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+Project Gutenberg's A Young Girl's Diary, by An Anonymous Young Girl
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: A Young Girl's Diary
+
+Author: An Anonymous Young Girl
+
+Commentator: Prefaced by a letter by Sigmund Freud
+
+Translator: Eden and Cedar Paul
+
+Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #752]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A YOUNG GIRL'S DIARY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A YOUNG GIRL'S DIARY
+
+Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud
+
+Translated by Eden and Cedar Paul
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+     FIRST YEAR     Age 11 to 12
+     SECOND YEAR    Age 12 to 13
+     THIRD YEAR     Age 13 to 14
+     LAST HALF-YEAR Age 14 to 14 1/2
+     CONCLUSION
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+THE best preface to this journal written by a young girl belonging to
+the upper middle class is a letter by Sigmund Freud dated April 27,
+1915, a letter wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist testifies
+to the permanent value of the document:
+
+
+"This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has anything been written
+enabling us to see so clearly into the soul of a young girl, belonging
+to our social and cultural stratum, during the years of puberal
+development. We are shown how the sentiments pass from the simple egoism
+of childhood to attain maturity; how the relationships to parents
+and other members of the family first shape themselves, and how they
+gradually become more serious and more intimate; how friendships are
+formed and broken. We are shown the dawn of love, feeling out towards
+its first objects. Above all, we are shown how the mystery of the sexual
+life first presses itself vaguely on the attention, and then takes
+entire possession of the growing intelligence, so that the child suffers
+under the load of secret knowledge but gradually becomes enabled to
+shoulder the burden. Of all these things we have a description at once
+so charming, so serious, and so artless, that it cannot fail to be of
+supreme interest to educationists and psychologists.
+
+"It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the diary. All students of
+my own writings will be grateful to you."
+
+In preparing these pages for the press, the editor has toned down
+nothing, has added nothing, and has suppressed nothing. The only
+alterations she has made have been such as were essential to conceal the
+identity of the writer and of other persons mentioned in the document.
+Consequently, surnames, Christian names, and names of places, have been
+changed. These modifications have enabled the original author of the
+diary to allow me to place it at the free disposal of serious readers.
+
+No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults in grammar and other
+inelegancies of style. For the most part, these must not be regarded
+as the expression of a child's incapacity for the control of language.
+Rather must they be looked upon as manifestations of affective
+trends, as errors in functioning brought about by the influence of the
+Unconscious.
+
+THE EDITOR. VIENNA, _Autumn_, 1919.
+
+
+
+
+FIRST YEAR, AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE
+
+
+FIRST YEAR
+
+
+July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. We both agreed that
+when we went to the high school we would write a diary every day. Dora
+keeps a diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call Helene
+"Hella," and she calls me "Rita;" Helene and Grete are so vulgar. Dora
+has taken to calling herself "Thea," but I go on calling her "Dora." She
+says that little children (she means me and Hella) ought not to keep a
+diary. She says they will write such a lot of nonsense. No more than in
+hers and Lizzi's.
+
+July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing until after the holidays,
+but since we are both going away, we are beginning now. Then we shall
+know what we have been doing in the holidays.
+
+The day before yesterday we had an entrance examination, it was very
+easy, in dictation I made only 1 mistake--writing _ihn_ without _h_. The
+mistress said that didn't matter, I had only made a slip. That is quite
+true, for I know well enough that _ihn_ has an _h_ in it. We were both
+dressed in white with rose-coloured ribbons, and everyone believed
+we were sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to have
+a cousin. But it's still nicer to have a friend, for we can tell one
+another everything.
+
+July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because of her Hella and I are
+really sorry that we are not going to a middle school. Then every
+day before lessons began we could have had a talk with her in the
+class-room. But we're awfully pleased because of the other girls. One is
+more important when one goes to the high school instead of only to
+the middle school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. "They are
+bursting with pride" (that's what my sister says of me and Hella, but
+it is not true). "Our two students" said the mistress when we came away.
+She told us to write to her from the country. I shall.
+
+July 15th. Lizzi, Hella's sister, is not so horrid as Dora, she
+is always so nice! To-day she gave each of us at least ten
+chocolate-creams. It's true Hella often says to me: "You don't know her,
+what a beast she can be. _Your_ sister is generally very nice to me."
+Certainly it is very funny the way in which she always speaks of us as
+"the little ones" or "the children," as if she had never been a child
+herself, and indeed a much littler one than we are. Besides we're just
+the same as she is now. She is in the fourth class and we are in the
+first.
+
+To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. I'm frightfully excited.
+Hella went away to-day to Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her mother
+and Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres.
+
+July 19th. It's awfully hard to write every day in the holidays.
+Everything is so new and one has no time to write. We are living in a
+big house in the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight off
+for her own writing. At the back of the house there are such swarms of
+horrid little flies; everything is black with flies. I do hate flies and
+such things. I'm not going to put up with being driven out of the
+front veranda. I won't have it. Besides, Father said: "Don't quarrel,
+children!" (_Children_ to _her_ too!!) He's quite right. She puts
+on such airs because she'll be fourteen in October. "The verandas are
+common property," said Father. Father's always so just. He never lets
+Dora lord it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of Dora. I'm
+writing to Hella to-day. She's not written to me yet.
+
+July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and such a jolly letter. I
+don't know what I should do without her! Perhaps she will come here in
+August or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I would rather go
+to stay with her. I like paying long visits. Father said: "We'll see,"
+and that means he'll let me go. When Father and Mother say We'll see it
+really means Yes; but they won't say "yes" so that if it does not come
+off one can't say that they haven't kept their word. Father really lets
+me do anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice my piano
+regularly perhaps she'll let me go. I must go for a walk.
+
+July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must write every day, for one
+must keep a promise and we swore to write every day. I. . . .
+
+July 23rd. It's awful. One has no time. Yesterday when I wanted to write
+the room had to be cleaned and D. was in the arbour. Before that I had
+not written a _single_ word and in the front veranda all my pages blew
+away. We write on loose pages. Hella thinks it's better because then one
+does not have to tear anything out. But we have promised one another to
+throw nothing away and not to tear anything up. Why should we? One can
+tell a friend everything. A pretty friend if one couldn't. Yesterday
+when I wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me savagely, saying
+What do you want? As if the arbour belonged to her, just as she wanted
+to bag the front veranda all for herself. She's too sickening.
+
+Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. It was lovely. Father
+was awfully jolly and we pelted one another with pine-cones. It was
+jolly. I threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. She let
+out such a yell and I said out loud You couldn't feel it _there_. As she
+went by she said Pig! It doesn't matter, for I know she understood me
+and that what I said was true. I should like to know what _she_ writes
+about every day to Erika and what she writes in her diary. Mother was
+out of sorts and stayed at home.
+
+July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. Father says: You
+children have Sundays every day. That's quite true in the holidays, but
+not at other times. The peasants and their wives and children are all
+very gay, wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like those I have seen in the
+theatre. We are wearing our white dresses to-day, and I have made a
+great cherrystain upon mine, not on purpose, but because I sat down upon
+some fallen cherries. So this afternoon when we go out walking I must
+wear my pink dress. All the better, for I don't care to be dressed
+exactly the same as Dora. I don't see why everyone should know that
+we are sisters. Let people think we are cousins. She does not like it
+either; I wish I knew why.
+
+Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully pleased. He is older than
+Dora, but I can always get on with him. Hella writes that she finds it
+dull without me; so do I.
+
+July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. She is staying at
+Achensee. I should like to see her. Every afternoon we bathe and then
+go for a walk. But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. I
+forgot to bring my paint-box and I'm not allowed to read all day. Mother
+says, if you gobble all your books up now you'll have nothing left to
+read. That's quite true, but I can't even go and swing.
+
+Afternoon. I must write some more. I've had a frightful row with Dora.
+She says I've been fiddling with her things. It's all because she's so
+untidy. As if _her_ things could interest me. Yesterday she left her
+letter to Erika lying about on the table, and all I read was: He's as
+handsome as a Greek god. I don't know who "he" was for she came in at
+that moment. It's probably Krail Rudi, with whom she is everlastingly
+playing tennis and carries on like anything. As for handsome--well,
+there's no accounting for tastes.
+
+July 26th. It's a good thing I brought my dolls' portmanteau. Mother
+said: You'll be glad to have it on rainy days. Of course I'm much too
+old to play with dolls, but even though I'm 11 I can make dolls'
+clothes still. One learns something while one is doing it, and when I've
+finished something I do enjoy it so. Mother cut me out some things and I
+was tacking them together. Then Dora came into the room and said Hullo,
+the child is sewing things for her dolls. What cheek, as if she had
+never played with dolls. Besides, I don't really play with dolls any
+longer. When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously that I made a
+great scratch on her hand, and said: Oh, I'm so sorry, but you came too
+close. I hope she'll know why I really did it. Of course she'll go and
+sneak to Mother. Let her. What right has she to call me child. She's got
+a fine red scratch anyhow, and on her right hand where everyone can see.
+
+July 27th. There's such a lot of fruit here. I eat raspberries and
+gooseberries all day and Mother says that is why I have no appetite for
+dinner. But Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But why should
+it be unwholesome all at once? Hella always says that when one likes
+anything awfully much one is always scolded about it until one gets
+perfectly sick of it. Hella often gets in such a temper with her mother,
+and then her mother says: We make such sacrifices for our children and
+they reward us with ingratitude. I should like to know what sacrifices
+they make. I think it's the children who make the sacrifices. When I
+want to eat gooseberries and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is _mine_
+not _Mother's_. I've written all this to Hella. Fraulein Pruckl has
+written to me. The address on her letter to me was splendid, "Fraulein
+Grete Lainer, Lyzealschulerin." Of course Dora had to know better than
+anyone else, and said that in the higher classes from the fourth
+upwards (because she is in the fourth) they write "Lyzeistin." She said:
+"Anyhow, in the holidays, before a girl has attended the first class
+she's not a Lyzealschulerin at all." Then Father chipped in, saying that
+_we_ (_I_ didn't begin it) really must stop this eternal wrangling; he
+really could not stand it. He's quite right, but what he said won't do
+any good, for Dora will go on just the same. Fraulein Pruckl wrote that
+she was _delighted_ that I had written. As soon as I have time she wants
+me to write to her again. Great Scott, I've always time for _her_. I
+shall write to her again this evening after supper, so as not to keep
+her waiting.
+
+July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. The Warths have arrived,
+and I had to spend the whole day with Erna and Liesel, although it
+rained all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot of round games
+and we played for sweets. I won 47, and I gave five of them to Dora.
+Robert is already more than a head taller than we are, I mean than
+Liesel and me; I think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein Grete and carried
+my cloak which Mother sent me because of the rain and he saw me home
+after supper.
+
+To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been invited and Mother has
+made strawberry cream and waffles. How spiffing.
+
+July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave me a splendid parasol
+with a flowered border and painting materials and Mother gave me a huge
+postcard album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, and Dora gave
+me a beautiful box of notepaper and Mother had made a chocolate-cream
+cake for dinner to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first thing
+in the morning the Warths sent me three birthday cards. And Robert had
+written on his: With deepest _respect your faithful R_. It is glorious
+to have a birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald sent me a
+wooden paper-knife, the handle is a dragon and the blade shoots out
+of its mouth instead of flame; or perhaps the blade is its tongue, one
+can't be quite sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father says I
+was born under a lucky star. That suits me all right, tip top.
+
+July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed till our sides ached over
+Consequences. I was always being coupled with Robert and oh the things
+we did together, not really of course but only in writing: kissed,
+hugged, lost in the forest, bathed together; but I say, I wouldn't do
+_that!_ quarrelled. That won't happen, it's quite impossible! Then we
+drank my health clinking glasses five times and Robert wanted to drink
+it in wine but Dora said that would never do! The real trouble was
+this. She always gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me and
+yesterday I was certainly first fiddle.
+
+Now I must write a word about to-day. We've had a splendid time. We
+were in Tiefengraben with the Warths where there are such a lot of wild
+strawberries. Robert picked all the best of them for me, to the great
+annoyance of Dora who had to pick them for herself. Really I would
+rather pick them for myself, but when some one else picks them for one
+for _love_ (that's what Robert said) then one is quite glad to have them
+picked for one. Besides, I did pick some myself and gave most of them to
+Father and some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we had in Flischberg
+I had to sit beside Erna instead of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mother
+says she is _anemic_; that sounds frightfully interesting, but I don't
+quite know what it means. Dora is always saying that she is anemic,
+but of course that is not true. And Father always says "Don't talk such
+stuff, you're as fit as a fiddle." That puts her in such a wax. Last
+year Lizzi was really anemic, so the doctor said, she was always having
+palpitation and had to take iron and drink Burgundy. I think that's
+where Dora got the idea.
+
+August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because I wrote and told her
+that I had spent the whole day with the W's. Still, she is really my
+only friend or I should not have written and told her. Every year in the
+country she has another friend too, but that doesn't put me out. I can't
+understand why she doesn't like Robert; she doesn't know anything about
+him except what I have written and certainly that was nothing but good.
+Of course she does know him for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and she
+met him once there. But one does not get to know a person from seeing
+them once. Anyhow she does not know him the way I do. Yesterday I was
+with the Warths all day. We played Place for the King and Robert caught
+me and I had to give him a kiss. And Erna said, that doesn't count, for
+I had let myself be caught. But Robert got savage and said: Erna is a
+perfect nuisance, she spoils everyone's pleasure. He's quite right, but
+there's some one else just as bad. But I do hope Erna has not told Dora
+about the kiss. If she has everyone will know and I shouldn't like that.
+I lay in wait for Erna with the sweets which Aunt Dora sent us. Robert
+and Liesel and I ate the rest. They were so good and nearly all large
+ones. At first Robert wanted to take quite a little one, but I said he
+must only have a big one. After that he always picked out the big ones.
+When I came home in the evening with the empty box Father laughed and
+said: There's nothing mean about our Gretel. Besides, Mother still has
+a great box full; I have no idea whether Dora still has a lot, but I
+expect so.
+
+August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at 5. He's a great swell now;
+he's begun to grow a moustache. In the evening Father took him to the
+hotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it would be an awful
+bore, but he will certainly make a good impression especially in his new
+tourist getup and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa sent love to
+all. I've never seen them. They have sent a lot of cakes and sweets and
+Oswald grumbled no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is always
+smoking cigarettes and Father said to him: Come along old chap, we'll
+go to the inn and have a drink on the strength of your good report. It
+seems to me rather funny; no one wants to drink anything when Dora and I
+have a good report, at most they give us a present. Oswald has only Twos
+and Threes and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satisfactory, but
+I have nothing but Ones. He said something to Father in Latin and Father
+laughed heartily and said something I could not understand. I don't
+think it was Latin, but it may have been Magyar or English. Father knows
+nearly all languages, even Czech, but thank goodness he doesn't talk
+them unless he wants to tease us. Like that time at the station when
+Dora and I were so ashamed. Czech is horrid, Mother says so too. When
+Robert pretends to speak Czech it's screamingly funny.
+
+August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day so now I am not allowed
+to bathe for a few days. Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone and
+he tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high that I positively
+yell. To-day he made me really angry, for he said: Oswald is a regular
+noodle. I said, that's not true, boys can never stand one another.
+Besides, it is not true that he lisps. Anyhow I like Oswald much better
+than Dora who always says "the children" when she is talking of me and
+of Hella and even of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as big a goose
+as Erna. He's quite right there. Robert says he is never going to smoke,
+that it is so vulgar, that real gentlemen never smoke. But what about
+Father, I should like to know? He says, too, that he will never grow a
+beard but will shave every day and his wife will have to put everything
+straight to him. But a beard suits Father and I can't imagine him
+without a beard. I know I won't marry a man without a beard.
+
+August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every day. When we set off
+yesterday, Robert and I and Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called after
+us: The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the phrase from Oswald. I
+think it means in a hundred years. _She_ can wait a hundred years if she
+likes, we shan't. Mother scolded her like anything and said she mustn't
+say such stupid things. A good job too; in spee, in spee. Now we always
+talk of her as Inspee, but no one knows who we mean.
+
+August 6th. Hella can't come here, for she is going to Klausenburg with
+her mother to stay with her other uncle who is district judge there or
+whatever they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I think of a
+district judge I think of District Judge T., such a hideous man. What
+a nose and his wife is so lovely; but her parents forced her into the
+marriage. I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, I would
+much sooner not marry at all, besides she's awfully unhappy.
+
+August 7th. There has been such a fearful row about Dora. Oswald told
+Father that she flirted so at the tennis court and he could not stand
+it. Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn't play tennis any
+more. What upset her more than anything was that Father said in front of
+me: This little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make love to
+her. Her eyes were quite red and swollen and she couldn't eat anything
+at supper because she had such a _headache!!_ We know all about her
+headaches. But I really can't see why I shouldn't go and play tennis.
+
+August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn't the student's fault at all but
+only Dora's. I can quite believe that when I think of that time on the
+Southern Railway. Still, they won't let me play tennis any more, though
+I begged and begged Mother to ask Father to let me. She said it would
+do no good for Father was very angry and I mustn't spend whole days
+with the Warths any more. Whole days! I should like to know when I was a
+whole day there. When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner at
+least. What have I got to do with Dora's love affairs? It's really too
+absurd. But grown-ups are always like that. When one person has done
+anything the others have to pay for it too.
+
+August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis once more; I begged and
+begged until Father let me go. Dora declares that nothing will induce
+her to ask! That's the old story of the fox and the grapes. She has been
+playing the invalid lately, won't bathe, and stays at home when she can
+instead of going for walks. I should like to know what's the matter with
+her. What I can't make out is why Father lets her do it. As for Mother,
+she always spoils Dora; Dora is Mother's favourite, especially when
+Oswald is not on hand. I can understand her making a favourite of
+Oswald, but not of Dora. Father always says that parents have no
+favourites, but treat all their children alike. That's true enough as
+far as Father is concerned, although Dora declares that Father makes a
+favourite of me; but that's only her fancy. At Christmas and other times
+we always get the same sort of presents, and that's the real test.
+Rosa Plank always gets at least three times as much as the rest of the
+family, that's what it is to be a favourite.
+
+August 12th. I can't write every day for I spend most of my time
+with the Warths. Oswald can't stand Robert, he says he is a cad and
+a greenhorn. What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven't spoken to
+Oswald except when I really had to. When I told Erna and Liesel about
+it, they said that brothers were always rude to their sisters. I said,
+I should like to know why. Besides, Robert is generally very nice to his
+sisters. They said, Yes before you, because he's on his best behaviour
+with you. Yesterday we laughed like anything when he told us what fun
+the boys make of their masters. That story about the cigarette ends
+was screamingly funny. They have a society called T. Au. M., that is
+in Latin Be Silent or Die in initial letters. No one may betray the
+society's secrets, and when they make a new member he has to strip off
+all his clothes and lie down naked and every one spits on his chest and
+rubs it and says: Be One of Us, but all in Latin. Then he has to go to
+the eldest and biggest who gives him two or three cuts with a cane and
+he has to swear that he will never betray anyone. Then everyone smokes
+a cigar and touches him with the lighted end on the arm or somewhere
+and says: Every act of treachery will burn you like that. And then the
+eldest, who has a special name which I can't remember, tattoos on him
+the word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, and a heart with the name of
+a girl. Robert says that if he had known me sooner he would have chosen
+"Gretchen." I asked him what name he had tattooed on him, but he said
+he was not allowed to tell. I shall tell Oswald to look when they
+are bathing and to tell me. In this society they abuse the masters
+frightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks to play on them
+is elected to the Rohon; to be a Rohon is a great distinction and the
+others must always carry out his orders. He said there was a lot more
+which he couldn't tell me because it's too tremendous. Then I had to
+swear that I would never tell anyone about the society and he wanted
+me to take the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn't do that and he nearly
+forced me to my knees. In the end I had to give him my hand on it and a
+kiss. I didn't mind giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothing
+would induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an awful fright, for we
+were quite alone in the garden and he took me by the throat and tried
+to force me to my knees. All that about the _society_ he told me when
+we were quite alone for he said: I can't have your name tattooed on me
+because it's against our laws to have two names but now that you have
+sworn I can let you know what I really am and think in secret.
+
+I couldn't sleep all night for I kept on dreaming of the society,
+wondering whether there are such societies in the high school and
+whether Dora is in a society and has a name tattooed on her. But it
+would be horrible to have to strip naked before all one's schoolfellows.
+Perhaps in the societies of the high-school girls that part is left
+out. But I shouldn't like to say for sure whether I'd have Robert's name
+tattooed on me.
+
+August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there are some schoolboy
+societies where they do very improper things, but that never happened in
+their society. But he didn't say what. I said, the stripping naked seems
+to me awful; but he said, Oh, that's nothing, that must happen if
+we're to trust one another, it's all right as long as there's nothing
+improper. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows about
+it, and whether he is in such a society or in a proper one and whether
+Father was in one. If I could only find out. But I can't ask, for if I
+did I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always presses my left
+wrist without letting anyone see. He said that is the warning to me to
+be silent. But he needn't do that really, for I never would betray him
+whatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind you to me. When he says
+that his eyes grow dark, quite black, although his eyes are really grey
+and they get very large. Especially in the evening when we say goodbye,
+it frightens me. I'm always dreaming of him.
+
+August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations in honour of the
+emperor's birthday. We didn't get home until half past twelve. At first
+we went to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. They fired
+salutes from the hills and there were beacons flaring on the hill-tops;
+it was rather creepy although it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once
+or twice, I don't know whether I was afraid something would happen or
+why it was. Then R. came and talked such a lot. He is set on going into
+the army. For that he needn't learn so much, and what he's learning now
+is of no use to him. He says that doesn't matter, that knowledge will
+give him a great pull. I don't think he looks stupid, though Oswald says
+so to make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite away from the
+others and so we sat on a bench to wait for them. Then I asked R. once
+more about the other societies, the ones in which they do such improper
+things. But he wouldn't tell me for he said he would not rob me of my
+innocence. I thought that very stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn't
+know himself and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, was that
+anyone who joined the society was tickled until he couldn't stand it any
+longer. And once one of them got St. Vitus's dance, that is frightful
+convulsions and they were afraid that everything would come out. And
+since then in their society no more tickling had been allowed. Shall
+I tickle you a little? I don't understand you, I said, and anyhow you
+daren't.
+
+He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me and tickled me under the
+arm. It made me want to laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for there
+were still lots of people going by. So he gave that up and tickled my
+hand. I liked it at first, but then I got angry and dragged my hand
+away. Just then Inspee went by with two other girls and directly they
+had passed us we followed close behind as if we had been walking like
+that all the time. It saved me a wigging from Mother, for she always
+wants us all to keep together. As we went along R. said: Look out,
+Gretel, I'm going to tickle you some day until you scream.--How absurd,
+I won't have it, it takes two to do that.
+
+By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 turtledoves and a bag of
+sweets and R. won a knife, fork and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully.
+Inspee won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror which makes
+one look a perfect fright. A good job too, for she fancies herself such
+a lot.
+
+August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has happened. I have lost pages
+30 to 34 from my diary. I must have left them in the garden, or else on
+the Louisenhohe. It's positively fiendish. If anyone was to find them.
+And I don't know exactly what there was on those pages. I was born
+to ill luck. If I hadn't promised Hella to write my diary every day I
+should like to give up the whole thing. Fancy if Mother were to get hold
+of it, or even Father. And it's raining so fearfully to-day that I can't
+even go into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above all not
+alone. I must have lost it the day before yesterday, for I didn't write
+anything yesterday or the day before. It would be dreadful if anyone
+were to find it. I am so much upset that I couldn't eat anything at
+dinner, although we had my favourite chocolate cream cake. And I'm so
+unhappy for Father was quite anxious and Mother too and they both
+asked what was the matter with me and I nearly burst out crying before
+everyone. We had dinner in the hotel to-day because Resi had gone away
+for 2 days. But I couldn't cry in the room before Father and Mother for
+that would have given the show away. My only hope is that no one will
+recognise my writing, for Hella and I use upright writing for our diary,
+first of all so that no one may recognise our writing and secondly
+because upright writing doesn't use up so much paper as ordinary
+writing. I do hope it will be fine to-morrow so that I can hunt in the
+garden very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all day so that I
+didn't even get cross when Inspee said: "Have you been quarrelling with
+your future husband?"
+
+August 30th. It's not in the garden. I begged Mother to let us go to
+Louisenhutte this afternoon. Mother was awfully nice and asked what I
+was so worried about, and whether anything had happened. Then I couldn't
+keep it in any longer and burst out crying. Mother said I must have
+lost something, and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought it was
+Hella's letter, the one which came on Tuesday, so I said: No, much worse
+than that, my diary. Mother said: Oh well, that's not such a terrible
+loss, and will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, for there
+are all sorts of things written in it about R. and his society. Look
+here, Gretel, said Mother, I don't like this way you talk about R.; I
+really don't like you to spend all your time with the Warths; they're
+really not our sort and R. is not a fit companion for you; now that
+you are going to the high school you are not a little girl any longer.
+Promise me that you'll not be eternally with the Warths.--All right,
+Mother, I will break it off gradually so that nobody will notice. She
+burst out laughing and kissed me on both cheeks and promised me to
+say nothing to Inspee about the diary for she needn't know everything.
+Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and perhaps the pages are still
+there.
+
+Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter I found 2 pages all
+pulped by the rain and the writing all run and one page was in the
+footpath quite torn. Someone must have trodden on it with the heel of
+his boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and partly burned. So
+no one had read anything. I am so happy. And at supper Father said: I
+say, why are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won the big prize
+in the lottery? and I pressed Mother's foot with mine to remind her not
+to give me away and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems to me
+there's a conspiracy against me in my own house. And I said in a great
+hurry: Luckily we're not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyone
+laughed and now thank goodness it's all over. Live and learn. I won't
+let that happen again.
+
+August 31st. Really I'm not so much with the W's and with R. I think
+he's offended. This afternoon, when I went there to tea, he seized me
+by the wrist and said: Your father is right, you're a witch. "You need
+a castigation." How rude of him. Besides, I didn't know what castigation
+meant. I asked Father and he told me and asked where I had picked up the
+word. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard one of them use it.
+What I really thought was that castigation meant tickling. But it is
+really horrid to have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gone
+already and we have only a week longer. About that castigation business.
+I don't like fibbing to Father, but I really had to. I couldn't say that
+R. wanted to give me a castigation when I didn't know what it meant.
+Dora tells a lot more lies than I do and I always love catching her in a
+lie for her lies are so obvious. I'm never caught. It only happened once
+when Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father noticed that time, for he
+said: You little rogue, you tarradiddler!
+
+September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. I shall never speak to
+R. again. Oswald is quite right in calling him a cad. If I had really
+fallen out of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before we
+have to start from home. I can't make out how it all happened. It was
+frightful cheek of him to tickle me as he did, and I gave him such a
+kick. I think it was on his nose or his mouth. Then he actually dared to
+say: After all I'm well paid out, for what can one expect when one keeps
+company with such young monkeys, with such babies. Fine talk from him
+when he's not 14 himself yet. It was all humbug about his being 15 and
+he seems to be one of the idlest boys in the school, never anything but
+Satisfactory in his reports, and he's not in the fifth yet, but only in
+the fourth. Anyhow, we've settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shall
+never tell anyone about it, it will be my first and I hope my last
+secret from Hella.
+
+September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. The last few days have been
+awfully dull. I saw R. once or twice but I always looked the other way.
+Father asked what was wrong between me and the Warths and R., so that
+our great friendship had been broken off. Of course I had to fib, for
+it was absolutely _impossible_ to tell the truth. I said that R. found
+fault with everything I did, my writing, my reading aloud. (That's quite
+true, he did that once) and Father said: Well, well, you'll make it up
+when you say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. I'll never
+speak a word to him again.
+
+For her birthday, although it's not come yet, Dora is to have a navy
+blue silk dustcloak. I don't think the colour suits her, and anyhow
+she's much too thin to wear a dustcloak.
+
+September 14th. Hella came back the day before yesterday. She looks
+splendid and she says I do too. I'm so glad that she's back. After all I
+told her about R. She was very angry and said I ought to have given
+him 2 more; one for the tickling and one for the "baby" and one for the
+"young monkey." If we should happen to meet him, shan't we just glare at
+him.
+
+September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk dustcloak but I think the
+tartan hood looks rather silly. Still, I didn't say so, but only that
+the cloak fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five times
+already. I don't know whether Father really wants to treat her as a
+grown-up lady or whether he is making fun of her. I believe he's only
+making fun. She doesn't really look like a grown-up lady. How could
+she when she's not 14 yet? Yesterday afternoon such a lot of girls were
+invited, and of course Hella was invited on my account and we had a
+grand talk. But most of them bragged frightfully about the country where
+they _said_ they had been. We were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one I
+care about.
+
+September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the way, we have agreed
+to call it Liz [Lyzeum = High School] and not School. I'm frightfully
+curious.
+
+September 22nd, 19--. School began to-day. Hella came to fetch me and we
+went along together. Inspee peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on in
+front of her. We don't want her as governess. There are 34 of us in the
+class. Our teachers are a Frau Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, and
+I think a drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches German and
+writing. She put us together on the 3rd bench. Then she made a speech,
+then she told us what books to get, but we are not to buy them till
+Monday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 short. The long one is for
+games, the short ones to go out. I usen't to go out at the elementary
+school and now I don't need to. Mother always says that it's only a
+bad habit. Most of the girls went out, and even asked to leave the room
+during lesson time. To-day we hadn't any proper lessons. They are to
+begin to-morrow, but we don't know what. Then we came home.
+
+September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who teaches geography and
+history, she has no degree. Inspee says that she had her last year, but
+she could not stand her, she's so ugly. Father was angry and said to
+Inspee: You silly goose, don't fill her head with such stuff. Show
+what you are worth as elder sister. One can learn something from every
+mistress and every master if one likes. But I can't say, we're really
+fond of Fraulein Vischer and I don't much care for geography and
+history. Besides I'm not learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr.
+Mallburg is awfully nice and pretty. We shall always write Frau Dr. M.
+for short. When she laughs she has two dimples and a gold stopping. She
+is new at the school. I don't know if we are to have singing too. In
+French we have Madame Arnau, she is beautifully dressed, black lace.
+Hella has a lovely pen and pencil case; it's quite soft, we must have it
+soft so that it shan't make a row when it falls down during lesson time.
+I think it cost 7 crowns or 1.70 crowns, I don't know exactly. To-day
+lessons went on until 12, first German, then arithmetic, then religion
+for Catholics, and then we came away. Hella waited for me, for the Herr
+Pastor did not come.
+
+September 24th. We thought the book shops would be open to-day but we
+were wrong. Hella's mother said, that's what happens when the chicks
+think themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon Hella came to our
+house and Inspee had been invited by the Fs. I don't go there, for it's
+so dull, they play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my lessons.
+My music lessons will begin when the school time-table has been fixed
+up. Perhaps on October 1st, then I must write to Frau B., she told me to
+write myself. She tells all her pupils to do that. I would rather have
+had Hella's music mistress. But she has no time to spare and I think she
+charges more. At least she wouldn't always be holding me up "Fraulein
+Dora" as a model. We are not all so musical as Fraulein Dora. In the
+evening Inspee was reading a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock and
+she simply howled over it. She said she had not, but I heard her and she
+could hardly speak. She says she had a cold, liar.
+
+September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors' time-table, but it
+won't work until the professors from the Gymnasium know exactly when
+they can come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a Gymnasium, but
+since there is only one here she teaches in our school. To-morrow we are
+going to have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We may write 8 or
+10 sentences at home before we come, but we must not look at what we
+have written in class. I've written mine already. But I've not said
+anything about Robert. He's not worth thinking about anyhow. I did not
+even tell Hella everything.
+
+September 25th. We had the viva voce composition and Frau Doktor said,
+very good, what is your name? Grete Lainer I said and she said: And
+is that your chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent her
+holidays. Hella did hers very well too and Frau Doktor said again, very
+good. Then the bell rang. In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodge
+with us. It was great fun. I was it six times. In the little intervals
+we were quite alone for the staff has such a lot to do drawing up the
+time-table. A pupil-teacher from the F. high school is in our class. She
+sits on the last bench for she is very tall. As tall as Frau Doktor.
+
+September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel for the first time in
+natural history. He wears eye-glasses and never looks any of us in the
+face. And in French Madame A. said that my accent was the best. We've
+got an awful lot on and I don't know whether I shall be able to write
+every day. The younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel and
+the Weinmann girl said Nikel.
+
+September 30th. I've had simply no time to write. Hella hasn't written
+anything since the 24th. But I must write to-day for I met Robert in
+Schottengasse. Good morning, Miss, you needn't be so stuck up, he said
+as he went by. And when I turned round he had already passed, or I would
+have given him a piece of my mind. I must go to supper.
+
+October 1st. I can't write, Oswald has come from S., he has sprained his
+ankle, but I'm not so sure because he can get about. He is awfully pale
+and doesn't say a word about the pain.
+
+October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor's birthday. Yesterday Resi
+told me something horrid. Oswald can't go back to S. He has been up
+to something, I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the closet. He
+always stays there such a long time, I noticed that when I was in the
+country. Or perhaps it may have been something in his society. Inspee
+pretends she knows what it is but of course it isn't true, for she
+doesn't know any more than I do. Father is furious and Mother's eyes are
+all red with crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could only find
+out what he's done. Father was shouting at him yesterday and both Dora
+and I heard what he said: You young scamp (then there was something we
+couldn't understand) and then he said, you attend to your school books
+and leave the girls and the married women alone you pitiful scoundrel.
+And Dora said. Ah, now I understand and I said: Please tell me, he is my
+brother as well as yours. But she said: "You wouldn't understand. It's
+not suitable for such young ears." Fancy that, it's suitable for her
+ears, but not mine though she's not quite three years older than I am,
+but because she no longer wears a short skirt she gives herself the airs
+of a grown-up _lady_. Such airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful of
+jam so that her mouth is stuffed with it and she can't speak. Whenever
+I see her do this, I make a point of speaking to her so that she has to
+answer. She does get in such a wax.
+
+October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That's how babies come. And
+_that_ is what Robert really meant. Not for me, thank you, I simply
+won't marry. For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfully
+and yet one has to. What a good thing that I know it in time. But I wish
+I knew exactly how, Hella says she doesn't know exactly herself. But
+perhaps her cousin who knows everything about it will tell her. It
+lasts nine months till the baby comes and then a lot of women die. It's
+horrible. Hella has known it for a long time but she didn't like to tell
+me. A girl told her last summer in the country. She wanted to talk about
+it to Lizzi her sister, really she only wanted to ask if it was all true
+and Lizzi ran off to her mother to tell her what Hella had said And her
+mother said; "These children are awful, a corrupt generation, don't you
+dare to repeat it to any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance," and
+she gave her a box on the ear. As if she could help it! That is why she
+didn't write to me for such a long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but now
+she can tell me all about it and we won't betray one another. And that
+deceitful cat Inspee has known all about it for ages and has never told
+me. But I don't understand why that time at the swing Robert said: You
+little fool, you wont get a baby simply from that. Perhaps Hella knows.
+When I go to the gymnastic lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her first
+and ask her about it. My goodness how curious I am to know.
+
+October 10th. I'm in a great funk, I missed my gymnastic lesson
+yesterday. I was upstairs at Hella's and without meaning it I was so
+late I did not dare to go. And Hella said I had better stay with her
+that we would say that our sum was so difficult that we had not got it
+finished in time. Luckily we really had a sum to do. But I said nothing
+about it at home, for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. to Herr S's. I
+thought that I knew all about it but only now has Hella really told me
+everything. It's a horrible business this . . . I really can't write it.
+She says that of course Inspee has it already, had it when I wrote
+that Inspee wouldn't bathe, did not want to bathe; really she had it.
+Whatever happens one must always be anxious about it. _Streams of blood_
+says Hella. But then everything gets all bl . . . That's why in the
+country Inspee always switched off the light before she was quite
+undressed, so that I couldn't see. Ugh! Catch me looking! It begins at
+14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says that Berta Franke in our
+class knows all about it. In the arithmetic lesson she wrote a note: Do
+you know what being un . . . is? Hella wrote back, of course I've known
+it for a long time. Berta waited for her after class when the Catholics
+were having their religion lesson and they went home together. I
+remember quite well that I was very angry, for they're not chums. On
+Tuesday Berta came with us, for Hella had sent her a note in class
+saying that I knew _everything_ and she needn't bother about me. Inspee
+suspects something, she's always spying about and sneering, perhaps she
+thinks that she's the only person who ought to know anything.
+
+October 16th. To-morrow is Father's and Dora's birthday. Every year it
+annoys me that Dora should have her birthday on the same day as Father;
+What annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about it, for, as
+Father always says, it's a mere chance. Besides, I don't think he really
+likes it. Everyone wants to have their own birthday on their own day,
+not to share it with someone else. And it's always nasty to be stuck up
+about a thing like that. Besides, it's not going to be a real birthday
+because of the row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had to stay
+away from the office for 2 days because he had to go to G. to see about
+Oswald going there.
+
+October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I had expected. All the
+Bruckners came, so of course there was not much said about Oswald only
+that he has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that that's not
+true) and that he is probably going to G. Colonel B. said: The best
+thing for a boy is to send him to a military academy, that keeps him
+in order. In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot what Hella's
+father said, for you can be expelled from a military academy just as
+easily as from the Gymnasium. That's what happened to Edgar Groller.
+Oswald gave himself away and Dora promptly said: Ah, so you have been
+expelled, and we believed you had sprained your ankle. Then he got in
+an awful wax and said: O you wretched flappers, I've gone and blabbed it
+all now, and he went away slamming the door, for Mother wasn't there.
+
+October 19th. If we could only find out what Oswald really did. It must
+have been something with a girl. But we can't think what Father meant
+about a married woman. Perhaps a married woman complained of him to the
+head master or to the school committee and that's how it all came out. I
+feel awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have felt myself if
+everything had come out about Robert and me. Of course I don't care now.
+But in the summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly says a word,
+except that he has talks with Mother sometimes. He always pretends that
+he wants to read, but it's absurd, for with such a love trouble one
+can't really read. I have not told Berta Franke all about it, but only
+that my brother has had an unhappy love affair and that is why he is
+back in Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin of hers shot
+himself because of her. They said in the newspapers that it was because
+of an actress, but really it was because of her. She is 14 already.
+
+October 20th. We spend most of our time now with Berta Franke. She says
+she has had a tremendous lot of experience, but she can't tell us yet
+because we are not intimate enough. By and by she says. Perhaps she
+is afraid we shall give her away. She wants to marry when she is 16 at
+latest. That's in 2 years. Of course she won't have finished school by
+then, but she will have left the third class. She has three admirers,
+but she has not yet made up her mind which to choose. Hella says I
+mustn't believe all this, that the story about the three admirers at
+once is certainly a cram.
+
+October 21st. Berta Franke says that when one is dark under the eyes one
+has it and that when one gets a baby then one doesn't have it any more
+until one gets another. She told us too how one gets it, but I didn't
+really believe what she said, for I thought she did not know herself
+exactly. Then she got very cross and said: "All right, I won't tell you
+any more. If I don't know myself." But I can't believe what she said
+about husband and wife. She said it must happen every night, for if not
+they don't have a baby; if they miss a single night they don't have a
+baby. That's why they have their beds so close together. People call
+them _marriage beds!!!_ And it hurts so frightfully that one can hardly
+bear it. But one has to for a husband can make his wife do it. I should
+like to know how he can make her. But I didn't dare to ask for I was
+afraid she would think I was making fun of her. Men have it too, but
+very seldom. We see a lot of Berta Franke now, she is an awfully nice
+girl, perhaps Mother will let me invite her here next Sunday.
+
+October 23rd. Father took Oswald away to-day. Mother cried such a lot.
+When Oswald was leaving I whispered to him: I know what's the matter
+with you. But he did not understand me for he said: Silly duffer.
+Perhaps he only said that because of Father who was looking on with a
+fearful scowl.
+
+October 27th. Everything seems to have gone wrong. Yesterday I got
+unsatisfactory in history, and in arithmetic to-day I couldn't get a
+single sum right. I'm frightfully worried about missing that gymnastic
+lesson. It will be all right if Mother gives me the money to-morrow, for
+if she goes herself she will certainly find out about it.
+
+October 28th. To-day the head mistress was present at our French lesson
+and said awfully nice things about me. She said I was good enough in
+French to be in the Third and then she asked me whether I was as good in
+the other subjects. I didn't want to say either Yes or No, and all the
+other girls said Yes, she's good at everything. The head patted me on
+the shoulder and said: I'm glad to hear that. When she had gone I cried
+like anything and Madame Arnau asked: Why, what's the matter? and the
+other girls said: In arithmetic she had Unsatisfactory but she can
+really do her sums awfully well. Then Madame said: "You'll soon wipe off
+that Unsatisfactory."
+
+October 30th. To-day I had a frightful bother with Fraulein Vischer in
+the history lesson. Yesterday when I got into the tram with Mother there
+was Fraulein V. I looked the other way so that Mother shouldn't see her
+and so that she should not tell Mother about me. When she came in to-day
+she said: Lainer, do you know the rules? I knew directly what she meant
+and said "I did bow to you in the tram but you didn't see me." "That's a
+fine thing to do, first you do wrong and then try to excuse yourself by
+telling a lie. Sit down!" I felt awful for all the girls looked at me.
+In the 11 interval Berta Franke said to me: Don't worry, she's got her
+knife into you and will always find something to complain of. She must
+have spoken to Frau Doktor M., for in the German lesson the subject for
+viva voce composition was Good Manners. And all the girls looked at me
+again. She didn't say anything more. She's a perfect angel, my darling
+E. M., her name is Elisabeth; but she does not keep her name-day because
+she's a Protestant; that's an awful shame because November 19th is
+coming soon.
+
+October 31st. I've been so lucky. Nothing's come out about the gymnastic
+lesson though Mother was there herself. And in mental arithmetic to-day
+I got a One. Fraulein Steiner is awfully nice too and she said: Why, L.
+what was the matter with you in your sums the other day, for you're so
+good at arithmetic? I didn't know what to do so I said: Oh I had such a
+headache the other day. Then Berta Franke nearly burst out laughing,
+it was horrid of her; I don't think she's quite to be trusted; I think
+she's rather a sneak. When the lesson was over she said she had laughed
+because "headache" means something quite different.
+
+November 1st. To-day we began to work at the tablecloth for Father's
+Christmas present. Of course Inspee bagged the right side because that's
+easier to work at and I had to take the left side and then one has
+the whole caboodle on one's hand. For Mother I'm making an embroidered
+leather book cover, embroidered with silk and with a painted design;
+I can do the painting part at school in Fraulein H.'s lesson, she's
+awfully nice too. But I like Frau Doktor M. best of all. I'm _not_ going
+to invite Berta Franke because of the way she laughed yesterday, and
+besides Mother doesn't like having strange girls to the house. November
+2nd. I don't know all about things yet. Hella knows a lot more. We said
+we were going to go over our natural history lesson together and we went
+in to the drawing-room, and there she told me a lot more. Then Mali,
+our new servant, came in, and she told us something horrid. Resi is in a
+hospital because she's ill. Mali told us that all the Jews when they
+are quite little have to go through a very dangerous operation; it hurts
+frightfully and that's why they are so cruel. It's done so that they can
+have more children; but only little boys, not little girls. It's horrid,
+and I should not like to marry a Jew. Then we asked Mali whether it is
+true that it hurts so frightfully and she laughed and said: It can't be
+so bad as all that, for if it were you wouldn't find everyone doing it.
+Then Hella asked her: But have you done it already, you haven't got a
+husband? She said: Go on, Miss! One mustn't ask such questions it's not
+ladylike. We were in an awful funk, and begged her not to tell Mother.
+She promised not to.
+
+November 5th. Everything has come out through that stupid waist band.
+Yesterday when I was tidying my drawers Mali came in to make the beds
+and saw my fringed waistband. "I say, she said, that is pretty!" You
+can have it if you like, I said, for I've given up wearing it. At dinner
+yesterday I noticed that Mother was looking at Mali and I blushed
+all over. After dinner Mother said, Gretel, did you give Mali that
+waistband? Yes, I said, she asked me for it. She came in at that moment
+to clear away and said: "No, I never asked for it, Fraulein Grete gave
+it to me herself." I don't know what happened after that, I'd gone back
+to my room when Mother came in and said: A fine lot of satisfaction one
+gets out of one's children. Mali has told me the sort of things you and
+Hella talk about. I ran straight off to the kitchen and said to Mali:
+How could you tell such tales of us? It was you who chipped in when we
+were talking. It was frightfully mean of you. In the evening _she_ must
+needs go and complain of me to Father and he scolded me like anything
+and said: You're a fine lot, you children, I must say. You are not to
+see so much of Hella now, do you understand?
+
+November 6th. A fine thing this, that I'm a silly fool now. When I gave
+Hella a nudge so that she should not go on talking before Mali, she
+laughed and said: What does it matter, Mali knows all about it, probably
+a great deal more than we do. It was only after that that Mali told us
+about the Jews. Now, if you please, I am a silly fool. All right, now
+that I know what I am, a silly fool. And that's what one's best friend
+calls one!
+
+November 7th. Hella and I are very stand-offish. We walk together, but
+we only talk of everyday things, school and lessons, nothing else. We
+went skating to-day for the first time and we shall go whenever we have
+time, which is not very often. Mother is working at the table cloth.
+It's very hard work but she has not got as much to do as we have.
+
+November 8th. There was such a lovely young lady skating to-day, and
+she skates so beautifully, inside and outside edge and figures of 8. I
+skated along behind her. When she went to the cloak room there was such
+a lovely scent. I wonder if she is going to be married soon and whether
+_she_ knows all about everything. She is so lovely and she pushes back
+the hair from her forehead so prettily. I wish I were as pretty as she
+is. But I am dark and she is fair. I wish I could find out her name and
+where she lives. I must go skating again to-morrow; do my lessons in the
+evening.
+
+November 9th. I'm so upset; _she_ didn't come to skate. I'm afraid she
+may be ill.
+
+November 10th. She didn't come to-day either. I waited two hours, but it
+was no good.
+
+November 11th. She came to-day, at last! Oh how pretty she is.
+
+November 12th. She has spoken to me. I was standing near the entrance
+gate and suddenly I heard some one laughing behind me and I knew
+directly: That is _she!_ So it was. She came up and said: Shall we skate
+together? Please, if I may, said I, and we went off together crossing
+arms. My heart was beating furiously, and I wanted to say something,
+but couldn't think of anything sensible to say. When we came back to the
+entrance a gentleman stood there and took off his hat and she bowed, and
+she said to me: Till next time. I said quickly: When? Tomorrow?
+Perhaps, she called back. . . . Only perhaps, perhaps, oh I wish it were
+to-morrow already.
+
+November 13th. Inspee declares that her name is Anastasia Klastoschek.
+I'm sure it can't be true that she has such a name, she might be called
+Eugenie or Seraphine or Laura, but Anastasia, impossible. Why are there
+such horrid names? Fancy if she is really called that. Klastoschek,
+too, a Czech name, and she is supposed to come from Moravia and to be 26
+already; 26, absurd, she's 18 at most. I'm sure she's not so much as
+18. Dora says she lives in Phorusgasse, and that she doesn't think her
+particularly pretty. Of course that's rank jealousy; Dora thinks no one
+pretty except herself.
+
+November 14th. I asked the woman at the pay box, her name really is
+Anastasia Klastoschek and she lives in the Phorusgasse; but the woman
+didn't know how old she is. She would not tell me at first but asked why
+I wanted to know and who had sent me to enquire. She wouldn't look into
+the book until I told her that it was _only for myself_ that I wanted to
+know. Then she looked, for I knew the number of the cloak room locker:
+36, a lovely number, I like it so much. I don't really know why, but
+when I hear anyone say that number it sounds to me like a squirrel
+jumping about in the wood.
+
+November 20th. It's really impossible to write every day. Mother is ill
+in bed and the doctor comes every day, but I don't really know what's
+the matter with her. I'm not sure whether the doctor knows exactly.
+When Mother is ill everything at home is so uncomfortable and she always
+says: Whatever you do don't get ill, for it's such a nuisance. But
+I don't mind being ill; indeed I rather like being ill, for then
+everyone's so nice, when Father comes home he comes and sits by my bed
+and even _Dora_ is rather nice and does things for me; that is she _has_
+to. Besides, when she had diptheria two years ago I did everything
+I could for her, she nearly died, her temperature went up to 107 and
+Mother was sick with crying. Father never cries. It must look funny when
+a man cries. When there was all that row about Oswald he cried, I think
+Father had given him a box on the ear. He said he hadn't but I think
+he had; certainly he cried, though he said he didn't. After all, why
+shouldn't he for he's not really grown up yet. I cry myself when I get
+frightfully annoyed. Still I shouldn't cry for a box on the ear.
+
+November 21st. In the religion lesson to-day Lisel Schrotter who is the
+Herr Catechist's favourite, no we've got to call him Herr Professor,
+as she is the Herr Professor's favourite, well she went to him with the
+Bible and asked him what _with child_ meant. That's what they say of
+Mary in the Bible. The Schrotter girl does not know anything yet and the
+other girls egged her on till she went and asked. The Herr Professor got
+quite red and said: If you don't know yet it does not matter. We shall
+come to that later, we're still in the Old Testament. I was so glad
+that Hella does not sit next me in the religion lesson, because she's
+a Protestant; we should certainly have both burst out laughing. Some
+of the girls giggled frightfully and the Herr Professor said to Lisel:
+You're a good girl, don't bother about the others. But Lisel positively
+howled. I would not have asked, even if I hadn't really known. _With
+child_ is a stupid word anyhow, it doesn't mean anything really; only if
+one knows.
+
+November 22nd. When I was coming away from the religion lesson with
+Berta Franke the other day, of course we began talking about _it_. She
+says that's why people marry, only because of _it_. I said I could not
+believe that people marry only for _that_. Lots of people marry and then
+have no children. That's all right said Berta, but it's quite true what
+I tell you. Then she told me a lot more but I really can't write it
+all down. It is too horrid, but I shan't forget. When I was sitting
+on Mother's bed to-day I suddenly realised that Father's bed is really
+quite close to Mother's. I had never thought about it before. But it's
+not really necessary now for we are all quite big. Still I suppose
+they've just left things as they were. Well dear, said Mother, what are
+you looking round so for? Of course I didn't let on, but said: I was
+only looking round and thinking that if your bed was where the washstand
+is you could see to read better when you are lying in bed. That would
+not do because the wall's all wrong said Mother. I said nothing more and
+she didn't either. I like much better to sleep on a sofa than in a bed,
+because I like to snuggle up against the back. I'm so glad Mother
+didn't notice anything. One has to be so frightfully careful not to give
+oneself away when one knows everything.
+
+November 25th. I have just been reading a lovely story; it is called
+_A True Heart_ and is about a girl whose betrothed has had to leave her
+because he has shot a man who was spying on him. But Rosa remains true
+to him till he comes back after 10 years and then they marry. It's
+simply splendid and frightfully sad at first. I do love these library
+books, but when we were at the elementary school I knew all the books
+they had and the mistress never knew what to give me and Hella. In the
+high school we get only one book a month, for the Frau Doktor says we
+have plenty of work to do, and that when we are not at work we ought to
+be out in the fresh air. I can't manage to go skating every day. I do
+love the Gold Fairy, that is my name for _her_, for I hate her real
+name. Inspee declares that they call her Stasi for short, but I don't
+believe that; most likely they call her Anna, but that's so common.
+Thank goodness Hella always calls me Rita, so at school I'm known as
+Rita. It's only at home that they will call me Gretl. The other day I
+said to Inspee: If you want me to call you Thea you must call me Rita;
+and anyhow I won't let you call me Gretl, that's what they call a little
+girl or a peasant girl. She said: I don't care tuppence what _you_ call
+me. All right, then, she shall be Dora till the end of time.
+
+November 27th. Father has been made Appeal Court Judge. He is awfully
+glad and so is Mother. The news came yesterday evening. Now he can
+become President of the Supreme Court, not directly, but in a few years.
+We shall probably move to a larger house in May. Inspee said to Mother
+that she hoped she would have her _own_ room where she would not be
+_disturbed_. How absurd, who disturbs her, I suppose I do? Much more
+like she disturbs me, always watching while I'm writing my diary. Hella
+always says: "There really ought not to be any elder sisters;" she's
+jolly well right. It's a pity we can't alter things. Mother says we are
+really too big to keep St. Nicholas, but I don't see why one should ever
+be too big for that. Last year Inspee got something from St. Nicholas
+when she was 13 and I'm not 12 yet. All we get are chocolates and sweets
+and dates and that sort of thing, not proper presents. The girls want to
+give the Frau Doktor a great Krampus * to leave it on her desk. I think
+that's silly. It's not a proper present for a teacher one is really fond
+of, one doesn't want to waste sweets on a teacher one doesn't like, and
+to give an empty Krampus would be rude. Mother is really right and a
+Krampus is only suitable for children.
+
+     * Krampus=Ruprechtsknecht, i.e. a little Demon, who serves
+     St. Nicholas, and is a bogey man to carry off naughty children
+     An image of this Demon filled with sweets, is given as a present
+     on the feast of St. Nicholas which inaugurates the Christmas
+     season.--Translators' Note.
+
+December 1st. We are giving everyone of the staff a Krampus, each of
+us is to subscribe a crown, I hope Father will give me the crown extra.
+Perhaps he'll give us more pocket money now, at least another crown,
+that would be splendid. We are going to give big Krampuses to the ones
+we like best, and: small ones to those we are not so fond of. We're
+afraid to give one to Professor J. But if he doesn't get one perhaps
+he'll be offended.
+
+December 2nd. To-day we went to buy Krampuses for the staff. The one for
+Frau Doktor M. is the finest. When you open it the first thing you see
+is little books with Schiller, Goethe, and Fairy Tales written on the
+backs, and then underneath these are the sweets. That's exactly suited
+for her, for the Frau Doktor teaches German and in the Fourth in German
+they are reading these poets. Last month in the Fourth they had a
+Schiller festival and Frau Doktor made a splendid speech and some of
+the girls gave recitations. Besides Hella has shown me an awful poem by
+Schiller. There you can read: if only I could catch her in the bath, she
+would cry for mercy, for I would soon show the girl that I am a man. And
+then in another place: "To my mate in God's likeness I can show _that_
+which is the source of life." But you can only find that in the _large_
+editions of Schiller. I believe we've got some books of that sort in
+our bookcase, for when Inspee was rummaging there the other day Mother
+called from the next room: "Dora, what are you hunting for in the
+bookcase? I can tell you where it is." And she said: Oh, it's nothing, I
+was just looking for something, and shut the door quickly.
+
+December 4th. The girls are so tiresome and have made such a muddle
+about the Krampuses for the staff. The money didn't come out right and
+Keller said that Markus had taken some but Markus said not taken only
+kept. Of course Markus complained to Frau Doktor and her father went to
+the head and complained too. Frau Doktor said we know quite well that
+collections are not allowed and that we must not give any one a Krampus.
+Now Keller has the five Krampuses and we don't know what to do about it.
+Mother says that sort of thing never turns out well but always ends in a
+quarrel.
+
+December 5th. We are in such a funk: Hella and I and Edith Bergler have
+taken the Krampus which we bought for Frau Doktor M. and put it on her
+doorstep. Edith Bergler knew where she lived for she comes by there
+every day on her way to school. I wonder if she'll guess where the
+Krampus comes from. I did not know that Edith Bergler was such a
+nice girl, I always thought she must be deceitful because she wears
+spectacles. But now I'm quite certain she is not deceitful, so one sees
+how easy it is to make a mistake. To-morrow's our German lesson.
+
+December 6th. Frau Doktor did not say anything at first. Then she gave
+out the subject for the essay: "Why once I could not go to sleep at
+night." The girls were all taken aback, and then Frau Doktor said:
+Now girls that's not so very difficult. One person cannot go to sleep
+because he's just going to be ill, another because he is excited by joy
+or fear. Another has an uneasy conscience because he has done something
+which he has been forbidden to do; have not all of you experienced
+something of the kind? Then she looked frightfully hard at Edith Bergler
+and us two. She did not say anything more, so we don't really know if
+she suspects. I couldn't go to the ice carnival yesterday because I
+had such a bad cough, and Dora couldn't go either because she had a
+headache; I don't know whether it was a real headache or _that kind_ of
+headache; but I expect it was that kind.
+
+December 17th. I haven't managed to write anything for a whole week.
+The day before yesterday we had our Christmas reports: In history I had
+satisfactory, in Natural History good, in everything else very good. In
+diligence because of that stupid Vischer I had only a 2. Father was very
+angry; he says everyone can get a 1 in diligence. That's true enough,
+but if one has satisfactory in anything then one can't get a 1 for
+diligence. Inspee of course had only 1's, except a 2 in English. But
+then she's a frightful swot. Verbenowitsch is the best in our class, but
+we can't any of us bear her, she's so frantically conceited and Berta
+Franke says she's _not to be trusted_. Berta walks to school with her
+cousin who's in the seventh; she's nearly 14, and is awfully pretty. She
+didn't say what sort of a report she had, but I believe it was a very
+bad one.
+
+December 18th. To-day at supper Dora fainted because she found a little
+chicken in her egg, not really a chicken yet, but one could make out
+the wings and the head, just a sketch of a chicken Father said. Still,
+I really can't see what there was to faint about. Afterwards she said it
+had made her feel quite creepy. And she'll never be able to eat another
+egg. At first Father was quite frightened and so was Mother, but then he
+laughed and said: What a fuss about nothing! She had to go and lie down
+at once and I stayed downstairs for a long time. When I came up to our
+room she was reading, that is I saw the light through the crack in the
+door; but when I opened the door it was all dark and when I asked: Ah so
+you're still reading she didn't answer and she pretended to wake up when
+I switched on the light and said: What's the matter? I can't stand such
+humbug so I said: Shut up, you know quite well it's 9 o-clock. That's
+all. On our way to school to-day we didn't Speak a word to one another.
+Luckily after awhile we met a girl belonging to her class.
+
+December 19th. I'm frightfully excited to know what I'm going to get for
+Christmas. What I've wished for is: A set of white furs, boa, muff,
+and velvet cap trimmed with the same fur, acme skates because mine are
+always working loose, _German_ sagas, not Greek; no thank you, hair
+ribbons, openwork stockings, and if possible a gold pin like the one
+Hella got for a birthday present. But Father says that our Christ Child
+would find that rather too expensive. Inspee wants a corset. But I don't
+think she'll get one because it's unhealthy. The tablecloth for Father
+is finished and is being trimmed, but Mother's book cover is not quite
+ready yet. I'm giving Dora a little manicure case. Oh, and I'd nearly
+forgotten what I want more than anything else, a lock-up box in which to
+keep my diary. Dora wants some openwork stockings too and three books. A
+frightful thing happened to me the other day. I left one of the pages
+of my diary lying about or lost one somehow or other. When I came home
+Inspee said: "you've lost _this_, haven't you? School notes I suppose?"
+I didn't notice what it was for a moment, but then I saw by the look
+of it and said: Yes, those are school notes. Hm-m-m, said Inspee, not
+exactly that are they? You can thank your stars that I've not shown them
+to Mother. Besides people who can't spell yet really ought not to keep
+diaries. It's not suitable for children. I was in a wax. In the closet
+I took a squint to see what mistakes I had made. There was only _wenn_
+with one _n_ instead of double _n_ and _dass_ with short _ss's_, that's
+all. I was jolly glad that there was nothing about _her_ on the page.
+She'd underlined the _n_ and the short _ss's_ with red, just as if she
+was a schoolmistress, infernal cheek! The best would be to have a book
+with a lock to it, which one could alway keep locked, then no one could
+read any of it and underline one's mistakes in red. I often write so
+fast that it's easy to make a slip now and again. As if she never made a
+mistake. The whole thing made me furious. But I can't say anything about
+it because of Mother, at least on the way to school; but no, if I say
+nothing at all then she always gets more waxy than ever. If I were to
+say much about it Mother might remember those 5 pages I lost in the
+country and I'd rather not thank you.
+
+December 22nd. Aunt Dora came to-day. She's going to stay with us for a
+time till Mother is quite well again. I didn't remember her at all, for
+I was only four or five when she went away from Vienna. You dear little
+black beetle she said to me and gave me a kiss. I didn't like the
+_black_ much, but Hella says that suits me, that it's _piquant_.
+_Piquant_ is what the officers always say of her cousin in Krems, Father
+says she is a beauty, and she's dark like me. But I'd rather be fair,
+fair with brown eyes or better still with violet eyes. Shall I grow up a
+beauty? Oh I do hope I shall!
+
+December 23rd. I am frightfully excited about to-morrow. I wonder what
+I shall get? Now I must go and decorate the Christmas tree. Inspee said:
+Hullo, is _Gretl_ going to help decorate this year? She's never done it
+before! I should like to know why not. But Aunt Dora took my side. "Of
+course she'll help decorate too; but please don't stuff yourselves
+with sweets." "If Dora doesn't eat anything I shan't either," said I
+promptly.
+
+Evening. Yesterday was our last day at school. The holidays are from the
+23rd to January 2nd. It's glorious. I shall be able to go skating every
+day. Of course I had no time to-day and shan't have to--morrow. I wonder
+whether I should send the Gold Fairy a Christmas card. I wish she had a
+prettier name. Anastasia Klastoschek; it is so ugly. All Czech names
+are so ugly. Father knows a Count Wilczek, but a still worse name is
+Schafgotsch. Nothing would induce me to marry anyone called Schafgotsch
+or Wilczek even if he were a count and a millionaire. Yesterday we
+paid our respects to the staff, Verbenowitsch and I went to Frau Doktor
+because she is fondest of us, or is _said_ to be. Nobody wanted to go to
+Professor Rigl, Igel, we always say Nikel, for when he has respects paid
+to him he always says: "Aw ri'." But it would have been rude to leave
+him out and so the monitors had to go. When Christmas was drawing near
+Frau Doktor told us that we were none of us to give presents to the
+staff. "I beg you, girls, to bear in mind what I am saying, for if you
+do not there will only be trouble. You remember what happened on St.
+Nicholas' day. And you must not send anything to the homes of the staff,
+nor must the Christ Child leave anything on any one's doorstep." As she
+said this she looked hard at me and Edith Bergler, so she knows who left
+the Krampus. I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Hurrah, to-morrow
+is Christmas Eve!!!
+
+December 24th. Christmas Eve afternoon is horrid. One does not know what
+to be at. I'm not allowed to go skating so the best thing is to write.
+Oswald came home yesterday. Everyone says he's looking splendid; I think
+he's awfully pale and he snorted when everyone said he had such a fine
+colour; of course, how can he look well when he has such a _heartache_.
+I wish I could tell him that I understand what he feels, but he's too
+proud to accept sympathy from me. He has wished for an army revolver for
+Christmas, but I don't think he'll get one for boys at the middle school
+are not allowed to have any firearms. Not long ago at a Gymnasium in
+Galicia one of the boys shot a master out of revenge; they said it was
+because the boy was getting on badly with his work, but really it was
+about a girl, although the master was 36 years old. This morg. I was
+in town with Oswald shopping; we met the Warths, Elli and . . . Robert.
+Oswald said that Elli was quite nice-looking but that Robert was an ugly
+beast. Besides, he can't stand him he said, because he glared at me so.
+If only he knew what happened in the summer! I was awfully condescending
+to Robert and that made him furious. If one could only save you girls
+from all the troubles which the world calls "Love," said Oswald on the
+way home. I was just going to say "I know that you're unhappy in love
+and I can feel for you," when Inspee came round the corner of the
+Bognergasse with her chum and 2 officers were following them, so none
+of them saw us. "Great Scott, Frieda's full-fledged now," said Oswald,
+"she's a little tart." I can't stand that sort of vulgarity so I did
+not say another word all the way home. He noticed and said to Mother:
+"Gretl's mouth has been frozen up from envy." That's all. But it was
+really disgusting of him and now I know what line to take.
+
+Just a moment for a word or two. The whole Christmas Eve has gone to
+pot. A commissionaire came with a bouquet for Dora and Father is fuming.
+I wish I knew who sent it. I wonder if it was one of those 2 officers?
+Of course Inspee says she has not the ghost of an idea. What surprises
+me is that Oswald has not given her away. All he said was: I say, what
+a lark! But Father was down on him like anything, "You hold your jaw
+and think of your own beastly conduct." I didn't envy him; I don't think
+much of Dora's looks myself, but apparently she pleases _someone_. In
+the bouquet there was a poem and Dora got hold of it quickly before
+Father had seen it. It was awfully pretty, and it was signed: One for
+whom you have made Christmas beautiful! The heading is: "The Magic
+Season." I think Dora's splendid not to give herself away; even to me
+she declares she does not know who sent it; but of course that may be
+all humbug. I think it really comes from young Perathoner, with whom
+she's always skating.
+
+December 28th. I've had absolutely no time to write. I got everything I
+wanted. Aunt Dora gave both of us an opera glass in mother-of-pearl in
+a plush case. We are going to all the school performances, Father's
+arranged it; he has subscribed to _all_ the performances during the
+school year 19-- to 19--. I am so delighted for Frau Doktor M. will come
+too. I do hope I shall sit next to her.
+
+December 31st. To-day I wanted to read through all I have written, but I
+could not manage it but in the new year I really must write every day.
+
+January 1st, 19--. I must write a few sentences at least. For the
+afternoon we had been invited to the Rydberg's the Warths were there and
+Edle von Wernhoff!! I was just the same as usual with Lisel but I would
+not say a word to R. They left before us, and then Heddy asked me what
+was wrong between me and R. He had said of me: Any one can have the
+_black goose for me_. Then he said that any one could take me in. I was
+so stupid that I would believe anything. I can't think what he meant,
+for he never took me in about anything. Anyhow I would not let _him_
+spoil new year's day for me. But Hella is quite right for if the
+first person one meets on January 1st is a common person that's a bad
+beginning. The first thing this morning when I went out I met our old
+postman who's always so grumpy if he's kept waiting at the door.
+I looked the other way directly and across the street a fine young
+gentleman was passing, but it was no good for the common postman had
+really been the first.
+
+January 12th. I am so angry. _We_ mayn't go skating any more because
+Inspee has begun to complain again of her silly old ears and Mother
+imagines that she got her earache last year skating. It's all right to
+keep _her_ at home; but why shouldn't _I_ go? How can _I_ help it when
+_she_ gets a chill so easily? In most things Father is justice itself,
+but I really can't understand him this time. It's simply absurd, only
+it's too miserable to call it absurd. I'm in a perfect fury. Still, I
+don't say anything.
+
+February 12th. I have not written for a whole month, I've been working
+so hard. To-day we got our reports. Although I've been working so
+frightfully hard, again I only got a 2 in Diligence. Frau Doktor M. made
+a splendid speech and said: As you sow, so you shall reap. But that's
+not always true. In Natural History I did not know my lesson twice but
+I got a 1, and in History I only did not know my lesson once and I got
+Satisfactory. Anyhow Fraulein V. does not like me because of that time
+when I did not bow to her in the tram. That is why in January, when
+Mother asked about me, she said: "She does not really put her back
+into her work." I overheard Father say: After all she's only a kid, but
+to-day he made a frightful row about the 2 in Diligence. He might have
+known why she gave me that. Dora, _so she says_, has only ones, but
+she has not shown me the report. I don't believe what I don't see. And
+Mother never gives her away to me.
+
+February 15th. Father is furious because Oswald has an Unsatisfactory in
+Greek. Greek is really no use; for no one uses Greek, except the people
+who live in Greece and Oswald will never go there, if he is going to be
+a judge like Father. _Of course_ Dora learns Latin; but not for me thank
+you. Hella's report is not particularly good and her father was in a
+_perfect fury!!!_ He says she ought to have a better report than any one
+else. She does not bother much and says: One can't have everything. But
+if she doesn't get nothing but ones in the summer term she is not
+to stay at the high school and will have to go to the middle school.
+That'll make her sit up. Father's awfully funny too: What have you got
+history books for, if you don't read them? Yesterday when I was reading
+my album of stories, Father came in and said: You like a story book
+better than a history book, and shut the book up and took it away from
+me. I was in such a temper that I went to bed at 7 o'clock without any
+supper.
+
+February 20th. I met the Gold Fairy to-day. She spoke to me and asked
+why I did not come skating any more. The fancy dress Ice Carnival on the
+24th was splendid she said. I said: Would you believe it, a year ago my
+_sister_ had an earache, and _for that reason_ they won't allow
+_either_ of us to skate this year. She laughed like anything and said so
+exquisitely: Oh, what a wicked sister. She looked perfectly ravishing:
+A red-brown coat and skirt trimmed with fur, sable I believe, and a huge
+brown beaver hat with crepe-de-chine ribbons, lovely. And her eyes and
+mouth. I believe she will marry the man who is always going about with
+her. Next autumn, when we get new winter clothes, I shall have a fur
+trimmed red-brown. We must not always be dressed alike. Hella and Lizzi
+are never dressed alike.
+
+March 8th. I shall never say another word to Berta Franker she's utterly
+false. I've such a frightful headache because I cried all through
+the lesson. She wrote to Hella and me in the arithmetic lesson: A
+_Verhaltnis_ ** means something quite different. Just at that moment the
+mistress looked across and said: To whom were you nodding? She said: To
+Lainer. Because she laughed at the word "Verhaltnis." It was not true.
+I had not thought about the word at all. It wasn't till I had read the
+note that it occurred to Hella and me what _Verhaltnis_ means. After the
+lesson Fraulein St. called us down into the teachers' room and told
+Frau Doktor M. that Franke and I had laughed at the use of the word
+"Verhaltnis." Frau Doktor said: What was there to laugh at? Why did you
+not just do your sums? Fraulein St. said: You ought to be ashamed of
+yourselves, young girls in the first class shouldn't know anything about
+such things. I shall have to speak to your mothers. In the German lesson
+Frau Doktor M. told us to write an essay on the proverb: Pure the
+heart and true the word, clear the brow and free the eye, these are our
+safeguards, or something of that sort; I must get Hella to write it for
+me, for I was crying all through the lesson.
+
+     ** The German word Verhaltnis as used in the arithmetic lesson
+     means ratio, proportion. The word is in common use in
+     Germany for a love intimacy or liaison.--Translators' Note.
+
+March 10th. To-day Berta Franke wanted to talk things out with us; but
+Hella and I told her we would not speak to her again. We told her to
+remember _what sort_ of things she had said to us. She denied it all
+already. We shouldn't be such humbugs. It was mean of her. Really we
+didn't know anything and _she_ told us all about it. Hella has told
+me again and again she wished we didn't know anything. She says she's
+always afraid of giving herself away and that she often thinks about
+that sort of thing when she ought to be learning her lessons. So do
+I. And one often dreams about such things at night when one has been
+talking about them in the afternoon. Still, it's better to know all
+about it.
+
+March 22nd. I so seldom manage to write anything, first of all our
+lessons take such a lot of time, and second because I don't care about
+it any more since what Father said the other day. The last time I wrote
+was on Saturday afternoon, and Father came in and said: Come along
+children, we'll go to Schonbrunn. That will do you more good than
+scribbling diaries which you only go and lose when you've written them.
+So Mother told Father all about it in the holidays. I couldn't have
+believed it of Mother for I begged her to promise not to tell anyone.
+And she said: One doesn't promise about a thing like that; but I won't
+tell anyone. And now she must have told about it, although she said she
+wouldn't. Even Franke's deceitfulness was nothing to that for after all
+we've only known her since last autumn, but I could never have believed
+that Mother would do such a thing. I told Hella when we were having tea
+at the Tivoli and she said she would not altogether trust her mother,
+she'd rather trust her father. But if that had happened to _her_, her
+father would have boxed her ears with the diary. I did not want to show
+anything, but in the evening I only gave Mother quite a little kiss. And
+she said, what's the matter, dear? has anything happened? Then I could
+not keep it in and I cried like anything and said: You've betrayed me.
+And Mother said: "I?" Yes, you; you told Father about the diary though
+you promised me you wouldn't. At first Mother didn't remember anything
+about it, but soon she remembered and said: "But, little one, I tell
+Father everything. All you meant was that Dora was not to know." That's
+quite true, it's all right that Dora wasn't told; but still Father need
+not have been told either. And Mother was awfully sweet and nice and I
+didn't go to bed till 10 o'clock. But whatever happens I shan't tell
+her anything again and I don't care about the old diary any more. Hella
+says: Don't be stupid; I ought just to go on writing; but another time
+I should be careful not to lose anything, and besides I should not blab
+everything to Mother and Father. She says she no longer tells her mother
+anything since that time in the summer when her mother gave her a box on
+the ear because that other girl had told her all about everything. It's
+quite true, Hella is right, I'm just a child still in the way I run to
+Mother and tell her everything. And it's not nice of Father to tease me
+about my diary; I suppose he never kept one himself.
+
+March 27th. Hurrah we're going to Hainfeld for Easter; I am so
+delighted. Mother has a friend there whose husband is doctor there, so
+she has to live there all the year round. Last year in the winter she
+and Ada stayed three days with us because her eyes were bad. Ada is
+really nearly as old as Dora, but Dora said, like her cheek: "Her
+intellectual level makes her much more suitable company for you than for
+me." Dora thinks herself cleverer than anyone else. They have 2 boys,
+but I don't know them very well for they are only 8 and 9. Mother's
+friend was in an asylum once, for she went off her head when her 2 year
+old baby died. I remember it quite well. It must have been more than 2
+years ago when Father and Mother were always talking of poor Anna who
+had lost her child within 3 days. And I believed she had really lost it,
+and once I asked whether they had found it yet. I thought it had been
+lost in the forest, because there's such a great forest at Hainfeld. And
+since then I can't bear to hear people say lost when they mean dead, for
+it is so difficult to know which they really mean.
+
+On the 8th of April the Easter holidays will begin and we shall go on
+the 11th, on Maundy Thursday.
+
+April 6th. I don't know what to do about writing my diary. I don't want
+to take it with me and as for remembering everything and writing it down
+afterwards I know quite well I should never do that. Hella says I should
+only jot it down in outline, that's what Frau Doktor M. always says, and
+write it out properly after I come back from Hainfeld. That's what she
+does. They are going to the Brioni Islands. I've never seen the sea.
+Hella says there's nothing so wonderful about it. She's been there four
+times. Anyway she does not think so much of it as most people do. So it
+can't be anything so frightfully grand. Rather stupid I dare say.
+
+April 12th. We got here yesterday. Ada is a darling but the two boys
+are awfully vulgar. Ernstl said to Ada: I shall give you a smack on the
+a---- if you don't give me my pistol directly. Ada is as tall as her
+mother. Their speech is rather countrified Even the doctor's. He drinks
+a frightful lot of beer; quarts I believe.
+
+April 14th. Father came to-day. He's awfully fond of the doctor. They
+kissed one another. It did make me laugh. In the morning we were in
+the forest; but there are no violets yet, only a few snowdrops, but a
+tremendous lot of hellebores quite red.
+
+April 15th. We got up at 4 yesterday morning. We did not go into the
+church for Mother was afraid that the smell of incense and boots would
+make Dora feel bad. What rot! It was lovely. This afternoon we are going
+to Ramsau, it's lovely there.
+
+April 16th. Father went home to-day. We go home to-morrow. At
+Whitsuntide Ada's mother is going to bring her to be confirmed. They
+are all coming to stay with us. I got stuck in a bog on the bank of the
+Ramsau. It was awful. But the doctor pulled me out and then we did all
+laugh so when we saw what my shoes and stockings were like. Luckily I
+was able to catch hold of a tree stump or I should have sunk right in.
+
+April 18th. Hella says it was splendid at the Brioni Islands. She is
+frightfully sunburned. I don't like that, so I shall _never_ go to the
+_south_. Hella says that if one marries in winter one _must_ spend one's
+honeymoon in the south. That would not suit me, I should just put off my
+marriage till the summer.
+
+Ada is only 13 not 14 like Dora, and the parish priest makes a
+tremendous fuss because she's not confirmed yet. Her mother is going to
+bring her to be confirmed soon. We are not going to be confirmed because
+Father and Mother don't want to be bothered with it. Still I should like
+to be confirmed, for then one _has_ to have a watch, and one can ask for
+something else at Christmas.
+
+April 21st. Our lessons are something frightful just now. The school
+inspector is coming soon. It's always very disagreeable. Mme A. says:
+The inspection is for the staff not for the pupils. Still, it's horrid
+for the pupils too first of all because we get blamed at the time
+and secondly because the staff makes such a frightful row about it
+afterwards. Dora says that a bad inspection can make one's report 2
+degrees worse. By the way, that reminds me that I have not yet written
+why Oswald did not come home at Easter. _Although his reports were not
+at all good_, he was allowed to go to Aunt Alma's at Pola, because this
+year Richard comes home for the holidays for the last time. After that
+he's going away for three years in the steamship "Ozean" to the East or
+Turkey or Persia, I don't quite know where. If Oswald likes he can go
+into the Navy too in two years.
+
+May 9th. The school inspector came to-day, first of all in natural
+history, thank goodness I wasn't in for it that time, and then in
+German; I was in that, reading and in the table of contents of the
+Wandering Bells. Thank goodness I got through all right.
+
+May 14th. It's Mother's birthday to-day. We've had simply no time to
+work anything for her, so we got a wonderful electric lamp for her bed
+table, the switch is a bunch of grapes and the stand is made of brass.
+She was so pleased with it. Yesterday Frau v. R. was here. She's a
+friend of Mother's and of Hella's mother. I should like to have music
+lessons from Frau v. R., she gives lessons since her husband who was a
+major died though she is quite well off.
+
+May 15th. That must have been true about the inspection; in the interval
+to-day Professor Igel-Nikel said to the Herr Religionsprofessor: Well,
+he will go on coming all through the week and then we shall be all right
+for this year. _We_, of course that means the staff. But really the
+staff can't help it if the pupils are no good. Though Oswald says it's
+all the fault of the staff. I shall be glad too when the inspection is
+over. The staff is always quite different when the inspector is there,
+some are better, some are stricter, and Mme. A. says: I always feel
+quite ill with anxiety.
+
+May 29th. At Whitsuntide Frau Doctor Haslinger came from Hainfeld with
+Ada and the two boys for the confirmation. On Whitsunday the doctor came
+too and in the evening they all went home again. Ada is very pretty, but
+she looks countrified. I'm not going to be confirmed anyhow. We had to
+wait 3 hours, though the Friday before Whitsunday was a very fine day.
+Dora did not come; only Mother and I and Ada and her mother. The
+women who were selling white favours all thought that I was one of the
+candidates because I wore a white dress too. Ada was rather put out
+about it. On Saturday we were in town in the morning and afternoon
+because Ada liked that better than the Kahlenberg; on Sunday morning we
+went to Schonbrunn and in the afternoon they went home. The watch they
+gave to Ada was a lovely one and Dora and I gave her a gold chain for a
+locket. She enjoyed herself immensely, except that on Sunday she had a
+frightful headache. Because she is not used to town noises.
+
+May 31st. Ada knows a good deal already, but not everything. I told her
+a few things. In H. last winter a girl drowned herself because she was
+going to have a baby. It made a great sensation and her mother told her
+a little, but not everything. Ada once saw a bitch having her pups, but
+she didn't tell her mother about it; she thought that her mother might
+be very angry. Still, she could not help it, the dog belonged to their
+next door neighbour and she happened to see it in the out-house. Ada
+is expecting _it_ to begin every day for she is nearly 14. In H. every
+grown-up girl has an admirer. Ada says she will have one as soon as she
+is 14; she knows who it will be.
+
+June 3rd. Ada wrote to-day to thank Mother about the confirmation and
+she wrote to me as well. It is strange that she did not make friends
+with Dora but with me. I think that Dora won't talk about _those_
+things, at least only with her friends in the high school, especially
+with Frieda Ertl. That is why Ada made friends with me, though I am 2
+years younger. She is really an awfully nice girl.
+
+June 19th. One thing after another goes missing in our class, first
+it was Fleischer's galoshes, then my new gloves, three times money was
+missing, and today Fraulein Steiner's new vanity bag. There was a great
+enquiry. But nothing was found out. We all think it is Schmolka. But
+no one will tell. To-day we could none of us attend to our lessons
+especially when Sch. left the room at half past 11.
+
+June 20th. In our closet the school servant found some beads on the
+floor but since she did not know anything she threw them into the
+dustbin. Was it really Sch.? It would be a dirty trick. Frl. St. is
+frightfully upset because her betrothed gave her the vanity bag for a
+birthday present and his photo was in it. But I'm really sorry for
+Sch. Nobody will speak to her although nothing is proved yet. She is
+frightfully pale and her eyes are always full of tears. Hella thinks too
+that perhaps she didn't do it, for she is one of Frl. St.'s favourites
+and she is very fond of her herself. She always carries the copybooks
+home for her.
+
+June 22nd. Our closet was stopped up and when the porter came to see
+what was the matter he found the vanity bag. But what use is it to Frl.
+now; she can't possibly use it any more. We giggled all through lessons
+whenever we caught one another's eye and the staff was in a frightful
+rage. Only Frau Doktor M. said: "Now please get through with your
+laughing over this extremely unsavoury affair, and then have done with
+it."
+
+June 23rd. There was a frightful row to-day. Verbenowitsch was
+collecting the German copybooks and when Sch. wanted to hand up her
+copybook she said: Please give up your copybook yourself; I won't have
+anything to do with (then there was a long pause) you. We were all
+apalled and Sch. went as white as a sheet. At 10 o'clock she begged
+permission to leave the room because she felt bad. I'm sure her mother
+will come to speak about it to-morrow.
+
+June 24th. Sch.'s mother did not come after all. Verbenowitsch said:
+Of course not! Sch. did not come either. Hella says she couldn't stand
+anything like that, she would rather drown herself. I don't know, one
+wants _other_ reasons for drowning oneself. Still, I should tell Father
+so that he could speak about it at school. Franke said: Yes, that's
+all very well, because _you_ didn't do it; but _if_ one had done it one
+would not dare to say anything at home. Besides, Sch.'s father is an
+invalid, he's quite paralysed, has been bedridden for two years and
+can't speak.
+
+June 27th. To-day Hella and I walked home with Frau Doktor M. Really she
+always goes home alone but Hella suddenly left me and went up to
+Frau Doktor in the street and said: Please excuse me Frau Doktor for
+bothering you in the street, we _must_ speak to you. She got quite red.
+Then Frau Doktor said: "What's the matter?" And Hella said: "Isn't it
+possible to find out who took the vanity bag? If it wasn't Sch. the
+way the other girls treat her will make her quite ill, and if it was we
+can't stand having her among us any longer." Hella was really splendid
+and Frau Doktor M. made us tell her everything that had happened,
+including about Verbenowitsch and the copybooks; and we saw quite
+clearly she had tears in her eyes and she said: "The poor child!
+Children I promise I will do what I can for her." We both kissed her
+hand and my heart beat furiously. And Hella said: "You are an angel." I
+could never have managed to say a thing like that.
+
+June 28th. To-day Sch. was there again, but Frau Doktor M. did not
+say anything. Hella and I kept on looking at her and Hella cleared her
+throat three times and Frau Doktor said: Bruckner, do stop clearing your
+throat; it will only make your sore throat worse: But it seemed to me
+her eyes twinkled as she said it. So she hasn't forgotten. I wanted to
+speak to Sch., but Hella said: Wait a bit, we must give the Frau Doktor
+a chance. She's taken the matter in hand. To-morrow before 9 we'll walk
+up and down in front of her house till she comes out.
+
+June 30th. Unluckily yesterday was a holiday and to-day Frau Doktor's
+first lesson began at 11. But she has already had a talk with Sch. only
+we don't know when and where; certainly it was not in the interval and
+she did not send for Sch. during lessons.
+
+July 1st. To-day we walked to school with her She _is_ such a dear.
+Children, she said, this is such a painful matter, and it is difficult
+to find a way out. Sch. insists that she did not do it, and whether she
+did it or not these days are burning themselves into her soul and Hella
+asked: "Please, Frau Doktor advise us what to do, speak to her or not?"
+Then she said: Children I think that after this affair she won't come
+back to us next year; you will be doing a good work if you make these
+last days bearable to her. You were never intimate with her, but to give
+her a friendly word or two will do you no harm and may help her. You 2
+have a high standing in the class; your example will do good. We walked
+with her till we reached the school, and because we were there we could
+not kiss her hand but Hella said out loud: How sweet you are! She must
+have heard it. But Sch. was not at school. Father says he's glad that
+the term is nearly over, for I have been quite crazy about this affair.
+Still, he thinks that Hella and I should talk to Sch. So does Mother.
+But Dora said: Yes that's all right but you must not go too far.
+
+July 5th. Sch. was not at school to-day. To-morrow we are to get our
+reports.
+
+July 6th. We cried like anything I and Hella and Verbenowitsch because
+we shan't see Frau Doktor M. any more for nearly 3 months. I only had 2
+in History and Natural History, but 1 in everything else. Franke says:
+Anyone who is not in Professor Igel-Nigl's good books can find out that
+he's cranky and stupid and _he_ could never get a one. Father is quite
+pleased. Of course Dora has got only ones and Hella has three twos.
+Lizzi, I think, has 3 or 4. Father has given each of us a 2 crown piece,
+we can blow it, he says and Mother has given us a lace collar.
+
+July 9th. We are going to Hainfeld this summer, its jolly, I'm awfully
+pleased; but not until the 20th because Father can't get away till
+then and Mother won't leave Father so long alone. It is only a few days
+anyhow. It's a pity Hella's gone already, she left early this morning
+for Parsch near Salzburg, what a horrid name and Hella too doesn't like
+saying it; I can't think how anyone can give a place such a nasty name.
+They have rented a house.
+
+July 12th. It's shockingly dull. Nearly every day I have a quarrel
+with Dora because she's so conceited Oswald came home yesterday. He's
+fearfully smart nearly as tall as Father only about a quarter head
+shorter, but then Father's tremendously tall. And his voice is quite
+deep, it was not before. And he has parted his hair on one side, it
+suits him very well. He says his moustache is growing already but it
+isn't; one could see it if it were; five hairs don't make a moustache.
+
+July 19th. Thank goodness we're going at last the day after to-morrow.
+Father wanted Mother to go away with us earlier, but she would not. It
+would have been nicer if she had.
+
+July 24th. Our house is only 3 doors away from the Hs. Ada and I spend
+the whole day together. There happens to be a schoolfellow of Dora's
+here, one she gets on with quite well, Rosa Tilofsky Oswald says that
+Hainfeld bores him to death and that he shall get a friend to invite him
+somewhere. Nothing will induce him to spend the whole holidays here.
+His name for Ada is: "Country Simplicity." If he only knew how much she
+knows. Rosa T. he calls a "Pimple Complex" because she has two or three
+pimples. Oswald has some fault to find with every girl he comes across.
+He says of Dora: She is a green frog, for she always looks so pale and
+has cold hands, and he says of me: You can't say anything about her yet:
+"_She_ is still nothing but an unripe embryo." Thank goodness I know
+from the natural history lessons what an embryo is, a little frog; "I
+got in a frightful wax and Father said: Don't you worry, he's still a
+long way from being a man or he would be more polite to his sisters and
+their lady friends." This annoyed him frightfully, and since then he
+never says a word when Ada and Rosa are with us. My birthday is coming
+soon, thank goodness I shall be 12 then, only 2 years more and I shall
+be 14; I am so glad. Hella wrote to me to-day for the second time. In
+August she is going to Hungary to stay with her uncle, he has a great
+estate and she will learn to ride there.
+
+
+
+
+SECOND YEAR, AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN
+
+
+SECOND YEAR
+
+August 1st. It was awfully jolly on my birthday. We drove to Glashutte
+where it is lovely; there we cooked our own dinner in the inn for the
+landlady was ill and so was the cook. On one's birthday everyone
+is always so nice to one. What I like most of all is the Ebeseder
+paint-box, and the book too. But I never have any time to read. Hella
+sent me a lovely picture: Maternal Happiness, a dachshund with two
+puppies, simply sweet. When I go home I shall hang it up near the door
+over the bookcase. Ada gave me a silk purse which she had worked for me
+herself. Aunt Dora gave me a diary, but I can't use it because I prefer
+to write upon loose sheets. Grandfather and Grandmother at B. sent me a
+great piece of marzipan, splendid. Ada thinks it lovely; she didn't know
+marzipan before.
+
+August 9th. When it's not holidays Ada goes to school in St. Polten
+staying there with her aunt and uncle, because the school in H. is
+not so good as the school in St. P. Perhaps next term she is coming to
+Vienna, for she has finished with the middle school and has to go on
+learning. But she has no near relations in Vienna where she could stay.
+She might come to live with us, Dora could have a room to herself as
+she always wants, and Ada and I could share a room. I would much rather
+share a room with her than with Dora who is always making such a fuss.
+
+August 10th. I do really think! A boy can always get what he wants.
+Oswald is really going for a fortnight to Znaim to stay with his chum;
+only Oswald of course. I should like to see what would happen if Dora
+or I wanted to go anywhere. A boy has a fine time. It's the injustice of
+the thing which makes me furious. For we know for certain that he's had
+a _bad_ report, even though he does not tell us anything about it. But
+of course that doesn't matter. They throw every 2 in our teeth and when
+he gets several Satisfactories he can go wherever he likes. His chum
+too; he only got to know Max Rozny this year and he's a chum already.
+Hella and I have been chums since we were in the second in the
+elementary school and Dora and Frieda Ertl since they went to the
+High School. We both gave him a piece of our mind about friendship. He
+laughed scornfully and said: That's all right, the friendships of _men_
+become closer as the years pass, but the friendships of you girls go
+up in smoke as soon as the first admirer turns up. What cheek. Whatever
+happens Hella and I shall stick to one another till we're married, for
+we want to be married on the same day. Naturally she will probably
+get engaged before me but she _must_ wait for me before she's married.
+That's simply her duty as a friend.
+
+August 12th. Oswald went away yesterday and we had another scene just
+before he left because he wanted one of us to go with him to the station
+and help carry his luggage. As if we were his servants. Ada wanted
+to volunteer to carry it, but Dora gave her a nudge and luckily she
+understood directly. Sometimes, but only sometimes, when Dora gets in
+a wax she is rather like Hella. She thinks it's better that Oswald has
+gone away because otherwise there are always rows. That's because she
+always comes off second-best. For really he is cleverer than she is. And
+when he wants to make her really angry he says something to her in Latin
+which she can't understand. I think that's the real reason why she's
+learning Latin. I must say I would not bother myself so about a thing
+like that. I really wouldn't bother.
+
+August 15th. To-day I posted the parcel to Hella, a silver-wire
+watchchain; I made it in four days. I hope she'll get it safely, one can
+never be sure in Hungary.
+
+August 17th. We are so frightfully busy with Japanese lanterns and fir
+garlands. The people who have received birthday honours are illuminating
+and decorating their houses. While we were at work Ada told me a _few
+things_. She knows more than Hella and me, because her father is a
+doctor. He tells her mother a good deal and Ada overhears a lot of
+things though they generally stop talking when she comes in. Ada would
+like awfully to be an actress. I never thought of such a thing though
+I've been to the theatre often.
+
+August 22nd. Hella is awfully pleased with the chain; she is wearing it.
+She is really learning to ride at her cousin's. It's a pity he's called
+Lajos. But Ludwig is not any better. He seems to be awfully nice and
+smart, but it's a pity he's 22 already.
+
+August 25th. Ada is frightfully keen on the theatre. She has often been
+to the theatre in St. Polten and she is in love with an actor with whom
+all the ladies in St. Polten are in love. That is why she wants to be an
+actress and so that she can live _free and unfettered_. That is why she
+would like so much to come to Vienna. I wish she could come and live
+with us. She says she is pining away in H. for it's a dull hole. She
+says she can't stand these _cramping conditions_. In St. Polten she
+spent all her pocket money upon flowers for _him_. She always said that
+she had to buy such a lot of copybooks and things for school. That's
+where she's lucky not to be at home, for I could not easily take in
+Mother like that. It would not work. One always has too little pocket
+money anyhow, and when one lives at home one's parents know just what
+copybooks one has. I should like to go away from home for a few months.
+Ada says it is very good for one, for then one learns to know the world;
+at home, she says, one only grows _musty_ and _fusty_. When she talks
+like that she really looks like an actress and she certainly has talent;
+her German master at school says so too. She can recite long poems and
+the girls are always asking the master to let her recite.
+
+August 30th. To-day Ada recited Geibel's poem, The Death of Tiberius, it
+was splendid; she is a born actress and it's a horrid shame she can't go
+on the stage; she is to teach French or sewing. But she says she's going
+on the stage; I expect she will get her way somehow.
+
+August 31st. Oswald's having a fine long fortnight; he's still there
+and can stay till September 4th!! If it had been Dora or me. There would
+have been a frightful hulabaloo. But Oswald may do _anything_. Ada says:
+We girls must take for ourselves what the world won't give us of its own
+free will.
+
+September 5th. In the forest the other day I promised Ada to ask Mother
+to let her come and stay with us so that she could be trained for the
+stage. I asked Mother to-day, but she said it was quite out of the
+question. Ada's parents simply could not afford it. If she has talent,
+the thing comes of itself and she need only go to a school of Dramatic
+Art so that she could more easily get a good Theatre says Ada. So I
+don't see why it should be so frightfully expensive. I'm awfully sorry
+for Ada.
+
+September 10th. Oh we have all been so excited. I've got to pack up my
+diary because we're going home to-morrow. I must write as quickly as I
+can. There have been some gypsies here for three days, and yesterday one
+of the women came into the garden through the back gate and looked at
+our hands and told our fortunes, mine and Ada's and Dora's. Of course we
+don't believe it, but she told Ada that she would have a great but short
+career after many difficult struggles. That fits in perfectly. But she
+made a frightful mess of it with me: Great happiness awaits me when I am
+_as old again as I am now_; a great passion and great wealth. Of course
+that must mean that I am to marry at 24. At 24! How absurd! Dora says
+that I look much younger than 12 so that she meant 20 or even 18. But
+that's just as silly, for Dr. H., who is a doctor and knows so many
+girls, says I look _older_ than my age. So that it's impossible that
+the old gypsy woman could have thought I was only 10 or even 9. Dora's
+fortune was that in a _few_ years she was to have much trouble and then
+happiness. And she told Ada that her line of life was broken!!
+
+September 14th. Oswald left early this morning, Father kissed him on
+both cheeks and said: For God's sake be a good chap this last year at
+school. He has to matriculate this year, it's frightfully difficult. But
+he says that anyone who has cheek enough can get through all right. He
+says that cheek is often more help than a lot of swoting and grinding.
+I know he's right; but unfortunately at the moment it never occurs to
+me what I ought to do. I often think afterwards, you ought to have said
+this or that. Hella is really wonderful; and Franke too, though she's
+not particularly clever, can always make a smart answer. If only half
+of what Oswald says he says to the professors is true, then I can't
+understand why he is not expelled from every Gym. says Mother. Oswald
+says: If one only puts it in the right way no one can say anything. But
+that doesn't hold always.
+
+September 16th. Hella is coming back to-day. That's why I'm writing in
+the morning, because she's coming here in the afternoon. I'm awfully
+glad. I have begged Mother to buy a lovely cake, one of the kind Hella
+and I are both so fond of.
+
+September 20th. Only a word or two. School began again to-day. Thank
+goodness Frau Doktor M. still takes our class. Frl. Steiner took her
+doctor's degree at the end of the school year. In history we have a new
+Frau Doktor, but we don't know her name yet. The Vischer woman has been
+_married_ in the holidays!!! It's enough to make one split with laughing
+that anyone should marry _her!!!_ Dora says she wouldn't like to be her
+husband; but most likely he will soon get a divorce. Besides, spectacles
+in a woman are awful. I can put up with a pincenez for one does not
+wear them all the time. But spectacles! Dora says too that she can't
+understand how a man can marry a woman with spectacles. Hella often
+says it makes her feel quite sick when Vischer glares at her through her
+spectacles. We have a new natural history professor. I'm awfully glad
+that three of our mistresses have doctors degrees and that we have one
+or really 2 professors, for we have the Religionsprofessor too. In the
+Third they are frightfully annoyed because only one of their mistresses
+has a doctor's degree. Dora has 2 doctors and three professors.
+
+September 25th. All the girls are madly in love with Professor Wilke the
+natural history professor. Hella and I walked behind him to-day all the
+way home. He is a splendid looking man, so tall that his head nearly
+touches the lamp when he stands up quickly, and a splendid fair beard
+like fire when the sun shines on it; a Sun God! we call him S. G., but
+no one knows what it means and who we are talking about.
+
+September 29th. Schmolka has left, I suppose because of Frl. St.'s
+vanity bag. Two other girls have left and three new one's have come, but
+neither I nor Hella like them.
+
+October 1st. It was my turn in Natural History to-day I worked
+frightfully hard and _He_ was splendid. We are to look after the
+pictures and the animals _all through the term_. How jolly. Hella and I
+always wear the same coloured hair ribbons and in the Nat. Hist. lesson
+we always put tissue paper of the same colour on the desk. He wants us
+to keep notebooks, observations on Nature. We have bound ours in lilac
+paper, exactly the same shade as his necktie. On Tuesdays and Fridays we
+have to come to school at half past 8 to get things ready. Oh how happy
+I am.
+
+October 9th. _He_ is a cousin of our gymnastic master, splendid! This
+is how we found it out. We, Hella and I, are always going past the Cafe
+Sick because he always has his afternoon coffee there. And on Thursday
+when we passed by there before the gymnastic lesson there was the
+gymnastic master sitting with him. Of course we bowed to them as we
+passed and in the gymnastic lesson Herr Baar said to us: So you two are
+tormented and pestered by my cousin in natural history? "Pestered" we
+said, o no, it's the most delightful lesson in the whole week. "Is that
+so?" said he, "I won't forget to let him know." Of course we begged and
+prayed him not to give us away, saying it would be awful. But we do hope
+he will.
+
+October 20th. Frau Doktor Steiner's mother is dead. We are so sorry for
+her. Some of us are going to the funeral, I mayn't go, Mother says it
+is not suitable, and Hella is not allowed to go either, I wonder if _He_
+will go? I'm sure he will, for really he _has_ to.
+
+October 23rd. Frau Doktor St. looks frightfully pale. Franke says she
+will certainly get married soon now that both her parents are dead. Her
+fiance often fetches her from the Lyz, I mean he waits for her in L.
+Street. Hella thinks an awful lot of him of course, because he's an
+officer. I don't think much of him myself, he's too short and too fat.
+He's only a very little taller than Frl. St. I think a husband should be
+nearly a head taller than his wife, or at least half a head taller, like
+our Father and Mother.
+
+October 29th. We have such a frightful lot of work to do that we're not
+taking season tickets this winter, but are going to pay each time when
+we go skating. I wish we knew whether _He_ skates, and where. Hella
+thinks that with great caution we might find out from his cousin during
+the gymnastic lesson. They are often together in the Cafe. I should
+like to know what they talk about, they are always laughing such a lot,
+especially when we go by.
+
+October 31st. Ada has written to me. She is _awfully_ unhappy. She is
+back in St. P., in a continuation school. But the actor is not there any
+more. She writes that she yearns to throw off her chains which lie heavy
+on her soul. Poor darling. No one can help her. That is, her Mother
+could help her but she won't. It must be awful. Hella thinks that her
+parents will not allow her to go on the stage until she has tried to do
+herself a mischief; then things may be better. It's quite true, what can
+her mother be thinking of when she knows how fearfully unhappy Ada is.
+After all, why on earth shouldn't she go on the stage when she has so
+much talent? All her mistresses and masters at the middle school praised
+her reciting tremendously and one of them said in so many words that she
+had _great dramatic talent_. Masters don't flatter one; except . . .;
+first of all _He_ is not just an ordinary master but a professor, and
+secondly _He_ is quite, quite different from all others When he strokes
+his beard I become quite hot and cold with extasy. And the way he lifts
+up his coat tails as he sits down. It's lovely, I do want to kiss him.
+Hella and I take turns to put our penholder on his desk so that _he_
+can hallow it with his hand as he writes. Afterwards in the arithmetic
+lesson when I write with it, I keep looking at Hella and she looks back
+at me and we both know what the other is thinking of.
+
+November 15th. It's a holiday to-day so at last I can write once more.
+We have such a frightful lot to do that I simply can't manage to write.
+Besides Mother is often ill. She has been laid up again for the last 4
+days. It's awfully dull and dreary. Of course I had time to write those
+days, but then I didn't want to write. As soon as Mother is well again
+she's going to the Lyz to ask how we are getting on I'm awfully glad
+because of S.G.
+
+November 28th. Mother came to school to-day and saw him too. I took
+her to him and he was heavenly. He said: I am very pleased with your
+daughter; she's very keen and clever. Then he turned over the pages of
+his notebook as if to look at his notes. But really he knows by heart
+how we all work. That is not _all_ of course. That would be impossible
+with so many girls; and he teaches in the science school as well where
+there are even more boys than we are.
+
+December 5th. Skating to-day I saw the Gold Fairy. She is awfully
+pretty, but I really don't think her so lovely as I did last year. Hella
+says she never could think what had happened to my eyes. "You were madly
+in love with her and you never noticed that she has a typical Bohemian
+nose," said Hella. Of course that's not true, but now my taste is _quite
+different_. Still, I said how d'you do to her and she was very
+nice. When she speaks she is really charming, and I do love her gold
+stoppings. Frau Doktor M. has two too and when she laughs its heavenly.
+
+December 8th. I do wish Dora would keep her silly jokes to herself. When
+the Trobisch's were all here to-day they were talking about the school
+and she said: "Gretl has a fresh enthusiasm each year; last year it
+was Frau Doktor Malburg and this year it's Professor Wilke. Frau Doktor
+Malburg has fallen from grace now." If I had wanted to I could have
+begun about the two students on the ice. But I'm not like that so I
+merely looked at her with contempt and gave her a kick under the table.
+And she had the cheek to say: "What's the matter? Oh, of course these
+tender secrets of the heart must not be disclosed. Never mind Gretl,
+it does not matter at your age, for things don't cut deep." But she was
+rightly paid out: Frau von Tr. and Father roared with laughter and Frau
+v. Tr. said: "Why, grandmother, have you been looking at your white hair
+in the glass?" Oh, how I did laugh, and she was so frightfully put out
+that she blushed like fire, and in the evening _she_ said to _me_ that
+I was an ill-mannered pig. That's why I did not tell her that she'd left
+her composition book on the table and to-morrow she has to give it in.
+It's all the same to _me_, for I'm an ill-mannered pig.
+
+December 9th. It's awful. At 2 o'clock this afternoon Hella was taken to
+the Low sanatorium and was operated on at once. Appendicitis. Her mother
+has just telephoned that the operation has been successful. But the
+doctors said that 2 hours later it would have been too late. My knees
+are trembling and my hand shakes as I write. She has not slept off the
+anisthetic yet.
+
+December 10th. Hella is frightfully weak; no one can see her except her
+father and mother, not even Lizzi. On St. Nicholas Day we had such a
+jolly time and ate such a lot of sweets that we almost made ourselves
+sick. But its impossible that she got appendicitis from that. On Monday
+evening, when we were going home after the gym lesson, she said she
+did not feel at all well. The night before last she had a rigor and the
+first thing in the morning the doctor said that she must go to hospital
+at once for an operation.
+
+December 11th. All the girls at school are frightfully excited about
+Hella, and Frau Dr. St. was awfully nice and put off mathematics till
+next Tuesday. On Sunday I am going to see Hella. She does want to see me
+so and so do I want to see her.
+
+December 12th. She is still very weak and doesn't care about anything; I
+got her mother to take some roses and violets from me, she did like them
+so much.
+
+December 14th. This afternoon I was with Hella from two until a quarter
+to 4. She is so pale and when I came in we both cried such a lot. I
+brought her some more flowers and I told her directly that when he sees
+me Prof. W. always asks after her. So do the other members of the staff
+especially Frau Doktor M. The girls want to visit her but her mother
+won't let them. When anyone is lying in bed they look quite different,
+like strangers. I said so to Hella, and she said: We can never be
+strangers to one another, not even in death. Then I burst out crying
+again and both our mothers said I must go away because it was too
+exciting for Hella.
+
+December 15th. I was with Hella again to-day. She passed me a little
+note asking me to get from her locker the parcel with the blotting-book
+for her father and the key basket for her mother and bring it to her
+because the things are not ready yet for Christmas.
+
+December 16th. Hella's better to-day. I've got to paint the
+blotting-book for her father. Thank goodness I can. She'll be able to
+finish the key basket herself, that's nothing.
+
+December 18th. The Bruckners are all frightfully unhappy for it won't
+be a real Christmas if Hella has to stay in hospital over Christmas.
+But perhaps she will for since yesterday she has not been so well, the
+doctors can't make out why she suddenly had fever once more. For she
+didn't let on that I had brought her some burnt almonds because she's
+so awfully fond of them. But now I'm so terribly frightened that she'll
+have to have another operation.
+
+December 19th. Directly after school I went to see Hella again for I
+had been so anxious I could not sleep all night. Thank goodness she's
+better. One of the doctors said that if she'd been in a private house
+he would have felt sure it was an error in diet, but since she was in
+hospital that could be excluded. So it was from the burnt almonds and
+the two sticks of marzipan. Hella thinks it was the marzipan, for
+they were large ones at 20 hellers each because nuts lie heavy on
+the stomach. She had a pain already while I was still there, but she
+wouldn't say anything about it because it was her fault that I'd brought
+her the sweets. She can beg as much as she likes now, I shan't bring her
+anything but flowers, and they can't make her ill. Of course it would be
+different if it were true about the "Vengeance of Flowers." But that's
+all nonsense, and besides I don't bring any strong-scented flowers.
+
+December 20th. I am so glad, to-morrow or Tuesday Hella can come home,
+in time for the Christmas tree. Now I know what to give her, a long
+chair, Father will let me, for I have not enough money myself but Father
+will give me as much as I want. Oh there's no one like Father! To-morrow
+he's going to take me to the Wahringerstrasse to buy one.
+
+December 21st. I was only a very short time with Hella to-day because
+Father came to fetch me soon. At first she was a little hurt, but then
+she saw that we had important business so she said: All right as long as
+it is not anything made of marzipan. That nearly gave us both away. For
+when we were in the street Father asked me: Why did Hella say that about
+marzipan? So I said quickly: Since she's been ill she has a perfect
+loathing for sweets. Thank goodness Father didn't notice anything. But
+I do hate having to tell fibs to Father. First of all I always feel that
+he'll see through it, and secondly anyhow I don't like telling fibs to
+him. The couch is lovely, a Turkish pattern with long tassels on the
+round bolster. Father wanted to pay for it altogether, but I said: No,
+then it would not be my present, and so I paid five crowns and Father
+37. To-morrow early it will be sent to the Bruckners.
+
+December 22nd. Hella is going home to-morrow. She has already been up
+a little, but she is still so weak that she has to lean on someone when
+she walks. She is awfully glad she is going home, for she says in a
+hospital one always feels as if one was going to die. She's quite
+right. The first time I went to see her I nearly burst out crying on the
+stairs. And afterwards we both really did cry frightfully. Her mother
+knows about the couch, but it has not been sent yet. I do hope they
+won't forget about it at the shop.
+
+December 23rd. Hella went home to-day. Her father carried her upstairs
+while I held her hand. The two tenants in the mezzanin came out to
+congratulate her and the old privy councillor on the second story and
+his wife sent down a great pot of lilac. She was so tired that I came
+away at 5 o'clock so that she could rest. To-morrow I'm going to their
+Christmas tree first and then to ours. Because of Hella the Br's are
+going to have the present giving at 5 o'clock, we shall have ours as
+usual at 7.
+
+December 26th. Yesterday and the day before I simply could not write
+a word. It was lovely here and at Hella's. I shan't write down all the
+things I got, because I've no time, and besides I know anyhow. Hella was
+awfully pleased with the couch, her father carried her into the room and
+laid her on the sofa. Her mother cried. It was touching. It's certainly
+awfully nice to have got through a bad illness, when everyone takes care
+of one, and when no one denies you the first place. I don't grudge it
+to Hella. She's such a darling. Yesterday I was there all day, and after
+dinner, when she had to go to sleep, she said: Open the drawer of my
+writing-table, the lowest one on the right, and you'll find my diary
+there if you want to read it. I shall never forget it! It's true that we
+agreed we would let one another read our diaries, but we've never done
+it yet; after all we're a little shy of one another, and besides after
+a long time one can't remember exactly what one has written. What she
+writes is always quite short, never more than half a page, but what she
+writes is always important. Of course she couldn't sleep but instead
+I had to read her a lot of things out of her diary, especially the
+holidays when she was in Hungary. She was made much of there. By two
+cadets and her two cousins. We laughed so madly over some things that it
+hurt Hella's wound and I had to stop reading.
+
+December 29th. We were put in such a frightful rage yesterday. This is
+how it happened. It is a long time since we both gave up playing with
+dolls and things of that sort but when I was rummaging in Hella's box I
+came across the dolls' things; they were quite at the bottom where Hella
+never looked at them. I took out the little Paris model and she said:
+Give it here and bring all the things that belong to it. I arranged them
+all on her bed and we were trying all sorts of things. Then Mother and
+Dora came. When they came in Dora gave such a spiteful look and said:
+Ah, at their favourite occupation: look, Lizzi, their cheeks are quite
+red with excitement over their play. Wasn't it impertinent. We playing
+with dolls! Even if we had been, what business was it of hers to make
+fun of us? Hella was in a frightful rage and to-day she said: "One is
+never safe from spies; please put all those things away in the box
+so that I shan't see them any more." It really is too stupid that
+one should always be reproached about dolls as if it was something
+disgraceful. After all, one doesn't really understand until later how
+all the things are made; when one is 7 or 8 or still more when one is
+quite a little girl and one first gets dolls, one does not understand
+whether they are pretty and nicely dressed or not. Still, to-day we've
+done with dolls for ever. A good day to turn over a new leaf, for the
+day after to-morrow is New Year's Day.
+
+But what annoys me most of all was this piece of cheek of Dora's; she
+says that Lizzi said: "We used to delight in those things at one time,"
+but I was in such a rage that I did not hear it. But to eat all the best
+things off the Christmas tree on the sly!!! I saw it myself, _that_ is
+nothing. _That's_ quite fit and proper for a girl of 15. After supper
+yesterday I asked: But what's become of the second marzipan sandwich,
+I'm sure there were two on the tree. And I looked at her steadily till
+she got quite red. And after a time I said: the big basket of vegetables
+is gone too. Then she said. Yes, I took it, I don't need to ask your
+permission. As for the sandwich, Oswald took that. I was in such a
+temper, and then Father said: Come, come, you little witch, cool your
+wrath with the second sandwich and wash it down with a sip of liqueur.
+For Grandfather sent Father a bottle of liqueur.
+
+December 30th. This is a fine ending to the year. I've no interest in
+the school any longer. We're silly little fools, love-sick and forward
+minxes. That's all the thanks we get for having gone every Tuesday
+and Friday to the school at half past 8 to arrange everything and dust
+everything and then he can say a thing like that. I shall never write
+_he_ with a big h again; he is not worthy of it. And I had to swallow
+it all, choke it down, for I simply must not excite Hella. It made me
+frightfully angry when Mother told me, but still I'm glad for I know
+what line to take now. Mother was paying a call yesterday and the sister
+of our gymnastic master, who is at the ---- High School, happened to
+be there, and she told Mother that her cousin Dr. W. is so much annoyed
+because the girls in the high school are so forward. Such silly little
+fools, and the little minxes begin it already in the First Class. _For
+that reason he prefers to teach_ boys, they are fond of him too but they
+don't make themselves such an _infernal nuisance_. Well, now that I know
+_I_ shant make myself a nuisance to him any more. On Friday, when the
+next lesson is, I shall go there 2 minutes before nine and take the
+things into the class-room without saying a word. And I shall tell
+Kalinsky too that we're such an _infernal nuisance_ to him. Just fancy,
+as if _we_ were in the First Class!
+
+January 1st, 19--. This business with Prof. W. makes me perfectly
+furious. Hella kept on asking yesterday what was the matter, said I
+seemed different somehow. But thank goodness I was able to keep it in.
+I must keep it in for the sake of her health, even if it makes me ill.
+Anyway what use is life now. Since people are so falsehearted. He always
+looked so awfully nice and charming; when I think of the way in which
+he asked how Hella was and all the time he was so false!!! If Hella only
+knew. Aha, to-morrow!
+
+January 2nd. I treated him _abominably_. Knocked at the
+door--Good-morning, Herr Prof. please what do we want for the lesson
+to-day? He very civilly: Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort of
+a Christmas did you have--I: Thank you, much as usual.--He turned round
+and stared at me: It does not seem to have been; to judge from your
+manner. --I: There are quite other reasons for that. He: O-o-h? He may
+well say O-o-h! For he has not the least idea that I know the way in
+which he speaks of us.
+
+January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for her first drive. She's
+much better now and will come back to school by the middle of the month.
+I _must_ tell her before that or she'll get a shock. Yesterday she
+asked: Does not S. C. ask about me any more?--Oh yes, I fibbed, but not
+so often as before. And she said: That's the way it goes, out of sight
+out of mind. What will happen when she learns the truth. Anyhow I shan't
+tell her until she's quite strong.
+
+January 10th. I've had to tell Hella already. She was talking so
+enthusiastically about S. G. At first I said nothing. And then she said:
+What are you making such a face for? Are not you allowed to arrange the
+things any more?--I: _Allowed_? Of course I'm _allowed_, but I don't
+_want_ to any more. I did not tell Hella _how_ bad I feel about it; for
+I really _was_ madly in love with him.
+
+January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love with him too or rather
+must be in love with him still. On Sunday evening she was so much upset
+that her mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She had pains
+and diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness she's got over it like
+me. She said to-day: Don't let's bother ourselves about it any more. We
+wasted our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At such moments
+she is magnificent, especially now when she is still so pale. Besides in
+the holidays and now since she has been ill she has grown tremendously.
+Before I was a little taller and now she is a quarter head taller than
+me. Dora is frightfully annoyed because I am nearly as tall as she is.
+Thank goodness it makes me look older than 12 1/2.
+
+Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for her mother is going
+to take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 weeks.
+
+January 18th. It's horridly dull with Hella away. Only now do I realise,
+since her illness. I am always feeling as if she had fallen ill again.
+Her mother has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in the beginning
+of February.
+
+January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is really since, she went
+away, I spend most of my time with Fritzi Hubner. She's awfully nice,
+though I did not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and I sit
+together. For it's horrid to sit alone on a bench Fritzi knows a good
+deal already. She would not talk about it at first because it so often
+leads to trouble. Her brother has told her everything. He's rather a
+swell and is called Paul.
+
+January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and Dora and I were allowed
+to go. I skated with Fritzi and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes,
+one of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a race with 5 other
+girls. Paul is awfully clever, he says he's going into the army, the
+flying corps. That's even more select than being on the general staff.
+Her father is a major and he, I mean Paul, ought to have gone to the
+military academy, but his grandfather would not allow it. He is to
+choose for himself. But of course he will become an officer. Most boys
+want to be what their father is. But Oswald is perhaps going into the
+Navy. I wish I knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: Good
+God, I'm not doing it on my own account. I'm only doing it because of
+Oswald. The two girls won't get much out of it.
+
+February 3rd. I've just been reading what I wrote about Father. I am
+wondering what it can be. I think that Father either wants to win the
+great prize in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. But Dora
+and I would get something out of that, for it would not belong to Oswald
+only.
+
+February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. But she said she didn't
+know; if it was anything which concerned us, Father would tell us.
+But it must be something, or Mother would not have told Father in the
+evening that I had asked. I can't endure these secrets. Why shouldn't
+we know that Father's going to buy a house. Fritzi's grandfather has a
+house in Brunn and another in Iglau. But Fritzi is very simply dressed
+and her mother too.
+
+February 9th. Thank goodness Hella is coming back to-morrow, just before
+her birthday. Luckily she can eat everything again so I am giving her a
+huge bag of Viktor Schmid's sweets with a silver sugar tongs. Mother and
+I are going to meet Hella at the station. They are coming by the 8.20.
+
+February 10th. I am so glad Hella is coming to-day. I nearly could not
+meet her because Mother is not very well to-day. But Father's going to
+take me. Fritzi wanted to come and see Hella to-morrow afternoon, but
+she can't. She's an awfully nice girl and her brother is too, but on the
+first day Hella is back we must be alone together. She said so too in
+the last letter she wrote me. She's been away more than 3 weeks. It's a
+frightfully long time when you are fond of one another.
+
+February 15th. I simply can't write my diary because Hella and I spend
+all our free time together. Yesterday we got our reports. Of course
+Hella has not got one. Except in Geography and History I have nothing
+but Ones, even in Natural History although since New Year I have not
+done any work in that subject. I detest Natural History. When Hella
+comes back to school we are going to ask the _sometime_ S. G. to relieve
+us from the labours of looking after the things. Hella is still too
+weak to do it. Hella is 13 already and Father says she is going to
+be wonderfully pretty. _Going to be_, Father says; but she's lovely
+already. She's been burned as brown as a berry by the warm southern sun,
+and it really suits _her_, though only her. I can't stand other people
+when they are sun-burned. But really everything suits Hella; when she
+was so pale in hospital, she was lovely; and now she is just as lovely,
+only in quite a different way. Oswald is quite right when he says:
+You can measure a girl's beauty by the degree in which she bears being
+sunburned without losing her good looks. He really used to say that in
+the holidays simply to annoy Dora and me, but he's quite right all the
+same.
+
+February 20th. The second half-year began yesterday. They were all
+awfully nice to Hella, and Frau Doktor M. stroked her cheeks and put her
+arm round her so affectionately. Now for the chief thing. Today was the
+Natural History lesson. We knocked at the door and when we went in Prof.
+W. said: Ah I'm glad to see you Bruckner; take care that you don't give
+us all another fright. How are you? Hella said: "Quite well, thank you,
+Herr Prof." And as I looked at her she put on a frightfully serious
+face and he said: It seems to me that you've caught your friend's ill
+humour.--Hella: "Herr Prof., you are really too kind, but we don't want
+to trouble you. What things have we to take to the class-room? And then
+we beg leave to resign our posts, for I don't feel strong enough for the
+work." She said this in quite a soldierly way, the way she is used to
+hear her father speak. It sounded most distinguished. He looked at us
+and said: "All right, two of the other pupils will take it over." We
+don't know whether he really noticed nothing or simply did not wish
+to show that he had noticed. But as we shut the door I felt so awfully
+sorry; for it was the last time, the very last time.
+
+February 27th. In Natural History to-day I got _Unsatisfactory_. I
+was not being questioned, but when Klaiber could not answer anything I
+laughed, and he said: Very well, Lainer, you correct her mistake. But
+since I had been thinking of something quite different I did not know
+what it was all about, and so I got an Unsatisfactory. _Before_ of
+course that would not have mattered; but now since . . . Hella and
+Franke did all they could to console me and said: "That does not matter,
+it wasn't an examination; he'll _have_ to examine you properly later."
+Anyhow Franke thinks that however hard I learn, I shall be well off if
+he gives me a Satisfactory. She says no professor can forget _such a
+defeat_. For we told her about the silly little fools. She said, indeed,
+that we had made it too obvious. That's not really true. But now she
+takes our side, for she sees that we were in the right. Verbenowitsch
+and Bennari bring in the things now. They are much better suited for it.
+Hella's father did not like her doing it anyhow; he says: The porter
+or the maidservant are there for that--we never see them all the year
+round, that's a fine thing.
+
+March 8th. Easter does not come this year until April 16th. I am going
+with the Bruckners to Cilli, outside the town there they have a vineyard
+with a country house. Hella needs a change. I am awfully glad. All the
+flowers begin to come out there at the end of March or beginning of
+April.
+
+March 12th. Hella is not straightforward. We met a gentleman to-day,
+very fashionably dressed with gold-rimmed eyeglasses and a fair
+moustache. Hella blushed furiously, and the gentleman took off his hat
+and said: Ah, Fraulein Helenchen, you are looking very well. How are
+you? He never looked at me, and when he had gone she said: "That was Dr.
+Fekete, who assisted at my operation."--"And you tell me _that_ now for
+the first time?" Then she put on an innocent air and said: "Of course,
+we've never met him before," but I said: "I don't mean _that_. If you
+knew how red you got you would not tell me a lie." Then she said: "What
+am I telling you a lie about? Do you think I'm in love with him? Not in
+the very least."--But when one is _not_ in love one does not blush like
+that. Anyhow I shan't tell everything now either; I can hold my tongue
+too.
+
+March 14th. Yesterday we did not talk to one another so much as usual; I
+especially was very silent. When the bell rang at 5 and I had just been
+doing the translation Hella came and begged my pardon and brought me
+some lovely violets, so of course I forgave her. This is really the
+first time we've ever quarrelled. First she wanted to bring me some
+sweets, but then she decided upon violets, and I think that was much
+more graceful. One gives sweets to a little child when it has hurt
+itself or been in a temper. But flowers are not for a child.
+
+March 19th. Frieda Belay is dead. We are all terribly upset. None of us
+were very intimate with her, but now that she is dead we all remember
+that she was a schoolfellow. She died of heart failure following
+rheumatic fever. We all attended her funeral, except Hella who was not
+allowed to come. Her mother cried like anything and her grandmother
+still more; her father cried too. We sent a wreath of white roses with
+a lovely inscription: Death has snatched you away in the flower of your
+youth--Your Schoolfellows.
+
+I have no pleasure in anything to-day. I did not see Frieda Belay after
+she was dead, but Franke was there yesterday and saw her in her coffin.
+She says she will never forget it, it gave her such a pang. In the
+church Lampl had a fit of hysterics, for her mother was buried only a
+month ago and now she was reminded of it all and was frightfully upset.
+I cried a lot too when I was with Hella. She fancied it was because I
+was thinking she might have died last Dec. But that wasn't it, I don't
+think about that sort of thing. But when anyone dies it is so awfully
+sad.
+
+March 24th. I never heard of such a thing. I can't go to Cilli with
+Hella. Her mother was at her cousin's, and when she heard that she was
+going to Cilli at Easter she asked her to take Melanie with her. That
+is, she didn't ask straight out, but kept on hinting until Hella's
+mother said: Let Melanie come with us, it will help to set her up after
+her illness. In the winter she had congestion of the lung. Hella and
+I can't bear her because she's always spying on us and is so utterly
+false. So of course I can't go. Hella says too she's frightfully sorry,
+but when _she_ is about we could never say a word about anything, it
+would drive us crazy. She quite agrees that I had better not come. But
+oh I'm so annoyed for first of all I do so like going away with Hella
+and secondly I should like to go away in the holidays anyhow for nearly
+all the girls in our class are going away. Still, there's nothing to be
+done. Hella's mother says she can't see why we can't all 3 go though
+it simply would not work. But we can't explain it to her. Hella is so
+poetical and she says "A beautiful dream vanished."
+
+In Hella's mouth such fine words sound magnificent, but when Dora uses
+such expressions they annoy me frightfully because they don't come from
+her heart.
+
+March 26th. The school performances finish today with Waves of the Sea
+and Waves of Love. I'm awfully fond of the theatre, but I never write
+anything about that. For anyhow the play is written by a poet and one
+can read it if one wants to, and one just sees the rest anyhow. I can't
+make out what Dora finds such a lot to scribble about always the day
+after we've been to the theatre. I expect she's in love with one of the
+actors and that's why she writes such a lot. Besides we in the second
+class did not get tickets for all the performances, but only the girls
+from the Fourth upwards. Still, it did not matter much to me anyhow for
+we often go in the evening and on Sunday afternoons. But unfortunately I
+mayn't go in the evening as a rule.
+
+March 29th. To-day something horrible happened to Dora and me. I simply
+can't write it down. She was awfully nice and said: Two years ago on the
+Metropolitan Railway the same thing had happened when she was travelling
+with Mother on February 15th, she can never forget the date, to Hietzing
+to see Frau v. Martini. Besides her and Mother there was only one
+gentleman in the carriage, Mother always travels second class. She and
+Mother were sitting together and the gentleman was standing farther down
+the carriage where Mother could not see him but Dora could. And as Dora
+was looking he opened his cloak and -- -- --! just what the man did
+to-day at the house door. And when they got out of the train Dora's boa
+got stuck in the door and she had to turn round though she did not want
+to, and then she saw again -- -- --! She simply could not sleep for a
+whole month afterwards. I remember that time when she could not sleep
+but I did not know why it was. She never told anyone except Erika and
+the same thing happened to her once. Dora says that happens at least
+once to nearly every girl; and that such men are "_abnormal_." I don't
+really know what that means, but I did not like to ask. Perhaps Hella
+will know. Of course I did not really look, but Dora shivered and said:
+"And _that_ is what one has to endure." And then, when we were talking it
+over she said to me that _that_ was why Mother was ill and because she
+has had five children; Then I was very silly and said: "But how from
+_that_? one does not get children from that?" "Of course," she said,
+"I thought you knew that already. That time there was such a row with
+Mali about the waistband, I thought you and Hella had heard all about
+everything." Then I was silly again, really frightfully stupid; for
+instead of telling her what I really knew I said: "Oh, yes, I knew all
+about it except just that." Then she burst out laughing and said: "After
+all, what you and Hella know doesn't amount to much." And in the end she
+told me a _little_. If it's really as Dora says, then she is right when
+she says it is better not to marry. One can fall in love, one must fall
+in love, but one can just break off the engagement. Well, that's the
+best way out of the difficulty for then no one can say that you've never
+had a man in love with you. We walked up and down in front of the school
+for such a long time that we were very nearly late and only got in just
+as the bell rang. On the way home I told Hella the awful thing we'd seen
+the man do. She does not know either what "abnormal" really means _as
+far as this is concerned_. But now we shall use it as an expression for
+something horrible. Of course no one will understand us. And then Hella
+told me about a drunken man who in Nagy K. . . . was walking through the
+streets _like that_ and was arrested. She says _too_ that one can never
+forget seeing anything like _that_. Perhaps the man this morning was
+drunk too. But he didn't look as if he were drunk. And if he hadn't done
+_that_ one would really have taken him for a fine gentleman. Hella knows
+too that it is from _that_ that one gets children. She explained it
+all to me and now I can quite understand that _that_ must make one ill.
+Yesterday it was after 11 at night and so I'm finishing to-day. Hella
+says: _That_ is the original sin, and _that_ is the sin which Adam
+and Eve committed. Before I had always believed the original sin was
+something quite different. But that--that. Since yesterday I've been so
+upset I always seem to be seeing _that_; really I did not look at all,
+but I must have seen it all the same.
+
+March 30th. I don't know why, but in the history lesson to-day it all
+came into my head once more what Dora had said of Father. But I really
+can't believe it. Because of Father I'm really sorry that I know it.
+Perhaps it does not all happen the way Dora and Hella say. Generally I
+can trust Hella, but of course she may be mistaken.
+
+April 1st. To-day Dora told me a lot more. She is quite different now
+from what she used to be. One does not say P[eriod], but M[enstruation].
+Only common people say P--. Or one can say one's _like that_. Dora
+has had M-- since August before last, and it is horribly disagreeable,
+because men always know. That is why at the High School we have only
+three men professors and all the other teachers are women. Now Dora
+often does not have M-- and then sometimes it's awfully bad, and that's
+why she's anemic. That men always know, that's frightfully interesting.
+
+April 4th. We talk a lot about such things now. Dora certainly knows
+more than I do, that is not more but better. But she isn't quite
+straightforward all the same. When I asked her how she got to know about
+it all, whether Erika told her or Frieda, she said: "Oh, I don't know;
+one finds it all out somehow; one need only use one's eyes and one's
+ears, and then one can reason things out a little." But seeing and
+hearing don't take one very far. I've always kept my eyes open and I'm
+not so stupid as all that. One must be told by some one, one _can't_
+just happen upon it by oneself.
+
+April 6th. I don't care about paying visits now. We used always to like
+going to see the Richters, but to-day I found it dull. Now I know why
+Dora hates going second class on the Metropolitan. I always thought it
+was only to spite me because I like travelling second. She never likes
+going second since _that_ happened. It seems one is often unjust to
+people who never meant what one thought. But why did she not tell me the
+truth? She says because I was still a child then. That's all right, but
+what about this winter when I was cross because we went Third class to
+Schonbrunn; I really believed she did it to annoy me, for I could not
+believe she was afraid that in the second class, where one is often
+alone, somebody would suddenly attack her with a knife. But now I
+understand quite well, for of course she could not tell Mother the truth
+and Father still less. And in winter and spring there are really often
+no passengers to speak of on the Metropolitan, especially on the Outer
+Circle.
+
+April 7th. Mother said to-day that at the Richters yesterday we,
+especially I, had been frightfully dull and stupid. Why had we kept on
+exchanging glances? We had been most unmannerly. If she had only known
+what we were thinking of when Frau Richter said, the weather to-day is
+_certainly quite abnormal_; we have not had such _abnormal_ heat for
+years. And then when Herr Richter came home and spoke about his brother
+who had spent the whole winter at Hochschneeberg and said: Oh, my
+brother is a little _abnormal_, I think he's got a tile loose in the
+upper storey, I really thought I should burst. Luckily Frau R. helped
+us once more to a tremendous lot of cake and I was able to lean well
+forward over my plate. And Mother said that I ate like a little glutton
+and just as if I never had any cake at home. So Mother was _very_ unjust
+to me, for the cake had nothing at all to do with it. Dora says too that
+I must learn to control myself better, that if I only watch her I'll
+soon learn. That's all very well, but why should one have to bother? If
+people did not use words that really mean something quite different then
+other people would not have to control themselves. Still, I must learn
+to do it somehow.
+
+April 8th. We were terribly alarmed to-day; quite early, at half past 8,
+they telephoned from the school that Dora had suddenly been taken ill
+in the Latin lesson and must be fetched in a carriage. Mother drove down
+directly in a taxi and I went with her because anyhow my lessons began
+at 9 and we found Dora on the sofa in the office with the head sitting
+by her and the head's friend, Frau Doktor Preisky, who is a medical
+doctor, and they had loosened her dress and put a cold compress on her
+head for she had suddenly fainted in the Latin lesson. That's the third
+time this year, so she must really have anemia. I wanted to drive home
+with her, but Mother and Frau Dr. P. said I'd better just go to my
+lessons. And as I went out I heard Frau Dr. P. say: "That's a fine
+healthy girl, a jolly little fellow." Really one should only use that
+word of boys and men, but I suppose she has got into the way of using it
+through being with men so much. If one studies medicine one has to learn
+all about _that_ and to look at everything. It must be really horrid.
+
+Dora is kept in bed to-day and our Doctor says too that she's anemic.
+To-morrow or the day after Mother is going to take her to see a
+specialist. Dora says it's a lovely feeling to faint. Suddenly one can't
+hear what people are saying and one feels quite weak and then one does
+not know anything more. I wonder if I shall ever faint? Very likely when
+-- -- -- We talked a lot about everything we are interested in. In the
+afternoon Hella came to ask after Dora, and she thinks she looks
+awfully pretty in bed, an interesting invalid and at the same time so
+distinguished looking. It's quite true, we all look distinguished.
+
+April 9th. To-day is Father and Mother's _wedding day_. Now I know
+_what_ that really means. Dora says it can't really be true that it is
+the most lovely day in one's life, as everyone says it is, especially
+the poets. She thinks that one must feel frightfully embarrassed because
+after all everyone knows. . . . That's quite true, but after all one
+need not tell anyone which one's wedding day is. Dora says she will
+never tell her children which her wedding day is. But it would be a
+great pity if parents always did that for then in every family there
+would be one anniversary the less. And the more anniversaries there are,
+the jollier it is.
+
+April 10th. To-morrow I'm going with Father to Salzburg. Dora can't
+come, for they think she might faint in the train. I'm rather glad
+really, though I've nothing against her and I'm sorry for her, but it's
+much nicer to go with Father alone. It's a long time since I was in
+Salzburg. I'm so awfully glad to go. Our spring coats and skirts are so
+pretty, dark green with a silk lining striped green and gold-brown, and
+light brown straw hats with daisies for the spring and later we
+shall have cherries or roses. I'm taking my diary so that I can write
+everything which _interests_ me.
+
+April 12th. I slept all the way in the train. Father says I ground my
+teeth frightfully and was very restless: but I did not know anything
+about it. We had a compartment by ourselves, except just at first when
+there was a gentleman there. Hella did not come with us, because her
+aunt, who has just been married, is coming to visit them. Really I'm
+quite glad, for I like so much being with Father quite alone. This
+afternoon we were in Hellbrunn and at the Rock Theatre. It is wonderful.
+
+April 13th. Father always calls me: Little Witch! But I don't much like
+it when other people are there. To-day we went up the Gaisberg. The
+weather was lovely and the view magnificent. When I see so extensive a
+view it always makes me feel sad. Because there are so many people one
+does not know who perhaps are very nice. I should like to be always
+travelling. It would be splendid.
+
+April 14th. I nearly got lost to-day. Father was writing a letter to
+Mother and he let me go to see the salt works; I don't know how it
+happened, but suddenly I found myself a long way from anywhere, in a
+place I did not know. Then an old gentleman asked me what I was looking
+for; because I had walked past the same place 3 times and I said we were
+staying in the "Zur Post Hotel" and I did not know how to find my way
+back. So he came with me to show me and as we were talking it came out
+that he had known Father at the university. So he came in with me and
+Father was awfully glad to see him. He is a barrister in Salzburg but he
+has a grey beard already. As he was going away he said in an undertone
+to Father: "I congratulate you old chap on your daughter; she'll be
+something quite out of the ordinary!" He whispered it really, but
+I heard all the same. We spent all the afternoon with him at the
+Kapuzinerberg. There was a splendid military band; two young officers
+in the Yagers who were sitting at the next table to ours kept on looking
+our way; one was particularly handsome. My new summer coat and skirt is
+awfully becoming everyone says. Father says too: "I say, you'll soon be
+a young lady! But don't grow up too quickly!" I can't make out why he
+said that; I should like to be quite grown up; but it will be a long
+time yet.
+
+April 14th. It's been raining all day. How horrid. One can't go
+anywhere. All the morning we were walking about the town and saw several
+churches. Then we were at the pastrycook's, where I ate 4 chocolate
+eclairs and 2 tartlets. So I had no appetite for dinner.
+
+April 15th. Just as I was writing yesterday Dr. Gratzl sent up the hotel
+clerk to ask us to dinner. We went, they live in the Hellbrunnerstrasse.
+He has 4 daughters and 2 sons and the mother died three years ago. One
+of the sons is a student in Graz and the other is a lieutenant in the
+army; he is engaged to be married. The daughters are quite old already;
+one of them is 27 and is engaged. I think that is horrid. The youngest
+(!!!) is 24. It is so funny to say "the youngest" and then she is 24.
+Father says she is very pretty and will certainly get married At 24!!
+when she's not even engaged yet; I don't believe she will. They have a
+large garden, 3 dogs and 2 cats, which get on very well together. There
+are steps leading up and down from room to room, it is lovely, and all
+the windows are bow-windows. Everything is so old-fashioned, even
+the furniture I do think it's all so pretty. The hall is round like a
+church. After tea we had candied fruits, stewed fruit, and pastries. I
+had a huge go of stewed fruit. They have a gramaphone and then Leni and
+I played the piano. Just as we were going away Fritz, the student, came
+in; he got quite red and in the hall Dr. Gratzl said to me: "You've made
+a conquest to-day." I don't really believe I have, but I do like hearing
+it said. I'm sorry to say we are going away to-morrow, for we are going
+to stay 2 days in Linz with Uncle Theodor whom I don't know.
+
+April 17th. Uncle Theodor is 60 already and Aunt Lina is old too. Still,
+they are both awfully nice. I did not know them before. We are staying
+with them. In the evening their son and his wife came. They are my
+cousins, and they brought their little girl with them; I am really a
+sort of aunt of hers. It's awfully funny to be an aunt when one is only
+12 and 3/4 and when one's niece is 9. To-day we went walking along the
+Danube. It only rained very gently and not all the time.
+
+April 18th. We are going home to-day. Of course we have sent a lot of
+picture postcards to Mother and Dora and Hella; we sent one to Oswald
+too. He came home for Easter. I don't know whether he will still be
+there to-morrow.
+
+April 22nd. We've begun school again. Dora and I generally walk to
+school together since she does not go to the Latin lesson now because
+it was too great a strain for her. The specialist Mother took her to see
+wanted her to give up studying altogether, but she absolutely refuses to
+do that. But I'm very furious with her; she's learning Latin in secret.
+When I came into the room the day before yesterday she was writing
+out words and she shut her book quickly instead of saying openly and
+honestly: Rita, don't tell Father and Mother that I'm still studying
+in the evening: "I trust your word." She could trust me perfectly well.
+There are plenty of things I could tell if I liked! Perhaps she fancies
+that I don't see that the tall fair man always follows us to school in
+the morning. Hella has noticed him too, besides he is frightfully bald
+and must be at least 30. And I'm certain she would not talk as much as
+she does to Hella and me if it were not that she wants to talk about
+_that_. But this deceitfulness annoys me frightfully. Otherwise we are
+now quite intimate with one another.
+
+April 24th. We went to confession and communion to-day. I do hate
+confession; though it's never happened to me what many girls have told
+me, even girls in the Fifth. No priest has ever asked me about the 6th
+commandment; all they've asked is: In thought, word, or deed? Still, I
+do hate going to confession, and so does Dora. It's much nicer for Hella
+as a Protestant for they have no confession. And at communion I'm always
+terrified that the host might drop out of my mouth. That would be awful.
+I expect one would be immediately excommunicated as a heretic. Dora was
+not allowed to come to confession and com., Father would not let her.
+She must not go out without her breakfast.
+
+April 26th. In the Third there really is a girl who dropped the host out
+of her mouth. There was a frightful row about it. She said it was not
+her fault the priest's hand shook so. It's quite true, he was very old,
+and that is why I'm always afraid it will happen to me. It's much better
+when the priest is young, because then that can never happen. Father
+says that the girl won't be excommunicated for this, and luckily one of
+her uncles is a distinguished prelate. He is her guardian too. That will
+help her out.
+
+April 27th. To-day we got to know this girl in the interval. She is
+awfully nice and she says she really did not do it on purpose for she is
+frightfully pious and perhaps she's going to be a nun. I am pious too,
+we go to church nearly every Sunday, but I would not go into a convent,
+not I. Dora says people generally do that when they've been crossed
+in love, because then the world seems empty and hateful. She looked so
+frightfully sentimental that I said: Seems to me you've a fancy that way
+yourself? Then she said: "No, thank goodness, I've no reason for that."
+Of course what she meant was that she was not crossed in love but the
+other way. No doubt the tall man in the mornings. I looked hard at her
+for a long time and said: "I congratulate you on your good fortune. But
+Hella and I wish he was not bald," then she said with an astonished air:
+"Bald? What are you talking about, he has the lofty brow of a thinker."
+
+27th. To-day Mademoiselle came for the first time. I have forgotten to
+say that Dora has to go out every day for two hours to sit and walk in
+the sunshine. Since Mother is not very well and can't walk much, we've
+engaged the Mad. Father says that when I have time I must go too "as
+a precautionary measure." I don't like the idea at all, it's much too
+dull; besides I have simply no time. Mad. is coming 3 times a week,
+Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Mondays, Thursdays, and
+Saturdays I have my music lesson, so I can't go; so Finis and
+Jubilation! That's what Oswald always says at the end of the year and
+at the end of term. Still, she's very pretty, has fair curly hair, huge
+grey eyes with black lashes and eyebrows, but she speaks so fast that I
+can't understand all she says. On the other 3 days an Englishwoman is
+to come, but we have not got one yet, they are all so expensive. It does
+seem funny to me to get a salary for going out with _grown up girls_,
+that's only an amusement. With regular tomboys, such as we saw last year
+in Rathaus Park, it would be different. As for the French or English
+conversation! If they did not want to talk what would it matter? And
+besides why should one want to talk either French or English, it's so
+stupid.
+
+April 28th. The Richters were here to-day, and the eldest son came too,
+the lieutenant from Lemberg; he is awfully handsome and made hot love
+to Dora; Walter is very nice too, he is at the School of Forestry
+in Modling; to-morrow the lieutenant is going to bring Dora one of
+Tolstoi's books to read. Then they will do some music together, she
+piano and he violin; it's a pity I can't play as well as Dora yet. At
+Whitsuntide Walter is coming too and Viktor (that means conqueror) is
+on furlough for 6 months, because he's ill, or because he is said to be
+ill; for one does not look like _that_ when one is really ill.
+
+May 4th. Lieutenant R. is always coming here, he must be frightfully
+smitten with Dora. But Father won't have it at any price. He said to
+Dora to-day:
+
+"You get this gay young spark out of your head; he is no good. But at
+sight of a uniform there is no holding you girls. I've no objection to
+you doing music together for an hour or two; but this perpetual running
+to and fro with books and notes is all humbug."
+
+May 6th. Lieutenant R. walks with us, that is with Dora, to school every
+day. He is supposed to lie in bed late every morning, for he is really
+ill but for Dora's sake he gets up frightfully early and comes over from
+Heitzing and waits in ---- Street. Of course I go on alone with Hella
+and we all meet In ---- Street, so that no one shall notice anything at
+school.
+
+May 13th. To-morrow is Mother's birthday and Viktor (when I am talking
+about him to Dora I always speak of him as V.) brought her some lovely
+roses and invited us all to go there next Sunday. In the hall he called
+me "the Guardian Angel of our Love." Yes, that is what I am and always
+shall be; for he really deserves it and Dora too is quite different
+from what she used to be. Hella says one can see for oneself that love
+ennobles; up till now she has always thought that to be mere poetical
+fiction.
+
+May 15th. Father said: I don't care much about these visits to the
+Richters as long as that _young jackanapes_ is still there, but Mother
+can't very well refuse. We shall wear our green coats and skirts with
+the white blouses with the little green silk leaves for Dora does not
+like to wear all white except in summer. And because the leaves on the
+blouses are _clover leaves_, that is because of their meaning. We are
+looking forward to it tremendously. I do hope Mother will be all right,
+for she is in bed to-day. It's horrid being ill anyhow, but when being
+ill interferes with other people's pleasure it's simply frightful.
+
+May 16th. The day before yesterday was Mother's birthday; but it was not
+so jolly as usual because Mother is so often ill; for a birthday present
+I painted her a box with a spray of clematis, which looks awfully
+chic. Dora gave her a book cover embroidered with a spray of Japanese
+cherries, I don't know what Father gave her, money I think, because on
+her birthday and name day he always hands her an envelope. But since
+Mother is not well we were not very cheerful, and when we drank her
+health at dinner she wiped her eyes when she thought we were not
+looking. Still, it's not so dangerous as all that; she is able to go out
+and doesn't look bad. I think Mother's awfully smart, she looks just as
+well in her dressing gown as when she's dressed up to go out. Dora says
+that if she had been made ill by her husband she would hate him and
+would never let her daughters marry. That's all very well, but one ought
+to be quite _sure_ that _that_ is why one has become ill. They say that
+is why Aunt Dora doesn't like Father. Certainly Father is not so nice to
+her as to other relations or to the ladies who some to see Mother. But
+after all, Aunt Dora has no right to make _scenes_ about it to Father,
+as Dora says she does. Mother's the only person with any right to do
+that. Dora says she is afraid that it will come to Mother's having to
+have an operation. Nothing would ever induce me to undergo an operation,
+it must be horrible, I know because of Hella and the appendicitis. But
+Dora says: "Anyone who's had five children must be used to that sort
+of thing." I shall pray every night that Mother may get well without an
+operation. I expect we shan't all go away together at Whitsuntide this
+year, for Mother and Dora are to go to a health resort, most likely to
+Franzensbad.
+
+May 18th. It was lovely at the Richters; Walter was there from Modling,
+he was awfully nice, and said I was so like my sister that it was
+difficult to tell us apart. That's a frightful cram, but I know what
+he really meant. He plays the flute splendidly, and the three played
+a trio, so that I was frightfully annoyed with myself for not having
+worked harder at my music. From to-morrow on I shall practice 2 hours
+every day, if I can possibly find time. Next winter Viktor is going to
+found a private dramatic club, so he must be going to stay more than six
+months in Vienna. Walter thinks Dora awfully charming, and when I said:
+"The great pity is that she's got such frightful anemia," he said: In a
+man's eyes that is no drawback whatever, as you can see in my brother.
+Moreover, that illness is not a real illness, but often makes a girl
+more charming than ever, as you can see in your sister.
+
+Day before yesterday Miss Maggie Lundy came for the first time; anybody
+can have her for me. She wears false hair, flaxen. She says she is
+engaged, but Dora says, has been. I simply don't believe it. V. says
+Mad. is awfully pretty. When I asked Dora if she was not jealous, she
+said she didn't care, she was quite sure of his love. He means to leave
+the army and go into the civil service, and then he will be able
+to marry. But Dora said, there's plenty of time for that, a secret
+engagement is much nicer. Then she noticed she'd given herself away, and
+she blushed like anything and said: You naturally must be engaged before
+you are married, mustn't you?--of course she _is_ secretly engaged, but
+she won't tell me about it. What's the good of my being the "Guardian
+Angel of their Love?" If he only knew.
+
+May 19th. I really ought to practice to-day, but I simply have no
+time, first of all I had my lesson anyhow, and secondly something awful
+happened to Dora. She left her diary lying about in the school; and
+because we have our religion lesson in the Fifth I saw a green bound
+book lying under the third bench. Great Scott, I thought, that looks
+like Dora's diary. I went up as quickly as I could and put my satchel
+over it. Later in the lesson I picked it up. When I got home
+at 1 o'clock I did not say anything at first. After dinner
+she began rummaging all over the place, but without saying
+anything to me, and then I said quite quietly: "Do you hap--pen
+to be look--ing for your di--ar--y? Here it is; you--left--it
+in--the--fifth--class--un--der--the--third--bench." (I kept her on
+tenter hooks that way.) She got as white as a sheet and said: "You _are_
+an angel. If any one else had found it, I should have been expelled
+and Mad. would have had to drown herself." "Oh, it can't be as bad as all
+that," I said, for what she said about Mad. was frightfully exciting. In
+class I had looked chiefly at what she had written about V. But I could
+not read it there, because it was written very small and close together
+and was several pages, but I had not looked much at what she had written
+about Mad. "Did you read it?" "No, only where it happened to come open
+because there's a page torn out." "About V. or about Mad?" "A little about
+Mad; but tell me all about it; I shan't tell anyone. For if I'd wanted
+to betray you, you know quite well. . . ." And then she told me all
+about Mad. But first I had to promise that I would not even tell Hella.
+Mad. is secretly engaged to a man to whom she has given "the utmost
+gifts of love," that is to say she has . . . . She is madly in love with
+him, and they would marry directly but he is a lieutenant too, and they
+have not enough money for the security. She says that when one really
+loves a man one can bear everything for his sake. She has often been to
+his rooms, but she has to be frightfully careful for her father would
+kill her if he found out. Dora has seen the lieutenant and says he is
+very handsome, but that V. is much handsomer. Mad. says that you can't
+trust men as a rule, but that her lover is quite different, that he is
+true as steel. I am sure V. is too.
+
+May 21st. When Mad. came to-day I simply could not look at her while
+Mother was there and Dora says I made an awful fool of myself. For
+I went out walking with them to-day, and when we met a smart-looking
+officer I hemmed and looked at Dora. But she didn't know why. Mad. is
+the daughter of a high official in the French military service and she
+only took her teacher's degree in order to get free from her Mother's
+"_tyranny_;" she nagged at her frightfully and until she began to give
+lessons she was never allowed to go out alone. Dora says she is very
+refined in her speech, especially when she is talking about _these_
+things. Of course about _them_ she always speaks German, for it's
+much more difficult to say it in French, and probably Dora would not
+understand it and then Mad. would only have to translate it. She is
+called Sylvia and he calls her Sylvette. Mad. says that if one is madly
+in love with a man one does whatever he asks. But I don't see that one
+need do that, for he might ask the most idiotic things; he might ask you
+to get the moon out of the skies, or to pull out a tooth for his sake.
+Dora says she can understand it quite well; that I still lack _the true
+inwardness of thought and feeling_. It looks like utter nonsense. But
+since it sounds fine I've written it down, and perhaps I shall find
+a use for it some day when I'm talking to Walter. Mad. is always
+frightfully anxious lest she should get a baby. If she did she's sure
+her father would kill her. The lieutenant is in the flying corps. He
+hopes he's going to invent a new aeroplane, and that he will make a lot
+of money out of it. Then he will be able to marry Mad. But it would be
+awful if _something happened_ and she got a baby already.
+
+May 22nd. Dora asked me to-day how it was I knew all about these things,
+whether Hella had told me. I did not want to give Hella away, so I said
+quite casually: "Oh, one can read all about that in the encyclopedia."
+But Dora laughed and said: "You are quite on the wrong scent; you can't
+find a tenth of all those things in the encyclopedia, and what you do
+find is no good. In _these_ matters it is _absolutely no good_ depending
+on books." First of all she would not tell me any more, but after a
+time she told me a good deal, especially the names of certain parts, and
+about _fertilisation_, and about the microscopic baby which really comes
+from the husband, and not as Hella and I had thought, from the wife.
+And how one knows whether a woman is _fruitful_. That is really an awful
+word. In fact almost every word has a second meaning of _that_ sort, and
+what Dora says is quite true, one must be fearfully careful when one is
+talking. Dora thinks it would be best to make a list of all such words,
+but there are such a frightful lot of them that one never could. The
+only thing one can do is to be awfully careful; but one soon gets used
+to it. Still it happened to Dora the other day that she said to V.: I
+don't want any _intercourse_. And that really means "the utmost gifts
+of love," so Mad. told her. But V. was so well-mannered that he did
+not show that he noticed anything; and it did not occur to Dora until
+afterwards what she had said. It's really awfully stupid that every
+ordinary word should have such a meaning. I shall be so frightfully
+careful what I say now, so that I shan't use any word with two meanings.
+Mad. says it's just the same in French. We don't know whether it is the
+same in English and we could never dream of asking that awful fright,
+Miss Lundy. Very likely she does not know the first thing about it
+anyhow. I know a great deal more than Hella now, but I can't tell her
+because of betraying Dora and Mad. Perhaps I can give her a hint to
+be more careful in what she says, so as not to use any word with two
+meanings. That is really my duty as a friend.
+
+May 23rd. I quite forgot. Last week Oswald had his written matriculation
+exam, he wrote a postcard every day and Mother was frightfully annoyed
+because he made such silly jokes all the time that we could not really
+tell how he got on. Dora and I are awfully excited because next Monday
+we are going to the aerodome with Frau Richter and her niece who is at
+the conservatoire. Lieutenant Streinz is going to fly too. Of course
+we'll motor out because the railway is not convenient. Of course Viktor
+will be there, but he is motoring over with some other officers. It's
+a great pity, for it would have been lovely if he'd been in our car. By
+the way, I saved the class to-day, the school inspector has been this
+week and examined our class first in History and then in German, and I
+was the only one who knew all that Frau Doktor M. had told us about the
+Origin of Fable. The insp. was very complimentary and afterwards Frau
+Doktor M. said: its quite true one can always depend upon Lainer; she's
+got a trustworthy memory. When we were walking home she was awfully
+nice: "Do you know, Lainer, I feel that I really must ask your pardon."
+I was quite puzzled and Hella asked: But why? She said: "It seemed to me
+this year that you were not taking quite so much interest in your German
+lessons as you did last year; but now you've _reinstated_ yourself in my
+good opinion." Afterwards Hella said: I say you know, Frau Doktor M. is
+not so far wrong when I think of all that we used to read last year so
+that we might know everything when the lesson came, and when I think of
+what we do this year!!! You know very well -- -- -- --. Hella is quite
+right, but still one can learn in spite of _those things_, one can't be
+_always_ talking about them. And then it's quite easy to learn for such
+an angel as Frau Doktor M. Hella says that I got as red as a turkey cock
+from pride because I could say it all in the very words of Frau Doktor
+M., but it was not so, for first of all I was not a bit puffed up about
+it, and secondly I really don't know myself how I managed to say it
+all. I only felt that Frau Doktor M. is so annoyed when no one offers to
+answer a question, and so I took it on.
+
+May 25th. Confound it, I could slap myself a hundred times. How could I
+be so stupid! Now we're not allowed to go to the aerodome. Father only
+let us go because Viktor is in Linz and Father believed he was going
+to stay there another fortnight. And at dinner to-day I made a slip and
+said: "It is a pity there's no room for five in our car. If Fraulein
+Else were not coming Lieutenant Richter could come with us." Dora kicked
+me under the table and I tried to brazen it out, but Father was so angry
+and said. "Hullo, is the flying man coming? No, no, children, nothing
+doing. I shall make your excuses to Frau Richter directly. I'm not
+having any, did not I tell you you weren't to see the fellow any more?"
+Of course this last was to Dora. Dora did not say anything but she did
+not eat any pudding or fruit, and as soon as we were back in our room
+she gave it me hot, saying: You did that on purpose, you little beast,
+but really you are only a child whom I never ought to have trusted, and
+so on. It's really too bad to say I did it _on purpose_, as if I envied
+her. Besides it's bad for me as well as for her, for I like him very
+much too, for he makes no difference between us and treats me exactly
+like Dora. Of course we are not on speaking terms now, and what
+infuriated me more than anything was that she said she grudged every
+word she had said to me in _this_ connection: "Pearls before Swine."
+What a rude thing to say. So I am an S. But I should like to know who
+told most. I forsooth? Anyhow I'm quite sure that I shall never talk to
+her again about _anything of that sort_. Thank goodness I have a friend
+in Hella. She would never say or think anything of the kind of me.
+
+May 26th. Neither of us could sleep a wink all night; Dora cried
+frightfully, I heard her though she tried to stifle it, and I cried too,
+for I was thinking all the time what I could do to prevent Viktor
+from thinking unkindly of me. That would be awful. Then I thought of
+something, and chance or I ought to say luck helped me. Viktor does not
+walk to school with us any longer, because the girls of the Fifth have
+seen us several times, but he comes to meet Dora when she comes away at
+1 o'clock. So quite early I telephoned to him at a public telephone call
+office, for I did not dare to do it at home. Dora was so bad that she
+could not go to school so I was going alone with Hella. I telephoned
+saying a friend was ringing him up, that was when the maid answered the
+telephone, and then she called him. I told him: that whatever happened
+he was not to think unkindly of me and I must see him at 1 o'clock
+because Dora was ill. He must wait at the corner of ---- Street. All
+through lessons I was so upset that I don't in the least know what we
+did. And at 1 o'clock he was there all right, and I told him all about
+it and he was so awfully kind and he consoled me; _he_ consoled _me_.
+That's quite different from the way Dora behaved. I was so much upset
+that I nearly cried, and then he drew me into a doorway and _put his arm
+round me_ and with his _own_ handkerchief wiped away my tears. I shall
+never tell Dora about that. Then he asked me to be awfully kind to Dora
+because she had such a _lot_ to bear. I don't really know _what_ she has
+to bear, but still, for his sake, because it's really worth doing it for
+that, after dinner I put a note upon her desk, saying: V. sends oceans
+of love to you and hopes you will be all right again by Monday. At the
+same time his best thanks for the book. I put the note in Heidepeter's
+Gabriel, which she had lent to me to read and put it down very
+significantly. When she read it she flushed up, swallowed a few times
+and said: "Have you seen him? Where was it and when?" Then I told her
+all about it and she was frightfully touched and said: "You really are
+a good girl, only frightfully undependable." What do you mean,
+undependable? She said: Yes undependable, for one simply must not blurt
+out things in that way; never mind, I will try to forget. Have you
+finished Heidepeter's Gabriel yet? "No," I said, "I'm not going to read
+anyone's book with whom I'm angry." In the end we made it up, but of
+course we did not talk any more about it and I did not say a word about
+that business with the handkerchief.
+
+May 29th. On June 10th or 12th, Mother and Dora are going to Frazensbad,
+because they both have to take mud baths. Besides, Father says that a
+change will give Dora new thoughts, so that she won't go about hanging
+her head like a sick chicken. To-day Dora told me something very
+interesting. Unmarried men have little books and with these they can go
+to visit women "of a certain kind" in Graben and in the Karntnerstrasse.
+There, Dora says, they have to pay 10 florins or 10 crowns. In Dora's
+class there is a girl whose father is police surgeon, and they have all
+to be examined every month to see if they are healthy, and if not they
+can't visit these "ladies," and that's why the Preusses can never keep a
+servant. In my bath yesterday I noticed that I had a certain line, so
+I must be fr--. But I shan't have more than 1 or 2 children at most for
+the line is very faint. When I'm studying I often think of such things,
+and then I read a whole page and turn over and have not the remotest
+idea what I've been reading. It's very tiresome, for soon the other
+school insp. for maths. and the other subjects is coming, and I should
+not like to make a fool of myself; especially not because perhaps the
+inspectors talk us over with one another about who is clever and who
+stupid.
+
+May 30th. The concert was glorious. When I hear such grand music I
+always have to keep myself well in hand for I fear I should cry. It's
+very stupid, of course, but at such times I can only think of sad
+things, even if it's just a small piece. Dora can play Brahms' Hungarian
+Dances, too, but that never makes me want to cry. I only get annoyed
+because I can't play them myself. I could all right, but I have not got
+patience to practice long enough. I never tell anyone that I want to
+cry when I am listening to music, not even Hella, though I tell her
+everything, except of course about Mad. Yesterday I made a fool of
+myself; at least so Dora says. I don't know how it happened, we were
+talking about books at supper, and I said: "What's the use of books,
+one can't learn anything out of them; everything is quite different from
+what they say in books." Then Father got in a wax and said: "You little
+duffer, you can thank your stars there are books from which you can
+learn something. Anyone who can't understand a book always says it is no
+good." Dora gave me a look, but I didn't know what she meant, and I
+went on: "Yes, but there's an awful lot that the encyclopedia puts all
+wrong." "What have you been ferreting in the encyclopedia for; we shall
+have to keep the key of the bookcase in a safer place." Thank goodness
+Dora came to my help and said: "Gretel wanted to look up something
+about the age of elephants and mammoths, but it's quite different in the
+encyclopedia from what Prof. Rigl told her last year." I was saved. Dora
+can act splendidly; I've noticed it before. In the evening she rowed me,
+and said: "You little goose, will you never learn caution; first that
+stupidity about Viktor and to-day this new blunder! I've helped you out
+of a hole once but I shan't do it again." And then she spent all the
+time writing a letter, to him of course--! Hella and I have just been
+reading a lot of things in the encycl., about _Birth_ and _Pregnancy_,
+and I on my own about abor--; we came across the words Embyro
+and Foetus, and I said nothing at the time but tied 2 knots in my
+handkerchief to remind me, and yesterday I looked them up. Mad. need
+not be anxious even if she _really_ did get like that. But every doctor
+knows about it and one often dies of it. I wonder if Mad. knows anything
+about it. We were talking about the _differences_ between men and women,
+and it came out that when Hella has her bath she is still washed by Anna
+who has been with them for 12 years. Nothing would induce me to allow
+that, I would not let anyone wash me, except Mother; certainly not Dora,
+for I don't want her to know what _I_ look like. The nurse in the hosp.
+told Hella that she is developed just like a little nymph, so lovely and
+symetrical. Hella says that is nothing unusual, that every girl looks
+like that, that the female body is _Nature's Work of Art_. Of course
+she's read that somewhere, for it does not really mean anything.
+_Nature's_ work of art; it ought to be: a work of art made by husband
+and wife!!!
+
+May 30th. Dora and Mother are going to Franzensbad on June 6th, directly
+after Whitsuntide. Dora has got another new coat and skirt, grey with
+blue stripes; yesterday our white straw hats came, it suits me very well
+says Hella and everyone, with white ribbons and wild roses. There might
+have been a fearful row about what's just happened. When I went to
+telephone I had my Christmas umbrella with the rose-quartz handle and
+I left it in the telephone box; the girl in the tobacco shop found it
+there, and as she knows me she brought it here and gave it to the porter
+who brought it upstairs. Thank goodness it occurred to me at once to say
+that I went into the tobacco shop to buy stamps and I must have left it
+in the _shop_. No one noticed anything.
+
+May 31st. They wanted me to go and stay with Hella for the month when
+Mother and Dora are away. It would be awfully nice, but I'm not going
+to, for I want to stay with Father. What would he do all alone at meal
+times, and whom would he have to talk to in the evenings? Father was
+really quite touched when I said this and he stroked my hair as he can
+and no one else, not even Mother. So I'm going to stay at home whatever
+happens. Flowers are very cheap now, so I shall put _different_ flowers
+on the table every day, I shall go to the Market every day to buy a
+little posy, so that they can always be fresh. It would be stupid for me
+to go to the Brs., why should I, Resi has been with us for such a long
+time, she knows how to do everything even if Mother is not there and
+everything else I can arrange. Father won't want for anything.
+
+June 1st. We've had such an experience to-day! It's awful; it's quite
+true then that one takes off _every stitch_ when one is madly fond of
+anyone. I never really believed it, and I'm sure Dora did not, although
+Mad. hinted it to her; but _it's true_. We've seen it _with our own
+eyes_. I was just sitting and reading Storm's The Rider of the Grey
+Horse and Dora was arranging some writing paper to take to Franzensbad
+when Resi came and said: Fraulein Dora, please come here a moment, I
+want you to look at something! From the tone of her voice I saw there
+was something up so I went too. At first Resi would not say what it
+was but Dora was generous and said: "It's all right, you can say
+_everything_ before her." Then we went into Resi's room and from behind
+the curtain peeped into the mezzanin. A young _married couple_ live
+there!!! At least Resi says people say they are _not_ really married,
+but simply live together!!!! And what we saw was awful. She was
+absolutely naked lying in bed without any of the clothes on, and he
+was kneeling by the bedside quite n-- too, and he kissed her all over,
+_everywhere!!!_ Dora said afterwards it made her feel quite sick. And
+then he stood up--no, I can't write it, it's too awful, I shall never
+forget it. So _that's_ the way of it, it's simply frightful. I could
+never have believed it. Dora went as white as a sheet and trembled so
+that Resi was terribly frightened. I nearly cried with horror, and yet
+I could not help laughing too. I was really afraid he would stifle her
+because he's so big and she's so small. And Resi says he is certainly
+much too big for her, and that he nearly tears her. I don't know why
+he should tear her but certainly he might have crushed her. Dora was
+so terrified she had to sit down and Resi hurried to get her a glass of
+water, because she believed she was going to faint. I had not imagined
+it was anything like _that_, and Dora certainly had not either. Or she
+would never have trembled so. Still I really don't see why she should
+tremble like that. There is no reason to be frightened, one simply need
+not marry, and then one need never strip off every stitch, and oh dear,
+poor Mademoiselle who is so small and the lieutenant is very tall.
+But just think if anyone is as fat as Herr Richter or our landlord. Of
+course Herr Richter is at least 50, but last January the landlord had
+another little girl, so something _must have happened_. No, I'm sure
+it's best not to marry, for _it_ is really too awful. We did not look
+any more for then came the worst, suddenly Dora began to be actually
+sick, so that she could hardly get back to our room. If she had not
+been able to, everything would have come out. Mother sent for the doctor
+directly and he said that Dora was very much overworked; that it was a
+good thing she was going away from Vienna in a few days. No girl ought
+to study, it does not pay. Then he said to me: "You don't look up to
+much either. What are you so hollow-eyed for?" "I'm so frightened about
+Dora," I said. "Fiddlededee," said the doctor, "that does not give
+anyone black rings round the eyes." So it must be true that one gets to
+look ill when one always has to think about _such_ things. But how can
+one help it, and Hella says: It's awfully interesting to have black
+rings under the eyes and men _like_ it.
+
+We were going to make an excursion to-morrow to Kahlenberg and
+Hermannskogel, but probably it won't come off. Its 11 already and I'm
+fearfully tired from writing so much; I must go to bed. I do hope I
+Shall be able to sleep, but -- -- -- --
+
+June 3rd. Father took Hella and me to Kahlenberg; we enjoyed ourselves
+tremendously. After dinner, when Father was reading the paper in the
+hotel, we went to pick flowers, and I told Hella all about what we'd
+seen on Friday. She was simply speechless, all the more since she had
+never heard what Mad. told us about taking off everything. She won't
+marry either, for it's too disagreeable, indeed too horrid.--The doctor
+said too: This perpetual learning is poisonous for young girls _in the
+years of development_. If he only knew _what_ we had seen. Hella is
+frightfully annoyed that she was not there. She can be jolly glad, I
+don't want to see it a second time, and I shall never forget it all my
+life long; what I saw at the front door was nothing to this. Then
+Hella went on making jokes and said: "I say, just think if it had
+been Viktor." "Oh, do shut up," I screamed, and Father thought we were
+quarrelling and called out: "You two seem to be having a dispute in the
+grand style." If he'd only known what we were talking about!!! Oswald
+has been home since Friday evening; he did not arrive till half past 10.
+But he did not come on the excursion with us yesterday, although Father
+would have liked him to; he said he would find it much too dull to spend
+the day with two "flappers;" that means that we're not grown up enough
+for him and is a piece of infernal cheek especially as regards Hella.
+She says she will simply ignore him in future. Since I am his sister
+I can't very well do that, but I shan't fetch and carry for him as he
+would like me to. He's no right to insult even his sister.
+
+Dora has just said to me: It's horrible that one has to endure that (you
+know what!!! -- -- -- --) when one is married. Resi had told her about
+those two before, and that only the Jews do it just like _that_. She
+said that other people did not strip quite naked and that perhaps it's
+different in some other ways!! -- -- -- But Mad. implied that it was
+just _that_ way, only she did not say anything about the crushing; but
+I suppose that's because of the cruelty of the Jews -- -- --. I'm afraid
+every night that I'm going to dream about it, and Dora has dreamed about
+it already. She says that whenever she closes her eyes she sees it all
+as if it were actually before her.
+
+June 4th. We understand now _what_ Father meant the other day when he
+was speaking about Dr. Diller and his wife and said: "But they don't
+suit one another at all." I thought at the time he only meant that it
+looks so absurd for so tiny a woman to go about with a big strong
+man. But that's only a minor thing; the main point is something quite
+different!!!! Hella and I look at all couples now who go by arm in arm,
+thinking about them from _that_ point of view, and it amuses us so much
+as we are going home that we can hardly keep from laughing. But really
+it's no laughing matter, especially for the woman.
+
+June 5th. This morning Mother took Dora with her to pay a farewell call
+at the Richter's. But there was no one at home, that is Frau R. was
+certainly at home, but said she was not because they are very much
+offended with Father. In the afternoon Dora and I had a lot of things to
+get, and we met Viktor, by arrangement of course. Dora cried a lot; they
+went into the Minorite church while I went for a walk in Kohlmarkt and
+Herrengasse. He is going to America in the beginning of July, before
+Dora comes home. He has given her some exquisite notepaper stamped with
+his regimental arms, specially for her to write to him on, and a locket
+with his portrait. To-morrow she is going to send him her photo, through
+me, I shall be awfully glad to take it. Dora has been much nicer to me
+lately.
+
+June 6th. Mother and Dora left early this morning. Mother has never gone
+away from us before for long at a time, so I cried a lot and so did she.
+Dora cried too, but I know on whose account. Father and I are alone now.
+At dinner he said to me: "My little housewife." It was so lovely. But
+it's frightfully quiet in the house, for 2 people don't talk so much as
+4. It made me feel quite uncomfortable. To-day I talked several things
+over with Resi. What I think worst of all is that one saw the whole
+of his behind, it was really disgusting. Dora said the other day she
+thought it was positively infamous. Resi said they might at least
+have pulled down the blind so that nobody could see in, that's what
+respectable people would do. But _respectable_ people simply would
+not strip, or at least they'd cover themselves respectably with the
+bedclothes. Then Resi told me some more about the bank clerk and his
+wife, that is _not_-wife. She does not know if her parents know about
+it, and what excuse she makes for not living at home. She is not a
+Jewess, though he is a Jew. Resi absolutely curled up with laughing
+because I said: "Ah, that is why he insists that they shall _both_ strip
+though ordinarily only the wife has to strip." But she herself said a
+little while ago that only Jews do it _that way_, and to-day she laughed
+as if I were talking utter nonsense. Really she does not know exactly
+herself, and she cloaks it with laughter because she's annoyed, first
+because _she_ does not know, and then also I'm sure because she really
+began to talk about the matter. One thing that puzzles me is that I
+never dream about _it_. I should like to know whether perhaps Dora never
+really dreamed of it, though she pretended she did. As for Hella saying
+she dreamed of it the day before yesterday, I'm sure that was pure
+invention, for she was not there at all. She says it's a good thing she
+was not for if she had been she would have burst out laughing. But I
+fancy if she'd seen what we saw she would have found there was nothing
+to laugh at.
+
+June 7th. It's frightfully dull after dinner and in the evening before
+bed time, especially because this year, since the affair at the front
+door, Dora and I have always had plenty to talk about. I miss it. I wish
+Hella would come and stay with us for the 4 weeks. But she does not want
+to. Father had work to do to-day, so I'm quite alone and feel as if I'd
+like to cry.
+
+June 9th. Yesterday, when I was feeling so melancholy, Resi came to make
+my bed, and we talked about the married couple opposite, and then she
+told me awful things about a young married couple where she was once.
+She left because they always went into the bath together; she says she's
+certain that _something happened_ there. And then she told me about an
+old gentleman who made _advances_ to her; but of course she would not
+have anything to do with him; besides he was married, and anyhow he
+would never have married a servant for he was a privy councillor.
+Yesterday Father said: Poor little witch, it's very lonely for you now;
+but look here, Resi is no fit company for you; when your little tongue
+wants to wag, come to my room. And I was awfully stupid, I began to cry
+like anything and said. "Father, please don't be angry, I'll never think
+and never talk of such things any more." Father did not know at first
+what I meant, but afterwards it must have struck him, for he was so kind
+and gentle, and said: "No, no, Gretel, don't corrupt your youth with
+such matters, and when there's anything that bothers you, ask Mother,
+but not the servants. A girl of good family must not be too familiar
+with servants. Promise me." And then, though I'm so big he took me on
+his knee like a child and petted me because I was crying so. "It's all
+right, little Mouse, don't worry, you must not get so nervous as Dora.
+Give me a nice kiss, and then I'll come with you to your room and stay
+with you till you go to sleep." Of course I stayed awake on purpose as
+long as I could, till a quarter to 11.
+
+And then I dreamed that Father was lying in Dora's bed so that when I
+woke up early in the morning I really looked across to see if he had not
+gone to bed there. But of course I'd only dreamed it.
+
+June 12th. To-morrow there's a great school excursion; I am so glad, a
+whole day with Frau Doktor M. and without any lessons. We are going up
+Eisernes Tor. Last year there was no outing, because the Fourth did not
+want to go to the Anninger, but to the Hochschneeberg, and the Head did
+not want to go there.
+
+June 13th. We had a lovely outing. Hella and I spent the whole day with
+Frau Doktor M.; in the afternoon Franke said: "I say, why do you stick
+to Frau Doktor like that? One can't get a word with you." So then we went
+for a good walk through the forest with Franke and she told us about a
+student who is in the Eighth now and who is madly in love with her.
+For all students are in love with her, _so she says_. We were not much
+interested in that, but then she told us that Frau Doktor M. is secretly
+engaged to a professor in Leipzig or some other town in Germany. Her
+cousin is Frau Doktor's dressmaker, and she is quite certain of it. Her
+parents are opposed to it because he is a _Jew_ but they are frantically
+in love with one another and they intend to marry. And then we asked
+Franke, since she is a Jewess too whether it was all true what Mali,
+who was here when Resi was in hospital, had told us about the Jews. And
+Franke said: "Oh yes, it is true I can confirm it in every point. But
+it's not so bad about the cruelty, every man is cruel, especially in
+this matter." No doubt she's right, but it's horrible to think that our
+lovely and refined Frau Doktor M is going to have a cruel husband. Hella
+says that if _she_ is satisfied, I don't need to get excited about it.
+But perhaps she does not know that -- -- --. When we came out of the
+wood the Herr Religionsprofessor who is awfully fond of Frau Doktor
+M. called out: "Frau Doktor, you have lost your two satellites!" And
+everybody laughed because we'd come back. Father came to fetch Hella and
+me, and since it was nearly 11 o'clock Hella stayed the night with us.
+It was awfully nice, but at the same time I was sorry because I could
+not have any more talk with Father. When we were getting up in the
+morning we splashed one another and played the fool generally, so that
+we were nearly late for school. The staff was still in high spirits,
+including Professor Wilke, about whom we had not bothered ourselves all
+day; that is he did not come until the afternoon when he came to meet
+us on our way. We believe he is in love with Frau Doktor M. too, for
+he went about with her all the time, and it was probably on her account
+that he came. None of the other professors were there, for they were all
+taking their classes in the different Gymnasiums.
+
+June 14th. I am so excited. We were going to school to-day at 9 and
+suddenly we heard a tremendous rattling with a sword; that is Hella
+heard it, for she always notices that sort of thing before I do, and she
+said: "Hullo, that's an o-- in a frightful hurry," and looked round; "I
+say, there's Viktor behind us" and he really was, he was saluting us and
+he said: Fraulein Rita, can you give me a moment; you'll excuse me won't
+you, Fraulein Hella? He always calls me Rita, and it shows what a nice
+refined kind of a man he is that he should know my friend's name. Hella
+said directly: "Don't mention it, Herr Oberleutenant, don't let me be
+in your way if it's anything important," and she went over to the
+other side of the street. He looked after her and said: "What a lovely,
+well-mannered young lady your friend is." Then he came back to the main
+point He has already had 2 letters from Dora, but not an answer to
+his letter, because she can't fetch it from the post office, _poste
+restante_. Then he implored me to enclose a letter from him in mine to
+Dora. But since Mother naturally reads my letters, I told him it was
+not so simple as all that; but I knew of a splendid way out of the
+difficulty; I would write to Mother and Dora _at the same time_, so
+that Dora could get hold of _his letter_ while Mother was not noticing.
+Viktor was awfully pleased and said: "You're a genius and a first-class
+little schemer," and kissed my hand. Still, he might have left out the
+"little." If one's is so _little_, one can't very well be a schemer.
+From the other side of the street Hella saw him kiss my hand. She says
+I did not try to draw it away, but held it out to him like a grand lady
+and even dropped it at the wrist. She says we girls of good family do
+that sort of thing by instinct. It may be so, for I certainly did not
+do it intentionally. In the afternoon I wrote the two letters, just the
+ordinary one to Mother and a short one to Dora with the enclosure, and
+took it to the post _myself_.
+
+June 16th. I've already got so used to being alone with Father that I
+take it as a matter of course. We often drive in the Prater, or go in
+the evening to have supper in one of the parks, and of course Hella
+comes with us. I am frightfully excited to know what Dora will write. I
+forgot to write in my diary the other day that I asked Viktor if he was
+really going to New York. He said he had no idea of doing anything of
+the kind, that had only been a false alarm on the part of the Old Man.
+That's what he calls his father. I don't think it's very nice of him, a
+little vulgar, and perhaps that is why Father can't stand him. In fact
+Father does not like any officers very much, except Hella's father, but
+then he's fairly old already. I say, Hella mustn't read that, it would
+put her in an awful wax; but her father really is at least 4 or 5 years
+older than Father.
+
+June 17th. Frau Doktor M. is ill, but we don't know what's the matter
+with her. We were all frightfuly dull at school. The head took her
+classes and we were left to ourselves in the interval. I do hope she has
+not got appendicitis, that would be awful.
+
+June 18th. _She_ isn't back yet. Frau Doktor Steiner says she has very
+bad tonsillitis and won't be able to come for at least a week.
+
+June 19th. There was a letter from Dora to-day. I'm furious. Not a word
+about my sisterly affection, but only: "Many thanks for your trouble."
+It's really too bad; _he_ is quite different!! I shan't forget this in a
+hurry. Hella says that she only hinted at it like that to be on the
+safe side. But it's not true, for she knows _perfectly well_ that Father
+never reads our letters. She simply takes it as a matter of course.
+Yesterday was the first time I stayed away from school since I went to
+the High School. Early in the morning I had such a bad sore throat and
+a headache, so Father would not let me go. I got better as the day went
+on, but this morning I was worse again. Most likely I shall have to stay
+at home for 2 or 3 days. Father wanted to send for the doctor, but it
+really was not necessary.
+
+June 20th. When Resi was doing our room to day she wanted to begin
+talking once more about _various things_, but I said I did not
+particularly care to hear about such matters, and then she implored me
+never to tell Mother and Father anything about what she had said to us
+about the young married couple; she said she would lose her place and
+she would be awfully sorry to do that.
+
+June 21st. My knees are still trembling; there might have been a
+frightful row; luckily Father was out. At half past 6, when Hella and I
+were having a talk, the telephone bell rang. Luckily Resi had gone out
+too to fetch something so I answered the telephone, and it was Viktor!
+"I must see you to-morrow morning early or at 1 o'clock; I waited for
+you _in vain_ at 1 to-day." Of course, for I was still ill, that is
+still am ill. But well or ill I must go to school to-morrow. If Father
+had been at home; or even Resi, she might have noticed something. It
+would have been very disagreeable if I had had to ask her not to give me
+away. Hella was frightfully cheeky, she took the receiver out of my hand
+and said: "Please don't do this again, it's frightfully risky for my
+friend." I was rather annoyed with her, but Hella said he certainly
+deserved a lecture.
+
+To-morrow we are going to a concert and I shall wear my new white dress.
+It does look rather nice after all for sisters to be dressed alike. I've
+taken to wearing snails, *** Father calls them "cow-pats;" but everyone
+else says it's exceedingly becoming.
+
+     *** Flat rolls of hair-plait covering the ears.--Translators'
+     Note.
+
+June 22nd. He was awfully charming when he came up to us and said: "Can
+a repentant sinner be received back into grace?" And he gave each of us
+a lovely rose. Then he handed me a letter and said: "I don't think we
+need make any secret before your energetic friend." Really I did not
+want to forward any more letters but I did not know how to say so
+without offending him, for Dora's cheek is not his fault, and I did not
+want to say anything to-day, 1 because of the roses, and 2 because
+Hella was there. There can't be more than 2 or 3 times more, so I shan't
+bother. But _Dora_ doesn't deserve it, really. Franke is a vulgar girl.
+She saw us together the other day, and the next day she asked: Where did
+you pick up that handsome son of Mars? Hella retorted: "Don't use such
+common expressions when you are speaking of Rita's cousin." "Oh, a
+cousin, that's why he kisses her hand I suppose?" Since then we only
+speak to Franke when we are positively obliged. Not to speak to her at
+all would be too dangerous, you never can tell; but if we speak only a
+little, she can't take offence.
+
+June 23rd. The school insp. came yesterday, the old one who always
+comes for Maths. He is so kind and gentle that all the girls can answer
+everything; we like him better than the one who comes for languages.
+Verbenowitsch was awfully puffed up because he praised her. Good Lord,
+I've been praised often enough, but that does not make _me_ conceited.
+Anyhow he did not call on me yesterday because I'd been absent 4 days.
+Frau Doktor M. came back to-day. She looks awfully pale and wretched, I
+don't know why; it's such a pity that she does not let us walk home with
+her, except last year when there was all that fuss about Fraulein St.'s
+bead bag. She bows to us all very politely when we salute her, but she
+won't walk with any of the pupils, though Verbenowitsch is horribly
+pushing and is always hanging about on the chance.
+
+June 26th. It's really stupid how anxious I am now at Communion lest
+the host should drop out of my mouth. I was so anxious I was very nearly
+sick. Hella says there must be some reason for it, but I don't know of
+any, except that the accident which that girl Lutter in the Third had
+made me even more anxious that I was before. Hella says I'd better turn
+Protestant, but nothing would induce me to do that; for after Com. one
+feels so pure and so much better than one was before. But I'm sorry to
+say it does not last so long as it ought to.
+
+June 27th. Mother is _really_ ill. Father told me about it. He was
+awfully nice and said: If only your Mother is spared to us. She is far
+from well. Then I asked: Father, what is really wrong with Mother? And
+Father said: "Well, dear, it's a hidden trouble, which has really been
+going on for a long time and has now suddenly broken out." "Will she
+have to have an operation?" "We hope we shall be able to avoid that. But
+it's a terrible thing that Mother should be so ill." Father looked so
+miserable when he said this that I did my best to console him and said:
+"But _surely_ the mud baths will make her all right, or why should she
+take them?" And Father said: "Well, darling, we'll hope for the best."
+We went on talking for a long time, saying that Mother must take all
+possible care of herself, and that perhaps in the autumn Aunt Dora would
+come here to keep house. I asked Father, "Is it true that you don't like
+Aunt Dora?" Father said: "Not a bit of it, what put that idea into
+your head?" So I said: "But you do like Mother much better, don't you?"
+Father laughed and said: "You little goose, of course I do, or I should
+have married Aunt Dora and not Mother." I should have liked awfully
+to ask Father a lot more, but I did not dare. I really do miss Dora,
+especially in the evenings.
+
+July 2nd. I was in a tremendous rage at school to-day. Professor W.,
+the traitor, did not come because he had confession and communion in
+the Gymnasium, and the matron did not know anything about the subject
+so there was no one to take his class. Then the Herr Religionsprofessor
+took it, he had come earlier than usual to write up the reports. But
+since the Jewish girls were there too, of course there was no religion
+lesson. But the H. Rel. Prof. had a chat with us. He asked each of us
+where we were going to spend the summer, and when I said I was going
+to Rodaun, Weinberger said: I say, _only_ to Rodaun! and several of the
+other girls chimed in: _Only_ to Rodaun; why that's only a drive on the
+steam tram. I was frightfully annoyed, for we generally go to Tyrol
+or Styria; I said so directly, and then Franke said: Last year too, I
+think, you went somewhere quite close to Vienna, where was it, Hain--,
+and then she stopped and made as if she had never heard of Hainfeld. Of
+course that was all put on, but she's very angry because we won't speak
+to her since that business about the _cousin!_ But now I was to learn
+what true friendship is. While I was getting still more angry, Hella
+said: Rita's Mother is now in _Franzensbad, the world-famous health
+resort_; she is ill, and Prof. Sch. has to go and see her at least
+once a week. The Herr Rel. Prof. was awfully nice and said: Rodaun is
+a lovely place. The air there is very fine and will certainly do your
+Mother a lot of good. That's the chief thing, isn't it children? I hope
+that God will spare all your parents for many years. When the Herr
+Rel. Prof. said that, Lampel, whose Mother died last winter, burst
+out crying, and I cried too, for I thought of my talk with Father.
+Weinberger and Franke thought I was crying because I was annoyed because
+we were only going to Rodaun. In the interval Franke said: After all,
+there's no harm in going to Rodaun, that's no reason for crying. But
+Hella said: "Excuse me, the Lainers can go anywhere they please, they
+are so well off that many people might envy them. Besides, her Mother
+and her sister are in Franzensbad now, where everything is frightfully
+expensive, and in Rodaun they have rented a house all for themselves.
+Rita is crying because she is anxious about her Mother, not because
+of anything you said." Of course we don't speak a word to Franke now.
+Mother does not want us to anyhow, she did not like her at all when she
+met her last year. Mother has a fine instinct in such matters.
+
+July 6th. We broke up to-day. I have nothing but Very Goods, except of
+course in ---- Natural History! That was to be expected. What -- -- (I
+can't bring myself to write the name) said was perfectly right. Nearly
+all the girls who were still there brought Frau Doktor M. and Frau
+Doktor St. flowers as farewell tokens. This time, Hella and I were
+allowed to go with Frau Doktor M. to the metropolitan. When we kiss her
+hand she always blushes, and we love doing it. This summer holidays she
+is going to -- -- -- _Germany_, of course; really Hella need not have
+asked; it's obvious!!!
+
+July 8th. Mother and Dora are coming home today. We are going to meet
+them at the station. By the way, I'd quite forgotten. The other day
+Father hid a new 5 crown piece in my table napkin, and when I lifted up
+my table napkin it fell out, and Father said: In part payment of your
+outlay on flowers for the table. Father is such a darling, the flowers
+did not cost anything like 5 crowns, 3 at most, for though they were
+lovely ones, I only bought fresh ones every other day. Now I shall be
+able to buy Mother lots of roses, and I shall either take them to the
+station or put them on her table. On the one hand I'm awfully glad
+Mother is coming home, but on the other hand I did like being alone with
+Father for he always talked to me about everything just as he does to
+Mother; that will come to an end now.
+
+July 10th. Mother and Dora look splendid; I'm especially glad about
+Mother; for one can see that she is quite well again. If we had not
+taken the house in Rodaun, we might just as well go to Tyrol, for one
+can't deny it would be much nicer. Dora looks quite a stranger. It's
+absurd, for one can't alter in 1 month, still, she really looks quite
+different; she does her hair differently, parted over the ears. I have
+had no chance yet to say anything about the "trouble," and she has not
+alluded to it. In the autumn she will have to have a special exam. for
+the Sixth because she went away a month before the end of term. Father
+says that is only pro forma and that she must not take any lesson books
+to the country. Hella went away yesterday, she and her Mother and Lizzi
+are going first to Gastein and then to stay with their uncle in Hungary.
+Life is dull without Hella, much worse than without Dora; without her I
+was simply bored sometimes in the evening, at bedtime. Dora gives it
+out that in Franzensbad people treated her as a grown-up lady. I'm sure
+that's not true for anyone can see that she's a long way from being a
+grown-up lady yet.
+
+July 11th. I can't think what's happened to Dora. When she goes out
+she goes alone. She doesn't tell me when she is going or where, and
+she hasn't said a word about Viktor. But he must know that she is back.
+To-morrow we are going to Rodaun, by train of course, not by the steam
+tram. The day after to-morrow, the 13th, Oswald has the viva voce exam
+for his matriculation. He says that in every class there are at least
+1 or several _swotters_, like Verbenowitsch in ours, he says they spoil
+the pitch for the others, for, because of the swotters, the professors
+expect so much more of the others and sit upon them. This may be so in
+the Gymnasium, but certainly not at the High School. For though Verb. is
+always sucking up to the staff, they can't stand her; they give her good
+reports, but none of them really like her. Mother says the 13th is an
+unlucky day, and it makes her anxious about Oswald. Because of that she
+went to High Mass yesterday instead of the 9 o'clock Mass as usual.
+I never thought of praying for Oswald, and anyhow I think he'll get
+through all right.
+
+July 13th. Thank goodness Oswald has wired he is through, that is he has
+wired his favourite phrase: Finis with Jubilation. At any rate that did
+not worry Mother as he did over the written exam., when he made
+silly jokes all the time. He won't be home until the 17th, for the
+matriculation dinner is on the 15th. Father is awfully pleased too.
+It's lovely here; of course we have not really got a whole house to
+ourselves, as Hella pretended at school, but a flat on the first story;
+in the mezzanin a young married woman lives, that is to say a _newly
+married couple!!_ Whenever I hear that phrase it makes me shake with
+horror and laughter combined. Resi must have thought of it too, for
+she looked hard at Dora and me when she told us. But they have a baby
+already, so they are not really a newly married couple any more. The
+landlord, who lives on the same floor as us, is having a swing put
+up for me in the garden for it is horrid not to have a swing in the
+country.
+
+July 16th. At last Dora has said something to me about Viktor, but she
+spoke very coldly; there must be something up; she might just as well
+tell me; she really ought to seeing all that I've done. I have not seen
+him since that last letter of June 27th; that time something must
+have hap-- no that word means something quite different, there must be
+something up, but I do wonder what. Hella is delighted with Gastein, she
+writes that the only thing wanting is _me_. I can quite understand that,
+for what I want here is _her_. Before the end of term Ada wrote to ask
+whether we were not coming to H. this year; she said she had such a
+frightful lot to tell me, and _she wants my advice_. I shall be very
+glad to advise her, but I don't know what it is about.
+
+July 18th. Something splendid, we are -- -- -- But no, I must write it
+all out in proper order. Oswald came home yesterday, he is in great form
+and said jokingly to Dora that she is so pretty he thinks he would fall
+in love with her if she were not his sister. Just before it was time to
+go to supper, Mother called us in, and I was rather annoyed when I saw
+that it was only a quarter to 8. Then Father came in with a paper in
+his hand as he often does when he comes back from the office, and said:
+"Dear Oswald and you two girls, I wanted to give you and especially
+Oswald a little treat because of the matriculation." Aha, I thought, the
+great prize after all! Then Father opened the paper and said: "You have
+often wondered as children why we have no title of nobility like the
+other Lainers. My grandfather dropped it, but I have got it back again
+for you Oswald, and also for you two girls. Henceforward we shall call
+ourselves Lanier von Lainsheim like Aunt Anna and your uncles." Oswald
+was simply speechless and I was the first to pull myself together and
+give Father a great hug. But first of all he said: "Do credit to the
+name." Oswald went on clearing his throat for a frightfully long time,
+and then he said: Thank you, Father, I shall always hold the name in
+trust, and then they kissed one another. We were on our best behaviour
+all through the evening, although Mother had ordered roast chicken and
+Father had provided a bottle of champagne. I am frightfully happy; it's
+so splendid and noble. Think of what the girls will say, and the staff!
+I'm frantically delighted. To-morrow I must write and tell Hella all
+about it.
+
+July 19th. I've managed it beautifully. I did not want to write just: We
+are now noble, so I put it all in the signature, simply writing Always
+your loving friend Rita Lainer von Lainsheim. I told Resi about it first
+thing this morning, but Father scolded me about that at dinner time and
+said it was quite unnecessary; it seems the nobility has gone to your
+head. Nothing of the sort, but it's natural that I should be frightfully
+glad and Dora too has covered a whole sheet of paper writing her new
+name. Father says it does not really make us any different from what
+we were before, but that is not true, for if it were he would not have
+bothered to revive the title. He says it will make it easier for Oswald
+to get on, but I'm sure there's more in it than that. Resi told the
+landlord about it and in the afternoon he and his wife called to
+congratulate us.
+
+July 20th. Oswald says he won't stay here, it's much too dull, he is
+going for a walking tour through the Alps, to Grossglockner, and then to
+the Karawanken. He will talk of Father as the "Old Man," and I do think
+it is so vulgar. Dora says it is absolutely _flippant_.
+
+July 24th. Hella's answer came to-day; she congratulates me most
+heartily, and then goes on to write that at first she was struck dumb
+and thought I'd gone crazy or was trying to take her in. But her mother
+had already heard of it from her father for it had been published in the
+Official Gazette. Now we are both noble, and that is awfully nice. For I
+have often been annoyed that she was noble when I was not.
+
+July 25th. Oswald left to-day. Father gave him 300 crowns for his
+walking tour, because of the matriculation. I said: "In that case I
+shall matriculate as soon as I can" and Oswald said: "For that one wants
+rather more brains in one's head than you girls have." What cheek, Frau
+Doktor M. passed the Gymnasium matriculation and Frau Doktor Steiner
+passed it too as an extra. Dora said quietly: Maybe I shall show you
+that your sister can matriculate too; anyhow you have always said
+yourself that the chief thing you need to get through the matriculation
+is cheek. Then I had a splendid idea and said: "But we girls have not
+got cheek, we _study_ when we have to pass an examination!" Mother
+wanted us to make it up with him, but we would not. In the evening Dora
+said to me: Oswald is frantically arrogant, though he has had such a lot
+of Satisfactories and has only just scraped through his exam. By the way
+here's another sample of Oswald's stupidity; directly after the wire:
+"Finis with Jubilation" came another which ought to have arrived first,
+for it had been handed in 4 hours earlier, with nothing but the word
+"Through" [Durch]. Mother was frightfully upset by it for she was afraid
+it really meant _failed_ [durchgefallen], and that the other telegram
+had been only an idiotic joke. Dora and I would never condescend to such
+horseplay. Father always says Oswald will sow all his wild oats at the
+university, but he said to-day that he was not going to the university,
+but would study mining, and then perhaps law.
+
+July 29th. It's sickeningly dull here, I simply don't know what to do;
+I really can't read and swing the whole day long, and Dora has become as
+dull as she used to be; that is, even duller, for not only does she
+not quarrel, but she won't talk, that is she won't talk about _certain
+things_. She is perfectly crazy about the baby of the young couple
+in the mezzanin; he's 10 months old, and I can't see what she sees to
+please her in such a little pig; she's always carrying him about and
+yesterday he made her all wet, I wished her joy of it. It made her
+pretty sick, and I hope it will cure her infatuation.
+
+Thank goodness to-morrow is my birthday, that will be a bit of a change.
+To-morrow we are going to the Parapluie Berg, but I hope we shan't want
+our umbrellas. Father is coming back at 1 so that we can get away at
+2 or half past. Hella has sent me to-day a lock-up box for letters,
+etc.!!! of course filled with sweets and a tremendously long letter to
+tell me how _she_ is getting on in Gastein. But they are only going to
+stay a month because it is frantically expensive, a roll 5 krenzer and
+a bottle of beer 1 crown. And the rolls are so small that one simply has
+to eat 3 for breakfast and for afternoon tea. But it's awfully smart
+in the hotel, several grooms; then there are masses of Americans and
+English and even a consul's family from Sydney in Australia.--I spend
+most of the day playing with two dachshund puppies. They are called Max
+and Moritz, though of course one of them is a bitch. That is really a
+word which one ought not to write, for it means something, at least in
+its other meaning.
+
+
+
+
+THIRD YEAR, AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN
+
+
+THIRD YEAR
+
+
+July 31st. Yesterday was my birthday, the thirteenth. Mother gave me a
+clock with a luminous dial which I wanted for my night-table. Of course
+that is chiefly of use during the long winter nights; embroidered
+collars; from Father, A Bad Boy's Diary, which one of the nurses lent
+Hella when she was in hospital; it's such a delightfully funny book, but
+Father says it's stupid because no boy could have written all that, a
+new racquet with a leather case, an awfully fine one, a Sirk, and tennis
+balls from Dora. Correspondence cards, blue-grey with silver edge.
+Grandfather and Grandmother sent a basket of cherries, red ones, and a
+basket of currants and strawberries; the strawberries are only for me
+for my birthday. Aunt Dora sent three neckties from Berlin for winter
+blouses. In the afternoon we went to the Par.-Berg. It would have been
+awfully jolly if only Mother could have gone too or if Hella had been
+there.
+
+August 1st. I got a letter from Ada to-day. She sends me many happy
+returns, for she thinks it is on the 1st of August, and then comes the
+chief thing. She is frightfully unhappy. She writes that she wants to
+escape from the cramping environment of her family, she simply can't
+endure _the stifling atmosphere of home_. She has been to St. P. to
+see the actor for whom she has such an admiration, he heard her recite
+something and said she had real dramatic talent; he would be willing
+to train her for the stage, but only with her parents' consent. But of
+course they will never give it. She writes that this has made her _so
+nervous_ she feels like crying or raving all day long, in fact she can't
+stand so dismal a life any longer. _I_ am her last hope. She would like
+me to come to stay with them, or still better if she could come and stay
+with us for two or 3 weeks, then she would tell Mother about everything,
+and perhaps it might be possible to arrange for her to live with us in
+Vienna for a year; in the autumn Herr G., the actor, is coming to the
+Raimund Theatre and she could begin her training there. At the end of
+her letter she says that it rests with my discretion and my tact to make
+her the happiest creature in the world! I don't really know what I
+shall be able to do. Still, I've made a beginning; I said I found it
+so frightfully dull--if only Hella were here, or at least Ada, or
+even Marina. Then Mother said: But Marina is away in the country, in
+Carinthia, and it's not likely that Ada will be able to come. Father,
+too, is awfully sorry that I find it so dull, and so at supper he said:
+Would you really like Ada to come here? Certainly her age makes her a
+better companion for you than Dora. You seemed to get on better together
+last year. And then he said to Mother: Do you think it would bother you,
+Berta, to have Ada here? and Mother said, "Not a bit; if Gretel would
+like it; it's really her turn now, Dora came with me to Franzensbad,
+Oswald is having his walking tour, and only our little pet has not had
+anything for herself; would you like it Gretel?" "Oh yes, Mother, I
+should like it awfully, I'll write directly; it's no fun to me to carry
+about that little brat the way Dora does, and jolly as the Bad Boy's
+Diary is I can't read it all day." So I am writing to Ada directly,
+just as if _I_ had thought of it and wanted her to come. I shall be so
+frightfully happy if it all comes off and if Ada really becomes a great
+actress, like Wolter whom Mother is always talking of, then I shall
+have done something towards helping Vienna to have a great actress and
+towards making Ada the happiest creature in the world instead of the
+unhappiest.
+
+August 2nd. In my letter I did not say anything to Ada about our having
+been ennobled, or as Dora says _re-ennobled_, since the family has been
+noble for generations; she will find out about it soon enough when she
+comes here. Mother keeps on saying: Don't put on such airs, especially
+about a thing which we have not done anything particular to deserve. But
+that's not quite fair, for unless Father had done such splendid service
+in connection with the laws or the constitution or something two years
+ago, sometimes sitting up writing all night, perhaps he would never
+have been re-ennobled. Besides, I really can't see why Father and Mother
+should have made such a secret about it last winter. They might just
+as well have let us know. But I suppose Father wanted to give us a real
+surprise. And he did too; Dora's face and the way Oswald cleared his
+throat!! As far as I can make out no one seems to have noticed what sort
+of a face I was making.
+
+August 3rd. I've found out now why Dora is so different, that is why she
+is again just as she was some time ago, before last winter. During the
+4 weeks in Fr. she has _found a real friend in Mother!_ To-day I turned
+the conversation to Viktor, and all she said at first was: Oh, I don't
+correspond with him any more. And when I asked: "Have you had a quarrel,
+and whose fault was it?" she said: "Oh, no, I just _bade him farewell_."
+"What do you mean, bade him farewell; but he's not really going to
+America, is he?" And then she said: "My dear _Rita_, we had better clear
+this matter up; I parted from him upon the well-justified wish of our
+_dear Mother_." I must say that though I'm _awfully, awfully_ fond of
+Mother, I really can't imagine having her as a _friend_. How can one
+have a true friendship with one's own mother? Dora really can't have the
+least idea _what_ a _true friendship_ means. There are some things it's
+impossible for a girl to speak about to her mother, I could not possibly
+ask her: Do you know what, _something has happened_, really means?
+Besides, I'm not quite sure if she does know, for when she was 13 or 15
+or 16, people may have used quite different expressions, and the modern
+phrases very likely did not then mean what they mean now. And what sort
+of a friendship is it when Mother says to Dora: You must not go out now,
+the storm may break at any moment, and just the other evening: Dora you
+_must_ take your shawl with you. Friendship between mother and daughter
+is just as impossible as friendship between father and son. For between
+friends there can be no orders and forbiddings, and what's even more
+important is that one really can't talk about all the things that one
+would like to talk of. All I said last night was: "Of course Mother has
+forbidden you to talk to me about _certain things_; do you call that
+a friendship?" Then she said very gently: "No, Rita, Mother has not
+forbidden me, but I recognise now that it was thoughtless of me to talk
+to you about those things; one learns the seriousness of life quite soon
+enough." I burst out laughing and said: "Is _that_ what you call the
+seriousness of life? Have you really forgotten how screamingly funny we
+found it all? It seemed to me that your memory has been affected by the
+mud baths." She did not answer that. I do hope Ada will come. For _I_
+need _her_ now just as much as _she_ needs _me_.
+
+August 4th. Glory be to God, Ada's coming, but not directly because they
+begin their family washing on the 5th and no one can be spared to come
+over with her till the 8th. I am so glad, the only thing I'm sorry about
+is that _she_ will sleep in the dressing-room and not Dora. But Mother
+says that Dora and I must stay together and that Ada can leave the door
+into the dining-room open so that she won't feel lonely.
+
+August 7th. The days are so frightfully long. Dora is as mild and
+gentle as a nun, but she talks to me just as little as a nun, and she's
+eternally with Mother. The two dachshunds have been sold to some one in
+Neulengbach and so it is so horribly dull. Thank goodness Ada is coming
+to-morrow. Father and I are going to meet her at the station at 6.
+
+August 8th. Only time for a word or two. Ada is more than a head taller
+than I am; Father said: "Hullo you longshanks, how you have shot up. I
+suppose I must treat you as a grown-up young lady now? And Ada said:
+Please, Herr Oberlandesgerichtsrat; please treat me just as you used to;
+I am so happy to have come to stay with you." And her mother said: "Yes,
+unfortunately she is happy anywhere but at home; _that is the way with
+young people to-day_." Father helped Ada out and said: "Frau Haslinger,
+the sap of life was rising in us once, but it's so long ago that we have
+forgotten." And then Frau Dr. H. heaved a tremendous sigh as if she were
+suffocating, and Ada took me by the arm and said under her breath: "Can
+you imagine what my life is like _now_? Her mother is staying the night
+here, and she spent the whole evening lamenting about everything under
+the sun" (that's what Ada told me just before we went to bed); but I did
+not pay much attention to what Frau H. was doing, for I'm positively
+burning with curiosity as to what Ada is going to talk to me about.
+To-morrow morning, directly after breakfast!
+
+August 12th. For 3 days I've had no time to write, Ada and I have had
+such a lot to say to one another. She _can't_ and _won't_ live any
+longer without art, she would _rather die than give up her plans_. She
+still has to spend a year at a continuation school and must then either
+take the French course for the state examination or else the needlecraft
+course. But she wants to do all this in Vienna, so that in her spare
+time she can study for the stage under Herr G. She says she is not in
+love with him any longer, that he is only a _means to an end_. She would
+sacrifice _anything_ to reach her goal. At first I did not understand
+what she meant by anything, but she explained to me. She has read
+Bartsch's novel Elisabeth Kott, the book Mother has too, and a lot of
+other novels about artistic life, and they all say the same thing, that
+_a woman cannot become a true artist until she has experienced a great
+love_. There may be something in it. For certainly a _great love_ does
+make one _different_; I saw that clearly in Dora; when she was madly in
+love with Viktor, and the way she's relapsed now!! She is learning Latin
+again, to make up for lost time! Ada does not speak to her about her
+plans because Dora _lacks true insight!_ Only to-day she mentioned
+before Dora that whatever happened she wanted to come to Vienna in the
+autumn so that she could often go to the theatre. And Dora said: You are
+making a mistake, even people who live in Vienna don't go to the theatre
+often; for first of all one has very little time to spare, and secondly
+one often can't get a seat; people who live in the country often fancy
+that everything is much nicer in Vienna than it really is.
+
+August 14th. Just a word, quickly. To-day when Ada was having a bath
+Mother said to _us two_: "Girls, I've something to tell you; I don't
+want you to get a fright in the night. Ada's mother told me that Ada is
+very nervous, and often walks in her sleep." "I say," said I, "that's
+frightfully interesting, she must be _moonstruck_; I suppose it always
+happens when the moon is full." Then Mother said: "Tell me, Gretel, how
+do you know about all these things? Has Ada talked to you about them?"
+"No," said I, "but the Frankes had a maid who walked in her sleep and
+Berta Franke told Hella and me about it." It has just struck me that
+Mother said: how do you know about all _these_ things? So it must have
+something to do with _that_. I wonder whether I dare ask Ada, or whether
+she would be offended. I'm frightfully curious to see whether she will
+walk in her sleep while she is staying here.
+
+August 15th. Hella's answer came to-day to what I had written her about
+the _friendship_ between Mother and Dora. Of course she does not believe
+either that _that_ is why Dora _bade farewell_ to Viktor, for it is no
+reason at all. Lizzi has never had any particular friendship with her
+mother, and Hella could never dream of anything of the sort; she thinks
+I'm perfectly right, one may be _awfully_ fond of one's parents, but
+there simply can't be any question of a friendship. She would not stand
+it if I were so changeable in my friendships. She thinks Dora can never
+have had a true friendship, and that is why she has taken up with Mother
+now. The Bruckners are coming back on the 19th because everything is so
+frightfully expensive in Gastein. After that most likely they will go to
+stay with their uncle in Hungary, or else to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol. For
+Hella's name day I have sent her A Bad Boy's Diary because she wanted
+to read it again. Now we have both got it, and can write to one another
+which are the best bits so that we can read them at the same time.
+
+August 20th. _Last night Ada really did walk in her sleep_, probably
+we should never have noticed it, but she began to recite Joan of Arc's
+speech from The Maid of Orleans, and Dora recognised it at once and
+said: "I say, _Rita_, Ada really is walking in her sleep." We did not
+stir, and she went into the dining-room, but the dining-room door was
+locked and the key taken away, for it opens directly into the passage,
+and then she knocked up against Mother's sofa and that woke her up. It
+was horrible. And then she lost her way and came into our room instead
+of going into her own; but she was already awake and begged our pardon
+and said she'd been looking for the W. Then she went back to her own
+room. Dora said we had better pretend that we had not noticed it, for
+otherwise we should upset Ada. Not a bit of it, after breakfast she
+said: "I suppose I gave you an awful fright last night; don't be vexed
+with me, I often get up and walk about at night, I simply can't stay in
+bed. Mother says I always recite when I am walking like that; do I? Did
+I say anything?" "Yes," I said, "you recited Joan of Arc's speech." "Did
+I really," said she, "that is because they won't let me go on the stage;
+I'm certain I shall go off my head; if I do, you will know the real
+reason at any rate." This sleep-walking is certainly very interesting,
+but it makes me feel a little creepy towards Ada, and it's perfectly
+true what Dora has always said: One never knows what Ada is really
+looking at. It would be awful if she were really to go off her head.
+I've just remembered that her mother was once in an asylum. I do hope
+she won't go mad while she is staying here.
+
+August 21st. Mother heard it too the night before last. She is so glad
+that she had warned us, and Dora says that if she had not known it
+beforehand she would probably have had an attack of palpitation. Father
+said: "Ada is thoroughly histerical, she has inherited it from her
+mother." In the autumn Lizzi is going to England to finish her education
+and will stay there a whole year. Fond as I am of Ada and sorry as I am
+for her, she makes me feel uneasy now, and I'm really glad that she's
+going home again on Tuesday. She told me something terrible to-day:
+Alexander, he is the actor, has _venereal disease_, because he was
+once an officer in the army; she says that all officers have venereal
+disease, as a matter of course. At first I did not want to show that I
+did not understand exactly what she meant, but then I asked her and
+Ada told me that what was really amiss was that _that_ part of the body
+either gets continually smaller and smaller and is quite eaten away, or
+else gets continually larger because it is so frightfully swollen; the
+last kind is much better than the other, for then an operation can
+help; a retired colonel who lives in H. was operated upon in Vienna for
+_this_; but it did not cure him. There is only one real cure for a man
+with a venereal disease, that a young girl should _give herself_ to a
+man suffering from it! (Mad. often said that too), then she gets the
+disease and he is cured. That made Ada understand that she did not
+really love A., but only wanted him to train her; for she could never
+have done that for him, and she did not know how she could propose
+_that_ to him even _if_ she had been willing to. Besides, it is
+generally the man concerned who asks it of the girl. And when I said:
+"But just imagine, what would you do if you got a baby that way," and
+she said: "That does not come into the question, for when a man has
+venereal disease it is _impossible_ to have a child by him. But after
+all, only a woman who has had a baby can become a true artist." Franke,
+who has a cousin on the stage said something of the same sort to Hella
+and me; but we thought, Franke's cousin is only in the Wiener Theatre,
+and that might be true there; but it may be quite different in the Burg
+Theatre and in the Opera and even in the People's Theatre. I told Ada
+about this, and she said: Oh, well, I'm only a girl from the provinces,
+but I have known for ages that _every_ actress has a child.
+
+23rd. Ada really is a born artist, to-day she read us a passage from a
+splendid novel, but oh, how wonderfully, even Dora said: "Ada, you are
+really phenominal!" Then she flung the book away and wept and sobbed
+frightfully and said: "My parents are sinning against their own flesh
+and blood; but they will rue it. Do you remember what the old gypsy
+woman foretold of me last year: 'A _great_ but _short_ career after
+many difficult struggles; and my line of life is broken!' That will
+all happen as predicted, and my mother can recite that lovely poem of
+Freiligrath's or Anastasius Grun's, or whosever it is 'Love as long
+as thou canst, love as long as thou mayst. The hour draws on, the hour
+draws on, when thou shalt stand beside the grave and make thy moan.'"
+Then Ada recited the whole poem, and when I went to bed I kept on
+thinking of it and could not go to sleep.
+
+August 24th. To-day I ventured to ask Ada about the sleep-walking, and
+she said that it was really so, when she walked in her sleep it was
+always at _that time_ and when the moon is full. The first time, it was
+last year, she did it on purpose in order to frighten her mother, when
+her mother had first told her she would not be allowed to go on the
+stage. It does not seem to me a very clever idea, or that she is likely
+to gain anything by it. The day after to-morrow someone is coming to
+fetch her home, and for that reason she was crying all the morning.
+
+August 25th. Hella was here to-day with her mother and Lizzi. Hella had
+a splendid time in Gastein. She wanted to have a private talk with me,
+to tell me something important. That made it rather inconvenient that
+Ada was still there. Hella never gets on with Ada, and she says too that
+one never really knows what she is looking at, she always looks right
+through one. We could not get a _single minute_ alone together for a
+talk. I do hope Hella will be able to come over once more before she
+goes to Hungary. Last week they went to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol because an
+old friend of her mother's from Berlin is staying there.
+
+August 26th. Ada went home to-day, her father came to fetch her. He says
+she has a screw loose, because she wants to go on the stage.
+
+August 28th. Hella came over to-day; she was alone and I met her at
+the steam tram. At first she did not want to tell me what the important
+thing was because it was _not flattering_ to me, but at last she got
+it out. The Warths were in Gastein, and since Hella knows Lisel because
+they used to go to gym. together, they had a talk, and that cheeky
+Robert said: Is your friend still such a baby as she was that time in
+er . . . er . . ., and then he pretended he could not remember where it
+was; and he spoke of _that time_ as if it had been 10 years ago. But the
+most impudent thing of all was this; he said that I had not wanted to
+call him Bob, because that always made me think of a certain part of
+the body; I never said anything of the kind, but only that I thought
+Bob silly and vulgar, and then he said (it was before we got intimate):
+"Indeed, Fraulein Grete, I really prefer that you should use my full
+name." I remember it as well as if it had happened this morning, and I
+know exactly where he said it, on the way to the Red Cross. Hella took
+him up sharply: That may be all quite true, we have never discussed
+such trifles, and, at that time we were "all, _every one of us_, still
+nothing but children." Of course she meant to include ----. I won't even
+write his name. Another thing that made me frightfully angry is that he
+said: I dare say your friend is more like you now, but at that time she
+was still quite undeveloped. Hella answered him curtly: "That's not the
+sort of phrase that it's seemly to use to a young lady," and she would
+not speak to him any more. I never heard of such a thing, what business
+is it of his whether I am _developed_ or not! Hella thinks that I was
+not quite particular enough in my choice of companions. She says that
+Bob is still nothing but a Bub [young cub]. That suits him perfectly,
+Bob--Bub; now we shall never call him anything but Bub; that is if we
+ever speak of him at all. When we don't like some one we shall call him
+simply Bob, or better still B., for we really find it disagreeable to
+say Bob.
+
+August 31st. The holidays are so dull this year, Hella has gone to
+Hungary, and I hardly ever talk to Dora, at least about anything
+_interesting_. Ada's letters are full of nothing but my promises about
+Vienna. It's really too absurd, I never promised anything, I merely said
+I would speak to Mother about it when I had a chance. I have done so
+already, but Mother said: There can be no question of anything of the
+kind.
+
+September 1st. Hullo, Hurrah! To-morrow Hella's father is going to take
+me to K-- M--in Hungary to stay with Hella. I am so awfully delighted.
+Hella is an angel. When she was ill last Christmas her father said: She
+can ask for anything she likes. But she did not think of anything in
+particular, and had her Christmas wishes anyhow, so she saved up this
+wish. And after she had been here she wrote to her father in Cracow,
+where he is at manoeuvres, saying that if he would like to grant her her
+chief wish, then, when he came back to Vienna, he was to take me with
+him to K-- M--; this was really the _greatest wish_ she had ever had
+in her life! So Colonel Bruckner called at Father's office to-day and
+showed him Hella's letter. To-morrow at 3 I must be at the State Railway
+terminus. Unfortunately that's a horrid railway. The Western Railway is
+much nicer, and I like the Southern Railway better still.
+
+September 2nd. I am awfully excited; I'm going to Vienna alone and I
+have to change at Liesing, I do hope I shall get into the right train.
+I got a letter from Hella first thing this morning, in which she wrote:
+"Perhaps we shall be together again in a few days." That's all she said
+about that; I suppose she did not know yet whether I was really coming.
+Mother will have to send my white blouses after me, because all but one
+are dirty. I'm going to wear my coat and skirt and the pink blouse. I'm
+going to take twenty pages for my diary, that will be enough; for I'm
+going to write whatever happens, in the mornings I expect, because in
+the holidays I'm sure Hella will never get up before 9; on Sundays in
+Vienna she would always like to lie in bed late, but her father won't
+let her.
+
+But whatever happens I won't learn to ride, for it must be awful to
+tumble off before a strange man. It was different for Hella, for Jeno,
+Lajos, and Erno are her cousins, and one of them always rode close
+beside her with his arm round her waist: but that would not quite do in
+my case.
+
+September 6th. Oh it is so glorious here. I like Jeno best, he goes
+about with me everywhere and shows me everything; Hella is fondest of
+Lajos and of Erno next. But Erno has still a great deal to learn, for
+he was nearly flunked in his exam. Next year Lajos will be a lieutenant,
+and this autumn Jeno is going to the military academy, Erno has a slight
+limp, nothing bad, but he can't go into the army; he is going to be a
+civil engineer, not here, he is to go to America some day.
+
+I have time to write to-day, for all 4 of them have gone to S. on their
+cycles and I have never learned.
+
+It was lovely on the journey! It's so splendid to travel with an
+officer, and still more when he is a colonel. All the stationmasters
+saluted him and the guards could not do enough to show their respect. Of
+course everyone thought I was his daughter, for he has always said "Du"
+to me since I was quite a little girl. But to Ada Father always says
+"Sie." We left the train at Forgacs or Farkas, or whatever it is called,
+and Hella's father hired a carriage and it took us 2 hours to drive to
+K-- M--. He was awfully jolly. We had our supper in F., though it was
+only half past 6. It was a joke to see all the waiters tumbling over
+each other to serve him. It s just the same with Father, except that the
+stationmasters don't all salute. Father looks frightfully distinguished
+too, but he is not in uniform.
+
+Here is something awfully interesting: Herr von Kraics came yesterday
+from Radufalva, his best friend left him the Radufalva estate out of
+gratitude, because 8 years ago he gave up his fiancee with whom the
+friend was in love. It's true, Colonel Bruckner says that K. is a
+wretched milksop; but I don't think so at all; he has such fiery eyes,
+and looks a real Hungarian nobleman. Hella says that he used to run
+himself frantically into debt, because every six months he had an
+_intimacy_ with some new woman; and all the presents he gave _reduced
+him almost to beggary_. Still, it's difficult to believe that, for
+however fond a woman may be of flowers and sweets, one does not quite
+see why that should reduce anyone to beggary. Before we went to sleep
+last night Hella told me that Lajos had already been "infected" more or
+less; she says there is not an officer who has not got venereal disease
+and that is really what makes them so frightfully interesting. Then I
+told her what Ada had told me about the actor in St. P. But Hella said:
+I doubt if that's all true; of course it is more likely since he was
+an actor, and especially since he was in the army at one time, but
+generally speaking civilians are _wonderfully_ healthy!!! And she could
+not stand that in her husband. Every officer has _lived_ frantically;
+that's a polite phrase for having had venereal disease, and she would
+never marry a man who had not _lived_. Most girls, especially when
+they get a little older; want the very opposite! and then it suddenly
+occurred to me that _that_ was probably the _real_ reason why Dora _bade
+farewell_ to _Lieutenant R_., and not the _friendship with Mother_;
+it is really awfully funny, and no one would have thought it of her.
+Hella's father thinks me _charming_; he is really awfully nice. Hella's
+uncle hardly ever says anything, and when he does speak he is difficult
+to understand; Hella's father says that his sister-in-law wears the
+breeches. That would never do for me; the man must be the _master_. "But
+not too much so" says Hella. She always gets cross when her father says
+that about wearing breeches. I got an awful start yesterday; we went
+out on the veranda because we heard the boys talking, and found Hella's
+great uncle lying there on an invalid couch. She told me about him once,
+that he's quite off his head, not really paralysed but only pretends to
+be. Hella is terribly afraid of him, because long ago, when she was only
+9 or 10 years old, he wanted to give her a thrashing. But her uncle came
+in, and then he let her go. She says he was only humbugging, but she is
+awfully afraid of him all the same. He keeps his room, and he has a male
+attendant, because no nurse can manage him. He ought really to be in an
+asylum but there is no high class asylum in Hungary.
+
+September 9th. There was a frightful rumpus this morning; the great
+uncle, the people here call him "kutya mog" or however they spell it,
+and it means _mad dog_, well, the great uncle _spied in on us_. He can
+walk with a stick, our room is on the ground floor, and he came and
+planted himself in front of the window when Hella was washing and I was
+just getting out of bed. Then Hella's father came and made a tremendous
+row and the uncle swore horribly in Hungarian. Before dinner we
+overheard Hella's father say to Aunt Olga: "They would be dainty morsels
+for that old swine, those innocent children." We did laugh so, _we_
+and _innocent children!!!_ What our fathers really think of us; we
+innocent!!! At dinner we did not dare look at one another or we should
+have exploded. Afterwards Hella said to me: "I say, do you know that we
+have the same name day?" And when I said: "What do you mean, it seems to
+me you must have gone dotty this morning," she laughed like anything
+and said: "Don't you see, December 27th, Holy Innocents' Day!" Oh it
+did tickle me. She knew that date although she's a Protestant because
+December 27th is Marina's birthday, and in our letters we used to speak
+of that deceitful cat as "The Innocent."
+
+The three boys and I have begun to use "Du" to one another, at supper
+yesterday Hella's father said to Erno: "You seem frightfully ceremonious
+still, can't you make up your minds to drop the 'Sie?'" So we clinked
+glasses, and afterwards when Jeno and I were standing at the window
+admiring the moon, he said: "You Margot, that was not a real pledge of
+good-fellowship, we must kiss one another for that; hurry up, before
+anyone comes," and before I could say No he had given me a kiss. After
+all it was all right as it was Jeno, but it would not have done with
+Lajos, for it would have been horrid because of Hella, or Ilonka as they
+call her here.
+
+Hella has just told me that they saw us kissing one another, and Lajos
+said: "Look Ilonka, they are setting us a good example." We are so
+awfully happy here. It's such a pity that on the 16th Jeno and Lajos
+have got to leave for the Academy, where Jeno is to enter and Lajos is
+in his third year: Erno, the least interesting of the three, is staying
+till October. But that is always the way of life, beautiful things pass
+and the dull ones remain. We go out boating every day, yesterday and
+to-day by moonlight. The boys make the boat rock so frightfully that we
+are always terrified that it will upset. And then they say: "You have
+your fate in your own hands; buy your freedom and you will be as safe as
+in Abraham's bosom."
+
+September 12th. The great uncle _hates us_ since what happened the other
+day; whenever he sees us he threatens us with his stick, and though we
+are not really afraid, because he can't do anything to us, still it's
+rather creepy. One thinks of all sorts of things, stories and sagas one
+has read. That is the only thing I don't quite like here. But we are
+leaving on the 18th. Of course Lajos and Jeno will often come to see
+the Bruckners; I'm awfully glad. I don't know why, I always fancied that
+they could only speak Magyar; but that is not so at all, though they
+always speak it at home when they are alone. Hella told me to-day for
+the first time that all the flowers on the table by her bed one Sunday
+in hospital had been sent by Lajos; and she did not wish to tell me at
+that time because he wished her to keep it a secret. This has made me
+rather angry, for I see that I have been much franker with her than she
+has been with me.
+
+September 16th. The boys left to-day, and we stayed up till midnight
+last night. We had been to N-- K--, I don't know how to spell these
+Hungarian names, and we did not get back till half past 11. It was
+lovely. But it seems all the sadder to-day, especially as it is raining
+as well. It's the first time it's rained since I came. Partings are
+horrid, especially for the ones left behind; the others are going to new
+scenes anyhow. But for the people left behind everything is hatefully
+dull and quiet. In the afternoon Hella and I went into Jeno's and Lajos'
+room, it had not been tidied up yet and was in a frightful mess. Then
+Hella suddenly began sobbing violently, and she flung herself on Lajos'
+bed and kissed the pillow. _That_ is how she loves him! I'm sure _that_
+is the way Mad. loves the lieutenant, but Dora is simply incapable of
+_such_ love, and then she can talk of her _true and intimate friendship
+with Mother_. Hella says she has always been in love with Lajos, but
+that _her eyes were first opened_ when she saw Jeno and me going
+about together and talking to one another. Now she will love Lajos for
+evermore. Next year they will probably get engaged, she can't be engaged
+till she is 14 for her parents would not allow it. It is for her sake
+that he is going into the Hussars because she likes the Hussars best.
+They all _live frightfully hard_, and are tremendously smart.
+
+September 21st. Since Saturday we have been back In Vienna, and Father,
+Mother, and Dora came back from Rodaun on Thursday. Dora really is too
+funny; since Ada stayed with us and walked in her sleep Dora is afraid
+she has been _infected_. She does not seem to know what the word really
+means! And while I was away she slept with Mother, and Father slept in
+our room, because she was afraid to sleep alone. Of course no one takes
+to walking in their sleep simply from sleeping alone, but that was only
+a pretext; Dora has never been very courageous, in fact she is rather
+a coward, and she was simply afraid to sleep alone. If Father had been
+afraid too, I suppose I should have had to come back post-haste, and
+if I had been afraid to travel alone, and there had been no one to come
+with me, that would have been a pretty state of affairs. I told them so.
+Father laughed like anything at my "_combinations_," and Dora got in a
+frightful wax. She is just as stupid and conceited as she was _before_
+she fell in love. So Hella is right when she says: Love enobles
+[veredelt]. Erno made a rotten joke about that when he heard Hella say
+it once. He said: "You've made a slip of the tongue, you meant to say:
+Love makes fools of people [vereselt]." Of course that's because he's not
+in love with anyone.
+
+September 22nd. School began again to-day. Frau Doktor M. is perfectly
+fascinating, she looks splendid and she said the same to both of us.
+Thank goodness she's the head of our class again. In French we have a
+new mistress Frau Doktor Dunker, she is perfectly hideous, covered with
+pimples, a thing I simply can't stand in any one; Hella says we must be
+careful never to let her handle our books; if she does we might catch
+them. In Maths and Physics we have another new mistress, she is a Doktor
+too, and she speaks so fast that none of us can understand her; but
+she looks frightfully clever, although she is very small. We call her
+"_Nutling_" because she has such a tiny little head and such lovely
+light-brown eyes. Otherwise the staff is the same as last year, and
+there are a few new girls and some have left, but only ones we did not
+know intimately. This is Franke's last year at the Lyz., she will be
+16 in April and has a splendid figure. Her worst enemy must admit that.
+Dora is having English lessons from the matron, and she is _awfully
+pleased_ about it, for she is one of her favourites and it will help her
+too in her matriculation.
+
+September 25th. Yesterday and the day before Mother was so ill that the
+doctor had to be sent for at half past 10 at night. Thank goodness she
+is better now. But on such days I simply can't write a word in my diary;
+I feel as if I oughtn't to. And the days seem everlasting, for nobody
+talks much, and it's awful at mealtimes. Mother was up again to-day,
+lying on the sofa.
+
+September 29th. I've had such an awful toothache since the day before
+yesterday. Dora says it's only an ache for a gold filling like Frau
+Doktor M.'s. Of course that's absurd; for first of all, surely I ought
+to know whether my own tooth hurts or not, and secondly the dentist says
+that the tooth really is decayed. I have to go every other day and
+I can't say I enjoy it. At the same time, this year we have such a
+frightful lot to learn at school. The Nutling is really very nice, if
+one could only understand better what she says, but she talks at such a
+rate that in the Fifth, where she teaches too, they call her Waterfall.
+Nobody has ever given Frau Doktor M. a nickname, not even an endearing
+one. The only one that could possibly be given to her is Angel, and that
+could not be a real name, it's quite unmeaning. In the drawing class we
+are going to draw from still life, and, best of all, animal studies too,
+I am so delighted.
+
+October 4th. Goodness, to-day when we were coming home from the Imperial
+Festival, we met Viktor in M. Street, but unfortunately he did not see
+us. He was in full-dress uniform and was walking with 3 other officers
+whom neither I nor Hella know. We were frightfully angry because he
+did not recognise us; Hella thinks it can only be because we were both
+wearing our big new autumn hats, which shade our faces very much.
+
+October 11th. There was a frightful row in the drawing lesson to-day.
+Borovsky had written a note to one of her friends: "The little Jewess,
+F. (that means the Nutling) is newly imported from Scandalavia with her
+horsehair pate with or without inhabitants." Something of that sort
+was what she had written and as she was throwing it across to Fellner,
+Fraulein Scholl turned round at that very moment and seized the note.
+"Who is F.?", she asked, but no one answered. That made her furious and
+she put the note in her pocket. At 1 o'clock, when the lesson was over,
+Borovsky went up to her and asked her for the note. Then she asked once
+more: "Who is F.?" And Fellner, thinking I suppose that she would help
+Borovsky out, said: "She forgot to write Frau Doktor Fuchs." Then the
+row began. I can't write it all down, it would take too long; of course
+Borovsky will be expelled. She cried like anything and begged and
+prayed, and said she did not mean it, but Fraulein Scholl says she is
+going to give the letter to the head.
+
+October 12th. Continuation; the head is laid up with a chill, so Frl.
+Scholl gave the note to Frau Doktor M.; that was both good and bad. Good
+because Borovsky will perhaps be able to stay after all, and bad because
+Frau Doktor M. was frightfully angry. She gave us a fine lecture about
+True Good Manners, simply splendid. I was so glad that I was not mixed
+up in the business, for she did give Borovsky and Fellner a rating. It's
+probably true, then, that her own fiance is a Jew. Its horrible that
+_she_ above all should be going to have a cruel husband; at least if all
+that Resi told us is true; and I expect there is some truth in it. We
+are frightfully curious to know whether the Nutling has heard anything
+about it and if so what she will do.
+
+October 13th. I don't think the Nutling can have heard anything for she
+seemed just as usual; but Hella thinks and so do I that she would not
+show anything even if Frl. Scholl had told her; anyhow it was horridly
+vulgar; one is not likely to pass it on to the person concerned. Why we
+think she does not know anything is that neither Borovsky nor Fellner
+were called up.
+
+October 14th. To-day the needlewoman brought Dora's handkerchiefs
+with her monogram and the coronet, lovely; I want some like them for
+Christmas. And for Mother she has embroidered six pillow-cases,
+these have a coronet too; by degrees we shall have the coronet upon
+everything. By the way, here is something I'd forgotten to write: In one
+of the first days of term Father gave each of us one of his new visiting
+cards with the new title, I was to give mine to Frau Doktor M. and Dora
+hers to Frau Prof. Kreidl, to have the names properly entered in the
+class lists. Frau Prof. Kreidl did not say anything, but Frau Doktor M.
+was awfully sweet. She said: "Well, Lainer, I suppose you are greatly
+pleased at this rise in rank?" And I said: "Oh yes, I'm awfully
+delighted, but only inside," then she said: That's right; "Religion,
+name, and money do not make the man." Was not that charming! I write the
+v before my name awfully small; but anyone who knows can see it. What a
+shame that she is not noble! _She_ would be worthy of it!!
+
+October 15th. Oswald has gone to Leoben to-day, he is to study mining,
+but _against_ Father's will. But Father says that no one must be forced
+into a profession, for if he is he will always say throughout life that
+he only became this or that on compulsion. The other evening Dora said
+that Oswald had only chosen mining in order to get away from home; if he
+were to study law or agricultural chemistry he could not get away from
+Vienna, and that is the chief thing to him. Besides, he is a bit of a
+humbug; for when he came home from Graz after matriculation he said in
+so many words: "How delightful to have one's legs under one's own table
+again and to breathe the _family atmosphere_." Dora promptly said to
+him: "Hm, you don't seem to care so very much about home, for always
+when you come home for the holidays the first thing you do is to make
+plans for getting away." For she is annoyed too that Oswald can
+travel about wherever he likes. And yet he goes on talking about being
+"_subjected to intolerable supervision"!!_ What about us? He can stay
+out until 10 at night and _never_ comes to afternoon tea, and in fact
+does just what he likes. If I go to supper with Hella and am just ever
+so little late, there's a fine row. As for the lectures poor Dora had
+to endure when Viktor was waiting for her, I shall never forget them.
+Of course she denies it all now, but I was present at some of them so
+I know; otherwise he would not have called me "the Guardian Angel." She
+behaves now as if she had forgotten all about that, so I often remind
+her of it on purpose when we are alone together. The other day she said:
+"I do beg you, Grete (not Rita), don't speak any more of that matter; I
+have buried the affair for ever." And when I said: "Buried, what do you
+mean? A true love can't simply be _buried_ like that," she said: "It was
+not a true love, and that's all there is to say about it."
+
+October 16th. I had a frantically anxious time in the arithmetic lesson
+to-day. All of a sudden Hella flushed dark red and I thought to myself:
+Aha, that's it! And I wrote to her on my black-line paper: Has it
+begun??? for we had agreed that she would tell me directly, she will be
+14 in February and _it_ will certainly begin soon. Frau Doktor F. said:
+Lainer, what was that you pushed over to Br.? and she came up to
+the desk and took the black-line paper. "What does that mean: Has it
+begun???" Perhaps she really did not know what I meant, but several of
+the girls who knew about it too laughed, and I was in a terrible fright.
+But Hella was simply splendid. "Excuse me, Frau Doktor, Rita asked
+whether the frost had begun yet." "And that's the way you spend your
+time in the mathematics lesson?" But thank goodness that made things all
+right. Only in the interval Hella said that really I am inconceivably
+stupid sometimes. What on earth did I want to write a thing like that
+for? _When_ it begins, _of course_ she will let me know directly. As a
+matter of fact it has _not_ begun yet. We have agreed now that it will
+be better to say "Endt," a sort of portmanteau word of _developed_
+[entwickelt] and _at last_ [endlich] . That will really be splendid
+and Hella says that I happened upon it in a lucid interval. It's really
+rather cheeky of her, but after all one can forgive anything to one's
+friend. She absolutely insists that I must never again put her in such
+a fix in class. Of course it happened because I am always thinking: Now
+then, this is the day.
+
+November 8th. On Father's and Dora's birthday Mother was so ill that
+we did not keep it at all. I was in a terrible fright that Mother was
+seriously ill, or even that -- -- -- -- -- No, I won't even think it;
+one simply must not write it down even if one is not superstitious. Aunt
+Dora came last week to keep house for Mother. We are not going skating,
+for we are always afraid that Mother might get worse just when we are
+away. As soon as she is able to get up for long enough Father is going
+to take her to see a specialist in the _diseases of women_; so it must
+be true that Mother's illness comes from _that_.
+
+November 16th. Oh it's horrible, Mother has to have an operation; I'm so
+miserable that I can't write.
+
+November 19th. Mother is so good and dear; she wants us to go skating to
+take our thoughts off the operation. But Dora says too that it would be
+brutal to go skating when Mother is going to have an operation in a few
+days. Father said to us yesterday evening: "Pull yourselves together
+children, set your teeth and don't make things harder for your poor
+Mother." But I can't help it, I cry whenever I look at Mother.
+
+November 23rd. It is so dismal at home since Mother went away; we had
+to go to school and we believed she would not leave until the afternoon,
+but the carriage came in the morning. Dora says that Father had arranged
+all that because I could not control myself. Well, who could? Dora cries
+all day; and at school I cried a lot and so did Hella.
+
+November 28th. Thank goodness, it's all safely over, Mother will be
+home again in a fortnight. I'm so happy and only now can I realise how
+_horribly_ anxious I have been. We go every day to see Mother at the
+hospital; I wish I could go alone, but we always go all together, that
+is either with Father or with Aunt Dora. But I suspect that Dora does
+go to see Mother quite alone, she gave herself away to-day about the
+flowers, she behaves as if Mother were only _her_ mother. On Thursday,
+the first time we saw Mother, we all whispered, and Mother cried,
+although the operation had made her quite well again. Unfortunately
+yesterday, Aunt Alma was there when we were, and Father said that seeing
+so many people at once was too exciting for Mother, and we must go away.
+Of course he really meant that Aunt Alma and Marina had better go away,
+but Aunt did not understand or would not. Why on earth did Aunt come?
+We hardly ever meet since the trouble about Marina and that jackanapes
+Erwin; only when there is a family party; Oswald says it's not a family
+gathering but a family dispersal because nearly always some one takes
+offence.
+
+November 30th. To-day I managed to be _alone_ with Mother. At school I
+said I had an awfully bad headache and asked if I might go home before
+the French lesson; I really had. What I told Mother was that Frau Doktor
+Dunker was ill, so we had no lesson. Really one ought not to tell lies
+to an invalid, but this was a _pious fraud_ as Hella's mother always
+calls anything of the sort, and no one will find out, because Frau
+Doktor Dunker has nothing to do with the Fourth, so Dora won't hear
+anything about it. Mother said she was _awfully pleased_ to be able to
+see _me_ alone for once. That absolutely proves that Dora does go alone.
+Mother was so sweet, and Sister Klara said she was a perfect angel in
+goodness and patience. Then I burst out crying and Mother had to soothe
+me. At first, after I got home, I did not want to say anything about it,
+but when we were putting on our things after dinner to go and see Mother
+I said en passant as it were: "This is the second time I shall be seeing
+Mother to-day." And when Dora said: What do you mean? I said quite
+curtly: "One of our lessons did not come off, and so I took the chance
+_too_ of being able to see Mother _alone_." Then she said: Did the
+porter let you in without any trouble? It surprises me very much that
+such _very_ young girls, who are almost children still, are allowed to
+go in alone. Luckily Aunt came in at that moment and said: "Oh well,
+nobody thinks Gretl quite a child now, and _both of you_ can go alone to
+the hospital all right." On the way we did not speak to one another.
+
+December 5th. For St. Nicholas day we took Mother a big flower pot, and
+tied to the stick was a label on which Father had written; "Being ill
+is punishable as an unpermissible offence in the sense of Section 7 the
+Mothers' and Housewives' Act." Mother was frightfully amused. The doctor
+says she is going on nicely, and that she will be able to come home in a
+few days.
+
+December 6th. It was awful to-day. In the evening when we were leaving
+the dining-room Father said: "Gretl you have forgotten something." And
+when I came back he took me by the hand and said: "Why didn't you tell
+me that you want so much to see Mother _alone_? You need not make such
+a secret of it." And then I burst out crying and said: "Yes, I need not
+keep it secret from you, but I don't like Dora to know all about it.
+Did she tell you what happened the other day?" But Father does not know
+anything about my pretended headache, but only that I wanted so much to
+see Mother alone. He was awfully kind and kissed and petted me, saying:
+"You are a dear little thing, little witch, I hope you always will be."
+But I got away as quick as I could, for I felt so ashamed because of my
+fibbing. If it were not for Dora I'm sure I should never tell any lies.
+
+December 6th. Father is an angel. He and I went to see Mother in the
+morning, and Aunt and Dora went in the afternoon. And since Father had
+to go into the Cafe where he had an appointment with a friend, I went on
+alone to see Mother and he came in afterwards. Mother asked me about my
+Christmas wishes; but I told her I had only one wish, that she should
+get well and live for ever. I was awfully glad that Dora was not there,
+for I could never have got that out before her. Still, she made me
+tell her my wishes after all, so I said I wanted handerkerchiefs with
+"monogram and coronet," visiting cards with _von_, a satchel like that
+which most of the girls in the _higher_ classes have, and the novel
+Elizabeth Kott. But I am not to have the novel, for Mother was horrified
+and said: My darling child, that's not the sort of book for you; who on
+earth put that into your head; Ada, I suppose? From what I know of your
+tastes, it really would not suit you at all. So I had to give that up,
+but I'm certain I should not find the book stupid.
+
+December 11th. Mother came home again to-day; we did not know what time
+she was coming, but only that it was to be to-day. And because I was
+so glad that Mother is quite well again, I sang two or three songs, and
+Mother said: That is a good omen when one is greeted with a song.
+Then Dora was annoyed because _she_ had not thought of singing. We had
+decorated the whole house with flowers.
+
+December 15th. I am embroidering a cushion for Mother and Dora is
+making her a footstool so that she can sit quite comfortably when she is
+reading. For Father we have bought a new brief bag because his own is so
+shabby that it makes us quite ashamed; but he always says: "It will do
+for a good while yet." For a long time I did not know what to get for
+Aunt Dora, and at length we have decided upon a lace fichu; for she is
+awfully fond of lace. I am giving Hella a sketch book and a pencil case;
+she draws beautifully and will perhaps become an artist, for Dora I am
+getting a vanity bag and for Oswald a cigarette case with a horse's head
+on it, for he is frightfully taken up with racing and the turf.
+
+December 16th. Owing to Mother's illness I've had simply no time to
+write anything about the school, although there has been a _great
+deal_ to write about, for example that Prof. W. is very friendly again,
+although he no longer gives us lessons, and that most of the girls can't
+bear the Nutling because she makes such favourites of the Jewish girls.
+It's quite true that she does, for example Franke, who is never any
+good, will probably get a Praiseworthy in Maths and Physics; and she
+lets Weinberger do anything she likes. I always get Excellent both
+for school work and prep.; so it really does not matter to me, but
+Berbenowitsch is frightfully put out because she is no longer the
+favourite as she was with Frau Doktor St. The other day it was quite
+unpleasant in the Maths lesson. In the answer to a sum there happened
+to be 1-3, and then the Nutling asked what 1-3 would be as a decimal
+fraction; so we went on talking about recurring [periodic] decimals and
+every time she used the word _period_, some of the girls giggled, but
+luckily some of them were Jews, and she got perfectly savage and simply
+screamed at us. In Frau Doktor St's lesson in the First, some of the
+girls giggled at the same thing and she went on just as if she had not
+noticed it, but afterwards she always spoke of _periodic places_, and
+then one does not think of the real meaning so much. Frau Doktor F. said
+she should complain to Frau Doktor M. about our unseemly behaviour.
+But really all the girls had not giggled, for ex. Hella and I simply
+exchanged glances and understood one another at once. I can't endure
+that idiotic giggling.
+
+December 20th. Oswald came home to-day; he's fine. It's quite true that
+he has really had a moustache for a long time, but was not allowed to
+grow it at the Gymnasium; in boarding schools the barber comes every
+Saturday, and they _have_ to be shaved. He always says that at the
+Gymnasium everything manly is simply suppressed. I am so glad I am not
+a man and need not go to Gymnasium. Anyhow he has a splendid moustache
+now. Hella did not recognise him at first and drew back in alarm, she
+only knew him after a moment by his voice. We have reckoned it up, and
+find that she has not seen him since the Easter before last. At first
+he called her Fraulein, but her mother said: Don't be silly. It did not
+seem silly to me, but most polite!!!
+
+December 23rd. Mother is so delighted that Oswald is home again and he
+really is awfully nice; he is giving her a wonderful flowers-of-iron
+group representing a mountain scene with a forest, and in the foreground
+some roe deer as if in a pasture.
+
+December 25th. Only time for a few words. Mother was very well
+yesterday, and it has not done her any harm to stay up so long. I am so
+happy. We both got a tie pin with a sapphire and 3 little diamonds, they
+have been made out of some earrings which Mother never wears now. But
+the nice thing about it is that they are made from her earrings.
+The satchel and Stifter's Tales are awfully nice and so are the
+handkerchiefs with the coronet and everything else. Hella gave me a
+reticule with my monogram and the coronet as well. Oswald has given Dora
+and me small paperweights and Father a big one, bronze groups. We really
+need two writing tables, but there is no room for two. So I am going
+to arrange the little corner table as my writing table and have all my
+things there.
+
+December 27th. At the Bruckners yesterday it was really awful. Hella's
+mother is perfectly right; when anyone looks like _that_ she ought not
+to pay visits when she knows that other people may be there. Hella told
+me the day before yesterday how frightfully noticeable it is in her
+cousin that she is in an i-- c--! Her mother was very much put out on
+her account and she wanted to prevent Emmy's standing up. We were simply
+disgusted and horrified. But her husband is awfully gentle with her; She
+is certainly not pretty and especially the puffiness under her eyes is
+horrid. They say that many women look like that when they are pr. She
+was wearing a _maternity dress_, and that gives the whole show away!
+Hella says that some women look awfully pretty when they are in an i--
+c--, but that some look hideous. I do hope I shall be one of the first
+kind, if I ever . . . No, it is really horrible, even if it makes one
+pretty; when I think of Frau von Baldner and what she looked like last
+summer, yet Father has always said she is a a perfect beauty. Really no
+one is pretty in an i-- c--. Soon after tea Hella and I went up to her
+room, and she said it had really been too much for her and that she
+could not have stood it much longer. And we went on talking about it for
+such a long time, that it really made both of us nearly ill. On Sunday
+Emmy and her husband are coming to dine with the Brs., and Hella begged
+me to ask her to dinner with us, or she would be quite upset. So of
+course she is coming here and thank goodness that will save her from
+feeling ill. And then she said that I must not think she wanted to come
+to us because of Oswald, but only for that _other_ reason. I understand
+that perfectly well, and she does not need to make any excuses to me.
+
+29th. Hella came to dinner to-day, she was wearing a new dress, a light
+strawberry colour, and it suited her admirably. In the evening Oswald
+said: "two or three years more, and Hella will look ripping." It does
+annoy me so this continual _will_. Hella's father simply said of me
+that I _was_ charming,, and not that idiotic: I _was going to become_
+charming. I do hate the way people always talk out into the future.
+However, Oswald paid Hella a great deal of attention. In the afternoon,
+when Hella and I were talking about him, I wanted to turn the
+conversation to Lajos, but she flushed up and said he was utterly false,
+for since October he had only been to see them once, on a Sunday, just
+when they were going to the theatre. Of course he says he does not care
+a jot about the visits unless he can see her alone. She can't realise
+that that shows the greatness of his love. I understand it perfectly.
+But it is really monstrous that Jeno has asked after me only once, quite
+casually. And he really might have sent me a card at Christmas. But
+that's what young men are like. The proverb really applies to them: Out
+of sight out of mind.
+
+December 30th. Frau Richter called to-day, but only in the morning for a
+quarter of an hour. Not a word was said about Viktor, though I stayed in
+the drawing-room on purpose. Dora did not put in an appearance, though
+I'm sure she was at home. He is extraordinarily like his mother, he has
+the same lovely straight nose, and the small mouth and well-cut lips;
+but he is very tall and she is quite small half a head shorter than
+Mother. We owe them a call, but I don't much think that we shall go.
+
+December 31st. I really have no time, since this is New Year's Eve, but
+I simply _must_ write. Dora and I went skating this morning, and we met
+Viktor on the ice; he went frightfully pale, saluted, and spoke to us;
+Dora wished to pass on, but he detained her and said that she must allow
+him to have a talk, so he came skating with us since she would not go to
+a confectioner's with him. She was certainly quite right not to go to
+a confectioner's. Of course I don't know what they talked about, but in
+the afternoon Dora cried frightfully, and Viktor never said good-bye to
+me; it's impossible that he can have forgotten, so either I must have
+been too far away at the time, or else Dora did not want him to; most
+likely the latter. I'm frantically sorry for him, for he is passionately
+in love with her. But she won't come to her senses until it is too
+late. I don't think she has said a word to Mother either. But all the
+afternoon she was playing melancholy music, and that shows how much she
+had felt it.
+
+January 2nd. Yesterday I had no time to write because we had callers,
+pretty dull for the most part, the Listes and the Trobisches; Julie Tr.
+is such a stupid creature, and I don't believe she knows the first thing
+about _those matters_; Annie is not quite all there, Lotte is the only
+tolerable one. Still, since we played round games for prizes, it was not
+as dull as it might have been, and Fritz and Rudl are quite nice boys.
+In the evening Mother was so tired out that Father said he really must
+put a stop to all this calling; I can't say I care much myself for
+_that_ sort of visits, especially since Dora always will talk about
+_books_. People always talk about such frightfully dull books whenever
+they have nothing else to say. School began again to-day, with a German
+lesson thank goodness. Though I'm not superstitious in general, I must
+say I do like a good beginning. Besides, first thing in the morning we
+met two chimneysweeps, and without our having tried to arrange it in any
+way they passed us on our _left_. That ought to bring good luck.
+
+January 5th. Most important, Hella since yesterday evening -- -- -- --!
+She did not come to school yesterday, for the day before she felt
+frightfully bad, and her mother really began to think she was going to
+have another attack of appendicitis. Instead of that!!! She looks so ill
+and interesting, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her; and
+at first she did not want to tell me what was the matter. But when I
+said I should go away if she did not tell me, she said: "All right, but
+you must not make such idiotic faces, and above all you must not look
+at me." "Very well," I said, "I won't look, but tell me everything about
+it." So then she told me that she had felt frantically bad, as if she
+was being cut in two, much worse than after the appendicitis operation,
+and then she had frantically high fever and shivered at the same time,
+all Friday, and yesterday -- -- -- tableau!! And then her mother told
+her the chief things, though she knew them already. Earlier on Friday
+the doctor had said: "Don't let us be in a hurry to think about a
+relapse, there may be _other!!_ causes." And then he whispered to her
+mother, but Hella caught the word _enlighten_. Then she knew directly
+what time of day it was. She acted the innocent to her mother, as if she
+knew nothing at all, and her mother kissed her and said, now you are not
+a child any more, now you belong among the grown-ups. How absurd, so
+_I_ am still a child! After all, on July 30th I shall be 14 too, and at
+least one month before I shall have it too, so I shan't be a _child_ for
+more than six months more. Hella and I laughed frightfully, but she is
+really a little puffed up about it; she won't admit that she is, but I
+noticed it quite clearly. The only girl I know who did not put on airs
+when that happened was Ada. Because of the school Hella is awfully shy,
+and before her father too. But her mother has promised her not to tell
+him. If only one can trust her!!!
+
+January 7th. Hella came to school to-day _in spite of everything_. I
+kept on looking at her, and in the interval she said: "I have told you
+already that you must not stare at me in that idiotic way, and this is
+the second time I've had to speak to you about it. One must not make
+a joke about such things." I was not going to stand that. One must not
+look at her; very well, in the third lesson I sat turning away from her;
+then suddenly she hooked one of my feet with hers so that I nearly
+burst out laughing, and she said: "Do look round, for that way is even
+stupider." Of course Dunker promptly called us to order, that is, she
+told Hella to go on reading, but Hella said promptly that she felt very
+unwell, and that what she had said to me was, she would have to go
+home at 12. All the girls looked at one another, for they all know
+what _unwell_ means, and Frau Doktor Dunker said Hella had better leave
+directly, but she answered in French--that pleases Dunker awfully--that
+she would rather stay till the end of the lesson. It was simply
+splendid!
+
+January 12th. We went to the People's Theatre to-day to the matinee of
+The Fourth Commandment. The parting from the grandmother was lovely;
+almost everyone was in tears. I managed to keep from crying because Dora
+was only two places from me, and so did Hella, probably for the same
+reason. Anyway she was not paying much attention to the play for in the
+main interval Lajos, who had been in the stalls, came up and said how
+d'you do to Hella and her mother. He wanted to go home with them after
+the performance. Jeno has mumps, it is a horrid sort of illness and if I
+had it I should never admit it. Those illnesses in which one is swelled
+up are the nastiest of all. The Sunday after next Lajos and Jeno have
+been invited to the Brs. and of course they asked me too, I am so glad.
+
+January 18th. I have not written for a whole week, we have such a
+frantic lot of work, especially in French in which we are very backward,
+at least Dunker says so!! She can't stand Madame Arnau, that's obvious.
+For my part I liked Mad. Arnau a great deal better, if only because she
+had no pimples. And Prof. Jordan's History class is awfully difficult,
+because he always makes one find out the causes for oneself; one has to
+learn _intelligently!_, but that is very difficult in History. No one
+ever gets an Excellent from him, except Verbenowitsch sometimes, but
+she learns out of a book, not our class book, but the one on which Herr
+Prof. J. bases his lectures. And because she reads it all up
+beforehand, naturally she always knows all the causes of the war and the
+_consequences_. Really _consequences_ means something quite different,
+and so Hella and I never dare look at one another when he is examining
+us and asks: What were the consequences of this event? Of course the
+Herr Prof. imagined that Franke was laughing at _him_ when she was only
+laughing at _consequences_; and it was impossible for her to explain,
+especially to a gentleman!!!!
+
+January 20th. When Dora and I were coming home from skating to-day we
+met Mademoiselle, and I said how d'you do to her at once, and I was
+asking her how _she_ (much emphasised) was getting on, when suddenly I
+noticed that Dora had gone on, and Mademoiselle said: "Your sister seems
+in a great hurry, I don't want to detain her." When I caught Dora up and
+asked her: "Why did you run away?" she tossed her head and said: "That
+sort of company does not suit me." "What on earth do you mean, you were
+so awfully fond of Mad., and besides she is really lovely." That's true
+enough, she said; but it was awfully tactless of her to tell me of all
+that--you know what. Such an intimacy behind her parents' backs _cannot
+possibly lead to_ happiness. Then I got in such a fearful temper and
+said: "Oh do shut up. Father and Mother did not know anything about
+Viktor either, and you were happy enough then. It is just the secrecy
+that makes one so happy." Then she said very softly: "Dear Grete, you
+too will change your views," and then we did not say another word. But I
+was awfully angry over her meanness; for first of all she wanted to hear
+the whole story, although Mad. never offered to tell her, and now she
+pretends that _she_ did not wish it. If I only knew where to find Mad. I
+would warn her. Anyhow, this day week at 7 I shall take care to be in
+W. Street, and perhaps I may meet her, for she probably has a private
+lesson somewhere in that neighborhood.
+
+January 24th. Mother is very ill again to-day, _in spite of_ the
+operation. I have decided that I won't go on Sunday to the Brs. although
+Jeno will be there, and that I won't wait about for Mademoiselle on
+Monday. I have not told Hella anything about this for she would probably
+say it was very stupid of me, but I would rather not; not because Dora
+has twice spoken to me pointedly about a _clear conscience_, but because
+I don't enjoy anything when Mother is ill.
+
+January 26th. Mother is an angel. Yesterday she asked Aunt Dora: "By the
+way, Dora, has Grete put a fresh lace tucker in her blue frock, ready
+for the Brs. to-morrow?" Then I said: "I'm not going Mother," and Mother
+asked: "But why not, surely not on my account?" Then I rushed up to her
+and said: "I can't enjoy anything when you are ill." And then Mother was
+so awfully sweet, and she wept and said: "_Such moments_ make one forget
+all pains and troubles. But really you _must_ go, besides I'm a good
+deal better to-day, and to-morrow I shall be quite well again." So I
+answered: "All right, I'll go, but only if you are _really_ well.
+But you must tell me _honestly_." But in any case I shan't go to meet
+Mademoiselle on Monday.
+
+January 28th. It was Mathematics to-day at school, so I could not write
+yesterday. We had a heavenly time on Sunday. We laughed till our sides
+ached and Hella was nearly suffocated with laughing. Lajos is enough to
+give one fits; it was absolutely ripping the way he imitated the wife of
+Major Zoltan in the Academy and Captain Riffl. I can hardly write about
+it, for my hand shakes so with laughing when I think of it. And then,
+while Hella and Lajos were singing songs together, Jeno told me that
+every student in the Neustadt has an inamorata, a _real_ one. Mostly in
+Vienna, but some in Wiener Neustadt though that is dangerous because of
+being caught. All the officers know about it, but no one must be found
+out. Then I told him about Oswald's affair and he said: "Oswald was a
+great donkey, you'll excuse me for saying so since he's your brother;
+but really he made a fool of himself. He was only a civilian; it's quite
+different in the army." Then I got cross and said: "That's all very
+well, Jeno, but you are not an officer yourself, so I don't see how you
+can know anything about it." Then he said to Hella: "I say, Ilonka,
+you must keep your friend in better order, she is rather inclined to
+be insubordinate." She is to make a written note of every act of
+_insubordination_, and then he will administer _exemplary_ punishment.
+All very fine, but it will take two to that.
+
+January 30th. I wish I knew whether Mademoiselle really passed through
+W. Street again at 7 o'clock on Monday, for she certainly said very
+distinctly: "Au revoir, ma cherie!" She is so pretty and so pale;
+perhaps she is really ill, and she must be awfully nervous about
+-- -- -- That would be terrible. We wonder whether she knows about
+certain means, but one simply can't tell her.
+
+February 2nd. I've had a wonderful idea and Hella thinks it a positive
+inspiration. We are going to write anonymously to Mademoiselle about
+those means, and Hella will write, so that no one can recognise
+my writing. We think something of that sort must have happened to
+Mademoiselle, for the other day I heard Mother say to Aunt Dora: "If we
+had known that, we should never have engaged her for the children; it
+will be a terrible thing for her parents." And Aunt Dora said: "Yes,
+those are the sort of people who hide their disgrace under the water."
+It seems quite clear, for _disgrace_ means an _illegitimate_ child. And
+the worst of it is, that they know that she has done _that_. We must
+help the poor thing. And _that_ is why Dora is so indignant all of
+a sudden. But how can she know? there is nothing to notice yet in
+Mademoiselle; if there had been I should certainly have seen it, for
+Hella often says I've a keen eye for it. That is quite true, I was the
+first person to notice it in the maid at Prof. Hofer's, when even Father
+had not noticed it.
+
+February 4th. Well, we have written to her, at least Hella has, saying
+there are _such_ means, and that she will find all the details in the
+encyclopedia. We have addressed it to F. M. and signed it "Someone
+who understands you." Unfortunately we shall never be able to find out
+whether she got the letter, but the main thing is that she _should_.
+
+February 7th. What a frightful lot of anxiety a letter can give one! In
+the interval to-day the school servant came up to me and said: Please
+are you Fraulein Lainer of the Third. "There is a letter for you." I
+blushed furiously, for I thought, it must be from Mademoiselle, but my
+blushing made Frau Berger think it must be from a young man: "Really I
+ought to give it to the head mistress; I am not allowed to deliver any
+letters to the pupils, but in your case I will make an exception. But
+please remember if it happens again I shall have to hand it in to the
+office." Then I said: "Frau Berger, I am quite certain it is not from
+a gentleman, but from a young lady," and when she gave it to me I saw
+directly that it really was not from a gentleman but only from Ada!
+It really is too stupid of her! At the New Year she reproached me for
+having broken my word, and now she begs me to enquire at the Raimund
+Theatre or at the People's Theatre whether Herr G. is there; she says
+she can't live without him in St. P. But in the holidays she told me
+that she was not in love with him, that for her he was only _a means to
+an end_. I'm absolutely certain she said that. Nothing will induce me
+to go to enquire at a theatre _office_, and Hella says too that to make
+_such_ a suggestion is a piece of impudence. I shall just write her an
+ordinary letter, telling her what a row she might have got me into at
+school. I really think Ada has a bee in her bonnet, as Father always
+says.
+
+February 10th. I never heard of such a thing! I was sent for to the
+office to-day because the school servant had complained that on two
+occasions I had thrown down some orange peel at the entrance. It's quite
+true that I did drop one piece there yesterday, but I pushed it out of
+the way with my foot into the corner, and as for any other time I know
+nothing about it. But I see which way the wind is blowing. Frau Berger
+thought I would give her some money for that letter; just fancy, how
+absurd, money for a letter like that, I wouldn't give 20 kreuzer for
+such a letter. But since then she's been in a frightfully bad temper, I
+noticed it on Wednesday when we were wiping our shoes at the door. What
+I said to the head was: "It happened only once, and I kicked the peel
+into the corner where no one could tread on it, but I certainly did not
+do it twice, and Bruckner can confirm what I say." Then the head said:
+"Oh well, we need not make a state affair of it, but the next time you
+drop something, please pick it up." Frau Berger is furious, and all we
+girls in our class have decided that while we won't make more mess than
+we need, still, we shan't be too particular. If any one of us happens to
+drop a piece of paper she will just let it lie. Such cheek, one really
+can't stand it!
+
+February 12th. We got our reports to-day. I have not got any
+Satisfactories, only Praiseworthy and Excellent. Father and Mother are
+awfully pleased and they have given each of us 2 crowns. Indeed Dora has
+practically nothing but Excellents, only three Praiseworthies; but she
+studies frantically hard, and she is learning Latin again with Frau
+Doktor M. If she is still teaching the lower classes next year, I shall
+go too, for that way we shall have her for 3 hours longer each week.
+By the way, Franke has actually got Praiseworthy in Maths. and Physics,
+though she's hardly any good. The Nutling seems to give extraordinarily
+good reports, for twice in the Maths. schoolwork Hella has had an
+Unsatisfactory, and yet now in her report she has Praiseworthy. With
+Frau Doktor M. one has really to deserve one's report, and it was just
+the same last year with Fr. Dr. St. The worst of all is with Herr
+Prof. Jordan. Not a single one of us has got an Excellent except that
+deceitful cat Verbenowitsch. To-morrow the Brs. are giving a great
+birthday party because of Hella's 14th birthday. Lajos and Jeno are
+coming and the two Ehrenfelds, because Hella is very fond of them,
+especially Trude, the elder, that is she is 2 days older than Kitty, for
+they are _twins!!_ How awful!!! They only came to the Lyz this year, and
+Hella meets them skating every day, I don't because we have no season
+tickets this year but only take day tickets when we can go, because
+of Mother's illness. I am giving Hella an electric torch with a very
+powerful reflector, so that it really lights up the whole room, and an
+amber necklace.
+
+February 14th. It's a good thing that we have the half-term holiday
+to-day and to-morrow for that gives me time to write all about
+yesterday. It was simply phenomenal! I went to wish Hella many happy
+returns quite early, and I stayed to dinner and Lajos and Jeno had been
+invited to dinner too in the afternoon the 2 Ehrenfelds came and brought
+a box of sweets, and 3 of Hella's girl cousins and two boys, one of whom
+is frightfully stupid and never speaks a word, and several aunts and
+other ladies, for the grown-ups had their friends too. But we did not
+bother about them, for the dining-room, Lizzi's room, and Hella's room
+had been arranged for us. Hella had been sent such a lot of flowers
+that they nearly gave us a headache. At dinner Lajos proposed a toast
+to Hella and another at tea. Hella was splendid, and in the evening she
+said to me: "At 14 one really does become a different being." For in
+proposing his toast Lajos had said that every 7 years a human being
+is completely changed, and Hella thinks that is perfectly true. Thank
+goodness, _in 6 1/2 months I shall change my whole being too_. There
+really did seem to be something different about her, and when we all had
+to blow to extinguish the candles on her birthday cake, all except the
+life-light in the middle, as a sign that the other years have passed,
+she really got quite pale, for she was afraid that in joke or through
+awkwardness some one would blow out her life-light. Thank goodness it
+was all right. I don't much care for such things myself, for I'm always
+afraid that something might happen. Of course I know that it's only a
+superstition, but it would have been horribly unpleasant if anyone
+had blown out the life-light. _Openly!!_ Lajos gave Hella an enormous
+_square_ box of sweets, and _secretly!!_ a silver ring with a heart
+pendant. He wanted her to wear this until it is replaced by a _gold_
+one--the _wedding_ ring. But she can't because of her parents, so she
+begged me to allow her to say that I had given it her, but that would
+not do either because of Father and Mother. _These_ things are such a
+nuisance, and that is why no young man will ever go on living at home
+where one is continually being questioned about everything one has,
+and does, and wears. After tea we sang: "Had I but stayed on my lonely
+Hearth" and other sad songs, because they are the prettiest, and in the
+evening we danced while Hella's Father played for us; and then Elwira,
+the tall cousin, danced the czardas with Lajos, it was wonderful. I've
+never known such a birthday party as yesterday's. It's only possible in
+winter; you can never have anything like it on my birthday, July 30th,
+for the people one is fondest of are never all together at that time.
+Really no one ought to have a birthday in the holiday months, but always
+sometime between the end of September and June. I do wish I were 14, I
+simply can't wait. Hella's mother said to Hella, You are not a child any
+longer, but a grown-up; I do wish I were too!!!
+
+February 16th. We have a new schoolfellow. All the girls and all the
+staff are delighted with her. She is so small she might be only 10, but
+awfully pretty. She has brown curls (Hella says foxy red, but I don't
+agree) hanging down to her shoulders, large brown eyes, a lovely mouth,
+and a complexion like milk and roses. She is the daughter of a bank
+manager in Hamburg; he shot himself, I don't know why. Of course she is
+in mourning and it suits her wonderfully. She has a strong North German
+accent. Frau Doktor Fuchs is simply infatuated with her and the head is
+awfully fond of her too.
+
+February 19th. Hella and I walked home to-day with Anneliese. She is
+called Anneliese von Zerkwitz. Her mother has been so frightfully
+upset by her father's death that she'll probably have to be sent to a
+sanatorium; that is why Anneliese has come to Vienna to stay with her
+uncle. He is a professor and they live in Wiedner Hauptstrasse. Dora
+thinks her charming too, the whole school is in love with her, she is
+going to gym. with us; I am so glad. Of course she won't stand near
+Hella and me because she's so small; but we can always keep an eye on
+her, show her everything, and help her with the apparatus. Hella is a
+trifle jealous and says: "It seems to me that Anneliese has quite taken
+my place in your affections." I said that was not a bit true, but did
+she not think Anneliese awfully loveable? "Yes," said Hella, "but one
+must not neglect old friends on that account." "I certainly shan't do
+anything of the kind; but Anneliese really needs some one who will show
+her everything and explain everything." Besides, the head mistress and
+Frau Doktor M. placed her in front of me and said to us: "Give her a
+helping hand."
+
+February 20th. It's such a pity that I can't ask Anneliese here, for
+Mother has been in bed for the last week. But she is going to Hella's
+on Sunday, and since I am going too of course I am frightfully glad.
+Naturally I would much rather have her here; but unfortunately it's
+impossible because of Mother. Dora thinks that Mother will have to have
+another operation, but I don't believe it, for _such_ an operation can
+only be done _once_. What I can't understand is why there should be
+anything wrong with Mother if the operation was successful. Dora is
+afraid that Mother has cancer, that would be horrible; but I don't
+believe she has, because if one has cancer one can't recover.
+
+February 23rd. It was heavenly at the Bruckners! Anneliese did not
+come until 4, for they don't have dinner until 3. She wore a white
+embroidered frock with black silk ribbons. Hella's mother kissed her
+with tears in her eyes. For her mother really is in a sanatorium because
+is suffering from _nervous_ disease. Anneliese is living with her uncle
+and aunt. But she often cries because of her father and mother. Still,
+she enjoyed herself immensely in the round games, winning all the best
+prizes, a pocket comb and mirror, a box of sweets, a toy elephant, a
+negro with a vase, and other things as well. I won a pen-wiper, a double
+vase, a pencil holder, a lot of sweets, and a note book, Hella won a lot
+of things too, and so did her two cousins and Jenny.
+
+Then we had some music and Anneliese sang the Wacht am Rhein and a lot
+of folk songs; her voice is as sweet as herself. She was fetched at 7, I
+stayed till 8.
+
+March 1st. To-morrow Hella and I have been in vised to Anneliese's. I am
+so awfully glad. I shall ask Mother to let me wear my new theatre blouse
+and the green spring coat and skirt. The temperature went up to 54
+degrees to-day.
+
+March 3rd. Yesterday we went to Anneliese's. She shares a room with her
+cousin; she is only 11 and goes to the middle school, but she is a
+nice girl I expected to find everything frightfully smart at Professor
+Arndt's, but it was not so at all. They have only 3 rooms not
+particularly well furnished. He has retired on a pension, Emmy is their
+granddaughter, she lives with them because her father is in Galicia, a
+captain or major I think. It was not so amusing as at Hella's. We played
+games without prizes, and that is dull; it is not that one plays for the
+sake of the prizes, but what's the use of playing if one does not win
+anything? Then they read aloud to us out of a story book. But what Hella
+and I found exasperating was that Anneliese's uncle said "Du" to us
+both. For Hella is 14, and I shall be 14 in a few months. But Hella
+was quite right; in conversation she said: "At the High School only
+the mistresses say Du to us, the professors _have_ to say Sie."
+Unfortunately he went away soon after, so we don't know whether he took
+the hint. Hella says too that it was not particularly entertaining.
+
+March 9th. Oh dear, Mother really has got cancer; of course Father has
+not told us so, but she has to have another operation. Dora has cried
+her eyes out and my knees are trembling. She's going to hospital on
+Friday. Aunt Dora is coming back on Thursday and will stay here till
+Mother is well again. I do so dread the operation, and still more
+Mother's going away. It's horrible, but still lots of people have cancer
+and don't die of it.
+
+March 22nd. Mother is coming home again tomorrow. Oh I am so glad!
+Everything is so quiet in the hospital and one hardly dares speak in the
+passages. Mother said: "I don't want to stay here any longer, let me go
+back to my children." We went to see Mother in hospital every day and
+took her violets and other flowers, for she was not allowed to eat
+anything during the first few days after the operation. But it's quite
+different now that she's home again. I should have liked to stay away
+from school to-day, but Mother said: "No, children, go to school, do it
+to please me." So of course we went, but I simply could not attend to my
+lessons.
+
+March 24th. Mother is asleep now. She looks frightfully ill and still
+has a lot of pain. I'm sure the doctors can't really understand her
+case; for if they had operated properly she would not still have pain
+after the _second_ operation. I should like to know _what_ Mother has
+been talking to Dora about, for they both cried. Although Dora and I
+are on good terms now, she would not tell me, but said she had promised
+Mother not to speak about it. I can't believe that Mother has told Dora
+a _secret_, but perhaps it was something about marrying. For Dora only
+said: "Besides, Mother did not need to say that to me, for my mind was
+quite made up in any case." I do hate such hints, it's better to say
+nothing at all. As soon as Mother can get up she is going to Abbazia for
+a change, and most likely Dora will go with her.
+
+March 26th. Mother and Dora are going to Abbazzia next week. Dora thinks
+I envy her the journey, and she said: "I would _willingly_ renounce the
+journey and the seaside if only Mother would get well. And this year when
+I have to matriculate, I certainly should not go for pleasure." I'm
+so awfully miserable that I simply can't wear a red ribbon in my hair,
+though red suits me best. I generally wear a black one now, but since
+yesterday a brown one, for Mother said: "Oh, Gretel, do give up that
+black ribbon; it looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all." Of course
+I could not tell Mother _how_ I was feeling, so I took the brown one and
+said the red ribbon was quite worn out.
+
+April 12th. I never get my diary written. It's so gloomy at home for
+Mother is very bad. Oswald is coming home to-morrow for the Easter
+holidays and Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was to have
+gone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, for this year they
+are probably going to take a house for the summer in Mitterbach or
+Mitterberg near Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don't
+feel inclined, and I think Mother is better pleased that I should not;
+for she said: "So I shall have all my three darlings together here at
+Easter." When she said that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out of
+the room so that she might not see me. But she must have seen, for after
+dinner she said: "Gretel, if you really _want_ to go with the Bruckners,
+I should like you to; I should be so glad for you to have a little
+pleasure, you have not had much enjoyment all the winter." And then I
+could not stop myself, and I burst out crying and said: "No, Mother, I
+won't go on any account. All I want is that you should get quite well
+again." And then Mother cried too and said: "Darling, I'm afraid I shall
+never be quite well again, but I should like to stay until you are all
+grown up; after that you won't need me so much." Then Dora came in and
+when she saw that Mother was crying she said that Father had sent
+for me. He hadn't really but in the evening she told me that Mother's
+illness was hopeless, but that I must not do anything to upset her
+or let her see what I was feeling. And then we both cried a lot and
+promised one another that we would always stay with Father.
+
+May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday after Easter. We are all
+so awfully unhappy. Hardly anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Father
+speaks to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay here for good.
+It's not three weeks yet since Mother was buried, but in one way we feel
+as if she had already been dead three years, and in another way one is
+always suddenly wanting to go into her room, to ask her something or
+tell her something. And when we go to bed we talk about her for such a
+long time, and then I dream about her all night. Why should people die?
+Or at least only quite old people, who no longer have anyone to care
+about it. But a mother and a father ought never to die. The night after
+Mother died Hella wanted me to come and stay with them, but I preferred
+to stay at home; but late in the evening I did not dare to go into the
+hall alone, so Dora went with me. Father had locked the door into the
+drawing-room, where Mother was laid out, but all the same it was awfully
+creepy. They did not call me on the 24th until after Mother was dead; I
+should have so liked to see her once more. Good God, why should one die?
+If only I had been called Berta after her; but she did not wish that
+either of us should be called after her, nor did Father wish it in
+Oswald's case.
+
+May 19th. When Mother was buried, one thing made me frightfully angry
+with Dora, at least not really angry but hurt, that _she_ should have
+gone into church and come out of church with Father. For _I_ have always
+gone with Father and Dora has always gone with Mother. And while poor
+Mother was in hospital, Dora went with Aunt. But at the funeral Father
+went with her, and I had to go with Aunt Dora. A few days later I spoke
+to her about it, and she said it was quite natural because she is the
+elder. She said that Oswald ought to have gone with me, that that would
+have been the proper thing. But he went alone. Another thing that annoys
+me is this; when Aunt Dora came here in the autumn, Dora and I sat on
+the same side of the table at dinner and supper, and Aunt sat opposite
+Mother, and when Mother took to her bed her place was left vacant. After
+she died Oswald sat on the fourth side, and now for about a week Dora
+has been sitting in Mother's place. I can't understand how Father can
+allow it!
+
+May 19th. At dinner to-day no one could eat anything. For we had breast
+of veal, and we had had the same thing on the day of poor Mother's
+funeral, and when the joint was brought in I happened to look at Dora
+and saw that she was quite red and was sobbing frightfully. Then I could
+not contain myself any more and said: "I can't eat any breast of veal,
+for on Mother's burial day -- -- --," then I could not say any more, and
+Father stood up and came round to me, and Dora and Aunt Dora burst out
+crying too. And after dinner Aunt promised us that we should never have
+breast of veal again. For tea, Aunt Dora ordered an Ulm cake because we
+had eaten hardly anything at dinner.
+
+May 26th. To-day is the first day of Dora's written matriculation.
+Father wanted her to withdraw because she looks so ill, but she would
+not for she said it would be a distraction for her and that she would
+like to finish with the High School. Next year she is to go to a
+preparatory school for the Gymnasium. She ought really to go to a
+dancing class, for she is nearly 17, but since she is in mourning it is
+quite impossible and of course she does not want to go anyhow. The head
+thought too that Dora would withdraw from the examination because she
+is so overwrought, but she did not want to withdraw. The staff were so
+awfully sweet to us after Mother's death, at least the women teachers
+were. The professors don't bother themselves about our private concerns,
+for they only see us for 1 or 2 hours a week. Frau Doktor Steiner, from
+whom we don't have any lessons this year, was awfully sympathetic; I saw
+plainly that she had tears in her eyes, and Frau Doktor M. was an angel
+as she always is! We did not go to the spring festival on May 20th,
+though Father said we could go if we liked. Hella and Anneliese were
+awfully anxious that I should go; but I would not, and indeed I shall
+never go to any more amusements. No doubt the others enjoyed themselves
+immensely, but for Dora and me it would have been horrible. In the
+evenings I often fancy to myself that it is not really true, that Mother
+has simply gone to Franzensbad and will be back soon. And then I cry
+until my head aches or until Dora says: "Oh Gretel, I do wish you'd
+stop, it's awful." She often cries herself, I can hear her quite well,
+but _I_ never say anything.
+
+June 4th. So Dora looks upon Mother's death as _a sign of God's
+displeasure against Father!_ But what could _we_ have done to prevent
+it? She said, Oh, yes, we did a lot of things we ought not to have done,
+and above all we had secrets from Mother. That is why God has punished
+us. It's horrible, and now that she is always speaking of the eye of God
+and the finger of God it makes me so terribly afraid to go into a dark
+room, because I always feel there is some one there who is eying me and
+wants to seize me.
+
+June 8th. Father is in a frightful rage with Dora; yesterday evening,
+when I opened the drawing-room door and there was Father coming out,
+quite unintentionally I gave a yell, and when Father asked what was the
+matter I told him about God's displeasure; only I did not tell him
+it was against him, but only against Dora and me. And then Father was
+frightfully angry for the first time since Mother's death, and he told
+Dora she was not to upset me with her ill-conditioned fancies, and Dora
+nearly had an attack of palpitation so that the doctor had to be sent
+for. Aunt came to sleep in our room and we both had to take bromide.
+To-day Father was awfully kind to us and said: "Girls, you've no reason
+to reproach yourselves, you have always been good children, and I hope
+you always will be good." Yes, I will be, for Mother's eye watches over
+us. Hella thinks I look very poorly, and she asked me to-day whether
+perhaps . . . . ?? But I told her that I would not talk about such
+things any more, that it would be an offence to my Mother's memory. She
+wanted to say something more, but I said: "No, Hella, I simply won't
+talk about _that_ any more. You can't understand, because your mother is
+still alive."
+
+June 12th. It is awful; just when I did not want to think any more
+about _such_ things, there comes an affair of that very sort! I'm in a
+frightful mess through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a girl
+from the Second came in to our Mathematic lesson and said: "The head
+mistress wishes to see Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the office
+directly." All the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. When we
+came into the office, the door of the head's room was shut and Fraulein
+N. told us to wait. Then the head came out and called me in. Inside a
+lady was sitting, and she looked at me through a lorgnon. "Do you spend
+much time with Zerkwitz?" asked the head. "Yes, said I," and I had a
+foreboding. "This lady is Zerkwitz's mother, she complains that you talk
+about very improper things with her daughter; is it so?" "Hella and I
+never wanted to tell her anything; but she begged us to again and again,
+and besides we thought she really knew it anyhow and only pretended she
+didn't." "_What_ did you think she knew, and what did you talk to her
+about?" broke in Anneliese's mother. "Excuse me," said the head, "I will
+examine the girls; so Bruckner was concerned in the matter too?" "Very
+seldom," said I; "Yes, the chief offender is Lainer, _the girl whose
+mother died recently_." Then I choked down my tears, and said: "We
+should never have said a word about these matters unless Anneliese had
+kept on at us." After that I would not answer any more questions. Then
+Hella was called in. She told me afterwards that she knew what was
+up directly she saw my face. "What have you been talking about to
+Zerkwitz?" Hella would not say at first, but then she said in as few
+words as possible: "About getting babies, and about being married!"
+"Gracious goodness, such little brats, and to talk about _such_ things,"
+said Anneliese's mother. "Such corrupt minds." "We did not believe
+that Anneliese did not _really_ know, or we should never have told
+her anything," said Hella just as I had; she was simply splendid. "As
+regards Alfred, we have nothing to do with that, and we have often
+advised her not to allow him to meet her coming home from school; but
+she would not listen to us." "I am talking about your conversations
+with which you have corrupted the poor innocent child," said Frau von
+Zerkwitz. "She certainly must have known something about it before, or
+she would not have gone with Alfred or wanted to talk about it with us,"
+said Hella. "Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such corruptness
+of mind!" Then we were sent out of the room. Outside, Hella cried
+frightfully, and so did I, for we were afraid there would be a row at
+home. We could not go back into the Mathematic lesson because we had
+been crying such a lot. In the interval Hella walked past Anneliese and
+said out loud: "Traitress!!" and spat at her. For that she was ordered
+out of the ranks. I stepped out of the ranks too, and when Frau
+Professor Kreindl said: "Not you, Lainer, you go on," I said: "Excuse
+me, I spat at her _too_," and went and stood beside Hella. All the girls
+looked at us. It was plain that Frau Prof. Kreindl knew all about it
+already for she did not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 to 12
+Frau Doktor M. said: "Girls, why can't you keep the peace together? This
+continual misconduct is really too bad, and serves only to make trouble
+for you and for your parents and for us." Just before 12 Hella and
+I were summoned to the head's room again. "Girls," she said, "it's
+a horrible business this. Even if your own imaginations have been
+prematurely poisoned, why should you try to corrupt others? As for
+you, Lainer, you ought to be especially ashamed of yourself that such
+complaints should be made of you when your mother has been buried only
+a few weeks." "Excuse me," said Hella, "all this happened in the spring,
+and even earlier, in the winter, for we were still skating at the time.
+Rita's mother was pretty well then. Besides, Zerkwitz was continually
+pestering us to tell her. I often warned Rita, and said: 'Don't
+trust her,' but she was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. Please, Frau
+Direktorin, don't say anything about it to Rita's father, for he would
+be frightfully upset."
+
+Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. She does not want me to
+write that; we are writing together. Hella thinks we must write it all
+down word for word, for one never can tell what use it may be. No one
+ever had a friend like Hella, and she is so brave and clever. "You are
+just as clever," she says, "but you get so easily overawed, and besides
+you are still quite nervous because of your mother's death. I only hope
+your father won't hear anything about it." That stupid idiot dug up the
+old story about the two students on the ice, a thing that was over and
+done with ages ago. "You should never trust anyone," says Hella, and
+she's perfectly right. I never could have believed Anneliese would be
+such a sneak. We don't know yet what was up with Franke. As she came in
+she put her finger to her lips, meaning of course "Betray nothing!"
+
+June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I was at the blackboard in
+the Maths lesson, when there was a knock at the door and the head came
+in with the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come about _that
+matter_, and I went as white as a sheet (at least the girls say I
+did; Hella says I looked like Niobe mourning for her children). Thank
+goodness, the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do sums; in
+Maths and French I am the best in the class. But the Herr Insp. saw that
+I had tears in my eyes and said something to the head; then the head
+said: "She has recently lost her mother." Then the Herr Insp. praised
+me, and like a stupid idiot I must needs begin to howl. The head said:
+"It's all right L., sit down," and stroked my hair. She is so awfully
+sweet, and I do hope that she and Frau Doktor M. will say a word for me
+at the Staff Meeting. And I do hope that Father won't hear anything of
+it, for of course he would reproach me dreadfully because it all comes
+so soon after Mother's death. But really it all happened long before
+that. The way it all happened was that Hella's mother went away to see
+Emmy, her married niece, who was _having her first baby_. And then it
+was that we told the "innocent child" (that's what we call the deceitful
+cat) everything. Hella still thinks that the "innocent child" was a
+humbug. That is quite likely, for after all she is nearly fourteen; and
+at 14 one must _surely_ know a great deal already; it's impossible
+that at that age a girl can continue to believe in the stork story, as
+Anneliese is said!!! to have done. Hella thinks that I shall soon be
+"developed" too, because I always have such black rings under my eyes. I
+overheard Frau von Zerkwitz say, "Little brats;" but Hella says that
+the head _hemmed loudly to drown it_. Afterwards Hella was in fits of
+laughter over the expression "little brats" for her mother always says
+about _such_ things; _Little brats_ like you have no concern with such
+matters. Good Lord, when is one to learn all about it if one does not
+know when one is nearly 14! As a matter of fact both Hella and I learned
+these things _very early_, and it has not done us any harm. Hella's
+mother always says that if one learns such things too early one gets to
+look old; but of course that's nonsense. But why do mothers not want us
+to know? I suppose they're just ashamed.
+
+June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone to bed, Dora said: "What
+were you really talking about to Z., or whatever her name is? The head
+called me into the office to-day and told me that you had been talking
+of improper matters. She said I must watch over you in _Mother's
+place!_" Well that would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened when
+Mother was still alive. A mother never knows what children are talking
+of together. Dora thinks that I shall have a written Reprimand from the
+Staff Meeting. I should hate that because of Father; that would mean
+another fearful row; although Father is really awfully sweet now; I have
+not had a single rowing since Mother first got ill. It's quite true that
+death makes people gentle, but why? Really one would have thought people
+would get disagreeable, because they've been so much distressed. Last
+week the tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I should like
+to go alone to the cemetery once at least, for one does not like to weep
+before the others.
+
+June 18th. The "innocent child" does not come to gym. any longer, at
+least she has not been since _that affair_. We think she's afraid,
+although we should not say anything to her. We punish her with _silent
+contempt_, she'll _feel_ that _more than anything_. And thank goodness
+she does not come to play tennis. I do hate people who are _deceitful_,
+for one never knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outright
+cram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear out, don't tell such a
+frightful whacker; I was not born yesterday. But one has no safeguard
+against _deceitfulness_. That's why I don't like cats. We have another
+name for the "innocent child," we call her the "red cat." I think she
+knows. Day after tomorrow is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am so
+excited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7.
+
+June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was to come and fetch me. But
+she overslept herself, so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I had
+waited for her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. Dora would
+not wait, and went away at a quarter to 7 by electric car. At a quarter
+to 8 Hella came in the taxi, and just before the ship weighed anchor (I
+believe one ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but it does
+not matter, I'm not Marina who knows _everything_ about the navy), that
+is just at the right moment, we arrived. They all stared at us when we
+came rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I got out of the car, it
+was stupid; but I don't think they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said that
+for this one day we had better put off our mourning, and Father said so
+too, so we wore our white embroidered frocks and Aunt Dora was awfully
+good and had made us black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and they
+say that people wear mourning like that in America. I do love America,
+the land of liberty. Boys (that is young students) and girls go to
+school _together_ there!! -- -- -- But about the outing. In the boat we
+sat next Frau Doktor M., she was awfully nice; Hella was on the right
+and I was on the left, and we sat so close that she said: "Girls, you're
+squashing me, or at least you're crushing my dress!" She was wearing a
+white frock and had a coral necklace which suited her simply splendidly.
+When we were near Hainburg Hella's hat fell into the Danube, and all the
+girls screamed because they thought a child had fallen overboard. But
+thank goodness it was only the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had a
+lovely view, that is, _I_ did not look at anything except Frau Doktor
+M. because she was so lovely; Professor Wilke was with us, and he went
+about with her all the time. The girls say he will probably marry her,
+perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, _that_ would be horrid. Hella thinks
+that is quite out of the question because of the German professor;
+at any rate it would be better for her to marry Professor W. than the
+other, because he is said to be a Jew. "Still, with regard to all the
+things that hang upon marriage, it's the same with every man," said I.
+"That's just the chief point, you little goose," said Hella. And Frau
+Doktor M. said: "Do you allow your chum to talk to you like that? What
+is the chief point?" I was just going to say: "We _can't_ tell you
+_that_," when Hella interrupted me and said: "Just because I'm her chum
+I can talk to her like that; she would not let anyone else do it." Then
+we went to dinner. Unfortunately we did not sit next "_her_." We
+had veal cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the Herr
+Religionsprof. went by he said: "How many weeks have you been fasting?"
+Before dinner we went to the museum to see the things they had dug up in
+the Roman camp. The head mistress and Fraulein V. explained everything.
+It was most instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch-Altenburg.
+It was great fun at tea. Then we had games and all the staff joined in,
+the Fifth had got up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fits
+of laughter. Then suddenly there came along a whole troop of officers
+of the flying corps, frightfully smart, and one of them sat down at the
+piano and began to play dance music. Another came up to the head and
+begged her to allow the "young ladies" to dance. The head did not want
+to at first, but all the girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to,
+and the Herr Rel. Prof. said: "Oh, Frau Direktorin, let them have the
+innocent pleasure," and so they really were allowed to dance. The rest
+of us either danced with one another or looked on. And then, when Hella
+and I were standing right in front, up came a splendid lieutenant and
+said: "May I venture to separate the two friends for a little dance?"
+"If you please," said I, and sailed off with him. To dance with a
+lieutenant is glorious. Then the same lieutenant danced with Hella and
+in the evening on the way home she said that the lieutenant had really
+wanted to dance with her first, but I had been so prompt with my "If
+you please" and had placed my hand on his shoulder. Of course that's
+not true, but it is not a thing one would quarrel about with one's best
+friend, and anyhow he danced with both of us. Unfortunately we were
+not able to dance very long because we got so hot. Oh, and I had almost
+forgotten, a captain with a black moustache saluted Frau Doktor M., for
+they know one another. She blushed furiously; so he is probably the man
+she will marry, and not Herr Prof. Wilke and not the Jewish professor.
+He would please me a great deal better. They were all so awfully smart!
+Before we left a lieutenant brought in a huge bunch of roses, and the
+officers gave a rose to each member of the staff, the ladies I mean.
+Then something awfully funny happened. There is a girl in the Sixth who
+looks quite old, as if she might be 24, and "our" lieutenant offered her
+a rose too. And then she said: "No thank you, I am not one of the
+staff, I'm in the Sixth." Everyone burst out laughing, and she was quite
+abashed because the lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. And
+the Herr Rel. Prof. said to her: "Tschapperl, you might just as well
+have taken it." But really she was quite right to refuse. I think there
+must have been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the lieutenant
+that she was a colonel's daughter. I wonder if we shall ever see him
+again.
+
+I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora told me yesterday
+that when I was dancing with the lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. said to
+the Frau Direktorin: "Do just look at that young Lainer; little rogue,
+see what eyes she's making." Making eyes, forsooth! I did not make eyes,
+besides, what does it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did not
+shut my eyes; if I had I should probably have fallen down, and then
+everyone would have laughed. And I don't like being laughed at. I hardly
+saw Dora all through the outing, and she did not dance. She said very
+cuttingly: "Of course not, for after all we _are_ in mourning, even if
+we did wear white dresses; you are only a child, for whom that sort of
+thing does not matter." _That sort of thing_, as if I had done something
+dreadful! I don't love Mother any the less, and I don't forget her.
+Father was quite different; the day before yesterday evening he said:
+"So my little witch has made a conquest; you're beginning early. But
+it's no good taking up with an officer, little witch, they're too
+expensive." But I would like to have the lieutenant, I would go up
+with him in an aeroplane, up, up, till we both got quite giddy. In the
+religion lesson yesterday, when the Herr Prof. came in he laughed like
+anything and said: "Hullo, Lainer, is the world still spinning round
+you? The Herr Leutnant has not been able to sleep since." So I suppose
+he knows him. Still, I'm quite sure that he has not lost his sleep on my
+account, though very likely he said so. If I only knew what his name is,
+perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, Romeo, that would suit him admirably!
+
+June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday Aunt Alma came with Marina
+and that jackanapes Erwin who was really responsible for all the row
+that time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. I don't think
+Mother liked Aunt Alma much, nor she her. Just as Father and Aunt Dora
+are not particularly fond of one another. It is so in most families, the
+father does not care much for the mother's brothers and sisters and vice
+versa. I wonder why? I wonder whether _He_ has a fiancee, probably he
+has, and what she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown hair
+or fair hair or black hair best. But about the visit! Of course Marina
+and I were _very_ standoffish. She is so frightfully conceited because
+she goes to the Training College. As if that were something magnificent!
+The High School is much more important, for from the High School one
+goes on to the university, but not from the Training College; and they
+don't learn English, nor French properly, for it is only optional. Aunt
+Alma knows that it annoys Father when anyone says we don't look well, so
+she said: "Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness it's nearly
+over, and she won't get much out of it after all, it's really better for
+a girl to become a teacher." Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me:
+"Do you dare me to spit on the carpet?" "You are ill-bred enough to do
+it; I can't think why Marina, the future schoolmistress, does not give
+you a good smacking," said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: "What's the
+matter children? What game are you playing?" "It's not a game at all;
+Erwin wants to spit on the carpet and he seems to think that would be
+all right." Then Aunt said something to him in Italian, and he pulled
+a long nose at me behind Father's back, but I simply ignored it; little
+pig, and yet he's my cousin! Kamillo is supposed to have been just as
+impudent as Bub. But we have never seen him, for he has been in Japan as
+an ensign for the last two years. Mourning does not suit Marina at all;
+there's a provincial look about her and she can't shake it off. Her
+clothes are too long and she has not got a trace of b--, although she
+was 17 last September; she is disgustingly thin.
+
+June 27th. The Herr Insp. came to our class to-day, in French this time.
+Frau Doktor Dunker is always frightfully excited by his visits, and at
+the beginning of the lesson she said: "Girls, the Inspector is coming
+to-day; pull yourselves together; please don't leave me in the lurch."
+So it must be true what Oswald always says that the inspectors come to
+inspect the teachers and not the pupils. "At the inspection," Oswald
+often says, "every pupil has the professor in his hands." Being
+first, of course I was called upon, and I simply could not think what
+"trotteur" meant. I would not say "Trottel" [idiot], and so I said
+nothing at all. Then Anneliese turned round and whispered it to me, but
+of course I was not going to say it after her, but remained speechless
+as an owl. At length the Herr Inspektor said: "Translate the sentence
+right to the end, and then you'll grasp its meaning." But I can't see
+the sense of that; for if I don't know one of the words the sentence has
+no meaning, or at least not the meaning it ought to have. If Hella had
+not been absent to-day because of -- --, she might have been able to
+whisper it to me. Afterwards Frau Doktor Dunker reproached me, saying
+that no one could ever trust anyone, and that I really did not deserve
+a One. "And the stupidest thing of all was that you laughed when you did
+not know a simple word like that." Of course I could not tell her that
+my first thought had been to translate it "Trottel." Unseen translation
+is really too difficult for us.
+
+June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I'm on tenter hooks to know
+whether I shall have a Reprimand, or a bad conduct mark in my report.
+That would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, for her father
+has just gone away to manoeuvres in Hungary or in Bosnia, and by
+the time he is back the holidays will have begun and no one will be
+bothering about reports any more. So I shall know to-morrow. Oh bother,
+to-morrow is a holiday and next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 days
+I shall have "to linger in suspense," but a different sort of suspense
+from what Goethe wrote about.
+
+June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this afternoon because of
+Dora's matriculation. The Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit an
+aunt, who is in a convalescent home, and so I could not go with them.
+In the evening we went to Turkenschanz Park to supper, but there was
+nothing on. By the way, I have not written anything yet about the
+"innocent child" at the outing. On the boat she began fussing round
+Hella and me and wanted to push into the conversation, indirectly of
+course! But she did not succeed; Hella is extraordinarily clever in such
+matters; she simply seemed to look through her Really I'm a little sorry
+for her, for she hasn't any close friends beyond ourselves; but Hella
+said: "Haven't you had enough of it yet? Do you want to be cooked once
+more with the same sauce?" And when Hella's hat fell into the water and
+we were still looking after it in fits of laughter, all of a sudden
+we found Anneliese standing behind us offering Hella a fine lace shawl
+which she had brought with her for the evening because she so readily
+gets earache. "Wouldn't you like to use this shawl, so that you
+won't have to go back to Vienna without a hat?" "Please don't trouble
+yourself, I'm quite used to going about bare-headed." But the _way_ she
+said it, like a queen! I _must_ learn it from her. She is really shorter
+than I am, but at such moments she looks just like a grownup lady. I
+told her as much, and she rejoined: "Darling Rita, you can't _learn_ a
+thing like that; it's _inborn_." She rather annoyed me, for she always
+seems to think that an officer's daughter is a thing apart.
+
+July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed off without a public
+scandal. Frau Doktor M. spoke to me in the corridor, saying: "Lainer,
+you've had a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been raised on
+your behalf, I really don't know -- -- --." Then I said: "I'm quite
+certain, Frau Doktor, that you alone have saved me from a Bad Conduct
+Mark." And I kissed her hand. "Get along, you little baggage, for
+the one part simply a child, and for the other with your head full of
+thoughts which grown-ups would do well to dispense with."
+
+After all, one can't help one's _thoughts_, and we shall be more careful
+in future as to the persons to whom we talk about _that sort of thing_.
+Here's another thing I forgot to mention about the outing: When we got
+back into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came to meet us at the
+station; Father was there too, and so was the "innocent child's" mother.
+Thank goodness Father did not know her. When we got out of the train
+there was a great scrimmage, because we were all trying to sort
+ourselves to our parents, and suddenly I heard Hella's voice: "No,
+Madam, your child is not in our bad company." I turned round sharply,
+and there was Hella standing in front of Frau von Zerkwitz who had just
+asked her: "Hullo, _you_, what has become of my little Anneliese?" The
+answer was splendid; I should never have been able to hit upon it; I
+always think of good repartees after the event. It was just the same
+that time when the old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she was
+alone there, and she snapped at him. He said: Impudent as a Jewess,
+or an impudent Jewess! It was too absurd, for first of all it's not
+impudent to make a clever repartee, and secondly it does not follow
+because one can do it that one is a Jewess. So Hella finished up by
+saying to him: "No, you've made a mistake, you are not speaking to one
+of your own sort."
+
+We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora's matriculation we are
+staying here until the 11th. Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol,
+and this year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. Hella
+had a splendid time there last year.
+
+July 2nd. My goodness, to-day I have . . . ., no, I can't write it plain
+out. In the middle of the Physics lesson, during revision, when I was
+not thinking of anything in particular, Fraulein N. came in with a paper
+to be signed. As we all stood up I thought to myself: Hullo, what's
+that? And then it suddenly occurred to me: Aha!! In the interval Hella
+asked me why I had got so fiery red in the Physics lesson, if I'd
+had some sweets with me. I did not want to tell her the real reason
+directly, and so I said: "Oh no, I had nearly fallen asleep from
+boredom, and when Fraulein N. came in it gave me a start." On the way
+home I was very silent, and I walked so slowly (for of course one must
+not walk fast _when_ . . . ) that Hella said: "Look here, what's up
+to-day, that you are so frightfully solemn? Have you fallen in love
+without my knowing it, or is it _at long last_ . . . .?" Then I said
+"_Or is it at long last!_" And she said: "Ah, then now we're equals once
+more," and there in the middle of the street she gave me a kiss. Just
+at that moment two students went by and one of them said: "Give me one
+too." And Hella said: "Yes, I'll give you one on the cheek which will
+burn." So they hurried away. We really had no use for them: to-day!!
+Hella wanted me to tell her _everything about it_; but really I hadn't
+anything to tell, and yet she believed that I _wouldn't_ tell. It is
+really very unpleasant, and this evening I shall have to take frightful
+care because of Dora. But I must tell Aunt because I want a San-- T--.
+It will be frightfully awkward. It was different in Hella's case, first
+of all because she had such frightful cramps before it began so that her
+mother knew all about it without being told, and secondly because it was
+her _mother_. I certainly shan't tell Dora whatever happens, for that
+would make me feel still more ashamed. As for a San-- T--, I shall never
+be able to buy one for myself even if I live to be 80. And it would be
+awful for Father to know about it. I wonder whether men really do know;
+I suppose they must know about their wives, but at any rate they can't
+know anything about their daughters.
+
+July 3rd. Dora does know after all. For I switched off the light
+_before_ I undressed, and then Dora snapped at me: "What on earth are
+you up to, switch it on again directly." "No I won't." Then she came
+over and wanted to switch it on herself; "Oh do please wait until I've
+got into bed." "O-o-h, is that it," said Dora, "why didn't you say so
+before? I've always hidden my things from you, and you haven't got any
+yet." And then we talked for quite a long time, and she told me that
+Mother had commissioned her to tell me everything _when_ -- -- -- Mother
+had told her all about it, but she said it was better for one girl to
+tell it to another, because that was least awkward. Mother knew too
+that in January Hella had . . . But how? I never let on! It was midnight
+before we switched off the light.
+
+July 6th. Oh, I am so unhappy, when we went to get our reports to-day
+and said good-bye to Frau Doktor M., she was awfully sweet, and at
+the end she said: "I hope that you won't give too much trouble to my
+successor." At first we did not understand, for we thought she only
+meant that it is always uncertain whether the same member of the staff
+will keep the same class from year to year, but then she said: "I am
+leaving the school because I am going to be married." It gave me such a
+pang, and I said: "Oh, is it true?" "Yes, Lainer, it's quite true." And
+all the girls thronged round her and wanted to kiss her hand. No one
+spoke for a moment, and then Hella said: "Frau Doktor, may I ask you
+something? But you mustn't be angry!" "All right, ask away!" "Is it the
+captain we met in Carnuntum?" She was quite puzzled for a minute, and
+then she laughed like anything and said, "No, Bruckner, it is not he,
+for he has a wife already." And Gilly, who is not so frightfully fond of
+her as Hella and I are, said: "Frau Doktor, please tell us whom you
+are going to marry." "There's no secret about it, I am going to marry a
+professor in Heidelberg." That is why she has to leave the High School.
+It's simply ruined my holidays. Hella has such lovely ideas. The girls
+would not leave Frau Doktor alone, and they all wanted to walk home with
+her. Then she said: "My darling girls, that's impossible, for I am going
+to Purkersdorf to see my parents." And then Hella had her splendid
+idea. The others said: "Please may we come with you as far as the
+metropolitan?" and at length she said they might. But Hella said, "Come
+along," and we hurried off to the metropolitan before them and took
+tickets to Hutteldorf so that we should be able to get back in plenty of
+time, and there we were waiting on the platform when she came and when
+all the girls came with her as far as the entrance. Then we rushed up
+to her and got into the train which came in at that moment. Of course we
+had second class tickets, for Hella, being an officer's daughter, mayn't
+travel third, and Frau Doktor M. always travels second too. And we all
+three sat together on a seat for two, though it was frightfully hot.
+She was so nice to us; I begged her to give us her photograph and she
+promised to send us one. Then, alas, we got to Hutteldorf. "Now, girls,
+you must get out." Then we both burst out crying, and she _kissed us!_
+Never shall I forget that blessed moment and that heavenly ride! As long
+as the train was still in sight we both waved our handkerchiefs to her
+and she _waved back!_ When we wanted to give up our tickets Hella looked
+everywhere for her purse and could not find it; she must have left it in
+the ticket office. Luckily I still had all my July pocket money and so I
+was able to pay the excess fare, and then for once in a way _I_ was the
+sharp-witted one; I said we had travelled third and had only passed
+out through the second, so we had not to pay so much; and no one knew
+anything about it, there's no harm in that sort of cheating. Of course
+we really did go back third, although Hella said it would spoil the
+memory for her. That sort of thing does not matter to me. We did not
+get home until a quarter past 1, and Aunt Dora gave me a tremendous
+scolding. I said I had been arranging books in the library for Frau
+Doktor, but Dora had enquired at the High School at 12, and there had
+been no one there. We had already gone away then, I said, and had gone
+part of the way with Frau Doktor M., for she was leaving because of
+her marriage. Then Dora was quite astonished and said: "Ah, now I
+understand." The other day when she had to go into the room while the
+staff meeting was on, the staff was talking about an engagement, and
+Fraulein Thim was saying: "Not everyone has the luck to get a university
+professor." That must have been about _her_. Certainly Thim won't get
+one, not even a school porter. To-day, (I've been writing this up for
+two days), I had such a delightful surprise; _she_ sent me her photo,
+simply heavenly!! Father says the portrait is better looking than the
+reality. Nothing of the sort, she is perfectly beautiful, with her
+lovely eyes and her spiritual expression! Of course she has sent Hella
+a photo too. We are going to have pocket leather cases made for the
+photographs, so that we can take them with us wherever we go. But we
+shall have to wait until after the holidays because Hella has lost her
+money, and nearly all mine was used up in paying the excess fares.
+And such a leather case will cost 3 crowns. Father has some untearable
+transparent envelopes, and I shall ask him for two of them. They will do
+as a makeshift.
+
+Dora's matriculation is to-morrow, she's quite nervous about it although
+she is very well up in all the subjects. But she says it's so easy to
+make mistakes. But Father is quite unconcerned, though last year he was
+very much bothered about Oswald, and poor dear Mother was frightfully
+anxious: "Pooh," said Oswald, "I shall soon show them that there's no
+need to bother; all one wants at the metric is _cheek_, that's the whole
+secret!" And then all he telegraphed was "durch" [through] and
+poor Mother was still very anxious, and thought that it might mean
+_durchgefallen_ [failed]. But of course it really meant _durchgekommen_
+[passed], for meanwhile the second telegram had come. And father had
+brought two bottles of champagne to Rodaun, ready to celebrate Oswald's
+return. There won't be anything of the sort after Dora's matriculation
+because Mother is not with us any more; oh it does make me so miserable
+when I think that 2 1/2 months ago she was still alive, and now -- -- --.
+
+July 9th. This morning, while Dora was having her exam (she passed with
+Distinction), I went to the cemetery quite alone. I told Aunt Dora I was
+going shopping with Hella and her mother, and I told Hella I was going
+with Aunt, and so I took the tram to Potzleinsdorf and then walked to
+the cemetery. People always ought to go to the cemetery alone. There
+was no one in the place but me. I did not dare to stay long, for I
+was afraid I should be home late. It's a frightfully long way to
+Potzleinsdorf, and it always seems so much further when one is alone.
+And when I came away from the cemetery I took a wrong turning and found
+myself in a quite deserted street near the Turkenschanze. That sort of
+thing is very awkward, and for a long time there was simply no one of
+whom I could ask the way. Then by good luck an old lady came along, and
+she told me I had only to take the next turning to get back to the tram
+line. And just as I did get there a Potzleinsdorf car came along, so
+I got in and reached home long before Dora. But in the afternoon Hella
+nearly gave me away, quite unintentionally. But since they were all
+talking about the matriculation I was able to smooth it over. Now that
+Dora has finished her matriculation she will have to tell me a great
+deal more about _certain things_; she promised she would. Before the
+matriculation she was always so tired because of the frightful grind,
+but that is over now, and I never do any work in the holidays. What
+are holidays for? Frau Doktor Dunker has really given me only a
+Satisfactory, it's awfully mean of her; and I shall have to learn from
+_her_ for three years more! Nothing will induce me to bother myself
+about French now, for she has a down on me, and when one's teacher has a
+down on one, one can work as hard as one likes and it's no good. It was
+so different with Frau Doktor M.!! I have just been looking at her photo
+so long that my eyes are positively burning; but I had to write up about
+to-day: even when one had been stupid once or twice, she never cast it
+up against one, never, never, never -- -- the sweet angel!
+
+July 10th. We are going to F. to-morrow; I am so glad. It is frightfully
+dull to-day, for Hella went away yesterday to Berchtesgaden where she
+is to stay for 6 weeks, and on the way back she is going to Salzburg and
+perhaps Aunt Dora will take me to Salzburg for 2 days so that we can see
+one another again before Hella goes to Hungary. She is lucky! I can't go
+to K-- M-- this year, for we are going to stay in F. till the middle of
+September. I got my name day presents to-day because they are things for
+the journey: a black travelling satchel with a black leather belt, and
+half a dozen mourning handkerchiefs with a narrow black border, and
+an outfit for pokerwork, and a huge bag of sweets for the journey from
+Hella. The world is a wretched place without Hella. I do hope we shall
+marry on the same day, for Mother always used to say: "The most ardent
+_girl_ friendships are always broken up when one of the two marries." I
+suppose because the other one is annoyed because she has not married.
+I wonder what it will be like at Frau Doktor M.'s wedding! and I wonder
+whether she knows about _everything_; very likely not, but if not I
+suppose her mother will tell her all about it before she is married.
+Dora told me yesterday that Mother had once said to her: "A girl always
+gets all sorts of false ideas into her head; the reality is quite
+different." But that is not so in our case, for we really know
+everything quite precisely, even to the fact that you have to take off
+every stitch; oh dear, I shall never forget it!--Oswald is coming to F.
+on the 20th, for first he is going to Munich for a few days.
+
+July 12th. It's lovely here; mountains and mountains all round, and
+we're going to climb them all; oh, how I am enjoying myself! I simply
+can't keep a diary; it will have to be a weekary. For I must write to
+Hella at least every other day. We are staying in the Edelweiss boarding
+house; there are about 40 visitors, at least that's what we counted at
+dinner. There is a visitors' list hanging up in the hall, and I must
+study it thoroughly. The journey was rather dull, for Dora had a
+frightful headache so we could not talk all through the night. I stood
+in the corridor half the night. At one place in Salzburg there was a
+frightful fire; no one was putting it out, so I suppose no one knew
+anything about it. The boarding house is beautifully furnished, carpets
+everywhere; there are several groups of statuary in the hall. We are
+awfully pleased with everything. There are 4 courses at dinner and two
+at supper. Flowers on every table. Father says we must wait and see
+whether they change them often enough. Father has a new tweed suit which
+becomes him splendidly for he is so tall and aristocratic looking. We
+have coats and skirts made of thin black cotton material and black lace
+blouses, and we also have white coats and skirts and white blouses,
+and light grey tweed dresses as well. For Father is really quite right:
+"Mourning is in your _heart_, not in your _dress_." Still, for the
+present, we shall wear black, but we have the white things in case it
+gets frightfully hot. To-day, on a cliff quite near the house, we picked
+a great nosegay of Alpine roses. Dora has brought Mother's photo with
+her and has put the flowers in front of it; unluckily I forgot to bring
+mine. I should like to go to the top of the Wildeck or one of the other
+mountains. It would be lovely to pick Edelweiss for oneself. But Father
+says that mountaineering is not suited to our ages. The baths here
+always seem very cold, only about 54 or 60 degrees at most. Dr. Klein
+said we should only bathe when the water is quite warm. But apparently
+that won't be often. We have not made any acquaintances yet, but I like
+the look of the two girls wearing Bosnian blouses at the second table
+from ours. Perhaps we shall get to know them. One plan has come to
+nothing. I wanted to talk to Dora in the evenings about all sorts of
+_important_ things, but it is impossible because Aunt Dora shares our
+room. Here's another tiresome thing; Father's room has a lovely veranda
+looking on to the promenade, while our room only looks into the garden.
+Of course the view is lovely, but I should have liked Father's room much
+better, only it is a great deal too small for three persons; there is
+only one bed and its furniture is of a very ancient order. I do hate
+that sort of furniture; the lady who keeps the boarding house calls it
+_Empire!!_ I don't suppose she can ever have seen a room furnished in
+real Empire style.
+
+July 15th. When Dora and I were out for a walk yesterday she told me
+a great deal about Aunt Dora. I never really knew before whether Uncle
+Richard was employed in the asylum or whether he was a patient there;
+but he is a patient. He has spinal disease and is quite off his head
+and often has attacks of raving madness. Once before he was sent to the
+asylum he tried to throttle Aunt Dora, and _in another respect_ he did
+her a _frightful lot of harm!!!_ I don't quite understand how, for Aunt
+Dora has never had any children. And why on earth do they make such a
+secret about Uncle Richard? But when I come to think of it, no one ever
+wanted to talk about Mother's illness. There's no sense in this secrecy,
+for in the first place that always makes one think about things, and
+secondly one always finds out in the long run. At last Aunt Dora was so
+terribly afraid of Uncle that she always kept the door of her bedroom
+locked. It must be awful to have a husband who is a raging maniac.
+Father once said to Dora: your Aunt Dora is enough to drive one mad with
+her whims and fancies. Of course he didn't mean that literally, but I
+must watch carefully to find out what Aunt really does to annoy anyone
+so much. Most likely it is something connected with _this matter_. To my
+mind Aunt Alma has many more whims and fancies, and yet Uncle Franz has
+never gone raving mad. Dora says that Uncle Richard may go on living
+for another 20 years, and that she is frightfully sorry for Aunt Dora
+because she is tied to such a monster. Why tied? After all, he is in
+an asylum and can't do her any harm. Dora didn't know about all this
+before, Aunt only told her after Mother's death. Dora thinks it is
+better not to marry at all, unless one is _madly in love_ with a man.
+And then only by a _marriage contract!!_ In that case _that_ would be
+excluded. But I always imagined a marriage contract was made because
+of a dowry and money affairs generally; and never thought of its having
+_such_ a purpose. Frau Mayer, whom we met in the summer holidays two
+years ago, had married under such conditions. But it puzzles me, for if
+_that_ is what men chiefly want when they marry, I don't see how any
+man can be satisfied with a marriage contract. There must be a mistake
+somewhere. Perhaps it is different among the Jews, for the Mayers were
+Jews.
+
+July 21st. No, I never should have thought that Hella would prove
+to have been right in that matter. I got a letter 8 pages long from
+Anneliese to-day. That time when Hella had to stay at home for five days
+she believed that Anneliese would make fresh advances. But obviously she
+was afraid. So now she has written to me: My own dear Rita! You are the
+only friend of my life; wherever I go, all the girls and everybody likes
+me, and only you have turned away from me in anger. What harm did I do
+you -- -- --? After all, she did do me some harm; for there might have
+been a fine row if it had not been for Frau Doktor M., that angel in
+human form! She writes she is so lonely and so unhappy; she is with her
+mother at the Gratsch Hydropathic near Meran or Bozen, I forget which, I
+must look it up _if_ I answer her. For I gave my word of honour to Hella
+that I would never forgive the "innocent child." But after all, to
+write an answer is mere ordinary politeness, and is far from meaning
+a reconciliation, and still less a friendship. She says that there are
+absolutely no girls in Gratsch, only grown-up ladies and old gentlemen,
+the youngest is 32! brr, I know I should find it deplorably dull myself.
+So I really will write to her, but I shall be exceedingly reserved. She
+finishes up with: Listen to the prayer of an unhappy girl and do not
+harden your heart against one who has always loved you truly. That is
+really very fine, and Anneliese always wrote the best compositions; Frau
+Doktor M. used often to praise them and to speak of her excellent style,
+but later she really did not like her at all. She often told her she
+ought not to be so affected, or she would lose the power of expression
+from sheer affectation. I shall not write to her immediately, but only
+after a few days, and, as I said, with _great_ reserve.
+
+July 23rd. I got to know the two girls to-day, their names are Olga and
+Nelly, one is 15 and the other 13; I don't know their surname yet, but
+only that they have a leather goods business in Mariahilferstr. Their
+mother's hair is quite grey already, their father is not coming
+until August 8th. We have arranged to go for a walk at 4 o'clock this
+afternoon, to Brennfelden.
+
+July 26th. I have made up my mind to write every day before dinner,
+for after dinner we all go with our hammocks into the wood. After all
+I wrote to Anneliese three days ago, without waiting, so as not to
+keep her on tenterhooks. I have not written anything to Hella about it
+because I don't know how Anneliese will answer. Hella says she is having
+a royal time in Innichen; but the tiresome thing does not say just
+what she means by royal; she wrote only a bare 3 sides including the
+signature so of course I did not write to her as much as usual.
+
+July 27th. Dora is not very much taken with the Weiners; she thinks they
+are frightfully stuck up. She says it's not the proper thing to wear
+gold bracelets and chains in the country, above all with peasant
+costume. Of course she is right, but still I like the two girls very
+much, and especially Olga, the younger one; Nelly puts on such airs;
+they go to a high school too, the Hietzinger High School; but Olga has
+only just got into the Second while Nelly is in the Fifth. Dora says
+they will never set the Danube on fire. No matter, leave it to others to
+do that. We enjoyed ourselves immensely on our walk. I'm going to spend
+the whole day with them to-day. Father says: "Don't see too much of
+them; you'll only get tired of them too soon." I don't believe that will
+happen with the Weiners.
+
+July 29th. It's my birthday to-morrow. I wonder what my presents will
+be. I've already had one of them before we left Vienna, 3 pairs of
+openwork stockings, Aunt Dora gave them to me, exquisitely fine, and my
+feet look so elegant in them. But I must take frightful care of them and
+not wear them too often. Aunt says: "Perhaps now you will learn to give
+up pulling at your stockings when you are doing your lessons." As if I
+would do any lessons in the holidays.
+
+
+
+LAST HALF-YEAR, AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF
+
+
+LAST HALF-YEAR
+
+
+July 30th. Thank goodness this is my 14th!!! birthday; Olga thought that
+I was 16 or at least 15; but I said: No thank you; to _look_ like 16 is
+_quite_ agreeable to me, but I should not like to _be_ 16, for after
+all how long is one young, only 2 or 3 years at most. But as to feeling
+different, as Hella said she did, I really can't notice anything of the
+kind; I am merely delighted that no one, not even Dora, can now call me
+a _child_. I do detest the word "child," except when Mother used to say:
+"My darling child," but then it meant something quite different. I like
+Mother's ring best of all my birthday presents; I shall wear it for
+always and always. When I was going to cry, Father said so sweetly:
+"Don't cry, Gretel, you must not cry on your 14th!! birthday, that would
+be a fine beginning of _grown-upness!_" Besides the ring, Father gave me
+a lovely black pearl necklace which suits me perfectly, and is at the
+same time so cool; then Theodor Storm's _Immensee_, from Aunt Dora the
+black openwork stockings and long black silk gloves, and from Dora a
+dark grey leather wristband for my watch. But I shan't wear that until
+we are back in Vienna and I am going to school again. Grandfather and
+Grandmother sent fruit as usual, but nothing has come from Oswald. He
+can't possibly have forgotten. I suppose his present will come later.
+Father also gave me a box of delicious sweets. At dinner Aunt Dora had
+ordered my favourite chocolate cream cake, and every one said: Hullo,
+why have we got a Sunday dish on a weekday? And then it came out that it
+was my birthday, and the Weiner girls, who knew it already, told most of
+the other guests and nearly everyone came to wish me many happy returns.
+Olga and Nelly had done so in the morning, and had given me a huge
+nosegay of wild flowers and another of cut flowers. This afternoon we
+are all going to Flagg; it is lovely there.
+
+Evening: I must write some more. We could not have the expedition,
+because there was a frightful thunderstorm from 2 to 4 o'clock. But
+we enjoyed ourselves immensely. And I had another adventure: As I was
+leaving the dining-room in order to go to the . . . ., I heard a voice
+say: May I wish you a happy birthday, Fraulein? I turned round, and
+there behind me stood the enormously tall fair-haired student, whom I
+have been noticing for the last three days. "Thank you very much, it's
+awfully kind of you," said I, and wanted to pass on, for I really had to
+go. But he began speaking again, and said: "I suppose that's only a
+joke about your being 14. Surely you are 16 to-day?" "I am both glad and
+sorry to say that I am not, said I, but after all everyone is as old
+as he seems. Please excuse me, I really must go to my room," said I
+hurriedly, and bolted, for otherwise -- -- -- --!! I hope he did not
+suspect the truth. I must write about it to Hella, it will make
+her laugh. She sent me a lovely little jewel box with a view of
+Berchtesgaden packed with my favourite sweets, filled with brandy. In
+her letter she complains of the "shortness of my last letter." I must
+write her a long letter to-morrow. At supper I noticed for the first
+time where "Balder" sits; that's what I call him because of his lovely
+golden hair, and because I don't know his real name. He is with an old
+gentleman and an old lady and a younger lady whose hair is like his, but
+she can't possibly be his sister for she is much too old.
+
+July 31st. The family is called Scharrer von Arneck, and the father is
+a retired member of the Board of Mines. The young lady is really his
+sister, and she is a teacher at the middle school in Brunn. I found all
+this out from the housemaid. But I went about it in a very cunning way,
+I did not want to ask straight out, and so I said: Can you tell me
+who that white-haired old gentleman is, he is so awfully like my
+Grandfather. (I have never see my Grandfather, for Father's Father has
+been dead 12 or 15 years, and Mother's Father does not live in Vienna
+but in Berlin.) Then Luise answered: "Ah, Fraulein, I expect you mean
+Herr Oberbergrat Sch., von Sch. But I expect Fraulein's Grandfather is
+not quite so grumpy." I said: "Is he so frightfully grumpy then?" And
+she answered: "I should think so; we must all jump at the word go or
+it's all up with us!" And then one word led to another, and she told
+me all she knew; the daughter is 32 already, her name is Hulda and her
+father won't let her marry, and the _young gentleman_ has left home
+because his father pestered him so. He is a student in Prague, and only
+comes home for the holidays. It all sounds very melancholy, and yet they
+look perfectly happy except the daughter. By the way, it's horrid for
+the Weiners; Olga is 13 and Nelly actually 15, and their mother is once
+more -- -- -- -- I mean their mother is in an i-- c--. They are both in
+a frightful rage, and Nelly said to me to-day: "It's a perfect scandal;"
+they find it so awkward going about with their mother. I can't say I'd
+noticed anything myself; but they say it has really been obvious for a
+long time; "_the happy event!!_ will take place in October," said Olga.
+It really must be very disagreeable, and I took a dislike to Frau W.
+from the first. I simply can't understand how such a thing can happen
+when people are so old. I'm awfully sorry for the two Weiner girls.
+Something of the same sort must have happened in the case of the Schs.,
+for Luise has told me that the young gentleman is 21 and his sister not
+32 but 35, she had made a mistake; so she is 14 years older, appalling.
+I'm awfully sorry for her because her father won't let her marry, or
+rather would not let her marry. I'm sure Father would never refuse if
+either of us wanted to marry. I have written all this to Hella; I miss
+her dreadfully, for after all the Weiner girls are only strangers, and I
+could _never_ tell my secrets to Dora, though we are quite on good terms
+now. Oswald is coming to-morrow.
+
+August 1st. A young man has a fine time of it. He comes and goes when he
+likes and where he likes. A telegram arrived from Oswald to-day,
+saying he was not coming till the middle of August: Konigsee, Watzmann,
+glorious tramp. Letter follows. Father did not say much, but I fancy
+he's very much annoyed. Especially just now, after poor Mother's death,
+Oswald might just as well come home. Last year he was so long away
+after matriculation, quite alone, and now it's the same this year. One
+pleasure after another like that is really not the thing when one's
+Mother has been dead only three months. The day after we came here and
+before we had got to know anyone, I went out quite early, at half past
+8, and went alone to the cemetery. It is on the slope of the mountain
+and some of the tombstones are frightfully old, in many cases one can't
+decipher the inscriptions; there was one of 1798 in Roman figures. I sat
+on a little bank thinking about poor Mother and all the unhappiness,
+and I cried so terribly that I had to bathe my eyes lest anyone should
+notice it. I was horribly annoyed to-day. A letter came from Aunt Alma,
+she wants to come here, we are to look for rooms for her, to see if we
+can find anything suitable, Aunt Alma always means by that very cheap,
+but above all it must be in a private house; of course, for a boarding
+house would be far too dear for them. I do hope we shan't find
+_anything_ suitable, we really did not find anything to-day, for a storm
+was threatening and we did not go far. I do so hope we shall have no
+better success to-morrow; for I really could not stand having Marina
+here, she is such a spy. Thank goodness Aunt Dora and Dora are both very
+much against their coming. But Father said: That won't do girls, she's
+your aunt, and you must look for rooms for her. All right, we can _look
+for them_; but seeking and finding are two very different things.
+
+August 2nd. This morning we went out early to look for the rooms, and
+since Dora always makes a point of finding what's wanted, she managed
+to hunt up 2 rooms and a kitchen, though they are only in a farm. The
+summer visitors who were staying there had to go back suddenly to Vienna
+because their grandmother died, and so the rooms are to let very cheap.
+Dora wrote to Aunt directly, and she said that we shall all be delighted
+to see them, which is a downright lie. However, I wrote a P.S. in which
+I sent love to them all, and said that the journey was scandalously
+expensive; perhaps that may choke them off a bit. Owing to this silly
+running about looking for rooms I saw nothing of the Weiners yesterday
+afternoon or this morning, and of course nothing of God Balder either.
+And at dinner we can't see the Scharrers' table because they have a
+table in the bay window, for they have come here every year for the last
+9 years. I'm absolutely tired out, but there's something I must write.
+This afternoon the Weiners and we went up to Kreindl's, and Siegfried
+Sch. came with us, for he knows the Weiners, who have been here every
+year for the last 3 years. He talked chiefly to Dora, and that annoyed
+me frightfully. So I said not a word, but walked well behind the others.
+On the way home he came up to me and said: "I say, Fraulein Grete, are
+you always so reserved? Your eyes seem to contradict the idea." I said:
+"It all depends on my mood, and above all I hate forcing myself on any
+one." "Could you not change places at table with your mother?" "In the
+first place, she is not my Mother, who died on April 24th, but my Aunt,
+and in the second place, why do you say that to _me_, you had better
+say it to my sister!" "Don't be jealous! There's no reason for _that_.
+I can't help talking to your sister when we're in company; but I can
+assure you that you have no occasion whatever to be jealous." I wish
+I knew how I could manage that change of places, but I always sit
+next Father; anyhow I would not do it directly; next week at soonest.
+Farewell, my Hero Siegfried, sleep sweetly and dream of -- --.
+
+August 3rd, Anneliese wrote to me: "You heart of gold, so you are able
+to forgive my sins of youth? The world shines with a new light since I
+received your letter." I don't know that my letter was so forgiving as
+all that, for all I said was that I was very sorry she was so lonely in
+Gratsch, and that we could not alter the past, so we had better bury
+it. She sends me a belated birthday greeting (last winter we told one
+another when our birthdays were), and she sends me a great pressed
+forget-me-not. She waited to answer until it had been pressed. I don't
+know quite what I had better do. Big Siegfried could no doubt give me
+very good advice, but I can't very well tell him the whole story, for
+then I should have to tell him why we quarrelled, and that would be
+awful. I had better write to Hella before I answer. I must write to-day,
+for it will be quite three days before I can get an answer, and then
+1 or two days more before Anneliese gets the letter, so that will be 5
+days at least. It is raining in torrents, so it is very dull, for
+Father won't let us sit in the hall alone; I can't think why. Generally
+speaking Father's awfully kind, quite different from other fathers, but
+this is really disgusting of him. I shall lie down on the sofa after
+dinner and read _Immensee_, for I've not had a chance before.
+
+August 6th. Well, the whole tribe arrived to-day; Marina in a dust-grey
+coat and skirt that fits her abominably, and Erwin and Ferdinand;
+Ferdinand is going through the artillery course in Vienna, at the
+Neustadt military academy; he's the most presentable of the lot. Uncle
+was in a frightful temper, growling about the journey and about the
+handbaggage, I think they must have had 8 or 10 packages, at least I
+had to carry a heavy travelling rug and Dora a handbag of which she
+said that it contained the accumulated rubbish of 10 years. Aunt Alma's
+appearance was enough to give one fits, a tweed dress kilted up so
+high that one saw her brown stockings as she walked, and a hat like a
+scarecrow's. When I think how awfully well dressed _Mother_ always was,
+and how nice she always looked; of course Mother was at least 20 years
+younger than Aunt Alma, but even if Mother had lived to be 80 she would
+never have looked like _that_. Thank goodness, on the way from the
+station we did not meet any one, and above all we did not meet _him_.
+For once in a way they all came to dinner at our boarding house. We
+had two tables put together, and I seized the opportunity to change my
+place, for I offered Aunt Alma the place next Father and seated myself
+beside the lovely Marina, exactly opposite -- -- --! Anyway, Marina
+looked quite nice at dinner, for her white blouse suits her very well,
+and she has a lovely complexion, so white, with just a touch of pink in
+the cheeks. But that is her only beauty. The way she does her hair is
+hideous, parted and brushed quite smooth, with two pigtails. I've given
+them up long ago, though everyone said they suited me very well. But
+"snails" suit me a great deal better. _He_ looked across at me the whole
+time, and Aunt Alma said: "Grete is blossoming out, I hope there's not
+a man in the case already." "Oh no," said Father, "country air does her
+such a lot of good, and when I take the children away for a change I
+don't forbid any innocent pleasures." My darling Father, I had to keep a
+tight hand on myself so as not to kiss him then and there. They were
+all so prim, with their eyes glued to their plates as if they had never
+eaten rum pudding before. It is true that Ferdinand winked at Marina,
+but of course she noticed nothing. They soon put away their first helps,
+and they all took a second, and then they went on talking. When we went
+to our rooms I knocked at Father's door and gave him the promised kiss
+and said: "You really are a jewel of a Father." "Well, will you, if you
+please, be a jewel of a daughter, and keep the peace with Marina and
+the others?" I said: "Oh dear, I simply can't stand her, she's such a
+humbug!" "Oh well," said Father, "it may be a pity, but you know one
+can't choose one's parents and one's relations." "I would not have
+chosen any different parents, for we could not have found another Father
+and another Mother like you." Then Father lifted me right up into the
+air as if I had still been a little girl, saying: "You are a little
+treasure," and we kissed one another heartily. I really do like Father
+better than anyone in the world; for the way I like Hella is quite
+different, she is my friend, and Dora is my sister; and I like Aunt Dora
+too, and Oswald _if_ I ever see him again.
+
+August 8th. Oh, I am so furious! To-day I got a postcard from Hella,
+with nothing on it but "Follow your own bent, with best wishes, your
+M." When we write postcards we always use a cipher which no one else can
+understand, so that M. means H. It's a good thing no one can understand
+it. Of course I wrote to Anneliese directly, and was most affectionate,
+and I sent a postcard to Hella, in our cipher, with nothing more than:
+Have done so, with best wishes, W. Not even _your_ W. I do wonder what
+she will do. Hero Siegfried was lying with us to-day in the hayfield,
+and what he said was lovely. But I can't agree that all fathers _without
+exception_ are tyrants. I said: "_My_ Father isn't!" He rejoined: "Not
+_yet_, but you will find out in time. However, anyone with a character
+of his own won't allow himself to be suppressed. I simply broke with my
+Old Man and left home; there are other technical schools besides the one
+in Brunn. And since you say not _all_ fathers; well just look at Hulda;
+whenever anyone fell in love with her the Old Man marred her chance, for
+no one can stand such tutelage." "Tutelage, what do you mean," said I,
+but just at that moment everyone got up to go away. To-morrow perhaps,
+poor persecuted man.
+
+August 9th. Oh dear, it's horrible if it's all really true what Hella
+writes about being infected; an eruption all over the body, that is the
+most horrible thing in the world. I must tear up her letter directly,
+and since she could not write 8 whole pages in our cipher, I must
+_absolutely destroy_ it, so that no one can get hold of a fragment of
+it. Above all now that Marina is here, for you never can tell -- -- --.
+But I know what I'll do; I'll copy the letter here, even if it takes 2
+or 3 days. She writes:
+
+Darling Rita, what did you say when you got yesterday's postcard. If you
+were angry, you must make it up with me. Consort with whom you please
+and write to whom you please; but all the _consequences_ be on your
+own head. Father always says: Beware of red hair! And I insist that the
+"innocent child" has _foxy red_ hair. But you can think what you like.
+
+Now I've got something much more important to tell you. But you must
+promise me dirst that you will tear up my letter directly you have read
+it. Otherwise please send it back to me _un_read.
+
+Just fancy. Here in B. there is a young married woman living with her
+mother and her cousin, a girl who is studying medicine; they are Poles
+and I have always had an enthusiastic admiration for the Poles. The
+young wife has got a divorce from her husband, for she was _infected_ by
+him on the _wedding night_. Of course you remember what being _infected_
+is. But really it is something quite different from what we imagined.
+Because of _that_ she got a frightful eruption all over her body and her
+face, and most likely all her hair will fall out; is it not frightful?
+Her cousin, the medical student, who is apparently very poor, is there
+to _nurse_ her. Our servant Rosa told me about it, she heard of it from
+the housemaid where they have rooms. As you know, one can't talk to
+Lizzi about anything of that kind, and so I did not learn any more;
+but the other day, when I went to buy some picture postcards, I met the
+three ladies. The young wife was wearing a very thick veil, so that one
+could see nothing. They were sitting on a bench in the garden in front
+of their house, and I bowed in passing, on the way back. They bowed, and
+smiled in a friendly way. In the afternoon I had to lie down, for I was
+feeling very bad because of . . . .!! Then I suddenly heard some people
+talking on the veranda just outside my window--the veranda runs all
+round the house. At first I saw shadows passing, and then they sat down
+outside. I recognised the soft voice of the Polish student directly,
+and I heard her say to the wife of the mayor of J.: "Yes, my unfortunate
+cousin's experience has been a terrible one; that is because people sell
+girls like merchandise, without asking them, and without their having
+the least idea what they are in for." I got up at once and sat down
+close to the window behind the curtain so that I could hear everything.
+The mayor's wife said: "Yes, it's horrible what one has to go through
+when one is married. _My_ husband is not one of that sort but -- -- --"
+And then I could not understand what she went on to say I overheard
+this conversation on Thursday. But that's not all I have to tell you. Of
+course my first thought was, if only I could have a talk with her; for
+she spoke about _enlightenment_ and although we are both of us already
+_very much enlightened_, still, as a medical student, she must know a
+great deal more than we do, so that we can learn from her. And since she
+said that girls ought not to be allowed to _run blindly into marriage_,
+I thought she would probably tell me a little if I went cautiously to
+work. There was a word which she and the mayor's wife used more than
+once, _segsual_ and I don't know what it means, and I'm sure you
+don't know either, darling Rita. She said something about _segsual
+intimacies_; of course when people talk about _intimacies_, one knows
+it has a meaning, but what on earth does segsual mean? It must mean
+something, since it is used with _intimacy_. Well, let me get on. On
+Saturday there was a party, and the medical student came, and I left my
+Alpine Songs lying on the piano, and somebody picked it up and turned
+over the pages, and the word went round that the person to whom it
+belonged must sing something. At first I did not let on, but went out
+for a moment, and then came back saying: "I'm looking for my music book,
+I left it lying about somewhere." There was a general shout, and everyone
+said: "We've agreed that the person to whom that book belongs has got to
+sing." Now I knew that Fraulein Karwinska had accompanied the singing on
+such evenings before. So I said: "I shall be delighted to sing, provided
+Fraulein K. will accompany me, For you gentlemen play too loud for my
+voice." Great laughter, but I had got what I wanted. We were introduced,
+and I thought to myself: You will soon improve the acquaintance. On
+Sunday for once in a way I got up quite early, at half past 6, for
+Fraulein K. can only go out walking early in the morning since she
+spends the whole day with her cousin. She sits near the Luisenquelle,
+so I went there with a book, and as soon as she came I jumped up, said
+"good-morning," and went on: "I'm afraid I've taken possession of _your_
+bench." "Not at all," she said, "Do you study on Sundays?" "Oh no, this
+is only light reading," I answered, and I made haste to sit on the book,
+for in my hurry I had not noticed what it was. But luck was with me. She
+sat down beside me and said: "What is it you are reading that you hide
+so anxiously? I suppose it's something that your mother must not know
+about." "Oh no," said I, "we have not brought any such books to the
+country with us." "I take it that means that you do manage to get them
+when you are in town?" "Goodness me, one must try and learn a little
+about _life_; and since no one will ever tell one anything, one looks
+about for oneself to see if one can find anything in a book." "In the
+encyclopedia, I suppose?" "No, that's no good, for one can't always find
+the truth there." She burst out laughing and said: "What sort of truth
+do you want?" "I think you can imagine very well what sort of things I
+want to know." Of course one can speak more plainly to a medical student
+than one can to other girls, and she was not in the least disgusted or
+angry but said: "Yes, it's the same struggle everywhere." Then I made use
+of your favourite phrase and said: "Struggle, what do you mean? What I
+really want to know about is being infected." Then she flushed up and
+said: "Who's been talking to you about that? It seems to me that the
+whole town is chattering about my unhappy cousin. You must see that _I_
+can't tell you that." But I answered: "If you don't, who will? _You_
+study medicine, and are seeing and talking about such things all day."
+"No, no, my dear _child_ (you can imagine how furious that made me), you
+are still much too young for _that sort of thing_." What do you think
+of that, we are too young at 14 1/2, it's utterly absurd. I expect that
+really her studies have not gone very far, and she would not admit it.
+Anyhow, I stood up, and said: "I must not disturb you any longer," and
+bowed and went away; but I thought to myself: "A fig for her and her
+_studies_; fine sort of a doctor _she_'ll make!" What do you think
+about it all? We shall still have to trust to the encyclopedia, and
+after all a lot of what we can learn there is all right, and luckily we
+know most things except the word segsual. Next winter I expect we shall
+find it easier than we used to to get to the bookcase in your house. I
+don't bow to the silly idiot any more.
+
+But darling Rita, with regard to the "innocent child," I don't want to
+influence you in any way, and I shan't be angry with you for preferring
+an _unworthy_ person to me!!! Faithless though you are, I send you half
+a million kisses, your ever faithful friend, H. P.S. I have been 4 days
+writing this letter; tear it up, _whatever_ you do!!!
+
+Now that I have copied the letter, I really can't see why Hella wants me
+to tear it up. There's nothing so very dreadful in it. But there is one
+thing I shan't be able to do for Hella, to help her in looking up things
+in the encyclopedia. I think I should always feel that Mother would
+suddenly come in and stand behind us. No, I simply can't do it.
+
+August 13th. Through that stupid copying I have been prevented writing
+about _my own_ affairs, although they are far more important. Last
+Wednesday the Society for the Preservation of Natural Beauties had
+arranged a great excursion to Inner-Lahn in breaks. Dora did not want
+to go at first, but Father said that if it would give _us_ pleasure,
+he would very much like to go with us, and Mother would be only too
+delighted to see that we were enjoying something once more. And two days
+before the excursion Dora finally decided that she would like to go;
+I knew why at once; she thought that by that time all the places would
+have been taken, and that we should have been told: Very sorry, no more
+room. But luckily she had made a _great_ mistake. For the secretary
+said: With pleasure; how many places shall I reserve? and so we said:
+7; namely, Father, Dora, and I, Aunt Alma (unfortunately), Marina (very
+unfortunately), and the two boys (no less unfortunately). "That will
+need an extra conveyance," replied the secretary, and we thought we
+should make a family party. But it was not so: Next Dora sat a gentleman
+whom I had seen once or twice before, and he paid her a tremendous
+amount of attention. Besides that there were 2 strange gentlemen,
+Frau Bang and her 2 daughters and her son, who is not quite all there;
+opposite was Hero Siegfried, a young lady who is I believe going on the
+stage, the two Weiner girls and their Mother (notwithstanding!!!), then
+I, and afterwards Marina, Father, Aunt Alma, and the two boys opposite.
+I don't know who made up the other break-loads. At 6 in the morning we
+all met outside the school, for the schoolmaster acted as our guide.
+I did not know before that he has two daughters and a son who has
+matriculated this year. First of all they held a great review, and the
+gentlemen fortified themselves with a nip and so did some of the ladies;
+I did not, for I hate the way in which a liqueur burns one's throat so
+that every one, at any rate girls and ladies, make such faces when they
+are drinking, that is why I never drink liqueur. I did not care much
+about the drive out, for it was very cold and windy, most of us had red
+noses and blue lips; I kept on biting my lips to keep them red, for one
+looks simply hideous when one's lips are white or blue, I noticed
+that in Dora when we were skating last winter. Father went only on our
+account, and Aunt Dora stayed at home so that Aunt Alma could go. Marina
+wears "snails" now, the sight of her is enough to give one fits. Dora
+gets on with her quite well, which is more than I can say for myself.
+Only when we got out aid I notice that Siegfried's sister, Fraulein
+Hulda, had been sitting next the aspiring actress. She is awfully nice,
+and many, many years ago she must have been very pretty; she has such
+soft brown eyes, and her hair is the same colour as her brother's; but
+he has glorious blue eyes, which get quite black when he is angry, as he
+was when he was talking about his father. I should tremble before him
+in his wrath. He is so tall that I only come up to his shoulder. Father
+calls him the red tapeworm; but that's really not fair. He is very broad
+but so thin. In Unter-Toifen we stopped for breakfast, eating the
+food we had brought with us; about half an hour; then the schoolmaster
+hurried us all away, for we had quite 10 miles to walk. The two boys
+made a party with other boys, and we five girls, we 2, the 2 Weiners,
+and Marina, led the way. Aunt Alma walked with a clergyman's wife from
+Hildesheim, or whatever it was called, and with the schoolmaster's wife.
+It was _awfully_ dull at first, so that I began to be sorry that I
+had begged Father to let us go. But after we had gone a few miles the
+schoolmaster's son and three bright young fellows came along and walked
+with us. Then we had such fun that we could hardly walk for laughing,
+and the elders had continually to drive us on. Marina was quite
+unrestrained, I could never have believed that she could be so jolly.
+One of the schoolmaster's daughters fell down, and some one pulled her
+out of the brook into which she had slid because she was laughing so
+much. I really don't know what time we got to Inner-Lahn, for we were
+enjoying ourselves so much. Dinner had been ordered ready for us, and we
+were all frantically hungry. We laughed without stopping, for we had all
+sat down just as we had come in, although Aunt Alma did not want us to
+at first. But she was outvoted. I was _especially pleased_ to show Hero
+Siegfried that I could amuse myself very well without him, for he had
+frozen on to the aspiring actress, or she had frozen on to him--I don't
+know which, or at least I did not know _then!_ Since we were sitting all
+mixed up everyone had to pay for himself, and Father said next day we
+had spent a perfect fortune; but that was not in the hotel, it happened
+later, when we were buying mementoes. And I think Dora gave Marina 3
+crowns, so that she could buy some things too. But Dora never lets on
+about anything of that sort. I must say I like her character better and
+better; in those ways she is very like Mother. Well, our purchases were
+all packed into two or three rucksacks, and were kept for a raffle in
+Unter-Toifen on the way back. I must have spent at least 7 crowns, for
+Father had given each of us 5 crowns before we started, and I still had
+a lot of my August pocket money left, and now I've got only 40 hellers.
+After we had had dinner and bought the things we lay about in the forest
+or walked about in couples. I had curled myself up for a nap when some
+one came up behind me, and when I sat up this _someone_ put his hands
+over my eyes and said: "The Mountain Spirit." And I recognised _his_
+hands _instantly_, and said: "Hero Siegfried!" Then he laughed like
+anything and sat down beside me and said: "You were enjoying yourself
+so much this morning that you had not even a glance to spare for me."
+"Contrariwise (I've got that from Dora), I never foist myself on anyone,
+and never _hang around anyone's neck_." Then he wanted to put his arm
+round my waist (and probably, most probably, he would have kissed me),
+but I sprang to my feet and called Dora or rather Thea, for before the
+gentlemen we pretend that we never call one another anything but Thea
+and Rita. Father says that that is awfully silly, and no longer suitable
+for Dora (but of course it was alright for me!), but we keep to our
+arrangement. Then he raised my hand to his lips and said: "Don't call!"
+But Dora came up, and with her the gentleman with the pincenez, who is
+a doctor of law belonging to the District Court of Innsbruck, and Marina
+and one of the young men, and I asked, "I say, when _are_ we going to
+have tea?" "Just fancy, she is hungry again already," they all said,
+and laughed like anything. And Dora looked _frightfully_ happy. She was
+wearing an edelweiss buttonhole which she had not been wearing before;
+in the evening she told me that Dr. P. had given it her. If possible he
+is even taller than Hero Siegfried, for Dora is taller than I am and her
+head only comes up to his ear. At 3 o'clock the last party came up to
+the belvedere, we had got there earlier. The view was lovely. But I must
+say I can enjoy a fine view much better when I am alone, that is with
+Father or quite a few persons; it is no good when there's such a crowd;
+each additional person seems to take something more away. In a lovely
+place and at the cemetery one must be alone. For a beautiful view
+usually makes one feel frightfully sad, and one ought not to have been
+laughing so much just before, or laugh directly afterwards. If I were
+alone in Inner-Lahn I'm sure I should become melancholy, for it is so
+gloriously beautiful there.
+
+At 4 o'clock, after tea, we started back, for the schoolmaster thought
+the descent would not take more than two hours and a half, but we needed
+more than three. For we were all very tired, and a great many of them
+had sore feet, especially Aunt Alma! We had said before, that it would
+be too much for Aunt; but she had to come with us to take care of
+Marina, though Marina enjoyed herself _extremely_ with a Herr Furtner,
+who is studying mining like Oswald, not in Leoben but in Germany. One
+does not really find out what a girl is like until one sees how she
+behaves with a man, or what she is like when one talks to her about
+_certain things_; as for the last, of course that's impossible with
+Marina _since the experience_ we had. But anyhow she is nicer than
+one would have thought at first sight. It was lovely on the way home.
+Driving back from Unter-Toifen we sat quite differently.
+
+In our break, instead of the Weiners, there were three students from
+Munich, they were awfully nice, and we sang all the songs we knew;
+especially "Hoch vom Dachstein, wo der Aar nur haust," and "Forelle"
+and "Wo mein Schatz ist," were lovely, and the people in two different
+breaks sang together. And then some of them sang some Alpine songs and
+yodelled till the hills echoed. Two or three of the men in the third
+break were rather tipsy and _Hero Siegfried!!_ was one of them. Aunt
+Alma had a frightful headache; it was utterly idiotic for her to come,
+and we did not know yet what was still to happen. At every house from
+which a girl had come there was a serenade. And next evening there was
+to be a great raffle of the mementoes we had bought, but Father would
+not let us go to that.
+
+August 14th. It is desperately dull. I don't know what on earth to do,
+so I am writing my diary. Besides, I have not written about the row yet.
+The next afternoon Aunt Alma came just as we were going out and said to
+Father: Ernst, please let me have a word with you. Now we all know Aunt
+Alma's _let me have a word with you_. In plain language it means: I'm
+going to make a scene. She began: "Ernst, you know I never like these
+big parties with a lot of strangers, for no good can come of them.
+Still, I made up my mind to go for the sake of the children, and chiefly
+for the sake of _your motherless_ children. (Nobody asked her to; and
+Aunt Dora had to stay at home on her account.) Do you know what sort of
+people were in our company? That impudent young student whom Gretel is
+always running after (did you ever hear anything like it! I should like
+to know when I ran after him; I suppose in the wood I put _my_ arm round
+_his_ waist, and I suppose that it was _I_ who began the acquaintance
+on my birthday) and that girl who's training for the stage did not come
+home after the excursion till the night was half over. God knows
+where they were! They were certainly no _cleaner_ when they got home.
+(Naturally, for where could they have had a wash.) His father gave the
+young blackguard a fine talking to, but of course the girl's mother
+takes her side. It would positively kill me to think of _my Marina doing
+anything of the kind_." Father was able to get a word in at last: "But
+my dear Alma, what has all this to do with my girls? As far as I know
+these two people weren't in our break, isn't that so girls?" I was glad
+that Father turned to _us_, and I said: "Siegfried Sch. and the girl
+drove in the fourth break, I saw them getting in. And it was toute meme
+chause where he drove and with whom he was driving." (Of course that's
+not true, but I said it was because of Aunt.) "Such language and such
+a tone to your own Father!" Directly she said that Father was in such a
+passion as I have never seen him in before. "My dear Alma, I really must
+beg you not to interfere with _my_ educational methods, any more than
+I ever attempt to interfere in _your_ affairs." Father said this quite
+quietly, but he was simply white with rage, and Dora told me afterwards
+that I was quite white too, also from rage of course. Aunt Alma said:
+"I don't want to prophesy evil, but the future will show who is right
+Goodbye." As soon as she had gone Dora and I rushed to Father and said:
+"Please Father, don't be so frightfully angry; there's no reason why you
+should." And Father was awfully sweet and said: "I know quite well that
+I can trust you; you are my Berta's children." And then I simply could
+not contain myself, and I said: "No, Father, I really did flirt with
+Siegfried, and in the wood he put his arm round my waist; but I did not
+let him kiss me, I give you my word I did not. And if you want me
+to I'll promise never to speak to him again." And then Father said:
+"Really, Gretel, you have plenty of time yet for such affairs, and
+even if that _red-haired rascal_ plays the gallant with you, he is only
+making himself a laughing-stock. And you don't want that, do you, little
+witch?" Then I threw my arms round Father and promised him _on my word
+of honour_ that I would never speak to Siegfried again. For it really
+distresses me very much that he should make himself ridiculous; and
+that he should go out walking half the night with that girl; such
+shamelessness!
+
+We were so much upset that we did not go for a walk, and of course did
+not go to the raffle. But I'm frightfully sorry about those things I
+paid 7 crowns for. I do hope he did not win any of them.
+
+August 15th. Just a few words more. Early this morning, as I was going
+to breakfast, in the corridor I met S. (it's a good thing that is the
+initial both of his name and of Strick [rascal] as Father called him)
+and he said: "Good morning, Fraulein Gretchen. Why weren't you at the
+raffle? Hadn't you any share?"--"Oh yes, I had bought 7 crowns worth for
+it, but I had no fancy for the company I should meet." -- -- Why, what
+has taken you all of a sudden? They were the same people as at the
+excursion! -- -- -- "Precisely for that reason," said I, and passed on.
+I think I gave him what for, for he simply must have understood. Father
+is really quite right, and it is not at all nice to abuse one's parents
+to strangers as he is always doing. I could not say a word against my
+parents to anyone, although I'm often frightfully angry with them; of
+course not about Mother, for she is dead. But not even about Father;
+I would rather choke down the greatest injustice. For when we had that
+trouble with Aunt Alma about Marina, I was really not in the least to
+blame, but he scolded me so, even while Aunt Alma was there, so that I
+can never forget it. But still, to a stranger, to some one whom I had
+only just got to know, I would never say a word against anyone in our
+family; though I used to get on so badly with Dora, I never said much
+against her even to Hella; at most that she was deceitful, and that
+really used to be so, though she seldom is now.
+
+August 19th. It is so filthyly dull here; I can't bear the word filthy,
+but it's the only one that's strong enough. Oswald is coming this
+evening, at last. Thank goodness. S. has made several _advances_, but I
+have _ignored_ them. Let him stick to his actress who can go out walking
+with him half the night. I really _should_ like to know where they
+went. In the night, I never heard of such a thing! Dora says she took a
+dislike to S. from the first because he -- -- -- -- -- it's an absolute
+lie! -- -- -- has clammy! hands. It's simply not true, on the contrary
+he has such entrancingly cool hands, I'm sure I must know that better
+than Dora. But I've known for a long time that whenever anyone pays
+_me_ attention Dora is _unsympathetic_, naturally enough. By the way, on
+Sunday I got a charming letter from Anneliese. I must answer it to-day.
+
+August 22nd. Oswald is awfully nice. He did not forget my birthday, but
+he says that at that time he was stoney, in student's slang that means
+that he hadn't any money, and then he could not find anything suitable,
+but that he will repair the omission as soon as we get back to Vienna.
+But I don't know what I should like. Oswald is going to stay until
+we all go back to Vienna, and we are making a few excursions _by
+ourselves_. That is really the best way after all. I am not much with
+the Weiners now, for we had a little tiff on the big excursion. But
+Nelly is rather taken with Oswald, so she came twice to our table
+to-day, once about a book we had lent her, and once to arrange for a
+walk.
+
+August 24th. It is really absurd that one's own brother can think such
+a lot of one; but if he does, I suppose he knows. Oswald said to
+me to-day: "Gretl, you are so smart I could bite you. How you are
+developing." I said: "I don't want anyone to bite me," and he said: "Nor
+do I," but I was awfully delighted, though he is only my brother. He
+can't stand Marina, and as a man he finds Dora too stupid; I think he's
+right, really. And I simply can't understand Dr. P., that he can always
+find something to talk about to Dora. He has hardly said 10 words to me
+yet. Still, I don't care.
+
+August 27th. We went up the Matscherkogel yesterday, and we had a lovely
+view. The two boys came, for they had begged their father to let them;
+but of course Aunt Alma and Marina did not come. Oswald calls Aunt Alma
+_Angular Pincushion_, but only when Father isn't there, for after all
+she is Father's sister. The Weiners wanted to come too, but I said
+that my brother was staying only a few days more, and that this was a
+"farewell excursion _en famille_." They were rather hurt, but they have
+made me very angry by the way in which they will go on talking about S.
+in front of me, on purpose, saying that he is engaged or is going to
+be engaged to the actress girl against his father's will. What does
+it matter to _me_? They keep on exchanging glances when they say that,
+especially Olga, who is really rather stupid. I am so sad now at times
+that I simply can't understand how I could have enjoyed myself so much
+on the big excursion. I'm always thinking of dear Mother, and I often
+wear my black frock. It suits my mood better.
+
+August 30th. I believe the Schs. are leaving to-morrow. At least the old
+gentleman said to Father the day before yesterday: "Thank the Lord, we
+shall soon be able to enjoy the comforts of home once more." That is
+what Hella's grandmother used to say before they came back from the
+country. And to-day I saw two great trunks standing in the passage just
+outside Herr Scharrer's room. Oswald thinks the old gentleman charming;
+well, there's no accounting for tastes. I don't believe he's ever
+spoken to S., though he is a German Nationalist too, but of a different
+section; Oswald belongs to the Sudmark, and S. abused that section
+frightfully when I told him that Oswald belonged to the Sudmark.
+
+August 31st. He has really gone to-day, that is, the whole family has
+gone. They came to bid us goodbye yesterday after supper, and they left
+this morning by the 9 o'clock train to Innsbruck. And his hands are not
+clammy, I paid particular attention to the point; it is pure imagination
+on Dora's part. He and Oswald greeted one another with Hail! That's a
+splendid salutation, and I shall introduce it between Hella and me.
+
+September 2nd. The Weiners left to-day too, because people are really
+beginning to stare at their mother too much. When Olga said goodbye to
+me she told me she hated having to travel with her mother and whenever
+possible she would lag behind a little so that people should not know
+they belonged together.
+
+September 4th. I never heard of such a thing!! S. has come back, alone
+of course. Everyone is indignant, for he has only come back because of
+Fraulein A., the actress girl. But Oswald defends him like anything.
+This afternoon Frau Lunda said to Aunt Dora: "It's simply scandalous,
+and his parents certainly ought not to have allowed him to come, even if
+the girl's mother does not know any better." Then Oswald said: "Excuse
+me, Frau Lunda, Scharrer is no longer a schoolboy who must cling to
+his mother's apron-string; such tutelage would really be unworthy of a
+full-grown German." I was so pleased that he gave a piece of his mind
+to Frau L., for she is always glaring at one and is so frantically
+inquisitive. And _tutelage_ is such an impressive word, S. used it once
+when he was speaking of his sister and why she had never married. Frau
+L. was furious. She turned to Aunt Dora and said: "Young men naturally
+take one another's part, until they are fathers themselves and then they
+hold other views."
+
+September 8th. Thank goodness we are going home the day after to-morrow.
+It really has been rather dull here, certainly I can't join in the paean
+Hella sang about the place last year; of course they were not staying in
+the Edelweiss boarding house but in the Hotel Kaiser von Oesterreich.
+It makes a lot of difference _where_ one is staying. By the way, it
+has just occurred to me. The young wife who had the eruption after
+_infection_ can't have been divorced, as Hella wrote me the week before
+last; for her husband has been there on a visit, he is an actor at the
+Theatre Royal in Munich. So it would seem that actors really are all
+_infected_; and Hella always says it is only officers! She takes rather
+an exaggerated view.
+
+September 14th. We have been back in Vienna since the 11th, but I have
+been absolutely unable to write, though there was plenty to write about.
+For the first person I met when I went out on the 11th to fetch
+some cocoa which Resi had forgotten, was Lieutenant R. Viktor, _the
+Conqueror!!_ Of course he recognised me immediately, and was awfully
+friendly, and _walked with me a little way_. He asked casually after
+Dora, but it is obvious that he is not in love with her any more. And
+it was so funny that he should not know that Dora had matriculated this
+year and so would not be going to the High School any more. I did not
+tell him that she intends to go on with her studies, for it is not
+absolutely settled yet.
+
+September 16th. Hella came home yesterday; I am so glad; I greeted her
+with: _Hail!_ but she said; "don't be silly," besides, it's unsuitable
+for an Austrian officer's daughter!!! Still, we won't quarrel about it
+after 2 months' separation, and _Servus_ is very smart too though not
+so distinguished. She told me a tremendous lot more about that young
+married woman; some of the ladies in B. said that her cousin was _in
+love_ with the husband. That would be awful, for then she would get
+infected too; but Hella says she did not notice anything, though she
+watched very closely during the fortnight he was there. He sang at two
+of the musical evenings, but she did not see any sign of it. Lizzi
+is _engaged_, but Hella could not write anything about it, for the
+engagement is only being officially announced now that they are back in
+Vienna; her fiance is Baron G. He is an attache in London, and she met
+him there. He is madly in love with her. In August he was on leave, and
+he came to B. to make an offer of marriage; that is why they stayed the
+whole summer in B. instead of going to Hungary. Those were the _special
+circumstances_, about which Hella said she could not write to me. I don
+t see why she could not have told me _that_, I should have kept it to
+myself; and after all, Lizzi is 19 1/2 now, and no one would have been
+surprised that she is engaged at last. They can't have a great betrothal
+party, for Baron G.'s father died in July. Hella is very much put out.
+Lizzi says it does not matter a bit.
+
+September 18th. Lizzi's betrothal cards arrived to-day. It must be
+glorious to send out betrothal cards. Dora got quite red with annoyance,
+though she said when I asked her: "Why do you flush up so, surely
+there's no reason to be ashamed when anyone is _engaged!_" "Really, why
+should you think I am ashamed, I am merely _extremely surprised_." But
+one does not get so red as _that_ from surprise.
+
+September 19th. School began to-day; unfortunately, for _she_ has gone.
+And what was the Third is now the Fourth, and that is detestable, to sit
+in the classroom without _her_. Luckily we have Frau Doktor St. as class
+mistress, and she is to teach us mathematics and physics once more;
+Frau Doktor F., whom we used to call Nutling and the Fifth used to call
+Waterfall has gone, for she has been appointed to the German High School
+in Lemberg. For the time being we are sitting in our old place, but
+Hella says we must ask Frau Doktor S. to let us have another seat, for
+the memory of the three years when we had Frau Doktor M. might make us
+inattentive. That is a splendid idea. In German we have a master, in
+French I am sorry to say it's still Frau Doktor Dunker, whose complexion
+has not improved, and in English the head mistress. I am very pleased
+with that, for first of all I like her very much, and secondly I shall
+be in her good books from the start because Dora was her favourite. Of
+course I'm not learning Latin, for it would not interest me now that
+Frau Doktor M. has gone. Oh, and we have a new Religion teacher, for
+Herr Professor K. has retired, since he was 60 already.
+
+September 21st. We have managed it. In the long interval, Hella said to
+Frau Doktor St., who was in charge. "Frau Doktor, may we venture to ask
+for something?" So she said: "What, in the very first week; well, what
+is it?" We said we should like to move from the third bench towards the
+window, for we found it very painful to go on sitting where we had sat
+when Frau Doktor M., was there. At first she refused, but after a while
+she said: "I'll see what I can do, if you are really not happy where
+you are." From 11 to 12 was the mathematic lesson, and as soon as Frau
+Doktor Steiner had taken her place she said: "This arrangement of
+your seats was only provisional. You had better sit more according to
+height." Then she rearranged us all, and Hella and I were moved to the
+5th bench on the window side; the two twins, the Ehrenfelds got our
+places; in front of us is Lohr and a new girl called Friederike Hammer
+whose father is a confectioner in Mariahilferstrasse. We are awfully
+glad that we have got away from that hateful third bench where _she_
+used so often to stand near us and lay her hand on the desk.
+
+September 29th. Professor Fritsch, the German professor, came to-day
+for the first time. He is always clearing his throat and he wears gold
+spectacles. Hella thinks him _tolerably_ nice, but I don't. I'm quite
+sure that I shall never get an Excellent in German again. Yesterday the
+new Religion master came for the first time, and I sat alone, for Hella
+being a Protestant did not attend. He looks frightfully ill and his eyes
+are always lowered though he has burning black eyes. Next time I shall
+sit beside Hammer which will be company for us both.
+
+October 2nd. We had confession and communion to-day, and since the staff
+will not allow us to choose our confessors, I had to go to Professor
+Ruppy. I did hate it. I whispered so low that he had to tell me to speak
+louder three times over. When I began about the sixth commandment he
+covered his eyes with his hand. But thank goodness he did not ask any
+questions about that. The only one of the staff who used to allow us to
+choose our confessors was Frau Doktor M. Really, she did not allow
+it directly but when one ran quickly to another confessional box, she
+pretended not to notice. The Herr Rel. Prof gives frightfully long
+penances; all the girls who went to him took a tremendous time to get
+through. I do hope he won't be so strict over his examinations or I
+shall get an Unsatisfactory; that would be awful. October 3rd. Father
+was so splendid to-day! Aunt Dora must have told him that I asked
+her not long ago whether Father was likely to marry Frau Riedl, whose
+husband died almost exactly the same time as Mother, for Father is
+guardian to her three children. She was here to-day with Willi, because
+he has just begun going to school. Dora and I talked it over, and
+she said that if Father married Frau R., she would leave home. In the
+evening when we were at supper, I said: "If only Frau v. R. was not
+so ugly. Father, don't you think she's perfectly hideous? And Father
+laughed so lovingly and said: You need not be anxious, little witch,
+I'm not going to inflict a stepmother on you." I was so glad, and so was
+Dora and we kissed Father such a lot, and Dora said: "I felt sure that
+you would never break your oath to Mother," and she burst out crying.
+And Father said: "No, girls, I did not give any promise to your Mother,
+she would never have asked anything of the kind. But with grown girls
+like you it would never do to bring a stepmother into the house." And
+then I told Father that Dora would have gone away from home, and as
+for me, I should certainly have been frightfully upset. For _if_ Father
+really wanted _to marry_ again _I_ should have to put up with it; and so
+would Dora. But Father said once more: "Don't worry, I certainly shan't
+marry again." And I said: "Not even Aunt Dora?" And he said: "Oh, as
+for her -- --" And then he pulled himself up and said: "No, no, not even
+Aunt Dora." Dora has just told me that I am a perfect idiot, for surely
+I must know that Father is not particularly charmed by Aunt. And then
+she blamed me for having told Father that she would leave home if he
+were to marry again. _I am a child_ to whom it is impossible to entrust
+any secrets!! Now we have been quarrelling for at least three quarters
+of an hour, so it is already half past 11. Luckily to-morrow is a
+holiday, because of the Emperor's birthday. But I am so glad to know for
+certain that Father is not going to marry Frau v. R I could never get on
+with a stepmother.
+
+October 9th. It's horribly difficult in German this year. In composition
+we are not allowed to make any rough notes, we have to write it straight
+off and then _hand it in_. I simply can't. Professor Fritsch is very
+handsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of him for he is so strict.
+His wife is in an asylum and his children live with his mother. He
+has got a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to be
+a Protestant he can marry again if he wants to. Hella is perfectly
+fascinated by him, but I'm not in the least. For I always think of Prof.
+W. in the Second, and that's enough for me. I'm not going to fall in
+love with any more professors. In the Training College, where Marina is
+now, in her fourth year one of the professors last year married a former
+pupil. I would not do that at any price, marry a former professor,
+who knows all one's faults. Besides, he must be at least 12 or 20 years
+older than the girl; and that's perfectly horrible, one might as well
+marry one's father; he would be at least fond of her, and she would at
+least know the way he likes to have everything done; but to marry one's
+former professor, what an extraordinary thing to do!
+
+October 15th. I'm frightfully anxious that Hella may have a relapse;
+she says that nothing would induce her to have a second operation,
+especially now that -- -- --; she says she would rather die. That would
+be awful! I did my best to persuade her to tell her mother that she has
+such pain; but she won't.
+
+October 19th. In November, Hella's father will be made a general and
+will be stationed in Cracow. Thank goodness she is going to stay here
+with her grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only go to
+Cracow at Christmas and Easter and in the summer holidays. She is
+frantically delighted. The good news has made her quite well again.
+Everyone at school is very proud that there will be a general's daughter
+in our class. It's true that there is a field-marshal's daughter in the
+Third, but he is retired. Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss over
+a retired officer.
+
+October 22nd. We are so much excited that we've hardly any time to learn
+our lessons. At Christmas last year some one gave Hella's mother several
+of Geierstamm's novels. The other day one of them was lying on the
+table, and when her mother was out Hella had a hurried look at it and
+read the title _The Power of Woman!!!_ When her mother had finished
+it, she watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, and now we are
+reading it. It's simply wonderful! It keeps me awake all night; Signe
+whom he is so passionately fond of and who deceives him. We cried so
+much that we could not go on reading. And Gretchen, the girl, to whom
+her father is everything; I can understand so well that she is always
+anxious lest her father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, although
+she has a husband already. And when she dies, oh, it's so horrible and
+so beautiful that we read it over three times in succession. The other
+day my eyes were quite red from crying, and Aunt said I must be working
+too hard; for she thinks that Hella and I are studying literature
+together. Oh dear, lessons are an awful nuisance when one has _such_
+books to read.
+
+October 24th. When I look at Father I always think of the novel _The
+Power of Woman_; of course leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopes
+she'll be able to get hold of some other book, but it's not so easy to
+do without her mother finding it out, for she often lends books to her
+friends. Then there would be an awful row. We certainly don't want to
+read _The Little Brother's Book_, the title does not attract us; but
+there's a novel called _The Comedy of Marriage_, it must be splendid; we
+_must_ get that whatever happens.
+
+October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep on their flat, and Hella's
+grandmother will come and live there; only the Herr _General!!!_ is
+going to C., and of course Hella's mother too. Lizzi will stay, for she
+is taking cooking lessons, since she is to be _married_ in Mid-Lent.
+
+October 31st. Hella's parents left to-day, she cried frightfully, for
+she did so want to go with them. Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for she
+is engaged already, and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas,
+either to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care which.
+
+November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were furious in the German
+lesson to-day. One or two of the girls did not know the proper places
+for commas, and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing at all
+in previous years. We understood perfectly well that he was aiming at
+Frau Doktor M., whose German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 times
+better than Professor F.'s. And on this very matter of punctuation Frau
+Doktor M. took a tremendous lot of trouble and gave us lots of examples.
+Besides, whether one has a good style or not does not depend upon
+whether one puts a _comma_ in the right place. The two Ehrenfelds, who
+towards the end were awfully fond of Frau Doktor M., say that we, who
+were Frau Doktor M.'s favourites, ought to write a composition without a
+single comma, just to show him. That's a splendid idea, and Hella and I
+will do it like a shot if only the others can be trusted to do it too.
+
+November 6th. This year all the classes _must_ have at least two outings
+every month, even in winter. If that had been decided in the last school
+year, when Frau Doktor M. was still there, I should certainly have gone
+every time. But this year, when she has left, we can't enjoy it. Frau
+Doktor St. is awfully nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we go
+somewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes with us, and Lizzi if
+she likes. As soon as the snow comes we are going to have tobogganing
+parties at Hainfeld or Lilienfeld.
+
+December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed without my writing, but I
+must write to-day! There's been such a row in the German lesson!! We got
+back the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 Ehrenfelds, Brauner,
+Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, had not put a single comma. Nothing would
+have been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in commas first
+and then scratched them out. We had agreed that if the Prof. noticed
+anything we would say we had meant to go through them together before
+the lesson, and to decide where to put in commas, but that we had had no
+time. Now the silly fool has given away the whole show. He is going to
+bring the matter before the staff meeting. But after all, it's simply
+_impossible_ to give 6 girls out of 25 a bad conduct mark.
+
+December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect the German lesson
+to-day. Afterwards she said that she expected us to make all the
+knowledge which Frau Doktor M. had instilled into us for 3 years, the
+firm foundation of our further development in the higher classes. In the
+English lesson she referred to the more restricted use of punctuation
+marks in English; and afterwards we 6 _sinners_ were summoned to the
+office. The whole school knew about the trouble and was astonished at
+our courage, especially the lower classes; the Fifth and the Sixth were
+rather annoyed that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The head
+gave us a terrible scolding, saying that it was an unexampled piece
+of impudence, and that we were not doing credit to Frau Doktor M. Then
+Hella said very modestly: "Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me to
+say a word in our defence?" Then she explained that Prof. Fritsch never
+missed a chance of casting a slur upon Frau Doktor M., not in plain
+words of course, but so that we could not fail to understand it, and
+that was why we acted as we did. The head answered we must certainly be
+mistaken, that no member of the staff could ever speak against another
+in such a way we had simply misunderstood Prof Fritsch! But we know
+perfectly well how often the Nutling used to say in the Maths lesson:
+"Don't you know _that_? Surely you _must_ have been taught that." The
+emphasis does it!!!!! The staff meeting is to-morrow, and we were told
+to do our best to make amends before the meeting. The 2 Ehrenfelds
+suggested that we should write the compositions over again, of course
+with all the commas, and should place them on his desk to-morrow morning
+before the German lesson; but all the rest of us were against this, for
+we saw plainly that the head had changed colour when Hella said what
+she did. We shall make the corrections and then we shall all begin new
+copybooks.
+
+December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff meeting, but not a word
+has been said yet about our affair, and in the German lesson yesterday
+the Prof. gave out the subject for the third piece of home work without
+saying anything in particular. I think he is afraid to. Hella has saved
+us all, for everyone else would have been afraid to say what she did,
+even I. Hella said: "My dear Rita, I'm not an officer's daughter for
+nothing;" if _I_ have not courage, who should have? The girls stare at us
+in the interval and whenever they meet us, though in the office the head
+said to us: "I do hope that this business will not be spread all over
+the school." But Brauner has a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler's
+sister is in the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard about
+it. I suppose nothing is going to be said to our parents or something
+would have happened already. Besides, to be on the safe side, I have
+already dropped a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, is
+no longer at the school, it is impossible that there can be much fuss.
+It was only at first that we were alarmed, but Hella was quite right
+when she said: "I'm sure nothing will happen to us, for _we are in the
+right_."
+
+December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora and I had gone to do our
+Christmas shopping, and we came across him just as we had turned into
+Tuchlauben. Dora got fiery red, and both their _voices trembled_. He
+does look fine, with his black moustache and his flashing eyes! And the
+green facings on his tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throat
+quickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with us as far as the
+Upper Market-place; he has another six-months furlough because of throat
+trouble; so Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied that
+-- -- -- -- --. When he said goodbye he kissed our hands, _mine as well
+as Dora's_, and smiled so sweetly, sadly and sweetly at the same time.
+Several times I wanted to turn the conversation upon him. But when Dora
+does not want a thing, you can do what you like and she won't budge;
+she's as obstinate as a mule! She's always been like that since she was
+quite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor not! That meant: Dora
+won't; little wretch! such a wilful little beast!
+
+December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing party on the
+Anninger; it was glorious, we kept on tumbling into the snow; the snow
+lay fairly thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. As we
+were going home such a ridiculous thing happened to Hella; she caught
+her foot on a snag and tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. She
+had to tie it on with a string, and even then she limped so badly
+that every one believed she had sprained her ankle tobogganing.
+Her grandmother was frightfully angry and said: "That comes of such
+_unladylike_ amusements!" Aunt Dora was very much upset, for she had
+been with us, but Father said: Hella's grandmother is quite an old lady,
+and in her day people had very different views in this respect. I should
+say so, _in this respect_, Hella finds it out a dozen times a day, all
+the things she must not say and must not do, and all the things which
+are unsuitable for young girls! Her grandmother would like to keep her
+under a glass shade; but not a transparent one, for she must not be able
+to see out, and _no one_ must be able to see _in_. (The last is the main
+point.)
+
+December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson before Christmas,
+and not a word more has been said about our affair. Hella has proved
+splendidly right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with every
+member of the staff, has congratulated her, and so has Hammer, who is
+a newcomer and did not know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o'clock the
+other day we met Franke; she goes now to a school of dramatic art, and
+says that the whole tone of the place is utterly different, she is so
+glad to have done with the High School. She had heard of the affair
+with Prof. F. and she congratulated us upon our _strength of character_,
+especially Hella of course. She says that the matter is common talk in
+all the High Schools of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl at
+the High School for the Daughters of Civil Servants, a girl whose sister
+is at the School of Dramatic Art. She is very happy there, but she is
+annoyed that such an institution should still be called a school; it's
+not a _school_ in the least; we would be astonished to see how free they
+all are. She is very pretty and has even more figure than she used
+to have. She speaks very prettily too, but rather too loudly, so that
+everyone turned round to look at us. She hopes that she will be able to
+invite us to see her debut in _one year!!!_ I should never be able to
+stand on a stage before a lot of strangers, I know I would never be able
+to get a word out.
+
+December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The day before yesterday she
+got such bad influenza and sore throat that she can't go to Cracow. She
+says she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas that has been
+spoiled, two years ago the appendicitis operation, and now this wretched
+influenza. She hopes her mother will come to Vienna, but if so her
+father will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we get on,
+Christmas without Mother, the first Christmas without Mother. I simply
+don't dare to think of it, for if I did it would make me cry. Dora says
+too that it can't be a proper Christmas without Mother. I wonder what
+Father will say when he sees Mother's portrait. I do hope the frame will
+be ready to-morrow. Hella is especially unhappy because she is not able
+to see Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same time with a
+lieutenant of dragoons whom we meet every day and who is a count, and
+he is madly in love with her. He knows that her father is a general, for
+when her father went to kiss the Emperor's hand he took Hella part of
+the way with him in the motor, and she was introduced to the lieutenant
+then. So now he salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall and
+looks fearfully aristocratic. But what annoys me with Hella is that she
+_invariably_ denies it when she is in love with anyone. I always tell
+her, or if she notices anything I don't deny it. What's the sense of it
+between friends? for example, the year before last she was certainly
+in love with the young doctor in the hospital. And in September when
+we came back from Theben with that magnificent lieutenant in the flying
+corps, I made no secret of the fact that I was frantically in love with
+him. But she did not believe me, and said: That is not real love, when
+people don't see one another for months and flirt with others between
+whiles. That was aimed at Hero Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it's
+really too absurd.
+
+December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor M., at least she is Frau
+Professor Theyer now, has written to me. I had sent her Christmas good
+wishes, and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time she wished
+me a happy New Year, _she took the lead in this_; it was heavenly. I was
+frightfully annoyed because Dora said that she had done it only to save
+herself the trouble of writing again; I'm sure that's not true. Dora
+always says things like that simply to annoy me. But her sweet, her
+divine letter, I carry it about with me wherever I go, and _her_
+photograph too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for that was
+all Hella had sent her. I can quite well fancy Frau Doktor M. as a
+stepmother, that is, not quite well, but better than anyone else. She
+wrote so sweetly about Mother, saying that of course I should find this
+Christmas less happy than usual. She is certainly right there. We can
+none of us feel as if the day after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve.
+The only thing that I really enjoy thinking of is the way Father will
+stare when he sees the portrait. But really in the first years after
+such a loss one ought not to keep Christmas, for on such days one feels
+one's sadness more than ever.
+
+December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do for Christmas, but I
+must write to-day. There was a ring at the front door this morning at
+about half past 11. I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, that
+she must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door open,
+prepared to greet Hella, and then I was simply kerblunxed, for there was
+a gentleman standing who asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knew
+him in a moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from Fieberbr. Meanwhile
+Dora had opened the drawing-room door, and now came the great proof of
+deceitfulness: She was _not in the least_ surprised, but said: "Ah, Dr.
+Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept your word." So it was plain that
+he had promised her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he was
+coming _to-day_, for she was wearing her best black silk apron with
+the insertions, such as we only wear when visitors are expected. What a
+humbug she is! So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt Dora came
+in and asked him to supper this evening. Then he went away. All the time
+he had not said a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticed
+that there was such a person as me in the world Not until he was
+actually leaving did he say: "Well; Fraulein, how are you?" "Oh well,"
+said I, "I'm much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother's
+death." Dora got as red as fire, for she understood. I shall know how to
+treat him _if_ he becomes my brother-in-law. But that may be a long way
+off; for he lives in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow Dora
+to marry away to Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly said a word, I was so
+enraged at this deceitfulness. But there is more to come. At 7, or
+whatever time it was, Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared in a
+white blouse with a black bow, and had remained in her room till the
+last minute so that I might not know what she was wearing. For I had
+believed she would wear her black dress with the insertions, and so I
+was wearing mine. Oh well, that did not matter. At supper he talked all
+the time to Dora, so I purposely talked to Oswald. Then he said that on
+March 1st he was going to be transferred to Vienna. Once more Dora was
+not in the least astonished, so _she must have known all about it!_ But
+now I remember quite well that in October the postman handed me a letter
+for her with the Innsbruck postmark. So she was _corresponding with
+him openly the whole time_, less than 6 months after Mother's death.
+It really is too bad! But when I was chattering about the country, she
+kicked me under the table as a hint not to laugh so frightfully. And
+when my brother-in-law in spe, oh how it does make me laugh, two or
+three years ago, in Goisern I think it was, we used to call Dora Inspe,
+because she had said of Robert Warth and me: The bridal pair in spe! And
+now she is in the same position. When he went away in the evening I was
+trembling lest Father should invite him to the Christmas tree, but
+thank goodness when Father asked: "What are you doing with yourself
+to-morrow," he answered: "To-morrow I am spending the day with my
+sister's family, she is married to a captain out Wieden way." Thank
+goodness that came to nothing, for we are not at all in the mood for
+visitors, especially the first Christmas without Mother. And if she knew
+-- -- -- I wish I knew what really happens to the soul. Of course I gave
+up believing in Heaven long ago; but the soul must go somewhere. There
+are so many riddles, and they make one so unhappy; in a newspaper
+feuilleton the other day I saw the title of a chapter: _The Riddle of
+Love_. But _this_ riddle does not make people sad, as one can see by
+Dora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, seem alike in this
+respect. I remember what Hella told me about Lizzi's engagement. It is
+true, she had first made his acquaintance in London, not at home; but
+there was just the same deceitfulness. What on earth does it mean?
+Would it not be much more kindly and reasonable to tell your sister
+_everything_? Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be an ally. Oh
+well, _I_ don't care, I'm not going to let my Christmas Eve be disturbed
+by a thing _like that_; if one can call it a _Christmas Eve_ at all.
+On Boxing Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I shall tell Hella
+that I want to come to her and her grandmother. After all, I am glad she
+has stayed in Vienna.
+
+December 25th. Christmas Eve was _very_ melancholy. We all three got
+Mother's picture, life size in beautiful green frames, for our rooms.
+Dora sobbed out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and put
+my arms around him. His eyes were quite wet; for he adored Mother. Only
+Oswald did not actually cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was so
+glad that Dr. P. was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to cry
+before strangers. We _both_ got lovely white guipure blouses, not lace
+blouses, then Aunt gave me a splendid album for 500 postcards, and
+she also gave me an anthology which I had asked for. Brahms' Hungarian
+Dances, because Dora would not lend me hers last year because she said
+they were too difficult for me; as if _that_ were any business of hers;
+surely my music mistress is a better judge; then some writing paper
+with my monogram, a new en-tout-cas with everything complete, and hair
+ribbons and other trifles. Father was awfully delighted with Mother's
+portrait; of course we had not known that he was getting us life-size
+portraits of Mother, and from the last photograph of the winter before
+last we had quite a small likeness painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is a
+painter, and who knew Mother very well--in colour of course. And we got
+a lovely rococo frame to close up; when it is open it looks as if Mother
+were looking out of the window. That was _my_ idea, and Herr Milanowitz
+thought it _most original_. Dora considered it very awkward that he
+would not take any money for it, but it made it possible for us to get a
+much more elegant frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are going
+to send Herr M. some of the best cigars, bought with _our own_ money,
+I wanted to send them for Christmas, but we don't know anything about
+cigars, and we did not want to tell anyone because one can never know
+whether one won't be betrayed and you will be told it is unintentional;
+but that is not true, for when one betrays anything one has always
+secretly intended to do so; and then one says it was a slip of the
+tongue; but one really knows all the time. I can't write down all the
+extra things that Dora got, only one of them: At 7 o'clock just when
+Father was lighting the candles on the tree, a commissionaire brought
+some lovely roses with two sprays of mistletoe interwoven and beneath a
+nosegay of violets -- -- -- of course from Dr. P. with a card, but she
+would not let anyone read that. All she said was: "Dr. P. sends
+everyone Christmas greetings; I believe he had really written: _Merry_
+Christmas," but Dora did not dare to say _that_. Oh, and Hella gave me
+a bead bag, and I gave her a purse with the double eagle on it, for she
+wanted a purse that would have a military look. I never knew anyone with
+such an enthusiasm for the army as Hella; certainly I think officers
+look awfully smart; but surely it's going too far when she feels that
+other men practically don't exist. The others have to learn a lot, for
+example doctors, lawyers, mining engineers, not to speak of students
+at the College of Agriculture, for perhaps these last "hardly count"
+(that's the phrase Hella is always using); but all of them have to learn
+a great deal more than officers do; Hella never will admit that, and
+always begins to talk of the officers of the general staff; as if they
+_all_ belonged to the general staff! We have often argued about it.
+Still, I do hope she will get an officer for her husband, of course one
+who is well enough off to marry, for otherwise it's no go; for Father
+says the Bruckners have no private means. It's true he always says that
+of us too, but I don't believe it; we are not so to say rich, but I
+fancy we should both of us have enough money for an officer to be able
+to marry us. Anyhow, Dora voluntarily renounces that possibility, _if_
+she is really going to marry Dr. P.
+
+27th. Well, I went to Hella's yesterday and stayed till 9, and on
+Christmas Day she was here. I see that I wrote above that the Bs. were
+not well off; it seems to me to be very much the reverse. We always get
+a great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and on our birthdays
+and name days (of course Protestants don't have these last), but we
+don't give one another such splendid things as the Bs. do. Hella had
+been given a piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear at the
+dancing class which must have cost at least 50 crowns, and a lace collar
+and cuffs, which we had seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns,
+then she had a gold ring with an emerald, and a number of smaller things
+which she never even looked at. And to see all the things her sister
+got, things for her _trousseau!_ And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12
+crowns whilst ours cost only 7, though ours was just as good. So I think
+that the Bs. really have plenty of money, and I said to Hella: "You must
+be enormously rich." And she said: "Oh well, not so rich as all that; I
+must not expect to marry an officer on the general staff. Lizzi has done
+very well for herself for Paul is a baron and is very well off. He is
+frantically in love with her; queer taste, isn't it?" I quite agree, for
+Lizzi has not much to boast of in the way of looks, beautiful fair hair,
+but she is so awfully thin, not a trace of b -- --, Hella has much more
+figure. And if one hasn't any by the time one is 20 one is not likely to
+get one.
+
+Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella asked me: "I say, what's
+the Christian name of that Dr. who is dangling after your sister?" Then
+it struck me for the first time that on his visiting card he only has
+Dr. jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered that last summer, when we
+first made his acquaintance, Dora said, It's a pity he's called August,
+the name does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt quite
+ill, for of course Hella began to sing: "O du lieber Augustin," and
+then I thought of Der dumme August [clown's nickname in circus] and we
+wondered what Dora would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, my darling
+Augi, my beloved Gusterl, oh dear, we were in fits of laughter. Then
+we discussed what names we should like to have for our husbands, and I
+said: Ewald or Leo, and Hella said: Wouldn't you like Siegfried? But I
+put my hand on her mouth and said: "Shut up, or you will make me really
+angry, _that_ is and must remain forgotten." She said what she would
+like best would be to have a husband called Peter or Thamian or
+Chrysostomus; then for a pet name she would use Dami or Sosti; and then
+she said quite seriously that she would only marry a man called Egon, or
+Alexander, or at least Georg. Just at that moment her mother came in to
+call us to tea, and she said: "What's an that about Alexander and Georg?
+You are such dreadful girls. If you are alone together for a couple
+of minutes (I had come at half past 2 and the Brs. have tea at 4,
+and that's what Hella's mother calls 2 minutes), you begin to talk of
+unsuitable things." Hella was afraid her mother would think God knows
+what, so she said: "Oh no, Mother, we were only discussing what names we
+should like our fiances to have." You ought to have seen how her mother
+went on. "That's just it, that when you are barely 15 (I'm not 15 yet)
+you should have nothing but _such_ things in your heads!" _Such_ things,
+how absurd. At tea it was almost as dull as it was the other evening
+at home; for the Herr Baron was there, that is, they all say Du to one
+another now, for the wedding is to be in February, as soon as it is
+settled whether the Baron is to stay in London or to be transferred to
+Berlin. It must be funny to say "Du" to a strange man. Hella says she
+soon got used to it, and that she likes Paul well enough. When he brings
+Lizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, he always gives
+Hella a box for herself. _Other_ people would certainly not do that, and
+I know _other_ people who wouldn't accept it. When I got home, Father
+said: Well, another time I think you'd better stay and sleep at the
+Brs., and I said: I did not want to be a killjoy here. And Oswald said:
+"What you need is a box on the ear," Father was luckily out of the room
+already and so I said: "_Your_ children, if you ever have any, can be
+kept in order by boxing their ears till they are green and blue, but you
+have no rights over your sisters, Father told you so in Fieberbrunn."
+"Oh, I know Father always backs you two up, he has done so from the
+first." "Please don't draw me into your quarrels," said Dora, as if she
+had been something quite different from me. And then Aunt Dora said: "I
+do wish you would not keep on quarreling." "_I_ didn't begin it," said
+I, and went away without saying goodnight; that is I went to Father's
+room to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt Dora in the hall, but I
+_didn't_ say goodnight to Oswald and Dora, for I'm not going to put up
+with _everything_. And now it's half past 11 already, for I have been
+writing such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I'm _very_
+unhappy. Even Hella doesn't know how unhappy I am. I must go to bed
+now; whether I shall sleep or not is another question. If I can possibly
+manage it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow.
+
+31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. Her father and mother
+returned to Cracow yesterday evening, and she told her grandmother she
+was going to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going to the
+Brs., so we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella went for a walk round the
+cemetery while I went to darling Mother's grave. I am so unhappy; Hella
+consoles me as much as she can, but even she can't understand.
+
+January 1, 19--! Of course we did not keep New Year's Eve yesterday, but
+were quite alone and it was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. brought
+Dora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some lovely violets as a
+New Year's greeting. He is leaving on the 4th, so he is coming here
+on the evening of the 3rd. I can't say I look forward to it. To-morrow
+school begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that means good luck;
+Father says it is a scandal the way the dirt carts go on all through the
+day in Vienna, and that one should see one even on New Year's day at 2
+in the afternoon. But still, if it means _good luck!_
+
+January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. We had a real piece of
+_luck_ to-day! In the big interval I noticed a little knot of girls in
+the hall, and suddenly I felt as if my heart would stop beating. Frau
+Doktor M., I should say Frau Professor Theyer, was standing among them,
+she saw us directly and held out her hand to us so we kissed it. She has
+come to visit her parents and _her husband_ is with her; since she did
+not know for certain whether she would be able to come to the school she
+had not written either to me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely and
+so entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and Frau Doktor
+Dunker came in I saw that _she_ was still standing outside. So I put my
+handkerchief up to my face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed out
+to her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held out her arms to
+me. Hardly had I reached her, when Hella came out and said: "Of course I
+understood directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go and look
+after you." Then the Frau Professor laughed like anything and said: "You
+are such wicked little actresses; I must send you back immediately." But
+of course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then we begged her
+to let us stay with her, but she said: "No, no, I've been your teacher
+here, and I must not encourage you in mischief. But here is a better
+idea. Would you like to come and see me to-morrow?" "Rather," we both
+exclaimed. She said she was staying in a hotel, but we must not come
+alone to a hotel, so she would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse,
+and we were to come there at 4 or half past. Then we kissed both her
+hands and were so happy! To-morrow at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more and
+nearly a whole day to wait. "If your parents allow you," she said; as
+if Father or even Hella's grandmother would not allow _that!_ All Father
+said was: "All right Gretel, but don't go quite off your head first or
+you won't be able to find your way to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as crazy as
+you are?" Of course, how can one be otherwise?
+
+January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it's awful, Hella is coming to fetch me at
+half past 3. In school to-day we kept on looking at one another, and all
+the other girls thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness,
+what do we care about a man now! We had a splendid idea, that we had
+just time to make a memento for _her_, since she does not leave until
+the evening of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow silk
+for a book marker an edelweiss and her monogram E. T., the new one of
+course. Hella is painting a paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic.
+I would rather have done something of that sort too, but I have no
+patience for such work, so I often spoil it before I've finished. But
+one can't very well spoil a piece of embroidery. But I shan't get the
+tracing on the silk back from the shop until half past 3, so I shall
+have to work all night and the whole day to-morrow.
+
+Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever way you like to
+take it, the idiot at the shop had forgotten about the bookmarker and I
+shan't get it until to-morrow morning early. So I'm able to write now:
+It was heavenly! We had to walk up and down in front of her house for
+at least half an hour, until at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was so
+sweet to us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but we _simply would not
+have it_, and so she said Du as she used to. We talked of all sorts of
+things, I don't know what, only that I suddenly burst out crying, and
+then she drew me to her b -- --, no, I can't write that about her; she
+drew me to herself and than I felt _her heart beating!_ and went almost
+crazy. Hella says that I put both my arms round her neck, but I'm sure
+that's all imagination, for I should never have dared. She has such
+fascinating hands, and the _wedding ring_ glistens so on her divine
+ring finger. Of course we talked about the school, and then she suddenly
+said: Tell me what really happened about those compositions, when half
+the class deliberately refrained from putting any punctuation marks.
+"Oh," we said, "that is a frightful cram, it wasn't _half_ the class,
+but only 6 of us who have a special veneration for you." Then we told
+her how it all came about. She laughed a little, and said: "Well, girls,
+you did not do me any particular _service_. It really was a great piece
+of impertinence." But I said: "Prof. Fritsch's remarks were 10 times
+more impertinent, for they related to another member of the staff, and
+what was worse to you." Then she said: "My darling girls, that often
+happens in life, that the absent are given a bad reputation, whether
+justly or unjustly; one is liable to that in every profession." Hella
+said that the head mistress was not like that or there would have been a
+frightful row, since the matter had become known in all the High Schools
+of Vienna. Then Frau Doktor M. said: "Yes, the Frau Direktorin is really
+a splendid woman." Then there came something glorious, or really 2
+glorious things: (1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, better than I
+have ever eaten before. Hella agrees, and we are really connoisseurs in
+the matter of sweets. The second thing, even more glorious, was this:
+after we had been there some time, there was a knock at the door and in
+came _her_ husband, the Herr Prof., and said: "How are you my treasure?"
+and to us: "Goodday, young _ladies_." Then she introduced us, saying:
+"Two of my best-loved pupils and my most faithful adherents." Then the
+Herr Prof. laughed a great deal and said: "That can't be said of all
+pupils." So I said quickly: "Oh yes, it can be said of Frau Doktor, the
+whole class would go through fire for her." Then he went away, and she
+said: "Excuse me for a moment," and we could hear quite plainly that _he
+kissed her_ in the next room, and then she said as she came in again:
+"Oh well, be off with you, Karl, goodbye." It's a pity his name is Karl,
+it's so prosaic, and he calls her Lise, and I expect when they are alone
+he calls her Lieschen, since he is a North German. I must go to bed,
+it's half past 11 already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, my
+sweet glorious ecstatic golden and only treasure! God, I am so happy.
+
+January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, and we can't go
+tobogganing because Dora has a _chill!!!_ I got the bookmarker on the
+4th, worked at it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got up
+at half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and at 2 o'clock we
+took our mementoes to the house. Though we should have liked to give
+them to her ourselves, we didn't, but only gave them to the maid. She
+said: Shall I show you in? but Hella said: "No, thank you, we don't want
+to disturb Frau Theyer, and when I reproached her for this she said: Oh
+no, it was better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you know what _she_
+said: But my dear child, you will make yourself ill; you must not do
+that on _my_ account!" Oh dear, I'm crying so that I can hardly write,
+but I _must_ write, for there is still so much that's glorious to put
+down, things that I must never, never forget, even if it should take me
+a week to write. The great thing is that I shall simply live upon this
+memory, and the only thing I want in life is that I may see _her_ once
+more. Of course we took her some flowers on Friday, I lilies of the
+valley with violets and tuberoses, and Hella Christmas roses. She was
+delighted, and went directly to fetch 2 vases which her mother brought
+in. She is as small as Frau Richter, and her hair is grey, she is
+charming; but she is not in the least like Frau Doktor M. When we said
+goodbye she offered us still more sweets, but since we were both nearly
+crying already we did not want to take any more, but she wrapped them
+nearly all up for us, saying: "To console you in your sorrow." From
+anyone else it might have sounded ironical, but from her it was simply
+lovely. There were 17 large sweets, and Hella gave me 9 of them and took
+only 8 for herself. I shall eat only one every day, so that they will
+last me 9 days. _Joy and sorrow combined!!_ Hella is not so frightfully
+in love as I am, and yesterday she said, in joke of course: "It seems to
+me that your whole world is foundered; I must pull you out, or you'll
+be drowned." And then she asked me how I could have been so stupid as to
+use the word _honeymoon_ to _her_, although she hemmed to warn me.
+She said it really was utterly idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof.
+blushed. I did not notice it myself, but when her _husband_ came in, she
+certainly did flush up like anything. Hella and I talked of quite a lot
+of _other things of that sort_. I should so much have liked to ask her
+whether she has given up going to church, for I think the Herr Prof.
+really is a Jew, though he does not _look_ like one. For lots of other
+men wear black beards. But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinks
+it is a very good thing I did not, for one _does not talk about such
+things_. I wonder _whether she will have a baby_? Oh, it would be
+horrible. Of course she may have entered into a _marriage_ contract,
+that would have been the best way. However, Hella thinks that the
+professor would not have agreed to anything of the kind. But surely if
+he was frantically in love with her . . .
+
+January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically jealous. We did
+not say in so many words that we, alone among them all, had been invited
+to see her, but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given us and
+in the interval she said: This must be eaten reverently, and she cut it
+in two to give me half. The Ehrenfelds thought it must have been given
+by some acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude said: "Doubly
+sweetened, by chocolate and love." "Yes," said I, "but not in the sense
+you imagine." And since she said: "Oh, of course, I know all about that,
+but I don't want to be indiscreet," Hella said: "I may as well tell you
+that Frau Doktor M., or I should say the _married_ Frau Prof. Theyer,
+gave us this sweet and a great many more on the day she had invited
+us to go and see her." Then they were all utterly kerblunxed and
+said: "Great Scott, what luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M.'s
+favourites, especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau Doktor M."
+
+January 17th. The whole school knows about our being invited to see her,
+the glorious one! I've just been reading it over, and I see that I have
+left a frightful lot out, especially about her father. When we were
+leaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying because as
+I opened the door I had said, For the last time! Just then an old
+gentleman came up and was about to go in, and when he saw that we were
+crying, though we were standing quite in the shadow, he came up to us
+and asked what was the matter. Then Hella said: "We have lost out best
+friend." Then the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously long
+time and said: "I say, do you happen to be the two ardent admirers of
+Frau Doktor Mallburg? She is my daughter, you know. And then he said:
+But you really can't go through the streets bathed in tears like that.
+Come upstairs again with me and my daughter will console you." So we
+really did go upstairs again, and she was perfectly unique. Her father
+opened the door and called out: Lieserl, your admirers simply can't part
+from you, and I found them being washed out to sea in a river of tears.
+Then she came out wearing a _rose-coloured dressing-gown!!!_ exquisite.
+And she led us into the room and said: "Girls, you must not look at me
+in this old rag, which is only fit to throw away." I should have liked
+to say: "Give it to _me_ then." But of course I could not. And when we
+made our final goodbye, perhaps _for ever_, she kissed each of us _twice
+over_ and said: Girls, I wish you all the happiness in the world!
+
+January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to meet Lajos and Jeno. But
+I'm not going, for Jeno does not interest me in the very least. That
+was not a _real_ love. I don't care for anyone in the whole world except
+her, my one and only! Even Hella can't understand that, in fact she
+thinks it _dotty_. Father wanted me to go to Hella's _to change the
+current of my thoughts_. Of course I hardly say a word about _her_ to
+anyone, for no one understands me. But I never could have believed that
+Father would be just like anyone else. It's quite true that I'm getting
+thin. I'm so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day because Dora
+has a chill, a _real_ chill this time. So I am going to the church in
+Schwindgasse and shall walk up and down in front of _her_ house; perhaps
+I shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her the day before
+yesterday.
+
+January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to me _by return!_ This is the
+second letter I have had from her! At dinner to-day Father said: "Hullo,
+Gretel, why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen you with
+such a sunny face for a long time." So I answered in as few words as
+possible: "After dinner I will tell _you_ why." For the others need not
+know anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely that Frau Prof.
+Th. had written to me, Father said: "Oh, is _that_ what has pleased you
+so much. But I have something up my sleeve which will also please you.
+February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, you have 2 days free, and if
+you and Hella can get a day off from school on Saturday we might make an
+excursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?" It would be glorious,
+if only Hella is allowed to come, for her grandmother imagines that the
+sore throat she had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on the
+Anninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! As if _we_ could help
+that. Still, by good luck she may have forgotten it; she is 63 already,
+and one forgets a lot when one is that age.
+
+Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! Perhaps we shall try a
+little skiing. But really Hella is a horrid pig; she said: "All right,
+I'll come, if you'll promise not to be continually talking about Frau
+Professor Th. I'm very fond of her too, but you are simply crazy about
+her." It's really too bad, and I shall never mention _her_ name to
+the others any more. I am looking forward so to the tobogganing at
+Mariazell. We've never made any such excursion in winter before. Hurrah,
+it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the 31st of January were here; I'm
+frantically excited.
+
+
+
+EDITOR'S NOTE
+
+
+Rita's joyful expectations of tobogganing among glistening snow-clad
+hills, remained unfulfilled. The rude hand of fate was thrust into the
+lives of the two sisters. On January 29th their father, suddenly struck
+down with paralysis, was brought home in an ambulance, and died in a few
+hours without recovering consciousness.
+
+Torn from the sheltering and affectionate atmosphere of home, separated
+from her most intimate friend, the young orphan had to struggle for
+peace of soul in the isolation of a provincial town -- -- --
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's A Young Girl's Diary, by An Anonymous Young Girl
+
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