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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells
+#61 in our series by W. D. Howells
+
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
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+
+Title: The Albany Depot
+       A Farce
+
+Author: W. D. Howells
+
+Release Date: January, 2005 [EBook #7364]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on April 21, 2003]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Eric Eldred
+
+
+
+
+
+THE ALBANY DEPOT
+
+A FARCE
+
+BY
+
+W. D. HOWELLS
+
+NEW YORK
+
+HARPER AND BROTHERS
+
+1892
+
+Copyright, 1891, by HARPER & BROTHERS
+
+
+
+(THE ACTION PASSES IN BOSTON)
+
+_MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS; THE CHOREWOMAN_
+
+Mrs. Roberts, with many proofs of an afternoon's shopping in her hands
+and arms, appears at the door of the ladies' room, opening from the
+public hall, and studies the interior with a searching gaze, which
+develops a few suburban shoppers scattered over the settees, with
+their bags and packages, and two or three old ladies in the
+rocking-chairs. The Chorewoman is going about with a Saturday
+afternoon pail and mop, and profiting by the disoccupation of the
+place in the hour between the departures of two great expresses, to
+wipe up the floor. She passes near the door where Mrs. Roberts is
+standing, and Mrs. Roberts appeals to her in the anxiety which her
+failure to detect the object of her search has awakened: "Oh, I was
+just looking for my husband. He was to meet me here at ten minutes
+past three; but there don't seem to _be _any gentlemen."
+
+The Chorewoman: "Mem?"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "I was just looking for my husband. He was to meet me
+here at ten minutes past three; but there don't seem to be any
+gentlemen. You haven't happened to notice--"
+
+The Chorewoman: "There's a gentleman over there beyant, readin',
+that's just come in. He seemed to be lukun' for somebody." She applies
+the mop to the floor close to Mrs. Roberts's skirts.
+
+Mrs. Roberts, bending to the right and to the left, and then, by
+standing on tiptoe, catching sight of a hat round a pillar: "Then it's
+Mr. Roberts, of course. I'll just go right over to him. Thank you ever
+so much. Don't disturb yourself!" She picks her way round the area of
+damp left by the mop, and approaches the hat from behind. "It _is_
+you, Edward! What a horrid idea I had! I was just going to touch your
+hat from behind, for fun; but I kept myself from it in time."
+
+Roberts, looking up with a dazed air from the magazine in his hand:
+"Why, what would have happened?"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, you know it mightn't have been _you_."
+
+Roberts: "But it _was_ I."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Yes, I know; and I was perfectly sure of it; you're
+always so prompt, and I always wonder at it, such an absent-minded
+creature as you are. But you came near spoiling everything by getting
+here behind this pillar, and burying yourself in your book that way.
+If it hadn't been for my principle of always asking questions, I never
+should have found you in the world. But just as I was really beginning
+to despair, the Chorewoman came by, and I asked her if she had seen
+any gentleman here lately; and she said there was one now, over here,
+and I stretched up and saw you. I had such a fright for a moment, not
+seeing you; for I left my little plush bag with my purse in it at
+Stearns's, and I've got to hurry right back; though I'm afraid they'll
+be shut when I get there, Saturday afternoon, this way; but I'm going
+to rattle at the front door, and perhaps they'll come--they always
+stay, some of them, to put the goods away; and I can tell them I don't
+want to buy anything, but I left my bag with my purse in it, and I
+guess they'll let me in. I want you to keep these things for me,
+Edward; and I'll leave my shopping-bag; I sha'n't want it any more.
+Don't lose any of them. Better keep them all in your lap here
+together, and then nobody will come and sit on them." She disburdens
+herself of her packages and parcels, and arranges them on her
+husband's knees, while she goes on talking. "I'm almost ready to drop,
+I'm so tired, and I do believe I should let you go up to Stearns's for
+me; but you couldn't describe the bag so they would recognize it, let
+alone what was in it, and they wouldn't give it to you, even if they
+would let you in to inquire: they're much more likely to let a lady in
+than a gentleman. But I shall take a coupe, and tell the driver simply
+to fly, though there's plenty of time to go to the ends of the earth
+and back before our train starts. Only I should like to be here to
+receive the Campbells, and keep Willis from buying tickets for Amy and
+himself, and us, too, for that matter; he has that vulgar passion--I
+don't know where he's picked it up--for wanting to pay everybody's
+way; and you'd never think of your Hundred-Trip ticket-book till it
+was too late. Do take your book out and hold it in your hand, so
+you'll be sure to remember it, as soon as you see Willis. You had
+better keep saying over to yourself, 'Willis--Hundred-Trip
+Tickets--Willis--Hundred-Trip Tickets;' that's the way _I_ do. Where
+_is_ the book? I have to remember everything! _Do_ keep your
+ticket-book in your hand, Edward, till Willis comes."
+
+Roberts: "But I want to read, Agnes, and I've got to hold my _Pop.
+Sci._ with one hand and keep your traps in my lap with the other. Did
+you find a cook?"
+
+Mrs. Roberts, with rapturous admiration of him: "Well, Edward, you
+_have_ got a brain! I declare, the cook had utterly gone out of my
+mind. Forgetting that plush bag makes me forget everything. I've got
+a splendid one--a perfect treasure. She won't do any of the wash, and
+we'll have to put that out; and she's been used to having a
+kitchen-maid; but she said we were such a small family that she could
+shell the pease herself. She's the most respectable-looking old thing
+you ever saw; and she's been having ten dollars a week from the last
+family she was in; but she'll come the summer with us for six. I was
+very fortunate to get her; all the good girls are snapped up for the
+sea-side in May, and they won't go into the country for love or money.
+It was the greatest chance! She's such a neat, quiet, lady-like
+person, and all the better for being Irish and a Catholic: Catholics
+_do_ give so much more of a flavor; and I never could associate that
+Nova Scotia, sunken-cheeked leanness of Maria's with a cook. This
+one's name is--well, I forget what her name is; Bridget, or Norah, or
+something like that--and she's a perfect little butter-ball. She's
+coming to go out on the same train with us; and she'll get the dinner
+to-night; and I sha'n't have the mortification of sitting down to a
+pickup meal with Amy Campbell, the first time she has visited us;
+she's conceited enough about her house-keeping as it is, I'm sure, and
+I wouldn't have her patronizing and pitying me for worlds. The cook
+will be here at half-past three precisely; I had to pretend the train
+started a little earlier than it does so as to make her punctual; they
+_are_ such uncertain things! and I don't suppose I shall be back by
+that time, quite, Edward, and so you must receive her. Let me see!"
+She glances up at the clock on the wall. "It's just quarter-past now,
+and our train goes at ten minutes to four--My goodness! I'll have to
+hurry."
+
+The Colored Man who cries the trains, walking half-way into the room
+and then out: "Cars ready for Cottage Farms, Longwood, Chestnut Hill,
+Brookline, Newton Centre, Newton Highlands, Waban, Riverside, and all
+stations between Riverside and Boston. Circuit Line train now ready
+on Track No. 3."
+
+Mrs. Roberts, in extreme agitation: "Good gracious, Edward, that's our
+train!"
+
+Roberts, jumping to his feet and dropping all her packages: "No, no,
+it isn't, my dear! That's the Circuit Line train: didn't you hear?
+Ours doesn't go till ten to four, on the Main Line."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Oh yes, so it does. How ridiculous! But now I _must_
+run away and leave you, or I never shall get back in time. Be sure to
+speak to the cook as soon as she comes in, or she'll get discouraged
+and go away again; you can't depend on them for an instant; I told her
+_you_ would be here to meet her, if I wasn't--I thought I might be
+late; and you mustn't let her slip. And if the Campbells happen to get
+here before I'm back, don't you give them the least inkling of our
+having just engaged a cook. I'm going to smuggle her into the house
+without Amy's knowing it; I wouldn't have her know it for the world.
+She prides herself on keeping that impudent, spoiled thing of hers,
+with her two soups; and she would simply never stop crowing if she
+knew I'd had to change cooks in the middle of the summer."
+
+Roberts, picking up and dropping the multitudinous packages, and
+finally sitting down with them all in his lap, very red and heated:
+"I'll be careful, my dear."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "How flushed you are, bending over! You're so stout now,
+you ought to bend sidewise; it's perfect folly, your trying to bend
+_straight_ over; you'll get apoplexy. But now I _must_ run, or I shall
+never be back in the world. Don't forget to look out for the cook!"
+
+Roberts, at whom she glances with misgiving as she runs out, holding
+the parcels on his knees with both elbows and one hand, and contriving
+with the help of his chin to get his magazine open again: "No, no; I
+won't, my dear." He loses himself in his reading, while people come
+and go restlessly. A gentleman finally drops into the seat beside him,
+and contemplates his absorption with friendly amusement.
+
+
+
+
+II
+
+
+_ROBERTS AND WILLIS CAMPBELL_
+
+Campbell: "Don't mind _me,_ Roberts."
+
+Roberts, looking up: "Heigh? What! Why, Willis! Glad to see you--"
+
+Campbell: "Now that you _do_ see me, yes, I suppose you are. What have
+you got there that makes you cut all your friends?" He looks at
+Roberts's open page. "Oh! _Popular Science Monthly._ Isn't Agnes a
+little afraid of your turning out an agnostic? By-the-way, where _is_
+Agnes?"
+
+Roberts: "She left her purse at Stearns's, and she's gone back after
+it. Where's Amy?"
+
+Campbell: "Wherever she said she wouldn't be at the moment. I expected
+to find her here with you and Agnes. What time did you say your train
+started?"
+
+Roberts. "At ten minutes to four. And, by-the-way--I'd almost
+forgotten it--I must keep an eye out for the cook Agnes has been
+engaging. She was to meet us here before half-past two, and I shall
+have to receive her. You mustn't tell Amy; Agnes doesn't want her to
+know she's been changing cooks; and I've got to be very vigilant not
+to let her give us the slip, or you won't have any dinner to-night."
+
+Campbell: "Is that so? Well, that interests _me._ Were you expecting
+to find her in the _Pop. Sci._?"
+
+Roberts: "Oh, I'd only been reading a minute when you came in."
+
+Campbell: "I don't believe you know how long you'd been reading. Very
+likely your cook's come and gone."
+
+Roberts, with some alarm: "She couldn't. I'd only just opened the
+book."
+
+Campbell: "I dare say you _think_ so. But you'd better cast your eagle
+eye over this assemblage now, and see if she isn't here; though
+probably she's gone. What sort of looking woman is she?"
+
+Roberts, staring at him in consternation: "Bless my soul! I don't
+know! I never saw her!"
+
+Campbell: "Never saw her?"
+
+Roberts: "No; Agnes engaged her at the intelligence-office, and told
+her we should meet her here, and she had to go back for her purse, and
+left me to explain."
+
+Campbell: "Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! How did she expect you to recognize
+her?"
+
+Roberts: "I--I don't know, I'm sure. She--she was very anxious I
+shouldn't let her get away."
+
+Campbell, laughing: "You poor old fellow! What are you going to do?"
+
+Roberts: "I'm sure I've no idea. Agnes--"
+
+Campbell: "Agnes ought to have a keeper. You know what I've always
+thought of _your_ presence of mind, Roberts; but Agnes--I'm really
+surprised at Agnes. This is too good! I must tell Amy this. She'll
+never get over this. Ah, ha, ha, ha!"
+
+Roberts: "No, no! You mustn't, Willis. Agnes would be very much
+provoked with me, if you told Amy she had been engaging a cook. She
+expects to smuggle her into the house without Amy's knowing."
+
+Campbell: "And she left you to meet her here, and keep her--a cook
+you'd never set eyes on! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ah, ha, ha, ha! What's her
+name?"
+
+Roberts: "Agnes couldn't remember her last name--one never remembers a
+cook's last name. Her first name is Norah or Bridget."
+
+Campbell: "Maggie, perhaps; they all sound alike. Ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha,
+ha! This improves."
+
+Roberts: "Don't, Willis; you'll attract attention. What--what shall I
+do? If Agnes comes back, and finds I've let the cook get away, she'll
+be terribly put out."
+
+Campbell: "Perfectly furious, you poor old fellow!--the rage of a
+disappointed pigeon! I wouldn't be in your shoes for anything. Oh my!
+I wish Amy was here. Did--did--Agnes"--(he struggles with his
+laughter, and explodes from time to time between syllables)--"did she
+tell you how the woman looked?"
+
+Roberts: "She said she was a very respectable-looking old thing--a
+perfect butter-ball. I suppose she was stout."
+
+Campbell: "That covers the ground of a great many cooks. They're apt
+to look respectable when they're off duty and they're not in liquor,
+and they're apt to be perfect butter-balls. Any other distinctive
+traits?"
+
+Roberts, ruefully: "I don't know. She's Irish, and a Catholic."
+
+Campbell: "They're apt to be Irish, and Catholics too. Well, Roberts,
+I don't see what you can ask better. All you've got to do is to pick
+out a respectable butter-ball of that religion and nationality, and
+tell her you're Mrs. Roberts's husband, and you're to keep her from
+slipping away till Mrs. Roberts gets here."
+
+Roberts: "Oh, pshaw, now, Willis! What would you do?"
+
+Campbell: "_There's_ a respectable butter-ball over in the corner by
+the window there. You'd better go and speak to her. She's got a
+gingham bundle, like a cook's, in her lap, and she keeps looking about
+in a fidgety way, as if she expected somebody. I guess that's your
+woman, Roberts. Better not let her give you the slip. You'll never
+hear the last of it from Agnes if you do. And who'll get our dinner
+to-night?"
+
+Roberts, looking over at the woman in the corner, with growing
+conviction; "She does answer to the description."
+
+Campbell: "Yes, and she looks tired of waiting. If I know anything of
+that woman's character, Roberts, she thinks she's been trifled with,
+and she's not going to stay to be made a fool of any longer."
+
+Roberts, getting to his feet: "Do you think so? What makes you think
+so? Would you go and speak to her?"
+
+Campbell: "I don't know. She seems to be looking this way. Perhaps she
+thinks she recognizes _you_, as she never saw you before."
+
+Roberts: "There can't be any harm in asking her? She does seem to be
+looking this way."
+
+Campbell: "Pretty blackly, too. I guess she's lost faith in you. It
+wouldn't be any use to speak to her now, Roberts."
+
+Roberts: "I don't know. I'm afraid I'd better. I must. How would you
+introduce the matter, Willis?"
+
+Campbell: "Oh, I wouldn't undertake to say! I must leave that entirely
+to you."
+
+Roberts: "Do you think I'd better go at it boldly, and ask her if
+she's the one; or--or--approach it more gradually?"
+
+Campbell: "With a few remarks about the weather, or the last novel, or
+a little society gossip? Oh, decidedly."
+
+Roberts: "Oh, come, now, Willis! What would you advise? You must see
+it's very embarrassing."
+
+Campbell: "Not the least embarrassing. Simplest thing in the world!"
+
+The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going as before:
+"Cars for Newton, Newtonville, West Newton, Auburndale, Riverside,
+Wellesley Hills, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Express to
+Newton. Track No. 5."
+
+Campbell: "Ah, she's off! She's going to take the wrong train. She's
+gathering her traps together, Roberts!"
+
+Roberts: "I'll go and speak to her." He makes a sudden dash for the
+woman in the corner. Campbell takes up his magazine, and watches him
+over the top of it, as he stops before the woman, in a confidential
+attitude. In a moment she rises, and with a dumb show of offence
+gathers up her belongings and marches past Roberts to the door, with
+an angry glance backward at him over her shoulder. He returns
+crestfallen to Campbell.
+
+Campbell, looking up from his magazine, in affected surprise: "Where's
+your cook? You don't mean to say she was the wrong woman?"
+
+Roberts, gloomily: "She wasn't the right one."
+
+Campbell: "How do you know? What did you say to her?"
+
+Roberts: "I asked her if she had an appointment to meet a gentleman
+here."
+
+Campbell: "You _did_? And what did she say?"
+
+Roberts: "She said 'No!' very sharply. She seemed to take it in
+dudgeon; she fired up."
+
+Campbell: "I should think so. Sounded like an improper advertisement."
+
+Roberts, in great distress: _"Don't_, Willis, for Heaven's sake!"
+
+Campbell: "Why, you must see it had a very clandestine look. How did
+you get out of it?"
+
+Roberts: "I didn't. I got into it further. I told her my wife had made
+an appointment for me to meet a cook here that she'd engaged--"
+
+Campbell: "You added insult to injury. Go on!"
+
+Roberts: "And that she corresponded somewhat to the description;
+and--and--"
+
+Campbell: "Well?"
+
+Roberts: "And she told me she was no more a cook than my wife was; and
+she said she'd teach me to be playing my jokes on ladies; and she
+grabbed up her things and flew out of the room."
+
+Campbell; "Waddled, _I_ should have said. But this is pretty serious,
+Roberts. She may be a relation of John L. Sullivan's. I guess we
+better get out of here; or, no, we can't! We've got to wait for Amy
+and Agnes."
+
+Roberts: "What--what would you do?"
+
+Campbell: "I don't know. Look here, Roberts: would you mind sitting a
+little way off, so as to look as if I didn't belong with you? I don't
+want to be involved in this little row of yours unnecessarily."
+
+Roberts: "Oh, come now, Willis! You don't think she'll make any
+trouble? I apologized. I said everything I could think of. She _must_
+think I was sincere."
+
+Campbell: "In taking her for a cook? I've no doubt she did. But I
+don't see how that would help matters. I don't suppose she's gone for
+an officer; but I suspect she's looking up the largest Irishman of her
+acquaintance, to come back and interview you. I should advise you to
+go out and get on some train; I'd willingly wait here for Amy and
+Agnes; but you see the real cook might come here, after you went, and
+I shouldn't know her from Adam--or Eve. See?"
+
+Roberts, desperately. "I see--Good heavens! Here comes that woman
+back; and a man with her. Willis, you must help me out." Roberts gets
+falteringly to his feet, and stands in helpless apprehension, while
+Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny bear down upon him from the door. Mr. McIlheny,
+a small and wiry Irishman, is a little more vivid for the refreshment
+he has taken. He is in his best black suit, and the silk hat which he
+wears at a threatening slant gives dignified impressiveness to his
+figure and carriage. With some dumb-show of inquiry and assurance
+between himself and his wife, he plants himself in front of Roberts,
+in an attitude equally favorable for offence and defence.
+
+
+
+
+III
+
+
+_THE McILHENYS, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL_
+
+McIlheny: "And are ye the mahn that's after takun' my wife for yer
+cuke?"
+
+Mrs. McIlheny, indicating Campbell, absorbed in his magazine: "And
+there's the other wan I saw jokun' wid um, and puttun' um up to it."
+
+McIlheny, after a swift glance at Campbell's proportions and
+self-possession: "That's what ye're after thinkun', Mary; but I
+haven't got annything to do with what ye're after thinkun'. All I
+wannt to know is what this mahn meant by preshumin' to speak to a lady
+he didn't know, and takun' her for a cuke." To Roberts: "Will ye tell
+me that, ye--"
+
+Roberts, in extreme embarrassment: "Yes, yes, certainly; I shall be
+very glad to explain, if you'll just step here to the corner. We're
+attracting attention where we are--"
+
+McIlheny: "Attintion! Do ye suppose I care for attintion, when it's me
+wife that's been insulted?" He follows Roberts up, with Mrs. McIlheny,
+as he retires to the corner where she had been sitting, out of the way
+of the people coming and going. Campbell, after a moment, closes his
+magazine, and joins them.
+
+Roberts: "Insulted? By no manner of means! Nothing was further from my
+thoughts. I--I--can explain it all in a moment, my dear sir, if you
+will have patience; I can indeed. I have the highest respect for the
+lady, and I'm quite incapable of offering her an affront. The fact
+is--I hardly know how to begin--"
+
+McIlheny: "Go ahn, sor; or I'll have to do the beginnun' meself,
+pretty soon." He shifts himself from one foot to another with a
+saltatory briskness.
+
+Roberts: "The fact is, my wife had engaged a cook, up-town, and she
+had sent her down here to meet me, and go out with me to our summer
+place at Weston."
+
+McIlheny: "An' fwhat has all that rigamarole to do wid your speakin'
+to a lady ye'd never been inthrojuced to? Fwhat had yer wife's cuke to
+do with Mrs. McIlheny?"
+
+Roberts: "Why, I didn't know the cook by sight, you see. My wife had
+engaged her up-town, and appointed her to meet me here, without
+reflecting that I had never seen her, and wouldn't know who she was,
+when I _did_ see her; she partly expected to be here herself, and so I
+didn't reflect, either."
+
+McIlheny, with signs of an amicable interest: "An' she lift ye to mate
+a lady ye never had seen before, and expicted ye to know her by
+soight?"
+
+Roberts: "Precisely."
+
+McIlheny, smiling: "Well, that's loike a wooman, Mary; ye can't say it
+ain't."
+
+Mrs. McIlheny, grinning: "It's loike a mahn, too, Mike, by the same
+token."
+
+McIlheny: "Sure it's no bad joke on ye, sor."
+
+Campbell, interposing: "I was having my laugh at him when your good
+lady here noticed us. You see, I know his wife--she's my sister--and I
+could understand just how she would do such a thing, and--ah, ha, ha,
+ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! I don't think I shall ever get over it."
+
+McIlheny: "Sure it _is_ good! Hu, hu, hu, hu! Mary, it's what ye'd
+call a bull, if it was Irish, I'm thinkun'; an' it's no bad bull as it
+is, my dear."
+
+Mrs. McIlheny, laughing: "Ye're right there, Mike. It's as fine a bull
+as ever there was."
+
+Campbell: "And my friend here insisted on going over and speaking to
+the lady, in hopes she could help him out of the difficulty. I suppose
+he bungled it; he only wanted to ask her if she'd seen a cook here,
+who had an appointment to go out of town with a gentleman. I'd been
+joking him about it, and he thought he must do something; and I fancy
+he made a mess of it. He was a good deal worked up. Ha, ha, ha! Ah,
+ha, ha, ha!" Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny join in his laugh, and finally
+Roberts himself.
+
+The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going: "Cars for
+Auburndale, Riverside, Pine Grove, and Newton Lower Falls. Express to
+Auburndale, Track No. 7."
+
+Mrs. McIlheny: "There's our train. Mike! Come!"
+
+McIlheny: "So 'tis, Mary! Well, I'm hawpy to make yer acquaintance,
+gentlemen; and if ye're ever in the City Hahl when the Council is
+sittun', and ye'll send in yer names to Mike McIlheny, I'll be pl'ased
+to show ye ahl the attintion in me power. Ye must excuse me _now_;
+we're jist runnun' out to the Fahls to pass Sunday at a cousin's of
+Mrs. McIlheny's." He snakes hands with Roberts and Campbell, and runs
+out, followed by his wife.
+
+
+
+
+IV
+
+
+_ROBERTS AND CAMPBELL_
+
+Campbell: "Distinguished public character. Well, we're out of that,
+Roberts. I had to crowd the truth a little for you, but I fetched the
+belligerent McIlheny. What are you going in for next?"
+
+Roberts: "I--upon my word, I haven't the least idea. I think I shall
+give up trying to identify the cook. Agnes must do it herself when she
+comes here."
+
+Campbell: "Oh no! _That_ won't do, old fellow. The cook may come here
+and give you the slip before Agnes gets back."
+
+Roberts: "What would you do?"
+
+Campbell: "Well, I don't know; I don't like to advise, exactly; but it
+seems to me you've got to keep trying. You've got to keep your eye out
+for respectable butter-balls, and not let them slip through your
+fingers."
+
+Roberts: "You mean, go up and speak to them? I _couldn't_ do that
+again."
+
+Campbell: "Well, of course you didn't make a howling success with Mrs.
+McIlheny; but it wasn't a dead-failure either. But you must use a
+little more diplomacy--lead up to the subject gently. Don't go and ask
+a woman if she's a cook, or had an appointment to meet a gentleman
+here. _That_ won't do. I'll tell you! You might introduce the
+business by asking if she had happened to see a lady coming in or
+going out; and then describe Agnes, and say you had expected to meet
+her here. And she'll say she hadn't seen her here, but such a lady had
+just engaged her as a cook. And then you'll say you're the lady's
+husband, and you're sure she'll be in in a moment. And there you are!
+That's the way you ought to have worked it with Mrs. McIlheny. Then it
+would have come out all right."
+
+Roberts, pessimistically: "I don't see how it would have made her the
+cook."
+
+Campbell: "It couldn't have done that, of course; but it would have
+done everything short of that. But we're well enough out of it,
+anyway. It was mighty lucky I came in with my little amendment just
+when I did. There's all the difference in the world between asking a
+lady whether she _is_ a cook and whether she's _seen_ a cook. That
+difference just saved the self-respect of the McIlhenys, and saved
+your life. It gave the truth a slight twist in the right direction.
+You can't be too careful about the truth, Roberts. You can't offer it
+to people in the crude state; it's got to be prepared. If you'd
+carried it through the way I wanted you to, the night you and old
+Bemis garroted each other, you'd have come out perfectly triumphant.
+What you want is not the _real_ truth, but the _ideal_ truth; not what
+you _did,_ but what you _ought_ to have done. Heigh? Now, you see,
+those McIlhenys have gone off with their susceptibilities in perfect
+repair, simply because I substituted a _for_ for an _if,_ and made you
+inquire _for_ a cook instead of _if_ she was a cook. Perhaps you did
+ask for instead of ask if?"
+
+Roberts: "No, no. I asked her if she _was_ a cook."
+
+Campbell: "Well, I'm glad the McIlhenys had too much sense to believe
+that. They're happy, anyway. They're enjoying the hobble that you and
+Agnes are in, with lofty compassion. They--hello! here's that fellow
+coming back again!"
+
+Roberts: "Who? Which? Where?" He starts nervously about, and confronts
+Mr. McIlheny bearing down upon him with a countenance of provisional
+severity.
+
+McIlheny: "Just wan word more wid you, sor. Mrs. McIlheny has been
+thinkun' it oover, and she says you didn't ask her if she was after
+_seeun_ a cuke, but whether she was after _beun'_ a cuke? Now, sor,
+which wahs ut? Out wfd ut! Don't be thinkun' ye can throw dust in our
+eyes because we're Irishmen!" A threatening tone prevails in Mr.
+McIlheny's address at the mounting confusion and hesitation in
+Roberts. "Come! are ye deef, mahn?"
+
+Roberts, in spite of Campbell's dumb-show inciting him to fiction:
+"I--I--if you will kindly step apart here, I can explain. I was very
+confused when I spoke to Mrs. McIlheny."
+
+McIlheny, following him and Willis into the corner: "Fwhat made ye
+take my wife for a cuke? Did she luke anny more like a cuke than yer
+own wife? Her family is the best in County Mayo. Her father kept six
+cows, and she never put her hands in wather. And ye come up to her in
+a public place like this, where ye're afraid to spake aboove yer own
+breath, and ask her if she's after beun' the cuke yer wife's engaged.
+Fwhat do ye mane by ut?"
+
+Roberts: "My dear sir, I know--I can understand how it seems
+offensive; but I can assure you that I had no intention--no--no--" he
+falters, with an imploring glance at Campbell, who takes the word.
+
+Campbell: "Look here, Mr. McIlheny, you can appreciate the feelings of
+a gentleman situated as my friend was here. He had to meet a lady whom
+he had never seen before, and didn't know by sight; and we
+decided--Mrs. McIlheny was so pleasant and kindly looking--that he
+should go and ask her if she had seen a lady of the description he was
+looking for, and--"
+
+McIlheny: "Yessor! I can appreciate ahl _that._ But fwhy did he ask
+her if _she_ was the lady? Fwhy did he ask her if she was a cuke?
+That's what I wannt to know!"
+
+Campbell: "Well, now, I'm sure you can understand that. He was
+naturally a good deal embarrassed at having to address a strange lady;
+his mind was full of his wife's cook, and instead of asking her if
+she'd _seen_ a cook, he bungled and he blundered, and asked her--I
+suppose--if she _was_ a cook. Can't you see that? how it would
+happen?"
+
+McIlheny, with conviction: "Yessor, I can. And I'll feel it an hannor
+if you gintlemen will join me in a glass of wine on the carner, across
+the way--"
+
+Campbell: "But your train?"
+
+McIlheny: "Oh, domn the thrain! But I'll just stip aboord and tell
+Mrs. McIlheny I've met a frind, an' I'll be out by the next thrain,
+an' I'll be back wid you in a jiffy." He runs out, and Campbell turns
+to Roberts.
+
+Roberts: "Good heavens, Willis! what are we going to do? Surely, we
+can't go out and drink with this man?"
+
+Campbell: "I'm afraid we sha'n't have the pleasure. I'm afraid Mrs.
+McIlheny is of a suspicious nature; and when Mr. Mac comes back, it'll
+be to offer renewed hostility instead of renewed hospitality. I don't
+see anything for us but flight, Roberts. Or, _you_ can't fly, you poor
+old fellow! You've got to stay and look out for that cook. I'd be glad
+to stay for you, but, you see, I should not know her."
+
+Roberts: "I don't know her either, Willis. I was just thinking whether
+you couldn't manage this wretched man rather better alone. I--I'm
+afraid I confuse you; and he gets things out of me--admissions, you
+know--"
+
+Campbell: "No, no! Your moral support is everything. That lie of mine
+is getting whittled away to nothing; we shall soon be down to the bare
+truth. If it hadn't been for these last admissions of yours, I don't
+know what I should have done. They were a perfect inspiration. I'll
+tell you what, Roberts! I believe you can manage this business twice
+as well without me. But you must keep your eye out for the cook! You
+mustn't let any respectable butter-ball leave the room without asking
+her if she's the one. You'll know how to put it more delicately now.
+And I won't complicate you with McIlheny any more. I'll just step out
+here--"
+
+Roberts: "No, no, no! You mustn't go, Willis. You mustn't indeed! I
+shouldn't know what to do with that tipsy nuisance. Ah, here he comes
+again!"
+
+Campbell, cheerily, to the approaching McIlheny: "I hope you didn't
+lose your train, Mr. McIlheny!"
+
+McIlheny, darkly: "Never moind my thrain, sor! My wife says it was a
+put-up jahb between ye. She says ye were afther laughun', and lukun'
+and winkun' at her before this mahn slipped up to spake to her. Now
+what do ye make of that?"
+
+Campbell: "We were laughing, of course. I had been laughing at my
+friend's predicament, in being left to meet a lady he'd never seen
+before. You laughed at it yourself."
+
+McIlheny: "I did, sor."
+
+Roberts, basely truckling to him: "It was certainly a ludicrous
+position."
+
+Campbell: "And when we explained it, it amused your good lady too. She
+laughed as much as yourself--"
+
+McIlheny: "She did, sor. Ye're right. Sure it would make a cow laugh.
+Well, gintlemen, ye must excuse me. Mrs. McIlheny says I mustn't stop
+for the next thrain, and I'll have to ask you to join me in that glass
+of wine some other toime."
+
+Campbell: "Oh, it's all right, Mr. McIlheny. You've only got about
+half a minute." He glances at the clock, and McIlheny runs out,
+profusely waving his hand in adieu.
+
+Roberts, taking out his handkerchief and wiping his forehead: "Well,
+thank Heaven! we're rid of him at last."
+
+Campbell: "I'm not so sure of that. He'll probably miss the train. You
+may be sure Mrs. McIlheny is waiting for him outside of it, and then
+we shall have them both on our hands indefinitely. We shall have to
+explain and explain. Fiction has entirely failed us, and I feel that
+the truth is giving way under our feet. I'll tell you what, Roberts!"
+
+Roberts, in despair: "What?"
+
+Campbell: "Why, if McIlheny should happen to come back alone, we
+mustn't wait for him to renew his invitation to drink; we must take
+him out ourselves, and get him drunk; so drunk he can't remember
+anything; stone drunk; dead drunk. Or, that is, _you_ must. I haven't
+got anything to do with him. I wash my hands of the whole affair."
+
+Roberts: "You mustn't, Willis! You know I can't manage without you.
+And you know I can't take the man out and get him drunk. I couldn't. I
+shouldn't feel that it was right."
+
+Campbell: "Yes, I know. You'd have to drink with him; and you've got
+no head at all. You'd probably get drunk first, and I don't know what
+I should say to Agnes."
+
+Roberts: "That isn't the point, Willis. I couldn't ask the man to
+drink; I should consider it immoral. Besides, what should you do if
+the cook came while I was away? You wouldn't know her."
+
+Campbell: "Well, neither would you, if you stayed."
+
+Roberts: "That's true. There doesn't seem to be any end of it, or any
+way out of it. I must just stay and bear it."
+
+Campbell: "Of _course_ you must stay. And when McIlheny comes back,
+you'd better ask him out to look upon the wine when it is red."
+
+Roberts: "No; that's impossible, quite. I shouldn't mind the
+association--though it isn't very pleasant; but to offer drink to a
+man already--Do you suppose it would do to ask him out for a glass of
+soda? Plain soda would be good for him. Or I could order claret in
+it, if the worst came to the worst."
+
+Campbell: "Claret! What Mr. McIlheny requires is forty-rod whiskey in
+a solution of sulphuric acid. You must take that, or fourth-proof
+brandy straight, with him."
+
+Roberts, miserably: "I couldn't; you know I couldn't."
+
+Campbell: "What are you going to do, then?"
+
+Roberts: "I don't know; I don't know. I--I'll give him in charge to a
+policeman."
+
+Campbell: "And make a scandal here?"
+
+Roberts: "Of course it can't be done!"
+
+Campbell: "Of _course_ it can't. Give a councilman in charge? The
+policeman will be Irish too, and then what'll you do? You're more
+likely to be carried off yourself, when the facts are explained.
+They'll have an ugly look in the police report."
+
+Roberts: "Oh, it can't be done! Nothing can be done! I wish Agnes
+would come!"
+
+The Colored Man who calls the Trains: "Cars ready for South
+Framingham, Whitneys, East Holliston, Holliston, Metcalf's,
+Braggville, and Milford. Express to Framingham. Milford Branch. Track
+No. 3."
+
+
+
+
+V
+
+
+_MRS. ROBERTS, MRS. CAMPBELL, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL; THEN THE COOK AND
+McILHENY_
+
+Mrs. Roberts, rushing in and looking about in a flutter, till she
+discovers her husband: "Good gracious, Edward! Is that our train? I
+ran all the way from the station door as fast as I could run, and I'm
+perfectly out of breath. Did you ever hear of anything like my meeting
+Amy on the very instant? She was getting out of her coupe just as I
+was getting out of mine, and I saw her the first thing as soon as I
+looked up. It was the most wonderful chance. And the moment we pushed
+our way through the door and got inside the outer hall, I heard the
+man calling the train--he calls so distinctly--and I told her I was
+sure it was our train; and then we just simply flew, both of us. I had
+the greatest time getting my plush bag. They were all locked up at
+Stearns's as tight as a drum, but I saw somebody inside, moving about,
+and I rattled the door, and made signs till he came; and then I said I
+had left my plush bag; and he said it was against the rules, and I'd
+have to come Monday; and I told him I knew it was, and I didn't expect
+him to transgress the rules, but I wished very much to have my plush
+bag, because there were some things in it that I wished to have, as
+well as my purse; for I'd brought away my keys in it; and I knew
+Willis--how d'ye do, Willis?--would want wine with his dinner, and
+you'd have to break the closet open if I didn't get the key; and so he
+said he would see if the person who kept the picked-up things was
+there yet; and it turned out he was, and he asked me for a description
+of the bag and its contents; and I described them all, down to the
+very last thing; and he said I had the greatest memory he ever saw.
+And now I think everything is going off perfectly, and I shall be able
+to show Amy that there's something inland as well as at the seaside.
+Why don't you speak to her, Edward? What is the matter? What are you
+looking at?" She detects him in the act of craning his neck to this
+side and that, and peering over people's heads and shoulders in the
+direction of the door. "Hasn't Norah--Bridget, I mean--come yet?" She
+frowns significantly, and cautions him concerning Mrs. Campbell by
+pressing her finger to her lip.
+
+Roberts: "Yes--yes, she's here; I suppose she's--she's here. How do
+you do, Amy? So glad--" He continues his furtive inspection of the
+door-way, and Willis turns away with a snicker.
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "Willis, what are you laughing at? Is there anything
+wrong with my bonnet? Agnes, _is_ there? He would let me go about
+looking like a perfect auk. Did I bang it getting out of the coupe. Do
+tell me, Willis!"
+
+Mrs. Roberts, to her husband: "You don't mean to say you haven't
+_seen_ her yet?"
+
+Roberts, desperately: "Seen her? How should I know whether I've seen
+her? I never saw her in my life."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Then what are you looking for, in that way?"
+
+Roberts: "I--I'm looking for her husband."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Her husband?"
+
+Roberts: "Yes. He keeps coming back." Campbell bursts into a wild
+shriek of laughter.
+
+Mrs. Roberts, imploringly: "Willis, what _does_ it mean?"
+
+Mrs. Campbell, threateningly: "Willis, if you don't behave yourself--"
+
+Mrs. Roberts, with the calm of despair: "Well, then, she isn't coming!
+She's given us the slip! I might have known it! Well, the cat might as
+well come out of the bag first as last, Amy, though I was trying to
+keep it in, to spare your feelings; I knew you'd be so full of
+sympathy." Suddenly to her husband: "But if you saw her husband--Did
+he say she sent him? I didn't dream of her being married. How do you
+know it's her husband?"
+
+Roberts: "Because--because she went out and got him! Don't I tell
+you?"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Went out and got him?"
+
+Roberts: "When I spoke to her."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "When you spoke to her? But you said you didn't see
+her!"
+
+Roberts: "Of _course_ I didn't see her. How should I see her, when I
+never saw her before? I went up and spoke to her, and she said she
+wasn't the one. She was very angry, and she went out and got her
+husband. He was tipsy, and he's been coming back ever since. I don't
+know what to do about the wretched creature. He says I've insulted his
+abominable wife!"
+
+Campbell, laughing: "O Lord! Lord! This will be the death of me!"
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "This is one of your tricks, Willis; one of your vile
+practical jokes."
+
+Campbell: "No, no, my dear! I couldn't invent anything equal to _this_.
+Oh my! oh my!"
+
+Mrs. Campbell, seizing him by the arm: "Well, if you don't tell,
+instantly, what it is--"
+
+Campbell: "But I _can't_ tell. I promised Roberts I wouldn't."
+
+Roberts, wildly: "Oh, tell, tell!"
+
+Campbell: "About the cook, too, Agnes?"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Yes, yes; everything! Only tell!"
+
+Campbell, struggling to recover himself: "Why, you see, Agnes engaged
+a cook, up-town--"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "I didn't want you to know it, Amy. I thought you would
+be troubled if you knew you were coming to visit me just when I was
+trying to break in a new cook, and so I told Edward not to let Willis
+know. Go on, Willis."
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "And I understand just how you felt about it, Agnes;
+you knew he'd laugh. Go on, Willis."
+
+Campbell: "And she sent her down here, and told Roberts to keep her
+till she came herself."
+
+Both Ladies: "Well?"
+
+Campbell: "And I found poor old Roberts here, looking out for a cook
+that he'd never seen before, and expecting to recognize a woman that
+he'd never met in his life." He explodes in another fit of laughter.
+The ladies stare at him in mystification.
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "I would have stayed myself to meet her, but I'd left my
+plush bag with my purse in it at Stearns's, and I had to go back after
+it."
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "She _had_ to leave him. What is there to laugh at?"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "I see nothing to laugh at, Willis."
+
+Campbell, sobered: "You _don't_?"
+
+Both Ladies: "No."
+
+Campbell: "Well, by Jove! Then perhaps you don't see anything to laugh
+at in Roberts's having to guess who the cook was; and going up to the
+wrong woman, and her getting mad, and going out and bringing back her
+little fiery-red tipsy Irishman of a husband, that wanted to fight
+Roberts; and my having to lie out of it for him; and their going off
+again, and the husband coming back four or five times between drinks,
+and having to be smoothed up each time--"
+
+Both Ladies: "No!"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "It was simply horrid."
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "It wasn't funny at all; it was simply disgusting. Poor
+Mr. Roberts!"
+
+Campbell: "Well, by the holy poker! This knocks me out! The next time
+I'll marry a man, and have somebody around that can appreciate a joke.
+The Irishman said himself it would make a cow laugh."
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "I congratulate you on being of the same taste, Willis.
+And I dare say you tried to heighten the absurdity, and add to poor
+Mr. Roberts's perplexity."
+
+Roberts: "No, no! I assure you, Amy, if it hadn't been for Willis, I
+shouldn't have known how to manage. I was quite at my wits' end."
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "You are very generous, I'm sure, Mr. Roberts; and I
+suppose I shall have to believe _you_."
+
+Roberts: "But I couldn't act upon the suggestion to take the man out
+and treat him; Willis was convinced himself, I think, that that
+wouldn't do. But I confess I was tempted."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Treat him?"
+
+Roberts: "Yes. He was rather tipsy already; and Willis thought he
+would be more peaceable perhaps if we could get him quite drunk; but I
+really couldn't bring my mind to it, though I was so distracted that I
+was on the point of yielding."
+
+Both Ladies: "Willis!"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "You wanted poor Edward to go out and drink with that
+wretched being, so as to get him into a still worse state?"
+
+Mrs. Campbell: "You suggested that poor Mr. Roberts should do such a
+thing as that? Well, Willis!"
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Well, Willis!" She turns from him more in sorrow than
+in anger, and confronts a cook-like person of comfortable bulk, with a
+bundle in her hand, and every mark of hurry and exhaustion in her
+countenance. "Why, here's Bridget now!"
+
+The Cook: "Maggie, mem! I was afraid I was after missun' you, after
+all. I couldn't see the gentleman anywhere, and I've been runnun' up
+and down the depot askun' fur um; and at last, thinks I, I'll try the
+ladies' room; and sure enough here ye was yourself. It was lucky I
+thought of it."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "Oh! I forgot to tell you he'd be in the ladies' room.
+But it's all right now, Maggie; and we've just got time to catch our
+train."
+
+Campbell, bitterly: "Well, Agnes, for a woman that's set so many
+people by the ears, you let yourself up pretty easily. By Jove! here
+comes that fellow back again!" They all mechanically shrink aside, and
+leave Roberts exposed to the approach of McIlheny.
+
+McIlheny: "Now, sor, me thrain's gahn, and we can talk this little
+matter oover at our aise. What did ye mane, sor, by comin' up to the
+Hannorable Mrs. Michael McIlheny and askun' her if she was a cuke? Did
+she luke like a person that'd demane herself to a manial position
+like that? Her that never put her hands in wather, and had hilpers to
+milk her father's cows? What did ye mane, sor? Did she luke like a
+lady, or did she luke like a cuke? Tell me that!"
+
+The Cook, bursting upon him from behind Roberts, who eagerly gives
+place to her: "_I'll_ tell ye that meself, ye impidint felly! What's
+to kape a cuke from lukun' like a lady, or a lady from lukun' like a
+cuke? Ah, Mike McIlheny, ye drunken blaggurd, is it _me_ ye're tellin'
+that Mary Molloy never put her hands in wather, and kept hilpers to
+milk her father's cows! Cows indade! It was wan pig under the bed; and
+more shame to them that's ashamed to call it a pig, if ye _are_ my
+cousin! _I'm_ the lady the gentleman was lukin' for, and if ye think
+I'm not as good as Mary Molloy the best day she ever stipped, I'll
+thank ye to tell me who is. Be off wid ye, or I'll say something ye'll
+not like to hear!"
+
+McIlheny: "Sure I was jokin', Maggie! I was goun' to tell the
+gintleman that if he was lukun' for a cuke, I'd a cousin out of place
+that was the best professed cuke in Bahston. And I'm glad he's got ye:
+and he's a gintleman every inch, and so's his lady, I dar' say, though
+I haven't the pleasure of her acquaintance--"
+
+The Colored Man who calls the Trains: "Cars ready for West Newton,
+Auburndale, Riverside, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Train
+for South Framingham. Express to West Newton. Track No. 5."
+
+Mrs. Roberts: "That's our train, Amy' We get off at Auburndale.
+Willis, Edward, Maggie--come!" They all rush out, leaving McIlheny
+alone.
+
+McIlheny, looking thoughtfully after them: "Sure, I wonder what
+Mary'll be wantun' me to ask um next!"
+
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells
+
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