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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/7364-0.txt b/7364-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..51abacf --- /dev/null +++ b/7364-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1427 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Albany Depot + A Farce + +Author: W. D. Howells + +Release Date: January, 2005 [EBook #7364] +Posting Date: August 22, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred + + + + + + + + +THE ALBANY DEPOT + +A FARCE + + +By W. D. Howells + + +NEW YORK + +HARPER AND BROTHERS + +1892 + +Copyright, 1891, by HARPER & BROTHERS + + + +(THE ACTION PASSES IN BOSTON) + + + + +I. _MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS; THE CHOREWOMAN_ + + +Mrs. Roberts, with many proofs of an afternoon’s shopping in her hands +and arms, appears at the door of the ladies’ room, opening from the +public hall, and studies the interior with a searching gaze, which +develops a few suburban shoppers scattered over the settees, with +their bags and packages, and two or three old ladies in the +rocking-chairs. The Chorewoman is going about with a Saturday +afternoon pail and mop, and profiting by the disoccupation of the +place in the hour between the departures of two great expresses, to +wipe up the floor. She passes near the door where Mrs. Roberts is +standing, and Mrs. Roberts appeals to her in the anxiety which her +failure to detect the object of her search has awakened: “Oh, I was +just looking for my husband. He was to meet me here at ten minutes +past three; but there don’t seem to _be _any gentlemen.” + +The Chorewoman: “Mem?” + +Mrs. Roberts: “I was just looking for my husband. He was to meet me +here at ten minutes past three; but there don’t seem to be any +gentlemen. You haven’t happened to notice--” + +The Chorewoman: “There’s a gentleman over there beyant, readin’, +that’s just come in. He seemed to be lukun’ for somebody.” She applies +the mop to the floor close to Mrs. Roberts’s skirts. + +Mrs. Roberts, bending to the right and to the left, and then, by +standing on tiptoe, catching sight of a hat round a pillar: “Then it’s +Mr. Roberts, of course. I’ll just go right over to him. Thank you ever +so much. Don’t disturb yourself!” She picks her way round the area of +damp left by the mop, and approaches the hat from behind. “It _is_ +you, Edward! What a horrid idea I had! I was just going to touch your +hat from behind, for fun; but I kept myself from it in time.” + +Roberts, looking up with a dazed air from the magazine in his hand: +“Why, what would have happened?” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Oh, you know it mightn’t have been _you_.” + +Roberts: “But it _was_ I.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Yes, I know; and I was perfectly sure of it; you’re +always so prompt, and I always wonder at it, such an absent-minded +creature as you are. But you came near spoiling everything by getting +here behind this pillar, and burying yourself in your book that way. +If it hadn’t been for my principle of always asking questions, I never +should have found you in the world. But just as I was really beginning +to despair, the Chorewoman came by, and I asked her if she had seen +any gentleman here lately; and she said there was one now, over here, +and I stretched up and saw you. I had such a fright for a moment, not +seeing you; for I left my little plush bag with my purse in it at +Stearns’s, and I’ve got to hurry right back; though I’m afraid they’ll +be shut when I get there, Saturday afternoon, this way; but I’m going +to rattle at the front door, and perhaps they’ll come--they always +stay, some of them, to put the goods away; and I can tell them I don’t +want to buy anything, but I left my bag with my purse in it, and I +guess they’ll let me in. I want you to keep these things for me, +Edward; and I’ll leave my shopping-bag; I sha’n’t want it any more. +Don’t lose any of them. Better keep them all in your lap here +together, and then nobody will come and sit on them.” She disburdens +herself of her packages and parcels, and arranges them on her +husband’s knees, while she goes on talking. “I’m almost ready to drop, +I’m so tired, and I do believe I should let you go up to Stearns’s for +me; but you couldn’t describe the bag so they would recognize it, let +alone what was in it, and they wouldn’t give it to you, even if they +would let you in to inquire: they’re much more likely to let a lady in +than a gentleman. But I shall take a coupe, and tell the driver simply +to fly, though there’s plenty of time to go to the ends of the earth +and back before our train starts. Only I should like to be here to +receive the Campbells, and keep Willis from buying tickets for Amy and +himself, and us, too, for that matter; he has that vulgar passion--I +don’t know where he’s picked it up--for wanting to pay everybody’s +way; and you’d never think of your Hundred-Trip ticket-book till it +was too late. Do take your book out and hold it in your hand, so +you’ll be sure to remember it, as soon as you see Willis. You had +better keep saying over to yourself, ‘Willis--Hundred-Trip +Tickets--Willis--Hundred-Trip Tickets;’ that’s the way _I_ do. Where +_is_ the book? I have to remember everything! _Do_ keep your +ticket-book in your hand, Edward, till Willis comes.” + +Roberts: “But I want to read, Agnes, and I’ve got to hold my _Pop. +Sci._ with one hand and keep your traps in my lap with the other. Did +you find a cook?” + +Mrs. Roberts, with rapturous admiration of him: “Well, Edward, you +_have_ got a brain! I declare, the cook had utterly gone out of my +mind. Forgetting that plush bag makes me forget everything. I’ve got +a splendid one--a perfect treasure. She won’t do any of the wash, and +we’ll have to put that out; and she’s been used to having a +kitchen-maid; but she said we were such a small family that she could +shell the pease herself. She’s the most respectable-looking old thing +you ever saw; and she’s been having ten dollars a week from the last +family she was in; but she’ll come the summer with us for six. I was +very fortunate to get her; all the good girls are snapped up for the +sea-side in May, and they won’t go into the country for love or money. +It was the greatest chance! She’s such a neat, quiet, lady-like +person, and all the better for being Irish and a Catholic: Catholics +_do_ give so much more of a flavor; and I never could associate that +Nova Scotia, sunken-cheeked leanness of Maria’s with a cook. This +one’s name is--well, I forget what her name is; Bridget, or Norah, or +something like that--and she’s a perfect little butter-ball. She’s +coming to go out on the same train with us; and she’ll get the dinner +to-night; and I sha’n’t have the mortification of sitting down to a +pickup meal with Amy Campbell, the first time she has visited us; +she’s conceited enough about her house-keeping as it is, I’m sure, and +I wouldn’t have her patronizing and pitying me for worlds. The cook +will be here at half-past three precisely; I had to pretend the train +started a little earlier than it does so as to make her punctual; they +_are_ such uncertain things! and I don’t suppose I shall be back by +that time, quite, Edward, and so you must receive her. Let me see!” + She glances up at the clock on the wall. “It’s just quarter-past now, +and our train goes at ten minutes to four--My goodness! I’ll have to +hurry.” + +The Colored Man who cries the trains, walking half-way into the room +and then out: “Cars ready for Cottage Farms, Longwood, Chestnut Hill, +Brookline, Newton Centre, Newton Highlands, Waban, Riverside, and all +stations between Riverside and Boston. Circuit Line train now ready +on Track No. 3.” + +Mrs. Roberts, in extreme agitation: “Good gracious, Edward, that’s our +train!” + +Roberts, jumping to his feet and dropping all her packages: “No, no, +it isn’t, my dear! That’s the Circuit Line train: didn’t you hear? +Ours doesn’t go till ten to four, on the Main Line.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Oh yes, so it does. How ridiculous! But now I _must_ +run away and leave you, or I never shall get back in time. Be sure to +speak to the cook as soon as she comes in, or she’ll get discouraged +and go away again; you can’t depend on them for an instant; I told her +_you_ would be here to meet her, if I wasn’t--I thought I might be +late; and you mustn’t let her slip. And if the Campbells happen to get +here before I’m back, don’t you give them the least inkling of our +having just engaged a cook. I’m going to smuggle her into the house +without Amy’s knowing it; I wouldn’t have her know it for the world. +She prides herself on keeping that impudent, spoiled thing of hers, +with her two soups; and she would simply never stop crowing if she +knew I’d had to change cooks in the middle of the summer.” + +Roberts, picking up and dropping the multitudinous packages, and +finally sitting down with them all in his lap, very red and heated: +“I’ll be careful, my dear.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “How flushed you are, bending over! You’re so stout now, +you ought to bend sidewise; it’s perfect folly, your trying to bend +_straight_ over; you’ll get apoplexy. But now I _must_ run, or I shall +never be back in the world. Don’t forget to look out for the cook!” + +Roberts, at whom she glances with misgiving as she runs out, holding +the parcels on his knees with both elbows and one hand, and contriving +with the help of his chin to get his magazine open again: “No, no; I +won’t, my dear.” He loses himself in his reading, while people come +and go restlessly. A gentleman finally drops into the seat beside him, +and contemplates his absorption with friendly amusement. + + + + +II. _ROBERTS AND WILLIS CAMPBELL_ + +Campbell: “Don’t mind _me,_ Roberts.” + +Roberts, looking up: “Heigh? What! Why, Willis! Glad to see you--” + +Campbell: “Now that you _do_ see me, yes, I suppose you are. What have +you got there that makes you cut all your friends?” He looks at +Roberts’s open page. “Oh! _Popular Science Monthly._ Isn’t Agnes a +little afraid of your turning out an agnostic? By-the-way, where _is_ +Agnes?” + +Roberts: “She left her purse at Stearns’s, and she’s gone back after +it. Where’s Amy?” + +Campbell: “Wherever she said she wouldn’t be at the moment. I expected +to find her here with you and Agnes. What time did you say your train +started?” + +Roberts. “At ten minutes to four. And, by-the-way--I’d almost +forgotten it--I must keep an eye out for the cook Agnes has been +engaging. She was to meet us here before half-past two, and I shall +have to receive her. You mustn’t tell Amy; Agnes doesn’t want her to +know she’s been changing cooks; and I’ve got to be very vigilant not +to let her give us the slip, or you won’t have any dinner to-night.” + +Campbell: “Is that so? Well, that interests _me._ Were you expecting +to find her in the _Pop. Sci._?” + +Roberts: “Oh, I’d only been reading a minute when you came in.” + +Campbell: “I don’t believe you know how long you’d been reading. Very +likely your cook’s come and gone.” + +Roberts, with some alarm: “She couldn’t. I’d only just opened the +book.” + +Campbell: “I dare say you _think_ so. But you’d better cast your eagle +eye over this assemblage now, and see if she isn’t here; though +probably she’s gone. What sort of looking woman is she?” + +Roberts, staring at him in consternation: “Bless my soul! I don’t +know! I never saw her!” + +Campbell: “Never saw her?” + +Roberts: “No; Agnes engaged her at the intelligence-office, and told +her we should meet her here, and she had to go back for her purse, and +left me to explain.” + +Campbell: “Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! How did she expect you to recognize +her?” + +Roberts: “I--I don’t know, I’m sure. She--she was very anxious I +shouldn’t let her get away.” + +Campbell, laughing: “You poor old fellow! What are you going to do?” + +Roberts: “I’m sure I’ve no idea. Agnes--” + +Campbell: “Agnes ought to have a keeper. You know what I’ve always +thought of _your_ presence of mind, Roberts; but Agnes--I’m really +surprised at Agnes. This is too good! I must tell Amy this. She’ll +never get over this. Ah, ha, ha, ha!” + +Roberts: “No, no! You mustn’t, Willis. Agnes would be very much +provoked with me, if you told Amy she had been engaging a cook. She +expects to smuggle her into the house without Amy’s knowing.” + +Campbell: “And she left you to meet her here, and keep her--a cook +you’d never set eyes on! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ah, ha, ha, ha! What’s her +name?” + +Roberts: “Agnes couldn’t remember her last name--one never remembers a +cook’s last name. Her first name is Norah or Bridget.” + +Campbell: “Maggie, perhaps; they all sound alike. Ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha, +ha! This improves.” + +Roberts: “Don’t, Willis; you’ll attract attention. What--what shall I +do? If Agnes comes back, and finds I’ve let the cook get away, she’ll +be terribly put out.” + +Campbell: “Perfectly furious, you poor old fellow!--the rage of a +disappointed pigeon! I wouldn’t be in your shoes for anything. Oh my! +I wish Amy was here. Did--did--Agnes”--(he struggles with his +laughter, and explodes from time to time between syllables)--“did she +tell you how the woman looked?” + +Roberts: “She said she was a very respectable-looking old thing--a +perfect butter-ball. I suppose she was stout.” + +Campbell: “That covers the ground of a great many cooks. They’re apt +to look respectable when they’re off duty and they’re not in liquor, +and they’re apt to be perfect butter-balls. Any other distinctive +traits?” + +Roberts, ruefully: “I don’t know. She’s Irish, and a Catholic.” + +Campbell: “They’re apt to be Irish, and Catholics too. Well, Roberts, +I don’t see what you can ask better. All you’ve got to do is to pick +out a respectable butter-ball of that religion and nationality, and +tell her you’re Mrs. Roberts’s husband, and you’re to keep her from +slipping away till Mrs. Roberts gets here.” + +Roberts: “Oh, pshaw, now, Willis! What would you do?” + +Campbell: “_There’s_ a respectable butter-ball over in the corner by +the window there. You’d better go and speak to her. She’s got a +gingham bundle, like a cook’s, in her lap, and she keeps looking about +in a fidgety way, as if she expected somebody. I guess that’s your +woman, Roberts. Better not let her give you the slip. You’ll never +hear the last of it from Agnes if you do. And who’ll get our dinner +to-night?” + +Roberts, looking over at the woman in the corner, with growing +conviction; “She does answer to the description.” + +Campbell: “Yes, and she looks tired of waiting. If I know anything of +that woman’s character, Roberts, she thinks she’s been trifled with, +and she’s not going to stay to be made a fool of any longer.” + +Roberts, getting to his feet: “Do you think so? What makes you think +so? Would you go and speak to her?” + +Campbell: “I don’t know. She seems to be looking this way. Perhaps she +thinks she recognizes _you_, as she never saw you before.” + +Roberts: “There can’t be any harm in asking her? She does seem to be +looking this way.” + +Campbell: “Pretty blackly, too. I guess she’s lost faith in you. It +wouldn’t be any use to speak to her now, Roberts.” + +Roberts: “I don’t know. I’m afraid I’d better. I must. How would you +introduce the matter, Willis?” + +Campbell: “Oh, I wouldn’t undertake to say! I must leave that entirely +to you.” + +Roberts: “Do you think I’d better go at it boldly, and ask her if +she’s the one; or--or--approach it more gradually?” + +Campbell: “With a few remarks about the weather, or the last novel, or +a little society gossip? Oh, decidedly.” + +Roberts: “Oh, come, now, Willis! What would you advise? You must see +it’s very embarrassing.” + +Campbell: “Not the least embarrassing. Simplest thing in the world!” + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going as before: +“Cars for Newton, Newtonville, West Newton, Auburndale, Riverside, +Wellesley Hills, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Express to +Newton. Track No. 5.” + +Campbell: “Ah, she’s off! She’s going to take the wrong train. She’s +gathering her traps together, Roberts!” + +Roberts: “I’ll go and speak to her.” He makes a sudden dash for the +woman in the corner. Campbell takes up his magazine, and watches him +over the top of it, as he stops before the woman, in a confidential +attitude. In a moment she rises, and with a dumb show of offence +gathers up her belongings and marches past Roberts to the door, with +an angry glance backward at him over her shoulder. He returns +crestfallen to Campbell. + +Campbell, looking up from his magazine, in affected surprise: “Where’s +your cook? You don’t mean to say she was the wrong woman?” + +Roberts, gloomily: “She wasn’t the right one.” + +Campbell: “How do you know? What did you say to her?” + +Roberts: “I asked her if she had an appointment to meet a gentleman +here.” + +Campbell: “You _did_? And what did she say?” + +Roberts: “She said ‘No!’ very sharply. She seemed to take it in +dudgeon; she fired up.” + +Campbell: “I should think so. Sounded like an improper advertisement.” + +Roberts, in great distress: _“Don’t_, Willis, for Heaven’s sake!” + +Campbell: “Why, you must see it had a very clandestine look. How did +you get out of it?” + +Roberts: “I didn’t. I got into it further. I told her my wife had made +an appointment for me to meet a cook here that she’d engaged--” + +Campbell: “You added insult to injury. Go on!” + +Roberts: “And that she corresponded somewhat to the description; +and--and--” + +Campbell: “Well?” + +Roberts: “And she told me she was no more a cook than my wife was; and +she said she’d teach me to be playing my jokes on ladies; and she +grabbed up her things and flew out of the room.” + +Campbell; “Waddled, _I_ should have said. But this is pretty serious, +Roberts. She may be a relation of John L. Sullivan’s. I guess we +better get out of here; or, no, we can’t! We’ve got to wait for Amy +and Agnes.” + +Roberts: “What--what would you do?” + +Campbell: “I don’t know. Look here, Roberts: would you mind sitting a +little way off, so as to look as if I didn’t belong with you? I don’t +want to be involved in this little row of yours unnecessarily.” + +Roberts: “Oh, come now, Willis! You don’t think she’ll make any +trouble? I apologized. I said everything I could think of. She _must_ +think I was sincere.” + +Campbell: “In taking her for a cook? I’ve no doubt she did. But I +don’t see how that would help matters. I don’t suppose she’s gone for +an officer; but I suspect she’s looking up the largest Irishman of her +acquaintance, to come back and interview you. I should advise you to +go out and get on some train; I’d willingly wait here for Amy and +Agnes; but you see the real cook might come here, after you went, and +I shouldn’t know her from Adam--or Eve. See?” + +Roberts, desperately. “I see--Good heavens! Here comes that woman +back; and a man with her. Willis, you must help me out.” Roberts gets +falteringly to his feet, and stands in helpless apprehension, while +Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny bear down upon him from the door. Mr. McIlheny, +a small and wiry Irishman, is a little more vivid for the refreshment +he has taken. He is in his best black suit, and the silk hat which he +wears at a threatening slant gives dignified impressiveness to his +figure and carriage. With some dumb-show of inquiry and assurance +between himself and his wife, he plants himself in front of Roberts, +in an attitude equally favorable for offence and defence. + + + + +III. _THE McILHENYS, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL_ + +McIlheny: “And are ye the mahn that’s after takun’ my wife for yer +cuke?” + +Mrs. McIlheny, indicating Campbell, absorbed in his magazine: “And +there’s the other wan I saw jokun’ wid um, and puttun’ um up to it.” + +McIlheny, after a swift glance at Campbell’s proportions and +self-possession: “That’s what ye’re after thinkun’, Mary; but I +haven’t got annything to do with what ye’re after thinkun’. All I +wannt to know is what this mahn meant by preshumin’ to speak to a lady +he didn’t know, and takun’ her for a cuke.” To Roberts: “Will ye tell +me that, ye--” + +Roberts, in extreme embarrassment: “Yes, yes, certainly; I shall be +very glad to explain, if you’ll just step here to the corner. We’re +attracting attention where we are--” + +McIlheny: “Attintion! Do ye suppose I care for attintion, when it’s me +wife that’s been insulted?” He follows Roberts up, with Mrs. McIlheny, +as he retires to the corner where she had been sitting, out of the way +of the people coming and going. Campbell, after a moment, closes his +magazine, and joins them. + +Roberts: “Insulted? By no manner of means! Nothing was further from my +thoughts. I--I--can explain it all in a moment, my dear sir, if you +will have patience; I can indeed. I have the highest respect for the +lady, and I’m quite incapable of offering her an affront. The fact +is--I hardly know how to begin--” + +McIlheny: “Go ahn, sor; or I’ll have to do the beginnun’ meself, +pretty soon.” He shifts himself from one foot to another with a +saltatory briskness. + +Roberts: “The fact is, my wife had engaged a cook, up-town, and she +had sent her down here to meet me, and go out with me to our summer +place at Weston.” + +McIlheny: “An’ fwhat has all that rigamarole to do wid your speakin’ +to a lady ye’d never been inthrojuced to? Fwhat had yer wife’s cuke to +do with Mrs. McIlheny?” + +Roberts: “Why, I didn’t know the cook by sight, you see. My wife had +engaged her up-town, and appointed her to meet me here, without +reflecting that I had never seen her, and wouldn’t know who she was, +when I _did_ see her; she partly expected to be here herself, and so I +didn’t reflect, either.” + +McIlheny, with signs of an amicable interest: “An’ she lift ye to mate +a lady ye never had seen before, and expicted ye to know her by +soight?” + +Roberts: “Precisely.” + +McIlheny, smiling: “Well, that’s loike a wooman, Mary; ye can’t say it +ain’t.” + +Mrs. McIlheny, grinning: “It’s loike a mahn, too, Mike, by the same +token.” + +McIlheny: “Sure it’s no bad joke on ye, sor.” + +Campbell, interposing: “I was having my laugh at him when your good +lady here noticed us. You see, I know his wife--she’s my sister--and I +could understand just how she would do such a thing, and--ah, ha, ha, +ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! I don’t think I shall ever get over it.” + +McIlheny: “Sure it _is_ good! Hu, hu, hu, hu! Mary, it’s what ye’d +call a bull, if it was Irish, I’m thinkun’; an’ it’s no bad bull as it +is, my dear.” + +Mrs. McIlheny, laughing: “Ye’re right there, Mike. It’s as fine a bull +as ever there was.” + +Campbell: “And my friend here insisted on going over and speaking to +the lady, in hopes she could help him out of the difficulty. I suppose +he bungled it; he only wanted to ask her if she’d seen a cook here, +who had an appointment to go out of town with a gentleman. I’d been +joking him about it, and he thought he must do something; and I fancy +he made a mess of it. He was a good deal worked up. Ha, ha, ha! Ah, +ha, ha, ha!” Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny join in his laugh, and finally +Roberts himself. + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going: “Cars for +Auburndale, Riverside, Pine Grove, and Newton Lower Falls. Express to +Auburndale, Track No. 7.” + +Mrs. McIlheny: “There’s our train. Mike! Come!” + +McIlheny: “So ‘tis, Mary! Well, I’m hawpy to make yer acquaintance, +gentlemen; and if ye’re ever in the City Hahl when the Council is +sittun’, and ye’ll send in yer names to Mike McIlheny, I’ll be pl’ased +to show ye ahl the attintion in me power. Ye must excuse me _now_; +we’re jist runnun’ out to the Fahls to pass Sunday at a cousin’s of +Mrs. McIlheny’s.” He snakes hands with Roberts and Campbell, and runs +out, followed by his wife. + + + + +IV. _ROBERTS AND CAMPBELL_ + +Campbell: “Distinguished public character. Well, we’re out of that, +Roberts. I had to crowd the truth a little for you, but I fetched the +belligerent McIlheny. What are you going in for next?” + +Roberts: “I--upon my word, I haven’t the least idea. I think I shall +give up trying to identify the cook. Agnes must do it herself when she +comes here.” + +Campbell: “Oh no! _That_ won’t do, old fellow. The cook may come here +and give you the slip before Agnes gets back.” + +Roberts: “What would you do?” + +Campbell: “Well, I don’t know; I don’t like to advise, exactly; but it +seems to me you’ve got to keep trying. You’ve got to keep your eye out +for respectable butter-balls, and not let them slip through your +fingers.” + +Roberts: “You mean, go up and speak to them? I _couldn’t_ do that +again.” + +Campbell: “Well, of course you didn’t make a howling success with Mrs. +McIlheny; but it wasn’t a dead-failure either. But you must use a +little more diplomacy--lead up to the subject gently. Don’t go and ask +a woman if she’s a cook, or had an appointment to meet a gentleman +here. _That_ won’t do. I’ll tell you! You might introduce the +business by asking if she had happened to see a lady coming in or +going out; and then describe Agnes, and say you had expected to meet +her here. And she’ll say she hadn’t seen her here, but such a lady had +just engaged her as a cook. And then you’ll say you’re the lady’s +husband, and you’re sure she’ll be in in a moment. And there you are! +That’s the way you ought to have worked it with Mrs. McIlheny. Then it +would have come out all right.” + +Roberts, pessimistically: “I don’t see how it would have made her the +cook.” + +Campbell: “It couldn’t have done that, of course; but it would have +done everything short of that. But we’re well enough out of it, +anyway. It was mighty lucky I came in with my little amendment just +when I did. There’s all the difference in the world between asking a +lady whether she _is_ a cook and whether she’s _seen_ a cook. That +difference just saved the self-respect of the McIlhenys, and saved +your life. It gave the truth a slight twist in the right direction. +You can’t be too careful about the truth, Roberts. You can’t offer it +to people in the crude state; it’s got to be prepared. If you’d +carried it through the way I wanted you to, the night you and old +Bemis garroted each other, you’d have come out perfectly triumphant. +What you want is not the _real_ truth, but the _ideal_ truth; not what +you _did,_ but what you _ought_ to have done. Heigh? Now, you see, +those McIlhenys have gone off with their susceptibilities in perfect +repair, simply because I substituted a _for_ for an _if,_ and made you +inquire _for_ a cook instead of _if_ she was a cook. Perhaps you did +ask for instead of ask if?” + +Roberts: “No, no. I asked her if she _was_ a cook.” + +Campbell: “Well, I’m glad the McIlhenys had too much sense to believe +that. They’re happy, anyway. They’re enjoying the hobble that you and +Agnes are in, with lofty compassion. They--hello! here’s that fellow +coming back again!” + +Roberts: “Who? Which? Where?” He starts nervously about, and confronts +Mr. McIlheny bearing down upon him with a countenance of provisional +severity. + +McIlheny: “Just wan word more wid you, sor. Mrs. McIlheny has been +thinkun’ it oover, and she says you didn’t ask her if she was after +_seeun_ a cuke, but whether she was after _beun’_ a cuke? Now, sor, +which wahs ut? Out wfd ut! Don’t be thinkun’ ye can throw dust in our +eyes because we’re Irishmen!” A threatening tone prevails in Mr. +McIlheny’s address at the mounting confusion and hesitation in +Roberts. “Come! are ye deef, mahn?” + +Roberts, in spite of Campbell’s dumb-show inciting him to fiction: +“I--I--if you will kindly step apart here, I can explain. I was very +confused when I spoke to Mrs. McIlheny.” + +McIlheny, following him and Willis into the corner: “Fwhat made ye +take my wife for a cuke? Did she luke anny more like a cuke than yer +own wife? Her family is the best in County Mayo. Her father kept six +cows, and she never put her hands in wather. And ye come up to her in +a public place like this, where ye’re afraid to spake aboove yer own +breath, and ask her if she’s after beun’ the cuke yer wife’s engaged. +Fwhat do ye mane by ut?” + +Roberts: “My dear sir, I know--I can understand how it seems +offensive; but I can assure you that I had no intention--no--no--” he +falters, with an imploring glance at Campbell, who takes the word. + +Campbell: “Look here, Mr. McIlheny, you can appreciate the feelings of +a gentleman situated as my friend was here. He had to meet a lady whom +he had never seen before, and didn’t know by sight; and we +decided--Mrs. McIlheny was so pleasant and kindly looking--that he +should go and ask her if she had seen a lady of the description he was +looking for, and--” + +McIlheny: “Yessor! I can appreciate ahl _that._ But fwhy did he ask +her if _she_ was the lady? Fwhy did he ask her if she was a cuke? +That’s what I wannt to know!” + +Campbell: “Well, now, I’m sure you can understand that. He was +naturally a good deal embarrassed at having to address a strange lady; +his mind was full of his wife’s cook, and instead of asking her if +she’d _seen_ a cook, he bungled and he blundered, and asked her--I +suppose--if she _was_ a cook. Can’t you see that? how it would +happen?” + +McIlheny, with conviction: “Yessor, I can. And I’ll feel it an hannor +if you gintlemen will join me in a glass of wine on the carner, across +the way--” + +Campbell: “But your train?” + +McIlheny: “Oh, domn the thrain! But I’ll just stip aboord and tell +Mrs. McIlheny I’ve met a frind, an’ I’ll be out by the next thrain, +an’ I’ll be back wid you in a jiffy.” He runs out, and Campbell turns +to Roberts. + +Roberts: “Good heavens, Willis! what are we going to do? Surely, we +can’t go out and drink with this man?” + +Campbell: “I’m afraid we sha’n’t have the pleasure. I’m afraid Mrs. +McIlheny is of a suspicious nature; and when Mr. Mac comes back, it’ll +be to offer renewed hostility instead of renewed hospitality. I don’t +see anything for us but flight, Roberts. Or, _you_ can’t fly, you poor +old fellow! You’ve got to stay and look out for that cook. I’d be glad +to stay for you, but, you see, I should not know her.” + +Roberts: “I don’t know her either, Willis. I was just thinking whether +you couldn’t manage this wretched man rather better alone. I--I’m +afraid I confuse you; and he gets things out of me--admissions, you +know--” + +Campbell: “No, no! Your moral support is everything. That lie of mine +is getting whittled away to nothing; we shall soon be down to the bare +truth. If it hadn’t been for these last admissions of yours, I don’t +know what I should have done. They were a perfect inspiration. I’ll +tell you what, Roberts! I believe you can manage this business twice +as well without me. But you must keep your eye out for the cook! You +mustn’t let any respectable butter-ball leave the room without asking +her if she’s the one. You’ll know how to put it more delicately now. +And I won’t complicate you with McIlheny any more. I’ll just step out +here--” + +Roberts: “No, no, no! You mustn’t go, Willis. You mustn’t indeed! I +shouldn’t know what to do with that tipsy nuisance. Ah, here he comes +again!” + +Campbell, cheerily, to the approaching McIlheny: “I hope you didn’t +lose your train, Mr. McIlheny!” + +McIlheny, darkly: “Never moind my thrain, sor! My wife says it was a +put-up jahb between ye. She says ye were afther laughun’, and lukun’ +and winkun’ at her before this mahn slipped up to spake to her. Now +what do ye make of that?” + +Campbell: “We were laughing, of course. I had been laughing at my +friend’s predicament, in being left to meet a lady he’d never seen +before. You laughed at it yourself.” + +McIlheny: “I did, sor.” + +Roberts, basely truckling to him: “It was certainly a ludicrous +position.” + +Campbell: “And when we explained it, it amused your good lady too. She +laughed as much as yourself--” + +McIlheny: “She did, sor. Ye’re right. Sure it would make a cow laugh. +Well, gintlemen, ye must excuse me. Mrs. McIlheny says I mustn’t stop +for the next thrain, and I’ll have to ask you to join me in that glass +of wine some other toime.” + +Campbell: “Oh, it’s all right, Mr. McIlheny. You’ve only got about +half a minute.” He glances at the clock, and McIlheny runs out, +profusely waving his hand in adieu. + +Roberts, taking out his handkerchief and wiping his forehead: “Well, +thank Heaven! we’re rid of him at last.” + +Campbell: “I’m not so sure of that. He’ll probably miss the train. You +may be sure Mrs. McIlheny is waiting for him outside of it, and then +we shall have them both on our hands indefinitely. We shall have to +explain and explain. Fiction has entirely failed us, and I feel that +the truth is giving way under our feet. I’ll tell you what, Roberts!” + +Roberts, in despair: “What?” + +Campbell: “Why, if McIlheny should happen to come back alone, we +mustn’t wait for him to renew his invitation to drink; we must take +him out ourselves, and get him drunk; so drunk he can’t remember +anything; stone drunk; dead drunk. Or, that is, _you_ must. I haven’t +got anything to do with him. I wash my hands of the whole affair.” + +Roberts: “You mustn’t, Willis! You know I can’t manage without you. +And you know I can’t take the man out and get him drunk. I couldn’t. I +shouldn’t feel that it was right.” + +Campbell: “Yes, I know. You’d have to drink with him; and you’ve got +no head at all. You’d probably get drunk first, and I don’t know what +I should say to Agnes.” + +Roberts: “That isn’t the point, Willis. I couldn’t ask the man to +drink; I should consider it immoral. Besides, what should you do if +the cook came while I was away? You wouldn’t know her.” + +Campbell: “Well, neither would you, if you stayed.” + +Roberts: “That’s true. There doesn’t seem to be any end of it, or any +way out of it. I must just stay and bear it.” + +Campbell: “Of _course_ you must stay. And when McIlheny comes back, +you’d better ask him out to look upon the wine when it is red.” + +Roberts: “No; that’s impossible, quite. I shouldn’t mind the +association--though it isn’t very pleasant; but to offer drink to a +man already--Do you suppose it would do to ask him out for a glass of +soda? Plain soda would be good for him. Or I could order claret in +it, if the worst came to the worst.” + +Campbell: “Claret! What Mr. McIlheny requires is forty-rod whiskey in +a solution of sulphuric acid. You must take that, or fourth-proof +brandy straight, with him.” + +Roberts, miserably: “I couldn’t; you know I couldn’t.” + +Campbell: “What are you going to do, then?” + +Roberts: “I don’t know; I don’t know. I--I’ll give him in charge to a +policeman.” + +Campbell: “And make a scandal here?” + +Roberts: “Of course it can’t be done!” + +Campbell: “Of _course_ it can’t. Give a councilman in charge? The +policeman will be Irish too, and then what’ll you do? You’re more +likely to be carried off yourself, when the facts are explained. +They’ll have an ugly look in the police report.” + +Roberts: “Oh, it can’t be done! Nothing can be done! I wish Agnes +would come!” + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains: “Cars ready for South +Framingham, Whitneys, East Holliston, Holliston, Metcalf’s, +Braggville, and Milford. Express to Framingham. Milford Branch. Track +No. 3.” + + + + +V. _MRS. ROBERTS, MRS. CAMPBELL, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL; THEN THE COOK AND McILHENY_ + +Mrs. Roberts, rushing in and looking about in a flutter, till she +discovers her husband: “Good gracious, Edward! Is that our train? I +ran all the way from the station door as fast as I could run, and I’m +perfectly out of breath. Did you ever hear of anything like my meeting +Amy on the very instant? She was getting out of her coupe just as I +was getting out of mine, and I saw her the first thing as soon as I +looked up. It was the most wonderful chance. And the moment we pushed +our way through the door and got inside the outer hall, I heard the +man calling the train--he calls so distinctly--and I told her I was +sure it was our train; and then we just simply flew, both of us. I had +the greatest time getting my plush bag. They were all locked up at +Stearns’s as tight as a drum, but I saw somebody inside, moving about, +and I rattled the door, and made signs till he came; and then I said I +had left my plush bag; and he said it was against the rules, and I’d +have to come Monday; and I told him I knew it was, and I didn’t expect +him to transgress the rules, but I wished very much to have my plush +bag, because there were some things in it that I wished to have, as +well as my purse; for I’d brought away my keys in it; and I knew +Willis--how d’ye do, Willis?--would want wine with his dinner, and +you’d have to break the closet open if I didn’t get the key; and so he +said he would see if the person who kept the picked-up things was +there yet; and it turned out he was, and he asked me for a description +of the bag and its contents; and I described them all, down to the +very last thing; and he said I had the greatest memory he ever saw. +And now I think everything is going off perfectly, and I shall be able +to show Amy that there’s something inland as well as at the seaside. +Why don’t you speak to her, Edward? What is the matter? What are you +looking at?” She detects him in the act of craning his neck to this +side and that, and peering over people’s heads and shoulders in the +direction of the door. “Hasn’t Norah--Bridget, I mean--come yet?” She +frowns significantly, and cautions him concerning Mrs. Campbell by +pressing her finger to her lip. + +Roberts: “Yes--yes, she’s here; I suppose she’s--she’s here. How do +you do, Amy? So glad--” He continues his furtive inspection of the +door-way, and Willis turns away with a snicker. + +Mrs. Campbell: “Willis, what are you laughing at? Is there anything +wrong with my bonnet? Agnes, _is_ there? He would let me go about +looking like a perfect auk. Did I bang it getting out of the coupe. Do +tell me, Willis!” + +Mrs. Roberts, to her husband: “You don’t mean to say you haven’t +_seen_ her yet?” + +Roberts, desperately: “Seen her? How should I know whether I’ve seen +her? I never saw her in my life.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Then what are you looking for, in that way?” + +Roberts: “I--I’m looking for her husband.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Her husband?” + +Roberts: “Yes. He keeps coming back.” Campbell bursts into a wild +shriek of laughter. + +Mrs. Roberts, imploringly: “Willis, what _does_ it mean?” + +Mrs. Campbell, threateningly: “Willis, if you don’t behave yourself--” + +Mrs. Roberts, with the calm of despair: “Well, then, she isn’t coming! +She’s given us the slip! I might have known it! Well, the cat might as +well come out of the bag first as last, Amy, though I was trying to +keep it in, to spare your feelings; I knew you’d be so full of +sympathy.” Suddenly to her husband: “But if you saw her husband--Did +he say she sent him? I didn’t dream of her being married. How do you +know it’s her husband?” + +Roberts: “Because--because she went out and got him! Don’t I tell +you?” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Went out and got him?” + +Roberts: “When I spoke to her.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “When you spoke to her? But you said you didn’t see +her!” + +Roberts: “Of _course_ I didn’t see her. How should I see her, when I +never saw her before? I went up and spoke to her, and she said she +wasn’t the one. She was very angry, and she went out and got her +husband. He was tipsy, and he’s been coming back ever since. I don’t +know what to do about the wretched creature. He says I’ve insulted his +abominable wife!” + +Campbell, laughing: “O Lord! Lord! This will be the death of me!” + +Mrs. Campbell: “This is one of your tricks, Willis; one of your vile +practical jokes.” + +Campbell: “No, no, my dear! I couldn’t invent anything equal to _this_. +Oh my! oh my!” + +Mrs. Campbell, seizing him by the arm: “Well, if you don’t tell, +instantly, what it is--” + +Campbell: “But I _can’t_ tell. I promised Roberts I wouldn’t.” + +Roberts, wildly: “Oh, tell, tell!” + +Campbell: “About the cook, too, Agnes?” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Yes, yes; everything! Only tell!” + +Campbell, struggling to recover himself: “Why, you see, Agnes engaged +a cook, up-town--” + +Mrs. Roberts: “I didn’t want you to know it, Amy. I thought you would +be troubled if you knew you were coming to visit me just when I was +trying to break in a new cook, and so I told Edward not to let Willis +know. Go on, Willis.” + +Mrs. Campbell: “And I understand just how you felt about it, Agnes; +you knew he’d laugh. Go on, Willis.” + +Campbell: “And she sent her down here, and told Roberts to keep her +till she came herself.” + +Both Ladies: “Well?” + +Campbell: “And I found poor old Roberts here, looking out for a cook +that he’d never seen before, and expecting to recognize a woman that +he’d never met in his life.” He explodes in another fit of laughter. +The ladies stare at him in mystification. + +Mrs. Roberts: “I would have stayed myself to meet her, but I’d left my +plush bag with my purse in it at Stearns’s, and I had to go back after +it.” + +Mrs. Campbell: “She _had_ to leave him. What is there to laugh at?” + +Mrs. Roberts: “I see nothing to laugh at, Willis.” + +Campbell, sobered: “You _don’t_?” + +Both Ladies: “No.” + +Campbell: “Well, by Jove! Then perhaps you don’t see anything to laugh +at in Roberts’s having to guess who the cook was; and going up to the +wrong woman, and her getting mad, and going out and bringing back her +little fiery-red tipsy Irishman of a husband, that wanted to fight +Roberts; and my having to lie out of it for him; and their going off +again, and the husband coming back four or five times between drinks, +and having to be smoothed up each time--” + +Both Ladies: “No!” + +Mrs. Roberts: “It was simply horrid.” + +Mrs. Campbell: “It wasn’t funny at all; it was simply disgusting. Poor +Mr. Roberts!” + +Campbell: “Well, by the holy poker! This knocks me out! The next time +I’ll marry a man, and have somebody around that can appreciate a joke. +The Irishman said himself it would make a cow laugh.” + +Mrs. Campbell: “I congratulate you on being of the same taste, Willis. +And I dare say you tried to heighten the absurdity, and add to poor +Mr. Roberts’s perplexity.” + +Roberts: “No, no! I assure you, Amy, if it hadn’t been for Willis, I +shouldn’t have known how to manage. I was quite at my wits’ end.” + +Mrs. Campbell: “You are very generous, I’m sure, Mr. Roberts; and I +suppose I shall have to believe _you_.” + +Roberts: “But I couldn’t act upon the suggestion to take the man out +and treat him; Willis was convinced himself, I think, that that +wouldn’t do. But I confess I was tempted.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Treat him?” + +Roberts: “Yes. He was rather tipsy already; and Willis thought he +would be more peaceable perhaps if we could get him quite drunk; but I +really couldn’t bring my mind to it, though I was so distracted that I +was on the point of yielding.” + +Both Ladies: “Willis!” + +Mrs. Roberts: “You wanted poor Edward to go out and drink with that +wretched being, so as to get him into a still worse state?” + +Mrs. Campbell: “You suggested that poor Mr. Roberts should do such a +thing as that? Well, Willis!” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Well, Willis!” She turns from him more in sorrow than +in anger, and confronts a cook-like person of comfortable bulk, with a +bundle in her hand, and every mark of hurry and exhaustion in her +countenance. “Why, here’s Bridget now!” + +The Cook: “Maggie, mem! I was afraid I was after missun’ you, after +all. I couldn’t see the gentleman anywhere, and I’ve been runnun’ up +and down the depot askun’ fur um; and at last, thinks I, I’ll try the +ladies’ room; and sure enough here ye was yourself. It was lucky I +thought of it.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “Oh! I forgot to tell you he’d be in the ladies’ room. +But it’s all right now, Maggie; and we’ve just got time to catch our +train.” + +Campbell, bitterly: “Well, Agnes, for a woman that’s set so many +people by the ears, you let yourself up pretty easily. By Jove! here +comes that fellow back again!” They all mechanically shrink aside, and +leave Roberts exposed to the approach of McIlheny. + +McIlheny: “Now, sor, me thrain’s gahn, and we can talk this little +matter oover at our aise. What did ye mane, sor, by comin’ up to the +Hannorable Mrs. Michael McIlheny and askun’ her if she was a cuke? Did +she luke like a person that’d demane herself to a manial position +like that? Her that never put her hands in wather, and had hilpers to +milk her father’s cows? What did ye mane, sor? Did she luke like a +lady, or did she luke like a cuke? Tell me that!” + +The Cook, bursting upon him from behind Roberts, who eagerly gives +place to her: “_I’ll_ tell ye that meself, ye impidint felly! What’s +to kape a cuke from lukun’ like a lady, or a lady from lukun’ like a +cuke? Ah, Mike McIlheny, ye drunken blaggurd, is it _me_ ye’re tellin’ +that Mary Molloy never put her hands in wather, and kept hilpers to +milk her father’s cows! Cows indade! It was wan pig under the bed; and +more shame to them that’s ashamed to call it a pig, if ye _are_ my +cousin! _I’m_ the lady the gentleman was lukin’ for, and if ye think +I’m not as good as Mary Molloy the best day she ever stipped, I’ll +thank ye to tell me who is. Be off wid ye, or I’ll say something ye’ll +not like to hear!” + +McIlheny: “Sure I was jokin’, Maggie! I was goun’ to tell the +gintleman that if he was lukun’ for a cuke, I’d a cousin out of place +that was the best professed cuke in Bahston. And I’m glad he’s got ye: +and he’s a gintleman every inch, and so’s his lady, I dar’ say, though +I haven’t the pleasure of her acquaintance--” + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains: “Cars ready for West Newton, +Auburndale, Riverside, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Train +for South Framingham. Express to West Newton. Track No. 5.” + +Mrs. Roberts: “That’s our train, Amy’ We get off at Auburndale. +Willis, Edward, Maggie--come!” They all rush out, leaving McIlheny +alone. + +McIlheny, looking thoughtfully after them: “Sure, I wonder what +Mary’ll be wantun’ me to ask um next!” + + + +THE END + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT *** + +***** This file should be named 7364-0.txt or 7364-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/3/6/7364/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/7364-0.zip b/7364-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..05a7df2 --- /dev/null +++ b/7364-0.zip diff --git a/7364-h.zip b/7364-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9912cc5 --- /dev/null +++ b/7364-h.zip diff --git a/7364-h/7364-h.htm b/7364-h/7364-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d985597 --- /dev/null +++ b/7364-h/7364-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1715 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd7; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Albany Depot + A Farce + +Author: W. D. Howells + +Release Date: July 26, 2009 [EBook #7364] +Last Updated: August 22, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE ALBANY DEPOT + </h1> + <h2> + A FARCE + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By W. D. Howells + </h2> + <h3> + NEW YORK <br /><br /> HARPER AND BROTHERS <br /><br /> 1892 <br /><br /> + Copyright, 1891, by HARPER & BROTHERS + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + (THE ACTION PASSES IN BOSTON) + </h3> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> I. <i>MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS; THE + CHOREWOMAN</i> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> II. <i>ROBERTS AND WILLIS CAMPBELL</i> + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> III. <i>THE McILHENYS, ROBERTS, AND + CAMPBELL</i> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> IV. <i>ROBERTS AND CAMPBELL</i> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> V. <i>MRS. ROBERTS, MRS. CAMPBELL, + ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL; THEN THE COOK AND McILHENY</i> </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + I. <i>MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS; THE CHOREWOMAN</i> + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, with many proofs of an afternoon’s shopping in her hands and + arms, appears at the door of the ladies’ room, opening from the public + hall, and studies the interior with a searching gaze, which develops a few + suburban shoppers scattered over the settees, with their bags and + packages, and two or three old ladies in the rocking-chairs. The + Chorewoman is going about with a Saturday afternoon pail and mop, and + profiting by the disoccupation of the place in the hour between the + departures of two great expresses, to wipe up the floor. She passes near + the door where Mrs. Roberts is standing, and Mrs. Roberts appeals to her + in the anxiety which her failure to detect the object of her search has + awakened: “Oh, I was just looking for my husband. He was to meet me here + at ten minutes past three; but there don’t seem to <i>be </i>any + gentlemen.” + </p> + <p> + The Chorewoman: “Mem?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “I was just looking for my husband. He was to meet me here + at ten minutes past three; but there don’t seem to be any gentlemen. You + haven’t happened to notice—” + </p> + <p> + The Chorewoman: “There’s a gentleman over there beyant, readin’, that’s + just come in. He seemed to be lukun’ for somebody.” She applies the mop to + the floor close to Mrs. Roberts’s skirts. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, bending to the right and to the left, and then, by standing + on tiptoe, catching sight of a hat round a pillar: “Then it’s Mr. Roberts, + of course. I’ll just go right over to him. Thank you ever so much. Don’t + disturb yourself!” She picks her way round the area of damp left by the + mop, and approaches the hat from behind. “It <i>is</i> you, Edward! What a + horrid idea I had! I was just going to touch your hat from behind, for + fun; but I kept myself from it in time.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, looking up with a dazed air from the magazine in his hand: “Why, + what would have happened?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Oh, you know it mightn’t have been <i>you</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “But it <i>was</i> I.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Yes, I know; and I was perfectly sure of it; you’re always + so prompt, and I always wonder at it, such an absent-minded creature as + you are. But you came near spoiling everything by getting here behind this + pillar, and burying yourself in your book that way. If it hadn’t been for + my principle of always asking questions, I never should have found you in + the world. But just as I was really beginning to despair, the Chorewoman + came by, and I asked her if she had seen any gentleman here lately; and + she said there was one now, over here, and I stretched up and saw you. I + had such a fright for a moment, not seeing you; for I left my little plush + bag with my purse in it at Stearns’s, and I’ve got to hurry right back; + though I’m afraid they’ll be shut when I get there, Saturday afternoon, + this way; but I’m going to rattle at the front door, and perhaps they’ll + come—they always stay, some of them, to put the goods away; and I + can tell them I don’t want to buy anything, but I left my bag with my + purse in it, and I guess they’ll let me in. I want you to keep these + things for me, Edward; and I’ll leave my shopping-bag; I sha’n’t want it + any more. Don’t lose any of them. Better keep them all in your lap here + together, and then nobody will come and sit on them.” She disburdens + herself of her packages and parcels, and arranges them on her husband’s + knees, while she goes on talking. “I’m almost ready to drop, I’m so tired, + and I do believe I should let you go up to Stearns’s for me; but you + couldn’t describe the bag so they would recognize it, let alone what was + in it, and they wouldn’t give it to you, even if they would let you in to + inquire: they’re much more likely to let a lady in than a gentleman. But I + shall take a coupe, and tell the driver simply to fly, though there’s + plenty of time to go to the ends of the earth and back before our train + starts. Only I should like to be here to receive the Campbells, and keep + Willis from buying tickets for Amy and himself, and us, too, for that + matter; he has that vulgar passion—I don’t know where he’s picked it + up—for wanting to pay everybody’s way; and you’d never think of your + Hundred-Trip ticket-book till it was too late. Do take your book out and + hold it in your hand, so you’ll be sure to remember it, as soon as you see + Willis. You had better keep saying over to yourself, ‘Willis—Hundred-Trip + Tickets—Willis—Hundred-Trip Tickets;’ that’s the way <i>I</i> + do. Where <i>is</i> the book? I have to remember everything! <i>Do</i> + keep your ticket-book in your hand, Edward, till Willis comes.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “But I want to read, Agnes, and I’ve got to hold my <i>Pop. Sci.</i> + with one hand and keep your traps in my lap with the other. Did you find a + cook?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, with rapturous admiration of him: “Well, Edward, you <i>have</i> + got a brain! I declare, the cook had utterly gone out of my mind. + Forgetting that plush bag makes me forget everything. I’ve got a splendid + one—a perfect treasure. She won’t do any of the wash, and we’ll have + to put that out; and she’s been used to having a kitchen-maid; but she + said we were such a small family that she could shell the pease herself. + She’s the most respectable-looking old thing you ever saw; and she’s been + having ten dollars a week from the last family she was in; but she’ll come + the summer with us for six. I was very fortunate to get her; all the good + girls are snapped up for the sea-side in May, and they won’t go into the + country for love or money. It was the greatest chance! She’s such a neat, + quiet, lady-like person, and all the better for being Irish and a + Catholic: Catholics <i>do</i> give so much more of a flavor; and I never + could associate that Nova Scotia, sunken-cheeked leanness of Maria’s with + a cook. This one’s name is—well, I forget what her name is; Bridget, + or Norah, or something like that—and she’s a perfect little + butter-ball. She’s coming to go out on the same train with us; and she’ll + get the dinner to-night; and I sha’n’t have the mortification of sitting + down to a pickup meal with Amy Campbell, the first time she has visited + us; she’s conceited enough about her house-keeping as it is, I’m sure, and + I wouldn’t have her patronizing and pitying me for worlds. The cook will + be here at half-past three precisely; I had to pretend the train started a + little earlier than it does so as to make her punctual; they <i>are</i> + such uncertain things! and I don’t suppose I shall be back by that time, + quite, Edward, and so you must receive her. Let me see!” She glances up at + the clock on the wall. “It’s just quarter-past now, and our train goes at + ten minutes to four—My goodness! I’ll have to hurry.” + </p> + <p> + The Colored Man who cries the trains, walking half-way into the room and + then out: “Cars ready for Cottage Farms, Longwood, Chestnut Hill, + Brookline, Newton Centre, Newton Highlands, Waban, Riverside, and all + stations between Riverside and Boston. Circuit Line train now ready on + Track No. 3.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, in extreme agitation: “Good gracious, Edward, that’s our + train!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, jumping to his feet and dropping all her packages: “No, no, it + isn’t, my dear! That’s the Circuit Line train: didn’t you hear? Ours + doesn’t go till ten to four, on the Main Line.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Oh yes, so it does. How ridiculous! But now I <i>must</i> + run away and leave you, or I never shall get back in time. Be sure to + speak to the cook as soon as she comes in, or she’ll get discouraged and + go away again; you can’t depend on them for an instant; I told her <i>you</i> + would be here to meet her, if I wasn’t—I thought I might be late; + and you mustn’t let her slip. And if the Campbells happen to get here + before I’m back, don’t you give them the least inkling of our having just + engaged a cook. I’m going to smuggle her into the house without Amy’s + knowing it; I wouldn’t have her know it for the world. She prides herself + on keeping that impudent, spoiled thing of hers, with her two soups; and + she would simply never stop crowing if she knew I’d had to change cooks in + the middle of the summer.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, picking up and dropping the multitudinous packages, and finally + sitting down with them all in his lap, very red and heated: “I’ll be + careful, my dear.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “How flushed you are, bending over! You’re so stout now, you + ought to bend sidewise; it’s perfect folly, your trying to bend <i>straight</i> + over; you’ll get apoplexy. But now I <i>must</i> run, or I shall never be + back in the world. Don’t forget to look out for the cook!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, at whom she glances with misgiving as she runs out, holding the + parcels on his knees with both elbows and one hand, and contriving with + the help of his chin to get his magazine open again: “No, no; I won’t, my + dear.” He loses himself in his reading, while people come and go + restlessly. A gentleman finally drops into the seat beside him, and + contemplates his absorption with friendly amusement. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + II. <i>ROBERTS AND WILLIS CAMPBELL</i> + </h2> + <p> + Campbell: “Don’t mind <i>me,</i> Roberts.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, looking up: “Heigh? What! Why, Willis! Glad to see you—” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Now that you <i>do</i> see me, yes, I suppose you are. What + have you got there that makes you cut all your friends?” He looks at + Roberts’s open page. “Oh! <i>Popular Science Monthly.</i> Isn’t Agnes a + little afraid of your turning out an agnostic? By-the-way, where <i>is</i> + Agnes?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “She left her purse at Stearns’s, and she’s gone back after it. + Where’s Amy?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Wherever she said she wouldn’t be at the moment. I expected to + find her here with you and Agnes. What time did you say your train + started?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts. “At ten minutes to four. And, by-the-way—I’d almost + forgotten it—I must keep an eye out for the cook Agnes has been + engaging. She was to meet us here before half-past two, and I shall have + to receive her. You mustn’t tell Amy; Agnes doesn’t want her to know she’s + been changing cooks; and I’ve got to be very vigilant not to let her give + us the slip, or you won’t have any dinner to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Is that so? Well, that interests <i>me.</i> Were you expecting + to find her in the <i>Pop. Sci.</i>?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Oh, I’d only been reading a minute when you came in.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “I don’t believe you know how long you’d been reading. Very + likely your cook’s come and gone.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, with some alarm: “She couldn’t. I’d only just opened the book.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “I dare say you <i>think</i> so. But you’d better cast your + eagle eye over this assemblage now, and see if she isn’t here; though + probably she’s gone. What sort of looking woman is she?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, staring at him in consternation: “Bless my soul! I don’t know! I + never saw her!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Never saw her?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “No; Agnes engaged her at the intelligence-office, and told her + we should meet her here, and she had to go back for her purse, and left me + to explain.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! How did she expect you to recognize + her?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I—I don’t know, I’m sure. She—she was very anxious I + shouldn’t let her get away.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell, laughing: “You poor old fellow! What are you going to do?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I’m sure I’ve no idea. Agnes—” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Agnes ought to have a keeper. You know what I’ve always thought + of <i>your</i> presence of mind, Roberts; but Agnes—I’m really + surprised at Agnes. This is too good! I must tell Amy this. She’ll never + get over this. Ah, ha, ha, ha!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “No, no! You mustn’t, Willis. Agnes would be very much provoked + with me, if you told Amy she had been engaging a cook. She expects to + smuggle her into the house without Amy’s knowing.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “And she left you to meet her here, and keep her—a cook + you’d never set eyes on! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ah, ha, ha, ha! What’s her name?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Agnes couldn’t remember her last name—one never remembers + a cook’s last name. Her first name is Norah or Bridget.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Maggie, perhaps; they all sound alike. Ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! + This improves.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Don’t, Willis; you’ll attract attention. What—what shall I + do? If Agnes comes back, and finds I’ve let the cook get away, she’ll be + terribly put out.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Perfectly furious, you poor old fellow!—the rage of a + disappointed pigeon! I wouldn’t be in your shoes for anything. Oh my! I + wish Amy was here. Did—did—Agnes”—(he struggles with his + laughter, and explodes from time to time between syllables)—“did she + tell you how the woman looked?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “She said she was a very respectable-looking old thing—a + perfect butter-ball. I suppose she was stout.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “That covers the ground of a great many cooks. They’re apt to + look respectable when they’re off duty and they’re not in liquor, and + they’re apt to be perfect butter-balls. Any other distinctive traits?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, ruefully: “I don’t know. She’s Irish, and a Catholic.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “They’re apt to be Irish, and Catholics too. Well, Roberts, I + don’t see what you can ask better. All you’ve got to do is to pick out a + respectable butter-ball of that religion and nationality, and tell her + you’re Mrs. Roberts’s husband, and you’re to keep her from slipping away + till Mrs. Roberts gets here.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Oh, pshaw, now, Willis! What would you do?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “<i>There’s</i> a respectable butter-ball over in the corner by + the window there. You’d better go and speak to her. She’s got a gingham + bundle, like a cook’s, in her lap, and she keeps looking about in a + fidgety way, as if she expected somebody. I guess that’s your woman, + Roberts. Better not let her give you the slip. You’ll never hear the last + of it from Agnes if you do. And who’ll get our dinner to-night?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, looking over at the woman in the corner, with growing conviction; + “She does answer to the description.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Yes, and she looks tired of waiting. If I know anything of that + woman’s character, Roberts, she thinks she’s been trifled with, and she’s + not going to stay to be made a fool of any longer.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, getting to his feet: “Do you think so? What makes you think so? + Would you go and speak to her?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “I don’t know. She seems to be looking this way. Perhaps she + thinks she recognizes <i>you</i>, as she never saw you before.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “There can’t be any harm in asking her? She does seem to be + looking this way.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Pretty blackly, too. I guess she’s lost faith in you. It + wouldn’t be any use to speak to her now, Roberts.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I don’t know. I’m afraid I’d better. I must. How would you + introduce the matter, Willis?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Oh, I wouldn’t undertake to say! I must leave that entirely to + you.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Do you think I’d better go at it boldly, and ask her if she’s + the one; or—or—approach it more gradually?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “With a few remarks about the weather, or the last novel, or a + little society gossip? Oh, decidedly.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Oh, come, now, Willis! What would you advise? You must see it’s + very embarrassing.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Not the least embarrassing. Simplest thing in the world!” + </p> + <p> + The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going as before: “Cars + for Newton, Newtonville, West Newton, Auburndale, Riverside, Wellesley + Hills, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Express to Newton. Track + No. 5.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Ah, she’s off! She’s going to take the wrong train. She’s + gathering her traps together, Roberts!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I’ll go and speak to her.” He makes a sudden dash for the woman + in the corner. Campbell takes up his magazine, and watches him over the + top of it, as he stops before the woman, in a confidential attitude. In a + moment she rises, and with a dumb show of offence gathers up her + belongings and marches past Roberts to the door, with an angry glance + backward at him over her shoulder. He returns crestfallen to Campbell. + </p> + <p> + Campbell, looking up from his magazine, in affected surprise: “Where’s + your cook? You don’t mean to say she was the wrong woman?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, gloomily: “She wasn’t the right one.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “How do you know? What did you say to her?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I asked her if she had an appointment to meet a gentleman here.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “You <i>did</i>? And what did she say?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “She said ‘No!’ very sharply. She seemed to take it in dudgeon; + she fired up.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “I should think so. Sounded like an improper advertisement.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, in great distress: <i>“Don’t</i>, Willis, for Heaven’s sake!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Why, you must see it had a very clandestine look. How did you + get out of it?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I didn’t. I got into it further. I told her my wife had made an + appointment for me to meet a cook here that she’d engaged—” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “You added insult to injury. Go on!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “And that she corresponded somewhat to the description; and—and—” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “And she told me she was no more a cook than my wife was; and she + said she’d teach me to be playing my jokes on ladies; and she grabbed up + her things and flew out of the room.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell; “Waddled, <i>I</i> should have said. But this is pretty serious, + Roberts. She may be a relation of John L. Sullivan’s. I guess we better + get out of here; or, no, we can’t! We’ve got to wait for Amy and Agnes.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “What—what would you do?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “I don’t know. Look here, Roberts: would you mind sitting a + little way off, so as to look as if I didn’t belong with you? I don’t want + to be involved in this little row of yours unnecessarily.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Oh, come now, Willis! You don’t think she’ll make any trouble? I + apologized. I said everything I could think of. She <i>must</i> think I + was sincere.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “In taking her for a cook? I’ve no doubt she did. But I don’t + see how that would help matters. I don’t suppose she’s gone for an + officer; but I suspect she’s looking up the largest Irishman of her + acquaintance, to come back and interview you. I should advise you to go + out and get on some train; I’d willingly wait here for Amy and Agnes; but + you see the real cook might come here, after you went, and I shouldn’t + know her from Adam—or Eve. See?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, desperately. “I see—Good heavens! Here comes that woman + back; and a man with her. Willis, you must help me out.” Roberts gets + falteringly to his feet, and stands in helpless apprehension, while Mr. + and Mrs. McIlheny bear down upon him from the door. Mr. McIlheny, a small + and wiry Irishman, is a little more vivid for the refreshment he has + taken. He is in his best black suit, and the silk hat which he wears at a + threatening slant gives dignified impressiveness to his figure and + carriage. With some dumb-show of inquiry and assurance between himself and + his wife, he plants himself in front of Roberts, in an attitude equally + favorable for offence and defence. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + III. <i>THE McILHENYS, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL</i> + </h2> + <p> + McIlheny: “And are ye the mahn that’s after takun’ my wife for yer cuke?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. McIlheny, indicating Campbell, absorbed in his magazine: “And there’s + the other wan I saw jokun’ wid um, and puttun’ um up to it.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny, after a swift glance at Campbell’s proportions and + self-possession: “That’s what ye’re after thinkun’, Mary; but I haven’t + got annything to do with what ye’re after thinkun’. All I wannt to know is + what this mahn meant by preshumin’ to speak to a lady he didn’t know, and + takun’ her for a cuke.” To Roberts: “Will ye tell me that, ye—” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, in extreme embarrassment: “Yes, yes, certainly; I shall be very + glad to explain, if you’ll just step here to the corner. We’re attracting + attention where we are—” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Attintion! Do ye suppose I care for attintion, when it’s me + wife that’s been insulted?” He follows Roberts up, with Mrs. McIlheny, as + he retires to the corner where she had been sitting, out of the way of the + people coming and going. Campbell, after a moment, closes his magazine, + and joins them. + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Insulted? By no manner of means! Nothing was further from my + thoughts. I—I—can explain it all in a moment, my dear sir, if + you will have patience; I can indeed. I have the highest respect for the + lady, and I’m quite incapable of offering her an affront. The fact is—I + hardly know how to begin—” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Go ahn, sor; or I’ll have to do the beginnun’ meself, pretty + soon.” He shifts himself from one foot to another with a saltatory + briskness. + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “The fact is, my wife had engaged a cook, up-town, and she had + sent her down here to meet me, and go out with me to our summer place at + Weston.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “An’ fwhat has all that rigamarole to do wid your speakin’ to a + lady ye’d never been inthrojuced to? Fwhat had yer wife’s cuke to do with + Mrs. McIlheny?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Why, I didn’t know the cook by sight, you see. My wife had + engaged her up-town, and appointed her to meet me here, without reflecting + that I had never seen her, and wouldn’t know who she was, when I <i>did</i> + see her; she partly expected to be here herself, and so I didn’t reflect, + either.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny, with signs of an amicable interest: “An’ she lift ye to mate a + lady ye never had seen before, and expicted ye to know her by soight?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Precisely.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny, smiling: “Well, that’s loike a wooman, Mary; ye can’t say it + ain’t.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. McIlheny, grinning: “It’s loike a mahn, too, Mike, by the same + token.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Sure it’s no bad joke on ye, sor.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell, interposing: “I was having my laugh at him when your good lady + here noticed us. You see, I know his wife—she’s my sister—and + I could understand just how she would do such a thing, and—ah, ha, + ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! I don’t think I shall ever get over it.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Sure it <i>is</i> good! Hu, hu, hu, hu! Mary, it’s what ye’d + call a bull, if it was Irish, I’m thinkun’; an’ it’s no bad bull as it is, + my dear.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. McIlheny, laughing: “Ye’re right there, Mike. It’s as fine a bull as + ever there was.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “And my friend here insisted on going over and speaking to the + lady, in hopes she could help him out of the difficulty. I suppose he + bungled it; he only wanted to ask her if she’d seen a cook here, who had + an appointment to go out of town with a gentleman. I’d been joking him + about it, and he thought he must do something; and I fancy he made a mess + of it. He was a good deal worked up. Ha, ha, ha! Ah, ha, ha, ha!” Mr. and + Mrs. McIlheny join in his laugh, and finally Roberts himself. + </p> + <p> + The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going: “Cars for + Auburndale, Riverside, Pine Grove, and Newton Lower Falls. Express to + Auburndale, Track No. 7.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. McIlheny: “There’s our train. Mike! Come!” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “So ‘tis, Mary! Well, I’m hawpy to make yer acquaintance, + gentlemen; and if ye’re ever in the City Hahl when the Council is sittun’, + and ye’ll send in yer names to Mike McIlheny, I’ll be pl’ased to show ye + ahl the attintion in me power. Ye must excuse me <i>now</i>; we’re jist + runnun’ out to the Fahls to pass Sunday at a cousin’s of Mrs. McIlheny’s.” + He snakes hands with Roberts and Campbell, and runs out, followed by his + wife. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + IV. <i>ROBERTS AND CAMPBELL</i> + </h2> + <p> + Campbell: “Distinguished public character. Well, we’re out of that, + Roberts. I had to crowd the truth a little for you, but I fetched the + belligerent McIlheny. What are you going in for next?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I—upon my word, I haven’t the least idea. I think I shall + give up trying to identify the cook. Agnes must do it herself when she + comes here.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Oh no! <i>That</i> won’t do, old fellow. The cook may come here + and give you the slip before Agnes gets back.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “What would you do?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well, I don’t know; I don’t like to advise, exactly; but it + seems to me you’ve got to keep trying. You’ve got to keep your eye out for + respectable butter-balls, and not let them slip through your fingers.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “You mean, go up and speak to them? I <i>couldn’t</i> do that + again.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well, of course you didn’t make a howling success with Mrs. + McIlheny; but it wasn’t a dead-failure either. But you must use a little + more diplomacy—lead up to the subject gently. Don’t go and ask a + woman if she’s a cook, or had an appointment to meet a gentleman here. <i>That</i> + won’t do. I’ll tell you! You might introduce the business by asking if she + had happened to see a lady coming in or going out; and then describe + Agnes, and say you had expected to meet her here. And she’ll say she + hadn’t seen her here, but such a lady had just engaged her as a cook. And + then you’ll say you’re the lady’s husband, and you’re sure she’ll be in in + a moment. And there you are! That’s the way you ought to have worked it + with Mrs. McIlheny. Then it would have come out all right.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, pessimistically: “I don’t see how it would have made her the + cook.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “It couldn’t have done that, of course; but it would have done + everything short of that. But we’re well enough out of it, anyway. It was + mighty lucky I came in with my little amendment just when I did. There’s + all the difference in the world between asking a lady whether she <i>is</i> + a cook and whether she’s <i>seen</i> a cook. That difference just saved + the self-respect of the McIlhenys, and saved your life. It gave the truth + a slight twist in the right direction. You can’t be too careful about the + truth, Roberts. You can’t offer it to people in the crude state; it’s got + to be prepared. If you’d carried it through the way I wanted you to, the + night you and old Bemis garroted each other, you’d have come out perfectly + triumphant. What you want is not the <i>real</i> truth, but the <i>ideal</i> + truth; not what you <i>did,</i> but what you <i>ought</i> to have done. + Heigh? Now, you see, those McIlhenys have gone off with their + susceptibilities in perfect repair, simply because I substituted a <i>for</i> + for an <i>if,</i> and made you inquire <i>for</i> a cook instead of <i>if</i> + she was a cook. Perhaps you did ask for instead of ask if?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “No, no. I asked her if she <i>was</i> a cook.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well, I’m glad the McIlhenys had too much sense to believe + that. They’re happy, anyway. They’re enjoying the hobble that you and + Agnes are in, with lofty compassion. They—hello! here’s that fellow + coming back again!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Who? Which? Where?” He starts nervously about, and confronts Mr. + McIlheny bearing down upon him with a countenance of provisional severity. + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Just wan word more wid you, sor. Mrs. McIlheny has been + thinkun’ it oover, and she says you didn’t ask her if she was after <i>seeun</i> + a cuke, but whether she was after <i>beun’</i> a cuke? Now, sor, which + wahs ut? Out wfd ut! Don’t be thinkun’ ye can throw dust in our eyes + because we’re Irishmen!” A threatening tone prevails in Mr. McIlheny’s + address at the mounting confusion and hesitation in Roberts. “Come! are ye + deef, mahn?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, in spite of Campbell’s dumb-show inciting him to fiction: “I—I—if + you will kindly step apart here, I can explain. I was very confused when I + spoke to Mrs. McIlheny.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny, following him and Willis into the corner: “Fwhat made ye take my + wife for a cuke? Did she luke anny more like a cuke than yer own wife? Her + family is the best in County Mayo. Her father kept six cows, and she never + put her hands in wather. And ye come up to her in a public place like + this, where ye’re afraid to spake aboove yer own breath, and ask her if + she’s after beun’ the cuke yer wife’s engaged. Fwhat do ye mane by ut?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “My dear sir, I know—I can understand how it seems + offensive; but I can assure you that I had no intention—no—no—” + he falters, with an imploring glance at Campbell, who takes the word. + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Look here, Mr. McIlheny, you can appreciate the feelings of a + gentleman situated as my friend was here. He had to meet a lady whom he + had never seen before, and didn’t know by sight; and we decided—Mrs. + McIlheny was so pleasant and kindly looking—that he should go and + ask her if she had seen a lady of the description he was looking for, and—” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Yessor! I can appreciate ahl <i>that.</i> But fwhy did he ask + her if <i>she</i> was the lady? Fwhy did he ask her if she was a cuke? + That’s what I wannt to know!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well, now, I’m sure you can understand that. He was naturally a + good deal embarrassed at having to address a strange lady; his mind was + full of his wife’s cook, and instead of asking her if she’d <i>seen</i> a + cook, he bungled and he blundered, and asked her—I suppose—if + she <i>was</i> a cook. Can’t you see that? how it would happen?” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny, with conviction: “Yessor, I can. And I’ll feel it an hannor if + you gintlemen will join me in a glass of wine on the carner, across the + way—” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “But your train?” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Oh, domn the thrain! But I’ll just stip aboord and tell Mrs. + McIlheny I’ve met a frind, an’ I’ll be out by the next thrain, an’ I’ll be + back wid you in a jiffy.” He runs out, and Campbell turns to Roberts. + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Good heavens, Willis! what are we going to do? Surely, we can’t + go out and drink with this man?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “I’m afraid we sha’n’t have the pleasure. I’m afraid Mrs. + McIlheny is of a suspicious nature; and when Mr. Mac comes back, it’ll be + to offer renewed hostility instead of renewed hospitality. I don’t see + anything for us but flight, Roberts. Or, <i>you</i> can’t fly, you poor + old fellow! You’ve got to stay and look out for that cook. I’d be glad to + stay for you, but, you see, I should not know her.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I don’t know her either, Willis. I was just thinking whether you + couldn’t manage this wretched man rather better alone. I—I’m afraid + I confuse you; and he gets things out of me—admissions, you know—” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “No, no! Your moral support is everything. That lie of mine is + getting whittled away to nothing; we shall soon be down to the bare truth. + If it hadn’t been for these last admissions of yours, I don’t know what I + should have done. They were a perfect inspiration. I’ll tell you what, + Roberts! I believe you can manage this business twice as well without me. + But you must keep your eye out for the cook! You mustn’t let any + respectable butter-ball leave the room without asking her if she’s the + one. You’ll know how to put it more delicately now. And I won’t complicate + you with McIlheny any more. I’ll just step out here—” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “No, no, no! You mustn’t go, Willis. You mustn’t indeed! I + shouldn’t know what to do with that tipsy nuisance. Ah, here he comes + again!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell, cheerily, to the approaching McIlheny: “I hope you didn’t lose + your train, Mr. McIlheny!” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny, darkly: “Never moind my thrain, sor! My wife says it was a + put-up jahb between ye. She says ye were afther laughun’, and lukun’ and + winkun’ at her before this mahn slipped up to spake to her. Now what do ye + make of that?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “We were laughing, of course. I had been laughing at my friend’s + predicament, in being left to meet a lady he’d never seen before. You + laughed at it yourself.” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “I did, sor.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, basely truckling to him: “It was certainly a ludicrous position.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “And when we explained it, it amused your good lady too. She + laughed as much as yourself—” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “She did, sor. Ye’re right. Sure it would make a cow laugh. + Well, gintlemen, ye must excuse me. Mrs. McIlheny says I mustn’t stop for + the next thrain, and I’ll have to ask you to join me in that glass of wine + some other toime.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Oh, it’s all right, Mr. McIlheny. You’ve only got about half a + minute.” He glances at the clock, and McIlheny runs out, profusely waving + his hand in adieu. + </p> + <p> + Roberts, taking out his handkerchief and wiping his forehead: “Well, thank + Heaven! we’re rid of him at last.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “I’m not so sure of that. He’ll probably miss the train. You may + be sure Mrs. McIlheny is waiting for him outside of it, and then we shall + have them both on our hands indefinitely. We shall have to explain and + explain. Fiction has entirely failed us, and I feel that the truth is + giving way under our feet. I’ll tell you what, Roberts!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, in despair: “What?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Why, if McIlheny should happen to come back alone, we mustn’t + wait for him to renew his invitation to drink; we must take him out + ourselves, and get him drunk; so drunk he can’t remember anything; stone + drunk; dead drunk. Or, that is, <i>you</i> must. I haven’t got anything to + do with him. I wash my hands of the whole affair.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “You mustn’t, Willis! You know I can’t manage without you. And + you know I can’t take the man out and get him drunk. I couldn’t. I + shouldn’t feel that it was right.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Yes, I know. You’d have to drink with him; and you’ve got no + head at all. You’d probably get drunk first, and I don’t know what I + should say to Agnes.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “That isn’t the point, Willis. I couldn’t ask the man to drink; I + should consider it immoral. Besides, what should you do if the cook came + while I was away? You wouldn’t know her.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well, neither would you, if you stayed.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “That’s true. There doesn’t seem to be any end of it, or any way + out of it. I must just stay and bear it.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Of <i>course</i> you must stay. And when McIlheny comes back, + you’d better ask him out to look upon the wine when it is red.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “No; that’s impossible, quite. I shouldn’t mind the association—though + it isn’t very pleasant; but to offer drink to a man already—Do you + suppose it would do to ask him out for a glass of soda? Plain soda would + be good for him. Or I could order claret in it, if the worst came to the + worst.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Claret! What Mr. McIlheny requires is forty-rod whiskey in a + solution of sulphuric acid. You must take that, or fourth-proof brandy + straight, with him.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, miserably: “I couldn’t; you know I couldn’t.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “What are you going to do, then?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I don’t know; I don’t know. I—I’ll give him in charge to a + policeman.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “And make a scandal here?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Of course it can’t be done!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Of <i>course</i> it can’t. Give a councilman in charge? The + policeman will be Irish too, and then what’ll you do? You’re more likely + to be carried off yourself, when the facts are explained. They’ll have an + ugly look in the police report.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Oh, it can’t be done! Nothing can be done! I wish Agnes would + come!” + </p> + <p> + The Colored Man who calls the Trains: “Cars ready for South Framingham, + Whitneys, East Holliston, Holliston, Metcalf’s, Braggville, and Milford. + Express to Framingham. Milford Branch. Track No. 3.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + V. <i>MRS. ROBERTS, MRS. CAMPBELL, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL; THEN THE COOK + AND McILHENY</i> + </h2> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, rushing in and looking about in a flutter, till she + discovers her husband: “Good gracious, Edward! Is that our train? I ran + all the way from the station door as fast as I could run, and I’m + perfectly out of breath. Did you ever hear of anything like my meeting Amy + on the very instant? She was getting out of her coupe just as I was + getting out of mine, and I saw her the first thing as soon as I looked up. + It was the most wonderful chance. And the moment we pushed our way through + the door and got inside the outer hall, I heard the man calling the train—he + calls so distinctly—and I told her I was sure it was our train; and + then we just simply flew, both of us. I had the greatest time getting my + plush bag. They were all locked up at Stearns’s as tight as a drum, but I + saw somebody inside, moving about, and I rattled the door, and made signs + till he came; and then I said I had left my plush bag; and he said it was + against the rules, and I’d have to come Monday; and I told him I knew it + was, and I didn’t expect him to transgress the rules, but I wished very + much to have my plush bag, because there were some things in it that I + wished to have, as well as my purse; for I’d brought away my keys in it; + and I knew Willis—how d’ye do, Willis?—would want wine with + his dinner, and you’d have to break the closet open if I didn’t get the + key; and so he said he would see if the person who kept the picked-up + things was there yet; and it turned out he was, and he asked me for a + description of the bag and its contents; and I described them all, down to + the very last thing; and he said I had the greatest memory he ever saw. + And now I think everything is going off perfectly, and I shall be able to + show Amy that there’s something inland as well as at the seaside. Why + don’t you speak to her, Edward? What is the matter? What are you looking + at?” She detects him in the act of craning his neck to this side and that, + and peering over people’s heads and shoulders in the direction of the + door. “Hasn’t Norah—Bridget, I mean—come yet?” She frowns + significantly, and cautions him concerning Mrs. Campbell by pressing her + finger to her lip. + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Yes—yes, she’s here; I suppose she’s—she’s here. How + do you do, Amy? So glad—” He continues his furtive inspection of the + door-way, and Willis turns away with a snicker. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “Willis, what are you laughing at? Is there anything wrong + with my bonnet? Agnes, <i>is</i> there? He would let me go about looking + like a perfect auk. Did I bang it getting out of the coupe. Do tell me, + Willis!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, to her husband: “You don’t mean to say you haven’t <i>seen</i> + her yet?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, desperately: “Seen her? How should I know whether I’ve seen her? + I never saw her in my life.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Then what are you looking for, in that way?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “I—I’m looking for her husband.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Her husband?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Yes. He keeps coming back.” Campbell bursts into a wild shriek + of laughter. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, imploringly: “Willis, what <i>does</i> it mean?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell, threateningly: “Willis, if you don’t behave yourself—” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts, with the calm of despair: “Well, then, she isn’t coming! + She’s given us the slip! I might have known it! Well, the cat might as + well come out of the bag first as last, Amy, though I was trying to keep + it in, to spare your feelings; I knew you’d be so full of sympathy.” + Suddenly to her husband: “But if you saw her husband—Did he say she + sent him? I didn’t dream of her being married. How do you know it’s her + husband?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Because—because she went out and got him! Don’t I tell + you?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Went out and got him?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “When I spoke to her.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “When you spoke to her? But you said you didn’t see her!” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Of <i>course</i> I didn’t see her. How should I see her, when I + never saw her before? I went up and spoke to her, and she said she wasn’t + the one. She was very angry, and she went out and got her husband. He was + tipsy, and he’s been coming back ever since. I don’t know what to do about + the wretched creature. He says I’ve insulted his abominable wife!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell, laughing: “O Lord! Lord! This will be the death of me!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “This is one of your tricks, Willis; one of your vile + practical jokes.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “No, no, my dear! I couldn’t invent anything equal to <i>this</i>. + Oh my! oh my!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell, seizing him by the arm: “Well, if you don’t tell, + instantly, what it is—” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “But I <i>can’t</i> tell. I promised Roberts I wouldn’t.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts, wildly: “Oh, tell, tell!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “About the cook, too, Agnes?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Yes, yes; everything! Only tell!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell, struggling to recover himself: “Why, you see, Agnes engaged a + cook, up-town—” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “I didn’t want you to know it, Amy. I thought you would be + troubled if you knew you were coming to visit me just when I was trying to + break in a new cook, and so I told Edward not to let Willis know. Go on, + Willis.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “And I understand just how you felt about it, Agnes; you + knew he’d laugh. Go on, Willis.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “And she sent her down here, and told Roberts to keep her till + she came herself.” + </p> + <p> + Both Ladies: “Well?” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “And I found poor old Roberts here, looking out for a cook that + he’d never seen before, and expecting to recognize a woman that he’d never + met in his life.” He explodes in another fit of laughter. The ladies stare + at him in mystification. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “I would have stayed myself to meet her, but I’d left my + plush bag with my purse in it at Stearns’s, and I had to go back after + it.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “She <i>had</i> to leave him. What is there to laugh at?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “I see nothing to laugh at, Willis.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell, sobered: “You <i>don’t</i>?” + </p> + <p> + Both Ladies: “No.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well, by Jove! Then perhaps you don’t see anything to laugh at + in Roberts’s having to guess who the cook was; and going up to the wrong + woman, and her getting mad, and going out and bringing back her little + fiery-red tipsy Irishman of a husband, that wanted to fight Roberts; and + my having to lie out of it for him; and their going off again, and the + husband coming back four or five times between drinks, and having to be + smoothed up each time—” + </p> + <p> + Both Ladies: “No!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “It was simply horrid.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “It wasn’t funny at all; it was simply disgusting. Poor Mr. + Roberts!” + </p> + <p> + Campbell: “Well, by the holy poker! This knocks me out! The next time I’ll + marry a man, and have somebody around that can appreciate a joke. The + Irishman said himself it would make a cow laugh.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “I congratulate you on being of the same taste, Willis. And + I dare say you tried to heighten the absurdity, and add to poor Mr. + Roberts’s perplexity.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “No, no! I assure you, Amy, if it hadn’t been for Willis, I + shouldn’t have known how to manage. I was quite at my wits’ end.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “You are very generous, I’m sure, Mr. Roberts; and I + suppose I shall have to believe <i>you</i>.” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “But I couldn’t act upon the suggestion to take the man out and + treat him; Willis was convinced himself, I think, that that wouldn’t do. + But I confess I was tempted.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Treat him?” + </p> + <p> + Roberts: “Yes. He was rather tipsy already; and Willis thought he would be + more peaceable perhaps if we could get him quite drunk; but I really + couldn’t bring my mind to it, though I was so distracted that I was on the + point of yielding.” + </p> + <p> + Both Ladies: “Willis!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “You wanted poor Edward to go out and drink with that + wretched being, so as to get him into a still worse state?” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Campbell: “You suggested that poor Mr. Roberts should do such a thing + as that? Well, Willis!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Well, Willis!” She turns from him more in sorrow than in + anger, and confronts a cook-like person of comfortable bulk, with a bundle + in her hand, and every mark of hurry and exhaustion in her countenance. + “Why, here’s Bridget now!” + </p> + <p> + The Cook: “Maggie, mem! I was afraid I was after missun’ you, after all. I + couldn’t see the gentleman anywhere, and I’ve been runnun’ up and down the + depot askun’ fur um; and at last, thinks I, I’ll try the ladies’ room; and + sure enough here ye was yourself. It was lucky I thought of it.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “Oh! I forgot to tell you he’d be in the ladies’ room. But + it’s all right now, Maggie; and we’ve just got time to catch our train.” + </p> + <p> + Campbell, bitterly: “Well, Agnes, for a woman that’s set so many people by + the ears, you let yourself up pretty easily. By Jove! here comes that + fellow back again!” They all mechanically shrink aside, and leave Roberts + exposed to the approach of McIlheny. + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Now, sor, me thrain’s gahn, and we can talk this little matter + oover at our aise. What did ye mane, sor, by comin’ up to the Hannorable + Mrs. Michael McIlheny and askun’ her if she was a cuke? Did she luke like + a person that’d demane herself to a manial position like that? Her that + never put her hands in wather, and had hilpers to milk her father’s cows? + What did ye mane, sor? Did she luke like a lady, or did she luke like a + cuke? Tell me that!” + </p> + <p> + The Cook, bursting upon him from behind Roberts, who eagerly gives place + to her: “<i>I’ll</i> tell ye that meself, ye impidint felly! What’s to + kape a cuke from lukun’ like a lady, or a lady from lukun’ like a cuke? + Ah, Mike McIlheny, ye drunken blaggurd, is it <i>me</i> ye’re tellin’ that + Mary Molloy never put her hands in wather, and kept hilpers to milk her + father’s cows! Cows indade! It was wan pig under the bed; and more shame + to them that’s ashamed to call it a pig, if ye <i>are</i> my cousin! <i>I’m</i> + the lady the gentleman was lukin’ for, and if ye think I’m not as good as + Mary Molloy the best day she ever stipped, I’ll thank ye to tell me who + is. Be off wid ye, or I’ll say something ye’ll not like to hear!” + </p> + <p> + McIlheny: “Sure I was jokin’, Maggie! I was goun’ to tell the gintleman + that if he was lukun’ for a cuke, I’d a cousin out of place that was the + best professed cuke in Bahston. And I’m glad he’s got ye: and he’s a + gintleman every inch, and so’s his lady, I dar’ say, though I haven’t the + pleasure of her acquaintance—” + </p> + <p> + The Colored Man who calls the Trains: “Cars ready for West Newton, + Auburndale, Riverside, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Train for + South Framingham. Express to West Newton. Track No. 5.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Roberts: “That’s our train, Amy’ We get off at Auburndale. Willis, + Edward, Maggie—come!” They all rush out, leaving McIlheny alone. + </p> + <p> + McIlheny, looking thoughtfully after them: “Sure, I wonder what Mary’ll be + wantun’ me to ask um next!” + </p> + <p> + THE END <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + </body> +</html> diff --git a/7364.txt b/7364.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b76bf8a --- /dev/null +++ b/7364.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1427 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Albany Depot + A Farce + +Author: W. D. Howells + +Release Date: January, 2005 [EBook #7364] +Posting Date: July 26, 2009 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred + + + + + + + + +THE ALBANY DEPOT + +A FARCE + + +By W. D. Howells + + +NEW YORK + +HARPER AND BROTHERS + +1892 + +Copyright, 1891, by HARPER & BROTHERS + + + +(THE ACTION PASSES IN BOSTON) + + + + +I. _MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS; THE CHOREWOMAN_ + + +Mrs. Roberts, with many proofs of an afternoon's shopping in her hands +and arms, appears at the door of the ladies' room, opening from the +public hall, and studies the interior with a searching gaze, which +develops a few suburban shoppers scattered over the settees, with +their bags and packages, and two or three old ladies in the +rocking-chairs. The Chorewoman is going about with a Saturday +afternoon pail and mop, and profiting by the disoccupation of the +place in the hour between the departures of two great expresses, to +wipe up the floor. She passes near the door where Mrs. Roberts is +standing, and Mrs. Roberts appeals to her in the anxiety which her +failure to detect the object of her search has awakened: "Oh, I was +just looking for my husband. He was to meet me here at ten minutes +past three; but there don't seem to _be _any gentlemen." + +The Chorewoman: "Mem?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "I was just looking for my husband. He was to meet me +here at ten minutes past three; but there don't seem to be any +gentlemen. You haven't happened to notice--" + +The Chorewoman: "There's a gentleman over there beyant, readin', +that's just come in. He seemed to be lukun' for somebody." She applies +the mop to the floor close to Mrs. Roberts's skirts. + +Mrs. Roberts, bending to the right and to the left, and then, by +standing on tiptoe, catching sight of a hat round a pillar: "Then it's +Mr. Roberts, of course. I'll just go right over to him. Thank you ever +so much. Don't disturb yourself!" She picks her way round the area of +damp left by the mop, and approaches the hat from behind. "It _is_ +you, Edward! What a horrid idea I had! I was just going to touch your +hat from behind, for fun; but I kept myself from it in time." + +Roberts, looking up with a dazed air from the magazine in his hand: +"Why, what would have happened?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, you know it mightn't have been _you_." + +Roberts: "But it _was_ I." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Yes, I know; and I was perfectly sure of it; you're +always so prompt, and I always wonder at it, such an absent-minded +creature as you are. But you came near spoiling everything by getting +here behind this pillar, and burying yourself in your book that way. +If it hadn't been for my principle of always asking questions, I never +should have found you in the world. But just as I was really beginning +to despair, the Chorewoman came by, and I asked her if she had seen +any gentleman here lately; and she said there was one now, over here, +and I stretched up and saw you. I had such a fright for a moment, not +seeing you; for I left my little plush bag with my purse in it at +Stearns's, and I've got to hurry right back; though I'm afraid they'll +be shut when I get there, Saturday afternoon, this way; but I'm going +to rattle at the front door, and perhaps they'll come--they always +stay, some of them, to put the goods away; and I can tell them I don't +want to buy anything, but I left my bag with my purse in it, and I +guess they'll let me in. I want you to keep these things for me, +Edward; and I'll leave my shopping-bag; I sha'n't want it any more. +Don't lose any of them. Better keep them all in your lap here +together, and then nobody will come and sit on them." She disburdens +herself of her packages and parcels, and arranges them on her +husband's knees, while she goes on talking. "I'm almost ready to drop, +I'm so tired, and I do believe I should let you go up to Stearns's for +me; but you couldn't describe the bag so they would recognize it, let +alone what was in it, and they wouldn't give it to you, even if they +would let you in to inquire: they're much more likely to let a lady in +than a gentleman. But I shall take a coupe, and tell the driver simply +to fly, though there's plenty of time to go to the ends of the earth +and back before our train starts. Only I should like to be here to +receive the Campbells, and keep Willis from buying tickets for Amy and +himself, and us, too, for that matter; he has that vulgar passion--I +don't know where he's picked it up--for wanting to pay everybody's +way; and you'd never think of your Hundred-Trip ticket-book till it +was too late. Do take your book out and hold it in your hand, so +you'll be sure to remember it, as soon as you see Willis. You had +better keep saying over to yourself, 'Willis--Hundred-Trip +Tickets--Willis--Hundred-Trip Tickets;' that's the way _I_ do. Where +_is_ the book? I have to remember everything! _Do_ keep your +ticket-book in your hand, Edward, till Willis comes." + +Roberts: "But I want to read, Agnes, and I've got to hold my _Pop. +Sci._ with one hand and keep your traps in my lap with the other. Did +you find a cook?" + +Mrs. Roberts, with rapturous admiration of him: "Well, Edward, you +_have_ got a brain! I declare, the cook had utterly gone out of my +mind. Forgetting that plush bag makes me forget everything. I've got +a splendid one--a perfect treasure. She won't do any of the wash, and +we'll have to put that out; and she's been used to having a +kitchen-maid; but she said we were such a small family that she could +shell the pease herself. She's the most respectable-looking old thing +you ever saw; and she's been having ten dollars a week from the last +family she was in; but she'll come the summer with us for six. I was +very fortunate to get her; all the good girls are snapped up for the +sea-side in May, and they won't go into the country for love or money. +It was the greatest chance! She's such a neat, quiet, lady-like +person, and all the better for being Irish and a Catholic: Catholics +_do_ give so much more of a flavor; and I never could associate that +Nova Scotia, sunken-cheeked leanness of Maria's with a cook. This +one's name is--well, I forget what her name is; Bridget, or Norah, or +something like that--and she's a perfect little butter-ball. She's +coming to go out on the same train with us; and she'll get the dinner +to-night; and I sha'n't have the mortification of sitting down to a +pickup meal with Amy Campbell, the first time she has visited us; +she's conceited enough about her house-keeping as it is, I'm sure, and +I wouldn't have her patronizing and pitying me for worlds. The cook +will be here at half-past three precisely; I had to pretend the train +started a little earlier than it does so as to make her punctual; they +_are_ such uncertain things! and I don't suppose I shall be back by +that time, quite, Edward, and so you must receive her. Let me see!" +She glances up at the clock on the wall. "It's just quarter-past now, +and our train goes at ten minutes to four--My goodness! I'll have to +hurry." + +The Colored Man who cries the trains, walking half-way into the room +and then out: "Cars ready for Cottage Farms, Longwood, Chestnut Hill, +Brookline, Newton Centre, Newton Highlands, Waban, Riverside, and all +stations between Riverside and Boston. Circuit Line train now ready +on Track No. 3." + +Mrs. Roberts, in extreme agitation: "Good gracious, Edward, that's our +train!" + +Roberts, jumping to his feet and dropping all her packages: "No, no, +it isn't, my dear! That's the Circuit Line train: didn't you hear? +Ours doesn't go till ten to four, on the Main Line." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Oh yes, so it does. How ridiculous! But now I _must_ +run away and leave you, or I never shall get back in time. Be sure to +speak to the cook as soon as she comes in, or she'll get discouraged +and go away again; you can't depend on them for an instant; I told her +_you_ would be here to meet her, if I wasn't--I thought I might be +late; and you mustn't let her slip. And if the Campbells happen to get +here before I'm back, don't you give them the least inkling of our +having just engaged a cook. I'm going to smuggle her into the house +without Amy's knowing it; I wouldn't have her know it for the world. +She prides herself on keeping that impudent, spoiled thing of hers, +with her two soups; and she would simply never stop crowing if she +knew I'd had to change cooks in the middle of the summer." + +Roberts, picking up and dropping the multitudinous packages, and +finally sitting down with them all in his lap, very red and heated: +"I'll be careful, my dear." + +Mrs. Roberts: "How flushed you are, bending over! You're so stout now, +you ought to bend sidewise; it's perfect folly, your trying to bend +_straight_ over; you'll get apoplexy. But now I _must_ run, or I shall +never be back in the world. Don't forget to look out for the cook!" + +Roberts, at whom she glances with misgiving as she runs out, holding +the parcels on his knees with both elbows and one hand, and contriving +with the help of his chin to get his magazine open again: "No, no; I +won't, my dear." He loses himself in his reading, while people come +and go restlessly. A gentleman finally drops into the seat beside him, +and contemplates his absorption with friendly amusement. + + + + +II. _ROBERTS AND WILLIS CAMPBELL_ + +Campbell: "Don't mind _me,_ Roberts." + +Roberts, looking up: "Heigh? What! Why, Willis! Glad to see you--" + +Campbell: "Now that you _do_ see me, yes, I suppose you are. What have +you got there that makes you cut all your friends?" He looks at +Roberts's open page. "Oh! _Popular Science Monthly._ Isn't Agnes a +little afraid of your turning out an agnostic? By-the-way, where _is_ +Agnes?" + +Roberts: "She left her purse at Stearns's, and she's gone back after +it. Where's Amy?" + +Campbell: "Wherever she said she wouldn't be at the moment. I expected +to find her here with you and Agnes. What time did you say your train +started?" + +Roberts. "At ten minutes to four. And, by-the-way--I'd almost +forgotten it--I must keep an eye out for the cook Agnes has been +engaging. She was to meet us here before half-past two, and I shall +have to receive her. You mustn't tell Amy; Agnes doesn't want her to +know she's been changing cooks; and I've got to be very vigilant not +to let her give us the slip, or you won't have any dinner to-night." + +Campbell: "Is that so? Well, that interests _me._ Were you expecting +to find her in the _Pop. Sci._?" + +Roberts: "Oh, I'd only been reading a minute when you came in." + +Campbell: "I don't believe you know how long you'd been reading. Very +likely your cook's come and gone." + +Roberts, with some alarm: "She couldn't. I'd only just opened the +book." + +Campbell: "I dare say you _think_ so. But you'd better cast your eagle +eye over this assemblage now, and see if she isn't here; though +probably she's gone. What sort of looking woman is she?" + +Roberts, staring at him in consternation: "Bless my soul! I don't +know! I never saw her!" + +Campbell: "Never saw her?" + +Roberts: "No; Agnes engaged her at the intelligence-office, and told +her we should meet her here, and she had to go back for her purse, and +left me to explain." + +Campbell: "Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! How did she expect you to recognize +her?" + +Roberts: "I--I don't know, I'm sure. She--she was very anxious I +shouldn't let her get away." + +Campbell, laughing: "You poor old fellow! What are you going to do?" + +Roberts: "I'm sure I've no idea. Agnes--" + +Campbell: "Agnes ought to have a keeper. You know what I've always +thought of _your_ presence of mind, Roberts; but Agnes--I'm really +surprised at Agnes. This is too good! I must tell Amy this. She'll +never get over this. Ah, ha, ha, ha!" + +Roberts: "No, no! You mustn't, Willis. Agnes would be very much +provoked with me, if you told Amy she had been engaging a cook. She +expects to smuggle her into the house without Amy's knowing." + +Campbell: "And she left you to meet her here, and keep her--a cook +you'd never set eyes on! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ah, ha, ha, ha! What's her +name?" + +Roberts: "Agnes couldn't remember her last name--one never remembers a +cook's last name. Her first name is Norah or Bridget." + +Campbell: "Maggie, perhaps; they all sound alike. Ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha, +ha! This improves." + +Roberts: "Don't, Willis; you'll attract attention. What--what shall I +do? If Agnes comes back, and finds I've let the cook get away, she'll +be terribly put out." + +Campbell: "Perfectly furious, you poor old fellow!--the rage of a +disappointed pigeon! I wouldn't be in your shoes for anything. Oh my! +I wish Amy was here. Did--did--Agnes"--(he struggles with his +laughter, and explodes from time to time between syllables)--"did she +tell you how the woman looked?" + +Roberts: "She said she was a very respectable-looking old thing--a +perfect butter-ball. I suppose she was stout." + +Campbell: "That covers the ground of a great many cooks. They're apt +to look respectable when they're off duty and they're not in liquor, +and they're apt to be perfect butter-balls. Any other distinctive +traits?" + +Roberts, ruefully: "I don't know. She's Irish, and a Catholic." + +Campbell: "They're apt to be Irish, and Catholics too. Well, Roberts, +I don't see what you can ask better. All you've got to do is to pick +out a respectable butter-ball of that religion and nationality, and +tell her you're Mrs. Roberts's husband, and you're to keep her from +slipping away till Mrs. Roberts gets here." + +Roberts: "Oh, pshaw, now, Willis! What would you do?" + +Campbell: "_There's_ a respectable butter-ball over in the corner by +the window there. You'd better go and speak to her. She's got a +gingham bundle, like a cook's, in her lap, and she keeps looking about +in a fidgety way, as if she expected somebody. I guess that's your +woman, Roberts. Better not let her give you the slip. You'll never +hear the last of it from Agnes if you do. And who'll get our dinner +to-night?" + +Roberts, looking over at the woman in the corner, with growing +conviction; "She does answer to the description." + +Campbell: "Yes, and she looks tired of waiting. If I know anything of +that woman's character, Roberts, she thinks she's been trifled with, +and she's not going to stay to be made a fool of any longer." + +Roberts, getting to his feet: "Do you think so? What makes you think +so? Would you go and speak to her?" + +Campbell: "I don't know. She seems to be looking this way. Perhaps she +thinks she recognizes _you_, as she never saw you before." + +Roberts: "There can't be any harm in asking her? She does seem to be +looking this way." + +Campbell: "Pretty blackly, too. I guess she's lost faith in you. It +wouldn't be any use to speak to her now, Roberts." + +Roberts: "I don't know. I'm afraid I'd better. I must. How would you +introduce the matter, Willis?" + +Campbell: "Oh, I wouldn't undertake to say! I must leave that entirely +to you." + +Roberts: "Do you think I'd better go at it boldly, and ask her if +she's the one; or--or--approach it more gradually?" + +Campbell: "With a few remarks about the weather, or the last novel, or +a little society gossip? Oh, decidedly." + +Roberts: "Oh, come, now, Willis! What would you advise? You must see +it's very embarrassing." + +Campbell: "Not the least embarrassing. Simplest thing in the world!" + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going as before: +"Cars for Newton, Newtonville, West Newton, Auburndale, Riverside, +Wellesley Hills, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Express to +Newton. Track No. 5." + +Campbell: "Ah, she's off! She's going to take the wrong train. She's +gathering her traps together, Roberts!" + +Roberts: "I'll go and speak to her." He makes a sudden dash for the +woman in the corner. Campbell takes up his magazine, and watches him +over the top of it, as he stops before the woman, in a confidential +attitude. In a moment she rises, and with a dumb show of offence +gathers up her belongings and marches past Roberts to the door, with +an angry glance backward at him over her shoulder. He returns +crestfallen to Campbell. + +Campbell, looking up from his magazine, in affected surprise: "Where's +your cook? You don't mean to say she was the wrong woman?" + +Roberts, gloomily: "She wasn't the right one." + +Campbell: "How do you know? What did you say to her?" + +Roberts: "I asked her if she had an appointment to meet a gentleman +here." + +Campbell: "You _did_? And what did she say?" + +Roberts: "She said 'No!' very sharply. She seemed to take it in +dudgeon; she fired up." + +Campbell: "I should think so. Sounded like an improper advertisement." + +Roberts, in great distress: _"Don't_, Willis, for Heaven's sake!" + +Campbell: "Why, you must see it had a very clandestine look. How did +you get out of it?" + +Roberts: "I didn't. I got into it further. I told her my wife had made +an appointment for me to meet a cook here that she'd engaged--" + +Campbell: "You added insult to injury. Go on!" + +Roberts: "And that she corresponded somewhat to the description; +and--and--" + +Campbell: "Well?" + +Roberts: "And she told me she was no more a cook than my wife was; and +she said she'd teach me to be playing my jokes on ladies; and she +grabbed up her things and flew out of the room." + +Campbell; "Waddled, _I_ should have said. But this is pretty serious, +Roberts. She may be a relation of John L. Sullivan's. I guess we +better get out of here; or, no, we can't! We've got to wait for Amy +and Agnes." + +Roberts: "What--what would you do?" + +Campbell: "I don't know. Look here, Roberts: would you mind sitting a +little way off, so as to look as if I didn't belong with you? I don't +want to be involved in this little row of yours unnecessarily." + +Roberts: "Oh, come now, Willis! You don't think she'll make any +trouble? I apologized. I said everything I could think of. She _must_ +think I was sincere." + +Campbell: "In taking her for a cook? I've no doubt she did. But I +don't see how that would help matters. I don't suppose she's gone for +an officer; but I suspect she's looking up the largest Irishman of her +acquaintance, to come back and interview you. I should advise you to +go out and get on some train; I'd willingly wait here for Amy and +Agnes; but you see the real cook might come here, after you went, and +I shouldn't know her from Adam--or Eve. See?" + +Roberts, desperately. "I see--Good heavens! Here comes that woman +back; and a man with her. Willis, you must help me out." Roberts gets +falteringly to his feet, and stands in helpless apprehension, while +Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny bear down upon him from the door. Mr. McIlheny, +a small and wiry Irishman, is a little more vivid for the refreshment +he has taken. He is in his best black suit, and the silk hat which he +wears at a threatening slant gives dignified impressiveness to his +figure and carriage. With some dumb-show of inquiry and assurance +between himself and his wife, he plants himself in front of Roberts, +in an attitude equally favorable for offence and defence. + + + + +III. _THE McILHENYS, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL_ + +McIlheny: "And are ye the mahn that's after takun' my wife for yer +cuke?" + +Mrs. McIlheny, indicating Campbell, absorbed in his magazine: "And +there's the other wan I saw jokun' wid um, and puttun' um up to it." + +McIlheny, after a swift glance at Campbell's proportions and +self-possession: "That's what ye're after thinkun', Mary; but I +haven't got annything to do with what ye're after thinkun'. All I +wannt to know is what this mahn meant by preshumin' to speak to a lady +he didn't know, and takun' her for a cuke." To Roberts: "Will ye tell +me that, ye--" + +Roberts, in extreme embarrassment: "Yes, yes, certainly; I shall be +very glad to explain, if you'll just step here to the corner. We're +attracting attention where we are--" + +McIlheny: "Attintion! Do ye suppose I care for attintion, when it's me +wife that's been insulted?" He follows Roberts up, with Mrs. McIlheny, +as he retires to the corner where she had been sitting, out of the way +of the people coming and going. Campbell, after a moment, closes his +magazine, and joins them. + +Roberts: "Insulted? By no manner of means! Nothing was further from my +thoughts. I--I--can explain it all in a moment, my dear sir, if you +will have patience; I can indeed. I have the highest respect for the +lady, and I'm quite incapable of offering her an affront. The fact +is--I hardly know how to begin--" + +McIlheny: "Go ahn, sor; or I'll have to do the beginnun' meself, +pretty soon." He shifts himself from one foot to another with a +saltatory briskness. + +Roberts: "The fact is, my wife had engaged a cook, up-town, and she +had sent her down here to meet me, and go out with me to our summer +place at Weston." + +McIlheny: "An' fwhat has all that rigamarole to do wid your speakin' +to a lady ye'd never been inthrojuced to? Fwhat had yer wife's cuke to +do with Mrs. McIlheny?" + +Roberts: "Why, I didn't know the cook by sight, you see. My wife had +engaged her up-town, and appointed her to meet me here, without +reflecting that I had never seen her, and wouldn't know who she was, +when I _did_ see her; she partly expected to be here herself, and so I +didn't reflect, either." + +McIlheny, with signs of an amicable interest: "An' she lift ye to mate +a lady ye never had seen before, and expicted ye to know her by +soight?" + +Roberts: "Precisely." + +McIlheny, smiling: "Well, that's loike a wooman, Mary; ye can't say it +ain't." + +Mrs. McIlheny, grinning: "It's loike a mahn, too, Mike, by the same +token." + +McIlheny: "Sure it's no bad joke on ye, sor." + +Campbell, interposing: "I was having my laugh at him when your good +lady here noticed us. You see, I know his wife--she's my sister--and I +could understand just how she would do such a thing, and--ah, ha, ha, +ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! I don't think I shall ever get over it." + +McIlheny: "Sure it _is_ good! Hu, hu, hu, hu! Mary, it's what ye'd +call a bull, if it was Irish, I'm thinkun'; an' it's no bad bull as it +is, my dear." + +Mrs. McIlheny, laughing: "Ye're right there, Mike. It's as fine a bull +as ever there was." + +Campbell: "And my friend here insisted on going over and speaking to +the lady, in hopes she could help him out of the difficulty. I suppose +he bungled it; he only wanted to ask her if she'd seen a cook here, +who had an appointment to go out of town with a gentleman. I'd been +joking him about it, and he thought he must do something; and I fancy +he made a mess of it. He was a good deal worked up. Ha, ha, ha! Ah, +ha, ha, ha!" Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny join in his laugh, and finally +Roberts himself. + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going: "Cars for +Auburndale, Riverside, Pine Grove, and Newton Lower Falls. Express to +Auburndale, Track No. 7." + +Mrs. McIlheny: "There's our train. Mike! Come!" + +McIlheny: "So 'tis, Mary! Well, I'm hawpy to make yer acquaintance, +gentlemen; and if ye're ever in the City Hahl when the Council is +sittun', and ye'll send in yer names to Mike McIlheny, I'll be pl'ased +to show ye ahl the attintion in me power. Ye must excuse me _now_; +we're jist runnun' out to the Fahls to pass Sunday at a cousin's of +Mrs. McIlheny's." He snakes hands with Roberts and Campbell, and runs +out, followed by his wife. + + + + +IV. _ROBERTS AND CAMPBELL_ + +Campbell: "Distinguished public character. Well, we're out of that, +Roberts. I had to crowd the truth a little for you, but I fetched the +belligerent McIlheny. What are you going in for next?" + +Roberts: "I--upon my word, I haven't the least idea. I think I shall +give up trying to identify the cook. Agnes must do it herself when she +comes here." + +Campbell: "Oh no! _That_ won't do, old fellow. The cook may come here +and give you the slip before Agnes gets back." + +Roberts: "What would you do?" + +Campbell: "Well, I don't know; I don't like to advise, exactly; but it +seems to me you've got to keep trying. You've got to keep your eye out +for respectable butter-balls, and not let them slip through your +fingers." + +Roberts: "You mean, go up and speak to them? I _couldn't_ do that +again." + +Campbell: "Well, of course you didn't make a howling success with Mrs. +McIlheny; but it wasn't a dead-failure either. But you must use a +little more diplomacy--lead up to the subject gently. Don't go and ask +a woman if she's a cook, or had an appointment to meet a gentleman +here. _That_ won't do. I'll tell you! You might introduce the +business by asking if she had happened to see a lady coming in or +going out; and then describe Agnes, and say you had expected to meet +her here. And she'll say she hadn't seen her here, but such a lady had +just engaged her as a cook. And then you'll say you're the lady's +husband, and you're sure she'll be in in a moment. And there you are! +That's the way you ought to have worked it with Mrs. McIlheny. Then it +would have come out all right." + +Roberts, pessimistically: "I don't see how it would have made her the +cook." + +Campbell: "It couldn't have done that, of course; but it would have +done everything short of that. But we're well enough out of it, +anyway. It was mighty lucky I came in with my little amendment just +when I did. There's all the difference in the world between asking a +lady whether she _is_ a cook and whether she's _seen_ a cook. That +difference just saved the self-respect of the McIlhenys, and saved +your life. It gave the truth a slight twist in the right direction. +You can't be too careful about the truth, Roberts. You can't offer it +to people in the crude state; it's got to be prepared. If you'd +carried it through the way I wanted you to, the night you and old +Bemis garroted each other, you'd have come out perfectly triumphant. +What you want is not the _real_ truth, but the _ideal_ truth; not what +you _did,_ but what you _ought_ to have done. Heigh? Now, you see, +those McIlhenys have gone off with their susceptibilities in perfect +repair, simply because I substituted a _for_ for an _if,_ and made you +inquire _for_ a cook instead of _if_ she was a cook. Perhaps you did +ask for instead of ask if?" + +Roberts: "No, no. I asked her if she _was_ a cook." + +Campbell: "Well, I'm glad the McIlhenys had too much sense to believe +that. They're happy, anyway. They're enjoying the hobble that you and +Agnes are in, with lofty compassion. They--hello! here's that fellow +coming back again!" + +Roberts: "Who? Which? Where?" He starts nervously about, and confronts +Mr. McIlheny bearing down upon him with a countenance of provisional +severity. + +McIlheny: "Just wan word more wid you, sor. Mrs. McIlheny has been +thinkun' it oover, and she says you didn't ask her if she was after +_seeun_ a cuke, but whether she was after _beun'_ a cuke? Now, sor, +which wahs ut? Out wfd ut! Don't be thinkun' ye can throw dust in our +eyes because we're Irishmen!" A threatening tone prevails in Mr. +McIlheny's address at the mounting confusion and hesitation in +Roberts. "Come! are ye deef, mahn?" + +Roberts, in spite of Campbell's dumb-show inciting him to fiction: +"I--I--if you will kindly step apart here, I can explain. I was very +confused when I spoke to Mrs. McIlheny." + +McIlheny, following him and Willis into the corner: "Fwhat made ye +take my wife for a cuke? Did she luke anny more like a cuke than yer +own wife? Her family is the best in County Mayo. Her father kept six +cows, and she never put her hands in wather. And ye come up to her in +a public place like this, where ye're afraid to spake aboove yer own +breath, and ask her if she's after beun' the cuke yer wife's engaged. +Fwhat do ye mane by ut?" + +Roberts: "My dear sir, I know--I can understand how it seems +offensive; but I can assure you that I had no intention--no--no--" he +falters, with an imploring glance at Campbell, who takes the word. + +Campbell: "Look here, Mr. McIlheny, you can appreciate the feelings of +a gentleman situated as my friend was here. He had to meet a lady whom +he had never seen before, and didn't know by sight; and we +decided--Mrs. McIlheny was so pleasant and kindly looking--that he +should go and ask her if she had seen a lady of the description he was +looking for, and--" + +McIlheny: "Yessor! I can appreciate ahl _that._ But fwhy did he ask +her if _she_ was the lady? Fwhy did he ask her if she was a cuke? +That's what I wannt to know!" + +Campbell: "Well, now, I'm sure you can understand that. He was +naturally a good deal embarrassed at having to address a strange lady; +his mind was full of his wife's cook, and instead of asking her if +she'd _seen_ a cook, he bungled and he blundered, and asked her--I +suppose--if she _was_ a cook. Can't you see that? how it would +happen?" + +McIlheny, with conviction: "Yessor, I can. And I'll feel it an hannor +if you gintlemen will join me in a glass of wine on the carner, across +the way--" + +Campbell: "But your train?" + +McIlheny: "Oh, domn the thrain! But I'll just stip aboord and tell +Mrs. McIlheny I've met a frind, an' I'll be out by the next thrain, +an' I'll be back wid you in a jiffy." He runs out, and Campbell turns +to Roberts. + +Roberts: "Good heavens, Willis! what are we going to do? Surely, we +can't go out and drink with this man?" + +Campbell: "I'm afraid we sha'n't have the pleasure. I'm afraid Mrs. +McIlheny is of a suspicious nature; and when Mr. Mac comes back, it'll +be to offer renewed hostility instead of renewed hospitality. I don't +see anything for us but flight, Roberts. Or, _you_ can't fly, you poor +old fellow! You've got to stay and look out for that cook. I'd be glad +to stay for you, but, you see, I should not know her." + +Roberts: "I don't know her either, Willis. I was just thinking whether +you couldn't manage this wretched man rather better alone. I--I'm +afraid I confuse you; and he gets things out of me--admissions, you +know--" + +Campbell: "No, no! Your moral support is everything. That lie of mine +is getting whittled away to nothing; we shall soon be down to the bare +truth. If it hadn't been for these last admissions of yours, I don't +know what I should have done. They were a perfect inspiration. I'll +tell you what, Roberts! I believe you can manage this business twice +as well without me. But you must keep your eye out for the cook! You +mustn't let any respectable butter-ball leave the room without asking +her if she's the one. You'll know how to put it more delicately now. +And I won't complicate you with McIlheny any more. I'll just step out +here--" + +Roberts: "No, no, no! You mustn't go, Willis. You mustn't indeed! I +shouldn't know what to do with that tipsy nuisance. Ah, here he comes +again!" + +Campbell, cheerily, to the approaching McIlheny: "I hope you didn't +lose your train, Mr. McIlheny!" + +McIlheny, darkly: "Never moind my thrain, sor! My wife says it was a +put-up jahb between ye. She says ye were afther laughun', and lukun' +and winkun' at her before this mahn slipped up to spake to her. Now +what do ye make of that?" + +Campbell: "We were laughing, of course. I had been laughing at my +friend's predicament, in being left to meet a lady he'd never seen +before. You laughed at it yourself." + +McIlheny: "I did, sor." + +Roberts, basely truckling to him: "It was certainly a ludicrous +position." + +Campbell: "And when we explained it, it amused your good lady too. She +laughed as much as yourself--" + +McIlheny: "She did, sor. Ye're right. Sure it would make a cow laugh. +Well, gintlemen, ye must excuse me. Mrs. McIlheny says I mustn't stop +for the next thrain, and I'll have to ask you to join me in that glass +of wine some other toime." + +Campbell: "Oh, it's all right, Mr. McIlheny. You've only got about +half a minute." He glances at the clock, and McIlheny runs out, +profusely waving his hand in adieu. + +Roberts, taking out his handkerchief and wiping his forehead: "Well, +thank Heaven! we're rid of him at last." + +Campbell: "I'm not so sure of that. He'll probably miss the train. You +may be sure Mrs. McIlheny is waiting for him outside of it, and then +we shall have them both on our hands indefinitely. We shall have to +explain and explain. Fiction has entirely failed us, and I feel that +the truth is giving way under our feet. I'll tell you what, Roberts!" + +Roberts, in despair: "What?" + +Campbell: "Why, if McIlheny should happen to come back alone, we +mustn't wait for him to renew his invitation to drink; we must take +him out ourselves, and get him drunk; so drunk he can't remember +anything; stone drunk; dead drunk. Or, that is, _you_ must. I haven't +got anything to do with him. I wash my hands of the whole affair." + +Roberts: "You mustn't, Willis! You know I can't manage without you. +And you know I can't take the man out and get him drunk. I couldn't. I +shouldn't feel that it was right." + +Campbell: "Yes, I know. You'd have to drink with him; and you've got +no head at all. You'd probably get drunk first, and I don't know what +I should say to Agnes." + +Roberts: "That isn't the point, Willis. I couldn't ask the man to +drink; I should consider it immoral. Besides, what should you do if +the cook came while I was away? You wouldn't know her." + +Campbell: "Well, neither would you, if you stayed." + +Roberts: "That's true. There doesn't seem to be any end of it, or any +way out of it. I must just stay and bear it." + +Campbell: "Of _course_ you must stay. And when McIlheny comes back, +you'd better ask him out to look upon the wine when it is red." + +Roberts: "No; that's impossible, quite. I shouldn't mind the +association--though it isn't very pleasant; but to offer drink to a +man already--Do you suppose it would do to ask him out for a glass of +soda? Plain soda would be good for him. Or I could order claret in +it, if the worst came to the worst." + +Campbell: "Claret! What Mr. McIlheny requires is forty-rod whiskey in +a solution of sulphuric acid. You must take that, or fourth-proof +brandy straight, with him." + +Roberts, miserably: "I couldn't; you know I couldn't." + +Campbell: "What are you going to do, then?" + +Roberts: "I don't know; I don't know. I--I'll give him in charge to a +policeman." + +Campbell: "And make a scandal here?" + +Roberts: "Of course it can't be done!" + +Campbell: "Of _course_ it can't. Give a councilman in charge? The +policeman will be Irish too, and then what'll you do? You're more +likely to be carried off yourself, when the facts are explained. +They'll have an ugly look in the police report." + +Roberts: "Oh, it can't be done! Nothing can be done! I wish Agnes +would come!" + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains: "Cars ready for South +Framingham, Whitneys, East Holliston, Holliston, Metcalf's, +Braggville, and Milford. Express to Framingham. Milford Branch. Track +No. 3." + + + + +V. _MRS. ROBERTS, MRS. CAMPBELL, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL; THEN THE COOK AND McILHENY_ + +Mrs. Roberts, rushing in and looking about in a flutter, till she +discovers her husband: "Good gracious, Edward! Is that our train? I +ran all the way from the station door as fast as I could run, and I'm +perfectly out of breath. Did you ever hear of anything like my meeting +Amy on the very instant? She was getting out of her coupe just as I +was getting out of mine, and I saw her the first thing as soon as I +looked up. It was the most wonderful chance. And the moment we pushed +our way through the door and got inside the outer hall, I heard the +man calling the train--he calls so distinctly--and I told her I was +sure it was our train; and then we just simply flew, both of us. I had +the greatest time getting my plush bag. They were all locked up at +Stearns's as tight as a drum, but I saw somebody inside, moving about, +and I rattled the door, and made signs till he came; and then I said I +had left my plush bag; and he said it was against the rules, and I'd +have to come Monday; and I told him I knew it was, and I didn't expect +him to transgress the rules, but I wished very much to have my plush +bag, because there were some things in it that I wished to have, as +well as my purse; for I'd brought away my keys in it; and I knew +Willis--how d'ye do, Willis?--would want wine with his dinner, and +you'd have to break the closet open if I didn't get the key; and so he +said he would see if the person who kept the picked-up things was +there yet; and it turned out he was, and he asked me for a description +of the bag and its contents; and I described them all, down to the +very last thing; and he said I had the greatest memory he ever saw. +And now I think everything is going off perfectly, and I shall be able +to show Amy that there's something inland as well as at the seaside. +Why don't you speak to her, Edward? What is the matter? What are you +looking at?" She detects him in the act of craning his neck to this +side and that, and peering over people's heads and shoulders in the +direction of the door. "Hasn't Norah--Bridget, I mean--come yet?" She +frowns significantly, and cautions him concerning Mrs. Campbell by +pressing her finger to her lip. + +Roberts: "Yes--yes, she's here; I suppose she's--she's here. How do +you do, Amy? So glad--" He continues his furtive inspection of the +door-way, and Willis turns away with a snicker. + +Mrs. Campbell: "Willis, what are you laughing at? Is there anything +wrong with my bonnet? Agnes, _is_ there? He would let me go about +looking like a perfect auk. Did I bang it getting out of the coupe. Do +tell me, Willis!" + +Mrs. Roberts, to her husband: "You don't mean to say you haven't +_seen_ her yet?" + +Roberts, desperately: "Seen her? How should I know whether I've seen +her? I never saw her in my life." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Then what are you looking for, in that way?" + +Roberts: "I--I'm looking for her husband." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Her husband?" + +Roberts: "Yes. He keeps coming back." Campbell bursts into a wild +shriek of laughter. + +Mrs. Roberts, imploringly: "Willis, what _does_ it mean?" + +Mrs. Campbell, threateningly: "Willis, if you don't behave yourself--" + +Mrs. Roberts, with the calm of despair: "Well, then, she isn't coming! +She's given us the slip! I might have known it! Well, the cat might as +well come out of the bag first as last, Amy, though I was trying to +keep it in, to spare your feelings; I knew you'd be so full of +sympathy." Suddenly to her husband: "But if you saw her husband--Did +he say she sent him? I didn't dream of her being married. How do you +know it's her husband?" + +Roberts: "Because--because she went out and got him! Don't I tell +you?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Went out and got him?" + +Roberts: "When I spoke to her." + +Mrs. Roberts: "When you spoke to her? But you said you didn't see +her!" + +Roberts: "Of _course_ I didn't see her. How should I see her, when I +never saw her before? I went up and spoke to her, and she said she +wasn't the one. She was very angry, and she went out and got her +husband. He was tipsy, and he's been coming back ever since. I don't +know what to do about the wretched creature. He says I've insulted his +abominable wife!" + +Campbell, laughing: "O Lord! Lord! This will be the death of me!" + +Mrs. Campbell: "This is one of your tricks, Willis; one of your vile +practical jokes." + +Campbell: "No, no, my dear! I couldn't invent anything equal to _this_. +Oh my! oh my!" + +Mrs. Campbell, seizing him by the arm: "Well, if you don't tell, +instantly, what it is--" + +Campbell: "But I _can't_ tell. I promised Roberts I wouldn't." + +Roberts, wildly: "Oh, tell, tell!" + +Campbell: "About the cook, too, Agnes?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Yes, yes; everything! Only tell!" + +Campbell, struggling to recover himself: "Why, you see, Agnes engaged +a cook, up-town--" + +Mrs. Roberts: "I didn't want you to know it, Amy. I thought you would +be troubled if you knew you were coming to visit me just when I was +trying to break in a new cook, and so I told Edward not to let Willis +know. Go on, Willis." + +Mrs. Campbell: "And I understand just how you felt about it, Agnes; +you knew he'd laugh. Go on, Willis." + +Campbell: "And she sent her down here, and told Roberts to keep her +till she came herself." + +Both Ladies: "Well?" + +Campbell: "And I found poor old Roberts here, looking out for a cook +that he'd never seen before, and expecting to recognize a woman that +he'd never met in his life." He explodes in another fit of laughter. +The ladies stare at him in mystification. + +Mrs. Roberts: "I would have stayed myself to meet her, but I'd left my +plush bag with my purse in it at Stearns's, and I had to go back after +it." + +Mrs. Campbell: "She _had_ to leave him. What is there to laugh at?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "I see nothing to laugh at, Willis." + +Campbell, sobered: "You _don't_?" + +Both Ladies: "No." + +Campbell: "Well, by Jove! Then perhaps you don't see anything to laugh +at in Roberts's having to guess who the cook was; and going up to the +wrong woman, and her getting mad, and going out and bringing back her +little fiery-red tipsy Irishman of a husband, that wanted to fight +Roberts; and my having to lie out of it for him; and their going off +again, and the husband coming back four or five times between drinks, +and having to be smoothed up each time--" + +Both Ladies: "No!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "It was simply horrid." + +Mrs. Campbell: "It wasn't funny at all; it was simply disgusting. Poor +Mr. Roberts!" + +Campbell: "Well, by the holy poker! This knocks me out! The next time +I'll marry a man, and have somebody around that can appreciate a joke. +The Irishman said himself it would make a cow laugh." + +Mrs. Campbell: "I congratulate you on being of the same taste, Willis. +And I dare say you tried to heighten the absurdity, and add to poor +Mr. Roberts's perplexity." + +Roberts: "No, no! I assure you, Amy, if it hadn't been for Willis, I +shouldn't have known how to manage. I was quite at my wits' end." + +Mrs. Campbell: "You are very generous, I'm sure, Mr. Roberts; and I +suppose I shall have to believe _you_." + +Roberts: "But I couldn't act upon the suggestion to take the man out +and treat him; Willis was convinced himself, I think, that that +wouldn't do. But I confess I was tempted." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Treat him?" + +Roberts: "Yes. He was rather tipsy already; and Willis thought he +would be more peaceable perhaps if we could get him quite drunk; but I +really couldn't bring my mind to it, though I was so distracted that I +was on the point of yielding." + +Both Ladies: "Willis!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "You wanted poor Edward to go out and drink with that +wretched being, so as to get him into a still worse state?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "You suggested that poor Mr. Roberts should do such a +thing as that? Well, Willis!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Well, Willis!" She turns from him more in sorrow than +in anger, and confronts a cook-like person of comfortable bulk, with a +bundle in her hand, and every mark of hurry and exhaustion in her +countenance. "Why, here's Bridget now!" + +The Cook: "Maggie, mem! I was afraid I was after missun' you, after +all. I couldn't see the gentleman anywhere, and I've been runnun' up +and down the depot askun' fur um; and at last, thinks I, I'll try the +ladies' room; and sure enough here ye was yourself. It was lucky I +thought of it." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Oh! I forgot to tell you he'd be in the ladies' room. +But it's all right now, Maggie; and we've just got time to catch our +train." + +Campbell, bitterly: "Well, Agnes, for a woman that's set so many +people by the ears, you let yourself up pretty easily. By Jove! here +comes that fellow back again!" They all mechanically shrink aside, and +leave Roberts exposed to the approach of McIlheny. + +McIlheny: "Now, sor, me thrain's gahn, and we can talk this little +matter oover at our aise. What did ye mane, sor, by comin' up to the +Hannorable Mrs. Michael McIlheny and askun' her if she was a cuke? Did +she luke like a person that'd demane herself to a manial position +like that? Her that never put her hands in wather, and had hilpers to +milk her father's cows? What did ye mane, sor? Did she luke like a +lady, or did she luke like a cuke? Tell me that!" + +The Cook, bursting upon him from behind Roberts, who eagerly gives +place to her: "_I'll_ tell ye that meself, ye impidint felly! What's +to kape a cuke from lukun' like a lady, or a lady from lukun' like a +cuke? Ah, Mike McIlheny, ye drunken blaggurd, is it _me_ ye're tellin' +that Mary Molloy never put her hands in wather, and kept hilpers to +milk her father's cows! Cows indade! It was wan pig under the bed; and +more shame to them that's ashamed to call it a pig, if ye _are_ my +cousin! _I'm_ the lady the gentleman was lukin' for, and if ye think +I'm not as good as Mary Molloy the best day she ever stipped, I'll +thank ye to tell me who is. Be off wid ye, or I'll say something ye'll +not like to hear!" + +McIlheny: "Sure I was jokin', Maggie! I was goun' to tell the +gintleman that if he was lukun' for a cuke, I'd a cousin out of place +that was the best professed cuke in Bahston. And I'm glad he's got ye: +and he's a gintleman every inch, and so's his lady, I dar' say, though +I haven't the pleasure of her acquaintance--" + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains: "Cars ready for West Newton, +Auburndale, Riverside, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Train +for South Framingham. Express to West Newton. Track No. 5." + +Mrs. Roberts: "That's our train, Amy' We get off at Auburndale. +Willis, Edward, Maggie--come!" They all rush out, leaving McIlheny +alone. + +McIlheny, looking thoughtfully after them: "Sure, I wonder what +Mary'll be wantun' me to ask um next!" + + + +THE END + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT *** + +***** This file should be named 7364.txt or 7364.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/7/3/6/7364/ + +Produced by Eric Eldred + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: The Albany Depot + A Farce + +Author: W. D. Howells + +Release Date: January, 2005 [EBook #7364] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on April 21, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT *** + + + + +Produced by Eric Eldred + + + + + +THE ALBANY DEPOT + +A FARCE + +BY + +W. D. HOWELLS + +NEW YORK + +HARPER AND BROTHERS + +1892 + +Copyright, 1891, by HARPER & BROTHERS + + + +(THE ACTION PASSES IN BOSTON) + +_MR. AND MRS. EDWARD ROBERTS; THE CHOREWOMAN_ + +Mrs. Roberts, with many proofs of an afternoon's shopping in her hands +and arms, appears at the door of the ladies' room, opening from the +public hall, and studies the interior with a searching gaze, which +develops a few suburban shoppers scattered over the settees, with +their bags and packages, and two or three old ladies in the +rocking-chairs. The Chorewoman is going about with a Saturday +afternoon pail and mop, and profiting by the disoccupation of the +place in the hour between the departures of two great expresses, to +wipe up the floor. She passes near the door where Mrs. Roberts is +standing, and Mrs. Roberts appeals to her in the anxiety which her +failure to detect the object of her search has awakened: "Oh, I was +just looking for my husband. He was to meet me here at ten minutes +past three; but there don't seem to _be _any gentlemen." + +The Chorewoman: "Mem?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "I was just looking for my husband. He was to meet me +here at ten minutes past three; but there don't seem to be any +gentlemen. You haven't happened to notice--" + +The Chorewoman: "There's a gentleman over there beyant, readin', +that's just come in. He seemed to be lukun' for somebody." She applies +the mop to the floor close to Mrs. Roberts's skirts. + +Mrs. Roberts, bending to the right and to the left, and then, by +standing on tiptoe, catching sight of a hat round a pillar: "Then it's +Mr. Roberts, of course. I'll just go right over to him. Thank you ever +so much. Don't disturb yourself!" She picks her way round the area of +damp left by the mop, and approaches the hat from behind. "It _is_ +you, Edward! What a horrid idea I had! I was just going to touch your +hat from behind, for fun; but I kept myself from it in time." + +Roberts, looking up with a dazed air from the magazine in his hand: +"Why, what would have happened?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Oh, you know it mightn't have been _you_." + +Roberts: "But it _was_ I." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Yes, I know; and I was perfectly sure of it; you're +always so prompt, and I always wonder at it, such an absent-minded +creature as you are. But you came near spoiling everything by getting +here behind this pillar, and burying yourself in your book that way. +If it hadn't been for my principle of always asking questions, I never +should have found you in the world. But just as I was really beginning +to despair, the Chorewoman came by, and I asked her if she had seen +any gentleman here lately; and she said there was one now, over here, +and I stretched up and saw you. I had such a fright for a moment, not +seeing you; for I left my little plush bag with my purse in it at +Stearns's, and I've got to hurry right back; though I'm afraid they'll +be shut when I get there, Saturday afternoon, this way; but I'm going +to rattle at the front door, and perhaps they'll come--they always +stay, some of them, to put the goods away; and I can tell them I don't +want to buy anything, but I left my bag with my purse in it, and I +guess they'll let me in. I want you to keep these things for me, +Edward; and I'll leave my shopping-bag; I sha'n't want it any more. +Don't lose any of them. Better keep them all in your lap here +together, and then nobody will come and sit on them." She disburdens +herself of her packages and parcels, and arranges them on her +husband's knees, while she goes on talking. "I'm almost ready to drop, +I'm so tired, and I do believe I should let you go up to Stearns's for +me; but you couldn't describe the bag so they would recognize it, let +alone what was in it, and they wouldn't give it to you, even if they +would let you in to inquire: they're much more likely to let a lady in +than a gentleman. But I shall take a coupe, and tell the driver simply +to fly, though there's plenty of time to go to the ends of the earth +and back before our train starts. Only I should like to be here to +receive the Campbells, and keep Willis from buying tickets for Amy and +himself, and us, too, for that matter; he has that vulgar passion--I +don't know where he's picked it up--for wanting to pay everybody's +way; and you'd never think of your Hundred-Trip ticket-book till it +was too late. Do take your book out and hold it in your hand, so +you'll be sure to remember it, as soon as you see Willis. You had +better keep saying over to yourself, 'Willis--Hundred-Trip +Tickets--Willis--Hundred-Trip Tickets;' that's the way _I_ do. Where +_is_ the book? I have to remember everything! _Do_ keep your +ticket-book in your hand, Edward, till Willis comes." + +Roberts: "But I want to read, Agnes, and I've got to hold my _Pop. +Sci._ with one hand and keep your traps in my lap with the other. Did +you find a cook?" + +Mrs. Roberts, with rapturous admiration of him: "Well, Edward, you +_have_ got a brain! I declare, the cook had utterly gone out of my +mind. Forgetting that plush bag makes me forget everything. I've got +a splendid one--a perfect treasure. She won't do any of the wash, and +we'll have to put that out; and she's been used to having a +kitchen-maid; but she said we were such a small family that she could +shell the pease herself. She's the most respectable-looking old thing +you ever saw; and she's been having ten dollars a week from the last +family she was in; but she'll come the summer with us for six. I was +very fortunate to get her; all the good girls are snapped up for the +sea-side in May, and they won't go into the country for love or money. +It was the greatest chance! She's such a neat, quiet, lady-like +person, and all the better for being Irish and a Catholic: Catholics +_do_ give so much more of a flavor; and I never could associate that +Nova Scotia, sunken-cheeked leanness of Maria's with a cook. This +one's name is--well, I forget what her name is; Bridget, or Norah, or +something like that--and she's a perfect little butter-ball. She's +coming to go out on the same train with us; and she'll get the dinner +to-night; and I sha'n't have the mortification of sitting down to a +pickup meal with Amy Campbell, the first time she has visited us; +she's conceited enough about her house-keeping as it is, I'm sure, and +I wouldn't have her patronizing and pitying me for worlds. The cook +will be here at half-past three precisely; I had to pretend the train +started a little earlier than it does so as to make her punctual; they +_are_ such uncertain things! and I don't suppose I shall be back by +that time, quite, Edward, and so you must receive her. Let me see!" +She glances up at the clock on the wall. "It's just quarter-past now, +and our train goes at ten minutes to four--My goodness! I'll have to +hurry." + +The Colored Man who cries the trains, walking half-way into the room +and then out: "Cars ready for Cottage Farms, Longwood, Chestnut Hill, +Brookline, Newton Centre, Newton Highlands, Waban, Riverside, and all +stations between Riverside and Boston. Circuit Line train now ready +on Track No. 3." + +Mrs. Roberts, in extreme agitation: "Good gracious, Edward, that's our +train!" + +Roberts, jumping to his feet and dropping all her packages: "No, no, +it isn't, my dear! That's the Circuit Line train: didn't you hear? +Ours doesn't go till ten to four, on the Main Line." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Oh yes, so it does. How ridiculous! But now I _must_ +run away and leave you, or I never shall get back in time. Be sure to +speak to the cook as soon as she comes in, or she'll get discouraged +and go away again; you can't depend on them for an instant; I told her +_you_ would be here to meet her, if I wasn't--I thought I might be +late; and you mustn't let her slip. And if the Campbells happen to get +here before I'm back, don't you give them the least inkling of our +having just engaged a cook. I'm going to smuggle her into the house +without Amy's knowing it; I wouldn't have her know it for the world. +She prides herself on keeping that impudent, spoiled thing of hers, +with her two soups; and she would simply never stop crowing if she +knew I'd had to change cooks in the middle of the summer." + +Roberts, picking up and dropping the multitudinous packages, and +finally sitting down with them all in his lap, very red and heated: +"I'll be careful, my dear." + +Mrs. Roberts: "How flushed you are, bending over! You're so stout now, +you ought to bend sidewise; it's perfect folly, your trying to bend +_straight_ over; you'll get apoplexy. But now I _must_ run, or I shall +never be back in the world. Don't forget to look out for the cook!" + +Roberts, at whom she glances with misgiving as she runs out, holding +the parcels on his knees with both elbows and one hand, and contriving +with the help of his chin to get his magazine open again: "No, no; I +won't, my dear." He loses himself in his reading, while people come +and go restlessly. A gentleman finally drops into the seat beside him, +and contemplates his absorption with friendly amusement. + + + + +II + + +_ROBERTS AND WILLIS CAMPBELL_ + +Campbell: "Don't mind _me,_ Roberts." + +Roberts, looking up: "Heigh? What! Why, Willis! Glad to see you--" + +Campbell: "Now that you _do_ see me, yes, I suppose you are. What have +you got there that makes you cut all your friends?" He looks at +Roberts's open page. "Oh! _Popular Science Monthly._ Isn't Agnes a +little afraid of your turning out an agnostic? By-the-way, where _is_ +Agnes?" + +Roberts: "She left her purse at Stearns's, and she's gone back after +it. Where's Amy?" + +Campbell: "Wherever she said she wouldn't be at the moment. I expected +to find her here with you and Agnes. What time did you say your train +started?" + +Roberts. "At ten minutes to four. And, by-the-way--I'd almost +forgotten it--I must keep an eye out for the cook Agnes has been +engaging. She was to meet us here before half-past two, and I shall +have to receive her. You mustn't tell Amy; Agnes doesn't want her to +know she's been changing cooks; and I've got to be very vigilant not +to let her give us the slip, or you won't have any dinner to-night." + +Campbell: "Is that so? Well, that interests _me._ Were you expecting +to find her in the _Pop. Sci._?" + +Roberts: "Oh, I'd only been reading a minute when you came in." + +Campbell: "I don't believe you know how long you'd been reading. Very +likely your cook's come and gone." + +Roberts, with some alarm: "She couldn't. I'd only just opened the +book." + +Campbell: "I dare say you _think_ so. But you'd better cast your eagle +eye over this assemblage now, and see if she isn't here; though +probably she's gone. What sort of looking woman is she?" + +Roberts, staring at him in consternation: "Bless my soul! I don't +know! I never saw her!" + +Campbell: "Never saw her?" + +Roberts: "No; Agnes engaged her at the intelligence-office, and told +her we should meet her here, and she had to go back for her purse, and +left me to explain." + +Campbell: "Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! How did she expect you to recognize +her?" + +Roberts: "I--I don't know, I'm sure. She--she was very anxious I +shouldn't let her get away." + +Campbell, laughing: "You poor old fellow! What are you going to do?" + +Roberts: "I'm sure I've no idea. Agnes--" + +Campbell: "Agnes ought to have a keeper. You know what I've always +thought of _your_ presence of mind, Roberts; but Agnes--I'm really +surprised at Agnes. This is too good! I must tell Amy this. She'll +never get over this. Ah, ha, ha, ha!" + +Roberts: "No, no! You mustn't, Willis. Agnes would be very much +provoked with me, if you told Amy she had been engaging a cook. She +expects to smuggle her into the house without Amy's knowing." + +Campbell: "And she left you to meet her here, and keep her--a cook +you'd never set eyes on! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ah, ha, ha, ha! What's her +name?" + +Roberts: "Agnes couldn't remember her last name--one never remembers a +cook's last name. Her first name is Norah or Bridget." + +Campbell: "Maggie, perhaps; they all sound alike. Ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha, +ha! This improves." + +Roberts: "Don't, Willis; you'll attract attention. What--what shall I +do? If Agnes comes back, and finds I've let the cook get away, she'll +be terribly put out." + +Campbell: "Perfectly furious, you poor old fellow!--the rage of a +disappointed pigeon! I wouldn't be in your shoes for anything. Oh my! +I wish Amy was here. Did--did--Agnes"--(he struggles with his +laughter, and explodes from time to time between syllables)--"did she +tell you how the woman looked?" + +Roberts: "She said she was a very respectable-looking old thing--a +perfect butter-ball. I suppose she was stout." + +Campbell: "That covers the ground of a great many cooks. They're apt +to look respectable when they're off duty and they're not in liquor, +and they're apt to be perfect butter-balls. Any other distinctive +traits?" + +Roberts, ruefully: "I don't know. She's Irish, and a Catholic." + +Campbell: "They're apt to be Irish, and Catholics too. Well, Roberts, +I don't see what you can ask better. All you've got to do is to pick +out a respectable butter-ball of that religion and nationality, and +tell her you're Mrs. Roberts's husband, and you're to keep her from +slipping away till Mrs. Roberts gets here." + +Roberts: "Oh, pshaw, now, Willis! What would you do?" + +Campbell: "_There's_ a respectable butter-ball over in the corner by +the window there. You'd better go and speak to her. She's got a +gingham bundle, like a cook's, in her lap, and she keeps looking about +in a fidgety way, as if she expected somebody. I guess that's your +woman, Roberts. Better not let her give you the slip. You'll never +hear the last of it from Agnes if you do. And who'll get our dinner +to-night?" + +Roberts, looking over at the woman in the corner, with growing +conviction; "She does answer to the description." + +Campbell: "Yes, and she looks tired of waiting. If I know anything of +that woman's character, Roberts, she thinks she's been trifled with, +and she's not going to stay to be made a fool of any longer." + +Roberts, getting to his feet: "Do you think so? What makes you think +so? Would you go and speak to her?" + +Campbell: "I don't know. She seems to be looking this way. Perhaps she +thinks she recognizes _you_, as she never saw you before." + +Roberts: "There can't be any harm in asking her? She does seem to be +looking this way." + +Campbell: "Pretty blackly, too. I guess she's lost faith in you. It +wouldn't be any use to speak to her now, Roberts." + +Roberts: "I don't know. I'm afraid I'd better. I must. How would you +introduce the matter, Willis?" + +Campbell: "Oh, I wouldn't undertake to say! I must leave that entirely +to you." + +Roberts: "Do you think I'd better go at it boldly, and ask her if +she's the one; or--or--approach it more gradually?" + +Campbell: "With a few remarks about the weather, or the last novel, or +a little society gossip? Oh, decidedly." + +Roberts: "Oh, come, now, Willis! What would you advise? You must see +it's very embarrassing." + +Campbell: "Not the least embarrassing. Simplest thing in the world!" + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going as before: +"Cars for Newton, Newtonville, West Newton, Auburndale, Riverside, +Wellesley Hills, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Express to +Newton. Track No. 5." + +Campbell: "Ah, she's off! She's going to take the wrong train. She's +gathering her traps together, Roberts!" + +Roberts: "I'll go and speak to her." He makes a sudden dash for the +woman in the corner. Campbell takes up his magazine, and watches him +over the top of it, as he stops before the woman, in a confidential +attitude. In a moment she rises, and with a dumb show of offence +gathers up her belongings and marches past Roberts to the door, with +an angry glance backward at him over her shoulder. He returns +crestfallen to Campbell. + +Campbell, looking up from his magazine, in affected surprise: "Where's +your cook? You don't mean to say she was the wrong woman?" + +Roberts, gloomily: "She wasn't the right one." + +Campbell: "How do you know? What did you say to her?" + +Roberts: "I asked her if she had an appointment to meet a gentleman +here." + +Campbell: "You _did_? And what did she say?" + +Roberts: "She said 'No!' very sharply. She seemed to take it in +dudgeon; she fired up." + +Campbell: "I should think so. Sounded like an improper advertisement." + +Roberts, in great distress: _"Don't_, Willis, for Heaven's sake!" + +Campbell: "Why, you must see it had a very clandestine look. How did +you get out of it?" + +Roberts: "I didn't. I got into it further. I told her my wife had made +an appointment for me to meet a cook here that she'd engaged--" + +Campbell: "You added insult to injury. Go on!" + +Roberts: "And that she corresponded somewhat to the description; +and--and--" + +Campbell: "Well?" + +Roberts: "And she told me she was no more a cook than my wife was; and +she said she'd teach me to be playing my jokes on ladies; and she +grabbed up her things and flew out of the room." + +Campbell; "Waddled, _I_ should have said. But this is pretty serious, +Roberts. She may be a relation of John L. Sullivan's. I guess we +better get out of here; or, no, we can't! We've got to wait for Amy +and Agnes." + +Roberts: "What--what would you do?" + +Campbell: "I don't know. Look here, Roberts: would you mind sitting a +little way off, so as to look as if I didn't belong with you? I don't +want to be involved in this little row of yours unnecessarily." + +Roberts: "Oh, come now, Willis! You don't think she'll make any +trouble? I apologized. I said everything I could think of. She _must_ +think I was sincere." + +Campbell: "In taking her for a cook? I've no doubt she did. But I +don't see how that would help matters. I don't suppose she's gone for +an officer; but I suspect she's looking up the largest Irishman of her +acquaintance, to come back and interview you. I should advise you to +go out and get on some train; I'd willingly wait here for Amy and +Agnes; but you see the real cook might come here, after you went, and +I shouldn't know her from Adam--or Eve. See?" + +Roberts, desperately. "I see--Good heavens! Here comes that woman +back; and a man with her. Willis, you must help me out." Roberts gets +falteringly to his feet, and stands in helpless apprehension, while +Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny bear down upon him from the door. Mr. McIlheny, +a small and wiry Irishman, is a little more vivid for the refreshment +he has taken. He is in his best black suit, and the silk hat which he +wears at a threatening slant gives dignified impressiveness to his +figure and carriage. With some dumb-show of inquiry and assurance +between himself and his wife, he plants himself in front of Roberts, +in an attitude equally favorable for offence and defence. + + + + +III + + +_THE McILHENYS, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL_ + +McIlheny: "And are ye the mahn that's after takun' my wife for yer +cuke?" + +Mrs. McIlheny, indicating Campbell, absorbed in his magazine: "And +there's the other wan I saw jokun' wid um, and puttun' um up to it." + +McIlheny, after a swift glance at Campbell's proportions and +self-possession: "That's what ye're after thinkun', Mary; but I +haven't got annything to do with what ye're after thinkun'. All I +wannt to know is what this mahn meant by preshumin' to speak to a lady +he didn't know, and takun' her for a cuke." To Roberts: "Will ye tell +me that, ye--" + +Roberts, in extreme embarrassment: "Yes, yes, certainly; I shall be +very glad to explain, if you'll just step here to the corner. We're +attracting attention where we are--" + +McIlheny: "Attintion! Do ye suppose I care for attintion, when it's me +wife that's been insulted?" He follows Roberts up, with Mrs. McIlheny, +as he retires to the corner where she had been sitting, out of the way +of the people coming and going. Campbell, after a moment, closes his +magazine, and joins them. + +Roberts: "Insulted? By no manner of means! Nothing was further from my +thoughts. I--I--can explain it all in a moment, my dear sir, if you +will have patience; I can indeed. I have the highest respect for the +lady, and I'm quite incapable of offering her an affront. The fact +is--I hardly know how to begin--" + +McIlheny: "Go ahn, sor; or I'll have to do the beginnun' meself, +pretty soon." He shifts himself from one foot to another with a +saltatory briskness. + +Roberts: "The fact is, my wife had engaged a cook, up-town, and she +had sent her down here to meet me, and go out with me to our summer +place at Weston." + +McIlheny: "An' fwhat has all that rigamarole to do wid your speakin' +to a lady ye'd never been inthrojuced to? Fwhat had yer wife's cuke to +do with Mrs. McIlheny?" + +Roberts: "Why, I didn't know the cook by sight, you see. My wife had +engaged her up-town, and appointed her to meet me here, without +reflecting that I had never seen her, and wouldn't know who she was, +when I _did_ see her; she partly expected to be here herself, and so I +didn't reflect, either." + +McIlheny, with signs of an amicable interest: "An' she lift ye to mate +a lady ye never had seen before, and expicted ye to know her by +soight?" + +Roberts: "Precisely." + +McIlheny, smiling: "Well, that's loike a wooman, Mary; ye can't say it +ain't." + +Mrs. McIlheny, grinning: "It's loike a mahn, too, Mike, by the same +token." + +McIlheny: "Sure it's no bad joke on ye, sor." + +Campbell, interposing: "I was having my laugh at him when your good +lady here noticed us. You see, I know his wife--she's my sister--and I +could understand just how she would do such a thing, and--ah, ha, ha, +ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! I don't think I shall ever get over it." + +McIlheny: "Sure it _is_ good! Hu, hu, hu, hu! Mary, it's what ye'd +call a bull, if it was Irish, I'm thinkun'; an' it's no bad bull as it +is, my dear." + +Mrs. McIlheny, laughing: "Ye're right there, Mike. It's as fine a bull +as ever there was." + +Campbell: "And my friend here insisted on going over and speaking to +the lady, in hopes she could help him out of the difficulty. I suppose +he bungled it; he only wanted to ask her if she'd seen a cook here, +who had an appointment to go out of town with a gentleman. I'd been +joking him about it, and he thought he must do something; and I fancy +he made a mess of it. He was a good deal worked up. Ha, ha, ha! Ah, +ha, ha, ha!" Mr. and Mrs. McIlheny join in his laugh, and finally +Roberts himself. + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains, coming and going: "Cars for +Auburndale, Riverside, Pine Grove, and Newton Lower Falls. Express to +Auburndale, Track No. 7." + +Mrs. McIlheny: "There's our train. Mike! Come!" + +McIlheny: "So 'tis, Mary! Well, I'm hawpy to make yer acquaintance, +gentlemen; and if ye're ever in the City Hahl when the Council is +sittun', and ye'll send in yer names to Mike McIlheny, I'll be pl'ased +to show ye ahl the attintion in me power. Ye must excuse me _now_; +we're jist runnun' out to the Fahls to pass Sunday at a cousin's of +Mrs. McIlheny's." He snakes hands with Roberts and Campbell, and runs +out, followed by his wife. + + + + +IV + + +_ROBERTS AND CAMPBELL_ + +Campbell: "Distinguished public character. Well, we're out of that, +Roberts. I had to crowd the truth a little for you, but I fetched the +belligerent McIlheny. What are you going in for next?" + +Roberts: "I--upon my word, I haven't the least idea. I think I shall +give up trying to identify the cook. Agnes must do it herself when she +comes here." + +Campbell: "Oh no! _That_ won't do, old fellow. The cook may come here +and give you the slip before Agnes gets back." + +Roberts: "What would you do?" + +Campbell: "Well, I don't know; I don't like to advise, exactly; but it +seems to me you've got to keep trying. You've got to keep your eye out +for respectable butter-balls, and not let them slip through your +fingers." + +Roberts: "You mean, go up and speak to them? I _couldn't_ do that +again." + +Campbell: "Well, of course you didn't make a howling success with Mrs. +McIlheny; but it wasn't a dead-failure either. But you must use a +little more diplomacy--lead up to the subject gently. Don't go and ask +a woman if she's a cook, or had an appointment to meet a gentleman +here. _That_ won't do. I'll tell you! You might introduce the +business by asking if she had happened to see a lady coming in or +going out; and then describe Agnes, and say you had expected to meet +her here. And she'll say she hadn't seen her here, but such a lady had +just engaged her as a cook. And then you'll say you're the lady's +husband, and you're sure she'll be in in a moment. And there you are! +That's the way you ought to have worked it with Mrs. McIlheny. Then it +would have come out all right." + +Roberts, pessimistically: "I don't see how it would have made her the +cook." + +Campbell: "It couldn't have done that, of course; but it would have +done everything short of that. But we're well enough out of it, +anyway. It was mighty lucky I came in with my little amendment just +when I did. There's all the difference in the world between asking a +lady whether she _is_ a cook and whether she's _seen_ a cook. That +difference just saved the self-respect of the McIlhenys, and saved +your life. It gave the truth a slight twist in the right direction. +You can't be too careful about the truth, Roberts. You can't offer it +to people in the crude state; it's got to be prepared. If you'd +carried it through the way I wanted you to, the night you and old +Bemis garroted each other, you'd have come out perfectly triumphant. +What you want is not the _real_ truth, but the _ideal_ truth; not what +you _did,_ but what you _ought_ to have done. Heigh? Now, you see, +those McIlhenys have gone off with their susceptibilities in perfect +repair, simply because I substituted a _for_ for an _if,_ and made you +inquire _for_ a cook instead of _if_ she was a cook. Perhaps you did +ask for instead of ask if?" + +Roberts: "No, no. I asked her if she _was_ a cook." + +Campbell: "Well, I'm glad the McIlhenys had too much sense to believe +that. They're happy, anyway. They're enjoying the hobble that you and +Agnes are in, with lofty compassion. They--hello! here's that fellow +coming back again!" + +Roberts: "Who? Which? Where?" He starts nervously about, and confronts +Mr. McIlheny bearing down upon him with a countenance of provisional +severity. + +McIlheny: "Just wan word more wid you, sor. Mrs. McIlheny has been +thinkun' it oover, and she says you didn't ask her if she was after +_seeun_ a cuke, but whether she was after _beun'_ a cuke? Now, sor, +which wahs ut? Out wfd ut! Don't be thinkun' ye can throw dust in our +eyes because we're Irishmen!" A threatening tone prevails in Mr. +McIlheny's address at the mounting confusion and hesitation in +Roberts. "Come! are ye deef, mahn?" + +Roberts, in spite of Campbell's dumb-show inciting him to fiction: +"I--I--if you will kindly step apart here, I can explain. I was very +confused when I spoke to Mrs. McIlheny." + +McIlheny, following him and Willis into the corner: "Fwhat made ye +take my wife for a cuke? Did she luke anny more like a cuke than yer +own wife? Her family is the best in County Mayo. Her father kept six +cows, and she never put her hands in wather. And ye come up to her in +a public place like this, where ye're afraid to spake aboove yer own +breath, and ask her if she's after beun' the cuke yer wife's engaged. +Fwhat do ye mane by ut?" + +Roberts: "My dear sir, I know--I can understand how it seems +offensive; but I can assure you that I had no intention--no--no--" he +falters, with an imploring glance at Campbell, who takes the word. + +Campbell: "Look here, Mr. McIlheny, you can appreciate the feelings of +a gentleman situated as my friend was here. He had to meet a lady whom +he had never seen before, and didn't know by sight; and we +decided--Mrs. McIlheny was so pleasant and kindly looking--that he +should go and ask her if she had seen a lady of the description he was +looking for, and--" + +McIlheny: "Yessor! I can appreciate ahl _that._ But fwhy did he ask +her if _she_ was the lady? Fwhy did he ask her if she was a cuke? +That's what I wannt to know!" + +Campbell: "Well, now, I'm sure you can understand that. He was +naturally a good deal embarrassed at having to address a strange lady; +his mind was full of his wife's cook, and instead of asking her if +she'd _seen_ a cook, he bungled and he blundered, and asked her--I +suppose--if she _was_ a cook. Can't you see that? how it would +happen?" + +McIlheny, with conviction: "Yessor, I can. And I'll feel it an hannor +if you gintlemen will join me in a glass of wine on the carner, across +the way--" + +Campbell: "But your train?" + +McIlheny: "Oh, domn the thrain! But I'll just stip aboord and tell +Mrs. McIlheny I've met a frind, an' I'll be out by the next thrain, +an' I'll be back wid you in a jiffy." He runs out, and Campbell turns +to Roberts. + +Roberts: "Good heavens, Willis! what are we going to do? Surely, we +can't go out and drink with this man?" + +Campbell: "I'm afraid we sha'n't have the pleasure. I'm afraid Mrs. +McIlheny is of a suspicious nature; and when Mr. Mac comes back, it'll +be to offer renewed hostility instead of renewed hospitality. I don't +see anything for us but flight, Roberts. Or, _you_ can't fly, you poor +old fellow! You've got to stay and look out for that cook. I'd be glad +to stay for you, but, you see, I should not know her." + +Roberts: "I don't know her either, Willis. I was just thinking whether +you couldn't manage this wretched man rather better alone. I--I'm +afraid I confuse you; and he gets things out of me--admissions, you +know--" + +Campbell: "No, no! Your moral support is everything. That lie of mine +is getting whittled away to nothing; we shall soon be down to the bare +truth. If it hadn't been for these last admissions of yours, I don't +know what I should have done. They were a perfect inspiration. I'll +tell you what, Roberts! I believe you can manage this business twice +as well without me. But you must keep your eye out for the cook! You +mustn't let any respectable butter-ball leave the room without asking +her if she's the one. You'll know how to put it more delicately now. +And I won't complicate you with McIlheny any more. I'll just step out +here--" + +Roberts: "No, no, no! You mustn't go, Willis. You mustn't indeed! I +shouldn't know what to do with that tipsy nuisance. Ah, here he comes +again!" + +Campbell, cheerily, to the approaching McIlheny: "I hope you didn't +lose your train, Mr. McIlheny!" + +McIlheny, darkly: "Never moind my thrain, sor! My wife says it was a +put-up jahb between ye. She says ye were afther laughun', and lukun' +and winkun' at her before this mahn slipped up to spake to her. Now +what do ye make of that?" + +Campbell: "We were laughing, of course. I had been laughing at my +friend's predicament, in being left to meet a lady he'd never seen +before. You laughed at it yourself." + +McIlheny: "I did, sor." + +Roberts, basely truckling to him: "It was certainly a ludicrous +position." + +Campbell: "And when we explained it, it amused your good lady too. She +laughed as much as yourself--" + +McIlheny: "She did, sor. Ye're right. Sure it would make a cow laugh. +Well, gintlemen, ye must excuse me. Mrs. McIlheny says I mustn't stop +for the next thrain, and I'll have to ask you to join me in that glass +of wine some other toime." + +Campbell: "Oh, it's all right, Mr. McIlheny. You've only got about +half a minute." He glances at the clock, and McIlheny runs out, +profusely waving his hand in adieu. + +Roberts, taking out his handkerchief and wiping his forehead: "Well, +thank Heaven! we're rid of him at last." + +Campbell: "I'm not so sure of that. He'll probably miss the train. You +may be sure Mrs. McIlheny is waiting for him outside of it, and then +we shall have them both on our hands indefinitely. We shall have to +explain and explain. Fiction has entirely failed us, and I feel that +the truth is giving way under our feet. I'll tell you what, Roberts!" + +Roberts, in despair: "What?" + +Campbell: "Why, if McIlheny should happen to come back alone, we +mustn't wait for him to renew his invitation to drink; we must take +him out ourselves, and get him drunk; so drunk he can't remember +anything; stone drunk; dead drunk. Or, that is, _you_ must. I haven't +got anything to do with him. I wash my hands of the whole affair." + +Roberts: "You mustn't, Willis! You know I can't manage without you. +And you know I can't take the man out and get him drunk. I couldn't. I +shouldn't feel that it was right." + +Campbell: "Yes, I know. You'd have to drink with him; and you've got +no head at all. You'd probably get drunk first, and I don't know what +I should say to Agnes." + +Roberts: "That isn't the point, Willis. I couldn't ask the man to +drink; I should consider it immoral. Besides, what should you do if +the cook came while I was away? You wouldn't know her." + +Campbell: "Well, neither would you, if you stayed." + +Roberts: "That's true. There doesn't seem to be any end of it, or any +way out of it. I must just stay and bear it." + +Campbell: "Of _course_ you must stay. And when McIlheny comes back, +you'd better ask him out to look upon the wine when it is red." + +Roberts: "No; that's impossible, quite. I shouldn't mind the +association--though it isn't very pleasant; but to offer drink to a +man already--Do you suppose it would do to ask him out for a glass of +soda? Plain soda would be good for him. Or I could order claret in +it, if the worst came to the worst." + +Campbell: "Claret! What Mr. McIlheny requires is forty-rod whiskey in +a solution of sulphuric acid. You must take that, or fourth-proof +brandy straight, with him." + +Roberts, miserably: "I couldn't; you know I couldn't." + +Campbell: "What are you going to do, then?" + +Roberts: "I don't know; I don't know. I--I'll give him in charge to a +policeman." + +Campbell: "And make a scandal here?" + +Roberts: "Of course it can't be done!" + +Campbell: "Of _course_ it can't. Give a councilman in charge? The +policeman will be Irish too, and then what'll you do? You're more +likely to be carried off yourself, when the facts are explained. +They'll have an ugly look in the police report." + +Roberts: "Oh, it can't be done! Nothing can be done! I wish Agnes +would come!" + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains: "Cars ready for South +Framingham, Whitneys, East Holliston, Holliston, Metcalf's, +Braggville, and Milford. Express to Framingham. Milford Branch. Track +No. 3." + + + + +V + + +_MRS. ROBERTS, MRS. CAMPBELL, ROBERTS, AND CAMPBELL; THEN THE COOK AND +McILHENY_ + +Mrs. Roberts, rushing in and looking about in a flutter, till she +discovers her husband: "Good gracious, Edward! Is that our train? I +ran all the way from the station door as fast as I could run, and I'm +perfectly out of breath. Did you ever hear of anything like my meeting +Amy on the very instant? She was getting out of her coupe just as I +was getting out of mine, and I saw her the first thing as soon as I +looked up. It was the most wonderful chance. And the moment we pushed +our way through the door and got inside the outer hall, I heard the +man calling the train--he calls so distinctly--and I told her I was +sure it was our train; and then we just simply flew, both of us. I had +the greatest time getting my plush bag. They were all locked up at +Stearns's as tight as a drum, but I saw somebody inside, moving about, +and I rattled the door, and made signs till he came; and then I said I +had left my plush bag; and he said it was against the rules, and I'd +have to come Monday; and I told him I knew it was, and I didn't expect +him to transgress the rules, but I wished very much to have my plush +bag, because there were some things in it that I wished to have, as +well as my purse; for I'd brought away my keys in it; and I knew +Willis--how d'ye do, Willis?--would want wine with his dinner, and +you'd have to break the closet open if I didn't get the key; and so he +said he would see if the person who kept the picked-up things was +there yet; and it turned out he was, and he asked me for a description +of the bag and its contents; and I described them all, down to the +very last thing; and he said I had the greatest memory he ever saw. +And now I think everything is going off perfectly, and I shall be able +to show Amy that there's something inland as well as at the seaside. +Why don't you speak to her, Edward? What is the matter? What are you +looking at?" She detects him in the act of craning his neck to this +side and that, and peering over people's heads and shoulders in the +direction of the door. "Hasn't Norah--Bridget, I mean--come yet?" She +frowns significantly, and cautions him concerning Mrs. Campbell by +pressing her finger to her lip. + +Roberts: "Yes--yes, she's here; I suppose she's--she's here. How do +you do, Amy? So glad--" He continues his furtive inspection of the +door-way, and Willis turns away with a snicker. + +Mrs. Campbell: "Willis, what are you laughing at? Is there anything +wrong with my bonnet? Agnes, _is_ there? He would let me go about +looking like a perfect auk. Did I bang it getting out of the coupe. Do +tell me, Willis!" + +Mrs. Roberts, to her husband: "You don't mean to say you haven't +_seen_ her yet?" + +Roberts, desperately: "Seen her? How should I know whether I've seen +her? I never saw her in my life." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Then what are you looking for, in that way?" + +Roberts: "I--I'm looking for her husband." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Her husband?" + +Roberts: "Yes. He keeps coming back." Campbell bursts into a wild +shriek of laughter. + +Mrs. Roberts, imploringly: "Willis, what _does_ it mean?" + +Mrs. Campbell, threateningly: "Willis, if you don't behave yourself--" + +Mrs. Roberts, with the calm of despair: "Well, then, she isn't coming! +She's given us the slip! I might have known it! Well, the cat might as +well come out of the bag first as last, Amy, though I was trying to +keep it in, to spare your feelings; I knew you'd be so full of +sympathy." Suddenly to her husband: "But if you saw her husband--Did +he say she sent him? I didn't dream of her being married. How do you +know it's her husband?" + +Roberts: "Because--because she went out and got him! Don't I tell +you?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Went out and got him?" + +Roberts: "When I spoke to her." + +Mrs. Roberts: "When you spoke to her? But you said you didn't see +her!" + +Roberts: "Of _course_ I didn't see her. How should I see her, when I +never saw her before? I went up and spoke to her, and she said she +wasn't the one. She was very angry, and she went out and got her +husband. He was tipsy, and he's been coming back ever since. I don't +know what to do about the wretched creature. He says I've insulted his +abominable wife!" + +Campbell, laughing: "O Lord! Lord! This will be the death of me!" + +Mrs. Campbell: "This is one of your tricks, Willis; one of your vile +practical jokes." + +Campbell: "No, no, my dear! I couldn't invent anything equal to _this_. +Oh my! oh my!" + +Mrs. Campbell, seizing him by the arm: "Well, if you don't tell, +instantly, what it is--" + +Campbell: "But I _can't_ tell. I promised Roberts I wouldn't." + +Roberts, wildly: "Oh, tell, tell!" + +Campbell: "About the cook, too, Agnes?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Yes, yes; everything! Only tell!" + +Campbell, struggling to recover himself: "Why, you see, Agnes engaged +a cook, up-town--" + +Mrs. Roberts: "I didn't want you to know it, Amy. I thought you would +be troubled if you knew you were coming to visit me just when I was +trying to break in a new cook, and so I told Edward not to let Willis +know. Go on, Willis." + +Mrs. Campbell: "And I understand just how you felt about it, Agnes; +you knew he'd laugh. Go on, Willis." + +Campbell: "And she sent her down here, and told Roberts to keep her +till she came herself." + +Both Ladies: "Well?" + +Campbell: "And I found poor old Roberts here, looking out for a cook +that he'd never seen before, and expecting to recognize a woman that +he'd never met in his life." He explodes in another fit of laughter. +The ladies stare at him in mystification. + +Mrs. Roberts: "I would have stayed myself to meet her, but I'd left my +plush bag with my purse in it at Stearns's, and I had to go back after +it." + +Mrs. Campbell: "She _had_ to leave him. What is there to laugh at?" + +Mrs. Roberts: "I see nothing to laugh at, Willis." + +Campbell, sobered: "You _don't_?" + +Both Ladies: "No." + +Campbell: "Well, by Jove! Then perhaps you don't see anything to laugh +at in Roberts's having to guess who the cook was; and going up to the +wrong woman, and her getting mad, and going out and bringing back her +little fiery-red tipsy Irishman of a husband, that wanted to fight +Roberts; and my having to lie out of it for him; and their going off +again, and the husband coming back four or five times between drinks, +and having to be smoothed up each time--" + +Both Ladies: "No!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "It was simply horrid." + +Mrs. Campbell: "It wasn't funny at all; it was simply disgusting. Poor +Mr. Roberts!" + +Campbell: "Well, by the holy poker! This knocks me out! The next time +I'll marry a man, and have somebody around that can appreciate a joke. +The Irishman said himself it would make a cow laugh." + +Mrs. Campbell: "I congratulate you on being of the same taste, Willis. +And I dare say you tried to heighten the absurdity, and add to poor +Mr. Roberts's perplexity." + +Roberts: "No, no! I assure you, Amy, if it hadn't been for Willis, I +shouldn't have known how to manage. I was quite at my wits' end." + +Mrs. Campbell: "You are very generous, I'm sure, Mr. Roberts; and I +suppose I shall have to believe _you_." + +Roberts: "But I couldn't act upon the suggestion to take the man out +and treat him; Willis was convinced himself, I think, that that +wouldn't do. But I confess I was tempted." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Treat him?" + +Roberts: "Yes. He was rather tipsy already; and Willis thought he +would be more peaceable perhaps if we could get him quite drunk; but I +really couldn't bring my mind to it, though I was so distracted that I +was on the point of yielding." + +Both Ladies: "Willis!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "You wanted poor Edward to go out and drink with that +wretched being, so as to get him into a still worse state?" + +Mrs. Campbell: "You suggested that poor Mr. Roberts should do such a +thing as that? Well, Willis!" + +Mrs. Roberts: "Well, Willis!" She turns from him more in sorrow than +in anger, and confronts a cook-like person of comfortable bulk, with a +bundle in her hand, and every mark of hurry and exhaustion in her +countenance. "Why, here's Bridget now!" + +The Cook: "Maggie, mem! I was afraid I was after missun' you, after +all. I couldn't see the gentleman anywhere, and I've been runnun' up +and down the depot askun' fur um; and at last, thinks I, I'll try the +ladies' room; and sure enough here ye was yourself. It was lucky I +thought of it." + +Mrs. Roberts: "Oh! I forgot to tell you he'd be in the ladies' room. +But it's all right now, Maggie; and we've just got time to catch our +train." + +Campbell, bitterly: "Well, Agnes, for a woman that's set so many +people by the ears, you let yourself up pretty easily. By Jove! here +comes that fellow back again!" They all mechanically shrink aside, and +leave Roberts exposed to the approach of McIlheny. + +McIlheny: "Now, sor, me thrain's gahn, and we can talk this little +matter oover at our aise. What did ye mane, sor, by comin' up to the +Hannorable Mrs. Michael McIlheny and askun' her if she was a cuke? Did +she luke like a person that'd demane herself to a manial position +like that? Her that never put her hands in wather, and had hilpers to +milk her father's cows? What did ye mane, sor? Did she luke like a +lady, or did she luke like a cuke? Tell me that!" + +The Cook, bursting upon him from behind Roberts, who eagerly gives +place to her: "_I'll_ tell ye that meself, ye impidint felly! What's +to kape a cuke from lukun' like a lady, or a lady from lukun' like a +cuke? Ah, Mike McIlheny, ye drunken blaggurd, is it _me_ ye're tellin' +that Mary Molloy never put her hands in wather, and kept hilpers to +milk her father's cows! Cows indade! It was wan pig under the bed; and +more shame to them that's ashamed to call it a pig, if ye _are_ my +cousin! _I'm_ the lady the gentleman was lukin' for, and if ye think +I'm not as good as Mary Molloy the best day she ever stipped, I'll +thank ye to tell me who is. Be off wid ye, or I'll say something ye'll +not like to hear!" + +McIlheny: "Sure I was jokin', Maggie! I was goun' to tell the +gintleman that if he was lukun' for a cuke, I'd a cousin out of place +that was the best professed cuke in Bahston. And I'm glad he's got ye: +and he's a gintleman every inch, and so's his lady, I dar' say, though +I haven't the pleasure of her acquaintance--" + +The Colored Man who calls the Trains: "Cars ready for West Newton, +Auburndale, Riverside, Wellesley, Natick, and South Framingham. Train +for South Framingham. Express to West Newton. Track No. 5." + +Mrs. Roberts: "That's our train, Amy' We get off at Auburndale. +Willis, Edward, Maggie--come!" They all rush out, leaving McIlheny +alone. + +McIlheny, looking thoughtfully after them: "Sure, I wonder what +Mary'll be wantun' me to ask um next!" + + + +THE END + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Albany Depot, by W. D. Howells + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ALBANY DEPOT *** + +This file should be named lbdpt10.txt or lbdpt10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, lbdpt11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, lbdpt10a.txt + +Produced by Eric Eldred + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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