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diff --git a/693-h/693-h.htm b/693-h/693-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..525d125 --- /dev/null +++ b/693-h/693-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3709 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Autobiography of a Quack, by S. Weir Mitchell + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case +Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Autobiography of a Quack And The Case Of George Dedlow + +Author: S. Weir Mitchell + +Release Date: January 21, 2006 [EBook #693] +Last Updated: November 15, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK <br /><br /> AND <br /><br /> THE CASE OF GEORGE + DEDLOW + </h1> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By S. Weir Mitchell, M.D., LL.D. Harvard And Edinburgh + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary="" style="margin-right: auto; margin-left: auto"> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_INTR"> INTRODUCTION </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_INTR" id="link2H_INTR"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + INTRODUCTION + </h2> + <p> + Both of the tales in this little volume appeared originally in the + “Atlantic Monthly” as anonymous contributions. I owe to the present owners + of that journal permission to use them. “The Autobiography of a Quack” has + been recast with large additions. + </p> + <p> + “The Case of George Dedlow” was not written with any intention that it + should appear in print. I lent the manuscript to the Rev. Dr. Furness and + forgot it. This gentleman sent it to the Rev. Edward Everett Hale. He, + presuming, I fancy, that every one desired to appear in the “Atlantic,” + offered it to that journal. To my surprise, soon afterwards I received a + proof and a check. The story was inserted as a leading article without my + name. It was at once accepted by many as the description of a real case. + Money was collected in several places to assist the unfortunate man, and + benevolent persons went to the “Stump Hospital,” in Philadelphia, to see + the sufferer and to offer him aid. The spiritual incident at the end of + the story was received with joy by the spiritualists as a valuable proof + of the truth of their beliefs. + </p> + <p> + S. WEIR MITCHELL <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK + </h2> + <p> + At this present moment of time I am what the doctors call an interesting + case, and am to be found in bed No. 10, Ward 11, Massachusetts General + Hospital. I am told that I have what is called Addison’s disease, and that + it is this pleasing malady which causes me to be covered with large + blotches of a dark mulatto tint. However, it is a rather grim subject to + joke about, because, if I believed the doctor who comes around every day, + and thumps me, and listens to my chest with as much pleasure as if I were + music all through—I say, if I really believed him, I should suppose + I was going to die. The fact is, I don’t believe him at all. Some of these + days I shall take a turn and get about again; but meanwhile it is rather + dull for a stirring, active person like me to have to lie still and watch + myself getting big brown and yellow spots all over me, like a map that has + taken to growing. + </p> + <p> + The man on my right has consumption—smells of cod-liver oil, and + coughs all night. The man on my left is a down-easter with a liver which + has struck work; looks like a human pumpkin; and how he contrives to + whittle jackstraws all day, and eat as he does, I can’t understand. I have + tried reading and tried whittling, but they don’t either of them satisfy + me, so that yesterday I concluded to ask the doctor if he couldn’t suggest + some other amusement. + </p> + <p> + I waited until he had gone through the ward, and then seized my chance, + and asked him to stop a moment. + </p> + <p> + “Well, my man,” said he, “what do you want!” + </p> + <p> + I thought him rather disrespectful, but I replied, “Something to do, + doctor.” + </p> + <p> + He thought a little, and then said: “I’ll tell you what to do. I think if + you were to write out a plain account of your life it would be pretty well + worth reading. If half of what you told me last week be true, you must be + about as clever a scamp as there is to be met with. I suppose you would + just as lief put it on paper as talk it.” + </p> + <p> + “Pretty nearly,” said I. “I think I will try it, doctor.” + </p> + <p> + After he left I lay awhile thinking over the matter. I knew well that I + was what the world calls a scamp, and I knew also that I had got little + good out of the fact. If a man is what people call virtuous, and fails in + life, he gets credit at least for the virtue; but when a man is a—is—well, + one of liberal views, and breaks down, somehow or other people don’t + credit him with even the intelligence he has put into the business. This I + call hard. If I did not recall with satisfaction the energy and skill with + which I did my work, I should be nothing but disgusted at the melancholy + spectacle of my failure. I suppose that I shall at least find occupation + in reviewing all this, and I think, therefore, for my own satisfaction, I + shall try to amuse my convalescence by writing a plain, straightforward + account of the life I have led, and the various devices by which I have + sought to get my share of the money of my countrymen. It does appear to me + that I have had no end of bad luck. + </p> + <p> + As no one will ever see these pages, I find it pleasant to recall for my + own satisfaction the fact that I am really a very remarkable man. I am, or + rather I was, very good-looking, five feet eleven, with a lot of curly red + hair, and blue eyes. I am left-handed, which is another unusual thing. My + hands have often been noticed. I get them from my mother, who was a + Fishbourne, and a lady. As for my father, he was rather common. He was a + little man, red and round like an apple, but very strong, for a reason I + shall come to presently. The family must have had a pious liking for Bible + names, because he was called Zebulon, my sister Peninnah, and I Ezra, + which is not a name for a gentleman. At one time I thought of changing it, + but I got over it by signing myself “E. Sanderaft.” + </p> + <p> + Where my father was born I do not know, except that it was somewhere in + New Jersey, for I remember that he was once angry because a man called him + a Jersey Spaniard. I am not much concerned to write about my people, + because I soon got above their level; and as to my mother, she died when I + was an infant. I get my manners, which are rather remarkable, from her. + </p> + <p> + My aunt, Rachel Sanderaft, who kept house for us, was a queer character. + She had a snug little property, about seven thousand dollars. An old aunt + left her the money because she was stone-deaf. As this defect came upon + her after she grew up, she still kept her voice. This woman was the cause + of some of my ill luck in life, and I hope she is uncomfortable, wherever + she is. I think with satisfaction that I helped to make her life uneasy + when I was young, and worse later on. She gave away to the idle poor some + of her small income, and hid the rest, like a magpie, in her Bible or + rolled in her stockings, or in even queerer places. The worst of her was + that she could tell what people said by looking at their lips; this I + hated. But as I grew and became intelligent, her ways of hiding her money + proved useful, to me at least. As to Peninnah, she was nothing special + until she suddenly bloomed out into a rather stout, pretty girl, took to + ribbons, and liked what she called “keeping company.” She ran errands for + every one, waited on my aunt, and thought I was a wonderful person—as + indeed I was. I never could understand her fondness for helping everybody. + A fellow has got himself to think about, and that is quite enough. I was + told pretty often that I was the most selfish boy alive. But, then, I am + an unusual person, and there are several names for things. + </p> + <p> + My father kept a small shop for the sale of legal stationery and the like, + on Fifth street north of Chestnut. But his chief interest in life lay in + the bell-ringing of Christ Church. He was leader, or No. 1, and the whole + business was in the hands of a kind of guild which is nearly as old as the + church. I used to hear more of it than I liked, because my father talked + of nothing else. But I do not mean to bore myself writing of bells. I + heard too much about “back shake,” “raising in peal,” “scales,” and + “touches,” and the Lord knows what. + </p> + <p> + My earliest remembrance is of sitting on my father’s shoulder when he led + off the ringers. He was very strong, as I said, by reason of this + exercise. With one foot caught in a loop of leather nailed to the floor, + he would begin to pull No. 1, and by and by the whole peal would be + swinging, and he going up and down, to my joy; I used to feel as if it was + I that was making the great noise that rang out all over the town. My + familiar acquaintance with the old church and its lumber-rooms, where were + stored the dusty arms of William and Mary and George II., proved of use in + my later days. + </p> + <p> + My father had a strong belief in my talents, and I do not think he was + mistaken. As he was quite uneducated, he determined that I should not be. + He had saved enough to send me to Princeton College, and when I was about + fifteen I was set free from the public schools. I never liked them. The + last I was at was the high school. As I had to come down-town to get home, + we used to meet on Arch street the boys from the grammar-school of the + university, and there were fights every week. In winter these were most + frequent, because of the snow-balling. A fellow had to take his share or + be marked as a deserter. I never saw any personal good to be had out of a + fight, but it was better to fight than to be cobbed. That means that two + fellows hold you, and the other fellows kick you with their bent knees. It + hurts. + </p> + <p> + I find just here that I am describing a thing as if I were writing for + some other people to see. I may as well go on that way. After all, a man + never can quite stand off and look at himself as if he was the only person + concerned. He must have an audience, or make believe to have one, even if + it is only himself. Nor, on the whole, should I be unwilling, if it were + safe, to let people see how great ability may be defeated by the + crankiness of fortune. + </p> + <p> + I may add here that a stone inside of a snowball discourages the fellow it + hits. But neither our fellows nor the grammar-school used stones in + snowballs. I rather liked it. If we had a row in the springtime we all + threw stones, and here was one of those bits of stupid custom no man can + understand; because really a stone outside of a snowball is much more + serious than if it is mercifully padded with snow. I felt it to be a rise + in life when I got out of the society of the common boys who attended the + high school. + </p> + <p> + When I was there a man by the name of Dallas Bache was the head master. He + had a way of letting the boys attend to what he called the character of + the school. Once I had to lie to him about taking another boy’s ball. He + told my class that I had denied the charge, and that he always took it for + granted that a boy spoke the truth. He knew well enough what would happen. + It did. After that I was careful. + </p> + <p> + Princeton was then a little college, not expensive, which was very well, + as my father had some difficulty to provide even the moderate amount + needed. + </p> + <p> + I soon found that if I was to associate with the upper set of young men I + needed money. For some time I waited in vain. But in my second year I + discovered a small gold-mine, on which I drew with a moderation which + shows even thus early the strength of my character. + </p> + <p> + I used to go home once a month for a Sunday visit, and on these occasions + I was often able to remove from my aunt’s big Bible a five- or ten-dollar + note, which otherwise would have been long useless. + </p> + <p> + Now and then I utilized my opportunities at Princeton. I very much desired + certain things like well-made clothes, and for these I had to run in debt + to a tailor. When he wanted pay, and threatened to send the bill to my + father, I borrowed from two or three young Southerners; but at last, when + they became hard up, my aunt’s uncounted hoard proved a last resource, or + some rare chance in a neighboring room helped me out. I never did look on + this method as of permanent usefulness, and it was only the temporary + folly of youth. + </p> + <p> + Whatever else the pirate necessity appropriated, I took no large amount of + education, although I was fond of reading, and especially of novels, which + are, I think, very instructive to the young, especially the novels of + Smollett and Fielding. + </p> + <p> + There is, however, little need to dwell on this part of my life. College + students in those days were only boys, and boys are very strange animals. + They have instincts. They somehow get to know if a fellow does not relate + facts as they took place. I like to put it that way, because, after all, + the mode of putting things is only one of the forms of self-defense, and + is less silly than the ordinary wriggling methods which boys employ, and + which are generally useless. I was rather given to telling large stories + just for the fun of it and, I think, told them well. But somehow I got the + reputation of not being strictly definite, and when it was meant to + indicate this belief they had an ill-mannered way of informing you. This + consisted in two or three fellows standing up and shuffling noisily with + their feet on the floor. When first I heard this I asked innocently what + it meant, and was told it was the noise of the bearers’ feet coming to + take away Ananias. This was considered a fine joke. + </p> + <p> + During my junior year I became unpopular, and as I was very cautious, I + cannot see why. At last, being hard up, I got to be foolishly reckless. + But why dwell on the failures of immaturity? + </p> + <p> + The causes which led to my leaving Nassau Hall were not, after all, the + mischievous outbreaks in which college lads indulge. Indeed, I have never + been guilty of any of those pieces of wanton wickedness which injure the + feelings of others while they lead to no useful result. When I left to + return home, I set myself seriously to reflect upon the necessity of + greater care in following out my inclinations, and from that time forward + I have steadily avoided, whenever it was possible, the vulgar vice of + directly possessing myself of objects to which I could show no legal + title. My father was indignant at the results of my college career; and, + according to my aunt, his shame and sorrow had some effect in shortening + his life. My sister believed my account of the matter. It ended in my + being used for a year as an assistant in the shop, and in being taught to + ring bells—a fine exercise, but not proper work for a man of + refinement. My father died while training his bell-ringers in the Oxford + triple bob—broke a blood-vessel somewhere. How I could have caused + that I do not see. + </p> + <p> + I was now about nineteen years old, and, as I remember, a middle-sized, + well-built young fellow, with large eyes, a slight mustache, and, I have + been told, with very good manners and a somewhat humorous turn. Besides + these advantages, my guardian held in trust for me about two thousand + dollars. After some consultation between us, it was resolved that I should + study medicine. This conclusion was reached nine years before the + Rebellion broke out, and after we had settled, for the sake of economy, in + Woodbury, New Jersey. From this time I saw very little of my deaf aunt or + of Peninnah. I was resolute to rise in the world, and not to be weighted + by relatives who were without my tastes and my manners. + </p> + <p> + I set out for Philadelphia, with many good counsels from my aunt and + guardian. I look back upon this period as a turning-point of my life. I + had seen enough of the world already to know that if you can succeed + without exciting suspicion, it is by far the pleasantest way; and I really + believe that if I had not been endowed with so fatal a liking for all the + good things of life I might have lived along as reputably as most men. + This, however, is, and always has been, my difficulty, and I suppose that + I am not responsible for the incidents to which it gave rise. Most men + have some ties in life, but I have said I had none which held me. Peninnah + cried a good deal when we parted, and this, I think, as I was still young, + had a very good effect in strengthening my resolution to do nothing which + could get me into trouble. The janitor of the college to which I went + directed me to a boarding-house, where I engaged a small third-story room, + which I afterwards shared with Mr. Chaucer of Georgia. He pronounced it, + as I remember, “Jawjah.” + </p> + <p> + In this very remarkable abode I spent the next two winters, and finally + graduated, along with two hundred more, at the close of my two years of + study. I should previously have been one year in a physician’s office as a + student, but this regulation was very easily evaded. As to my studies, the + less said the better. I attended the quizzes, as they call them, pretty + closely, and, being of a quick and retentive memory, was thus enabled to + dispense with some of the six or seven lectures a day which duller men + found it necessary to follow. + </p> + <p> + Dissecting struck me as a rather nasty business for a gentleman, and on + this account I did just as little as was absolutely essential. In fact, if + a man took his tickets and paid the dissection fees, nobody troubled + himself as to whether or not he did any more than this. A like evil + existed at the graduation: whether you squeezed through or passed with + credit was a thing which was not made public, so that I had absolutely + nothing to stimulate my ambition. I am told that it is all very different + to-day. + </p> + <p> + The astonishment with which I learned of my success was shared by the + numerous Southern gentlemen who darkened the floors and perfumed with + tobacco the rooms of our boarding-house. In my companions, during the time + of my studies so called, as in other matters of life, I was somewhat + unfortunate. All of them were Southern gentlemen, with more money than I + had. Many of them carried great sticks, usually sword-canes, and some + bowie-knives or pistols; also, they delighted in swallow-tailed coats, + long hair, broad-brimmed felt hats, and very tight boots. I often think of + these gentlemen with affectionate interest, and wonder how many are lying + under the wheat-fields of Virginia. One could see them any day sauntering + along with their arms over their companions’ shoulders, splendidly + indifferent to the ways of the people about them. They hated the “Nawth” + and cursed the Yankees, and honestly believed that the leanest of them was + a match for any half a dozen of the bulkiest of Northerners. I must also + do them the justice to say that they were quite as ready to fight as to + brag, which, by the way, is no meager statement. With these gentry—for + whom I retain a respect which filled me with regret at the recent course + of events—I spent a good deal of my large leisure. The more studious + of both sections called us a hard crowd. What we did, or how we did it, + little concerns me here, except that, owing to my esteem for chivalric + blood and breeding, I was led into many practices and excesses which cost + my guardian and myself a good deal of money. At the close of my career as + a student I found myself aged twenty-one years, and the owner of some + seven hundred dollars—the rest of my small estate having disappeared + variously within the last two years. After my friends had gone to their + homes in the South I began to look about me for an office, and finally + settled upon very good rooms in one of the down-town localities of the + Quaker City. I am not specific as to the number and street, for reasons + which may hereafter appear. I liked the situation on various accounts. It + had been occupied by a doctor; the terms were reasonable; and it lay on + the skirts of a good neighborhood, while below it lived a motley + population, among which I expected to get my first patients and such fees + as were to be had. Into this new home I moved my medical text-books, a few + bones, and myself. Also, I displayed in the window a fresh sign, upon + which was distinctly to be read: + </p> + <p> + DR. E. SANDERAFT. Office hours, 8 to 9 A.M., 7 to 9 P.M. + </p> + <p> + I felt now that I had done my fair share toward attaining a virtuous + subsistence, and so I waited tranquilly, and without undue enthusiasm, to + see the rest of the world do its part in the matter. Meanwhile I read up + on all sorts of imaginable cases, stayed at home all through my office + hours, and at intervals explored the strange section of the town which lay + to the south of my office. I do not suppose there is anything like it else + where. It was then filled with grog-shops, brothels, slop-shops, and low + lodging-houses. You could dine for a penny on soup made from the refuse + meats of the rich, gathered at back gates by a horde of half-naked + children, who all told varieties of one woeful tale. Here, too, you could + be drunk for five cents, and be lodged for three, with men, women, and + children of all colors lying about you. It was this hideous mixture of + black and white and yellow wretchedness which made the place so peculiar. + The blacks predominated, and had mostly that swollen, reddish, dark skin, + the sign in this race of habitual drunkenness. Of course only the lowest + whites were here—rag-pickers, pawnbrokers, old-clothes men, thieves, + and the like. All of this, as it came before me, I viewed with mingled + disgust and philosophy. I hated filth, but I understood that society has + to stand on somebody, and I was only glad that I was not one of the + undermost and worst-squeezed bricks. + </p> + <p> + I can hardly believe that I waited a month without having been called upon + by a single patient. At last a policeman on our beat brought me a fancy + man with a dog-bite. This patient recommended me to his brother, the + keeper of a small pawnbroking-shop, and by very slow degrees I began to + get stray patients who were too poor to indulge in up-town doctors. I + found the police very useful acquaintances; and, by a drink or a cigar now + and then, I got most of the cases of cut heads and the like at the next + station-house. These, however, were the aristocrats of my practice; the + bulk of my patients were soap-fat men, rag-pickers, oystermen, hose-house + bummers, and worse, with other and nameless trades, men and women, white, + black, or mulatto. How they got the levies, fips, and quarters with which + I was reluctantly paid, I do not know; that, indeed, was none of my + business. They expected to pay, and they came to me in preference to the + dispensary doctor, two or three squares away, who seemed to me to spend + most of his days in the lanes and alleys about us. Of course he received + no pay except experience, since the dispensaries in the Quaker City, as a + rule, do not give salaries to their doctors; and the vilest of the poor + prefer a “pay doctor” to one of these disinterested gentlemen, who cannot + be expected to give their best brains for nothing, when at everybody’s + beck and call. I am told, indeed I know, that most young doctors do a + large amount of poor practice, as it is called; but, for my own part, I + think it better for both parties when the doctor insists upon some + compensation being made to him. This has been usually my own custom, and I + have not found reason to regret it. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding my strict attention to my own interests, I have been + rather sorely dealt with by fate upon several occasions, where, so far as + I could see, I was vigilantly doing everything in my power to keep myself + out of trouble or danger. I may as well relate one of them, merely to + illustrate of how little value a man’s intellect may be when fate and the + prejudices of the mass of men are against him. + </p> + <p> + One evening, late, I myself answered a ring at the bell, and found a small + black boy on the steps, a shoeless, hatless little wretch, curled darkness + for hair, and teeth like new tombstones. It was pretty cold, and he was + relieving his feet by standing first on one and then on the other. He did + not wait for me to speak. + </p> + <p> + “Hi, sah, Missey Barker she say to come quick away, sah, to Numbah 709 + Bedford street.” + </p> + <p> + The locality did not look like pay, but it is hard to say in this quarter, + because sometimes you found a well-to-do “brandy-snifter” (local for + gin-shop) or a hard-working “leather-jeweler” (ditto for shoemaker), with + next door, in a house better or worse, dozens of human rats for whom every + police trap in the city was constantly set. + </p> + <p> + With a doubt in my mind as to whether I should find a good patient or some + dirty nigger, I sought the place to which I had been directed. I did not + like its looks; but I blundered up an alley and into a back room, where I + fell over somebody, and was cursed and told to lie down and keep easy, or + somebody, meaning the man stumbled over, would make me. At last I lit on a + staircase which led into the alley, and, after much useless inquiry, got + as high as the garret. People hereabout did not know one another, or did + not want to know, so that it was of little avail to ask questions. At + length I saw a light through the cracks in the attic door, and walked in. + To my amazement, the first person I saw was a woman of about thirty-five, + in pearl-gray Quaker dress—one of your quiet, good-looking people. + She was seated on a stool beside a straw mattress upon which lay a black + woman. There were three others crowded close around a small stove, which + was red-hot—an unusual spectacle in this street. Altogether a most + nasty den. + </p> + <p> + As I came in, the little Quaker woman got up and said: “I took the liberty + of sending for thee to look at this poor woman. I am afraid she has the + smallpox. Will thee be so kind as to look at her?” And with this she held + down the candle toward the bed. + </p> + <p> + “Good gracious!” I said hastily, seeing how the creature was speckled “I + didn’t understand this, or I would not have come. I have important cases + which I cannot subject to the risk of contagion. Best let her alone, + miss,” I added, “or send her to the smallpox hospital.” + </p> + <p> + Upon my word, I was astonished at the little woman’s indignation. She said + just those things which make you feel as if somebody had been calling you + names or kicking you—Was I really a doctor? and so on. It did not + gain by being put in the ungrammatical tongue of Quakers. However, I never + did fancy smallpox, and what could a fellow get by doctoring wretches like + these? So I held my tongue and went away. About a week afterwards I met + Evans, the dispensary man, a very common fellow, who was said to be frank. + </p> + <p> + “Helloa!” says he. “Doctor, you made a nice mistake about that darky at + No. 709 Bedford street the other night. She had nothing but measles, after + all.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course I knew,” said I, laughing; “but you don’t think I was going in + for dispensary trash, do you?” + </p> + <p> + “I should think not,” said Evans. + </p> + <p> + I learned afterwards that this Miss Barker had taken an absurd fancy to + the man because he had doctored the darky and would not let the Quakeress + pay him. The end was, when I wanted to get a vacancy in the Southwark + Dispensary, where they do pay the doctors, Miss Barker was malignant + enough to take advantage of my oversight by telling the whole story to the + board; so that Evans got in, and I was beaten. + </p> + <p> + You may be pretty sure that I found rather slow the kind of practice I + have described, and began to look about for chances of bettering myself. + In this sort of locality rather risky cases turned up now and then; and as + soon as I got to be known as a reliable man, I began to get the peculiar + sort of practice I wanted. Notwithstanding all my efforts, I found myself, + at the close of three years, with all my means spent, and just able to + live meagerly from hand to mouth, which by no means suited a man of my + refined tastes. + </p> + <p> + Once or twice I paid a visit to my aunt, and was able to secure moderate + aid by overhauling her concealed hoardings. But as to these changes of + property I was careful, and did not venture to secure the large amount I + needed. As to the Bible, it was at this time hidden, and I judged it, + therefore, to be her chief place of deposit. Banks she utterly distrusted. + </p> + <p> + Six months went by, and I was worse off than ever—two months in + arrears of rent, and numerous other debts to cigar-shops and + liquor-dealers. Now and then some good job, such as a burglar with a cut + head, helped me for a while; but, on the whole, I was like Slider + Downeyhylle in Neal’s “Charcoal Sketches,” and kept going “downer and + downer” the more I tried not to. Something had to be done. + </p> + <p> + It occurred to me, about this time, that if I moved into a more genteel + locality I might get a better class of patients, and yet keep the best of + those I now had. To do this it was necessary to pay my rent, and the more + so because I was in a fair way to have no house at all over my head. But + here fortune interposed. I was caught in a heavy rainstorm on Seventh + Street, and ran to catch an omnibus. As I pulled open the door I saw + behind me the Quaker woman, Miss Barker. I laughed and jumped in. She had + to run a little before the ‘bus again stopped. She got pretty wet. An old + man in the corner, who seemed in the way of taking charge of other + people’s manners, said to me: “Young man, you ought to be ashamed to get + in before the lady, and in this pour, too!” + </p> + <p> + I said calmly, “But you got in before her.” + </p> + <p> + He made no reply to this obvious fact, as he might have been in the bus a + half-hour. A large, well-dressed man near by said, with a laugh, “Rather + neat, that,” and, turning, tried to pull up a window-sash. In the effort + something happened, and he broke the glass, cutting his hand in half a + dozen places. While he was using several quite profane phrases, I caught + his hand and said, “I am a surgeon,” and tied my handkerchief around the + bleeding palm. + </p> + <p> + The guardian of manners said, “I hope you are not much hurt, but there was + no reason why you should swear.” + </p> + <p> + On this my patient said, “Go to ——,” which silenced the + monitor. + </p> + <p> + I explained to the wounded man that the cuts should be looked after at + once. The matter was arranged by our leaving the ‘bus, and, as the rain + had let up, walking to his house. This was a large and quite luxurious + dwelling on Fourth street. There I cared for his wounds, which, as I had + informed him, required immediate attention. It was at this time summer, + and his wife and niece, the only other members of his family, were absent. + On my second visit I made believe to remove some splinters of glass which + I brought with me. He said they showed how shamefully thin was that + omnibus window-pane. To my surprise, my patient, at the end of the month,—for + one wound was long in healing,—presented me with one hundred + dollars. This paid my small rental, and as Mr. Poynter allowed me to refer + to him, I was able to get a better office and bedroom on Spruce street. I + saw no more of my patient until winter, although I learned that he was a + stock-broker, not in the very best repute, but of a well-known family. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile my move had been of small use. I was wise enough, however, to + keep up my connection with my former clients, and contrived to live. It + was no more than that. One day in December I was overjoyed to see Mr. + Poynter enter. He was a fat man, very pale, and never, to my remembrance, + without a permanent smile. He had very civil ways, and now at once I saw + that he wanted something. + </p> + <p> + I hated the way that man saw through me. He went on without hesitation, + taking me for granted. He began by saying he had confidence in my + judgment, and when a man says that you had better look out. He said he had + a niece who lived with him, a brother’s child; that she was out of health + and ought not to marry, which was what she meant to do. She was scared + about her health, because she had a cough, and had lost a brother of + consumption. I soon came to understand that, for reasons unknown to me, my + friend did not wish his niece to marry. His wife, he also informed me, was + troubled as to the niece’s health. Now, he said, he wished to consult me + as to what he should do. I suspected at once that he had not told me all. + </p> + <p> + I have often wondered at the skill with which I managed this rather + delicate matter. I knew I was not well enough known to be of direct use, + and was also too young to have much weight. I advised him to get Professor + C. + </p> + <p> + Then my friend shook his head. He said in reply, “But suppose, doctor, he + says there is nothing wrong with the girl?” + </p> + <p> + Then I began to understand him. + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” I said, “you get a confidential written opinion from him. You can + make it what you please when you tell her.” + </p> + <p> + He said no. It would be best for me to ask the professor to see Miss + Poynter; might mention my youth, and so on, as a reason. I was to get his + opinion in writing. + </p> + <p> + “Well?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “After that I want you to write me a joint opinion to meet the case—all + the needs of the case, you see.” + </p> + <p> + I saw, but hesitated as to how much would make it worth while to pull his + hot chestnuts out of the fire—one never knows how hot the chestnuts + are. + </p> + <p> + Then he said, “Ever take a chance in stocks?” + </p> + <p> + I said, “No.” + </p> + <p> + He said that he would lend me a little money and see what he could do with + it. And here was his receipt from me for one thousand dollars, and here, + too, was my order to buy shares of P. T. Y. Would I please to Sign it? I + did. + </p> + <p> + I was to call in two days at his house, and meantime I could think it + over. It seemed to me a pretty weak plan. Suppose the young woman—well, + supposing is awfully destructive of enterprise; and as for me, I had only + to misunderstand the professor’s opinion. I went to the house, and talked + to Mr. Poynter about his gout. Then Mrs. Poynter came in, and began to + lament her niece’s declining health. After that I saw Miss Poynter. There + is a kind of innocent-looking woman who knows no more of the world than a + young chicken, and is choke-full of emotions. I saw it would be easy to + frighten her. There are some instruments anybody can get any tune they + like out of. I was very grave, and advised her to see the professor. And + would I write to ask him, said Mr. Poynter. I said I would. + </p> + <p> + As I went out Mr. Poynter remarked: “You will clear some four hundred + easy. Write to the professor. Bring my receipt to the office next week, + and we will settle.” + </p> + <p> + We settled. I tore up his receipt and gave him one for fifteen hundred + dollars, and received in notes five hundred dollars. + </p> + <p> + In a day or so I had a note from the professor stating that Miss Poynter + was in no peril; that she was, as he thought, worried, and had only a mild + bronchial trouble. He advised me to do so-and-so, and had ventured to + reassure my young patient. Now, this was a little more than I wanted. + However, I wrote Mr. Poynter that the professor thought she had + bronchitis, that in her case tubercle would be very apt to follow, and + that at present, and until she was safe, we considered marriage + undesirable. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Poynter said it might have been put stronger, but he would make it do. + He made it. The first effect was an attack of hysterics. The final result + was that she eloped with her lover, because if she was to die, as she + wrote her aunt, she wished to die in her husband’s arms. Human nature plus + hysteria will defy all knowledge of character. This was what our old + professor of practice used to say. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Poynter had now to account for a large trust estate which had somehow + dwindled. Unhappily, princes are not the only people in whom you must not + put your trust. As to myself, Professor L. somehow got to know the facts, + and cut me dead. It was unpleasant, but I had my five hundred dollars, and—I + needed them. I do not see how I could have been more careful. + </p> + <p> + After this things got worse. Mr. Poynter broke, and did not even pay my + last bill. I had to accept several rather doubtful cases, and once a + policeman I knew advised me that I had better be on my guard. + </p> + <p> + But, really, so long as I adhered to the common code of my profession I + was in danger of going without my dinner. + </p> + <p> + Just as I was at my worst and in despair something always turned up, but + it was sure to be risky; and now my aunt refused to see me, and Peninnah + wrote me goody-goody letters, and said Aunt Rachel had been unable to find + certain bank-notes she had hidden, and vowed I had taken them. This + Peninnah did not think possible. I agreed with her. The notes were found + somewhat later by Peninnah in the toes of a pair of my aunt’s old + slippers. Of course I wrote an indignant letter. My aunt declared that + Peninnah had stolen the notes, and restored them when they were missed. + Poor Peninnah! This did not seem to me very likely, but Peninnah did love + fine clothes. + </p> + <p> + One night, as I was debating with myself as to how I was to improve my + position, I heard a knock on my shutter, and, going to the door, let in a + broad-shouldered man with a whisky face and a great hooked nose. He wore a + heavy black beard and mustache, and looked like the wolf in the pictures + of Red Riding-hood which I had seen as a child. + </p> + <p> + “Your name’s Sanderaft?” said the man. + </p> + <p> + “Yes; that’s my name—Dr. Sanderaft.” + </p> + <p> + As he sat down he shook the snow over everything, and said coolly: “Set + down, doc; I want to talk with you.” + </p> + <p> + “What can I do for you?” said I. + </p> + <p> + The man looked around the room rather scornfully, at the same time + throwing back his coat and displaying a red neckerchief and a huge garnet + pin. “Guess you’re not overly rich,” he said. + </p> + <p> + “Not especially,” said I. “What’s that your business?” + </p> + <p> + He did not answer, but merely said, “Know Simon Stagers?” + </p> + <p> + “Can’t say I do,” said I, cautiously. Simon was a burglar who had blown + off two fingers when mining a safe. I had attended him while he was + hiding. + </p> + <p> + “Can’t say you do. Well, you can lie, and no mistake. Come, now, doc. + Simon says you’re safe, and I want to have a leetle plain talk with you.” + </p> + <p> + With this he laid ten gold eagles on the table. I put out my hand + instinctively. + </p> + <p> + “Let ‘em alone,” cried the man, sharply. “They’re easy earned, and ten + more like ‘em.” + </p> + <p> + “For doing what?” I said. + </p> + <p> + The man paused a moment, and looked around him; next he stared at me, and + loosened his cravat with a hasty pull. “You’re the coroner,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “I! What do you mean?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you’re the coroner; don’t you understand?” and so saying, he shoved + the gold pieces toward me. + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” said I; “we will suppose I’m the coroner. What next?” + </p> + <p> + “And being the coroner,” said he, “you get this note, which requests you + to call at No. 9 Blank street to examine the body of a young man which is + supposed—only supposed, you see—to have—well, to have + died under suspicious circumstances.” + </p> + <p> + “Go on,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “No,” he returned; “not till I know how you like it. Stagers and another + knows it; and it wouldn’t be very safe for you to split, besides not + making nothing out of it. But what I say is this, Do you like the business + of coroner?” + </p> + <p> + I did not like it; but just then two hundred in gold was life to me, so I + said: “Let me hear the whole of it first. I am safe.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s square enough,” said the man. “My wife’s got”—correcting + himself with a shivery shrug—“my wife had a brother that took to + cutting up rough because when I’d been up too late I handled her a leetle + hard now and again. + </p> + <p> + “Luckily he fell sick with typhoid just then—you see, he lived with + us. When he got better I guessed he’d drop all that; but somehow he was + worse than ever—clean off his head, and strong as an ox. My wife + said to put him away in an asylum. I didn’t think that would do. At last + he tried to get out. He was going to see the police about—well—the + thing was awful serious, and my wife carrying on like mad, and wanting + doctors. I had no mind to run, and something had got to be done. So Simon + Stagers and I talked it over. The end of it was, he took worse of a + sudden, and got so he didn’t know nothing. Then I rushed for a doctor. He + said it was a perforation, and there ought to have been a doctor when he + was first took sick. + </p> + <p> + “Well, the man died, and as I kept about the house, my wife had no chance + to talk. The doctor fussed a bit, but at last he gave a certificate. I + thought we were done with it. But my wife she writes a note and gives it + to a boy in the alley to put in the post. We suspicioned her, and Stagers + was on the watch. After the boy got away a bit, Simon bribed him with a + quarter to give him the note, which wasn’t no less than a request to the + coroner to come to the house to-morrow and make an examination, as foul + play was suspected—and poison.” + </p> + <p> + When the man quit talking he glared at me. I sat still. I was cold all + over. I was afraid to go on, and afraid to go back, besides which, I did + not doubt that there was a good deal of money in the case. + </p> + <p> + “Of course,” said I, “it’s nonsense; only I suppose you don’t want the + officers about, and a fuss, and that sort of thing.” + </p> + <p> + “Exactly,” said my friend. “It’s all bosh about poison. You’re the + coroner. You take this note and come to my house. Says you: ‘Mrs. File, + are you the woman that wrote this note? Because in that case I must + examine the body.’” + </p> + <p> + “I see,” said I; “she needn’t know who I am, or anything else; but if I + tell her it’s all right, do you think she won’t want to know why there + isn’t a jury, and so on?” + </p> + <p> + “Bless you,” said the man, “the girl isn’t over seventeen, and doesn’t + know no more than a baby. As we live up-town miles away, she won’t know + anything about you.” + </p> + <p> + “I’ll do it,” said I, suddenly, for, as I saw, it involved no sort of + risk; “but I must have three hundred dollars.” + </p> + <p> + “And fifty,” added the wolf, “if you do it well.” + </p> + <p> + Then I knew it was serious. + </p> + <p> + With this the man buttoned about him a shaggy gray overcoat, and took his + leave without a single word in addition. + </p> + <p> + A minute later he came back and said: “Stagers is in this business, and I + was to remind you of Lou Wilson,—I forgot that,—the woman that + died last year. That’s all.” Then he went away, leaving me in a cold + sweat. I knew now I had no choice. I understood why I had been selected. + </p> + <p> + For the first time in my life, that night I couldn’t sleep. I thought to + myself, at last, that I would get up early, pack a few clothes, and + escape, leaving my books to pay as they might my arrears of rent. Looking + out of the window, however, in the morning, I saw Stagers prowling about + the opposite pavement; and as the only exit except the street door was an + alleyway which opened along-side of the front of the house, I gave myself + up for lost. About ten o’clock I took my case of instruments and started + for File’s house, followed, as I too well understood, by Stagers. + </p> + <p> + I knew the house, which was in a small uptown street, by its closed + windows and the craped bell, which I shuddered as I touched. However, it + was too late to draw back, and I therefore inquired for Mrs. File. A + haggard-looking young woman came down, and led me into a small parlor, for + whose darkened light I was thankful enough. + </p> + <p> + “Did you write this note?” + </p> + <p> + “I did,” said the woman, “if you’re the coroner. Joe File—he’s my + husband—he’s gone out to see about the funeral. I wish it was his, I + do.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you suspect?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “I’ll tell you,” she returned in a whisper. “I think he was made away + with. I think there was foul play. I think he was poisoned. That’s what I + think.” + </p> + <p> + “I hope you may be mistaken,” said I. “Suppose you let me see the body.” + </p> + <p> + “You shall see it,” she replied; and following her, I went up-stairs to a + front chamber, where I found the corpse. + </p> + <p> + “Get it over soon,” said the woman, with strange firmness. “If there ain’t + no murder been done I shall have to run for it; if there was”—and + her face set hard—“I guess I’ll stay.” With this she closed the door + and left me with the dead. + </p> + <p> + If I had known what was before me I never could have gone into the thing + at all. It looked a little better when I had opened a window and let in + plenty of light; for although I was, on the whole, far less afraid of dead + than living men, I had an absurd feeling that I was doing this dead man a + distinct wrong—as if it mattered to the dead, after all! When the + affair was over, I thought more of the possible consequences than of its + relation to the dead man himself; but do as I would at the time, I was in + a ridiculous funk, and especially when going through the forms of a + post-mortem examination. + </p> + <p> + I am free to confess now that I was careful not to uncover the man’s face, + and that when it was over I backed to the door and hastily escaped from + the room. On the stairs opposite to me Mrs. File was seated, with her + bonnet on and a bundle in her hand. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said she, rising as she spoke, and with a certain eagerness in her + tone, “what killed him? Was it poison?” + </p> + <p> + “Poison, my good woman!” said I. “When a man has typhoid fever he don’t + need poison to kill him. He had a relapse, that’s all.” + </p> + <p> + “And do you mean to say he wasn’t poisoned,” said she, with more than a + trace of disappointment in her voice—“not poisoned at all?” + </p> + <p> + “No more than you are,” said I. “If I had found any signs of foul play I + should have had a regular inquest. As it is, the less said about it the + better. The fact is, it would have been much wiser to have kept quiet at + the beginning. I can’t understand why you should have troubled me about it + at all. The man had a perforation. It is common enough in typhoid.” + </p> + <p> + “That’s what the doctor said—I didn’t believe him. I guess now the + sooner I leave the better for me.” + </p> + <p> + “As to that,” I returned, “it is none of my business; but you may rest + certain about the cause of your brother’s death.” + </p> + <p> + My fears were somewhat quieted that evening when Stagers and the wolf + appeared with the remainder of the money, and I learned that Mrs. File had + fled from her home and, as File thought likely, from the city also. A few + months later File himself disappeared, and Stagers found his way for the + third time into the penitentiary. Then I felt at ease. I now see, for my + own part, that I was guilty of more than one mistake, and that I displayed + throughout a want of intelligence. I ought to have asked more, and also + might have got a good fee from Mrs. File on account of my services as + coroner. It served me, however, as a good lesson; but it was several + months before I felt quite comfortable. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile money became scarce once more, and I was driven to my wit’s end + to devise how I should continue to live as I had done. I tried, among + other plans, that of keeping certain pills and other medicines, which I + sold to my patients; but on the whole I found it better to send all my + prescriptions to one druggist, who charged the patient ten or twenty cents + over the correct price, and handed this amount to me. + </p> + <p> + In some cases I am told the percentage is supposed to be a donation on the + part of the apothecary; but I rather fancy the patient pays for it in the + end. It is one of the absurd vagaries of the profession to discountenance + the practice I have described, but I wish, for my part, I had never done + anything more foolish or more dangerous. Of course it inclines a doctor to + change his medicines a good deal, and to order them in large quantities, + which is occasionally annoying to the poor; yet, as I have always + observed, there is no poverty as painful as your own, so that I prefer to + distribute pecuniary suffering among many rather than to concentrate it on + myself. That’s a rather neat phrase. + </p> + <p> + About six months after the date of this annoying adventure, an incident + occurred which altered somewhat, and for a time improved, my professional + position. During my morning office-hour an old woman came in, and putting + down a large basket, wiped her face with a yellow-cotton handkerchief, and + afterwards with the corner of her apron. Then she looked around uneasily, + got up, settled her basket on her arm with a jerk which may have decided + the future of an egg or two, and remarked briskly: “Don’t see no little + bottles about; got the wrong stall, I guess. You ain’t no homeopath + doctor, are you?” + </p> + <p> + With great presence of mind, I replied: “Well, ma’am, that depends upon + what you want. Some of my patients like one, and some like the other.” I + was about to add, “You pay your money and you take your choice,” but + thought better of it, and held my peace, refraining from classical + quotation. + </p> + <p> + “Being as that’s the case,” said the old lady, “I’ll just tell you my + symptoms. You said you give either kind of medicine, didn’t you?” + </p> + <p> + “Just so,” replied I. + </p> + <p> + “Clams or oysters, whichever opens most lively, as my old Joe says—tends + the oyster-stand at stall No. 9. Happen to know Joe?” + </p> + <p> + No, I did not know Joe; but what were the symptoms? + </p> + <p> + They proved to be numerous, and included a stunning in the head and a + misery in the side, with bokin after victuals. + </p> + <p> + I proceeded, of course, to apply a stethoscope over her ample bosom, + though what I heard on this and similar occasions I should find it rather + difficult to state. I remember well my astonishment in one instance where, + having unconsciously applied my instrument over a clamorous silver watch + in the watchfob of a sea-captain, I concluded for a moment that he was + suffering from a rather remarkable displacement of the heart. As to my old + lady, whose name was Checkers, and who kept an apple-stand near by, I told + her that I was out of pills just then, but would have plenty next day. + Accordingly, I proceeded to invest a small amount at a place called a + homeopathic pharmacy, which I remember amused me immensely. + </p> + <p> + A stout little German, with great silver spectacles, sat behind a counter + containing numerous jars of white powders labeled concisely “Lac.,” + “Led.,” “Onis.,” “Op.,” “Puls.,” etc., while behind him were shelves + filled with bottles of what looked like minute white shot. + </p> + <p> + “I want some homeopathic medicine,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Vat kindt?” said my friend. “Vat you vants to cure!” + </p> + <p> + I explained at random that I wished to treat diseases in general. + </p> + <p> + “Vell, ve gifs you a case, mit a pook,” and thereon produced a large box + containing bottles of small pills and powders, labeled variously with the + names of the diseases, so that all you required was to use the headache or + colic bottle in order to meet the needs of those particular maladies. + </p> + <p> + I was struck at first with the exquisite simplicity of this arrangement; + but before purchasing, I happened luckily to turn over the leaves of a + book, in two volumes, which lay on the counter; it was called “Jahr’s + Manual.” Opening at page 310, vol. i, I lit upon “Lachesis,” which proved + to my amazement to be snake-venom. This Mr. Jahr stated to be indicated + for use in upward of a hundred symptoms. At once it occurred to me that + “Lach.” was the medicine for my money, and that it was quite needless to + waste cash on the box. I therefore bought a small jar of “Lach.” and a lot + of little pills, and started for home. + </p> + <p> + My old woman proved a fast friend; and as she sent me numerous patients, I + by and by altered my sign to “Homeopathic Physician and Surgeon,” whatever + that may mean, and was regarded by my medical brothers as a lost sheep, + and by the little-pill doctors as one who had seen the error of his ways. + </p> + <p> + In point of fact, my new practice had decided advantages. All pills looked + and tasted alike, and the same might be said of the powders, so that I was + never troubled by those absurd investigations into the nature of remedies + which some patients are prone to make. Of course I desired to get + business, and it was therefore obviously unwise to give little pills of + “Lac.,” or “Puls.,” or “Sep.,” when a man needed a dose of oil, or a + white-faced girl iron, or the like. I soon made the useful discovery that + it was only necessary to prescribe cod-liver oil, for instance, as a diet, + in order to make use of it where required. When a man got impatient over + an ancient ague, I usually found, too, that I could persuade him to let me + try a good dose of quinine; while, on the other hand, there was a distinct + pecuniary advantage in those cases of the shakes which could be made to + believe that it “was best not to interfere with nature.” I ought to add + that this kind of faith is uncommon among folks who carry hods or build + walls. + </p> + <p> + For women who are hysterical, and go heart and soul into the business of + being sick, I have found the little pills a most charming resort, because + you cannot carry the refinement of symptoms beyond what my friend Jahr has + done in the way of fitting medicines to them, so that if I had taken + seriously to practising this double form of therapeutics, it had, as I + saw, certain conveniences. + </p> + <p> + Another year went by, and I was beginning to prosper in my new mode of + life. My medicines (being chiefly milk-sugar, with variations as to the + labels) cost next to nothing; and as I charged pretty well for both these + and my advice, I was now able to start a gig. + </p> + <p> + I solemnly believe that I should have continued to succeed in the practice + of my profession if it had not happened that fate was once more unkind to + me, by throwing in my path one of my old acquaintances. I had a + consultation one day with the famous homeopath Dr. Zwanzig. As we walked + away we were busily discussing the case of a poor consumptive fellow who + previously had lost a leg. In consequence of this defect, Dr. Zwanzig + considered that the ten-thousandth of a grain of aurum would be an + overdose, and that it must be fractioned so as to allow for the departed + leg, otherwise the rest of the man would be getting a leg-dose too much. I + was particularly struck with this view of the case, but I was still more, + and less pleasingly, impressed at the sight of my former patient Stagers, + who nodded to me familiarly from the opposite pavement. + </p> + <p> + I was not at all surprised when, that evening quite late, I found this + worthy waiting in my office. I looked around uneasily, which was clearly + understood by my friend, who retorted: “Ain’t took nothin’ of yours, doc. + You don’t seem right awful glad to see me. You needn’t be afraid—I’ve + only fetched you a job, and a right good one, too.” + </p> + <p> + I replied that I had my regular business, that I preferred he should get + some one else, and pretty generally made Mr. Stagers aware that I had had + enough of him. I did not ask him to sit down, and, just as I supposed him + about to leave, he seated himself with a grin, remarking, “No use, doc; + got to go into it this one time.” + </p> + <p> + At this I, naturally enough, grew angry and used several rather violent + phrases. + </p> + <p> + “No use, doc,” said Stagers. + </p> + <p> + Then I softened down, and laughed a little, and treated the thing as a + joke, whatever it was, for I dreaded to hear. + </p> + <p> + But Stagers was fate. Stagers was inevitable. “Won’t do, doc—not + even money wouldn’t get you off.” + </p> + <p> + “No?” said I, interrogatively, and as coolly as I could, contriving at the + same time to move toward the window. It was summer, the sashes were up, + the shutters half drawn in, and a policeman whom I knew was lounging + opposite, as I had noticed when I entered. I would give Stagers a scare, + charge him with theft—anything but get mixed up with his kind again. + It was the folly of a moment and I should have paid dear for it. + </p> + <p> + He must have understood me, the scoundrel, for in an instant I felt a cold + ring of steel against my ear, and a tiger clutch on my cravat. “Sit down,” + he said. “What a fool you are! Guess you forgot that there coroner’s + business and the rest.” Needless to say that I obeyed. “Best not try that + again,” continued my guest. “Wait a moment”; and rising, he closed the + window. + </p> + <p> + There was no resource left but to listen; and what followed I shall + condense rather than relate it in the language employed by Mr. Stagers. + </p> + <p> + It appeared that my other acquaintance Mr. File had been guilty of a + cold-blooded and long-premeditated murder, for which he had been tried and + convicted. He now lay in jail awaiting his execution, which was to take + place at Carsonville, Ohio. It seemed that with Stagers and others he had + formed a band of expert counterfeiters in the West. Their business lay in + the manufacture of South American currencies. File had thus acquired a + fortune so considerable that I was amazed at his having allowed his + passion to seduce him into unprofitable crime. In his agony he + unfortunately thought of me, and had bribed Stagers largely in order that + he might be induced to find me. When the narration had reached this stage, + and I had been made fully to understand that I was now and hereafter under + the sharp eye of Stagers and his friends, that, in a word, escape was out + of the question, I turned on my tormentor. + </p> + <p> + “What does all this mean?” I said. “What does File expect me to do?” + </p> + <p> + “Don’t believe he exactly knows,” said Stagers. “Something or other to get + him clear of hemp.” + </p> + <p> + “But what stuff!” I replied. “How can I help him? What possible influence + could I exert?” + </p> + <p> + “Can’t say,” answered Stagers, imperturbably. “File has a notion you’re + ‘most cunning enough for anything. Best try something, doc.” + </p> + <p> + “And what if I won’t do it?” said I. “What does it matter to me if the + rascal swings or no?” + </p> + <p> + “Keep cool, doc,” returned Stagers. “I’m only agent in this here business. + My principal, that’s File, he says: ‘Tell Sanderaft to find some way to + get me clear. Once out, I give him ten thousand dollars. If he don’t turn + up something that will suit, I’ll blow about that coroner business and Lou + Wilson, and break him up generally.’” + </p> + <p> + “You don’t mean,” said I, in a cold sweat—“you don’t mean that, if I + can’t do this impossible thing, he will inform on me?” + </p> + <p> + “Just so,” returned Stagers. “Got a cigar, doc?” + </p> + <p> + I only half heard him. What a frightful position! I had been leading a + happy and an increasingly profitable life—no scrapes and no dangers; + and here, on a sudden, I had presented to me the alternative of saving a + wretch from the gallows or of spending unlimited years in a State + penitentiary. As for the money, it became as dead leaves for this once + only in my life. My brain seemed to be spinning round. I grew weak all + over. + </p> + <p> + “Cheer up a little,” said Stagers. “Take a nip of whisky. Things ain’t at + the worst, by a good bit. You just get ready, and we’ll start by the + morning train. Guess you’ll try out something smart enough as we travel + along. Ain’t got a heap of time to lose.” + </p> + <p> + I was silent. A great anguish had me in its grip. I might squirm as I + would, it was all in vain. Hideous plans rose to my mind, born of this + agony of terror. I might murder Stagers, but what good would that do? As + to File, he was safe from my hand. At last I became too confused to think + any longer. “When do we leave?” I said feebly. + </p> + <p> + “At six to-morrow,” he returned. + </p> + <p> + How I was watched and guarded, and how hurried over a thousand miles of + rail to my fate, little concerns us now. I find it dreadful to recall it + to memory. Above all, an aching eagerness for revenge upon the man who had + caused me these sufferings was uppermost in my mind. Could I not fool the + wretch and save myself? Of a sudden an idea came into my consciousness. + Then it grew and formed itself, became possible, probable, seemed to me + sure. “Ah,” said I, “Stagers, give me something to eat and drink.” I had + not tasted food for two days. + </p> + <p> + Within a day or two after my arrival, I was enabled to see File in his + cell, on the plea of being a clergyman from his native place. + </p> + <p> + I found that I had not miscalculated my danger. The man did not appear to + have the least idea as to how I was to help him. He only knew that I was + in his power, and he used his control to insure that something more potent + than friendship should be enlisted in his behalf. As the days went by, his + behavior grew to be a frightful thing to witness. He threatened, + flattered, implored, offered to double the sum he had promised if I would + save him. My really reasonable first thought was to see the governor of + the State, and, as Stagers’s former physician, make oath to his having had + many attacks of epilepsy followed by brief periods of homicidal mania. He + had, in fact, had fits of alcoholic epilepsy. Unluckily, the governor was + in a distant city. The time was short, and the case against my man too + clear. Stagers said it would not do. I was at my wit’s end. “Got to do + something,” said File, “or I’ll attend to your case, doc.” + </p> + <p> + “But,” said I, “suppose there is really nothing?” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said Stagers to me when we were alone, “you get him satisfied, + anyhow. He’ll never let them hang him, and perhaps—well, I’m going + to give him these pills when I get a chance. He asked to have them. But + what’s your other plan?” + </p> + <p> + Stagers knew as much about medicine as a pig knows about the opera. So I + set to work to delude him, first asking if he could secure me, as a + clergyman, an hour alone with File just before the execution. He said + money would do it, and what was my plan? + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said I, “there was once a man named Dr. Chovet. He lived in + London. A gentleman who turned highwayman was to be hanged. You see,” said + I, “this was about 1760. Well, his friends bribed the jailer and the + hangman. The doctor cut a hole in the man’s windpipe, very low down where + it could be partly hid by a loose cravat. So, as they hanged him only a + little while, and the breath went in and out of the opening below the + noose, he was only just insensible when his friends got him—” + </p> + <p> + “And he got well,” cried Stagers, much pleased with my rather melodramatic + tale. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” I said, “he got well, and lived to take purses, all dressed in + white. People had known him well, and when he robbed his great-aunt, who + was not in the secret, she swore she had seen his ghost.” + </p> + <p> + Stagers said that was a fine story; guessed it would work; small town, new + business, lots of money to use. In fact, the attempt thus to save a man is + said to have been made, but, by ill luck, the man did not recover. It + answered my purpose, but how any one, even such an ass as this fellow, + could believe it could succeed puzzles me to this day. + </p> + <p> + File became enthusiastic over my scheme, and I cordially assisted his + credulity. The thing was to keep the wretch quiet until the business blew + up or—and I shuddered—until File, in despair, took his pill. I + should in any case find it wise to leave in haste. + </p> + <p> + My friend Stagers had some absurd misgivings lest Mr. File’s neck might be + broken by the fall; but as to this I was able to reassure him upon the + best scientific authority. There were certain other and minor questions, + as to the effect of sudden, nearly complete arrest of the supply of blood + to the brain; but with these physiological refinements I thought it + needlessly cruel to distract a man in File’s peculiar position. Perhaps I + shall be doing injustice to my own intellect if I do not hasten to state + again that I had not the remotest belief in the efficacy of my plan for + any purpose except to get me out of a very uncomfortable position and give + me, with time, a chance to escape. + </p> + <p> + Stagers and I were both disguised as clergymen, and were quite freely + admitted to the condemned man’s cell. In fact, there was in the little + town a certain trustful simplicity about all their arrangements. The day + but one before the execution Stagers informed me that File had the pills, + which he, Stagers, had contrived to give him. Stagers seemed pleased with + our plan. I was not. He was really getting uneasy and suspicious of me—as + I was soon to find out. + </p> + <p> + So far our plans, or rather mine, had worked to a marvel. Certain of + File’s old accomplices succeeded in bribing the hangman to shorten the + time of suspension. Arrangements were made to secure me two hours alone + with the prisoner, so that nothing seemed to be wanting to this tomfool + business. I had assured Stagers that I would not need to see File again + previous to the operation; but in the forenoon of the day before that set + for the execution I was seized with a feverish impatience, which luckily + prompted me to visit him once more. As usual, I was admitted readily, and + nearly reached his cell when I became aware, from the sound of voices + heard through the grating in the door, that there was a visitor in the + cell. “Who is with him?” I inquired of the turnkey. + </p> + <p> + “The doctor,” he replied. + </p> + <p> + “Doctor?” I said, pausing. “What doctor?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, the jail doctor. I was to come back in half an hour to let him out; + but he’s got a quarter to stay. Shall I let you in, or will you wait?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” I replied; “it is hardly right to interrupt them. I will walk in the + corridor for ten minutes or so, and then you can come back to let me into + the cell.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” he returned, and left me. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I was alone, I cautiously advanced until I stood alongside of + the door, through the barred grating of which I was able readily to hear + what went on within. The first words I caught were these: + </p> + <p> + “And you tell me, doctor, that, even if a man’s windpipe was open, the + hanging would kill him—are you sure?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I believe there would be no doubt of it. I cannot see how escape + would be possible. But let me ask you why you have sent for me to ask + these singular questions. You cannot have the faintest hope of escape, and + least of all in such a manner as this. I advise you to think about the + fate which is inevitable. You must, I fear, have much to reflect upon.” + </p> + <p> + “But,” said File, “if I wanted to try this plan of mine, couldn’t some one + be found to help me, say if he was to make twenty thousand or so by it? I + mean a really good doctor.” Evidently File cruelly mistrusted my skill, + and meant to get some one to aid me. + </p> + <p> + “If you mean me,” answered the doctor, “some one cannot be found, neither + for twenty nor fifty thousand dollars. Besides, if any one were wicked + enough to venture on such an attempt, he would only be deceiving you with + a hope which would be utterly vain. You must be off your head.” + </p> + <p> + I understood all this with an increasing fear in my mind. I had meant to + get away that night at all risks. I saw now that I must go at once. + </p> + <p> + After a pause he said: “Well, doctor, you know a poor devil in my fix will + clutch at straws. Hope I have not offended you.” + </p> + <p> + “Not in the least,” returned the doctor. “Shall I send you Mr. Smith?” + This was my present name; in fact, I was known as the Rev. Eliphalet + Smith. + </p> + <p> + “I would like it,” answered File; “but as you go out, tell the warden I + want to see him immediately about a matter of great importance.” + </p> + <p> + At this stage I began to apprehend very distinctly that the time had + arrived when it would be wiser for me to delay escape no longer. + Accordingly, I waited until I heard the doctor rise, and at once stepped + quietly away to the far end of the corridor. I had scarcely reached it + when the door which closed it was opened by a turnkey who had come to + relieve the doctor and let me into the cell. Of course my peril was + imminent. If the turnkey mentioned my near presence to the prisoner, + immediate disclosure would follow. If some lapse of time were secured + before the warden obeyed the request from File that he should visit him, I + might gain thus a much-needed hour, but hardly more. I therefore said to + the officer: “Tell the warden that the doctor wishes to remain an hour + longer with the prisoner, and that I shall return myself at the end of + that time.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good, sir,” said the turnkey, allowing me to pass out, and, as he + followed me, relocking the door of the corridor. “I’ll tell him,” he said. + It is needless to repeat that I never had the least idea of carrying out + the ridiculous scheme with which I had deluded File and Stagers, but so + far Stagers’s watchfulness had given me no chance to escape. + </p> + <p> + In a few moments I was outside of the jail gate, and saw my + fellow-clergyman, Mr. Stagers, in full broadcloth and white tie, coming + down the street toward me. As usual, he was on his guard; but this time he + had to deal with a man grown perfectly desperate, with everything to win + and nothing to lose. My plans were made, and, wild as they were, I thought + them worth the trying. I must evade this man’s terrible watch. How keen it + was, you cannot imagine; but it was aided by three of the infamous gang to + which File had belonged, for without these spies no one person could + possibly have sustained so perfect a system. + </p> + <p> + I took Stagers’s arm. “What time,” said I, “does the first train start for + Dayton?” + </p> + <p> + “At twelve. What do you want?” + </p> + <p> + “How far is it?” + </p> + <p> + “About fifteen miles,” he replied. + </p> + <p> + “Good. I can get back by eight o’clock to-night.” + </p> + <p> + “Easily,” said Stagers, “if you go. What do you want?” + </p> + <p> + “I want a smaller tube to put in the windpipe—must have it, in + fact.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I don’t like it,” said he, “but the thing’s got to go through + somehow. If you must go, I will go along myself. Can’t lose sight of you, + doc, just at present. You’re monstrous precious. Did you tell File?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said I; “he’s all right. Come. We’ve no time to lose.” + </p> + <p> + Nor had we. Within twenty minutes we were seated in the last car of a long + train, and running at the rate of twenty miles an hour toward Dayton. In + about ten minutes I asked Stagers for a cigar. + </p> + <p> + “Can’t smoke here,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “No,” I answered; “of course not. I’ll go forward into the smoking-car.” + </p> + <p> + “Come along,” said he, and we went through the train. + </p> + <p> + I was not sorry he had gone with me when I found in the smoking-car one of + the spies who had been watching me so constantly. Stagers nodded to him + and grinned at me, and we sat down together. + </p> + <p> + “Chut!” said I, “left my cigar on the window-ledge in the hindmost car. Be + back in a moment.” + </p> + <p> + This time, for a wonder, Stagers allowed me to leave unaccompanied. I + hastened through to the nearer end of the hindmost car, and stood on the + platform. I instantly cut the signal-cord. Then I knelt down, and, waiting + until the two cars ran together, I tugged at the connecting-pin. As the + cars came together, I could lift it a little, then as the strain came on + the coupling the pin held fast. At last I made a great effort, and out it + came. The car I was on instantly lost speed, and there on the other + platform, a hundred feet away, was Stagers shaking his fist at me. He was + beaten, and he knew it. In the end few people have been able to get ahead + of me. + </p> + <p> + The retreating train was half a mile away around the curve as I screwed up + the brake on my car hard enough to bring it nearly to a stand. I did not + wait for it to stop entirely before I slipped off the steps, leaving the + other passengers to dispose of themselves as they might until their + absence should be discovered and the rest of the train return. + </p> + <p> + As I wish rather to illustrate my very remarkable professional career than + to amuse by describing its lesser incidents, I shall not linger to tell + how I succeeded, at last, in reaching St. Louis. Fortunately, I had never + ceased to anticipate the moment when escape from File and his friends + would be possible, so that I always carried about with me the very small + funds with which I had hastily provided myself upon leaving. The whole + amount did not exceed sixty-five dollars, but with this, and a gold watch + worth twice as much, I hoped to be able to subsist until my own ingenuity + enabled me to provide more liberally for the future. Naturally enough, I + scanned the papers closely to discover some account of File’s death and of + the disclosures concerning myself which he was only too likely to have + made. + </p> + <p> + I came at last on an account of how he had poisoned himself, and so + escaped the hangman. I never learned what he had said about me, but I was + quite sure he had not let me off easy. I felt that this failure to + announce his confessions was probably due to a desire on the part of the + police to avoid alarming me. Be this as it may, I remained long ignorant + as to whether or not the villain betrayed my part in that unusual + coroner’s inquest. + </p> + <p> + Before many days I had resolved to make another and a bold venture. + Accordingly appeared in the St. Louis papers an advertisement to the + effect that Dr. von Ingenhoff, the well-known German physician, who had + spent two years on the Plains acquiring a knowledge of Indian medicine, + was prepared to treat all diseases by vegetable remedies alone. Dr. von + Ingenhoff would remain in St. Louis for two weeks, and was to be found at + the Grayson House every day from ten until two o’clock. + </p> + <p> + To my delight, I got two patients the first day. The next I had twice as + many, when at once I hired two connecting rooms, and made a very useful + arrangement, which I may describe dramatically in the following way: + </p> + <p> + There being two or three patients waiting while I finished my cigar and + morning julep, enters a respectable-looking old gentleman who inquires + briskly of the patients if this is really Dr. von Ingenhoff’s. He is told + it is. My friend was apt to overact his part. I had often occasion to ask + him to be less positive. + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” says he, “I shall be delighted to see the doctor. Five years ago I + was scalped on the Plains, and now”—exhibiting a well-covered head—“you + see what the doctor did for me. ‘T isn’t any wonder I’ve come fifty miles + to see him. Any of you been scalped, gentlemen?” + </p> + <p> + To none of them had this misfortune arrived as yet; but, like most folks + in the lower ranks of life and some in the upper ones, it was pleasant to + find a genial person who would listen to their account of their own + symptoms. + </p> + <p> + Presently, after hearing enough, the old gentleman pulls out a large + watch. “Bless me! it’s late. I must call again. May I trouble you, sir, to + say to the doctor that his old friend called to see him and will drop in + again to-morrow? Don’t forget: Governor Brown of Arkansas.” A moment later + the governor visited me by a side door, with his account of the symptoms + of my patients. + </p> + <p> + Enter a tall Hoosier, the governor having retired. “Now, doc,” says the + Hoosier, “I’ve been handled awful these two years back.” “Stop!” I + exclaimed. “Open your eyes. There, now, let me see,” taking his pulse as I + speak. “Ah, you’ve a pain there, and there, and you can’t sleep; cocktails + don’t agree any longer. Weren’t you bit by a dog two years ago?” “I was,” + says the Hoosier, in amazement. “Sir,” I reply, “you have chronic + hydrophobia. It’s the water in the cocktails that disagrees with you. My + bitters will cure you in a week, sir. No more whisky—drink milk.” + </p> + <p> + The astonishment of my patient at these accurate revelations may be + imagined. He is allowed to wait for his medicine in the anteroom, where + the chances are in favor of his relating how wonderfully I had told all + his symptoms at a glance. + </p> + <p> + Governor Brown of Arkansas was a small but clever actor, whom I met in the + billiard-room, and who day after day, in varying disguises and modes, + played off the same tricks, to our great common advantage. + </p> + <p> + At my friend’s suggestion, we very soon added to our resources by the + purchase of two electromagnetic batteries. This special means of treating + all classes of maladies has advantages which are altogether peculiar. In + the first place, you instruct your patient that the treatment is of + necessity a long one. A striking mode of putting it is to say, “Sir, you + have been six months getting ill; it will require six months for a cure.” + There is a correct sound about such a phrase, and it is sure to satisfy. + Two sittings a week, at two dollars a sitting, will pay. In many cases the + patient gets well while you are electrifying him. Whether or not the + electricity cured him is a thing I shall never know. If, however, he began + to show signs of impatience, I advised him that he would require a year’s + treatment, and suggested that it would be economical for him to buy a + battery and use it at home. Thus advised, he pays you twenty dollars for + an instrument which cost you ten, and you are rid of a troublesome case. + </p> + <p> + If the reader has followed me closely, he will have learned that I am a + man of large and liberal views in my profession, and of a very justifiable + ambition. The idea has often occurred to me of combining in one + establishment all the various modes of practice which are known as + irregular. This, as will be understood, is really only a wider application + of the idea which prompted me to unite in my own business homeopathy and + the practice of medicine. I proposed to my partner, accordingly, to + combine with our present business that of spiritualism, which I knew had + been very profitably turned to account in connection with medical + practice. As soon as he agreed to this plan, which, by the way, I hoped to + enlarge so as to include all the available isms, I set about making such + preparations as were necessary. I remembered having read somewhere that a + Dr. Schiff had shown that he could produce remarkable “knockings,” so + called, by voluntarily dislocating the great toe and then forcibly drawing + it back into its socket. A still better noise could be made by throwing + the tendon of the peroneus longus muscle out of the hollow in which it + lies, alongside of the ankle. After some effort I was able to accomplish + both feats quite readily, and could occasion a remarkable variety of + sounds, according to the power which I employed or the positions which I + occupied at the time. As to all other matters, I trusted to the + suggestions of my own ingenuity, which, as a rule, has rarely failed me. + </p> + <p> + The largest success attended the novel plan which my lucky genius had + devised, so that soon we actually began to divide large profits and to lay + by a portion of our savings. It is, of course, not to be supposed that + this desirable result was attained without many annoyances and some + positive danger. My spiritual revelations, medical and other, were, as may + be supposed, only more or less happy guesses; but in this, as in + predictions as to the weather and other events, the rare successes always + get more prominence in the minds of men than the numerous failures. + Moreover, whenever a person has been fool enough to resort to folks like + myself, he is always glad to be able to defend his conduct by bringing + forward every possible proof of skill on the part of the men he has + consulted. These considerations, and a certain love of mysterious or + unusual means, I have commonly found sufficient to secure an ample share + of gullible individuals. I may add, too, that those who would be shrewd + enough to understand and expose us are wise enough to keep away + altogether. Such as did come were, as a rule, easy enough to manage, but + now and then we hit upon some utterly exceptional patient who was both + foolish enough to consult us and sharp enough to know he had been + swindled. When such a fellow made a fuss, it was occasionally necessary to + return his money if it was found impossible to bully him into silence. In + one or two instances, where I had promised a cure upon prepayment of two + or three hundred dollars, I was either sued or threatened with suit, and + had to refund a part or the whole of the amount; but most people preferred + to hold their tongues rather than expose to the world the extent of their + own folly. + </p> + <p> + In one most disastrous case I suffered personally to a degree which I + never can recall without a distinct sense of annoyance, both at my own + want of care and at the disgusting consequences which it brought upon me. + </p> + <p> + Early one morning an old gentleman called, in a state of the utmost + agitation, and explained that he desired to consult the spirits as to a + heavy loss which he had experienced the night before. He had left, he + said, a sum of money in his pantaloons pocket upon going to bed. In the + morning he had changed his clothes and gone out, forgetting to remove the + notes. Returning in an hour in great haste, he discovered that the garment + still lay upon the chair where he had thrown it, but that the money was + missing. I at once desired him to be seated, and proceeded to ask him + certain questions, in a chatty way, about the habits of his household, the + amount lost, and the like, expecting thus to get some clue which would + enable me to make my spirits display the requisite share of sagacity in + pointing out the thief. I learned readily that he was an old and wealthy + man, a little close, too, I suspected, and that he lived in a large house + with but two servants, and an only son about twenty-one years old. The + servants were both women who had lived in the household many years, and + were probably innocent. Unluckily, remembering my own youthful career, I + presently reached the conclusion that the young man had been the + delinquent. When I ventured to inquire a little as to his habits, the old + gentleman cut me very short, remarking that he came to ask questions, and + not to be questioned, and that he desired at once to consult the spirits. + Upon this I sat down at a table, and, after a brief silence, demanded in a + solemn voice if there were any spirits present. By industriously cracking + my big toe-joint I was enabled to represent at once the presence of a + numerous assembly of these worthies. Then I inquired if any one of them + had been present when the robbery was effected. A prompt double knock + replied in the affirmative. I may say here, by the way, that the unanimity + of the spirits as to their use of two knocks for “yes” and one for “no” is + a very remarkable point, and shows, if it shows anything, how perfect and + universal must be the social intercourse of the respected departed. It is + worthy of note, also, that if the spirit—I will not say the medium—perceives + after one knock that it were wiser to say yes, he can conveniently add the + second tap. Some such arrangement in real life would, it appears to me, be + highly desirable. + </p> + <p> + It seemed that the spirit was that of Vidocq, the French detective. I had + just read a translation of his memoirs, and he seemed to me a very + available spirit to call upon. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I explained that the spirit who answered had been a witness of + the theft, the old man became strangely agitated. “Who was it?” said he. + At once the spirit indicated a desire to use the alphabet. As we went over + the letters,—always a slow method, but useful when you want to + observe excitable people,—my visitor kept saying, “Quicker—go + quicker.” At length the spirit spelled out the words, “I know not his + name.” + </p> + <p> + “Was it,” said the gentleman—“was it a—was it one of my + household?” + </p> + <p> + I knocked “yes” without hesitation; who else, indeed, could it have been? + </p> + <p> + “Excuse me,” he went on, “if I ask you for a little whisky.” + </p> + <p> + This I gave him. He continued: “Was it Susan or Ellen?” + </p> + <p> + “No, no!” + </p> + <p> + “Was it—” He paused. “If I ask a question mentally, will the spirits + reply?” I knew what he meant. He wanted to ask if it was his son, but did + not wish to speak openly. + </p> + <p> + “Ask,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “I have,” he returned. + </p> + <p> + I hesitated. It was rarely my policy to commit myself definitely, yet here + I fancied, from the facts of the case and his own terrible anxiety, that + he suspected, or more than suspected, his son as the guilty person. I + became sure of this as I studied his face. At all events, it would be easy + to deny or explain in case of trouble; and, after all, what slander was + there in two knocks? I struck twice as usual. + </p> + <p> + Instantly the old gentleman rose up, very white, but quite firm. “There,” + he said, and cast a bank-note on the table, “I thank you,” and bending his + head on his breast, walked, as I thought, with great effort out of the + room. + </p> + <p> + On the following morning, as I made my first appearance in my outer room, + which contained at least a dozen persons awaiting advice, who should I see + standing by the window but the old gentleman with sandy-gray hair? Along + with him was a stout young man with a head as red as mine, and mustache + and whiskers to match. Probably the son, I thought—ardent + temperament, remorse, come to confess, etc. I was never more mistaken in + my life. I was about to go regularly through my patients when the old + gentleman began to speak. + </p> + <p> + “I called, doctor,” said he, “to explain the little matter about which I—about + which I—” + </p> + <p> + “Troubled your spirits yesterday,” added the youth, jocosely, pulling his + mustache. + </p> + <p> + “Beg pardon,” I returned; “had we not better talk this over in private? + Come into my office,” I added, touching the younger man on the arm. + </p> + <p> + Would you believe it? he took out his handkerchief and dusted the place I + had touched. “Better not,” said he. “Go on, father; let us get done with + this den.” + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen,” said the elder person, addressing the patients, “I called + here yesterday, like a fool, to ask who had stolen from me a sum of money + which I believed I left in my room on going out in the morning. This + doctor here and his spirits contrived to make me suspect my only son. + Well, I charged him at once with the crime as soon as I got back home, and + what do you think he did? He said, ‘Father, let us go up-stairs and look + for it,’ and—” + </p> + <p> + Here the young man broke in with: “Come, father; don’t worry yourself for + nothing”; and then turning, added: “To cut the thing short, he found the + notes under his candle-stick, where he left them on going to bed. This is + all of it. We came here to stop this fellow” (by which he meant me) “from + carrying a slander further. I advise you, good people, to profit by the + matter, and to look up a more honest doctor, if doctoring be what you + want.” + </p> + <p> + As soon as he had ended, I remarked solemnly: “The words of the spirits + are not my words. Who shall hold them accountable?” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense,” said the young man. “Come, father”; and they left the room. + </p> + <p> + Now was the time to retrieve my character. “Gentlemen,” said I, “you have + heard this very singular account. Trusting the spirits utterly and + entirely as I do, it occurs to me that there is no reason why they may + not, after all, have been right in their suspicions of this young person. + Who can say that, overcome by remorse, he may not have seized the time of + his father’s absence to replace the money?” + </p> + <p> + To my amazement, up gets a little old man from the corner. “Well, you are + a low cuss!” said he, and taking up a basket beside him, hobbled hastily + out of the room. You may be sure I said some pretty sharp things to him, + for I was out of humor to begin with, and it is one thing to be insulted + by a stout young man, and quite another to be abused by a wretched old + cripple. However, he went away, and I supposed, for my part, that I was + done with the whole business. + </p> + <p> + An hour later, however, I heard a rough knock at my door, and opening it + hastily, saw my red-headed young man with the cripple. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” said the former, taking me by the collar, and pulling me into the + room among my patients, “I want to know, my man, if this doctor said that + it was likely I was the thief after all?” + </p> + <p> + “That’s what he said,” replied the cripple; “just about that, sir.” + </p> + <p> + I do not desire to dwell on the after conduct of this hot-headed young + man. It was the more disgraceful as I offered but little resistance, and + endured a beating such as I would have hesitated to inflict upon a dog. + Nor was this all. He warned me that if I dared to remain in the city after + a week he would shoot me. In the East I should have thought but little of + such a threat, but here it was only too likely to be practically carried + out. Accordingly, with my usual decision of character, but with much grief + and reluctance, I collected my whole fortune, which now amounted to at + least seven thousand dollars, and turned my back upon this ungrateful + town. I am sorry to say that I also left behind me the last of my good + luck. + </p> + <p> + I traveled in a leisurely way until I reached Boston. The country anywhere + would have been safer, but I do not lean to agricultural pursuits. It + seemed an agreeable city, and I decided to remain. + </p> + <p> + I took good rooms at Parker’s, and concluding to enjoy life, amused myself + in the company of certain, I may say uncertain, young women who danced at + some of the theaters. I played billiards, drank rather too much, drove + fast horses, and at the end of a delightful year was shocked to find + myself in debt, and with only seven dollars and fifty-three cents left—I + like to be accurate. I had only one resource: I determined to visit my + deaf aunt and Peninnah, and to see what I could do in the role of the + prodigal nephew. At all events, I should gain time to think of what new + enterprise I could take up; but, above all, I needed a little capital and + a house over my head. I had pawned nearly everything of any value which I + possessed. + </p> + <p> + I left my debts to gather interest, and went away to Woodbury. It was the + day before Christmas when I reached the little Jersey town, and it was + also by good luck Sunday. I was hungry and quite penniless. I wandered + about until church had begun, because I was sure then to find Aunt Rachel + and Peninnah out at the service, and I desired to explore a little. The + house was closed, and even the one servant absent. I got in with ease at + the back through the kitchen, and having at least an hour and a half free + from interruption, I made a leisurely search. The role of prodigal was + well enough, but here was a better chance and an indulgent opportunity. + </p> + <p> + In a few moments I found the famous Bible hid away under Aunt Rachel’s + mattress. The Bible bank was fat with notes, but I intended to be moderate + enough to escape suspicion. Here were quite two thousand dollars. I + resolved to take, just now, only one hundred, so as to keep a good + balance. Then, alas! I lit on a long envelop, my aunt’s will. Every cent + was left to Christ Church; not a dime to poor Pen or to me. I was in a + rage. I tore up the will and replaced the envelop. To treat poor Pen that + way—Pen of all people! There was a heap more will than testament, + for all it was in the Bible. After that I thought it was right to punish + the old witch, and so I took every note I could find. When I was through + with this business, I put back the Bible under the mattress, and observing + that I had been quite too long, I went downstairs with a keen desire to + leave the town as early as possible. I was tempted, however, to look + further, and was rewarded by finding in an old clock case a small reticule + stuffed with bank-notes. This I appropriated, and made haste to go out. I + was too late. As I went into the little entry to get my hat and coat, Aunt + Rachel entered, followed by Peninnah. + </p> + <p> + At sight of me my aunt cried out that I was a monster and fit for the + penitentiary. As she could not hear at all, she had the talk to herself, + and went by me and up-stairs, rumbling abuse like distant thunder + overhead. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile I was taken up with Pen. The pretty fool was seated on a chair, + all dressed up in her Sunday finery, and rocking backward and forward, + crying, “Oh, oh, ah!” like a lamb saying, “Baa, baa, baa!” She never had + much sense. I had to shake her to get a reasonable word. She mopped her + eyes, and I heard her gasp out that my aunt had at last decided that I was + the person who had thinned her hoards. This was bad, but involved less + inconvenience than it might have done an hour earlier. Amid tears Pen told + me that a detective had been at the house inquiring for me. When this + happened it seems that the poor little goose had tried to fool deaf Aunt + Rachel with some made-up story as to the man having come about taxes. I + suppose the girl was not any too sharp, and the old woman, I guess, read + enough from merely seeing the man’s lips. You never could keep anything + from her, and she was both curious and suspicious. She assured the officer + that I was a thief, and hoped I might be caught. I could not learn whether + the man told Pen any particulars, but as I was slowly getting at the facts + we heard a loud scream and a heavy fall. + </p> + <p> + Pen said, “Oh, oh!” and we hurried upstairs. There was the old woman on + the floor, her face twitching to right, and her breathing a sort of hoarse + croak. The big Bible lay open on the floor, and I knew what had happened. + It was a fit of apoplexy. + </p> + <p> + At this very unpleasant sight Pen seemed to recover her wits, and said: + “Go away, go away! Oh, brother, brother, now I know you have stolen her + money and killed her, and—and I loved you, I was so proud of you! + Oh, oh!” + </p> + <p> + This was all very fine, but the advice was good. I said: “Yes, I had + better go. Run and get some one—a doctor. It is a fit of hysterics; + there is no danger. I will write to you. You are quite mistaken.” + </p> + <p> + This was too feeble even for Pen, and she cried: + </p> + <p> + “No, never; I never want to see you again. You would kill me next.” + </p> + <p> + “Stuff!” said I, and ran down-stairs. I seized my coat and hat, and went + to the tavern, where I got a man to drive me to Camden. I have never seen + Pen since. As I crossed the ferry to Philadelphia I saw that I should have + asked when the detective had been after me. I suspected from Pen’s terror + that it had been recently. + </p> + <p> + It was Sunday and, as I reminded myself, the day before Christmas. The + ground was covered with snow, and as I walked up Market street my feet + were soon soaked. In my haste I had left my overshoes. I was very cold, + and, as I now see, foolishly fearful. I kept thinking of what a + conspicuous thing a fire-red head is, and of how many people knew me. As I + reached Woodbury early and without a cent, I had eaten nothing all day. I + relied on Pen. + </p> + <p> + Now I concluded to go down into my old neighborhood and get a lodging + where no references were asked. Next day I would secure a disguise and get + out of the way. I had passed the day without food, as I have just said, + and having ample means, concluded to go somewhere and get a good dinner. + It was now close to three in the afternoon. I was aware of two things: + that I was making many plans, and giving them up as soon as made; and that + I was suddenly afraid without cause, afraid to enter an eating-house, and + in fear of every man I met. + </p> + <p> + I went on, feeling more and more chilly. When a man is really cold his + mind does not work well, and now it was blowing a keen gale from the + north. At Second and South I came plump on a policeman I knew. He looked + at me through the drifting snow, as if he was uncertain, and twice looked + back after having passed me. I turned west at Christian street. When I + looked behind me the man was standing at the corner, staring after me. At + the next turn I hurried away northward in a sort of anguish of terror. I + have said I was an uncommon person. I am. I am sensitive, too. My mind is + much above the average, but unless I am warm and well fed it does not act + well, and I make mistakes. At that time I was half frozen, in need of + food, and absurdly scared. Then that old fool squirming on the floor got + on to my nerves. I went on and on, and at last into Second street, until I + came to Christ Church, of all places for me. I heard the sound of the + organ in the afternoon service. I felt I must go in and get warm. Here was + another silly notion: I was afraid of hotels, but not of the church. I + reasoned vaguely that it was a dark day, and darker in the church, and so + I went in at the Church Alley entrance and sat near the north door. No one + noticed me. I sat still in a high-backed pew, well hid, and wondering what + was the matter with me. It was curious that a doctor, and a man of my + intelligence, should have been long in guessing a thing so simple. + </p> + <p> + For two months I had been drinking hard, and for two days had quit, being + a man capable of great self-control, and also being short of money. Just + before the benediction I saw a man near by who seemed to stare at me. In + deadly fear I got up and quickly slipped through a door into the tower + room. I said to myself, “He will follow me or wait outside.” I stood a + moment with my head all of a whirl, and then in a shiver of fear ran up + the stairs to the tower until I got into the bell-ringer’s room. I was + safe. I sat down on a stool, twitching and tremulous. There were the old + books on bell-ringing, and the miniature chime of small bells for + instruction. The wind had easy entrance, and it swung the eight ropes + about in a way I did not like. I remember saying, “Oh, don’t do that.” At + last I had a mad desire to ring one of the bells. As a loop of rope swung + toward me it seemed to hold a face, and this face cried out, “Come and + hang yourself; then the bell will ring.” + </p> + <p> + If I slept I do not know. I may have done so. Certainly I must have stayed + there many hours. I was dull and confused, and yet on my guard, for when + far into the night I heard noises below, I ran up the steeper steps which + ascend to the steeple, where are the bells. Half-way up I sat down on the + stair. The place was cold and the darkness deep. Then I heard the eight + ringers down below. One said: “Never knowed a Christmas like this since + Zeb Sanderaft died. Come, boys!” I knew it must be close on to midnight. + Now they would play a Christmas carol. I used every Christmas to be roused + up and carried here and set on dad’s shoulder. When they were done + ringing, Number Two always gave me a box of sugar-plums and a large red + apple. As they rang off, my father would cry out, “One, two,” and so on, + and then cry, “Elias, all over town people are opening windows to listen.” + I seemed to hear him as I sat in the gloom. Then I heard, “All ready; one, + two,” and they rang the Christmas carol. Overhead I heard the great bells + ringing out: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + And all the bells on earth shall ring + On Christmas day, on Christmas day. +</pre> + <p> + I felt suddenly excited, and began to hum the air. Great heavens! There + was the old woman, Aunt Rachel, with her face going twitch, twitch, the + croak of her breathing keeping a sort of mad time with “On Christmas day, + on Christmas day.” I jumped up. She was gone. I knew in a hazy sort of way + what was the matter with me, but I had still the sense to sit down and + wait. I said now it would be snakes, for once before I had been almost as + bad. But what I did see was a little curly-headed boy in a white frock and + pantalets, climbing up the stairs right leg first; so queer of me to have + noticed that. I knew I was that boy. He was an innocent-looking little + chap, and was smiling. He seemed to me to grow and grow, and at last was a + big, red-headed man with a live rat in his hand. I saw nothing more, but I + surely knew I needed whisky. I waited until all was still, and got down + and out, for I knew every window. I soon found a tavern, and got a drink + and some food. At once my fear left me. I was warm at last and clear of + head, and had again my natural courage. I was well aware that I was on the + edge of delirium tremens and must be most prudent. I paid in advance for + my room and treated myself as I had done many another. Only a man of + unusual force could have managed his own case as I did. I went out only at + night, and in a week was well enough to travel. During this time I saw now + and then that grinning little fellow. Sometimes he had an apple and was + eating it. I do not know why he was worse to me than snakes, or the + twitchy old woman with her wide eyes of glass, and that jerk, jerk, to + right. + </p> + <p> + I decided to go back to Boston. I got to New York prudently in a + roundabout way, and in two weeks’ time was traveling east from Albany. + </p> + <p> + I felt well, and my spirits began at last to rise to their usual level. + When I arrived in Boston I set myself to thinking how best I could + contrive to enjoy life and at the same time to increase my means. I + possessed sufficient capital, and was able and ready to embark in whatever + promised the best returns with the smallest personal risks. I settled + myself in a suburb, paid off a few pressing claims, and began to reflect + with my ordinary sagacity. + </p> + <p> + We were now in the midst of a most absurd war with the South, and it was + becoming difficult to escape the net of conscription. It might be wise to + think of this in time. Europe seemed a desirable residence, but I needed + more money to make this agreeable, and an investment for my brains was + what I wanted most. Many schemes presented themselves as worthy the + application of industry and talent, but none of them altogether suited my + case. I thought at times of traveling as a physiological lecturer, + combining with it the business of a practitioner: scare the audience at + night with an enumeration of symptoms which belong to ten out of every + dozen healthy people, and then doctor such of them as are gulls enough to + consult me next day. The bigger the fright the better the pay. I was a + little timid, however, about facing large audiences, as a man will be + naturally if he has lived a life of adventure, so that upon due + consideration I gave up the idea altogether. + </p> + <p> + The patent medicine business also looked well enough, but it is somewhat + overdone at all times, and requires a heavy outlay, with the probable + result of ill success. Indeed, I believe one hundred quack remedies fail + for one that succeeds, and millions must have been wasted in placards, + bills, and advertisements, which never returned half their value to the + speculator. I think I shall some day beguile my time with writing an + account of the principal quack remedies which have met with success. They + are few in number, after all, as any one must know who recalls the + countless pills and tonics which are puffed awhile on the fences, and + disappear, to be heard of no more. + </p> + <p> + Lastly, I inclined for a while to undertake a private insane asylum, which + appeared to me to offer facilities for money-making, as to which, however, + I may have been deceived by the writings of certain popular novelists. I + went so far, I may say, as actually to visit Concord for the purpose of + finding a pleasant locality and a suitable atmosphere. Upon reflection I + abandoned my plans, as involving too much personal labor to suit one of my + easy frame of mind. + </p> + <p> + Tired at last of idleness and lounging on the Common, I engaged in two or + three little ventures of a semi-professional character, such as an + exhibition of laughing-gas, advertising to cure cancer,—“Send + twenty-five stamps by mail to J. B., and receive an infallible receipt,”—etc. + I did not find, however, that these little enterprises prospered well in + New England, and I had recalled very forcibly a story which my father was + fond of relating to me in my boyhood. It was about how certain very + knowing flies went to get molasses, and how it ended by the molasses + getting them. This, indeed, was precisely what happened to me in all my + efforts to better myself in the Northern States, until at length my + misfortunes climaxed in total and unexpected ruin. + </p> + <p> + Having been very economical, I had now about twenty-seven hundred dollars. + It was none too much. At this time I made the acquaintance of a + sea-captain from Maine. He told me that he and two others had chartered a + smart little steamer to run to Jamaica with a variety cargo. In fact, he + meant to run into Wilmington or Charleston, and he was to carry quinine, + chloroform, and other medical requirements for the Confederates. He needed + twenty-five hundred dollars more, and a doctor to buy the kind of things + which army surgeons require. Of course I was prudent and he careful, but + at last, on his proving to me that there was no risk, I agreed to expend + his money, his friends’, and my own up to twenty-five hundred dollars. I + saw the other men, one of them a rebel captain. I was well pleased with + the venture, and resolved for obvious reasons to go with them on the + steamer. It was a promising investment, and I am free to reflect that in + this, as in some other things, I have been free from vulgar prejudices. I + bought all that we needed, and was well satisfied when it was cleverly + stowed away in the hold. + </p> + <p> + We were to sail on a certain Thursday morning in September, 1863. I sent + my trunk to the vessel, and went down the evening before we were to start + to go on board, but found that the little steamer had been hauled out from + the pier. The captain, who met me at this time, endeavored to get a boat + to ferry us to the ship; but a gale was blowing, and he advised me to wait + until morning. My associates were already on board. Early next day I + dressed and went to the captain’s room, which proved to be empty. I was + instantly filled with doubt, and ran frantically to the Long Wharf, where, + to my horror, I could see no signs of the vessel or captain. Neither have + I ever set eyes on them from that time to this. I thought of lodging + information with the police as to the unpatriotic design of the rascal who + swindled me, but on the whole concluded that it was best to hold my + tongue. + </p> + <p> + It was, as I perceived, such utterly spilt milk as to be little worth + lamenting, and I therefore set to work, with my accustomed energy, to + utilize on my own behalf the resources of my medical education, which so + often before had saved me from want. The war, then raging at its height, + appeared to offer numerous opportunities to men of talent. The path which + I chose was apparently a humble one, but it enabled me to make very + practical use of my professional knowledge, and afforded for a time rapid + and secure returns, without any other investment than a little knowledge + cautiously employed. In the first place, I deposited my small remnant of + property in a safe bank. Then I went to Providence, where, as I had heard, + patriotic persons were giving very large bounties in order, I suppose, to + insure the government the services of better men than themselves. On my + arrival I lost no time in offering myself as a substitute, and was readily + accepted, and very soon mustered into the Twentieth Rhode Island. Three + months were passed in camp, during which period I received bounty to the + extent of six hundred and fifty dollars, with which I tranquilly deserted + about two hours before the regiment left for the field. With the product + of my industry I returned to Boston, and deposited all but enough to carry + me to New York, where within a month I enlisted twice, earning on each + occasion four hundred dollars. + </p> + <p> + After this I thought it wise to try the same game in some of the smaller + towns near to Philadelphia. I approached my birthplace with a good deal of + doubt; but I selected a regiment in camp at Norristown, which is eighteen + miles away. Here I got nearly seven hundred dollars by entering the + service as a substitute for an editor, whose pen, I presume, was mightier + than his sword. I was, however, disagreeably surprised by being hastily + forwarded to the front under a foxy young lieutenant, who brutally shot + down a poor devil in the streets of Baltimore for attempting to desert. At + this point I began to make use of my medical skill, for I did not in the + least degree fancy being shot, either because of deserting or of not + deserting. It happened, therefore, that a day or two later, while in + Washington, I was seized in the street with a fit, which perfectly imposed + upon the officer in charge, and caused him to leave me at the Douglas + Hospital. Here I found it necessary to perform fits about twice a week, + and as there were several real epileptics in the ward, I had a capital + chance of studying their symptoms, which, finally, I learned to imitate + with the utmost cleverness. + </p> + <p> + I soon got to know three or four men who, like myself, were personally + averse to bullets, and who were simulating other forms of disease with + more or less success. One of them suffered with rheumatism of the back, + and walked about like an old man; another, who had been to the front, was + palsied in the right arm. A third kept open an ulcer on the leg, rubbing + in a little antimonial ointment, which I bought at fifty cents, and sold + him at five dollars a box. + </p> + <p> + A change in the hospital staff brought all of us to grief. The new surgeon + was a quiet, gentlemanly person, with pleasant blue eyes and clearly cut + features, and a way of looking at you without saying much. I felt so safe + myself that I watched his procedures with just that kind of enjoyment + which one clever man takes in seeing another at work. + </p> + <p> + The first inspection settled two of us. + </p> + <p> + “Another back case,” said the assistant surgeon to his senior. + </p> + <p> + “Back hurt you?” says the latter, mildly. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir; run over by a howitzer; ain’t never been able to stand straight + since.” + </p> + <p> + “A howitzer!” says the surgeon. “Lean forward, my man, so as to touch the + floor—so. That will do.” Then turning to his aid, he said, “Prepare + this man’s discharge papers.” + </p> + <p> + “His discharge, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; I said that. Who’s next?” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, sir,” groaned the man with the back. “How soon, sir, do you + think it will be?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, not less than a month,” replied the surgeon, and passed on. + </p> + <p> + Now, as it was unpleasant to be bent like the letter C, and as the patient + presumed that his discharge was secure, he naturally allowed himself a + little relaxation in the way of becoming straighter. Unluckily, those nice + blue eyes were everywhere at all hours, and one fine morning Smithson was + appalled at finding himself in a detachment bound for the field, and + bearing on his descriptive list an ill-natured indorsement about his + malady. + </p> + <p> + The surgeon came next on O’Callahan, standing, like each of us, at the + foot of his own bed. + </p> + <p> + “I’ve paralytics in my arm,” he said, with intention to explain his + failure to salute his superior. + </p> + <p> + “Humph!” said the surgeon; “you have another hand.” + </p> + <p> + “An’ it’s not the rigulation to saloot with yer left,” said the Irishman, + with a grin, while the patients around us began to smile. + </p> + <p> + “How did it happen?” said the surgeon. + </p> + <p> + “I was shot in the shoulder,” answered the patient, “about three months + ago, sir. I haven’t stirred it since.” + </p> + <p> + The surgeon looked at the scar. + </p> + <p> + “So recently?” said he. “The scar looks older; and, by the way, doctor,”—to + his junior,—“it could not have gone near the nerves. Bring the + battery, orderly.” + </p> + <p> + In a few moments the surgeon was testing one after another, the various + muscles. At last he stopped. “Send this man away with the next detachment. + Not a word, my man. You are a rascal, and a disgrace to honest men who + have been among bullets.” + </p> + <p> + The man muttered something, I did not hear what. + </p> + <p> + “Put this man in the guard-house,” cried the surgeon, and so passed on + without smile or frown. + </p> + <p> + As to the ulcer case, to my amusement he was put in bed, and his leg + locked up in a wooden splint, which effectually prevented him from + touching the part diseased. It healed in ten days, and he too went as food + for powder. + </p> + <p> + The surgeon asked me a few questions, and requesting to be sent for during + my next fit, left me alone. + </p> + <p> + I was, of course, on my guard, and took care to have my attacks only + during his absence, or to have them over before he arrived. At length, one + morning, in spite of my care, he chanced to enter the ward as I fell on + the floor. I was laid on the bed, apparently in strong convulsions. + Presently I felt a finger on my eyelid, and as it was raised, saw the + surgeon standing beside me. To escape his scrutiny I became more violent + in my motions. He stopped a moment and looked at me steadily. “Poor + fellow!” said he, to my great relief, as I felt at once that I had + successfully deceived him. Then he turned to the ward doctor and remarked: + “Take care he does not hurt his head against the bed; and, by the by, + doctor, do you remember the test we applied in Carstairs’s case? Just + tickle the soles of his feet and see if it will cause those backward + spasms of the head.” + </p> + <p> + The aid obeyed him, and, very naturally, I jerked my head backward as hard + as I could. + </p> + <p> + “That will answer,” said the surgeon, to my horror. “A clever rogue. Send + him to the guard-house.” + </p> + <p> + Happy had I been had my ill luck ended here, but as I crossed the yard an + officer stopped me. To my disgust, it was the captain of my old Rhode + Island company. + </p> + <p> + “Hello!” said he; “keep that fellow safe. I know him.” + </p> + <p> + To cut short a long story, I was tried, convicted, and forced to refund + the Rhode Island bounty, for by ill luck they found my bank-book among my + papers. I was finally sent to Fort Delaware and kept at hard labor, + handling and carrying shot, policing the ground, picking up cigar-stumps, + and other light, unpleasant occupations. + </p> + <p> + When the war was over I was released. I went at once to Boston, where I + had about four hundred dollars in bank. I spent nearly all of this sum + before I could satisfy the accumulated cravings of a year and a half + without drink or tobacco, or a decent meal. I was about to engage in a + little business as a vender of lottery policies when I first began to feel + a strange sense of lassitude, which soon increased so as quite to disable + me from work of any kind. Month after month passed away, while my money + lessened, and this terrible sense of weariness went on from bad to worse. + At last one day, after nearly a year had elapsed, I perceived on my face a + large brown patch of color, in consequence of which I went in some alarm + to consult a well-known physician. He asked me a multitude of tiresome + questions, and at last wrote off a prescription, which I immediately read. + It was a preparation of arsenic. + </p> + <p> + “What do you think,” said I, “is the matter with me, doctor?” + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid,” said he, “that you have a very serious trouble—what + we call Addison’s disease.” + </p> + <p> + “What’s that?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “I do not think you would comprehend it,” he replied; “it is an affection + of the suprarenal capsules.” + </p> + <p> + I dimly remembered that there were such organs, and that nobody knew what + they were meant for. It seemed that doctors had found a use for them at + last. + </p> + <p> + “Is it a dangerous disease?” I said. + </p> + <p> + “I fear so,” he answered. + </p> + <p> + “Don’t you really know,” I asked, “what’s the truth about it?” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” he returned gravely, “I’m sorry to tell you it is a very dangerous + malady.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense!” said I; “I don’t believe it”; for I thought it was only a + doctor’s trick, and one I had tried often enough myself. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you,” said he; “you are a very ill man, and a fool besides. Good + morning.” He forgot to ask for a fee, and I did not therefore find it + necessary to escape payment by telling him I was a doctor. + </p> + <p> + Several weeks went by; my money was gone, my clothes were ragged, and, + like my body, nearly worn out, and now I am an inmate of a hospital. + To-day I feel weaker than when I first began to write. How it will end, I + do not know. If I die, the doctor will get this pleasant history, and if I + live, I shall burn it, and as soon as I get a little money I will set out + to look for my sister. I dreamed about her last night. What I dreamed was + not very agreeable. I thought it was night. I was walking up one of the + vilest streets near my old office, and a girl spoke to me—a + shameless, worn creature, with great sad eyes. Suddenly she screamed, + “Brother, brother!” and then remembering what she had been, with her + round, girlish, innocent face and fair hair, and seeing what she was now, + I awoke and saw the dim light of the half-darkened ward. + </p> + <p> + I am better to-day. Writing all this stuff has amused me and, I think, + done me good. That was a horrid dream I had. I suppose I must tear up all + this biography. + </p> + <p> + “Hello, nurse! The little boy—boy—” + </p> + <p> + “GOOD HEAVENS!” said the nurse, “he is dead! Dr. Alston said it would + happen this way. The screen, quick—the screen—and let the + doctor know.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE CASE OF GEORGE DEDLOW + </h2> + <p> + The following notes of my own case have been declined on various pretests + by every medical journal to which I have offered them. There was, perhaps, + some reason in this, because many of the medical facts which they record + are not altogether new, and because the psychical deductions to which they + have led me are not in themselves of medical interest. I ought to add that + a great deal of what is here related is not of any scientific value + whatsoever; but as one or two people on whose judgment I rely have advised + me to print my narrative with all the personal details, rather than in the + dry shape in which, as a psychological statement, I shall publish it + elsewhere, I have yielded to their views. I suspect, however, that the + very character of my record will, in the eyes of some of my readers, tend + to lessen the value of the metaphysical discoveries which it sets forth. + </p> + <p> + I am the son of a physician, still in large practice, in the village of + Abington, Scofield County, Indiana. Expecting to act as his future + partner, I studied medicine in his office, and in 1859 and 1860 attended + lectures at the Jefferson Medical College in Philadelphia. My second + course should have been in the following year, but the outbreak of the + Rebellion so crippled my father’s means that I was forced to abandon my + intention. The demand for army surgeons at this time became very great; + and although not a graduate, I found no difficulty in getting the place of + assistant surgeon to the Tenth Indiana Volunteers. In the subsequent + Western campaigns this organization suffered so severely that before the + term of its service was over it was merged in the Twenty-first Indiana + Volunteers; and I, as an extra surgeon, ranked by the medical officers of + the latter regiment, was transferred to the Fifteenth Indiana Cavalry. + Like many physicians, I had contracted a strong taste for army life, and, + disliking cavalry service, sought and obtained the position of first + lieutenant in the Seventy-ninth Indiana Volunteers, an infantry regiment + of excellent character. + </p> + <p> + On the day after I assumed command of my company, which had no captain, we + were sent to garrison a part of a line of block-houses stretching along + the Cumberland River below Nashville, then occupied by a portion of the + command of General Rosecrans. + </p> + <p> + The life we led while on this duty was tedious and at the same time + dangerous in the extreme. Food was scarce and bad, the water horrible, and + we had no cavalry to forage for us. If, as infantry, we attempted to levy + supplies upon the scattered farms around us, the population seemed + suddenly to double, and in the shape of guerrillas “potted” us + industriously from behind distant trees, rocks, or fences. Under these + various and unpleasant influences, combined with a fair infusion of + malaria, our men rapidly lost health and spirits. Unfortunately, no proper + medical supplies had been forwarded with our small force (two companies), + and, as the fall advanced, the want of quinine and stimulants became a + serious annoyance. Moreover, our rations were running low; we had been + three weeks without a new supply; and our commanding officer, Major Henry + L. Terrill, began to be uneasy as to the safety of his men. About this + time it was supposed that a train with rations would be due from the post + twenty miles to the north of us; yet it was quite possible that it would + bring us food, but no medicines, which were what we most needed. The + command was too small to detach any part of it, and the major therefore + resolved to send an officer alone to the post above us, where the rest of + the Seventy-ninth lay, and whence they could easily forward quinine and + stimulants by the train, if it had not left, or, if it had, by a small + cavalry escort. + </p> + <p> + It so happened, to my cost, as it turned out, that I was the only officer + fit to make the journey, and I was accordingly ordered to proceed to + Blockhouse No. 3 and make the required arrangements. I started alone just + after dusk the next night, and during the darkness succeeded in getting + within three miles of my destination. At this time I found that I had lost + my way, and, although aware of the danger of my act, was forced to turn + aside and ask at a log cabin for directions. The house contained a + dried-up old woman and four white-headed, half-naked children. The woman + was either stone-deaf or pretended to be so; but, at all events, she gave + me no satisfaction, and I remounted and rode away. On coming to the end of + a lane, into which I had turned to seek the cabin, I found to my surprise + that the bars had been put up during my brief parley. They were too high + to leap, and I therefore dismounted to pull them down. As I touched the + top rail, I heard a rifle, and at the same instant felt a blow on both + arms, which fell helpless. I staggered to my horse and tried to mount; + but, as I could use neither arm, the effort was vain, and I therefore + stood still, awaiting my fate. I am only conscious that I saw about me + several graybacks, for I must have fallen fainting almost immediately. + </p> + <p> + When I awoke I was lying in the cabin near by, upon a pile of rubbish. Ten + or twelve guerrillas were gathered about the fire, apparently drawing lots + for my watch, boots, hat, etc. I now made an effort to find out how far I + was hurt. I discovered that I could use the left forearm and hand pretty + well, and with this hand I felt the right limb all over until I touched + the wound. The ball had passed from left to right through the left biceps, + and directly through the right arm just below the shoulder, emerging + behind. The right arm and forearm were cold and perfectly insensible. I + pinched them as well as I could, to test the amount of sensation + remaining; but the hand might as well have been that of a dead man. I + began to understand that the nerves had been wounded, and that the part + was utterly powerless. By this time my friends had pretty well divided the + spoils, and, rising together, went out. The old woman then came to me, and + said: “Reckon you’d best git up. They-’uns is a-goin’ to take you away.” + To this I only answered, “Water, water.” I had a grim sense of amusement + on finding that the old woman was not deaf, for she went out, and + presently came back with a gourdful, which I eagerly drank. An hour later + the graybacks returned, and finding that I was too weak to walk, carried + me out and laid me on the bottom of a common cart, with which they set off + on a trot. The jolting was horrible, but within an hour I began to have in + my dead right hand a strange burning, which was rather a relief to me. It + increased as the sun rose and the day grew warm, until I felt as if the + hand was caught and pinched in a red-hot vise. Then in my agony I begged + my guard for water to wet it with, but for some reason they desired + silence, and at every noise threatened me with a revolver. At length the + pain became absolutely unendurable, and I grew what it is the fashion to + call demoralized. I screamed, cried, and yelled in my torture, until, as I + suppose, my captors became alarmed, and, stopping, gave me a handkerchief,—my + own, I fancy,—and a canteen of water, with which I wetted the hand, + to my unspeakable relief. + </p> + <p> + It is unnecessary to detail the events by which, finally, I found myself + in one of the rebel hospitals near Atlanta. Here, for the first time, my + wounds were properly cleansed and dressed by a Dr. Oliver T. Wilson, who + treated me throughout with great kindness. I told him I had been a doctor, + which, perhaps, may have been in part the cause of the unusual tenderness + with which I was managed. The left arm was now quite easy, although, as + will be seen, it never entirely healed. The right arm was worse than ever—the + humerus broken, the nerves wounded, and the hand alive only to pain. I use + this phrase because it is connected in my mind with a visit from a local + visitor,—I am not sure he was a preacher,—who used to go daily + through the wards, and talk to us or write our letters. One morning he + stopped at my bed, when this little talk occurred: + </p> + <p> + “How are you, lieutenant?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh,” said I, “as usual. All right, but this hand, which is dead except to + pain.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” said he, “such and thus will the wicked be—such will you be if + you die in your sins: you will go where only pain can be felt. For all + eternity, all of you will be just like that hand—knowing pain only.” + </p> + <p> + I suppose I was very weak, but somehow I felt a sudden and chilling horror + of possible universal pain, and suddenly fainted. When I awoke the hand + was worse, if that could be. It was red, shining, aching, burning, and, as + it seemed to me, perpetually rasped with hot files. When the doctor came I + begged for morphia. He said gravely: “We have none. You know you don’t + allow it to pass the lines.” It was sadly true. + </p> + <p> + I turned to the wall, and wetted the hand again, my sole relief. In about + an hour Dr. Wilson came back with two aids, and explained to me that the + bone was so crushed as to make it hopeless to save it, and that, besides, + amputation offered some chance of arresting the pain. I had thought of + this before, but the anguish I felt—I cannot say endured—was + so awful that I made no more of losing the limb than of parting with a + tooth on account of toothache. Accordingly, brief preparations were made, + which I watched with a sort of eagerness such as must forever be + inexplicable to any one who has not passed six weeks of torture like that + which I had suffered. + </p> + <p> + I had but one pang before the operation. As I arranged myself on the left + side, so as to make it convenient for the operator to use the knife, I + asked: “Who is to give me the ether?” “We have none,” said the person + questioned. I set my teeth, and said no more. + </p> + <p> + I need not describe the operation. The pain felt was severe, but it was + insignificant as compared with that of any other minute of the past six + weeks. The limb was removed very near to the shoulder-joint. As the second + incision was made, I felt a strange flash of pain play through the limb, + as if it were in every minutest fibril of nerve. This was followed by + instant, unspeakable relief, and before the flaps were brought together I + was sound asleep. I dimly remember saying, as I pointed to the arm which + lay on the floor: “There is the pain, and here am I. How queer!” Then I + slept—slept the sleep of the just, or, better, of the painless. From + this time forward I was free from neuralgia. At a subsequent period I saw + a number of cases similar to mine in a hospital in Philadelphia. + </p> + <p> + It is no part of my plan to detail my weary months of monotonous prison + life in the South. In the early part of April, 1863, I was exchanged, and + after the usual thirty days’ furlough returned to my regiment a captain. + </p> + <p> + On the 19th of September, 1863, occurred the battle of Chickamauga, in + which my regiment took a conspicuous part. The close of our own share in + this contest is, as it were, burned into my memory with every least + detail. It was about 6 P. M., when we found ourselves in line, under cover + of a long, thin row of scrubby trees, beyond which lay a gentle slope, + from which, again, rose a hill rather more abrupt, and crowned with an + earthwork. We received orders to cross this space and take the fort in + front, while a brigade on our right was to make a like movement on its + flank. + </p> + <p> + Just before we emerged into the open ground, we noticed what, I think, was + common in many fights—that the enemy had begun to bowl round shot at + us, probably from failure of shell. We passed across the valley in good + order, although the men fell rapidly all along the line. As we climbed the + hill, our pace slackened, and the fire grew heavier. At this moment a + battery opened on our left, the shots crossing our heads obliquely. It is + this moment which is so printed on my recollection. I can see now, as if + through a window, the gray smoke, lit with red flashes, the long, wavering + line, the sky blue above, the trodden furrows, blotted with blue blouses. + Then it was as if the window closed, and I knew and saw no more. No other + scene in my life is thus scarred, if I may say so, into my memory. I have + a fancy that the horrible shock which suddenly fell upon me must have had + something to do with thus intensifying the momentary image then before my + eyes. + </p> + <p> + When I awakened, I was lying under a tree somewhere at the rear. The + ground was covered with wounded, and the doctors were busy at an + operating-table, improvised from two barrels and a plank. At length two of + them who were examining the wounded about me came up to where I lay. A + hospital steward raised my head and poured down some brandy and water, + while another cut loose my pantaloons. The doctors exchanged looks and + walked away. I asked the steward where I was hit. + </p> + <p> + “Both thighs,” said he; “the doctors won’t do nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “No use?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Not much,” said he. + </p> + <p> + “Not much means none at all,” I answered. + </p> + <p> + When he had gone I set myself to thinking about a good many things I had + better have thought of before, but which in no way concern the history of + my case. A half-hour went by. I had no pain, and did not get weaker. At + last, I cannot explain why, I began to look about me. At first things + appeared a little hazy. I remember one thing which thrilled me a little, + even then. + </p> + <p> + A tall, blond-bearded major walked up to a doctor near me, saying, “When + you’ve a little leisure, just take a look at my side.” + </p> + <p> + “Do it now,” said the doctor. + </p> + <p> + The officer exposed his wound. “Ball went in here, and out there.” + </p> + <p> + The doctor looked up at him—half pity, half amazement. “If you’ve + got any message, you’d best send it by me.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, you don’t say it’s serious?” was the reply. + </p> + <p> + “Serious! Why, you’re shot through the stomach. You won’t live over the + day.” + </p> + <p> + Then the man did what struck me as a very odd thing. He said, “Anybody got + a pipe?” Some one gave him a pipe. He filled it deliberately, struck a + light with a flint, and sat down against a tree near to me. Presently the + doctor came to him again, and asked him what he could do for him. + </p> + <p> + “Send me a drink of Bourbon.” + </p> + <p> + “Anything else?” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + As the doctor left him, he called him back. “It’s a little rough, doc, + isn’t it?” + </p> + <p> + No more passed, and I saw this man no longer. Another set of doctors were + handling my legs, for the first time causing pain. A moment after a + steward put a towel over my mouth, and I smelled the familiar odor of + chloroform, which I was glad enough to breathe. In a moment the trees + began to move around from left to right, faster and faster; then a + universal grayness came before me,—and I recall nothing further + until I awoke to consciousness in a hospital-tent. I got hold of my own + identity in a moment or two, and was suddenly aware of a sharp cramp in my + left leg. I tried to get at it to rub it with my single arm, but, finding + myself too weak, hailed an attendant. “Just rub my left calf,” said I, “if + you please.” + </p> + <p> + “Calf?” said he. “You ain’t none. It’s took off.” + </p> + <p> + “I know better,” said I. “I have pain in both legs.” + </p> + <p> + “Wall, I never!” said he. “You ain’t got nary leg.” + </p> + <p> + As I did not believe him, he threw off the covers, and, to my horror, + showed me that I had suffered amputation of both thighs, very high up. + </p> + <p> + “That will do,” said I, faintly. + </p> + <p> + A month later, to the amazement of every one, I was so well as to be moved + from the crowded hospital at Chattanooga to Nashville, where I filled one + of the ten thousand beds of that vast metropolis of hospitals. Of the + sufferings which then began I shall presently speak. It will be best just + now to detail the final misfortune which here fell upon me. Hospital No. + 2, in which I lay, was inconveniently crowded with severely wounded + officers. After my third week an epidemic of hospital gangrene broke out + in my ward. In three days it attacked twenty persons. Then an inspector + came, and we were transferred at once to the open air, and placed in + tents. Strangely enough, the wound in my remaining arm, which still + suppurated, was seized with gangrene. The usual remedy, bromine, was used + locally, but the main artery opened, was tied, bled again and again, and + at last, as a final resort, the remaining arm was amputated at the + shoulder-joint. Against all chances I recovered, to find myself a useless + torso, more like some strange larval creature than anything of human + shape. Of my anguish and horror of myself I dare not speak. I have + dictated these pages, not to shock my readers, but to possess them with + facts in regard to the relation of the mind to the body; and I hasten, + therefore, to such portions of my case as best illustrate these views. + </p> + <p> + In January, 1864, I was forwarded to Philadelphia, in order to enter what + was known as the Stump Hospital, South street, then in charge of Dr. + Hopkinson. This favor was obtained through the influence of my father’s + friend, the late Governor Anderson, who has always manifested an interest + in my case, for which I am deeply grateful. It was thought, at the time, + that Mr. Palmer, the leg-maker, might be able to adapt some form of arm to + my left shoulder, as on that side there remained five inches of the + arm-bone, which I could move to a moderate extent. The hope proved + illusory, as the stump was always too tender to bear any pressure. The + hospital referred to was in charge of several surgeons while I was an + inmate, and was at all times a clean and pleasant home. It was filled with + men who had lost one arm or leg, or one of each, as happened now and then. + I saw one man who had lost both legs, and one who had parted with both + arms; but none, like myself, stripped of every limb. There were collected + in this place hundreds of these cases, which gave to it, with reason + enough, the not very pleasing title of Stump Hospital. + </p> + <p> + I spent here three and a half months, before my transfer to the United + States Army Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of the Nervous System. + Every morning I was carried out in an arm-chair and placed in the library, + where some one was always ready to write or read for me, or to fill my + pipe. The doctors lent me medical books; the ladies brought me luxuries + and fed me; and, save that I was helpless to a degree which was + humiliating, I was as comfortable as kindness could make me. + </p> + <p> + I amused myself at this time by noting in my mind all that I could learn + from other limbless folk, and from myself, as to the peculiar feelings + which were noticed in regard to lost members. I found that the great mass + of men who had undergone amputations for many months felt the usual + consciousness that they still had the lost limb. It itched or pained, or + was cramped, but never felt hot or cold. If they had painful sensations + referred to it, the conviction of its existence continued unaltered for + long periods; but where no pain was felt in it, then by degrees the sense + of having that limb faded away entirely. I think we may to some extent + explain this. The knowledge we possess of any part is made up of the + numberless impressions from without which affect its sensitive surfaces, + and which are transmitted through its nerves to the spinal nerve-cells, + and through them, again, to the brain. We are thus kept endlessly informed + as to the existence of parts, because the impressions which reach the + brain are, by a law of our being, referred by us to the part from which + they come. Now, when the part is cut off, the nerve-trunks which led to it + and from it, remaining capable of being impressed by irritations, are made + to convey to the brain from the stump impressions which are, as usual, + referred by the brain to the lost parts to which these nerve-threads + belonged. In other words, the nerve is like a bell-wire. You may pull it + at any part of its course, and thus ring the bell as well as if you pulled + at the end of the wire; but, in any case, the intelligent servant will + refer the pull to the front door, and obey it accordingly. The impressions + made on the severed ends of the nerve are due often to changes in the + stump during healing, and consequently cease when it has healed, so that + finally, in a very healthy stump, no such impressions arise; the brain + ceases to correspond with the lost leg, and, as les absents ont toujours + tort, it is no longer remembered or recognized. But in some cases, such as + mine proved at last to my sorrow, the ends of the nerves undergo a curious + alteration, and get to be enlarged and altered. This change, as I have + seen in my practice of medicine, sometimes passes up the nerves toward the + centers, and occasions a more or less constant irritation of the + nerve-fibers, producing neuralgia, which is usually referred by the brain + to that part of the lost limb to which the affected nerve belonged. This + pain keeps the brain ever mindful of the missing part, and, imperfectly at + least, preserves to the man a consciousness of possessing that which he + has not. + </p> + <p> + Where the pains come and go, as they do in certain cases, the subjective + sensations thus occasioned are very curious, since in such cases the man + loses and gains, and loses and regains, the consciousness of the presence + of the lost parts, so that he will tell you, “Now I feel my thumb, now I + feel my little finger.” I should also add that nearly every person who has + lost an arm above the elbow feels as though the lost member were bent at + the elbow, and at times is vividly impressed with the notion that his + fingers are strongly flexed. + </p> + <p> + Other persons present a peculiarity which I am at a loss to account for. + Where the leg, for instance, has been lost, they feel as if the foot were + present, but as though the leg were shortened. Thus, if the thigh has been + taken off, there seems to them to be a foot at the knee; if the arm, a + hand seems to be at the elbow, or attached to the stump itself. + </p> + <p> + Before leaving Nashville I had begun to suffer the most acute pain in my + left hand, especially the little finger; and so perfect was the idea which + was thus kept up of the real presence of these missing parts that I found + it hard at times to believe them absent. Often at night I would try with + one lost hand to grope for the other. As, however, I had no pain in the + right arm, the sense of the existence of that limb gradually disappeared, + as did that of my legs also. + </p> + <p> + Everything was done for my neuralgia which the doctors could think of; and + at length, at my suggestion, I was removed, as I have said, from the Stump + Hospital to the United States Army Hospital for Injuries and Diseases of + the Nervous System. It was a pleasant, suburban, old-fashioned + country-seat, its gardens surrounded by a circle of wooden, one-story + wards, shaded by fine trees. There were some three hundred cases of + epilepsy, paralysis, St. Vitus’s dance, and wounds of nerves. On one side + of me lay a poor fellow, a Dane, who had the same burning neuralgia with + which I once suffered, and which I now learned was only too common. This + man had become hysterical from pain. He carried a sponge in his pocket, + and a bottle of water in one hand, with which he constantly wetted the + burning hand. Every sound increased his torture, and he even poured water + into his boots to keep himself from feeling too sensibly the rough + friction of his soles when walking. Like him, I was greatly eased by + having small doses of morphia injected under the skin of my shoulder with + a hollow needle fitted to a syringe. + </p> + <p> + As I improved under the morphia treatment, I began to be disturbed by the + horrible variety of suffering about me. One man walked sideways; there was + one who could not smell; another was dumb from an explosion. In fact, + every one had his own abnormal peculiarity. Near me was a strange case of + palsy of the muscles called rhomboids, whose office it is to hold down the + shoulder-blades flat on the back during the motions of the arms, which, in + themselves, were strong enough. When, however, he lifted these members, + the shoulder-blades stood out from the back like wings, and got him the + sobriquet of the “Angel.” In my ward were also the cases of fits, which + very much annoyed me, as upon any great change in the weather it was + common to have a dozen convulsions in view at once. Dr. Neek, one of our + physicians, told me that on one occasion a hundred and fifty fits took + place within thirty-six hours. On my complaining of these sights, whence I + alone could not fly, I was placed in the paralytic and wound ward, which I + found much more pleasant. + </p> + <p> + A month of skilful treatment eased me entirely of my aches, and I then + began to experience certain curious feelings, upon which, having nothing + to do and nothing to do anything with, I reflected a good deal. It was a + good while before I could correctly explain to my own satisfaction the + phenomena which at this time I was called upon to observe. By the various + operations already described I had lost about four fifths of my weight. As + a consequence of this I ate much less than usual, and could scarcely have + consumed the ration of a soldier. I slept also but little; for, as sleep + is the repose of the brain, made necessary by the waste of its tissues + during thought and voluntary movement, and as this latter did not exist in + my case, I needed only that rest which was necessary to repair such + exhaustion of the nerve-centers as was induced by thinking and the + automatic movements of the viscera. + </p> + <p> + I observed at this time also that my heart, in place of beating, as it + once did, seventy-eight in the minute, pulsated only forty-five times in + this interval—a fact to be easily explained by the perfect + quiescence to which I was reduced, and the consequent absence of that + healthy and constant stimulus to the muscles of the heart which exercise + occasions. + </p> + <p> + Notwithstanding these drawbacks, my physical health was good, which, I + confess, surprised me, for this among other reasons: It is said that a + burn of two thirds of the surface destroys life, because then all the + excretory matters which this portion of the glands of the skin evolved are + thrown upon the blood, and poison the man, just as happens in an animal + whose skin the physiologist has varnished, so as in this way to destroy + its function. Yet here was I, having lost at least a third of my skin, and + apparently none the worse for it. + </p> + <p> + Still more remarkable, however, were the psychical changes which I now + began to perceive. I found to my horror that at times I was less conscious + of myself, of my own existence, than used to be the case. This sensation + was so novel that at first it quite bewildered me. I felt like asking some + one constantly if I were really George Dedlow or not; but, well aware how + absurd I should seem after such a question, I refrained from speaking of + my case, and strove more keenly to analyze my feelings. At times the + conviction of my want of being myself was overwhelming and most painful. + It was, as well as I can describe it, a deficiency in the egoistic + sentiment of individuality. About one half of the sensitive surface of my + skin was gone, and thus much of relation to the outer world destroyed. As + a consequence, a large part of the receptive central organs must be out of + employ, and, like other idle things, degenerating rapidly. Moreover, all + the great central ganglia, which give rise to movements in the limbs, were + also eternally at rest. Thus one half of me was absent or functionally + dead. This set me to thinking how much a man might lose and yet live. If I + were unhappy enough to survive, I might part with my spleen at least, as + many a dog has done, and grown fat afterwards. The other organs with which + we breathe and circulate the blood would be essential; so also would the + liver; but at least half of the intestines might be dispensed with, and of + course all of the limbs. And as to the nervous system, the only parts + really necessary to life are a few small ganglia. Were the rest absent or + inactive, we should have a man reduced, as it were, to the lowest terms, + and leading an almost vegetative existence. Would such a being, I asked + myself, possess the sense of individuality in its usual completeness, even + if his organs of sensation remained, and he were capable of consciousness? + Of course, without them, he could not have it any more than a dahlia or a + tulip. But with them—how then? I concluded that it would be at a + minimum, and that, if utter loss of relation to the outer world were + capable of destroying a man’s consciousness of himself, the destruction of + half of his sensitive surfaces might well occasion, in a less degree, a + like result, and so diminish his sense of individual existence. + </p> + <p> + I thus reached the conclusion that a man is not his brain, or any one part + of it, but all of his economy, and that to lose any part must lessen this + sense of his own existence. I found but one person who properly + appreciated this great truth. She was a New England lady, from Hartford—an + agent, I think, for some commission, perhaps the Sanitary. After I had + told her my views and feelings she said: “Yes, I comprehend. The + fractional entities of vitality are embraced in the oneness of the unitary + Ego. Life,” she added, “is the garnered condensation of objective + impressions; and as the objective is the remote father of the subjective, + so must individuality, which is but focused subjectivity, suffer and fade + when the sensation lenses, by which the rays of impression are condensed, + become destroyed.” I am not quite clear that I fully understood her, but I + think she appreciated my ideas, and I felt grateful for her kindly + interest. + </p> + <p> + The strange want I have spoken of now haunted and perplexed me so + constantly that I became moody and wretched. While in this state, a man + from a neighboring ward fell one morning into conversation with the + chaplain, within ear-shot of my chair. Some of their words arrested my + attention, and I turned my head to see and listen. The speaker, who wore a + sergeant’s chevron and carried one arm in a sling was a tall, loosely made + person, with a pale face, light eyes of a washed-out blue tint, and very + sparse yellow whiskers. His mouth was weak, both lips being almost alike, + so that the organ might have been turned upside down without affecting its + expression. His forehead, however, was high and thinly covered with sandy + hair. I should have said, as a phrenologist, will feeble; emotional, but + not passionate; likely to be an enthusiast or a weakly bigot. + </p> + <p> + I caught enough of what passed to make me call to the sergeant when the + chaplain left him. + </p> + <p> + “Good morning,” said he. “How do you get on?” + </p> + <p> + “Not at all,” I replied. “Where were you hit?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, at Chancellorsville. I was shot in the shoulder. I have what the + doctors call paralysis of the median nerve, but I guess Dr. Neek and the + lightnin’ battery will fix it. When my time’s out I’ll go back to + Kearsarge and try on the school-teaching again. I’ve done my share.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said I, “you’re better off than I.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he answered, “in more ways than one. I belong to the New Church. + It’s a great comfort for a plain man like me, when he’s weary and sick, to + be able to turn away from earthly things and hold converse daily with the + great and good who have left this here world. We have a circle in Coates + street. If it wa’n’t for the consoling I get there, I’d of wished myself + dead many a time. I ain’t got kith or kin on earth; but this matters + little, when one can just talk to them daily and know that they are in the + spheres above us.” + </p> + <p> + “It must be a great comfort,” I replied, “if only one could believe it.” + </p> + <p> + “Believe!” he repeated. “How can you help it? Do you suppose anything + dies?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” I said. “The soul does not, I am sure; and as to matter, it merely + changes form.” + </p> + <p> + “But why, then,” said he, “should not the dead soul talk to the living? In + space, no doubt, exist all forms of matter, merely in finer, more ethereal + being. You can’t suppose a naked soul moving about without a bodily + garment—no creed teaches that; and if its new clothing be of like + substance to ours, only of ethereal fineness,—a more delicate + recrystallization about the eternal spiritual nucleus,—must it not + then possess powers as much more delicate and refined as is the new + material in which it is reclad?” + </p> + <p> + “Not very clear,” I answered; “but, after all, the thing should be + susceptible of some form of proof to our present senses.” + </p> + <p> + “And so it is,” said he. “Come to-morrow with me, and you shall see and + hear for yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “I will,” said I, “if the doctor will lend me the ambulance.” + </p> + <p> + It was so arranged, as the surgeon in charge was kind enough, as usual, to + oblige me with the loan of his wagon, and two orderlies to lift my useless + trunk. + </p> + <p> + On the day following I found myself, with my new comrade, in a house in + Coates street, where a “circle” was in the daily habit of meeting. So soon + as I had been comfortably deposited in an arm-chair, beside a large pine + table, the rest of those assembled seated themselves, and for some time + preserved an unbroken silence. During this pause I scrutinized the persons + present. Next to me, on my right, sat a flabby man, with ill-marked, baggy + features and injected eyes. He was, as I learned afterwards, an eclectic + doctor, who had tried his hand at medicine and several of its quackish + variations, finally settling down on eclecticism, which I believe + professes to be to scientific medicine what vegetarianism is to + common-sense, every-day dietetics. Next to him sat a female-authoress, I + think, of two somewhat feeble novels, and much pleasanter to look at than + her books. She was, I thought, a good deal excited at the prospect of + spiritual revelations. Her neighbor was a pallid, care-worn young woman, + with very red lips, and large brown eyes of great beauty. She was, as I + learned afterwards, a magnetic patient of the doctor, and had deserted her + husband, a master mechanic, to follow this new light. The others were, + like myself, strangers brought hither by mere curiosity. One of them was a + lady in deep black, closely veiled. Beyond her, and opposite to me, sat + the sergeant, and next to him the medium, a man named Brink. He wore a + good deal of jewelry, and had large black side-whiskers—a + shrewd-visaged, large-nosed, full-lipped man, formed by nature to + appreciate the pleasant things of sensual existence. + </p> + <p> + Before I had ended my survey, he turned to the lady in black, and asked if + she wished to see any one in the spirit-world. + </p> + <p> + She said, “Yes,” rather feebly. + </p> + <p> + “Is the spirit present?” he asked. Upon which two knocks were heard in + affirmation. “Ah!” said the medium, “the name is—it is the name of a + child. It is a male child. It is—” + </p> + <p> + “Alfred!” she cried. “Great Heaven! My child! My boy!” + </p> + <p> + On this the medium arose, and became strangely convulsed. “I see,” he said—“I + see—a fair-haired boy. I see blue eyes—I see above you, beyond + you—” at the same time pointing fixedly over her head. + </p> + <p> + She turned with a wild start. “Where—whereabouts?” + </p> + <p> + “A blue-eyed boy,” he continued, “over your head. He cries—he says, + ‘Mama, mama!’” + </p> + <p> + The effect of this on the woman was unpleasant. She stared about her for a + moment, and exclaiming, “I come—I am coming, Alfy!” fell in + hysterics on the floor. + </p> + <p> + Two or three persons raised her, and aided her into an adjoining room; but + the rest remained at the table, as though well accustomed to like scenes. + </p> + <p> + After this several of the strangers were called upon to write the names of + the dead with whom they wished to communicate. The names were spelled out + by the agency of affirmative knocks when the correct letters were touched + by the applicant, who was furnished with an alphabet-card upon which he + tapped the letters in turn, the medium, meanwhile, scanning his face very + keenly. With some, the names were readily made out. With one, a stolid + personage of disbelieving type, every attempt failed, until at last the + spirits signified by knocks that he was a disturbing agency, and that + while he remained all our efforts would fail. Upon this some of the + company proposed that he should leave; of which invitation he took + advantage, with a skeptical sneer at the whole performance. + </p> + <p> + As he left us, the sergeant leaned over and whispered to the medium, who + next addressed himself to me. “Sister Euphemia,” he said, indicating the + lady with large eyes, “will act as your medium. I am unable to do more. + These things exhaust my nervous system.” + </p> + <p> + “Sister Euphemia,” said the doctor, “will aid us. Think, if you please, + sir, of a spirit, and she will endeavor to summon it to our circle.” + </p> + <p> + Upon this a wild idea came into my head. I answered: “I am thinking as you + directed me to do.” + </p> + <p> + The medium sat with her arms folded, looking steadily at the center of the + table. For a few moments there was silence. Then a series of irregular + knocks began. “Are you present?” said the medium. + </p> + <p> + The affirmative raps were twice given. + </p> + <p> + “I should think,” said the doctor, “that there were two spirits present.” + </p> + <p> + His words sent a thrill through my heart. + </p> + <p> + “Are there two?” he questioned. + </p> + <p> + A double rap. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, two,” said the medium. “Will it please the spirits to make us + conscious of their names in this world?” + </p> + <p> + A single knock. “No.” + </p> + <p> + “Will it please them to say how they are called in the world of spirits?” + </p> + <p> + Again came the irregular raps—3, 4, 8, 6; then a pause, and 3, 4, 8, + 7. + </p> + <p> + “I think,” said the authoress, “they must be numbers. Will the spirits,” + she said, “be good enough to aid us? Shall we use the alphabet?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” was rapped very quickly. + </p> + <p> + “Are these numbers?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” again. + </p> + <p> + “I will write them,” she added, and, doing so, took up the card and tapped + the letters. The spelling was pretty rapid, and ran thus as she tapped, in + turn, first the letters, and last the numbers she had already set down: + </p> + <p> + “UNITED STATES ARMY MEDICAL MUSEUM, Nos. 3486, 3487.” + </p> + <p> + The medium looked up with a puzzled expression. + </p> + <p> + “Good gracious!” said I, “they are MY LEGS—MY LEGS!” + </p> + <p> + What followed, I ask no one to believe except those who, like myself, have + communed with the things of another sphere. Suddenly I felt a strange + return of my self-consciousness. I was reindividualized, so to speak. A + strange wonder filled me, and, to the amazement of every one, I arose, + and, staggering a little, walked across the room on limbs invisible to + them or me. It was no wonder I staggered, for, as I briefly reflected, my + legs had been nine months in the strongest alcohol. At this instant all my + new friends crowded around me in astonishment. Presently, however, I felt + myself sinking slowly. My legs were going, and in a moment I was resting + feebly on my two stumps upon the floor. It was too much. All that was left + of me fainted and rolled over senseless. + </p> + <p> + I have little to add. I am now at home in the West, surrounded by every + form of kindness and every possible comfort; but alas! I have so little + surety of being myself that I doubt my own honesty in drawing my pension, + and feel absolved from gratitude to those who are kind to a being who is + uncertain of being enough himself to be conscientiously responsible. It is + needless to add that I am not a happy fraction of a man, and that I am + eager for the day when I shall rejoin the lost members of my corporeal + family in another and a happier world. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Autobiography of a Quack And The +Case Of George Dedlow, by S. Weir Mitchell + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A QUACK *** + +***** This file should be named 693-h.htm or 693-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/9/693/ + +Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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