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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of Two Slatterns and a King, by Edna St.
-Vincent Millay
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
-using this eBook.
-
-Title: Two Slatterns and a King
-       A Moral Interlude
-
-Author: Edna St. Vincent Millay
-
-Release Date: August 10, 2021 [eBook #66029]
-
-Language: English
-
-Produced by: Tim Lindell, David E. Brown, and the Online Distributed
-             Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
-             produced from images generously made available by The
-             Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
-
-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TWO SLATTERNS AND A
-KING ***
-
-
-
-
-
-  STEWART KIDD MODERN PLAYS
-  Edited by Frank Shay
-
-
-  TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
-
-
-
-
-_Stewart Kidd Modern Plays_
-
-_Edited by_ FRANK SHAY
-
-
-To meet the immensely increased demands of the play-reading public and
-those interested in the modern drama, Stewart Kidd are issuing under
-the general editorship of Frank Shay a series of plays from the pens
-of the world’s best contemporary writers. No effort is being spared
-to secure the best work available, and the plays are issued in a form
-that is at once attractive to readers and suited to the needs of the
-performer and producer. _Buffalo Express_: “Each play is of merit. Each
-is unlike the other. The group furnishes a striking example of the
-realistic trend of the modern drama.”
-
-From time to time special announcements will be printed giving complete
-lists of the plays.
-
-
-SHAM, a Social Satire in One Act. _By Frank G. Tompkins._
-
-  Originally produced by Sam Hume, at the Arts and Crafts Theatre,
-  Detroit.
-
-  _San Francisco Bulletin_: “The lines are new and many of them are
-  decidedly clever.”
-
-  _Providence Journal_: “An ingenious and merry little one-act play.”
-
-
-THE SHEPHERD IN THE DISTANCE, a Pantomime in One Act. _By Holland
-  Hudson._
-
-  Originally produced by the Washington Square Players.
-
-  _Oakland Tribune_: “A pleasing pantomime of the Ancient East.”
-
-
-MANSIONS, a Play in One Act. _By Hildegarde Flanner._
-
-  Originally produced by the Indiana Little Theatre Society.
-
-  _Three Arts Magazine_: “This thoughtful and well-written play of
-  Characters and Ideals has become a favorite with Little Theatres and
-  is now available in print.”
-
-
-HEARTS TO MEND, a Fantasy in One Act. _By H. A. Overstreet._
-
-  Originally produced by the Fireside Players, White Plains, N. Y.
-
-  _St. Louis Star_: “It is a light whimsy and well carried out.”
-
-  _San Francisco Chronicle_: “No one is likely to hear or read it
-  without real and legitimate pleasure.”
-
-
-SIX WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL. _By Stuart Walker._
-
-  Originally produced by the Portmanteau Players at Christodora House,
-  New York City.
-
-  _Brooklyn Eagle_: “Literary without being pedantic, and dramatic
-  without being noisy.”
-
-
-OTHERS TO FOLLOW. _Bound in Art Paper. Each, net, .50_
-
-
-
-
-  TWO SLATTERNS AND
-  A KING
-
-  A MORAL INTERLUDE
-
-  By
-  EDNA ST. VINCENT MILLAY
-
-  Author of “Aria da Capo”, etc.
-
-  First produced at Vassar College.
-
-  [Illustration]
-
-  CINCINNATI
-  STEWART KIDD COMPANY
-  PUBLISHERS
-
-
-
-
-  COPYRIGHT, 1921
-  STEWART KIDD COMPANY
-
-  _All rights reserved_
-  COPYRIGHT IN ENGLAND
-
-No amateur or professional use permitted of “TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING”
-without written authorization first obtained from Stewart Kidd Company,
-121 East Fifth Street, Cincinnati, O., to whom all applications should
-be addressed.
-
-
-
-
-TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
-
-
-PERSONS
-
-  THE KING
-  CHANCE the VICE
-  TIDY the false SLATTERN
-  SLUT the true SLATTERN
-
-
-
-
-  THE
-  PROLOGUE
-  AND THE
-  EPILOGUE
-  SPOKEN
-  BY
-  CHANCE
-
-
-
-
-TWO SLATTERNS AND A KING
-
-
-
-
-PROLOGUE
-
-  I am that cunning infidel
-  By men called CHANCE,--you know me well.
-  It is through me you met your wives;
-  Through me your harvest blights or thrives;
-  And one and all, through me, to-day
-  Hither you came to see the play,
-  Which if your favor still you lend,
-  As now, so on until the end,
-  You shall be taught what way a King
-  Though a sublime and awful thing
-  And even wise, may come to be
-  A laughing-stock,--and all through me!
-
-  (_Exit_)
-
-  (ENTER KING)
-
-KING
-
-  I am the King of all this land:
-  I hold a sceptre in my hand;
-  Upon my head I wear a crown;
-  Everybody stands when I sit down. (_Sits_)
-
-CHANCE (_Appearing to audience; he is invisible throughout the play to
-  the other players in it._)
-
-  Excepting me,--please bear in mind
-  I sit whenever I feel inclined. (_Sits_)
-
-KING
-
-  Although my lands are wide and long,
-  My walls right thick, my armies strong,
-  I am not wholly satisfied.
-
-CHANCE
-
-  That is because you have no bride.
-
-KING
-
-  Who speaks?--Come forth and, if you dare,
-  Say once again what causes my care!
-  Why I am discontent with life!
-
-CHANCE
-
-  It is because you have no wife.
-
-KING
-
-  A woman in my royal house!
-  A woman! A wife! A bride! A spouse!
-  Bold stranger, this is not the cure,
-  For a woman I could never endure!
-
-CHANCE
-
-  Per-CHANCE to-morrow you will find
-  You have altered your imperial mind.
-
-  (_Exeunt KING and CHANCE severally_)
-
-  (ENTER TIDY)
-
-TIDY
-
-  I am TIDY, I have been
-  All my life both neat and clean.
-  From my outside to my in
-  Clean am I unto my skin.
-  Every day into a bucket
-  My hands I dip, my head I duck it;
-  And if the water plenty be
-  I sometimes wet some more of me.
-  This is my kitchen, where you will find
-  All things pleasant and to your mind;
-  Against the wall in orderly pairs--
-  One, two,--one, two,--observe my chairs.
-  In the middle of the room my table stands:
-  I would not move it for many lands.
-  My basins and bowls are all in their places;
-  The bottoms of my pots are as clean as your faces.
-  My kettle boils so cheerily,
-  It is like a friendly voice to me;
-  About my work I merrily sing,
-  And I brush my hearth with a white duck’s wing.
-  Oh, full is every cupboard, sharp is every knife!--
-  My bright, sunny kitchen is the pride of my life!
-
-  (_Exit TIDY_)
-
-  (ENTER SLUT)
-
-SLUT
-
-  I am SLUT; I am a slattern,
-  You must not take me for your pattern.
-  I spend my days in slovenly ease;
-  I sleep when I like and I wake when I please.
-  My manners, they are indolent;
-  In clutter and filth I am quite content.
-  Here is my kitchen, where I stir up my messes,
-  And wear out my old shoes and soiled silk dresses.
-  My table sags beneath the weight
-  Of stale food and unwashed plate;
-  The cat has tipped the pitcher o’er,--
-  The greasy stream drips onto the floor;
-  Under the table is a broken cup--
-  I am too tired to pick it up.
-
-  (_Exit SLUT_)
-
-  (ENTER KING)
-
-KING
-
-  Now I will no longer tarry
-  For I think that I will marry.
-  Now the one thing in my life
-  Is to marry me a wife.
-  But I will not be content
-  With a wench that’s indolent,
-  Or take a slattern for a spouse,--
-  I will go from house to house,
-  Unheralded--that there may be
-  No cleaning up because of me--
-  And that maid whose kitchen’s neatest
-  Will I have to be my sweetest.
-
-  (_Exit KING_)
-
-  (CHANCE APPEARS)
-
-CHANCE
-
-  That I am absent do not fear
-  For that you have not seen me here,
-  For know, I oft invisibly
-  Do move among the things you see;
-  And to confuse and thwart the King
-  Through Slut and Tidy, is a thing
-  Dear to my nature,--therefore heed,
-  And you shall see a show indeed!
-
-  (_Exit CHANCE_)
-
-  (_Enter TIDY in great disorder_)
-
-TIDY
-
-  Oh, dear, oh, dear, what shall I do?
-  Oh, such a plight I never knew!
-  Though I arose as is my way
-  An hour before the break of day,
-  Here it is noon, and nothing done;
-  The milk has soured in the sun,
-  And the sweet, pretty duck I broiled
-  A neighbor’s dog has dragged and spoiled;
-  I beat him with my hands and wept!
-  Straight through the window then he leapt,
-  And through the window after him,
-  With scratchéd face and bruiséd limb,
-  And on through mire and briar and bog
-  Hours and hours I chased that dog,
-  Stumbling, uttering awful cries--
-  While into my kitchen swarmed the flies!
-  I came back at half-past ten!
-  Oh, what a sight did greet me then!
-  My fair white sheets I hung so fine
-  Down in the black muck under the line!
-  And out of the oven from cakes ’n’ pies ’n’
-  Beautiful tarts the thick smoke risin’!
-  I knelt down my tarts to remove,
-  And my quince jelly that stood on the stove
-  Up did boil, and, as you see,
-  Boiled itself all over me!--
-  All over the floor, all over the room,--
-  Whereat I ran to fetch the broom--
-  The broom! The broom--instead of the mop!
-  To fetch a broom to wipe up slop!
-  And with its handle smashed the clock’s face,
-  Getting glass all over the place,
-  And knocked the dishes off the shelf,
-  And fell to my knees and cut myself,
-  And wept and cried and when I would rise
-  Could not see for the tears in my eyes;
-  So tripped on a chair and, to save a fall,
-  Caught at the table, then flat did sprawl,
-  Dragging the table down with me,
-  And everything on it, as well you may see!
-  I cannot live in such a state!
-  But where to begin is past my pate!
-
-  (_Enter KING_)
-
-KING
-
-  I am the King of all these lands:
-  Down upon your knees and hands.
-  Wishing to marry me, I have said
-  That the tidiest maiden I would wed
-  In all my realm, wherefore I go
-  From kitchen to kitchen, that I may know
-  And judge for myself what maid is worth
-  To sit at my side in feasting and in mirth.
-  Untidy Spill-time, it is easy to see
-  That my fair bride you never will be.
-
-TIDY
-
-  Oh, great King, hear me when I say
-  This has been a most unusual day!
-  It is by chance alone you see
-  In such a state my kitchen and me!
-  I can set us both to rights in a minute!
-
-KING
-
-  In vain! I have set a trap and caught you in it!
-  Vain, wench, your lies and your pretense!
-  I see what I see and I hie me hence!
-
-  (_Exit KING_)
-
-  (_Exit TIDY, weeping_)
-
-  (ENTER SLUT)
-
-SLUT
-
-  Lest you know me not in this disguise
-  I tell you I am SLUT, and I tell you no lies.
-  My face and my hands are clean and neat;
-  Fresh is my frock, trim are my feet.
-  But I assure you you are not wrong
-  To think that so tidy I shall not be for long.
-  And if the story you wish from me,
-  I will tell you how this came to be:
-  Dull was the day and tedious my book;
-  I saw no pleasure wherever I might look;
-  I had done everything that I knew how to do,
-  And I could think of nothing new.
-  But at last I thought of one
-  Thing that I had never done.
-  And I said, “I will take a broom,
-  And I will sweep this room!
-  I will wash this floor!”
-  I had never washed it before--
-  “All things in order will I arrange,
-  Although I hate order, for it will be a change.”
-  So here I am, as you can see--
-  I and my kitchen as clean as can be.
-  But in a room as clean as this
-  My bones ache and I find no bliss.
-  So watch, and soon it will appear
-  Much less orderly and drear.
-
-  (_Enter KING_)
-
-KING
-
-  Down upon your knees and hands!
-  I am the King of all these lands.
-  Wishing to marry me, I have said
-  That the tidiest maiden I would wed
-  In all my realms, wherefore I go
-  From kitchen to kitchen that I may know--
-  Yet stay! This kitchen is so tidy,
-  I think that you must be my bridey!
-  As far and wide as I have been
-  So neat a kitchen I have not seen;
-  Therefore I say you are my wife,
-  For the remainder of your life.
-
-SLUT (_aside_)
-
-  To point him out his error at first I intended,
-  But least said is soonest mended.
-
-  (_Exeunt KING with SLUT_)
-
-  (_Enter TIDY_)
-
-TIDY
-
-  Now once again with me
-  All is as it is wont to be.
-  Now once again you see me stand
-  The tidiest lady in the land.
-  If the King should see me now
-  He would tell a different tale, I trow.
-
-  (_Enter KING_)
-
-KING
-
-  Oh, lovely lady, who are you,
-  That I am a talking to?
-
-TIDY
-
-  She am I whom you did scorn
-  This very day at morn.
-
-KING
-
-  It may not be as you have said,
-  For you would I gladly wed!
-
-TIDY
-
-  I thank you for the favor, but
-  They tell me you have married SLUT!
-
-KING
-
-  Oh, cock’s bones! And strike me dead!
-  Is it a Slut that I have wed?
-
-  (_Enter SLUT dressed as at first_)
-
-SLUT
-
-  So here you dally whilst I sit at home!
-  Never any more abroad shall you roam,
-  But sit at home with me for the rest of your life,
-  For I am your lawful wedded wife!
-
-KING
-
-  Oh, woe is me, what a life will be mine!
-
-SLUT
-
-  It is too late now to repine:
-  Home with me you come for the rest of your life,
-  For SLUT is your lawful wedded wife!
-
-  (_Exit SLUT with KING_)
-
-TIDY
-
-  A slattern is a fearful sight,--ah, me!
-  What pleasure it gives so tidy to be!
-
-  (_Exit TIDY_)
-
-EPILOGUE
-
-  Now that the play is at an end,
-  By CHANCE _you_ have enjoyed it, friend;
-  By CHANCE to _you_ his sweet was gall;
-  By CHANCE _you_ slumbered through it all.
-  Howe’er it be, it was by CHANCE
-  The KING was led so merry a dance,
-  By CHANCE that TIDY met disgrace,
-  By CHANCE alone SLUT washed her face;
-  From morn to eve the whole day long
-  It was by CHANCE that things went wrong.
-  Wherefore, good friends, t’ escape derision,
-  Be not o’er hasty in your decision,
-  For he who heedeth not this rule
-  BY CHANCE HE WILL BE CALLED A FOOL!
-
-
-
-
-TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE:
-
-
-  Italicized or underlined text is surrounded by underscores: _italics_.
-
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