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+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #66024 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/66024)
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-The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bearly Reasonable, by W. C. Tuttle
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
-most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
-of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
-will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
-using this eBook.
-
-Title: Bearly Reasonable
-
-Author: W. C. Tuttle
-
-Release Date: August 9, 2021 [eBook #66024]
-
-Language: English
-
-Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark
-
-*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEARLY REASONABLE ***
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-                          Bearly Reasonable
-
-                           by W. C. Tuttle
-
-  Author of “Magpie, Diplomat,” and “Sixteen to One on Friday,” etc.
-
-
-“Ike,” sez Magpie Simpkins, pointin’ down th’ trail, “th’ feller what
-said, ‘Th’ worst is yet to come,’ must ’a’ meant that outfit comin’
-our way.”
-
-I takes uh good look and agrees. In th’ lead is Ricky Henderson, on
-his calico bronc, and behind him is three figgers on burrows. Th’
-leadin’ one looks like uh cross between uh Holy Roller proselyte and
-uh fence picket. Th’ legs of th’ critter is bent back at th’ knees to
-keep its feet off th’ ground, an th’ rest of its body ’pears to have
-been soaked in starch before it seasoned.
-
-It’s wearin’ uh swaller-tailed coat, buttoned at th’ top, makin’ it
-swell in th’ breeze like th’ wings of uh turkey-buzzard, and th’
-peaked, side-whiskered face which bobs at th’ top is crowned with uh
-hard hat. It is also wearin’ black-rimmed specs, and enough black
-ribbon floats from th’ top to furnish mournin’ fer uh wake.
-
-Th’ next in line is uh fe-male person, and uh glance shows that she
-ain’t built fer neither speed nor comfort. Th’ pore li’l burrow she’s
-ridin’ is wig-waggin’ uh distress signal with its ears, and threatens
-to cave in at th’ knees in uh short time.
-
-Th’ next in line is one uh them human carbuncles. He’s so danged fat
-that his clothes ache, and he has to lift his yaller eyebrows plumb to
-th’ top of his bald head to git his eyes open. When I first sees his
-face I’m inclined to git th’ skin of uh aig to put on it and draw it
-to uh head.
-
-Behind this caravan loiters five burros and they’re so danged loaded
-down with plunder that all yuh can see is their ears. While me and
-Magpie stands on th’ steps of our cabin, at th’ Silver Threads mine,
-this aggregation peerades to uh standstill before us, and that
-she-packin’ burro hee-haws with relief.
-
-“Here we are,” states Ricky, turnin’ in his saddle and grinnin’ at his
-followers.
-
-“Thank goodness!” snorts th’ fe-male. “I feel that I’m jolted to a
-shadow. Shall we dismount?”
-
-“Ricky, yuh might make us used to yore friends, and tell us why you
-terminates th’ peerade at this point,” sez Magpie.
-
-“This person,” sez Ricky, pointin’ at th’ lean critter, “is Perfessor
-Phinney. Th’ lady is his wife, and this here robust party is Doctor
-Doolittle. They’re from th’ East—” and then he turns to them:
-
-“Ladies and gentlemen, this slender party with th’ hairy upper lip is
-Magpie Simpkins, and th’ bow-legged party beside him is Ike Harper,
-his mate. Now that yo’re properly introduced I’ll pilgrim back. _Au
-revoir._”
-
-“Yuh will—in uh hearse,” snaps Magpie. “Come back here, yuh blamed
-coyote and explain why yuh shirks yore duty. What’s th’ great idea?”
-
-“My duty is done,” states Ricky. “These here persons desire to hire
-competent persons so I brings’ em up here. Every man in Piperock holds
-up their hands and swears that they ain’t competent, so what could I
-do? You and Ike shore must be. I reckon th’ perfessor can tell yuh
-what he wants, Magpie. I hates to deprive yuh of my company, but I’m
-uh right busy man.”
-
-“No depravity, Ricky,” sez Magpie. “Run right along home.”
-
-And then he turns to th’ outfit. Th’ three of ’em are off their
-mounts, and busy rubbin’ th’ circulation back into their legs. I feels
-that th’ perfessor has some chore, ’cause he has quite uh strip uh
-country to hear from.
-
-“I—er—shall try and explain in a few words,” sez th’ perfessor,
-peekin’ at us over th’ tops of his specs. “I am up here to settle an
-argument between myself and Professor Manning. Isn’t it queer what an
-argument between friends will bring forth?”
-
-“Uh-huh,” agrees Magpie. “She shore is. I’ve knowed six good men to
-git killed on th’ spot, four more in th’ pen, and dozens who have been
-crippled fer life over friendly arguments.”
-
-“How unique!” exclaims th’ perfessor’s heavier half. “How unique.”
-
-“Yes’m,” agrees Magpie, “two of ’em was, but th’ rest was jist common
-ordinary arguments.”
-
-“As I was—er—saying,” continues th’ perfessor, “I am up here to settle
-a friendly argument.”
-
-“Th’ question is?” asks Magpie.
-
-“Do rattlesnakes and prairie-dogs live together in harmony, and will a
-female grizzly recognize its own offspring after it has been away
-from, it for twenty-four hours.”
-
-“That’s uh —— of uh reason fer comin’ way up here!” snorts Magpie.
-
-“Why didn’t yuh write to me? I’d ’a’ told yuh.”
-
-“That’s what I said,” cuts in th’ human carbuncle. “When you told me
-about it I——”
-
-“Doctor,” pipes th’ perfessor, “there’s no use arguing with me. This
-is a serious question. Professor Manning’s theory is wrong, and I am
-going to prove it.”
-
-“Yuh can’t prove nothin’ by uh rattler,” objects Magpie. “Also, yuh
-got uh sweet chore on yore hands when yuh tries to git uh female
-grizzly to let yuh take its cub and——”
-
-“Can’t I believe my own eyes?” wails th’ ol’ pelican. “Can’t I see
-these things?”
-
-“My husband, being a scientist, is very observing,” states Mrs.
-Perfessor.
-
-“Also set in his ways,” states th’ doc, lightin’ one uh them dude
-cigarets, which smells like th’ place where uh circus has jist moved
-away. “All I hope is that I get some good shooting.”
-
-“If th’ perfessor interviews uh fe-male grizzly and fambly, yuh shore
-stand uh good chance uh gittin’ yore wish,” sez I. “Unpack them
-long-sufferin’ jackasses and make yoreself to home. Th’ hills is
-yours.”
-
-“Unpack?” asks th’ perfessor. “Do you mean to remove the impedimenta
-from the backs of our beasts of burden?”
-
-“Bein’ funny is a art,” states Magpie, “but art ain’t appreciated here
-in th’ hills. Jist take th’ plunder off them canaries, and settle
-down.”
-
-“But, my man, that’s your duty. That’s part of what I’m paying you
-for.”
-
-Magpie looks foolish like at me and then back at th’ perfessor. Th’
-doc lifts his eyebrows to th’ eaves of his face and manages to wiggle
-one eyelid until uh person would almost admit it was uh wink.
-
-“Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “I ain’t yore man. I never seen yuh before,
-and I ain’t worryin’ about yuh in th’ future. I never hired out to
-yuh, and I ain’t acquainted with yore rollin’ stock to th’ extent that
-I wishes to remove their loads. Who wished yuh on to us anyway and
-why?”
-
-Th’ perfessor removes his hard hat and squints at Magpie.
-
-“The—er—person who brought us up here informed me that you were
-perfectly competent. Was we misinformed?”
-
-“Misinformed? No, ol’-timer, you was lied to. Sabe?”
-
-“Th’ fact of th’ matter is this,” states th’ doc. “Professor Phinney
-wants to engage the services of you and Mister Harper. He is willing
-to pay you a reasonable amount for your services, and is also able to
-offer a substantial bonus in case you can help him prove or disprove
-his contention. Am I right, Professor?”
-
-“Yeaus,” drawls th’ ol’ coot.
-
-He’s uh funny ol’ rooster. He allus sez “Yeaus” instead uh “Uh-huh.” I
-don’t reckon he ever figgered that th’ Lord only give him one set uh
-vocal cords, or else he didn’t care if he did wear ’em out early in
-life. Every danged word he orates sounds like th’ letters had been
-carved out uh granite, and he was afraid to let ’em all fall to oncet
-fer fear some of ’em might git scratched or busted.
-
-“Yuh might explain th’ bonus part,” sez Magpie.
-
-“You see,” sez th’ perfessor, “for my own personal satisfaction I
-would observe the home life of the rattlesnake and prairie-dog, but
-the most important is the test of the maternal instinct in the grizzly
-bear.
-
-“I shall expect you to furnish me with the opportunity to carry out
-this experiment to a satisfactory conclusion, and in case you can do
-so to my satisfaction, I am willing to remunerate you to the extent of
-two hundred dollars each. Of course I am prepared to pay you each five
-dollars per day. Do you feel competent to assist me?”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-Magpie sticks his thumbs into his belt, shifts his weight on to one
-leg, and squints at them burros.
-
-“Ike,” sez he, “remove th’—er—imped— imped—th’ packs off them beasts
-uh burden.”
-
-And then to th’ perfessor:
-
-“Competent is my middle name. When it comes to th’ maternal instinct
-of grizzly bears I feels as competent as uh hungry coyote in uh herd
-uh sick sheep. Ike is a authority on snakes and gophers, so between us
-I reckon you’ll git enough material to last yuh a lifetime. What do
-yuh know about grizzlies?”
-
-“Nothing at all,” sez th’ perfessor. “I fear that I wouldn’t know one
-if I were to meet it. I’ll admit it was a foolish argument, when
-neither Professor Manning nor myself are at all familiar with natural
-history, but it is things like this that lend zest to life. Am I
-right, Mister Simpson?”
-
-“Simpkins,” sez Magpie. “Uh-huh, I reckon it does. Yessir, I’d shore
-agree that it might. But, Perfessor, if I was in yore place, not bein’
-familiar with grizzlies, I’d shore side-step anythin’ I met that
-wasn’t familiar. There’s one redeemin’ feature about uh grizzly—he
-don’t stop to argue. One or two uh them square-heads would put enough
-zest in uh man’s life to keep him supplied fer right smart of uh
-time.”
-
-Well, that shore was some outfit. Them packs looks like uh travelin’
-banquet. There’s three foldin’ bunks, sleepin’ bags, rubber bathtubs
-and most everything that uh man can’t use in th’ hills. Also there is
-enough fancy grub to feed uh roundup. I manages to git them things off
-th’ jacks, and Magpie comes over and looks ’em over.
-
-“My Gawd,” sez he. “This is th’ limit, hammered to uh sharp point.
-What’ll we do with ’em, Ike?”
-
-“Yore uh competent,” sez I. “Don’t ask me what to do, Magpie Simpson.
-Is th’ perfessor’s squaw goin’ to git supper?”
-
-“She is not, and yuh might call me by my right name. Th’ perfessor sez
-that he was informed by Mister Henderson that Mister Harper is th’
-best culinary artist in th’ State. Uh culinary artist is uh polite
-name fer uh bull cook, Ike.”
-
-“Sounds re-fined, anyway,” I agrees. “But some uh these day’s I’m
-goin’ to git my meat-hooks on Ricky Henderson, and there’s goin’ to be
-sorrow in th’ Henderson tribe. Culinary artist ——! Can’t th’ doctor
-cook?”
-
-“Th’ doctor can’t do nothin’, Ike. He informs me that th’ one ambition
-in life is to hit somethin’ with his shotgun. Sez he never had and
-never expects to, but he’s game to keep on tryin’.”
-
-Pretty soon th’ doc comes down from th’ cabin, and sets down on one of
-th’ packs. He dusts th’ end of uh cigaret on his hand, and grins at me
-and Magpie.
-
-“Some outfit, eh?” he sez. “What do yuh think of it?”
-
-“Well,” sez Magpie, “I knowed uh feller oncet what got hung fer sayin’
-what he thought, so with this one short remark I’ll close—awful!”
-
-“Exactly,” agrees th’ doc, explodin’ uh cloud uh smoke that would
-asphyxiate uh gila monster. “I quite agrees with you. You see th’
-professor has a lot more money than any ordinary professor ought to
-have and if he wishes to spend it on a proposition like this it’s none
-of our funeral.”
-
-“Th’ first part of yore oration sounds sensible,” sez Magpie, “but th’
-last line ain’t exactly true. Knowin’ th’ natcheral disposition of uh
-fe-male grizzly, I’d say that it might be our funeral. Jist because
-we’re merely accessories to th’ fact don’t affect th’ gray matter in
-th’ skull of uh she-grizzly.
-
-“All men looks alike to her. Mebby she’d shy at th’ perfessor, but I’m
-bettin’ that uh rear view of th’ ol’ boy goin’ up uh tree or doin’ th’
-vanishin’ act over uh hill might fool uh mad grizzly into thinkin’ she
-was chasin’ uh real, honest-to-grandma man. Uh course she’d find out
-her mistake, but by that time it’s too late to rectify it. No
-self-respectin’ rattler’d bite him, either, but yuh got to figger that
-nobody ever met uh self-respectin’ rattler. No, sir, I reckon we got
-to close-herd th’ perfessor.”
-
-“I’d be there with my shotgun,” grins th’ doc. “Mebby I could hit uh
-bear with it. That would be some satisfaction.”
-
-“And it wouldn’t bother th’ bear,” sez I. “If yuh feels like tryin’
-out that two-tunneled spray-weapon on uh bear, take this advice: Try
-one barrel on th’ bear and th’ other on yoreself. Mebby it’s jist uh
-li’l out uh place fer uh stranger to tell uh feller how to pass out uh
-this here vale uh tears, but uh scatter-gun don’t compare with uh
-grizzly when it comes to messy-lookin’ corpses. Them animiles shore do
-admire to take yuh apart.”
-
-I cooked supper that night. One thing in my favor was th’ fact that
-th’ perfessor’s wife is too hungry and tired to make any suggestions.
-I ain’t no dog-gone French cook, but I shore hates to have uh fe-male
-person tell me how to cook beans. We worries through supper without no
-casualties, and after we gits through, Mrs. Per-fessor goes to bed on
-my bunk, and th’ rest of us sets out in front of th’ cabin and smokes
-uh while.
-
-“My man,” sez th’ perfessor to Magpie, “it is my desire to investigate
-the grizzly theory tomorrow morning. I suppose you are prepared to
-guide me to the lair of a fairly good specimen?”
-
-“Shore,” sez Magpie. “Uh course I’ll have to look over my field notes
-uh while before I can locate edzactly th’ specimen yuh needs. Uh
-course yuh wants uh grizzly with uh grizzly offspring.”
-
-“Yeaus,” drawls th’ ol’ pelican. “Yeaus, certainly. Quite naturally a
-grizzly would have a grizzly offspring.”
-
-“Natcherally,” agrees Magpie. “But yuh often finds ’em with black or
-brown cubs. Yuh see, Perfessor, uh she-grizzly is uh motherly ol’
-thing, and when she finds uh female black or brown bear which don’t
-treat their li’l ones properly she jist natcherally adopts ’em.”
-
-“Quite commendable,” nods th’ perfessor. “I must make a note of it.
-Such information is quite valuable. But don’t the other bears object
-to losing the custody of their offsprings?”
-
-“Quite useless,” drawls Magpie. “As I remarked before, uh grizzly
-won’t argue.”
-
-“I have a feeling that this trip is going to furnish some material for
-the scientists to ponder over,” laughs th’ doc, gittin’ up and
-throwin’ away his camel-hair cigaret. “I must see that my shotgun is
-in good working order.”
-
-“Did yuh ever shoot any fool-hens?” I asks.
-
-Th’ doc grins at me in uh wise sort of uh way and replies:
-
-“Mister Harper, I may be a poor shot, but I’m not that much of a
-tenderfoot, so don’t try that old joke on me, please.”
-
-Most of ’em won’t bite on th’ fool-hen stunt, fer th’ simple reason
-that there ain’t no joke about fool-hens. Now, if yuh spoke about
-snow-snakes they’d stay all Winter to git uh specimen.
-
-It wa’n’t edzactly what you’d call chivalry that prompts us to give up
-our cabin to our employers that night. When uh two hundred and fifty
-pound fe-male occupies yore three by six bunk, and fills th’ air with
-snores which resembles th’ grunts of uh hungry bear trying to coax uh
-fat grub out of uh rotten stump, it’s jist human nature to grab uh
-blanket and move out in th’ brush. Th’ doc crawls into his
-sleepin’-bag alongside th’ cabin, but me and Magpie holes up down near
-th’ crick.
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-That night I wonders out-loud, in Magpie’s hearin’, what are we goin’
-to do? Also I mentions in my oration that any man what ain’t got no
-more sense than to tie up with uh rattle-headed pardner, not
-mentionin’ any names, but givin’ uh fair description, ought to die
-early in life in self-defense.
-
-“Field book!” I howls at th’ Big Dipper. “He’s got uh field book what
-shows th’ dwellin’-place of suitable female grizzlies. Them records
-will show jist which said grizzly has bears by adoption and which has
-’em by maternal instinct. I’m a expert on sidewinders and gophers, eh?
-Shore. All my life I’ve laid on my belly and observed th’ home life uh
-said whistlin’ diggers and crippled crawlers. I’ve allus crawled in
-th’ best society uh Prairie Dog town. Accordin’ to th’ latest reports
-I’m livin’ in uh dug-out and cultivatin’ fangs. Pretty soon I’m due to
-coil up and bite somebody.”
-
-Magpie don’t say uh word all th’ time I’m reflectin’ out loud, but
-after I rolls up in my blanket and drowses off to sleep he grabs me by
-th’ shoulder and hisses in my ear—
-
-“Ike, I’ve got it!”
-
-“Keep it,” sez I. “I don’t care if we are pardners, Magpie, I don’t
-wish to share it with yuh. I know you’ve had it fer uh long time, ol’
-trapper, but I never mentioned it to anybody. If it hurts yuh worse
-than usual, I’d advise uh cold compress on yore dome.”
-
-“‘Mighty’ Jones,” he yells joyful like. “By cripes. I can see it all!”
-
-Sometimes when uh feller gits to ravin’ thataway he sez things about
-folks that he don’t like, so I don’t comment on him mentionin’ Mighty
-Jones.
-
-Uh course his right name ain’t Mighty. He’s uh pore li’l runty person,
-with corn-colored hair, and whiskers which makes him resemble uh
-mountain goat gone to seed. One day he gits into a argument with uh
-whale of uh jasper named “Buzzard” Bell. Buzzard is big enough to tie
-Jones in uh bow-knot, and he grins down at Jones and informs him of
-th’ fact. Jones takes off his coat, throws it on th’ floor, jumps on
-it with both boots, spits on his hands and yells:
-
-“I’m small but I’m Gawd A’mighty Jones!” That’s how he gits th’
-cognomen.
-
-He’s livin’ up in uh li’l cabin at th’ forks of Plenty Stone crick,
-and he ain’t noways friendly nor confidential. He’s plumb afraid that
-somebody will jump his alleged copper claim, which don’t assay enough
-per ton to plate uh twenty-two cartridge shell.
-
-“She’s goin’ to work out to uh gnat’s eyebrow, Ike,” states Magpie
-when I don’t seem uh heap concerned over his former joyful
-declaration.
-
-“Yuh might tell uh man yore troubles,” sez I.
-
-Magpie sets up in his blankets and rolls uh cigaret.
-
-“Yessir,” sez he, after th’ smoke is goin’, “that’s th’
-solution—partly. Ike, we could use Mighty Jones’s bear fer this here
-scientific experiment.”
-
-“Uh-huh,” I agrees. “We shore could, only fer several reasons.
-Mighty’s animile happens to be uh brown bear and, bein’ as its name is
-Abe, it don’t stand to reason that its got any maternal instinct, much
-less uh cub. And what is uh heap more to th’ point, Magpie: Mighty
-would perforate anybody what bothered that brute. If Mighty had about
-twice as much sense as he’s got he’d be half-witted, and I argues that
-uh fool and uh shotgun is dangerous. Them’s my sentiments, Magpie. Th’
-whole thing is crazy. Yore all crazy, Magpie. Th’ perfessor is loco,
-th’ doc is likewise afflicted and Mrs. Perfessor is showin’ symptoms.
-You been crazy fer years and years, Magpie, and I’m gittin’ suspicious
-uh myself. Let’s put some cyanide in their coffee in th’ morning, and
-then you and me will go down in Death Valley and dig fer coconuts,
-Magpie. And besides we ain’t got no cub fer Abie.”
-
-“Objextions all overruled, Ike. In th’ first place, Perfessor Phinney
-nor any of them wouldn’t know uh brown bear from uh grizzly, and in
-th’ second place, we’ll go down cautious like and rent Mighty’s bear.”
-
-“What’ll we do fer uh cub?”
-
-“——!” snorts Magpie. “We’re sharin’ fifty-fifty in this here ain’t we?
-Well, I done furnished my part. I got th’ mother grizzly didn’t I?
-Well, you git th’ cub. Sabe?”
-
-“Loan me yore field notes on cubs, will yuh? I’m uh snake specialist
-and——”
-
-Didn’t Magpie tell th’ perfessor he had one? Shore did. That’s what
-makes Magpie’s conduct so danged inconsistent. He didn’t have no right
-to git sore about it. Anyway, it’s showin’ danged little knowledge uh
-social etikette when uh feller hits yuh on th’ head with uh rock as
-big as yore fist—especially when yore in bed. Uh course I returns it
-in th’ proper spirit, but my feelin’s is soarin’ and I shoots high.
-
-Did yuh ever hear half uh dozen long-eared, flea-bitten jackasses
-split th’ stillness of th’ night with their melodjus voices? Don’t
-tell me that animiles like that don’t talk to each other. They shore
-must or they couldn’t know jist when to cut loose all to oncet
-thataway, and make th’ short hair on th’ back uh yore neck crawl right
-over and tickle yuh under th’ chin.
-
-That herd of Rocky Mountain canaries cuts loose right over our
-recumbent forms and scares delirious delight out of our feelin’s fer
-uh minute. They jist orates one short, “Ha-a-aaw!” and then quits
-cold.
-
-We stands erect in our blankets and sez things to them jacks, but they
-jist nods in th’ gloom, and wiggles their ears. They sorta surrounds
-us, and won’t go away. Not bein’ in need uh any more music, we gits
-peevish like.
-
-“Let’s go over across th’ crick,” sez Magpie. “Them blasted animile
-Carusos is too friendly, and it’s uh cinch they’ll stay on this side
-of th’ crick.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-We ambles down toward th’ crick, still wrapped in our blankets, like
-uh pair uh Injuns, when all to oncet we gits another sensation.
-
-“Whang! Zee-e-e-e! Whang! Zee-e-e-e!”
-
-Th’ gentle evenin’ is shattered. It’s bad enough to have yore
-ear-drums shattered, but when each shatter is followed by uh handful
-uh bird-shot, which “skees” and “zees” across yore form and fills yore
-eyes with lint from yore blanket, it’s time to investigate. Magpie is
-near th’ crick bank when it happens, and I looks up jist in time to
-see Magpie disappear over th’ bank, and uh splash informs me that he
-is in th’ wet.
-
-“My ——!” I hears uh voice opine. “I believe I hit them. I wish I had
-some buckshot, but I haven’t and——”
-
-“Bung! Zee-e-e-e!” goes that scatter-gun ag’in, only this time it’s
-both barrels. I hears Magpie spit out uh personal cuss word and splash
-back into th’ crick.
-
-“Heaven is my home,” states uh voice in th’ gloom, which I recognizes
-as bein’ that of th’ doctor, and I hears him rastlin’ around in th’
-brush.
-
-“Where’s that blamed gun, anyway?” he whines. “I never shot two loads
-to once before, and after this——”
-
-“Cut—cut—cut it out, yuh blamed maverick!” quavers Magpie, and I sees
-his arms wavin’ over th’ bank of th’ crick in uh signal uh distress.
-
-“Gracious! Did I hit you? Did it go past you?” yells th’ doc.
-
-Magpie raises his string-bean carcass on th’ bank, shakes th’ water
-out of his hair, and whoops:
-
-“What went past? Yuh blasted, overfed, red-faced porkypine. What do
-yuh reckon yo’re tryin’ to do?”
-
-“Calm yourself,” advises th’ doc. “If it hadn’t been for me you all
-might be dead. What do you think of that?”
-
-“Fine,” sez Magpie. “I’m like Patrick Henry thataway. If I can’t have
-liberty I’ll take uh li’l death. When fellers like you are pesticatin’
-around uh feller’s liberty is shore restricted. What was yuh tryin’ to
-kill, anyway?”
-
-“What made that noise?” hedges th’ doc. “What made it, eh? I heard it,
-and comes out to investigate. I saw what I took to be two skulking
-animals, so I gave each one a load of shot. One of them jumped into
-the creek, but I gave it both barrels as it went out the other side.
-This gun kicked so hard that it was impossible for me to determine
-what my execution was. I hope it was deadly.”
-
-“If I ever has uh hand in it, Doc, it shore will,” sez Magpie. “Better
-go on back to bed.”
-
-Th’ doc ambles back to his bed, and we recovers Magpie’s blanket. It
-jist missed uh watery grave.
-
-“Gosh,” sez Magpie. “Missed with both barrels at ninety feet. Let’s go
-over in th’ brush and sleep. Mebby them jacks will wail ag’in, and yuh
-can’t expect uh feller to miss every time with uh scatter-gun.”
-
-“Was it uh female?” asks uh husky voice behind us, and there stands
-th’ perfessor in uh white nightie, on one foot, while he industriously
-picks cactus out of th’ other. He looks like th’ ghost of some hy-iu
-white crane.
-
-“What you heard, Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “was uh fool! Better git back
-to bed before he mistakes yuh fer uh white owl.”
-
-“Yeaus. Exactly,” agrees th’ ol’ coot, and he limps back. Magpie is uh
-bit damp, but th’ night is warm, so he states that he’d rather sleep
-thataway than to take uh chance on goin’ near th’ cabin.
-
-We sleeps some late th’ next mornin’, and th’ first thing we hears is
-that blamed shotgun. Somewhere up th’ gulch th’ doc is tearin’ holes
-in th’ solitude. We ambles up to th’ cabin, and finds Mrs. Perfessor
-settin’ on th’ steps. Honest to grandma, she’s uh sight. That person
-wa’n’t no beautiful vi’let last night, but this mornin’ she don’t
-qualify a-tall.
-
-“_Klahowya_,” sez Magpie. “Did yuh sleep well, ma’am?”
-
-“Oh, there you are,” sez she, ignorin’ Magpie’s salutation, and
-lookin’ at me. “When do I get some hot water?”
-
-“Drink or laundry?” I asks.
-
-She bristles up as much as uh fat woman like her can bristle after uh
-night on uh real hard bunk, and snorts—
-
-“Do you expect me to wash in cold water?”
-
-“Ma’am,” sez I, “when it comes to expectin’ things I pass up wimmen.
-Not havin’ known me only uh few hours, and most uh them at night, I
-don’t see why my expectations should interest yuh so much. In this
-country uh person don’t git so awful dirty jist sleepin’, so we figger
-that anybody what is so much of uh dude as to want to wash in th’
-mornin’ can do it in cold water.”
-
-“I want some hot water and I want it immediately!” she howls, and
-waddles into th’ cabin.
-
-“I’d say that th’ perfessor is more to be pitied than censured,” sez
-Magpie. “After listenin’ to her, and observin’ her face and figger, I
-can’t believe th’ perfessor’s statement that he’s ignorant uh natural
-history. She’s shore uh bear, Ike, and I’d——”
-
-“Is that water ready for my ablution?” sez Mrs. Perfessor, stickin’
-her head out of th’ door.
-
-“Right away,” sez I, goin’ over and pickin’ up some sticks.
-
-I don’t aim to invade her boodwah. Our stove ain’t five feet from my
-bunk, so I makes our li’l fire outside. Magpie follers me over with uh
-can uh water and puts it on th’ fire.
-
-“Cripes!” sez he. “Ain’t uh woman uh queer proposition, Ike? She said
-at first that she wants to wash her face and——”
-
-“She said she wanted to wash. She didn’t designate her face, Magpie.”
-
-“That’s right. What is a ablution, Ike?”
-
-“How do I know,” I snorts. “I ain’t no ladies’ maid, Magpie. If yuh
-wanted to know about rattlesnakes I’d be up on that.”
-
-I gives her th’ can uh hot water and she operates in th’ cabin, so we
-don’t know yet what she done. I jist gits breakfast on th’ fire when
-th’ doc shows up. He does uh double shuffle in th’ trail when he gits
-in sight and seems tickled all over about somethin’.
-
-“You haven’t got breakfast ready yet have you?” he whoops, as he leans
-his shotgun ag’in th’ cabin. “Heaven is my home! At last I have hit
-something.”
-
-He digs down in th’ pockets of his huntin’ coat, and dumps uh pile uh
-birds on th’ ground.
-
-“Blue grouse,” he pronounces. “I found a fine flock of them up th’
-gulch. Can we have them for breakfast, Mister Harper?”
-
-“How perfectly lovely,” gurgles Mrs. Perfessor. “I adore wild game.
-This will be a breakfast to remember. It must be wonderful to live in
-a country like this where you can go out and kill your meals.”
-
-“Yeaus,” agrees th’ perfessor. “I’ll have mine grilled, if you don’t
-mind.”
-
-I looks at Magpie, who is rollin’ uh cigaret and lookin’ at th’
-ground, and sez to him—
-
-“How would you like yore’s, Mister Simpkins?”
-
-“Never eat meat fer breakfast,” he states. “I’ll jist take some mush
-and bacon. Anyway, there ain’t more’n enough fer our guests.”
-
-“I can go and git some more,” sez th’ happy sawbones. “Greatest sport
-I ever had. They’re not a bit wild. I’m going to enjoy this meal
-because it’s the first one I ever furnished in this way.”
-
-It was th’ only one of its kind I ever cooked, that’s uh cinch. They
-ate ’em, but there was’n’t much joy over that meal. Th’ Doc rastles
-one of ’em around fer uh while and gits up enough appetite to eat
-flap-jacks. When he finishes he lights one uh them burn-easy cigarets
-and opines to me that blue grouse is overrated as uh delicacy. I ain’t
-got th’ heart to disagree with him, and Magpie jist nods and turns
-away to light uh cigaret. Moose birds ain’t edzactly what you’d call
-“sweet and tender.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-“Are yuh ready to go with me?” asks Magpie, when we’re alone ag’in.
-
-“Go where?”
-
-“Down to see Mighty Jones.”
-
-“It ain’t goin’ to take two of us to bring that tame ol’ bear back
-here, Magpie, and besides I’m goin’ to be uh heap busy tryin’ to
-locate uh offspring fer it.”
-
-“We ain’t goin’ to bring it back here, Ike. Ain’t yuh got no
-imagination a-tall? Th’ perfessor orates that he desires uh wild
-grizzly, and it’s uh cinch he ain’t ignorant enough to accept uh
-domestic bear. We got to produce this here animile in his native
-haunts to make th’ play come right.”
-
-All th’ time we’re pilgrimin’ down to Mighty’s wickiup he’s ponderin’
-on uh place to stake out that bear.
-
-“Better git th’ cub and it’s mama before yuh rents uh bungaloo fer
-’em,” I advises. “I feels that there’s liable to be many uh slip from
-th’ grizzly to th’ perfessor. I needs that two hundred, Magpie, but
-when it comes to gittin’ into trouble, Ike Harper is neutral.”
-
-This here li’l ol’ goat-headed Jones party sticks his head out of his
-cabin door and stares at me and Magpie. He don’t look friendly a-tall.
-
-“We come down to git yer bear,” sez Magpie. “In th’ interests uh
-science I asks yuh to——”
-
-Mighty must uh had that shotgun in his hand behind th’ door, ’cause
-Magpie only gits uh runnin’ start on his oration when we’re gazin’
-down uh two-barreled muzzle-loader.
-
-“Git!” sez Mighty.
-
-Magpie looks right past Mighty’s off ear and yells—
-
-“Don’t hit him with that club!”
-
-I reckon Mighty must uh been excited to fall fer uh trick as ol’ as
-that, but he did. He whirls that ol’ gun around, an th’ next thing he
-knowed, Magpie has him pinned to th’ floor and I’m removin’ the caps
-off that gun.
-
-“Now,” sez Magpie, “mebby you’ll listen to reason.”
-
-“I will like ——!” snaps Mighty. “I’ll listen to what Magpie Simpkins
-has to say, but I’ll be teetotally danged if I’ll agree that it’s
-reason.”
-
-“We comes on uh peaceful mission and meets uh armed force,” states
-Magpie. “If yuh wants visitors to carry uh flag uh truce, why don’t
-yuh advertise th’ fact, Mighty?”
-
-“I minds my own business,” snorts Mighty. “Go ahead and talk, and I’ll
-listen if it chokes me.”
-
-Magpie sets on Mighty’s floatin’ ribs, and tells him our troubles.
-
-“But my bear ain’t no fe-male and I ain’t got no cub,” protests
-Mighty. “Anyway, ol’ Abe is sick. I reckon he’s gittin’ too blamed
-ol’. Seems like he don’t harbor nothin’ but uh bellyache, Magpie. I
-been dopin’ th’ ol’ sinner fer weeks to keep him on his feet.
-Dog-gone, he’s th’ only friend I got left. I tries to give him uh dose
-uh castor ile yesterday, and he tore my shirt off and swallers th’
-whole bottle. I don’t reckon it’ll do him any good thataway do you?”
-
-“If yuh knowed jist what part uh his anatomy it’s reposin’ in yuh
-might kick him and loosen th’ cork,” I suggests, but Mighty shakes his
-head.
-
-“It can’t be done, Ike. Th’ cork was broke off short.”
-
-“Where is he now?” asks Magpie, risin’ from Mighty’s carcass, and
-settin’ on th’ bunk.
-
-Mighty rubs th’ creases out of his skin, and rolls uh smoke.
-
-“He’s up on th’ hill back uh my stable, I reckon. Danged ol’ toothless
-walloper’s done formed uh friendship with uh badger. Can yuh beat it?
-Them two sets up there on uh rock in th’ sun and snoozes all day.”
-
-“Heavenly dove!” whoops Magpie, grab-bin’ Mighty by th’ wishbone. “Do
-yuh suppose they’re up there now?”
-
-“I reckon,” gasps Mighty. “Leggo my neck, dog-gone yuh. What’s there
-to git excited about?”
-
-“Do yuh reckon we could ketch that badger?” askes Magpie.
-
-“I reckon yuh could. He ain’t uh bit wild. I pretty nigh puts my hands
-on him yesterday when I goes up to try and feed Abe some liver pills.
-I leaves some fer th’ badger but I don’t reckon he took ’em.”
-
-“Tell yuh what I’ll do,” sez Magpie. “If you’ll rent us yore bear and
-help us take him over to that ol’ tunnel uh Big Foot Smith’s and let
-us use him fer uh few days I’ll give yuh ten dollars. We’ll guarantee
-not to hurt th’ ol’ feller none.”
-
-“That’s reasonable, Magpie, but I don’t sabe what yuh wants th’ badger
-fer.”
-
-“If we can pass ol’ Abe off as uh fe-male grizzly, I don’t reckon
-we’ll have much trouble in passin’ that badger off fer its cub.
-Dog-gone it, they look uh heap like uh li’l bear, at that, Mighty.”
-
-“How yuh goin’ to ketch him?” I asks.
-
-“That’s yore chore, Ike. Git uh rope and make good.”
-
-Th’ Harper tribe allus was noted fer their gameness. I gits Mighty’s
-rope and ambles up back of th’ stable. I sees th’ bear. He’s sunnin’
-out there on uh ledge uh rock, and don’t pay no attention to me
-a-tall. I reckon he’s got troubles of his own which keeps him
-occupied. I sneaks around behind him, and there I sees Mister Badger.
-He’s shore uh whopper, and he’s stretched out on th’ rock with his
-head turned th’ other way.
-
-I gits th’ loop to swingin’ right, and braces my feet. I ain’t what
-you’d call a expert with uh rope. In fact I’m of th’ garden variety
-when it comes to swingin’ th’ rope, but I’m game. I gives th’ rope uh
-last whirl and lets her go. Did I git that badger? I’d tell uh man I
-did! Also, I gits th’ bear.
-
-Uh bear and uh badger may be good pals when they’re separated, but
-friendship ceases when yuh pulls ’em together in th’ loop of uh rope.
-Also they makes it uncomfortable fer th’ party on th’ other end of th’
-rope.
-
-When I stops at th’ cabin I ain’t wearin’ no pants, but I got uh’
-strangle holt on that ol’ badger. Pore ol’ Abie gits loose about
-half-way home, and he shore moves spry-like to th’ top of th’ cabin,
-where he orates his displeasure and shows symptoms uh liver trouble.
-They helps me hog-tie that badger, and then Mighty complains uh heap
-about his pet.
-
-“Ike, yuh ought to be careful about Abe,” sez he. “There wa’n’t no
-sense in gittin’ him all excited thataway. Mebby he’ll have uh
-relapse, and I ain’t got uh liver pill left. He’s uh sick animile.”
-
-“Th’ —— he is!” sez I. “He tore my pants off, and almost clears th’
-cabin in one jump, so I don’t reckon he’s so danged bad off. We got
-female folks at our house, so I reckon yuh better loan me uh pair uh
-pants to go home in, Mighty.”
-
-He ain’t got nothin’ but uh pair uh overalls, which don’t meet by six
-inches at th’ waist and lingers jist below th’ knee, but I puts ’em
-on. We ties th’ badger to uh pole, which me and Magpie packs, and
-Mighty leads Abe and his bellyache with uh rope. Big Foot’s prospect
-ain’t been worked fer so long that it’s all grown up ag’in and looks
-like uh natcheral cave.
-
-“Here’s th’ idea,” states Magpie. “We’ll put th’ bear and badger in
-th’ ol’ tunnel. Then we’ll git th’ perfessor and his outfit to come
-over and see us separate them. We’ll keep that alleged cub over to th’
-cabin long enough to satisfy th’ perfessor. Sabe?”
-
-“You got another think comin’ if you thinks that Abe and that ol’
-badger is goin’ to hibernate peaceful like in that hole while yu goes
-over to head th’ peerade,” objects Mighty. “Since Ike stirred ’em up
-thataway, Abe ain’t acted noways friendly toward th’ badger, and said
-badger ain’t got no love fer nobody after ridin’ upside down on uh
-pole fer two miles. How am I goin’ to know how Abie’s bellyache is,
-all this time. I can’t stay with him.”
-
-“Do you think I’m goin’ to lose all that money jist because there
-ain’t no love lost between two dumb brutes?” snorts Magpie. “Big Foot
-must uh been afraid that somebody was goin’ to invade his ol’ prospect
-when he built that door at th’ entrance, but he shore simplified
-things fer us. We’ll stick Abe and his imitation cub inside an’ block
-th’ door. By th’ time we git back they’ll be friendly ag’in.”
-
-“Abie’s bellyache—” begins Mighty, but Magpie shuts him up.
-
-“Gosh A’mighty, you gives me uh pain! No wonder that pore bear’s got
-uh stummick ache. You’d give uh wooden Injun th’ pip, Mighty. Mebby if
-yuh quits givin’ him all them patent medicines he’d be uh heap better
-bear and last longer. That stuff’s causin’ all his hair to come out.
-If yuh don’t quit he won’t even make uh decent rug.”
-
-Abie goes in plumb willin’ but the badger objects. He tries to squeeze
-out, but twistin’ uh stick in his hide sorta disgusts him and he
-retires. Mighty pilgrims off home, and me and Magpie goes back to our
-cabin.
-
-“Ike,” orates Magpie, “this is uh cinch. That badger resembles uh li’l
-bear uh heap, don’t yuh know it? Also, Abie is so shy on hair that
-nobody could prove whether he’s black, brown or gray. Let’s be glad.”
-
-“Lets be glad uh li’l later on,” I suggests. “I’m strong on this here
-gladsome stuff, Magpie, but this here idea uh countin’ yore scientific
-experiments before they’re done experimentin’ is uh heap like lightin’
-yore last match to see if it’s uh good one before yuh goes to th’
-trouble uh makin’ uh cigaret.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-Th’ perfessor is sunnin’ hisself by th’ cabin when we gits back, and
-th’ doc is fussin’ with uh pho-tygraft apparatus. They welcomes us
-real heartily, and th’ perfessor is uh heap excited and pleased to
-know that we’re ready fer th’ experiment.
-
-“I hope I can get some good action in a bear picture,” states th’ doc.
-“It will help in provin’ th’ perfessor’s experiments.”
-
-That was some pilgrimage. We strings out in single file, with Magpie
-in th’ lead and th’ perfessor next. We places th’ fe-male next in
-line, allowin’ considerable space between her and th’ doc, in case she
-should rear up and fall over backwards on some of th’ steep pitches.
-Also, fer safety sake I packs th’ doc’s shotgun. When we reaches the
-alleged bear den we finds Mighty settin’ at th’ door.
-
-“Abe’s ailin’ ag’in,” sez he, solemn like, lookin’ th’ outfit over.
-
-“Who is Abe?” asks th’ doc.
-
-“His pardner,” states Magpie, winkin’ hard at Mighty. “He seems to
-have pains in his stummick most of th’ time.”
-
-“Appendicitis,” pronounces th’ doc. “May need an operation.”
-
-“Doctor,” sez th’ perfessor, “this is no time to talk of operations.
-Prepare your camera and try and picture the proceedings.” And then he
-asks Magpie—
-
-“Are you sure that the mother and young are in the cave?”
-
-“Pore ol’ Abe comes to th’ door and—” complains Mighty, but th’ doc
-pats him on th’ shoulder and sez:
-
-“Never mind. Just as soon as possible I will diagnose his case. I may
-have to remove his appendix.”
-
-“I don’t reckon that’s what ails him a-tall,” states Mighty. “Yuh see
-he’s been used to havin’ his meat cut up fer him but, bein’ as I ain’t
-no Daniel, I didn’t care to center th’ den, so I jist throws in uh
-saddle uh venison to him and slams th’ door. Mebby he overeats.”
-
-“Unique way to treat a patient, isn’t it, Doctor?” puffs Mrs.
-Perfessor, from where she rests her bulk on uh log.
-
-“It is,” agrees th’ doc, reprovin’ like. “You should have given him
-some broth.”
-
-“Never had none,” sez Mighty. “Patent medicines don’t help him none,
-anyway. Say, Magpie, I got to worryin’ about Abe and his roommate
-gittin’ in uh fight so I comes over after you left and tied th’ cub to
-uh timber in there.”
-
-That made it plumb easy. All we has to do is go inside, lead th’ cub
-out and shut th’ door. Ol’ Abe pokes his head out and wails uh few
-stanzas, and th’ doc snaps his pitcher machine.
-
-“Wonderful!” whoops th’ perfessor. “You men have earned that bonus
-right now. You have shown yourselves so competent that I am willing to
-chance the rest of it. Do you suppose your friend here, with the sick
-partner, would accept a small remuneration for his services?”
-
-“Without uh doubt,” sez Mighty, before Magpie has uh chance to open
-his mouth and th’ perfessor slips Mighty a yaller-backed bill.
-
-“Thanks, ol’-timer,” sez Mighty. “That’ll buy me one uh them things
-what yuh grind meat up in. Yuh see, Abe’s teeth ain’t what they used
-to be, and when he eats meat he gits them pains and he’s liable to
-bite or claw ——, I begs yore pardon, ma’am, out uh me.”
-
-“Not appendicitis symptoms,” states th’ doc. “Does he have
-hallucinations?”
-
-“No,” sez Mighty. “Leastwise I don’t reckon he has. He’s showed
-symptoms uh St. Vitus dance and th’ bellyache and has moulted most of
-his hair, but I reckon that ol’ age sneakin’ up on him makes him
-thataway more’n anythin’ else.”
-
-“How old is he?” asks Mrs. Perfessor.
-
-“Don’t know edzactly, ma’am. I killed his mother when he was comin’ uh
-year ol’ but I don’t remember what year that was. He’s had uh lot uh
-sickness, ma’am, and most all th’ hair’s rubbed off his belly, which
-uh course makes him look older than he really is. Sabe?”
-
-Mebby she don’t sabe, but anyway, she don’t ask no more questions. She
-takes uh sixty hoss-power look at Mighty, and ambles right off up th’
-trail. Th’ doc looks sorta surprised at Mighty, but th’ perfessor
-don’t pay no attention. He’s busy gloatin’ over that badger.
-
-“Gracious,” sez he. “The young of the grizzly surely do mature young.
-Doctor, just look at those claws. Do they lose that stripe on the back
-like a young deer loses it’s spots?”
-
-“Uh-huh,” sez Magpie. “All bears is striped when they’re born, except
-black ones and they’re purple”.
-
-Me and Magpie has to pack that badger all th’ way over to our cabin.
-We tries to lead it, but that wasn’t a success. It starts all right,
-but th’ perfessor is in th’ road, figgerin’ in his note-book. That
-rope gits familiar with his long legs, and he’s some strung out when
-we gits ’em separated, but he don’t mind. He sets there on th’ ground
-and figgers in his note-book, while we untangles th’ rope off his
-feet, and never pays no attention a-tall.
-
-When we gits home we ties th’ badger to uh tree. Me and Magpie figgers
-that our labors is over fer uh while, so we aims to take life easy fer
-uh spell. Th’ doc is busy shootin’ up th’ tin cans around camp, Mrs.
-Perfessor is croshayin’ what looks like uh pair uh ear-muffs fer uh
-blacktail deer, and th’ perfessor is studyin’ th’ actions of uh peeved
-badger, so me and Magpie goes down on th’ crick, where we got some
-bedrock stripped.
-
-We’re busy pannin’ out some dirt about an hour later when we hears an
-uproar back at th’ cabin.
-
-“Now, somebody has gone and raised ——” snorts Magpie. “Them is
-natcherally quiet folks, Ike, and not given to loud nor unseemly
-noises, so there must be uh good reason. Mebby that danged badger’s
-got away.”
-
-“More likely th’ doc’s hit somethin’,” I orates. “Mebby he mistakes
-th’ perfessor’s wife fer uh tin can. She’s built thataway.”
-
-We hikes back to camp and finds things considerable disturbed. Th’ doc
-is settin’ on th’ steps of th’ cabin, wearin’ uh injured expression
-and uh torn shirt. Mrs. Perfessor is limpin’ around th’ place like uh
-hound pup cuttin’ circles to find uh place to lay down. Perfessor
-Phinney is still settin’ there studyin’ th’ badger, which seems
-considerable riled over somethin’.
-
-“What’s th’ trouble?” asks Magpie.
-
-“Maternal instinct!” snorts th’ doc.
-
-“Nothing to get excited about,” wheezes th’ lady, tearin’ uh strip uh
-cloth off her skirt, and cinchin’ up uh cut on her wrist. “Perhaps it
-wasn’t a complete success, Doctor, but we’ll have to do it again
-sooner or later. It was merely a humane act.”
-
-“Then I’m not very strong for humanity. Hereafter I draw the line to
-playing wet nurse to a grizzly.”
-
-“We overlooked one point,” states Mrs. Perfessor, wise like. “To
-remove an offspring of that age from its mother is like taking the
-sunshine from the flowers or the dew from the grass. Know what I
-mean?”
-
-“She means,” states th’ doc, fingerin’ th’ long gash in his pant leg.
-“She means that th’ blasted brute needs milk to prolong its young
-life, and she induces me to help her let it imbibe condensed milk from
-a can.”
-
-“It was interesting to note that condensed milk did not appeal to its
-palate,” remarks th’ perfessor, makin’ more notes in his book.
-
-“My ——,” sez Magpie. “Did yuh try to feed it cold canned milk?”
-
-“Yes, did it need warming?” asks th’ lady.
-
-“Shore thing. They won’t eat it cold. Next time yuh wants to set th’
-can on the stove fer about fifteen minutes.”
-
-“Live and learn,” quotes th’ doc. “I knew something was wrong.”
-
-That night Mighty Jones comes over to git somethin’ fer uh tooth ache.
-
-“Gol’ A’mighty,” sez he. “I got to have somethin’ or lose my mind.”
-
-“If that’s all, yuh ain’t so danged bad off,” sez Magpie. “But rather
-than see yuh lose somethin’ yuh never had I’ll let yuh take our Jap
-oil bottle. Rub uh li’l on th’ tooth, and she’ll be better than new.”
-
-Mighty takes th’ bottle and goes off down th’ trail holdin’ on to his
-jaw. Did yuh ever hear of Jap oil? It’s th’ concentrated essense uh
-dynamite, hell’s fire and asphyxiation. It cures anything. Never knew
-anybody to ask fer uh second helpin’, but it shore is uh whole
-medicine chest fer uh prospector. It’s jist as good fer penumonia as
-it is fer uh busted leg, and I knowed uh feller oncet who kept th’
-pack-rats out of his cabin by jist pastin’ th’ label off uh bottle on
-his front door. Achin’ teeth is jist uh vacation chore to that
-medicine.
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-Th’ next mornin’ me and Magpie goes over to do uh li’l work on th’
-crick, and th’ doc goes off across th’ hills with his shotgun. Th’
-perfessor and th’ badger gits busy watchin’ each, other ag’in. Long
-about ten o’clock we decides to drift back to camp to see how things
-is progressin’.
-
-We’re up on uh point above th’ shack where we can git uh clear view uh
-th’ country, and about two hundred yards below th’ cabin we sees th’
-doc. He’s doin’ uh reg’-lar Injun sneak in some bull-pines. We watches
-him sorta sad like fer uh while, figgerin’ that he won’t hit what he’s
-sneakin’ on, when we happens to see what he’s after. Up th’ creek
-bottom comes Mighty Jones and Abe. Abe is humpin’ along about ten feet
-ahead uh Mighty. Mighty seems uh heap sore at th’ bear, and anxious to
-overtake him.
-
-“Blasted ol’ ossified porkypine,” wails Magpie. “Bringin’ that
-moth-eaten, alleged grizzly right over where it spoils our whole game.
-Let’s git down there and stop him in th’ brush.”
-
-We breaks down past camp. Th’ perfessor is still studyin’ th’ badger.
-Mrs. Perfessor sticks her head out of th’ door and yells somethin’ at
-us as we goes past, but we don’t stop—not a-tall. We’re jist passin’
-th’ cabin, when:
-
-“Blam! Blam!” goes doc’s shotgun down in th’ timber.
-
-“Come on, Ike!” pants Magpie, stretchin’ out his long legs like uh
-bull elk goin’ to water, and hurdlin’ everythin’ except the
-lodge-pole. He didn’t need to waste his wind thataway. I’m with him.
-
-We busts into uh li’l clearin’, where we first sees th’ doc doin’ his
-sneak, and we runs into th’ queerest bunch uh misery I ever seen. I’ve
-seen uh cougar with th’ St. Vitus dance and an ulcerated tooth, and
-I’ve beheld uh jack-rabbit which was shot in th’ north end with uh
-load uh rock-salt, but by th’ whisperin’ wolves, this here exhibition
-makes ’em all look like uh stachoo uh peaceful moments. Right there in
-th’ clearin’ is pore ol’ Abe, and he shore is adjustin’ hisself to
-suit local conditions.
-
-First he puts his head down between his front legs and does uh lot uh
-contortion work that would stump uh snake. He whizzes across th’
-clearin’ like uh fur pin-wheel, uncouples hisself and comes back with
-his nose in th’ dirt and sorrow in his soul.
-
-He’s jist about half-way back, and me and Magpie is standin’ there
-with our jaw-bones restin’ on our chests, when:
-
-“Bling! Bling!” goes uh six-gun.
-
-Not knowin’ th’ angle uh them shots, we immediate and soon assumes uh
-reclinin position.
-
-Mebby them shots was uh heap opportune, cause if we hadn’t uh laid
-down of our own accord, ol’ Abe shore would have spread us some.
-
-He didn’t seem to pay no attention to them shots, but somethin’ in his
-carcass seems to say, “Go east, ol’ bear, go east,” and Abie shore
-heeds th’ summons, and hurries right across us.
-
-He plants one foot on th’ part uh my carcass where uh civilized man
-wears his rear collar button, and his long toe-nails seems to shake
-dice all th’ way down my vertebray.
-
-We arises too late to see him leave, but he’s shore pointed toward our
-happy home.
-
-“Abie seems to have hit his second childhood,” yawns Magpie. “I’d ——”
-
-“Did I hit it?” yells uh voice across th’ clearin’, and there stands
-th’ doc.
-
-He shore is uh sight. He sets there, hangin’ onto uh tree, and tries
-to watch four directions to oncet. His hat is gone along with uh lot
-of his clothes, and his respect as uh big game hunter seems to leak
-out of every pore.
-
-“There was two,” he wails. “I shot one, and before I could see whether
-I had killed it or not, the other one walked all over me. I didn’t
-know they went in flocks. I lost my gun. I wonder if I hit it?”
-
-“You did,” states uh voice behind us, and there stands Mighty Jones.
-He’s standin’ sorta bent forward at th’ waist line, while one hand
-explores th’ rear of his pants.
-
-“Did I hit it?” asks th’ Doc, ag’in, sorta eager like, and Mighty
-replies more in sorrow than in anger:
-
-“You shore did. Both loads, dad bust yore soul—and me without no
-drawers on. I tries to smear yuh with my six-gun, but finds that all
-I’m shootin’ at is yore hat and part uh yore shirt on uh bush.”
-
-“Say, Mighty,” sez Magpie, gittin’ around on th’ windward side of th’
-ol’ jasper, “you must uh took uh bath in that Jap oil. You shore are
-odoriferous, ol’-timer. Whew!”
-
-“It slopped uh li’l,” sez Mighty. Abe was ailin’ somethin’ awful over
-in that ol’ prospect, and I figgers that th’ doc would relieve him uh
-heap if I brings him over. I reads th’ epitaph on that bottle and it
-orates that it’s good fer cramps.
-
-“I tries to give some to Abe but he don’t warm up to th’ smell a-tall.
-In fact he won’t even associate with me, and ambles ahead uh me all
-th’ way over. Down here uh li’l ways I manages to overhaul him and
-shoves th’ whole works down his blamed neck. It shore animates him uh
-heap, Magpie. I’m watchin’ him go spry like and loudly off into the
-brush, when all to oncet two loads uh bird-shot comes along and hives
-into th’ seat uh my pants. It riles me uh heap. I’ll leave it to you
-if bird-shot ain’t aggravatin’, Magpie.”
-
-Th’ doc gits enough of th’ conversation to learn that he’s shot
-Mighty, and he seems uh heap concerned. He’s still hangin’ onto that
-tree, but he holds up his other hand and sez:
-
-“No more, I’m through using a gun. Mister Jones, would you accept that
-gun as a present?”
-
-“Now, ain’t that ——?” wails Mighty. “Ain’t it, Magpie? Here I been
-wantin’ uh britch loader shotgun fer years, and jist when somebody
-gives me one I’ve already tied th’ danged thing around uh tree so it
-won’t never shoot no more. Ain’t that cheerin’?”
-
-“Well,” sez I, “lets go up to th’ cabin and see how things is shapin’
-up there. I has uh feelin’ that all our good works is ravelin’ out.”
-
-                  *       *       *       *       *
-
-We gits almost to th’ cabin when we sees th’ perfessor. He’s settin’
-on th’ ground near where th’ badger was tied to uh tree, but there
-ain’t no sign of th’ badger, and Abe ain’t in sight.
-
-Th’ perfessor’s black coat is split up th’ back, and his hard hat is
-circlin’ his arm like uh band uh crape. There’s uh scratch th’ whole
-length uh his face, but he’s still grinnin’ and tryin’ to write on one
-leaf uh that li’l book. Th’ rest is some tore up and scattered.
-
-“I was right!” he squeaks. “I told Professor Manning that the parent
-bear would seek and find its young. They went away together. I had
-untied the cub to take it down to the creek for a drink, when the
-outraged mother came along and forcibly freed her baby. She——”
-
-“Bang!”
-
-From th’ inside of th’ cabin comes th’ report of uh heavy shootin’
-iron, and Mrs. Perfessor spills out of th’ door, and skates her three
-hundred pounds off th’ porch. She sets there and claws th’ hair out of
-her eyes.
-
-“Remarkable performance!” exclaims th’ perfessor. “She never fired a
-shot before.”
-
-“It—it—it buh—buh—busted,” she stutters, pointin’ at th’ cabin.
-
-“Wimmin ought to let guns alone—also some men,” states Mighty, still
-prospectin’ fer lead on th’ rear of his personal property.
-
-“Gun,” snorts th’ injured lady. “It wasn’t no gun.”
-
-“What was it, my dear?” asks th’ Perfessor.
-
-“Milk,” she snaps. “Milk for the bear. It just got hot and blew up.”
-
-“My ——,” gasps Magpie. “Ain’t that jist like uh woman. She forgot to
-punch uh hole in th’ top of th’ can.”
-
-“Never mind, my dear,” consoles th’ perfessor. “My contention is
-proved, and we can leave at once. We’ll adjust matters with our
-employees and go home.”
-
-“What about th’ snake theory, Perfessor?” I asks.
-
-“Do they or don’t they?” he asks, haulin’ out th’ remains uh that li’l
-book.
-
-“They don’t,” sez I. “They never have and never will.”
-
-“At least I can point with pride to the fact that I hit something,”
-remarks th’ doc with uh grin, when he gits on his burro and lights
-another one uh them stinkin’ rolls. “I’m sorry I didn’t have a rifle,
-I might have killed a bear.”
-
-“If yuh can see this far, and sabe th’ direction, yuh might point with
-pride to th’ fact that I can’t set down fer uh week,” orates Mighty.
-
-“Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “would yuh mind tellin’ me jist edzactly what
-competent means?”
-
-Th’ perfessor adjusts th’ remains uh that hard hat on his peaked head,
-and squints at Magpie over th’ top uh them funereal-rimmed glasses.
-“Why,—er—it means, adequate or sufficient.”
-
-“Thanks,” sez Magpie. “It shore is and we have had. _Adios._”
-
-“It stands to reason—” begins Magpie, as th’ caravan goes off down th’
-trail, with Mrs. Perfessor’s burro squeakin’ and groanin’ at th’ rear,
-but Mighty ceases scratchin’ long enough to snort:
-
-“Reason, eh? By cripes, Magpie, that’s uh fightin’ word with th’ Jones
-fambly from now on and ever more. I listened to reason oncet, and look
-what she done to me. I got to sneak up on my belly to dinner, and pore
-ol’ Abe’s——”
-
-“Abe,” sez Magpie, “is either uh bear angel by now or uh fugitive from
-Jap oil. Here’s an extra ten dollars, Mighty. Be glad.”
-
-“That’s shore reasonable,” sez Mighty.
-
-                              THE END
-
-[Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in the August, 1917 issue of
-Adventure magazine.]
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-<p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Bearly Reasonable</p>
-  <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: W. C. Tuttle</p>
-<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: August 9, 2021 [eBook #66024]</p>
-<p style='display:block; text-indent:0; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</p>
-  <p style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em; text-align:left'>Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark</p>
-<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEARLY REASONABLE ***</div>
-<div id='i001' class='mt01 mb01 wi001'>
-  <img src='images/illus-001.jpg' alt='' style='width:100%' />
-</div>
-<div style='text-align:center; text-indent:0; margin-top:0; margin-bottom:0; margin-left:auto; margin-right:auto; '>
-<h1 style='font-size:1.4em;'>Bearly Reasonable</h1>
-<div style='margin-top:1em;'>by W. C. Tuttle </div>
-<div style='font-size:0.8em;margin-top:1em;margin-bottom:2em;'>Author of “Magpie, Diplomat,” and “Sixteen to One on Friday,” etc.</div>
-</div>
-
-<p>“Ike,” sez Magpie Simpkins, pointin’ down th’ trail, “th’ feller what
-said, ‘Th’ worst is yet to come,’ must ’a’ meant that outfit comin’
-our way.”</p>
-
-<p>I takes uh good look and agrees. In th’ lead is Ricky Henderson, on
-his calico bronc, and behind him is three figgers on burrows. Th’
-leadin’ one looks like uh cross between uh Holy Roller proselyte and
-uh fence picket. Th’ legs of th’ critter is bent back at th’ knees to
-keep its feet off th’ ground, an th’ rest of its body ’pears to have
-been soaked in starch before it seasoned.</p>
-
-<p>It’s wearin’ uh swaller-tailed coat, buttoned at th’ top, makin’ it
-swell in th’ breeze like th’ wings of uh turkey-buzzard, and th’
-peaked, side-whiskered face which bobs at th’ top is crowned with uh
-hard hat. It is also wearin’ black-rimmed specs, and enough black
-ribbon floats from th’ top to furnish mournin’ fer uh wake.</p>
-
-<p>Th’ next in line is uh fe-male person, and uh glance shows that she
-ain’t built fer neither speed nor comfort. Th’ pore li’l burrow she’s
-ridin’ is wig-waggin’ uh distress signal with its ears, and threatens
-to cave in at th’ knees in uh short time.</p>
-
-<p>Th’ next in line is one uh them human carbuncles. He’s so danged fat
-that his clothes ache, and he has to lift his yaller eyebrows plumb to
-th’ top of his bald head to git his eyes open. When I first sees his
-face I’m inclined to git th’ skin of uh aig to put on it and draw it
-to uh head.</p>
-
-<p>Behind this caravan loiters five burros and they’re so danged loaded
-down with plunder that all yuh can see is their ears. While me and
-Magpie stands on th’ steps of our cabin, at th’ Silver Threads mine,
-this aggregation peerades to uh standstill before us, and that
-she-packin’ burro hee-haws with relief.</p>
-
-<p>“Here we are,” states Ricky, turnin’ in his saddle and grinnin’ at his
-followers.</p>
-
-<p>“Thank goodness!” snorts th’ fe-male. “I feel that I’m jolted to a
-shadow. Shall we dismount?”</p>
-
-<p>“Ricky, yuh might make us used to yore friends, and tell us why you
-terminates th’ peerade at this point,” sez Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“This person,” sez Ricky, pointin’ at th’ lean critter, “is Perfessor
-Phinney. Th’ lady is his wife, and this here robust party is Doctor
-Doolittle. They’re from th’ East—” and then he turns to them:</p>
-
-<p>“Ladies and gentlemen, this slender party with th’ hairy upper lip is
-Magpie Simpkins, and th’ bow-legged party beside him is Ike Harper,
-his mate. Now that yo’re properly introduced I’ll pilgrim back. <i>Au
-revoir.</i>”</p>
-
-<p>“Yuh will—in uh hearse,” snaps Magpie. “Come back here, yuh blamed
-coyote and explain why yuh shirks yore duty. What’s th’ great idea?”</p>
-
-<p>“My duty is done,” states Ricky. “These here persons desire to hire
-competent persons so I brings’ em up here. Every man in Piperock holds
-up their hands and swears that they ain’t competent, so what could I
-do? You and Ike shore must be. I reckon th’ perfessor can tell yuh
-what he wants, Magpie. I hates to deprive yuh of my company, but I’m
-uh right busy man.”</p>
-
-<p>“No depravity, Ricky,” sez Magpie. “Run right along home.”</p>
-
-<p>And then he turns to th’ outfit. Th’ three of ’em are off their
-mounts, and busy rubbin’ th’ circulation back into their legs. I feels
-that th’ perfessor has some chore, ’cause he has quite uh strip uh
-country to hear from.</p>
-
-<p>“I—er—shall try and explain in a few words,” sez th’ perfessor,
-peekin’ at us over th’ tops of his specs. “I am up here to settle an
-argument between myself and Professor Manning. Isn’t it queer what an
-argument between friends will bring forth?”</p>
-
-<p>“Uh-huh,” agrees Magpie. “She shore is. I’ve knowed six good men to
-git killed on th’ spot, four more in th’ pen, and dozens who have been
-crippled fer life over friendly arguments.”</p>
-
-<p>“How unique!” exclaims th’ perfessor’s heavier half. “How unique.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yes’m,” agrees Magpie, “two of ’em was, but th’ rest was jist common
-ordinary arguments.”</p>
-
-<p>“As I was—er—saying,” continues th’ perfessor, “I am up here to settle
-a friendly argument.”</p>
-
-<p>“Th’ question is?” asks Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Do rattlesnakes and prairie-dogs live together in harmony, and will a
-female grizzly recognize its own offspring after it has been away
-from, it for twenty-four hours.”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s uh —— of uh reason fer comin’ way up here!” snorts Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Why didn’t yuh write to me? I’d ’a’ told yuh.”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s what I said,” cuts in th’ human carbuncle. “When you told me
-about it I——”</p>
-
-<p>“Doctor,” pipes th’ perfessor, “there’s no use arguing with me. This
-is a serious question. Professor Manning’s theory is wrong, and I am
-going to prove it.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yuh can’t prove nothin’ by uh rattler,” objects Magpie. “Also, yuh
-got uh sweet chore on yore hands when yuh tries to git uh female
-grizzly to let yuh take its cub and——”</p>
-
-<p>“Can’t I believe my own eyes?” wails th’ ol’ pelican. “Can’t I see
-these things?”</p>
-
-<p>“My husband, being a scientist, is very observing,” states Mrs.
-Perfessor.</p>
-
-<p>“Also set in his ways,” states th’ doc, lightin’ one uh them dude
-cigarets, which smells like th’ place where uh circus has jist moved
-away. “All I hope is that I get some good shooting.”</p>
-
-<p>“If th’ perfessor interviews uh fe-male grizzly and fambly, yuh shore
-stand uh good chance uh gittin’ yore wish,” sez I. “Unpack them
-long-sufferin’ jackasses and make yoreself to home. Th’ hills is
-yours.”</p>
-
-<p>“Unpack?” asks th’ perfessor. “Do you mean to remove the impedimenta
-from the backs of our beasts of burden?”</p>
-
-<p>“Bein’ funny is a art,” states Magpie, “but art ain’t appreciated here
-in th’ hills. Jist take th’ plunder off them canaries, and settle
-down.”</p>
-
-<p>“But, my man, that’s your duty. That’s part of what I’m paying you
-for.”</p>
-
-<p>Magpie looks foolish like at me and then back at th’ perfessor. Th’
-doc lifts his eyebrows to th’ eaves of his face and manages to wiggle
-one eyelid until uh person would almost admit it was uh wink.</p>
-
-<p>“Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “I ain’t yore man. I never seen yuh before,
-and I ain’t worryin’ about yuh in th’ future. I never hired out to
-yuh, and I ain’t acquainted with yore rollin’ stock to th’ extent that
-I wishes to remove their loads. Who wished yuh on to us anyway and
-why?”</p>
-
-<p>Th’ perfessor removes his hard hat and squints at Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“The—er—person who brought us up here informed me that you were
-perfectly competent. Was we misinformed?”</p>
-
-<p>“Misinformed? No, ol’-timer, you was lied to. Sabe?”</p>
-
-<p>“Th’ fact of th’ matter is this,” states th’ doc. “Professor Phinney
-wants to engage the services of you and Mister Harper. He is willing
-to pay you a reasonable amount for your services, and is also able to
-offer a substantial bonus in case you can help him prove or disprove
-his contention. Am I right, Professor?”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeaus,” drawls th’ ol’ coot.</p>
-
-<p>He’s uh funny ol’ rooster. He allus sez “Yeaus” instead uh “Uh-huh.” I
-don’t reckon he ever figgered that th’ Lord only give him one set uh
-vocal cords, or else he didn’t care if he did wear ’em out early in
-life. Every danged word he orates sounds like th’ letters had been
-carved out uh granite, and he was afraid to let ’em all fall to oncet
-fer fear some of ’em might git scratched or busted.</p>
-
-<p>“Yuh might explain th’ bonus part,” sez Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“You see,” sez th’ perfessor, “for my own personal satisfaction I
-would observe the home life of the rattlesnake and prairie-dog, but
-the most important is the test of the maternal instinct in the grizzly
-bear.</p>
-
-<p>“I shall expect you to furnish me with the opportunity to carry out
-this experiment to a satisfactory conclusion, and in case you can do
-so to my satisfaction, I am willing to remunerate you to the extent of
-two hundred dollars each. Of course I am prepared to pay you each five
-dollars per day. Do you feel competent to assist me?”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1.5em;'></div>
-
-<p>Magpie sticks his thumbs into his belt, shifts his weight on to one
-leg, and squints at them burros.</p>
-
-<p>“Ike,” sez he, “remove th’—er—imped— imped—th’ packs off them beasts
-uh burden.”</p>
-
-<p>And then to th’ perfessor:</p>
-
-<p>“Competent is my middle name. When it comes to th’ maternal instinct
-of grizzly bears I feels as competent as uh hungry coyote in uh herd
-uh sick sheep. Ike is a authority on snakes and gophers, so between us
-I reckon you’ll git enough material to last yuh a lifetime. What do
-yuh know about grizzlies?”</p>
-
-<p>“Nothing at all,” sez th’ perfessor. “I fear that I wouldn’t know one
-if I were to meet it. I’ll admit it was a foolish argument, when
-neither Professor Manning nor myself are at all familiar with natural
-history, but it is things like this that lend zest to life. Am I
-right, Mister Simpson?”</p>
-
-<p>“Simpkins,” sez Magpie. “Uh-huh, I reckon it does. Yessir, I’d shore
-agree that it might. But, Perfessor, if I was in yore place, not bein’
-familiar with grizzlies, I’d shore side-step anythin’ I met that
-wasn’t familiar. There’s one redeemin’ feature about uh grizzly—he
-don’t stop to argue. One or two uh them square-heads would put enough
-zest in uh man’s life to keep him supplied fer right smart of uh
-time.”</p>
-
-<p>Well, that shore was some outfit. Them packs looks like uh travelin’
-banquet. There’s three foldin’ bunks, sleepin’ bags, rubber bathtubs
-and most everything that uh man can’t use in th’ hills. Also there is
-enough fancy grub to feed uh roundup. I manages to git them things off
-th’ jacks, and Magpie comes over and looks ’em over.</p>
-
-<p>“My Gawd,” sez he. “This is th’ limit, hammered to uh sharp point.
-What’ll we do with ’em, Ike?”</p>
-
-<p>“Yore uh competent,” sez I. “Don’t ask me what to do, Magpie Simpson.
-Is th’ perfessor’s squaw goin’ to git supper?”</p>
-
-<p>“She is not, and yuh might call me by my right name. Th’ perfessor sez
-that he was informed by Mister Henderson that Mister Harper is th’
-best culinary artist in th’ State. Uh culinary artist is uh polite
-name fer uh bull cook, Ike.”</p>
-
-<p>“Sounds re-fined, anyway,” I agrees. “But some uh these day’s I’m
-goin’ to git my meat-hooks on Ricky Henderson, and there’s goin’ to be
-sorrow in th’ Henderson tribe. Culinary artist ——! Can’t th’ doctor
-cook?”</p>
-
-<p>“Th’ doctor can’t do nothin’, Ike. He informs me that th’ one ambition
-in life is to hit somethin’ with his shotgun. Sez he never had and
-never expects to, but he’s game to keep on tryin’.”</p>
-
-<p>Pretty soon th’ doc comes down from th’ cabin, and sets down on one of
-th’ packs. He dusts th’ end of uh cigaret on his hand, and grins at me
-and Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Some outfit, eh?” he sez. “What do yuh think of it?”</p>
-
-<p>“Well,” sez Magpie, “I knowed uh feller oncet what got hung fer sayin’
-what he thought, so with this one short remark I’ll close—awful!”</p>
-
-<p>“Exactly,” agrees th’ doc, explodin’ uh cloud uh smoke that would
-asphyxiate uh gila monster. “I quite agrees with you. You see th’
-professor has a lot more money than any ordinary professor ought to
-have and if he wishes to spend it on a proposition like this it’s none
-of our funeral.”</p>
-
-<p>“Th’ first part of yore oration sounds sensible,” sez Magpie, “but th’
-last line ain’t exactly true. Knowin’ th’ natcheral disposition of uh
-fe-male grizzly, I’d say that it might be our funeral. Jist because
-we’re merely accessories to th’ fact don’t affect th’ gray matter in
-th’ skull of uh she-grizzly.</p>
-
-<p>“All men looks alike to her. Mebby she’d shy at th’ perfessor, but I’m
-bettin’ that uh rear view of th’ ol’ boy goin’ up uh tree or doin’ th’
-vanishin’ act over uh hill might fool uh mad grizzly into thinkin’ she
-was chasin’ uh real, honest-to-grandma man. Uh course she’d find out
-her mistake, but by that time it’s too late to rectify it. No
-self-respectin’ rattler’d bite him, either, but yuh got to figger that
-nobody ever met uh self-respectin’ rattler. No, sir, I reckon we got
-to close-herd th’ perfessor.”</p>
-
-<p>“I’d be there with my shotgun,” grins th’ doc. “Mebby I could hit uh
-bear with it. That would be some satisfaction.”</p>
-
-<p>“And it wouldn’t bother th’ bear,” sez I. “If yuh feels like tryin’
-out that two-tunneled spray-weapon on uh bear, take this advice: Try
-one barrel on th’ bear and th’ other on yoreself. Mebby it’s jist uh
-li’l out uh place fer uh stranger to tell uh feller how to pass out uh
-this here vale uh tears, but uh scatter-gun don’t compare with uh
-grizzly when it comes to messy-lookin’ corpses. Them animiles shore do
-admire to take yuh apart.”</p>
-
-<p>I cooked supper that night. One thing in my favor was th’ fact that
-th’ perfessor’s wife is too hungry and tired to make any suggestions.
-I ain’t no dog-gone French cook, but I shore hates to have uh fe-male
-person tell me how to cook beans. We worries through supper without no
-casualties, and after we gits through, Mrs. Per-fessor goes to bed on
-my bunk, and th’ rest of us sets out in front of th’ cabin and smokes
-uh while.</p>
-
-<p>“My man,” sez th’ perfessor to Magpie, “it is my desire to investigate
-the grizzly theory tomorrow morning. I suppose you are prepared to
-guide me to the lair of a fairly good specimen?”</p>
-
-<p>“Shore,” sez Magpie. “Uh course I’ll have to look over my field notes
-uh while before I can locate edzactly th’ specimen yuh needs. Uh
-course yuh wants uh grizzly with uh grizzly offspring.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeaus,” drawls th’ ol’ pelican. “Yeaus, certainly. Quite naturally a
-grizzly would have a grizzly offspring.”</p>
-
-<p>“Natcherally,” agrees Magpie. “But yuh often finds ’em with black or
-brown cubs. Yuh see, Perfessor, uh she-grizzly is uh motherly ol’
-thing, and when she finds uh female black or brown bear which don’t
-treat their li’l ones properly she jist natcherally adopts ’em.”</p>
-
-<p>“Quite commendable,” nods th’ perfessor. “I must make a note of it.
-Such information is quite valuable. But don’t the other bears object
-to losing the custody of their offsprings?”</p>
-
-<p>“Quite useless,” drawls Magpie. “As I remarked before, uh grizzly
-won’t argue.”</p>
-
-<p>“I have a feeling that this trip is going to furnish some material for
-the scientists to ponder over,” laughs th’ doc, gittin’ up and
-throwin’ away his camel-hair cigaret. “I must see that my shotgun is
-in good working order.”</p>
-
-<p>“Did yuh ever shoot any fool-hens?” I asks.</p>
-
-<p>Th’ doc grins at me in uh wise sort of uh way and replies:</p>
-
-<p>“Mister Harper, I may be a poor shot, but I’m not that much of a
-tenderfoot, so don’t try that old joke on me, please.”</p>
-
-<p>Most of ’em won’t bite on th’ fool-hen stunt, fer th’ simple reason
-that there ain’t no joke about fool-hens. Now, if yuh spoke about
-snow-snakes they’d stay all Winter to git uh specimen.</p>
-
-<p>It wa’n’t edzactly what you’d call chivalry that prompts us to give up
-our cabin to our employers that night. When uh two hundred and fifty
-pound fe-male occupies yore three by six bunk, and fills th’ air with
-snores which resembles th’ grunts of uh hungry bear trying to coax uh
-fat grub out of uh rotten stump, it’s jist human nature to grab uh
-blanket and move out in th’ brush. Th’ doc crawls into his
-sleepin’-bag alongside th’ cabin, but me and Magpie holes up down near
-th’ crick.</p>
-
-<div style='height:1.5em;'></div>
-
-<p>That night I wonders out-loud, in Magpie’s hearin’, what are we goin’
-to do? Also I mentions in my oration that any man what ain’t got no
-more sense than to tie up with uh rattle-headed pardner, not
-mentionin’ any names, but givin’ uh fair description, ought to die
-early in life in self-defense.</p>
-
-<p>“Field book!” I howls at th’ Big Dipper. “He’s got uh field book what
-shows th’ dwellin’-place of suitable female grizzlies. Them records
-will show jist which said grizzly has bears by adoption and which has
-’em by maternal instinct. I’m a expert on sidewinders and gophers, eh?
-Shore. All my life I’ve laid on my belly and observed th’ home life uh
-said whistlin’ diggers and crippled crawlers. I’ve allus crawled in
-th’ best society uh Prairie Dog town. Accordin’ to th’ latest reports
-I’m livin’ in uh dug-out and cultivatin’ fangs. Pretty soon I’m due to
-coil up and bite somebody.”</p>
-
-<p>Magpie don’t say uh word all th’ time I’m reflectin’ out loud, but
-after I rolls up in my blanket and drowses off to sleep he grabs me by
-th’ shoulder and hisses in my ear—</p>
-
-<p>“Ike, I’ve got it!”</p>
-
-<p>“Keep it,” sez I. “I don’t care if we are pardners, Magpie, I don’t
-wish to share it with yuh. I know you’ve had it fer uh long time, ol’
-trapper, but I never mentioned it to anybody. If it hurts yuh worse
-than usual, I’d advise uh cold compress on yore dome.”</p>
-
-<p>“‘Mighty’ Jones,” he yells joyful like. “By cripes. I can see it all!”</p>
-
-<p>Sometimes when uh feller gits to ravin’ thataway he sez things about
-folks that he don’t like, so I don’t comment on him mentionin’ Mighty
-Jones.</p>
-
-<p>Uh course his right name ain’t Mighty. He’s uh pore li’l runty person,
-with corn-colored hair, and whiskers which makes him resemble uh
-mountain goat gone to seed. One day he gits into a argument with uh
-whale of uh jasper named “Buzzard” Bell. Buzzard is big enough to tie
-Jones in uh bow-knot, and he grins down at Jones and informs him of
-th’ fact. Jones takes off his coat, throws it on th’ floor, jumps on
-it with both boots, spits on his hands and yells:</p>
-
-<p>“I’m small but I’m Gawd A’mighty Jones!” That’s how he gits th’
-cognomen.</p>
-
-<p>He’s livin’ up in uh li’l cabin at th’ forks of Plenty Stone crick,
-and he ain’t noways friendly nor confidential. He’s plumb afraid that
-somebody will jump his alleged copper claim, which don’t assay enough
-per ton to plate uh twenty-two cartridge shell.</p>
-
-<p>“She’s goin’ to work out to uh gnat’s eyebrow, Ike,” states Magpie
-when I don’t seem uh heap concerned over his former joyful
-declaration.</p>
-
-<p>“Yuh might tell uh man yore troubles,” sez I.</p>
-
-<p>Magpie sets up in his blankets and rolls uh cigaret.</p>
-
-<p>“Yessir,” sez he, after th’ smoke is goin’, “that’s th’
-solution—partly. Ike, we could use Mighty Jones’s bear fer this here
-scientific experiment.”</p>
-
-<p>“Uh-huh,” I agrees. “We shore could, only fer several reasons.
-Mighty’s animile happens to be uh brown bear and, bein’ as its name is
-Abe, it don’t stand to reason that its got any maternal instinct, much
-less uh cub. And what is uh heap more to th’ point, Magpie: Mighty
-would perforate anybody what bothered that brute. If Mighty had about
-twice as much sense as he’s got he’d be half-witted, and I argues that
-uh fool and uh shotgun is dangerous. Them’s my sentiments, Magpie. Th’
-whole thing is crazy. Yore all crazy, Magpie. Th’ perfessor is loco,
-th’ doc is likewise afflicted and Mrs. Perfessor is showin’ symptoms.
-You been crazy fer years and years, Magpie, and I’m gittin’ suspicious
-uh myself. Let’s put some cyanide in their coffee in th’ morning, and
-then you and me will go down in Death Valley and dig fer coconuts,
-Magpie. And besides we ain’t got no cub fer Abie.”</p>
-
-<p>“Objextions all overruled, Ike. In th’ first place, Perfessor Phinney
-nor any of them wouldn’t know uh brown bear from uh grizzly, and in
-th’ second place, we’ll go down cautious like and rent Mighty’s bear.”</p>
-
-<p>“What’ll we do fer uh cub?”</p>
-
-<p>“——!” snorts Magpie. “We’re sharin’ fifty-fifty in this here ain’t we?
-Well, I done furnished my part. I got th’ mother grizzly didn’t I?
-Well, you git th’ cub. Sabe?”</p>
-
-<p>“Loan me yore field notes on cubs, will yuh? I’m uh snake specialist
-and——”</p>
-
-<p>Didn’t Magpie tell th’ perfessor he had one? Shore did. That’s what
-makes Magpie’s conduct so danged inconsistent. He didn’t have no right
-to git sore about it. Anyway, it’s showin’ danged little knowledge uh
-social etikette when uh feller hits yuh on th’ head with uh rock as
-big as yore fist—especially when yore in bed. Uh course I returns it
-in th’ proper spirit, but my feelin’s is soarin’ and I shoots high.</p>
-
-<p>Did yuh ever hear half uh dozen long-eared, flea-bitten jackasses
-split th’ stillness of th’ night with their melodjus voices? Don’t
-tell me that animiles like that don’t talk to each other. They shore
-must or they couldn’t know jist when to cut loose all to oncet
-thataway, and make th’ short hair on th’ back uh yore neck crawl right
-over and tickle yuh under th’ chin.</p>
-
-<p>That herd of Rocky Mountain canaries cuts loose right over our
-recumbent forms and scares delirious delight out of our feelin’s fer
-uh minute. They jist orates one short, “Ha-a-aaw!” and then quits
-cold.</p>
-
-<p>We stands erect in our blankets and sez things to them jacks, but they
-jist nods in th’ gloom, and wiggles their ears. They sorta surrounds
-us, and won’t go away. Not bein’ in need uh any more music, we gits
-peevish like.</p>
-
-<p>“Let’s go over across th’ crick,” sez Magpie. “Them blasted animile
-Carusos is too friendly, and it’s uh cinch they’ll stay on this side
-of th’ crick.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1.5em;'></div>
-
-<p>We ambles down toward th’ crick, still wrapped in our blankets, like
-uh pair uh Injuns, when all to oncet we gits another sensation.</p>
-
-<p>“Whang! Zee-e-e-e! Whang! Zee-e-e-e!”</p>
-
-<p>Th’ gentle evenin’ is shattered. It’s bad enough to have yore
-ear-drums shattered, but when each shatter is followed by uh handful
-uh bird-shot, which “skees” and “zees” across yore form and fills yore
-eyes with lint from yore blanket, it’s time to investigate. Magpie is
-near th’ crick bank when it happens, and I looks up jist in time to
-see Magpie disappear over th’ bank, and uh splash informs me that he
-is in th’ wet.</p>
-
-<p>“My ——!” I hears uh voice opine. “I believe I hit them. I wish I had
-some buckshot, but I haven’t and——”</p>
-
-<p>“Bung! Zee-e-e-e!” goes that scatter-gun ag’in, only this time it’s
-both barrels. I hears Magpie spit out uh personal cuss word and splash
-back into th’ crick.</p>
-
-<p>“Heaven is my home,” states uh voice in th’ gloom, which I recognizes
-as bein’ that of th’ doctor, and I hears him rastlin’ around in th’
-brush.</p>
-
-<p>“Where’s that blamed gun, anyway?” he whines. “I never shot two loads
-to once before, and after this——”</p>
-
-<p>“Cut—cut—cut it out, yuh blamed maverick!” quavers Magpie, and I sees
-his arms wavin’ over th’ bank of th’ crick in uh signal uh distress.</p>
-
-<p>“Gracious! Did I hit you? Did it go past you?” yells th’ doc.</p>
-
-<p>Magpie raises his string-bean carcass on th’ bank, shakes th’ water
-out of his hair, and whoops:</p>
-
-<p>“What went past? Yuh blasted, overfed, red-faced porkypine. What do
-yuh reckon yo’re tryin’ to do?”</p>
-
-<p>“Calm yourself,” advises th’ doc. “If it hadn’t been for me you all
-might be dead. What do you think of that?”</p>
-
-<p>“Fine,” sez Magpie. “I’m like Patrick Henry thataway. If I can’t have
-liberty I’ll take uh li’l death. When fellers like you are pesticatin’
-around uh feller’s liberty is shore restricted. What was yuh tryin’ to
-kill, anyway?”</p>
-
-<p>“What made that noise?” hedges th’ doc. “What made it, eh? I heard it,
-and comes out to investigate. I saw what I took to be two skulking
-animals, so I gave each one a load of shot. One of them jumped into
-the creek, but I gave it both barrels as it went out the other side.
-This gun kicked so hard that it was impossible for me to determine
-what my execution was. I hope it was deadly.”</p>
-
-<p>“If I ever has uh hand in it, Doc, it shore will,” sez Magpie. “Better
-go on back to bed.”</p>
-
-<p>Th’ doc ambles back to his bed, and we recovers Magpie’s blanket. It
-jist missed uh watery grave.</p>
-
-<p>“Gosh,” sez Magpie. “Missed with both barrels at ninety feet. Let’s go
-over in th’ brush and sleep. Mebby them jacks will wail ag’in, and yuh
-can’t expect uh feller to miss every time with uh scatter-gun.”</p>
-
-<p>“Was it uh female?” asks uh husky voice behind us, and there stands
-th’ perfessor in uh white nightie, on one foot, while he industriously
-picks cactus out of th’ other. He looks like th’ ghost of some hy-iu
-white crane.</p>
-
-<p>“What you heard, Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “was uh fool! Better git back
-to bed before he mistakes yuh fer uh white owl.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeaus. Exactly,” agrees th’ ol’ coot, and he limps back. Magpie is uh
-bit damp, but th’ night is warm, so he states that he’d rather sleep
-thataway than to take uh chance on goin’ near th’ cabin.</p>
-
-<p>We sleeps some late th’ next mornin’, and th’ first thing we hears is
-that blamed shotgun. Somewhere up th’ gulch th’ doc is tearin’ holes
-in th’ solitude. We ambles up to th’ cabin, and finds Mrs. Perfessor
-settin’ on th’ steps. Honest to grandma, she’s uh sight. That person
-wa’n’t no beautiful vi’let last night, but this mornin’ she don’t
-qualify a-tall.</p>
-
-<p>“<i>Klahowya</i>,” sez Magpie. “Did yuh sleep well, ma’am?”</p>
-
-<p>“Oh, there you are,” sez she, ignorin’ Magpie’s salutation, and
-lookin’ at me. “When do I get some hot water?”</p>
-
-<p>“Drink or laundry?” I asks.</p>
-
-<p>She bristles up as much as uh fat woman like her can bristle after uh
-night on uh real hard bunk, and snorts—</p>
-
-<p>“Do you expect me to wash in cold water?”</p>
-
-<p>“Ma’am,” sez I, “when it comes to expectin’ things I pass up wimmen.
-Not havin’ known me only uh few hours, and most uh them at night, I
-don’t see why my expectations should interest yuh so much. In this
-country uh person don’t git so awful dirty jist sleepin’, so we figger
-that anybody what is so much of uh dude as to want to wash in th’
-mornin’ can do it in cold water.”</p>
-
-<p>“I want some hot water and I want it immediately!” she howls, and
-waddles into th’ cabin.</p>
-
-<p>“I’d say that th’ perfessor is more to be pitied than censured,” sez
-Magpie. “After listenin’ to her, and observin’ her face and figger, I
-can’t believe th’ perfessor’s statement that he’s ignorant uh natural
-history. She’s shore uh bear, Ike, and I’d——”</p>
-
-<p>“Is that water ready for my ablution?” sez Mrs. Perfessor, stickin’
-her head out of th’ door.</p>
-
-<p>“Right away,” sez I, goin’ over and pickin’ up some sticks.</p>
-
-<p>I don’t aim to invade her boodwah. Our stove ain’t five feet from my
-bunk, so I makes our li’l fire outside. Magpie follers me over with uh
-can uh water and puts it on th’ fire.</p>
-
-<p>“Cripes!” sez he. “Ain’t uh woman uh queer proposition, Ike? She said
-at first that she wants to wash her face and——”</p>
-
-<p>“She said she wanted to wash. She didn’t designate her face, Magpie.”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s right. What is a ablution, Ike?”</p>
-
-<p>“How do I know,” I snorts. “I ain’t no ladies’ maid, Magpie. If yuh
-wanted to know about rattlesnakes I’d be up on that.”</p>
-
-<p>I gives her th’ can uh hot water and she operates in th’ cabin, so we
-don’t know yet what she done. I jist gits breakfast on th’ fire when
-th’ doc shows up. He does uh double shuffle in th’ trail when he gits
-in sight and seems tickled all over about somethin’.</p>
-
-<p>“You haven’t got breakfast ready yet have you?” he whoops, as he leans
-his shotgun ag’in th’ cabin. “Heaven is my home! At last I have hit
-something.”</p>
-
-<p>He digs down in th’ pockets of his huntin’ coat, and dumps uh pile uh
-birds on th’ ground.</p>
-
-<p>“Blue grouse,” he pronounces. “I found a fine flock of them up th’
-gulch. Can we have them for breakfast, Mister Harper?”</p>
-
-<p>“How perfectly lovely,” gurgles Mrs. Perfessor. “I adore wild game.
-This will be a breakfast to remember. It must be wonderful to live in
-a country like this where you can go out and kill your meals.”</p>
-
-<p>“Yeaus,” agrees th’ perfessor. “I’ll have mine grilled, if you don’t
-mind.”</p>
-
-<p>I looks at Magpie, who is rollin’ uh cigaret and lookin’ at th’
-ground, and sez to him—</p>
-
-<p>“How would you like yore’s, Mister Simpkins?”</p>
-
-<p>“Never eat meat fer breakfast,” he states. “I’ll jist take some mush
-and bacon. Anyway, there ain’t more’n enough fer our guests.”</p>
-
-<p>“I can go and git some more,” sez th’ happy sawbones. “Greatest sport
-I ever had. They’re not a bit wild. I’m going to enjoy this meal
-because it’s the first one I ever furnished in this way.”</p>
-
-<p>It was th’ only one of its kind I ever cooked, that’s uh cinch. They
-ate ’em, but there was’n’t much joy over that meal. Th’ Doc rastles
-one of ’em around fer uh while and gits up enough appetite to eat
-flap-jacks. When he finishes he lights one uh them burn-easy cigarets
-and opines to me that blue grouse is overrated as uh delicacy. I ain’t
-got th’ heart to disagree with him, and Magpie jist nods and turns
-away to light uh cigaret. Moose birds ain’t edzactly what you’d call
-“sweet and tender.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1.5em;'></div>
-
-<p>“Are yuh ready to go with me?” asks Magpie, when we’re alone ag’in.</p>
-
-<p>“Go where?”</p>
-
-<p>“Down to see Mighty Jones.”</p>
-
-<p>“It ain’t goin’ to take two of us to bring that tame ol’ bear back
-here, Magpie, and besides I’m goin’ to be uh heap busy tryin’ to
-locate uh offspring fer it.”</p>
-
-<p>“We ain’t goin’ to bring it back here, Ike. Ain’t yuh got no
-imagination a-tall? Th’ perfessor orates that he desires uh wild
-grizzly, and it’s uh cinch he ain’t ignorant enough to accept uh
-domestic bear. We got to produce this here animile in his native
-haunts to make th’ play come right.”</p>
-
-<p>All th’ time we’re pilgrimin’ down to Mighty’s wickiup he’s ponderin’
-on uh place to stake out that bear.</p>
-
-<p>“Better git th’ cub and it’s mama before yuh rents uh bungaloo fer
-’em,” I advises. “I feels that there’s liable to be many uh slip from
-th’ grizzly to th’ perfessor. I needs that two hundred, Magpie, but
-when it comes to gittin’ into trouble, Ike Harper is neutral.”</p>
-
-<p>This here li’l ol’ goat-headed Jones party sticks his head out of his
-cabin door and stares at me and Magpie. He don’t look friendly a-tall.</p>
-
-<p>“We come down to git yer bear,” sez Magpie. “In th’ interests uh
-science I asks yuh to——”</p>
-
-<p>Mighty must uh had that shotgun in his hand behind th’ door, ’cause
-Magpie only gits uh runnin’ start on his oration when we’re gazin’
-down uh two-barreled muzzle-loader.</p>
-
-<p>“Git!” sez Mighty.</p>
-
-<p>Magpie looks right past Mighty’s off ear and yells—</p>
-
-<p>“Don’t hit him with that club!”</p>
-
-<p>I reckon Mighty must uh been excited to fall fer uh trick as ol’ as
-that, but he did. He whirls that ol’ gun around, an th’ next thing he
-knowed, Magpie has him pinned to th’ floor and I’m removin’ the caps
-off that gun.</p>
-
-<p>“Now,” sez Magpie, “mebby you’ll listen to reason.”</p>
-
-<p>“I will like ——!” snaps Mighty. “I’ll listen to what Magpie Simpkins
-has to say, but I’ll be teetotally danged if I’ll agree that it’s
-reason.”</p>
-
-<p>“We comes on uh peaceful mission and meets uh armed force,” states
-Magpie. “If yuh wants visitors to carry uh flag uh truce, why don’t
-yuh advertise th’ fact, Mighty?”</p>
-
-<p>“I minds my own business,” snorts Mighty. “Go ahead and talk, and I’ll
-listen if it chokes me.”</p>
-
-<p>Magpie sets on Mighty’s floatin’ ribs, and tells him our troubles.</p>
-
-<p>“But my bear ain’t no fe-male and I ain’t got no cub,” protests
-Mighty. “Anyway, ol’ Abe is sick. I reckon he’s gittin’ too blamed
-ol’. Seems like he don’t harbor nothin’ but uh bellyache, Magpie. I
-been dopin’ th’ ol’ sinner fer weeks to keep him on his feet.
-Dog-gone, he’s th’ only friend I got left. I tries to give him uh dose
-uh castor ile yesterday, and he tore my shirt off and swallers th’
-whole bottle. I don’t reckon it’ll do him any good thataway do you?”</p>
-
-<p>“If yuh knowed jist what part uh his anatomy it’s reposin’ in yuh
-might kick him and loosen th’ cork,” I suggests, but Mighty shakes his
-head.</p>
-
-<p>“It can’t be done, Ike. Th’ cork was broke off short.”</p>
-
-<p>“Where is he now?” asks Magpie, risin’ from Mighty’s carcass, and
-settin’ on th’ bunk.</p>
-
-<p>Mighty rubs th’ creases out of his skin, and rolls uh smoke.</p>
-
-<p>“He’s up on th’ hill back uh my stable, I reckon. Danged ol’ toothless
-walloper’s done formed uh friendship with uh badger. Can yuh beat it?
-Them two sets up there on uh rock in th’ sun and snoozes all day.”</p>
-
-<p>“Heavenly dove!” whoops Magpie, grab-bin’ Mighty by th’ wishbone. “Do
-yuh suppose they’re up there now?”</p>
-
-<p>“I reckon,” gasps Mighty. “Leggo my neck, dog-gone yuh. What’s there
-to git excited about?”</p>
-
-<p>“Do yuh reckon we could ketch that badger?” askes Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“I reckon yuh could. He ain’t uh bit wild. I pretty nigh puts my hands
-on him yesterday when I goes up to try and feed Abe some liver pills.
-I leaves some fer th’ badger but I don’t reckon he took ’em.”</p>
-
-<p>“Tell yuh what I’ll do,” sez Magpie. “If you’ll rent us yore bear and
-help us take him over to that ol’ tunnel uh Big Foot Smith’s and let
-us use him fer uh few days I’ll give yuh ten dollars. We’ll guarantee
-not to hurt th’ ol’ feller none.”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s reasonable, Magpie, but I don’t sabe what yuh wants th’ badger
-fer.”</p>
-
-<p>“If we can pass ol’ Abe off as uh fe-male grizzly, I don’t reckon
-we’ll have much trouble in passin’ that badger off fer its cub.
-Dog-gone it, they look uh heap like uh li’l bear, at that, Mighty.”</p>
-
-<p>“How yuh goin’ to ketch him?” I asks.</p>
-
-<p>“That’s yore chore, Ike. Git uh rope and make good.”</p>
-
-<p>Th’ Harper tribe allus was noted fer their gameness. I gits Mighty’s
-rope and ambles up back of th’ stable. I sees th’ bear. He’s sunnin’
-out there on uh ledge uh rock, and don’t pay no attention to me
-a-tall. I reckon he’s got troubles of his own which keeps him
-occupied. I sneaks around behind him, and there I sees Mister Badger.
-He’s shore uh whopper, and he’s stretched out on th’ rock with his
-head turned th’ other way.</p>
-
-<p>I gits th’ loop to swingin’ right, and braces my feet. I ain’t what
-you’d call a expert with uh rope. In fact I’m of th’ garden variety
-when it comes to swingin’ th’ rope, but I’m game. I gives th’ rope uh
-last whirl and lets her go. Did I git that badger? I’d tell uh man I
-did! Also, I gits th’ bear.</p>
-
-<p>Uh bear and uh badger may be good pals when they’re separated, but
-friendship ceases when yuh pulls ’em together in th’ loop of uh rope.
-Also they makes it uncomfortable fer th’ party on th’ other end of th’
-rope.</p>
-
-<p>When I stops at th’ cabin I ain’t wearin’ no pants, but I got uh’
-strangle holt on that ol’ badger. Pore ol’ Abie gits loose about
-half-way home, and he shore moves spry-like to th’ top of th’ cabin,
-where he orates his displeasure and shows symptoms uh liver trouble.
-They helps me hog-tie that badger, and then Mighty complains uh heap
-about his pet.</p>
-
-<p>“Ike, yuh ought to be careful about Abe,” sez he. “There wa’n’t no
-sense in gittin’ him all excited thataway. Mebby he’ll have uh
-relapse, and I ain’t got uh liver pill left. He’s uh sick animile.”</p>
-
-<p>“Th’ —— he is!” sez I. “He tore my pants off, and almost clears th’
-cabin in one jump, so I don’t reckon he’s so danged bad off. We got
-female folks at our house, so I reckon yuh better loan me uh pair uh
-pants to go home in, Mighty.”</p>
-
-<p>He ain’t got nothin’ but uh pair uh overalls, which don’t meet by six
-inches at th’ waist and lingers jist below th’ knee, but I puts ’em
-on. We ties th’ badger to uh pole, which me and Magpie packs, and
-Mighty leads Abe and his bellyache with uh rope. Big Foot’s prospect
-ain’t been worked fer so long that it’s all grown up ag’in and looks
-like uh natcheral cave.</p>
-
-<p>“Here’s th’ idea,” states Magpie. “We’ll put th’ bear and badger in
-th’ ol’ tunnel. Then we’ll git th’ perfessor and his outfit to come
-over and see us separate them. We’ll keep that alleged cub over to th’
-cabin long enough to satisfy th’ perfessor. Sabe?”</p>
-
-<p>“You got another think comin’ if you thinks that Abe and that ol’
-badger is goin’ to hibernate peaceful like in that hole while yu goes
-over to head th’ peerade,” objects Mighty. “Since Ike stirred ’em up
-thataway, Abe ain’t acted noways friendly toward th’ badger, and said
-badger ain’t got no love fer nobody after ridin’ upside down on uh
-pole fer two miles. How am I goin’ to know how Abie’s bellyache is,
-all this time. I can’t stay with him.”</p>
-
-<p>“Do you think I’m goin’ to lose all that money jist because there
-ain’t no love lost between two dumb brutes?” snorts Magpie. “Big Foot
-must uh been afraid that somebody was goin’ to invade his ol’ prospect
-when he built that door at th’ entrance, but he shore simplified
-things fer us. We’ll stick Abe and his imitation cub inside an’ block
-th’ door. By th’ time we git back they’ll be friendly ag’in.”</p>
-
-<p>“Abie’s bellyache—” begins Mighty, but Magpie shuts him up.</p>
-
-<p>“Gosh A’mighty, you gives me uh pain! No wonder that pore bear’s got
-uh stummick ache. You’d give uh wooden Injun th’ pip, Mighty. Mebby if
-yuh quits givin’ him all them patent medicines he’d be uh heap better
-bear and last longer. That stuff’s causin’ all his hair to come out.
-If yuh don’t quit he won’t even make uh decent rug.”</p>
-
-<p>Abie goes in plumb willin’ but the badger objects. He tries to squeeze
-out, but twistin’ uh stick in his hide sorta disgusts him and he
-retires. Mighty pilgrims off home, and me and Magpie goes back to our
-cabin.</p>
-
-<p>“Ike,” orates Magpie, “this is uh cinch. That badger resembles uh li’l
-bear uh heap, don’t yuh know it? Also, Abie is so shy on hair that
-nobody could prove whether he’s black, brown or gray. Let’s be glad.”</p>
-
-<p>“Lets be glad uh li’l later on,” I suggests. “I’m strong on this here
-gladsome stuff, Magpie, but this here idea uh countin’ yore scientific
-experiments before they’re done experimentin’ is uh heap like lightin’
-yore last match to see if it’s uh good one before yuh goes to th’
-trouble uh makin’ uh cigaret.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1.5em;'></div>
-
-<p>Th’ perfessor is sunnin’ hisself by th’ cabin when we gits back, and
-th’ doc is fussin’ with uh pho-tygraft apparatus. They welcomes us
-real heartily, and th’ perfessor is uh heap excited and pleased to
-know that we’re ready fer th’ experiment.</p>
-
-<p>“I hope I can get some good action in a bear picture,” states th’ doc.
-“It will help in provin’ th’ perfessor’s experiments.”</p>
-
-<p>That was some pilgrimage. We strings out in single file, with Magpie
-in th’ lead and th’ perfessor next. We places th’ fe-male next in
-line, allowin’ considerable space between her and th’ doc, in case she
-should rear up and fall over backwards on some of th’ steep pitches.
-Also, fer safety sake I packs th’ doc’s shotgun. When we reaches the
-alleged bear den we finds Mighty settin’ at th’ door.</p>
-
-<p>“Abe’s ailin’ ag’in,” sez he, solemn like, lookin’ th’ outfit over.</p>
-
-<p>“Who is Abe?” asks th’ doc.</p>
-
-<p>“His pardner,” states Magpie, winkin’ hard at Mighty. “He seems to
-have pains in his stummick most of th’ time.”</p>
-
-<p>“Appendicitis,” pronounces th’ doc. “May need an operation.”</p>
-
-<p>“Doctor,” sez th’ perfessor, “this is no time to talk of operations.
-Prepare your camera and try and picture the proceedings.” And then he
-asks Magpie—</p>
-
-<p>“Are you sure that the mother and young are in the cave?”</p>
-
-<p>“Pore ol’ Abe comes to th’ door and—” complains Mighty, but th’ doc
-pats him on th’ shoulder and sez:</p>
-
-<p>“Never mind. Just as soon as possible I will diagnose his case. I may
-have to remove his appendix.”</p>
-
-<p>“I don’t reckon that’s what ails him a-tall,” states Mighty. “Yuh see
-he’s been used to havin’ his meat cut up fer him but, bein’ as I ain’t
-no Daniel, I didn’t care to center th’ den, so I jist throws in uh
-saddle uh venison to him and slams th’ door. Mebby he overeats.”</p>
-
-<p>“Unique way to treat a patient, isn’t it, Doctor?” puffs Mrs.
-Perfessor, from where she rests her bulk on uh log.</p>
-
-<p>“It is,” agrees th’ doc, reprovin’ like. “You should have given him
-some broth.”</p>
-
-<p>“Never had none,” sez Mighty. “Patent medicines don’t help him none,
-anyway. Say, Magpie, I got to worryin’ about Abe and his roommate
-gittin’ in uh fight so I comes over after you left and tied th’ cub to
-uh timber in there.”</p>
-
-<p>That made it plumb easy. All we has to do is go inside, lead th’ cub
-out and shut th’ door. Ol’ Abe pokes his head out and wails uh few
-stanzas, and th’ doc snaps his pitcher machine.</p>
-
-<p>“Wonderful!” whoops th’ perfessor. “You men have earned that bonus
-right now. You have shown yourselves so competent that I am willing to
-chance the rest of it. Do you suppose your friend here, with the sick
-partner, would accept a small remuneration for his services?”</p>
-
-<p>“Without uh doubt,” sez Mighty, before Magpie has uh chance to open
-his mouth and th’ perfessor slips Mighty a yaller-backed bill.</p>
-
-<p>“Thanks, ol’-timer,” sez Mighty. “That’ll buy me one uh them things
-what yuh grind meat up in. Yuh see, Abe’s teeth ain’t what they used
-to be, and when he eats meat he gits them pains and he’s liable to
-bite or claw ——, I begs yore pardon, ma’am, out uh me.”</p>
-
-<p>“Not appendicitis symptoms,” states th’ doc. “Does he have
-hallucinations?”</p>
-
-<p>“No,” sez Mighty. “Leastwise I don’t reckon he has. He’s showed
-symptoms uh St. Vitus dance and th’ bellyache and has moulted most of
-his hair, but I reckon that ol’ age sneakin’ up on him makes him
-thataway more’n anythin’ else.”</p>
-
-<p>“How old is he?” asks Mrs. Perfessor.</p>
-
-<p>“Don’t know edzactly, ma’am. I killed his mother when he was comin’ uh
-year ol’ but I don’t remember what year that was. He’s had uh lot uh
-sickness, ma’am, and most all th’ hair’s rubbed off his belly, which
-uh course makes him look older than he really is. Sabe?”</p>
-
-<p>Mebby she don’t sabe, but anyway, she don’t ask no more questions. She
-takes uh sixty hoss-power look at Mighty, and ambles right off up th’
-trail. Th’ doc looks sorta surprised at Mighty, but th’ perfessor
-don’t pay no attention. He’s busy gloatin’ over that badger.</p>
-
-<p>“Gracious,” sez he. “The young of the grizzly surely do mature young.
-Doctor, just look at those claws. Do they lose that stripe on the back
-like a young deer loses it’s spots?”</p>
-
-<p>“Uh-huh,” sez Magpie. “All bears is striped when they’re born, except
-black ones and they’re purple”.</p>
-
-<p>Me and Magpie has to pack that badger all th’ way over to our cabin.
-We tries to lead it, but that wasn’t a success. It starts all right,
-but th’ perfessor is in th’ road, figgerin’ in his note-book. That
-rope gits familiar with his long legs, and he’s some strung out when
-we gits ’em separated, but he don’t mind. He sets there on th’ ground
-and figgers in his note-book, while we untangles th’ rope off his
-feet, and never pays no attention a-tall.</p>
-
-<p>When we gits home we ties th’ badger to uh tree. Me and Magpie figgers
-that our labors is over fer uh while, so we aims to take life easy fer
-uh spell. Th’ doc is busy shootin’ up th’ tin cans around camp, Mrs.
-Perfessor is croshayin’ what looks like uh pair uh ear-muffs fer uh
-blacktail deer, and th’ perfessor is studyin’ th’ actions of uh peeved
-badger, so me and Magpie goes down on th’ crick, where we got some
-bedrock stripped.</p>
-
-<p>We’re busy pannin’ out some dirt about an hour later when we hears an
-uproar back at th’ cabin.</p>
-
-<p>“Now, somebody has gone and raised ——” snorts Magpie. “Them is
-natcherally quiet folks, Ike, and not given to loud nor unseemly
-noises, so there must be uh good reason. Mebby that danged badger’s
-got away.”</p>
-
-<p>“More likely th’ doc’s hit somethin’,” I orates. “Mebby he mistakes
-th’ perfessor’s wife fer uh tin can. She’s built thataway.”</p>
-
-<p>We hikes back to camp and finds things considerable disturbed. Th’ doc
-is settin’ on th’ steps of th’ cabin, wearin’ uh injured expression
-and uh torn shirt. Mrs. Perfessor is limpin’ around th’ place like uh
-hound pup cuttin’ circles to find uh place to lay down. Perfessor
-Phinney is still settin’ there studyin’ th’ badger, which seems
-considerable riled over somethin’.</p>
-
-<p>“What’s th’ trouble?” asks Magpie.</p>
-
-<p>“Maternal instinct!” snorts th’ doc.</p>
-
-<p>“Nothing to get excited about,” wheezes th’ lady, tearin’ uh strip uh
-cloth off her skirt, and cinchin’ up uh cut on her wrist. “Perhaps it
-wasn’t a complete success, Doctor, but we’ll have to do it again
-sooner or later. It was merely a humane act.”</p>
-
-<p>“Then I’m not very strong for humanity. Hereafter I draw the line to
-playing wet nurse to a grizzly.”</p>
-
-<p>“We overlooked one point,” states Mrs. Perfessor, wise like. “To
-remove an offspring of that age from its mother is like taking the
-sunshine from the flowers or the dew from the grass. Know what I
-mean?”</p>
-
-<p>“She means,” states th’ doc, fingerin’ th’ long gash in his pant leg.
-“She means that th’ blasted brute needs milk to prolong its young
-life, and she induces me to help her let it imbibe condensed milk from
-a can.”</p>
-
-<p>“It was interesting to note that condensed milk did not appeal to its
-palate,” remarks th’ perfessor, makin’ more notes in his book.</p>
-
-<p>“My ——,” sez Magpie. “Did yuh try to feed it cold canned milk?”</p>
-
-<p>“Yes, did it need warming?” asks th’ lady.</p>
-
-<p>“Shore thing. They won’t eat it cold. Next time yuh wants to set th’
-can on the stove fer about fifteen minutes.”</p>
-
-<p>“Live and learn,” quotes th’ doc. “I knew something was wrong.”</p>
-
-<p>That night Mighty Jones comes over to git somethin’ fer uh tooth ache.</p>
-
-<p>“Gol’ A’mighty,” sez he. “I got to have somethin’ or lose my mind.”</p>
-
-<p>“If that’s all, yuh ain’t so danged bad off,” sez Magpie. “But rather
-than see yuh lose somethin’ yuh never had I’ll let yuh take our Jap
-oil bottle. Rub uh li’l on th’ tooth, and she’ll be better than new.”</p>
-
-<p>Mighty takes th’ bottle and goes off down th’ trail holdin’ on to his
-jaw. Did yuh ever hear of Jap oil? It’s th’ concentrated essense uh
-dynamite, hell’s fire and asphyxiation. It cures anything. Never knew
-anybody to ask fer uh second helpin’, but it shore is uh whole
-medicine chest fer uh prospector. It’s jist as good fer penumonia as
-it is fer uh busted leg, and I knowed uh feller oncet who kept th’
-pack-rats out of his cabin by jist pastin’ th’ label off uh bottle on
-his front door. Achin’ teeth is jist uh vacation chore to that
-medicine.</p>
-
-<div style='height:1.5em;'></div>
-
-<p>Th’ next mornin’ me and Magpie goes over to do uh li’l work on th’
-crick, and th’ doc goes off across th’ hills with his shotgun. Th’
-perfessor and th’ badger gits busy watchin’ each, other ag’in. Long
-about ten o’clock we decides to drift back to camp to see how things
-is progressin’.</p>
-
-<p>We’re up on uh point above th’ shack where we can git uh clear view uh
-th’ country, and about two hundred yards below th’ cabin we sees th’
-doc. He’s doin’ uh reg’-lar Injun sneak in some bull-pines. We watches
-him sorta sad like fer uh while, figgerin’ that he won’t hit what he’s
-sneakin’ on, when we happens to see what he’s after. Up th’ creek
-bottom comes Mighty Jones and Abe. Abe is humpin’ along about ten feet
-ahead uh Mighty. Mighty seems uh heap sore at th’ bear, and anxious to
-overtake him.</p>
-
-<p>“Blasted ol’ ossified porkypine,” wails Magpie. “Bringin’ that
-moth-eaten, alleged grizzly right over where it spoils our whole game.
-Let’s git down there and stop him in th’ brush.”</p>
-
-<p>We breaks down past camp. Th’ perfessor is still studyin’ th’ badger.
-Mrs. Perfessor sticks her head out of th’ door and yells somethin’ at
-us as we goes past, but we don’t stop—not a-tall. We’re jist passin’
-th’ cabin, when:</p>
-
-<p>“Blam! Blam!” goes doc’s shotgun down in th’ timber.</p>
-
-<p>“Come on, Ike!” pants Magpie, stretchin’ out his long legs like uh
-bull elk goin’ to water, and hurdlin’ everythin’ except the
-lodge-pole. He didn’t need to waste his wind thataway. I’m with him.</p>
-
-<p>We busts into uh li’l clearin’, where we first sees th’ doc doin’ his
-sneak, and we runs into th’ queerest bunch uh misery I ever seen. I’ve
-seen uh cougar with th’ St. Vitus dance and an ulcerated tooth, and
-I’ve beheld uh jack-rabbit which was shot in th’ north end with uh
-load uh rock-salt, but by th’ whisperin’ wolves, this here exhibition
-makes ’em all look like uh stachoo uh peaceful moments. Right there in
-th’ clearin’ is pore ol’ Abe, and he shore is adjustin’ hisself to
-suit local conditions.</p>
-
-<p>First he puts his head down between his front legs and does uh lot uh
-contortion work that would stump uh snake. He whizzes across th’
-clearin’ like uh fur pin-wheel, uncouples hisself and comes back with
-his nose in th’ dirt and sorrow in his soul.</p>
-
-<p>He’s jist about half-way back, and me and Magpie is standin’ there
-with our jaw-bones restin’ on our chests, when:</p>
-
-<p>“Bling! Bling!” goes uh six-gun.</p>
-
-<p>Not knowin’ th’ angle uh them shots, we immediate and soon assumes uh
-reclinin position.</p>
-
-<p>Mebby them shots was uh heap opportune, cause if we hadn’t uh laid
-down of our own accord, ol’ Abe shore would have spread us some.</p>
-
-<p>He didn’t seem to pay no attention to them shots, but somethin’ in his
-carcass seems to say, “Go east, ol’ bear, go east,” and Abie shore
-heeds th’ summons, and hurries right across us.</p>
-
-<p>He plants one foot on th’ part uh my carcass where uh civilized man
-wears his rear collar button, and his long toe-nails seems to shake
-dice all th’ way down my vertebray.</p>
-
-<p>We arises too late to see him leave, but he’s shore pointed toward our
-happy home.</p>
-
-<p>“Abie seems to have hit his second childhood,” yawns Magpie. “I’d ——”</p>
-
-<p>“Did I hit it?” yells uh voice across th’ clearin’, and there stands
-th’ doc.</p>
-
-<p>He shore is uh sight. He sets there, hangin’ onto uh tree, and tries
-to watch four directions to oncet. His hat is gone along with uh lot
-of his clothes, and his respect as uh big game hunter seems to leak
-out of every pore.</p>
-
-<p>“There was two,” he wails. “I shot one, and before I could see whether
-I had killed it or not, the other one walked all over me. I didn’t
-know they went in flocks. I lost my gun. I wonder if I hit it?”</p>
-
-<p>“You did,” states uh voice behind us, and there stands Mighty Jones.
-He’s standin’ sorta bent forward at th’ waist line, while one hand
-explores th’ rear of his pants.</p>
-
-<p>“Did I hit it?” asks th’ Doc, ag’in, sorta eager like, and Mighty
-replies more in sorrow than in anger:</p>
-
-<p>“You shore did. Both loads, dad bust yore soul—and me without no
-drawers on. I tries to smear yuh with my six-gun, but finds that all
-I’m shootin’ at is yore hat and part uh yore shirt on uh bush.”</p>
-
-<p>“Say, Mighty,” sez Magpie, gittin’ around on th’ windward side of th’
-ol’ jasper, “you must uh took uh bath in that Jap oil. You shore are
-odoriferous, ol’-timer. Whew!”</p>
-
-<p>“It slopped uh li’l,” sez Mighty. Abe was ailin’ somethin’ awful over
-in that ol’ prospect, and I figgers that th’ doc would relieve him uh
-heap if I brings him over. I reads th’ epitaph on that bottle and it
-orates that it’s good fer cramps.</p>
-
-<p>“I tries to give some to Abe but he don’t warm up to th’ smell a-tall.
-In fact he won’t even associate with me, and ambles ahead uh me all
-th’ way over. Down here uh li’l ways I manages to overhaul him and
-shoves th’ whole works down his blamed neck. It shore animates him uh
-heap, Magpie. I’m watchin’ him go spry like and loudly off into the
-brush, when all to oncet two loads uh bird-shot comes along and hives
-into th’ seat uh my pants. It riles me uh heap. I’ll leave it to you
-if bird-shot ain’t aggravatin’, Magpie.”</p>
-
-<p>Th’ doc gits enough of th’ conversation to learn that he’s shot
-Mighty, and he seems uh heap concerned. He’s still hangin’ onto that
-tree, but he holds up his other hand and sez:</p>
-
-<p>“No more, I’m through using a gun. Mister Jones, would you accept that
-gun as a present?”</p>
-
-<p>“Now, ain’t that ——?” wails Mighty. “Ain’t it, Magpie? Here I been
-wantin’ uh britch loader shotgun fer years, and jist when somebody
-gives me one I’ve already tied th’ danged thing around uh tree so it
-won’t never shoot no more. Ain’t that cheerin’?”</p>
-
-<p>“Well,” sez I, “lets go up to th’ cabin and see how things is shapin’
-up there. I has uh feelin’ that all our good works is ravelin’ out.”</p>
-
-<div style='height:1.5em;'></div>
-
-<p>We gits almost to th’ cabin when we sees th’ perfessor. He’s settin’
-on th’ ground near where th’ badger was tied to uh tree, but there
-ain’t no sign of th’ badger, and Abe ain’t in sight.</p>
-
-<p>Th’ perfessor’s black coat is split up th’ back, and his hard hat is
-circlin’ his arm like uh band uh crape. There’s uh scratch th’ whole
-length uh his face, but he’s still grinnin’ and tryin’ to write on one
-leaf uh that li’l book. Th’ rest is some tore up and scattered.</p>
-
-<p>“I was right!” he squeaks. “I told Professor Manning that the parent
-bear would seek and find its young. They went away together. I had
-untied the cub to take it down to the creek for a drink, when the
-outraged mother came along and forcibly freed her baby. She——”</p>
-
-<p>“Bang!”</p>
-
-<p>From th’ inside of th’ cabin comes th’ report of uh heavy shootin’
-iron, and Mrs. Perfessor spills out of th’ door, and skates her three
-hundred pounds off th’ porch. She sets there and claws th’ hair out of
-her eyes.</p>
-
-<p>“Remarkable performance!” exclaims th’ perfessor. “She never fired a
-shot before.”</p>
-
-<p>“It—it—it buh—buh—busted,” she stutters, pointin’ at th’ cabin.</p>
-
-<p>“Wimmin ought to let guns alone—also some men,” states Mighty, still
-prospectin’ fer lead on th’ rear of his personal property.</p>
-
-<p>“Gun,” snorts th’ injured lady. “It wasn’t no gun.”</p>
-
-<p>“What was it, my dear?” asks th’ Perfessor.</p>
-
-<p>“Milk,” she snaps. “Milk for the bear. It just got hot and blew up.”</p>
-
-<p>“My ——,” gasps Magpie. “Ain’t that jist like uh woman. She forgot to
-punch uh hole in th’ top of th’ can.”</p>
-
-<p>“Never mind, my dear,” consoles th’ perfessor. “My contention is
-proved, and we can leave at once. We’ll adjust matters with our
-employees and go home.”</p>
-
-<p>“What about th’ snake theory, Perfessor?” I asks.</p>
-
-<p>“Do they or don’t they?” he asks, haulin’ out th’ remains uh that li’l
-book.</p>
-
-<p>“They don’t,” sez I. “They never have and never will.”</p>
-
-<p>“At least I can point with pride to the fact that I hit something,”
-remarks th’ doc with uh grin, when he gits on his burro and lights
-another one uh them stinkin’ rolls. “I’m sorry I didn’t have a rifle,
-I might have killed a bear.”</p>
-
-<p>“If yuh can see this far, and sabe th’ direction, yuh might point with
-pride to th’ fact that I can’t set down fer uh week,” orates Mighty.</p>
-
-<p>“Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “would yuh mind tellin’ me jist edzactly what
-competent means?”</p>
-
-<p>Th’ perfessor adjusts th’ remains uh that hard hat on his peaked head,
-and squints at Magpie over th’ top uh them funereal-rimmed glasses.
-“Why,—er—it means, adequate or sufficient.”</p>
-
-<p>“Thanks,” sez Magpie. “It shore is and we have had. <i>Adios.</i>”</p>
-
-<p>“It stands to reason—” begins Magpie, as th’ caravan goes off down th’
-trail, with Mrs. Perfessor’s burro squeakin’ and groanin’ at th’ rear,
-but Mighty ceases scratchin’ long enough to snort:</p>
-
-<p>“Reason, eh? By cripes, Magpie, that’s uh fightin’ word with th’ Jones
-fambly from now on and ever more. I listened to reason oncet, and look
-what she done to me. I got to sneak up on my belly to dinner, and pore
-ol’ Abe’s——”</p>
-
-<p>“Abe,” sez Magpie, “is either uh bear angel by now or uh fugitive from
-Jap oil. Here’s an extra ten dollars, Mighty. Be glad.”</p>
-
-<p>“That’s shore reasonable,” sez Mighty.</p>
-
-<div class='theend'>
-  THE END
-</div>
-<div class='tn'>
-  <p>Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in
-  the August, 1917 issue of <em>Adventure</em> magazine.</p>
-</div>
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