diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/66024-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/66024-0.txt | 1594 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 1594 deletions
diff --git a/old/66024-0.txt b/old/66024-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 43daabe..0000000 --- a/old/66024-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1594 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Bearly Reasonable, by W. C. Tuttle - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Bearly Reasonable - -Author: W. C. Tuttle - -Release Date: August 9, 2021 [eBook #66024] - -Language: English - -Produced by: Roger Frank and Sue Clark - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEARLY REASONABLE *** - - -[Illustration] - - Bearly Reasonable - - by W. C. Tuttle - - Author of “Magpie, Diplomat,” and “Sixteen to One on Friday,” etc. - - -“Ike,” sez Magpie Simpkins, pointin’ down th’ trail, “th’ feller what -said, ‘Th’ worst is yet to come,’ must ’a’ meant that outfit comin’ -our way.” - -I takes uh good look and agrees. In th’ lead is Ricky Henderson, on -his calico bronc, and behind him is three figgers on burrows. Th’ -leadin’ one looks like uh cross between uh Holy Roller proselyte and -uh fence picket. Th’ legs of th’ critter is bent back at th’ knees to -keep its feet off th’ ground, an th’ rest of its body ’pears to have -been soaked in starch before it seasoned. - -It’s wearin’ uh swaller-tailed coat, buttoned at th’ top, makin’ it -swell in th’ breeze like th’ wings of uh turkey-buzzard, and th’ -peaked, side-whiskered face which bobs at th’ top is crowned with uh -hard hat. It is also wearin’ black-rimmed specs, and enough black -ribbon floats from th’ top to furnish mournin’ fer uh wake. - -Th’ next in line is uh fe-male person, and uh glance shows that she -ain’t built fer neither speed nor comfort. Th’ pore li’l burrow she’s -ridin’ is wig-waggin’ uh distress signal with its ears, and threatens -to cave in at th’ knees in uh short time. - -Th’ next in line is one uh them human carbuncles. He’s so danged fat -that his clothes ache, and he has to lift his yaller eyebrows plumb to -th’ top of his bald head to git his eyes open. When I first sees his -face I’m inclined to git th’ skin of uh aig to put on it and draw it -to uh head. - -Behind this caravan loiters five burros and they’re so danged loaded -down with plunder that all yuh can see is their ears. While me and -Magpie stands on th’ steps of our cabin, at th’ Silver Threads mine, -this aggregation peerades to uh standstill before us, and that -she-packin’ burro hee-haws with relief. - -“Here we are,” states Ricky, turnin’ in his saddle and grinnin’ at his -followers. - -“Thank goodness!” snorts th’ fe-male. “I feel that I’m jolted to a -shadow. Shall we dismount?” - -“Ricky, yuh might make us used to yore friends, and tell us why you -terminates th’ peerade at this point,” sez Magpie. - -“This person,” sez Ricky, pointin’ at th’ lean critter, “is Perfessor -Phinney. Th’ lady is his wife, and this here robust party is Doctor -Doolittle. They’re from th’ East—” and then he turns to them: - -“Ladies and gentlemen, this slender party with th’ hairy upper lip is -Magpie Simpkins, and th’ bow-legged party beside him is Ike Harper, -his mate. Now that yo’re properly introduced I’ll pilgrim back. _Au -revoir._” - -“Yuh will—in uh hearse,” snaps Magpie. “Come back here, yuh blamed -coyote and explain why yuh shirks yore duty. What’s th’ great idea?” - -“My duty is done,” states Ricky. “These here persons desire to hire -competent persons so I brings’ em up here. Every man in Piperock holds -up their hands and swears that they ain’t competent, so what could I -do? You and Ike shore must be. I reckon th’ perfessor can tell yuh -what he wants, Magpie. I hates to deprive yuh of my company, but I’m -uh right busy man.” - -“No depravity, Ricky,” sez Magpie. “Run right along home.” - -And then he turns to th’ outfit. Th’ three of ’em are off their -mounts, and busy rubbin’ th’ circulation back into their legs. I feels -that th’ perfessor has some chore, ’cause he has quite uh strip uh -country to hear from. - -“I—er—shall try and explain in a few words,” sez th’ perfessor, -peekin’ at us over th’ tops of his specs. “I am up here to settle an -argument between myself and Professor Manning. Isn’t it queer what an -argument between friends will bring forth?” - -“Uh-huh,” agrees Magpie. “She shore is. I’ve knowed six good men to -git killed on th’ spot, four more in th’ pen, and dozens who have been -crippled fer life over friendly arguments.” - -“How unique!” exclaims th’ perfessor’s heavier half. “How unique.” - -“Yes’m,” agrees Magpie, “two of ’em was, but th’ rest was jist common -ordinary arguments.” - -“As I was—er—saying,” continues th’ perfessor, “I am up here to settle -a friendly argument.” - -“Th’ question is?” asks Magpie. - -“Do rattlesnakes and prairie-dogs live together in harmony, and will a -female grizzly recognize its own offspring after it has been away -from, it for twenty-four hours.” - -“That’s uh —— of uh reason fer comin’ way up here!” snorts Magpie. - -“Why didn’t yuh write to me? I’d ’a’ told yuh.” - -“That’s what I said,” cuts in th’ human carbuncle. “When you told me -about it I——” - -“Doctor,” pipes th’ perfessor, “there’s no use arguing with me. This -is a serious question. Professor Manning’s theory is wrong, and I am -going to prove it.” - -“Yuh can’t prove nothin’ by uh rattler,” objects Magpie. “Also, yuh -got uh sweet chore on yore hands when yuh tries to git uh female -grizzly to let yuh take its cub and——” - -“Can’t I believe my own eyes?” wails th’ ol’ pelican. “Can’t I see -these things?” - -“My husband, being a scientist, is very observing,” states Mrs. -Perfessor. - -“Also set in his ways,” states th’ doc, lightin’ one uh them dude -cigarets, which smells like th’ place where uh circus has jist moved -away. “All I hope is that I get some good shooting.” - -“If th’ perfessor interviews uh fe-male grizzly and fambly, yuh shore -stand uh good chance uh gittin’ yore wish,” sez I. “Unpack them -long-sufferin’ jackasses and make yoreself to home. Th’ hills is -yours.” - -“Unpack?” asks th’ perfessor. “Do you mean to remove the impedimenta -from the backs of our beasts of burden?” - -“Bein’ funny is a art,” states Magpie, “but art ain’t appreciated here -in th’ hills. Jist take th’ plunder off them canaries, and settle -down.” - -“But, my man, that’s your duty. That’s part of what I’m paying you -for.” - -Magpie looks foolish like at me and then back at th’ perfessor. Th’ -doc lifts his eyebrows to th’ eaves of his face and manages to wiggle -one eyelid until uh person would almost admit it was uh wink. - -“Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “I ain’t yore man. I never seen yuh before, -and I ain’t worryin’ about yuh in th’ future. I never hired out to -yuh, and I ain’t acquainted with yore rollin’ stock to th’ extent that -I wishes to remove their loads. Who wished yuh on to us anyway and -why?” - -Th’ perfessor removes his hard hat and squints at Magpie. - -“The—er—person who brought us up here informed me that you were -perfectly competent. Was we misinformed?” - -“Misinformed? No, ol’-timer, you was lied to. Sabe?” - -“Th’ fact of th’ matter is this,” states th’ doc. “Professor Phinney -wants to engage the services of you and Mister Harper. He is willing -to pay you a reasonable amount for your services, and is also able to -offer a substantial bonus in case you can help him prove or disprove -his contention. Am I right, Professor?” - -“Yeaus,” drawls th’ ol’ coot. - -He’s uh funny ol’ rooster. He allus sez “Yeaus” instead uh “Uh-huh.” I -don’t reckon he ever figgered that th’ Lord only give him one set uh -vocal cords, or else he didn’t care if he did wear ’em out early in -life. Every danged word he orates sounds like th’ letters had been -carved out uh granite, and he was afraid to let ’em all fall to oncet -fer fear some of ’em might git scratched or busted. - -“Yuh might explain th’ bonus part,” sez Magpie. - -“You see,” sez th’ perfessor, “for my own personal satisfaction I -would observe the home life of the rattlesnake and prairie-dog, but -the most important is the test of the maternal instinct in the grizzly -bear. - -“I shall expect you to furnish me with the opportunity to carry out -this experiment to a satisfactory conclusion, and in case you can do -so to my satisfaction, I am willing to remunerate you to the extent of -two hundred dollars each. Of course I am prepared to pay you each five -dollars per day. Do you feel competent to assist me?” - - * * * * * - -Magpie sticks his thumbs into his belt, shifts his weight on to one -leg, and squints at them burros. - -“Ike,” sez he, “remove th’—er—imped— imped—th’ packs off them beasts -uh burden.” - -And then to th’ perfessor: - -“Competent is my middle name. When it comes to th’ maternal instinct -of grizzly bears I feels as competent as uh hungry coyote in uh herd -uh sick sheep. Ike is a authority on snakes and gophers, so between us -I reckon you’ll git enough material to last yuh a lifetime. What do -yuh know about grizzlies?” - -“Nothing at all,” sez th’ perfessor. “I fear that I wouldn’t know one -if I were to meet it. I’ll admit it was a foolish argument, when -neither Professor Manning nor myself are at all familiar with natural -history, but it is things like this that lend zest to life. Am I -right, Mister Simpson?” - -“Simpkins,” sez Magpie. “Uh-huh, I reckon it does. Yessir, I’d shore -agree that it might. But, Perfessor, if I was in yore place, not bein’ -familiar with grizzlies, I’d shore side-step anythin’ I met that -wasn’t familiar. There’s one redeemin’ feature about uh grizzly—he -don’t stop to argue. One or two uh them square-heads would put enough -zest in uh man’s life to keep him supplied fer right smart of uh -time.” - -Well, that shore was some outfit. Them packs looks like uh travelin’ -banquet. There’s three foldin’ bunks, sleepin’ bags, rubber bathtubs -and most everything that uh man can’t use in th’ hills. Also there is -enough fancy grub to feed uh roundup. I manages to git them things off -th’ jacks, and Magpie comes over and looks ’em over. - -“My Gawd,” sez he. “This is th’ limit, hammered to uh sharp point. -What’ll we do with ’em, Ike?” - -“Yore uh competent,” sez I. “Don’t ask me what to do, Magpie Simpson. -Is th’ perfessor’s squaw goin’ to git supper?” - -“She is not, and yuh might call me by my right name. Th’ perfessor sez -that he was informed by Mister Henderson that Mister Harper is th’ -best culinary artist in th’ State. Uh culinary artist is uh polite -name fer uh bull cook, Ike.” - -“Sounds re-fined, anyway,” I agrees. “But some uh these day’s I’m -goin’ to git my meat-hooks on Ricky Henderson, and there’s goin’ to be -sorrow in th’ Henderson tribe. Culinary artist ——! Can’t th’ doctor -cook?” - -“Th’ doctor can’t do nothin’, Ike. He informs me that th’ one ambition -in life is to hit somethin’ with his shotgun. Sez he never had and -never expects to, but he’s game to keep on tryin’.” - -Pretty soon th’ doc comes down from th’ cabin, and sets down on one of -th’ packs. He dusts th’ end of uh cigaret on his hand, and grins at me -and Magpie. - -“Some outfit, eh?” he sez. “What do yuh think of it?” - -“Well,” sez Magpie, “I knowed uh feller oncet what got hung fer sayin’ -what he thought, so with this one short remark I’ll close—awful!” - -“Exactly,” agrees th’ doc, explodin’ uh cloud uh smoke that would -asphyxiate uh gila monster. “I quite agrees with you. You see th’ -professor has a lot more money than any ordinary professor ought to -have and if he wishes to spend it on a proposition like this it’s none -of our funeral.” - -“Th’ first part of yore oration sounds sensible,” sez Magpie, “but th’ -last line ain’t exactly true. Knowin’ th’ natcheral disposition of uh -fe-male grizzly, I’d say that it might be our funeral. Jist because -we’re merely accessories to th’ fact don’t affect th’ gray matter in -th’ skull of uh she-grizzly. - -“All men looks alike to her. Mebby she’d shy at th’ perfessor, but I’m -bettin’ that uh rear view of th’ ol’ boy goin’ up uh tree or doin’ th’ -vanishin’ act over uh hill might fool uh mad grizzly into thinkin’ she -was chasin’ uh real, honest-to-grandma man. Uh course she’d find out -her mistake, but by that time it’s too late to rectify it. No -self-respectin’ rattler’d bite him, either, but yuh got to figger that -nobody ever met uh self-respectin’ rattler. No, sir, I reckon we got -to close-herd th’ perfessor.” - -“I’d be there with my shotgun,” grins th’ doc. “Mebby I could hit uh -bear with it. That would be some satisfaction.” - -“And it wouldn’t bother th’ bear,” sez I. “If yuh feels like tryin’ -out that two-tunneled spray-weapon on uh bear, take this advice: Try -one barrel on th’ bear and th’ other on yoreself. Mebby it’s jist uh -li’l out uh place fer uh stranger to tell uh feller how to pass out uh -this here vale uh tears, but uh scatter-gun don’t compare with uh -grizzly when it comes to messy-lookin’ corpses. Them animiles shore do -admire to take yuh apart.” - -I cooked supper that night. One thing in my favor was th’ fact that -th’ perfessor’s wife is too hungry and tired to make any suggestions. -I ain’t no dog-gone French cook, but I shore hates to have uh fe-male -person tell me how to cook beans. We worries through supper without no -casualties, and after we gits through, Mrs. Per-fessor goes to bed on -my bunk, and th’ rest of us sets out in front of th’ cabin and smokes -uh while. - -“My man,” sez th’ perfessor to Magpie, “it is my desire to investigate -the grizzly theory tomorrow morning. I suppose you are prepared to -guide me to the lair of a fairly good specimen?” - -“Shore,” sez Magpie. “Uh course I’ll have to look over my field notes -uh while before I can locate edzactly th’ specimen yuh needs. Uh -course yuh wants uh grizzly with uh grizzly offspring.” - -“Yeaus,” drawls th’ ol’ pelican. “Yeaus, certainly. Quite naturally a -grizzly would have a grizzly offspring.” - -“Natcherally,” agrees Magpie. “But yuh often finds ’em with black or -brown cubs. Yuh see, Perfessor, uh she-grizzly is uh motherly ol’ -thing, and when she finds uh female black or brown bear which don’t -treat their li’l ones properly she jist natcherally adopts ’em.” - -“Quite commendable,” nods th’ perfessor. “I must make a note of it. -Such information is quite valuable. But don’t the other bears object -to losing the custody of their offsprings?” - -“Quite useless,” drawls Magpie. “As I remarked before, uh grizzly -won’t argue.” - -“I have a feeling that this trip is going to furnish some material for -the scientists to ponder over,” laughs th’ doc, gittin’ up and -throwin’ away his camel-hair cigaret. “I must see that my shotgun is -in good working order.” - -“Did yuh ever shoot any fool-hens?” I asks. - -Th’ doc grins at me in uh wise sort of uh way and replies: - -“Mister Harper, I may be a poor shot, but I’m not that much of a -tenderfoot, so don’t try that old joke on me, please.” - -Most of ’em won’t bite on th’ fool-hen stunt, fer th’ simple reason -that there ain’t no joke about fool-hens. Now, if yuh spoke about -snow-snakes they’d stay all Winter to git uh specimen. - -It wa’n’t edzactly what you’d call chivalry that prompts us to give up -our cabin to our employers that night. When uh two hundred and fifty -pound fe-male occupies yore three by six bunk, and fills th’ air with -snores which resembles th’ grunts of uh hungry bear trying to coax uh -fat grub out of uh rotten stump, it’s jist human nature to grab uh -blanket and move out in th’ brush. Th’ doc crawls into his -sleepin’-bag alongside th’ cabin, but me and Magpie holes up down near -th’ crick. - - * * * * * - -That night I wonders out-loud, in Magpie’s hearin’, what are we goin’ -to do? Also I mentions in my oration that any man what ain’t got no -more sense than to tie up with uh rattle-headed pardner, not -mentionin’ any names, but givin’ uh fair description, ought to die -early in life in self-defense. - -“Field book!” I howls at th’ Big Dipper. “He’s got uh field book what -shows th’ dwellin’-place of suitable female grizzlies. Them records -will show jist which said grizzly has bears by adoption and which has -’em by maternal instinct. I’m a expert on sidewinders and gophers, eh? -Shore. All my life I’ve laid on my belly and observed th’ home life uh -said whistlin’ diggers and crippled crawlers. I’ve allus crawled in -th’ best society uh Prairie Dog town. Accordin’ to th’ latest reports -I’m livin’ in uh dug-out and cultivatin’ fangs. Pretty soon I’m due to -coil up and bite somebody.” - -Magpie don’t say uh word all th’ time I’m reflectin’ out loud, but -after I rolls up in my blanket and drowses off to sleep he grabs me by -th’ shoulder and hisses in my ear— - -“Ike, I’ve got it!” - -“Keep it,” sez I. “I don’t care if we are pardners, Magpie, I don’t -wish to share it with yuh. I know you’ve had it fer uh long time, ol’ -trapper, but I never mentioned it to anybody. If it hurts yuh worse -than usual, I’d advise uh cold compress on yore dome.” - -“‘Mighty’ Jones,” he yells joyful like. “By cripes. I can see it all!” - -Sometimes when uh feller gits to ravin’ thataway he sez things about -folks that he don’t like, so I don’t comment on him mentionin’ Mighty -Jones. - -Uh course his right name ain’t Mighty. He’s uh pore li’l runty person, -with corn-colored hair, and whiskers which makes him resemble uh -mountain goat gone to seed. One day he gits into a argument with uh -whale of uh jasper named “Buzzard” Bell. Buzzard is big enough to tie -Jones in uh bow-knot, and he grins down at Jones and informs him of -th’ fact. Jones takes off his coat, throws it on th’ floor, jumps on -it with both boots, spits on his hands and yells: - -“I’m small but I’m Gawd A’mighty Jones!” That’s how he gits th’ -cognomen. - -He’s livin’ up in uh li’l cabin at th’ forks of Plenty Stone crick, -and he ain’t noways friendly nor confidential. He’s plumb afraid that -somebody will jump his alleged copper claim, which don’t assay enough -per ton to plate uh twenty-two cartridge shell. - -“She’s goin’ to work out to uh gnat’s eyebrow, Ike,” states Magpie -when I don’t seem uh heap concerned over his former joyful -declaration. - -“Yuh might tell uh man yore troubles,” sez I. - -Magpie sets up in his blankets and rolls uh cigaret. - -“Yessir,” sez he, after th’ smoke is goin’, “that’s th’ -solution—partly. Ike, we could use Mighty Jones’s bear fer this here -scientific experiment.” - -“Uh-huh,” I agrees. “We shore could, only fer several reasons. -Mighty’s animile happens to be uh brown bear and, bein’ as its name is -Abe, it don’t stand to reason that its got any maternal instinct, much -less uh cub. And what is uh heap more to th’ point, Magpie: Mighty -would perforate anybody what bothered that brute. If Mighty had about -twice as much sense as he’s got he’d be half-witted, and I argues that -uh fool and uh shotgun is dangerous. Them’s my sentiments, Magpie. Th’ -whole thing is crazy. Yore all crazy, Magpie. Th’ perfessor is loco, -th’ doc is likewise afflicted and Mrs. Perfessor is showin’ symptoms. -You been crazy fer years and years, Magpie, and I’m gittin’ suspicious -uh myself. Let’s put some cyanide in their coffee in th’ morning, and -then you and me will go down in Death Valley and dig fer coconuts, -Magpie. And besides we ain’t got no cub fer Abie.” - -“Objextions all overruled, Ike. In th’ first place, Perfessor Phinney -nor any of them wouldn’t know uh brown bear from uh grizzly, and in -th’ second place, we’ll go down cautious like and rent Mighty’s bear.” - -“What’ll we do fer uh cub?” - -“——!” snorts Magpie. “We’re sharin’ fifty-fifty in this here ain’t we? -Well, I done furnished my part. I got th’ mother grizzly didn’t I? -Well, you git th’ cub. Sabe?” - -“Loan me yore field notes on cubs, will yuh? I’m uh snake specialist -and——” - -Didn’t Magpie tell th’ perfessor he had one? Shore did. That’s what -makes Magpie’s conduct so danged inconsistent. He didn’t have no right -to git sore about it. Anyway, it’s showin’ danged little knowledge uh -social etikette when uh feller hits yuh on th’ head with uh rock as -big as yore fist—especially when yore in bed. Uh course I returns it -in th’ proper spirit, but my feelin’s is soarin’ and I shoots high. - -Did yuh ever hear half uh dozen long-eared, flea-bitten jackasses -split th’ stillness of th’ night with their melodjus voices? Don’t -tell me that animiles like that don’t talk to each other. They shore -must or they couldn’t know jist when to cut loose all to oncet -thataway, and make th’ short hair on th’ back uh yore neck crawl right -over and tickle yuh under th’ chin. - -That herd of Rocky Mountain canaries cuts loose right over our -recumbent forms and scares delirious delight out of our feelin’s fer -uh minute. They jist orates one short, “Ha-a-aaw!” and then quits -cold. - -We stands erect in our blankets and sez things to them jacks, but they -jist nods in th’ gloom, and wiggles their ears. They sorta surrounds -us, and won’t go away. Not bein’ in need uh any more music, we gits -peevish like. - -“Let’s go over across th’ crick,” sez Magpie. “Them blasted animile -Carusos is too friendly, and it’s uh cinch they’ll stay on this side -of th’ crick.” - - * * * * * - -We ambles down toward th’ crick, still wrapped in our blankets, like -uh pair uh Injuns, when all to oncet we gits another sensation. - -“Whang! Zee-e-e-e! Whang! Zee-e-e-e!” - -Th’ gentle evenin’ is shattered. It’s bad enough to have yore -ear-drums shattered, but when each shatter is followed by uh handful -uh bird-shot, which “skees” and “zees” across yore form and fills yore -eyes with lint from yore blanket, it’s time to investigate. Magpie is -near th’ crick bank when it happens, and I looks up jist in time to -see Magpie disappear over th’ bank, and uh splash informs me that he -is in th’ wet. - -“My ——!” I hears uh voice opine. “I believe I hit them. I wish I had -some buckshot, but I haven’t and——” - -“Bung! Zee-e-e-e!” goes that scatter-gun ag’in, only this time it’s -both barrels. I hears Magpie spit out uh personal cuss word and splash -back into th’ crick. - -“Heaven is my home,” states uh voice in th’ gloom, which I recognizes -as bein’ that of th’ doctor, and I hears him rastlin’ around in th’ -brush. - -“Where’s that blamed gun, anyway?” he whines. “I never shot two loads -to once before, and after this——” - -“Cut—cut—cut it out, yuh blamed maverick!” quavers Magpie, and I sees -his arms wavin’ over th’ bank of th’ crick in uh signal uh distress. - -“Gracious! Did I hit you? Did it go past you?” yells th’ doc. - -Magpie raises his string-bean carcass on th’ bank, shakes th’ water -out of his hair, and whoops: - -“What went past? Yuh blasted, overfed, red-faced porkypine. What do -yuh reckon yo’re tryin’ to do?” - -“Calm yourself,” advises th’ doc. “If it hadn’t been for me you all -might be dead. What do you think of that?” - -“Fine,” sez Magpie. “I’m like Patrick Henry thataway. If I can’t have -liberty I’ll take uh li’l death. When fellers like you are pesticatin’ -around uh feller’s liberty is shore restricted. What was yuh tryin’ to -kill, anyway?” - -“What made that noise?” hedges th’ doc. “What made it, eh? I heard it, -and comes out to investigate. I saw what I took to be two skulking -animals, so I gave each one a load of shot. One of them jumped into -the creek, but I gave it both barrels as it went out the other side. -This gun kicked so hard that it was impossible for me to determine -what my execution was. I hope it was deadly.” - -“If I ever has uh hand in it, Doc, it shore will,” sez Magpie. “Better -go on back to bed.” - -Th’ doc ambles back to his bed, and we recovers Magpie’s blanket. It -jist missed uh watery grave. - -“Gosh,” sez Magpie. “Missed with both barrels at ninety feet. Let’s go -over in th’ brush and sleep. Mebby them jacks will wail ag’in, and yuh -can’t expect uh feller to miss every time with uh scatter-gun.” - -“Was it uh female?” asks uh husky voice behind us, and there stands -th’ perfessor in uh white nightie, on one foot, while he industriously -picks cactus out of th’ other. He looks like th’ ghost of some hy-iu -white crane. - -“What you heard, Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “was uh fool! Better git back -to bed before he mistakes yuh fer uh white owl.” - -“Yeaus. Exactly,” agrees th’ ol’ coot, and he limps back. Magpie is uh -bit damp, but th’ night is warm, so he states that he’d rather sleep -thataway than to take uh chance on goin’ near th’ cabin. - -We sleeps some late th’ next mornin’, and th’ first thing we hears is -that blamed shotgun. Somewhere up th’ gulch th’ doc is tearin’ holes -in th’ solitude. We ambles up to th’ cabin, and finds Mrs. Perfessor -settin’ on th’ steps. Honest to grandma, she’s uh sight. That person -wa’n’t no beautiful vi’let last night, but this mornin’ she don’t -qualify a-tall. - -“_Klahowya_,” sez Magpie. “Did yuh sleep well, ma’am?” - -“Oh, there you are,” sez she, ignorin’ Magpie’s salutation, and -lookin’ at me. “When do I get some hot water?” - -“Drink or laundry?” I asks. - -She bristles up as much as uh fat woman like her can bristle after uh -night on uh real hard bunk, and snorts— - -“Do you expect me to wash in cold water?” - -“Ma’am,” sez I, “when it comes to expectin’ things I pass up wimmen. -Not havin’ known me only uh few hours, and most uh them at night, I -don’t see why my expectations should interest yuh so much. In this -country uh person don’t git so awful dirty jist sleepin’, so we figger -that anybody what is so much of uh dude as to want to wash in th’ -mornin’ can do it in cold water.” - -“I want some hot water and I want it immediately!” she howls, and -waddles into th’ cabin. - -“I’d say that th’ perfessor is more to be pitied than censured,” sez -Magpie. “After listenin’ to her, and observin’ her face and figger, I -can’t believe th’ perfessor’s statement that he’s ignorant uh natural -history. She’s shore uh bear, Ike, and I’d——” - -“Is that water ready for my ablution?” sez Mrs. Perfessor, stickin’ -her head out of th’ door. - -“Right away,” sez I, goin’ over and pickin’ up some sticks. - -I don’t aim to invade her boodwah. Our stove ain’t five feet from my -bunk, so I makes our li’l fire outside. Magpie follers me over with uh -can uh water and puts it on th’ fire. - -“Cripes!” sez he. “Ain’t uh woman uh queer proposition, Ike? She said -at first that she wants to wash her face and——” - -“She said she wanted to wash. She didn’t designate her face, Magpie.” - -“That’s right. What is a ablution, Ike?” - -“How do I know,” I snorts. “I ain’t no ladies’ maid, Magpie. If yuh -wanted to know about rattlesnakes I’d be up on that.” - -I gives her th’ can uh hot water and she operates in th’ cabin, so we -don’t know yet what she done. I jist gits breakfast on th’ fire when -th’ doc shows up. He does uh double shuffle in th’ trail when he gits -in sight and seems tickled all over about somethin’. - -“You haven’t got breakfast ready yet have you?” he whoops, as he leans -his shotgun ag’in th’ cabin. “Heaven is my home! At last I have hit -something.” - -He digs down in th’ pockets of his huntin’ coat, and dumps uh pile uh -birds on th’ ground. - -“Blue grouse,” he pronounces. “I found a fine flock of them up th’ -gulch. Can we have them for breakfast, Mister Harper?” - -“How perfectly lovely,” gurgles Mrs. Perfessor. “I adore wild game. -This will be a breakfast to remember. It must be wonderful to live in -a country like this where you can go out and kill your meals.” - -“Yeaus,” agrees th’ perfessor. “I’ll have mine grilled, if you don’t -mind.” - -I looks at Magpie, who is rollin’ uh cigaret and lookin’ at th’ -ground, and sez to him— - -“How would you like yore’s, Mister Simpkins?” - -“Never eat meat fer breakfast,” he states. “I’ll jist take some mush -and bacon. Anyway, there ain’t more’n enough fer our guests.” - -“I can go and git some more,” sez th’ happy sawbones. “Greatest sport -I ever had. They’re not a bit wild. I’m going to enjoy this meal -because it’s the first one I ever furnished in this way.” - -It was th’ only one of its kind I ever cooked, that’s uh cinch. They -ate ’em, but there was’n’t much joy over that meal. Th’ Doc rastles -one of ’em around fer uh while and gits up enough appetite to eat -flap-jacks. When he finishes he lights one uh them burn-easy cigarets -and opines to me that blue grouse is overrated as uh delicacy. I ain’t -got th’ heart to disagree with him, and Magpie jist nods and turns -away to light uh cigaret. Moose birds ain’t edzactly what you’d call -“sweet and tender.” - - * * * * * - -“Are yuh ready to go with me?” asks Magpie, when we’re alone ag’in. - -“Go where?” - -“Down to see Mighty Jones.” - -“It ain’t goin’ to take two of us to bring that tame ol’ bear back -here, Magpie, and besides I’m goin’ to be uh heap busy tryin’ to -locate uh offspring fer it.” - -“We ain’t goin’ to bring it back here, Ike. Ain’t yuh got no -imagination a-tall? Th’ perfessor orates that he desires uh wild -grizzly, and it’s uh cinch he ain’t ignorant enough to accept uh -domestic bear. We got to produce this here animile in his native -haunts to make th’ play come right.” - -All th’ time we’re pilgrimin’ down to Mighty’s wickiup he’s ponderin’ -on uh place to stake out that bear. - -“Better git th’ cub and it’s mama before yuh rents uh bungaloo fer -’em,” I advises. “I feels that there’s liable to be many uh slip from -th’ grizzly to th’ perfessor. I needs that two hundred, Magpie, but -when it comes to gittin’ into trouble, Ike Harper is neutral.” - -This here li’l ol’ goat-headed Jones party sticks his head out of his -cabin door and stares at me and Magpie. He don’t look friendly a-tall. - -“We come down to git yer bear,” sez Magpie. “In th’ interests uh -science I asks yuh to——” - -Mighty must uh had that shotgun in his hand behind th’ door, ’cause -Magpie only gits uh runnin’ start on his oration when we’re gazin’ -down uh two-barreled muzzle-loader. - -“Git!” sez Mighty. - -Magpie looks right past Mighty’s off ear and yells— - -“Don’t hit him with that club!” - -I reckon Mighty must uh been excited to fall fer uh trick as ol’ as -that, but he did. He whirls that ol’ gun around, an th’ next thing he -knowed, Magpie has him pinned to th’ floor and I’m removin’ the caps -off that gun. - -“Now,” sez Magpie, “mebby you’ll listen to reason.” - -“I will like ——!” snaps Mighty. “I’ll listen to what Magpie Simpkins -has to say, but I’ll be teetotally danged if I’ll agree that it’s -reason.” - -“We comes on uh peaceful mission and meets uh armed force,” states -Magpie. “If yuh wants visitors to carry uh flag uh truce, why don’t -yuh advertise th’ fact, Mighty?” - -“I minds my own business,” snorts Mighty. “Go ahead and talk, and I’ll -listen if it chokes me.” - -Magpie sets on Mighty’s floatin’ ribs, and tells him our troubles. - -“But my bear ain’t no fe-male and I ain’t got no cub,” protests -Mighty. “Anyway, ol’ Abe is sick. I reckon he’s gittin’ too blamed -ol’. Seems like he don’t harbor nothin’ but uh bellyache, Magpie. I -been dopin’ th’ ol’ sinner fer weeks to keep him on his feet. -Dog-gone, he’s th’ only friend I got left. I tries to give him uh dose -uh castor ile yesterday, and he tore my shirt off and swallers th’ -whole bottle. I don’t reckon it’ll do him any good thataway do you?” - -“If yuh knowed jist what part uh his anatomy it’s reposin’ in yuh -might kick him and loosen th’ cork,” I suggests, but Mighty shakes his -head. - -“It can’t be done, Ike. Th’ cork was broke off short.” - -“Where is he now?” asks Magpie, risin’ from Mighty’s carcass, and -settin’ on th’ bunk. - -Mighty rubs th’ creases out of his skin, and rolls uh smoke. - -“He’s up on th’ hill back uh my stable, I reckon. Danged ol’ toothless -walloper’s done formed uh friendship with uh badger. Can yuh beat it? -Them two sets up there on uh rock in th’ sun and snoozes all day.” - -“Heavenly dove!” whoops Magpie, grab-bin’ Mighty by th’ wishbone. “Do -yuh suppose they’re up there now?” - -“I reckon,” gasps Mighty. “Leggo my neck, dog-gone yuh. What’s there -to git excited about?” - -“Do yuh reckon we could ketch that badger?” askes Magpie. - -“I reckon yuh could. He ain’t uh bit wild. I pretty nigh puts my hands -on him yesterday when I goes up to try and feed Abe some liver pills. -I leaves some fer th’ badger but I don’t reckon he took ’em.” - -“Tell yuh what I’ll do,” sez Magpie. “If you’ll rent us yore bear and -help us take him over to that ol’ tunnel uh Big Foot Smith’s and let -us use him fer uh few days I’ll give yuh ten dollars. We’ll guarantee -not to hurt th’ ol’ feller none.” - -“That’s reasonable, Magpie, but I don’t sabe what yuh wants th’ badger -fer.” - -“If we can pass ol’ Abe off as uh fe-male grizzly, I don’t reckon -we’ll have much trouble in passin’ that badger off fer its cub. -Dog-gone it, they look uh heap like uh li’l bear, at that, Mighty.” - -“How yuh goin’ to ketch him?” I asks. - -“That’s yore chore, Ike. Git uh rope and make good.” - -Th’ Harper tribe allus was noted fer their gameness. I gits Mighty’s -rope and ambles up back of th’ stable. I sees th’ bear. He’s sunnin’ -out there on uh ledge uh rock, and don’t pay no attention to me -a-tall. I reckon he’s got troubles of his own which keeps him -occupied. I sneaks around behind him, and there I sees Mister Badger. -He’s shore uh whopper, and he’s stretched out on th’ rock with his -head turned th’ other way. - -I gits th’ loop to swingin’ right, and braces my feet. I ain’t what -you’d call a expert with uh rope. In fact I’m of th’ garden variety -when it comes to swingin’ th’ rope, but I’m game. I gives th’ rope uh -last whirl and lets her go. Did I git that badger? I’d tell uh man I -did! Also, I gits th’ bear. - -Uh bear and uh badger may be good pals when they’re separated, but -friendship ceases when yuh pulls ’em together in th’ loop of uh rope. -Also they makes it uncomfortable fer th’ party on th’ other end of th’ -rope. - -When I stops at th’ cabin I ain’t wearin’ no pants, but I got uh’ -strangle holt on that ol’ badger. Pore ol’ Abie gits loose about -half-way home, and he shore moves spry-like to th’ top of th’ cabin, -where he orates his displeasure and shows symptoms uh liver trouble. -They helps me hog-tie that badger, and then Mighty complains uh heap -about his pet. - -“Ike, yuh ought to be careful about Abe,” sez he. “There wa’n’t no -sense in gittin’ him all excited thataway. Mebby he’ll have uh -relapse, and I ain’t got uh liver pill left. He’s uh sick animile.” - -“Th’ —— he is!” sez I. “He tore my pants off, and almost clears th’ -cabin in one jump, so I don’t reckon he’s so danged bad off. We got -female folks at our house, so I reckon yuh better loan me uh pair uh -pants to go home in, Mighty.” - -He ain’t got nothin’ but uh pair uh overalls, which don’t meet by six -inches at th’ waist and lingers jist below th’ knee, but I puts ’em -on. We ties th’ badger to uh pole, which me and Magpie packs, and -Mighty leads Abe and his bellyache with uh rope. Big Foot’s prospect -ain’t been worked fer so long that it’s all grown up ag’in and looks -like uh natcheral cave. - -“Here’s th’ idea,” states Magpie. “We’ll put th’ bear and badger in -th’ ol’ tunnel. Then we’ll git th’ perfessor and his outfit to come -over and see us separate them. We’ll keep that alleged cub over to th’ -cabin long enough to satisfy th’ perfessor. Sabe?” - -“You got another think comin’ if you thinks that Abe and that ol’ -badger is goin’ to hibernate peaceful like in that hole while yu goes -over to head th’ peerade,” objects Mighty. “Since Ike stirred ’em up -thataway, Abe ain’t acted noways friendly toward th’ badger, and said -badger ain’t got no love fer nobody after ridin’ upside down on uh -pole fer two miles. How am I goin’ to know how Abie’s bellyache is, -all this time. I can’t stay with him.” - -“Do you think I’m goin’ to lose all that money jist because there -ain’t no love lost between two dumb brutes?” snorts Magpie. “Big Foot -must uh been afraid that somebody was goin’ to invade his ol’ prospect -when he built that door at th’ entrance, but he shore simplified -things fer us. We’ll stick Abe and his imitation cub inside an’ block -th’ door. By th’ time we git back they’ll be friendly ag’in.” - -“Abie’s bellyache—” begins Mighty, but Magpie shuts him up. - -“Gosh A’mighty, you gives me uh pain! No wonder that pore bear’s got -uh stummick ache. You’d give uh wooden Injun th’ pip, Mighty. Mebby if -yuh quits givin’ him all them patent medicines he’d be uh heap better -bear and last longer. That stuff’s causin’ all his hair to come out. -If yuh don’t quit he won’t even make uh decent rug.” - -Abie goes in plumb willin’ but the badger objects. He tries to squeeze -out, but twistin’ uh stick in his hide sorta disgusts him and he -retires. Mighty pilgrims off home, and me and Magpie goes back to our -cabin. - -“Ike,” orates Magpie, “this is uh cinch. That badger resembles uh li’l -bear uh heap, don’t yuh know it? Also, Abie is so shy on hair that -nobody could prove whether he’s black, brown or gray. Let’s be glad.” - -“Lets be glad uh li’l later on,” I suggests. “I’m strong on this here -gladsome stuff, Magpie, but this here idea uh countin’ yore scientific -experiments before they’re done experimentin’ is uh heap like lightin’ -yore last match to see if it’s uh good one before yuh goes to th’ -trouble uh makin’ uh cigaret.” - - * * * * * - -Th’ perfessor is sunnin’ hisself by th’ cabin when we gits back, and -th’ doc is fussin’ with uh pho-tygraft apparatus. They welcomes us -real heartily, and th’ perfessor is uh heap excited and pleased to -know that we’re ready fer th’ experiment. - -“I hope I can get some good action in a bear picture,” states th’ doc. -“It will help in provin’ th’ perfessor’s experiments.” - -That was some pilgrimage. We strings out in single file, with Magpie -in th’ lead and th’ perfessor next. We places th’ fe-male next in -line, allowin’ considerable space between her and th’ doc, in case she -should rear up and fall over backwards on some of th’ steep pitches. -Also, fer safety sake I packs th’ doc’s shotgun. When we reaches the -alleged bear den we finds Mighty settin’ at th’ door. - -“Abe’s ailin’ ag’in,” sez he, solemn like, lookin’ th’ outfit over. - -“Who is Abe?” asks th’ doc. - -“His pardner,” states Magpie, winkin’ hard at Mighty. “He seems to -have pains in his stummick most of th’ time.” - -“Appendicitis,” pronounces th’ doc. “May need an operation.” - -“Doctor,” sez th’ perfessor, “this is no time to talk of operations. -Prepare your camera and try and picture the proceedings.” And then he -asks Magpie— - -“Are you sure that the mother and young are in the cave?” - -“Pore ol’ Abe comes to th’ door and—” complains Mighty, but th’ doc -pats him on th’ shoulder and sez: - -“Never mind. Just as soon as possible I will diagnose his case. I may -have to remove his appendix.” - -“I don’t reckon that’s what ails him a-tall,” states Mighty. “Yuh see -he’s been used to havin’ his meat cut up fer him but, bein’ as I ain’t -no Daniel, I didn’t care to center th’ den, so I jist throws in uh -saddle uh venison to him and slams th’ door. Mebby he overeats.” - -“Unique way to treat a patient, isn’t it, Doctor?” puffs Mrs. -Perfessor, from where she rests her bulk on uh log. - -“It is,” agrees th’ doc, reprovin’ like. “You should have given him -some broth.” - -“Never had none,” sez Mighty. “Patent medicines don’t help him none, -anyway. Say, Magpie, I got to worryin’ about Abe and his roommate -gittin’ in uh fight so I comes over after you left and tied th’ cub to -uh timber in there.” - -That made it plumb easy. All we has to do is go inside, lead th’ cub -out and shut th’ door. Ol’ Abe pokes his head out and wails uh few -stanzas, and th’ doc snaps his pitcher machine. - -“Wonderful!” whoops th’ perfessor. “You men have earned that bonus -right now. You have shown yourselves so competent that I am willing to -chance the rest of it. Do you suppose your friend here, with the sick -partner, would accept a small remuneration for his services?” - -“Without uh doubt,” sez Mighty, before Magpie has uh chance to open -his mouth and th’ perfessor slips Mighty a yaller-backed bill. - -“Thanks, ol’-timer,” sez Mighty. “That’ll buy me one uh them things -what yuh grind meat up in. Yuh see, Abe’s teeth ain’t what they used -to be, and when he eats meat he gits them pains and he’s liable to -bite or claw ——, I begs yore pardon, ma’am, out uh me.” - -“Not appendicitis symptoms,” states th’ doc. “Does he have -hallucinations?” - -“No,” sez Mighty. “Leastwise I don’t reckon he has. He’s showed -symptoms uh St. Vitus dance and th’ bellyache and has moulted most of -his hair, but I reckon that ol’ age sneakin’ up on him makes him -thataway more’n anythin’ else.” - -“How old is he?” asks Mrs. Perfessor. - -“Don’t know edzactly, ma’am. I killed his mother when he was comin’ uh -year ol’ but I don’t remember what year that was. He’s had uh lot uh -sickness, ma’am, and most all th’ hair’s rubbed off his belly, which -uh course makes him look older than he really is. Sabe?” - -Mebby she don’t sabe, but anyway, she don’t ask no more questions. She -takes uh sixty hoss-power look at Mighty, and ambles right off up th’ -trail. Th’ doc looks sorta surprised at Mighty, but th’ perfessor -don’t pay no attention. He’s busy gloatin’ over that badger. - -“Gracious,” sez he. “The young of the grizzly surely do mature young. -Doctor, just look at those claws. Do they lose that stripe on the back -like a young deer loses it’s spots?” - -“Uh-huh,” sez Magpie. “All bears is striped when they’re born, except -black ones and they’re purple”. - -Me and Magpie has to pack that badger all th’ way over to our cabin. -We tries to lead it, but that wasn’t a success. It starts all right, -but th’ perfessor is in th’ road, figgerin’ in his note-book. That -rope gits familiar with his long legs, and he’s some strung out when -we gits ’em separated, but he don’t mind. He sets there on th’ ground -and figgers in his note-book, while we untangles th’ rope off his -feet, and never pays no attention a-tall. - -When we gits home we ties th’ badger to uh tree. Me and Magpie figgers -that our labors is over fer uh while, so we aims to take life easy fer -uh spell. Th’ doc is busy shootin’ up th’ tin cans around camp, Mrs. -Perfessor is croshayin’ what looks like uh pair uh ear-muffs fer uh -blacktail deer, and th’ perfessor is studyin’ th’ actions of uh peeved -badger, so me and Magpie goes down on th’ crick, where we got some -bedrock stripped. - -We’re busy pannin’ out some dirt about an hour later when we hears an -uproar back at th’ cabin. - -“Now, somebody has gone and raised ——” snorts Magpie. “Them is -natcherally quiet folks, Ike, and not given to loud nor unseemly -noises, so there must be uh good reason. Mebby that danged badger’s -got away.” - -“More likely th’ doc’s hit somethin’,” I orates. “Mebby he mistakes -th’ perfessor’s wife fer uh tin can. She’s built thataway.” - -We hikes back to camp and finds things considerable disturbed. Th’ doc -is settin’ on th’ steps of th’ cabin, wearin’ uh injured expression -and uh torn shirt. Mrs. Perfessor is limpin’ around th’ place like uh -hound pup cuttin’ circles to find uh place to lay down. Perfessor -Phinney is still settin’ there studyin’ th’ badger, which seems -considerable riled over somethin’. - -“What’s th’ trouble?” asks Magpie. - -“Maternal instinct!” snorts th’ doc. - -“Nothing to get excited about,” wheezes th’ lady, tearin’ uh strip uh -cloth off her skirt, and cinchin’ up uh cut on her wrist. “Perhaps it -wasn’t a complete success, Doctor, but we’ll have to do it again -sooner or later. It was merely a humane act.” - -“Then I’m not very strong for humanity. Hereafter I draw the line to -playing wet nurse to a grizzly.” - -“We overlooked one point,” states Mrs. Perfessor, wise like. “To -remove an offspring of that age from its mother is like taking the -sunshine from the flowers or the dew from the grass. Know what I -mean?” - -“She means,” states th’ doc, fingerin’ th’ long gash in his pant leg. -“She means that th’ blasted brute needs milk to prolong its young -life, and she induces me to help her let it imbibe condensed milk from -a can.” - -“It was interesting to note that condensed milk did not appeal to its -palate,” remarks th’ perfessor, makin’ more notes in his book. - -“My ——,” sez Magpie. “Did yuh try to feed it cold canned milk?” - -“Yes, did it need warming?” asks th’ lady. - -“Shore thing. They won’t eat it cold. Next time yuh wants to set th’ -can on the stove fer about fifteen minutes.” - -“Live and learn,” quotes th’ doc. “I knew something was wrong.” - -That night Mighty Jones comes over to git somethin’ fer uh tooth ache. - -“Gol’ A’mighty,” sez he. “I got to have somethin’ or lose my mind.” - -“If that’s all, yuh ain’t so danged bad off,” sez Magpie. “But rather -than see yuh lose somethin’ yuh never had I’ll let yuh take our Jap -oil bottle. Rub uh li’l on th’ tooth, and she’ll be better than new.” - -Mighty takes th’ bottle and goes off down th’ trail holdin’ on to his -jaw. Did yuh ever hear of Jap oil? It’s th’ concentrated essense uh -dynamite, hell’s fire and asphyxiation. It cures anything. Never knew -anybody to ask fer uh second helpin’, but it shore is uh whole -medicine chest fer uh prospector. It’s jist as good fer penumonia as -it is fer uh busted leg, and I knowed uh feller oncet who kept th’ -pack-rats out of his cabin by jist pastin’ th’ label off uh bottle on -his front door. Achin’ teeth is jist uh vacation chore to that -medicine. - - * * * * * - -Th’ next mornin’ me and Magpie goes over to do uh li’l work on th’ -crick, and th’ doc goes off across th’ hills with his shotgun. Th’ -perfessor and th’ badger gits busy watchin’ each, other ag’in. Long -about ten o’clock we decides to drift back to camp to see how things -is progressin’. - -We’re up on uh point above th’ shack where we can git uh clear view uh -th’ country, and about two hundred yards below th’ cabin we sees th’ -doc. He’s doin’ uh reg’-lar Injun sneak in some bull-pines. We watches -him sorta sad like fer uh while, figgerin’ that he won’t hit what he’s -sneakin’ on, when we happens to see what he’s after. Up th’ creek -bottom comes Mighty Jones and Abe. Abe is humpin’ along about ten feet -ahead uh Mighty. Mighty seems uh heap sore at th’ bear, and anxious to -overtake him. - -“Blasted ol’ ossified porkypine,” wails Magpie. “Bringin’ that -moth-eaten, alleged grizzly right over where it spoils our whole game. -Let’s git down there and stop him in th’ brush.” - -We breaks down past camp. Th’ perfessor is still studyin’ th’ badger. -Mrs. Perfessor sticks her head out of th’ door and yells somethin’ at -us as we goes past, but we don’t stop—not a-tall. We’re jist passin’ -th’ cabin, when: - -“Blam! Blam!” goes doc’s shotgun down in th’ timber. - -“Come on, Ike!” pants Magpie, stretchin’ out his long legs like uh -bull elk goin’ to water, and hurdlin’ everythin’ except the -lodge-pole. He didn’t need to waste his wind thataway. I’m with him. - -We busts into uh li’l clearin’, where we first sees th’ doc doin’ his -sneak, and we runs into th’ queerest bunch uh misery I ever seen. I’ve -seen uh cougar with th’ St. Vitus dance and an ulcerated tooth, and -I’ve beheld uh jack-rabbit which was shot in th’ north end with uh -load uh rock-salt, but by th’ whisperin’ wolves, this here exhibition -makes ’em all look like uh stachoo uh peaceful moments. Right there in -th’ clearin’ is pore ol’ Abe, and he shore is adjustin’ hisself to -suit local conditions. - -First he puts his head down between his front legs and does uh lot uh -contortion work that would stump uh snake. He whizzes across th’ -clearin’ like uh fur pin-wheel, uncouples hisself and comes back with -his nose in th’ dirt and sorrow in his soul. - -He’s jist about half-way back, and me and Magpie is standin’ there -with our jaw-bones restin’ on our chests, when: - -“Bling! Bling!” goes uh six-gun. - -Not knowin’ th’ angle uh them shots, we immediate and soon assumes uh -reclinin position. - -Mebby them shots was uh heap opportune, cause if we hadn’t uh laid -down of our own accord, ol’ Abe shore would have spread us some. - -He didn’t seem to pay no attention to them shots, but somethin’ in his -carcass seems to say, “Go east, ol’ bear, go east,” and Abie shore -heeds th’ summons, and hurries right across us. - -He plants one foot on th’ part uh my carcass where uh civilized man -wears his rear collar button, and his long toe-nails seems to shake -dice all th’ way down my vertebray. - -We arises too late to see him leave, but he’s shore pointed toward our -happy home. - -“Abie seems to have hit his second childhood,” yawns Magpie. “I’d ——” - -“Did I hit it?” yells uh voice across th’ clearin’, and there stands -th’ doc. - -He shore is uh sight. He sets there, hangin’ onto uh tree, and tries -to watch four directions to oncet. His hat is gone along with uh lot -of his clothes, and his respect as uh big game hunter seems to leak -out of every pore. - -“There was two,” he wails. “I shot one, and before I could see whether -I had killed it or not, the other one walked all over me. I didn’t -know they went in flocks. I lost my gun. I wonder if I hit it?” - -“You did,” states uh voice behind us, and there stands Mighty Jones. -He’s standin’ sorta bent forward at th’ waist line, while one hand -explores th’ rear of his pants. - -“Did I hit it?” asks th’ Doc, ag’in, sorta eager like, and Mighty -replies more in sorrow than in anger: - -“You shore did. Both loads, dad bust yore soul—and me without no -drawers on. I tries to smear yuh with my six-gun, but finds that all -I’m shootin’ at is yore hat and part uh yore shirt on uh bush.” - -“Say, Mighty,” sez Magpie, gittin’ around on th’ windward side of th’ -ol’ jasper, “you must uh took uh bath in that Jap oil. You shore are -odoriferous, ol’-timer. Whew!” - -“It slopped uh li’l,” sez Mighty. Abe was ailin’ somethin’ awful over -in that ol’ prospect, and I figgers that th’ doc would relieve him uh -heap if I brings him over. I reads th’ epitaph on that bottle and it -orates that it’s good fer cramps. - -“I tries to give some to Abe but he don’t warm up to th’ smell a-tall. -In fact he won’t even associate with me, and ambles ahead uh me all -th’ way over. Down here uh li’l ways I manages to overhaul him and -shoves th’ whole works down his blamed neck. It shore animates him uh -heap, Magpie. I’m watchin’ him go spry like and loudly off into the -brush, when all to oncet two loads uh bird-shot comes along and hives -into th’ seat uh my pants. It riles me uh heap. I’ll leave it to you -if bird-shot ain’t aggravatin’, Magpie.” - -Th’ doc gits enough of th’ conversation to learn that he’s shot -Mighty, and he seems uh heap concerned. He’s still hangin’ onto that -tree, but he holds up his other hand and sez: - -“No more, I’m through using a gun. Mister Jones, would you accept that -gun as a present?” - -“Now, ain’t that ——?” wails Mighty. “Ain’t it, Magpie? Here I been -wantin’ uh britch loader shotgun fer years, and jist when somebody -gives me one I’ve already tied th’ danged thing around uh tree so it -won’t never shoot no more. Ain’t that cheerin’?” - -“Well,” sez I, “lets go up to th’ cabin and see how things is shapin’ -up there. I has uh feelin’ that all our good works is ravelin’ out.” - - * * * * * - -We gits almost to th’ cabin when we sees th’ perfessor. He’s settin’ -on th’ ground near where th’ badger was tied to uh tree, but there -ain’t no sign of th’ badger, and Abe ain’t in sight. - -Th’ perfessor’s black coat is split up th’ back, and his hard hat is -circlin’ his arm like uh band uh crape. There’s uh scratch th’ whole -length uh his face, but he’s still grinnin’ and tryin’ to write on one -leaf uh that li’l book. Th’ rest is some tore up and scattered. - -“I was right!” he squeaks. “I told Professor Manning that the parent -bear would seek and find its young. They went away together. I had -untied the cub to take it down to the creek for a drink, when the -outraged mother came along and forcibly freed her baby. She——” - -“Bang!” - -From th’ inside of th’ cabin comes th’ report of uh heavy shootin’ -iron, and Mrs. Perfessor spills out of th’ door, and skates her three -hundred pounds off th’ porch. She sets there and claws th’ hair out of -her eyes. - -“Remarkable performance!” exclaims th’ perfessor. “She never fired a -shot before.” - -“It—it—it buh—buh—busted,” she stutters, pointin’ at th’ cabin. - -“Wimmin ought to let guns alone—also some men,” states Mighty, still -prospectin’ fer lead on th’ rear of his personal property. - -“Gun,” snorts th’ injured lady. “It wasn’t no gun.” - -“What was it, my dear?” asks th’ Perfessor. - -“Milk,” she snaps. “Milk for the bear. It just got hot and blew up.” - -“My ——,” gasps Magpie. “Ain’t that jist like uh woman. She forgot to -punch uh hole in th’ top of th’ can.” - -“Never mind, my dear,” consoles th’ perfessor. “My contention is -proved, and we can leave at once. We’ll adjust matters with our -employees and go home.” - -“What about th’ snake theory, Perfessor?” I asks. - -“Do they or don’t they?” he asks, haulin’ out th’ remains uh that li’l -book. - -“They don’t,” sez I. “They never have and never will.” - -“At least I can point with pride to the fact that I hit something,” -remarks th’ doc with uh grin, when he gits on his burro and lights -another one uh them stinkin’ rolls. “I’m sorry I didn’t have a rifle, -I might have killed a bear.” - -“If yuh can see this far, and sabe th’ direction, yuh might point with -pride to th’ fact that I can’t set down fer uh week,” orates Mighty. - -“Perfessor,” sez Magpie, “would yuh mind tellin’ me jist edzactly what -competent means?” - -Th’ perfessor adjusts th’ remains uh that hard hat on his peaked head, -and squints at Magpie over th’ top uh them funereal-rimmed glasses. -“Why,—er—it means, adequate or sufficient.” - -“Thanks,” sez Magpie. “It shore is and we have had. _Adios._” - -“It stands to reason—” begins Magpie, as th’ caravan goes off down th’ -trail, with Mrs. Perfessor’s burro squeakin’ and groanin’ at th’ rear, -but Mighty ceases scratchin’ long enough to snort: - -“Reason, eh? By cripes, Magpie, that’s uh fightin’ word with th’ Jones -fambly from now on and ever more. I listened to reason oncet, and look -what she done to me. I got to sneak up on my belly to dinner, and pore -ol’ Abe’s——” - -“Abe,” sez Magpie, “is either uh bear angel by now or uh fugitive from -Jap oil. Here’s an extra ten dollars, Mighty. Be glad.” - -“That’s shore reasonable,” sez Mighty. - - THE END - -[Transcriber’s Note: This story appeared in the August, 1917 issue of -Adventure magazine.] - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEARLY REASONABLE *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following -the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use -of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for -copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very -easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation -of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project -Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away--you may -do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected -by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark -license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country other than the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where - you are located before using this eBook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm website -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that: - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of -the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the Foundation as set -forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, -Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up -to date contact information can be found at the Foundation's website -and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without -widespread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our website which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This website includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |