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diff --git a/old/65189-0.txt b/old/65189-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 9921e59..0000000 --- a/old/65189-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5071 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Hashimura Togo, Domestic Scientist, by -Wallace Irvin - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Hashimura Togo, Domestic Scientist - -Author: Wallace Irvin - -Illustrator: Frederick Strothmann - -Release Date: April 29, 2021 [eBook #65189] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Peter Becker, Les Galloway and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The Internet - Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HASHIMURA TOGO, DOMESTIC -SCIENTIST *** - Transcriber’s Notes. - -The nature of the book requires many oddities of word, spelling, -and punctuation. This makes it impossible to unequivocally identify -possible errors therefore no corrections or changes have been made. - - - - - HASHIMURA TOGO - - -[Illustration: - _“You are not permitted to amuse cousins while working,” she snib. - “However, Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to Daughters of - Samantha.”_] - - - - - HASHIMURA - TOGO - - DOMESTIC SCIENTIST - - by - - WALLACE IRWIN - - ILLUSTRATED BY STROTHMANN - - - HEARST’S INTERNATIONAL LIBRARY CO. - NEW YORK - - - - - Copyright, 1914, by - HEARST’S INTERNATIONAL LIBRARY CO., INC. - - _All rights reserved, including the translation into foreign - languages, including the Scandinavian_ - - - - - Contents - - - CHAPTER PAGE - - INTRODUCEMENT 7 - - I TOGO’S THURSDAYS OUT 11 - - II TOGO’S MOVING DAY 19 - - III TOGO RUNS A FURNACE 26 - - IV TOGO AND THE “WEAK-ENDERS” 33 - - V TOGO SWATS THE FLY 41 - - VI TOGO SAILS FOR BARGAINS 49 - - VII TOGO IN BACHELOR’S HALL 57 - - VIII TOGO AT THE SEASHORE 65 - - IX TOGO MEETS HON. CLOTHES LINE 73 - - X TOGO COAXES DOWN THE COST OF - LIVING 81 - - XI TOGO BECOMES A FIRE HERO 89 - - XII TOGO MAKES DISCOVERIES 97 - - XIII TOGO’S THANKSGIVING 105 - - XIV TOGO SEEKS TEA AND FINDS TANGO 113 - - XV ARE TURKEY-WALTZING A DANCE - OR A CONVULSION? 121 - - XVI WHEN WILL LADY-FASHIONS GET - ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES? 126 - - XVII THE DRAMA OF SEX 131 - - XVIII GRAND OPERA IN ENGLISH 136 - - XIX A LESSON IN EUGENICS 141 - - XX TOGO’S CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE - MORNING 147 - - XXI THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE 154 - - - - - Illustrations - - - “You are not permitted to amuse cousins - while working,” she snib. “However, - Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to - Daughters of Samantha.” _Frontispiece_ - - FACING PAGE - - By this warfare I broke considerable flies - and other dishes 44 - - When I fetch forth raw steak and apple - pie all require, “What the matter with - Togo?” 60 - - “Have he not been constantly on ice for - 2 yrs? Nothing could be fresher than - that,” depose Hon. Butcher 106 - - - - - Introducement to Mrs. Public - - -Dear Sir:—In reading this intellectual volume of words I hopes that -Mrs. Public & Husband will realize what I am stabbing at. Science in -kitchen, rugs, vacuum cleaners, babies etc is what I wish teach all -homes. Can this be accomplish? Answer is, Yes!! For housekeeping can -get to be a Science just like warfare and pulling teeth. - -And in each of those letters scrambled together in this Book I show you -how like a Scientist I behave; for Scientists learns big wisdom, does -they not, by manufacturing wicked smells, explosions and unhappiness. I -also learn knowledge of housekeepery that way, and if occasional folks -expire dead from eating what I cook, they should not get irritable. -Science has its victims as well as warfare. - -Hon. Shakspeare, or some other great bookmaker, say, “We learn by our -mistakes.” If such is case, then I have learned nearly everything that -can be assimilated about Gen. Housework. I have followed considerable -branches of this kitchen intelligence throughout U.S. America wherever -I could find carfare. Therefore I have swept all this wreckage together -in my brain and publicate them in this Book, which is sort of letter of -recommendation to show how much I can accomplish when least required. - -Frequent Professors has asked that Question: Why Do Servint Girls Be -Servints? I have dishcovered following reasons for it: - -1—To accumulate $4 weekly until wealthy. - -2—To drink gin secretly in refined homes. - -3—To learn politeness from being snubbed by Ladies. - -4—To quit noisily. - -Still more frequent Professors require: Why is Reason for High Costly -Living? Answer is, Servints. If you ask any Lady in places from which I -have quit you will soonly find out. One lady called me most expensive -Servint in America because I cost her $1302.33 for breakery of crockery -in one week of labor. I were considerable proud of that record which -are seldom equalled, even by Swedish. - -What are purpose of this Book? To teach Ladies be more kind while -abusing their help. With very apologetic thumbs I acknowledge that -Hired Girls is not perfected like other modern machinery. Too many -waitresses wait too long before obeying anybody. Too many nurses spoils -the children. Too many cooks spoils the broth. Etc. Yet what could you -expect for $6 weekly? Not much. And you usually do not get it. This -are very labentable state of affairs, and I am peculiar among Servint -Girls because I never do less than expected of me. I usually do more. -For instancely, if Hon. Boss Lady expect me to break ½ her dishes, -I break all. If she expect me to burn up the roast, I burn down the -house. Success in any line can be manufactured from such industry. - -House-ladies should continuously remember that Servints are only human. -Sometimes slightly less. Nor should persons feel peev of temperament -because Cooks only stay shortly when they call. Folks does not expec -Doctors and Undertakers to stay longtime when they come to houses. No!! -They got too much busy duties elsewheres to linger considerable with -one customer, however much they enjoy it. Suchly it is with Cooks. They -give so much time they can to each victim & pass onwards. Then why -should they be followed with brickbatts & regrets when they depart for -station? There is no answer to this question. - -During my promenades from jobs to jobs I have visited considerable -kitchens. Some folks have promised to treat me like one of the family; -this sound deliciously sweet until I see how that family behaves with -itself. From such places I escape nearly lifeless. In my profession -I resemble burglars—continually entering houses without welcome and -seldom quitting without taking something with me. Sometimes I take -valuable experience, sometimes injury of eye which are considerable -precious for teach my soul how to set in his place and act low down. - -Hoping you are the same - - Yours truly - HASHIMURA TOGO - - - - - HASHIMURA TOGO - - - - - I - - - Togo’s Thursdays Out - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who should be found in every - employment bureau_ - -Dearest Sir:—While working in servant-girlish employment of Gen. -Housework I have endured considerable cruelties with great durability. -But when ladies insists to pour kindness upon me, then the worm twists -from such brutality. For thus reason I am now entirely disjointed from -job of working at home of Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke & Husband, Nutt -Center, N.J. I tell you this historical event. - -When I employ this Mrs. Hoke to be boss, she say with Jane Addams -expression, “Hon. Abe Lincoln freed niggero slaves sometime of yore; -therefore Japanese servant must also be considered human.” - -“I do not expect such sweethearted treatment,” I say for slight -tear-drop. - -“I am going to commence my beginning by being generous to you,” she -encroach. “You may take Thursday afternoons out.” - -“How far out can I take them?” are question for me. - -“Plenty far,” she renounce, “but not so distant he will not get back in -time for breakfast Fryday morning. I give you this Thursday p.m. from -great philanthropy of soul, so you will be able to work harder when you -get back.” - -“What amusements are proper for servant on this bright holidate?” I ask -to know. - -“Sometimes one way, sometimes different,” she pronounce. “Walking, -setting down, quarreling, flirtating, seeing emotion-picture show, -obtaining drunkenness, getting married or arrested—all are good ways -for servant on Thursday.” - -I thank her from the stomack of my soul and fill my brain with -joy-thoughts about that nice date of afternoon I should spend. It -were Monday when she say this. Each day afterwards my gladness become -pretty plenty when I think what light amusement it should be. I fill my -mentality with plans for frivolity. Maybe I should go to hear Rev. Dr. -Soyanada lecture on Mr. Ibsen. Or perhapsly I might walk in Unnatural -History Museum admiring skeletons. These light joys seem pretty -happy—but O!—of suddenly I think something better. I should write my -cousin Nogi for meet me in G. A. R. Cemetery where we could learn -American language by reading biographies on monuments. - -Thursday morning arrive up. Such beauty of day! Air was clear like -alcohol, making blueness of sky which removed blueness from heart. -I never observed better day for servants to see cemeteries. At 11 I -eloped to room for make slight brush to shoes & derby. - -Lunch time arrive. - -“Togo,” report Hon. Mrs. Hoke, poking unprepared head into kitchen, -“you will be unexpectedly detained at home this afternoon; so sorry. -I shall give bridge-gamble for 48 friends this and 6 additional must -remain for dinner-eat.” - -Door-slam was her next reply. - -Mr. Editor, have you ever been retained in kitchen, manufacturing -lemonade-drunk for ladies while Nature stand outside whistling for -you? Amidst such sorrows your fingers shuffle their feet and your soul -refuses. I attempt to bake cake while enjoying these pains; but you -cannot make cake arise when your heart contains no yeast. - -All through brightness of afternoon bridge-gamble continue while I poke -forth chocolate. At lateness of 11.22 p.m. 6 additional persons depart -off from dinner-eat. I go bed without congratulation. - -Next morning Hon. Mrs. report to kitchen with shameface. - -“So careless, I forgot Thursday!” she guggle. - -“Could you not forget Monday or Wednesday next time?” I acknowledge. - -“When Thursday comes again, remind me it is here,” she snuggest while -tucking her hairs. - -So I again enslave myself with fidelity for 6½ complete days. This -Thursday, I think so, me & Nogi should see that delicious cemetery -while brightness of weather was there. Once more I write Nogi, “Come -meet me at kitchen, so we sure find each other.” He reply back, “Will -do.” - -Next Thursday come up. More sunshininess of thermometer I never saw. On -such days birds gets headaches from too much song. So I was prepare to -elope away for slight vacation. By early date of breakfast I encroach -up to Mrs. Boss and reply with butler voice, “Thursday have arrive!” - -“So glad you remind me—so he has!” she gosp. “If you had not speak I -would forgot—Daughters of Samantha Stitching Society meet here this -p.m. You must assist with salad-eat for 41.” - -“Are this not my outside day?” I repeat for slight peev of tone. - -“Be less impertinent in your impudence,” she snagger while walking. - -I remain where was that afternoon. Yet my soul became so sogged he -nearly dropped out. At 2 p.m. while I was chopping up detestable -chicken for salad-feed, my Cousin Nogi make smiling knock-knock to -kitchen door. - -“When shall you get out?” he require with fashionable derby. - -“I am hopelessly sentenced for life,” I reply spirally. “Set down in -chairs and enjoy my imprisonment.” - -Ring-door occur so I must lay aside my apron and other sorrows while -opening knob for assorted fat ladies. When I go back to kitchen and -commence explaining indignation in Japanese to Cousin Nogi, then Mrs. -Hoke poke her features in door. - -“Who that?” she require hashly, making points to Nogi. - -“My affectionate cousin Nogi,” I corrode. - -“You are not permitted to amuse cousins while working,” she snib. -“Howeverly, Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to Daughters of -Samantha.” - -Loudly crash heard when Nogi was escaping through window. - -Mr. Editor, Thursday Out are like any other form of love. If you never -had it you never miss it. I had 2 Thursdays removed from me and was -getting accustomed to do without. - -When another Thursday arrive up all Nature look cross & aggravated. -Extreme cyclones begin blowing away Kansas; trees threw down, huj -landslides of snow fell from heaven while wet rain also was there to -make puddles amidst ice. - -Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke arrive in kitchen with her face filled up from -the sunshine which was not in sky. - -“Togo,” she say so, making charity expression of mouth, “you have been -earnestly faithful Japanese in bake, stew, and dish-wash.” - -“I confess it.” This from me. - -“Therefore I shall reward it,” she sympathize while pointing to -outdoors where nature were feeling seasick while blowing down -hen-shed. “I give you your Thursday Out.” - -“I bid you merry no thanks!” I say it. “If convenient, I shall take my -outing inside where there is less pneumonia.” - -“O!” she defy with steam voice. “You dishobey my orders?” - -“If convenient,” I snagger, “I prefer my picnic in my bedroom where -there is only one leak.” - -“Shall not do!” she howell. “Your lung require fresh air Thursday.” - -“My lung feel plenty fresh already,” I insure. - -“O boneless Japanese!” she retork. “Why should I be continuously -thoughtful for your convenience? Why should I treat you gently like a -horse when you stand there and kick my kindness back in my face?” - -Bang door. She popp away. - -When dishes was entirely washed off I retire upwards to my room with my -mind full of vacation. This department where I slept was neat room for -Japanese, but too small for Swedes. What should I do with this enclosed -Thursday? Sleep, perhapsly, and enjoy a few nightmares by daylight? -This seem too inappropriate. What then should I? - -I set on bed opposite bursted portrait of Hon. Geo. W. Washington while -watching drop-drip of rain falling into wash-bowl. Pretty soonly I -uprose and lock door. - -How should I be amused? Then, of suddenly, I think it. Music! That are -considered most fashionable indoor exercise for jaded fatigue. So I -open up trunk and got out following implements: - - 1 Japanese banjo of whang-string variety. - 5 complete cigars of Philippine factory. - 1 music entitled “Jolly Widow Wedding March.” - 1 umbrella of American nationality. - -I tie umbrella to bed, so keep off drop-drip. I arrange myself under -this water-shed, light cigar in teeth, put banjo in knuckles, retain -music on knee. Then I commence beginning. Japanese banjos, Mr. Editor, -refuse to wear American tunes unless forced to do so; but by practical -continuation of pick-pick on strings I can become quite Mozart. I -spent 2½ hours at this musical sympathy, filling small room with -more sounds than it could contain and almost becoming tuneful, when—O -startle!—knock-knock rapped at door. - -“Come inwards!” I holla. - -“Can’t do, and be pretty quick about it!” glub basso voice of Hon. Mr. -Hoke, making rattles from locked knob. “Please unlock door so I can -drag you out.” - -I oblige politely by unlatching that locker. Hon. Hoke rosh inwards and -stand sky-scraping over me like bulldogs scaring mice. - -“Why you mean?” he thonder. “Why you so reptilian in depravity when -kind Mrs. Wife are so angel-handed? Are she not entirely generous?” - -“She are quite Carnegie,” I pronounce humbly. - -“Did she not give you my shoes last week?” - -“She do. I am saving them to give to some tramp who like ventilated -soles,” I oblate. - -“What are more ungrateful than ingratitude?” he hoop. “And now this -sweetish lady offer you Thursday which you refuse. Why so?” - -I point out of window where weather was there shooting lightning into -churches while thunder cursed with entreme bellus. - -“I do not like this Thursday,” I renig. “It is damaged.” - -“You shall be included among the wreckage!” he nash while compelling me -downstair. And next I stood alonesome in the midst of Thursday which -was quite drowned. - - Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - II - - Togo’s Moving Day - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who are still there, I hopes,_ - -Dear Sir:—Kindly to please notice my detachment from employ of Hon. -Mrs. & Mr. Anna G. Sulkz, Cornstable, N. J. I shall tell you how -they carelussly came to remove their home without including me among -furniture. - -One morning a.m. Hon. Mrs. arrive to kitchen and observe me singing -Japanese opera amid dish-pans. - -“Togo,” she say it, “date of Maytime will soonly arrive up. May Day are -come when nervus prostration are enjoyed by all Homes which must travel -for their health.” - -“I should like learn this education,” I say it. - -“You shall,” she pronounce. “Kindly to begin at oncely. Firstly you may -rave through house tearing all pictures down and all carpets up. We -must move on Wednesday before our lease stops doing so.” - -“I shall obey with faithful mania,” are promus from me. - -So I do so to any extent. I seek forth with tack hammer and am so -earnest from labor that entire residence look quite cyclone. Too bad -important cow portrait hanging over piano were crushed by falling on -that mahogany music! Also sorry to observe so much jugs, china, and -ancestors bursted by striking me while I worked! But what you expect? -Home are like any other ship. It would not be wrecked if it would -remain motionless. - -But Hon. Mrs. Sulkz would not agree to this wisdoms. When plaster cast -of Mr. Dante, famous inferno, fell over and stroked me on forehead with -his sharp nose, Hon. Mrs. make loudy ouch. - -“Awful!” she yellup. “Why must everything break what strikes you?” - -“I am grieved.” This from me. “If that poet gentleman had less soft -head it would not explode when striking mine.” - -“It were an artistic bust,” she narrate while weeping. - -“I notice this,” I reprobate while sweeping up small plaster fraxures -from that great poetry.—And so onwards. - -When Hon. Sulkz, important gentleman of Senator Penrose resemblance, -retire homewards that night, he look round with anxious thumbs. - -“I wish women could vote,” he exaggerate, “because then they would get -less time for housekeeping and home would be left comfortable once in a -whiles.” - -Hon. Mrs. make pepper answer to this reply, but I were too busy -dragging carpet downstairs by his ears. - -At lastly morning of May date arrive. I awoke and called me early, -wishing to think Tennyson poem, but could not do because rain ensued -as usual and Italian-speaking shovels was digging gas-hole in street -amidst intense odor of smell. - -I hear noise of considerable “Whoa!” befront of house. Look see! Three -swollen wagons resembling circus was there while 3 drivers, assisted by -enlarged Irish, spoke language to horses wearing overalls. - -I rosh downwards to open door and all Moving Vanners rosh inwards -intending to make jiu-jitsu with furniture. - -“O please!” collapse Hon. Mrs. while them 6 Vanners looked cruelty at -piano while unrolling their giant muscles. “O please be gentle with my -home!” - -“Mrs. Lady,” say Hon. Boss Mover, making chawtobacco, “strong men -are always kindest.” With such dictation he embrace Hon. Piano with -terrible Turkish elbows and knock off several legs by removing -door-knob while brushing too close. Assisted by considerable Irish, -Hon. Piano make crash-bang music by stumbling into Van. - -“How could you treat music so carelussly?” chock Hon. Mrs. ringing her -hands. - -“One cannot be a Sandow and a Paderewski at same moment,” snuggest Hon. -Boss Vanner while performing slides with bed furniture. - -Pretty soonly all that Home was ejected outward into street. Ancestors, -coal-scuttles, landscapes, dictionary, dust-pan, etc. all waltzed down -stairway on top of that great muscle. When Hon. Vanner drop bureau -which crack in 2 he say to Hon. Mrs. Sulkz, with chivalry expression, -“I call you to witness; this goods is damaged.” And so onwards. - -Pretty soonly, when that Home were completely tied down in wagons, Hon. -Mrs. arise upwards from her nervus prostration and say so to me, “Togo, -can your brain do some intellect?” - -“I shall be entirely brilliant, if brain is not,” I promus. - -“Well, if so,” she snagger, “I wish you would ride on front wagon with -Chief Housebreaker and tell his brainless mind the number of new house -where it should go.” - -“Where shall it be?” I inquest. - -“Remember this number exactly—125 North Orange Street. Can your memory -assimilate it?” - -“Doggishly!” I insure. - -“Remember—125!!” she holla while Hon. Vanload chuckle off. - -This job of bossing boss make me entirely enlarged in my sensations -which feel like German army. To think of! Small-down Japanese like me -setting there in frontwheel seat dictating orders to gigantic Irish! -This show how brains is more muscular than muscle. - -Pretty soonly we arrive up to home entitled Number 125. O such -landscape of expensive house! Front lawn extending on all sides, -considerable pompus windows, goddesses in iron nightgowns standing near -fountains, and front door of considerable brass resembling Senators. -Joy inflamed my ears. How pleasure I feel to know that Hon. Mr. Sulkz -had increased his salary so much he could afford to move into house -like a library. - -While thinking this intelligence I stood forth and command all those -enlarged Vanners like Napoleon moving into France. Firstly we go to -front door of new home for open him so furniture get in. How strange! -Hon. Key seem disabled to unlock it. Howeverly much we twist and -fubble, it make no impression on that brassy opening. - -“You have got wrong key,” say Chief Mover. “But not be dishcouraged. -I was once a burglar. Therefore I can deceive that lock into opening -himself.” - -With talented thumbs and several pocket-knife he stroggled & ranched -until—O suddenly!—Hon. Door click apart and there we stood in grandy -hall resembling theaters. - -But what I see there? Surprise! That home we entered were entirely -filled with furniture of boastful appearance. Sofas, statues & gilty -upholstery stood everywhere looking natural. - -“Last family have been too sluggish to move out in time,” glub Hon. -Vanner. “Shall we throw out this proud furniture and wedge ours in?” - -“Not sure,” I renig dubfully. “So many sideboards & pianos might be too -heavy to throw very far. Perhapsly they are new instalment furniture -bought by Hon. Sulkz to fill up.” - -“Gentlemen with so much duplicate tables should lead double lives,” -grubble Hon. Boss Teamer. “Shall we move inwards?” - -“With immediate quickness!” I signify, making Admiral Dewey eyebrows. - -So all Moving Vanners do so with immediate strength. Sooner than before -all that Sulkz home was walking into midst of grandeur which look quite -snobbish to see so many plain chair & table piled up in midst of that -Czar of Russia parlor. No room was for another piano, yet we pile him -next. Dining-room were too much crowd for second table, yet we set 2 -on top of each other. Same thing must be did with beds, stoves, and -wash-tubs. - -When all this jobs were completely finished, that house look like a -judge after Republican banquets—entirely grand, yet too filled to feel -comfortable. - -However! When all those Vanners say “Gid-dap!” and drove away in Gen. -Direction of more beer, I sat alonesome in house. 4 hours I await idly -doing nothing. What had occurred to kill all Sulkz family that they -do not come to reside in this new palace? I was confused. Night time -approach up. I could hear ghosts creaking under piano, so I lit $10000 -chandelier in dining-room and ate crackers while pretending I were King -of Portugeese expecting revolution. - -Silence was interrupted by noise. What was? I heard many footprints -walking into house—and while it was too soon to hide, 2 realestaters, 6 -police, Mrs. Sulkz, Mr. Sulkz, child & dog walk inwards. - -“How you get in here?” howell Hon. Mrs. with voice. - -“I move in,” I narrate calmly. “This are number you told.” - -“It are right number but wrong house,” she snuggest. “I told you North -Orange Street. This are South Orange Street.” - -“Would that make some importance?” I ask out. - -“Mentality of a mice!” she aggravate. “Do you not know difference -between North and South?” - -“There are no difference,” I explan with Abe Lincoln expression. “That -were settled by civil war.” - -But before I could complete finishing my talk, more civil war elapsed -while Hon. Sulkz, police, real-estate, child & dog poke me through -mixed furniture while I eloped away like an old-fashioned egg escaping -from Dr. Ostler. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - III - - Togo Runs a Furnace - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who are cheaper than coal, - because he warms many homes, price 15c._ - -Dear Sir:—Most recent job of employment I was impeached from was home -of Mrs. and Mr. J. W. Humburg, Pondside, N.J. Perhapsly you can tell me -why, because I am disabled to understand the customary habits of some -households. - -Just a few days of yore I apply there in extreme coldness of snow. This -Hon. Mrs. Humburg, dark hairs lady of muscular expression, approach to -kitchen and observe me. - -“You are a cook?” she ask it. - -“Yes are!” I say it. - -“Then you will be expected to feed the furnace while doing so,” she -negotiate harshly. - -“Must I be an engineer because I am a hired girl?” I requesh. - -“I guess supposedly,” renig Hon. Mrs., while leading me to inferno of -down-cellar where I was introduced to Hon. Furnace. This iron animal, -Mr. Editor, lives like a very homely hermit in middle of low darkness. -He set there in nest of ashes, with tin snakes growing from his -forehead like zinc octopus. His teeth was full of blazes and he would -of made a nice idol for Japanese to worship when feeling old-fashioned. -I could not love his face which seem too hungry when open and too -satisfied when closed. - -“We never permit him to go out in winter,” narrate Hon. Mrs. - -“I shall watch see he do not escape,” I promus with Wm. Jerome eyebrows. - -Annexed to Hon. Furnace were a slight clock with one finger going -around like taxicabs. “This are the steam gag,” explan Hon. Mrs. “He -are now pointing 23.” - -“Do that tell age of Hon. Furnace?” I require educationally. - -“No, not!” she snagger. “That indikate the number lbs. steam in -boiler. You must be careful about that. If Hon. Steam Gag jump above -25 lbs. that will mean Hon. Furnace have got too much steam on his -brain and might blow up with Harry Thaw noise. When Hon. Steam Gag get -too ambitious, Oh, cool Hon. Furnace with immediate quickness before -explode up!” - -“A Samurai janitor fears no steam!” I reject proudishly, while folding -my elbows over coal shovel. - -Mr. Editor, I did not stoke long in this situation of work, but I make -very pleasant impression of it. Although I enjoy thumb-scorch, ash-eye, -and janitorial pain of spine, yet I commence to love Hon. Furnace for -his characteristic. I begin to dishcover he are like Hon. Beethoven, -famus piano-player—he got red-hot soul inside his homely face. It were -pleasant to watch him eat $8 worth very hard coal and purr from sweet -digestion. It are nice to be healthy. He seem to contain no meanness. -When I close his mouth with shovel he forgive that impoliteness. He -love to have me comb his ashes with poker. - -Pretty soonly, while doing this, I begin to feel like engineers running -_Lusitania_. I decorate my complexion with smudges and imagine how 1000 -Newport passengers was on upstairs deck congratulating my intelligence. -While thinking thusly I poke more coal into inflamed mouth of Hon. -Furnace. Yet I keep my scientific eyesight on Hon. Steam Gag for see he -did not over-jump 25 lbs., thusly causing mania to explode. - -This engineerish work seem so heroic that I grew quite peev about -merely house-maidenly work. Yet I was hired to do. So I perform them -with disgust. - -While I was upstairs doing bed-make exercise, Hon. Mrs. incroach with -sharpness of face peculiar to swords. - -“I am quite aquainted with Hon. Furnace,” I say for happy smiling. - -“I notice it,” she degrade,“by the thumb-tracks you leave on -bed-spread.” - -“If you would burn white coal, maybe I would match your delicate home -more nicely,” I snuggest. - -She reply by not doing so. - -Hon. Furnace seem more depressed that afternoon p. m., so I sit beside -him to shovel nourishment. Hon. Steam Gag say 14, which are very sick -temperature. Hon. Furnace look dull-eye like fish, and more I coaled -him the less he het. I feed him slight soap-box for light foods, and by -4:11 he smile more pleasanter and commence eating coal. At 5:12 Hon. -Steam Gag awoke up to taxicab work. - -Thusly I left him and go to kitchen for make food for rest of family. -But my soul would not get into that kitchen work, Mr. Editor. It were -similar to a janitor attempting to be a chef. It might be done, but can -it? I almost nearly put shovelful of coal in apple-pie, I was thinking -so hard about what would tempt appetite of furnaces. - -Howeverly, I finished fashionable foods for that Humburg family to eat, -to include considerable potatus and canned corn. Hon. Mrs. who went -to Trenton for slight shop-buy, arrive back at 6:34 attached to her -Husband. I observe that gentleman through door-hinge and notice his -dishagreeable Wall Street appearance. He look entirely bear-market. -First thing he do when approaching inside was to sneeze while walking -to Hon. Radiator and touching him with diamond fingers. - -“Huh!” This from him. “Have you employed Hon. Doc Cook for janitor?” - -“Why so?” This from Hon. Mrs. - -“Because he makes North Poles wherever he goes,” snig Hon. Mr. I could -not assimilate this compliment which might be otherwise. - -I brought in dinner-food on tray and set him to table. When Hon. Mr. -took chair he looked to me with serious eyesight. - -“That are nice-looking niggero boy you employ,” he snuggest to Hon. Mrs. - -“He are not niggero,” she devolve. “He got that complexion from being -attentive to furnace.” - -“Oh,” he snagger. “If he would put more coal in Hon. Furnace and less -on that face, perhapsly I should feel less iced.” - -I could not chide that denaturized man, yet I thought so. - -After dinner-eat he approach to kitchen and say: “Togo,” he say with -doggish voice, “furnaces are made for heats. Otherwisely we would use -ice-boxes, which is just as handsome. Any cook who cannot feed my -furnace should be banished for cruelty.” - -“I understand this knowledge,” I report chivalrously. - -“Did you permit Hon. Furnace to go out?” - -“Ah, no, not I did!” This I say. “I watch him entire day and give you -my truthful insurance he did not leave that cellar.” - -“Tonight you must compel him to heat, no matter how desperado you act,” -he snarrel, departing off with bang-slam. - -At hearing such adjectives, angry rages filled my hair with scorn. What -is so ungrateful as ingratitude? Nothing!! Had I not sat by sick-bed -of Hon. Furnace, feeding him what stumach would hold? Yes! And yet this -crude gentleman reproach my firemanship with coolness. - -Nextly I become determined. I would compel that heater to a hotter -thermometer if I cooked my soul doing so, I declare! - -So I ascend down to cellar. Hon. Furnace was still there doing the -same. I shook him with considerable peev, but he merely answered by -winking his dull coals. Hon. Steam Gag say 18 and act like he was -intending to faint away. I have read in novel-book about bravery of -engineer who save his ship by burning it up for steam. I shall do -similar! - -I burst up kitchen table, which should burn nice because covered with -happy grease. Hon. Furnace love such foods and eat him with loudly -roar. Hon. Steam Gag jump forwards to 19. Afterwards I poke in oilcloth -which blaze resembling July 4 and smell more so. At this sight Hon. -Steam Gag leap onward to 21 and that cave where Furnace lived become -quite sun-stroke. And when I fetch forth excelsior-shave quenched with -kerosene, I never observed Hon. Furnace chew more satisfaction. Coal I -added in hodd—when—Oh, look!! - -Hon. Steam Gag had arrived at 27 and was pointing his reckless finger -further up! This could not happen!!! I remember how Hon. Mrs. had -cautiously warned me that Hon. Furnace would get steamed brain and -explode from dementia if Hon. Gag surpass 25 lbs. Yet there he was -approaching 30 with mean taxi-click! - -What should heroes do with such circumstances? I thought lightning. Too -much fire make too much steam, too much steam make blow-off. Therefore -fire must quit at oncely. With rapid coal-scuttle I make outrush to -kitchen sink where I fill him with water and make back-rush to cellar. -I open mouth of Hon. Furnace, and embracing my elbows, throw water with -awful strength. What did that cruel furnace reply then? - -WHOOSH!!!*** - -Out-jump of steam, cooked coal & atmosphere suppress me backwards with -such rapidity that I hurricaned through 2 doors and 1 window, arriving -in outside snow-bank on the seat of my stumach. - -“What deed have you done now?” scram Hon. Mrs. from topside porch. - -“Your furnace just discharged me,” I flop back disgustly. - -“I congratulate him,” she narrate. Then she make earnest close-down to -window, so there I sat surrounded by frost. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - IV - - Togo and the “ Weak-Enders” - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who know how to make home - beautiful by staying there_, - -Dear Mr:—There are a vacant place to be obtained for bright Japanese -Gen. Houseworker at home of Mrs. & Mr. Jeremia Spiggott, Flag Wave, Pa. -That vacancy are where I am not now working. It surprise me. This are -how it happen. - -During breakfast-table last Fryday Hon. Mr, Spiggott look uply from -Pittsbug news-reading and say with voice, “Mrs. and Mr. Wm. H. -Axweilder shall be here tomorrow p.m. for slight weak-end visitation.” - -“They are both entirely unwelcome, I am sure,” she snob. - -“If we merely asked people we liked there would be no hospitality,” he -rake off. “We must enjoy Hon. Axweilder’s company because of his great -wealth. If we are sufficiently delightful to him maybe he will permit -me to cheat him in business. You will love his conversational talk. For -so dull a man he have a most penetrating mind.” - -“He _must_ have to bore me so deep,” she snagger. “I like his wife less -than equally.” - -So that day she enslave me for hard housework, so all shall be -delightful for this disgusting visit. All day I do considerable proud -bed-make with swollen quilts of mushy silk appearance. At lastly -tomorrow p.m. arrive when Hon. Mrs. approach, up to me and say with -commutor language: - -“Togo,” she say it, “at toot of 2.22 train Mrs. & Mr. Axweilder will -arrive in custody of Hon. Husband. Kindly to hitch down Sarah, the -horse, to fashionable bug-wagon and elope to depot with coachman -expression.” - -I go forthly to horse-garage where Hon. Sarah stood eating his oat. -So I hitched it and made immediate race-course to depot where I stood -proudly clutching harness with grand thumbs resembling Newport. - -Toot-toot of 2.22! Three human personalities eloped forthly from -Pullmanly train. One were Hon. Spiggott appearing full of courteous -peev. Another was one enlarged gentleman of Republican expression. -Another were a very stretched lady whose nose contained great snobbery -amidst eyeglass. - -“It are such pleasant change from our usual wealth to be trotting -behind mild horseback instead of whizzing as usual in expensive -ottomobiles,” she snuggest sweetishly as we jogg off. - -“We prefer this style of locomobile because of its health,” growell -Hon. Spiggott. Yet he attemp to appear hospital. - -At hallway of home Hon. Mrs. Spiggott were enwaiting with face -containing smiles. By the cordial of her behavior you would think -she was glad. “I am so hilarious to see you including your delicious -husband!” she holla with soprano. Kissing enjoyed. - -“We shall have such unaccustomed pleasure in these simple -surroundings!” notate Mrs. Axweilder. - -Mrs. Spiggott replied by looking iced with her eyes. - -“I am glad you have came on such an amiable day for a golluf game!” -deplore Hon. Spiggott putting on sporty cap. - -“Yes. It are going to rain,” say Hon. Axweilder with slump voice. - -“That will make it seem more Scottish,” say Boss man cheerly. - -“On what vacant lot have you room to play golluf in such a -neighborhood?” require Hon. Ax while they depart off looking dangerous -with clubs. - -“This evening,” Mrs. Spiggott explain to Mrs. Axweilder, “we are -determined to give you dinner-party to include Mrs. & Mr. Washington -Whack, very charmed people next door.” - -“Are they related to the Whacks of Tuxedo?” Mrs. Ax cut up. - -“I are not acquainted with their geography,” glub Mrs. Boss. - -“Unless from Tuxedo they cannot live,” describe other lady. - -Mrs. Spiggott reply by thinking unpleasantly. - -“Would you not enjoy slight driveway around neighborhood for observe -country and fresh air?” she require at lastly, as soonly as her voice -ceased freezing. - -“I am always fascinated to see how the other ½ lives,” Mrs. Axweilder -shoot up. - -So I again hitch down Sarah, the horse, and forthly we trotted. -While we elope past sweet gardens & landscapes that visitor continue -gawsping: “Quaint! How comfort people can be for small salaries!” - -“Many persons surrounding here are top-high aristocrats!” snarrel Mrs. -Spiggott. - -“Undoubtlessly!” snuggest Mrs. Ax. “My Uncle Henry lives in country -residence containing 800 rooms.” - -“What are name of it—Sing Sing?” collapse Mrs. Madam with sweetly -smiling. - -Mrs. Axweilder listen without hearing. - -At lastly we arrive up to Cemetery View. Country Club for slight -tea-drunk. I await outside nursing Sarah, the horse, for considerable -hour. At lastly both Mrs. Ladies approach outward with accompaniment of -their husbands who smell quite highball. Both feminines look quite iced -as we go homeward. - -At lastly was dinner-time. I ceased off being coachman and became -waitress, as usual. - -“We only attemp small, cozy dinners in our excluded set,” explan Hon. -Mrs. while 6 persons took set-down to dinner. - -“My dining-room contains 80 people, mostly nobility,” report Mrs. -Axweilder while eating soup. - -Hon. Mr. Washington Whack, who set next by her, twist off his -shirt-button from excitements. While doing so he explain how his family -were similarly to Whacks of Tuxedo. Hon. Axweilder refuse to speak -while feeding his indigestion. Hon. Spiggott steam up his merriment and -tell college-bred tales about humor. - -When all foods was finished all retreated to parlor room where -bridge-gamble was enjoyed till late night. At 1.62 oclock Mrs. -Axweilder call Mrs. Whack an Ace & Mrs. Whack reply peevly, “Renig!” -full of scorns. All make go-home agreeing how enjoyment that evening -was. - -At 2.11 clocktime, while those Axweilders was glad go bed, Mrs. & Mr. -Spiggott set alonesome in parlor room where I could hear. - -“Why do you bring those buffalo kittens to rage around this -neighborhood?” she ask it. “One day more and I shall poison their -foods.” - -“They must get their fresh air somewheres,” he reprieve. - -“Why should they spoil ours?” she snagger. - -“I admit it,” he jar. “What could be more disgusting than Hon. -Axweilder?” - -“Hon. Mrs. Axweilder,” say her. So they go bed thinking so. - -Next morning were churchtime. - -“We have engaged orchestra seats for you at church,” repose Mrs. Madam. -“It will be great treat.” - -“What denomino church is it?” require Hon. Axweilder. - -“Methodist,” say her. - -“We never go Methodist,” say him. “We are Osteopaths.” - -“Then you will be pleased to excuse us,” backfire Hon. Mrs. with -smiling glum. “We dare not neglect religion for those we love.” - -So Hon. Spiggotts depart for church, walking together like chorus -girls. Hon. Axweilders remain in parlor room reading pictures in -comical supplement. - -“Why you brought me to this disgustly place?” require she from him. - -“I agree,” he snatch back. “We should have more fun going to hospital.” - -When I hear this repartee I step forthly into room with helpmeet -expression. - -“Sweethearted Weak-Enders,” I say so, “obtain your hats and baggages -with immediate quickness and I will snuggle you away from here before -they can catch you.” - -“What you mean by what you say?” they require. - -“I observe how you suffer. Therefore I help escape.” This I say. - -“I should muchly admire to go,” he croach, “yet cannot because Hon. -Spiggotts would feel sad to lose us.” - -“Your sudden depart off would grieve them even less,” I tell. “Last -night they included you among buffaloes and mentioned poison while -speaking of you. - -“Oh!!” Both stand up on their stamping feet. They rosh upstairs for -bag. They rosh downstairs with it. I go to animal garage for hitch down -Sarah. - -Pretty soonly church-bell chime forth while Mrs. & Mr. Spiggott return -backwards from there. They observe their weak-end gasts on porch. - -“What—must you carry yourselves away before Monday?” require Mrs. -Spiggott for sorrow voice. - -“Your poor but neat home is no place for zoological buffalos!” stroggle -Hon. Mr. Ax. - -“And poisonous food might be expensive from high price of drugs for -economical persons,” grubble Hon. Mrs. Ax. - -“Who told you this & that?” narrate those Spiggotts shockly. - -“Togo did!” say others. - -“So thanks!” she say so for sweetness resembling flirtatious snakes. -“Please continue your usefulness, Togo, by removing my happy company in -time to catch the time-table.” - -Soonly I arrive up to porch-step accompanied by Sarah, the horse. When -those Weak-Enders and other baggage were loaded in, Hon. Mrs. Spiggott -spoke furthermore. - -“Togo,” she pronounce, “when 1.11 train arrives up, hitch Sarah to the -depot and continue traveling by rail with my dearie friends who can -doubtlessly afford to hire you among their expensive servants.” - -So I spanked up Sarah with expression of one seeking employment where -he is not needed. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - V - - Togo Swats the Fly - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, noble editor who make - fly-chasing delightful among national sports._ - -Dear Sir:—Last Wedsday midnight p.m. were historical date when I bade -sad kiss-a-by to employment from home of Mrs. K. W. Pumphrey, North -Bourbon, Ky. This were too bad accident from my helplessness. - -When I enter this sweethearted home Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey say me, “Togo,” -she relate, “I am most particular about flies.” - -“I am sure you must raise some delicious varieties of these live -stock,” I collapse for chivalry. - -“O not to do!” she renig hashly. “I would sooner have a tiger in my -home than a fly.” - -“A tiger might be more noisy,” I negotiate. - -“A tiger merely contains six claws in his feet,” she snagger, “while a -fly got 10,000 scratchers each containing 10,000,000 germs. From this -you can estimate.” - -I attemp to do so until fatigued. - -“From national science report arranged by boss doctor of John -Hopsmith University I learn considerable valuable diseases which come -from flies. Asthma, miasma, phantasma, connection of the menbranes, -loss of memory, worms (hook, book & ring) hydrophobia, anglophobia, -colic, bibliography, and jaw-lock. All these are brought to homes from -footprints of this poisonous bird.” - -“They should not be permitted to fly,” I abhor. - -“It is not when they fly they are harmful. They do the damage when they -land,” she tell. - -“In this they are similar to aeroplanes,” I snuggest. - -“Perhapsly!” she combust. “At any rates, I give you instructions. -Whenever you see a fly, track him to his hole and shoe him at once.” - -“Only horse-flies can be shoed,” I determinate. - -She could not assimilate this reply I said. - -“Whenever I see flies,” she say furthermore, “I shodder, not so much -for self & husband as for dearie Baby Alexander, who are endanger.” - -“Expect me to fear nothing including flies,” I narrate cruelly like a -Samurai. - -Mr. Editor, when housewifely lady got fears for something she got it -even when it are not there. I once did kitchen labor for one lady who -imagine tramps was somewhere all time. When grocer arrive with order -expression, she holla, “Tramp!” till he say otherwise. She yall, -“Tramp!” when welcoming book-agent peddleman come. One day gentleman -in very tired-looking clothes arrive up to door. She screech, “Tramp!” -and quench him with hose-water. “I am preacher,” he yellup. “I thought -you was tramp,” she oblige. “At my salary I should be,” he negotiate -while walking awayward. - -Thusly it were with Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey about flies. Each morning she -examine fly-paper lovingly like mariners studying charts. - -“How much flies we caught this a.m., Togo?” she ask it. - -“Six,” I say it. “Five house and one butter.” - -“Unloosen Hon. Butterfly,” she dement. “We should not punish nature’s -lovely insex becouse of sins of others.” - -So I grabb that lovely insex and attemp remove him from his sticky -toes. But when I done so he turn meanly and bit me on thumb with hot -end of his poison tail. - -“That butterfly are a wasp!” I lecture amid Japanese word curse. - -“Wasps does little harm,” she say sweetishly. - -“What little they does can be noticed immediately,” I snarrel. - -And so onwards. - -After 2½ days of continuous flymanship I become extremely skilful -in murder. My ears became very bright by listening for flies. At -distance of 66 ft. I could hear Hon. Fly walking up windows. Then was -time for me. My eyebrows containing gunpowder expression peculiar to -Bwana Tumbo, I hide behind curtain-shade with cruel hand containing -swat-stick. Hon. Fly approach, little imagining. Now and occasionally -he stop and rubb his mittens together so they will be more ready to -catch more diseases. Still I await. Of suddenly I arise uply, silently -like eels drinking milk. And then. Swatts!!! - -By this warfare I broke considerable flies and other dishes. - -Hon. Pumphrey, husband, come home saying scorn about flies. - -“What are so fatalistic about this bug all of a suddenly?” he ask it. -“In childhood of youth I was affectionately acquainted with flies. -While enjoying cradle-ride of infancy, flies was allowed to buzz round -my head like angel whispers. And yet I live.” - -“Man who talk like that never had any infancy,” snagger Hon. Mrs. with -peev. - -“If folks in this neighborhood could pay less attention to screen door -and more to window-lock there would be less burglary,” he otter. “6 -homes has been burglarized while everybody was busy snubbing flies.” - -He remove one enlarged coltish revolver filled with bullets and lay him -doggishly on table. - -“O!!!” This from Hon. Mrs. - -“While you are executing flies I shall mutilate burglars,” he narrate -with militia voice. “And let us see who gets it first.” -“Kindly not to point him this way while doing so,” elocute Hon. Mrs. -Madam looking calm but nervus. - - [Illustration: _By this warfare I broke considerable flies and other - dishes._] - -Another weeks go by and I am very much embossed in my work. Once in -occasionally Hon. Fly come walking into home on deceptive wings, yet -I pursue. Sometime I make masher motion with broom & impale him flat -against wall. Other time I allure him gently with towl so he flop to -fly-paper where his feetsteps becomes glue. - -Once Hon. Fly alight downward on Baby Alexander nose, shaking his cruel -feet, intending to leave 10,000 symptoms. Spank! I capitulate that -insex by stroking Hon. Baby on head with apron. Yet he cry without -thanks for my bravery. - -At lastly that house were so scarce of flies you could not find him -without advertising. All day, while not sweeping other rugs, I search -back & forthly with cruel fly-spank. Yet never a buzz was there. Such -was accomplishment of my great science. - -Night of Wedsday approach up. When dinner-eat was accomplished and -dish-wash ceremony done up, my Cousin Nogi arrive to kitchen for make -conversation from Japanese politics while eating cake, kindness of Mrs. -Pumphrey who didn’t know it. Lateness of hour arrive. When time of -11.63 p.m. come, Nogi make sleepy go-home while I emerge to my bedroom -expecting tomorrow, as usual. - -I light gass. What was? Buzz! Ah, Hon. Fly, where was it? I turn -my eyesight behind window-curtain—and sure enough! There stood one -entirely enlarged buzzer washing his front thumbs. - -With sneekret expression I borrow slipper from myself and stole forth. -Crouches. Of finally, when Hon. Fly seem to be looking at his nose, I -lep. Bangs! Yet he was too soon. He flew uply, aeroplaned circular for -moments, and then—when less expected—start to fly outward through door. - -O!! This escape must not! Slightly down hallway were child-room where -Hon. Baby Alexander layed enjoying innocent nightmares. That fly must -not arrive there to sting him with medical diseases. If no hero was -there to save him who must? I must! - -Therefore I rosh forwards with slippershoe in my Samurai thumbs. -With talented stroke of match I lit gass. O yes! There were Hon. Fly -snuggling in air right over eyebrow of that infantile. I make talented -swing to lash him with slipper, yet he were too collusive for me. -Ere I could brush him dead he make slippery-wing motion & flew to -window-curtain where he hide shyly like poets avoiding praise. - -I should get him yet! I crouch downly, my slipper raised uply. But -while I do so—O look! Who there? - -Standing distinctually in doorway of child-room I observe Hon. Mr. -Pumphrey standing like a cold ghost in pajamas. And in his righthand -finger he held that enlarged coltish revolver. - -“What is?” he whasper ghastly. - -“I chase one in here!” I gollup. “He are now coyly hiding behind -curtain of window.” - -“Were he stealing my child?” gawsp him. - -“Not yet but maybe,” I narrate. - -“Wait while I shoot,” he narrate while making target movement. - -“Ah not!” I holla. “Permit me to do so. I have killed several with -slippers.” - -“How foolhardened is courage!” he stotter while I lep forwards. -Swatts!! with dareless heel of slipper-shoe I collided Hon. Fly so -certainly that he broke and fell amidst dead kicks. Prides filled my -lungs. Joyly I reach downly, and pick Hon. Fly by fingers. - -“I save your child without expense!” I naturalize. “Here is!” - -“Here is what?” he require, peevly chewing his breath. - -“Hon. Fly,” I reject, like militia. - -“You mean say you approach in here so stealthly a.m.dnights for catch -flies?” This from him with flashes. - -“I say it!” - -“Great Scotch! And I thought it was a burglar!” he say disappointly. - -“So sorry I could not find one,” I gosp. - -Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey come in while she fainted away. - -“Next time you come into my Baby’s room don’t do so!” she snarrel. - -“Mrs, Madam,” I decry, “how can you talk so crosswise? You tell me how -slaughter flies for their rattlesnakish crimes, yet you say scolds when -I do so.” - -“Midnight is not fly-time,” she narrate. - -“Maybe you are enraged because it were not a burglar,” I snuggest. “Yet -what is more horble to have in house than a fly?” - -“A Japanese foolboy is!” corrode Hon. Mrs. & Mr. in together voice -while dejecting me outside of screen door where I still remain, feeling -quite dissolute. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - VI - - Togo Sails for Bargains - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who tell all American ladies what - to wear, but neglect to explan where they can buy it._ - -Dear Sir:—I am now entirely missed from West Dewberry, Mass, near -Boston where it is. Reason for this are dissimilarity of intellect -caused by Hon. Mrs. Violet Sweet, lovely lady with Harvard voice and -bargain arrangement of soul. I show you how was: - -Last Thusday in the early a.m. of forenoon this Hon. Mrs. Sweet was -setting with Boston news-print reading it up. - -“Oh!” This from her. - -“What is?” I require chivalrously standing near respectful carpet-sweep. - -“Great sales are sailing in all Dept Stores! With immediate quickness I -must depart off and buy one.” - -“Can you afford this extravagance? I ask to know. - -“In buying bargains I never consider costs,” she dib with mustard voice. - -She depart offwards up stairs. Pretty soonly she return backwards -wearing fashionable hobble of clothing. - -“Togo,” she say for gently smiling, “how you like take vacation to day?” - -“This would be good healthy for me.” - -“I generously grant this rest to you,” she acknowledge. “All I require -you to do is to come Boston with me & carry whatever shopping I buy.” - -I a.m.ch obliged. So we depart off by railroad trolley while I carry -suit-case, cloak, handbag & umburella on my polite elbow. She set -proudishly in cars while I obtain rearward seat behind her. Pretty -soonly Hon. Conductor encroach to her with carfare expression. - -“I require transfers, if convenient,” she commute. - -“Not to do, Hon. Lady!” reproach Hon. Conductor. “We never give -transfer on cars of green complexion.” - -“I shall report your backward talk,” she snib. - -Pretty soonly she make turn-around to me. - -“Pass me hand-bag!” she say so. I donate that leather implement. - -She open him up and seek inside with nervous expression of fingers. - -“You lost it?” I ask to know. - -“I cannot dishcover my golden vain-box where it is!” she holla, making -more looks inside. Eccitement. “O here is!” she exclam, bringing up one -slight box resembling golden cake of soap. She open Hon. Suit-case, -remove powder puff and make slight smudge to nose with that delicious -feather. Then she put him back in box, close box, imprison him in bag, -close bag and hand him to me. - -“Give me suit-case,” she pronounce. I poke forth that valuable -arcticle. She open him by brass clasp. - -“Where are my hand-bag?” she require for frights. - -“Here is!” I renig. She open him up to see if Hon. Vain Box are still -comfortable, then close him, drop him in Hon. Suit-case, and thrust him -backwards to me. - -Pretty soonly we make changecar at Porterhouse Junction. We make -step-up into red-headed street-car what await there. - -“Carfare!” holla Hon. Conductor with police expression. - -“Give transfers to this gentleman!” she require from me where I sat -back. - -“Hon. Conductor neglect to give us that paper!” I negotiate. Her eyes -was full of vinegar. - -“How dares you talk repartee after losing transfers?” she denote. So -she give 10c extravagant cash to Hon. Conductor. - -Nextly we came to Boston. Hon. Mrs. Sweet make her feet very determined -and at lastly we arrive to a swollen building containing glass windows -full of wax ladies resembling Newport. Hon. Mrs. Boss say “Oh!” with -raptures and emerge inside. - -Mr. Editor, I never observed so many ladies walking circular as was -inside that Hon. Dept Store. Wholesale quantities of female people was -rushing elsewheres like Suffragettes who lost their general. - -In the meanwhiles Hon. Mrs. Boss were somewheres. I could not tell. -For 26 complete minutes I make search-up while being knocked in both -directions. At lastly I dishcover her by enlarged counter full of blue -polka-dots containing label, “DRESS SILK 19c.” - -“Togo,” she exclam, “where are my money?” - -“No got,” I narrate. Her nose grew angry. - -“Are you so unintellectual that you do not know my money is in my purse -in my handbag in my suit-case?” - -I give her Hon. Suit-case, feeling very sorry for my depravity. - -Nextly we descend up elevator. On next floor I observed a warfare. -Surrounding one enlarged sign pronouncing “Great Slaughter of Waists.” -Hon. Mrs. Sweet see this and holla, “O such happy bargain!” Then she -make inrush while acting like a mob. - -She attempt to remove one refined clothing away from a fatty lady whose -hat was rye on her head. - -“Where you come from to act so Indian?” require Hon. Mrs. Fattish. - -“From West Dewberry, Mass., more better place than you!” snib Hon. Mrs. -Boss. - -“I shall teach you some manners,” report Hon. Fattish making tug-jerk -to waist. - -I could not see that dear Mrs. Sweet thusly deposed upon, so I stand -forth with upturned bundle. - -“Stop off!” I holla to this wide woman. “How darest you be rude to a -lady?” - -Hon. Mrs. Boss and Hon. Mrs. Stout stand offward and look to me. - -“Togo,” ensnap Mrs. Violet Sweet, “when you are called on you shall be -called.” - -So I withdrew backwards and permit her to finish that slaughter alone. -Again she requesh me for handbag. I donate it to her. - -“I shall keep it,” she dib. “You are not safe with valuable -accumulations.” - -So she give me one more swollen bundle for carry and proceed onwards. - -“Where I shall find dish-pan, curling-iron and latest fiction-book -bargain?” she require of Hon. Floorwalk. - -“Three floor down-side take elevator,” he computate. We do so and -arrive there where numerous sell-ladies was there making society -conversation and other crashes of hardwear. Hon. Mrs. Sweet buy -dish-pan, price 13½c. I carry this. She obtain pat toaster, -bird-cage & complete written books of Hon. Rud Kipling. I hang those to -myself. - -“Where I find millinary hats?” she ask out to Hon. Sell lady. - -“Top floor go upwards,” she indicate. - -We do so. I stand back at respectable distance holding Hon. -Bundle-package with fatigued elbows resembling Santa Claus. Hon. Mrs. -set befront of mirror-glass attempting to make herself look Vanderbilt -for $3.29 price. She try hat with roosters pointing upwards. - -“You look very swelled for the price,” say Hon. Sell Lady. - -“Took it away!” commit Hon. Mrs. She try hat with roosters dropping -downwards. - -“So joyful appearance!” suppose Hon. Sell Lady. - -“Remove it!” snib Hon. Mrs. - -At lastly she choose hatwear with roosters surrounding it in circles. -Hon. Sell Lady enwrap it in box resembling trunk and this are piled on -top of me. Thusly we start homewards. - -At doorway Hon. Mrs. say, - -“Oh! I must buy a pin, price 3c!” She elope to counter and do so. - -Mr. Editor do you realize to know how difficult a pin can be? For 41 -complete minutes we await that important sticker, then Hon. Mrs. must -change $5 bill for remove 3c change out. At lastly when we arrive to -trolley outside, Hon. Mrs. require, - -“Togo, shopping are very outwearing work.” - -“I heard so,” was loud report for me while restraining Hon. Hat Box -where he slid on my ear. - -At lastly we was in Porterhouse Junction setting in depot awaiting -changecar. Of suddenly Hon. Mrs. holla, - -“Oh!!!” - -“What was?” This from me. - -“I have lost Hon. Handbag. Elope back to Dept Store with immediate -quickness and remove it from pin-counter where is.” - -I set down all them bundles in pile resembling an Alp. Then I attach -myself to Hon. Trolley and ride back to where she say. - -With Samurai elbows I sidle myself through them broad ladies in Dept -Store and arrive up at pin-place. Oh Yes! There were that dear Handbag -laying loosely amidst pile of needles signed “4c.” I pick him up and -start offwards. - -While I was debutting out of door with Hon. Handbag on my proud wrist, -one gentleman clasp me by coat. - -“You are a shop snatcher!” he acknowledged glubly. - -“I cannot assimulate your insult,” I renig. - -“Where you obtain Hon. Bag?” he snuggle. - -“He belong Hon. Mrs. Boss who is there!” I snagger. - -“Come long to penitentiary!” he gubble, making dragging movements with -my wrists. - -“Hara kiri!” I yall, and before he could be more abominable I give him -jiu jitsu and knock him over a bargain. Then I commence eloping away -with talented foot-steps. - -“Stop Mr. Thief!” several human persons holla, and nextly I knew I -were a runaway with Boston attempting to catch up. I am a very sly -Japanese, Mr. Editor, and when I was sufficiently entangled amidst -streets I redoubled on myself and escape away to other sections of -Boston where crimes was not noticed. 2 complete hour of time I hid -there amongst flats. Then I emerge forth and catch redheaded trolley so -I should meet Hon. Mrs. at Porterhouse Junction. - -“Why you not stay all day?” she require sarcastly. - -“Should gladly do so, but Hon. Police prevent,” I advocate. - -“You got my handbag where was?” - -“Yes, please!” I gave it forth to her. She look at it with disjointed -eyes. - -“Living sakes!!!” This from her. She enjoy deep gasp and faint off. By -slight water-sip I revive her back. - -“Damaged remnant of heathenish immigration!” she gollup, holding forth -Hon. Bag. “Where you snatch this article of luggage?” - -“Off from Hon. Pin-Counter,” I say so. - -“I never seen it before. It belong to someone else!” - -Thusly revolving she fainted out again. So I left her to enjoy it by -herself and sklunk away feeling entirely impossible. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - VII - - Togo in Bachelor’s Hall - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who must believe in shooing - bachelors from neat homes with other flies and mice._ - -Dear Mr. Sir:—If you make inquiry for me at home of Hon. C. J. McGumm, -Philadelphia, N. J., please do not go there, because needless to find -me where I no longer am. I changed my mind from that job of employment -for reason I say here. - -Hon. Mrs. C. J. McGumm are blondface lady of considerable young years -and very goodhousekeeping mind. Her Hon. Husband (of similar name) are -the only untidiness she cannot sweep off from carpet when attacking -cleanliness. - -“Why are you so rubbish, Hon. Darling?” she require each nightfall when -he retreat home from office with tired business appearance. “When you -are in house all furniture cease to act obedient like it should and -everything become deranged apart. Door-knob then become hat-rack for -your derby, your coat wanders to sofa and fall asleep, while shoes will -be found under piano kicking mud.” - -He act entirely sugar to her. He reply to her inquiries by kissing -expression of mustache, and they talk dove-dove language, which explain -everything by not doing so. - -But at lastly explodes came. - -“Must marriage always be a cyclone?” she require one morning a.m. when -he threw newspaper in gas-log with negligée expression. - -“Hon. Heartsweet!” he snuggest, “I wish be comfortable in my own home.” - -“So ha!” Weeps enjoyed by her. “Then you do not love me some more!” - -“Why is?” he repostulate. “Must I prove adoration by acting miserable -around house?” - -“You are becoming more detached from me each day, I notice,” she -lamentalize. “I can tell by your easy, smiling manner that you think -of me too seldom. You break my house rules continuously. Instead of -setting in hard, cheap chairs, you occupy wedding plush rocker, price -50$, which should be used only by society when it calls; you make -smoke-cigar whenever you feel smoky; all time you read prize-fight -instead of talking love to me, and each meal you demand apple pie with -insurgent expression.” - -“But I like apple pie,” he snuggest. - -“Formerly you loved nothing but me,” she snatch. “Now you forget you -are married.” - -“Must I refuse to eat because married?” he snagger doggishly. - -“So ha!” she dib for pain. “If that is where your thoughts are staying, -then all must cease. Farebye! Hence forthly you shall find me c/o -Mother.” - -She arrange hat with traveling expression and make bang-out from door. - -While she depart off Hon. McGumm stand by window-glass looking very -Romeo. Sadness showed from his ears and chin. Then suddenly he resolve -around, making humorous smiles resembling tickled hyenas. - -“Ha, ha,” he say so. “Tee Hee and Ho. She imagines to think home cannot -be properly heated without a woman. She thinks shucks. Togo, we show -her how. We shall now run this house man-style instead of lady-style. -Bachelor Hall are only proper residence for male gentlemen.” - -“I am agreeable for this,” I report fearlessly. “How should we begin -changing the sex of this home?” - -“Signs of refinement should be removed with immediate quickness,” he -devolve. “Remove ribbons & home-sweet-home portraits from wall and -order 6 cases beer. In attic you shall find complete college-boy outfit -of Indiana clubs, box-gloves, and love-me pictures. These shall be -arranged in parlor to resemble saloon and other outdoor sports. Prepare -for dinner-eat tonight 10 lbs. complete beefsteak & 9 apple pies, -served with poker-chips and onions. To night at 7 p.m. I shall give -annual banquet to members of Yamma Yamma Fraternity of which I was a -joiner in days of manhood.” - -“I shall do so with all the crudeness of my nature,” I alarm. - -“Banzai & hurrah! We are free!” holla Hon. McGumm while he depart to -office looking happy but lonesome. - -Mr. Editor, you scarcely could imagine how I work to make that tender -home look tough. Up in top-garret I find considerable Yale tools. One -university row-paddle, 6 box-gloves, college pendulums with hurrah-rah -signatures on it, portraits of class days, dogs, chorus-girls, -and other prizefights all signed “To Darling Chas.” Also several -German-speaking beer-gobblers and one landscape representing Hon. Gaby -des Lys at a horse-race. - -I fetch these to downstairs. - -From parlor-room I took considerable art, representing several -mother-portraits, portrait of “Innocence” representing childhood -playing romp, portraits of an Alp by Aunt Sapho Lutz and considerable -photo of McGumm uncles enlarged from their ancestry. Also fire-screen -containing gilt, and tidy-cloth embroidered with artistic yarn. Also -red splush albuum and several framed-up mottos from Shakespeare, Elb -Hubbard & Genesis. - -I fetch these to upstairs. - - [Illustration: _When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie all - require, “What the matter with Togo?”_] - -With considerable talent resembling dry-goods draping windows, I -derange decorations for that parlor-room. I pile beer-bottles to -piano and fill jardenair with cigars. A rude house motto reporting -“CAMELS ONLY DRINK ONCE IN 78 DAYS BUT ENJOY IT LONG TIME” I sat on -mantelpiece where portrait of Hon. Ralph Woodrow Emerson once were. -Hon. Punch Bag I roped from chandeleer, while landscapes representing -actor-ladies, dogs and other glee clubs I disarranged esthetically -where was. I set parlor table with food-plates and decorate him -in central middle with box-gloves and college pendulum containing -joy-cries. Poker-chips by each plate. - -That room look considerable unmarried when I finish him. - -At promptness of six o’clock I elope to kitchen and commence mingling -steak with onions. At 6.22 I hear war-song resembling feetball, and, -peaking fourth from kitchen, I observe Hon. C. J. McGumm bringing home -a Varsity. - -“You remember that dreary date of ’99 when I bursted your collar-bone?” -require one polar-bearish gentleman hugging Hon. McGumm till I heard -him crack. - -“Them were hilarious days,” commute Hon. Boss. “Let us give rah-rah.” - -They do so, while plaster jar loose from spoken song. - -When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie, all require, “What the -matter with Togo?” - -“Nothing, no more than usual,” I snop for dignity. This seem to -make them still more thirsty, so beer was sipped amidst Yamma Yamma -congratulations. That ceremony were done very quietly while tablecloth -was burning from heated cigarette. - -“There was nothing to equal bachelor enjoyment,” explain Hon. C. J. -McGumm while doing so. - -“Nothing,” report one Taft-shape athlete. “I announce my engagement to -Miss Tessie Dewberry.” - -“We also shall marry in springtime,” pronounce 2 others distinctually. -Slight glum settle over all until basso quartet make song-sing entitled -“Soldier’s Farewell,” which add more jolly. - -“Let us play penny-aunty as in oldtime date,” snuggest Hon. Boss. So -they do so with considerable card. - -Mr. Editor, I cannot understand this gambol. It are like golf, a game -spoken in a foreign language. - -Considerable pile-up of poker-chip was enjoyed while one man say “I see -you!” yet look other way. They set for long lateness gossiping about -Aunty amidst click-click noise. It seem very tame exercise, less cruel -than feetballing, but more expensive. - -By one a.m. time my eyes got hypnotized from watching this -straight-flushing amusement, so I retired my head on chair and slept -away. - -At 3 a.m. by clockwork, I awoke upwards with basso quartet retreating -off with song-sing entitled “Good-night, Lady!” Yet I could not see -her. - -Next morning 8 a.m. Hon. Boss Man say he no care for breakfast in -dining-room because it make him feel destitute. So he took egg and -coffee in kitchen. He say he would be home indefinitely, so he depart -off for office seeming entirely unmarried. - -I took look at the appearance of that bachelor parlor. Considerable -rumpage was observed there. Quite several cigars had remained where -they dropped and 26 bottles stood by gas-log looking quite vacant. -Portraits of dogs & glee-clubs hung on wall in unequal position, -resembling sea-storm. - -What must I do with this room? I think Hon. Boss had told me whether -Bachelor Hall should ever be clean. Maybe not. It certainly look less -ladylike than ever in this deranged condition. Perhapsly Hon. Boss -should be entirely enraged if I attemp to broom & dust this compartment -he had took so much pains to masculify. - -So I set by table, lit slight cigar, and read pugilist paper while -upturning my feet. As thusly I reclined I did not hear something coming -in front door. - -“O!!!**??” - -I peek upward. There stood Hon. Mrs. looking less peaceful than hornets. - -“Hashimura Togo, what species of brutal debutchery have you been doing -in my absentee?” she snarrel. - -“I no do!” I say so. “Hon. Husband do!” - -“Do not add untruthfulness to your falsehood,” she snuggest -snap-turtlefully. - -“I have read in papers about the distrustworthiness of Japanese -servant-girls. But now I know. O!!! I leave my poordear Husband for you -take care of. And thusly you neglect him. How he must suffer!” - -She cover her hands with her face. - -“I swear it, Mrs. High Boss, your Hon. Husband—” - -“Do not swear before ladies,” she snib. “Now depart away while I faint.” - -I do so feeling entirely decapitated. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - VIII - - Togo at the Seashore - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who know how cook delicious - varieties of seashells._ - -Dear Mr.:—Among the fresh air at Sandflea Beach, Conn., employed by -Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Liddbeater, I am no longer to be found at that address. -If some one could find a seashore without an ocean attached to it I -should be more happily to remain. - -Nikkamura Japanese Employment Agcy send me there, where I arrive to -smiling blue porch setting alonesome amid winds. The internals of that -house resemble bleached almshouse, yet Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater say she -were fortunate to obtain it in fashionable location price 200$ monthly. - -“While by seashore we love the tough simplicity of life,” she snuggest -with sweat-hearted expression. “We must pay expensively for our -discomforts here, yet we are prideful to do so.” - -“This place resemble Coney Island, yet less fashionable,” I report -for compliment while observing girl-i-gig machinery on beach, candy, -flirtatiousness and clams while Hon. Ocean bounce up suddenly making -suds. - -“It are splandid place to come for rest,” she report. “Now kindly -to fetch 8 trunks upstairs, split wood, lynch hammock on porch, and -deliver 14 buckets water from artizan well 11 blocks up street. When -this are finished lunching can be prepare for 10, rugs beat, and -ice-cream friz for party tonight.” - -I thank her and feel sure I shall enjoy this vacation from work. - -These Liddbeater family have got two (2) children of assorted sexes, -age 17 & 18 respectfully. Eclaire are girl name and Oliver his. Both -wear very giggling clothes and love to be engaged. She got Stanhope -Whifflebudd, deliciously matinée boy, for hers, while Hon. Oliver -obtain sweetheart attention from Hon. Bluebell Vawk, youngly lady of -extreme tango. - -All those frivolled young persons take rest by not doing so. Each -evening they must attend Prof. Pffuster’s Waltzing Academy for more -education in new Max Itch dance, which are all the enrage. Daytime they -must enjoy tennis-play, walking, quarreling, and other excitements. -Only time they remain quiet is when they go swimming, for this they can -do by laying on beach under umburellas. - -But when Fryday night arrive up my vacation become considerably more -entangled. From out from depot emerge Hon. Mr. Liddbeater with tired -business expression while reading Wall Street news from paper. - -“Markets are decomposing rapidly while I am here,” he snuggest. “Unless -I rest very laboriously I must go back to my unhealth.” - -“What shall we do to make you feel entirely idle?” require entire -family together like chorus-girls. - -“At 4.06 tomorrow a.m. high tide shall arise and codfish will be biting -viciously,” he say so. “Therefore we go fishing.” - -Groans by all. - -“Maybe you prefer to enjoy your seasickness alone,” renig Hon. Mrs. -Madam with Pankhurst expression. - -“Darling, I could not,” he reprieve. “I am determined to share my -pleasures with my family. Therefore we arise upward at 3.30 to be -prompt with hooks.” - -That midnight was night for party where I friz ice-creams, served -slight rabbits of Welsh birth, assisted chairs where tangos was -jumping, play “Robt. E. Lee Polka” on pianola, and was otherwise -considerable talented. By 2.26 I retire upwards to my box bedroom under -cooked roof, where I remained outside my dreams till 3.31. - -At 3.30 come tap-knock to door. - -“What is it?” I require with startle. - -“3.30!” holla Hon. Liddbeater voice out there. “Arise to go fish!” - -“Do fish get up so early?” I ask to know. - -“They bite best this hour,” he explain. - -“I should also bite!” I snarrel. - -“I do not pay you to make injurious comments,” he snudged while I -hastily coat & pant myself for day labor. - -All was there awaiting for breakfast with extreme appetite. When this -devouring was finished Stanhope and Bluebell arrive up with flirtatious -hats expected to attract fish. - -“Togo,” demand Hon. Liddbeater like Napoleon, “while we fish you shall -go along and whittle bait. Also prepare lunching for 10 and be very -impromptu about it.” - -I do so and we nextly go to shore where I must carry complete lunching -including baby and umburella. Pretty soonly we arrive to detestable -whaleboat being kept by salted gentleman resembling damaged admiral. - -“Will this boat hold 12?” require Hon. Boss Man. - -“So easily!” corrode Hon. Navy. “It were built for six.” - -Therefore all was compressed in while we chug with gas-perfumery to -central middle of ocean. - -“I have feeling of slight squash,” narrate Hon. Bluebell when we were -five miles among rolls. - -“I hold your hand for it,” report Hon. Oliver, looking pale but poetic. -He do not seem to accomplish much medicine by this. Hon. Bluebell -become yet bluer. - -All the ocean seem to tip up on one side as if it was going to spill -into California. Something inside my interior stumack seem to speak -of my dead ancestors. And look! Each stylish person of that cruise -begin concealing their happiness by laying down on it. Groans. Yet Hon. -Liddbeater continue to make happy cheek and smiling lip resembling Hon. -Edw. Foy seeming comic. - -At lastly he motion Hon. Salt Gentleman to choke his engine. - -“This are the exact patch of waves where Thos Cod came to chew their -cud,” he explaned. “Therefore, Hon. Capt. stop boat. Togo, while all -other fishermans lay dying, you shall cut baits attractive to fish.” - -“If convenient, Mr. Sir,” I bereft, “I should prefer to join the other -groans.” - -“Continue to fish-hook or I discharge you!” he dib. - -“If you would discharge me back to shore I would bless you in -Japanese,” I gargle. Yet he horribly threw me clams, unhappy mammals -which I must amputate with dull knife while spearing them with -disgustly hooks. - -Hon. Liddbeater lit pipe of very enraged smell. Groans by all. - -“Nothing like pipe-smoke while fishing!” he say for smiles. - -“I notice,” is feebly voice from me. - -Pretty soon Hon. Boss make electric movement with wet string. He bite -pipe more cruelly while halling in one enraged cod who mock him with -angry mouth. - -“A beautiful fish!” he yellup joyly. “All see it!” - -All those sicknesses report “Um” with unhappy nose. - -“Are he not beautiful fish?” he ask it to me. - -“Perhapsly when younger,” I disengage while holding my head on. - -Of suddenly Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater arise upwards from pillows like a -fried snake. - -“For sake of your children,” repeat her, “I ask you to cease making -clams and people and Japs and fish miserable for selfish joy of your -depravity. Put us somewheres where we can run away.” - -“Fishing cannot be accomplished by running away,” he deploy with -Samurai expression. “I never depart off until I have caught 14.” - -“O!!” yellup Eclaire looping beside Stanhope and looking less engaged -than usual. “Drowning would be painless after this.” - -“If you drowned I could save you,” dictate Stanhope looking very pale -Yale. - -“Any shipwreck would be welcome,” mone Oliver greenishly. - -“Will nothing stop off your mulish fishing?” require Hon. Mrs. waking -up from her death. - -“Unless the boat sinks I shall stay remaining here until I catch 14,” -he growell. - -That ocean now look entirely double to me and I could feel my courage -rolling around inside my lung. - -“If the boat sink I be much obliged!” gaggle all together like -chorus-girls in hospital. - -“I know how!” I holla with suddenness of intelligence. “By preparing to -swim you shall snub those 14 codfish!” - -Thusly exclamming, I lept uply & grabb hammer where it layed sleeping -beside lunch. With nimble ankles peculiar to heroes I jump to bung-plug -in central middle of that boat. Whacks! Uply sprung plug quite -corkishly and next came huj sprout of salt Atlantic approaching inside -like giganterous fountain. - -“Brainless species of mice!” reproach Hon. Mr. while attempting to -brush out ocean with heel. Yet already Hon. Boat resemble bath-tub -where all set in lake. Alarming wakefulness from seasickness was next -to arrive and—before I could acknowledge—each person make flop-splash -to water including me who was there amidst swimming while Hon. Boat -turn over on his nose and float up-down. - -I save Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater, lady of large tonnage but considerable -floatage. Hon. Oliver save Hon. Bluebell. Hon. Liddbeater save himself. -Hon. Eclair save Hon. Stanhope. Hon. Captain save Hon. Bottle. So -everybody were quite comfortable, thank you, hooking their nails to -stumack of that boat. But where was room for me? I continue onwards -splashing doggishly. - -“Why should it?” I holla with water-spouts. “I save you from sick-death -and yet you will not support me on your floater.” - -“Get off of!” snagger Hon. Mrs. giving me crude push with heel while I -attemp to sclutch. - -“Did I not stop fish-catch?” I bubble frogfully. - -“We can be sifficiently miserable without you!” narrate Hon. Oliver -while making water-polo across my head. - -“You are discharged!” howell Hon. Liddbeater. “Report to my office in -New York for your payment.” - -I hear this ingratitude with extreme compression of soul. How difficult -it are to be useful when not required to do so! Therefore I would snub -them with my immediate departure. - -Thinking thusly I struck offward in gen. direction of New York and when -lastly seen I feel very free, although expecting to be drowned. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - IX - - Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper, who help make civilization with soap._ - -Dear Mr.:—Another place where I am no longer at is Rahway, N. J., -working for Mrs. H. Griddle, cultured lady. - -I tell you why I am removed. - -This Mrs. Griddle to who I came determined to do Gen. Housework, have -got considerable musical ambition inside her voice. She do all her -housework at the piano. For continual hours each day she set there -making soprano, compelling her voice to do following gymnasium: - - AH - yi yi - yi yi - Hi ah!!! - -More of this is to be continued. She say vocal culture require great -endurance. She contain more of this noble quality than I can. - -Washday arrive up to Griddle home by each Monday a.m. when Hon. Maggie -Kelley approach to laundry prepared to drown all clothing in suds. -This lady, who contains 6 feet complete muscle, is a scrubber of great -talents. She say she was deprived of her husband several years of -yore, because he beat her frequently. I should like to observe that -athleetick gentleman. - -A wash lady is something I prefer not to be, above all professions. - -But last Monday it was arranged for me. - -“Togo,” dictate Mrs. H. Griddle, stopping her soprano sifficiently to -speak, “you will kindly give ade to Hon. Maggie today in clothes wash -ceremony.” - -“O thank you not to do so!” I declare with pathos. - -“Why so?” she snagger with Mary Garden expression. - -“This Hon. Maggie treat me without chivalry. How could I be assistant -scrub beside her haughty actions?” I resolve. - -“Either do so or deprive yourself of this job,” she holla, departing -off in high Key of C. - -I find Hon. Maggie lady in laundry preparing to suds. Redness appear -from her hair and arms while she look to me with cross expression -peculiar to a eagle watching an angly-worm. Then she lift wash-boiler -from stove showing energy like Sandow juggling automobiles. - -“Jap,” she reproach. - -“Yes, Sir!” I pronounce. - -“Was you sent here to look beautiful or to be helpful?” she ask out. - -“Not sure—Mrs. Boss did not instruct me which to be,” I report. - -“I will instruct you!” she growell like a lady menagerie. “Become busy -as soonly as possible. You will find a clothes-ringer annexed to yonder -tub. Attach yourself to the handle and ring the cloths earnestly until -I tell you quit.” - -She point to one slight machinery resembling a hand organ with pianola -rolls. I wind this instrument continuously. Nothing evolve. - -“O Mrs. Madam, I cannot hear the bell!” I suggest. - -“Which bell please?” she otter. - -“You tell me to ring the clothes, not so?” I ask it. - -“I despise you for your yellow mind!” she dib. “Clothes does not ring -when you ring them!” - -I could not assimilate the way she said it. She lift several drowned -clothes from the tub and show me with considerable muscle how to squash -them through those rollers. Clothes, however wet, can be sent through -that machinery and emerge forth with great dignity like flat snakes. -I turn crank handle continuously while Hon. Maggie make poke-in with -wettish clothing. I enjoy great pain in my wrist and elbows, and when -I commence to quit, this laundered female say “Faster” with bull dog -expression. - -Pretty soonly I lay down my hands and stop. Her mad eyebrows snub me. - -“Hon. Mrs. Wash,” I renig, “why should you be more cross and peeved -than other persons?” - -“Togo,” she say so, “my duties require it. Cleaning things is a job -full of tragedy and other grouch. It would be unnatural to laugh while -washing. Clothes is pleasanter to wear, but unpleasant to scrub. It -is similar with everything. Dishes is joyful to eat from, but nobody -admire them when hour of dishpan arrive. Nobody love Monday, because it -is sacred to splash and suds, yet if Monday was abolished by Congress, -there would be no beautiful society on Saturday night.” - -“Can’t some variety of soap be invented with more poetry in it?” I -require. - -“It could,” she dib, “but it would probably be useless to take the dirt -out.” - -Hon. Mag fill tub with artistic color from blue bottle. - -“While you are idle you can do something!” she holla suddenly like a -steam whistle. - -“How could I do something when idle?” this inquiry from me. - -“You see that baskett of clothes?” She point forth to one baskett full -of complete whiteness like a bushel of damp ghosts. - -“I observe what is.” - -“Take them immediately for hang-out!” she otter with gloom. - -“What should I hang them out from?” I require. - -“Maybe you are not acquainted with clothesline!” she say sarcastly -while she led me forth to back yard where she introduce me to -this useful rope. “If I knew I was to come to this place to be -washing-instructor, I should demand teacher’s salary,” she pronounce -glubly. - -“That would be nice job for deserving widows,” I say for politeness. -Yet she seem less ladylike. - -“To hang clothes,” she instruct, “you must first lift them one at -a time from the baskett, grasping them by both ears—thusly.” She -show how. “You shake him twice, snap—snap!” She demonstrate this -with considerable clothes-shake. “Then you buckle him to line with -a clothespin on each ear.” She fill her mouth with clothespins, and -then she lift one tablecloth by his ears, shake him brutally with her -pugilistic hands, and nail him to clothes-line like she said so. - -“You got sifficient strength enough to do this?” she require snapply. - -“Maybe-so, yes,” I report. - -“If not, I give you the prize!” she say, eloping to house without -telling me which prize she meant. - -I put all my intellectual mind on this clothes-hang job. It seem to be -light, agreeable job for Japanese Schoolboy—simply to lift a clothes -by his ears and glue him to rope with clothespins. But suddenly I was -reminded. That Clothes-line was 7½ feet in highness, while I stood -merely 5 feet in lowness. How should I get up there without flying -machinery? - -I observed a step-ladder sleeping quietly by kitchen window. It -was a very diseased-looking furniture with lameness in one leg and -several ribs fractured by too much exercise in open air, yet it was a -step-ladder. I removed this piece of stairway to underneath clothesline -where I put him. Then I poked six (6) clothespins in my mouth like -wooden cigars. Then I took one pillow case from baskett, shook him -rudely by his ears and ascended upwards. Hon. Ladder wubble on his sore -leg, yet I enjoy no fear, because I am a brave Japanese. With gestures -of extreme courage I pin Hon. Pillow Case to that stretched string -where he clung with beautiful purity peculiar to washing. - -I began to love this clothes-hang performance. It seemed so nice and -healthful to do housework outdoors amidst backyard scenery and gentle -summer breeze. It was very superior pleasure for me, making up and down -hops on that ladder with agility resembling birds. - -So I continued onwards near my duty. With extreme earnestness I -suspended following clothing where they hung lynched upon line: - -1 tablecloths (slightly dragged on ground, yet quite pale). - -9 towels (one of them dropped, but was nicely brushed afterwards). - -3 sox. - -4½ pillow-case. - -While standing tip-top on that ladder I was enabled to observe Nature. -It are wonderful how tall a short Japanese feels while standing on a -ladder! I could distinctly see over fence into next yard where Hon. -Swede lady employed for cook by Mrs. J. C. Camel was making flirting -conversation with Hon. Ice Man. I also observe Hon. Cat obtaining -slight refreshment of cream-pitcher from window while that Swede was -too interested. I stood in joyful trance holding wet sheet while biting -clothes-pin like wooden sigars. It make such inexpensive enjoyment for -cool summer day to stand on ladder beholding other folk’s business! - -In the midst of everything Hon. Swede Lady turn off suddenly and see -Hon. Cat. She made rude “Shoo!” with voice, and Hon. Cat were so -offended he fell from window in the midst of milk pitcher and extreme -breakage. With immediate quickness he made rabid scoot for fence with -tail enlarged like a comets. “I shall attach him for you!” I holla to -Mrs. Swedish—but soonly as I did so—O calamity!! - -I lean too forward and Hon. Ladder stub his toe and broke lame leg -with loud scrash! Bereaved of my support I make wildly grabb for -atmosphere, Hon. Clothesline was where I struck, so I clasp him with -tense affection. And there I was, hanging among clothes, swinging my -legs with motion peculiar to wet stockings. Hon. Maggie Kelley observe -me in this dangled condition. - -“Git downward!” she snuggest. - -Before I could reproach back, Hon. Rope bursted and I was anticipated -to ground so forcibly that I sat there wondering what. Entire -clothes-line seemed to surround me with damp washing like a wounded -sail. Hon. Maggie making hysteria, seize bottle of wash blue in her -prize-fight hands and approach a.m. screaming war cries. With howell of -great intensity she threw that sky-colored liquid to my head, covering -my nose and eyebrows with splashes of brilliant art. - -Next she rose to house and obtain broom. When I seen that female club, -I lost my connection with that home. I lep forwards. I fled off. I swum -over the fence with great skill and continued to elope elsewheres. -Farebye to that job! - -When nextly seen I was 2 miles Westward setting among woods attempting -to rub wash-fluid from my forehead which was blue. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - X - - Togo Coaxes Down the Cost of Living - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine who desire to make high-life - less costly._ - -Dear Mr.:—Please address all letters to Fineheimer Employment Bureau -where I am looking for it, as usual. Sorrow for me. Sometimes I think I -am like a shoot-gun, merely make to be fired. - -When last seen I was employed at home of Mrs. Ethel McManus who reside -with her husband, Mr. Ethel McManus at Honeyville-on-the-Hudson. They -are a very matrimonial couple of people. They were married only a short -time of yore. Therefore they are living in midst of wedding presents -which they are trying to use as furniture. How superflous! - -“Togo,” say this lady to me, “I hire you because we are too poor to -live without a servant.” - -“How smart idea!” I report with chivalry. - -“Yes,” she repartee. “I learn this wisdom from newspaper: ‘A good -servant will save Hon. Housekeeper $6 a week.’ Acting on this advice I -hire you for $5 a week, which make following arithmetic: $6-$5 = $1. -Therefore I have cleaned up $1 a week by transaction.” - -“If you kep 20 servants at that rate you could save sufficient to keep -ottomobiles,” I pronounce joyfully. - -“I have oftenly thought of that,” say this bridish lady. “But I think I -shall begin gradually on 1 servant and see how much I save.” - -“I permit you to retain all you make off me,” I suggest for generosity. - -“Your duties,” she utter, “is to keep high cost of living as low-down -as possible. I expect you to buy food for our home, and to purchase -it with such financial cuteness that everything will cost less than -formerly. When Hon. Beefsteak cost 28c per lb. I expect you to chide -him until he become more reasonable. Hon. Chicken must walk down from -his 37c perch if he wish to join us at our table. Potatus, string-bean, -butter and salad must also act less haughty in their prices if they -wish to associate with us on bill-of-fare. Could you manage this for -our household?” - -“Japanese are great diplomatists,” I report. “I am willing to approach -the problem with intense stinginess.” - -“The duties of a servant,” repeat Mrs. McManus with expression of -old-age peculiar to brides, “the duties of a servant is to come into -more affectionate contact with butcher, baker and icer. Thus tradesmen -might be coaxed into sharing with Housekeeper that profits which they -now selfishly keep in their business. You will arrange this.” - -“I am willing to promise anything,” I collaborate. - -“Each morning after dish-wash ceremony is over & Hon. Furnace is fed -for the day, you must promenade with basket to market where High Cost -of Living resides. It is useless for you to squander $2 here & there in -reckless provisions. I read in newspaper this morning how one delicious -and nourishing lunch for 3 persons might be bought for 50c, including -cost of gas to cook it with. I shall try it today. My Hon. Aunt Augusta -are expected here at noon. I require you to make miraculous meal for -her. Here is 50c. Take it and be economical.” - -“I could not be extravagant under those circumstances,” I renig, -compressing the ½ dollar to my pocket. - -“Be as hasty as possible,” she beseech when I depart. - -“It should take no time to make 50c go a long ways,” I encourage. -“I shall saunter among markets making storekeepers jealous by my -independent behavior. Then I shall promenade homewards and commence to -cook.” - -I do so and this is what I done. - -I spent 5c trolley fare and arrive to shop of Hon. Fritz Schultz, -prominent butchery. I discover this wealthy meat-person standing -befront of his store making sweet whistles. - -“O Hon. Mr. Sir,” I commence, “your soul feels very musical this -morning.” - -“A butcher’s soul is like his sausage,” he confab, “full of strange -and wonderful surprises. Also I must feel slightly poetical because -Spring have arrived to my store.” - -“Spring,” I snagger. - -“Ah, yes,” he say off. “Beholt the signs of Spring in my window.” - -I notice several. One say: “SPRING LAMB!—Marked Up to 42c.” Another -say, “SPRING CHICKEN—Formerly 18c. Reduced to 27c.” - -“Why should meat behave so heavenly?” I reproach. “It is continually -soaring beyond.” - -“The Trusts—they are greedy about making profits,” he say, arranging -his necktie, which was full of diamond pins. “The Trusts are to blame, -as usual. What can I sell you this morning? I shall be willing to part -from some delicious pork chops for twice that they are worth.” - -“At such a price pork should taste like venison,” I suggested. - -“Have you got any food for sale that is less ostentatious?” I acquit. - -“Corn beef,” he report. “That homely dish can be obtained for 22c per -lb.” - -“I shall take 1 lb. please,” I order. - -“Umpossible!” he disorder. “My corn beef come only in 5 lb. patterns.” - -My soul drop back, completely flabbed. - -“Ain’t you got nothing that I can buy for 15c?” I gosp. - -“How you insult me!” he gollup, wiping meat-axe with rage. So I depart -off before chop occur. - -It was now 11:30 by clock-time and I had not yet obtained that 50c -lunch. I spent 5c more trolley fare arriving at Nusbaum’s Butchery. -This leave me 40c with which to do so with. - -“What you got for 15c which is sifficient to retain 3 persons, mostly -ladies?” I ask from Hon. Nusbaum. He look to me with fatty eyebrows. - -“I can give you 3 nice mutton bones for that price of money,” he report. - -“Can food be made from mutton bones?” I ask it. - -“If properly prepared,” he renig, “they are delicious. First they -should be boiled for 4 days in extract of beef, then stuffed with -chicken giblets, olives, muskrooms, raisons, and 12 fresh eggs chopped -finely. The cost of this dish are as follows: - - Bones 15c - Chicken giblets 1.50 - Muskrooms .75 - Eggs .65 - Raisons .20 - ———— - Total Extravagance $3.25” - -“You call this cheap dish?” I holla nervely. - -“You would be surprised to see how cheap it tastes!” he suggest while I -walk away from that conversation. - -I stand with my 40c remainder on sidewalk and wonder what next. Ah! -Vegetable lunch is most delicate for invalids and full of economy. -Therefore I shall go to place of Hon. Cyrus Goldthwaite, groceries and -vegetables. I arrive there by trolley, which cost 10c because I lost my -transfer. This subtract me down to 3c. - -“What wish?” require Cyrus Goldthwaite, with spectacles. - -“How much would 3 potatus cost?” I negotiate. I was sure those -vegetable would be nourishing, because Irish eats them and remains -quite warlike. - -“They come in all sizes,” suggest Hon. Goldthwaite. - -“Give them to me about ladies’ size,” I suggest, because I knew they -was for a ladies’ lunch. - -Hon. Goldthwaite hand forth 3 gentle-looking potatus. - -“23c” he require. - -“O, Hon. Groceries!” I abject. “Ladies cannot live on potatus alone. -I got 30c with which to obtain lunch for 3. From this I must extract -5c for trolley home-trip. What bill-of-fare can I purchase for 25c -remainder?” - -“Sardines,” he say, “are nourishing but they tastes lonesome without -crackers. These rare fishes costs 20c per box and sifficient crackers -to chaperone them would cost 7c. This would leave bonus of 3c for salt. -Or if you would think it more delicate you might obtain ½ lb. cheese -at 18c and 1 potatus at 7c.” - -“I am completely puzzled by this arithmetic,” he said. - -“Maybe I should telephone to Mrs. McManus and find what is,” I say so. -So I do so. - -“Hullo!” - -“Yes.” - -“This is Togo.” - -“O!” Chillbite voice. - -“I wish to ask, please, what you would prefer as nourishment? Would 2 -potatus and one box crackers seem more sifficient than ½ lb. cheese -and 1 potatus?” - -“For which meal, please?” she snib. - -“For lunch, please,” I expose. - -“Togo!” holla blond voice from telephone, “as it is now 1:45 in P. M. -and my guest has already went elsewheres in search for food, I can see -no sensible ratio in your horseless remarks. How dare you show your -face a.m. telephone under such conditions?” - -“Be more calm to me,” I besearch. “You sent me forth with 50c to save -money from food. I done so. If your guest went away without lunch, she -saved you that much. Which were very economical. When you substract 25c -from my traveling expenses you will still have 25c for profits on the -day. Thusly I save you from your luxuries.” - -“You are talking a vacuum,” she strongle. “There is _one_ luxury you -shall save me from in future.” - -“Which luxury is that, please?” I deploy. - -“You!” she snagger abruptly. Bang-up for telephone. - -Hon. Goldthwaite charge me 10c for that telephone. Which show that high -price of talking is also increasing rapidly upward. - -With my remaining wealth I advance hopefully forward towards Fineheimer -Employment Bureau which I am always welcomed. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XI - - Togo Becomes a Fire Hero - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who saves more homes than - insurance._ - -Hon. Dear Sir:—Another place where I am habitually absent can be found -at home of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Susan J. Fogg, Turnverein, Conn. I was burnt -away from that place because of my heroism. I tell you how was: - -This Mrs. Fogg lady reside with her husband and furniture in a -residence, which are covered with extremely wooden decorations, which -talented sculptors have cut out with saws. She say it is one Queen -Annie house. Perhaps so it is. Maybe this Annie were empress of Coney -Island to build such merry architecture. - -Hon. Mrs. Boss are considerable proud of her house & what is inside. -She got an elaborate number of plush picture-frames containing photos -of Homer. Also she got cute jugs and pitchers walking over shelves & -tables resembling decorated bugs doing so. Her dining room are full of -cut-up glasswear to resemble swollen diamonds. Over mantel-peace are -portrait-face of Uncle Seth, famous hero, who was scared to death in -Battle of Bully Run. - -“Home,” she say so to me on date she hired me for employment, “Home -should be full of objects to resemble soul of sweet lady what keep it.” - -“What a romping soul you must have!” I exclam for chivalry, while -rubbing eyes to observe purply curtains and reddy carpets. - -“My house is nearly all furnished with wedding presents, birthday -tributes and auction bargains of happy days,” she tell proudishly. “I -value them for dear associations.” - -“Dear associations seldom match in color,” I narrate. She did not -assimilate those words I said it. - -“For instancely,” she go onwards, “there is painted fire-shovel with -snow-scenery from Grandpa’s farm. I would not take considerable for -that shovel.” - -“How much has you been offered?” I ask to know. - -But she was thinking elsewheres. - -“Togo,” she otter with serious eyebrows, “there is not one drop of fire -insurance on this house!” - -My heart stand on end for this informations. “Then it would not pay to -burn it!” I gosp. - -“Daily and nightly,” she agnosticate, “I worry with brain for fear some -spark or blazes might walk into my home and burn all my sweet art and -dear menorandum to zero of ashes!” - -“I shall smother all arson with great cruelty,” are fire-chief promise -I make. - -So Hon. Mrs. Fogg donate to me one smallish volume of book entitled -“First Ade to Fires.” This literature, which is bound in 4th of July -color, tell me following information about fire when he gets loose: - - “Chimbleys are most dangerous articles to have around a house because - they gets clogged with soot, thusly causing inflammation of the roof - which creates blazes and burns insurance. Total loss. Best way to put - out a mad chimbley is to sprinkle salt down him until he quits. - - “In case of houseafire, human folks must be saved before all other - furniture, because they are most combustable. This can be did by - throwing wet blanket over them and dragging them forth. Valuable - heirlooms can be saved from burning house by taking them out.” - -I read this instructions, Mr. Editor, and feel prepared for anything. - -This Mrs. Fogg got one Irish cooklady name of Hilda Katz. Hon. Hilda -are beautiful, except her face and figure, which are not. She enjoy -very sorry romance, because of Hon. Wm., a hack-driver, who drove away -with another fiancée and remain there. Consequent of this, Hon. Hilda -weep & cook nearly all time. - -“Togo,” she report to me, while making tears and pies, “never promise -to marry any gentleman in the livery-stable business.” - -“I shall avoid this peril firmly,” I narrate. - -“67 doz assorted love-letters this Wm. sent me. And what usefulness are -they now?” Weeps by her. - -“They might make a sad novel, if printed among pictures,” I say so. - -She peel onions with Romeo expression. - -But I were too busy being a fire-detective to think of Wm. and his -escape from love. Nearly each hour by clock-time Hon. Mrs. would come -to me and talk underwriter language: - -“You hear that smell of smoke?” she require. - -“It smell like New Haven Railroad burning dividends six miles away,” I -say with syrup voice. - -One day, my Cousin Nogi give me sweethearted gift of one valuable -cigar, price 5c. cash-money. I nourish this dear tobacco very carefully -in pocket and await till late night-hour when I could smoke him in my -room & think of my ancestors. So I lock door, open window and do so. In -midst of puffs I hear something. - -Knock-knock! This noise by Hon. Door. I unlock lock and gaze outside to -where Hon. Mrs. Fogg was there with kimono & pale eyebrows. - -“Some odor is burning in this house!” she gollup. - -“What perfume of smell do it resemble?” I ask it. - -“It resemble a fire among dry goods,” she gubble. - -“Be calmly quiet,” I negotiate. “The smell you heard was merely only -slight gift-cigar I smoke in honor of my Cousin Nogi.” - -“I would avoid such a cousin,” she snib with nose. “Blow out gas and go -to bed at oncely!” - -I could hear her peevishness by her feet as they walked. - -It were nice, balmish evening of summer weather when Mrs. and Mr. -Chas Hassock, neighborly persons of quiet fashion, was there to play -bridge-gamble amidst society clothing. Hon. Mr. Fogg, medium gentleman -with tame whiskers, were also there acting like a husbandman. - -Bridge-card resume for several hours while those 4 persons sat there -calling each other “Trumps” and other American insults. - -O suddenly!! what was that my nose smelled? Inflammatory smell of fire!! - -With iced brain I recall what “First Ade to Fires” said about mad -chimbleys, so I rosh silently to outside house to see how ours were -behaving. O surely yes! Hon. Chimbley were shooting sparkles & -pin-wheels from his enraged bricks! - -What I do then? With immediate quickness, I rosh to dining-room and -grab 2 salt-sellers in my courageous thumbs. Making my toes extremely -swift, I clomb ladder to roof & scramble along shingles with care -peculiar to Thos. Cats. Then, by heroic movements of wrists, I pepper -considerable salt straight into the face of that mad Chimbley. Yet he -still continue on making Vesuvius out of himself. - -What nextly must I do? I think of that fire-volume which say, “_Human -folks must be saved before all other furniture_.” - -So I scomper to bed-room, dragg forth one complete blanket & soush him -in wet water of bath-tub. With these blanket held in my firm knuckles, -I ascended downstairs to parlor where Hon. Mrs. Fogg set in her marcel -hair and considerable expensive face-powder calling Mrs. Hassock a -“Renig” in bridge-language. - -With wetness of blanket, I stand behind Hon. Mrs. Fogg. - -“What for?” she holla when she seen me. But before anything else could -collapse, I wound wettish blanket round her head. - -“Gog!” she report with strangely voice. Yet, before she could narrate -more, I had drogged her forthly to fresh air. - -“What is the meaning of this meanness?” require Hon. Fogg. - -“Meaning of Fire!” I yellup. “Why do you stand there making speechless -talks, when your home is sparking?” - -At this oratory of words, everybody begin making hook-and-ladder -movements. Hon. Fogg grabb bird-cage and pair of tongs. Hon. Mrs. -save 3 plush albums. Hon. Hassock attemp to remove sideboard, but it -were nailed to floor. Hon. Mrs. Hassock rosh down street breaking -fire-alarms out of telephone poles. - -But I were more Sandow in my strength. With Samurai knuckles, I grasp -cabinet full of cut-up glasswear and roll him down front steps to lawn. -Loud crashes! Thusly was valuable dishes saved from fire. - -With deer-foot heels, I eloped upstairs to bedroom and begin pouring -entire household out of window. Mattrass, pitchers, rugs, etc., fell -like Niagara falling. When I threw forth family water-color landscape -representing the face of Aunt Nerissa Hodges, it make boomerang fly-off -and struck on head of Hon. Fogg which went through. Too bad. - -I were just in the heroism of poking brass bedstead through pane of -glass, when Mrs. and Mr. Fogg escorted by Mrs. and Mr. Hassock and Hon. -Hilda Katz, cook-lady, suddenly encroach into room and seeze me. - -“Platoon of brainless mind!” they all hiss like circular snakes. “Who -inform you this house were blaze?” - -“Did I not see Hon. Chimbley spitting rockets?” This from me. - -“Sakes of shucks!” commute Hon. Hilda contemptibly. “That were not -house-afire. That were merely me burning negligent love-letters in -kitchen stove.” - -Grones by all. - -“So my house are not afire!” report Hon. Mrs. for disappoint. - -“So sorry!” I regret. In distant midnight I could hear rural -hose-carriage approaching with gongs. “Maybe there was no fire, but -this were very useful practice. Also I was enabled to show you the iced -quality of my intelligence. If there had been some fire, I should put -it out!” - -“You have put nearly everything else out,” sorrowfully Hon. Mrs., -looking outside to moonlight where the entire interior of her home lay -scrambled on the lawn. - -Hon. Fogg gargle with his teeth. - -“Since you are so talented at putting things out,” he suggest, “perhaps -you can place yourself elsewheres with immediate rapidness.” - -I oblige. When nextly observed, I were setting in R. R. Station -awaiting for morning train and feeling quite roasted. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XII - - Togo Makes Discoveries - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, whose mind thinks recipes._ - -Dear Mr. Editor:—When Hon. Chris Columbus dishcovered America, he do so -at his own risk. It are muchly the same with Gen. Housework—all persons -must be entirely careful about what they find out, because they can’t -always do something with it. I know because I try. - -My last former address was home of Hon. Mrs. J. B. Cluck, Canton, O. I -am now employed there as an absentee. Mr. Editor, you and your magazine -are blame for the miserable anecdote what happen to me there. I tell -you, Mr. Editor Good Housekeeper, how was: - -This Hon. Cluck lady suddenly approach up to me last Tues. a.m. & say -with voice, - -“Togo,” she say so, “I am delightful reader of Good Housekeeper -Magazine.” - -“You are one in several 1,000,000,” I snatch back, with expression of -rapid circulation. - -“In this wonderfully home-made periodical,” she divulge, “I are -frequently suprised to read one department name of ‘Dishcoveries,’ -what tell considerable knowledge to ladies what require to make -housework unexpected. This month ‘Dishcoveries’ give bright recipes on -following subjects: - -“‘How to make pincushions from potatoes. - -“‘How to keep moths out of moth-bags. - -“‘How to make babies cry by music.’” - -I assimulate her words with eyebrows. - -“It seem insulting to sell so much wisdom for 15c,” I contuse. - -“Recipes like this,” decry Hon. Mrs., “are good ways to know. Every -servant girl, whether male or female, should read those ‘Dishcoveries’ -& attempt to do so also. New things can be thought of only by thinking -of something new. Therefore, remember I expect you to make some useful -‘Dish-covery’ each week you are in this home.” - -With such language, she suddenly eloped away, leaving my hands in -thoughtful dishwater. - -Mr. Editor, it are easier to be Shakespeare than Edison. Hon. Shak. -merely composed poetry, but Hon. Ed. has to compose inventions what -actually go when expected to. - -When Hon. Mrs. Cluck require me to think up some Dishcovery, I were -completely flabbed to find what was. Nearly everything seemed to be -already thought of to make home easier—hot water, ice man, gas, etc. -Brooms was there to sweep with, foods to cook with, each thing for to -do so. When I look around that home, all full of everything, I feel -like North Pole after Hon. Doc Cook was there—nothing else left to -dishcover. - -That week my brain grew sidewise from too much originality. Yet no -useful thought come up. - -With frequent occasionality, Hon. Mrs. Cluck approach and dement, - -“You find that Dishcovery yet, Togo?” - -“Great explorers requires overtime to do so,” I relate. - -No intellectual reply from her. - -Wedsday pass, Thursday pass while Fryday & Satday proceed in similar -manner. At last it was Sunday. - -This Sunday are devoted to stay-home amusement by Hon. Cluck, who are -a bald-haired gentleman of medium oldness. He spend this vacation by -setting in slippers and enjoying quarrels he is too busy to attend -to other days. When these is finished, he reads comical supplements -until fatigued by humor, when he spreads Hon. Happy Hooligan page over -his bald hair and commences to snore. This program are enjoyed to any -extent while Hon. Mrs. telephone her Mother to explain how sad her -marriage was. - -“Jas!” holla Hon. Mrs. to Hon. Mr., last Sunday while he was leaping -from one nap to another, “Why should you save your snores for your -Wife?” - -“You comfort me so I cannot keep wakeful,” he smooth back. - -“Do you snore while being comforted by a—stenographer?” she gollup so -quickly. - -He said nothing very well. - -“Oh!!” This from her. “If I could dishcover some way for to keep you -from going to sleep every time you sat in that chair, I should be -submerged by much gratitude.” - -I was standing in next room near keyhole trying not to listen when I -axidentally hear her make this dialogue. - -Zizz!! Intellectual flash arrive to brain: I should make one Dishcovery -what would give Hon. Cluck happy-home wakefulness when setting in that -chair. Banzai! I stogger backwards with Edison feeling of thumbs. - -Next a.m. while Hon. Mrs. were absentee at Dept Store squandering money -on hair-pins, I approach Hon. Chair where husband love to dream. With -artistic hammer & nails, I attach Hon. Chair to rope in next room which -were pulled by neat derangement of pulleys. He were a Mawruss Chair, -full of pads and very fat, and I was proud to see the expression of -calm comfort what he wear while setting there awaiting happy home-come -of Hon. Mr. Cluck. - -When Hon. Mrs. Cluck arrive back for dinner that evening, food were -absent, for reason because I had been too busy with importance to think -up such triful. - -“Why you no cook for eat it?” she require with hawk voice. - -“I have cooked something more grand than merely stomach food,” I -snuggest. “While you was absentee, I have been preparing something -elegant for the brain to chew: I have made a Dishcovery!” - -“O narrate it to me!” she collapse for vasty excitements. - -“Not to do!” I holla. “Such thoughts must be delivered by express to -editor of Good Housekeeper Magazine.” - -She glub slightly, but I was firm. - -“If you have time to spare from your scientific study, please prepare -what hash there is in the house for food which is 2½ hours late.” -She say it. - -At 6:47 hour, Hon. Cluck return back in usual mood of joyless -anticipation. He say several nouns expressing lateness of Japanese -cookery, then he remove off coat, collar, neckbow & shoe-ware, -expecting to put on house slippers and smoke-jacket and manufacture -comfort. - -“If Togo shall be till breakfast preparing dinner, I shall go to my -Mawruss Chair and enjoy slight kitten nap,” Hon. Mister glump. - -“If you had more regular profiles, you would be a sleeping beauty,” -contuse Hon. Mrs. - -“If this home was run right, it would not be run down!” combust him. - -“If you was not a fungus, you might be a genius,” detone her. - -I were deliciously relieved to hear them talk that way, because I knew -they would get so interested in unpleasantness that Hon. Cluck would -forget to go sleep in Mawruss Chair until after dinner was ate. And -then I would have time to show my Dishcovery. - -And so it was. While I prepare what hash I could find, Hon. Cluck spent -time pacing backwards and reverse with expression peculiar to Admirals -on July 4th. At lastly dinner set himself on table while Hon. Cluck -devoured big dinner amidst usual steam-roller grumbel about my unhappy -cooking. - -“Can’t you recall some sweet language to make marriage pleasant?” renag -Mrs. Cluck. - -“Marriage are only pleasant when he are asleep,” he peruse, looking -expectfully to Mawruss Chair. - -When it come to pie time, I could already observe dormatory expression -of lodging-house crowling over fatty face of Hon. Boss. Yawns by him. -Stretches. At lastly, he arose upwards, lit cigar, rubbed his tired -business eyes & started for library. - -“I think one slight, little nap in Mawruss Chair will prepare me,” he -say so to Wife. - -“Prepare you for what?” she dib back at Hon. Husband. - -“For go to bed,” he resnort. He make sluggardly walk toward Mawruss -Chair. - -Now I knew it were time for activity, if my Dishcovery would be useful. -So I ran with silent speed of cats towards other room where end of -rope was. Through library door, I could see Hon. Chair setting there -with dimpled pads. I grabb rope detatched to pulleys what led to Hon. -Chair. Next thing I could see Hon. Cluck back up towards Chair, stretch -lovingly, and crouch his knees as if intending to set down. But he -wasn’t. - -YANKS!!! With hero strength, I pull rope which cause Hon. Chair to -sidle backwards on castor. Consequence of this was large. Hon. Cluck, -suddenly dejected from his set down, fell on his collar button, -arriving to carpet so hippo-ponderously that entire home were jarred -loose. - -“O darling Mr. Husband, are you gone?” require Mrs. Wife, lopping over -him with heroine expression peculiar to Julia Marlowe. - -“Can’t you tell I am here by the noise?” he gubble. “What spirituous -medium has came here to pull away my chair with unseen hands?” - -“I do it!” I explode with great quickness suddenly emerging forth from -curtains like primadonna making first entrance when band play with -great exuberance. - -“_Why_ you done it?” Both Hon. Mister and Hon. Mrs. spoke together like -mad chorus girls. - -“It was fault of you & Good Housekeeper Magazine!” I snuggest to her. -“Did you not tell me every servant girl should make Dishcovery of -something needed in the home?” - -“Perhapsly I did,” Hon. Mrs. rosp back with question-mark. - -“Did you not tell Hon. Husband something must be did to keep him from -sleeping in Mawruss Chair after big dinner every day?” - -“I said thusly.” - -“Well!” This from me. “I have cooked up an Invention what will keep -Hon. Sir from all snores. Reward me, please!” - -For immediate payment, Hon. Cluck arouse up with voice peculiar to -zoology. He annexed me by the seat of my collar & left me outside where -I stood long time. - -Mr. Editor, if you wish this Dishcovery for your page it will be yours -for the cheapness of dirt. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XIII - - Togo’s Thanksgiving - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who keep cheerful in spite of - Holidays._ - -Dear Sir:—While annual yearly date of Thangsgive approach up, I enjoy -pain in connection with my memory. Americans act so peculiar when -thankful that I am not insured what to do. For instancely, I tell you -what collapsed to me last Thanksgive Thursday: - -I were employed for Gen. Cookery at domestic kitchen of Mrs. & Mr. -Romeo Goober, East O’Rora, Ill. - -“Togo,” say Hon. Mrs., approaching up to me, “tomorrow shall be -Thanksgive Day.” - -“What are origin of this joy?” I ask to know. - -“Pilgrim 4 Fathers first invented it,” she report. “In historical time -of 1492, Hon. Miles Standish were setting on Plymouth Rock. ‘We have no -foods,’ decry Hon. Miles. ‘I have no appetite,’ snuggest Hon. Jno. W. -Alden, assistant Pilgrim. ‘We should be thankful for that!’ negotiate -Hon. Miles, so Thankful Thursday were manufactured from that date.” - -“How you shall celebrate this patriotic festival?” I require. - -“By eating it,” decrop Hon. Mrs. “The more we eat, the more patriotic -we become. On that Thursday date America are thankful about all sorts -of calamities, while families group themselves around turkey to express -gratitude and cramberry sauce.” - -“My heart stands upright to think of such cheerfulness!” I resort. “I -shall rejoice tomorrow for to observe one American dinner where Kick & -Peev are not invited.” - -“Tomorrow we expects to celebrate as usual,” she report for sweetly -smiling. There will be 8 to dinner, to include my fattish Uncle Seth -who equal 3 more. All my relatives is most sneerful particular about -foods. So now will you please elope immediately to market for buy one -turkey-chicken of 26 lbs. complete tenderness, 4 qrts. cramberries of -delicious sourness, 6 bunches celery-weed, and sufficient punkens to -construct 2½ pies?” - -I go. At Gouge Bros. Market where was I observe sign, “FAT TURKEY 35c.” -To see this, I feel very humorous about that High Cost of Life. - -“Such delicious cheapness of bird!” I negotiate to Hon. Butcher who was -there. “At such rates, how much would 2 turkies cost?” - -“$22.80,” he report for immediate arithmatic. - -“Do you not promise fat turkey for 35c?” I rake off. - - [Illustration: _“Have he not been constantly on ice for 2 yrs? Nothing - could be fresher than that,” depose Hon. Butcher._] - -“35c per lb.,” he snagger financially. - -“I should like one (1) lb., please!” This from me. - -“We do not sell broken sections. You must purchase complete bird, price -$9.80.” This from him. - -“At such rates, folks can get rich by starving,” I snagger. - -No response from him. He go to ice-box and fetch forth one enlarged -fowel without any clothing on. - -“This are nice fresh turkey,” he satisfy. - -“How you know he fresh?” I snuggest. - -“Have he not been constantly on ice for 2 yrs.? Nothing could be more -fresher than that,” depose Hon. Butch. I buy. - -He sell me expensive celery-bouquet, price 75c per cluster. It seem -disrespectful to eat such valuation. Also precious cramberries, price -$1 for seldom quantities, added to $2.50 worth punkens for pie. I -promenade homewards, carrying this valuable butchery and hoping no -burglar would see me. - -While I was thusly straggling along with burdened back, one assorted -dog, name of Hon. Fido, snux up behind of turkey and made smiling -sniff-nose. - -“Shoo!” I report. Hon. Fido stood waggishly saying nothing, but looking -at Hon. Turkey with flirting eye. I was joyful to observe this, because -Hon. Shakespeare say, “Them what dogs loves must have many tender -qualities.” - -Date of Thankful Thursday arrive up. By early a.m. of dawntime I arose -up and commenced. All a.m. that assorted dog, Hon. Fido, set outside -screen door. I permit him. I arrange Hon. Turkey to polite position and -stuff his surprised interior with decorated crumbs. I satisfy him with -salt & pepper. - -About time of afternoon p.m., I could hear several thanksgivers -scraping their footprints on rug. Their feet sounded quite hungry, -yet I could not hear any words spoken more cheerful than Sunday. Hon. -Turkey now send forth smiling smell of bakery, and I was glad to assist -his importance. - -Pretty soonly all take set-down to table. - -“We got much to be thanksgiving for,” report Hon. Goober with sharp -knife. “Dinner is late as usual.” - -“Too bad weather are so full of dishagreeable qualities!” grubble Aunt -Hannah with golden teeth. - -“It were not thusly when I was a boy,” report Uncle Seth with grone. -“Please pass the celery.” - -He make smack-taste of this foods, then flop it back with snubbed -expression. - -“I have tasted no respectable celery since 1841!” he holla baffably. - -All enjoy depression by this report. - -Next course was oysters, served with considerable rawness. Cousin -Fred’rck make jab to these shelled fish. - -“Don’t!” holla Aunt Eliz, making horror with her nose. - -“Why should not?” require Cousin Fred’rck while he swallow up. - -“You are so young and yet dead already!” ollicute Aunt Eliz. “Toe-main -poison are sure to resume from this.” - -“Food contained less poison when I was a childhood,” negotiate Uncle -Seth. - -“Bygone days has went!” extract Aunt Eliz with si & grone. - -I go to kitchen for bring in delicious mulligantawny soup what I -bought. While I were pouring this hot beveridge in plates, I notice -slight smell of burn. It was Hon. Turkey in oven, becoming too -feverish. So I took him out and put him by window where he be more -comfortable. - -I fetch soup in plates to all those thanksgivers. - -“Canned!” they yellup together with voice of sad chorus girls, while -thrusting away plates. - -“Nothing is real any more!” narrate Uncle Seth with dyspepsia. “Even -turkies is deceptive. When boyhood days elapsed, I can remember how -we was accustomed, on Thanksgive morning, to salute Hon. Turkey by -chopping him in kneck with ax. We knew he was good to eat, because -we seen how fresh he acted. But no more. Today, turkies lives like -Eskimos—spending their old age on ice before meeting civilized persons. -No respectable bird-dog would eat them.” - -I enjoy considerable alarm for this thanksgiving speech. Then, -courageous like a Samurai, I retreat to kitchen for fetch forth Hon. -Turkey. Hope thrilled my wrists and elbows as I entered kitchen for -escort that sublime turkey—but O!!! I stand gast. I look to window -where I left that sacred bird. Such things could not! And it was. Empty -pan stood there, seeming entirely vacuum. Hon. Turkey had flewed away!! - -I rosh by window and look earnestly to back yard. Yes!! With thankful -expression of tail, there stood Hon. Fido abducting Hon. Turkey across -alley by wing. - -“Come backwards!” I yellup. Hon. Fido show no impression from my talk. -I lep through window 7½ feet to outside. Quickly reassuring my legs, -I retreat after that slyly doggish annimle, but he scromble up fence -with hooked claws resembling cats. Too late for me! Turkey had escaped -from my Bulgarian catch-up. - -Mr. Editor, heroes is most brave when reporting failures. I do -this considerably. So I drag together my soul and encroach toward -dining-room, where I could hear those 8 thanksgivers complaining about -everything. I walk in there carrying empty pan. Uncle Seth were just -saying, - -“Turkey are not what he used to be in 1868!” - -“It are painful to look one in face!” report Aunt Eliz, while all agree. - -“Banzai!” I holla, poking forth vacant dish. “Your digestion shall -avoid this agony.” - -“What is?” all exclam while leapting to their feetware. - -“You should all be very thanksgiving,” I snuggest. “You have been -rescued from considerable preserved poison by one patriotic dog what -sacrifice himself by eloping with Hon. Turkey before he could be ate.” - -“Kill the dishonest mammal!” all gollup with thankless expression. - -“Why you should want I kill dog for stealing turkey you do not -require?” I ask with Teddy Roosevelt voice. “He should be gave medal of -Pilgrim 4 Fathers for eating a bird you would not dare to bite.” - -“Then you mean we shall have no turkey?” snagger all. - -“You shall be spared that calamity,” I say off. - -“How lonesome Thanksgive dinner seem without him!” mone Uncle Seth. - -“How can we fill his vacant platter?” sobb Hon. Mrs. “I should be -thankful for Hon. Turkey, however tough!” - -Just while she say this—crashy!! Loud sound of approaching dog heard -from kitchen window, and Hon. Fido with waggish tail trott into -dining-room, carrying that enormalous bird in his careful teeth. He lay -that absent fowel reverently a.m. feets. - -“Hon. Fido do not care for this enlarged chicken, so he bring him -back,” I report. - -“Dinner are now spoilt!” decry Hon. Mrs. - -“How could you speak it?” I research. “When turkey go, you say, -‘Dinner ruined!’ When he come back, you say, ‘Dinner spoilt!’ I am -impossible to understand about American customs. - -“You have Thanksgive dinner so you can set around making bewails. So -foolish to do! Why you no choose this date for to kick out Misfortune?” - -“I shall do so!” abrupt Hon. Goober, arising upwards. “First Misfortune -to kick will be in your direction.” - -Next he rejected me through window by force of Swedish jiu-jitsu. Hon. -Fido arrive by next kick, and Hon. Turkey flew afterward, striking me -on hair so earnestly he left me quite brainless. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XIV - - Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine who must realize the extreme - difficulty of keeping home dull,_ - -Dear Sir:—I have leaped so continuously from jobs to jobs since you -last heard from me that I am becoming a very talented bounder. The -nearly last place to which I was attached rejected me away because of -my extreme industry in sweeping carpets while company was there to -sneeze. Boss Lady at that place was kind but brutal, so she give me -following letter of recomment to quit with: - -TO WHO THIS MAY SUPPLY:— - -This introduces our Mr. Togo (retired). If you want to see what a -housemaid he is, try him. He is capable of anything. Please treat him -like I did. - - MARY L. MONTFUSSER. - -Next place where I took this note were home of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Wm. -Vanderbitt Jones, residing in very swollen location located near Aspic -Falls, N. J. That neighborhood was so formula that it make me feel -quite English while approaching up to it. I was included into rear -entrance amid buttlers, where Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones, crystalized -lady of expensive beauty, arrive there and require, “You unstand how -serve tea?” - -“Tea are favorite drunk of Japan,” I exaggerate pridefully. “It are -served there with ceremony——” - -“It are served here with tango,” she snib stylishly. “Did you ever -learn how?” - -“Never yet,” I nudge, “yet I can quickly learn to include that amid -cream & sugar.” - -“How irritated!” she snib while making her fingers touch her -fashionable hairs. “Howeverly, since it is too late already, you must -remain staying.” - -A English buttler without any H in his words took me to long room and -show me how pile up furniture and remove off all explosive glassware -from table. - -“Why you make so much removal?” I ask to know. - -“When tea-drink begin they commence dance,” he acknowledge. - -“Tea never make persons dance in Japan,” I snagger. - -“It are only commencing to have that effect in America,” he explain. -“But in 1914 it are fashionable to have it go to feet when swallowed.” - -I were chewing this education with my brain when confused varieties of -Smart Setters arrive up with enlarged limousine hacks and make ha-ha -handshake including Vernon Castle expression. - -I notice great absence of that stiff-souled dignity peculiar to -Japanese Ambassadors when thirsty for Oolong. Everybody acted like a -divorce and some ladies appeared considerable Geisha. - -Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones stand by rugs, with flirting expression and -say, “Howdy, Freddy,” whenever Newport clothing arrive up. Musical -orchestra from behind palm-bushes commence play “O You Gabble Gabble -Glide” and nobody could prevent misbehavior of feet. Considerable -gentlemen then obtain seizure of considerable ladies and commence -circulating with stride away expression of knees. - -“If this is tea where is it?” I require from my soul. No answer as yet. - -My eyes equaled Sherlock’s in search of that beveridge which should -be there. I could not detect. No appearance of steepage, cup-saucer, -sammyvar, or other tools for making that hot sip. Yet somewheres -I could hear dice-box sound peculiar to small icebergs clattering -together. O yes! I saw. Coyly concealing behind palm-bushes I observe -considerable buttler shaking up tea in silver jigglers to include ice. - -Pretty soonly lady & gentleman arrive up full of fatigues from so much -slouchy-slouchy dance-step. - -“We will take slight tea,” they dement from Hon. Buttler. - -“What variety, please?” he require servantly. - -“Martini,” snuggest those couple. Hon. Buttler pour. More pairs of -persons emerge up. More shakes with ice. More gobbles. More dances. - -Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones, formerly very clam-eye and Buckingham -in her appearance of silk clothing, abruptly seize one smallish -dance-gentleman and become more Geisha than all others collapsed -together. - -“It are tango who put the tease into tea,” renounce one gentleman-boy -twirkling by with lady-girl. - -“You are very Bernard Shaw today, Edgerley,” she report back with -eyes. “Of formerly it used to be deliciously difficult to compel men & -husbands to come to tea. Now you cannot keep them away with weapons. -Why is that swift change?” - -“When the tea goes out the tango’s in,” he define, attempting to wear -wit under his moustache. - -It was very hard science to describe this tango-waltz when I saw it, -Mr. Editor. It are similar to a minuet danced by eels. Angry elbows -seem to be slipping around everywheres while each ladies and gentlemen -seem to be walking sidewise without intending to go there. Such -chuckly movements of ducking away from music amid bounces! Such clutch -and jolt containing great poetry! I could not unstand how persons -could do this American jiu-jitsu without injurious breakage of their -personality. And yet no ambulance was called. - -While I stood thusly composing thoughts, Hon. Buttler walk to me with -side-face moustache similar to Hon. Chauncey Depew when not joking. - -“While you are doing nothing you should not stand idly around,” he dib. - -“You wish me dance also?” I snuggest. - -“I wish you to go to royal reception door downside and permit entrance -to all calling guests.” This he say with voice so expensive I feel -entirely bankrup. - -So I go downside to reception door where I set long-time for lonesome -company by the knob. Occasionately that music play so flirtatious that -my feet misbehave. Pretty soonly came ring-ring to door. I admit. -In come lengthwise gentleman with Woodrow Wilson expression and -black-front necktie peculiar to clergy. - -“What name, if any?” I ask to know. I made my voice show insults -peculiar to fashion. - -“I am Rev. Mr. Scornaway, of St. Lucre parish,” he deliver. “I have -came to tea as usual on Wedsday.” - -“This is no place for a clergy,” I dictate warnfully. “You can save -your reputation by taking it away with you.” - -“What do you mean by your meaning?” he snagger. “Do not Mrs. Vanderbitt -Jones’s cards say Tea on Wedsday?” - -“This are not the kind of Wedsday you think it is,” I abrupt. - -“Poor benightied heathen!” he narrate. “Have I not been arriving here -for tea for the last twenty (20) years since date when Hon. Cyrus J. -Jones was President of National Distrust Co.? Have I not been here to -talk church-work with elderly ladies while setting down amidst famus -statesmen and talk on topics? Have I not met most greatest dignity in -America within this house?” - -“You will not meet them now,” I clabber, “or if so they will be doing -something else.” - -“Pleasantly permit me to pass inside,” he snarrel clergetically. - -“O not to do!” I holla with Samurai knockles preventing his -forthstepping. “If I relate what horror that tea is now doing you will -not dare to go inside with your profession.” - -“Tell me the entire!” he commit bravely. - -“They are making tango!” I whasper with ears full of frights. - -Hon. Rev. Mr. express great sternness in his jaws like a reformer -fighting Indians. - -“Let me get at them!” he growell. - -“O joyful!” I acknowledge. “Then you are determined to stop it?” - -“No!!” he gargle. “I am determined to dance it!!!” - -I collapse backwards to setty chair and permit him to advance to middle -of music. For 13 1-8 minutes I remained stationary attempting to fan -away my faint. Then considerable bashido filled my forehead and I leapt -to my footwear. Upstairs to dance-hall parlor I go. There, surrounded -by sidesteps, hand-clasps, whirligig promenades, eye-gaze, romp, Vienna -tunes and acrobats I observed Hon. Rev. Mr. circulating in clutch with -Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones. Determinely I advance to middle of and stand -befront them. - -“Hon. Mrs. Madam, if conveniently—” I commence to be interrupted. - -“What is?” she require, continuing to circulate. - -I am obliged to make delicious dance-motions so I can keep up, yet I -pursue near her. - -“If convenient I quit,” is reprove for me. I must now double three -loops and whirl my arms bias to remain next. - -“Why you don’t quit without application to me?” she ask it while -2-stepping. - -“I wish tell you my feelings before departure,” I reject while gliding -my feet onwards and twining my chest in stroggle to follow her closely. -“I shall not be a servant in such a fidgetty home. I shock! What is -becaming of America? Instead of sipping tea, as formerly, they dance -it. Instead of enjoying sociability with brain they do it with feet. -They act midnight at five o’clock. Preachers come to preach and stay -to prance. Therefore, I remove myself to some other jobs.” - -“Jeems!” Hon. Mrs. holla to Hon. Buttler, yet still continue fantango -whirling, “here are Japanese schoolboy who should be discharged to -music. Tango him down back steps.” - -Nextly I knew I were embraced by that tense Englishman without any H in -his voice. While music burst up into runaway tune, Hon. Buttler show -me tango so rapidly I did not know my ears from my knuckles. O such -musical scuttle-step, back-walk, elbow-jounce, and twist-vine movement -towards outside side of house! And there I suddenly arrived followed by -orchestra-sound including kick. - -So I 1-step away with bursted gracefulness peculiar to lame duck. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XV - - Are Turkey-Waltzing a Dance or a Convulsion? - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who must have many subscribers because he - know that where there is Life there is Blood and where there is Blood - there is Circulation (free joke)_ - -Dear Mr.:—The Japanese Patriotic and Educational Suicide Club, of which -I are correspondent Secretary last night give a waltzing cotillion -and lemonade (25c for extra ladies who drunk it) at Rising Sun Banzai -Association Hall. Considerable fashion of yellow complexion was there -with Sadikichi’s Brass Orchestra to play it whenever we danced it. -Excitements. - -Considerable Japanese schoolgirls was fetched there by that nationality -and I was deliciously shocked to see how American they looked. They -wore crippled skirts of considerable thinness and their shoulder blades -seemed absolutely destitute. I fetch Miss Ruby Fujimuto, Japanese lady -of aggrevated beauty, with me for escort. When she removed off her -opera-house cloak, I look at her with my expression all braided up. - -“Ladies should be praised for their economy,” I corrode while observing -the cloth that was not there. - -She curbed up with bridle expression. - -“You no like the way my neck is cut?” she snagger, showing peevness by -her soprano. - -“Your neck is not cut,” I narrate. “I know because I can see it all.” - -She seem less engaged to me than formerly and eloped away to make -dance-step with J. Haro, Japanese photographer. - -Hon. Sadakichi’s Brass Orchestra make music resembling roof gardens. - -At that moment of time I could observe how everybody was dancing. They -seemed to be jouncing in couples, making crowd-up walk with occasional -slouchy-slouchy motion while their eyes said “How-do!” with Romeo -expression peculiar to Shakespeare. - -“It are nice for youngly persons to be affectionate,” I commute. “But -when will dancing begin?” - -“They are now Turkey-waltzing,” depose Arthur Kickahajama, missionary -boy, with Tuxedo eyebrows. - -My cousin Nogi, who arrive there with Miss Alice Sago (divorced) -approach to me and wish I should Turkey-waltz with her because he was -lame from when she kicked him. I told him I was a Methodist heathen, -therefore my feet was too religious to dance. - -“Turk-waltzing are denatured dancing,” arrange Miss Sago with alimony -smiles. “Come, Mr. Togo, I show you how do it!” So I went and stroggled. - -Mr. Editor, while I made gymnastix with that charmed lady, I wished -send you several editorials. What are this Turkey-Waltz, I ask to -know? Were it invented by Turks at Adrianople while wrastling with the -Vulgarian army? Did Turkish soldiers think up that peculiarostous step -while rolling barrels of powder at Greece? Why should persons blame -Turks with this style of trotting if they never did it? Mohammedans has -got sifficient bad habits of their own without accusing them of some -more! - -This Miss Sago shove me here & elsewhere with neglectful expression -peculiar to roustabouts. When music play “All Persons Are Doing -Something” she attemp to dissociate my spine by wig-wagging my elbows. - -“Make your ankles more diagonal!” she declare with sweety schoolteacher -face. I wish to ask her marry me, but wondered what might happen if I -did. I make slight jiu jitsu to her wrist, but she got more stronger -grippe while I jounce alternately like tables in earthquakes. - -“My feet are filled with clumsies,” I narrate baffably. - -“That are very valuable in Turk-trotting,” she say for sweetly smiling. - -“So is?” I holla. “I always sipposed folks must be graceful to make -dance step.” - -“They ust to, but no more,” she expose. “All fashionable 400s today -when dancing considers it great elegance to appear like drunken sailors -wrestling with bears.” - -I should have responded to her educational catalogue, but she was -showing me new jag-step where I could elevate my knees to music while -being choked. - -“I will nextly show you how do the Jellyfish Crawl,” she pronounce with -Tipsichore expression. - -“If I learned any more dances I should become a Geisha, which are less -proper,” I renig shyly while eloping away from her armful with talented -dodges. - -When I was hiding behind palum trees where she could not see me I -watched considerable turkey-trottery, bunny-huggery, etc., with eyes -full of science. Dignified home-made Japanese was making roof-garden -loops with their legs in such a way their wife & children would feel -siprised. Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, were doing sidewise -catch-and-let-go dance with Miss Mamie Furaoki. After that actions I -could not see how he ever could look a Y. M. C. A. in the face again. -First they glid together with expression of happy crabs, then they made -a twillup, two cross-legs & 3 bounces. This was followed by clutches. - -“They are dancing Tango,” pronounce Sydney Katsu, Jr., who was -floorwalking like a committee. - -“What slum teaches persons dance like that?” I abject doggishly. - -“Sometimes Bowery, sometimes Fifth Avenue,” he report for tone of -high-social. - -“Do Fifth Avenue permit the Bowery to teach them depravity?” I require. - -“Ah no!” ollicute Sydney. “Fifth Avenue are teaching the Bowery. Vices -are like other kinds of furniture. Rich folks uses them first and only -pass them on to poor folks when they are second hand. Thusly the slums -are seldom safe.” - -“After Tango is finished what new dance will explode in the Smarty -Set?” are next question for me. - -“Not sure,” Sydney say so with Harry Leer eyebrows. “Last week I hear -how some high-style Newporters had gone to Africa for try dancing with -some cannibles what knew some deliciously low down steps. But after the -first dance they had to quit because they was ashamed.” - -“Who was ashamed—the Newporters?” - -“No, the cannibles,” notate Sydney Katsu, Jr., looking like he was -prepared to be raided by police. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XVI - - When Will Lady-Fashions Get Ashamed of Themselves? - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint or whoever prints it_ - -Dear Sir:—Of lately I have been studying American style of fashions -for ladies, so I shall know your civilization from both ends. It are a -very hard science to chase and in doing so I annexed my acquaintance -to Miss Alice Furaoki, to who I shall become engaged when divorced. -This sweet-hearted Japanese schoolgirl dress so similar to American -actresses you cannot tell her from white lady, except when you look at -her. - -Last Satday eve p.m., when I was accomplishing her down street for see -emotion-picture show, price 10c, I felt very Vanderbiltish to walk so -near to Newport dressmaking. My eye hooked itself to her clothing and -remained there till—O sudden!—I observe what was. I blushed entirely -yellow. - -“Excuse, please, Hon. Miss Sweetheart,” I gollup. “Your dressmake has -axidentally forgot to sew up the ankle of your skirt so I observe -something deranged.” - -“What derangement do you observe?” she require with Vassar eyebrows. - -“Not sure,” I stotter. “It seems to resemble the biceps of your -hosiery.” - -“That biceps is situated where it usually is,” she otter clamly like an -ice box. - -“Should it be ashamed?” I ask shockly. - -“It are style,” she decry, “and style are never ashamed. Togo, why -should you stand there gasping like Queen Victoria seeing Paris? This -garments I are wearing are called a gashed skirt and is now very -favorite at Newport, and Jewport, on Fifth & Sixth Avenues. Queen Mary -of London wore one (very slightly) while giving Ice Cream Social to -Knights of the Garter. In Paris it were even more so, as usual. Two -French countesses from Minneapolis appeared tired out in this costume -at Long Chumps race-course and everybody was so asphyxiated by charm -they forgot to lose their money.” - -“Horses must feel very slow when racing against such style,” I report -nervely. “I am alarmed to think to where fashions will jump to nextly.” - -“More will soonly explode from Vienna where a gentleman-dressmake have -invented a dress all of glass,” she narrate with smiling eyebrows. “It -will be worn in beautiful green shades.” - -“Green shades are necessary to pull down sometimes when you are living -in glass clothing,” I say so for Elbert Hubbard smartness. - -Miss Furaoki make no intellectual reply, so we arrive inside -emotion-picture show to see that noiseless opera. I think I shall marry -her sooner than ever. - -Mr. Editor, Hon. Anthony Comestop and other celebrated purities is -continuously complaining because female ladies is becoming too much -seen in public places. Women is becoming too brave and their skirts too -shrinking. Hon. Comestop, who are not so strong as he were before he -took up modesty as a business, fainted 2½ times when he seen photos -of Lady Bluff-Gorgon’s latest style-simpony entitled “Spring Twilight” -and he have ordered entire U. S. Army to encamp at Custom House to stop -it when she send over Fall-style walking-suit called “September Morn.” - -Considerable ministers, judges and boss policemen has been talking -like angry uncles to ladies because of the increasing decrease of -their clothing. I read in news-print last week how Hon. Judge Killjoy -of Salem, Mass., wish to burn all witches under 27 years of age for -bewitching gentlemen by the clothes they don’t wear. Last week he order -Hon. Police to grabb all ladies wearing dangerous skirts, but Hon. -Police were too lazy to arrest entire female population, so he brought -Village Belle into court, because she looked most so. - -Hon. Judge observe that lady’s clingstone appearance and put on -eye-spectacles, because must see careful. - -“Mrs. Madam,” he report legally like Hon. Taft, “I are not astonished -that there are such delicious quantities of Cubist artists in this -generation. They are the only artists which can paint modern ladydress -so it conceals them sifficiently.” - -“Do you not like what I got on?” she require. - -“I do not object to such smallish matters,” he negligee. “It is for the -absent that I mourn.” - -“I are dressed in style,” she dib feminitely. - -“You are dressed in very little else,” he legalize. “I should die of -shames if I should see my Wife promenading in street clad in such a -lack.” - -“I do not blame you,” she snagger snubbishly. “I once saw your Wife in -bathing suit and can sympathize with you.” - -Hon. Judge feel considable contempt of court for this remark, yet he -could not hang her, because her style had not killed anybody yet. - -“Who is it buys the purchase of your wardrobe, such as is?” he ask to -know. - -“My husband,” she pronounce. - -“I shall arrest him for failure to provide,” he renig hashly. So he -lock up court in time to go codfish. - -Mr. Editor, numberous reformers is making weep-voice because ladies is -coming out in worse & worse. Yet I are less alarmed. Styles is like -other forms of advertisement—they are made to create look-at, and when -this stop, they stop also. Ladyfashions is always worse than formerly, -yet never so bad as they was. If you think 1913 is hideolous, look at -1880; if you think that ugliferous, observe 1870. Before the Uncivil -War considerable preachers made considerable shock because ladies wore -their lingeries next to their shoes. In reign of Gen. Arthur gentlemen -enjoyed much sorrow because ladies wore their skirts in Psyche knots -behind their backs. And now they create peev because ladies does not -wear sifficiently enough anywheres. - -At what periodical time of civilization have not mankind scolded -ladykind for something she took on or put off? You would think from -how they act that gentlemen must detest ladies for looking so homely. -Yet suicide, divorce & population increases annually, which show that -ladies can never dress too fashionable to be loved by someone. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XVII - - The Drama of Sex - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who knows how to go too far without - arriving there._ - -Dearest Sir:—My Aunt Taki Kati, spinsterial suffragette from Kobe, -Japan, arrived here of recently and say she should like see all the -customs of America. - -“What you wish see firstly?” I require for guide-bookish expression. - -“Theater,” she say so. - -“Had we not better begin with some other slum first?” I ask out. “There -are some delicious gunmen in jail this week; Tammany Hall are still -open to tourists and I could show you some splandid opium smokeries in -Chinatown, price 25c.” - -“Why should I not see theater first?” she require with Pankhurst -eyebrows. - -“Because so,” I report. “To enjoy theater you should a proach it -gradually like any other bad habit. It are better to work up from -mild to more strong. Otherwisely you might become ill without feeling -intoxicated. Foreigners intending to see American theaters should -first take lessons in blonde-slavery, debutchery, gun-manliness and o. -u. kiddery. Then they can see dramatic arts without blushing too much.” - -“My stumach has been strengthened by hunger strikes,” say that -suffraging Japanese. “Therefore I can stand considerable endurance.” - -“What variety play you wish observe?” I say it. - -“Some simple domesticated drama,” she indicate. So we went forthly for -see what was. - -Mr. Editor, when we approach Broadway that street seem about like -usual. Breathing get more difficulty there all time, because so many -new theaters arise there each night, making fresh air umpossible. - -“I smell the odor of some smell,” narrate my dear Aunt with chokes. - -“There is several new Viennese plots in town,” I say so. - -While we walked we could see following flashing signs winking with -wicked electricity: - - COUNTESS NYMPHIA - BY SWINEBURG - OPENLY VICIOUS!! - -Next sign report: - - THE GIRL AND THE LIBERTINE - A HORRIBLE HIT!! - -Next theater divulge: - - SLIGHTLY SOILED - THE DRAMA OF DISEASE!! - -Nearby electricity say: - - THE WHITE SLAVE’S FROLIC - MODERN MUSICAL COMEDY - 100 SHOCKING SONGS!! - -My Aunt Taki Kati wish see this opera, because she admire Gilbert & -Sullivan for their tunes. So we go Box Office and ask buy sit-down -inside. - -“We do not sell tickets,” he reply peevly. “Ain’t you got sifficient -brains in your mind to go to speculator when buying tickets?” - -We find Hon. Speculator by sidewalk looking quite commercial. - -“10$ each,” he report with tickets. - -“Why should your price be so immodest?” I snagger. - -“This are an immodest play,” he snudge. “Also we must charge extra for -this performance because the author will be arrested after Act II.” - -I knew we could see just a.m.ch wickedness for less cash money, so we -walk onwards. On side-up street we see sign which say: - - THE LIMIT! - ABUNDANTLY WORST!! - -At this play we obtain sitting-room price 3$ each, which were -deliciously cheap for so much sin. When we got inside there I obtain -program, which was useless for my Aunt Taki, who do not understand -American language, but can blush plenty in Japanese. Following words -was on program: - - - _Evil Characters Represented_ - - J. W. Wineblower Vice-President of Vice Trust - Mrs. Lillian Lorelei A Temptation - Venus A poor shop girl - -There was many others on that program which I did not have time to -see because Hon. Curtain go uply amidst Rector music. The scenery was -red like it was blushing for itself. And there sat Hon. Mrs. Lorelei -removing shoes while smoking opium. Pretty soonly one of her husbands -encroach in and complain that Hon. Janitor has been putting too much -water in his morphine this week. Knock-knock by door. Hon. Police -arrive in and accept bribery. Amidst considerable talk about purity -Hon. Miss Venus arrive in and say she cannot obtain sifficient vice for -4$ weekly in department store where she work. Therefore she have come. -I shall tell you the rest when I can whisper.... - -Mr. Editor, when Act I were finished up my Aunt Taki Kati smell a -bottle of Japanese salts for take the taste out of her nose. She say -that if America was like this Japan must annex it before it decayed. -She say her oldmaidenhood were insulted by that sight and she was sure -she must die dead from shocks. - -“Maybe we better go outside for ventilated air,” I snuggest. - -“Ah no!” she otter. “Let me faint where I am. If I went out I might -lose my seat.” - -But I feel otherwisely. I would rather drink my beer in some saloon -where thoughts are more pure. So I elope outside, leaving Hon. Aunt -to shock by herself. There was so many Presbyterian clergymans coming -inward that I was nearly scrunshed in going outward. Yet I manage to -get to lobbed door outside. - -By Boxed Office I notice Hon. Moses Feldspar, the management, talking -to Chief of Police and other press agents. - -“You are less ashamed than formerly,” I narrate hashly. - -“Why should I feel ashamed of employing Truth among my actresses?” he -snagger. - -“I never saw Truth behave so careless!” I dib. - -“She are most truthful when naked,” he exclam. - -“She are,” I renig for scorns. “But when Hon. Stage Manager dress her -in X ray skirt she appear entirely dishonest.” - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XVIII - - Grand Opera in English - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who can be considerable comical without - music_, - -Dearest Sir:—Cousin Nogi report to me recently with Oscar Hammerstein -eyebrows. - -“Togo,” he say so, “cannot grand opera be equally grand when pronounced -in English?” - -“Frequent theaters is now doing so with help of talented soprano,” I -say it. - -“So glad to hear!” contuse my cousin. “Nextly they will be singing -Salome in Japanese, which will be nice education for Japan who wish -to be educated so quickly possible, yet like to know what they are -talking about while doing so. Now they can’t do, thank you. Of -recently famous sing-song play ‘Carmen’ were introduced in Yeddo. -Considerable confusion enjoyed. When Hon. Bullfighter emerge forth -from slaughterhouse yalling ‘Tor-ee-a-do-da!’ in elevator voice, -all Japanese thinkers present imagine it was New York scenery -describing Tammany Hall after election while Hon. Jno. P. Mitchel were -congratulating himself on cruelty to tigers.” - -“While grand opera is in English all persons can understand merely by -ear,” I nudge gladly. - -“Will not German language lose its health if translated?” require -Cousin Nogi. - -“Perhapsly,” I collapse. “American language have no beautiful words -like ‘lustspiel’ and ‘Sauerbraten.’ Yet maybe they could use some -baseball language so all could seem natural.” - -“At any rates,” say Nogi, “it must be entirely enjoyous sensation to -set in opera and know what they are talking.” - -“Let us go and try one,” I snuggest with happy hat. - -So we sonter forthly until we observe theater what say “Grand -Opera—English Spoken here.” We encroach to door where bull-board -pronounce, “Opera Longrin by Hans Wagner, Famus Cyclist.” - -Annexed to door-entrance stood one stylish bell-boy who hold slight -program in his thumbs. - -“All words to opera 25c!” he pronounce distinctually. - -“Why must we spent this ¼$ for words, please?” I ask to know. - -“So understand what stage-singers say,” report boy containing buttons. - -“Do they not say it in English?” I negotiate peevly. - -“Not sure,” say Hon. Boy. “I have only been here a week.” - -We step inwards and observe opera going ahead amid considerable -crashes. I heard “Ouch!” while I set down, but was not sure whether it -was orchestra or merely lady I stepped on. - -Hon. Stage was filled with scenery, people & tragedy. I could not tell -what that picture represent, but it were easy to see who was there. -King Leopold of Belgium in antique bathrobe were surrounded by German -Samurai on bright banks of Erie Canal where they go for fresh air while -being cruel in music. Hon. King grumble some dishagreeable barytones to -goldly-hair daughter who step forthly in rich nightgown & holla, - -“O wat di spa!” - -I turn to eye-glass gentleman next by me who were reading Book of Opera -with piano-tuner expression. - -“What she mean when she say, ‘O wat di spa!” I requesh. - -“She say, ‘O what despair!” he pronounce distinctually. - -“What language was that, please?” This from me. - -“English,” he whisper peevly. - -“I am glad to make its acquaintance,” I argue slightly. - -Pretty soonly, after considerable choir-noise, Hon. Orchestra get into -dispute with brass horners. And look, see! Down wet transportation -of Erie Canal come flotting one enormalously swollen duck and on him -stands riding one hansum circus man in tin clothes. Excitements. -Hon. Tin Gentleman get off from that trained white chicken and throw -hitching-rope around his stretched neck. Hon. Poultry bobb chin with -peck-peck expression and steam away with promptness peculiar to -commutation. Hon. Tin Hero wave muscles of fingers. - -“Feh-wa! Feh-wa! Ma fayvu swa!” he warbule with sweet lung. - -I turn to Hon. Eye-Glass next by me who still read Opera Book. - -“What was he said it?” I require chivalrously. - -“He say, ‘Farewell, farewell, my faithful swan!’” he snub maddishly. - -“Are he still talking English?” I narrate. - -“Hush it!” he snarrel. “Between your noise and the orchestra I cannot -hear the opera.” - -“If my absence will make this art easier for your mentality I shall -cease to blockade,” are sharp report I make while withdrawing Cousin -Nogi outside the theater. - -Although Nagasaki by birth, I am Glasgow in my soul, Mr. Editor. It -pangs me to spend money without some come-back for what I pay. - -So I enrush up to box-office with money-back expression. - -“I require get at leastly 35c return rebate on these stubbed tickets,” -I say so to merely financial gentleman who was there. - -“Why for?” dib Box Officer hashly. - -“Because is!” I reject scornly. “I pay large wealth to hear English. -What they sung was otherwise.” - -“That were English!” say Money Box. - -“I could not understand it.” Say me. - -“Nobody expect understood Grand Opera in any language,” he snagger. “Be -reasonable like Sherman Law.” - -“What are grand opera for, if not?” I ask to know. - -“Several things. To give folks wrong impression of history and confuse -them about love while admiring Smart Setters in diamond horseshoe,” he -define. “This has satisfied Art for 311 years—why should you require -something else all of a sudden?” - -“Then why would it not be just as good for Americans if sung in -Chinese, Swedish or German?” I negotiate. - -“Because of patriotism,” he define. “Every man prefer to be puzzled in -his own language.” - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XIX - - A Lesson in Eugenics - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who will please be more careful about - choosing his ancestors in the future_, - -Dear Sir:—Last Wedsday night I got feeling of lonesome matrimony, so -I put on Tuxedo slippers and necktie resembling Vogue. I was not sure -which lady I intended for marry, but I go see Miss Tessie Matsuki -because I could get there without carfare. This Matsuki lady live over -store of her father, Hon. J. W. Matsuki, Japanese hay & grain. She got -considerable Vassar intelligence and would make nice wife for librarian. - -I found her by lamplight wearing goldly spectacles while reading -enlarged volume entitle “Eugenic.” - -She felt my biceps while shaking hands & seem to examine my hair for -criminal traits. I ask her would she like go see emotion picture show -with my accompaniment. She say no. She prefer set stationary and talk -about Future Race. I explan that I did not keep up pretty well with -sporty events, but my Cousin Nogi were entirely educated about racing -& baseball. She give high-up laugh of culture. - -“Future Race are not sporty event,” she define. “It are Eugenic.” - -“I got no time to think foreign languages,” I say so while admiring her -sweethearted expression with Garden of Allah sensation. “I come here to -ask some big importance. Would it be convenient to get married?” - -“It would be no trouble however,” she report for smiling. - -“O then we shall!” I holla while attempting to hold her handclasp, but -she snatch it to herself. - -“If suitable I shall include you on waiting list,” she snuggest. - -“I present you my heart,” I renig for poetry. - -“Condition of lung are more important,” she renounce. “Let me hear -your deep breathing.” I do so. She listen. “Ah!! I suspected what I -supposed! Your left pulmonia has slight anachronism. How dare you love -me?” - -“Permit me to tell about myself!” I yall like Romeo. - -“Tell me about your grandfather, instead,” she abrupt. - -“I do not ask you marry my grandfather.” This from me while enjoying -slight agonies. - -“In Eugenic,” she report, “we are expected to marry entire family.” - -“This Eugene must come from Utah,” I snib. “My grandfather would not -permit such illegality. He were married once, which were too many. -Also he are dead. It are immoral to marry dead folks.” - -“What he die from?” she romp forth. - -“Asthma of knees,” I pronounce. - -“So ha! Then you got diseases in family!” - -“You expect my ancestors to die from being too healthy?” I ask to know. -“Perhapsly Hon. Eugene who wrote that book will teach us how to do so.” - -“He expects to arrange everything,” she compose proudishly. “His -speciality will be marriage. Youngly persons will be selected carefully -like Luther Burbank choose best potatoes for crop.” - -“Will this Hon. Eugene make some new marriage ceremony?” I otter. - -“That have been arrange also,” she tell. “When 2 Eugeniuses wish get -married following program will be enjoyed: - -“Joy-bells will be jungled from tip-top of gymnasium where members of -Board of Health will act as Ushers, admitting relatives after examining -their tonsils. Talented vaudeville performers will play ‘Weddlesohn’s -Mending March’ on Indian clubs while Bride & Bridebroom, wearing Annit -Kellerman bathing suits to show no deception had been concealed, will -walk up aisle hand-in-hand with parents wearing rubber gloves. Bride -must not blush, because that are sign of weak heart and Bridebroom must -not seem nervus, because that indicate tendency to allipeptic fits. -After dumb-bell drill Rev. Preacher will step uply.” - -“What Rev. Preacher will do this ceremony?” I inquest. - -“Not sure,” she negotiate. “Perhaps Rev. Billy Sunday might do, because -of muscular religion.” - -“What shall this marriage service say?” is next question for me. - -“It say following dialog: - -Rev. Mr.——, Do you love this woman? - -Bridebroom—No. - -Rev. Mr.——, Woman, you love this man? - -Bride—No. - -Rev. Mr.—— Good. You have no inherited instinct. You swear there is no -fits, insanity or general ability in family? (They swear.) - -Then stick out tongues, please. That will do, thank you. I make you -manandwife.” - -Miss Tessie Matsuki look to me reproachly when saying this. - -“What happen pretty soonly after marriage?” I snuggest. - -“Baby,” she pronounce. “He are born perfect without a blamish or any -other sign of humanity. He are gave perfectly balanced name like -Sandow Socrates Shakespeare Scagg. In babyhood he are never kissed. In -schoolday he are never spanked. In manhood he are never loved. And so -he grow upward.” - -“What do he become, after so much exercise—a Congressman, perhapsly?” - -“How could he? Congressman are noted for imperfection.” - -“Then perhapsly he would be novelist or play-right?” - -“Ah never yet!” she snatch. “How could perfect Man be connected in -trade with Jack London, Gus Thomas and other rough boys?” - -“Yet there might be some jobs for him. He could be machinery engineer -of prominent greatness.” - -“Not possibly!” she reject. “Should we permit such model gentleman to -build subways for political scandals?” - -“But this Eugenics Baby must choose some activity of work. Shall he be -too good for any profession when grown up?” - -“Indeed will!” she holla. “He will be a Father.” - -“Father of what?” I require with alarmed teeth. - -“Of children similar to himself.” - -“Miss Tessie Matsuki,” I denominate punctually while choosing my hat -from table, “excuse my escape. I wish for search out some young lady -who will prove her unfitness to marry by falling in love. Please -excuse!” - -“Uncivilized brain!” she snarrel. “Go forthly! Such depraved minds like -yours drive tacks into the feet of Science when he try to progress. And -yet the world do move, in spite of Tammany Hall.” - -“Tammany Hall also move occasionally,” I corrode with Fusion expression. - -So I elope away full of low character. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XX - - Togo’s Christmas Day in the Morning - - - _To Editor Good Housekeep Magazine who realize how it must be more - expensive to give than to receive._ - -Dear Mr. Sir:—Merry Xmas thoughts fill me with something else. My brain -refuse to ring bells in connection with this annual jingling. Perhapsly -it is because of following anecdote which happen to me: - -At home of Mrs. & Mr. J. Poke, Rockpile, N. J., which is on the list -of places where I am no longer there, I was employed in their midst. -That family contained only two (2) complete children, but they were -sifficiently plenty. By name they was Hester and Lester, aged 5 & 7 -respectfully. These youngly persons, when healthy, was full of childly -amusements including dish-break, runaway, knockabouts, and whittling -pensils with Father’s safety razor. - -But by approach of Xmas time they suddenly became otherwise. I notice -this because I seen it. They walk around with Y. M. C. A. expression of -toes and seem too good to be happy. - -“Oh childish children!” I require from them, “why so you do so? Do you -enjoy some sleeping sickness to make you thusly silent?” - -“Hush it!” they depose. “Xmas are coming!” - -“Are Xmas, then, such saddish event that you should await it without -cheers?” I ask to know. - -“Oh, not is!” they ollicute. “But, unless we behave very Sunday-school, -Hon. St. Claus will not arrive with gifts of great cash valuation.” - -I stand gast for this phenominal. So I go to Hon. Mrs. Poke and require -from her, “Hon. Mrs. Madam,” I say so, “who are this Hon. St. Claus who -seem so Carnegie in his gifts?” - -“He resemble Hon. Doc Cook,” she snuggest, with slyly winking. “No such -person ever was.” - -“How so!” I snatch off for horrors. “Then I must inform Hon. Hester & -Lester about this mistaken personality.” - -“Not to do!” she snagger peevly. - -“Why should not?” I ask to know, with eyebrows. - -“Because thus,” she say it. “I told them about this Hon. St. Claus from -my own voice.” - -“How you could be so deceptive?” I terrify. - -“I do this to make my children less sinful in their comportment,” -she snuggest. “When they go around making gunman noises, I holla, -‘Stop before Hon. St Claus hear you and refuse to come!’ If they tell -untruthful lies, I humiliate them by reproaching, ‘Hon St Claus will -snub you for this untruthfulness!’” - -“Honesty are nice exercise for children to learn,” I corrode. - -She make pleasant face for reply. - -“On Xmas night-before,” she explan, “me & Hon. Mr. Poke set up slight -candle-tree in dining-room. We cluster this foliage with ornaments to -resemble circus, and by foot of it we place extended quantities of -drums, guns, horns, cannons, velocipedes, baseballs and other tools -with which home can be broke. In dawn-break of morning Hon. Dear -Children come down and observe. ‘Who sent it?’ they require. ‘Hon. St -Claus bring it because you was truthful childs,’ we report. ‘How he -get in?’ they ask to know. ‘He slid down chimbley-pipe,’ we say back -deceptively. So merry Xmas is enjoyed by all.” - -“Are it not somewhat sinful to relate them fibbulous tale to tender -child?” I negotiate. - -“Ah, no!” she abstract. “If childhood should not believe in St -Claus, then most happy times would relapse forever. Togo, you -must do everything what possible to make them believe in this -whisker-gentleman.” - -“I shall attempt to think up something deliciously deceptive,” are -smart answer I make. - - * * * * * - -As Xmas date approach up, Hon. Hester & Lester become more fidgettous -in their psychology. - -“This morning I dishcover 6 boxes labeled ‘Smith’s Toy Store’ in -basement of cellar,” pronounce Hon. Lester. “What could be in it?” - -“Coal is frequently packed in toy-boxes,” I renounce. - -“It look very deceptive to me,” deploy infant Hester. - -“At times I are discouraged about St Claus,” narrate Hon. Lester. - -“So sinful thought!” I holla. - -“How could I believe in gentleman I never seen? Where is his photo? I -suspect.” - -“Many distinguished persons is shy about photos,” I abrupt. - -“Perhapsly,” aggrevate Hon. Lester. “Yet other things I cannot -understand with brain. Hon. Parents tell me how Hon. St Claus comes -sliding down chimbley-pipe with gifts. I have awaited many nights to -observe this downfall, yet he never come. Therefore he ain’t.” - -“If you should seen him make in-shoot by chimbley-pipe, would you -believe this whiskered fairy?” I ask it. - -“Oh, surely yes!” response Hester & Lester together like chorus girls. - -“Then on Xmas morning you shall observe him!” I abrogate with earnest -expression of teeth. - -On date previously before Xmas I go to town-village with weekly -salary, price $5, and purchase considerable wheel-cart, squeak-doll, -jump-up-Jack, and other childish amusement. These I poke under overcoat -and retreat home slyly like snails walking over upholstery. - -When night time was there, Hon. Hester & Lester was cruelly sent to -bedtime and locked asleep so they would not find out about Hon. St -Claus. As soonly as they make sleep, Mrs. & Mr. Poke command me for -bring forth Xmas-tree. I make him grow from soap-box in dining-room. -I assist intelligently hanging this foliage with tin fruit, including -numberous candles standing on limbs to resemble candy fireworks. -While Hon. Poke boss my enthusiasm, I fetch forth considerable heavy -toy-boxes from basement of cellar. Back-broke feelings by me. Yet I -continue this labors until mixed assortment of Xmas stood by tree with -deceptive labels about Hon. St Claus. - -At 1 o’clock hour a.m. Mrs. and Mr. retire bedward, exhausted from -observing my work. But my dutiful labors had just commenced. I must -prepare to show those childish children how Hon. Mr. Claus down-slide -down chimbley-pipe. - -All house was full of darkness. Frozen moonlight outside. With sneekret -feetsteps, like snakes swimming in oil, I approach to closet and fetch -forth following articles of clothes: - - 1 minkish ottomobile coat - 2 boots of rubberly exterior - 1 cap from Eskimo leather - ½ lb cotton resembling whisker. - -I drop all them presents I bought inside one laundry-bag, place myself -into those garments of clothes, then with detective toes I descend up -through attric to where chimbley-pipe was on roof. - -4 o’clock time now approach. Making affectionate hugs to Hon. Chimbley, -I could tell it was Xmas by the feel of the themometer. By peeking down -Hon. Chimbley, I could see how it was sifficiently large hole to permit -my Japanese smallness—yet I must compress myself to do so. I enjoyed -considerable nervusness like heroes expecting to dive down Mt. Vesuvius. - -Pretty soonly 6 a.m. was there and I was not yet froze completely hard. -By listening down chimbley-pipe with telephone expression, I could hear -childhood voices coming down-stairs saying “Oh!!” It were time for me -to make some slide. - -I pull ½lb cotton to my chin, snuggle Hon. Bag to back, and commence -climbing into chimbley. What was? Distinctually I could smell slight -smudj of smoke coming upwards! Yet it were too late. Already I was -slipping, down-sliding slowly. Great chokes enjoyed. When nearly down I -stuck up suddenly. More chokes. - -“Oh, hellup, hellup!” I gollup. - -“Who there?” demand Hon. Poke below-down. - -“Hon. St Claus containing smoke!” I yellup. “Make haste or else be -quick!” - -Some individual persons grabb me at toes. With intense drag I was -pulled forth to fireplace where blazes was. My cottonly whisker become -inflamed, and in desperado attempt I clash against Xmas-tree which -tottle over amidst horble fire-alarms. Great holla by all. Then I -am a hero, as usual. While all others make hook-and-ladder noise, I -embrace Hon. Tree with elbows and reject him outwards through window. -Of finally all was silent, except slight smell of smudj. - -“What impossibility are you attempting to act like?” require Hon. Mrs. -sarcastly. - -“Hon. St Claus,” I report. - -“Why you no entrance by door?” shreech Hon. Mr. with wounded knuckle. - -“Doors is not respectable for Saints to come in by,” I devote. - -“They are plenty for Japanese to go out by,” resnort him, escorting me -outwards with brutal jam. - -And when I was deploying away from there I hear Hester & Lester report -in voice together: - -“We have saw Hon. St Claus. We do not care to meet such a person!” - -So I depart off feeling like an umpossibility. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XXI - - The Head of the House - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, civilized personality who knows - everything about home except what goes on_, - -Dear Sir:—Last place from which I was rebounded were home of Mrs. & -Mr. Annette Pratt, Curfew Glen, N. J. These individuals, though not -peculiar from themselves, had home-names what distincted them entirely. -Hon. Mrs. Pratt was Mother Love, Hon. Mr. Pratt was Father Darling -and Hon. Daughter Pratt was Mabel Dear. This Mabel Dear was half-past -schoolgirl age. She enjoy such aggrevated health that her mother make -considerable worry for her. - -“Why should not Mabel Dear help Togo make housework?” require Hon. -Husband while seeing her idly resting. - -“She must enjoy her headaches each morning during housekeep hours,” -snuggest Mother Love. “It are fashionable to be illhealthy until noon.” - -“Her illhealthiness do not keep her from tennis-play, night-set-up, -tango & flirtating which she do considerable,” commute Hon. Him with -grouches in his voice. - -“Fortunately she can accomplish slight duties expected of any -high-bread girl,” gollup Hon. Mrs. - -“When I was boy my mother knew nothing about Vermin Castle dance, yet -she could make doughnut, quilt, soap, beds and many other delicious -home cooking,” he glub. - -“Father Darling,” yellup Mabel Dear from her sofa where she layed with -her fatigue, “Mother Love says I can have new Harper’s Bazar dress for -Judkins-Perkins wedding festival ball.” - -“I am too busy going to my office!” he snarrel while departing with -door. - -This Mabel Dear are Miss Lady of such great importantness that it give -me great sorrow of brain to think she was born to merely New Jersey -condition of real estate. When Hon. Father pass off she tell this -sadness to her mother. - -“Mother Love,” she say so, “it create considerable humility in my -prides for see Togo open doors with soapsuds thumbs when Hon. Percy -Twill, whose home contain several butlers, arrive here for flirtation -and observe our poverty.” - -“Mabel Dear I sympathize to you for our downslide in world. Since -marriage to Father Darling I have expected very little. Before marriage -my home was entirely surrounded by footmen.” - -“Why you no brought 3 or 4 of those here?” are bright question for me. - -“Eavesdripper! Return to kitchen duty!” they holla together like chorus -girls. Yet I heard more from other keyholes. - -“How I go to Judkins-Perkins dance with only one dress?” I hear Mabel -Dear ask it. - -“Are not one dress sifficient for one dance?” I require silently from -myself while refraining my voice. - -“I cannot tell what Father Darling does with all his money,” dement -Hon. Mrs. “He receive $240. per monthly yet we enjoy less luxury than -the rich. Perhapsly he are gambling in stocks.” - -“Result of his selfishness I are the worst dressed girl in the Curfew -Glen Smart Set,” corrods Hon. Mabel amidst sobs. - -“If you had married Father Darling you would realize why ladies goes on -hungry strikes,” snib Hon. Mrs. - -And so onwards. - -When Hon. Pratt retreat homewards at night he usually carry complete -bookkeeper library under his arm so he can spent tired evening finding -who stole that 22c from firm of Obediah Pennypicker & Co. by which -he is owned. Considerable hours each evening he set to table with -eyeglasses and commonpeople expression on his face while he read that -arithmetic. Pretty soonly income Hon. Mrs. & Hon. Miss dishguised in -pinksilk Marlborough clothing and intending to go outwards. - -“Such stylish!” report Hon. Father looking at. - -“This are not stylish,” renig Hon. Mabel Dear while spatting her -Newport hairs. “This dress are made from remnant bargains. It are next -to nothing.” - -“It seem so at the neck,” ollicute he humoristically. “Girl wears but -little here below but wears that little long. To what social Durbar are -you going to?” - -“The My Cream Tango Tipsickery Circle,” negotiate Hon. Miss. “O Father -Darling, why you no go long? If oncely you did you might make less -cruel talking.” - -“Maybe I shall,” report Hon. Pa laying down bookkeep volume. - -“Father Darling!” hissy Hon. Mrs. “What you thinking of to say that? -You could not go society as is. The necktie you wear insults our pride -of family.” - -“I go where I pleases.” This from him with glares. - -“Why so independence?” She say it. - -“Are I not head of this house?” he require. - -“Yes, Father Darling,” she file off. “Therefore it is your duty to stay -home and look over $90. groceries bill.” - -She poke forth Hon. Bill and leave husbandly man to his sorry. - -Hon. Mr. Pratt work lonesomely till 9.44 clocktime. Then he fold away -books and go to emotion picture show. At 11.11 clocktime he come -backwards smoking intense cigar. I was setting on front porch enjoying -beauty of moonshin amidst Japanese poetry. He observe me there and -donate 1 cigar price 5c while he sat down next beside me with chumness -of college boy. - -“Togo,” he say it at lastly while we make twin puffs, “are I head of -this house or are not I?” - -“Are indeed!” I say kindly because thankful for cigar. - -“Then why should I be battered continuously?” This from him. - -“Heads are always punched,” I define. - -“I are breadwinner without being allowed to keep winnings, I are—.” - -“You are an American father,” thusly I report. “You should learn to be -a Japanese father.” - -“How you do it?” he ask with eggerness. - -“Japanese father are steam-roller Czar. Wife are sipposed to approach -him with frightened elbows, daughter must be sipposed to ask for favors -and not get it. All parties, presents, etc. are given by him. All -servants must attend his selfishness while neglecting females around -house.” - -“I shall move to Japan!” he cheer up. - -“You needs not,” I snuggest. “I shall be your Japanese slave and teach -you how be Japanese father. Tomorrow a.m. you can commence ordering -your home around like a floorwalker. Continually remember inferiorness -of everybody but yourself and feel as sacred as possible. Heads shall -be chopped for impertinence to you.” - -“I shall enjoy that!” he stotter with smiling teeth. - -At that moments carriage approach upward through moonlit and Wife & -Daughter make getout. - -“You up, Father Darling?” require Hon. Mrs. with shock tone. “I can -smell beer in your breathing. Man of your aged respectability should -not be boistering at night amidst low-living friendship.” - -She make dragoon expression to me while halling Father away. - -Next morning while it was breakfast Father Darling sat looking very -Cæsar where breakfast was not cooked while I go through with tray -containing grape-orange, omelit, lady-toast and slight tea for Hon. -Mabel Dear who enjoyed headache as usual. - -“Lay that tray on table befront of me!” holla Hon. Mr. with commander -voice. - -“Father Darling!” yellup Hon. Mrs. who was there, “what you intend do -with Mabel Dear’s headache food?” - -“Eat it!” he snarrel while I laid Hon. Tray befront of him with -complete courtesy of Japanese bows. - -“Are it customary for you to be taking comforts in this house from -others?” Eagles spoke in her tone. - -“It are not,” he negotiate with egg spoon, “yet it shall be from now -onwards.” - -“Am I to be dishobeyed in home?” she require shilly. - -“Why not?” he ask to know (“Togo, bring one jar mammalade and -considerable more coffee.) Yes, Mother Love, I have caught commuter -train for 43½ years without breakfast. Now I am turning over a new -sheet. Hereafterly I shall be Political Boss of my household. Not only -shall I be considered 1st in serving comfort, but my servants shall be -my complete slavers, similar like they are in Japan. Are this not so, -Togo?” - -“Ah yes, exalted-up Sire!” I worship while bending my base stumach. - -“Huh!” snuggest Hon. Mrs. with Huerta expression. “Togo, go immediately -upwards to Mabel Dear’s room and deliver complete breakfast to door.” - -“Togo,” depose Hon. Mr. looking clamly cruel, “go immediately upward to -Mabel Dear’s room and make knock-knock to door. When Mabel Dear answer -say so, ‘Your Rev. Father demand you get upward at oncely and help -wash-dish and other healthful exercise.” - -I go. I do so. When Mabel Dear hear knock-knock she poke forth girlish -cap and decry, “What for, imported heathenish?” - -“Your Royal & Exalted Up Hon. Father require you make immediate get up -for wash dish and be natural like ancestors,” I commit. - -She shreech. Slam door. Downstairs I could hear similar warcry while -sounds of smelling salts, hysteria, etc. could be heard from dining -room. - -Eloping to window I could observe Hon. Mr. evaporating down path in -depot direction. - -“Togo!” voice of Mrs. from down there. - -I make no correspondence to her tone. - -“Togo, will you come downward or shall you be thrown?” - -Still I conceal my words. Ring-ring by telephone could be distinctually -heard. - -“Togo,” she say more plaintiffly, “there is command here by telephone -from your Royal Lordmaster Sir Exalted Pratt.” - -“I go downward and obey,” is meakness from me. - -I emerge down there and put that electricity to my ear. - -“Hello!” - -“Yes. This are Boss Pratt. Togo, I have reconsidered my life on way to -depot. I am very respectful to your Oriental uncivilization and know -what you snuggest can be accomplished 10,000 miles distant from New -Jersey. Howeverley, I are expected to return to New Jersey every night, -so difference must be.” - -“In Japan you would never make such weekness resembling mice,” I -ollicute distinctually. - -“Undoubtlessly. And since you are so crazed about Japan, maybe you -should return there and teach Domestic Science where it shall be -understood.” - -“Then you mean say I am discharged?” - -“Like a gun!” he snibber while hanging telephone. - -So I arrive to backdoor and obtain immediate farewell feeling that Man -is superior to Woman, but that Woman are on Jobs more frequently all -day. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HASHIMURA TOGO, DOMESTIC -SCIENTIST *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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