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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a168807 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #65189 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/65189) diff --git a/old/65189-0.txt b/old/65189-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 9921e59..0000000 --- a/old/65189-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5071 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Hashimura Togo, Domestic Scientist, by -Wallace Irvin - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Hashimura Togo, Domestic Scientist - -Author: Wallace Irvin - -Illustrator: Frederick Strothmann - -Release Date: April 29, 2021 [eBook #65189] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Peter Becker, Les Galloway and the Online Distributed - Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was - produced from images generously made available by The Internet - Archive) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HASHIMURA TOGO, DOMESTIC -SCIENTIST *** - Transcriber’s Notes. - -The nature of the book requires many oddities of word, spelling, -and punctuation. This makes it impossible to unequivocally identify -possible errors therefore no corrections or changes have been made. - - - - - HASHIMURA TOGO - - -[Illustration: - _“You are not permitted to amuse cousins while working,” she snib. - “However, Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to Daughters of - Samantha.”_] - - - - - HASHIMURA - TOGO - - DOMESTIC SCIENTIST - - by - - WALLACE IRWIN - - ILLUSTRATED BY STROTHMANN - - - HEARST’S INTERNATIONAL LIBRARY CO. - NEW YORK - - - - - Copyright, 1914, by - HEARST’S INTERNATIONAL LIBRARY CO., INC. - - _All rights reserved, including the translation into foreign - languages, including the Scandinavian_ - - - - - Contents - - - CHAPTER PAGE - - INTRODUCEMENT 7 - - I TOGO’S THURSDAYS OUT 11 - - II TOGO’S MOVING DAY 19 - - III TOGO RUNS A FURNACE 26 - - IV TOGO AND THE “WEAK-ENDERS” 33 - - V TOGO SWATS THE FLY 41 - - VI TOGO SAILS FOR BARGAINS 49 - - VII TOGO IN BACHELOR’S HALL 57 - - VIII TOGO AT THE SEASHORE 65 - - IX TOGO MEETS HON. CLOTHES LINE 73 - - X TOGO COAXES DOWN THE COST OF - LIVING 81 - - XI TOGO BECOMES A FIRE HERO 89 - - XII TOGO MAKES DISCOVERIES 97 - - XIII TOGO’S THANKSGIVING 105 - - XIV TOGO SEEKS TEA AND FINDS TANGO 113 - - XV ARE TURKEY-WALTZING A DANCE - OR A CONVULSION? 121 - - XVI WHEN WILL LADY-FASHIONS GET - ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES? 126 - - XVII THE DRAMA OF SEX 131 - - XVIII GRAND OPERA IN ENGLISH 136 - - XIX A LESSON IN EUGENICS 141 - - XX TOGO’S CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE - MORNING 147 - - XXI THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE 154 - - - - - Illustrations - - - “You are not permitted to amuse cousins - while working,” she snib. “However, - Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to - Daughters of Samantha.” _Frontispiece_ - - FACING PAGE - - By this warfare I broke considerable flies - and other dishes 44 - - When I fetch forth raw steak and apple - pie all require, “What the matter with - Togo?” 60 - - “Have he not been constantly on ice for - 2 yrs? Nothing could be fresher than - that,” depose Hon. Butcher 106 - - - - - Introducement to Mrs. Public - - -Dear Sir:—In reading this intellectual volume of words I hopes that -Mrs. Public & Husband will realize what I am stabbing at. Science in -kitchen, rugs, vacuum cleaners, babies etc is what I wish teach all -homes. Can this be accomplish? Answer is, Yes!! For housekeeping can -get to be a Science just like warfare and pulling teeth. - -And in each of those letters scrambled together in this Book I show you -how like a Scientist I behave; for Scientists learns big wisdom, does -they not, by manufacturing wicked smells, explosions and unhappiness. I -also learn knowledge of housekeepery that way, and if occasional folks -expire dead from eating what I cook, they should not get irritable. -Science has its victims as well as warfare. - -Hon. Shakspeare, or some other great bookmaker, say, “We learn by our -mistakes.” If such is case, then I have learned nearly everything that -can be assimilated about Gen. Housework. I have followed considerable -branches of this kitchen intelligence throughout U.S. America wherever -I could find carfare. Therefore I have swept all this wreckage together -in my brain and publicate them in this Book, which is sort of letter of -recommendation to show how much I can accomplish when least required. - -Frequent Professors has asked that Question: Why Do Servint Girls Be -Servints? I have dishcovered following reasons for it: - -1—To accumulate $4 weekly until wealthy. - -2—To drink gin secretly in refined homes. - -3—To learn politeness from being snubbed by Ladies. - -4—To quit noisily. - -Still more frequent Professors require: Why is Reason for High Costly -Living? Answer is, Servints. If you ask any Lady in places from which I -have quit you will soonly find out. One lady called me most expensive -Servint in America because I cost her $1302.33 for breakery of crockery -in one week of labor. I were considerable proud of that record which -are seldom equalled, even by Swedish. - -What are purpose of this Book? To teach Ladies be more kind while -abusing their help. With very apologetic thumbs I acknowledge that -Hired Girls is not perfected like other modern machinery. Too many -waitresses wait too long before obeying anybody. Too many nurses spoils -the children. Too many cooks spoils the broth. Etc. Yet what could you -expect for $6 weekly? Not much. And you usually do not get it. This -are very labentable state of affairs, and I am peculiar among Servint -Girls because I never do less than expected of me. I usually do more. -For instancely, if Hon. Boss Lady expect me to break ½ her dishes, -I break all. If she expect me to burn up the roast, I burn down the -house. Success in any line can be manufactured from such industry. - -House-ladies should continuously remember that Servints are only human. -Sometimes slightly less. Nor should persons feel peev of temperament -because Cooks only stay shortly when they call. Folks does not expec -Doctors and Undertakers to stay longtime when they come to houses. No!! -They got too much busy duties elsewheres to linger considerable with -one customer, however much they enjoy it. Suchly it is with Cooks. They -give so much time they can to each victim & pass onwards. Then why -should they be followed with brickbatts & regrets when they depart for -station? There is no answer to this question. - -During my promenades from jobs to jobs I have visited considerable -kitchens. Some folks have promised to treat me like one of the family; -this sound deliciously sweet until I see how that family behaves with -itself. From such places I escape nearly lifeless. In my profession -I resemble burglars—continually entering houses without welcome and -seldom quitting without taking something with me. Sometimes I take -valuable experience, sometimes injury of eye which are considerable -precious for teach my soul how to set in his place and act low down. - -Hoping you are the same - - Yours truly - HASHIMURA TOGO - - - - - HASHIMURA TOGO - - - - - I - - - Togo’s Thursdays Out - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who should be found in every - employment bureau_ - -Dearest Sir:—While working in servant-girlish employment of Gen. -Housework I have endured considerable cruelties with great durability. -But when ladies insists to pour kindness upon me, then the worm twists -from such brutality. For thus reason I am now entirely disjointed from -job of working at home of Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke & Husband, Nutt -Center, N.J. I tell you this historical event. - -When I employ this Mrs. Hoke to be boss, she say with Jane Addams -expression, “Hon. Abe Lincoln freed niggero slaves sometime of yore; -therefore Japanese servant must also be considered human.” - -“I do not expect such sweethearted treatment,” I say for slight -tear-drop. - -“I am going to commence my beginning by being generous to you,” she -encroach. “You may take Thursday afternoons out.” - -“How far out can I take them?” are question for me. - -“Plenty far,” she renounce, “but not so distant he will not get back in -time for breakfast Fryday morning. I give you this Thursday p.m. from -great philanthropy of soul, so you will be able to work harder when you -get back.” - -“What amusements are proper for servant on this bright holidate?” I ask -to know. - -“Sometimes one way, sometimes different,” she pronounce. “Walking, -setting down, quarreling, flirtating, seeing emotion-picture show, -obtaining drunkenness, getting married or arrested—all are good ways -for servant on Thursday.” - -I thank her from the stomack of my soul and fill my brain with -joy-thoughts about that nice date of afternoon I should spend. It -were Monday when she say this. Each day afterwards my gladness become -pretty plenty when I think what light amusement it should be. I fill my -mentality with plans for frivolity. Maybe I should go to hear Rev. Dr. -Soyanada lecture on Mr. Ibsen. Or perhapsly I might walk in Unnatural -History Museum admiring skeletons. These light joys seem pretty -happy—but O!—of suddenly I think something better. I should write my -cousin Nogi for meet me in G. A. R. Cemetery where we could learn -American language by reading biographies on monuments. - -Thursday morning arrive up. Such beauty of day! Air was clear like -alcohol, making blueness of sky which removed blueness from heart. -I never observed better day for servants to see cemeteries. At 11 I -eloped to room for make slight brush to shoes & derby. - -Lunch time arrive. - -“Togo,” report Hon. Mrs. Hoke, poking unprepared head into kitchen, -“you will be unexpectedly detained at home this afternoon; so sorry. -I shall give bridge-gamble for 48 friends this and 6 additional must -remain for dinner-eat.” - -Door-slam was her next reply. - -Mr. Editor, have you ever been retained in kitchen, manufacturing -lemonade-drunk for ladies while Nature stand outside whistling for -you? Amidst such sorrows your fingers shuffle their feet and your soul -refuses. I attempt to bake cake while enjoying these pains; but you -cannot make cake arise when your heart contains no yeast. - -All through brightness of afternoon bridge-gamble continue while I poke -forth chocolate. At lateness of 11.22 p.m. 6 additional persons depart -off from dinner-eat. I go bed without congratulation. - -Next morning Hon. Mrs. report to kitchen with shameface. - -“So careless, I forgot Thursday!” she guggle. - -“Could you not forget Monday or Wednesday next time?” I acknowledge. - -“When Thursday comes again, remind me it is here,” she snuggest while -tucking her hairs. - -So I again enslave myself with fidelity for 6½ complete days. This -Thursday, I think so, me & Nogi should see that delicious cemetery -while brightness of weather was there. Once more I write Nogi, “Come -meet me at kitchen, so we sure find each other.” He reply back, “Will -do.” - -Next Thursday come up. More sunshininess of thermometer I never saw. On -such days birds gets headaches from too much song. So I was prepare to -elope away for slight vacation. By early date of breakfast I encroach -up to Mrs. Boss and reply with butler voice, “Thursday have arrive!” - -“So glad you remind me—so he has!” she gosp. “If you had not speak I -would forgot—Daughters of Samantha Stitching Society meet here this -p.m. You must assist with salad-eat for 41.” - -“Are this not my outside day?” I repeat for slight peev of tone. - -“Be less impertinent in your impudence,” she snagger while walking. - -I remain where was that afternoon. Yet my soul became so sogged he -nearly dropped out. At 2 p.m. while I was chopping up detestable -chicken for salad-feed, my Cousin Nogi make smiling knock-knock to -kitchen door. - -“When shall you get out?” he require with fashionable derby. - -“I am hopelessly sentenced for life,” I reply spirally. “Set down in -chairs and enjoy my imprisonment.” - -Ring-door occur so I must lay aside my apron and other sorrows while -opening knob for assorted fat ladies. When I go back to kitchen and -commence explaining indignation in Japanese to Cousin Nogi, then Mrs. -Hoke poke her features in door. - -“Who that?” she require hashly, making points to Nogi. - -“My affectionate cousin Nogi,” I corrode. - -“You are not permitted to amuse cousins while working,” she snib. -“Howeverly, Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to Daughters of -Samantha.” - -Loudly crash heard when Nogi was escaping through window. - -Mr. Editor, Thursday Out are like any other form of love. If you never -had it you never miss it. I had 2 Thursdays removed from me and was -getting accustomed to do without. - -When another Thursday arrive up all Nature look cross & aggravated. -Extreme cyclones begin blowing away Kansas; trees threw down, huj -landslides of snow fell from heaven while wet rain also was there to -make puddles amidst ice. - -Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke arrive in kitchen with her face filled up from -the sunshine which was not in sky. - -“Togo,” she say so, making charity expression of mouth, “you have been -earnestly faithful Japanese in bake, stew, and dish-wash.” - -“I confess it.” This from me. - -“Therefore I shall reward it,” she sympathize while pointing to -outdoors where nature were feeling seasick while blowing down -hen-shed. “I give you your Thursday Out.” - -“I bid you merry no thanks!” I say it. “If convenient, I shall take my -outing inside where there is less pneumonia.” - -“O!” she defy with steam voice. “You dishobey my orders?” - -“If convenient,” I snagger, “I prefer my picnic in my bedroom where -there is only one leak.” - -“Shall not do!” she howell. “Your lung require fresh air Thursday.” - -“My lung feel plenty fresh already,” I insure. - -“O boneless Japanese!” she retork. “Why should I be continuously -thoughtful for your convenience? Why should I treat you gently like a -horse when you stand there and kick my kindness back in my face?” - -Bang door. She popp away. - -When dishes was entirely washed off I retire upwards to my room with my -mind full of vacation. This department where I slept was neat room for -Japanese, but too small for Swedes. What should I do with this enclosed -Thursday? Sleep, perhapsly, and enjoy a few nightmares by daylight? -This seem too inappropriate. What then should I? - -I set on bed opposite bursted portrait of Hon. Geo. W. Washington while -watching drop-drip of rain falling into wash-bowl. Pretty soonly I -uprose and lock door. - -How should I be amused? Then, of suddenly, I think it. Music! That are -considered most fashionable indoor exercise for jaded fatigue. So I -open up trunk and got out following implements: - - 1 Japanese banjo of whang-string variety. - 5 complete cigars of Philippine factory. - 1 music entitled “Jolly Widow Wedding March.” - 1 umbrella of American nationality. - -I tie umbrella to bed, so keep off drop-drip. I arrange myself under -this water-shed, light cigar in teeth, put banjo in knuckles, retain -music on knee. Then I commence beginning. Japanese banjos, Mr. Editor, -refuse to wear American tunes unless forced to do so; but by practical -continuation of pick-pick on strings I can become quite Mozart. I -spent 2½ hours at this musical sympathy, filling small room with -more sounds than it could contain and almost becoming tuneful, when—O -startle!—knock-knock rapped at door. - -“Come inwards!” I holla. - -“Can’t do, and be pretty quick about it!” glub basso voice of Hon. Mr. -Hoke, making rattles from locked knob. “Please unlock door so I can -drag you out.” - -I oblige politely by unlatching that locker. Hon. Hoke rosh inwards and -stand sky-scraping over me like bulldogs scaring mice. - -“Why you mean?” he thonder. “Why you so reptilian in depravity when -kind Mrs. Wife are so angel-handed? Are she not entirely generous?” - -“She are quite Carnegie,” I pronounce humbly. - -“Did she not give you my shoes last week?” - -“She do. I am saving them to give to some tramp who like ventilated -soles,” I oblate. - -“What are more ungrateful than ingratitude?” he hoop. “And now this -sweetish lady offer you Thursday which you refuse. Why so?” - -I point out of window where weather was there shooting lightning into -churches while thunder cursed with entreme bellus. - -“I do not like this Thursday,” I renig. “It is damaged.” - -“You shall be included among the wreckage!” he nash while compelling me -downstair. And next I stood alonesome in the midst of Thursday which -was quite drowned. - - Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - II - - Togo’s Moving Day - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who are still there, I hopes,_ - -Dear Sir:—Kindly to please notice my detachment from employ of Hon. -Mrs. & Mr. Anna G. Sulkz, Cornstable, N. J. I shall tell you how -they carelussly came to remove their home without including me among -furniture. - -One morning a.m. Hon. Mrs. arrive to kitchen and observe me singing -Japanese opera amid dish-pans. - -“Togo,” she say it, “date of Maytime will soonly arrive up. May Day are -come when nervus prostration are enjoyed by all Homes which must travel -for their health.” - -“I should like learn this education,” I say it. - -“You shall,” she pronounce. “Kindly to begin at oncely. Firstly you may -rave through house tearing all pictures down and all carpets up. We -must move on Wednesday before our lease stops doing so.” - -“I shall obey with faithful mania,” are promus from me. - -So I do so to any extent. I seek forth with tack hammer and am so -earnest from labor that entire residence look quite cyclone. Too bad -important cow portrait hanging over piano were crushed by falling on -that mahogany music! Also sorry to observe so much jugs, china, and -ancestors bursted by striking me while I worked! But what you expect? -Home are like any other ship. It would not be wrecked if it would -remain motionless. - -But Hon. Mrs. Sulkz would not agree to this wisdoms. When plaster cast -of Mr. Dante, famous inferno, fell over and stroked me on forehead with -his sharp nose, Hon. Mrs. make loudy ouch. - -“Awful!” she yellup. “Why must everything break what strikes you?” - -“I am grieved.” This from me. “If that poet gentleman had less soft -head it would not explode when striking mine.” - -“It were an artistic bust,” she narrate while weeping. - -“I notice this,” I reprobate while sweeping up small plaster fraxures -from that great poetry.—And so onwards. - -When Hon. Sulkz, important gentleman of Senator Penrose resemblance, -retire homewards that night, he look round with anxious thumbs. - -“I wish women could vote,” he exaggerate, “because then they would get -less time for housekeeping and home would be left comfortable once in a -whiles.” - -Hon. Mrs. make pepper answer to this reply, but I were too busy -dragging carpet downstairs by his ears. - -At lastly morning of May date arrive. I awoke and called me early, -wishing to think Tennyson poem, but could not do because rain ensued -as usual and Italian-speaking shovels was digging gas-hole in street -amidst intense odor of smell. - -I hear noise of considerable “Whoa!” befront of house. Look see! Three -swollen wagons resembling circus was there while 3 drivers, assisted by -enlarged Irish, spoke language to horses wearing overalls. - -I rosh downwards to open door and all Moving Vanners rosh inwards -intending to make jiu-jitsu with furniture. - -“O please!” collapse Hon. Mrs. while them 6 Vanners looked cruelty at -piano while unrolling their giant muscles. “O please be gentle with my -home!” - -“Mrs. Lady,” say Hon. Boss Mover, making chawtobacco, “strong men -are always kindest.” With such dictation he embrace Hon. Piano with -terrible Turkish elbows and knock off several legs by removing -door-knob while brushing too close. Assisted by considerable Irish, -Hon. Piano make crash-bang music by stumbling into Van. - -“How could you treat music so carelussly?” chock Hon. Mrs. ringing her -hands. - -“One cannot be a Sandow and a Paderewski at same moment,” snuggest Hon. -Boss Vanner while performing slides with bed furniture. - -Pretty soonly all that Home was ejected outward into street. Ancestors, -coal-scuttles, landscapes, dictionary, dust-pan, etc. all waltzed down -stairway on top of that great muscle. When Hon. Vanner drop bureau -which crack in 2 he say to Hon. Mrs. Sulkz, with chivalry expression, -“I call you to witness; this goods is damaged.” And so onwards. - -Pretty soonly, when that Home were completely tied down in wagons, Hon. -Mrs. arise upwards from her nervus prostration and say so to me, “Togo, -can your brain do some intellect?” - -“I shall be entirely brilliant, if brain is not,” I promus. - -“Well, if so,” she snagger, “I wish you would ride on front wagon with -Chief Housebreaker and tell his brainless mind the number of new house -where it should go.” - -“Where shall it be?” I inquest. - -“Remember this number exactly—125 North Orange Street. Can your memory -assimilate it?” - -“Doggishly!” I insure. - -“Remember—125!!” she holla while Hon. Vanload chuckle off. - -This job of bossing boss make me entirely enlarged in my sensations -which feel like German army. To think of! Small-down Japanese like me -setting there in frontwheel seat dictating orders to gigantic Irish! -This show how brains is more muscular than muscle. - -Pretty soonly we arrive up to home entitled Number 125. O such -landscape of expensive house! Front lawn extending on all sides, -considerable pompus windows, goddesses in iron nightgowns standing near -fountains, and front door of considerable brass resembling Senators. -Joy inflamed my ears. How pleasure I feel to know that Hon. Mr. Sulkz -had increased his salary so much he could afford to move into house -like a library. - -While thinking this intelligence I stood forth and command all those -enlarged Vanners like Napoleon moving into France. Firstly we go to -front door of new home for open him so furniture get in. How strange! -Hon. Key seem disabled to unlock it. Howeverly much we twist and -fubble, it make no impression on that brassy opening. - -“You have got wrong key,” say Chief Mover. “But not be dishcouraged. -I was once a burglar. Therefore I can deceive that lock into opening -himself.” - -With talented thumbs and several pocket-knife he stroggled & ranched -until—O suddenly!—Hon. Door click apart and there we stood in grandy -hall resembling theaters. - -But what I see there? Surprise! That home we entered were entirely -filled with furniture of boastful appearance. Sofas, statues & gilty -upholstery stood everywhere looking natural. - -“Last family have been too sluggish to move out in time,” glub Hon. -Vanner. “Shall we throw out this proud furniture and wedge ours in?” - -“Not sure,” I renig dubfully. “So many sideboards & pianos might be too -heavy to throw very far. Perhapsly they are new instalment furniture -bought by Hon. Sulkz to fill up.” - -“Gentlemen with so much duplicate tables should lead double lives,” -grubble Hon. Boss Teamer. “Shall we move inwards?” - -“With immediate quickness!” I signify, making Admiral Dewey eyebrows. - -So all Moving Vanners do so with immediate strength. Sooner than before -all that Sulkz home was walking into midst of grandeur which look quite -snobbish to see so many plain chair & table piled up in midst of that -Czar of Russia parlor. No room was for another piano, yet we pile him -next. Dining-room were too much crowd for second table, yet we set 2 -on top of each other. Same thing must be did with beds, stoves, and -wash-tubs. - -When all this jobs were completely finished, that house look like a -judge after Republican banquets—entirely grand, yet too filled to feel -comfortable. - -However! When all those Vanners say “Gid-dap!” and drove away in Gen. -Direction of more beer, I sat alonesome in house. 4 hours I await idly -doing nothing. What had occurred to kill all Sulkz family that they -do not come to reside in this new palace? I was confused. Night time -approach up. I could hear ghosts creaking under piano, so I lit $10000 -chandelier in dining-room and ate crackers while pretending I were King -of Portugeese expecting revolution. - -Silence was interrupted by noise. What was? I heard many footprints -walking into house—and while it was too soon to hide, 2 realestaters, 6 -police, Mrs. Sulkz, Mr. Sulkz, child & dog walk inwards. - -“How you get in here?” howell Hon. Mrs. with voice. - -“I move in,” I narrate calmly. “This are number you told.” - -“It are right number but wrong house,” she snuggest. “I told you North -Orange Street. This are South Orange Street.” - -“Would that make some importance?” I ask out. - -“Mentality of a mice!” she aggravate. “Do you not know difference -between North and South?” - -“There are no difference,” I explan with Abe Lincoln expression. “That -were settled by civil war.” - -But before I could complete finishing my talk, more civil war elapsed -while Hon. Sulkz, police, real-estate, child & dog poke me through -mixed furniture while I eloped away like an old-fashioned egg escaping -from Dr. Ostler. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - III - - Togo Runs a Furnace - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who are cheaper than coal, - because he warms many homes, price 15c._ - -Dear Sir:—Most recent job of employment I was impeached from was home -of Mrs. and Mr. J. W. Humburg, Pondside, N.J. Perhapsly you can tell me -why, because I am disabled to understand the customary habits of some -households. - -Just a few days of yore I apply there in extreme coldness of snow. This -Hon. Mrs. Humburg, dark hairs lady of muscular expression, approach to -kitchen and observe me. - -“You are a cook?” she ask it. - -“Yes are!” I say it. - -“Then you will be expected to feed the furnace while doing so,” she -negotiate harshly. - -“Must I be an engineer because I am a hired girl?” I requesh. - -“I guess supposedly,” renig Hon. Mrs., while leading me to inferno of -down-cellar where I was introduced to Hon. Furnace. This iron animal, -Mr. Editor, lives like a very homely hermit in middle of low darkness. -He set there in nest of ashes, with tin snakes growing from his -forehead like zinc octopus. His teeth was full of blazes and he would -of made a nice idol for Japanese to worship when feeling old-fashioned. -I could not love his face which seem too hungry when open and too -satisfied when closed. - -“We never permit him to go out in winter,” narrate Hon. Mrs. - -“I shall watch see he do not escape,” I promus with Wm. Jerome eyebrows. - -Annexed to Hon. Furnace were a slight clock with one finger going -around like taxicabs. “This are the steam gag,” explan Hon. Mrs. “He -are now pointing 23.” - -“Do that tell age of Hon. Furnace?” I require educationally. - -“No, not!” she snagger. “That indikate the number lbs. steam in -boiler. You must be careful about that. If Hon. Steam Gag jump above -25 lbs. that will mean Hon. Furnace have got too much steam on his -brain and might blow up with Harry Thaw noise. When Hon. Steam Gag get -too ambitious, Oh, cool Hon. Furnace with immediate quickness before -explode up!” - -“A Samurai janitor fears no steam!” I reject proudishly, while folding -my elbows over coal shovel. - -Mr. Editor, I did not stoke long in this situation of work, but I make -very pleasant impression of it. Although I enjoy thumb-scorch, ash-eye, -and janitorial pain of spine, yet I commence to love Hon. Furnace for -his characteristic. I begin to dishcover he are like Hon. Beethoven, -famus piano-player—he got red-hot soul inside his homely face. It were -pleasant to watch him eat $8 worth very hard coal and purr from sweet -digestion. It are nice to be healthy. He seem to contain no meanness. -When I close his mouth with shovel he forgive that impoliteness. He -love to have me comb his ashes with poker. - -Pretty soonly, while doing this, I begin to feel like engineers running -_Lusitania_. I decorate my complexion with smudges and imagine how 1000 -Newport passengers was on upstairs deck congratulating my intelligence. -While thinking thusly I poke more coal into inflamed mouth of Hon. -Furnace. Yet I keep my scientific eyesight on Hon. Steam Gag for see he -did not over-jump 25 lbs., thusly causing mania to explode. - -This engineerish work seem so heroic that I grew quite peev about -merely house-maidenly work. Yet I was hired to do. So I perform them -with disgust. - -While I was upstairs doing bed-make exercise, Hon. Mrs. incroach with -sharpness of face peculiar to swords. - -“I am quite aquainted with Hon. Furnace,” I say for happy smiling. - -“I notice it,” she degrade,“by the thumb-tracks you leave on -bed-spread.” - -“If you would burn white coal, maybe I would match your delicate home -more nicely,” I snuggest. - -She reply by not doing so. - -Hon. Furnace seem more depressed that afternoon p. m., so I sit beside -him to shovel nourishment. Hon. Steam Gag say 14, which are very sick -temperature. Hon. Furnace look dull-eye like fish, and more I coaled -him the less he het. I feed him slight soap-box for light foods, and by -4:11 he smile more pleasanter and commence eating coal. At 5:12 Hon. -Steam Gag awoke up to taxicab work. - -Thusly I left him and go to kitchen for make food for rest of family. -But my soul would not get into that kitchen work, Mr. Editor. It were -similar to a janitor attempting to be a chef. It might be done, but can -it? I almost nearly put shovelful of coal in apple-pie, I was thinking -so hard about what would tempt appetite of furnaces. - -Howeverly, I finished fashionable foods for that Humburg family to eat, -to include considerable potatus and canned corn. Hon. Mrs. who went -to Trenton for slight shop-buy, arrive back at 6:34 attached to her -Husband. I observe that gentleman through door-hinge and notice his -dishagreeable Wall Street appearance. He look entirely bear-market. -First thing he do when approaching inside was to sneeze while walking -to Hon. Radiator and touching him with diamond fingers. - -“Huh!” This from him. “Have you employed Hon. Doc Cook for janitor?” - -“Why so?” This from Hon. Mrs. - -“Because he makes North Poles wherever he goes,” snig Hon. Mr. I could -not assimilate this compliment which might be otherwise. - -I brought in dinner-food on tray and set him to table. When Hon. Mr. -took chair he looked to me with serious eyesight. - -“That are nice-looking niggero boy you employ,” he snuggest to Hon. Mrs. - -“He are not niggero,” she devolve. “He got that complexion from being -attentive to furnace.” - -“Oh,” he snagger. “If he would put more coal in Hon. Furnace and less -on that face, perhapsly I should feel less iced.” - -I could not chide that denaturized man, yet I thought so. - -After dinner-eat he approach to kitchen and say: “Togo,” he say with -doggish voice, “furnaces are made for heats. Otherwisely we would use -ice-boxes, which is just as handsome. Any cook who cannot feed my -furnace should be banished for cruelty.” - -“I understand this knowledge,” I report chivalrously. - -“Did you permit Hon. Furnace to go out?” - -“Ah, no, not I did!” This I say. “I watch him entire day and give you -my truthful insurance he did not leave that cellar.” - -“Tonight you must compel him to heat, no matter how desperado you act,” -he snarrel, departing off with bang-slam. - -At hearing such adjectives, angry rages filled my hair with scorn. What -is so ungrateful as ingratitude? Nothing!! Had I not sat by sick-bed -of Hon. Furnace, feeding him what stumach would hold? Yes! And yet this -crude gentleman reproach my firemanship with coolness. - -Nextly I become determined. I would compel that heater to a hotter -thermometer if I cooked my soul doing so, I declare! - -So I ascend down to cellar. Hon. Furnace was still there doing the -same. I shook him with considerable peev, but he merely answered by -winking his dull coals. Hon. Steam Gag say 18 and act like he was -intending to faint away. I have read in novel-book about bravery of -engineer who save his ship by burning it up for steam. I shall do -similar! - -I burst up kitchen table, which should burn nice because covered with -happy grease. Hon. Furnace love such foods and eat him with loudly -roar. Hon. Steam Gag jump forwards to 19. Afterwards I poke in oilcloth -which blaze resembling July 4 and smell more so. At this sight Hon. -Steam Gag leap onward to 21 and that cave where Furnace lived become -quite sun-stroke. And when I fetch forth excelsior-shave quenched with -kerosene, I never observed Hon. Furnace chew more satisfaction. Coal I -added in hodd—when—Oh, look!! - -Hon. Steam Gag had arrived at 27 and was pointing his reckless finger -further up! This could not happen!!! I remember how Hon. Mrs. had -cautiously warned me that Hon. Furnace would get steamed brain and -explode from dementia if Hon. Gag surpass 25 lbs. Yet there he was -approaching 30 with mean taxi-click! - -What should heroes do with such circumstances? I thought lightning. Too -much fire make too much steam, too much steam make blow-off. Therefore -fire must quit at oncely. With rapid coal-scuttle I make outrush to -kitchen sink where I fill him with water and make back-rush to cellar. -I open mouth of Hon. Furnace, and embracing my elbows, throw water with -awful strength. What did that cruel furnace reply then? - -WHOOSH!!!*** - -Out-jump of steam, cooked coal & atmosphere suppress me backwards with -such rapidity that I hurricaned through 2 doors and 1 window, arriving -in outside snow-bank on the seat of my stumach. - -“What deed have you done now?” scram Hon. Mrs. from topside porch. - -“Your furnace just discharged me,” I flop back disgustly. - -“I congratulate him,” she narrate. Then she make earnest close-down to -window, so there I sat surrounded by frost. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - IV - - Togo and the “ Weak-Enders” - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who know how to make home - beautiful by staying there_, - -Dear Mr:—There are a vacant place to be obtained for bright Japanese -Gen. Houseworker at home of Mrs. & Mr. Jeremia Spiggott, Flag Wave, Pa. -That vacancy are where I am not now working. It surprise me. This are -how it happen. - -During breakfast-table last Fryday Hon. Mr, Spiggott look uply from -Pittsbug news-reading and say with voice, “Mrs. and Mr. Wm. H. -Axweilder shall be here tomorrow p.m. for slight weak-end visitation.” - -“They are both entirely unwelcome, I am sure,” she snob. - -“If we merely asked people we liked there would be no hospitality,” he -rake off. “We must enjoy Hon. Axweilder’s company because of his great -wealth. If we are sufficiently delightful to him maybe he will permit -me to cheat him in business. You will love his conversational talk. For -so dull a man he have a most penetrating mind.” - -“He _must_ have to bore me so deep,” she snagger. “I like his wife less -than equally.” - -So that day she enslave me for hard housework, so all shall be -delightful for this disgusting visit. All day I do considerable proud -bed-make with swollen quilts of mushy silk appearance. At lastly -tomorrow p.m. arrive when Hon. Mrs. approach, up to me and say with -commutor language: - -“Togo,” she say it, “at toot of 2.22 train Mrs. & Mr. Axweilder will -arrive in custody of Hon. Husband. Kindly to hitch down Sarah, the -horse, to fashionable bug-wagon and elope to depot with coachman -expression.” - -I go forthly to horse-garage where Hon. Sarah stood eating his oat. -So I hitched it and made immediate race-course to depot where I stood -proudly clutching harness with grand thumbs resembling Newport. - -Toot-toot of 2.22! Three human personalities eloped forthly from -Pullmanly train. One were Hon. Spiggott appearing full of courteous -peev. Another was one enlarged gentleman of Republican expression. -Another were a very stretched lady whose nose contained great snobbery -amidst eyeglass. - -“It are such pleasant change from our usual wealth to be trotting -behind mild horseback instead of whizzing as usual in expensive -ottomobiles,” she snuggest sweetishly as we jogg off. - -“We prefer this style of locomobile because of its health,” growell -Hon. Spiggott. Yet he attemp to appear hospital. - -At hallway of home Hon. Mrs. Spiggott were enwaiting with face -containing smiles. By the cordial of her behavior you would think -she was glad. “I am so hilarious to see you including your delicious -husband!” she holla with soprano. Kissing enjoyed. - -“We shall have such unaccustomed pleasure in these simple -surroundings!” notate Mrs. Axweilder. - -Mrs. Spiggott replied by looking iced with her eyes. - -“I am glad you have came on such an amiable day for a golluf game!” -deplore Hon. Spiggott putting on sporty cap. - -“Yes. It are going to rain,” say Hon. Axweilder with slump voice. - -“That will make it seem more Scottish,” say Boss man cheerly. - -“On what vacant lot have you room to play golluf in such a -neighborhood?” require Hon. Ax while they depart off looking dangerous -with clubs. - -“This evening,” Mrs. Spiggott explain to Mrs. Axweilder, “we are -determined to give you dinner-party to include Mrs. & Mr. Washington -Whack, very charmed people next door.” - -“Are they related to the Whacks of Tuxedo?” Mrs. Ax cut up. - -“I are not acquainted with their geography,” glub Mrs. Boss. - -“Unless from Tuxedo they cannot live,” describe other lady. - -Mrs. Spiggott reply by thinking unpleasantly. - -“Would you not enjoy slight driveway around neighborhood for observe -country and fresh air?” she require at lastly, as soonly as her voice -ceased freezing. - -“I am always fascinated to see how the other ½ lives,” Mrs. Axweilder -shoot up. - -So I again hitch down Sarah, the horse, and forthly we trotted. -While we elope past sweet gardens & landscapes that visitor continue -gawsping: “Quaint! How comfort people can be for small salaries!” - -“Many persons surrounding here are top-high aristocrats!” snarrel Mrs. -Spiggott. - -“Undoubtlessly!” snuggest Mrs. Ax. “My Uncle Henry lives in country -residence containing 800 rooms.” - -“What are name of it—Sing Sing?” collapse Mrs. Madam with sweetly -smiling. - -Mrs. Axweilder listen without hearing. - -At lastly we arrive up to Cemetery View. Country Club for slight -tea-drunk. I await outside nursing Sarah, the horse, for considerable -hour. At lastly both Mrs. Ladies approach outward with accompaniment of -their husbands who smell quite highball. Both feminines look quite iced -as we go homeward. - -At lastly was dinner-time. I ceased off being coachman and became -waitress, as usual. - -“We only attemp small, cozy dinners in our excluded set,” explan Hon. -Mrs. while 6 persons took set-down to dinner. - -“My dining-room contains 80 people, mostly nobility,” report Mrs. -Axweilder while eating soup. - -Hon. Mr. Washington Whack, who set next by her, twist off his -shirt-button from excitements. While doing so he explain how his family -were similarly to Whacks of Tuxedo. Hon. Axweilder refuse to speak -while feeding his indigestion. Hon. Spiggott steam up his merriment and -tell college-bred tales about humor. - -When all foods was finished all retreated to parlor room where -bridge-gamble was enjoyed till late night. At 1.62 oclock Mrs. -Axweilder call Mrs. Whack an Ace & Mrs. Whack reply peevly, “Renig!” -full of scorns. All make go-home agreeing how enjoyment that evening -was. - -At 2.11 clocktime, while those Axweilders was glad go bed, Mrs. & Mr. -Spiggott set alonesome in parlor room where I could hear. - -“Why do you bring those buffalo kittens to rage around this -neighborhood?” she ask it. “One day more and I shall poison their -foods.” - -“They must get their fresh air somewheres,” he reprieve. - -“Why should they spoil ours?” she snagger. - -“I admit it,” he jar. “What could be more disgusting than Hon. -Axweilder?” - -“Hon. Mrs. Axweilder,” say her. So they go bed thinking so. - -Next morning were churchtime. - -“We have engaged orchestra seats for you at church,” repose Mrs. Madam. -“It will be great treat.” - -“What denomino church is it?” require Hon. Axweilder. - -“Methodist,” say her. - -“We never go Methodist,” say him. “We are Osteopaths.” - -“Then you will be pleased to excuse us,” backfire Hon. Mrs. with -smiling glum. “We dare not neglect religion for those we love.” - -So Hon. Spiggotts depart for church, walking together like chorus -girls. Hon. Axweilders remain in parlor room reading pictures in -comical supplement. - -“Why you brought me to this disgustly place?” require she from him. - -“I agree,” he snatch back. “We should have more fun going to hospital.” - -When I hear this repartee I step forthly into room with helpmeet -expression. - -“Sweethearted Weak-Enders,” I say so, “obtain your hats and baggages -with immediate quickness and I will snuggle you away from here before -they can catch you.” - -“What you mean by what you say?” they require. - -“I observe how you suffer. Therefore I help escape.” This I say. - -“I should muchly admire to go,” he croach, “yet cannot because Hon. -Spiggotts would feel sad to lose us.” - -“Your sudden depart off would grieve them even less,” I tell. “Last -night they included you among buffaloes and mentioned poison while -speaking of you. - -“Oh!!” Both stand up on their stamping feet. They rosh upstairs for -bag. They rosh downstairs with it. I go to animal garage for hitch down -Sarah. - -Pretty soonly church-bell chime forth while Mrs. & Mr. Spiggott return -backwards from there. They observe their weak-end gasts on porch. - -“What—must you carry yourselves away before Monday?” require Mrs. -Spiggott for sorrow voice. - -“Your poor but neat home is no place for zoological buffalos!” stroggle -Hon. Mr. Ax. - -“And poisonous food might be expensive from high price of drugs for -economical persons,” grubble Hon. Mrs. Ax. - -“Who told you this & that?” narrate those Spiggotts shockly. - -“Togo did!” say others. - -“So thanks!” she say so for sweetness resembling flirtatious snakes. -“Please continue your usefulness, Togo, by removing my happy company in -time to catch the time-table.” - -Soonly I arrive up to porch-step accompanied by Sarah, the horse. When -those Weak-Enders and other baggage were loaded in, Hon. Mrs. Spiggott -spoke furthermore. - -“Togo,” she pronounce, “when 1.11 train arrives up, hitch Sarah to the -depot and continue traveling by rail with my dearie friends who can -doubtlessly afford to hire you among their expensive servants.” - -So I spanked up Sarah with expression of one seeking employment where -he is not needed. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - V - - Togo Swats the Fly - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, noble editor who make - fly-chasing delightful among national sports._ - -Dear Sir:—Last Wedsday midnight p.m. were historical date when I bade -sad kiss-a-by to employment from home of Mrs. K. W. Pumphrey, North -Bourbon, Ky. This were too bad accident from my helplessness. - -When I enter this sweethearted home Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey say me, “Togo,” -she relate, “I am most particular about flies.” - -“I am sure you must raise some delicious varieties of these live -stock,” I collapse for chivalry. - -“O not to do!” she renig hashly. “I would sooner have a tiger in my -home than a fly.” - -“A tiger might be more noisy,” I negotiate. - -“A tiger merely contains six claws in his feet,” she snagger, “while a -fly got 10,000 scratchers each containing 10,000,000 germs. From this -you can estimate.” - -I attemp to do so until fatigued. - -“From national science report arranged by boss doctor of John -Hopsmith University I learn considerable valuable diseases which come -from flies. Asthma, miasma, phantasma, connection of the menbranes, -loss of memory, worms (hook, book & ring) hydrophobia, anglophobia, -colic, bibliography, and jaw-lock. All these are brought to homes from -footprints of this poisonous bird.” - -“They should not be permitted to fly,” I abhor. - -“It is not when they fly they are harmful. They do the damage when they -land,” she tell. - -“In this they are similar to aeroplanes,” I snuggest. - -“Perhapsly!” she combust. “At any rates, I give you instructions. -Whenever you see a fly, track him to his hole and shoe him at once.” - -“Only horse-flies can be shoed,” I determinate. - -She could not assimilate this reply I said. - -“Whenever I see flies,” she say furthermore, “I shodder, not so much -for self & husband as for dearie Baby Alexander, who are endanger.” - -“Expect me to fear nothing including flies,” I narrate cruelly like a -Samurai. - -Mr. Editor, when housewifely lady got fears for something she got it -even when it are not there. I once did kitchen labor for one lady who -imagine tramps was somewhere all time. When grocer arrive with order -expression, she holla, “Tramp!” till he say otherwise. She yall, -“Tramp!” when welcoming book-agent peddleman come. One day gentleman -in very tired-looking clothes arrive up to door. She screech, “Tramp!” -and quench him with hose-water. “I am preacher,” he yellup. “I thought -you was tramp,” she oblige. “At my salary I should be,” he negotiate -while walking awayward. - -Thusly it were with Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey about flies. Each morning she -examine fly-paper lovingly like mariners studying charts. - -“How much flies we caught this a.m., Togo?” she ask it. - -“Six,” I say it. “Five house and one butter.” - -“Unloosen Hon. Butterfly,” she dement. “We should not punish nature’s -lovely insex becouse of sins of others.” - -So I grabb that lovely insex and attemp remove him from his sticky -toes. But when I done so he turn meanly and bit me on thumb with hot -end of his poison tail. - -“That butterfly are a wasp!” I lecture amid Japanese word curse. - -“Wasps does little harm,” she say sweetishly. - -“What little they does can be noticed immediately,” I snarrel. - -And so onwards. - -After 2½ days of continuous flymanship I become extremely skilful -in murder. My ears became very bright by listening for flies. At -distance of 66 ft. I could hear Hon. Fly walking up windows. Then was -time for me. My eyebrows containing gunpowder expression peculiar to -Bwana Tumbo, I hide behind curtain-shade with cruel hand containing -swat-stick. Hon. Fly approach, little imagining. Now and occasionally -he stop and rubb his mittens together so they will be more ready to -catch more diseases. Still I await. Of suddenly I arise uply, silently -like eels drinking milk. And then. Swatts!!! - -By this warfare I broke considerable flies and other dishes. - -Hon. Pumphrey, husband, come home saying scorn about flies. - -“What are so fatalistic about this bug all of a suddenly?” he ask it. -“In childhood of youth I was affectionately acquainted with flies. -While enjoying cradle-ride of infancy, flies was allowed to buzz round -my head like angel whispers. And yet I live.” - -“Man who talk like that never had any infancy,” snagger Hon. Mrs. with -peev. - -“If folks in this neighborhood could pay less attention to screen door -and more to window-lock there would be less burglary,” he otter. “6 -homes has been burglarized while everybody was busy snubbing flies.” - -He remove one enlarged coltish revolver filled with bullets and lay him -doggishly on table. - -“O!!!” This from Hon. Mrs. - -“While you are executing flies I shall mutilate burglars,” he narrate -with militia voice. “And let us see who gets it first.” -“Kindly not to point him this way while doing so,” elocute Hon. Mrs. -Madam looking calm but nervus. - - [Illustration: _By this warfare I broke considerable flies and other - dishes._] - -Another weeks go by and I am very much embossed in my work. Once in -occasionally Hon. Fly come walking into home on deceptive wings, yet -I pursue. Sometime I make masher motion with broom & impale him flat -against wall. Other time I allure him gently with towl so he flop to -fly-paper where his feetsteps becomes glue. - -Once Hon. Fly alight downward on Baby Alexander nose, shaking his cruel -feet, intending to leave 10,000 symptoms. Spank! I capitulate that -insex by stroking Hon. Baby on head with apron. Yet he cry without -thanks for my bravery. - -At lastly that house were so scarce of flies you could not find him -without advertising. All day, while not sweeping other rugs, I search -back & forthly with cruel fly-spank. Yet never a buzz was there. Such -was accomplishment of my great science. - -Night of Wedsday approach up. When dinner-eat was accomplished and -dish-wash ceremony done up, my Cousin Nogi arrive to kitchen for make -conversation from Japanese politics while eating cake, kindness of Mrs. -Pumphrey who didn’t know it. Lateness of hour arrive. When time of -11.63 p.m. come, Nogi make sleepy go-home while I emerge to my bedroom -expecting tomorrow, as usual. - -I light gass. What was? Buzz! Ah, Hon. Fly, where was it? I turn -my eyesight behind window-curtain—and sure enough! There stood one -entirely enlarged buzzer washing his front thumbs. - -With sneekret expression I borrow slipper from myself and stole forth. -Crouches. Of finally, when Hon. Fly seem to be looking at his nose, I -lep. Bangs! Yet he was too soon. He flew uply, aeroplaned circular for -moments, and then—when less expected—start to fly outward through door. - -O!! This escape must not! Slightly down hallway were child-room where -Hon. Baby Alexander layed enjoying innocent nightmares. That fly must -not arrive there to sting him with medical diseases. If no hero was -there to save him who must? I must! - -Therefore I rosh forwards with slippershoe in my Samurai thumbs. -With talented stroke of match I lit gass. O yes! There were Hon. Fly -snuggling in air right over eyebrow of that infantile. I make talented -swing to lash him with slipper, yet he were too collusive for me. -Ere I could brush him dead he make slippery-wing motion & flew to -window-curtain where he hide shyly like poets avoiding praise. - -I should get him yet! I crouch downly, my slipper raised uply. But -while I do so—O look! Who there? - -Standing distinctually in doorway of child-room I observe Hon. Mr. -Pumphrey standing like a cold ghost in pajamas. And in his righthand -finger he held that enlarged coltish revolver. - -“What is?” he whasper ghastly. - -“I chase one in here!” I gollup. “He are now coyly hiding behind -curtain of window.” - -“Were he stealing my child?” gawsp him. - -“Not yet but maybe,” I narrate. - -“Wait while I shoot,” he narrate while making target movement. - -“Ah not!” I holla. “Permit me to do so. I have killed several with -slippers.” - -“How foolhardened is courage!” he stotter while I lep forwards. -Swatts!! with dareless heel of slipper-shoe I collided Hon. Fly so -certainly that he broke and fell amidst dead kicks. Prides filled my -lungs. Joyly I reach downly, and pick Hon. Fly by fingers. - -“I save your child without expense!” I naturalize. “Here is!” - -“Here is what?” he require, peevly chewing his breath. - -“Hon. Fly,” I reject, like militia. - -“You mean say you approach in here so stealthly a.m.dnights for catch -flies?” This from him with flashes. - -“I say it!” - -“Great Scotch! And I thought it was a burglar!” he say disappointly. - -“So sorry I could not find one,” I gosp. - -Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey come in while she fainted away. - -“Next time you come into my Baby’s room don’t do so!” she snarrel. - -“Mrs, Madam,” I decry, “how can you talk so crosswise? You tell me how -slaughter flies for their rattlesnakish crimes, yet you say scolds when -I do so.” - -“Midnight is not fly-time,” she narrate. - -“Maybe you are enraged because it were not a burglar,” I snuggest. “Yet -what is more horble to have in house than a fly?” - -“A Japanese foolboy is!” corrode Hon. Mrs. & Mr. in together voice -while dejecting me outside of screen door where I still remain, feeling -quite dissolute. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - VI - - Togo Sails for Bargains - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who tell all American ladies what - to wear, but neglect to explan where they can buy it._ - -Dear Sir:—I am now entirely missed from West Dewberry, Mass, near -Boston where it is. Reason for this are dissimilarity of intellect -caused by Hon. Mrs. Violet Sweet, lovely lady with Harvard voice and -bargain arrangement of soul. I show you how was: - -Last Thusday in the early a.m. of forenoon this Hon. Mrs. Sweet was -setting with Boston news-print reading it up. - -“Oh!” This from her. - -“What is?” I require chivalrously standing near respectful carpet-sweep. - -“Great sales are sailing in all Dept Stores! With immediate quickness I -must depart off and buy one.” - -“Can you afford this extravagance? I ask to know. - -“In buying bargains I never consider costs,” she dib with mustard voice. - -She depart offwards up stairs. Pretty soonly she return backwards -wearing fashionable hobble of clothing. - -“Togo,” she say for gently smiling, “how you like take vacation to day?” - -“This would be good healthy for me.” - -“I generously grant this rest to you,” she acknowledge. “All I require -you to do is to come Boston with me & carry whatever shopping I buy.” - -I a.m.ch obliged. So we depart off by railroad trolley while I carry -suit-case, cloak, handbag & umburella on my polite elbow. She set -proudishly in cars while I obtain rearward seat behind her. Pretty -soonly Hon. Conductor encroach to her with carfare expression. - -“I require transfers, if convenient,” she commute. - -“Not to do, Hon. Lady!” reproach Hon. Conductor. “We never give -transfer on cars of green complexion.” - -“I shall report your backward talk,” she snib. - -Pretty soonly she make turn-around to me. - -“Pass me hand-bag!” she say so. I donate that leather implement. - -She open him up and seek inside with nervous expression of fingers. - -“You lost it?” I ask to know. - -“I cannot dishcover my golden vain-box where it is!” she holla, making -more looks inside. Eccitement. “O here is!” she exclam, bringing up one -slight box resembling golden cake of soap. She open Hon. Suit-case, -remove powder puff and make slight smudge to nose with that delicious -feather. Then she put him back in box, close box, imprison him in bag, -close bag and hand him to me. - -“Give me suit-case,” she pronounce. I poke forth that valuable -arcticle. She open him by brass clasp. - -“Where are my hand-bag?” she require for frights. - -“Here is!” I renig. She open him up to see if Hon. Vain Box are still -comfortable, then close him, drop him in Hon. Suit-case, and thrust him -backwards to me. - -Pretty soonly we make changecar at Porterhouse Junction. We make -step-up into red-headed street-car what await there. - -“Carfare!” holla Hon. Conductor with police expression. - -“Give transfers to this gentleman!” she require from me where I sat -back. - -“Hon. Conductor neglect to give us that paper!” I negotiate. Her eyes -was full of vinegar. - -“How dares you talk repartee after losing transfers?” she denote. So -she give 10c extravagant cash to Hon. Conductor. - -Nextly we came to Boston. Hon. Mrs. Sweet make her feet very determined -and at lastly we arrive to a swollen building containing glass windows -full of wax ladies resembling Newport. Hon. Mrs. Boss say “Oh!” with -raptures and emerge inside. - -Mr. Editor, I never observed so many ladies walking circular as was -inside that Hon. Dept Store. Wholesale quantities of female people was -rushing elsewheres like Suffragettes who lost their general. - -In the meanwhiles Hon. Mrs. Boss were somewheres. I could not tell. -For 26 complete minutes I make search-up while being knocked in both -directions. At lastly I dishcover her by enlarged counter full of blue -polka-dots containing label, “DRESS SILK 19c.” - -“Togo,” she exclam, “where are my money?” - -“No got,” I narrate. Her nose grew angry. - -“Are you so unintellectual that you do not know my money is in my purse -in my handbag in my suit-case?” - -I give her Hon. Suit-case, feeling very sorry for my depravity. - -Nextly we descend up elevator. On next floor I observed a warfare. -Surrounding one enlarged sign pronouncing “Great Slaughter of Waists.” -Hon. Mrs. Sweet see this and holla, “O such happy bargain!” Then she -make inrush while acting like a mob. - -She attempt to remove one refined clothing away from a fatty lady whose -hat was rye on her head. - -“Where you come from to act so Indian?” require Hon. Mrs. Fattish. - -“From West Dewberry, Mass., more better place than you!” snib Hon. Mrs. -Boss. - -“I shall teach you some manners,” report Hon. Fattish making tug-jerk -to waist. - -I could not see that dear Mrs. Sweet thusly deposed upon, so I stand -forth with upturned bundle. - -“Stop off!” I holla to this wide woman. “How darest you be rude to a -lady?” - -Hon. Mrs. Boss and Hon. Mrs. Stout stand offward and look to me. - -“Togo,” ensnap Mrs. Violet Sweet, “when you are called on you shall be -called.” - -So I withdrew backwards and permit her to finish that slaughter alone. -Again she requesh me for handbag. I donate it to her. - -“I shall keep it,” she dib. “You are not safe with valuable -accumulations.” - -So she give me one more swollen bundle for carry and proceed onwards. - -“Where I shall find dish-pan, curling-iron and latest fiction-book -bargain?” she require of Hon. Floorwalk. - -“Three floor down-side take elevator,” he computate. We do so and -arrive there where numerous sell-ladies was there making society -conversation and other crashes of hardwear. Hon. Mrs. Sweet buy -dish-pan, price 13½c. I carry this. She obtain pat toaster, -bird-cage & complete written books of Hon. Rud Kipling. I hang those to -myself. - -“Where I find millinary hats?” she ask out to Hon. Sell lady. - -“Top floor go upwards,” she indicate. - -We do so. I stand back at respectable distance holding Hon. -Bundle-package with fatigued elbows resembling Santa Claus. Hon. Mrs. -set befront of mirror-glass attempting to make herself look Vanderbilt -for $3.29 price. She try hat with roosters pointing upwards. - -“You look very swelled for the price,” say Hon. Sell Lady. - -“Took it away!” commit Hon. Mrs. She try hat with roosters dropping -downwards. - -“So joyful appearance!” suppose Hon. Sell Lady. - -“Remove it!” snib Hon. Mrs. - -At lastly she choose hatwear with roosters surrounding it in circles. -Hon. Sell Lady enwrap it in box resembling trunk and this are piled on -top of me. Thusly we start homewards. - -At doorway Hon. Mrs. say, - -“Oh! I must buy a pin, price 3c!” She elope to counter and do so. - -Mr. Editor do you realize to know how difficult a pin can be? For 41 -complete minutes we await that important sticker, then Hon. Mrs. must -change $5 bill for remove 3c change out. At lastly when we arrive to -trolley outside, Hon. Mrs. require, - -“Togo, shopping are very outwearing work.” - -“I heard so,” was loud report for me while restraining Hon. Hat Box -where he slid on my ear. - -At lastly we was in Porterhouse Junction setting in depot awaiting -changecar. Of suddenly Hon. Mrs. holla, - -“Oh!!!” - -“What was?” This from me. - -“I have lost Hon. Handbag. Elope back to Dept Store with immediate -quickness and remove it from pin-counter where is.” - -I set down all them bundles in pile resembling an Alp. Then I attach -myself to Hon. Trolley and ride back to where she say. - -With Samurai elbows I sidle myself through them broad ladies in Dept -Store and arrive up at pin-place. Oh Yes! There were that dear Handbag -laying loosely amidst pile of needles signed “4c.” I pick him up and -start offwards. - -While I was debutting out of door with Hon. Handbag on my proud wrist, -one gentleman clasp me by coat. - -“You are a shop snatcher!” he acknowledged glubly. - -“I cannot assimulate your insult,” I renig. - -“Where you obtain Hon. Bag?” he snuggle. - -“He belong Hon. Mrs. Boss who is there!” I snagger. - -“Come long to penitentiary!” he gubble, making dragging movements with -my wrists. - -“Hara kiri!” I yall, and before he could be more abominable I give him -jiu jitsu and knock him over a bargain. Then I commence eloping away -with talented foot-steps. - -“Stop Mr. Thief!” several human persons holla, and nextly I knew I -were a runaway with Boston attempting to catch up. I am a very sly -Japanese, Mr. Editor, and when I was sufficiently entangled amidst -streets I redoubled on myself and escape away to other sections of -Boston where crimes was not noticed. 2 complete hour of time I hid -there amongst flats. Then I emerge forth and catch redheaded trolley so -I should meet Hon. Mrs. at Porterhouse Junction. - -“Why you not stay all day?” she require sarcastly. - -“Should gladly do so, but Hon. Police prevent,” I advocate. - -“You got my handbag where was?” - -“Yes, please!” I gave it forth to her. She look at it with disjointed -eyes. - -“Living sakes!!!” This from her. She enjoy deep gasp and faint off. By -slight water-sip I revive her back. - -“Damaged remnant of heathenish immigration!” she gollup, holding forth -Hon. Bag. “Where you snatch this article of luggage?” - -“Off from Hon. Pin-Counter,” I say so. - -“I never seen it before. It belong to someone else!” - -Thusly revolving she fainted out again. So I left her to enjoy it by -herself and sklunk away feeling entirely impossible. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - VII - - Togo in Bachelor’s Hall - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who must believe in shooing - bachelors from neat homes with other flies and mice._ - -Dear Mr. Sir:—If you make inquiry for me at home of Hon. C. J. McGumm, -Philadelphia, N. J., please do not go there, because needless to find -me where I no longer am. I changed my mind from that job of employment -for reason I say here. - -Hon. Mrs. C. J. McGumm are blondface lady of considerable young years -and very goodhousekeeping mind. Her Hon. Husband (of similar name) are -the only untidiness she cannot sweep off from carpet when attacking -cleanliness. - -“Why are you so rubbish, Hon. Darling?” she require each nightfall when -he retreat home from office with tired business appearance. “When you -are in house all furniture cease to act obedient like it should and -everything become deranged apart. Door-knob then become hat-rack for -your derby, your coat wanders to sofa and fall asleep, while shoes will -be found under piano kicking mud.” - -He act entirely sugar to her. He reply to her inquiries by kissing -expression of mustache, and they talk dove-dove language, which explain -everything by not doing so. - -But at lastly explodes came. - -“Must marriage always be a cyclone?” she require one morning a.m. when -he threw newspaper in gas-log with negligée expression. - -“Hon. Heartsweet!” he snuggest, “I wish be comfortable in my own home.” - -“So ha!” Weeps enjoyed by her. “Then you do not love me some more!” - -“Why is?” he repostulate. “Must I prove adoration by acting miserable -around house?” - -“You are becoming more detached from me each day, I notice,” she -lamentalize. “I can tell by your easy, smiling manner that you think -of me too seldom. You break my house rules continuously. Instead of -setting in hard, cheap chairs, you occupy wedding plush rocker, price -50$, which should be used only by society when it calls; you make -smoke-cigar whenever you feel smoky; all time you read prize-fight -instead of talking love to me, and each meal you demand apple pie with -insurgent expression.” - -“But I like apple pie,” he snuggest. - -“Formerly you loved nothing but me,” she snatch. “Now you forget you -are married.” - -“Must I refuse to eat because married?” he snagger doggishly. - -“So ha!” she dib for pain. “If that is where your thoughts are staying, -then all must cease. Farebye! Hence forthly you shall find me c/o -Mother.” - -She arrange hat with traveling expression and make bang-out from door. - -While she depart off Hon. McGumm stand by window-glass looking very -Romeo. Sadness showed from his ears and chin. Then suddenly he resolve -around, making humorous smiles resembling tickled hyenas. - -“Ha, ha,” he say so. “Tee Hee and Ho. She imagines to think home cannot -be properly heated without a woman. She thinks shucks. Togo, we show -her how. We shall now run this house man-style instead of lady-style. -Bachelor Hall are only proper residence for male gentlemen.” - -“I am agreeable for this,” I report fearlessly. “How should we begin -changing the sex of this home?” - -“Signs of refinement should be removed with immediate quickness,” he -devolve. “Remove ribbons & home-sweet-home portraits from wall and -order 6 cases beer. In attic you shall find complete college-boy outfit -of Indiana clubs, box-gloves, and love-me pictures. These shall be -arranged in parlor to resemble saloon and other outdoor sports. Prepare -for dinner-eat tonight 10 lbs. complete beefsteak & 9 apple pies, -served with poker-chips and onions. To night at 7 p.m. I shall give -annual banquet to members of Yamma Yamma Fraternity of which I was a -joiner in days of manhood.” - -“I shall do so with all the crudeness of my nature,” I alarm. - -“Banzai & hurrah! We are free!” holla Hon. McGumm while he depart to -office looking happy but lonesome. - -Mr. Editor, you scarcely could imagine how I work to make that tender -home look tough. Up in top-garret I find considerable Yale tools. One -university row-paddle, 6 box-gloves, college pendulums with hurrah-rah -signatures on it, portraits of class days, dogs, chorus-girls, -and other prizefights all signed “To Darling Chas.” Also several -German-speaking beer-gobblers and one landscape representing Hon. Gaby -des Lys at a horse-race. - -I fetch these to downstairs. - -From parlor-room I took considerable art, representing several -mother-portraits, portrait of “Innocence” representing childhood -playing romp, portraits of an Alp by Aunt Sapho Lutz and considerable -photo of McGumm uncles enlarged from their ancestry. Also fire-screen -containing gilt, and tidy-cloth embroidered with artistic yarn. Also -red splush albuum and several framed-up mottos from Shakespeare, Elb -Hubbard & Genesis. - -I fetch these to upstairs. - - [Illustration: _When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie all - require, “What the matter with Togo?”_] - -With considerable talent resembling dry-goods draping windows, I -derange decorations for that parlor-room. I pile beer-bottles to -piano and fill jardenair with cigars. A rude house motto reporting -“CAMELS ONLY DRINK ONCE IN 78 DAYS BUT ENJOY IT LONG TIME” I sat on -mantelpiece where portrait of Hon. Ralph Woodrow Emerson once were. -Hon. Punch Bag I roped from chandeleer, while landscapes representing -actor-ladies, dogs and other glee clubs I disarranged esthetically -where was. I set parlor table with food-plates and decorate him -in central middle with box-gloves and college pendulum containing -joy-cries. Poker-chips by each plate. - -That room look considerable unmarried when I finish him. - -At promptness of six o’clock I elope to kitchen and commence mingling -steak with onions. At 6.22 I hear war-song resembling feetball, and, -peaking fourth from kitchen, I observe Hon. C. J. McGumm bringing home -a Varsity. - -“You remember that dreary date of ’99 when I bursted your collar-bone?” -require one polar-bearish gentleman hugging Hon. McGumm till I heard -him crack. - -“Them were hilarious days,” commute Hon. Boss. “Let us give rah-rah.” - -They do so, while plaster jar loose from spoken song. - -When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie, all require, “What the -matter with Togo?” - -“Nothing, no more than usual,” I snop for dignity. This seem to -make them still more thirsty, so beer was sipped amidst Yamma Yamma -congratulations. That ceremony were done very quietly while tablecloth -was burning from heated cigarette. - -“There was nothing to equal bachelor enjoyment,” explain Hon. C. J. -McGumm while doing so. - -“Nothing,” report one Taft-shape athlete. “I announce my engagement to -Miss Tessie Dewberry.” - -“We also shall marry in springtime,” pronounce 2 others distinctually. -Slight glum settle over all until basso quartet make song-sing entitled -“Soldier’s Farewell,” which add more jolly. - -“Let us play penny-aunty as in oldtime date,” snuggest Hon. Boss. So -they do so with considerable card. - -Mr. Editor, I cannot understand this gambol. It are like golf, a game -spoken in a foreign language. - -Considerable pile-up of poker-chip was enjoyed while one man say “I see -you!” yet look other way. They set for long lateness gossiping about -Aunty amidst click-click noise. It seem very tame exercise, less cruel -than feetballing, but more expensive. - -By one a.m. time my eyes got hypnotized from watching this -straight-flushing amusement, so I retired my head on chair and slept -away. - -At 3 a.m. by clockwork, I awoke upwards with basso quartet retreating -off with song-sing entitled “Good-night, Lady!” Yet I could not see -her. - -Next morning 8 a.m. Hon. Boss Man say he no care for breakfast in -dining-room because it make him feel destitute. So he took egg and -coffee in kitchen. He say he would be home indefinitely, so he depart -off for office seeming entirely unmarried. - -I took look at the appearance of that bachelor parlor. Considerable -rumpage was observed there. Quite several cigars had remained where -they dropped and 26 bottles stood by gas-log looking quite vacant. -Portraits of dogs & glee-clubs hung on wall in unequal position, -resembling sea-storm. - -What must I do with this room? I think Hon. Boss had told me whether -Bachelor Hall should ever be clean. Maybe not. It certainly look less -ladylike than ever in this deranged condition. Perhapsly Hon. Boss -should be entirely enraged if I attemp to broom & dust this compartment -he had took so much pains to masculify. - -So I set by table, lit slight cigar, and read pugilist paper while -upturning my feet. As thusly I reclined I did not hear something coming -in front door. - -“O!!!**??” - -I peek upward. There stood Hon. Mrs. looking less peaceful than hornets. - -“Hashimura Togo, what species of brutal debutchery have you been doing -in my absentee?” she snarrel. - -“I no do!” I say so. “Hon. Husband do!” - -“Do not add untruthfulness to your falsehood,” she snuggest -snap-turtlefully. - -“I have read in papers about the distrustworthiness of Japanese -servant-girls. But now I know. O!!! I leave my poordear Husband for you -take care of. And thusly you neglect him. How he must suffer!” - -She cover her hands with her face. - -“I swear it, Mrs. High Boss, your Hon. Husband—” - -“Do not swear before ladies,” she snib. “Now depart away while I faint.” - -I do so feeling entirely decapitated. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - VIII - - Togo at the Seashore - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who know how cook delicious - varieties of seashells._ - -Dear Mr.:—Among the fresh air at Sandflea Beach, Conn., employed by -Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Liddbeater, I am no longer to be found at that address. -If some one could find a seashore without an ocean attached to it I -should be more happily to remain. - -Nikkamura Japanese Employment Agcy send me there, where I arrive to -smiling blue porch setting alonesome amid winds. The internals of that -house resemble bleached almshouse, yet Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater say she -were fortunate to obtain it in fashionable location price 200$ monthly. - -“While by seashore we love the tough simplicity of life,” she snuggest -with sweat-hearted expression. “We must pay expensively for our -discomforts here, yet we are prideful to do so.” - -“This place resemble Coney Island, yet less fashionable,” I report -for compliment while observing girl-i-gig machinery on beach, candy, -flirtatiousness and clams while Hon. Ocean bounce up suddenly making -suds. - -“It are splandid place to come for rest,” she report. “Now kindly -to fetch 8 trunks upstairs, split wood, lynch hammock on porch, and -deliver 14 buckets water from artizan well 11 blocks up street. When -this are finished lunching can be prepare for 10, rugs beat, and -ice-cream friz for party tonight.” - -I thank her and feel sure I shall enjoy this vacation from work. - -These Liddbeater family have got two (2) children of assorted sexes, -age 17 & 18 respectfully. Eclaire are girl name and Oliver his. Both -wear very giggling clothes and love to be engaged. She got Stanhope -Whifflebudd, deliciously matinée boy, for hers, while Hon. Oliver -obtain sweetheart attention from Hon. Bluebell Vawk, youngly lady of -extreme tango. - -All those frivolled young persons take rest by not doing so. Each -evening they must attend Prof. Pffuster’s Waltzing Academy for more -education in new Max Itch dance, which are all the enrage. Daytime they -must enjoy tennis-play, walking, quarreling, and other excitements. -Only time they remain quiet is when they go swimming, for this they can -do by laying on beach under umburellas. - -But when Fryday night arrive up my vacation become considerably more -entangled. From out from depot emerge Hon. Mr. Liddbeater with tired -business expression while reading Wall Street news from paper. - -“Markets are decomposing rapidly while I am here,” he snuggest. “Unless -I rest very laboriously I must go back to my unhealth.” - -“What shall we do to make you feel entirely idle?” require entire -family together like chorus-girls. - -“At 4.06 tomorrow a.m. high tide shall arise and codfish will be biting -viciously,” he say so. “Therefore we go fishing.” - -Groans by all. - -“Maybe you prefer to enjoy your seasickness alone,” renig Hon. Mrs. -Madam with Pankhurst expression. - -“Darling, I could not,” he reprieve. “I am determined to share my -pleasures with my family. Therefore we arise upward at 3.30 to be -prompt with hooks.” - -That midnight was night for party where I friz ice-creams, served -slight rabbits of Welsh birth, assisted chairs where tangos was -jumping, play “Robt. E. Lee Polka” on pianola, and was otherwise -considerable talented. By 2.26 I retire upwards to my box bedroom under -cooked roof, where I remained outside my dreams till 3.31. - -At 3.30 come tap-knock to door. - -“What is it?” I require with startle. - -“3.30!” holla Hon. Liddbeater voice out there. “Arise to go fish!” - -“Do fish get up so early?” I ask to know. - -“They bite best this hour,” he explain. - -“I should also bite!” I snarrel. - -“I do not pay you to make injurious comments,” he snudged while I -hastily coat & pant myself for day labor. - -All was there awaiting for breakfast with extreme appetite. When this -devouring was finished Stanhope and Bluebell arrive up with flirtatious -hats expected to attract fish. - -“Togo,” demand Hon. Liddbeater like Napoleon, “while we fish you shall -go along and whittle bait. Also prepare lunching for 10 and be very -impromptu about it.” - -I do so and we nextly go to shore where I must carry complete lunching -including baby and umburella. Pretty soonly we arrive to detestable -whaleboat being kept by salted gentleman resembling damaged admiral. - -“Will this boat hold 12?” require Hon. Boss Man. - -“So easily!” corrode Hon. Navy. “It were built for six.” - -Therefore all was compressed in while we chug with gas-perfumery to -central middle of ocean. - -“I have feeling of slight squash,” narrate Hon. Bluebell when we were -five miles among rolls. - -“I hold your hand for it,” report Hon. Oliver, looking pale but poetic. -He do not seem to accomplish much medicine by this. Hon. Bluebell -become yet bluer. - -All the ocean seem to tip up on one side as if it was going to spill -into California. Something inside my interior stumack seem to speak -of my dead ancestors. And look! Each stylish person of that cruise -begin concealing their happiness by laying down on it. Groans. Yet Hon. -Liddbeater continue to make happy cheek and smiling lip resembling Hon. -Edw. Foy seeming comic. - -At lastly he motion Hon. Salt Gentleman to choke his engine. - -“This are the exact patch of waves where Thos Cod came to chew their -cud,” he explaned. “Therefore, Hon. Capt. stop boat. Togo, while all -other fishermans lay dying, you shall cut baits attractive to fish.” - -“If convenient, Mr. Sir,” I bereft, “I should prefer to join the other -groans.” - -“Continue to fish-hook or I discharge you!” he dib. - -“If you would discharge me back to shore I would bless you in -Japanese,” I gargle. Yet he horribly threw me clams, unhappy mammals -which I must amputate with dull knife while spearing them with -disgustly hooks. - -Hon. Liddbeater lit pipe of very enraged smell. Groans by all. - -“Nothing like pipe-smoke while fishing!” he say for smiles. - -“I notice,” is feebly voice from me. - -Pretty soon Hon. Boss make electric movement with wet string. He bite -pipe more cruelly while halling in one enraged cod who mock him with -angry mouth. - -“A beautiful fish!” he yellup joyly. “All see it!” - -All those sicknesses report “Um” with unhappy nose. - -“Are he not beautiful fish?” he ask it to me. - -“Perhapsly when younger,” I disengage while holding my head on. - -Of suddenly Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater arise upwards from pillows like a -fried snake. - -“For sake of your children,” repeat her, “I ask you to cease making -clams and people and Japs and fish miserable for selfish joy of your -depravity. Put us somewheres where we can run away.” - -“Fishing cannot be accomplished by running away,” he deploy with -Samurai expression. “I never depart off until I have caught 14.” - -“O!!” yellup Eclaire looping beside Stanhope and looking less engaged -than usual. “Drowning would be painless after this.” - -“If you drowned I could save you,” dictate Stanhope looking very pale -Yale. - -“Any shipwreck would be welcome,” mone Oliver greenishly. - -“Will nothing stop off your mulish fishing?” require Hon. Mrs. waking -up from her death. - -“Unless the boat sinks I shall stay remaining here until I catch 14,” -he growell. - -That ocean now look entirely double to me and I could feel my courage -rolling around inside my lung. - -“If the boat sink I be much obliged!” gaggle all together like -chorus-girls in hospital. - -“I know how!” I holla with suddenness of intelligence. “By preparing to -swim you shall snub those 14 codfish!” - -Thusly exclamming, I lept uply & grabb hammer where it layed sleeping -beside lunch. With nimble ankles peculiar to heroes I jump to bung-plug -in central middle of that boat. Whacks! Uply sprung plug quite -corkishly and next came huj sprout of salt Atlantic approaching inside -like giganterous fountain. - -“Brainless species of mice!” reproach Hon. Mr. while attempting to -brush out ocean with heel. Yet already Hon. Boat resemble bath-tub -where all set in lake. Alarming wakefulness from seasickness was next -to arrive and—before I could acknowledge—each person make flop-splash -to water including me who was there amidst swimming while Hon. Boat -turn over on his nose and float up-down. - -I save Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater, lady of large tonnage but considerable -floatage. Hon. Oliver save Hon. Bluebell. Hon. Liddbeater save himself. -Hon. Eclair save Hon. Stanhope. Hon. Captain save Hon. Bottle. So -everybody were quite comfortable, thank you, hooking their nails to -stumack of that boat. But where was room for me? I continue onwards -splashing doggishly. - -“Why should it?” I holla with water-spouts. “I save you from sick-death -and yet you will not support me on your floater.” - -“Get off of!” snagger Hon. Mrs. giving me crude push with heel while I -attemp to sclutch. - -“Did I not stop fish-catch?” I bubble frogfully. - -“We can be sifficiently miserable without you!” narrate Hon. Oliver -while making water-polo across my head. - -“You are discharged!” howell Hon. Liddbeater. “Report to my office in -New York for your payment.” - -I hear this ingratitude with extreme compression of soul. How difficult -it are to be useful when not required to do so! Therefore I would snub -them with my immediate departure. - -Thinking thusly I struck offward in gen. direction of New York and when -lastly seen I feel very free, although expecting to be drowned. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - IX - - Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper, who help make civilization with soap._ - -Dear Mr.:—Another place where I am no longer at is Rahway, N. J., -working for Mrs. H. Griddle, cultured lady. - -I tell you why I am removed. - -This Mrs. Griddle to who I came determined to do Gen. Housework, have -got considerable musical ambition inside her voice. She do all her -housework at the piano. For continual hours each day she set there -making soprano, compelling her voice to do following gymnasium: - - AH - yi yi - yi yi - Hi ah!!! - -More of this is to be continued. She say vocal culture require great -endurance. She contain more of this noble quality than I can. - -Washday arrive up to Griddle home by each Monday a.m. when Hon. Maggie -Kelley approach to laundry prepared to drown all clothing in suds. -This lady, who contains 6 feet complete muscle, is a scrubber of great -talents. She say she was deprived of her husband several years of -yore, because he beat her frequently. I should like to observe that -athleetick gentleman. - -A wash lady is something I prefer not to be, above all professions. - -But last Monday it was arranged for me. - -“Togo,” dictate Mrs. H. Griddle, stopping her soprano sifficiently to -speak, “you will kindly give ade to Hon. Maggie today in clothes wash -ceremony.” - -“O thank you not to do so!” I declare with pathos. - -“Why so?” she snagger with Mary Garden expression. - -“This Hon. Maggie treat me without chivalry. How could I be assistant -scrub beside her haughty actions?” I resolve. - -“Either do so or deprive yourself of this job,” she holla, departing -off in high Key of C. - -I find Hon. Maggie lady in laundry preparing to suds. Redness appear -from her hair and arms while she look to me with cross expression -peculiar to a eagle watching an angly-worm. Then she lift wash-boiler -from stove showing energy like Sandow juggling automobiles. - -“Jap,” she reproach. - -“Yes, Sir!” I pronounce. - -“Was you sent here to look beautiful or to be helpful?” she ask out. - -“Not sure—Mrs. Boss did not instruct me which to be,” I report. - -“I will instruct you!” she growell like a lady menagerie. “Become busy -as soonly as possible. You will find a clothes-ringer annexed to yonder -tub. Attach yourself to the handle and ring the cloths earnestly until -I tell you quit.” - -She point to one slight machinery resembling a hand organ with pianola -rolls. I wind this instrument continuously. Nothing evolve. - -“O Mrs. Madam, I cannot hear the bell!” I suggest. - -“Which bell please?” she otter. - -“You tell me to ring the clothes, not so?” I ask it. - -“I despise you for your yellow mind!” she dib. “Clothes does not ring -when you ring them!” - -I could not assimilate the way she said it. She lift several drowned -clothes from the tub and show me with considerable muscle how to squash -them through those rollers. Clothes, however wet, can be sent through -that machinery and emerge forth with great dignity like flat snakes. -I turn crank handle continuously while Hon. Maggie make poke-in with -wettish clothing. I enjoy great pain in my wrist and elbows, and when -I commence to quit, this laundered female say “Faster” with bull dog -expression. - -Pretty soonly I lay down my hands and stop. Her mad eyebrows snub me. - -“Hon. Mrs. Wash,” I renig, “why should you be more cross and peeved -than other persons?” - -“Togo,” she say so, “my duties require it. Cleaning things is a job -full of tragedy and other grouch. It would be unnatural to laugh while -washing. Clothes is pleasanter to wear, but unpleasant to scrub. It -is similar with everything. Dishes is joyful to eat from, but nobody -admire them when hour of dishpan arrive. Nobody love Monday, because it -is sacred to splash and suds, yet if Monday was abolished by Congress, -there would be no beautiful society on Saturday night.” - -“Can’t some variety of soap be invented with more poetry in it?” I -require. - -“It could,” she dib, “but it would probably be useless to take the dirt -out.” - -Hon. Mag fill tub with artistic color from blue bottle. - -“While you are idle you can do something!” she holla suddenly like a -steam whistle. - -“How could I do something when idle?” this inquiry from me. - -“You see that baskett of clothes?” She point forth to one baskett full -of complete whiteness like a bushel of damp ghosts. - -“I observe what is.” - -“Take them immediately for hang-out!” she otter with gloom. - -“What should I hang them out from?” I require. - -“Maybe you are not acquainted with clothesline!” she say sarcastly -while she led me forth to back yard where she introduce me to -this useful rope. “If I knew I was to come to this place to be -washing-instructor, I should demand teacher’s salary,” she pronounce -glubly. - -“That would be nice job for deserving widows,” I say for politeness. -Yet she seem less ladylike. - -“To hang clothes,” she instruct, “you must first lift them one at -a time from the baskett, grasping them by both ears—thusly.” She -show how. “You shake him twice, snap—snap!” She demonstrate this -with considerable clothes-shake. “Then you buckle him to line with -a clothespin on each ear.” She fill her mouth with clothespins, and -then she lift one tablecloth by his ears, shake him brutally with her -pugilistic hands, and nail him to clothes-line like she said so. - -“You got sifficient strength enough to do this?” she require snapply. - -“Maybe-so, yes,” I report. - -“If not, I give you the prize!” she say, eloping to house without -telling me which prize she meant. - -I put all my intellectual mind on this clothes-hang job. It seem to be -light, agreeable job for Japanese Schoolboy—simply to lift a clothes -by his ears and glue him to rope with clothespins. But suddenly I was -reminded. That Clothes-line was 7½ feet in highness, while I stood -merely 5 feet in lowness. How should I get up there without flying -machinery? - -I observed a step-ladder sleeping quietly by kitchen window. It -was a very diseased-looking furniture with lameness in one leg and -several ribs fractured by too much exercise in open air, yet it was a -step-ladder. I removed this piece of stairway to underneath clothesline -where I put him. Then I poked six (6) clothespins in my mouth like -wooden cigars. Then I took one pillow case from baskett, shook him -rudely by his ears and ascended upwards. Hon. Ladder wubble on his sore -leg, yet I enjoy no fear, because I am a brave Japanese. With gestures -of extreme courage I pin Hon. Pillow Case to that stretched string -where he clung with beautiful purity peculiar to washing. - -I began to love this clothes-hang performance. It seemed so nice and -healthful to do housework outdoors amidst backyard scenery and gentle -summer breeze. It was very superior pleasure for me, making up and down -hops on that ladder with agility resembling birds. - -So I continued onwards near my duty. With extreme earnestness I -suspended following clothing where they hung lynched upon line: - -1 tablecloths (slightly dragged on ground, yet quite pale). - -9 towels (one of them dropped, but was nicely brushed afterwards). - -3 sox. - -4½ pillow-case. - -While standing tip-top on that ladder I was enabled to observe Nature. -It are wonderful how tall a short Japanese feels while standing on a -ladder! I could distinctly see over fence into next yard where Hon. -Swede lady employed for cook by Mrs. J. C. Camel was making flirting -conversation with Hon. Ice Man. I also observe Hon. Cat obtaining -slight refreshment of cream-pitcher from window while that Swede was -too interested. I stood in joyful trance holding wet sheet while biting -clothes-pin like wooden sigars. It make such inexpensive enjoyment for -cool summer day to stand on ladder beholding other folk’s business! - -In the midst of everything Hon. Swede Lady turn off suddenly and see -Hon. Cat. She made rude “Shoo!” with voice, and Hon. Cat were so -offended he fell from window in the midst of milk pitcher and extreme -breakage. With immediate quickness he made rabid scoot for fence with -tail enlarged like a comets. “I shall attach him for you!” I holla to -Mrs. Swedish—but soonly as I did so—O calamity!! - -I lean too forward and Hon. Ladder stub his toe and broke lame leg -with loud scrash! Bereaved of my support I make wildly grabb for -atmosphere, Hon. Clothesline was where I struck, so I clasp him with -tense affection. And there I was, hanging among clothes, swinging my -legs with motion peculiar to wet stockings. Hon. Maggie Kelley observe -me in this dangled condition. - -“Git downward!” she snuggest. - -Before I could reproach back, Hon. Rope bursted and I was anticipated -to ground so forcibly that I sat there wondering what. Entire -clothes-line seemed to surround me with damp washing like a wounded -sail. Hon. Maggie making hysteria, seize bottle of wash blue in her -prize-fight hands and approach a.m. screaming war cries. With howell of -great intensity she threw that sky-colored liquid to my head, covering -my nose and eyebrows with splashes of brilliant art. - -Next she rose to house and obtain broom. When I seen that female club, -I lost my connection with that home. I lep forwards. I fled off. I swum -over the fence with great skill and continued to elope elsewheres. -Farebye to that job! - -When nextly seen I was 2 miles Westward setting among woods attempting -to rub wash-fluid from my forehead which was blue. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - X - - Togo Coaxes Down the Cost of Living - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine who desire to make high-life - less costly._ - -Dear Mr.:—Please address all letters to Fineheimer Employment Bureau -where I am looking for it, as usual. Sorrow for me. Sometimes I think I -am like a shoot-gun, merely make to be fired. - -When last seen I was employed at home of Mrs. Ethel McManus who reside -with her husband, Mr. Ethel McManus at Honeyville-on-the-Hudson. They -are a very matrimonial couple of people. They were married only a short -time of yore. Therefore they are living in midst of wedding presents -which they are trying to use as furniture. How superflous! - -“Togo,” say this lady to me, “I hire you because we are too poor to -live without a servant.” - -“How smart idea!” I report with chivalry. - -“Yes,” she repartee. “I learn this wisdom from newspaper: ‘A good -servant will save Hon. Housekeeper $6 a week.’ Acting on this advice I -hire you for $5 a week, which make following arithmetic: $6-$5 = $1. -Therefore I have cleaned up $1 a week by transaction.” - -“If you kep 20 servants at that rate you could save sufficient to keep -ottomobiles,” I pronounce joyfully. - -“I have oftenly thought of that,” say this bridish lady. “But I think I -shall begin gradually on 1 servant and see how much I save.” - -“I permit you to retain all you make off me,” I suggest for generosity. - -“Your duties,” she utter, “is to keep high cost of living as low-down -as possible. I expect you to buy food for our home, and to purchase -it with such financial cuteness that everything will cost less than -formerly. When Hon. Beefsteak cost 28c per lb. I expect you to chide -him until he become more reasonable. Hon. Chicken must walk down from -his 37c perch if he wish to join us at our table. Potatus, string-bean, -butter and salad must also act less haughty in their prices if they -wish to associate with us on bill-of-fare. Could you manage this for -our household?” - -“Japanese are great diplomatists,” I report. “I am willing to approach -the problem with intense stinginess.” - -“The duties of a servant,” repeat Mrs. McManus with expression of -old-age peculiar to brides, “the duties of a servant is to come into -more affectionate contact with butcher, baker and icer. Thus tradesmen -might be coaxed into sharing with Housekeeper that profits which they -now selfishly keep in their business. You will arrange this.” - -“I am willing to promise anything,” I collaborate. - -“Each morning after dish-wash ceremony is over & Hon. Furnace is fed -for the day, you must promenade with basket to market where High Cost -of Living resides. It is useless for you to squander $2 here & there in -reckless provisions. I read in newspaper this morning how one delicious -and nourishing lunch for 3 persons might be bought for 50c, including -cost of gas to cook it with. I shall try it today. My Hon. Aunt Augusta -are expected here at noon. I require you to make miraculous meal for -her. Here is 50c. Take it and be economical.” - -“I could not be extravagant under those circumstances,” I renig, -compressing the ½ dollar to my pocket. - -“Be as hasty as possible,” she beseech when I depart. - -“It should take no time to make 50c go a long ways,” I encourage. -“I shall saunter among markets making storekeepers jealous by my -independent behavior. Then I shall promenade homewards and commence to -cook.” - -I do so and this is what I done. - -I spent 5c trolley fare and arrive to shop of Hon. Fritz Schultz, -prominent butchery. I discover this wealthy meat-person standing -befront of his store making sweet whistles. - -“O Hon. Mr. Sir,” I commence, “your soul feels very musical this -morning.” - -“A butcher’s soul is like his sausage,” he confab, “full of strange -and wonderful surprises. Also I must feel slightly poetical because -Spring have arrived to my store.” - -“Spring,” I snagger. - -“Ah, yes,” he say off. “Beholt the signs of Spring in my window.” - -I notice several. One say: “SPRING LAMB!—Marked Up to 42c.” Another -say, “SPRING CHICKEN—Formerly 18c. Reduced to 27c.” - -“Why should meat behave so heavenly?” I reproach. “It is continually -soaring beyond.” - -“The Trusts—they are greedy about making profits,” he say, arranging -his necktie, which was full of diamond pins. “The Trusts are to blame, -as usual. What can I sell you this morning? I shall be willing to part -from some delicious pork chops for twice that they are worth.” - -“At such a price pork should taste like venison,” I suggested. - -“Have you got any food for sale that is less ostentatious?” I acquit. - -“Corn beef,” he report. “That homely dish can be obtained for 22c per -lb.” - -“I shall take 1 lb. please,” I order. - -“Umpossible!” he disorder. “My corn beef come only in 5 lb. patterns.” - -My soul drop back, completely flabbed. - -“Ain’t you got nothing that I can buy for 15c?” I gosp. - -“How you insult me!” he gollup, wiping meat-axe with rage. So I depart -off before chop occur. - -It was now 11:30 by clock-time and I had not yet obtained that 50c -lunch. I spent 5c more trolley fare arriving at Nusbaum’s Butchery. -This leave me 40c with which to do so with. - -“What you got for 15c which is sifficient to retain 3 persons, mostly -ladies?” I ask from Hon. Nusbaum. He look to me with fatty eyebrows. - -“I can give you 3 nice mutton bones for that price of money,” he report. - -“Can food be made from mutton bones?” I ask it. - -“If properly prepared,” he renig, “they are delicious. First they -should be boiled for 4 days in extract of beef, then stuffed with -chicken giblets, olives, muskrooms, raisons, and 12 fresh eggs chopped -finely. The cost of this dish are as follows: - - Bones 15c - Chicken giblets 1.50 - Muskrooms .75 - Eggs .65 - Raisons .20 - ———— - Total Extravagance $3.25” - -“You call this cheap dish?” I holla nervely. - -“You would be surprised to see how cheap it tastes!” he suggest while I -walk away from that conversation. - -I stand with my 40c remainder on sidewalk and wonder what next. Ah! -Vegetable lunch is most delicate for invalids and full of economy. -Therefore I shall go to place of Hon. Cyrus Goldthwaite, groceries and -vegetables. I arrive there by trolley, which cost 10c because I lost my -transfer. This subtract me down to 3c. - -“What wish?” require Cyrus Goldthwaite, with spectacles. - -“How much would 3 potatus cost?” I negotiate. I was sure those -vegetable would be nourishing, because Irish eats them and remains -quite warlike. - -“They come in all sizes,” suggest Hon. Goldthwaite. - -“Give them to me about ladies’ size,” I suggest, because I knew they -was for a ladies’ lunch. - -Hon. Goldthwaite hand forth 3 gentle-looking potatus. - -“23c” he require. - -“O, Hon. Groceries!” I abject. “Ladies cannot live on potatus alone. -I got 30c with which to obtain lunch for 3. From this I must extract -5c for trolley home-trip. What bill-of-fare can I purchase for 25c -remainder?” - -“Sardines,” he say, “are nourishing but they tastes lonesome without -crackers. These rare fishes costs 20c per box and sifficient crackers -to chaperone them would cost 7c. This would leave bonus of 3c for salt. -Or if you would think it more delicate you might obtain ½ lb. cheese -at 18c and 1 potatus at 7c.” - -“I am completely puzzled by this arithmetic,” he said. - -“Maybe I should telephone to Mrs. McManus and find what is,” I say so. -So I do so. - -“Hullo!” - -“Yes.” - -“This is Togo.” - -“O!” Chillbite voice. - -“I wish to ask, please, what you would prefer as nourishment? Would 2 -potatus and one box crackers seem more sifficient than ½ lb. cheese -and 1 potatus?” - -“For which meal, please?” she snib. - -“For lunch, please,” I expose. - -“Togo!” holla blond voice from telephone, “as it is now 1:45 in P. M. -and my guest has already went elsewheres in search for food, I can see -no sensible ratio in your horseless remarks. How dare you show your -face a.m. telephone under such conditions?” - -“Be more calm to me,” I besearch. “You sent me forth with 50c to save -money from food. I done so. If your guest went away without lunch, she -saved you that much. Which were very economical. When you substract 25c -from my traveling expenses you will still have 25c for profits on the -day. Thusly I save you from your luxuries.” - -“You are talking a vacuum,” she strongle. “There is _one_ luxury you -shall save me from in future.” - -“Which luxury is that, please?” I deploy. - -“You!” she snagger abruptly. Bang-up for telephone. - -Hon. Goldthwaite charge me 10c for that telephone. Which show that high -price of talking is also increasing rapidly upward. - -With my remaining wealth I advance hopefully forward towards Fineheimer -Employment Bureau which I am always welcomed. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XI - - Togo Becomes a Fire Hero - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who saves more homes than - insurance._ - -Hon. Dear Sir:—Another place where I am habitually absent can be found -at home of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Susan J. Fogg, Turnverein, Conn. I was burnt -away from that place because of my heroism. I tell you how was: - -This Mrs. Fogg lady reside with her husband and furniture in a -residence, which are covered with extremely wooden decorations, which -talented sculptors have cut out with saws. She say it is one Queen -Annie house. Perhaps so it is. Maybe this Annie were empress of Coney -Island to build such merry architecture. - -Hon. Mrs. Boss are considerable proud of her house & what is inside. -She got an elaborate number of plush picture-frames containing photos -of Homer. Also she got cute jugs and pitchers walking over shelves & -tables resembling decorated bugs doing so. Her dining room are full of -cut-up glasswear to resemble swollen diamonds. Over mantel-peace are -portrait-face of Uncle Seth, famous hero, who was scared to death in -Battle of Bully Run. - -“Home,” she say so to me on date she hired me for employment, “Home -should be full of objects to resemble soul of sweet lady what keep it.” - -“What a romping soul you must have!” I exclam for chivalry, while -rubbing eyes to observe purply curtains and reddy carpets. - -“My house is nearly all furnished with wedding presents, birthday -tributes and auction bargains of happy days,” she tell proudishly. “I -value them for dear associations.” - -“Dear associations seldom match in color,” I narrate. She did not -assimilate those words I said it. - -“For instancely,” she go onwards, “there is painted fire-shovel with -snow-scenery from Grandpa’s farm. I would not take considerable for -that shovel.” - -“How much has you been offered?” I ask to know. - -But she was thinking elsewheres. - -“Togo,” she otter with serious eyebrows, “there is not one drop of fire -insurance on this house!” - -My heart stand on end for this informations. “Then it would not pay to -burn it!” I gosp. - -“Daily and nightly,” she agnosticate, “I worry with brain for fear some -spark or blazes might walk into my home and burn all my sweet art and -dear menorandum to zero of ashes!” - -“I shall smother all arson with great cruelty,” are fire-chief promise -I make. - -So Hon. Mrs. Fogg donate to me one smallish volume of book entitled -“First Ade to Fires.” This literature, which is bound in 4th of July -color, tell me following information about fire when he gets loose: - - “Chimbleys are most dangerous articles to have around a house because - they gets clogged with soot, thusly causing inflammation of the roof - which creates blazes and burns insurance. Total loss. Best way to put - out a mad chimbley is to sprinkle salt down him until he quits. - - “In case of houseafire, human folks must be saved before all other - furniture, because they are most combustable. This can be did by - throwing wet blanket over them and dragging them forth. Valuable - heirlooms can be saved from burning house by taking them out.” - -I read this instructions, Mr. Editor, and feel prepared for anything. - -This Mrs. Fogg got one Irish cooklady name of Hilda Katz. Hon. Hilda -are beautiful, except her face and figure, which are not. She enjoy -very sorry romance, because of Hon. Wm., a hack-driver, who drove away -with another fiancée and remain there. Consequent of this, Hon. Hilda -weep & cook nearly all time. - -“Togo,” she report to me, while making tears and pies, “never promise -to marry any gentleman in the livery-stable business.” - -“I shall avoid this peril firmly,” I narrate. - -“67 doz assorted love-letters this Wm. sent me. And what usefulness are -they now?” Weeps by her. - -“They might make a sad novel, if printed among pictures,” I say so. - -She peel onions with Romeo expression. - -But I were too busy being a fire-detective to think of Wm. and his -escape from love. Nearly each hour by clock-time Hon. Mrs. would come -to me and talk underwriter language: - -“You hear that smell of smoke?” she require. - -“It smell like New Haven Railroad burning dividends six miles away,” I -say with syrup voice. - -One day, my Cousin Nogi give me sweethearted gift of one valuable -cigar, price 5c. cash-money. I nourish this dear tobacco very carefully -in pocket and await till late night-hour when I could smoke him in my -room & think of my ancestors. So I lock door, open window and do so. In -midst of puffs I hear something. - -Knock-knock! This noise by Hon. Door. I unlock lock and gaze outside to -where Hon. Mrs. Fogg was there with kimono & pale eyebrows. - -“Some odor is burning in this house!” she gollup. - -“What perfume of smell do it resemble?” I ask it. - -“It resemble a fire among dry goods,” she gubble. - -“Be calmly quiet,” I negotiate. “The smell you heard was merely only -slight gift-cigar I smoke in honor of my Cousin Nogi.” - -“I would avoid such a cousin,” she snib with nose. “Blow out gas and go -to bed at oncely!” - -I could hear her peevishness by her feet as they walked. - -It were nice, balmish evening of summer weather when Mrs. and Mr. -Chas Hassock, neighborly persons of quiet fashion, was there to play -bridge-gamble amidst society clothing. Hon. Mr. Fogg, medium gentleman -with tame whiskers, were also there acting like a husbandman. - -Bridge-card resume for several hours while those 4 persons sat there -calling each other “Trumps” and other American insults. - -O suddenly!! what was that my nose smelled? Inflammatory smell of fire!! - -With iced brain I recall what “First Ade to Fires” said about mad -chimbleys, so I rosh silently to outside house to see how ours were -behaving. O surely yes! Hon. Chimbley were shooting sparkles & -pin-wheels from his enraged bricks! - -What I do then? With immediate quickness, I rosh to dining-room and -grab 2 salt-sellers in my courageous thumbs. Making my toes extremely -swift, I clomb ladder to roof & scramble along shingles with care -peculiar to Thos. Cats. Then, by heroic movements of wrists, I pepper -considerable salt straight into the face of that mad Chimbley. Yet he -still continue on making Vesuvius out of himself. - -What nextly must I do? I think of that fire-volume which say, “_Human -folks must be saved before all other furniture_.” - -So I scomper to bed-room, dragg forth one complete blanket & soush him -in wet water of bath-tub. With these blanket held in my firm knuckles, -I ascended downstairs to parlor where Hon. Mrs. Fogg set in her marcel -hair and considerable expensive face-powder calling Mrs. Hassock a -“Renig” in bridge-language. - -With wetness of blanket, I stand behind Hon. Mrs. Fogg. - -“What for?” she holla when she seen me. But before anything else could -collapse, I wound wettish blanket round her head. - -“Gog!” she report with strangely voice. Yet, before she could narrate -more, I had drogged her forthly to fresh air. - -“What is the meaning of this meanness?” require Hon. Fogg. - -“Meaning of Fire!” I yellup. “Why do you stand there making speechless -talks, when your home is sparking?” - -At this oratory of words, everybody begin making hook-and-ladder -movements. Hon. Fogg grabb bird-cage and pair of tongs. Hon. Mrs. -save 3 plush albums. Hon. Hassock attemp to remove sideboard, but it -were nailed to floor. Hon. Mrs. Hassock rosh down street breaking -fire-alarms out of telephone poles. - -But I were more Sandow in my strength. With Samurai knuckles, I grasp -cabinet full of cut-up glasswear and roll him down front steps to lawn. -Loud crashes! Thusly was valuable dishes saved from fire. - -With deer-foot heels, I eloped upstairs to bedroom and begin pouring -entire household out of window. Mattrass, pitchers, rugs, etc., fell -like Niagara falling. When I threw forth family water-color landscape -representing the face of Aunt Nerissa Hodges, it make boomerang fly-off -and struck on head of Hon. Fogg which went through. Too bad. - -I were just in the heroism of poking brass bedstead through pane of -glass, when Mrs. and Mr. Fogg escorted by Mrs. and Mr. Hassock and Hon. -Hilda Katz, cook-lady, suddenly encroach into room and seeze me. - -“Platoon of brainless mind!” they all hiss like circular snakes. “Who -inform you this house were blaze?” - -“Did I not see Hon. Chimbley spitting rockets?” This from me. - -“Sakes of shucks!” commute Hon. Hilda contemptibly. “That were not -house-afire. That were merely me burning negligent love-letters in -kitchen stove.” - -Grones by all. - -“So my house are not afire!” report Hon. Mrs. for disappoint. - -“So sorry!” I regret. In distant midnight I could hear rural -hose-carriage approaching with gongs. “Maybe there was no fire, but -this were very useful practice. Also I was enabled to show you the iced -quality of my intelligence. If there had been some fire, I should put -it out!” - -“You have put nearly everything else out,” sorrowfully Hon. Mrs., -looking outside to moonlight where the entire interior of her home lay -scrambled on the lawn. - -Hon. Fogg gargle with his teeth. - -“Since you are so talented at putting things out,” he suggest, “perhaps -you can place yourself elsewheres with immediate rapidness.” - -I oblige. When nextly observed, I were setting in R. R. Station -awaiting for morning train and feeling quite roasted. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XII - - Togo Makes Discoveries - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, whose mind thinks recipes._ - -Dear Mr. Editor:—When Hon. Chris Columbus dishcovered America, he do so -at his own risk. It are muchly the same with Gen. Housework—all persons -must be entirely careful about what they find out, because they can’t -always do something with it. I know because I try. - -My last former address was home of Hon. Mrs. J. B. Cluck, Canton, O. I -am now employed there as an absentee. Mr. Editor, you and your magazine -are blame for the miserable anecdote what happen to me there. I tell -you, Mr. Editor Good Housekeeper, how was: - -This Hon. Cluck lady suddenly approach up to me last Tues. a.m. & say -with voice, - -“Togo,” she say so, “I am delightful reader of Good Housekeeper -Magazine.” - -“You are one in several 1,000,000,” I snatch back, with expression of -rapid circulation. - -“In this wonderfully home-made periodical,” she divulge, “I are -frequently suprised to read one department name of ‘Dishcoveries,’ -what tell considerable knowledge to ladies what require to make -housework unexpected. This month ‘Dishcoveries’ give bright recipes on -following subjects: - -“‘How to make pincushions from potatoes. - -“‘How to keep moths out of moth-bags. - -“‘How to make babies cry by music.’” - -I assimulate her words with eyebrows. - -“It seem insulting to sell so much wisdom for 15c,” I contuse. - -“Recipes like this,” decry Hon. Mrs., “are good ways to know. Every -servant girl, whether male or female, should read those ‘Dishcoveries’ -& attempt to do so also. New things can be thought of only by thinking -of something new. Therefore, remember I expect you to make some useful -‘Dish-covery’ each week you are in this home.” - -With such language, she suddenly eloped away, leaving my hands in -thoughtful dishwater. - -Mr. Editor, it are easier to be Shakespeare than Edison. Hon. Shak. -merely composed poetry, but Hon. Ed. has to compose inventions what -actually go when expected to. - -When Hon. Mrs. Cluck require me to think up some Dishcovery, I were -completely flabbed to find what was. Nearly everything seemed to be -already thought of to make home easier—hot water, ice man, gas, etc. -Brooms was there to sweep with, foods to cook with, each thing for to -do so. When I look around that home, all full of everything, I feel -like North Pole after Hon. Doc Cook was there—nothing else left to -dishcover. - -That week my brain grew sidewise from too much originality. Yet no -useful thought come up. - -With frequent occasionality, Hon. Mrs. Cluck approach and dement, - -“You find that Dishcovery yet, Togo?” - -“Great explorers requires overtime to do so,” I relate. - -No intellectual reply from her. - -Wedsday pass, Thursday pass while Fryday & Satday proceed in similar -manner. At last it was Sunday. - -This Sunday are devoted to stay-home amusement by Hon. Cluck, who are -a bald-haired gentleman of medium oldness. He spend this vacation by -setting in slippers and enjoying quarrels he is too busy to attend -to other days. When these is finished, he reads comical supplements -until fatigued by humor, when he spreads Hon. Happy Hooligan page over -his bald hair and commences to snore. This program are enjoyed to any -extent while Hon. Mrs. telephone her Mother to explain how sad her -marriage was. - -“Jas!” holla Hon. Mrs. to Hon. Mr., last Sunday while he was leaping -from one nap to another, “Why should you save your snores for your -Wife?” - -“You comfort me so I cannot keep wakeful,” he smooth back. - -“Do you snore while being comforted by a—stenographer?” she gollup so -quickly. - -He said nothing very well. - -“Oh!!” This from her. “If I could dishcover some way for to keep you -from going to sleep every time you sat in that chair, I should be -submerged by much gratitude.” - -I was standing in next room near keyhole trying not to listen when I -axidentally hear her make this dialogue. - -Zizz!! Intellectual flash arrive to brain: I should make one Dishcovery -what would give Hon. Cluck happy-home wakefulness when setting in that -chair. Banzai! I stogger backwards with Edison feeling of thumbs. - -Next a.m. while Hon. Mrs. were absentee at Dept Store squandering money -on hair-pins, I approach Hon. Chair where husband love to dream. With -artistic hammer & nails, I attach Hon. Chair to rope in next room which -were pulled by neat derangement of pulleys. He were a Mawruss Chair, -full of pads and very fat, and I was proud to see the expression of -calm comfort what he wear while setting there awaiting happy home-come -of Hon. Mr. Cluck. - -When Hon. Mrs. Cluck arrive back for dinner that evening, food were -absent, for reason because I had been too busy with importance to think -up such triful. - -“Why you no cook for eat it?” she require with hawk voice. - -“I have cooked something more grand than merely stomach food,” I -snuggest. “While you was absentee, I have been preparing something -elegant for the brain to chew: I have made a Dishcovery!” - -“O narrate it to me!” she collapse for vasty excitements. - -“Not to do!” I holla. “Such thoughts must be delivered by express to -editor of Good Housekeeper Magazine.” - -She glub slightly, but I was firm. - -“If you have time to spare from your scientific study, please prepare -what hash there is in the house for food which is 2½ hours late.” -She say it. - -At 6:47 hour, Hon. Cluck return back in usual mood of joyless -anticipation. He say several nouns expressing lateness of Japanese -cookery, then he remove off coat, collar, neckbow & shoe-ware, -expecting to put on house slippers and smoke-jacket and manufacture -comfort. - -“If Togo shall be till breakfast preparing dinner, I shall go to my -Mawruss Chair and enjoy slight kitten nap,” Hon. Mister glump. - -“If you had more regular profiles, you would be a sleeping beauty,” -contuse Hon. Mrs. - -“If this home was run right, it would not be run down!” combust him. - -“If you was not a fungus, you might be a genius,” detone her. - -I were deliciously relieved to hear them talk that way, because I knew -they would get so interested in unpleasantness that Hon. Cluck would -forget to go sleep in Mawruss Chair until after dinner was ate. And -then I would have time to show my Dishcovery. - -And so it was. While I prepare what hash I could find, Hon. Cluck spent -time pacing backwards and reverse with expression peculiar to Admirals -on July 4th. At lastly dinner set himself on table while Hon. Cluck -devoured big dinner amidst usual steam-roller grumbel about my unhappy -cooking. - -“Can’t you recall some sweet language to make marriage pleasant?” renag -Mrs. Cluck. - -“Marriage are only pleasant when he are asleep,” he peruse, looking -expectfully to Mawruss Chair. - -When it come to pie time, I could already observe dormatory expression -of lodging-house crowling over fatty face of Hon. Boss. Yawns by him. -Stretches. At lastly, he arose upwards, lit cigar, rubbed his tired -business eyes & started for library. - -“I think one slight, little nap in Mawruss Chair will prepare me,” he -say so to Wife. - -“Prepare you for what?” she dib back at Hon. Husband. - -“For go to bed,” he resnort. He make sluggardly walk toward Mawruss -Chair. - -Now I knew it were time for activity, if my Dishcovery would be useful. -So I ran with silent speed of cats towards other room where end of -rope was. Through library door, I could see Hon. Chair setting there -with dimpled pads. I grabb rope detatched to pulleys what led to Hon. -Chair. Next thing I could see Hon. Cluck back up towards Chair, stretch -lovingly, and crouch his knees as if intending to set down. But he -wasn’t. - -YANKS!!! With hero strength, I pull rope which cause Hon. Chair to -sidle backwards on castor. Consequence of this was large. Hon. Cluck, -suddenly dejected from his set down, fell on his collar button, -arriving to carpet so hippo-ponderously that entire home were jarred -loose. - -“O darling Mr. Husband, are you gone?” require Mrs. Wife, lopping over -him with heroine expression peculiar to Julia Marlowe. - -“Can’t you tell I am here by the noise?” he gubble. “What spirituous -medium has came here to pull away my chair with unseen hands?” - -“I do it!” I explode with great quickness suddenly emerging forth from -curtains like primadonna making first entrance when band play with -great exuberance. - -“_Why_ you done it?” Both Hon. Mister and Hon. Mrs. spoke together like -mad chorus girls. - -“It was fault of you & Good Housekeeper Magazine!” I snuggest to her. -“Did you not tell me every servant girl should make Dishcovery of -something needed in the home?” - -“Perhapsly I did,” Hon. Mrs. rosp back with question-mark. - -“Did you not tell Hon. Husband something must be did to keep him from -sleeping in Mawruss Chair after big dinner every day?” - -“I said thusly.” - -“Well!” This from me. “I have cooked up an Invention what will keep -Hon. Sir from all snores. Reward me, please!” - -For immediate payment, Hon. Cluck arouse up with voice peculiar to -zoology. He annexed me by the seat of my collar & left me outside where -I stood long time. - -Mr. Editor, if you wish this Dishcovery for your page it will be yours -for the cheapness of dirt. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XIII - - Togo’s Thanksgiving - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who keep cheerful in spite of - Holidays._ - -Dear Sir:—While annual yearly date of Thangsgive approach up, I enjoy -pain in connection with my memory. Americans act so peculiar when -thankful that I am not insured what to do. For instancely, I tell you -what collapsed to me last Thanksgive Thursday: - -I were employed for Gen. Cookery at domestic kitchen of Mrs. & Mr. -Romeo Goober, East O’Rora, Ill. - -“Togo,” say Hon. Mrs., approaching up to me, “tomorrow shall be -Thanksgive Day.” - -“What are origin of this joy?” I ask to know. - -“Pilgrim 4 Fathers first invented it,” she report. “In historical time -of 1492, Hon. Miles Standish were setting on Plymouth Rock. ‘We have no -foods,’ decry Hon. Miles. ‘I have no appetite,’ snuggest Hon. Jno. W. -Alden, assistant Pilgrim. ‘We should be thankful for that!’ negotiate -Hon. Miles, so Thankful Thursday were manufactured from that date.” - -“How you shall celebrate this patriotic festival?” I require. - -“By eating it,” decrop Hon. Mrs. “The more we eat, the more patriotic -we become. On that Thursday date America are thankful about all sorts -of calamities, while families group themselves around turkey to express -gratitude and cramberry sauce.” - -“My heart stands upright to think of such cheerfulness!” I resort. “I -shall rejoice tomorrow for to observe one American dinner where Kick & -Peev are not invited.” - -“Tomorrow we expects to celebrate as usual,” she report for sweetly -smiling. There will be 8 to dinner, to include my fattish Uncle Seth -who equal 3 more. All my relatives is most sneerful particular about -foods. So now will you please elope immediately to market for buy one -turkey-chicken of 26 lbs. complete tenderness, 4 qrts. cramberries of -delicious sourness, 6 bunches celery-weed, and sufficient punkens to -construct 2½ pies?” - -I go. At Gouge Bros. Market where was I observe sign, “FAT TURKEY 35c.” -To see this, I feel very humorous about that High Cost of Life. - -“Such delicious cheapness of bird!” I negotiate to Hon. Butcher who was -there. “At such rates, how much would 2 turkies cost?” - -“$22.80,” he report for immediate arithmatic. - -“Do you not promise fat turkey for 35c?” I rake off. - - [Illustration: _“Have he not been constantly on ice for 2 yrs? Nothing - could be fresher than that,” depose Hon. Butcher._] - -“35c per lb.,” he snagger financially. - -“I should like one (1) lb., please!” This from me. - -“We do not sell broken sections. You must purchase complete bird, price -$9.80.” This from him. - -“At such rates, folks can get rich by starving,” I snagger. - -No response from him. He go to ice-box and fetch forth one enlarged -fowel without any clothing on. - -“This are nice fresh turkey,” he satisfy. - -“How you know he fresh?” I snuggest. - -“Have he not been constantly on ice for 2 yrs.? Nothing could be more -fresher than that,” depose Hon. Butch. I buy. - -He sell me expensive celery-bouquet, price 75c per cluster. It seem -disrespectful to eat such valuation. Also precious cramberries, price -$1 for seldom quantities, added to $2.50 worth punkens for pie. I -promenade homewards, carrying this valuable butchery and hoping no -burglar would see me. - -While I was thusly straggling along with burdened back, one assorted -dog, name of Hon. Fido, snux up behind of turkey and made smiling -sniff-nose. - -“Shoo!” I report. Hon. Fido stood waggishly saying nothing, but looking -at Hon. Turkey with flirting eye. I was joyful to observe this, because -Hon. Shakespeare say, “Them what dogs loves must have many tender -qualities.” - -Date of Thankful Thursday arrive up. By early a.m. of dawntime I arose -up and commenced. All a.m. that assorted dog, Hon. Fido, set outside -screen door. I permit him. I arrange Hon. Turkey to polite position and -stuff his surprised interior with decorated crumbs. I satisfy him with -salt & pepper. - -About time of afternoon p.m., I could hear several thanksgivers -scraping their footprints on rug. Their feet sounded quite hungry, -yet I could not hear any words spoken more cheerful than Sunday. Hon. -Turkey now send forth smiling smell of bakery, and I was glad to assist -his importance. - -Pretty soonly all take set-down to table. - -“We got much to be thanksgiving for,” report Hon. Goober with sharp -knife. “Dinner is late as usual.” - -“Too bad weather are so full of dishagreeable qualities!” grubble Aunt -Hannah with golden teeth. - -“It were not thusly when I was a boy,” report Uncle Seth with grone. -“Please pass the celery.” - -He make smack-taste of this foods, then flop it back with snubbed -expression. - -“I have tasted no respectable celery since 1841!” he holla baffably. - -All enjoy depression by this report. - -Next course was oysters, served with considerable rawness. Cousin -Fred’rck make jab to these shelled fish. - -“Don’t!” holla Aunt Eliz, making horror with her nose. - -“Why should not?” require Cousin Fred’rck while he swallow up. - -“You are so young and yet dead already!” ollicute Aunt Eliz. “Toe-main -poison are sure to resume from this.” - -“Food contained less poison when I was a childhood,” negotiate Uncle -Seth. - -“Bygone days has went!” extract Aunt Eliz with si & grone. - -I go to kitchen for bring in delicious mulligantawny soup what I -bought. While I were pouring this hot beveridge in plates, I notice -slight smell of burn. It was Hon. Turkey in oven, becoming too -feverish. So I took him out and put him by window where he be more -comfortable. - -I fetch soup in plates to all those thanksgivers. - -“Canned!” they yellup together with voice of sad chorus girls, while -thrusting away plates. - -“Nothing is real any more!” narrate Uncle Seth with dyspepsia. “Even -turkies is deceptive. When boyhood days elapsed, I can remember how -we was accustomed, on Thanksgive morning, to salute Hon. Turkey by -chopping him in kneck with ax. We knew he was good to eat, because -we seen how fresh he acted. But no more. Today, turkies lives like -Eskimos—spending their old age on ice before meeting civilized persons. -No respectable bird-dog would eat them.” - -I enjoy considerable alarm for this thanksgiving speech. Then, -courageous like a Samurai, I retreat to kitchen for fetch forth Hon. -Turkey. Hope thrilled my wrists and elbows as I entered kitchen for -escort that sublime turkey—but O!!! I stand gast. I look to window -where I left that sacred bird. Such things could not! And it was. Empty -pan stood there, seeming entirely vacuum. Hon. Turkey had flewed away!! - -I rosh by window and look earnestly to back yard. Yes!! With thankful -expression of tail, there stood Hon. Fido abducting Hon. Turkey across -alley by wing. - -“Come backwards!” I yellup. Hon. Fido show no impression from my talk. -I lep through window 7½ feet to outside. Quickly reassuring my legs, -I retreat after that slyly doggish annimle, but he scromble up fence -with hooked claws resembling cats. Too late for me! Turkey had escaped -from my Bulgarian catch-up. - -Mr. Editor, heroes is most brave when reporting failures. I do -this considerably. So I drag together my soul and encroach toward -dining-room, where I could hear those 8 thanksgivers complaining about -everything. I walk in there carrying empty pan. Uncle Seth were just -saying, - -“Turkey are not what he used to be in 1868!” - -“It are painful to look one in face!” report Aunt Eliz, while all agree. - -“Banzai!” I holla, poking forth vacant dish. “Your digestion shall -avoid this agony.” - -“What is?” all exclam while leapting to their feetware. - -“You should all be very thanksgiving,” I snuggest. “You have been -rescued from considerable preserved poison by one patriotic dog what -sacrifice himself by eloping with Hon. Turkey before he could be ate.” - -“Kill the dishonest mammal!” all gollup with thankless expression. - -“Why you should want I kill dog for stealing turkey you do not -require?” I ask with Teddy Roosevelt voice. “He should be gave medal of -Pilgrim 4 Fathers for eating a bird you would not dare to bite.” - -“Then you mean we shall have no turkey?” snagger all. - -“You shall be spared that calamity,” I say off. - -“How lonesome Thanksgive dinner seem without him!” mone Uncle Seth. - -“How can we fill his vacant platter?” sobb Hon. Mrs. “I should be -thankful for Hon. Turkey, however tough!” - -Just while she say this—crashy!! Loud sound of approaching dog heard -from kitchen window, and Hon. Fido with waggish tail trott into -dining-room, carrying that enormalous bird in his careful teeth. He lay -that absent fowel reverently a.m. feets. - -“Hon. Fido do not care for this enlarged chicken, so he bring him -back,” I report. - -“Dinner are now spoilt!” decry Hon. Mrs. - -“How could you speak it?” I research. “When turkey go, you say, -‘Dinner ruined!’ When he come back, you say, ‘Dinner spoilt!’ I am -impossible to understand about American customs. - -“You have Thanksgive dinner so you can set around making bewails. So -foolish to do! Why you no choose this date for to kick out Misfortune?” - -“I shall do so!” abrupt Hon. Goober, arising upwards. “First Misfortune -to kick will be in your direction.” - -Next he rejected me through window by force of Swedish jiu-jitsu. Hon. -Fido arrive by next kick, and Hon. Turkey flew afterward, striking me -on hair so earnestly he left me quite brainless. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XIV - - Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine who must realize the extreme - difficulty of keeping home dull,_ - -Dear Sir:—I have leaped so continuously from jobs to jobs since you -last heard from me that I am becoming a very talented bounder. The -nearly last place to which I was attached rejected me away because of -my extreme industry in sweeping carpets while company was there to -sneeze. Boss Lady at that place was kind but brutal, so she give me -following letter of recomment to quit with: - -TO WHO THIS MAY SUPPLY:— - -This introduces our Mr. Togo (retired). If you want to see what a -housemaid he is, try him. He is capable of anything. Please treat him -like I did. - - MARY L. MONTFUSSER. - -Next place where I took this note were home of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Wm. -Vanderbitt Jones, residing in very swollen location located near Aspic -Falls, N. J. That neighborhood was so formula that it make me feel -quite English while approaching up to it. I was included into rear -entrance amid buttlers, where Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones, crystalized -lady of expensive beauty, arrive there and require, “You unstand how -serve tea?” - -“Tea are favorite drunk of Japan,” I exaggerate pridefully. “It are -served there with ceremony——” - -“It are served here with tango,” she snib stylishly. “Did you ever -learn how?” - -“Never yet,” I nudge, “yet I can quickly learn to include that amid -cream & sugar.” - -“How irritated!” she snib while making her fingers touch her -fashionable hairs. “Howeverly, since it is too late already, you must -remain staying.” - -A English buttler without any H in his words took me to long room and -show me how pile up furniture and remove off all explosive glassware -from table. - -“Why you make so much removal?” I ask to know. - -“When tea-drink begin they commence dance,” he acknowledge. - -“Tea never make persons dance in Japan,” I snagger. - -“It are only commencing to have that effect in America,” he explain. -“But in 1914 it are fashionable to have it go to feet when swallowed.” - -I were chewing this education with my brain when confused varieties of -Smart Setters arrive up with enlarged limousine hacks and make ha-ha -handshake including Vernon Castle expression. - -I notice great absence of that stiff-souled dignity peculiar to -Japanese Ambassadors when thirsty for Oolong. Everybody acted like a -divorce and some ladies appeared considerable Geisha. - -Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones stand by rugs, with flirting expression and -say, “Howdy, Freddy,” whenever Newport clothing arrive up. Musical -orchestra from behind palm-bushes commence play “O You Gabble Gabble -Glide” and nobody could prevent misbehavior of feet. Considerable -gentlemen then obtain seizure of considerable ladies and commence -circulating with stride away expression of knees. - -“If this is tea where is it?” I require from my soul. No answer as yet. - -My eyes equaled Sherlock’s in search of that beveridge which should -be there. I could not detect. No appearance of steepage, cup-saucer, -sammyvar, or other tools for making that hot sip. Yet somewheres -I could hear dice-box sound peculiar to small icebergs clattering -together. O yes! I saw. Coyly concealing behind palm-bushes I observe -considerable buttler shaking up tea in silver jigglers to include ice. - -Pretty soonly lady & gentleman arrive up full of fatigues from so much -slouchy-slouchy dance-step. - -“We will take slight tea,” they dement from Hon. Buttler. - -“What variety, please?” he require servantly. - -“Martini,” snuggest those couple. Hon. Buttler pour. More pairs of -persons emerge up. More shakes with ice. More gobbles. More dances. - -Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones, formerly very clam-eye and Buckingham -in her appearance of silk clothing, abruptly seize one smallish -dance-gentleman and become more Geisha than all others collapsed -together. - -“It are tango who put the tease into tea,” renounce one gentleman-boy -twirkling by with lady-girl. - -“You are very Bernard Shaw today, Edgerley,” she report back with -eyes. “Of formerly it used to be deliciously difficult to compel men & -husbands to come to tea. Now you cannot keep them away with weapons. -Why is that swift change?” - -“When the tea goes out the tango’s in,” he define, attempting to wear -wit under his moustache. - -It was very hard science to describe this tango-waltz when I saw it, -Mr. Editor. It are similar to a minuet danced by eels. Angry elbows -seem to be slipping around everywheres while each ladies and gentlemen -seem to be walking sidewise without intending to go there. Such -chuckly movements of ducking away from music amid bounces! Such clutch -and jolt containing great poetry! I could not unstand how persons -could do this American jiu-jitsu without injurious breakage of their -personality. And yet no ambulance was called. - -While I stood thusly composing thoughts, Hon. Buttler walk to me with -side-face moustache similar to Hon. Chauncey Depew when not joking. - -“While you are doing nothing you should not stand idly around,” he dib. - -“You wish me dance also?” I snuggest. - -“I wish you to go to royal reception door downside and permit entrance -to all calling guests.” This he say with voice so expensive I feel -entirely bankrup. - -So I go downside to reception door where I set long-time for lonesome -company by the knob. Occasionately that music play so flirtatious that -my feet misbehave. Pretty soonly came ring-ring to door. I admit. -In come lengthwise gentleman with Woodrow Wilson expression and -black-front necktie peculiar to clergy. - -“What name, if any?” I ask to know. I made my voice show insults -peculiar to fashion. - -“I am Rev. Mr. Scornaway, of St. Lucre parish,” he deliver. “I have -came to tea as usual on Wedsday.” - -“This is no place for a clergy,” I dictate warnfully. “You can save -your reputation by taking it away with you.” - -“What do you mean by your meaning?” he snagger. “Do not Mrs. Vanderbitt -Jones’s cards say Tea on Wedsday?” - -“This are not the kind of Wedsday you think it is,” I abrupt. - -“Poor benightied heathen!” he narrate. “Have I not been arriving here -for tea for the last twenty (20) years since date when Hon. Cyrus J. -Jones was President of National Distrust Co.? Have I not been here to -talk church-work with elderly ladies while setting down amidst famus -statesmen and talk on topics? Have I not met most greatest dignity in -America within this house?” - -“You will not meet them now,” I clabber, “or if so they will be doing -something else.” - -“Pleasantly permit me to pass inside,” he snarrel clergetically. - -“O not to do!” I holla with Samurai knockles preventing his -forthstepping. “If I relate what horror that tea is now doing you will -not dare to go inside with your profession.” - -“Tell me the entire!” he commit bravely. - -“They are making tango!” I whasper with ears full of frights. - -Hon. Rev. Mr. express great sternness in his jaws like a reformer -fighting Indians. - -“Let me get at them!” he growell. - -“O joyful!” I acknowledge. “Then you are determined to stop it?” - -“No!!” he gargle. “I am determined to dance it!!!” - -I collapse backwards to setty chair and permit him to advance to middle -of music. For 13 1-8 minutes I remained stationary attempting to fan -away my faint. Then considerable bashido filled my forehead and I leapt -to my footwear. Upstairs to dance-hall parlor I go. There, surrounded -by sidesteps, hand-clasps, whirligig promenades, eye-gaze, romp, Vienna -tunes and acrobats I observed Hon. Rev. Mr. circulating in clutch with -Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones. Determinely I advance to middle of and stand -befront them. - -“Hon. Mrs. Madam, if conveniently—” I commence to be interrupted. - -“What is?” she require, continuing to circulate. - -I am obliged to make delicious dance-motions so I can keep up, yet I -pursue near her. - -“If convenient I quit,” is reprove for me. I must now double three -loops and whirl my arms bias to remain next. - -“Why you don’t quit without application to me?” she ask it while -2-stepping. - -“I wish tell you my feelings before departure,” I reject while gliding -my feet onwards and twining my chest in stroggle to follow her closely. -“I shall not be a servant in such a fidgetty home. I shock! What is -becaming of America? Instead of sipping tea, as formerly, they dance -it. Instead of enjoying sociability with brain they do it with feet. -They act midnight at five o’clock. Preachers come to preach and stay -to prance. Therefore, I remove myself to some other jobs.” - -“Jeems!” Hon. Mrs. holla to Hon. Buttler, yet still continue fantango -whirling, “here are Japanese schoolboy who should be discharged to -music. Tango him down back steps.” - -Nextly I knew I were embraced by that tense Englishman without any H in -his voice. While music burst up into runaway tune, Hon. Buttler show -me tango so rapidly I did not know my ears from my knuckles. O such -musical scuttle-step, back-walk, elbow-jounce, and twist-vine movement -towards outside side of house! And there I suddenly arrived followed by -orchestra-sound including kick. - -So I 1-step away with bursted gracefulness peculiar to lame duck. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XV - - Are Turkey-Waltzing a Dance or a Convulsion? - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who must have many subscribers because he - know that where there is Life there is Blood and where there is Blood - there is Circulation (free joke)_ - -Dear Mr.:—The Japanese Patriotic and Educational Suicide Club, of which -I are correspondent Secretary last night give a waltzing cotillion -and lemonade (25c for extra ladies who drunk it) at Rising Sun Banzai -Association Hall. Considerable fashion of yellow complexion was there -with Sadikichi’s Brass Orchestra to play it whenever we danced it. -Excitements. - -Considerable Japanese schoolgirls was fetched there by that nationality -and I was deliciously shocked to see how American they looked. They -wore crippled skirts of considerable thinness and their shoulder blades -seemed absolutely destitute. I fetch Miss Ruby Fujimuto, Japanese lady -of aggrevated beauty, with me for escort. When she removed off her -opera-house cloak, I look at her with my expression all braided up. - -“Ladies should be praised for their economy,” I corrode while observing -the cloth that was not there. - -She curbed up with bridle expression. - -“You no like the way my neck is cut?” she snagger, showing peevness by -her soprano. - -“Your neck is not cut,” I narrate. “I know because I can see it all.” - -She seem less engaged to me than formerly and eloped away to make -dance-step with J. Haro, Japanese photographer. - -Hon. Sadakichi’s Brass Orchestra make music resembling roof gardens. - -At that moment of time I could observe how everybody was dancing. They -seemed to be jouncing in couples, making crowd-up walk with occasional -slouchy-slouchy motion while their eyes said “How-do!” with Romeo -expression peculiar to Shakespeare. - -“It are nice for youngly persons to be affectionate,” I commute. “But -when will dancing begin?” - -“They are now Turkey-waltzing,” depose Arthur Kickahajama, missionary -boy, with Tuxedo eyebrows. - -My cousin Nogi, who arrive there with Miss Alice Sago (divorced) -approach to me and wish I should Turkey-waltz with her because he was -lame from when she kicked him. I told him I was a Methodist heathen, -therefore my feet was too religious to dance. - -“Turk-waltzing are denatured dancing,” arrange Miss Sago with alimony -smiles. “Come, Mr. Togo, I show you how do it!” So I went and stroggled. - -Mr. Editor, while I made gymnastix with that charmed lady, I wished -send you several editorials. What are this Turkey-Waltz, I ask to -know? Were it invented by Turks at Adrianople while wrastling with the -Vulgarian army? Did Turkish soldiers think up that peculiarostous step -while rolling barrels of powder at Greece? Why should persons blame -Turks with this style of trotting if they never did it? Mohammedans has -got sifficient bad habits of their own without accusing them of some -more! - -This Miss Sago shove me here & elsewhere with neglectful expression -peculiar to roustabouts. When music play “All Persons Are Doing -Something” she attemp to dissociate my spine by wig-wagging my elbows. - -“Make your ankles more diagonal!” she declare with sweety schoolteacher -face. I wish to ask her marry me, but wondered what might happen if I -did. I make slight jiu jitsu to her wrist, but she got more stronger -grippe while I jounce alternately like tables in earthquakes. - -“My feet are filled with clumsies,” I narrate baffably. - -“That are very valuable in Turk-trotting,” she say for sweetly smiling. - -“So is?” I holla. “I always sipposed folks must be graceful to make -dance step.” - -“They ust to, but no more,” she expose. “All fashionable 400s today -when dancing considers it great elegance to appear like drunken sailors -wrestling with bears.” - -I should have responded to her educational catalogue, but she was -showing me new jag-step where I could elevate my knees to music while -being choked. - -“I will nextly show you how do the Jellyfish Crawl,” she pronounce with -Tipsichore expression. - -“If I learned any more dances I should become a Geisha, which are less -proper,” I renig shyly while eloping away from her armful with talented -dodges. - -When I was hiding behind palum trees where she could not see me I -watched considerable turkey-trottery, bunny-huggery, etc., with eyes -full of science. Dignified home-made Japanese was making roof-garden -loops with their legs in such a way their wife & children would feel -siprised. Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, were doing sidewise -catch-and-let-go dance with Miss Mamie Furaoki. After that actions I -could not see how he ever could look a Y. M. C. A. in the face again. -First they glid together with expression of happy crabs, then they made -a twillup, two cross-legs & 3 bounces. This was followed by clutches. - -“They are dancing Tango,” pronounce Sydney Katsu, Jr., who was -floorwalking like a committee. - -“What slum teaches persons dance like that?” I abject doggishly. - -“Sometimes Bowery, sometimes Fifth Avenue,” he report for tone of -high-social. - -“Do Fifth Avenue permit the Bowery to teach them depravity?” I require. - -“Ah no!” ollicute Sydney. “Fifth Avenue are teaching the Bowery. Vices -are like other kinds of furniture. Rich folks uses them first and only -pass them on to poor folks when they are second hand. Thusly the slums -are seldom safe.” - -“After Tango is finished what new dance will explode in the Smarty -Set?” are next question for me. - -“Not sure,” Sydney say so with Harry Leer eyebrows. “Last week I hear -how some high-style Newporters had gone to Africa for try dancing with -some cannibles what knew some deliciously low down steps. But after the -first dance they had to quit because they was ashamed.” - -“Who was ashamed—the Newporters?” - -“No, the cannibles,” notate Sydney Katsu, Jr., looking like he was -prepared to be raided by police. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XVI - - When Will Lady-Fashions Get Ashamed of Themselves? - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint or whoever prints it_ - -Dear Sir:—Of lately I have been studying American style of fashions -for ladies, so I shall know your civilization from both ends. It are a -very hard science to chase and in doing so I annexed my acquaintance -to Miss Alice Furaoki, to who I shall become engaged when divorced. -This sweet-hearted Japanese schoolgirl dress so similar to American -actresses you cannot tell her from white lady, except when you look at -her. - -Last Satday eve p.m., when I was accomplishing her down street for see -emotion-picture show, price 10c, I felt very Vanderbiltish to walk so -near to Newport dressmaking. My eye hooked itself to her clothing and -remained there till—O sudden!—I observe what was. I blushed entirely -yellow. - -“Excuse, please, Hon. Miss Sweetheart,” I gollup. “Your dressmake has -axidentally forgot to sew up the ankle of your skirt so I observe -something deranged.” - -“What derangement do you observe?” she require with Vassar eyebrows. - -“Not sure,” I stotter. “It seems to resemble the biceps of your -hosiery.” - -“That biceps is situated where it usually is,” she otter clamly like an -ice box. - -“Should it be ashamed?” I ask shockly. - -“It are style,” she decry, “and style are never ashamed. Togo, why -should you stand there gasping like Queen Victoria seeing Paris? This -garments I are wearing are called a gashed skirt and is now very -favorite at Newport, and Jewport, on Fifth & Sixth Avenues. Queen Mary -of London wore one (very slightly) while giving Ice Cream Social to -Knights of the Garter. In Paris it were even more so, as usual. Two -French countesses from Minneapolis appeared tired out in this costume -at Long Chumps race-course and everybody was so asphyxiated by charm -they forgot to lose their money.” - -“Horses must feel very slow when racing against such style,” I report -nervely. “I am alarmed to think to where fashions will jump to nextly.” - -“More will soonly explode from Vienna where a gentleman-dressmake have -invented a dress all of glass,” she narrate with smiling eyebrows. “It -will be worn in beautiful green shades.” - -“Green shades are necessary to pull down sometimes when you are living -in glass clothing,” I say so for Elbert Hubbard smartness. - -Miss Furaoki make no intellectual reply, so we arrive inside -emotion-picture show to see that noiseless opera. I think I shall marry -her sooner than ever. - -Mr. Editor, Hon. Anthony Comestop and other celebrated purities is -continuously complaining because female ladies is becoming too much -seen in public places. Women is becoming too brave and their skirts too -shrinking. Hon. Comestop, who are not so strong as he were before he -took up modesty as a business, fainted 2½ times when he seen photos -of Lady Bluff-Gorgon’s latest style-simpony entitled “Spring Twilight” -and he have ordered entire U. S. Army to encamp at Custom House to stop -it when she send over Fall-style walking-suit called “September Morn.” - -Considerable ministers, judges and boss policemen has been talking -like angry uncles to ladies because of the increasing decrease of -their clothing. I read in news-print last week how Hon. Judge Killjoy -of Salem, Mass., wish to burn all witches under 27 years of age for -bewitching gentlemen by the clothes they don’t wear. Last week he order -Hon. Police to grabb all ladies wearing dangerous skirts, but Hon. -Police were too lazy to arrest entire female population, so he brought -Village Belle into court, because she looked most so. - -Hon. Judge observe that lady’s clingstone appearance and put on -eye-spectacles, because must see careful. - -“Mrs. Madam,” he report legally like Hon. Taft, “I are not astonished -that there are such delicious quantities of Cubist artists in this -generation. They are the only artists which can paint modern ladydress -so it conceals them sifficiently.” - -“Do you not like what I got on?” she require. - -“I do not object to such smallish matters,” he negligee. “It is for the -absent that I mourn.” - -“I are dressed in style,” she dib feminitely. - -“You are dressed in very little else,” he legalize. “I should die of -shames if I should see my Wife promenading in street clad in such a -lack.” - -“I do not blame you,” she snagger snubbishly. “I once saw your Wife in -bathing suit and can sympathize with you.” - -Hon. Judge feel considable contempt of court for this remark, yet he -could not hang her, because her style had not killed anybody yet. - -“Who is it buys the purchase of your wardrobe, such as is?” he ask to -know. - -“My husband,” she pronounce. - -“I shall arrest him for failure to provide,” he renig hashly. So he -lock up court in time to go codfish. - -Mr. Editor, numberous reformers is making weep-voice because ladies is -coming out in worse & worse. Yet I are less alarmed. Styles is like -other forms of advertisement—they are made to create look-at, and when -this stop, they stop also. Ladyfashions is always worse than formerly, -yet never so bad as they was. If you think 1913 is hideolous, look at -1880; if you think that ugliferous, observe 1870. Before the Uncivil -War considerable preachers made considerable shock because ladies wore -their lingeries next to their shoes. In reign of Gen. Arthur gentlemen -enjoyed much sorrow because ladies wore their skirts in Psyche knots -behind their backs. And now they create peev because ladies does not -wear sifficiently enough anywheres. - -At what periodical time of civilization have not mankind scolded -ladykind for something she took on or put off? You would think from -how they act that gentlemen must detest ladies for looking so homely. -Yet suicide, divorce & population increases annually, which show that -ladies can never dress too fashionable to be loved by someone. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XVII - - The Drama of Sex - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who knows how to go too far without - arriving there._ - -Dearest Sir:—My Aunt Taki Kati, spinsterial suffragette from Kobe, -Japan, arrived here of recently and say she should like see all the -customs of America. - -“What you wish see firstly?” I require for guide-bookish expression. - -“Theater,” she say so. - -“Had we not better begin with some other slum first?” I ask out. “There -are some delicious gunmen in jail this week; Tammany Hall are still -open to tourists and I could show you some splandid opium smokeries in -Chinatown, price 25c.” - -“Why should I not see theater first?” she require with Pankhurst -eyebrows. - -“Because so,” I report. “To enjoy theater you should a proach it -gradually like any other bad habit. It are better to work up from -mild to more strong. Otherwisely you might become ill without feeling -intoxicated. Foreigners intending to see American theaters should -first take lessons in blonde-slavery, debutchery, gun-manliness and o. -u. kiddery. Then they can see dramatic arts without blushing too much.” - -“My stumach has been strengthened by hunger strikes,” say that -suffraging Japanese. “Therefore I can stand considerable endurance.” - -“What variety play you wish observe?” I say it. - -“Some simple domesticated drama,” she indicate. So we went forthly for -see what was. - -Mr. Editor, when we approach Broadway that street seem about like -usual. Breathing get more difficulty there all time, because so many -new theaters arise there each night, making fresh air umpossible. - -“I smell the odor of some smell,” narrate my dear Aunt with chokes. - -“There is several new Viennese plots in town,” I say so. - -While we walked we could see following flashing signs winking with -wicked electricity: - - COUNTESS NYMPHIA - BY SWINEBURG - OPENLY VICIOUS!! - -Next sign report: - - THE GIRL AND THE LIBERTINE - A HORRIBLE HIT!! - -Next theater divulge: - - SLIGHTLY SOILED - THE DRAMA OF DISEASE!! - -Nearby electricity say: - - THE WHITE SLAVE’S FROLIC - MODERN MUSICAL COMEDY - 100 SHOCKING SONGS!! - -My Aunt Taki Kati wish see this opera, because she admire Gilbert & -Sullivan for their tunes. So we go Box Office and ask buy sit-down -inside. - -“We do not sell tickets,” he reply peevly. “Ain’t you got sifficient -brains in your mind to go to speculator when buying tickets?” - -We find Hon. Speculator by sidewalk looking quite commercial. - -“10$ each,” he report with tickets. - -“Why should your price be so immodest?” I snagger. - -“This are an immodest play,” he snudge. “Also we must charge extra for -this performance because the author will be arrested after Act II.” - -I knew we could see just a.m.ch wickedness for less cash money, so we -walk onwards. On side-up street we see sign which say: - - THE LIMIT! - ABUNDANTLY WORST!! - -At this play we obtain sitting-room price 3$ each, which were -deliciously cheap for so much sin. When we got inside there I obtain -program, which was useless for my Aunt Taki, who do not understand -American language, but can blush plenty in Japanese. Following words -was on program: - - - _Evil Characters Represented_ - - J. W. Wineblower Vice-President of Vice Trust - Mrs. Lillian Lorelei A Temptation - Venus A poor shop girl - -There was many others on that program which I did not have time to -see because Hon. Curtain go uply amidst Rector music. The scenery was -red like it was blushing for itself. And there sat Hon. Mrs. Lorelei -removing shoes while smoking opium. Pretty soonly one of her husbands -encroach in and complain that Hon. Janitor has been putting too much -water in his morphine this week. Knock-knock by door. Hon. Police -arrive in and accept bribery. Amidst considerable talk about purity -Hon. Miss Venus arrive in and say she cannot obtain sifficient vice for -4$ weekly in department store where she work. Therefore she have come. -I shall tell you the rest when I can whisper.... - -Mr. Editor, when Act I were finished up my Aunt Taki Kati smell a -bottle of Japanese salts for take the taste out of her nose. She say -that if America was like this Japan must annex it before it decayed. -She say her oldmaidenhood were insulted by that sight and she was sure -she must die dead from shocks. - -“Maybe we better go outside for ventilated air,” I snuggest. - -“Ah no!” she otter. “Let me faint where I am. If I went out I might -lose my seat.” - -But I feel otherwisely. I would rather drink my beer in some saloon -where thoughts are more pure. So I elope outside, leaving Hon. Aunt -to shock by herself. There was so many Presbyterian clergymans coming -inward that I was nearly scrunshed in going outward. Yet I manage to -get to lobbed door outside. - -By Boxed Office I notice Hon. Moses Feldspar, the management, talking -to Chief of Police and other press agents. - -“You are less ashamed than formerly,” I narrate hashly. - -“Why should I feel ashamed of employing Truth among my actresses?” he -snagger. - -“I never saw Truth behave so careless!” I dib. - -“She are most truthful when naked,” he exclam. - -“She are,” I renig for scorns. “But when Hon. Stage Manager dress her -in X ray skirt she appear entirely dishonest.” - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XVIII - - Grand Opera in English - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who can be considerable comical without - music_, - -Dearest Sir:—Cousin Nogi report to me recently with Oscar Hammerstein -eyebrows. - -“Togo,” he say so, “cannot grand opera be equally grand when pronounced -in English?” - -“Frequent theaters is now doing so with help of talented soprano,” I -say it. - -“So glad to hear!” contuse my cousin. “Nextly they will be singing -Salome in Japanese, which will be nice education for Japan who wish -to be educated so quickly possible, yet like to know what they are -talking about while doing so. Now they can’t do, thank you. Of -recently famous sing-song play ‘Carmen’ were introduced in Yeddo. -Considerable confusion enjoyed. When Hon. Bullfighter emerge forth -from slaughterhouse yalling ‘Tor-ee-a-do-da!’ in elevator voice, -all Japanese thinkers present imagine it was New York scenery -describing Tammany Hall after election while Hon. Jno. P. Mitchel were -congratulating himself on cruelty to tigers.” - -“While grand opera is in English all persons can understand merely by -ear,” I nudge gladly. - -“Will not German language lose its health if translated?” require -Cousin Nogi. - -“Perhapsly,” I collapse. “American language have no beautiful words -like ‘lustspiel’ and ‘Sauerbraten.’ Yet maybe they could use some -baseball language so all could seem natural.” - -“At any rates,” say Nogi, “it must be entirely enjoyous sensation to -set in opera and know what they are talking.” - -“Let us go and try one,” I snuggest with happy hat. - -So we sonter forthly until we observe theater what say “Grand -Opera—English Spoken here.” We encroach to door where bull-board -pronounce, “Opera Longrin by Hans Wagner, Famus Cyclist.” - -Annexed to door-entrance stood one stylish bell-boy who hold slight -program in his thumbs. - -“All words to opera 25c!” he pronounce distinctually. - -“Why must we spent this ¼$ for words, please?” I ask to know. - -“So understand what stage-singers say,” report boy containing buttons. - -“Do they not say it in English?” I negotiate peevly. - -“Not sure,” say Hon. Boy. “I have only been here a week.” - -We step inwards and observe opera going ahead amid considerable -crashes. I heard “Ouch!” while I set down, but was not sure whether it -was orchestra or merely lady I stepped on. - -Hon. Stage was filled with scenery, people & tragedy. I could not tell -what that picture represent, but it were easy to see who was there. -King Leopold of Belgium in antique bathrobe were surrounded by German -Samurai on bright banks of Erie Canal where they go for fresh air while -being cruel in music. Hon. King grumble some dishagreeable barytones to -goldly-hair daughter who step forthly in rich nightgown & holla, - -“O wat di spa!” - -I turn to eye-glass gentleman next by me who were reading Book of Opera -with piano-tuner expression. - -“What she mean when she say, ‘O wat di spa!” I requesh. - -“She say, ‘O what despair!” he pronounce distinctually. - -“What language was that, please?” This from me. - -“English,” he whisper peevly. - -“I am glad to make its acquaintance,” I argue slightly. - -Pretty soonly, after considerable choir-noise, Hon. Orchestra get into -dispute with brass horners. And look, see! Down wet transportation -of Erie Canal come flotting one enormalously swollen duck and on him -stands riding one hansum circus man in tin clothes. Excitements. -Hon. Tin Gentleman get off from that trained white chicken and throw -hitching-rope around his stretched neck. Hon. Poultry bobb chin with -peck-peck expression and steam away with promptness peculiar to -commutation. Hon. Tin Hero wave muscles of fingers. - -“Feh-wa! Feh-wa! Ma fayvu swa!” he warbule with sweet lung. - -I turn to Hon. Eye-Glass next by me who still read Opera Book. - -“What was he said it?” I require chivalrously. - -“He say, ‘Farewell, farewell, my faithful swan!’” he snub maddishly. - -“Are he still talking English?” I narrate. - -“Hush it!” he snarrel. “Between your noise and the orchestra I cannot -hear the opera.” - -“If my absence will make this art easier for your mentality I shall -cease to blockade,” are sharp report I make while withdrawing Cousin -Nogi outside the theater. - -Although Nagasaki by birth, I am Glasgow in my soul, Mr. Editor. It -pangs me to spend money without some come-back for what I pay. - -So I enrush up to box-office with money-back expression. - -“I require get at leastly 35c return rebate on these stubbed tickets,” -I say so to merely financial gentleman who was there. - -“Why for?” dib Box Officer hashly. - -“Because is!” I reject scornly. “I pay large wealth to hear English. -What they sung was otherwise.” - -“That were English!” say Money Box. - -“I could not understand it.” Say me. - -“Nobody expect understood Grand Opera in any language,” he snagger. “Be -reasonable like Sherman Law.” - -“What are grand opera for, if not?” I ask to know. - -“Several things. To give folks wrong impression of history and confuse -them about love while admiring Smart Setters in diamond horseshoe,” he -define. “This has satisfied Art for 311 years—why should you require -something else all of a sudden?” - -“Then why would it not be just as good for Americans if sung in -Chinese, Swedish or German?” I negotiate. - -“Because of patriotism,” he define. “Every man prefer to be puzzled in -his own language.” - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XIX - - A Lesson in Eugenics - - - _To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who will please be more careful about - choosing his ancestors in the future_, - -Dear Sir:—Last Wedsday night I got feeling of lonesome matrimony, so -I put on Tuxedo slippers and necktie resembling Vogue. I was not sure -which lady I intended for marry, but I go see Miss Tessie Matsuki -because I could get there without carfare. This Matsuki lady live over -store of her father, Hon. J. W. Matsuki, Japanese hay & grain. She got -considerable Vassar intelligence and would make nice wife for librarian. - -I found her by lamplight wearing goldly spectacles while reading -enlarged volume entitle “Eugenic.” - -She felt my biceps while shaking hands & seem to examine my hair for -criminal traits. I ask her would she like go see emotion picture show -with my accompaniment. She say no. She prefer set stationary and talk -about Future Race. I explan that I did not keep up pretty well with -sporty events, but my Cousin Nogi were entirely educated about racing -& baseball. She give high-up laugh of culture. - -“Future Race are not sporty event,” she define. “It are Eugenic.” - -“I got no time to think foreign languages,” I say so while admiring her -sweethearted expression with Garden of Allah sensation. “I come here to -ask some big importance. Would it be convenient to get married?” - -“It would be no trouble however,” she report for smiling. - -“O then we shall!” I holla while attempting to hold her handclasp, but -she snatch it to herself. - -“If suitable I shall include you on waiting list,” she snuggest. - -“I present you my heart,” I renig for poetry. - -“Condition of lung are more important,” she renounce. “Let me hear -your deep breathing.” I do so. She listen. “Ah!! I suspected what I -supposed! Your left pulmonia has slight anachronism. How dare you love -me?” - -“Permit me to tell about myself!” I yall like Romeo. - -“Tell me about your grandfather, instead,” she abrupt. - -“I do not ask you marry my grandfather.” This from me while enjoying -slight agonies. - -“In Eugenic,” she report, “we are expected to marry entire family.” - -“This Eugene must come from Utah,” I snib. “My grandfather would not -permit such illegality. He were married once, which were too many. -Also he are dead. It are immoral to marry dead folks.” - -“What he die from?” she romp forth. - -“Asthma of knees,” I pronounce. - -“So ha! Then you got diseases in family!” - -“You expect my ancestors to die from being too healthy?” I ask to know. -“Perhapsly Hon. Eugene who wrote that book will teach us how to do so.” - -“He expects to arrange everything,” she compose proudishly. “His -speciality will be marriage. Youngly persons will be selected carefully -like Luther Burbank choose best potatoes for crop.” - -“Will this Hon. Eugene make some new marriage ceremony?” I otter. - -“That have been arrange also,” she tell. “When 2 Eugeniuses wish get -married following program will be enjoyed: - -“Joy-bells will be jungled from tip-top of gymnasium where members of -Board of Health will act as Ushers, admitting relatives after examining -their tonsils. Talented vaudeville performers will play ‘Weddlesohn’s -Mending March’ on Indian clubs while Bride & Bridebroom, wearing Annit -Kellerman bathing suits to show no deception had been concealed, will -walk up aisle hand-in-hand with parents wearing rubber gloves. Bride -must not blush, because that are sign of weak heart and Bridebroom must -not seem nervus, because that indicate tendency to allipeptic fits. -After dumb-bell drill Rev. Preacher will step uply.” - -“What Rev. Preacher will do this ceremony?” I inquest. - -“Not sure,” she negotiate. “Perhaps Rev. Billy Sunday might do, because -of muscular religion.” - -“What shall this marriage service say?” is next question for me. - -“It say following dialog: - -Rev. Mr.——, Do you love this woman? - -Bridebroom—No. - -Rev. Mr.——, Woman, you love this man? - -Bride—No. - -Rev. Mr.—— Good. You have no inherited instinct. You swear there is no -fits, insanity or general ability in family? (They swear.) - -Then stick out tongues, please. That will do, thank you. I make you -manandwife.” - -Miss Tessie Matsuki look to me reproachly when saying this. - -“What happen pretty soonly after marriage?” I snuggest. - -“Baby,” she pronounce. “He are born perfect without a blamish or any -other sign of humanity. He are gave perfectly balanced name like -Sandow Socrates Shakespeare Scagg. In babyhood he are never kissed. In -schoolday he are never spanked. In manhood he are never loved. And so -he grow upward.” - -“What do he become, after so much exercise—a Congressman, perhapsly?” - -“How could he? Congressman are noted for imperfection.” - -“Then perhapsly he would be novelist or play-right?” - -“Ah never yet!” she snatch. “How could perfect Man be connected in -trade with Jack London, Gus Thomas and other rough boys?” - -“Yet there might be some jobs for him. He could be machinery engineer -of prominent greatness.” - -“Not possibly!” she reject. “Should we permit such model gentleman to -build subways for political scandals?” - -“But this Eugenics Baby must choose some activity of work. Shall he be -too good for any profession when grown up?” - -“Indeed will!” she holla. “He will be a Father.” - -“Father of what?” I require with alarmed teeth. - -“Of children similar to himself.” - -“Miss Tessie Matsuki,” I denominate punctually while choosing my hat -from table, “excuse my escape. I wish for search out some young lady -who will prove her unfitness to marry by falling in love. Please -excuse!” - -“Uncivilized brain!” she snarrel. “Go forthly! Such depraved minds like -yours drive tacks into the feet of Science when he try to progress. And -yet the world do move, in spite of Tammany Hall.” - -“Tammany Hall also move occasionally,” I corrode with Fusion expression. - -So I elope away full of low character. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XX - - Togo’s Christmas Day in the Morning - - - _To Editor Good Housekeep Magazine who realize how it must be more - expensive to give than to receive._ - -Dear Mr. Sir:—Merry Xmas thoughts fill me with something else. My brain -refuse to ring bells in connection with this annual jingling. Perhapsly -it is because of following anecdote which happen to me: - -At home of Mrs. & Mr. J. Poke, Rockpile, N. J., which is on the list -of places where I am no longer there, I was employed in their midst. -That family contained only two (2) complete children, but they were -sifficiently plenty. By name they was Hester and Lester, aged 5 & 7 -respectfully. These youngly persons, when healthy, was full of childly -amusements including dish-break, runaway, knockabouts, and whittling -pensils with Father’s safety razor. - -But by approach of Xmas time they suddenly became otherwise. I notice -this because I seen it. They walk around with Y. M. C. A. expression of -toes and seem too good to be happy. - -“Oh childish children!” I require from them, “why so you do so? Do you -enjoy some sleeping sickness to make you thusly silent?” - -“Hush it!” they depose. “Xmas are coming!” - -“Are Xmas, then, such saddish event that you should await it without -cheers?” I ask to know. - -“Oh, not is!” they ollicute. “But, unless we behave very Sunday-school, -Hon. St. Claus will not arrive with gifts of great cash valuation.” - -I stand gast for this phenominal. So I go to Hon. Mrs. Poke and require -from her, “Hon. Mrs. Madam,” I say so, “who are this Hon. St. Claus who -seem so Carnegie in his gifts?” - -“He resemble Hon. Doc Cook,” she snuggest, with slyly winking. “No such -person ever was.” - -“How so!” I snatch off for horrors. “Then I must inform Hon. Hester & -Lester about this mistaken personality.” - -“Not to do!” she snagger peevly. - -“Why should not?” I ask to know, with eyebrows. - -“Because thus,” she say it. “I told them about this Hon. St. Claus from -my own voice.” - -“How you could be so deceptive?” I terrify. - -“I do this to make my children less sinful in their comportment,” -she snuggest. “When they go around making gunman noises, I holla, -‘Stop before Hon. St Claus hear you and refuse to come!’ If they tell -untruthful lies, I humiliate them by reproaching, ‘Hon St Claus will -snub you for this untruthfulness!’” - -“Honesty are nice exercise for children to learn,” I corrode. - -She make pleasant face for reply. - -“On Xmas night-before,” she explan, “me & Hon. Mr. Poke set up slight -candle-tree in dining-room. We cluster this foliage with ornaments to -resemble circus, and by foot of it we place extended quantities of -drums, guns, horns, cannons, velocipedes, baseballs and other tools -with which home can be broke. In dawn-break of morning Hon. Dear -Children come down and observe. ‘Who sent it?’ they require. ‘Hon. St -Claus bring it because you was truthful childs,’ we report. ‘How he -get in?’ they ask to know. ‘He slid down chimbley-pipe,’ we say back -deceptively. So merry Xmas is enjoyed by all.” - -“Are it not somewhat sinful to relate them fibbulous tale to tender -child?” I negotiate. - -“Ah, no!” she abstract. “If childhood should not believe in St -Claus, then most happy times would relapse forever. Togo, you -must do everything what possible to make them believe in this -whisker-gentleman.” - -“I shall attempt to think up something deliciously deceptive,” are -smart answer I make. - - * * * * * - -As Xmas date approach up, Hon. Hester & Lester become more fidgettous -in their psychology. - -“This morning I dishcover 6 boxes labeled ‘Smith’s Toy Store’ in -basement of cellar,” pronounce Hon. Lester. “What could be in it?” - -“Coal is frequently packed in toy-boxes,” I renounce. - -“It look very deceptive to me,” deploy infant Hester. - -“At times I are discouraged about St Claus,” narrate Hon. Lester. - -“So sinful thought!” I holla. - -“How could I believe in gentleman I never seen? Where is his photo? I -suspect.” - -“Many distinguished persons is shy about photos,” I abrupt. - -“Perhapsly,” aggrevate Hon. Lester. “Yet other things I cannot -understand with brain. Hon. Parents tell me how Hon. St Claus comes -sliding down chimbley-pipe with gifts. I have awaited many nights to -observe this downfall, yet he never come. Therefore he ain’t.” - -“If you should seen him make in-shoot by chimbley-pipe, would you -believe this whiskered fairy?” I ask it. - -“Oh, surely yes!” response Hester & Lester together like chorus girls. - -“Then on Xmas morning you shall observe him!” I abrogate with earnest -expression of teeth. - -On date previously before Xmas I go to town-village with weekly -salary, price $5, and purchase considerable wheel-cart, squeak-doll, -jump-up-Jack, and other childish amusement. These I poke under overcoat -and retreat home slyly like snails walking over upholstery. - -When night time was there, Hon. Hester & Lester was cruelly sent to -bedtime and locked asleep so they would not find out about Hon. St -Claus. As soonly as they make sleep, Mrs. & Mr. Poke command me for -bring forth Xmas-tree. I make him grow from soap-box in dining-room. -I assist intelligently hanging this foliage with tin fruit, including -numberous candles standing on limbs to resemble candy fireworks. -While Hon. Poke boss my enthusiasm, I fetch forth considerable heavy -toy-boxes from basement of cellar. Back-broke feelings by me. Yet I -continue this labors until mixed assortment of Xmas stood by tree with -deceptive labels about Hon. St Claus. - -At 1 o’clock hour a.m. Mrs. and Mr. retire bedward, exhausted from -observing my work. But my dutiful labors had just commenced. I must -prepare to show those childish children how Hon. Mr. Claus down-slide -down chimbley-pipe. - -All house was full of darkness. Frozen moonlight outside. With sneekret -feetsteps, like snakes swimming in oil, I approach to closet and fetch -forth following articles of clothes: - - 1 minkish ottomobile coat - 2 boots of rubberly exterior - 1 cap from Eskimo leather - ½ lb cotton resembling whisker. - -I drop all them presents I bought inside one laundry-bag, place myself -into those garments of clothes, then with detective toes I descend up -through attric to where chimbley-pipe was on roof. - -4 o’clock time now approach. Making affectionate hugs to Hon. Chimbley, -I could tell it was Xmas by the feel of the themometer. By peeking down -Hon. Chimbley, I could see how it was sifficiently large hole to permit -my Japanese smallness—yet I must compress myself to do so. I enjoyed -considerable nervusness like heroes expecting to dive down Mt. Vesuvius. - -Pretty soonly 6 a.m. was there and I was not yet froze completely hard. -By listening down chimbley-pipe with telephone expression, I could hear -childhood voices coming down-stairs saying “Oh!!” It were time for me -to make some slide. - -I pull ½lb cotton to my chin, snuggle Hon. Bag to back, and commence -climbing into chimbley. What was? Distinctually I could smell slight -smudj of smoke coming upwards! Yet it were too late. Already I was -slipping, down-sliding slowly. Great chokes enjoyed. When nearly down I -stuck up suddenly. More chokes. - -“Oh, hellup, hellup!” I gollup. - -“Who there?” demand Hon. Poke below-down. - -“Hon. St Claus containing smoke!” I yellup. “Make haste or else be -quick!” - -Some individual persons grabb me at toes. With intense drag I was -pulled forth to fireplace where blazes was. My cottonly whisker become -inflamed, and in desperado attempt I clash against Xmas-tree which -tottle over amidst horble fire-alarms. Great holla by all. Then I -am a hero, as usual. While all others make hook-and-ladder noise, I -embrace Hon. Tree with elbows and reject him outwards through window. -Of finally all was silent, except slight smell of smudj. - -“What impossibility are you attempting to act like?” require Hon. Mrs. -sarcastly. - -“Hon. St Claus,” I report. - -“Why you no entrance by door?” shreech Hon. Mr. with wounded knuckle. - -“Doors is not respectable for Saints to come in by,” I devote. - -“They are plenty for Japanese to go out by,” resnort him, escorting me -outwards with brutal jam. - -And when I was deploying away from there I hear Hester & Lester report -in voice together: - -“We have saw Hon. St Claus. We do not care to meet such a person!” - -So I depart off feeling like an umpossibility. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - - - - - XXI - - The Head of the House - - - _To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, civilized personality who knows - everything about home except what goes on_, - -Dear Sir:—Last place from which I was rebounded were home of Mrs. & -Mr. Annette Pratt, Curfew Glen, N. J. These individuals, though not -peculiar from themselves, had home-names what distincted them entirely. -Hon. Mrs. Pratt was Mother Love, Hon. Mr. Pratt was Father Darling -and Hon. Daughter Pratt was Mabel Dear. This Mabel Dear was half-past -schoolgirl age. She enjoy such aggrevated health that her mother make -considerable worry for her. - -“Why should not Mabel Dear help Togo make housework?” require Hon. -Husband while seeing her idly resting. - -“She must enjoy her headaches each morning during housekeep hours,” -snuggest Mother Love. “It are fashionable to be illhealthy until noon.” - -“Her illhealthiness do not keep her from tennis-play, night-set-up, -tango & flirtating which she do considerable,” commute Hon. Him with -grouches in his voice. - -“Fortunately she can accomplish slight duties expected of any -high-bread girl,” gollup Hon. Mrs. - -“When I was boy my mother knew nothing about Vermin Castle dance, yet -she could make doughnut, quilt, soap, beds and many other delicious -home cooking,” he glub. - -“Father Darling,” yellup Mabel Dear from her sofa where she layed with -her fatigue, “Mother Love says I can have new Harper’s Bazar dress for -Judkins-Perkins wedding festival ball.” - -“I am too busy going to my office!” he snarrel while departing with -door. - -This Mabel Dear are Miss Lady of such great importantness that it give -me great sorrow of brain to think she was born to merely New Jersey -condition of real estate. When Hon. Father pass off she tell this -sadness to her mother. - -“Mother Love,” she say so, “it create considerable humility in my -prides for see Togo open doors with soapsuds thumbs when Hon. Percy -Twill, whose home contain several butlers, arrive here for flirtation -and observe our poverty.” - -“Mabel Dear I sympathize to you for our downslide in world. Since -marriage to Father Darling I have expected very little. Before marriage -my home was entirely surrounded by footmen.” - -“Why you no brought 3 or 4 of those here?” are bright question for me. - -“Eavesdripper! Return to kitchen duty!” they holla together like chorus -girls. Yet I heard more from other keyholes. - -“How I go to Judkins-Perkins dance with only one dress?” I hear Mabel -Dear ask it. - -“Are not one dress sifficient for one dance?” I require silently from -myself while refraining my voice. - -“I cannot tell what Father Darling does with all his money,” dement -Hon. Mrs. “He receive $240. per monthly yet we enjoy less luxury than -the rich. Perhapsly he are gambling in stocks.” - -“Result of his selfishness I are the worst dressed girl in the Curfew -Glen Smart Set,” corrods Hon. Mabel amidst sobs. - -“If you had married Father Darling you would realize why ladies goes on -hungry strikes,” snib Hon. Mrs. - -And so onwards. - -When Hon. Pratt retreat homewards at night he usually carry complete -bookkeeper library under his arm so he can spent tired evening finding -who stole that 22c from firm of Obediah Pennypicker & Co. by which -he is owned. Considerable hours each evening he set to table with -eyeglasses and commonpeople expression on his face while he read that -arithmetic. Pretty soonly income Hon. Mrs. & Hon. Miss dishguised in -pinksilk Marlborough clothing and intending to go outwards. - -“Such stylish!” report Hon. Father looking at. - -“This are not stylish,” renig Hon. Mabel Dear while spatting her -Newport hairs. “This dress are made from remnant bargains. It are next -to nothing.” - -“It seem so at the neck,” ollicute he humoristically. “Girl wears but -little here below but wears that little long. To what social Durbar are -you going to?” - -“The My Cream Tango Tipsickery Circle,” negotiate Hon. Miss. “O Father -Darling, why you no go long? If oncely you did you might make less -cruel talking.” - -“Maybe I shall,” report Hon. Pa laying down bookkeep volume. - -“Father Darling!” hissy Hon. Mrs. “What you thinking of to say that? -You could not go society as is. The necktie you wear insults our pride -of family.” - -“I go where I pleases.” This from him with glares. - -“Why so independence?” She say it. - -“Are I not head of this house?” he require. - -“Yes, Father Darling,” she file off. “Therefore it is your duty to stay -home and look over $90. groceries bill.” - -She poke forth Hon. Bill and leave husbandly man to his sorry. - -Hon. Mr. Pratt work lonesomely till 9.44 clocktime. Then he fold away -books and go to emotion picture show. At 11.11 clocktime he come -backwards smoking intense cigar. I was setting on front porch enjoying -beauty of moonshin amidst Japanese poetry. He observe me there and -donate 1 cigar price 5c while he sat down next beside me with chumness -of college boy. - -“Togo,” he say it at lastly while we make twin puffs, “are I head of -this house or are not I?” - -“Are indeed!” I say kindly because thankful for cigar. - -“Then why should I be battered continuously?” This from him. - -“Heads are always punched,” I define. - -“I are breadwinner without being allowed to keep winnings, I are—.” - -“You are an American father,” thusly I report. “You should learn to be -a Japanese father.” - -“How you do it?” he ask with eggerness. - -“Japanese father are steam-roller Czar. Wife are sipposed to approach -him with frightened elbows, daughter must be sipposed to ask for favors -and not get it. All parties, presents, etc. are given by him. All -servants must attend his selfishness while neglecting females around -house.” - -“I shall move to Japan!” he cheer up. - -“You needs not,” I snuggest. “I shall be your Japanese slave and teach -you how be Japanese father. Tomorrow a.m. you can commence ordering -your home around like a floorwalker. Continually remember inferiorness -of everybody but yourself and feel as sacred as possible. Heads shall -be chopped for impertinence to you.” - -“I shall enjoy that!” he stotter with smiling teeth. - -At that moments carriage approach upward through moonlit and Wife & -Daughter make getout. - -“You up, Father Darling?” require Hon. Mrs. with shock tone. “I can -smell beer in your breathing. Man of your aged respectability should -not be boistering at night amidst low-living friendship.” - -She make dragoon expression to me while halling Father away. - -Next morning while it was breakfast Father Darling sat looking very -Cæsar where breakfast was not cooked while I go through with tray -containing grape-orange, omelit, lady-toast and slight tea for Hon. -Mabel Dear who enjoyed headache as usual. - -“Lay that tray on table befront of me!” holla Hon. Mr. with commander -voice. - -“Father Darling!” yellup Hon. Mrs. who was there, “what you intend do -with Mabel Dear’s headache food?” - -“Eat it!” he snarrel while I laid Hon. Tray befront of him with -complete courtesy of Japanese bows. - -“Are it customary for you to be taking comforts in this house from -others?” Eagles spoke in her tone. - -“It are not,” he negotiate with egg spoon, “yet it shall be from now -onwards.” - -“Am I to be dishobeyed in home?” she require shilly. - -“Why not?” he ask to know (“Togo, bring one jar mammalade and -considerable more coffee.) Yes, Mother Love, I have caught commuter -train for 43½ years without breakfast. Now I am turning over a new -sheet. Hereafterly I shall be Political Boss of my household. Not only -shall I be considered 1st in serving comfort, but my servants shall be -my complete slavers, similar like they are in Japan. Are this not so, -Togo?” - -“Ah yes, exalted-up Sire!” I worship while bending my base stumach. - -“Huh!” snuggest Hon. Mrs. with Huerta expression. “Togo, go immediately -upwards to Mabel Dear’s room and deliver complete breakfast to door.” - -“Togo,” depose Hon. Mr. looking clamly cruel, “go immediately upward to -Mabel Dear’s room and make knock-knock to door. When Mabel Dear answer -say so, ‘Your Rev. Father demand you get upward at oncely and help -wash-dish and other healthful exercise.” - -I go. I do so. When Mabel Dear hear knock-knock she poke forth girlish -cap and decry, “What for, imported heathenish?” - -“Your Royal & Exalted Up Hon. Father require you make immediate get up -for wash dish and be natural like ancestors,” I commit. - -She shreech. Slam door. Downstairs I could hear similar warcry while -sounds of smelling salts, hysteria, etc. could be heard from dining -room. - -Eloping to window I could observe Hon. Mr. evaporating down path in -depot direction. - -“Togo!” voice of Mrs. from down there. - -I make no correspondence to her tone. - -“Togo, will you come downward or shall you be thrown?” - -Still I conceal my words. Ring-ring by telephone could be distinctually -heard. - -“Togo,” she say more plaintiffly, “there is command here by telephone -from your Royal Lordmaster Sir Exalted Pratt.” - -“I go downward and obey,” is meakness from me. - -I emerge down there and put that electricity to my ear. - -“Hello!” - -“Yes. This are Boss Pratt. Togo, I have reconsidered my life on way to -depot. I am very respectful to your Oriental uncivilization and know -what you snuggest can be accomplished 10,000 miles distant from New -Jersey. Howeverley, I are expected to return to New Jersey every night, -so difference must be.” - -“In Japan you would never make such weekness resembling mice,” I -ollicute distinctually. - -“Undoubtlessly. And since you are so crazed about Japan, maybe you -should return there and teach Domestic Science where it shall be -understood.” - -“Then you mean say I am discharged?” - -“Like a gun!” he snibber while hanging telephone. - -So I arrive to backdoor and obtain immediate farewell feeling that Man -is superior to Woman, but that Woman are on Jobs more frequently all -day. - -Hoping you are the same, - - Yours truly, - HASHIMURA TOGO. - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HASHIMURA TOGO, DOMESTIC -SCIENTIST *** - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the -United States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online -at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you -are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this eBook. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: Hashimura Togo, Domestic Scientist</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: Wallace Irvin</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Illustrator: Frederick Strothmann</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: April 29, 2021 [eBook #65189]</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Peter Becker, Les Galloway and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive)</div> - -<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HASHIMURA TOGO, DOMESTIC SCIENTIST ***</div> - -<div class="transnote"> -<h3>Transcriber’s Notes.</h3> - -<p>The nature of the book requires many oddities of word, spelling, -and punctuation. This makes it impossible to unequivocally identify -possible errors therefore no corrections or changes have been made.</p> -</div> - - -<p class="half-title">HASHIMURA TOGO</p> - - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="a0040_frontispiece" style="max-width: 62.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/a0040_frontispiece.jpg" alt="" /> - <div class="caption"> -<p class="hang"><i>“You are not permitted to amuse cousins while working,” she snib. -“However, Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to Daughters -of Samantha.”</i></p></div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> -<div class="chapter"> -<div class="figcenter illowp50" id="title" style="max-width: 50em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/title.jpg" alt="Title page" /> -</div> - - -<h1> -HASHIMURA<br /> -TOGO</h1> - -<p class="center">DOMESTIC SCIENTIST</p> - -<p class="center">by</p> - -<p class="center">WALLACE IRWIN</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Illustrated By Strothmann</span></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Hearst’s International Library Co.<br /> -New York</span></p></div> - - - - - -<p class="center p6"><span class="fs2"> -Copyright, 1914, by<br /> -<span class="smcap">Hearst’s International Library Co., Inc.</span><br /> -<br /> -<i>All rights reserved, including the translation into foreign<br /> -languages, including the Scandinavian</i></span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_5">5</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Contents">Contents</h2> -</div> - - - - -<table class="standard" summary=""> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><span class="fs2">CHAPTER</span></td> -<td></td> -<td class="tdr"><span class="fs2">PAGE</span></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Introducement_to_Mrs_Public">Introducement</a></span></td> -<td class="tdr">7</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#I">I</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo’s Thursdays Out</span></td> -<td class="tdr">11</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#II">II</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo’s Moving Day</span></td> -<td class="tdr">19</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#III">III</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Runs a Furnace</span></td> -<td class="tdr">26</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#IV">IV</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo and the “Weak-Enders”</span></td> -<td class="tdr">33</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#V">V</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Swats the Fly</span></td> -<td class="tdr">41</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#VI">VI</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Sails for Bargains</span></td> -<td class="tdr">49</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#VII">VII</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo in Bachelor’s Hall</span></td> -<td class="tdr">57</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#VIII">VIII</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo at the Seashore</span></td> -<td class="tdr">65</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#IX">IX</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line</span></td> -<td class="tdr">73</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#X">X</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Coaxes Down the Cost of -Living</span></td> -<td class="tdr">81</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XI">XI</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Becomes a Fire Hero</span></td> -<td class="tdr">89</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XII">XII</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Makes Discoveries</span></td> -<td class="tdr">97</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XIII">XIII</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo’s Thanksgiving</span></td> -<td class="tdr">105</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XIV">XIV</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango</span></td> -<td class="tdr">113</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XV">XV</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Are Turkey-Waltzing a Dance -or a Convulsion?</span></td> -<td class="tdr">121<span class="pagenum" id="Page_6">6</span></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XVI">XVI</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">When Will Lady-Fashions Get -Ashamed of Themselves?</span></td> -<td class="tdr">126</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XVII">XVII</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Drama of Sex</span></td> -<td class="tdr">131</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XVIII">XVIII</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Grand Opera in English</span></td> -<td class="tdr">136</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XIX">XIX</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">A Lesson in Eugenics</span></td> -<td class="tdr">141</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XX">XX</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">Togo’s Christmas Day in the -Morning</span></td> -<td class="tdr">147</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdr"><a href="#XXI">XXI</a></td> -<td class="tdl"><span class="smcap">The Head of the House</span></td> -<td class="tdr">154</td> -</tr> -</table> - - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Illustrations">Illustrations</h2> -</div> - - -<table class="standard" summary=""> -<tr> -<td class="tdh">“You are not permitted to amuse cousins -while working,” she snib. “However, -Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to -Daughters of Samantha.”</td> -<td class="tdr"><i>Frontispiece</i></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td></td> -<td class="tdr"><span class="fs2">FACING PAGE</span></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdh">By this warfare I broke considerable flies and other dishes</td> -<td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_44">44</a></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdh">When I fetch forth raw steak and apple -pie all require, “What the matter with -Togo?”</td> -<td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_60">60</a></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdh">“Have he not been constantly on ice for -2 yrs? Nothing could be fresher than -that,” depose Hon. Butcher</td> -<td class="tdrb"><a href="#Page_106">106</a></td> -</tr> -</table> - - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="Introducement_to_Mrs_Public">Introducement to Mrs. Public</h2> -</div> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—In reading this intellectual -volume of words I hopes that Mrs. -Public & Husband will realize what I -am stabbing at. Science in kitchen, rugs, -vacuum cleaners, babies etc is what I wish -teach all homes. Can this be accomplish? -Answer is, Yes!! For housekeeping can get to -be a Science just like warfare and pulling teeth.</p> - -<p>And in each of those letters scrambled together -in this Book I show you how like a Scientist -I behave; for Scientists learns big wisdom, -does they not, by manufacturing wicked smells, -explosions and unhappiness. I also learn knowledge -of housekeepery that way, and if occasional -folks expire dead from eating what I cook, they -should not get irritable. Science has its victims -as well as warfare.</p> - -<p>Hon. Shakspeare, or some other great bookmaker, -say, “We learn by our mistakes.” If -such is case, then I have learned nearly everything -that can be assimilated about Gen. Housework. -I have followed considerable branches -of this kitchen intelligence throughout U.S. -America wherever I could find carfare. Therefore -I have swept all this wreckage together -in my brain and publicate them in this Book, -which is sort of letter of recommendation to -show how much I can accomplish when least -required.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_8">8</span></p> - -<p>Frequent Professors has asked that Question: -Why Do Servint Girls Be Servints? I have dishcovered -following reasons for it:</p> - -<p>1—To accumulate $4 weekly until wealthy.</p> - -<p>2—To drink gin secretly in refined homes.</p> - -<p>3—To learn politeness from being snubbed by -Ladies.</p> - -<p>4—To quit noisily.</p> - -<p>Still more frequent Professors require: Why -is Reason for High Costly Living? Answer is, -Servints. If you ask any Lady in places from -which I have quit you will soonly find out. One -lady called me most expensive Servint in America -because I cost her $1302.33 for breakery of -crockery in one week of labor. I were considerable -proud of that record which are seldom -equalled, even by Swedish.</p> - -<p>What are purpose of this Book? To teach -Ladies be more kind while abusing their help. -With very apologetic thumbs I acknowledge that -Hired Girls is not perfected like other modern -machinery. Too many waitresses wait too long -before obeying anybody. Too many nurses spoils -the children. Too many cooks spoils the broth. -Etc. Yet what could you expect for $6 weekly? -Not much. And you usually do not get it. This -are very labentable state of affairs, and I am -peculiar among Servint Girls because I never do -less than expected of me. I usually do more. -For instancely, if Hon. Boss Lady expect me to -break ½ her dishes, I break all. If she expect -me to burn up the roast, I burn down the house.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_9">9</span> -Success in any line can be manufactured from -such industry.</p> - -<p>House-ladies should continuously remember -that Servints are only human. Sometimes -slightly less. Nor should persons feel peev of -temperament because Cooks only stay shortly -when they call. Folks does not expec Doctors -and Undertakers to stay longtime when they -come to houses. No!! They got too much busy -duties elsewheres to linger considerable with one -customer, however much they enjoy it. Suchly -it is with Cooks. They give so much time they -can to each victim & pass onwards. Then why -should they be followed with brickbatts & regrets -when they depart for station? There is no -answer to this question.</p> - -<p>During my promenades from jobs to jobs I -have visited considerable kitchens. Some folks -have promised to treat me like one of the family; -this sound deliciously sweet until I see how that -family behaves with itself. From such places I -escape nearly lifeless. In my profession I resemble -burglars—continually entering houses -without welcome and seldom quitting without -taking something with me. Sometimes I take -valuable experience, sometimes injury of eye -which are considerable precious for teach my -soul how to set in his place and act low down.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_11">11</span></p> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="HASHIMURA_TOGO">HASHIMURA TOGO</h2> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<h2 class="nobreak" id="I">I<br /> - - -Togo’s Thursdays Out</h2></div> - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who -should be found in every employment bureau</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>:—While working in servant-girlish -employment of Gen. Housework -I have endured considerable cruelties -with great durability. But when ladies -insists to pour kindness upon me, then the worm -twists from such brutality. For thus reason I -am now entirely disjointed from job of working -at home of Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke & Husband, -Nutt Center, N.J. I tell you this historical -event.</p> - -<p>When I employ this Mrs. Hoke to be boss, -she say with Jane Addams expression, “Hon. -Abe Lincoln freed niggero slaves sometime of -yore; therefore Japanese servant must also be -considered human.”</p> - -<p>“I do not expect such sweethearted treatment,” -I say for slight tear-drop.</p> - -<p>“I am going to commence my beginning by -being generous to you,” she encroach. “You -may take Thursday afternoons out.”</p> - -<p>“How far out can I take them?” are question -for me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_12">12</span></p> - -<p>“Plenty far,” she renounce, “but not so distant -he will not get back in time for breakfast Fryday -morning. I give you this Thursday p.m. from -great philanthropy of soul, so you will be able -to work harder when you get back.”</p> - -<p>“What amusements are proper for servant -on this bright holidate?” I ask to know.</p> - -<p>“Sometimes one way, sometimes different,” -she pronounce. “Walking, setting down, quarreling, -flirtating, seeing emotion-picture show, -obtaining drunkenness, getting married or arrested—all -are good ways for servant on Thursday.”</p> - -<p>I thank her from the stomack of my soul -and fill my brain with joy-thoughts about -that nice date of afternoon I should spend. -It were Monday when she say this. Each -day afterwards my gladness become pretty plenty -when I think what light amusement it should be. -I fill my mentality with plans for frivolity. -Maybe I should go to hear Rev. Dr. Soyanada -lecture on Mr. Ibsen. Or perhapsly I might -walk in Unnatural History Museum admiring -skeletons. These light joys seem pretty happy—but -O!—of suddenly I think something better. -I should write my cousin Nogi for meet me in -G. A. R. Cemetery where we could learn American -language by reading biographies on monuments.</p> - -<p>Thursday morning arrive up. Such beauty of -day! Air was clear like alcohol, making blueness -of sky which removed blueness from heart. I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_13">13</span> -never observed better day for servants to see -cemeteries. At 11 I eloped to room for -make slight brush to shoes & derby.</p> - -<p>Lunch time arrive.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” report Hon. Mrs. Hoke, poking unprepared -head into kitchen, “you will be unexpectedly -detained at home this afternoon; so -sorry. I shall give bridge-gamble for 48 friends -this and 6 additional must remain for dinner-eat.”</p> - -<p>Door-slam was her next reply.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, have you ever been retained in -kitchen, manufacturing lemonade-drunk for -ladies while Nature stand outside whistling for -you? Amidst such sorrows your fingers shuffle -their feet and your soul refuses. I attempt to -bake cake while enjoying these pains; but you -cannot make cake arise when your heart contains -no yeast.</p> - -<p>All through brightness of afternoon bridge-gamble -continue while I poke forth chocolate. -At lateness of 11.22 p.m. 6 additional persons -depart off from dinner-eat. I go bed without -congratulation.</p> - -<p>Next morning Hon. Mrs. report to kitchen -with shameface.</p> - -<p>“So careless, I forgot Thursday!” she guggle.</p> - -<p>“Could you not forget Monday or Wednesday -next time?” I acknowledge.</p> - -<p>“When Thursday comes again, remind me it -is here,” she snuggest while tucking her hairs.</p> - -<p>So I again enslave myself with fidelity for 6½<span class="pagenum" id="Page_14">14</span> -complete days. This Thursday, I think so, me & -Nogi should see that delicious cemetery while -brightness of weather was there. Once more I -write Nogi, “Come meet me at kitchen, so we -sure find each other.” He reply back, “Will do.”</p> - -<p>Next Thursday come up. More sunshininess -of thermometer I never saw. On such days birds -gets headaches from too much song. So I was -prepare to elope away for slight vacation. By -early date of breakfast I encroach up to Mrs. -Boss and reply with butler voice, “Thursday -have arrive!”</p> - -<p>“So glad you remind me—so he has!” she -gosp. “If you had not speak I would forgot—Daughters -of Samantha Stitching Society meet -here this p.m. You must assist with salad-eat -for 41.”</p> - -<p>“Are this not my outside day?” I repeat for -slight peev of tone.</p> - -<p>“Be less impertinent in your impudence,” she -snagger while walking.</p> - -<p>I remain where was that afternoon. Yet my -soul became so sogged he nearly dropped out. -At 2 p.m. while I was chopping up detestable -chicken for salad-feed, my Cousin Nogi make -smiling knock-knock to kitchen door.</p> - -<p>“When shall you get out?” he require with -fashionable derby.</p> - -<p>“I am hopelessly sentenced for life,” I reply -spirally. “Set down in chairs and enjoy my -imprisonment.”</p> - -<p>Ring-door occur so I must lay aside my apron<span class="pagenum" id="Page_15">15</span> -and other sorrows while opening knob for assorted -fat ladies. When I go back to kitchen -and commence explaining indignation in Japanese -to Cousin Nogi, then Mrs. Hoke poke her -features in door.</p> - -<p>“Who that?” she require hashly, making -points to Nogi.</p> - -<p>“My affectionate cousin Nogi,” I corrode.</p> - -<p>“You are not permitted to amuse cousins -while working,” she snib. “Howeverly, Nogi -may remain if he help pass salad to Daughters -of Samantha.”</p> - -<p>Loudly crash heard when Nogi was escaping -through window.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, Thursday Out are like any other -form of love. If you never had it you never -miss it. I had 2 Thursdays removed from me -and was getting accustomed to do without.</p> - -<p>When another Thursday arrive up all Nature -look cross & aggravated. Extreme cyclones begin -blowing away Kansas; trees threw down, huj -landslides of snow fell from heaven while wet -rain also was there to make puddles amidst ice.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke arrive in kitchen -with her face filled up from the sunshine which -was not in sky.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say so, making charity expression -of mouth, “you have been earnestly faithful -Japanese in bake, stew, and dish-wash.”</p> - -<p>“I confess it.” This from me.</p> - -<p>“Therefore I shall reward it,” she sympathize -while pointing to outdoors where nature were<span class="pagenum" id="Page_16">16</span> -feeling seasick while blowing down hen-shed. -“I give you your Thursday Out.”</p> - -<p>“I bid you merry no thanks!” I say it. “If -convenient, I shall take my outing inside where -there is less pneumonia.”</p> - -<p>“O!” she defy with steam voice. “You dishobey -my orders?”</p> - -<p>“If convenient,” I snagger, “I prefer my picnic -in my bedroom where there is only one leak.”</p> - -<p>“Shall not do!” she howell. “Your lung require -fresh air Thursday.”</p> - -<p>“My lung feel plenty fresh already,” I insure.</p> - -<p>“O boneless Japanese!” she retork. “Why -should I be continuously thoughtful for your -convenience? Why should I treat you gently like -a horse when you stand there and kick my kindness -back in my face?”</p> - -<p>Bang door. She popp away.</p> - -<p>When dishes was entirely washed off I retire -upwards to my room with my mind full of -vacation. This department where I slept was -neat room for Japanese, but too small for Swedes. -What should I do with this enclosed Thursday? -Sleep, perhapsly, and enjoy a few nightmares by -daylight? This seem too inappropriate. What -then should I?</p> - -<p>I set on bed opposite bursted portrait of Hon. -Geo. W. Washington while watching drop-drip -of rain falling into wash-bowl. Pretty soonly I -uprose and lock door.</p> - -<p>How should I be amused? Then, of suddenly, -I think it. Music! That are considered most<span class="pagenum" id="Page_17">17</span> -fashionable indoor exercise for jaded fatigue. -So I open up trunk and got out following implements:</p> - -<ul> -<li> -1 Japanese banjo of whang-string variety.</li> -<li>5 complete cigars of Philippine factory.</li> -<li>1 music entitled “Jolly Widow Wedding March.”</li> -<li>1 umbrella of American nationality.</li> -</ul> - -<p>I tie umbrella to bed, so keep off drop-drip. I -arrange myself under this water-shed, light cigar -in teeth, put banjo in knuckles, retain music on -knee. Then I commence beginning. Japanese -banjos, Mr. Editor, refuse to wear American -tunes unless forced to do so; but by practical -continuation of pick-pick on strings I can become -quite Mozart. I spent 2½ hours at this musical -sympathy, filling small room with more sounds -than it could contain and almost becoming tuneful, -when—O startle!—knock-knock rapped at -door.</p> - -<p>“Come inwards!” I holla.</p> - -<p>“Can’t do, and be pretty quick about it!” -glub basso voice of Hon. Mr. Hoke, making rattles -from locked knob. “Please unlock door so -I can drag you out.”</p> - -<p>I oblige politely by unlatching that locker. -Hon. Hoke rosh inwards and stand sky-scraping -over me like bulldogs scaring mice.</p> - -<p>“Why you mean?” he thonder. “Why you -so reptilian in depravity when kind Mrs. Wife -are so angel-handed? Are she not entirely generous?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_18">18</span></p> - -<p>“She are quite Carnegie,” I pronounce humbly.</p> - -<p>“Did she not give you my shoes last week?”</p> - -<p>“She do. I am saving them to give to some -tramp who like ventilated soles,” I oblate.</p> - -<p>“What are more ungrateful than ingratitude?” -he hoop. “And now this sweetish lady -offer you Thursday which you refuse. Why -so?”</p> - -<p>I point out of window where weather was -there shooting lightning into churches while -thunder cursed with entreme bellus.</p> - -<p>“I do not like this Thursday,” I renig. “It is -damaged.”</p> - -<p>“You shall be included among the wreckage!” -he nash while compelling me downstair. And -next I stood alonesome in the midst of Thursday -which was quite drowned.</p> - -<p class="pnb"> -Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"><span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> - -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo.</span></p> - -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_19">19</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="II">II<br /> - -Togo’s Moving Day</h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who -are still there, I hopes,</i></p> - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—Kindly to please notice my -detachment from employ of Hon. Mrs. -& Mr. Anna G. Sulkz, Cornstable, N. J. -I shall tell you how they carelussly came to -remove their home without including me among -furniture.</p> - -<p>One morning a.m. Hon. Mrs. arrive to -kitchen and observe me singing Japanese opera -amid dish-pans.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say it, “date of Maytime will -soonly arrive up. May Day are come when -nervus prostration are enjoyed by all Homes -which must travel for their health.”</p> - -<p>“I should like learn this education,” I say it.</p> - -<p>“You shall,” she pronounce. “Kindly to begin -at oncely. Firstly you may rave through -house tearing all pictures down and all carpets -up. We must move on Wednesday before our -lease stops doing so.”</p> - -<p>“I shall obey with faithful mania,” are promus -from me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_20">20</span></p> - -<p>So I do so to any extent. I seek forth with -tack hammer and am so earnest from labor that -entire residence look quite cyclone. Too bad -important cow portrait hanging over piano were -crushed by falling on that mahogany music! -Also sorry to observe so much jugs, china, and -ancestors bursted by striking me while I worked! -But what you expect? Home are like any other -ship. It would not be wrecked if it would remain -motionless.</p> - -<p>But Hon. Mrs. Sulkz would not agree to this -wisdoms. When plaster cast of Mr. Dante, -famous inferno, fell over and stroked me on forehead -with his sharp nose, Hon. Mrs. make loudy -ouch.</p> - -<p>“Awful!” she yellup. “Why must everything -break what strikes you?”</p> - -<p>“I am grieved.” This from me. “If that -poet gentleman had less soft head it would not -explode when striking mine.”</p> - -<p>“It were an artistic bust,” she narrate while -weeping.</p> - -<p>“I notice this,” I reprobate while sweeping up -small plaster fraxures from that great poetry.—And -so onwards.</p> - -<p>When Hon. Sulkz, important gentleman of -Senator Penrose resemblance, retire homewards -that night, he look round with anxious thumbs.</p> - -<p>“I wish women could vote,” he exaggerate, -“because then they would get less time for housekeeping -and home would be left comfortable once -in a whiles.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_21">21</span></p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. make pepper answer to this reply, -but I were too busy dragging carpet downstairs -by his ears.</p> - -<p>At lastly morning of May date arrive. I -awoke and called me early, wishing to think -Tennyson poem, but could not do because rain -ensued as usual and Italian-speaking shovels was -digging gas-hole in street amidst intense odor -of smell.</p> - -<p>I hear noise of considerable “Whoa!” befront -of house. Look see! Three swollen -wagons resembling circus was there while 3 -drivers, assisted by enlarged Irish, spoke language -to horses wearing overalls.</p> - -<p>I rosh downwards to open door and all Moving -Vanners rosh inwards intending to make jiu-jitsu -with furniture.</p> - -<p>“O please!” collapse Hon. Mrs. while them 6 -Vanners looked cruelty at piano while unrolling -their giant muscles. “O please be gentle with -my home!”</p> - -<p>“Mrs. Lady,” say Hon. Boss Mover, making -chawtobacco, “strong men are always kindest.” -With such dictation he embrace Hon. Piano with -terrible Turkish elbows and knock off several legs -by removing door-knob while brushing too close. -Assisted by considerable Irish, Hon. Piano make -crash-bang music by stumbling into Van.</p> - -<p>“How could you treat music so carelussly?” -chock Hon. Mrs. ringing her hands.</p> - -<p>“One cannot be a Sandow and a Paderewski -at same moment,” snuggest Hon. Boss Vanner<span class="pagenum" id="Page_22">22</span> -while performing slides with bed furniture.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly all that Home was ejected outward -into street. Ancestors, coal-scuttles, landscapes, -dictionary, dust-pan, etc. all waltzed down -stairway on top of that great muscle. When -Hon. Vanner drop bureau which crack in 2 he -say to Hon. Mrs. Sulkz, with chivalry expression, -“I call you to witness; this goods is damaged.” -And so onwards.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly, when that Home were completely -tied down in wagons, Hon. Mrs. arise -upwards from her nervus prostration and say -so to me, “Togo, can your brain do some intellect?”</p> - -<p>“I shall be entirely brilliant, if brain is not,” -I promus.</p> - -<p>“Well, if so,” she snagger, “I wish you would -ride on front wagon with Chief Housebreaker -and tell his brainless mind the number of new -house where it should go.”</p> - -<p>“Where shall it be?” I inquest.</p> - -<p>“Remember this number exactly—125 North -Orange Street. Can your memory assimilate -it?”</p> - -<p>“Doggishly!” I insure.</p> - -<p>“Remember—125!!” she holla while Hon. -Vanload chuckle off.</p> - -<p>This job of bossing boss make me entirely enlarged -in my sensations which feel like German -army. To think of! Small-down Japanese like -me setting there in frontwheel seat dictating orders<span class="pagenum" id="Page_23">23</span> -to gigantic Irish! This show how brains -is more muscular than muscle.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly we arrive up to home entitled -Number 125. O such landscape of expensive -house! Front lawn extending on all sides, considerable -pompus windows, goddesses in iron -nightgowns standing near fountains, and front -door of considerable brass resembling Senators. -Joy inflamed my ears. How pleasure I feel to -know that Hon. Mr. Sulkz had increased his -salary so much he could afford to move into -house like a library.</p> - -<p>While thinking this intelligence I stood forth -and command all those enlarged Vanners like -Napoleon moving into France. Firstly we go -to front door of new home for open him so -furniture get in. How strange! Hon. Key seem -disabled to unlock it. Howeverly much we twist -and fubble, it make no impression on that brassy -opening.</p> - -<p>“You have got wrong key,” say Chief Mover. -“But not be dishcouraged. I was once a burglar. -Therefore I can deceive that lock into opening -himself.”</p> - -<p>With talented thumbs and several pocket-knife -he stroggled & ranched until—O suddenly!—Hon. -Door click apart and there we stood in -grandy hall resembling theaters.</p> - -<p>But what I see there? Surprise! That home -we entered were entirely filled with furniture of -boastful appearance. Sofas, statues & gilty upholstery -stood everywhere looking natural.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_24">24</span></p> - -<p>“Last family have been too sluggish to move -out in time,” glub Hon. Vanner. “Shall we -throw out this proud furniture and wedge ours -in?”</p> - -<p>“Not sure,” I renig dubfully. “So many -sideboards & pianos might be too heavy to throw -very far. Perhapsly they are new instalment -furniture bought by Hon. Sulkz to fill up.”</p> - -<p>“Gentlemen with so much duplicate tables -should lead double lives,” grubble Hon. Boss -Teamer. “Shall we move inwards?”</p> - -<p>“With immediate quickness!” I signify, making -Admiral Dewey eyebrows.</p> - -<p>So all Moving Vanners do so with immediate -strength. Sooner than before all that Sulkz -home was walking into midst of grandeur which -look quite snobbish to see so many plain chair -& table piled up in midst of that Czar of Russia -parlor. No room was for another piano, yet we -pile him next. Dining-room were too much -crowd for second table, yet we set 2 on top -of each other. Same thing must be did with -beds, stoves, and wash-tubs.</p> - -<p>When all this jobs were completely finished, -that house look like a judge after Republican -banquets—entirely grand, yet too filled to feel -comfortable.</p> - -<p>However! When all those Vanners say “Gid-dap!” -and drove away in Gen. Direction of more -beer, I sat alonesome in house. 4 hours I await -idly doing nothing. What had occurred to kill -all Sulkz family that they do not come to reside -in this new palace? I was confused. Night<span class="pagenum" id="Page_25">25</span> -time approach up. I could hear ghosts creaking -under piano, so I lit $10000 chandelier in dining-room -and ate crackers while pretending I were -King of Portugeese expecting revolution.</p> - -<p>Silence was interrupted by noise. What was? -I heard many footprints walking into house—and -while it was too soon to hide, 2 realestaters, -6 police, Mrs. Sulkz, Mr. Sulkz, child & dog -walk inwards.</p> - -<p>“How you get in here?” howell Hon. Mrs. -with voice.</p> - -<p>“I move in,” I narrate calmly. “This are -number you told.”</p> - -<p>“It are right number but wrong house,” she -snuggest. “I told you North Orange Street. -This are South Orange Street.”</p> - -<p>“Would that make some importance?” I ask -out.</p> - -<p>“Mentality of a mice!” she aggravate. “Do -you not know difference between North and -South?”</p> - -<p>“There are no difference,” I explan with -Abe Lincoln expression. “That were settled by -civil war.”</p> - -<p>But before I could complete finishing my talk, -more civil war elapsed while Hon. Sulkz, police, -real-estate, child & dog poke me through mixed -furniture while I eloped away like an old-fashioned -egg escaping from Dr. Ostler.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_26">26</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="III">III<br /> - -<small>Togo Runs a Furnace</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who -are cheaper than coal, because he warms many -homes, price 15c.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—Most recent job of employment -I was impeached from was home of -Mrs. and Mr. J. W. Humburg, Pondside, -N.J. Perhapsly you can tell me why, because I -am disabled to understand the customary habits -of some households.</p> - -<p>Just a few days of yore I apply there in extreme -coldness of snow. This Hon. Mrs. Humburg, -dark hairs lady of muscular expression, -approach to kitchen and observe me.</p> - -<p>“You are a cook?” she ask it.</p> - -<p>“Yes are!” I say it.</p> - -<p>“Then you will be expected to feed the furnace -while doing so,” she negotiate harshly.</p> - -<p>“Must I be an engineer because I am a hired -girl?” I requesh.</p> - -<p>“I guess supposedly,” renig Hon. Mrs., while -leading me to inferno of down-cellar where I was -introduced to Hon. Furnace. This iron animal, -Mr. Editor, lives like a very homely hermit in -middle of low darkness. He set there in nest<span class="pagenum" id="Page_27">27</span> -of ashes, with tin snakes growing from his forehead -like zinc octopus. His teeth was full of -blazes and he would of made a nice idol for -Japanese to worship when feeling old-fashioned. -I could not love his face which seem too hungry -when open and too satisfied when closed.</p> - -<p>“We never permit him to go out in winter,” -narrate Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>“I shall watch see he do not escape,” I -promus with Wm. Jerome eyebrows.</p> - -<p>Annexed to Hon. Furnace were a slight clock -with one finger going around like taxicabs. -“This are the steam gag,” explan Hon. Mrs. -“He are now pointing 23.”</p> - -<p>“Do that tell age of Hon. Furnace?” I require -educationally.</p> - -<p>“No, not!” she snagger. “That indikate the -number lbs. steam in boiler. You must be careful -about that. If Hon. Steam Gag jump above -25 lbs. that will mean Hon. Furnace have got -too much steam on his brain and might blow up -with Harry Thaw noise. When Hon. Steam -Gag get too ambitious, Oh, cool Hon. Furnace -with immediate quickness before explode up!”</p> - -<p>“A Samurai janitor fears no steam!” I reject -proudishly, while folding my elbows over -coal shovel.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I did not stoke long in this situation -of work, but I make very pleasant impression -of it. Although I enjoy thumb-scorch, ash-eye, -and janitorial pain of spine, yet I commence -to love Hon. Furnace for his characteristic. I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_28">28</span> -begin to dishcover he are like Hon. Beethoven, -famus piano-player—he got red-hot soul inside -his homely face. It were pleasant to watch him -eat $8 worth very hard coal and purr from sweet -digestion. It are nice to be healthy. He seem to -contain no meanness. When I close his mouth -with shovel he forgive that impoliteness. He -love to have me comb his ashes with poker.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly, while doing this, I begin to feel -like engineers running <i>Lusitania</i>. I decorate my -complexion with smudges and imagine how 1000 -Newport passengers was on upstairs deck congratulating -my intelligence. While thinking -thusly I poke more coal into inflamed mouth of -Hon. Furnace. Yet I keep my scientific eyesight -on Hon. Steam Gag for see he did not over-jump -25 lbs., thusly causing mania to explode.</p> - -<p>This engineerish work seem so heroic that I -grew quite peev about merely house-maidenly -work. Yet I was hired to do. So I perform -them with disgust.</p> - -<p>While I was upstairs doing bed-make exercise, -Hon. Mrs. incroach with sharpness of face -peculiar to swords.</p> - -<p>“I am quite aquainted with Hon. Furnace,” -I say for happy smiling.</p> - -<p>“I notice it,” she degrade,“by the thumb-tracks -you leave on bed-spread.”</p> - -<p>“If you would burn white coal, maybe I would -match your delicate home more nicely,” I snuggest.</p> - -<p>She reply by not doing so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_29">29</span></p> - -<p>Hon. Furnace seem more depressed that afternoon -p. m., so I sit beside him to shovel nourishment. -Hon. Steam Gag say 14, which are very -sick temperature. Hon. Furnace look dull-eye -like fish, and more I coaled him the less he het. -I feed him slight soap-box for light foods, and -by 4:11 he smile more pleasanter and commence -eating coal. At 5:12 Hon. Steam Gag awoke -up to taxicab work.</p> - -<p>Thusly I left him and go to kitchen for make -food for rest of family. But my soul would -not get into that kitchen work, Mr. Editor. It -were similar to a janitor attempting to be a chef. -It might be done, but can it? I almost nearly -put shovelful of coal in apple-pie, I was thinking -so hard about what would tempt appetite of -furnaces.</p> - -<p>Howeverly, I finished fashionable foods for -that Humburg family to eat, to include considerable -potatus and canned corn. Hon. Mrs. -who went to Trenton for slight shop-buy, arrive -back at 6:34 attached to her Husband. I observe -that gentleman through door-hinge and notice -his dishagreeable Wall Street appearance. He -look entirely bear-market. First thing he do -when approaching inside was to sneeze while -walking to Hon. Radiator and touching him -with diamond fingers.</p> - -<p>“Huh!” This from him. “Have you employed -Hon. Doc Cook for janitor?”</p> - -<p>“Why so?” This from Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>“Because he makes North Poles wherever he<span class="pagenum" id="Page_30">30</span> -goes,” snig Hon. Mr. I could not assimilate this -compliment which might be otherwise.</p> - -<p>I brought in dinner-food on tray and set him -to table. When Hon. Mr. took chair he looked -to me with serious eyesight.</p> - -<p>“That are nice-looking niggero boy you employ,” -he snuggest to Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>“He are not niggero,” she devolve. “He -got that complexion from being attentive to -furnace.”</p> - -<p>“Oh,” he snagger. “If he would put more -coal in Hon. Furnace and less on that face, perhapsly -I should feel less iced.”</p> - -<p>I could not chide that denaturized man, yet -I thought so.</p> - -<p>After dinner-eat he approach to kitchen and -say: “Togo,” he say with doggish voice, “furnaces -are made for heats. Otherwisely we would -use ice-boxes, which is just as handsome. Any -cook who cannot feed my furnace should be -banished for cruelty.”</p> - -<p>“I understand this knowledge,” I report -chivalrously.</p> - -<p>“Did you permit Hon. Furnace to go out?”</p> - -<p>“Ah, no, not I did!” This I say. “I watch -him entire day and give you my truthful insurance -he did not leave that cellar.”</p> - -<p>“Tonight you must compel him to heat, no -matter how desperado you act,” he snarrel, departing -off with bang-slam.</p> - -<p>At hearing such adjectives, angry rages filled -my hair with scorn. What is so ungrateful as<span class="pagenum" id="Page_31">31</span> -ingratitude? Nothing!! Had I not sat by sick-bed -of Hon. Furnace, feeding him what stumach -would hold? Yes! And yet this crude gentleman -reproach my firemanship with coolness.</p> - -<p>Nextly I become determined. I would compel -that heater to a hotter thermometer if I cooked -my soul doing so, I declare!</p> - -<p>So I ascend down to cellar. Hon. Furnace -was still there doing the same. I shook him -with considerable peev, but he merely answered -by winking his dull coals. Hon. Steam Gag say -18 and act like he was intending to faint away. -I have read in novel-book about bravery of engineer -who save his ship by burning it up for -steam. I shall do similar!</p> - -<p>I burst up kitchen table, which should burn -nice because covered with happy grease. Hon. -Furnace love such foods and eat him with loudly -roar. Hon. Steam Gag jump forwards to 19. -Afterwards I poke in oilcloth which blaze resembling -July 4 and smell more so. At this sight -Hon. Steam Gag leap onward to 21 and that cave -where Furnace lived become quite sun-stroke. -And when I fetch forth excelsior-shave quenched -with kerosene, I never observed Hon. Furnace -chew more satisfaction. Coal I added in hodd—when—Oh, -look!!</p> - -<p>Hon. Steam Gag had arrived at 27 and was -pointing his reckless finger further up! This -could not happen!!! I remember how Hon. Mrs. -had cautiously warned me that Hon. Furnace -would get steamed brain and explode from dementia<span class="pagenum" id="Page_32">32</span> -if Hon. Gag surpass 25 lbs. Yet there -he was approaching 30 with mean taxi-click!</p> - -<p>What should heroes do with such circumstances? -I thought lightning. Too much fire -make too much steam, too much steam make -blow-off. Therefore fire must quit at oncely. -With rapid coal-scuttle I make outrush to kitchen -sink where I fill him with water and make back-rush -to cellar. I open mouth of Hon. Furnace, -and embracing my elbows, throw water with -awful strength. What did that cruel furnace -reply then?</p> - -<p>WHOOSH!!!***</p> - -<p>Out-jump of steam, cooked coal & atmosphere -suppress me backwards with such rapidity that -I hurricaned through 2 doors and 1 window, -arriving in outside snow-bank on the seat of my -stumach.</p> - -<p>“What deed have you done now?” scram -Hon. Mrs. from topside porch.</p> - -<p>“Your furnace just discharged me,” I flop -back disgustly.</p> - -<p>“I congratulate him,” she narrate. Then she -make earnest close-down to window, so there -I sat surrounded by frost.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_33">33</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="IV">IV<br /> - - -<small>Togo and the “Weak-Enders”</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who -know how to make home beautiful by staying -there</i>,</p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>:—There are a vacant place to -be obtained for bright Japanese Gen. -Houseworker at home of Mrs. & Mr. -Jeremia Spiggott, Flag Wave, Pa. That vacancy -are where I am not now working. It surprise -me. This are how it happen.</p> - -<p>During breakfast-table last Fryday Hon. Mr, -Spiggott look uply from Pittsbug news-reading -and say with voice, “Mrs. and Mr. Wm. H. Axweilder -shall be here tomorrow p.m. for slight -weak-end visitation.”</p> - -<p>“They are both entirely unwelcome, I am -sure,” she snob.</p> - -<p>“If we merely asked people we liked there -would be no hospitality,” he rake off. “We must -enjoy Hon. Axweilder’s company because of -his great wealth. If we are sufficiently delightful -to him maybe he will permit me to cheat him -in business. You will love his conversational -talk. For so dull a man he have a most penetrating -mind.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_34">34</span></p> - -<p>“He <i>must</i> have to bore me so deep,” she -snagger. “I like his wife less than equally.”</p> - -<p>So that day she enslave me for hard housework, -so all shall be delightful for this disgusting -visit. All day I do considerable proud bed-make -with swollen quilts of mushy silk appearance. -At lastly tomorrow p.m. arrive when -Hon. Mrs. approach, up to me and say with commutor -language:</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say it, “at toot of 2.22 train -Mrs. & Mr. Axweilder will arrive in custody of -Hon. Husband. Kindly to hitch down Sarah, -the horse, to fashionable bug-wagon and elope -to depot with coachman expression.”</p> - -<p>I go forthly to horse-garage where Hon. -Sarah stood eating his oat. So I hitched it and -made immediate race-course to depot where I -stood proudly clutching harness with grand -thumbs resembling Newport.</p> - -<p>Toot-toot of 2.22! Three human personalities -eloped forthly from Pullmanly train. One -were Hon. Spiggott appearing full of courteous -peev. Another was one enlarged gentleman of -Republican expression. Another were a very -stretched lady whose nose contained great snobbery -amidst eyeglass.</p> - -<p>“It are such pleasant change from our usual -wealth to be trotting behind mild horseback instead -of whizzing as usual in expensive ottomobiles,” -she snuggest sweetishly as we jogg -off.</p> - -<p>“We prefer this style of locomobile because<span class="pagenum" id="Page_35">35</span> -of its health,” growell Hon. Spiggott. Yet he -attemp to appear hospital.</p> - -<p>At hallway of home Hon. Mrs. Spiggott were -enwaiting with face containing smiles. By the -cordial of her behavior you would think she was -glad. “I am so hilarious to see you including -your delicious husband!” she holla with soprano. -Kissing enjoyed.</p> - -<p>“We shall have such unaccustomed pleasure -in these simple surroundings!” notate Mrs. Axweilder.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Spiggott replied by looking iced with her -eyes.</p> - -<p>“I am glad you have came on such an amiable -day for a golluf game!” deplore Hon. Spiggott -putting on sporty cap.</p> - -<p>“Yes. It are going to rain,” say Hon. Axweilder -with slump voice.</p> - -<p>“That will make it seem more Scottish,” say -Boss man cheerly.</p> - -<p>“On what vacant lot have you room to play -golluf in such a neighborhood?” require Hon. -Ax while they depart off looking dangerous with -clubs.</p> - -<p>“This evening,” Mrs. Spiggott explain to Mrs. -Axweilder, “we are determined to give you -dinner-party to include Mrs. & Mr. Washington -Whack, very charmed people next door.”</p> - -<p>“Are they related to the Whacks of Tuxedo?” -Mrs. Ax cut up.</p> - -<p>“I are not acquainted with their geography,” -glub Mrs. Boss.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_36">36</span></p> - -<p>“Unless from Tuxedo they cannot live,” describe -other lady.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Spiggott reply by thinking unpleasantly.</p> - -<p>“Would you not enjoy slight driveway around -neighborhood for observe country and fresh -air?” she require at lastly, as soonly as her voice -ceased freezing.</p> - -<p>“I am always fascinated to see how the other -½ lives,” Mrs. Axweilder shoot up.</p> - -<p>So I again hitch down Sarah, the horse, and -forthly we trotted. While we elope past sweet -gardens & landscapes that visitor continue -gawsping: “Quaint! How comfort people can -be for small salaries!”</p> - -<p>“Many persons surrounding here are top-high -aristocrats!” snarrel Mrs. Spiggott.</p> - -<p>“Undoubtlessly!” snuggest Mrs. Ax. “My -Uncle Henry lives in country residence containing -800 rooms.”</p> - -<p>“What are name of it—Sing Sing?” collapse -Mrs. Madam with sweetly smiling.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Axweilder listen without hearing.</p> - -<p>At lastly we arrive up to Cemetery View. -Country Club for slight tea-drunk. I await outside -nursing Sarah, the horse, for considerable -hour. At lastly both Mrs. Ladies approach outward -with accompaniment of their husbands who -smell quite highball. Both feminines look quite -iced as we go homeward.</p> - -<p>At lastly was dinner-time. I ceased off being -coachman and became waitress, as usual.</p> - -<p>“We only attemp small, cozy dinners in our<span class="pagenum" id="Page_37">37</span> -excluded set,” explan Hon. Mrs. while 6 persons -took set-down to dinner.</p> - -<p>“My dining-room contains 80 people, mostly -nobility,” report Mrs. Axweilder while eating -soup.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mr. Washington Whack, who set next -by her, twist off his shirt-button from excitements. -While doing so he explain how his -family were similarly to Whacks of Tuxedo. -Hon. Axweilder refuse to speak while feeding -his indigestion. Hon. Spiggott steam up his -merriment and tell college-bred tales about -humor.</p> - -<p>When all foods was finished all retreated to -parlor room where bridge-gamble was enjoyed -till late night. At 1.62 oclock Mrs. Axweilder -call Mrs. Whack an Ace & Mrs. Whack reply -peevly, “Renig!” full of scorns. All make go-home -agreeing how enjoyment that evening was.</p> - -<p>At 2.11 clocktime, while those Axweilders was -glad go bed, Mrs. & Mr. Spiggott set alonesome -in parlor room where I could hear.</p> - -<p>“Why do you bring those buffalo kittens to -rage around this neighborhood?” she ask it. -“One day more and I shall poison their foods.”</p> - -<p>“They must get their fresh air somewheres,” -he reprieve.</p> - -<p>“Why should they spoil ours?” she snagger.</p> - -<p>“I admit it,” he jar. “What could be more -disgusting than Hon. Axweilder?”</p> - -<p>“Hon. Mrs. Axweilder,” say her. So they -go bed thinking so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_38">38</span></p> - -<p>Next morning were churchtime.</p> - -<p>“We have engaged orchestra seats for you at -church,” repose Mrs. Madam. “It will be great -treat.”</p> - -<p>“What denomino church is it?” require Hon. -Axweilder.</p> - -<p>“Methodist,” say her.</p> - -<p>“We never go Methodist,” say him. “We are -Osteopaths.”</p> - -<p>“Then you will be pleased to excuse us,” backfire -Hon. Mrs. with smiling glum. “We dare -not neglect religion for those we love.”</p> - -<p>So Hon. Spiggotts depart for church, walking -together like chorus girls. Hon. Axweilders remain -in parlor room reading pictures in comical -supplement.</p> - -<p>“Why you brought me to this disgustly -place?” require she from him.</p> - -<p>“I agree,” he snatch back. “We should have -more fun going to hospital.”</p> - -<p>When I hear this repartee I step forthly into -room with helpmeet expression.</p> - -<p>“Sweethearted Weak-Enders,” I say so, “obtain -your hats and baggages with immediate -quickness and I will snuggle you away from here -before they can catch you.”</p> - -<p>“What you mean by what you say?” they -require.</p> - -<p>“I observe how you suffer. Therefore I help -escape.” This I say.</p> - -<p>“I should muchly admire to go,” he croach,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_39">39</span> -“yet cannot because Hon. Spiggotts would feel -sad to lose us.”</p> - -<p>“Your sudden depart off would grieve them -even less,” I tell. “Last night they included you -among buffaloes and mentioned poison while -speaking of you.</p> - -<p>“Oh!!” Both stand up on their stamping -feet. They rosh upstairs for bag. They rosh -downstairs with it. I go to animal garage for -hitch down Sarah.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly church-bell chime forth while -Mrs. & Mr. Spiggott return backwards from -there. They observe their weak-end gasts on -porch.</p> - -<p>“What—must you carry yourselves away before -Monday?” require Mrs. Spiggott for sorrow -voice.</p> - -<p>“Your poor but neat home is no place -for zoological buffalos!” stroggle Hon. Mr. -Ax.</p> - -<p>“And poisonous food might be expensive from -high price of drugs for economical persons,” -grubble Hon. Mrs. Ax.</p> - -<p>“Who told you this & that?” narrate those -Spiggotts shockly.</p> - -<p>“Togo did!” say others.</p> - -<p>“So thanks!” she say so for sweetness resembling -flirtatious snakes. “Please continue -your usefulness, Togo, by removing my happy -company in time to catch the time-table.”</p> - -<p>Soonly I arrive up to porch-step accompanied -by Sarah, the horse. When those Weak-Enders<span class="pagenum" id="Page_40">40</span> -and other baggage were loaded in, Hon. Mrs. -Spiggott spoke furthermore.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she pronounce, “when 1.11 train -arrives up, hitch Sarah to the depot and continue -traveling by rail with my dearie friends -who can doubtlessly afford to hire you among -their expensive servants.”</p> - -<p>So I spanked up Sarah with expression of one -seeking employment where he is not needed.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_41">41</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="V">V<br /> - -<small>Togo Swats the Fly</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, noble -editor who make fly-chasing delightful among -national sports.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—Last Wedsday midnight p.m. -were historical date when I bade sad kiss-a-by -to employment from home of Mrs. -K. W. Pumphrey, North Bourbon, Ky. This -were too bad accident from my helplessness.</p> - -<p>When I enter this sweethearted home Hon. -Mrs. Pumphrey say me, “Togo,” she relate, “I -am most particular about flies.”</p> - -<p>“I am sure you must raise some delicious -varieties of these live stock,” I collapse for -chivalry.</p> - -<p>“O not to do!” she renig hashly. “I would -sooner have a tiger in my home than a fly.”</p> - -<p>“A tiger might be more noisy,” I negotiate.</p> - -<p>“A tiger merely contains six claws in his -feet,” she snagger, “while a fly got 10,000 -scratchers each containing 10,000,000 germs. -From this you can estimate.”</p> - -<p>I attemp to do so until fatigued.</p> - -<p>“From national science report arranged by<span class="pagenum" id="Page_42">42</span> -boss doctor of John Hopsmith University I learn -considerable valuable diseases which come from -flies. Asthma, miasma, phantasma, connection -of the menbranes, loss of memory, worms (hook, -book & ring) hydrophobia, anglophobia, colic, -bibliography, and jaw-lock. All these are -brought to homes from footprints of this poisonous -bird.”</p> - -<p>“They should not be permitted to fly,” I abhor.</p> - -<p>“It is not when they fly they are harmful. -They do the damage when they land,” she tell.</p> - -<p>“In this they are similar to aeroplanes,” I -snuggest.</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly!” she combust. “At any rates, -I give you instructions. Whenever you see a -fly, track him to his hole and shoe him at -once.”</p> - -<p>“Only horse-flies can be shoed,” I determinate.</p> - -<p>She could not assimilate this reply I said.</p> - -<p>“Whenever I see flies,” she say furthermore, -“I shodder, not so much for self & husband as -for dearie Baby Alexander, who are endanger.”</p> - -<p>“Expect me to fear nothing including flies,” -I narrate cruelly like a Samurai.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, when housewifely lady got fears -for something she got it even when it are not -there. I once did kitchen labor for one lady -who imagine tramps was somewhere all time. -When grocer arrive with order expression, she -holla, “Tramp!” till he say otherwise. She yall, -“Tramp!” when welcoming book-agent peddleman<span class="pagenum" id="Page_43">43</span> -come. One day gentleman in very tired-looking -clothes arrive up to door. She screech, -“Tramp!” and quench him with hose-water. -“I am preacher,” he yellup. “I thought you -was tramp,” she oblige. “At my salary I -should be,” he negotiate while walking awayward.</p> - -<p>Thusly it were with Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey -about flies. Each morning she examine fly-paper -lovingly like mariners studying charts.</p> - -<p>“How much flies we caught this a.m., Togo?” -she ask it.</p> - -<p>“Six,” I say it. “Five house and one butter.”</p> - -<p>“Unloosen Hon. Butterfly,” she dement. -“We should not punish nature’s lovely insex -becouse of sins of others.”</p> - -<p>So I grabb that lovely insex and attemp remove -him from his sticky toes. But when I done -so he turn meanly and bit me on thumb with -hot end of his poison tail.</p> - -<p>“That butterfly are a wasp!” I lecture amid -Japanese word curse.</p> - -<p>“Wasps does little harm,” she say sweetishly.</p> - -<p>“What little they does can be noticed immediately,” -I snarrel.</p> - -<p>And so onwards.</p> - -<p>After 2½ days of continuous flymanship I become -extremely skilful in murder. My ears became -very bright by listening for flies. At distance -of 66 ft. I could hear Hon. Fly walking up -windows. Then was time for me. My eyebrows -containing gunpowder expression peculiar<span class="pagenum" id="Page_44">44</span> -to Bwana Tumbo, I hide behind curtain-shade -with cruel hand containing swat-stick. Hon. -Fly approach, little imagining. Now and occasionally -he stop and rubb his mittens together -so they will be more ready to catch more diseases. -Still I await. Of suddenly I arise uply, -silently like eels drinking milk. And then. -Swatts!!!</p> - -<p>By this warfare I broke considerable flies and -other dishes.</p> - -<p>Hon. Pumphrey, husband, come home saying -scorn about flies.</p> - -<p>“What are so fatalistic about this bug all of -a suddenly?” he ask it. “In childhood of youth -I was affectionately acquainted with flies. While -enjoying cradle-ride of infancy, flies was allowed -to buzz round my head like angel whispers. And -yet I live.”</p> - -<p>“Man who talk like that never had any infancy,” -snagger Hon. Mrs. with peev.</p> - -<p>“If folks in this neighborhood could pay less -attention to screen door and more to window-lock -there would be less burglary,” he otter. “6 -homes has been burglarized while everybody was -busy snubbing flies.”</p> - -<p>He remove one enlarged coltish revolver filled -with bullets and lay him doggishly on table.</p> - -<p>“O!!!” This from Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>“While you are executing flies I shall mutilate -burglars,” he narrate with militia voice. -“And let us see who gets it first.”</p> - -<p>“Kindly not to point him this way while doing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_45">45</span> -so,” elocute Hon. Mrs. Madam looking calm but -nervus.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp100" id="p0441_ill" style="max-width: 62.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/p0441_ill.jpg" alt="" /> - <div class="caption"><i>By this warfare I broke considerable flies and other dishes.</i></div> -</div> - -<p>Another weeks go by and I am very much embossed -in my work. Once in occasionally Hon. -Fly come walking into home on deceptive wings, -yet I pursue. Sometime I make masher motion -with broom & impale him flat against wall. -Other time I allure him gently with towl so he -flop to fly-paper where his feetsteps becomes -glue.</p> - -<p>Once Hon. Fly alight downward on Baby -Alexander nose, shaking his cruel feet, intending -to leave 10,000 symptoms. Spank! I capitulate -that insex by stroking Hon. Baby on head with -apron. Yet he cry without thanks for my -bravery.</p> - -<p>At lastly that house were so scarce of flies -you could not find him without advertising. All -day, while not sweeping other rugs, I search back -& forthly with cruel fly-spank. Yet never a buzz -was there. Such was accomplishment of my -great science.</p> - -<p>Night of Wedsday approach up. When dinner-eat -was accomplished and dish-wash ceremony -done up, my Cousin Nogi arrive to kitchen -for make conversation from Japanese politics -while eating cake, kindness of Mrs. Pumphrey -who didn’t know it. Lateness of hour arrive. -When time of 11.63 p.m. come, Nogi make -sleepy go-home while I emerge to my bedroom -expecting tomorrow, as usual.</p> - -<p>I light gass. What was? Buzz! Ah, Hon.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_46">46</span> -Fly, where was it? I turn my eyesight behind -window-curtain—and sure enough! There stood -one entirely enlarged buzzer washing his front -thumbs.</p> - -<p>With sneekret expression I borrow slipper -from myself and stole forth. Crouches. Of -finally, when Hon. Fly seem to be looking at -his nose, I lep. Bangs! Yet he was too soon. -He flew uply, aeroplaned circular for moments, -and then—when less expected—start to fly outward -through door.</p> - -<p>O!! This escape must not! Slightly down -hallway were child-room where Hon. Baby Alexander -layed enjoying innocent nightmares. That -fly must not arrive there to sting him with medical -diseases. If no hero was there to save him -who must? I must!</p> - -<p>Therefore I rosh forwards with slippershoe in -my Samurai thumbs. With talented stroke of -match I lit gass. O yes! There were Hon. Fly -snuggling in air right over eyebrow of that infantile. -I make talented swing to lash him with -slipper, yet he were too collusive for me. Ere -I could brush him dead he make slippery-wing -motion & flew to window-curtain where he hide -shyly like poets avoiding praise.</p> - -<p>I should get him yet! I crouch downly, my -slipper raised uply. But while I do so—O look! -Who there?</p> - -<p>Standing distinctually in doorway of child-room -I observe Hon. Mr. Pumphrey standing -like a cold ghost in pajamas. And in his righthand<span class="pagenum" id="Page_47">47</span> -finger he held that enlarged coltish revolver.</p> - -<p>“What is?” he whasper ghastly.</p> - -<p>“I chase one in here!” I gollup. “He are -now coyly hiding behind curtain of window.”</p> - -<p>“Were he stealing my child?” gawsp him.</p> - -<p>“Not yet but maybe,” I narrate.</p> - -<p>“Wait while I shoot,” he narrate while making -target movement.</p> - -<p>“Ah not!” I holla. “Permit me to do so. -I have killed several with slippers.”</p> - -<p>“How foolhardened is courage!” he stotter -while I lep forwards. Swatts!! with dareless -heel of slipper-shoe I collided Hon. Fly so certainly -that he broke and fell amidst dead kicks. -Prides filled my lungs. Joyly I reach downly, -and pick Hon. Fly by fingers.</p> - -<p>“I save your child without expense!” I naturalize. -“Here is!”</p> - -<p>“Here is what?” he require, peevly chewing -his breath.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Fly,” I reject, like militia.</p> - -<p>“You mean say you approach in here so -stealthly a.m.dnights for catch flies?” This -from him with flashes.</p> - -<p>“I say it!”</p> - -<p>“Great Scotch! And I thought it was a burglar!” -he say disappointly.</p> - -<p>“So sorry I could not find one,” I gosp.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey come in while she -fainted away.</p> - -<p>“Next time you come into my Baby’s room -don’t do so!” she snarrel.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_48">48</span></p> - -<p>“Mrs, Madam,” I decry, “how can you talk -so crosswise? You tell me how slaughter flies -for their rattlesnakish crimes, yet you say scolds -when I do so.”</p> - -<p>“Midnight is not fly-time,” she narrate.</p> - -<p>“Maybe you are enraged because it were not -a burglar,” I snuggest. “Yet what is more -horble to have in house than a fly?”</p> - -<p>“A Japanese foolboy is!” corrode Hon. Mrs. -& Mr. in together voice while dejecting me outside -of screen door where I still remain, feeling -quite dissolute.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> - -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_49">49</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="VI">VI<br /> - -<small>Togo Sails for Bargains</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who -tell all American ladies what to wear, but neglect -to explan where they can buy it.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—I am now entirely missed -from West Dewberry, Mass, near Boston -where it is. Reason for this are dissimilarity -of intellect caused by Hon. Mrs. Violet -Sweet, lovely lady with Harvard voice and bargain -arrangement of soul. I show you how was:</p> - -<p>Last Thusday in the early a.m. of forenoon -this Hon. Mrs. Sweet was setting with Boston -news-print reading it up.</p> - -<p>“Oh!” This from her.</p> - -<p>“What is?” I require chivalrously standing -near respectful carpet-sweep.</p> - -<p>“Great sales are sailing in all Dept Stores! -With immediate quickness I must depart off and -buy one.”</p> - -<p>“Can you afford this extravagance? I ask to -know.</p> - -<p>“In buying bargains I never consider costs,” -she dib with mustard voice.</p> - -<p>She depart offwards up stairs. Pretty soonly<span class="pagenum" id="Page_50">50</span> -she return backwards wearing fashionable hobble -of clothing.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say for gently smiling, “how you -like take vacation to day?”</p> - -<p>“This would be good healthy for me.”</p> - -<p>“I generously grant this rest to you,” she acknowledge. -“All I require you to do is to come -Boston with me & carry whatever shopping I -buy.”</p> - -<p>I a.m.ch obliged. So we depart off by railroad -trolley while I carry suit-case, cloak, handbag & -umburella on my polite elbow. She set proudishly -in cars while I obtain rearward seat behind -her. Pretty soonly Hon. Conductor encroach to -her with carfare expression.</p> - -<p>“I require transfers, if convenient,” she commute.</p> - -<p>“Not to do, Hon. Lady!” reproach Hon. Conductor. -“We never give transfer on cars of -green complexion.”</p> - -<p>“I shall report your backward talk,” she snib.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly she make turn-around to me.</p> - -<p>“Pass me hand-bag!” she say so. I donate -that leather implement.</p> - -<p>She open him up and seek inside with nervous -expression of fingers.</p> - -<p>“You lost it?” I ask to know.</p> - -<p>“I cannot dishcover my golden vain-box where -it is!” she holla, making more looks inside. Eccitement. -“O here is!” she exclam, bringing -up one slight box resembling golden cake of soap. -She open Hon. Suit-case, remove powder puff<span class="pagenum" id="Page_51">51</span> -and make slight smudge to nose with that delicious -feather. Then she put him back in box, -close box, imprison him in bag, close bag and -hand him to me.</p> - -<p>“Give me suit-case,” she pronounce. I poke -forth that valuable arcticle. She open him by -brass clasp.</p> - -<p>“Where are my hand-bag?” she require for -frights.</p> - -<p>“Here is!” I renig. She open him up to see -if Hon. Vain Box are still comfortable, then -close him, drop him in Hon. Suit-case, and -thrust him backwards to me.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly we make changecar at Porterhouse -Junction. We make step-up into red-headed -street-car what await there.</p> - -<p>“Carfare!” holla Hon. Conductor with police -expression.</p> - -<p>“Give transfers to this gentleman!” she require -from me where I sat back.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Conductor neglect to give us that -paper!” I negotiate. Her eyes was full of -vinegar.</p> - -<p>“How dares you talk repartee after losing -transfers?” she denote. So she give 10c extravagant -cash to Hon. Conductor.</p> - -<p>Nextly we came to Boston. Hon. Mrs. Sweet -make her feet very determined and at lastly we -arrive to a swollen building containing glass windows -full of wax ladies resembling Newport. -Hon. Mrs. Boss say “Oh!” with raptures and -emerge inside.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_52">52</span></p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I never observed so many ladies -walking circular as was inside that Hon. Dept -Store. Wholesale quantities of female people -was rushing elsewheres like Suffragettes who lost -their general.</p> - -<p>In the meanwhiles Hon. Mrs. Boss were somewheres. -I could not tell. For 26 complete minutes -I make search-up while being knocked in -both directions. At lastly I dishcover her by -enlarged counter full of blue polka-dots containing -label, “DRESS SILK 19c.”</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she exclam, “where are my money?”</p> - -<p>“No got,” I narrate. Her nose grew angry.</p> - -<p>“Are you so unintellectual that you do not -know my money is in my purse in my handbag -in my suit-case?”</p> - -<p>I give her Hon. Suit-case, feeling very sorry -for my depravity.</p> - -<p>Nextly we descend up elevator. On next floor -I observed a warfare. Surrounding one enlarged -sign pronouncing “Great Slaughter of Waists.” -Hon. Mrs. Sweet see this and holla, “O such -happy bargain!” Then she make inrush while -acting like a mob.</p> - -<p>She attempt to remove one refined clothing -away from a fatty lady whose hat was rye on -her head.</p> - -<p>“Where you come from to act so Indian?” -require Hon. Mrs. Fattish.</p> - -<p>“From West Dewberry, Mass., more better -place than you!” snib Hon. Mrs. Boss.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_53">53</span></p> - -<p>“I shall teach you some manners,” report Hon. -Fattish making tug-jerk to waist.</p> - -<p>I could not see that dear Mrs. Sweet thusly -deposed upon, so I stand forth with upturned -bundle.</p> - -<p>“Stop off!” I holla to this wide woman. -“How darest you be rude to a lady?”</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. Boss and Hon. Mrs. Stout stand -offward and look to me.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” ensnap Mrs. Violet Sweet, “when -you are called on you shall be called.”</p> - -<p>So I withdrew backwards and permit her to -finish that slaughter alone. Again she requesh -me for handbag. I donate it to her.</p> - -<p>“I shall keep it,” she dib. “You are not safe -with valuable accumulations.”</p> - -<p>So she give me one more swollen bundle for -carry and proceed onwards.</p> - -<p>“Where I shall find dish-pan, curling-iron -and latest fiction-book bargain?” she require of -Hon. Floorwalk.</p> - -<p>“Three floor down-side take elevator,” he -computate. We do so and arrive there where -numerous sell-ladies was there making society -conversation and other crashes of hardwear. -Hon. Mrs. Sweet buy dish-pan, price 13½c. I -carry this. She obtain pat toaster, bird-cage & -complete written books of Hon. Rud Kipling. I -hang those to myself.</p> - -<p>“Where I find millinary hats?” she ask out to -Hon. Sell lady.</p> - -<p>“Top floor go upwards,” she indicate.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_54">54</span></p> - -<p>We do so. I stand back at respectable distance -holding Hon. Bundle-package with fatigued -elbows resembling Santa Claus. Hon. -Mrs. set befront of mirror-glass attempting to -make herself look Vanderbilt for $3.29 price. -She try hat with roosters pointing upwards.</p> - -<p>“You look very swelled for the price,” say -Hon. Sell Lady.</p> - -<p>“Took it away!” commit Hon. Mrs. She try -hat with roosters dropping downwards.</p> - -<p>“So joyful appearance!” suppose Hon. Sell -Lady.</p> - -<p>“Remove it!” snib Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>At lastly she choose hatwear with roosters surrounding -it in circles. Hon. Sell Lady enwrap -it in box resembling trunk and this are piled on -top of me. Thusly we start homewards.</p> - -<p>At doorway Hon. Mrs. say,</p> - -<p>“Oh! I must buy a pin, price 3c!” She elope -to counter and do so.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor do you realize to know how difficult -a pin can be? For 41 complete minutes we -await that important sticker, then Hon. Mrs. -must change $5 bill for remove 3c change out. -At lastly when we arrive to trolley outside, Hon. -Mrs. require,</p> - -<p>“Togo, shopping are very outwearing work.”</p> - -<p>“I heard so,” was loud report for me while -restraining Hon. Hat Box where he slid on my -ear.</p> - -<p>At lastly we was in Porterhouse Junction setting<span class="pagenum" id="Page_55">55</span> -in depot awaiting changecar. Of suddenly -Hon. Mrs. holla,</p> - -<p>“Oh!!!”</p> - -<p>“What was?” This from me.</p> - -<p>“I have lost Hon. Handbag. Elope back to -Dept Store with immediate quickness and remove -it from pin-counter where is.”</p> - -<p>I set down all them bundles in pile resembling -an Alp. Then I attach myself to Hon. -Trolley and ride back to where she say.</p> - -<p>With Samurai elbows I sidle myself through -them broad ladies in Dept Store and arrive -up at pin-place. Oh Yes! There were that dear -Handbag laying loosely amidst pile of needles -signed “4c.” I pick him up and start offwards.</p> - -<p>While I was debutting out of door with Hon. -Handbag on my proud wrist, one gentleman clasp -me by coat.</p> - -<p>“You are a shop snatcher!” he acknowledged -glubly.</p> - -<p>“I cannot assimulate your insult,” I renig.</p> - -<p>“Where you obtain Hon. Bag?” he snuggle.</p> - -<p>“He belong Hon. Mrs. Boss who is there!” -I snagger.</p> - -<p>“Come long to penitentiary!” he gubble, -making dragging movements with my wrists.</p> - -<p>“Hara kiri!” I yall, and before he could be -more abominable I give him jiu jitsu and knock -him over a bargain. Then I commence eloping -away with talented foot-steps.</p> - -<p>“Stop Mr. Thief!” several human persons -holla, and nextly I knew I were a runaway with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_56">56</span> -Boston attempting to catch up. I am a very -sly Japanese, Mr. Editor, and when I was sufficiently -entangled amidst streets I redoubled on -myself and escape away to other sections of -Boston where crimes was not noticed. 2 complete -hour of time I hid there amongst flats. -Then I emerge forth and catch redheaded trolley -so I should meet Hon. Mrs. at Porterhouse -Junction.</p> - -<p>“Why you not stay all day?” she require -sarcastly.</p> - -<p>“Should gladly do so, but Hon. Police prevent,” -I advocate.</p> - -<p>“You got my handbag where was?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, please!” I gave it forth to her. She -look at it with disjointed eyes.</p> - -<p>“Living sakes!!!” This from her. She enjoy -deep gasp and faint off. By slight water-sip -I revive her back.</p> - -<p>“Damaged remnant of heathenish immigration!” -she gollup, holding forth Hon. Bag. -“Where you snatch this article of luggage?”</p> - -<p>“Off from Hon. Pin-Counter,” I say so.</p> - -<p>“I never seen it before. It belong to someone -else!”</p> - -<p>Thusly revolving she fainted out again. So -I left her to enjoy it by herself and sklunk away -feeling entirely impossible.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> - -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_57">57</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="VII">VII<br /> - - -<small>Togo in Bachelor’s Hall</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who -must believe in shooing bachelors from neat -homes with other flies and mice.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Sir</span>:—If you make inquiry for -me at home of Hon. C. J. McGumm, Philadelphia, -N. J., please do not go there, because -needless to find me where I no longer am. -I changed my mind from that job of employment -for reason I say here.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. C. J. McGumm are blondface lady -of considerable young years and very goodhousekeeping -mind. Her Hon. Husband (of similar -name) are the only untidiness she cannot sweep -off from carpet when attacking cleanliness.</p> - -<p>“Why are you so rubbish, Hon. Darling?” she -require each nightfall when he retreat home from -office with tired business appearance. “When -you are in house all furniture cease to act obedient -like it should and everything become deranged -apart. Door-knob then become hat-rack -for your derby, your coat wanders to sofa and -fall asleep, while shoes will be found under piano -kicking mud.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_58">58</span></p> - -<p>He act entirely sugar to her. He reply to her -inquiries by kissing expression of mustache, and -they talk dove-dove language, which explain -everything by not doing so.</p> - -<p>But at lastly explodes came.</p> - -<p>“Must marriage always be a cyclone?” she -require one morning a.m. when he threw newspaper -in gas-log with negligée expression.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Heartsweet!” he snuggest, “I wish -be comfortable in my own home.”</p> - -<p>“So ha!” Weeps enjoyed by her. “Then -you do not love me some more!”</p> - -<p>“Why is?” he repostulate. “Must I prove -adoration by acting miserable around house?”</p> - -<p>“You are becoming more detached from me -each day, I notice,” she lamentalize. “I can tell -by your easy, smiling manner that you think of -me too seldom. You break my house rules continuously. -Instead of setting in hard, cheap -chairs, you occupy wedding plush rocker, price -50$, which should be used only by society when -it calls; you make smoke-cigar whenever you feel -smoky; all time you read prize-fight instead of -talking love to me, and each meal you demand -apple pie with insurgent expression.”</p> - -<p>“But I like apple pie,” he snuggest.</p> - -<p>“Formerly you loved nothing but me,” she -snatch. “Now you forget you are married.”</p> - -<p>“Must I refuse to eat because married?” he -snagger doggishly.</p> - -<p>“So ha!” she dib for pain. “If that is where -your thoughts are staying, then all must cease.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_59">59</span> -Farebye! Hence forthly you shall find me c/o -Mother.”</p> - -<p>She arrange hat with traveling expression and -make bang-out from door.</p> - -<p>While she depart off Hon. McGumm stand -by window-glass looking very Romeo. Sadness -showed from his ears and chin. Then suddenly -he resolve around, making humorous smiles resembling -tickled hyenas.</p> - -<p>“Ha, ha,” he say so. “Tee Hee and Ho. She -imagines to think home cannot be properly -heated without a woman. She thinks shucks. -Togo, we show her how. We shall now run -this house man-style instead of lady-style. -Bachelor Hall are only proper residence for male -gentlemen.”</p> - -<p>“I am agreeable for this,” I report fearlessly. -“How should we begin changing the sex of this -home?”</p> - -<p>“Signs of refinement should be removed with -immediate quickness,” he devolve. “Remove -ribbons & home-sweet-home portraits from wall -and order 6 cases beer. In attic you shall find -complete college-boy outfit of Indiana clubs, box-gloves, -and love-me pictures. These shall be arranged -in parlor to resemble saloon and other -outdoor sports. Prepare for dinner-eat tonight -10 lbs. complete beefsteak & 9 apple pies, served -with poker-chips and onions. To night at 7 p.m. -I shall give annual banquet to members of -Yamma Yamma Fraternity of which I was a -joiner in days of manhood.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_60">60</span></p> - -<p>“I shall do so with all the crudeness of my -nature,” I alarm.</p> - -<p>“Banzai & hurrah! We are free!” holla Hon. -McGumm while he depart to office looking happy -but lonesome.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, you scarcely could imagine how I -work to make that tender home look tough. Up -in top-garret I find considerable Yale tools. One -university row-paddle, 6 box-gloves, college pendulums -with hurrah-rah signatures on it, portraits -of class days, dogs, chorus-girls, and other -prizefights all signed “To Darling Chas.” Also -several German-speaking beer-gobblers and one -landscape representing Hon. Gaby des Lys at a -horse-race.</p> - -<p>I fetch these to downstairs.</p> - -<p>From parlor-room I took considerable art, representing -several mother-portraits, portrait of -“Innocence” representing childhood playing -romp, portraits of an Alp by Aunt Sapho Lutz -and considerable photo of McGumm uncles enlarged -from their ancestry. Also fire-screen containing -gilt, and tidy-cloth embroidered with artistic -yarn. Also red splush albuum and several -framed-up mottos from Shakespeare, Elb Hubbard -& Genesis.</p> - -<p>I fetch these to upstairs.</p> - -<div class="figcenter illowp97" id="p0601_ill" style="max-width: 62.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/p0601_ill.jpg" alt="" /> - <div class="caption"><i>When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie all require, “What -the matter with Togo?”</i></div> -</div> - -<p>With considerable talent resembling dry-goods -draping windows, I derange decorations for that -parlor-room. I pile beer-bottles to piano and -fill jardenair with cigars. A rude house motto -reporting “CAMELS ONLY DRINK ONCE<span class="pagenum" id="Page_61">61</span> -IN 78 DAYS BUT ENJOY IT LONG TIME” -I sat on mantelpiece where portrait of Hon. -Ralph Woodrow Emerson once were. Hon. -Punch Bag I roped from chandeleer, while landscapes -representing actor-ladies, dogs and other -glee clubs I disarranged esthetically where was. -I set parlor table with food-plates and decorate -him in central middle with box-gloves and college -pendulum containing joy-cries. Poker-chips -by each plate.</p> - -<p>That room look considerable unmarried when -I finish him.</p> - -<p>At promptness of six o’clock I elope to kitchen -and commence mingling steak with onions. At -6.22 I hear war-song resembling feetball, and, -peaking fourth from kitchen, I observe Hon. C. -J. McGumm bringing home a Varsity.</p> - -<p>“You remember that dreary date of ’99 when -I bursted your collar-bone?” require one polar-bearish -gentleman hugging Hon. McGumm till -I heard him crack.</p> - -<p>“Them were hilarious days,” commute Hon. -Boss. “Let us give rah-rah.”</p> - -<p>They do so, while plaster jar loose from spoken -song.</p> - -<p>When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie, -all require, “What the matter with Togo?”</p> - -<p>“Nothing, no more than usual,” I snop for -dignity. This seem to make them still more -thirsty, so beer was sipped amidst Yamma -Yamma congratulations. That ceremony were<span class="pagenum" id="Page_62">62</span> -done very quietly while tablecloth was burning -from heated cigarette.</p> - -<p>“There was nothing to equal bachelor enjoyment,” -explain Hon. C. J. McGumm while doing -so.</p> - -<p>“Nothing,” report one Taft-shape athlete. “I -announce my engagement to Miss Tessie Dewberry.”</p> - -<p>“We also shall marry in springtime,” pronounce -2 others distinctually. Slight glum settle -over all until basso quartet make song-sing entitled -“Soldier’s Farewell,” which add more -jolly.</p> - -<p>“Let us play penny-aunty as in oldtime date,” -snuggest Hon. Boss. So they do so with considerable -card.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, I cannot understand this gambol. -It are like golf, a game spoken in a foreign -language.</p> - -<p>Considerable pile-up of poker-chip was enjoyed -while one man say “I see you!” yet look -other way. They set for long lateness gossiping -about Aunty amidst click-click noise. It seem -very tame exercise, less cruel than feetballing, -but more expensive.</p> - -<p>By one a.m. time my eyes got hypnotized -from watching this straight-flushing amusement, -so I retired my head on chair and slept away.</p> - -<p>At 3 a.m. by clockwork, I awoke upwards -with basso quartet retreating off with song-sing -entitled “Good-night, Lady!” Yet I could not -see her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_63">63</span></p> - -<p>Next morning 8 a.m. Hon. Boss Man say he -no care for breakfast in dining-room because -it make him feel destitute. So he took egg and -coffee in kitchen. He say he would be home -indefinitely, so he depart off for office seeming -entirely unmarried.</p> - -<p>I took look at the appearance of that bachelor -parlor. Considerable rumpage was observed -there. Quite several cigars had remained where -they dropped and 26 bottles stood by gas-log -looking quite vacant. Portraits of dogs & glee-clubs -hung on wall in unequal position, resembling -sea-storm.</p> - -<p>What must I do with this room? I think -Hon. Boss had told me whether Bachelor Hall -should ever be clean. Maybe not. It certainly -look less ladylike than ever in this deranged condition. -Perhapsly Hon. Boss should be entirely -enraged if I attemp to broom & dust this compartment -he had took so much pains to masculify.</p> - -<p>So I set by table, lit slight cigar, and read -pugilist paper while upturning my feet. As -thusly I reclined I did not hear something coming -in front door.</p> - -<p>“O!!!**??”</p> - -<p>I peek upward. There stood Hon. Mrs. looking -less peaceful than hornets.</p> - -<p>“Hashimura Togo, what species of brutal debutchery -have you been doing in my absentee?” -she snarrel.</p> - -<p>“I no do!” I say so. “Hon. Husband do!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_64">64</span></p> - -<p>“Do not add untruthfulness to your falsehood,” -she snuggest snap-turtlefully.</p> - -<p>“I have read in papers about the distrustworthiness -of Japanese servant-girls. But now -I know. O!!! I leave my poordear Husband -for you take care of. And thusly you neglect -him. How he must suffer!”</p> - -<p>She cover her hands with her face.</p> - -<p>“I swear it, Mrs. High Boss, your Hon. Husband—”</p> - -<p>“Do not swear before ladies,” she snib. “Now -depart away while I faint.”</p> - -<p>I do so feeling entirely decapitated.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_65">65</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="VIII">VIII<br /> - -<small>Togo at the Seashore</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine -who know how cook delicious varieties of seashells.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>:—Among the fresh air at Sandflea -Beach, Conn., employed by Hon. Mrs. -& Mr. Liddbeater, I am no longer to be -found at that address. If some one could find -a seashore without an ocean attached to it I -should be more happily to remain.</p> - -<p>Nikkamura Japanese Employment Agcy send -me there, where I arrive to smiling blue porch -setting alonesome amid winds. The internals -of that house resemble bleached almshouse, yet -Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater say she were fortunate to -obtain it in fashionable location price 200$ -monthly.</p> - -<p>“While by seashore we love the tough simplicity -of life,” she snuggest with sweat-hearted -expression. “We must pay expensively for our -discomforts here, yet we are prideful to do -so.”</p> - -<p>“This place resemble Coney Island, yet less -fashionable,” I report for compliment while observing<span class="pagenum" id="Page_66">66</span> -girl-i-gig machinery on beach, candy, -flirtatiousness and clams while Hon. Ocean -bounce up suddenly making suds.</p> - -<p>“It are splandid place to come for rest,” she -report. “Now kindly to fetch 8 trunks upstairs, -split wood, lynch hammock on porch, and deliver -14 buckets water from artizan well 11 -blocks up street. When this are finished lunching -can be prepare for 10, rugs beat, and ice-cream -friz for party tonight.”</p> - -<p>I thank her and feel sure I shall enjoy this -vacation from work.</p> - -<p>These Liddbeater family have got two (2) -children of assorted sexes, age 17 & 18 respectfully. -Eclaire are girl name and Oliver his. -Both wear very giggling clothes and love to be -engaged. She got Stanhope Whifflebudd, deliciously -matinée boy, for hers, while Hon. Oliver -obtain sweetheart attention from Hon. Bluebell -Vawk, youngly lady of extreme tango.</p> - -<p>All those frivolled young persons take rest by -not doing so. Each evening they must attend -Prof. Pffuster’s Waltzing Academy for more -education in new Max Itch dance, which are all -the enrage. Daytime they must enjoy tennis-play, -walking, quarreling, and other excitements. -Only time they remain quiet is when they go -swimming, for this they can do by laying on -beach under umburellas.</p> - -<p>But when Fryday night arrive up my vacation -become considerably more entangled. From out -from depot emerge Hon. Mr. Liddbeater with<span class="pagenum" id="Page_67">67</span> -tired business expression while reading Wall -Street news from paper.</p> - -<p>“Markets are decomposing rapidly while I -am here,” he snuggest. “Unless I rest very -laboriously I must go back to my unhealth.”</p> - -<p>“What shall we do to make you feel entirely -idle?” require entire family together like chorus-girls.</p> - -<p>“At 4.06 tomorrow a.m. high tide shall arise -and codfish will be biting viciously,” he say so. -“Therefore we go fishing.”</p> - -<p>Groans by all.</p> - -<p>“Maybe you prefer to enjoy your seasickness -alone,” renig Hon. Mrs. Madam with Pankhurst -expression.</p> - -<p>“Darling, I could not,” he reprieve. “I am -determined to share my pleasures with my family. -Therefore we arise upward at 3.30 to be prompt -with hooks.”</p> - -<p>That midnight was night for party where I -friz ice-creams, served slight rabbits of Welsh -birth, assisted chairs where tangos was jumping, -play “Robt. E. Lee Polka” on pianola, and was -otherwise considerable talented. By 2.26 I retire -upwards to my box bedroom under cooked -roof, where I remained outside my dreams till -3.31.</p> - -<p>At 3.30 come tap-knock to door.</p> - -<p>“What is it?” I require with startle.</p> - -<p>“3.30!” holla Hon. Liddbeater voice out there. -“Arise to go fish!”</p> - -<p>“Do fish get up so early?” I ask to know.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_68">68</span></p> - -<p>“They bite best this hour,” he explain.</p> - -<p>“I should also bite!” I snarrel.</p> - -<p>“I do not pay you to make injurious comments,” -he snudged while I hastily coat & pant -myself for day labor.</p> - -<p>All was there awaiting for breakfast with extreme -appetite. When this devouring was finished -Stanhope and Bluebell arrive up with -flirtatious hats expected to attract fish.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” demand Hon. Liddbeater like Napoleon, -“while we fish you shall go along and -whittle bait. Also prepare lunching for 10 and be -very impromptu about it.”</p> - -<p>I do so and we nextly go to shore where I -must carry complete lunching including baby and -umburella. Pretty soonly we arrive to detestable -whaleboat being kept by salted gentleman resembling -damaged admiral.</p> - -<p>“Will this boat hold 12?” require Hon. Boss -Man.</p> - -<p>“So easily!” corrode Hon. Navy. “It were -built for six.”</p> - -<p>Therefore all was compressed in while we chug -with gas-perfumery to central middle of ocean.</p> - -<p>“I have feeling of slight squash,” narrate Hon. -Bluebell when we were five miles among rolls.</p> - -<p>“I hold your hand for it,” report Hon. Oliver, -looking pale but poetic. He do not seem to accomplish -much medicine by this. Hon. Bluebell -become yet bluer.</p> - -<p>All the ocean seem to tip up on one side as -if it was going to spill into California. Something<span class="pagenum" id="Page_69">69</span> -inside my interior stumack seem to speak -of my dead ancestors. And look! Each stylish -person of that cruise begin concealing their happiness -by laying down on it. Groans. Yet Hon. -Liddbeater continue to make happy cheek and -smiling lip resembling Hon. Edw. Foy seeming -comic.</p> - -<p>At lastly he motion Hon. Salt Gentleman to -choke his engine.</p> - -<p>“This are the exact patch of waves where -Thos Cod came to chew their cud,” he explaned. -“Therefore, Hon. Capt. stop boat. Togo, while -all other fishermans lay dying, you shall cut baits -attractive to fish.”</p> - -<p>“If convenient, Mr. Sir,” I bereft, “I should -prefer to join the other groans.”</p> - -<p>“Continue to fish-hook or I discharge you!” -he dib.</p> - -<p>“If you would discharge me back to shore I -would bless you in Japanese,” I gargle. Yet he -horribly threw me clams, unhappy mammals -which I must amputate with dull knife while -spearing them with disgustly hooks.</p> - -<p>Hon. Liddbeater lit pipe of very enraged -smell. Groans by all.</p> - -<p>“Nothing like pipe-smoke while fishing!” he -say for smiles.</p> - -<p>“I notice,” is feebly voice from me.</p> - -<p>Pretty soon Hon. Boss make electric movement -with wet string. He bite pipe more cruelly -while halling in one enraged cod who mock him -with angry mouth.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_70">70</span></p> - -<p>“A beautiful fish!” he yellup joyly. “All see -it!”</p> - -<p>All those sicknesses report “Um” with unhappy -nose.</p> - -<p>“Are he not beautiful fish?” he ask it to me.</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly when younger,” I disengage while -holding my head on.</p> - -<p>Of suddenly Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater arise upwards -from pillows like a fried snake.</p> - -<p>“For sake of your children,” repeat her, “I -ask you to cease making clams and people and -Japs and fish miserable for selfish joy of your -depravity. Put us somewheres where we can -run away.”</p> - -<p>“Fishing cannot be accomplished by running -away,” he deploy with Samurai expression. “I -never depart off until I have caught 14.”</p> - -<p>“O!!” yellup Eclaire looping beside Stanhope -and looking less engaged than usual. -“Drowning would be painless after this.”</p> - -<p>“If you drowned I could save you,” dictate -Stanhope looking very pale Yale.</p> - -<p>“Any shipwreck would be welcome,” mone -Oliver greenishly.</p> - -<p>“Will nothing stop off your mulish fishing?” -require Hon. Mrs. waking up from her death.</p> - -<p>“Unless the boat sinks I shall stay remaining -here until I catch 14,” he growell.</p> - -<p>That ocean now look entirely double to me and -I could feel my courage rolling around inside my -lung.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_71">71</span></p> - -<p>“If the boat sink I be much obliged!” gaggle -all together like chorus-girls in hospital.</p> - -<p>“I know how!” I holla with suddenness of -intelligence. “By preparing to swim you shall -snub those 14 codfish!”</p> - -<p>Thusly exclamming, I lept uply & grabb hammer -where it layed sleeping beside lunch. With -nimble ankles peculiar to heroes I jump to bung-plug -in central middle of that boat. Whacks! -Uply sprung plug quite corkishly and next came -huj sprout of salt Atlantic approaching inside -like giganterous fountain.</p> - -<p>“Brainless species of mice!” reproach Hon. -Mr. while attempting to brush out ocean with -heel. Yet already Hon. Boat resemble bath-tub -where all set in lake. Alarming wakefulness -from seasickness was next to arrive and—before -I could acknowledge—each person make flop-splash -to water including me who was there -amidst swimming while Hon. Boat turn over on -his nose and float up-down.</p> - -<p>I save Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater, lady of large -tonnage but considerable floatage. Hon. Oliver -save Hon. Bluebell. Hon. Liddbeater save himself. -Hon. Eclair save Hon. Stanhope. Hon. -Captain save Hon. Bottle. So everybody were -quite comfortable, thank you, hooking their nails -to stumack of that boat. But where was room -for me? I continue onwards splashing doggishly.</p> - -<p>“Why should it?” I holla with water-spouts. -“I save you from sick-death and yet you will -not support me on your floater.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_72">72</span></p> - -<p>“Get off of!” snagger Hon. Mrs. giving me -crude push with heel while I attemp to sclutch.</p> - -<p>“Did I not stop fish-catch?” I bubble frogfully.</p> - -<p>“We can be sifficiently miserable without -you!” narrate Hon. Oliver while making water-polo -across my head.</p> - -<p>“You are discharged!” howell Hon. Liddbeater. -“Report to my office in New York for -your payment.”</p> - -<p>I hear this ingratitude with extreme compression -of soul. How difficult it are to be useful -when not required to do so! Therefore I would -snub them with my immediate departure.</p> - -<p>Thinking thusly I struck offward in gen. direction -of New York and when lastly seen I feel -very free, although expecting to be drowned.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_73">73</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="IX">IX<br /> - -<small>Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper, who help make -civilization with soap.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>:—Another place where I am no -longer at is Rahway, N. J., working for -Mrs. H. Griddle, cultured lady.</p> - -<p>I tell you why I am removed.</p> - -<p>This Mrs. Griddle to who I came determined -to do Gen. Housework, have got considerable -musical ambition inside her voice. She do all -her housework at the piano. For continual hours -each day she set there making soprano, compelling -her voice to do following gymnasium:</p> - - -<table class="autotable" summary=""> -<col width="60" /><col width="20" /><col width="60" /> -<tr> -<td></td> -<td class="tdc">AH</td> -<td></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><span style="margin-left: 3em">yi</span></td> -<td class="tdc"></td> -<td class="tdl">yi</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><span style="margin-left: 1.5em">yi</span></td> -<td class="tdc"></td> -<td class="tdc"><span style="margin-left: 1.5em">yi</span></td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Hi</td> -<td class="tdc"></td> -<td class="tdr"><span style="margin-left: 3em">ah!!!</span></td> -</tr> -</table> - -<p>More of this is to be continued. She say vocal -culture require great endurance. She contain -more of this noble quality than I can.</p> - -<p>Washday arrive up to Griddle home by each -Monday a.m. when Hon. Maggie Kelley approach<span class="pagenum" id="Page_74">74</span> -to laundry prepared to drown all clothing -in suds. This lady, who contains 6 feet complete -muscle, is a scrubber of great talents. She -say she was deprived of her husband several -years of yore, because he beat her frequently. I -should like to observe that athleetick gentleman.</p> - -<p>A wash lady is something I prefer not to be, -above all professions.</p> - -<p>But last Monday it was arranged for me.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” dictate Mrs. H. Griddle, stopping her -soprano sifficiently to speak, “you will kindly -give ade to Hon. Maggie today in clothes wash -ceremony.”</p> - -<p>“O thank you not to do so!” I declare with -pathos.</p> - -<p>“Why so?” she snagger with Mary Garden -expression.</p> - -<p>“This Hon. Maggie treat me without chivalry. -How could I be assistant scrub beside her -haughty actions?” I resolve.</p> - -<p>“Either do so or deprive yourself of this job,” -she holla, departing off in high Key of C.</p> - -<p>I find Hon. Maggie lady in laundry preparing -to suds. Redness appear from her hair and arms -while she look to me with cross expression peculiar -to a eagle watching an angly-worm. Then -she lift wash-boiler from stove showing energy -like Sandow juggling automobiles.</p> - -<p>“Jap,” she reproach.</p> - -<p>“Yes, Sir!” I pronounce.</p> - -<p>“Was you sent here to look beautiful or to be -helpful?” she ask out.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_75">75</span></p> - -<p>“Not sure—Mrs. Boss did not instruct me -which to be,” I report.</p> - -<p>“I will instruct you!” she growell like a lady -menagerie. “Become busy as soonly as possible. -You will find a clothes-ringer annexed to yonder -tub. Attach yourself to the handle and ring the -cloths earnestly until I tell you quit.”</p> - -<p>She point to one slight machinery resembling -a hand organ with pianola rolls. I wind this -instrument continuously. Nothing evolve.</p> - -<p>“O Mrs. Madam, I cannot hear the bell!” I -suggest.</p> - -<p>“Which bell please?” she otter.</p> - -<p>“You tell me to ring the clothes, not so?” I -ask it.</p> - -<p>“I despise you for your yellow mind!” she -dib. “Clothes does not ring when you ring -them!”</p> - -<p>I could not assimilate the way she said it. -She lift several drowned clothes from the tub and -show me with considerable muscle how to squash -them through those rollers. Clothes, however -wet, can be sent through that machinery and -emerge forth with great dignity like flat snakes. -I turn crank handle continuously while Hon. -Maggie make poke-in with wettish clothing. I -enjoy great pain in my wrist and elbows, and -when I commence to quit, this laundered female -say “Faster” with bull dog expression.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly I lay down my hands and stop. -Her mad eyebrows snub me.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Mrs. Wash,” I renig, “why should<span class="pagenum" id="Page_76">76</span> -you be more cross and peeved than other persons?”</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say so, “my duties require it. -Cleaning things is a job full of tragedy and other -grouch. It would be unnatural to laugh while -washing. Clothes is pleasanter to wear, but unpleasant -to scrub. It is similar with everything. -Dishes is joyful to eat from, but nobody admire -them when hour of dishpan arrive. Nobody -love Monday, because it is sacred to splash and -suds, yet if Monday was abolished by Congress, -there would be no beautiful society on Saturday -night.”</p> - -<p>“Can’t some variety of soap be invented with -more poetry in it?” I require.</p> - -<p>“It could,” she dib, “but it would probably -be useless to take the dirt out.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Mag fill tub with artistic color from blue -bottle.</p> - -<p>“While you are idle you can do something!” -she holla suddenly like a steam whistle.</p> - -<p>“How could I do something when idle?” this -inquiry from me.</p> - -<p>“You see that baskett of clothes?” She point -forth to one baskett full of complete whiteness -like a bushel of damp ghosts.</p> - -<p>“I observe what is.”</p> - -<p>“Take them immediately for hang-out!” she -otter with gloom.</p> - -<p>“What should I hang them out from?” I -require.</p> - -<p>“Maybe you are not acquainted with clothesline<span class="pagenum" id="Page_77">77</span>!” -she say sarcastly while she led me forth -to back yard where she introduce me to this useful -rope. “If I knew I was to come to this place -to be washing-instructor, I should demand teacher’s -salary,” she pronounce glubly.</p> - -<p>“That would be nice job for deserving -widows,” I say for politeness. Yet she seem less -ladylike.</p> - -<p>“To hang clothes,” she instruct, “you must -first lift them one at a time from the baskett, -grasping them by both ears—thusly.” She show -how. “You shake him twice, snap—snap!” -She demonstrate this with considerable clothes-shake. -“Then you buckle him to line with a -clothespin on each ear.” She fill her mouth with -clothespins, and then she lift one tablecloth by -his ears, shake him brutally with her pugilistic -hands, and nail him to clothes-line like she said so.</p> - -<p>“You got sifficient strength enough to do -this?” she require snapply.</p> - -<p>“Maybe-so, yes,” I report.</p> - -<p>“If not, I give you the prize!” she say, eloping -to house without telling me which prize she -meant.</p> - -<p>I put all my intellectual mind on this clothes-hang -job. It seem to be light, agreeable job for -Japanese Schoolboy—simply to lift a clothes -by his ears and glue him to rope with clothespins. -But suddenly I was reminded. That Clothes-line -was 7½ feet in highness, while I stood -merely 5 feet in lowness. How should I get up -there without flying machinery?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_78">78</span></p> - -<p>I observed a step-ladder sleeping quietly by -kitchen window. It was a very diseased-looking -furniture with lameness in one leg and several -ribs fractured by too much exercise in open air, -yet it was a step-ladder. I removed this piece -of stairway to underneath clothesline where I -put him. Then I poked six (6) clothespins in my -mouth like wooden cigars. Then I took one -pillow case from baskett, shook him rudely by -his ears and ascended upwards. Hon. Ladder -wubble on his sore leg, yet I enjoy no fear, because -I am a brave Japanese. With gestures of -extreme courage I pin Hon. Pillow Case to that -stretched string where he clung with beautiful -purity peculiar to washing.</p> - -<p>I began to love this clothes-hang performance. -It seemed so nice and healthful to do housework -outdoors amidst backyard scenery and gentle -summer breeze. It was very superior pleasure -for me, making up and down hops on that ladder -with agility resembling birds.</p> - -<p>So I continued onwards near my duty. With -extreme earnestness I suspended following clothing -where they hung lynched upon line:</p> - -<p>1 tablecloths (slightly dragged on ground, yet -quite pale).</p> - -<p>9 towels (one of them dropped, but was nicely -brushed afterwards).</p> - -<p>3 sox.</p> - -<p>4½ pillow-case.</p> - -<p>While standing tip-top on that ladder I was -enabled to observe Nature. It are wonderful<span class="pagenum" id="Page_79">79</span> -how tall a short Japanese feels while standing -on a ladder! I could distinctly see over fence -into next yard where Hon. Swede lady employed -for cook by Mrs. J. C. Camel was making flirting -conversation with Hon. Ice Man. I also observe -Hon. Cat obtaining slight refreshment of -cream-pitcher from window while that Swede -was too interested. I stood in joyful trance holding -wet sheet while biting clothes-pin like wooden -sigars. It make such inexpensive enjoyment for -cool summer day to stand on ladder beholding -other folk’s business!</p> - -<p>In the midst of everything Hon. Swede Lady -turn off suddenly and see Hon. Cat. She made -rude “Shoo!” with voice, and Hon. Cat were -so offended he fell from window in the midst of -milk pitcher and extreme breakage. With immediate -quickness he made rabid scoot for fence -with tail enlarged like a comets. “I shall attach -him for you!” I holla to Mrs. Swedish—but -soonly as I did so—O calamity!!</p> - -<p>I lean too forward and Hon. Ladder stub his -toe and broke lame leg with loud scrash! Bereaved -of my support I make wildly grabb for -atmosphere, Hon. Clothesline was where I struck, -so I clasp him with tense affection. And there -I was, hanging among clothes, swinging my legs -with motion peculiar to wet stockings. Hon. -Maggie Kelley observe me in this dangled condition.</p> - -<p>“Git downward!” she snuggest.</p> - -<p>Before I could reproach back, Hon. Rope<span class="pagenum" id="Page_80">80</span> -bursted and I was anticipated to ground so -forcibly that I sat there wondering what. Entire -clothes-line seemed to surround me with -damp washing like a wounded sail. Hon. Maggie -making hysteria, seize bottle of wash blue in -her prize-fight hands and approach a.m. screaming -war cries. With howell of great intensity -she threw that sky-colored liquid to my head, -covering my nose and eyebrows with splashes of -brilliant art.</p> - -<p>Next she rose to house and obtain broom. -When I seen that female club, I lost my connection -with that home. I lep forwards. I fled -off. I swum over the fence with great skill and -continued to elope elsewheres. Farebye to that -job!</p> - -<p>When nextly seen I was 2 miles Westward setting -among woods attempting to rub wash-fluid -from my forehead which was blue.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_81">81</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="X">X<br /> - -<small>Togo Coaxes Down the Cost of Living</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine who -desire to make high-life less costly.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>:—Please address all letters to -Fineheimer Employment Bureau where -I am looking for it, as usual. Sorrow for -me. Sometimes I think I am like a shoot-gun, -merely make to be fired.</p> - -<p>When last seen I was employed at home of -Mrs. Ethel McManus who reside with her husband, -Mr. Ethel McManus at Honeyville-on-the-Hudson. -They are a very matrimonial couple -of people. They were married only a short time -of yore. Therefore they are living in midst of -wedding presents which they are trying to use as -furniture. How superflous!</p> - -<p>“Togo,” say this lady to me, “I hire you because -we are too poor to live without a servant.”</p> - -<p>“How smart idea!” I report with chivalry.</p> - -<p>“Yes,” she repartee. “I learn this wisdom -from newspaper: ‘A good servant will save Hon. -Housekeeper $6 a week.’ Acting on this advice -I hire you for $5 a week, which make following -arithmetic: $6 - $5 = $1. Therefore I have -cleaned up $1 a week by transaction.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_82">82</span></p> - -<p>“If you kep 20 servants at that rate you could -save sufficient to keep ottomobiles,” I pronounce -joyfully.</p> - -<p>“I have oftenly thought of that,” say this -bridish lady. “But I think I shall begin gradually -on 1 servant and see how much I save.”</p> - -<p>“I permit you to retain all you make off me,” -I suggest for generosity.</p> - -<p>“Your duties,” she utter, “is to keep high -cost of living as low-down as possible. I expect -you to buy food for our home, and to purchase it -with such financial cuteness that everything will -cost less than formerly. When Hon. Beefsteak -cost 28c per lb. I expect you to chide him until -he become more reasonable. Hon. Chicken must -walk down from his 37c perch if he wish to join -us at our table. Potatus, string-bean, butter and -salad must also act less haughty in their prices -if they wish to associate with us on bill-of-fare. -Could you manage this for our household?”</p> - -<p>“Japanese are great diplomatists,” I report. -“I am willing to approach the problem with intense -stinginess.”</p> - -<p>“The duties of a servant,” repeat Mrs. McManus -with expression of old-age peculiar to -brides, “the duties of a servant is to come into -more affectionate contact with butcher, baker and -icer. Thus tradesmen might be coaxed into sharing -with Housekeeper that profits which they -now selfishly keep in their business. You will -arrange this.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_83">83</span></p> - -<p>“I am willing to promise anything,” I collaborate.</p> - -<p>“Each morning after dish-wash ceremony is -over & Hon. Furnace is fed for the day, you -must promenade with basket to market where -High Cost of Living resides. It is useless for -you to squander $2 here & there in reckless provisions. -I read in newspaper this morning how -one delicious and nourishing lunch for 3 persons -might be bought for 50c, including cost of gas -to cook it with. I shall try it today. My Hon. -Aunt Augusta are expected here at noon. I -require you to make miraculous meal for her. -Here is 50c. Take it and be economical.”</p> - -<p>“I could not be extravagant under those circumstances,” -I renig, compressing the ½ dollar -to my pocket.</p> - -<p>“Be as hasty as possible,” she beseech when -I depart.</p> - -<p>“It should take no time to make 50c go a -long ways,” I encourage. “I shall saunter -among markets making storekeepers jealous by -my independent behavior. Then I shall promenade -homewards and commence to cook.”</p> - -<p>I do so and this is what I done.</p> - -<p>I spent 5c trolley fare and arrive to shop of -Hon. Fritz Schultz, prominent butchery. I discover -this wealthy meat-person standing befront -of his store making sweet whistles.</p> - -<p>“O Hon. Mr. Sir,” I commence, “your soul -feels very musical this morning.”</p> - -<p>“A butcher’s soul is like his sausage,” he confab<span class="pagenum" id="Page_84">84</span>, -“full of strange and wonderful surprises. -Also I must feel slightly poetical because Spring -have arrived to my store.”</p> - -<p>“Spring,” I snagger.</p> - -<p>“Ah, yes,” he say off. “Beholt the signs of -Spring in my window.”</p> - -<p>I notice several. One say: “SPRING LAMB!—Marked -Up to 42c.” Another say, “SPRING -CHICKEN—Formerly 18c. Reduced to 27c.”</p> - -<p>“Why should meat behave so heavenly?” I -reproach. “It is continually soaring beyond.”</p> - -<p>“The Trusts—they are greedy about making -profits,” he say, arranging his necktie, which was -full of diamond pins. “The Trusts are to blame, -as usual. What can I sell you this morning? I -shall be willing to part from some delicious pork -chops for twice that they are worth.”</p> - -<p>“At such a price pork should taste like venison,” -I suggested.</p> - -<p>“Have you got any food for sale that is less -ostentatious?” I acquit.</p> - -<p>“Corn beef,” he report. “That homely dish -can be obtained for 22c per lb.”</p> - -<p>“I shall take 1 lb. please,” I order.</p> - -<p>“Umpossible!” he disorder. “My corn beef -come only in 5 lb. patterns.”</p> - -<p>My soul drop back, completely flabbed.</p> - -<p>“Ain’t you got nothing that I can buy for -15c?” I gosp.</p> - -<p>“How you insult me!” he gollup, wiping -meat-axe with rage. So I depart off before chop -occur.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_85">85</span></p> - -<p>It was now 11:30 by clock-time and I had not -yet obtained that 50c lunch. I spent 5c more -trolley fare arriving at Nusbaum’s Butchery. -This leave me 40c with which to do so with.</p> - -<p>“What you got for 15c which is sifficient to -retain 3 persons, mostly ladies?” I ask from -Hon. Nusbaum. He look to me with fatty eyebrows.</p> - -<p>“I can give you 3 nice mutton bones for that -price of money,” he report.</p> - -<p>“Can food be made from mutton bones?” I -ask it.</p> - -<p>“If properly prepared,” he renig, “they are -delicious. First they should be boiled for 4 days -in extract of beef, then stuffed with chicken giblets, -olives, muskrooms, raisons, and 12 fresh -eggs chopped finely. The cost of this dish are -as follows:</p> - -<p> -Bones 15c<br /> -Chicken giblets 1.50<br /> -Muskrooms .75<br /> -Eggs .65<br /> -Raisons .20<br /> -<span style="margin-left: 11.5em;">——</span><br /> -Total Extravagance $3.25”<br /> -</p> - -<p>“You call this cheap dish?” I holla nervely.</p> - -<p>“You would be surprised to see how cheap it -tastes!” he suggest while I walk away from that -conversation.</p> - -<p>I stand with my 40c remainder on sidewalk -and wonder what next. Ah! Vegetable lunch is<span class="pagenum" id="Page_86">86</span> -most delicate for invalids and full of economy. -Therefore I shall go to place of Hon. Cyrus -Goldthwaite, groceries and vegetables. I arrive -there by trolley, which cost 10c because I lost -my transfer. This subtract me down to 3c.</p> - -<p>“What wish?” require Cyrus Goldthwaite, -with spectacles.</p> - -<p>“How much would 3 potatus cost?” I negotiate. -I was sure those vegetable would be -nourishing, because Irish eats them and remains -quite warlike.</p> - -<p>“They come in all sizes,” suggest Hon. -Goldthwaite.</p> - -<p>“Give them to me about ladies’ size,” I suggest, -because I knew they was for a ladies’ lunch.</p> - -<p>Hon. Goldthwaite hand forth 3 gentle-looking -potatus.</p> - -<p>“23c” he require.</p> - -<p>“O, Hon. Groceries!” I abject. “Ladies cannot -live on potatus alone. I got 30c with which -to obtain lunch for 3. From this I must extract -5c for trolley home-trip. What bill-of-fare can -I purchase for 25c remainder?”</p> - -<p>“Sardines,” he say, “are nourishing but they -tastes lonesome without crackers. These rare -fishes costs 20c per box and sifficient crackers -to chaperone them would cost 7c. This would -leave bonus of 3c for salt. Or if you would -think it more delicate you might obtain ½ lb. -cheese at 18c and 1 potatus at 7c.”</p> - -<p>“I am completely puzzled by this arithmetic,” -he said.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_87">87</span></p> - -<p>“Maybe I should telephone to Mrs. McManus -and find what is,” I say so. So I do so.</p> - -<p>“Hullo!”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“This is Togo.”</p> - -<p>“O!” Chillbite voice.</p> - -<p>“I wish to ask, please, what you would prefer -as nourishment? Would 2 potatus and one box -crackers seem more sifficient than ½ lb. cheese -and 1 potatus?”</p> - -<p>“For which meal, please?” she snib.</p> - -<p>“For lunch, please,” I expose.</p> - -<p>“Togo!” holla blond voice from telephone, -“as it is now 1:45 in P. M. and my guest has -already went elsewheres in search for food, I can -see no sensible ratio in your horseless remarks. -How dare you show your face a.m. telephone -under such conditions?”</p> - -<p>“Be more calm to me,” I besearch. “You -sent me forth with 50c to save money from food. -I done so. If your guest went away without -lunch, she saved you that much. Which were -very economical. When you substract 25c from -my traveling expenses you will still have 25c for -profits on the day. Thusly I save you from your -luxuries.”</p> - -<p>“You are talking a vacuum,” she strongle. -“There is <i>one</i> luxury you shall save me from in -future.”</p> - -<p>“Which luxury is that, please?” I deploy.</p> - -<p>“You!” she snagger abruptly. Bang-up for -telephone.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_88">88</span></p> - -<p>Hon. Goldthwaite charge me 10c for that telephone. -Which show that high price of talking -is also increasing rapidly upward.</p> - -<p>With my remaining wealth I advance hopefully -forward towards Fineheimer Employment -Bureau which I am always welcomed.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_89">89</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XI">XI<br /> - -<small>Togo Becomes a Fire Hero</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who -saves more homes than insurance.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Hon. Dear Sir</span>:—Another place where I -am habitually absent can be found at -home of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Susan J. -Fogg, Turnverein, Conn. I was burnt away -from that place because of my heroism. I tell -you how was:</p> - -<p>This Mrs. Fogg lady reside with her husband -and furniture in a residence, which are covered -with extremely wooden decorations, which talented -sculptors have cut out with saws. She -say it is one Queen Annie house. Perhaps so it -is. Maybe this Annie were empress of Coney -Island to build such merry architecture.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. Boss are considerable proud of her -house & what is inside. She got an elaborate -number of plush picture-frames containing -photos of Homer. Also she got cute jugs and -pitchers walking over shelves & tables resembling -decorated bugs doing so. Her dining room are -full of cut-up glasswear to resemble swollen -diamonds. Over mantel-peace are portrait-face<span class="pagenum" id="Page_90">90</span> -of Uncle Seth, famous hero, who was scared to -death in Battle of Bully Run.</p> - -<p>“Home,” she say so to me on date she hired -me for employment, “Home should be full of -objects to resemble soul of sweet lady what -keep it.”</p> - -<p>“What a romping soul you must have!” I -exclam for chivalry, while rubbing eyes to observe -purply curtains and reddy carpets.</p> - -<p>“My house is nearly all furnished with wedding -presents, birthday tributes and auction bargains -of happy days,” she tell proudishly. “I -value them for dear associations.”</p> - -<p>“Dear associations seldom match in color,” I -narrate. She did not assimilate those words I -said it.</p> - -<p>“For instancely,” she go onwards, “there is -painted fire-shovel with snow-scenery from -Grandpa’s farm. I would not take considerable -for that shovel.”</p> - -<p>“How much has you been offered?” I ask -to know.</p> - -<p>But she was thinking elsewheres.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she otter with serious eyebrows, -“there is not one drop of fire insurance on this -house!”</p> - -<p>My heart stand on end for this informations. -“Then it would not pay to burn it!” I gosp.</p> - -<p>“Daily and nightly,” she agnosticate, “I -worry with brain for fear some spark or blazes -might walk into my home and burn all my sweet -art and dear menorandum to zero of ashes!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_91">91</span></p> - -<p>“I shall smother all arson with great cruelty,” -are fire-chief promise I make.</p> - -<p>So Hon. Mrs. Fogg donate to me one smallish -volume of book entitled “First Ade to Fires.” -This literature, which is bound in 4th of July -color, tell me following information about fire -when he gets loose:</p> - -<div class="blockquot"> - -<p>“Chimbleys are most dangerous articles to -have around a house because they gets clogged -with soot, thusly causing inflammation of the -roof which creates blazes and burns insurance. -Total loss. Best way to put out a mad -chimbley is to sprinkle salt down him until he -quits.</p> - -<p>“In case of houseafire, human folks must be -saved before all other furniture, because they -are most combustable. This can be did by throwing -wet blanket over them and dragging them -forth. Valuable heirlooms can be saved from -burning house by taking them out.”</p> -</div> - -<p>I read this instructions, Mr. Editor, and feel -prepared for anything.</p> - -<p>This Mrs. Fogg got one Irish cooklady name -of Hilda Katz. Hon. Hilda are beautiful, except -her face and figure, which are not. She enjoy -very sorry romance, because of Hon. Wm., a -hack-driver, who drove away with another -fiancée and remain there. Consequent of this, -Hon. Hilda weep & cook nearly all time.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she report to me, while making tears<span class="pagenum" id="Page_92">92</span> -and pies, “never promise to marry any gentleman -in the livery-stable business.”</p> - -<p>“I shall avoid this peril firmly,” I narrate.</p> - -<p>“67 doz assorted love-letters this Wm. sent -me. And what usefulness are they now?” -Weeps by her.</p> - -<p>“They might make a sad novel, if printed -among pictures,” I say so.</p> - -<p>She peel onions with Romeo expression.</p> - -<p>But I were too busy being a fire-detective to -think of Wm. and his escape from love. Nearly -each hour by clock-time Hon. Mrs. would come -to me and talk underwriter language:</p> - -<p>“You hear that smell of smoke?” she require.</p> - -<p>“It smell like New Haven Railroad burning -dividends six miles away,” I say with syrup -voice.</p> - -<p>One day, my Cousin Nogi give me sweethearted -gift of one valuable cigar, price 5c. cash-money. -I nourish this dear tobacco very carefully -in pocket and await till late night-hour when -I could smoke him in my room & think of my -ancestors. So I lock door, open window and do -so. In midst of puffs I hear something.</p> - -<p>Knock-knock! This noise by Hon. Door. I -unlock lock and gaze outside to where Hon. Mrs. -Fogg was there with kimono & pale eyebrows.</p> - -<p>“Some odor is burning in this house!” she -gollup.</p> - -<p>“What perfume of smell do it resemble?” I -ask it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_93">93</span></p> - -<p>“It resemble a fire among dry goods,” she -gubble.</p> - -<p>“Be calmly quiet,” I negotiate. “The smell -you heard was merely only slight gift-cigar I -smoke in honor of my Cousin Nogi.”</p> - -<p>“I would avoid such a cousin,” she snib with -nose. “Blow out gas and go to bed at oncely!”</p> - -<p>I could hear her peevishness by her feet as -they walked.</p> - -<p>It were nice, balmish evening of summer -weather when Mrs. and Mr. Chas Hassock, -neighborly persons of quiet fashion, was there to -play bridge-gamble amidst society clothing. Hon. -Mr. Fogg, medium gentleman with tame whiskers, -were also there acting like a husbandman.</p> - -<p>Bridge-card resume for several hours while -those 4 persons sat there calling each other -“Trumps” and other American insults.</p> - -<p>O suddenly!! what was that my nose -smelled? Inflammatory smell of fire!!</p> - -<p>With iced brain I recall what “First Ade to -Fires” said about mad chimbleys, so I rosh -silently to outside house to see how ours were -behaving. O surely yes! Hon. Chimbley were -shooting sparkles & pin-wheels from his enraged -bricks!</p> - -<p>What I do then? With immediate quickness, -I rosh to dining-room and grab 2 salt-sellers in -my courageous thumbs. Making my toes extremely -swift, I clomb ladder to roof & scramble -along shingles with care peculiar to Thos. Cats.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_94">94</span> -Then, by heroic movements of wrists, I pepper -considerable salt straight into the face of that -mad Chimbley. Yet he still continue on making -Vesuvius out of himself.</p> - -<p>What nextly must I do? I think of that fire-volume -which say, “<i>Human folks must be saved -before all other furniture</i>.”</p> - -<p>So I scomper to bed-room, dragg forth one -complete blanket & soush him in wet water of -bath-tub. With these blanket held in my firm -knuckles, I ascended downstairs to parlor where -Hon. Mrs. Fogg set in her marcel hair and considerable -expensive face-powder calling Mrs. -Hassock a “Renig” in bridge-language.</p> - -<p>With wetness of blanket, I stand behind Hon. -Mrs. Fogg.</p> - -<p>“What for?” she holla when she seen me. -But before anything else could collapse, I wound -wettish blanket round her head.</p> - -<p>“Gog!” she report with strangely voice. Yet, -before she could narrate more, I had drogged -her forthly to fresh air.</p> - -<p>“What is the meaning of this meanness?” require -Hon. Fogg.</p> - -<p>“Meaning of Fire!” I yellup. “Why do you -stand there making speechless talks, when your -home is sparking?”</p> - -<p>At this oratory of words, everybody begin -making hook-and-ladder movements. Hon. -Fogg grabb bird-cage and pair of tongs. Hon. -Mrs. save 3 plush albums. Hon. Hassock attemp -to remove sideboard, but it were nailed to floor.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_95">95</span> -Hon. Mrs. Hassock rosh down street breaking -fire-alarms out of telephone poles.</p> - -<p>But I were more Sandow in my strength. -With Samurai knuckles, I grasp cabinet full of -cut-up glasswear and roll him down front steps -to lawn. Loud crashes! Thusly was valuable -dishes saved from fire.</p> - -<p>With deer-foot heels, I eloped upstairs to bedroom -and begin pouring entire household out of -window. Mattrass, pitchers, rugs, etc., fell like -Niagara falling. When I threw forth family -water-color landscape representing the face of -Aunt Nerissa Hodges, it make boomerang fly-off -and struck on head of Hon. Fogg which went -through. Too bad.</p> - -<p>I were just in the heroism of poking brass -bedstead through pane of glass, when Mrs. and -Mr. Fogg escorted by Mrs. and Mr. Hassock and -Hon. Hilda Katz, cook-lady, suddenly encroach -into room and seeze me.</p> - -<p>“Platoon of brainless mind!” they all hiss -like circular snakes. “Who inform you this -house were blaze?”</p> - -<p>“Did I not see Hon. Chimbley spitting rockets?” -This from me.</p> - -<p>“Sakes of shucks!” commute Hon. Hilda -contemptibly. “That were not house-afire. -That were merely me burning negligent love-letters -in kitchen stove.”</p> - -<p>Grones by all.</p> - -<p>“So my house are not afire!” report Hon. -Mrs. for disappoint.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_96">96</span></p> - -<p>“So sorry!” I regret. In distant midnight I -could hear rural hose-carriage approaching with -gongs. “Maybe there was no fire, but this were -very useful practice. Also I was enabled to show -you the iced quality of my intelligence. If there -had been some fire, I should put it out!”</p> - -<p>“You have put nearly everything else out,” -sorrowfully Hon. Mrs., looking outside to moonlight -where the entire interior of her home lay -scrambled on the lawn.</p> - -<p>Hon. Fogg gargle with his teeth.</p> - -<p>“Since you are so talented at putting things -out,” he suggest, “perhaps you can place yourself -elsewheres with immediate rapidness.”</p> - -<p>I oblige. When nextly observed, I were setting -in R. R. Station awaiting for morning train -and feeling quite roasted.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_97">97</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XII">XII<br /> - -<small>Togo Makes Discoveries</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, -whose mind thinks recipes.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Editor</span>:—When Hon. Chris -Columbus dishcovered America, he do so -at his own risk. It are muchly the same -with Gen. Housework—all persons must be entirely -careful about what they find out, because -they can’t always do something with it. I know -because I try.</p> - -<p>My last former address was home of Hon. -Mrs. J. B. Cluck, Canton, O. I am now employed -there as an absentee. Mr. Editor, you -and your magazine are blame for the miserable -anecdote what happen to me there. I tell you, -Mr. Editor Good Housekeeper, how was:</p> - -<p>This Hon. Cluck lady suddenly approach up to -me last Tues. a.m. & say with voice,</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say so, “I am delightful reader -of Good Housekeeper Magazine.”</p> - -<p>“You are one in several 1,000,000,” I snatch -back, with expression of rapid circulation.</p> - -<p>“In this wonderfully home-made periodical,” -she divulge, “I are frequently suprised to read<span class="pagenum" id="Page_98">98</span> -one department name of ‘Dishcoveries,’ what tell -considerable knowledge to ladies what require to -make housework unexpected. This month Dishcoveries’ -give bright recipes on following subjects:</p> - -<p>“‘How to make pincushions from potatoes.</p> - -<p>“‘How to keep moths out of moth-bags.</p> - -<p>“‘How to make babies cry by music.’”</p> - -<p>I assimulate her words with eyebrows.</p> - -<p>“It seem insulting to sell so much wisdom for -15c,” I contuse.</p> - -<p>“Recipes like this,” decry Hon. Mrs., “are -good ways to know. Every servant girl, whether -male or female, should read those ‘Dishcoveries’ -& attempt to do so also. New things can be -thought of only by thinking of something new. -Therefore, remember I expect you to make some -useful ‘Dish-covery’ each week you are in this -home.”</p> - -<p>With such language, she suddenly eloped -away, leaving my hands in thoughtful dishwater.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, it are easier to be Shakespeare -than Edison. Hon. Shak. merely composed -poetry, but Hon. Ed. has to compose inventions -what actually go when expected to.</p> - -<p>When Hon. Mrs. Cluck require me to think -up some Dishcovery, I were completely flabbed -to find what was. Nearly everything seemed to -be already thought of to make home easier—hot -water, ice man, gas, etc. Brooms was there to -sweep with, foods to cook with, each thing for -to do so. When I look around that home, all<span class="pagenum" id="Page_99">99</span> -full of everything, I feel like North Pole after -Hon. Doc Cook was there—nothing else left to -dishcover.</p> - -<p>That week my brain grew sidewise from too -much originality. Yet no useful thought come -up.</p> - -<p>With frequent occasionality, Hon. Mrs. Cluck -approach and dement,</p> - -<p>“You find that Dishcovery yet, Togo?”</p> - -<p>“Great explorers requires overtime to do so,” -I relate.</p> - -<p>No intellectual reply from her.</p> - -<p>Wedsday pass, Thursday pass while Fryday -& Satday proceed in similar manner. At last it -was Sunday.</p> - -<p>This Sunday are devoted to stay-home amusement -by Hon. Cluck, who are a bald-haired gentleman -of medium oldness. He spend this vacation -by setting in slippers and enjoying quarrels -he is too busy to attend to other days. When -these is finished, he reads comical supplements -until fatigued by humor, when he spreads Hon. -Happy Hooligan page over his bald hair and -commences to snore. This program are enjoyed -to any extent while Hon. Mrs. telephone her -Mother to explain how sad her marriage was.</p> - -<p>“Jas!” holla Hon. Mrs. to Hon. Mr., last -Sunday while he was leaping from one nap to -another, “Why should you save your snores for -your Wife?”</p> - -<p>“You comfort me so I cannot keep wakeful,” -he smooth back.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_100">100</span></p> - -<p>“Do you snore while being comforted by a—stenographer?” -she gollup so quickly.</p> - -<p>He said nothing very well.</p> - -<p>“Oh!!” This from her. “If I could dishcover -some way for to keep you from going to -sleep every time you sat in that chair, I should -be submerged by much gratitude.”</p> - -<p>I was standing in next room near keyhole -trying not to listen when I axidentally hear her -make this dialogue.</p> - -<p>Zizz!! Intellectual flash arrive to brain: I -should make one Dishcovery what would give -Hon. Cluck happy-home wakefulness when setting -in that chair. Banzai! I stogger backwards -with Edison feeling of thumbs.</p> - -<p>Next a.m. while Hon. Mrs. were absentee at -Dept Store squandering money on hair-pins, I -approach Hon. Chair where husband love to -dream. With artistic hammer & nails, I attach -Hon. Chair to rope in next room which were -pulled by neat derangement of pulleys. He were -a Mawruss Chair, full of pads and very fat, and -I was proud to see the expression of calm comfort -what he wear while setting there awaiting -happy home-come of Hon. Mr. Cluck.</p> - -<p>When Hon. Mrs. Cluck arrive back for dinner -that evening, food were absent, for reason -because I had been too busy with importance to -think up such triful.</p> - -<p>“Why you no cook for eat it?” she require -with hawk voice.</p> - -<p>“I have cooked something more grand than<span class="pagenum" id="Page_101">101</span> -merely stomach food,” I snuggest. “While you -was absentee, I have been preparing something -elegant for the brain to chew: I have made a -Dishcovery!”</p> - -<p>“O narrate it to me!” she collapse for vasty -excitements.</p> - -<p>“Not to do!” I holla. “Such thoughts must -be delivered by express to editor of Good Housekeeper -Magazine.”</p> - -<p>She glub slightly, but I was firm.</p> - -<p>“If you have time to spare from your scientific -study, please prepare what hash there is in -the house for food which is 2½ hours late.” -She say it.</p> - -<p>At 6:47 hour, Hon. Cluck return back in usual -mood of joyless anticipation. He say several -nouns expressing lateness of Japanese cookery, -then he remove off coat, collar, neckbow & shoe-ware, -expecting to put on house slippers and -smoke-jacket and manufacture comfort.</p> - -<p>“If Togo shall be till breakfast preparing dinner, -I shall go to my Mawruss Chair and enjoy -slight kitten nap,” Hon. Mister glump.</p> - -<p>“If you had more regular profiles, you would -be a sleeping beauty,” contuse Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>“If this home was run right, it would not be -run down!” combust him.</p> - -<p>“If you was not a fungus, you might be a -genius,” detone her.</p> - -<p>I were deliciously relieved to hear them talk -that way, because I knew they would get so -interested in unpleasantness that Hon. Cluck<span class="pagenum" id="Page_102">102</span> -would forget to go sleep in Mawruss Chair until -after dinner was ate. And then I would have -time to show my Dishcovery.</p> - -<p>And so it was. While I prepare what hash I -could find, Hon. Cluck spent time pacing backwards -and reverse with expression peculiar to -Admirals on July 4th. At lastly dinner set himself -on table while Hon. Cluck devoured big dinner -amidst usual steam-roller grumbel about my -unhappy cooking.</p> - -<p>“Can’t you recall some sweet language to -make marriage pleasant?” renag Mrs. Cluck.</p> - -<p>“Marriage are only pleasant when he are -asleep,” he peruse, looking expectfully to Mawruss -Chair.</p> - -<p>When it come to pie time, I could already -observe dormatory expression of lodging-house -crowling over fatty face of Hon. Boss. Yawns -by him. Stretches. At lastly, he arose upwards, -lit cigar, rubbed his tired business eyes & started -for library.</p> - -<p>“I think one slight, little nap in Mawruss -Chair will prepare me,” he say so to Wife.</p> - -<p>“Prepare you for what?” she dib back at -Hon. Husband.</p> - -<p>“For go to bed,” he resnort. He make sluggardly -walk toward Mawruss Chair.</p> - -<p>Now I knew it were time for activity, if my -Dishcovery would be useful. So I ran with silent -speed of cats towards other room where end of -rope was. Through library door, I could see -Hon. Chair setting there with dimpled pads. I<span class="pagenum" id="Page_103">103</span> -grabb rope detatched to pulleys what led to Hon. -Chair. Next thing I could see Hon. Cluck back -up towards Chair, stretch lovingly, and crouch his -knees as if intending to set down. But he wasn’t.</p> - -<p>YANKS!!! With hero strength, I pull rope -which cause Hon. Chair to sidle backwards on -castor. Consequence of this was large. Hon. -Cluck, suddenly dejected from his set down, fell -on his collar button, arriving to carpet so hippo-ponderously -that entire home were jarred loose.</p> - -<p>“O darling Mr. Husband, are you gone?” require -Mrs. Wife, lopping over him with heroine -expression peculiar to Julia Marlowe.</p> - -<p>“Can’t you tell I am here by the noise?” he -gubble. “What spirituous medium has came -here to pull away my chair with unseen hands?”</p> - -<p>“I do it!” I explode with great quickness suddenly -emerging forth from curtains like primadonna -making first entrance when band play with -great exuberance.</p> - -<p>“<i>Why</i> you done it?” Both Hon. Mister and -Hon. Mrs. spoke together like mad chorus girls.</p> - -<p>“It was fault of you & Good Housekeeper -Magazine!” I snuggest to her. “Did you not -tell me every servant girl should make Dishcovery -of something needed in the home?”</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly I did,” Hon. Mrs. rosp back with -question-mark.</p> - -<p>“Did you not tell Hon. Husband something -must be did to keep him from sleeping in Mawruss -Chair after big dinner every day?”</p> - -<p>“I said thusly.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_104">104</span></p> - -<p>“Well!” This from me. “I have cooked up -an Invention what will keep Hon. Sir from all -snores. Reward me, please!”</p> - -<p>For immediate payment, Hon. Cluck arouse -up with voice peculiar to zoology. He annexed -me by the seat of my collar & left me outside -where I stood long time.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, if you wish this Dishcovery for -your page it will be yours for the cheapness of -dirt.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_105">105</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIII">XIII<br /> - - -<small>Togo’s Thanksgiving</small></h2></div> - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who -keep cheerful in spite of Holidays.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—While annual yearly date of -Thangsgive approach up, I enjoy pain -in connection with my memory. Americans -act so peculiar when thankful that I am not -insured what to do. For instancely, I tell you -what collapsed to me last Thanksgive Thursday:</p> - -<p>I were employed for Gen. Cookery at domestic -kitchen of Mrs. & Mr. Romeo Goober, -East O’Rora, Ill.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” say Hon. Mrs., approaching up to me, -“tomorrow shall be Thanksgive Day.”</p> - -<p>“What are origin of this joy?” I ask to know.</p> - -<p>“Pilgrim 4 Fathers first invented it,” she report. -“In historical time of 1492, Hon. Miles -Standish were setting on Plymouth Rock. ‘We -have no foods,’decry Hon. Miles. ‘I have no -appetite,’ snuggest Hon. Jno. W. Alden, assistant -Pilgrim. ‘We should be thankful for that!’ negotiate -Hon. Miles, so Thankful Thursday were -manufactured from that date.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_106">106</span></p> - -<p>“How you shall celebrate this patriotic festival?” -I require.</p> - -<p>“By eating it,” decrop Hon. Mrs. “The more -we eat, the more patriotic we become. On that -Thursday date America are thankful about all -sorts of calamities, while families group themselves -around turkey to express gratitude and -cramberry sauce.”</p> - -<p>“My heart stands upright to think of such -cheerfulness!” I resort. “I shall rejoice tomorrow -for to observe one American dinner -where Kick & Peev are not invited.”</p> - -<p>“Tomorrow we expects to celebrate as usual,” -she report for sweetly smiling. There will be -8 to dinner, to include my fattish Uncle Seth -who equal 3 more. All my relatives is most -sneerful particular about foods. So now will -you please elope immediately to market for buy -one turkey-chicken of 26 lbs. complete tenderness, -4 qrts. cramberries of delicious sourness, 6 -bunches celery-weed, and sufficient punkens to -construct 2½ pies?”</p> - -<p>I go. At Gouge Bros. Market where was I -observe sign, “FAT TURKEY 35c.” To see -this, I feel very humorous about that High Cost -of Life.</p> - -<p>“Such delicious cheapness of bird!” I negotiate -to Hon. Butcher who was there. “At -such rates, how much would 2 turkies cost?”</p> - -<p>“$22.80,” he report for immediate arithmatic.</p> - -<p>“Do you not promise fat turkey for 35c?” I -rake off.</p> - - -<div class="figcenter illowp97" id="p1061_ill" style="max-width: 62.5em;"> - <img class="w100" src="images/p1061_ill.jpg" alt="" /> - <div class="caption"><i>“Have he not been constantly on ice for 2 yrs? Nothing could -be fresher than that,” depose Hon. Butcher.</i></div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_107">107</span></p> - -<p>“35c per lb.,” he snagger financially.</p> - -<p>“I should like one (1) lb., please!” This -from me.</p> - -<p>“We do not sell broken sections. You must -purchase complete bird, price $9.80.” This from -him.</p> - -<p>“At such rates, folks can get rich by starving,” -I snagger.</p> - -<p>No response from him. He go to ice-box -and fetch forth one enlarged fowel without any -clothing on.</p> - -<p>“This are nice fresh turkey,” he satisfy.</p> - -<p>“How you know he fresh?” I snuggest.</p> - -<p>“Have he not been constantly on ice for 2 -yrs.? Nothing could be more fresher than that,” -depose Hon. Butch. I buy.</p> - -<p>He sell me expensive celery-bouquet, price -75c per cluster. It seem disrespectful to eat such -valuation. Also precious cramberries, price $1 -for seldom quantities, added to $2.50 worth punkens -for pie. I promenade homewards, carrying -this valuable butchery and hoping no burglar -would see me.</p> - -<p>While I was thusly straggling along with burdened -back, one assorted dog, name of Hon. -Fido, snux up behind of turkey and made smiling -sniff-nose.</p> - -<p>“Shoo!” I report. Hon. Fido stood waggishly -saying nothing, but looking at Hon. Turkey with -flirting eye. I was joyful to observe this, because -Hon. Shakespeare say, “Them what dogs -loves must have many tender qualities.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_108">108</span></p> - -<p>Date of Thankful Thursday arrive up. By -early a.m. of dawntime I arose up and commenced. -All a.m. that assorted dog, Hon. Fido, -set outside screen door. I permit him. I arrange -Hon. Turkey to polite position and stuff his surprised -interior with decorated crumbs. I satisfy -him with salt & pepper.</p> - -<p>About time of afternoon p.m., I could hear -several thanksgivers scraping their footprints on -rug. Their feet sounded quite hungry, yet I -could not hear any words spoken more cheerful -than Sunday. Hon. Turkey now send forth -smiling smell of bakery, and I was glad to assist -his importance.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly all take set-down to table.</p> - -<p>“We got much to be thanksgiving for,” report -Hon. Goober with sharp knife. “Dinner is late -as usual.”</p> - -<p>“Too bad weather are so full of dishagreeable -qualities!” grubble Aunt Hannah with golden -teeth.</p> - -<p>“It were not thusly when I was a boy,” report -Uncle Seth with grone. “Please pass the -celery.”</p> - -<p>He make smack-taste of this foods, then flop -it back with snubbed expression.</p> - -<p>“I have tasted no respectable celery since -1841!” he holla baffably.</p> - -<p>All enjoy depression by this report.</p> - -<p>Next course was oysters, served with considerable -rawness. Cousin Fred’rck make jab to -these shelled fish.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_109">109</span></p> - -<p>“Don’t!” holla Aunt Eliz, making horror -with her nose.</p> - -<p>“Why should not?” require Cousin Fred’rck -while he swallow up.</p> - -<p>“You are so young and yet dead already!” -ollicute Aunt Eliz. “Toe-main poison are sure -to resume from this.”</p> - -<p>“Food contained less poison when I was a -childhood,” negotiate Uncle Seth.</p> - -<p>“Bygone days has went!” extract Aunt Eliz -with si & grone.</p> - -<p>I go to kitchen for bring in delicious mulligantawny -soup what I bought. While I were pouring -this hot beveridge in plates, I notice slight -smell of burn. It was Hon. Turkey in oven, becoming -too feverish. So I took him out and put -him by window where he be more comfortable.</p> - -<p>I fetch soup in plates to all those thanksgivers.</p> - -<p>“Canned!” they yellup together with voice of -sad chorus girls, while thrusting away plates.</p> - -<p>“Nothing is real any more!” narrate Uncle -Seth with dyspepsia. “Even turkies is deceptive. -When boyhood days elapsed, I can remember -how we was accustomed, on Thanksgive -morning, to salute Hon. Turkey by chopping him -in kneck with ax. We knew he was good to eat, -because we seen how fresh he acted. But no -more. Today, turkies lives like Eskimos—spending -their old age on ice before meeting civilized -persons. No respectable bird-dog would eat -them.”</p> - -<p>I enjoy considerable alarm for this thanksgiving<span class="pagenum" id="Page_110">110</span> -speech. Then, courageous like a Samurai, -I retreat to kitchen for fetch forth Hon. Turkey. -Hope thrilled my wrists and elbows as I entered -kitchen for escort that sublime turkey—but -O!!! I stand gast. I look to window where -I left that sacred bird. Such things could not! -And it was. Empty pan stood there, seeming -entirely vacuum. Hon. Turkey had flewed -away!!</p> - -<p>I rosh by window and look earnestly to back -yard. Yes!! With thankful expression of tail, -there stood Hon. Fido abducting Hon. Turkey -across alley by wing.</p> - -<p>“Come backwards!” I yellup. Hon. Fido -show no impression from my talk. I lep through -window 7½ feet to outside. Quickly reassuring -my legs, I retreat after that slyly doggish annimle, -but he scromble up fence with hooked claws resembling -cats. Too late for me! Turkey had -escaped from my Bulgarian catch-up.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, heroes is most brave when reporting -failures. I do this considerably. So I drag -together my soul and encroach toward dining-room, -where I could hear those 8 thanksgivers -complaining about everything. I walk in there -carrying empty pan. Uncle Seth were just saying,</p> - -<p>“Turkey are not what he used to be in 1868!”</p> - -<p>“It are painful to look one in face!” report -Aunt Eliz, while all agree.</p> - -<p>“Banzai!” I holla, poking forth vacant dish. -“Your digestion shall avoid this agony.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_111">111</span></p> - -<p>“What is?” all exclam while leapting to their -feetware.</p> - -<p>“You should all be very thanksgiving,” I -snuggest. “You have been rescued from considerable -preserved poison by one patriotic dog -what sacrifice himself by eloping with Hon. Turkey -before he could be ate.”</p> - -<p>“Kill the dishonest mammal!” all gollup with -thankless expression.</p> - -<p>“Why you should want I kill dog for stealing -turkey you do not require?” I ask with Teddy -Roosevelt voice. “He should be gave medal -of Pilgrim 4 Fathers for eating a bird you would -not dare to bite.”</p> - -<p>“Then you mean we shall have no turkey?” -snagger all.</p> - -<p>“You shall be spared that calamity,” I say off.</p> - -<p>“How lonesome Thanksgive dinner seem -without him!” mone Uncle Seth.</p> - -<p>“How can we fill his vacant platter?” sobb -Hon. Mrs. “I should be thankful for Hon. -Turkey, however tough!”</p> - -<p>Just while she say this—crashy!! Loud -sound of approaching dog heard from kitchen -window, and Hon. Fido with waggish tail trott -into dining-room, carrying that enormalous bird -in his careful teeth. He lay that absent fowel -reverently a.m. feets.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Fido do not care for this enlarged -chicken, so he bring him back,” I report.</p> - -<p>“Dinner are now spoilt!” decry Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>“How could you speak it?” I research.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_112">112</span> -“When turkey go, you say, ‘Dinner ruined!’ -‘When he come back, you say, ‘Dinner spoilt!’ -I am impossible to understand about American -customs.</p> - -<p>“You have Thanksgive dinner so you can set -around making bewails. So foolish to do! Why -you no choose this date for to kick out Misfortune?”</p> - -<p>“I shall do so!” abrupt Hon. Goober, arising -upwards. “First Misfortune to kick will be in -your direction.”</p> - -<p>Next he rejected me through window by force -of Swedish jiu-jitsu. Hon. Fido arrive by next -kick, and Hon. Turkey flew afterward, striking -me on hair so earnestly he left me quite brainless.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_113">113</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIV">XIV<br /> - -<small>Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango</small></h2></div> - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine -who must realize the extreme difficulty of keeping -home dull,</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—I have leaped so continuously -from jobs to jobs since you last heard -from me that I am becoming a very talented -bounder. The nearly last place to which -I was attached rejected me away because of my -extreme industry in sweeping carpets while company -was there to sneeze. Boss Lady at that -place was kind but brutal, so she give me following -letter of recomment to quit with:</p> - -<p> -<span class="smcap">To Who This May Supply</span>:—<br /> -</p> - -<p>This introduces our Mr. Togo (retired). If -you want to see what a housemaid he is, try him. -He is capable of anything. Please treat him -like I did.</p> - -<p> -<span class="smcap">Mary L. Montfusser.</span><br /> -</p> - -<p>Next place where I took this note were home -of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Wm. Vanderbitt Jones, -residing in very swollen location located near<span class="pagenum" id="Page_114">114</span> -Aspic Falls, N. J. That neighborhood was so -formula that it make me feel quite English while -approaching up to it. I was included into rear -entrance amid buttlers, where Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt -Jones, crystalized lady of expensive -beauty, arrive there and require, “You unstand -how serve tea?”</p> - -<p>“Tea are favorite drunk of Japan,” I exaggerate -pridefully. “It are served there with -ceremony——”</p> - -<p>“It are served here with tango,” she snib -stylishly. “Did you ever learn how?”</p> - -<p>“Never yet,” I nudge, “yet I can quickly -learn to include that amid cream & sugar.”</p> - -<p>“How irritated!” she snib while making her -fingers touch her fashionable hairs. “Howeverly, -since it is too late already, you must remain -staying.”</p> - -<p>A English buttler without any H in his words -took me to long room and show me how pile up -furniture and remove off all explosive glassware -from table.</p> - -<p>“Why you make so much removal?” I ask to -know.</p> - -<p>“When tea-drink begin they commence dance,” -he acknowledge.</p> - -<p>“Tea never make persons dance in Japan,” I -snagger.</p> - -<p>“It are only commencing to have that effect -in America,” he explain. “But in 1914 it are -fashionable to have it go to feet when swallowed.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_115">115</span></p> - -<p>I were chewing this education with my brain -when confused varieties of Smart Setters arrive -up with enlarged limousine hacks and make ha-ha -handshake including Vernon Castle expression.</p> - -<p>I notice great absence of that stiff-souled dignity -peculiar to Japanese Ambassadors when -thirsty for Oolong. Everybody acted like a divorce -and some ladies appeared considerable -Geisha.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones stand by rugs, -with flirting expression and say, “Howdy, -Freddy,” whenever Newport clothing arrive up. -Musical orchestra from behind palm-bushes -commence play “O You Gabble Gabble Glide” -and nobody could prevent misbehavior of feet. -Considerable gentlemen then obtain seizure of -considerable ladies and commence circulating -with stride away expression of knees.</p> - -<p>“If this is tea where is it?” I require from -my soul. No answer as yet.</p> - -<p>My eyes equaled Sherlock’s in search of that -beveridge which should be there. I could not -detect. No appearance of steepage, cup-saucer, -sammyvar, or other tools for making that hot -sip. Yet somewheres I could hear dice-box -sound peculiar to small icebergs clattering together. -O yes! I saw. Coyly concealing behind -palm-bushes I observe considerable buttler -shaking up tea in silver jigglers to include -ice.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly lady & gentleman arrive up full<span class="pagenum" id="Page_116">116</span> -of fatigues from so much slouchy-slouchy dance-step.</p> - -<p>“We will take slight tea,” they dement from -Hon. Buttler.</p> - -<p>“What variety, please?” he require servantly.</p> - -<p>“Martini,” snuggest those couple. Hon. Buttler -pour. More pairs of persons emerge up. -More shakes with ice. More gobbles. More -dances.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones, formerly very -clam-eye and Buckingham in her appearance of -silk clothing, abruptly seize one smallish dance-gentleman -and become more Geisha than all -others collapsed together.</p> - -<p>“It are tango who put the tease into tea,” renounce -one gentleman-boy twirkling by with -lady-girl.</p> - -<p>“You are very Bernard Shaw today, Edgerley,” -she report back with eyes. “Of formerly -it used to be deliciously difficult to compel men -& husbands to come to tea. Now you cannot -keep them away with weapons. Why is that -swift change?”</p> - -<p>“When the tea goes out the tango’s in,” he -define, attempting to wear wit under his moustache.</p> - -<p>It was very hard science to describe this tango-waltz -when I saw it, Mr. Editor. It are similar -to a minuet danced by eels. Angry elbows seem -to be slipping around everywheres while each -ladies and gentlemen seem to be walking sidewise -without intending to go there. Such<span class="pagenum" id="Page_117">117</span> -chuckly movements of ducking away from music -amid bounces! Such clutch and jolt containing -great poetry! I could not unstand how persons -could do this American jiu-jitsu without injurious -breakage of their personality. And yet -no ambulance was called.</p> - -<p>While I stood thusly composing thoughts, -Hon. Buttler walk to me with side-face moustache -similar to Hon. Chauncey Depew when -not joking.</p> - -<p>“While you are doing nothing you should not -stand idly around,” he dib.</p> - -<p>“You wish me dance also?” I snuggest.</p> - -<p>“I wish you to go to royal reception door -downside and permit entrance to all calling -guests.” This he say with voice so expensive I -feel entirely bankrup.</p> - -<p>So I go downside to reception door where I -set long-time for lonesome company by the knob. -Occasionately that music play so flirtatious that -my feet misbehave. Pretty soonly came ring-ring -to door. I admit. In come lengthwise gentleman -with Woodrow Wilson expression and -black-front necktie peculiar to clergy.</p> - -<p>“What name, if any?” I ask to know. I made -my voice show insults peculiar to fashion.</p> - -<p>“I am Rev. Mr. Scornaway, of St. Lucre -parish,” he deliver. “I have came to tea as -usual on Wedsday.”</p> - -<p>“This is no place for a clergy,” I dictate warnfully. -“You can save your reputation by taking -it away with you.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_118">118</span></p> - -<p>“What do you mean by your meaning?” he -snagger. “Do not Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones’s cards -say Tea on Wedsday?”</p> - -<p>“This are not the kind of Wedsday you think -it is,” I abrupt.</p> - -<p>“Poor benightied heathen!” he narrate. -“Have I not been arriving here for tea for the -last twenty (20) years since date when Hon. -Cyrus J. Jones was President of National Distrust -Co.? Have I not been here to talk church-work -with elderly ladies while setting down -amidst famus statesmen and talk on topics? -Have I not met most greatest dignity in America -within this house?”</p> - -<p>“You will not meet them now,” I clabber, “or -if so they will be doing something else.”</p> - -<p>“Pleasantly permit me to pass inside,” he -snarrel clergetically.</p> - -<p>“O not to do!” I holla with Samurai knockles -preventing his forthstepping. “If I relate what -horror that tea is now doing you will not dare to -go inside with your profession.”</p> - -<p>“Tell me the entire!” he commit bravely.</p> - -<p>“They are making tango!” I whasper with -ears full of frights.</p> - -<p>Hon. Rev. Mr. express great sternness in his -jaws like a reformer fighting Indians.</p> - -<p>“Let me get at them!” he growell.</p> - -<p>“O joyful!” I acknowledge. “Then you are -determined to stop it?”</p> - -<p>“No!!” he gargle. “I am determined to -dance it!!!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_119">119</span></p> - -<p>I collapse backwards to setty chair and permit -him to advance to middle of music. For -13 1-8 minutes I remained stationary attempting -to fan away my faint. Then considerable -bashido filled my forehead and I leapt to my -footwear. Upstairs to dance-hall parlor I go. -There, surrounded by sidesteps, hand-clasps, -whirligig promenades, eye-gaze, romp, Vienna -tunes and acrobats I observed Hon. Rev. Mr. -circulating in clutch with Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones. -Determinely I advance to middle of and stand -befront them.</p> - -<p>“Hon. Mrs. Madam, if conveniently—” I commence -to be interrupted.</p> - -<p>“What is?” she require, continuing to circulate.</p> - -<p>I am obliged to make delicious dance-motions -so I can keep up, yet I pursue near her.</p> - -<p>“If convenient I quit,” is reprove for me. I -must now double three loops and whirl my arms -bias to remain next.</p> - -<p>“Why you don’t quit without application to -me?” she ask it while 2-stepping.</p> - -<p>“I wish tell you my feelings before departure,” -I reject while gliding my feet onwards and twining -my chest in stroggle to follow her closely. -“I shall not be a servant in such a fidgetty home. -I shock! What is becaming of America? Instead -of sipping tea, as formerly, they dance it. -Instead of enjoying sociability with brain they -do it with feet. They act midnight at five -o’clock. Preachers come to preach and stay to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_120">120</span> -prance. Therefore, I remove myself to some -other jobs.”</p> - -<p>“Jeems!” Hon. Mrs. holla to Hon. Buttler, -yet still continue fantango whirling, “here are -Japanese schoolboy who should be discharged to -music. Tango him down back steps.”</p> - -<p>Nextly I knew I were embraced by that tense -Englishman without any H in his voice. While -music burst up into runaway tune, Hon. Buttler -show me tango so rapidly I did not know my -ears from my knuckles. O such musical scuttle-step, -back-walk, elbow-jounce, and twist-vine -movement towards outside side of house! And -there I suddenly arrived followed by orchestra-sound -including kick.</p> - -<p>So I 1-step away with bursted gracefulness -peculiar to lame duck.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_121">121</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XV">XV<br /> - - -<small>Are Turkey-Waltzing a Dance or a -Convulsion?</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who must have -many subscribers because he know that where -there is Life there is Blood and where there is -Blood there is Circulation (free joke)</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr.</span>:—The Japanese Patriotic and -Educational Suicide Club, of which I are -correspondent Secretary last night give a -waltzing cotillion and lemonade (25c for extra -ladies who drunk it) at Rising Sun Banzai Association -Hall. Considerable fashion of yellow -complexion was there with Sadikichi’s Brass -Orchestra to play it whenever we danced it. -Excitements.</p> - -<p>Considerable Japanese schoolgirls was fetched -there by that nationality and I was deliciously -shocked to see how American they looked. They -wore crippled skirts of considerable thinness and -their shoulder blades seemed absolutely destitute. -I fetch Miss Ruby Fujimuto, Japanese lady of -aggrevated beauty, with me for escort. When -she removed off her opera-house cloak, I look at -her with my expression all braided up.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_122">122</span></p> - -<p>“Ladies should be praised for their economy,” -I corrode while observing the cloth that was not -there.</p> - -<p>She curbed up with bridle expression.</p> - -<p>“You no like the way my neck is cut?” she -snagger, showing peevness by her soprano.</p> - -<p>“Your neck is not cut,” I narrate. “I know -because I can see it all.”</p> - -<p>She seem less engaged to me than formerly -and eloped away to make dance-step with J. -Haro, Japanese photographer.</p> - -<p>Hon. Sadakichi’s Brass Orchestra make music -resembling roof gardens.</p> - -<p>At that moment of time I could observe how -everybody was dancing. They seemed to be -jouncing in couples, making crowd-up walk with -occasional slouchy-slouchy motion while their -eyes said “How-do!” with Romeo expression -peculiar to Shakespeare.</p> - -<p>“It are nice for youngly persons to be affectionate,” -I commute. “But when will dancing -begin?”</p> - -<p>“They are now Turkey-waltzing,” depose -Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, with Tuxedo -eyebrows.</p> - -<p>My cousin Nogi, who arrive there with Miss -Alice Sago (divorced) approach to me and wish -I should Turkey-waltz with her because he was -lame from when she kicked him. I told him I -was a Methodist heathen, therefore my feet was -too religious to dance.</p> - -<p>“Turk-waltzing are denatured dancing,” arrange<span class="pagenum" id="Page_123">123</span> -Miss Sago with alimony smiles. “Come, -Mr. Togo, I show you how do it!” So I went -and stroggled.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, while I made gymnastix with that -charmed lady, I wished send you several editorials. -What are this Turkey-Waltz, I ask to -know? Were it invented by Turks at Adrianople -while wrastling with the Vulgarian army? Did -Turkish soldiers think up that peculiarostous -step while rolling barrels of powder at Greece? -Why should persons blame Turks with this style -of trotting if they never did it? Mohammedans -has got sifficient bad habits of their own without -accusing them of some more!</p> - -<p>This Miss Sago shove me here & elsewhere -with neglectful expression peculiar to roustabouts. -When music play “All Persons Are -Doing Something” she attemp to dissociate my -spine by wig-wagging my elbows.</p> - -<p>“Make your ankles more diagonal!” she declare -with sweety schoolteacher face. I wish to -ask her marry me, but wondered what might -happen if I did. I make slight jiu jitsu to -her wrist, but she got more stronger grippe -while I jounce alternately like tables in earthquakes.</p> - -<p>“My feet are filled with clumsies,” I narrate -baffably.</p> - -<p>“That are very valuable in Turk-trotting,” she -say for sweetly smiling.</p> - -<p>“So is?” I holla. “I always sipposed folks -must be graceful to make dance step.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_124">124</span></p> - -<p>“They ust to, but no more,” she expose. “All -fashionable 400s today when dancing considers -it great elegance to appear like drunken sailors -wrestling with bears.”</p> - -<p>I should have responded to her educational -catalogue, but she was showing me new jag-step -where I could elevate my knees to music while -being choked.</p> - -<p>“I will nextly show you how do the Jellyfish -Crawl,” she pronounce with Tipsichore expression.</p> - -<p>“If I learned any more dances I should become -a Geisha, which are less proper,” I renig -shyly while eloping away from her armful with -talented dodges.</p> - -<p>When I was hiding behind palum trees where -she could not see me I watched considerable turkey-trottery, -bunny-huggery, etc., with eyes full -of science. Dignified home-made Japanese was -making roof-garden loops with their legs in such -a way their wife & children would feel siprised. -Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, were doing -sidewise catch-and-let-go dance with Miss -Mamie Furaoki. After that actions I could not -see how he ever could look a Y. M. C. A. in the -face again. First they glid together with expression -of happy crabs, then they made a twillup, -two cross-legs & 3 bounces. This was followed -by clutches.</p> - -<p>“They are dancing Tango,” pronounce Sydney -Katsu, Jr., who was floorwalking like a committee.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_125">125</span></p> - -<p>“What slum teaches persons dance like that?” -I abject doggishly.</p> - -<p>“Sometimes Bowery, sometimes Fifth Avenue,” -he report for tone of high-social.</p> - -<p>“Do Fifth Avenue permit the Bowery to -teach them depravity?” I require.</p> - -<p>“Ah no!” ollicute Sydney. “Fifth Avenue -are teaching the Bowery. Vices are like other -kinds of furniture. Rich folks uses them first -and only pass them on to poor folks when they -are second hand. Thusly the slums are seldom -safe.”</p> - -<p>“After Tango is finished what new dance will -explode in the Smarty Set?” are next question -for me.</p> - -<p>“Not sure,” Sydney say so with Harry Leer -eyebrows. “Last week I hear how some high-style -Newporters had gone to Africa for try -dancing with some cannibles what knew some -deliciously low down steps. But after the first -dance they had to quit because they was -ashamed.”</p> - -<p>“Who was ashamed—the Newporters?”</p> - -<p>“No, the cannibles,” notate Sydney Katsu, -Jr., looking like he was prepared to be raided by -police.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_126">126</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVI">XVI<br /> - - -<small>When Will Lady-Fashions Get -Ashamed of Themselves?</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor N. Y. Newsprint or whoever -prints it</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—Of lately I have been studying -American style of fashions for ladies, -so I shall know your civilization from -both ends. It are a very hard science to chase -and in doing so I annexed my acquaintance to -Miss Alice Furaoki, to who I shall become engaged -when divorced. This sweet-hearted Japanese -schoolgirl dress so similar to American -actresses you cannot tell her from white lady, except -when you look at her.</p> - -<p>Last Satday eve p.m., when I was accomplishing -her down street for see emotion-picture show, -price 10c, I felt very Vanderbiltish to walk -so near to Newport dressmaking. My eye -hooked itself to her clothing and remained there -till—O sudden!—I observe what was. I blushed -entirely yellow.</p> - -<p>“Excuse, please, Hon. Miss Sweetheart,” I -gollup. “Your dressmake has axidentally forgot -to sew up the ankle of your skirt so I observe -something deranged.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_127">127</span></p> - -<p>“What derangement do you observe?” she require -with Vassar eyebrows.</p> - -<p>“Not sure,” I stotter. “It seems to resemble -the biceps of your hosiery.”</p> - -<p>“That biceps is situated where it usually is,” -she otter clamly like an ice box.</p> - -<p>“Should it be ashamed?” I ask shockly.</p> - -<p>“It are style,” she decry, “and style are never -ashamed. Togo, why should you stand there -gasping like Queen Victoria seeing Paris? This -garments I are wearing are called a gashed skirt -and is now very favorite at Newport, and Jewport, -on Fifth & Sixth Avenues. Queen Mary -of London wore one (very slightly) while giving -Ice Cream Social to Knights of the Garter. In -Paris it were even more so, as usual. Two -French countesses from Minneapolis appeared -tired out in this costume at Long Chumps race-course -and everybody was so asphyxiated by -charm they forgot to lose their money.”</p> - -<p>“Horses must feel very slow when racing -against such style,” I report nervely. “I am -alarmed to think to where fashions will jump to -nextly.”</p> - -<p>“More will soonly explode from Vienna where -a gentleman-dressmake have invented a dress all -of glass,” she narrate with smiling eyebrows. -“It will be worn in beautiful green shades.”</p> - -<p>“Green shades are necessary to pull down -sometimes when you are living in glass clothing,” -I say so for Elbert Hubbard smartness.</p> - -<p>Miss Furaoki make no intellectual reply, so<span class="pagenum" id="Page_128">128</span> -we arrive inside emotion-picture show to see that -noiseless opera. I think I shall marry her sooner -than ever.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, Hon. Anthony Comestop and -other celebrated purities is continuously complaining -because female ladies is becoming too -much seen in public places. Women is becoming -too brave and their skirts too shrinking. -Hon. Comestop, who are not so strong as he -were before he took up modesty as a business, -fainted 2½ times when he seen photos of Lady -Bluff-Gorgon’s latest style-simpony entitled -“Spring Twilight” and he have ordered entire -U. S. Army to encamp at Custom House to stop -it when she send over Fall-style walking-suit -called “September Morn.”</p> - -<p>Considerable ministers, judges and boss policemen -has been talking like angry uncles to ladies -because of the increasing decrease of their clothing. -I read in news-print last week how Hon. -Judge Killjoy of Salem, Mass., wish to burn all -witches under 27 years of age for bewitching -gentlemen by the clothes they don’t wear. Last -week he order Hon. Police to grabb all ladies -wearing dangerous skirts, but Hon. Police were -too lazy to arrest entire female population, so he -brought Village Belle into court, because she -looked most so.</p> - -<p>Hon. Judge observe that lady’s clingstone appearance -and put on eye-spectacles, because must -see careful.</p> - -<p>“Mrs. Madam,” he report legally like Hon.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_129">129</span> -Taft, “I are not astonished that there are such -delicious quantities of Cubist artists in this generation. -They are the only artists which can -paint modern ladydress so it conceals them sifficiently.”</p> - -<p>“Do you not like what I got on?” she require.</p> - -<p>“I do not object to such smallish matters,” he -negligee. “It is for the absent that I mourn.”</p> - -<p>“I are dressed in style,” she dib feminitely.</p> - -<p>“You are dressed in very little else,” he legalize. -“I should die of shames if I should see my -Wife promenading in street clad in such a lack.”</p> - -<p>“I do not blame you,” she snagger snubbishly. -“I once saw your Wife in bathing suit and can -sympathize with you.”</p> - -<p>Hon. Judge feel considable contempt of court -for this remark, yet he could not hang her, because -her style had not killed anybody yet.</p> - -<p>“Who is it buys the purchase of your wardrobe, -such as is?” he ask to know.</p> - -<p>“My husband,” she pronounce.</p> - -<p>“I shall arrest him for failure to provide,” he -renig hashly. So he lock up court in time to go -codfish.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, numberous reformers is making -weep-voice because ladies is coming out in worse -& worse. Yet I are less alarmed. Styles is like -other forms of advertisement—they are made to -create look-at, and when this stop, they stop also. -Ladyfashions is always worse than formerly, yet -never so bad as they was. If you think 1913 is -hideolous, look at 1880; if you think that ugliferous<span class="pagenum" id="Page_130">130</span>, -observe 1870. Before the Uncivil War considerable -preachers made considerable shock because -ladies wore their lingeries next to their -shoes. In reign of Gen. Arthur gentlemen enjoyed -much sorrow because ladies wore their -skirts in Psyche knots behind their backs. And -now they create peev because ladies does not -wear sifficiently enough anywheres.</p> - -<p>At what periodical time of civilization have -not mankind scolded ladykind for something she -took on or put off? You would think from how -they act that gentlemen must detest ladies for -looking so homely. Yet suicide, divorce & population -increases annually, which show that ladies -can never dress too fashionable to be loved by -someone.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_131">131</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVII">XVII<br /> - -<small>The Drama of Sex</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who knows how -to go too far without arriving there.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>:—My Aunt Taki Kati, -spinsterial suffragette from Kobe, Japan, -arrived here of recently and say she should -like see all the customs of America.</p> - -<p>“What you wish see firstly?” I require for -guide-bookish expression.</p> - -<p>“Theater,” she say so.</p> - -<p>“Had we not better begin with some other -slum first?” I ask out. “There are some delicious -gunmen in jail this week; Tammany Hall -are still open to tourists and I could show you -some splandid opium smokeries in Chinatown, -price 25c.”</p> - -<p>“Why should I not see theater first?” she -require with Pankhurst eyebrows.</p> - -<p>“Because so,” I report. “To enjoy theater -you should a proach it gradually like any other -bad habit. It are better to work up from mild -to more strong. Otherwisely you might become -ill without feeling intoxicated. Foreigners intending -to see American theaters should first<span class="pagenum" id="Page_132">132</span> -take lessons in blonde-slavery, debutchery, gun-manliness -and o. u. kiddery. Then they can -see dramatic arts without blushing too much.”</p> - -<p>“My stumach has been strengthened by hunger -strikes,” say that suffraging Japanese. -“Therefore I can stand considerable endurance.”</p> - -<p>“What variety play you wish observe?” I -say it.</p> - -<p>“Some simple domesticated drama,” she indicate. -So we went forthly for see what was.</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, when we approach Broadway that -street seem about like usual. Breathing get more -difficulty there all time, because so many new -theaters arise there each night, making fresh air -umpossible.</p> - -<p>“I smell the odor of some smell,” narrate my -dear Aunt with chokes.</p> - -<p>“There is several new Viennese plots in town,” -I say so.</p> - -<p>While we walked we could see following flashing -signs winking with wicked electricity:</p> - -<p class="narrow"> -<span class="smcap">Countess Nymphia<br /> -By Swineburg<br /> -Openly Vicious!!</span><br /> -</p> - -<p>Next sign report:</p> - -<p class="narrow"> -<span class="smcap">The Girl and the Libertine<br /> -A Horrible Hit!!</span><br /> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_133">133</span></p> - -<p>Next theater divulge:</p> - -<p class="narrow"> -<span class="smcap">Slightly Soiled<br /> -The Drama of Disease!!</span><br /> -</p> - -<p>Nearby electricity say:</p> - -<p class="narrow"> -<span class="smcap">The White Slave’s Frolic<br /> -Modern Musical Comedy<br /> -100 Shocking Songs!!</span><br /> -</p> - -<p>My Aunt Taki Kati wish see this opera, because -she admire Gilbert & Sullivan for their -tunes. So we go Box Office and ask buy sit-down -inside.</p> - -<p>“We do not sell tickets,” he reply peevly. -“Ain’t you got sifficient brains in your mind to -go to speculator when buying tickets?”</p> - -<p>We find Hon. Speculator by sidewalk looking -quite commercial.</p> - -<p>“10$ each,” he report with tickets.</p> - -<p>“Why should your price be so immodest?” -I snagger.</p> - -<p>“This are an immodest play,” he snudge. -“Also we must charge extra for this performance -because the author will be arrested after -Act II.”</p> - -<p>I knew we could see just a.m.ch wickedness -for less cash money, so we walk onwards. On -side-up street we see sign which say:</p> - -<p class="narrow"> -<span class="smcap">The Limit!<br /> -Abundantly Worst!!</span><br /> -</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_134">134</span></p> - -<p>At this play we obtain sitting-room price 3$ -each, which were deliciously cheap for so much -sin. When we got inside there I obtain program, -which was useless for my Aunt Taki, who do -not understand American language, but can -blush plenty in Japanese. Following words was -on program:</p> - -<p class="center"> -<i>Evil Characters Represented</i></p> - -<table class="autotable" summary=""> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">J. W. Wineblower</td> -<td class="tdr">Vice-President of Vice Trust</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Mrs. Lillian Lorelei</td> -<td class="tdr">A Temptation</td> -</tr> -<tr> -<td class="tdl">Venus</td> -<td class="tdr">A poor shop girl</td> -</tr> -</table> - -<p>There was many others on that program which -I did not have time to see because Hon. Curtain -go uply amidst Rector music. The scenery was -red like it was blushing for itself. And there -sat Hon. Mrs. Lorelei removing shoes while -smoking opium. Pretty soonly one of her husbands -encroach in and complain that Hon. Janitor -has been putting too much water in his morphine -this week. Knock-knock by door. Hon. -Police arrive in and accept bribery. Amidst -considerable talk about purity Hon. Miss Venus -arrive in and say she cannot obtain sifficient vice -for 4$ weekly in department store where she -work. Therefore she have come. I shall tell you -the rest when I can whisper....</p> - -<p>Mr. Editor, when Act I were finished up my -Aunt Taki Kati smell a bottle of Japanese salts -for take the taste out of her nose. She say<span class="pagenum" id="Page_135">135</span> -that if America was like this Japan must annex -it before it decayed. She say her oldmaidenhood -were insulted by that sight and she was sure -she must die dead from shocks.</p> - -<p>“Maybe we better go outside for ventilated -air,” I snuggest.</p> - -<p>“Ah no!” she otter. “Let me faint where -I am. If I went out I might lose my seat.”</p> - -<p>But I feel otherwisely. I would rather drink -my beer in some saloon where thoughts are more -pure. So I elope outside, leaving Hon. Aunt to -shock by herself. There was so many Presbyterian -clergymans coming inward that I was -nearly scrunshed in going outward. Yet I manage -to get to lobbed door outside.</p> - -<p>By Boxed Office I notice Hon. Moses Feldspar, -the management, talking to Chief of Police -and other press agents.</p> - -<p>“You are less ashamed than formerly,” I narrate -hashly.</p> - -<p>“Why should I feel ashamed of employing -Truth among my actresses?” he snagger.</p> - -<p>“I never saw Truth behave so careless!” I -dib.</p> - -<p>“She are most truthful when naked,” he exclam.</p> - -<p>“She are,” I renig for scorns. “But when -Hon. Stage Manager dress her in X ray skirt she -appear entirely dishonest.”</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_136">136</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XVIII">XVIII<br /> - -<small>Grand Opera in English</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who can be considerable -comical without music</i>,</p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dearest Sir</span>:—Cousin Nogi report to -me recently with Oscar Hammerstein -eyebrows.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” he say so, “cannot grand opera be -equally grand when pronounced in English?”</p> - -<p>“Frequent theaters is now doing so with help -of talented soprano,” I say it.</p> - -<p>“So glad to hear!” contuse my cousin. -“Nextly they will be singing Salome in Japanese, -which will be nice education for Japan who -wish to be educated so quickly possible, yet like -to know what they are talking about while doing -so. Now they can’t do, thank you. Of recently -famous sing-song play ‘Carmen’ were introduced -in Yeddo. Considerable confusion enjoyed. -When Hon. Bullfighter emerge forth -from slaughterhouse yalling ‘Tor-ee-a-do-da!’ in elevator voice, all Japanese thinkers present -imagine it was New York scenery describing -Tammany Hall after election while Hon. Jno. P. -Mitchel were congratulating himself on cruelty -to tigers.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_137">137</span></p> - -<p>“While grand opera is in English all persons -can understand merely by ear,” I nudge gladly.</p> - -<p>“Will not German language lose its health if -translated?” require Cousin Nogi.</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly,” I collapse. “American language -have no beautiful words like ‘lustspiel’ and -‘Sauerbraten.’ Yet maybe they could use some -baseball language so all could seem natural.”</p> - -<p>“At any rates,” say Nogi, “it must be entirely -enjoyous sensation to set in opera and know -what they are talking.”</p> - -<p>“Let us go and try one,” I snuggest with -happy hat.</p> - -<p>So we sonter forthly until we observe theater -what say “Grand Opera—English Spoken here.” -We encroach to door where bull-board pronounce, -“Opera Longrin by Hans Wagner, -Famus Cyclist.”</p> - -<p>Annexed to door-entrance stood one stylish -bell-boy who hold slight program in his thumbs.</p> - -<p>“All words to opera 25c!” he pronounce distinctually.</p> - -<p>“Why must we spent this ¼$ for words, -please?” I ask to know.</p> - -<p>“So understand what stage-singers say,” report -boy containing buttons.</p> - -<p>“Do they not say it in English?” I negotiate -peevly.</p> - -<p>“Not sure,” say Hon. Boy. “I have only been -here a week.”</p> - -<p>We step inwards and observe opera going -ahead amid considerable crashes. I heard<span class="pagenum" id="Page_138">138</span> -“Ouch!” while I set down, but was not sure -whether it was orchestra or merely lady I stepped -on.</p> - -<p>Hon. Stage was filled with scenery, people & -tragedy. I could not tell what that picture represent, -but it were easy to see who was there. -King Leopold of Belgium in antique bathrobe -were surrounded by German Samurai on bright -banks of Erie Canal where they go for fresh air -while being cruel in music. Hon. King grumble -some dishagreeable barytones to goldly-hair -daughter who step forthly in rich nightgown & -holla,</p> - -<p>“O wat di spa!”</p> - -<p>I turn to eye-glass gentleman next by me who -were reading Book of Opera with piano-tuner -expression.</p> - -<p>“What she mean when she say, ‘O wat di -spa!” I requesh.</p> - -<p>“She say, ‘O what despair!” he pronounce -distinctually.</p> - -<p>“What language was that, please?” This -from me.</p> - -<p>“English,” he whisper peevly.</p> - -<p>“I am glad to make its acquaintance,” I argue -slightly.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly, after considerable choir-noise, -Hon. Orchestra get into dispute with brass -horners. And look, see! Down wet transportation -of Erie Canal come flotting one enormalously -swollen duck and on him stands riding one hansum -circus man in tin clothes. Excitements.<span class="pagenum" id="Page_139">139</span> -Hon. Tin Gentleman get off from that trained -white chicken and throw hitching-rope around -his stretched neck. Hon. Poultry bobb chin with -peck-peck expression and steam away with -promptness peculiar to commutation. Hon. Tin -Hero wave muscles of fingers.</p> - -<p>“Feh-wa! Feh-wa! Ma fayvu swa!” he warbule -with sweet lung.</p> - -<p>I turn to Hon. Eye-Glass next by me who still -read Opera Book.</p> - -<p>“What was he said it?” I require chivalrously.</p> - -<p>“He say, ‘Farewell, farewell, my faithful -swan!’” he snub maddishly.</p> - -<p>“Are he still talking English?” I narrate.</p> - -<p>“Hush it!” he snarrel. “Between your noise -and the orchestra I cannot hear the opera.”</p> - -<p>“If my absence will make this art easier for -your mentality I shall cease to blockade,” are -sharp report I make while withdrawing Cousin -Nogi outside the theater.</p> - -<p>Although Nagasaki by birth, I am Glasgow in -my soul, Mr. Editor. It pangs me to spend -money without some come-back for what I pay.</p> - -<p>So I enrush up to box-office with money-back -expression.</p> - -<p>“I require get at leastly 35c return rebate on -these stubbed tickets,” I say so to merely financial -gentleman who was there.</p> - -<p>“Why for?” dib Box Officer hashly.</p> - -<p>“Because is!” I reject scornly. “I pay large -wealth to hear English. What they sung was -otherwise.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_140">140</span></p> - -<p>“That were English!” say Money Box.</p> - -<p>“I could not understand it.” Say me.</p> - -<p>“Nobody expect understood Grand Opera in -any language,” he snagger. “Be reasonable like -Sherman Law.”</p> - -<p>“What are grand opera for, if not?” I ask -to know.</p> - -<p>“Several things. To give folks wrong impression -of history and confuse them about love -while admiring Smart Setters in diamond horseshoe,” -he define. “This has satisfied Art for -311 years—why should you require something -else all of a sudden?”</p> - -<p>“Then why would it not be just as good for -Americans if sung in Chinese, Swedish or German?” -I negotiate.</p> - -<p>“Because of patriotism,” he define. “Every -man prefer to be puzzled in his own language.”</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_141">141</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XIX">XIX<br /> - -<small>A Lesson in Eugenics</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who will please -be more careful about choosing his ancestors in -the future</i>,</p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—Last Wedsday night I got -feeling of lonesome matrimony, so I put -on Tuxedo slippers and necktie resembling -Vogue. I was not sure which lady I intended -for marry, but I go see Miss Tessie -Matsuki because I could get there without carfare. -This Matsuki lady live over store of her -father, Hon. J. W. Matsuki, Japanese hay & -grain. She got considerable Vassar intelligence -and would make nice wife for librarian.</p> - -<p>I found her by lamplight wearing goldly spectacles -while reading enlarged volume entitle -“Eugenic.”</p> - -<p>She felt my biceps while shaking hands & -seem to examine my hair for criminal traits. I -ask her would she like go see emotion picture -show with my accompaniment. She say no. She -prefer set stationary and talk about Future Race. -I explan that I did not keep up pretty well with -sporty events, but my Cousin Nogi were entirely<span class="pagenum" id="Page_142">142</span> -educated about racing & baseball. She give high-up -laugh of culture.</p> - -<p>“Future Race are not sporty event,” she define. -“It are Eugenic.”</p> - -<p>“I got no time to think foreign languages,” -I say so while admiring her sweethearted expression -with Garden of Allah sensation. “I come -here to ask some big importance. Would it be -convenient to get married?”</p> - -<p>“It would be no trouble however,” she report -for smiling.</p> - -<p>“O then we shall!” I holla while attempting -to hold her handclasp, but she snatch it to herself.</p> - -<p>“If suitable I shall include you on waiting -list,” she snuggest.</p> - -<p>“I present you my heart,” I renig for poetry.</p> - -<p>“Condition of lung are more important,” she -renounce. “Let me hear your deep breathing.” -I do so. She listen. “Ah!! I suspected what I -supposed! Your left pulmonia has slight -anachronism. How dare you love me?”</p> - -<p>“Permit me to tell about myself!” I yall like -Romeo.</p> - -<p>“Tell me about your grandfather, instead,” -she abrupt.</p> - -<p>“I do not ask you marry my grandfather.” -This from me while enjoying slight agonies.</p> - -<p>“In Eugenic,” she report, “we are expected -to marry entire family.”</p> - -<p>“This Eugene must come from Utah,” I snib. -“My grandfather would not permit such illegality<span class="pagenum" id="Page_143">143</span>. -He were married once, which were too -many. Also he are dead. It are immoral to -marry dead folks.”</p> - -<p>“What he die from?” she romp forth.</p> - -<p>“Asthma of knees,” I pronounce.</p> - -<p>“So ha! Then you got diseases in family!”</p> - -<p>“You expect my ancestors to die from being -too healthy?” I ask to know. “Perhapsly Hon. -Eugene who wrote that book will teach us how -to do so.”</p> - -<p>“He expects to arrange everything,” she compose -proudishly. “His speciality will be marriage. -Youngly persons will be selected carefully -like Luther Burbank choose best potatoes for -crop.”</p> - -<p>“Will this Hon. Eugene make some new marriage -ceremony?” I otter.</p> - -<p>“That have been arrange also,” she tell. -“When 2 Eugeniuses wish get married following -program will be enjoyed:</p> - -<p>“Joy-bells will be jungled from tip-top of -gymnasium where members of Board of Health -will act as Ushers, admitting relatives after examining -their tonsils. Talented vaudeville performers -will play ‘Weddlesohn’s Mending -March’ on Indian clubs while Bride & Bridebroom, -wearing Annit Kellerman bathing suits to -show no deception had been concealed, will walk -up aisle hand-in-hand with parents wearing rubber -gloves. Bride must not blush, because that -are sign of weak heart and Bridebroom must not -seem nervus, because that indicate tendency to<span class="pagenum" id="Page_144">144</span> -allipeptic fits. After dumb-bell drill Rev. -Preacher will step uply.”</p> - -<p>“What Rev. Preacher will do this ceremony?” -I inquest.</p> - -<p>“Not sure,” she negotiate. “Perhaps Rev. -Billy Sunday might do, because of muscular religion.”</p> - -<p>“What shall this marriage service say?” is -next question for me.</p> - -<p>“It say following dialog:</p> - -<p>Rev. Mr.——, Do you love this woman?</p> - -<p>Bridebroom—No.</p> - -<p>Rev. Mr.——, Woman, you love this man?</p> - -<p>Bride—No.</p> - -<p>Rev. Mr.—— Good. You have no inherited -instinct. You swear there is no fits, insanity or -general ability in family? (They swear.)</p> - -<p>Then stick out tongues, please. That will do, -thank you. I make you manandwife.”</p> - -<p>Miss Tessie Matsuki look to me reproachly -when saying this.</p> - -<p>“What happen pretty soonly after marriage?” -I snuggest.</p> - -<p>“Baby,” she pronounce. “He are born perfect -without a blamish or any other sign of humanity. -He are gave perfectly balanced name -like Sandow Socrates Shakespeare Scagg. In -babyhood he are never kissed. In schoolday he -are never spanked. In manhood he are never -loved. And so he grow upward.”</p> - -<p>“What do he become, after so much exercise—a -Congressman, perhapsly?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_145">145</span></p> - -<p>“How could he? Congressman are noted for -imperfection.”</p> - -<p>“Then perhapsly he would be novelist or play-right?”</p> - -<p>“Ah never yet!” she snatch. “How could -perfect Man be connected in trade with -Jack London, Gus Thomas and other rough -boys?”</p> - -<p>“Yet there might be some jobs for him. He -could be machinery engineer of prominent greatness.”</p> - -<p>“Not possibly!” she reject. “Should we permit -such model gentleman to build subways for -political scandals?”</p> - -<p>“But this Eugenics Baby must choose some -activity of work. Shall he be too good for any -profession when grown up?”</p> - -<p>“Indeed will!” she holla. “He will be a -Father.”</p> - -<p>“Father of what?” I require with alarmed -teeth.</p> - -<p>“Of children similar to himself.”</p> - -<p>“Miss Tessie Matsuki,” I denominate punctually -while choosing my hat from table, “excuse -my escape. I wish for search out some -young lady who will prove her unfitness to marry -by falling in love. Please excuse!”</p> - -<p>“Uncivilized brain!” she snarrel. “Go -forthly! Such depraved minds like yours drive -tacks into the feet of Science when he try to -progress. And yet the world do move, in spite -of Tammany Hall.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_146">146</span></p> - -<p>“Tammany Hall also move occasionally,” I -corrode with Fusion expression.</p> - -<p>So I elope away full of low character.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_147">147</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XX">XX<br /> - - -<small>Togo’s Christmas Day in the Morning</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeep Magazine who -realize how it must be more expensive to give -than to receive.</i></p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Mr. Sir</span>:—Merry Xmas thoughts -fill me with something else. My brain -refuse to ring bells in connection with this -annual jingling. Perhapsly it is because of following -anecdote which happen to me:</p> - -<p>At home of Mrs. & Mr. J. Poke, Rockpile, -N. J., which is on the list of places where I am -no longer there, I was employed in their midst. -That family contained only two (2) complete -children, but they were sifficiently plenty. By -name they was Hester and Lester, aged 5 & 7 -respectfully. These youngly persons, when -healthy, was full of childly amusements including -dish-break, runaway, knockabouts, and whittling -pensils with Father’s safety razor.</p> - -<p>But by approach of Xmas time they suddenly -became otherwise. I notice this because I seen -it. They walk around with Y. M. C. A. expression -of toes and seem too good to be happy.</p> - -<p>“Oh childish children!” I require from them,<span class="pagenum" id="Page_148">148</span> -“why so you do so? Do you enjoy some sleeping -sickness to make you thusly silent?”</p> - -<p>“Hush it!” they depose. “Xmas are coming!”</p> - -<p>“Are Xmas, then, such saddish event that you -should await it without cheers?” I ask to -know.</p> - -<p>“Oh, not is!” they ollicute. “But, unless we -behave very Sunday-school, Hon. St. Claus will -not arrive with gifts of great cash valuation.”</p> - -<p>I stand gast for this phenominal. So I go to -Hon. Mrs. Poke and require from her, “Hon. -Mrs. Madam,” I say so, “who are this Hon. St. -Claus who seem so Carnegie in his gifts?”</p> - -<p>“He resemble Hon. Doc Cook,” she snuggest, -with slyly winking. “No such person ever was.”</p> - -<p>“How so!” I snatch off for horrors. “Then -I must inform Hon. Hester & Lester about this -mistaken personality.”</p> - -<p>“Not to do!” she snagger peevly.</p> - -<p>“Why should not?” I ask to know, with -eyebrows.</p> - -<p>“Because thus,” she say it. “I told them -about this Hon. St. Claus from my own voice.”</p> - -<p>“How you could be so deceptive?” I terrify.</p> - -<p>“I do this to make my children less sinful in -their comportment,” she snuggest. “When they -go around making gunman noises, I holla, ‘Stop -before Hon. St Claus hear you and refuse to -come!’ If they tell untruthful lies, I humiliate -them by reproaching, ‘Hon St Claus will snub -you for this untruthfulness!’”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_149">149</span></p> - -<p>“Honesty are nice exercise for children to -learn,” I corrode.</p> - -<p>She make pleasant face for reply.</p> - -<p>“On Xmas night-before,” she explan, “me & -Hon. Mr. Poke set up slight candle-tree in dining-room. -We cluster this foliage with ornaments -to resemble circus, and by foot of it we place -extended quantities of drums, guns, horns, cannons, -velocipedes, baseballs and other tools with -which home can be broke. In dawn-break of -morning Hon. Dear Children come down and -observe. ‘Who sent it?’ they require. ‘Hon. -St Claus bring it because you was truthful childs,’ we report. ‘How he get in?’ they ask to know. -‘He slid down chimbley-pipe,’ we say back deceptively. -So merry Xmas is enjoyed by all.”</p> - -<p>“Are it not somewhat sinful to relate them -fibbulous tale to tender child?” I negotiate.</p> - -<p>“Ah, no!” she abstract. “If childhood -should not believe in St Claus, then most happy -times would relapse forever. Togo, you must -do everything what possible to make them believe -in this whisker-gentleman.”</p> - -<p>“I shall attempt to think up something deliciously -deceptive,” are smart answer I make.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>As Xmas date approach up, Hon. Hester & -Lester become more fidgettous in their psychology.</p> - -<p>“This morning I dishcover 6 boxes labeled -‘Smith’s Toy Store’ in basement of cellar,” pronounce -Hon. Lester. “What could be in it?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_150">150</span></p> - -<p>“Coal is frequently packed in toy-boxes,” I -renounce.</p> - -<p>“It look very deceptive to me,” deploy infant -Hester.</p> - -<p>“At times I are discouraged about St Claus,” -narrate Hon. Lester.</p> - -<p>“So sinful thought!” I holla.</p> - -<p>“How could I believe in gentleman I never -seen? Where is his photo? I suspect.”</p> - -<p>“Many distinguished persons is shy about -photos,” I abrupt.</p> - -<p>“Perhapsly,” aggrevate Hon. Lester. “Yet -other things I cannot understand with brain. -Hon. Parents tell me how Hon. St Claus comes -sliding down chimbley-pipe with gifts. I have -awaited many nights to observe this downfall, -yet he never come. Therefore he ain’t.”</p> - -<p>“If you should seen him make in-shoot by -chimbley-pipe, would you believe this whiskered -fairy?” I ask it.</p> - -<p>“Oh, surely yes!” response Hester & Lester -together like chorus girls.</p> - -<p>“Then on Xmas morning you shall observe -him!” I abrogate with earnest expression of -teeth.</p> - -<p>On date previously before Xmas I go to town-village -with weekly salary, price $5, and purchase -considerable wheel-cart, squeak-doll, jump-up-Jack, -and other childish amusement. These I -poke under overcoat and retreat home slyly like -snails walking over upholstery.</p> - -<p>When night time was there, Hon. Hester &<span class="pagenum" id="Page_151">151</span> -Lester was cruelly sent to bedtime and locked -asleep so they would not find out about Hon. St -Claus. As soonly as they make sleep, Mrs. & Mr. -Poke command me for bring forth Xmas-tree. I -make him grow from soap-box in dining-room. I -assist intelligently hanging this foliage with tin -fruit, including numberous candles standing on -limbs to resemble candy fireworks. While Hon. -Poke boss my enthusiasm, I fetch forth considerable -heavy toy-boxes from basement of cellar. -Back-broke feelings by me. Yet I continue this -labors until mixed assortment of Xmas stood by -tree with deceptive labels about Hon. St Claus.</p> - -<p>At 1 o’clock hour a.m. Mrs. and Mr. retire -bedward, exhausted from observing my work. -But my dutiful labors had just commenced. I -must prepare to show those childish children -how Hon. Mr. Claus down-slide down chimbley-pipe.</p> - -<p>All house was full of darkness. Frozen moonlight -outside. With sneekret feetsteps, like -snakes swimming in oil, I approach to closet and -fetch forth following articles of clothes:</p> - -<ul> -<li>1 minkish ottomobile coat</li> -<li>2 boots of rubberly exterior</li> -<li>1 cap from Eskimo leather</li> -<li>½ lb cotton resembling whisker.</li> -</ul> - -<p>I drop all them presents I bought inside one -laundry-bag, place myself into those garments of -clothes, then with detective toes I descend up -through attric to where chimbley-pipe was on -roof.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_152">152</span></p> - -<p>4 o’clock time now approach. Making affectionate -hugs to Hon. Chimbley, I could tell it was -Xmas by the feel of the themometer. By peeking -down Hon. Chimbley, I could see how it was -sifficiently large hole to permit my Japanese -smallness—yet I must compress myself to do so. -I enjoyed considerable nervusness like heroes expecting -to dive down Mt. Vesuvius.</p> - -<p>Pretty soonly 6 a.m. was there and I was not -yet froze completely hard. By listening down -chimbley-pipe with telephone expression, I could -hear childhood voices coming down-stairs saying -“Oh!!” It were time for me to make some -slide.</p> - -<p>I pull ½lb cotton to my chin, snuggle Hon. -Bag to back, and commence climbing into -chimbley. What was? Distinctually I could -smell slight smudj of smoke coming upwards! -Yet it were too late. Already I was slipping, -down-sliding slowly. Great chokes enjoyed. -When nearly down I stuck up suddenly. More -chokes.</p> - -<p>“Oh, hellup, hellup!” I gollup.</p> - -<p>“Who there?” demand Hon. Poke below-down.</p> - -<p>“Hon. St Claus containing smoke!” I yellup. -“Make haste or else be quick!”</p> - -<p>Some individual persons grabb me at toes. -With intense drag I was pulled forth to fireplace -where blazes was. My cottonly whisker -become inflamed, and in desperado attempt I -clash against Xmas-tree which tottle over amidst<span class="pagenum" id="Page_153">153</span> -horble fire-alarms. Great holla by all. Then I -am a hero, as usual. While all others make -hook-and-ladder noise, I embrace Hon. Tree -with elbows and reject him outwards through -window. Of finally all was silent, except slight -smell of smudj.</p> - -<p>“What impossibility are you attempting to act -like?” require Hon. Mrs. sarcastly.</p> - -<p>“Hon. St Claus,” I report.</p> - -<p>“Why you no entrance by door?” shreech -Hon. Mr. with wounded knuckle.</p> - -<p>“Doors is not respectable for Saints to come -in by,” I devote.</p> - -<p>“They are plenty for Japanese to go out by,” -resnort him, escorting me outwards with brutal -jam.</p> - -<p>And when I was deploying away from there I -hear Hester & Lester report in voice together:</p> - -<p>“We have saw Hon. St Claus. We do not -care to meet such a person!”</p> - -<p>So I depart off feeling like an umpossibility.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> -<hr class="chap x-ebookmaker-drop" /> - -<div class="chapter"> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_154">154</span></p> - -<h2 class="nobreak" id="XXI">XXI<br /> - -<small>The Head of the House</small></h2></div> - - -<p><i>To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, -civilized personality who knows everything about -home except what goes on</i>,</p> - - -<p class="drop-cap"><span class="smcap">Dear Sir</span>:—Last place from which I was -rebounded were home of Mrs. & Mr. Annette -Pratt, Curfew Glen, N. J. These -individuals, though not peculiar from themselves, -had home-names what distincted them entirely. -Hon. Mrs. Pratt was Mother Love, Hon. Mr. -Pratt was Father Darling and Hon. Daughter -Pratt was Mabel Dear. This Mabel Dear was -half-past schoolgirl age. She enjoy such aggrevated -health that her mother make considerable -worry for her.</p> - -<p>“Why should not Mabel Dear help Togo make -housework?” require Hon. Husband while seeing -her idly resting.</p> - -<p>“She must enjoy her headaches each morning -during housekeep hours,” snuggest Mother Love. -“It are fashionable to be illhealthy until noon.”</p> - -<p>“Her illhealthiness do not keep her from tennis-play, -night-set-up, tango & flirtating which -she do considerable,” commute Hon. Him with -grouches in his voice.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_155">155</span></p> - -<p>“Fortunately she can accomplish slight duties -expected of any high-bread girl,” gollup Hon. -Mrs.</p> - -<p>“When I was boy my mother knew nothing -about Vermin Castle dance, yet she could make -doughnut, quilt, soap, beds and many other delicious -home cooking,” he glub.</p> - -<p>“Father Darling,” yellup Mabel Dear from -her sofa where she layed with her fatigue, -“Mother Love says I can have new Harper’s -Bazar dress for Judkins-Perkins wedding festival -ball.”</p> - -<p>“I am too busy going to my office!” he snarrel -while departing with door.</p> - -<p>This Mabel Dear are Miss Lady of such great -importantness that it give me great sorrow of -brain to think she was born to merely New Jersey -condition of real estate. When Hon. Father -pass off she tell this sadness to her mother.</p> - -<p>“Mother Love,” she say so, “it create considerable -humility in my prides for see Togo -open doors with soapsuds thumbs when Hon. -Percy Twill, whose home contain several butlers, -arrive here for flirtation and observe our -poverty.”</p> - -<p>“Mabel Dear I sympathize to you for our -downslide in world. Since marriage to Father -Darling I have expected very little. Before -marriage my home was entirely surrounded by -footmen.”</p> - -<p>“Why you no brought 3 or 4 of those here?” -are bright question for me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_156">156</span></p> - -<p>“Eavesdripper! Return to kitchen duty!” -they holla together like chorus girls. Yet I heard -more from other keyholes.</p> - -<p>“How I go to Judkins-Perkins dance with -only one dress?” I hear Mabel Dear ask it.</p> - -<p>“Are not one dress sifficient for one dance?” -I require silently from myself while refraining -my voice.</p> - -<p>“I cannot tell what Father Darling does with -all his money,” dement Hon. Mrs. “He receive -$240. per monthly yet we enjoy less luxury than -the rich. Perhapsly he are gambling in stocks.”</p> - -<p>“Result of his selfishness I are the worst -dressed girl in the Curfew Glen Smart Set,” corrods -Hon. Mabel amidst sobs.</p> - -<p>“If you had married Father Darling you would -realize why ladies goes on hungry strikes,” snib -Hon. Mrs.</p> - -<p>And so onwards.</p> - -<p>When Hon. Pratt retreat homewards at night -he usually carry complete bookkeeper library -under his arm so he can spent tired evening finding -who stole that 22c from firm of Obediah -Pennypicker & Co. by which he is owned. Considerable -hours each evening he set to table with -eyeglasses and commonpeople expression on his -face while he read that arithmetic. Pretty soonly -income Hon. Mrs. & Hon. Miss dishguised in -pinksilk Marlborough clothing and intending to -go outwards.</p> - -<p>“Such stylish!” report Hon. Father looking -at.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_157">157</span></p> - -<p>“This are not stylish,” renig Hon. Mabel -Dear while spatting her Newport hairs. “This -dress are made from remnant bargains. It are -next to nothing.”</p> - -<p>“It seem so at the neck,” ollicute he humoristically. -“Girl wears but little here below but -wears that little long. To what social Durbar -are you going to?”</p> - -<p>“The My Cream Tango Tipsickery Circle,” -negotiate Hon. Miss. “O Father Darling, why -you no go long? If oncely you did you might -make less cruel talking.”</p> - -<p>“Maybe I shall,” report Hon. Pa laying down -bookkeep volume.</p> - -<p>“Father Darling!” hissy Hon. Mrs. “What -you thinking of to say that? You could not go -society as is. The necktie you wear insults our -pride of family.”</p> - -<p>“I go where I pleases.” This from him with -glares.</p> - -<p>“Why so independence?” She say it.</p> - -<p>“Are I not head of this house?” he require.</p> - -<p>“Yes, Father Darling,” she file off. “Therefore -it is your duty to stay home and look over -$90. groceries bill.”</p> - -<p>She poke forth Hon. Bill and leave husbandly -man to his sorry.</p> - -<p>Hon. Mr. Pratt work lonesomely till 9.44 -clocktime. Then he fold away books and go to -emotion picture show. At 11.11 clocktime he -come backwards smoking intense cigar. I was -setting on front porch enjoying beauty of moonshin<span class="pagenum" id="Page_158">158</span> -amidst Japanese poetry. He observe me -there and donate 1 cigar price 5c while he sat -down next beside me with chumness of college -boy.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” he say it at lastly while we make -twin puffs, “are I head of this house or are -not I?”</p> - -<p>“Are indeed!” I say kindly because thankful -for cigar.</p> - -<p>“Then why should I be battered continuously?” -This from him.</p> - -<p>“Heads are always punched,” I define.</p> - -<p>“I are breadwinner without being allowed to -keep winnings, I are—.”</p> - -<p>“You are an American father,” thusly I report. -“You should learn to be a Japanese -father.”</p> - -<p>“How you do it?” he ask with eggerness.</p> - -<p>“Japanese father are steam-roller Czar. Wife -are sipposed to approach him with frightened elbows, -daughter must be sipposed to ask for -favors and not get it. All parties, presents, etc. -are given by him. All servants must attend his -selfishness while neglecting females around -house.”</p> - -<p>“I shall move to Japan!” he cheer up.</p> - -<p>“You needs not,” I snuggest. “I shall be -your Japanese slave and teach you how be -Japanese father. Tomorrow a.m. you can commence -ordering your home around like a floorwalker. -Continually remember inferiorness of -everybody but yourself and feel as sacred as<span class="pagenum" id="Page_159">159</span> -possible. Heads shall be chopped for impertinence -to you.”</p> - -<p>“I shall enjoy that!” he stotter with smiling -teeth.</p> - -<p>At that moments carriage approach upward -through moonlit and Wife & Daughter make -getout.</p> - -<p>“You up, Father Darling?” require Hon. -Mrs. with shock tone. “I can smell beer in your -breathing. Man of your aged respectability -should not be boistering at night amidst low-living -friendship.”</p> - -<p>She make dragoon expression to me while halling -Father away.</p> - -<p>Next morning while it was breakfast Father -Darling sat looking very Cæsar where breakfast -was not cooked while I go through with tray -containing grape-orange, omelit, lady-toast and -slight tea for Hon. Mabel Dear who enjoyed -headache as usual.</p> - -<p>“Lay that tray on table befront of me!” -holla Hon. Mr. with commander voice.</p> - -<p>“Father Darling!” yellup Hon. Mrs. who was -there, “what you intend do with Mabel Dear’s -headache food?”</p> - -<p>“Eat it!” he snarrel while I laid Hon. Tray -befront of him with complete courtesy of Japanese -bows.</p> - -<p>“Are it customary for you to be taking comforts -in this house from others?” Eagles spoke -in her tone.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_160">160</span></p> - -<p>“It are not,” he negotiate with egg spoon, “yet -it shall be from now onwards.”</p> - -<p>“Am I to be dishobeyed in home?” she require -shilly.</p> - -<p>“Why not?” he ask to know (“Togo, bring -one jar mammalade and considerable more coffee.) -Yes, Mother Love, I have caught commuter -train for 43½ years without breakfast. -Now I am turning over a new sheet. Hereafterly -I shall be Political Boss of my household. -Not only shall I be considered 1st in -serving comfort, but my servants shall be my -complete slavers, similar like they are in Japan. -Are this not so, Togo?”</p> - -<p>“Ah yes, exalted-up Sire!” I worship while -bending my base stumach.</p> - -<p>“Huh!” snuggest Hon. Mrs. with Huerta expression. -“Togo, go immediately upwards to -Mabel Dear’s room and deliver complete breakfast -to door.”</p> - -<p>“Togo,” depose Hon. Mr. looking clamly -cruel, “go immediately upward to Mabel Dear’s -room and make knock-knock to door. When -Mabel Dear answer say so, ‘Your Rev. Father -demand you get upward at oncely and help wash-dish -and other healthful exercise.”</p> - -<p>I go. I do so. When Mabel Dear hear -knock-knock she poke forth girlish cap and -decry, “What for, imported heathenish?”</p> - -<p>“Your Royal & Exalted Up Hon. Father require -you make immediate get up for wash dish -and be natural like ancestors,” I commit.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page_161">161</span></p> - -<p>She shreech. Slam door. Downstairs I could -hear similar warcry while sounds of smelling -salts, hysteria, etc. could be heard from dining -room.</p> - -<p>Eloping to window I could observe Hon. Mr. -evaporating down path in depot direction.</p> - -<p>“Togo!” voice of Mrs. from down there.</p> - -<p>I make no correspondence to her tone.</p> - -<p>“Togo, will you come downward or shall you -be thrown?”</p> - -<p>Still I conceal my words. Ring-ring by telephone -could be distinctually heard.</p> - -<p>“Togo,” she say more plaintiffly, “there is -command here by telephone from your Royal -Lordmaster Sir Exalted Pratt.”</p> - -<p>“I go downward and obey,” is meakness from -me.</p> - -<p>I emerge down there and put that electricity to -my ear.</p> - -<p>“Hello!”</p> - -<p>“Yes. This are Boss Pratt. Togo, I have -reconsidered my life on way to depot. I am -very respectful to your Oriental uncivilization -and know what you snuggest can be accomplished -10,000 miles distant from New -Jersey. Howeverley, I are expected to return -to New Jersey every night, so difference must -be.”</p> - -<p>“In Japan you would never make such weekness -resembling mice,” I ollicute distinctually.</p> - -<p>“Undoubtlessly. And since you are so crazed -about Japan, maybe you should return there and<span class="pagenum" id="Page_162">162</span> -teach Domestic Science where it shall be understood.”</p> - -<p>“Then you mean say I am discharged?”</p> - -<p>“Like a gun!” he snibber while hanging telephone.</p> - -<p>So I arrive to backdoor and obtain immediate -farewell feeling that Man is superior to Woman, -but that Woman are on Jobs more frequently -all day.</p> - -<p>Hoping you are the same,</p> - -<p class="psig"> -<span class="gap6r">Yours truly,</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Hashimura Togo</span>.<br /> -</p> - -<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HASHIMURA TOGO, DOMESTIC SCIENTIST ***</div> -<div style='text-align:left'> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will -be renamed. -</div> - -<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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