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diff --git a/old/64794-0.txt b/old/64794-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 48080a3..0000000 --- a/old/64794-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1683 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook of Betsy Baker! or, Too Attentive by Half, by -John Maddison Morton - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this eBook. - -Title: Betsy Baker! or, Too Attentive by Half - A Farce, in One Act - -Author: John Maddison Morton - -Release Date: March 11, 2021 [eBook #64794] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: Paul Haxo from scanned images graciously made available by - the University of Michigan, the Hathi Digital Library, the - Internet Archive, and the University of Warwick. - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BETSY BAKER! OR, TOO ATTENTIVE BY -HALF *** - - - - -BETSY BAKER! - -OR, - -TOO ATTENTIVE BY HALF. - - -A FARCE. - -IN ONE ACT. - - -BY - -JOHN MADDISON MORTON, - -_Member of the Dramatic Authors’ Society,_ - -AUTHOR OF - -_Box and Cox, Two Bonnycastles, Who stole the Pocket Book, The -Midnight Watch, Poor Pillicoddy, Going to the Derby, Old Honesty, -Grimshaw, Done on both Sides, Young England, The King and I, My Wife’s -Second Floor, The Double-Bedded Room, Wedding Breakfast, Milliners’ -Holiday, The Irish Tiger, Who’s the Composer, Who do they take me for, -The Attic Story, Brother Ben, Who’s my Husband, Thumping Legacy, &c., -&c._ - - -THOMAS HAILES LACY, - -WELLINGTON STREET, STRAND, - -LONDON. - - - - -First performed at the Royal Princess’s Theatre, - -On Wednesday, November 13th, 1850. - - -Characters. - - MR. MARMADUKE MOUSER ... Mr. KEELEY. - MR. CRUMMY ... Mr. J. VINING. - MRS. MOUSER ... Miss MURRAY. - BETSY BAKER (_a Laundress_) ... Mrs. KEELEY. - - -Costumes. - -MOUSER--Shawl pattern dressing gown, light brown vest, and fashionable -dark grey check trousers. _Second Dress_--Exchanges gown for dark -blue coat. - -CRUMMY--Fashionable black Oxonian coat, light drab vest, and light -grey trousers. - -MRS. MOUSER--White muslin dress with amber satin ribbons over an amber -satin dress, fashionable lace cap, &c.--_Second Dress_--Light -blue silk mantilla over the above, white silk drawn bonnet. - -BETSY BAKER--Pink print dress with very short sleeves, laundress’s -blue check apron, neat laced boots. - - -Time in Representation--45 minutes. - - - - -BETSY BAKER! - - -SCENE.--_A handsomely furnished Apartment. Doors in flat, R. and L. C. -Another door, L. 2 E. Piano-forte, table, chairs, &c._ - -_MRS. MOUSER seated at table, working. MOUSER, in a dressing gown, -seated at piano-forte, R._ - -MOUS. (_accompanying himself, and singing_) - - “On the margin of fair Zurich’s waters, - Ya--oo--oo!” - -That isn’t quite the thing. (_repeating_) Ya--oo--oo! That’s more -like it! - -MRS. M. (_throws down her work_) This is really intolerable! I -wish you wouldn’t attempt to sing that song, Mr. Mouser. You’ll never -accomplish it. - -MOUS. I _will_ accomplish it, Mrs. Mouser. Indeed, I may say, I _have_ -accomplished it--all, except the “Ya--oo--oo,” and I’m not going to be -beat by a “Ya--oo--oo,” I can tell you. No, Mrs. Mouser, I’ll -accomplish that “Ya--oo--oo,” if I die for it! (_very loud, and out of -tune_) “Ya--oo--oo!” No--that’s worse than ever. - -MRS. M. It’s quite clear that you are determined to annoy me. - -(_pouting_) - -MOUS. (_comes down quickly; very tenderly_) Annoy you? _You_, my -Anastasia? _You?_ Pooh! - -MRS. M. I’ve told you a hundred times, Marmaduke, that you haven’t a -single note in your voice. - -MOUS. Then the more creditable in your Marmaduke to try and get a -few. (_in a solemn tone_) Anastasia, we live in a wonderful age. -Every thing we see above us, below us, and all round about us, proclaims -the triumph of mind over matter. - -MRS. M. (_yawns slightly_) Well, I don’t deny it, do I? - -MOUS. You _can’t_ deny it. Look at the Railroads--oblige me by looking -at the Railroads, with their gigantic viaducts, their stupendous -aqueducts--look at the Electric Telegraph over the Straits of -Menai--look at the Tubular Bridge under the Straits of Dover! And -how--how is this done? By perseverance--by determination! And shall I -flinch from a paltry obstacle? Never! So here goes again! (_very loud_) -“Ya--oo--oo!” - -MRS. M. (_listening_) Hark! - -MOUS. What? - -MRS. M. I thought I heard my dear Cousin Crummy outside. But of -course that would give _you_ no gratification. - -MOUS. You wrong me, Anastasia. As long as your Cousin Crummy is -outside, and _keeps_ outside, I don’t care how often I hear him. - -MRS. M. (_severely_) Mr. Mouser! - -MOUS. Understand me, Anastasia, I mean no disrespect to your Cousin -Crummy--on the contrary, Crummy’s a man I like--but Crummy’s like many -other good things in this world, a little of him goes a long way. In -short, he gives us too much of his society. - -MRS. M. Because he sees we are so much alone. - -MOUS. But we never are alone. Crummy won’t let us be alone. - -MRS. M. Well, isn’t it natural that he should drop in upon us? Isn’t -he your partner in the business? Isn’t he one of the firm, Mouser and -Crummy, Attorneys-at-law? - -MOUS. Yes, and why? Because you chose to fancy that my practice was -more than I could get through, and that I required a partner. - -MRS. M. I confess I did, and you took him in. - -MOUS. I beg your pardon--he took _me_ in; and pretty considerably -too, for he pockets half the profits, and leaves me all the work. - -MRS. M. How can you say so? Isn’t he gone out on business now--and all -the way to Pentonville, too? - -MOUS. All the way from Islington to Pentonville! - -MRS. M. Then why didn’t you go yourself? (_rises_) - -MOUS. And leave _you_, my ’Stasia? (_tenderly_) You that I adore with a -degree of intensity closely bordering on insanity! Besides, it isn’t -because a Mrs. Jones from Northamptonshire--a Jones I don’t know--a -Jones I never saw--a Jones I never even heard of, chooses to send for -me, that therefore I must go to that Jones, Jones can’t expect it! - -MRS. M. (R.) But no doubt she wishes to consult you on business, and -she might prove an excellent client. - -MOUS. (L.) I hate business! I hate clients! I hate everything in the -world but you, my ’Stasia. What’s the world to me? Nothing! What are its -“gay and festive scenes, its halls of dazzling light” to me? Nothing! -Oh, ’Stasia! ’Stasia! - -MRS. M. What nonsense you talk. One would suppose we had only been -married a week instead of a year. Has any one been here for me? - -MOUS. (_eagerly_) Any one! Not that I know of. Who do you -expect? - -MRS. M. Why only the laundress with my veil. She promised faithfully -to let me have it to-day. When you go out, perhaps you will just call, -and say I’m waiting for it. It’s only just over the way. - -MOUS. Of course, if you insist upon it, I will. But perhaps you’re -not aware that there are usually from thirty to forty females of various -ages and dimensions engaged in that establishment _over the way_, -and I don’t think it would be exactly the safest place in the world for -an unprotected male. Besides, I might be seen entering the premises, -and then what would people say? Am I not known in the neighbourhood as -the best of husbands? When we go out don’t the people rush to their -doors and windows to look at us? Oh, ’Stasy! ’Stasy! - -MRS. M. Ha, ha, ha! My dear Marmaduke, you are certainly getting a -little cracked on the subject. - -MOUS. I know it. I’m so much cracked that I wonder I don’t fall to -pieces. But I can’t help it. (_placing his arm round her waist_) - -CRUM. (_without, L. D. F._) Oh, Mouser’s at home, is he? -Particularly engaged, d’ye say? Pooh, pooh! I know better. - -MOUS. (_aside_) I shall do Crummy a terrific injury some of these -days. I’m sure I shall. - -_Enter CRUMMY, L. D. F._ - -CRUM. (_advancing to MOUSER, C., and giving him a slap on the -back_) Ah, Mouser, my boy--sure to find you at home, eh? Ha, ha! -Always together, eh? Billing and cooing, and all that sort of thing, eh? -(_giving MOUSER a poke in the side_) By-the-bye, I’ve just come -from Mrs. Major-General Jones. She would have nothing to say to me. -She insists on seeing the head of the firm, so I told you’d be with her -in a quarter of an hour. - -MOUS. (R.) Did you? Then you had better go back to Mrs. Jones, and -tell her that I shan’t do anything of the sort. - -CRUM. (C.) But you _must_. Her’s is a very important case. -Neither more nor less than a separation from her husband, Major-General -Jones. - -MOUS. I’ll have nothing to do with it. Major-General Jones has never -offended me--what right, then, have I to stand between Major-General -Jones and Mrs. Major-General Jones, and say to Major-General Jones, -“Major-General Jones, take a last look at Mrs. Major-General Jones, for -you’ll never set your eyes on Mrs. Major-General Jones again?” It’s -absurd! - -CRUM. But he ill-treats her--games, drinks, squanders her fortune--and, -they do say, is not particular as to the number of his attachments. - -MOUS. (_with a look of horror_) ’Stasy, can such things be? (_drags -off his dressing gown, which he throws into CRUMMY’S face, who places -it on back of chair, R. of table._) My coat--my hat--my blue -bag--quick! (_CRUMMY exits into office, R. D. F._) Oh, the monster! -But I’ll hold him up to the execration of mankind. “Not particular as -to the number of his attachments!” Gracious goodness! And to think -that such a man is able to walk the streets without a policeman on -each side of him. (_CRUMMY returns with hat, coat, and blue bag_) But, -as I said before, I’ll expose him! (_in his excitement he puts on the -dressing gown again--puts on CRUMMY’S hat, and takes CRUMMY’S umbrella -from table_) I shan’t be long, my ’Stasia. I shall soon return on the -wings of love---- (_going_) - -MRS. M. (_L., detaining him_) You’re surely not going out in -your dressing gown? - -MOUS. Eh? yes--it is my dressing gown, I declare. On second thoughts, -I really don’t see why I should interfere between these Joneses. -(_places hat and umbrella on the table_) I’d rather by half stop -with you, my ’Stasy. - -CRUM. Nonsense. You must go. Mrs. Major-General Jones expects you. -(_taking hold of one of the sleeves of the dressing gown_) - -MRS. M. (_taking hold of the other_) Of course--Mrs. Jones -expects you. - -CRUM. You wouldn’t keep a young and pretty woman waiting? -(_handing him his coat_) - -MOUS. Oh, she’s young and pretty, is she? You hear, ’Stasia--she’s -young and pretty. (_puts on coat_) You expose me to her fascinations, -’Stasia---- - -MRS. M. (_smiling_) I’m not at all afraid. - -MOUS. And why--why are you not afraid? Because, as you must have -observed, you no sooner set your foot on the ground than I instantly -commence adoring the bit of ground you set your foot on. - -MRS. M. (_with impatience_) Yes, yes--but make haste. And you can -join me at my sister Charlotte’s. You know we drink tea there this -evening---- - -MOUS. Yes, at eight o’clock. But it isn’t five yet. - -MRS. M. What of that? I promised her to come early--she’s teaching me -a new pattern in knitting. - -MOUS. Yes, I heard her the other day. She was telling you to drop -one, and then take up two. She didn’t say what, but I must say I was -rather surprised at her requesting you to “turn over twice”--especially -so soon after dinner. - -MRS. M. Ha, ha, ha! Good-bye--for I’m in a hurry to dress. - -MOUS. (_detaining her_) One fond embrace before we part! (_kisses -her_) Keep up your spirits in my absence. (_going--stops_) Another -fond embrace before we part! - -MRS. M. (_with evident impatience_) Psha! (_MOUSER going -again_) You’ll not forget the message about the veil---- - -MOUS. Certainly not. (_going--stops_) Another fond embrace -before---- - -CRUM. Go along! (_pushes him out, L. D. F._) Well, coz, you -certainly may say you’ve got the most attentive husband in the -world. - -MRS. M. Too attentive by half! - -CRUM. Eh? - -MRS. M. (_seriously_) Yes, cousin. Few women are proof against -ridicule--and some husbands would do well to remember that there is a -point when attention to a wife becomes a burden, and even affection a -persecution. Yes, yes, cousin--he’s too attentive by half! - -_Exit, L. D._ - -CRUM. “Too attentive by half!” Then it is as I feared, and that -simpleton, Mouser, doesn’t see that he is persecuting his wife with his -affection. She evidently dreads a conjugal _tête-à-tête_, and no -wonder. He never leaves her for a moment; but there he is, eternally and -everlastingly at her side, “sighing like furnace,” and making himself -ridiculous in her eyes. Mischief will certainly come of it. Some remedy -must be devised. But what? If I could only contrive to excite -Anastasia’s suspicions that her husband, like Major-General Jones, is -not exactly satisfied with one attachment at a time----By this means her -jealousy might be roused. But she wouldn’t believe _me_. No, -Mouser himself must supply the materials. But how? (_BETSY BAKER -knocks at L. D. F._) Come in! - -_BETSY appears at L. D. F., with a small parcel._ - -BET. Mrs. Mouser’s veil---- - -CRUM. Come in, my dear. - -BET. Pattens and all, sir? - -CRUM. No. You may leave them outside. - -BET. If it’s the same to you, sir, I’d rather not. - -CRUM. Then take them off, at all events. - -BET. Of course, sir. (_takes off her pattens, and comes forward, -carrying them in her hand_) It isn’t likely I should go for to walk -on a carpet, especially when the roads are so dreadful muddy. - -(_putting her pattens down on table with a slam_) - -CRUM. Zounds! Don’t put ’em on the table! (_takes pattens from -her_) - -BET. I’m sure I don’t know what to do with ’em, so put ’em where you -like. - -CRUM. Ha, ha! Heyday! I think I ought to know that face again. - -BET. If you ever saw it before, you certainly ought. - -CRUM. Have I not met you rather frequently of late, walking of an -evening with our young clerk, Joseph Harris? - -BET. Yes, sir. We’ve rather delicate constitutions both of us, so we -generally go out for a little fresh air and exercise every Monday, -Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, after work hours. We -can’t get out any other evenings, sir. I suppose, you’re Mr. Crummy! -You’re not Mr. Mouser. We all know _him!_ - -CRUM. We! Who? - -BET. Why, all us girls at the laundry over the way. Ah, there’s a -pattern for a husband! ’Tisn’t every woman, sir, as gets a Mouser. No, -sir--Mousers are scarce. - -CRUM. And yet you’d take your chance and marry Joseph Harris? - -BET. Just try me! And now I think of it, sir, he has told me more -than once that you said if ever he found a nice, genteel, respectable -young woman that he’d like to marry, you’d do something for him, -sir. - -CRUM. Oh, then, you, I suppose, are the---- - -BET. The young woman? Yes, sir, Elizabeth Baker, the youngest of -sixteen sisters, and all of ’em girls, sir--and hard-working girls, too, -sir. It’s worth going over to our laundry to see us, sir. Fancy sixteen -Bakers a washing, all of a row! - -CRUM. Well, I’ll bear my promise in mind. - -BET. Don’t you think you’d better get it off your mind at once, sir? -There’s a nice little shop in the greengrocery line, to be let at the -corner of the street--and, as Harris doesn’t seem very fond of -the law, it would be just the very thing for us. - -CRUM. (_aside_) Egad, here’s an opportunity for driving a -bargain. She’s a smart little body enough, and if she can only be -induced to act as I direct--I’ll feel the ground at all events. -(_aloud_) I suppose you’ve brought Mrs. Mouser’s veil? (_pointing -to parcel_) - -BET. Yes, sir. - -CRUM. Mr. Mouser called and told _you_ to do so, eh? - -BET. He didn’t address himself to any of us in particular, sir. He -just popped his head in at the door, and said, “Mrs. Mouser wants her -veil directly,” and then took to his heels as if he was frightened to -look at any woman but his wife. Lor! what a happy couple they must -be! - -CRUM. (_with a deep sigh_) Happy! (_solemnly_) They are _not_ a happy -couple! - -BET. Lawks! - -CRUM. Yet they might be--but, unfortunately, there is only one person -in the world who could make them so. - -BET. And who is that? - -CRUM. You. - -BET. (_with a jump_) Me! I’m sure I’ll set about it directly, if -you’ll only tell me how. - -CRUM. I will. (_looks mysteriously about him--BETSY watches -him with astonishment--then in a loud whisper_) You must fall in love -with Mr. Mouser. - -BET. Sir! - -CRUM. And Mr. Mouser must instantly fall in love with you. - -BET. (_staring at him--then with dignity_) Give me my pattens, -sir, and let me go. Give me my pattens, I say. - -CRUM. ’Pshaw, child! You misunderstand me. Listen! Your sudden -passion for Mouser---- - -BET. (_seizing hold of them, and trying to pull them out of CRUMMY’S -hand_) - -CRUM. Oh! Very well! It’s a pity, too--for a married couple might do -very well. - -BET. My pattens! - -CRUM. At that little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the -street. - -BET. My pat--(_letting go the pattens_) Well, they’re not worth -making a piece of work about. - -CRUM. (_smiling_) Oh! Then as I was going to say--your passion -for Mouser, will, of course, be merely assumed, but you must contrive to -make him fall in love with you, in downright earnest. - -BET. I can’t do it, sir. I wouldn’t mind trying, if I wasn’t such a -dragon of virtue--but I’m sorry to say I am. - -CRUM. Then somebody else will. - -BET. But if he should happen to captivate me? - -CRUM. That’s your affair. - -BET. But why--why am I to do all this? - -CRUM. That’s my affair. - -BET. (L.) But what will Mrs. Mouser say? - -CRUM. That’s her affair. - -BET. But she’ll go and imagine all sorts of things. - -CRUM. I hope she will. Come, is it a bargain? Will you have Joseph -Harris, and the little greengrocer’s shop, or will you take your pattens -and go? (_offering them_) - -BET. You can keep the pattens. - -CRUM. Spoken like a sensible girl. (_places patterns in passage, -L.C._) I expect Mouser every minute. - -BET. Oh lud! (_about to run off_) - -CRUM. Don’t run away. (_stopping her_) - -BET. But, consider, sir, you can’t expect me to act a part at a -moment’s notice. - -CRUM. Then take that veil to Mrs. Mouser, and in a few minutes you -can come back, but be sure you _do_ come back! - -_Enter MOUSER, L. D. F._ - -BET. (_looking at him_) Well, I don’t think there’s much danger -of my falling in love with _him_. - -(_MOUSER, who has put his hat, &c., on table, C., turns and sees -BETSY, who runs off, L. D._) - -MOUS. (_L., severely to CRUMMY_) Mr. Crummy, what is that young -person? - -CRUM. Ha, ha! Come, I like that! Go along! - -MOUS. But _I_ don’t like it, sir--neither shall I go along. I -repeat, who is that young person? - -CRUM. Ha, ha! You do it very well, Mouser--but it won’t do--ugh! you -Don Juan! (_poking him in the side_) - -MOUS. (_after a look of astonishment at CRUMMY, then aside_) -Can he have been drinking thus early. - -CRUM. But I really think you might have waited till I was out of the -room, before you---- - -MOUS. Before I what, sir? - -CRUM. You know--this sort of thing, eh? (_winking at MOUSER_) I -suppose you thought I shouldn’t see you do it, eh? - -MOUS. Do it. Do what? - -CRUM. Wink at her. - -MOUS. (_with grandeur_) Mr. Crummy! - -CRUM. That’s right--brazen it out--but let me tell you, sir, I have had -my eye upon you and that young woman for some time past. - -MOUS. Oh, damn it, I can’t stand this! you forget that you’re a -junior partner, sir. - -CRUM. And you forget that I’m your wife’s cousin, sir--yes, sir! And -I’ll not allow you to impose upon her with your pretended affection, you -good-for-nothing little hypocrite you, while you carry on an intrigue -under her very nose, sir. - -MOUS. Nose, sir. - -CRUM. No, sir! Neither will I suffer you to trifle with the feelings -of one that I’m determined shall not fall into the trap you have laid, -sir. You know who I mean--Baker, sir! (_going round him in front to L._) - -MOUS. _I_ trifle with the feelings of a Baker! I lay a trap for -a Baker! You’re talking nonsense, Crummy! - -CRUM. Come, come. Now that you see I’ve found you out--tell me how you -contrived to wheedle poor Betsy out of her affections? - -MOUS. Crummy, I’m not apt to make use of strong language--but--by the -living jingo, I never wheedled a Betsy out of anything in all my -life! - -CRUM. Well, I suppose I must believe you. But, intentionally or not, -you certainly have made a most powerful impression on her youthful -heart! She confessed as much to me just now. - -MOUS. (_gradually dropping his look of indignation, and with -self-satisfaction_) Poor Betsy! I’m very sorry for her, I’m sure! I -say, Crummy, she’s a niceish little sort of a girl enough. - -CRUM. Umph! so, so! (_in a contemptuous tone_) - -MOUS. So, so! No, let’s be just, Crummy--let’s be just. She has good -eyes, Crummy, umph? - -CRUM. (L.) Squints a little. - -MOUS. Does she? I’ve never noticed her in the slightest degree -whatever--but I’m damned if she squints! - -CRUM. At any rate her eyes seem good enough to have noticed -_you._ But, knowing you to be free from blame in the matter, I -reasoned with her, told her the folly of fixing her affections upon a -married man, but all in vain--so _you’d_ better take her in -hand. - -MOUS. Do you think so? - -CRUM. Certainly--you can talk to her seriously, but kindly. - -MOUS. Of course, I shouldn’t go and behave like a brute to her! I -shouldn’t go to blow Betsy up. - -CRUM. Certainly not--for, after all, the poor girl is more to be -pitied than blamed. - -MOUS. Crummy, that sentiment does you honour! It shows that the milk -of human kindness flows in your bosom, Crummy. (_shaking CRUMMY’S -hand_) - -BETSY. (_without, L. H._) Very well, ma’am, I’ll be sure to -remember it. - -CRUM. That’s her voice! There’s something lively and cheerful about -it, eh? - -MOUS. Yes, yes, it’s a pleasant voice, Crummy. (_arranging his -cravat, &c._) - -CRUM. She _might_ have gone out by the back door, but, of -course, she knew that _you_ were here. Ha, ha! (_nudging -MOUSER, then retires up_) - -MOUS. Pooh! Go along! I believe you’re about right, though, ’pon my -life I do! - -_Enter BETSY BAKER, L. D._ - -BET. (_seeing MOUSER_) There stands my wretched victim! He -little knows what’s going to happen to him. - -CRUM. (_C. aside to BETSY_) Now then, attention! (_aloud_) -Well, my dear, Mrs. Mouser was pleased with her veil I hope? - -BET. (_crossing C._) Oh, yes, sir; but in getting it up, somehow -or other, I run the iron through it. I suppose I was thinking of -something else. (_looking languishingly at MOUSER, then aside -to CRUMMY_) How’s that? - -CRUM. (_aside to her_) Capital! - -MOUS. (_in a plaintive tone, and approaching BETSY_) Dear, dear, -so you run the iron through it, did you? What a pity! - -BET. (_with pretended emotion_) Oh, sir! (_letting the veil -fall--aside to CRUMMY_) How’s that? - -CRUM. (_aside to her_) Can’t be better! - -MOUS. (_aside_) It’s a clear case! Poor _creetur!_ (_picks up the -veil, and offers it to BETSY_) - -BET. Oh, sir! (_taking the veil, and squeezing his hand_) I’ve -done it! (_aside_) - -MOUS. (_aside_) She squeezed my hand! - -CRUM. (_to BETSY_) Perhaps you’ve seen Mr. Mouser before. -(_aside to her_) Sigh! (_CRUMMY crosses behind to R. C._) - -BET. Heigho! (_aloud_) Oh yes, sir. I often see Mr. Mouser. I -saw him go out yesterday at thirteen minutes past four, and come in -again at twenty-seven minutes and a half past five. - -CRUM. (_aside to MOUSER_) You see, she counts the very minutes. -(_aloud_) This is the young person who’s going to marry our clerk, -Joseph Harris. - -MOUS. Soon? (R.) - -CRUM. That depends on her. Harris wishes the marriage to take place -immediately, but there seems to be some _slight obstacle_ on her -part--and, strange to say, she won’t tell _me_ what it is. - -MOUS. (_aside_) The thing’s evident. I’m the slight obstacle. - -CRUM. Perhaps _you’ll_ be more fortunate. (_turning L., as going up -to L. D. F._) - -MOUS. (_aside to him_) Good gracious, Crummy, don’t go, and -leave us alone. - -CRUM. (_aside to him_) Of course! You’ve done the mischief, and -you must repair it. (_to BETSY_) Good bye, my good girl. - -BET. (_with pretended alarm_) You’re not a-going, sir? - -MOUS. Poor soul! She hopes he’s not a-going. (_aside_) - -CRUM. (_aside to BETSY_) Capitally. Capitally acted, so far. -Only carry it on a little longer, and the shop is yours. (_aside -to MOUSER_) Did you ever see such a pair of eyes? (_aside, as he -goes out, towards L. D. F._) I’ll not lose sight of them. - -_Exit L. D. F._ - -(_MOUSER and BETSY stand at opposite sides of the Stage. Their -eyes meet once or twice--she dropping them with emotion, and he -drawing himself up and trying to appear indifferent. CRUMMY -crosses unseen into Office, R._) - -BET. Poor man! He’ll never begin, so I suppose I must. (_aloud_) -Sir! - -MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm. No damned nonsense! Do your -duty, Mouser, and that duty commands you instantly to plunge a dagger -into the heart that adores you. Well, Miss Baker? (_with great -indifference--his back towards her_) - -BET. Those as likes me calls me Betsy. (_in a plaintive tone_) -Call me Betsy, sir! - -MOUS. No, Betsy--I shall not call you Betsy--I never do call people by -their Christian names, Betsy--never, Betsy! Never, Betsy! - -BET. No more do I--unless they’re very--_very_ pretty ones indeed, -such as John, and Timothy, and Marma_dook_. (_in a tender tone, -and approaching him_) - -MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm. (_turning to BETSY, and seeing her -close to him, begins whistling again. BETSY retires a step or two, and -approaches him again_) So, you think Marma_dook_ a pretty name, eh? - -BETSY. Yes, sir. I could go on making rhymes to it all day long, as I -stand at the washing-tub: just like the man in the play. - - There’s not a name in any book, - As can compare with Marma_dook_, - No breeze as e’er the treeses shook, - Sounds half as sweet as Marma_dook._ - -MOUS. (_aside_) It was wrong in me to stop. I feel, it was -highly wrong in me to stop. (_aloud_) But remember, you are going -to marry a Joseph. - -BET. (_with sudden violence, and close to MOUSER_) Never! - -MOUS. (_jumping away_) Don’t. But why not? - -BET. I _don’t_ want to marry--I never _will_ marry--I’ll live -and die a Baker. (_with great energy_) - -MOUS. But your reason--your motive--for dying a Baker? - -BET. (_with a pathetic look at MOUSER_) Can _you_ ask? _You! You?_ Oh, -’tis too much! Oh! Oh! Oh! (_aside_) I wonder how I’m doing it. -(_hiding her face in her hands and sobbing_) - -MOUS. Hush! (_tenderly_) Don’t cry--don’t make such a row, Miss -Baker. - -BET. Call me Betsy! - -MOUS. Very well, Betsy. (_aside_) I’ve been _too_ firm, Mouser, you’ve -been by many degrees too firm. (_aloud, and taking BETSY’S hand_) Now, -don’t cry, there’s a dear. (_aside_) I called her a dear! - -_Here CRUMMY looks in from Office, and observes._ - -There--there--and, now laugh--laugh directly, you little rogue. -(_aside_) I called her a little rogue. (_chucks BETSY under the -chin_) - -BET. (_looking nervously towards the door_) Oh, I think I’d -better go now, sir. - -MOUS. Don’t be in a hurry, Betsy. He, he, he my pretty little -Betsy--for you _are_ pretty--_very_--_very_--he, he! (_laughs to -himself, aside_) I’m going it! I feel I’m rapidly becoming a horrid, -good-for-nothing little rascal! But I can’t help it. - -BET. (_trying to disengage her hand_) But, sir, what would Mrs. -Mouser think? - -MOUS. (_recklessly_) Mrs. Mouser may think whatever she likes. There, -what d’ye say to that? Ha, ha, ha! who’s afraid? (_suddenly and very -loud_) Betsy, embrace your Marma_dook_. - -BET. (_frightened, takes up her pattens, and holds them out, -threatening him_) - -MOUS. (_rushes at BETSY--she avoids him, leaving the veil in his -hand._) - -CRUM. (_without_) Very well, I shall find him. - -BET. Oh, lud! (_runs out at door, L. D. F._) - -MOUS. Cousin Crummy! (_follows her to the door, then crams the veil -into his pocket and begins to whistle very loud_) - -_Enter CRUMMY from Office._ - -CRUM. (R.) Oh, you’re alone, are you? - -MOUS. Yes, yes. Amusing myself as well as I can. La, la, la! -(_singing_) - -CRUM. Oh, then, she’s been gone some time I suppose? - -MOUS. She? who? (_pretending to remember_) Oh, yes--little -Betsy--of course--I remember. Ha, ha, ha! How you could have got such an -absurd notion into your head, I can’t imagine. The girl never even -thought of me! - -CRUM. (_aside_) The little hypocrite! (_aloud_) Then I must -have made a mistake. - -MOUS. A mistake of the most gigantic dimensions, Crummy. - -CRUM. Well--by the bye, your wife wants her veil. Where is it? -(_looking about_) Where’s the veil? - -MOUS. Veil? Oh, here it is, but you know it wants mending. - -CRUM. Oh, never mind a little tear like that. - -MOUS. (_tearing a large hole in the veil, aside_) A little tear! -It’s tremendous! Look here. (_shewing it_) So, I’ll just leave it -with the young woman when I go past--(_aside_)--with a note inside, -requesting her to come here this evening, when my wife is out. I’m -rushing headlong into all sorts of iniquities! But, as I said before, I -can’t help it. (_gets hat, &c. from the table_) - -CRUM. You’re going out again? - -MOUS. (_imitating him_) Going out again, what a question! -Doesn’t Mrs. Major-General Jones expect me? - -CRUM. (_smiling_) Again? - -MOUS. Yes, sir, again! This case of Jones _v._ Jones is a very -complicated case, sir, and I must get a counsel’s opinion. - -CRUM. Then, of course, you can’t accompany Anastasia to her -sister’s? - -MOUS. Anastasia! Oh, true, I forgot her. - -CRUM. (_aside_) Forgot his wife! Better and better. Ha, ha! -(_aloud_) Oh, here she comes--you can accompany part of the way. - -MOUS. Eh? Yes, yes, of course! (_pulling out his watch, and looking -at it--then with, pretended surprise_) Goodness gracious! I shall be -too late for Mrs. Major-General Jones. - -(_he rushes out, L. D. F._) - -_Enter MRS. MOUSER in her bonnet and shawl, L._ - -MRS. M. (_calling after MOUSER, whom she sees running out_) Mr. -Mouser! Marmaduke! Call him back, cousin! - -CRUM. It’s no use my calling him back, my dear--he saw you coming. - -MRS. M. And now leaves the house again, without saying a word. - -CRUM. And without his usual “fond embrace before we part!” - -MRS. M. Yes--but this is neglect--downright neglect--not that it matters -to me. - -CRUM. So I see. (_smiling_) - -MRS. M. Mr. Mouser can go where he likes, and do what he likes--and so -can I. We needn’t interfere with one another in the slightest degree. I -shall go to my sister’s. If he chooses to come well and good. If not, I -dare say I shall find some one _polite enough_ to see me home! and -you may tell him so. (_going_) - -CRUM. Well, but Anastasia? - -MRS. M. (_in a loud voice_) You may tell him so. - -(_goes out L. D. F., slamming door after her_) - -CRUM. But Anastasia? Stop! Hear me! I’ll follow her--no, for if I do, -I shall leave the coast clear for Mouser--confound it. I wish I hadn’t -interfered at all. So I’ll find Betsy at once, and marry her off hand to -Joseph Harris and the little greengrocer’s shop. (_taking his hat, -&c._) - -_BETSY peeps in L. D. F._ - -BET. Sir! Sir! Are you alone, Mr. Crummy? - -CRUM. (R.) You’re the very young woman I wish to see. - -BET. So are you, sir. - -CRUM. I see--you’ve given him the slip, eh? - -BET. Slip, sir! Who, sir? - -CRUM. Mouser. Betsy, I’m afraid you’ve gone a little too far. - -BET. (_drawing herself up_) You’ll be good enough to remember, -sir, that you are speaking to Betsy Baker? Didn’t you insist on my -making Mr. Mouser fall in love with me in downright earnest? - -CRUM. Yes, yes. - -BET. And ain’t he in love with me in downright earnest? - -CRUM. Yes, confound him! - -BET. Very well, sir. Then I’ll trouble you for the little -greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the street. - -CRUM. Pooh! We’ll talk about that some other time. (_walking -about_) - -BET. No, sir--now! now! (_following him_) I won’t go out of the -house, without the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner of the -street. I’ve worked hard for it! - -CRUM. Pshaw! - -BET. (_stopping_) Very well--then I know what I’ll do--I’ll fall -in love with Mouser in downright earnest, too! He’s a very nice little -fellow, Mr. Mouser! Where is Mr. Mouser? (_in a loud voice and walking -to and fro_) Where’s Mr. Mouser? - -CRUM. (_following her_) Hush! - -BET. (_louder still_) I want my Mouser! - -CRUM. Be quiet; you shall have the shop--but, on this condition--that -you don’t see Mouser again. - -BET. Then you must tell him I can’t come. - -CRUM. Can’t come, where? - -BET. Here, in an hour’s time. That’s what I came to tell you about. -He left Mrs. Mouser’s veil at our place just now, and, when I opened it -there was a letter inside! - -CRUM. A letter? - -BET. Yes, sir. - -CRUM. From Mr. Mouser? - -BET. Yes, sir, appointing me to meet him here. - -CRUM. Why, then, the little profligate is really in love with her! -And you read the letter? - -BET. No, sir, I defy anybody to say they ever saw me read anything. -So I gave it to one of our girls. - -CRUM. The devil! - -BET. No, sir, Big Charlotte--a red-haired young woman, on a large -scale. Perhaps you’ve noticed her, sir? - -CRUM. Pshaw! Go on. - -BET. Well, sir, she read the letter out loud, at the top of her -voice, sir--and she’s a very powerful organ. Perhaps you’ve heard her -organ, sir. - -CRUM. Confusion! Then the contents of the letter--that Mouser had -asked you to meet him here---- - -BET. Was known all over the laundry in a twinkling. Fancy -thirty-seven female voices, including Big Charlotte’s, crying out, -“Lawks!” at the same moment? Of course, I was obliged to clear myself, -which I did, by telling them the whole business! How it was to oblige -you, that I was trying to make Mr. Mouser fall in love with me; because -as how you promised to give the little greengrocer’s shop at the corner -of the street to the young woman that succeeded in captivating him. - -CRUM. Well? - -BET. Well, sir--the words were no sooner out of my mouth, than all the -washing-tubs were deserted in a moment, and the whole of the -thirty-seven girls--Big Charlotte included--seemed determined to set -about captivating Mr. Mouser at once--and, as ill-luck would have it, he -passed by the window at that moment, sir--and they all instantly rushed -out after him, in a body. - -CRUM. Zounds! There’s a pretty piece of business! What’ll become of -him? Why the devil did I interfere? (_snatches up his hat and runs -off_) - -BET. But, sir! Mr. Crummy! Stop! Where’s my shop? I insist on my -shop! - -(_Great noise of WOMEN’S voices suddenly heard--“Stop, sir!” -“Mr. Mouser!” “Don’t run!” “It’s only me!” &c.; MOUSER rushes in at -D. L. F., followed by WOMEN; after considerable trouble he turns them -out again at door and slams it--noise of WOMEN’S voices repeated_) - -MOUS. (_shouting at the door_) Go along! Females begone! - -(_WOMEN heard again at R. D., MOUSER runs and closes it_) - -MOUS. (_advancing_) What the deuce is the matter with the women? What -are the police about? I pay the police rate--cheerfully and willingly -pay it--because I can’t help it. I provide a large body of men, not -only with the necessaries of life, but with the luxury of an oilskin -cape to protect them from the inclemency of the weather--and yet in -open day--walking slowly along the public streets--I find myself -suddenly overwhelmed by an avalanche of females! (_in a serious tone_) -It’s a retribution. Mouser, listen to me--you have a wife, Mouser--and -yet, you first run after another woman: and now you have fifty women -running after you, Mouser. It won’t do, Mouser! (_sees BETSY_) Ah, -Betsy!--so you’re come, eh? - -BET. No, sir, I ain’t. - -MOUS. Come, I like that. - -BET. Well, if I have you sent for me. - -MOUS. The fact is, I requested your presence here--to--to--reason with -you--on the--impropriety of your conduct. - -BET. Sir. (_aside_) If I was only sure of the shop, I’d bust out -a laughing--but, as I ain’t, I dare not. (_aloud_) I see how it is -you want to break my heart. - -MOUS. Hush! (_trying to pacify her_) You’re wrong, Betsy, but -you don’t know what it is to have a young and lovely wife, Betsy. - -BET. Yes I do. - -MOUS. No you don’t, and what’s more, you probably never will. And so, -Betsy--that is--I mean--I say--I mean--(_aside_)--I can’t make up my -mind as to what I _do_ mean. - -_WOMEN heard again without._ - -MOUS. (_aside_) The women again! I’ll go and shut the office door, for -fear they should come in that way. (_goes off, R. D. F._) - -BET. (_suddenly leaving off sobbing_) I’m horribly afraid the -little shop at the corner of the street, will slip through my fingers at -last. (_double knock at street door_) Oh, gemini! Who can that be? -What’ll become of me? - -_MRS. MOUSER enters, L. D. F., followed by BOY._ - -MRS. M. Is Mr. Mouser at home? - -BOY. No, ma’am. - -MRS. M. Bring candles. - -BOY. Yes, ma’am. - -(_BOY goes off and returns immediately with candles, which he -places on table, and then retires at back. BETSY makes her -escape, and runs out L. D. F._) - -MRS. M. Good gracious! What a commotion! There are at least thirty -women round the door! I’m quite alarmed! I feel I was wrong to leave the -house in a pet against Mr. Mouser. As for my Cousin Crummy’s -insinuations, I treat them with the utmost contempt. So, instead of -spending the evening with sister Charlotte, I determined to return home, -and give my poor dear affectionate little husband an agreeable -surprise. - -MOUS. (_from within_) Don’t be impatient! - -MRS. M. That’s his voice. Who can he be speaking to? - -MOUS. (_from within_) I’ll be with you directly, Betsy. - -MRS. M. Betsy! (_blows out candles, stage dark_) Oh! the monster! - -_Re-enter MOUSER from Office, R. D. F._ - -MOUS. How dark it is! Betsy! Where are you, Betsy? (_feeling his way_) - -MRS. M. (_in an assumed voice_) Here! - -MOUS. Where? - -MRS. M. Here, you wretch! (_gives him a box on the ears_) - -MOUS. Zounds! (_lays hold of MRS. MOUSER, in the struggle she takes -off MOUSER’S wig, and runs into room, L., shutting door in MOUSER’S -face_) - -MOUS. Holloa! She’s locked herself up, with my wig, in Mrs. Mouser’s -room. Betsy! Elizabeth! Miss Baker! Don’t be absurd! Come out of that -room--give me my wig! (_knocking and trying to open door_) Open the -door! Open it this instant, or I’ll overwhelm you with my indignation -through the keyhole. - -_Enter CRUMMY from Office, with a candle._ - -CRUM. I can’t find him any where. (_seeing him_) Holloa!--ha, ha, -ha! - -MOUS. Don’t laugh, Crummy, look at me! She’s here--I mean, she’s -there. - -CRUM. Who? - -MOUS. Betsy--in my wife’s room. - -CRUM. Ah! Any one with her? - -MOUS. Yes, my wig. This is your doing--this is your precious work. -(_seizing CRUMMY and shaking him_) It was you--you who exposed me to -the fascinations of this juvenile washerwoman. It’s through you that I -have lost my peace of mind, and my wig. Where are they? Where’s my -peace of mind? Where’s my wig? - -(_shaking CRUMMY again violently_) - -BETSY. (_who, during the latter part of MOUSER’S speech, has entered -L. D. F. and come down, L._) Yes, and where’s my shop? - -MOUS. (C.) Exactly. Where’s my shop--I mean---- (_sees BETSY_) Holloa! - -BET. (_seeing MOUSER, and then bursting into a violent fit of -laughter_) Ha, ha, ha! Oh, my! What a Guy! Ha, ha, ha! - -MOUS. What d’ye mean by a Guy? (_suddenly recollecting. Snatches -CRUMMY’S hat out of his hand, and puts it on_) And how--how the -deuce did you get out of that room? - -BET. I never was in it! - -MOUS. Ha, ha! That’s right, Miss Baker! Stick to it, Miss Baker! -Perhaps you’ll go so far as to say that it wasn’t you who did me the -honour just now of boxing my ears, and run away with my wig. - -BET. (L.) Certainly not. - -MOUS. Then who was it? I repeat, who was it? - -MRS. M. (_entering at door, L._) Your wife, sir! - -MOUS. Anastasia! Crummy, take me away, and put me somewhere. - -CRUM. (_R. C., aside to him_) Do as I do, and all will be right! -(_aside to BETSY, and giving her a paper_) There’s the lease of the -little shop, back me in all I say. - -MRS. M. Now, Mr. Mouser, what have you to say for yourself? - -CRUM. (_suddenly bursting into a fit of laughter_) Ha, ha, ha! -(_aside to BETSY and MOUSER_) Go it. Ha, ha, ha! - -(_MRS. MOUSER enraged, walks up Stage, L._) - -MOUS. } - } (_laughing immoderately_) Ha, ha, ha! -BET. } - -CRUM. Capital. Ha, ha, ha! (_holding his sides_) - -MOUS. Delicious. Ha, ha! (_imitating him_) - -BET. Glorious. Ha, ha! (_aside_) I wonder what I’m laughing -at. - -MRS. M. (L.) Mr. Mouser, I insist on your instantly explaining. - -CRUM. He can’t speak for laughing--can you, Mouser? (_nudging MOUSER, -who is looking very serious_) - -MOUS. (R. H.) No. (_bursting out again_) Ha, ha, ha! - -MRS. M. (_to BETSY_) Young woman, speak this moment! (_angrily_) - -BET. (_R. C., alarmed_) Yes, ma’am. It’s not my fault, ma’am, indeed -it isn’t--(_half crying_)--but you see, ma’am. (_CRUMMY nudges -her--then suddenly_) Ha, ha, ha! - -CRUM. (_crosses L. C._) I must explain after all, I see--Anastasia -Mouser, not an hour since--and in terms as forcible as they were -pathetic--you brought a grave and heavy charge against your husband. - -MRS. M. (_aside to CRUMMY, and rapidly_) Hush! - -CRUM. Yes, Anastasia Mouser--and that charge was, that he was “_too -attentive by half._” It almost broke his heart. Didn’t it, Mouser? - -MOUS. (_affecting pathos_) As near as a toucher! - -CRUM. But suddenly a smile lighted up his benevolent -countenance--(_MOUSER smiles_)--and he said to me, “Crummy, I’ve an -idea.” Didn’t you, Mouser? - -MOUS. Yes, I distinctly said, “Crummy, I’ve an idea.” - -BET. I’ll swear to it. I heard him. - -MRS. M. (_suddenly_) I see it all. - -MOUS. (_aside_) That’s lucky. I’m damned if I do. - -CRUM. And I determined to teach you this lesson--that the wife, who -could complain of too much attention from a husband, could only be cured -of her error by being led to suspect that that affection was bestowed on -another. (_gets round behind to R._) - -MOUS. Exactly. - -MRS. M. Then you have succeeded--for though, Marmaduke, you may love -me a thousand times better than ever--I’ll never complain again. -(_embracing MOUSER_) - -MOUS. On these conditions, I forgive you. - -MRS. M. My dear Cousin Crummy, what do I not owe you? - -CRUM. First, pay your debts here. (_taking BETSY by the hand_) - -MRS. M. Oh, you were in the plot too? - -BET. Yes, ma’am. - -MRS. M. And who are you? - -BET. Betsy Baker as is--Mrs. Joseph Harris as will he. - -MRS. M. And how can I serve you? - -BET. By allowing me to serve you--the best of vegetables, and fresh -oysters every day. - -MOUS. We’ll certainly deal with you. Eh, ’Stasy? - -MRS. M. But I’ll go to market. - -BET. (_to audience_) Do, ma’am--and I hope you will only be one -out of many customers, at our new shop, where by a supply of the best -articles we can get--joined with attention, civility, and moderate -prices, we hope to secure the patronage of the Nobility, Gentry, and the -Public in general. - - CRUMMY. BETSY. MOUSER. MRS. MOUSER. - RIGHT. LEFT. - - Curtain. - - -Printed by Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn. - - - - -Transcriber’s Note - -This transcription is based on two sets of scans of the Lacy edition. -The first is available through the Internet Archive from a copy held -by the University of Warwick: - - archive.org/details/betsybakerortooa0000mort - -The second, available through the Hathi Digital Library, is from a -copy of Volume 8 of Lacy’s Acting Edition of Plays from the University -of Michigan: - - hdl.handle.net/2027/mdp.39015067453061 - -The text of _Betsy Barker!_ begins on page 302 of the scans. Other than -differences in Lacy’s business address on the title page and -information about the printer at the end, the text of the two scan sets -appears to be the same. Because of issues related to publication, the -condition of the scanned copies, and the scanning process itself, both -sets were used for the transcription. - -The following changes were made to the text: - -Title page: Milliner’s Holiday--Changed to “Milliners’ Holiday”, the -correct title of the play. - ---p. 3: I thought I heard my dear Cousin Crummy outside--Added a period -to the end of the sentence. - ---p. 5: _who places it on back of chair, R. of table._--Added a closing -parenthesis. - ---p. 7: ’Tisn’t every woman, sir, as get’s a Mouser.--Changed “get’s” to -“gets”. - ---p. 9: but it won’t do do--ugh! you Don Juan!--Deleted the second “do”. - ---p. 9: CRUM. Wink at her,--Changed the comma at the end of the line -to a period. - ---p. 10: CRUM. Umph! so, so: (_in a contemptuous tone_)--Changed colon -to an exclamation mark. - ---p. 12: such as John, and Timothy, and Marma_dook_--Added a period -after “Marma_dook_”. - ---p. 12: MOUS. (_aside_) Mouser, be firm--Added a period after “firm”. - ---p. 13: (_rushes at BETSY--she avoids him, leaving the veil in his -hand._--Changed the period after “_hand_” to a closing parenthesis for -consistency. - ---p. 15: (_great noise of WOMEN’S voices suddenly heard_--Changed -“_great_” to “_Great_”. - -p. 18: Young woman, speak this moment (_angrily_)--Added an exclamation -mark after “moment”. - -Some inconsistencies, such as the inconsistent hyphenation of the -phrase “by the bye” and the different spellings of “pshaw”, have not -been standardized. - - - - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BETSY BAKER! 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