diff options
| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-01-28 04:36:21 -0800 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-01-28 04:36:21 -0800 |
| commit | d8805ff02a01cf8a840c55eacffc264182ace6c4 (patch) | |
| tree | 839714821b513b94f9e17e692dbea505a59cfa2d /old/61864-0.txt | |
| parent | 18dd4e0933a835dc083a732d0c4e9777f4a5cabf (diff) | |
Diffstat (limited to 'old/61864-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/61864-0.txt | 2695 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 2695 deletions
diff --git a/old/61864-0.txt b/old/61864-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2fa99a3..0000000 --- a/old/61864-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2695 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 27, -November, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll -have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using -this ebook. - - - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 27, November, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: April 18, 2020 [EBook #61864] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - -Transcriber’s Note: If you’re following these issues in order, we jump -straight from No. 25 (October 1921) to this No. 27 (November 1921). -Subsequent issues continue the numbering from here. No. 26 doesn’t seem -to exist at all. - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 27, November, 1921 - - - - -STATEMENT OF THE OWNERSHIP, MANAGEMENT, CIRCULATION, ETC., REQUIRED BY -THE ACT OF CONGRESS OF AUGUST, 24, 1912. - -Of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, published monthly at Robbinsdale, -Minnesota, for October 1, 1921. - - -State of Minnesota, County of Hennepin—ss. - -Before me, a notary public in and for the state and county, aforesaid, -personally appeared Harvey Fawcett, who, having been duly sworn according -to law, deposes and says that he is the business manager of Captain -Billy’s Whiz Bang, and that the following is, to the best of his -knowledge and belief, a true statement of the ownership, management (and -if a daily paper, the circulation), etc., of the aforesaid publication -for the date shown in the above caption, required by the Act of August -24, 1912, embodied in Section 443, Postal Laws and Regulations, printed -on the reverse of this form, to-wit: - -1. That the names and addresses of the publisher, editor, managing -editor, and business managers are: Publisher, W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, -Minnesota; editor, W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; managing -editor, none; business manager, Harvey Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - -2. That the owners are: (Give names and addresses of individual owners, -or, if a corporation, give its name and the names and addresses of -stockholders owning or holding 1 per cent or more of the total amount -of stock.) W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; Claire Fawcett, -Robbinsdale, Minnesota; George D. Meyers, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; Robert. -P. Kirby, Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - -3. That the known bondholders, mortgagees, and other security holders -owning or holding 1 per cent or more of total amount of bonds, mortgages -or other securities are: (If there are none, so state.) None. - -4. That the two paragraphs next above, giving the names of the owners, -stockholders, and security holders, if any, contain not only the list -of stockholders and security holders as they appear upon the books of -the company but also, in cases where the stockholder or security holder -appear upon the books of the company as trusted or in any other fiduciary -relation, the name of the person or corporation for whom such trustee is -acting is given; also that the said two paragraphs contain statements -embracing affiant’s full knowledge and belief as to the circumstances -and conditions under which stockholders and security holders who do -not appear upon the books of the company as trustees, hold stock and -securities in a capacity other than that of a bona fide owner; and this -affiant has no reason to believe that any other person, association, or -corporation has any interest direct or indirect in the said stock, bonds, -other securities than as so stated by him. - -5. That the average number of copies of each issue of this publication -sold or distributed, through the mails or otherwise, to paid subscribers -during the six months preceding the date shown above is: (This -information is required from daily publications only.) - - (Signed) HARVEY FAWCETT. - -Sworn to and subscribed before me this 9th day of September 1921. - - EDITH M. KEEGAN, - Notary public, Hennepin county, Minnesota. - -My commission expires October 8, 1924. - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - NOVEMBER, 1921 Vol. III. No. 27 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1921 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - _Ye Editor is now touring these great and glorious United - States in quest of the Famed Pedigreed Bull, and in this issue - we are intending to give a wider variety as a result of our - visits to the East, South and the golden West._ - - _We had the pleasure of spending an afternoon at the New York - studio as a personal guest of D. W. Griffith, in addition - to peeping behind Broadway’s scenes, and at this writing we - are “courting Satan” in the domain of Fatty Arbuckle et al., - California’s movie camps._ - - _If we seem to carry too much gossip in this issue from - Hollywood and Los Angeles, please pardon us. We’ll be leaving - soon for the deer hunting grounds in Minnesota, but in the - meantime, of course, we will have to go to San Francisco, “The - City of Health, Wealth and Beauty,” for first-hand information - on Movieland’s latest and biggest sensation!_ - - -Well, Kind Readers, I woke up the other morning with a grouch and the -reason for it is just this: Gus, the hired man, jumped his job and I had -to do the morning chores myself. At that moment I could waft forth onto -the silvery air the sweetest scent you ever scented. To make matters all -the worse, one of the cows kicked over the milk pail when I was half -through the job. She also added insult to injury by swishing her mucky -old tail in my face. - -But to get back to Gus. Really, I don’t think he played exactly fair. -After he had enjoyed several aeroplane rides and a wonderful trip to New -York and Atlantic City, he became obsessed with the idea that the sun -rose and set in his face—that it was his bounden duty to hang up the moon -and take down the sun each evening. Really, Fellow Soaks, I couldn’t get -him even to feed the pet monkey which I gave him as a present for assumed -faithfulness. Previously I had a confidential talk with him regarding a -boat which was badly in need of a coat of white lead and tar. He became -quite haughty at the idea that I should expect him to act as Indian guide -and hired man at the same time, so he threw his hands in the air and -yelled: “I’m through.” And I guess he is through, for the last time I saw -him that morning he was spinning away to Minneapolis. - -Right at this point, I must get somewhat confidential. My opinion of -Gus is that he was lonesome for Robbinsdale—and its nearby suburb, -Minneapolis. Breezy Point at Pequot, Minnesota, is thoroughly dry on -account of its location in the Indian territory. When Gus is thirsty, -he’s good and thirsty and it is my honest belief that some day in the -future he’ll come back to the old homestead again. - -Well, Gus, if you ever read these lines, Good Luck to you and God bless -you—though I do feel like saying Gosh Darn you instead. - - * * * * * - -Every now and then it falls my lot to awaken with deep emotions of -remorse. When the harvest of a misspent night has been reaped and -garnered, the “morning after” invariably finds me with a sort of null -and void feeling. Here I am in the old red barn of the Whiz Bang farm -endeavoring to gather some fertile copy for the November issue. My poor, -fatigued brain refuses to move to action. It is quite comparable to the -brain of a univalve mollusk. I can find but one palliative for my purely -personal woes and that is the twentieth amendment. - -Oh, for the days of Omar Khayyam. His immortal Rubaiyat is a masterpiece -for the “rounder.” Had he lived in this modern generation a different -title would have graced his writings. We would probably be reading a -booklet entitled “The Philosophy of An Old Sport,” or probably that short -and sweet title, “Wine, Women and Song.” Whenever I feel like a fatuous -fathead, a certain degree of relief always can be gained in perusing -Omar’s bull. And so today, while I have a look of languor like a homesick -bum, I am repeating herewith some of his verses which may find an appeal -to “The old sport who sat in the grand stand chair.” Here they are: - - They say the Lion and the Lizard keep - The Courts where Jamshyd gloried and drank deep - And Braham, that great Hunter—the Wild Ass - Stamps o’er his Head, but cannot break his Sleep. - - For some we loved, the loveliest and the best - That from his Vintage rolling Time hath prest, - Have drunk their Cup a Round or two before, - And one by one crept silently to rest. - - You know, my Friends, with what a brave Carouse - I made a Second Marriage in my house; - Divorced old barren Reason from my Bed, - And took the Daughter of the Vine to Spouse. - - And lately, by the Tavern Door agape, - Came shining through the Dusk an Angel Shape - Bearing a Vessel on his Shoulder; and - He bid me taste of it; and ’twas—the Grape. - - Why, be this Juice the growth of God, who dare - Blaspheme the twisted tendril as a snare? - A Blessing, we should use it, should we not? - And if a Curse—why, then, Who set it there? - - =YESTERDAY= this Day’s Madness did prepare; - =TOMORROW’S= Silence, Triumph, or Despair: - Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why: - Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where. - - Whereat some one of the loquacious Lot— - I think a Sufi pipkin—waxing hot— - “All this of Pot and Potter—Tell me, then, - “Who is the Potter, pray, and who the Pot?” - - “Why,” said another, “Some there are who tell - “Of one who threatens he will toss to Hell - “The luckless Pots he marr’d in making—Pish! - “He’s a Good Fellow, and ’twill all be well.” - - Ah, with the Grape my fading life provide, - And wash the Body whence the life has died, - And lay me, shrouded in the living Leaf, - By some not unfrequented Garden-side. - - =Ah Love! could you and I with Him conspire= - =To grasp this sorry Scheme of Things entire,= - =Would we not shatter it to bits—and then= - =Re-mould it nearer to the Heart’s Desire!= - - And when like her, or Saki, you shall pass - Among the Guests Star-scattered on the Grass, - And in your joyous errand reach the spot - Where I made One—turn down an empty Glass! - - * * * * * - -“It won’t be long now,” insisted my new Jewish farm hand, Ikey, as he -grabbed the axe this morning to cut the daily supply of wood. - - * * * * * - -We surely are getting lots of tourists in Minnesota this year. Just at -the close of the hunting season we saw a pennant on the back of a Ford of -the vintage of 1904 or 1905 which read “Clymer, Pa.” - - * * * * * - -Fishing season was brought to an eventful close at my summer resort, -Breezy Point Lodge, in the Indian country of Northern Minnesota this -month and now all we have to do is sit around all winter and recount -experiences with the hook and line. - -The day the season closed four of us boarded a raft and put out into Big -Pelican Lake for a day’s angling. I had a very strong line and towards -the close of the day was rewarded with a big bite from a Great Northern -pike. The pike nearly ran away with the line, but the four of us held on -and Mr. Fish pulled us almost to shore. When we reached shallow water we -grabbed the line and made a half hitch around a tree while one of the -party pumped the fish full of shotgun pellets. It was then we discovered -that the fish had swallowed a young fawn and that the fawn, after being -swallowed, kicked its legs through the belly of the fish, and thus the -fish, when it reached shallow water, had been able to walk almost to -shore. What was that you said? Yes, sure, make it Bourb’n! - - * * * * * - -This is a plea for fair play. Fatty Arbuckle at this writing hasn’t been -convicted of any crime. Testimony by one of the prosecuting witnesses is -claimed by the defense as showing Miss Rappe voluntarily entering what -later proved to be her death chamber. We are not taking that as evidence -to remove guilt or do we claim that it excuses Fatty for his alleged -actions. - -The “exposure” of Fatty’s past actions by daily newspapers ought not -to be news to regular Whiz Bang readers. For more than a year we -have “kidded” Fatty, in our “movie pages,” for his famous “pajama -parties,” and dedicated the cover of our August, 1920, issue to Fatty’s -“heart-breaking” playfulness in Hollywood. - -A recent report to the Whiz Bang was to the effect that Mr. Arbuckle -bought the Randolph Miner home on West Adams Street, Los Angeles, because -it was supposed to hold a thirty thousand dollar cellar. - - * * * * * - -We are reminded, by an enthusiastic reader, of the old story of the man -who walked into a Halstead Street saloon in Chicago and ordered Sherry -and Egg. - -“Bartender, if your Sherry was as old as your egg and your egg was as -young as your Sherry, this would be a dang good drink.” - - * * * * * - -Deacon Miller, my long-haired neighbor, doesn’t approve of the aeroplane -which I purchased recently any more than he does of my Whiz Bang. When -our hired man told the Deacon about my purchase of the plane, old Miller -grunted and snorted and said he wouldn’t own any fool thing that would -fly and not lay any eggs. - - * * * * * - -We have it from the Seattle Post Intelligencer that the Justamere farm at -Mount Vernon, Washington, is the home of Colony Zarilda Cornucopia, the -only 33,000-pound pedigreed bull in the state. I’d hate to be the hired -man that had to throw this bull every day. - - * * * * * - -My, my, my, what an agitation we have started over the definition of a -“Whiffenpoof.” A Kansas reader avers that everybody is wrong so far; that -a “Whiffenpoof” is a bird that eats red pepper and has to fly backwards -to keep his tail from catching on fire. - - * * * * * - -Some young men seem to imagine that they are following the fashions when -they are on the trail of a pretty girl. - - * * * * * - -My new hired man, Pete, hangs around the hog pen so much that he -apparently has learned most of his manners from the animals. The other -night we went to supper at neighbor Nelson’s place and our hired man -tried to make a hit with Tillie, old man Nelson’s daughter. A few days -later I asked Tillie how she liked Pete. - -“Oh,” she exclaimed, “At supper he acted like a pig and after supper he -was such a bore.” - -So I guess that ends Pete’s love affair so far as Tillie is concerned. - - * * * * * - -Well, boys, in conclusion I wish to cheer you up with the consolation -that the Bible gives to the thirsty: “Blessed are the poor in spirit.” - - * * * * * - -Those Inquisitive Aussies - -An Australian editor tells this story— - -An old lady, at the conclusion of the war, was paying a visit to Madame -Jarley’s Wax Works. Carefully sizing up a group of figures representing -various ancient queens, including Queen Elizabeth and Mary Queen of -Scots, she asked an attendant if they wore any underwear under this -gorgeous raiment. The attendant replied: - -“No, ma’am, they don’t wear any, but the public of course thinks they -do. The only visitors we’ve ’ad as knows they don’t are some Australian -soldiers.” - - * * * * * - -Hot Tamales - -Two jolly traveling men viewed with unmingled pleasure the charms of a -beautiful maiden who sat opposite them in the palatial Twentieth Century -Limited. To their surprise and further happiness, the fair charmer -suddenly removed her stockings, turned them inside out and replaced them, -being careful to roll them stylishly to half-hose length. The drummers -were quite worried as to why she went through this performance. Finally -one of them screwed up courage enough to ask her point blank. Here’s her -pert reply: - -“Oh, my legs were hot and I just turned the hose on them.” - - * * * * * - -An Eye Opener - -She was sweet seventeen and just emancipated from the thraldom of school, -but already she had her “best boy,” who on some special occasion gave her -a gold watch. - -Some days later he inquired if she had told her friends of his little -gift. - -“Oh, yes,” she said “all of them.” - -“Did you say who gave it to you?” - -“Of course not,” replied the artless maiden. “We always gave one kiss for -each chocolate at school. But for a gold watch! Well, I thought it best -to say mamma gave it to me.” - - * * * * * - -Oh, scissors, let’s cut up. - - * * * * * - -Heard On the Toonerville - -It was pitch dark along the road and had anybody been listening in the -shrubbery they would have heard the voice of a woman remonstrating with a -man. “I won’t,” exclaimed the woman, “I think you are a brute.” - -“You’ll either do what I say or get out and walk home,” roared the deep -voice of the man. - -“All right, I’ll walk,” said the woman, “but wait till I tell my husband. -I paid my fare and you rang it up just before we left the city limits,” -and she indignantly left the street car. - - * * * * * - -Ring On, Oh Bells - -Bright’s wife prided herself on being resourceful and after waiting in -another room while her husband talked for half an hour with a gentleman -in the parlor she turned the alarm clock so it rang a second and then -called, “John, you are wanted on the phone.” The caller said good-bye and -John came back to his wife with an amused smile. “Well, that’s one way to -get rid of them,” said friend wife. “What did he want?” “Oh, nothing,” -replied her husband, “he was just a solicitor trying to get me to have a -telephone put in.” - - * * * * * - -For Freedom - -Convict—“I’m here for having five wives.” - -Visitor—“How are you enjoying your liberty?” - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Where can I find a man like Fatty -Arbuckle?—=_Marie De Wildmen._= - -We have referred your inquiry to Pedro. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What makes the wild cat wild?—=_Larry Cranker._= - -Turpentine. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a “soubrette?”—=_Ivegon Buggs._= - -A singer that gets $50 a week and sends $100 home to mother. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Bill_=—How long does the three-foot kiss in the movies -last?—=_Oscar Latory._= - -Long enough to warp the hands on an asbestos alarm clock. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—If you were a cowpuncher alone in a big city and without -a pony, saddle, or lariat, and desired to corral a calf, what would you -do?—=_Scare D. Catt._= - -“Getting Gertie’s Garter” is one of the biggest hits of the season. - - * * * * * - -=_Captain Billy_=—Why is it that the motion picture producers must give -their picture such blatant title as “Once to Every Woman,” “Why Change -Your Wife?”, etc. Stage plays don’t have to have “alluring” names to be -successful.—=_Legit._= - -Quite right, Legit. The “movies” ought to tone down their titles so as to -make them drab and commonplace and on a par with such stage successes, -as “Mary’s Ankle,” “Up in Mabel’s Room,” “Twin Beds,” and the recent -Broadway hit, “Getting Gertie’s Garter.” The last must have been some job. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a golf hazard and what does ex-President -Taft playing golf remind you of?—=_Loon Attic._= - -A golf hazard is getting stung by a bee in a rough. Don’t know what Taft -playing golf reminds of unless it’s a hippopotamus playing tiddlywinks. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Billy_=—What is the best way to tell a gentleman?—=_Root T. Toot._= - -The best way is to watch how he wears his evening clothes—or pajamas. The -first is preferable for single folk. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—What is meant by the stuff dreams are made of?—=_Near Beer._= - -Paint, powder, padding and false hair. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Fawcett_=—Can you give me a recipe for a dish known as -Strawberry Surprise?—=_Miss Conny Sewer._= - -Pick the bones out of a quart of strawberries. Add two pounds of borrowed -sugar. Throw in a quart of oyster shells and three raisins. If it is good -that’s the surprise. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Bill_=—What are the best furs for summer wear?—=_Parry Moore._= - -Deerskin, bearskin and moleskin probably would suit your tastes. Moleskin -is very popular nowadays. No matter where the mole is the skin can be -worn to show it. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—Which animal is the better fighter—dog or badger?—=_B. D. -Chamber._= - -It depends on how strong the badger is. In the usual badger fight, too, -much depends on the proficiency shown in the art of releasing the badger. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Whiz Bang_=—What bird is known as the bird of peace?—=_Passy -Fist._= - -The chicken. - - * * * * * - -=_Captain Breezy Bill_=—Kindly give me your Whiz Bang definition of the -phrase “Matrimonial Progress.”—=_Whipper Will._= - -Adhering strictly to Queens-Gooseberry rules, I cheerfully submit the -following: “Maid One; Maid Won; Made One.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Billy_=—Where do women’s styles start?—=_Miss Wobb L. Walke._= - -Styles start in Paris but we finish ’em here. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Whiz Bang_=—Can you tell me if it is true that some animals use -their tails as signals?—=_Dr. Walloper._= - -Yes, indeed—here in Robbinsdale and elsewhere. The South American puma -is said to agitate its tail-tip to entice grazing, curious creatures. -The white underneath part of several varieties of deer are said to be -used as a guide for other members of the herd. The horse uses his tail -as a sun shade for the driver. Probably there are other animals that use -their tails, but as we have never taken our post-graduate degree in tail -technology, this meager answer will have to suffice for the present. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Would you please define “Platonic Love?”—=_Plute -O. Fizz._= - -“Platonic Love” means that you can kiss her all you want and forget she -is a woman. But there ain’t no such animal. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Is it true that Fatty Arbuckle is to plead -“insanity”?—=_Aunty I. Over._= - -We wouldn’t be surprised. Fatty has been acting rather funny for several -months. - - - - -_Movie Hot Stuff_ - - -We wonder how Mary Miles Minter likes the idea of the battleship “New -Mexico” being sent up to Puget Sound Navy Yard to have her bottom -scraped. It is said the “New Mexico” carried away a handsome young -officer “in the middle of a reel.” - - * * * * * - -Dorothy Dalton has been seen dancing often of late at the Ambassador -Hotel in Los Angeles with her millionaire “angel,” Godsell, of the -Goldwyn Film Company. - - * * * * * - -Bebe Daniels and Jack Dempsey, the pugilist, as the press agents of the -film companies may have told you, have been seen chattering in the jungle -at the Ambassador Cocoanut Grove. - - * * * * * - -Wanda Hawley has been vacationing at Catalina. Her hair has lately been -bobbed and has lost its former brownishness, for it is now corn-tassel -white. Wanda occupied a table in the center of the huge dining room of -the St. Catherine Hotel and often dined with a tanned, slender, and -quiet young man. Star and escort looked decidedly bored. - - * * * * * - -Thompson Buchanan, Lasky scenario chieftain, is encouraging Helene -Chadwick in her film career. - - * * * * * - -Kathleen Clifford, clad in sports clothes and sandals, steps nights with -a handsome dark stranger. - - * * * * * - -Herbert Rawlinson, with a couple of minor actor friends in tow, spent -a month at Catalina. Roberta Arnold, Herbert’s wife, seemed to be -“somewhere on location” for she was not in those parts. The adoration of -some hundreds of grammar school girls seemed centered on handsome Herb -and his marvelous physique. - - * * * * * - -Marshall Neilan’s “all in a minute” scenario writer, Lucita Squire, is -still in the game. - - * * * * * - -We know nothing about the scenario business but it is reported from -the camps that Gouverneur Morris has discovered one of those “all in a -minute” scenario writers in Ruth Wightman, and that she is now adapting -his stories for the screen. - - * * * * * - -May McAvoy and Eddie Sutherland are stepping about together. - - * * * * * - -Clara Kimball Young is playing the navy. - - * * * * * - -The same day Charley Chaplin was being carried on the shoulders of his -admirers in London, that other world’s famous film comedian, “Fatty” -Arbuckle, was being shouldered along to jail by policemen for his -connection with the death of a motion picture actress in a San Francisco -hotel. - - * * * * * - -Jackie Saunders and Hubby Horkheimer haven’t been bathing at Long Beach -of late. Some of the Iowans who inhabit the “metropolis” become “Infant -terribles” when the name Horkheimer is mentioned. - -Many of them are putting up their noses and saying, “I told you so!” -Now, due to the publicity which centers around the mixup of Mr. and -Mrs. Horkheimer, all because a few years ago the Horkheimer retinue of -directors and players, in pursuing film art at the Balboa Studios at -Long Beach, cavorted too fast and furious to suit the simple minded and -puritanical Iowans, and Iowa sniffed long and loud and shrugged shoulders -when the Horkheimer Company withdrew from that scene of piety. - -Ho, hum! - - * * * * * - -Apropos of the recent reports of a Geraldine Farrar and Lou Tellegen -matrimonial “tangle,” Whiz Bang’s astute investigators have heard some -interesting gossip among the imported French actors of Hollywood’s colony. - -They report a story, which went the rounds in Paris just before Mr. -Tellegen’s marriage to the great prima donna, to the effect that Lou was -much infatuated at one time with an actress of the French capital, but -that this “Love” was then on the struggling rung of the ladder of fame -and with her name yet to make. - -Of late our Frenchie friends are saying this actress has attained -fame and fortune in Paris, which brings up the speculation as to the -possibilities of Lou’s wayward thoughts returning to the scene of early -days. Then again all this talk may be plain bull of the press agent -variety to advertise Tellegen’s new play “Don Juan,” which soon will open -in New York. - -After the failure of Lou’s play, “Blind Youth,” on the stage to startle -the public, he announced his intentions of devoting talents to the -cinema art. Subsequently he played and directed at the Lasky and Goldwyn -lots, but the Pickfords and Chaplins continued to hold a monopoly on the -“silent applause.” Now Lou is returning to his former art before the -footlights, and we wish him much luck. Lou is a good actor as everybody -knows, but we can’t all be on top, as our friend Owen Moore might remark. - -Everyone who has had any close association with the premier song bird, -Geraldine, loves her. When she lived in Hollywood her sweet strains were -heard as early as five and six o’clock in the morning. Often she was up -at daybreak to practice for a concert tour. Frequently she arrived at -the studio before eight o’clock and played all day and in the evening -entertained friends with opera selections. In spite of the very busy life -she led, Mrs. Tellegen (Geraldine Farrar) always was good natured and -radiant with enthusiasm, and she has been placed among America’s most -remarkable women. Geraldine has never been known to “high-tone” studio -menials, and it is said that Geraldine is of a forgiving nature for any -flirting by Lou when they are apart, but that she insisted on Tellegen -keeping to the home fireside when they were lucky enough to be in the -same city. There is much speculation as to the final outcome of the -Tellegen and Farrar ventures. - - * * * * * - -The Agony Column - -(From London Winning Post.) - -_Author, command of scathing English, would write memoirs for any Lady or -Gentleman in society wishing to pay off old scores._ - - * * * * * - -The old-fashioned mother who used to be a clinging vine now has a -daughter who has no more clinging qualities than a sapling. - - * * * * * - -Truth at Last - -During the week of the Fair there occurred an incident which is worth -recording. A big six-foot bully was shooting off his mouth in the rotunda -of a hotel, evidently having had a snifter or two, announcing that he -could lick anybody in sight. A quiet little man came from a seat in the -corner, and, walking straight up to the giant, called him a four-flusher. -The bully thereupon handed the little man a biff on the jaw, a smash -between the eyes and lifted him two feet off the floor with an uppercut. -The little man was carried upstairs and put to bed. - -(We apologize for the unhappy ending of this story, realizing that it -should have been the other way about. But truth must prevail in these -columns at all costs.)—Bob Edwards’ Book. - - * * * * * - -This Ain’t So Good - -“Wait a minute, lady,” said the garage attendant. “You owe us a dollar -and a half—your battery was fixed. Pay me please.” - -“Indeed,” snorted the fair driver, “my husband told me to have it -charged!” - - * * * * * - -“The doctor says you may have a little whisky. He says the dose will be—” - -“Never mind what he says. I know all about the dose.” - - - - -Limber Kicks - - -Revamped Neckery - - The other night I met a girl, - She was dressed without a speck; - A clean white dress and nice white shoes— - But, oh, my Gosh, her neck! - - * * * * * - -Cheer Up! - - It’s the songs you sing, - And the smiles you wear, - That’s making the sunshine - Everywhere. - - * * * * * - -“Hurry Now!” - - _The tempting curve of your full, sweet lip,_ - _Shows you full ripe, and well should you be tasted,_ - _Make use of time, let not advantage slip;_ - _Beauty within itself should not be wasted:_ - _Fair flowers that are not gathered in their prime,_ - _Rot and consume themselves in little time._ - - * * * * * - -The Best Firm - -By Sherwood. - - A pretty good firm is Watch & Waite, - And another is Attit, Early & Layte; - And still another is Doo & Dairet; - But the best is probably Grin & Barrett. - - - - -Sporty New Orleans - -BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL - -Pastor of People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -If you want to take a course of study in the liberal sciences of gayety -and godlessness, go to New Orleans, the Crescent City of climate, Creole, -carnival, cotton, conventions, cane-sugar, cafes and cemeteries. Though -there are more than thirty grave-yards, it is not a dead town. I found -week-day races and prize fights on Sunday, as well as other religious -services. It has been called the great winter resort of the United -States, and there are enough “resorts” by day and night for all the good -and bad who care to patronize them. - -Pleasure is the big word in the dictionary of New Orleans life. Her -morals, as well as her markets, are French. She is the commercial gateway -to the Panama Canal. Her citizens have improved the city sewage and water -supply, paved the streets, erected fine hotels and public buildings, and -enlarged her port facilities. If she mends her ways as much morally, -she will be a safe place for pious as well as political and carnival -celebrations. - -One night after I had taken in three dozen oysters and washed them -down with French drip coffee, I took in a night-court where people of -black skin were sentenced for cracking and breaking some of the laws; -a gambling-hell where money was stacked up and pulled down on the turn -of a card; a cafe and cabaret where the colored man was outshining his -white brother elsewhere; and then strolled through a shady district of -all shades of color and character. The denizens of the vice dens started -a street fight. They threw stones and shoes which I dodged, and hurled -hard, vile names which deeply impressed me. Girls, not cursed with -an incorruptible chastity, in tempting dishabille, tripped along the -street and ogled me. The doors of some of these places of contraband -amusement were wide open to welcome the visitor, while others were shut -and bore a placard with some such reassuring information that “MABEL -IS ENGAGED—CALL LATER.” During the war this Broadway to Baal, Avenue -to Avernus, Hell’s Highway, and Promenade to Perdition was temporarily -closed for moral repairs and sanitary improvements. Degradation slope -was graded, and a curb set up for evil-doers. But far be it from me to -injure the reputation of New Orleans for wantonness and frivolity. The -fact that these places were officially closed for a while need not deter -those who journey here today for these simple pleasures, and from easily -finding them. No war order can change the leopard spots of the city. The -Epicurean motto, “Let us eat, drink and be merry,” prevails according -to time-honored custom. I attended a theatre which offered a bill that -would not be tolerated in any other city of the United States. Jokes and -clothes were “pulled off” in a way to make the blase blush. - -The Crescent City is cosmopolitan and has all the races, but the most -flourishing is the horse-race. Betting was the main thing. The horses -were fast, but the women at the track were faster. A petite Parisian -petticoat invited me to take her out here every day to bet on the -races—but I thought I better not. During the Mardi Gras Waterloo’s -“revelry by night” was outdone. Streets were a riot of rogues and rampant -ribaldry a mad pageant of music, masks and merriment, a mob of men and -maidens. Whatever the parade seemed to be outside, it was plain the -Devil’s spirit was inside. If one is afflicted with naughty propensities, -this is a fine place to get rid of them. I attended a Bal Masque. The -manager lamented the passing of the good old times when drinks were -allowed to be sold and dancers got stewed, yet said his real estate -ventures in =_maisons de joie_= were flourishing. The dancers, jumping to -the accompaniment of the jazz, acted no more like dancers than the blare, -blow and crash of the jazz seemed like music. They jerked about like -automatons and marionettes, “hesitated” like victims of locomotor-ataxia, -hopped like grasshoppers, and moved with a stop, spring and shuffle, a -squirm, a swerve, a swirl, a slide and a slip. It was enough to make -Terpsichore sick. The players made hard work of it and the dancers should -have received good wages for such strenuous labor, for it was simply a -dance “haul.” - -In New Orleans, earthly gastronomy and not heavenly astronomy is the -science most studied in its “courses.” Many are the toothsome taverns in -this Lotus-eating town. I remember one time-eaten cafe where there was -a di-“stink”-tive garlic atmosphere, and where the soup was seasoned by -falling plaster. Over the tattered table-cloth, evidently changed for -every hundredth guest, French drip coffee had dripped. Antique china and -silver service had served their day and long since should have decorated -the windows of a curio shop. It was old with cracks, nicks and dents. -What jokes were cracked over them? What sweet stories had the ears of the -sugar-bowl listened to? With what wide astonishment had the mouth of the -pitcher gasped at off-color stories? What hands had caressed the neck -of vinegar and oil bottle? What cutting remarks and thrusts the knives -and forks suggested! What spooning of callow couples the spoons had -witnessed! The table was superannuated, shaky on its pins, and subject to -ague-fits, while the chairs had felt so many rounds of pleasure that they -were nearly all in with broken backs, twisted feet and elliptical legs. -The old lamps had looked down on eyes of beauty whose light had been -shut out by death, and the weather-stained walls echoed to steps that led -down to the grave. - -Passing through the French Market, with its dingy stalls, dogs, dirt, -cobwebs, spiders and poverty, I came to the old Absinthe House, the -refuge rendezvous of the picturesque Bordeaux blacksmith, pirate, -smuggler and slave-trader, Jean Lafitte, the bold, bad buccaneer who -loved beauty, booze, and blood, and had barrels of money to spend for -them. Standing at the little old marble bar, I drank a befitting toast to -his memory in absinthe. “Look not upon the absinthe when it is green,” -yet I tasted it here and in Paris, though never sufficiently to get the -full benefit of excitation, hallucination, terrifying dreams, delirium -and idiocy. I left these spirits to call on those of the Haunted House -nearby where of yore colored slaves were found mutilated, held in sharp, -spiked iron bands, and chained to the wall. - -The old time Southerners are gone. They did not have five-reel -thriller movies, horse races, prize fights and carnivals, but they -did have some innocent pastimes with which their simple natures were -satisfied—pleasures that beguiled the worn and weary hours. Public -executions and hangings were quite the rage then; pirates were hung on -the square for decoration; the heads of negroes were stuck on spikes -at the city gates. At the Calabozo there were whipping posts and hot -irons with which the fleur de lis was burned on culprit’s breaking some -of the laws; a gambling-hell where money was staked up and pulled down -shoulders. The only hangings I saw were of idlers hanging around the -corners. Then the old Plaza was the center of social and commercial life, -military fete and the fate of criminals who were shot, nailed alive in -their coffins, or slowly sawed in half. The attractions were sometimes -varied by hanging women on the gallows and breaking men on the wheel. - -In those days there were no Sunday jazz bands or vaudeville circuits, -but in Congo Square in the open air there were dancing carnivals with -half-naked girls, and real Voodoo dancers at Ponchartrain, of the old -tom-tom fiddle and gourd drum variety, who danced themselves crazy and -fell into a frothy fit. - -What modern social balls can compare with the Indian balls where -saffron sirens with sweet look and voice led the dance through love’s -labyrinth of jealousy! Now there is horse racing and private and polite -gambling—then there was wide open faro and roulette, and later the -Louisiana lottery. - -Women did not possess the face and figure characteristic of modern New -Orleans belles, but there society was very select, in fact, they were -“selected” from hospitals and correction homes. Later there came a -shipment of “casket girls,” poor girls sent over from Paris by the King -as wives. They brought their trousseau in a chest of clothes. This seems -very primitive to us now, yet today men pick wives no better than these, -and some they choose do not wear clothes enough for a shroud in the -coffin. - -The city was once a sink or swamp filled with deported galley-slaves, -trappers, miners, gold hunters and soldiers whose profession was dice, -dueling and idleness. Today it is the big, busy, commercial city of the -South. Once there was fever, filth and filibusters, but these things -are no longer in fashion. New Orleans now buys white rice, cotton and -sugar—in early days she bought black slaves from San Domingo and Guinea. - -Charles Lamb liked old things—he would have enjoyed the old part of town -with its bizarre balconies, mountain-peaked roofs, hill-shaped sheds, -begrimed, battered stairways, open flowery courts, shady portieres, -quaint doorways, and ramshackle, rickety rows of houses marshalled on -both sides of the streets like awkward squads of soldiers. In the quiet -streets one looks in doorways where the inhabitants, listless lazy -lovers of pleasure, are dozing away Life’s afternoon. Here you find the -beautiful and bewitching Creoles, coquettish damsels whose baby years -were cuddled and cradled in sentimental songs such as “I love you as a -little pig loves the mud.” - -The pleasure-seeker is “stuck” on New Orleans with its lasses, molasses, -lassitude and laissez-faire morals. - - * * * * * - -Thash Our Stashon - -The conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the -proper pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled -upon arrival at the station to hear the conductor yell, “You’re a liar, -you’re a liar.” Then from the brakeman at the other end comes the cry, -“You really are, you really are.” - - * * * * * - -Lawn Mower Missionaries - -In the South Sea Islands women are arrayed in grass aprons, but after -while the missionaries will invade their peaceful haunts and they won’t -wear much but the garb of civilization. - - * * * * * - -No Indian to Guide Her - -Following the example of Clara Hamon, Mrs. Stillman, of divorce fame, is -being offered a starring contract in the movies. How about a nice feature -film such as “No Indian to Guide Her?” - - * * * * * - -Why, of Course Not - -“Bullet Strikes Girl’s Knee Without Puncturing Skirt—Police Baffled,” -says a headline in the Philadelphia Record. The police are so -stupid!—Grand Rapids Press. - - - - -Whiz Bang Editorials - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -Tiajuana is a small town in Mexico just across the border from San Diego. -It is the Havana of the west coast. The other day a theatre had just -opened up to show the films of the Carpentier-Dempsey fight when the -building caught fire and burned film and all. It was a tough day for the -movies also in San Diego, for the “cops” at a nearby beach resort chose -the day for raiding a playhouse that was screening a South American film -called “Adam and Eve.” - -According to the police there was an undue exposure of the feminine -anatomy in the case of Eve. Mebbe so! We have not had the pleasure of -seeing this tid-bit. But, it must have been some exposure if it had -anything on the Aphrodite of the galleries and the halls of sculpture -that are accepted as the product of “Art” and held immune from the -incongruous draperies of Gothic prudery. - -On our bathing beaches, too, everything goes on and off, and more -than mere legs is visible to the naked eye unashamed. Why then, is -the feminine form divine the most indecent product of the Creator’s -handiwork? We have asked Gus and he says that all the girls of his -acquaintance are bow-legged. That lets Gus out of the symposium. Perhaps -some of the prude morality mongers can enlighten a poor, hard-working -farmer from Robbinsdale. - -Feminine modesty may be only shoe-high and roll-top stockings an -incitement to masculine pruriency—but, thank heaven, most of us are not -fashioned that way. The censorial Puritan may blush like an over-ripe -tomato at the complete revelation of the feminine knee-joint. - -However, no masculine connoisseur is going to do an emotional handspring -over such a trivial, especially when it is common observation that -three-quarters of the lower quarters, and other quarters that one sees -parading down Main street nowadays, are too fat or too skinny or too -gnarled to raise much of a ripple on a regular guy’s masculinity. - -Immodesty is a relative term and a silk stocking, properly stocked, is -not our idea of indecency. Therefore, we don’t incline to the grannies’ -view that the bare leg on stage or screen is immodest for the very reason -that the fat leg and the skinny leg and the bow-legged leg don’t get -there. Or, at least, they don’t stay there long. - - * * * * * - -Why does a man, having spent his years from the time of puberty to young -manhood in an orgy of flagrant living and self-indulgence, demand of the -honored girl whom he makes his wife that she be of virginal purity? And -why in the name of all that is civilized should he adhere to the idea -that no matter how degenerate he becomes, his wife should bring to him an -unimpeachable chastity? - -Our average young wife seeker, following the action of Diogenes, -conducts a vigilant search and after a time he finds the girl who is his -conception of the perfect feminine and marries this most fortunate young -lady. Then in the course of events he discovers or thinks he discovers -a shadow in his wife’s early career, a shadow occurring before he -illuminated with his presence the horizon of her life. - -In a great display of righteous indignation he rises upon his hind legs, -lays back his ears and in a loud voice fairly quivering with holy wrath -and outraged decency, he verbally and sometimes physically flays his wife. - -And then to secure balm for his wounded spirit he hies himself with all -possible haste to the divorce courts, where he assures the world that -he is a worthy young man of impeccable character; that he, a paragon of -virtue, has been tricked into a marriage with a creature of the streets -and that he is ineradicably besmirched. Is he not a member in high -standing of the Y.M.C.A. and the B.Y.P.U. and therefore blameless? - -After he has succeeded in establishing his claim to godliness through -the process of dragging his wife’s name through the mire of the courts -he feels the need of consolation; so cranking his trusty automobile, he -flivvers down some shady avenue, inviting passing flappers to share the -honor of his society and the pleasure of his car. - -Puritanically speaking, such a standard of morality was considered quite -the proper thing but Puritanism flourished during the sixteenth and -seventeenth centuries, which time incidentally, is far removed from the -present. - - * * * * * - -Far be it from us to harp too much on styles. We believe if a girl has -shapely limbs and a sparkling pair of eyes she has as much right to show -one as the other and as an anonymous writer in a Minneapolis newspaper -says, “There is no such thing as immodest dress—it is all in the mind.” - -Samuel Butler says: “Even Euclid had to assume something before he could -prove anything. Truly we live by faith.” Thus it can be said that it is -all in the mind. But I do submit that what a thing is to anyone, lies in -his reaction or response to it not in the thing itself. If in a painting, -a statue or a shapely pair of legs beneath a short skirt, one person -sees only the beauty, an esthetic reaction to grace, perfect proportion -or symmetry, while another “sees red.” Where lies the cause? The object -viewed is the same. Therefore, as someone so aptly put it, “it is all in -the eyes of the beholder.” - -If short skirts and low necks arouse sex instincts, why howl about it? -Rather be happy in the knowledge that one is normal, for the sex instinct -is a natural one. When sex desire stops, the physical manifestations of -life will cease. Those thoughts may require self-control, but since that -element is a necessary concomitant to civilized society, the exercise -of it will be beneficial. The trend of human progress, while almost -imperceptible, appears to be toward the ideal in human relations and away -from the cocoanut throwing hit-her-on-the-head-with-a-club status, and if -some men can’t withstand the sight of bare knees they are insufficiently -advanced in the scale of civilization. - -Which brings us to a quotation by Stevenson, that all reformers and -custodians of the neighbors’ morals would do well to heed. It is: -“There is an idea abroad among moral people that they should make their -neighbors good. One person I have to make good—myself. But my duty to my -neighbor is much more nearly expressed by saying that I have to make him -happy if I may.” Live and let live. - - - - -Smokehouse Poetry - -_The December Smokehouse Poetry section of the Whiz Bang will feature -“Ten Years On the Islands” by an anonymous writer, and the old -masterpiece “The Spirit of Mortal,” and don’t forget, folk, that the -Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, which is now on sale, -contains the greatest collection of lively poetry ever published in a -single book._ - - -Down In the Lehigh Valley - - Let me sit down a minute stranger, - I ain’t done a thing to you - You needn’t start your cussing, - A stone got in my shoe. - - Yes, I’m a tramp, what of it? - Some folks say we’re no good, - But a tramp has to live I reckon, - Though they say we never should. - - Once I was young and handsome, - Had plenty of cash and clothes, - But that was before I tripped, - And gin colored up my nose. - - It was down in Lehigh Valley - Me and my people grew - I was the village blacksmith - Yes, and a good one, too. - - Me and my daughter Nellie, - Nellie was just sixteen, - And she was the prettiest creature, - The valley had ever seen. - - Beaus she had a dozen, - They came from near and far. - But most of them were farmers, - And none of them suited her. - - Along came a stranger, - Young, handsome, straight and tall, - Damn him, I wish I had him, - Strangled against that wall. - - He was the man for Nellie, - Nellie knew no ill, - Her mother tried to tell her, - But you know how young girls will. - - Well, it’s the same old story, - Common enough you’ll say, - He was a smooth tongued devil, - And he got her to run away. - - It was less than a month later, - That we heard from the poor young thing; - He had gone away and left her, - Without a wedding ring. - - Back to our home we brought her, - Back to her mother’s side, - Filled with a raging fever, - She fell at our feet and died. - - Frantic with grief and trouble, - Her mother began to sink, - Dead in less than a fortnight, - That’s why I took to drink. - - Give me a drink bartender, - And I’ll be on my way, - I’ll tramp till I find that scoundrel, - If it takes till judgment day. - - * * * * * - -Who Wrote This Crazy Thing? - - _If you and I were caught in a raging wind,_ - _And our ship wrecked on a deserted land,_ - _I’d build you a hut on its furthest end,_ - _And treat you as if you were a man._ - - * * * * * - -Your Letter, Lady, Came Too Late - -_The following beautiful and touching lines were written during the Civil -War by an officer of the Confederate army, at the time a prisoner on -Johnson Island. A young Georgian, when the war broke out, was engaged to -be married to the most beautiful and brilliant belle of Savannah, but -died in captivity. While he lay dead, a letter came from this young lady -to her late lover. It was a cruel, cold, heartless letter, altogether -different in tone and in manner from any she ever had written to him. -She spoke of brilliant balls she had lately dealt with, unconcealed -rapture upon the innumerable perfections of a certain colonel of General -Wheeler’s staff—of his manly form, his exquisite dancing, his marvelous -conversational powers—closing with these chilling words: “Respectfully, -Virginia.” Hitherto she had ended her letters with: “Your own devoted and -faithful Virginia.” This letter was received at the prison a few hours -after the death of him to whom it was addressed, and replied to by his -comrade as follows:_ - - -By Colonel W. S. Hawkins - - Your letter, Lady, came too late, - For Heaven had claimed its own. - Ah, sudden change from prison bars, - Unto the great white throne. - And yet I think that he would have - To live his disdain. - Could he have read the careless words - Which you have sent in vain. - - So full of patience did he wait - Through many weary an hour. - That o’er his simple soldier face, - Not even death had power; - And you, did others whisper low, - Their homage in your ears. - And through their shadowy tongue, - His spirit had appeared. - - I would that you were by me now - To draw the sheets aside, - And to see how pure the look he wore, - The moment that he died. - That sorrow that you gave him - Has left its weary trace, - Ah, ’twas the shadow of the cross - Upon his pallid face. - - “Her love,” he said, “could change for me - The cold into the spring,” - Ah, trust the fickle maiden’s love - Thou art a bitter thing. - For when these valley’s bright, in May - Once more with blossoms wave, - The northern violets shall blow - Above his humble grave. - - Your dole of scanty words had been - One more pang to bear, - For who kissed until the last - Your tresses of golden hair? - I did not put it where he said - For when the angels come, - I would not let them find the sign - Of falsehood in the tomb. - - I see you better, and I know - The wiles that you have wrought, - To win that noble heart of his, - And gained it—cruel thought. - What lavish wealth some men sometimes give - For what is worthless all, - What manly bosoms beat for them - Is follies falsest thrall. - - You shall not pity him, for now - His sorrows have an end, - Yet, would that you could stand with me - Beside your fallen friend. - And I forgive you for his sake, - As he—if it be given— - May be even pleading grace for you - Before the Court of Heaven. - - Tonight the cold winds whistle by, - As I my vigil keep, - Within the death house of the prison, - Where few mourners come to weep; - A rude plank coffin hold his form, - Yet death exalts his face, - And I would rather see him thus, - Than clasped in your embrace. - - Tonight your home may shine with lights - And ring with merry songs, - And you be smiling as though your soul - Ha done no deathly wrong. - Your hands so fair, none would think - Had penned these words of pain, - Your skin so white, would God, your heart - Were half so free from stain. - - I’d rather be my comrade dead - Than you in life supreme; - For you’re the sinner’s walking dread - And in the Martyr’s dreams. - Whom serve we in this, we serve - In that which is to come, - He chose his way, you yours, let God - Pronounce the fighting done. - - * * * * * - -Bein’ Human - -By Bill Stinger. - - God made us human bein’s, but, often, we will find - That few are bein’ human if we scrutinize mankind— - There’s a lot of folks pretendin’ till their lives are out of joint, - With the things that bust the heartstrings, burn the soul, and - disappoint. - And, instead of bein’ natural, jist the way God meant ’em to, - They are losing all life’s rapture apin’ what the others do. - - Bein’ human is a practice that jist everlastin’ pays, - In peace, and love, and fellowship through all the livelong days. - Makes folks trust you for they sense it that your inner self is true, - So you’ll find ’em all a-feelin’ like confidin’ lots in you— - While it pays another’s virtues fur to try to emulate. - You’ll have to be your honest self if ever you are great. - - There’s no folly like the folly of the fool who tries to be, - Like some other feller’s pattern, in exact conformity— - Be yourself, there’s no way tellin’, mebbe it was in the plan, - Fur yourself to be the makin’ of superior kind of man. - Anyway there’s joy and laughter put in every feller’s lot, - If he’ll only quit pretendin’ he is sumpin he is not. - - * * * * * - -God’s Richest Blessing - - Backward, turn backward, Oh, time in your flight, - Give us a maiden with skirts not so tight - Give us a girl whose charms many or few, - Are not exposed by so much peek-a-boo. - Give us a maiden no matter what age, - Who won’t use the street for a vaudeville stage. - Give us a girl not so sharply in view, - Dress her in skirts that the sun won’t shine through. - Then give us the dances of days long gone by, - With plenty of clothes and steps not so high. - Take away turkey-trot, capers, and butter-milk glide - The hurdy-gurdy twist, and wiggle-tail slide. - Then let us feast our tired optics once more - On a genuine woman as sweet as of yore. - Yes time, please turn back and grant our request, - For God’s richest blessing, but not one undressed. - - * * * * * - -What Every Girl Thinks - - There’s a little bit of Devil in the swagger of your walk, - There’s a little bit of Devil in your sigh. - There’s a little bit of Devil in your senseless loving talk, - There’s a Devil in your laughing, teasing eye. - - There’s a little bit of angel in the way you love a girl, - With a reverence that Woman claims her due. - There’s a little bit of Angel in the way you would protect, - Love, and keep her and be tender, kind and true. - - Now this Being, Imp and Angel, is a puzzle, I’ll admit, - Guess the answer, Gentle Reader, if you can. - How this queer old combination makes you thrill with admiration, - When you find this Angel-Devil is a Man. - - * * * * * - -If - - If she didn’t have her hair bobbed, - If she didn’t daub with paint, - If she had her dresses made to reach - To where the dresses ain’t, - If she didn’t have that baby voice, - And spoke just as she should; - Don’t you think she’d be as popular? - I hardly think she would. - - - - -Naughty New York - - -Doug and Mary and Charley almost made Broadway forget to curse the -landlords. - -The wildest crowd I have seen in New York since Armistice Day was the -gang that jammed into Forty-second Street the day that Fairbanks’ movie, -“The Musketeers,” opened. Taxi cabs had to stop a block away and let the -passengers fight their way into the theatre if they could. - -I saw two girls shove Jack Dempsey out of the way to get a look at Doug -and his wife. They just dug their little elbows into the illustrious -ribs of the Champ, and rough housed him to one side out of their line of -vision. I guess the Fairbanks family can consider this to be about the -summit of human fame. I once saw a big crowd run away from a reception to -the President of the United States, leaving that august personage talking -to the empty air in order to see a heavy weight champion; but I never -imagined that anything could take a crowd away from a champ. Compared to -Doug and Mary as rival attractions, Dempsey was nothing but a broad back -that was difficult to see around. - -I’m telling you the truth, children. The day that Doug and Mary went to -Boston, the crowds lined the railroad track at every station as though it -were the Royal Mogul passing by. - -Charley Chaplin didn’t register very heavily—except in the newspapers. -The truth is painful, but must be told. Charles was lost in the shuffle. -It wasn’t “his stuff” as the newspaper men say. - -The night the show opened, Douglas, finding it hard to make a way through -the crowd, picked Mary Pickford up on his shoulder and bucked his way -through like a football half back. Charley couldn’t very well pick up -Jack Dempsey on his shoulder so he played second fiddle. - -I don’t know what’s the matter with Charley. His divorce suit must have -been a shattering experience. His hair is growing gray around the edges, -and his nerves seem on the raw edge. One day he was being interviewed by -a gang of reporters in his suite at his New York hotel, and nearly chewed -off the head of one of the newspaper men who asked him with what American -he compared Lenin, the Bolshevist. - -Without warning, Charles tore into the reporter and handed him a -cutting rebuke for his stupidity. He talked scornfully about “you -Americans”—which is poor stuff for Charley. - -To tell the truth, I thought he was going to cry. And I guess he wasn’t -far from it. Charley told me afterward that his nerves are in such a -condition that he weeps at the slightest excuse. - -He should have taken a lesson from his former bride, Mildred Harris. - -One of the actors told me about the weeps of the former Mrs. Chaplin. -Not long ago she was working in a picture under one of the De Milles. -Finding her exasperating, the director lost his temper and fairly lashed -her with his tongue. Through the tirade, Miss Harris calmly kept on -“making up.” While he was generally going over her sins of omission and -commission, she was carefully penciling her eyebrows, looking sidewise -into the mirror, the way they do. When he got down to purple-faced -bellows of rage, she was going over her lips with the lip stick. When he -was generally giving an explosive review of the ground he had already -covered, the lady was giving a final dab just over her eye lids. Having -given herself a final and critical survey in her pocket mirror and -finding the job was worthy of her O.K., she proceeded softly to cry -at the director’s remarks. She believes in taking up things in their -systematic and proper rotation. - -Chaplin speaks bitterly of his married life and at the same time glares -with melancholy rage and dismay at his first gray hairs. The first time -the newspaper photographers took his picture on his arrival in New York, -he asked them with alarmed solicitude to retouch the plates so his gray -hairs would not show. - -The movie people in New York feel somewhat dismayed because of Charley’s -interview with a British newspaper man regarding Fatty Arbuckle and the -killing of Virginia Rappe in San Francisco. - -The disposition of the movie actors on Broadway is to pile the guilt of -every movie scandal that has occurred since the beginning of time upon -Fatty’s robust shoulders and let him sink. - -I was amused, however, when “Pathe” Lehrmann rushed into the New York -papers after the killing and raved for a couple of columns upon the -deplorable condition of Fatty’s morals in relation to women. It seems -that “Pathe” was engaged to the deceased young lady. He is now Owen -Moore’s director at a studio in this city. - -Among the several things, that “Pathe” says about Fatty Arbuckle is -that Fatty used to clean spittoons in Arizona. “This,” remarks “Pathe” -witheringly, “Is what happens when we take people out of the gutter and -make them millionaires.” - -Well, maybe so; maybe so. But I have a distinct recollection of “Pathe” -Lehrmann before he got into the Rolls-Royce class. - -In an east side lodging house, Lehrmann is not so very convincing as the -one to stare coldly at Fatty across the cold chasm of class inferiority. - -As far as Fatty Arbuckle goes—Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well! He is -neither the frightful monster painted by the agitated Herr Lehrmann, nor -yet the “clear white inside” person described by the emotional ex-husband -of Miss Harris. - -Fatty is an ignorant fat boy with a natural impulse to be funny. As a -clown, he is there a million. As a millionaire, he is about as convincing -as a louse on the shoulders of a decollette heiress. He just doesn’t -belong there. - -As to the spittoons of the Arizona saloon, well, somebody had to clean -’em. I hope he cleaned them well. - -It was Fatty’s misfortune that he was not able to hush up his scandal as -the scandal of Zelda Crosby was hushed up recently in New York. - -Zelda Crosby was a young scenario writer. When she was about fifteen -years old she happened to be invited to a jazz party given by a well -known movie star in New York. One of the guests at the party was a -“fillum” magnate known over the world for his campaign for purity, etc., -in the films. - -He took the little girl under the protection of his influence. She -developed a flare for writing and he gave her an important job as a -scenario writer. - - * * * * * - -This row of stars means the usual thing that they mean in romances. - -Well, after a while, the girl, who was now in her twenties, realized that -he was slipping away from her. She accused him of having met another girl -for whom he cared more than for her. Incidentally, he was a married man, -but that didn’t count. - -The film magnate renewed his protestations to her; but began to find -fault with the quality of her scenario work. Then one day the little girl -went into the bath room and tipped up a bottle of poison and that was the -end. - -Well, not quite the end. A girl friend of hers began to talk at a party. -She began to tell some very dangerous things she knew of. It happened -that this girl’s name is the same as that of a great screen star. - -In a panic the film magnate heard what was said at the party. He hurried -off to the astonished star a telegram threatening openly to ruin her -entire screen career if she ever opened her mouth again about this -scandal. Her indignant reply disclosed to the magnate that he had sent a -telegram to the wrong girl by mistake. - -Then, brethren, there was truly a fine howdydo, and it all came out in -the papers—at least some of it did. - -One young man—a journalist hanging on the ragged edge of decency, stated -that he had some inside facts and intended to bring the whole thing out -in a grand jury investigation. But he never got to the grand jury and -the whole thing was suddenly hushed up. I leave it to you to imagine -what happened. - -It looks like a rotten year for the theatre business—and perhaps for -other business. - -At this writing there is not one legitimate show in New York doing any -business. “Six Cylinder Love,” a comedy about a family which buys an -automobile before they can really afford to do so, is supposed to be the -one big hit of New York and it has already been forced to take blocks -of its tickets over to the reduced rate ticket office to be sold at a -discount. - -Already, with the season hardly started, the beach is strewn with wrecks. -One month, after the opening of the season, some nineteen shows had gone -broke and had been taken off. - -To be honest about it, I think most of the nineteen richly deserved it. -For some unaccountable reason, nearly all the shows are infernally talky -this year. The curtain goes up on a pair of people who gabble at you over -the footlights until you have the blind staggers. When they—and you—are -groggy, another pair take up the talk fest. Nothing ever happens but -chatter. This is supposed to be the new “literal” and “realistic” school. - -The high brow authors contend that their characters gabble over nothing -for hours in real life; therefore, they should gabble by the hour about -nothing in mimic life. By the same token I dare say they will show them -putting hair lotion on their bald spots and trimming their corns and -performing the other manifest, but not thrilling or interesting, duties -of life. - -If we are going to be realistic, b’gosh let’s be really so. - -One of the few real successes of the theatre season is a coy and refined -young comedy for the pure and young; it is called “Finding Gertie’s -Garter.” - -Al Woods, the promoter thereof, cheerfully admits all the rough things -the papers and the preachers say about it. Al says that last year he -listened to the critics who spurred him on to do his duty toward art and -refinement. Result, he lost $75,000 on two high-brow plays. Hereafter, he -is for bedroom farces “first, last and alla time” as politicians say. - -Which brings us to Irving Berlin, the song writer who is just about to -blossom out as a producer with a beautiful theatre of his own. - -Irving began where Fatty Arbuckle did—or nearly there. He was a waiter -and song shouter in a tough cafe on the East Side. - -In Berlin’s case, however, he went steadfastly to work and began writing -songs. At first he sang his own songs in the cafe; then he got them -published. Now he is a millionaire and has the additional distinction of -being one of the men who were engaged to Constance Talmadge before she -was carried off by a fascinating Greek millionaire. - -In fact, Irving was the last of the jilted ones. He got his dismissal -from Connie down in Florida. When he came back nursing bruised and -broken love hopes some one asked him about the climate in Florida. - -“Fine air I hear, Irving?” said the friend. - -“Yes” said Irving, “And I got the air.” - - * * * * * - -Oh, Cholly! - -Gwendolyn—“This is my beau’s birthday, but I don’t know what present to -give him.” - -Susie—“Give him a book.” - -“But he already has a book.” - -“Give him a box of cigars.” - -“But he doesn’t smoke.” - -“Give him a case of Near Beer.” - -“But he doesn’t drink.” - -“Well, if that’s the sort of guy he is, you’d better send him a kimona.” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman’s Toast - - Whisky, you are me darlint’, - I love you both early and late, - You above all other liquors - I pledge me whole estate. - If I were as low as a beggar, - You’d make me as high as a king, - And whisky, when you’re in me tummy, - I rattle, I roar, and I sing. - - * * * * * - -Brigham Young would rejoice in present day styles. A bolt of gingham -would go almost around the family. - - * * * * * - -Embolusing the Thrombosis - -Question (to doctor on witness stand in murder case)—“Just tell the jury -what, in your opinion, caused the death of the late Mr. Scrapple.” - -Answer—“Well, when deceased laid down his full house with buoyancy of -spirit and was about to reach for the pot, the accused, Mr. Jopkins, -cried out, ‘Hold on! What’s the matter with them four treys?’ This -sudden cessation of undue elation on the part of the late Mr. Scrapple -created an anti-climax and caused the blood of the myocardium to go -galloping round and round the heart, thus supercharging the pulmonary -arteries until the renal, splenic and cerebral vessels went to pieces -and left the embolus lodging crosswise against the primary thrombosis. -Thus it is self-evident that the booze he had obviously been imbibing -became partially coagulated, forming an aneurism which brought about a -spiflication of the sine quo non. This would, I think, be sufficient to -cause death.” - -His Honor—“I think so, too.” - - * * * * * - -Good Evening, Bartender! - -Boyce—I was arrested last night for impersonating an officer. - -Royce—What did you do? - -Boyce—I knocked at a side door and drank the slug of hootch they handed -out. - - - - -Pasture Pot Pourri - - -Sniff, Sniff - -_The following poem was written originally on tissue paper with a wire -nail._ - - I was born about ten thousand years ago. - There isn’t a doggone thing that I don’t know. - I played “ring around the roses,” - With Peter, Paul, and Moses, - And I’ll choke the guy that says it isn’t so. - - I once saw Satan as he looked the garden o’er. - I saw Adam and Eve kicked out of the garden door. - Through the bushes I was peeking - At the apple they were eating, - And I’ll swear I was the guy who ate the core. - - Queen Elizabeth she fell in love with me. - We were married in Milwaukee secretly. - I tired of her and shook her - And went with General Hooker - To fight mosquitoes down in Tennessee. - - * * * * * - -Whuzzat? - -The Patagonian Pee Wee is now described as a small bird of the Andes -which stands on its head during severe storms and huddles under its feet. - - * * * * * - -_We are still looking for a mate to the gink who quit drinking coffee -because the spoon handle hit his eye._ - - * * * * * - - Such a busyness! - Such a blondeness! - Such a dizzyness! - Such a fondness! - Such a kissyness! - Wife’s on t’us! - Such a pretty mess! - - * * * * * - -In the Day’s News - -“The other day my mother sent me to the grocery store for a pound of -sugar. The grocer did not have any on hand, so I went out. When I got -on the icy sidewalk I slipped and fell, but I went home with some lumps -anyway.” - - * * * * * - -“_Waiter, bring me a cup of coffee the color of my girl’s neck._” - - * * * * * - -His Pathos Burning - -“You know, folks, what makes me so late in arriving at this party is that -my mother lost a lid off the kitchen range, and I had to sit on the stove -to keep the smoke in until she found the lid.” - - * * * * * - -Now, after the outburst of applause has subsided, we will sing a song -entitled, “Why the Corkscrew Has Lost Its Pull,” written by William -Jennings Bryan. - - * * * * * - -_Let us now sing another little song entitled, “Mother, Hang Out the -Service Flag; Father Has Gone to Work Again.”_ - - * * * * * - -“How long,” she blushingly inquired, “Must one beat a cow before she will -give whipped cream?” - - * * * * * - -Up to Date - -He—Where is your husband? - -She—He went back to his wife. - - * * * * * - -Height of Piety - -Out in San Francisco is a Scotch woman who is so religious that she will -not give the children medicine on Saturday night for fear it will work on -Sunday. - - * * * * * - -_Our idea of tough luck is to work for your board and then lose your -appetite._ - - * * * * * - -I asked her why she wore socks and she said they were not socks; that -they were stockings, and she had water on the knee which caused her -stockings to shrink. - -I suppose her bobbed hair was caused by water on the brain. - - * * * * * - -_Every young man believes in the advice “Begin at the Bottom” when -looking over the feminine parade down the street._ - - * * * * * - -My father was killed in a feud. - -I never would ride in one of those cheap cars. - - * * * * * - -Another suitor won her Hand, but I am trying to win her Back. - - * * * * * - -Lead Me to It! - -Advertisement on cover of movie magazine: Picture of Billie Burke Inside. -Who said beauty is only skin deep? - - * * * * * - -We Printed This Before - -_I want a good girl and I want her bad._ - - * * * * * - -Cut ’er Out, Dang!! - -The man in the restaurant next to me made so much noise drinking his -coffee that a deaf man in the front of the restaurant shouted “Run for -your lives, the dam has broken!” - - * * * * * - -_A dog can bury a bone and go to sleep knowing his “wife” won’t find it._ - -_But a man can’t get away with it, with a wife who goes through his -pockets._ - - * * * * * - -An Accommodating Judge - -(From the Creston Gazette.) - -The trial jurors called for the August term of the district court in -this county appeared this afternoon at 1:30 when court convened and were -dismissed by District Judge Evans until 9:00 A. M. tomorrow. - -Immediately after the dismissal of the jurors for the day the equity case -of Reid vs. Ternihan was taken up and at the time of this paper going to -press, was on trial before Judge Evans. - -A number of jurors called for service this term asked to be excused from -duty and some were excused. - -One juror, a man, asked to be excused. - -“What are your reasons for wishing to be excused?” asked Judge Evans. - -“I am needed at home,” the juror answered. - -“Who did you leave at home?” the judge asked. - -“My wife and—and—the hired man,” timidly replied the juror. - -He was excused until Thursday morning. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -Let Us Sing “Mother O’ Mine” - -(From Honolulu Advertiser.) - -Four sows with babies and 25 half-bredded Toggenberg goats. M. Fernandez, -Tenth Avenue, Palolo. - - * * * * * - -Joys of Waiters - -(From Honolulu Advertiser.) - -A working housekeeper is wanted to take charge of a small hotel and two -first-class waiters. Apply The Roselawn, 1366 S. King street. - - * * * * * - -Frisco’s Sanitary Corps - -(From the San Francisco Examiner.) - -Would like to communicate with a lady that wants to make money on a -sanitary article for women, ranging from 14 years to 45. I can not -handle, but will co-operate. For further particulars, write box 68898, -Examiner. - - * * * * * - -A Classified Special - -(From the Daily University Californian.) - -FOR RENT—One woman. Furnished room with sleeping porch; beautiful view. -Three blocks north of campus. 4695W. - - * * * * * - -Pedigreed Bull - -(From Denver News and Times.) - -Well marked pedigreed Boston terrier puppies, sired by Dinty Moore. 1364 -York St. - - * * * * * - -Going Out - -(An Advertisement.) - -WANTED: Man to run a soft drink parlor out of town. - - * * * * * - -How’re Everythings? - -A Boston youth is the hero of this account in the “Globe”: - -His parents were what is known as “high-brow,” but they also were good -sports. So, when he suggested taking them to a restaurant in the market -district of Boston, they agreed. - -The mother’s exquisite clothes stamped her as a society woman, but -democracy reigns supreme at the market restaurant. - -They sat down at the table. The waiter handed the mother a menu and then -leaned confidentially forward over the back of the chair and said: - -“Well, sister, what’s the good news?” - - * * * * * - -The Height of Sociability - -Virgil W. Church found a case containing 79 half pints of bonded whisky -on his farm near here. He notified the police.—Michigan City (Ind.) -Dispatch. - - * * * * * - -Tough Guys - -A couple of darkies argued on the street— - -“If yo go with dat gal, I’ll cut yo up in pieces so small a ant kin -swaller yo.” - -“If yo do I’ll hit yo so ha’d it will make a bump on yo haid so big that -when dey call the ambulance dey will put the bump inside and yo’all will -have to walk.” - - * * * * * - -Overheard in a Hospital - -A negress rolled her eyes heavenward and exclaimed: “Oh, Lawd if dis am a -sample ob married life, I’se glad I’se only engaged.” - - * * * * * - -Homeopathic Dose - -Jazzbo—Please, Mistah Bahbah, I’d like a nickel’s worth o’ hair tonic. - -Barber—What in the world do you want with a nickel’s worth for when it’s -selling for a dollar a pint? Want to restore the eyebrows on a flea? - -Jazzbo—Nossuh nossuh. Wanta fix mah watch. It’s got a speck o’ dandruff -in the hair spring. - - * * * * * - -Fleas Be Fleas - - If flies are flies, - Because they fly, - And fleas are fleas - Because they flee, - Then bees are bees - Because they be. - - * * * * * - -Quick, Doctor! - -An inquisitive maiden lady, touring Yellowstone Park came to the boiling -lake. - -“Say, Mr. Guide, does this lake ever freeze?” - -“Oh, yes, it froze a thin coat of ice last winter and a young lady went -skating on it. She broke through the ice and scalded her foot.” - - * * * * * - -The Life of the Party - -_When Roscoe Arbuckle was star in “The Life of the Party,” the film -adapted from Irving Cobb’s Saturday Evening Post yarn, little did he -realize that he would play a similar role in real life. Poet Gordon tells -about it in these verses._ - -By R. C. Gordon. - - A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun, - Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton, - Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play; - His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day. - - He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends, - And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend? - Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went well - Until one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell. - - “Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,” - But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death. - She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind, - Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind. - - “They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said, - And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead. - Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray, - For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day. - - * * * * * - -A London Report - -Complaining at Tottenham of assault, a woman said this was the second -time the same man had assaulted her. - -“I took no notice when he kicked me the first time,” she said, “because -it was dark, and I took it to be my husband.” - -“Then I saw it was a stranger, and I screamed.” - - * * * * * - -“I hate to be a kicker, and generally stand for peace; but the wheel that -does the squeaking is the wheel that gets the grease.”—Kipling. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_I. Scream_=—You ask me to publish the story entitled “Heaven’s Above” -and I am herewith complying, poetical style: - - _I kissed the dimple in her chin,_ - _Her cheeks suffused with red;_ - _Reprovingly she looked at me,_ - _“Heaven’s above!” she said._ - -Maybe you don’t think that this is the true version, but it is the only -one we can think of at present. - - * * * * * - -=_Yucan Haver_=—Your friend, when he said you had eyes like a certain -star, probably referred to Ben Turpin’s. - - * * * * * - -=_Al A. Baster_=—Yes, it is very embarrassing for the young man who tries -to stop a lady’s nose-bleed by putting a bunch of cold keys down her -back, especially if it is at a fancy dress ball. - - * * * * * - -=_George_=—Good looks, money, a car, help along the male flirt—but the -only indispensable requisite is a chilled steel nerve. - - * * * * * - -Philosophy of the Modern Flapper - -By Jane Gaites. - -Tonight when you shall gather me in your strong loving arms and marvel -at the radiance of my eyes, the golden glamour of my hair, the velvety -softness of my pink cheeks, while you tell me you love me, I shall smile. - -And you will be content thinking that I smile because of love for you. -You will wonder at my naivete, at my simplicity, and innocence. You do -not know of my rows and rows of expensive jars that make me beautiful. -You do not guess that untold experience has made me “simple.” - -And when you draw me even closer to you and kiss me again, more -passionately, while you smile at my sweet demureness and simplicity, I -too will smile, because with all your vast knowledge of women—dear boy, -you are so simple! - - * * * * * - -_“This falls just a little below my expectations,” said the blushing -young thing to her dressmaker as she surveyed herself in the mirror. As -to what the blushing young thing meant by expectations, you can use your -own judgment._ - - * * * * * - -No, gentle reader, the bull durham outfit is not responsible for the -practice: “Roll Your Own.” - - * * * * * - -“The man I marry must have common sense,” she said. But the party broke -up when I remarked, “He won’t have.” - - * * * * * - -Oh Sprinkle Me With Dew! - - “I thank you for the Flowers you sent,” - She said. - I’m sorry for the words I spoke - Last Night. - Your sending me those flowers made all - Things right. - Will you forgive me? He forgave her. - - And as they kissed again beneath - The bowers, - He wondered who the deuce sent her - Those flowers. - - * * * * * - -The Modern Girl - -She told him: “There’s no fun in a graveyard; give me my flowers now.” - - * * * * * - -Printer’s Note - -Just as Ye Printer (get that Ye stuff) was finishing up slapping this -crazy stuff in the form we received the following telegram from the boss, -sent from Los Onglaze: “HAVE LEARNED THAT WHIZ BANG HAS THE LARGEST -CIRCULATION HERE OF ANY TWENTY-FIVE CENT MAGAZINE PUBLISHED ANYWHERE. I -AM LEAVING TOMORROW FOR TIAJUANA AND WILL VISIT MORE MOVIE STUDIOS HERE -NEXT WEEK. THEN I GO TO HONOLULU.” - -Well, by the time this reaches the readers, the boss will be running -around loose in the Paradise of hulas, volcanoes, beaches, painted fish -and sensuous climates. - - - - -_The Annual Is Out!_ - - -Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no -delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out— - - -PIN A DOLLAR BILL - - Or your check, money order or stamps - To the coupon on the opposite page. - -And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, -pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put -in print. - - -REMEMBER, FOLK - -Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 -book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and -not a copy could be bought =anywhere= in the United States within ten -days. - -So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! - -Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, -Robbinsdale, Minn. - -Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues. - -We haven’t any left. - - - - -_Our Winter Annual_ - - -In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal -contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, -stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, -contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the -Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will -be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest -collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list -are: - - Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The - Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl - in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice - to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy - LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim. - -Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which -they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with -your check, money order or stamps. - - * * * * * - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 - for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -27, November, 1921, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - -***** This file should be named 61864-0.txt or 61864-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/1/8/6/61864/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - |