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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ff9c3c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #61864 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/61864) diff --git a/old/61864-0.txt b/old/61864-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2fa99a3..0000000 --- a/old/61864-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2695 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 27, -November, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll -have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using -this ebook. - - - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 27, November, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: April 18, 2020 [EBook #61864] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - -Transcriber’s Note: If you’re following these issues in order, we jump -straight from No. 25 (October 1921) to this No. 27 (November 1921). -Subsequent issues continue the numbering from here. No. 26 doesn’t seem -to exist at all. - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 27, November, 1921 - - - - -STATEMENT OF THE OWNERSHIP, MANAGEMENT, CIRCULATION, ETC., REQUIRED BY -THE ACT OF CONGRESS OF AUGUST, 24, 1912. - -Of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, published monthly at Robbinsdale, -Minnesota, for October 1, 1921. - - -State of Minnesota, County of Hennepin—ss. - -Before me, a notary public in and for the state and county, aforesaid, -personally appeared Harvey Fawcett, who, having been duly sworn according -to law, deposes and says that he is the business manager of Captain -Billy’s Whiz Bang, and that the following is, to the best of his -knowledge and belief, a true statement of the ownership, management (and -if a daily paper, the circulation), etc., of the aforesaid publication -for the date shown in the above caption, required by the Act of August -24, 1912, embodied in Section 443, Postal Laws and Regulations, printed -on the reverse of this form, to-wit: - -1. That the names and addresses of the publisher, editor, managing -editor, and business managers are: Publisher, W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, -Minnesota; editor, W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; managing -editor, none; business manager, Harvey Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - -2. That the owners are: (Give names and addresses of individual owners, -or, if a corporation, give its name and the names and addresses of -stockholders owning or holding 1 per cent or more of the total amount -of stock.) W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; Claire Fawcett, -Robbinsdale, Minnesota; George D. Meyers, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; Robert. -P. Kirby, Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - -3. That the known bondholders, mortgagees, and other security holders -owning or holding 1 per cent or more of total amount of bonds, mortgages -or other securities are: (If there are none, so state.) None. - -4. That the two paragraphs next above, giving the names of the owners, -stockholders, and security holders, if any, contain not only the list -of stockholders and security holders as they appear upon the books of -the company but also, in cases where the stockholder or security holder -appear upon the books of the company as trusted or in any other fiduciary -relation, the name of the person or corporation for whom such trustee is -acting is given; also that the said two paragraphs contain statements -embracing affiant’s full knowledge and belief as to the circumstances -and conditions under which stockholders and security holders who do -not appear upon the books of the company as trustees, hold stock and -securities in a capacity other than that of a bona fide owner; and this -affiant has no reason to believe that any other person, association, or -corporation has any interest direct or indirect in the said stock, bonds, -other securities than as so stated by him. - -5. That the average number of copies of each issue of this publication -sold or distributed, through the mails or otherwise, to paid subscribers -during the six months preceding the date shown above is: (This -information is required from daily publications only.) - - (Signed) HARVEY FAWCETT. - -Sworn to and subscribed before me this 9th day of September 1921. - - EDITH M. KEEGAN, - Notary public, Hennepin county, Minnesota. - -My commission expires October 8, 1924. - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - NOVEMBER, 1921 Vol. III. No. 27 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1921 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - _Ye Editor is now touring these great and glorious United - States in quest of the Famed Pedigreed Bull, and in this issue - we are intending to give a wider variety as a result of our - visits to the East, South and the golden West._ - - _We had the pleasure of spending an afternoon at the New York - studio as a personal guest of D. W. Griffith, in addition - to peeping behind Broadway’s scenes, and at this writing we - are “courting Satan” in the domain of Fatty Arbuckle et al., - California’s movie camps._ - - _If we seem to carry too much gossip in this issue from - Hollywood and Los Angeles, please pardon us. We’ll be leaving - soon for the deer hunting grounds in Minnesota, but in the - meantime, of course, we will have to go to San Francisco, “The - City of Health, Wealth and Beauty,” for first-hand information - on Movieland’s latest and biggest sensation!_ - - -Well, Kind Readers, I woke up the other morning with a grouch and the -reason for it is just this: Gus, the hired man, jumped his job and I had -to do the morning chores myself. At that moment I could waft forth onto -the silvery air the sweetest scent you ever scented. To make matters all -the worse, one of the cows kicked over the milk pail when I was half -through the job. She also added insult to injury by swishing her mucky -old tail in my face. - -But to get back to Gus. Really, I don’t think he played exactly fair. -After he had enjoyed several aeroplane rides and a wonderful trip to New -York and Atlantic City, he became obsessed with the idea that the sun -rose and set in his face—that it was his bounden duty to hang up the moon -and take down the sun each evening. Really, Fellow Soaks, I couldn’t get -him even to feed the pet monkey which I gave him as a present for assumed -faithfulness. Previously I had a confidential talk with him regarding a -boat which was badly in need of a coat of white lead and tar. He became -quite haughty at the idea that I should expect him to act as Indian guide -and hired man at the same time, so he threw his hands in the air and -yelled: “I’m through.” And I guess he is through, for the last time I saw -him that morning he was spinning away to Minneapolis. - -Right at this point, I must get somewhat confidential. My opinion of -Gus is that he was lonesome for Robbinsdale—and its nearby suburb, -Minneapolis. Breezy Point at Pequot, Minnesota, is thoroughly dry on -account of its location in the Indian territory. When Gus is thirsty, -he’s good and thirsty and it is my honest belief that some day in the -future he’ll come back to the old homestead again. - -Well, Gus, if you ever read these lines, Good Luck to you and God bless -you—though I do feel like saying Gosh Darn you instead. - - * * * * * - -Every now and then it falls my lot to awaken with deep emotions of -remorse. When the harvest of a misspent night has been reaped and -garnered, the “morning after” invariably finds me with a sort of null -and void feeling. Here I am in the old red barn of the Whiz Bang farm -endeavoring to gather some fertile copy for the November issue. My poor, -fatigued brain refuses to move to action. It is quite comparable to the -brain of a univalve mollusk. I can find but one palliative for my purely -personal woes and that is the twentieth amendment. - -Oh, for the days of Omar Khayyam. His immortal Rubaiyat is a masterpiece -for the “rounder.” Had he lived in this modern generation a different -title would have graced his writings. We would probably be reading a -booklet entitled “The Philosophy of An Old Sport,” or probably that short -and sweet title, “Wine, Women and Song.” Whenever I feel like a fatuous -fathead, a certain degree of relief always can be gained in perusing -Omar’s bull. And so today, while I have a look of languor like a homesick -bum, I am repeating herewith some of his verses which may find an appeal -to “The old sport who sat in the grand stand chair.” Here they are: - - They say the Lion and the Lizard keep - The Courts where Jamshyd gloried and drank deep - And Braham, that great Hunter—the Wild Ass - Stamps o’er his Head, but cannot break his Sleep. - - For some we loved, the loveliest and the best - That from his Vintage rolling Time hath prest, - Have drunk their Cup a Round or two before, - And one by one crept silently to rest. - - You know, my Friends, with what a brave Carouse - I made a Second Marriage in my house; - Divorced old barren Reason from my Bed, - And took the Daughter of the Vine to Spouse. - - And lately, by the Tavern Door agape, - Came shining through the Dusk an Angel Shape - Bearing a Vessel on his Shoulder; and - He bid me taste of it; and ’twas—the Grape. - - Why, be this Juice the growth of God, who dare - Blaspheme the twisted tendril as a snare? - A Blessing, we should use it, should we not? - And if a Curse—why, then, Who set it there? - - =YESTERDAY= this Day’s Madness did prepare; - =TOMORROW’S= Silence, Triumph, or Despair: - Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why: - Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where. - - Whereat some one of the loquacious Lot— - I think a Sufi pipkin—waxing hot— - “All this of Pot and Potter—Tell me, then, - “Who is the Potter, pray, and who the Pot?” - - “Why,” said another, “Some there are who tell - “Of one who threatens he will toss to Hell - “The luckless Pots he marr’d in making—Pish! - “He’s a Good Fellow, and ’twill all be well.” - - Ah, with the Grape my fading life provide, - And wash the Body whence the life has died, - And lay me, shrouded in the living Leaf, - By some not unfrequented Garden-side. - - =Ah Love! could you and I with Him conspire= - =To grasp this sorry Scheme of Things entire,= - =Would we not shatter it to bits—and then= - =Re-mould it nearer to the Heart’s Desire!= - - And when like her, or Saki, you shall pass - Among the Guests Star-scattered on the Grass, - And in your joyous errand reach the spot - Where I made One—turn down an empty Glass! - - * * * * * - -“It won’t be long now,” insisted my new Jewish farm hand, Ikey, as he -grabbed the axe this morning to cut the daily supply of wood. - - * * * * * - -We surely are getting lots of tourists in Minnesota this year. Just at -the close of the hunting season we saw a pennant on the back of a Ford of -the vintage of 1904 or 1905 which read “Clymer, Pa.” - - * * * * * - -Fishing season was brought to an eventful close at my summer resort, -Breezy Point Lodge, in the Indian country of Northern Minnesota this -month and now all we have to do is sit around all winter and recount -experiences with the hook and line. - -The day the season closed four of us boarded a raft and put out into Big -Pelican Lake for a day’s angling. I had a very strong line and towards -the close of the day was rewarded with a big bite from a Great Northern -pike. The pike nearly ran away with the line, but the four of us held on -and Mr. Fish pulled us almost to shore. When we reached shallow water we -grabbed the line and made a half hitch around a tree while one of the -party pumped the fish full of shotgun pellets. It was then we discovered -that the fish had swallowed a young fawn and that the fawn, after being -swallowed, kicked its legs through the belly of the fish, and thus the -fish, when it reached shallow water, had been able to walk almost to -shore. What was that you said? Yes, sure, make it Bourb’n! - - * * * * * - -This is a plea for fair play. Fatty Arbuckle at this writing hasn’t been -convicted of any crime. Testimony by one of the prosecuting witnesses is -claimed by the defense as showing Miss Rappe voluntarily entering what -later proved to be her death chamber. We are not taking that as evidence -to remove guilt or do we claim that it excuses Fatty for his alleged -actions. - -The “exposure” of Fatty’s past actions by daily newspapers ought not -to be news to regular Whiz Bang readers. For more than a year we -have “kidded” Fatty, in our “movie pages,” for his famous “pajama -parties,” and dedicated the cover of our August, 1920, issue to Fatty’s -“heart-breaking” playfulness in Hollywood. - -A recent report to the Whiz Bang was to the effect that Mr. Arbuckle -bought the Randolph Miner home on West Adams Street, Los Angeles, because -it was supposed to hold a thirty thousand dollar cellar. - - * * * * * - -We are reminded, by an enthusiastic reader, of the old story of the man -who walked into a Halstead Street saloon in Chicago and ordered Sherry -and Egg. - -“Bartender, if your Sherry was as old as your egg and your egg was as -young as your Sherry, this would be a dang good drink.” - - * * * * * - -Deacon Miller, my long-haired neighbor, doesn’t approve of the aeroplane -which I purchased recently any more than he does of my Whiz Bang. When -our hired man told the Deacon about my purchase of the plane, old Miller -grunted and snorted and said he wouldn’t own any fool thing that would -fly and not lay any eggs. - - * * * * * - -We have it from the Seattle Post Intelligencer that the Justamere farm at -Mount Vernon, Washington, is the home of Colony Zarilda Cornucopia, the -only 33,000-pound pedigreed bull in the state. I’d hate to be the hired -man that had to throw this bull every day. - - * * * * * - -My, my, my, what an agitation we have started over the definition of a -“Whiffenpoof.” A Kansas reader avers that everybody is wrong so far; that -a “Whiffenpoof” is a bird that eats red pepper and has to fly backwards -to keep his tail from catching on fire. - - * * * * * - -Some young men seem to imagine that they are following the fashions when -they are on the trail of a pretty girl. - - * * * * * - -My new hired man, Pete, hangs around the hog pen so much that he -apparently has learned most of his manners from the animals. The other -night we went to supper at neighbor Nelson’s place and our hired man -tried to make a hit with Tillie, old man Nelson’s daughter. A few days -later I asked Tillie how she liked Pete. - -“Oh,” she exclaimed, “At supper he acted like a pig and after supper he -was such a bore.” - -So I guess that ends Pete’s love affair so far as Tillie is concerned. - - * * * * * - -Well, boys, in conclusion I wish to cheer you up with the consolation -that the Bible gives to the thirsty: “Blessed are the poor in spirit.” - - * * * * * - -Those Inquisitive Aussies - -An Australian editor tells this story— - -An old lady, at the conclusion of the war, was paying a visit to Madame -Jarley’s Wax Works. Carefully sizing up a group of figures representing -various ancient queens, including Queen Elizabeth and Mary Queen of -Scots, she asked an attendant if they wore any underwear under this -gorgeous raiment. The attendant replied: - -“No, ma’am, they don’t wear any, but the public of course thinks they -do. The only visitors we’ve ’ad as knows they don’t are some Australian -soldiers.” - - * * * * * - -Hot Tamales - -Two jolly traveling men viewed with unmingled pleasure the charms of a -beautiful maiden who sat opposite them in the palatial Twentieth Century -Limited. To their surprise and further happiness, the fair charmer -suddenly removed her stockings, turned them inside out and replaced them, -being careful to roll them stylishly to half-hose length. The drummers -were quite worried as to why she went through this performance. Finally -one of them screwed up courage enough to ask her point blank. Here’s her -pert reply: - -“Oh, my legs were hot and I just turned the hose on them.” - - * * * * * - -An Eye Opener - -She was sweet seventeen and just emancipated from the thraldom of school, -but already she had her “best boy,” who on some special occasion gave her -a gold watch. - -Some days later he inquired if she had told her friends of his little -gift. - -“Oh, yes,” she said “all of them.” - -“Did you say who gave it to you?” - -“Of course not,” replied the artless maiden. “We always gave one kiss for -each chocolate at school. But for a gold watch! Well, I thought it best -to say mamma gave it to me.” - - * * * * * - -Oh, scissors, let’s cut up. - - * * * * * - -Heard On the Toonerville - -It was pitch dark along the road and had anybody been listening in the -shrubbery they would have heard the voice of a woman remonstrating with a -man. “I won’t,” exclaimed the woman, “I think you are a brute.” - -“You’ll either do what I say or get out and walk home,” roared the deep -voice of the man. - -“All right, I’ll walk,” said the woman, “but wait till I tell my husband. -I paid my fare and you rang it up just before we left the city limits,” -and she indignantly left the street car. - - * * * * * - -Ring On, Oh Bells - -Bright’s wife prided herself on being resourceful and after waiting in -another room while her husband talked for half an hour with a gentleman -in the parlor she turned the alarm clock so it rang a second and then -called, “John, you are wanted on the phone.” The caller said good-bye and -John came back to his wife with an amused smile. “Well, that’s one way to -get rid of them,” said friend wife. “What did he want?” “Oh, nothing,” -replied her husband, “he was just a solicitor trying to get me to have a -telephone put in.” - - * * * * * - -For Freedom - -Convict—“I’m here for having five wives.” - -Visitor—“How are you enjoying your liberty?” - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Where can I find a man like Fatty -Arbuckle?—=_Marie De Wildmen._= - -We have referred your inquiry to Pedro. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What makes the wild cat wild?—=_Larry Cranker._= - -Turpentine. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a “soubrette?”—=_Ivegon Buggs._= - -A singer that gets $50 a week and sends $100 home to mother. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Bill_=—How long does the three-foot kiss in the movies -last?—=_Oscar Latory._= - -Long enough to warp the hands on an asbestos alarm clock. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—If you were a cowpuncher alone in a big city and without -a pony, saddle, or lariat, and desired to corral a calf, what would you -do?—=_Scare D. Catt._= - -“Getting Gertie’s Garter” is one of the biggest hits of the season. - - * * * * * - -=_Captain Billy_=—Why is it that the motion picture producers must give -their picture such blatant title as “Once to Every Woman,” “Why Change -Your Wife?”, etc. Stage plays don’t have to have “alluring” names to be -successful.—=_Legit._= - -Quite right, Legit. The “movies” ought to tone down their titles so as to -make them drab and commonplace and on a par with such stage successes, -as “Mary’s Ankle,” “Up in Mabel’s Room,” “Twin Beds,” and the recent -Broadway hit, “Getting Gertie’s Garter.” The last must have been some job. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a golf hazard and what does ex-President -Taft playing golf remind you of?—=_Loon Attic._= - -A golf hazard is getting stung by a bee in a rough. Don’t know what Taft -playing golf reminds of unless it’s a hippopotamus playing tiddlywinks. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Billy_=—What is the best way to tell a gentleman?—=_Root T. Toot._= - -The best way is to watch how he wears his evening clothes—or pajamas. The -first is preferable for single folk. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—What is meant by the stuff dreams are made of?—=_Near Beer._= - -Paint, powder, padding and false hair. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Fawcett_=—Can you give me a recipe for a dish known as -Strawberry Surprise?—=_Miss Conny Sewer._= - -Pick the bones out of a quart of strawberries. Add two pounds of borrowed -sugar. Throw in a quart of oyster shells and three raisins. If it is good -that’s the surprise. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Bill_=—What are the best furs for summer wear?—=_Parry Moore._= - -Deerskin, bearskin and moleskin probably would suit your tastes. Moleskin -is very popular nowadays. No matter where the mole is the skin can be -worn to show it. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—Which animal is the better fighter—dog or badger?—=_B. D. -Chamber._= - -It depends on how strong the badger is. In the usual badger fight, too, -much depends on the proficiency shown in the art of releasing the badger. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Whiz Bang_=—What bird is known as the bird of peace?—=_Passy -Fist._= - -The chicken. - - * * * * * - -=_Captain Breezy Bill_=—Kindly give me your Whiz Bang definition of the -phrase “Matrimonial Progress.”—=_Whipper Will._= - -Adhering strictly to Queens-Gooseberry rules, I cheerfully submit the -following: “Maid One; Maid Won; Made One.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Billy_=—Where do women’s styles start?—=_Miss Wobb L. Walke._= - -Styles start in Paris but we finish ’em here. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Whiz Bang_=—Can you tell me if it is true that some animals use -their tails as signals?—=_Dr. Walloper._= - -Yes, indeed—here in Robbinsdale and elsewhere. The South American puma -is said to agitate its tail-tip to entice grazing, curious creatures. -The white underneath part of several varieties of deer are said to be -used as a guide for other members of the herd. The horse uses his tail -as a sun shade for the driver. Probably there are other animals that use -their tails, but as we have never taken our post-graduate degree in tail -technology, this meager answer will have to suffice for the present. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Would you please define “Platonic Love?”—=_Plute -O. Fizz._= - -“Platonic Love” means that you can kiss her all you want and forget she -is a woman. But there ain’t no such animal. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Is it true that Fatty Arbuckle is to plead -“insanity”?—=_Aunty I. Over._= - -We wouldn’t be surprised. Fatty has been acting rather funny for several -months. - - - - -_Movie Hot Stuff_ - - -We wonder how Mary Miles Minter likes the idea of the battleship “New -Mexico” being sent up to Puget Sound Navy Yard to have her bottom -scraped. It is said the “New Mexico” carried away a handsome young -officer “in the middle of a reel.” - - * * * * * - -Dorothy Dalton has been seen dancing often of late at the Ambassador -Hotel in Los Angeles with her millionaire “angel,” Godsell, of the -Goldwyn Film Company. - - * * * * * - -Bebe Daniels and Jack Dempsey, the pugilist, as the press agents of the -film companies may have told you, have been seen chattering in the jungle -at the Ambassador Cocoanut Grove. - - * * * * * - -Wanda Hawley has been vacationing at Catalina. Her hair has lately been -bobbed and has lost its former brownishness, for it is now corn-tassel -white. Wanda occupied a table in the center of the huge dining room of -the St. Catherine Hotel and often dined with a tanned, slender, and -quiet young man. Star and escort looked decidedly bored. - - * * * * * - -Thompson Buchanan, Lasky scenario chieftain, is encouraging Helene -Chadwick in her film career. - - * * * * * - -Kathleen Clifford, clad in sports clothes and sandals, steps nights with -a handsome dark stranger. - - * * * * * - -Herbert Rawlinson, with a couple of minor actor friends in tow, spent -a month at Catalina. Roberta Arnold, Herbert’s wife, seemed to be -“somewhere on location” for she was not in those parts. The adoration of -some hundreds of grammar school girls seemed centered on handsome Herb -and his marvelous physique. - - * * * * * - -Marshall Neilan’s “all in a minute” scenario writer, Lucita Squire, is -still in the game. - - * * * * * - -We know nothing about the scenario business but it is reported from -the camps that Gouverneur Morris has discovered one of those “all in a -minute” scenario writers in Ruth Wightman, and that she is now adapting -his stories for the screen. - - * * * * * - -May McAvoy and Eddie Sutherland are stepping about together. - - * * * * * - -Clara Kimball Young is playing the navy. - - * * * * * - -The same day Charley Chaplin was being carried on the shoulders of his -admirers in London, that other world’s famous film comedian, “Fatty” -Arbuckle, was being shouldered along to jail by policemen for his -connection with the death of a motion picture actress in a San Francisco -hotel. - - * * * * * - -Jackie Saunders and Hubby Horkheimer haven’t been bathing at Long Beach -of late. Some of the Iowans who inhabit the “metropolis” become “Infant -terribles” when the name Horkheimer is mentioned. - -Many of them are putting up their noses and saying, “I told you so!” -Now, due to the publicity which centers around the mixup of Mr. and -Mrs. Horkheimer, all because a few years ago the Horkheimer retinue of -directors and players, in pursuing film art at the Balboa Studios at -Long Beach, cavorted too fast and furious to suit the simple minded and -puritanical Iowans, and Iowa sniffed long and loud and shrugged shoulders -when the Horkheimer Company withdrew from that scene of piety. - -Ho, hum! - - * * * * * - -Apropos of the recent reports of a Geraldine Farrar and Lou Tellegen -matrimonial “tangle,” Whiz Bang’s astute investigators have heard some -interesting gossip among the imported French actors of Hollywood’s colony. - -They report a story, which went the rounds in Paris just before Mr. -Tellegen’s marriage to the great prima donna, to the effect that Lou was -much infatuated at one time with an actress of the French capital, but -that this “Love” was then on the struggling rung of the ladder of fame -and with her name yet to make. - -Of late our Frenchie friends are saying this actress has attained -fame and fortune in Paris, which brings up the speculation as to the -possibilities of Lou’s wayward thoughts returning to the scene of early -days. Then again all this talk may be plain bull of the press agent -variety to advertise Tellegen’s new play “Don Juan,” which soon will open -in New York. - -After the failure of Lou’s play, “Blind Youth,” on the stage to startle -the public, he announced his intentions of devoting talents to the -cinema art. Subsequently he played and directed at the Lasky and Goldwyn -lots, but the Pickfords and Chaplins continued to hold a monopoly on the -“silent applause.” Now Lou is returning to his former art before the -footlights, and we wish him much luck. Lou is a good actor as everybody -knows, but we can’t all be on top, as our friend Owen Moore might remark. - -Everyone who has had any close association with the premier song bird, -Geraldine, loves her. When she lived in Hollywood her sweet strains were -heard as early as five and six o’clock in the morning. Often she was up -at daybreak to practice for a concert tour. Frequently she arrived at -the studio before eight o’clock and played all day and in the evening -entertained friends with opera selections. In spite of the very busy life -she led, Mrs. Tellegen (Geraldine Farrar) always was good natured and -radiant with enthusiasm, and she has been placed among America’s most -remarkable women. Geraldine has never been known to “high-tone” studio -menials, and it is said that Geraldine is of a forgiving nature for any -flirting by Lou when they are apart, but that she insisted on Tellegen -keeping to the home fireside when they were lucky enough to be in the -same city. There is much speculation as to the final outcome of the -Tellegen and Farrar ventures. - - * * * * * - -The Agony Column - -(From London Winning Post.) - -_Author, command of scathing English, would write memoirs for any Lady or -Gentleman in society wishing to pay off old scores._ - - * * * * * - -The old-fashioned mother who used to be a clinging vine now has a -daughter who has no more clinging qualities than a sapling. - - * * * * * - -Truth at Last - -During the week of the Fair there occurred an incident which is worth -recording. A big six-foot bully was shooting off his mouth in the rotunda -of a hotel, evidently having had a snifter or two, announcing that he -could lick anybody in sight. A quiet little man came from a seat in the -corner, and, walking straight up to the giant, called him a four-flusher. -The bully thereupon handed the little man a biff on the jaw, a smash -between the eyes and lifted him two feet off the floor with an uppercut. -The little man was carried upstairs and put to bed. - -(We apologize for the unhappy ending of this story, realizing that it -should have been the other way about. But truth must prevail in these -columns at all costs.)—Bob Edwards’ Book. - - * * * * * - -This Ain’t So Good - -“Wait a minute, lady,” said the garage attendant. “You owe us a dollar -and a half—your battery was fixed. Pay me please.” - -“Indeed,” snorted the fair driver, “my husband told me to have it -charged!” - - * * * * * - -“The doctor says you may have a little whisky. He says the dose will be—” - -“Never mind what he says. I know all about the dose.” - - - - -Limber Kicks - - -Revamped Neckery - - The other night I met a girl, - She was dressed without a speck; - A clean white dress and nice white shoes— - But, oh, my Gosh, her neck! - - * * * * * - -Cheer Up! - - It’s the songs you sing, - And the smiles you wear, - That’s making the sunshine - Everywhere. - - * * * * * - -“Hurry Now!” - - _The tempting curve of your full, sweet lip,_ - _Shows you full ripe, and well should you be tasted,_ - _Make use of time, let not advantage slip;_ - _Beauty within itself should not be wasted:_ - _Fair flowers that are not gathered in their prime,_ - _Rot and consume themselves in little time._ - - * * * * * - -The Best Firm - -By Sherwood. - - A pretty good firm is Watch & Waite, - And another is Attit, Early & Layte; - And still another is Doo & Dairet; - But the best is probably Grin & Barrett. - - - - -Sporty New Orleans - -BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL - -Pastor of People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -If you want to take a course of study in the liberal sciences of gayety -and godlessness, go to New Orleans, the Crescent City of climate, Creole, -carnival, cotton, conventions, cane-sugar, cafes and cemeteries. Though -there are more than thirty grave-yards, it is not a dead town. I found -week-day races and prize fights on Sunday, as well as other religious -services. It has been called the great winter resort of the United -States, and there are enough “resorts” by day and night for all the good -and bad who care to patronize them. - -Pleasure is the big word in the dictionary of New Orleans life. Her -morals, as well as her markets, are French. She is the commercial gateway -to the Panama Canal. Her citizens have improved the city sewage and water -supply, paved the streets, erected fine hotels and public buildings, and -enlarged her port facilities. If she mends her ways as much morally, -she will be a safe place for pious as well as political and carnival -celebrations. - -One night after I had taken in three dozen oysters and washed them -down with French drip coffee, I took in a night-court where people of -black skin were sentenced for cracking and breaking some of the laws; -a gambling-hell where money was stacked up and pulled down on the turn -of a card; a cafe and cabaret where the colored man was outshining his -white brother elsewhere; and then strolled through a shady district of -all shades of color and character. The denizens of the vice dens started -a street fight. They threw stones and shoes which I dodged, and hurled -hard, vile names which deeply impressed me. Girls, not cursed with -an incorruptible chastity, in tempting dishabille, tripped along the -street and ogled me. The doors of some of these places of contraband -amusement were wide open to welcome the visitor, while others were shut -and bore a placard with some such reassuring information that “MABEL -IS ENGAGED—CALL LATER.” During the war this Broadway to Baal, Avenue -to Avernus, Hell’s Highway, and Promenade to Perdition was temporarily -closed for moral repairs and sanitary improvements. Degradation slope -was graded, and a curb set up for evil-doers. But far be it from me to -injure the reputation of New Orleans for wantonness and frivolity. The -fact that these places were officially closed for a while need not deter -those who journey here today for these simple pleasures, and from easily -finding them. No war order can change the leopard spots of the city. The -Epicurean motto, “Let us eat, drink and be merry,” prevails according -to time-honored custom. I attended a theatre which offered a bill that -would not be tolerated in any other city of the United States. Jokes and -clothes were “pulled off” in a way to make the blase blush. - -The Crescent City is cosmopolitan and has all the races, but the most -flourishing is the horse-race. Betting was the main thing. The horses -were fast, but the women at the track were faster. A petite Parisian -petticoat invited me to take her out here every day to bet on the -races—but I thought I better not. During the Mardi Gras Waterloo’s -“revelry by night” was outdone. Streets were a riot of rogues and rampant -ribaldry a mad pageant of music, masks and merriment, a mob of men and -maidens. Whatever the parade seemed to be outside, it was plain the -Devil’s spirit was inside. If one is afflicted with naughty propensities, -this is a fine place to get rid of them. I attended a Bal Masque. The -manager lamented the passing of the good old times when drinks were -allowed to be sold and dancers got stewed, yet said his real estate -ventures in =_maisons de joie_= were flourishing. The dancers, jumping to -the accompaniment of the jazz, acted no more like dancers than the blare, -blow and crash of the jazz seemed like music. They jerked about like -automatons and marionettes, “hesitated” like victims of locomotor-ataxia, -hopped like grasshoppers, and moved with a stop, spring and shuffle, a -squirm, a swerve, a swirl, a slide and a slip. It was enough to make -Terpsichore sick. The players made hard work of it and the dancers should -have received good wages for such strenuous labor, for it was simply a -dance “haul.” - -In New Orleans, earthly gastronomy and not heavenly astronomy is the -science most studied in its “courses.” Many are the toothsome taverns in -this Lotus-eating town. I remember one time-eaten cafe where there was -a di-“stink”-tive garlic atmosphere, and where the soup was seasoned by -falling plaster. Over the tattered table-cloth, evidently changed for -every hundredth guest, French drip coffee had dripped. Antique china and -silver service had served their day and long since should have decorated -the windows of a curio shop. It was old with cracks, nicks and dents. -What jokes were cracked over them? What sweet stories had the ears of the -sugar-bowl listened to? With what wide astonishment had the mouth of the -pitcher gasped at off-color stories? What hands had caressed the neck -of vinegar and oil bottle? What cutting remarks and thrusts the knives -and forks suggested! What spooning of callow couples the spoons had -witnessed! The table was superannuated, shaky on its pins, and subject to -ague-fits, while the chairs had felt so many rounds of pleasure that they -were nearly all in with broken backs, twisted feet and elliptical legs. -The old lamps had looked down on eyes of beauty whose light had been -shut out by death, and the weather-stained walls echoed to steps that led -down to the grave. - -Passing through the French Market, with its dingy stalls, dogs, dirt, -cobwebs, spiders and poverty, I came to the old Absinthe House, the -refuge rendezvous of the picturesque Bordeaux blacksmith, pirate, -smuggler and slave-trader, Jean Lafitte, the bold, bad buccaneer who -loved beauty, booze, and blood, and had barrels of money to spend for -them. Standing at the little old marble bar, I drank a befitting toast to -his memory in absinthe. “Look not upon the absinthe when it is green,” -yet I tasted it here and in Paris, though never sufficiently to get the -full benefit of excitation, hallucination, terrifying dreams, delirium -and idiocy. I left these spirits to call on those of the Haunted House -nearby where of yore colored slaves were found mutilated, held in sharp, -spiked iron bands, and chained to the wall. - -The old time Southerners are gone. They did not have five-reel -thriller movies, horse races, prize fights and carnivals, but they -did have some innocent pastimes with which their simple natures were -satisfied—pleasures that beguiled the worn and weary hours. Public -executions and hangings were quite the rage then; pirates were hung on -the square for decoration; the heads of negroes were stuck on spikes -at the city gates. At the Calabozo there were whipping posts and hot -irons with which the fleur de lis was burned on culprit’s breaking some -of the laws; a gambling-hell where money was staked up and pulled down -shoulders. The only hangings I saw were of idlers hanging around the -corners. Then the old Plaza was the center of social and commercial life, -military fete and the fate of criminals who were shot, nailed alive in -their coffins, or slowly sawed in half. The attractions were sometimes -varied by hanging women on the gallows and breaking men on the wheel. - -In those days there were no Sunday jazz bands or vaudeville circuits, -but in Congo Square in the open air there were dancing carnivals with -half-naked girls, and real Voodoo dancers at Ponchartrain, of the old -tom-tom fiddle and gourd drum variety, who danced themselves crazy and -fell into a frothy fit. - -What modern social balls can compare with the Indian balls where -saffron sirens with sweet look and voice led the dance through love’s -labyrinth of jealousy! Now there is horse racing and private and polite -gambling—then there was wide open faro and roulette, and later the -Louisiana lottery. - -Women did not possess the face and figure characteristic of modern New -Orleans belles, but there society was very select, in fact, they were -“selected” from hospitals and correction homes. Later there came a -shipment of “casket girls,” poor girls sent over from Paris by the King -as wives. They brought their trousseau in a chest of clothes. This seems -very primitive to us now, yet today men pick wives no better than these, -and some they choose do not wear clothes enough for a shroud in the -coffin. - -The city was once a sink or swamp filled with deported galley-slaves, -trappers, miners, gold hunters and soldiers whose profession was dice, -dueling and idleness. Today it is the big, busy, commercial city of the -South. Once there was fever, filth and filibusters, but these things -are no longer in fashion. New Orleans now buys white rice, cotton and -sugar—in early days she bought black slaves from San Domingo and Guinea. - -Charles Lamb liked old things—he would have enjoyed the old part of town -with its bizarre balconies, mountain-peaked roofs, hill-shaped sheds, -begrimed, battered stairways, open flowery courts, shady portieres, -quaint doorways, and ramshackle, rickety rows of houses marshalled on -both sides of the streets like awkward squads of soldiers. In the quiet -streets one looks in doorways where the inhabitants, listless lazy -lovers of pleasure, are dozing away Life’s afternoon. Here you find the -beautiful and bewitching Creoles, coquettish damsels whose baby years -were cuddled and cradled in sentimental songs such as “I love you as a -little pig loves the mud.” - -The pleasure-seeker is “stuck” on New Orleans with its lasses, molasses, -lassitude and laissez-faire morals. - - * * * * * - -Thash Our Stashon - -The conductor and a brakeman on a Montana railroad differ as to the -proper pronunciation of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often startled -upon arrival at the station to hear the conductor yell, “You’re a liar, -you’re a liar.” Then from the brakeman at the other end comes the cry, -“You really are, you really are.” - - * * * * * - -Lawn Mower Missionaries - -In the South Sea Islands women are arrayed in grass aprons, but after -while the missionaries will invade their peaceful haunts and they won’t -wear much but the garb of civilization. - - * * * * * - -No Indian to Guide Her - -Following the example of Clara Hamon, Mrs. Stillman, of divorce fame, is -being offered a starring contract in the movies. How about a nice feature -film such as “No Indian to Guide Her?” - - * * * * * - -Why, of Course Not - -“Bullet Strikes Girl’s Knee Without Puncturing Skirt—Police Baffled,” -says a headline in the Philadelphia Record. The police are so -stupid!—Grand Rapids Press. - - - - -Whiz Bang Editorials - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -Tiajuana is a small town in Mexico just across the border from San Diego. -It is the Havana of the west coast. The other day a theatre had just -opened up to show the films of the Carpentier-Dempsey fight when the -building caught fire and burned film and all. It was a tough day for the -movies also in San Diego, for the “cops” at a nearby beach resort chose -the day for raiding a playhouse that was screening a South American film -called “Adam and Eve.” - -According to the police there was an undue exposure of the feminine -anatomy in the case of Eve. Mebbe so! We have not had the pleasure of -seeing this tid-bit. But, it must have been some exposure if it had -anything on the Aphrodite of the galleries and the halls of sculpture -that are accepted as the product of “Art” and held immune from the -incongruous draperies of Gothic prudery. - -On our bathing beaches, too, everything goes on and off, and more -than mere legs is visible to the naked eye unashamed. Why then, is -the feminine form divine the most indecent product of the Creator’s -handiwork? We have asked Gus and he says that all the girls of his -acquaintance are bow-legged. That lets Gus out of the symposium. Perhaps -some of the prude morality mongers can enlighten a poor, hard-working -farmer from Robbinsdale. - -Feminine modesty may be only shoe-high and roll-top stockings an -incitement to masculine pruriency—but, thank heaven, most of us are not -fashioned that way. The censorial Puritan may blush like an over-ripe -tomato at the complete revelation of the feminine knee-joint. - -However, no masculine connoisseur is going to do an emotional handspring -over such a trivial, especially when it is common observation that -three-quarters of the lower quarters, and other quarters that one sees -parading down Main street nowadays, are too fat or too skinny or too -gnarled to raise much of a ripple on a regular guy’s masculinity. - -Immodesty is a relative term and a silk stocking, properly stocked, is -not our idea of indecency. Therefore, we don’t incline to the grannies’ -view that the bare leg on stage or screen is immodest for the very reason -that the fat leg and the skinny leg and the bow-legged leg don’t get -there. Or, at least, they don’t stay there long. - - * * * * * - -Why does a man, having spent his years from the time of puberty to young -manhood in an orgy of flagrant living and self-indulgence, demand of the -honored girl whom he makes his wife that she be of virginal purity? And -why in the name of all that is civilized should he adhere to the idea -that no matter how degenerate he becomes, his wife should bring to him an -unimpeachable chastity? - -Our average young wife seeker, following the action of Diogenes, -conducts a vigilant search and after a time he finds the girl who is his -conception of the perfect feminine and marries this most fortunate young -lady. Then in the course of events he discovers or thinks he discovers -a shadow in his wife’s early career, a shadow occurring before he -illuminated with his presence the horizon of her life. - -In a great display of righteous indignation he rises upon his hind legs, -lays back his ears and in a loud voice fairly quivering with holy wrath -and outraged decency, he verbally and sometimes physically flays his wife. - -And then to secure balm for his wounded spirit he hies himself with all -possible haste to the divorce courts, where he assures the world that -he is a worthy young man of impeccable character; that he, a paragon of -virtue, has been tricked into a marriage with a creature of the streets -and that he is ineradicably besmirched. Is he not a member in high -standing of the Y.M.C.A. and the B.Y.P.U. and therefore blameless? - -After he has succeeded in establishing his claim to godliness through -the process of dragging his wife’s name through the mire of the courts -he feels the need of consolation; so cranking his trusty automobile, he -flivvers down some shady avenue, inviting passing flappers to share the -honor of his society and the pleasure of his car. - -Puritanically speaking, such a standard of morality was considered quite -the proper thing but Puritanism flourished during the sixteenth and -seventeenth centuries, which time incidentally, is far removed from the -present. - - * * * * * - -Far be it from us to harp too much on styles. We believe if a girl has -shapely limbs and a sparkling pair of eyes she has as much right to show -one as the other and as an anonymous writer in a Minneapolis newspaper -says, “There is no such thing as immodest dress—it is all in the mind.” - -Samuel Butler says: “Even Euclid had to assume something before he could -prove anything. Truly we live by faith.” Thus it can be said that it is -all in the mind. But I do submit that what a thing is to anyone, lies in -his reaction or response to it not in the thing itself. If in a painting, -a statue or a shapely pair of legs beneath a short skirt, one person -sees only the beauty, an esthetic reaction to grace, perfect proportion -or symmetry, while another “sees red.” Where lies the cause? The object -viewed is the same. Therefore, as someone so aptly put it, “it is all in -the eyes of the beholder.” - -If short skirts and low necks arouse sex instincts, why howl about it? -Rather be happy in the knowledge that one is normal, for the sex instinct -is a natural one. When sex desire stops, the physical manifestations of -life will cease. Those thoughts may require self-control, but since that -element is a necessary concomitant to civilized society, the exercise -of it will be beneficial. The trend of human progress, while almost -imperceptible, appears to be toward the ideal in human relations and away -from the cocoanut throwing hit-her-on-the-head-with-a-club status, and if -some men can’t withstand the sight of bare knees they are insufficiently -advanced in the scale of civilization. - -Which brings us to a quotation by Stevenson, that all reformers and -custodians of the neighbors’ morals would do well to heed. It is: -“There is an idea abroad among moral people that they should make their -neighbors good. One person I have to make good—myself. But my duty to my -neighbor is much more nearly expressed by saying that I have to make him -happy if I may.” Live and let live. - - - - -Smokehouse Poetry - -_The December Smokehouse Poetry section of the Whiz Bang will feature -“Ten Years On the Islands” by an anonymous writer, and the old -masterpiece “The Spirit of Mortal,” and don’t forget, folk, that the -Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, which is now on sale, -contains the greatest collection of lively poetry ever published in a -single book._ - - -Down In the Lehigh Valley - - Let me sit down a minute stranger, - I ain’t done a thing to you - You needn’t start your cussing, - A stone got in my shoe. - - Yes, I’m a tramp, what of it? - Some folks say we’re no good, - But a tramp has to live I reckon, - Though they say we never should. - - Once I was young and handsome, - Had plenty of cash and clothes, - But that was before I tripped, - And gin colored up my nose. - - It was down in Lehigh Valley - Me and my people grew - I was the village blacksmith - Yes, and a good one, too. - - Me and my daughter Nellie, - Nellie was just sixteen, - And she was the prettiest creature, - The valley had ever seen. - - Beaus she had a dozen, - They came from near and far. - But most of them were farmers, - And none of them suited her. - - Along came a stranger, - Young, handsome, straight and tall, - Damn him, I wish I had him, - Strangled against that wall. - - He was the man for Nellie, - Nellie knew no ill, - Her mother tried to tell her, - But you know how young girls will. - - Well, it’s the same old story, - Common enough you’ll say, - He was a smooth tongued devil, - And he got her to run away. - - It was less than a month later, - That we heard from the poor young thing; - He had gone away and left her, - Without a wedding ring. - - Back to our home we brought her, - Back to her mother’s side, - Filled with a raging fever, - She fell at our feet and died. - - Frantic with grief and trouble, - Her mother began to sink, - Dead in less than a fortnight, - That’s why I took to drink. - - Give me a drink bartender, - And I’ll be on my way, - I’ll tramp till I find that scoundrel, - If it takes till judgment day. - - * * * * * - -Who Wrote This Crazy Thing? - - _If you and I were caught in a raging wind,_ - _And our ship wrecked on a deserted land,_ - _I’d build you a hut on its furthest end,_ - _And treat you as if you were a man._ - - * * * * * - -Your Letter, Lady, Came Too Late - -_The following beautiful and touching lines were written during the Civil -War by an officer of the Confederate army, at the time a prisoner on -Johnson Island. A young Georgian, when the war broke out, was engaged to -be married to the most beautiful and brilliant belle of Savannah, but -died in captivity. While he lay dead, a letter came from this young lady -to her late lover. It was a cruel, cold, heartless letter, altogether -different in tone and in manner from any she ever had written to him. -She spoke of brilliant balls she had lately dealt with, unconcealed -rapture upon the innumerable perfections of a certain colonel of General -Wheeler’s staff—of his manly form, his exquisite dancing, his marvelous -conversational powers—closing with these chilling words: “Respectfully, -Virginia.” Hitherto she had ended her letters with: “Your own devoted and -faithful Virginia.” This letter was received at the prison a few hours -after the death of him to whom it was addressed, and replied to by his -comrade as follows:_ - - -By Colonel W. S. Hawkins - - Your letter, Lady, came too late, - For Heaven had claimed its own. - Ah, sudden change from prison bars, - Unto the great white throne. - And yet I think that he would have - To live his disdain. - Could he have read the careless words - Which you have sent in vain. - - So full of patience did he wait - Through many weary an hour. - That o’er his simple soldier face, - Not even death had power; - And you, did others whisper low, - Their homage in your ears. - And through their shadowy tongue, - His spirit had appeared. - - I would that you were by me now - To draw the sheets aside, - And to see how pure the look he wore, - The moment that he died. - That sorrow that you gave him - Has left its weary trace, - Ah, ’twas the shadow of the cross - Upon his pallid face. - - “Her love,” he said, “could change for me - The cold into the spring,” - Ah, trust the fickle maiden’s love - Thou art a bitter thing. - For when these valley’s bright, in May - Once more with blossoms wave, - The northern violets shall blow - Above his humble grave. - - Your dole of scanty words had been - One more pang to bear, - For who kissed until the last - Your tresses of golden hair? - I did not put it where he said - For when the angels come, - I would not let them find the sign - Of falsehood in the tomb. - - I see you better, and I know - The wiles that you have wrought, - To win that noble heart of his, - And gained it—cruel thought. - What lavish wealth some men sometimes give - For what is worthless all, - What manly bosoms beat for them - Is follies falsest thrall. - - You shall not pity him, for now - His sorrows have an end, - Yet, would that you could stand with me - Beside your fallen friend. - And I forgive you for his sake, - As he—if it be given— - May be even pleading grace for you - Before the Court of Heaven. - - Tonight the cold winds whistle by, - As I my vigil keep, - Within the death house of the prison, - Where few mourners come to weep; - A rude plank coffin hold his form, - Yet death exalts his face, - And I would rather see him thus, - Than clasped in your embrace. - - Tonight your home may shine with lights - And ring with merry songs, - And you be smiling as though your soul - Ha done no deathly wrong. - Your hands so fair, none would think - Had penned these words of pain, - Your skin so white, would God, your heart - Were half so free from stain. - - I’d rather be my comrade dead - Than you in life supreme; - For you’re the sinner’s walking dread - And in the Martyr’s dreams. - Whom serve we in this, we serve - In that which is to come, - He chose his way, you yours, let God - Pronounce the fighting done. - - * * * * * - -Bein’ Human - -By Bill Stinger. - - God made us human bein’s, but, often, we will find - That few are bein’ human if we scrutinize mankind— - There’s a lot of folks pretendin’ till their lives are out of joint, - With the things that bust the heartstrings, burn the soul, and - disappoint. - And, instead of bein’ natural, jist the way God meant ’em to, - They are losing all life’s rapture apin’ what the others do. - - Bein’ human is a practice that jist everlastin’ pays, - In peace, and love, and fellowship through all the livelong days. - Makes folks trust you for they sense it that your inner self is true, - So you’ll find ’em all a-feelin’ like confidin’ lots in you— - While it pays another’s virtues fur to try to emulate. - You’ll have to be your honest self if ever you are great. - - There’s no folly like the folly of the fool who tries to be, - Like some other feller’s pattern, in exact conformity— - Be yourself, there’s no way tellin’, mebbe it was in the plan, - Fur yourself to be the makin’ of superior kind of man. - Anyway there’s joy and laughter put in every feller’s lot, - If he’ll only quit pretendin’ he is sumpin he is not. - - * * * * * - -God’s Richest Blessing - - Backward, turn backward, Oh, time in your flight, - Give us a maiden with skirts not so tight - Give us a girl whose charms many or few, - Are not exposed by so much peek-a-boo. - Give us a maiden no matter what age, - Who won’t use the street for a vaudeville stage. - Give us a girl not so sharply in view, - Dress her in skirts that the sun won’t shine through. - Then give us the dances of days long gone by, - With plenty of clothes and steps not so high. - Take away turkey-trot, capers, and butter-milk glide - The hurdy-gurdy twist, and wiggle-tail slide. - Then let us feast our tired optics once more - On a genuine woman as sweet as of yore. - Yes time, please turn back and grant our request, - For God’s richest blessing, but not one undressed. - - * * * * * - -What Every Girl Thinks - - There’s a little bit of Devil in the swagger of your walk, - There’s a little bit of Devil in your sigh. - There’s a little bit of Devil in your senseless loving talk, - There’s a Devil in your laughing, teasing eye. - - There’s a little bit of angel in the way you love a girl, - With a reverence that Woman claims her due. - There’s a little bit of Angel in the way you would protect, - Love, and keep her and be tender, kind and true. - - Now this Being, Imp and Angel, is a puzzle, I’ll admit, - Guess the answer, Gentle Reader, if you can. - How this queer old combination makes you thrill with admiration, - When you find this Angel-Devil is a Man. - - * * * * * - -If - - If she didn’t have her hair bobbed, - If she didn’t daub with paint, - If she had her dresses made to reach - To where the dresses ain’t, - If she didn’t have that baby voice, - And spoke just as she should; - Don’t you think she’d be as popular? - I hardly think she would. - - - - -Naughty New York - - -Doug and Mary and Charley almost made Broadway forget to curse the -landlords. - -The wildest crowd I have seen in New York since Armistice Day was the -gang that jammed into Forty-second Street the day that Fairbanks’ movie, -“The Musketeers,” opened. Taxi cabs had to stop a block away and let the -passengers fight their way into the theatre if they could. - -I saw two girls shove Jack Dempsey out of the way to get a look at Doug -and his wife. They just dug their little elbows into the illustrious -ribs of the Champ, and rough housed him to one side out of their line of -vision. I guess the Fairbanks family can consider this to be about the -summit of human fame. I once saw a big crowd run away from a reception to -the President of the United States, leaving that august personage talking -to the empty air in order to see a heavy weight champion; but I never -imagined that anything could take a crowd away from a champ. Compared to -Doug and Mary as rival attractions, Dempsey was nothing but a broad back -that was difficult to see around. - -I’m telling you the truth, children. The day that Doug and Mary went to -Boston, the crowds lined the railroad track at every station as though it -were the Royal Mogul passing by. - -Charley Chaplin didn’t register very heavily—except in the newspapers. -The truth is painful, but must be told. Charles was lost in the shuffle. -It wasn’t “his stuff” as the newspaper men say. - -The night the show opened, Douglas, finding it hard to make a way through -the crowd, picked Mary Pickford up on his shoulder and bucked his way -through like a football half back. Charley couldn’t very well pick up -Jack Dempsey on his shoulder so he played second fiddle. - -I don’t know what’s the matter with Charley. His divorce suit must have -been a shattering experience. His hair is growing gray around the edges, -and his nerves seem on the raw edge. One day he was being interviewed by -a gang of reporters in his suite at his New York hotel, and nearly chewed -off the head of one of the newspaper men who asked him with what American -he compared Lenin, the Bolshevist. - -Without warning, Charles tore into the reporter and handed him a -cutting rebuke for his stupidity. He talked scornfully about “you -Americans”—which is poor stuff for Charley. - -To tell the truth, I thought he was going to cry. And I guess he wasn’t -far from it. Charley told me afterward that his nerves are in such a -condition that he weeps at the slightest excuse. - -He should have taken a lesson from his former bride, Mildred Harris. - -One of the actors told me about the weeps of the former Mrs. Chaplin. -Not long ago she was working in a picture under one of the De Milles. -Finding her exasperating, the director lost his temper and fairly lashed -her with his tongue. Through the tirade, Miss Harris calmly kept on -“making up.” While he was generally going over her sins of omission and -commission, she was carefully penciling her eyebrows, looking sidewise -into the mirror, the way they do. When he got down to purple-faced -bellows of rage, she was going over her lips with the lip stick. When he -was generally giving an explosive review of the ground he had already -covered, the lady was giving a final dab just over her eye lids. Having -given herself a final and critical survey in her pocket mirror and -finding the job was worthy of her O.K., she proceeded softly to cry -at the director’s remarks. She believes in taking up things in their -systematic and proper rotation. - -Chaplin speaks bitterly of his married life and at the same time glares -with melancholy rage and dismay at his first gray hairs. The first time -the newspaper photographers took his picture on his arrival in New York, -he asked them with alarmed solicitude to retouch the plates so his gray -hairs would not show. - -The movie people in New York feel somewhat dismayed because of Charley’s -interview with a British newspaper man regarding Fatty Arbuckle and the -killing of Virginia Rappe in San Francisco. - -The disposition of the movie actors on Broadway is to pile the guilt of -every movie scandal that has occurred since the beginning of time upon -Fatty’s robust shoulders and let him sink. - -I was amused, however, when “Pathe” Lehrmann rushed into the New York -papers after the killing and raved for a couple of columns upon the -deplorable condition of Fatty’s morals in relation to women. It seems -that “Pathe” was engaged to the deceased young lady. He is now Owen -Moore’s director at a studio in this city. - -Among the several things, that “Pathe” says about Fatty Arbuckle is -that Fatty used to clean spittoons in Arizona. “This,” remarks “Pathe” -witheringly, “Is what happens when we take people out of the gutter and -make them millionaires.” - -Well, maybe so; maybe so. But I have a distinct recollection of “Pathe” -Lehrmann before he got into the Rolls-Royce class. - -In an east side lodging house, Lehrmann is not so very convincing as the -one to stare coldly at Fatty across the cold chasm of class inferiority. - -As far as Fatty Arbuckle goes—Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well! He is -neither the frightful monster painted by the agitated Herr Lehrmann, nor -yet the “clear white inside” person described by the emotional ex-husband -of Miss Harris. - -Fatty is an ignorant fat boy with a natural impulse to be funny. As a -clown, he is there a million. As a millionaire, he is about as convincing -as a louse on the shoulders of a decollette heiress. He just doesn’t -belong there. - -As to the spittoons of the Arizona saloon, well, somebody had to clean -’em. I hope he cleaned them well. - -It was Fatty’s misfortune that he was not able to hush up his scandal as -the scandal of Zelda Crosby was hushed up recently in New York. - -Zelda Crosby was a young scenario writer. When she was about fifteen -years old she happened to be invited to a jazz party given by a well -known movie star in New York. One of the guests at the party was a -“fillum” magnate known over the world for his campaign for purity, etc., -in the films. - -He took the little girl under the protection of his influence. She -developed a flare for writing and he gave her an important job as a -scenario writer. - - * * * * * - -This row of stars means the usual thing that they mean in romances. - -Well, after a while, the girl, who was now in her twenties, realized that -he was slipping away from her. She accused him of having met another girl -for whom he cared more than for her. Incidentally, he was a married man, -but that didn’t count. - -The film magnate renewed his protestations to her; but began to find -fault with the quality of her scenario work. Then one day the little girl -went into the bath room and tipped up a bottle of poison and that was the -end. - -Well, not quite the end. A girl friend of hers began to talk at a party. -She began to tell some very dangerous things she knew of. It happened -that this girl’s name is the same as that of a great screen star. - -In a panic the film magnate heard what was said at the party. He hurried -off to the astonished star a telegram threatening openly to ruin her -entire screen career if she ever opened her mouth again about this -scandal. Her indignant reply disclosed to the magnate that he had sent a -telegram to the wrong girl by mistake. - -Then, brethren, there was truly a fine howdydo, and it all came out in -the papers—at least some of it did. - -One young man—a journalist hanging on the ragged edge of decency, stated -that he had some inside facts and intended to bring the whole thing out -in a grand jury investigation. But he never got to the grand jury and -the whole thing was suddenly hushed up. I leave it to you to imagine -what happened. - -It looks like a rotten year for the theatre business—and perhaps for -other business. - -At this writing there is not one legitimate show in New York doing any -business. “Six Cylinder Love,” a comedy about a family which buys an -automobile before they can really afford to do so, is supposed to be the -one big hit of New York and it has already been forced to take blocks -of its tickets over to the reduced rate ticket office to be sold at a -discount. - -Already, with the season hardly started, the beach is strewn with wrecks. -One month, after the opening of the season, some nineteen shows had gone -broke and had been taken off. - -To be honest about it, I think most of the nineteen richly deserved it. -For some unaccountable reason, nearly all the shows are infernally talky -this year. The curtain goes up on a pair of people who gabble at you over -the footlights until you have the blind staggers. When they—and you—are -groggy, another pair take up the talk fest. Nothing ever happens but -chatter. This is supposed to be the new “literal” and “realistic” school. - -The high brow authors contend that their characters gabble over nothing -for hours in real life; therefore, they should gabble by the hour about -nothing in mimic life. By the same token I dare say they will show them -putting hair lotion on their bald spots and trimming their corns and -performing the other manifest, but not thrilling or interesting, duties -of life. - -If we are going to be realistic, b’gosh let’s be really so. - -One of the few real successes of the theatre season is a coy and refined -young comedy for the pure and young; it is called “Finding Gertie’s -Garter.” - -Al Woods, the promoter thereof, cheerfully admits all the rough things -the papers and the preachers say about it. Al says that last year he -listened to the critics who spurred him on to do his duty toward art and -refinement. Result, he lost $75,000 on two high-brow plays. Hereafter, he -is for bedroom farces “first, last and alla time” as politicians say. - -Which brings us to Irving Berlin, the song writer who is just about to -blossom out as a producer with a beautiful theatre of his own. - -Irving began where Fatty Arbuckle did—or nearly there. He was a waiter -and song shouter in a tough cafe on the East Side. - -In Berlin’s case, however, he went steadfastly to work and began writing -songs. At first he sang his own songs in the cafe; then he got them -published. Now he is a millionaire and has the additional distinction of -being one of the men who were engaged to Constance Talmadge before she -was carried off by a fascinating Greek millionaire. - -In fact, Irving was the last of the jilted ones. He got his dismissal -from Connie down in Florida. When he came back nursing bruised and -broken love hopes some one asked him about the climate in Florida. - -“Fine air I hear, Irving?” said the friend. - -“Yes” said Irving, “And I got the air.” - - * * * * * - -Oh, Cholly! - -Gwendolyn—“This is my beau’s birthday, but I don’t know what present to -give him.” - -Susie—“Give him a book.” - -“But he already has a book.” - -“Give him a box of cigars.” - -“But he doesn’t smoke.” - -“Give him a case of Near Beer.” - -“But he doesn’t drink.” - -“Well, if that’s the sort of guy he is, you’d better send him a kimona.” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman’s Toast - - Whisky, you are me darlint’, - I love you both early and late, - You above all other liquors - I pledge me whole estate. - If I were as low as a beggar, - You’d make me as high as a king, - And whisky, when you’re in me tummy, - I rattle, I roar, and I sing. - - * * * * * - -Brigham Young would rejoice in present day styles. A bolt of gingham -would go almost around the family. - - * * * * * - -Embolusing the Thrombosis - -Question (to doctor on witness stand in murder case)—“Just tell the jury -what, in your opinion, caused the death of the late Mr. Scrapple.” - -Answer—“Well, when deceased laid down his full house with buoyancy of -spirit and was about to reach for the pot, the accused, Mr. Jopkins, -cried out, ‘Hold on! What’s the matter with them four treys?’ This -sudden cessation of undue elation on the part of the late Mr. Scrapple -created an anti-climax and caused the blood of the myocardium to go -galloping round and round the heart, thus supercharging the pulmonary -arteries until the renal, splenic and cerebral vessels went to pieces -and left the embolus lodging crosswise against the primary thrombosis. -Thus it is self-evident that the booze he had obviously been imbibing -became partially coagulated, forming an aneurism which brought about a -spiflication of the sine quo non. This would, I think, be sufficient to -cause death.” - -His Honor—“I think so, too.” - - * * * * * - -Good Evening, Bartender! - -Boyce—I was arrested last night for impersonating an officer. - -Royce—What did you do? - -Boyce—I knocked at a side door and drank the slug of hootch they handed -out. - - - - -Pasture Pot Pourri - - -Sniff, Sniff - -_The following poem was written originally on tissue paper with a wire -nail._ - - I was born about ten thousand years ago. - There isn’t a doggone thing that I don’t know. - I played “ring around the roses,” - With Peter, Paul, and Moses, - And I’ll choke the guy that says it isn’t so. - - I once saw Satan as he looked the garden o’er. - I saw Adam and Eve kicked out of the garden door. - Through the bushes I was peeking - At the apple they were eating, - And I’ll swear I was the guy who ate the core. - - Queen Elizabeth she fell in love with me. - We were married in Milwaukee secretly. - I tired of her and shook her - And went with General Hooker - To fight mosquitoes down in Tennessee. - - * * * * * - -Whuzzat? - -The Patagonian Pee Wee is now described as a small bird of the Andes -which stands on its head during severe storms and huddles under its feet. - - * * * * * - -_We are still looking for a mate to the gink who quit drinking coffee -because the spoon handle hit his eye._ - - * * * * * - - Such a busyness! - Such a blondeness! - Such a dizzyness! - Such a fondness! - Such a kissyness! - Wife’s on t’us! - Such a pretty mess! - - * * * * * - -In the Day’s News - -“The other day my mother sent me to the grocery store for a pound of -sugar. The grocer did not have any on hand, so I went out. When I got -on the icy sidewalk I slipped and fell, but I went home with some lumps -anyway.” - - * * * * * - -“_Waiter, bring me a cup of coffee the color of my girl’s neck._” - - * * * * * - -His Pathos Burning - -“You know, folks, what makes me so late in arriving at this party is that -my mother lost a lid off the kitchen range, and I had to sit on the stove -to keep the smoke in until she found the lid.” - - * * * * * - -Now, after the outburst of applause has subsided, we will sing a song -entitled, “Why the Corkscrew Has Lost Its Pull,” written by William -Jennings Bryan. - - * * * * * - -_Let us now sing another little song entitled, “Mother, Hang Out the -Service Flag; Father Has Gone to Work Again.”_ - - * * * * * - -“How long,” she blushingly inquired, “Must one beat a cow before she will -give whipped cream?” - - * * * * * - -Up to Date - -He—Where is your husband? - -She—He went back to his wife. - - * * * * * - -Height of Piety - -Out in San Francisco is a Scotch woman who is so religious that she will -not give the children medicine on Saturday night for fear it will work on -Sunday. - - * * * * * - -_Our idea of tough luck is to work for your board and then lose your -appetite._ - - * * * * * - -I asked her why she wore socks and she said they were not socks; that -they were stockings, and she had water on the knee which caused her -stockings to shrink. - -I suppose her bobbed hair was caused by water on the brain. - - * * * * * - -_Every young man believes in the advice “Begin at the Bottom” when -looking over the feminine parade down the street._ - - * * * * * - -My father was killed in a feud. - -I never would ride in one of those cheap cars. - - * * * * * - -Another suitor won her Hand, but I am trying to win her Back. - - * * * * * - -Lead Me to It! - -Advertisement on cover of movie magazine: Picture of Billie Burke Inside. -Who said beauty is only skin deep? - - * * * * * - -We Printed This Before - -_I want a good girl and I want her bad._ - - * * * * * - -Cut ’er Out, Dang!! - -The man in the restaurant next to me made so much noise drinking his -coffee that a deaf man in the front of the restaurant shouted “Run for -your lives, the dam has broken!” - - * * * * * - -_A dog can bury a bone and go to sleep knowing his “wife” won’t find it._ - -_But a man can’t get away with it, with a wife who goes through his -pockets._ - - * * * * * - -An Accommodating Judge - -(From the Creston Gazette.) - -The trial jurors called for the August term of the district court in -this county appeared this afternoon at 1:30 when court convened and were -dismissed by District Judge Evans until 9:00 A. M. tomorrow. - -Immediately after the dismissal of the jurors for the day the equity case -of Reid vs. Ternihan was taken up and at the time of this paper going to -press, was on trial before Judge Evans. - -A number of jurors called for service this term asked to be excused from -duty and some were excused. - -One juror, a man, asked to be excused. - -“What are your reasons for wishing to be excused?” asked Judge Evans. - -“I am needed at home,” the juror answered. - -“Who did you leave at home?” the judge asked. - -“My wife and—and—the hired man,” timidly replied the juror. - -He was excused until Thursday morning. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -Let Us Sing “Mother O’ Mine” - -(From Honolulu Advertiser.) - -Four sows with babies and 25 half-bredded Toggenberg goats. M. Fernandez, -Tenth Avenue, Palolo. - - * * * * * - -Joys of Waiters - -(From Honolulu Advertiser.) - -A working housekeeper is wanted to take charge of a small hotel and two -first-class waiters. Apply The Roselawn, 1366 S. King street. - - * * * * * - -Frisco’s Sanitary Corps - -(From the San Francisco Examiner.) - -Would like to communicate with a lady that wants to make money on a -sanitary article for women, ranging from 14 years to 45. I can not -handle, but will co-operate. For further particulars, write box 68898, -Examiner. - - * * * * * - -A Classified Special - -(From the Daily University Californian.) - -FOR RENT—One woman. Furnished room with sleeping porch; beautiful view. -Three blocks north of campus. 4695W. - - * * * * * - -Pedigreed Bull - -(From Denver News and Times.) - -Well marked pedigreed Boston terrier puppies, sired by Dinty Moore. 1364 -York St. - - * * * * * - -Going Out - -(An Advertisement.) - -WANTED: Man to run a soft drink parlor out of town. - - * * * * * - -How’re Everythings? - -A Boston youth is the hero of this account in the “Globe”: - -His parents were what is known as “high-brow,” but they also were good -sports. So, when he suggested taking them to a restaurant in the market -district of Boston, they agreed. - -The mother’s exquisite clothes stamped her as a society woman, but -democracy reigns supreme at the market restaurant. - -They sat down at the table. The waiter handed the mother a menu and then -leaned confidentially forward over the back of the chair and said: - -“Well, sister, what’s the good news?” - - * * * * * - -The Height of Sociability - -Virgil W. Church found a case containing 79 half pints of bonded whisky -on his farm near here. He notified the police.—Michigan City (Ind.) -Dispatch. - - * * * * * - -Tough Guys - -A couple of darkies argued on the street— - -“If yo go with dat gal, I’ll cut yo up in pieces so small a ant kin -swaller yo.” - -“If yo do I’ll hit yo so ha’d it will make a bump on yo haid so big that -when dey call the ambulance dey will put the bump inside and yo’all will -have to walk.” - - * * * * * - -Overheard in a Hospital - -A negress rolled her eyes heavenward and exclaimed: “Oh, Lawd if dis am a -sample ob married life, I’se glad I’se only engaged.” - - * * * * * - -Homeopathic Dose - -Jazzbo—Please, Mistah Bahbah, I’d like a nickel’s worth o’ hair tonic. - -Barber—What in the world do you want with a nickel’s worth for when it’s -selling for a dollar a pint? Want to restore the eyebrows on a flea? - -Jazzbo—Nossuh nossuh. Wanta fix mah watch. It’s got a speck o’ dandruff -in the hair spring. - - * * * * * - -Fleas Be Fleas - - If flies are flies, - Because they fly, - And fleas are fleas - Because they flee, - Then bees are bees - Because they be. - - * * * * * - -Quick, Doctor! - -An inquisitive maiden lady, touring Yellowstone Park came to the boiling -lake. - -“Say, Mr. Guide, does this lake ever freeze?” - -“Oh, yes, it froze a thin coat of ice last winter and a young lady went -skating on it. She broke through the ice and scalded her foot.” - - * * * * * - -The Life of the Party - -_When Roscoe Arbuckle was star in “The Life of the Party,” the film -adapted from Irving Cobb’s Saturday Evening Post yarn, little did he -realize that he would play a similar role in real life. Poet Gordon tells -about it in these verses._ - -By R. C. Gordon. - - A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun, - Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton, - Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play; - His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day. - - He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends, - And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend? - Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went well - Until one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell. - - “Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,” - But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death. - She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind, - Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind. - - “They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said, - And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead. - Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray, - For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day. - - * * * * * - -A London Report - -Complaining at Tottenham of assault, a woman said this was the second -time the same man had assaulted her. - -“I took no notice when he kicked me the first time,” she said, “because -it was dark, and I took it to be my husband.” - -“Then I saw it was a stranger, and I screamed.” - - * * * * * - -“I hate to be a kicker, and generally stand for peace; but the wheel that -does the squeaking is the wheel that gets the grease.”—Kipling. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_I. Scream_=—You ask me to publish the story entitled “Heaven’s Above” -and I am herewith complying, poetical style: - - _I kissed the dimple in her chin,_ - _Her cheeks suffused with red;_ - _Reprovingly she looked at me,_ - _“Heaven’s above!” she said._ - -Maybe you don’t think that this is the true version, but it is the only -one we can think of at present. - - * * * * * - -=_Yucan Haver_=—Your friend, when he said you had eyes like a certain -star, probably referred to Ben Turpin’s. - - * * * * * - -=_Al A. Baster_=—Yes, it is very embarrassing for the young man who tries -to stop a lady’s nose-bleed by putting a bunch of cold keys down her -back, especially if it is at a fancy dress ball. - - * * * * * - -=_George_=—Good looks, money, a car, help along the male flirt—but the -only indispensable requisite is a chilled steel nerve. - - * * * * * - -Philosophy of the Modern Flapper - -By Jane Gaites. - -Tonight when you shall gather me in your strong loving arms and marvel -at the radiance of my eyes, the golden glamour of my hair, the velvety -softness of my pink cheeks, while you tell me you love me, I shall smile. - -And you will be content thinking that I smile because of love for you. -You will wonder at my naivete, at my simplicity, and innocence. You do -not know of my rows and rows of expensive jars that make me beautiful. -You do not guess that untold experience has made me “simple.” - -And when you draw me even closer to you and kiss me again, more -passionately, while you smile at my sweet demureness and simplicity, I -too will smile, because with all your vast knowledge of women—dear boy, -you are so simple! - - * * * * * - -_“This falls just a little below my expectations,” said the blushing -young thing to her dressmaker as she surveyed herself in the mirror. As -to what the blushing young thing meant by expectations, you can use your -own judgment._ - - * * * * * - -No, gentle reader, the bull durham outfit is not responsible for the -practice: “Roll Your Own.” - - * * * * * - -“The man I marry must have common sense,” she said. But the party broke -up when I remarked, “He won’t have.” - - * * * * * - -Oh Sprinkle Me With Dew! - - “I thank you for the Flowers you sent,” - She said. - I’m sorry for the words I spoke - Last Night. - Your sending me those flowers made all - Things right. - Will you forgive me? He forgave her. - - And as they kissed again beneath - The bowers, - He wondered who the deuce sent her - Those flowers. - - * * * * * - -The Modern Girl - -She told him: “There’s no fun in a graveyard; give me my flowers now.” - - * * * * * - -Printer’s Note - -Just as Ye Printer (get that Ye stuff) was finishing up slapping this -crazy stuff in the form we received the following telegram from the boss, -sent from Los Onglaze: “HAVE LEARNED THAT WHIZ BANG HAS THE LARGEST -CIRCULATION HERE OF ANY TWENTY-FIVE CENT MAGAZINE PUBLISHED ANYWHERE. I -AM LEAVING TOMORROW FOR TIAJUANA AND WILL VISIT MORE MOVIE STUDIOS HERE -NEXT WEEK. THEN I GO TO HONOLULU.” - -Well, by the time this reaches the readers, the boss will be running -around loose in the Paradise of hulas, volcanoes, beaches, painted fish -and sensuous climates. - - - - -_The Annual Is Out!_ - - -Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no -delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out— - - -PIN A DOLLAR BILL - - Or your check, money order or stamps - To the coupon on the opposite page. - -And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, -pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put -in print. - - -REMEMBER, FOLK - -Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 -book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and -not a copy could be bought =anywhere= in the United States within ten -days. - -So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! - -Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, -Robbinsdale, Minn. - -Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues. - -We haven’t any left. - - - - -_Our Winter Annual_ - - -In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal -contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, -stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, -contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the -Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will -be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest -collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list -are: - - Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The - Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl - in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice - to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy - LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim. - -Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which -they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with -your check, money order or stamps. - - * * * * * - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 - for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -27, November, 1921, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - -***** This file should be named 61864-0.txt or 61864-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/1/8/6/61864/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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No. 27, November 1921, by Various. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -.starbreak { - text-align: center; - clear: both; - margin: 1em auto; - letter-spacing: 2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 450%; -} - -.bbox { - page-break-before: always; - border: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.bold { - font-weight: bold; -} - -.box { - border: 2px solid black; - padding: 0.5em; -} - -.by { - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 130%; - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-bottom: 0.75em; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.form { - width: 100%; - border-bottom: 1px dotted; -} - -.hanging { - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent1 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent4 { - text-indent: 1em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.sans { - font-family: sans-serif; - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 90%; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.spacer { - padding-left: 5em; -} - -.u { - border-bottom: 3px solid; -} - -.w20 { - max-width: 20em; -} - -.w40 { - max-width: 40em; - margin: auto; -} - -.blue { - border: double #577381; - page-break-before: always; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.all-blue { - color: #577381; -} - -.transnote { - background-color: #E6E6FA; - color: black; - text-align: center; - font-size: smaller; - padding: 0.5em; - margin-bottom: 5em; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 27, -November, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll -have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using -this ebook. - - - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 27, November, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: April 18, 2020 [EBook #61864] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<p class="transnote"><b>Transcriber’s Note:</b> If you’re following these issues in order, we jump -straight from No. 25 (October 1921) to this No. 27 (November 1921). -Subsequent issues continue the numbering from here. No. 26 doesn’t seem -to exist at all.</p> - -<hr /> - -<h1>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 27, November, 1921</h1> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="430" height="600" alt="Cover image" /> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-blue"> - -<h2>STATEMENT OF THE OWNERSHIP, MANAGEMENT, CIRCULATION, -ETC., REQUIRED BY THE ACT OF CONGRESS OF -AUGUST, 24, 1912.<br /> -<span class="smaller">Of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, published monthly at Robbinsdale, -Minnesota, for October 1, 1921.</span></h2> - -<p class="noindent">State of Minnesota, County of Hennepin—ss.</p> - -<p>Before me, a notary public in and for the state and county, -aforesaid, personally appeared Harvey Fawcett, who, having been -duly sworn according to law, deposes and says that he is the business -manager of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, and that the following -is, to the best of his knowledge and belief, a true statement of -the ownership, management (and if a daily paper, the circulation), -etc., of the aforesaid publication for the date shown in the above -caption, required by the Act of August 24, 1912, embodied in Section -443, Postal Laws and Regulations, printed on the reverse of this -form, to-wit:</p> - -<p>1. That the names and addresses of the publisher, editor, managing -editor, and business managers are: Publisher, W. H. Fawcett, -Robbinsdale, Minnesota; editor, W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, -Minnesota; managing editor, none; business manager, Harvey -Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota.</p> - -<p>2. That the owners are: (Give names and addresses of individual -owners, or, if a corporation, give its name and the names and -addresses of stockholders owning or holding 1 per cent or more of -the total amount of stock.) W. H. Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; -Claire Fawcett, Robbinsdale, Minnesota; George D. Meyers, -Robbinsdale, Minnesota; Robert. P. Kirby, Robbinsdale, Minnesota.</p> - -<p>3. That the known bondholders, mortgagees, and other security -holders owning or holding 1 per cent or more of total amount of -bonds, mortgages or other securities are: (If there are none, so -state.) None.</p> - -<p>4. That the two paragraphs next above, giving the names of the -owners, stockholders, and security holders, if any, contain not only -the list of stockholders and security holders as they appear upon -the books of the company but also, in cases where the stockholder -or security holder appear upon the books of the company as trusted -or in any other fiduciary relation, the name of the person or corporation -for whom such trustee is acting is given; also that the -said two paragraphs contain statements embracing affiant’s full -knowledge and belief as to the circumstances and conditions under -which stockholders and security holders who do not appear upon -the books of the company as trustees, hold stock and securities in -a capacity other than that of a bona fide owner; and this affiant has -no reason to believe that any other person, association, or corporation -has any interest direct or indirect in the said stock, bonds, -other securities than as so stated by him.</p> - -<p>5. That the average number of copies of each issue of this publication -sold or distributed, through the mails or otherwise, to paid -subscribers during the six months preceding the date shown above -is: (This information is required from daily publications only.)</p> - -<p class="right">(Signed) HARVEY FAWCETT.</p> - -<p>Sworn to and subscribed before me this 9th day of September -1921.</p> - -<p class="right">EDITH M. KEEGAN,<br /> -Notary public, Hennepin county, Minnesota.</p> - -<p>My commission expires October 8, 1924.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Title page image" /> - -<p class="caption"><i>Captain Billy’s<br /> -Whiz Bang</i></p> - -<p class="caption"><i>America’s Magazine of<br /> -Wit, Humor and<br /> -Filosophy</i></p> - -<p class="caption">NOVEMBER, 1921 <span class="spacer">Vol. III. No. 27</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Published Monthly<br /> -W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2<br /> -at Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="caption">Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice at -Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the -Act of March 3, 1879.</p> - -<p class="caption">Price 25 cents <span class="spacer">$2.50 per year</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part -permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is -loyalty to the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt.</p> - -<p class="center">Copyright 1921<br /> -By W. H. Fawcett</p> - -<div class="box"> - -<p>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. -Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news -stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no -clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a -year in advance.</p> - -</div> - -<p class="center">Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and -dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Drippings From the Fawcett</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><i>Ye Editor is now touring these great and glorious -United States in quest of the Famed Pedigreed Bull, and -in this issue we are intending to give a wider variety as a -result of our visits to the East, South and the golden West.</i></p> - -<p><i>We had the pleasure of spending an afternoon at the -New York studio as a personal guest of D. W. Griffith, in -addition to peeping behind Broadway’s scenes, and at this -writing we are “courting Satan” in the domain of Fatty -Arbuckle et al., California’s movie camps.</i></p> - -<p><i>If we seem to carry too much gossip in this issue from -Hollywood and Los Angeles, please pardon us. We’ll be -leaving soon for the deer hunting grounds in Minnesota, -but in the meantime, of course, we will have to go to San -Francisco, “The City of Health, Wealth and Beauty,” for -first-hand information on Movieland’s latest and biggest -sensation!</i></p> - -<p class="dropcap">Well, Kind Readers, I woke up the other -morning with a grouch and the reason -for it is just this: Gus, the hired man, -jumped his job and I had to do the morning -chores myself. At that moment I could waft -forth onto the silvery air the sweetest scent -you ever scented. To make matters all the -worse, one of the cows kicked over the milk -pail when I was half through the job. She also -added insult to injury by swishing her mucky -old tail in my face.</p> - -<p>But to get back to Gus. Really, I don’t think<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -he played exactly fair. After he had enjoyed -several aeroplane rides and a wonderful trip -to New York and Atlantic City, he became obsessed -with the idea that the sun rose and set in -his face—that it was his bounden duty to hang -up the moon and take down the sun each evening. -Really, Fellow Soaks, I couldn’t get him -even to feed the pet monkey which I gave him -as a present for assumed faithfulness. Previously -I had a confidential talk with him regarding -a boat which was badly in need of a -coat of white lead and tar. He became quite -haughty at the idea that I should expect him -to act as Indian guide and hired man at the -same time, so he threw his hands in the air and -yelled: “I’m through.” And I guess he is -through, for the last time I saw him that morning -he was spinning away to Minneapolis.</p> - -<p>Right at this point, I must get somewhat -confidential. My opinion of Gus is that he was -lonesome for Robbinsdale—and its nearby suburb, -Minneapolis. Breezy Point at Pequot, -Minnesota, is thoroughly dry on account of its -location in the Indian territory. When Gus is -thirsty, he’s good and thirsty and it is my honest -belief that some day in the future he’ll come -back to the old homestead again.</p> - -<p>Well, Gus, if you ever read these lines, Good -Luck to you and God bless you—though I do -feel like saying Gosh Darn you instead.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Every now and then it falls my lot to -awaken with deep emotions of remorse. -When the harvest of a misspent night has -been reaped and garnered, the “morning after” -invariably finds me with a sort of null and void -feeling. Here I am in the old red barn of the -Whiz Bang farm endeavoring to gather some -fertile copy for the November issue. My poor, -fatigued brain refuses to move to action. It is -quite comparable to the brain of a univalve -mollusk. I can find but one palliative for my -purely personal woes and that is the twentieth -amendment.</p> - -<p>Oh, for the days of Omar Khayyam. His -immortal Rubaiyat is a masterpiece for the -“rounder.” Had he lived in this modern -generation a different title would have graced -his writings. We would probably be reading a -booklet entitled “The Philosophy of An Old -Sport,” or probably that short and sweet title, -“Wine, Women and Song.” Whenever I feel -like a fatuous fathead, a certain degree of -relief always can be gained in perusing Omar’s -bull. And so today, while I have a look of -languor like a homesick bum, I am repeating -herewith some of his verses which may find an -appeal to “The old sport who sat in the grand -stand chair.” Here they are:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">They say the Lion and the Lizard keep</div> -<div class="verse">The Courts where Jamshyd gloried and drank deep</div> -<div class="verse">And Braham, that great Hunter—the Wild Ass</div> -<div class="verse">Stamps o’er his Head, but cannot break his Sleep.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">For some we loved, the loveliest and the best</div> -<div class="verse">That from his Vintage rolling Time hath prest,</div> -<div class="verse">Have drunk their Cup a Round or two before,</div> -<div class="verse">And one by one crept silently to rest.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">You know, my Friends, with what a brave Carouse</div> -<div class="verse">I made a Second Marriage in my house;</div> -<div class="verse">Divorced old barren Reason from my Bed,</div> -<div class="verse">And took the Daughter of the Vine to Spouse.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And lately, by the Tavern Door agape,</div> -<div class="verse">Came shining through the Dusk an Angel Shape</div> -<div class="verse">Bearing a Vessel on his Shoulder; and</div> -<div class="verse">He bid me taste of it; and ’twas—the Grape.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Why, be this Juice the growth of God, who dare</div> -<div class="verse">Blaspheme the twisted tendril as a snare?</div> -<div class="verse">A Blessing, we should use it, should we not?</div> -<div class="verse">And if a Curse—why, then, Who set it there?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><span class="sans">YESTERDAY</span> this Day’s Madness did prepare;</div> -<div class="verse"><span class="sans">TOMORROW’S</span> Silence, Triumph, or Despair:</div> -<div class="verse">Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why:</div> -<div class="verse">Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Whereat some one of the loquacious Lot—</div> -<div class="verse">I think a Sufi pipkin—waxing hot—</div> -<div class="verse">“All this of Pot and Potter—Tell me, then,</div> -<div class="verse">“Who is the Potter, pray, and who the Pot?”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Why,” said another, “Some there are who tell</div> -<div class="verse">“Of one who threatens he will toss to Hell</div> -<div class="verse">“The luckless Pots he marr’d in making—Pish!</div> -<div class="verse">“He’s a Good Fellow, and ’twill all be well.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Ah, with the Grape my fading life provide,</div> -<div class="verse">And wash the Body whence the life has died,</div> -<div class="verse">And lay me, shrouded in the living Leaf,</div> -<div class="verse">By some not unfrequented Garden-side.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><span class="sans">Ah Love! could you and I with Him conspire</span></div> -<div class="verse"><span class="sans">To grasp this sorry Scheme of Things entire,</span></div> -<div class="verse"><span class="sans">Would we not shatter it to bits—and then</span></div> -<div class="verse"><span class="sans">Re-mould it nearer to the Heart’s Desire!</span></div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And when like her, or Saki, you shall pass</div> -<div class="verse">Among the Guests Star-scattered on the Grass,</div> -<div class="verse">And in your joyous errand reach the spot</div> -<div class="verse">Where I made One—turn down an empty Glass!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">“It won’t be long now,” insisted my new -Jewish farm hand, Ikey, as he grabbed -the axe this morning to cut the daily -supply of wood.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We surely are getting lots of tourists -in Minnesota this year. Just at the -close of the hunting season we saw a -pennant on the back of a Ford of the vintage -of 1904 or 1905 which read “Clymer, Pa.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Fishing season was brought to an -eventful close at my summer resort, -Breezy Point Lodge, in the Indian -country of Northern Minnesota this month and -now all we have to do is sit around all winter -and recount experiences with the hook and line.</p> - -<p>The day the season closed four of us boarded -a raft and put out into Big Pelican Lake for a -day’s angling. I had a very strong line and -towards the close of the day was rewarded with -a big bite from a Great Northern pike. The -pike nearly ran away with the line, but the -four of us held on and Mr. Fish pulled us -almost to shore. When we reached shallow -water we grabbed the line and made a half -hitch around a tree while one of the party -pumped the fish full of shotgun pellets. It was -then we discovered that the fish had swallowed -a young fawn and that the fawn, after being -swallowed, kicked its legs through the belly of -the fish, and thus the fish, when it reached<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span> -shallow water, had been able to walk almost to -shore. What was that you said? Yes, sure, -make it Bourb’n!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">This is a plea for fair play. Fatty -Arbuckle at this writing hasn’t been -convicted of any crime. Testimony by -one of the prosecuting witnesses is claimed by -the defense as showing Miss Rappe voluntarily -entering what later proved to be her death -chamber. We are not taking that as evidence -to remove guilt or do we claim that it excuses -Fatty for his alleged actions.</p> - -<p>The “exposure” of Fatty’s past actions by -daily newspapers ought not to be news to -regular Whiz Bang readers. For more than a -year we have “kidded” Fatty, in our “movie -pages,” for his famous “pajama parties,” and -dedicated the cover of our August, 1920, issue -to Fatty’s “heart-breaking” playfulness in -Hollywood.</p> - -<p>A recent report to the Whiz Bang was to -the effect that Mr. Arbuckle bought the -Randolph Miner home on West Adams Street, -Los Angeles, because it was supposed to hold a -thirty thousand dollar cellar.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We are reminded, by an enthusiastic -reader, of the old story of the man who -walked into a Halstead Street saloon -in Chicago and ordered Sherry and Egg.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<p>“Bartender, if your Sherry was as old as your -egg and your egg was as young as your Sherry, -this would be a dang good drink.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Deacon Miller, my long-haired -neighbor, doesn’t approve of the aeroplane -which I purchased recently any more -than he does of my Whiz Bang. When our -hired man told the Deacon about my purchase -of the plane, old Miller grunted and snorted -and said he wouldn’t own any fool thing that -would fly and not lay any eggs.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We have it from the Seattle Post -Intelligencer that the Justamere farm -at Mount Vernon, Washington, is the -home of Colony Zarilda Cornucopia, the only -33,000-pound pedigreed bull in the state. I’d -hate to be the hired man that had to throw this -bull every day.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">My, my, my, what an agitation we have -started over the definition of a -“Whiffenpoof.” A Kansas reader avers -that everybody is wrong so far; that a -“Whiffenpoof” is a bird that eats red pepper -and has to fly backwards to keep his tail from -catching on fire.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Some young men seem to imagine that they -are following the fashions when they are on -the trail of a pretty girl.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">My new hired man, Pete, hangs around -the hog pen so much that he apparently -has learned most of his manners from -the animals. The other night we went to -supper at neighbor Nelson’s place and our -hired man tried to make a hit with Tillie, old -man Nelson’s daughter. A few days later I -asked Tillie how she liked Pete.</p> - -<p>“Oh,” she exclaimed, “At supper he acted -like a pig and after supper he was such a bore.”</p> - -<p>So I guess that ends Pete’s love affair so far -as Tillie is concerned.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Well, boys, in conclusion I wish to cheer -you up with the consolation that the -Bible gives to the thirsty: “Blessed are -the poor in spirit.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Those Inquisitive Aussies</h3> - -<p>An Australian editor tells this story—</p> - -<p>An old lady, at the conclusion of the war, -was paying a visit to Madame Jarley’s Wax -Works. Carefully sizing up a group of figures -representing various ancient queens, including -Queen Elizabeth and Mary Queen of Scots, she -asked an attendant if they wore any underwear -under this gorgeous raiment. The attendant -replied:</p> - -<p>“No, ma’am, they don’t wear any, but the -public of course thinks they do. The only -visitors we’ve ’ad as knows they don’t are some -Australian soldiers.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hot Tamales</h3> - -<p>Two jolly traveling men viewed with -unmingled pleasure the charms of a beautiful -maiden who sat opposite them in the palatial -Twentieth Century Limited. To their surprise -and further happiness, the fair charmer -suddenly removed her stockings, turned them -inside out and replaced them, being careful to -roll them stylishly to half-hose length. The -drummers were quite worried as to why she -went through this performance. Finally one -of them screwed up courage enough to ask her -point blank. Here’s her pert reply:</p> - -<p>“Oh, my legs were hot and I just turned the -hose on them.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>An Eye Opener</h3> - -<p>She was sweet seventeen and just emancipated -from the thraldom of school, but already she -had her “best boy,” who on some special -occasion gave her a gold watch.</p> - -<p>Some days later he inquired if she had told -her friends of his little gift.</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes,” she said “all of them.”</p> - -<p>“Did you say who gave it to you?”</p> - -<p>“Of course not,” replied the artless maiden. -“We always gave one kiss for each chocolate at -school. But for a gold watch! Well, I thought -it best to say mamma gave it to me.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Oh, scissors, let’s cut up.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Heard On the Toonerville</h3> - -<p>It was pitch dark along the road and had -anybody been listening in the shrubbery they -would have heard the voice of a woman -remonstrating with a man. “I won’t,” exclaimed -the woman, “I think you are a brute.”</p> - -<p>“You’ll either do what I say or get out and -walk home,” roared the deep voice of the man.</p> - -<p>“All right, I’ll walk,” said the woman, “but -wait till I tell my husband. I paid my fare and -you rang it up just before we left the city -limits,” and she indignantly left the street car.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Ring On, Oh Bells</h3> - -<p>Bright’s wife prided herself on being -resourceful and after waiting in another room -while her husband talked for half an hour with -a gentleman in the parlor she turned the alarm -clock so it rang a second and then called, “John, -you are wanted on the phone.” The caller said -good-bye and John came back to his wife with -an amused smile. “Well, that’s one way to get -rid of them,” said friend wife. “What did he -want?” “Oh, nothing,” replied her husband, -“he was just a solicitor trying to get me to -have a telephone put in.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>For Freedom</h3> - -<p>Convict—“I’m here for having five wives.”</p> - -<p>Visitor—“How are you enjoying your -liberty?”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Questions and Answers</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—Where can I find a man -like Fatty Arbuckle?—<b><i>Marie De Wildmen.</i></b></p> - -<p>We have referred your inquiry to Pedro.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—What makes the wild -cat wild?—<b><i>Larry Cranker.</i></b></p> - -<p>Turpentine.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—What is a “soubrette?”—<b><i>Ivegon -Buggs.</i></b></p> - -<p>A singer that gets $50 a week and sends -$100 home to mother.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Bill</i></b>—How long does the -three-foot kiss in the movies last?—<b><i>Oscar -Latory.</i></b></p> - -<p>Long enough to warp the hands on an -asbestos alarm clock.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Skipper</i></b>—If you were a cowpuncher -alone in a big city and without a pony, saddle, -or lariat, and desired to corral a calf, what -would you do?—<b><i>Scare D. Catt.</i></b></p> - -<p>“Getting Gertie’s Garter” is one of the -biggest hits of the season.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Captain Billy</i></b>—Why is it that the motion -picture producers must give their picture such -blatant title as “Once to Every Woman,” “Why -Change Your Wife?”, etc. Stage plays don’t -have to have “alluring” names to be successful.—<b><i>Legit.</i></b></p> - -<p>Quite right, Legit. The “movies” ought to -tone down their titles so as to make them drab -and commonplace and on a par with such stage -successes, as “Mary’s Ankle,” “Up in Mabel’s -Room,” “Twin Beds,” and the recent Broadway -hit, “Getting Gertie’s Garter.” The last must -have been some job.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—What is a golf hazard -and what does ex-President Taft playing golf -remind you of?—<b><i>Loon Attic.</i></b></p> - -<p>A golf hazard is getting stung by a bee in -a rough. Don’t know what Taft playing golf -reminds of unless it’s a hippopotamus playing -tiddlywinks.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Billy</i></b>—What is the best way to tell a -gentleman?—<b><i>Root T. Toot.</i></b></p> - -<p>The best way is to watch how he wears his -evening clothes—or pajamas. The first is -preferable for single folk.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap</i></b>—What is meant by the stuff -dreams are made of?—<b><i>Near Beer.</i></b></p> - -<p>Paint, powder, padding and false hair.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Fawcett</i></b>—Can you give me a -recipe for a dish known as Strawberry -Surprise?—<b><i>Miss Conny Sewer.</i></b></p> - -<p>Pick the bones out of a quart of strawberries. -Add two pounds of borrowed sugar. Throw -in a quart of oyster shells and three raisins. -If it is good that’s the surprise.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Bill</i></b>—What are the best furs for summer -wear?—<b><i>Parry Moore.</i></b></p> - -<p>Deerskin, bearskin and moleskin probably -would suit your tastes. Moleskin is very -popular nowadays. No matter where the mole -is the skin can be worn to show it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap</i></b>—Which animal is the better -fighter—dog or badger?—<b><i>B. D. Chamber.</i></b></p> - -<p>It depends on how strong the badger is. In -the usual badger fight, too, much depends on -the proficiency shown in the art of releasing -the badger.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Whiz Bang</i></b>—What bird is known as -the bird of peace?—<b><i>Passy Fist.</i></b></p> - -<p>The chicken.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Captain Breezy Bill</i></b>—Kindly give me your -Whiz Bang definition of the phrase -“Matrimonial Progress.”—<b><i>Whipper Will.</i></b></p> - -<p>Adhering strictly to Queens-Gooseberry -rules, I cheerfully submit the following: “Maid -One; Maid Won; Made One.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Billy</i></b>—Where do women’s styles start?—<b><i>Miss -Wobb L. Walke.</i></b></p> - -<p>Styles start in Paris but we finish ’em here.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Whiz Bang</i></b>—Can you tell me if it is -true that some animals use their tails as -signals?—<b><i>Dr. Walloper.</i></b></p> - -<p>Yes, indeed—here in Robbinsdale and -elsewhere. The South American puma is said -to agitate its tail-tip to entice grazing, curious -creatures. The white underneath part of -several varieties of deer are said to be used as -a guide for other members of the herd. The -horse uses his tail as a sun shade for the driver. -Probably there are other animals that use -their tails, but as we have never taken our -post-graduate degree in tail technology, this -meager answer will have to suffice for the -present.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—Would you please -define “Platonic Love?”—<b><i>Plute O. Fizz.</i></b></p> - -<p>“Platonic Love” means that you can kiss her -all you want and forget she is a woman. But -there ain’t no such animal.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—Is it true that Fatty -Arbuckle is to plead “insanity”?—<b><i>Aunty I. -Over.</i></b></p> - -<p>We wouldn’t be surprised. Fatty has been -acting rather funny for several months.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Movie Hot Stuff</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We wonder how Mary Miles Minter -likes the idea of the battleship “New -Mexico” being sent up to Puget Sound -Navy Yard to have her bottom scraped. It is -said the “New Mexico” carried away a -handsome young officer “in the middle of a -reel.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Dorothy Dalton has been seen dancing -often of late at the Ambassador Hotel in -Los Angeles with her millionaire “angel,” -Godsell, of the Goldwyn Film Company.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Bebe Daniels and Jack Dempsey, the -pugilist, as the press agents of the film -companies may have told you, have been -seen chattering in the jungle at the Ambassador -Cocoanut Grove.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Wanda Hawley has been vacationing -at Catalina. Her hair has lately been -bobbed and has lost its former -brownishness, for it is now corn-tassel white. -Wanda occupied a table in the center of the -huge dining room of the St. Catherine Hotel<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> -and often dined with a tanned, slender, and -quiet young man. Star and escort looked -decidedly bored.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Thompson Buchanan, Lasky scenario -chieftain, is encouraging Helene -Chadwick in her film career.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Kathleen Clifford, clad in sports -clothes and sandals, steps nights with a -handsome dark stranger.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Herbert Rawlinson, with a couple of -minor actor friends in tow, spent a month -at Catalina. Roberta Arnold, Herbert’s -wife, seemed to be “somewhere on location” -for she was not in those parts. The adoration -of some hundreds of grammar school girls -seemed centered on handsome Herb and his -marvelous physique.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Marshall Neilan’s “all in a minute” -scenario writer, Lucita Squire, is still in -the game.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We know nothing about the scenario -business but it is reported from the -camps that Gouverneur Morris has -discovered one of those “all in a minute” -scenario writers in Ruth Wightman, and that -she is now adapting his stories for the screen.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>May McAvoy and Eddie Sutherland are -stepping about together.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Clara Kimball Young is playing the navy.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The same day Charley Chaplin was being -carried on the shoulders of his admirers -in London, that other world’s famous film -comedian, “Fatty” Arbuckle, was being -shouldered along to jail by policemen for his -connection with the death of a motion picture -actress in a San Francisco hotel.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Jackie Saunders and Hubby Horkheimer -haven’t been bathing at Long Beach of -late. Some of the Iowans who inhabit the -“metropolis” become “Infant terribles” when -the name Horkheimer is mentioned.</p> - -<p>Many of them are putting up their noses -and saying, “I told you so!” Now, due to the -publicity which centers around the mixup of -Mr. and Mrs. Horkheimer, all because a few -years ago the Horkheimer retinue of directors -and players, in pursuing film art at the Balboa -Studios at Long Beach, cavorted too fast and -furious to suit the simple minded and -puritanical Iowans, and Iowa sniffed long and -loud and shrugged shoulders when the -Horkheimer Company withdrew from that -scene of piety.</p> - -<p>Ho, hum!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Apropos of the recent reports of a -Geraldine Farrar and Lou Tellegen -matrimonial “tangle,” Whiz Bang’s -astute investigators have heard some interesting -gossip among the imported French actors of -Hollywood’s colony.</p> - -<p>They report a story, which went the rounds -in Paris just before Mr. Tellegen’s marriage to -the great prima donna, to the effect that Lou -was much infatuated at one time with an -actress of the French capital, but that this -“Love” was then on the struggling rung of the -ladder of fame and with her name yet to make.</p> - -<p>Of late our Frenchie friends are saying this -actress has attained fame and fortune in Paris, -which brings up the speculation as to the -possibilities of Lou’s wayward thoughts -returning to the scene of early days. Then -again all this talk may be plain bull of the -press agent variety to advertise Tellegen’s new -play “Don Juan,” which soon will open in New -York.</p> - -<p>After the failure of Lou’s play, “Blind -Youth,” on the stage to startle the public, he -announced his intentions of devoting talents to -the cinema art. Subsequently he played and -directed at the Lasky and Goldwyn lots, but -the Pickfords and Chaplins continued to hold -a monopoly on the “silent applause.” Now Lou -is returning to his former art before the footlights, -and we wish him much luck. Lou is a -good actor as everybody knows, but we can’t<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> -all be on top, as our friend Owen Moore might -remark.</p> - -<p>Everyone who has had any close association -with the premier song bird, Geraldine, loves -her. When she lived in Hollywood her sweet -strains were heard as early as five and six -o’clock in the morning. Often she was up at -daybreak to practice for a concert tour. Frequently -she arrived at the studio before eight -o’clock and played all day and in the evening -entertained friends with opera selections. In -spite of the very busy life she led, Mrs. Tellegen -(Geraldine Farrar) always was good natured -and radiant with enthusiasm, and she has been -placed among America’s most remarkable -women. Geraldine has never been known to -“high-tone” studio menials, and it is said that -Geraldine is of a forgiving nature for any -flirting by Lou when they are apart, but that -she insisted on Tellegen keeping to the home -fireside when they were lucky enough to be in -the same city. There is much speculation as -to the final outcome of the Tellegen and Farrar -ventures.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Agony Column</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(From London Winning Post.)</p> - -<p class="sans"><i>Author, command of scathing English, would write memoirs -for any Lady or Gentleman in society wishing to pay off old scores.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">The old-fashioned mother who used to be a clinging -vine now has a daughter who has no more clinging qualities -than a sapling.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Truth at Last</h3> - -<p>During the week of the Fair there occurred -an incident which is worth recording. A big -six-foot bully was shooting off his mouth in the -rotunda of a hotel, evidently having had a -snifter or two, announcing that he could lick -anybody in sight. A quiet little man came -from a seat in the corner, and, walking straight -up to the giant, called him a four-flusher. The -bully thereupon handed the little man a biff on -the jaw, a smash between the eyes and lifted -him two feet off the floor with an uppercut. -The little man was carried upstairs and put to -bed.</p> - -<p>(We apologize for the unhappy ending of -this story, realizing that it should have been -the other way about. But truth must prevail -in these columns at all costs.)—Bob Edwards’ -Book.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>This Ain’t So Good</h3> - -<p>“Wait a minute, lady,” said the garage -attendant. “You owe us a dollar and a half—your -battery was fixed. Pay me please.”</p> - -<p>“Indeed,” snorted the fair driver, “my -husband told me to have it charged!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“The doctor says you may have a little -whisky. He says the dose will be—”</p> - -<p>“Never mind what he says. I know all about -the dose.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Limber Kicks</h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Revamped Neckery</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The other night I met a girl,</div> -<div class="verse">She was dressed without a speck;</div> -<div class="verse">A clean white dress and nice white shoes—</div> -<div class="verse">But, oh, my Gosh, her neck!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Cheer Up!</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller bold"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">It’s the songs you sing,</div> -<div class="verse">And the smiles you wear,</div> -<div class="verse">That’s making the sunshine</div> -<div class="verse">Everywhere.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>“Hurry Now!”</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>The tempting curve of your full, sweet lip,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Shows you full ripe, and well should you be tasted,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Make use of time, let not advantage slip;</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Beauty within itself should not be wasted:</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Fair flowers that are not gathered in their prime,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Rot and consume themselves in little time.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Best Firm</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Sherwood.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A pretty good firm is Watch & Waite,</div> -<div class="verse">And another is Attit, Early & Layte;</div> -<div class="verse">And still another is Doo & Dairet;</div> -<div class="verse">But the best is probably Grin & Barrett.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Sporty New Orleans</h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL</p> - -<p class="center">Pastor of People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn.</p> - -<p class="dropcap">If you want to take a course of study in the -liberal sciences of gayety and godlessness, -go to New Orleans, the Crescent City of -climate, Creole, carnival, cotton, conventions, -cane-sugar, cafes and cemeteries. Though -there are more than thirty grave-yards, it is -not a dead town. I found week-day races and -prize fights on Sunday, as well as other religious -services. It has been called the great winter -resort of the United States, and there are -enough “resorts” by day and night for all the -good and bad who care to patronize them.</p> - -<p>Pleasure is the big word in the dictionary of -New Orleans life. Her morals, as well as her -markets, are French. She is the commercial -gateway to the Panama Canal. Her citizens -have improved the city sewage and water -supply, paved the streets, erected fine hotels -and public buildings, and enlarged her port -facilities. If she mends her ways as much -morally, she will be a safe place for pious as -well as political and carnival celebrations.</p> - -<p>One night after I had taken in three dozen -oysters and washed them down with French<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> -drip coffee, I took in a night-court where people -of black skin were sentenced for cracking and -breaking some of the laws; a gambling-hell -where money was stacked up and pulled down -on the turn of a card; a cafe and cabaret where -the colored man was outshining his white -brother elsewhere; and then strolled through a -shady district of all shades of color and -character. The denizens of the vice dens -started a street fight. They threw stones and -shoes which I dodged, and hurled hard, vile -names which deeply impressed me. Girls, not -cursed with an incorruptible chastity, in -tempting dishabille, tripped along the street -and ogled me. The doors of some of these -places of contraband amusement were wide -open to welcome the visitor, while others were -shut and bore a placard with some such -reassuring information that “MABEL IS -ENGAGED—CALL LATER.” During the war -this Broadway to Baal, Avenue to Avernus, -Hell’s Highway, and Promenade to Perdition -was temporarily closed for moral repairs and -sanitary improvements. Degradation slope was -graded, and a curb set up for evil-doers. But -far be it from me to injure the reputation of -New Orleans for wantonness and frivolity. The -fact that these places were officially closed for -a while need not deter those who journey here -today for these simple pleasures, and from -easily finding them. No war order can change -the leopard spots of the city. The Epicurean -motto, “Let us eat, drink and be merry,”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span> -prevails according to time-honored custom. I -attended a theatre which offered a bill that -would not be tolerated in any other city of the -United States. Jokes and clothes were “pulled -off” in a way to make the blase blush.</p> - -<p>The Crescent City is cosmopolitan and has -all the races, but the most flourishing is the -horse-race. Betting was the main thing. The -horses were fast, but the women at the track -were faster. A petite Parisian petticoat -invited me to take her out here every day to -bet on the races—but I thought I better not. -During the Mardi Gras Waterloo’s “revelry by -night” was outdone. Streets were a riot of -rogues and rampant ribaldry a mad pageant -of music, masks and merriment, a mob of men -and maidens. Whatever the parade seemed to -be outside, it was plain the Devil’s spirit was -inside. If one is afflicted with naughty -propensities, this is a fine place to get rid of -them. I attended a Bal Masque. The manager -lamented the passing of the good old times -when drinks were allowed to be sold and -dancers got stewed, yet said his real estate -ventures in <b><i>maisons de joie</i></b> were flourishing. -The dancers, jumping to the accompaniment of -the jazz, acted no more like dancers than the -blare, blow and crash of the jazz seemed like -music. They jerked about like automatons and -marionettes, “hesitated” like victims of -locomotor-ataxia, hopped like grasshoppers, -and moved with a stop, spring and shuffle, a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> -squirm, a swerve, a swirl, a slide and a slip. It -was enough to make Terpsichore sick. The -players made hard work of it and the dancers -should have received good wages for such -strenuous labor, for it was simply a dance -“haul.”</p> - -<p>In New Orleans, earthly gastronomy and -not heavenly astronomy is the science most -studied in its “courses.” Many are the -toothsome taverns in this Lotus-eating town. -I remember one time-eaten cafe where there -was a di-“stink”-tive garlic atmosphere, and -where the soup was seasoned by falling plaster. -Over the tattered table-cloth, evidently changed -for every hundredth guest, French drip coffee -had dripped. Antique china and silver service -had served their day and long since should have -decorated the windows of a curio shop. It was -old with cracks, nicks and dents. What jokes -were cracked over them? What sweet stories -had the ears of the sugar-bowl listened to? -With what wide astonishment had the mouth -of the pitcher gasped at off-color stories? What -hands had caressed the neck of vinegar and oil -bottle? What cutting remarks and thrusts the -knives and forks suggested! What spooning of -callow couples the spoons had witnessed! The -table was superannuated, shaky on its pins, and -subject to ague-fits, while the chairs had felt -so many rounds of pleasure that they were -nearly all in with broken backs, twisted feet -and elliptical legs. The old lamps had looked<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span> -down on eyes of beauty whose light had been -shut out by death, and the weather-stained -walls echoed to steps that led down to the -grave.</p> - -<p>Passing through the French Market, with -its dingy stalls, dogs, dirt, cobwebs, spiders and -poverty, I came to the old Absinthe House, the -refuge rendezvous of the picturesque Bordeaux -blacksmith, pirate, smuggler and slave-trader, -Jean Lafitte, the bold, bad buccaneer who loved -beauty, booze, and blood, and had barrels of -money to spend for them. Standing at the little -old marble bar, I drank a befitting toast to his -memory in absinthe. “Look not upon the -absinthe when it is green,” yet I tasted it here -and in Paris, though never sufficiently to get -the full benefit of excitation, hallucination, -terrifying dreams, delirium and idiocy. I left -these spirits to call on those of the Haunted -House nearby where of yore colored slaves -were found mutilated, held in sharp, spiked -iron bands, and chained to the wall.</p> - -<p>The old time Southerners are gone. They -did not have five-reel thriller movies, horse -races, prize fights and carnivals, but they did -have some innocent pastimes with which their -simple natures were satisfied—pleasures that -beguiled the worn and weary hours. Public -executions and hangings were quite the rage -then; pirates were hung on the square for -decoration; the heads of negroes were stuck on -spikes at the city gates. At the Calabozo there<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> -were whipping posts and hot irons with which -the fleur de lis was burned on culprit’s -breaking some of the laws; a gambling-hell -where money was staked up and pulled down -shoulders. The only hangings I saw were of -idlers hanging around the corners. Then the -old Plaza was the center of social and -commercial life, military fete and the fate of -criminals who were shot, nailed alive in their -coffins, or slowly sawed in half. The attractions -were sometimes varied by hanging women on -the gallows and breaking men on the wheel.</p> - -<p>In those days there were no Sunday jazz -bands or vaudeville circuits, but in Congo -Square in the open air there were dancing -carnivals with half-naked girls, and real -Voodoo dancers at Ponchartrain, of the old -tom-tom fiddle and gourd drum variety, who -danced themselves crazy and fell into a frothy -fit.</p> - -<p>What modern social balls can compare with -the Indian balls where saffron sirens with -sweet look and voice led the dance through -love’s labyrinth of jealousy! Now there is -horse racing and private and polite gambling—then -there was wide open faro and roulette, -and later the Louisiana lottery.</p> - -<p>Women did not possess the face and figure -characteristic of modern New Orleans belles, -but there society was very select, in fact, they -were “selected” from hospitals and correction -homes. Later there came a shipment of “casket<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> -girls,” poor girls sent over from Paris by the -King as wives. They brought their trousseau -in a chest of clothes. This seems very primitive -to us now, yet today men pick wives no better -than these, and some they choose do not wear -clothes enough for a shroud in the coffin.</p> - -<p>The city was once a sink or swamp filled -with deported galley-slaves, trappers, miners, -gold hunters and soldiers whose profession was -dice, dueling and idleness. Today it is the big, -busy, commercial city of the South. Once there -was fever, filth and filibusters, but these things -are no longer in fashion. New Orleans now -buys white rice, cotton and sugar—in early -days she bought black slaves from San -Domingo and Guinea.</p> - -<p>Charles Lamb liked old things—he would -have enjoyed the old part of town with its -bizarre balconies, mountain-peaked roofs, hill-shaped -sheds, begrimed, battered stairways, -open flowery courts, shady portieres, quaint -doorways, and ramshackle, rickety rows of -houses marshalled on both sides of the streets -like awkward squads of soldiers. In the quiet -streets one looks in doorways where the -inhabitants, listless lazy lovers of pleasure, are -dozing away Life’s afternoon. Here you find -the beautiful and bewitching Creoles, coquettish -damsels whose baby years were cuddled and -cradled in sentimental songs such as “I love -you as a little pig loves the mud.”</p> - -<p>The pleasure-seeker is “stuck” on New<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> -Orleans with its lasses, molasses, lassitude and -laissez-faire morals.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Thash Our Stashon</h3> - -<p>The conductor and a brakeman on a Montana -railroad differ as to the proper pronunciation -of the name Eurelia. Passengers are often -startled upon arrival at the station to hear -the conductor yell, “You’re a liar, you’re a liar.” -Then from the brakeman at the other end comes -the cry, “You really are, you really are.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Lawn Mower Missionaries</h3> - -<p>In the South Sea Islands women are arrayed -in grass aprons, but after while the missionaries -will invade their peaceful haunts and they -won’t wear much but the garb of civilization.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>No Indian to Guide Her</h3> - -<p>Following the example of Clara Hamon, -Mrs. Stillman, of divorce fame, is being offered -a starring contract in the movies. How about -a nice feature film such as “No Indian to Guide -Her?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Why, of Course Not</h3> - -<p>“Bullet Strikes Girl’s Knee Without -Puncturing Skirt—Police Baffled,” says a -headline in the Philadelphia Record. The -police are so stupid!—Grand Rapids Press.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Whiz Bang Editorials</h2> - -<p class="by">“<i>The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet.</i>”</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Tiajuana is a small town in Mexico just -across the border from San Diego. It is -the Havana of the west coast. The other -day a theatre had just opened up to show the -films of the Carpentier-Dempsey fight when -the building caught fire and burned film and -all. It was a tough day for the movies also in -San Diego, for the “cops” at a nearby beach -resort chose the day for raiding a playhouse -that was screening a South American film -called “Adam and Eve.”</p> - -<p>According to the police there was an undue -exposure of the feminine anatomy in the case -of Eve. Mebbe so! We have not had the -pleasure of seeing this tid-bit. But, it must -have been some exposure if it had anything on -the Aphrodite of the galleries and the halls of -sculpture that are accepted as the product of -“Art” and held immune from the incongruous -draperies of Gothic prudery.</p> - -<p>On our bathing beaches, too, everything goes -on and off, and more than mere legs is visible<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> -to the naked eye unashamed. Why then, is the -feminine form divine the most indecent product -of the Creator’s handiwork? We have asked -Gus and he says that all the girls of his -acquaintance are bow-legged. That lets Gus -out of the symposium. Perhaps some of the -prude morality mongers can enlighten a poor, -hard-working farmer from Robbinsdale.</p> - -<p>Feminine modesty may be only shoe-high -and roll-top stockings an incitement to -masculine pruriency—but, thank heaven, most -of us are not fashioned that way. The censorial -Puritan may blush like an over-ripe tomato at -the complete revelation of the feminine knee-joint.</p> - -<p>However, no masculine connoisseur is -going to do an emotional handspring over -such a trivial, especially when it is common -observation that three-quarters of the lower -quarters, and other quarters that one sees -parading down Main street nowadays, are too -fat or too skinny or too gnarled to raise much -of a ripple on a regular guy’s masculinity.</p> - -<p>Immodesty is a relative term and a silk -stocking, properly stocked, is not our idea of -indecency. Therefore, we don’t incline to the -grannies’ view that the bare leg on stage or -screen is immodest for the very reason that the -fat leg and the skinny leg and the bow-legged -leg don’t get there. Or, at least, they don’t stay -there long.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Why does a man, having spent his years -from the time of puberty to young -manhood in an orgy of flagrant living -and self-indulgence, demand of the honored girl -whom he makes his wife that she be of virginal -purity? And why in the name of all that is -civilized should he adhere to the idea that no -matter how degenerate he becomes, his wife -should bring to him an unimpeachable chastity?</p> - -<p>Our average young wife seeker, following -the action of Diogenes, conducts a vigilant -search and after a time he finds the girl who -is his conception of the perfect feminine and -marries this most fortunate young lady. Then -in the course of events he discovers or thinks -he discovers a shadow in his wife’s early career, -a shadow occurring before he illuminated with -his presence the horizon of her life.</p> - -<p>In a great display of righteous indignation -he rises upon his hind legs, lays back his ears -and in a loud voice fairly quivering with holy -wrath and outraged decency, he verbally and -sometimes physically flays his wife.</p> - -<p>And then to secure balm for his wounded -spirit he hies himself with all possible haste to -the divorce courts, where he assures the world -that he is a worthy young man of impeccable -character; that he, a paragon of virtue, has -been tricked into a marriage with a creature of -the streets and that he is ineradicably -besmirched. Is he not a member in high<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> -standing of the Y.M.C.A. and the B.Y.P.U. -and therefore blameless?</p> - -<p>After he has succeeded in establishing his -claim to godliness through the process of -dragging his wife’s name through the mire of -the courts he feels the need of consolation; so -cranking his trusty automobile, he flivvers -down some shady avenue, inviting passing -flappers to share the honor of his society and -the pleasure of his car.</p> - -<p>Puritanically speaking, such a standard of -morality was considered quite the proper -thing but Puritanism flourished during the -sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, which time -incidentally, is far removed from the present.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Far be it from us to harp too much on -styles. We believe if a girl has shapely -limbs and a sparkling pair of eyes she -has as much right to show one as the other and -as an anonymous writer in a Minneapolis -newspaper says, “There is no such thing as -immodest dress—it is all in the mind.”</p> - -<p>Samuel Butler says: “Even Euclid had to -assume something before he could prove -anything. Truly we live by faith.” Thus it -can be said that it is all in the mind. But I -do submit that what a thing is to anyone, lies -in his reaction or response to it not in the thing -itself. If in a painting, a statue or a shapely -pair of legs beneath a short skirt, one person -sees only the beauty, an esthetic reaction to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> -grace, perfect proportion or symmetry, while -another “sees red.” Where lies the cause? The -object viewed is the same. Therefore, as -someone so aptly put it, “it is all in the eyes -of the beholder.”</p> - -<p>If short skirts and low necks arouse sex -instincts, why howl about it? Rather be happy -in the knowledge that one is normal, for the -sex instinct is a natural one. When sex desire -stops, the physical manifestations of life will -cease. Those thoughts may require self-control, -but since that element is a necessary -concomitant to civilized society, the exercise -of it will be beneficial. The trend of human -progress, while almost imperceptible, appears -to be toward the ideal in human relations and -away from the cocoanut throwing hit-her-on-the-head-with-a-club -status, and if some men -can’t withstand the sight of bare knees they -are insufficiently advanced in the scale of -civilization.</p> - -<p>Which brings us to a quotation by -Stevenson, that all reformers and custodians of -the neighbors’ morals would do well to heed. -It is: “There is an idea abroad among moral -people that they should make their neighbors -good. One person I have to make good—myself. -But my duty to my neighbor is much -more nearly expressed by saying that I have -to make him happy if I may.” Live and let -live.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Smokehouse Poetry</h2> - -</div> - -<p><i>The December Smokehouse Poetry section of the Whiz -Bang will feature “Ten Years On the Islands” by an anonymous -writer, and the old masterpiece “The Spirit of -Mortal,” and don’t forget, folk, that the Winter Annual of -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, which is now on sale, contains -the greatest collection of lively poetry ever published in a -single book.</i></p> - -<h3>Down In the Lehigh Valley</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Let me sit down a minute stranger,</div> -<div class="verse">I ain’t done a thing to you</div> -<div class="verse">You needn’t start your cussing,</div> -<div class="verse">A stone got in my shoe.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yes, I’m a tramp, what of it?</div> -<div class="verse">Some folks say we’re no good,</div> -<div class="verse">But a tramp has to live I reckon,</div> -<div class="verse">Though they say we never should.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Once I was young and handsome,</div> -<div class="verse">Had plenty of cash and clothes,</div> -<div class="verse">But that was before I tripped,</div> -<div class="verse">And gin colored up my nose.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">It was down in Lehigh Valley</div> -<div class="verse">Me and my people grew</div> -<div class="verse">I was the village blacksmith</div> -<div class="verse">Yes, and a good one, too.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Me and my daughter Nellie,</div> -<div class="verse">Nellie was just sixteen,</div> -<div class="verse">And she was the prettiest creature,</div> -<div class="verse">The valley had ever seen.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Beaus she had a dozen,</div> -<div class="verse">They came from near and far.</div> -<div class="verse">But most of them were farmers,</div> -<div class="verse">And none of them suited her.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Along came a stranger,</div> -<div class="verse">Young, handsome, straight and tall,</div> -<div class="verse">Damn him, I wish I had him,</div> -<div class="verse">Strangled against that wall.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He was the man for Nellie,</div> -<div class="verse">Nellie knew no ill,</div> -<div class="verse">Her mother tried to tell her,</div> -<div class="verse">But you know how young girls will.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Well, it’s the same old story,</div> -<div class="verse">Common enough you’ll say,</div> -<div class="verse">He was a smooth tongued devil,</div> -<div class="verse">And he got her to run away.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">It was less than a month later,</div> -<div class="verse">That we heard from the poor young thing;</div> -<div class="verse">He had gone away and left her,</div> -<div class="verse">Without a wedding ring.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Back to our home we brought her,</div> -<div class="verse">Back to her mother’s side,</div> -<div class="verse">Filled with a raging fever,</div> -<div class="verse">She fell at our feet and died.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Frantic with grief and trouble,</div> -<div class="verse">Her mother began to sink,</div> -<div class="verse">Dead in less than a fortnight,</div> -<div class="verse">That’s why I took to drink.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Give me a drink bartender,</div> -<div class="verse">And I’ll be on my way,</div> -<div class="verse">I’ll tramp till I find that scoundrel,</div> -<div class="verse">If it takes till judgment day.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Who Wrote This Crazy Thing?</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>If you and I were caught in a raging wind,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And our ship wrecked on a deserted land,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>I’d build you a hut on its furthest end,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And treat you as if you were a man.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Your Letter, Lady, Came Too Late</h3> - -<p><i>The following beautiful and touching lines were written -during the Civil War by an officer of the Confederate army, -at the time a prisoner on Johnson Island. A young Georgian, -when the war broke out, was engaged to be married to the -most beautiful and brilliant belle of Savannah, but died in -captivity. While he lay dead, a letter came from this young -lady to her late lover. It was a cruel, cold, heartless letter, -altogether different in tone and in manner from any she ever -had written to him. She spoke of brilliant balls she had -lately dealt with, unconcealed rapture upon the innumerable -perfections of a certain colonel of General Wheeler’s staff—of -his manly form, his exquisite dancing, his marvelous conversational -powers—closing with these chilling words: -“Respectfully, Virginia.” Hitherto she had ended her letters -with: “Your own devoted and faithful Virginia.” This letter -was received at the prison a few hours after the death of him -to whom it was addressed, and replied to by his comrade as -follows:</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<p class="center sans">By Colonel W. S. Hawkins</p> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Your letter, Lady, came too late,</div> -<div class="verse">For Heaven had claimed its own.</div> -<div class="verse">Ah, sudden change from prison bars,</div> -<div class="verse">Unto the great white throne.</div> -<div class="verse">And yet I think that he would have</div> -<div class="verse">To live his disdain.</div> -<div class="verse">Could he have read the careless words</div> -<div class="verse">Which you have sent in vain.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So full of patience did he wait</div> -<div class="verse">Through many weary an hour.</div> -<div class="verse">That o’er his simple soldier face,</div> -<div class="verse">Not even death had power;</div> -<div class="verse">And you, did others whisper low,</div> -<div class="verse">Their homage in your ears.</div> -<div class="verse">And through their shadowy tongue,</div> -<div class="verse">His spirit had appeared.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I would that you were by me now</div> -<div class="verse">To draw the sheets aside,</div> -<div class="verse">And to see how pure the look he wore,</div> -<div class="verse">The moment that he died.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -<div class="verse">That sorrow that you gave him</div> -<div class="verse">Has left its weary trace,</div> -<div class="verse">Ah, ’twas the shadow of the cross</div> -<div class="verse">Upon his pallid face.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Her love,” he said, “could change for me</div> -<div class="verse">The cold into the spring,”</div> -<div class="verse">Ah, trust the fickle maiden’s love</div> -<div class="verse">Thou art a bitter thing.</div> -<div class="verse">For when these valley’s bright, in May</div> -<div class="verse">Once more with blossoms wave,</div> -<div class="verse">The northern violets shall blow</div> -<div class="verse">Above his humble grave.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Your dole of scanty words had been</div> -<div class="verse">One more pang to bear,</div> -<div class="verse">For who kissed until the last</div> -<div class="verse">Your tresses of golden hair?</div> -<div class="verse">I did not put it where he said</div> -<div class="verse">For when the angels come,</div> -<div class="verse">I would not let them find the sign</div> -<div class="verse">Of falsehood in the tomb.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I see you better, and I know</div> -<div class="verse">The wiles that you have wrought,</div> -<div class="verse">To win that noble heart of his,</div> -<div class="verse">And gained it—cruel thought.</div> -<div class="verse">What lavish wealth some men sometimes give</div> -<div class="verse">For what is worthless all,</div> -<div class="verse">What manly bosoms beat for them</div> -<div class="verse">Is follies falsest thrall.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">You shall not pity him, for now</div> -<div class="verse">His sorrows have an end,</div> -<div class="verse">Yet, would that you could stand with me</div> -<div class="verse">Beside your fallen friend.</div> -<div class="verse">And I forgive you for his sake,</div> -<div class="verse">As he—if it be given—</div> -<div class="verse">May be even pleading grace for you</div> -<div class="verse">Before the Court of Heaven.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Tonight the cold winds whistle by,</div> -<div class="verse">As I my vigil keep,</div> -<div class="verse">Within the death house of the prison,</div> -<div class="verse">Where few mourners come to weep;</div> -<div class="verse">A rude plank coffin hold his form,</div> -<div class="verse">Yet death exalts his face,</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> -<div class="verse">And I would rather see him thus,</div> -<div class="verse">Than clasped in your embrace.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Tonight your home may shine with lights</div> -<div class="verse">And ring with merry songs,</div> -<div class="verse">And you be smiling as though your soul</div> -<div class="verse">Ha done no deathly wrong.</div> -<div class="verse">Your hands so fair, none would think</div> -<div class="verse">Had penned these words of pain,</div> -<div class="verse">Your skin so white, would God, your heart</div> -<div class="verse">Were half so free from stain.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I’d rather be my comrade dead</div> -<div class="verse">Than you in life supreme;</div> -<div class="verse">For you’re the sinner’s walking dread</div> -<div class="verse">And in the Martyr’s dreams.</div> -<div class="verse">Whom serve we in this, we serve</div> -<div class="verse">In that which is to come,</div> -<div class="verse">He chose his way, you yours, let God</div> -<div class="verse">Pronounce the fighting done.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Bein’ Human</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Bill Stinger.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">God made us human bein’s, but, often, we will find</div> -<div class="verse">That few are bein’ human if we scrutinize mankind—</div> -<div class="verse">There’s a lot of folks pretendin’ till their lives are out of joint,</div> -<div class="verse">With the things that bust the heartstrings, burn the soul, and disappoint.</div> -<div class="verse">And, instead of bein’ natural, jist the way God meant ’em to,</div> -<div class="verse">They are losing all life’s rapture apin’ what the others do.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Bein’ human is a practice that jist everlastin’ pays,</div> -<div class="verse">In peace, and love, and fellowship through all the livelong days.</div> -<div class="verse">Makes folks trust you for they sense it that your inner self is true,</div> -<div class="verse">So you’ll find ’em all a-feelin’ like confidin’ lots in you—</div> -<div class="verse">While it pays another’s virtues fur to try to emulate.</div> -<div class="verse">You’ll have to be your honest self if ever you are great.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There’s no folly like the folly of the fool who tries to be,</div> -<div class="verse">Like some other feller’s pattern, in exact conformity—</div> -<div class="verse">Be yourself, there’s no way tellin’, mebbe it was in the plan,</div> -<div class="verse">Fur yourself to be the makin’ of superior kind of man.</div> -<div class="verse">Anyway there’s joy and laughter put in every feller’s lot,</div> -<div class="verse">If he’ll only quit pretendin’ he is sumpin he is not.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>God’s Richest Blessing</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Backward, turn backward, Oh, time in your flight,</div> -<div class="verse">Give us a maiden with skirts not so tight</div> -<div class="verse">Give us a girl whose charms many or few,</div> -<div class="verse">Are not exposed by so much peek-a-boo.</div> -<div class="verse">Give us a maiden no matter what age,</div> -<div class="verse">Who won’t use the street for a vaudeville stage.</div> -<div class="verse">Give us a girl not so sharply in view,</div> -<div class="verse">Dress her in skirts that the sun won’t shine through.</div> -<div class="verse">Then give us the dances of days long gone by,</div> -<div class="verse">With plenty of clothes and steps not so high.</div> -<div class="verse">Take away turkey-trot, capers, and butter-milk glide</div> -<div class="verse">The hurdy-gurdy twist, and wiggle-tail slide.</div> -<div class="verse">Then let us feast our tired optics once more</div> -<div class="verse">On a genuine woman as sweet as of yore.</div> -<div class="verse">Yes time, please turn back and grant our request,</div> -<div class="verse">For God’s richest blessing, but not one undressed.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>What Every Girl Thinks</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse indent1">There’s a little bit of Devil in the swagger of your walk,</div> -<div class="verse">There’s a little bit of Devil in your sigh.</div> -<div class="verse indent1">There’s a little bit of Devil in your senseless loving talk,</div> -<div class="verse">There’s a Devil in your laughing, teasing eye.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse indent1">There’s a little bit of angel in the way you love a girl,</div> -<div class="verse">With a reverence that Woman claims her due.</div> -<div class="verse indent1">There’s a little bit of Angel in the way you would protect,</div> -<div class="verse">Love, and keep her and be tender, kind and true.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse indent1">Now this Being, Imp and Angel, is a puzzle, I’ll admit,</div> -<div class="verse">Guess the answer, Gentle Reader, if you can.</div> -<div class="verse indent1">How this queer old combination makes you thrill with admiration,</div> -<div class="verse">When you find this Angel-Devil is a Man.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>If</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If she didn’t have her hair bobbed,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">If she didn’t daub with paint,</div> -<div class="verse">If she had her dresses made to reach</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To where the dresses ain’t,</div> -<div class="verse">If she didn’t have that baby voice,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And spoke just as she should;</div> -<div class="verse">Don’t you think she’d be as popular?</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I hardly think she would.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Naughty New York</h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Doug and Mary and Charley almost made -Broadway forget to curse the landlords.</p> - -<p>The wildest crowd I have seen in New -York since Armistice Day was the gang that -jammed into Forty-second Street the day that -Fairbanks’ movie, “The Musketeers,” opened. -Taxi cabs had to stop a block away and let the -passengers fight their way into the theatre if -they could.</p> - -<p>I saw two girls shove Jack Dempsey out of -the way to get a look at Doug and his wife. -They just dug their little elbows into the -illustrious ribs of the Champ, and rough housed -him to one side out of their line of vision. I -guess the Fairbanks family can consider this -to be about the summit of human fame. I once -saw a big crowd run away from a reception to -the President of the United States, leaving that -august personage talking to the empty air in -order to see a heavy weight champion; but I -never imagined that anything could take a -crowd away from a champ. Compared to -Doug and Mary as rival attractions, Dempsey -was nothing but a broad back that was difficult -to see around.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p> - -<p>I’m telling you the truth, children. The -day that Doug and Mary went to Boston, the -crowds lined the railroad track at every station -as though it were the Royal Mogul passing by.</p> - -<p>Charley Chaplin didn’t register very heavily—except -in the newspapers. The truth is -painful, but must be told. Charles was lost in -the shuffle. It wasn’t “his stuff” as the -newspaper men say.</p> - -<p>The night the show opened, Douglas, finding -it hard to make a way through the crowd, -picked Mary Pickford up on his shoulder and -bucked his way through like a football half -back. Charley couldn’t very well pick up Jack -Dempsey on his shoulder so he played second -fiddle.</p> - -<p>I don’t know what’s the matter with Charley. -His divorce suit must have been a shattering -experience. His hair is growing gray around -the edges, and his nerves seem on the raw edge. -One day he was being interviewed by a gang of -reporters in his suite at his New York hotel, -and nearly chewed off the head of one of the -newspaper men who asked him with what -American he compared Lenin, the Bolshevist.</p> - -<p>Without warning, Charles tore into the -reporter and handed him a cutting rebuke for -his stupidity. He talked scornfully about “you -Americans”—which is poor stuff for Charley.</p> - -<p>To tell the truth, I thought he was going -to cry. And I guess he wasn’t far from it. -Charley told me afterward that his nerves are<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> -in such a condition that he weeps at the -slightest excuse.</p> - -<p>He should have taken a lesson from his -former bride, Mildred Harris.</p> - -<p>One of the actors told me about the weeps -of the former Mrs. Chaplin. Not long ago she -was working in a picture under one of the De -Milles. Finding her exasperating, the director -lost his temper and fairly lashed her with his -tongue. Through the tirade, Miss Harris calmly -kept on “making up.” While he was generally -going over her sins of omission and commission, -she was carefully penciling her eyebrows, -looking sidewise into the mirror, the way they -do. When he got down to purple-faced bellows -of rage, she was going over her lips with the -lip stick. When he was generally giving an -explosive review of the ground he had already -covered, the lady was giving a final dab just -over her eye lids. Having given herself a final -and critical survey in her pocket mirror and -finding the job was worthy of her O.K., she -proceeded softly to cry at the director’s -remarks. She believes in taking up things in -their systematic and proper rotation.</p> - -<p>Chaplin speaks bitterly of his married life -and at the same time glares with melancholy -rage and dismay at his first gray hairs. The -first time the newspaper photographers took -his picture on his arrival in New York, he -asked them with alarmed solicitude to retouch -the plates so his gray hairs would not show.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> - -<p>The movie people in New York feel -somewhat dismayed because of Charley’s -interview with a British newspaper man -regarding Fatty Arbuckle and the killing of -Virginia Rappe in San Francisco.</p> - -<p>The disposition of the movie actors on -Broadway is to pile the guilt of every movie -scandal that has occurred since the beginning -of time upon Fatty’s robust shoulders and let -him sink.</p> - -<p>I was amused, however, when “Pathe” -Lehrmann rushed into the New York papers -after the killing and raved for a couple of -columns upon the deplorable condition of -Fatty’s morals in relation to women. It seems -that “Pathe” was engaged to the deceased -young lady. He is now Owen Moore’s director -at a studio in this city.</p> - -<p>Among the several things, that “Pathe” says -about Fatty Arbuckle is that Fatty used to -clean spittoons in Arizona. “This,” remarks -“Pathe” witheringly, “Is what happens when -we take people out of the gutter and make them -millionaires.”</p> - -<p>Well, maybe so; maybe so. But I have a -distinct recollection of “Pathe” Lehrmann -before he got into the Rolls-Royce class.</p> - -<p>In an east side lodging house, Lehrmann is -not so very convincing as the one to stare -coldly at Fatty across the cold chasm of class -inferiority.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> - -<p>As far as Fatty Arbuckle goes—Alas, poor -Yorick, I knew him well! He is neither the -frightful monster painted by the agitated Herr -Lehrmann, nor yet the “clear white inside” -person described by the emotional ex-husband -of Miss Harris.</p> - -<p>Fatty is an ignorant fat boy with a natural -impulse to be funny. As a clown, he is there a -million. As a millionaire, he is about as -convincing as a louse on the shoulders of a -decollette heiress. He just doesn’t belong there.</p> - -<p>As to the spittoons of the Arizona saloon, -well, somebody had to clean ’em. I hope he -cleaned them well.</p> - -<p>It was Fatty’s misfortune that he was not -able to hush up his scandal as the scandal of -Zelda Crosby was hushed up recently in New -York.</p> - -<p>Zelda Crosby was a young scenario writer. -When she was about fifteen years old she -happened to be invited to a jazz party given by -a well known movie star in New York. One -of the guests at the party was a “fillum” -magnate known over the world for his -campaign for purity, etc., in the films.</p> - -<p>He took the little girl under the protection -of his influence. She developed a flare for -writing and he gave her an important job as a -scenario writer.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>This row of stars means the usual thing -that they mean in romances.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<p>Well, after a while, the girl, who was now in -her twenties, realized that he was slipping -away from her. She accused him of having -met another girl for whom he cared more than -for her. Incidentally, he was a married man, -but that didn’t count.</p> - -<p>The film magnate renewed his protestations -to her; but began to find fault with the quality -of her scenario work. Then one day the little -girl went into the bath room and tipped up a -bottle of poison and that was the end.</p> - -<p>Well, not quite the end. A girl friend of -hers began to talk at a party. She began to -tell some very dangerous things she knew of. -It happened that this girl’s name is the same -as that of a great screen star.</p> - -<p>In a panic the film magnate heard what was -said at the party. He hurried off to the -astonished star a telegram threatening openly -to ruin her entire screen career if she ever -opened her mouth again about this scandal. -Her indignant reply disclosed to the magnate -that he had sent a telegram to the wrong girl -by mistake.</p> - -<p>Then, brethren, there was truly a fine -howdydo, and it all came out in the papers—at -least some of it did.</p> - -<p>One young man—a journalist hanging on -the ragged edge of decency, stated that he had -some inside facts and intended to bring the -whole thing out in a grand jury investigation. -But he never got to the grand jury and the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> -whole thing was suddenly hushed up. I leave it -to you to imagine what happened.</p> - -<p>It looks like a rotten year for the theatre -business—and perhaps for other business.</p> - -<p>At this writing there is not one legitimate -show in New York doing any business. “Six -Cylinder Love,” a comedy about a family which -buys an automobile before they can really -afford to do so, is supposed to be the one big hit -of New York and it has already been forced to -take blocks of its tickets over to the reduced -rate ticket office to be sold at a discount.</p> - -<p>Already, with the season hardly started, the -beach is strewn with wrecks. One month, after -the opening of the season, some nineteen shows -had gone broke and had been taken off.</p> - -<p>To be honest about it, I think most of -the nineteen richly deserved it. For some -unaccountable reason, nearly all the shows are -infernally talky this year. The curtain goes -up on a pair of people who gabble at you over -the footlights until you have the blind staggers. -When they—and you—are groggy, another pair -take up the talk fest. Nothing ever happens -but chatter. This is supposed to be the new -“literal” and “realistic” school.</p> - -<p>The high brow authors contend that their -characters gabble over nothing for hours in -real life; therefore, they should gabble by the -hour about nothing in mimic life. By the same -token I dare say they will show them putting -hair lotion on their bald spots and trimming<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> -their corns and performing the other manifest, -but not thrilling or interesting, duties of life.</p> - -<p>If we are going to be realistic, b’gosh let’s -be really so.</p> - -<p>One of the few real successes of the theatre -season is a coy and refined young comedy for -the pure and young; it is called “Finding -Gertie’s Garter.”</p> - -<p>Al Woods, the promoter thereof, cheerfully -admits all the rough things the papers and the -preachers say about it. Al says that last year -he listened to the critics who spurred him on -to do his duty toward art and refinement. -Result, he lost $75,000 on two high-brow plays. -Hereafter, he is for bedroom farces “first, last -and alla time” as politicians say.</p> - -<p>Which brings us to Irving Berlin, the song -writer who is just about to blossom out as a -producer with a beautiful theatre of his own.</p> - -<p>Irving began where Fatty Arbuckle did—or -nearly there. He was a waiter and song -shouter in a tough cafe on the East Side.</p> - -<p>In Berlin’s case, however, he went steadfastly -to work and began writing songs. At -first he sang his own songs in the cafe; then -he got them published. Now he is a millionaire -and has the additional distinction of being one -of the men who were engaged to Constance -Talmadge before she was carried off by a -fascinating Greek millionaire.</p> - -<p>In fact, Irving was the last of the jilted -ones. He got his dismissal from Connie down<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> -in Florida. When he came back nursing -bruised and broken love hopes some one asked -him about the climate in Florida.</p> - -<p>“Fine air I hear, Irving?” said the friend.</p> - -<p>“Yes” said Irving, “And I got the air.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oh, Cholly!</h3> - -<p>Gwendolyn—“This is my beau’s birthday, -but I don’t know what present to give him.”</p> - -<p>Susie—“Give him a book.”</p> - -<p>“But he already has a book.”</p> - -<p>“Give him a box of cigars.”</p> - -<p>“But he doesn’t smoke.”</p> - -<p>“Give him a case of Near Beer.”</p> - -<p>“But he doesn’t drink.”</p> - -<p>“Well, if that’s the sort of guy he is, you’d -better send him a kimona.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>An Irishman’s Toast</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Whisky, you are me darlint’,</div> -<div class="verse">I love you both early and late,</div> -<div class="verse">You above all other liquors</div> -<div class="verse">I pledge me whole estate.</div> -<div class="verse">If I were as low as a beggar,</div> -<div class="verse">You’d make me as high as a king,</div> -<div class="verse">And whisky, when you’re in me tummy,</div> -<div class="verse">I rattle, I roar, and I sing.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Brigham Young would rejoice in present -day styles. A bolt of gingham would go almost -around the family.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Embolusing the Thrombosis</h3> - -<p>Question (to doctor on witness stand in -murder case)—“Just tell the jury what, in your -opinion, caused the death of the late Mr. -Scrapple.”</p> - -<p>Answer—“Well, when deceased laid down his -full house with buoyancy of spirit and was -about to reach for the pot, the accused, Mr. -Jopkins, cried out, ‘Hold on! What’s the matter -with them four treys?’ This sudden cessation -of undue elation on the part of the late Mr. -Scrapple created an anti-climax and caused the -blood of the myocardium to go galloping round -and round the heart, thus supercharging the -pulmonary arteries until the renal, splenic and -cerebral vessels went to pieces and left the -embolus lodging crosswise against the primary -thrombosis. Thus it is self-evident that the -booze he had obviously been imbibing became -partially coagulated, forming an aneurism -which brought about a spiflication of the sine -quo non. This would, I think, be sufficient to -cause death.”</p> - -<p>His Honor—“I think so, too.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Good Evening, Bartender!</h3> - -<p>Boyce—I was arrested last night for -impersonating an officer.</p> - -<p>Royce—What did you do?</p> - -<p>Boyce—I knocked at a side door and drank -the slug of hootch they handed out.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Pasture Pot Pourri</h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Sniff, Sniff</h3> - -<p><i>The following poem was written originally on tissue -paper with a wire nail.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I was born about ten thousand years ago.</div> -<div class="verse">There isn’t a doggone thing that I don’t know.</div> -<div class="verse">I played “ring around the roses,”</div> -<div class="verse">With Peter, Paul, and Moses,</div> -<div class="verse">And I’ll choke the guy that says it isn’t so.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I once saw Satan as he looked the garden o’er.</div> -<div class="verse">I saw Adam and Eve kicked out of the garden door.</div> -<div class="verse">Through the bushes I was peeking</div> -<div class="verse">At the apple they were eating,</div> -<div class="verse">And I’ll swear I was the guy who ate the core.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Queen Elizabeth she fell in love with me.</div> -<div class="verse">We were married in Milwaukee secretly.</div> -<div class="verse">I tired of her and shook her</div> -<div class="verse">And went with General Hooker</div> -<div class="verse">To fight mosquitoes down in Tennessee.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Whuzzat?</h3> - -<p>The Patagonian Pee Wee is now described -as a small bird of the Andes which stands on -its head during severe storms and huddles -under its feet.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>We are still looking for a mate to the gink -who quit drinking coffee because the spoon -handle hit his eye.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Such a busyness!</div> -<div class="verse">Such a blondeness!</div> -<div class="verse">Such a dizzyness!</div> -<div class="verse">Such a fondness!</div> -<div class="verse">Such a kissyness!</div> -<div class="verse">Wife’s on t’us!</div> -<div class="verse">Such a pretty mess!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>In the Day’s News</h3> - -<p>“The other day my mother sent me to the -grocery store for a pound of sugar. The grocer -did not have any on hand, so I went out. When -I got on the icy sidewalk I slipped and fell, but -I went home with some lumps anyway.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">“<i>Waiter, bring me a cup of coffee the color of my -girl’s neck.</i>”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>His Pathos Burning</h3> - -<p>“You know, folks, what makes me so late in -arriving at this party is that my mother lost -a lid off the kitchen range, and I had to sit on -the stove to keep the smoke in until she found -the lid.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Now, after the outburst of applause has subsided, we -will sing a song entitled, “Why the Corkscrew Has Lost -Its Pull,” written by William Jennings Bryan.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>Let us now sing another little song entitled, -“Mother, Hang Out the Service Flag; Father -Has Gone to Work Again.”</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">“How long,” she blushingly inquired, “Must one beat a cow -before she will give whipped cream?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Up to Date</h3> - -<p>He—Where is your husband?</p> - -<p>She—He went back to his wife.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Height of Piety</h3> - -<p class="smaller">Out in San Francisco is a Scotch woman who is so -religious that she will not give the children medicine on -Saturday night for fear it will work on Sunday.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>Our idea of tough luck is to work for your -board and then lose your appetite.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">I asked her why she wore socks and she said they -were not socks; that they were stockings, and she had -water on the knee which caused her stockings to shrink.</p> - -<p class="smaller">I suppose her bobbed hair was caused by water on -the brain.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>Every young man believes in the advice -“Begin at the Bottom” when looking over the -feminine parade down the street.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>My father was killed in a feud.</p> - -<p>I never would ride in one of those cheap -cars.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Another suitor won her Hand, but I am trying to -win her Back.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Lead Me to It!</h3> - -<p>Advertisement on cover of movie magazine: -Picture of Billie Burke Inside. Who said -beauty is only skin deep?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We Printed This Before</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>I want a good girl and I want her bad.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Cut ’er Out, Dang!!</h3> - -<p>The man in the restaurant next to me made -so much noise drinking his coffee that a deaf -man in the front of the restaurant shouted -“Run for your lives, the dam has broken!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>A dog can bury a bone and go to sleep knowing his -“wife” won’t find it.</i></p> - -<p class="smaller"><i>But a man can’t get away with it, with a wife who goes -through his pockets.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>An Accommodating Judge</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(From the Creston Gazette.)</p> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p>The trial jurors called for the August term of the -district court in this county appeared this afternoon at -1:30 when court convened and were dismissed by District -Judge Evans until 9:00 A. M. tomorrow.</p> - -<p>Immediately after the dismissal of the jurors for the -day the equity case of Reid vs. Ternihan was taken up -and at the time of this paper going to press, was on trial -before Judge Evans.</p> - -<p>A number of jurors called for service this term asked -to be excused from duty and some were excused.</p> - -<p>One juror, a man, asked to be excused.</p> - -<p>“What are your reasons for wishing to be excused?” -asked Judge Evans.</p> - -<p>“I am needed at home,” the juror answered.</p> - -<p>“Who did you leave at home?” the judge asked.</p> - -<p>“My wife and—and—the hired man,” timidly replied -the juror.</p> - -<p>He was excused until Thursday morning.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Classified Ads</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Let Us Sing “Mother O’ Mine”</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(From Honolulu Advertiser.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Four sows with babies and 25 half-bredded Toggenberg -goats. M. Fernandez, Tenth Avenue, Palolo.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Joys of Waiters</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(From Honolulu Advertiser.)</p> - -<p class="sans">A working housekeeper is wanted to take charge of a small -hotel and two first-class waiters. Apply The Roselawn, 1366 S. -King street.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Frisco’s Sanitary Corps</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(From the San Francisco Examiner.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Would like to communicate with a lady that wants to make -money on a sanitary article for women, ranging from 14 years to 45. -I can not handle, but will co-operate. For further particulars, -write box 68898, Examiner.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Classified Special</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(From the Daily University Californian.)</p> - -<p class="sans">FOR RENT—One woman. Furnished room with sleeping porch; -beautiful view. Three blocks north of campus. 4695W.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pedigreed Bull</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(From Denver News and Times.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Well marked pedigreed Boston terrier puppies, sired by -Dinty Moore. 1364 York St.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Going Out</h3> - -<p class="center smaller">(An Advertisement.)</p> - -<p class="sans">WANTED: Man to run a soft drink parlor out of town.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How’re Everythings?</h3> - -<p>A Boston youth is the hero of this account -in the “Globe”:</p> - -<p>His parents were what is known as -“high-brow,” but they also were good sports. -So, when he suggested taking them to a -restaurant in the market district of Boston, -they agreed.</p> - -<p>The mother’s exquisite clothes stamped her -as a society woman, but democracy reigns -supreme at the market restaurant.</p> - -<p>They sat down at the table. The waiter -handed the mother a menu and then leaned -confidentially forward over the back of the -chair and said:</p> - -<p>“Well, sister, what’s the good news?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Height of Sociability</h3> - -<p>Virgil W. Church found a case containing -79 half pints of bonded whisky on his farm -near here. He notified the police.—Michigan -City (Ind.) Dispatch.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Tough Guys</h3> - -<p>A couple of darkies argued on the street—</p> - -<p>“If yo go with dat gal, I’ll cut yo up in -pieces so small a ant kin swaller yo.”</p> - -<p>“If yo do I’ll hit yo so ha’d it will make a -bump on yo haid so big that when dey call the -ambulance dey will put the bump inside and -yo’all will have to walk.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Overheard in a Hospital</h3> - -<p>A negress rolled her eyes heavenward and -exclaimed: “Oh, Lawd if dis am a sample ob -married life, I’se glad I’se only engaged.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Homeopathic Dose</h3> - -<p>Jazzbo—Please, Mistah Bahbah, I’d like a -nickel’s worth o’ hair tonic.</p> - -<p>Barber—What in the world do you want -with a nickel’s worth for when it’s selling for a -dollar a pint? Want to restore the eyebrows -on a flea?</p> - -<p>Jazzbo—Nossuh nossuh. Wanta fix mah -watch. It’s got a speck o’ dandruff in the hair -spring.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Fleas Be Fleas</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If flies are flies,</div> -<div class="verse">Because they fly,</div> -<div class="verse">And fleas are fleas</div> -<div class="verse">Because they flee,</div> -<div class="verse">Then bees are bees</div> -<div class="verse">Because they be.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Quick, Doctor!</h3> - -<p>An inquisitive maiden lady, touring -Yellowstone Park came to the boiling lake.</p> - -<p>“Say, Mr. Guide, does this lake ever freeze?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes, it froze a thin coat of ice last -winter and a young lady went skating on it. -She broke through the ice and scalded her -foot.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Life of the Party</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>When Roscoe Arbuckle was star in “The Life of the -Party,” the film adapted from Irving Cobb’s Saturday Evening -Post yarn, little did he realize that he would play a similar role -in real life. Poet Gordon tells about it in these verses.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<p class="center sans">By R. C. Gordon.</p> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A certain film comedian, who gave the world much fun,</div> -<div class="verse">Whose actual weight in flesh and bones is somewhere near a ton,</div> -<div class="verse">Thought he, too, should laugh a bit, and have a little play;</div> -<div class="verse">His chosen date, so I am told, was on last Labor Day.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He sent out invitations to his numerous actor friends,</div> -<div class="verse">And said if thou wouldst have some fun, wilst thou then attend?</div> -<div class="verse">Attend they did, and fun they had, and everything went well</div> -<div class="verse">Until one girl, from a nearby room, from pains began to yell.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Roscoe hurt me badly, I can hardly get my breath,”</div> -<div class="verse">But the drunks paid no attention—they had no thought of death.</div> -<div class="verse">She asked them for a doctor and still they paid no mind,</div> -<div class="verse">Fun was on the rampage, the late pajama kind.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“They’re drinking up my liquor,” is the only thing he said,</div> -<div class="verse">And tried hard not to flicker when he found out she was dead.</div> -<div class="verse">Now in his cell he sits and moans and possibly might pray,</div> -<div class="verse">For he was “The Life of the Party” in his orgy Labor Day.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A London Report</h3> - -<p>Complaining at Tottenham of assault, a -woman said this was the second time the same -man had assaulted her.</p> - -<p>“I took no notice when he kicked me the first -time,” she said, “because it was dark, and I -took it to be my husband.”</p> - -<p>“Then I saw it was a stranger, and I -screamed.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">“I hate to be a kicker, and generally stand for peace; but the -wheel that does the squeaking is the wheel that gets the grease.”—Kipling.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Our Rural Mail Box</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>I. Scream</i></b>—You ask me to publish the story -entitled “Heaven’s Above” and I am herewith -complying, poetical style:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>I kissed the dimple in her chin,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Her cheeks suffused with red;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Reprovingly she looked at me,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>“Heaven’s above!” she said.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Maybe you don’t think that this is the true -version, but it is the only one we can think of -at present.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Yucan Haver</i></b>—Your friend, when he said -you had eyes like a certain star, probably -referred to Ben Turpin’s.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Al A. Baster</i></b>—Yes, it is very embarrassing -for the young man who tries to stop a lady’s -nose-bleed by putting a bunch of cold keys -down her back, especially if it is at a fancy -dress ball.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>George</i></b>—Good looks, money, a car, help -along the male flirt—but the only indispensable -requisite is a chilled steel nerve.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Philosophy of the Modern Flapper</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Jane Gaites.</p> - -<p>Tonight when you shall gather me in your -strong loving arms and marvel at the radiance -of my eyes, the golden glamour of my hair, the -velvety softness of my pink cheeks, while you -tell me you love me, I shall smile.</p> - -<p>And you will be content thinking that I -smile because of love for you. You will wonder -at my naivete, at my simplicity, and innocence. -You do not know of my rows and rows of -expensive jars that make me beautiful. You -do not guess that untold experience has made -me “simple.”</p> - -<p>And when you draw me even closer to you -and kiss me again, more passionately, while -you smile at my sweet demureness and -simplicity, I too will smile, because with all -your vast knowledge of women—dear boy, you -are so simple!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>“This falls just a little below my expectations,” said the -blushing young thing to her dressmaker as she surveyed herself -in the mirror. As to what the blushing young thing meant -by expectations, you can use your own judgment.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">No, gentle reader, the bull durham outfit is not responsible for -the practice: “Roll Your Own.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller bold">“The man I marry must have common sense,” she -said. But the party broke up when I remarked, “He -won’t have.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oh Sprinkle Me With Dew!</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I thank you for the Flowers you sent,”</div> -<div class="verse indent4">She said.</div> -<div class="verse">I’m sorry for the words I spoke</div> -<div class="verse indent4">Last Night.</div> -<div class="verse">Your sending me those flowers made all</div> -<div class="verse indent4">Things right.</div> -<div class="verse">Will you forgive me? He forgave her.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And as they kissed again beneath</div> -<div class="verse indent4">The bowers,</div> -<div class="verse">He wondered who the deuce sent her</div> -<div class="verse indent4">Those flowers.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Modern Girl</h3> - -<p>She told him: “There’s no fun in a -graveyard; give me my flowers now.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Printer’s Note</h3> - -<p>Just as Ye Printer (get that Ye stuff) was -finishing up slapping this crazy stuff in the -form we received the following telegram from -the boss, sent from Los Onglaze: “HAVE -LEARNED THAT WHIZ BANG HAS THE -LARGEST CIRCULATION HERE OF ANY -TWENTY-FIVE CENT MAGAZINE PUBLISHED -ANYWHERE. I AM LEAVING -TOMORROW FOR TIAJUANA AND WILL -VISIT MORE MOVIE STUDIOS HERE -NEXT WEEK. THEN I GO TO HONOLULU.”</p> - -<p>Well, by the time this reaches the readers, -the boss will be running around loose in the -Paradise of hulas, volcanoes, beaches, painted -fish and sensuous climates.</p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2 class="u"><i>The Annual Is Out!</i></h2> - -<p>Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual -Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the -press. Orders are now being mailed. There will -be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your -news stand’s quota is sold out—</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">PIN A DOLLAR BILL</p> - -<p class="center">Or your check, money order or stamps<br /> -To the coupon on the opposite page.</p> - -<p>And receive our 256-page bound volume of -jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag -and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever -put in print.</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">REMEMBER, FOLK</p> - -<p>Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth -as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out -on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, -and not a copy could be bought <b>anywhere</b> in the -United States within ten days.</p> - -<p>So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!</p> - -<p>Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to -the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">We haven’t any left.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-blue"> - -<h2><i>Our Winter Annual</i></h2> - -<p>In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter -Annual of this great family journal contains a large -variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, -stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed -Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading -matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells -for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be -cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds -the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in -print. Included in the list are:</p> - -<div class="sans"> - -<p>Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, -The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), -The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” -Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy -Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The -Ladies,” Toledo Slim.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Orders are now being received and will be mailed in -the order in which they are received. Tear off the -attached blank and mail to us today with your check, -money order or stamps.</p> - -<hr class="all-blue" /> - -<p class="hanging sans">Whiz Bang,<br /> -Robbinsdale, Minnesota.</p> - -<p class="noindent">Gentlemen:</p> - -<p>Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps -for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22.”</p> - -<div class="form">Name</div> - -<div class="form">Address</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w20 blue"> - -<p class="center larger"><i class="u all-blue">Everywhere!</i></p> - -<p><i>Whiz Bang</i> is on sale -at all leading hotels, -news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains -30 cents, or may be -ordered direct from -the publisher at 25 -cents single copies; -two-fifty a year.</p> - -<p>One dollar for the -WINTER ANNUAL.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"> -<img src="images/bull.jpg" width="200" height="75" alt="A bull" /> -</div> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -27, November, 1921, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG *** - -***** This file should be named 61864-h.htm or 61864-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/1/8/6/61864/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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