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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6742731 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #61307 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/61307) diff --git a/old/61307-0.txt b/old/61307-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 1087863..0000000 --- a/old/61307-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2825 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 24, -September, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 24, September, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: February 2, 2020 [EBook #61307] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, SEPT 1921 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 24, September, 1921 - - - - -Going Back to Paris, Soldier? - -Would you like to take another trip to France, visit the old fighting -sectors and spend a few weeks in Paris? You can keep in touch with the -overseas days and with your comrades everywhere through The Stars and -Stripes, the weekly publication for all ex-service men. Gives you a joy -ride every week through the land of memories. - -HAVE THE BOOK OF WALLY’S CARTOONS! Send Two Dollars and we will enter -your subscription for The Stars and Stripes for six months and send you a -complete collection, well bound, of all the overseas cartoons of Wally, -the famous Stars and Stripes cartoonist. The greatest memory book of the -World War. Just Two Dollars for The Stars and Stripes and the Book of -Wally’s Overseas Cartoons Complete! Send today! - - The Stars and Stripes Publishing Co. - 205 Bond Building WASHINGTON, D. C. - - * * * * * - -BATHING BEAUTIES! - -Real Photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls. Just the thing -for your den! Sizes. 3½ × 5½ Positively the best on the market. - -ASSORTMENT OF 6 for 25c or 25 for $1.00 - -Send Money Order or Stamps. Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is -included. - -EGBERT BROTHERS - - Dept. W. B. 303 Buena Vista St., LOS ANGELES, CAL. - -_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in U.S. Write for wholesale terms._ - - * * * * * - -_Subscribe Now_ - - +------------------------------- - If you like our Farmyard / Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang, - Filosophy and Foolishness, / R.R.2, Robbinsdale, Minn. - fill in this coupon. / Enclosed is money order (or - / check) for subscription commencing - $2.50 per / with .................. issue - year. / MONTH - / - / Name ............................ - / Street ........................... - / City & State ...................... - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - SEPTEMBER, 1921 Vol. II. No. 24 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1921 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - -The modern city can be likened to that grim monster of old dreams to whom -a tribute of maidens was offered. The main difference between them lies -in the fact that his appetite for girl-flesh had its limitations, but the -appetite of the city had none. From this vast charnel house of hopes, -beliefs and ideals files upward a steady stream of damned souls that once -belonged to women-children, pure in thought and deed. The crushing of one -or a thousand of these “wee modest crimson-tipped flowers” beneath the -ploughshares of city life and temptation excites only passing remark. - -The girl of the city has much more actual animation than her sister -of the country. This is due to the food that is eaten and the social -conditions of excitement that surround her. The country girl lives upon -plain food and has normal hours of rest and relaxation. She does not -encounter the sights or sounds that would tend to divert her attention -from high thoughts to matters forbidden. - -Such sights and sounds are never absent from the city girl. She cannot -go into the business part of the city and walk two blocks without -being reminded of her sex. Men eye her with glances of suggestion and -invitation. - - * * * * * - -You don’t have to go to West Point for strategy. A negro preacher in his -pulpit one Sunday said he had a few remarks to make before the collection -basket made its peregrination. - -“Now, brethren and sisters,” he began, “there is just one brethren here -that is untrue to his church, untrue to his Lord—and worst of all, untrue -to his wife. Unless he puts a five dollar bill into the contribution box -I will be compelled to call his name out.” - -When the basket had returned and a recount had been made, the books -showed forty-two five dollar bills and a two dollar bill with a note -pinned to it saying, “I will hand you the other three in the morning. -Please don’t give me away.” - - * * * * * - -“Only a Mother Could Love a Prohibitionist’s Face.” That is the -inscription which appeared on one of the banners in the Anti-Dry parade -which I had the pleasure of witnessing in New York City while en-route -back from the big fight which ye editor attended. - - * * * * * - -Around Robbinsdale they get up early. Two farmers, jealous of their -rising records, became boastful and one allowed as how he got up before -three o’clock. The other rose at two the next morning and called at his -neighbor’s house, hoping to find him in bed. The farmer’s wife came to -the door. - -“Where is your husband?” inquired the sleuth. - -“Why, he was around here early this morning, but I don’t know where he is -now.” - - * * * * * - -Gus, our hired man, insists that Deacon Kingdon is a good shot. - -“He is so good with his gun that he hit the bull’s-eye the first time,” -Gus exclaimed. - -“Very good,” exclaimed Maggie, our cook. - -“Yes, but he had to pay for the bull.” - - * * * * * - -Pinkham’s Home Broo - -Pursue a wild bull frog thirteen miles, carefully gathering the hops. -Then add: - -Ten gallons pickle brine - -Two quarts shellac - -One bar home-made soap - -One pint sweet spirits of nitre. - -Boil mixture three weeks, then strain through an I. W. W. sock to prevent -mixture from working. Bottle and add one jackass to each pint to give it -the proper kick. - - * * * * * - -This Is For Railroaders - -Casey, a section boss on the Great Northern railway, in making his report -to the superintendent, used considerable profanity, so the superintendent -said: “Casey, I have lady stenographers here and if you must use that -profanity, after this you must write your own reports.” “A train from -Duluth came lickety skoot and passed me hand car by. Some son of a gun -left open a switch and it piled them ten cars high.” - - * * * * * - -Georges Carpenter lost a battle last July, but he won a greater prize -than the golden purse and the coveted belt offered at Jersey City. The -handsome Frenchman showed America the smile of Napoleon; the stoical -smile of defeat. - -As one of the multitude witnessing the brief clash of France and America -at Boyle’s Thirty Acres, permit me to remark that Carpentier =_did not_= -live up to his reputation as great pugilistic champion, but he more than -met his reputation as a great red-blooded gentleman. - -The American won, but the applause usually due the winner was lost in the -outburst of surprise of the multitude. Carpentier, instead of hanging his -head at the defeat of his hopes and aspirations for the title, hid his -sorrow behind a great big boyish smile. He wore that smile through the -blood-stained rounds, and it radiated as the gong clanged. - -The soul of fighting France was behind that smile; the same as the smile -of Napoleon as he handed over his army to Wellington at Waterloo, and -the likeness of Joffre at the first battle of the Marne. It puzzled -his primitive opponent. Dempsey was bewildered—his face revealed his -knowledge that behind that smile was a superior intellectual being. - - * * * * * - -=_What good is alimony on a cold night?_= - - * * * * * - -Many who “kiss and make up” don’t like the taste of the “make-up.” - - - - -_Doug’s Peacock Walk_ - -BY RICHMOND - - -What are the personal peculiarities of film people? In view of the fact -that it is our bounden duty to torment, dilate and comment upon ye people -of the screen, it behooves us to stop now and then to observe what they -are and how they become that way, aside from being good looking, drawing -big money and getting divorced. - -Let’s get right down to business. Take Allan Dwan, a well known director. -Dwan doesn’t hate himself any more than the law provides for. In fact, -there is no reason Dwan should despise himself. He was a good electrical -engineer; became interested in pictures and makes various flurries of -coin according to the Angels who can be dug up to back his ventures. - -Dwan formerly was a good athlete. He is powerfully constructed but -noticeably short. About the studios it is well understood that one of the -few faults Dwan finds with himself is that he isn’t just up to his own -personal idea of tallness. If he has a tender spot, it hinges upon this -item of feet up and down. Someone conceived the idea that in order to tab -him “Napoleon.” But that line of bull has been overdone and so another -gag had to be hatched up. “The Big Little Man,” that is what those in -close touch with Dwan call him when they desire to make a favorable -impression. “The Big Little Man,” that’s a good title—better than some of -the ones that appear on Dwan’s pictures and a lot of other pictures. - -Thus we dispose of Mr. Dwan, a cocky, brainy, peppy little fellow whose -only regret is that he should be a little longer. Next we will consider -Mr. Fairbanks, Mary’s present husband, barring every state in the Union -but Nevada—and Nevada isn’t quite certain that Mary is still married to -Owen Moore. Doug likes to tread about with his gang of retainers at his -heels. Fairbanks cottons to the custom, styles and bequeathments of the -English sporting gentlemen who stalked abroad with a company of idol -worshippers. - -Doug is not always the most distinguished looking of his company. At any -event, he frequently is not the most noticeable. It was Fairbanks that -discovered the now famous Bull Montana, who doubles for monkeys when one -is required in the cast and whose ability to take punishment one time -resulted in nine fire hoses being turned on him at once as he was swept -down the gutter. - -When Doug Fairbanks and Bull Montana walk down the street together -the Bull “takes it away from him,” as they say in the pictures when a -subservient character grabs the best of the scene from the star. Bull -has a face, at once fearsome and fascinating. He is so ugly that crowds -follow him around. It is a frequent spectacle in Los Angeles to see -Fairbanks, Bull Montana, Spike Robinson, Crooked Nosed Murphy, Benny -Zeidmann, the press agent de luxe, and Mark Larkin, Fairbanks’ special -representative, beating it down the broad. Of course, Doug always struts -in front, while the others in platoon formation tread proudly in the -rear. The only place where Doug falls down is that some of his gang look -funnier than Doug acts on the screen and the big star stands a chance of -being overlooked in the “what the h—is coming here” attitude that rends -the atmosphere as the Fairbanks battalion bears down upon the multitude. -Yes, Doug likes to lead his gang into the big hotel corridors, where his -cohorts then fade gracefully into the oblivion necessary to leave Doug -alone in his solitude for the yokels to admire and wonder at. You gotta -hand it to Doug for rushing in with his gang and then giving them the -fade away sign at the psychological moment. - -Lottie Pickford—we have thought out loud a time or two before in these -columns about Lottie. Unlike the demure Mary, Lottie likes the jazz -stuff, the bright lights and some good looking young dude hanging around -her. We never saw Lottie chew tobacco, but she can stow away a lot of the -“grape.” - -If we had our decision to make as regards Lottie’s chief peculiarity we -would say that her idea is to be thoroughly known as Mary’s sister by -doing things that Mary doesn’t. Lottie isn’t the first contrary girl, -though, who can claim to be of famous family. There was Miss Roosevelt -and later Mrs. Longworth. Didn’t the colonel himself call long and loudly -for commodious families? And did you ever read that his daughter attained -any particular fame aside from smoking cigarettes and not rearing -children? - -If you are a sort of a junior member of a family and fear that you will -be overshadowed by some relative, cast for a famous mold, one way to -attract attention is to copy the other one—backwards. - -We come to Fatty—Roscoe Arbuckle. Roscoe’s peculiarity just now is to -have people try and forget that his name is Fatty. Roscoe is getting -dignified. He has half a dozen cars, just because people came to know him -as “Fatty Arbuckle” and paid a lot of dough to see him. Just where Fatty -expects to promote himself by being Roscoe passeth understanding. Surely -he doesn’t think that he could act seriously without being thought funny. -Perhaps Fatty is subtle. He may have tired of drawing laughs as a result -of acting natural and figures he may get as many more by trying not to -appear natural. - -Now we are down to Mr. Griffith. Mr. Griffith, to our notion, is a -great director. But Mr. Griffith is more or less deftly endeavoring -to implant the idea in the public mind that he is a poet. That is Mr. -Griffith’s peculiarity. He would not be seen much in public; rather he -seeks to attract attention by remaining in seclusion. His well organized -staff and his actors and actresses, who like him much, never pass up an -opportunity to breathe it about that “Mr. Griffith is a poet.” - -We never read any of David’s verses, but if he is a poet, it devoutly is -to be desired that there were more poets and fewer directors operating in -pictures. - -After all, these little peculiarities or hobbies of the picture people -are not harmful to any one in particular. We all like to strut and fluff -and show our fine feathers. It’s human nature. - - * * * * * - -We’ll Say So! - -While Al. Jolson, the black-face comedian, was touring the Pacific Coast -with his latest starring vehicle, “Sinbad,” he visited the California -insane asylum, at Napa. Passing through one of the wards he noticed a -rather neat chap and asked the attendant the nature of the fellow’s -trouble. - -The attendant told the comedian that it was a new case. Had only arrived -the previous day. - -Jolson approached the patient and inquired “If you had only one wish in -the world, and it would be granted, what would you wish for?” - -The patient looked at Jolson and said, “I’d wish that Volstead was born -with a thirst!” - -With a smile Jolson replied, “You might have been crazy when they brought -you here yesterday, brother, but you’re talking good sense today!” - - * * * * * - -Our Traffic Cop - -Thomas Patrick Gallagher, typical Irish traffic copper, was stationed on -Madison street in Chicago at the point intersected by the River. - -One bustling Saturday afternoon, Gallagher held up his hand to halt -traffic for the draw bridge. In front of him was a new handsome limousine -motor car. - -While waiting for the bridge to close, a runabout flivver crashed into -the rear end of the handsome car. - -Gallagher was on the job promptly and hustled over to the driver of the -flivver. - -“Phwat in hal does yez mane by smashing into this handsome car? Haven’t -you got any eyes?” he bellowed at the meek and humble driver, “Are -you crazy? I’ve a good mind to take you down to the headquarters, you -blithering idiot. What’s your name?” continued Gallagher, as he extracted -a pencil and notebook from his pocket, “What is the number of your car?” - -The answer came back in typical Gaelic, “Me name is Clancy.” - -“Clancy,” replied Gallagher. “Clancy, what part of Ireland are you from, -what county?” - -“I am from County Mayo.” - -“County Mayo,” continued the traffic officer, “County Mayo, say Clancy, -stay here just a minute till I go ahead to that big car and see why in -the devil he backed into you.” - - * * * * * - -Ikey’s Recklessness - -Ikey, eleven years of age and of unmistakable Hebrew persuasion, was -taken out of school and put to work in a nearby store, where he was -rewarded with the princely honorarium of a dollar and a half per week. -For the first three weeks, Ikey brought home the pay envelope on Saturday -night and turned it over to his mother. On the fourth Saturday, however, -he was five cents short. - -“Ikey,” said his mother, “where is that other nickel?” - -“I need that nickel, ma,” replied Ikey. - -For the next three weeks this dialogue was repeated when the week’s -pay was turned in. The following Saturday Rachel had further cause for -suspicion, for there was only $1.40 in the pay envelope. - -“Ikey,” she said, “what have you done with that dime?” - -“Ma,” said Ikey, “I had to have that dime myself.” - -“Now, Ikey, tell your mother the truth; are you going with a woman?” - - * * * * * - -Overwhelmingly - -A member of Congress recently became a parent. On announcing the news the -doctor exclaimed gleefully: “I congratulate you, sir; you are the father -of triplets.” - -The congressman was astonished. - -“No, no, no,” he replied, with more than parliamentary emphasis, “there -must be some mistake in the returns. I demand a recount!” - - * * * * * - -Cassidy’s Routing - -Employed in the Great Northern yards in Minneapolis is a switchman whom -we will call Cassidy. - -One day Cassidy entered the superintendent’s office without removing his -cap or pipe. - -“I want a pass to Duluth,” he said. - -His evident show of disrespect peeved the superintendent. “Well, Mr. -Cassidy, you haven’t approached me in quite the proper manner,” he -answered gruffly. “Here you have your cap on your head and your clay pipe -stuck in your mouth. Do you believe this is showing proper respect for -your superior officer? If you desire a pass to Duluth, you must leave -this office at once, walk around for an hour or two, and come back. As -you step in my office, you will ask for the superintendent of the Great -Northern; I will reply, ‘I am the superintendent of the Great Northern, -what can I do for you?’” - -Cassidy promptly departed. He had been gone about an hour, when he came -back, pipe in his pocket and cap in his hand. He walked briskly into the -superintendent’s office and inquired in a rather superior manner, “Are -you the superintendent of the Great Northern?” - -“I am, what can I do for you?” was the reply. - -“You can go to hell, I’ve got a pass over the Northern Pacific.” - - * * * * * - -It is always good to be nice, but not always nice to be good. - - - - -_Limber Kicks_ - - -Bow Wow - - This is so the entire world through, - You imagine a maiden loves yough— - Like the wind bends the bough, - You are bent by the rough, - Then left and forsaken—bough-wough. - - * * * * * - - Before marriage, - With wondrous care, - She seeks the mirror - And bangs her hair. - - After marriage, - With angry glare, - She grabs her slipper - And bangs her heir. - - * * * * * - -Ask Bob He Knows - - A miss is as good as a mile, - A kiss is as good as a smile, - But four painted kings - Are the beautiful things - That are good for the other man’s pile. - - * * * * * - - The ballet’s not the drawing card - That once it used to be. - Ah! when it dies, may some good bard - Indite its L. E. G. - - * * * * * - - “How do you like codfish balls?” - I said to sister Jenny. - “Well, really May, I couldn’t say, - I have never been to any.” - - * * * * * - - Poor Lot’s wife turned to salt, alas! - Her fate was most unkind. - No doubt she only wished to see - How hung her skirt behind. - - * * * * * - -The Power of the “Press” - -“Now, girls,” warned the Sunday School teacher, “I want to caution you -against making friends with the new barber who has just opened a shop -in the village. A friend of mine who knew him in the town where he was -reared tells me he tries to make love to every girl he calls on.” - -“The girls in this burg are sure friendly,” confided the new barber to -one of his patrons two days later. “Last night I took a stroll around the -town and every girl I met smiled at me.” - - * * * * * - - The lightning flashed, the lightning crashed, - The skies were rent asunder, - With shriek and wail loud blew the gale, - And then it rained like thunder. - - * * * * * - -Wall, I Calc’late! - -“Well, Si,” asked the justice of the peace of the lone constable, “what -is this man charged with?” - -“Bigotry,” answered Si. “He’s got three wives.” - -“By gosh, Si,” exclaimed his honor, “where’s your education? That ain’t -bigotry, that’s trigonometry!” - - * * * * * - -We’d Say So - -When a young man with his arm around a girl lets a lighted cigarette fall -inside his sport shirt and it feels like a drop of ice water, it is time -either to propose or go home. - - * * * * * - -Female detectives should be good lookers. - - - - -_Naughty New York!_ - - -It looks like a pretty dreadful affair all the way ’round to me; here’s -Mrs. Lydig Hoyt says that skirts gotta come down because the girls are -wearing them to the ankles in Paris; but here’s little Betty Compson, the -movie princess, says they are not to come down—not even to the ankles. - -“It’s the movie girls and not Parisian professional models nor New York -society women who make the fashions for America,” says Betty. Which, -when you come to think about it, is a terrible slam for Mrs. Hoyt—an -intimation that she is not considered a regular movie queen, in spite of -the fact that she shook the pink teas of the Four Hundred for a part in -Norma Talmadge’s company, and is now about to burst into the world of art -with a company of her own. - -The truth is, New York society women have apparently gone dippy over -getting into the movies. - -The other day I was out at the Griffith studio at Marmaroneck watching a -starving mob in rags crying for bread in the streets of ancient Paris. -Among the actors there was one who stood out. She was a shriveled old -woman with thin hands and haggard eyes. Her clothes were torn half off, -showing her shrunken breasts and bony shoulders. When “D. W.” gave the -signal for the action to begin, she fairly made you feel the agony of her -hunger. - -When there came, at last, an interval in the work, she beckoned to a maid -who stood near the set. “Go out to the yacht and get me my cigarette -case,” she said. - -It turned out that the old lady was a very rich woman with a garage -filled with imported automobiles and a steam yacht. She just had the -“itch” to act in the movies. - -It’s a little secret that is giggled up and down Fifth avenue that one of -the “extra girls” in the ball room scene in “Way Down East” was Evelyn -Walsh, who is considered to be the richest unmarried woman in the world. -Mrs. Morgan Belmont was also in the same picture. - -Perhaps it was the movies that did it; but anyhow, times have changed -in the old Four Hundred in New York. It is only the Texas oil -millionairesses who continue to elevate the haughty nose in mid-air and -give you a far-away stare. - -Mrs. Belmont, when I saw her in a picture studio, was sitting on the edge -of a piece of scenery, smoking a cigarette that she had borrowed from -a stage hand. She was excitedly debating an exciting question. She was -contending that Jack Dempsey could have licked Jack Johnson when the big -dinge was at his very best. - -It happened that I sat in a business conference with Anne Morgan the -other day. She was the most simple and democratic person present. She -sat still and listened until every one else had expressed his opinion. -Finally she threw away the butt of her cigarette and said abruptly, “Look -here. We are all talking around in circles and getting nowhere.” Then she -stated the case with the directness and clarity of a corporation lawyer. -“You know,” she said in explanation, “My father was a banker.” I wonder -if she thought she was telling anybody any news! J. Pierpont Morgan was -the said father. - -Mrs. Morgan Belmont isn’t likely to squeeze Mary Pickford out of her -job. She was just in pictures on account of her name. In the case of -Mrs. Lydig Hoyt, however, it is different. She is really a marvelously -beautiful woman and may go far in the cinema. - -Like most of the women in society, she is sick of gadding around tea -parties. This stuff may be all right in F. Scott Fitzgerald flapper -novels, but gets wearisome in real life. - -Speaking of F. Scott Fitzgerald, I understand that Princeton University -is so vexed with this youthful prodigy that he discreetly omits the -usual dutiful visits to his alma mater. What’s ailing Princeton is Mr. -Fitzgerald’s book, “This Side of Paradise,” in which he told some painful -truths about college life. I couldn’t see anything so terrible about it; -but Princeton was touchy. - -In fact, I don’t see how anybody could “stay mad” at this child of -genius. He is really a charming boy. He looks about seventeen, with -those he-vamp blue eyes. I understand that “This Side of Paradise” was -practically his own life, except that he really married the young society -flapper who “trun him down” in the book. She is a very beautiful girl and -the boy genius is obviously crazy about her. - -Another “best seller” who is looking at the tall buildings of New York -is Harold Bell Wright, the sales of whose books have now amounted to -something over 9,000,000 copies. - -The first time I ever saw the illustrious Harold was in Chicago, where he -had come to sell his first books. He was a green little country preacher -from a “riding” circuit in the Ozark mountains in Arkansas. He was so -green that a sure-thing man would have been ashamed to sell him gold -bricks. He looked pained when you spoke of writing for money; he said he -only wrote to give a message to the world. I saw him again at the Waldorf -the other day. He has made a couple of million dollars; got a divorce and -a Rolls-Royce and other modern equipment. - -In spite of his enormous success as a best seller, I am told that Harold -has a canker eating at his heart. He grieves because the literary critics -will not take his work seriously, but “kid” him as a “he” Laura Jean -Libbey. - -The other day, New York was electrified by a story that Hearst had -quarreled with Marion Davies and that that attractive young lady was to -cease to be a film star in the Hearst studios. But if there was a row, -Marion must have won the bout. She is not only still the queen at the -studio at One Hundred and Twenty-fifth street, but her brother-in-law has -just been placed in supreme command. I am told that everything is getting -on with peace and harmony—the kind of peace and harmony where nobody -dares to be the first to leave a group and always walks out of the room -sideways with his back to the wall. - -And now that we are speaking about Hearst—Like all men of brilliant mind, -he has his little eccentricities. His is that he never can find his -automobile. He owns some twenty cars, but never can find one. He brings -his car downtown; forgets it and walks away to the nearest taxicab. -The chauffeur waits around until he knows that W. R. is lost again and -goes home. Wherefore you invariably encounter Hearst riding around New -York in sad and disreputable looking taxicabs. Occasionally, he asks -his subordinates if “anybody knows where I left my automobile.” Hearst, -however, is a man of penetrating intellect. Don’t let anybody tell you -the old yarn about his success being due to his brilliant subordinates. -He has a mind that cuts like a slashing knife. - -To meet him personally, you would think him the newest and meekest -reporter in the Hearst service. He comes into the offices of his hired -men with a shy bashful air and usually says, “I hope I am not in the -way.” But just let them try to disobey his orders and see how meek he is. -Wow! - -Our old friend, Wilbur F. Crafts, the reformer, has spent a busy summer -in New York. He has been horrified in turn over the Dempsey-Carpentier -fight, over the frightful case of some girls who wore one-piece bathing -suits at Atlantic City; over some good respectable families who wanted -to walk down to the beach in their regular clothes, with their bathing -suits underneath and slip off the top layer, thus foiling the bath house -robbers. Wilbur also had a spasm of excitement because Tex Rickard had -some children from Panama giving some exhibitions of swimming in his big -pool in Madison Square Garden. - -Some time ago, in a censorship hearing, I actually heard the Rev. Wilbur -admit that he was wrong. He had presented a bill he wanted passed, -creating a national censorship. One of his friends on the congressional -committee raised his eyes humbly to the chandeliers and said he wanted to -offer a criticism. Rev. Crafts said he always welcomes honest criticism; -he tried to do his humble best, but if wrong, wanted to be corrected; -hence he would yield to the congressional gentleman and accept his -amendment. The amendment was to boost the salary of the job Rev. Crafts -was after from $4,000 to $8,000 a year. He certainly yielded like a -Christian martyr. - -But about these girls and their one-piece suits that shocked Atlantic -City almost beyond human endurance. - -Near Atlantic City is a little strip of beach called Somer’s Point. When -the police chased the Annette Kellermanns off the beach at Atlantic -City, the mayor of Somer’s Point said they could come to his beach, b’ -gosh. And so they went—and so the road around Somer’s Point has been -blocked all summer—and so Mayor Robert Crissey, who is seventy-two, but -has young ideas, is famous. A discreet man is Mayor Crissey, nevertheless. - -After the first Sunday of the girl show, he issued a statement in which -he said he thought one-piece suits were all right. “And,” he added with a -burst of real inspiration, “I am going to buy my wife one just like ’em.” - -Some one has lifted up his voice and wept because, among the other famous -New York gin palaces to go with incoming prohibition, is the far-famed -one formerly run by Tom Sharkey, the old sailor heavy weight fighter. - -Tom was a funny old fellow with not much more than a distant acquaintance -with English grammar and such. - -When he completed his fine saloon, one of his first visitors was his -former manager, Tim McGrath. They looked over the place together. At -length Tim said to him, “Tom, you have a fine place, but there is one -thing more you should do to it.” - -“And what’s that?” said Tom suspiciously. - -“Right here above the entrance you should have a fine big chandelier.” - -“Yeh, I know,” replied Tom, yawning, “But who would I get to play it?” - -That “Garden-of-Eden” party with naked young ladies dancing, outside -of Boston, which cost Adolph Zukor and Hi Abrams, the movie magnates, -$100,000 to quiet, and which may cost the Massachusetts district attorney -his job, was the second time this year the aforesaid magnates have burst -into fame. - -They—at least one of them—is said to have been in the big stud poker -party in which a slick gent with marked cards took in a circle of movie -men for a cool $500,000. They had him arrested, but dropped the case -because the department of public charities of New York set up a claim -for five times the amount of the money lost as a penalty for playing -poker—which is the New York law. - -I can tell you a little secret about that game. That slicker would have -been trimming them yet except for the quick wittedness of Norma Talmadge. - -It was at their home—of herself and her husband, Mr. Schenk—that the game -had been taking place once a week for months. Coming suddenly into the -hall, Norma saw the slick guest slip a pack of cards into his overcoat -pocket and take another pack. She told her husband and the slicker was -caught red-handed. - -Even New York, the town of spenders, gave a little gasp when the “Spanish -Jade” stepped out of Greenwich Village and went shopping on the Avenue. - -The lady’s real name is Elizabeth Darrow. She was the belle of the -village, when a young naval officer named Frederick Linde Ryan blew -in with his new uniform and innocent illusions. He was married to the -“Spanish Jade” and they began housekeeping on Riverside Drive. - -The boy, struggling along on his naval pay, tried patiently and loyally -and uncomplainingly to pay; but his debts soon amounted to $20,000, with -cigarettes at a dollar a pack and chocolates at $5.00 a pound. The other -day the case was brought into court at the instance of one of the boy’s -friends and the court ruled that the boy need not continue further to pay -the bills. - -As a sort of free circus the “Village” does well enough for a little -while; but it would seem a dubious place to find a wife. - - * * * * * - -Thus It Was - -He was young, good looking and had plenty of money. She was also young -and good looking, but lacked the money. Consequently she anxiously -awaited for manifestations of affection. - -“What have you named your new island home?” she inquired one evening, -following his description of the wonderful island he had purchased in a -neighboring lake. - -“Isle of View,” he answered, and has since been wondering what happened -to the young lady to make her throw herself in his arms. - - * * * * * - -There was a cross-eyed judge in Chicago who had three cross-eyed -prisoners brought before him. Turning to the first, he said, “What is -your name?” and the second replied, “James Smith.” Turning to the second, -he said, rather severely, “I wasn’t talking to you.” The third one said, -“I didn’t say anything.” - - * * * * * - -Wife—Mistress—Lady - -_The following is translated from the German, and published in the -Gazette of the Union, February, 1856_: - -Who marries from love takes a wife; who marries for the sake of -convenience takes a mistress; who marries from consideration takes a -lady. You are loved by your wife, regarded by your mistress, tolerated by -your lady. You have a wife for yourself, a mistress for your house and -its friends, a lady for the world. Your wife will agree with you, your -mistress will accommodate you, your lady will manage you. Your wife will -take care of your household, your mistress of your house, your lady of -appearances. If you are sick your wife will nurse you, your mistress will -visit you, and your lady inquire after your health. You take a walk with -your wife, a ride with your mistress, and join parties with your lady. -Your wife will share your grief, your mistress your money, your lady your -debt. If you are dead, your wife will shed tears, your mistress lament, -and your lady wear mourning. A year after death your wife marries again, -in six months your mistress, and in six weeks, or sooner, when mourning -is over, your lady. - - * * * * * - -Wifey’s Lament - -Clarence—“Do you think it will rain?” - -Doris—“What?” - -Clarence—“Say yes.” - -Doris—“I said yes the other day and got myself in grief.” - -Clarence—“When?” - -Doris—“The other day.” - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Cap_=—Are we not all descendants of the monkey? - -No, we are not. My folks came from Wales. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—Can you tell me why a black cow gives white milk that -makes yellow butter?—=_Helen Bach._= - -For the same reason that blackberries are red when they are green. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Bill_=—What do you think of a man who throws a girl a -kiss?—=_Ima Blower._= - -I think he’s the laziest man in the world. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Farmer Bill_=—How do you keep milk from souring?—=_Reggie._= - -Leave it in the cow. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—Why is it that professors claim touch to be the most -delicate of all the senses?—=_Hook M. Cowe._= - -Well, here’s why: when you sit on a pin you can’t see it, you can’t hear -it, you can’t taste it—but it is there. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—What is a button?—=_Holly Woode._= - -A small event that always comes off. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—The waiters in our city of Brainerd have just -organized a union and wish you would kindly suggest some sort of a yell -to hand the cooks when they raise the dickens with us.—=_Tillie Olson._= - -My feeble effort: - - Grape nut, Grape nut, - Malta vita force. - Keep your trap closed. - Well, of course. - We want oysters, - Rah! Rah! Rah! - Nabisco wafers - Bah!! - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—I am about to organize a nice little club for -thirsty people. What motto should our organization adopt?—=_Sipper Jin._= - -How about this one: “If you don’t see what you want, ask for it.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What were the two most popular ballads of the -American doughboy in France?—=_Mona Long._= - -Before the armistice it was “I Want to Go Home.” Afterwards it was “If -You Want to Go Home, Just Let Them Alone.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—My father is a motor-man, and my mother is a -conductorette. What am I?—=_Enter Tainem._= - -A transfer. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap’n_=—What is a Pomeranian Whiff Sniff?—=_Willack Fulish._= - -A Pomeranian Whiff Sniff is a species of small wooly dog with the curious -habit of trying to climb telegraph poles, hind feet first. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—Being as you are an etiquette expert, I would like to -ask if it is a gentleman’s duty to approach a young lady and tell her -that her eyebrow is on crooked and that she has a speck of soot on her -right ankle?—=_Inquisitive Andy._= - -A gentleman is not supposed to notice the details of a lady’s attire. He -is supposed to be in a state of rapturous admiration of the tout ensemble. - - * * * * * - -=_Captain Billy_=—Is a sallow, pale skin always affected by weak -people?—=_I. M. Payle._= - -Dear Payle—Not always! I know a chap that was very dark, but he found a -pair of dice and right from then he began to fade, and fade and fade. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper Bill_=—Why is a ship always called “She”?—=_M. T. Beane._= - -Probably because the rigging costs more than the hull. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Farmer Bill_=—What is the best way to make both ends meet?—=_Lady -de Barbour._= - -Learn to be a contortionist. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What, in your opinion, does love most -resemble?—=_Georgette._= - -A roast beef sandwich. Two thin slices of sentiment and the rest filled -in with bull. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billiam_=—What kind of hand does a card sharper win -with?—=_Pokker Feene._= - -An I-deal hand. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—Why are eggs much smaller now than in the past?—=_Lee Way._= - -I suppose it’s because they’re taken out of the nest too soon. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—A story in a New York paper says a dancer has -insured her legs for $125,000. What’s the idea?—=_Lew D. Fiske._= - -We don’t know definitely, Lew. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper Bill_=—What war material did Chili export to the Allies -during the war?—=_Clara Voyant._= - -Beans. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Bill_=—If you’re a good little astronomer I know you’ll tell me -what star was recently measured, and found to be of enormous size?—=_May -Triatit._= - -Fatty Arbuckle, I guess. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Willy_=—A waiter in the Waldorf Flaskoria spilled hot soup -down my neck, and when I remonstrated with him, the horrid old thing -only snapped his fingers at me. Have you any words to describe such -creature?—=_Ferdie Nann._= - -I would say that he is too soupercillious. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Farmer Bill_=—Why is it you farmers always dress your scarecrows -in men’s clothing?—=_Sack Kitt._= - -Well, if we dressed them in women’s clothes there’d be sure to be some -old birds hanging around. - - * * * * * - -A friend of the Whiz Bang who served with the British forces during the -World War sends us the following, which he claims was a favorite song -among the “Limies.” - - When this bloody war is over - Oh, how happy we will be; - No more hiking, no more drilling, - No retreat or reville. - No more shining up brass buttons, - No more asking for a “leave,” - For we’ll tell the sergeant-major - To shove his passes in his sleeve. - - * * * * * - - _I know a young woman called Kitty._ - _In the dance-hall she looks very pretty._ - _But the next day at ten,_ - _If you saw her then—_ - _Oh, my gawd! What a pity!_ - - * * * * * - -Their Specialty - -Written by a dealer in electric washing machines: - -“Don’t kill your wife. Get one of our machines to do the dirty work.” - - * * * * * - -Friend tells us that the way Clinton’s in New Haven advertises the record -is: “Come Where My Love Lies Dreaming with Male Chorus, $1.25.” This ad -was evidently written by the gent who said: “I stand back of every bed I -sell.” - - * * * * * - -With a girl of twenty, marriage is an adventure; at twenty-five, a -career; at thirty, a goal; and at forty, a haven of rest. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -In the old days, to the women fell the task of making gentlemen of the -men, but not now-a-days, according to our friend, Bob Toole, who claims -that the boys keep the girls in line during this grand and glorious age -of jazz. - -In dancing, conversing, playing, courting and “spooning,” the standards -of young boys and girls were fixed in the good old colonial days, by the -girls. Their natural feminine modesty erected sensible social barriers -and the chivalry of men made them sacred and preserved them. - -This order has been changed. Men now fix the standards. Naturally, -they are not as high as they “used to be.” A man is not as particular -in things moral and esthetic as the average girl. The modern man makes -a jazz hound of his lady. The modern girl endures a lot of things she -inherently dislikes. She puts up with annoying behavior just to be a good -fellow. She really doesn’t like this cheek-to-cheek and wiggly dancing; -but she stands for it, for she is too good a scout to be a kill-joy. And -just because she is such a good fellow about it, the men—good-hearted -fools!—become less lax in their behavior until they unconsciously impose -on good nature. - -Fellows, we’re going back again to the standards set by the natural -modesty and sweet reserve of the girls! And we’re going to like it, too! - -With wine gone, a “powerful” incentive to excessive “good fellowship” -has been removed. With equal suffrage a fact, girls will unconsciously -resent extreme impositions on their fine comradeship. There is certain -to be a good natured reaction on a part of the ladies. They are going -to set new standards. Not by law; by sweet common sense. Femininity -will never revert to prudery, but girls are going to amend sensibly -that “go-as-far-as-you-like” policy of good fellowship so that men will -realize girls are less common and more wonderful than ever before. - -And, we repeat, we’ll like it. - -Go to it, girls! Make us be good! - - * * * * * - -An Ohio editor allows that a man in Columbus got himself into a ton of -trouble by marrying two women without the formality of divorce from the -first. A Western observer points out that a good many men in that section -had gotten that way by marrying just one. A Southern editor has retorted -by alleging that quite a few of his friends found trouble enough by -merely promising to marry without going any further. And an old doughboy -friend of ours collected a goodly surplussage of grief when he was simply -found in company with another man’s wife. - - * * * * * - -If two souls are happily mated, there is no reason why either should live -in or refer to the past. Their Eden is in the present and the future of -what may be and not what has been. The man or woman should be sacredly -silent about the dead past, unless there is some person or something -which sooner or later may rise to bring darkness or death. The Bible -basis of marriage is a love which takes for better or worse the heart -which it calls its own. People ought not to marry unless they are so -devoted to each other that any later knowledge of what either may have -been or done would make no difference. - -Man’s inhumanity to woman is often earthly, selfish and devilish. Women -are naturally and generally better than men. If they err, it is usually -the man’s fault. The average young man is fortunate to secure any girl to -live with him as his wife. Keep still and ask no questions is the wise -way. There is no double moral standard for speech or silence for man or -woman. At the marriage altar, heaven demands no more of the woman than of -the man. That a woman should tell the past to a man who insists, though -it is none of his business, or that she should persist in confessing to -him when he does not care to hear it, is a piece of folly of which some -women are guilty. Where ignorance is bliss “’tis folly to be wise.” After -marriage it will do no good to tell what you said and did before. There -are many homes now happy, as if made under the wings of the angels, whose -members at one time left the paradise of innocence and wandered beneath -a roofless world. - -Love is blind. A true and genuine lover does not want to hear a girl’s -past; and if he did hear it from her own or another’s lips, it would -make no difference to him. If any one is to tell let it be the man, for -usually it is the woman and not he who runs the risk of a past. Let the -man confess who places the material above the mental and moral and thinks -of a wife as a cheap luxury, and of home as a dry-dock of repairs. No -matter how greatly discrowned, a woman may be recrowned. With her, heaven -is in the future and not in any past, she may serve, give, work and pray -with the love that is the crown jewel in her diadem. - -The sweetheart who is willing to be a wife is not man’s inferior or -superior, but equal in personal equivalent. The mere accident or -providence of sex does not entitle a man to any special privileged of -conduct before or after he is husband. Man’s character is judged by his -estimate of women. Such a poem as Hood’s “Bridge of Sighs” or Goldsmith’s -“Folly” would be impossible if men remembered not to act the part of -Faust to Margaret. - -“Go in peace and sin no more,” was the command to the fallen woman. -Confess to the one you have wronged, but don’t make a boastful show -before others. There are converted sinners in the pulpit and prayer -meeting who make a glory of their shame, unmindful of the advice, “See -thou tell no man.” It is the unpardonable sin of society that it would -cast and keep in deeper hell the woman with a past, though she be -willing to purify herself in the fire of remorse and baptize herself with -tears of repentance. - -Many a girl who once glittered in Folly’s and Fashion’s court has later -met and learned a true love. She was silent and devoted and today shines -a holy flame in the home as wife and mother. A woman may tell what she -is and hopes to be—not what she has been. The man who is fool and fiend -enough to insist that the Sphinx speak is unworthy of her. Let a man -remember to forgive and forget a woman’s past, as he hopes to have a -happy home here and hereafter. - - * * * * * - -Hello! or Ohell! - -Did you ever stop to think that there isn’t much difference between hello -and ohell—that ohell is just hello turned around? There’s nothing finer -in the English language it seems to me than a good old American “Hello!” -But give her the reverse English and you get a cussword—and when you say -“hello” to some people that is what you get. - - * * * * * - -How About This? - -The following want advertisement appeared in one of our well known -newspapers the other day: - -“Two sisters want washing. Will go anywhere.” - - * * * * * - -My girl shakes the shimmy so much, that she’s shaken herself out of -shape. - - - - -Smokehouse Poetry - - -_Smokehouse Poetry for October will feature three poems: one, the plea -of a prisoner; the second, a thrilling story of the squared ring by the -author of “The Kid’s Last Fight,” and the third, a comic jazz verse after -Langdon Smith’s “Evolution.”_ - -_“The Prisoner’s Prayer,” which is to be Number One on the poetry -billboard for October, was written on the stone wall of the Federal -penitentiary at McNeil Island, Washington, in September, 1909. It was -later memorized by another prisoner and just recently forwarded to the -Whiz Bang upon his release._ - - _“So hear ye the prayers from the prison,_ - _Where fever and famine are rife;_ - _Where never one soul has arisen,_ - _Where many go down in the strife.”_ - -_In response to inquiries from many readers we have obtained another copy -of “The Gila Monster Route” to replace the one which Maggie, the hired -girl, lost during our last farm house cleaning bee. It will be published -in the Winter Annual._ - - * * * * * - -Betrayed - -By Angela Morgan - - Bad, hopelessly bad! - I yielded to love that sways mankind, - Not the mere measure of bodily pleasure, - But love that wakes in the soul and the mind, - Born of the spirit at God’s behest: - And I bartered all I had. - - I, with the warmth of a child at my breast— - Am bad, hopelessly bad! - - Yet the power that molded my little son, - Is the same that moved for the wedded one; - Creation’s woes were just the same; - Had he only borne a father’s name. - Did love, that old fashioned universe - Fashion alike my curse? - - Listen, you who are true and good, - White and strong in your motherhood; - You with your wedding ring safe on your finger, - You who can linger, righteous and clean in love’s embrace: - Tell me the reason that I am base! - Are you so different after all? - - I answered the same high golden call - I yielded to love that is proud of pain— - Love, that reckoned not for gain; - And nature has made my child so fair, - As the child on your very shoulder there. - The same great impulse, deep and glad, - That hurls the suns and drives the earth - Brought both our children to this earth. - - Yet ... you are good and I am bad, - Vicious and evil and low, they say— - “A girl who has gone astray”; - - Yet the milk of my life is warm and white - That runs to his hungry mouth at night; - My words are soft, my arms are sweet, - My hands are kind to his little feet. - Can I, who live for my baby’s smile, - Be vile, hopelessly vile? - - O, great, broad, beautiful judgment day, - When dogmas of man are rent asunder, - And superstition is wiped away, - Will you plead for me, will you gently speak - For us who are voiceless and weak? - Plead for us, who must ever wonder? - Why we are hounded and held at bay— - We who can love, we who can pray: - - We, the mothers, who might be glad, - But are broken at heart and bitter and sad; - O, Future Day, will you write in flame, - The reason for sin and the reason for shame? - - That in all the city there seemed no room - No sweet clean place for my heart to bloom! - Oh, will you terribly tell the truth; - That the world which offers no worthy place, - For the light that shines in my baby’s face, - Offered no shelter for love and youth, - No guarding presence who understood, - My blossoming womanhood? - - So I sought his arms as a bird to nest - And I ... with the warmth of a child on my breast - I ... who bartered all that I had - Am bad ... hopelessly bad! - - * * * * * - -The Unwritten Law - -By Budd L. McKillips - - “Don’t kid me, I know that I’m dyin’, - The song of my life has been sung; - I’m done and there’s no use in tryin’ - To patch up a bullet torn lung. - - “I’ll bet, Doc, you think I’m a tough one - Who’d fight at the stroke of the bell— - You’re right, Doc, my life’s been a rough one, - And now I am headed for hell. - - “I used to be decent as any - Young man in that little mill town; - My friends in the village were many, - Until I commenced to go down. - - “’T’aint long when a fellow starts hittin’ - The booze till he’s gone the whole way; - And then when he thinks about quittin’, - He’s found that the devil’s to pay. - - “A woman—they’re always the reason - In my case the girl was my wife; - We married—were happy a season - And then trouble entered my life. - - “The man—we’d been palin’ together - Since both of us started to school; - I thought that he’d stick through all weather, - I trusted him—just like a fool. - - “He lived in my home like a brother, - For months our life went like a song, - And then I began to discover, - That somethin’ in life had gone wrong. - - “I watched till I thought I detected - My wife was wrapped up in his charms, - Then dropped into home unexpected, - And found her clasped tight in his arms. - - “I came in the room as she kissed him, - He saw me and begged for his life; - I shot at the cur, but I missed him— - He ran and left me with my wife. - - “My—wife—God! I’d found her no better - Than women who live on the street, - So diff’rent than when I first met her— - She screamed and fell dead at my feet. - - “Then somethin’ inside my brain parted - Like strings on a harp stretched too tight— - Doc, that was the time I got started; - I changed in a minute that night. - - “A few of my friends have stuck by me, - And assisted in lightening my load, - But the way most of them would eye me; - Soon caused me to hit for the road. - - “From city to city I’ve wandered, - And month after month rolled around; - What money I had I soon squandered, - But nowhere was peace to be found. - - “Sometimes for a day I’d be cheerful, - The thoughts of revenge would be still; - And then my poor brain would be clear full - Of him I had sworn I would kill. - - “Well, yesterday evenin’ I met him, - He begged and he pleaded and cried - For help, but I’d promised to get him— - I choked the dang cur till he died. - - “To make the job certain I drilled him - With five or six shots from my gun— - I’d killed him, yes dang him, I’d killed him!— - A cop came my way on the run. - - “I started to run to the river, - Then felt a sharp pain in my breast; - And fell in the street all aquiver— - A bullet had gone through my chest. - - “There’s no use to tell you the rest, Doc, - There’s nothin’ much more I can tell; - I’m happy, what I did was best, Doc— - They’re waitin’ for me down in hell. - - “It feels like the room’s gettin’ colder; - It’s dark and I’m startin’ to choke, - There’s somethin’ ahold of my shoulder! - So long Doc, I’m—goin’—to—croak.” - - * * * * * - -Going Down - - Man’s life is a vapour - And full of woes; - He cuts a caper - And down he goes, - And down, and down, - And down, and down, - And down he goes. - - * * * * * - - In my ear is the moan of the pines; - In my heart is the song of the sea - And I feel his wild breath on my face - As he showers his kisses on me. - And I hear the wild scream of the gulls - As they answer the call of the tide; - And I see the white sails, as they glisten - Like gems on the breast of a bride. - - * * * * * - -Hail to the Devil Dog - - He’s a drinker and a driller, - He’s a gambler and a sport; - He’s a hard old hand at fighting, - But at work he’s rather short, - The devil likes his fighting, - And the beauty way it’s done; - He’s a cross between a Christian - And the devil’s only son. - - His vice is like the most of men, - His virtue like a few, - But when you thump his metal, - You’ll find it’s ring is true; - He’s honored by the title, - Of a soldier and a man, - He’s Uncle Sammy’s nephew, - And all American. - - * * * * * - -A Tip For Wifey - - When your husband telephones to say, - “I won’t be home to-night - Till after twelve, I’ve lots to do,” - Just say, “Dear boy all right, - I’m going out myself to-night - And won’t be in till late.” - Will he come home on time? You bet - He’ll also come home straight. - - * * * * * - -Have a Drink, Boys? - -They were on a fast train through Arkansas (?). - -Every few minutes the lady across the aisle held a bottle to her lips. -The traveling man was thirsty. - -“How do you do,” said he. “What have you in that bottle, home brew?” - -“No,” she said, “I have consumption.” - - * * * * * - -Always - -Face the Music - -Even if it is your landlady’s daughter playing “The Maiden’s Prayer” on a -square piano. Some day you might be back on your board bill. - - * * * * * - - You need your money - And I need mine, - If we both get ours - It will sure be fine, - But if you get yours - And hold mine, too, - What in the divil - Am I going to do? - - * * * * * - -In the Game of Love - - In her first blossom, woman loves her lover; - In all the others, all she loves is love. - Here’s lovers two to the maiden true, - And four to the maid caressing, - But the wayward girl with the lips that curl, - Keeps twenty lovers guessing. - - * * * * * - -The dramatic triangle is caused by people not being on the square. - - - - -Our Movie Gossip - - -Los Angeles lawyers are laughing up their sleeves over the story -whispered in connection with the divorce suit of Agnes Schucker, known -to the screen world as Agnes Ayres, the Lasky leading lady, recently -elevated to stardom through the kindness of Wallie Reid. Because of the -fact that few people in California ever knew Miss Ayers under the name -of Schucker, the divorce suit of Agnes Schucker versus Captain Frank R. -Schucker, now with the United States Army in France, attracted little -if any attention. Thus it was, the gossips report, when pretty Agnes -Schucker recently entered the court room of Judge Summerfield, attired in -a plain brown dress and inconspicuous black hat, there were few in the -spectators’ gallery and none recognized the demure plaintiff as the Lasky -star. - -Tearfully Agnes’ mother told on the witness stand how she had to care -for her daughter, because of the alleged failure of Captain Schucker to -support Agnes. The mother’s testimony aroused the sympathy of the court -and the spectators, and there was a mention of a co-respondent “Lillian.” - -Everything was going lovely for Agnes until a cinema person from -Hollywood recognized her in the court room and unceremoniously tipped -off her identity to the judge. Hizzoner appeared peeved because Agnes -put on a little cinema drama all her own in his court room, assisted by -mamma’s weeps, and he threw the case out of court. - -Agnes’ lawyers then reopened the case on the grounds of desertion and -soon she is expecting to be traveling in single bliss. According to the -gossips, Agnes came back into court in the second trial her own real -movie self, and attired in a champagne colored gown trimmed in green, -and wearing a lavender hat trimmed with ostrich plumes. Mother, so it -is reported, explained later to the judge that she “misunderstood” the -question and that she merely meant she and Agnes lived in the same house; -not that she had to support her “victimized” daughter. - -Incidentally, Agnes has Wallie Reid to thank for her rapid rise in -filmdom, and Wallie, by the way, gives so many teas and dinners that it -is said he has to have two homes in order to accommodate all the parties, -the second one being somewhere in Laurel Canyon, and Agnes is rated among -his favorite dinner guests. - - * * * * * - -We have heard a story concerning our good friend Samuel Merwin, and if -it is true, we will have to give Samuel a gold medal. Sammie is out west -writing for the movies, and recently attended an exclusive house party -at Riverside. The story goes that on the homeward drive he was permitted -to escort a beautiful English girl. About two miles had been traveled, -so ’tis said, when the chauffeur reported the usual “blow-outs” and -“missings” and that Merwin and the girl had to wait long weary hours -during the “fixing” process. - -All of the young eligibles in California have been trying to land the -lovely English girl, but not Merwin, according to our bevy of Whiz -Bang Bunkers, because even the most loose-tongued gossips admit the -probability that during the two hours of waiting, Merwin went to sleep -and let the London beauty wait alone. - -Ah, romance, to where hath thou departed? - - * * * * * - -It wasn’t many months ago when J. Parker Reid, the director, with his -star, Louise Glaum, and other members of the company, took a little trip -to Tia Juana and San Diego. Of course, they went over to the Coronada -Hotel for dinner and there J. Parker Reid met a bevy of society folk. - -Now, you haven’t any idea how the society folk at Coronada fuss over -movie people. The Coronada crowd are an idle set with plenty of money, -little to do and an ambition to be considered clever. By informally -hob-nobbing with the writers and players of the movie colony from -Hollywood, they gain a new mental punch and are able to assume some of -the glamour, always emanating from the people who do interesting things. - -Louise Glaum has been conscientious in her art, you know. She is one of -the really hard working, conscientious women of her profession, and -we’ve heard she has some dependent relatives to support, and that she -never had much schooling, but has studied very hard by herself, and that -altogether her life hasn’t been an easy one. - -Louise’s pictures stopped making money a year or two ago, then she became -friendly with J. Parker and the tide in her fortunes seemed to change. -Reid perhaps fell in love with her, at least temporarily, and she perhaps -with him, and besides he raised capital to star her again. The pictures -were a success financially, and all the world seemed rosy for the hard -working actress. - -But, that trip to Coronada. J. Parker Reid, it seems, was fussed over a -wealthy Mrs. Piper. To her, a great motion picture director maybe was a -new idol for adoration. - -We wonder how it’s all coming out. J. Parker Reid some weeks ago made -it clear to Louise that their affair was over. In June he married Mrs. -Piper. Life’s a funny little game after all. - - * * * * * - -We are sorry to learn that some of the scandal mongers are whispering -derogatory rumors anent Jack Mulhall, because of the suicide of Laura -Mulhall in Hollywood while the decorations of the seventh wedding -anniversary party were still on the walls of their pretty home. Those who -are well acquainted with Jack declare he always was a “square shooter”; -that he had a splendid disposition and as a husband was as nearly right -as he knew how. He and his wife were constantly together and as far as -friends could see, she had been happy with him. The scandal peddlers -fail to appreciate the damage which they are doing to the future career -of Mulhall, not to mention the shadow placed over the three-year-old -freckle-faced boy. - - * * * * * - -Our Local Color - -Our good friend Gemmell, of the Minnesota and International Railroad, -wasn’t the railroad president who thought a gondola was a bird. In -fact, the blame is laid to Mr. Casey for suggesting that his company -purchase one male and one female gondola, so as to stock the city park of -Brainerd, Minn., with a flock or herd or covey of little gondolas. - - * * * * * - -Our friend Liebst reports that since his poem, the Hoboes Convention, -appeared in the Whiz Bang, he has received several letters from railroad -managers requesting permission to name a few box cars after him. Oh, -Fame, where is thy sting? - - * * * * * - -Ham Tomlin says he thinks he is growing old. He used to be able to kiss -his wife 20 times a day but now it take him all day to get up nerve -enough to kiss her once. - - * * * * * - -Don’t get jealous, boys, but I’ve just finished drinking some stuff that -was strong enough to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face. - - * * * * * - -It’s a lean Jane that has no curves. - - - - -Pasture Pot Pourri - - -Velvet Joe Says— - -_Don’t fuss with hubby about droppin’ tobacco ashes on the carpet. Them -ashes keep the moths out an’ the hubby in._ - - * * * * * - - Some folks would rather - Blow their own horns than - Listen to Sousa’s Band. - - * * * * * - -Greatness does not depend on size. Napoleon if he were living today would -never get a job as a cop. - - * * * * * - -And Very Nice, Too! - -A feller was engaged to a girl who was a twin. When asked how he told -them apart, he said: “Well, they’re both nice girls.” - - * * * * * - -=_Our friend Deegan insists an Irishman dies only when an angel is needed -in heaven._= - - * * * * * - -How can a man get a headache without brains? - - * * * * * - -A Family Dialogue - -He—I’m not coming home tonight, dearie. - -She—May I depend on that? (Oh, boy!) - - * * * * * - -Let’s Call It the Cockeyed Blues - -My girl’s eyes are so beautiful they can’t keep from looking at each -other. - - * * * * * - -=_Remember, boys, the turtle may be slow, but he’s always there for the -soup._= - - * * * * * - -We could love a girl as “pretty as a picture” provided she had a good -frame. - - * * * * * - -Honest, This Is True - - I no’a fel’la named Fawcett, - Who went to his cel’la dee’pos’it, - But when he got dare, - The barrel was bare, - And “Gus” was asleep at the Fau’cet. - - * * * * * - -Our idea of the height of vanity is to stand in front of a looking glass -when you’re asleep. - - * * * * * - -Pathetic, Ye Gods, Too Pathetic - -An Irishman and a Scotchman were standing at a bar—and the Irishman had -no money. - - * * * * * - -Glorious Daze - -Two drunks on a train. - -No. 1—“Whas sha time?” - -No. 2 (pulling card case out of pocket)—“Thurshday.” - -No. 1—“Thash our stashon. Letsh get off.” - - * * * * * - -Try This One - -=_The wedding cake was heavy, but the candles made it light._= - - * * * * * - -=_If your girl shakes you, don’t get rattled._= - - * * * * * - -Something to Worry About! - -A New Brunswick priest covered his eyes in shame as some girls passed him -at a bathing beach. - - * * * * * - -We Dodged Two Yesterday - -The starving pole cat leaned against the post without a cent. - - * * * * * - - “I’ll stick to you whate’er betide, - Though all the world may scoff.” - Thus spoke the heavy flannel shirt, - But the man said, “Aw, come off!” - - * * * * * - - He led her to the altar, ’twas merely tit for tat; - He led her to the altar, she led him after that. - - * * * * * - - He stood on the bridge at midnight, - Beneath the heaven’s great dome, - Because he was married and the jag that he carried, - Made him afraid to go home. - - * * * * * - -=_When I go to bed at night I snore so loud I cannot sleep. In fact, I am -often compelled to go into the next room so that I may not hear myself -snore._= - - * * * * * - - “How is the milk maid?” - He said with a bow. - “It isn’t made, Sir, - It comes from a cow.” - - * * * * * - -Very Versatile - -We heard the story the other day about a sailor at a ship’s concert who -was unable to sing as scheduled on the program, and who offered in lieu -thereof to show the audience the pictures tattoed on his chest. - - * * * * * - -Paris Made - -_A world war veteran hobbled into the hardware store the other day and -ordered some “tacks.”_ - -_“What kind?” asked the clerk._ - -_“I want to use them for garters,” said the lame Vet._ - - * * * * * - -A New Fad - -(A street sign in St. Paul) - -“GET YOUR SHOES SHINED INSIDE.” - - * * * * * - -X-Y-Z Tragedy - -“Combination shot,” murmured the pool shark, as he leaned too far over -the billiard table. - - * * * * * - -A Brief History - -Whiz Bang history of the world war: - -I want to go home! - -When do we eat? - -Who won the war? The Y.M.C.A. - -Don’t stand there, soldier. This is for officers only. - -If I hit, I don’t want any change. - -Was that pay day or mess call? - -Villa vouz promenade, M’lle? - -The battle of Vim Rouge. - -Mademoiselle fidelle, finee leguerre. - -Hello, Statue of Liberty! - - * * * * * - -An Autumn Song Success - -IF I HAVEN’T THE RENT THIS MONTH, DON’T YOU THINK THE LANDLORD OUGHT TO -HELP ME OUT? - - * * * * * - -Our Sentimental Melody - -_We have received several requests for copies of our original song -success published several months ago entitled, “You are a million miles -from nowhere when you hold her dainty hand.”_ - - * * * * * - -What a Pity - -Mike O’Reilly, of Butte, gazed mournfully at the corpse of his late -friend, who had but recently become an atheist, muttering to himself, -“You sure look fine, a clean shave, a new suit of clothes and a pair of -white gloves on you. All dressed up—and no place to go.” - - * * * * * - -Zoology - - When they first met he said, “a bear.” - He’d dog her footsteps everywhere. - She monkeyed with him for a year, - Although she said he was a deer. - A little horse-play hitched the two, - Now he’s the goat, it’s nothing gnu. - - * * * * * - -Our London Report - -To a young man who stood smoking a cigar the other day there approached -the elderly and impertinent reformer of meek and mild reputation. - -“How many cigars do you smoke a day?” asked the meddler. - -“Three,” answered the youth, as patiently as he could. - -“How much do you pay for them?” - -“A shilling each,” confessed the young man. - -“Don’t you know, sir,” continued the sage, “that if you saved that money, -by the time you are as old as I am you could own that big building over -the way?” - -“Do you own it?” inquired the smoker. - -“No.” - -“Well, I do,” replied the young man. - - - - -Japanese Bathing Beauties - -BY REV. GOLIGHTLY MORRILL - -Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -To the religious rambler, Japan is divided into two parts—that which is -inhabited by the Geisha girls, and that “cohabited” by the Yoshiwara. - -I thought more of the Geisha dancers than the dance, and that wasn’t -much. The word “Geisha” means accomplished one, and there are schools -for their education in music and the arts. People visit the girls more -for pleasure than for profit, and since they are one of the institutions -of Japan, I went one night to a tea-house to see them. Making myself as -comfortable as possible on the floor, a screen door was slipped aside, -and in came a pretty Geisha girl who touched her head to the floor three -times, sat down and looked at each one of our party. Immediately there -fluttered in three more, and they made the room look like an Oriental -bird cage. They sang for us in a tone that suggested an ungreased axle -or a nail drawn across a piece of glass, played on the samisen and -koto, which nothing but the genius of a Wagner could appreciate went -through a fancy fan drill and proved themselves good entertainers, but -felt embarrassed because we were not familiar and indecent. They acted -serious and spoke to one another, and I asked what was the trouble. It -seems they didn’t know what to make of us, as the average tourist was -usually boisterous, drunk and rough. - -The Yoshiwara is the red-lantern district of Japan. One night we formed -a stag party to visit the Tokio Yoshiwara, but we couldn’t shake the -“dears” who were as anxious to go as we were and insisted on accompanying -us. Our rickshaws rolled through squares and streets and miles of mud and -misery, until we came to what was in itself a “city of dreadful night,” -but all ablaze with electric lights. Here were squares of theatre-looking -buildings in which women, dressed in bright and fancy garb, sat by -little stoves, and sullen, smiling or smoking pipes, looked out at the -spectators. The government regulates this “social” as a “necessary evil,” -and houses, supervises and guards the girls. In Japan it is regarded as -noble and filial for a daughter to sell herself to support the father and -family who may have failed financially. The same thing is done in Europe -and America for wealth and social position, but differently estimated and -under another name. - -Here they squatted in butterfly regalia, with silk kimona, obi, glossy -black hair stuck full of combs and gold pins, eyes painted and faces -powdered, thrumming a little guitar, squeaking out a love-song, and -making goo-goo eyes in a way that would make one smile if he could forget -the hell-horror of the place. Some of the inmates do not leave until -death; others return to society, which welcomes and does not disown; one -may return to her home, loved and respected, but with none of the fine -clothes and jewels given by her admirers during her absence. However, the -place often becomes a matrimonial bureau, and the girl is met, courted -and selected by some Jap as his wife. In addition to segregation, there -is such a supervision that the inmates can’t leave for even an hour -without the consent of the police. - -Hotel life is interesting. If you are curious, you have only to wet your -thumb and thrust it through the wall paper of your bed chamber to get as -many views as Peeping Tom had of Lady Godiva. This hole privilege is, -however, only claimed by the traveler who has no respect for the holy of -holies at inn or temple. - -Japan is the land of the Rising Sun—and daughter, who with the whole -family will take their bath and leave the same water for you to swim in -unless you set your alarm clock for a very early hour, or sit up all -night to get there first. Imagine a public bath, if you can, for many -homes have no bathroom, where the water by 10:00 A.M. is like a roily -creek after a rain; by 3:00 P.M., yellow as the Missouri, and by bedtime -like the mud geysers of the Yellowstone. - -The public bath was the one thing we wanted to see and kept asking -about. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, and after visiting 2,738 of -the 3,000 temples in Kobe, I wanted to get “next” to a public bath. At -last I discovered one and sent the guide ahead to reconnoiter. He said, -“Come.” I passed the word along and the ladies came, but wished they -hadn’t. We entered and I became a “looker-on” at Venus in the bath, and -not one but many, who made the painted females in the Uffizi look like -chromos or Mrs. Jarley’s wax works. They eyed us with an indifference -that made us blush and look through our fingers for shame. With the ease -that only a model for the altogether possesses, they posed before the -mirrors, arranging their black hair, or poised like maids of the mist -by the steam tank. Their type of beauty is different. Jap beauty is in -angles, the American in curves. Nature made one with a ruler, the other -with a compass. As a rule, the baths for men and women are divided by a -wooden partition at the end of which sits the proprietor or his wife on -the lookout. Formerly there was no privacy and the fastidious foreigners -insisted that the sexes should be separated. This was accomplished by -placing a bamboo rod between them, but even that is discarded now in some -sections. Everybody gets into the swim, thus beautifully illustrating the -proverb, “Evil to him that evil thinks.” O tempora! O mores! - -One of the strongest impressions made upon me in my journey through Japan -was at Mogi, a malodorous little fishing village, out from Nagasaki, with -so large a smell that a blind man could easily find it by following his -nose. Coleridge, the poet, whose business it was to rely on imagination -rather than on fact, counted sixty well-defined and several stinks at -Cologne. He would have been overpowered here and called for the help of -a professor of higher mathematics to enumerate the volume and variety of -odors we encountered from Nagasaki to this town. - -A well made road lassoes the intervening foot-hills which are covered -with cultivated fields; the peasants were all busy, the children were -happy and more so when we threw them peanuts instead of “pansies” for -thoughts. Men, women and oxen were carrying various loads, but the common -one was a bamboo bucket affair balanced on both ends of a bamboo pole. -These buckets were not filled with milk, or cheese, or vegetables, but -with a substance which they had assiduously collected in accordance with -the Scripture, “Gather up the fragments that nothing be lost.” I can -never forget the ascent or the descent to Mogi. From rocky road, through -pretty forest, by picturesque ravine, we reached the fishermen’s huts -with their nets by the shore and beach where bathing mermaids can only be -caught and carried home in a camera. - - * * * * * - -The Last Chortle - -A magician having nearly finished his act without exciting any applause, -gave his best stunts, expecting to get a rise out of the audience, but -without result. He then advised that he had saved his very best trick for -the last and asked all who wanted to see the devil to raise their hands. -Receiving a hearty response, he told them to go to hell, leaving the -stage in much haste. - - * * * * * - -Back to Childhood Days - -I visited an insane hospital at Oshkosh, Wis., and the keeper took me -through. Up on the second floor we passed down a long hall. At the end -there was a heavily padded and ironed cell. The keeper said to me, “The -man in this cell is the most violent and strongest man we have here.” I -looked at him. He was of Herculean build. - -As we turned away, there was an awful crash and the front of the cell -was thrown out in the hall. I ran down the hall and the big fellow right -after me. I jumped out of a window at the end of the hall and he jumped -right after me. I ran around the hospital and he after me. The attendant -stuck his head out of a window and said to me “Why don’t you run?” I -said, “Do you think I am trying to throw this race?” - -I ran across a field and he was right after me. I could hear his -footsteps behind me. I ran into a plowed field and that slowed me up. -He was gaining on me. Finally he got near to me and he reached out and -slapped me on the back and said, “Tag, you’re it.” - - * * * * * - -How’s This One? - -Jiggs fell into a big vat of turpentine over at the paint factory. - -Did it hurt him? - -Don’t know, they haven’t caught him yet. - - * * * * * - -Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few -drops on yourself. - - - - -Our Rural Mail Box - - -=_Petie L. Arsony_=—The reason why they feed convicts coarse food is to -keep their blood pure, so that they won’t “break out.” - - * * * * * - -=_Johnnie L._=—A divorce suit should always be cleaned before being -pressed. - - * * * * * - -=_Sweet Sixteen_=—You’re wrong. Woman is known not by the company she -keeps, but by the company she does not keep. You did right in not keeping -Johnnie’s company. - - * * * * * - -=_B. Good Tome_=—No, B, all chickens do not use fowl language, but I have -met several who could swear quite fluently. - - * * * * * - -The Vanguard - - ’Tis weary watching wave by wave, - But still the tide sweeps onward; - We build like corals, grave by grave - But pave a path that’s sunward. - - We’re beaten back in many a fray, - But newer strength we borrow; - And where the vanguard camps to-day, - The rear shall camp tomorrow. - - * * * * * - -Ghouls, Take Note - -(From San Francisco Chronicle.) - -Wanted—Second hand Coffin or couch casket. Box 4050 Chronicle. - - * * * * * - -Drexerd Pulls This One - -He—Let’s go to the dance tonight. - -She—Why do you like to dance so much? - -He—Oh, for many reasons—I can put my arm around you, draw you up close, -feel your soft cheek against mine, and— - -She—That will do! Let’s stay at home and make believe we went to the -dance. - - * * * * * - -Jes’ a Jester Jest - -Some people say: “Get thee behind me, Satan and push me along.” - - * * * * * - -What Ho? - -First Lunch Hound—“Well, old strawberry, howsa boy? I just had a plate of -oxtail soup and feel bully.” - -Second Counter Fiend—“Nothing to it, old watermelon. I just had a plate -of hash and feel like everything.” - - * * * * * - - _He knew that she would thank him not,_ - _He cared not for her scorn;_ - _He offered her his street car seat,_ - _To keep her off his corn._ - - * * * * * - -Our Harnessed Bulls - -First Cop—Say, did you get that fellow’s number? - -Second Cop—No, he was going too fast. - -Say, but wasn’t that a fine looking dame in the back seat? - -Yep, wasn’t she though! - - - - -Musings of A Bachelor - - -Between two women of equal beauty, always pick the one who closes her -eyes when she kisses you. She’s not so likely to think you want to marry -her. - -The proof that men do not understand women is that they love them. The -proof that women =_do_= understand men is that they marry them. - -The first kiss is always stolen by the man. And the last one is always -begged by the woman. - -The length of a woman’s kiss nearly always depends upon the breadth of -her imagination. - -To remain a woman’s ideal a man must die a bachelor. - -A woman’s idea of Hell—“Nobody loves me and my clothes don’t fit.” - -If there were only three women left in the world, two of them would -immediately convene a court-martial to try the other one. - -Men frequently marry to keep other men from getting the woman they -desire. They are not always successful. - -The final definition of love is something that gives pain without hurting. - -Self-respect means a comfortable sense that you have not been found out. - -When a man commits a sin, he says, “How shall I conceal this?” When a -woman commits a sin she says, “How can I let my friends know of this -without bragging?” - -The theory that really to know two women one must introduce them is -ridiculous. It often results in a divorce. - -A woman’s head is not always turned by flattery; sometimes its peroxide. - -When a woman starts an idle rumor, it at once ceases to be idle. - -One beauty of being single is that it’s a dreadfully thrilling experience -until one’s wife finds it out. - -It must be dreadful to meet at dinner the man who ran away with one’s -wife. It places one under =_such_= an obligation! - -If there were only one bachelor in the world, every married woman would -still think she made a mistake when she married her husband. - -Experience in man is something which is brought with the tears of plain -women and the kisses of pretty ones. - -Love without respect is an angel with but one wing. - -To make marriage perfect, the husband should be deaf and the wife blind. - - * * * * * - -Life is a river. Men are the boats. Women are the sandbars. - - * * * * * - -Fashion note: Cellar steps are worn very much this year. - - * * * * * - -Our Army Daze - -About 2:00 o’clock one morning while making the rounds as Officer of the -Day, I was halted by a sentry on post. After giving the pass word and -being duly recognized, I asked for his special orders. You may imagine my -surprise as he stood at port arms and said: - - “Sir (hic), my special orders are: - This post extends from tank to tank; - Salute all officers according to rank; - Take charge of all the shot and shell, - And all the water in the (hic) well, - And all the wood that’s in the yard,— - In case of fire, alarm the guard. - These are the orders I received - From the gosh darned sentry I relieved. - If this isn’t so, may I drop dead; - I’ve only had two hours in bed, - (Hic) Sir (hic).” - - * * * * * - -Blankety Blank Verse - -By William Sanford - - My wife came in very late last night, - Explaining that she had spent the evening - With her friend Cora. - But she did not look me in the face - When she said it. - But what could I say, - Coming in but a moment before, - After having spent the evening - Myself - With Cora. - - * * * * * - -Even a fish won’t get caught—if it keeps its mouth shut. - - - - -Larry Turn the Crank - - -For the past year or so a flock of these motion picture fellows have been -coming to see Ye Editor with propositions to put out a Motion Picture -Edition of this little journal of wit, humor and filosophy, and now it -looks like we would succumb to these offers. - -At this writing, our Hollywood representative, Mr. Morrison B. Egbert, is -negotiating with film distributors for the putting on the screens of up -to eight thousand theaters weekly the - - Screen Edition - - OF - - Captain Billy’s - - WHIZ BANG - -The film will contain gems of early issues and new material not published -in current issues. Jokes, jests, jingles, advice to the lovelorn from -Captain Billy, Mail Bag, Pot Pourri and other delectable offerings will -be filmed. - -As this magazine reaches the hands of YOU, the Reader, the weekly film -should be ready for booking. If your theater doesn’t show it, ask the -manager to get busy and climb on our band wagon. In conclusion, as our -friend K. C. B. would remark— - - I Thank You. - - Captain Billy - - - - -_Our Winter Annual_ - - -In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal -will contain a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot -pourri, stories, and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22, will contain four times as much reading matter as the regular -issue of the Whiz Bang and will sell for one dollar per copy. It will be -a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and will -contain the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. -Included in the list will be: - - Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The - Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl - in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice - to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy - LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim. - -Advance orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in -which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today -with your check, money order or stamps. - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which - please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, - “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -Everywhere! - - -Whiz Bang is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single -copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher -at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. -24, September, 1921, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, SEPT 1921 *** - -***** This file should be named 61307-0.txt or 61307-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/1/3/0/61307/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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No. 24, September, 1921, by Various. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -.starbreak { - text-align: center; - clear: both; - margin: 1em auto; - letter-spacing: 2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 450%; -} - -.bbox { - page-break-before: always; - border: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.bbox-top { - border-top: double; - border-left: double; - border-right: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto; -} - -.box { - border: 2px solid black; - padding: 0.5em; -} - -.by { - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 130%; - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-bottom: 0.75em; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.coupon { - border-top: dashed black; - border-left: dashed black; - margin-left: 30%; - padding-left: 0.5em; - padding-right: 2em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.form { - width: 100%; - border-bottom: 1px dotted; -} - -.fts { - float: left; - max-width: 28%; -} - -.hanging { - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent1 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent2 { - text-indent: -1em; -} - -.poetry .indent4 { - text-indent: 1em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.sans { - font-family: sans-serif; - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 90%; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.spacer { - padding-left: 5em; -} - -.u { - border-bottom: 3px solid #f99630; -} - -.w20 { - max-width: 20em; -} - -.w40 { - max-width: 40em; - margin: auto; -} - -.orange { - border: double #f99630; - page-break-before: always; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.all-orange { - color: #f99630; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 24, -September, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 24, September, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: February 2, 2020 [EBook #61307] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, SEPT 1921 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 24, September, 1921</h1> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="430" height="600" alt="Cover image" /> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w40"> - -<div class="bbox-top"> - -<p class="center larger">Going Back to Paris, Soldier?</p> - -<p class="noindent">Would you like to take another trip to France, visit the old fighting -sectors and spend a few weeks in Paris? You can keep in touch with -the overseas days and with your comrades everywhere through The -Stars and Stripes, the weekly publication for all ex-service men. -Gives you a joy ride every week through the land of memories.</p> - -<p class="noindent">HAVE THE BOOK OF WALLY’S CARTOONS! Send Two Dollars -and we will enter your subscription for The Stars and Stripes for six -months and send you a complete collection, well bound, of all the -overseas cartoons of Wally, the famous Stars and Stripes cartoonist. -The greatest memory book of the World War. Just Two Dollars for -The Stars and Stripes and the Book of Wally’s Overseas Cartoons -Complete! Send today!</p> - -<p class="center">The Stars and Stripes Publishing Co.<br /> -205 Bond Building <span class="spacer">WASHINGTON, D. C.</span></p> - -</div> - -<div class="bbox-top"> - -<p class="center larger">BATHING BEAUTIES!</p> - -<p class="noindent">Real Photographs of the famous California Bathing -Girls. Just the thing for your den! Sizes. 3½ × 5½ -Positively the best on the market.</p> - -<p class="center">ASSORTMENT OF 6 for 25c or 25 for $1.00</p> - -<p>Send Money Order or Stamps. Foreign money not accepted unless -exchange is included.</p> - -<p class="center">EGBERT BROTHERS<br /> -Dept. W. B. 303 Buena Vista St., <span class="spacer">LOS ANGELES, CAL.</span></p> - -<p class="center smaller"><i>Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in U.S. Write for wholesale terms.</i></p> - -</div> - -<div class="bbox"> - -<p class="center larger"><i>Subscribe Now</i></p> - -<p class="fts">If you like our Farmyard -Filosophy and Foolishness, -fill in this coupon.<br /><br />$2.50 per year.</p> - -<div class="coupon"> - -<p class="right">Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang,<br /> -R.R.2, Robbinsdale, Minn.</p> - -<p class="right">Enclosed is money order<br /> -(or check) for subscription<br /> -commencing with .................. issue<br /> -<span style="padding-right: 3em;">MONTH</span></p> - -<div class="form">Name</div> -<div class="form">Street</div> -<div class="form">City & State</div> - -</div> - -</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Title page image" /> - -<p class="caption"><i>Captain Billy’s<br /> -Whiz Bang</i></p> - -<p class="caption"><i>America’s Magazine of<br /> -Wit, Humor and<br /> -Filosophy</i></p> - -<p class="caption">SEPTEMBER, 1921 <span class="spacer">Vol. II. No. 24</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Published Monthly<br /> -W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2<br /> -at Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="caption">Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice at -Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the -Act of March 3, 1879.</p> - -<p class="caption">Price 25 cents <span class="spacer">$2.50 per year</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part -permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is -loyalty to the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt.</p> - -<p class="center">Copyright 1921<br /> -By W. H. Fawcett</p> - -<div class="box"> - -<p>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. -Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news -stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no -clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a -year in advance.</p> - -</div> - -<p class="center">Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and -dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Drippings From the Fawcett</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The modern city can be likened to that grim -monster of old dreams to whom a tribute -of maidens was offered. The main difference -between them lies in the fact that his appetite -for girl-flesh had its limitations, but the -appetite of the city had none. From this vast -charnel house of hopes, beliefs and ideals files -upward a steady stream of damned souls that -once belonged to women-children, pure in -thought and deed. The crushing of one or a -thousand of these “wee modest crimson-tipped -flowers” beneath the ploughshares of city life -and temptation excites only passing remark.</p> - -<p>The girl of the city has much more actual -animation than her sister of the country. This -is due to the food that is eaten and the social -conditions of excitement that surround her. The -country girl lives upon plain food and has normal -hours of rest and relaxation. She does not -encounter the sights or sounds that would tend -to divert her attention from high thoughts to -matters forbidden.</p> - -<p>Such sights and sounds are never absent -from the city girl. She cannot go into the business -part of the city and walk two blocks without -being reminded of her sex. Men eye her with -glances of suggestion and invitation.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">You don’t have to go to West Point for -strategy. A negro preacher in his pulpit -one Sunday said he had a few remarks -to make before the collection basket made its -peregrination.</p> - -<p>“Now, brethren and sisters,” he began, -“there is just one brethren here that is untrue -to his church, untrue to his Lord—and worst -of all, untrue to his wife. Unless he puts a -five dollar bill into the contribution box I -will be compelled to call his name out.”</p> - -<p>When the basket had returned and a recount -had been made, the books showed forty-two five -dollar bills and a two dollar bill with a note -pinned to it saying, “I will hand you the other -three in the morning. Please don’t give me -away.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">“Only a Mother Could Love a Prohibitionist’s -Face.” That is the inscription -which appeared on one of the banners -in the Anti-Dry parade which I had the pleasure -of witnessing in New York City while -en-route back from the big fight which ye -editor attended.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Around Robbinsdale they get up early. -Two farmers, jealous of their rising records, -became boastful and one allowed as -how he got up before three o’clock. The other -rose at two the next morning and called at his -neighbor’s house, hoping to find him in bed. -The farmer’s wife came to the door.</p> - -<p>“Where is your husband?” inquired the -sleuth.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> - -<p>“Why, he was around here early this morning, -but I don’t know where he is now.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Gus, our hired man, insists that Deacon -Kingdon is a good shot.</p> - -<p>“He is so good with his gun that he hit the -bull’s-eye the first time,” Gus exclaimed.</p> - -<p>“Very good,” exclaimed Maggie, our cook.</p> - -<p>“Yes, but he had to pay for the bull.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pinkham’s Home Broo</h3> - -<p>Pursue a wild bull frog thirteen miles, carefully -gathering the hops. Then add:</p> - -<p>Ten gallons pickle brine</p> - -<p>Two quarts shellac</p> - -<p>One bar home-made soap</p> - -<p>One pint sweet spirits of nitre.</p> - -<p>Boil mixture three weeks, then strain -through an I. W. W. sock to prevent mixture -from working. Bottle and add one jackass to -each pint to give it the proper kick.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>This Is For Railroaders</h3> - -<p>Casey, a section boss on the Great Northern -railway, in making his report to the superintendent, -used considerable profanity, so the -superintendent said: “Casey, I have lady stenographers -here and if you must use that profanity, -after this you must write your own reports.” -“A train from Duluth came lickety -skoot and passed me hand car by. Some son -of a gun left open a switch and it piled them -ten cars high.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Georges Carpenter lost a battle -last July, but he won a greater prize -than the golden purse and the coveted -belt offered at Jersey City. The handsome -Frenchman showed America the smile of -Napoleon; the stoical smile of defeat.</p> - -<p>As one of the multitude witnessing the -brief clash of France and America at Boyle’s -Thirty Acres, permit me to remark that Carpentier -<b><i>did not</i></b> live up to his reputation as -great pugilistic champion, but he more than -met his reputation as a great red-blooded gentleman.</p> - -<p>The American won, but the applause usually -due the winner was lost in the outburst of surprise -of the multitude. Carpentier, instead of -hanging his head at the defeat of his hopes -and aspirations for the title, hid his sorrow -behind a great big boyish smile. He wore that -smile through the blood-stained rounds, and it -radiated as the gong clanged.</p> - -<p>The soul of fighting France was behind that -smile; the same as the smile of Napoleon as -he handed over his army to Wellington at Waterloo, -and the likeness of Joffre at the first -battle of the Marne. It puzzled his primitive -opponent. Dempsey was bewildered—his face -revealed his knowledge that behind that smile -was a superior intellectual being.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>What good is alimony on a cold night?</i></b></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Many who “kiss and make up” don’t like the -taste of the “make-up.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Doug’s Peacock Walk</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">BY RICHMOND</p> - -<p class="dropcap">What are the personal peculiarities of -film people? In view of the fact that -it is our bounden duty to torment, dilate -and comment upon ye people of the screen, it -behooves us to stop now and then to observe -what they are and how they become that way, -aside from being good looking, drawing big -money and getting divorced.</p> - -<p>Let’s get right down to business. Take -Allan Dwan, a well known director. Dwan -doesn’t hate himself any more than the law -provides for. In fact, there is no reason Dwan -should despise himself. He was a good electrical -engineer; became interested in pictures -and makes various flurries of coin according -to the Angels who can be dug up to back his -ventures.</p> - -<p>Dwan formerly was a good athlete. He is -powerfully constructed but noticeably short. -About the studios it is well understood that -one of the few faults Dwan finds with himself -is that he isn’t just up to his own personal -idea of tallness. If he has a tender spot, it -hinges upon this item of feet up and down. -Someone conceived the idea that in order to -tab him “Napoleon.” But that line of bull<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span> -has been overdone and so another gag had to -be hatched up. “The Big Little Man,” that is -what those in close touch with Dwan call him -when they desire to make a favorable impression. -“The Big Little Man,” that’s a good title—better -than some of the ones that appear on -Dwan’s pictures and a lot of other pictures.</p> - -<p>Thus we dispose of Mr. Dwan, a cocky, -brainy, peppy little fellow whose only regret -is that he should be a little longer. Next we -will consider Mr. Fairbanks, Mary’s present -husband, barring every state in the Union but -Nevada—and Nevada isn’t quite certain that -Mary is still married to Owen Moore. Doug -likes to tread about with his gang of retainers -at his heels. Fairbanks cottons to the custom, -styles and bequeathments of the English sporting -gentlemen who stalked abroad with a company -of idol worshippers.</p> - -<p>Doug is not always the most distinguished -looking of his company. At any event, he frequently -is not the most noticeable. It was -Fairbanks that discovered the now famous -Bull Montana, who doubles for monkeys when -one is required in the cast and whose ability -to take punishment one time resulted in nine -fire hoses being turned on him at once as he -was swept down the gutter.</p> - -<p>When Doug Fairbanks and Bull Montana -walk down the street together the Bull “takes -it away from him,” as they say in the pictures -when a subservient character grabs the best of -the scene from the star. Bull has a face, at -once fearsome and fascinating. He is so ugly -that crowds follow him around. It is a frequent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> -spectacle in Los Angeles to see Fairbanks, -Bull Montana, Spike Robinson, Crooked -Nosed Murphy, Benny Zeidmann, the press -agent de luxe, and Mark Larkin, Fairbanks’ -special representative, beating it down the -broad. Of course, Doug always struts in front, -while the others in platoon formation tread -proudly in the rear. The only place where -Doug falls down is that some of his gang look -funnier than Doug acts on the screen and the -big star stands a chance of being overlooked -in the “what the h—is coming here” attitude -that rends the atmosphere as the Fairbanks -battalion bears down upon the multitude. Yes, -Doug likes to lead his gang into the big hotel -corridors, where his cohorts then fade gracefully -into the oblivion necessary to leave Doug -alone in his solitude for the yokels to admire -and wonder at. You gotta hand it to Doug for -rushing in with his gang and then giving them -the fade away sign at the psychological moment.</p> - -<p>Lottie Pickford—we have thought out loud -a time or two before in these columns about -Lottie. Unlike the demure Mary, Lottie likes -the jazz stuff, the bright lights and some good -looking young dude hanging around her. We -never saw Lottie chew tobacco, but she can -stow away a lot of the “grape.”</p> - -<p>If we had our decision to make as regards -Lottie’s chief peculiarity we would say that her -idea is to be thoroughly known as Mary’s sister -by doing things that Mary doesn’t. Lottie -isn’t the first contrary girl, though, who can<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> -claim to be of famous family. There was Miss -Roosevelt and later Mrs. Longworth. Didn’t -the colonel himself call long and loudly for -commodious families? And did you ever read -that his daughter attained any particular fame -aside from smoking cigarettes and not rearing -children?</p> - -<p>If you are a sort of a junior member of a -family and fear that you will be overshadowed -by some relative, cast for a famous mold, one -way to attract attention is to copy the other -one—backwards.</p> - -<p>We come to Fatty—Roscoe Arbuckle. Roscoe’s -peculiarity just now is to have people try -and forget that his name is Fatty. Roscoe is -getting dignified. He has half a dozen cars, -just because people came to know him as “Fatty -Arbuckle” and paid a lot of dough to see -him. Just where Fatty expects to promote -himself by being Roscoe passeth understanding. -Surely he doesn’t think that he could act seriously -without being thought funny. Perhaps -Fatty is subtle. He may have tired of drawing -laughs as a result of acting natural and figures -he may get as many more by trying not -to appear natural.</p> - -<p>Now we are down to Mr. Griffith. Mr. -Griffith, to our notion, is a great director. -But Mr. Griffith is more or less deftly endeavoring -to implant the idea in the public -mind that he is a poet. That is Mr. Griffith’s -peculiarity. He would not be seen much in -public; rather he seeks to attract attention by -remaining in seclusion. His well organized<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> -staff and his actors and actresses, who like -him much, never pass up an opportunity to -breathe it about that “Mr. Griffith is a poet.”</p> - -<p>We never read any of David’s verses, but -if he is a poet, it devoutly is to be desired that -there were more poets and fewer directors -operating in pictures.</p> - -<p>After all, these little peculiarities or hobbies -of the picture people are not harmful to -any one in particular. We all like to strut and -fluff and show our fine feathers. It’s human -nature.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We’ll Say So!</h3> - -<p>While Al. Jolson, the black-face comedian, -was touring the Pacific Coast with his latest -starring vehicle, “Sinbad,” he visited the California -insane asylum, at Napa. Passing -through one of the wards he noticed a rather -neat chap and asked the attendant the nature -of the fellow’s trouble.</p> - -<p>The attendant told the comedian that it was -a new case. Had only arrived the previous -day.</p> - -<p>Jolson approached the patient and inquired -“If you had only one wish in the world, and it -would be granted, what would you wish for?”</p> - -<p>The patient looked at Jolson and said, “I’d -wish that Volstead was born with a thirst!”</p> - -<p>With a smile Jolson replied, “You might -have been crazy when they brought you here -yesterday, brother, but you’re talking good -sense today!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Traffic Cop</h3> - -<p>Thomas Patrick Gallagher, typical Irish -traffic copper, was stationed on Madison street -in Chicago at the point intersected by the -River.</p> - -<p>One bustling Saturday afternoon, Gallagher -held up his hand to halt traffic for the draw -bridge. In front of him was a new handsome -limousine motor car.</p> - -<p>While waiting for the bridge to close, a runabout -flivver crashed into the rear end of the -handsome car.</p> - -<p>Gallagher was on the job promptly and -hustled over to the driver of the flivver.</p> - -<p>“Phwat in hal does yez mane by smashing -into this handsome car? Haven’t you got any -eyes?” he bellowed at the meek and humble -driver, “Are you crazy? I’ve a good mind to -take you down to the headquarters, you blithering -idiot. What’s your name?” continued Gallagher, -as he extracted a pencil and notebook -from his pocket, “What is the number of your -car?”</p> - -<p>The answer came back in typical Gaelic, “Me -name is Clancy.”</p> - -<p>“Clancy,” replied Gallagher. “Clancy, what -part of Ireland are you from, what county?”</p> - -<p>“I am from County Mayo.”</p> - -<p>“County Mayo,” continued the traffic officer, -“County Mayo, say Clancy, stay here just -a minute till I go ahead to that big car and -see why in the devil he backed into you.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Ikey’s Recklessness</h3> - -<p>Ikey, eleven years of age and of unmistakable -Hebrew persuasion, was taken out of -school and put to work in a nearby store, where -he was rewarded with the princely honorarium -of a dollar and a half per week. For the first -three weeks, Ikey brought home the pay envelope -on Saturday night and turned it over to -his mother. On the fourth Saturday, however, -he was five cents short.</p> - -<p>“Ikey,” said his mother, “where is that other -nickel?”</p> - -<p>“I need that nickel, ma,” replied Ikey.</p> - -<p>For the next three weeks this dialogue was -repeated when the week’s pay was turned in. -The following Saturday Rachel had further -cause for suspicion, for there was only $1.40 in -the pay envelope.</p> - -<p>“Ikey,” she said, “what have you done with -that dime?”</p> - -<p>“Ma,” said Ikey, “I had to have that dime -myself.”</p> - -<p>“Now, Ikey, tell your mother the truth; are -you going with a woman?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Overwhelmingly</h3> - -<p>A member of Congress recently became a -parent. On announcing the news the doctor -exclaimed gleefully: “I congratulate you, sir; -you are the father of triplets.”</p> - -<p>The congressman was astonished.</p> - -<p>“No, no, no,” he replied, with more than parliamentary -emphasis, “there must be some mistake -in the returns. I demand a recount!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Cassidy’s Routing</h3> - -<p>Employed in the Great Northern yards in -Minneapolis is a switchman whom we will call -Cassidy.</p> - -<p>One day Cassidy entered the superintendent’s -office without removing his cap or pipe.</p> - -<p>“I want a pass to Duluth,” he said.</p> - -<p>His evident show of disrespect peeved the -superintendent. “Well, Mr. Cassidy, you -haven’t approached me in quite the proper manner,” -he answered gruffly. “Here you have -your cap on your head and your clay pipe stuck -in your mouth. Do you believe this is showing -proper respect for your superior officer? If -you desire a pass to Duluth, you must leave this -office at once, walk around for an hour or two, -and come back. As you step in my office, you -will ask for the superintendent of the Great -Northern; I will reply, ‘I am the superintendent -of the Great Northern, what can I do for -you?’”</p> - -<p>Cassidy promptly departed. He had been -gone about an hour, when he came back, pipe in -his pocket and cap in his hand. He walked -briskly into the superintendent’s office and inquired -in a rather superior manner, “Are you -the superintendent of the Great Northern?”</p> - -<p>“I am, what can I do for you?” was the -reply.</p> - -<p>“You can go to hell, I’ve got a pass over the -Northern Pacific.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">It is always good to be nice, but not always nice to -be good.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Limber Kicks</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Bow Wow</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">This is so the entire world through,</div> -<div class="verse">You imagine a maiden loves yough—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Like the wind bends the bough,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">You are bent by the rough,</div> -<div class="verse">Then left and forsaken—bough-wough.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse indent2"><span class="sans">Before marriage,</span></div> -<div class="verse">With wondrous care,</div> -<div class="verse">She seeks the mirror</div> -<div class="verse">And bangs her hair.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse indent2"><span class="sans">After marriage,</span></div> -<div class="verse">With angry glare,</div> -<div class="verse">She grabs her slipper</div> -<div class="verse">And bangs her heir.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Ask Bob He Knows</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A miss is as good as a mile,</div> -<div class="verse">A kiss is as good as a smile,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">But four painted kings</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Are the beautiful things</div> -<div class="verse">That are good for the other man’s pile.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The ballet’s not the drawing card</div> -<div class="verse indent1">That once it used to be.</div> -<div class="verse">Ah! when it dies, may some good bard</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Indite its L. E. G.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“How do you like codfish balls?”</div> -<div class="verse">I said to sister Jenny.</div> -<div class="verse">“Well, really May, I couldn’t say,</div> -<div class="verse">I have never been to any.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Poor Lot’s wife turned to salt, alas!</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Her fate was most unkind.</div> -<div class="verse">No doubt she only wished to see</div> -<div class="verse indent1">How hung her skirt behind.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Power of the “Press”</h3> - -<p>“Now, girls,” warned the Sunday School -teacher, “I want to caution you against making -friends with the new barber who has just -opened a shop in the village. A friend of mine -who knew him in the town where he was -reared tells me he tries to make love to every -girl he calls on.”</p> - -<p>“The girls in this burg are sure friendly,” -confided the new barber to one of his patrons -two days later. “Last night I took a stroll -around the town and every girl I met smiled at -me.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The lightning flashed, the lightning crashed,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">The skies were rent asunder,</div> -<div class="verse">With shriek and wail loud blew the gale,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And then it rained like thunder.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wall, I Calc’late!</h3> - -<p>“Well, Si,” asked the justice of the peace of -the lone constable, “what is this man charged -with?”</p> - -<p>“Bigotry,” answered Si. “He’s got three -wives.”</p> - -<p>“By gosh, Si,” exclaimed his honor, “where’s -your education? That ain’t bigotry, that’s -trigonometry!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We’d Say So</h3> - -<p>When a young man with his arm around a -girl lets a lighted cigarette fall inside his sport -shirt and it feels like a drop of ice water, it is -time either to propose or go home.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Female detectives should be good lookers.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Naughty New York!</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">It looks like a pretty dreadful affair all -the way ’round to me; here’s Mrs. Lydig -Hoyt says that skirts gotta come down because -the girls are wearing them to the ankles -in Paris; but here’s little Betty Compson, the -movie princess, says they are not to come down—not -even to the ankles.</p> - -<p>“It’s the movie girls and not Parisian professional -models nor New York society women -who make the fashions for America,” says -Betty. Which, when you come to think about -it, is a terrible slam for Mrs. Hoyt—an intimation -that she is not considered a regular movie -queen, in spite of the fact that she shook the -pink teas of the Four Hundred for a part in -Norma Talmadge’s company, and is now -about to burst into the world of art with a -company of her own.</p> - -<p>The truth is, New York society women have -apparently gone dippy over getting into the -movies.</p> - -<p>The other day I was out at the Griffith -studio at Marmaroneck watching a starving -mob in rags crying for bread in the streets of -ancient Paris. Among the actors there was one -who stood out. She was a shriveled old woman -with thin hands and haggard eyes. Her clothes -were torn half off, showing her shrunken<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> -breasts and bony shoulders. When “D. W.” -gave the signal for the action to begin, she -fairly made you feel the agony of her hunger.</p> - -<p>When there came, at last, an interval in -the work, she beckoned to a maid who stood -near the set. “Go out to the yacht and get me -my cigarette case,” she said.</p> - -<p>It turned out that the old lady was a very -rich woman with a garage filled with imported -automobiles and a steam yacht. She just had -the “itch” to act in the movies.</p> - -<p>It’s a little secret that is giggled up and -down Fifth avenue that one of the “extra -girls” in the ball room scene in “Way Down -East” was Evelyn Walsh, who is considered to -be the richest unmarried woman in the world. -Mrs. Morgan Belmont was also in the same -picture.</p> - -<p>Perhaps it was the movies that did it; but -anyhow, times have changed in the old Four -Hundred in New York. It is only the Texas oil -millionairesses who continue to elevate the -haughty nose in mid-air and give you a far-away -stare.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Belmont, when I saw her in a picture -studio, was sitting on the edge of a piece of -scenery, smoking a cigarette that she had borrowed -from a stage hand. She was excitedly -debating an exciting question. She was contending -that Jack Dempsey could have licked -Jack Johnson when the big dinge was at his -very best.</p> - -<p>It happened that I sat in a business conference -with Anne Morgan the other day. She<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> -was the most simple and democratic person -present. She sat still and listened until every -one else had expressed his opinion. Finally -she threw away the butt of her cigarette and -said abruptly, “Look here. We are all talking -around in circles and getting nowhere.” Then -she stated the case with the directness and -clarity of a corporation lawyer. “You know,” -she said in explanation, “My father was a -banker.” I wonder if she thought she was telling -anybody any news! J. Pierpont Morgan -was the said father.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Morgan Belmont isn’t likely to squeeze -Mary Pickford out of her job. She was just -in pictures on account of her name. In the -case of Mrs. Lydig Hoyt, however, it is different. -She is really a marvelously beautiful -woman and may go far in the cinema.</p> - -<p>Like most of the women in society, she is -sick of gadding around tea parties. This stuff -may be all right in F. Scott Fitzgerald flapper -novels, but gets wearisome in real life.</p> - -<p>Speaking of F. Scott Fitzgerald, I understand -that Princeton University is so vexed -with this youthful prodigy that he discreetly -omits the usual dutiful visits to his alma -mater. What’s ailing Princeton is Mr. Fitzgerald’s -book, “This Side of Paradise,” in -which he told some painful truths about college -life. I couldn’t see anything so terrible about -it; but Princeton was touchy.</p> - -<p>In fact, I don’t see how anybody could -“stay mad” at this child of genius. He is -really a charming boy. He looks about seventeen,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> -with those he-vamp blue eyes. I understand -that “This Side of Paradise” was practically -his own life, except that he really married -the young society flapper who “trun him -down” in the book. She is a very beautiful girl -and the boy genius is obviously crazy about -her.</p> - -<p>Another “best seller” who is looking at the -tall buildings of New York is Harold Bell -Wright, the sales of whose books have now -amounted to something over 9,000,000 copies.</p> - -<p>The first time I ever saw the illustrious -Harold was in Chicago, where he had come to -sell his first books. He was a green little -country preacher from a “riding” circuit in the -Ozark mountains in Arkansas. He was so -green that a sure-thing man would have been -ashamed to sell him gold bricks. He looked -pained when you spoke of writing for money; -he said he only wrote to give a message to -the world. I saw him again at the Waldorf -the other day. He has made a couple of million -dollars; got a divorce and a Rolls-Royce -and other modern equipment.</p> - -<p>In spite of his enormous success as a best -seller, I am told that Harold has a canker eating -at his heart. He grieves because the literary -critics will not take his work seriously, but -“kid” him as a “he” Laura Jean Libbey.</p> - -<p>The other day, New York was electrified by -a story that Hearst had quarreled with Marion -Davies and that that attractive young lady -was to cease to be a film star in the Hearst -studios. But if there was a row, Marion must<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> -have won the bout. She is not only still the -queen at the studio at One Hundred and Twenty-fifth -street, but her brother-in-law has just -been placed in supreme command. I am told -that everything is getting on with peace and -harmony—the kind of peace and harmony -where nobody dares to be the first to leave a -group and always walks out of the room sideways -with his back to the wall.</p> - -<p>And now that we are speaking about Hearst—Like -all men of brilliant mind, he has his -little eccentricities. His is that he never can -find his automobile. He owns some twenty -cars, but never can find one. He brings his -car downtown; forgets it and walks away to -the nearest taxicab. The chauffeur waits -around until he knows that W. R. is lost again -and goes home. Wherefore you invariably encounter -Hearst riding around New York in sad -and disreputable looking taxicabs. Occasionally, -he asks his subordinates if “anybody -knows where I left my automobile.” Hearst, -however, is a man of penetrating intellect. -Don’t let anybody tell you the old yarn about -his success being due to his brilliant subordinates. -He has a mind that cuts like a slashing -knife.</p> - -<p>To meet him personally, you would think -him the newest and meekest reporter in the -Hearst service. He comes into the offices of -his hired men with a shy bashful air and -usually says, “I hope I am not in the way.” -But just let them try to disobey his orders -and see how meek he is. Wow!</p> - -<p>Our old friend, Wilbur F. Crafts, the reformer,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> -has spent a busy summer in New York. -He has been horrified in turn over the Dempsey-Carpentier -fight, over the frightful case of -some girls who wore one-piece bathing suits at -Atlantic City; over some good respectable families -who wanted to walk down to the beach in -their regular clothes, with their bathing suits -underneath and slip off the top layer, thus -foiling the bath house robbers. Wilbur also -had a spasm of excitement because Tex Rickard -had some children from Panama giving -some exhibitions of swimming in his big pool -in Madison Square Garden.</p> - -<p>Some time ago, in a censorship hearing, I -actually heard the Rev. Wilbur admit that he -was wrong. He had presented a bill he wanted -passed, creating a national censorship. One -of his friends on the congressional committee -raised his eyes humbly to the chandeliers and -said he wanted to offer a criticism. Rev. Crafts -said he always welcomes honest criticism; he -tried to do his humble best, but if wrong, wanted -to be corrected; hence he would yield to -the congressional gentleman and accept his -amendment. The amendment was to boost the -salary of the job Rev. Crafts was after from -$4,000 to $8,000 a year. He certainly yielded -like a Christian martyr.</p> - -<p>But about these girls and their one-piece -suits that shocked Atlantic City almost beyond -human endurance.</p> - -<p>Near Atlantic City is a little strip of beach -called Somer’s Point. When the police chased -the Annette Kellermanns off the beach at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> -Atlantic City, the mayor of Somer’s Point said -they could come to his beach, b’ gosh. And so -they went—and so the road around Somer’s -Point has been blocked all summer—and so -Mayor Robert Crissey, who is seventy-two, but -has young ideas, is famous. A discreet man -is Mayor Crissey, nevertheless.</p> - -<p>After the first Sunday of the girl show, he -issued a statement in which he said he thought -one-piece suits were all right. “And,” he added -with a burst of real inspiration, “I am going -to buy my wife one just like ’em.”</p> - -<p>Some one has lifted up his voice and wept -because, among the other famous New York -gin palaces to go with incoming prohibition, is -the far-famed one formerly run by Tom Sharkey, -the old sailor heavy weight fighter.</p> - -<p>Tom was a funny old fellow with not much -more than a distant acquaintance with English -grammar and such.</p> - -<p>When he completed his fine saloon, one of -his first visitors was his former manager, Tim -McGrath. They looked over the place together. -At length Tim said to him, “Tom, you have a -fine place, but there is one thing more you -should do to it.”</p> - -<p>“And what’s that?” said Tom suspiciously.</p> - -<p>“Right here above the entrance you should -have a fine big chandelier.”</p> - -<p>“Yeh, I know,” replied Tom, yawning, “But -who would I get to play it?”</p> - -<p>That “Garden-of-Eden” party with naked -young ladies dancing, outside of Boston, which -cost Adolph Zukor and Hi Abrams, the movie<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span> -magnates, $100,000 to quiet, and which may cost -the Massachusetts district attorney his job, -was the second time this year the aforesaid -magnates have burst into fame.</p> - -<p>They—at least one of them—is said to have -been in the big stud poker party in which a -slick gent with marked cards took in a circle -of movie men for a cool $500,000. They had -him arrested, but dropped the case because the -department of public charities of New York -set up a claim for five times the amount of the -money lost as a penalty for playing poker—which -is the New York law.</p> - -<p>I can tell you a little secret about that game. -That slicker would have been trimming them -yet except for the quick wittedness of Norma -Talmadge.</p> - -<p>It was at their home—of herself and her -husband, Mr. Schenk—that the game had been -taking place once a week for months. Coming -suddenly into the hall, Norma saw the slick -guest slip a pack of cards into his overcoat -pocket and take another pack. She told her -husband and the slicker was caught red-handed.</p> - -<p>Even New York, the town of spenders, gave -a little gasp when the “Spanish Jade” stepped -out of Greenwich Village and went shopping -on the Avenue.</p> - -<p>The lady’s real name is Elizabeth Darrow. -She was the belle of the village, when a young -naval officer named Frederick Linde Ryan blew -in with his new uniform and innocent illusions. -He was married to the “Spanish Jade” and they -began housekeeping on Riverside Drive.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<p>The boy, struggling along on his naval pay, -tried patiently and loyally and uncomplainingly -to pay; but his debts soon amounted to -$20,000, with cigarettes at a dollar a pack and -chocolates at $5.00 a pound. The other day the -case was brought into court at the instance -of one of the boy’s friends and the court ruled -that the boy need not continue further to pay -the bills.</p> - -<p>As a sort of free circus the “Village” does -well enough for a little while; but it would -seem a dubious place to find a wife.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Thus It Was</h3> - -<p>He was young, good looking and had plenty -of money. She was also young and good looking, -but lacked the money. Consequently she -anxiously awaited for manifestations of affection.</p> - -<p>“What have you named your new island -home?” she inquired one evening, following his -description of the wonderful island he had -purchased in a neighboring lake.</p> - -<p>“Isle of View,” he answered, and has since -been wondering what happened to the young -lady to make her throw herself in his arms.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>There was a cross-eyed judge in Chicago -who had three cross-eyed prisoners brought before -him. Turning to the first, he said, “What -is your name?” and the second replied, “James -Smith.” Turning to the second, he said, rather -severely, “I wasn’t talking to you.” The third -one said, “I didn’t say anything.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wife—Mistress—Lady</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>The following is translated from the German, and published -in the Gazette of the Union, February, 1856</i>:</p> - -<p>Who marries from love takes a wife; who -marries for the sake of convenience takes a mistress; -who marries from consideration takes a -lady. You are loved by your wife, regarded by -your mistress, tolerated by your lady. You -have a wife for yourself, a mistress for your -house and its friends, a lady for the world. -Your wife will agree with you, your mistress -will accommodate you, your lady will manage -you. Your wife will take care of your household, -your mistress of your house, your lady of -appearances. If you are sick your wife will -nurse you, your mistress will visit you, and -your lady inquire after your health. You take -a walk with your wife, a ride with your mistress, -and join parties with your lady. Your -wife will share your grief, your mistress your -money, your lady your debt. If you are dead, -your wife will shed tears, your mistress lament, -and your lady wear mourning. A year after -death your wife marries again, in six months -your mistress, and in six weeks, or sooner, when -mourning is over, your lady.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wifey’s Lament</h3> - -<p>Clarence—“Do you think it will rain?”</p> - -<p>Doris—“What?”</p> - -<p>Clarence—“Say yes.”</p> - -<p>Doris—“I said yes the other day and got -myself in grief.”</p> - -<p>Clarence—“When?”</p> - -<p>Doris—“The other day.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Questions and Answers</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap</i></b>—Are we not all descendants of -the monkey?</p> - -<p>No, we are not. My folks came from Wales.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Skipper</i></b>—Can you tell me why a black -cow gives white milk that makes yellow butter?—<b><i>Helen -Bach.</i></b></p> - -<p>For the same reason that blackberries are -red when they are green.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Bill</i></b>—What do you think of a -man who throws a girl a kiss?—<b><i>Ima Blower.</i></b></p> - -<p>I think he’s the laziest man in the world.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Farmer Bill</i></b>—How do you keep milk -from souring?—<b><i>Reggie.</i></b></p> - -<p>Leave it in the cow.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap</i></b>—Why is it that professors claim -touch to be the most delicate of all the senses?—<b><i>Hook -M. Cowe.</i></b></p> - -<p>Well, here’s why: when you sit on a pin -you can’t see it, you can’t hear it, you can’t -taste it—but it is there.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain</i></b>—What is a button?—<b><i>Holly -Woode.</i></b></p> - -<p>A small event that always comes off.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—The waiters in our city -of Brainerd have just organized a union and -wish you would kindly suggest some sort of a -yell to hand the cooks when they raise the -dickens with us.—<b><i>Tillie Olson.</i></b></p> - -<p>My feeble effort:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Grape nut, Grape nut,</div> -<div class="verse">Malta vita force.</div> -<div class="verse">Keep your trap closed.</div> -<div class="verse">Well, of course.</div> -<div class="verse">We want oysters,</div> -<div class="verse">Rah! Rah! Rah!</div> -<div class="verse">Nabisco wafers</div> -<div class="verse">Bah!!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—I am about to organize -a nice little club for thirsty people. What motto -should our organization adopt?—<b><i>Sipper Jin.</i></b></p> - -<p>How about this one: “If you don’t see what -you want, ask for it.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—What were the two -most popular ballads of the American doughboy -in France?—<b><i>Mona Long.</i></b></p> - -<p>Before the armistice it was “I Want to Go -Home.” Afterwards it was “If You Want to -Go Home, Just Let Them Alone.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—My father is a motor-man, -and my mother is a conductorette. What -am I?—<b><i>Enter Tainem.</i></b></p> - -<p>A transfer.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap’n</i></b>—What is a Pomeranian Whiff -Sniff?—<b><i>Willack Fulish.</i></b></p> - -<p>A Pomeranian Whiff Sniff is a species of -small wooly dog with the curious habit of trying -to climb telegraph poles, hind feet first.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain</i></b>—Being as you are an etiquette -expert, I would like to ask if it is a gentleman’s -duty to approach a young lady and tell her -that her eyebrow is on crooked and that she -has a speck of soot on her right ankle?—<b><i>Inquisitive -Andy.</i></b></p> - -<p>A gentleman is not supposed to notice the -details of a lady’s attire. He is supposed to be -in a state of rapturous admiration of the tout -ensemble.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Captain Billy</i></b>—Is a sallow, pale skin always -affected by weak people?—<b><i>I. M. Payle.</i></b></p> - -<p>Dear Payle—Not always! I know a chap -that was very dark, but he found a pair of dice -and right from then he began to fade, and fade -and fade.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Skipper Bill</i></b>—Why is a ship always -called “She”?—<b><i>M. T. Beane.</i></b></p> - -<p>Probably because the rigging costs more than -the hull.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Farmer Bill</i></b>—What is the best way to -make both ends meet?—<b><i>Lady de Barbour.</i></b></p> - -<p>Learn to be a contortionist.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—What, in your opinion, -does love most resemble?—<b><i>Georgette.</i></b></p> - -<p>A roast beef sandwich. Two thin slices of -sentiment and the rest filled in with bull.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billiam</i></b>—What kind of hand -does a card sharper win with?—<b><i>Pokker Feene.</i></b></p> - -<p>An I-deal hand.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap</i></b>—Why are eggs much smaller now -than in the past?—<b><i>Lee Way.</i></b></p> - -<p>I suppose it’s because they’re taken out of -the nest too soon.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—A story in a New York -paper says a dancer has insured her legs for -$125,000. What’s the idea?—<b><i>Lew D. Fiske.</i></b></p> - -<p>We don’t know definitely, Lew.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Skipper Bill</i></b>—What war material did -Chili export to the Allies during the war?—<b><i>Clara -Voyant.</i></b></p> - -<p>Beans.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Bill</i></b>—If you’re a good little astronomer -I know you’ll tell me what star was recently -measured, and found to be of enormous size?—<b><i>May -Triatit.</i></b></p> - -<p>Fatty Arbuckle, I guess.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Willy</i></b>—A waiter in the Waldorf -Flaskoria spilled hot soup down my neck, -and when I remonstrated with him, the horrid -old thing only snapped his fingers at me. Have -you any words to describe such creature?—<b><i>Ferdie -Nann.</i></b></p> - -<p>I would say that he is too soupercillious.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Farmer Bill</i></b>—Why is it you farmers -always dress your scarecrows in men’s clothing?—<b><i>Sack -Kitt.</i></b></p> - -<p>Well, if we dressed them in women’s clothes -there’d be sure to be some old birds hanging -around.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A friend of the Whiz Bang who served with -the British forces during the World War sends -us the following, which he claims was a favorite -song among the “Limies.”</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When this bloody war is over</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Oh, how happy we will be;</div> -<div class="verse">No more hiking, no more drilling,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">No retreat or reville.</div> -<div class="verse">No more shining up brass buttons,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">No more asking for a “leave,”</div> -<div class="verse">For we’ll tell the sergeant-major</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To shove his passes in his sleeve.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>I know a young woman called Kitty.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>In the dance-hall she looks very pretty.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>But the next day at ten,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>If you saw her then—</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Oh, my gawd! What a pity!</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Their Specialty</h3> - -<p>Written by a dealer in electric washing machines:</p> - -<p>“Don’t kill your wife. Get one of our machines -to do the dirty work.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Friend tells us that the way Clinton’s in -New Haven advertises the record is: “Come -Where My Love Lies Dreaming with Male -Chorus, $1.25.” This ad was evidently written -by the gent who said: “I stand back of every -bed I sell.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>With a girl of twenty, marriage is an adventure; -at twenty-five, a career; at thirty, a -goal; and at forty, a haven of rest.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Whiz Bang Editorials</i></h2> - -<p class="by">“<i>The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet.</i>”</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">In the old days, to the women fell the task -of making gentlemen of the men, but not -now-a-days, according to our friend, Bob -Toole, who claims that the boys keep the girls -in line during this grand and glorious age of -jazz.</p> - -<p>In dancing, conversing, playing, courting -and “spooning,” the standards of young boys -and girls were fixed in the good old colonial -days, by the girls. Their natural feminine modesty -erected sensible social barriers and the -chivalry of men made them sacred and preserved -them.</p> - -<p>This order has been changed. Men now fix -the standards. Naturally, they are not as high -as they “used to be.” A man is not as particular -in things moral and esthetic as the average -girl. The modern man makes a jazz hound -of his lady. The modern girl endures a lot of -things she inherently dislikes. She puts up -with annoying behavior just to be a good fellow. -She really doesn’t like this cheek-to-cheek -and wiggly dancing; but she stands for -it, for she is too good a scout to be a kill-joy. -And just because she is such a good fellow -about it, the men—good-hearted fools!—become<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> -less lax in their behavior until they unconsciously -impose on good nature.</p> - -<p>Fellows, we’re going back again to the standards -set by the natural modesty and sweet reserve -of the girls! And we’re going to like it, -too!</p> - -<p>With wine gone, a “powerful” incentive to -excessive “good fellowship” has been removed. -With equal suffrage a fact, girls will unconsciously -resent extreme impositions on their -fine comradeship. There is certain to be a good -natured reaction on a part of the ladies. They -are going to set new standards. Not by law; -by sweet common sense. Femininity will never -revert to prudery, but girls are going to amend -sensibly that “go-as-far-as-you-like” policy of -good fellowship so that men will realize girls -are less common and more wonderful than ever -before.</p> - -<p>And, we repeat, we’ll like it.</p> - -<p>Go to it, girls! Make us be good!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">An Ohio editor allows that a man in Columbus -got himself into a ton of trouble -by marrying two women without the formality -of divorce from the first. A Western -observer points out that a good many men in -that section had gotten that way by marrying -just one. A Southern editor has retorted by -alleging that quite a few of his friends found -trouble enough by merely promising to marry -without going any further. And an old doughboy -friend of ours collected a goodly surplussage -of grief when he was simply found in company -with another man’s wife.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">If two souls are happily mated, there is no -reason why either should live in or refer -to the past. Their Eden is in the present -and the future of what may be and not what -has been. The man or woman should be sacredly -silent about the dead past, unless there is -some person or something which sooner or -later may rise to bring darkness or death. The -Bible basis of marriage is a love which takes -for better or worse the heart which it calls its -own. People ought not to marry unless they -are so devoted to each other that any later -knowledge of what either may have been or -done would make no difference.</p> - -<p>Man’s inhumanity to woman is often earthly, -selfish and devilish. Women are naturally and -generally better than men. If they err, it is -usually the man’s fault. The average young -man is fortunate to secure any girl to live with -him as his wife. Keep still and ask no questions -is the wise way. There is no double -moral standard for speech or silence for man -or woman. At the marriage altar, heaven demands -no more of the woman than of the man. -That a woman should tell the past to a man -who insists, though it is none of his business, -or that she should persist in confessing to him -when he does not care to hear it, is a piece of -folly of which some women are guilty. Where -ignorance is bliss “’tis folly to be wise.” After -marriage it will do no good to tell what you -said and did before. There are many homes -now happy, as if made under the wings of the -angels, whose members at one time left the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> -paradise of innocence and wandered beneath a -roofless world.</p> - -<p>Love is blind. A true and genuine lover -does not want to hear a girl’s past; and if he -did hear it from her own or another’s lips, it -would make no difference to him. If any one -is to tell let it be the man, for usually it is the -woman and not he who runs the risk of a past. -Let the man confess who places the material -above the mental and moral and thinks of a -wife as a cheap luxury, and of home as a dry-dock -of repairs. No matter how greatly discrowned, -a woman may be recrowned. With -her, heaven is in the future and not in any past, -she may serve, give, work and pray with the -love that is the crown jewel in her diadem.</p> - -<p>The sweetheart who is willing to be a wife -is not man’s inferior or superior, but equal in -personal equivalent. The mere accident or -providence of sex does not entitle a man to any -special privileged of conduct before or after he -is husband. Man’s character is judged by his -estimate of women. Such a poem as Hood’s -“Bridge of Sighs” or Goldsmith’s “Folly” would -be impossible if men remembered not to act -the part of Faust to Margaret.</p> - -<p>“Go in peace and sin no more,” was the command -to the fallen woman. Confess to the one you -have wronged, but don’t make a boastful show -before others. There are converted sinners in -the pulpit and prayer meeting who make a -glory of their shame, unmindful of the advice, -“See thou tell no man.” It is the unpardonable -sin of society that it would cast and keep in -deeper hell the woman with a past, though she<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> -be willing to purify herself in the fire of remorse -and baptize herself with tears of repentance.</p> - -<p>Many a girl who once glittered in Folly’s -and Fashion’s court has later met and learned -a true love. She was silent and devoted and -today shines a holy flame in the home as wife -and mother. A woman may tell what she is -and hopes to be—not what she has been. The -man who is fool and fiend enough to insist that -the Sphinx speak is unworthy of her. Let a -man remember to forgive and forget a woman’s -past, as he hopes to have a happy home here -and hereafter.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hello! or Ohell!</h3> - -<p>Did you ever stop to think that there isn’t -much difference between hello and ohell—that -ohell is just hello turned around? There’s -nothing finer in the English language it seems -to me than a good old American “Hello!” But -give her the reverse English and you get a cussword—and -when you say “hello” to some people -that is what you get.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How About This?</h3> - -<p>The following want advertisement appeared -in one of our well known newspapers the other -day:</p> - -<p>“Two sisters want washing. Will go anywhere.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>My girl shakes the shimmy so much, that -she’s shaken herself out of shape.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Smokehouse Poetry</h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap"><i>Smokehouse Poetry for October will feature three poems: -one, the plea of a prisoner; the second, a thrilling story of -the squared ring by the author of “The Kid’s Last Fight,” -and the third, a comic jazz verse after Langdon Smith’s -“Evolution.”</i></p> - -<p><i>“The Prisoner’s Prayer,” which is to be Number One on -the poetry billboard for October, was written on the stone -wall of the Federal penitentiary at McNeil Island, Washington, -in September, 1909. It was later memorized by another -prisoner and just recently forwarded to the Whiz -Bang upon his release.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>“So hear ye the prayers from the prison,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent2"><i>Where fever and famine are rife;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Where never one soul has arisen,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent2"><i>Where many go down in the strife.”</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><i>In response to inquiries from many readers we have -obtained another copy of “The Gila Monster Route” to -replace the one which Maggie, the hired girl, lost during -our last farm house cleaning bee. It will be published in -the Winter Annual.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Betrayed</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Angela Morgan</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Bad, hopelessly bad!</div> -<div class="verse">I yielded to love that sways mankind,</div> -<div class="verse">Not the mere measure of bodily pleasure,</div> -<div class="verse">But love that wakes in the soul and the mind,</div> -<div class="verse">Born of the spirit at God’s behest:</div> -<div class="verse">And I bartered all I had.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I, with the warmth of a child at my breast—</div> -<div class="verse">Am bad, hopelessly bad!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yet the power that molded my little son,</div> -<div class="verse">Is the same that moved for the wedded one;</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> -<div class="verse">Creation’s woes were just the same;</div> -<div class="verse">Had he only borne a father’s name.</div> -<div class="verse">Did love, that old fashioned universe</div> -<div class="verse">Fashion alike my curse?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Listen, you who are true and good,</div> -<div class="verse">White and strong in your motherhood;</div> -<div class="verse">You with your wedding ring safe on your finger,</div> -<div class="verse">You who can linger, righteous and clean in love’s embrace:</div> -<div class="verse">Tell me the reason that I am base!</div> -<div class="verse">Are you so different after all?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I answered the same high golden call</div> -<div class="verse">I yielded to love that is proud of pain—</div> -<div class="verse">Love, that reckoned not for gain;</div> -<div class="verse">And nature has made my child so fair,</div> -<div class="verse">As the child on your very shoulder there.</div> -<div class="verse">The same great impulse, deep and glad,</div> -<div class="verse">That hurls the suns and drives the earth</div> -<div class="verse">Brought both our children to this earth.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yet ... you are good and I am bad,</div> -<div class="verse">Vicious and evil and low, they say—</div> -<div class="verse">“A girl who has gone astray”;</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yet the milk of my life is warm and white</div> -<div class="verse">That runs to his hungry mouth at night;</div> -<div class="verse">My words are soft, my arms are sweet,</div> -<div class="verse">My hands are kind to his little feet.</div> -<div class="verse">Can I, who live for my baby’s smile,</div> -<div class="verse">Be vile, hopelessly vile?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">O, great, broad, beautiful judgment day,</div> -<div class="verse">When dogmas of man are rent asunder,</div> -<div class="verse">And superstition is wiped away,</div> -<div class="verse">Will you plead for me, will you gently speak</div> -<div class="verse">For us who are voiceless and weak?</div> -<div class="verse">Plead for us, who must ever wonder?</div> -<div class="verse">Why we are hounded and held at bay—</div> -<div class="verse">We who can love, we who can pray:</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We, the mothers, who might be glad,</div> -<div class="verse">But are broken at heart and bitter and sad;</div> -<div class="verse">O, Future Day, will you write in flame,</div> -<div class="verse">The reason for sin and the reason for shame?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">That in all the city there seemed no room</div> -<div class="verse">No sweet clean place for my heart to bloom!</div> -<div class="verse">Oh, will you terribly tell the truth;</div> -<div class="verse">That the world which offers no worthy place,</div> -<div class="verse">For the light that shines in my baby’s face,</div> -<div class="verse">Offered no shelter for love and youth,</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> -<div class="verse">No guarding presence who understood,</div> -<div class="verse">My blossoming womanhood?</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So I sought his arms as a bird to nest</div> -<div class="verse">And I ... with the warmth of a child on my breast</div> -<div class="verse">I ... who bartered all that I had</div> -<div class="verse">Am bad ... hopelessly bad!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Unwritten Law</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Budd L. McKillips</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Don’t kid me, I know that I’m dyin’,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">The song of my life has been sung;</div> -<div class="verse">I’m done and there’s no use in tryin’</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To patch up a bullet torn lung.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I’ll bet, Doc, you think I’m a tough one</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Who’d fight at the stroke of the bell—</div> -<div class="verse">You’re right, Doc, my life’s been a rough one,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And now I am headed for hell.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I used to be decent as any</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Young man in that little mill town;</div> -<div class="verse">My friends in the village were many,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Until I commenced to go down.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“’T’aint long when a fellow starts hittin’</div> -<div class="verse indent1">The booze till he’s gone the whole way;</div> -<div class="verse">And then when he thinks about quittin’,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">He’s found that the devil’s to pay.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“A woman—they’re always the reason</div> -<div class="verse indent1">In my case the girl was my wife;</div> -<div class="verse">We married—were happy a season</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And then trouble entered my life.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“The man—we’d been palin’ together</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Since both of us started to school;</div> -<div class="verse">I thought that he’d stick through all weather,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I trusted him—just like a fool.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“He lived in my home like a brother,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">For months our life went like a song,</div> -<div class="verse">And then I began to discover,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">That somethin’ in life had gone wrong.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I watched till I thought I detected</div> -<div class="verse indent1">My wife was wrapped up in his charms,</div> -<div class="verse">Then dropped into home unexpected,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And found her clasped tight in his arms.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I came in the room as she kissed him,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">He saw me and begged for his life;</div> -<div class="verse">I shot at the cur, but I missed him—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">He ran and left me with my wife.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“My—wife—God! I’d found her no better</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Than women who live on the street,</div> -<div class="verse">So diff’rent than when I first met her—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">She screamed and fell dead at my feet.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Then somethin’ inside my brain parted</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Like strings on a harp stretched too tight—</div> -<div class="verse">Doc, that was the time I got started;</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I changed in a minute that night.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“A few of my friends have stuck by me,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And assisted in lightening my load,</div> -<div class="verse">But the way most of them would eye me;</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Soon caused me to hit for the road.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“From city to city I’ve wandered,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And month after month rolled around;</div> -<div class="verse">What money I had I soon squandered,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But nowhere was peace to be found.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Sometimes for a day I’d be cheerful,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">The thoughts of revenge would be still;</div> -<div class="verse">And then my poor brain would be clear full</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Of him I had sworn I would kill.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Well, yesterday evenin’ I met him,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">He begged and he pleaded and cried</div> -<div class="verse">For help, but I’d promised to get him—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I choked the dang cur till he died.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“To make the job certain I drilled him</div> -<div class="verse indent1">With five or six shots from my gun—</div> -<div class="verse">I’d killed him, yes dang him, I’d killed him!—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">A cop came my way on the run.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I started to run to the river,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Then felt a sharp pain in my breast;</div> -<div class="verse">And fell in the street all aquiver—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">A bullet had gone through my chest.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“There’s no use to tell you the rest, Doc,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">There’s nothin’ much more I can tell;</div> -<div class="verse">I’m happy, what I did was best, Doc—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">They’re waitin’ for me down in hell.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“It feels like the room’s gettin’ colder;</div> -<div class="verse indent1">It’s dark and I’m startin’ to choke,</div> -<div class="verse">There’s somethin’ ahold of my shoulder!</div> -<div class="verse indent1">So long Doc, I’m—goin’—to—croak.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Going Down</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Man’s life is a vapour</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And full of woes;</div> -<div class="verse">He cuts a caper</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And down he goes,</div> -<div class="verse">And down, and down,</div> -<div class="verse">And down, and down,</div> -<div class="verse">And down he goes.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In my ear is the moan of the pines;</div> -<div class="verse indent1">In my heart is the song of the sea</div> -<div class="verse">And I feel his wild breath on my face</div> -<div class="verse indent1">As he showers his kisses on me.</div> -<div class="verse">And I hear the wild scream of the gulls</div> -<div class="verse indent1">As they answer the call of the tide;</div> -<div class="verse">And I see the white sails, as they glisten</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Like gems on the breast of a bride.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hail to the Devil Dog</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He’s a drinker and a driller,</div> -<div class="verse">He’s a gambler and a sport;</div> -<div class="verse">He’s a hard old hand at fighting,</div> -<div class="verse">But at work he’s rather short,</div> -<div class="verse">The devil likes his fighting,</div> -<div class="verse">And the beauty way it’s done;</div> -<div class="verse">He’s a cross between a Christian</div> -<div class="verse">And the devil’s only son.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">His vice is like the most of men,</div> -<div class="verse">His virtue like a few,</div> -<div class="verse">But when you thump his metal,</div> -<div class="verse">You’ll find it’s ring is true;</div> -<div class="verse">He’s honored by the title,</div> -<div class="verse">Of a soldier and a man,</div> -<div class="verse">He’s Uncle Sammy’s nephew,</div> -<div class="verse">And all American.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Tip For Wifey</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When your husband telephones to say,</div> -<div class="verse">“I won’t be home to-night</div> -<div class="verse">Till after twelve, I’ve lots to do,”</div> -<div class="verse">Just say, “Dear boy all right,</div> -<div class="verse">I’m going out myself to-night</div> -<div class="verse">And won’t be in till late.”</div> -<div class="verse">Will he come home on time? You bet</div> -<div class="verse">He’ll also come home straight.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Have a Drink, Boys?</h3> - -<p>They were on a fast train through Arkansas -(?).</p> - -<p>Every few minutes the lady across the aisle -held a bottle to her lips. The traveling man -was thirsty.</p> - -<p>“How do you do,” said he. “What have you -in that bottle, home brew?”</p> - -<p>“No,” she said, “I have consumption.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Always</h3> - -<p class="center sans">Face the Music</p> - -<p class="smaller">Even if it is your landlady’s -daughter playing “The Maiden’s -Prayer” on a square piano. Some -day you might be back on your board bill.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">You need your money</div> -<div class="verse">And I need mine,</div> -<div class="verse">If we both get ours</div> -<div class="verse">It will sure be fine,</div> -<div class="verse">But if you get yours</div> -<div class="verse">And hold mine, too,</div> -<div class="verse">What in the divil</div> -<div class="verse">Am I going to do?</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>In the Game of Love</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In her first blossom, woman loves her lover;</div> -<div class="verse">In all the others, all she loves is love.</div> -<div class="verse">Here’s lovers two to the maiden true,</div> -<div class="verse">And four to the maid caressing,</div> -<div class="verse">But the wayward girl with the lips that curl,</div> -<div class="verse">Keeps twenty lovers guessing.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>The dramatic triangle is caused by people -not being on the square.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Our Movie Gossip</h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Los Angeles lawyers are laughing up -their sleeves over the story whispered in -connection with the divorce suit of Agnes -Schucker, known to the screen world as Agnes -Ayres, the Lasky leading lady, recently elevated -to stardom through the kindness of Wallie -Reid. Because of the fact that few people in -California ever knew Miss Ayers under the -name of Schucker, the divorce suit of Agnes -Schucker versus Captain Frank R. Schucker, -now with the United States Army in France, -attracted little if any attention. Thus it was, -the gossips report, when pretty Agnes Schucker -recently entered the court room of Judge Summerfield, -attired in a plain brown dress and -inconspicuous black hat, there were few in the -spectators’ gallery and none recognized the -demure plaintiff as the Lasky star.</p> - -<p>Tearfully Agnes’ mother told on the witness -stand how she had to care for her daughter, -because of the alleged failure of Captain -Schucker to support Agnes. The mother’s testimony -aroused the sympathy of the court and -the spectators, and there was a mention of a -co-respondent “Lillian.”</p> - -<p>Everything was going lovely for Agnes until -a cinema person from Hollywood recognized -her in the court room and unceremoniously<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> -tipped off her identity to the judge. Hizzoner -appeared peeved because Agnes put on a little -cinema drama all her own in his court room, -assisted by mamma’s weeps, and he threw the -case out of court.</p> - -<p>Agnes’ lawyers then reopened the case on -the grounds of desertion and soon she is expecting -to be traveling in single bliss. According -to the gossips, Agnes came back into court -in the second trial her own real movie self, -and attired in a champagne colored gown -trimmed in green, and wearing a lavender hat -trimmed with ostrich plumes. Mother, so it -is reported, explained later to the judge that -she “misunderstood” the question and that she -merely meant she and Agnes lived in the same -house; not that she had to support her “victimized” -daughter.</p> - -<p>Incidentally, Agnes has Wallie Reid to -thank for her rapid rise in filmdom, and Wallie, -by the way, gives so many teas and dinners -that it is said he has to have two homes -in order to accommodate all the parties, the -second one being somewhere in Laurel Canyon, -and Agnes is rated among his favorite -dinner guests.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We have heard a story concerning our -good friend Samuel Merwin, and if it -is true, we will have to give Samuel a -gold medal. Sammie is out west writing for -the movies, and recently attended an exclusive -house party at Riverside. The story goes that -on the homeward drive he was permitted to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> -escort a beautiful English girl. About two -miles had been traveled, so ’tis said, when the -chauffeur reported the usual “blow-outs” and -“missings” and that Merwin and the girl had -to wait long weary hours during the “fixing” -process.</p> - -<p>All of the young eligibles in California -have been trying to land the lovely English -girl, but not Merwin, according to our bevy of -Whiz Bang Bunkers, because even the most -loose-tongued gossips admit the probability -that during the two hours of waiting, Merwin -went to sleep and let the London beauty wait -alone.</p> - -<p>Ah, romance, to where hath thou departed?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">It wasn’t many months ago when J. Parker -Reid, the director, with his star, Louise -Glaum, and other members of the company, -took a little trip to Tia Juana and San Diego. -Of course, they went over to the Coronada -Hotel for dinner and there J. Parker Reid met -a bevy of society folk.</p> - -<p>Now, you haven’t any idea how the society -folk at Coronada fuss over movie people. The -Coronada crowd are an idle set with plenty of -money, little to do and an ambition to be considered -clever. By informally hob-nobbing -with the writers and players of the movie -colony from Hollywood, they gain a new mental -punch and are able to assume some of the -glamour, always emanating from the people -who do interesting things.</p> - -<p>Louise Glaum has been conscientious in her -art, you know. She is one of the really hard<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> -working, conscientious women of her profession, -and we’ve heard she has some dependent -relatives to support, and that she never had -much schooling, but has studied very hard by -herself, and that altogether her life hasn’t been -an easy one.</p> - -<p>Louise’s pictures stopped making money a -year or two ago, then she became friendly with -J. Parker and the tide in her fortunes seemed -to change. Reid perhaps fell in love with her, -at least temporarily, and she perhaps with him, -and besides he raised capital to star her again. -The pictures were a success financially, and all -the world seemed rosy for the hard working -actress.</p> - -<p>But, that trip to Coronada. J. Parker Reid, -it seems, was fussed over a wealthy Mrs. Piper. -To her, a great motion picture director maybe -was a new idol for adoration.</p> - -<p>We wonder how it’s all coming out. J. -Parker Reid some weeks ago made it clear to -Louise that their affair was over. In June he -married Mrs. Piper. Life’s a funny little game -after all.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">We are sorry to learn that some of the -scandal mongers are whispering derogatory -rumors anent Jack Mulhall, -because of the suicide of Laura Mulhall in -Hollywood while the decorations of the seventh -wedding anniversary party were still on the -walls of their pretty home. Those who are -well acquainted with Jack declare he always -was a “square shooter”; that he had a splendid -disposition and as a husband was as nearly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> -right as he knew how. He and his wife were -constantly together and as far as friends could -see, she had been happy with him. The scandal -peddlers fail to appreciate the damage -which they are doing to the future career of -Mulhall, not to mention the shadow placed -over the three-year-old freckle-faced boy.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Local Color</h3> - -<p>Our good friend Gemmell, of the Minnesota -and International Railroad, wasn’t the railroad -president who thought a gondola was a bird. -In fact, the blame is laid to Mr. Casey for -suggesting that his company purchase one male -and one female gondola, so as to stock the city -park of Brainerd, Minn., with a flock or herd -or covey of little gondolas.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Our friend Liebst reports that since his -poem, the Hoboes Convention, appeared in the -Whiz Bang, he has received several letters from -railroad managers requesting permission to -name a few box cars after him. Oh, Fame, -where is thy sting?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Ham Tomlin says he thinks he is growing -old. He used to be able to kiss his wife 20 -times a day but now it take him all day to get -up nerve enough to kiss her once.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Don’t get jealous, boys, but I’ve just finished -drinking some stuff that was strong enough to -make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>It’s a lean Jane that has no curves.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Pasture Pot Pourri</h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Velvet Joe Says—</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Don’t fuss with hubby about droppin’ tobacco ashes on -the carpet. Them ashes keep the moths out an’ the hubby in.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Some folks would rather</div> -<div class="verse">Blow their own horns than</div> -<div class="verse">Listen to Sousa’s Band.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Greatness does not depend on size. Napoleon -if he were living today would never get a job -as a cop.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>And Very Nice, Too!</h3> - -<p>A feller was engaged to a girl who was a -twin. When asked how he told them apart, he -said: “Well, they’re both nice girls.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Our friend Deegan insists an Irishman dies -only when an angel is needed in heaven.</i></b></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>How can a man get a headache without -brains?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Family Dialogue</h3> - -<p>He—I’m not coming home tonight, dearie.</p> - -<p>She—May I depend on that? (Oh, boy!)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Let’s Call It the Cockeyed Blues</h3> - -<p>My girl’s eyes are so beautiful they can’t -keep from looking at each other.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Remember, boys, the turtle may be slow, but -he’s always there for the soup.</i></b></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>We could love a girl as “pretty as a picture” -provided she had a good frame.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Honest, This Is True</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I no’a fel’la named Fawcett,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Who went to his cel’la dee’pos’it,</div> -<div class="verse indent4">But when he got dare,</div> -<div class="verse indent4">The barrel was bare,</div> -<div class="verse">And “Gus” was asleep at the Fau’cet.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Our idea of the height of vanity is to stand -in front of a looking glass when you’re asleep.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pathetic, Ye Gods, Too Pathetic</h3> - -<p>An Irishman and a Scotchman were standing -at a bar—and the Irishman had no money.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Glorious Daze</h3> - -<p>Two drunks on a train.</p> - -<p>No. 1—“Whas sha time?”</p> - -<p>No. 2 (pulling card case out of pocket)—“Thurshday.”</p> - -<p>No. 1—“Thash our stashon. Letsh get off.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Try This One</h3> - -<p><b><i>The wedding cake was heavy, but the candles -made it light.</i></b></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>If your girl shakes you, don’t get rattled.</i></b></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Something to Worry About!</h3> - -<p>A New Brunswick priest covered his eyes in -shame as some girls passed him at a bathing -beach.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We Dodged Two Yesterday</h3> - -<p>The starving pole cat leaned against the -post without a cent.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“I’ll stick to you whate’er betide,</div> -<div class="verse">Though all the world may scoff.”</div> -<div class="verse">Thus spoke the heavy flannel shirt,</div> -<div class="verse">But the man said, “Aw, come off!”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He led her to the altar, ’twas merely tit for tat;</div> -<div class="verse">He led her to the altar, she led him after that.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He stood on the bridge at midnight,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Beneath the heaven’s great dome,</div> -<div class="verse">Because he was married and the jag that he carried,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Made him afraid to go home.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>When I go to bed at night I snore so loud -I cannot sleep. In fact, I am often compelled -to go into the next room so that I may not hear -myself snore.</i></b></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“How is the milk maid?”</div> -<div class="verse">He said with a bow.</div> -<div class="verse">“It isn’t made, Sir,</div> -<div class="verse">It comes from a cow.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Very Versatile</h3> - -<p>We heard the story the other day about a -sailor at a ship’s concert who was unable to -sing as scheduled on the program, and who -offered in lieu thereof to show the audience the -pictures tattoed on his chest.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Paris Made</h3> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p><i>A world war veteran hobbled into the hardware store the -other day and ordered some “tacks.”</i></p> - -<p><i>“What kind?” asked the clerk.</i></p> - -<p><i>“I want to use them for garters,” said the lame Vet.</i></p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A New Fad</h3> - -<p class="center">(A street sign in St. Paul)</p> - -<p class="center sans">“GET YOUR SHOES SHINED INSIDE.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>X-Y-Z Tragedy</h3> - -<p class="smaller sans">“Combination shot,” murmured the pool shark, as he leaned too far -over the billiard table.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Brief History</h3> - -<p>Whiz Bang history of the world war:</p> - -<p>I want to go home!</p> - -<p>When do we eat?</p> - -<p>Who won the war? The Y.M.C.A.</p> - -<p>Don’t stand there, soldier. This is for officers -only.</p> - -<p>If I hit, I don’t want any change.</p> - -<p>Was that pay day or mess call?</p> - -<p>Villa vouz promenade, M’lle?</p> - -<p>The battle of Vim Rouge.</p> - -<p>Mademoiselle fidelle, finee leguerre.</p> - -<p>Hello, Statue of Liberty!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>An Autumn Song Success</h3> - -<p class="sans">IF I HAVEN’T THE RENT THIS MONTH, DON’T YOU -THINK THE LANDLORD OUGHT TO HELP ME OUT?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Sentimental Melody</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>We have received several requests for copies of our -original song success published several months ago entitled, -“You are a million miles from nowhere when you hold her -dainty hand.”</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>What a Pity</h3> - -<p>Mike O’Reilly, of Butte, gazed mournfully -at the corpse of his late friend, who had but -recently become an atheist, muttering to himself, -“You sure look fine, a clean shave, a new -suit of clothes and a pair of white gloves on -you. All dressed up—and no place to go.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Zoology</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When they first met he said, “a bear.”</div> -<div class="verse">He’d dog her footsteps everywhere.</div> -<div class="verse">She monkeyed with him for a year,</div> -<div class="verse">Although she said he was a deer.</div> -<div class="verse">A little horse-play hitched the two,</div> -<div class="verse">Now he’s the goat, it’s nothing gnu.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our London Report</h3> - -<p>To a young man who stood smoking a cigar -the other day there approached the elderly and -impertinent reformer of meek and mild reputation.</p> - -<p>“How many cigars do you smoke a day?” -asked the meddler.</p> - -<p>“Three,” answered the youth, as patiently as -he could.</p> - -<p>“How much do you pay for them?”</p> - -<p>“A shilling each,” confessed the young man.</p> - -<p>“Don’t you know, sir,” continued the sage, -“that if you saved that money, by the time you -are as old as I am you could own that big building -over the way?”</p> - -<p>“Do you own it?” inquired the smoker.</p> - -<p>“No.”</p> - -<p>“Well, I do,” replied the young man.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Japanese Bathing Beauties</h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">BY REV. GOLIGHTLY MORRILL</p> - -<p class="center">Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn.</p> - -<p class="dropcap">To the religious rambler, Japan is divided -into two parts—that which is inhabited -by the Geisha girls, and that “cohabited” -by the Yoshiwara.</p> - -<p>I thought more of the Geisha dancers than -the dance, and that wasn’t much. The word -“Geisha” means accomplished one, and there -are schools for their education in music and -the arts. People visit the girls more for pleasure -than for profit, and since they are one of -the institutions of Japan, I went one night to -a tea-house to see them. Making myself as -comfortable as possible on the floor, a screen -door was slipped aside, and in came a pretty -Geisha girl who touched her head to the floor -three times, sat down and looked at each one -of our party. Immediately there fluttered in -three more, and they made the room look like -an Oriental bird cage. They sang for us in a -tone that suggested an ungreased axle or a nail -drawn across a piece of glass, played on the -samisen and koto, which nothing but the genius -of a Wagner could appreciate went through a -fancy fan drill and proved themselves good entertainers, -but felt embarrassed because we -were not familiar and indecent. They acted<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> -serious and spoke to one another, and I asked -what was the trouble. It seems they didn’t -know what to make of us, as the average tourist -was usually boisterous, drunk and rough.</p> - -<p>The Yoshiwara is the red-lantern district of -Japan. One night we formed a stag party to -visit the Tokio Yoshiwara, but we couldn’t -shake the “dears” who were as anxious to go -as we were and insisted on accompanying us. -Our rickshaws rolled through squares and -streets and miles of mud and misery, until we -came to what was in itself a “city of dreadful -night,” but all ablaze with electric lights. -Here were squares of theatre-looking buildings -in which women, dressed in bright and fancy -garb, sat by little stoves, and sullen, smiling -or smoking pipes, looked out at the spectators. -The government regulates this “social” as a -“necessary evil,” and houses, supervises and -guards the girls. In Japan it is regarded as -noble and filial for a daughter to sell herself -to support the father and family who may have -failed financially. The same thing is done in -Europe and America for wealth and social -position, but differently estimated and under -another name.</p> - -<p>Here they squatted in butterfly regalia, with -silk kimona, obi, glossy black hair stuck full -of combs and gold pins, eyes painted and faces -powdered, thrumming a little guitar, squeaking -out a love-song, and making goo-goo eyes -in a way that would make one smile if he could -forget the hell-horror of the place. Some of -the inmates do not leave until death; others -return to society, which welcomes and does not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> -disown; one may return to her home, loved and -respected, but with none of the fine clothes and -jewels given by her admirers during her absence. -However, the place often becomes a -matrimonial bureau, and the girl is met, courted -and selected by some Jap as his wife. In -addition to segregation, there is such a supervision -that the inmates can’t leave for even an -hour without the consent of the police.</p> - -<p>Hotel life is interesting. If you are curious, -you have only to wet your thumb and thrust -it through the wall paper of your bed chamber -to get as many views as Peeping Tom had -of Lady Godiva. This hole privilege is, however, -only claimed by the traveler who has no -respect for the holy of holies at inn or temple.</p> - -<p>Japan is the land of the Rising Sun—and -daughter, who with the whole family will take -their bath and leave the same water for you to -swim in unless you set your alarm clock for a -very early hour, or sit up all night to get there -first. Imagine a public bath, if you can, for -many homes have no bathroom, where the water -by 10:00 A.M. is like a roily creek after -a rain; by 3:00 P.M., yellow as the Missouri, -and by bedtime like the mud geysers of the -Yellowstone.</p> - -<p>The public bath was the one thing we wanted -to see and kept asking about. Cleanliness -is next to Godliness, and after visiting 2,738 -of the 3,000 temples in Kobe, I wanted to get -“next” to a public bath. At last I discovered -one and sent the guide ahead to reconnoiter.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> -He said, “Come.” I passed the word along and -the ladies came, but wished they hadn’t. We -entered and I became a “looker-on” at Venus in -the bath, and not one but many, who made the -painted females in the Uffizi look like chromos -or Mrs. Jarley’s wax works. They eyed us -with an indifference that made us blush and -look through our fingers for shame. With the -ease that only a model for the altogether possesses, -they posed before the mirrors, arranging -their black hair, or poised like maids of -the mist by the steam tank. Their type of -beauty is different. Jap beauty is in angles, -the American in curves. Nature made one -with a ruler, the other with a compass. As a -rule, the baths for men and women are divided -by a wooden partition at the end of which sits -the proprietor or his wife on the lookout. Formerly -there was no privacy and the fastidious -foreigners insisted that the sexes should be -separated. This was accomplished by placing -a bamboo rod between them, but even that is -discarded now in some sections. Everybody -gets into the swim, thus beautifully illustrating -the proverb, “Evil to him that evil thinks.” -O tempora! O mores!</p> - -<p>One of the strongest impressions made upon -me in my journey through Japan was at Mogi, -a malodorous little fishing village, out from -Nagasaki, with so large a smell that a blind -man could easily find it by following his nose. -Coleridge, the poet, whose business it was to -rely on imagination rather than on fact, counted -sixty well-defined and several stinks at -Cologne. He would have been overpowered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span> -here and called for the help of a professor of -higher mathematics to enumerate the volume -and variety of odors we encountered from -Nagasaki to this town.</p> - -<p>A well made road lassoes the intervening -foot-hills which are covered with cultivated -fields; the peasants were all busy, the children -were happy and more so when we threw them -peanuts instead of “pansies” for thoughts. -Men, women and oxen were carrying various -loads, but the common one was a bamboo bucket -affair balanced on both ends of a bamboo pole. -These buckets were not filled with milk, or -cheese, or vegetables, but with a substance -which they had assiduously collected in accordance -with the Scripture, “Gather up the -fragments that nothing be lost.” I can never -forget the ascent or the descent to Mogi. From -rocky road, through pretty forest, by picturesque -ravine, we reached the fishermen’s huts -with their nets by the shore and beach where -bathing mermaids can only be caught and carried -home in a camera.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Last Chortle</h3> - -<p>A magician having nearly finished his act -without exciting any applause, gave his best -stunts, expecting to get a rise out of the audience, -but without result. He then advised that -he had saved his very best trick for the last -and asked all who wanted to see the devil to -raise their hands. Receiving a hearty response, -he told them to go to hell, leaving the stage -in much haste.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Back to Childhood Days</h3> - -<p>I visited an insane hospital at Oshkosh, Wis., -and the keeper took me through. Up on the -second floor we passed down a long hall. At the -end there was a heavily padded and ironed cell. -The keeper said to me, “The man in this cell -is the most violent and strongest man we have -here.” I looked at him. He was of Herculean -build.</p> - -<p>As we turned away, there was an awful -crash and the front of the cell was thrown out -in the hall. I ran down the hall and the big -fellow right after me. I jumped out of a window -at the end of the hall and he jumped right -after me. I ran around the hospital and he -after me. The attendant stuck his head out of -a window and said to me “Why don’t you run?” -I said, “Do you think I am trying to throw this -race?”</p> - -<p>I ran across a field and he was right after -me. I could hear his footsteps behind me. I -ran into a plowed field and that slowed me up. -He was gaining on me. Finally he got near to -me and he reached out and slapped me on the -back and said, “Tag, you’re it.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How’s This One?</h3> - -<p>Jiggs fell into a big vat of turpentine over -at the paint factory.</p> - -<p>Did it hurt him?</p> - -<p>Don’t know, they haven’t caught him yet.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on -others without getting a few drops on yourself.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Our Rural Mail Box</h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Petie L. Arsony</i></b>—The reason why they feed -convicts coarse food is to keep their blood pure, -so that they won’t “break out.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Johnnie L.</i></b>—A divorce suit should always -be cleaned before being pressed.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Sweet Sixteen</i></b>—You’re wrong. Woman -is known not by the company she keeps, but by -the company she does not keep. You did right -in not keeping Johnnie’s company.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>B. Good Tome</i></b>—No, B, all chickens do not -use fowl language, but I have met several who -could swear quite fluently.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Vanguard</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">’Tis weary watching wave by wave,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But still the tide sweeps onward;</div> -<div class="verse">We build like corals, grave by grave</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But pave a path that’s sunward.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We’re beaten back in many a fray,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But newer strength we borrow;</div> -<div class="verse">And where the vanguard camps to-day,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">The rear shall camp tomorrow.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Ghouls, Take Note</h3> - -<p class="center">(From San Francisco Chronicle.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Wanted—Second hand Coffin or couch casket. Box 4050 Chronicle.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Drexerd Pulls This One</h3> - -<p>He—Let’s go to the dance tonight.</p> - -<p>She—Why do you like to dance so much?</p> - -<p>He—Oh, for many reasons—I can put my -arm around you, draw you up close, feel your -soft cheek against mine, and—</p> - -<p>She—That will do! Let’s stay at home and -make believe we went to the dance.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Jes’ a Jester Jest</h3> - -<p>Some people say: “Get thee behind me, -Satan and push me along.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>What Ho?</h3> - -<p>First Lunch Hound—“Well, old strawberry, -howsa boy? I just had a plate of oxtail soup -and feel bully.”</p> - -<p>Second Counter Fiend—“Nothing to it, old -watermelon. I just had a plate of hash and -feel like everything.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>He knew that she would thank him not,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>He cared not for her scorn;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>He offered her his street car seat,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>To keep her off his corn.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Harnessed Bulls</h3> - -<p>First Cop—Say, did you get that fellow’s -number?</p> - -<p>Second Cop—No, he was going too fast.</p> - -<p>Say, but wasn’t that a fine looking dame in -the back seat?</p> - -<p>Yep, wasn’t she though!</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Musings of A Bachelor</h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Between two women of equal beauty, -always pick the one who closes her eyes -when she kisses you. She’s not so likely -to think you want to marry her.</p> - -<p>The proof that men do not understand -women is that they love them. The proof that -women <b><i>do</i></b> understand men is that they marry -them.</p> - -<p>The first kiss is always stolen by the man. -And the last one is always begged by the -woman.</p> - -<p>The length of a woman’s kiss nearly always -depends upon the breadth of her imagination.</p> - -<p>To remain a woman’s ideal a man must die -a bachelor.</p> - -<p>A woman’s idea of Hell—“Nobody loves me -and my clothes don’t fit.”</p> - -<p>If there were only three women left in the -world, two of them would immediately convene -a court-martial to try the other one.</p> - -<p>Men frequently marry to keep other men -from getting the woman they desire. They are -not always successful.</p> - -<p>The final definition of love is something that -gives pain without hurting.</p> - -<p>Self-respect means a comfortable sense that -you have not been found out.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<p>When a man commits a sin, he says, “How -shall I conceal this?” When a woman commits -a sin she says, “How can I let my friends -know of this without bragging?”</p> - -<p>The theory that really to know two women -one must introduce them is ridiculous. It often -results in a divorce.</p> - -<p>A woman’s head is not always turned by -flattery; sometimes its peroxide.</p> - -<p>When a woman starts an idle rumor, it at -once ceases to be idle.</p> - -<p>One beauty of being single is that it’s a -dreadfully thrilling experience until one’s wife -finds it out.</p> - -<p>It must be dreadful to meet at dinner the -man who ran away with one’s wife. It places -one under <b><i>such</i></b> an obligation!</p> - -<p>If there were only one bachelor in the -world, every married woman would still think -she made a mistake when she married her husband.</p> - -<p>Experience in man is something which is -brought with the tears of plain women and the -kisses of pretty ones.</p> - -<p>Love without respect is an angel with but -one wing.</p> - -<p>To make marriage perfect, the husband -should be deaf and the wife blind.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Life is a river. Men are the boats. Women -are the sandbars.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Fashion note: Cellar steps are worn very -much this year.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Army Daze</h3> - -<p>About 2:00 o’clock one morning while making -the rounds as Officer of the Day, I was -halted by a sentry on post. After giving the -pass word and being duly recognized, I asked -for his special orders. You may imagine my -surprise as he stood at port arms and said:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Sir (hic), my special orders are:</div> -<div class="verse">This post extends from tank to tank;</div> -<div class="verse">Salute all officers according to rank;</div> -<div class="verse">Take charge of all the shot and shell,</div> -<div class="verse">And all the water in the (hic) well,</div> -<div class="verse">And all the wood that’s in the yard,—</div> -<div class="verse">In case of fire, alarm the guard.</div> -<div class="verse">These are the orders I received</div> -<div class="verse">From the gosh darned sentry I relieved.</div> -<div class="verse">If this isn’t so, may I drop dead;</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve only had two hours in bed,</div> -<div class="verse">(Hic) Sir (hic).”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Blankety Blank Verse</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By William Sanford</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">My wife came in very late last night,</div> -<div class="verse">Explaining that she had spent the evening</div> -<div class="verse">With her friend Cora.</div> -<div class="verse">But she did not look me in the face</div> -<div class="verse">When she said it.</div> -<div class="verse">But what could I say,</div> -<div class="verse">Coming in but a moment before,</div> -<div class="verse">After having spent the evening</div> -<div class="verse">Myself</div> -<div class="verse">With Cora.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Even a fish won’t get caught—if it keeps its -mouth shut.</p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Larry Turn the Crank</h2> - -<p>For the past year or so a flock of these motion picture -fellows have been coming to see Ye Editor with propositions -to put out a Motion Picture Edition of this little -journal of wit, humor and filosophy, and now it looks -like we would succumb to these offers.</p> - -<p>At this writing, our Hollywood representative, Mr. -Morrison B. Egbert, is negotiating with film distributors -for the putting on the screens of up to eight thousand -theaters weekly the</p> - -<p class="center larger"><span class="larger">Screen Edition</span><br /> -<span class="smaller">OF</span><br /> -Captain Billy’s<br /> -WHIZ BANG</p> - -<p>The film will contain gems of early issues and new -material not published in current issues. Jokes, jests, -jingles, advice to the lovelorn from Captain Billy, Mail -Bag, Pot Pourri and other delectable offerings will be -filmed.</p> - -<p>As this magazine reaches the hands of YOU, the -Reader, the weekly film should be ready for booking. If -your theater doesn’t show it, ask the manager to get busy -and climb on our band wagon. In conclusion, as our -friend K. C. B. would remark—</p> - -<p class="center">I Thank You.</p> - -<p class="right larger">Captain Billy</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-orange"> - -<h2><i>Our Winter Annual</i></h2> - -<p>In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter -Annual of this great family journal will contain a large -variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri, -stories, and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed -Follies of 1921-22, will contain four times as much reading -matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and will -sell for one dollar per copy. It will be a book which will -be cherished by the readers for years to come, and will -contain the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet -put in print. Included in the list will be:</p> - -<div class="sans"> - -<p>Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, -The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), -The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” -Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy -Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The -Ladies,” Toledo Slim.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Advance orders are now being received and will be -mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off -the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, -money order or stamps.</p> - -<hr class="all-orange" /> - -<p class="hanging sans">Whiz Bang,<br /> -Robbinsdale, Minnesota.</p> - -<p class="noindent">Gentlemen:</p> - -<p>Enclosed is check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for -which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain -Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”</p> - -<div class="form">Name</div> - -<div class="form">Address</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w20 orange"> - -<p class="center larger"><i class="u">Everywhere!</i></p> - -<p>Whiz Bang is on sale -at all leading hotels, -news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains -30 cents, or may be -ordered direct from -the publisher at 25 -cents single copies; -two-fifty a year.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"> -<img src="images/bull.jpg" width="200" height="75" alt="A bull" /> -</div> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. -24, September, 1921, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, SEPT 1921 *** - -***** This file should be named 61307-h.htm or 61307-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/1/3/0/61307/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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