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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d5271dd --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #60071 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60071) diff --git a/old/60071-0.txt b/old/60071-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0956325..0000000 --- a/old/60071-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3894 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Principles of politeness, and of knowing -the world, by Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield) - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Principles of politeness, and of knowing the world - -Author: Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield) - -Release Date: August 7, 2019 [EBook #60071] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRINCIPLES OF POLITENESS *** - - - - -Produced by Turgut Dincer, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - PRINCIPLES - OF POLITENESS, - AND OF - KNOWING THE WORLD. - - By the late LORD CHESTERFIELD. - - Methodised and digested under distinct Heads, - - WITH ADDITIONS, - - By the Rev. Dr. JOHN TRUSLER: - - CONTAINING - - Every Instruction necessary to complete the - GENTLEMAN and MAN OF FASHION; to - teach him a Knowledge of Life, and make - him well received in all Companies. - - TO WHICH IS NOW FIRST ANNEXED - - A FATHER’S LEGACY - TO HIS DAUGHTERS: - - By the late Dr. GREGORY, - OF EDINBURGH. - - The whole admirably calculated for the - IMPROVEMENT of YOUTH, yet not beneath - the attention of any. - - ------------------------------------------- - - PORTSMOUTH, NEW-HAMPSHIRE: - PRINTED BY MELCHER and OSBORNE. - M,DCC,LXXXVI. - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - -[Illustration] - - - - - INTRODUCTION - - TO THE PORTSMOUTH EDITION. - - -The two parts of this work, which have heretofore been printed separate, -are now offered to the Public in one volume, as a system of polite and -moral instruction for both sexes: This edition is critically corrected, -with the special design of furnishing English schools, at a small -expence, with a proper book for reading and parsing their own language, -that the teacher may be provided with suitable means for mending the -manners of his pupils, while he informs their understandings, by -analyzing the grammatical construction, and pointing out the beauties of -the most approved style. - -PORTSMOUTH, Jan. 1786. - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - ADVERTISEMENT. - - -_The late Lord_ CHESTERFIELD _having been universally allowed to be one -of the best bred men of the age, and most intimately acquainted with the -principles and manners of mankind, the Editor of the following pages -humbly apprehends he could not do the rising generation a greater -service, than by collecting those valuable precepts which are contained -in his celebrated letters to his son, digesting them under distinct -heads, and thereby forming a system of the most useful instruction._ - -_To that end, he has diligently selected every observation and remark -that can possibly improve or inform the mind, within the rules of -morality: and where there seemed a deficiency in any part of the system, -from the occasional chasms in Lord Chesterfield’s correspondence, he has -endeavoured to supply it. Much might have been said on the subject of -indelicacy, but as instructions on that head, to persons possessed of a -liberal education, must have been unnecessary, they are here purposely -omitted. Some may be apt to think, that many things in this work are too -frivolous to be mentioned; but when it is remembered they are calculated -for the multitude, it is presumed they will be received as respectable -admonitions. In short, it has been the Editor’s study to make Lord -Chesterfield useful to every class of youth; to lay that instruction -before them, which they with difficulty must have found amidst a heap of -other matter; in a word, to give the very essence of his letters, and at -a tenth part of the_ price _those letters sell for_. - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - PRINCIPLES - OF - POLITENESS, &c. - - ADDRESSED TO - EVERY YOUNG GENTLEMAN. - - -As all young men, on their first outset in life, are in want of some -experienced and friendly hand to bring them forward, and teach them a -knowledge of the world; I think I cannot do the rising generation a -greater service, than by directing the young man’s steps, and teaching -him how to make his way among the crowd. I will suppose him already -instructed in the principles of religion, and necessity of moral -virtues; (for without these he must be most unhappy) of course shall, in -a series of chapters, point out, under distinct heads, the -qualifications necessary to make him well received in the world; without -which, he cannot expect to bear his part in life, agreeably to his own -wishes, or the duty he owes to society; and as modesty is the basis of a -proper reception, I shall begin with that. - - - MODESTY. - -Modesty is a polite accomplishment, and generally an attendant upon -merit: It is engaging to the highest degree, and wins the heart of all -our acquaintance. On the contrary, none are more disgustful in company -than the impudent and presuming. - -THE man who is, on all occasions, commending and speaking well of -himself, we naturally dislike. On the other hand, he who studies to -conceal his own defects, who does justice to the merit of others, who -talks but little of himself, and that with modesty, makes a favourable -impression on the persons he is conversing with, captivates their minds, -and gains their esteem. - -MODESTY, however, widely differs from an awkward bashfulness, which is -as much to be condemned as the other is to be applauded. To appear -simple is as ill-bred as to be impudent. A young man ought to be able to -come into a room and address the company, without the least -embarrassment. To be out of countenance when spoken to, and not to have -an answer ready, is ridiculous to the last degree. - -AN awkward country fellow, when he comes into company better than -himself, is exceedingly disconcerted. He knows not what to do with his -hands, or his hat, but either puts one of them in his pocket, and -dangles the other by his side; or perhaps twirls his hat on his fingers, -or fumbles with the button. If spoken to, he is in a much worse -situation, he answers with the utmost difficulty, and nearly stammers; -whereas a gentleman, who is acquainted with life, enters a room with -gracefulness and a modest assurance, addresses even persons he does not -know, in an easy and natural manner, and without the least -embarrassment. This is the characteristic of good-breeding, a very -necessary knowledge in our intercourse with men; for one of inferior -parts, with the behaviour of a gentleman, is frequently better received -than a man of sense, with the address and manners of a clown. - -IGNORANCE and vice are the only things we need be ashamed of; steer -clear of these, and you may go into any company you will: Not that I -would have a young man throw off all dread of appearing abroad; as a -fear of offending, or being disesteemed, will make him observe a proper -decorum. Some persons from experiencing the inconveniencies of false -modesty, have run into the other extreme, and acquired the character of -impudent: This is as great a fault as the other. A well-bred man keeps -himself within the two, and steers the middle way. He is easy and firm -in every company, is modest but not bashful, steady but not impudent. He -copies the manners of the better people, and conforms to their customs -with ease and attention. - -TILL we can present ourselves in all companies with coolness and -unconcern, we can never present ourselves well; nor will a man ever be -supposed to have kept good company, or ever be acceptable in such -company, if he cannot appear there easy and unembarrassed. A modest -assurance, in every part of life, is the most advantageous qualification -we can possibly acquire. - -INSTEAD of becoming insolent, a man of sense, under a consciousness of -merit, is more modest. He behaves himself indeed with firmness, but -without the least presumption. The man who is ignorant of his own merit, -is no less a fool than he who is constantly displaying it. A man of -understanding avails himself of his abilities, but never boasts of them; -whereas the timid and bashful can never push himself in life, be his -merit as great as it will; he will be always kept behind by the forward -and bustling. A man of abilities, and acquainted with life, will stand -as firm in defence of his own rights, and pursue his plans as steadily -and unmoved, as the most impudent man alive; but then he does it with a -seeming modesty. Thus manner is every thing; what is impudence in one, -is proper assurance only in another; for firmness is commendable, but an -overbearing conduct is disgustful. - -FORWARDNESS being the very reverse of modesty, follow rather than lead -the company; that is, join in discourse upon subjects, rather than start -one of your own: If you have parts, you will have opportunities enough -of shewing them on every topic of conversation, and if you have none, it -is better to expose yourself upon a subject of other people’s than of -your own. - -BUT, be particularly careful not to speak of yourself, if you can help -it. An impudent fellow lugs in himself abruptly upon all occasions, and -is ever the hero of his own story. Others will colour their arrogance -with, ‘It may seem strange, indeed, that I should talk in this manner of -myself; it is what I by no means like, and should never do, if I had not -been cruelly and unjustly accused; but when my character is attacked, it -is a justice I owe to myself, to defend it.’ This veil is too thin not -to be seen through on the first inspection. - -OTHERS again, with more art, will _modestly_ boast of all the principal -virtues, by calling those virtues weaknesses, and saying, they are so -unfortunate as to fall into weaknesses. ‘I cannot see persons suffer,’ -says one of this cast, ‘without relieving them; though my circumstances -are very unable to afford it.’ ‘I cannot avoid speaking truth, though it -is often very imprudent,’ and so on. - -THIS angling for praise is so prevailing a principle, that it frequently -stoops to the lowest objects. Men will often boast of doing that, which, -if true, would be rather a disgrace to them than otherwise. One man -affirms that he rode twenty miles within the hour; ’tis probably a lie; -but suppose he did, what then? He had a good horse under him, and is a -good jockey. Another swears he has often at a sitting, drank five or six -bottles to his own share. Out of respect to him, I will believe _him_ a -liar, for I would not wish to think him a beast. - -THESE and many more are the follies of idle people, which, while they -think they procure them esteem, in reality make them despised. - -TO avoid this contempt, therefore, never speak of yourself at all, -unless necessity obliges you; and even then, take care to do it in such -a manner, that it may not be construed in to fishing for applause. -Whatever perfections you may have, be assured, people will find them -out; but whether they do or not, nobody will take them upon your own -word. The less you say of yourself, the more the world will give you -credit for; and the more you say, the less they will believe you. - - - LYING. - -OF all the vices, there is no one more criminal, more mean, and more -ridiculous, than lying. The end we design by it is very seldom -accomplished, for lies are always found out, at one time or other; and -yet there are persons who give way to this vice, who are otherwise of -good principles, and have not been ill educated. - -LIES generally proceed from vanity, cowardice, and a revengeful -disposition, and sometimes from a mistaken notion of self-defence. - -HE who tells a malicious lie, with a view of injuring the person he -speaks of, may gratify his wish for a while, but will, in the end, find -it recoil upon himself; for, as soon as he is detected (and detected he -most certainly will be) he is despised for the infamous attempt, and -whatever he may say hereafter of that person, will be considered as -false, whether it be so or not. - -IF a man lies, shuffles, or equivocates, for, in fact, they are all -alike, by way of excuse for any thing he has said or done, he aggravates -the offence rather than lessens it; for the person to whom the lie is -told has a right to know the truth, or there would have been no occasion -to have framed a falsehood. This person, of course, will think himself -ill treated for being a second time affronted; for what can be a greater -affront than an attempt to impose upon any man’s understanding? Besides, -lying, in excuse for a fault, betrays fear, than which nothing is more -dastardly, and unbecoming the character of a gentleman. - -THERE is nothing more manly, or more noble, if we have done wrong, than -frankly to own it. It is the only way of meeting forgiveness. Indeed, -confessing a fault and asking pardon, with great minds, is considered as -a sufficient atonement. ‘I have been betrayed into an error,’ or ‘I have -injured you, Sir, and am heartily ashamed of it, and sorry for it,’ has -frequently disarmed the person injured, and where he would have been our -enemy, has made him our friend. - -THERE are persons also, whose _vanity_ leads them to tell a thousand -lies. They persuade themselves, that if it be no way injurious to -others, it is harmless and innocent, and they shelter their falsehoods -under the softer name of _untruths_. These persons are foolish enough to -imagine, that if they can recite any thing wonderful, they draw the -attention of the company, and if they themselves are the objects of that -wonder, they are looked up to as persons extraordinary. This has made -many men to see things that never were in being, hear things that never -were said, atchieve feats that never were attempted, dealing always in -the marvellous. Such may be assured, however unwilling the persons they -are conversing with may be to laugh in their faces, that they hold them -secretly in the highest contempt; for he who will tell a lie thus idly, -will not scruple to tell a greater, where his interest is concerned. -Rather than any person should doubt of my veracity for one minute, I -would deprive myself of telling abroad either what I had really seen or -heard, if such things did not carry with them the face of probability. - -OTHERS again will boast of the great respect they meet with in certain -companies; of the honors that are continually heaped on them there; of -the great price they give for every thing they purchase; and this to be -thought of consequence; but, unless such people have the best and most -accurate memory, they will, perhaps, very soon after, contradict their -former assertions, and subject themselves to contempt and derision. - -REMEMBER then as long as you live, that nothing but strict truth can -carry you through life with honor and credit. Liars are not only -disagreeable but dangerous companions, and, when known, will ever be -shunned by men of understanding. Besides, as the greatest liars are -generally the greatest fools, a man who addicts himself to this -detestable vice, will not only be looked upon as vulgar, but will never -be considered as a man of sense. - - - GOOD-BREEDING. - -VOID of good-breeding, every other qualification will be imperfect, -unadorned, and to a certain degree unavailing. - -GOOD-BREEDING being the result of good sense and good nature, is it not -wonderful that people possessed of the one, should be deficient in the -other? The modes of it, varying according to persons, places, and -circumstances, cannot indeed be acquired otherwise than by time and -observation, but the substance is every where and always the same. - -WHAT good morals are to society in general, good manners are to -particular ones; their band and security. Of all actions, next to that -of performing a good one, the consciousness of rendering a civility is -the most grateful. - -WE seldom see a person, let him be ever so ill-bred, want in respect to -those whom he acknowledges to be his superiors; the manner of shewing -this respect, then, is all I contend for. The well-bred man expresses it -naturally and easily, while he who is unused to good company expresses -it awkwardly. Study, then, to shew that respect which every one wishes -to shew, in an easy and grateful way; but this must be learnt by -observation. - -IN company with your equals, or in mixed companies, a greater latitude -may be taken in your behaviour; yet, it should never exceed the bounds -of decency; for, though no one in this case, can claim any distinguished -marks of respect, every one is entitled to civility and good manners. A -man need not, for example, fear to put his hands in his pockets, take -snuff, sit, stand, or occasionally walk about the room; but it would be -highly unbecoming to whistle, wear his hat, loosen his garters, or throw -himself across the chairs. Such liberties are offensive to our equals, -and insulting to our inferiors. Easiness of carriage by no means implies -inattention and carelessness. No one is at liberty to act, in all -respects, as he pleases; but is bound by the laws of good manners to -behave with decorum. - -LET a man talk to you ever so stupidly or frivolously, not to pay some -attention to what he says, is savageness to the greatest degree. Nay, if -he even forces his conversation to you, it is worse than rudeness not to -listen to him; for your inattention in this case, tells him, in express -terms, that you think him a blockhead and not worth the hearing. Now, if -such behaviour is rude to men, it is much more so to women, who, be -their rank what it will, have, on account of their sex, a claim to -officious attention from the men. Their little wants and whims, their -likes and dislikes, and even their impertinences, are particularly -attended to and flattered, and their very thoughts and wishes guessed at -and instantly gratified, by every well-bred man. - -IN promiscuous companies, you should vary your address, agreeably to the -different ages of the persons you speak to. It would be rude and absurd -to talk of your amours or your pleasures to men of certain dignity and -gravity, to clergymen, or men in years; but still you should be as easy -with them as with others, your manner only should be varied; you should, -if possible, double your respect and attention to them; and were you to -insinuate occasionally, that from their observation and experience you -wish to profit, you would insensibly win their esteem; for flattery, if -not fulsome and gross, is agreeable to all. - -WHEN invited to dinner or supper, you must never usurp to yourself the -best places, the best dishes, &c. but always decline them, and offer -them to others, except, indeed, you are offered any thing by a superior, -when it would be a rudeness, if you liked it, not to accept it -immediately, without the least apology.—Thus, for example, was a -superior, the master of the table, to offer you a thing of which there -was but one, to pass it to the person next you, would be indirectly -charging him that offered it to you, with a want of good manners and -proper respect to his company; or, if you were the only stranger -present, it would be a rudeness if you make a feint of refusing it with -the customary apology, ‘I cannot think of taking it from you, sir;’ or, -‘I am sorry to deprive you of it;’ as it is supposed he is conscious of -his own rank, and if he chose not to give it, would not have offered it; -your apology therefore, in this case, is putting him upon an equality -with yourself. In like manner, it is rudeness to draw back when -requested by a superior to pass a door first, or to step into a carriage -before him. In short, it would be endless to particularise all the -instances in which a well-bred man shews his politeness in good company, -such as not yawning, singing, whistling, warming his breech at the fire, -lounging, putting his legs upon the chairs, and the like, familiarities -every man’s good sense must condemn, and good-breeding abhor. - -BUT, good-breeding consists in more than merely not being ill-bred. To -return a bow, speak when you are spoken to, and say nothing rude, are -such negative acts of good-breeding, that they are little more than not -being a brute. Would it not be a very poor commendation of any man’s -cleanliness, to say that he was not offensive? If we wish for the good -will and esteem of our acquaintance, our good-breeding must be active, -cheerful, officious and seducing. - -FOR example, should you invite any one to dine or sup with you, -recollect whether ever you had observed them to prefer one thing to -another, and endeavour to procure that thing; when at table, say, ‘At -such a time, I think you seemed to give this dish a preference, I -therefore ordered it.’ ‘This is the wine I observed you like best, I -have therefore been at some pains to procure it.’ Trifling as these -things may appear, they prove an attention to the person they are said -to; and as attention in trifles is the test of respect, the compliment -will not be lost. - -I NEED only refer you to your own breast. How have these little -attentions, when shewn you by others, flattered that self-love which no -man is free from? They incline and attach us to that person, and -prejudice us afterwards, to all that he says or does. The declaration of -the women in a great degree stamps a man’s reputation of being either -ill or well-bred; you must then, in a manner, overwhelm them with these -attentions; they are used to them, and naturally expect them, and to do -them justice, they are seldom lost upon them. You must be sedulous to -wait upon them, pick up with alacrity any thing they drop, and be very -officious in procuring their carriages or their chairs in public places; -be blind to what you should not see, and deaf to what you should not -hear. Opportunities of shewing these attentions are continually -presenting themselves; but in case they should not, you must study to -create them. - -IF ever you would be esteemed by the women, your conversation to them -should be always respectful, lively, and addressed to their vanity. -Every thing you say or do, should tend to shew a regard to their beauty -or good sense: Even men are not without their vanities of one kind or -another, and flattering that vanity by words and looks of approbation, -is one of the principal characters of good-breeding. - -ADDRESS and manners, with weak persons, who are actually three-fourths -of the world, are every thing; and even people of the best understanding -are taken in with them. Where the heart is not won, and the eye pleased, -the mind will be seldom on our side. - -IN short, learning and erudition, without good-breeding, are tiresome -and pedantic; and an ill-bred man is as unfit for good company, as he -will be unwelcome in it. Nay, he is full as unfit for business as for -company. Make, then, good-breeding the great object of your thoughts and -actions. Be particularly observant of, and endeavour to imitate, the -behaviour and manners of such as are distinguished by their politeness; -and be persuaded, that good-breeding is to all worldly qualifications, -what charity is to all Christian virtues; it adorns merit, and often -covers the want of it. - - - GENTEEL CARRIAGE. - -NEXT to good-breeding is a genteel manner and carriage, wholly free from -those ill habits and awkward actions, which many very worthy persons are -addicted to. - -A GENTEEL manner of behaviour, how trifling so-ever it may seem, is of -the utmost consequence in private life. Men of very inferior parts have -been esteemed, merely for their genteel carriage and good-breeding, -while sensible men have given disgust for want of it. There is something -or other that prepossesses us at first sight, in favour of a well-bred -man, and makes us wish to like him. - -WHEN an awkward fellow first comes into a room, he attempts to bow, and -his sword, if he wears one, goes between his legs, and nearly throws him -down. Confused and ashamed, he stumbles to the upper end of the room, -and seats himself in the very chair he should not. He there begins -playing with his hat, which he presently drops; and recovering his hat, -he lets fall his cane; and in picking up his cane, down goes his hat -again; thus ’tis a considerable time before he is adjusted. When his tea -or coffee is handed to him, he spreads his handkerchief upon his knees, -scalds his mouth, drops either the cup or the saucer, and spills the tea -or coffee in his lap. At dinner he is more uncommonly awkward; there he -tucks his napkin through a button-hole, which tickles his chin, and -occasions him to make a variety of wry faces; he seats himself upon the -edge of the chair, at so great a distance from the table, that he -frequently drops his meat between his plate and his mouth; he holds his -knife, fork and spoon differently from other people; eats with his -knife, to the manifest danger of his mouth; picks his teeth with his -fork, rakes his mouth with his finger, and puts his spoon which has been -in his throat a dozen times, into the dish again. If he is to carve, he -cannot hit the joint, but in labouring to cut through the bone, splashes -the sauce over every body’s cloaths. He generally daubs himself all -over, his elbows are in the next person’s plate, and he is up to the -knuckles in soup and grease. If he drinks, it is with his mouth full, -interrupting the whole company with ‘To your good health, sir,’ and ‘My -service to you;’ perhaps coughs in his glass, and be-sprinkles the whole -table. Further, he has perhaps a number of disagreeable tricks, he -snuffs up his nose, picks it with his fingers, blows it, and looks in -his handkerchief, crams his hands first into his bosom, and next into -his breeches. In short, he neither dresses nor acts like any other -person, but is particularly awkward in every thing he does. All this, I -own, has nothing in it criminal; but it is such an offence to good -manners and good-breeding, that it is universally despised; it makes a -man ridiculous in every company, and, of course, ought carefully to be -avoided by every one who would wish to please. - -FROM this picture of the ill-bred man, you will easily discover that of -the well-bred; for you may readily judge what you ought to do, when you -are told what you ought not to do; a little attention to the manners of -those who have seen the world, will make a proper behaviour habitual and -familiar to you. - -ACTIONS, that would otherwise be pleasing, frequently become ridiculous -by the manner of doing them. If a lady drop her fan in company, the -worst-bred man would immediately pick it up, and give it to her; the -best bred man can do no more; but then he does it in a graceful manner, -that is sure to please; whereas the other would do it so awkwardly as to -be laughed at. - -YOU may also know a well-bred person by his manner of sitting. Ashamed -and confused, the awkward man sits in his chair stiff and bolt upright, -whereas the man of fashion, is easy in every position; instead of -lolling or lounging as he sits, he leans with elegance, and by varying -his attitudes, shews that he has been used to good company. Let it be -one part of your study then, to learn to sit genteely in different -companies, to loll gracefully, where you are authorized to take that -liberty, and sit up respectfully, where that freedom is not allowable. - -IN short, you cannot conceive how advantageous a graceful carriage and a -pleasing address are, upon all occasions; they ensnare the affections, -seal a prepossession in our favour, and play about the heart till they -engage it. - -NOW to acquire a graceful air, you must attend to your dancing; no one -can either sit, stand or walk well, unless he dances well. And, in -learning to dance, be particularly attentive to the motion of your arms, -for a stiffness in the wrist will make any man look awkward. If a man -walks well, presents himself well in company, wears his hat well, moves -his head properly, and his arms gracefully, it is almost all that is -necessary. - -THERE is also an awkwardness in speech, that naturally falls under this -head, and ought to and may be guarded against; such as forgetting names, -and mistaking one name for another; to speak of Mr. What-d’ye-call-him, -or You-know-who, Mrs. Thingum, What’s-her-name, or How-d’ye-call-her, is -exceedingly awkward and vulgar. It is the same to address people by -improper titles, as _sir_ for _my lord_; to begin a story without being -able to finish it, and break off in the middle, with, ‘I have forgot the -rest.’ - -OUR voice and manner of speaking too, should likewise be attended to. -Some will mumble over their words, so as not to be intelligible, and -others will speak so fast as not to be understood, and, in doing this, -will spatter and spit in your face; some will bawl as if they were -speaking to the deaf; others will speak so low as scarcely to be heard; -and many will put their face so close to yours, as to offend you with -their breath. All these habits are horrid and disgustful, but may easily -be got the better of, with care. They are the vulgar characteristics of -a low-bred man, or are proofs that very little pains have been bestowed -in his education. In short, an attention to these little matters is of -greater importance than you are aware of; many sensible men having lost -ground for want of these little graces, and many, possessed of these -perfections alone, having made their way through life, who otherwise -would not have been noticed. - - - CLEANLINESS OF PERSON. - -BUT, as no one can please in company, however graceful in his air, -unless he be clean and neat in his person, this qualification comes next -to be considered. - -NEGLIGENCE of one’s person not only implies an unsufferable indolence, -but an indifference whether we please or not. It betrays an insolence -and affectation, arising from a presumption, that we are sure of -pleasing, without having recourse to those means which many are obliged -to use. - -HE who is not thoroughly clean in his person, will be offensive to all -he converses with. A particular regard to the cleanliness of your mouth, -teeth, hands and nails, is but common decency. A foul mouth and unclean -hands, are certain marks of vulgarity; the first is the cause of an -offensive breath, which nobody can bear, and the last is declarative of -dirty work; one may always know a gentleman by the state of his hands -and nails. The flesh at the roots should be kept back, so as to shew the -semicircles at the bottom of the nails; the edges of the nails should -never be cut down below the ends of the fingers, nor should they be -suffered to grow longer than the fingers. When the nails are cut down to -the quick, it is a shrewd sign that the man is a mechanic, to whom long -nails would be troublesome, or that he gets his bread by fiddling; and -if they are longer than his fingers’ ends, and encircled with a black -rim, it foretells he has been laboriously and meanly employed, and too -fatigued to clean himself; a good apology for want of cleanliness in a -mechanic, but the greatest disgrace that can attend a gentleman. - -THESE things may appear too insignificant to be mentioned; but when it -is considered that a thousand little nameless things, which every one -feels, but no one can describe, conspire to form that _whole_ of -pleasing, I hope you will not call them trifling. Besides, a clean shirt -and a clean person are as necessary to health, as not to offend other -people. It is a maxim with me, which I have lived to see verified, that -he who is negligent at twenty years of age, will be a sloven at forty, -and intolerable at fifty. - - - DRESS. - -NEATNESS of person, I observed, was as necessary as cleanliness; of -course, some attention must be paid to your dress. - -SUCH is the absurdity of the times, that to pass well with the world, we -must adopt some of its customs, be they ridiculous or not. - -IN the first place, to neglect one’s dress is to affront all the female -part of our acquaintance. The women in particular pay an attention to -their dress; to neglect therefore yours will displease them, as it would -be tacitly taxing them with vanity, and declaring that you thought them -not worth that respect which every body else does. And, as I have -mentioned before, it being the women who stamp a young man’s credit in -the fashionable world, if you do not make yourself agreeable to them, -you will assuredly lose ground among the men. - -DRESS, as trifling as it may appear to a man of understanding, -prepossesses on the first appearance, which is frequently decisive. And -indeed we form some opinion of a man’s sense and character from his -dress. Any exceeding of the fashion, or any affectation whatever in -dress, argues a weakness in understanding, and nine times in ten, it -will be found so. - -THERE are few young fellows but what display some character or other in -this shape. Some would be thought fearless and brave; these wear a black -cravat, a short coat and waistcoat, an uncommon long sword hanging to -their knees, a large hat fiercely cocked, and are _flash_ all over. -Others affect to be country squires; these will go about in buckskin -breeches, brown frocks, and great oaken cudgels in their hands, slouched -hats, with their hair undressed and tucked up under them to an enormous -size, and imitate grooms and country boobies so well externally, that -there is not the least doubt of their resembling them as well -internally. Others, again, paint and powder themselves so much, and -dress so finically, as leads us to suppose they are only women in boy’s -cloaths. Now a sensible man carefully avoids all this, or any other -affectation. He dresses as fashionably and as well as persons of the -best families and best sense; if he exceeds them, he is a coxcomb; if he -dresses worse, he is unpardonable. - -DRESS yourself fine, then, if possible, or plain, agreeably to the -company you are in; that is, conform to the dress of others, and avoid -the appearance of being tumbled. Imitate those reasonable people of your -own age, whose dress is neither remarked as too neglected or too much -studied. Take care to have your clothes well made, in the fashion, and -to fit you, or you will, after all, appear awkward. When once dressed, -think no more of it; shew no fear of discomposing your dress, but let -all your motions be as easy and unembarrassed, as if you were at home in -your dishabille. - - - ELEGANCE OF EXPRESSION. - -HAVING mentioned elegance of person, I will proceed to elegance of -expression. - -IT is not one or two qualifications alone complete the gentleman; it -must be a union of many; and graceful speaking is as essential as -gracefulness of person. Every man cannot be a harmonious speaker; a -roughness or coarseness of voice may prevent it; but if there are no -natural imperfections, if a man does not stammer or lisp, or has not -lost his teeth, he may speak gracefully; nor will all these defects, if -he has a mind to it, prevent him from speaking correctly. - -NOBODY can attend with pleasure to a bad speaker. One who tells his -story ill, be it ever so important, will tire even the most patient. If -you have been present at the performance of a good tragedy, you have -doubtless been sensible of the good effects of a speech well delivered; -how much it has interested and affected you; and on the contrary, how -much an ill spoken one has disgusted you. ’Tis the same in common -conversation; he who speaks deliberately, distinctly and correctly: He -who makes use of the best words to express himself, and varies his voice -according to the nature of the subject, will always please, while the -thick or hasty speaker, he who mumbles out a set of ill-chosen words, -utters them ingrammatically, or with a dull monotony, will tire and -disgust. Be assured then, the air, the gesture, the looks of a speaker, -a proper accent, a just emphasis, and tuneful cadence, are full as -necessary to please and be attended to, as the subject matter itself. - -PEOPLE may talk what they will of solid reasoning and sound sense; -without the graces and ornaments of language, they will neither please -nor persuade. In common discourse, even trifles elegantly expressed will -be better received than the best of arguments homespun and unadorned. - -A GOOD way to acquire a graceful utterance is to read aloud to some -friend every day, and beg of him to set you right, in case you read too -fast, do not observe the proper stops, lay a wrong emphasis, or utter -your words indistinctly. You may even read aloud to yourself, where such -a friend is not at hand, and you will find your own ear a good -corrector. Take care to open your teeth when you read or speak, and -articulate every word distinctly; which last cannot be done, but by -sounding the final letter. But above all, endeavour to vary your voice, -according to the matter, and avoid a monotony. By a daily attention to -this, it will, in a little time, become easy and habitual to you. - -PAY an attention also to your looks and your gestures, when talking even -on the most trifling subjects; things appear very different according as -they are expressed, looked and delivered. - -NOW, if it is necessary to attend so particularly to our _manner_ of -speaking, it is much more so, with respect to the _matter_. Fine turns -of expression, a genteel and correct style, are ornaments as requisite -to common sense, as polite behaviour and an elegant address are to -common good manners; they are great assistants in the point of pleasing. -A gentleman, ’tis true, may be known in the meanest garb, but it admits -not of a doubt, that he would be better received into good company, -genteelly and fashionably dressed, than if he appeared in dirt and -tatters. - -BE careful then of your style upon all occasions; whether you write or -speak, study for the best words and best expressions, even in common -conversation, or the most familiar letters. This will prevent your -speaking in a hurry, than which nothing is more vulgar; though you may -be a little embarrassed at first, time and use will render it easy. It -is no such difficult thing to express ourselves well on subjects we are -thoroughly acquainted with, if we think before we speak; and no one -should presume to do otherwise. When you have said a thing, if you did -not reflect before, be sure to do it afterwards; consider with yourself, -whether you could not have expressed yourself better; and if you are in -doubt of the propriety or elegancy of any word, search for it in some -dictionary,[1] or some good author, while you remember it: Never be -sparing of your trouble while you would wish to improve, and my word for -it, a very little time will make this matter habitual. - -Footnote 1: - - Johnson’s folio Dictionary _you will find very serviceable_; _and the_ - Difference between Words reputed synonimous; _a work in two volumes, - written by me some years ago, and published by Dodsley_. - -IN order to speak grammatically, and to express yourself pleasingly, I -would recommend it to you to translate often any language you are -acquainted with into English, and to correct such translation till the -words, their order, and the periods, are agreeable to your own ear. - -VULGARISM in language is another distinguishing mark of bad company and -education. Expressions may be correct in themselves, and yet be vulgar, -owing to their not being fashionable; for language and manners are both -established by the usage of people of fashion. - -THE conversation of a low-bred man is filled up with proverbs and -hackneyed sayings. Instead of observing that tastes are different, and -that most men have one peculiar to themselves, he will give you, ‘What -is one man’s meat is another man’s poison;’ or, ‘Every one to their -liking, as the old woman said, when she killed her cow.’ He has ever -some favourite word, which he lugs in upon all occasions, right or -wrong; such as _vastly_ angry, _vastly_ kind; _devilish_ ugly, -_devilish_ handsome; _immensely_ great, _immensely_ little. Even his -pronunciation carries the mark of vulgarity along with it; he calls the -earth, _yearth_; finan’ces, _fin’ances_; he goes _to words_, and not -towards such a place. He affects to use hard words, to give him the -appearance of a man of learning, but frequently mistakes their meaning, -and seldom, if ever, pronounces them properly. - -ALL this must be avoided, if you would not be supposed to have kept -company with footmen and housemaids. Never have recourse to proverbial -or vulgar sayings; use neither favourite nor hard words, but seek for -the most elegant; be careful in the management of them, and depend on it -your labour will not be lost; for nothing is more engaging than a -fashionable and polite address. - - - ADDRESS, PHRASEOLOGY, AND SMALL-TALK. - -IN all good company, we meet with a certain manner, phraseology, and -general conversation, that distinguish the man of fashion. These can -only be acquired by frequenting good company, and being particularly -attentive to all that passes there. - -WHEN invited to dine or sup at the house of any well-bred man, observe -how he does the honors of his table, and mark his manner of treating his -company. - -ATTEND to the compliments of congratulation or condolence that he pays; -and take notice of his address to his superiors, his equals and his -inferiors; nay, his very looks and tone of voice, are worth your -attention, for we cannot please without a union of them all. - -THERE is a certain distinguishing diction that marks the man of fashion, -a certain language of conversation that every gentleman should be master -of. Saying to a man just married, ‘I wish you joy,’ or to one who has -lost his wife, ‘I am sorry for your loss,’ and both perhaps with an -unmeaning countenance, may be civil, but it is nevertheless vulgar. A -man of fashion will express the same thing more elegantly, and with a -look of sincerity, that shall attract the esteem of the person he speaks -to. He will advance to the one, with warmth and cheerfulness, and -perhaps squeezing him by the hand, will say, ‘Believe me, my dear Sir, I -have scarce words to express the joy I feel, upon your happy alliance -with such or such a family,’ &c. To the other in affliction, he will -advance slower, and with a peculiar composure of voice and countenance, -begin his compliments of condolence with, ‘I hope, Sir, you will do me -the justice to be persuaded, that I am not insensible of your -unhappiness, that I take part in your distress, and shall ever be -affected where _you_ are so.’ - -YOUR first address to, and indeed all your conversation with, your -superiors, should be open, cheerful and respectful; with your equals -warm and animated; with your inferiors, hearty, free and unreserved. - -THERE is a fashionable kind of small-talk, which however trifling it may -be thought, has its use in mixed companies: Of course you should -endeavour to acquire it. By small-talk, I mean a good deal to say on -unimportant matters; for example, foods, the flavour and growth of -wines, and the chit-chat of the day. Such conversation will serve to -keep off serious subjects, that might sometimes create disputes. This -chit-chat is chiefly to be learned by frequenting the company of the -ladies. - - - OBSERVATION. - -AS the art of pleasing is to be learnt only by frequenting the best -companies, we must endeavor to pick it up in such companies by -observation; for, it is not sense and knowledge alone that will acquire -esteem; these certainly are the first and necessary foundations for -pleasing, but they will by no means do, unless attended with manners and -attentions. - -THERE have been people who have frequented the first companies all their -life time, and yet have never got rid of their natural stiffness and -awkwardness; but have continued as vulgar as if they were never out of a -servant’s hall: This has been owing to carelessness, and a want of -attention to the manners and behaviour of others. - -THERE are a great many people likewise who busy themselves the whole -day, and who in fact do nothing. They have possibly taken up a book -for two or three hours, but from a certain inattention that grows upon -them the more it is indulged, know no more of the contents than if -they had not looked into it; nay, it is impossible for any one to -retain what he reads, unless he reflects and reasons upon it as he -goes on. When they have thus lounged away an hour or two, they will -saunter into company, without attending to any thing that passes -there; but, if they think at all, are thinking of some trifling matter -that ought not to occupy their attention; thence perhaps they go to -the play, where they stare at the company and the lights, without -attending to the piece, the very thing they went to see. In this -manner they wear away their hours, that might otherwise be employed to -their improvement and advantage. This silly suspension of thought they -would pass for _absence of mind_—ridiculous!—Wherever you are, let me -recommend it to you to pay an attention to all that passes; observe -the characters of the persons you are with, and the subjects of their -conversation; listen to every thing that is said, see every thing that -is done, and (according to the vulgar saying) have your eyes and your -ears about you. - -A CONTINUAL inattention to matters that occur, is the characteristic of -a weak mind; the man who gives way to it, is little else than a trifler, -a blank in society, which every sensible person overlooks; surely what -is worth doing, is worth doing well, and nothing can be well done, if -not properly attended to. When I hear a man say, on being asked about -any thing that was said or done in his presence, ‘that truly he did not -mind it.’ I am ready to knock the fool down. _Why_ did not he mind -it?—What else had he to do?—A man of sense and fashion never makes use -of this paltry plea, he never complains of a treacherous memory, but -attends to and remembers every thing that is either said or done. - -WHENEVER, then, you go into good company, that is the company of people -of fashion, observe carefully their behaviour, their address and their -manner; imitate them as far as in your power. Your attention, if -possible, should be so ready as to observe every person in the room at -once, their motions, their looks, and their turns of expression, and -that without staring, or seeming to be an observer. This kind of -observation may be acquired by care and practice, and will be found of -the utmost advantage to you, in the course of life. - - - ABSENCE OF MIND. - -HAVING mentioned absence of mind, let me be more particular concerning -it. - -WHAT the world calls an absent man, is generally either a very affected -one, or a very weak one; but whether weak or affected, he is, in -company, a very disagreeable man. Lost in thought, or possibly in no -thought at all, he is a stranger to every one present, and to every -thing that passes; he knows not his best friends, is deficient in every -act of good manners, unobservant of the actions of the company, and -insensible to his own. His answers are quite the reverse of what they -ought to be; talk to him of one thing, he replies, as of another. He -forgets what he said last, leaves his hat in one room, his cane in -another, and his sword in a third; nay, if it was not for his buckles, -he would even leave his shoes behind him. Neither his arms nor his legs -seem to be a part of his body, and his head is never in a right -position. He joins not in the general conversation, except it be by fits -and starts, as if awaking from a dream: I attribute this either to -weakness or affectation. His shallow mind is possibly not able to attend -to more than one thing at a time; or he would be supposed wrap’d up in -the investigation of some very important matter. Such men as Sir Isaac -Newton or Mr. Locke, might occasionally have some excuse for absence of -mind! It might proceed from that intenseness of thought which was -necessary at all times for the scientific subjects they were studying; -but, for a young man, and a man of the world, who has no such plea to -make, absence of mind is rudeness to the company, and deserves the -severest censure. - -HOWEVER insignificant a company may be; however trifling their -conversation; while you are with them, do not shew them, by an -inattention, that you think them trifling; that can never be the way to -please, but rather fall in with their weakness than otherwise; for to -mortify, or shew the least contempt to those we are in company with, is -the greatest rudeness we can be guilty of, and what few can forgive. - -I NEVER yet found a man inattentive to the person he feared, or the -woman he loved; which convinces me, that absence of mind is to be got -the better of, if we think proper to make the trial; and believe me, it -is always worth the attempt. - -ABSENCE of mind is a tacit declaration, that those we are in company -with, are not worth attending to; and what can be a greater -affront?——Besides, can an absent man improve by what is said or done in -his presence? No; he may frequent the best companies for years together, -and all to no purpose. In short, a man is neither fit for business nor -conversation, unless he can attend to the object before him, be that -object what it will. - - - KNOWLEDGE OF THE WORLD. - -A KNOWLEDGE of the world, by our own experience and observation, is so -necessary, that, without it, we shall act very absurdly, and frequently -give offence, when we do not mean it. All the learning and parts in the -world, will not secure us from it. Without an acquaintance with life, a -man may say very good things, but time them so ill, and address them so -improperly, that he had much better be silent. Full of himself, and his -own business, and inattentive to the circumstances and situations of -those he converses with, he vents it without the least discretion, says -things that he ought not to say, confuses some, shocks others, and puts -the whole company in pain, lest what he utters next should prove worse -than the last. The best direction I can give you in this matter, is -rather to fall in with the conversation of others, than start a subject -of your own; rather strive to put them more in conceit with themselves, -than to draw their attention to you. - -A NOVICE in life, he who knows little of mankind, but what he collects -from books, lays it down as a maxim, that most men love flattery; in -order therefore to please, he will flatter. But how? Without regard -either to circumstances or occasion. Instead of those delicate touches, -those soft tints, that serve to heighten the piece, he lays on his -colours with a heavy hand, and daubs, where he means to adorn; in other -words, he will flatter so unseasonably, and at the same time so grossly, -that while he wishes to please, he puts out of countenance, and is sure -to offend. On the contrary, a man of the world, one who has made life -his study, knows the power of flattery as well as he; but, then, he -knows how to apply it; he watches the opportunity, and does it -indirectly, by inference, comparison and hint. - -MAN is made up of such a variety of matter, that to search him -thoroughly, requires time and attention; for, though we are all made of -the same materials, and have all the same passions, yet, from a -difference in their proportion and combination, we vary in our -dispositions; what is agreeable to one is disagreeable to another, and -what one shall approve, another shall condemn. Reason is given us to -controul these passions, but seldom does it. Application therefore to -the reason of any man, will frequently prove ineffectual, unless we -endeavour at the same time to gain his heart. - -WHEREVER then you are, search into the characters of men; find out if -possible, their foible, their governing passion, or their particular -merit; take them on their weak side, and you will generally succeed; -their prevailing vanity you may readily discover, by observing their -favourite topic of conversation; for every one talks most, of what he -would be thought most to excel in. - -THE time should also be judiciously made choice of. Every man has his -particular times, when he may be applied to with success, the _mollia -tempora fandi_; but these times are not all day long, they must be found -out, watched, and taken advantage of. You could not hope for success in -applying to a man about one business, when he was taken up with another, -or when his mind was affected with excess of grief, anger, or the like. - -YOU cannot judge of other men’s minds better than by studying your own; -for though one man has one foible, and another has another, yet men, in -general, are very much alike. Whatever pleases or offends you, will, in -similar circumstances, please or offend others; if you find yourself -hurt, when another makes you feel his superiority, you will certainly -upon the common rule of right, _Do as you would be done by_, take care -not to let another feel _your_ superiority, if you have it; especially -if you wish to gain his interest or esteem. If disagreeable -insinuations, open contradictions, or oblique sneers, vex and anger you, -would you use them where you wished to please? Certainly not. Observe -then, with care, the operations of your own mind, and you may, in a -great measure, read all mankind. - -I WILL allow that one bred up in a cloister or college, may reason well -on the structure of the human mind; he may investigate the nature of -man, and give a tolerable account of his head, his heart, his passions, -and his sentiments: but at the same time he may know nothing of him; he -has not lived with him, and of course knows but little how those -sentiments or those passions will work.—He must be ignorant of the -various prejudices, propensities and antipathies, that always bias him, -and frequently determine him. His knowledge is acquired only from -theory, which differs widely from practice; and if he forms his judgment -from that alone, he must be often deceived; whereas a man of the world, -one who collects his knowledge from his own experience and observation, -is seldom wrong; he is well acquainted with the operations of the human -mind; prys into the heart of man; reads his words, before they are -uttered; sees his actions, before they are performed; knows what will -please and what will displease, and foresees the event of most things. - -LABOUR then to acquire this intuitive knowledge; attend carefully to the -address, the arts and manners of those acquainted with life, and -endeavour to imitate them. Observe the means they take, to gain the -favour, and conciliate the affections of those they associate with; -pursue those means, and you will soon gain the esteem of all that know -you. - -HOW often have we seen men governed by persons very much their inferiors -in point of understanding, and even without their knowing it? A proof -that some men have more worldly dexterity than others; they find out the -weak and unguarded part, make their attack there, and the man -surrenders. - -NOW from a knowledge of mankind we shall learn the advantage of two -things, the command of our temper and countenances; a trifling, -disagreeable incident shall perhaps anger one unacquainted with life, or -confound him with shame; shall make him rave like a madman, or look like -a fool; but a man of the world will never understand what he cannot or -ought not to resent. If he should chance to make a slip himself, he will -stifle his confusion, and turn it off with a jest, recovering it with -coolness. - -MANY people have sense enough to keep their own secrets; but from being -unused to a variety of company, have unfortunately such a tell-tale -countenance, as involuntarily declares what they would wish to conceal. -This is a great unhappiness, and should, as soon as possible, be got the -better of. - -THAT coolness of mind, and evenness of countenance, which prevent a -discovery of our sentiments, by our words, our actions, or our looks, -are too necessary to pass unnoticed. A man who cannot hear displeasing -things, without visible marks of anger or uneasiness; or pleasing ones, -without a sudden burst of joy, a cheerful eye, or an expanded face, is -at the mercy of every knave; for either they will designedly please or -provoke you themselves, to catch your unguarded looks; or they will -seize the opportunity thus to read your very heart, when another shall -do it. You may possibly tell me, that this coolness must be natural, for -if not, you can never acquire it. I will admit the force of -constitution, but people are very apt to blame _that_, for many things -they might readily avoid. Care, with a little reflection, will soon give -you this mastery of your temper and countenance. If you find yourself -subject to sudden starts of passion, determine with yourself not to -utter a single word till your reason has recovered itself; and resolve -to keep your countenance as unmoved as possible. As a man, who at a card -table can preserve a serenity in his looks, under good or bad luck, has -considerably the advantage of one who appears elated with success, or -cast down with ill fortune, from our being able to read his cards in his -face, so the man of the world, having to deal with one of these babbling -countenances, will take care to profit by the circumstance, let the -consequence, to him with whom he deals, be as injurious as it may. - -IN the course of life, we shall find it necessary very often to put on a -pleasing countenance, when we are exceedingly displeased; we must -frequently seem friendly, when we are quite otherwise. I am sensible it -is difficult to accost a man with smiles whom we know to be our enemy; -but what is to be done? On receiving an affront, if you cannot be -justified in knocking the offender down, you must not notice the -offence; for, in the eye of the world, taking an affront calmly is -considered as cowardice. - -IF fools should attempt at any time to be witty upon you, the best way -is not to know their witticisms are leveled at you, and to conceal any -uneasiness it may give you; but, should they be so plain that you cannot -be thought ignorant of their meaning, I would recommend, rather than -quarrel with the company, joining even in the laugh against yourself; -allowing the jest to be a good one, and take it in seeming good humour. -Never attempt to retaliate the same way, as that would imply you were -hurt. Should what is said wound your honor, or your moral character, -there is but one proper reply, which I hope you will never be obliged to -have recourse to. - -REMEMBER there are but two alternatives for a gentleman; extreme -politeness, or the sword. If a man openly and designedly affronts you, -call him out; but, if it does not amount to an open insult, be outwardly -civil; if this does not make him ashamed of his behaviour, it will -prejudice every by-stander in your favour, and instead of being -disgraced, you will come off with honor. Politeness to those we do not -respect, is no more a breach of faith, than _your humble servant_ at the -bottom of a challenge; they are universally understood to be things of -course. - -WRANGLING and quarrelling characterize a weak mind; leave them to those -who love such conduct, be _you_ always above it. Enter into no sharp -contest, and pride yourself, in shewing, if possible, more civility to -your antagonist than to any other in the company; this will infallibly -bring over all the laughers to your side, and the person you are -contending with, will be very likely to confess you have behaved very -handsomely throughout the whole affair. - -EXPERIENCE will teach us, that though all men consist principally of the -same materials, as I before took notice of, yet from a difference in -their proportion, no two men are uniformly the same; we differ from one -another, and we often differ from ourselves, that is, we sometimes do -things utterly inconsistent with the general tenor of our characters. -The wisest man may occasionally do a weak thing; the most honest man, a -wrong thing; the proudest man, a mean thing; and the worst of men will -sometimes do a good thing. On this account, our study of mankind should -not be general; we should take a frequent view of individuals, and -though we may upon the whole, form a judgment of the man from his -prevailing passion or his general character, yet it will be prudent not -to determine, till we have waited to see the operations of his -subordinate appetites and humours. - -FOR example; a man’s general character may be that of strictly honest. I -would not dispute it, because, I would not be thought envious or -malevolent; but I would not rely upon this general character, so as to -entrust him with my fortune or my life. Should this honest man, as is -not uncommon, be my rival in power, interest, or love, he may possibly -do things that in other circumstances he would abhor; and power, -interest, and love, let me tell you, will often put honesty to the -severest trial, and frequently overpower it. I would then ransack this -honest man to the bottom, if I wished to trust him, and as I found him, -would place my confidence accordingly. - -ONE of the great compositions in our nature is vanity; to which all men, -more or less, give way. Women have an intolerable share of it. No -flattery, no adulation, is too gross for many of them; those who flatter -them most, please them best; and they are most in love with him who -pretends to be most in love with them; and the least slight or contempt -of them is seldom forgotten. It is, in some measure, the same with men; -they will sooner pardon an injury than an insult, and are more hurt by -contempt than by ill usage. Though all men do not boast of superior -talents, though they pretend not to the abilities of a Pope, a Newton, -or a Bolingbroke, every one pretends to have common sense, and to -discharge his office in life with common decency; to arraign, therefore, -in any shape, his abilities or integrity, in the department he holds, is -an insult he will not readily forgive. - -AS I would not have you trust too implicitly to a man, because the world -gives him a good character, so I must particularly caution you against -those who speak well of themselves. In general, suspect those who boast -of or affect to have any one virtue above all others, for they are -commonly impostors. There are exceptions however to this rule; for we -hear of prudes that have been chaste, bullies that have been brave, and -saints that have been religious. Confide only where your own observation -shall direct you; observe not only what is said, but how it is said, and -if you have any penetration, you may find out the truth better by your -eyes than your ears; in short, never take a character upon common -report, but enquire into it yourself; for common report, though it is -right in general, may be wrong in particulars. - -BEWARE of those who, on a slight acquaintance, make you a tender of -their friendship, and seem to place a confidence in you; it is ten to -one but they deceive and betray you; however, do not rudely reject them -upon such a supposition; you may be civil to them, though you do not -entrust them. Silly men are apt to solicit your friendship, and unbosom -themselves upon the first acquaintance; such friends cannot be worth -having, their friendship being as slender as their understanding; and if -they proffer their friendship with a design to make a property of you, -they are dangerous acquaintance indeed. Not but the little friendships -of the weak may be of some use to you, if you do not return the -compliment; and it may not be amiss to seem to accept of those designing -men, keeping them, as it were, in play, that they may not be openly your -enemies; for their enmity is the next dangerous thing to their -friendship. We may certainly hold their vices in abhorrence, without -being marked out as their personal enemy. The general rule is, to have a -real reserve with almost every one, and a seeming reserve with almost no -one; for it is very disgusting to seem reserved, and very dangerous not -to be so. Few observe the true medium. Many are ridiculously mysterious -upon trifles, and many indiscreetly communicative of all they know. - -THERE is a kind of short-lived friendship that takes place among young -men, from a connexion in their pleasures only; a friendship too often -attended with bad consequences. This companion of your pleasures, young -and unexperienced, will probably, in the heat of convivial mirth, vow a -perpetual friendship, and unfold himself to you without the least -reserve; but new associations, change of fortune, or change of place, -may soon break this ill-timed connexion, and an improper use may be made -of it. Be one, if you will, in young companies, and bear your part like -others, in all the social festivity of youth; nay, trust them with your -innocent frolicks, but keep your serious matters to yourself; and if you -must at any time make _them_ known, let it be to some tried friend of -great experience; and that nothing may tempt him to become your rival, -let that friend be in a different walk of life from yourself. - -WERE I to hear a man making strong protestations and swearing to the -truth of a thing, that is in itself probable and very likely to be, I -should doubt his veracity; for when he takes such pains to make me -believe it, it cannot be with a good design. - -THERE is a certain easiness or false modesty in most young people, that -either makes them unwilling, or ashamed to refuse any thing that is -asked of them. There is also an unguarded openness about them, that -makes them the ready prey of the artful and designing. They are easily -led away by the feigned friendships of a knave or a fool, and too rashly -place a confidence in them, that terminates in their loss, and -frequently in their ruin. Beware, therefore, as I said before, of these -proffered friendships; repay them with compliments, but not with -confidence. Never let your vanity make you suppose that people become -your friends upon a slight acquaintance; for good offices must be shewn -on both sides to create a friendship: It will not thrive, unless its -love be mutual; and it requires time to ripen it. - -THERE is still among young people another kind of friendship merely -nominal; warm indeed for the time, but fortunately of no long -continuance. This friendship takes its rise from their pursuing the same -course of riot and debauchery; their purses are open to each other, they -tell one another all they know, they embark in the same quarrels, and -stand by each other on all occasions. I should rather call this a -confederacy against good morals and good manners, and think it deserves -the severest lash of the law; but they have the impudence to call it -friendship. However, it is often as suddenly dissolved as it is hastily -contracted; some accident disperses them, and they presently forget each -other, except it is to betray, and to laugh at their own egregious -folly. - -IN short, the sum of the whole is, to make a wide difference between -companions and friends; for a very agreeable companion has often proved -a very dangerous friend. - - - CHOICE OF COMPANY. - -THE next thing to the choice of friends, is the choice of your company. - -ENDEAVOUR, as much as you can, to keep good company, and the company of -your superiors; for you will be held in estimation according to the -company you keep. By superiors, I do not mean so much with regard to -birth, as merit, and the light in which they are considered by the -world. - -THERE are two sorts of good company, the one consists of persons of -birth, rank, and fashion; the other, of those who are distinguished by -some particular merit, in any liberal art or science, as men of letters, -&c. and a mixture of these is what I would have understood by good -company: For it is not what particular sets of people shall call -themselves, but what the people in general acknowledge to be so, and are -the accredited good company of the place. - -NOW and then, persons without either birth, rank, or character, will -creep into good company, under the protection of some considerable -personage; but, in general, none are admitted of mean degree, or -infamous moral character. - -IN this fashionable good company alone, can you learn the best manners -and the best language; for, as there is no legal standard to form them -by, it is here they are established. - -IT may possibly be questioned, whether a man has it always in his power -to get into good company; undoubtedly, by deserving it, he has, provided -he is in circumstances which enable him to live and appear in the stile -of a gentleman. Knowledge, modesty, and good-breeding, will endear him -to all that see him; for without politeness, the scholar is no better -than a pedant, the philosopher than a cynic, the soldier than a brute, -nor any man than a clown. - -THOUGH the company of men of learning and genius is highly to be valued -and occasionally coveted, I would by no means have you always found in -such company. As they do not live in the world, they cannot have that -easy manner and address, which I would wish you to acquire. If you can -bear a part in such company, it is certainly advisable to be in it -sometimes, and you will be the more esteemed in other company by being -so; but let it not engross you, lest you should be considered as one of -the _literati_, which however respectable in name, is not the way to -rise or shine in the fashionable world. - -BUT the company which, of all others, you should carefully avoid, is -that, which, in every sense of the word may be called _low_; low in -birth, low in rank, low in parts, and low in manners; that company, who, -insignificant and contemptible in themselves, think it an honor to be -seen with _you_, and who will flatter your follies, nay your very vices, -to keep you with them. - -THOUGH _you_ may think such a caution unnecessary, I do not; for many a -young gentleman of sense and rank, has been led by his vanity to keep -such company, till he has been degraded, vilified and undone. - -THE vanity I mean, is that of being the first of the company. This -pride, though too common, is idle to the last degree. Nothing in the -world lets a man down so much. For the sake of dictating, being -applauded and admired by this low company, he is disgraced and -disqualified for better. Depend upon it, in the estimation of mankind, -you will sink or rise to the level of the company you keep. - -BE it, then, your ambition to get into the best company; and, when -there, imitate their virtues, but not their vices. You have, no doubt, -often heard of genteel and fashionable vices. These are whoring, -drinking and gaming. It has happened that some men, even with these -vices, have been admired and esteemed. Understand this matter rightly, -it is not their vices for which they are admired; but for some -accomplishments they at the same time possess; for their parts, their -learning, or their good-breeding. Be assured, were they free from their -vices, they would be much more esteemed. In these mixed characters, the -bad part is overlooked for the sake of the good. - -SHOULD you be unfortunate enough to have any vices of your own, add not -to their number, by adopting the vices of others. Vices of adoption are -of all others the most unpardonable; for they have not inadvertency to -plead. If people had no vices but their own, few would have so many as -they have. - -IMITATE, then, only the perfections you meet with; copy the politeness, -the address, the easy manners of well-bred people; and remember, let -them shine ever so bright, if they have any vices, they are so many -blemishes, which it would be as ridiculous to imitate, as it would, to -make an artificial wart upon one’s face, because some very handsome man -had the misfortune to have a natural one upon his. - - - LAUGHTER. - -LET us now descend to minute matters, which, though not so important as -those we mentioned, are still far from inconsiderable. Of these laughter -is one. - -FREQUENT and loud laughter is a sure sign of a weak mind, and no less -characteristic of a low education. It is the manner in which low-bred -men express their silly joy, at silly things, and they call it being -merry. - -I DO not recommend upon all occasions a solemn countenance. A man may -smile, but if he would be thought a gentleman and a man of sense, he -would by no means laugh. True wit never made a man of fashion laugh; he -is above it. It may create a smile, but as loud laughter shews, that a -man has not the command of himself, every one, who would wish to appear -sensible, must abhor it. - -A MAN’S going to sit down, on a supposition that he has a chair behind -him, and falling for want of one, occasions a general laugh, when the -best pieces of wit would not do it; a sufficient proof how low and -unbecoming laughter is. - -BESIDES, could the immoderate laugher hear his own noise, or see the -faces he makes, he would despise himself for his folly. Laughter being -generally supposed to be the effects of gaiety, its absurdity is not -properly attended to; but a little reflection will easily restrain it; -and when you are told, it is a mark of low-breeding, I persuade myself -you will endeavour to avoid it. - -SOME people have a silly trick of laughing, whenever they speak; so that -they are always on the grin, and their faces ever distorted. This and a -thousand other tricks, such as scratching their heads, twirling their -hats, fumbling with their button, playing with their fingers, &c. &c. -are acquired from a false modesty, at their first outset in life. Being -shame-faced in company, they try a variety of ways to keep themselves in -countenance; thus, they fall into those awkward habits I have mentioned, -which grow upon them, and in time become habitual. - -NOTHING is more repugnant likewise to good-breeding than horse play of -any sort, romping, throwing things at one another’s heads, and so on. -They may pass well enough with the mob, but they lessen and degrade the -gentleman. - - - SUNDRY LITTLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS. - -I HAVE had reason to observe before, that various little matters, -apparently trifling in themselves, conspire to form the _whole_ of -pleasing, as, in a well finished portrait, a variety of colours combine -to compleat the piece. It not being necessary to dwell much upon them, I -shall content myself, with just mentioning them as they occur. - -1. TO do the honors of a table gracefully, is one of the outlines of a -well-bred man; and to carve well, is an article, little as it may seem, -that is useful twice every day, and the doing of which ill, is not only -troublesome to one’s self, but renders us disagreeable and ridiculous to -others. We are always in pain for a man, who instead of cutting up a -fowl genteely, is hacking for half an hour across the bone, greasing -himself, and bespattering the company with the sauce. Use, with a little -attention, is all that is requisite to acquit yourself well in this -particular. - -2. TO be well received, you must, also, pay some attention to your -behaviour at table, where it is exceedingly rude to scratch any part of -your body, to spit, or blow your nose, if you can possibly avoid it, to -eat greedily, to lean your elbows on the table, to pick your teeth -before the dishes are removed, or to leave the table before grace is -said. - -3. DRINKING of healths is now growing out of fashion, and is very -unpolite in good company. Custom had once made it universal, but the -improved manners of the age now render it vulgar. What can be more rude -or ridiculous than to interrupt persons at their meals, with an -unnecessary compliment? Abstain then from this silly custom, where you -find it out of use; and use it only at those tables where it continues -general. - -4. “A POLITE” manner of refusing to comply with the solicitations of a -company, is also very necessary to be learnt; for, a young man, who -seems to have no will of his own, but does every thing that is asked of -him, may be a very good natured fellow, but he is a very silly one. If -you are invited to drink at any man’s house, more than you think is -wholesome, you may say, ‘you wish you could, but that so little makes -you both drunk and sick, that you should only be bad company by doing -it; of course beg to be excused.’ If desired to play at cards deeper -than you would, refuse it ludicrously; tell them, ‘if you were sure to -lose, you might possibly sit down; but that, as fortune may be -favourable, you dread the thought of having too much money, ever since -you found what an incumbrance it was to poor Harlequin, and therefore -you are resolved never to put yourself in the way of winning more than -such or such a sum a day.’ This light way of declining invitations, to -vice and folly, is more becoming a young man than philosophical or -sententious refusals, which would only be laughed at. - -5. NOW I am on the subject of cards, I must not omit mentioning the -necessity of playing them well and genteely, if you would be thought to -have kept good company. I would by no means recommend playing of cards -as a part of your study, lest you should grow too fond of it, and the -consequences prove bad. It were better not to know a diamond from a -club, than to become a gambler; but as custom has introduced innocent -card-playing at most friendly meetings, it marks the gentleman to handle -them genteely, and play them well; and as I hope you will play only for -small sums, should you lose your money, pray lose it with temper; or -win, receive your winnings without either elation or greediness. - -6. TO write well and correct, and in a pleasing stile, is another part -of polite education. Every man who has the use of his eyes and his right -hand, can write whatever hand he pleases. Nothing is so illiberal as a -school-boy’s scrawl. I would not have you learn a stiff formal -hand-writing, like that of a schoolmaster, but a genteel, legible and -liberal hand, and to be able to write quick. As to the correctness and -elegancy of your writing, attention to grammar does the one, and to the -best authors, the other. Epistolary correspondence should not be carried -on in a studied or affected style, but the language should flow from the -pen, as naturally and as easily as it would from the mouth. In short, a -letter should be penned in the same style, as you would talk to your -friend, if he were present. - -7. IF writing well shews the gentleman, much more so does spelling well. -It is essentially necessary for a gentleman, or a man of letters; one -false spelling may fix a ridicule on him for the remainder of his life. -Words in books are generally well spelled, according to the orthography -of the age; reading therefore, with attention, will teach every one to -spell right. It sometimes happens that words are spelled differently by -different authors; but if you spell them upon the authority of one, in -estimation of the public, you will escape ridicule. Where there is but -one way of spelling a word, by your spelling it wrong, you will be sure -to be laughed at. For a _woman_ of a tolerable education would laugh at -and despise her lover, if he wrote to her, and the words were ill -spelled. Be particularly attentive then to your spelling. - -8. THERE is nothing that a young man, at his first appearance in life, -ought more to dread, than having any ridicule fixed on him. In the -estimation even of the most rational men, it will lessen him, but ruin -him with all the rest. Many have been undone by a ridiculous nick-name. -The causes of nick-names among well-bred men, are generally the little -defects in manner, air, or address. To have the appellation of ill-bred, -awkward, muttering, left-legged, or any other, tacked always to your -name, would injure you more than you are aware of. Avoid then these -little defects (and they are easily avoided) and you need never fear a -nick-name. - -9. SOME young men are apt to think, that they cannot be complete -gentlemen, without becoming men of pleasure; and the rake they often -mistake for the man of pleasure. A rake is made up of the meanest and -most disgraceful vices. They all combine to degrade his character, and -ruin his health and fortune. A man of pleasure will refine upon the -enjoyments of the age, attend them with decency, and partake of them -becomingly. Indeed, he is too often less scrupulous than he should be, -and frequently has cause to repent it. A man of pleasure, at best, is -but a dissipated being, and what the rational part of mankind must -abhor; I mention it, however, lest in taking up the man of pleasure, you -should fall into the rake; for of two evils, always chuse the least. A -dissolute, flagitious footman may make as good a rake as a man of the -first quality. Few men can be men of pleasure; every man may be a rake. -There is a certain dignity that should be preserved in all our -pleasures: In love, a man may lose his heart, without losing his nose; -at table, a man may have a distinguishing palate, without being a -glutton; he may love wine, without being a drunkard; he may game, -without being a gambler; and so on. Every virtue has its kindred vice, -and every pleasure its neighbouring disgrace. Temperance and moderation -mark the gentleman; but excess the blackguard. Attend carefully, then, -to the line that divides them; and remember, stop rather a yard short, -than step an inch beyond it. Weigh the present enjoyment of your -pleasures against the necessary consequences of them, and I will leave -you to your own determination. - -10. A GENTLEMAN has ever some regard also to the _choice_ of his -amusements; if at cards, he will not be seen at cribbage, all-fours, or -put; or, in sports of exercise, at skittles, foot-ball, leap-frog, -cricket, driving of coaches, &c. but will preserve a propriety in every -part of his conduct; knowing that any imitation of the manners of the -mob, will unavoidably stamp him with vulgarity. There is another -amusement too, which I cannot help calling illiberal, that is, playing -upon any musical instrument. Music is commonly reckoned one of the -liberal arts, and undoubtedly is so; but to be piping or fiddling at a -concert is degrading to a man of fashion. If you love music, hear it; -pay fiddlers to play to you, but never fiddle yourself. It makes a -gentleman appear frivolous and contemptible, leads him frequently into -bad company, and wastes that time which might otherwise be well -employed. - -11. SECRECY is another characteristic of good-breeding. Be careful never -to tell in one company what you see or hear in another; much less to -divert the present company at the expense of the last. Things apparently -indifferent may, when often repeated and told abroad, have much more -serious consequences than imagined. In conversation, there is generally -a tacit reliance, that what is said will not be repeated; and a man, -though not enjoined to secrecy, will be excluded company, if found to be -a tatler; besides, he will draw himself into a thousand scrapes, and -every one will be afraid to speak before him. - -12. PULLING out your watch in company unasked, either at home or abroad, -is a mark of ill-breeding; if at home, it appears as if you were tired -of your company, and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the hours -dragged heavily, and wished to be gone yourself. If you want to know the -time, withdraw; besides, as the taking what is called French leave was -introduced, that on one person’s leaving the company the rest might not -be disturbed, looking at your watch does what that piece of politeness -was designed to prevent; it is a kind of dictating to all present, and -telling them it is time, or almost time to break up. - -13. AMONG other things, let me caution you against ever being in a -hurry; a man of sense may be in haste, but he is never in a hurry; -convinced that hurry is the surest way to make him do what he undertakes -ill. To be in a hurry is a proof that the business we embark in is too -great for us; of course it is the mark of little minds, that are puzzled -and perplexed, when they should be cool and deliberate; they want to do -every thing at once, and therefore do nothing. Be steady, then, in all -your engagements; look round you, before you begin; and remember that -you had better do half of them well, and leave the rest undone, than to -do the whole indifferently. - -14. FROM a kind of false modesty, most young men are apt to consider -familiarity as unbecoming. Forwardness I allow is so; but there is a -decent familiarity that is necessary in the course of life. Mere formal -visits, upon formal invitations, are not the thing; they create no -connexion, nor will they prove of service to you; it is the careless and -easy ingress and egress, at all hours, that secures an acquaintance to -our interest; and this is acquired by a respectful familiarity entered -into, without forfeiting your consequence. - -15. IN acquiring new acquaintance, be careful not to neglect your old, -for a slight of this kind is seldom forgiven. If you cannot be with your -former acquaintance, so often as you used to be, while you had no -others, take care not to give them cause to think you neglect them; call -upon them frequently, though you cannot stay long with them; tell them -you are sorry to leave them so soon, and nothing should take you away -but certain engagements which good manners oblige you to attend to; for -it will be your interest to make all the friends you can, and as few -enemies as possible. By friends, I would not be understood to mean -confidential ones; but persons who speak of you respectfully, and who, -consistent with their own interest, would wish to be of service to you, -and would rather do you good than harm. - -16. ANOTHER thing I must recommend to you, as characteristic of a polite -education, and of having kept good company, is a graceful manner of -conferring favours. The most obliging things may be done so awkwardly as -to offend, while the most disagreeable things may be done so agreeably -as to please. - -17. A FEW more articles and then I have done; the first is on the -subject of vanity. It is the common failing of youth, and as such ought -to be carefully guarded against. The vanity I mean, is that which, if -given way to, stamps a man a coxcomb, a character he will find a -difficulty to get rid of, perhaps as long as he lives. Now this vanity -shews itself in a variety of shapes; one man shall pride himself in -taking the lead in all conversations, and peremptorily deciding upon -every subject; another, desirous of appearing successful among the -women, shall insinuate the encouragement he has met with, the conquests -he makes, and perhaps boasts of favours he never received; if he speaks -truth, he is ungenerous; if false, he is a villain; but whether true or -false, he defeats his own purposes, overthrows the reputation he wishes -to erect, and draws upon himself contempt in the room of respect. Some -men are vain enough to think they acquire consequence by alliance, or by -an acquaintance with persons of distinguished character or abilities; -hence they are eternally talking of their grand-father, Lord such-a-one; -their kinsman, Sir William such-a-one; or their intimate friend, Dr. -such-a-one, with whom perhaps, they are scarcely acquainted. If they are -ever found out (and that they are sure to be one time or another) they -become ridiculous and contemptible; but even admitting what they say to -be true, what then? A man’s intrinsic merit does not rise from an -ennobled alliance, or a reputable acquaintance. A rich man never -borrows. When angling for praise, modesty is the surest bait. If we -would wish to shine in any particular character, we must never affect -that character. An affectation of courage will make a man pass for a -bully; an affectation of wit, for a coxcomb; and an affectation of -sense, for a fool. Not that I would recommend bashfulness or timidity: -No; I would have every one know his own value, yet not discover that he -knows it, but leave his merit to be found out by others. - -18. ANOTHER thing worth your attention is, if in company with an -inferior, not to let him feel his inferiority; if he discovers it -himself, without your endeavours, the fault is not yours, and he will -not blame you; but if you take pains to mortify him, or to make him feel -himself inferior to you in abilities, fortune, or rank, it is an insult -that will not readily be forgiven. In point of abilities, it would be -unjust, as they are out of his power; in point of rank or fortune, it is -ill-natured and ill-bred. This rule is never more necessary than at -table, where there cannot be a greater insult than to help an inferior -to a part he dislikes, or a part that may be worse than ordinary, and to -take the best to yourself. If you at any time invite an inferior to your -table, you put him, during the time he is there, upon an equality with -you; and it is an act of the highest rudeness to treat him in any -respect, slightingly. I would rather double my attention to such a -person, and treat him with additional respect, lest he should even -suppose himself neglected. There cannot be a greater savageness, or -cruelty, or any thing more degrading to a man of fashion than to put -upon or take unbecoming liberties with him, whose modesty, humility, or -respect, will not suffer him to retaliate. True politeness consists in -making every body happy about you; and as to mortify is to render -unhappy, it can be nothing but the worst of breeding. Make it a rule, -rather to flatter a person’s vanity than otherwise; make him, if -possible, more in love with himself, and you will be certain to gain his -esteem; never tell him any thing he may not like to hear, nor say things -that will put him out of countenance, but let it be your study on all -occasions to please; this will be making friends instead of enemies, and -be a mean of serving yourself in the end. - -19. NEVER be witty, at the expense of any one present, nor gratify that -idle inclination which is too strong in most young men, I mean laughing -at, or ridiculing the weaknesses or infirmities of others, by way of -diverting the company, or displaying your own superiority. Most people -have their weaknesses, their peculiar likings and aversions. Some cannot -bear the sight of a cat; others the smell of cheese, and so on; were you -to laugh at these men for their antipathies, or by design or inattention -to bring them in their way, you could not insult them more. You may -possibly thus gain the laugh on your side, for the present, but it will -make the person, perhaps, at whose expense you are merry, your enemy -forever after; and even those who laugh with you, will on a little -reflection, fear you and probably despise you; whereas, to procure what -_one_ likes, and to remove what the _other_ hates, would shew them that -they were the objects of your attention, and possibly make them more -your friends than much greater services would have done. If you have -wit, use it to please but not to hurt. You may shine, but take care not -to scorch. In short, never seem to see the faults of others. Though -among the mass of men there are, doubtless, numbers of fools and knaves, -yet were we to tell every one we meet with, that we know them to be so, -we should be in perpetual war. I would detest the knave and pity the -fool, wherever I found him, but I would let neither of them know -unnecessarily that I did so; as I would not be industrious to make -myself enemies. As one must please others then, in order to be pleased -one’s self, consider what is agreeable to you, must be agreeable to -them, and conduct yourself accordingly. - -20. WHISPERING in company is another act of ill-breeding: It seems to -insinuate either that the persons who we would not wish should hear, are -unworthy of our confidence, or it may lead them to suppose we are -speaking improperly of them; on both accounts, therefore, abstain from -it. - -21. SO pulling out one letter after another and reading them in company, -or cutting and paring one’s nails, is unpolite and rude. It seems to -say, we are weary of the conversation, and are in want of some amusement -to pass away the time. - -22. HUMMING a tune to ourselves, drumming with our fingers on the table, -making a noise with our feet, and such like, are all breaches of good -manners, and indications of our contempt for the persons present; -therefore they should not be indulged. - -23. WALKING fast in the streets is a mark of vulgarity, implying hurry -of business; it may appear well in a mechanic or tradesman, but suits -ill with the character of a gentleman, or a man of fashion. - -24. STARING at any person you meet full in the face, is an act also of -ill-breeding; it looks as if you saw something wonderful in his -appearance, and is therefore a tacit reprehension. - -25. EATING quick, or very slow at meals, is characteristic of the -vulgar; the first infers poverty, that you have not had a good meal for -some time; the last, if abroad, that you dislike your entertainment; if -at home, that you are rude enough to set before your friends what you -cannot eat yourself. So again, eating your soup with your nose in the -plate is vulgar; it has the appearance of being used to hard work, and -of course an unsteady hand. If it be necessary then to avoid this, it is -much more so that of smelling your meat. - -26. SMELLING to the meat while on the fork, before you put it in your -mouth. I have seen many an ill-bred fellow do this, and have been so -angry, that I could have kicked him from the table. If you dislike what -you have upon your plate, leave it; but on no account, by smelling to, -or examining it, charge your friend with putting unwholesome provisions -before you. - -27. SPITTING on the carpet is a nasty practice, and shocking, in a man -of liberal education. Were this to become general, it would be as -necessary to change the carpets as the table-cloths; besides, it will -lead our acquaintance to suppose, that we have not been used to genteel -furniture; for this reason alone, if for no other, by all means avoid -it. - -28. KEEP yourself free likewise from odd tricks or habits, such as -thrusting out your tongue continually, snapping your fingers, rubbing -your hands, sighing aloud, an affected shivering of your whole body, -gaping with a noise like a country-fellow that has been sleeping in a -hay-loft, or indeed with any noise, and many others, which I have -noticed before; these are imitations of the manners of the mob, and are -degrading to a gentleman. - -A VERY little attention will get the better of all these ill-bred -habits, and be assured, you will find your account in it. - - - EMPLOYMENT OF TIME. - -EMPLOYMENT of time, is a subject, that from its importance, deserves -your best attention. Most young gentlemen have a great deal of time -before them, and one hour well employed, in the early part of life, is -more valuable and will be of greater use to you, than perhaps four and -twenty, some years to come. - -WHATEVER time you can steal from company, and from the study of the -world; (I say company, for a knowledge of life is best learned in -various companies) employ it in serious reading. Take up some valuable -book, and continue the reading of that book, till you have got through -it; never burden your mind with more than one thing at a time: And in -reading this book don’t run over it superficially, but read every -passage twice over, at least do not pass on to a second till you -thoroughly understand the first, nor quit the book till you are master -of the subject; for unless you do this, you may read it through, and not -remember the contents of it for a week. The books I would particularly -recommend, among others, are, _Cardinal Retz’s Maxims_, _Rochfaucault’s -Moral Reflections_, _Bruyere’s Characters_, _Fontenell’s Plurality of -Worlds_, _Sir Josiah Child on Trade_, _Bolingbroke’s Works_; for style, -his _Remarks on the History of England_, under the name of Sir John -Oldcastle; _Puffendorf’s Jus Gentium_, _and Grotius’ de Jure Belli et -Pacis_: The last two are well translated by Barboyrac. For occasional -half-hours or less, read the best works of invention, wit and humour; -but never waste your minutes on trifling authors, either ancient or -modern. - -ANY business you may have to transact, should be done the first -opportunity, and finished, if possible without interruption; for by -deferring it, we may probably finish it too late, or execute it -indifferently. Now, business of any kind should never be done by halves, -but every part of it should be well attended to: For he that does -business ill, had better not do it at all. And, in any point, which -discretion bids you pursue, and which has a manifest utility to -recommend it, let no difficulties deter you; rather let them animate -your industry. If one method fails, try a second and a third. Be active, -persevere and you will certainly conquer. - -NEVER indulge a lazy disposition; there are few things but are attended -with some difficulties, and if you are frightened at those difficulties, -you will not compleat any thing. Indolent minds prefer ignorance to -trouble; they look upon most things as impossible, because perhaps they -are difficult. Even an hour’s attention is too laborious for them, and -they would rather content themselves with the first view of things, than -take the trouble to look any farther into them. Thus, when they come to -talk upon subjects to those who have studied them, they betray an -unpardonable ignorance, and lay themselves open to answers that confuse -them. Be careful then, that you do not get the appellation of indolent; -and, if possible, avoid the character of frivolous. For, - -THE frivolous mind is always busied upon nothing. It mistakes trifling -objects for important ones, and spends that time upon little matters, -that should only be bestowed upon great ones. Knick-knacks, butterflies, -shells, and such like, engross the attention of the frivolous man, and -fill up all his time. He studies the dress and not the characters of -men, and his subjects of conversation are no other than the weather, his -own domestic affairs, his servants, his method of managing his family, -the little anecdotes of the neighbourhood, and the fiddle-faddle stories -of the day; void of information, void of improvement. These he relates -with emphasis, as interesting matters; in short, he is a male gossip, I -appeal to your own feelings now, whether such things do not lessen a -man, in the opinion of his acquaintance, and instead of attracting -esteem, create disgust. - - - DIGNITY OF MANNERS. - -THERE is a certain dignity of manners, without which the very best -characters will not be valued. - -ROMPING, loud and frequent laughing, punning, joking, mimickry, waggery, -and too great and indiscriminate familiarity, will render any one -contemptible, in spite of all his knowledge or his merit. These may -constitute a merry fellow, but a merry fellow was never yet respectable. -Indiscriminate familiarity, will either offend your superiors, or make -you pass for their dependant, or toad-eater, and it will put your -inferiors on a degree of equality with you, that may be troublesome. - -A JOKE, if it carries a sting along with it, is no longer a joke but an -affront; and even if it has no sting, unless its witticism is delicate -and facetious, instead of giving pleasure, it will disgust; or, if the -company _should_ laugh, they will probably laugh at the jester rather -than the jest. - -PUNNING is a mere playing upon words, and far from being a mark of -sense: Thus, were we to say, such a dress is _commodious_, one of these -wags would answer _odious_; or, that, whatever it has been, it is now be -_commodious_. Others will give us an answer different from what we -should expect, without either wit, or the least beauty of thought; as, -‘_Where’s my Lord?_’—‘_In his clothes, unless he is in bed._’—‘_How does -this wine taste?_’—‘_A little moist, I think._’—‘_How is this to be -eaten?_’—‘_With your mouth_;’ and so on, all which (you will readily -apprehend) are low and vulgar. If your witticisms are not instantly -approved by the laugh of the company, for heaven’s sake, don’t attempt -to be witty for the future; for you may take it for granted, the defect -is in yourself, and not in your hearers. - -AS to a mimick or a wag, he is little else than a buffoon, who will -distort his mouth and his eyes to make people laugh. Be assured, no one -person ever demeaned himself to please the rest, unless he wished to be -thought the Merry-Andrew of the company, and whether this character is -respectable, I will leave you to judge. - -IF a man’s company is coveted on any other account than his knowledge, -his good sense, or his manners, he is seldom respected by those who -invite him, but made use of only to entertain. ‘Let’s have such-a-one, -for he sings a good song, or he is always joking or laughing;’ or ‘Let’s -send for such-a-one, for he is a good bottle companion;’ these are -degrading distinctions, that preclude all respect and esteem. Whoever is -had (as the phrase is) for the sake of any qualification singly, is -merely that thing he is had for, is never considered in any other light, -and, of course, never properly respected, let his intrinsic merits be -what they will. - -YOU may possibly suppose this dignity of manners to border upon pride; -but it differs as much from pride, as true courage from blustering. - -TO flatter a person right or wrong, is abject flattery, and to consent -readily to do every thing proposed by a company, be it silly or -criminal, is full as degrading, as to dispute warmly upon every subject, -and to contradict upon all occasions. To preserve dignity, we should -modestly assert our own sentiments, though we politely acquiesce in -those of others. - -SO again, to support dignity of character, we should neither be -frivolously curious about trifles, nor be laboriously intent upon little -objects that deserve not a moment’s attention; for this implies an -incapacity in matters of greater importance. - -A GREAT deal likewise depends upon our air, address and expressions; an -awkward address and vulgar expressions infer either a low turn of mind, -or low education. - -INSOLENT contempt, or low envy, is incompatible also with dignity of -manners. Low-bred persons, fortunately lifted in the world in fine -clothes and fine equipages, will insolently look down on all those who -cannot afford to make as good an appearance, and they openly envy those -who perhaps make a better. They also dread the being slighted; of -course, are suspicious and captious; are uneasy themselves, and make -every body else so about them. - -A CERTAIN degree of outward seriousness in looks and actions gives -dignity, while a constant smirk upon the face (that insipid silly smile, -which fools have when they would be civil) and whiffling motions, are -strong marks of futility. - -BUT above all a dignity of character is to be acquired best by a certain -firmness in all our actions. A mean, timid and passive complaisance, -lets a man down more than he is aware of; but still his firmness and -resolution should not extend to brutality, but be accompanied with a -peculiar and engaging softness, or mildness. - -IF you discover any hastiness in your temper, and find it apt to break -out into rough and unguarded expressions, watch it narrowly, and -endeavour to curb it; but let no complaisance, no weak desire of -pleasing, no wheedling, urge you to do that which discretion forbids; -but persist and persevere in all that is right. In your connexions and -friendships, you will find this rule of use to you. Invite and preserve -attachments by your firmness; but labour to keep clear of enemies by a -mildness of behaviour. Disarm those enemies you may unfortunately have -(and few are without them) by a gentleness of manner, but make them feel -the steadiness of your just resentment! For there is a wide difference -between bearing malice and a determined self-defence; the one is -imperious, but the other is prudent and justifiable. - -IN directing your servants, or any person you have a right to command; -if you deliver your orders mildly, and in that engaging manner which -every gentleman should study to do, you would be cheerfully, and -consequently, well obeyed; but if tyrannically, you would be very -unwillingly served, if served at all. A cool, steady determination -should shew that you will be obeyed, but a gentleness in the manner of -enforcing that obedience should make your service a cheerful one. Thus -will you be loved without being despised, and feared without being -hated. - -I HOPE I need not mention vices. A man who has patiently been kicked out -of company, may have as good a pretence to courage, as one rendered -infamous by his vices, may to dignity of any kind; however, of such -consequence are appearances, that an outward decency and an affected -dignity of manners will even keep such a man the longer from sinking. If -therefore you should unfortunately have no intrinsic merit of your own, -keep up, if possible, the appearance of it; and the world will possibly -give you credit for the rest. A versatility of manners is as necessary -in social life, as a versatility of parts in political. This is no way -blamable, if not used with an ill design. We must, like the cameleon, -often put on the hue of persons we wish to be well with; and it surely -can never be blamable, to endeavour to gain the good will or affection -of any one, if when obtained, we do not mean to abuse it. - - - RULES FOR CONVERSATION. - -HAVING now given you full and sufficient instructions for making you -well received in the best companies; nothing remains but that I lay -before you some few rules for your conduct in such company. Many things -on this subject I have mentioned before, but some few matters remain to -be mentioned now. - -1. TALK, then, frequently but not long together, lest you tire the -persons you are speaking to; for few persons talk so well upon a -subject, as to keep up the attention of their hearers for any length of -time. - -2. AVOID telling stories in company, unless they are very short indeed, -and very applicable to the subject you are upon; in this case relate -them in as few words as possible, without the least digression, and with -some apology; as that you hate the telling of stories, but the shortness -of it induced you. And, if your story has any wit in it, be particularly -careful not to laugh at it yourself. Nothing is more tiresome and -disagreeable than a long tedious narrative; it betrays a gossiping -disposition, and great want of imagination; and nothing is more -ridiculous than to express an approbation of your own story, by a laugh. - -3. IN relating any thing, keep clear of repetitions, or very hackneyed -expressions, such as, _says he_, or _says she_. Some people will use -these so often, as to take off the hearer’s attention from the story; -as, in an organ out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole time -we are playing, and confuse the piece, so as not to be understood. - -4. DIGRESSIONS, likewise, should be guarded against. A story is always -more agreeable without them. Of this kind are, ‘_the gentleman I am -telling you of, is the son of Sir Thomas,—who lives in Harley street; -you must know him—his brother had a horse that won the sweep stakes at -the last Newmarket meeting—Zounds! if you don’t know him you know -nothing._’ Or, ‘_He was an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his own -long hair: don’t you recollect him?_’ All this is unnecessary; is very -tiresome and provoking, and would be an excuse for a man’s behaviour, if -he was to leave us in the midst of our narrative. - -5. SOME people have a trick of holding the persons they are speaking to -by the button, or the hand, in order to be heard out; conscious, I -suppose, that their tale is tiresome. Pray, never do this; if the person -you speak to is not as willing to hear your story, as you are to tell -it, you had much better break off in the middle; for if you tire them -once, they will be afraid to listen to you a second time. - -6. OTHERS have a way of punching the person they are talking to, in the -side, and at the end of every sentence, asking him some such questions -as the following: ‘Wasn’t I right in that?’—‘You know, I told you -so?’—‘What’s your opinion?’ and the like; or perhaps they will be -thrusting him, or jogging him with their elbow. For mercy’s sake, never -give way to this; it will make your company dreaded. - -7. LONG talkers are frequently apt to single out some unfortunate man -present, generally the most silent one of the company, or probably him -who sits next to him. To this man, in a kind of half-whisper they will -run on for half an hour together. Nothing can be more ill-bred. But if -one of these unmerciful talkers should attack you, if you wish to oblige -him, I would recommend the hearing him with patience: Seem to do so at -least, for you could not hurt him more than to leave him in the middle -of his story, or discover any impatience in the course of it. - -8. INCESSANT talkers are very disagreeable companions. Nothing can be -more rude than to engross the conversation to yourself, or to take the -words as it were, out of another man’s mouth. Every man in company has -an equal claim to bear his part in the conversation, and to deprive him -of it, is not only unjust, but a tacit declaration that he cannot speak -so well upon the subject as yourself; you will therefore take it up: -And, what can be more rude? I would as soon forgive a man that should -stop my mouth when I was gaping, as take my words from me while I was -speaking them. Now, if this be unpardonable, it cannot be less so - -9. TO help out or forestal the slow speaker, as if you alone were rich -in expressions, and he were poor. You may take it for granted, every one -is vain enough to think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny -it; helping a person therefore out in his expressions, is a correction -that will stamp the corrector with impudence and ill manners. - -10. THOSE who contradict others upon all occasions, and make every -assertion a matter of dispute, betray by this behaviour an -unacquaintance with good-breeding. He therefore who wishes to appear -amiable, with those he converses with, will be cautious of such -expressions as these, ‘That can’t be true, Sir.’ ‘The affair is as I -say.’ ‘That must be false, Sir.’ ‘If what you say is true, &c.’ You may -as well tell a man he lies at once, as thus indirectly impeach his -veracity. It is equally as rude to be proving every trifling assertion -with a bet or a wager. ‘I’ll bet you fifty of it, and so on.’ Make it -then a constant rule, in matters of no great importance, complaisantly -to submit your opinion to that of others; for a victory of this kind -often costs a man the loss of a friend. - -11. GIVING advice unasked, is another piece of rudeness; it is, in -effect, declaring ourselves wiser than those to whom we give it; -reproaching them with ignorance and inexperience. It is a freedom that -ought not to be taken with any common acquaintance, and yet there are -those, who will be offended, if their advice is not taken. ‘Such-a-one,’ -say they, ‘is above being advised.’ ‘He scorns to listen to my advice;’ -as if it were not a mark of greater arrogance to expect every one to -submit to their opinion, than for a man sometimes to follow his own. - -12. THERE is nothing so unpardonably rude as a seeming inattention to -the person who is speaking to you; though you may meet with it in -others, by all means, avoid it yourself. Some ill-bred people, while -others are speaking to them, will, instead of looking at, or attending -to them, perhaps fix their eyes on the ceiling, or some picture in the -room, look out of a window, play with a dog, their watch chain, or their -cane, or probably pick their nails or their noses. Nothing betrays a -more trifling mind than this; nor can any thing be a greater affront to -the person speaking; it being a tacit declaration, that what he is -saying is not worth your attention. Consider with yourself how you would -like such treatment, and, I am persuaded you will never shew it to -others. - -13. SURLINESS or moroseness is incompatible also with politeness. Such -as, should any one say ‘he was desired to present Mr. Such-a-one’s -respects to you,’ to reply, ‘What the devil have I to do with his -respects?’ ‘My Lord enquired after you lately, and asked how you did,’ -to answer, ‘If he wishes to know, let him come and feel my pulse;’ and -the like. A good deal of this often is affected; but whether affected or -natural, it is always offensive. A man of this stamp will occasionally -be laughed at, as an oddity; but in the end will be despised. - -14. I SHOULD suppose it unnecessary to advise you to adapt your -conversation to the company you are in. You would not surely start the -same subject, and discourse of it in the same manner with the old and -with the young, with an officer, a clergyman, a philosopher, and a -woman. No; your good sense will undoubtedly teach you to be serious with -the serious, gay with the gay, and to trifle with the triflers. - -15. THERE are certain expressions which are exceedingly rude, and yet -there are people of liberal education that sometimes use them; as ‘You -don’t understand me, Sir,’ ‘It is not so.’ ‘You mistake.’ ‘You know -nothing of the matter, &c.’ Is it not better to say? ‘I believe, I do -not express myself so as to be understood.’ ‘Let us consider it again, -whether we take it right or not.’ It is much more polite and amiable to -make some excuse for another, even in cases where he might justly be -blamed, and to represent the mistake as common to both, rather than -charge him with insensibility or incomprehension. - -16. IF anyone should have promised you any thing, and not have fulfilled -that promise, it would be very unpolite to tell him, he has forfeited -his word; or if the same person should have disappointed you, upon any -occasion, would it not be better to say, ‘You were probably so much -engaged, that you forgot my affair;’ or, ‘Perhaps it slipped your -memory;’ rather than, ‘You thought no more about it,’ or ‘you pay very -little regard to your word.’ For, expressions of this kind leave a sting -behind them. They are a kind of provocation and affront, and very often -bring on lasting quarrels. - -17. BE careful not to appear dark and mysterious, lest you should be -thought suspicious; than which there cannot be a more unamiable -character. If you appear mysterious and reserved, others will be truly -so with you; and in this case there is an end to improvement, for you -will gather no information. Be reserved, but never seem so. - -18. THERE is a fault extremely common with some people, which I would -have _you_ to avoid. When their opinion is asked, upon any subject, they -will give it with so apparent a diffidence and timidity, that one -cannot, without the utmost pain, listen to them; especially if they are -known to be men of universal knowledge. ‘Your Lordship will pardon me,’ -says one of this stamp, ‘if I should not be able to speak to the case in -hand, so well as it might be wished.’—‘I’ll venture to speak of this -matter to the best of my poor abilities and dulness of apprehension.’—‘I -fear I shall expose myself, but in obedience to your Lordship’s -commands’—and while they are making these apologies, they interrupt the -business and tire the company. - -19. ALWAYS look people in the face, when you speak to them, otherwise -you will be thought conscious of some guilt, besides, you lose the -opportunity of reading their countenances, from which you will much -better learn the impression your discourse makes upon them than you can -possibly do from their words; for words are at the will of every one, -but the countenance is frequently involuntary. - -20. IF in speaking to a person, you are not heard, and should be desired -to repeat what you said, do not raise your voice in the repetition, lest -you should be thought angry, on being obliged to repeat what you said -before; it was probably owing to the hearer’s inattention. - -21. ONE word only, as to swearing. Those who addict themselves to it, -and interlard their discourse with oaths, can never be considered as -gentlemen; they are generally people of low education, and are unwelcome -in what is called good company. It is a vice that has no temptation to -plead, but is, in every respect, as vulgar as it is wicked. - -22. NEVER accustom yourself to scandal, nor listen to it; for though it -may gratify the malevolence of some people, nine times out of ten, it is -attended with great disadvantages. The very persons you tell it to, -will, on reflection, entertain a mean opinion of you, and it will often -bring you into very disagreeable situations. And as there would be no -evil speakers, if there were no evil hearers, it is in scandal as in -robbery; the receiver is as bad as the thief. Besides, it will lead -people to shun your company, supposing that you will speak ill of them -to the next acquaintance you meet. - -23. MIMICKRY, the favourite amusement of little minds, has been ever the -contempt of great ones. Never give way to it yourself, nor ever -encourage it in others; it is the most illiberal of all buffoonery; it -is an insult on the person you mimick; and insults, I have often told -you, are seldom forgiven. - -24. CAREFULLY avoid talking either of your own or other people’s -domestic concerns. By doing the one, you will be thought vain; by -entering into the other, you will be considered as officious. Talking of -yourself is an impertinence to the company; your affairs are nothing to -them; besides they cannot be kept too secret. And as to the affairs of -others, what are they to you? In talking of matters that no way concern -you, you are liable to commit blunders, and should you touch any one in -a sore part, you may possibly lose his esteem. Let your conversation, -then, in mixed companies, always be general. - -25. JOKES, bon-mots, or the little pleasantries of one company, will not -often bear to be told in another; they are frequently local, and take -their rise from certain circumstances, a second company may not be -acquainted with; these circumstances, and of course your story, may be -misunderstood, or want explaining; and if after you have prefaced it -with,—‘I will tell you a good thing;’—the sting should not be -immediately perceived, you will appear exceedingly ridiculous, and wish -you had not told it. Never then without caution repeat in one place, -what you hear in another. - -26. IN most debates, take up the favourable side of the question; -however, let me caution you against being clamorous, that is, never -maintain an argument with heat, though you know yourself right; but -offer your sentiments modestly and coolly, and if this does not prevail, -give it up, and try to change the subject by saying something to this -effect—‘I find we shall hardly convince one another, neither is there -any necessity to attempt it; so let us talk of something else.’ - -27. NOT that I would have you give up your opinion always; no, assert -your own sentiments, and oppose those of others, when wrong; but let -your manner and voice be gentle and engaging, and yet no ways affected. -If you contradict, do it with, ‘I may be wrong, I won’t be positive, but -I really think—I should rather suppose—If I may be permitted to say,’ -and close your dispute with good humour, to shew that you are neither -displeased yourself nor meant to displease the person you dispute with. - -28. ACQUAINT yourself with the character and situations of the company -you go into, before you give a loose to your tongue; for, should you -enlarge on some virtue, which any one present may notoriously want; or -should you condemn some vice, which any of the company may be -particularly addicted to, they will be apt to think your reflections -pointed and personal, and you will be sure to give offence. This -consideration will naturally lead you, not to suppose things said in -general, to be leveled at you. - -29. LOW-BRED people, when they happen occasionally to be in good -company, imagine themselves to be the subject of every separate -conversation. If any part of the company whisper, it is about them; if -they laugh, it is at them; and if any thing is said which they do not -comprehend, they immediately suppose it is meant of them. This mistake -is admirably ridiculed in one of our celebrated comedies, ‘I am sure,’ -says Scrub, ‘they were talking of me, for they laughed consumedly.’ Now, -a well-bred person never thinks himself disesteemed by the company, or -laughed at, unless their reflections are so gross, that he cannot be -supposed to mistake them, and his honour obliges him to resent it in a -proper manner; however, be assured, gentlemen never laugh at, or -ridicule one another, unless they are in joke, or on a footing of the -greatest intimacy. If such a thing should happen once in an age, from -some pert coxcomb, or some flippant woman, it is better to seem not to -know it, than to make the least reply. - -30. IT is a piece of politeness not to interrupt a person in a story, -whether you have heard it before or not. Nay, if a well-bred man is -asked whether he has heard it; he will answer no, and let the person go -on, though he knows it already. Some are fond of telling a story, -because they think they tell it well, others pride themselves in being -the first teller of it, and others are pleased at being thought -entrusted with it. Now, all these persons you would disappoint by -answering yes. And, as I have told you before, as the greatest proof of -politeness is to make every body happy about you, I would never deprive -a person of any secret satisfaction of this sort, in which I could -gratify him by a minute’s attention. - -31. BE not ashamed of asking questions, if such questions lead to -information; always accompany them with some excuse, and you never will -be reckoned impertinent. But abrupt questions, without some apology, by -all means avoid, as they imply design. There is a way of fishing for -facts, which, if done judiciously, will answer every purpose, such as, -taking things you wish to know for granted; this will perhaps lead some -officious person to set you right. So again, by saying, you have heard -so and so, and sometimes seeming to know more than you do, you will -often get at information, which you would lose by direct questions, as -these would put people on their guard, and frequently defeat the very -end you aim at. - -32. MAKE it a rule never to reflect on any body of people, for, -reflections of this nature create many enemies. There are good and bad -of all professions; lawyers, soldiers, parsons, or citizens. They are -all men, subject to the same passions, differing only in their manner, -according to the way they have been bred up in. For this reason, it is -unjust, as well as indiscreet, to attack them as a CORPS collectively. -Many a young man has thought himself extremely clever in abusing the -clergy. What are the clergy more than other men? Can you suppose a black -gown can make any alteration in his nature? Fie, fie; think seriously, -and I am convinced you will never do it. - -33. BUT above all, let no example, no fashion, no witticism, no foolish -desire of rising above what knaves call prejudices, tempt you to excuse, -extenuate or ridicule the least breach of morality; but upon every -occasion, shew the greatest abhorrence of such proceedings, and hold -virtue and religion in the highest veneration. - -34. IT is a great piece of ill-manners to interrupt any one while -speaking, by speaking yourself, or calling off the attention of the -company to any foreign matter. But this every child knows. - -35. THE last thing I shall mention is that of concealing your learning, -except on particular occasions. Reserve this for learned men, and let -them rather extort it from you, than you be too willing to display it. -Hence you will be thought modest, and to have more knowledge than you -really have. Never seem wise or more learned than the company you are -in. He who affects to shew his learning, will be frequently questioned; -and if found superficial, will be sneered at; if otherwise, he will be -deemed a pedant. Real merit will always shew itself, and nothing can -lessen it in the opinion of the world, but a man’s exhibiting it -himself. - -FOR God’s sake, revolve all these things seriously in your mind, before -you go abroad into life. Recollect the observations you have yourself -occasionally made upon men and things, compare them with my -instructions, and act wisely, and consequently, as they shall teach you. - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - A - FATHER’S LEGACY - TO - HIS DAUGHTERS. - - -MY DEAR GIRLS, - -YOU had the misfortune to be deprived of your mother, at a time of life -when you were insensible of your loss, and could receive little benefit, -either from her instruction, or her example. Before this comes to your -hands, you will likewise have lost your father. - -I HAVE had many melancholy reflections on the forlorn and helpless -situation you must be in, if it should please God to remove me from you -before you arrive at that period of life, when you will be able to think -and act for yourselves. I know mankind too well. I know their falsehood, -their dissipation, their coldness to all the duties of friendship and -humanity. I know the little attention paid to helpless infancy. You will -meet with few friends disinterested enough to do you good offices, when -you are incapable of making them any return, by contributing to their -interest or their pleasure, or to the gratification of their vanity. - -I HAVE been supported under the gloom naturally arising from these -reflections, by a reliance on the goodness of that Providence which has -hitherto preferred you, and given me the most pleasing prospect of the -goodness of your dispositions; and by the secret hope, that your -mother’s virtues will entail a blessing on her children. - -THE anxiety I have for your happiness has made me resolve to throw -together my sentiments, relating to your future conduct in life. If I -live for some years, you will receive them with much greater advantage, -suited to your different geniuses and dispositions. If I die sooner, you -must receive them in this very imperfect manner,—the last proof of my -affection. - -YOU will all remember your father’s fondness, when perhaps every other -circumstance relating to him is forgotten. This remembrance, I hope, -will induce you to give a serious attention to the advices I am now -going to leave with you.—I can request this attention with the greater -confidence, as my sentiments on the most interesting points that regard -life and manners, were entirely correspondent to your mother’s, whose -judgment and taste I trusted much more than my own. - -YOU must expect that the advice which I shall give you will be very -imperfect, as there are many nameless delicacies, in female manners, of -which none but a woman can judge. - -YOU will have one advantage by attending to what I am going to leave -with you; you will hear, at least for once in your lives, the genuine -sentiments of a man, who has no interest in flattering or deceiving -you.—I shall throw my reflections together without any studied order, -and shall only, to avoid confusion range them under a few general heads. - -YOU will see, in a little treatise of mine just published, in what an -honourable point of view I have considered your sex; not as domestic -drudges, or the slaves of our pleasures, but as our companions and -equals; as designed to soften our hearts and polish our manners; and as -Thomson finely says, - - _To raise the virtues, animate the bliss, - And sweeten all the toils of human life._ - -I shall not repeat what I have there said on this subject, and shall -only observe, that from the view I have given of your natural character -and place in society, there arises a certain propriety of conduct -peculiar to your sex. It is this peculiar propriety of female manners of -which I intend to give you my sentiments, without touching on those -general rules of conduct by which men and women are equally bound. - -WHILE I explain to you that system of conduct which I think will tend -most to your honour and happiness, I shall, at the same time, endeavour -to point out those virtues and accomplishment which render you most -respectable and most amiable in the eyes of my own sex. - - - RELIGION. - -THOUGH the duties of religion, strictly speaking, are equally binding on -both sexes, yet certain differences in their natural character and -education, render some vices in your sex particularly odious. The -natural hardiness of our hearts, and strength of our passions, inflamed -by the uncontrouled license we are too often indulged with in our youth, -are apt to render our manners more dissolute, and make us less -susceptible of the finer feelings of the heart. Your superior delicacy, -your modesty, and the usual severity of your education, preserve you, in -a great measure, from any temptation to those vices to which we are most -subjected. The natural softness and sensibility of your dispositions -particularly fit you for the practice of those duties where the heart is -chiefly concerned. And this, along with the natural warmth of your -imaginations, renders you peculiarly susceptible of the feelings of -devotion. - -THERE are many circumstances in your situation that peculiarly require -the supports of religion to enable you to act in them with spirit and -propriety. Your whole life is often a life of suffering. You cannot -plunge into business, or dissipate yourselves in pleasure and riot, as -men too often do, when under the pressure of misfortunes. You must bear -your sorrows in silence, unknown and unpitied. You must often put on a -face of serenity and cheerfulness, when your hearts are torn with -anguish, or sinking in despair. Then your only resource is in the -consolations of religion. It is chiefly owing to these that you bear -domestic misfortunes better than we do. - -BUT you are sometimes in very different circumstances, that equally -require the restraints of religion. The natural vivacity, and perhaps -the natural vanity of your sex, are very apt to lead you into a -dissipated state of life, that deceives you, under the appearance of -innocent pleasure; but which in reality wastes your spirits, impairs -your health, weakens all the superior faculties of your minds, and often -sullies your reputations. Religion by checking this dissipation and rage -for pleasure, enables you to draw more happiness, even from those very -sources of amusement, which when too frequently applied to, are often -productive of satiety and disgust. - -RELIGION is rather a matter of sentiment than reasoning. The important -and interesting articles of faith are sufficiently plain. Fix your -attention on these, and do not meddle with controversy. If you get into -that, you plunge into a chaos, from which you will never be able to -extricate yourselves. It spoils the temper, and, I suspect, has no good -effect on the heart. - -AVOID all books, and all conversation, that tend to shake your faith on -those great points of religion which should serve to regulate your -conduct, and on which your hopes of future and eternal happiness depend. - -NEVER indulge yourselves in ridicule on religious subjects; nor give -countenance to it in others, by seeming diverted with what they say. -This, to people of good-breeding, will be a sufficient check. - -I WISH you to go no farther than the Scriptures for your religious -opinions. Embrace those you find clearly revealed. Never perplex -yourselves about such as you do not understand, but treat them with -silent and becoming reverence.—I would advise you to read only such -religious books as are addressed to the heart; such as inspire pious and -devout affections, such as are proper to direct you in your conduct, and -not such as tend to entangle you in the endless maze of opinions and -systems. - -BE punctual in the stated performance of your private devotions morning -and evening. If you have any sensibility or imagination, this will -establish such an intercourse between you and the Supreme Being, as will -be of infinite consequence to you in life. It will communicate an -habitual cheerfulness to your tempers; give a firmness and steadiness to -your virtue, and enable you to go through all the vicissitudes of human -life with propriety and dignity. - -I WISH you to be regular in your attendance on public worship, and in -receiving the communion. Allow nothing to interrupt your public or -private devotions, except the performance of some active duty in life, -to which they should always give place.—In your behaviour at public -worship, observe an exemplary attention and gravity. - -THAT extreme strictness which I recommend to you in these duties, will -be considered by many of your acquaintance as a superstitious attachment -to forms; but in the advice I give you on this and other subjects, I -have an eye to the spirit and manners of the age. There is a levity and -dissipation in the present manners, a coldness and listlessness in -whatever relates to religion, which cannot fail to infect you, unless -you purposely cultivate in your minds a contrary bias, and make the -devotional taste habitual. - -AVOID all grimace and ostentation in your religious duties. They are the -usual cloaks of hypocrisy; at least they shew a weak and vain mind. - -DO not make religion a subject of common conversation in mixed -companies. When it is introduced, rather seem to decline it. At the same -time, never suffer any person to insult you by any foolish ribaldry on -your religious opinions, but shew the same resentment you would -naturally do on being offered any other personal insult. But the surest -way to avoid this, is by a modest reserve on the subject, and by using -no freedom with others about their religious sentiments. - -CULTIVATE an enlarged charity for all mankind, however they may differ -from you in their religious opinions. That difference may probably arise -from causes in which you had no share, and from which you can derive no -merit. - -SHEW your regard to religion, by a distinguishing respect to all its -ministers, of whatever persuasion, who do not by their lives dishonour -their profession; but never allow them the direction of your consciences -lest they taint you with the narrow spirit of their party. - -THE best effect of your religion will be a diffusive humanity to all in -distress.—Set apart a certain proportion of your income as sacred to -charitable purposes. But in this, as well as in the practice of every -other duty, carefully avoid ostentation. Vanity is always defeating her -own purposes. Fame is one of the natural rewards of virtue. Do not -pursue her, and she will follow you. - -DO not confine your charity to giving money. You may have many -opportunities of shewing a tender and compassionate spirit where your -money is not wanted.—There is a false and unnatural refinement in -sensibility, which makes some people shun the sight of every object in -distress. Never indulge this, especially where your friends or -acquaintances are concerned. Let the days of their misfortunes, when the -world forgets or avoids them, be the season for you to exercise your -humanity and friendship. The sight of human misery softens the heart, -and makes it better; it checks the pride of health and prosperity, and -the distress it occasions is amply compensated by the consciousness of -doing your duty, and by the secret endearments which nature has annexed -to all our sympathetic sorrows. - -WOMEN are greatly deceived, when they think they recommend themselves to -our sex by their indifference about religion. Even those men who are -themselves unbelievers dislike infidelity in you. Every man who knows -human nature, connects a religious taste in your sex with softness and -sensibility of heart; at least we always consider the want of it as a -proof of that hard and masculine spirit, which of all your faults we -dislike the most. Besides, men consider your religion as one of their -principal securities for that female virtue in which they are most -interested. If a gentleman pretends an attachment to any of you, and -endeavours to shake your religious principles, be assured he is either a -fool, or has designs on you which he dares not openly avow. - -YOU will probably wonder at my having educated you in a church different -from my own. The reason was plainly this: I looked on the differences -between our churches to be of no real importance, and that a preference -of one to the other was a mere matter of taste. Your mother was educated -in the church of England, and had an attachment to it, and I had a -prejudice in favour of every thing she liked. It never was her desire -that you should be baptized by a clergyman of the church of England, or -be educated in that church. On the contrary, the delicacy of her regard -to the smallest circumstance that could affect me in the eye of the -world, made her anxiously insist it might be otherwise. But I could not -yield to her in that kind of generality.—When I lost her, I became still -more determined to educate you in that church, as I feel a secret -pleasure in doing every thing that appears to me to express my affection -and veneration for her memory.—I draw but a very faint and imperfect -picture of what your mother was, while I endeavour to point out what you -should be.[2] - -Footnote 2: - - The reader will remember, that such observations as respect equally - both the sexes are all along as much as possible avoided. - - - CONDUCT AND BEHAVIOUR. - -ONE of the chiefest beauties in a female character is that modest -reserve, that retiring delicacy, which avoids the public eye, and is -disconcerted even at the gaze of admiration.—I do not wish you to be -insensible to applause. If you were, you must become, if not worse, at -least less amiable women. But you may be dazzled by that admiration, -which yet rejoices your hearts. - -WHEN a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most powerful charm of -beauty. That extreme sensibility which it indicates, may be a weakness -and incumbrance in our sex, as I have too often felt; but in yours it is -peculiarly engaging. Pedants, who think themselves philosophers, ask why -a woman should blush when she is conscious of no crime. It is a -sufficient answer, that Nature has made you to blush when you are guilty -of no fault, and has forced us to love you because you do so.—Blushing -is so far from being necessarily an attendant on guilt, that it is the -usual companion of innocence. - -THIS modesty, which I think so essential in your sex, will naturally -dispose you to be rather silent in company, especially in a large -one.—People of sense and discernment will never mistake such silence for -dulness. One may take a share in conversation without uttering a -syllable. The expression in the countenance shews it, and this never -escapes an observing eye. - -I SHOULD be glad that you had an easy dignity in your behaviour at -public places, but not that confident ease, that unabashed countenance, -which seems to set the company at defiance.—If, while a gentleman is -speaking to you, one of superior rank addresses you, do not let your -eager attention and visible preference betray the flutter of your heart. -Let your pride on this occasion preserve you from that meanness into -which your vanity would sink you. Consider that you expose yourselves to -the ridicule of the company, and affront one gentleman only to swell the -triumph of another, who perhaps thinks he does you honour in speaking to -you. - -CONVERSE with men even of the first rank with that dignified modesty, -which may prevent the approach of the most distant familiarity, and -consequently prevent them from feeling themselves your superiors. - -WIT is the most dangerous talent you can possess. It must be guarded -with great discretion and good-nature, otherwise it will create you many -enemies. It is perfectly consistent with softness and delicacy; yet they -are seldom found united. Wit is so flattering to vanity, that those who -possess it become intoxicated, and lose all self-command. - -HUMOUR is a different quality. It will make your company much solicited; -but be cautious how you indulge it.—It is often a great enemy to -delicacy, and a still greater one to dignity of character. It may -sometimes gain you applause, but will never procure you respect. - -BE even cautious in displaying your good sense. It will be thought you -assume a superiority over the rest of the company. But if you happen to -have any learning, keep it a profound secret, especially from the men, -who generally look with a jealous and malignant eye on a woman of great -parts, and a cultivated understanding. - -A MAN of real genius and candour is far superior to this meanness. But -such a one will seldom fall in your way; and if by accident he should, -do not be anxious to shew the full extent of your knowledge. If he has -any opportunities of seeing you, he will soon discover it himself; and -if you have any advantages of person or manner, and keep your own -secret, he will probably give you credit for a great deal more than you -possess.—The great art of pleasing in conversation consists in making -the company pleased with themselves. You will more readily hear than -talk yourselves into their good graces. - -BEWARE of detraction, especially where your own sex are concerned. You -are generally accused of being particularly addicted to this vice; I -think unjustly.—Men are fully as guilty of it when their interests -interfere. As your interests more frequently clash, and as your feelings -are quicker than ours, your temptations to it are more frequent. For -this reason, be particularly tender of the reputation of your own sex, -especially when they happen to rival you in our regards. We look on this -as the strongest proof of dignity and true greatness of mind. - -SHEW a compassionate sympathy to unfortunate women, especially to those -who are rendered so by the villany of men. Indulge a secret pleasure, I -may say pride, in being the friends and refuge of the unhappy, but -without the vanity of shewing it. - -CONSIDER every species of indelicacy in conversation, as shameful in -itself, and as highly disgusting to us. All double entendre is of this -sort.—The dissoluteness of men’s education allows them to be diverted -with a kind of wit, which yet they have delicacy enough to be shocked -at, when it comes from your mouths, or even when you hear it without -pain and contempt. Virgin purity is of that delicate nature, that it -cannot hear certain things without contamination. It is always in your -power to avoid these. No man, but a brute or a fool, will insult a woman -with conversation which he sees gives her pain; nor will he dare to do -it, if she resent the injury with a becoming spirit.—There is a dignity -in conscious virtue which is able to awe the most shameless and -abandoned of men. - -YOU will be reproached perhaps with prudery. By prudery is usually meant -an affectation of delicacy. Now I do not wish you to affect delicacy; I -wish you to possess it. At any rate, it is better to run the risk of -being thought ridiculous than disgusting. - -THE men will complain of your reserve. They will assure you, that a -franker behaviour would make you more amiable. But trust me, they are -not sincere when they tell you so.—I acknowledge, that on some occasions -it might render you more agreeable as companions, but it would make you -less amiable as women; an important distinction which many of your sex -are not aware of.—After all, I wish you to have great ease and openness -in your conversation. I only point out some considerations which ought -to regulate your behaviour in that respect. - -HAVE a sacred regard to truth. Lying is a mean and despicable vice.—I -have known some women of excellent parts, who were so much addicted to -it, that they could not be trusted in the relation of any story, -especially if it contained any thing of the marvellous, or if they -themselves were the heroines of the tale. This weakness did not proceed -from a bad heart, but was merely the effect of vanity, or an unbridled -imagination.—I do not mean to censure that lively embellishment of a -humorous story, which is only intended to promote innocent mirth. - -THERE is a certain gentleness of spirit and manners extremely engaging -in your sex; not that indiscriminate attention, that unmeaning simper, -which smiles on all alike. This arises, either from an affectation of -softness, or from perfect insipidity. - -THERE is a species of refinement in luxury, just beginning to prevail -among the gentlemen of this country, to which our ladies are yet as -great strangers as any women upon earth; I hope, for the honour of the -sex, they may ever continue so: I mean, the luxury of eating. It is a -despicable selfish vice in men, but in your sex it is beyond expression -indelicate and disgusting. - -EVERY one who remembers a few years back, is sensible of a very striking -change in the attention and respect formerly paid by the gentlemen to -the ladies. Their drawing-rooms are deserted; and after dinner and -supper, the gentlemen are impatient till they retire. How they came to -lose this respect, which nature and politeness so well intitle them to, -I shall not here particularly inquire. The revolutions of manners in any -country depend on causes very various and complicated. I shall only -observe, that the behaviour of the ladies in the last age was very -reserved and stately. It would now be reckoned ridiculously stiff and -formal. Whatever it was, it had certainly the effect of making them more -respected. - -A FINE woman, like other fine things in nature, has her proper point of -view, from which she may be seen to most advantage. To fix this point -requires great judgment, and an intimate knowledge of the human heart. -By the present mode of female manners, the ladies seem to expect that -they shall regain their ascendancy over us, by the fullest display of -their personal charms, by being always in our eye at public places, by -conversing with us with the same unreserved freedom as we do with one -another; in short, by resembling us as nearly as they possibly can.—But -a little time and experience will shew the folly of this expectation and -conduct. - -THE power of a fine woman over the hearts of men, men of the finest -parts, is even beyond what she conceives. They are sensible of the -pleasing illusion, but they cannot, nor do they wish to dissolve it. But -if she is determined to dispel the charm, it certainly is in her power: -she may soon reduce the angel to a very ordinary girl. - -THERE is a native dignity, an ingenuous modesty to be expected in your -sex, which is your natural protection from the familiarities of the men, -and which you should feel previous to the reflection that it is your -interest to keep yourselves sacred from all personal freedoms. The many -nameless charms and endearments of beauty should be reserved to bless -the arms of the happy man to whom you give your heart, but who, if he -has the least delicacy, will despise them, if he knows that they have -been prostituted to fifty men before him.—The sentiment, that a woman -may allow all innocent freedoms, provided her virtue is secure, is both -grossly indelicate and dangerous, and has proved fatal to many of your -sex. - -LET me now recommend to your attention that elegance, which is not so -much a quality itself, as the high polish of every other. It is what -diffuses an ineffable grace over every look, every motion, every -sentence you utter. It gives that charm to beauty without which it -generally fails to please. It is partly a personal quality, in which -respect it is the gift of nature; but I speak of it principally as a -quality of the mind. In a word, it is the perfection of taste in life -and manners;—every virtue and every excellence, in their most graceful -and amiable forms. - -YOU may perhaps think that I want to throw every spark of nature out of -your composition, and to make you entirely artificial. Far from it. I -wish you to possess the most perfect simplicity of heart and manners. I -think you may possess dignity without pride, affability without -meanness, and simple elegance without affectation. Milton had my idea, -when he says of Eve, - -_Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her eye, In every gesture dignity -and love._ - - - AMUSEMENTS. - -EVERY period of life has amusements which are natural and proper to it. -You may indulge the variety of your tastes in these, while you keep -within the bounds of that propriety which is suitable to your sex. - -SOME amusements are conducive to health, as various kinds of exercise: -some are connected with qualities really useful, as different kinds of -women’s work, and all the domestic concerns of a family: some are -elegant accomplishments, as dress, dancing, music, and drawing. Such -books as improve your understanding, enlarge your knowledge, and -cultivate your taste, may be considered in a higher point of view than -mere amusements. There are a variety of others, which are neither useful -nor ornamental, such as play of different kinds. - -I WOULD particularly recommend to you those exercises that oblige you to -be much abroad in the open air, such as walking, and riding on horse -back. This will give vigour to your constitutions, and a bloom to your -complexions. If you accustom yourselves to go abroad always in chairs -and carriages, you will soon become so enervated, as to be unable to go -out of doors without them. They are like most articles of luxury, useful -and agreeable when judiciously used; but when made habitual, they become -both insipid and pernicious. - -AN attention to your health is a duty you owe to yourselves and to your -friends. Bad health seldom fails to have an influence on the spirits and -temper. The finest geniuses, the most delicate minds, have very -frequently a correspondent delicacy of bodily constitutions, which they -are too apt to neglect. Their luxury lies in reading and late hours, -equal enemies to health and beauty. - -BUT though good health be one of the greatest blessings of life, never -make a boast of it, but enjoy it in grateful silence. We so naturally -associate the idea of female softness and delicacy with a correspondent -delicacy of constitution, that when a woman speaks of her great -strength, her extraordinary appetite, her ability to bear excessive -fatigue, we recoil at the description in a way she is little aware of. - -THE intention of your being taught needlework, knitting, and such like, -is not on account of the intrinsic value of all you can do with your -hands, which is trifling, but to enable you to judge more perfectly of -that kind of work, and to direct the execution of it in others. Another -principal end is to enable you to fill up, in a tolerably agreeable way, -some of the many solitary hours you must necessarily pass at home. It is -a great article in the happiness of life, to have your pleasures as -independent of others as possible. By continually gadding abroad in -search of amusement, you lose the respect of all your acquaintances, -whom you oppress with those visits, which, by a more discreet -management, might have been courted. - -THE domestic economy of a family is entirely a woman’s province, and -furnishes a variety of subjects for the exertion both of good sense and -good taste. If you ever come to have the charge of a family, it ought to -engage much of your time and attention; nor can you be excused from this -by any extent of fortune, though with a narrow one the ruin that follows -the neglect of it may be more immediate. - -I AM at the greatest loss what to advise you in regard to books. There -is no impropriety in your reading history, or cultivating any art or -science to which genius or accident leads you. The whole volume of -Nature lies open to your eye, and furnishes an infinite variety of -entertainment. If I was sure that nature had given you such strong -principles of taste and sentiment as would remain with you, and -influence your future conduct, with the utmost pleasure would I -endeavour to direct your reading in such a way as might form that taste -to the utmost perfection of truth and elegance. “But when I reflect how -easy it is to warm a girl’s imagination, and how difficult deeply and -permanently to affect her heart; how readily she enters into every -refinement of sentiment, and how easily she can sacrifice them to vanity -or convenience;” I think I may very probably do you an injury by -artificially creating a taste, which, if Nature never gave it you, would -only serve to embarrass your future conduct.—I do not want to _make_ you -any thing: I want to know what Nature has made you, and to perfect you -on her plan. I do not wish you to have sentiments that might perplex -you: I wish you to have sentiments that may uniformly and steadily guide -you, and such as your hearts so thoroughly approve, that you would not -forego them for any consideration this world could offer. - -DRESS is an important article in female life. The love of dress is -natural to you, and therefore it is proper and reasonable. Good sense -will regulate your expence in it, and good taste will direct you to -dress in such a way as to conceal any blemishes, and set off your -beauties, if you have any, to the greatest advantage. But much delicacy -and judgement are required in the application of this rule. A fine woman -shews her charms to most advantage, when she seems most to conceal them. -The finest bosom in nature is not so fine as what imagination forms. The -most perfect elegance of dress appears always the most easy, and the -least studied. - -DO not confine your attention to dress to your public appearances. -Accustom yourselves to an habitual neatness, so that in the most -careless undress, in your unguarded hours, you may have no reason to be -ashamed of your appearance.—You will not easily believe how much we -consider your dress as expressive of your characters. Vanity, levity, -slovenliness, folly, appear through it. An elegant simplicity is an -equal proof of taste and delicacy. - -IN dancing, the principal points you are to attend to are ease and -grace. I would have you to dance with spirit; but never allow yourselves -to be so far transported with mirth, as to forget the delicacy of your -sex.—Many a girl dancing in the gaiety and innocence of her heart, is -thought to discover a spirit she little dreams of. - -I KNOW no entertainment that gives such pleasure to any person of -sentiment or humour, as the theatre. But I am sorry to say, there are -few English comedies a lady can see, without a shock to delicacy. You -will not readily suspect the comments gentlemen make on your behaviour -on such occasions. Men are often best acquainted with the most worthless -of your sex, and from them too readily form their judgment of the rest. -A virtuous girl often hears very indelicate things with a countenance no -wise embarrassed, because in truth she does not understand them. Yet -this is, most ungenerously, ascribed to that command of features, and -that ready presence of mind, which you are thought to possess in a -degree far beyond us; or, by still more malignant observers, it is -ascribed to hardened effrontery. - -SOMETIMES a girl laughs with all the simplicity of unsuspecting -innocence, for no other reason but being infected with other people’s -laughing: she is then believed to know more than she should do.—If she -does happen to understand an improper thing, she suffers a very -complicated distress: she feels her modesty hurt in the most sensible -manner, and at the same time is ashamed of appearing conscious of the -injury. The only way to avoid these inconveniencies, is never to go to a -play that is particularly offensive to delicacy.—Tragedy subjects you to -no such distress.—Its sorrows will soften and ennoble your hearts. - -I NEED say little about gaming, the ladies in this country being as yet -almost strangers to it. It is a ruinous and incurable vice; and as it -leads to all the selfish and turbulent passions, is peculiarly odious in -your sex. I have no objection to your playing a little at any kind of -game, as a variety in your amusements, provided that what you can -possibly lose is such a trifle as can neither interest nor hurt you. - -IN this, as well as in all important points of conduct, shew a -determined resolution and steadiness. This is not in the least -inconsistent with that softness and gentleness so amiable in your sex. -On the contrary, it gives that spirit to a mild and sweet disposition, -without which it is apt to degenerate into insipidity. It makes you -respectable in your own eyes, and dignifies you in ours. - - - FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE. - -THE luxury and dissipation that prevail in genteel life, as they corrupt -the heart in many respects, so they render it incapable of warm, -sincere, and steady friendship. A happy choice of friends will be of the -utmost consequence to you, as they may assist you by their advice and -good offices. But the immediate gratification which friendship affords -to a warm, open and ingenuous heart, is of itself a sufficient motive to -court it. - -IN the choice of your friends, have principal regard to goodness of -heart and fidelity. If they also possess taste and genius, that will -still make them more agreeable and useful companions. You have -particular reason to place confidence in those who have shewn affection -for you in your early days, when you were incapable of making them any -return. This is an obligation for which you cannot be too grateful: When -you read this, you will naturally think of your mother’s friend, to whom -you owe so much. - -IF you have the good fortune to meet with any who deserve the name of -friends, unbosom yourself to them with the most unsuspicious confidence. -It is one of the world’s maxims, never to trust any person with a -secret, the discovery of which could give you any pain; but it is the -maxim of a little mind and a cold heart, unless where it is the effect -of frequent disappointments and bad usage. An open temper, if restrained -but by tolerable prudence, will make you, on the whole, much happier -than a reserved suspicious one, although you may sometimes suffer by it. -Coldness and distrust are but the too certain consequences of age and -experience; but they are unpleasant feelings, and need not be -anticipated before their time. - -BUT however open you may be in talking of your own affairs, never -disclose the secrets of one friend to another. These are sacred -deposites, which do not belong to you, nor have you any right to make -use of them. - -THERE is another case, in which I suspect it is proper to be secret, not -so much from motives of prudence, as delicacy. I mean in love matters. -Though a woman has no reason to be ashamed of an attachment to a man of -merit, yet nature, whose authority is superior to philosophy, has -annexed a sense of shame to it. It is even long before a woman of -delicacy dares avow to her own heart that she loves; and when all the -subterfuges of ingenuity to conceal it from herself fail, she feels a -violence done both to her pride and to her modesty. This, I should -imagine, must always be the case where she is not sure of a return to -her attachment. - -IN such a situation, to lay the heart open to any person whatever, does -not appear to me consistent with the perfection of female delicacy. But -perhaps I am in the wrong.—At the same time I must tell you, that, in -point of prudence, it concerns you to attend well to the consequences of -such a discovery. These secrets, however important in your own -estimation, may appear very trifling to your friend, who possibly will -not enter into your feelings, but may rather consider them as a subject -of pleasantry. For this reason, love-secrets are of all others the worst -kept. But the consequences to you may be very serious, as no man of -spirit and delicacy ever valued a heart much hackneyed in the ways of -love. - -IF, therefore, you must have a friend to pour out your heart to, be sure -of her honour and secrecy. Let her not be a married woman, especially if -she lives happily with her husband, There are certain unguarded moments, -in which such a woman, though the best and worthiest of her sex, may let -hints escape, which at other times, or to any other person than her -husband, she would be incapable of; nor will a husband in this case feel -himself under the same obligation of secrecy and honour, as if you had -put your confidence originally in himself, especially on a subject which -the world is apt to treat so lightly. - -IF all other circumstances are equal, there are obvious advantages in -your making friends of one another. The ties of blood, and your being so -much united in one common interest, form an additional bond of union to -your friendship. If your brothers should have the good fortune to have -hearts susceptible of friendship, to possess truth, honour, sense, and -delicacy of sentiment, they are the fittest and most unexceptionable -confidants. By placing confidence in them, you will receive every -advantage which you could hope for from the friendship of men, without -any of the inconveniencies that attend such connexions with our sex. - -BEWARE of making confidants of your servants. Dignity not properly -understood very readily degenerates into pride, which enters into no -friendships, because it cannot bear an equal, and is so fond of flattery -as to grasp at it even from servants and dependants. The most intimate -confidants, therefore, of proud people are valets-de-chamber and waiting -women. Shew the utmost humanity to your servants; make their situation -as comfortable to them as is possible: but if you make them your -confidants, you spoil them, and debase yourselves. - -NEVER allow any person, under the pretended sanction of friendship, to -be so familiar as to lose a proper respect for you. Never allow them to -tease you on any subject that is disagreeable, or where you have once -taken your resolution. Many will tell you, that this reserve is -inconsistent with the freedom which friendship allows. But a certain -respect is as necessary in friendship as in love. Without it, you may be -liked as a child, but you will never be beloved as an equal. - -THE temper and dispositions of the heart in your sex make you enter more -readily and warmly into friendships than men. Your natural propensity to -it is so strong, that you often run into intimacies which you soon have -sufficient cause to repent of; and this makes your friendships so very -fluctuating. - -ANOTHER great obstacle to the sincerity as well as steadiness of your -friendships is the great clashing of your interests in the pursuits of -love, ambition, or vanity. For these reasons, it should appear at first -view more eligible for you to contract your friendships with the men. -Among other obvious advantages of an easy intercourse between the two -sexes, it occasions an emulation and exertion in each to excel and be -agreeable: hence their respective excellencies are mutually communicated -and blended.—As their interests in no degree interfere, there can be no -foundation for jealousy or suspicion of rivalship. The friendship of a -man for a woman is always blended with a tenderness, which he never -feels for one of his own sex, even where love is in no degree concerned. -Besides we are conscious of a natural title you have to our protection -and good offices, and therefore we feel an additional obligation of -honour to serve you, and to observe an inviolable secrecy, whenever you -confide in us. - -BUT apply these observations with great caution. Thousands of women of -the best hearts and finest parts have been ruined by men who approached -them under the specious name of friendship. But supposing a man to have -the most undoubted honour, yet his friendship to a woman is so near -a-kin to love, that if she be very agreeable in her person, she will -probably very soon find a lover, where she only wished to meet a friend. -Let me here, however, warn you against that weakness so common among -vain women, the imagination that every man who takes particular notice -of you is a lover. Nothing can expose you more to ridicule, than the -taking up a man on the suspicion of being your lover, who perhaps never -once thought of you in that view, and giving yourselves those airs so -common among silly women on such occasions. - -THERE is a kind of unmeaning gallantry much practised by some men, -which, if you have any discernment, you will find really harmless. Men -of this sort will attend you to public places, and be useful to you by a -number of little observances, which those of a superior class do not so -well understand, or have not leisure to regard, or perhaps are too proud -to submit to. Look on the compliments of such men as words of course, -which they repeat to every agreeable woman of their acquaintance. There -is a familiarity they are apt to assume, which a proper dignity in your -behaviour will be easily able to check. - -THERE is a different species of men whom you may like as agreeable -companions, men of worth, taste and genius, whose conversation, in some -respects, may be superior to what you generally meet with among your own -sex. It will be foolish in you to deprive yourselves of an useful and -agreeable acquaintance, merely because idle people say he is your lover. -Such a man may like your company, without having any design on your -person. - -PEOPLE whose sentiments, and particularly whose tastes correspond, -naturally like to associate together, although neither of them have the -most distant view of any further connexion. But as this similarity of -minds often gives rise to a more tender attachment than friendship, it -will be prudent to keep a watchful eye over yourselves, lest your hearts -become too far engaged before you are aware of it. At the same time, I -do not think that your sex, at least in this part of the world, have -much of that sensibility which disposes to such attachments. What is -commonly called love among you is rather gratitude, and a partiality to -the man who prefers you to the rest of your sex; and such a man you -often marry, with little of either personal esteem or affection. Indeed, -without an unusual share of natural sensibility, and very peculiar good -fortune, a woman in this country has very little probability of marrying -for love. - -IT is a maxim laid down among you, and a very prudent one it is. That -love is not to begin on your part, but is entirely to be the consequence -of our attachment to you. Now, supposing a woman to have sense and -taste, she will not find many men to whom she can possibly be supposed -to bear any considerable share of esteem. Among these few, it is a very -great chance if any of them distinguishes her particularly. Love, at -least with us, is exceedingly capricious, and will not always fix where -reason says it should. But supposing one of them should become -particularly attached to her, it is still extremely improbable that he -should be the man in the world her heart most approved of. - -AS, therefore, Nature has not given you that unlimited range in your -choice which we enjoy, she has wisely and benevolently assigned to you a -greater flexibility of taste on this subject. Some agreeable qualities -recommend a gentleman to your common good liking and friendship. In the -course of his acquaintance, he contracts an attachment to you. When you -perceive it, it excites your gratitude; this gratitude rises into a -preference, and this preference perhaps at last advances to some degree -of attachment, especially if it meets with crosses and difficulties, for -these, and a state of suspense, are very great incitements to -attachment, and are the food of love in both sexes. If attachment was -not excited in your sex in this manner, there is not one of a million of -you that could ever marry with any degree of love. - -A MAN of taste and delicacy marries a woman because he loves her more -than any other. A woman of equal taste and delicacy marries him because -she esteems him, and because he gives her that preference. But if a man -unfortunately becomes attached to a woman whose heart is secretly -pre-engaged, his attachment, instead of obtaining a suitable return, is -particularly offensive; and if he persists to teaze her, he makes -himself equally the object of her scorn and aversion. - -THE effects of love among men are diversified by their different -tempers. An artful man may counterfeit every one of them so as easily to -impose on a young girl of an open, generous, and feeling heart, if she -is not extremely on her guard. The finest parts in such a girl may not -always prove sufficient for her security. The dark and crooked paths of -cunning are unsearchable, and inconceivable to an honourable and -elevated mind. - -THE following, I apprehend, are the most genuine effects of an -honourable passion among the men, and the most difficult to counterfeit. -A man of delicacy often betrays his passion by his too great anxiety to -conceal it, especially if he has little hopes of success. True love, in -all its stages, seeks concealment, and never expects success. It renders -a man not only respectful, but timid to the highest degree in his -behaviour to the woman he loves. To conceal the awe he stands in of her, -he may sometimes affect pleasantry, but it sits aukwardly on him, and he -quickly relapses into seriousness, if not into dulness. He magnifies all -her real perfections in his imagination, and is either blind to her -failings, or converts them into beauties. Like a person conscious of -guilt, he is jealous that every eye observes him; and to avoid this, he -shuns all the little observances of common gallantry. - -HIS heart and his character will be improved in every respect by his -attachment. His manners will become more gentle, and his conversation -more agreeable; but diffidence and embarrassment will always make him -appear to disadvantage in the company of his mistress. If the -fascination continue long, it will totally depress his spirit, and -extinguish every active, vigorous and manly principle of his mind. You -will find this subject beautifully and pathetically painted in Thomson’s -Spring. - -WHEN you observe in a gentleman’s behaviour these marks which I have -described above, reflect seriously what you are to do. If his attachment -is agreeable to you, I leave you to do as nature, good sense, and -delicacy shall direct you. If you love him let me advise you never to -discover to him the full extent of your love, no not although you marry -him. That sufficiently shews your preference, which is all he is -entitled to know. If he has delicacy, he will ask for no stronger proof -of your affection for your sake; if he has sense, he will not ask it for -his own. This is an unpleasant truth, but it is my duty to let you know -it; violent love cannot subsist, at least cannot be expressed, for any -time together, on both sides; otherwise the certain consequence, however -concealed, is satiety and disgust. Nature in this case has laid the -reserve on you. - -IF you see evident proofs of a gentleman’s attachment, and are -determined to shut your heart against him, as you ever hope to be used -with generosity by the person who shall engage your own heart, treat him -honourably and humanely. Do not let him linger in a miserable suspense, -but be anxious to let him know your sentiments with regard to him. - -HOWEVER people’s hearts may deceive them, there is scarcely a person -that can love for any time without at least some distant hope of -success. If you really wish to undeceive a lover, you may do it in a -variety of ways. There is a certain species of easy familiarity in your -behaviour, which may satisfy him, if he has any discernment left, that -he has nothing to hope for. But perhaps your particular temper may not -admit of this.—You may easily shew that you want to avoid his company; -but if he is a man whose friendship you wish to preserve, you may not -chuse this method, because then you lose him in every capacity.—You may -get a common friend to explain matters to him, or fall on many other -devices, if you are seriously anxious to put him out of suspense. - -BUT if you are resolved against every such method, at least do not shun -opportunities of letting him explain himself. If you do this, you act -barbarously and unjustly. If he brings you to an explanation, give him a -polite, but resolute and decisive answer. In whatever way you convey -your sentiments to him, if he is a man of spirit and delicacy, he will -give you no further trouble, nor apply to your friends for their -intercession. This last is a method of courtship which every man of -spirit will disdain.—He will never whine nor sue for your pity. That -would mortify him almost as much as your scorn. In short, you may -possibly break such a heart, but you cannot bend it.—Great pride always -accompanies delicacy, however concealed under the appearance of the -utmost gentleness and modesty, and is the passion of all others the most -difficult to conquer. - -THERE is a case where a woman may coquette justifiably to the utmost -verge which her conscience will allow. It is where a gentleman purposely -declines to make his addresses, till such time as he thinks himself -perfectly sure of her consent. This at bottom is intended to force a -woman to give up the undoubted privilege of her sex, the privilege of -her refusing; it is intended to force her to explain herself, in effect, -before the gentleman deigns to do it, and by this mean to oblige her to -violate the modesty and delicacy of her sex, and to invert the clearest -order of nature. All this sacrifice is proposed to be made merely to -gratify a most despicable vanity in a man who would degrade the very -woman whom he wishes to make his wife. - -IT is of great importance to distinguish, whether a gentleman who has -the appearance of being your lover delays to speak explicitly, from the -motive I have mentioned, or from a diffidence inseparable from true -attachment. In the one case, you can scarcely use him too ill: in the -other, you ought to use him with great kindness: and the greatest -kindness you can shew him, if you are determined not to listen to his -addresses, is to let him know it as soon as possible. - -I KNOW the many excuses with which women endeavour to justify themselves -to the world, and to their own consciences, when they act otherwise. -Sometimes they plead ignorance, or at least uncertainty, of the -gentleman’s real sentiments. That may sometimes be the case. Sometimes -they plead the decorums of their sex, which enjoin an equal behaviour to -all men, and forbid them to consider any man as a lover, till he has -directly told them so.—Perhaps few women carry their ideas of female -delicacy and decorum so far as I do. But I must say, you are not -entitled to plead the obligation of these virtues, in opposition to the -superior ones of gratitude, justice, and humanity. The man is entitled -to all these, who prefers you to the rest of your sex, and perhaps whose -greatest weakness is this very preference. The truth of the matter is, -vanity, and the love of admiration, are so prevailing passions among -you, that you may be considered to make a very great sacrifice whenever -you give up a lover, till every art of coquetry fails to keep him, or -till he forces you to an explanation. You can be fond of the love, when -you are indifferent to, or even when you despise the lover. - -BUT the deepest and most artful coquetry is employed by women of -superior taste and sense, to engage and fix the heart of a man whom the -world and whom they themselves esteem, although they are firmly -determined never to marry him. But his conversation amuses them, and his -attachment is the highest gratification to their vanity; nay, they can -sometimes be gratified with the utter ruin of his fortune, fame, and -happiness.—God forbid I should ever think so of all your sex. I know -many of them have principles, have generosity and dignity of soul that -elevates them above the worthless vanity I have been speaking of. - -SUCH a woman, I am persuaded, may always convert a lover, if she cannot -give him her affections, into a warm and steady friend, provided he is a -man of sense, resolution, and candour. If she explains herself to him -with a generous openness and freedom, he must feel the stroke as a man; -but he will likewise bear it as a man: what he suffers he will suffer in -silence. Every sentiment of esteem will remain; but love though it -requires very little food, and is easily surfeited with too much, yet it -requires some. He will view her in the light of a married woman; and -though passion subsides, yet a man of a candid and generous heart always -retains a tenderness for a woman he has once loved, and who has used him -well, beyond what he feels for any other of her sex. - -IF he has not confided his own secret to any body, he has an undoubted -title to ask you not to divulge it. If a woman chuses to trust any of -her companions with her own unfortunate attachments, she may, as it is -her own affair alone: but if she has any generosity or gratitude, she -will not betray a secret which does not belong to her. - -MALE coquetry is much more inexcusable than female, as well as more -pernicious; but it is rare in this country. Very few men will give -themselves the trouble to gain or retain any woman’s affections, unless -they have views on her either of an honourable or dishonourable kind. -Men employed in the pursuits of business, ambition, or pleasure, will -not give themselves the trouble to engage a woman’s affections merely -from the vanity of conquest, and of triumphing over the heart of an -innocent and defenceless girl. Besides, people never value much what is -entirely in their power. A man of parts, sentiment, and address, if he -lays aside all regard to truth and humanity, may engage the hearts of -fifty women at the same time, and may likewise conduct his coquetry with -so much art, as to put it out of the power of any of them to specify a -single expression that could be said to be directly expressive of love. - -THIS ambiguity of behaviour, this art of keeping one in suspense, is the -great secret of coquetry in both sexes. It is the more cruel in us, -because we can carry it what length we please, and continue it as long -as we please, without your being so much as at liberty to complain or -expostulate; whereas we can break our chain, and force you to explain, -whenever we become impatient of our situation. - -I HAVE insisted the more particularly on this subject of courtship, -because it may most readily happen to you at that early period of life -when you can have little experience or knowledge of the world, when your -passions are warm, and your judgments not arrived at such full maturity -as to be able to correct them.—I wish you to possess such high -principles of honour and generosity as will render you incapable of -deceiving, and at the same time to possess that acute discernment which -may secure you against being deceived. - -A WOMAN, in this country, may easily prevent the first impressions of -love, and every motive of prudence and delicacy should make her guard -her heart against them, till such time as she has received the most -convincing proof of the attachment of a man of such merit, as will -justify a reciprocal regard. Your hearts indeed may be shut inflexibly -and permanently against all the merit a man can possess. That may be -your misfortune, but cannot be your fault. In such a situation, you -would be equally unjust to yourself and your lover, if you gave him your -hand when your heart revolted against him. But miserable will be your -fate, if you allow an attachment to steal on you before you are sure of -a return; or, what is infinitely worse, where there are wanting those -qualities which alone can ensure happiness in a married state. - -I KNOW nothing that renders a woman more despicable, than her thinking -it essential to happiness to be married. Besides the gross indelicacy of -the sentiment, it is a false one, as thousands of women have -experienced. But if it was true, the belief that it is so, and the -consequent impatience to be married, is the most effectual way to -prevent it. - -YOU must not think from this, that I do not wish you to marry. On the -contrary, I am of opinion, that you may attain a superior degree of -happiness in a married state, to what you can possibly find in any -other. I know the forlorn and unprotected situation of an old maid, the -chagrin and peevishness which are apt to infect their tempers, and the -great difficulty of making a transition with dignity and chearfulness -from the period of youth, beauty, admiration, and respect, into the -calm, silent, unnoticed retreat of declining years. - -I SEE some unmarried women of active, vigorous minds, and great vivacity -of spirits, degrading themselves; sometimes by entering into a -dissipated course of life, unsuitable to their years, and exposing -themselves to the ridicule of girls, who might have been their -grand-children; sometimes by oppressing their acquaintances by -impertinent intrusions into their private affairs; and sometimes by -being the propagators of scandal and defamation. All this is owing to an -exuberant activity of spirit, which if it had found employment at home, -would have rendered them respectable and useful members of society. - -I SEE other women in the same situation, gentle, modest, blessed with -sense, taste, delicacy, and every milder feminine virtue of the heart, -but of weak spirits, bashful and timid: I see such women sinking into -obscurity and insignificance, and gradually losing every elegant -accomplishment; for this evident reason, that they are not united to a -partner who has sense, and worth, and taste, to know their value; one -who is able to draw forth their concealed qualities, and shew them to -advantage; who can give that support to their feeble spirits which they -stand so much in need of; and who, by his affection and tenderness, -might make such a woman happy in exerting every talent, and -accomplishing herself in every elegant art that could contribute to his -amusement. - -IN short, I am of opinion, that a married state, if entered into from -proper motives of esteem and affection, will be the happiest for -yourselves, and make you most respectable in the eyes of the world, and -the most useful members of society. But I confess I am not enough of a -patriot to wish you to marry for the good of the public. I wish you to -marry for no other reason but to make yourselves happier. When I am so -particular in my advices about your conduct, I own my heart beats with -the fond hope of making you worthy the attachment of men who will -deserve you, and be sensible of your merit. But heaven forbid you should -ever relinquish the ease and independence of a single life, to become -the slaves of a fool, or a tyrant’s caprice. - -AS these have been always my sentiments, I shall do you but justice, -when I leave you in such independent circumstances as may lay you under -no temptation to do from necessity what you would never do from -choice.—This will likewise save you from that cruel mortification to a -woman of spirit, the suspicion that a gentleman thinks he does you an -honour or a favour when he asks you for his wife. - -IF I live till you arrive at that age when you shall be capable to judge -for yourselves, and do not strangely alter my sentiments, I shall act -towards you in a very different manner from what most parents do. My -opinion has always been, that when that period arrives, the parental -authority ceases. - -I HOPE I shall always treat you with that affection and easy confidence -which may dispose you to look on me as your friend. In that capacity -alone I shall think myself entitled to give you my opinion; in the doing -of which, I should think myself highly criminal, if I did not to the -utmost of my power endeavour to divest myself of all personal vanity, -and all prejudices in favour of my particular taste. If you did not -chuse to follow my advice, I should not on that account cease to love -you as my children.—Though my right to your obedience was expired, yet I -should think nothing could release me from the ties of nature and -humanity. - -YOU may perhaps imagine, that the reserved behaviour which I recommend -to you, and your appearing seldom at public places, must cut off all -opportunities of your being acquainted with gentlemen. I am very far -from intending this. I advise you to no reserve, but what will render -you more respected and beloved by our sex. I do not think public places -suited to make people acquainted together. They can only be -distinguished there by their looks and external behaviour. But it is in -private companies alone where you can expect easy and agreeable -conversation, which I should never wish you to decline. If you do not -allow gentlemen to become acquainted with you, you can never expect to -marry with attachment on either side.—Love is very seldom produced at -first sight; at least it must have, in that case, a very unjustifiable -foundation. True love is founded on esteem, in a correspondence of -tastes and sentiments, and steals on the heart imperceptibly. - -THERE is one advice I shall leave you, to which I beg your particular -attention: Before your affections come to be in the least engaged to any -man, examine your tempers, your tastes, and your hearts, very severely, -and settle in your own minds, what are the requisites to your happiness -in a married state; and as it is almost impossible that you should get -every thing you wish, come to a steady determination what you are to -consider as essential, and what may be sacrificed. - -IF you have hearts disposed by nature for love and friendship, and -possess those feelings which enable you to enter into all the -refinements and delicacies of these attachments, consider well, for -heaven’s sake, and as you value your future happiness, before you give -them any indulgence. If you have the misfortune (for a very great -misfortune it commonly is to your sex) to have such a temper and such -sentiments deeply rooted in you, if you have spirit and resolution to -resist the solicitations of vanity, the persecution of friends (for you -will have lost the only friend that would never persecute you) and can -support the prospect of the many inconveniencies attending the state of -an old maid, which I formerly pointed out, then you may indulge -yourselves in that kind of sentimental reading and conversation which is -most correspondent to your feelings. - -BUT if you find, on a strict self-examination, that marriage is -absolutely essential to your happiness, keep the secret inviolable in -your own bosoms, for the reason I formerly mentioned; but shun as you -would do the most fatal poison, all that species of reading and -conversation which warms the imagination, which engages and softens the -heart, and raises the taste above the level of common life. If you do -otherwise, consider the terrible conflict of passions this may -afterwards raise in your breasts. - -IF this refinement once takes deep root in your minds, and you do not -obey its dictates, but marry from vulgar and mercenary views, you may -never be able to eradicate it entirely, and then it will imbitter all -your married days. Instead of meeting with sense, delicacy, tenderness, -a lover, a friend, an equal companion, in a husband, you may be tired -with insipidity and dullness; shocked with indelicacy, or mortified by -indifference. You will find none to compassionate, or even understand -your sufferings; for your husbands may not use you cruelly, and may give -you as much money for your clothes, personal expense, and domestic -necessaries, as is suitable to their fortunes. The world therefore would -look on you as unreasonable women, and that did not deserve to be happy, -if you were not so.—To avoid these complicated evils, if you are -determined at all events to marry, I would advise you to make all your -reading and amusements of such a kind, as do not affect the heart nor -the imagination, except in the way of wit or humour. - -I HAVE no view by these advices to lead your tastes; I only want to -persuade you of the necessity of knowing your own minds, which, though -seemingly very easy, is what your sex seldom attain on many important -occasions in life, but particularly on this of which I am speaking. -There is not a quality I more anxiously wish you to possess, than that -collected decisive spirit which rests on itself, which enables you to -see where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with the most -determined resolution. In matters of business, follow the advice of -those who know them better than yourselves, and in whose integrity you -can confide; but in matters of taste, that depend on your own feelings, -consult no one friend whatever, but consult your own hearts. - -IF a gentleman makes his addresses to you, or gives you reason to -believe he will do so, before you allow your affections to be engaged, -endeavour in the most prudent and secret manner, to procure from your -friends every necessary piece of information concerning him; such as his -character for sense, his morals, his temper, fortune and family; whether -it is distinguished for parts and worth, or for folly, knavery, and -loathsome hereditary diseases. When your friends inform you of these, -they have fulfilled their duty. If they go further, they have not that -deference for you which a becoming dignity on your part would -effectually command. - -WHATEVER your views are in marrying, take every possible precaution to -prevent their being disappointed. If fortune, and the pleasures it -brings, are your aim, it is not sufficient that the settlements of a -jointure and children’s provisions be ample, and properly secured; it is -necessary that you should enjoy the fortune during your own life. The -principal security you can have for this will depend on your marrying a -good-natured generous man, who despises money, and who will let you live -where you can best enjoy that pleasure, that pomp and parade of life for -which you married him. - -FROM what I have said, you will easily see that I could never pretend to -advise whom you should marry; but I can with great confidence advise -whom you should not marry. - -AVOID a companion that may entail any hereditary disease on your -posterity, particularly (that most dreadful of all human calamities) -madness. It is the height of imprudence to run into such a danger, and -in my opinion, highly criminal. - -DO not marry a fool; he is the most intractable of all animals; he is -led by his passions and caprices, and is incapable of hearing the voice -of reason. It may probably too hurt your vanity to have husbands for -whom you have reason to blush and tremble every time they open their -lips in company. But the worst circumstance, that attends a fool, is his -constant jealousy of his wife being thought to govern him. This renders -it impossible to lead him, and he is continually doing absurd and -disagreeable things, for no other reason but to shew he dares do them. - -A RAKE is always a suspicious husband, because he has only known the -most worthless of your sex. He likewise entails the worst diseases on -his wife and children, if he has the misfortune to have any. - -IF you have a sense of religion yourselves, do not think of husbands who -have none. If they have tolerable understandings, they will be glad that -you have religion, for their own sakes, and for the sake of their -families; but it will sink you in their esteem. If they are weak men, -they will be continually teazing and shocking you about your -principles.—If you have children, you will suffer the most bitter -distress, in seeing all your endeavours to form their minds to virtue -and piety, all your endeavours to secure their present and eternal -happiness frustrated, and turned into ridicule. - -AS I look on your choice of a husband to be of the greatest consequence -to your happiness, I hope you will make it with the utmost -circumspection. Do not give way to a sudden sally of passion, and -dignify it with the name of love.—Genuine love is not founded in -caprice; it is founded in nature, on honourable views, on virtue, on -similarity of tastes and sympathy of souls. - -IF you have these sentiments, you will never marry any one, when you are -not in that situation, in point of fortune, which is necessary to the -happiness of either of you. What that competency may be, can only be -determined by your own tastes. It would be ungenerous in you to take -advantage of a lover’s attachment, to plunge him into distress; and if -he has any honour, no personal gratification will ever tempt him to -enter into any connection which will render you unhappy. If you have as -much between you as to satisfy all your reasonable demands, it is -sufficient. - -I SHALL conclude with endeavouring to remove a difficulty which must -naturally occur to any woman of reflection on the subject of marriage. -What is to become of all these refinements of delicacy, that dignity of -manners, which checked all familiarities, and suspended desire in -respectful and awful admiration? In answer to this, I shall only -observe, that if motives of interest or vanity have had any share in -your resolutions to marry, none of these chimerical notions will give -you any pain; nay they will very quickly appear as ridiculous in your -own eyes, as they probably always did in the eyes of your husbands. They -have been sentiments which have floated in your imaginations, but have -never reached your hearts. But if these sentiments have been truly -genuine, and if you have had the singular happy fate to attach those who -understand them, you have no reason to be afraid. - -MARRIAGE indeed, will at once dispel the enchantment raised by external -beauty; but the virtues and graces that first warmed the heart, that -reserve and delicacy which always left the lover something further to -wish, and often made him doubtful of your sensibility or attachment, may -and ought ever to remain. The tumult of passion will necessarily -subside; but it will be succeeded by an endearment, that affects the -heart in a more equal, more sensible, and tender manner.—But I must -check myself, and not indulge in descriptions that may mislead you, and -that too sensibly awake the remembrance of my happier days, which, -perhaps, it were better for me to forget forever. - -I HAVE thus given you my opinion on some of the most important articles -of your future life, chiefly calculated for that period when you are -just entering the world. I have endeavoured to avoid some peculiarities -of opinion, which, from their contradiction to the general practice of -the world, I might reasonably have suspected were not so well founded. -But in writing to you, I am afraid my heart has been too full, and too -warmly interested, to allow me to keep this resolution. This may have -produced some embarrassment, and some seeming contradictions. What I -have written has been the amusement of some solitary hours, and has -served to divert some melancholy reflections.—I am conscious I undertook -a task to which I was very unequal; but I have discharged a part of my -duty.—You will at least be pleased with it, as the last mark of your -father’s love and attention. - - - THE END. - - -[Illustration] - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - CONTENTS. - - - page - - Modesty, 7 - - Lying, 12 - - Good-Breeding, 15 - - Genteel Carriage, 21 - - Cleanliness of person, 25 - - Dress, 26 - - Elegance of Expression, 28 - - Address Phraseology, and 33 - small-talk, - - Observation, 35 - - Absence of Mind, 37 - - Knowledge of the World, 39 - - Choice of Company, 51 - - Laughter, 55 - - Sundry Little 57 - Accomplishments, - - Employment of Time, 71 - - Dignity of Manners, 74 - - Rules for Conversation, 79 - - - A Father’s address to his 93 - Daughters, - - Religion, 96 - - Conduct and Behaviour, 102 - - Amusements, 110 - - Friendship, Love, 116 - Marriage, - - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - ● Transcriber’s Notes: - ○ Missing or obscured punctuation was silently corrected. - ○ Typographical errors were silently corrected. - ○ Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation were made consistent only - when a predominant form was found in this book. - ○ Text that was in italics is enclosed by underscores (_italics_). - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Principles of politeness, and of -knowing the world, by Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield) - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRINCIPLES OF POLITENESS *** - -***** This file should be named 60071-0.txt or 60071-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/0/7/60071/ - -Produced by Turgut Dincer, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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} - .c010 { text-decoration: none; } - .c011 { font-size: 85%; } - .c012 { margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } - .c013 { border: none; border-bottom: thin solid; margin: 1em auto; } - .c014 { margin-left: 1.39%; margin-top: 1em; font-size: 85%; } - .c015 { vertical-align: top; text-align: left; padding-right: 1em; } - .c016 { vertical-align: top; text-align: right; } - body {width:80%; margin:auto; } - .tnbox {background-color:#E3E4FA;border:1px solid silver;padding: 0.5em; - margin:2em 10% 0 10%; } - </style> - </head> - <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Principles of politeness, and of knowing -the world, by Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield) - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Principles of politeness, and of knowing the world - -Author: Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield) - -Release Date: August 7, 2019 [EBook #60071] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRINCIPLES OF POLITENESS *** - - - - -Produced by Turgut Dincer, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class='figcenter id001'> -<img src='images/cover.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic001'> -<p><span class='small'>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</span></p> -</div> -</div> -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c000' /> -</div> -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_1'>1</span> - <h1 class='c001'><span class='xxlarge'>PRINCIPLES</span><br /><span class='sc'>Of</span> POLITENESS,<br />AND OF<br />KNOWING <span class='small'>THE</span> WORLD.</h1> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c000'> - <div>By the late <span class='sc'>Lord</span> CHESTERFIELD.</div> - <div class='c000'>Methodised and digested under distinct Heads,</div> - <div class='c000'>WITH ADDITIONS,</div> - <div class='c000'>By the Rev. Dr. JOHN TRUSLER:</div> - <div class='c000'>CONTAINING</div> - <div class='c000'>Every Instruction necessary to complete the</div> - <div><span class='sc'>Gentleman</span> and <span class='sc'>Man of Fashion</span>; to</div> - <div>teach him a Knowledge of Life, and make</div> - <div>him well received in all Companies.</div> - <div class='c000'>TO WHICH IS NOW FIRST ANNEXED</div> - <div class='c000'><span class='xlarge'>A FATHER’S LEGACY</span></div> - <div><span class='sc'>To his</span> <span class='large'>DAUGHTERS</span>:</div> - <div class='c000'>By the late Dr. GREGORY,</div> - <div><span class='small'>OF</span> <span class='sc'>Edinburgh</span>.</div> - <div class='c000'>The whole admirably calculated for the</div> - <div><span class='fss'>IMPROVEMENT</span> of <span class='sc'>Youth</span>, yet not beneath</div> - <div>the attention of any.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class='c002' /> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>PORTSMOUTH, <span class='sc'>New-Hampshire</span>:</div> - <div><span class='sc'>Printed by Melcher</span> and <span class='sc'>Osborne</span>.</div> - <div><span class='sc'>M,dcc,lxxxvi.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<div class='figcenter id001'> -<span class='pageno' id='Page_2'>2</span> -<img src='images/intro-deco.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c004'>INTRODUCTION</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='sc'>To the</span> PORTSMOUTH EDITION.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'><i>The two parts of this work, which -have heretofore been printed separate, -are now offered to the Public in one volume, -as a system of polite and moral instruction -for both sexes: This edition is critically -corrected, with the special design of furnishing -English schools, at a small expence, -with a</i> proper <i>book for reading and parsing -their own language, that the teacher may be -provided with suitable means for mending -the manners of his pupils, while he informs -their understandings, by analyzing the grammatical -construction, and pointing out the -beauties of the most approved style</i>.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Portsmouth</span>, <i>Jan. 1786</i>.</p> -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c007'> - <div><span class='pageno' id='Page_3'>3</span><span class='xxlarge'>ADVERTISEMENT.</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'><i>The late Lord</i> <span class='sc'>Chesterfield</span> <i>having been universally -allowed to be one of the best bred men of -the age, and most intimately acquainted with the principles -and manners of mankind, the Editor of the following pages -humbly apprehends he could not do the rising generation a -greater service, than by collecting those valuable precepts -which are contained in his celebrated letters to his son, digesting -them under distinct heads, and thereby forming a system -of the most useful instruction.</i></p> - -<p class='c006'><i>To that end, he has diligently selected every observation -and remark that can possibly improve or inform the mind, -within the rules of morality: and where there seemed a deficiency -in any part of the system, from the occasional chasms -in Lord Chesterfield’s correspondence, he has endeavoured to -supply it. Much might have been said on the subject of -indelicacy, but as instructions on that head, to persons possessed -of a liberal education, must have been unnecessary, -they are here purposely omitted. Some may be apt to think, -that many things in this work are too frivolous to be mentioned; -but when it is remembered they are calculated for the -multitude, it is presumed they will be received as respectable -admonitions. In short, it has been the Editor’s study -to make Lord Chesterfield useful to every class of youth; to -lay that instruction before them, which they with difficulty -must have found amidst a heap of other matter; in a word, -to give the very essence of his letters, and at a tenth part -of the</i> price <i>those letters sell for</i>.</p> -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_7'>7</span> - <h2 class='c004'><span class='xxlarge'>PRINCIPLES</span><br />OF<br />POLITENESS, &c.</h2> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div>ADDRESSED TO</div> - <div>EVERY YOUNG GENTLEMAN.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>As all young men, on their first outset in life, -are in want of some experienced and friendly -hand to bring them forward, and teach them -a knowledge of the world; I think I cannot do the -rising generation a greater service, than by directing -the young man’s steps, and teaching him how to -make his way among the crowd. I will suppose him -already instructed in the principles of religion, and -necessity of moral virtues; (for without these he must -be most unhappy) of course shall, in a series of chapters, -point out, under distinct heads, the qualifications -necessary to make him well received in the world; -without which, he cannot expect to bear his part in -life, agreeably to his own wishes, or the duty he owes -to society; and as modesty is the basis of a proper reception, -I shall begin with that.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>MODESTY.</h3> - -<p class='c009'>Modesty is a polite accomplishment, and -generally an attendant upon merit: It is engaging -to the highest degree, and wins the heart of -all our acquaintance. On the contrary, none are -more disgustful in company than the impudent and -presuming.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_8'>8</span><span class='sc'>The</span> man who is, on all occasions, commending -and speaking well of himself, we naturally dislike. -On the other hand, he who studies to conceal his own -defects, who does justice to the merit of others, who -talks but little of himself, and that with modesty, -makes a favourable impression on the persons he is -conversing with, captivates their minds, and gains -their esteem.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Modesty</span>, however, widely differs from an awkward -bashfulness, which is as much to be condemned -as the other is to be applauded. To appear simple is -as ill-bred as to be impudent. A young man ought -to be able to come into a room and address the company, -without the least embarrassment. To be out -of countenance when spoken to, and not to have -an answer ready, is ridiculous to the last degree.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>An</span> awkward country fellow, when he comes into -company better than himself, is exceedingly disconcerted. -He knows not what to do with his hands, or -his hat, but either puts one of them in his pocket, -and dangles the other by his side; or perhaps twirls -his hat on his fingers, or fumbles with the button. -If spoken to, he is in a much worse situation, he answers -with the utmost difficulty, and nearly stammers; -whereas a gentleman, who is acquainted with life, -enters a room with gracefulness and a modest assurance, -addresses even persons he does not know, in an -easy and natural manner, and without the least embarrassment. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_9'>9</span>This is the characteristic of good-breeding, -a very necessary knowledge in our intercourse -with men; for one of inferior parts, with the behaviour -of a gentleman, is frequently better received -than a man of sense, with the address and manners of -a clown.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Ignorance</span> and vice are the only things we need -be ashamed of; steer clear of these, and you may go -into any company you will: Not that I would have -a young man throw off all dread of appearing abroad; -as a fear of offending, or being disesteemed, will -make him observe a proper decorum. Some persons -from experiencing the inconveniencies of false modesty, -have run into the other extreme, and acquired the -character of impudent: This is as great a fault as -the other. A well-bred man keeps himself within -the two, and steers the middle way. He is easy and -firm in every company, is modest but not bashful, -steady but not impudent. He copies the manners of -the better people, and conforms to their customs with -ease and attention.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Till</span> we can present ourselves in all companies -with coolness and unconcern, we can never present -ourselves well; nor will a man ever be supposed to -have kept good company, or ever be acceptable in -such company, if he cannot appear there easy and -unembarrassed. A modest assurance, in every part of -life, is the most advantageous qualification we can -possibly acquire.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_10'>10</span><span class='sc'>Instead</span> of becoming insolent, a man of sense, -under a consciousness of merit, is more modest. He -behaves himself indeed with firmness, but without the -least presumption. The man who is ignorant of his -own merit, is no less a fool than he who is constantly -displaying it. A man of understanding avails himself -of his abilities, but never boasts of them; whereas -the timid and bashful can never push himself in life, -be his merit as great as it will; he will be always -kept behind by the forward and bustling. A man of -abilities, and acquainted with life, will stand as firm -in defence of his own rights, and pursue his plans -as steadily and unmoved, as the most impudent man -alive; but then he does it with a seeming modesty. -Thus manner is every thing; what is impudence in -one, is proper assurance only in another; for firmness -is commendable, but an overbearing conduct is disgustful.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Forwardness</span> being the very reverse of modesty, -follow rather than lead the company; that is, join in -discourse upon subjects, rather than start one of your -own: If you have parts, you will have opportunities -enough of shewing them on every topic of conversation, -and if you have none, it is better to expose -yourself upon a subject of other people’s than of your -own.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span>, be particularly careful not to speak of yourself, -if you can help it. An impudent fellow lugs in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_11'>11</span>himself abruptly upon all occasions, and is ever the -hero of his own story. Others will colour their arrogance -with, ‘It may seem strange, indeed, that I -should talk in this manner of myself; it is what I by -no means like, and should never do, if I had not been -cruelly and unjustly accused; but when my character -is attacked, it is a justice I owe to myself, to defend -it.’ This veil is too thin not to be seen through on -the first inspection.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Others</span> again, with more art, will <i>modestly</i> boast -of all the principal virtues, by calling those virtues -weaknesses, and saying, they are so unfortunate as to -fall into weaknesses. ‘I cannot see persons suffer,’ -says one of this cast, ‘without relieving them; -though my circumstances are very unable to afford -it.’ ‘I cannot avoid speaking truth, though it is -often very imprudent,’ and so on.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>This</span> angling for praise is so prevailing a principle, -that it frequently stoops to the lowest objects. Men -will often boast of doing that, which, if true, would -be rather a disgrace to them than otherwise. One -man affirms that he rode twenty miles within the -hour; ’tis probably a lie; but suppose he did, what -then? He had a good horse under him, and is a -good jockey. Another swears he has often at a sitting, -drank five or six bottles to his own share. Out -of respect to him, I will believe <i>him</i> a liar, for I -would not wish to think him a beast.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_12'>12</span><span class='sc'>These</span> and many more are the follies of idle people, -which, while they think they procure them esteem, -in reality make them despised.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>To</span> avoid this contempt, therefore, never speak of -yourself at all, unless necessity obliges you; and even -then, take care to do it in such a manner, that it may -not be construed in to fishing for applause. Whatever -perfections you may have, be assured, people will find -them out; but whether they do or not, nobody will -take them upon your own word. The less you say of -yourself, the more the world will give you credit for; -and the more you say, the less they will believe you.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>LYING.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Of</span> all the vices, there is no one more criminal, -more mean, and more ridiculous, than lying. -The end we design by it is very seldom accomplished, -for lies are always found out, at one time or other; -and yet there are persons who give way to this vice, -who are otherwise of good principles, and have not -been ill educated.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Lies</span> generally proceed from vanity, cowardice, -and a revengeful disposition, and sometimes from a -mistaken notion of self-defence.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>He</span> who tells a malicious lie, with a view of injuring -the person he speaks of, may gratify his wish for -a while, but will, in the end, find it recoil upon himself; -for, as soon as he is detected (and detected he -<span class='pageno' id='Page_13'>13</span>most certainly will be) he is despised for the infamous -attempt, and whatever he may say hereafter of that -person, will be considered as false, whether it be so or -not.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> a man lies, shuffles, or equivocates, for, in fact, -they are all alike, by way of excuse for any thing he -has said or done, he aggravates the offence rather than -lessens it; for the person to whom the lie is told has a -right to know the truth, or there would have been no -occasion to have framed a falsehood. This person, of -course, will think himself ill treated for being a second -time affronted; for what can be a greater affront -than an attempt to impose upon any man’s understanding? -Besides, lying, in excuse for a fault, betrays -fear, than which nothing is more dastardly, and -unbecoming the character of a gentleman.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is nothing more manly, or more noble, if -we have done wrong, than frankly to own it. It is -the only way of meeting forgiveness. Indeed, confessing -a fault and asking pardon, with great minds, is -considered as a sufficient atonement. ‘I have been -betrayed into an error,’ or ‘I have injured you, -Sir, and am heartily ashamed of it, and sorry for it,’ -has frequently disarmed the person injured, and where -he would have been our enemy, has made him our -friend.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> are persons also, whose <i>vanity</i> leads them -to tell a thousand lies. They persuade themselves, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_14'>14</span>that if it be no way injurious to others, it is harmless -and innocent, and they shelter their falsehoods under -the softer name of <i>untruths</i>. These persons are foolish -enough to imagine, that if they can recite any thing -wonderful, they draw the attention of the company, -and if they themselves are the objects of that wonder, -they are looked up to as persons extraordinary. This -has made many men to see things that never were -in being, hear things that never were said, atchieve -feats that never were attempted, dealing always in the -marvellous. Such may be assured, however unwilling -the persons they are conversing with may be to laugh -in their faces, that they hold them secretly in the -highest contempt; for he who will tell a lie thus idly, -will not scruple to tell a greater, where his interest is -concerned. Rather than any person should doubt of -my veracity for one minute, I would deprive myself -of telling abroad either what I had really seen or -heard, if such things did not carry with them the -face of probability.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Others</span> again will boast of the great respect they -meet with in certain companies; of the honors that -are continually heaped on them there; of the great -price they give for every thing they purchase; and -this to be thought of consequence; but, unless such -people have the best and most accurate memory, they -will, perhaps, very soon after, contradict their former -assertions, and subject themselves to contempt and -derision.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_15'>15</span><span class='sc'>Remember</span> then as long as you live, that nothing -but strict truth can carry you through life with honor -and credit. Liars are not only disagreeable but dangerous -companions, and, when known, will ever be -shunned by men of understanding. Besides, as the -greatest liars are generally the greatest fools, a man -who addicts himself to this detestable vice, will not -only be looked upon as vulgar, but will never be -considered as a man of sense.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>GOOD-BREEDING.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Void</span> of good-breeding, every other qualification -will be imperfect, unadorned, and to a certain -degree unavailing.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Good-breeding</span> being the result of good sense -and good nature, is it not wonderful that people possessed -of the one, should be deficient in the other? -The modes of it, varying according to persons, places, -and circumstances, cannot indeed be acquired otherwise -than by time and observation, but the substance -is every where and always the same.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>What</span> good morals are to society in general, good -manners are to particular ones; their band and security. -Of all actions, next to that of performing a -good one, the consciousness of rendering a civility is -the most grateful.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>We</span> seldom see a person, let him be ever so ill-bred, -want in respect to those whom he acknowledges to be -<span class='pageno' id='Page_16'>16</span>his superiors; the manner of shewing this respect, -then, is all I contend for. The well-bred man expresses -it naturally and easily, while he who is unused -to good company expresses it awkwardly. Study, -then, to shew that respect which every one wishes to -shew, in an easy and grateful way; but this must be -learnt by observation.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> company with your equals, or in mixed companies, -a greater latitude may be taken in your behaviour; -yet, it should never exceed the bounds of decency; -for, though no one in this case, can claim any -distinguished marks of respect, every one is entitled to -civility and good manners. A man need not, for example, -fear to put his hands in his pockets, take snuff, -sit, stand, or occasionally walk about the room; but it -would be highly unbecoming to whistle, wear his hat, -loosen his garters, or throw himself across the chairs. -Such liberties are offensive to our equals, and insulting -to our inferiors. Easiness of carriage by no means -implies inattention and carelessness. No one is at liberty -to act, in all respects, as he pleases; but is -bound by the laws of good manners to behave with -decorum.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Let</span> a man talk to you ever so stupidly or frivolously, -not to pay some attention to what he says, is -savageness to the greatest degree. Nay, if he even -forces his conversation to you, it is worse than rudeness -not to listen to him; for your inattention in this -<span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>case, tells him, in express terms, that you think him -a blockhead and not worth the hearing. Now, if such -behaviour is rude to men, it is much more so to women, -who, be their rank what it will, have, on account -of their sex, a claim to officious attention from -the men. Their little wants and whims, their likes -and dislikes, and even their impertinences, are particularly -attended to and flattered, and their very -thoughts and wishes guessed at and instantly gratified, -by every well-bred man.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> promiscuous companies, you should vary your -address, agreeably to the different ages of the persons -you speak to. It would be rude and absurd to talk -of your amours or your pleasures to men of certain -dignity and gravity, to clergymen, or men in years; -but still you should be as easy with them as with others, -your manner only should be varied; you should, -if possible, double your respect and attention to them; -and were you to insinuate occasionally, that from their -observation and experience you wish to profit, you -would insensibly win their esteem; for flattery, if not -fulsome and gross, is agreeable to all.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>When</span> invited to dinner or supper, you must never -usurp to yourself the best places, the best dishes, &c. -but always decline them, and offer them to others, except, -indeed, you are offered any thing by a superior, -when it would be a rudeness, if you liked it, not to -accept it immediately, without the least apology.—Thus, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>for example, was a superior, the master of the -table, to offer you a thing of which there was but one, -to pass it to the person next you, would be indirectly -charging him that offered it to you, with a want of -good manners and proper respect to his company; or, -if you were the only stranger present, it would be a -rudeness if you make a feint of refusing it with the -customary apology, ‘I cannot think of taking it from -you, sir;’ or, ‘I am sorry to deprive you of it;’ as -it is supposed he is conscious of his own rank, and if -he chose not to give it, would not have offered it; -your apology therefore, in this case, is putting him -upon an equality with yourself. In like manner, it -is rudeness to draw back when requested by a superior -to pass a door first, or to step into a carriage before -him. In short, it would be endless to particularise all -the instances in which a well-bred man shews his politeness -in good company, such as not yawning, singing, -whistling, warming his breech at the fire, lounging, -putting his legs upon the chairs, and the like, -familiarities every man’s good sense must condemn, -and good-breeding abhor.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span>, good-breeding consists in more than merely -not being ill-bred. To return a bow, speak when you -are spoken to, and say nothing rude, are such negative -acts of good-breeding, that they are little more -than not being a brute. Would it not be a very poor -commendation of any man’s cleanliness, to say that he -was not offensive? If we wish for the good will and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>esteem of our acquaintance, our good-breeding must -be active, cheerful, officious and seducing.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>For</span> example, should you invite any one to dine or -sup with you, recollect whether ever you had observed -them to prefer one thing to another, and endeavour to -procure that thing; when at table, say, ‘At such a -time, I think you seemed to give this dish a preference, -I therefore ordered it.’ ‘This is the wine I -observed you like best, I have therefore been at some -pains to procure it.’ Trifling as these things may -appear, they prove an attention to the person they are -said to; and as attention in trifles is the test of respect, -the compliment will not be lost.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I need</span> only refer you to your own breast. How -have these little attentions, when shewn you by others, -flattered that self-love which no man is free from? -They incline and attach us to that person, and prejudice -us afterwards, to all that he says or does. The -declaration of the women in a great degree stamps a -man’s reputation of being either ill or well-bred; you -must then, in a manner, overwhelm them with these -attentions; they are used to them, and naturally expect -them, and to do them justice, they are seldom -lost upon them. You must be sedulous to wait upon -them, pick up with alacrity any thing they drop, and -be very officious in procuring their carriages or their -chairs in public places; be blind to what you should -not see, and deaf to what you should not hear. Opportunities -of shewing these attentions are continually -<span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>presenting themselves; but in case they should not, -you must study to create them.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> ever you would be esteemed by the women, your -conversation to them should be always respectful, lively, -and addressed to their vanity. Every thing you -say or do, should tend to shew a regard to their beauty -or good sense: Even men are not without their vanities -of one kind or another, and flattering that vanity -by words and looks of approbation, is one of the -principal characters of good-breeding.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Address</span> and manners, with weak persons, who -are actually three-fourths of the world, are every -thing; and even people of the best understanding are -taken in with them. Where the heart is not won, -and the eye pleased, the mind will be seldom on our -side.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> short, learning and erudition, without good-breeding, -are tiresome and pedantic; and an ill-bred -man is as unfit for good company, as he will be unwelcome -in it. Nay, he is full as unfit for business -as for company. Make, then, good-breeding the -great object of your thoughts and actions. Be particularly -observant of, and endeavour to imitate, the -behaviour and manners of such as are distinguished by -their politeness; and be persuaded, that good-breeding -is to all worldly qualifications, what charity is to -all Christian virtues; it adorns merit, and often covers -the want of it.</p> -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_21'>21</span> - <h3 class='c008'>GENTEEL CARRIAGE.</h3> -</div> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Next</span> to good-breeding is a genteel manner -and carriage, wholly free from those ill habits -and awkward actions, which many very worthy persons -are addicted to.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A genteel</span> manner of behaviour, how trifling so-ever -it may seem, is of the utmost consequence in private -life. Men of very inferior parts have been esteemed, -merely for their genteel carriage and good-breeding, -while sensible men have given disgust for -want of it. There is something or other that prepossesses -us at first sight, in favour of a well-bred man, -and makes us wish to like him.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>When</span> an awkward fellow first comes into a room, -he attempts to bow, and his sword, if he wears one, -goes between his legs, and nearly throws him down. -Confused and ashamed, he stumbles to the upper end -of the room, and seats himself in the very chair he -should not. He there begins playing with his hat, -which he presently drops; and recovering his hat, he -lets fall his cane; and in picking up his cane, down -goes his hat again; thus ’tis a considerable time before -he is adjusted. When his tea or coffee is handed to -him, he spreads his handkerchief upon his knees, scalds -his mouth, drops either the cup or the saucer, and -spills the tea or coffee in his lap. At dinner he is -more uncommonly awkward; there he tucks his napkin -through a button-hole, which tickles his chin, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>and occasions him to make a variety of wry faces; he -seats himself upon the edge of the chair, at so great a -distance from the table, that he frequently drops his -meat between his plate and his mouth; he holds his -knife, fork and spoon differently from other people; -eats with his knife, to the manifest danger of his -mouth; picks his teeth with his fork, rakes his mouth -with his finger, and puts his spoon which has been in -his throat a dozen times, into the dish again. If he is -to carve, he cannot hit the joint, but in labouring to -cut through the bone, splashes the sauce over every -body’s cloaths. He generally daubs himself all over, -his elbows are in the next person’s plate, and he is -up to the knuckles in soup and grease. If he drinks, -it is with his mouth full, interrupting the whole company -with ‘To your good health, sir,’ and ‘My -service to you;’ perhaps coughs in his glass, and be-sprinkles -the whole table. Further, he has perhaps a -number of disagreeable tricks, he snuffs up his nose, -picks it with his fingers, blows it, and looks in his -handkerchief, crams his hands first into his bosom, -and next into his breeches. In short, he neither dresses -nor acts like any other person, but is particularly -awkward in every thing he does. All this, I own, -has nothing in it criminal; but it is such an offence -to good manners and good-breeding, that it is universally -despised; it makes a man ridiculous in every -company, and, of course, ought carefully to be avoided -by every one who would wish to please.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>From</span> this picture of the ill-bred man, you will -<span class='pageno' id='Page_23'>23</span>easily discover that of the well-bred; for you may readily -judge what you ought to do, when you are told -what you ought not to do; a little attention to the -manners of those who have seen the world, will make -a proper behaviour habitual and familiar to you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Actions</span>, that would otherwise be pleasing, frequently -become ridiculous by the manner of doing -them. If a lady drop her fan in company, the worst-bred -man would immediately pick it up, and give it -to her; the best bred man can do no more; but then -he does it in a graceful manner, that is sure to please; -whereas the other would do it so awkwardly as to be -laughed at.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> may also know a well-bred person by his manner -of sitting. Ashamed and confused, the awkward -man sits in his chair stiff and bolt upright, whereas -the man of fashion, is easy in every position; instead -of lolling or lounging as he sits, he leans with elegance, -and by varying his attitudes, shews that he has -been used to good company. Let it be one part of -your study then, to learn to sit genteely in different -companies, to loll gracefully, where you are authorized -to take that liberty, and sit up respectfully, where -that freedom is not allowable.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> short, you cannot conceive how advantageous a -graceful carriage and a pleasing address are, upon all -occasions; they ensnare the affections, seal a prepossession -in our favour, and play about the heart till -they engage it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_24'>24</span><span class='sc'>Now</span> to acquire a graceful air, you must attend to -your dancing; no one can either sit, stand or walk -well, unless he dances well. And, in learning to -dance, be particularly attentive to the motion of your -arms, for a stiffness in the wrist will make any man -look awkward. If a man walks well, presents himself -well in company, wears his hat well, moves his -head properly, and his arms gracefully, it is almost -all that is necessary.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is also an awkwardness in speech, that naturally -falls under this head, and ought to and may -be guarded against; such as forgetting names, and -mistaking one name for another; to speak of Mr. -What-d’ye-call-him, or You-know-who, Mrs. Thingum, -What’s-her-name, or How-d’ye-call-her, is exceedingly -awkward and vulgar. It is the same to address -people by improper titles, as <i>sir</i> for <i>my lord</i>; to -begin a story without being able to finish it, and break -off in the middle, with, ‘I have forgot the rest.’</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Our</span> voice and manner of speaking too, should -likewise be attended to. Some will mumble over -their words, so as not to be intelligible, and others -will speak so fast as not to be understood, and, in doing -this, will spatter and spit in your face; some will -bawl as if they were speaking to the deaf; others will -speak so low as scarcely to be heard; and many will -put their face so close to yours, as to offend you with -their breath. All these habits are horrid and disgustful, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>but may easily be got the better of, with care. -They are the vulgar characteristics of a low-bred man, -or are proofs that very little pains have been bestowed -in his education. In short, an attention to these little -matters is of greater importance than you are aware -of; many sensible men having lost ground for want -of these little graces, and many, possessed of these -perfections alone, having made their way through life, -who otherwise would not have been noticed.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>CLEANLINESS of PERSON.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>But</span>, as no one can please in company, however -graceful in his air, unless he be clean and neat -in his person, this qualification comes next to be considered.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Negligence</span> of one’s person not only implies an -unsufferable indolence, but an indifference whether -we please or not. It betrays an insolence and affectation, -arising from a presumption, that we are sure of -pleasing, without having recourse to those means -which many are obliged to use.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>He</span> who is not thoroughly clean in his person, will -be offensive to all he converses with. A particular -regard to the cleanliness of your mouth, teeth, hands -and nails, is but common decency. A foul mouth -and unclean hands, are certain marks of vulgarity; -the first is the cause of an offensive breath, which nobody -can bear, and the last is declarative of dirty -<span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span>work; one may always know a gentleman by the state -of his hands and nails. The flesh at the roots should -be kept back, so as to shew the semicircles at the bottom -of the nails; the edges of the nails should never -be cut down below the ends of the fingers, nor should -they be suffered to grow longer than the fingers. -When the nails are cut down to the quick, it is a -shrewd sign that the man is a mechanic, to whom long -nails would be troublesome, or that he gets his bread -by fiddling; and if they are longer than his fingers’ -ends, and encircled with a black rim, it foretells he -has been laboriously and meanly employed, and too -fatigued to clean himself; a good apology for want -of cleanliness in a mechanic, but the greatest disgrace -that can attend a gentleman.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>These</span> things may appear too insignificant to be -mentioned; but when it is considered that a thousand -little nameless things, which every one feels, but no -one can describe, conspire to form that <i>whole</i> of pleasing, -I hope you will not call them trifling. Besides, -a clean shirt and a clean person are as necessary to -health, as not to offend other people. It is a maxim -with me, which I have lived to see verified, that he -who is negligent at twenty years of age, will be a sloven -at forty, and intolerable at fifty.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>DRESS.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Neatness</span> of person, I observed, was as -necessary as cleanliness; of course, some attention -must be paid to your dress.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_27'>27</span><span class='sc'>Such</span> is the absurdity of the times, that to pass -well with the world, we must adopt some of its customs, -be they ridiculous or not.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> the first place, to neglect one’s dress is to affront -all the female part of our acquaintance. The women -in particular pay an attention to their dress; to neglect -therefore yours will displease them, as it would -be tacitly taxing them with vanity, and declaring that -you thought them not worth that respect which every -body else does. And, as I have mentioned before, it -being the women who stamp a young man’s credit in -the fashionable world, if you do not make yourself -agreeable to them, you will assuredly lose ground -among the men.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Dress</span>, as trifling as it may appear to a man of -understanding, prepossesses on the first appearance, -which is frequently decisive. And indeed we form -some opinion of a man’s sense and character from his -dress. Any exceeding of the fashion, or any affectation -whatever in dress, argues a weakness in understanding, -and nine times in ten, it will be found so.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> are few young fellows but what display some -character or other in this shape. Some would be -thought fearless and brave; these wear a black cravat, -a short coat and waistcoat, an uncommon long sword -hanging to their knees, a large hat fiercely cocked, -and are <i>flash</i> all over. Others affect to be country -squires; these will go about in buckskin breeches, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>brown frocks, and great oaken cudgels in their hands, -slouched hats, with their hair undressed and tucked -up under them to an enormous size, and imitate -grooms and country boobies so well externally, that -there is not the least doubt of their resembling them -as well internally. Others, again, paint and powder -themselves so much, and dress so finically, as leads us -to suppose they are only women in boy’s cloaths. -Now a sensible man carefully avoids all this, or any -other affectation. He dresses as fashionably and as -well as persons of the best families and best sense; if -he exceeds them, he is a coxcomb; if he dresses worse, -he is unpardonable.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Dress</span> yourself fine, then, if possible, or plain, agreeably -to the company you are in; that is, conform -to the dress of others, and avoid the appearance of -being tumbled. Imitate those reasonable people of -your own age, whose dress is neither remarked as too -neglected or too much studied. Take care to have -your clothes well made, in the fashion, and to fit you, -or you will, after all, appear awkward. When once -dressed, think no more of it; shew no fear of discomposing -your dress, but let all your motions be as easy -and unembarrassed, as if you were at home in your -dishabille.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>ELEGANCE of EXPRESSION.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Having</span> mentioned elegance of person, I -will proceed to elegance of expression.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_29'>29</span><span class='sc'>It</span> is not one or two qualifications alone complete -the gentleman; it must be a union of many; and -graceful speaking is as essential as gracefulness of person. -Every man cannot be a harmonious speaker; -a roughness or coarseness of voice may prevent it; but -if there are no natural imperfections, if a man does -not stammer or lisp, or has not lost his teeth, he may -speak gracefully; nor will all these defects, if he has -a mind to it, prevent him from speaking correctly.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Nobody</span> can attend with pleasure to a bad speaker. -One who tells his story ill, be it ever so important, -will tire even the most patient. If you have been -present at the performance of a good tragedy, you -have doubtless been sensible of the good effects of a -speech well delivered; how much it has interested and -affected you; and on the contrary, how much an ill -spoken one has disgusted you. ’Tis the same in common -conversation; he who speaks deliberately, distinctly -and correctly: He who makes use of the best -words to express himself, and varies his voice according -to the nature of the subject, will always please, -while the thick or hasty speaker, he who mumbles -out a set of ill-chosen words, utters them ingrammatically, -or with a dull monotony, will tire and disgust. -Be assured then, the air, the gesture, the looks -of a speaker, a proper accent, a just emphasis, and -tuneful cadence, are full as necessary to please and be -attended to, as the subject matter itself.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span><span class='sc'>People</span> may talk what they will of solid reasoning -and sound sense; without the graces and ornaments -of language, they will neither please nor persuade. -In common discourse, even trifles elegantly expressed -will be better received than the best of arguments -homespun and unadorned.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A good</span> way to acquire a graceful utterance is to -read aloud to some friend every day, and beg of him -to set you right, in case you read too fast, do not observe -the proper stops, lay a wrong emphasis, or utter -your words indistinctly. You may even read aloud to -yourself, where such a friend is not at hand, and you -will find your own ear a good corrector. Take care -to open your teeth when you read or speak, and articulate -every word distinctly; which last cannot be -done, but by sounding the final letter. But above -all, endeavour to vary your voice, according to the -matter, and avoid a monotony. By a daily attention -to this, it will, in a little time, become easy and habitual -to you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Pay</span> an attention also to your looks and your gestures, -when talking even on the most trifling subjects; -things appear very different according as they are expressed, -looked and delivered.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Now</span>, if it is necessary to attend so particularly to -our <i>manner</i> of speaking, it is much more so, with respect -to the <i>matter</i>. Fine turns of expression, a genteel -and correct style, are ornaments as requisite to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_31'>31</span>common sense, as polite behaviour and an elegant -address are to common good manners; they are great -assistants in the point of pleasing. A gentleman, ’tis -true, may be known in the meanest garb, but it admits -not of a doubt, that he would be better received -into good company, genteelly and fashionably dressed, -than if he appeared in dirt and tatters.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Be</span> careful then of your style upon all occasions; -whether you write or speak, study for the best words -and best expressions, even in common conversation, or -the most familiar letters. This will prevent your -speaking in a hurry, than which nothing is more vulgar; -though you may be a little embarrassed at first, -time and use will render it easy. It is no such difficult -thing to express ourselves well on subjects we -are thoroughly acquainted with, if we think before -we speak; and no one should presume to do otherwise. -When you have said a thing, if you did not reflect -before, be sure to do it afterwards; consider with yourself, -whether you could not have expressed yourself -better; and if you are in doubt of the propriety or -elegancy of any word, search for it in some dictionary,<a id='r1' /><a href='#f1' class='c010'><sup>[1]</sup></a> -or some good author, while you remember it: -Never be sparing of your trouble while you would -<span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>wish to improve, and my word for it, a very little -time will make this matter habitual.</p> - -<div class='footnote c011' id='f1'> -<p class='c012'><span class='label'><a href='#r1'>1</a>. </span>Johnson’s folio Dictionary <i>you will find very serviceable</i>; -<i>and the</i> Difference between Words reputed -synonimous; <i>a work in two volumes, written by me -some years ago, and published by Dodsley</i>.</p> -</div> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> order to speak grammatically, and to express -yourself pleasingly, I would recommend it to you to -translate often any language you are acquainted with -into English, and to correct such translation till the -words, their order, and the periods, are agreeable to -your own ear.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Vulgarism</span> in language is another distinguishing -mark of bad company and education. Expressions -may be correct in themselves, and yet be vulgar, owing -to their not being fashionable; for language and -manners are both established by the usage of people -of fashion.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> conversation of a low-bred man is filled up -with proverbs and hackneyed sayings. Instead of observing -that tastes are different, and that most men -have one peculiar to themselves, he will give you, -‘What is one man’s meat is another man’s poison;’ -or, ‘Every one to their liking, as the old woman said, -when she killed her cow.’ He has ever some favourite -word, which he lugs in upon all occasions, -right or wrong; such as <i>vastly</i> angry, <i>vastly</i> kind; -<i>devilish</i> ugly, <i>devilish</i> handsome; <i>immensely</i> great, <i>immensely</i> -little. Even his pronunciation carries the -mark of vulgarity along with it; he calls the earth, -<i>yearth</i>; finan’ces, <i>fin’ances</i>; he goes <i>to words</i>, and not -towards such a place. He affects to use hard words, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>to give him the appearance of a man of learning, but -frequently mistakes their meaning, and seldom, if -ever, pronounces them properly.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>All</span> this must be avoided, if you would not be -supposed to have kept company with footmen and -housemaids. Never have recourse to proverbial or -vulgar sayings; use neither favourite nor hard words, -but seek for the most elegant; be careful in the management -of them, and depend on it your labour will -not be lost; for nothing is more engaging than a fashionable -and polite address.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>ADDRESS, PHRASEOLOGY, and SMALL-TALK.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>In</span> all good company, we meet with a certain -manner, phraseology, and general conversation, -that distinguish the man of fashion. These can only -be acquired by frequenting good company, and being -particularly attentive to all that passes there.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>When</span> invited to dine or sup at the house of any -well-bred man, observe how he does the honors of his -table, and mark his manner of treating his company.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Attend</span> to the compliments of congratulation or -condolence that he pays; and take notice of his address -to his superiors, his equals and his inferiors; -nay, his very looks and tone of voice, are worth your -attention, for we cannot please without a union of -them all.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_34'>34</span><span class='sc'>There</span> is a certain distinguishing diction that -marks the man of fashion, a certain language of conversation -that every gentleman should be master of. -Saying to a man just married, ‘I wish you joy,’ or to -one who has lost his wife, ‘I am sorry for your loss,’ -and both perhaps with an unmeaning countenance, -may be civil, but it is nevertheless vulgar. A man -of fashion will express the same thing more elegantly, -and with a look of sincerity, that shall attract the esteem -of the person he speaks to. He will advance to -the one, with warmth and cheerfulness, and perhaps -squeezing him by the hand, will say, ‘Believe me, -my dear Sir, I have scarce words to express the joy -I feel, upon your happy alliance with such or such -a family,’ &c. To the other in affliction, he will advance -slower, and with a peculiar composure of voice -and countenance, begin his compliments of condolence -with, ‘I hope, Sir, you will do me the justice -to be persuaded, that I am not insensible of your -unhappiness, that I take part in your distress, and -shall ever be affected where <i>you</i> are so.’</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Your</span> first address to, and indeed all your conversation -with, your superiors, should be open, cheerful -and respectful; with your equals warm and animated; -with your inferiors, hearty, free and unreserved.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a fashionable kind of small-talk, which -however trifling it may be thought, has its use in -mixed companies: Of course you should endeavour -<span class='pageno' id='Page_35'>35</span>to acquire it. By small-talk, I mean a good deal to say -on unimportant matters; for example, foods, the flavour -and growth of wines, and the chit-chat of the -day. Such conversation will serve to keep off serious -subjects, that might sometimes create disputes. This -chit-chat is chiefly to be learned by frequenting the -company of the ladies.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>OBSERVATION.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>As</span> the art of pleasing is to be learnt only by -frequenting the best companies, we must endeavor -to pick it up in such companies by observation; -for, it is not sense and knowledge alone that will acquire -esteem; these certainly are the first and necessary -foundations for pleasing, but they will by no means -do, unless attended with manners and attentions.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> have been people who have frequented the -first companies all their life time, and yet have never -got rid of their natural stiffness and awkwardness; -but have continued as vulgar as if they were never -out of a servant’s hall: This has been owing to carelessness, -and a want of attention to the manners and -behaviour of others.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> are a great many people likewise who busy -themselves the whole day, and who in fact do nothing. -They have possibly taken up a book for two or three -hours, but from a certain inattention that grows upon -them the more it is indulged, know no more of the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_36'>36</span>contents than if they had not looked into it; nay, it -is impossible for any one to retain what he reads, unless -he reflects and reasons upon it as he goes on. -When they have thus lounged away an hour or two, -they will saunter into company, without attending to -any thing that passes there; but, if they think at all, -are thinking of some trifling matter that ought not to -occupy their attention; thence perhaps they go to the -play, where they stare at the company and the lights, -without attending to the piece, the very thing they -went to see. In this manner they wear away their -hours, that might otherwise be employed to their improvement -and advantage. This silly suspension of -thought they would pass for <i>absence of mind</i>—ridiculous!—Wherever -you are, let me recommend it to -you to pay an attention to all that passes; observe the -characters of the persons you are with, and the subjects -of their conversation; listen to every thing that is said, -see every thing that is done, and (according to the -vulgar saying) have your eyes and your ears about -you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A continual</span> inattention to matters that occur, -is the characteristic of a weak mind; the man who -gives way to it, is little else than a trifler, a blank in -society, which every sensible person overlooks; surely -what is worth doing, is worth doing well, and nothing -can be well done, if not properly attended to. -When I hear a man say, on being asked about any -thing that was said or done in his presence, ‘that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_37'>37</span>truly he did not mind it.’ I am ready to knock the -fool down. <i>Why</i> did not he mind it?—What else -had he to do?—A man of sense and fashion never -makes use of this paltry plea, he never complains of a -treacherous memory, but attends to and remembers -every thing that is either said or done.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Whenever</span>, then, you go into good company, -that is the company of people of fashion, observe carefully -their behaviour, their address and their manner; -imitate them as far as in your power. Your attention, -if possible, should be so ready as to observe every person -in the room at once, their motions, their looks, -and their turns of expression, and that without staring, -or seeming to be an observer. This kind of observation -may be acquired by care and practice, and will -be found of the utmost advantage to you, in the -course of life.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>ABSENCE of MIND.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Having</span> mentioned absence of mind, let me -be more particular concerning it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>What</span> the world calls an absent man, is generally -either a very affected one, or a very weak one; but -whether weak or affected, he is, in company, a very -disagreeable man. Lost in thought, or possibly in no -thought at all, he is a stranger to every one present, -and to every thing that passes; he knows not his best -friends, is deficient in every act of good manners, unobservant -<span class='pageno' id='Page_38'>38</span>of the actions of the company, and insensible -to his own. His answers are quite the reverse of what -they ought to be; talk to him of one thing, he replies, -as of another. He forgets what he said last, -leaves his hat in one room, his cane in another, and -his sword in a third; nay, if it was not for his buckles, -he would even leave his shoes behind him. Neither -his arms nor his legs seem to be a part of his body, -and his head is never in a right position. He -joins not in the general conversation, except it be by -fits and starts, as if awaking from a dream: I attribute -this either to weakness or affectation. His shallow -mind is possibly not able to attend to more than -one thing at a time; or he would be supposed wrap’d -up in the investigation of some very important matter. -Such men as Sir Isaac Newton or Mr. Locke, might -occasionally have some excuse for absence of mind! -It might proceed from that intenseness of thought -which was necessary at all times for the scientific subjects -they were studying; but, for a young man, and a -man of the world, who has no such plea to make, absence -of mind is rudeness to the company, and deserves -the severest censure.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>However</span> insignificant a company may be; however -trifling their conversation; while you are with -them, do not shew them, by an inattention, that you -think them trifling; that can never be the way to -please, but rather fall in with their weakness than otherwise; -for to mortify, or shew the least contempt -<span class='pageno' id='Page_39'>39</span>to those we are in company with, is the greatest rudeness -we can be guilty of, and what few can forgive.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I never</span> yet found a man inattentive to the person -he feared, or the woman he loved; which convinces -me, that absence of mind is to be got the better of, if -we think proper to make the trial; and believe me, -it is always worth the attempt.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Absence</span> of mind is a tacit declaration, that those -we are in company with, are not worth attending to; -and what can be a greater affront?——Besides, can -an absent man improve by what is said or done in his -presence? No; he may frequent the best companies -for years together, and all to no purpose. In short, a -man is neither fit for business nor conversation, unless -he can attend to the object before him, be that object -what it will.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>KNOWLEDGE of the WORLD.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>A knowledge</span> of the world, by our -own experience and observation, is so necessary, -that, without it, we shall act very absurdly, and frequently -give offence, when we do not mean it. All -the learning and parts in the world, will not secure us -from it. Without an acquaintance with life, a man -may say very good things, but time them so ill, and -address them so improperly, that he had much better -be silent. Full of himself, and his own business, and -inattentive to the circumstances and situations of those -<span class='pageno' id='Page_40'>40</span>he converses with, he vents it without the least discretion, -says things that he ought not to say, confuses -some, shocks others, and puts the whole company in -pain, lest what he utters next should prove worse than -the last. The best direction I can give you in this -matter, is rather to fall in with the conversation of others, -than start a subject of your own; rather strive -to put them more in conceit with themselves, than to -draw their attention to you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A novice</span> in life, he who knows little of mankind, -but what he collects from books, lays it down as a -maxim, that most men love flattery; in order therefore -to please, he will flatter. But how? Without -regard either to circumstances or occasion. Instead -of those delicate touches, those soft tints, that serve -to heighten the piece, he lays on his colours with a -heavy hand, and daubs, where he means to adorn; in -other words, he will flatter so unseasonably, and at -the same time so grossly, that while he wishes to please, -he puts out of countenance, and is sure to offend. -On the contrary, a man of the world, one who has -made life his study, knows the power of flattery as -well as he; but, then, he knows how to apply it; he -watches the opportunity, and does it indirectly, by -inference, comparison and hint.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Man</span> is made up of such a variety of matter, that -to search him thoroughly, requires time and attention; -for, though we are all made of the same materials, -and have all the same passions, yet, from a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_41'>41</span>difference in their proportion and combination, we -vary in our dispositions; what is agreeable to one is -disagreeable to another, and what one shall approve, -another shall condemn. Reason is given us to controul -these passions, but seldom does it. Application -therefore to the reason of any man, will frequently -prove ineffectual, unless we endeavour at the same time -to gain his heart.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Wherever</span> then you are, search into the characters -of men; find out if possible, their foible, their governing -passion, or their particular merit; take them on -their weak side, and you will generally succeed; their -prevailing vanity you may readily discover, by observing -their favourite topic of conversation; for every one -talks most, of what he would be thought most to excel -in.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> time should also be judiciously made choice of. -Every man has his particular times, when he may be -applied to with success, the <i>mollia tempora fandi</i>; but -these times are not all day long, they must be found -out, watched, and taken advantage of. You could -not hope for success in applying to a man about one -business, when he was taken up with another, or -when his mind was affected with excess of grief, anger, -or the like.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> cannot judge of other men’s minds better -than by studying your own; for though one man -has one foible, and another has another, yet men, in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_42'>42</span>general, are very much alike. Whatever pleases or -offends you, will, in similar circumstances, please or -offend others; if you find yourself hurt, when another -makes you feel his superiority, you will certainly upon -the common rule of right, <i>Do as you would be done -by</i>, take care not to let another feel <i>your</i> superiority, -if you have it; especially if you wish to gain his interest -or esteem. If disagreeable insinuations, open -contradictions, or oblique sneers, vex and anger you, -would you use them where you wished to please? -Certainly not. Observe then, with care, the operations -of your own mind, and you may, in a great -measure, read all mankind.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I will</span> allow that one bred up in a cloister or college, -may reason well on the structure of the human -mind; he may investigate the nature of man, and give -a tolerable account of his head, his heart, his passions, -and his sentiments: but at the same time he may -know nothing of him; he has not lived with him, -and of course knows but little how those sentiments or -those passions will work.—He must be ignorant of the -various prejudices, propensities and antipathies, that -always bias him, and frequently determine him. His -knowledge is acquired only from theory, which differs -widely from practice; and if he forms his judgment -from that alone, he must be often deceived; whereas -a man of the world, one who collects his knowledge -from his own experience and observation, is seldom -wrong; he is well acquainted with the operations of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_43'>43</span>the human mind; prys into the heart of man; reads -his words, before they are uttered; sees his actions, -before they are performed; knows what will please -and what will displease, and foresees the event of most -things.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Labour</span> then to acquire this intuitive knowledge; -attend carefully to the address, the arts and manners -of those acquainted with life, and endeavour to imitate -them. Observe the means they take, to gain the -favour, and conciliate the affections of those they associate -with; pursue those means, and you will soon -gain the esteem of all that know you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>How</span> often have we seen men governed by persons -very much their inferiors in point of understanding, -and even without their knowing it? A proof that -some men have more worldly dexterity than others; -they find out the weak and unguarded part, make -their attack there, and the man surrenders.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Now</span> from a knowledge of mankind we shall learn -the advantage of two things, the command of our -temper and countenances; a trifling, disagreeable incident -shall perhaps anger one unacquainted with life, -or confound him with shame; shall make him rave -like a madman, or look like a fool; but a man of the -world will never understand what he cannot or ought -not to resent. If he should chance to make a slip -himself, he will stifle his confusion, and turn it off -with a jest, recovering it with coolness.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_44'>44</span><span class='sc'>Many</span> people have sense enough to keep their own -secrets; but from being unused to a variety of company, -have unfortunately such a tell-tale countenance, -as involuntarily declares what they would wish to conceal. -This is a great unhappiness, and should, as -soon as possible, be got the better of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>That</span> coolness of mind, and evenness of countenance, -which prevent a discovery of our sentiments, -by our words, our actions, or our looks, are too necessary -to pass unnoticed. A man who cannot hear displeasing -things, without visible marks of anger or uneasiness; -or pleasing ones, without a sudden burst of -joy, a cheerful eye, or an expanded face, is at the -mercy of every knave; for either they will designedly -please or provoke you themselves, to catch your unguarded -looks; or they will seize the opportunity -thus to read your very heart, when another shall do it. -You may possibly tell me, that this coolness must be -natural, for if not, you can never acquire it. I will -admit the force of constitution, but people are very -apt to blame <i>that</i>, for many things they might readily -avoid. Care, with a little reflection, will soon give -you this mastery of your temper and countenance. -If you find yourself subject to sudden starts of passion, -determine with yourself not to utter a single word till -your reason has recovered itself; and resolve to keep -your countenance as unmoved as possible. As a man, -who at a card table can preserve a serenity in his looks, -under good or bad luck, has considerably the advantage -of one who appears elated with success, or cast -<span class='pageno' id='Page_45'>45</span>down with ill fortune, from our being able to read his -cards in his face, so the man of the world, having to -deal with one of these babbling countenances, will -take care to profit by the circumstance, let the consequence, -to him with whom he deals, be as injurious -as it may.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> the course of life, we shall find it necessary very -often to put on a pleasing countenance, when we are -exceedingly displeased; we must frequently seem -friendly, when we are quite otherwise. I am sensible -it is difficult to accost a man with smiles whom we -know to be our enemy; but what is to be done? On -receiving an affront, if you cannot be justified in -knocking the offender down, you must not notice the -offence; for, in the eye of the world, taking an affront -calmly is considered as cowardice.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> fools should attempt at any time to be witty upon -you, the best way is not to know their witticisms -are leveled at you, and to conceal any uneasiness it -may give you; but, should they be so plain that you -cannot be thought ignorant of their meaning, I would -recommend, rather than quarrel with the company, -joining even in the laugh against yourself; allowing -the jest to be a good one, and take it in seeming good -humour. Never attempt to retaliate the same way, -as that would imply you were hurt. Should what is -said wound your honor, or your moral character, there -is but one proper reply, which I hope you will never -be obliged to have recourse to.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_46'>46</span><span class='sc'>Remember</span> there are but two alternatives for a -gentleman; extreme politeness, or the sword. If a -man openly and designedly affronts you, call him out; -but, if it does not amount to an open insult, be outwardly -civil; if this does not make him ashamed of -his behaviour, it will prejudice every by-stander in -your favour, and instead of being disgraced, you will -come off with honor. Politeness to those we do not -respect, is no more a breach of faith, than <i>your humble -servant</i> at the bottom of a challenge; they are universally -understood to be things of course.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Wrangling</span> and quarrelling characterize a weak -mind; leave them to those who love such conduct, be -<i>you</i> always above it. Enter into no sharp contest, and -pride yourself, in shewing, if possible, more civility to -your antagonist than to any other in the company; -this will infallibly bring over all the laughers to your -side, and the person you are contending with, will be -very likely to confess you have behaved very handsomely -throughout the whole affair.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Experience</span> will teach us, that though all men -consist principally of the same materials, as I before -took notice of, yet from a difference in their proportion, -no two men are uniformly the same; we differ -from one another, and we often differ from ourselves, -that is, we sometimes do things utterly inconsistent -with the general tenor of our characters. The wisest -man may occasionally do a weak thing; the most -<span class='pageno' id='Page_47'>47</span>honest man, a wrong thing; the proudest man, a mean -thing; and the worst of men will sometimes do a good -thing. On this account, our study of mankind should -not be general; we should take a frequent view of individuals, -and though we may upon the whole, form a -judgment of the man from his prevailing passion or -his general character, yet it will be prudent not to -determine, till we have waited to see the operations -of his subordinate appetites and humours.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>For</span> example; a man’s general character may be -that of strictly honest. I would not dispute it, because, -I would not be thought envious or malevolent; -but I would not rely upon this general character, so -as to entrust him with my fortune or my life. Should -this honest man, as is not uncommon, be my rival in -power, interest, or love, he may possibly do things -that in other circumstances he would abhor; and power, -interest, and love, let me tell you, will often put -honesty to the severest trial, and frequently overpower -it. I would then ransack this honest man to the bottom, -if I wished to trust him, and as I found him, -would place my confidence accordingly.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>One</span> of the great compositions in our nature is vanity; -to which all men, more or less, give way. Women -have an intolerable share of it. No flattery, no -adulation, is too gross for many of them; those who -flatter them most, please them best; and they are most -in love with him who pretends to be most in love with -<span class='pageno' id='Page_48'>48</span>them; and the least slight or contempt of them is seldom -forgotten. It is, in some measure, the same with -men; they will sooner pardon an injury than an insult, -and are more hurt by contempt than by ill usage. -Though all men do not boast of superior talents, -though they pretend not to the abilities of a Pope, a -Newton, or a Bolingbroke, every one pretends to have -common sense, and to discharge his office in life with -common decency; to arraign, therefore, in any shape, -his abilities or integrity, in the department he holds, -is an insult he will not readily forgive.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>As</span> I would not have you trust too implicitly to a -man, because the world gives him a good character, -so I must particularly caution you against those who -speak well of themselves. In general, suspect those -who boast of or affect to have any one virtue above all -others, for they are commonly impostors. There are -exceptions however to this rule; for we hear of prudes -that have been chaste, bullies that have been brave, -and saints that have been religious. Confide only -where your own observation shall direct you; observe -not only what is said, but how it is said, and if you -have any penetration, you may find out the truth better -by your eyes than your ears; in short, never take -a character upon common report, but enquire into it -yourself; for common report, though it is right in -general, may be wrong in particulars.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Beware</span> of those who, on a slight acquaintance, -make you a tender of their friendship, and seem to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_49'>49</span>place a confidence in you; it is ten to one but they -deceive and betray you; however, do not rudely reject -them upon such a supposition; you may be civil -to them, though you do not entrust them. Silly men -are apt to solicit your friendship, and unbosom themselves -upon the first acquaintance; such friends cannot -be worth having, their friendship being as slender as -their understanding; and if they proffer their friendship -with a design to make a property of you, they are -dangerous acquaintance indeed. Not but the little -friendships of the weak may be of some use to you, if -you do not return the compliment; and it may not be -amiss to seem to accept of those designing men, keeping -them, as it were, in play, that they may not be -openly your enemies; for their enmity is the next -dangerous thing to their friendship. We may certainly -hold their vices in abhorrence, without being marked -out as their personal enemy. The general rule is, -to have a real reserve with almost every one, and a -seeming reserve with almost no one; for it is very disgusting -to seem reserved, and very dangerous not to -be so. Few observe the true medium. Many are ridiculously -mysterious upon trifles, and many indiscreetly -communicative of all they know.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a kind of short-lived friendship that takes -place among young men, from a connexion in their -pleasures only; a friendship too often attended with -bad consequences. This companion of your pleasures, -young and unexperienced, will probably, in the heat -<span class='pageno' id='Page_50'>50</span>of convivial mirth, vow a perpetual friendship, and -unfold himself to you without the least reserve; but -new associations, change of fortune, or change of -place, may soon break this ill-timed connexion, and -an improper use may be made of it. Be one, if -you will, in young companies, and bear your part like -others, in all the social festivity of youth; nay, trust -them with your innocent frolicks, but keep your serious -matters to yourself; and if you must at any time -make <i>them</i> known, let it be to some tried friend of -great experience; and that nothing may tempt him -to become your rival, let that friend be in a different -walk of life from yourself.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Were</span> I to hear a man making strong protestations -and swearing to the truth of a thing, that is in itself -probable and very likely to be, I should doubt his veracity; -for when he takes such pains to make me believe -it, it cannot be with a good design.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a certain easiness or false modesty in most -young people, that either makes them unwilling, or -ashamed to refuse any thing that is asked of them. -There is also an unguarded openness about them, that -makes them the ready prey of the artful and designing. -They are easily led away by the feigned friendships of -a knave or a fool, and too rashly place a confidence in -them, that terminates in their loss, and frequently in -their ruin. Beware, therefore, as I said before, of -these proffered friendships; repay them with compliments, -but not with confidence. Never let your -<span class='pageno' id='Page_51'>51</span>vanity make you suppose that people become your -friends upon a slight acquaintance; for good offices -must be shewn on both sides to create a friendship: It -will not thrive, unless its love be mutual; and it requires -time to ripen it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is still among young people another kind -of friendship merely nominal; warm indeed for the -time, but fortunately of no long continuance. This -friendship takes its rise from their pursuing the same -course of riot and debauchery; their purses are open -to each other, they tell one another all they know, -they embark in the same quarrels, and stand by each -other on all occasions. I should rather call this a confederacy -against good morals and good manners, and -think it deserves the severest lash of the law; but they -have the impudence to call it friendship. However, -it is often as suddenly dissolved as it is hastily contracted; -some accident disperses them, and they presently -forget each other, except it is to betray, and -to laugh at their own egregious folly.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> short, the sum of the whole is, to make a wide -difference between companions and friends; for a very -agreeable companion has often proved a very dangerous -friend.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>CHOICE of COMPANY.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>The</span> next thing to the choice of friends, is the -choice of your company.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_52'>52</span><span class='sc'>Endeavour</span>, as much as you can, to keep good -company, and the company of your superiors; for -you will be held in estimation according to the company -you keep. By superiors, I do not mean so much -with regard to birth, as merit, and the light in which -they are considered by the world.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> are two sorts of good company, the one -consists of persons of birth, rank, and fashion; the -other, of those who are distinguished by some particular -merit, in any liberal art or science, as men of letters, -&c. and a mixture of these is what I would have -understood by good company: For it is not what particular -sets of people shall call themselves, but what -the people in general acknowledge to be so, and are -the accredited good company of the place.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Now</span> and then, persons without either birth, rank, -or character, will creep into good company, under the -protection of some considerable personage; but, in general, -none are admitted of mean degree, or infamous -moral character.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> this fashionable good company alone, can you -learn the best manners and the best language; for, as -there is no legal standard to form them by, it is here -they are established.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>It</span> may possibly be questioned, whether a man has -it always in his power to get into good company; undoubtedly, -by deserving it, he has, provided he is in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_53'>53</span>circumstances which enable him to live and appear in -the stile of a gentleman. Knowledge, modesty, and -good-breeding, will endear him to all that see him; -for without politeness, the scholar is no better than a -pedant, the philosopher than a cynic, the soldier than -a brute, nor any man than a clown.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Though</span> the company of men of learning and genius -is highly to be valued and occasionally coveted, -I would by no means have you always found in such -company. As they do not live in the world, they -cannot have that easy manner and address, which I -would wish you to acquire. If you can bear a part -in such company, it is certainly advisable to be in it -sometimes, and you will be the more esteemed in other -company by being so; but let it not engross you, -lest you should be considered as one of the <i>literati</i>, -which however respectable in name, is not the way to -rise or shine in the fashionable world.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> the company which, of all others, you should -carefully avoid, is that, which, in every sense of the -word may be called <i>low</i>; low in birth, low in rank, -low in parts, and low in manners; that company, -who, insignificant and contemptible in themselves, -think it an honor to be seen with <i>you</i>, and who will -flatter your follies, nay your very vices, to keep you -with them.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Though</span> <i>you</i> may think such a caution unnecessary, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_54'>54</span>I do not; for many a young gentleman of sense and -rank, has been led by his vanity to keep such company, -till he has been degraded, vilified and undone.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> vanity I mean, is that of being the first of the -company. This pride, though too common, is idle -to the last degree. Nothing in the world lets a man -down so much. For the sake of dictating, being applauded -and admired by this low company, he is disgraced -and disqualified for better. Depend upon it, -in the estimation of mankind, you will sink or rise to -the level of the company you keep.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Be</span> it, then, your ambition to get into the best -company; and, when there, imitate their virtues, but -not their vices. You have, no doubt, often heard of -genteel and fashionable vices. These are whoring, -drinking and gaming. It has happened that some -men, even with these vices, have been admired and -esteemed. Understand this matter rightly, it is not -their vices for which they are admired; but for some -accomplishments they at the same time possess; for -their parts, their learning, or their good-breeding. -Be assured, were they free from their vices, they -would be much more esteemed. In these mixed characters, -the bad part is overlooked for the sake of the -good.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Should</span> you be unfortunate enough to have any -vices of your own, add not to their number, by adopting -the vices of others. Vices of adoption are of all -<span class='pageno' id='Page_55'>55</span>others the most unpardonable; for they have not inadvertency -to plead. If people had no vices but their -own, few would have so many as they have.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Imitate</span>, then, only the perfections you meet -with; copy the politeness, the address, the easy manners -of well-bred people; and remember, let them -shine ever so bright, if they have any vices, they are -so many blemishes, which it would be as ridiculous to -imitate, as it would, to make an artificial wart upon -one’s face, because some very handsome man had the -misfortune to have a natural one upon his.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>LAUGHTER.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Let</span> us now descend to minute matters, which, -though not so important as those we mentioned, -are still far from inconsiderable. Of these laughter is -one.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Frequent</span> and loud laughter is a sure sign of a -weak mind, and no less characteristic of a low education. -It is the manner in which low-bred men express -their silly joy, at silly things, and they call it -being merry.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I do</span> not recommend upon all occasions a solemn -countenance. A man may smile, but if he would be -thought a gentleman and a man of sense, he would by -no means laugh. True wit never made a man of -fashion laugh; he is above it. It may create a smile, -but as loud laughter shews, that a man has not the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_56'>56</span>command of himself, every one, who would wish to -appear sensible, must abhor it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A man’s</span> going to sit down, on a supposition that -he has a chair behind him, and falling for want of -one, occasions a general laugh, when the best pieces -of wit would not do it; a sufficient proof how low -and unbecoming laughter is.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Besides</span>, could the immoderate laugher hear his -own noise, or see the faces he makes, he would despise -himself for his folly. Laughter being generally -supposed to be the effects of gaiety, its absurdity is -not properly attended to; but a little reflection will -easily restrain it; and when you are told, it is a mark -of low-breeding, I persuade myself you will endeavour -to avoid it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Some</span> people have a silly trick of laughing, whenever -they speak; so that they are always on the grin, -and their faces ever distorted. This and a thousand -other tricks, such as scratching their heads, twirling -their hats, fumbling with their button, playing with -their fingers, &c. &c. are acquired from a false modesty, -at their first outset in life. Being shame-faced -in company, they try a variety of ways to keep themselves -in countenance; thus, they fall into those awkward -habits I have mentioned, which grow upon them, -and in time become habitual.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Nothing</span> is more repugnant likewise to good-breeding -<span class='pageno' id='Page_57'>57</span>than horse play of any sort, romping, throwing -things at one another’s heads, and so on. They -may pass well enough with the mob, but they lessen -and degrade the gentleman.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>SUNDRY LITTLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>I have</span> had reason to observe before, that various -little matters, apparently trifling in themselves, -conspire to form the <i>whole</i> of pleasing, as, in a -well finished portrait, a variety of colours combine to -compleat the piece. It not being necessary to dwell -much upon them, I shall content myself, with just -mentioning them as they occur.</p> - -<p class='c006'>1. <span class='sc'>To</span> do the honors of a table gracefully, is one -of the outlines of a well-bred man; and to carve -well, is an article, little as it may seem, that is useful -twice every day, and the doing of which ill, is not -only troublesome to one’s self, but renders us disagreeable -and ridiculous to others. We are always in -pain for a man, who instead of cutting up a fowl genteely, -is hacking for half an hour across the bone, -greasing himself, and bespattering the company with -the sauce. Use, with a little attention, is all that is -requisite to acquit yourself well in this particular.</p> - -<p class='c006'>2. <span class='sc'>To</span> be well received, you must, also, pay some -attention to your behaviour at table, where it is exceedingly -rude to scratch any part of your body, to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_58'>58</span>spit, or blow your nose, if you can possibly avoid it, -to eat greedily, to lean your elbows on the table, to -pick your teeth before the dishes are removed, or to -leave the table before grace is said.</p> - -<p class='c006'>3. <span class='sc'>Drinking</span> of healths is now growing out of -fashion, and is very unpolite in good company. Custom -had once made it universal, but the improved -manners of the age now render it vulgar. What can -be more rude or ridiculous than to interrupt persons -at their meals, with an unnecessary compliment? Abstain -then from this silly custom, where you find it out -of use; and use it only at those tables where it continues -general.</p> - -<p class='c006'>4. “<span class='sc'>A polite</span>” manner of refusing to comply with the -solicitations of a company, is also very necessary to be -learnt; for, a young man, who seems to have no will -of his own, but does every thing that is asked of him, -may be a very good natured fellow, but he is a very -silly one. If you are invited to drink at any man’s -house, more than you think is wholesome, you may -say, ‘you wish you could, but that so little makes -you both drunk and sick, that you should only be -bad company by doing it; of course beg to be excused.’ -If desired to play at cards deeper than you -would, refuse it ludicrously; tell them, ‘if you were -sure to lose, you might possibly sit down; but that, -as fortune may be favourable, you dread the thought -of having too much money, ever since you found -<span class='pageno' id='Page_59'>59</span>what an incumbrance it was to poor Harlequin, and -therefore you are resolved never to put yourself in -the way of winning more than such or such a sum a -day.’ This light way of declining invitations, to -vice and folly, is more becoming a young man than -philosophical or sententious refusals, which would only -be laughed at.</p> - -<p class='c006'>5. <span class='sc'>Now</span> I am on the subject of cards, I must not -omit mentioning the necessity of playing them well -and genteely, if you would be thought to have kept -good company. I would by no means recommend -playing of cards as a part of your study, lest you -should grow too fond of it, and the consequences -prove bad. It were better not to know a diamond -from a club, than to become a gambler; but as custom -has introduced innocent card-playing at most -friendly meetings, it marks the gentleman to handle -them genteely, and play them well; and as I hope -you will play only for small sums, should you lose -your money, pray lose it with temper; or win, receive -your winnings without either elation or greediness.</p> - -<p class='c006'>6. <span class='sc'>To</span> write well and correct, and in a pleasing -stile, is another part of polite education. Every man -who has the use of his eyes and his right hand, can -write whatever hand he pleases. Nothing is so illiberal -as a school-boy’s scrawl. I would not have you -learn a stiff formal hand-writing, like that of a schoolmaster, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_60'>60</span>but a genteel, legible and liberal hand, and to -be able to write quick. As to the correctness and -elegancy of your writing, attention to grammar does -the one, and to the best authors, the other. Epistolary -correspondence should not be carried on in a studied -or affected style, but the language should flow -from the pen, as naturally and as easily as it would -from the mouth. In short, a letter should be penned -in the same style, as you would talk to your friend, if -he were present.</p> - -<p class='c006'>7. <span class='sc'>If</span> writing well shews the gentleman, much more -so does spelling well. It is essentially necessary for a -gentleman, or a man of letters; one false spelling -may fix a ridicule on him for the remainder of his -life. Words in books are generally well spelled, according -to the orthography of the age; reading -therefore, with attention, will teach every one to spell -right. It sometimes happens that words are spelled -differently by different authors; but if you spell them -upon the authority of one, in estimation of the public, -you will escape ridicule. Where there is but one way -of spelling a word, by your spelling it wrong, you -will be sure to be laughed at. For a <i>woman</i> of a tolerable -education would laugh at and despise her lover, -if he wrote to her, and the words were ill spelled. Be -particularly attentive then to your spelling.</p> - -<p class='c006'>8. <span class='sc'>There</span> is nothing that a young man, at his -first appearance in life, ought more to dread, than -<span class='pageno' id='Page_61'>61</span>having any ridicule fixed on him. In the estimation -even of the most rational men, it will lessen him, but -ruin him with all the rest. Many have been undone -by a ridiculous nick-name. The causes of -nick-names among well-bred men, are generally the -little defects in manner, air, or address. To have the -appellation of ill-bred, awkward, muttering, left-legged, -or any other, tacked always to your name, -would injure you more than you are aware of. Avoid -then these little defects (and they are easily avoided) -and you need never fear a nick-name.</p> - -<p class='c006'>9. <span class='sc'>Some</span> young men are apt to think, that they -cannot be complete gentlemen, without becoming men -of pleasure; and the rake they often mistake for the -man of pleasure. A rake is made up of the meanest -and most disgraceful vices. They all combine to degrade -his character, and ruin his health and fortune. -A man of pleasure will refine upon the enjoyments -of the age, attend them with decency, and partake of -them becomingly. Indeed, he is too often less scrupulous -than he should be, and frequently has cause to -repent it. A man of pleasure, at best, is but a dissipated -being, and what the rational part of mankind -must abhor; I mention it, however, lest in taking up -the man of pleasure, you should fall into the rake; -for of two evils, always chuse the least. A dissolute, -flagitious footman may make as good a rake as a man -of the first quality. Few men can be men of pleasure; -every man may be a rake. There is a certain dignity -<span class='pageno' id='Page_62'>62</span>that should be preserved in all our pleasures: In love, -a man may lose his heart, without losing his nose; at -table, a man may have a distinguishing palate, without -being a glutton; he may love wine, without being -a drunkard; he may game, without being a gambler; -and so on. Every virtue has its kindred vice, and -every pleasure its neighbouring disgrace. Temperance -and moderation mark the gentleman; but excess -the blackguard. Attend carefully, then, to the -line that divides them; and remember, stop rather a -yard short, than step an inch beyond it. Weigh the -present enjoyment of your pleasures against the necessary -consequences of them, and I will leave you to -your own determination.</p> - -<p class='c006'>10. <span class='sc'>A gentleman</span> has ever some regard also to the -<i>choice</i> of his amusements; if at cards, he will not be -seen at cribbage, all-fours, or put; or, in sports of -exercise, at skittles, foot-ball, leap-frog, cricket, driving -of coaches, &c. but will preserve a propriety in -every part of his conduct; knowing that any imitation -of the manners of the mob, will unavoidably stamp -him with vulgarity. There is another amusement -too, which I cannot help calling illiberal, that is, -playing upon any musical instrument. Music is commonly -reckoned one of the liberal arts, and undoubtedly -is so; but to be piping or fiddling at a concert -is degrading to a man of fashion. If you love music, -hear it; pay fiddlers to play to you, but never fiddle -yourself. It makes a gentleman appear frivolous and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_63'>63</span>contemptible, leads him frequently into bad company, -and wastes that time which might otherwise be well -employed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>11. <span class='sc'>Secrecy</span> is another characteristic of good-breeding. -Be careful never to tell in one company -what you see or hear in another; much less to divert -the present company at the expense of the last. Things -apparently indifferent may, when often repeated and -told abroad, have much more serious consequences -than imagined. In conversation, there is generally a -tacit reliance, that what is said will not be repeated; -and a man, though not enjoined to secrecy, will be -excluded company, if found to be a tatler; besides, -he will draw himself into a thousand scrapes, and every -one will be afraid to speak before him.</p> - -<p class='c006'>12. <span class='sc'>Pulling</span> out your watch in company unasked, -either at home or abroad, is a mark of ill-breeding; if -at home, it appears as if you were tired of your company, -and wished them to be gone; if abroad, as if the -hours dragged heavily, and wished to be gone yourself. -If you want to know the time, withdraw; besides, -as the taking what is called French leave was -introduced, that on one person’s leaving the company -the rest might not be disturbed, looking at your watch -does what that piece of politeness was designed to prevent; -it is a kind of dictating to all present, and telling -them it is time, or almost time to break up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>13. <span class='sc'>Among</span> other things, let me caution you against -<span class='pageno' id='Page_64'>64</span>ever being in a hurry; a man of sense may be in haste, -but he is never in a hurry; convinced that hurry is -the surest way to make him do what he undertakes ill. -To be in a hurry is a proof that the business we embark -in is too great for us; of course it is the mark of -little minds, that are puzzled and perplexed, when -they should be cool and deliberate; they want to do -every thing at once, and therefore do nothing. Be -steady, then, in all your engagements; look round -you, before you begin; and remember that you had -better do half of them well, and leave the rest undone, -than to do the whole indifferently.</p> - -<p class='c006'>14. <span class='sc'>From</span> a kind of false modesty, most young men -are apt to consider familiarity as unbecoming. Forwardness -I allow is so; but there is a decent familiarity -that is necessary in the course of life. Mere formal -visits, upon formal invitations, are not the thing; -they create no connexion, nor will they prove of service -to you; it is the careless and easy ingress and -egress, at all hours, that secures an acquaintance to our -interest; and this is acquired by a respectful familiarity -entered into, without forfeiting your consequence.</p> - -<p class='c006'>15. <span class='sc'>In</span> acquiring new acquaintance, be careful not -to neglect your old, for a slight of this kind is seldom -forgiven. If you cannot be with your former acquaintance, -so often as you used to be, while you had -no others, take care not to give them cause to think -you neglect them; call upon them frequently, though -you cannot stay long with them; tell them you are -<span class='pageno' id='Page_65'>65</span>sorry to leave them so soon, and nothing should take -you away but certain engagements which good manners -oblige you to attend to; for it will be your interest -to make all the friends you can, and as few enemies -as possible. By friends, I would not be understood -to mean confidential ones; but persons who -speak of you respectfully, and who, consistent with -their own interest, would wish to be of service to you, -and would rather do you good than harm.</p> - -<p class='c006'>16. <span class='sc'>Another</span> thing I must recommend to you, as -characteristic of a polite education, and of having kept -good company, is a graceful manner of conferring favours. -The most obliging things may be done so -awkwardly as to offend, while the most disagreeable -things may be done so agreeably as to please.</p> - -<p class='c006'>17. <span class='sc'>A few</span> more articles and then I have done; -the first is on the subject of vanity. It is the common -failing of youth, and as such ought to be carefully -guarded against. The vanity I mean, is that which, -if given way to, stamps a man a coxcomb, a character -he will find a difficulty to get rid of, perhaps as long -as he lives. Now this vanity shews itself in a variety -of shapes; one man shall pride himself in taking the -lead in all conversations, and peremptorily deciding -upon every subject; another, desirous of appearing -successful among the women, shall insinuate the encouragement -he has met with, the conquests he makes, -and perhaps boasts of favours he never received; if -he speaks truth, he is ungenerous; if false, he is a villain; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_66'>66</span>but whether true or false, he defeats his own -purposes, overthrows the reputation he wishes to erect, -and draws upon himself contempt in the room of respect. -Some men are vain enough to think they acquire -consequence by alliance, or by an acquaintance -with persons of distinguished character or abilities; -hence they are eternally talking of their grand-father, -Lord such-a-one; their kinsman, Sir William such-a-one; -or their intimate friend, Dr. such-a-one, with -whom perhaps, they are scarcely acquainted. If they -are ever found out (and that they are sure to be one -time or another) they become ridiculous and contemptible; -but even admitting what they say to be true, -what then? A man’s intrinsic merit does not rise from -an ennobled alliance, or a reputable acquaintance. -A rich man never borrows. When angling for praise, -modesty is the surest bait. If we would wish to shine -in any particular character, we must never affect that -character. An affectation of courage will make a man -pass for a bully; an affectation of wit, for a coxcomb; -and an affectation of sense, for a fool. Not that I -would recommend bashfulness or timidity: No; I -would have every one know his own value, yet not -discover that he knows it, but leave his merit to be -found out by others.</p> - -<p class='c006'>18. <span class='sc'>Another</span> thing worth your attention is, if in -company with an inferior, not to let him feel his inferiority; -if he discovers it himself, without your endeavours, -the fault is not yours, and he will not blame -<span class='pageno' id='Page_67'>67</span>you; but if you take pains to mortify him, or to make -him feel himself inferior to you in abilities, fortune, -or rank, it is an insult that will not readily be forgiven. -In point of abilities, it would be unjust, as they are -out of his power; in point of rank or fortune, it is -ill-natured and ill-bred. This rule is never more necessary -than at table, where there cannot be a greater -insult than to help an inferior to a part he dislikes, or -a part that may be worse than ordinary, and to take -the best to yourself. If you at any time invite an inferior -to your table, you put him, during the time he -is there, upon an equality with you; and it is an act -of the highest rudeness to treat him in any respect, -slightingly. I would rather double my attention to -such a person, and treat him with additional respect, -lest he should even suppose himself neglected. There -cannot be a greater savageness, or cruelty, or any thing -more degrading to a man of fashion than to put upon -or take unbecoming liberties with him, whose modesty, -humility, or respect, will not suffer him to retaliate. -True politeness consists in making every body happy -about you; and as to mortify is to render unhappy, -it can be nothing but the worst of breeding. Make it -a rule, rather to flatter a person’s vanity than otherwise; -make him, if possible, more in love with himself, -and you will be certain to gain his esteem; never tell -him any thing he may not like to hear, nor say things -that will put him out of countenance, but let it be -your study on all occasions to please; this will be -making friends instead of enemies, and be a mean of -serving yourself in the end.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_68'>68</span>19. <span class='sc'>Never</span> be witty, at the expense of any one present, -nor gratify that idle inclination which is too -strong in most young men, I mean laughing at, or -ridiculing the weaknesses or infirmities of others, by -way of diverting the company, or displaying your own -superiority. Most people have their weaknesses, their -peculiar likings and aversions. Some cannot bear the -sight of a cat; others the smell of cheese, and so on; -were you to laugh at these men for their antipathies, or -by design or inattention to bring them in their way, -you could not insult them more. You may possibly -thus gain the laugh on your side, for the present, but -it will make the person, perhaps, at whose expense you -are merry, your enemy forever after; and even those -who laugh with you, will on a little reflection, fear -you and probably despise you; whereas, to procure -what <i>one</i> likes, and to remove what the <i>other</i> hates, -would shew them that they were the objects of your -attention, and possibly make them more your friends -than much greater services would have done. If you -have wit, use it to please but not to hurt. You may -shine, but take care not to scorch. In short, never -seem to see the faults of others. Though among the -mass of men there are, doubtless, numbers of fools -and knaves, yet were we to tell every one we meet -with, that we know them to be so, we should be in -perpetual war. I would detest the knave and pity the -fool, wherever I found him, but I would let neither of -them know unnecessarily that I did so; as I would -not be industrious to make myself enemies. As one -<span class='pageno' id='Page_69'>69</span>must please others then, in order to be pleased one’s -self, consider what is agreeable to you, must be agreeable -to them, and conduct yourself accordingly.</p> - -<p class='c006'>20. <span class='sc'>Whispering</span> in company is another act of -ill-breeding: It seems to insinuate either that the persons -who we would not wish should hear, are unworthy -of our confidence, or it may lead them to -suppose we are speaking improperly of them; on both -accounts, therefore, abstain from it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>21. <span class='sc'>So</span> pulling out one letter after another and reading -them in company, or cutting and paring one’s -nails, is unpolite and rude. It seems to say, we are -weary of the conversation, and are in want of some -amusement to pass away the time.</p> - -<p class='c006'>22. <span class='sc'>Humming</span> a tune to ourselves, drumming with -our fingers on the table, making a noise with our feet, -and such like, are all breaches of good manners, and -indications of our contempt for the persons present; -therefore they should not be indulged.</p> - -<p class='c006'>23. <span class='sc'>Walking</span> fast in the streets is a mark of vulgarity, -implying hurry of business; it may appear -well in a mechanic or tradesman, but suits ill with the -character of a gentleman, or a man of fashion.</p> - -<p class='c006'>24. <span class='sc'>Staring</span> at any person you meet full in the -face, is an act also of ill-breeding; it looks as if you -saw something wonderful in his appearance, and is -therefore a tacit reprehension.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_70'>70</span>25. <span class='sc'>Eating</span> quick, or very slow at meals, is characteristic -of the vulgar; the first infers poverty, that -you have not had a good meal for some time; the last, -if abroad, that you dislike your entertainment; if at -home, that you are rude enough to set before your -friends what you cannot eat yourself. So again, eating -your soup with your nose in the plate is vulgar; -it has the appearance of being used to hard work, and -of course an unsteady hand. If it be necessary then to -avoid this, it is much more so that of smelling your -meat.</p> - -<p class='c006'>26. <span class='sc'>Smelling</span> to the meat while on the fork, before -you put it in your mouth. I have seen many an -ill-bred fellow do this, and have been so angry, that -I could have kicked him from the table. If you dislike -what you have upon your plate, leave it; but on -no account, by smelling to, or examining it, charge -your friend with putting unwholesome provisions before -you.</p> - -<p class='c006'>27. <span class='sc'>Spitting</span> on the carpet is a nasty practice, -and shocking, in a man of liberal education. Were -this to become general, it would be as necessary to -change the carpets as the table-cloths; besides, it will -lead our acquaintance to suppose, that we have not -been used to genteel furniture; for this reason alone, -if for no other, by all means avoid it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>28. <span class='sc'>Keep</span> yourself free likewise from odd tricks or -habits, such as thrusting out your tongue continually, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_71'>71</span>snapping your fingers, rubbing your hands, sighing aloud, -an affected shivering of your whole body, gaping -with a noise like a country-fellow that has been sleeping -in a hay-loft, or indeed with any noise, and many -others, which I have noticed before; these are imitations -of the manners of the mob, and are degrading to -a gentleman.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A very</span> little attention will get the better of all these -ill-bred habits, and be assured, you will find your account -in it.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>EMPLOYMENT of TIME.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Employment</span> of time, is a subject, that -from its importance, deserves your best attention. -Most young gentlemen have a great deal of time before -them, and one hour well employed, in the early part -of life, is more valuable and will be of greater use to -you, than perhaps four and twenty, some years to -come.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Whatever</span> time you can steal from company, and -from the study of the world; (I say company, for a -knowledge of life is best learned in various companies) -employ it in serious reading. Take up some valuable -book, and continue the reading of that book, till you -have got through it; never burden your mind with -more than one thing at a time: And in reading this -book don’t run over it superficially, but read every passage -twice over, at least do not pass on to a second till -<span class='pageno' id='Page_72'>72</span>you thoroughly understand the first, nor quit the book -till you are master of the subject; for unless you do this, -you may read it through, and not remember the contents -of it for a week. The books I would particularly -recommend, among others, are, <i>Cardinal Retz’s -Maxims</i>, <i>Rochfaucault’s Moral Reflections</i>, <i>Bruyere’s Characters</i>, -<i>Fontenell’s Plurality of Worlds</i>, <i>Sir Josiah Child -on Trade</i>, <i>Bolingbroke’s Works</i>; for style, his <i>Remarks -on the History of England</i>, under the name of Sir John -Oldcastle; <i>Puffendorf’s Jus Gentium</i>, <i>and Grotius’ de -Jure Belli et Pacis</i>: The last two are well translated by -Barboyrac. For occasional half-hours or less, read -the best works of invention, wit and humour; but -never waste your minutes on trifling authors, either -ancient or modern.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Any</span> business you may have to transact, should be -done the first opportunity, and finished, if possible -without interruption; for by deferring it, we may probably -finish it too late, or execute it indifferently. -Now, business of any kind should never be done by -halves, but every part of it should be well attended to: -For he that does business ill, had better not do it at -all. And, in any point, which discretion bids you -pursue, and which has a manifest utility to recommend -it, let no difficulties deter you; rather let them -animate your industry. If one method fails, try a -second and a third. Be active, persevere and you will -certainly conquer.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_73'>73</span><span class='sc'>Never</span> indulge a lazy disposition; there are few -things but are attended with some difficulties, and if -you are frightened at those difficulties, you will not -compleat any thing. Indolent minds prefer ignorance -to trouble; they look upon most things as impossible, -because perhaps they are difficult. Even an hour’s -attention is too laborious for them, and they would -rather content themselves with the first view of things, -than take the trouble to look any farther into them. -Thus, when they come to talk upon subjects to those -who have studied them, they betray an unpardonable -ignorance, and lay themselves open to answers that -confuse them. Be careful then, that you do not get -the appellation of indolent; and, if possible, avoid the -character of frivolous. For,</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> frivolous mind is always busied upon nothing. -It mistakes trifling objects for important ones, and -spends that time upon little matters, that should only -be bestowed upon great ones. Knick-knacks, butterflies, -shells, and such like, engross the attention of -the frivolous man, and fill up all his time. He studies -the dress and not the characters of men, and his subjects -of conversation are no other than the weather, his -own domestic affairs, his servants, his method of managing -his family, the little anecdotes of the neighbourhood, -and the fiddle-faddle stories of the day; -void of information, void of improvement. These he -relates with emphasis, as interesting matters; in short, -he is a male gossip, I appeal to your own feelings now, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_74'>74</span>whether such things do not lessen a man, in the opinion -of his acquaintance, and instead of attracting esteem, -create disgust.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>DIGNITY of MANNERS.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a certain dignity of manners, without -which the very best characters will not be -valued.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Romping</span>, loud and frequent laughing, punning, -joking, mimickry, waggery, and too great and indiscriminate -familiarity, will render any one contemptible, -in spite of all his knowledge or his merit. These -may constitute a merry fellow, but a merry fellow was -never yet respectable. Indiscriminate familiarity, will -either offend your superiors, or make you pass for their -dependant, or toad-eater, and it will put your inferiors -on a degree of equality with you, that may be troublesome.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A joke</span>, if it carries a sting along with it, is no -longer a joke but an affront; and even if it has no -sting, unless its witticism is delicate and facetious, -instead of giving pleasure, it will disgust; or, if the -company <i>should</i> laugh, they will probably laugh at the -jester rather than the jest.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Punning</span> is a mere playing upon words, and far -from being a mark of sense: Thus, were we to say, -such a dress is <i>commodious</i>, one of these wags would -answer <i>odious</i>; or, that, whatever it has been, it is -<span class='pageno' id='Page_75'>75</span>now be <i>commodious</i>. Others will give us an answer -different from what we should expect, without either -wit, or the least beauty of thought; as, ‘<i>Where’s -my Lord?</i>’—‘<i>In his clothes, unless he is in bed.</i>’—‘<i>How -does this wine taste?</i>’—‘<i>A little moist, I think.</i>’—‘<i>How -is this to be eaten?</i>’—‘<i>With your mouth</i>;’ and so on, all -which (you will readily apprehend) are low and vulgar. -If your witticisms are not instantly approved by the -laugh of the company, for heaven’s sake, don’t attempt -to be witty for the future; for you may take it for -granted, the defect is in yourself, and not in your -hearers.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>As</span> to a mimick or a wag, he is little else than a -buffoon, who will distort his mouth and his eyes to -make people laugh. Be assured, no one person ever -demeaned himself to please the rest, unless he wished -to be thought the Merry-Andrew of the company, -and whether this character is respectable, I will leave -you to judge.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> a man’s company is coveted on any other account -than his knowledge, his good sense, or his manners, -he is seldom respected by those who invite him, but -made use of only to entertain. ‘Let’s have such-a-one, -for he sings a good song, or he is always joking or -laughing;’ or ‘Let’s send for such-a-one, for he is -a good bottle companion;’ these are degrading distinctions, -that preclude all respect and esteem. Whoever -is had (as the phrase is) for the sake of any qualification -<span class='pageno' id='Page_76'>76</span>singly, is merely that thing he is had for, is -never considered in any other light, and, of course, -never properly respected, let his intrinsic merits be -what they will.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> may possibly suppose this dignity of manners -to border upon pride; but it differs as much from -pride, as true courage from blustering.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>To</span> flatter a person right or wrong, is abject flattery, -and to consent readily to do every thing proposed by -a company, be it silly or criminal, is full as degrading, -as to dispute warmly upon every subject, and to contradict -upon all occasions. To preserve dignity, we -should modestly assert our own sentiments, though we -politely acquiesce in those of others.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>So</span> again, to support dignity of character, we should -neither be frivolously curious about trifles, nor be laboriously -intent upon little objects that deserve not a -moment’s attention; for this implies an incapacity in -matters of greater importance.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A great</span> deal likewise depends upon our air, address -and expressions; an awkward address and vulgar -expressions infer either a low turn of mind, or low -education.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Insolent</span> contempt, or low envy, is incompatible -also with dignity of manners. Low-bred persons, fortunately -lifted in the world in fine clothes and fine -equipages, will insolently look down on all those who -<span class='pageno' id='Page_77'>77</span>cannot afford to make as good an appearance, and -they openly envy those who perhaps make a better. -They also dread the being slighted; of course, are -suspicious and captious; are uneasy themselves, and -make every body else so about them.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A certain</span> degree of outward seriousness in looks -and actions gives dignity, while a constant smirk upon -the face (that insipid silly smile, which fools have when -they would be civil) and whiffling motions, are strong -marks of futility.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> above all a dignity of character is to be acquired -best by a certain firmness in all our actions. A mean, -timid and passive complaisance, lets a man down more -than he is aware of; but still his firmness and resolution -should not extend to brutality, but be accompanied -with a peculiar and engaging softness, or mildness.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> you discover any hastiness in your temper, and -find it apt to break out into rough and unguarded -expressions, watch it narrowly, and endeavour to curb -it; but let no complaisance, no weak desire of pleasing, -no wheedling, urge you to do that which discretion -forbids; but persist and persevere in all that is -right. In your connexions and friendships, you will -find this rule of use to you. Invite and preserve attachments -by your firmness; but labour to keep clear of -enemies by a mildness of behaviour. Disarm those -enemies you may unfortunately have (and few are -without them) by a gentleness of manner, but make -<span class='pageno' id='Page_78'>78</span>them feel the steadiness of your just resentment! For -there is a wide difference between bearing malice and -a determined self-defence; the one is imperious, but -the other is prudent and justifiable.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> directing your servants, or any person you have -a right to command; if you deliver your orders mildly, -and in that engaging manner which every gentleman -should study to do, you would be cheerfully, and consequently, -well obeyed; but if tyrannically, you would -be very unwillingly served, if served at all. A cool, -steady determination should shew that you will be -obeyed, but a gentleness in the manner of enforcing -that obedience should make your service a cheerful -one. Thus will you be loved without being despised, -and feared without being hated.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I hope</span> I need not mention vices. A man who -has patiently been kicked out of company, may have -as good a pretence to courage, as one rendered infamous -by his vices, may to dignity of any kind; however, -of such consequence are appearances, that an -outward decency and an affected dignity of manners -will even keep such a man the longer from sinking. -If therefore you should unfortunately have no intrinsic -merit of your own, keep up, if possible, the appearance -of it; and the world will possibly give you credit for -the rest. A versatility of manners is as necessary in -social life, as a versatility of parts in political. This -is no way blamable, if not used with an ill design. -We must, like the cameleon, often put on the hue of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_79'>79</span>persons we wish to be well with; and it surely can -never be blamable, to endeavour to gain the good will -or affection of any one, if when obtained, we do not -mean to abuse it.</p> -<h3 class='c008'><span class='sc'>RULES for CONVERSATION.</span></h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Having</span> now given you full and sufficient -instructions for making you well received in the -best companies; nothing remains but that I lay before -you some few rules for your conduct in such company. -Many things on this subject I have mentioned -before, but some few matters remain to be mentioned -now.</p> - -<p class='c006'>1. <span class='sc'>Talk</span>, then, frequently but not long together, -lest you tire the persons you are speaking to; for few -persons talk so well upon a subject, as to keep up the -attention of their hearers for any length of time.</p> - -<p class='c006'>2. <span class='sc'>Avoid</span> telling stories in company, unless they -are very short indeed, and very applicable to the subject -you are upon; in this case relate them in as few -words as possible, without the least digression, and -with some apology; as that you hate the telling of -stories, but the shortness of it induced you. And, if -your story has any wit in it, be particularly careful not -to laugh at it yourself. Nothing is more tiresome and -disagreeable than a long tedious narrative; it betrays -a gossiping disposition, and great want of imagination; -and nothing is more ridiculous than to express an approbation -of your own story, by a laugh.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_80'>80</span>3. <span class='sc'>In</span> relating any thing, keep clear of repetitions, -or very hackneyed expressions, such as, <i>says he</i>, or <i>says -she</i>. Some people will use these so often, as to take -off the hearer’s attention from the story; as, in an organ -out of tune, one pipe shall perhaps sound the whole -time we are playing, and confuse the piece, so as not -to be understood.</p> - -<p class='c006'>4. <span class='sc'>Digressions</span>, likewise, should be guarded -against. A story is always more agreeable without -them. Of this kind are, ‘<i>the gentleman I am telling you -of, is the son of Sir Thomas,—who lives in Harley street; -you must know him—his brother had a horse that won the -sweep stakes at the last Newmarket meeting—Zounds! if -you don’t know him you know nothing.</i>’ Or, ‘<i>He was -an upright tall old gentleman, who wore his own long -hair: don’t you recollect him?</i>’ All this is unnecessary; -is very tiresome and provoking, and would be an -excuse for a man’s behaviour, if he was to leave us in -the midst of our narrative.</p> - -<p class='c006'>5. <span class='sc'>Some</span> people have a trick of holding the persons -they are speaking to by the button, or the hand, in -order to be heard out; conscious, I suppose, that their -tale is tiresome. Pray, never do this; if the person -you speak to is not as willing to hear your story, as -you are to tell it, you had much better break off in the -middle; for if you tire them once, they will be afraid -to listen to you a second time.</p> - -<p class='c006'>6. <span class='sc'>Others</span> have a way of punching the person they -<span class='pageno' id='Page_81'>81</span>are talking to, in the side, and at the end of every sentence, -asking him some such questions as the following: -‘Wasn’t I right in that?’—‘You know, I told you -so?’—‘What’s your opinion?’ and the like; or perhaps -they will be thrusting him, or jogging him with -their elbow. For mercy’s sake, never give way to -this; it will make your company dreaded.</p> - -<p class='c006'>7. <span class='sc'>Long</span> talkers are frequently apt to single out -some unfortunate man present, generally the most silent -one of the company, or probably him who sits next to -him. To this man, in a kind of half-whisper they will -run on for half an hour together. Nothing can be -more ill-bred. But if one of these unmerciful talkers -should attack you, if you wish to oblige him, I would -recommend the hearing him with patience: Seem to -do so at least, for you could not hurt him more than -to leave him in the middle of his story, or discover any -impatience in the course of it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>8. <span class='sc'>Incessant</span> talkers are very disagreeable companions. -Nothing can be more rude than to engross -the conversation to yourself, or to take the words as it -were, out of another man’s mouth. Every man in -company has an equal claim to bear his part in the conversation, -and to deprive him of it, is not only unjust, -but a tacit declaration that he cannot speak so well -upon the subject as yourself; you will therefore take -it up: And, what can be more rude? I would as soon -forgive a man that should stop my mouth when I was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_82'>82</span>gaping, as take my words from me while I was speaking -them. Now, if this be unpardonable, it cannot be -less so</p> - -<p class='c006'>9. <span class='sc'>To</span> help out or forestal the slow speaker, as if you -alone were rich in expressions, and he were poor. You -may take it for granted, every one is vain enough to -think he can talk well, though he may modestly deny -it; helping a person therefore out in his expressions, -is a correction that will stamp the corrector with impudence -and ill manners.</p> - -<p class='c006'>10. <span class='sc'>Those</span> who contradict others upon all occasions, -and make every assertion a matter of dispute, betray -by this behaviour an unacquaintance with good-breeding. -He therefore who wishes to appear amiable, with -those he converses with, will be cautious of such expressions -as these, ‘That can’t be true, Sir.’ ‘The affair -is as I say.’ ‘That must be false, Sir.’ ‘If what -you say is true, &c.’ You may as well tell a man he -lies at once, as thus indirectly impeach his veracity. -It is equally as rude to be proving every trifling assertion -with a bet or a wager. ‘I’ll bet you fifty of it, -and so on.’ Make it then a constant rule, in matters -of no great importance, complaisantly to submit your -opinion to that of others; for a victory of this kind -often costs a man the loss of a friend.</p> - -<p class='c006'>11. <span class='sc'>Giving</span> advice unasked, is another piece of -rudeness; it is, in effect, declaring ourselves wiser than -those to whom we give it; reproaching them with ignorance -<span class='pageno' id='Page_83'>83</span>and inexperience. It is a freedom that ought -not to be taken with any common acquaintance, and -yet there are those, who will be offended, if their advice -is not taken. ‘Such-a-one,’ say they, ‘is above -being advised.’ ‘He scorns to listen to my advice;’ -as if it were not a mark of greater arrogance to expect -every one to submit to their opinion, than for a man -sometimes to follow his own.</p> - -<p class='c006'>12. <span class='sc'>There</span> is nothing so unpardonably rude as a -seeming inattention to the person who is speaking to you; -though you may meet with it in others, by all means, -avoid it yourself. Some ill-bred people, while others -are speaking to them, will, instead of looking at, or -attending to them, perhaps fix their eyes on the ceiling, -or some picture in the room, look out of a window, -play with a dog, their watch chain, or their cane, or -probably pick their nails or their noses. Nothing -betrays a more trifling mind than this; nor can any -thing be a greater affront to the person speaking; it -being a tacit declaration, that what he is saying is not -worth your attention. Consider with yourself how -you would like such treatment, and, I am persuaded -you will never shew it to others.</p> - -<p class='c006'>13. <span class='sc'>Surliness</span> or moroseness is incompatible also -with politeness. Such as, should any one say ‘he was -desired to present Mr. Such-a-one’s respects to you,’ -to reply, ‘What the devil have I to do with his respects?’ -‘My Lord enquired after you lately, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_84'>84</span>asked how you did,’ to answer, ‘If he wishes to -know, let him come and feel my pulse;’ and the -like. A good deal of this often is affected; but whether -affected or natural, it is always offensive. A man -of this stamp will occasionally be laughed at, as an oddity; -but in the end will be despised.</p> - -<p class='c006'>14. <span class='sc'>I should</span> suppose it unnecessary to advise you -to adapt your conversation to the company you are in. -You would not surely start the same subject, and discourse -of it in the same manner with the old and with -the young, with an officer, a clergyman, a philosopher, -and a woman. No; your good sense will undoubtedly -teach you to be serious with the serious, gay with the -gay, and to trifle with the triflers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>15. <span class='sc'>There</span> are certain expressions which are exceedingly -rude, and yet there are people of liberal -education that sometimes use them; as ‘You don’t -understand me, Sir,’ ‘It is not so.’ ‘You mistake.’ -‘You know nothing of the matter, &c.’ Is it not better -to say? ‘I believe, I do not express myself so as to be -understood.’ ‘Let us consider it again, whether we -take it right or not.’ It is much more polite and amiable -to make some excuse for another, even in cases -where he might justly be blamed, and to represent the -mistake as common to both, rather than charge him -with insensibility or incomprehension.</p> - -<p class='c006'>16. <span class='sc'>If</span> anyone should have promised you any thing, -and not have fulfilled that promise, it would be very -<span class='pageno' id='Page_85'>85</span>unpolite to tell him, he has forfeited his word; or if -the same person should have disappointed you, upon -any occasion, would it not be better to say, ‘You were -probably so much engaged, that you forgot my affair;’ -or, ‘Perhaps it slipped your memory;’ rather -than, ‘You thought no more about it,’ or ‘you pay -very little regard to your word.’ For, expressions of -this kind leave a sting behind them. They are a kind -of provocation and affront, and very often bring on lasting -quarrels.</p> - -<p class='c006'>17. <span class='sc'>Be</span> careful not to appear dark and mysterious, -lest you should be thought suspicious; than which -there cannot be a more unamiable character. If you -appear mysterious and reserved, others will be truly -so with you; and in this case there is an end to improvement, -for you will gather no information. Be -reserved, but never seem so.</p> - -<p class='c006'>18. <span class='sc'>There</span> is a fault extremely common with some -people, which I would have <i>you</i> to avoid. When their -opinion is asked, upon any subject, they will give it -with so apparent a diffidence and timidity, that one -cannot, without the utmost pain, listen to them; especially -if they are known to be men of universal knowledge. -‘Your Lordship will pardon me,’ says one of -this stamp, ‘if I should not be able to speak to the -case in hand, so well as it might be wished.’—‘I’ll -venture to speak of this matter to the best of my poor -abilities and dulness of apprehension.’—‘I fear I shall -<span class='pageno' id='Page_86'>86</span>expose myself, but in obedience to your Lordship’s -commands’—and while they are making these apologies, -they interrupt the business and tire the company.</p> - -<p class='c006'>19. <span class='sc'>Always</span> look people in the face, when you -speak to them, otherwise you will be thought conscious -of some guilt, besides, you lose the opportunity of -reading their countenances, from which you will much -better learn the impression your discourse makes upon -them than you can possibly do from their words; for -words are at the will of every one, but the countenance -is frequently involuntary.</p> - -<p class='c006'>20. <span class='sc'>If</span> in speaking to a person, you are not heard, -and should be desired to repeat what you said, do not -raise your voice in the repetition, lest you should be -thought angry, on being obliged to repeat what you -said before; it was probably owing to the hearer’s -inattention.</p> - -<p class='c006'>21. <span class='sc'>One</span> word only, as to swearing. Those who -addict themselves to it, and interlard their discourse -with oaths, can never be considered as gentlemen; they -are generally people of low education, and are unwelcome -in what is called good company. It is a vice -that has no temptation to plead, but is, in every respect, -as vulgar as it is wicked.</p> - -<p class='c006'>22. <span class='sc'>Never</span> accustom yourself to scandal, nor listen -to it; for though it may gratify the malevolence of -some people, nine times out of ten, it is attended with -<span class='pageno' id='Page_87'>87</span>great disadvantages. The very persons you tell it to, -will, on reflection, entertain a mean opinion of you, -and it will often bring you into very disagreeable situations. -And as there would be no evil speakers, if -there were no evil hearers, it is in scandal as in robbery; -the receiver is as bad as the thief. Besides, it will -lead people to shun your company, supposing that you -will speak ill of them to the next acquaintance you -meet.</p> - -<p class='c006'>23. <span class='sc'>Mimickry</span>, the favourite amusement of little -minds, has been ever the contempt of great ones. -Never give way to it yourself, nor ever encourage it -in others; it is the most illiberal of all buffoonery; it -is an insult on the person you mimick; and insults, I -have often told you, are seldom forgiven.</p> - -<p class='c006'>24. <span class='sc'>Carefully</span> avoid talking either of your own -or other people’s domestic concerns. By doing the -one, you will be thought vain; by entering into the -other, you will be considered as officious. Talking -of yourself is an impertinence to the company; your -affairs are nothing to them; besides they cannot be -kept too secret. And as to the affairs of others, what -are they to you? In talking of matters that no way -concern you, you are liable to commit blunders, and -should you touch any one in a sore part, you may possibly -lose his esteem. Let your conversation, then, in -mixed companies, always be general.</p> - -<p class='c006'>25. <span class='sc'>Jokes</span>, bon-mots, or the little pleasantries of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_88'>88</span>one company, will not often bear to be told in another; -they are frequently local, and take their rise from -certain circumstances, a second company may not be -acquainted with; these circumstances, and of course -your story, may be misunderstood, or want explaining; -and if after you have prefaced it with,—‘I will tell you -a good thing;’—the sting should not be immediately -perceived, you will appear exceedingly ridiculous, and -wish you had not told it. Never then without caution -repeat in one place, what you hear in another.</p> - -<p class='c006'>26. <span class='sc'>In</span> most debates, take up the favourable side of -the question; however, let me caution you against being -clamorous, that is, never maintain an argument -with heat, though you know yourself right; but offer -your sentiments modestly and coolly, and if this does -not prevail, give it up, and try to change the subject -by saying something to this effect—‘I find we shall -hardly convince one another, neither is there any -necessity to attempt it; so let us talk of something -else.’</p> - -<p class='c006'>27. <span class='sc'>Not</span> that I would have you give up your opinion -always; no, assert your own sentiments, and oppose -those of others, when wrong; but let your manner -and voice be gentle and engaging, and yet no ways -affected. If you contradict, do it with, ‘I may be -wrong, I won’t be positive, but I really think—I -should rather suppose—If I may be permitted to say,’ -and close your dispute with good humour, to shew that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_89'>89</span>you are neither displeased yourself nor meant to displease -the person you dispute with.</p> - -<p class='c006'>28. <span class='sc'>Acquaint</span> yourself with the character and -situations of the company you go into, before you give -a loose to your tongue; for, should you enlarge on -some virtue, which any one present may notoriously -want; or should you condemn some vice, which any -of the company may be particularly addicted to, they -will be apt to think your reflections pointed and personal, -and you will be sure to give offence. This consideration -will naturally lead you, not to suppose things -said in general, to be leveled at you.</p> - -<p class='c006'>29. <span class='sc'>Low-bred</span> people, when they happen occasionally -to be in good company, imagine themselves to -be the subject of every separate conversation. If any -part of the company whisper, it is about them; if -they laugh, it is at them; and if any thing is said -which they do not comprehend, they immediately -suppose it is meant of them. This mistake is admirably -ridiculed in one of our celebrated comedies, ‘I -am sure,’ says Scrub, ‘they were talking of me, for they -laughed consumedly.’ Now, a well-bred person never -thinks himself disesteemed by the company, or -laughed at, unless their reflections are so gross, that -he cannot be supposed to mistake them, and his honour -obliges him to resent it in a proper manner; however, -be assured, gentlemen never laugh at, or ridicule -one another, unless they are in joke, or on a footing -<span class='pageno' id='Page_90'>90</span>of the greatest intimacy. If such a thing should happen -once in an age, from some pert coxcomb, or some -flippant woman, it is better to seem not to know it, -than to make the least reply.</p> - -<p class='c006'>30. <span class='sc'>It</span> is a piece of politeness not to interrupt a -person in a story, whether you have heard it before -or not. Nay, if a well-bred man is asked whether he -has heard it; he will answer no, and let the person -go on, though he knows it already. Some are fond -of telling a story, because they think they tell it well, -others pride themselves in being the first teller of it, -and others are pleased at being thought entrusted with -it. Now, all these persons you would disappoint by -answering yes. And, as I have told you before, as -the greatest proof of politeness is to make every body -happy about you, I would never deprive a person of -any secret satisfaction of this sort, in which I could -gratify him by a minute’s attention.</p> - -<p class='c006'>31. <span class='sc'>Be</span> not ashamed of asking questions, if such -questions lead to information; always accompany them -with some excuse, and you never will be reckoned impertinent. -But abrupt questions, without some apology, -by all means avoid, as they imply design. There -is a way of fishing for facts, which, if done judiciously, -will answer every purpose, such as, taking things -you wish to know for granted; this will perhaps lead -some officious person to set you right. So again, by -saying, you have heard so and so, and sometimes seeming -to know more than you do, you will often get at -<span class='pageno' id='Page_91'>91</span>information, which you would lose by direct questions, -as these would put people on their guard, and -frequently defeat the very end you aim at.</p> - -<p class='c006'>32. <span class='sc'>Make</span> it a rule never to reflect on any body -of people, for, reflections of this nature create many -enemies. There are good and bad of all professions; -lawyers, soldiers, parsons, or citizens. They -are all men, subject to the same passions, differing only -in their manner, according to the way they have been -bred up in. For this reason, it is unjust, as well as -indiscreet, to attack them as a <span class='fss'>CORPS</span> collectively. -Many a young man has thought himself extremely -clever in abusing the clergy. What are the clergy -more than other men? Can you suppose a black gown -can make any alteration in his nature? Fie, fie; think -seriously, and I am convinced you will never do it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>33. <span class='sc'>But</span> above all, let no example, no fashion, no -witticism, no foolish desire of rising above what knaves -call prejudices, tempt you to excuse, extenuate or ridicule -the least breach of morality; but upon every -occasion, shew the greatest abhorrence of such proceedings, -and hold virtue and religion in the highest veneration.</p> - -<p class='c006'>34. <span class='sc'>It</span> is a great piece of ill-manners to interrupt -any one while speaking, by speaking yourself, or calling -off the attention of the company to any foreign -matter. But this every child knows.</p> - -<p class='c006'>35. <span class='sc'>The</span> last thing I shall mention is that of concealing -<span class='pageno' id='Page_92'>92</span>your learning, except on particular occasions. -Reserve this for learned men, and let them rather -extort it from you, than you be too willing to display -it. Hence you will be thought modest, and to have -more knowledge than you really have. Never seem -wise or more learned than the company you are in. -He who affects to shew his learning, will be frequently -questioned; and if found superficial, will be sneered -at; if otherwise, he will be deemed a pedant. Real -merit will always shew itself, and nothing can lessen -it in the opinion of the world, but a man’s exhibiting -it himself.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>For</span> God’s sake, revolve all these things seriously -in your mind, before you go abroad into life. Recollect -the observations you have yourself occasionally -made upon men and things, compare them with my -instructions, and act wisely, and consequently, as -they shall teach you.</p> -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<hr class='c013' /> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_93'>93</span> - <h2 class='c004'>A<br /><span class='xxlarge'>FATHER’S LEGACY</span><br />TO<br /><span class='xxlarge'>HIS DAUGHTERS</span>.</h2> -</div> -<p class='c005'><span class='small'>MY DEAR GIRLS</span>,</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> had the misfortune to be deprived of your -mother, at a time of life when you were insensible -of your loss, and could receive little benefit, either -from her instruction, or her example. Before this -comes to your hands, you will likewise have lost your -father.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I have</span> had many melancholy reflections on the forlorn -and helpless situation you must be in, if it should -please God to remove me from you before you arrive -at that period of life, when you will be able to think -and act for yourselves. I know mankind too well. -I know their falsehood, their dissipation, their coldness -to all the duties of friendship and humanity. I know -the little attention paid to helpless infancy. You will -meet with few friends disinterested enough to do you -good offices, when you are incapable of making them -any return, by contributing to their interest or their -pleasure, or to the gratification of their vanity.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_94'>94</span><span class='sc'>I have</span> been supported under the gloom naturally -arising from these reflections, by a reliance on the -goodness of that Providence which has hitherto preferred -you, and given me the most pleasing prospect -of the goodness of your dispositions; and by the secret -hope, that your mother’s virtues will entail a -blessing on her children.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> anxiety I have for your happiness has made me -resolve to throw together my sentiments, relating to -your future conduct in life. If I live for some years, -you will receive them with much greater advantage, -suited to your different geniuses and dispositions. If -I die sooner, you must receive them in this very imperfect -manner,—the last proof of my affection.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> will all remember your father’s fondness, when -perhaps every other circumstance relating to him is -forgotten. This remembrance, I hope, will induce -you to give a serious attention to the advices I am -now going to leave with you.—I can request this -attention with the greater confidence, as my sentiments -on the most interesting points that regard life -and manners, were entirely correspondent to your -mother’s, whose judgment and taste I trusted much -more than my own.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> must expect that the advice which I shall -give you will be very imperfect, as there are many -nameless delicacies, in female manners, of which none -but a woman can judge.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_95'>95</span><span class='sc'>You</span> will have one advantage by attending to what -I am going to leave with you; you will hear, at least -for once in your lives, the genuine sentiments of a -man, who has no interest in flattering or deceiving -you.—I shall throw my reflections together without -any studied order, and shall only, to avoid confusion -range them under a few general heads.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> will see, in a little treatise of mine just published, -in what an honourable point of view I have -considered your sex; not as domestic drudges, or the -slaves of our pleasures, but as our companions and -equals; as designed to soften our hearts and polish -our manners; and as Thomson finely says,</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c014'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><i>To raise the virtues, animate the bliss,</i></div> - <div class='line'><i>And sweeten all the toils of human life.</i></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c009'>I shall not repeat what I have there said on this subject, -and shall only observe, that from the view I -have given of your natural character and place in society, -there arises a certain propriety of conduct peculiar -to your sex. It is this peculiar propriety of -female manners of which I intend to give you my -sentiments, without touching on those general rules of -conduct by which men and women are equally bound.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>While</span> I explain to you that system of conduct -which I think will tend most to your honour and happiness, -I shall, at the same time, endeavour to point -out those virtues and accomplishment which render -you most respectable and most amiable in the eyes of -my own sex.</p> -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_96'>96</span> - <h3 class='c008'>RELIGION.</h3> -</div> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Though</span> the duties of religion, strictly speaking, -are equally binding on both sexes, yet certain -differences in their natural character and education, -render some vices in your sex particularly odious. -The natural hardiness of our hearts, and strength of -our passions, inflamed by the uncontrouled license we -are too often indulged with in our youth, are apt to -render our manners more dissolute, and make us less -susceptible of the finer feelings of the heart. Your -superior delicacy, your modesty, and the usual severity -of your education, preserve you, in a great measure, -from any temptation to those vices to which we are -most subjected. The natural softness and sensibility of -your dispositions particularly fit you for the practice of -those duties where the heart is chiefly concerned. And -this, along with the natural warmth of your imaginations, -renders you peculiarly susceptible of the feelings -of devotion.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> are many circumstances in your situation -that peculiarly require the supports of religion to enable -you to act in them with spirit and propriety. -Your whole life is often a life of suffering. You -cannot plunge into business, or dissipate yourselves -in pleasure and riot, as men too often do, when under -the pressure of misfortunes. You must bear your sorrows -in silence, unknown and unpitied. You must -often put on a face of serenity and cheerfulness, when -<span class='pageno' id='Page_97'>97</span>your hearts are torn with anguish, or sinking in despair. -Then your only resource is in the consolations -of religion. It is chiefly owing to these that you bear -domestic misfortunes better than we do.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> you are sometimes in very different circumstances, -that equally require the restraints of religion. -The natural vivacity, and perhaps the natural vanity -of your sex, are very apt to lead you into a dissipated -state of life, that deceives you, under the appearance -of innocent pleasure; but which in reality wastes -your spirits, impairs your health, weakens all the superior -faculties of your minds, and often sullies your -reputations. Religion by checking this dissipation -and rage for pleasure, enables you to draw more happiness, -even from those very sources of amusement, -which when too frequently applied to, are often productive -of satiety and disgust.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Religion</span> is rather a matter of sentiment than -reasoning. The important and interesting articles -of faith are sufficiently plain. Fix your attention on -these, and do not meddle with controversy. If you -get into that, you plunge into a chaos, from which -you will never be able to extricate yourselves. It -spoils the temper, and, I suspect, has no good effect -on the heart.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Avoid</span> all books, and all conversation, that tend -to shake your faith on those great points of religion -which should serve to regulate your conduct, and on -<span class='pageno' id='Page_98'>98</span>which your hopes of future and eternal happiness -depend.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Never</span> indulge yourselves in ridicule on religious -subjects; nor give countenance to it in others, by -seeming diverted with what they say. This, to -people of good-breeding, will be a sufficient check.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I wish</span> you to go no farther than the Scriptures -for your religious opinions. Embrace those you find -clearly revealed. Never perplex yourselves about -such as you do not understand, but treat them with -silent and becoming reverence.—I would advise you -to read only such religious books as are addressed to -the heart; such as inspire pious and devout affections, -such as are proper to direct you in your conduct, and -not such as tend to entangle you in the endless maze -of opinions and systems.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Be</span> punctual in the stated performance of your private -devotions morning and evening. If you have -any sensibility or imagination, this will establish such -an intercourse between you and the Supreme Being, as -will be of infinite consequence to you in life. It will -communicate an habitual cheerfulness to your tempers; -give a firmness and steadiness to your virtue, -and enable you to go through all the vicissitudes of -human life with propriety and dignity.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I wish</span> you to be regular in your attendance on -public worship, and in receiving the communion. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_99'>99</span>Allow nothing to interrupt your public or private devotions, -except the performance of some active duty in -life, to which they should always give place.—In your -behaviour at public worship, observe an exemplary -attention and gravity.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>That</span> extreme strictness which I recommend to -you in these duties, will be considered by many of -your acquaintance as a superstitious attachment to -forms; but in the advice I give you on this and -other subjects, I have an eye to the spirit and manners -of the age. There is a levity and dissipation in the -present manners, a coldness and listlessness in whatever -relates to religion, which cannot fail to infect you, -unless you purposely cultivate in your minds a contrary -bias, and make the devotional taste habitual.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Avoid</span> all grimace and ostentation in your religious -duties. They are the usual cloaks of hypocrisy; -at least they shew a weak and vain mind.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Do</span> not make religion a subject of common conversation -in mixed companies. When it is introduced, -rather seem to decline it. At the same time, never -suffer any person to insult you by any foolish ribaldry -on your religious opinions, but shew the same resentment -you would naturally do on being offered any -other personal insult. But the surest way to avoid -this, is by a modest reserve on the subject, and by using -no freedom with others about their religious sentiments.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_100'>100</span><span class='sc'>Cultivate</span> an enlarged charity for all mankind, -however they may differ from you in their religious -opinions. That difference may probably arise from -causes in which you had no share, and from which -you can derive no merit.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Shew</span> your regard to religion, by a distinguishing -respect to all its ministers, of whatever persuasion, who -do not by their lives dishonour their profession; but -never allow them the direction of your consciences lest -they taint you with the narrow spirit of their party.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> best effect of your religion will be a diffusive -humanity to all in distress.—Set apart a certain proportion -of your income as sacred to charitable purposes. -But in this, as well as in the practice of every -other duty, carefully avoid ostentation. Vanity is always -defeating her own purposes. Fame is one of the -natural rewards of virtue. Do not pursue her, and -she will follow you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Do</span> not confine your charity to giving money. You -may have many opportunities of shewing a tender and -compassionate spirit where your money is not wanted.—There -is a false and unnatural refinement in sensibility, -which makes some people shun the sight of every -object in distress. Never indulge this, especially -where your friends or acquaintances are concerned. -Let the days of their misfortunes, when the world forgets -or avoids them, be the season for you to exercise -your humanity and friendship. The sight of human -<span class='pageno' id='Page_101'>101</span>misery softens the heart, and makes it better; it -checks the pride of health and prosperity, and the distress -it occasions is amply compensated by the consciousness -of doing your duty, and by the secret endearments -which nature has annexed to all our sympathetic -sorrows.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Women</span> are greatly deceived, when they think they -recommend themselves to our sex by their indifference -about religion. Even those men who are themselves -unbelievers dislike infidelity in you. Every man -who knows human nature, connects a religious taste -in your sex with softness and sensibility of heart; at -least we always consider the want of it as a proof of -that hard and masculine spirit, which of all your -faults we dislike the most. Besides, men consider your -religion as one of their principal securities for that -female virtue in which they are most interested. If a -gentleman pretends an attachment to any of you, and -endeavours to shake your religious principles, be assured -he is either a fool, or has designs on you which -he dares not openly avow.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> will probably wonder at my having educated -you in a church different from my own. The reason -was plainly this: I looked on the differences between -our churches to be of no real importance, and that a -preference of one to the other was a mere matter of -taste. Your mother was educated in the church of -England, and had an attachment to it, and I had a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_102'>102</span>prejudice in favour of every thing she liked. It never -was her desire that you should be baptized by a clergyman -of the church of England, or be educated in that -church. On the contrary, the delicacy of her regard -to the smallest circumstance that could affect me in the -eye of the world, made her anxiously insist it might be -otherwise. But I could not yield to her in that kind -of generality.—When I lost her, I became still more -determined to educate you in that church, as I feel a -secret pleasure in doing every thing that appears to me -to express my affection and veneration for her memory.—I -draw but a very faint and imperfect picture of -what your mother was, while I endeavour to point -out what you should be.<a id='r2' /><a href='#f2' class='c010'><sup>[2]</sup></a></p> - -<div class='footnote c011' id='f2'> -<p class='c012'><span class='label'><a href='#r2'>2</a>. </span>The reader will remember, that such observations -as respect equally both the sexes are all along as much -as possible avoided.</p> -</div> -<h3 class='c008'>CONDUCT <span class='small'>AND</span> BEHAVIOUR.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>One</span> of the chiefest beauties in a female character -is that modest reserve, that retiring delicacy, -which avoids the public eye, and is disconcerted even -at the gaze of admiration.—I do not wish you to be -insensible to applause. If you were, you must become, -if not worse, at least less amiable women. But you -may be dazzled by that admiration, which yet rejoices -your hearts.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_103'>103</span><span class='sc'>When</span> a girl ceases to blush, she has lost the most -powerful charm of beauty. That extreme sensibility -which it indicates, may be a weakness and incumbrance -in our sex, as I have too often felt; but in -yours it is peculiarly engaging. Pedants, who think -themselves philosophers, ask why a woman should blush -when she is conscious of no crime. It is a sufficient -answer, that Nature has made you to blush when you -are guilty of no fault, and has forced us to love you -because you do so.—Blushing is so far from being necessarily -an attendant on guilt, that it is the usual -companion of innocence.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>This</span> modesty, which I think so essential in your -sex, will naturally dispose you to be rather silent in -company, especially in a large one.—People of sense -and discernment will never mistake such silence for -dulness. One may take a share in conversation without -uttering a syllable. The expression in the countenance -shews it, and this never escapes an observing -eye.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I should</span> be glad that you had an easy dignity in -your behaviour at public places, but not that confident -ease, that unabashed countenance, which seems to set -the company at defiance.—If, while a gentleman is -speaking to you, one of superior rank addresses you, -do not let your eager attention and visible preference -betray the flutter of your heart. Let your pride on -this occasion preserve you from that meanness into -which your vanity would sink you. Consider that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_104'>104</span>you expose yourselves to the ridicule of the company, -and affront one gentleman only to swell the triumph of -another, who perhaps thinks he does you honour in -speaking to you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Converse</span> with men even of the first rank with -that dignified modesty, which may prevent the approach -of the most distant familiarity, and consequently -prevent them from feeling themselves your superiors.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Wit</span> is the most dangerous talent you can possess. -It must be guarded with great discretion and good-nature, -otherwise it will create you many enemies. -It is perfectly consistent with softness and delicacy; -yet they are seldom found united. Wit is so flattering -to vanity, that those who possess it become intoxicated, -and lose all self-command.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Humour</span> is a different quality. It will make your -company much solicited; but be cautious how you -indulge it.—It is often a great enemy to delicacy, -and a still greater one to dignity of character. It -may sometimes gain you applause, but will never procure -you respect.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Be</span> even cautious in displaying your good sense. -It will be thought you assume a superiority over the -rest of the company. But if you happen to have any -learning, keep it a profound secret, especially from -the men, who generally look with a jealous and malignant -<span class='pageno' id='Page_105'>105</span>eye on a woman of great parts, and a cultivated -understanding.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A man</span> of real genius and candour is far superior -to this meanness. But such a one will seldom fall in -your way; and if by accident he should, do not be -anxious to shew the full extent of your knowledge. If -he has any opportunities of seeing you, he will soon -discover it himself; and if you have any advantages -of person or manner, and keep your own secret, he -will probably give you credit for a great deal more -than you possess.—The great art of pleasing in conversation -consists in making the company pleased with -themselves. You will more readily hear than talk -yourselves into their good graces.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Beware</span> of detraction, especially where your own -sex are concerned. You are generally accused of -being particularly addicted to this vice; I think unjustly.—Men -are fully as guilty of it when their interests -interfere. As your interests more frequently -clash, and as your feelings are quicker than ours, your -temptations to it are more frequent. For this reason, -be particularly tender of the reputation of your own -sex, especially when they happen to rival you in our -regards. We look on this as the strongest proof of -dignity and true greatness of mind.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Shew</span> a compassionate sympathy to unfortunate women, -especially to those who are rendered so by the -villany of men. Indulge a secret pleasure, I may -<span class='pageno' id='Page_106'>106</span>say pride, in being the friends and refuge of the unhappy, -but without the vanity of shewing it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Consider</span> every species of indelicacy in conversation, -as shameful in itself, and as highly disgusting to us. -All double entendre is of this sort.—The dissoluteness -of men’s education allows them to be diverted with -a kind of wit, which yet they have delicacy enough -to be shocked at, when it comes from your mouths, -or even when you hear it without pain and contempt. -Virgin purity is of that delicate nature, that it cannot -hear certain things without contamination. It is always -in your power to avoid these. No man, but -a brute or a fool, will insult a woman with conversation -which he sees gives her pain; nor will he dare -to do it, if she resent the injury with a becoming -spirit.—There is a dignity in conscious virtue which is -able to awe the most shameless and abandoned of men.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> will be reproached perhaps with prudery. By -prudery is usually meant an affectation of delicacy. -Now I do not wish you to affect delicacy; I wish you to -possess it. At any rate, it is better to run the risk of -being thought ridiculous than disgusting.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> men will complain of your reserve. They -will assure you, that a franker behaviour would make -you more amiable. But trust me, they are not sincere -when they tell you so.—I acknowledge, that on some -occasions it might render you more agreeable as companions, -but it would make you less amiable as women; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_107'>107</span>an important distinction which many of your sex -are not aware of.—After all, I wish you to have great -ease and openness in your conversation. I only point -out some considerations which ought to regulate your -behaviour in that respect.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Have</span> a sacred regard to truth. Lying is a mean -and despicable vice.—I have known some women of -excellent parts, who were so much addicted to it, that -they could not be trusted in the relation of any story, -especially if it contained any thing of the marvellous, -or if they themselves were the heroines of the tale. -This weakness did not proceed from a bad heart, but -was merely the effect of vanity, or an unbridled imagination.—I -do not mean to censure that lively embellishment -of a humorous story, which is only intended -to promote innocent mirth.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a certain gentleness of spirit and manners -extremely engaging in your sex; not that indiscriminate -attention, that unmeaning simper, which smiles -on all alike. This arises, either from an affectation -of softness, or from perfect insipidity.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a species of refinement in luxury, just -beginning to prevail among the gentlemen of this -country, to which our ladies are yet as great strangers -as any women upon earth; I hope, for the honour of -the sex, they may ever continue so: I mean, the -luxury of eating. It is a despicable selfish vice in -men, but in your sex it is beyond expression indelicate -and disgusting.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_108'>108</span><span class='sc'>Every</span> one who remembers a few years back, is -sensible of a very striking change in the attention and -respect formerly paid by the gentlemen to the ladies. -Their drawing-rooms are deserted; and after dinner -and supper, the gentlemen are impatient till they retire. -How they came to lose this respect, which nature -and politeness so well intitle them to, I shall not -here particularly inquire. The revolutions of manners -in any country depend on causes very various -and complicated. I shall only observe, that the behaviour -of the ladies in the last age was very reserved -and stately. It would now be reckoned ridiculously -stiff and formal. Whatever it was, it had certainly -the effect of making them more respected.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A fine</span> woman, like other fine things in nature, -has her proper point of view, from which she may be -seen to most advantage. To fix this point requires -great judgment, and an intimate knowledge of the -human heart. By the present mode of female manners, -the ladies seem to expect that they shall regain -their ascendancy over us, by the fullest display of their -personal charms, by being always in our eye at public -places, by conversing with us with the same unreserved -freedom as we do with one another; in short, by resembling -us as nearly as they possibly can.—But a -little time and experience will shew the folly of this -expectation and conduct.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> power of a fine woman over the hearts of men, -men of the finest parts, is even beyond what she -<span class='pageno' id='Page_109'>109</span>conceives. They are sensible of the pleasing illusion, -but they cannot, nor do they wish to dissolve it. But -if she is determined to dispel the charm, it certainly -is in her power: she may soon reduce the angel to -a very ordinary girl.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a native dignity, an ingenuous modesty -to be expected in your sex, which is your natural protection -from the familiarities of the men, and which -you should feel previous to the reflection that it is -your interest to keep yourselves sacred from all personal -freedoms. The many nameless charms and -endearments of beauty should be reserved to bless the -arms of the happy man to whom you give your heart, -but who, if he has the least delicacy, will despise them, -if he knows that they have been prostituted to fifty -men before him.—The sentiment, that a woman may -allow all innocent freedoms, provided her virtue is -secure, is both grossly indelicate and dangerous, and -has proved fatal to many of your sex.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Let</span> me now recommend to your attention that -elegance, which is not so much a quality itself, as -the high polish of every other. It is what diffuses an -ineffable grace over every look, every motion, every -sentence you utter. It gives that charm to beauty -without which it generally fails to please. It is partly -a personal quality, in which respect it is the gift of -nature; but I speak of it principally as a quality of -the mind. In a word, it is the perfection of taste in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_110'>110</span>life and manners;—every virtue and every excellence, -in their most graceful and amiable forms.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> may perhaps think that I want to throw every -spark of nature out of your composition, and to make -you entirely artificial. Far from it. I wish you to -possess the most perfect simplicity of heart and manners. -I think you may possess dignity without pride, -affability without meanness, and simple elegance -without affectation. Milton had my idea, when he -says of Eve,</p> - -<p class='c006'><i>Grace was in all her steps, Heaven in her eye, In every -gesture dignity and love.</i></p> -<h3 class='c008'>AMUSEMENTS.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>Every</span> period of life has amusements which -are natural and proper to it. You may indulge -the variety of your tastes in these, while you keep -within the bounds of that propriety which is suitable -to your sex.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Some</span> amusements are conducive to health, as various -kinds of exercise: some are connected with -qualities really useful, as different kinds of women’s -work, and all the domestic concerns of a family: some -are elegant accomplishments, as dress, dancing, music, -and drawing. Such books as improve your understanding, -enlarge your knowledge, and cultivate your -taste, may be considered in a higher point of view -<span class='pageno' id='Page_111'>111</span>than mere amusements. There are a variety of others, -which are neither useful nor ornamental, such as play -of different kinds.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I would</span> particularly recommend to you those exercises -that oblige you to be much abroad in the open -air, such as walking, and riding on horse back. This -will give vigour to your constitutions, and a bloom to -your complexions. If you accustom yourselves to go -abroad always in chairs and carriages, you will soon -become so enervated, as to be unable to go out of doors -without them. They are like most articles of luxury, -useful and agreeable when judiciously used; but when -made habitual, they become both insipid and pernicious.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>An</span> attention to your health is a duty you owe to -yourselves and to your friends. Bad health seldom -fails to have an influence on the spirits and temper. -The finest geniuses, the most delicate minds, have -very frequently a correspondent delicacy of bodily -constitutions, which they are too apt to neglect. -Their luxury lies in reading and late hours, equal -enemies to health and beauty.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> though good health be one of the greatest -blessings of life, never make a boast of it, but enjoy it -in grateful silence. We so naturally associate the idea -of female softness and delicacy with a correspondent -delicacy of constitution, that when a woman speaks of -her great strength, her extraordinary appetite, her -<span class='pageno' id='Page_112'>112</span>ability to bear excessive fatigue, we recoil at the description -in a way she is little aware of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> intention of your being taught needlework, -knitting, and such like, is not on account of the intrinsic -value of all you can do with your hands, which -is trifling, but to enable you to judge more perfectly -of that kind of work, and to direct the execution of it -in others. Another principal end is to enable you to -fill up, in a tolerably agreeable way, some of the many -solitary hours you must necessarily pass at home. It -is a great article in the happiness of life, to have your -pleasures as independent of others as possible. By -continually gadding abroad in search of amusement, -you lose the respect of all your acquaintances, whom -you oppress with those visits, which, by a more discreet -management, might have been courted.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> domestic economy of a family is entirely a -woman’s province, and furnishes a variety of subjects -for the exertion both of good sense and good taste. If -you ever come to have the charge of a family, it ought -to engage much of your time and attention; nor can -you be excused from this by any extent of fortune, -though with a narrow one the ruin that follows the -neglect of it may be more immediate.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I am</span> at the greatest loss what to advise you in regard -to books. There is no impropriety in your -reading history, or cultivating any art or science to -which genius or accident leads you. The whole volume -<span class='pageno' id='Page_113'>113</span>of Nature lies open to your eye, and furnishes -an infinite variety of entertainment. If I was sure -that nature had given you such strong principles of -taste and sentiment as would remain with you, and -influence your future conduct, with the utmost pleasure -would I endeavour to direct your reading in such -a way as might form that taste to the utmost perfection -of truth and elegance. “But when I reflect how easy -it is to warm a girl’s imagination, and how difficult -deeply and permanently to affect her heart; how readily -she enters into every refinement of sentiment, and -how easily she can sacrifice them to vanity or convenience;” -I think I may very probably do you an injury by -artificially creating a taste, which, if Nature never gave -it you, would only serve to embarrass your future -conduct.—I do not want to <i>make</i> you any thing: I want -to know what Nature has made you, and to perfect -you on her plan. I do not wish you to have sentiments -that might perplex you: I wish you to have sentiments -that may uniformly and steadily guide you, and -such as your hearts so thoroughly approve, that you -would not forego them for any consideration this world -could offer.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Dress</span> is an important article in female life. The -love of dress is natural to you, and therefore it is proper -and reasonable. Good sense will regulate your -expence in it, and good taste will direct you to dress -in such a way as to conceal any blemishes, and set off -<span class='pageno' id='Page_114'>114</span>your beauties, if you have any, to the greatest advantage. -But much delicacy and judgement are required in the -application of this rule. A fine woman shews her -charms to most advantage, when she seems most to -conceal them. The finest bosom in nature is not so -fine as what imagination forms. The most perfect -elegance of dress appears always the most easy, and -the least studied.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Do</span> not confine your attention to dress to your public -appearances. Accustom yourselves to an habitual -neatness, so that in the most careless undress, in your -unguarded hours, you may have no reason to be ashamed -of your appearance.—You will not easily believe -how much we consider your dress as expressive of your -characters. Vanity, levity, slovenliness, folly, appear -through it. An elegant simplicity is an equal -proof of taste and delicacy.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> dancing, the principal points you are to attend -to are ease and grace. I would have you to dance -with spirit; but never allow yourselves to be so far -transported with mirth, as to forget the delicacy of -your sex.—Many a girl dancing in the gaiety and -innocence of her heart, is thought to discover a spirit -she little dreams of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I know</span> no entertainment that gives such pleasure -to any person of sentiment or humour, as the theatre. -But I am sorry to say, there are few English comedies -a lady can see, without a shock to delicacy. You will -<span class='pageno' id='Page_115'>115</span>not readily suspect the comments gentlemen make on -your behaviour on such occasions. Men are often best -acquainted with the most worthless of your sex, and -from them too readily form their judgment of the rest. -A virtuous girl often hears very indelicate things with -a countenance no wise embarrassed, because in truth -she does not understand them. Yet this is, most ungenerously, -ascribed to that command of features, and -that ready presence of mind, which you are thought -to possess in a degree far beyond us; or, by still more -malignant observers, it is ascribed to hardened effrontery.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Sometimes</span> a girl laughs with all the simplicity of -unsuspecting innocence, for no other reason but being -infected with other people’s laughing: she is then -believed to know more than she should do.—If she -does happen to understand an improper thing, she -suffers a very complicated distress: she feels her modesty -hurt in the most sensible manner, and at the same -time is ashamed of appearing conscious of the injury. -The only way to avoid these inconveniencies, is never -to go to a play that is particularly offensive to delicacy.—Tragedy -subjects you to no such distress.—Its -sorrows will soften and ennoble your hearts.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I need</span> say little about gaming, the ladies in this -country being as yet almost strangers to it. It is a -ruinous and incurable vice; and as it leads to all the -selfish and turbulent passions, is peculiarly odious in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_116'>116</span>your sex. I have no objection to your playing a little -at any kind of game, as a variety in your amusements, -provided that what you can possibly lose is such a trifle -as can neither interest nor hurt you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> this, as well as in all important points of conduct, -shew a determined resolution and steadiness. -This is not in the least inconsistent with that softness -and gentleness so amiable in your sex. On the contrary, -it gives that spirit to a mild and sweet disposition, -without which it is apt to degenerate into insipidity. -It makes you respectable in your own eyes, -and dignifies you in ours.</p> -<h3 class='c008'>FRIENDSHIP, LOVE, MARRIAGE.</h3> - -<p class='c009'><span class='sc'>The</span> luxury and dissipation that prevail in genteel -life, as they corrupt the heart in many respects, -so they render it incapable of warm, sincere, -and steady friendship. A happy choice of friends will -be of the utmost consequence to you, as they may assist -you by their advice and good offices. But the immediate -gratification which friendship affords to a warm, -open and ingenuous heart, is of itself a sufficient motive -to court it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> the choice of your friends, have principal -regard to goodness of heart and fidelity. If they -also possess taste and genius, that will still make them -more agreeable and useful companions. You have -particular reason to place confidence in those who -<span class='pageno' id='Page_117'>117</span>have shewn affection for you in your early days, when -you were incapable of making them any return. -This is an obligation for which you cannot be too -grateful: When you read this, you will naturally -think of your mother’s friend, to whom you owe so -much.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> you have the good fortune to meet with any who -deserve the name of friends, unbosom yourself to -them with the most unsuspicious confidence. It is -one of the world’s maxims, never to trust any person -with a secret, the discovery of which could give you -any pain; but it is the maxim of a little mind and -a cold heart, unless where it is the effect of frequent -disappointments and bad usage. An open temper, if -restrained but by tolerable prudence, will make you, -on the whole, much happier than a reserved suspicious -one, although you may sometimes suffer by it. Coldness -and distrust are but the too certain consequences -of age and experience; but they are unpleasant feelings, -and need not be anticipated before their time.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> however open you may be in talking of your -own affairs, never disclose the secrets of one friend to -another. These are sacred deposites, which do not -belong to you, nor have you any right to make use -of them.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is another case, in which I suspect it is -proper to be secret, not so much from motives of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_118'>118</span>prudence, as delicacy. I mean in love matters. -Though a woman has no reason to be ashamed of an -attachment to a man of merit, yet nature, whose -authority is superior to philosophy, has annexed a -sense of shame to it. It is even long before a woman -of delicacy dares avow to her own heart that she -loves; and when all the subterfuges of ingenuity to -conceal it from herself fail, she feels a violence done -both to her pride and to her modesty. This, I should -imagine, must always be the case where she is not sure -of a return to her attachment.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> such a situation, to lay the heart open to any -person whatever, does not appear to me consistent -with the perfection of female delicacy. But perhaps -I am in the wrong.—At the same time I must tell -you, that, in point of prudence, it concerns you to -attend well to the consequences of such a discovery. -These secrets, however important in your own estimation, -may appear very trifling to your friend, who -possibly will not enter into your feelings, but may -rather consider them as a subject of pleasantry. For -this reason, love-secrets are of all others the worst -kept. But the consequences to you may be very -serious, as no man of spirit and delicacy ever valued -a heart much hackneyed in the ways of love.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span>, therefore, you must have a friend to pour out -your heart to, be sure of her honour and secrecy. -Let her not be a married woman, especially if she -<span class='pageno' id='Page_119'>119</span>lives happily with her husband, There are certain -unguarded moments, in which such a woman, though -the best and worthiest of her sex, may let hints escape, -which at other times, or to any other person than her -husband, she would be incapable of; nor will a husband -in this case feel himself under the same obligation -of secrecy and honour, as if you had put your -confidence originally in himself, especially on a subject -which the world is apt to treat so lightly.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> all other circumstances are equal, there are obvious -advantages in your making friends of one another. -The ties of blood, and your being so much -united in one common interest, form an additional -bond of union to your friendship. If your brothers -should have the good fortune to have hearts susceptible -of friendship, to possess truth, honour, sense, and -delicacy of sentiment, they are the fittest and most -unexceptionable confidants. By placing confidence -in them, you will receive every advantage which you -could hope for from the friendship of men, without -any of the inconveniencies that attend such connexions -with our sex.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Beware</span> of making confidants of your servants. -Dignity not properly understood very readily degenerates -into pride, which enters into no friendships, -because it cannot bear an equal, and is so fond of -flattery as to grasp at it even from servants and dependants. -The most intimate confidants, therefore, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_120'>120</span>of proud people are valets-de-chamber and waiting -women. Shew the utmost humanity to your servants; -make their situation as comfortable to them -as is possible: but if you make them your confidants, -you spoil them, and debase yourselves.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Never</span> allow any person, under the pretended -sanction of friendship, to be so familiar as to lose a -proper respect for you. Never allow them to tease -you on any subject that is disagreeable, or where you -have once taken your resolution. Many will tell -you, that this reserve is inconsistent with the freedom -which friendship allows. But a certain respect is as -necessary in friendship as in love. Without it, you -may be liked as a child, but you will never be beloved -as an equal.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> temper and dispositions of the heart in your -sex make you enter more readily and warmly into -friendships than men. Your natural propensity to -it is so strong, that you often run into intimacies -which you soon have sufficient cause to repent of; -and this makes your friendships so very fluctuating.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Another</span> great obstacle to the sincerity as well -as steadiness of your friendships is the great clashing -of your interests in the pursuits of love, ambition, -or vanity. For these reasons, it should appear at -first view more eligible for you to contract your -friendships with the men. Among other obvious -advantages of an easy intercourse between the two -<span class='pageno' id='Page_121'>121</span>sexes, it occasions an emulation and exertion in each -to excel and be agreeable: hence their respective excellencies -are mutually communicated and blended.—As -their interests in no degree interfere, there can be -no foundation for jealousy or suspicion of rivalship. -The friendship of a man for a woman is always blended -with a tenderness, which he never feels for one of his -own sex, even where love is in no degree concerned. -Besides we are conscious of a natural title you have to -our protection and good offices, and therefore we feel -an additional obligation of honour to serve you, and -to observe an inviolable secrecy, whenever you confide -in us.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> apply these observations with great caution. -Thousands of women of the best hearts and finest parts -have been ruined by men who approached them under -the specious name of friendship. But supposing a -man to have the most undoubted honour, yet his -friendship to a woman is so near a-kin to love, that if -she be very agreeable in her person, she will probably -very soon find a lover, where she only wished to meet -a friend. Let me here, however, warn you against -that weakness so common among vain women, the -imagination that every man who takes particular notice -of you is a lover. Nothing can expose you more to -ridicule, than the taking up a man on the suspicion of -being your lover, who perhaps never once thought of -you in that view, and giving yourselves those airs so -common among silly women on such occasions.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_122'>122</span><span class='sc'>There</span> is a kind of unmeaning gallantry much -practised by some men, which, if you have any discernment, -you will find really harmless. Men of this sort -will attend you to public places, and be useful to you -by a number of little observances, which those of a superior -class do not so well understand, or have not leisure -to regard, or perhaps are too proud to submit to. -Look on the compliments of such men as words of -course, which they repeat to every agreeable woman of -their acquaintance. There is a familiarity they are -apt to assume, which a proper dignity in your behaviour -will be easily able to check.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a different species of men whom you may -like as agreeable companions, men of worth, taste and -genius, whose conversation, in some respects, may be -superior to what you generally meet with among your -own sex. It will be foolish in you to deprive yourselves -of an useful and agreeable acquaintance, merely -because idle people say he is your lover. Such a man -may like your company, without having any design on -your person.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>People</span> whose sentiments, and particularly whose -tastes correspond, naturally like to associate together, -although neither of them have the most distant view -of any further connexion. But as this similarity of -minds often gives rise to a more tender attachment -than friendship, it will be prudent to keep a watchful -eye over yourselves, lest your hearts become too far -<span class='pageno' id='Page_123'>123</span>engaged before you are aware of it. At the same -time, I do not think that your sex, at least in this part -of the world, have much of that sensibility which disposes -to such attachments. What is commonly called -love among you is rather gratitude, and a partiality to -the man who prefers you to the rest of your sex; and -such a man you often marry, with little of either personal -esteem or affection. Indeed, without an unusual -share of natural sensibility, and very peculiar good -fortune, a woman in this country has very little probability -of marrying for love.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>It</span> is a maxim laid down among you, and a very -prudent one it is. That love is not to begin on your -part, but is entirely to be the consequence of our attachment -to you. Now, supposing a woman to have -sense and taste, she will not find many men to whom -she can possibly be supposed to bear any considerable -share of esteem. Among these few, it is a very great -chance if any of them distinguishes her particularly. -Love, at least with us, is exceedingly capricious, and -will not always fix where reason says it should. But -supposing one of them should become particularly attached -to her, it is still extremely improbable that he -should be the man in the world her heart most approved -of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>As</span>, therefore, Nature has not given you that unlimited -range in your choice which we enjoy, she has -wisely and benevolently assigned to you a greater flexibility -of taste on this subject. Some agreeable qualities -<span class='pageno' id='Page_124'>124</span>recommend a gentleman to your common good -liking and friendship. In the course of his acquaintance, -he contracts an attachment to you. When you -perceive it, it excites your gratitude; this gratitude -rises into a preference, and this preference perhaps at -last advances to some degree of attachment, especially -if it meets with crosses and difficulties, for these, and -a state of suspense, are very great incitements to attachment, -and are the food of love in both sexes. If attachment -was not excited in your sex in this manner, -there is not one of a million of you that could ever -marry with any degree of love.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A man</span> of taste and delicacy marries a woman because -he loves her more than any other. A woman of -equal taste and delicacy marries him because she -esteems him, and because he gives her that preference. -But if a man unfortunately becomes attached to a woman -whose heart is secretly pre-engaged, his attachment, -instead of obtaining a suitable return, is particularly -offensive; and if he persists to teaze her, he -makes himself equally the object of her scorn and -aversion.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> effects of love among men are diversified by -their different tempers. An artful man may counterfeit -every one of them so as easily to impose on a -young girl of an open, generous, and feeling heart, if -she is not extremely on her guard. The finest parts in -such a girl may not always prove sufficient for her security. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_125'>125</span>The dark and crooked paths of cunning are -unsearchable, and inconceivable to an honourable and -elevated mind.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>The</span> following, I apprehend, are the most genuine -effects of an honourable passion among the men, and -the most difficult to counterfeit. A man of delicacy -often betrays his passion by his too great anxiety to -conceal it, especially if he has little hopes of success. -True love, in all its stages, seeks concealment, and -never expects success. It renders a man not only respectful, -but timid to the highest degree in his behaviour -to the woman he loves. To conceal the awe he -stands in of her, he may sometimes affect pleasantry, -but it sits aukwardly on him, and he quickly relapses -into seriousness, if not into dulness. He magnifies all -her real perfections in his imagination, and is either -blind to her failings, or converts them into beauties. -Like a person conscious of guilt, he is jealous that -every eye observes him; and to avoid this, he shuns -all the little observances of common gallantry.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>His</span> heart and his character will be improved in -every respect by his attachment. His manners will -become more gentle, and his conversation more agreeable; -but diffidence and embarrassment will always -make him appear to disadvantage in the company of -his mistress. If the fascination continue long, it will -totally depress his spirit, and extinguish every active, -vigorous and manly principle of his mind. You will -<span class='pageno' id='Page_126'>126</span>find this subject beautifully and pathetically painted -in Thomson’s Spring.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>When</span> you observe in a gentleman’s behaviour -these marks which I have described above, reflect seriously -what you are to do. If his attachment is -agreeable to you, I leave you to do as nature, good -sense, and delicacy shall direct you. If you love him -let me advise you never to discover to him the full extent -of your love, no not although you marry him. -That sufficiently shews your preference, which is all -he is entitled to know. If he has delicacy, he will ask -for no stronger proof of your affection for your sake; -if he has sense, he will not ask it for his own. This -is an unpleasant truth, but it is my duty to let you -know it; violent love cannot subsist, at least cannot -be expressed, for any time together, on both sides; -otherwise the certain consequence, however concealed, -is satiety and disgust. Nature in this case has laid -the reserve on you.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> you see evident proofs of a gentleman’s attachment, -and are determined to shut your heart against -him, as you ever hope to be used with generosity by -the person who shall engage your own heart, treat him -honourably and humanely. Do not let him linger in -a miserable suspense, but be anxious to let him know -your sentiments with regard to him.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>However</span> people’s hearts may deceive them, there -is scarcely a person that can love for any time without -<span class='pageno' id='Page_127'>127</span>at least some distant hope of success. If you really -wish to undeceive a lover, you may do it in a variety -of ways. There is a certain species of easy familiarity -in your behaviour, which may satisfy him, if he has -any discernment left, that he has nothing to hope for. -But perhaps your particular temper may not admit of -this.—You may easily shew that you want to avoid -his company; but if he is a man whose friendship you -wish to preserve, you may not chuse this method, because -then you lose him in every capacity.—You may -get a common friend to explain matters to him, or -fall on many other devices, if you are seriously anxious -to put him out of suspense.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> if you are resolved against every such method, -at least do not shun opportunities of letting him explain -himself. If you do this, you act barbarously -and unjustly. If he brings you to an explanation, -give him a polite, but resolute and decisive answer. -In whatever way you convey your sentiments to him, -if he is a man of spirit and delicacy, he will give you -no further trouble, nor apply to your friends for their -intercession. This last is a method of courtship which -every man of spirit will disdain.—He will never whine -nor sue for your pity. That would mortify him almost -as much as your scorn. In short, you may possibly -break such a heart, but you cannot bend it.—Great -pride always accompanies delicacy, however -concealed under the appearance of the utmost gentleness -<span class='pageno' id='Page_128'>128</span>and modesty, and is the passion of all others the -most difficult to conquer.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is a case where a woman may coquette -justifiably to the utmost verge which her conscience -will allow. It is where a gentleman purposely declines -to make his addresses, till such time as he thinks -himself perfectly sure of her consent. This at bottom -is intended to force a woman to give up the undoubted -privilege of her sex, the privilege of her refusing; -it is intended to force her to explain herself, in effect, -before the gentleman deigns to do it, and by this -mean to oblige her to violate the modesty and delicacy -of her sex, and to invert the clearest order of nature. -All this sacrifice is proposed to be made merely -to gratify a most despicable vanity in a man who -would degrade the very woman whom he wishes to -make his wife.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>It</span> is of great importance to distinguish, whether a -gentleman who has the appearance of being your lover -delays to speak explicitly, from the motive I have -mentioned, or from a diffidence inseparable from true -attachment. In the one case, you can scarcely use -him too ill: in the other, you ought to use him with -great kindness: and the greatest kindness you can -shew him, if you are determined not to listen to his -addresses, is to let him know it as soon as possible.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I know</span> the many excuses with which women endeavour -to justify themselves to the world, and to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_129'>129</span>their own consciences, when they act otherwise. -Sometimes they plead ignorance, or at least uncertainty, -of the gentleman’s real sentiments. That may -sometimes be the case. Sometimes they plead the -decorums of their sex, which enjoin an equal behaviour -to all men, and forbid them to consider any man -as a lover, till he has directly told them so.—Perhaps -few women carry their ideas of female delicacy and -decorum so far as I do. But I must say, you are not -entitled to plead the obligation of these virtues, in -opposition to the superior ones of gratitude, justice, -and humanity. The man is entitled to all these, who -prefers you to the rest of your sex, and perhaps whose -greatest weakness is this very preference. The truth of -the matter is, vanity, and the love of admiration, are -so prevailing passions among you, that you may be -considered to make a very great sacrifice whenever you -give up a lover, till every art of coquetry fails to keep -him, or till he forces you to an explanation. You -can be fond of the love, when you are indifferent to, -or even when you despise the lover.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> the deepest and most artful coquetry is employed -by women of superior taste and sense, to engage -and fix the heart of a man whom the world and -whom they themselves esteem, although they are firmly -determined never to marry him. But his conversation -amuses them, and his attachment is the highest -gratification to their vanity; nay, they can sometimes -<span class='pageno' id='Page_130'>130</span>be gratified with the utter ruin of his fortune, fame, -and happiness.—God forbid I should ever think so of -all your sex. I know many of them have principles, -have generosity and dignity of soul that elevates them -above the worthless vanity I have been speaking of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Such</span> a woman, I am persuaded, may always convert -a lover, if she cannot give him her affections, into -a warm and steady friend, provided he is a man of -sense, resolution, and candour. If she explains herself -to him with a generous openness and freedom, he -must feel the stroke as a man; but he will likewise -bear it as a man: what he suffers he will suffer in silence. -Every sentiment of esteem will remain; but -love though it requires very little food, and is easily -surfeited with too much, yet it requires some. He -will view her in the light of a married woman; and -though passion subsides, yet a man of a candid and -generous heart always retains a tenderness for a woman -he has once loved, and who has used him well, -beyond what he feels for any other of her sex.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> he has not confided his own secret to any body, -he has an undoubted title to ask you not to divulge it. -If a woman chuses to trust any of her companions -with her own unfortunate attachments, she may, as it -is her own affair alone: but if she has any generosity -or gratitude, she will not betray a secret which does -not belong to her.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Male</span> coquetry is much more inexcusable than female, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_131'>131</span>as well as more pernicious; but it is rare in this -country. Very few men will give themselves the trouble -to gain or retain any woman’s affections, unless they -have views on her either of an honourable or dishonourable -kind. Men employed in the pursuits of business, -ambition, or pleasure, will not give themselves -the trouble to engage a woman’s affections merely from -the vanity of conquest, and of triumphing over the -heart of an innocent and defenceless girl. Besides, -people never value much what is entirely in their power. -A man of parts, sentiment, and address, if he lays -aside all regard to truth and humanity, may engage the -hearts of fifty women at the same time, and may likewise -conduct his coquetry with so much art, as to put it -out of the power of any of them to specify a single expression -that could be said to be directly expressive of -love.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>This</span> ambiguity of behaviour, this art of keeping -one in suspense, is the great secret of coquetry in both -sexes. It is the more cruel in us, because we can carry -it what length we please, and continue it as long as we -please, without your being so much as at liberty to complain -or expostulate; whereas we can break our chain, -and force you to explain, whenever we become impatient -of our situation.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I have</span> insisted the more particularly on this subject -of courtship, because it may most readily happen to you -at that early period of life when you can have little -<span class='pageno' id='Page_132'>132</span>experience or knowledge of the world, when your -passions are warm, and your judgments not arrived at -such full maturity as to be able to correct them.—I -wish you to possess such high principles of honour and -generosity as will render you incapable of deceiving, -and at the same time to possess that acute discernment -which may secure you against being deceived.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A woman</span>, in this country, may easily prevent the -first impressions of love, and every motive of prudence -and delicacy should make her guard her heart against -them, till such time as she has received the most convincing -proof of the attachment of a man of such -merit, as will justify a reciprocal regard. Your hearts -indeed may be shut inflexibly and permanently against -all the merit a man can possess. That may be your -misfortune, but cannot be your fault. In such a situation, -you would be equally unjust to yourself and -your lover, if you gave him your hand when your -heart revolted against him. But miserable will be your -fate, if you allow an attachment to steal on you before -you are sure of a return; or, what is infinitely worse, -where there are wanting those qualities which alone -can ensure happiness in a married state.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I know</span> nothing that renders a woman more despicable, -than her thinking it essential to happiness to be -married. Besides the gross indelicacy of the sentiment, -it is a false one, as thousands of women have experienced. -But if it was true, the belief that it is so, and -the consequent impatience to be married, is the most -effectual way to prevent it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_133'>133</span><span class='sc'>You</span> must not think from this, that I do not wish -you to marry. On the contrary, I am of opinion, that -you may attain a superior degree of happiness in a -married state, to what you can possibly find in any -other. I know the forlorn and unprotected situation -of an old maid, the chagrin and peevishness which are -apt to infect their tempers, and the great difficulty of -making a transition with dignity and chearfulness -from the period of youth, beauty, admiration, and -respect, into the calm, silent, unnoticed retreat of -declining years.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I see</span> some unmarried women of active, vigorous -minds, and great vivacity of spirits, degrading themselves; -sometimes by entering into a dissipated course -of life, unsuitable to their years, and exposing themselves -to the ridicule of girls, who might have been -their grand-children; sometimes by oppressing their -acquaintances by impertinent intrusions into their -private affairs; and sometimes by being the propagators -of scandal and defamation. All this is owing to -an exuberant activity of spirit, which if it had found -employment at home, would have rendered them respectable -and useful members of society.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I see</span> other women in the same situation, gentle, -modest, blessed with sense, taste, delicacy, and every -milder feminine virtue of the heart, but of weak -spirits, bashful and timid: I see such women sinking -into obscurity and insignificance, and gradually losing -<span class='pageno' id='Page_134'>134</span>every elegant accomplishment; for this evident reason, -that they are not united to a partner who has -sense, and worth, and taste, to know their value; one -who is able to draw forth their concealed qualities, -and shew them to advantage; who can give that support -to their feeble spirits which they stand so much -in need of; and who, by his affection and tenderness, -might make such a woman happy in exerting every -talent, and accomplishing herself in every elegant art -that could contribute to his amusement.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>In</span> short, I am of opinion, that a married state, if -entered into from proper motives of esteem and affection, -will be the happiest for yourselves, and make -you most respectable in the eyes of the world, and -the most useful members of society. But I confess I -am not enough of a patriot to wish you to marry for -the good of the public. I wish you to marry for no -other reason but to make yourselves happier. When -I am so particular in my advices about your conduct, -I own my heart beats with the fond hope of making -you worthy the attachment of men who will deserve -you, and be sensible of your merit. But heaven forbid -you should ever relinquish the ease and independence -of a single life, to become the slaves of a fool, or a -tyrant’s caprice.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>As</span> these have been always my sentiments, I shall -do you but justice, when I leave you in such independent -circumstances as may lay you under no temptation -<span class='pageno' id='Page_135'>135</span>to do from necessity what you would never do -from choice.—This will likewise save you from that -cruel mortification to a woman of spirit, the suspicion -that a gentleman thinks he does you an honour or a -favour when he asks you for his wife.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> I live till you arrive at that age when you shall -be capable to judge for yourselves, and do not strangely -alter my sentiments, I shall act towards you in a very -different manner from what most parents do. My -opinion has always been, that when that period arrives, -the parental authority ceases.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I hope</span> I shall always treat you with that affection -and easy confidence which may dispose you to look -on me as your friend. In that capacity alone I shall -think myself entitled to give you my opinion; in -the doing of which, I should think myself highly -criminal, if I did not to the utmost of my power endeavour -to divest myself of all personal vanity, and -all prejudices in favour of my particular taste. If -you did not chuse to follow my advice, I should not -on that account cease to love you as my children.—Though -my right to your obedience was expired, yet -I should think nothing could release me from the ties -of nature and humanity.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>You</span> may perhaps imagine, that the reserved behaviour -which I recommend to you, and your appearing -seldom at public places, must cut off all opportunities -of your being acquainted with gentlemen. I am very -<span class='pageno' id='Page_136'>136</span>far from intending this. I advise you to no reserve, -but what will render you more respected and beloved -by our sex. I do not think public places suited to -make people acquainted together. They can only be -distinguished there by their looks and external behaviour. -But it is in private companies alone where you -can expect easy and agreeable conversation, which I -should never wish you to decline. If you do not allow -gentlemen to become acquainted with you, you can never -expect to marry with attachment on either side.—Love -is very seldom produced at first sight; at least -it must have, in that case, a very unjustifiable foundation. -True love is founded on esteem, in a correspondence -of tastes and sentiments, and steals on the heart -imperceptibly.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>There</span> is one advice I shall leave you, to which I -beg your particular attention: Before your affections -come to be in the least engaged to any man, examine -your tempers, your tastes, and your hearts, very severely, -and settle in your own minds, what are the requisites -to your happiness in a married state; and as it is -almost impossible that you should get every thing you -wish, come to a steady determination what you are to -consider as essential, and what may be sacrificed.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> you have hearts disposed by nature for love and -friendship, and possess those feelings which enable you -to enter into all the refinements and delicacies of these -attachments, consider well, for heaven’s sake, and as -<span class='pageno' id='Page_137'>137</span>you value your future happiness, before you give them -any indulgence. If you have the misfortune (for a very -great misfortune it commonly is to your sex) to have -such a temper and such sentiments deeply rooted in -you, if you have spirit and resolution to resist the solicitations -of vanity, the persecution of friends (for you -will have lost the only friend that would never persecute -you) and can support the prospect of the many inconveniencies -attending the state of an old maid, which -I formerly pointed out, then you may indulge yourselves -in that kind of sentimental reading and conversation -which is most correspondent to your feelings.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>But</span> if you find, on a strict self-examination, that -marriage is absolutely essential to your happiness, keep -the secret inviolable in your own bosoms, for the reason -I formerly mentioned; but shun as you would do -the most fatal poison, all that species of reading and -conversation which warms the imagination, which engages -and softens the heart, and raises the taste above the -level of common life. If you do otherwise, consider -the terrible conflict of passions this may afterwards -raise in your breasts.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> this refinement once takes deep root in your minds, -and you do not obey its dictates, but marry from vulgar -and mercenary views, you may never be able to -eradicate it entirely, and then it will imbitter all your -married days. Instead of meeting with sense, delicacy, -tenderness, a lover, a friend, an equal companion, in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_138'>138</span>a husband, you may be tired with insipidity and dullness; -shocked with indelicacy, or mortified by indifference. -You will find none to compassionate, or even -understand your sufferings; for your husbands may not -use you cruelly, and may give you as much money for -your clothes, personal expense, and domestic necessaries, -as is suitable to their fortunes. The world therefore -would look on you as unreasonable women, and that -did not deserve to be happy, if you were not so.—To -avoid these complicated evils, if you are determined -at all events to marry, I would advise you to make all -your reading and amusements of such a kind, as do not -affect the heart nor the imagination, except in the -way of wit or humour.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I have</span> no view by these advices to lead your tastes; -I only want to persuade you of the necessity of knowing -your own minds, which, though seemingly very -easy, is what your sex seldom attain on many important -occasions in life, but particularly on this of which I am -speaking. There is not a quality I more anxiously -wish you to possess, than that collected decisive spirit -which rests on itself, which enables you to see where -your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with the most -determined resolution. In matters of business, follow -the advice of those who know them better than yourselves, -and in whose integrity you can confide; but in -matters of taste, that depend on your own feelings, -consult no one friend whatever, but consult your own -hearts.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_139'>139</span><span class='sc'>If</span> a gentleman makes his addresses to you, or gives -you reason to believe he will do so, before you allow -your affections to be engaged, endeavour in the most -prudent and secret manner, to procure from your friends -every necessary piece of information concerning him; -such as his character for sense, his morals, his temper, -fortune and family; whether it is distinguished for -parts and worth, or for folly, knavery, and loathsome -hereditary diseases. When your friends inform you -of these, they have fulfilled their duty. If they go -further, they have not that deference for you which -a becoming dignity on your part would effectually -command.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Whatever</span> your views are in marrying, take every -possible precaution to prevent their being disappointed. -If fortune, and the pleasures it brings, are your -aim, it is not sufficient that the settlements of a jointure -and children’s provisions be ample, and properly -secured; it is necessary that you should enjoy the fortune -during your own life. The principal security you -can have for this will depend on your marrying a good-natured -generous man, who despises money, and who -will let you live where you can best enjoy that pleasure, -that pomp and parade of life for which you married -him.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>From</span> what I have said, you will easily see that I -could never pretend to advise whom you should marry; -but I can with great confidence advise whom you -should not marry.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_140'>140</span><span class='sc'>Avoid</span> a companion that may entail any hereditary -disease on your posterity, particularly (that most dreadful -of all human calamities) madness. It is the height -of imprudence to run into such a danger, and in my -opinion, highly criminal.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Do</span> not marry a fool; he is the most intractable of -all animals; he is led by his passions and caprices, -and is incapable of hearing the voice of reason. It -may probably too hurt your vanity to have husbands -for whom you have reason to blush and tremble every -time they open their lips in company. But the worst -circumstance, that attends a fool, is his constant jealousy -of his wife being thought to govern him. This -renders it impossible to lead him, and he is continually -doing absurd and disagreeable things, for no other -reason but to shew he dares do them.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>A rake</span> is always a suspicious husband, because -he has only known the most worthless of your sex. -He likewise entails the worst diseases on his wife and -children, if he has the misfortune to have any.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> you have a sense of religion yourselves, do not -think of husbands who have none. If they have tolerable -understandings, they will be glad that you have -religion, for their own sakes, and for the sake of their -families; but it will sink you in their esteem. If they -are weak men, they will be continually teazing and -shocking you about your principles.—If you have -children, you will suffer the most bitter distress, in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_141'>141</span>seeing all your endeavours to form their minds to virtue -and piety, all your endeavours to secure their present -and eternal happiness frustrated, and turned into -ridicule.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>As</span> I look on your choice of a husband to be of the -greatest consequence to your happiness, I hope you -will make it with the utmost circumspection. Do not -give way to a sudden sally of passion, and dignify it -with the name of love.—Genuine love is not founded -in caprice; it is founded in nature, on honourable -views, on virtue, on similarity of tastes and sympathy -of souls.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>If</span> you have these sentiments, you will never marry -any one, when you are not in that situation, in point -of fortune, which is necessary to the happiness of either -of you. What that competency may be, can only be -determined by your own tastes. It would be ungenerous -in you to take advantage of a lover’s attachment, -to plunge him into distress; and if he has any honour, -no personal gratification will ever tempt him to enter -into any connection which will render you unhappy. -If you have as much between you as to satisfy all your -reasonable demands, it is sufficient.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I shall</span> conclude with endeavouring to remove -a difficulty which must naturally occur to any woman -of reflection on the subject of marriage. What is to -become of all these refinements of delicacy, that dignity -of manners, which checked all familiarities, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_142'>142</span>suspended desire in respectful and awful admiration? -In answer to this, I shall only observe, that if motives -of interest or vanity have had any share in your resolutions -to marry, none of these chimerical notions will -give you any pain; nay they will very quickly appear -as ridiculous in your own eyes, as they probably always -did in the eyes of your husbands. They have -been sentiments which have floated in your imaginations, -but have never reached your hearts. But if -these sentiments have been truly genuine, and if you -have had the singular happy fate to attach those who -understand them, you have no reason to be afraid.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Marriage</span> indeed, will at once dispel the enchantment -raised by external beauty; but the virtues and -graces that first warmed the heart, that reserve and -delicacy which always left the lover something further -to wish, and often made him doubtful of your sensibility -or attachment, may and ought ever to remain. The -tumult of passion will necessarily subside; but it will -be succeeded by an endearment, that affects the heart -in a more equal, more sensible, and tender manner.—But -I must check myself, and not indulge in descriptions -that may mislead you, and that too sensibly awake -the remembrance of my happier days, which, perhaps, -it were better for me to forget forever.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>I have</span> thus given you my opinion on some of the -most important articles of your future life, chiefly calculated -for that period when you are just entering the world. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_143'>143</span>I have endeavoured to avoid some peculiarities of opinion, -which, from their contradiction to the general -practice of the world, I might reasonably have suspected -were not so well founded. But in writing to -you, I am afraid my heart has been too full, and too -warmly interested, to allow me to keep this resolution. -This may have produced some embarrassment, and -some seeming contradictions. What I have written -has been the amusement of some solitary hours, and -has served to divert some melancholy reflections.—I -am conscious I undertook a task to which I was very -unequal; but I have discharged a part of my duty.—You -will at least be pleased with it, as the last mark -of your father’s love and attention.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div>THE END.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id002'> -<img src='images/i143.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_144'>144</span> - <h2 class='c004'><i>CONTENTS</i>.</h2> -</div> -<table class='table0' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='86%' /> -<col width='13%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c015'> </td> - <td class='c016'><i>page</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Modesty</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_7'>7</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Lying</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_12'>12</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Good-Breeding</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_15'>15</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Genteel Carriage</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_21'>21</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Cleanliness of person</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_25'>25</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Dress</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_26'>26</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Elegance of Expression</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_28'>28</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Address Phraseology, and small-talk</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_33'>33</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Observation</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_35'>35</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Absence of Mind</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_37'>37</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Knowledge of the World</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_39'>39</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Choice of Company</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_51'>51</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Laughter</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_55'>55</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Sundry Little Accomplishments</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_57'>57</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Employment of Time</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_71'>71</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Dignity of Manners</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_74'>74</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Rules for Conversation</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_79'>79</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>A Father’s address to his Daughters</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_93'>93</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Religion</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_96'>96</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Conduct and Behaviour</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_102'>102</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Amusements</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_110'>110</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c015'><i>Friendship, Love, Marriage</i>,</td> - <td class='c016'><a href='#Page_116'>116</a></td> - </tr> -</table> -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> -<p class='c006'> </p> -<div class='tnbox'> - - <ul class='ul_1 c003'> - <li>Transcriber’s Notes: - <ul class='ul_2'> - <li>Missing or obscured punctuation was silently corrected. - </li> - <li>Typographical errors were silently corrected. - </li> - <li>Inconsistent spelling and hyphenation were made consistent only when a predominant - form was found in this book. - </li> - </ul> - </li> - </ul> - -</div> -<p class='c006'> </p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Principles of politeness, and of -knowing the world, by Philip Dormer Stanhope (Earl of Chesterfield) - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRINCIPLES OF POLITENESS *** - -***** This file should be named 60071-h.htm or 60071-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/0/7/60071/ - -Produced by Turgut Dincer, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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