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diff --git a/old/60022-0.txt b/old/60022-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f40d8e2..0000000 --- a/old/60022-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2176 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Water Wagon, by -Bert Leston Taylor and W. C. Gibson - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Log of the Water Wagon - or The Cruise of the Good Ship 'Lithia' - -Author: Bert Leston Taylor - W. C. Gibson - -Illustrator: L. M. Glackens - -Release Date: July 31, 2019 [EBook #60022] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOG OF THE WATER WAGON *** - - - - -Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Wilson and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - -[Endpaper: Resolution] - - - - -THE LOG OF THE WATER WAGON - - - - - +--------------------------------------+ - | | - | This is an unlimited edition, of | - | which this copy is No. 69,850. | - | | - | If you wish a higher number, your | - | bookseller will gladly supply you. | - | | - +--------------------------------------+ - - - - -[Illustration: THE ORIGINAL WATER WAGON] - - - - -THE LOG of THE WATER WAGON - - or - -THE CRUISE OF THE GOOD SHIP “LITHIA” - - -BY BERT LESTON TAYLOR _and_ W. C. GIBSON - -ILLUSTRATIONS _by_ L. M. GLACKENS - -[Illustration: Bacchus and Neptune] - -PUBLISHED BY H. M. CALDWELL CO. BOSTON - - - - - _Copyright, 1905_ - By H. M. Caldwell Co. - - - _COLONIAL PRESS_ - _Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co. - Boston, U.S.A._ - - - - -FOREWORD - - -If you don’t like this book, write to the authors about it. Don’t -bother the publishers: they are too busy selling it. - - - - -DEDICATION - - -To all surviving saloon passengers of the good ship Lithia, who have -rounded the Horn and passed through perilous Beering Straits, and -suffered shipwreck, shock, and sudden thirst: to those intrepid souls -who have clung to the slippery hull of the Water Wagon when it seemed -the gallant craft could not live another hour; who, lashed to the -sprinkler, have ridden out many a choking dust-storm; who have heard -the cafe Lorelei sing, and still hung on, deaf to her seductive song: -and— - -To the memory of countless thousands lost at sea, swept into the -seething drink without a word of warning, cut off in the blossoms of -their resolutions, and sent to their slate accounts with all their -imperfections on their heads— - -This little volume is affectionately dedicated. - - - - -EDITORS’ NOTE - - -The Log of the Water Wagon was compiled from memoranda found in a -floating milk-bottle with a patent stopper, flung overboard just -before the good ship “Lithia” foundered in a fearful simoom off White -Rock Point. The notes, pencilled in a trembling hand, on the backs of -blank temperance pledges, I O U’s, and wine-lists, were barely -legible, testifying to the fearful condition of the unknown writer’s -tongue, manifestly incapable of moistening the pencil. - -With the notes were enclosed a Water Wagon folder, showing itinerary, -rules and regulations, points of interest touched at, etc., a fragment -of a clipping from the New York Sun, and sundry moral reflections upon -life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. - -The editors have preserved, as far as possible, the spirit and -literary style of the Log-keeper, whose identity is an interesting -conjecture. His fate, and that of his fellow passengers, is shrouded -in mystery. - - - - -[Illustration: Table covered with bottles] - -TABLE OF CONTENTS - - - FOR OTHER CONTENTS - SEE BODY OF BOOK - - - - -[Illustration: St Bromo] - - - - -[Newspaper clipping: THE SUN, - -THE WATER WAGON DEPARTS. - -GOOD SHIP LITHIA HEAVILY LOADED SAILS ON CRUISE. - - -Fresh from the drydock, glistening in new white paint, her blue -streamers snapping in the breeze, loaded to the limit with -enthusiastic and babbling passengers, the Water Wagon left last night -on another perilous voyage. A tremendous crowd was present to see her -off. The surging mass of well-wishers included relatives and friends -of the passengers, a large delegation from the International -Federation of Mineral Water Bottlers, and representatives from the -W. C. T. U., Band of Hope, Never Again League, and other dusty -associations. - -The farewell presents to the passengers were unusually numerous. These -included hot-water bags with “Bon Voyage” hand-painted on them, silver -bonbon boxes containing soda mint and lithia tablets, individual -cut-glass bromo-seltzer bottles, water lilies, watermelons, and other -fruit and flowers. - -Just before the hour for sailing happy little speeches were made by -the Superintendent of the Water Works, the Commissioner of Irrigation, -and the Hon. Bromo S. Emerson, of Ballato, whose sizzling oratory was -received with terrific applause. - -Promptly at midnight a bottle of sarsaparilla was broken on the -Lithia’s sprinkler, the gang-hose was uncoupled and hauled aboard, and -the Water Wagon glided gracefully away from her moorings. - -A score or more of belated passengers came straggling down the pier -and finding] - - - - -GENERAL INFORMATION - - -In making reservations, the passenger’s real name, not the -station-house name, must be given, in full. All “John Smiths” will be -regarded with suspicion, and must be satisfactorily identified. - -Seats as well as berths will be assigned for the entire voyage. For a -few choice seats next the water-cooler a small additional fee will be -asked. - -No life-preservers will be found in staterooms. Do not ask for them. - -No “bundles” will be allowed in staterooms, nor allowed to lie around -the decks. - -Excellent concerts will be rendered every evening in the main saloon -by the Band of Hope. A select library will be found in the -smoking-room. Water-marked stationery is also at the disposal of all -first-class passengers. - -Don’t try to get on the Wagon while it is in motion. It is the -Captain’s business to stop for loads. If he does not stop when -flagged, you will know he is full. - -When rounding the sharp curve at the Pousse Cafe, passengers are -cautioned to hold fast. - -Passengers feeling their anchors dragging, and seized with a sudden -desire to leap from the Wagon, should apply to purser for parachutes. - -Stop-overs will be allowed at Vichy Springs, Delaware Water Gap, and -Waterbury only. - -No transfers given on transfers. - -Passengers losing any of their wheels will find them in the -wheel-house. - -No rain-checks will be given out. This is a dry cruise. - -Buy a round-trip ticket and save money. - -All mail received en route will be read aloud by the steward at -sunset. - -SPECIAL INFORMATION.—In looking toward the bow of the vessel, the -left-hand side is port. The right-hand is sherry. - - - - -+First Day+ - - - - -Hitch your wagon to a star. If it’s the Water Wagon, tie it to the -Great Dipper.—Emerson. - - ⁂ - - I often wonder where the old moons go - After they once get full and disappear. - Do they, I wonder, pilot to and fro - The men who quit the Wagon year by year? - —Copernicus. - - - - -LOG -- First Day - - - NOTE.—The writer of this record, being the only sober passenger - aboard the Good Ship “Lithia,” has been requested by the Captain - to keep the Log. The Captain kindly explains that a log is a thing - in which you put down the daily occurrences on board ship. I have - kept a dog, and a valet, and a thirst, and other things, but a log - is sure a new proposition. But, dash my tarry toplights, here - goes. Avast there, my hearties! Yeo-heave-ho! Yo-ho! - -At midnight we left the Bar, and got under way, with a big tide and -the wind souse-souse-east and piping free. - - ⁂ - -Everybody aboard, barring the writer, is thoroughly saturated. I -counted fifty-seven varieties of pickle. - - ⁂ - -Later.—It seems I was mistaken about having left the Bar. The Captain -announces through the ventilator that he is stuck on the Bar. Loud -cheers from the passengers, and cries of, “So say we all of us!” - - ⁂ - -Lightened ship by throwing overboard two bales of temperance pledges -and ten cases of sarsaparilla. The Captain announces that we are off -the Bar. Groans. - - ⁂ - -I am suspicious of the pilot. He hasn’t flashed a single pilot-biscuit -since he came aboard. - - ⁂ - -The Lithia is reeling off eight knots an hour. Wind still -souse-souse-east and piping free. Weather so-so. - - ⁂ - -The passengers, misled by the name, are in the saloon, calling loudly -for drinks and hammering on the tables. The Captain announces through -the ventilator that he will turn the hose on them. Cheers, and cries -of “Louder!” - - ⁂ - -The uproar in the saloon continues. An entertainer is giving a -realistic imitation of a man mixing a cocktail. Tremendous applause, -and shouts of “Great, old man!” A young water curate has volunteered -to go among the noisy pirates and try to soothe them. - - ⁂ - -Later.—The water curate has been thrown down the companion-way. - - ⁂ - -Loud splash on the starboard side. We have dropped the pilot. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has ordered the First Mate to take the wheel. The Mate is -in the saloon, bound hand and foot, and the passengers are singing -“How Can I Bear to Leave Thee.” The Lithia is going around in a -circle. - - ⁂ - -The Mate has been rescued, and has laid a course for Carbonic Light. I -asked him if a mate’s wife is called a room-mate. He said he didn’t -know, but the midshipmite. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has just taken soundings, but reports that he can’t hear a -thing. So much noise in the saloon. - - ⁂ - -Tom Ginn, the noisiest of the bunch, has been put in irons for -demanding an old-fashioned cocktail and inciting the passengers to -mutiny. The clanking of his chains is having a quieting effect on the -other pirates. - - ⁂ - -3 A. M.—Passed the trim little craft Coryphee, homeward bound, loaded -with lobsters and champagne. Wigwagged to her that her starboard light -was out and that her hair was coming down. She signalled back, “On -your way.” - - ⁂ - -Ran afoul of a fleet of full-rigged Johnnies, stuck on Shanley’s -oyster-beds. Offered to take them aboard the Wagon, but they -vociferously refused. Said they’d just got off one. - - ⁂ - -The Captain took the Sun as soon as it came out, and reported that we -were a hell of a way from the Equator. - - ⁂ - -Passed a ragtime whistling buoy. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel, an amateur Ancient Mariner, got into the calcium for -a minute by trying to shoot a nighthawk, claiming it was an albatross. -The Captain gave him the water cure. - - ⁂ - -Spoke a tramp tank steamer, Red Booze Line, Captain Handout. “Ahoy! -What ship is that?” hailed Captain Handout. “The Water Wagon,” I -replied through the Captain’s megaphone. “Keep off!” he yelled, and -crowded on all sail. - - ⁂ - -Shipped a heavy swell rolling in from the Faro Banks. - - ⁂ - -Eight bells and all’s well. - - -+Here endeth the first day of the cruise.+ - - - - -BAGGAGE REGULATIONS - - -Each full ticket entitles passenger to one load. A load and a -hang-over will be charged as excess baggage. - -All baggage must be checked by our regular inspector before departure. -Contraband baggage, such as bottled cocktails, case goods, whiskey -capsules, brandied cherries, etc., will be confiscated. - -ANIMALS, BIRDS, AND OTHER PETS will not be allowed on the main wagon, -nor allowed to run alongside. All such must be put in charge of the -steward, who will tag them and place them in a trailer, where they -will be fed and cared for, and permitted to drink out of the trough -of the sea. - -All animals will be returned to owners at end of voyage; or, if -desired, the steward will send them to any designated circus or -menagerie. - -No passenger will be allowed more than three purple monkeys or two -dozen red, white, and blue snakes. No magenta elephant weighing more -than twenty tons will be received in the trailer, as the -accommodations are limited. No mastodons of any colour will be -accepted. - -The management will not be responsible for any accident or change of -colour these pets may undergo. We cannot guarantee fast colours. - -Striped mice, polka-dot lizards, Scotch-plaid guinea-pigs, and other -small animals, and all perishable buggage, will be carried at owner’s -risk. - - - - -THE WATER WAGON BAND - - -Every evening in the main saloon, from 8 to 10, our own Band of Hope -will discourse the following musical favourites: - - “Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes.” - “Wait for the Wagon.” - “The Old Oaken Bucket.” - “Father, Dear Father.” - “Down by the River.” - “When the Swallows Homeward Fly.” - -_NOTE.—Any attention on the part of the audience will be appreciated -by the Bandmaster._ - - - - -SHIP’S ITINERARY - - - Leave the Bar 8 bells - Pass Rye Beach 6 bells - Off the Faro Banks 3 bells - Near High Ballston Spa 4 bells - Arrive Vichy Springs 7 bells - Weather Cape Casegoods 2 bells - Nearing Prohibition Park 8 bells - Arrive Delaware Water Gap 1 bell - Pass Croton Reservoir 5 bells - Round Apollinaris Bottling Works 6 bells - Weather White Rock Point 4 bells - Arrive at Waterbury 8 bells - -_The management reserves the right to change the itinerary at any old -bell time._ - - - - -NUTT - -The Square Hatter - -132 1–2 WATER STREET - -Big Heads My Specialty - -Any Size Head Fitted - - -Ask to see my =Adjustable, Telescopic Noiseless Hats=. (_Patent -Pending._) Just the thing for the Water Wagon. No springs or metal -used. Will expand or contract as conditions require. Space in -sweat-band for cracked ice. Money refunded if we don’t make good. - -Stretching done at your own home the morning after. - -Telephone, Derby 8 3–4 - -=“You get the Head, and we’ll put a Lid on it”= - - - - -+Second Day+ - - - - -Most of the gold-cures are only plated, and it soon wears off.—Keeley. - - ⁂ - -Men’s evil manners live in rum. Their virtues we write in -water.—Shakespeare. - - - - -LOG -- Second Day - - -The morning opened on a full house, and everybody stayed—in bed. -Barometer throbbing feverishly, indicating a long dry spell. - - ⁂ - -The breakfast-gong was sounded by the Steward, but not a soul made a -move. Cries of “Lynch him!” from the staterooms. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has been looking over the Log, and says I keep it like a -butcher’s book. I told him to keep it himself if he didn’t like it. - - ⁂ - -11 A. M.—The Steward got everybody on deck by turning in a still -alarm that the next round was on the house. The push dressed like a -commuter making the 8.13 train. Everybody voted it a dirty trick. - - ⁂ - -11.30 A. M.—Tied up at Water Tank No. 1, and took on fifty cases of -lemon soda and sarsaparilla, and a case of malted milk for Moxie -Matzoon, alias Moxie Grandpa,—a stowaway, who was discovered soon -after we cleared the Bar. He is suspected of being the staff -correspondent of the Weekly Water Cooler. He doesn’t seem to be -popular. - - ⁂ - -12.30 P. M.—The Captain took a lunar observation, and reported that -we were in latitude 58:12 W. from Greenwich, Conn. I asked him how he -managed to observe the moon in the middle of the day, and he referred -me to the Information Bureau. Crusty old chap. - - ⁂ - -Whale sighted. He was blowing his friends. Cheers from the waterproof -deck, and cries of “I’ll take the same!” - - ⁂ - -At 3 P. M. mutiny broke out among the passengers, but it was quelled -by the Captain with his trusty little marlingspike. Doctor Zoolak, -the ship’s surgeon, diagnosed the case as thirst, not mutiny. - - ⁂ - -The undertow of dissatisfaction among the passengers continues. -Hennessy Martel called a mass-meeting on the port side, and the Wagon -almost turned turtle. “Trim ship!” commanded the Captain from the -bridge, and Eggley Monade, who is a regular wag, asked him if he -thought we were a bunch of dressmakers. - - ⁂ - -Passed the Can Buoy on Wurzburger Shoals. Some of the boys started to -rush it. - - ⁂ - -Loan sharks have been following the Lithia all day. The Mate says this -is a sign that there’s a dead one on board. Jim Sling says there will -be one, all right, if he doesn’t fall off pretty soon. Jim is a sore -pup. - - ⁂ - -Just before 6 P. M. the Lithia sprung a leak, and we lost considerable -water. Something has also happened to the hydraulic engines, and the -Captain has given orders to let go the dope-sheet. - - ⁂ - -A round-robin has been sent to the Captain, requesting him to touch -at the Aquarium, for a look at the tanks. - - ⁂ - -The crew held a First Aid to the Foolish drill, and were instructed -what to do in case a passenger attempts to fall off the Wagon. - - ⁂ - -Guinness Stout and the Count of Maraschino had a hot argument over the -meaning of “load water line,” the Count maintaining that there was no -such thing. They appealed to the Captain, who told them they were both -wrong, and that A wins the box of fudge. - - ⁂ - -The water-cooler has been emptied four times since noon, and the boys -are now eating the ice. The Captain has put everybody on quarter -rations, and the Steward is serving cracked ice in capsules, only one -to a customer. - - ⁂ - -Tom Ginn has again been put in irons for demanding an Angora pousse -cafe. - - ⁂ - -No casualties to date, barring one passenger, name unknown, who was -badly punctured by stepping on a starboard tack. - - ⁂ - -Shortly before midnight a mix-up of red and green lights off the -weather bow had the Captain going for a minute. It turned out to be a -cut-rate drug-store. - - ⁂ - -12 P. M.—The decks were swabbed with Apollinaris; the Ingersol -night-watch was wound up, the cat put out and the back door locked, -and peace brooded over the waters. - - -+Here endeth the second day of the cruise.+ - - - - -THE WIFE’S MORNING AFTER - - -He—“The boys had a rattling time at our house last night.” - -She—(surveying the mess)—“Empty beer-bottles, nearly empty -whiskey-bottle, half-empty glasses, empty siphons, distorted corks, -fragments of sandwiches, remnants of cheese, crumbled crackers, -fugitive olive-pits, beer-stained doilies, stream from recumbent -catsup-bottle meandering across Aunt Martha’s embroidered centrepiece, -cigar and cigarette stubs in salad-bowl—over all a Vesuvian deposit of -ashes. And breakfast only twenty minutes away!” - - - - -_FIRST AID TO THE INJURED_ - - -In case of a fall from the Water Wagon, prompt action will often save -the victim. - -While the life-line is being cast and the breeches-buoy rigged, lay -the sufferer on his back and spray him thoroughly with a siphon of -carbonic until signs of consciousness appear. In the majority of cases -his first words will be: “Make mine a rye highball.” You will then -repeat the siphon treatment, at the same time making a few passes over -him and reciting monotonously in his ear: “Water, water everywhere, -and not a drop to drink.” - -Usually this will produce a condition in which the breeches-buoy can -be quickly adjusted and the sufferer hauled back on the Wagon. If it -fails, work his arms up and down like pump-handles, and exclaim in -threatening tones: “Your wife is coming back on the 5.03 train.” If -his eyes remain glazed and his struggles continue, add harshly: “She -telegraphs that Mother is coming with her.” Complete coma should -result. If not, it can be induced by tactfully whispering: “The next -round is on the house.” This has never failed. - -The breeches-buoy may now be attached and the sufferer snaked aboard -the Wagon and lashed to the tank. - -During his convalescence a friend should be constantly at his side, -reading to him the history of the Johnstown flood. A single chapter -has worked wonders. - - - - -THE WATER WAGON LIBRARY - - -The following carefully selected list of Books may be had by applying -to any of the deck-hands. They need not be returned. - - “D’ri and I” (Batcheller). - “Many Waters” (Shackleford). - “The Desert” (White). - “Many Cargoes” (Jacobs). - “The Water Babies” (Kingsley). - “Ebb Tide” (Stevenson). - “Frenzied Frappes” (Lawson). - “The Two Van Revellers” (Tankington). - - - - -Stop that Merry-Go-Round!! - - -Do things revolve when you retire? Does your room whirl like a -fly-wheel in a power-house? Does your trunk go by like the Twentieth -Century Limited? Do you feel as if you were looping the loop? If so, -you can flag the merry-go-round with one of - -=Professor Bunn’s Patent Plugs for Pifflicated People= - -One of these, inserted anywhere in the wall, will bring things to a -stand-still, or, put in place before retiring, will insure a quiet -night’s rest. - -DON’T SLEEP LIKE A TOP! - - - - -+Third Day+ - - - - -When you move from Brooklyn, be sure to burn your bridge tickets -behind you.—McKelway. - - ⁂ - -Treat, and the world drinks with you; quit, and it leaves you -alone.—Horace. - - - - -LOG -- Third Day - - -The morning opened clear and extra dry. Big head winds. The Mate tried -to take the Sun, but the sky was cloudy, so he took the Tribune. - - ⁂ - -Barometer extra brut. Wind S. W. and scorching. - - ⁂ - -The saloon sounds like a dog-show. Everybody has a dry, hacking cough. - - ⁂ - -The Steward, assisted by the Ship’s Valet, dusted off the tongues of -the passengers and sprayed them with Blisterine. They were very -grateful, and a collection has been taken up to purchase a loving-cup -for him. - - ⁂ - -Spoke the brewery barge Budweiser, outward bound, Captain Umlaut. The -Budweiser fired a salute of four dozen bottles, not one of which, -unfortunately, reached the Lithia’s deck. In a heroic effort to rescue -a bottle, Tom Collins fell overboard. He was picked up by a fishing -party, and when last seen was eating the bait. - - ⁂ - -A blood-curdling screech has come up through the ventilator, and the -Captain has gone below with a marlingspike. - - ⁂ - -Later.—The Captain has returned. It seems that the Valet scorched -Hennessy Martel’s tongue trying to iron the wrinkles out of it. The -rest of us have decided on dry massage for ours. - - ⁂ - -The Scotch-plaid guinea-pig threw a lighted cigarette in some straw in -the trailer and started a fire. The deck-hands turned on the sprinkler -and put it out. No great damage. The purple pig had his Keeley-cured -hams smoked—that’s all. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel has got himself disliked by nailing up in the -dining-cabin the following teasing dinner-card: - - Cocktails - Grapefruit soused with maraschino - Consomme with sherry - Fried skate Soused mackerel - Croute of pineapple with Madeira sauce - Leg of lamb, mint julep sauce - Roast ham, champagne sauce - Artillery punch - Venison, port wine sauce - Plum pudding with lots of brandy sauce - Rum omelette Buns - Brandied peaches Black coffee with cognac - Individual Turkish bath - - ⁂ - -At 3 P. M. we made Water Tank No. 2. Catcalls and groans from all on -board. - - ⁂ - -Passed the Spit Buoy. Nobody could. - - ⁂ - -Turner Van Newleaf, one of the most popular of the passengers, was -suddenly taken with water on the brain. Doctor Zoolak bled him, soaked -him, and pulled his leg. Poor Van Newleaf was compelled to borrow -enough money to finish the cruise. - - ⁂ - -Some practical joker raised the cry of “What’ll you have?” The panic -that followed made a football mix-up look like a procession of -choir-boys, and a dozen or more passengers were lost from the Wagon. -Among those that fell were Jim Rickey and Guinness Stout. - - ⁂ - -5 P. M.—Sighted the Players’ Club. The Captain gave the Engineer the -jingle-bell, and we went by the danger-point like a squirt of seltzer. - - ⁂ - -The drouth in the saloon is intolerable. The dry batteries that run -the fans have given out. Count Martini has tossed his waterproof coat -over the rail. He says there is such a thing as being too dry. The -sentiment was wildly applauded. - - ⁂ - -Eggley Monade has been going around asking the conundrum, “Why is a -port-hole like a chaser?” Everybody gave it up, and he borrowed the -Captain’s megaphone to reply, “Because it’s something on the side.” -The Mate put a crimp in him with a belaying-pin, and Doctor Zoolak -thinks that will hold him for awhile. - - ⁂ - -At 5.30 P. M. we made Larchmont. The club-house piazza was crowded -with gold braid, yachting-caps, and booze. Wigwagged that we were the -Good Ship Lithia, and they signalled back, “Look out for floating -mines.” Most of the club members grabbed their drinks and fled to the -cyclone cellars, but the daredevils of the rocking-chair fleet sat -tight and jeered at us. - - ⁂ - -The Lithia’s decks have been cleared for action. - - ⁂ - -The Larchmont Commodore has ordered the club torpedo-boat Highball to -charge the Lithia (to him). - - ⁂ - -Our Captain, alive to the critical situation, has jammed the wheel -hard over and given the enemy a broadside of lithia tablets. The -Highball has reversed her engines and is heading for the dry-dock. Her -hull looks like a half-portion of Swiss cheese. - - ⁂ - -The Larchmont Commodore wirelessed to the Millionaire Volunteer Fire -Department, which made a record run. They have hooked on to the club’s -fire-water plug, and are battering us with a two-inch stream of -Glengarry Scotch. We have replied with our starboard battery of -bromo-seltzer and a fleet of Whiteheads loaded with strawberry pop. - - ⁂ - -The Fire Department has uncoupled, and hooked on to a tank of club -cocktails. The deadly stream is burning off the Lithia’s paint. - - ⁂ - -Our passengers, led by Hennessy Martel, demand the surrender of the -Water Wagon. They are lapping up the decks. - - ⁂ - -The mutineers have been driven below, and the hatches cotton-battened -down. - - ⁂ - -Our gallant Captain looped the Santiago loop and is raking the enemy -fore and aft with withering broadsides of moxie. Some of the stuff got -into the drinks of the rocking-chair fleet on the club-house piazza, -and the loss of life was appalling. - - ⁂ - -The enemy, completely demoralized, ran up the white flag, and, -scorning to take any prisoners of war, we ’bout-shipped and laid our -course for Delaware Water Gap. - - -+Here endeth the third day of the cruise.+ - - - - -AN EXPERIENCE TABLE - - - March 4. Advertising for girl to do typewriting $ 1.30 - 9. Violets for typewriter .50 - 13. Week’s salary, typewriter 10.00 - 16. Roses for typewriter 2.00 - 20. Miss Remington’s salary 15.00 - 20. Candy for wife and children over Sunday .60 - 22. Box of bonbons for Miss Remington 4.00 - 26. Lunch with Miss Remington 5.75 - 27. Daisy’s salary 20.00 - 29. Theatre and supper with Daisy 19.00 - 30. Sealskin for wife 225.00 - 30. Dress for wife’s mother 50.00 - 30. Advertising for young man to do typewriting 1.30 - - - - -[Illustration: Revolution] - - - - -“AT LIBERTY” - - - Miss Tottie Van Tootles is curvy and chic; - She sings in “The Prince and the Toad.” - Her wage in the city is twenty per week, - Twenty-five when she goes on the road. - - Miss Tottie Van Tootles is handsomely gowned; - She has a French maid at her heels, - A cottage at Larchmont, a yacht on the Sound, - And three or four automobiles. - - Miss Tottie Van Tootles has published a card - To say she’s “At Liberty” now, - Which envious persons are pleased to regard - As the certain result of a row. - - With whom? Why, I really can’t say. I don’t know - The details of Miss Tottie’s young life; - But ’tis whispered, I hear (not above, but below), - That an angel has taken a wife. - - - - -[Illustration: plan of the Water Wagon] - - - - -A WORD ABOUT THE WAGON - - -The Water Wagon is a ball-bearing, clipper-built craft of the -whale-back type, designed by Mac Nesia, and built in Bath, Me. She -draws more water than a yacht-club barkeep, and her water-line is -eighteen glasses and a pony, with plenty of hang-over. The Water Wagon -is equipped with Saratoga springs, which ensure a minimum of jolt, and -a complete battery of hydraulic dust-pumps. - -All the staterooms are heated by Hot Copper system and lighted by -carbonic acid gas. Don’t blow it out! - -Accommodations on the Water Wagon are unlimited. There is always room -for one or two more. - - - - -WATER WAGON MENU - - -(_Breakfast, Dinner, and Supper, and Midnight Snack_) - - Ammonia cocktail - Seedless grapenuts Shredded wild oats - Henniker County hand-picked eggs - (all flavors) - Evaporated Welsh Rabbit - (stuffed with raisins) - Cold tomales - Red, white and blue Saratoga chips - H₂O Punch - Sliced golf balls with mashie potatoes - Boneless blanc-mange - Cracked lemon ice - Predigested pitless prunes - (“Three P” brand) - Dent’s well water crackers - -All water served on our tables is kept absolutely wet by a patent -condensing process. - -Do not trouble to report any inattention on the part of waiters. We -have troubles of our own. - - -[Illustration: Jester and clown] - -The Editors confess that this is a trivial and foolish book, and they -will not be offended if you laugh at it. - - - - -=THE “GEM” SAFETY PARACHUTE= - - -IT FLOATS! - -=Don’t Jump from the Water Wagon Without One!= - -No more jolts. No more broken bones. Opens as promptly as a wine -agent, descends like mining stock, and lands you gently on both feet -every time. Will carry any kind of a load. Sold by all progressive -ship-chandlers. - -_One Man’s Experience_ - -MR. PHILUP BOIES writes us: “I have taken two trips on the Wagon, and -found your parachute a complete success. On the first occasion it -landed me safely in a brewery, and on the second in a roof-garden. I -have recommended the ‘Gem’ to all my friends as a move in the right -direction.” - -=TAKE A DROP AND SEE FOR YOURSELF= - - - - -+Fourth Day+ - - - - -It is much harder to keep on the Water Wagon than on a bucking -broncho.—Remington. - - ⁂ - -A watered-silk vest is not a badge of temperance. Never judge a man -by his vest.—Woodruff. - - - - -LOG -- Fourth Day - - -Barometer dry and blistered. Mercury bubbling. - - ⁂ - -At roll-call we were shy twenty passengers. The Captain thinks the -ones unaccounted for fell overboard during the excitement at -Larchmont. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel, Tom Ginn, and several others are in double irons for -cheering the enemy. All the souse-renunciators are suffering tortures -from the frightful drouth. Tom Ginn declares that he has had a regular -stokehole thirst ever since we left Larchmont, and Hennessy Martel -offers to swap his Panhard and fifty shares of unassessable Hot Copper -for three fingers of lumberjack rye. - - ⁂ - -Poor Turner Van Newleaf was found sitting on the sprinkler trolling -for wine-jellyfish and chattering to himself. Doctor Zoolak dry-cupped -him and sponged his mouth with Blisterine. - - ⁂ - -10 A. M.—Sighted a night school of whales galloping after the Lithia. -The wise Mate says this is a sure sign of a Jonah on board. A -committee of five, headed by the puzzle editor of Golden Days, has -been appointed to find the Jonah. - - ⁂ - -Clark Dearborn, champion half-shot putter of the Chicago Athletic -Club, claimed to have seen two swordfish fencing off the weather bow. -Doctor Zoolak roped him, threw him, and tied him in thirty seconds, -breaking the Montana record. - - ⁂ - -2 P. M.—Made Delaware Water Gap. - - ⁂ - -The citizens of the Gap turned out in a body and gave us a royal -welcome. The Mayor, in a happy little speech, presented the freedom of -the city and the great key to the water-works, both of which we were -compelled to decline on account of the serious condition of our -passengers. - - ⁂ - -A chorus of young ladies, carrying a white banneret of watered silk, -with the motto “Purity” and a crocheted picture of Moses smiting the -rock, raised their sweet young voices in the affecting song: - - “Wait for the Wagon, - Wait for the Wagon, - Wait for the Wagon, - And we’ll all take a ride.” - - ⁂ - -Jack Redwood and Hy Jinks, of the ’Frisco Bohemian Club, cut in with a -barber-shop tenor and a sterilized barytone, and were promptly and -loudly hissed by the snakes in the trailer. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel hogged the limelight by offering to loop the Water Gap -in a ball-bearing catamaran, without the aid of a net, and the -Captain, scenting trouble, side-stepped the Gap and made a quick -getaway. - - ⁂ - -At 5 P. M. the lookout reported a sour mash freighter. The passengers -are kissing the hem of his cardigan jacket and calling him another -Columbus. - - ⁂ - -Later.—The sour mash freighter turns out to be a root-beer wagon on -its way to a Sunday-school excursion. The enraged passengers are now -kicking the hem of the lookout’s jacket. - - ⁂ - -The Committee on Jonah reports progress. - - ⁂ - -At 5.30 P. M. we ran into a dust-gale, caused by an automobile party -brushing their clothes after being chased by a bicycle cop. The air is -thick with dust and whisk-brooms, and the Lithia’s passengers are -lying, gasping, on the cravenette deck. The lookout sends word that he -can’t see a pair of deuces. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has ordered the rose-sprinkler turned on and the -electric-fans started. - - ⁂ - -The dust-fog lifted for a few moments, and the passengers were seen -to be leaping overboard. The Bos’un performed yoehoman service in -rescuing the imperilled and helping the weak ones back on the Wagon. A -collection was taken up to purchase him a silver-plated swinging -ice-pitcher. - - ⁂ - -6.45 P. M.—The Mate took soundings, and reported no bottom. The -Captain announced that, from the depth of water, we must be nearing -Wall Street. The Mate was ordered to ring for a messenger-boy and send -him after a pilot. - - ⁂ - -8 P. M.—The Mate boxed the compass and the compass won on points. - - ⁂ - -The Committee on Jonah have been through the vessel like a pack of -ferrets, and report that the Jonah can be no other than Moxie Matzoon, -alias Moxie Grandpa. The report of the Committee was accepted and -ordered inscribed on the records. A special copy, engrossed on -parchment, will be sent to the Hon. Bromo S. Emerson, of Baltimore. - - ⁂ - -Very dull in the smoking-room to-night. Nothing doing but a game of -tiddlywinks on the O. P. side. Roderick Dhuar, a reformed Scotch -barkeep, enlivened the hours by playing “Comin’ Through the Rye,” -with variations, on the cash register. When he finished he found he -owed the Steward $22.30. He gave his I O U. - - ⁂ - -Shortly after midnight the lookout reported a strange light on the -port bow. It turned out to be an electric advertisement, reading, - - WHEN ALL IN AND SPEECHLESS, - MAKE SIGNS FOR BRICKTOP RYE - -At this touch of the real thing, the Lithia’s passengers perked up -considerably, and the yell that greeted the sign sounded like a dog -being run over by a Mercedes. - - -+Here endeth the fourth day of the cruise.+ - - - - -Quoth the Red Raven: “Nevermore!” - - - - -OMAR ON THE WAGON - - -I. - - Before the last hour of the Old Year died, - Methought a voice without the Tavern cried: - “Oh, cut it out, Khayyam; there’s nothing in’t. - The Water Wagon waits you. Take a ride!” - -II. - - So, with the echoes of the New Year’s chimes - The thoughtful Soul upon the Wagon climbs, - Cuts out the Grape, and promises to reach - The Bosom of his Family betimes. - -III. - - At home by six, for Dinner with the Frau; - Early to bed and rise; a little Cow - And Seltzer when I line up with the Boys: - That’s mine. I’m on the Water Wagon now. - -IV. - - A Moment’s Halt—a momentary taste - Of Water from the Wagon!—Oh, make haste - And climb aboard! Aqua is sweeter far - Than all the Grape Goods that were ever cased. - -V. - - For some we loved, the loveliest and the best, - Who tried to beat the Game, are now at rest. - They set ’em back, and set ’em back, and then - Were gathered to the Kingdom of the Blest. - -VI. - - Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before - I swore, and I was honest when I swore. - And then the Wagon bumped the Curb, and I - Was jolted off into a Liquor Store. - -VII. - - They say that Tom and Dick and Harry keep - The Bars at which I gloried and drank deep. - Well, let them keep them. I am feeling fit, - And feeding well, and catching up my sleep. - -VIII. - - I used to think that never blows so red - The Cherry as when Maraschinoed; - And watching Barney fish them from the Pot - I have acquired, at times, a lovely Head. - -IX. - - And that reviving Herb whose tender Green - Fledges the River-Lip—how oft I’ve seen - The Barkeep make a Julep with its leaves, - The while upon the Bar I’d lightly lean. - -X. - - But now, my Friends, I’ve had my last Carouse, - And made a Second Marriage in my house; - Divorced the wanton Daughter of the Vine - And taken Neptune’s daughter for my Spouse. - -XI. - - Yon rising Moon that looks for us again— - How oft hereafter will she wax and wane; - How oft hereafter rising look for us - Through the Roof Gardens—and for me in vain! - -XII. - - When in your joyous Pilgrimage you pass - Along the line of Beer and Stout and Bass - And Rye and Scotch and Fizz, and reach the place - Where I made One—turn down an empty Glass. - - - - -+Fifth Day+ - - - - -You can’t tell the age of whiskey by looking at its teeth.—King -William. - - ⁂ - -The truth is mighty and will prevail. When you come home with a -package don’t tell your wife you’ve been shopping.—Socrates. - - - - -LOG -- Fifth Day - - -The sun rose half an hour late. Eggley Monade, the ship’s wag, -suggested that Old Sol’s safety-razor must have been out of whack. The -Mate belted him with a piece of tarred rope, and Doctor Zoolak with -the compass needle took seven stitches. - - ⁂ - -Shortly before noon we picked up the Stock Exchange light, and the -Lithia was slowed down. - - ⁂ - -Took on Tom Lawson, the pilot, who knows right off the reel, without -sounding, the depth of water at every point in the dangerous channel -of Wall Street. Tom brought aboard his magazine-gun, which he mounted -at the bow, remarking jovially that he might take a crack at a pirate -or two. - - ⁂ - -Entered the channel, with Trinity cliffs astern. Pilot Lawson is at -the wheel, looking very wise. Everybody’s watching him. - - ⁂ - -An indignation meeting has been called on the two-for-a-quarter deck -by excited passengers who promised their wives, sweethearts, and -parents to keep out of Wall Street. They demand that the vessel be put -back. The Pilot remarked, grimly, that it is harder to get out of Wall -Street than into it. He advises all hands to hang on and wait for a -rise. - - ⁂ - -A little before 3 P. M. the lookout shouted, “Maelstrom dead ahead!” -A panic resulted, and the cry went up that Lawson was a bum pilot. -Strong and willing hands tore him from the wheel, and, pursued by the -infuriated passengers and crew, he ran down the deck and dove over the -taffrail, yawping: “I will have something to say next month!” - - ⁂ - -“We are lost!” the Captain shouted, as he staggered down the stairs. -Putting three chips on the red, he spun the wheel to starboard. Round -and round in the clutches of the maelstrom spun the good ship Lithia. -“Whee!” cried Hennessy Martel, “this is like old times. First good -whirl my head’s had since the Lambs’ Club gambol.” - - ⁂ - -2.56 P. M.—The Lithia seems hopelessly lost. The passengers, with -blanched faces, are swapping farewells and keepsakes. - - ⁂ - -2.58 P. M.—Gottlieb Kirschwasser, of Milwaukee, lost his head, (the -one he came aboard with), and, screaming, “Heute rot, Morgen tot! Auf -wiedersehen!” hurled himself overboard. - - ⁂ - -3 P.M.—Saved! The Stock Exchange bell struck three, and the maelstrom -knocked off for the day. The Lithia’s passengers joyfully returned to -one another the keepsakes and farewells, and Kirschwasser was fished -out of the drink with a boat-hook and put in the boiler-room to dry. - - ⁂ - -4 P. M.—We have left Wall Street, and are bowling along toward White -Rock Point, and kicking up an awful dust. - - ⁂ - -The drouth has become intolerable, and the sufferings of the -passengers are increasing hourly. The deck-planks are curling up, and -the oakum is oozing from the seams. - - ⁂ - -The barometer exploded with a loud pop, and Hennessy Martel, -wild-eyed, ran up the main hatch, crying, “Is that George Kessler -opening wine?” “No such luck,” gurgled Tom Ginn, who was spraying his -throat with Blisterine. - - ⁂ - -Old Medford, the Water Wagon veteran, says he doesn’t remember a -voyage attended by so many disasters. “We must get rid of the Jonah,” -said he. - - ⁂ - -4.44 P. M.—The Captain made a neat little speech from the bridge, and -presented to each passenger a dry-point picture of the good ship -Lithia. Most of them were flung overboard. - - ⁂ - -After supper the Captain, a most considerate man, gave a smoker, in -order to take the minds of the passengers off their fearful thirst. -A Keith circuit top-liner, who has a whole page and his picture in -“Who’s Who on the Water Wagon,” gave an imitation of an actor -refusing a drink. The audience overlooked the screaming absurdity of -the plot in their admiration for the artistic performance. - - ⁂ - -Professor Argus, the mind wizard, offered to read the minds of all the -audience at one crack. Challenged to perform this astounding feat, the -Professor smiled and said, “You are all thinking that it is almost -time for a long cold highball.” Crackling shouts of admiration came -from the parched throats of the audience, and the protest, “Fake! -Fake! Somebody must have told you!” - - ⁂ - -Harvey Steele, a floor-walker in a wholesale anchor house, was the -next entertainer. He gave a realistic imitation of a crooked barkeep -playing on an upright cash register. When he finished the audience -declared there was nothing in it. - - ⁂ - -An amateur hypnotist was the next to oblige. “Will some gentleman -kindly step up and assist the Professor in this demonstration?” he -requested. Dead silence; nobody made a move. The Professor smiled -patiently, and repeated his request; no takers. Finally the Captain, -who had drifted in, stepped up, remarking, “Try your stunt on me, -Professor.” (Deafening applause.) The amateur hypnotist took the -Captain in hand and made a few passes at him, and he took the count in -six seconds. “Happy man!” cried the Professor, fixing the subject with -his glittering eye. “Happy man! you are soused for fair, and are -opening vintage wine.” “Whee!” said the Captain, bracing himself -against Davy Jones’s locker. “Frappe two more quarts! Line up, boys!” -(Tumultuous applause, and cries of “Don’t wake him up!”) But the -Professor did wake him up, and the Captain bowed sheepishly and -returned to the wheel-house. “Will some other gentleman kindly step -up?” asked the Amateur Hypnotist. The scramble that followed made the -rush-hour at the Brooklyn Bridge look like a chess tournament. In the -jam the Professor’s shoulder was dislocated, putting him out of -business. - - ⁂ - -2 A. M.—Hennessy Martel has tied a string around his thumb to remind -himself to take a drink the minute he gets off the Wagon. - - -+Here endeth the fifth day of the cruise.+ - - - - -“THE DARKEST HOUR” - - -When a gentleman is deposited on his door-mat by a friendly copper, -like a cake of ice or a jar of milk, his sense of humour is -wonderfully acute. To tip over an aquarium of goldfish on his way -through the hall strikes him as the height of the ridiculous, and the -flopping of the little fishes and turtles on the Persian rug throws -him into spasms of stifled mirth. He chuckles himself into hiccoughs -over his vain attempts to unlace his shoes while lying on his back, -and his progress up-stairs on all fours is accompanied by joyous -giggles. When he loses his equilibrium and rolls back down-stairs, he -sits up and says: “God pity the men at sea on a night like this!” - -He is now serious. He turns on all the electric lights and remarks, -censoriously: “Here it is broad daylight, the front stoop unswept, and -not a soul in the house up.” In this spirit of criticism he ascends to -his wife’s room, and, as she raises her head from the pillow for one -comprehensive glance, he says, sternly: “Things are going from bad to -worse in this house.” - -To her icy rejoinder, “Is that any reason why you should come home in -this condition?” he replies, with unruffled importance: “The kitchen -fire is out; the canary hasn’t been fed; the piano isn’t dusted; and -look at this!” He holds up a ravelling. “Found it right in the middle -of the hall! What kind of housekeeping do you call that? Why, if I -tried to run my business that way, we’d all be in the poor-house.” - -Softly and soothingly his spouse returns: “Frank, if you’ll lay the -two goldfish on the bureau and come to bed, we’ll have a long talk -about it in the morning.” - -And they do. - - - - -Dr. Bugg Howes - -OCULIST - - -Room 26, Hygeia Building - -If you see things, I can help you! - -One bottle of my celebrated BUGGINE will clear the sight of all -imaginary objects. Menageries removed by my painless process. - -If you see objects double, an application of SKATORIA OINTMENT will -put you right. - -Send for booklet of testimonials from prominent actors, Congressmen, -journalists, and club-men,—printed by special permission. - -“SEEING IS NOT BELIEVING!” - - - - -+Sixth Day+ - - - - -Always keep your powder dry—that’s all.—Mennen. - - ⁂ - -Beware of the man who picks things off your coat lapel while -conversing with you. He never buys.—Fra Elbertus. - - - - -LOG -- Sixth Day - - -The morning opened as still and dry as Boston after 11 P. M. The sun -rose red as an auction flag against a cold-gravy sky, and the -atmosphere is heavy with something doing. The Captain, solemn as a -night-clerk in a Raines Law hotel, is at the wheel, and the Lookout is -pop-eyed. A few insomniacal passengers are pacing the deck like a man -who has been called for margin, and are bothering the Captain with -fool questions. The Captain has put on a pair of plush ear-muffs. - - ⁂ - -11 A. M.—Dirty weather ahead. The Lithia is logging her limit, in an -effort to weather White Rock Point before the storm breaks. - - ⁂ - -11.20 A. M.—The Lookout reports a siphon-shaped cloud off the weather -bow. The air is laden with dust, and is coming in dry hot puffs. Tom -Ginn thinks we are running into another automobile party, but Old -Medford says we are up against worse than that. - - ⁂ - -11.30 A. M.—The wind has risen to half a gale, and the dust is -settling on the Lithia’s decks like the soot from a smoking -nickel-plated banquet-lamp. Most of the passengers have turned out, -prepared for anything. - - ⁂ - -Gottlieb Kirschwasser has just made his will, bequeathing his -collection of dried butterflies and a set of Schiller’s works to the -Milwaukee Gemuthlich Society. - - ⁂ - -11.45 A. M.—The pink rats are deserting the ship. - - ⁂ - -A tidal wave of dust swept over us, carrying away the life-boat and -Kirschwasser’s meerschaum pipe with a galloping horse carved on it. -Kirschwasser says he won it at a pinochle tournament in Munich, and is -crazed by the loss. Nobody else seems to caradam. - - ⁂ - -The Steward has distributed auto goggles, but the passengers are still -unable to see three fingers before their faces. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has turned the wheel over to the Mate, and has gone among -the passengers, striving to reassure them. It seems we are off the -Axminster Carpet Cleaning Works, beside which Cape Hatteras is a -goldfish aquarium. - - ⁂ - -The sufferings of the passengers baffle description. Everybody feels -that this is his last trip on the Wagon. Hennessy Martel has tied -another string around his thumb, to remind himself to make it two -drinks when he gets off. - - ⁂ - -Old Medford, who is as mad as a conductor when you give him five -pennies, insists that the Jonah be dumped overboard. A dogged, -determined committee has gone below to yank out Moxie Grandpa, who, as -old Medford says, is an interloper, anyway, and has no more business -on the Water Wagon than a trousers stretcher in a young ladies’ -seminary. - - ⁂ - -Later.—Old Matzoon has been dragged up from the hold, kicking and -clawing, and the passengers are balloting on the proper disposition of -him. - - ⁂ - -While the ballot was being taken, another tidal wave of dust broke -over the hapless Lithia, and the enraged passengers and crew cried in -chorus, “Over with the Jonah!” The wretched Moxie fiend was thereupon -flung into the trailer, despite the protests of the magenta elephant -and the Scotch-plaid guinea-pig. - - ⁂ - -At 1.20 P. M. the Lithia grounded with a fearful crash, and the -billows of dust that broke over her carried away the sprinkler and all -the spokes in the aft wheel. A composite picture of John B. Gough and -Carrie Nation fell to the cabin floor and was totally wrecked. - - ⁂ - -Buried in dust from deck to trucks, the Lithia lay on her side, -pounding like a farmer at Coney Island on a “Try Your Strength” -machine. The good old Wagon was doomed. Nothing could hold in such a -simoom. - - ⁂ - -The Captain shouted down-wind, “Cut away the trailer!” The ship’s -Carpenter, with hammer and cold-chisel, severed the tow-line, and the -menagerie vanished in the dust. - - ⁂ - -At 1.35 the Lithia sprung a bunch of leaks, and every drop of water -ran out of her. We are now high and horribly dry. Hennessy Martel has -tied still another string around his thumb, to remind himself to make -it three drinks when he gets off. His hand is beginning to look like a -hammock. - - ⁂ - -At 1.50 P. M. orders were given to lighten ship. We threw over ten -bales of temperance pledges, fifty cases malted milk, thirty-two cases -sarsaparilla, eighteen carboys root beer, twenty-seven vats lemon -soda, two hundred and thirty-five gallons mineral water, the library, -the band, the cash register, seventy-five bundles of blue ribbons, the -water-cooler and three tons of cracked ice, the pianola, Gottlieb -Kirschwasser, and Doctor Zoolak. The Lithia righted, and it looks as -if the gallant craft will ride it out. Cheers are rattling from the -warped throats of passengers and crew. - - ⁂ - -2 P. M.—We are lost! A fresh consignment of boarding-house carpets has -just been thrown under the slapsticks at the Cleaning Works. This is -the limit of dirty weather. - - ⁂ - -Hurrah! A St. Bernard dog with a little brown jug tied to his neck is -battling his way toward the doomed Water Wagon. Good old Nero! - - ⁂ - -The St. Bernard has leaped aboard. Merciful heavens! the jug contains -arnica! We have torn off Nero’s license tag and chucked him overboard. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel is maudlin and weeping on my pleated shirt-front. “In -case you pull through, old man,” he says, “tell my poor little wife -(the tall one) that my insurance policy is in the kitchen clock with -the milk tickets.” - - ⁂ - -2.20 P. M.—We have launched the life-raft, and stocked it hastily with -the following supplies: One case Jack Spratt’s assorted dog biscuits, -two dozen golf balls, a crate of sponges, two telephone books, one -“Little Giant” gas-stove, one “Little Gem” safety lawn-mower, six -dozen Lady Macbeth lamp-chimneys, one Prospect Park croquet set, four -wheelbarrows, one roll-top desk, and one Colonial highboy with glass -knobs. This outfit will keep us going for a few days. - - ⁂ - -At 2.30 P. M. we cut away the life-raft and pushed off, and we are now -pitching and tossing on the dusty billows. Heaven only knows how much -longer our sufferings will be prolonged. - - ⁂ - -I am parched and weary, and my pencil is worn to the quick. Ho, -Steward, fetch me a milk-bottle with a patent stopper! I must commit -these writings to the restless sea. - - Go, little Log, from this our solitude; - We cast thee on the waters—go thy ways. - And if thy luck (unlike our own) be good, - Some one will read thee after many days. - - - - - So here endeth the Log of the Water - Wagon, as hammered into English - by the Authors on Watt’ell - paper; the illustrations by - Saint Louis, and the whole - done into a book by the - H. M. Caldwell Co., at - Boston, which is near - Bunker Hill, in the - State of Massa- - chusetts, in the - y e a r O n e - Th ou s a nd - N i n e - H u n- - d r e d - a n d - Five - - '¡' - - - - -[Endpaper: Dissolution] - - - - -Transcriber’s Note - -Inconsistent hyphenation (drydock/dry-dock) has been left as printed -in the original. - -Typographic conventions are _italic_, =bold=, and +blackletter+. - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Water Wagon, by -Bert Leston Taylor and W. C. 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