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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e30dcd7 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #60022 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60022) diff --git a/old/60022-0.txt b/old/60022-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f40d8e2..0000000 --- a/old/60022-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2176 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Water Wagon, by -Bert Leston Taylor and W. C. Gibson - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Log of the Water Wagon - or The Cruise of the Good Ship 'Lithia' - -Author: Bert Leston Taylor - W. C. Gibson - -Illustrator: L. M. Glackens - -Release Date: July 31, 2019 [EBook #60022] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOG OF THE WATER WAGON *** - - - - -Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Wilson and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - -[Endpaper: Resolution] - - - - -THE LOG OF THE WATER WAGON - - - - - +--------------------------------------+ - | | - | This is an unlimited edition, of | - | which this copy is No. 69,850. | - | | - | If you wish a higher number, your | - | bookseller will gladly supply you. | - | | - +--------------------------------------+ - - - - -[Illustration: THE ORIGINAL WATER WAGON] - - - - -THE LOG of THE WATER WAGON - - or - -THE CRUISE OF THE GOOD SHIP “LITHIA” - - -BY BERT LESTON TAYLOR _and_ W. C. GIBSON - -ILLUSTRATIONS _by_ L. M. GLACKENS - -[Illustration: Bacchus and Neptune] - -PUBLISHED BY H. M. CALDWELL CO. BOSTON - - - - - _Copyright, 1905_ - By H. M. Caldwell Co. - - - _COLONIAL PRESS_ - _Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co. - Boston, U.S.A._ - - - - -FOREWORD - - -If you don’t like this book, write to the authors about it. Don’t -bother the publishers: they are too busy selling it. - - - - -DEDICATION - - -To all surviving saloon passengers of the good ship Lithia, who have -rounded the Horn and passed through perilous Beering Straits, and -suffered shipwreck, shock, and sudden thirst: to those intrepid souls -who have clung to the slippery hull of the Water Wagon when it seemed -the gallant craft could not live another hour; who, lashed to the -sprinkler, have ridden out many a choking dust-storm; who have heard -the cafe Lorelei sing, and still hung on, deaf to her seductive song: -and— - -To the memory of countless thousands lost at sea, swept into the -seething drink without a word of warning, cut off in the blossoms of -their resolutions, and sent to their slate accounts with all their -imperfections on their heads— - -This little volume is affectionately dedicated. - - - - -EDITORS’ NOTE - - -The Log of the Water Wagon was compiled from memoranda found in a -floating milk-bottle with a patent stopper, flung overboard just -before the good ship “Lithia” foundered in a fearful simoom off White -Rock Point. The notes, pencilled in a trembling hand, on the backs of -blank temperance pledges, I O U’s, and wine-lists, were barely -legible, testifying to the fearful condition of the unknown writer’s -tongue, manifestly incapable of moistening the pencil. - -With the notes were enclosed a Water Wagon folder, showing itinerary, -rules and regulations, points of interest touched at, etc., a fragment -of a clipping from the New York Sun, and sundry moral reflections upon -life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. - -The editors have preserved, as far as possible, the spirit and -literary style of the Log-keeper, whose identity is an interesting -conjecture. His fate, and that of his fellow passengers, is shrouded -in mystery. - - - - -[Illustration: Table covered with bottles] - -TABLE OF CONTENTS - - - FOR OTHER CONTENTS - SEE BODY OF BOOK - - - - -[Illustration: St Bromo] - - - - -[Newspaper clipping: THE SUN, - -THE WATER WAGON DEPARTS. - -GOOD SHIP LITHIA HEAVILY LOADED SAILS ON CRUISE. - - -Fresh from the drydock, glistening in new white paint, her blue -streamers snapping in the breeze, loaded to the limit with -enthusiastic and babbling passengers, the Water Wagon left last night -on another perilous voyage. A tremendous crowd was present to see her -off. The surging mass of well-wishers included relatives and friends -of the passengers, a large delegation from the International -Federation of Mineral Water Bottlers, and representatives from the -W. C. T. U., Band of Hope, Never Again League, and other dusty -associations. - -The farewell presents to the passengers were unusually numerous. These -included hot-water bags with “Bon Voyage” hand-painted on them, silver -bonbon boxes containing soda mint and lithia tablets, individual -cut-glass bromo-seltzer bottles, water lilies, watermelons, and other -fruit and flowers. - -Just before the hour for sailing happy little speeches were made by -the Superintendent of the Water Works, the Commissioner of Irrigation, -and the Hon. Bromo S. Emerson, of Ballato, whose sizzling oratory was -received with terrific applause. - -Promptly at midnight a bottle of sarsaparilla was broken on the -Lithia’s sprinkler, the gang-hose was uncoupled and hauled aboard, and -the Water Wagon glided gracefully away from her moorings. - -A score or more of belated passengers came straggling down the pier -and finding] - - - - -GENERAL INFORMATION - - -In making reservations, the passenger’s real name, not the -station-house name, must be given, in full. All “John Smiths” will be -regarded with suspicion, and must be satisfactorily identified. - -Seats as well as berths will be assigned for the entire voyage. For a -few choice seats next the water-cooler a small additional fee will be -asked. - -No life-preservers will be found in staterooms. Do not ask for them. - -No “bundles” will be allowed in staterooms, nor allowed to lie around -the decks. - -Excellent concerts will be rendered every evening in the main saloon -by the Band of Hope. A select library will be found in the -smoking-room. Water-marked stationery is also at the disposal of all -first-class passengers. - -Don’t try to get on the Wagon while it is in motion. It is the -Captain’s business to stop for loads. If he does not stop when -flagged, you will know he is full. - -When rounding the sharp curve at the Pousse Cafe, passengers are -cautioned to hold fast. - -Passengers feeling their anchors dragging, and seized with a sudden -desire to leap from the Wagon, should apply to purser for parachutes. - -Stop-overs will be allowed at Vichy Springs, Delaware Water Gap, and -Waterbury only. - -No transfers given on transfers. - -Passengers losing any of their wheels will find them in the -wheel-house. - -No rain-checks will be given out. This is a dry cruise. - -Buy a round-trip ticket and save money. - -All mail received en route will be read aloud by the steward at -sunset. - -SPECIAL INFORMATION.—In looking toward the bow of the vessel, the -left-hand side is port. The right-hand is sherry. - - - - -+First Day+ - - - - -Hitch your wagon to a star. If it’s the Water Wagon, tie it to the -Great Dipper.—Emerson. - - ⁂ - - I often wonder where the old moons go - After they once get full and disappear. - Do they, I wonder, pilot to and fro - The men who quit the Wagon year by year? - —Copernicus. - - - - -LOG -- First Day - - - NOTE.—The writer of this record, being the only sober passenger - aboard the Good Ship “Lithia,” has been requested by the Captain - to keep the Log. The Captain kindly explains that a log is a thing - in which you put down the daily occurrences on board ship. I have - kept a dog, and a valet, and a thirst, and other things, but a log - is sure a new proposition. But, dash my tarry toplights, here - goes. Avast there, my hearties! Yeo-heave-ho! Yo-ho! - -At midnight we left the Bar, and got under way, with a big tide and -the wind souse-souse-east and piping free. - - ⁂ - -Everybody aboard, barring the writer, is thoroughly saturated. I -counted fifty-seven varieties of pickle. - - ⁂ - -Later.—It seems I was mistaken about having left the Bar. The Captain -announces through the ventilator that he is stuck on the Bar. Loud -cheers from the passengers, and cries of, “So say we all of us!” - - ⁂ - -Lightened ship by throwing overboard two bales of temperance pledges -and ten cases of sarsaparilla. The Captain announces that we are off -the Bar. Groans. - - ⁂ - -I am suspicious of the pilot. He hasn’t flashed a single pilot-biscuit -since he came aboard. - - ⁂ - -The Lithia is reeling off eight knots an hour. Wind still -souse-souse-east and piping free. Weather so-so. - - ⁂ - -The passengers, misled by the name, are in the saloon, calling loudly -for drinks and hammering on the tables. The Captain announces through -the ventilator that he will turn the hose on them. Cheers, and cries -of “Louder!” - - ⁂ - -The uproar in the saloon continues. An entertainer is giving a -realistic imitation of a man mixing a cocktail. Tremendous applause, -and shouts of “Great, old man!” A young water curate has volunteered -to go among the noisy pirates and try to soothe them. - - ⁂ - -Later.—The water curate has been thrown down the companion-way. - - ⁂ - -Loud splash on the starboard side. We have dropped the pilot. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has ordered the First Mate to take the wheel. The Mate is -in the saloon, bound hand and foot, and the passengers are singing -“How Can I Bear to Leave Thee.” The Lithia is going around in a -circle. - - ⁂ - -The Mate has been rescued, and has laid a course for Carbonic Light. I -asked him if a mate’s wife is called a room-mate. He said he didn’t -know, but the midshipmite. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has just taken soundings, but reports that he can’t hear a -thing. So much noise in the saloon. - - ⁂ - -Tom Ginn, the noisiest of the bunch, has been put in irons for -demanding an old-fashioned cocktail and inciting the passengers to -mutiny. The clanking of his chains is having a quieting effect on the -other pirates. - - ⁂ - -3 A. M.—Passed the trim little craft Coryphee, homeward bound, loaded -with lobsters and champagne. Wigwagged to her that her starboard light -was out and that her hair was coming down. She signalled back, “On -your way.” - - ⁂ - -Ran afoul of a fleet of full-rigged Johnnies, stuck on Shanley’s -oyster-beds. Offered to take them aboard the Wagon, but they -vociferously refused. Said they’d just got off one. - - ⁂ - -The Captain took the Sun as soon as it came out, and reported that we -were a hell of a way from the Equator. - - ⁂ - -Passed a ragtime whistling buoy. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel, an amateur Ancient Mariner, got into the calcium for -a minute by trying to shoot a nighthawk, claiming it was an albatross. -The Captain gave him the water cure. - - ⁂ - -Spoke a tramp tank steamer, Red Booze Line, Captain Handout. “Ahoy! -What ship is that?” hailed Captain Handout. “The Water Wagon,” I -replied through the Captain’s megaphone. “Keep off!” he yelled, and -crowded on all sail. - - ⁂ - -Shipped a heavy swell rolling in from the Faro Banks. - - ⁂ - -Eight bells and all’s well. - - -+Here endeth the first day of the cruise.+ - - - - -BAGGAGE REGULATIONS - - -Each full ticket entitles passenger to one load. A load and a -hang-over will be charged as excess baggage. - -All baggage must be checked by our regular inspector before departure. -Contraband baggage, such as bottled cocktails, case goods, whiskey -capsules, brandied cherries, etc., will be confiscated. - -ANIMALS, BIRDS, AND OTHER PETS will not be allowed on the main wagon, -nor allowed to run alongside. All such must be put in charge of the -steward, who will tag them and place them in a trailer, where they -will be fed and cared for, and permitted to drink out of the trough -of the sea. - -All animals will be returned to owners at end of voyage; or, if -desired, the steward will send them to any designated circus or -menagerie. - -No passenger will be allowed more than three purple monkeys or two -dozen red, white, and blue snakes. No magenta elephant weighing more -than twenty tons will be received in the trailer, as the -accommodations are limited. No mastodons of any colour will be -accepted. - -The management will not be responsible for any accident or change of -colour these pets may undergo. We cannot guarantee fast colours. - -Striped mice, polka-dot lizards, Scotch-plaid guinea-pigs, and other -small animals, and all perishable buggage, will be carried at owner’s -risk. - - - - -THE WATER WAGON BAND - - -Every evening in the main saloon, from 8 to 10, our own Band of Hope -will discourse the following musical favourites: - - “Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes.” - “Wait for the Wagon.” - “The Old Oaken Bucket.” - “Father, Dear Father.” - “Down by the River.” - “When the Swallows Homeward Fly.” - -_NOTE.—Any attention on the part of the audience will be appreciated -by the Bandmaster._ - - - - -SHIP’S ITINERARY - - - Leave the Bar 8 bells - Pass Rye Beach 6 bells - Off the Faro Banks 3 bells - Near High Ballston Spa 4 bells - Arrive Vichy Springs 7 bells - Weather Cape Casegoods 2 bells - Nearing Prohibition Park 8 bells - Arrive Delaware Water Gap 1 bell - Pass Croton Reservoir 5 bells - Round Apollinaris Bottling Works 6 bells - Weather White Rock Point 4 bells - Arrive at Waterbury 8 bells - -_The management reserves the right to change the itinerary at any old -bell time._ - - - - -NUTT - -The Square Hatter - -132 1–2 WATER STREET - -Big Heads My Specialty - -Any Size Head Fitted - - -Ask to see my =Adjustable, Telescopic Noiseless Hats=. (_Patent -Pending._) Just the thing for the Water Wagon. No springs or metal -used. Will expand or contract as conditions require. Space in -sweat-band for cracked ice. Money refunded if we don’t make good. - -Stretching done at your own home the morning after. - -Telephone, Derby 8 3–4 - -=“You get the Head, and we’ll put a Lid on it”= - - - - -+Second Day+ - - - - -Most of the gold-cures are only plated, and it soon wears off.—Keeley. - - ⁂ - -Men’s evil manners live in rum. Their virtues we write in -water.—Shakespeare. - - - - -LOG -- Second Day - - -The morning opened on a full house, and everybody stayed—in bed. -Barometer throbbing feverishly, indicating a long dry spell. - - ⁂ - -The breakfast-gong was sounded by the Steward, but not a soul made a -move. Cries of “Lynch him!” from the staterooms. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has been looking over the Log, and says I keep it like a -butcher’s book. I told him to keep it himself if he didn’t like it. - - ⁂ - -11 A. M.—The Steward got everybody on deck by turning in a still -alarm that the next round was on the house. The push dressed like a -commuter making the 8.13 train. Everybody voted it a dirty trick. - - ⁂ - -11.30 A. M.—Tied up at Water Tank No. 1, and took on fifty cases of -lemon soda and sarsaparilla, and a case of malted milk for Moxie -Matzoon, alias Moxie Grandpa,—a stowaway, who was discovered soon -after we cleared the Bar. He is suspected of being the staff -correspondent of the Weekly Water Cooler. He doesn’t seem to be -popular. - - ⁂ - -12.30 P. M.—The Captain took a lunar observation, and reported that -we were in latitude 58:12 W. from Greenwich, Conn. I asked him how he -managed to observe the moon in the middle of the day, and he referred -me to the Information Bureau. Crusty old chap. - - ⁂ - -Whale sighted. He was blowing his friends. Cheers from the waterproof -deck, and cries of “I’ll take the same!” - - ⁂ - -At 3 P. M. mutiny broke out among the passengers, but it was quelled -by the Captain with his trusty little marlingspike. Doctor Zoolak, -the ship’s surgeon, diagnosed the case as thirst, not mutiny. - - ⁂ - -The undertow of dissatisfaction among the passengers continues. -Hennessy Martel called a mass-meeting on the port side, and the Wagon -almost turned turtle. “Trim ship!” commanded the Captain from the -bridge, and Eggley Monade, who is a regular wag, asked him if he -thought we were a bunch of dressmakers. - - ⁂ - -Passed the Can Buoy on Wurzburger Shoals. Some of the boys started to -rush it. - - ⁂ - -Loan sharks have been following the Lithia all day. The Mate says this -is a sign that there’s a dead one on board. Jim Sling says there will -be one, all right, if he doesn’t fall off pretty soon. Jim is a sore -pup. - - ⁂ - -Just before 6 P. M. the Lithia sprung a leak, and we lost considerable -water. Something has also happened to the hydraulic engines, and the -Captain has given orders to let go the dope-sheet. - - ⁂ - -A round-robin has been sent to the Captain, requesting him to touch -at the Aquarium, for a look at the tanks. - - ⁂ - -The crew held a First Aid to the Foolish drill, and were instructed -what to do in case a passenger attempts to fall off the Wagon. - - ⁂ - -Guinness Stout and the Count of Maraschino had a hot argument over the -meaning of “load water line,” the Count maintaining that there was no -such thing. They appealed to the Captain, who told them they were both -wrong, and that A wins the box of fudge. - - ⁂ - -The water-cooler has been emptied four times since noon, and the boys -are now eating the ice. The Captain has put everybody on quarter -rations, and the Steward is serving cracked ice in capsules, only one -to a customer. - - ⁂ - -Tom Ginn has again been put in irons for demanding an Angora pousse -cafe. - - ⁂ - -No casualties to date, barring one passenger, name unknown, who was -badly punctured by stepping on a starboard tack. - - ⁂ - -Shortly before midnight a mix-up of red and green lights off the -weather bow had the Captain going for a minute. It turned out to be a -cut-rate drug-store. - - ⁂ - -12 P. M.—The decks were swabbed with Apollinaris; the Ingersol -night-watch was wound up, the cat put out and the back door locked, -and peace brooded over the waters. - - -+Here endeth the second day of the cruise.+ - - - - -THE WIFE’S MORNING AFTER - - -He—“The boys had a rattling time at our house last night.” - -She—(surveying the mess)—“Empty beer-bottles, nearly empty -whiskey-bottle, half-empty glasses, empty siphons, distorted corks, -fragments of sandwiches, remnants of cheese, crumbled crackers, -fugitive olive-pits, beer-stained doilies, stream from recumbent -catsup-bottle meandering across Aunt Martha’s embroidered centrepiece, -cigar and cigarette stubs in salad-bowl—over all a Vesuvian deposit of -ashes. And breakfast only twenty minutes away!” - - - - -_FIRST AID TO THE INJURED_ - - -In case of a fall from the Water Wagon, prompt action will often save -the victim. - -While the life-line is being cast and the breeches-buoy rigged, lay -the sufferer on his back and spray him thoroughly with a siphon of -carbonic until signs of consciousness appear. In the majority of cases -his first words will be: “Make mine a rye highball.” You will then -repeat the siphon treatment, at the same time making a few passes over -him and reciting monotonously in his ear: “Water, water everywhere, -and not a drop to drink.” - -Usually this will produce a condition in which the breeches-buoy can -be quickly adjusted and the sufferer hauled back on the Wagon. If it -fails, work his arms up and down like pump-handles, and exclaim in -threatening tones: “Your wife is coming back on the 5.03 train.” If -his eyes remain glazed and his struggles continue, add harshly: “She -telegraphs that Mother is coming with her.” Complete coma should -result. If not, it can be induced by tactfully whispering: “The next -round is on the house.” This has never failed. - -The breeches-buoy may now be attached and the sufferer snaked aboard -the Wagon and lashed to the tank. - -During his convalescence a friend should be constantly at his side, -reading to him the history of the Johnstown flood. A single chapter -has worked wonders. - - - - -THE WATER WAGON LIBRARY - - -The following carefully selected list of Books may be had by applying -to any of the deck-hands. They need not be returned. - - “D’ri and I” (Batcheller). - “Many Waters” (Shackleford). - “The Desert” (White). - “Many Cargoes” (Jacobs). - “The Water Babies” (Kingsley). - “Ebb Tide” (Stevenson). - “Frenzied Frappes” (Lawson). - “The Two Van Revellers” (Tankington). - - - - -Stop that Merry-Go-Round!! - - -Do things revolve when you retire? Does your room whirl like a -fly-wheel in a power-house? Does your trunk go by like the Twentieth -Century Limited? Do you feel as if you were looping the loop? If so, -you can flag the merry-go-round with one of - -=Professor Bunn’s Patent Plugs for Pifflicated People= - -One of these, inserted anywhere in the wall, will bring things to a -stand-still, or, put in place before retiring, will insure a quiet -night’s rest. - -DON’T SLEEP LIKE A TOP! - - - - -+Third Day+ - - - - -When you move from Brooklyn, be sure to burn your bridge tickets -behind you.—McKelway. - - ⁂ - -Treat, and the world drinks with you; quit, and it leaves you -alone.—Horace. - - - - -LOG -- Third Day - - -The morning opened clear and extra dry. Big head winds. The Mate tried -to take the Sun, but the sky was cloudy, so he took the Tribune. - - ⁂ - -Barometer extra brut. Wind S. W. and scorching. - - ⁂ - -The saloon sounds like a dog-show. Everybody has a dry, hacking cough. - - ⁂ - -The Steward, assisted by the Ship’s Valet, dusted off the tongues of -the passengers and sprayed them with Blisterine. They were very -grateful, and a collection has been taken up to purchase a loving-cup -for him. - - ⁂ - -Spoke the brewery barge Budweiser, outward bound, Captain Umlaut. The -Budweiser fired a salute of four dozen bottles, not one of which, -unfortunately, reached the Lithia’s deck. In a heroic effort to rescue -a bottle, Tom Collins fell overboard. He was picked up by a fishing -party, and when last seen was eating the bait. - - ⁂ - -A blood-curdling screech has come up through the ventilator, and the -Captain has gone below with a marlingspike. - - ⁂ - -Later.—The Captain has returned. It seems that the Valet scorched -Hennessy Martel’s tongue trying to iron the wrinkles out of it. The -rest of us have decided on dry massage for ours. - - ⁂ - -The Scotch-plaid guinea-pig threw a lighted cigarette in some straw in -the trailer and started a fire. The deck-hands turned on the sprinkler -and put it out. No great damage. The purple pig had his Keeley-cured -hams smoked—that’s all. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel has got himself disliked by nailing up in the -dining-cabin the following teasing dinner-card: - - Cocktails - Grapefruit soused with maraschino - Consomme with sherry - Fried skate Soused mackerel - Croute of pineapple with Madeira sauce - Leg of lamb, mint julep sauce - Roast ham, champagne sauce - Artillery punch - Venison, port wine sauce - Plum pudding with lots of brandy sauce - Rum omelette Buns - Brandied peaches Black coffee with cognac - Individual Turkish bath - - ⁂ - -At 3 P. M. we made Water Tank No. 2. Catcalls and groans from all on -board. - - ⁂ - -Passed the Spit Buoy. Nobody could. - - ⁂ - -Turner Van Newleaf, one of the most popular of the passengers, was -suddenly taken with water on the brain. Doctor Zoolak bled him, soaked -him, and pulled his leg. Poor Van Newleaf was compelled to borrow -enough money to finish the cruise. - - ⁂ - -Some practical joker raised the cry of “What’ll you have?” The panic -that followed made a football mix-up look like a procession of -choir-boys, and a dozen or more passengers were lost from the Wagon. -Among those that fell were Jim Rickey and Guinness Stout. - - ⁂ - -5 P. M.—Sighted the Players’ Club. The Captain gave the Engineer the -jingle-bell, and we went by the danger-point like a squirt of seltzer. - - ⁂ - -The drouth in the saloon is intolerable. The dry batteries that run -the fans have given out. Count Martini has tossed his waterproof coat -over the rail. He says there is such a thing as being too dry. The -sentiment was wildly applauded. - - ⁂ - -Eggley Monade has been going around asking the conundrum, “Why is a -port-hole like a chaser?” Everybody gave it up, and he borrowed the -Captain’s megaphone to reply, “Because it’s something on the side.” -The Mate put a crimp in him with a belaying-pin, and Doctor Zoolak -thinks that will hold him for awhile. - - ⁂ - -At 5.30 P. M. we made Larchmont. The club-house piazza was crowded -with gold braid, yachting-caps, and booze. Wigwagged that we were the -Good Ship Lithia, and they signalled back, “Look out for floating -mines.” Most of the club members grabbed their drinks and fled to the -cyclone cellars, but the daredevils of the rocking-chair fleet sat -tight and jeered at us. - - ⁂ - -The Lithia’s decks have been cleared for action. - - ⁂ - -The Larchmont Commodore has ordered the club torpedo-boat Highball to -charge the Lithia (to him). - - ⁂ - -Our Captain, alive to the critical situation, has jammed the wheel -hard over and given the enemy a broadside of lithia tablets. The -Highball has reversed her engines and is heading for the dry-dock. Her -hull looks like a half-portion of Swiss cheese. - - ⁂ - -The Larchmont Commodore wirelessed to the Millionaire Volunteer Fire -Department, which made a record run. They have hooked on to the club’s -fire-water plug, and are battering us with a two-inch stream of -Glengarry Scotch. We have replied with our starboard battery of -bromo-seltzer and a fleet of Whiteheads loaded with strawberry pop. - - ⁂ - -The Fire Department has uncoupled, and hooked on to a tank of club -cocktails. The deadly stream is burning off the Lithia’s paint. - - ⁂ - -Our passengers, led by Hennessy Martel, demand the surrender of the -Water Wagon. They are lapping up the decks. - - ⁂ - -The mutineers have been driven below, and the hatches cotton-battened -down. - - ⁂ - -Our gallant Captain looped the Santiago loop and is raking the enemy -fore and aft with withering broadsides of moxie. Some of the stuff got -into the drinks of the rocking-chair fleet on the club-house piazza, -and the loss of life was appalling. - - ⁂ - -The enemy, completely demoralized, ran up the white flag, and, -scorning to take any prisoners of war, we ’bout-shipped and laid our -course for Delaware Water Gap. - - -+Here endeth the third day of the cruise.+ - - - - -AN EXPERIENCE TABLE - - - March 4. Advertising for girl to do typewriting $ 1.30 - 9. Violets for typewriter .50 - 13. Week’s salary, typewriter 10.00 - 16. Roses for typewriter 2.00 - 20. Miss Remington’s salary 15.00 - 20. Candy for wife and children over Sunday .60 - 22. Box of bonbons for Miss Remington 4.00 - 26. Lunch with Miss Remington 5.75 - 27. Daisy’s salary 20.00 - 29. Theatre and supper with Daisy 19.00 - 30. Sealskin for wife 225.00 - 30. Dress for wife’s mother 50.00 - 30. Advertising for young man to do typewriting 1.30 - - - - -[Illustration: Revolution] - - - - -“AT LIBERTY” - - - Miss Tottie Van Tootles is curvy and chic; - She sings in “The Prince and the Toad.” - Her wage in the city is twenty per week, - Twenty-five when she goes on the road. - - Miss Tottie Van Tootles is handsomely gowned; - She has a French maid at her heels, - A cottage at Larchmont, a yacht on the Sound, - And three or four automobiles. - - Miss Tottie Van Tootles has published a card - To say she’s “At Liberty” now, - Which envious persons are pleased to regard - As the certain result of a row. - - With whom? Why, I really can’t say. I don’t know - The details of Miss Tottie’s young life; - But ’tis whispered, I hear (not above, but below), - That an angel has taken a wife. - - - - -[Illustration: plan of the Water Wagon] - - - - -A WORD ABOUT THE WAGON - - -The Water Wagon is a ball-bearing, clipper-built craft of the -whale-back type, designed by Mac Nesia, and built in Bath, Me. She -draws more water than a yacht-club barkeep, and her water-line is -eighteen glasses and a pony, with plenty of hang-over. The Water Wagon -is equipped with Saratoga springs, which ensure a minimum of jolt, and -a complete battery of hydraulic dust-pumps. - -All the staterooms are heated by Hot Copper system and lighted by -carbonic acid gas. Don’t blow it out! - -Accommodations on the Water Wagon are unlimited. There is always room -for one or two more. - - - - -WATER WAGON MENU - - -(_Breakfast, Dinner, and Supper, and Midnight Snack_) - - Ammonia cocktail - Seedless grapenuts Shredded wild oats - Henniker County hand-picked eggs - (all flavors) - Evaporated Welsh Rabbit - (stuffed with raisins) - Cold tomales - Red, white and blue Saratoga chips - H₂O Punch - Sliced golf balls with mashie potatoes - Boneless blanc-mange - Cracked lemon ice - Predigested pitless prunes - (“Three P” brand) - Dent’s well water crackers - -All water served on our tables is kept absolutely wet by a patent -condensing process. - -Do not trouble to report any inattention on the part of waiters. We -have troubles of our own. - - -[Illustration: Jester and clown] - -The Editors confess that this is a trivial and foolish book, and they -will not be offended if you laugh at it. - - - - -=THE “GEM” SAFETY PARACHUTE= - - -IT FLOATS! - -=Don’t Jump from the Water Wagon Without One!= - -No more jolts. No more broken bones. Opens as promptly as a wine -agent, descends like mining stock, and lands you gently on both feet -every time. Will carry any kind of a load. Sold by all progressive -ship-chandlers. - -_One Man’s Experience_ - -MR. PHILUP BOIES writes us: “I have taken two trips on the Wagon, and -found your parachute a complete success. On the first occasion it -landed me safely in a brewery, and on the second in a roof-garden. I -have recommended the ‘Gem’ to all my friends as a move in the right -direction.” - -=TAKE A DROP AND SEE FOR YOURSELF= - - - - -+Fourth Day+ - - - - -It is much harder to keep on the Water Wagon than on a bucking -broncho.—Remington. - - ⁂ - -A watered-silk vest is not a badge of temperance. Never judge a man -by his vest.—Woodruff. - - - - -LOG -- Fourth Day - - -Barometer dry and blistered. Mercury bubbling. - - ⁂ - -At roll-call we were shy twenty passengers. The Captain thinks the -ones unaccounted for fell overboard during the excitement at -Larchmont. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel, Tom Ginn, and several others are in double irons for -cheering the enemy. All the souse-renunciators are suffering tortures -from the frightful drouth. Tom Ginn declares that he has had a regular -stokehole thirst ever since we left Larchmont, and Hennessy Martel -offers to swap his Panhard and fifty shares of unassessable Hot Copper -for three fingers of lumberjack rye. - - ⁂ - -Poor Turner Van Newleaf was found sitting on the sprinkler trolling -for wine-jellyfish and chattering to himself. Doctor Zoolak dry-cupped -him and sponged his mouth with Blisterine. - - ⁂ - -10 A. M.—Sighted a night school of whales galloping after the Lithia. -The wise Mate says this is a sure sign of a Jonah on board. A -committee of five, headed by the puzzle editor of Golden Days, has -been appointed to find the Jonah. - - ⁂ - -Clark Dearborn, champion half-shot putter of the Chicago Athletic -Club, claimed to have seen two swordfish fencing off the weather bow. -Doctor Zoolak roped him, threw him, and tied him in thirty seconds, -breaking the Montana record. - - ⁂ - -2 P. M.—Made Delaware Water Gap. - - ⁂ - -The citizens of the Gap turned out in a body and gave us a royal -welcome. The Mayor, in a happy little speech, presented the freedom of -the city and the great key to the water-works, both of which we were -compelled to decline on account of the serious condition of our -passengers. - - ⁂ - -A chorus of young ladies, carrying a white banneret of watered silk, -with the motto “Purity” and a crocheted picture of Moses smiting the -rock, raised their sweet young voices in the affecting song: - - “Wait for the Wagon, - Wait for the Wagon, - Wait for the Wagon, - And we’ll all take a ride.” - - ⁂ - -Jack Redwood and Hy Jinks, of the ’Frisco Bohemian Club, cut in with a -barber-shop tenor and a sterilized barytone, and were promptly and -loudly hissed by the snakes in the trailer. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel hogged the limelight by offering to loop the Water Gap -in a ball-bearing catamaran, without the aid of a net, and the -Captain, scenting trouble, side-stepped the Gap and made a quick -getaway. - - ⁂ - -At 5 P. M. the lookout reported a sour mash freighter. The passengers -are kissing the hem of his cardigan jacket and calling him another -Columbus. - - ⁂ - -Later.—The sour mash freighter turns out to be a root-beer wagon on -its way to a Sunday-school excursion. The enraged passengers are now -kicking the hem of the lookout’s jacket. - - ⁂ - -The Committee on Jonah reports progress. - - ⁂ - -At 5.30 P. M. we ran into a dust-gale, caused by an automobile party -brushing their clothes after being chased by a bicycle cop. The air is -thick with dust and whisk-brooms, and the Lithia’s passengers are -lying, gasping, on the cravenette deck. The lookout sends word that he -can’t see a pair of deuces. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has ordered the rose-sprinkler turned on and the -electric-fans started. - - ⁂ - -The dust-fog lifted for a few moments, and the passengers were seen -to be leaping overboard. The Bos’un performed yoehoman service in -rescuing the imperilled and helping the weak ones back on the Wagon. A -collection was taken up to purchase him a silver-plated swinging -ice-pitcher. - - ⁂ - -6.45 P. M.—The Mate took soundings, and reported no bottom. The -Captain announced that, from the depth of water, we must be nearing -Wall Street. The Mate was ordered to ring for a messenger-boy and send -him after a pilot. - - ⁂ - -8 P. M.—The Mate boxed the compass and the compass won on points. - - ⁂ - -The Committee on Jonah have been through the vessel like a pack of -ferrets, and report that the Jonah can be no other than Moxie Matzoon, -alias Moxie Grandpa. The report of the Committee was accepted and -ordered inscribed on the records. A special copy, engrossed on -parchment, will be sent to the Hon. Bromo S. Emerson, of Baltimore. - - ⁂ - -Very dull in the smoking-room to-night. Nothing doing but a game of -tiddlywinks on the O. P. side. Roderick Dhuar, a reformed Scotch -barkeep, enlivened the hours by playing “Comin’ Through the Rye,” -with variations, on the cash register. When he finished he found he -owed the Steward $22.30. He gave his I O U. - - ⁂ - -Shortly after midnight the lookout reported a strange light on the -port bow. It turned out to be an electric advertisement, reading, - - WHEN ALL IN AND SPEECHLESS, - MAKE SIGNS FOR BRICKTOP RYE - -At this touch of the real thing, the Lithia’s passengers perked up -considerably, and the yell that greeted the sign sounded like a dog -being run over by a Mercedes. - - -+Here endeth the fourth day of the cruise.+ - - - - -Quoth the Red Raven: “Nevermore!” - - - - -OMAR ON THE WAGON - - -I. - - Before the last hour of the Old Year died, - Methought a voice without the Tavern cried: - “Oh, cut it out, Khayyam; there’s nothing in’t. - The Water Wagon waits you. Take a ride!” - -II. - - So, with the echoes of the New Year’s chimes - The thoughtful Soul upon the Wagon climbs, - Cuts out the Grape, and promises to reach - The Bosom of his Family betimes. - -III. - - At home by six, for Dinner with the Frau; - Early to bed and rise; a little Cow - And Seltzer when I line up with the Boys: - That’s mine. I’m on the Water Wagon now. - -IV. - - A Moment’s Halt—a momentary taste - Of Water from the Wagon!—Oh, make haste - And climb aboard! Aqua is sweeter far - Than all the Grape Goods that were ever cased. - -V. - - For some we loved, the loveliest and the best, - Who tried to beat the Game, are now at rest. - They set ’em back, and set ’em back, and then - Were gathered to the Kingdom of the Blest. - -VI. - - Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before - I swore, and I was honest when I swore. - And then the Wagon bumped the Curb, and I - Was jolted off into a Liquor Store. - -VII. - - They say that Tom and Dick and Harry keep - The Bars at which I gloried and drank deep. - Well, let them keep them. I am feeling fit, - And feeding well, and catching up my sleep. - -VIII. - - I used to think that never blows so red - The Cherry as when Maraschinoed; - And watching Barney fish them from the Pot - I have acquired, at times, a lovely Head. - -IX. - - And that reviving Herb whose tender Green - Fledges the River-Lip—how oft I’ve seen - The Barkeep make a Julep with its leaves, - The while upon the Bar I’d lightly lean. - -X. - - But now, my Friends, I’ve had my last Carouse, - And made a Second Marriage in my house; - Divorced the wanton Daughter of the Vine - And taken Neptune’s daughter for my Spouse. - -XI. - - Yon rising Moon that looks for us again— - How oft hereafter will she wax and wane; - How oft hereafter rising look for us - Through the Roof Gardens—and for me in vain! - -XII. - - When in your joyous Pilgrimage you pass - Along the line of Beer and Stout and Bass - And Rye and Scotch and Fizz, and reach the place - Where I made One—turn down an empty Glass. - - - - -+Fifth Day+ - - - - -You can’t tell the age of whiskey by looking at its teeth.—King -William. - - ⁂ - -The truth is mighty and will prevail. When you come home with a -package don’t tell your wife you’ve been shopping.—Socrates. - - - - -LOG -- Fifth Day - - -The sun rose half an hour late. Eggley Monade, the ship’s wag, -suggested that Old Sol’s safety-razor must have been out of whack. The -Mate belted him with a piece of tarred rope, and Doctor Zoolak with -the compass needle took seven stitches. - - ⁂ - -Shortly before noon we picked up the Stock Exchange light, and the -Lithia was slowed down. - - ⁂ - -Took on Tom Lawson, the pilot, who knows right off the reel, without -sounding, the depth of water at every point in the dangerous channel -of Wall Street. Tom brought aboard his magazine-gun, which he mounted -at the bow, remarking jovially that he might take a crack at a pirate -or two. - - ⁂ - -Entered the channel, with Trinity cliffs astern. Pilot Lawson is at -the wheel, looking very wise. Everybody’s watching him. - - ⁂ - -An indignation meeting has been called on the two-for-a-quarter deck -by excited passengers who promised their wives, sweethearts, and -parents to keep out of Wall Street. They demand that the vessel be put -back. The Pilot remarked, grimly, that it is harder to get out of Wall -Street than into it. He advises all hands to hang on and wait for a -rise. - - ⁂ - -A little before 3 P. M. the lookout shouted, “Maelstrom dead ahead!” -A panic resulted, and the cry went up that Lawson was a bum pilot. -Strong and willing hands tore him from the wheel, and, pursued by the -infuriated passengers and crew, he ran down the deck and dove over the -taffrail, yawping: “I will have something to say next month!” - - ⁂ - -“We are lost!” the Captain shouted, as he staggered down the stairs. -Putting three chips on the red, he spun the wheel to starboard. Round -and round in the clutches of the maelstrom spun the good ship Lithia. -“Whee!” cried Hennessy Martel, “this is like old times. First good -whirl my head’s had since the Lambs’ Club gambol.” - - ⁂ - -2.56 P. M.—The Lithia seems hopelessly lost. The passengers, with -blanched faces, are swapping farewells and keepsakes. - - ⁂ - -2.58 P. M.—Gottlieb Kirschwasser, of Milwaukee, lost his head, (the -one he came aboard with), and, screaming, “Heute rot, Morgen tot! Auf -wiedersehen!” hurled himself overboard. - - ⁂ - -3 P.M.—Saved! The Stock Exchange bell struck three, and the maelstrom -knocked off for the day. The Lithia’s passengers joyfully returned to -one another the keepsakes and farewells, and Kirschwasser was fished -out of the drink with a boat-hook and put in the boiler-room to dry. - - ⁂ - -4 P. M.—We have left Wall Street, and are bowling along toward White -Rock Point, and kicking up an awful dust. - - ⁂ - -The drouth has become intolerable, and the sufferings of the -passengers are increasing hourly. The deck-planks are curling up, and -the oakum is oozing from the seams. - - ⁂ - -The barometer exploded with a loud pop, and Hennessy Martel, -wild-eyed, ran up the main hatch, crying, “Is that George Kessler -opening wine?” “No such luck,” gurgled Tom Ginn, who was spraying his -throat with Blisterine. - - ⁂ - -Old Medford, the Water Wagon veteran, says he doesn’t remember a -voyage attended by so many disasters. “We must get rid of the Jonah,” -said he. - - ⁂ - -4.44 P. M.—The Captain made a neat little speech from the bridge, and -presented to each passenger a dry-point picture of the good ship -Lithia. Most of them were flung overboard. - - ⁂ - -After supper the Captain, a most considerate man, gave a smoker, in -order to take the minds of the passengers off their fearful thirst. -A Keith circuit top-liner, who has a whole page and his picture in -“Who’s Who on the Water Wagon,” gave an imitation of an actor -refusing a drink. The audience overlooked the screaming absurdity of -the plot in their admiration for the artistic performance. - - ⁂ - -Professor Argus, the mind wizard, offered to read the minds of all the -audience at one crack. Challenged to perform this astounding feat, the -Professor smiled and said, “You are all thinking that it is almost -time for a long cold highball.” Crackling shouts of admiration came -from the parched throats of the audience, and the protest, “Fake! -Fake! Somebody must have told you!” - - ⁂ - -Harvey Steele, a floor-walker in a wholesale anchor house, was the -next entertainer. He gave a realistic imitation of a crooked barkeep -playing on an upright cash register. When he finished the audience -declared there was nothing in it. - - ⁂ - -An amateur hypnotist was the next to oblige. “Will some gentleman -kindly step up and assist the Professor in this demonstration?” he -requested. Dead silence; nobody made a move. The Professor smiled -patiently, and repeated his request; no takers. Finally the Captain, -who had drifted in, stepped up, remarking, “Try your stunt on me, -Professor.” (Deafening applause.) The amateur hypnotist took the -Captain in hand and made a few passes at him, and he took the count in -six seconds. “Happy man!” cried the Professor, fixing the subject with -his glittering eye. “Happy man! you are soused for fair, and are -opening vintage wine.” “Whee!” said the Captain, bracing himself -against Davy Jones’s locker. “Frappe two more quarts! Line up, boys!” -(Tumultuous applause, and cries of “Don’t wake him up!”) But the -Professor did wake him up, and the Captain bowed sheepishly and -returned to the wheel-house. “Will some other gentleman kindly step -up?” asked the Amateur Hypnotist. The scramble that followed made the -rush-hour at the Brooklyn Bridge look like a chess tournament. In the -jam the Professor’s shoulder was dislocated, putting him out of -business. - - ⁂ - -2 A. M.—Hennessy Martel has tied a string around his thumb to remind -himself to take a drink the minute he gets off the Wagon. - - -+Here endeth the fifth day of the cruise.+ - - - - -“THE DARKEST HOUR” - - -When a gentleman is deposited on his door-mat by a friendly copper, -like a cake of ice or a jar of milk, his sense of humour is -wonderfully acute. To tip over an aquarium of goldfish on his way -through the hall strikes him as the height of the ridiculous, and the -flopping of the little fishes and turtles on the Persian rug throws -him into spasms of stifled mirth. He chuckles himself into hiccoughs -over his vain attempts to unlace his shoes while lying on his back, -and his progress up-stairs on all fours is accompanied by joyous -giggles. When he loses his equilibrium and rolls back down-stairs, he -sits up and says: “God pity the men at sea on a night like this!” - -He is now serious. He turns on all the electric lights and remarks, -censoriously: “Here it is broad daylight, the front stoop unswept, and -not a soul in the house up.” In this spirit of criticism he ascends to -his wife’s room, and, as she raises her head from the pillow for one -comprehensive glance, he says, sternly: “Things are going from bad to -worse in this house.” - -To her icy rejoinder, “Is that any reason why you should come home in -this condition?” he replies, with unruffled importance: “The kitchen -fire is out; the canary hasn’t been fed; the piano isn’t dusted; and -look at this!” He holds up a ravelling. “Found it right in the middle -of the hall! What kind of housekeeping do you call that? Why, if I -tried to run my business that way, we’d all be in the poor-house.” - -Softly and soothingly his spouse returns: “Frank, if you’ll lay the -two goldfish on the bureau and come to bed, we’ll have a long talk -about it in the morning.” - -And they do. - - - - -Dr. Bugg Howes - -OCULIST - - -Room 26, Hygeia Building - -If you see things, I can help you! - -One bottle of my celebrated BUGGINE will clear the sight of all -imaginary objects. Menageries removed by my painless process. - -If you see objects double, an application of SKATORIA OINTMENT will -put you right. - -Send for booklet of testimonials from prominent actors, Congressmen, -journalists, and club-men,—printed by special permission. - -“SEEING IS NOT BELIEVING!” - - - - -+Sixth Day+ - - - - -Always keep your powder dry—that’s all.—Mennen. - - ⁂ - -Beware of the man who picks things off your coat lapel while -conversing with you. He never buys.—Fra Elbertus. - - - - -LOG -- Sixth Day - - -The morning opened as still and dry as Boston after 11 P. M. The sun -rose red as an auction flag against a cold-gravy sky, and the -atmosphere is heavy with something doing. The Captain, solemn as a -night-clerk in a Raines Law hotel, is at the wheel, and the Lookout is -pop-eyed. A few insomniacal passengers are pacing the deck like a man -who has been called for margin, and are bothering the Captain with -fool questions. The Captain has put on a pair of plush ear-muffs. - - ⁂ - -11 A. M.—Dirty weather ahead. The Lithia is logging her limit, in an -effort to weather White Rock Point before the storm breaks. - - ⁂ - -11.20 A. M.—The Lookout reports a siphon-shaped cloud off the weather -bow. The air is laden with dust, and is coming in dry hot puffs. Tom -Ginn thinks we are running into another automobile party, but Old -Medford says we are up against worse than that. - - ⁂ - -11.30 A. M.—The wind has risen to half a gale, and the dust is -settling on the Lithia’s decks like the soot from a smoking -nickel-plated banquet-lamp. Most of the passengers have turned out, -prepared for anything. - - ⁂ - -Gottlieb Kirschwasser has just made his will, bequeathing his -collection of dried butterflies and a set of Schiller’s works to the -Milwaukee Gemuthlich Society. - - ⁂ - -11.45 A. M.—The pink rats are deserting the ship. - - ⁂ - -A tidal wave of dust swept over us, carrying away the life-boat and -Kirschwasser’s meerschaum pipe with a galloping horse carved on it. -Kirschwasser says he won it at a pinochle tournament in Munich, and is -crazed by the loss. Nobody else seems to caradam. - - ⁂ - -The Steward has distributed auto goggles, but the passengers are still -unable to see three fingers before their faces. - - ⁂ - -The Captain has turned the wheel over to the Mate, and has gone among -the passengers, striving to reassure them. It seems we are off the -Axminster Carpet Cleaning Works, beside which Cape Hatteras is a -goldfish aquarium. - - ⁂ - -The sufferings of the passengers baffle description. Everybody feels -that this is his last trip on the Wagon. Hennessy Martel has tied -another string around his thumb, to remind himself to make it two -drinks when he gets off. - - ⁂ - -Old Medford, who is as mad as a conductor when you give him five -pennies, insists that the Jonah be dumped overboard. A dogged, -determined committee has gone below to yank out Moxie Grandpa, who, as -old Medford says, is an interloper, anyway, and has no more business -on the Water Wagon than a trousers stretcher in a young ladies’ -seminary. - - ⁂ - -Later.—Old Matzoon has been dragged up from the hold, kicking and -clawing, and the passengers are balloting on the proper disposition of -him. - - ⁂ - -While the ballot was being taken, another tidal wave of dust broke -over the hapless Lithia, and the enraged passengers and crew cried in -chorus, “Over with the Jonah!” The wretched Moxie fiend was thereupon -flung into the trailer, despite the protests of the magenta elephant -and the Scotch-plaid guinea-pig. - - ⁂ - -At 1.20 P. M. the Lithia grounded with a fearful crash, and the -billows of dust that broke over her carried away the sprinkler and all -the spokes in the aft wheel. A composite picture of John B. Gough and -Carrie Nation fell to the cabin floor and was totally wrecked. - - ⁂ - -Buried in dust from deck to trucks, the Lithia lay on her side, -pounding like a farmer at Coney Island on a “Try Your Strength” -machine. The good old Wagon was doomed. Nothing could hold in such a -simoom. - - ⁂ - -The Captain shouted down-wind, “Cut away the trailer!” The ship’s -Carpenter, with hammer and cold-chisel, severed the tow-line, and the -menagerie vanished in the dust. - - ⁂ - -At 1.35 the Lithia sprung a bunch of leaks, and every drop of water -ran out of her. We are now high and horribly dry. Hennessy Martel has -tied still another string around his thumb, to remind himself to make -it three drinks when he gets off. His hand is beginning to look like a -hammock. - - ⁂ - -At 1.50 P. M. orders were given to lighten ship. We threw over ten -bales of temperance pledges, fifty cases malted milk, thirty-two cases -sarsaparilla, eighteen carboys root beer, twenty-seven vats lemon -soda, two hundred and thirty-five gallons mineral water, the library, -the band, the cash register, seventy-five bundles of blue ribbons, the -water-cooler and three tons of cracked ice, the pianola, Gottlieb -Kirschwasser, and Doctor Zoolak. The Lithia righted, and it looks as -if the gallant craft will ride it out. Cheers are rattling from the -warped throats of passengers and crew. - - ⁂ - -2 P. M.—We are lost! A fresh consignment of boarding-house carpets has -just been thrown under the slapsticks at the Cleaning Works. This is -the limit of dirty weather. - - ⁂ - -Hurrah! A St. Bernard dog with a little brown jug tied to his neck is -battling his way toward the doomed Water Wagon. Good old Nero! - - ⁂ - -The St. Bernard has leaped aboard. Merciful heavens! the jug contains -arnica! We have torn off Nero’s license tag and chucked him overboard. - - ⁂ - -Hennessy Martel is maudlin and weeping on my pleated shirt-front. “In -case you pull through, old man,” he says, “tell my poor little wife -(the tall one) that my insurance policy is in the kitchen clock with -the milk tickets.” - - ⁂ - -2.20 P. M.—We have launched the life-raft, and stocked it hastily with -the following supplies: One case Jack Spratt’s assorted dog biscuits, -two dozen golf balls, a crate of sponges, two telephone books, one -“Little Giant” gas-stove, one “Little Gem” safety lawn-mower, six -dozen Lady Macbeth lamp-chimneys, one Prospect Park croquet set, four -wheelbarrows, one roll-top desk, and one Colonial highboy with glass -knobs. This outfit will keep us going for a few days. - - ⁂ - -At 2.30 P. M. we cut away the life-raft and pushed off, and we are now -pitching and tossing on the dusty billows. Heaven only knows how much -longer our sufferings will be prolonged. - - ⁂ - -I am parched and weary, and my pencil is worn to the quick. Ho, -Steward, fetch me a milk-bottle with a patent stopper! I must commit -these writings to the restless sea. - - Go, little Log, from this our solitude; - We cast thee on the waters—go thy ways. - And if thy luck (unlike our own) be good, - Some one will read thee after many days. - - - - - So here endeth the Log of the Water - Wagon, as hammered into English - by the Authors on Watt’ell - paper; the illustrations by - Saint Louis, and the whole - done into a book by the - H. M. Caldwell Co., at - Boston, which is near - Bunker Hill, in the - State of Massa- - chusetts, in the - y e a r O n e - Th ou s a nd - N i n e - H u n- - d r e d - a n d - Five - - '¡' - - - - -[Endpaper: Dissolution] - - - - -Transcriber’s Note - -Inconsistent hyphenation (drydock/dry-dock) has been left as printed -in the original. - -Typographic conventions are _italic_, =bold=, and +blackletter+. - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Water Wagon, by -Bert Leston Taylor and W. C. 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- height: 0.25em; - margin: 1em auto; -} - -/* page numbers */ -span.pagenum { - font-size: x-small; - font-family: serif; - font-variant: normal; - font-style: normal; - font-weight: normal; - line-height: 1.2; - letter-spacing: 0; - text-indent: 0; - text-align: left; - margin: 0; - padding: .05em 0.5em; -} - -/* for transcriber's note at the end */ -div.tnote { - padding: 1em; - margin: 6em auto 3em auto; - font-family: serif; - border: 1px dashed; -} -div.tnote p { - text-indent: 0; - margin-top: .5em; - font-size: small; - text-align: left; -} -div.tnote h3 { - text-indent: 0; - text-align: left; - font-size: large; - font-style: normal; - font-weight: bold; - padding: 0.75em 0 0 0; - margin: 0 auto; - line-height: 1; - letter-spacing: 0; -} - -.ns {display: none; visibility: hidden; } -em {font-style: italic; } -span.nw { - white-space: nowrap; - word-spacing: normal; } -.smc {font-variant: small-caps; } -.allsc { - font-variant: small-caps; - text-transform: lowercase; -} - -@media print { - a:link { - color: black; 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} - #StBromo {max-width: 100%; } - #clipping {max-width: 100%; } - #wagonplanscr {display: none; visibility: hidden; } - #wagonplanprt {display: inline; visibility: visible; - max-width: 100%; } - #eyeball {max-width: 100%; } - #jester {max-width: 100%; } - hr.short {margin: 0.5em 45%; } - .toc h3 {font-size: 140%; } -} - - /* XML end ]]>*/ - -</style> -</head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Water Wagon, by -Bert Leston Taylor and W. C. Gibson - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Log of the Water Wagon - or The Cruise of the Good Ship 'Lithia' - -Author: Bert Leston Taylor - W. C. Gibson - -Illustrator: L. M. Glackens - -Release Date: July 31, 2019 [EBook #60022] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOG OF THE WATER WAGON *** - - - - -Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Wilson and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - - - -<hr class="ww" /> - - -<div class="illo" id="firstdivision"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>Cover<span class="ns">] - </span></span><img id="frontcover" src="images/cover.jpg" - alt="[Front cover: The Log of the Water Wagon]" /></div> - -<div class="illo" id="seconddivision"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>Endpaper<span class="ns">] - </span></span><img id="resolution" src="images/resolution.jpg" - alt="[Endpaper: Resolution]" /></div> - - -<div class="halftitle"> - -<p class="ctr" id="halftitle"><a name="pg.001" id="pg.001" href="#pg.001"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>i<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><big>THE LOG<br - />OF<br - />THE WATER WAGON</big></p> - -</div> - - - -<div class="edition_number"><p><a name="pg.003" id="pg.003" href="#pg.003"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>iii<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>This is an unlimited edition, of -which this copy is No. 69,850.</p> - -<p>If you wish a higher number, your -bookseller will gladly supply you. -</p> -</div> - -<div class="frontis"> - -<a name="pg.004" id="pg.004" href="#pg.004"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>iv<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><span class="vanilla"><img id="ark" src="images/ark.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: THE ORIGINAL WATER WAGON]" /></span> - -</div> - - -<div class="titlepage"> -<a name="pg.005" id="pg.005" href="#pg.005"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>v<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><span class="vanilla"><img id="titleimg" src="images/titleimg.jpg" - alt="[Title Page: THE LOG of THE WATER WAGON]" /></span> -<h1 title="The Log of the Water Wagon"><big>THE LOG <i>of</i><br - />THE <span class="kern">WA</span>TER <span class="kern">WA</span>GON</big><br - /><small>OR</small><br - />THE CRUISE OF THE <br - /> GOOD SHIP “LITHIA”</h1> - -<p class="ctr"><b><small>BY</small><br - /><big class="blokrt">BERT LESTON TAYLOR<br - /><i>and</i> W. C. GIBSON</big></b></p> - -<p class="ctr"><b>ILLUSTRATIONS <i>by</i><br - />L. M. GLACKENS</b></p> - -<p class="published"><b class="blokrt"><small>PUBLISHED BY</small><br - /><big>H. M. CALDWELL CO. BOSTON</big></b></p> -</div> - - - - -<div class="verso"><p class="ctr" id="copyright"><small><a name="pg.006" id="pg.006" href="#pg.006"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>vi<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a> -<i>Copyright, 1905</i><br - /><span class="smc">By H. M. Caldwell Co.</span></small></p> - -<p class="ctr" id="printed"><small><i class="sprd">COLONIAL PRESS</i><br - /><i>Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co.<br - />Boston,</i> <i class="sprd">U.S.A.</i></small></p> -</div> - -<h2 id="Lithia">The Cruise of the Good Ship “Lithia”</h2> - - -<div class="chapframed"> -<h3 title="Foreword">FOREWORD<a name="pg.007" id="pg.007" href="#pg.007"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>vii<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>If you don’t like this book, write -to the authors about it. Don’t -bother the publishers: they are -too busy selling it.</p> - -</div> - - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 title="Dedication">DEDICATION<a name="pg.009" id="pg.009" href="#pg.009"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>ix<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>To all surviving saloon passengers -of the good ship Lithia, who -have rounded the Horn and passed -through perilous Beering Straits, -and suffered shipwreck, shock, and -sudden thirst: to those intrepid -souls who have clung to the slippery -hull of the Water Wagon when it -seemed the gallant craft could -not live another hour; who, lashed -to the sprinkler, have ridden out -many a choking dust-storm; who -have heard the cafe Lorelei sing, -and still hung on, deaf to her seductive -song: <span class="nw">and—</span></p> - -<p><a name="pg.010" id="pg.010" href="#pg.010"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>x<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>To the memory of countless -thousands lost at sea, swept into the -seething drink without a word of -warning, cut off in the blossoms of -their resolutions, and sent to their -slate accounts with all their imperfections -on their <span class="nw">heads—</span></p> - -<p>This little volume is affectionately -dedicated.</p> - -</div> - - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 title="Editors’ Note"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" id="Jar" src="images/jar.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: Message in a bottle]" /></span><a name="pg.011" id="pg.011" href="#pg.011"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>xi<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><br - />EDITORS’ NOTE</h3> - - -<p>The Log of the Water Wagon -was compiled from memoranda -found in a floating milk-bottle with -a patent stopper, flung overboard -just before the good ship “Lithia” -foundered in a fearful simoom off -White Rock Point. The notes, pencilled -in a trembling hand, on the -backs of blank temperance pledges, -I O U’s, and wine-lists, were barely -<a name="pg.012" id="pg.012" href="#pg.012"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>xii<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>legible, testifying to the fearful condition -of the unknown writer’s -tongue, manifestly incapable of -moistening the pencil.</p> - -<p>With the notes were enclosed a -Water Wagon folder, showing itinerary, -rules and regulations, points -of interest touched at, etc., a fragment -of a clipping from the New -York Sun, and sundry moral reflections -upon life, liberty, and the -pursuit of happiness.</p> - -<p>The editors have preserved, as far -as possible, the spirit and literary -style of the Log-keeper, whose -identity is an interesting conjecture. -His fate, and that of his fellow -passengers, is shrouded in mystery.</p> - -</div> - - -<div class="toc"> -<h3 title="Table of Contents">TABLE OF CONTENTS<a name="pg.013" id="pg.013" href="#pg.013"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>xiii<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>FOR OTHER CONTENTS<br - />SEE BODY OF BOOK</p> -<p class="vanilla"><img id="TOC" src="images/toc.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: Table covered with bottles]" /></p> -</div> - -<div class="illo"><a name="pg.014" id="pg.014" href="#pg.014"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>xiv<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><img id="StBromo" src="images/stbromo.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: St Bromo]" /> -</div> - - - -<div class="clipping"><a name="pg.015" id="pg.015" href="#pg.015"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>xv<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a> -<span class="vanilla"><img id="clipping" src="images/newsclipping.jpg" alt="[Newspaper clipping]" /></span> -<div class="masthead"> -<div class="mastheadb">THE SUN,</div></div> -<div class="clippingbody"> -<h3 title="Newspaper clipping: The Water Wagon Departs">THE WATER WAGON DEPARTS.</h3> -<hr class="short" /> -<h4 title="">GOOD SHIP LITHIA HEAVILY -LOADED SAILS ON CRUISE.</h4> -<hr class="short" /> - -<p>Fresh from the drydock, glistening in -new white paint, her blue streamers snapping -in the breeze, loaded to the limit with -enthusiastic and babbling passengers, the -Water Wagon left last night on another -perilous voyage. A tremendous crowd was -present to see her off. The surging mass of -well-wishers included relatives and friends -of the passengers, a large delegation from -the International Federation of Mineral -Water Bottlers, and representatives from -the W. C. T. U., Band of Hope, Never -Again League, and other dusty associations.</p> - -<p>The farewell presents to the passengers -were unusually numerous. These included -hot-water bags with “Bon Voyage” hand-painted -on them, silver bonbon boxes -containing soda mint and lithia tablets, individual -cut-glass bromo-seltzer bottles, -water lilies, watermelons, and other fruit -and flowers.</p> - -<p>Just before the hour for sailing happy -little speeches were made by the Superintendent -of the Water Works, the Commissioner -of Irrigation, and the Hon. Bromo S. -Emerson, of Ballato, whose sizzling oratory -was received with terrific applause.</p> - -<p>Promptly at midnight a bottle of sarsaparilla -was broken on the Lithia’s sprinkler, -the gang-hose was uncoupled and hauled -aboard, and the Water Wagon glided gracefully -away from her moorings.</p> - -<p>A score or more of belated passengers -came straggling down the pier and finding</p> - -</div> -</div> - - - -<div class="official"> -<h3 title="General Information">GENERAL INFORMATION<a name="pg.016" id="pg.016" href="#pg.016"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>16<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>In making reservations, the passenger’s -real name, not the station-house -name, must be given, in full. -All “John Smiths” will be regarded -with suspicion, and must be satisfactorily -identified.</p> - -<p>Seats as well as berths will be -assigned for the entire voyage. -For a few choice seats next the -water-cooler a small additional fee -will be asked.</p> - -<p>No life-preservers will be found -in staterooms. Do not ask for them.</p> - -<p>No “bundles” will be allowed in -staterooms, nor allowed to lie -around the decks.</p> - -<p>Excellent concerts will be -<a name="pg.017" id="pg.017" href="#pg.017"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>17<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>rendered every evening in the main -saloon by the Band of Hope. A -select library will be found in the -smoking-room. Water-marked stationery -is also at the disposal of all -first-class passengers.</p> - -<p>Don’t try to get on the Wagon -while it is in motion. It is the -Captain’s business to stop for loads. -If he does not stop when flagged, -you will know he is full.</p> - -<p>When rounding the sharp curve -at the Pousse Cafe, passengers are -cautioned to hold fast.</p> - -<p>Passengers feeling their anchors -dragging, and seized with a sudden -desire to leap from the Wagon, -should apply to purser for parachutes.</p> - -<p>Stop-overs will be allowed at -Vichy Springs, Delaware Water -Gap, and Waterbury only.</p> - -<p><a name="pg.018" id="pg.018" href="#pg.018"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>18<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>No transfers given on transfers.</p> - -<p>Passengers losing any of their -wheels will find them in the wheel-house.</p> - -<p>No rain-checks will be given out. -This is a dry cruise.</p> - -<p>Buy a round-trip ticket and save -money.</p> - -<p>All mail received en route will be -read aloud by the steward at sunset.</p> - -<p>SPECIAL INFORMATION.—In -looking toward the bow of the -vessel, the left-hand side is port. -The right-hand is sherry.</p> - -</div> - - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 class="logday" title="First Day">First Day<a name="pg.019" id="pg.019" href="#pg.019"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>19<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<div class="epis"> -<p><a name="pg.020" id="pg.020" href="#pg.020"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>20<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Hitch your wagon to a star. If -it’s the Water Wagon, tie it to the -Great Dipper.</p><p class="attrib">—Emerson.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration2.png" title="" alt="🙢 🙠" - width="125" height="36" /></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>I often wonder where the old moons go</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>After they once get full and disappear.</div> -<div>Do they, I wonder, pilot to and fro</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>The men who quit the Wagon year by year?</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<p class="attrib">—Copernicus.</p> -</div> - - - -<p class="loghead"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-right-top.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: Grapevine, soda bottle, corkscrew and champagne glass]" /></span><a name="pg.021" id="pg.021" href="#pg.021"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>21<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></p> -<p class="logstart"><span class="rt12">LOG</span><span class="ns"> </span> <i>First Day</i></p> - - -<p><small>NOTE.—The writer of this record, being -the only sober passenger aboard the Good -Ship “Lithia,” has been requested by the -Captain to keep the Log. The Captain -kindly explains that a log is a thing in -which you put down the daily occurrences -on board ship. I have kept a dog, and a -valet, and a thirst, and other things, but -a log is sure a new proposition. But, dash -my tarry toplights, here goes. Avast there, -my hearties! Yeo-heave-ho! Yo-ho!</small></p> - -<p>At midnight we left the Bar, and -got under way, with a big tide and -the wind souse-souse-east and piping -free.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Everybody aboard, barring the -writer, is thoroughly saturated. I -counted fifty-seven varieties of -pickle.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.022" id="pg.022" href="#pg.022"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>22<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Later.—It seems I was mistaken -about having left the Bar. The -Captain announces through the -ventilator that he is stuck on the -Bar. Loud cheers from the passengers, -and cries of, “So say we all -of us!”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Lightened ship by throwing overboard -two bales of temperance -pledges and ten cases of sarsaparilla. -The Captain announces that we are -off the Bar. Groans.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>I am suspicious of the pilot. He -hasn’t flashed a single pilot-biscuit -since he came aboard.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.023" id="pg.023" href="#pg.023"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>23<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>The Lithia is reeling off eight -knots an hour. Wind still souse-souse-east -and piping free. Weather -so-so.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The passengers, misled by the -name, are in the saloon, calling -loudly for drinks and hammering -on the tables. The Captain announces -through the ventilator that -he will turn the hose on them. -Cheers, and cries of “Louder!”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The uproar in the saloon continues. -An entertainer is giving a -realistic imitation of a man mixing -a cocktail. Tremendous applause, -<a name="pg.024" id="pg.024" href="#pg.024"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>24<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>and shouts of “Great, old man!” -A young water curate has volunteered -to go among the noisy pirates -and try to soothe them.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Later.—The water curate has -been thrown down the companion-way.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Loud splash on the starboard side. -We have dropped the pilot.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Captain has ordered the First -Mate to take the wheel. The Mate -is in the saloon, bound hand and -foot, and the passengers are -<a name="pg.025" id="pg.025" href="#pg.025"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>25<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>singing “How Can I Bear to Leave -Thee.” The Lithia is going around -in a circle.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Mate has been rescued, and -has laid a course for Carbonic Light. -I asked him if a mate’s wife is called -a room-mate. He said he didn’t -know, but the midshipmite.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Captain has just taken soundings, -but reports that he can’t hear -a thing. So much noise in the -saloon.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Tom Ginn, the noisiest of the -bunch, has been put in irons for -<a name="pg.026" id="pg.026" href="#pg.026"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>26<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>demanding an old-fashioned cocktail -and inciting the passengers to -mutiny. The clanking of his chains -is having a quieting effect on the -other pirates.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>3 A. M.—Passed the trim little -craft Coryphee, homeward bound, -loaded with lobsters and champagne. -Wigwagged to her that her starboard -light was out and that her -hair was coming down. She signalled -back, “On your way.”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Ran afoul of a fleet of full-rigged -Johnnies, stuck on Shanley’s oyster-beds. -Offered to take them aboard -<a name="pg.027" id="pg.027" href="#pg.027"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>27<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>the Wagon, but they vociferously -refused. Said they’d just got off -one.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Captain took the Sun as soon -as it came out, and reported that -we were a hell of a way from the -Equator.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Passed a ragtime whistling buoy.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Hennessy Martel, an amateur Ancient -Mariner, got into the calcium -for a minute by trying to shoot a -nighthawk, claiming it was an albatross. -The Captain gave him the -water cure.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.028" id="pg.028" href="#pg.028"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>28<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Spoke a tramp tank steamer, Red -Booze Line, Captain Handout. -“Ahoy! What ship is that?” hailed -Captain Handout. “The Water -Wagon,” I replied through the Captain’s -megaphone. “Keep off!” he -yelled, and crowded on all sail.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Shipped a heavy swell rolling in -from the Faro Banks.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Eight bells and all’s well.</p> - -<p class="hereendeth">Here endeth the first day of the cruise.<br - /><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-left-bottom.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: bottles and glasses]" /></span></p> - -</div> - - - -<div class="official"> -<h3 title="Baggage Regulations">BAGGAGE REGULATIONS<a name="pg.029" id="pg.029" href="#pg.029"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>29<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>Each full ticket entitles passenger -to one load. A load and a hang-over -will be charged as excess baggage.</p> - -<p>All baggage must be checked by -our regular inspector before departure. -Contraband baggage, such -as bottled cocktails, case goods, -whiskey capsules, brandied cherries, -etc., will be confiscated.</p> - -<p class="noindent"><span class="allsc">ANIMALS, BIRDS, AND OTHER PETS</span> -will not be allowed on the main -wagon, nor allowed to run alongside. -All such must be put in charge -of the steward, who will tag them -and place them in a trailer, where -they will be fed and cared for, and -<a name="pg.030" id="pg.030" href="#pg.030"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>30<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>permitted to drink out of the trough -of the sea.</p> - -<p>All animals will be returned to -owners at end of voyage; or, if -desired, the steward will send them -to any designated circus or menagerie.</p> - -<p>No passenger will be allowed -more than three purple monkeys or -two dozen red, white, and blue -snakes. No magenta elephant weighing -more than twenty tons will be -received in the trailer, as the accommodations -are limited. No mastodons -of any colour will be accepted.</p> - -<p>The management will not be -responsible for any accident or -change of colour these pets may -undergo. We cannot guarantee fast -colours.</p> - -<p><a name="pg.031" id="pg.031" href="#pg.031"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>31<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Striped mice, polka-dot lizards, -Scotch-plaid guinea-pigs, and other -small animals, and all perishable -buggage, will be carried at owner’s -risk.</p> - - - - - -<h3 title="The Water Wagon Band">THE WATER WAGON BAND<a name="pg.032" id="pg.032" href="#pg.032"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>32<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p>Every evening in the main saloon, -from 8 to 10, our own Band of Hope -will discourse the following musical -favourites:</p> - -<ul> -<li>“Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes.”</li> -<li>“Wait for the Wagon.”</li> -<li>“The Old Oaken Bucket.”</li> -<li>“Father, Dear Father.”</li> -<li>“Down by the River.”</li> -<li>“When the Swallows Homeward Fly.”</li> -</ul> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p><small><em>NOTE.—Any attention on the part -of the audience will be appreciated by the -Bandmaster.</em></small></p> - - - - - -<h3 title="Ship’s Itinerary">SHIP’S ITINERARY<a name="pg.033" id="pg.033" href="#pg.033"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>33<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<table summary="Itinerary" id="Itinerary"> -<tr><td>Leave the Bar</td><td> 8 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Pass Rye Beach</td><td> 6 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Off the Faro Banks</td><td> 3 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Near High Ballston Spa</td><td> 4 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Arrive Vichy Springs</td><td> 7 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Weather Cape Casegoods</td><td> 2 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Nearing Prohibition Park</td><td> 8 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Arrive Delaware Water Gap</td><td> 1 bell</td></tr> -<tr><td>Pass Croton Reservoir</td><td> 5 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td id="itin-spacer">Round Apollinaris Bottling Works</td><td> 6 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Weather White Rock Point</td><td> 4 bells</td></tr> -<tr><td>Arrive at Waterbury</td><td> 8 bells</td></tr> -</table> - -<p class="ctr"><small><em>The management reserves the right to<br - />change the itinerary at any old<br - />bell time.</em></small></p> - -</div> - - -<div class="advert"> -<h3 title="Advertisement: Nutt, the Square Hatter">NUTT<a name="pg.034" id="pg.034" href="#pg.034"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>34<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><br - />The Square Hatter</h3> - -<p class="sans">132 1–2 WATER STREET</p> - -<p class="sans"><small class="blok">Big Heads<br - />My Specialty</small> - 🙝 - <small class="blok">Any Size<br - />Head Fitted</small></p> - -<p><small>Ask to see my <b>Adjustable, Telescopic -Noiseless Hats</b>. (<i>Patent Pending.</i>) Just -the thing for the Water Wagon. No -springs or metal used. Will expand or -contract as conditions require. Space in -sweat-band for cracked ice. Money refunded -if we don’t make good.</small></p> - -<p><small>Stretching done at your own home the -morning after.</small></p> - -<p class="sans"><small><small>Telephone, Derby 8 3–4</small></small></p> - -<p class="sans">“You get the Head, and we’ll -put a Lid on it”</p> - -</div> - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 class="logday" title="Second Day">Second Day<a name="pg.035" id="pg.035" href="#pg.035"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>35<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - - - -<div class="epis"> -<p><a name="pg.036" id="pg.036" href="#pg.036"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>36<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Most of the gold-cures are only -plated, and it soon wears off.</p><p class="attrib">—Keeley.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration2.png" title="" alt="🙢 🙠" - width="125" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Men’s evil manners live in rum. -Their virtues we write in water.</p><p class="attrib">—Shakespeare.</p> -</div> - -<p class="loghead"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-right-top.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: Grapevine, soda bottle, corkscrew and champagne glass]" /></span><a name="pg.037" id="pg.037" href="#pg.037"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>37<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></p> -<p class="logstart"><span class="rt12">LOG</span><span class="ns"> </span> <i>Second Day</i></p> - -<p>The morning opened on a full -house, and everybody stayed—in -bed. Barometer throbbing feverishly, -indicating a long dry spell.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The breakfast-gong was sounded -by the Steward, but not a soul made -a move. Cries of “Lynch him!” -from the staterooms.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Captain has been looking over -the Log, and says I keep it like a -butcher’s book. I told him to keep -it himself if he didn’t like it.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>11 A. M.—The Steward got everybody -on deck by turning in a still -<a name="pg.038" id="pg.038" href="#pg.038"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>38<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>alarm that the next round was on -the house. The push dressed like a -commuter making the 8.13 train. -Everybody voted it a dirty trick.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>11.30 A. M.—Tied up at Water -Tank No. 1, and took on fifty cases -of lemon soda and sarsaparilla, and -a case of malted milk for Moxie -Matzoon, alias Moxie Grandpa,—a -stowaway, who was discovered -soon after we cleared the Bar. He -is suspected of being the staff correspondent -of the Weekly Water -Cooler. He doesn’t seem to be popular.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>12.30 P. M.—The Captain took -<a name="pg.039" id="pg.039" href="#pg.039"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>39<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>a lunar observation, and reported -that we were in latitude 58:12 W. -from Greenwich, Conn. I asked -him how he managed to observe the -moon in the middle of the day, and -he referred me to the Information -Bureau. Crusty old chap.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Whale sighted. He was blowing -his friends. Cheers from the waterproof -deck, and cries of “I’ll take -the same!”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At 3 P. M. mutiny broke out -among the passengers, but it was -quelled by the Captain with his -trusty little marlingspike. Doctor -<a name="pg.040" id="pg.040" href="#pg.040"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>40<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Zoolak, the ship’s surgeon, diagnosed -the case as thirst, not mutiny.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The undertow of dissatisfaction -among the passengers continues. -Hennessy Martel called a mass-meeting -on the port side, and the -Wagon almost turned turtle. “Trim -ship!” commanded the Captain -from the bridge, and Eggley Monade, -who is a regular wag, asked -him if he thought we were a bunch -of dressmakers.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Passed the Can Buoy on Wurzburger -Shoals. Some of the boys -started to rush it.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.041" id="pg.041" href="#pg.041"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>41<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Loan sharks have been following -the Lithia all day. The Mate says -this is a sign that there’s a dead one -on board. Jim Sling says there will -be one, all right, if he doesn’t fall -off pretty soon. Jim is a sore pup.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Just before 6 P. M. the Lithia -sprung a leak, and we lost considerable -water. Something has also -happened to the hydraulic engines, -and the Captain has given orders to -let go the dope-sheet.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>A round-robin has been sent to -the Captain, requesting him to touch -<a name="pg.042" id="pg.042" href="#pg.042"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>42<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>at the Aquarium, for a look at the -tanks.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The crew held a First Aid to the -Foolish drill, and were instructed -what to do in case a passenger attempts -to fall off the Wagon.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Guinness Stout and the Count of -Maraschino had a hot argument over -the meaning of “load water line,” -the Count maintaining that there -was no such thing. They appealed -to the Captain, who told them they -were both wrong, and that A wins -the box of fudge.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.043" id="pg.043" href="#pg.043"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>43<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>The water-cooler has been emptied -four times since noon, and the -boys are now eating the ice. The -Captain has put everybody on quarter -rations, and the Steward is -serving cracked ice in capsules, only -one to a customer.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Tom Ginn has again been put in -irons for demanding an Angora -pousse cafe.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>No casualties to date, barring one -passenger, name unknown, who was -badly punctured by stepping on a -starboard tack.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.044" id="pg.044" href="#pg.044"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>44<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Shortly before midnight a mix-up -of red and green lights off the -weather bow had the Captain going -for a minute. It turned out to be a -cut-rate drug-store.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>12 P. M.—The decks were -swabbed with Apollinaris; the Ingersol -night-watch was wound up, -the cat put out and the back door -locked, and peace brooded over the -waters.</p> - -<p class="hereendeth">Here endeth the second day of the cruise.<br - /><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-left-bottom.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: bottles and glasses]" /></span></p> -</div> - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 title="The Wife’s Morning After">THE WIFE’S MORNING AFTER<a name="pg.045" id="pg.045" href="#pg.045"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>45<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>He—“The boys had a rattling -time at our house last night.”</p> - -<p>She—(surveying the mess)—“Empty -beer-bottles, nearly empty -whiskey-bottle, half-empty glasses, -empty siphons, distorted corks, fragments -of sandwiches, remnants of -cheese, crumbled crackers, fugitive -olive-pits, beer-stained doilies, -stream from recumbent catsup-bottle -meandering across Aunt Martha’s -embroidered centrepiece, cigar -and cigarette stubs in salad-bowl—over -all a Vesuvian deposit of ashes. -And breakfast only twenty minutes -away!”</p> - -</div> - - -<div class="official"> -<h3 title="First Aid to the Injured">FIRST AID TO THE -INJURED<a name="pg.046" id="pg.046" href="#pg.046"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>46<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>In case of a fall from the Water -Wagon, prompt action will often -save the victim.</p> - -<p>While the life-line is being cast -and the breeches-buoy rigged, lay -the sufferer on his back and spray -him thoroughly with a siphon of -carbonic until signs of consciousness -appear. In the majority of -cases his first words will be: “Make -mine a rye highball.” You will -then repeat the siphon treatment, -at the same time making a few -passes over him and reciting monotonously -in his ear: “Water, water -<a name="pg.047" id="pg.047" href="#pg.047"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>47<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>everywhere, and not a drop to -drink.”</p> - -<p>Usually this will produce a condition -in which the breeches-buoy can -be quickly adjusted and the sufferer -hauled back on the Wagon. If it -fails, work his arms up and down -like pump-handles, and exclaim in -threatening tones: “Your wife is -coming back on the 5.03 train.” If -his eyes remain glazed and his -struggles continue, add harshly: -“She telegraphs that Mother is -coming with her.” Complete coma -should result. If not, it can be induced -by tactfully whispering: -“The next round is on the house.” -This has never failed.</p> - -<p>The breeches-buoy may now be -attached and the sufferer snaked -<a name="pg.048" id="pg.048" href="#pg.048"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>48<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>aboard the Wagon and lashed to the -tank.</p> - -<p>During his convalescence a friend -should be constantly at his side, -reading to him the history of the -Johnstown flood. A single chapter -has worked wonders.</p> - - - -<h3 title="The Water Wagon Library">THE WATER WAGON -LIBRARY<a name="pg.049" id="pg.049" href="#pg.049"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>49<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - -<hr class="short" /> - - -<p>The following carefully selected -list of Books may be had by applying -to any of the deck-hands. They -need not be returned.</p> - -<ul> -<li>“D’ri and I” (Batcheller).</li> -<li>“Many Waters” (Shackleford).</li> -<li>“The Desert” (White).</li> -<li>“Many Cargoes” (Jacobs).</li> -<li>“The Water Babies” (Kingsley).</li> -<li>“Ebb Tide” (Stevenson).</li> -<li>“Frenzied Frappes” (Lawson).</li> -<li>“The Two Van Revellers” (Tankington).</li> -</ul> - -</div> - -<div class="advert"> -<h3 title="Advertisement: Stop that merry-go-round">Stop that<br - />Merry-Go-Round!!<a name="pg.050" id="pg.050" href="#pg.050"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>50<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="carousel">Do things revolve when you retire? -Does your room whirl like a fly-wheel -in a power-house? Does your -trunk go by like the <span class="gesperrt">Twentieth -Century Limited</span>? Do you feel -as if you were looping the loop? -If so, you can flag the merry-go-round -with one of</p> - -<p class="ctr"><big><b>Professor Bunn’s<br - />Patent Plugs for Pifflicated<br - />People</b></big></p> - -<p class="carousel">One of these, inserted anywhere in -the wall, will bring things to a stand-still, -or, put in place before retiring, -will insure a quiet night’s rest.</p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="sans">DON’T SLEEP LIKE A TOP!</p> - -</div> - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 class="logday" title="Third Day">Third Day<a name="pg.051" id="pg.051" href="#pg.051"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>51<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - -<div class="epis"> -<p><a name="pg.052" id="pg.052" href="#pg.052"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>52<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>When you move from Brooklyn, -be sure to burn your bridge tickets -behind you.</p><p class="attrib">—McKelway.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration2.png" title="" alt="🙢 🙠" - width="125" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Treat, and the world drinks with -you; quit, and it leaves you alone.</p><p class="attrib">—Horace.</p> -</div> - - -<p class="loghead"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-right-top.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: Grapevine, soda bottle, corkscrew and champagne glass]" /></span><a name="pg.053" id="pg.053" href="#pg.053"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>53<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></p> -<p class="logstart"><span class="rt12">LOG</span><span class="ns"> </span> <i>Third Day</i></p> - -<p>The morning opened clear and -extra dry. Big head winds. The -Mate tried to take the Sun, but the -sky was cloudy, so he took the -Tribune.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Barometer extra brut. Wind S. W. and scorching.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The saloon sounds like a dog-show. -Everybody has a dry, hacking -cough.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Steward, assisted by the -Ship’s Valet, dusted off the tongues -of the passengers and sprayed them -with Blisterine. They were very -<a name="pg.054" id="pg.054" href="#pg.054"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>54<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>grateful, and a collection has been -taken up to purchase a loving-cup -for him.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Spoke the brewery barge Budweiser, -outward bound, Captain -Umlaut. The Budweiser fired a -salute of four dozen bottles, not one -of which, unfortunately, reached the -Lithia’s deck. In a heroic effort to -rescue a bottle, Tom Collins fell -overboard. He was picked up by -a fishing party, and when last seen -was eating the bait.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>A blood-curdling screech has come -up through the ventilator, and the -<a name="pg.055" id="pg.055" href="#pg.055"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>55<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Captain has gone below with a marlingspike.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Later.—The Captain has returned. -It seems that the Valet -scorched Hennessy Martel’s tongue -trying to iron the wrinkles out of it. -The rest of us have decided on dry -massage for ours.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Scotch-plaid guinea-pig threw -a lighted cigarette in some straw in -the trailer and started a fire. The -deck-hands turned on the sprinkler -and put it out. No great damage. -The purple pig had his Keeley-cured -hams smoked—that’s all.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.056" id="pg.056" href="#pg.056"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>56<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Hennessy Martel has got himself -disliked by nailing up in the -dining-cabin the following teasing -dinner-card:</p> - -<p class="ctr"><small>Cocktails<br - />Grapefruit soused with maraschino<br - />Consomme with sherry<br - />Fried <span id="skate">skate</span><span class="ns"> </span> Soused mackerel<br - />Croute of pineapple with Madeira sauce<br - />Leg of lamb, mint julep sauce<br - />Roast ham, champagne sauce<br - />Artillery punch<br - />Venison, port wine sauce<br - />Plum pudding with lots of brandy sauce<br - />Rum <span id="omelette">omelette</span><span class="ns"> </span> Buns<br - />Brandied <span id="peaches">peaches</span><span class="ns"> </span> Black coffee with cognac<br - />Individual Turkish bath</small></p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.057" id="pg.057" href="#pg.057"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>57<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>At 3 P. M. we made Water Tank -No. 2. Catcalls and groans from -all on board.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Passed the Spit Buoy. Nobody -could.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Turner Van Newleaf, one of the -most popular of the passengers, was -suddenly taken with water on the -brain. Doctor Zoolak bled him, -soaked him, and pulled his leg. -Poor Van Newleaf was compelled -to borrow enough money to finish -the cruise.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Some practical joker raised the -cry of “What’ll you have?” The -<a name="pg.058" id="pg.058" href="#pg.058"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>58<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>panic that followed made a football -mix-up look like a procession of -choir-boys, and a dozen or more -passengers were lost from the -Wagon. Among those that fell were -Jim Rickey and Guinness Stout.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>5 P. M.—Sighted the Players’ -Club. The Captain gave the Engineer -the jingle-bell, and we went -by the danger-point like a squirt -of seltzer.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The drouth in the saloon is intolerable. -The dry batteries that -run the fans have given out. Count -Martini has tossed his waterproof -<a name="pg.059" id="pg.059" href="#pg.059"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>59<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>coat over the rail. He says there -is such a thing as being too dry. -The sentiment was wildly applauded.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Eggley Monade has been going -around asking the conundrum, -“Why is a port-hole like a chaser?” -Everybody gave it up, and he borrowed -the Captain’s megaphone to -reply, “Because it’s something on -the side.” The Mate put a crimp in -him with a belaying-pin, and Doctor -Zoolak thinks that will hold him for -awhile.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At 5.30 P. M. we made Larchmont. -The club-house piazza was -<a name="pg.060" id="pg.060" href="#pg.060"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>60<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>crowded with gold braid, yachting-caps, -and booze. Wigwagged that -we were the Good Ship Lithia, and -they signalled back, “Look out for -floating mines.” Most of the club -members grabbed their drinks and -fled to the cyclone cellars, but the -daredevils of the rocking-chair -fleet sat tight and jeered at us.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Lithia’s decks have been -cleared for action.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Larchmont Commodore has -ordered the club torpedo-boat Highball -to charge the Lithia (to him).</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.061" id="pg.061" href="#pg.061"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>61<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Our Captain, alive to the critical -situation, has jammed the wheel -hard over and given the enemy a -broadside of lithia tablets. The -Highball has reversed her engines -and is heading for the dry-dock. -Her hull looks like a half-portion -of Swiss cheese.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Larchmont Commodore wirelessed -to the Millionaire Volunteer -Fire Department, which made a -record run. They have hooked on -to the club’s fire-water plug, and -are battering us with a two-inch -stream of Glengarry Scotch. We -<a name="pg.062" id="pg.062" href="#pg.062"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>62<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>have replied with our starboard -battery of bromo-seltzer and a fleet -of Whiteheads loaded with strawberry -pop.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Fire Department has uncoupled, -and hooked on to a tank -of club cocktails. The deadly stream -is burning off the Lithia’s paint.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Our passengers, led by Hennessy -Martel, demand the surrender of -the Water Wagon. They are lapping -up the decks.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.063" id="pg.063" href="#pg.063"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>63<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>The mutineers have been driven -below, and the hatches cotton-battened -down.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Our gallant Captain looped the -Santiago loop and is raking the -enemy fore and aft with withering -broadsides of moxie. Some of the -stuff got into the drinks of the rocking-chair -fleet on the club-house -piazza, and the loss of life was appalling.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The enemy, completely demoralized, -ran up the white flag, and, -scorning to take any prisoners of -<a name="pg.064" id="pg.064" href="#pg.064"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>64<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>war, we ’bout-shipped and laid our -course for Delaware Water Gap.</p> - -<p class="hereendeth">Here endeth the third day of the cruise.<br - /><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-left-bottom.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: bottles and glasses]" /></span></p> - - -<h3 title="As experience table">AN EXPERIENCE TABLE<a name="pg.065" id="pg.065" href="#pg.065"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>65<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<table summary="Expense history" id="Experience"> -<tr><td>March 4.</td><td class="lft" - >Advertising for girl to do typewriting</td><td> $ 1.30</td></tr> -<tr><td> 9.</td><td class="lft" - >Violets for typewriter</td><td> .50</td></tr> -<tr><td>13.</td><td class="lft" - >Week’s salary, typewriter</td><td> 10.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>16.</td><td class="lft" - >Roses for typewriter</td><td> 2.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>20.</td><td class="lft" - >Miss Remington’s salary</td><td> 15.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>20.</td><td class="lft" - >Candy for wife and children over Sunday</td><td> .60</td></tr> -<tr><td>22.</td><td class="lft" - >Box of bonbons for Miss Remington</td><td> 4.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>26.</td><td class="lft" - >Lunch with Miss Remington</td><td> 5.75</td></tr> -<tr><td>27.</td><td class="lft" - >Daisy’s salary</td><td> 20.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>29.</td><td class="lft" - >Theatre and supper with Daisy</td><td> 19.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>30.</td><td class="lft" - >Sealskin for wife</td><td> 225.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>30.</td><td class="lft" - >Dress for wife’s mother</td><td> 50.00</td></tr> -<tr><td>30.</td><td class="lft" - >Advertising for young man to do typewriting</td><td> 1.30</td></tr> -</table> - -</div> - -<div class="illo"><a name="pg.066" id="pg.066" href="#pg.066"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>66–7<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><img id="revolution" src="images/revolution.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: Revolution]" /></div> - -<div class="chapextra"> -<h3 title="“At Liberty”">“AT LIBERTY”<a name="pg.068" id="pg.068" href="#pg.068"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>68<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>Miss Tottie Van Tootles is curvy and chic;</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>She sings in “The Prince and the Toad.”</div> -<div>Her wage in the city is twenty per week,</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>Twenty-five when she goes on the road.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>Miss Tottie Van Tootles is handsomely gowned;</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>She has a French maid at her heels,</div> -<div>A cottage at Larchmont, a yacht on the Sound,</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>And three or four automobiles.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>Miss Tottie Van Tootles has published a card -<a name="pg.069" id="pg.069" href="#pg.069"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>69<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>To say she’s “At Liberty” now,</div> -<div>Which envious persons are pleased to regard</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>As the certain result of a row.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>With whom? Why, I really can’t say. I don’t know</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>The details of Miss Tottie’s young life;</div> -<div>But ’tis whispered, I hear (not above, but below),</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>That an angel has taken a wife.</div> -</div><!-- stanza --> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="illo"><img id="wagonplanscr" src="images/wagonplan.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: plan of the Water Wagon]" /><img - id="wagonplanprt" src="images/wagonplan2.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: plan of the Water Wagon]" /><a name="pg.070" id="pg.070" href="#pg.070"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>70<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></div> - - - -<div class="chapextra"> -<h3 title="A Word About the Wagon">A WORD ABOUT THE WAGON<a name="pg.071" id="pg.071" href="#pg.071"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>71<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>The Water Wagon is a ball-bearing, -clipper-built craft of the whale-back -type, designed by Mac Nesia, -and built in Bath, Me. She draws -more water than a yacht-club barkeep, -and her water-line is eighteen -glasses and a pony, with plenty of -hang-over. The Water Wagon is -equipped with Saratoga springs, -which ensure a minimum of jolt, and -a complete battery of hydraulic dust-pumps.</p> - -<p>All the staterooms are heated by -Hot Copper system and lighted by -carbonic acid gas. Don’t blow it out!</p> - -<p>Accommodations on the Water -Wagon are unlimited. There is -always room for one or two more.</p> -</div> - - -<div class="official"> -<h3 title="Water Wagon Menu">WATER WAGON MENU<a name="pg.072" id="pg.072" href="#pg.072"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>72<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p class="ctr"><small>(<i>Breakfast, Dinner, and Supper, and -Midnight Snack</i>)</small></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="ctr"><small>Ammonia cocktail<br - />Seedless <span id="grapenuts">grapenuts</span><span class="ns"> </span> Shredded wild oats<br - />Henniker County hand-picked eggs<br - />(all flavors)<br - />Evaporated Welsh Rabbit<br - />(stuffed with raisins)<br - />Cold tomales<br - />Red, white and blue Saratoga chips<br - />H₂O Punch<br - />Sliced golf balls with mashie potatoes<br - />Boneless blanc-mange<br - />Cracked lemon ice<br - />Predigested pitless prunes<br - />(“Three P” brand)<br - />Dent’s well water crackers</small></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p>All water served on our tables is -kept absolutely wet by a patent -condensing process.</p> - -<p>Do not trouble to report any inattention -on the part of waiters. -We have troubles of our own.</p> -</div> - -<div class="chapextra"> -<p class="deco"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" id="jester" src="images/jester.jpg" - alt="[Illustration: Jester and clown]" /></span><a name="pg.073" id="pg.073" href="#pg.073"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>73<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></p> - -<p>The Editors confess that this is -a trivial and foolish book, and they -will not be offended if you laugh -at it.</p> -</div> - - - -<div class="advert"> -<h3 title="Advertisement: The “Gem” Safety parachute"><small>THE</small><br - />“GEM” SAFETY<br - />PARACHUTE<a name="pg.074" id="pg.074" href="#pg.074"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>74<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - -<p class="sans"><b>IT FLOATS!</b></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="sans"><b>Don’t Jump from the Water Wagon Without One!</b></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p>No more jolts. No more broken bones. -Opens as promptly as a wine agent, descends -like mining stock, and lands you gently -on both feet every time. Will carry any -kind of a load. Sold by all progressive -ship-chandlers.</p> - -<h4 title="">One Man’s Experience</h4> - -<p><small><span class="smc">Mr. Philup Boies</span> writes us: “I have -taken two trips on the Wagon, and found your -parachute a complete success. On the first -occasion it landed me safely in a brewery, and -on the second in a roof-garden. I have recommended -the ‘Gem’ to all my friends as a move -in the right direction.”</small></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="sans"><b>TAKE A DROP AND SEE FOR YOURSELF</b></p> - -</div> - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 class="logday" title="Fourth Day">Fourth Day<a name="pg.075" id="pg.075" href="#pg.075"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>75<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - -<div class="epis"> -<p><a name="pg.076" id="pg.076" href="#pg.076"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>76<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>It is much harder to keep on the -Water Wagon than on a bucking -broncho.</p><p class="attrib">—Remington.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration2.png" title="" alt="🙢 🙠" - width="125" height="36" /></p> - -<p>A watered-silk vest is not a badge -of temperance. Never judge a man -by his vest.</p><p class="attrib">—Woodruff.</p> -</div> - -<p class="loghead"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-right-top.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: Grapevine, soda bottle, corkscrew and champagne glass]" /></span><a name="pg.077" id="pg.077" href="#pg.077"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>77<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></p> -<p class="logstart"><span class="rt12">LOG</span><span class="ns"> </span> <i>Fourth Day</i></p> - - -<p>Barometer dry and blistered. -Mercury bubbling.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At roll-call we were shy twenty -passengers. The Captain thinks -the ones unaccounted for fell overboard -during the excitement at -Larchmont.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Hennessy Martel, Tom Ginn, -and several others are in double -irons for cheering the enemy. All -the souse-renunciators are suffering -tortures from the frightful drouth. -Tom Ginn declares that he has had -a regular stokehole thirst ever since -we left Larchmont, and Hennessy -<a name="pg.078" id="pg.078" href="#pg.078"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>78<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Martel offers to swap his Panhard -and fifty shares of unassessable Hot -Copper for three fingers of lumberjack -rye.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Poor Turner Van Newleaf was -found sitting on the sprinkler trolling -for wine-jellyfish and chattering -to himself. Doctor Zoolak dry-cupped -him and sponged his mouth -with Blisterine.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>10 A. M.—Sighted a night school -of whales galloping after the Lithia. -The wise Mate says this is a sure -sign of a Jonah on board. A committee -of five, headed by the puzzle -<a name="pg.079" id="pg.079" href="#pg.079"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>79<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>editor of Golden Days, has been appointed -to find the Jonah.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Clark Dearborn, champion half-shot -putter of the Chicago Athletic -Club, claimed to have seen two -swordfish fencing off the weather -bow. Doctor Zoolak roped him, -threw him, and tied him in thirty -seconds, breaking the Montana -record.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>2 P. M.—Made Delaware Water -Gap.</p> - -<p>The citizens of the Gap turned -out in a body and gave us a royal -<a name="pg.080" id="pg.080" href="#pg.080"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>80<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>welcome. The Mayor, in a happy -little speech, presented the freedom -of the city and the great key to the -water-works, both of which we were -compelled to decline on account of -the serious condition of our passengers.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>A chorus of young ladies, carrying -a white banneret of watered -silk, with the motto “Purity” and -a crocheted picture of Moses smiting -the rock, raised their sweet -young voices in the affecting song:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container-small"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>“Wait for the Wagon,</div> -<div>Wait for the Wagon,</div> -<div>Wait for the Wagon,</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>And we’ll all take a ride.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.081" id="pg.081" href="#pg.081"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>81<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Jack Redwood and Hy Jinks, of -the ’Frisco Bohemian Club, cut in -with a barber-shop tenor and a sterilized -barytone, and were promptly -and loudly hissed by the snakes in -the trailer.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Hennessy Martel hogged the -limelight by offering to loop the -Water Gap in a ball-bearing catamaran, -without the aid of a net, and -the Captain, scenting trouble, side-stepped -the Gap and made a quick -getaway.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At 5 P. M. the lookout reported -a sour mash freighter. The -<a name="pg.082" id="pg.082" href="#pg.082"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>82<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>passengers are kissing the hem of his cardigan -jacket and calling him another -Columbus.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Later.—The sour mash freighter -turns out to be a root-beer wagon -on its way to a Sunday-school excursion. -The enraged passengers -are now kicking the hem of the -lookout’s jacket.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Committee on Jonah reports -progress.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At 5.30 P. M. we ran into a -<a name="pg.083" id="pg.083" href="#pg.083"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>83<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>dust-gale, caused by an automobile party -brushing their clothes after being -chased by a bicycle cop. The air -is thick with dust and whisk-brooms, -and the Lithia’s passengers are -lying, gasping, on the cravenette -deck. The lookout sends word that -he can’t see a pair of deuces.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Captain has ordered the rose-sprinkler -turned on and the electric-fans -started.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The dust-fog lifted for a few -moments, and the passengers were -seen to be leaping overboard. The -<a name="pg.084" id="pg.084" href="#pg.084"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>84<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Bos’un performed yoehoman service -in rescuing the imperilled and helping -the weak ones back on the -Wagon. A collection was taken up -to purchase him a silver-plated -swinging ice-pitcher.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>6.45 P. M.—The Mate took -soundings, and reported no bottom. -The Captain announced that, from -the depth of water, we must be -nearing Wall Street. The Mate was -ordered to ring for a messenger-boy -and send him after a pilot.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>8 P. M.—The Mate boxed the -<a name="pg.085" id="pg.085" href="#pg.085"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>85<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>compass and the compass won on -points.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Committee on Jonah have -been through the vessel like a pack -of ferrets, and report that the Jonah -can be no other than Moxie Matzoon, -alias Moxie Grandpa. The -report of the Committee was accepted -and ordered inscribed on the -records. A special copy, engrossed -on parchment, will be sent to the -Hon. Bromo S. Emerson, of Baltimore.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Very dull in the smoking-room -to-night. Nothing doing but a game -<a name="pg.086" id="pg.086" href="#pg.086"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>86<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>of tiddlywinks on the O. P. side. -Roderick Dhuar, a reformed Scotch -barkeep, enlivened the hours by -playing “Comin’ Through the Rye,” -with variations, on the cash register. -When he finished he found he owed -the Steward $22.30. He gave his -I O U.</p> - -<p>Shortly after midnight the lookout -reported a strange light on the -port bow. It turned out to be -an electric advertisement, reading,</p> - -<p class="ctr"><span class="allsc">WHEN ALL IN AND SPEECHLESS,<br - />MAKE SIGNS FOR BRICKTOP RYE</span></p> - -<p><a name="pg.087" id="pg.087" href="#pg.087"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>87<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>At this touch of the real thing, -the Lithia’s passengers perked up -considerably, and the yell that -greeted the sign sounded like a -dog being run over by a Mercedes.</p> - -<p class="hereendeth">Here endeth the fourth day of the cruise.<br - /><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-right-bottom.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: bottles and glasses]" /></span></p> - - -<div class="epis" id="redraven"> -<p class="ctr"><a name="pg.088" id="pg.088" href="#pg.088"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>88<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Quoth the Red Raven:<br - />“Nevermore!”</p> -</div> - - - -<h3 title="Omar on the Wagon">OMAR ON THE WAGON<a name="pg.089" id="pg.089" href="#pg.089"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>89<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<div class="poetry-container" id="Omar"> -<div class="poetry"> - -<div class="pt">I.<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>Before the last hour of the Old Year died,</div> -<div>Methought a voice without the Tavern cried:</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>“Oh, cut it out, Khayyam; there’s nothing in’t.</div> -<div>The Water Wagon waits you. Take a ride!”</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">II.<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>So, with the echoes of the New Year’s chimes</div> -<div>The thoughtful Soul upon the Wagon climbs,</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>Cuts out the Grape, and promises to reach</div> -<div>The Bosom of his Family betimes.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">III.<a name="pg.090" id="pg.090" href="#pg.090"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>90<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>At home by six, for Dinner with the Frau;</div> -<div>Early to bed and rise; a little Cow</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>And Seltzer when I line up with the Boys:</div> -<div>That’s mine. I’m on the Water Wagon now.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -</div><div class="poetry"> - -<div class="pt">IV.<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div>A Moment’s Halt—a momentary taste</div> -<div>Of Water from the Wagon!—Oh, make haste</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>And climb aboard! Aqua is sweeter far</div> -<div>Than all the Grape Goods that were ever cased.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">V.<a name="pg.091" id="pg.091" href="#pg.091"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>91<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>For some we loved, the loveliest and the best,</div> -<div>Who tried to beat the Game, are now at rest.</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>They set ’em back, and set ’em back, and then</div> -<div>Were gathered to the Kingdom of the Blest.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">VI.<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>Indeed, indeed, Repentance oft before</div> -<div>I swore, and I was honest when I swore.</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>And then the Wagon bumped the Curb, and I</div> -<div>Was jolted off into a Liquor Store.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -</div><div class="poetry"> - -<div class="pt">VII.<a name="pg.092" id="pg.092" href="#pg.092"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>92<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>They say that Tom and Dick and Harry keep</div> -<div>The Bars at which I gloried and drank deep.</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>Well, let them keep them. I am feeling fit,</div> -<div>And feeding well, and catching up my sleep.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">VIII.<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>I used to think that never blows so red</div> -<div>The Cherry as when Maraschinoed;</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>And watching Barney fish them from the Pot</div> -<div>I have acquired, at times, a lovely Head.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">IX.<a name="pg.093" id="pg.093" href="#pg.093"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>93<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>And that reviving Herb whose tender Green</div> -<div>Fledges the River-Lip—how oft I’ve seen</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>The Barkeep make a Julep with its leaves,</div> -<div>The while upon the Bar I’d lightly lean.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -</div><div class="poetry"> - -<div class="pt">X.<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>But now, my Friends, I’ve had my last Carouse,</div> -<div>And made a Second Marriage in my house;</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>Divorced the wanton Daughter of the Vine</div> -<div>And taken Neptune’s daughter for my Spouse.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">XI.<a name="pg.094" id="pg.094" href="#pg.094"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>94<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>Yon rising Moon that looks for us again—</div> -<div>How oft hereafter will she wax and wane;</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>How oft hereafter rising look for us</div> -<div>Through the Roof Gardens—and for me in vain!</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> - -<div class="pt">XII.<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<div>When in your joyous Pilgrimage you pass</div> -<div>Along the line of Beer and Stout and Bass</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>And Rye and Scotch and Fizz, and reach the place</div> -<div>Where I made One—turn down an empty Glass.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> -</div> -</div> - -</div> - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 class="logday" title="Fifth Day">Fifth Day<a name="pg.095" id="pg.095" href="#pg.095"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>95<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - -<div class="epis"> -<p><a name="pg.096" id="pg.096" href="#pg.096"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>96<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>You can’t tell the age of whiskey -by looking at its teeth.</p><p class="attrib">—King -William.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration2.png" title="" alt="🙢 🙠" - width="125" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The truth is mighty and will prevail. -When you come home with a -package don’t tell your wife you’ve -been shopping.</p><p class="attrib">—Socrates.</p> -</div> - - -<p class="loghead"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-right-top.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: Grapevine, soda bottle, corkscrew and champagne glass]" /></span><a name="pg.097" id="pg.097" href="#pg.097"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>97<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></p> -<p class="logstart"><span class="rt12">LOG</span><span class="ns"> </span> <i>Fifth Day</i></p> - -<p>The sun rose half an hour late. -Eggley Monade, the ship’s wag, -suggested that Old Sol’s safety-razor -must have been out of whack. -The Mate belted him with a piece -of tarred rope, and Doctor Zoolak -with the compass needle took seven -stitches.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Shortly before noon we picked up -the Stock Exchange light, and the -Lithia was slowed down.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Took on Tom Lawson, the pilot, -who knows right off the reel, without -sounding, the depth of water at -<a name="pg.098" id="pg.098" href="#pg.098"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>98<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>every point in the dangerous channel -of Wall Street. Tom brought -aboard his magazine-gun, which he -mounted at the bow, remarking -jovially that he might take a crack -at a pirate or two.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Entered the channel, with Trinity -cliffs astern. Pilot Lawson is at the -wheel, looking very wise. Everybody’s -watching him.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>An indignation meeting has been -called on the two-for-a-quarter deck -by excited passengers who promised -their wives, sweethearts, and parents -<a name="pg.099" id="pg.099" href="#pg.099"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>99<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>to keep out of Wall Street. They -demand that the vessel be put back. -The Pilot remarked, grimly, that it -is harder to get out of Wall Street -than into it. He advises all hands -to hang on and wait for a rise.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>A little before 3 P. M. the -lookout shouted, “Maelstrom dead -ahead!” A panic resulted, and the -cry went up that Lawson was a -bum pilot. Strong and willing hands -tore him from the wheel, and, pursued -by the infuriated passengers -and crew, he ran down the deck and -dove over the taffrail, yawping: “I -will have something to say next -month!”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.100" id="pg.100" href="#pg.100"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>100<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>“We are lost!” the Captain -shouted, as he staggered down the -stairs. Putting three chips on the -red, he spun the wheel to starboard. -Round and round in the clutches -of the maelstrom spun the good -ship Lithia. “Whee!” cried Hennessy -Martel, “this is like old -times. First good whirl my head’s -had since the Lambs’ Club gambol.”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>2.56 P. M.—The Lithia seems -hopelessly lost. The passengers, -with blanched faces, are swapping -farewells and keepsakes.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>2.58 P. M.—Gottlieb Kirschwasser, -<a name="pg.101" id="pg.101" href="#pg.101"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>101<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>of Milwaukee, lost his head, -(the one he came aboard with), and, -screaming, “Heute rot, Morgen tot! -Auf wiedersehen!” hurled himself -overboard.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>3 P.M.—Saved! The Stock Exchange -bell struck three, and the -maelstrom knocked off for the day. -The Lithia’s passengers joyfully returned -to one another the keepsakes -and farewells, and Kirschwasser was -fished out of the drink with a boat-hook -and put in the boiler-room to -dry.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>4 P. M.—We have left Wall -Street, and are bowling along toward -<a name="pg.102" id="pg.102" href="#pg.102"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>102<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>White Rock Point, and kicking up -an awful dust.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The drouth has become intolerable, -and the sufferings of the passengers -are increasing hourly. The -deck-planks are curling up, and the -oakum is oozing from the seams.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The barometer exploded with a -loud pop, and Hennessy Martel, -wild-eyed, ran up the main hatch, -crying, “Is that George Kessler -opening wine?” “No such luck,” -gurgled Tom Ginn, who was spraying -his throat with Blisterine.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.103" id="pg.103" href="#pg.103"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>103<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Old Medford, the Water Wagon -veteran, says he doesn’t remember -a voyage attended by so many disasters. -“We must get rid of the -Jonah,” said he.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>4.44 P. M.—The Captain made a -neat little speech from the bridge, -and presented to each passenger a -dry-point picture of the good ship -Lithia. Most of them were flung -overboard.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>After supper the Captain, a most -considerate man, gave a smoker, in -order to take the minds of the passengers -off their fearful thirst. A -<a name="pg.104" id="pg.104" href="#pg.104"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>104<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Keith circuit top-liner, who has a -whole page and his picture in -“Who’s Who on the Water Wagon,” -gave an imitation of an actor refusing -a drink. The audience overlooked -the screaming absurdity of -the plot in their admiration for the -artistic performance.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Professor Argus, the mind wizard, -offered to read the minds of all the -audience at one crack. Challenged -to perform this astounding feat, the -Professor smiled and said, “You are -all thinking that it is almost time -for a long cold highball.” Crackling -shouts of admiration came from -<a name="pg.105" id="pg.105" href="#pg.105"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>105<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>the parched throats of the audience, -and the protest, “Fake! Fake! -Somebody must have told you!”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Harvey Steele, a floor-walker in a -wholesale anchor house, was the -next entertainer. He gave a realistic -imitation of a crooked barkeep playing -on an upright cash register. -When he finished the audience declared -there was nothing in it.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>An amateur hypnotist was the -next to oblige. “Will some gentleman -kindly step up and assist the -<a name="pg.106" id="pg.106" href="#pg.106"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>106<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Professor in this demonstration?” -he requested. Dead silence; nobody -made a move. The Professor smiled -patiently, and repeated his request; -no takers. Finally the Captain, who -had drifted in, stepped up, remarking, -“Try your stunt on me, Professor.” -(Deafening applause.) The -amateur hypnotist took the Captain -in hand and made a few passes at -him, and he took the count in six -seconds. “Happy man!” cried the -Professor, fixing the subject with his -glittering eye. “Happy man! you -are soused for fair, and are opening -vintage wine.” “Whee!” said the -Captain, bracing himself against -Davy Jones’s locker. “Frappe two -<a name="pg.107" id="pg.107" href="#pg.107"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>107<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>more quarts! Line up, boys!” -(Tumultuous applause, and cries of -“Don’t wake him up!”) But the -Professor did wake him up, and the -Captain bowed sheepishly and returned -to the wheel-house. “Will -some other gentleman kindly step -up?” asked the Amateur Hypnotist. -The scramble that followed made -the rush-hour at the Brooklyn -Bridge look like a chess tournament. -In the jam the Professor’s -shoulder was dislocated, putting him -out of business.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>2 A. M.—Hennessy Martel has -tied a string around his thumb to -<a name="pg.108" id="pg.108" href="#pg.108"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>108<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>remind himself to take a drink the -minute he gets off the Wagon.</p> - - -<p class="hereendeth">Here endeth the fifth day of the cruise.<br - /><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-left-bottom.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: bottles and glasses]" /></span></p> - - -<h3 title="“The Darkest Hour”">“THE DARKEST HOUR”<a name="pg.109" id="pg.109" href="#pg.109"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>109<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - - -<p>When a gentleman is deposited -on his door-mat by a friendly copper, -like a cake of ice or a jar of -milk, his sense of humour is wonderfully -acute. To tip over an -aquarium of goldfish on his way -through the hall strikes him as the -height of the ridiculous, and the -flopping of the little fishes and turtles -on the Persian rug throws him -into spasms of stifled mirth. He -chuckles himself into hiccoughs -over his vain attempts to unlace his -shoes while lying on his back, and -his progress up-stairs on all fours is -<a name="pg.110" id="pg.110" href="#pg.110"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>110<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>accompanied by joyous giggles. -When he loses his equilibrium and -rolls back down-stairs, he sits up -and says: “God pity the men at -sea on a night like this!”</p> - -<p>He is now serious. He turns on -all the electric lights and remarks, -censoriously: “Here it is broad -daylight, the front stoop unswept, -and not a soul in the house up.” In -this spirit of criticism he ascends to -his wife’s room, and, as she raises -her head from the pillow for one -comprehensive glance, he says, -sternly: “Things are going from -bad to worse in this house.”</p> - -<p>To her icy rejoinder, “Is that -any reason why you should come -home in this condition?” he replies, -with unruffled importance: “The -kitchen fire is out; the canary hasn’t -<a name="pg.111" id="pg.111" href="#pg.111"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>111<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>been fed; the piano isn’t dusted; -and look at this!” He holds up a -ravelling. “Found it right in the -middle of the hall! What kind of -housekeeping do you call that? -Why, if I tried to run my business -that way, we’d all be in the poor-house.”</p> - -<p>Softly and soothingly his spouse -returns: “Frank, if you’ll lay the -two goldfish on the bureau and -come to bed, we’ll have a long talk -about it in the morning.”</p> - -<p>And they do.</p> - -</div> - - - - -<div class="advert"> -<h3 title="Advertisement: Dr Bugg Howes"><span class="vanilla"><img id="eyeball" src="images/eye.jpg" - alt="The Eye" /></span><a name="pg.112" id="pg.112" href="#pg.112"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>112<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a><br - />Dr. Bugg Howes<br - /><small>OCULIST</small></h3> - - - -<p class="sans"><b><span class="rt2">Room 26,</span><span class="ns"> </span> Hygeia Building</b></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="sans"><b>If you see things, I can help you!</b></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p><small>One bottle of my celebrated BUGGINE -will clear the sight of all imaginary objects. -Menageries removed by my painless process.</small></p> - -<p><small>If you see objects double, an application of -SKATORIA OINTMENT will put you right.</small></p> - -<p><small>Send for booklet of testimonials from prominent -actors, Congressmen, journalists, and -club-men,—printed by special permission.</small></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="sans"><b>“SEEING IS NOT BELIEVING!”</b></p> - -</div> - - -<div class="chap"> -<h3 class="logday" title="Sixth Day">Sixth Day<a name="pg.113" id="pg.113" href="#pg.113"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>113<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></h3> - -<div class="epis"> -<p><a name="pg.114" id="pg.114" href="#pg.114"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>114<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Always keep your powder dry—that’s -all.</p><p class="attrib">—Mennen.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration2.png" title="" alt="🙢 🙠" - width="125" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Beware of the man who picks -things off your coat lapel while conversing -with you. He never buys.</p><p - class="attrib">—Fra Elbertus.</p> -</div> - -<p class="loghead"><span class="vanilla"><img class="central" src="images/page-decoration-right-top.jpg" - alt="[Decoration: Grapevine, soda bottle, corkscrew and champagne glass]" /></span><a name="pg.115" id="pg.115" href="#pg.115"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>115<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></p> -<p class="logstart"><span class="rt12">LOG</span><span class="ns"> </span> <i>Sixth Day</i></p> - -<p>The morning opened as still and -dry as Boston after 11 P. M. The -sun rose red as an auction flag -against a cold-gravy sky, and the -atmosphere is heavy with something -doing. The Captain, solemn as a -night-clerk in a Raines Law hotel, -is at the wheel, and the Lookout is -pop-eyed. A few insomniacal passengers -are pacing the deck like a -man who has been called for margin, -and are bothering the Captain -with fool questions. The Captain -has put on a pair of plush ear-muffs.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>11 A. M.—Dirty weather ahead. -The Lithia is logging her limit, in -<a name="pg.116" id="pg.116" href="#pg.116"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>116<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>an effort to weather White Rock -Point before the storm breaks.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>11.20 A. M.—The Lookout reports -a siphon-shaped cloud off the -weather bow. The air is laden with -dust, and is coming in dry hot puffs. -Tom Ginn thinks we are running -into another automobile party, but -Old Medford says we are up against -worse than that.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>11.30 A. M.—The wind has risen -to half a gale, and the dust is settling -on the Lithia’s decks like the -soot from a smoking nickel-plated -<a name="pg.117" id="pg.117" href="#pg.117"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>117<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>banquet-lamp. Most of the passengers -have turned out, prepared for -anything.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Gottlieb Kirschwasser has just -made his will, bequeathing his collection -of dried butterflies and a set -of Schiller’s works to the Milwaukee -Gemuthlich Society.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>11.45 A. M.—The pink rats are -deserting the ship.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>A tidal wave of dust swept over -us, carrying away the life-boat and -<a name="pg.118" id="pg.118" href="#pg.118"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>118<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Kirschwasser’s meerschaum pipe -with a galloping horse carved on it. -Kirschwasser says he won it at a -pinochle tournament in Munich, and -is crazed by the loss. Nobody else -seems to caradam.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Steward has distributed auto -goggles, but the passengers are still -unable to see three fingers before -their faces.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Captain has turned the wheel -over to the Mate, and has gone -among the passengers, striving to reassure -them. It seems we are off -<a name="pg.119" id="pg.119" href="#pg.119"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>119<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>the Axminster Carpet Cleaning -Works, beside which Cape Hatteras -is a goldfish aquarium.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The sufferings of the passengers -baffle description. Everybody feels -that this is his last trip on the -Wagon. Hennessy Martel has -tied another string around his -thumb, to remind himself to make -it two drinks when he gets off.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Old Medford, who is as mad as -a conductor when you give him five -pennies, insists that the Jonah be -dumped overboard. A dogged, -<a name="pg.120" id="pg.120" href="#pg.120"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>120<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>determined committee has gone below -to yank out Moxie Grandpa, who, -as old Medford says, is an interloper, -anyway, and has no more -business on the Water Wagon than -a trousers stretcher in a young -ladies’ seminary.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Later.—Old Matzoon has been -dragged up from the hold, kicking -and clawing, and the passengers are -balloting on the proper disposition -of him.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>While the ballot was being taken, -another tidal wave of dust broke -<a name="pg.121" id="pg.121" href="#pg.121"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>121<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>over the hapless Lithia, and the -enraged passengers and crew cried -in chorus, “Over with the Jonah!” -The wretched Moxie fiend was thereupon -flung into the trailer, despite -the protests of the magenta elephant -and the Scotch-plaid guinea-pig.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At 1.20 P. M. the Lithia grounded -with a fearful crash, and the billows -of dust that broke over her carried -away the sprinkler and all the spokes -in the aft wheel. A composite picture -of John B. Gough and Carrie -Nation fell to the cabin floor and -was totally wrecked.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.122" id="pg.122" href="#pg.122"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>122<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>Buried in dust from deck to -trucks, the Lithia lay on her side, -pounding like a farmer at Coney -Island on a “Try Your Strength” -machine. The good old Wagon was -doomed. Nothing could hold in -such a simoom.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The Captain shouted down-wind, -“Cut away the trailer!” The ship’s -Carpenter, with hammer and cold-chisel, -severed the tow-line, and the -menagerie vanished in the dust.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At 1.35 the Lithia sprung a bunch -of leaks, and every drop of water -<a name="pg.123" id="pg.123" href="#pg.123"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>123<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>ran out of her. We are now high -and horribly dry. Hennessy Martel -has tied still another string around -his thumb, to remind himself to -make it three drinks when he gets -off. His hand is beginning to look -like a hammock.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>At 1.50 P. M. orders were given to -lighten ship. We threw over ten -bales of temperance pledges, fifty -cases malted milk, thirty-two cases -sarsaparilla, eighteen carboys root -beer, twenty-seven vats lemon soda, -two hundred and thirty-five gallons -mineral water, the library, -the band, the cash register, seventy-five -<a name="pg.124" id="pg.124" href="#pg.124"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>124<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>bundles of blue ribbons, the -water-cooler and three tons of -cracked ice, the pianola, Gottlieb -Kirschwasser, and Doctor Zoolak. -The Lithia righted, and it looks as -if the gallant craft will ride it out. -Cheers are rattling from the warped -throats of passengers and crew.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>2 P. M.—We are lost! A fresh -consignment of boarding-house carpets -has just been thrown under the -slapsticks at the Cleaning Works. -This is the limit of dirty weather.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Hurrah! A St. Bernard dog with -<a name="pg.125" id="pg.125" href="#pg.125"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>125<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>a little brown jug tied to his neck -is battling his way toward the -doomed Water Wagon. Good old -Nero!</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>The St. Bernard has leaped -aboard. Merciful heavens! the jug -contains arnica! We have torn off -Nero’s license tag and chucked him -overboard.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>Hennessy Martel is maudlin and -weeping on my pleated shirt-front. -“In case you pull through, old -man,” he says, “tell my poor little -wife (the tall one) that my -<a name="pg.126" id="pg.126" href="#pg.126"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>126<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>insurance policy is in the kitchen -clock with the milk tickets.”</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>2.20 P. M.—We have launched -the life-raft, and stocked it hastily -with the following supplies: One -case Jack Spratt’s assorted dog biscuits, -two dozen golf balls, a crate -of sponges, two telephone books, -one “Little Giant” gas-stove, one -“Little Gem” safety lawn-mower, -six dozen Lady Macbeth lamp-chimneys, -one Prospect Park croquet -set, four wheelbarrows, one -roll-top desk, and one Colonial highboy -with glass knobs. This outfit -will keep us going for a few days.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p><!-- not in original due to page break --> - -<p><a name="pg.127" id="pg.127" href="#pg.127"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>127<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a>At 2.30 P. M. we cut away the -life-raft and pushed off, and we are -now pitching and tossing on the -dusty billows. Heaven only knows -how much longer our sufferings will -be prolonged.</p> - -<p class="deco"><img src="images/decoration1.png" title="" alt="🙠🙢" - width="63" height="36" /></p> - -<p>I am parched and weary, and my -pencil is worn to the quick. Ho, -Steward, fetch me a milk-bottle with -a patent stopper! I must commit -these writings to the restless sea.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container-small"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"><div>Go, little Log, from this our solitude;</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>We cast thee on the waters—go thy ways.</div> -<div>And if thy luck (unlike our own) be good,</div> -<div class="i1"><span class="ns"> </span>Some one will read thee after many days.</div> -<span class="ns"><br - /></span></div><!-- stanza --> -</div> -</div> - -</div> - -<div class="epilogue"> -<div id="epi0">So here endeth the Log of the Water <a name="pg.128" id="pg.128" href="#pg.128"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>128<span class="ns">] - </span></span></a></div> - <div id="epi1">Wagon, as hammered into Eng-</div> - <div>lish by the Authors on Watt’ell</div> - <div id="epi2">paper; the illustrations by</div> - <div id="epi3">Saint Louis, and the whole</div> - <div id="epi4">done into a book by the</div> - <div>H. M. Caldwell Co., at</div> - <div>Boston, which is near</div> - <div>Bunker Hill, in the</div> - <div id="epi5">State of Massa-</div> - <div>chusetts, in the</div> - <div id="epi6">year One</div> - <div id="epi7">Thousand</div> - <div id="epi8">Nine</div> - <div id="epi9">Hun-</div> - <div id="epi10">dred</div> - <div id="epi11">and</div> - <div>Five</div> - <div id="epi12">'¡'</div> -</div> - -<div class="illo"><span class="pagenum"><span - class="ns">[</span>Endpaper<span class="ns">] - </span></span><img id="dissolution" src="images/dissolution.jpg" - alt="[Endpaper: Dissolution]" /></div> - - -<div class="tnote"> -<h3>Transcriber’s Note</h3> - -<p>Inconsistent hyphenation (drydock/dry-dock) has been left as printed in the original.</p> - -</div> - - - -<hr class="ww" /> - - - - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Water Wagon, by -Bert Leston Taylor and W. C. 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