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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5723-h.zip b/5723-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6725f33 --- /dev/null +++ b/5723-h.zip diff --git a/5723-h/5723-h.htm b/5723-h/5723-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..256d6da --- /dev/null +++ b/5723-h/5723-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2576 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Project Gutenberg eBook of Press Cuttings, by George Bernard Shaw + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Press Cuttings, by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Press Cuttings + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Release Date: May 28, 2009 [EBook #5723] +Last Updated: December 10, 2012 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRESS CUTTINGS *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol, and David Widger + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + PRESS CUTTINGS + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Bernard Shaw + </h2> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h3> + 1913 + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <div class="mynote"> + <p> + TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: The edition from which this etext was taken lacks + contractions, so it reads dont for don't and Ill for I'll, for example. + The play has been reproduced exactly as printed. + </p> + <br /> + </div> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + The forenoon of the first of April, 1911. + </p> + <p> + General Mitchener is at his writing table in the War Office, opening + letters. On his left is the fireplace, with a fire burning. On his right, + against the opposite wall is a standing desk with an office stool. The + door is in the wall behind him, half way between the table and the desk. + The table is not quite in the middle of the room: it is nearer to the + hearthrug than to the desk. There is a chair at each end of it for persons + having business with the general. There is a telephone on the table. Long + silence. + </p> + <p> + A VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + </p> + <p> + The General starts convulsively; snatches a revolver from a drawer, and + listens in an agony of apprehension. Nothing happens. He puts the revolver + back, ashamed; wipes his brow; and resumes his work. He is startled afresh + by the entry of an Orderly. This Orderly is an unsoldierly, slovenly, + discontented young man. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Oh, it's only you. Well? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Another one, sir. Shes chained herself. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Chained herself? How? To what? Weve taken away the railings and + everything that a chain can be passed through. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. We forgot the doorscraper, sir. She laid down on the flags + and got the chain through before she started hollerin. Shes lying there + now; and she says that youve got the key of the padlock in a letter in a + buff envelope, and that you will see her when you open it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Shes mad. Have the scraper dug up and let her go home with it + hanging round her neck. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Theres a buff envelope there, sir. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Youre all afraid of these women (picking the letter up). It + does seem to have a key in it. (He opens the letter, and takes out a key + and a note.) "Dear Mitch"—Well, I'm dashed! + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Yes Sir. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What do you mean by Yes Sir? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Well, you said you was dashed, Sir; and you did look if youll + excuse my saying it, Sir—well, you looked it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (who has been reading the letter, and is too astonished to + attend to the Orderlys reply). This is a letter from the Prime Minister + asking me to release the woman with this key if she padlocks herself, and + to have her shown up and see her at once. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (tremulously). Dont do it, governor. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (angrily). How often have I ordered you not to address me as + governor. Remember that you are a soldier and not a vulgar civilian. + Remember also that when a man enters the army he leaves fear behind him. + Heres the key. Unlock her and show her up. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Me unlock her! I dursent. Lord knows what she'd do to me. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (pepperily, rising). Obey your orders instantly, Sir, and dont + presume to argue. Even if she kills you, it is your duty to die for your + country. Right about face. March. (The Orderly goes out, trembling.) + </p> + <p> + THE VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for Women! + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (mimicking her). Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for + Women! (in his natural voice) Votes for children! Votes for babies! Votes + for monkeys! (He posts himself on the hearthrug, and awaits the enemy.) + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (outside). In you go. (He pushes a panting Suffraget into the + room.) The person sir. (He withdraws.) + </p> + <p> + The Suffraget takes off her tailor made skirt and reveals a pair of + fashionable trousers. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (horrified). Stop, madam. What are you doing? You must not + undress in my presence. I protest. Not even your letter from the Prime + Minister— + </p> + <p> + THE SUFFRAGET. My dear Mitchener: I AM the Prime Minister. (He tears off + his hat and cloak; throws them on the desk; and confronts the General in + the ordinary costume of a Cabinet minister.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Good heavens! Balsquith! + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (throwing himself into Mitchener's chair). Yes: it is indeed + Balsquith. It has come to this: that the only way that the Prime Minister + of England can get from Downing Street to the War Office is by assuming + this disguise; shrieking "VOTES for Women"; and chaining himself to your + doorscraper. They were at the corner in force. They cheered me. + Bellachristina herself was there. She shook my hand and told me to say I + was a vegetarian, as the diet was better in Holloway for vegetarians. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Why didnt you telephone? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. They tap the telephone. Every switchboard in London is in their + hands or in those of their young men. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Where on Earth did you get that dress? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. I stole it from a little Exhibition got up by my wife in + Downing Street. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. You dont mean to say its a French dress? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Great Heavens, no. My wife isnt allowed even to put on her + gloves with French chalk. Everything labelled Made in Camberwell. She + advised me to come to you. And what I have to say must be said here to you + personally, in the most intimate confidence, with the most urgent + persuasion. Mitchener: Sandstone has resigned. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (amazed). Old Red resigned! + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Resigned. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. But how? Why? Oh, impossible! the proclamation of martial law + last Tuesday made Sandstone virtually Dictator in the metropolis, and to + resign now is flat desertion. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Yes, yes, my dear Mitchener; I know all that as well as you do: + I argued with him until I was black in the face and he so red about the + neck that if I had gone on he would have burst. He is furious because we + have abandoned his plan. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. But you accepted it unconditionally. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Yes, before we knew what it was. It was unworkable, you know. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I dont know. Why is it unworkable? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. I mean the part about drawing a cordon round Westminster at a + distance of two miles; and turning all women out of it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. A masterpiece of strategy. Let me explain. The Suffragets are a + very small body; but they are numerous enough to be troublesome—even + dangerous—when they are all concentrated in one place—say in + Parliament Square. But by making a two-mile radius and pushing them beyond + it, you scatter their attack over a circular line twelve miles long. A + superb piece of tactics. Just what Wellington would have done. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But the women wont go. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Nonsense: they must go. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. They wont. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What does Sandstone say? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. He says: Shoot them down. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Of course. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Youre not serious? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Im perfectly serious. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But you cant shoot them down! Women, you know! + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (straddling confidently). Yes you can. Strange as it may seem to + you as a civilian, Balsquith, if you point a rifle at a woman and fire it, + she will drop exactly as a man drops. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But suppose your own daughters—Helen and Georgina. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. My daughters would not dream of disobeying the proclamation. + (As an after thought.) At least Helen wouldnt. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But Georgina? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Georgina would if she knew shed be shot if she didnt. Thats how + the thing would work. Military methods are really the most merciful in the + end. You keep sending these misguided women to Holloway and killing them + slowly and inhumanely by ruining their health; and it does no good: they + go on worse than ever. Shoot a few, promptly and humanely; and there will + be an end at once of all resistance and of all the suffering that + resistance entails. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But public opinion would never stand it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (walking about and laying down the law). Theres no such thing as + public opinion. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. No such thing as public opinion!! + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Absolutely no such thing as public opinion. There are certain + persons who entertain certain opinions. Well, shoot them down. When you + have shot them down, there are no longer any persons entertaining those + opinions alive: consequently there is no longer any more of the public + opinion you are so much afraid of. Grasp that fact, my dear Balsquith; and + you have grasped the secret of government. Public opinion is mind. Mind is + inseparable from matter. Shoot down the matter and you kill the mind. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But hang it all— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (intolerantly). No I wont hang it all. It's no use coming to me + and talking about public opinion. You have put yourself into the hands of + the army; and you are committed to military methods. And the basis of all + military methods is that when people wont do what they are told to do, you + shoot them down. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Oh, yes; it's all jolly fine for you and Old Red. You dont + depend on votes for your places. What do you suppose will happen at the + next election? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Have no next election. Bring in a Bill at once repealing all + the reform Acts and vesting the Government in a properly trained + magistracy responsible only to a Council of War. It answers perfectly in + India. If anyone objects, shoot him down. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But none of the members of my party would be on the Council of + War. Neither should I. Do you expect us to vote for making ourselves + nobodies? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. You'll have to, sooner or later, or the Socialists will make + nobodies of the lot of you by collaring every penny you possess. Do you + suppose this damned democracy can be allowed to go on now that the mob is + beginning to take it seriously and using its power to lay hands on + property? Parliament must abolish itself. The Irish parliament voted for + its own extinction. The English parliament will do the same if the same + means are taken to persuade it. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. That would cost a lot of money. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Not money necessarily. Bribe them with titles. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Do you think we dare? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (scornfully). Dare! Dare! What is life but daring, man? "To + dare, to dare, and again to dare"— + </p> + <p> + WOMAN'S VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + </p> + <p> + Mitchener, revolver in hand, rushes to the door and locks it. Balsquith + hides under the table. + </p> + <p> + A shot is heard. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (emerging in the greatest alarm). Good heavens, you havent given + orders to fire on them have you? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. No; but its a sentinel's duty to fire on anyone who persists in + attempting to pass without giving the word. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (wiping his brow). This military business is really awful. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Be calm, Balsquith. These things must happen; they save + bloodshed in the long run, believe me. Ive seen plenty of it; and I know. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. I havent; and I dont know. I wish those guns didnt make such a + devil of a noise. We must adopt Maxim's Silencer for the army rifles if we + are going to shoot women. I really couldnt stand hearing it. + </p> + <p> + Some one outside tries to open the door and then knocks. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER and BALSQUITH. Whats that? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Whos there? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. It's only me, governor. Its all right. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (unlocking the door and admitting the Orderly, who comes between + them). What was it? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Suffraget, Sir. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Did the sentry shoot her? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. No, Sir: she shot the sentry. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (relieved). Oh: is that all? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (most indignantly). All? A civilian shoots down one of His + Majesty's soldiers on duty; and the Prime Minister of England asks Is that + all? Have you no regard for the sanctity of human life? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (much relieved). Well, getting shot is what a soldier is for. + Besides, he doesnt vote. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Neither do the Suffragets. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Their husbands do. (To the Orderly.) By the way, did she kill + him? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. He got a stinger on his trousers, Sir; but it didnt + penetrate. He lost his temper a bit and put down his gun and clouted her + head for her. So she said he was no gentleman; and we let her go, thinking + she'd had enough, Sir. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (groaning). Clouted her head! These women are making the army as + lawless as themselves. Clouted her head indeed! A purely civil procedure. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Any orders, Sir? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. No. Yes. No. Yes: send everybody who took part in this + disgraceful scene to the guardroom. No. Ill address the men on the subject + after lunch. Parade them for that purpose—full kit. Don't grin at + me, Sir. Right about face. March. (The Orderly obeys and goes out.) + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (taking Mitchener affectionately by the arm and walking him + persuasively to and fro). And now, Mitchener, will you come to the rescue + of the Government and take the command that Old Red has thrown up? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. How can I? You know that the people are devoted heart and soul + to Sandstone. He is only bringing you "on the knee," as we say in the + army. Could any other living man have persuaded the British nation to + accept universal compulsory military service as he did last year? Why, + even the Church refused exemption. He is supreme—omnipotent. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. He WAS, a year ago. But ever since your book of reminiscences + went into two more editions than his, and the rush for it led to the + wrecking of the Times Book Club, you have become to all intents and + purposes his senior. He lost ground by saying that the wrecking was got up + by the booksellers. It showed jealousy: and the public felt it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. But I cracked him up in my book—you see I could do no + less after the handsome way he cracked me up in his—and I cant go + back on it now. (Breaking loose from Balsquith.) No: its no use, + Balsquith: he can dictate his terms to you. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Not a bit of it. That affair of the curate— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (impatiently). Oh, damn that curate. Ive heard of nothing but + that wretched mutineer for a fortnight past. He is not a curate: whilst he + is serving in the army he is a private soldier and nothing else. I really + havent time to discuss him further. Im busy. Good morning. (He sits down + at his table and takes up his letters.) + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (near the door). I am sorry you take that tone, Mitchener. Since + you do take it, let me tell you frankly that I think Lieutenant + Chubbs-Jenkinson showed a great want of consideration for the Government + in giving an unreasonable and unpopular order, and bringing compulsory + military service into disrepute. When the leader of the Labor Party + appealed to me and to the House last year not to throw away all the + liberties of Englishmen by accepting universal Compulsory military service + without insisting on full civil rights for the soldier— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Rot. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. —I said that no British officer would be capable of + abusing the authority with which it was absolutely necessary to invest + him. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Quite right. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. That carried the House and carried the country— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Naturally. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. —And the feeling was that the Labor Party were soulless + cads. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. So they are. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. And now comes this unmannerly young whelp Chubbs-Jenkinson, the + only son of what they call a soda king, and orders a curate to lick his + boots. And when the curate punches his head, you first sentence him to be + shot; and then make a great show of clemency by commuting it to a + flogging. What did you expect the curate to do? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (throwing down his pen and his letters and jumping up to + confront Balsquith). His duty was perfectly simple. He should have obeyed + the order; and then laid his complaint against the officer in proper form. + He would have received the fullest satisfaction. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. What satisfaction? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Chubbs-Jenkinson would have been reprimanded. In fact, he WAS + reprimanded. Besides, the man was thoroughly insubordinate. You cant deny + that the very first thing he did when they took him down after flogging + him was to walk up to Chubbs-Jenkinson and break his jaw. That showed + there was no use flogging him; so now he will get two years hard labor; + and serve him right. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. I bet you a guinea he wont get even a week. I bet you another + that Chubbs-Jenkinson apologizes abjectly. You evidently havent heard the + news. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What news? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. It turns out that the curate is well connected. (Mitchener + staggers at the shock. Speechless he contemplates Balsquith with a wild + and ghastly stare; then reels into his chair and buries his face in his + hands over the blotter. Balsquith continues remorselessly, stooping over + him to rub it in.) He has three aunts in the peerage; and Lady Richmond's + one of them; (Mitchener utters a heartrending groan) and they all adore + him. The invitations for six garden parties and fourteen dances have been + cancelled for all the subalterns in Chubbs's regiment. Is it possible you + havent heard of it? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Not a word. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (shaking his head). I suppose nobody dared to tell you. (He sits + down carelessly on Mitchener's right.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What an infernal young fool Chubbs-Jenkinson is, not to know + the standing of his man better! Why didnt he know? It was his business to + know. He ought to be flogged. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Probably he will be, by the other subalterns. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I hope so. Anyhow, out he goes! Out of the army! He or I. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. His father has subscribed a million to the party funds. We owe + him a peerage. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I dont care. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. I do. How do you think parties are kept up? Not by the + subscriptions of the local associations, I hope. They dont pay for the gas + at the meetings. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Man; can you not be serious? Here are we, face to face with + Lady Richmond's grave displeasure; and you talk to me about gas and + subscriptions. Her own nephew. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (gloomily). Its unfortunate. He was at Oxford with Bobby + Bassborough. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Worse and worse. What shall we do? + </p> + <p> + Balsquith shakes his head. They contemplate one another in miserable + silence. + </p> + <p> + A VOICE WITHOUT. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! + </p> + <p> + A terrific explosion shakes the building—they take no notice. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (breaking down). You dont know what this means to me, Balsquith. + I love the army. I love my country. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. It certainly is rather awkward. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly comes in. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (angrily). What is it? How dare you interrupt us like this? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Didnt you hear the explosion, Sir? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Explosion. What explosion? No: I heard no explosion: I have + something more serious to attend to than explosions. Great Heavens: Lady + Richmond's nephew has been treated like any common laborer; and while + England is reeling under the shock a private comes in and asks me if I + heard an explosion. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. By the way, what was the explosion? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Only a sort of bombshell, Sir. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Bombshell! + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. A pasteboard one, Sir. Full of papers with Votes for Women in + red letters. Fired into the yard from the roof of the Alliance Office. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Pooh! Go away. Go away. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly, bewildered, goes out. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Mitchener: you can save the country yet. Put on your full-dress + uniform and your medals and orders and so forth. Get a guard of honor—something + showy—horse guards or something of that sort; and call on the old + girl— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. The old girl? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Well, Lady Richmond. Apologize to her. Ask her leave to accept + the command. Tell her that youve made the curate your adjutant or your + aide-de-camp or whatever is the proper thing. By the way, what can you + make him? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I might make him my chaplain. I dont see why I shouldnt have a + chaplain on my staff. He showed a very proper spirit in punching that + young cub's head. I should have done the same myself. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Then Ive your promise to take command if Lady Richmond + consents? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. On condition that I have a free hand. No nonsense about public + opinion or democracy. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. As far as possible, I think I may say yes. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (rising intolerantly and going to the hearthrug). That wont do + for me. Dont be weak-kneed, Balsquith. You know perfectly well that the + real government of this country is and always must be the government of + the masses by the classes. You know that democracy is damned nonsense, and + that no class stands less of it than the working class. You know that we + are already discussing the steps that will have to be taken if the country + should ever be face to face with the possibility of a Labor majority in + parliament. You know that in that case we should disfranchise the mob, + and, if they made a fuss, shoot them down. You know that if we need public + opinion to support us, we can get any quantity of it manufactured in our + papers by poor devils of journalists who will sell their souls for five + shillings. You know— + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Stop. Stop, I say. I dont know. That is the difference between + your job and mine, Mitchener. After twenty years in the army a man thinks + he knows everything. After twenty months in the Cabinet he knows that he + knows nothing. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. We learn from history— + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. We learn from history that men never learn anything from + history. Thats not my own: its Hegel. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Whos Hegel? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Dead. A German philosopher. (He half rises, but recollects + something and sits down again.) Oh confound it: that reminds me. The + Germans have laid down four more Dreadnoughts. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Then you must lay down twelve. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Oh yes: its easy to say that: but think of what theyll cost. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Think of what it would cost to be invaded by Germany and forced + to pay an indemnity of five hundred millions. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But you said that if you got compulsory military service there + would be an end of the danger of invasion. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. On the contrary, my dear fellow, it increases the danger + tenfold, because it increases German jealousy of our military supremacy. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. After all, why should the Germans invade us? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Why shouldnt they? What else has their army to do? What else + are they building a navy for? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Well, we never think of invading Germany. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Yes we do. I have thought of nothing else for the last ten + years. Say what you will, Balsquith, the Germans have never recognized, + and until they get a stern lesson, they never WILL recognize, the plain + fact that the interests of the British Empire are paramount, and that the + command of the sea belongs by nature to England. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. But if they wont recognize it, what can I do? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Shoot them down. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. I cant shoot them down. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Yes you can. You dont realize it; but if you fire a rifle into + a German he drops just as surely as a rabbit does. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH But dash it all, man, a rabbit hasnt got a rifle and a German + has. Suppose he shoots you down. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Excuse me, Balsquith; but that consideration is what we call + cowardice in the army. A soldier always assumes that he is going to shoot, + not to be shot. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (jumping up and walking about sulkily). Oh come! I like to hear + you military people talking of cowardice. Why, you spend your lives in an + ecstasy of terror of imaginary invasions. I dont believe you ever go to + bed without looking under it for a burglar. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (calmly). A very sensible precaution, Balsquith. I always take + it. And in consequence Ive never been burgled. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Neither have I. Anyhow dont you taunt me with cowardice. (He + posts himself on the hearthrug beside Mitchener on his left.) I never look + under my bed for a burglar. Im not always looking under the nation's bed + for an invader. And if it comes to fighting Im quite willing to fight + without being three to one. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. These are the romantic ravings of a Jingo civilian, Balsquith. + At least youll not deny that the absolute command of the sea is essential + to our security. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. The absolute command of the sea is essential to the security of + the principality of Monaco. But Monaco isnt going to get it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. And consequently Monaco enjoys no security. What a frightful + thing! How do the inhabitants sleep with the possibility of invasion, of + bombardment, continually present to their minds? Would you have our + English slumbers broken in the same way? Are we also to live without + security? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (dogmatically). Yes. Theres no such thing as security in the + world: and there never can be as long as men are mortal. England will be + secure when England is dead, just as the streets of London will be safe + when there is no longer a man in her streets to be run over, or a vehicle + to run over him. When you military chaps ask for security you are crying + for the moon. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (very seriously). Let me tell you, Balsquith, that in these days + of aeroplanes and Zeppelin airships, the question of the moon is becoming + one of the greatest importance. It will be reached at no very distant + date. Can you as an Englishman, tamely contemplate the possibility of + having to live under a German moon? The British flag must be planted there + at all hazards. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. My dear Mitchener, the moon is outside practical politics. Id + swop it for a cooling station tomorrow with Germany or any other Power + sufficiently military in its way of thinking to attach any importance to + it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (losing his temper). You are the friend of every country but + your own. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Say nobodys enemy but my own. It sounds nicer. You really + neednt be so horribly afraid of the other countries. Theyre all in the + same fix as we are. Im much more interested in the death rate in Lambeth + than in the German fleet. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. You darent say that in Lambeth. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Ill say it the day after you publish your scheme for invading + Germany and repealing all the reform Acts. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly comes in. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What do you want? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. I dont want anything, Governor, thank you. The secretary and + president of the Anti-Suffraget League say they had an appointment with + the Prime Minister, and that theyve been sent on here from Downing Street. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (going to the table). Quite right. I forgot them. (To + Mitchener.) Would you mind my seeing them here? I feel extraordinarily + grateful to these women for standing by us and facing the suffragets, + especially as they are naturally the gentler and timid sort of women. (The + Orderly moans.) Did you say anything? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Did you catch their names. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Yes, Sir. The president is Lady Corinthia Fanshawe; and the + secretary is Mrs. Banger. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (abruptly). Mrs. what? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Mrs. Banger. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Curious that quiet people always seem to have violent names. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Not much quiet about her, sir. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (outraged). Attention. Speak when youre spoken to. Hold your + tongue when youre not. Right about face. March. (The Orderly obeys.) Thats + the way to keep these chaps up to the mark. (The Orderly returns.) Back + again! What do you mean by this mutiny? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. What am I to say to the ladies, sir? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. You dont mind my seeing them somewhere, do you? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Not at all. Bring them in to see me when youve done with them: + I understand that Lady Corinthia is a very fascinating woman. Who is she, + by the way? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Daughter of Lord Broadstairs, the automatic turbine man. Gave + quarter of a million to the party funds. Shes musical and romantic and all + that—dont hunt: hates politics: stops in town all the year round: + one never sees her anywhere except at the opera and at musical at-homes + and so forth. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What a life! Still, if she wants to see me I dont mind. (To the + Orderly.) Where are the ladies? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. In No. 17, Sir. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Show Mr. Balsquith there. And send Mrs. Farrell here. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (calling into the corridor). Mrs. Farrell! (To Balsquith.) + This way sir. (He goes out with Balsquith.) + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Farrell, a lean, highly respectable Irish Charwoman of about 50 comes + in. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Mrs. Farrell: Ive a very important visit to pay: I shall want + my full dress uniform and all my medals and orders and my presentation + sword. There was a time when the British Army contained men capable of + discharging these duties for their commanding officer. Those days are + over. The compulsorily enlisted soldier runs to a woman for everything. Im + therefore reluctantly obliged to trouble you. + </p> + <p> + MRS FARRELL. Your meddles n ordhers n the crooked sword with the ivory + handle n your full dress uniform is in the waxworks in the Chamber o + Military Glory over in the place they used to call the Banquetin Hall. I + told you youd be sorry for sendin them away; n you told me to mind me own + business. Youre wiser now. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I am. I had not at that time discovered that you were the only + person in the whole military establishment of this capital who could be + trusted to remember where anything was, or to understand an order and obey + it. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Its no good flattherin me. Im too old. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Not at all, Mrs. Farrell. How is your daughter? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Which daughther. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. The one who has made such a gratifying success in the Music + Halls. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Theres no music halls nowadays: theyre Variety Theatres. + Shes got an offer of marriage from a young jook. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Is it possible? What did you do? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. I told his mother on him. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Oh! what did she say? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. She was as pleased as Punch. Thank Heaven, she says, hes got + somebody thatll be able to keep him when the supertax is put up to twenty + shillings in the pound. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. But your daughter herself? What did she say? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Accepted him, of course. What else would a young fool like + her do? He inthrojooced her to the Poet Laureate, thinking shed inspire + him. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Did she? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Faith I dunna. All I know is she walked up to him as bold as + brass n said "Write me a sketch, dear." Afther all the trouble I took with + that chills manners shes no more notion how to behave herself than a pig. + Youll have to wear General Sandstones uniform: its the ony one in the + place, because he wont lend it to the shows. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. But Sandstones clothes wont fit me. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL (unmoved). Then youll have to fit THEM. Why shouldnt they + fitcha as well as they fitted General Blake at the Mansion House? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. They didnt fit him. He looked a frightful guy. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Well, you must do the best you can with them. You cant + exhibit your clothes and wear them too. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. And the public thinks the lot of a commanding officer a happy + one! Oh, if they could only see the seamy side of it. (He returns to his + table to resume work.) + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. If they could only see the seamy side of General Sandstones + uniform, where his flask rubs agen the buckle of his braces, theyll tell + him he ought to get a new one. Let alone the way he swears at me. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. When a man has risked his life on eight battlefields, Mrs. + Farrell, he has given sufficient proof of his self-control to be excused a + little strong language. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Would you put up with bad language from me because Ive + risked my life eight times in childbed? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. My dear Mrs. Farrell, you surely would not compare a risk of + that harmless domestic kind to the fearful risks of the battlefield? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. I wouldnt compare risks run to bear living people into the + world to risks run to blow them out of it. A mother's risk is jooty: a + soldier's nothin but divilmint. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (nettled). Let me tell you, Mrs. Farrell, that if the men did + not fight, the women would have to fight themselves. We spare you that, at + all events. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. You cant help yourselves. If three-quarters of you was + killed we could replace you with the help of the other quarter. If + three-quarters of us was killed, how many people would there be in England + in another generation? If it wasnt for that, the man d put the fightin on + us just as they put all the other dhrudgery. What would YOU do if we was + all kilt? Would you go to bed and have twins? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Really, Mrs. Farrell, you must discuss these questions with a + medical man. You make me blush, positively. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. A good job too. If I could have made Farrell blush I wouldnt + have had to risk me life too often. You n your risks n your bravery n your + selfcontrol indeed! "Why don't you conthrol yourself?" I sez to Farrell. + "Its agen me religion," he sez. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (plaintively). Mrs. Farrell, youre a woman of very powerful + mind. Im not qualified to argue these delicate matters with you. I ask you + to spare me, and to be good enough to take these clothes to Mr. Balsquith + when the ladies leave. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly comes in. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe and Mrs. Banger wish to see you, sir. + Mr. Balsquith told me to tell you. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Theyve come about the vote. I dont know whether its them + that want it or them that doesnt want it: anyhow, they're all alike when + they get into a state about it. (She goes out, having gathered Balsquith's + suffraget disguise from the desk.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Is Mr. Balsquith not with them? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. Couldnt stand Mrs. Banger, I expect. Fair caution + she is. (He chuckles.) Couldnt help larfin when I sor im op it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. How dare you indulge in this unseemly mirth in the presence of + your commanding officer? Have you no sense of a soldier's duty? + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (sadly). Im afraid I shant ever get the ang of it, sir. You + see my father has a tidy little barbers business down off Shoreditch; and + I was brought up to be chatty and easy like with everybody. I tell you, + when I drew the number in the conscription it gave my old mother the + needle and it gev me the ump. I should take it very kind, sir, if youd let + me off the drill and let me shave you instead. Youd appreciate my + qualities then: you would indeed sir. I shant never do myself justice at + soljering, sir: I cant bring myself to think of it as proper work for a + man with an active mind, as you might say, sir. Arf of its only + ousemaidin; and the other arf is dress-up and make-believe. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Stuff, Sir. Its the easiest life in the world. Once you learn + your drill all you have to do is to hold your tongue and obey your orders. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. But I do assure you, sir, arf the time they're the wrong + orders; and I get into trouble when I obey them. The sergeants orders is + all right; but the officers dont know what theyre talkin about. Why the + orses knows better sometimes. "Fours" says Lieutenant Trevor at the gate + of Bucknam Palace only this morning when we was on duty for a State visit + to the Coal Trust. I was fourth man like in the first file; and when I + started the orse eld back; and the sergeant was on to me straight. Threes, + you bally fool, he whispers. And he was on to me again about it when we + came back, and called me a fathead, he did. What am I to do, I says: the + lieutenant's orders was fours, I says. Ill show you whos lieutenant here, + e says. In future you attend to my orders and not to iz, e says: what does + he know about it? You didnt give me any orders, I says. Couldnt you see + for yourself there wasnt room for fours, e says: why cant you THINK? + General Mitchener tells me Im not to think but to obey orders, I says. Is + Mitchener your sergeant or am I, e says in his bullyin way. You are, I + says. Well, he says, youve got to do what your sergeant tells you: thats + discipline, he says. What am I to do for the General I says. Youre to let + im talk, e says: thats what es for. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (groaning). It is impossible for the human mind to conceive + anything more dreadful than this. Youre a disgrace to the service. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (deeply wounded). The service is a disgrace to me. When my + mother's people pass me in the street with this uniform on, I ardly know + which way to look. There never was a soldier in my family before. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. There never was anything else in mine, sir. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. My mother's second cousin was one of the Parkinsons of + Stepney. (Almost in tears.) What do you know of the feelings of a + respectable family in the middle station of life? I cant bear to be looked + down on as a common soldier. Why cant my father be let buy my discharge? + Youve done away with the soldier's right to have his discharge bought for + him by his relations. The country didnt know you were going to do that or + it would never have stood it. Is an Englishman to be made a mockery like + this? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Silence. Attention. Right about face. March. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (retiring to the standing desk and bedewing it with passionate + tears). Oh that I should have lived to be spoke to as if I was the lowest + of the low. Me! that has shaved a City of London aldermen wiv me own hand. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Poltroon. Crybaby. Well, better disgrace yourself here than + disgrace your country on the field of battle. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (angrily coming to the table). Whos going to disgrace his + country on the field of battle? Its not fightin I object to: its soljerin. + Show me a German and Ill have a go at him as fast as you or any man. But + to ave me time wasted like this, an be stuck in a sentry box at a street + corner for an ornament to be stared at; and to be told "right about face: + march" if I speak as one man to another: that aint pluck: that aint + fightin: that aint patriotism: its bein made a bloomin sheep of. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. A sheep has many valuable military qualities. Emulate them: + dont disparage them. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Oh, wots the good of talkin to you? If I wasnt a poor soldier + I could punch your head for forty shillins for a month. But because youre + my commanding officer you deprive me of my right to a magistrate and make + a compliment of giving me two years ard sted of shootin me. Why cant you + take your chance the same as any civilian does? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (rising majestically). I search the pages of history in vain for + a parallel to such a speech made by a Private to a general. But for the + coherence of your remarks I should conclude that you were drunk. As it is, + you must be mad. You shall be placed under restraint at once. Call the + guard. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Call your grandmother. If you take one man off the doors the + place'll be full of Suffragets before you can wink. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Then arrest yourself; and off with you to the guardroom. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. What am I to arrest myself for? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Thats nothing to you. You have your orders: obey them. Do you + hear? Right about face. March. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. How would you feel yourself if you was told to + right-about-face and march as if you was a doormat? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I should feel as if my country had spoken through the voice of + my officer. I should feel proud and honored to be able to serve my country + by obeying its commands. No thought of self—no vulgar preoccupation + with my own petty vanity could touch my mind at such a moment. To me my + officer would not be a mere man: he would be for the moment—whatever + his personal frailties—the incarnation of our national destiny. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. What Im saying to you is the voice of old England a jolly + sight more than all this rot that you get out of books. Id rather be spoke + to by a sergeant than by you. He tells me to go to hell when I challenges + him to argue it out like a man. It aint polite; but its English. What you + say aint anything at all. You dont act on it yourself. You dont believe in + it. Youd punch my head if I tried it on you; and serve me right. And look + here. Heres another point for you to argue. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (with a shriek of protest). No— + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Banger comes in, followed by Lady Corinthia Fanshawe. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Banger is a masculine woman of forty, with a powerful voice and great + physical strength. Lady Corinthia, who is also over thirty, is beautiful + and romantic. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER (throwing the door open decisively and marching straight to + Michener). Pray how much longer is the Anti-Suffrage League to be kept + waiting? (She passes him contemptuously and sits down with impressive + confidence in the chair next the fireplace. Lady Corinthia takes the chair + on the opposite side of the table with equal aplomb.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Im extremely sorry. You really do not know what I have to put + with. This imbecile, incompetent, unsoldierly disgrace to the uniform he + should never have been allowed to put on, ought to have shown you in + fifteen minutes ago. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. All I said was— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Not another word. Attention. Right about face. March. (The + Orderly sits down doggedly.) Get out of the room this instant, you fool, + or Ill kick you out. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (civilly). I dont mind that, sir. Its human. Its English. Why + couldnt you have said it before? (He goes out). + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Take no notice I beg: these scenes are of daily occurrence now + that we have compulsory service under the command of the halfpenny papers. + Pray sit down. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA AND MRS. BANGER (rising). Thank you. (They sit down again.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (sitting down with a slight chuckle of satisfaction). And now, + ladies, to what am I indebted? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. Let me introduce us. I am Rosa Carmina Banger—Mrs. + Banger, organizing secretary of the Anti-Suffraget League. This is Lady + Corinthia Fanshawe, the president of the League, known in musical circles—I + am not myself musical—as the Richmond Park nightingale. A soprano. I + am myself said to be almost a baritone; but I do not profess to understand + these dis-tinctions. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (murmuring politely). Most happy, Im sure. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. We have come to tell you plainly that the Anti-Suffragets are + going to fight. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (gallantly). Oh, pray leave that to the men, Mrs. Banger. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. We can no longer trust the men. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. They have shown neither the strength, the courage, nor the + determination which are needed to combat women like the Suffragets. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Nature is too strong for the combatants. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. Physical struggles between persons of opposite sexes are + unseemly. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Demoralizing. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. Insincere. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. They are merely embraces in disguise. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. No such suspicion can attach to combats in which the + antagonists are of the same sex. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. The Anti-Suffragets have resolved to take the field. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. They will enforce the order of General Sandstone for the + removal of all women from the two mile radius—that is, all women + except themselves. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I am sorry to have to inform you, Madam, that the Government + has given up that project, and that General Sandstone has resigned in + consequence. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. That does not concern us in the least. We approve of the + project and will see that it is carried out. We have spent a good deal of + money arming ourselves; and we are not going to have that money thrown + away through the pusillanimity of a Cabinet of males. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Arming yourselves! But, my dear ladies, under the latest + proclamation women are strictly forbidden to carry chains, padlocks, + tracts on the franchise, or weapons of any description. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (producing an ivory-handled revolver and pointing it at his + nose). You little know your countrywomen, General Mitchener. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (without flinching). Madam: it is my duty to take possession of + that weapon in accordance with the proclamation. Be good enough to put it + down. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER (producing an XVIII century horse pistol). Is it your duty to + take possession of this also? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. That, madam, is not a weapon; it is a curiosity. If you would + be kind enough to place it in some museum instead of pointing it at my + head, I should be obliged to you. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. This pistol, sir, was carried at Waterloo by my grandmother. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I presume you mean your grandfather. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. You presume unwarrantably. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Mrs. Banger's grandmother commanded a canteen at that + celebrated battle. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. Who my grandfather was is a point that has never been quite + clearly settled. I put my trust not in my ancestors, but in my good sword, + which is at my lodgings. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Your sword! + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. The sword with which I slew five Egyptians with my own hand + at Kassassin, where I served as a trooper. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Lord bless me! But was your sex never discovered? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. It was never even suspected. I had a comrade—a + gentleman ranker—whom they called Fanny. They never called ME Fanny. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. The suffragets have turned the whole woman movement on to + the wrong track. They ask for a vote. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. What use is a vote? Men have the vote. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. And men are slaves. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. What women need is the right to military service. Give me a + well-mounted regiment of women with sabres, opposed to a regiment of men + with votes. We shall see which will go down before the other. (rises) No: + we have had enough of these gentle pretty creatures who merely talk and + cross-examine ministers in police courts, and go to prison like sheep, and + suffer and sacrifice themselves. This question must be solved by blood and + iron, as was well said by Bismarck, whom I have reason to believe was a + woman in disguise. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Bismarck a woman? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. All the really strong men of history have been disguised + women. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (remonstrating). My dear lady! + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. How can you tell? You never knew that the hero of the charge + at Kassassin was a woman: yet she was: it was I, Rosa Carmina Banger. + Would Napoleon have been so brutal to women, think you, had he been a man? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Oh, come, come! Really! Surely female rulers have often shown + all the feminine weaknesses. Queen Elizabeth, for instance. Her vanity, + her levity. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. Nobody who has studied the history of Queen Elizabeth can + doubt for a moment that she was a disguised man. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (admiring Mrs. Banger). Isnt she splendid? + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER (rising with a large gesture). This very afternoon I shall + cast off this hampering skirt for ever; mount my charger; and with my good + sabre lead the Anti-Suffragets to victory. (She strides to the other side + of the room, snorting.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. But I cant allow anything of the sort, madam. I shall stand no + such ridiculous nonsense. Im perfectly determined to put my foot down. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Dont be hysterical, General. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Hysterical! + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. Do you think we are to be stopped by these childish + exhibitions of temper. They are useless; and your tears and entreaties—a + man's last resource—will avail you just as little. I sweep them + away, just as I sweep your plans of campaign "made in Germany—" + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (flying into a transport of rage). How dare you repeat that + infamous slander? (He rings the bell violently.) If this is the + alternative to votes for women, I shall advocate giving every woman in the + country six votes. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly comes in. + </p> + <p> + Remove that woman. See that she leaves the building at once. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly forlornly contemplates the iron front presented by Mrs. + Banger. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (propitiatorily). Would you av the feelin art to step out, + madam. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER. You are a soldier. Obey your orders. Put me out. If I got + such an order, I should not hesitate. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (To Mitchener). Would you mind lendin me a and, Guvner? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (raising her revolver). I shall be obliged to shoot you if + you stir, General. + </p> + <p> + MRS. BANGER (To the Orderly). When you are ordered to put a person out you + should do it like this. (She hurls him from the room. He is heard falling + headlong downstairs and crashing through a glass door.) I shall now wait + on General Sandstone. If he shows any sign of weakness, he shall share + that poor wretch's fate. (She goes out.) + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Isnt she magnificent? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Thank heaven shes gone. And now, my dear lady, is it necessary + to keep that loaded pistol to my nose all through our conversation? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Its not loaded. Its heavy enough, goodness knows, without + putting bullets in it. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (triumphantly snatching his revolver from the drawer). Then I am + master of the situation. This IS loaded. Ha, ha! + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. But since we are not really going to shoot one another, + what difference can it possibly make? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (putting his pistol down on the table). True. Quite true. I + recognize there the practical good sense that has prevented you from + falling into the snares of the Suffragets. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. The Suffragets, General, are the dupes of dowdies. A + really attractive and clever woman— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (gallantly). Yourself, for instance. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (snatching up his revolver). Another step and you are a + dead man. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (amazed). My dear lady! + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. I am not your dear lady. You are not the first man who has + concluded that because I am devoted to music and can reach F flat with the + greatest facility—Patti never got above E flat—I am marked out + as the prey of every libertine. You think I am like the thousands of weak + women whom you have ruined— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I solemnly protest— + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Oh, I know what you officers are. To you a woman's honor + is nothing, and the idle pleasure of the moment is everything. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. This is perfectly ridiculous. I never ruined anyone in my life. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Never! Are you in earnest? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Certainly I am in earnest. Most indignantly in earnest. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (throwing down the pistol contemptuously). Then you have no + temperament; you are not an artist. You have no soul for music. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Ive subscribed to the regimental band all my life. I bought two + sarrusophones for it out of my own pocket. When I sang Tosti's Goodbye for + Ever at Knightsbridge in 1880, the whole regiment wept. You are too young + to remember that. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Your advances are useless. I— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Confound it, madam, can you not receive an innocent compliment + without suspecting me of dishonorable intentions? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Love—real love—makes all intentions honorable. + But YOU could never understand that. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Ill not submit to the vulgar penny-novelette notion that an + officer is less honorable than a civilian in his relations with women. + While I live Ill raise my voice— + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Tush! + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What do you mean by tush? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. You cant raise your voice above its natural compass. What + sort of voice have you? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. A tenor. What sort had you? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Had? I have it still. I tell you I am the highest living + soprano. (Scornfully.) What was your highest note, pray? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. B flat—once—in 1879. I was drunk at the time. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (gazing at him almost tenderly). Though you may not believe + me, I find you are more interesting when you talk about music than when + you are endeavoring to betray a woman who has trusted you by remaining + alone with you in your apartment. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (springing up and fuming away to the fireplace). These repeated + insults to a man of blameless life are as disgraceful to you as they are + undeserved by me, Lady Corinthia. Such suspicions invite the conduct they + impute. (She raises the pistol.) You need not be alarmed: I am only going + to leave the room. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Fish. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Fish! This is worse than tush. Why fish? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Yes, fish: coldblooded fish. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Dash it all, madam, do you WANT me to make advances to you? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. I have not the slightest intention of yielding to them; + but to make them would be a tribute to romance. What is life without + romance? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (making a movement toward her). I tell you— + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Stop. No nearer. No vulgar sensuousness. If you must + adore, adore at a distance. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. This is worse than Mrs. Banger. I shall ask that estimable + woman to come back. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Poor Mrs. Banger! Do not for a moment suppose, General + Mitchener, that Mrs. Banger represents my views on the suffrage question. + Mrs. Banger is a man in petticoats. I am every inch a woman; but I find it + convenient to work with her. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Do you find the combination comfortable? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. I do not wear combinations, General: (with dignity) they + are unwomanly. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (throwing himself despairingly into the chair next the + hearthrug). I shall go mad. I never for a moment dreamt of alluding to + anything of the sort. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. There is no need to blush and become self-conscious at the + mention of underclothing. You are extremely vulgar, General. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Lady Corinthia: you have my pistol. Will you have the goodness + to blow my brains out. I should prefer it to any further effort to follow + the gyrations of the weathercock you no doubt call your mind. If you + refuse, then I warn you that youll not get another word out of me—not + if we sit here until doomsday. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. I dont want you to talk. I want you to listen. You do not + yet understand my views on the question of the Suffrage. (She rises to + make a speech.) I must preface my remarks by reminding you that the + Suffraget movement is essentially a dowdy movement. The suffragets are not + all dowdies; but they are mainly supported by dowdies. Now I am not a + dowdy. Oh, no compliments— + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I did not utter a sound. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (smiling). It is easy to read your thoughts. I am one of + those women who are accustomed to rule the world through men. Man is ruled + by beauty, by charm. The men who are not have no influence. The Salic Law, + which forbade women to occupy a throne, is founded on the fact that when a + woman is on the throne the country is ruled by men, and therefore ruled + badly; whereas when a man is on the throne, the country is ruled by women, + and therefore ruled well. The suffragets would degrade women from being + rulers to being voters, mere politicians, the drudges of the caucus and + the polling booth. We should lose our influence completely under such a + state of affairs. The New Zealand women have the vote. What is the result? + No poet ever makes a New Zealand woman his heroine. One might as well be + romantic about New Zealand mutton. Look at the suffragets themselves. The + only ones who are popular are the pretty ones, who flirt with mobs as + ordinary women flirt with officers. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Then I understand you to hold that the country should be + governed by the women after all. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Not by all the women. By certain women. I had almost said + by one woman. By the women who have charm—who have artistic talent—who + wield a legitimate, a refining influence over the men. (She sits down + gracefully, smiling, and arranging her draperies with conscious elegance.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. In short, madam, you think that if you give the vote to the + man, you give the power to the women who can get round the man. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. That is not a very delicate way of putting it; but I + suppose that is how you would express what I mean. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Perhaps youve never had any experience of garrison life. If you + had, you'd have noticed that the sort of woman who is clever at getting + round men is sometimes rather a bad lot. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. What do you mean by a bad lot? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I mean a woman who would play the very devil if the other women + didnt keep her in pretty strict order. I dont approve of democracy, + because its rot; and Im against giving the vote to women because Im not + accustomed to it and therefore am able to see with an unprejudiced eye + what infernal nonsense it is. But I tell you plainly, Lady Corinthia, that + there is one game that I dislike more than either Democracy or Votes For + Women: and that is the game of Antony and Cleopatra. If I must be ruled by + women, let me have decent women and not—well, not the other sort. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. You have a coarse mind, General Mitchener. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. So has Mrs. Banger. And by George! I prefer Mrs. Banger to you! + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (bounding to her feet.) You prefer Mrs. Banger to me!!! + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I do. You said yourself she was splendid. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. You are no true man. You are one of those unsexed + creatures who have no joy in life, no sense of beauty, no high notes. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. No doubt I am, Madam. As a matter of fact, I am not clever at + discussing public questions, because, as an English gentleman, I was not + brought up to use my brains. But occasionally, after a number of remarks + which are perhaps sometimes rather idiotic, I get certain convictions. + Thanks to you, I have now got a conviction that this woman question is not + a question of lovely and accomplished females, but of dowdies. The average + Englishwoman is a dowdy and never has half a chance of becoming anything + else. She hasnt any charm; and she has no high notes except when shes + giving her husband a piece of her mind, or calling down the street for one + of the children. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. How disgusting! + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Somebody must do the dowdy work! If we had to choose between + pitching all the dowdies into the Thames and pitching all the lovely and + accomplished women, the lovely ones would have to go. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. And if you had to do without Wagner's music or do without + your breakfast, you would do without Wagner. Pray does that make eggs and + bacon more precious than music, or the butcher and baker better than the + poet and philosopher? The scullery may be more necessary to our bare + existence than the cathedral. Even humbler apartments might make the same + claim. But which is the more essential to the higher life? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Your arguments are so devilishly ingenious that I feel + convinced you got them out of some confounded book. Mine—such as + they are—are my own. I imagine its something like this. There is an + old saying that if you take care of the pence, the pounds will take care + of themselves. Well, perhaps if we take care of the dowdies and the + butchers and the bakers, the beauties and the bigwigs will take care of + themselves. (Rising and facing her determinedly.) Anyhow, I dont want to + have things arranged for me by Wagner. Im not Wagner. How does he know + where the shoe pinches me? How do you know where the shoe pinches your + washerwoman?—you and your high F in alt. How are you to know when + you havent made her comfortable unless she has a vote? Do you want her to + come and break your windows? + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Am I to understand that General Mitchener is a democrat + and a suffraget? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Yes: you have converted me—you and Mrs. Banger. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Farewell, creature. (Balsquith enters hurriedly.) Mr. + Balsquith: I am going to wait on General Sandstone. He at least is an + officer and a gentleman. (She sails out.) + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Mitchener: the game is up. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What do you mean? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. The strain is too much for the Cabinet. The old Liberal and + Unionist Free Traders declare that if they are defeated on their + resolution to invite tenders from private contractors for carrying on the + Army and Navy, they will go solid for votes for women as the only means of + restoring the liberties of the country which we have destroyed by + compulsory military service. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Infernal impudence? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. The Labor party is taking the same line. They say the men got + the Factory Acts by hiding behind the women's petticoats, and that they + will get votes for the army in the same way. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Balsquith: we must not yield to clamor. I have just told this + lady that I am at last convinced— + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (joyfully). That the suffragets must be supported. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. No: that the anti-suffragets must be put down at all hazards. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Same thing. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. No. For you now tell me that the Labor Party demands votes for + women. That makes it impossible to give them, because it would be yielding + to clamor. The one condition on which we can consent to grant anything in + this country is that nobody shall presume to want it. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (earnestly). Mitchener: its no use. You cant have the + conveniences of Democracy without its occasional inconveniences. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. What are its conveniences, I should like to know? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. When you tell people that they are the real rulers and they can + do what they like, nine times out of ten, they say, "All right, tell us + what to do." But it happens sometimes that they get an idea of their own; + and then of course youre landed. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Sh— + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (desperately shouting him down). No: its no use telling me to + shoot them down: Im not going to do it. After all, I dont suppose votes + for women will make much difference. It hasnt in the other countries in + which it has been tried. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I never supposed it would make much difference. What I cant + stand is giving in to that Pankhurst lot. Hang it all, Balsquith, it seems + only yesterday that we put them in quod for a month. I said at the time + that it ought to have been ten years. If my advice had been taken this + wouldnt have happened. Its a consolation to me that events are proving how + thoroughly right I was. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly rushes in. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Look ere, sir: Mrs. Banger locked the door of General + Sandstone's room on the inside; and shes sitting on his ead until he signs + a proclamation for women to serve in the army. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Put your shoulder to the door and burst it open. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Its only in story books that doors burst open as easy as + that. Besides, Im only too thankful to have a locked door between me and + Mrs. B.; and so is all the rest of us. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Cowards. Balsquith: to the rescue! (He dashes out.) + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (ambling calmly to the hearth). This is the business of the + Sergeant at Arms rather than of the leader of the House. Theres no use in + my tackling Mrs. Banger: she would only sit on my head too. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. You take my tip, Mr. Balsquith. Give the women the vote and + give the army civil rights; and av done with it. + </p> + <p> + Mitchener returns. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Balsquith: prepare to hear the worst. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Sandstone is no more? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. On the contrary, he is particularly lively. He has softened + Mrs. Banger by a proposal of marriage in which he appears to be perfectly + in earnest. He says he has met his ideal at last, a really soldierly + woman. She will sit on his head for the rest of his life; and the British + Army is now to all intents and purposes commanded by Mrs. Banger. When I + remonstrated with Sandstone she positively shouted "Right-about-face. + March" at me in the most offensive tone. If she hadnt been a woman I + should have punched her head. I precious nearly punched Sandstone's. The + horrors of martial law administered by Mrs. Banger are too terrible to be + faced. I demand civil rights for the army. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (chuckling). Wot oh, General! Wot oh! + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Hold your tongue. (He goes to the door and calls.) Mrs. + Farrell! (Returning, and again addressing the Orderly.) Civil rights don't + mean the right to be uncivil. (Pleased with his own wit.) Almost a pun. Ha + ha! + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Whats the matther now? (She comes to the table.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (to the Orderly). I have private business with Mrs. Farrell. + Outside, you infernal blackguard. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY (arguing, as usual). Well, I didnt ask to—(Mitchener + seizes him by the nape; rushes him out; and slams the door). + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Excuse the abruptness of this communication, Mrs. Farrell; but + I know only one woman in the country whose practical ability and force of + character can maintain her husband in competition with the husband of Mrs. + Banger. I have the honor to propose for your hand. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Dye mean you want to marry me? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I do. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. No thank you. Id have to work for you just the same; only I + shouldnt get any wages for it. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. That will be remedied when women get the vote. Ive had to + promise that. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (winningly). Mrs. Farrell: you have been charwoman here now ever + since I took up my duties. Have you really never, in your more romantic + moments, cast a favorable eye on my person? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Ive been too busy casting an unfavorable eye on your cloze + and on the litther you make with your papers. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (wounded). Am I to understand that you refuse me? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Just wait a bit. (She takes Mitchener's chair and rings up + the telephone.) Double three oh seven Elephant. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. I trust youre not ringing for the police, Mrs. Farrell. I + assure you Im perfectly sane. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for + the answer.) Not out of bed yet! Go and pull her out by the heels, the + lazy sthreel; and tell her her mother wants to speak to her very + particularly about General Mitchener. (To Mitchener.) Dont you be afeard: + I know youre sane enough when youre not talkin about the Germans. (Into + the telephone.) Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for the answer.) Dye + remember me givin you a clout on the side of the head for tellin me that + if I only knew how to play me cards I could marry any general on the staff + instead o disgracin you be bein a charwoman? (She listens for the answer.) + Well, I can have General Mitchener without playing any cards at all. What + dye think I ought to say? (She listens.) Well, Im no chicken myself. (To + Mitchener.) How old are you? + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER (with an effort). Fifty-two. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). He says hes fifty-two. (She listens; + then, to Mitchener.) She says youre down in Who's Who as sixty-one. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Damn Who's Who. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Anyhow I wouldnt let that stand in the + way. (She listens.) If I really WHAT? (She listens.)I cant hear you. If I + really WHAT? (She listens.) WHO druv him? I never said a word to— + Eh? (She listens.) Oh, LOVE him. Arra dont be a fool, child. (To + Mitchener.) She wants to know do I really love you.(Into the telephone.) + Its likely indeed Id frighten the man off with any such nonsense, at my + age. What? (She listens.) Well, thats just what I was thinkin. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. May I ask what you were thinking, Mrs. Farrell? This suspense + is awful. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. I was thinkin that perhaps the Duchess might like her + daughter-in-law's mother to be a General's lady betther than to be a + charwoman. (Into the telephone.) Waitle youre married yourself, me fine + lady: you'll find out that every woman is a charwoman from the day shes + married. (She listens.) Then you think I might take him? (She listens.) + Glang, you young scald: if I had you here Id teach you manners. (She + listens.) Thats enough now. Back wid you to bed; and be thankful Im not + there to put me slipper across you. (She rings off.) The impudence! (To + Mitchener.) Bless you, me childher, may you be happy, she says. (To + Balsquith, going to his side of the room.) Give dear, old Mich me love, + she says. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly opens the door, ushering in Lady Corinthia. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe to speak to you, sir. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. General Mitchener: your designs on Mrs. Banger are + defeated. She is engaged to General Sandstone. Do you still prefer her to + me? + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Hes out o the hunt. Hes engaged to me. + </p> + <p> + The Orderly overcome by this news reels from the door to the standing + desk, and clutches the stool to save himself from collapsing. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. And extremely proud of it, Lady Corinthia. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (contemptuously). She suits you exactly. (Coming to + Balsquith.) Mr. Balsquith: you at least, are not a Philistine. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. No, Lady Corinthia; but Im a confirmed bachelor. I don't want a + wife; but I want an Egeria. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. More shame for you. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. Silence, woman. The position and functions of a wife may + suit your gross nature. An Egeria is exactly what I desire to be. (To + Balsquith.) Can you play accompaniments? + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. Melodies only, I regret to say. With one finger. But my + brother, who is a very obliging fellow, and not unlike me personally, is + acquainted with three chords, with which he manages to accompany most of + the comic songs of the day. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA. I do not sing comic songs. Neither will you when I am your + Egeria. Come. I give a musical at-home this afternoon. I will allow you to + sit at my feet. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH. That is my ideal of romantic happiness. It commits me exactly + as far as I desire to venture. Thank you. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Wot price me, General? Wont you celebrate your engagement by + doing something for me? Maynt I be promoted to be a sergeant. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Youre too utterly incompetent to discharge the duties of a + sergeant. You are only fit to be a lieutenant. I shall recommend you for a + commission. + </p> + <p> + THE ORDERLY. Hooray! The Parkinsons of Stepney will be proud to have me + call on them now. Ill go and tell the sergeant what I think of him. + Hooray! (He rushes out.) + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL (going to the door and calling after him.) You might have the + manners to shut the door idther you. (She shuts it and comes between + Mitchener and Lady Corinthia.) + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. Poor wretch; the day after civil rights are conceded to the + army he and Chubbs-Jenkinson will be found incapable of maintaining + discipline. They will be sacked and replaced by really capable men. Mrs. + Farrell: as we are engaged, and I am anxious to do the correct thing in + every way, I am quite willing to kiss you if you wish it. + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Youd only feel like a fool; and so would I. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. You are really the most sensible woman. Ive made an extremely + wise choice. + </p> + <p> + LADY CORINTHIA (To Balsquith). You may kiss my hand, if you wish. + </p> + <p> + BALSQUITH (cautiously). I think we had better not commit ourselves too + far. If I might carry your parasol, that would quite satisfy me. Let us + change a subject which threatens to become embarrassing. (To Mitchener.) + The moral of the occasion for you, Mitchener, appears to be that youve got + to give up treating soldiers as if they were schoolboys. + </p> + <p> + MITCHENER. The moral for you, Balsquith, is that youve got to give up + treating women as if they were angels. Ha ha! + </p> + <p> + MRS. FARRELL. Its a mercy youve found one another out at last. That's + enough now. + </p> + <p> + CURTAIN <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Press Cuttings, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRESS CUTTINGS *** + +***** This file should be named 5723-h.htm or 5723-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/5/7/2/5723/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol, and David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Press Cuttings + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Release Date: May, 2004 [EBook #5723] +Posting Date: May 28, 2009 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRESS CUTTINGS *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol + + + + + +PRESS CUTTINGS + +Bernard Shaw + +1913 + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: The edition from which this etext was taken lacks +contractions, so it reads dont for don't and Ill for I'll, for example. +The play has been reproduced exactly as printed. + + + +The forenoon of the first of April, 1911. + +General Mitchener is at his writing table in the War Office, opening +letters. On his left is the fireplace, with a fire burning. On his +right, against the opposite wall is a standing desk with an office +stool. The door is in the wall behind him, half way between the table +and the desk. The table is not quite in the middle of the room: it is +nearer to the hearthrug than to the desk. There is a chair at each end +of it for persons having business with the general. There is a telephone +on the table. Long silence. + +A VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + +The General starts convulsively; snatches a revolver from a drawer, +and listens in an agony of apprehension. Nothing happens. He puts the +revolver back, ashamed; wipes his brow; and resumes his work. He +is startled afresh by the entry of an Orderly. This Orderly is an +unsoldierly, slovenly, discontented young man. + +MITCHENER. Oh, it's only you. Well? + +THE ORDERLY. Another one, sir. Shes chained herself. + +MITCHENER. Chained herself? How? To what? Weve taken away the railings +and everything that a chain can be passed through. + +THE ORDERLY. We forgot the doorscraper, sir. She laid down on the flags +and got the chain through before she started hollerin. Shes lying there +now; and she says that youve got the key of the padlock in a letter in a +buff envelope, and that you will see her when you open it. + +MITCHENER. Shes mad. Have the scraper dug up and let her go home with it +hanging round her neck. + +THE ORDERLY. Theres a buff envelope there, sir. + +MITCHENER. Youre all afraid of these women (picking the letter up). It +does seem to have a key in it. (He opens the letter, and takes out a key +and a note.) "Dear Mitch"--Well, I'm dashed! + +THE ORDERLY. Yes Sir. + +MITCHENER. What do you mean by Yes Sir? + +THE ORDERLY. Well, you said you was dashed, Sir; and you did look if +youll excuse my saying it, Sir--well, you looked it. + +MITCHENER (who has been reading the letter, and is too astonished to +attend to the Orderlys reply). This is a letter from the Prime Minister +asking me to release the woman with this key if she padlocks herself, +and to have her shown up and see her at once. + +THE ORDERLY (tremulously). Dont do it, governor. + +MITCHENER (angrily). How often have I ordered you not to address me as +governor. Remember that you are a soldier and not a vulgar civilian. +Remember also that when a man enters the army he leaves fear behind him. +Heres the key. Unlock her and show her up. + +THE ORDERLY. Me unlock her! I dursent. Lord knows what she'd do to me. + +MITCHENER (pepperily, rising). Obey your orders instantly, Sir, and dont +presume to argue. Even if she kills you, it is your duty to die for your +country. Right about face. March. (The Orderly goes out, trembling.) + +THE VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for Women! + +MITCHENER (mimicking her). Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for +Women! (in his natural voice) Votes for children! Votes for babies! +Votes for monkeys! (He posts himself on the hearthrug, and awaits the +enemy.) + +THE ORDERLY (outside). In you go. (He pushes a panting Suffraget into +the room.) The person sir. (He withdraws.) + +The Suffraget takes off her tailor made skirt and reveals a pair of +fashionable trousers. + +MITCHENER (horrified). Stop, madam. What are you doing? You must not +undress in my presence. I protest. Not even your letter from the Prime +Minister-- + +THE SUFFRAGET. My dear Mitchener: I AM the Prime Minister. (He tears off +his hat and cloak; throws them on the desk; and confronts the General in +the ordinary costume of a Cabinet minister.) + +MITCHENER. Good heavens! Balsquith! + +BALSQUITH (throwing himself into Mitchener's chair). Yes: it is indeed +Balsquith. It has come to this: that the only way that the Prime +Minister of England can get from Downing Street to the War Office is +by assuming this disguise; shrieking "VOTES for Women"; and chaining +himself to your doorscraper. They were at the corner in force. They +cheered me. Bellachristina herself was there. She shook my hand and told +me to say I was a vegetarian, as the diet was better in Holloway for +vegetarians. + +MITCHENER. Why didnt you telephone? + +BALSQUITH. They tap the telephone. Every switchboard in London is in +their hands or in those of their young men. + +MITCHENER. Where on Earth did you get that dress? + +BALSQUITH. I stole it from a little Exhibition got up by my wife in +Downing Street. + +MITCHENER. You dont mean to say its a French dress? + +BALSQUITH. Great Heavens, no. My wife isnt allowed even to put on her +gloves with French chalk. Everything labelled Made in Camberwell. She +advised me to come to you. And what I have to say must be said here to +you personally, in the most intimate confidence, with the most urgent +persuasion. Mitchener: Sandstone has resigned. + +MITCHENER (amazed). Old Red resigned! + +BALSQUITH. Resigned. + +MITCHENER. But how? Why? Oh, impossible! the proclamation of martial law +last Tuesday made Sandstone virtually Dictator in the metropolis, and to +resign now is flat desertion. + +BALSQUITH. Yes, yes, my dear Mitchener; I know all that as well as you +do: I argued with him until I was black in the face and he so red +about the neck that if I had gone on he would have burst. He is furious +because we have abandoned his plan. + +MITCHENER. But you accepted it unconditionally. + +BALSQUITH. Yes, before we knew what it was. It was unworkable, you know. + +MITCHENER. I dont know. Why is it unworkable? + +BALSQUITH. I mean the part about drawing a cordon round Westminster at a +distance of two miles; and turning all women out of it. + +MITCHENER. A masterpiece of strategy. Let me explain. The Suffragets are +a very small body; but they are numerous enough to be troublesome--even +dangerous--when they are all concentrated in one place--say in +Parliament Square. But by making a two-mile radius and pushing them +beyond it, you scatter their attack over a circular line twelve miles +long. A superb piece of tactics. Just what Wellington would have done. + +BALSQUITH. But the women wont go. + +MITCHENER. Nonsense: they must go. + +BALSQUITH. They wont. + +MITCHENER. What does Sandstone say? + +BALSQUITH. He says: Shoot them down. + +MITCHENER. Of course. + +BALSQUITH. Youre not serious? + +MITCHENER. Im perfectly serious. + +BALSQUITH. But you cant shoot them down! Women, you know! + +MITCHENER (straddling confidently). Yes you can. Strange as it may seem +to you as a civilian, Balsquith, if you point a rifle at a woman and +fire it, she will drop exactly as a man drops. + +BALSQUITH. But suppose your own daughters--Helen and Georgina. + +MITCHENER. My daughters would not dream of disobeying the proclamation. +(As an after thought.) At least Helen wouldnt. + +BALSQUITH. But Georgina? + +MITCHENER. Georgina would if she knew shed be shot if she didnt. Thats +how the thing would work. Military methods are really the most merciful +in the end. You keep sending these misguided women to Holloway and +killing them slowly and inhumanely by ruining their health; and it does +no good: they go on worse than ever. Shoot a few, promptly and humanely; +and there will be an end at once of all resistance and of all the +suffering that resistance entails. + +BALSQUITH. But public opinion would never stand it. + +MITCHENER (walking about and laying down the law). Theres no such thing +as public opinion. + +BALSQUITH. No such thing as public opinion!! + +MITCHENER. Absolutely no such thing as public opinion. There are certain +persons who entertain certain opinions. Well, shoot them down. When you +have shot them down, there are no longer any persons entertaining those +opinions alive: consequently there is no longer any more of the public +opinion you are so much afraid of. Grasp that fact, my dear Balsquith; +and you have grasped the secret of government. Public opinion is mind. +Mind is inseparable from matter. Shoot down the matter and you kill the +mind. + +BALSQUITH. But hang it all-- + +MITCHENER (intolerantly). No I wont hang it all. It's no use coming +to me and talking about public opinion. You have put yourself into the +hands of the army; and you are committed to military methods. And the +basis of all military methods is that when people wont do what they are +told to do, you shoot them down. + +BALSQUITH. Oh, yes; it's all jolly fine for you and Old Red. You dont +depend on votes for your places. What do you suppose will happen at the +next election? + +MITCHENER. Have no next election. Bring in a Bill at once repealing +all the reform Acts and vesting the Government in a properly trained +magistracy responsible only to a Council of War. It answers perfectly in +India. If anyone objects, shoot him down. + +BALSQUITH. But none of the members of my party would be on the Council +of War. Neither should I. Do you expect us to vote for making ourselves +nobodies? + +MITCHENER. You'll have to, sooner or later, or the Socialists will make +nobodies of the lot of you by collaring every penny you possess. Do you +suppose this damned democracy can be allowed to go on now that the mob +is beginning to take it seriously and using its power to lay hands on +property? Parliament must abolish itself. The Irish parliament voted for +its own extinction. The English parliament will do the same if the same +means are taken to persuade it. + +BALSQUITH. That would cost a lot of money. + +MITCHENER. Not money necessarily. Bribe them with titles. + +BALSQUITH. Do you think we dare? + +MITCHENER (scornfully). Dare! Dare! What is life but daring, man? "To +dare, to dare, and again to dare"-- + +WOMAN'S VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + +Mitchener, revolver in hand, rushes to the door and locks it. Balsquith +hides under the table. + +A shot is heard. + +BALSQUITH (emerging in the greatest alarm). Good heavens, you havent +given orders to fire on them have you? + +MITCHENER. No; but its a sentinel's duty to fire on anyone who persists +in attempting to pass without giving the word. + +BALSQUITH (wiping his brow). This military business is really awful. + +MITCHENER. Be calm, Balsquith. These things must happen; they save +bloodshed in the long run, believe me. Ive seen plenty of it; and I +know. + +BALSQUITH. I havent; and I dont know. I wish those guns didnt make such +a devil of a noise. We must adopt Maxim's Silencer for the army rifles +if we are going to shoot women. I really couldnt stand hearing it. + +Some one outside tries to open the door and then knocks. + +MITCHENER and BALSQUITH. Whats that? + +MITCHENER. Whos there? + +THE ORDERLY. It's only me, governor. Its all right. + +MITCHENER (unlocking the door and admitting the Orderly, who comes +between them). What was it? + +THE ORDERLY. Suffraget, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Did the sentry shoot her? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir: she shot the sentry. + +BALSQUITH (relieved). Oh: is that all? + +MITCHENER (most indignantly). All? A civilian shoots down one of His +Majesty's soldiers on duty; and the Prime Minister of England asks Is +that all? Have you no regard for the sanctity of human life? + +BALSQUITH (much relieved). Well, getting shot is what a soldier is for. +Besides, he doesnt vote. + +MITCHENER. Neither do the Suffragets. + +BALSQUITH. Their husbands do. (To the Orderly.) By the way, did she kill +him? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. He got a stinger on his trousers, Sir; but it +didnt penetrate. He lost his temper a bit and put down his gun and +clouted her head for her. So she said he was no gentleman; and we let +her go, thinking she'd had enough, Sir. + +MITCHENER (groaning). Clouted her head! These women are making the +army as lawless as themselves. Clouted her head indeed! A purely civil +procedure. + +THE ORDERLY. Any orders, Sir? + +MITCHENER. No. Yes. No. Yes: send everybody who took part in this +disgraceful scene to the guardroom. No. Ill address the men on the +subject after lunch. Parade them for that purpose--full kit. Don't grin +at me, Sir. Right about face. March. (The Orderly obeys and goes out.) + +BALSQUITH (taking Mitchener affectionately by the arm and walking him +persuasively to and fro). And now, Mitchener, will you come to the +rescue of the Government and take the command that Old Red has thrown +up? + +MITCHENER. How can I? You know that the people are devoted heart and +soul to Sandstone. He is only bringing you "on the knee," as we say in +the army. Could any other living man have persuaded the British nation +to accept universal compulsory military service as he did last year? +Why, even the Church refused exemption. He is supreme--omnipotent. + +BALSQUITH. He WAS, a year ago. But ever since your book of reminiscences +went into two more editions than his, and the rush for it led to the +wrecking of the Times Book Club, you have become to all intents and +purposes his senior. He lost ground by saying that the wrecking was got +up by the booksellers. It showed jealousy: and the public felt it. + +MITCHENER. But I cracked him up in my book--you see I could do no less +after the handsome way he cracked me up in his--and I cant go back on it +now. (Breaking loose from Balsquith.) No: its no use, Balsquith: he can +dictate his terms to you. + +BALSQUITH. Not a bit of it. That affair of the curate-- + +MITCHENER (impatiently). Oh, damn that curate. Ive heard of nothing but +that wretched mutineer for a fortnight past. He is not a curate: whilst +he is serving in the army he is a private soldier and nothing else. I +really havent time to discuss him further. Im busy. Good morning. (He +sits down at his table and takes up his letters.) + +BALSQUITH (near the door). I am sorry you take that tone, Mitchener. +Since you do take it, let me tell you frankly that I think Lieutenant +Chubbs-Jenkinson showed a great want of consideration for the Government +in giving an unreasonable and unpopular order, and bringing compulsory +military service into disrepute. When the leader of the Labor Party +appealed to me and to the House last year not to throw away all the +liberties of Englishmen by accepting universal Compulsory military +service without insisting on full civil rights for the soldier-- + +MITCHENER. Rot. + +BALSQUITH. --I said that no British officer would be capable of abusing +the authority with which it was absolutely necessary to invest him. + +MITCHENER. Quite right. + +BALSQUITH. That carried the House and carried the country-- + +MITCHENER. Naturally. + +BALSQUITH. --And the feeling was that the Labor Party were soulless +cads. + +MITCHENER. So they are. + +BALSQUITH. And now comes this unmannerly young whelp Chubbs-Jenkinson, +the only son of what they call a soda king, and orders a curate to lick +his boots. And when the curate punches his head, you first sentence him +to be shot; and then make a great show of clemency by commuting it to a +flogging. What did you expect the curate to do? + +MITCHENER (throwing down his pen and his letters and jumping up to +confront Balsquith). His duty was perfectly simple. He should have +obeyed the order; and then laid his complaint against the officer in +proper form. He would have received the fullest satisfaction. + +BALSQUITH. What satisfaction? + +MITCHENER. Chubbs-Jenkinson would have been reprimanded. In fact, he +WAS reprimanded. Besides, the man was thoroughly insubordinate. You +cant deny that the very first thing he did when they took him down after +flogging him was to walk up to Chubbs-Jenkinson and break his jaw. That +showed there was no use flogging him; so now he will get two years hard +labor; and serve him right. + +BALSQUITH. I bet you a guinea he wont get even a week. I bet you another +that Chubbs-Jenkinson apologizes abjectly. You evidently havent heard +the news. + +MITCHENER. What news? + +BALSQUITH. It turns out that the curate is well connected. (Mitchener +staggers at the shock. Speechless he contemplates Balsquith with a wild +and ghastly stare; then reels into his chair and buries his face in his +hands over the blotter. Balsquith continues remorselessly, stooping +over him to rub it in.) He has three aunts in the peerage; and Lady +Richmond's one of them; (Mitchener utters a heartrending groan) and +they all adore him. The invitations for six garden parties and fourteen +dances have been cancelled for all the subalterns in Chubbs's regiment. +Is it possible you havent heard of it? + +MITCHENER. Not a word. + +BALSQUITH (shaking his head). I suppose nobody dared to tell you. (He +sits down carelessly on Mitchener's right.) + +MITCHENER. What an infernal young fool Chubbs-Jenkinson is, not to know +the standing of his man better! Why didnt he know? It was his business +to know. He ought to be flogged. + +BALSQUITH. Probably he will be, by the other subalterns. + +MITCHENER. I hope so. Anyhow, out he goes! Out of the army! He or I. + +BALSQUITH. His father has subscribed a million to the party funds. We +owe him a peerage. + +MITCHENER. I dont care. + +BALSQUITH. I do. How do you think parties are kept up? Not by the +subscriptions of the local associations, I hope. They dont pay for the +gas at the meetings. + +MITCHENER. Man; can you not be serious? Here are we, face to face with +Lady Richmond's grave displeasure; and you talk to me about gas and +subscriptions. Her own nephew. + +BALSQUITH (gloomily). Its unfortunate. He was at Oxford with Bobby +Bassborough. + +MITCHENER. Worse and worse. What shall we do? + +Balsquith shakes his head. They contemplate one another in miserable +silence. + +A VOICE WITHOUT. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! + +A terrific explosion shakes the building--they take no notice. + +MITCHENER (breaking down). You dont know what this means to me, +Balsquith. I love the army. I love my country. + +BALSQUITH. It certainly is rather awkward. + +The Orderly comes in. + +MITCHENER (angrily). What is it? How dare you interrupt us like this? + +THE ORDERLY. Didnt you hear the explosion, Sir? + +MITCHENER. Explosion. What explosion? No: I heard no explosion: I have +something more serious to attend to than explosions. Great Heavens: Lady +Richmond's nephew has been treated like any common laborer; and while +England is reeling under the shock a private comes in and asks me if I +heard an explosion. + +BALSQUITH. By the way, what was the explosion? + +THE ORDERLY. Only a sort of bombshell, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Bombshell! + +THE ORDERLY. A pasteboard one, Sir. Full of papers with Votes for +Women in red letters. Fired into the yard from the roof of the Alliance +Office. + +MITCHENER. Pooh! Go away. Go away. + +The Orderly, bewildered, goes out. + +BALSQUITH. Mitchener: you can save the country yet. Put on your +full-dress uniform and your medals and orders and so forth. Get a guard +of honor--something showy--horse guards or something of that sort; and +call on the old girl-- + +MITCHENER. The old girl? + +BALSQUITH. Well, Lady Richmond. Apologize to her. Ask her leave to +accept the command. Tell her that youve made the curate your adjutant or +your aide-de-camp or whatever is the proper thing. By the way, what can +you make him? + +MITCHENER. I might make him my chaplain. I dont see why I shouldnt have +a chaplain on my staff. He showed a very proper spirit in punching that +young cub's head. I should have done the same myself. + +BALSQUITH. Then Ive your promise to take command if Lady Richmond +consents? + +MITCHENER. On condition that I have a free hand. No nonsense about +public opinion or democracy. + +BALSQUITH. As far as possible, I think I may say yes. + +MITCHENER (rising intolerantly and going to the hearthrug). That wont do +for me. Dont be weak-kneed, Balsquith. You know perfectly well that the +real government of this country is and always must be the government of +the masses by the classes. You know that democracy is damned nonsense, +and that no class stands less of it than the working class. You know +that we are already discussing the steps that will have to be taken if +the country should ever be face to face with the possibility of a +Labor majority in parliament. You know that in that case we should +disfranchise the mob, and, if they made a fuss, shoot them down. You +know that if we need public opinion to support us, we can get any +quantity of it manufactured in our papers by poor devils of journalists +who will sell their souls for five shillings. You know-- + +BALSQUITH. Stop. Stop, I say. I dont know. That is the difference +between your job and mine, Mitchener. After twenty years in the army a +man thinks he knows everything. After twenty months in the Cabinet he +knows that he knows nothing. + +MITCHENER. We learn from history-- + +BALSQUITH. We learn from history that men never learn anything from +history. Thats not my own: its Hegel. + +MITCHENER. Whos Hegel? + +BALSQUITH. Dead. A German philosopher. (He half rises, but recollects +something and sits down again.) Oh confound it: that reminds me. The +Germans have laid down four more Dreadnoughts. + +MITCHENER. Then you must lay down twelve. + +BALSQUITH. Oh yes: its easy to say that: but think of what theyll cost. + +MITCHENER. Think of what it would cost to be invaded by Germany and +forced to pay an indemnity of five hundred millions. + +BALSQUITH. But you said that if you got compulsory military service +there would be an end of the danger of invasion. + +MITCHENER. On the contrary, my dear fellow, it increases the danger +tenfold, because it increases German jealousy of our military supremacy. + +BALSQUITH. After all, why should the Germans invade us? + +MITCHENER. Why shouldnt they? What else has their army to do? What else +are they building a navy for? + +BALSQUITH. Well, we never think of invading Germany. + +MITCHENER. Yes we do. I have thought of nothing else for the last ten +years. Say what you will, Balsquith, the Germans have never recognized, +and until they get a stern lesson, they never WILL recognize, the plain +fact that the interests of the British Empire are paramount, and that +the command of the sea belongs by nature to England. + +BALSQUITH. But if they wont recognize it, what can I do? + +MITCHENER. Shoot them down. + +BALSQUITH. I cant shoot them down. + +MITCHENER. Yes you can. You dont realize it; but if you fire a rifle +into a German he drops just as surely as a rabbit does. + +BALSQUITH But dash it all, man, a rabbit hasnt got a rifle and a German +has. Suppose he shoots you down. + +MITCHENER. Excuse me, Balsquith; but that consideration is what we call +cowardice in the army. A soldier always assumes that he is going to +shoot, not to be shot. + +BALSQUITH (jumping up and walking about sulkily). Oh come! I like to +hear you military people talking of cowardice. Why, you spend your lives +in an ecstasy of terror of imaginary invasions. I dont believe you ever +go to bed without looking under it for a burglar. + +MITCHENER (calmly). A very sensible precaution, Balsquith. I always take +it. And in consequence Ive never been burgled. + +BALSQUITH. Neither have I. Anyhow dont you taunt me with cowardice. (He +posts himself on the hearthrug beside Mitchener on his left.) I never +look under my bed for a burglar. Im not always looking under the +nation's bed for an invader. And if it comes to fighting Im quite +willing to fight without being three to one. + +MITCHENER. These are the romantic ravings of a Jingo civilian, +Balsquith. At least youll not deny that the absolute command of the sea +is essential to our security. + +BALSQUITH. The absolute command of the sea is essential to the security +of the principality of Monaco. But Monaco isnt going to get it. + +MITCHENER. And consequently Monaco enjoys no security. What a frightful +thing! How do the inhabitants sleep with the possibility of invasion, +of bombardment, continually present to their minds? Would you have our +English slumbers broken in the same way? Are we also to live without +security? + +BALSQUITH (dogmatically). Yes. Theres no such thing as security in the +world: and there never can be as long as men are mortal. England will be +secure when England is dead, just as the streets of London will be +safe when there is no longer a man in her streets to be run over, or a +vehicle to run over him. When you military chaps ask for security you +are crying for the moon. + +MITCHENER (very seriously). Let me tell you, Balsquith, that in these +days of aeroplanes and Zeppelin airships, the question of the moon is +becoming one of the greatest importance. It will be reached at no +very distant date. Can you as an Englishman, tamely contemplate the +possibility of having to live under a German moon? The British flag +must be planted there at all hazards. + +BALSQUITH. My dear Mitchener, the moon is outside practical politics. Id +swop it for a cooling station tomorrow with Germany or any other Power +sufficiently military in its way of thinking to attach any importance to +it. + +MITCHENER (losing his temper). You are the friend of every country but +your own. + +BALSQUITH. Say nobodys enemy but my own. It sounds nicer. You really +neednt be so horribly afraid of the other countries. Theyre all in the +same fix as we are. Im much more interested in the death rate in Lambeth +than in the German fleet. + +MITCHENER. You darent say that in Lambeth. + +BALSQUITH. Ill say it the day after you publish your scheme for invading +Germany and repealing all the reform Acts. + +The Orderly comes in. + +MITCHENER. What do you want? + +THE ORDERLY. I dont want anything, Governor, thank you. The secretary +and president of the Anti-Suffraget League say they had an appointment +with the Prime Minister, and that theyve been sent on here from Downing +Street. + +BALSQUITH (going to the table). Quite right. I forgot them. (To +Mitchener.) Would you mind my seeing them here? I feel extraordinarily +grateful to these women for standing by us and facing the suffragets, +especially as they are naturally the gentler and timid sort of women. +(The Orderly moans.) Did you say anything? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Did you catch their names. + +THE ORDERLY. Yes, Sir. The president is Lady Corinthia Fanshawe; and the +secretary is Mrs. Banger. + +MITCHENER (abruptly). Mrs. what? + +THE ORDERLY. Mrs. Banger. + +BALSQUITH. Curious that quiet people always seem to have violent names. + +THE ORDERLY. Not much quiet about her, sir. + +MITCHENER (outraged). Attention. Speak when youre spoken to. Hold your +tongue when youre not. Right about face. March. (The Orderly obeys.) +Thats the way to keep these chaps up to the mark. (The Orderly returns.) +Back again! What do you mean by this mutiny? + +THE ORDERLY. What am I to say to the ladies, sir? + +BALSQUITH. You dont mind my seeing them somewhere, do you? + +MITCHENER. Not at all. Bring them in to see me when youve done with +them: I understand that Lady Corinthia is a very fascinating woman. Who +is she, by the way? + +BALSQUITH. Daughter of Lord Broadstairs, the automatic turbine man. Gave +quarter of a million to the party funds. Shes musical and romantic and +all that--dont hunt: hates politics: stops in town all the year round: +one never sees her anywhere except at the opera and at musical at-homes +and so forth. + +MITCHENER. What a life! Still, if she wants to see me I dont mind. (To +the Orderly.) Where are the ladies? + +THE ORDERLY. In No. 17, Sir. + +MITCHENER. Show Mr. Balsquith there. And send Mrs. Farrell here. + +THE ORDERLY (calling into the corridor). Mrs. Farrell! (To Balsquith.) +This way sir. (He goes out with Balsquith.) + +Mrs. Farrell, a lean, highly respectable Irish Charwoman of about 50 +comes in. + +MITCHENER. Mrs. Farrell: Ive a very important visit to pay: I shall want +my full dress uniform and all my medals and orders and my presentation +sword. There was a time when the British Army contained men capable of +discharging these duties for their commanding officer. Those days are +over. The compulsorily enlisted soldier runs to a woman for everything. +Im therefore reluctantly obliged to trouble you. + +MRS FARRELL. Your meddles n ordhers n the crooked sword with the ivory +handle n your full dress uniform is in the waxworks in the Chamber o +Military Glory over in the place they used to call the Banquetin Hall. +I told you youd be sorry for sendin them away; n you told me to mind me +own business. Youre wiser now. + +MITCHENER. I am. I had not at that time discovered that you were the +only person in the whole military establishment of this capital who +could be trusted to remember where anything was, or to understand an +order and obey it. + +MRS. FARRELL. Its no good flattherin me. Im too old. + +MITCHENER. Not at all, Mrs. Farrell. How is your daughter? + +MRS. FARRELL. Which daughther. + +MITCHENER. The one who has made such a gratifying success in the Music +Halls. + +MRS. FARRELL. Theres no music halls nowadays: theyre Variety Theatres. +Shes got an offer of marriage from a young jook. + +MITCHENER. Is it possible? What did you do? + +MRS. FARRELL. I told his mother on him. + +MITCHENER. Oh! what did she say? + +MRS. FARRELL. She was as pleased as Punch. Thank Heaven, she says, hes +got somebody thatll be able to keep him when the supertax is put up to +twenty shillings in the pound. + +MITCHENER. But your daughter herself? What did she say? + +MRS. FARRELL. Accepted him, of course. What else would a young fool like +her do? He inthrojooced her to the Poet Laureate, thinking shed inspire +him. + +MITCHENER. Did she? + +MRS. FARRELL. Faith I dunna. All I know is she walked up to him as bold +as brass n said "Write me a sketch, dear." Afther all the trouble I took +with that chills manners shes no more notion how to behave herself than +a pig. Youll have to wear General Sandstones uniform: its the ony one in +the place, because he wont lend it to the shows. + +MITCHENER. But Sandstones clothes wont fit me. + +MRS. FARRELL (unmoved). Then youll have to fit THEM. Why shouldnt they +fitcha as well as they fitted General Blake at the Mansion House? + +MITCHENER. They didnt fit him. He looked a frightful guy. + +MRS. FARRELL. Well, you must do the best you can with them. You cant +exhibit your clothes and wear them too. + +MITCHENER. And the public thinks the lot of a commanding officer a happy +one! Oh, if they could only see the seamy side of it. (He returns to his +table to resume work.) + +MRS. FARRELL. If they could only see the seamy side of General +Sandstones uniform, where his flask rubs agen the buckle of his braces, +theyll tell him he ought to get a new one. Let alone the way he swears +at me. + +MITCHENER. When a man has risked his life on eight battlefields, Mrs. +Farrell, he has given sufficient proof of his self-control to be excused +a little strong language. + +MRS. FARRELL. Would you put up with bad language from me because Ive +risked my life eight times in childbed? + +MITCHENER. My dear Mrs. Farrell, you surely would not compare a risk of +that harmless domestic kind to the fearful risks of the battlefield? + +MRS. FARRELL. I wouldnt compare risks run to bear living people into the +world to risks run to blow them out of it. A mother's risk is jooty: a +soldier's nothin but divilmint. + +MITCHENER (nettled). Let me tell you, Mrs. Farrell, that if the men did +not fight, the women would have to fight themselves. We spare you that, +at all events. + +MRS. FARRELL. You cant help yourselves. If three-quarters of you was +killed we could replace you with the help of the other quarter. If +three-quarters of us was killed, how many people would there be in +England in another generation? If it wasnt for that, the man d put the +fightin on us just as they put all the other dhrudgery. What would YOU +do if we was all kilt? Would you go to bed and have twins? + +MITCHENER. Really, Mrs. Farrell, you must discuss these questions with a +medical man. You make me blush, positively. + +MRS. FARRELL. A good job too. If I could have made Farrell blush I +wouldnt have had to risk me life too often. You n your risks n your +bravery n your selfcontrol indeed! "Why don't you conthrol yourself?" I +sez to Farrell. "Its agen me religion," he sez. + +MITCHENER (plaintively). Mrs. Farrell, youre a woman of very powerful +mind. Im not qualified to argue these delicate matters with you. I ask +you to spare me, and to be good enough to take these clothes to Mr. +Balsquith when the ladies leave. + +The Orderly comes in. + +THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe and Mrs. Banger wish to see you, +sir. Mr. Balsquith told me to tell you. + +MRS. FARRELL. Theyve come about the vote. I dont know whether its them +that want it or them that doesnt want it: anyhow, they're all alike +when they get into a state about it. (She goes out, having gathered +Balsquith's suffraget disguise from the desk.) + +MITCHENER. Is Mr. Balsquith not with them? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. Couldnt stand Mrs. Banger, I expect. Fair caution +she is. (He chuckles.) Couldnt help larfin when I sor im op it. + +MITCHENER. How dare you indulge in this unseemly mirth in the presence +of your commanding officer? Have you no sense of a soldier's duty? + +THE ORDERLY (sadly). Im afraid I shant ever get the ang of it, sir. You +see my father has a tidy little barbers business down off Shoreditch; +and I was brought up to be chatty and easy like with everybody. I tell +you, when I drew the number in the conscription it gave my old mother +the needle and it gev me the ump. I should take it very kind, sir, if +youd let me off the drill and let me shave you instead. Youd appreciate +my qualities then: you would indeed sir. I shant never do myself justice +at soljering, sir: I cant bring myself to think of it as proper work +for a man with an active mind, as you might say, sir. Arf of its only +ousemaidin; and the other arf is dress-up and make-believe. + +MITCHENER. Stuff, Sir. Its the easiest life in the world. Once you +learn your drill all you have to do is to hold your tongue and obey your +orders. + +THE ORDERLY. But I do assure you, sir, arf the time they're the wrong +orders; and I get into trouble when I obey them. The sergeants orders is +all right; but the officers dont know what theyre talkin about. Why the +orses knows better sometimes. "Fours" says Lieutenant Trevor at the +gate of Bucknam Palace only this morning when we was on duty for a State +visit to the Coal Trust. I was fourth man like in the first file; +and when I started the orse eld back; and the sergeant was on to me +straight. Threes, you bally fool, he whispers. And he was on to me again +about it when we came back, and called me a fathead, he did. What am I +to do, I says: the lieutenant's orders was fours, I says. Ill show you +whos lieutenant here, e says. In future you attend to my orders and not +to iz, e says: what does he know about it? You didnt give me any orders, +I says. Couldnt you see for yourself there wasnt room for fours, e says: +why cant you THINK? General Mitchener tells me Im not to think but to +obey orders, I says. Is Mitchener your sergeant or am I, e says in his +bullyin way. You are, I says. Well, he says, youve got to do what your +sergeant tells you: thats discipline, he says. What am I to do for the +General I says. Youre to let im talk, e says: thats what es for. + +MITCHENER (groaning). It is impossible for the human mind to conceive +anything more dreadful than this. Youre a disgrace to the service. + +THE ORDERLY (deeply wounded). The service is a disgrace to me. When my +mother's people pass me in the street with this uniform on, I ardly know +which way to look. There never was a soldier in my family before. + +MITCHENER. There never was anything else in mine, sir. + +THE ORDERLY. My mother's second cousin was one of the Parkinsons of +Stepney. (Almost in tears.) What do you know of the feelings of a +respectable family in the middle station of life? I cant bear to be +looked down on as a common soldier. Why cant my father be let buy +my discharge? Youve done away with the soldier's right to have his +discharge bought for him by his relations. The country didnt know you +were going to do that or it would never have stood it. Is an Englishman +to be made a mockery like this? + +MITCHENER. Silence. Attention. Right about face. March. + +THE ORDERLY (retiring to the standing desk and bedewing it with +passionate tears). Oh that I should have lived to be spoke to as if I +was the lowest of the low. Me! that has shaved a City of London aldermen +wiv me own hand. + +MITCHENER. Poltroon. Crybaby. Well, better disgrace yourself here than +disgrace your country on the field of battle. + +THE ORDERLY (angrily coming to the table). Whos going to disgrace +his country on the field of battle? Its not fightin I object to: its +soljerin. Show me a German and Ill have a go at him as fast as you or +any man. But to ave me time wasted like this, an be stuck in a sentry +box at a street corner for an ornament to be stared at; and to be told +"right about face: march" if I speak as one man to another: that aint +pluck: that aint fightin: that aint patriotism: its bein made a bloomin +sheep of. + +MITCHENER. A sheep has many valuable military qualities. Emulate them: +dont disparage them. + +THE ORDERLY. Oh, wots the good of talkin to you? If I wasnt a poor +soldier I could punch your head for forty shillins for a month. But +because youre my commanding officer you deprive me of my right to a +magistrate and make a compliment of giving me two years ard sted of +shootin me. Why cant you take your chance the same as any civilian does? + +MITCHENER (rising majestically). I search the pages of history in vain +for a parallel to such a speech made by a Private to a general. But for +the coherence of your remarks I should conclude that you were drunk. +As it is, you must be mad. You shall be placed under restraint at once. +Call the guard. + +THE ORDERLY. Call your grandmother. If you take one man off the doors +the place'll be full of Suffragets before you can wink. + +MITCHENER. Then arrest yourself; and off with you to the guardroom. + +THE ORDERLY. What am I to arrest myself for? + +MITCHENER. Thats nothing to you. You have your orders: obey them. Do you +hear? Right about face. March. + +THE ORDERLY. How would you feel yourself if you was told to +right-about-face and march as if you was a doormat? + +MITCHENER. I should feel as if my country had spoken through the voice +of my officer. I should feel proud and honored to be able to serve +my country by obeying its commands. No thought of self--no vulgar +preoccupation with my own petty vanity could touch my mind at such a +moment. To me my officer would not be a mere man: he would be for the +moment--whatever his personal frailties--the incarnation of our national +destiny. + +THE ORDERLY. What Im saying to you is the voice of old England a jolly +sight more than all this rot that you get out of books. Id rather be +spoke to by a sergeant than by you. He tells me to go to hell when +I challenges him to argue it out like a man. It aint polite; but its +English. What you say aint anything at all. You dont act on it yourself. +You dont believe in it. Youd punch my head if I tried it on you; and +serve me right. And look here. Heres another point for you to argue. + +MITCHENER (with a shriek of protest). No-- + +Mrs. Banger comes in, followed by Lady Corinthia Fanshawe. + +Mrs. Banger is a masculine woman of forty, with a powerful voice and +great physical strength. Lady Corinthia, who is also over thirty, is +beautiful and romantic. + +MRS. BANGER (throwing the door open decisively and marching straight to +Michener). Pray how much longer is the Anti-Suffrage League to be kept +waiting? (She passes him contemptuously and sits down with impressive +confidence in the chair next the fireplace. Lady Corinthia takes the +chair on the opposite side of the table with equal aplomb.) + +MITCHENER. Im extremely sorry. You really do not know what I have to put +with. This imbecile, incompetent, unsoldierly disgrace to the uniform +he should never have been allowed to put on, ought to have shown you in +fifteen minutes ago. + +THE ORDERLY. All I said was-- + +MITCHENER. Not another word. Attention. Right about face. March. (The +Orderly sits down doggedly.) Get out of the room this instant, you fool, +or Ill kick you out. + +THE ORDERLY (civilly). I dont mind that, sir. Its human. Its English. +Why couldnt you have said it before? (He goes out). + +MITCHENER. Take no notice I beg: these scenes are of daily occurrence +now that we have compulsory service under the command of the halfpenny +papers. Pray sit down. + +LADY CORINTHIA AND MRS. BANGER (rising). Thank you. (They sit down +again.) + +MITCHENER (sitting down with a slight chuckle of satisfaction). And now, +ladies, to what am I indebted? + +MRS. BANGER. Let me introduce us. I am Rosa Carmina Banger--Mrs. +Banger, organizing secretary of the Anti-Suffraget League. This is +Lady Corinthia Fanshawe, the president of the League, known in musical +circles--I am not myself musical--as the Richmond Park nightingale. A +soprano. I am myself said to be almost a baritone; but I do not profess +to understand these dis-tinctions. + +MITCHENER (murmuring politely). Most happy, Im sure. + +MRS. BANGER. We have come to tell you plainly that the Anti-Suffragets +are going to fight. + +MITCHENER (gallantly). Oh, pray leave that to the men, Mrs. Banger. + +LADY CORINTHIA. We can no longer trust the men. + +MRS. BANGER. They have shown neither the strength, the courage, nor the +determination which are needed to combat women like the Suffragets. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Nature is too strong for the combatants. + +MRS. BANGER. Physical struggles between persons of opposite sexes are +unseemly. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Demoralizing. + +MRS. BANGER. Insincere. + +LADY CORINTHIA. They are merely embraces in disguise. + +MRS. BANGER. No such suspicion can attach to combats in which the +antagonists are of the same sex. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The Anti-Suffragets have resolved to take the field. + +MRS. BANGER. They will enforce the order of General Sandstone for the +removal of all women from the two mile radius--that is, all women except +themselves. + +MITCHENER. I am sorry to have to inform you, Madam, that the Government +has given up that project, and that General Sandstone has resigned in +consequence. + +MRS. BANGER. That does not concern us in the least. We approve of the +project and will see that it is carried out. We have spent a good deal +of money arming ourselves; and we are not going to have that money +thrown away through the pusillanimity of a Cabinet of males. + +MITCHENER. Arming yourselves! But, my dear ladies, under the latest +proclamation women are strictly forbidden to carry chains, padlocks, +tracts on the franchise, or weapons of any description. + +LADY CORINTHIA (producing an ivory-handled revolver and pointing it at +his nose). You little know your countrywomen, General Mitchener. + +MITCHENER (without flinching). Madam: it is my duty to take possession +of that weapon in accordance with the proclamation. Be good enough to +put it down. + +MRS. BANGER (producing an XVIII century horse pistol). Is it your duty +to take possession of this also? + +MITCHENER. That, madam, is not a weapon; it is a curiosity. If you would +be kind enough to place it in some museum instead of pointing it at my +head, I should be obliged to you. + +MRS. BANGER. This pistol, sir, was carried at Waterloo by my +grandmother. + +MITCHENER. I presume you mean your grandfather. + +MRS. BANGER. You presume unwarrantably. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Mrs. Banger's grandmother commanded a canteen at that +celebrated battle. + +MRS. BANGER. Who my grandfather was is a point that has never been quite +clearly settled. I put my trust not in my ancestors, but in my good +sword, which is at my lodgings. + +MITCHENER. Your sword! + +MRS. BANGER. The sword with which I slew five Egyptians with my own hand +at Kassassin, where I served as a trooper. + +MITCHENER. Lord bless me! But was your sex never discovered? + +MRS. BANGER. It was never even suspected. I had a comrade--a gentleman +ranker--whom they called Fanny. They never called ME Fanny. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The suffragets have turned the whole woman movement on +to the wrong track. They ask for a vote. + +MRS. BANGER. What use is a vote? Men have the vote. + +LADY CORINTHIA. And men are slaves. + +MRS. BANGER. What women need is the right to military service. Give me a +well-mounted regiment of women with sabres, opposed to a regiment of men +with votes. We shall see which will go down before the other. (rises) +No: we have had enough of these gentle pretty creatures who merely talk +and cross-examine ministers in police courts, and go to prison like +sheep, and suffer and sacrifice themselves. This question must be solved +by blood and iron, as was well said by Bismarck, whom I have reason to +believe was a woman in disguise. + +MITCHENER. Bismarck a woman? + +MRS. BANGER. All the really strong men of history have been disguised +women. + +MITCHENER (remonstrating). My dear lady! + +MRS. BANGER. How can you tell? You never knew that the hero of the +charge at Kassassin was a woman: yet she was: it was I, Rosa Carmina +Banger. Would Napoleon have been so brutal to women, think you, had he +been a man? + +MITCHENER. Oh, come, come! Really! Surely female rulers have often shown +all the feminine weaknesses. Queen Elizabeth, for instance. Her vanity, +her levity. + +MRS. BANGER. Nobody who has studied the history of Queen Elizabeth can +doubt for a moment that she was a disguised man. + +LADY CORINTHIA (admiring Mrs. Banger). Isnt she splendid? + +MRS. BANGER (rising with a large gesture). This very afternoon I shall +cast off this hampering skirt for ever; mount my charger; and with my +good sabre lead the Anti-Suffragets to victory. (She strides to the +other side of the room, snorting.) + +MITCHENER. But I cant allow anything of the sort, madam. I shall stand +no such ridiculous nonsense. Im perfectly determined to put my foot +down. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Dont be hysterical, General. + +MITCHENER. Hysterical! + +MRS. BANGER. Do you think we are to be stopped by these childish +exhibitions of temper. They are useless; and your tears and +entreaties--a man's last resource--will avail you just as little. +I sweep them away, just as I sweep your plans of campaign "made in +Germany--" + +MITCHENER (flying into a transport of rage). How dare you repeat +that infamous slander? (He rings the bell violently.) If this is the +alternative to votes for women, I shall advocate giving every woman in +the country six votes. + +The Orderly comes in. + +Remove that woman. See that she leaves the building at once. + +The Orderly forlornly contemplates the iron front presented by Mrs. +Banger. + +THE ORDERLY (propitiatorily). Would you av the feelin art to step out, +madam. + +MRS. BANGER. You are a soldier. Obey your orders. Put me out. If I got +such an order, I should not hesitate. + +THE ORDERLY (To Mitchener). Would you mind lendin me a and, Guvner? + +LADY CORINTHIA (raising her revolver). I shall be obliged to shoot you +if you stir, General. + +MRS. BANGER (To the Orderly). When you are ordered to put a person out +you should do it like this. (She hurls him from the room. He is heard +falling headlong downstairs and crashing through a glass door.) I shall +now wait on General Sandstone. If he shows any sign of weakness, he +shall share that poor wretch's fate. (She goes out.) + +LADY CORINTHIA. Isnt she magnificent? + +MITCHENER. Thank heaven shes gone. And now, my dear lady, is it +necessary to keep that loaded pistol to my nose all through our +conversation? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Its not loaded. Its heavy enough, goodness knows, +without putting bullets in it. + +MITCHENER (triumphantly snatching his revolver from the drawer). Then I +am master of the situation. This IS loaded. Ha, ha! + +LADY CORINTHIA. But since we are not really going to shoot one another, +what difference can it possibly make? + +MITCHENER (putting his pistol down on the table). True. Quite true. I +recognize there the practical good sense that has prevented you from +falling into the snares of the Suffragets. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The Suffragets, General, are the dupes of dowdies. A +really attractive and clever woman-- + +MITCHENER (gallantly). Yourself, for instance. + +LADY CORINTHIA (snatching up his revolver). Another step and you are a +dead man. + +MITCHENER (amazed). My dear lady! + +LADY CORINTHIA. I am not your dear lady. You are not the first man who +has concluded that because I am devoted to music and can reach F flat +with the greatest facility--Patti never got above E flat--I am marked +out as the prey of every libertine. You think I am like the thousands of +weak women whom you have ruined-- + +MITCHENER. I solemnly protest-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Oh, I know what you officers are. To you a woman's honor +is nothing, and the idle pleasure of the moment is everything. + +MITCHENER. This is perfectly ridiculous. I never ruined anyone in my +life. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Never! Are you in earnest? + +MITCHENER. Certainly I am in earnest. Most indignantly in earnest. + +LADY CORINTHIA (throwing down the pistol contemptuously). Then you have +no temperament; you are not an artist. You have no soul for music. + +MITCHENER. Ive subscribed to the regimental band all my life. I bought +two sarrusophones for it out of my own pocket. When I sang Tosti's +Goodbye for Ever at Knightsbridge in 1880, the whole regiment wept. You +are too young to remember that. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Your advances are useless. I-- + +MITCHENER. Confound it, madam, can you not receive an innocent +compliment without suspecting me of dishonorable intentions? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Love--real love--makes all intentions honorable. But YOU +could never understand that. + +MITCHENER. Ill not submit to the vulgar penny-novelette notion that an +officer is less honorable than a civilian in his relations with women. +While I live Ill raise my voice-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Tush! + +MITCHENER. What do you mean by tush? + +LADY CORINTHIA. You cant raise your voice above its natural compass. +What sort of voice have you? + +MITCHENER. A tenor. What sort had you? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Had? I have it still. I tell you I am the highest living +soprano. (Scornfully.) What was your highest note, pray? + +MITCHENER. B flat--once--in 1879. I was drunk at the time. + +LADY CORINTHIA (gazing at him almost tenderly). Though you may not +believe me, I find you are more interesting when you talk about music +than when you are endeavoring to betray a woman who has trusted you by +remaining alone with you in your apartment. + +MITCHENER (springing up and fuming away to the fireplace). These +repeated insults to a man of blameless life are as disgraceful to you +as they are undeserved by me, Lady Corinthia. Such suspicions invite the +conduct they impute. (She raises the pistol.) You need not be alarmed: I +am only going to leave the room. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Fish. + +MITCHENER. Fish! This is worse than tush. Why fish? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Yes, fish: coldblooded fish. + +MITCHENER. Dash it all, madam, do you WANT me to make advances to you? + +LADY CORINTHIA. I have not the slightest intention of yielding to them; +but to make them would be a tribute to romance. What is life without +romance? + +MITCHENER (making a movement toward her). I tell you-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Stop. No nearer. No vulgar sensuousness. If you must +adore, adore at a distance. + +MITCHENER. This is worse than Mrs. Banger. I shall ask that estimable +woman to come back. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Poor Mrs. Banger! Do not for a moment suppose, General +Mitchener, that Mrs. Banger represents my views on the suffrage +question. Mrs. Banger is a man in petticoats. I am every inch a woman; +but I find it convenient to work with her. + +MITCHENER. Do you find the combination comfortable? + +LADY CORINTHIA. I do not wear combinations, General: (with dignity) they +are unwomanly. + +MITCHENER (throwing himself despairingly into the chair next the +hearthrug). I shall go mad. I never for a moment dreamt of alluding to +anything of the sort. + +LADY CORINTHIA. There is no need to blush and become self-conscious at +the mention of underclothing. You are extremely vulgar, General. + +MITCHENER. Lady Corinthia: you have my pistol. Will you have the +goodness to blow my brains out. I should prefer it to any further effort +to follow the gyrations of the weathercock you no doubt call your mind. +If you refuse, then I warn you that youll not get another word out of +me--not if we sit here until doomsday. + +LADY CORINTHIA. I dont want you to talk. I want you to listen. You do +not yet understand my views on the question of the Suffrage. (She rises +to make a speech.) I must preface my remarks by reminding you that the +Suffraget movement is essentially a dowdy movement. The suffragets are +not all dowdies; but they are mainly supported by dowdies. Now I am not +a dowdy. Oh, no compliments-- + +MITCHENER. I did not utter a sound. + +LADY CORINTHIA (smiling). It is easy to read your thoughts. I am one +of those women who are accustomed to rule the world through men. Man is +ruled by beauty, by charm. The men who are not have no influence. The +Salic Law, which forbade women to occupy a throne, is founded on the +fact that when a woman is on the throne the country is ruled by men, and +therefore ruled badly; whereas when a man is on the throne, the country +is ruled by women, and therefore ruled well. The suffragets would +degrade women from being rulers to being voters, mere politicians, +the drudges of the caucus and the polling booth. We should lose our +influence completely under such a state of affairs. The New Zealand +women have the vote. What is the result? No poet ever makes a New +Zealand woman his heroine. One might as well be romantic about New +Zealand mutton. Look at the suffragets themselves. The only ones who are +popular are the pretty ones, who flirt with mobs as ordinary women flirt +with officers. + +MITCHENER. Then I understand you to hold that the country should be +governed by the women after all. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Not by all the women. By certain women. I had almost +said by one woman. By the women who have charm--who have artistic +talent--who wield a legitimate, a refining influence over the men. +(She sits down gracefully, smiling, and arranging her draperies with +conscious elegance.) + +MITCHENER. In short, madam, you think that if you give the vote to the +man, you give the power to the women who can get round the man. + +LADY CORINTHIA. That is not a very delicate way of putting it; but I +suppose that is how you would express what I mean. + +MITCHENER. Perhaps youve never had any experience of garrison life. +If you had, you'd have noticed that the sort of woman who is clever at +getting round men is sometimes rather a bad lot. + +LADY CORINTHIA. What do you mean by a bad lot? + +MITCHENER. I mean a woman who would play the very devil if the +other women didnt keep her in pretty strict order. I dont approve of +democracy, because its rot; and Im against giving the vote to women +because Im not accustomed to it and therefore am able to see with an +unprejudiced eye what infernal nonsense it is. But I tell you plainly, +Lady Corinthia, that there is one game that I dislike more than either +Democracy or Votes For Women: and that is the game of Antony and +Cleopatra. If I must be ruled by women, let me have decent women and +not--well, not the other sort. + +LADY CORINTHIA. You have a coarse mind, General Mitchener. + +MITCHENER. So has Mrs. Banger. And by George! I prefer Mrs. Banger to +you! + +LADY CORINTHIA (bounding to her feet.) You prefer Mrs. Banger to me!!! + +MITCHENER. I do. You said yourself she was splendid. + +LADY CORINTHIA. You are no true man. You are one of those unsexed +creatures who have no joy in life, no sense of beauty, no high notes. + +MITCHENER. No doubt I am, Madam. As a matter of fact, I am not clever at +discussing public questions, because, as an English gentleman, I was not +brought up to use my brains. But occasionally, after a number of remarks +which are perhaps sometimes rather idiotic, I get certain convictions. +Thanks to you, I have now got a conviction that this woman question is +not a question of lovely and accomplished females, but of dowdies. The +average Englishwoman is a dowdy and never has half a chance of becoming +anything else. She hasnt any charm; and she has no high notes except +when shes giving her husband a piece of her mind, or calling down the +street for one of the children. + +LADY CORINTHIA. How disgusting! + +MITCHENER. Somebody must do the dowdy work! If we had to choose between +pitching all the dowdies into the Thames and pitching all the lovely and +accomplished women, the lovely ones would have to go. + +LADY CORINTHIA. And if you had to do without Wagner's music or do +without your breakfast, you would do without Wagner. Pray does that make +eggs and bacon more precious than music, or the butcher and baker better +than the poet and philosopher? The scullery may be more necessary to our +bare existence than the cathedral. Even humbler apartments might make +the same claim. But which is the more essential to the higher life? + +MITCHENER. Your arguments are so devilishly ingenious that I feel +convinced you got them out of some confounded book. Mine--such as they +are--are my own. I imagine its something like this. There is an old +saying that if you take care of the pence, the pounds will take care +of themselves. Well, perhaps if we take care of the dowdies and the +butchers and the bakers, the beauties and the bigwigs will take care of +themselves. (Rising and facing her determinedly.) Anyhow, I dont want to +have things arranged for me by Wagner. Im not Wagner. How does he know +where the shoe pinches me? How do you know where the shoe pinches your +washerwoman?--you and your high F in alt. How are you to know when you +havent made her comfortable unless she has a vote? Do you want her to +come and break your windows? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Am I to understand that General Mitchener is a democrat +and a suffraget? + +MITCHENER. Yes: you have converted me--you and Mrs. Banger. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Farewell, creature. (Balsquith enters hurriedly.) Mr. +Balsquith: I am going to wait on General Sandstone. He at least is an +officer and a gentleman. (She sails out.) + +BALSQUITH. Mitchener: the game is up. + +MITCHENER. What do you mean? + +BALSQUITH. The strain is too much for the Cabinet. The old Liberal +and Unionist Free Traders declare that if they are defeated on their +resolution to invite tenders from private contractors for carrying on +the Army and Navy, they will go solid for votes for women as the only +means of restoring the liberties of the country which we have destroyed +by compulsory military service. + +MITCHENER. Infernal impudence? + +BALSQUITH. The Labor party is taking the same line. They say the men got +the Factory Acts by hiding behind the women's petticoats, and that they +will get votes for the army in the same way. + +MITCHENER. Balsquith: we must not yield to clamor. I have just told this +lady that I am at last convinced-- + +BALSQUITH (joyfully). That the suffragets must be supported. + +MITCHENER. No: that the anti-suffragets must be put down at all hazards. + +BALSQUITH. Same thing. + +MITCHENER. No. For you now tell me that the Labor Party demands votes +for women. That makes it impossible to give them, because it would be +yielding to clamor. The one condition on which we can consent to grant +anything in this country is that nobody shall presume to want it. + +BALSQUITH (earnestly). Mitchener: its no use. You cant have the +conveniences of Democracy without its occasional inconveniences. + +MITCHENER. What are its conveniences, I should like to know? + +BALSQUITH. When you tell people that they are the real rulers and they +can do what they like, nine times out of ten, they say, "All right, tell +us what to do." But it happens sometimes that they get an idea of their +own; and then of course youre landed. + +MITCHENER. Sh-- + +BALSQUITH (desperately shouting him down). No: its no use telling me to +shoot them down: Im not going to do it. After all, I dont suppose votes +for women will make much difference. It hasnt in the other countries in +which it has been tried. + +MITCHENER. I never supposed it would make much difference. What I cant +stand is giving in to that Pankhurst lot. Hang it all, Balsquith, it +seems only yesterday that we put them in quod for a month. I said at the +time that it ought to have been ten years. If my advice had been taken +this wouldnt have happened. Its a consolation to me that events are +proving how thoroughly right I was. + +The Orderly rushes in. + +THE ORDERLY. Look ere, sir: Mrs. Banger locked the door of General +Sandstone's room on the inside; and shes sitting on his ead until he +signs a proclamation for women to serve in the army. + +MITCHENER. Put your shoulder to the door and burst it open. + +THE ORDERLY. Its only in story books that doors burst open as easy as +that. Besides, Im only too thankful to have a locked door between me and +Mrs. B.; and so is all the rest of us. + +MITCHENER. Cowards. Balsquith: to the rescue! (He dashes out.) + +BALSQUITH (ambling calmly to the hearth). This is the business of the +Sergeant at Arms rather than of the leader of the House. Theres no use +in my tackling Mrs. Banger: she would only sit on my head too. + +THE ORDERLY. You take my tip, Mr. Balsquith. Give the women the vote and +give the army civil rights; and av done with it. + +Mitchener returns. + +MITCHENER. Balsquith: prepare to hear the worst. + +BALSQUITH. Sandstone is no more? + +MITCHENER. On the contrary, he is particularly lively. He has softened +Mrs. Banger by a proposal of marriage in which he appears to be +perfectly in earnest. He says he has met his ideal at last, a really +soldierly woman. She will sit on his head for the rest of his life; and +the British Army is now to all intents and purposes commanded by Mrs. +Banger. When I remonstrated with Sandstone she positively shouted +"Right-about-face. March" at me in the most offensive tone. If she hadnt +been a woman I should have punched her head. I precious nearly punched +Sandstone's. The horrors of martial law administered by Mrs. Banger are +too terrible to be faced. I demand civil rights for the army. + +THE ORDERLY (chuckling). Wot oh, General! Wot oh! + +MITCHENER. Hold your tongue. (He goes to the door and calls.) Mrs. +Farrell! (Returning, and again addressing the Orderly.) Civil rights +don't mean the right to be uncivil. (Pleased with his own wit.) Almost a +pun. Ha ha! + +MRS. FARRELL. Whats the matther now? (She comes to the table.) + +MITCHENER (to the Orderly). I have private business with Mrs. Farrell. +Outside, you infernal blackguard. + +THE ORDERLY (arguing, as usual). Well, I didnt ask to--(Mitchener seizes +him by the nape; rushes him out; and slams the door). + +MITCHENER. Excuse the abruptness of this communication, Mrs. Farrell; +but I know only one woman in the country whose practical ability and +force of character can maintain her husband in competition with the +husband of Mrs. Banger. I have the honor to propose for your hand. + +MRS. FARRELL. Dye mean you want to marry me? + +MITCHENER. I do. + +MRS. FARRELL. No thank you. Id have to work for you just the same; only +I shouldnt get any wages for it. + +BALSQUITH. That will be remedied when women get the vote. Ive had to +promise that. + +MITCHENER (winningly). Mrs. Farrell: you have been charwoman here now +ever since I took up my duties. Have you really never, in your more +romantic moments, cast a favorable eye on my person? + +MRS. FARRELL. Ive been too busy casting an unfavorable eye on your cloze +and on the litther you make with your papers. + +MITCHENER (wounded). Am I to understand that you refuse me? + +MRS. FARRELL. Just wait a bit. (She takes Mitchener's chair and rings up +the telephone.) Double three oh seven Elephant. + +MITCHENER. I trust youre not ringing for the police, Mrs. Farrell. I +assure you Im perfectly sane. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for +the answer.) Not out of bed yet! Go and pull her out by the heels, +the lazy sthreel; and tell her her mother wants to speak to her very +particularly about General Mitchener. (To Mitchener.) Dont you be +afeard: I know youre sane enough when youre not talkin about the +Germans. (Into the telephone.) Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for the +answer.) Dye remember me givin you a clout on the side of the head for +tellin me that if I only knew how to play me cards I could marry any +general on the staff instead o disgracin you be bein a charwoman? (She +listens for the answer.) Well, I can have General Mitchener without +playing any cards at all. What dye think I ought to say? (She listens.) +Well, Im no chicken myself. (To Mitchener.) How old are you? + +MITCHENER (with an effort). Fifty-two. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). He says hes fifty-two. (She listens; +then, to Mitchener.) She says youre down in Who's Who as sixty-one. + +MITCHENER. Damn Who's Who. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Anyhow I wouldnt let that stand in +the way. (She listens.) If I really WHAT? (She listens.)I cant hear you. +If I really WHAT? (She listens.) WHO druv him? I never said a word +to-- Eh? (She listens.) Oh, LOVE him. Arra dont be a fool, child. (To +Mitchener.) She wants to know do I really love you.(Into the telephone.) +Its likely indeed Id frighten the man off with any such nonsense, at my +age. What? (She listens.) Well, thats just what I was thinkin. + +MITCHENER. May I ask what you were thinking, Mrs. Farrell? This suspense +is awful. + +MRS. FARRELL. I was thinkin that perhaps the Duchess might like her +daughter-in-law's mother to be a General's lady betther than to be a +charwoman. (Into the telephone.) Waitle youre married yourself, me fine +lady: you'll find out that every woman is a charwoman from the day shes +married. (She listens.) Then you think I might take him? (She listens.) +Glang, you young scald: if I had you here Id teach you manners. (She +listens.) Thats enough now. Back wid you to bed; and be thankful Im not +there to put me slipper across you. (She rings off.) The impudence! +(To Mitchener.) Bless you, me childher, may you be happy, she says. (To +Balsquith, going to his side of the room.) Give dear, old Mich me love, +she says. + +The Orderly opens the door, ushering in Lady Corinthia. + +THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe to speak to you, sir. + +LADY CORINTHIA. General Mitchener: your designs on Mrs. Banger are +defeated. She is engaged to General Sandstone. Do you still prefer her +to me? + +MRS. FARRELL. Hes out o the hunt. Hes engaged to me. + +The Orderly overcome by this news reels from the door to the standing +desk, and clutches the stool to save himself from collapsing. + +MITCHENER. And extremely proud of it, Lady Corinthia. + +LADY CORINTHIA (contemptuously). She suits you exactly. (Coming to +Balsquith.) Mr. Balsquith: you at least, are not a Philistine. + +BALSQUITH. No, Lady Corinthia; but Im a confirmed bachelor. I don't want +a wife; but I want an Egeria. + +MRS. FARRELL. More shame for you. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Silence, woman. The position and functions of a wife may +suit your gross nature. An Egeria is exactly what I desire to be. (To +Balsquith.) Can you play accompaniments? + +BALSQUITH. Melodies only, I regret to say. With one finger. But my +brother, who is a very obliging fellow, and not unlike me personally, is +acquainted with three chords, with which he manages to accompany most of +the comic songs of the day. + +LADY CORINTHIA. I do not sing comic songs. Neither will you when I am +your Egeria. Come. I give a musical at-home this afternoon. I will allow +you to sit at my feet. + +BALSQUITH. That is my ideal of romantic happiness. It commits me exactly +as far as I desire to venture. Thank you. + +THE ORDERLY. Wot price me, General? Wont you celebrate your engagement +by doing something for me? Maynt I be promoted to be a sergeant. + +MITCHENER. Youre too utterly incompetent to discharge the duties of a +sergeant. You are only fit to be a lieutenant. I shall recommend you for +a commission. + +THE ORDERLY. Hooray! The Parkinsons of Stepney will be proud to have +me call on them now. Ill go and tell the sergeant what I think of him. +Hooray! (He rushes out.) + +MRS. FARRELL (going to the door and calling after him.) You might have +the manners to shut the door idther you. (She shuts it and comes between +Mitchener and Lady Corinthia.) + +MITCHENER. Poor wretch; the day after civil rights are conceded to the +army he and Chubbs-Jenkinson will be found incapable of maintaining +discipline. They will be sacked and replaced by really capable men. Mrs. +Farrell: as we are engaged, and I am anxious to do the correct thing in +every way, I am quite willing to kiss you if you wish it. + +MRS. FARRELL. Youd only feel like a fool; and so would I. + +MITCHENER. You are really the most sensible woman. Ive made an extremely +wise choice. + +LADY CORINTHIA (To Balsquith). You may kiss my hand, if you wish. + +BALSQUITH (cautiously). I think we had better not commit ourselves too +far. If I might carry your parasol, that would quite satisfy me. Let us +change a subject which threatens to become embarrassing. (To Mitchener.) +The moral of the occasion for you, Mitchener, appears to be that youve +got to give up treating soldiers as if they were schoolboys. + +MITCHENER. The moral for you, Balsquith, is that youve got to give up +treating women as if they were angels. Ha ha! + +MRS. FARRELL. Its a mercy youve found one another out at last. That's +enough now. + +CURTAIN + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Press Cuttings, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRESS CUTTINGS *** + +***** This file should be named 5723.txt or 5723.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/5/7/2/5723/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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The play has been reproduced exactly as printed. + + + +PRESS CUTTINGS + +Bernard Shaw + +1913 + +The forenoon of the first of April, 1911. + +General Mitchener is at his writing table in the War Office, +opening letters. On his left is the fireplace, with a fire +burning. On his right, against the opposite wall is a standing +desk with an office stool. The door is in the wall behind him, +half way between the table and the desk. The table is not quite +in the middle of the room: it is nearer to the hearthrug than to +the desk. There is a chair at each end of it for persons having +business with the general. There is a telephone on the table. +Long silence. + +A VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + +The General starts convulsively; snatches a revolver from a +drawer, and listens in an agony of apprehension. Nothing happens. +He puts the revolver back, ashamed; wipes his brow; and resumes +his work. He is startled afresh by the entry of an Orderly. This +Orderly is an unsoldierly, slovenly, discontented young man. + +MITCHENER. Oh, it's only you. Well? + +THE ORDERLY. Another one, sir. Shes chained herself. + +MITCHENER. Chained herself? How? To what? Weve taken away the +railings and everything that a chain can be passed through. + +THE ORDERLY. We forgot the doorscraper, sir. She laid down on the +flags and got the chain through before she started hollerin. Shes +lying there now; and she says that youve got the key of the +padlock in a letter in a buff envelope, and that you will see her +when you open it. + +MITCHENER. Shes mad. Have the scraper dug up and let her go home +with it hanging round her neck. + +THE ORDERLY. Theres a buff envelope there, sir. + +MITCHENER. Youre all afraid of these women (picking the letter +up). It does seem to have a key in it. (He opens the letter, and +takes out a key and a note.) "Dear Mitch"--Well, I'm dashed! + +THE ORDERLY. Yes Sir. + +MITCHENER. What do you mean by Yes Sir? + +THE ORDERLY. Well, you said you was dashed, Sir; and you did look +if youll excuse my saying it, Sir--well, you looked it. + +MITCHENER (who has been reading the letter, and is too astonished +to attend to the Orderlys reply). This is a letter from the Prime +Minister asking me to release the woman with this key if she +padlocks herself, and to have her shown up and see her at once. + +THE ORDERLY (tremulously). Dont do it, governor. + +MITCHENER (angrily). How often have I ordered you not to address +me as governor. Remember that you are a soldier and not a vulgar +civilian. Remember also that when a man enters the army he leaves +fear behind him. Heres the key. Unlock her and show her up. + +THE ORDERLY. Me unlock her! I dursent. Lord knows what she'd do +to me. + +MITCHENER (pepperily, rising). Obey your orders instantly, Sir, +and dont presume to argue. Even if she kills you, it is your duty +to die for your country. Right about face. March. (The Orderly +goes out, trembling.) + +THE VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for +Women! + +MITCHENER (mimicking her). Votes for Women! Votes for Women! +Votes for Women! (in his natural voice) Votes for children! Votes +for babies! Votes for monkeys! (He posts himself on the +hearthrug, and awaits the enemy.) + +THE ORDERLY (outside). In you go. (He pushes a panting Suffraget +into the room.) The person sir. (He withdraws.) + +The Suffraget takes off her tailor made skirt and reveals a pair +of fashionable trousers. + +MITCHENER (horrified). Stop, madam. What are you doing? You must +not undress in my presence. I protest. Not even your letter from +the Prime Minister-- + +THE SUFFRAGET. My dear Mitchener: I AM the Prime Minister. (He +tears off his hat and cloak; throws them on the desk; and +confronts the General in the ordinary costume of a Cabinet +minister.) + +MITCHENER. Good heavens! Balsquith! + +BALSQUITH (throwing himself into Mitchener's chair). Yes: it is +indeed Balsquith. It has come to this: that the only way that the +Prime Minister of England can get from Downing Street to the War +Office is by assuming this disguise; shrieking "VOTES for Women"; +and chaining himself to your doorscraper. They were at the corner +in force. They cheered me. Bellachristina herself was there. She +shook my hand and told me to say I was a vegetarian, as the diet +was better in Holloway for vegetarians. + +MITCHENER. Why didnt you telephone? + +BALSQUITH. They tap the telephone. Every switchboard in London is +in their hands or in those of their young men. + +MITCHENER. Where on Earth did you get that dress? + +BALSQUITH. I stole it from a little Exhibition got up by my wife +in Downing Street. + +MITCHENER. You dont mean to say its a French dress? + +BALSQUITH. Great Heavens, no. My wife isnt allowed even to put on +her gloves with French chalk. Everything labelled Made in +Camberwell. She advised me to come to you. And what I have to say +must be said here to you personally, in the most intimate +confidence, with the most urgent persuasion. Mitchener: Sandstone +has resigned. + +MITCHENER (amazed). Old Red resigned! + +BALSQUITH. Resigned. + +MITCHENER. But how? Why? Oh, impossible! the proclamation of +martial law last Tuesday made Sandstone virtually Dictator in the +metropolis, and to resign now is flat desertion. + +BALSQUITH. Yes, yes, my dear Mitchener; I know all that as well +as you do: I argued with him until I was black in the face and he +so red about the neck that if I had gone on he would have burst. +He is furious because we have abandoned his plan. + +MITCHENER. But you accepted it unconditionally. + +BALSQUITH. Yes, before we knew what it was. It was unworkable, +you know. + +MITCHENER. I dont know. Why is it unworkable? + +BALSQUITH. I mean the part about drawing a cordon round +Westminster at a distance of two miles; and turning all women out +of it. + +MITCHENER. A masterpiece of strategy. Let me explain. The +Suffragets are a very small body; but they are numerous enough to +be troublesome--even dangerous--when they are all concentrated in +one place--say in Parliament Square. But by making a two-mile +radius and pushing them beyond it, you scatter their attack over +a circular line twelve miles long. A superb piece of tactics. +Just what Wellington would have done. + +BALSQUITH. But the women wont go. + +MITCHENER. Nonsense: they must go. + +BALSQUITH. They wont. + +MITCHENER. What does Sandstone say? + +BALSQUITH. He says: Shoot them down. + +MITCHENER. Of course. + +BALSQUITH. Youre not serious? + +MITCHENER. Im perfectly serious. + +BALSQUITH. But you cant shoot them down! Women, you know! + +MITCHENER (straddling confidently). Yes you can. Strange as it +may seem to you as a civilian, Balsquith, if you point a rifle at +a woman and fire it, she will drop exactly as a man drops. + +BALSQUITH. But suppose your own daughters--Helen and Georgina. + +MITCHENER. My daughters would not dream of disobeying the +proclamation. (As an after thought.) At least Helen wouldnt. + +BALSQUITH. But Georgina? + +MITCHENER. Georgina would if she knew shed be shot if she didnt. +Thats how the thing would work. Military methods are really the +most merciful in the end. You keep sending these misguided women +to Holloway and killing them slowly and inhumanely by ruining +their health; and it does no good: they go on worse than ever. +Shoot a few, promptly and humanely; and there will be an end at +once of all resistance and of all the suffering that resistance +entails. + +BALSQUITH. But public opinion would never stand it. + +MITCHENER (walking about and laying down the law). Theres no such +thing as public opinion. + +BALSQUITH. No such thing as public opinion!! + +MITCHENER. Absolutely no such thing as public opinion. There are +certain persons who entertain certain opinions. Well, shoot them +down. When you have shot them down, there are no longer any +persons entertaining those opinions alive: consequently there is +no longer any more of the public opinion you are so much afraid +of. Grasp that fact, my dear Balsquith; and you have grasped the +secret of government. Public opinion is mind. Mind is inseparable +from matter. Shoot down the matter and you kill the mind. + +BALSQUITH. But hang it all-- + +MITCHENER (intolerantly). No I wont hang it all. It's no use +coming to me and talking about public opinion. You have put +yourself into the hands of the army; and you are committed to +military methods. And the basis of all military methods is that +when people wont do what they are told to do, you shoot them +down. + +BALSQUITH. Oh, yes; it's all jolly fine for you and Old Red. You +dont depend on votes for your places. What do you suppose will +happen at the next election? + +MITCHENER. Have no next election. Bring in a Bill at once +repealing all the reform Acts and vesting the Government in a +properly trained magistracy responsible only to a Council of War. +It answers perfectly in India. If anyone objects, shoot him down. + +BALSQUITH. But none of the members of my party would be on the +Council of War. Neither should I. Do you expect us to vote for +making ourselves nobodies? + +MITCHENER. You'll have to, sooner or later, or the Socialists +will make nobodies of the lot of you by collaring every penny you +possess. Do you suppose this damned democracy can be allowed to +go on now that the mob is beginning to take it seriously and +using its power to lay hands on property? Parliament must abolish +itself. The Irish parliament voted for its own extinction. The +English parliament will do the same if the same means are taken +to persuade it. + +BALSQUITH. That would cost a lot of money. + +MITCHENER. Not money necessarily. Bribe them with titles. + +BALSQUITH. Do you think we dare? + +MITCHENER (scornfully). Dare! Dare! What is life but daring, man? +"To dare, to dare, and again to dare"-- + +WOMAN'S VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + +Mitchener, revolver in hand, rushes to the door and locks it. +Balsquith hides under the table. + +A shot is heard. + +BALSQUITH (emerging in the greatest alarm). Good heavens, you +havent given orders to fire on them have you? + +MITCHENER. No; but its a sentinel's duty to fire on anyone who +persists in attempting to pass without giving the word. + +BALSQUITH (wiping his brow). This military business is really +awful. + +MITCHENER. Be calm, Balsquith. These things must happen; they +save bloodshed in the long run, believe me. Ive seen plenty of +it; and I know. + +BALSQUITH. I havent; and I dont know. I wish those guns didnt +make such a devil of a noise. We must adopt Maxim's Silencer for +the army rifles if we are going to shoot women. I really couldnt +stand hearing it. + +Some one outside tries to open the door and then knocks. + +MITCHENER and BALSQUITH. Whats that? + +MITCHENER. Whos there? + +THE ORDERLY. It's only me, governor. Its all right. + +MITCHENER (unlocking the door and admitting the Orderly, who +comes between them). What was it? + +THE ORDERLY. Suffraget, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Did the sentry shoot her? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir: she shot the sentry. + +BALSQUITH (relieved). Oh: is that all? + +MITCHENER (most indignantly). All? A civilian shoots down one of +His Majesty's soldiers on duty; and the Prime Minister of England +asks Is that all? Have you no regard for the sanctity of human +life? + +BALSQUITH (much relieved). Well, getting shot is what a soldier +is for. Besides, he doesnt vote. + +MITCHENER. Neither do the Suffragets. + +BALSQUITH. Their husbands do. (To the Orderly.) By the way, did +she kill him? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. He got a stinger on his trousers, Sir; but +it didnt penetrate. He lost his temper a bit and put down his gun +and clouted her head for her. So she said he was no gentleman; +and we let her go, thinking she'd had enough, Sir. + +MITCHENER (groaning). Clouted her head! These women are making +the army as lawless as themselves. Clouted her head indeed! A +purely civil procedure. + +THE ORDERLY. Any orders, Sir? + +MITCHENER. No. Yes. No. Yes: send everybody who took part in this +disgraceful scene to the guardroom. No. Ill address the men on +the subject after lunch. Parade them for that purpose--full kit. +Don't grin at me, Sir. Right about face. March. (The Orderly +obeys and goes out.) + +BALSQUITH (taking Mitchener affectionately by the arm and walking +him persuasively to and fro). And now, Mitchener, will you come +to the rescue of the Government and take the command that Old Red +has thrown up? + +MITCHENER. How can I? You know that the people are devoted heart +and soul to Sandstone. He is only bringing you "on the knee," as +we say in the army. Could any other living man have persuaded the +British nation to accept universal compulsory military service as +he did last year? Why, even the Church refused exemption. He is +supreme--omnipotent. + +BALSQUITH. He WAS, a year ago. But ever since your book of +reminiscences went into two more editions than his, and the rush +for it led to the wrecking of the Times Book Club, you have +become to all intents and purposes his senior. He lost ground by +saying that the wrecking was got up by the booksellers. It showed +jealousy: and the public felt it. + +MITCHENER. But I cracked him up in my book--you see I could do no +less after the handsome way he cracked me up in his--and I cant +go back on it now. (Breaking loose from Balsquith.) No: its no +use, Balsquith: he can dictate his terms to you. + +BALSQUITH. Not a bit of it. That affair of the curate-- + +MITCHENER (impatiently). Oh, damn that curate. Ive heard of +nothing but that wretched mutineer for a fortnight past. He is +not a curate: whilst he is serving in the army he is a private +soldier and nothing else. I really havent time to discuss him +further. Im busy. Good morning. (He sits down at his table and +takes up his letters.) + +BALSQUITH (near the door). I am sorry you take that tone, +Mitchener. Since you do take it, let me tell you frankly that I +think Lieutenant Chubbs-Jenkinson showed a great want of +consideration for the Government in giving an unreasonable and +unpopular order, and bringing compulsory military service into +disrepute. When the leader of the Labor Party appealed to me and +to the House last year not to throw away all the liberties of +Englishmen by accepting universal Compulsory military service +without insisting on full civil rights for the soldier-- + +MITCHENER. Rot. + +BALSQUITH. --I said that no British officer would be capable of +abusing the authority with which it was absolutely necessary to +invest him. + +MITCHENER. Quite right. + +BALSQUITH. That carried the House and carried the country-- + +MITCHENER. Naturally. + +BALSQUITH. --And the feeling was that the Labor Party were +soulless cads. + +MITCHENER. So they are. + +BALSQUITH. And now comes this unmannerly young whelp Chubbs- +Jenkinson, the only son of what they call a soda king, and orders +a curate to lick his boots. And when the curate punches his head, +you first sentence him to be shot; and then make a great show of +clemency by commuting it to a flogging. What did you expect the +curate to do? + +MITCHENER (throwing down his pen and his letters and jumping up +to confront Balsquith). His duty was perfectly simple. He should +have obeyed the order; and then laid his complaint against the +officer in proper form. He would have received the fullest +satisfaction. + +BALSQUITH. What satisfaction? + +MITCHENER. Chubbs-Jenkinson would have been reprimanded. In fact, +he WAS reprimanded. Besides, the man was thoroughly +insubordinate. You cant deny that the very first thing he did +when they took him down after flogging him was to walk up to +Chubbs-Jenkinson and break his jaw. That showed there was no use +flogging him; so now he will get two years hard labor; and serve +him right. + +BALSQUITH. I bet you a guinea he wont get even a week. I bet you +another that Chubbs-Jenkinson apologizes abjectly. You evidently +havent heard the news. + +MITCHENER. What news? + +BALSQUITH. It turns out that the curate is well connected. +(Mitchener staggers at the shock. Speechless he contemplates +Balsquith with a wild and ghastly stare; then reels into his +chair and buries his face in his hands over the blotter. +Balsquith continues remorselessly, stooping over him to rub it +in.) He has three aunts in the peerage; and Lady Richmond's one +of them; (Mitchener utters a heartrending groan) and they all +adore him. The invitations for six garden parties and fourteen +dances have been cancelled for all the subalterns in Chubbs's +regiment. Is it possible you havent heard of it? + +MITCHENER. Not a word. + +BALSQUITH (shaking his head). I suppose nobody dared to tell you. +(He sits down carelessly on Mitchener's right.) + +MITCHENER. What an infernal young fool Chubbs-Jenkinson is, not +to know the standing of his man better! Why didnt he know? It was +his business to know. He ought to be flogged. + +BALSQUITH. Probably he will be, by the other subalterns. + +MITCHENER. I hope so. Anyhow, out he goes! Out of the army! He or +I. + +BALSQUITH. His father has subscribed a million to the party +funds. We owe him a peerage. + +MITCHENER. I dont care. + +BALSQUITH. I do. How do you think parties are kept up? Not by the +subscriptions of the local associations, I hope. They dont pay +for the gas at the meetings. + +MITCHENER. Man; can you not be serious? Here are we, face to face +with Lady Richmond's grave displeasure; and you talk to me about +gas and subscriptions. Her own nephew. + +BALSQUITH (gloomily). Its unfortunate. He was at Oxford with +Bobby Bassborough. + +MITCHENER. Worse and worse. What shall we do? + +Balsquith shakes his head. They contemplate one another in +miserable silence. + +A VOICE WITHOUT. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! + +A terrific explosion shakes the building--they take no notice. + +MITCHENER (breaking down). You dont know what this means to me, +Balsquith. I love the army. I love my country. + +BALSQUITH. It certainly is rather awkward. + +The Orderly comes in. + +MITCHENER (angrily). What is it? How dare you interrupt us like +this? + +THE ORDERLY. Didnt you hear the explosion, Sir? + +MITCHENER. Explosion. What explosion? No: I heard no explosion: I +have something more serious to attend to than explosions. Great +Heavens: Lady Richmond's nephew has been treated like any common +laborer; and while England is reeling under the shock a private +comes in and asks me if I heard an explosion. + +BALSQUITH. By the way, what was the explosion? + +THE ORDERLY. Only a sort of bombshell, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Bombshell! + +THE ORDERLY. A pasteboard one, Sir. Full of papers with Votes for +Women in red letters. Fired into the yard from the roof of the +Alliance Office. + +MITCHENER. Pooh! Go away. Go away. + +The Orderly, bewildered, goes out. + +BALSQUITH. Mitchener: you can save the country yet. Put on your +full-dress uniform and your medals and orders and so forth. Get a +guard of honor--something showy--horse guards or something of +that sort; and call on the old girl-- + +MITCHENER. The old girl? + +BALSQUITH. Well, Lady Richmond. Apologize to her. Ask her leave +to accept the command. Tell her that youve made the curate your +adjutant or your aide-de-camp or whatever is the proper thing. By +the way, what can you make him? + +MITCHENER. I might make him my chaplain. I dont see why I +shouldnt have a chaplain on my staff. He showed a very proper +spirit in punching that young cub's head. I should have done the +same myself. + +BALSQUITH. Then Ive your promise to take command if Lady Richmond +consents? + +MITCHENER. On condition that I have a free hand. No nonsense +about public opinion or democracy. + +BALSQUITH. As far as possible, I think I may say yes. + +MITCHENER (rising intolerantly and going to the hearthrug). That +wont do for me. Dont be weak-kneed, Balsquith. You know perfectly +well that the real government of this country is and always must +be the government of the masses by the classes. You know that +democracy is damned nonsense, and that no class stands less of it +than the working class. You know that we are already discussing +the steps that will have to be taken if the country should ever +be face to face with the possibility of a Labor majority in +parliament. You know that in that case we should disfranchise the +mob, and, if they made a fuss, shoot them down. You know that if +we need public opinion to support us, we can get any quantity of +it manufactured in our papers by poor devils of journalists who +will sell their souls for five shillings. You know-- + +BALSQUITH. Stop. Stop, I say. I dont know. That is the difference +between your job and mine, Mitchener. After twenty years in the +army a man thinks he knows everything. After twenty months in the +Cabinet he knows that he knows nothing. + +MITCHENER. We learn from history-- + +BALSQUITH. We learn from history that men never learn anything +from history. Thats not my own: its Hegel. + +MITCHENER. Whos Hegel? + +BALSQUITH. Dead. A German philosopher. (He half rises, but +recollects something and sits down again.) Oh confound it: that +reminds me. The Germans have laid down four more Dreadnoughts. + +MITCHENER. Then you must lay down twelve. + +BALSQUITH. Oh yes: its easy to say that: but think of what theyll +cost. + +MITCHENER. Think of what it would cost to be invaded by Germany +and forced to pay an indemnity of five hundred millions. + +BALSQUITH. But you said that if you got compulsory military +service there would be an end of the danger of invasion. + +MITCHENER. On the contrary, my dear fellow, it increases the +danger tenfold, because it increases German jealousy of our +military supremacy. + +BALSQUITH. After all, why should the Germans invade us? + +MITCHENER. Why shouldnt they? What else has their army to do? +What else are they building a navy for? + +BALSQUITH. Well, we never think of invading Germany. + +MITCHENER. Yes we do. I have thought of nothing else for the last +ten years. Say what you will, Balsquith, the Germans have never +recognized, and until they get a stern lesson, they never WILL +recognize, the plain fact that the interests of the British +Empire are paramount, and that the command of the sea belongs by +nature to England. + +BALSQUITH. But if they wont recognize it, what can I do? + +MITCHENER. Shoot them down. + +BALSQUITH. I cant shoot them down. + +MITCHENER. Yes you can. You dont realize it; but if you fire a +rifle into a German he drops just as surely as a rabbit does. + +BALSQUITH But dash it all, man, a rabbit hasnt got a rifle and a +German has. Suppose he shoots you down. + +MITCHENER. Excuse me, Balsquith; but that consideration is what +we call cowardice in the army. A soldier always assumes that he +is going to shoot, not to be shot. + +BALSQUITH (jumping up and walking about sulkily). Oh come! I like +to hear you military people talking of cowardice. Why, you spend +your lives in an ecstasy of terror of imaginary invasions. I dont +believe you ever go to bed without looking under it for a +burglar. + +MITCHENER (calmly). A very sensible precaution, Balsquith. I +always take it. And in consequence Ive never been burgled. + +BALSQUITH. Neither have I. Anyhow dont you taunt me with +cowardice. (He posts himself on the hearthrug beside Mitchener on +his left.) I never look under my bed for a burglar. Im not always +looking under the nation's bed for an invader. And if it comes to +fighting Im quite willing to fight without being three to one. + +MITCHENER. These are the romantic ravings of a Jingo civilian, +Balsquith. At least youll not deny that the absolute command of +the sea is essential to our security. + +BALSQUITH. The absolute command of the sea is essential to the +security of the principality of Monaco. But Monaco isnt going to +get it. + +MITCHENER. And consequently Monaco enjoys no security. What a +frightful thing! How do the inhabitants sleep with the +possibility of invasion, of bombardment, continually present to +their minds? Would you have our English slumbers broken in the +same way? Are we also to live without security? + +BALSQUITH (dogmatically). Yes. Theres no such thing as security +in the world: and there never can be as long as men are mortal. +England will be secure when England is dead, just as the streets +of London will be safe when there is no longer a man in her +streets to be run over, or a vehicle to run over him. When you +military chaps ask for security you are crying for the moon. + +MITCHENER (very seriously). Let me tell you, Balsquith, that in +these days of aeroplanes and Zeppelin airships, the question of +the moon is becoming one of the greatest importance. It will be +reached at no very distant date. Can you as an Englishman, tamely +contemplate the posssibility of having to live under a German +moon? The British flag must be planted there at all hazards. + +BALSQUITH. My dear Mitchener, the moon is outside practical +politics. Id swop it for a cooling station tomorrow with Germany +or any other Power sufficiently military in its way of thinking +to attach any importance to it. + +MITCHENER (losing his temper). You are the friend of every +country but your own. + +BALSQUITH. Say nobodys enemy but my own. It sounds nicer. You +really neednt be so horribly afraid of the other countries. +Theyre all in the same fix as we are. Im much more interested in +the death rate in Lambeth than in the German fleet. + +MITCHENER. You darent say that in Lambeth. + +BALSQUITH. Ill say it the day after you publish your scheme for +invading Germany and repealing all the reform Acts. + +The Orderly comes in. + +MITCHENER. What do you want? + +THE ORDERLY. I dont want anything, Governor, thank you. The +secretary and president of the Anti-Suffraget League say they had +an appointment with the Prime Minister, and that theyve been sent +on here from Downing Street. + +BALSQUITH (going to the table). Quite right. I forgot them. (To +Mitchener.) Would you mind my seeing them here? I feel +extraordinarily grateful to these women for standing by us and +facing the suffragets, especially as they are naturally the +gentler and timid sort of women. (The Orderly moans.) Did you say +anything? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Did you catch their names. + +THE ORDERLY. Yes, Sir. The president is Lady Corinthia Fanshawe; +and the secretary is Mrs. Banger. + +MITCHENER (abruptly). Mrs. what? + +THE ORDERLY. Mrs. Banger. + +BALSQUITH. Curious that quiet people always seem to have violent +names. + +THE ORDERLY. Not much quiet about her, sir. + +MITCHENER (outraged). Attention. Speak when youre spoken to. Hold +your tongue when youre not. Right about face. March. (The Orderly +obeys.) Thats the way to keep these chaps up to the mark. (The +Orderly returns.) Back again! What do you mean by this mutiny? + +THE ORDERLY. What am I to say to the ladies, sir? + +BALSQUITH. You dont mind my seeing them somewhere, do you? + +MITCHENER. Not at all. Bring them in to see me when youve done +with them: I understand that Lady Corinthia is a very fascinating +woman. Who is she, by the way? + +BALSQUITH. Daughter of Lord Broadstairs, the automatic turbine +man. Gave quarter of a million to the party funds. Shes musical +and romantic and all that--dont hunt: hates politics: stops in +town all the year round: one never sees her anywhere except at +the opera and at musical at-homes and so forth. + +MITCHENER. What a life! Still, if she wants to see me I dont +mind. (To the Orderly.) Where are the ladies? + +THE ORDERLY. In No. 17, Sir. + +MITCHENER. Show Mr. Balsquith there. And send Mrs. Farrell here. + +THE ORDERLY (calling into the corridor). Mrs. Farrell! (To +Balsquith.) This way sir. (He goes out with Balsquith.) + +Mrs. Farrell, a lean, highly respectable Irish Charwoman +of about 50 comes in. + +MITCHENER. Mrs. Farrell: Ive a very important visit to pay: I +shall want my full dress uniform and all my medals and orders and +my presentation sword. There was a time when the British Army +contained men capable of discharging these duties for their +commanding officer. Those days are over. The compulsorily +enlisted soldier runs to a woman for everything. Im therefore +reluctantly obliged to trouble you. + +MRS FARRELL. Your meddles n ordhers n the crooked sword with the +ivory handle n your full dress uniform is in the waxworks in the +Chamber o Military Glory over in the place they used to call the +Banquetin Hall. I told you youd be sorry for sendin them away; n +you told me to mind me own business. Youre wiser now. + +MITCHENER. I am. I had not at that time discovered that you were +the only person in the whole military establishment of this +capital who could be trusted to remember where anything was, or +to understand an order and obey it. + +MRS. FARRELL. Its no good flattherin me. Im too old. + +MITCHENER. Not at all, Mrs. Farrell. How is your daughter? + +MRS. FARRELL. Which daughther. + +MITCHENER. The one who has made such a gratifying success in the +Music Halls. + +MRS. FARRELL. Theres no music halls nowadays: theyre Variety +Theatres. Shes got an offer of marriage from a young jook. + +MITCHENER. Is it possible? What did you do? + +MRS. FARRELL. I told his mother on him. + +MITCHENER. Oh! what did she say? + +MRS. FARRELL. She was as pleased as Punch. Thank Heaven, she +says, hes got somebody thatll be able to keep him when the +supertax is put up to twenty shillings in the pound. + +MITCHENER. But your daughter herself? What did she say? + +MRS. FARRELL. Accepted him, of course. What else would a young +fool like her do? He inthrojooced her to the Poet Laureate, +thinking shed inspire him. + +MITCHENER. Did she? + +MRS. FARRELL. Faith I dunna. All I know is she walked up to him +as bold as brass n said "Write me a sketch, dear." Afther all +the trouble I took with that chills manners shes no more notion +how to behave herself than a pig. Youll have to wear General +Sandstones uniform: its the ony one in the place, because he wont +lend it to the shows. + +MITCHENER. But Sandstones clothes wont fit me. + +MRS. FARRELL (unmoved). Then youll have to fit THEM. Why shouldnt +they fitcha as well as they fitted General Blake at the Mansion +House? + +MITCHENER. They didnt fit him. He looked a frightful guy. + +MRS. FARRELL. Well, you must do the best you can with them. You +cant exhibit your clothes and wear them too. + +MITCHENER. And the public thinks the lot of a commanding officer +a happy one! Oh, if they could only see the seamy side of it. (He +returns to his table to resume work.) + +MRS. FARRELL. If they could only see the seamy side of General +Sandstones uniform, where his flask rubs agen the buckle of his +braces, theyll tell him he ought to get a new one. Let alone the +way he swears at me. + +MITCHENER. When a man has risked his life on eight battlefields, +Mrs. Farrell, he has given sufficient proof of his self-control +to be excused a little strong language. + +MRS. FARRELL. Would you put up with bad language from me because +Ive risked my life eight times in childbed? + +MITCHENER. My dear Mrs. Farrell, you surely would not compare a +risk of that harmless domestic kind to the fearful risks of the +battlefield? + +MRS. FARRELL. I wouldnt compare risks run to bear living people +into the world to risks run to blow them out of it. A mother's +risk is jooty: a soldier's nothin but divilmint. + +MITCHENER (nettled). Let me tell you, Mrs. Farrell, that if the +men did not fight, the women would have to fight themselves. We +spare you that, at all events. + +MRS. FARRELL. You cant help yourselves. If three-quarters of you +was killed we could replace you with the help of the other +quarter. If three-quarters of us was killed, how many people +would there be in England in another generation? If it wasnt for +that, the mand put the fightin on us just as they put all the +other dhrudgery. What would YOU do if we was all kilt? Would you +go to bed and have twins? + +MITCHENER. Really, Mrs. Farrell, you must discuss these questions +with a medical man. You make me blush, positively. + +MRS. FARRELL. A good job too. If I could have made Farrell blush +I wouldnt have had to risk me life too often. You n your risks n +your bravery n your selfcontrol indeed! "Why don't you conthrol +yourself?" I sez to Farrell. "Its agen me religion," he sez. + +MITCHENER (plaintively). Mrs. Farrell, youre a woman of very +powerful mind. Im not qualified to argue these delicate matters +with you. I ask you to spare me, and to be good enough to take +these clothes to Mr. Balsquith when the ladies leave. + +The Orderly comes in. + +THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe and Mrs. Banger wish to see +you, sir. Mr. Balsquith told me to tell you. + +MRS. FARRELL. Theyve come about the vote. I dont know whether its +them that want it or them that doesnt want it: anyhow, they're +all alike when they get into a state about it. (She goes out, +having gathered Balsquith's suffraget disguise from the desk.) + +MITCHENER. Is Mr. Balsquith not with them? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. Couldnt stand Mrs. Banger, I expect. Fair +caution she is. (He chuckles.) Couldnt help larfin when I sor im +op it. + +MITCHENER. How dare you indulge in this unseemly mirth in the +presence of your commanding officer? Have you no sense of a +soldier's duty? + +THE ORDERLY (sadly). Im afraid I shant ever get the ang of it, +sir. You see my father has a tidy little barbers business down +off Shoreditch; and I was brought up to be chatty and easy like +with everybody. I tell you, when I drew the number in the +conscription it gave my old mother the needle and it gev me the +ump. I should take it very kind, sir, if youd let me off the +drill and let me shave you instead. Youd appreciate my qualities +then: you would indeed sir. I shant never do myself justice at +soljering, sir: I cant bring myself to think of it as proper work +for a man with an active mind, as you might say, sir. Arf of its +only ousemaidin; and the other arf is dress-up and make-believe. + +MITCHENER. Stuff, Sir. Its the easiest life in the world. Once +you learn your drill all you have to do is to hold your tongue +and obey your orders. + +THE ORDERLY. But I do assure you, sir, arf the time they're the +wrong orders; and I get into trouble when I obey them. The +sergeants orders is all right; but the officers dont know what +theyre talkin about. Why the orses knows better sometimes. +"Fours" says Lieutenant Trevor at the gate of Bucknam Palace only +this morning when we was on duty for a State visit to the Coal +Trust. I was fourth man like in the first file; and when I +started the orse eld back; and the sergeant was on to me +straight. Threes, you bally fool, he whispers. And he was on to +me again about it when we came back, and called me a fathead, he +did. What am I to do, I says: the lieutenant's orders was fours, +I says. Ill show you whos lieutenant here, e says. In future you +attend to my orders and not to iz, e says: what does he know +about it? You didnt give me any orders, I says. Couldnt you see +for yourself there wasnt room for fours, e says: why cant you +THINK? General Mitchener tells me Im not to think but to obey +orders, I says. Is Mitchener your sergeant or am I, e says in his +bullyin way. You are, I says. Well, he says, youve got to do what +your sergeant tells you: thats discipline, he says. What am I to +do for the General I says. Youre to let im talk, e says: thats +what es for. + +MITCHENER (groaning). It is impossible for the human mind to +conceive anything more dreadful than this. Youre a disgrace to +the service. + +THE ORDERLY (deeply wounded). The service is a disgrace to me. +When my mother's people pass me in the street with this uniform +on, I ardly know which way to look. There never was a soldier in +my family before. + +MITCHENER. There never was anything else in mine, sir. + +THE ORDERLY. My mother's second cousin was one of the Parkinsons +of Stepney. (Almost in tears.) What do you know of the feelings +of a respectable family in the middle station of life? I cant +bear to be looked down on as a common soldier. Why cant my father +be let buy my discharge? Youve done away with the soldier's right +to have his discharge bought for him by his relations. The +country didnt know you were going to do that or it would never +have stood it. Is an Englishman to be made a mockery like +this? + +MITCHENER. Silence. Attention. Right about face. March. + +THE ORDERLY (retiring to the standing desk and bedewing it with +passionate tears). Oh that I should have lived to be spoke to as +if I was the lowest of the low. Me! that has shaved a City of +London aldermen wiv me own hand. + +MITCHENER. Poltroon. Crybaby. Well, better disgrace yourself here +than disgrace your country on the field of battle. + +THE ORDERLY (angrily coming to the table). Whos going to disgrace +his country on the field of battle? Its not fightin I object to: +its soljerin. Show me a German and Ill have a go at him as fast +as you or any man. But to ave me time wasted like this, an be +stuck in a sentry box at a street corner for an ornament to be +stared at; and to be told "right about face: march" if I speak as +one man to another: that aint pluck: that aint fightin: that aint +patriotism: its bein made a bloomin sheep of. + +MITCHENER. A sheep has many valuable military qualities. Emulate +them: dont disparage them. + +THE ORDERLY. Oh, wots the good of talkin to you? If I wasnt a +poor soldier I could punch your head for forty shillins for a +month. But because youre my commanding officer you deprive me of +my right to a magistrate and make a compliment of giving me two +years ard sted of shootin me. Why cant you take your chance the +same as any civilian does? + +MITCHENER (rising majestically). I search the pages of history in +vain for a parallel to such a speech made by a Private to a +general. But for the coherence of your remarks I should conclude +that you were drunk. As it is, you must be mad. You shall be +placed under restraint at once. Call the guard. + +THE ORDERLY. Call your grandmother. If you take one man off the +doors the place'll be full of Suffragets before you can wink. + +MITCHENER. Then arrest yourself; and off with you to the +guardroom. + +THE ORDERLY. What am I to arrest myself for? + +MITCHENER. Thats nothing to you. You have your orders: obey them. +Do you hear? Right about face. March. + +THE ORDERLY. How would you feel yourself if you was told to +right-about-face and march as if you was a doormat? + +MITCHENER. I should feel as if my country had spoken through the +voice of my officer. I should feel proud and honored to be able +to serve my country by obeying its commands. No thought of self-- +no vulgar preoccupation with my own petty vanity could touch my +mind at such a moment. To me my officer would not be a mere man: +he would be for the moment--whatever his personal frailties--the +incarnation of our national destiny. + +THE ORDERLY. What Im saying to you is the voice of old England a +jolly sight more than all this rot that you get out of books. Id +rather be spoke to by a sergeant than by you. He tells me to go +to hell when I challenges him to argue it out like a man. It aint +polite; but its English. What you say aint anything at all. You +dont act on it yourself. You dont believe in it. Youd punch my +head if I tried it on you; and serve me right. And look here. +Heres another point for you to argue. + +MITCHENER (with a shriek of protest). No-- + +Mrs. Banger comes in, followed by Lady Corinthia Fanshawe. + +Mrs. Banger is a masculine woman of forty, with a powerful voice +and great physical strength. Lady Corinthia, who is also over +thirty, is beautiful and romantic. + +MRS. BANGER (throwing the door open decisively and marching +straight to Michener). Pray how much longer is the Anti-Suffrage +League to be kept waiting? (She passes him contemptuously and +sits down with impressive confidence in the chair next the +fireplace. Lady Corinthia takes the chair on the opposite side of +the table with equal aplomb.) + +MITCHENER. Im extremely sorry. You really do not know what I have +to put with. This imbecile, incompetent, unsoldierly disgrace to +the uniform he should never have been allowed to put on, ought to +have shown you in fifteen minutes ago. + +THE ORDERLY. All I said was-- + +MITCHENER. Not another word. Attention. Right about face. March. +(The Orderly sits down doggedly.) Get out of the room this +instant, you fool, or Ill kick you out. + +THE ORDERLY (civilly). I dont mind that, sir. Its human. Its +English. Why couldnt you have said it before? (He goes out). + +MITCHENER. Take no notice I beg: these scenes are of daily +occurrence now that we have compulsory service under the command +of the halfpenny papers. Pray sit down. + +LADY CORINTHIA AND MRS. BANGER (rising). Thank you. (They sit +down again.) + +MITCHENER (sitting down with a slight chuckle of satisfaction). +And now, ladies, to what am I indebted? + +MRS. BANGER. Let me introduce us. I am Rosa Carmina +Banger--Mrs. Banger, organizing secretary of the Anti-Suffraget +League. This is Lady Corinthia Fanshawe, the president of the +League, known in musical circles--I am not myself musical--as the +Richmond Park nightingale. A soprano. I am myself said to be +almost a baritone; but I do not profess to understand these dis- +tinctions. + +MITCHENER (murmuring politely). Most happy, Im sure. + +MRS. BANGER. We have come to tell you plainly that the Anti- +Suffragets are going to fight. + +MITCHENER (gallantly). Oh, pray leave that to the men, Mrs. +Banger. + +LADY CORINTHIA. We can no longer trust the men. + +MRS. BANGER. They have shown neither the strength, the courage, +nor the determination which are needed to combat women like the +Suffragets. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Nature is too strong for the combatants. + +MRS. BANGER. Physical struggles between persons of opposite sexes +are unseemly. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Demoralizing. + +MRS. BANGER. Insincere. + +LADY CORINTHIA. They are merely embraces in disguise. + +MRS. BANGER. No such suspicion can attach to combats in which the +antagonists are of the same sex. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The Anti-Suffragets have resolved to take the +field. + +MRS. BANGER. They will enforce the order of General Sandstone for +the removal of all women from the two mile radius--that is, all +women except themselves. + +MITCHENER. I am sorry to have to inform you, Madam, that the +Government has given up that project, and that General Sandstone +has resigned in consequence. + +MRS. BANGER. That does not concern us in the least. We approve of +the project and will see that it is carried out. We have spent a +good deal of money arming ourselves; and we are not going to have +that money thrown away through the pusillanimity of a Cabinet of +males. + +MITCHENER. Arming yourselves! But, my dear ladies, under the +latest proclamation women are strictly forbidden to carry chains, +padlocks, tracts on the franchise, or weapons of any description. + +LADY CORINTHIA (producing an ivory-handled revolver and pointing +it at his nose). You little know your countrywomen, General +Mitchener. + +MITCHENER (without flinching). Madam: it is my duty to take +possession of that weapon in accordance with the proclamation. Be +good enough to put it down. + +MRS. BANGER (producing an XVIII century horse pistol). Is it your +duty to take possession of this also? + +MITCHENER. That, madam, is not a weapon; it is a curiosity. If +you would be kind enough to place it in some museum instead of +pointing it at my head, I should be obliged to you. + +MRS. BANGER. This pistol, sir, was carried at Waterloo by my +grandmother. + +MITCHENER. I presume you mean your grandfather. + +MRS. BANGER. You presume unwarrantably. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Mrs. Banger's grandmother commanded a canteen at +that celebrated battle. + +MRS. BANGER. Who my grandfather was is a point that has never +been quite clearly settled. I put my trust not in my ancestors, +but in my good sword, which is at my lodgings. + +MITCHENER. Your sword! + +MRS. BANGER. The sword with which I slew five Egyptians with my +own hand at Kassassin, where I served as a trooper. + +MITCHENER. Lord bless me! But was your sex never discovered? + +MRS. BANGER. It was never even suspected. I had a comrade--a +gentleman ranker--whom they called Fanny. They never called ME +Fanny. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The suffragets have turned the whole woman +movement on to the wrong track. They ask for a vote. + +MRS. BANGER. What use is a vote? Men have the vote. + +LADY CORINTHIA. And men are slaves. + +MRS. BANGER. What women need is the right to military service. +Give me a well-mounted regiment of women with sabres, opposed to +a regiment of men with votes. We shall see which will go down +before the other. (rises) No: we have had enough of these gentle +pretty creatures who merely talk and cross-examine ministers in +police courts, and go to prison like sheep, and suffer and +sacrifice themselves. This question must be solved by blood and +iron, as was well said by Bismarck, whom I have reason to believe +was a woman in disguise. + +MITCHENER. Bismarck a woman? + +MRS. BANGER. All the really strong men of history have been +disguised women. + +MITCHENER (remonstrating). My dear lady! + +MRS. BANGER. How can you tell? You never knew that the hero of +the charge at Kassassin was a woman: yet she was: it was I, Rosa +Carmina Banger. Would Napoleon have been so brutal to women, +think you, had he been a man? + +MITCHENER. Oh, come, come! Really! Surely female rulers have +often shown all the feminine weaknesses. Queen Elizabeth, for +instance. Her vanity, her levity. + +MRS. BANGER. Nobody who has studied the history of Queen +Elizabeth can doubt for a moment that she was a disguised man. + +LADY CORINTHIA (admiring Mrs. Banger). Isnt she splendid? + +MRS. BANGER (rising with a large gesture). This very afternoon I +shall cast off this hampering skirt for ever; mount my charger; +and with my good sabre lead the Anti-Suffragets to victory. (She +strides to the other side of the room, snorting.) + +MITCHENER. But I cant allow anything of the sort, madam. I shall +stand no such ridiculous nonsense. Im perfectly determined to put +my foot down. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Dont be hysterical, General. + +MITCHENER. Hysterical! + +MRS. BANGER. Do you think we are to be stopped by these childish +exhibitions of temper. They are useless; and your tears and +entreaties--a man's last resource--will avail you just as little. +I sweep them away, just as I sweep your plans of campaign "made +in Germany--" + +MITCHENER (flying into a transport of rage). How dare you repeat +that infamous slander? (He rings the bell violently.) If this is +the alternative to votes for women, I shall advocate giving every +woman in the country six votes. + +The Orderly comes in. + +Remove that woman. See that she leaves the building at once. + +The Orderly forlornly contemplates the iron front presented by +Mrs. Banger. + +THE ORDERLY (propitiatorily). Would you av the feelin art to step +out, madam. + +MRS. BANGER. You are a soldier. Obey your orders. Put me out. +If I got such an order, I should not hesitate. + +THE ORDERLY (To Mitchener). Would you mind lendin me a and, +Guvner? + +LADY CORINTHIA (raising her revolver). I shall be obliged to +shoot you if you stir, General. + +MRS. BANGER (To the Orderly). When you are ordered to put a +person out you should do it like this. (She hurls him from the +room. He is heard falling headlong downstairs and crashing +through a glass door.) I shall now wait on General Sandstone. If +he shows any sign of weakness, he shall share that poor wretch's +fate. (She goes out.) + +LADY CORINTHIA. Isnt she magnificent? + +MITCHENER. Thank heaven shes gone. And now, my dear lady, is it +necessary to keep that loaded pistol to my nose all through our +conversation? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Its not loaded. Its heavy enough, goodness knows, +without putting bullets in it. + +MITCHENER (triumphantly snatching his revolver from the drawer). +Then I am master of the situation. This IS loaded. Ha, ha! + +LADY CORINTHIA. But since we are not really going to shoot one +another, what difference can it possibly make? + +MITCHENER (putting his pistol down on the table). True. Quite +true. I recognize there the practical good sense that has +prevented you from falling into the snares of the Suffragets. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The Suffragets, General, are the dupes of +dowdies. A really attractive and clever woman-- + +MITCHENER (gallantly). Yourself, for instance. + +LADY CORINTHIA (snatching up his revolver). Another step and you +are a dead man. + +MITCHENER (amazed). My dear lady! + +LADY CORINTHIA. I am not your dear lady. You are not the first +man who has concluded that because I am devoted to music and can +reach F flat with the greatest facility--Patti never got above E +flat--I am marked out as the prey of every libertine. You think I +am like the thousands of weak women whom you have ruined-- + +MITCHENER. I solemnly protest-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Oh, I know what you officers are. To you a +woman's honor is nothing, and the idle pleasure of the moment is +everything. + +MITCHENER. This is perfectly ridiculous. I never ruined anyone in +my life. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Never! Are you in earnest? + +MITCHENER. Certainly I am in earnest. Most indignantly in +earnest. + +LADY CORINTHIA (throwing down the pistol contemptuously). Then +you have no temperament; you are not an artist. You have no soul +for music. + +MITCHENER. Ive subscribed to the regimental band all my life. I +bought two sarrusophones for it out of my own pocket. When I sang +Tosti's Goodbye for Ever at Knightsbridge in 1880, the whole +regiment wept. You are too young to remember that. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Your advances are useless. I-- + +MITCHENER. Confound it, madam, can you not receive an innocent +compliment without suspecting me of dishonorable intentions? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Love--real love--makes all intentions honorable. +But YOU could never understand that. + +MITCHENER. Ill not submit to the vulgar penny-novelette notion +that an officer is less honorable than a civilian in his +relations with women. While I live Ill raise my voice-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Tush! + +MITCHENER. What do you mean by tush? + +LADY CORINTHIA. You cant raise your voice above its natural +compass. What sort of voice have you? + +MITCHENER. A tenor. What sort had you? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Had? I have it still. I tell you I am the highest +living soprano. (Scornfully.) What was your highest note, pray? + +MITCHENER. B flat--once--in 1879. I was drunk at the time. + +LADY CORINTHIA (gazing at him almost tenderly). Though you may +not believe me, I find you are more interesting when you talk +about music than when you are endeavoring to betray a woman who +has trusted you by remaining alone with you in your apartment. + +MITCHENER (springing up and fuming away to the fireplace). These +repeated insults to a man of blameless life are as disgraceful to +you as they are undeserved by me, Lady Corinthia. Such suspicions +invite the conduct they impute. (She raises the pistol.) You need +not be alarmed: I am only going to leave the room. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Fish. + +MITCHENER. Fish! This is worse than tush. Why fish? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Yes, fish: coldblooded fish. + +MITCHENER. Dash it all, madam, do you WANT me to make advances to +you? + +LADY CORINTHIA. I have not the slightest intention of yielding to +them; but to make them would be a tribute to romance. What is +life without romance? + +MITCHENER (making a movement toward her). I tell you-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Stop. No nearer. No vulgar sensuousness. If you +must adore, adore at a distance. + +MITCHENER. This is worse than Mrs. Banger. I shall ask that +estimable woman to come back. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Poor Mrs. Banger! Do not for a moment suppose, +General Mitchener, that Mrs. Banger represents my views on the +suffrage question. Mrs. Banger is a man in petticoats. I am every +inch a woman; but I find it convenient to work with her. + +MITCHENER. Do you find the combination comfortable? + +LADY CORINTHIA. I do not wear combinations, General: (with +dignity) they are unwomanly. + +MITCHENER (throwing himself despairingly into the chair next the +hearthrug). I shall go mad. I never for a moment dreamt of +alluding to anything of the sort. + +LADY CORINTHIA. There is no need to blush and become self- +conscious at the mention of underclothing. You are extremely +vulgar, General. + +MITCHENER. Lady Corinthia: you have my pistol. Will you have the +goodness to blow my brains out. I should prefer it to any further +effort to follow the gyrations of the weathercock you no doubt +call your mind. If you refuse, then I warn you that youll not get +another word out of me--not if we sit here until doomsday. + +LADY CORINTHIA. I dont want you to talk. I want you to listen. +You do not yet understand my views on the question of the +Suffrage. (She rises to make a speech.) I must preface my remarks +by reminding you that the Suffraget movement is essentially a +dowdy movement. The suffragets are not all dowdies; but they are +mainly supported by dowdies. Now I am not a dowdy. Oh, no +compliments-- + +MITCHENER. I did not utter a sound. + +LADY CORINTHIA (smiling). It is easy to read your thoughts. I am +one of those women who are accustomed to rule the world through +men. Man is ruled by beauty, by charm. The men who are not have +no influence. The Salic Law, which forbade women to occupy a +throne, is founded on the fact that when a woman is on the throne +the country is ruled by men, and therefore ruled badly; whereas +when a man is on the throne, the country is ruled by women, and +therefore ruled well. The suffragets would degrade women from +being rulers to being voters, mere politicians, the drudges of +the caucus and the polling booth. We should lose our influence +completely under such a state of affairs. The New Zealand women +have the vote. What is the result? No poet ever makes a New +Zealand woman his heroine. One might as well be romantic about +New Zealand mutton. Look at the suffragets themselves. The only +ones who are popular are the pretty ones, who flirt with mobs as +ordinary women flirt with officers. + +MITCHENER. Then I understand you to hold that the country should +be governed by the women after all. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Not by all the women. By certain women. I had +almost said by one woman. By the women who have charm--who have +artistic talent--who wield a legitimate, a refining influence +over the men. (She sits down gracefully, smiling, and arranging +her draperies with conscious elegance.) + +MITCHENER. In short, madam, you think that if you give the vote +to the man, you give the power to the women who can get round the +man. + +LADY CORINTHIA. That is not a very delicate way of putting it; +but I suppose that is how you would express what I mean. + +MITCHENER. Perhaps youve never had any experience of garrison +life. If you had, you'd have noticed that the sort of woman who +is clever at getting round men is sometimes rather a bad lot. + +LADY CORINTHIA. What do you mean by a bad lot? + +MITCHENER. I mean a woman who would play the very devil if the +other women didnt keep her in pretty strict order. I dont approve +of democracy, because its rot; and Im against giving the vote to +women because Im not accustomed to it and therefore am able to +see with an unprejudiced eye what infernal nonsense it is. But I +tell you plainly, Lady Corinthia, that there is one game that I +dislike more than either Democracy or Votes For Women: and that +is the game of Antony and Cleopatra. If I must be ruled by women, +let me have decent women and not--well, not the other sort. + +LADY CORINTHIA. You have a coarse mind, General Mitchener. + +MITCHENER. So has Mrs. Banger. And by George! I prefer Mrs. +Banger to you! + +LADY CORINTHIA (bounding to her feet.) You prefer Mrs. Banger to +me!!! + +MITCHENER. I do. You said yourself she was splendid. + +LADY CORINTHIA. You are no true man. You are one of those unsexed +creatures who have no joy in life, no sense of beauty, no high +notes. + +MITCHENER. No doubt I am, Madam. As a matter of fact, I am not +clever at discussing public questions, because, as an English +gentleman, I was not brought up to use my brains. But +occasionally, after a number of remarks which are perhaps +sometimes rather idiotic, I get certain convictions. Thanks to +you, I have now got a conviction that this woman question is not +a question of lovely and accomplished females, but of dowdies. +The average Englishwoman is a dowdy and never has half a chance +of becoming anything else. She hasnt any charm; and she has no +high notes except when shes giving her husband a piece of her +mind, or calling down the street for one of the children. + +LADY CORINTHIA. How disgusting! + +MITCHENER. Somebody must do the dowdy work! If we had to choose +between pitching all the dowdies into the Thames and pitching all +the lovely and accomplished women, the lovely ones would have to +go. + +LADY CORINTHIA. And if you had to do without Wagner's music or do +without your breakfast, you would do without Wagner. Pray does +that make eggs and bacon more precious than music, or the butcher +and baker better than the poet and philosopher? The scullery may +be more necessary to our bare existence than the cathedral. Even +humbler apartments might make the same claim. But which is the +more essential to the higher life? + +MITCHENER. Your arguments are so devilishly ingenious that I feel +convinced you got them out of some confounded book. Mine--such as +they are--are my own. I imagine its something like this. There is +an old saying that if you take care of the pence, the pounds will +take care of themselves. Well, perhaps if we take care of the +dowdies and the butchers and the bakers, the beauties and the +bigwigs will take care of themselves. (Rising and facing her +determinedly.) Anyhow, I dont want to have things arranged for me +by Wagner. Im not Wagner. How does he know where the shoe pinches +me? How do you know where the shoe pinches your washerwoman?--you +and your high F in alt. How are you to know when you havent made +her comfortable unless she has a vote? Do you want her to come +and break your windows? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Am I to understand that General Mitchener is a +democrat and a suffraget? + +MITCHENER. Yes: you have converted me--you and Mrs. Banger. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Farewell, creature. (Balsquith enters hurriedly.) +Mr. Balsquith: I am going to wait on General Sandstone. He at +least is an officer and a gentleman. (She sails out.) + +BALSQUITH. Mitchener: the game is up. + +MITCHENER. What do you mean? + +BALSQUITH. The strain is too much for the Cabinet. The old +Liberal and Unionist Free Traders declare that if they are +defeated on their resolution to invite tenders from private +contractors for carrying on the Army and Navy, they will go solid +for votes for women as the only means of restoring the liberties +of the country which we have destroyed by compulsory military +service. + +MITCHENER. Infernal impudence? + +BALSQUITH. The Labor party is taking the same line. They say the +men got the Factory Acts by hiding behind the women's petticoats, +and that they will get votes for the army in the same way. + +MITCHENER. Balsquith: we must not yield to clamor. I have just +told this lady that I am at last convinced-- + +BALSQUITH (joyfully). That the suffragets must be supported. + +MITCHENER. No: that the anti-suffragets must be put down at all +hazards. + +BALSQUITH. Same thing. + +MITCHENER. No. For you now tell me that the Labor Party demands +votes for women. That makes it impossible to give them, because +it would be yielding to clamor. The one condition on which we can +consent to grant anything in this country is that nobody shall +presume to want it. + +BALSQUITH (earnestly). Mitchener: its no use. You cant have the +conveniences of Democracy without its occasional inconveniences. + +MITCHENER. What are its conveniences, I should like to know? + +BALSQUITH. When you tell people that they are the real rulers and +they can do what they like, nine times out of ten, they say, "All +right, tell us what to do." But it happens sometimes that they +get an idea of their own; and then of course youre landed. + +MITCHENER. Sh-- + +BALSQUITH (desperately shouting him down). No: its no use telling +me to shoot them down: Im not going to do it. After all, I dont +suppose votes for women will make much difference. It hasnt in +the other countries in which it has been tried. + +MITCHENER. I never supposed it would make much difference. What I +cant stand is giving in to that Pankhurst lot. Hang it all, +Balsquith, it seems only yesterday that we put them in quod for a +month. I said at the time that it ought to have been ten years. +If my advice had been taken this wouldnt have happened. Its a +consolation to me that events are proving how thoroughly right I +was. + +The Orderly rushes in. + +THE ORDERLY. Look ere, sir: Mrs. Banger locked the door of +General Sandstone's room on the inside; and shes sitting on his +ead until he signs a proclamation for women to serve in the army. + +MITCHENER. Put your shoulder to the door and burst it open. + +THE ORDERLY. Its only in story books that doors burst open as +easy as that. Besides, Im only too thankful to have a locked door +between me and Mrs. B.; and so is all the rest of us. + +MITCHENER. Cowards. Balsquith: to the rescue! (He dashes out.) + +BALSQUITH (ambling calmly to the hearth). This is the business of +the Sergeant at Arms rather than of the leader of the House. +Theres no use in my tackling Mrs. Banger: she would only sit on +my head too. + +THE ORDERLY. You take my tip, Mr. Balsquith. Give the women the +vote and give the army civil rights; and av done with it. + +Mitchener returns. + +MITCHENER. Balsquith: prepare to hear the worst. + +BALSQUITH. Sandstone is no more? + +MITCHENER. On the contrary, he is particularly lively. He has +softened Mrs. Banger by a proposal of marriage in which he +appears to be perfectly in earnest. He says he has met his ideal +at last, a really soldierly woman. She will sit on his head for +the rest of his life; and the British Army is now to all intents +and purposes commanded by Mrs. Banger. When I remonstrated with +Sandstone she positively shouted "Right-about-face. March" at me +in the most offensive tone. If she hadnt been a woman I should +have punched her head. I precious nearly punched Sandstone's. The +horrors of martial law administered by Mrs. Banger are too +terrible to be faced. I demand civil rights for the army. + +THE ORDERLY (chuckling). Wot oh, General! Wot oh! + +MITCHENER. Hold your tongue. (He goes to the door and calls.) +Mrs. Farrell! (Returning, and again addressing the Orderly.) +Civil rights don't mean the right to be uncivil. (Pleased with +his own wit.) Almost a pun. Ha ha! + +MRS. FARRELL. Whats the matther now? (She comes to the table.) + +MITCHENER (to the Orderly). I have private business with Mrs. +Farrell. Outside, you infernal blackguard. + +THE ORDERLY (arguing, as usual). Well, I didnt ask to-- +(Mitchener seizes him by the nape; rushes him out; and slams the +door). + +MITCHENER. Excuse the abruptness of this communication, Mrs. +Farrell; but I know only one woman in the country whose practical +ability and force of character can maintain her husband in +competition with the husband of Mrs. Banger. I have the honor to +propose for your hand. + +MRS. FARRELL. Dye mean you want to marry me? + +MITCHENER. I do. + +MRS. FARRELL. No thank you. Id have to work for you just the +same; only I shouldnt get any wages for it. + +BALSQUITH. That will be remedied when women get the vote. Ive had +to promise that. + +MITCHENER (winningly). Mrs. Farrell: you have been charwoman here +now ever since I took up my duties. Have you really never, in +your more romantic moments, cast a favorable eye on my person? + +MRS. FARRELL. Ive been too busy casting an unfavorable eye on +your cloze and on the litther you make with your papers. + +MITCHENER (wounded). Am I to understand that you refuse me? + +MRS. FARRELL. Just wait a bit. (She takes Mitchener's chair and +rings up the telephone.) Double three oh seven Elephant. + +MITCHENER. I trust youre not ringing for the police, Mrs. +Farrell. I assure you Im perfectly sane. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Is that you, Eliza? (She +listens for the answer.) Not out of bed yet! Go and pull her out +by the heels, the lazy sthreel; and tell her her mother wants to +speak to her very particularly about General Mitchener. (To +Mitchener.) Dont you be afeard: I know youre sane enough when +youre not talkin about the Germans. (Into the telephone.) Is that +you, Eliza? (She listens for the answer.) Dye remember me givin +you a clout on the side of the head for tellin me that if I only +knew how to play me cards I could marry any general on the staff +instead o disgracin you be bein a charwoman? (She listens for the +answer.) Well, I can have General Mitchener without playing any +cards at all. What dye think I ought to say? (She listens.) Well, +Im no chicken myself. (To Mitchener.) How old are you? + +MITCHENER (with an effort). Fifty-two. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). He says hes fifty-two. (She +listens; then, to Mitchener.) She says youre down in Who's Who as +sixty-one. + +MITCHENER. Damn Who's Who. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Anyhow I wouldnt let that +stand in the way. (She listens.) If I really WHAT? (She +listens.)I cant hear you. If I really WHAT? (She listens.) WHO +druv him? I never said a word to-- Eh? (She listens.) Oh, LOVE +him. Arra dont be a fool, child. (To Mitchener.) She wants to +know do I really love you.(Into the telephone.) Its likely indeed +Id frighten the man off with any such nonsense, at my age. What? +(She listens.) Well, thats just what I was thinkin. + +MITCHENER. May I ask what you were thinking, Mrs. Farrell? This +suspense is awful. + +MRS. FARRELL. I was thinkin that perhaps the Duchess might like +her daughter-in-law's mother to be a General's lady betther than +to be a charwoman. (Into the telephone.) Waitle youre married +yourself, me fine lady: you'll find out that every woman is a +charwoman from the day shes married. (She listens.) Then you +think I might take him? (She listens.) Glang, you young scald: if +I had you here Id teach you manners. (She listens.) Thats enough +now. Back wid you to bed; and be thankful Im not there to put me +slipper across you. (She rings off.) The impudence! (To +Mitchener.) Bless you, me childher, may you be happy, she says. +(To Balsquith, going to his side of the room.) Give dear, old +Mich me love, she says. + +The Orderly opens the door, ushering in Lady Corinthia. + +THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe to speak to you, sir. + +LADY CORINTHIA. General Mitchener: your designs on Mrs. Banger +are defeated. She is engaged to General Sandstone. Do you still +prefer her to me? + +MRS. FARRELL. Hes out o the hunt. Hes engaged to me. + +The Orderly overcome by this news reels from the door to the +standing desk, and clutches the stool to save himself from +collapsing. + +MITCHENER. And extremely proud of it, Lady Corinthia. + +LADY CORINTHIA (contemptuously). She suits you exactly. (Coming +to Balsquith.) Mr. Balsquith: you at least, are not a Philistine. + +BALSQUITH. No, Lady Corinthia; but Im a confirmed bachelor. I +don't want a wife; but I want an Egeria. + +MRS. FARRELL. More shame for you. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Silence, woman. The position and functions of a +wife may suit your gross nature. An Egeria is exactly what I +desire to be. (To Balsquith.) Can you play accompaniments? + +BALSQUITH. Melodies only, I regret to say. With one finger. But +my brother, who is a very obliging fellow, and not unlike me +personally, is acquainted with three chords, with which he +manages to accompany most of the comic songs of the day. + +LADY CORINTHIA. I do not sing comic songs. Neither will you when +I am your Egeria. Come. I give a musical at-home this afternoon. +I will allow you to sit at my feet. + +BALSQUITH. That is my ideal of romantic happiness. It commits me +exactly as far as I desire to venture. Thank you. + +THE ORDERLY. Wot price me, General? Wont you celebrate your +engagement by doing something for me? Maynt I be promoted to be a +sergeant. + +MITCHENER. Youre too utterly incompetent to discharge the duties +of a sergeant. You are only fit to be a lieutenant. I shall +recommend you for a commission. + +THE ORDERLY. Hooray! The Parkinsons of Stepney will be proud to +have me call on them now. Ill go and tell the sergeant what I +think of him. Hooray! (He rushes out.) + +MRS. FARRELL (going to the door and calling after him.) You might +have the manners to shut the door idther you. (She shuts it and +comes between Mitchener and Lady Corinthia.) + +MITCHENER. Poor wretch; the day after civil rights are conceded +to the army he and Chubbs-Jenkinson will be found incapable of +maintaining discipline. They will be sacked and replaced by +really capable men. Mrs. Farrell: as we are engaged, and I am +anxious to do the correct thing in every way, I am quite willing +to kiss you if you wish it. + +MRS. FARRELL. Youd only feel like a fool; and so would I. + +MITCHENER. You are really the most sensible woman. Ive made an +extremely wise choice. + +LADY CORINTHIA (To Balsquith). You may kiss my hand, if you wish. + +BALSQUITH (cautiously). I think we had better not commit +ourselves too far. If I might carry your parasol, that would +quite satisfy me. Let us change a subject which threatens to +become embarrassing. (To Mitchener.) The moral of the occasion +for you, Mitchener, appears to be that youve got to give up +treating soldiers as if they were schoolboys. + +MITCHENER. The moral for you, Balsquith, is that youve got to +give up treating women as if they were angels. Ha ha! + +MRS. FARRELL. Its a mercy youve found one another out at last. +That's enough now. + +CURTAIN + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Press Cuttings, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRESS CUTTINGS *** + +This file should be named prsct10.txt or prsct10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, prsct11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, prsct10a.txt + +Etext prepared by Eve Sobol, South Bend, Indiana, USA + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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