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diff --git a/5723.txt b/5723.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fd774d --- /dev/null +++ b/5723.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2058 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Press Cuttings, by George Bernard Shaw + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Press Cuttings + +Author: George Bernard Shaw + +Release Date: May, 2004 [EBook #5723] +Posting Date: May 28, 2009 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRESS CUTTINGS *** + + + + +Produced by Eve Sobol + + + + + +PRESS CUTTINGS + +Bernard Shaw + +1913 + + + +TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: The edition from which this etext was taken lacks +contractions, so it reads dont for don't and Ill for I'll, for example. +The play has been reproduced exactly as printed. + + + +The forenoon of the first of April, 1911. + +General Mitchener is at his writing table in the War Office, opening +letters. On his left is the fireplace, with a fire burning. On his +right, against the opposite wall is a standing desk with an office +stool. The door is in the wall behind him, half way between the table +and the desk. The table is not quite in the middle of the room: it is +nearer to the hearthrug than to the desk. There is a chair at each end +of it for persons having business with the general. There is a telephone +on the table. Long silence. + +A VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + +The General starts convulsively; snatches a revolver from a drawer, +and listens in an agony of apprehension. Nothing happens. He puts the +revolver back, ashamed; wipes his brow; and resumes his work. He +is startled afresh by the entry of an Orderly. This Orderly is an +unsoldierly, slovenly, discontented young man. + +MITCHENER. Oh, it's only you. Well? + +THE ORDERLY. Another one, sir. Shes chained herself. + +MITCHENER. Chained herself? How? To what? Weve taken away the railings +and everything that a chain can be passed through. + +THE ORDERLY. We forgot the doorscraper, sir. She laid down on the flags +and got the chain through before she started hollerin. Shes lying there +now; and she says that youve got the key of the padlock in a letter in a +buff envelope, and that you will see her when you open it. + +MITCHENER. Shes mad. Have the scraper dug up and let her go home with it +hanging round her neck. + +THE ORDERLY. Theres a buff envelope there, sir. + +MITCHENER. Youre all afraid of these women (picking the letter up). It +does seem to have a key in it. (He opens the letter, and takes out a key +and a note.) "Dear Mitch"--Well, I'm dashed! + +THE ORDERLY. Yes Sir. + +MITCHENER. What do you mean by Yes Sir? + +THE ORDERLY. Well, you said you was dashed, Sir; and you did look if +youll excuse my saying it, Sir--well, you looked it. + +MITCHENER (who has been reading the letter, and is too astonished to +attend to the Orderlys reply). This is a letter from the Prime Minister +asking me to release the woman with this key if she padlocks herself, +and to have her shown up and see her at once. + +THE ORDERLY (tremulously). Dont do it, governor. + +MITCHENER (angrily). How often have I ordered you not to address me as +governor. Remember that you are a soldier and not a vulgar civilian. +Remember also that when a man enters the army he leaves fear behind him. +Heres the key. Unlock her and show her up. + +THE ORDERLY. Me unlock her! I dursent. Lord knows what she'd do to me. + +MITCHENER (pepperily, rising). Obey your orders instantly, Sir, and dont +presume to argue. Even if she kills you, it is your duty to die for your +country. Right about face. March. (The Orderly goes out, trembling.) + +THE VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for Women! + +MITCHENER (mimicking her). Votes for Women! Votes for Women! Votes for +Women! (in his natural voice) Votes for children! Votes for babies! +Votes for monkeys! (He posts himself on the hearthrug, and awaits the +enemy.) + +THE ORDERLY (outside). In you go. (He pushes a panting Suffraget into +the room.) The person sir. (He withdraws.) + +The Suffraget takes off her tailor made skirt and reveals a pair of +fashionable trousers. + +MITCHENER (horrified). Stop, madam. What are you doing? You must not +undress in my presence. I protest. Not even your letter from the Prime +Minister-- + +THE SUFFRAGET. My dear Mitchener: I AM the Prime Minister. (He tears off +his hat and cloak; throws them on the desk; and confronts the General in +the ordinary costume of a Cabinet minister.) + +MITCHENER. Good heavens! Balsquith! + +BALSQUITH (throwing himself into Mitchener's chair). Yes: it is indeed +Balsquith. It has come to this: that the only way that the Prime +Minister of England can get from Downing Street to the War Office is +by assuming this disguise; shrieking "VOTES for Women"; and chaining +himself to your doorscraper. They were at the corner in force. They +cheered me. Bellachristina herself was there. She shook my hand and told +me to say I was a vegetarian, as the diet was better in Holloway for +vegetarians. + +MITCHENER. Why didnt you telephone? + +BALSQUITH. They tap the telephone. Every switchboard in London is in +their hands or in those of their young men. + +MITCHENER. Where on Earth did you get that dress? + +BALSQUITH. I stole it from a little Exhibition got up by my wife in +Downing Street. + +MITCHENER. You dont mean to say its a French dress? + +BALSQUITH. Great Heavens, no. My wife isnt allowed even to put on her +gloves with French chalk. Everything labelled Made in Camberwell. She +advised me to come to you. And what I have to say must be said here to +you personally, in the most intimate confidence, with the most urgent +persuasion. Mitchener: Sandstone has resigned. + +MITCHENER (amazed). Old Red resigned! + +BALSQUITH. Resigned. + +MITCHENER. But how? Why? Oh, impossible! the proclamation of martial law +last Tuesday made Sandstone virtually Dictator in the metropolis, and to +resign now is flat desertion. + +BALSQUITH. Yes, yes, my dear Mitchener; I know all that as well as you +do: I argued with him until I was black in the face and he so red +about the neck that if I had gone on he would have burst. He is furious +because we have abandoned his plan. + +MITCHENER. But you accepted it unconditionally. + +BALSQUITH. Yes, before we knew what it was. It was unworkable, you know. + +MITCHENER. I dont know. Why is it unworkable? + +BALSQUITH. I mean the part about drawing a cordon round Westminster at a +distance of two miles; and turning all women out of it. + +MITCHENER. A masterpiece of strategy. Let me explain. The Suffragets are +a very small body; but they are numerous enough to be troublesome--even +dangerous--when they are all concentrated in one place--say in +Parliament Square. But by making a two-mile radius and pushing them +beyond it, you scatter their attack over a circular line twelve miles +long. A superb piece of tactics. Just what Wellington would have done. + +BALSQUITH. But the women wont go. + +MITCHENER. Nonsense: they must go. + +BALSQUITH. They wont. + +MITCHENER. What does Sandstone say? + +BALSQUITH. He says: Shoot them down. + +MITCHENER. Of course. + +BALSQUITH. Youre not serious? + +MITCHENER. Im perfectly serious. + +BALSQUITH. But you cant shoot them down! Women, you know! + +MITCHENER (straddling confidently). Yes you can. Strange as it may seem +to you as a civilian, Balsquith, if you point a rifle at a woman and +fire it, she will drop exactly as a man drops. + +BALSQUITH. But suppose your own daughters--Helen and Georgina. + +MITCHENER. My daughters would not dream of disobeying the proclamation. +(As an after thought.) At least Helen wouldnt. + +BALSQUITH. But Georgina? + +MITCHENER. Georgina would if she knew shed be shot if she didnt. Thats +how the thing would work. Military methods are really the most merciful +in the end. You keep sending these misguided women to Holloway and +killing them slowly and inhumanely by ruining their health; and it does +no good: they go on worse than ever. Shoot a few, promptly and humanely; +and there will be an end at once of all resistance and of all the +suffering that resistance entails. + +BALSQUITH. But public opinion would never stand it. + +MITCHENER (walking about and laying down the law). Theres no such thing +as public opinion. + +BALSQUITH. No such thing as public opinion!! + +MITCHENER. Absolutely no such thing as public opinion. There are certain +persons who entertain certain opinions. Well, shoot them down. When you +have shot them down, there are no longer any persons entertaining those +opinions alive: consequently there is no longer any more of the public +opinion you are so much afraid of. Grasp that fact, my dear Balsquith; +and you have grasped the secret of government. Public opinion is mind. +Mind is inseparable from matter. Shoot down the matter and you kill the +mind. + +BALSQUITH. But hang it all-- + +MITCHENER (intolerantly). No I wont hang it all. It's no use coming +to me and talking about public opinion. You have put yourself into the +hands of the army; and you are committed to military methods. And the +basis of all military methods is that when people wont do what they are +told to do, you shoot them down. + +BALSQUITH. Oh, yes; it's all jolly fine for you and Old Red. You dont +depend on votes for your places. What do you suppose will happen at the +next election? + +MITCHENER. Have no next election. Bring in a Bill at once repealing +all the reform Acts and vesting the Government in a properly trained +magistracy responsible only to a Council of War. It answers perfectly in +India. If anyone objects, shoot him down. + +BALSQUITH. But none of the members of my party would be on the Council +of War. Neither should I. Do you expect us to vote for making ourselves +nobodies? + +MITCHENER. You'll have to, sooner or later, or the Socialists will make +nobodies of the lot of you by collaring every penny you possess. Do you +suppose this damned democracy can be allowed to go on now that the mob +is beginning to take it seriously and using its power to lay hands on +property? Parliament must abolish itself. The Irish parliament voted for +its own extinction. The English parliament will do the same if the same +means are taken to persuade it. + +BALSQUITH. That would cost a lot of money. + +MITCHENER. Not money necessarily. Bribe them with titles. + +BALSQUITH. Do you think we dare? + +MITCHENER (scornfully). Dare! Dare! What is life but daring, man? "To +dare, to dare, and again to dare"-- + +WOMAN'S VOICE OUTSIDE. Votes for Women! + +Mitchener, revolver in hand, rushes to the door and locks it. Balsquith +hides under the table. + +A shot is heard. + +BALSQUITH (emerging in the greatest alarm). Good heavens, you havent +given orders to fire on them have you? + +MITCHENER. No; but its a sentinel's duty to fire on anyone who persists +in attempting to pass without giving the word. + +BALSQUITH (wiping his brow). This military business is really awful. + +MITCHENER. Be calm, Balsquith. These things must happen; they save +bloodshed in the long run, believe me. Ive seen plenty of it; and I +know. + +BALSQUITH. I havent; and I dont know. I wish those guns didnt make such +a devil of a noise. We must adopt Maxim's Silencer for the army rifles +if we are going to shoot women. I really couldnt stand hearing it. + +Some one outside tries to open the door and then knocks. + +MITCHENER and BALSQUITH. Whats that? + +MITCHENER. Whos there? + +THE ORDERLY. It's only me, governor. Its all right. + +MITCHENER (unlocking the door and admitting the Orderly, who comes +between them). What was it? + +THE ORDERLY. Suffraget, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Did the sentry shoot her? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir: she shot the sentry. + +BALSQUITH (relieved). Oh: is that all? + +MITCHENER (most indignantly). All? A civilian shoots down one of His +Majesty's soldiers on duty; and the Prime Minister of England asks Is +that all? Have you no regard for the sanctity of human life? + +BALSQUITH (much relieved). Well, getting shot is what a soldier is for. +Besides, he doesnt vote. + +MITCHENER. Neither do the Suffragets. + +BALSQUITH. Their husbands do. (To the Orderly.) By the way, did she kill +him? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. He got a stinger on his trousers, Sir; but it +didnt penetrate. He lost his temper a bit and put down his gun and +clouted her head for her. So she said he was no gentleman; and we let +her go, thinking she'd had enough, Sir. + +MITCHENER (groaning). Clouted her head! These women are making the +army as lawless as themselves. Clouted her head indeed! A purely civil +procedure. + +THE ORDERLY. Any orders, Sir? + +MITCHENER. No. Yes. No. Yes: send everybody who took part in this +disgraceful scene to the guardroom. No. Ill address the men on the +subject after lunch. Parade them for that purpose--full kit. Don't grin +at me, Sir. Right about face. March. (The Orderly obeys and goes out.) + +BALSQUITH (taking Mitchener affectionately by the arm and walking him +persuasively to and fro). And now, Mitchener, will you come to the +rescue of the Government and take the command that Old Red has thrown +up? + +MITCHENER. How can I? You know that the people are devoted heart and +soul to Sandstone. He is only bringing you "on the knee," as we say in +the army. Could any other living man have persuaded the British nation +to accept universal compulsory military service as he did last year? +Why, even the Church refused exemption. He is supreme--omnipotent. + +BALSQUITH. He WAS, a year ago. But ever since your book of reminiscences +went into two more editions than his, and the rush for it led to the +wrecking of the Times Book Club, you have become to all intents and +purposes his senior. He lost ground by saying that the wrecking was got +up by the booksellers. It showed jealousy: and the public felt it. + +MITCHENER. But I cracked him up in my book--you see I could do no less +after the handsome way he cracked me up in his--and I cant go back on it +now. (Breaking loose from Balsquith.) No: its no use, Balsquith: he can +dictate his terms to you. + +BALSQUITH. Not a bit of it. That affair of the curate-- + +MITCHENER (impatiently). Oh, damn that curate. Ive heard of nothing but +that wretched mutineer for a fortnight past. He is not a curate: whilst +he is serving in the army he is a private soldier and nothing else. I +really havent time to discuss him further. Im busy. Good morning. (He +sits down at his table and takes up his letters.) + +BALSQUITH (near the door). I am sorry you take that tone, Mitchener. +Since you do take it, let me tell you frankly that I think Lieutenant +Chubbs-Jenkinson showed a great want of consideration for the Government +in giving an unreasonable and unpopular order, and bringing compulsory +military service into disrepute. When the leader of the Labor Party +appealed to me and to the House last year not to throw away all the +liberties of Englishmen by accepting universal Compulsory military +service without insisting on full civil rights for the soldier-- + +MITCHENER. Rot. + +BALSQUITH. --I said that no British officer would be capable of abusing +the authority with which it was absolutely necessary to invest him. + +MITCHENER. Quite right. + +BALSQUITH. That carried the House and carried the country-- + +MITCHENER. Naturally. + +BALSQUITH. --And the feeling was that the Labor Party were soulless +cads. + +MITCHENER. So they are. + +BALSQUITH. And now comes this unmannerly young whelp Chubbs-Jenkinson, +the only son of what they call a soda king, and orders a curate to lick +his boots. And when the curate punches his head, you first sentence him +to be shot; and then make a great show of clemency by commuting it to a +flogging. What did you expect the curate to do? + +MITCHENER (throwing down his pen and his letters and jumping up to +confront Balsquith). His duty was perfectly simple. He should have +obeyed the order; and then laid his complaint against the officer in +proper form. He would have received the fullest satisfaction. + +BALSQUITH. What satisfaction? + +MITCHENER. Chubbs-Jenkinson would have been reprimanded. In fact, he +WAS reprimanded. Besides, the man was thoroughly insubordinate. You +cant deny that the very first thing he did when they took him down after +flogging him was to walk up to Chubbs-Jenkinson and break his jaw. That +showed there was no use flogging him; so now he will get two years hard +labor; and serve him right. + +BALSQUITH. I bet you a guinea he wont get even a week. I bet you another +that Chubbs-Jenkinson apologizes abjectly. You evidently havent heard +the news. + +MITCHENER. What news? + +BALSQUITH. It turns out that the curate is well connected. (Mitchener +staggers at the shock. Speechless he contemplates Balsquith with a wild +and ghastly stare; then reels into his chair and buries his face in his +hands over the blotter. Balsquith continues remorselessly, stooping +over him to rub it in.) He has three aunts in the peerage; and Lady +Richmond's one of them; (Mitchener utters a heartrending groan) and +they all adore him. The invitations for six garden parties and fourteen +dances have been cancelled for all the subalterns in Chubbs's regiment. +Is it possible you havent heard of it? + +MITCHENER. Not a word. + +BALSQUITH (shaking his head). I suppose nobody dared to tell you. (He +sits down carelessly on Mitchener's right.) + +MITCHENER. What an infernal young fool Chubbs-Jenkinson is, not to know +the standing of his man better! Why didnt he know? It was his business +to know. He ought to be flogged. + +BALSQUITH. Probably he will be, by the other subalterns. + +MITCHENER. I hope so. Anyhow, out he goes! Out of the army! He or I. + +BALSQUITH. His father has subscribed a million to the party funds. We +owe him a peerage. + +MITCHENER. I dont care. + +BALSQUITH. I do. How do you think parties are kept up? Not by the +subscriptions of the local associations, I hope. They dont pay for the +gas at the meetings. + +MITCHENER. Man; can you not be serious? Here are we, face to face with +Lady Richmond's grave displeasure; and you talk to me about gas and +subscriptions. Her own nephew. + +BALSQUITH (gloomily). Its unfortunate. He was at Oxford with Bobby +Bassborough. + +MITCHENER. Worse and worse. What shall we do? + +Balsquith shakes his head. They contemplate one another in miserable +silence. + +A VOICE WITHOUT. Votes for Women! Votes for Women! + +A terrific explosion shakes the building--they take no notice. + +MITCHENER (breaking down). You dont know what this means to me, +Balsquith. I love the army. I love my country. + +BALSQUITH. It certainly is rather awkward. + +The Orderly comes in. + +MITCHENER (angrily). What is it? How dare you interrupt us like this? + +THE ORDERLY. Didnt you hear the explosion, Sir? + +MITCHENER. Explosion. What explosion? No: I heard no explosion: I have +something more serious to attend to than explosions. Great Heavens: Lady +Richmond's nephew has been treated like any common laborer; and while +England is reeling under the shock a private comes in and asks me if I +heard an explosion. + +BALSQUITH. By the way, what was the explosion? + +THE ORDERLY. Only a sort of bombshell, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Bombshell! + +THE ORDERLY. A pasteboard one, Sir. Full of papers with Votes for +Women in red letters. Fired into the yard from the roof of the Alliance +Office. + +MITCHENER. Pooh! Go away. Go away. + +The Orderly, bewildered, goes out. + +BALSQUITH. Mitchener: you can save the country yet. Put on your +full-dress uniform and your medals and orders and so forth. Get a guard +of honor--something showy--horse guards or something of that sort; and +call on the old girl-- + +MITCHENER. The old girl? + +BALSQUITH. Well, Lady Richmond. Apologize to her. Ask her leave to +accept the command. Tell her that youve made the curate your adjutant or +your aide-de-camp or whatever is the proper thing. By the way, what can +you make him? + +MITCHENER. I might make him my chaplain. I dont see why I shouldnt have +a chaplain on my staff. He showed a very proper spirit in punching that +young cub's head. I should have done the same myself. + +BALSQUITH. Then Ive your promise to take command if Lady Richmond +consents? + +MITCHENER. On condition that I have a free hand. No nonsense about +public opinion or democracy. + +BALSQUITH. As far as possible, I think I may say yes. + +MITCHENER (rising intolerantly and going to the hearthrug). That wont do +for me. Dont be weak-kneed, Balsquith. You know perfectly well that the +real government of this country is and always must be the government of +the masses by the classes. You know that democracy is damned nonsense, +and that no class stands less of it than the working class. You know +that we are already discussing the steps that will have to be taken if +the country should ever be face to face with the possibility of a +Labor majority in parliament. You know that in that case we should +disfranchise the mob, and, if they made a fuss, shoot them down. You +know that if we need public opinion to support us, we can get any +quantity of it manufactured in our papers by poor devils of journalists +who will sell their souls for five shillings. You know-- + +BALSQUITH. Stop. Stop, I say. I dont know. That is the difference +between your job and mine, Mitchener. After twenty years in the army a +man thinks he knows everything. After twenty months in the Cabinet he +knows that he knows nothing. + +MITCHENER. We learn from history-- + +BALSQUITH. We learn from history that men never learn anything from +history. Thats not my own: its Hegel. + +MITCHENER. Whos Hegel? + +BALSQUITH. Dead. A German philosopher. (He half rises, but recollects +something and sits down again.) Oh confound it: that reminds me. The +Germans have laid down four more Dreadnoughts. + +MITCHENER. Then you must lay down twelve. + +BALSQUITH. Oh yes: its easy to say that: but think of what theyll cost. + +MITCHENER. Think of what it would cost to be invaded by Germany and +forced to pay an indemnity of five hundred millions. + +BALSQUITH. But you said that if you got compulsory military service +there would be an end of the danger of invasion. + +MITCHENER. On the contrary, my dear fellow, it increases the danger +tenfold, because it increases German jealousy of our military supremacy. + +BALSQUITH. After all, why should the Germans invade us? + +MITCHENER. Why shouldnt they? What else has their army to do? What else +are they building a navy for? + +BALSQUITH. Well, we never think of invading Germany. + +MITCHENER. Yes we do. I have thought of nothing else for the last ten +years. Say what you will, Balsquith, the Germans have never recognized, +and until they get a stern lesson, they never WILL recognize, the plain +fact that the interests of the British Empire are paramount, and that +the command of the sea belongs by nature to England. + +BALSQUITH. But if they wont recognize it, what can I do? + +MITCHENER. Shoot them down. + +BALSQUITH. I cant shoot them down. + +MITCHENER. Yes you can. You dont realize it; but if you fire a rifle +into a German he drops just as surely as a rabbit does. + +BALSQUITH But dash it all, man, a rabbit hasnt got a rifle and a German +has. Suppose he shoots you down. + +MITCHENER. Excuse me, Balsquith; but that consideration is what we call +cowardice in the army. A soldier always assumes that he is going to +shoot, not to be shot. + +BALSQUITH (jumping up and walking about sulkily). Oh come! I like to +hear you military people talking of cowardice. Why, you spend your lives +in an ecstasy of terror of imaginary invasions. I dont believe you ever +go to bed without looking under it for a burglar. + +MITCHENER (calmly). A very sensible precaution, Balsquith. I always take +it. And in consequence Ive never been burgled. + +BALSQUITH. Neither have I. Anyhow dont you taunt me with cowardice. (He +posts himself on the hearthrug beside Mitchener on his left.) I never +look under my bed for a burglar. Im not always looking under the +nation's bed for an invader. And if it comes to fighting Im quite +willing to fight without being three to one. + +MITCHENER. These are the romantic ravings of a Jingo civilian, +Balsquith. At least youll not deny that the absolute command of the sea +is essential to our security. + +BALSQUITH. The absolute command of the sea is essential to the security +of the principality of Monaco. But Monaco isnt going to get it. + +MITCHENER. And consequently Monaco enjoys no security. What a frightful +thing! How do the inhabitants sleep with the possibility of invasion, +of bombardment, continually present to their minds? Would you have our +English slumbers broken in the same way? Are we also to live without +security? + +BALSQUITH (dogmatically). Yes. Theres no such thing as security in the +world: and there never can be as long as men are mortal. England will be +secure when England is dead, just as the streets of London will be +safe when there is no longer a man in her streets to be run over, or a +vehicle to run over him. When you military chaps ask for security you +are crying for the moon. + +MITCHENER (very seriously). Let me tell you, Balsquith, that in these +days of aeroplanes and Zeppelin airships, the question of the moon is +becoming one of the greatest importance. It will be reached at no +very distant date. Can you as an Englishman, tamely contemplate the +possibility of having to live under a German moon? The British flag +must be planted there at all hazards. + +BALSQUITH. My dear Mitchener, the moon is outside practical politics. Id +swop it for a cooling station tomorrow with Germany or any other Power +sufficiently military in its way of thinking to attach any importance to +it. + +MITCHENER (losing his temper). You are the friend of every country but +your own. + +BALSQUITH. Say nobodys enemy but my own. It sounds nicer. You really +neednt be so horribly afraid of the other countries. Theyre all in the +same fix as we are. Im much more interested in the death rate in Lambeth +than in the German fleet. + +MITCHENER. You darent say that in Lambeth. + +BALSQUITH. Ill say it the day after you publish your scheme for invading +Germany and repealing all the reform Acts. + +The Orderly comes in. + +MITCHENER. What do you want? + +THE ORDERLY. I dont want anything, Governor, thank you. The secretary +and president of the Anti-Suffraget League say they had an appointment +with the Prime Minister, and that theyve been sent on here from Downing +Street. + +BALSQUITH (going to the table). Quite right. I forgot them. (To +Mitchener.) Would you mind my seeing them here? I feel extraordinarily +grateful to these women for standing by us and facing the suffragets, +especially as they are naturally the gentler and timid sort of women. +(The Orderly moans.) Did you say anything? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. + +BALSQUITH. Did you catch their names. + +THE ORDERLY. Yes, Sir. The president is Lady Corinthia Fanshawe; and the +secretary is Mrs. Banger. + +MITCHENER (abruptly). Mrs. what? + +THE ORDERLY. Mrs. Banger. + +BALSQUITH. Curious that quiet people always seem to have violent names. + +THE ORDERLY. Not much quiet about her, sir. + +MITCHENER (outraged). Attention. Speak when youre spoken to. Hold your +tongue when youre not. Right about face. March. (The Orderly obeys.) +Thats the way to keep these chaps up to the mark. (The Orderly returns.) +Back again! What do you mean by this mutiny? + +THE ORDERLY. What am I to say to the ladies, sir? + +BALSQUITH. You dont mind my seeing them somewhere, do you? + +MITCHENER. Not at all. Bring them in to see me when youve done with +them: I understand that Lady Corinthia is a very fascinating woman. Who +is she, by the way? + +BALSQUITH. Daughter of Lord Broadstairs, the automatic turbine man. Gave +quarter of a million to the party funds. Shes musical and romantic and +all that--dont hunt: hates politics: stops in town all the year round: +one never sees her anywhere except at the opera and at musical at-homes +and so forth. + +MITCHENER. What a life! Still, if she wants to see me I dont mind. (To +the Orderly.) Where are the ladies? + +THE ORDERLY. In No. 17, Sir. + +MITCHENER. Show Mr. Balsquith there. And send Mrs. Farrell here. + +THE ORDERLY (calling into the corridor). Mrs. Farrell! (To Balsquith.) +This way sir. (He goes out with Balsquith.) + +Mrs. Farrell, a lean, highly respectable Irish Charwoman of about 50 +comes in. + +MITCHENER. Mrs. Farrell: Ive a very important visit to pay: I shall want +my full dress uniform and all my medals and orders and my presentation +sword. There was a time when the British Army contained men capable of +discharging these duties for their commanding officer. Those days are +over. The compulsorily enlisted soldier runs to a woman for everything. +Im therefore reluctantly obliged to trouble you. + +MRS FARRELL. Your meddles n ordhers n the crooked sword with the ivory +handle n your full dress uniform is in the waxworks in the Chamber o +Military Glory over in the place they used to call the Banquetin Hall. +I told you youd be sorry for sendin them away; n you told me to mind me +own business. Youre wiser now. + +MITCHENER. I am. I had not at that time discovered that you were the +only person in the whole military establishment of this capital who +could be trusted to remember where anything was, or to understand an +order and obey it. + +MRS. FARRELL. Its no good flattherin me. Im too old. + +MITCHENER. Not at all, Mrs. Farrell. How is your daughter? + +MRS. FARRELL. Which daughther. + +MITCHENER. The one who has made such a gratifying success in the Music +Halls. + +MRS. FARRELL. Theres no music halls nowadays: theyre Variety Theatres. +Shes got an offer of marriage from a young jook. + +MITCHENER. Is it possible? What did you do? + +MRS. FARRELL. I told his mother on him. + +MITCHENER. Oh! what did she say? + +MRS. FARRELL. She was as pleased as Punch. Thank Heaven, she says, hes +got somebody thatll be able to keep him when the supertax is put up to +twenty shillings in the pound. + +MITCHENER. But your daughter herself? What did she say? + +MRS. FARRELL. Accepted him, of course. What else would a young fool like +her do? He inthrojooced her to the Poet Laureate, thinking shed inspire +him. + +MITCHENER. Did she? + +MRS. FARRELL. Faith I dunna. All I know is she walked up to him as bold +as brass n said "Write me a sketch, dear." Afther all the trouble I took +with that chills manners shes no more notion how to behave herself than +a pig. Youll have to wear General Sandstones uniform: its the ony one in +the place, because he wont lend it to the shows. + +MITCHENER. But Sandstones clothes wont fit me. + +MRS. FARRELL (unmoved). Then youll have to fit THEM. Why shouldnt they +fitcha as well as they fitted General Blake at the Mansion House? + +MITCHENER. They didnt fit him. He looked a frightful guy. + +MRS. FARRELL. Well, you must do the best you can with them. You cant +exhibit your clothes and wear them too. + +MITCHENER. And the public thinks the lot of a commanding officer a happy +one! Oh, if they could only see the seamy side of it. (He returns to his +table to resume work.) + +MRS. FARRELL. If they could only see the seamy side of General +Sandstones uniform, where his flask rubs agen the buckle of his braces, +theyll tell him he ought to get a new one. Let alone the way he swears +at me. + +MITCHENER. When a man has risked his life on eight battlefields, Mrs. +Farrell, he has given sufficient proof of his self-control to be excused +a little strong language. + +MRS. FARRELL. Would you put up with bad language from me because Ive +risked my life eight times in childbed? + +MITCHENER. My dear Mrs. Farrell, you surely would not compare a risk of +that harmless domestic kind to the fearful risks of the battlefield? + +MRS. FARRELL. I wouldnt compare risks run to bear living people into the +world to risks run to blow them out of it. A mother's risk is jooty: a +soldier's nothin but divilmint. + +MITCHENER (nettled). Let me tell you, Mrs. Farrell, that if the men did +not fight, the women would have to fight themselves. We spare you that, +at all events. + +MRS. FARRELL. You cant help yourselves. If three-quarters of you was +killed we could replace you with the help of the other quarter. If +three-quarters of us was killed, how many people would there be in +England in another generation? If it wasnt for that, the man d put the +fightin on us just as they put all the other dhrudgery. What would YOU +do if we was all kilt? Would you go to bed and have twins? + +MITCHENER. Really, Mrs. Farrell, you must discuss these questions with a +medical man. You make me blush, positively. + +MRS. FARRELL. A good job too. If I could have made Farrell blush I +wouldnt have had to risk me life too often. You n your risks n your +bravery n your selfcontrol indeed! "Why don't you conthrol yourself?" I +sez to Farrell. "Its agen me religion," he sez. + +MITCHENER (plaintively). Mrs. Farrell, youre a woman of very powerful +mind. Im not qualified to argue these delicate matters with you. I ask +you to spare me, and to be good enough to take these clothes to Mr. +Balsquith when the ladies leave. + +The Orderly comes in. + +THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe and Mrs. Banger wish to see you, +sir. Mr. Balsquith told me to tell you. + +MRS. FARRELL. Theyve come about the vote. I dont know whether its them +that want it or them that doesnt want it: anyhow, they're all alike +when they get into a state about it. (She goes out, having gathered +Balsquith's suffraget disguise from the desk.) + +MITCHENER. Is Mr. Balsquith not with them? + +THE ORDERLY. No, Sir. Couldnt stand Mrs. Banger, I expect. Fair caution +she is. (He chuckles.) Couldnt help larfin when I sor im op it. + +MITCHENER. How dare you indulge in this unseemly mirth in the presence +of your commanding officer? Have you no sense of a soldier's duty? + +THE ORDERLY (sadly). Im afraid I shant ever get the ang of it, sir. You +see my father has a tidy little barbers business down off Shoreditch; +and I was brought up to be chatty and easy like with everybody. I tell +you, when I drew the number in the conscription it gave my old mother +the needle and it gev me the ump. I should take it very kind, sir, if +youd let me off the drill and let me shave you instead. Youd appreciate +my qualities then: you would indeed sir. I shant never do myself justice +at soljering, sir: I cant bring myself to think of it as proper work +for a man with an active mind, as you might say, sir. Arf of its only +ousemaidin; and the other arf is dress-up and make-believe. + +MITCHENER. Stuff, Sir. Its the easiest life in the world. Once you +learn your drill all you have to do is to hold your tongue and obey your +orders. + +THE ORDERLY. But I do assure you, sir, arf the time they're the wrong +orders; and I get into trouble when I obey them. The sergeants orders is +all right; but the officers dont know what theyre talkin about. Why the +orses knows better sometimes. "Fours" says Lieutenant Trevor at the +gate of Bucknam Palace only this morning when we was on duty for a State +visit to the Coal Trust. I was fourth man like in the first file; +and when I started the orse eld back; and the sergeant was on to me +straight. Threes, you bally fool, he whispers. And he was on to me again +about it when we came back, and called me a fathead, he did. What am I +to do, I says: the lieutenant's orders was fours, I says. Ill show you +whos lieutenant here, e says. In future you attend to my orders and not +to iz, e says: what does he know about it? You didnt give me any orders, +I says. Couldnt you see for yourself there wasnt room for fours, e says: +why cant you THINK? General Mitchener tells me Im not to think but to +obey orders, I says. Is Mitchener your sergeant or am I, e says in his +bullyin way. You are, I says. Well, he says, youve got to do what your +sergeant tells you: thats discipline, he says. What am I to do for the +General I says. Youre to let im talk, e says: thats what es for. + +MITCHENER (groaning). It is impossible for the human mind to conceive +anything more dreadful than this. Youre a disgrace to the service. + +THE ORDERLY (deeply wounded). The service is a disgrace to me. When my +mother's people pass me in the street with this uniform on, I ardly know +which way to look. There never was a soldier in my family before. + +MITCHENER. There never was anything else in mine, sir. + +THE ORDERLY. My mother's second cousin was one of the Parkinsons of +Stepney. (Almost in tears.) What do you know of the feelings of a +respectable family in the middle station of life? I cant bear to be +looked down on as a common soldier. Why cant my father be let buy +my discharge? Youve done away with the soldier's right to have his +discharge bought for him by his relations. The country didnt know you +were going to do that or it would never have stood it. Is an Englishman +to be made a mockery like this? + +MITCHENER. Silence. Attention. Right about face. March. + +THE ORDERLY (retiring to the standing desk and bedewing it with +passionate tears). Oh that I should have lived to be spoke to as if I +was the lowest of the low. Me! that has shaved a City of London aldermen +wiv me own hand. + +MITCHENER. Poltroon. Crybaby. Well, better disgrace yourself here than +disgrace your country on the field of battle. + +THE ORDERLY (angrily coming to the table). Whos going to disgrace +his country on the field of battle? Its not fightin I object to: its +soljerin. Show me a German and Ill have a go at him as fast as you or +any man. But to ave me time wasted like this, an be stuck in a sentry +box at a street corner for an ornament to be stared at; and to be told +"right about face: march" if I speak as one man to another: that aint +pluck: that aint fightin: that aint patriotism: its bein made a bloomin +sheep of. + +MITCHENER. A sheep has many valuable military qualities. Emulate them: +dont disparage them. + +THE ORDERLY. Oh, wots the good of talkin to you? If I wasnt a poor +soldier I could punch your head for forty shillins for a month. But +because youre my commanding officer you deprive me of my right to a +magistrate and make a compliment of giving me two years ard sted of +shootin me. Why cant you take your chance the same as any civilian does? + +MITCHENER (rising majestically). I search the pages of history in vain +for a parallel to such a speech made by a Private to a general. But for +the coherence of your remarks I should conclude that you were drunk. +As it is, you must be mad. You shall be placed under restraint at once. +Call the guard. + +THE ORDERLY. Call your grandmother. If you take one man off the doors +the place'll be full of Suffragets before you can wink. + +MITCHENER. Then arrest yourself; and off with you to the guardroom. + +THE ORDERLY. What am I to arrest myself for? + +MITCHENER. Thats nothing to you. You have your orders: obey them. Do you +hear? Right about face. March. + +THE ORDERLY. How would you feel yourself if you was told to +right-about-face and march as if you was a doormat? + +MITCHENER. I should feel as if my country had spoken through the voice +of my officer. I should feel proud and honored to be able to serve +my country by obeying its commands. No thought of self--no vulgar +preoccupation with my own petty vanity could touch my mind at such a +moment. To me my officer would not be a mere man: he would be for the +moment--whatever his personal frailties--the incarnation of our national +destiny. + +THE ORDERLY. What Im saying to you is the voice of old England a jolly +sight more than all this rot that you get out of books. Id rather be +spoke to by a sergeant than by you. He tells me to go to hell when +I challenges him to argue it out like a man. It aint polite; but its +English. What you say aint anything at all. You dont act on it yourself. +You dont believe in it. Youd punch my head if I tried it on you; and +serve me right. And look here. Heres another point for you to argue. + +MITCHENER (with a shriek of protest). No-- + +Mrs. Banger comes in, followed by Lady Corinthia Fanshawe. + +Mrs. Banger is a masculine woman of forty, with a powerful voice and +great physical strength. Lady Corinthia, who is also over thirty, is +beautiful and romantic. + +MRS. BANGER (throwing the door open decisively and marching straight to +Michener). Pray how much longer is the Anti-Suffrage League to be kept +waiting? (She passes him contemptuously and sits down with impressive +confidence in the chair next the fireplace. Lady Corinthia takes the +chair on the opposite side of the table with equal aplomb.) + +MITCHENER. Im extremely sorry. You really do not know what I have to put +with. This imbecile, incompetent, unsoldierly disgrace to the uniform +he should never have been allowed to put on, ought to have shown you in +fifteen minutes ago. + +THE ORDERLY. All I said was-- + +MITCHENER. Not another word. Attention. Right about face. March. (The +Orderly sits down doggedly.) Get out of the room this instant, you fool, +or Ill kick you out. + +THE ORDERLY (civilly). I dont mind that, sir. Its human. Its English. +Why couldnt you have said it before? (He goes out). + +MITCHENER. Take no notice I beg: these scenes are of daily occurrence +now that we have compulsory service under the command of the halfpenny +papers. Pray sit down. + +LADY CORINTHIA AND MRS. BANGER (rising). Thank you. (They sit down +again.) + +MITCHENER (sitting down with a slight chuckle of satisfaction). And now, +ladies, to what am I indebted? + +MRS. BANGER. Let me introduce us. I am Rosa Carmina Banger--Mrs. +Banger, organizing secretary of the Anti-Suffraget League. This is +Lady Corinthia Fanshawe, the president of the League, known in musical +circles--I am not myself musical--as the Richmond Park nightingale. A +soprano. I am myself said to be almost a baritone; but I do not profess +to understand these dis-tinctions. + +MITCHENER (murmuring politely). Most happy, Im sure. + +MRS. BANGER. We have come to tell you plainly that the Anti-Suffragets +are going to fight. + +MITCHENER (gallantly). Oh, pray leave that to the men, Mrs. Banger. + +LADY CORINTHIA. We can no longer trust the men. + +MRS. BANGER. They have shown neither the strength, the courage, nor the +determination which are needed to combat women like the Suffragets. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Nature is too strong for the combatants. + +MRS. BANGER. Physical struggles between persons of opposite sexes are +unseemly. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Demoralizing. + +MRS. BANGER. Insincere. + +LADY CORINTHIA. They are merely embraces in disguise. + +MRS. BANGER. No such suspicion can attach to combats in which the +antagonists are of the same sex. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The Anti-Suffragets have resolved to take the field. + +MRS. BANGER. They will enforce the order of General Sandstone for the +removal of all women from the two mile radius--that is, all women except +themselves. + +MITCHENER. I am sorry to have to inform you, Madam, that the Government +has given up that project, and that General Sandstone has resigned in +consequence. + +MRS. BANGER. That does not concern us in the least. We approve of the +project and will see that it is carried out. We have spent a good deal +of money arming ourselves; and we are not going to have that money +thrown away through the pusillanimity of a Cabinet of males. + +MITCHENER. Arming yourselves! But, my dear ladies, under the latest +proclamation women are strictly forbidden to carry chains, padlocks, +tracts on the franchise, or weapons of any description. + +LADY CORINTHIA (producing an ivory-handled revolver and pointing it at +his nose). You little know your countrywomen, General Mitchener. + +MITCHENER (without flinching). Madam: it is my duty to take possession +of that weapon in accordance with the proclamation. Be good enough to +put it down. + +MRS. BANGER (producing an XVIII century horse pistol). Is it your duty +to take possession of this also? + +MITCHENER. That, madam, is not a weapon; it is a curiosity. If you would +be kind enough to place it in some museum instead of pointing it at my +head, I should be obliged to you. + +MRS. BANGER. This pistol, sir, was carried at Waterloo by my +grandmother. + +MITCHENER. I presume you mean your grandfather. + +MRS. BANGER. You presume unwarrantably. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Mrs. Banger's grandmother commanded a canteen at that +celebrated battle. + +MRS. BANGER. Who my grandfather was is a point that has never been quite +clearly settled. I put my trust not in my ancestors, but in my good +sword, which is at my lodgings. + +MITCHENER. Your sword! + +MRS. BANGER. The sword with which I slew five Egyptians with my own hand +at Kassassin, where I served as a trooper. + +MITCHENER. Lord bless me! But was your sex never discovered? + +MRS. BANGER. It was never even suspected. I had a comrade--a gentleman +ranker--whom they called Fanny. They never called ME Fanny. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The suffragets have turned the whole woman movement on +to the wrong track. They ask for a vote. + +MRS. BANGER. What use is a vote? Men have the vote. + +LADY CORINTHIA. And men are slaves. + +MRS. BANGER. What women need is the right to military service. Give me a +well-mounted regiment of women with sabres, opposed to a regiment of men +with votes. We shall see which will go down before the other. (rises) +No: we have had enough of these gentle pretty creatures who merely talk +and cross-examine ministers in police courts, and go to prison like +sheep, and suffer and sacrifice themselves. This question must be solved +by blood and iron, as was well said by Bismarck, whom I have reason to +believe was a woman in disguise. + +MITCHENER. Bismarck a woman? + +MRS. BANGER. All the really strong men of history have been disguised +women. + +MITCHENER (remonstrating). My dear lady! + +MRS. BANGER. How can you tell? You never knew that the hero of the +charge at Kassassin was a woman: yet she was: it was I, Rosa Carmina +Banger. Would Napoleon have been so brutal to women, think you, had he +been a man? + +MITCHENER. Oh, come, come! Really! Surely female rulers have often shown +all the feminine weaknesses. Queen Elizabeth, for instance. Her vanity, +her levity. + +MRS. BANGER. Nobody who has studied the history of Queen Elizabeth can +doubt for a moment that she was a disguised man. + +LADY CORINTHIA (admiring Mrs. Banger). Isnt she splendid? + +MRS. BANGER (rising with a large gesture). This very afternoon I shall +cast off this hampering skirt for ever; mount my charger; and with my +good sabre lead the Anti-Suffragets to victory. (She strides to the +other side of the room, snorting.) + +MITCHENER. But I cant allow anything of the sort, madam. I shall stand +no such ridiculous nonsense. Im perfectly determined to put my foot +down. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Dont be hysterical, General. + +MITCHENER. Hysterical! + +MRS. BANGER. Do you think we are to be stopped by these childish +exhibitions of temper. They are useless; and your tears and +entreaties--a man's last resource--will avail you just as little. +I sweep them away, just as I sweep your plans of campaign "made in +Germany--" + +MITCHENER (flying into a transport of rage). How dare you repeat +that infamous slander? (He rings the bell violently.) If this is the +alternative to votes for women, I shall advocate giving every woman in +the country six votes. + +The Orderly comes in. + +Remove that woman. See that she leaves the building at once. + +The Orderly forlornly contemplates the iron front presented by Mrs. +Banger. + +THE ORDERLY (propitiatorily). Would you av the feelin art to step out, +madam. + +MRS. BANGER. You are a soldier. Obey your orders. Put me out. If I got +such an order, I should not hesitate. + +THE ORDERLY (To Mitchener). Would you mind lendin me a and, Guvner? + +LADY CORINTHIA (raising her revolver). I shall be obliged to shoot you +if you stir, General. + +MRS. BANGER (To the Orderly). When you are ordered to put a person out +you should do it like this. (She hurls him from the room. He is heard +falling headlong downstairs and crashing through a glass door.) I shall +now wait on General Sandstone. If he shows any sign of weakness, he +shall share that poor wretch's fate. (She goes out.) + +LADY CORINTHIA. Isnt she magnificent? + +MITCHENER. Thank heaven shes gone. And now, my dear lady, is it +necessary to keep that loaded pistol to my nose all through our +conversation? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Its not loaded. Its heavy enough, goodness knows, +without putting bullets in it. + +MITCHENER (triumphantly snatching his revolver from the drawer). Then I +am master of the situation. This IS loaded. Ha, ha! + +LADY CORINTHIA. But since we are not really going to shoot one another, +what difference can it possibly make? + +MITCHENER (putting his pistol down on the table). True. Quite true. I +recognize there the practical good sense that has prevented you from +falling into the snares of the Suffragets. + +LADY CORINTHIA. The Suffragets, General, are the dupes of dowdies. A +really attractive and clever woman-- + +MITCHENER (gallantly). Yourself, for instance. + +LADY CORINTHIA (snatching up his revolver). Another step and you are a +dead man. + +MITCHENER (amazed). My dear lady! + +LADY CORINTHIA. I am not your dear lady. You are not the first man who +has concluded that because I am devoted to music and can reach F flat +with the greatest facility--Patti never got above E flat--I am marked +out as the prey of every libertine. You think I am like the thousands of +weak women whom you have ruined-- + +MITCHENER. I solemnly protest-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Oh, I know what you officers are. To you a woman's honor +is nothing, and the idle pleasure of the moment is everything. + +MITCHENER. This is perfectly ridiculous. I never ruined anyone in my +life. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Never! Are you in earnest? + +MITCHENER. Certainly I am in earnest. Most indignantly in earnest. + +LADY CORINTHIA (throwing down the pistol contemptuously). Then you have +no temperament; you are not an artist. You have no soul for music. + +MITCHENER. Ive subscribed to the regimental band all my life. I bought +two sarrusophones for it out of my own pocket. When I sang Tosti's +Goodbye for Ever at Knightsbridge in 1880, the whole regiment wept. You +are too young to remember that. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Your advances are useless. I-- + +MITCHENER. Confound it, madam, can you not receive an innocent +compliment without suspecting me of dishonorable intentions? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Love--real love--makes all intentions honorable. But YOU +could never understand that. + +MITCHENER. Ill not submit to the vulgar penny-novelette notion that an +officer is less honorable than a civilian in his relations with women. +While I live Ill raise my voice-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Tush! + +MITCHENER. What do you mean by tush? + +LADY CORINTHIA. You cant raise your voice above its natural compass. +What sort of voice have you? + +MITCHENER. A tenor. What sort had you? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Had? I have it still. I tell you I am the highest living +soprano. (Scornfully.) What was your highest note, pray? + +MITCHENER. B flat--once--in 1879. I was drunk at the time. + +LADY CORINTHIA (gazing at him almost tenderly). Though you may not +believe me, I find you are more interesting when you talk about music +than when you are endeavoring to betray a woman who has trusted you by +remaining alone with you in your apartment. + +MITCHENER (springing up and fuming away to the fireplace). These +repeated insults to a man of blameless life are as disgraceful to you +as they are undeserved by me, Lady Corinthia. Such suspicions invite the +conduct they impute. (She raises the pistol.) You need not be alarmed: I +am only going to leave the room. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Fish. + +MITCHENER. Fish! This is worse than tush. Why fish? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Yes, fish: coldblooded fish. + +MITCHENER. Dash it all, madam, do you WANT me to make advances to you? + +LADY CORINTHIA. I have not the slightest intention of yielding to them; +but to make them would be a tribute to romance. What is life without +romance? + +MITCHENER (making a movement toward her). I tell you-- + +LADY CORINTHIA. Stop. No nearer. No vulgar sensuousness. If you must +adore, adore at a distance. + +MITCHENER. This is worse than Mrs. Banger. I shall ask that estimable +woman to come back. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Poor Mrs. Banger! Do not for a moment suppose, General +Mitchener, that Mrs. Banger represents my views on the suffrage +question. Mrs. Banger is a man in petticoats. I am every inch a woman; +but I find it convenient to work with her. + +MITCHENER. Do you find the combination comfortable? + +LADY CORINTHIA. I do not wear combinations, General: (with dignity) they +are unwomanly. + +MITCHENER (throwing himself despairingly into the chair next the +hearthrug). I shall go mad. I never for a moment dreamt of alluding to +anything of the sort. + +LADY CORINTHIA. There is no need to blush and become self-conscious at +the mention of underclothing. You are extremely vulgar, General. + +MITCHENER. Lady Corinthia: you have my pistol. Will you have the +goodness to blow my brains out. I should prefer it to any further effort +to follow the gyrations of the weathercock you no doubt call your mind. +If you refuse, then I warn you that youll not get another word out of +me--not if we sit here until doomsday. + +LADY CORINTHIA. I dont want you to talk. I want you to listen. You do +not yet understand my views on the question of the Suffrage. (She rises +to make a speech.) I must preface my remarks by reminding you that the +Suffraget movement is essentially a dowdy movement. The suffragets are +not all dowdies; but they are mainly supported by dowdies. Now I am not +a dowdy. Oh, no compliments-- + +MITCHENER. I did not utter a sound. + +LADY CORINTHIA (smiling). It is easy to read your thoughts. I am one +of those women who are accustomed to rule the world through men. Man is +ruled by beauty, by charm. The men who are not have no influence. The +Salic Law, which forbade women to occupy a throne, is founded on the +fact that when a woman is on the throne the country is ruled by men, and +therefore ruled badly; whereas when a man is on the throne, the country +is ruled by women, and therefore ruled well. The suffragets would +degrade women from being rulers to being voters, mere politicians, +the drudges of the caucus and the polling booth. We should lose our +influence completely under such a state of affairs. The New Zealand +women have the vote. What is the result? No poet ever makes a New +Zealand woman his heroine. One might as well be romantic about New +Zealand mutton. Look at the suffragets themselves. The only ones who are +popular are the pretty ones, who flirt with mobs as ordinary women flirt +with officers. + +MITCHENER. Then I understand you to hold that the country should be +governed by the women after all. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Not by all the women. By certain women. I had almost +said by one woman. By the women who have charm--who have artistic +talent--who wield a legitimate, a refining influence over the men. +(She sits down gracefully, smiling, and arranging her draperies with +conscious elegance.) + +MITCHENER. In short, madam, you think that if you give the vote to the +man, you give the power to the women who can get round the man. + +LADY CORINTHIA. That is not a very delicate way of putting it; but I +suppose that is how you would express what I mean. + +MITCHENER. Perhaps youve never had any experience of garrison life. +If you had, you'd have noticed that the sort of woman who is clever at +getting round men is sometimes rather a bad lot. + +LADY CORINTHIA. What do you mean by a bad lot? + +MITCHENER. I mean a woman who would play the very devil if the +other women didnt keep her in pretty strict order. I dont approve of +democracy, because its rot; and Im against giving the vote to women +because Im not accustomed to it and therefore am able to see with an +unprejudiced eye what infernal nonsense it is. But I tell you plainly, +Lady Corinthia, that there is one game that I dislike more than either +Democracy or Votes For Women: and that is the game of Antony and +Cleopatra. If I must be ruled by women, let me have decent women and +not--well, not the other sort. + +LADY CORINTHIA. You have a coarse mind, General Mitchener. + +MITCHENER. So has Mrs. Banger. And by George! I prefer Mrs. Banger to +you! + +LADY CORINTHIA (bounding to her feet.) You prefer Mrs. Banger to me!!! + +MITCHENER. I do. You said yourself she was splendid. + +LADY CORINTHIA. You are no true man. You are one of those unsexed +creatures who have no joy in life, no sense of beauty, no high notes. + +MITCHENER. No doubt I am, Madam. As a matter of fact, I am not clever at +discussing public questions, because, as an English gentleman, I was not +brought up to use my brains. But occasionally, after a number of remarks +which are perhaps sometimes rather idiotic, I get certain convictions. +Thanks to you, I have now got a conviction that this woman question is +not a question of lovely and accomplished females, but of dowdies. The +average Englishwoman is a dowdy and never has half a chance of becoming +anything else. She hasnt any charm; and she has no high notes except +when shes giving her husband a piece of her mind, or calling down the +street for one of the children. + +LADY CORINTHIA. How disgusting! + +MITCHENER. Somebody must do the dowdy work! If we had to choose between +pitching all the dowdies into the Thames and pitching all the lovely and +accomplished women, the lovely ones would have to go. + +LADY CORINTHIA. And if you had to do without Wagner's music or do +without your breakfast, you would do without Wagner. Pray does that make +eggs and bacon more precious than music, or the butcher and baker better +than the poet and philosopher? The scullery may be more necessary to our +bare existence than the cathedral. Even humbler apartments might make +the same claim. But which is the more essential to the higher life? + +MITCHENER. Your arguments are so devilishly ingenious that I feel +convinced you got them out of some confounded book. Mine--such as they +are--are my own. I imagine its something like this. There is an old +saying that if you take care of the pence, the pounds will take care +of themselves. Well, perhaps if we take care of the dowdies and the +butchers and the bakers, the beauties and the bigwigs will take care of +themselves. (Rising and facing her determinedly.) Anyhow, I dont want to +have things arranged for me by Wagner. Im not Wagner. How does he know +where the shoe pinches me? How do you know where the shoe pinches your +washerwoman?--you and your high F in alt. How are you to know when you +havent made her comfortable unless she has a vote? Do you want her to +come and break your windows? + +LADY CORINTHIA. Am I to understand that General Mitchener is a democrat +and a suffraget? + +MITCHENER. Yes: you have converted me--you and Mrs. Banger. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Farewell, creature. (Balsquith enters hurriedly.) Mr. +Balsquith: I am going to wait on General Sandstone. He at least is an +officer and a gentleman. (She sails out.) + +BALSQUITH. Mitchener: the game is up. + +MITCHENER. What do you mean? + +BALSQUITH. The strain is too much for the Cabinet. The old Liberal +and Unionist Free Traders declare that if they are defeated on their +resolution to invite tenders from private contractors for carrying on +the Army and Navy, they will go solid for votes for women as the only +means of restoring the liberties of the country which we have destroyed +by compulsory military service. + +MITCHENER. Infernal impudence? + +BALSQUITH. The Labor party is taking the same line. They say the men got +the Factory Acts by hiding behind the women's petticoats, and that they +will get votes for the army in the same way. + +MITCHENER. Balsquith: we must not yield to clamor. I have just told this +lady that I am at last convinced-- + +BALSQUITH (joyfully). That the suffragets must be supported. + +MITCHENER. No: that the anti-suffragets must be put down at all hazards. + +BALSQUITH. Same thing. + +MITCHENER. No. For you now tell me that the Labor Party demands votes +for women. That makes it impossible to give them, because it would be +yielding to clamor. The one condition on which we can consent to grant +anything in this country is that nobody shall presume to want it. + +BALSQUITH (earnestly). Mitchener: its no use. You cant have the +conveniences of Democracy without its occasional inconveniences. + +MITCHENER. What are its conveniences, I should like to know? + +BALSQUITH. When you tell people that they are the real rulers and they +can do what they like, nine times out of ten, they say, "All right, tell +us what to do." But it happens sometimes that they get an idea of their +own; and then of course youre landed. + +MITCHENER. Sh-- + +BALSQUITH (desperately shouting him down). No: its no use telling me to +shoot them down: Im not going to do it. After all, I dont suppose votes +for women will make much difference. It hasnt in the other countries in +which it has been tried. + +MITCHENER. I never supposed it would make much difference. What I cant +stand is giving in to that Pankhurst lot. Hang it all, Balsquith, it +seems only yesterday that we put them in quod for a month. I said at the +time that it ought to have been ten years. If my advice had been taken +this wouldnt have happened. Its a consolation to me that events are +proving how thoroughly right I was. + +The Orderly rushes in. + +THE ORDERLY. Look ere, sir: Mrs. Banger locked the door of General +Sandstone's room on the inside; and shes sitting on his ead until he +signs a proclamation for women to serve in the army. + +MITCHENER. Put your shoulder to the door and burst it open. + +THE ORDERLY. Its only in story books that doors burst open as easy as +that. Besides, Im only too thankful to have a locked door between me and +Mrs. B.; and so is all the rest of us. + +MITCHENER. Cowards. Balsquith: to the rescue! (He dashes out.) + +BALSQUITH (ambling calmly to the hearth). This is the business of the +Sergeant at Arms rather than of the leader of the House. Theres no use +in my tackling Mrs. Banger: she would only sit on my head too. + +THE ORDERLY. You take my tip, Mr. Balsquith. Give the women the vote and +give the army civil rights; and av done with it. + +Mitchener returns. + +MITCHENER. Balsquith: prepare to hear the worst. + +BALSQUITH. Sandstone is no more? + +MITCHENER. On the contrary, he is particularly lively. He has softened +Mrs. Banger by a proposal of marriage in which he appears to be +perfectly in earnest. He says he has met his ideal at last, a really +soldierly woman. She will sit on his head for the rest of his life; and +the British Army is now to all intents and purposes commanded by Mrs. +Banger. When I remonstrated with Sandstone she positively shouted +"Right-about-face. March" at me in the most offensive tone. If she hadnt +been a woman I should have punched her head. I precious nearly punched +Sandstone's. The horrors of martial law administered by Mrs. Banger are +too terrible to be faced. I demand civil rights for the army. + +THE ORDERLY (chuckling). Wot oh, General! Wot oh! + +MITCHENER. Hold your tongue. (He goes to the door and calls.) Mrs. +Farrell! (Returning, and again addressing the Orderly.) Civil rights +don't mean the right to be uncivil. (Pleased with his own wit.) Almost a +pun. Ha ha! + +MRS. FARRELL. Whats the matther now? (She comes to the table.) + +MITCHENER (to the Orderly). I have private business with Mrs. Farrell. +Outside, you infernal blackguard. + +THE ORDERLY (arguing, as usual). Well, I didnt ask to--(Mitchener seizes +him by the nape; rushes him out; and slams the door). + +MITCHENER. Excuse the abruptness of this communication, Mrs. Farrell; +but I know only one woman in the country whose practical ability and +force of character can maintain her husband in competition with the +husband of Mrs. Banger. I have the honor to propose for your hand. + +MRS. FARRELL. Dye mean you want to marry me? + +MITCHENER. I do. + +MRS. FARRELL. No thank you. Id have to work for you just the same; only +I shouldnt get any wages for it. + +BALSQUITH. That will be remedied when women get the vote. Ive had to +promise that. + +MITCHENER (winningly). Mrs. Farrell: you have been charwoman here now +ever since I took up my duties. Have you really never, in your more +romantic moments, cast a favorable eye on my person? + +MRS. FARRELL. Ive been too busy casting an unfavorable eye on your cloze +and on the litther you make with your papers. + +MITCHENER (wounded). Am I to understand that you refuse me? + +MRS. FARRELL. Just wait a bit. (She takes Mitchener's chair and rings up +the telephone.) Double three oh seven Elephant. + +MITCHENER. I trust youre not ringing for the police, Mrs. Farrell. I +assure you Im perfectly sane. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for +the answer.) Not out of bed yet! Go and pull her out by the heels, +the lazy sthreel; and tell her her mother wants to speak to her very +particularly about General Mitchener. (To Mitchener.) Dont you be +afeard: I know youre sane enough when youre not talkin about the +Germans. (Into the telephone.) Is that you, Eliza? (She listens for the +answer.) Dye remember me givin you a clout on the side of the head for +tellin me that if I only knew how to play me cards I could marry any +general on the staff instead o disgracin you be bein a charwoman? (She +listens for the answer.) Well, I can have General Mitchener without +playing any cards at all. What dye think I ought to say? (She listens.) +Well, Im no chicken myself. (To Mitchener.) How old are you? + +MITCHENER (with an effort). Fifty-two. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). He says hes fifty-two. (She listens; +then, to Mitchener.) She says youre down in Who's Who as sixty-one. + +MITCHENER. Damn Who's Who. + +MRS. FARRELL (into the telephone). Anyhow I wouldnt let that stand in +the way. (She listens.) If I really WHAT? (She listens.)I cant hear you. +If I really WHAT? (She listens.) WHO druv him? I never said a word +to-- Eh? (She listens.) Oh, LOVE him. Arra dont be a fool, child. (To +Mitchener.) She wants to know do I really love you.(Into the telephone.) +Its likely indeed Id frighten the man off with any such nonsense, at my +age. What? (She listens.) Well, thats just what I was thinkin. + +MITCHENER. May I ask what you were thinking, Mrs. Farrell? This suspense +is awful. + +MRS. FARRELL. I was thinkin that perhaps the Duchess might like her +daughter-in-law's mother to be a General's lady betther than to be a +charwoman. (Into the telephone.) Waitle youre married yourself, me fine +lady: you'll find out that every woman is a charwoman from the day shes +married. (She listens.) Then you think I might take him? (She listens.) +Glang, you young scald: if I had you here Id teach you manners. (She +listens.) Thats enough now. Back wid you to bed; and be thankful Im not +there to put me slipper across you. (She rings off.) The impudence! +(To Mitchener.) Bless you, me childher, may you be happy, she says. (To +Balsquith, going to his side of the room.) Give dear, old Mich me love, +she says. + +The Orderly opens the door, ushering in Lady Corinthia. + +THE ORDERLY. Lady Corinthia Fanshawe to speak to you, sir. + +LADY CORINTHIA. General Mitchener: your designs on Mrs. Banger are +defeated. She is engaged to General Sandstone. Do you still prefer her +to me? + +MRS. FARRELL. Hes out o the hunt. Hes engaged to me. + +The Orderly overcome by this news reels from the door to the standing +desk, and clutches the stool to save himself from collapsing. + +MITCHENER. And extremely proud of it, Lady Corinthia. + +LADY CORINTHIA (contemptuously). She suits you exactly. (Coming to +Balsquith.) Mr. Balsquith: you at least, are not a Philistine. + +BALSQUITH. No, Lady Corinthia; but Im a confirmed bachelor. I don't want +a wife; but I want an Egeria. + +MRS. FARRELL. More shame for you. + +LADY CORINTHIA. Silence, woman. The position and functions of a wife may +suit your gross nature. An Egeria is exactly what I desire to be. (To +Balsquith.) Can you play accompaniments? + +BALSQUITH. Melodies only, I regret to say. With one finger. But my +brother, who is a very obliging fellow, and not unlike me personally, is +acquainted with three chords, with which he manages to accompany most of +the comic songs of the day. + +LADY CORINTHIA. I do not sing comic songs. Neither will you when I am +your Egeria. Come. I give a musical at-home this afternoon. I will allow +you to sit at my feet. + +BALSQUITH. That is my ideal of romantic happiness. It commits me exactly +as far as I desire to venture. Thank you. + +THE ORDERLY. Wot price me, General? Wont you celebrate your engagement +by doing something for me? Maynt I be promoted to be a sergeant. + +MITCHENER. Youre too utterly incompetent to discharge the duties of a +sergeant. You are only fit to be a lieutenant. I shall recommend you for +a commission. + +THE ORDERLY. Hooray! The Parkinsons of Stepney will be proud to have +me call on them now. Ill go and tell the sergeant what I think of him. +Hooray! (He rushes out.) + +MRS. FARRELL (going to the door and calling after him.) You might have +the manners to shut the door idther you. (She shuts it and comes between +Mitchener and Lady Corinthia.) + +MITCHENER. Poor wretch; the day after civil rights are conceded to the +army he and Chubbs-Jenkinson will be found incapable of maintaining +discipline. They will be sacked and replaced by really capable men. Mrs. +Farrell: as we are engaged, and I am anxious to do the correct thing in +every way, I am quite willing to kiss you if you wish it. + +MRS. FARRELL. Youd only feel like a fool; and so would I. + +MITCHENER. You are really the most sensible woman. Ive made an extremely +wise choice. + +LADY CORINTHIA (To Balsquith). You may kiss my hand, if you wish. + +BALSQUITH (cautiously). I think we had better not commit ourselves too +far. If I might carry your parasol, that would quite satisfy me. Let us +change a subject which threatens to become embarrassing. (To Mitchener.) +The moral of the occasion for you, Mitchener, appears to be that youve +got to give up treating soldiers as if they were schoolboys. + +MITCHENER. The moral for you, Balsquith, is that youve got to give up +treating women as if they were angels. Ha ha! + +MRS. FARRELL. Its a mercy youve found one another out at last. That's +enough now. + +CURTAIN + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Press Cuttings, by George Bernard Shaw + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PRESS CUTTINGS *** + +***** This file should be named 5723.txt or 5723.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/5/7/2/5723/ + +Produced by Eve Sobol + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. 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