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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bb1c4e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #55946 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/55946) diff --git a/old/55946-0.txt b/old/55946-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 528f73e..0000000 --- a/old/55946-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2777 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 16, -January, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 16, January, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: November 12, 2017 [EBook #55946] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPT BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1921 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 16, January, 1921 - - - - -_Keep On Keepin’ On_ - - - If the day looks kinder gloomy - And chances kinder slim, - If the situation’s puzzlin’ - And the prospect’s awful grim; - And perplexities keep pressin’-- - If hope is nearly gone, - Jest bristle up and grit your teeth - And keep on keepin’ on. - - --_Whiz Bang Bill._ - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - OUR MOTTO: - - “_Make It Snappy_” - - January, 1921 Vol. II. No. 16 - - Published Monthly by - W. H. Fawcett, - Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the post office at - Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - _Price 25 cents_ _$2.50 per year_ - - “_We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is - loyalty to the American People._”--_Theodore Roosevelt._ - - Copyright 1921 - By W. H. Fawcett - - [Illustration] - - _Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated - to the fighting forces of the United States._ - - - - -_History Up-to-Date_ - - _Now that the British are agitating for a change in the - American history text books, which, they charge, inculcates our - future generations with prejudice against the original mother - country, and the anti-British are crying for more, let’s fit-in - with something in keeping with the spirit of the age. Let’s - introduce a history lesson that is guaranteed to interest the - shimmy-shaking school children of this great and glorious jazz - age. Therefore, we offer for your approval, Professor Brenton’s - “History Up-to-date.”_ - -By W. H. BRENTON - - -Things started off wrong in the beginning when Adam had to give up one -of his ribs for Eve, but in spite of this, he, like a game sport, tipped -his fig leaf to her upon their first introduction. All ran smoothly until -Eve raised Cain, and thus our ancestors (after the monkeys) kept up a -constant increase until Noah got inside dope about the flood, whereupon -he built the Ark. - -Our troubles might have been relegated to the word finis, but Noah stuck -up a good old boat and saved his wife, his animals, and their wives. -Then Nero played havoc with Rome and made the fiddle famous as the city -burned. We’ve been fiddling ever since. - -Job next started showing his rights with the off shoots of the chosen -people and they said they would stone him to death if he didn’t stop. He -came right back by saying, “If you do I’ll turn my bears loose and they -will eat you.” The people did, Job did and the bears did. Then Job was -King. - -I’d like to take some of your time and present the argument between -Anthony and Cleopatra, but there was so little between them that it is -hardly worth while. - -In the days when Cleopatra and Anthony were such good friends, Anthony -had just won a big battle and he sent his runners to Cleopatra to tell -her to doll up in her glad rags and they would go out stepping. On the -way to her flat he met his runners returning. They announced, “Oh, Kind -Sir: Cleopatra is down with Tonsilitis.” - -“Darn those Greeks,” said Anthony, “I shall declare war on Athens -tomorrow.” - -Henry Ford started one thing that he played wrong (his cars play good -tunes though), when he decided to end the World’s War by taking a lot -of men and old maids to France and Germany. If he’d taken some of -Ziegfield’s chorus girls the war would have been over and President -Wilson would still have been a great man. Just march those girls up No -Man’s land, and there would have been so many soldiers following them -that a Burroughs adding machine couldn’t count them in the time it takes -light to travel from the Sun to Jupiter. Army recruiting stations would -have been as popular as senators’ cellars, and the sentiment between -the two would have been much stronger than the antagonism between the -Bolshevists and the anti-saloon league. But here we are presenting this -valuable dope several years too late. Tell your children about it, and -they can stop the next war though (if the pretty girls aren’t all dead). - -Then a bunch of senators, with big cellars and stills in their attics, -passed a law that the combination of wine, women and song must be reduced -to women and song. Suppose we substitute nut-sundays, women and song. -Substitute your eye, we’ll just play the two undeceased members of the -combination a little stronger, unless we get into some senator’s cellar. - -Don’t cry, little children, the war is over, and so is a lot of your -money, but Uncle Sam will make a lot more, and the Brigadier Generals and -the movie actors will get it. - -At present we can assume that this is the Movie Age and Out-rage. We walk -right past a speech made by the President or some other vote-made man, -and several miles to see “Doug” Fairbanks skin his shins by walking up -the side of a seven-story building on his hands or to see Charlie Chaplin -swing a broom at the villain and hit the Queen of Russia, who is dressed -in sackcloth and ashes because of the murder of her last thirty-three -husbands. - -Movie actors are all right, though. Why, they make more money than we -ever hear about. Figures compiled by the Secretary of the Treasury show -that a man and wife and family of seventeen children and pets, could -live on what Mary Pickford spends for silk stockings, but that is the -reason we go to the movies, says the henpecked man as his wife drags -him home to their little boiler factory where rolling pins are used as -sledgehammers. - -If prices keep increasing and clothes decreasing, we will be restricted -as to the number of leaves we can wear, and they will be fastened to our -shivering yet magnanimous anatomy with paper fasteners of the Henry Ford -type. Shimmying will then be automatically abandoned, while courting will -only take place over the telephone. When we think of Theda Bara it will -be as a heavily clad woman. - -Just one thing further, and that is, if this world keeps increasing its -speed as it has in the past, our heads will be going so fast that they -will look like fish bowls. Everything will just work backwards, our nose -will run and our feet smell. Just now we’re traveling so fast that our -hip pockets dip sand as we go around corners, and our feet come up so -often that people will think we are laying down. Put on your brakes, dear -old United Statesers, and let’s slow down to 100 per, or we’ll skid into -Mexico. - - * * * * * - -You Win Rubber Pajamas - -Lecturer (in a loud voice)--I venture to assert there isn’t a man in this -audience who has ever done anything to prevent the destruction of our -vast forests. - -Man in the audience (timidly)--I’ve shot woodpeckers. - - * * * * * - -January First - -The other day Adam approached Peter at the pearly gates and said: - -“I should very much like, Peter, to get a pass the first of the year to -revisit my old haunts on earth.” - -“Nothing doing, Adam. You started too much trouble down there when you -were a young man.” - -“Aw, Pete, be a good sport and let me go.” - -“What do you want to go down there for anyhow?” - -“I want to turn over a new leaf.” - - * * * * * - -Gus, our hired man, one of those lucky birds that had imbibed rather too -freely of the sacred liquid, had fallen into a watering trough. When I -tried to help him as he floundered about, he said: “Offzer, I ken save -m’self, you save the womin’n shildern.” - - * * * * * - -If You Look That Way - -It’s oft been said that woman is a mystery to us that we will never -quite see through, no matter how we fuss. It’s said that woman is a book -forever closed to man, though now and then she condescends slightly to -lift the ban. It’s oft been said we cannot hope to fathom womankind and -to that fact the other sex might well make up its mind. But we have -called the libel out and dragged it in the dirt. We see right through her -now with ease--thanks to the modern skirt. - - - - -Movie Skeletons - - _America is blessed with a flock of motion picture magazines, - some of them with real stories of the public performances of the - screen folk, and some of them a collection of press agent yarns - at so-much per column. The Whiz Bang won’t invade their sacred - field. We’ll bar the press agents and, instead, will endeavor - to give our readers some inside dope direct from Hollywood and - Universal City, written by our own staff author whose position - within the sacred circle at Hollywood makes it necessary for him - to transcribe under the nom de plume of “Richmond.” All right, - director, let ’er shoot--_ - -By RICHMOND - - -=Reel One.= At last hearing “Doug” Fairbanks and Mary Pickford were -living here happily in their little grey home in the west, on top of a -big Beverly hill. Every day or so appears a dispatch that the Nevada -authorities intend to dissolve the partnership but this is taken to be -the final, spasmodic throb of a dying determination. - -Doug thinks he’s married to Mary. Mary believes she is married to Doug. -Owen Moore, Mary’s former hubby, is quite certain he isn’t married to -Mary and what the state of Nevada thinks isn’t causing any particular -excitement. If Nevada proved a convenient place to arrange the legal -break and figures her dear judges or lawmakers were slip-shoddy she -should get some new judges and lawmakers. What is done is done. - -=Reel Two.= Recent presentation of the new Griffith play, “Way Down -East,” caused a laughable situation for those who were aware of the -facts. The laughable situation did not get into the newspapers because -some of our very best families would have suffered humiliation. It -appears that “D. W.” issued several invitations to prominent society -women for the opening night, as his “guests”--though he was in New York. - -What a flurry and flutter there was among the high-brows when they -learned that the invites had gone out. Who had been asked? It did not -occur to the high-brow ladies that D. W. Griffith is truly the master -mind of pictures and that his use of Mrs. Belmont in the picture was -smart bait to draw society. Mrs. Belmont really didn’t have much to do -but appear in an up-to-date gown and give Lillian Gish a haughty look. - -But society here went daffy when it became known that some society women -had been invited by Mr. Griffith’s representatives, while others had not. -Immediately there was a buzz of phones and considerable indignation, -denouncements and heart-burnings seared the wires. “How came it that Mrs. -Such and So had been invited and ‘I’ have not? It reflects upon my social -standing.” - -How crafty old D. W. must have grinned as the reports went into him -of the society ladies’ wrath. For lack of brains, poise and downright -self-respect society women cart off the well known cake. Newspaper women -laughed themselves sick at the coy admissions discreetly tendered them -that “Oh, by the way, Mr. Griffith sent me a personal invitation to be -present at the opening of ‘Way Down East.’” It possibly is stretching it -to say that the paper gals laughed themselves sick. They have become so -used to such situations that they scarcely laugh at all. They just grin -and “bear it”--and proceed openly to kid society in the papers without -society apparently becoming the wiser. - -It is almost pitiable to watch fair and heavy matrons, who have done -well, raising a family or starting one, long for a chance to see -themselves upon the screen. They gaze upon Lillian Gish as some ravishly -blessed mortal lifted by the Gods but they see no reason why they would -not be just as good if given a chance. - -Much of the nasty gossip which follows prominent picture folk emanates -from the society morgues where every skeleton known to scandal is laid -carefully away for future reference. - -The fat ladies of wealth who are unable to fit into the screen take a -girl, perhaps like Lillian Gish, and in seeming fury that the girl has -succeeded, tear what they may of her character to pieces. About any -fashionable hotel where gather the disappointed “widows” and dames whose -husbands have let them come west for a “rest” may be heard the most -intimate details concerning the private life of every person prominent -on the screen. Nine times out of ten these details are featured by -everything but the truth. - -Every girl that ever worked for Griffith, whether she knows it or not, -has been the victim of whispers relative to what price she paid for -her success. Griffith is a muchly misunderstood man. He is shrewd, too -smart for the average picture maker. His people appear to reverence -him. Probably no girl regrets her experience and training under this -particular director--though not as much can be said for many other -directors. - -The name of Lillian Gish and Griffith have been mentioned in unsavory -tones more than once. The girl is a remarkably fine young woman who -scarcely would know what was meant by the insinuations cast abroad -concerning her and the director. Wherever Lillian goes her mother is not -far away. The two sisters, Lillian and Dorothy, are among the hardest -workers upon the screen. It is understood that the late Robert Harron was -extremely fond of Dorothy and it is understood that this admiration was -not returned in the way that young Harron would have wished. - -Harron had a number of sisters, who spent much of their time about the -studios where their brother worked. The Gish and Harron families were -constantly together and a great friendship existed between them all. It -is understood that Dorothy admired Harron tremendously but could not -reciprocate his reported love for her. Bobby Harron was an exceptional -young man from a moral standpoint. He was clean and wholesome. In fact a -number of the Griffith stars have been marked for their personal virtues. -In view of these facts it is a relief to point out that some of the -unmentionable vices which beset Movieland are partially offset by the -cleanliness of many really great stars. - -=Reel Three.= One of the greatest “parties” yet staged in Los Angeles, -was given by a well known director several nights ago. Now it should not -be assumed that the picture parties are particularly different than some -of the pajama and kimono parties tendered in Hollywood and Pasadena. -In fact many of the picture ladies “hold out” longer than their more -discreet sisters who get their kick out of a monthly party, whereas a -picture girl has an invite a night and knows every step and parry of the -game. - -One of the best known girls of the screen sat in one chair throughout a -recent party and visitors remarked upon her serenity and refusal to rush -the bar. - -A wild woman from one of the comedies gave her the once over. “Say, -Edna’s been stewed for two hours and can’t stand up. But she’s got sense -enough to keep still.” - -But, referring to the big party. It lasted several days. Some of the -guests went home, changed their clothes and came back again. The affair -must have cost thousands of dollars. The guests were not numerous but -well selected. A number of orchestras were employed, one coming on as one -went off shift. - -The host was a man of parts. He employed chauffeurs with cars ready to -grab any guest who wished to stumble home and might possibly not be -deemed able to guide his own car had he come without a driver. Most of -the drivers who came to the party left unceremoniously when the party -waxed late into the next day. Even chauffeurs have feelings. - -The newspaper accounts mostly were suave and soft pedally. But it is said -that some of the best newspaper people remembered only the quietness of -the opening hour or so and were in no editorial mood to recollect just -everything that did happen. - -=Reel Four.= A great social mix-up occurred at Hollywood the other -morning. One of our best matinee idols, a year or so ago separated from -his wife and half dozen children. He took unto himself another wife. The -decree allowed that the father could have the children part of the time, -or half of the time. - -Following his new matrimonial venture the matinee star found himself -blessed one morning with a new baby. Just recently the former wife -emerged from the east and took apartments at one of the most fashionable -Hollywood hotels. She was accompanied by a flock of children. - -The moment had come for the former husband to have his time portion of -the children. Bright and early on the day after their arrival they made -for the father’s home, where they were happily received by the foster -mother who showed them their half sister, her own child. - -Kids will be kids, so it was no wonder that the mother of the flock was -surprised and amazed during the course of the morning when one of her -brightest young hopes trundled a baby carriage into her room and gaily -announced that he had a new sister to show her. He had come down from -the home of his father and foster mother with sure enough evidence that -father still was raising children. - -The papers stated that the mother was threatened with hysteria and bade -her surprised child take his charge back to its father’s home. For comedy -and tragedy, go watch in the halls of childhood. - - * * * * * - -Eve tempted Adam with an apple. Were you ever tempted by an apple? - - * * * * * - -Our Language - -Here are a few of the difficulties of the English language: - - A flock of ships is called a fleet. - A fleet of sheep is called a flock. - A flock of girls is called a bevy. - A bevy of wolves is called a pack. - A pack of thieves is called a gang. - A gang of angels is called a host. - A host of porpoises is called a shoal. - A shoal of buffaloes is called a herd. - A herd of children is called a troop. - A troop of partridges is called a covey. - A covey of beauties is called a galaxy. - A galaxy of ruffians is called a horde. - A horde of rubbish is called a heap. - A heap of oxen is called a drove. - A drove of blackguards is called a mob. - A mob of whales is called a school. - A school of worshippers is called a congregation. - - * * * * * - -Bull Frog Bull - -The Frog is a slick member of the reptile family deriving its name from -the Latin words E Hopus Jumpus, meaning “Warts.” It has four legs, but -only finds use for two--the hind ones, which are built on altogether -different lines than the front ones, being about five times as long, and -fold under his body at a very convenient angle, affording ample seating -capacity. The most common species of the Frog Family are the Toad Frog -and the Bull Frog. The French people consider the Bull Frog quite a -delicacy, and all snakes are very fond of Toad Frogs. Some scientists -say the snake has far better taste than the Frenchman when it comes to -choosing its food. The Frog can catch more flies than Tris Speaker, with -far less effort, and is about the only thing left in this grand and -glorious country with any hops in it. - - * * * * * - -You Can’t Fool a Horse-Fly - -Mike and Pat were telling stories. During the conversation a fly lit on -Pat’s nose. - -“What kind of a fly is that, Moike?” asked Pat. - -“Why, that’s a horse-fly, Pat.” - -“Begorra, Moike, and what’s a horse-fly?” - -“Why, a horse-fly, Pat, is a fly that lights on a horse’s neck.” - -“You don’t mean to say O’im a horse’s neck, do you, you dirty blaggard?” - -“No, Pat, but you can’t fool a fly.” - - - - -_India’s September Morns_ - - _In this article, Reverend Morrill tells of the “royal baths” - of East India, where men and women recognize no sex. In the - February number of the WHIZ BANG, the traveler-author will take - our readers on a brief expedition to South America, which, - “Golightly” assures us, is “the white slave market of the world.” - Night scenes in Rio de Janeiro, “the Gomorrah,” and Buenos Aires, - “the Sodom of South America,” will be depicted as only Reverend - Morrill can do._ - -By REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL - -Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -Though the River of Time may wash away most of my India memories, there -is one thing that will remain as long as I live--my royal bath at Delhi, -and the time, the place, and the girl. - -Bathing has not only been a fad with me, but an article of faith. At home -I take a cold plunge every morning, and on shipboard it is the thing I -look forward to with pleasure. A country is known by the baths it gives, -and in Constantinople, Moscow and Budapest I learned that every little -movement had a meaning all its own. The bath, that like Moses’ rod -swallowed up all others, was the one at Delhi, where cleanliness is not -always next to godliness. - -India is a hot and sticky place for fleshy people, and like Falstaff -I was larding the lean earth as I walked along. After hours of dusty -driving and hard sight-seeing I asked my guide if I could have a bath, -and he said, “Yes, Durbar bath.” I had missed the royal pageant, but -hoped to get the splash, so we drove off the crowded street to a building -which invited us with shady walks and flowers. The native proprietor -ushered me into a darkened room and handed me a napkin. I had been in -India long enough to know what to do with that square of linen, so I used -it for a loincloth. - -When I stepped into the bath I was “horrified” to find a beautiful -Mohammedan maiden standing there before me with nothing on plus a -bracelet. In agitation I rang. The master came, and I told him I did not -want that woman there with the bath. He seemed surprised, because she -was part of it, shrugged his shoulders, ordered her out, and beckoned -to two stalwart natives. They seized me, threw me down on the marble, -put a wooden pillow under my head, and then splashed, massaged, pounded, -twisted and kneaded me, worked my arms like a windmill, rolled me like a -log, used me as a punching bag, went through a whole course of gymnasium -exercises on me, then grinned and said, “Not finished.” I felt I was, -when back came the “sweet sixteen” smiling like Spring, and with less -covering than September Morn. I sprang up, but she grabbed a towel and -basin and laid me low, then soused me and began to put on the finishing -touches. In broken English she tried to tell me all her physical, mental -and moral charms, which I admitted because she was a woman, but I knew -her Koran didn’t square with my Old Testament, so thanking her, I fled, -like Joseph from Potiphar’s wife, to my room, where my guide “Kim” came -to the rescue, helped me to dress and rushed me to the train or I might -have been there yet. - -The letter “I” in India stands for indecency and immorality in nearly -everything I saw from Calcutta to Bombay. Benares is washed by the -Ganges, the worshippers in the Ganges, and though every day is washday, -still the city and people are dirty. They need a new Hercules to turn -the Ganges through its Augean stables filled with holy fakirs, anointed -priests, pestiferous pilgrims, obscene carvings and sacred bulls. - -I entered the Cow Temple, stable of sitting and standing bulls. The bull -is a beatified beast. Priests pet him, the godly natives garland his -horns and kiss his tail, virgin votaries bathe their hands, beautify -their faces and plaster their hair with the divine emanations which -Minnesota farmers use for fertilizer. At weddings, for good luck, to -keep evil spirits away, and purify the place, a cow is backed up to -the bride’s door to decorate the threshold with fresh dung--bossy’s -contribution to the joyous occasion. The “Bull Durham” of India is some -of the same, dried and mixed, with a little tobacco and paper. I have -often imagined that our yellow-fingered dudes imported it for cigaret -purposes--at any rate it smells like it. Like another ill-fated Gulliver -in the land of giants, I slipped around in the filth till I got a kodak -shot at his royal Bullship. - -Benares is called the “Holy City” on the principle, I suppose, that -“in religion, what damned error, but some sober brow will bless it and -approve it with a text.” As well call ice hot, vinegar sweet, vice virtue -or hell heaven. One morning we pious pilgrims left the ladies, who were -not permitted to accompany us, and climbed to the secluded spot where -stands the Nepalese temple ornamented with gymnastic and obscene carvings -that would make the red pictures of Pompeii blush with shame. These -filthy figures of men and women, carved to please and pacify the gods, -are not mentioned in the guide-books or referred to above a whisper in -polite society. If this sex perversion marks the high tide of Buddhist -faith, I am ashamed, though I have photos of the carvings which I keep in -my strong-box packed in chloride of lime. Kali Hinduism may be bloody, -but Buddhism here is beastly. - -Almost as bad are the stone images and inscriptions in the caves of -Elephanta out from Bombay. The temple columns, aisles and figures -are hewn from the living rock. I looked at the three-faced Siva, and -noticed the stylish headdress; saw another figure with cap ornament of -human skulls; Virag, half-male and female, and the Siva shrine with the -“lingam” altar before which millions of barren wives and hopeless girls -had prostrated and prostituted themselves in Sivaite festivals. The -temple keeper beckoned me to one side and gave me a private lecture on -these “lingam,” phallus or Priapus symbols of sex organ worship which I -had found in other lands. While he proceeded, my blush illuminated the -dark cave, and as I left the “altar” a lady of our party approached and -asked me what I had been looking at and what the guide said. I replied, -“Forget it!” She wouldn’t, I couldn’t, and since she was past middle age -and married, I looked her square in the eye and reeled it off as if it -were an Edison record. “Thank you,” she said. “It is always well to know -about religion from a priest.” I told her I was no priest and this was -no religion. There was a pool of clear water here and the frogs, big as -turtles, were standing on their hind legs, with folded arms and eyes wide -open with amazement, as if they were more shocked at what I had said than -at the suggestive statues and symbols round about. If I had been alone I -would have divested myself of all baggage but my trunks and plunged in to -keep them company. - -The blasé or bored can always find something new at a Hindu wedding or -Nautch dance. I saw Nautch girls--dressed in scarlet skirts trimmed with -gold, caris or scarfs of brightest colors, trousers tight-fitting and -gilt-embroidered, bracelets or anklets of gold, and silver bells--dancing -for hours, illustrating pictures of thought, passion and emotion, to -love-throbs, tune and time. Once I heard a story of the origin of the -Nautch dance: A Rajah’s daughter was stolen and raped; the ravisher was -caught by the father, strung up, slashed like ribbons on a Maypole, then -whirled around, and anyone on whom the blood spattered was privileged to -assault any woman he met. - -India has no old maids or bachelors. Cradles are robbed of their babies -for marriage, and some suitors are promised before born if sexed right. -The proverb reads, “Every girl at 14 must be either a wife or a widow.” -Many men in India are slaves--all women are. Woman is not to be trusted, -and is held the cause of man’s sin whether she be sage or fool. She is -object and subject as a child to her father, as wife to her husband, -and as widow to her son’s or husband’s relatives. To obey her hubby is -supposed to be the only God she needs or wants. To obey and worship him -is to worship the gods (though he be a devil). Caste injures them more -than men, and she is old before 25 and looks it. Child-marriage is the -style and prevails in places, though the British government made a law -that a girl might be married yet not live with her husband till she was -12 years old. Imagine a 10 year old girl marrying a 30 year old man. Any -negligent father, who does not find a husband before his daughter is 12, -is held to be a public monster and criminal. Of course, boys and girls -mature earlier in the tropics and have families when people North haven’t -gone so far as to be even sweethearts. - -In the comparative study of other religions I could always find some -sweetness and light, but Hinduism is darkness and dirt. Its votaries -are vile, their gods are deified beasts, and their devotees are beastly -depraved. Caste, child-marriage, obscene worship, Nautch girls, -ignorance, superstition, poverty and plague prove Hinduism to be a hell -on earth and a disease that dwarfs and damns man’s body, mind and soul. - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=Dear Captain Billy=--My two sisters and myself have been gratified this -week by the arrival in each family of a set of twins. Kindly suggest -names for these six darlings.--=Patriotic Patricia.= - -My moss-covered suggestion: “Pete and Repeat, Kate and Duplicate, and Max -and Climax.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Capt. Billy=--I am a sweet eighteen year old girl and last night I -met a nice man with a limousine that wants to take me for a ride. Will it -be alright to go?--=Alice.= - -Let your conscience be your guide. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--Do you think it would be alright if I took a tramp -in the woods.--=Sweet Sixteen.= - -Yes, it’s excellent exercise. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billious=--I have been married a few months and my hubby is -always saying our baby is a much abused creature. What do you think he -means?--=Mrs. Guey.= - -He probably means that your darling baby gets a bust in the mouth every -hour or so. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bull=--Do you like cocktails?--=Ana Monyous.= - -Yes, I should say so. You finish the answer. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--I’ve often heard the toast: “To George Washington, -first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen.” Do -you think he was always first?--=Willie, age 12.= - -Yes, with the exception that he married a widow. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What kind of a woman should I marry?--=Sandy Henna.= - -Venus would be fine. She would be perfectly safe, as both her arms are -missing and she couldn’t throw things. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What is a definition for man and woman?--=Pinkie -Cherry.= - -Man, Pinkie, is the Lord of Creation, and Woman is the lady of Recreation. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Banger=--I want to be married secretly. What shall I do?--=Pussy -Foot.= - -Go to a justice of the peace. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Phiz=--Is strychnine effective in stopping heart ailments.--=Co-ed.= - -Yes, if taken in sufficient quantities, strychnine will stop anything. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--You’ve been in the army, Cap, so will you kindly -tell us the difference between an engagement and a battle?--=Ida Clare.= - -Yes, Ida, and I’m married, too. The engagement, you realize, takes place -before the marriage. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bull=--What are wedding bells?--=Katinka Stinka.= - -Lemon peals. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What is the solution of the liquor problem?--=A. -Boozem Friend.= - -A solution of malt and hops containing about 5 per cent of water. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Farmer Bill=--How’s your corn crop this year? What did it go to the -acre?--=Acorn Farmer.= - -Wa’al, I reckon it’ll go about 350 gallons to the acre, by gum. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Doctor Billy=--Will you kindly inform as to the bacterial proteins -for cutaneous tests?--=Sheesa Whopper.= - -She sure is a whopper for a farmer to answer. In fact, I found it -necessary to call in the professional advice of old Doc Yak, who gives -this reply: The bacterial proteins are staphylococcus aureus, micrococcus -tetragenus, diphtheroid, streptococcus viridans, non-haemolyticus and -pneumococcus. (Thank you, doctor.) - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What is the proper definition of an oyster?--=G. -Howie Snortz.= - -An oyster, Mr. Snortz, is a peculiar fish better known as a bivalve and -looks like a nut. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bilious Billy=--Does cider really get hard enough to cause -intoxication? I have a few gallons at home and do not care to indulge in -strong drink?--=Molly Coddle.= - -Hard? I should say it does, Molly. I drank three glasses one night last -week while in Minneapolis and before long I thought I was crushed rock. -Friends tell me I laid down on Nicollet Avenue and tried to pull the -asphalt over me. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain=--Is it quite proper for a lady to let her husband look at -her Whiz Bang?--=Lotta Ginger.= - -Quite right, we would say--providing, of course, that it’s Captain -Billy’s. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bill=--I have been troubled with the seven-year itch. What shall I -do?--=Ticklish Tillie.= - -Scratch yourself. - - * * * * * - -The First Hundred Years - -Discouraged prohibition enforcers should remember that the first hundred -years are the wettest. - - * * * * * - -When my shoes wear out I’ll be on my feet again. - - - - -His Test of Faith - -By RUDOLPH KUEFFNER - - -A couple, on their wedding trip, met a gypsy whose prophecies so greatly -amused them that they gave her an extra dollar for good luck. In -appreciation of the gift, the grateful gypsy presented her benefactors -with a little white, glass phial containing a clear liquid. She -admonished them to hold this phial as a sacred treasure, because the -liquid would retain its crystalline clearness only so long as the loving -couple were faithful to each other. But, warned the gypsy, unfaithfulness -on the part of either will cause this liquid to turn a grayish hue. - -The couple laughingly accepted the small bottle, took it home and, -although disbelieving the gypsical dope-sheet, placed it carefully in an -unused linen closet. They soon forgot the incident and lived in happiness -for some time. - -One summer, a few years later, the wife journeyed afar to visit -relatives. Letters of love were exchanged and the hubby gave all his time -to business cares, with the exception of Sundays, when he would entertain -a few friends at his home. At one of these Sunday parties he amused the -guests with the gypsy story of honeymoon days. - -At the finish of the host’s recital, one of the men with an eye to a -practical joke suggested pouring a bit of ink in the phial so as to make -the liquid turn to gray. “On her return you can have a lot of fun at her -jealousness,” he said, “and then call us in to prove your faithfulness.” -The trick was done and in a few days Friend Wife came home. - -While house-cleaning next day, she thought of the phial. Great horrors! -Its contents had turned from pure white to a grayish tint. “My God, is it -really so?” But after a few moments of hesitation she quickly poured out -the gray substance and refilled the phial with clear water, placing it -back in its former location. - -Needless to say, it was not necessary for hubby’s friends to call to -testify in his behalf. - - * * * * * - -The Difference - -The two school friends accidentally met in the whirl of the city, and, of -course, began a rapid fire of questions. - -“What am I doing?” said Gladys, in reply to a query. “Oh, I’m a -stenographer.” “What’s the boss like?” “Well, he’s quite young, and is -awfully kind to me. See, he gave me this bangle and this brooch, and -nearly every week he takes me to dinner and the theatre. And the salary’s -quite good--$25 a week. And you, Ethel--what are you doing, dear?” - -“Same as you,” snapped Ethel, “only there’s no shorthand-typing mixed up -with it.” - - * * * * * - -For Men Only - -Some of us poor, down-trodden he-men, and farmers, chuckle with glee when -our sturdy wives drag us to church on Sunday to listen to such passages -of Scripture regarding the weaker (?) sex as follow. In view of granting -the ladies equal rights at the ballot, these few lines appear to be -particularly timely, so follow closely, boys, and chuckle again: - - “Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection; suffer not - woman to think or usurp authority over man, for Adam was formed - first, not Eve. - - “For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is - the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. - For the man is not of the woman but woman of the man. Neither was - the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man. Wives, - submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord, for - the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of - the church. - - “When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the Lord - Thy God hast delivered into thine hands, and thou hast taken them - captive, and hast seen among the captives a beautiful woman and - hast a desire unto her that thou wouldst have her for thy wife, - then thou shalt bring her home to thy house, and she shall shave - her head, and pare her nails.” - - * * * * * - -Fast Workers - -They were introduced at 7:15. - -By 8:10 they were talking cozily in a movie. - -At 9:30 they were regarding each other intimately over the remains of a -chicken sandwich. - -At 9:44 they stood wistfully near on the front porch. - -Promptly at 9:45 he kissed her. - -By 9:50 she kissed him. - -At 10:00 with a touch of sadness they parted. - -He walked down the steps dejectedly, but upon hearing the door close, he -snapped out and walked briskly home and cut another notch in his military -brushes. - -“How they fall,” he murmured, “probably I am a handsome devil.” - -She, sitting before her dressing-table, yawned. - -“How they fall,” she sighed; “perhaps I am a sweet and delightful girl.” - -And she put his name in a thick little book she had been keeping since -she was sixteen! - - * * * * * - -Shortcomings - -A negro woman went into a department store and said to the clerk: - -“Mister, can I exchange these stockings?” - -“Why, certainly, madam; don’t they come up to your expectations?” - -“Lawdy, no; dey hardly come up to ma knees.” - - * * * * * - -Marjorie Was So Obliging - -Little 5-year-old Marjorie was the sunshine of her mother’s heart and on -all possible occasions her brightness was paraded before “company.” - -It was at a meeting of the Loyal Ladies’ Card club that Marjorie’s mother -contrived to “show up” her darling daughter. First she asked the little -tot to get Mrs. Jones a drink of water. Marjorie got the water and -was thanked for it. She was then asked to get Mrs. Smith a drink. She -complied and again was thanked. She went through the same procedure for -four more ladies. After the last one had drank, the mother proudly asked -little Marjorie to bring in a drink for her before going out to play. - -In a few moments Marjorie returned, but without water for mother. - -“Muvver, I tant det any more water,” she childishly lisped. - -“Why not, my child, surely you’ll get your mother a drink?” - -“I tant, muvver, the water’s all don and I tant weach the chain.” - - * * * * * - -Fits Most Lunch Foundries - -A Holyoke, Mass., lunch room displays over the counter a large sign which -reads as follows: - - Don’t make fun of our coffee. You may be old and weak yourself - some day. Use one helping of sugar and stir like hell. We don’t - mind the noise. - - * * * * * - -They Both Walked - -The other evening a swell appearing young couple asked if they might -leave an automobile cushion at the Whiz Bang farm while they hiked to -Robbinsdale to report the theft of their motor car. I said “Sure,” and I -still have the cushion. - - * * * * * - -Before July First - -The policeman watched the man creep slowly out of the saloon. Hastily he -approached the unfortunate culprit: - -“I just saw you come out of that saloon!” - -“Sh’ever see me before?” - -“No!” - -“Then how ’djou know it was me?” - - * * * * * - -Page Mr. Croton - -Are you acquainted with Olive Oil? - -Very well, indeed. - -Well, I’m her brother, Castor. - - * * * * * - -Something to Worry About - -The famous race horse, Man o’ War, receives more personal attention than -any being, human or otherwise, since Cleopatra. He has a retinue of -servants and is housed more expensively than the Gaekwar of Baroda or the -Jhilwar of Jhock. - - * * * * * - -Love isn’t blind--just near-sighted. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet_” - - -Did you ever feel embarrassed? We did, the other day when the boss cow, -Ethelbert, kicked over our bucket at milking time and ripped our trousers -in front of the chickens. Write to us about your embarrassed moments -and let’s console each other. For instance, Gus, our hired man, was in -Minneapolis the other day getting his usual supply of moonshine and was -riding on the street car to the depot. - -“I noticed a girl sitting across the aisle that I had met while in -swimming at Lake Minnetonka last summer,” said Gus when he got home, -“I had not seen her since until then. I tipped my cap and said ‘Hello! -How are you?’” and for a minute she looked at me blankly and then burst -out: “Oh, why, hello! I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.’ Of -course this attracted the attention of the passengers and I found it more -comfortable by getting off the car at the next stop for another little -drink.” - -Now, of course, that may have been only Gus’s alibi for coming home -intoxicated. - - * * * * * - -I had a similar experience myself last time I was in the city. A girl -was telling me how embarrassed she was. “Do you know,” she confided, “I -was standing in a doorway fixing my garter when a gust of wind came along -and blew the hair from off my right ear. I was so embarrassed, don’t you -know.” - - * * * * * - -Newspapers tell of a woman who, in order to become a mother, obtained -a divorce and married another man for a year, after which she and her -child went back to her first husband. This is an exception. Some women, -it seems, now are inclined not to trouble with the divorce proposition at -all. - - * * * * * - -Diogenes grabbed his trusty lantern and hiked from the Presidio of Frisco -to the Bronx of Manhattan searching for an honest man. Old Diog was a -wise bird; he never even looked for an honest woman. - - * * * * * - -He seeks relief in vain who will not follow advice. - -We always remember those who have done us a favor when we want another -favor done. - -Running down other people’s reputation won’t run up your own. - -The trouble with the average man is that he seldom increases his average. - -Many a “good fellow” is so stingy with his family that he’ll stand -between his wife and a show window. - -When holding a straight flush it is better to stay in and raise and win -than not to have raised at all. - - * * * * * - - The pretty manicurist, Louise, - Has very many beaus; - She calls these fellows, if you please, - Her manicurios. - -Holding hands is dangerous business. The hand is the lightning conductor -of love and lust. The manicurist, like Othello, would find “occupation -gone” if hand-holding were practised by men or old women. It is the sex -element that usually attracts and holds. - -Many modest and decent manicurists go regularly and professionally to the -homes of their patients, or are found in office, parlor or barber annex -position. Anywhere and everywhere they are pure and true womanly. - -People who won’t work with their hands are known by the manicures they -keep. Nails are peeled, pared, polished and painted, while the owner’s -rough mind lives in the cellar and garret of mental and moral poverty. - -Manicuring is a society luxury for men and women who form the polished -horde of bores and bored. The world is still deceived with fuss and -feathers and people who hide grossness with fair ornament. - -The manicure is a necessity for musicians, doctors--and dudes and -darlings in society who, beyond the actual care of their body, in food, -dress and drink, think their hands were only made to wear gloves, rings, -be manicured, held or united in a “good catch” marriage. - -The rich are manicured who have money to burn. The idle are manicured -who have time to waste. The idiots are manicured who have no idea of the -value of time or money. Libertines are manicured who play guilty Fausts -to pure and innocent Margarets. Hotel leechers and loafers are manicured -who forget mother, sister, wife or sweetheart. - -They have no time or money for church or charity, but sit by the hour -holding a girl’s hand, looking into her face, trying to fan a spark of -passion into their burnt-out cinder body while with hand, foot, eye and -tongue they try to make a date. - -The word “hand” means to hold or seize and is to man what the claw is -to the bird, fin to fish, and hoof to horse. The hand is marvelously -made with 27 bones, 8 of which are in the wrist, 5 form the palms, and -14 the bones or phalanges, or fingers. The hand was made for work, as -proved by anatomy and Scripture--“Go to work”; “Work earnestly with -both hands”; “Handsome is that handsome does”; and black or white hands -are fine which do good work. Angelo carving marble, Raphael painting -Madonnas, Shakespeare writing immortal dramas, Beethoven copying heavenly -symphonies, Washington drawing his sword for liberty, and Lincoln penning -the Emancipation Proclamation, spent little time or money in manicuring -parlors. - -Beautiful are the hands of wife, sister, man or friend which have -directed, lead and lifted us by pitfall, through marsh and despair to -mount the height on which we stand--hands perfumed with prayer, baptized -with tears, clasped with affection, and generous with charity. - -The man ought to be horsewhipped who uses the words “hard,” “homely,” -“unmanicured,” of the hands of a father, calloused that they might give -daily bread; hands of a mother, blistered and aching for work never done -until they are crossed white in the coffin and God gives them rest; baby -hands which twine around the trellis of our hearts and are unclasped by -Death. - - * * * * * - -Another “international marriage” has gone the way of many spectacular -predecessors--through the divorce mill. - -In this it is hardly noteworthy. Experience and commonsense alike -indicate that such unions rarely can be successful. The base allurements -of a British title on one side and American gold on the other, are not -the sources in which wholesome happiness finds its inspiration. - -But in quite another way there is something worth noting in the divorce -proceedings through which Consuelo Vanderbilt has freed herself, at last, -from the disreputable ninth duke of Marlborough. It is the revelation, -through her simple letters, of the true nobility of birth which does not -rest upon a “Burke’s Peerage” or an “Almanach de Gotha.” - -Miss Vanderbilt married this highly decorated fortune hunter in 1895. -Two children were born to them. For their sakes the American wife, with -womanly reserve, suffered much indignity during many years. Eventually -driven to a separation, she still endured in silence, without resort to -the unsavory publicity of divorce, reflecting upon her growing sons. - -These children came of age last winter. The wife then made a last brave -effort toward reconciliation. There was a brief reunion--ending in a -disgraceful visit of the 45-year-old duke to Paris with a 25-year-old -female companion. - -Blood will tell--the plain American kinds and likewise the tainted blue -sort that trickles through “noble” veins. - - * * * * * - -Noah was building the ark. A gang of “drys” hung around criticizing the -job. - -“Ever built an ark before?” asked the leader of the gang. - -“Nope,” replied Noah, pounding away. - -“By what right do you assume that this boat will be a success?” asked -the other. “This has always been a dry country and there has never been -any need for a so-called ark. What experience have you had with your -so-called ark upon which to base so absurd a claim as that it will float? -Don’t you know that umbrellas and gaiters have gotten us through the -thunderstorms for the last forty years? There can be no hope of success -for your so-called ark.” - -But Noah kept on building away. Then came the Deluge, and for once in -history, the knockers got what was coming to them. - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_Smokehouse Poetry will lead the February issue readers through a variety -of red-blooded gems, including, for instance, a bright little jingle -from the pen of a new Kipling. His name is Carl M. Higdon and his first -offering is “The Shimmy Shaker,” and what it lacks in veteran polish is -made up in breezy sway. Such as thus:_ - - _She could shimmy on a mountain,_ - _She could shimmy in a pool;_ - _When it comes to shimmy shaking,_ - _She’s a shimmy shaking fool._ - -_Last month we promised to give you a full portion of George R. Sims’ -tragic masterpiece, and so here we offer it for your approval._ - - -’Ostler Joe - -By George R. Sims. - - I stood at eve when the sun went down, by a grave where a woman lies, - Who lured men’s souls to the shores of sin with the light of wanton eyes; - Who sang the song that the siren sang on the treacherous Lurley height, - Whose face was as fair as a summer’s day, and whose heart was as black as - night. - - Yet a blossom I fain would pluck today from the garden above her dust, - Not the languorous lily of soulless sin, nor the blood red rose of lust, - But a sweet white blossom of holy love that grew in that one green spot, - In the arid desert of Phryne’s life where all else was parched and hot. - - In the summer, when the meadows were aglow with blue and red, - Joe, the ’ostler of “The Magpie,” and fair Annie Smith were wed; - Plump was Annie, plump and pretty, with a face as fair as snow, - He was anything but handsome was the “Magpie’s” ’ostler Joe. - - But he won the winsome lassie, they’d a cottage and a cow, - And her matronhood sat lightly on the village beauty’s brow; - Sped the months, and came a baby--such a blue-eyed baby boy! - Joe was working in the stables when they told him of his joy. - - He was rubbing down the horses--gave them then and there, - All a special feed of clover, just in honor of his heir; - It had been his great ambition (and he told the horses so) - That the fates would send a baby who might bear the name of Joe. - - Little Joe, the child was christened and like babies grew apace, - He’d his mother’s eyes of azure, and his father’s honest face; - Swift the happy years went over, years of blue and cloudless sky, - Love was lord of that small cottage and the tempest passed them by. - - Down the lane by Annie’s cottage chanced a gentleman to roam, - He caught a glimpse of Annie in her bright and happy home; - Thrice he came and saw her sitting by the window with her child. - And he nodded to the baby and the baby laughed and smiled. - - So at last it grew to know him (Little Joe was nearly four), - He would call the pretty “gemplum” as he passed the open door; - And one day he ran and caught him and in child’s play pulled him in, - And the baby Joe had prayed for brought about the mother’s sin. - - ’Twas the same old wretched story that for ages bards have sung, - ’Twas a woman, weak and wanton, and a villain’s tempting tongue; - ’Twas a picture deftly painted for silly creature’s eyes, - Of the Babylonian wonders and the joy that in them lies. - - Annie listened and was tempted--was tempted and she fell, - As the angels fell from heaven to the blackest depth of hell; - She was promised wealth and splendor and a life of gentle sloth, - Yellow gold for child and husband--and the woman left them both. - - Home one eve came Joe, the ’ostler, with a cheery cry of “wife!” - Finding that which blurred forever all the story of his life; - She had left a silly letter, through the cruel scrawl he spelt, - Then he sought the lonely bedroom, joined his horny hands and - knelt. - - “Now, O Lord, forgive her, for she ain’t to blame,” he cried; - “For I ought to seen her trouble and a-gone away and died; - Why a girl like her--God bless her--’twasn’t likely as her’d rest - With her bonny head forever on a ’ostler’s ragged vest. - - “It was kind o’ her to bear with me, all the long and happy time, - So for my sake please to bless her, though you count her deed a crime; - If so be I don’t pray proper, Lord, forgive me, for you see - I can talk all right to ’osses, but I’m kinder o’ strange with Thee.” - - Ne’er a line came to the cottage from the woman who had flown, - Joe, the baby, died that winter and the man was left alone; - Ne’er a bitter word he uttered, but in silence kissed the rod, - Saving what he told his horses, saving what he told his God. - - Far away in mighty London rose the wanton into fame, - For her beauty won men’s homage and she prospered in her shame; - Quick from lord to lord she flitted, higher still each prize she won, - And her rivals paled beside her as the stars beside the sun. - - Next she trod the stage half naked and she dragged a temple down - To the level of a market for the women of the town; - And the kisses she had given to poor ’ostler Joe for naught, - With their gold and priceless jewels rich and titled roues bought. - - Went the years with flying footsteps while her star was at its height. - Then the darkness came on swiftly and the gloaming turned to night; - Shattered strength and faded beauty tore the laurels from her brow, - Of the thousands who had worshipped, never one came near her now. - - Broken down in health and fortune men forgot her very name, - Till the news that she was dying woke the echoes of her fame; - And the papers in their gossip mentioned how an actress lay - Sick to death in humble lodgings, growing weaker every day. - - One there was who read the story in a far-off country place, - And that night the dying woman woke and looked upon his face; - Once again the strong arms clasped her that had clasped her long ago, - And the weary head lay pillowed upon the breast of ’ostler Joe. - - All the past he had forgiven--all the sorrow and the shame, - He had found her sick and lonely and his wife he now could claim; - Since the grand folks who had known her one and all had slunk away, - He could clasp his long-lost darling and no man could say him nay. - - In his arms death found her lying, from his arms her spirit fled, - And his tears came down in torrents as he knelt beside his dead; - Never once his love had faltered through her sad unhallowed life, - And the stone above her ashes bears the sacred name of wife. - - That’s the blossom I fain would pluck today from the garden above her - dust, - Not the languorous lily of soulless sin, nor the blood red rose of lust; - But a sweet white blossom of holy love that grew in the one green spot, - In the arid desert of Phryne’s life where all else was parched and hot. - - * * * * * - -Stranded - -By H. H. Bennett - - ’Twas on a sunny morn in June, - The bee had put his pipes a-tune - And buzzed his way across a field, - The while the birds their love-song spieled. - - He buzzed and ate full many an hour, - Then crawled into a dainty flower - And curled himself up for a nap, - The same as any drowsy chap. - - A cow came browsing through the moor - And towards the little floweret bore; - Not knowing that the bee was there, - She put it on her bill of fare. - - So rudely wakened from his doze, - His beeship’s fiery temper rose. - “Old Cow,” he said, “I’ll sting you deep - When I have finished up my sleep.” - - So, cuddling in his darksome den, - Eftsoons he went to sleep again. - He slumbered on till nearly dawn-- - When he awoke, the cow had gone. - - * * * * * - -Evolution Up to Date - -_In the December issue we had the original Langdon Smith’s “Evolution”. -Now steps forth Lewis Allen with a much more modern expression on the -tadpole and fish idea. This is it:_ - -By Lewis Allen. - - When you were a tadpole and I was a fish - In the palaeozoic time, - ’Twas side by side near the ebbing tide - We tangoed through the slime. - We skittered with many a caudal flip - Through the maze of each fox-trot step, - For we had the craze in those ancient days-- - To the dance stuff we were hep. - - Mindless we lived, and mindless we loved, - And mindless we passed away-- - Which all goes to show that long ago - Our brains were the brains of today. - The world turned on “in the lathe of time” - With many a mighty twist. - We were normal then, beyond your ken. - No watch adorned your wrist! - - We were amphibians, scaled and tailed, - And garbed in the latest style. - We coiled at ease, ’neath the dripping trees, - Or played with a crocodile. - Croaking and blind, with our side-laced feet, - Writing a language dumb, - Though we had no brains, we had no pains, - And that was going some. - - Yet happy we lived, and happy we loved, - And happy we went our way, - And believe me, kid, when I say we did, - Which is more than we do today. - And the aeons came, and the aeons fled, - And days came with the nights, - To our surprise, we all had eyes, - So we took in the sights. - - Then light and swift through the jungle trees - We swung from bough to bough, - Or loafed ’mid the balms of the fronded palms-- - Wish we could do it now! - And Oh! what beautiful years were those - When we learned the use of speech, - When our lives were stilled and our senses thrilled - As we chattered with some dear peach! - - And that was a million years ago; - Years that have fled away, - Yet here tonight in the glaring light - We sit in a wild cafe. - And your thoughts are deep as a buckwheat cake. - Your peroxide hair is great; - Though your heart is cold and your age is old, - You love to hesitate. - - Once we howled through the jungle wastes. - With a club each won his mate. - And she had to work, nor could she shirk, - Lest a blow would be her fate. - But now we go on our bended knees - To a girl we would make our wife, - And she keeps us broke until we croak-- - Alas for the modern life! - - So as we dance at luncheon here, - Missing each savory dish, - I’m feeling blue, for I wish that you - Were a Tadpole and I a Fish! - - * * * * * - -Siam’s National Anthem - -(To the Tune of “America.”) - - Ova tannas Siam - Geeva tannas Siam - Ova tannas - Sucha tammas Siam - Inocan gif fa tam - Osucha nas Siam - Osucha nas. - - * * * * * - -A Regular Present - - She wouldn’t tell what Santa brought; - We hope this don’t sound shocking-- - But when she got in her brand new car, - We saw what she had in her stocking. - - * * * * * - -Confessions of a Dope Fiend - -_The following poem, written by a dope fiend, is the first of a series -he has contributed to this magazine. Although these poems are morbid in -character, the editor hopes their lesson will serve as warning to all -to “touch not, taste, shoot nor smoke.” This is the author s opening -explanation:_ - - _I started out wrong when I was a kid,_ - _And now my days are blue;_ - _Cigarettes, booze, wild women and dope--_ - _I’m a wreck at twenty-two._ - - * * * * * - -In Dreamy Chinatown - -By B.T., Los Angeles - - As I lie in this room, all hazy with smoke - From the “dopes” smoking hop and sniffing at coke, - My mind wanders back just a short year ago - To the time I first started at hitting the snow. - - But soon I’ll be dreaming again in my sleep - Of my little gray home away ’cross the deep; - I’ve thought of dear mother as much as I can, - I’ve fought ’gainst the dope and fought like a man. - - But here as I lie on my dirty old bunk - In the Hong Kong hotel, with my head full of junk, - I am hopelessly gone and await the last bell - That will usher me home to the dark depths of hell. - - There’s a little red devil a-prodding my feet, - Begging me gently to fall into sleep; - I’m gradually slipping, so here’s my last knell, - Because I am under the Chinaman’s spell. - - * * * * * - -Flirtation in a Flower Bed - - I had a flower garden, - But my love for it is dead, - ’Cause I found a bachelor’s button - In my black-eyed susans’ bed. - - * * * * * - -Fairies Revel in Moonshine - -_When old Bill Shakespeare outlined his tale for “The Merry Wives of -Windsor,” he certainly used extraordinary judgment in peering into the -future. His fifth act and fifth scene are almost a duplicate of present -life in New York City--that grand village by the sea, where red neckties -sell at a premium and moonshine lights the bright Broadway. Here are just -four lines that tell a story in themselves:_ - - They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die; - I’ll wink and couch; no man their works must eye. - Fairies, black, grey, green and white, - You moonshine revellers, and shades of night. - - * * * * * - -Something Stirring - - (First Convulsion.) - - Her death was so sudden, - Her death was so sad, - She gave up her life, - ’Twas all that she had. - - (Second Convulsion.) - - She now lies sleeping silently - Beneath a willow bough; - There’s always something stirring - When a freight train meets a cow. - - * * * * * - -That’s When I Need You - -(Serenade of a Whiz Bang Hen.) - - I don’t need you in the morning, - I don’t need you in the night, - I don’t need you when I’m hungry, - I don’t need you when I fight; - I don’t need you when I’m lonely, - I don’t need you when I’m blue-- - But when Farmer Billy wants some eggs, - That’s when I need you. - - * * * * * - -Tell Him Now - - If with pleasure you are viewing any work a man is doing. - If you like him, or you love him, tell him now; - Don’t withhold your approbation till the parson makes oration - And he lies with snowy lilies o’er his brow; - For no matter how you shout it, he won’t really care about it, - He won’t know how many tear-drops you have shed. - If you think some praise is due him, now’s the time to slip it to him, - For he cannot read his tombstone when he’s dead. - - More than fame and more than money is the comment kind and sunny, - And the hearty, warm approval of a friend, - For it gives to life a savor, and it makes you stronger, braver, - And it gives you heart and spirit to the end. - If he earns your praise, bestow it; if you like him, let him know it-- - Let the words of true encouragement be said. - Do not wait till life is over, and he’s underneath the clover, - For he cannot read his tombstone when he’s dead. - - * * * * * - -Or a Finger Ring - -By Gabe Caffrey. - - I want to be a doctor with prescriptions all my own, - To write them out and flop about - As dead as any stone. - I’d love to be a physician and have my little nip - Oh, I want to be a doctor-- - And sip, and sip, and sip. - - * * * * * - -Come on, Joe - - Gone are the days when we got beer in a can, - Gone are the days before we got the ban, - Gone are the days when we were a highball fan; - I hear the angels sadly calling, “Come, dry man.” - - (Chorus.) - - I’m coming, I’m coming, - And I have the ready dough; - I hear those dominoes a-calling, - “Come on, Joe.” - - * * * * * - -Police Inspection - - We were crowded in the cellar, - Not a soul would dare to sleep, - It was midnight in the barroom - And Old Joe lay in a heap. - - As we huddled there in darkness, - Each one seeing snakes and bears, - “They’re all drunk,” the barkeep shouted, - As he staggered down the stairs. - - But his little barmaid whispered, - Passing him a quart of gin: - “There’s a ‘copper’ at the back door, - Should I let the ‘cuckoo’ in?” - - * * * * * - -How Old Is Ann? - -By Billy Bea - - Where can a man buy a cap for his knee? - Or a key for a lock of his hair? - Or can his eyes be an academy - Because there are pupils there? - In the crown of his head, what gems are found? - Who travels the bridge of his nose? - Does the calf of his leg get hungry at times - And devour the corn on his toes? - Can the crook of his elbow be sent to jail? - Where’s the shade from the palm of his hand? - How does he sharpen his shoulder blades? - I’m tammed if I understand. - - * * * * * - -The Bachelor’s Dream - - Then give us the dances of days long gone by, - With plenty of clothes and steps not so high; - Oust turkey-trot capers and buttermilk glides, - The hurdy-gurd twist and the wiggle-tail slide. - - Then let us feast our tired optics once more - On a genuine woman as sweet as of yore; - Yes, Time, please turn backward and grant our request - For God’s richest blessing--but not one undressed. - - - - -Pasture Pot Pourri - - -Eczema, Oh! Eczema, don’t be so rash. - - * * * * * - -My cross-eyed sweetheart became my cockeyed bride. - - * * * * * - -Why do the widow’s wiles usually win out against the maiden’s smiles? - - * * * * * - -The pure food law doesn’t guarantee “preserved peaches.” - - * * * * * - -He Drinks Hair Tonic - - He asked me if I’d kiss him, - I kissed him once or twice, - I know I hadn’t ought to, - But, my Gawd, he smelled so nice. - - * * * * * - -Favorite Quotations - -I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.--Nat Goodwin. - -What is home without another.--Jack Johnson. - -I feel like the end of a misspent life.--Wm. J. Bryan. - - * * * * * - - Listen, my children, and you shall hear - Of the midnight raid on the neighbor’s beer. - - * * * * * - -We will now sing: “The World Is Mine,” by Jawn D. Rockefeller. - - * * * * * - -Man - - Take up thy bed, oh hunted one; - Make haste and quickly flee; - And when thou starts, do more than run - Lest woman and marriage overtaketh thee. - - * * * * * - -Advertisement: Colored woman wants washing. - - * * * * * - -Or on the Ear - -Eminent Physician--As we have no idea what the fashions may be when your -daughter grows up, I think it wise to vaccinate her on the tongue. - - * * * * * - -We’d Quit ’er - - ’Tis sad to love - But oh, how bitter, - To have a girl, - Whose face don’t fitter. - - * * * * * - -A Noise Like a Kiss - -What can a woman do that will make a horse go, a dog come, and a man stay? - - * * * * * - -Never hesitate in telling a woman that you love her--it increases her -self-respect. - - * * * * * - -Pat died and went to Heaven. - -“Why, Pat!” exclaimed St. Peter, “How did you get here?” - -“Flu.” - - * * * * * - -And He’ll Crow - -The modern chicken reminds one of the girl at the table who let an egg -fall on the floor. She said to the man next to her, in a horrified -whisper: “O, I’ve dropped an egg! What shall I do?” He replied: “Cackle.” - - * * * * * - -Monkey-shine - -By Vivian Yeiser Laramore. - - Said the monkey maid to her monkey mate, - “These cocoanuts are fine, - Let’s leave a few in the sun to brew, - And make some ‘monkey-shine.’” - - * * * * * - -Mule Wasn’t So Sensitive - -“The language you use to that mule is perfectly shocking!” - -“Yes,” replied the driver, “it seems to trouble everybody but the mule.” - - * * * * * - -Immodesty’s Penalty - - The Eskimo sleeps in his little bear skin, - And keeps very warm, I am told. - Last night I slept in my little bare skin - And caught a hell of a cold. - - * * * * * - -A little girl went to the soda clerk behind the fountain and asked for a -“Billy Sundae.” The clerk gave her a nut sundae. - - * * * * * - -Said the fruit jar to the top: “You’ll have to use a rubber on me, ‘Old -Top’.” - - * * * * * - -Re-published After Many Requests - -FOR SALE--One Ford car with piston ring, two rear wheels, one front -spring; has no fenders, seat or plank; burns lots of gas and is hard to -crank; carburetor busted half way through; engine missing--hits on two; -three years old, four in the spring; has shock absorbers and everything; -radiator busted--sure does leak; differential dry--you can hear it -squeak; ten spokes missing; front all bent; top blown off--ain’t worth a -cent; got lots of speed, runs like the deuce; burns either gas or tobacco -juice; tire all off, been run on rim; she’s a darn good Liz for the shape -she’s in. - - * * * * * - -Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil - - Some go to church to meet their lover; - Others go their faults to cover; - Some go there to blink and nod-- - But darn few go to worship God. - - * * * * * - -The improprieties of yesterday are the fashion of today. - - * * * * * - -Elucidated - -“A woman’s life is divided into two great periods.” - -“Elucidate.” - -“The first she spends looking for a husband, and the second looking after -him.” - - * * * * * - -Heaven will protect a working girl, but whoinell will entertain her? - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -It’s No Good Now, Algy - -(From the Denver Post.) - -For Sale--One Twin bed, never used, or might trade for baby buggy. - - * * * * * - -Wait Till 1922 - -(From the Gary, Ind., Tribune.) - -Lost--White mule, 3 years old, finder return to Antonio Cazarro. That’s -pretty old for white mule. - - * * * * * - -The Persian Cat Again - -(From the Clinton Herald.) - -Lost--A large white tomcat with gray tail and two gray spots on body. -Return to 1306 S. 3d st. and receive reward. - -Lost--Topsy, black Persian cat. Anyone seeing her call 231 5th ave. - - * * * * * - -Michigan Methods - -(From the Lansing State Journal.) - -Lady desiring room with mate free, may have same by inquiring 221 -Townsend. - - * * * * * - -What Runs? - -(From the Boston Transcript.) - -Will deposits in the Lisle Silk bank be increased because of the runs? - - * * * * * - -That’s A’right, We’re Wed - -(From the Bulletin of the U. of M.) - -Class in swimming of married couples will be organized Monday. Ladies’ -suits furnished if desired. - - * * * * * - -Pretty Soft - -(From the Watertown, S. D., Public Opinion.) - -Wanted--An assistant housekeeper in a family of two. Good home, easy job. -No children and none expected. Nothing but a Spaniel pup, looked after by -head of family. A mighty fine chance for the right person. Phone 4765. - - * * * * * - -Tells the World - -(From the Winnipeg Free Press.) - -I, Francis William Crink, am not responsible for any debts after Oct. -1 of Mrs. Crink, now living with Mr. Peabody, window cleaner, at 744 -Winnipeg ave. - - * * * * * - -Chiropodist or Manicurist? - -(From Indianapolis News.) - -Miss Edith May Hiatt, 18 When Building, personal attention which assures -you absolute satisfaction. - - * * * * * - -Traveling Men, Attention! - -(Knoxville Journal and Tribune.) - -FOR RENT--A traveling man’s wife, alone in a big 8-room house, wishes -to rent three or four nice, unfurnished rooms to a congenial couple, or -to two business women. Bath, hot and cold water furnished, with use of -phone. Call Old Phone 3988. - - * * * * * - -Complications - -“Yes, Private Smith was making a splendid recovery, but now there are -complications.” - -“Oh, I am so sorry! Did he catch pneumonia?” - -“No, he was caught kissing the nurse!” - - * * * * * - -A Wet Wedding - -Weddings, like other things, are progressive affairs in Idaho. Look at -this from an Idaho paper: - -“Yesterday at high noon Miss Helen ⸺ and Ward ⸺ were united in marriage -at the home of the bride’s parents in Wardner. The ceremony was performed -in the spacious living room which was beautifully decorated in syringes.” - - - - -_Jest Jokes and Jingles_ - - -Damphoolishness - - The woodry-blee pipes oolie-goo, - While on the brinkers grimes the moo. - - God save the King, the soldiers cried, - And then they took a trolley ride. - - A rooster crowed upon the hill, - His name was William--she called him Bill. - - ’Twas bitter cold at Valley Forge, - But nothing ever rattled George. - - The berries were growing on the vine, - Three times thirteen is thirty-nine. - - * * * * * - - Out in the kitchen a maiden fair - Plucked from the hash a golden hair. - - * * * * * - - Woman’s hair--beautiful hair, - What words of praise I’d utter; - But, oh, how sick it makes me feel - To find it in my butter. - - * * * * * - -Looking Up - -“Look up!” cries the optimist. - -“Look upward!” shouts the revivalist. - -And yet Robert Bailey was fined $1 and costs or ten days because he -looked up while under the Stadium bleachers. - -The police said there were ladies up above. - - --Toronto Telegram. - - * * * * * - - He took her rowing on the lake; - She vowed she’d go no more. - I asked her why--her answer came: - “He only hugged the shore.” - - * * * * * - -A woman’s first kiss may be attributed to childish curiosity; her second -to misplaced confidence; the others are just downright carelessness. - - * * * * * - -Not So Fond of It - -Mrs. Benham: “You used to say that I was the apple of your eye.” - -Benham: “Well, what of it?” - -Mrs. Benham: “Nothing; except that you don’t seem to care so much for -fruit as you once did.” - - * * * * * - - There was a girl in her own boudoir, - And she was tall and handsome; - And every time the wind blew hard, - It blew right through her transom. - - * * * * * - -Seven Ages of Man - -The seven ages of man have recently been tabulated on an acquisitive -basis, as follows: - -First Age--Sees the earth. - -Second Age--Wants it. - -Third Age--Starts to get it. - -Fourth Age--Decides to be satisfied with half of it. - -Fifth Age--Becomes still more moderate. - -Sixth Age--Now content to possess a six by two foot strip of it. - -Seventh Age--Gets the strip. - - * * * * * - - Under the swinging street car strap, - The homely old maid stands, - And stands and stands and stands and stands, - And stands and stands and stands. - - --Luke McLuke. - - * * * * * - -Har Du Got a Hod? - -An Irishman died and went to heaven. St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but we -just got a big consignment of Swedes from Minneapolis today and there is -no more room.” “Can I get in if I make room?” asked the late arrival. -“Certainly,” said St. Peter. The Irishman shouted through the gate, “Hey, -you fellows, there’s free snuff in hell.” And he made room, all right. - - * * * * * - -Society Note: Mr. Potter of Pottersfield felt cold and stiff this -morning. - - * * * * * - -In a Garden - -As I walked along the paths this morning picking flowers, I found in the -yellow heart of a Lady Slipper, a little brown bee. My first impulse was -to shake him out of his honeyed abode, but as I looked at his velvety -body and the sunlit rainbow wings, a foolish tenderness surged over me. -Perhaps there were baby bees at home that would starve if papa bee did -not bring back honey; and how useful this little creature was, carrying -the pollen from flower to flower--so I moved on, leaving him unmolested. -But even as I turned away thinking these pure, sweet thoughts, the darn -thing stung me. - - * * * * * - - When Adam in bliss - Asked Eve for a kiss, - She puckered her lips with a coo; - With looks quite ecstatic, - Gave answer emphatic: - “I don’t care A-dam if I do.” - - --Flo. - - * * * * * - -And she said I must Seattle as she rose Tacoma her hair, for if I wear my -nice New Jersey, what will Delaware? - - * * * * * - -When Greek meets Greek--they open a fruit store; but when Irish meet -English they open an uproar. - - * * * * * - -Beats me how these girls keep their dresses up. Must be strength of mind -that does it. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=Dear Bill=--Did you hear that they traded Manhattan for 24 cases of -whisky and that now they want to trade it back? Yours till the Statue of -Liberty shimmies up the Hudson, Flo. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I live at 268 W. Rayen Ave., Youngstown, Ohio, and -the other evening I saw this question and answer in your July issue: - - =Dear Bill=--What does my brother mean when he speaks of the - “depth bombs” and “submarine chasers” in army hospitals?--=Miss - Curiosity.= - - Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for reply. - -I am sending same and hope to hear from you. Resp. yours, John Wilson. - -(Editor’s Note--Dear Mr. Wilson: I have referred your letter to Miss -Curiosity, who undoubtedly will answer you personally.) - - * * * * * - -=Dot=--A. is right. Get out and walk. - - * * * * * - -=Rhoda=--Yes. You are old enough to wear what you please. That is as far -as your parents are concerned. But the police will not respect your age. - - * * * * * - -=Madge=--The Doctor was correct. After an operation for appendicitis the -cut shouldn’t show. - - * * * * * - -=Alden M.=--Can give you no advice about free love. Always thought love -very expensive. - - * * * * * - -=Hazel=--Do not marry the sixty year old millionaire. He’s too old and -too young to bring you happiness. - - * * * * * - -=Jacqueline=--Jackie, for short, you said you wanted to write me the -worst way. You did, I can hardly read your letter. Try again. - - * * * * * - -=Ima Flirt=--Yes, love is blind, as the old saying goes--but the -neighbors are not. Pull down your shades after this. - - * * * * * - -=Mable=--If the day be muddy and the boys will stand on the corner it’s -up to you to make good. Will speak to the cashier about sending you silk -stockings. - - * * * * * - -=Jim=--If you are dancing with another man’s wife it is proper to let him -see light between you. - - - - -_Luscious Limericks_ - - - There was a young man from Art Creek, - Who went around dressed in batik, - When they asked, “Are you well?” - He replied, “Ain’t it hell? - But in Art it’s the very last shriek.” - - * * * * * - - Another young chicken named Mary - Was in love with a youngster named Larry, - And when it was dark - They went to the park, - And there they did tarry and tarry. - - * * * * * - - There was a young feller named Aster - Who went in a wild bullock’s pasture; - The sweater he wore - Made the poor bully sore, - And so he ran faster and faster. - - * * * * * - - A sculptor made nymphs and bacchantes, - Omitting the coaties and panties, - Till a kind-hearted Madam, - Who knew where they had ’em. - Donated some warm Ypsilantis. - - * * * * * - -The Impulsive Cuss - - A maiden not lacking in pride - Went out with her beau for a ride. - She said, “Tell me, Joe, - How far do you go?” - “The sky is my limit!” he cried. - - * * * * * - - There was an old sculptor named Phidias, - Whose knowledge of art was invidious. - He carved Aphrodite - Without any nightie, - Which shocked all the people fastidious. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady named Florence, - Who for kissing professed great abhorrence. - At last she was kissed, - And said: “My! What I’ve missed!” - And cried till the tears fell in torrents. - - * * * * * - - This story may be overdrawn, - But now that my ink is all gone, - I’ll say goodby, guys, - And cease with my lies; - ’Tis yours very truly,--Bull Kahn. - - * * * * * - -Even the repeal of the Eighteenth amendment wouldn’t do the brewers any -good. Everybody knows how to make his own, now. - - * * * * * - -I Like ’em, God Bless ’em - - These widowers are an elusive lot, - I like ’em! - They make you forego the sense you’ve got, - I like ’em! - They call you young, they think you’re green, - For blasé women they’re beaucoup keen, - They’re the worst darn pests I’ve ever seen, - I like ’em. - - --By Flo. - - * * * * * - - The best man that ever lived - Must take his child on faith alone, - But the worst woman that ever lived - Knows that her child’s her own. - - * * * * * - -That Osculating Thing - - A little kissing now and then - Is why we have the married men. - A little kissing, too, of course, - Is why we have the quick divorce. - - * * * * * - -The Alphabet of Love - - A is the art of man and maid; - B is the blush, so fair, displayed; - C is the challenge in the eyes; - D the dare that soon replies; - E but why the rest recall? - The rest is E-Z, that’s all. - - * * * * * - - A buzz ran ’round the party, - Some maids were e’en in tears; - A blasé girl--ye Gods, the shame-- - Had left exposed her ears. - - * * * * * - - The melancholy days have come, - The saddest of the year. - There’s no coal in the cellar, - And no goodness in the beer. - - * * * * * - - If I had a girl and she was mine, - I’d paint her back with iodine; - And on her ankles I’d place this sign, - “Keep off the lunch, they’re mine, they’re mine.” - - * * * * * - -Sincerity - - Let me live in a house - By the side of the road - Where the races of men go by; - The men who are good - And the men who are bad, - Just as good and as bad as I. - I would not sit on the scorner’s seat - Or hurl the Cynic’s ban; - But let me live in a house - By the side of the road - And be a friend to man. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BATHING BEAUTIES!] - -Real photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls. - -Just the thing for your den. - -Size 3½×5½. - -Positively the best on the market. - -Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00. - -Send money order or stamps. - -Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included. - -Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, -CALIFORNIA - -_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale -terms._ - - * * * * * - -_Milady’s stocking, like a doctor’s prescription blank, must be filled to -be appreciated._ - - +------------------------ - _Start the New Year right / Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang, - and fill in the coupon / R.R.2, Robbinsdale, Minn. - below NOW. / Enclosed is money order (or - $2.50 per / check) for subscription commencing - year._ / with .................. issue - / MONTH - / - / Name ............................ - / Street ........................... - / City & State ...................... - - * * * * * - -_Everywhere!_ - -_WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 -cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 -cents single copies; two-fifty a year._ - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. 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No. 16, January, 1921, by Various. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -.starbreak { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em auto; - letter-spacing: 2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 450%; -} - -.bbox { - page-break-before: always; - border: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.bbox-top { - border-top: double; - border-left: double; - border-right: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 10%; -} - -.bold { - font-weight: bold; -} - -.by { - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 130%; - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-bottom: 0.75em; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.coupon { - border-top: dashed black; - border-left: dashed black; - margin-left: 30%; - padding-left: 0.5em; - padding-right: 2em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.form { - width: 100%; - border-bottom: 1px dotted; -} - -.fts { - float: left; - max-width: 28%; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent1 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent2 { - text-indent: -1em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.sans { - font-family: sans-serif; - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 90%; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.spacer { - padding-left: 5em; -} - -ul { - list-style-type: none; -} - -li { - margin-top: .25em; - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.w20 { - max-width: 20em; -} - -.w40 { - max-width: 40em; - margin: auto; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 5%; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 16, -January, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 16, January, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: November 12, 2017 [EBook #55946] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPT BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1921 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 16, January, 1921</h1> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="430" height="600" alt="Cover image" /> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w20"> - -<h2><i>Keep On Keepin’ On</i></h2> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If the day looks kinder gloomy</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And chances kinder slim,</div> -<div class="verse">If the situation’s puzzlin’</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And the prospect’s awful grim;</div> -<div class="verse">And perplexities keep pressin’—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">If hope is nearly gone,</div> -<div class="verse">Jest bristle up and grit your teeth</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And keep on keepin’ on.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—<i>Whiz Bang Bill.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Title page image" /> - -<p class="caption"><i>Captain Billy’s<br /> -Whiz Bang</i></p> - -<p class="caption">OUR MOTTO:<br /> -“<i>Make It Snappy</i>”</p> - -<p class="caption">January, 1921 <span class="spacer">Vol. II. No. 16</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Published Monthly by<br /> -W. H. Fawcett,<br /> -Rural Route No. 2<br /> -at Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="caption">Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the post office at -Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879.</p> - -<p class="caption"><i>Price 25 cents</i> <span class="spacer"><i>$2.50 per year</i></span></p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">“<i>We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is -loyalty to the American People.</i>”—<i>Theodore Roosevelt.</i></p> - -<p class="center">Copyright 1921<br /> -By W. H. Fawcett</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 120px;"> -<img src="images/copyright.jpg" width="120" height="50" alt="Allied Printing Trades Union Council Label" /> -</div> - -<p class="center"><i>Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated -to the fighting forces of the United States.</i></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2 id="History_Up-to-Date"><i>History Up-to-Date</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>Now that the British are agitating for a change in -the American history text books, which, they charge, -inculcates our future generations with prejudice -against the original mother country, and the anti-British -are crying for more, let’s fit-in with something -in keeping with the spirit of the age. Let’s introduce -a history lesson that is guaranteed to interest the -shimmy-shaking school children of this great and -glorious jazz age. Therefore, we offer for your -approval, Professor Brenton’s “History Up-to-date.”</i></p> - -<p class="by">By W. H. BRENTON</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Things started off wrong in the beginning when -Adam had to give up one of his ribs for Eve, but -in spite of this, he, like a game sport, tipped his -fig leaf to her upon their first introduction. All ran -smoothly until Eve raised Cain, and thus our ancestors -(after the monkeys) kept up a constant increase until -Noah got inside dope about the flood, whereupon he -built the Ark.</p> - -<p>Our troubles might have been relegated to the -word finis, but Noah stuck up a good old boat and saved -his wife, his animals, and their wives. Then Nero<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -played havoc with Rome and made the fiddle famous -as the city burned. We’ve been fiddling ever since.</p> - -<p>Job next started showing his rights with the off -shoots of the chosen people and they said they would -stone him to death if he didn’t stop. He came right -back by saying, “If you do I’ll turn my bears loose and -they will eat you.” The people did, Job did and the -bears did. Then Job was King.</p> - -<p>I’d like to take some of your time and present the -argument between Anthony and Cleopatra, but there -was so little between them that it is hardly worth while.</p> - -<p>In the days when Cleopatra and Anthony were -such good friends, Anthony had just won a big battle -and he sent his runners to Cleopatra to tell her to doll -up in her glad rags and they would go out stepping. -On the way to her flat he met his runners returning. -They announced, “Oh, Kind Sir: Cleopatra is down -with Tonsilitis.”</p> - -<p>“Darn those Greeks,” said Anthony, “I shall declare -war on Athens tomorrow.”</p> - -<p>Henry Ford started one thing that he played -wrong (his cars play good tunes though), when he -decided to end the World’s War by taking a lot of men -and old maids to France and Germany. If he’d taken -some of Ziegfield’s chorus girls the war would have -been over and President Wilson would still have been -a great man. Just march those girls up No Man’s land, -and there would have been so many soldiers following -them that a Burroughs adding machine couldn’t count -them in the time it takes light to travel from the Sun -to Jupiter. Army recruiting stations would have been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> -as popular as senators’ cellars, and the sentiment between -the two would have been much stronger than -the antagonism between the Bolshevists and the anti-saloon -league. But here we are presenting this valuable -dope several years too late. Tell your children -about it, and they can stop the next war though (if the -pretty girls aren’t all dead).</p> - -<p>Then a bunch of senators, with big cellars and -stills in their attics, passed a law that the combination -of wine, women and song must be reduced to women -and song. Suppose we substitute nut-sundays, women -and song. Substitute your eye, we’ll just play the two -undeceased members of the combination a little -stronger, unless we get into some senator’s cellar.</p> - -<p>Don’t cry, little children, the war is over, and so -is a lot of your money, but Uncle Sam will make a lot -more, and the Brigadier Generals and the movie actors -will get it.</p> - -<p>At present we can assume that this is the Movie -Age and Out-rage. We walk right past a speech made -by the President or some other vote-made man, and -several miles to see “Doug” Fairbanks skin his shins -by walking up the side of a seven-story building on -his hands or to see Charlie Chaplin swing a broom at -the villain and hit the Queen of Russia, who is dressed -in sackcloth and ashes because of the murder of her -last thirty-three husbands.</p> - -<p>Movie actors are all right, though. Why, they -make more money than we ever hear about. Figures -compiled by the Secretary of the Treasury show that a -man and wife and family of seventeen children and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> -pets, could live on what Mary Pickford spends for silk -stockings, but that is the reason we go to the movies, -says the henpecked man as his wife drags him home to -their little boiler factory where rolling pins are used -as sledgehammers.</p> - -<p>If prices keep increasing and clothes decreasing, -we will be restricted as to the number of leaves we can -wear, and they will be fastened to our shivering yet -magnanimous anatomy with paper fasteners of the -Henry Ford type. Shimmying will then be automatically -abandoned, while courting will only take place -over the telephone. When we think of Theda Bara it -will be as a heavily clad woman.</p> - -<p>Just one thing further, and that is, if this world -keeps increasing its speed as it has in the past, our -heads will be going so fast that they will look like fish -bowls. Everything will just work backwards, our nose -will run and our feet smell. Just now we’re traveling -so fast that our hip pockets dip sand as we go around -corners, and our feet come up so often that people will -think we are laying down. Put on your brakes, dear -old United Statesers, and let’s slow down to 100 per, -or we’ll skid into Mexico.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>You Win Rubber Pajamas</h3> - -<p>Lecturer (in a loud voice)—I venture to assert -there isn’t a man in this audience who has ever done -anything to prevent the destruction of our vast forests.</p> - -<p>Man in the audience (timidly)—I’ve shot woodpeckers.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>January First</h3> - -<p class="dropcap">The other day Adam approached Peter at the pearly -gates and said:</p> - -<p>“I should very much like, Peter, to get a pass -the first of the year to revisit my old haunts on earth.”</p> - -<p>“Nothing doing, Adam. You started too much -trouble down there when you were a young man.”</p> - -<p>“Aw, Pete, be a good sport and let me go.”</p> - -<p>“What do you want to go down there for anyhow?”</p> - -<p>“I want to turn over a new leaf.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Gus, our hired man, one of those lucky birds that -had imbibed rather too freely of the sacred liquid, -had fallen into a watering trough. When I tried to -help him as he floundered about, he said: “Offzer, I -ken save m’self, you save the womin’n shildern.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>If You Look That Way</h3> - -<p>It’s oft been said that woman is a mystery to us -that we will never quite see through, no matter how -we fuss. It’s said that woman is a book forever closed -to man, though now and then she condescends slightly -to lift the ban. It’s oft been said we cannot hope to -fathom womankind and to that fact the other sex might -well make up its mind. But we have called the libel -out and dragged it in the dirt. We see right through -her now with ease—thanks to the modern skirt.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Movie Skeletons</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>America is blessed with a flock of motion picture -magazines, some of them with real stories of the public -performances of the screen folk, and some of them -a collection of press agent yarns at so-much per column. -The Whiz Bang won’t invade their sacred field. -We’ll bar the press agents and, instead, will endeavor -to give our readers some inside dope direct from -Hollywood and Universal City, written by our own -staff author whose position within the sacred circle at -Hollywood makes it necessary for him to transcribe -under the nom de plume of “Richmond.” All right, -director, let ’er shoot—</i></p> - -<p class="by">By RICHMOND</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap"><b>Reel One.</b> At last hearing “Doug” Fairbanks and -Mary Pickford were living here happily in their -little grey home in the west, on top of a big -Beverly hill. Every day or so appears a dispatch that -the Nevada authorities intend to dissolve the partnership -but this is taken to be the final, spasmodic throb -of a dying determination.</p> - -<p>Doug thinks he’s married to Mary. Mary believes -she is married to Doug. Owen Moore, Mary’s former -hubby, is quite certain he isn’t married to Mary and -what the state of Nevada thinks isn’t causing any particular -excitement. If Nevada proved a convenient<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> -place to arrange the legal break and figures her dear -judges or lawmakers were slip-shoddy she should get -some new judges and lawmakers. What is done is -done.</p> - -<p><b>Reel Two.</b> Recent presentation of the new Griffith -play, “Way Down East,” caused a laughable situation -for those who were aware of the facts. The laughable -situation did not get into the newspapers because some -of our very best families would have suffered humiliation. -It appears that “D. W.” issued several invitations -to prominent society women for the opening -night, as his “guests”—though he was in New York.</p> - -<p>What a flurry and flutter there was among the -high-brows when they learned that the invites had gone -out. Who had been asked? It did not occur to the -high-brow ladies that D. W. Griffith is truly the master -mind of pictures and that his use of Mrs. Belmont in -the picture was smart bait to draw society. Mrs. Belmont -really didn’t have much to do but appear in an -up-to-date gown and give Lillian Gish a haughty look.</p> - -<p>But society here went daffy when it became known -that some society women had been invited by Mr. Griffith’s -representatives, while others had not. Immediately -there was a buzz of phones and considerable -indignation, denouncements and heart-burnings seared -the wires. “How came it that Mrs. Such and So had -been invited and ‘I’ have not? It reflects upon my social -standing.”</p> - -<p>How crafty old D. W. must have grinned as the -reports went into him of the society ladies’ wrath. For -lack of brains, poise and downright self-respect society<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> -women cart off the well known cake. Newspaper women -laughed themselves sick at the coy admissions discreetly -tendered them that “Oh, by the way, Mr. Griffith -sent me a personal invitation to be present at the -opening of ‘Way Down East.’” It possibly is stretching -it to say that the paper gals laughed themselves -sick. They have become so used to such situations that -they scarcely laugh at all. They just grin and “bear -it”—and proceed openly to kid society in the papers -without society apparently becoming the wiser.</p> - -<p>It is almost pitiable to watch fair and heavy -matrons, who have done well, raising a family or starting -one, long for a chance to see themselves upon the -screen. They gaze upon Lillian Gish as some ravishly -blessed mortal lifted by the Gods but they see no reason -why they would not be just as good if given a -chance.</p> - -<p>Much of the nasty gossip which follows prominent -picture folk emanates from the society morgues where -every skeleton known to scandal is laid carefully away -for future reference.</p> - -<p>The fat ladies of wealth who are unable to fit into -the screen take a girl, perhaps like Lillian Gish, and -in seeming fury that the girl has succeeded, tear what -they may of her character to pieces. About any fashionable -hotel where gather the disappointed “widows” -and dames whose husbands have let them come west -for a “rest” may be heard the most intimate details -concerning the private life of every person prominent -on the screen. Nine times out of ten these details are -featured by everything but the truth.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> - -<p>Every girl that ever worked for Griffith, whether -she knows it or not, has been the victim of whispers -relative to what price she paid for her success. Griffith -is a muchly misunderstood man. He is shrewd, -too smart for the average picture maker. His people -appear to reverence him. Probably no girl regrets her -experience and training under this particular director—though -not as much can be said for many other directors.</p> - -<p>The name of Lillian Gish and Griffith have been -mentioned in unsavory tones more than once. The girl -is a remarkably fine young woman who scarcely would -know what was meant by the insinuations cast abroad -concerning her and the director. Wherever Lillian goes -her mother is not far away. The two sisters, Lillian -and Dorothy, are among the hardest workers upon the -screen. It is understood that the late Robert Harron -was extremely fond of Dorothy and it is understood -that this admiration was not returned in the way that -young Harron would have wished.</p> - -<p>Harron had a number of sisters, who spent much -of their time about the studios where their brother -worked. The Gish and Harron families were constantly -together and a great friendship existed between them -all. It is understood that Dorothy admired Harron -tremendously but could not reciprocate his reported -love for her. Bobby Harron was an exceptional young -man from a moral standpoint. He was clean and wholesome. -In fact a number of the Griffith stars have been -marked for their personal virtues. In view of these -facts it is a relief to point out that some of the unmentionable<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> -vices which beset Movieland are partially offset -by the cleanliness of many really great stars.</p> - -<p><b>Reel Three.</b> One of the greatest “parties” yet -staged in Los Angeles, was given by a well known -director several nights ago. Now it should not be -assumed that the picture parties are particularly different -than some of the pajama and kimono parties -tendered in Hollywood and Pasadena. In fact many -of the picture ladies “hold out” longer than their more -discreet sisters who get their kick out of a monthly -party, whereas a picture girl has an invite a night and -knows every step and parry of the game.</p> - -<p>One of the best known girls of the screen sat in -one chair throughout a recent party and visitors remarked -upon her serenity and refusal to rush the bar.</p> - -<p>A wild woman from one of the comedies gave her -the once over. “Say, Edna’s been stewed for two -hours and can’t stand up. But she’s got sense enough -to keep still.”</p> - -<p>But, referring to the big party. It lasted several -days. Some of the guests went home, changed their -clothes and came back again. The affair must have -cost thousands of dollars. The guests were not numerous -but well selected. A number of orchestras were -employed, one coming on as one went off shift.</p> - -<p>The host was a man of parts. He employed chauffeurs -with cars ready to grab any guest who wished -to stumble home and might possibly not be deemed able -to guide his own car had he come without a driver. -Most of the drivers who came to the party left unceremoniously<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> -when the party waxed late into the next -day. Even chauffeurs have feelings.</p> - -<p>The newspaper accounts mostly were suave and -soft pedally. But it is said that some of the best newspaper -people remembered only the quietness of the -opening hour or so and were in no editorial mood to -recollect just everything that did happen.</p> - -<p><b>Reel Four.</b> A great social mix-up occurred at -Hollywood the other morning. One of our best matinee -idols, a year or so ago separated from his wife and -half dozen children. He took unto himself another -wife. The decree allowed that the father could have -the children part of the time, or half of the time.</p> - -<p>Following his new matrimonial venture the matinee -star found himself blessed one morning with a new -baby. Just recently the former wife emerged from the -east and took apartments at one of the most fashionable -Hollywood hotels. She was accompanied by a -flock of children.</p> - -<p>The moment had come for the former husband to -have his time portion of the children. Bright and -early on the day after their arrival they made for the -father’s home, where they were happily received by -the foster mother who showed them their half sister, -her own child.</p> - -<p>Kids will be kids, so it was no wonder that the -mother of the flock was surprised and amazed during -the course of the morning when one of her brightest -young hopes trundled a baby carriage into her room -and gaily announced that he had a new sister to show -her. He had come down from the home of his father<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> -and foster mother with sure enough evidence that -father still was raising children.</p> - -<p>The papers stated that the mother was threatened -with hysteria and bade her surprised child take his -charge back to its father’s home. For comedy and -tragedy, go watch in the halls of childhood.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Eve tempted Adam with an apple. Were you ever -tempted by an apple?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Language</h3> - -<p>Here are a few of the difficulties of the English -language:</p> - -<ul class="bold"> -<li>A flock of ships is called a fleet.</li> -<li>A fleet of sheep is called a flock.</li> -<li>A flock of girls is called a bevy.</li> -<li>A bevy of wolves is called a pack.</li> -<li>A pack of thieves is called a gang.</li> -<li>A gang of angels is called a host.</li> -<li>A host of porpoises is called a shoal.</li> -<li>A shoal of buffaloes is called a herd.</li> -<li>A herd of children is called a troop.</li> -<li>A troop of partridges is called a covey.</li> -<li>A covey of beauties is called a galaxy.</li> -<li>A galaxy of ruffians is called a horde.</li> -<li>A horde of rubbish is called a heap.</li> -<li>A heap of oxen is called a drove.</li> -<li>A drove of blackguards is called a mob.</li> -<li>A mob of whales is called a school.</li> -<li>A school of worshippers is called a congregation.</li> -</ul> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Bull Frog Bull</h3> - -<p>The Frog is a slick member of the reptile family -deriving its name from the Latin words E Hopus -Jumpus, meaning “Warts.” It has four legs, but only -finds use for two—the hind ones, which are built on -altogether different lines than the front ones, being -about five times as long, and fold under his body at a -very convenient angle, affording ample seating capacity. -The most common species of the Frog Family -are the Toad Frog and the Bull Frog. The French -people consider the Bull Frog quite a delicacy, and -all snakes are very fond of Toad Frogs. Some scientists -say the snake has far better taste than the Frenchman -when it comes to choosing its food. The Frog -can catch more flies than Tris Speaker, with far less -effort, and is about the only thing left in this grand -and glorious country with any hops in it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>You Can’t Fool a Horse-Fly</h3> - -<p>Mike and Pat were telling stories. During the -conversation a fly lit on Pat’s nose.</p> - -<p>“What kind of a fly is that, Moike?” asked Pat.</p> - -<p>“Why, that’s a horse-fly, Pat.”</p> - -<p>“Begorra, Moike, and what’s a horse-fly?”</p> - -<p>“Why, a horse-fly, Pat, is a fly that lights on a -horse’s neck.”</p> - -<p>“You don’t mean to say O’im a horse’s neck, do -you, you dirty blaggard?”</p> - -<p>“No, Pat, but you can’t fool a fly.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>India’s September Morns</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><i>In this article, Reverend Morrill tells of the “royal -baths” of East India, where men and women recognize -no sex. In the February number of the WHIZ -BANG, the traveler-author will take our readers on a -brief expedition to South America, which, “Golightly” -assures us, is “the white slave market of the world.” -Night scenes in Rio de Janeiro, “the Gomorrah,” and -Buenos Aires, “the Sodom of South America,” will be -depicted as only Reverend Morrill can do.</i></p> - -<p class="by">By REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL</p> - -<p class="center">Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn.</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Though the River of Time may wash away most -of my India memories, there is one thing that will -remain as long as I live—my royal bath at Delhi, -and the time, the place, and the girl.</p> - -<p>Bathing has not only been a fad with me, but an -article of faith. At home I take a cold plunge every -morning, and on shipboard it is the thing I look forward -to with pleasure. A country is known by the -baths it gives, and in Constantinople, Moscow and -Budapest I learned that every little movement had a -meaning all its own. The bath, that like Moses’ rod -swallowed up all others, was the one at Delhi, where -cleanliness is not always next to godliness.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<p>India is a hot and sticky place for fleshy people, -and like Falstaff I was larding the lean earth as I -walked along. After hours of dusty driving and hard -sight-seeing I asked my guide if I could have a bath, -and he said, “Yes, Durbar bath.” I had missed the -royal pageant, but hoped to get the splash, so we drove -off the crowded street to a building which invited us -with shady walks and flowers. The native proprietor -ushered me into a darkened room and handed me a -napkin. I had been in India long enough to know what -to do with that square of linen, so I used it for a loincloth.</p> - -<p>When I stepped into the bath I was “horrified” to -find a beautiful Mohammedan maiden standing there -before me with nothing on plus a bracelet. In agitation -I rang. The master came, and I told him I did -not want that woman there with the bath. He seemed -surprised, because she was part of it, shrugged his -shoulders, ordered her out, and beckoned to two stalwart -natives. They seized me, threw me down on the -marble, put a wooden pillow under my head, and then -splashed, massaged, pounded, twisted and kneaded -me, worked my arms like a windmill, rolled me like a -log, used me as a punching bag, went through a whole -course of gymnasium exercises on me, then grinned -and said, “Not finished.” I felt I was, when back -came the “sweet sixteen” smiling like Spring, and -with less covering than September Morn. I sprang up, -but she grabbed a towel and basin and laid me low, -then soused me and began to put on the finishing -touches. In broken English she tried to tell me all her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> -physical, mental and moral charms, which I admitted -because she was a woman, but I knew her Koran didn’t -square with my Old Testament, so thanking her, I fled, -like Joseph from Potiphar’s wife, to my room, where -my guide “Kim” came to the rescue, helped me to dress -and rushed me to the train or I might have been there -yet.</p> - -<p>The letter “I” in India stands for indecency and -immorality in nearly everything I saw from Calcutta to -Bombay. Benares is washed by the Ganges, the worshippers -in the Ganges, and though every day is washday, -still the city and people are dirty. They need a -new Hercules to turn the Ganges through its Augean -stables filled with holy fakirs, anointed priests, pestiferous -pilgrims, obscene carvings and sacred bulls.</p> - -<p>I entered the Cow Temple, stable of sitting and -standing bulls. The bull is a beatified beast. Priests -pet him, the godly natives garland his horns and kiss -his tail, virgin votaries bathe their hands, beautify -their faces and plaster their hair with the divine emanations -which Minnesota farmers use for fertilizer. At -weddings, for good luck, to keep evil spirits away, and -purify the place, a cow is backed up to the bride’s door -to decorate the threshold with fresh dung—bossy’s -contribution to the joyous occasion. The “Bull Durham” -of India is some of the same, dried and mixed, -with a little tobacco and paper. I have often imagined -that our yellow-fingered dudes imported it for cigaret -purposes—at any rate it smells like it. Like another -ill-fated Gulliver in the land of giants, I slipped around -in the filth till I got a kodak shot at his royal Bullship.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<p>Benares is called the “Holy City” on the principle, -I suppose, that “in religion, what damned error, but -some sober brow will bless it and approve it with a -text.” As well call ice hot, vinegar sweet, vice virtue -or hell heaven. One morning we pious pilgrims left -the ladies, who were not permitted to accompany us, -and climbed to the secluded spot where stands the Nepalese -temple ornamented with gymnastic and obscene -carvings that would make the red pictures of Pompeii -blush with shame. These filthy figures of men and -women, carved to please and pacify the gods, are not -mentioned in the guide-books or referred to above a -whisper in polite society. If this sex perversion marks -the high tide of Buddhist faith, I am ashamed, though -I have photos of the carvings which I keep in my -strong-box packed in chloride of lime. Kali Hinduism -may be bloody, but Buddhism here is beastly.</p> - -<p>Almost as bad are the stone images and inscriptions -in the caves of Elephanta out from Bombay. The temple -columns, aisles and figures are hewn from the living -rock. I looked at the three-faced Siva, and noticed the -stylish headdress; saw another figure with cap ornament -of human skulls; Virag, half-male and female, and -the Siva shrine with the “lingam” altar before which -millions of barren wives and hopeless girls had prostrated -and prostituted themselves in Sivaite festivals. -The temple keeper beckoned me to one side and gave -me a private lecture on these “lingam,” phallus or -Priapus symbols of sex organ worship which I had -found in other lands. While he proceeded, my blush -illuminated the dark cave, and as I left the “altar” a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> -lady of our party approached and asked me what I -had been looking at and what the guide said. I replied, -“Forget it!” She wouldn’t, I couldn’t, and since she -was past middle age and married, I looked her square -in the eye and reeled it off as if it were an Edison -record. “Thank you,” she said. “It is always well -to know about religion from a priest.” I told her I was -no priest and this was no religion. There was a pool -of clear water here and the frogs, big as turtles, were -standing on their hind legs, with folded arms and eyes -wide open with amazement, as if they were more shocked -at what I had said than at the suggestive statues and -symbols round about. If I had been alone I would -have divested myself of all baggage but my trunks -and plunged in to keep them company.</p> - -<p>The blasé or bored can always find something new -at a Hindu wedding or Nautch dance. I saw Nautch -girls—dressed in scarlet skirts trimmed with gold, -caris or scarfs of brightest colors, trousers tight-fitting -and gilt-embroidered, bracelets or anklets of gold, and -silver bells—dancing for hours, illustrating pictures of -thought, passion and emotion, to love-throbs, tune and -time. Once I heard a story of the origin of the Nautch -dance: A Rajah’s daughter was stolen and raped; the -ravisher was caught by the father, strung up, slashed -like ribbons on a Maypole, then whirled around, and -anyone on whom the blood spattered was privileged -to assault any woman he met.</p> - -<p>India has no old maids or bachelors. Cradles are -robbed of their babies for marriage, and some suitors<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> -are promised before born if sexed right. The proverb -reads, “Every girl at 14 must be either a wife or a -widow.” Many men in India are slaves—all women -are. Woman is not to be trusted, and is held the cause -of man’s sin whether she be sage or fool. She is object -and subject as a child to her father, as wife to her husband, -and as widow to her son’s or husband’s relatives. -To obey her hubby is supposed to be the only -God she needs or wants. To obey and worship him -is to worship the gods (though he be a devil). Caste -injures them more than men, and she is old before 25 -and looks it. Child-marriage is the style and prevails -in places, though the British government made a law -that a girl might be married yet not live with her husband -till she was 12 years old. Imagine a 10 year old -girl marrying a 30 year old man. Any negligent father, -who does not find a husband before his daughter is 12, -is held to be a public monster and criminal. Of course, -boys and girls mature earlier in the tropics and have -families when people North haven’t gone so far as to be -even sweethearts.</p> - -<p>In the comparative study of other religions I could -always find some sweetness and light, but Hinduism -is darkness and dirt. Its votaries are vile, their gods -are deified beasts, and their devotees are beastly depraved. -Caste, child-marriage, obscene worship, -Nautch girls, ignorance, superstition, poverty and -plague prove Hinduism to be a hell on earth and a -disease that dwarfs and damns man’s body, mind and -soul.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Questions and Answers</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—My two sisters and myself -have been gratified this week by the arrival in each -family of a set of twins. Kindly suggest names for -these six darlings.—<b>Patriotic Patricia.</b></p> - -<p>My moss-covered suggestion: “Pete and Repeat, -Kate and Duplicate, and Max and Climax.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Capt. Billy</b>—I am a sweet eighteen year old -girl and last night I met a nice man with a limousine -that wants to take me for a ride. Will it be alright to -go?—<b>Alice.</b></p> - -<p>Let your conscience be your guide.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—Do you think it would be alright -if I took a tramp in the woods.—<b>Sweet Sixteen.</b></p> - -<p>Yes, it’s excellent exercise.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billious</b>—I have been married a few -months and my hubby is always saying our baby is a -much abused creature. What do you think he means?—<b>Mrs. -Guey.</b></p> - -<p>He probably means that your darling baby gets a -bust in the mouth every hour or so.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bull</b>—Do you like cocktails?—<b>Ana -Monyous.</b></p> - -<p>Yes, I should say so. You finish the answer.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—I’ve often heard the toast: “To -George Washington, first in war, first in peace, first in -the hearts of his countrymen.” Do you think he was -always first?—<b>Willie, age 12.</b></p> - -<p>Yes, with the exception that he married a widow.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—What kind of a woman should -I marry?—<b>Sandy Henna.</b></p> - -<p>Venus would be fine. She would be perfectly safe, -as both her arms are missing and she couldn’t throw -things.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—What is a definition for man -and woman?—<b>Pinkie Cherry.</b></p> - -<p>Man, Pinkie, is the Lord of Creation, and Woman -is the lady of Recreation.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Banger</b>—I want to be married secretly. What -shall I do?—<b>Pussy Foot.</b></p> - -<p>Go to a justice of the peace.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Phiz</b>—Is strychnine effective in stopping -heart ailments.—<b>Co-ed.</b></p> - -<p>Yes, if taken in sufficient quantities, strychnine -will stop anything.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bill</b>—You’ve been in the army, Cap, -so will you kindly tell us the difference between an -engagement and a battle?—<b>Ida Clare.</b></p> - -<p>Yes, Ida, and I’m married, too. The engagement, -you realize, takes place before the marriage.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Bull</b>—What are wedding bells?—<b>Katinka -Stinka.</b></p> - -<p>Lemon peals.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—What is the solution of the -liquor problem?—<b>A. Boozem Friend.</b></p> - -<p>A solution of malt and hops containing about 5 -per cent of water.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Farmer Bill</b>—How’s your corn crop this -year? What did it go to the acre?—<b>Acorn Farmer.</b></p> - -<p>Wa’al, I reckon it’ll go about 350 gallons to the -acre, by gum.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Doctor Billy</b>—Will you kindly inform as to -the bacterial proteins for cutaneous tests?—<b>Sheesa -Whopper.</b></p> - -<p>She sure is a whopper for a farmer to answer. In -fact, I found it necessary to call in the professional -advice of old Doc Yak, who gives this reply: The -bacterial proteins are staphylococcus aureus, micrococcus -tetragenus, diphtheroid, streptococcus viridans, -non-haemolyticus and pneumococcus. (Thank you, -doctor.)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—What is the proper definition -of an oyster?—<b>G. Howie Snortz.</b></p> - -<p>An oyster, Mr. Snortz, is a peculiar fish better -known as a bivalve and looks like a nut.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Bilious Billy</b>—Does cider really get hard -enough to cause intoxication? I have a few gallons at -home and do not care to indulge in strong drink?—<b>Molly -Coddle.</b></p> - -<p>Hard? I should say it does, Molly. I drank -three glasses one night last week while in Minneapolis -and before long I thought I was crushed rock. Friends -tell me I laid down on Nicollet Avenue and tried to -pull the asphalt over me.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain</b>—Is it quite proper for a lady to -let her husband look at her Whiz Bang?—<b>Lotta Ginger.</b></p> - -<p>Quite right, we would say—providing, of course, -that it’s Captain Billy’s.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Bill</b>—I have been troubled with the seven-year -itch. What shall I do?—<b>Ticklish Tillie.</b></p> - -<p>Scratch yourself.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The First Hundred Years</h3> - -<p>Discouraged prohibition enforcers should remember -that the first hundred years are the wettest.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>When my shoes wear out I’ll be on my feet again.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>His Test of Faith</h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">By RUDOLPH KUEFFNER</p> - -<p class="dropcap">A couple, on their wedding trip, met a gypsy -whose prophecies so greatly amused them that -they gave her an extra dollar for good luck. -In appreciation of the gift, the grateful gypsy presented -her benefactors with a little white, glass phial -containing a clear liquid. She admonished them to -hold this phial as a sacred treasure, because the liquid -would retain its crystalline clearness only so long as -the loving couple were faithful to each other. But, -warned the gypsy, unfaithfulness on the part of either -will cause this liquid to turn a grayish hue.</p> - -<p>The couple laughingly accepted the small bottle, -took it home and, although disbelieving the gypsical -dope-sheet, placed it carefully in an unused linen -closet. They soon forgot the incident and lived in -happiness for some time.</p> - -<p>One summer, a few years later, the wife journeyed -afar to visit relatives. Letters of love were exchanged -and the hubby gave all his time to business cares, with -the exception of Sundays, when he would entertain a -few friends at his home. At one of these Sunday parties -he amused the guests with the gypsy story of -honeymoon days.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> - -<p>At the finish of the host’s recital, one of the men -with an eye to a practical joke suggested pouring a -bit of ink in the phial so as to make the liquid turn to -gray. “On her return you can have a lot of fun at -her jealousness,” he said, “and then call us in to -prove your faithfulness.” The trick was done and -in a few days Friend Wife came home.</p> - -<p>While house-cleaning next day, she thought of -the phial. Great horrors! Its contents had turned -from pure white to a grayish tint. “My God, is it -really so?” But after a few moments of hesitation -she quickly poured out the gray substance and refilled -the phial with clear water, placing it back in its former -location.</p> - -<p>Needless to say, it was not necessary for hubby’s -friends to call to testify in his behalf.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Difference</h3> - -<p>The two school friends accidentally met in the -whirl of the city, and, of course, began a rapid fire of -questions.</p> - -<p>“What am I doing?” said Gladys, in reply to a -query. “Oh, I’m a stenographer.” “What’s the boss -like?” “Well, he’s quite young, and is awfully kind -to me. See, he gave me this bangle and this brooch, -and nearly every week he takes me to dinner and the -theatre. And the salary’s quite good—$25 a week. -And you, Ethel—what are you doing, dear?”</p> - -<p>“Same as you,” snapped Ethel, “only there’s no -shorthand-typing mixed up with it.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>For Men Only</h3> - -<p>Some of us poor, down-trodden he-men, and -farmers, chuckle with glee when our sturdy wives drag -us to church on Sunday to listen to such passages of -Scripture regarding the weaker (?) sex as follow. In -view of granting the ladies equal rights at the ballot, -these few lines appear to be particularly timely, so -follow closely, boys, and chuckle again:</p> - -<div class="blockquote bold"> - -<p>“Let the woman learn in silence with all -subjection; suffer not woman to think or usurp -authority over man, for Adam was formed -first, not Eve.</p> - -<p>“For a man indeed ought not to cover his -head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory -of God; but the woman is the glory of man. -For the man is not of the woman but woman -of the man. Neither was the man created for -the woman, but the woman for the man. -Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands -as unto the Lord, for the husband is the -head of the wife even as Christ is the head of -the church.</p> - -<p>“When thou goest forth to war against -thine enemies, and the Lord Thy God hast -delivered into thine hands, and thou hast -taken them captive, and hast seen among the -captives a beautiful woman and hast a desire -unto her that thou wouldst have her for thy -wife, then thou shalt bring her home to thy -house, and she shall shave her head, and pare -her nails.”</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Fast Workers</h3> - -<p>They were introduced at 7:15.</p> - -<p>By 8:10 they were talking cozily in a movie.</p> - -<p>At 9:30 they were regarding each other intimately -over the remains of a chicken sandwich.</p> - -<p>At 9:44 they stood wistfully near on the front -porch.</p> - -<p>Promptly at 9:45 he kissed her.</p> - -<p>By 9:50 she kissed him.</p> - -<p>At 10:00 with a touch of sadness they parted.</p> - -<p>He walked down the steps dejectedly, but upon -hearing the door close, he snapped out and walked -briskly home and cut another notch in his military -brushes.</p> - -<p>“How they fall,” he murmured, “probably I am -a handsome devil.”</p> - -<p>She, sitting before her dressing-table, yawned.</p> - -<p>“How they fall,” she sighed; “perhaps I am a -sweet and delightful girl.”</p> - -<p>And she put his name in a thick little book she -had been keeping since she was sixteen!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Shortcomings</h3> - -<p>A negro woman went into a department store and -said to the clerk:</p> - -<p>“Mister, can I exchange these stockings?”</p> - -<p>“Why, certainly, madam; don’t they come up to -your expectations?”</p> - -<p>“Lawdy, no; dey hardly come up to ma knees.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Marjorie Was So Obliging</h3> - -<p>Little 5-year-old Marjorie was the sunshine of her -mother’s heart and on all possible occasions her brightness -was paraded before “company.”</p> - -<p>It was at a meeting of the Loyal Ladies’ Card -club that Marjorie’s mother contrived to “show up” -her darling daughter. First she asked the little tot -to get Mrs. Jones a drink of water. Marjorie got the -water and was thanked for it. She was then asked to -get Mrs. Smith a drink. She complied and again was -thanked. She went through the same procedure for -four more ladies. After the last one had drank, the -mother proudly asked little Marjorie to bring in a drink -for her before going out to play.</p> - -<p>In a few moments Marjorie returned, but without -water for mother.</p> - -<p>“Muvver, I tant det any more water,” she childishly -lisped.</p> - -<p>“Why not, my child, surely you’ll get your mother -a drink?”</p> - -<p>“I tant, muvver, the water’s all don and I tant -weach the chain.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Fits Most Lunch Foundries</h3> - -<p>A Holyoke, Mass., lunch room displays over the -counter a large sign which reads as follows:</p> - -<div class="blockquote bold"> - -<p>Don’t make fun of our coffee. You may -be old and weak yourself some day. Use one -helping of sugar and stir like hell. We don’t -mind the noise.</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>They Both Walked</h3> - -<p>The other evening a swell appearing young couple -asked if they might leave an automobile cushion at -the Whiz Bang farm while they hiked to Robbinsdale -to report the theft of their motor car. I said “Sure,” -and I still have the cushion.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Before July First</h3> - -<p>The policeman watched the man creep slowly out -of the saloon. Hastily he approached the unfortunate -culprit:</p> - -<p>“I just saw you come out of that saloon!”</p> - -<p>“Sh’ever see me before?”</p> - -<p>“No!”</p> - -<p>“Then how ’djou know it was me?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Page Mr. Croton</h3> - -<p>Are you acquainted with Olive Oil?</p> - -<p>Very well, indeed.</p> - -<p>Well, I’m her brother, Castor.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Something to Worry About</h3> - -<p>The famous race horse, Man o’ War, receives more -personal attention than any being, human or otherwise, -since Cleopatra. He has a retinue of servants -and is housed more expensively than the Gaekwar of -Baroda or the Jhilwar of Jhock.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Love isn’t blind—just near-sighted.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Whiz Bang Editorials</i></h2> - -<p class="by">“<i>The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet</i>”</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Did you ever feel embarrassed? We did, the other -day when the boss cow, Ethelbert, kicked over -our bucket at milking time and ripped our trousers -in front of the chickens. Write to us about your -embarrassed moments and let’s console each other. -For instance, Gus, our hired man, was in Minneapolis -the other day getting his usual supply of moonshine -and was riding on the street car to the depot.</p> - -<p>“I noticed a girl sitting across the aisle that I had -met while in swimming at Lake Minnetonka last summer,” -said Gus when he got home, “I had not seen her -since until then. I tipped my cap and said ‘Hello! -How are you?’” and for a minute she looked at me -blankly and then burst out: “Oh, why, hello! I didn’t -recognize you with your clothes on.’ Of course this -attracted the attention of the passengers and I found -it more comfortable by getting off the car at the next -stop for another little drink.”</p> - -<p>Now, of course, that may have been only Gus’s -alibi for coming home intoxicated.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>I had a similar experience myself last time I was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> -in the city. A girl was telling me how embarrassed -she was. “Do you know,” she confided, “I was standing -in a doorway fixing my garter when a gust of wind -came along and blew the hair from off my right ear. -I was so embarrassed, don’t you know.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Newspapers tell of a woman who, in order to -become a mother, obtained a divorce and married -another man for a year, after which she and her child -went back to her first husband. This is an exception. -Some women, it seems, now are inclined not to trouble -with the divorce proposition at all.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Diogenes grabbed his trusty lantern and hiked -from the Presidio of Frisco to the Bronx of Manhattan -searching for an honest man. Old Diog was a wise -bird; he never even looked for an honest woman.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>He seeks relief in vain who will not follow advice.</p> - -<p>We always remember those who have done us a -favor when we want another favor done.</p> - -<p>Running down other people’s reputation won’t run -up your own.</p> - -<p>The trouble with the average man is that he seldom -increases his average.</p> - -<p>Many a “good fellow” is so stingy with his family -that he’ll stand between his wife and a show window.</p> - -<p>When holding a straight flush it is better to stay -in and raise and win than not to have raised at all.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The pretty manicurist, Louise,</div> -<div class="verse">Has very many beaus;</div> -<div class="verse">She calls these fellows, if you please,</div> -<div class="verse">Her manicurios.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Holding hands is dangerous business. The hand -is the lightning conductor of love and lust. The -manicurist, like Othello, would find “occupation -gone” if hand-holding were practised by men or old -women. It is the sex element that usually attracts and -holds.</p> - -<p>Many modest and decent manicurists go regularly -and professionally to the homes of their patients, or -are found in office, parlor or barber annex position. -Anywhere and everywhere they are pure and true -womanly.</p> - -<p>People who won’t work with their hands are known -by the manicures they keep. Nails are peeled, pared, -polished and painted, while the owner’s rough mind -lives in the cellar and garret of mental and moral poverty.</p> - -<p>Manicuring is a society luxury for men and women -who form the polished horde of bores and bored. The -world is still deceived with fuss and feathers and people -who hide grossness with fair ornament.</p> - -<p>The manicure is a necessity for musicians, doctors—and -dudes and darlings in society who, beyond the -actual care of their body, in food, dress and drink, -think their hands were only made to wear gloves, -rings, be manicured, held or united in a “good catch” -marriage.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> - -<p>The rich are manicured who have money to burn. -The idle are manicured who have time to waste. The -idiots are manicured who have no idea of the value of -time or money. Libertines are manicured who play -guilty Fausts to pure and innocent Margarets. Hotel -leechers and loafers are manicured who forget mother, -sister, wife or sweetheart.</p> - -<p>They have no time or money for church or charity, -but sit by the hour holding a girl’s hand, looking into -her face, trying to fan a spark of passion into their -burnt-out cinder body while with hand, foot, eye and -tongue they try to make a date.</p> - -<p>The word “hand” means to hold or seize and is -to man what the claw is to the bird, fin to fish, and hoof -to horse. The hand is marvelously made with 27 bones, -8 of which are in the wrist, 5 form the palms, and 14 -the bones or phalanges, or fingers. The hand was -made for work, as proved by anatomy and Scripture—“Go -to work”; “Work earnestly with both hands”; -“Handsome is that handsome does”; and black or -white hands are fine which do good work. Angelo -carving marble, Raphael painting Madonnas, Shakespeare -writing immortal dramas, Beethoven copying -heavenly symphonies, Washington drawing his sword -for liberty, and Lincoln penning the Emancipation -Proclamation, spent little time or money in manicuring -parlors.</p> - -<p>Beautiful are the hands of wife, sister, man or -friend which have directed, lead and lifted us by pitfall, -through marsh and despair to mount the height on -which we stand—hands perfumed with prayer, baptized<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> -with tears, clasped with affection, and generous -with charity.</p> - -<p>The man ought to be horsewhipped who uses the -words “hard,” “homely,” “unmanicured,” of the -hands of a father, calloused that they might give daily -bread; hands of a mother, blistered and aching for -work never done until they are crossed white in the -coffin and God gives them rest; baby hands which twine -around the trellis of our hearts and are unclasped by -Death.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Another “international marriage” has gone the -way of many spectacular predecessors—through the -divorce mill.</p> - -<p>In this it is hardly noteworthy. Experience and -commonsense alike indicate that such unions rarely -can be successful. The base allurements of a British -title on one side and American gold on the other, are -not the sources in which wholesome happiness finds -its inspiration.</p> - -<p>But in quite another way there is something worth -noting in the divorce proceedings through which Consuelo -Vanderbilt has freed herself, at last, from the -disreputable ninth duke of Marlborough. It is the -revelation, through her simple letters, of the true nobility -of birth which does not rest upon a “Burke’s Peerage” -or an “Almanach de Gotha.”</p> - -<p>Miss Vanderbilt married this highly decorated -fortune hunter in 1895. Two children were born to -them. For their sakes the American wife, with womanly -reserve, suffered much indignity during many<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> -years. Eventually driven to a separation, she still -endured in silence, without resort to the unsavory publicity -of divorce, reflecting upon her growing sons.</p> - -<p>These children came of age last winter. The wife -then made a last brave effort toward reconciliation. -There was a brief reunion—ending in a disgraceful -visit of the 45-year-old duke to Paris with a 25-year-old -female companion.</p> - -<p>Blood will tell—the plain American kinds and -likewise the tainted blue sort that trickles through -“noble” veins.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Noah was building the ark. A gang of “drys” -hung around criticizing the job.</p> - -<p>“Ever built an ark before?” asked the leader of -the gang.</p> - -<p>“Nope,” replied Noah, pounding away.</p> - -<p>“By what right do you assume that this boat -will be a success?” asked the other. “This has always -been a dry country and there has never been any need -for a so-called ark. What experience have you had -with your so-called ark upon which to base so absurd -a claim as that it will float? Don’t you know that -umbrellas and gaiters have gotten us through the thunderstorms -for the last forty years? There can be no -hope of success for your so-called ark.”</p> - -<p>But Noah kept on building away. Then came the -Deluge, and for once in history, the knockers got what -was coming to them.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Smokehouse Poetry</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><i>Smokehouse Poetry will lead the February issue readers -through a variety of red-blooded gems, including, for instance, -a bright little jingle from the pen of a new Kipling. His name -is Carl M. Higdon and his first offering is “The Shimmy -Shaker,” and what it lacks in veteran polish is made up in -breezy sway. Such as thus:</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>She could shimmy on a mountain,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>She could shimmy in a pool;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>When it comes to shimmy shaking,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>She’s a shimmy shaking fool.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><i>Last month we promised to give you a full portion of -George R. Sims’ tragic masterpiece, and so here we offer it for -your approval.</i></p> - -<h3>’Ostler Joe</h3> - -<p class="center">By George R. Sims.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I stood at eve when the sun went down, by a grave where a woman lies,</div> -<div class="verse">Who lured men’s souls to the shores of sin with the light of wanton eyes;</div> -<div class="verse">Who sang the song that the siren sang on the treacherous Lurley height,</div> -<div class="verse">Whose face was as fair as a summer’s day, and whose heart was as black as night.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yet a blossom I fain would pluck today from the garden above her dust,</div> -<div class="verse">Not the languorous lily of soulless sin, nor the blood red rose of lust,</div> -<div class="verse">But a sweet white blossom of holy love that grew in that one green spot,</div> -<div class="verse">In the arid desert of Phryne’s life where all else was parched and hot.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In the summer, when the meadows were aglow with blue and red,</div> -<div class="verse">Joe, the ’ostler of “The Magpie,” and fair Annie Smith were wed;</div> -<div class="verse">Plump was Annie, plump and pretty, with a face as fair as snow,</div> -<div class="verse">He was anything but handsome was the “Magpie’s” ’ostler Joe.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But he won the winsome lassie, they’d a cottage and a cow,</div> -<div class="verse">And her matronhood sat lightly on the village beauty’s brow;</div> -<div class="verse">Sped the months, and came a baby—such a blue-eyed baby boy!</div> -<div class="verse">Joe was working in the stables when they told him of his joy.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He was rubbing down the horses—gave them then and there,</div> -<div class="verse">All a special feed of clover, just in honor of his heir;</div> -<div class="verse">It had been his great ambition (and he told the horses so)</div> -<div class="verse">That the fates would send a baby who might bear the name of Joe.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Little Joe, the child was christened and like babies grew apace,</div> -<div class="verse">He’d his mother’s eyes of azure, and his father’s honest face;</div> -<div class="verse">Swift the happy years went over, years of blue and cloudless sky,</div> -<div class="verse">Love was lord of that small cottage and the tempest passed them by.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Down the lane by Annie’s cottage chanced a gentleman to roam,</div> -<div class="verse">He caught a glimpse of Annie in her bright and happy home;</div> -<div class="verse">Thrice he came and saw her sitting by the window with her child.</div> -<div class="verse">And he nodded to the baby and the baby laughed and smiled.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So at last it grew to know him (Little Joe was nearly four),</div> -<div class="verse">He would call the pretty “gemplum” as he passed the open door;</div> -<div class="verse">And one day he ran and caught him and in child’s play pulled him in,</div> -<div class="verse">And the baby Joe had prayed for brought about the mother’s sin.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">’Twas the same old wretched story that for ages bards have sung,</div> -<div class="verse">’Twas a woman, weak and wanton, and a villain’s tempting tongue;</div> -<div class="verse">’Twas a picture deftly painted for silly creature’s eyes,</div> -<div class="verse">Of the Babylonian wonders and the joy that in them lies.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Annie listened and was tempted—was tempted and she fell,</div> -<div class="verse">As the angels fell from heaven to the blackest depth of hell;</div> -<div class="verse">She was promised wealth and splendor and a life of gentle sloth,</div> -<div class="verse">Yellow gold for child and husband—and the woman left them both.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Home one eve came Joe, the ’ostler, with a cheery cry of “wife!”</div> -<div class="verse">Finding that which blurred forever all the story of his life;</div> -<div class="verse">She had left a silly letter, through the cruel scrawl he spelt,</div> -<div class="verse">Then he sought the lonely bedroom, joined his horny hands and</div> -<div class="verse">knelt.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Now, O Lord, forgive her, for she ain’t to blame,” he cried;</div> -<div class="verse">“For I ought to seen her trouble and a-gone away and died;</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -<div class="verse">Why a girl like her—God bless her—’twasn’t likely as her’d rest</div> -<div class="verse">With her bonny head forever on a ’ostler’s ragged vest.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“It was kind o’ her to bear with me, all the long and happy time,</div> -<div class="verse">So for my sake please to bless her, though you count her deed a crime;</div> -<div class="verse">If so be I don’t pray proper, Lord, forgive me, for you see</div> -<div class="verse">I can talk all right to ’osses, but I’m kinder o’ strange with Thee.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Ne’er a line came to the cottage from the woman who had flown,</div> -<div class="verse">Joe, the baby, died that winter and the man was left alone;</div> -<div class="verse">Ne’er a bitter word he uttered, but in silence kissed the rod,</div> -<div class="verse">Saving what he told his horses, saving what he told his God.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Far away in mighty London rose the wanton into fame,</div> -<div class="verse">For her beauty won men’s homage and she prospered in her shame;</div> -<div class="verse">Quick from lord to lord she flitted, higher still each prize she won,</div> -<div class="verse">And her rivals paled beside her as the stars beside the sun.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Next she trod the stage half naked and she dragged a temple down</div> -<div class="verse">To the level of a market for the women of the town;</div> -<div class="verse">And the kisses she had given to poor ’ostler Joe for naught,</div> -<div class="verse">With their gold and priceless jewels rich and titled roues bought.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Went the years with flying footsteps while her star was at its height.</div> -<div class="verse">Then the darkness came on swiftly and the gloaming turned to night;</div> -<div class="verse">Shattered strength and faded beauty tore the laurels from her brow,</div> -<div class="verse">Of the thousands who had worshipped, never one came near her now.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Broken down in health and fortune men forgot her very name,</div> -<div class="verse">Till the news that she was dying woke the echoes of her fame;</div> -<div class="verse">And the papers in their gossip mentioned how an actress lay</div> -<div class="verse">Sick to death in humble lodgings, growing weaker every day.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">One there was who read the story in a far-off country place,</div> -<div class="verse">And that night the dying woman woke and looked upon his face;</div> -<div class="verse">Once again the strong arms clasped her that had clasped her long ago,</div> -<div class="verse">And the weary head lay pillowed upon the breast of ’ostler Joe.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">All the past he had forgiven—all the sorrow and the shame,</div> -<div class="verse">He had found her sick and lonely and his wife he now could claim;</div> -<div class="verse">Since the grand folks who had known her one and all had slunk away,</div> -<div class="verse">He could clasp his long-lost darling and no man could say him nay.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In his arms death found her lying, from his arms her spirit fled,</div> -<div class="verse">And his tears came down in torrents as he knelt beside his dead;</div> -<div class="verse">Never once his love had faltered through her sad unhallowed life,</div> -<div class="verse">And the stone above her ashes bears the sacred name of wife.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">That’s the blossom I fain would pluck today from the garden above her dust,</div> -<div class="verse">Not the languorous lily of soulless sin, nor the blood red rose of lust;</div> -<div class="verse">But a sweet white blossom of holy love that grew in the one green spot,</div> -<div class="verse">In the arid desert of Phryne’s life where all else was parched and hot.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Stranded</h3> - -<p class="center">By H. H. Bennett</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">’Twas on a sunny morn in June,</div> -<div class="verse">The bee had put his pipes a-tune</div> -<div class="verse">And buzzed his way across a field,</div> -<div class="verse">The while the birds their love-song spieled.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He buzzed and ate full many an hour,</div> -<div class="verse">Then crawled into a dainty flower</div> -<div class="verse">And curled himself up for a nap,</div> -<div class="verse">The same as any drowsy chap.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A cow came browsing through the moor</div> -<div class="verse">And towards the little floweret bore;</div> -<div class="verse">Not knowing that the bee was there,</div> -<div class="verse">She put it on her bill of fare.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So rudely wakened from his doze,</div> -<div class="verse">His beeship’s fiery temper rose.</div> -<div class="verse">“Old Cow,” he said, “I’ll sting you deep</div> -<div class="verse">When I have finished up my sleep.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So, cuddling in his darksome den,</div> -<div class="verse">Eftsoons he went to sleep again.</div> -<div class="verse">He slumbered on till nearly dawn—</div> -<div class="verse">When he awoke, the cow had gone.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Evolution Up to Date</h3> - -<p><i>In the December issue we had the original Langdon -Smith’s “Evolution”. Now steps forth Lewis Allen with a -much more modern expression on the tadpole and fish idea. -This is it:</i></p> - -<p class="center">By Lewis Allen.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When you were a tadpole and I was a fish</div> -<div class="verse indent2">In the palaeozoic time,</div> -<div class="verse">’Twas side by side near the ebbing tide</div> -<div class="verse indent2">We tangoed through the slime.</div> -<div class="verse">We skittered with many a caudal flip</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Through the maze of each fox-trot step,</div> -<div class="verse">For we had the craze in those ancient days—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">To the dance stuff we were hep.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Mindless we lived, and mindless we loved,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And mindless we passed away—</div> -<div class="verse">Which all goes to show that long ago</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Our brains were the brains of today.</div> -<div class="verse">The world turned on “in the lathe of time”</div> -<div class="verse indent2">With many a mighty twist.</div> -<div class="verse">We were normal then, beyond your ken.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">No watch adorned your wrist!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We were amphibians, scaled and tailed,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And garbed in the latest style.</div> -<div class="verse">We coiled at ease, ’neath the dripping trees,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Or played with a crocodile.</div> -<div class="verse">Croaking and blind, with our side-laced feet,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Writing a language dumb,</div> -<div class="verse">Though we had no brains, we had no pains,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And that was going some.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yet happy we lived, and happy we loved,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And happy we went our way,</div> -<div class="verse">And believe me, kid, when I say we did,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Which is more than we do today.</div> -<div class="verse">And the aeons came, and the aeons fled,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And days came with the nights,</div> -<div class="verse">To our surprise, we all had eyes,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">So we took in the sights.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Then light and swift through the jungle trees</div> -<div class="verse indent2">We swung from bough to bough,</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> -<div class="verse">Or loafed ’mid the balms of the fronded palms—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Wish we could do it now!</div> -<div class="verse">And Oh! what beautiful years were those</div> -<div class="verse indent2">When we learned the use of speech,</div> -<div class="verse">When our lives were stilled and our senses thrilled</div> -<div class="verse indent2">As we chattered with some dear peach!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And that was a million years ago;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Years that have fled away,</div> -<div class="verse">Yet here tonight in the glaring light</div> -<div class="verse indent2">We sit in a wild cafe.</div> -<div class="verse">And your thoughts are deep as a buckwheat cake.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Your peroxide hair is great;</div> -<div class="verse">Though your heart is cold and your age is old,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">You love to hesitate.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Once we howled through the jungle wastes.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">With a club each won his mate.</div> -<div class="verse">And she had to work, nor could she shirk,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Lest a blow would be her fate.</div> -<div class="verse">But now we go on our bended knees</div> -<div class="verse indent2">To a girl we would make our wife,</div> -<div class="verse">And she keeps us broke until we croak—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Alas for the modern life!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So as we dance at luncheon here,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Missing each savory dish,</div> -<div class="verse">I’m feeling blue, for I wish that you</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Were a Tadpole and I a Fish!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Siam’s National Anthem</h3> - -<p class="center">(To the Tune of “America.”)</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Ova tannas Siam</div> -<div class="verse">Geeva tannas Siam</div> -<div class="verse">Ova tannas</div> -<div class="verse">Sucha tammas Siam</div> -<div class="verse">Inocan gif fa tam</div> -<div class="verse">Osucha nas Siam</div> -<div class="verse">Osucha nas.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Regular Present</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">She wouldn’t tell what Santa brought;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">We hope this don’t sound shocking—</div> -<div class="verse">But when she got in her brand new car,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">We saw what she had in her stocking.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Confessions of a Dope Fiend</h3> - -<p><i>The following poem, written by a dope fiend, is the first -of a series he has contributed to this magazine. Although -these poems are morbid in character, the editor hopes their -lesson will serve as warning to all to “touch not, taste, shoot -nor smoke.” This is the author s opening explanation:</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>I started out wrong when I was a kid,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>And now my days are blue;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Cigarettes, booze, wild women and dope—</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>I’m a wreck at twenty-two.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>In Dreamy Chinatown</h3> - -<p class="center">By B.T., Los Angeles</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">As I lie in this room, all hazy with smoke</div> -<div class="verse">From the “dopes” smoking hop and sniffing at coke,</div> -<div class="verse">My mind wanders back just a short year ago</div> -<div class="verse">To the time I first started at hitting the snow.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But soon I’ll be dreaming again in my sleep</div> -<div class="verse">Of my little gray home away ’cross the deep;</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve thought of dear mother as much as I can,</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve fought ’gainst the dope and fought like a man.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But here as I lie on my dirty old bunk</div> -<div class="verse">In the Hong Kong hotel, with my head full of junk,</div> -<div class="verse">I am hopelessly gone and await the last bell</div> -<div class="verse">That will usher me home to the dark depths of hell.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There’s a little red devil a-prodding my feet,</div> -<div class="verse">Begging me gently to fall into sleep;</div> -<div class="verse">I’m gradually slipping, so here’s my last knell,</div> -<div class="verse">Because I am under the Chinaman’s spell.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Flirtation in a Flower Bed</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I had a flower garden,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But my love for it is dead,</div> -<div class="verse">’Cause I found a bachelor’s button</div> -<div class="verse indent1">In my black-eyed susans’ bed.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Fairies Revel in Moonshine</h3> - -<p><i>When old Bill Shakespeare outlined his tale for “The -Merry Wives of Windsor,” he certainly used extraordinary -judgment in peering into the future. His fifth act and fifth -scene are almost a duplicate of present life in New York City—that -grand village by the sea, where red neckties sell at a premium -and moonshine lights the bright Broadway. Here are -just four lines that tell a story in themselves:</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die;</div> -<div class="verse">I’ll wink and couch; no man their works must eye.</div> -<div class="verse">Fairies, black, grey, green and white,</div> -<div class="verse">You moonshine revellers, and shades of night.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Something Stirring</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse center">(First Convulsion.)</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Her death was so sudden,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Her death was so sad,</div> -<div class="verse">She gave up her life,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">’Twas all that she had.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse center">(Second Convulsion.)</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">She now lies sleeping silently</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Beneath a willow bough;</div> -<div class="verse">There’s always something stirring</div> -<div class="verse indent1">When a freight train meets a cow.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>That’s When I Need You</h3> - -<p class="center">(Serenade of a Whiz Bang Hen.)</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I don’t need you in the morning,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t need you in the night,</div> -<div class="verse">I don’t need you when I’m hungry,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t need you when I fight;</div> -<div class="verse">I don’t need you when I’m lonely,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I don’t need you when I’m blue—</div> -<div class="verse">But when Farmer Billy wants some eggs,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">That’s when I need you.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Tell Him Now</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If with pleasure you are viewing any work a man is doing.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">If you like him, or you love him, tell him now;</div> -<div class="verse">Don’t withhold your approbation till the parson makes oration</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And he lies with snowy lilies o’er his brow;</div> -<div class="verse">For no matter how you shout it, he won’t really care about it,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">He won’t know how many tear-drops you have shed.</div> -<div class="verse">If you think some praise is due him, now’s the time to slip it to him,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">For he cannot read his tombstone when he’s dead.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">More than fame and more than money is the comment kind and sunny,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And the hearty, warm approval of a friend,</div> -<div class="verse">For it gives to life a savor, and it makes you stronger, braver,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And it gives you heart and spirit to the end.</div> -<div class="verse">If he earns your praise, bestow it; if you like him, let him know it—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Let the words of true encouragement be said.</div> -<div class="verse">Do not wait till life is over, and he’s underneath the clover,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">For he cannot read his tombstone when he’s dead.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Or a Finger Ring</h3> - -<p class="center">By Gabe Caffrey.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I want to be a doctor with prescriptions all my own,</div> -<div class="verse">To write them out and flop about</div> -<div class="verse">As dead as any stone.</div> -<div class="verse">I’d love to be a physician and have my little nip</div> -<div class="verse">Oh, I want to be a doctor—</div> -<div class="verse">And sip, and sip, and sip.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Come on, Joe</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Gone are the days when we got beer in a can,</div> -<div class="verse">Gone are the days before we got the ban,</div> -<div class="verse">Gone are the days when we were a highball fan;</div> -<div class="verse">I hear the angels sadly calling, “Come, dry man.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse center">(Chorus.)</div> -<div class="verse">I’m coming, I’m coming,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And I have the ready dough;</div> -<div class="verse">I hear those dominoes a-calling,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">“Come on, Joe.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Police Inspection</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We were crowded in the cellar,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Not a soul would dare to sleep,</div> -<div class="verse">It was midnight in the barroom</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And Old Joe lay in a heap.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">As we huddled there in darkness,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Each one seeing snakes and bears,</div> -<div class="verse">“They’re all drunk,” the barkeep shouted,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">As he staggered down the stairs.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But his little barmaid whispered,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Passing him a quart of gin:</div> -<div class="verse">“There’s a ‘copper’ at the back door,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Should I let the ‘cuckoo’ in?”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How Old Is Ann?</h3> - -<p class="center">By Billy Bea</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Where can a man buy a cap for his knee?</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Or a key for a lock of his hair?</div> -<div class="verse">Or can his eyes be an academy</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Because there are pupils there?</div> -<div class="verse">In the crown of his head, what gems are found?</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Who travels the bridge of his nose?</div> -<div class="verse">Does the calf of his leg get hungry at times</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And devour the corn on his toes?</div> -<div class="verse">Can the crook of his elbow be sent to jail?</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Where’s the shade from the palm of his hand?</div> -<div class="verse">How does he sharpen his shoulder blades?</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I’m tammed if I understand.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Bachelor’s Dream</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Then give us the dances of days long gone by,</div> -<div class="verse">With plenty of clothes and steps not so high;</div> -<div class="verse">Oust turkey-trot capers and buttermilk glides,</div> -<div class="verse">The hurdy-gurd twist and the wiggle-tail slide.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Then let us feast our tired optics once more</div> -<div class="verse">On a genuine woman as sweet as of yore;</div> -<div class="verse">Yes, Time, please turn backward and grant our request</div> -<div class="verse">For God’s richest blessing—but not one undressed.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Pasture Pot Pourri</h2> - -</div> - -<p>Eczema, Oh! Eczema, don’t be so rash.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>My cross-eyed sweetheart became my cockeyed -bride.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">Why do the widow’s wiles usually win out against -the maiden’s smiles?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">The pure food law doesn’t guarantee “preserved peaches.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>He Drinks Hair Tonic</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He asked me if I’d kiss him,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">I kissed him once or twice,</div> -<div class="verse">I know I hadn’t ought to,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But, my Gawd, he smelled so nice.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Favorite Quotations</h3> - -<p class="smaller">I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.—Nat Goodwin.</p> - -<p class="smaller">What is home without another.—Jack Johnson.</p> - -<p class="smaller">I feel like the end of a misspent life.—Wm. J. Bryan.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Listen, my children, and you shall hear</div> -<div class="verse">Of the midnight raid on the neighbor’s beer.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold">We will now sing: “The World Is Mine,” by -Jawn D. Rockefeller.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Man</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Take up thy bed, oh hunted one;</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Make haste and quickly flee;</div> -<div class="verse">And when thou starts, do more than run</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Lest woman and marriage overtaketh thee.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Advertisement: Colored woman wants washing.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Or on the Ear</h3> - -<p>Eminent Physician—As we have no idea what the -fashions may be when your daughter grows up, I think -it wise to vaccinate her on the tongue.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We’d Quit ’er</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">’Tis sad to love</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But oh, how bitter,</div> -<div class="verse">To have a girl,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Whose face don’t fitter.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Noise Like a Kiss</h3> - -<p class="sans">What can a woman do that will make a horse go, a dog come, -and a man stay?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Never hesitate in telling a woman that you love her—it increases -her self-respect.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Pat died and went to Heaven.</p> - -<p>“Why, Pat!” exclaimed St. Peter, “How did you -get here?”</p> - -<p>“Flu.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>And He’ll Crow</h3> - -<p>The modern chicken reminds one of the girl at -the table who let an egg fall on the floor. She said to -the man next to her, in a horrified whisper: “O, I’ve -dropped an egg! What shall I do?” He replied: -“Cackle.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Monkey-shine</h3> - -<p class="center">By Vivian Yeiser Laramore.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Said the monkey maid to her monkey mate,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">“These cocoanuts are fine,</div> -<div class="verse">Let’s leave a few in the sun to brew,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And make some ‘monkey-shine.’”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Mule Wasn’t So Sensitive</h3> - -<p>“The language you use to that mule is perfectly -shocking!”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” replied the driver, “it seems to trouble -everybody but the mule.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Immodesty’s Penalty</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The Eskimo sleeps in his little bear skin,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And keeps very warm, I am told.</div> -<div class="verse">Last night I slept in my little bare skin</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And caught a hell of a cold.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A little girl went to the soda clerk behind the -fountain and asked for a “Billy Sundae.” The clerk -gave her a nut sundae.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Said the fruit jar to the top: “You’ll have to use -a rubber on me, ‘Old Top’.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Re-published After Many Requests</h3> - -<p>FOR SALE—One Ford car with piston ring, two -rear wheels, one front spring; has no fenders, seat or -plank; burns lots of gas and is hard to crank; carburetor -busted half way through; engine missing—hits -on two; three years old, four in the spring; has -shock absorbers and everything; radiator busted—sure -does leak; differential dry—you can hear it squeak; -ten spokes missing; front all bent; top blown off—ain’t -worth a cent; got lots of speed, runs like the deuce; -burns either gas or tobacco juice; tire all off, been run -on rim; she’s a darn good Liz for the shape she’s in.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Some go to church to meet their lover;</div> -<div class="verse">Others go their faults to cover;</div> -<div class="verse">Some go there to blink and nod—</div> -<div class="verse">But darn few go to worship God.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>The improprieties of yesterday are the fashion of -today.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Elucidated</h3> - -<p>“A woman’s life is divided into two great -periods.”</p> - -<p>“Elucidate.”</p> - -<p>“The first she spends looking for a husband, and -the second looking after him.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Heaven will protect a working girl, but whoinell -will entertain her?</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Classified Ads</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>It’s No Good Now, Algy</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Denver Post.)</p> - -<p class="sans">For Sale—One Twin bed, never used, or might trade for baby -buggy.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wait Till 1922</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Gary, Ind., Tribune.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Lost—White mule, 3 years old, finder return to Antonio Cazarro. -That’s pretty old for white mule.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Persian Cat Again</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Clinton Herald.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Lost—A large white tomcat with gray tail and two gray spots -on body. Return to 1306 S. 3d st. and receive reward.</p> - -<p class="sans">Lost—Topsy, black Persian cat. Anyone seeing her call 231 5th -ave.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Michigan Methods</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Lansing State Journal.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Lady desiring room with mate free, may have same by inquiring -221 Townsend.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>What Runs?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Boston Transcript.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Will deposits in the Lisle Silk bank be increased because of the -runs?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>That’s A’right, We’re Wed</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Bulletin of the U. of M.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Class in swimming of married couples will be organized Monday. -Ladies’ suits furnished if desired.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pretty Soft</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Watertown, S. D., Public Opinion.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Wanted—An assistant housekeeper in a family of two. Good -home, easy job. No children and none expected. Nothing but a -Spaniel pup, looked after by head of family. A mighty fine chance -for the right person. Phone 4765.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Tells the World</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Winnipeg Free Press.)</p> - -<p class="sans">I, Francis William Crink, am not responsible for any debts after -Oct. 1 of Mrs. Crink, now living with Mr. Peabody, window cleaner, -at 744 Winnipeg ave.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Chiropodist or Manicurist?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Indianapolis News.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Miss Edith May Hiatt, 18 When Building, personal attention -which assures you absolute satisfaction.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Traveling Men, Attention!</h3> - -<p class="center">(Knoxville Journal and Tribune.)</p> - -<p class="sans">FOR RENT—A traveling man’s wife, alone in a big 8-room -house, wishes to rent three or four nice, unfurnished rooms to a -congenial couple, or to two business women. Bath, hot and cold -water furnished, with use of phone. Call Old Phone 3988.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Complications</h3> - -<p>“Yes, Private Smith was making a splendid recovery, -but now there are complications.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I am so sorry! Did he catch pneumonia?”</p> - -<p>“No, he was caught kissing the nurse!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Wet Wedding</h3> - -<p class="sans">Weddings, like other things, are progressive affairs in Idaho. -Look at this from an Idaho paper:</p> - -<p class="sans">“Yesterday at high noon Miss Helen ⸺ and Ward ⸺ -were united in marriage at the home of the bride’s parents in Wardner. -The ceremony was performed in the spacious living room -which was beautifully decorated in syringes.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Jest Jokes and Jingles</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Damphoolishness</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The woodry-blee pipes oolie-goo,</div> -<div class="verse">While on the brinkers grimes the moo.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">God save the King, the soldiers cried,</div> -<div class="verse">And then they took a trolley ride.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A rooster crowed upon the hill,</div> -<div class="verse">His name was William—she called him Bill.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">’Twas bitter cold at Valley Forge,</div> -<div class="verse">But nothing ever rattled George.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The berries were growing on the vine,</div> -<div class="verse">Three times thirteen is thirty-nine.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Out in the kitchen a maiden fair</div> -<div class="verse">Plucked from the hash a golden hair.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Woman’s hair—beautiful hair,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">What words of praise I’d utter;</div> -<div class="verse">But, oh, how sick it makes me feel</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To find it in my butter.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Looking Up</h3> - -<p>“Look up!” cries the optimist.</p> - -<p>“Look upward!” shouts the revivalist.</p> - -<p>And yet Robert Bailey was fined $1 and costs or -ten days because he looked up while under the Stadium -bleachers.</p> - -<p>The police said there were ladies up above.</p> - -<p class="right">—Toronto Telegram.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He took her rowing on the lake;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">She vowed she’d go no more.</div> -<div class="verse">I asked her why—her answer came:</div> -<div class="verse indent2">“He only hugged the shore.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A woman’s first kiss may be attributed to childish -curiosity; her second to misplaced confidence; the -others are just downright carelessness.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Not So Fond of It</h3> - -<p>Mrs. Benham: “You used to say that I was the -apple of your eye.”</p> - -<p>Benham: “Well, what of it?”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Benham: “Nothing; except that you don’t -seem to care so much for fruit as you once did.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was a girl in her own boudoir,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And she was tall and handsome;</div> -<div class="verse">And every time the wind blew hard,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">It blew right through her transom.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Seven Ages of Man</h3> - -<p>The seven ages of man have recently been tabulated -on an acquisitive basis, as follows:</p> - -<p>First Age—Sees the earth.</p> - -<p>Second Age—Wants it.</p> - -<p>Third Age—Starts to get it.</p> - -<p>Fourth Age—Decides to be satisfied with half of it.</p> - -<p>Fifth Age—Becomes still more moderate.</p> - -<p>Sixth Age—Now content to possess a six by two -foot strip of it.</p> - -<p>Seventh Age—Gets the strip.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Under the swinging street car strap,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">The homely old maid stands,</div> -<div class="verse">And stands and stands and stands and stands,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And stands and stands and stands.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—Luke McLuke.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Har Du Got a Hod?</h3> - -<p>An Irishman died and went to heaven. St. Peter -said, “I’m sorry, but we just got a big consignment of -Swedes from Minneapolis today and there is no more -room.” “Can I get in if I make room?” asked the -late arrival. “Certainly,” said St. Peter. The Irishman -shouted through the gate, “Hey, you fellows, -there’s free snuff in hell.” And he made room, all -right.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Society Note: Mr. Potter of Pottersfield felt cold -and stiff this morning.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>In a Garden</h3> - -<p>As I walked along the paths this morning picking -flowers, I found in the yellow heart of a Lady Slipper, -a little brown bee. My first impulse was to shake him -out of his honeyed abode, but as I looked at his velvety -body and the sunlit rainbow wings, a foolish tenderness -surged over me. Perhaps there were baby bees -at home that would starve if papa bee did not bring -back honey; and how useful this little creature was, -carrying the pollen from flower to flower—so I moved -on, leaving him unmolested. But even as I turned -away thinking these pure, sweet thoughts, the darn -thing stung me.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When Adam in bliss</div> -<div class="verse">Asked Eve for a kiss,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">She puckered her lips with a coo;</div> -<div class="verse">With looks quite ecstatic,</div> -<div class="verse">Gave answer emphatic:</div> -<div class="verse indent1">“I don’t care A-dam if I do.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—Flo.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>And she said I must Seattle as she rose Tacoma -her hair, for if I wear my nice New Jersey, what will -Delaware?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>When Greek meets Greek—they open a fruit store; -but when Irish meet English they open an uproar.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Beats me how these girls keep their dresses up. -Must be strength of mind that does it.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Our Rural Mail Box</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b>Dear Bill</b>—Did you hear that they traded Manhattan -for 24 cases of whisky and that now they want -to trade it back? Yours till the Statue of Liberty -shimmies up the Hudson, Flo.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dear Captain Billy</b>—I live at 268 W. Rayen Ave., -Youngstown, Ohio, and the other evening I saw this -question and answer in your July issue:</p> - -<div class="blockquote"> - -<p><b>Dear Bill</b>—What does my brother mean -when he speaks of the “depth bombs” and -“submarine chasers” in army hospitals?—<b>Miss -Curiosity.</b></p> - -<p>Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope -for reply.</p> - -</div> - -<p>I am sending same and hope to hear from you. -Resp. yours, John Wilson.</p> - -<p>(Editor’s Note—Dear Mr. Wilson: I have referred -your letter to Miss Curiosity, who undoubtedly will -answer you personally.)</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Dot</b>—A. is right. Get out and walk.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Rhoda</b>—Yes. You are old enough to wear what -you please. That is as far as your parents are concerned. -But the police will not respect your age.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Madge</b>—The Doctor was correct. After an operation -for appendicitis the cut shouldn’t show.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Alden M.</b>—Can give you no advice about free love. -Always thought love very expensive.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Hazel</b>—Do not marry the sixty year old millionaire. -He’s too old and too young to bring you happiness.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Jacqueline</b>—Jackie, for short, you said you wanted -to write me the worst way. You did, I can hardly read -your letter. Try again.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Ima Flirt</b>—Yes, love is blind, as the old saying -goes—but the neighbors are not. Pull down your -shades after this.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Mable</b>—If the day be muddy and the boys will -stand on the corner it’s up to you to make good. Will -speak to the cashier about sending you silk stockings.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b>Jim</b>—If you are dancing with another man’s wife -it is proper to let him see light between you.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Luscious Limericks</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was a young man from Art Creek,</div> -<div class="verse">Who went around dressed in batik,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">When they asked, “Are you well?”</div> -<div class="verse indent2">He replied, “Ain’t it hell?</div> -<div class="verse">But in Art it’s the very last shriek.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Another young chicken named Mary</div> -<div class="verse">Was in love with a youngster named Larry,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And when it was dark</div> -<div class="verse indent2">They went to the park,</div> -<div class="verse">And there they did tarry and tarry.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was a young feller named Aster</div> -<div class="verse">Who went in a wild bullock’s pasture;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">The sweater he wore</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Made the poor bully sore,</div> -<div class="verse">And so he ran faster and faster.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A sculptor made nymphs and bacchantes,</div> -<div class="verse">Omitting the coaties and panties,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Till a kind-hearted Madam,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Who knew where they had ’em.</div> -<div class="verse">Donated some warm Ypsilantis.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Impulsive Cuss</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A maiden not lacking in pride</div> -<div class="verse">Went out with her beau for a ride.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">She said, “Tell me, Joe,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">How far do you go?”</div> -<div class="verse">“The sky is my limit!” he cried.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was an old sculptor named Phidias,</div> -<div class="verse">Whose knowledge of art was invidious.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">He carved Aphrodite</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Without any nightie,</div> -<div class="verse">Which shocked all the people fastidious.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There was a young lady named Florence,</div> -<div class="verse">Who for kissing professed great abhorrence.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">At last she was kissed,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And said: “My! What I’ve missed!”</div> -<div class="verse">And cried till the tears fell in torrents.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">This story may be overdrawn,</div> -<div class="verse">But now that my ink is all gone,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I’ll say goodby, guys,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And cease with my lies;</div> -<div class="verse">’Tis yours very truly,—Bull Kahn.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Even the repeal of the Eighteenth amendment -wouldn’t do the brewers any good. Everybody knows -how to make his own, now.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>I Like ’em, God Bless ’em</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">These widowers are an elusive lot,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I like ’em!</div> -<div class="verse">They make you forego the sense you’ve got,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I like ’em!</div> -<div class="verse">They call you young, they think you’re green,</div> -<div class="verse">For blasé women they’re beaucoup keen,</div> -<div class="verse">They’re the worst darn pests I’ve ever seen,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I like ’em.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—By Flo.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The best man that ever lived</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Must take his child on faith alone,</div> -<div class="verse">But the worst woman that ever lived</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Knows that her child’s her own.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>That Osculating Thing</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A little kissing now and then</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Is why we have the married men.</div> -<div class="verse indent1">A little kissing, too, of course,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Is why we have the quick divorce.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Alphabet of Love</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A is the art of man and maid;</div> -<div class="verse">B is the blush, so fair, displayed;</div> -<div class="verse">C is the challenge in the eyes;</div> -<div class="verse">D the dare that soon replies;</div> -<div class="verse">E but why the rest recall?</div> -<div class="verse">The rest is E-Z, that’s all.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A buzz ran ’round the party,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Some maids were e’en in tears;</div> -<div class="verse">A blasé girl—ye Gods, the shame—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Had left exposed her ears.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The melancholy days have come,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">The saddest of the year.</div> -<div class="verse">There’s no coal in the cellar,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And no goodness in the beer.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If I had a girl and she was mine,</div> -<div class="verse">I’d paint her back with iodine;</div> -<div class="verse">And on her ankles I’d place this sign,</div> -<div class="verse">“Keep off the lunch, they’re mine, they’re mine.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Sincerity</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Let me live in a house</div> -<div class="verse">By the side of the road</div> -<div class="verse">Where the races of men go by;</div> -<div class="verse">The men who are good</div> -<div class="verse">And the men who are bad,</div> -<div class="verse">Just as good and as bad as I.</div> -<div class="verse">I would not sit on the scorner’s seat</div> -<div class="verse">Or hurl the Cynic’s ban;</div> -<div class="verse">But let me live in a house</div> -<div class="verse">By the side of the road</div> -<div class="verse">And be a friend to man.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> - -<p class="center larger">BATHING BEAUTIES!</p> - -<img src="images/bathing.jpg" width="400" height="610" alt="Photograph of two young ladies in 1920s swimwear" /> - -<p class="caption">Real photographs -of the -famous California Bathing Girls.</p> - -<p class="caption">Just the thing -for your den.</p> - -<p class="caption">Size 3½×5½.</p> - -<p class="caption">Positively the -best on the -market.</p> - -<p class="caption">Assortment of -6 for 25 cents -or 25 for $1.00.</p> - -<p class="caption">Send money -order or stamps.</p> - -<p class="caption">Foreign money -not accepted unless -exchange -is included.</p> - -<p class="caption">Egbert Brothers, -Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, -LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA</p> - -<p class="caption"><i>Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale terms.</i></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="w40"> - -<div class="bbox-top"> - -<p class="center larger"><i>Milady’s stocking, -like a doctor’s -prescription blank, -must be filled -to be appreciated.</i></p> - -</div> - -<div class="bbox"> - -<p class="fts"><i>Start the New Year right and fill in the coupon below NOW. $2.50 per year.</i></p> - -<div class="coupon"> - -<p class="right">Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang,<br /> -R.R.2, Robbinsdale, Minn.</p> - -<p class="right">Enclosed is money order<br /> -(or check) for subscription<br /> -commencing with .................. issue<br /> -<span style="padding-right: 3em;">MONTH</span></p> - -<div class="form">Name</div> -<div class="form">Street</div> -<div class="form">City & State</div> - -</div> - -</div> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="bbox w20"> - -<p class="center larger"><i>Everywhere!</i></p> - -<p><i>WHIZ BANG is on sale -at all leading hotels, -news stands, on trains, -25 cents single copies, or -may be ordered direct -from the publisher at -30 cents single copies; -two-fifty a year.</i></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 150px;"> -<img src="images/cow.jpg" width="150" height="75" alt="A bull" /> -</div> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. 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