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diff --git a/old/55946-0.txt b/old/55946-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 528f73e..0000000 --- a/old/55946-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2777 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 16, -January, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. 16, January, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: November 12, 2017 [EBook #55946] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPT BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1921 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 16, January, 1921 - - - - -_Keep On Keepin’ On_ - - - If the day looks kinder gloomy - And chances kinder slim, - If the situation’s puzzlin’ - And the prospect’s awful grim; - And perplexities keep pressin’-- - If hope is nearly gone, - Jest bristle up and grit your teeth - And keep on keepin’ on. - - --_Whiz Bang Bill._ - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - OUR MOTTO: - - “_Make It Snappy_” - - January, 1921 Vol. II. No. 16 - - Published Monthly by - W. H. Fawcett, - Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the post office at - Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - _Price 25 cents_ _$2.50 per year_ - - “_We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is - loyalty to the American People._”--_Theodore Roosevelt._ - - Copyright 1921 - By W. H. Fawcett - - [Illustration] - - _Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated - to the fighting forces of the United States._ - - - - -_History Up-to-Date_ - - _Now that the British are agitating for a change in the - American history text books, which, they charge, inculcates our - future generations with prejudice against the original mother - country, and the anti-British are crying for more, let’s fit-in - with something in keeping with the spirit of the age. Let’s - introduce a history lesson that is guaranteed to interest the - shimmy-shaking school children of this great and glorious jazz - age. Therefore, we offer for your approval, Professor Brenton’s - “History Up-to-date.”_ - -By W. H. BRENTON - - -Things started off wrong in the beginning when Adam had to give up one -of his ribs for Eve, but in spite of this, he, like a game sport, tipped -his fig leaf to her upon their first introduction. All ran smoothly until -Eve raised Cain, and thus our ancestors (after the monkeys) kept up a -constant increase until Noah got inside dope about the flood, whereupon -he built the Ark. - -Our troubles might have been relegated to the word finis, but Noah stuck -up a good old boat and saved his wife, his animals, and their wives. -Then Nero played havoc with Rome and made the fiddle famous as the city -burned. We’ve been fiddling ever since. - -Job next started showing his rights with the off shoots of the chosen -people and they said they would stone him to death if he didn’t stop. He -came right back by saying, “If you do I’ll turn my bears loose and they -will eat you.” The people did, Job did and the bears did. Then Job was -King. - -I’d like to take some of your time and present the argument between -Anthony and Cleopatra, but there was so little between them that it is -hardly worth while. - -In the days when Cleopatra and Anthony were such good friends, Anthony -had just won a big battle and he sent his runners to Cleopatra to tell -her to doll up in her glad rags and they would go out stepping. On the -way to her flat he met his runners returning. They announced, “Oh, Kind -Sir: Cleopatra is down with Tonsilitis.” - -“Darn those Greeks,” said Anthony, “I shall declare war on Athens -tomorrow.” - -Henry Ford started one thing that he played wrong (his cars play good -tunes though), when he decided to end the World’s War by taking a lot -of men and old maids to France and Germany. If he’d taken some of -Ziegfield’s chorus girls the war would have been over and President -Wilson would still have been a great man. Just march those girls up No -Man’s land, and there would have been so many soldiers following them -that a Burroughs adding machine couldn’t count them in the time it takes -light to travel from the Sun to Jupiter. Army recruiting stations would -have been as popular as senators’ cellars, and the sentiment between -the two would have been much stronger than the antagonism between the -Bolshevists and the anti-saloon league. But here we are presenting this -valuable dope several years too late. Tell your children about it, and -they can stop the next war though (if the pretty girls aren’t all dead). - -Then a bunch of senators, with big cellars and stills in their attics, -passed a law that the combination of wine, women and song must be reduced -to women and song. Suppose we substitute nut-sundays, women and song. -Substitute your eye, we’ll just play the two undeceased members of the -combination a little stronger, unless we get into some senator’s cellar. - -Don’t cry, little children, the war is over, and so is a lot of your -money, but Uncle Sam will make a lot more, and the Brigadier Generals and -the movie actors will get it. - -At present we can assume that this is the Movie Age and Out-rage. We walk -right past a speech made by the President or some other vote-made man, -and several miles to see “Doug” Fairbanks skin his shins by walking up -the side of a seven-story building on his hands or to see Charlie Chaplin -swing a broom at the villain and hit the Queen of Russia, who is dressed -in sackcloth and ashes because of the murder of her last thirty-three -husbands. - -Movie actors are all right, though. Why, they make more money than we -ever hear about. Figures compiled by the Secretary of the Treasury show -that a man and wife and family of seventeen children and pets, could -live on what Mary Pickford spends for silk stockings, but that is the -reason we go to the movies, says the henpecked man as his wife drags -him home to their little boiler factory where rolling pins are used as -sledgehammers. - -If prices keep increasing and clothes decreasing, we will be restricted -as to the number of leaves we can wear, and they will be fastened to our -shivering yet magnanimous anatomy with paper fasteners of the Henry Ford -type. Shimmying will then be automatically abandoned, while courting will -only take place over the telephone. When we think of Theda Bara it will -be as a heavily clad woman. - -Just one thing further, and that is, if this world keeps increasing its -speed as it has in the past, our heads will be going so fast that they -will look like fish bowls. Everything will just work backwards, our nose -will run and our feet smell. Just now we’re traveling so fast that our -hip pockets dip sand as we go around corners, and our feet come up so -often that people will think we are laying down. Put on your brakes, dear -old United Statesers, and let’s slow down to 100 per, or we’ll skid into -Mexico. - - * * * * * - -You Win Rubber Pajamas - -Lecturer (in a loud voice)--I venture to assert there isn’t a man in this -audience who has ever done anything to prevent the destruction of our -vast forests. - -Man in the audience (timidly)--I’ve shot woodpeckers. - - * * * * * - -January First - -The other day Adam approached Peter at the pearly gates and said: - -“I should very much like, Peter, to get a pass the first of the year to -revisit my old haunts on earth.” - -“Nothing doing, Adam. You started too much trouble down there when you -were a young man.” - -“Aw, Pete, be a good sport and let me go.” - -“What do you want to go down there for anyhow?” - -“I want to turn over a new leaf.” - - * * * * * - -Gus, our hired man, one of those lucky birds that had imbibed rather too -freely of the sacred liquid, had fallen into a watering trough. When I -tried to help him as he floundered about, he said: “Offzer, I ken save -m’self, you save the womin’n shildern.” - - * * * * * - -If You Look That Way - -It’s oft been said that woman is a mystery to us that we will never -quite see through, no matter how we fuss. It’s said that woman is a book -forever closed to man, though now and then she condescends slightly to -lift the ban. It’s oft been said we cannot hope to fathom womankind and -to that fact the other sex might well make up its mind. But we have -called the libel out and dragged it in the dirt. We see right through her -now with ease--thanks to the modern skirt. - - - - -Movie Skeletons - - _America is blessed with a flock of motion picture magazines, - some of them with real stories of the public performances of the - screen folk, and some of them a collection of press agent yarns - at so-much per column. The Whiz Bang won’t invade their sacred - field. We’ll bar the press agents and, instead, will endeavor - to give our readers some inside dope direct from Hollywood and - Universal City, written by our own staff author whose position - within the sacred circle at Hollywood makes it necessary for him - to transcribe under the nom de plume of “Richmond.” All right, - director, let ’er shoot--_ - -By RICHMOND - - -=Reel One.= At last hearing “Doug” Fairbanks and Mary Pickford were -living here happily in their little grey home in the west, on top of a -big Beverly hill. Every day or so appears a dispatch that the Nevada -authorities intend to dissolve the partnership but this is taken to be -the final, spasmodic throb of a dying determination. - -Doug thinks he’s married to Mary. Mary believes she is married to Doug. -Owen Moore, Mary’s former hubby, is quite certain he isn’t married to -Mary and what the state of Nevada thinks isn’t causing any particular -excitement. If Nevada proved a convenient place to arrange the legal -break and figures her dear judges or lawmakers were slip-shoddy she -should get some new judges and lawmakers. What is done is done. - -=Reel Two.= Recent presentation of the new Griffith play, “Way Down -East,” caused a laughable situation for those who were aware of the -facts. The laughable situation did not get into the newspapers because -some of our very best families would have suffered humiliation. It -appears that “D. W.” issued several invitations to prominent society -women for the opening night, as his “guests”--though he was in New York. - -What a flurry and flutter there was among the high-brows when they -learned that the invites had gone out. Who had been asked? It did not -occur to the high-brow ladies that D. W. Griffith is truly the master -mind of pictures and that his use of Mrs. Belmont in the picture was -smart bait to draw society. Mrs. Belmont really didn’t have much to do -but appear in an up-to-date gown and give Lillian Gish a haughty look. - -But society here went daffy when it became known that some society women -had been invited by Mr. Griffith’s representatives, while others had not. -Immediately there was a buzz of phones and considerable indignation, -denouncements and heart-burnings seared the wires. “How came it that Mrs. -Such and So had been invited and ‘I’ have not? It reflects upon my social -standing.” - -How crafty old D. W. must have grinned as the reports went into him -of the society ladies’ wrath. For lack of brains, poise and downright -self-respect society women cart off the well known cake. Newspaper women -laughed themselves sick at the coy admissions discreetly tendered them -that “Oh, by the way, Mr. Griffith sent me a personal invitation to be -present at the opening of ‘Way Down East.’” It possibly is stretching it -to say that the paper gals laughed themselves sick. They have become so -used to such situations that they scarcely laugh at all. They just grin -and “bear it”--and proceed openly to kid society in the papers without -society apparently becoming the wiser. - -It is almost pitiable to watch fair and heavy matrons, who have done -well, raising a family or starting one, long for a chance to see -themselves upon the screen. They gaze upon Lillian Gish as some ravishly -blessed mortal lifted by the Gods but they see no reason why they would -not be just as good if given a chance. - -Much of the nasty gossip which follows prominent picture folk emanates -from the society morgues where every skeleton known to scandal is laid -carefully away for future reference. - -The fat ladies of wealth who are unable to fit into the screen take a -girl, perhaps like Lillian Gish, and in seeming fury that the girl has -succeeded, tear what they may of her character to pieces. About any -fashionable hotel where gather the disappointed “widows” and dames whose -husbands have let them come west for a “rest” may be heard the most -intimate details concerning the private life of every person prominent -on the screen. Nine times out of ten these details are featured by -everything but the truth. - -Every girl that ever worked for Griffith, whether she knows it or not, -has been the victim of whispers relative to what price she paid for -her success. Griffith is a muchly misunderstood man. He is shrewd, too -smart for the average picture maker. His people appear to reverence -him. Probably no girl regrets her experience and training under this -particular director--though not as much can be said for many other -directors. - -The name of Lillian Gish and Griffith have been mentioned in unsavory -tones more than once. The girl is a remarkably fine young woman who -scarcely would know what was meant by the insinuations cast abroad -concerning her and the director. Wherever Lillian goes her mother is not -far away. The two sisters, Lillian and Dorothy, are among the hardest -workers upon the screen. It is understood that the late Robert Harron was -extremely fond of Dorothy and it is understood that this admiration was -not returned in the way that young Harron would have wished. - -Harron had a number of sisters, who spent much of their time about the -studios where their brother worked. The Gish and Harron families were -constantly together and a great friendship existed between them all. It -is understood that Dorothy admired Harron tremendously but could not -reciprocate his reported love for her. Bobby Harron was an exceptional -young man from a moral standpoint. He was clean and wholesome. In fact a -number of the Griffith stars have been marked for their personal virtues. -In view of these facts it is a relief to point out that some of the -unmentionable vices which beset Movieland are partially offset by the -cleanliness of many really great stars. - -=Reel Three.= One of the greatest “parties” yet staged in Los Angeles, -was given by a well known director several nights ago. Now it should not -be assumed that the picture parties are particularly different than some -of the pajama and kimono parties tendered in Hollywood and Pasadena. -In fact many of the picture ladies “hold out” longer than their more -discreet sisters who get their kick out of a monthly party, whereas a -picture girl has an invite a night and knows every step and parry of the -game. - -One of the best known girls of the screen sat in one chair throughout a -recent party and visitors remarked upon her serenity and refusal to rush -the bar. - -A wild woman from one of the comedies gave her the once over. “Say, -Edna’s been stewed for two hours and can’t stand up. But she’s got sense -enough to keep still.” - -But, referring to the big party. It lasted several days. Some of the -guests went home, changed their clothes and came back again. The affair -must have cost thousands of dollars. The guests were not numerous but -well selected. A number of orchestras were employed, one coming on as one -went off shift. - -The host was a man of parts. He employed chauffeurs with cars ready to -grab any guest who wished to stumble home and might possibly not be -deemed able to guide his own car had he come without a driver. Most of -the drivers who came to the party left unceremoniously when the party -waxed late into the next day. Even chauffeurs have feelings. - -The newspaper accounts mostly were suave and soft pedally. But it is said -that some of the best newspaper people remembered only the quietness of -the opening hour or so and were in no editorial mood to recollect just -everything that did happen. - -=Reel Four.= A great social mix-up occurred at Hollywood the other -morning. One of our best matinee idols, a year or so ago separated from -his wife and half dozen children. He took unto himself another wife. The -decree allowed that the father could have the children part of the time, -or half of the time. - -Following his new matrimonial venture the matinee star found himself -blessed one morning with a new baby. Just recently the former wife -emerged from the east and took apartments at one of the most fashionable -Hollywood hotels. She was accompanied by a flock of children. - -The moment had come for the former husband to have his time portion of -the children. Bright and early on the day after their arrival they made -for the father’s home, where they were happily received by the foster -mother who showed them their half sister, her own child. - -Kids will be kids, so it was no wonder that the mother of the flock was -surprised and amazed during the course of the morning when one of her -brightest young hopes trundled a baby carriage into her room and gaily -announced that he had a new sister to show her. He had come down from -the home of his father and foster mother with sure enough evidence that -father still was raising children. - -The papers stated that the mother was threatened with hysteria and bade -her surprised child take his charge back to its father’s home. For comedy -and tragedy, go watch in the halls of childhood. - - * * * * * - -Eve tempted Adam with an apple. Were you ever tempted by an apple? - - * * * * * - -Our Language - -Here are a few of the difficulties of the English language: - - A flock of ships is called a fleet. - A fleet of sheep is called a flock. - A flock of girls is called a bevy. - A bevy of wolves is called a pack. - A pack of thieves is called a gang. - A gang of angels is called a host. - A host of porpoises is called a shoal. - A shoal of buffaloes is called a herd. - A herd of children is called a troop. - A troop of partridges is called a covey. - A covey of beauties is called a galaxy. - A galaxy of ruffians is called a horde. - A horde of rubbish is called a heap. - A heap of oxen is called a drove. - A drove of blackguards is called a mob. - A mob of whales is called a school. - A school of worshippers is called a congregation. - - * * * * * - -Bull Frog Bull - -The Frog is a slick member of the reptile family deriving its name from -the Latin words E Hopus Jumpus, meaning “Warts.” It has four legs, but -only finds use for two--the hind ones, which are built on altogether -different lines than the front ones, being about five times as long, and -fold under his body at a very convenient angle, affording ample seating -capacity. The most common species of the Frog Family are the Toad Frog -and the Bull Frog. The French people consider the Bull Frog quite a -delicacy, and all snakes are very fond of Toad Frogs. Some scientists -say the snake has far better taste than the Frenchman when it comes to -choosing its food. The Frog can catch more flies than Tris Speaker, with -far less effort, and is about the only thing left in this grand and -glorious country with any hops in it. - - * * * * * - -You Can’t Fool a Horse-Fly - -Mike and Pat were telling stories. During the conversation a fly lit on -Pat’s nose. - -“What kind of a fly is that, Moike?” asked Pat. - -“Why, that’s a horse-fly, Pat.” - -“Begorra, Moike, and what’s a horse-fly?” - -“Why, a horse-fly, Pat, is a fly that lights on a horse’s neck.” - -“You don’t mean to say O’im a horse’s neck, do you, you dirty blaggard?” - -“No, Pat, but you can’t fool a fly.” - - - - -_India’s September Morns_ - - _In this article, Reverend Morrill tells of the “royal baths” - of East India, where men and women recognize no sex. In the - February number of the WHIZ BANG, the traveler-author will take - our readers on a brief expedition to South America, which, - “Golightly” assures us, is “the white slave market of the world.” - Night scenes in Rio de Janeiro, “the Gomorrah,” and Buenos Aires, - “the Sodom of South America,” will be depicted as only Reverend - Morrill can do._ - -By REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL - -Pastor People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -Though the River of Time may wash away most of my India memories, there -is one thing that will remain as long as I live--my royal bath at Delhi, -and the time, the place, and the girl. - -Bathing has not only been a fad with me, but an article of faith. At home -I take a cold plunge every morning, and on shipboard it is the thing I -look forward to with pleasure. A country is known by the baths it gives, -and in Constantinople, Moscow and Budapest I learned that every little -movement had a meaning all its own. The bath, that like Moses’ rod -swallowed up all others, was the one at Delhi, where cleanliness is not -always next to godliness. - -India is a hot and sticky place for fleshy people, and like Falstaff -I was larding the lean earth as I walked along. After hours of dusty -driving and hard sight-seeing I asked my guide if I could have a bath, -and he said, “Yes, Durbar bath.” I had missed the royal pageant, but -hoped to get the splash, so we drove off the crowded street to a building -which invited us with shady walks and flowers. The native proprietor -ushered me into a darkened room and handed me a napkin. I had been in -India long enough to know what to do with that square of linen, so I used -it for a loincloth. - -When I stepped into the bath I was “horrified” to find a beautiful -Mohammedan maiden standing there before me with nothing on plus a -bracelet. In agitation I rang. The master came, and I told him I did not -want that woman there with the bath. He seemed surprised, because she -was part of it, shrugged his shoulders, ordered her out, and beckoned -to two stalwart natives. They seized me, threw me down on the marble, -put a wooden pillow under my head, and then splashed, massaged, pounded, -twisted and kneaded me, worked my arms like a windmill, rolled me like a -log, used me as a punching bag, went through a whole course of gymnasium -exercises on me, then grinned and said, “Not finished.” I felt I was, -when back came the “sweet sixteen” smiling like Spring, and with less -covering than September Morn. I sprang up, but she grabbed a towel and -basin and laid me low, then soused me and began to put on the finishing -touches. In broken English she tried to tell me all her physical, mental -and moral charms, which I admitted because she was a woman, but I knew -her Koran didn’t square with my Old Testament, so thanking her, I fled, -like Joseph from Potiphar’s wife, to my room, where my guide “Kim” came -to the rescue, helped me to dress and rushed me to the train or I might -have been there yet. - -The letter “I” in India stands for indecency and immorality in nearly -everything I saw from Calcutta to Bombay. Benares is washed by the -Ganges, the worshippers in the Ganges, and though every day is washday, -still the city and people are dirty. They need a new Hercules to turn -the Ganges through its Augean stables filled with holy fakirs, anointed -priests, pestiferous pilgrims, obscene carvings and sacred bulls. - -I entered the Cow Temple, stable of sitting and standing bulls. The bull -is a beatified beast. Priests pet him, the godly natives garland his -horns and kiss his tail, virgin votaries bathe their hands, beautify -their faces and plaster their hair with the divine emanations which -Minnesota farmers use for fertilizer. At weddings, for good luck, to -keep evil spirits away, and purify the place, a cow is backed up to -the bride’s door to decorate the threshold with fresh dung--bossy’s -contribution to the joyous occasion. The “Bull Durham” of India is some -of the same, dried and mixed, with a little tobacco and paper. I have -often imagined that our yellow-fingered dudes imported it for cigaret -purposes--at any rate it smells like it. Like another ill-fated Gulliver -in the land of giants, I slipped around in the filth till I got a kodak -shot at his royal Bullship. - -Benares is called the “Holy City” on the principle, I suppose, that -“in religion, what damned error, but some sober brow will bless it and -approve it with a text.” As well call ice hot, vinegar sweet, vice virtue -or hell heaven. One morning we pious pilgrims left the ladies, who were -not permitted to accompany us, and climbed to the secluded spot where -stands the Nepalese temple ornamented with gymnastic and obscene carvings -that would make the red pictures of Pompeii blush with shame. These -filthy figures of men and women, carved to please and pacify the gods, -are not mentioned in the guide-books or referred to above a whisper in -polite society. If this sex perversion marks the high tide of Buddhist -faith, I am ashamed, though I have photos of the carvings which I keep in -my strong-box packed in chloride of lime. Kali Hinduism may be bloody, -but Buddhism here is beastly. - -Almost as bad are the stone images and inscriptions in the caves of -Elephanta out from Bombay. The temple columns, aisles and figures -are hewn from the living rock. I looked at the three-faced Siva, and -noticed the stylish headdress; saw another figure with cap ornament of -human skulls; Virag, half-male and female, and the Siva shrine with the -“lingam” altar before which millions of barren wives and hopeless girls -had prostrated and prostituted themselves in Sivaite festivals. The -temple keeper beckoned me to one side and gave me a private lecture on -these “lingam,” phallus or Priapus symbols of sex organ worship which I -had found in other lands. While he proceeded, my blush illuminated the -dark cave, and as I left the “altar” a lady of our party approached and -asked me what I had been looking at and what the guide said. I replied, -“Forget it!” She wouldn’t, I couldn’t, and since she was past middle age -and married, I looked her square in the eye and reeled it off as if it -were an Edison record. “Thank you,” she said. “It is always well to know -about religion from a priest.” I told her I was no priest and this was -no religion. There was a pool of clear water here and the frogs, big as -turtles, were standing on their hind legs, with folded arms and eyes wide -open with amazement, as if they were more shocked at what I had said than -at the suggestive statues and symbols round about. If I had been alone I -would have divested myself of all baggage but my trunks and plunged in to -keep them company. - -The blasé or bored can always find something new at a Hindu wedding or -Nautch dance. I saw Nautch girls--dressed in scarlet skirts trimmed with -gold, caris or scarfs of brightest colors, trousers tight-fitting and -gilt-embroidered, bracelets or anklets of gold, and silver bells--dancing -for hours, illustrating pictures of thought, passion and emotion, to -love-throbs, tune and time. Once I heard a story of the origin of the -Nautch dance: A Rajah’s daughter was stolen and raped; the ravisher was -caught by the father, strung up, slashed like ribbons on a Maypole, then -whirled around, and anyone on whom the blood spattered was privileged to -assault any woman he met. - -India has no old maids or bachelors. Cradles are robbed of their babies -for marriage, and some suitors are promised before born if sexed right. -The proverb reads, “Every girl at 14 must be either a wife or a widow.” -Many men in India are slaves--all women are. Woman is not to be trusted, -and is held the cause of man’s sin whether she be sage or fool. She is -object and subject as a child to her father, as wife to her husband, -and as widow to her son’s or husband’s relatives. To obey her hubby is -supposed to be the only God she needs or wants. To obey and worship him -is to worship the gods (though he be a devil). Caste injures them more -than men, and she is old before 25 and looks it. Child-marriage is the -style and prevails in places, though the British government made a law -that a girl might be married yet not live with her husband till she was -12 years old. Imagine a 10 year old girl marrying a 30 year old man. Any -negligent father, who does not find a husband before his daughter is 12, -is held to be a public monster and criminal. Of course, boys and girls -mature earlier in the tropics and have families when people North haven’t -gone so far as to be even sweethearts. - -In the comparative study of other religions I could always find some -sweetness and light, but Hinduism is darkness and dirt. Its votaries -are vile, their gods are deified beasts, and their devotees are beastly -depraved. Caste, child-marriage, obscene worship, Nautch girls, -ignorance, superstition, poverty and plague prove Hinduism to be a hell -on earth and a disease that dwarfs and damns man’s body, mind and soul. - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=Dear Captain Billy=--My two sisters and myself have been gratified this -week by the arrival in each family of a set of twins. Kindly suggest -names for these six darlings.--=Patriotic Patricia.= - -My moss-covered suggestion: “Pete and Repeat, Kate and Duplicate, and Max -and Climax.” - - * * * * * - -=Dear Capt. Billy=--I am a sweet eighteen year old girl and last night I -met a nice man with a limousine that wants to take me for a ride. Will it -be alright to go?--=Alice.= - -Let your conscience be your guide. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--Do you think it would be alright if I took a tramp -in the woods.--=Sweet Sixteen.= - -Yes, it’s excellent exercise. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billious=--I have been married a few months and my hubby is -always saying our baby is a much abused creature. What do you think he -means?--=Mrs. Guey.= - -He probably means that your darling baby gets a bust in the mouth every -hour or so. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bull=--Do you like cocktails?--=Ana Monyous.= - -Yes, I should say so. You finish the answer. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--I’ve often heard the toast: “To George Washington, -first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen.” Do -you think he was always first?--=Willie, age 12.= - -Yes, with the exception that he married a widow. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What kind of a woman should I marry?--=Sandy Henna.= - -Venus would be fine. She would be perfectly safe, as both her arms are -missing and she couldn’t throw things. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--What is a definition for man and woman?--=Pinkie -Cherry.= - -Man, Pinkie, is the Lord of Creation, and Woman is the lady of Recreation. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Banger=--I want to be married secretly. What shall I do?--=Pussy -Foot.= - -Go to a justice of the peace. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Phiz=--Is strychnine effective in stopping heart ailments.--=Co-ed.= - -Yes, if taken in sufficient quantities, strychnine will stop anything. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bill=--You’ve been in the army, Cap, so will you kindly -tell us the difference between an engagement and a battle?--=Ida Clare.= - -Yes, Ida, and I’m married, too. The engagement, you realize, takes place -before the marriage. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Bull=--What are wedding bells?--=Katinka Stinka.= - -Lemon peals. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What is the solution of the liquor problem?--=A. -Boozem Friend.= - -A solution of malt and hops containing about 5 per cent of water. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Farmer Bill=--How’s your corn crop this year? What did it go to the -acre?--=Acorn Farmer.= - -Wa’al, I reckon it’ll go about 350 gallons to the acre, by gum. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Doctor Billy=--Will you kindly inform as to the bacterial proteins -for cutaneous tests?--=Sheesa Whopper.= - -She sure is a whopper for a farmer to answer. In fact, I found it -necessary to call in the professional advice of old Doc Yak, who gives -this reply: The bacterial proteins are staphylococcus aureus, micrococcus -tetragenus, diphtheroid, streptococcus viridans, non-haemolyticus and -pneumococcus. (Thank you, doctor.) - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--What is the proper definition of an oyster?--=G. -Howie Snortz.= - -An oyster, Mr. Snortz, is a peculiar fish better known as a bivalve and -looks like a nut. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bilious Billy=--Does cider really get hard enough to cause -intoxication? I have a few gallons at home and do not care to indulge in -strong drink?--=Molly Coddle.= - -Hard? I should say it does, Molly. I drank three glasses one night last -week while in Minneapolis and before long I thought I was crushed rock. -Friends tell me I laid down on Nicollet Avenue and tried to pull the -asphalt over me. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain=--Is it quite proper for a lady to let her husband look at -her Whiz Bang?--=Lotta Ginger.= - -Quite right, we would say--providing, of course, that it’s Captain -Billy’s. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Bill=--I have been troubled with the seven-year itch. What shall I -do?--=Ticklish Tillie.= - -Scratch yourself. - - * * * * * - -The First Hundred Years - -Discouraged prohibition enforcers should remember that the first hundred -years are the wettest. - - * * * * * - -When my shoes wear out I’ll be on my feet again. - - - - -His Test of Faith - -By RUDOLPH KUEFFNER - - -A couple, on their wedding trip, met a gypsy whose prophecies so greatly -amused them that they gave her an extra dollar for good luck. In -appreciation of the gift, the grateful gypsy presented her benefactors -with a little white, glass phial containing a clear liquid. She -admonished them to hold this phial as a sacred treasure, because the -liquid would retain its crystalline clearness only so long as the loving -couple were faithful to each other. But, warned the gypsy, unfaithfulness -on the part of either will cause this liquid to turn a grayish hue. - -The couple laughingly accepted the small bottle, took it home and, -although disbelieving the gypsical dope-sheet, placed it carefully in an -unused linen closet. They soon forgot the incident and lived in happiness -for some time. - -One summer, a few years later, the wife journeyed afar to visit -relatives. Letters of love were exchanged and the hubby gave all his time -to business cares, with the exception of Sundays, when he would entertain -a few friends at his home. At one of these Sunday parties he amused the -guests with the gypsy story of honeymoon days. - -At the finish of the host’s recital, one of the men with an eye to a -practical joke suggested pouring a bit of ink in the phial so as to make -the liquid turn to gray. “On her return you can have a lot of fun at her -jealousness,” he said, “and then call us in to prove your faithfulness.” -The trick was done and in a few days Friend Wife came home. - -While house-cleaning next day, she thought of the phial. Great horrors! -Its contents had turned from pure white to a grayish tint. “My God, is it -really so?” But after a few moments of hesitation she quickly poured out -the gray substance and refilled the phial with clear water, placing it -back in its former location. - -Needless to say, it was not necessary for hubby’s friends to call to -testify in his behalf. - - * * * * * - -The Difference - -The two school friends accidentally met in the whirl of the city, and, of -course, began a rapid fire of questions. - -“What am I doing?” said Gladys, in reply to a query. “Oh, I’m a -stenographer.” “What’s the boss like?” “Well, he’s quite young, and is -awfully kind to me. See, he gave me this bangle and this brooch, and -nearly every week he takes me to dinner and the theatre. And the salary’s -quite good--$25 a week. And you, Ethel--what are you doing, dear?” - -“Same as you,” snapped Ethel, “only there’s no shorthand-typing mixed up -with it.” - - * * * * * - -For Men Only - -Some of us poor, down-trodden he-men, and farmers, chuckle with glee when -our sturdy wives drag us to church on Sunday to listen to such passages -of Scripture regarding the weaker (?) sex as follow. In view of granting -the ladies equal rights at the ballot, these few lines appear to be -particularly timely, so follow closely, boys, and chuckle again: - - “Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection; suffer not - woman to think or usurp authority over man, for Adam was formed - first, not Eve. - - “For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is - the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. - For the man is not of the woman but woman of the man. Neither was - the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man. Wives, - submit yourselves unto your own husbands as unto the Lord, for - the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of - the church. - - “When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the Lord - Thy God hast delivered into thine hands, and thou hast taken them - captive, and hast seen among the captives a beautiful woman and - hast a desire unto her that thou wouldst have her for thy wife, - then thou shalt bring her home to thy house, and she shall shave - her head, and pare her nails.” - - * * * * * - -Fast Workers - -They were introduced at 7:15. - -By 8:10 they were talking cozily in a movie. - -At 9:30 they were regarding each other intimately over the remains of a -chicken sandwich. - -At 9:44 they stood wistfully near on the front porch. - -Promptly at 9:45 he kissed her. - -By 9:50 she kissed him. - -At 10:00 with a touch of sadness they parted. - -He walked down the steps dejectedly, but upon hearing the door close, he -snapped out and walked briskly home and cut another notch in his military -brushes. - -“How they fall,” he murmured, “probably I am a handsome devil.” - -She, sitting before her dressing-table, yawned. - -“How they fall,” she sighed; “perhaps I am a sweet and delightful girl.” - -And she put his name in a thick little book she had been keeping since -she was sixteen! - - * * * * * - -Shortcomings - -A negro woman went into a department store and said to the clerk: - -“Mister, can I exchange these stockings?” - -“Why, certainly, madam; don’t they come up to your expectations?” - -“Lawdy, no; dey hardly come up to ma knees.” - - * * * * * - -Marjorie Was So Obliging - -Little 5-year-old Marjorie was the sunshine of her mother’s heart and on -all possible occasions her brightness was paraded before “company.” - -It was at a meeting of the Loyal Ladies’ Card club that Marjorie’s mother -contrived to “show up” her darling daughter. First she asked the little -tot to get Mrs. Jones a drink of water. Marjorie got the water and -was thanked for it. She was then asked to get Mrs. Smith a drink. She -complied and again was thanked. She went through the same procedure for -four more ladies. After the last one had drank, the mother proudly asked -little Marjorie to bring in a drink for her before going out to play. - -In a few moments Marjorie returned, but without water for mother. - -“Muvver, I tant det any more water,” she childishly lisped. - -“Why not, my child, surely you’ll get your mother a drink?” - -“I tant, muvver, the water’s all don and I tant weach the chain.” - - * * * * * - -Fits Most Lunch Foundries - -A Holyoke, Mass., lunch room displays over the counter a large sign which -reads as follows: - - Don’t make fun of our coffee. You may be old and weak yourself - some day. Use one helping of sugar and stir like hell. We don’t - mind the noise. - - * * * * * - -They Both Walked - -The other evening a swell appearing young couple asked if they might -leave an automobile cushion at the Whiz Bang farm while they hiked to -Robbinsdale to report the theft of their motor car. I said “Sure,” and I -still have the cushion. - - * * * * * - -Before July First - -The policeman watched the man creep slowly out of the saloon. Hastily he -approached the unfortunate culprit: - -“I just saw you come out of that saloon!” - -“Sh’ever see me before?” - -“No!” - -“Then how ’djou know it was me?” - - * * * * * - -Page Mr. Croton - -Are you acquainted with Olive Oil? - -Very well, indeed. - -Well, I’m her brother, Castor. - - * * * * * - -Something to Worry About - -The famous race horse, Man o’ War, receives more personal attention than -any being, human or otherwise, since Cleopatra. He has a retinue of -servants and is housed more expensively than the Gaekwar of Baroda or the -Jhilwar of Jhock. - - * * * * * - -Love isn’t blind--just near-sighted. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet_” - - -Did you ever feel embarrassed? We did, the other day when the boss cow, -Ethelbert, kicked over our bucket at milking time and ripped our trousers -in front of the chickens. Write to us about your embarrassed moments -and let’s console each other. For instance, Gus, our hired man, was in -Minneapolis the other day getting his usual supply of moonshine and was -riding on the street car to the depot. - -“I noticed a girl sitting across the aisle that I had met while in -swimming at Lake Minnetonka last summer,” said Gus when he got home, -“I had not seen her since until then. I tipped my cap and said ‘Hello! -How are you?’” and for a minute she looked at me blankly and then burst -out: “Oh, why, hello! I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.’ Of -course this attracted the attention of the passengers and I found it more -comfortable by getting off the car at the next stop for another little -drink.” - -Now, of course, that may have been only Gus’s alibi for coming home -intoxicated. - - * * * * * - -I had a similar experience myself last time I was in the city. A girl -was telling me how embarrassed she was. “Do you know,” she confided, “I -was standing in a doorway fixing my garter when a gust of wind came along -and blew the hair from off my right ear. I was so embarrassed, don’t you -know.” - - * * * * * - -Newspapers tell of a woman who, in order to become a mother, obtained -a divorce and married another man for a year, after which she and her -child went back to her first husband. This is an exception. Some women, -it seems, now are inclined not to trouble with the divorce proposition at -all. - - * * * * * - -Diogenes grabbed his trusty lantern and hiked from the Presidio of Frisco -to the Bronx of Manhattan searching for an honest man. Old Diog was a -wise bird; he never even looked for an honest woman. - - * * * * * - -He seeks relief in vain who will not follow advice. - -We always remember those who have done us a favor when we want another -favor done. - -Running down other people’s reputation won’t run up your own. - -The trouble with the average man is that he seldom increases his average. - -Many a “good fellow” is so stingy with his family that he’ll stand -between his wife and a show window. - -When holding a straight flush it is better to stay in and raise and win -than not to have raised at all. - - * * * * * - - The pretty manicurist, Louise, - Has very many beaus; - She calls these fellows, if you please, - Her manicurios. - -Holding hands is dangerous business. The hand is the lightning conductor -of love and lust. The manicurist, like Othello, would find “occupation -gone” if hand-holding were practised by men or old women. It is the sex -element that usually attracts and holds. - -Many modest and decent manicurists go regularly and professionally to the -homes of their patients, or are found in office, parlor or barber annex -position. Anywhere and everywhere they are pure and true womanly. - -People who won’t work with their hands are known by the manicures they -keep. Nails are peeled, pared, polished and painted, while the owner’s -rough mind lives in the cellar and garret of mental and moral poverty. - -Manicuring is a society luxury for men and women who form the polished -horde of bores and bored. The world is still deceived with fuss and -feathers and people who hide grossness with fair ornament. - -The manicure is a necessity for musicians, doctors--and dudes and -darlings in society who, beyond the actual care of their body, in food, -dress and drink, think their hands were only made to wear gloves, rings, -be manicured, held or united in a “good catch” marriage. - -The rich are manicured who have money to burn. The idle are manicured -who have time to waste. The idiots are manicured who have no idea of the -value of time or money. Libertines are manicured who play guilty Fausts -to pure and innocent Margarets. Hotel leechers and loafers are manicured -who forget mother, sister, wife or sweetheart. - -They have no time or money for church or charity, but sit by the hour -holding a girl’s hand, looking into her face, trying to fan a spark of -passion into their burnt-out cinder body while with hand, foot, eye and -tongue they try to make a date. - -The word “hand” means to hold or seize and is to man what the claw is -to the bird, fin to fish, and hoof to horse. The hand is marvelously -made with 27 bones, 8 of which are in the wrist, 5 form the palms, and -14 the bones or phalanges, or fingers. The hand was made for work, as -proved by anatomy and Scripture--“Go to work”; “Work earnestly with -both hands”; “Handsome is that handsome does”; and black or white hands -are fine which do good work. Angelo carving marble, Raphael painting -Madonnas, Shakespeare writing immortal dramas, Beethoven copying heavenly -symphonies, Washington drawing his sword for liberty, and Lincoln penning -the Emancipation Proclamation, spent little time or money in manicuring -parlors. - -Beautiful are the hands of wife, sister, man or friend which have -directed, lead and lifted us by pitfall, through marsh and despair to -mount the height on which we stand--hands perfumed with prayer, baptized -with tears, clasped with affection, and generous with charity. - -The man ought to be horsewhipped who uses the words “hard,” “homely,” -“unmanicured,” of the hands of a father, calloused that they might give -daily bread; hands of a mother, blistered and aching for work never done -until they are crossed white in the coffin and God gives them rest; baby -hands which twine around the trellis of our hearts and are unclasped by -Death. - - * * * * * - -Another “international marriage” has gone the way of many spectacular -predecessors--through the divorce mill. - -In this it is hardly noteworthy. Experience and commonsense alike -indicate that such unions rarely can be successful. The base allurements -of a British title on one side and American gold on the other, are not -the sources in which wholesome happiness finds its inspiration. - -But in quite another way there is something worth noting in the divorce -proceedings through which Consuelo Vanderbilt has freed herself, at last, -from the disreputable ninth duke of Marlborough. It is the revelation, -through her simple letters, of the true nobility of birth which does not -rest upon a “Burke’s Peerage” or an “Almanach de Gotha.” - -Miss Vanderbilt married this highly decorated fortune hunter in 1895. -Two children were born to them. For their sakes the American wife, with -womanly reserve, suffered much indignity during many years. Eventually -driven to a separation, she still endured in silence, without resort to -the unsavory publicity of divorce, reflecting upon her growing sons. - -These children came of age last winter. The wife then made a last brave -effort toward reconciliation. There was a brief reunion--ending in a -disgraceful visit of the 45-year-old duke to Paris with a 25-year-old -female companion. - -Blood will tell--the plain American kinds and likewise the tainted blue -sort that trickles through “noble” veins. - - * * * * * - -Noah was building the ark. A gang of “drys” hung around criticizing the -job. - -“Ever built an ark before?” asked the leader of the gang. - -“Nope,” replied Noah, pounding away. - -“By what right do you assume that this boat will be a success?” asked -the other. “This has always been a dry country and there has never been -any need for a so-called ark. What experience have you had with your -so-called ark upon which to base so absurd a claim as that it will float? -Don’t you know that umbrellas and gaiters have gotten us through the -thunderstorms for the last forty years? There can be no hope of success -for your so-called ark.” - -But Noah kept on building away. Then came the Deluge, and for once in -history, the knockers got what was coming to them. - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_Smokehouse Poetry will lead the February issue readers through a variety -of red-blooded gems, including, for instance, a bright little jingle -from the pen of a new Kipling. His name is Carl M. Higdon and his first -offering is “The Shimmy Shaker,” and what it lacks in veteran polish is -made up in breezy sway. Such as thus:_ - - _She could shimmy on a mountain,_ - _She could shimmy in a pool;_ - _When it comes to shimmy shaking,_ - _She’s a shimmy shaking fool._ - -_Last month we promised to give you a full portion of George R. Sims’ -tragic masterpiece, and so here we offer it for your approval._ - - -’Ostler Joe - -By George R. Sims. - - I stood at eve when the sun went down, by a grave where a woman lies, - Who lured men’s souls to the shores of sin with the light of wanton eyes; - Who sang the song that the siren sang on the treacherous Lurley height, - Whose face was as fair as a summer’s day, and whose heart was as black as - night. - - Yet a blossom I fain would pluck today from the garden above her dust, - Not the languorous lily of soulless sin, nor the blood red rose of lust, - But a sweet white blossom of holy love that grew in that one green spot, - In the arid desert of Phryne’s life where all else was parched and hot. - - In the summer, when the meadows were aglow with blue and red, - Joe, the ’ostler of “The Magpie,” and fair Annie Smith were wed; - Plump was Annie, plump and pretty, with a face as fair as snow, - He was anything but handsome was the “Magpie’s” ’ostler Joe. - - But he won the winsome lassie, they’d a cottage and a cow, - And her matronhood sat lightly on the village beauty’s brow; - Sped the months, and came a baby--such a blue-eyed baby boy! - Joe was working in the stables when they told him of his joy. - - He was rubbing down the horses--gave them then and there, - All a special feed of clover, just in honor of his heir; - It had been his great ambition (and he told the horses so) - That the fates would send a baby who might bear the name of Joe. - - Little Joe, the child was christened and like babies grew apace, - He’d his mother’s eyes of azure, and his father’s honest face; - Swift the happy years went over, years of blue and cloudless sky, - Love was lord of that small cottage and the tempest passed them by. - - Down the lane by Annie’s cottage chanced a gentleman to roam, - He caught a glimpse of Annie in her bright and happy home; - Thrice he came and saw her sitting by the window with her child. - And he nodded to the baby and the baby laughed and smiled. - - So at last it grew to know him (Little Joe was nearly four), - He would call the pretty “gemplum” as he passed the open door; - And one day he ran and caught him and in child’s play pulled him in, - And the baby Joe had prayed for brought about the mother’s sin. - - ’Twas the same old wretched story that for ages bards have sung, - ’Twas a woman, weak and wanton, and a villain’s tempting tongue; - ’Twas a picture deftly painted for silly creature’s eyes, - Of the Babylonian wonders and the joy that in them lies. - - Annie listened and was tempted--was tempted and she fell, - As the angels fell from heaven to the blackest depth of hell; - She was promised wealth and splendor and a life of gentle sloth, - Yellow gold for child and husband--and the woman left them both. - - Home one eve came Joe, the ’ostler, with a cheery cry of “wife!” - Finding that which blurred forever all the story of his life; - She had left a silly letter, through the cruel scrawl he spelt, - Then he sought the lonely bedroom, joined his horny hands and - knelt. - - “Now, O Lord, forgive her, for she ain’t to blame,” he cried; - “For I ought to seen her trouble and a-gone away and died; - Why a girl like her--God bless her--’twasn’t likely as her’d rest - With her bonny head forever on a ’ostler’s ragged vest. - - “It was kind o’ her to bear with me, all the long and happy time, - So for my sake please to bless her, though you count her deed a crime; - If so be I don’t pray proper, Lord, forgive me, for you see - I can talk all right to ’osses, but I’m kinder o’ strange with Thee.” - - Ne’er a line came to the cottage from the woman who had flown, - Joe, the baby, died that winter and the man was left alone; - Ne’er a bitter word he uttered, but in silence kissed the rod, - Saving what he told his horses, saving what he told his God. - - Far away in mighty London rose the wanton into fame, - For her beauty won men’s homage and she prospered in her shame; - Quick from lord to lord she flitted, higher still each prize she won, - And her rivals paled beside her as the stars beside the sun. - - Next she trod the stage half naked and she dragged a temple down - To the level of a market for the women of the town; - And the kisses she had given to poor ’ostler Joe for naught, - With their gold and priceless jewels rich and titled roues bought. - - Went the years with flying footsteps while her star was at its height. - Then the darkness came on swiftly and the gloaming turned to night; - Shattered strength and faded beauty tore the laurels from her brow, - Of the thousands who had worshipped, never one came near her now. - - Broken down in health and fortune men forgot her very name, - Till the news that she was dying woke the echoes of her fame; - And the papers in their gossip mentioned how an actress lay - Sick to death in humble lodgings, growing weaker every day. - - One there was who read the story in a far-off country place, - And that night the dying woman woke and looked upon his face; - Once again the strong arms clasped her that had clasped her long ago, - And the weary head lay pillowed upon the breast of ’ostler Joe. - - All the past he had forgiven--all the sorrow and the shame, - He had found her sick and lonely and his wife he now could claim; - Since the grand folks who had known her one and all had slunk away, - He could clasp his long-lost darling and no man could say him nay. - - In his arms death found her lying, from his arms her spirit fled, - And his tears came down in torrents as he knelt beside his dead; - Never once his love had faltered through her sad unhallowed life, - And the stone above her ashes bears the sacred name of wife. - - That’s the blossom I fain would pluck today from the garden above her - dust, - Not the languorous lily of soulless sin, nor the blood red rose of lust; - But a sweet white blossom of holy love that grew in the one green spot, - In the arid desert of Phryne’s life where all else was parched and hot. - - * * * * * - -Stranded - -By H. H. Bennett - - ’Twas on a sunny morn in June, - The bee had put his pipes a-tune - And buzzed his way across a field, - The while the birds their love-song spieled. - - He buzzed and ate full many an hour, - Then crawled into a dainty flower - And curled himself up for a nap, - The same as any drowsy chap. - - A cow came browsing through the moor - And towards the little floweret bore; - Not knowing that the bee was there, - She put it on her bill of fare. - - So rudely wakened from his doze, - His beeship’s fiery temper rose. - “Old Cow,” he said, “I’ll sting you deep - When I have finished up my sleep.” - - So, cuddling in his darksome den, - Eftsoons he went to sleep again. - He slumbered on till nearly dawn-- - When he awoke, the cow had gone. - - * * * * * - -Evolution Up to Date - -_In the December issue we had the original Langdon Smith’s “Evolution”. -Now steps forth Lewis Allen with a much more modern expression on the -tadpole and fish idea. This is it:_ - -By Lewis Allen. - - When you were a tadpole and I was a fish - In the palaeozoic time, - ’Twas side by side near the ebbing tide - We tangoed through the slime. - We skittered with many a caudal flip - Through the maze of each fox-trot step, - For we had the craze in those ancient days-- - To the dance stuff we were hep. - - Mindless we lived, and mindless we loved, - And mindless we passed away-- - Which all goes to show that long ago - Our brains were the brains of today. - The world turned on “in the lathe of time” - With many a mighty twist. - We were normal then, beyond your ken. - No watch adorned your wrist! - - We were amphibians, scaled and tailed, - And garbed in the latest style. - We coiled at ease, ’neath the dripping trees, - Or played with a crocodile. - Croaking and blind, with our side-laced feet, - Writing a language dumb, - Though we had no brains, we had no pains, - And that was going some. - - Yet happy we lived, and happy we loved, - And happy we went our way, - And believe me, kid, when I say we did, - Which is more than we do today. - And the aeons came, and the aeons fled, - And days came with the nights, - To our surprise, we all had eyes, - So we took in the sights. - - Then light and swift through the jungle trees - We swung from bough to bough, - Or loafed ’mid the balms of the fronded palms-- - Wish we could do it now! - And Oh! what beautiful years were those - When we learned the use of speech, - When our lives were stilled and our senses thrilled - As we chattered with some dear peach! - - And that was a million years ago; - Years that have fled away, - Yet here tonight in the glaring light - We sit in a wild cafe. - And your thoughts are deep as a buckwheat cake. - Your peroxide hair is great; - Though your heart is cold and your age is old, - You love to hesitate. - - Once we howled through the jungle wastes. - With a club each won his mate. - And she had to work, nor could she shirk, - Lest a blow would be her fate. - But now we go on our bended knees - To a girl we would make our wife, - And she keeps us broke until we croak-- - Alas for the modern life! - - So as we dance at luncheon here, - Missing each savory dish, - I’m feeling blue, for I wish that you - Were a Tadpole and I a Fish! - - * * * * * - -Siam’s National Anthem - -(To the Tune of “America.”) - - Ova tannas Siam - Geeva tannas Siam - Ova tannas - Sucha tammas Siam - Inocan gif fa tam - Osucha nas Siam - Osucha nas. - - * * * * * - -A Regular Present - - She wouldn’t tell what Santa brought; - We hope this don’t sound shocking-- - But when she got in her brand new car, - We saw what she had in her stocking. - - * * * * * - -Confessions of a Dope Fiend - -_The following poem, written by a dope fiend, is the first of a series -he has contributed to this magazine. Although these poems are morbid in -character, the editor hopes their lesson will serve as warning to all -to “touch not, taste, shoot nor smoke.” This is the author s opening -explanation:_ - - _I started out wrong when I was a kid,_ - _And now my days are blue;_ - _Cigarettes, booze, wild women and dope--_ - _I’m a wreck at twenty-two._ - - * * * * * - -In Dreamy Chinatown - -By B.T., Los Angeles - - As I lie in this room, all hazy with smoke - From the “dopes” smoking hop and sniffing at coke, - My mind wanders back just a short year ago - To the time I first started at hitting the snow. - - But soon I’ll be dreaming again in my sleep - Of my little gray home away ’cross the deep; - I’ve thought of dear mother as much as I can, - I’ve fought ’gainst the dope and fought like a man. - - But here as I lie on my dirty old bunk - In the Hong Kong hotel, with my head full of junk, - I am hopelessly gone and await the last bell - That will usher me home to the dark depths of hell. - - There’s a little red devil a-prodding my feet, - Begging me gently to fall into sleep; - I’m gradually slipping, so here’s my last knell, - Because I am under the Chinaman’s spell. - - * * * * * - -Flirtation in a Flower Bed - - I had a flower garden, - But my love for it is dead, - ’Cause I found a bachelor’s button - In my black-eyed susans’ bed. - - * * * * * - -Fairies Revel in Moonshine - -_When old Bill Shakespeare outlined his tale for “The Merry Wives of -Windsor,” he certainly used extraordinary judgment in peering into the -future. His fifth act and fifth scene are almost a duplicate of present -life in New York City--that grand village by the sea, where red neckties -sell at a premium and moonshine lights the bright Broadway. Here are just -four lines that tell a story in themselves:_ - - They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die; - I’ll wink and couch; no man their works must eye. - Fairies, black, grey, green and white, - You moonshine revellers, and shades of night. - - * * * * * - -Something Stirring - - (First Convulsion.) - - Her death was so sudden, - Her death was so sad, - She gave up her life, - ’Twas all that she had. - - (Second Convulsion.) - - She now lies sleeping silently - Beneath a willow bough; - There’s always something stirring - When a freight train meets a cow. - - * * * * * - -That’s When I Need You - -(Serenade of a Whiz Bang Hen.) - - I don’t need you in the morning, - I don’t need you in the night, - I don’t need you when I’m hungry, - I don’t need you when I fight; - I don’t need you when I’m lonely, - I don’t need you when I’m blue-- - But when Farmer Billy wants some eggs, - That’s when I need you. - - * * * * * - -Tell Him Now - - If with pleasure you are viewing any work a man is doing. - If you like him, or you love him, tell him now; - Don’t withhold your approbation till the parson makes oration - And he lies with snowy lilies o’er his brow; - For no matter how you shout it, he won’t really care about it, - He won’t know how many tear-drops you have shed. - If you think some praise is due him, now’s the time to slip it to him, - For he cannot read his tombstone when he’s dead. - - More than fame and more than money is the comment kind and sunny, - And the hearty, warm approval of a friend, - For it gives to life a savor, and it makes you stronger, braver, - And it gives you heart and spirit to the end. - If he earns your praise, bestow it; if you like him, let him know it-- - Let the words of true encouragement be said. - Do not wait till life is over, and he’s underneath the clover, - For he cannot read his tombstone when he’s dead. - - * * * * * - -Or a Finger Ring - -By Gabe Caffrey. - - I want to be a doctor with prescriptions all my own, - To write them out and flop about - As dead as any stone. - I’d love to be a physician and have my little nip - Oh, I want to be a doctor-- - And sip, and sip, and sip. - - * * * * * - -Come on, Joe - - Gone are the days when we got beer in a can, - Gone are the days before we got the ban, - Gone are the days when we were a highball fan; - I hear the angels sadly calling, “Come, dry man.” - - (Chorus.) - - I’m coming, I’m coming, - And I have the ready dough; - I hear those dominoes a-calling, - “Come on, Joe.” - - * * * * * - -Police Inspection - - We were crowded in the cellar, - Not a soul would dare to sleep, - It was midnight in the barroom - And Old Joe lay in a heap. - - As we huddled there in darkness, - Each one seeing snakes and bears, - “They’re all drunk,” the barkeep shouted, - As he staggered down the stairs. - - But his little barmaid whispered, - Passing him a quart of gin: - “There’s a ‘copper’ at the back door, - Should I let the ‘cuckoo’ in?” - - * * * * * - -How Old Is Ann? - -By Billy Bea - - Where can a man buy a cap for his knee? - Or a key for a lock of his hair? - Or can his eyes be an academy - Because there are pupils there? - In the crown of his head, what gems are found? - Who travels the bridge of his nose? - Does the calf of his leg get hungry at times - And devour the corn on his toes? - Can the crook of his elbow be sent to jail? - Where’s the shade from the palm of his hand? - How does he sharpen his shoulder blades? - I’m tammed if I understand. - - * * * * * - -The Bachelor’s Dream - - Then give us the dances of days long gone by, - With plenty of clothes and steps not so high; - Oust turkey-trot capers and buttermilk glides, - The hurdy-gurd twist and the wiggle-tail slide. - - Then let us feast our tired optics once more - On a genuine woman as sweet as of yore; - Yes, Time, please turn backward and grant our request - For God’s richest blessing--but not one undressed. - - - - -Pasture Pot Pourri - - -Eczema, Oh! Eczema, don’t be so rash. - - * * * * * - -My cross-eyed sweetheart became my cockeyed bride. - - * * * * * - -Why do the widow’s wiles usually win out against the maiden’s smiles? - - * * * * * - -The pure food law doesn’t guarantee “preserved peaches.” - - * * * * * - -He Drinks Hair Tonic - - He asked me if I’d kiss him, - I kissed him once or twice, - I know I hadn’t ought to, - But, my Gawd, he smelled so nice. - - * * * * * - -Favorite Quotations - -I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.--Nat Goodwin. - -What is home without another.--Jack Johnson. - -I feel like the end of a misspent life.--Wm. J. Bryan. - - * * * * * - - Listen, my children, and you shall hear - Of the midnight raid on the neighbor’s beer. - - * * * * * - -We will now sing: “The World Is Mine,” by Jawn D. Rockefeller. - - * * * * * - -Man - - Take up thy bed, oh hunted one; - Make haste and quickly flee; - And when thou starts, do more than run - Lest woman and marriage overtaketh thee. - - * * * * * - -Advertisement: Colored woman wants washing. - - * * * * * - -Or on the Ear - -Eminent Physician--As we have no idea what the fashions may be when your -daughter grows up, I think it wise to vaccinate her on the tongue. - - * * * * * - -We’d Quit ’er - - ’Tis sad to love - But oh, how bitter, - To have a girl, - Whose face don’t fitter. - - * * * * * - -A Noise Like a Kiss - -What can a woman do that will make a horse go, a dog come, and a man stay? - - * * * * * - -Never hesitate in telling a woman that you love her--it increases her -self-respect. - - * * * * * - -Pat died and went to Heaven. - -“Why, Pat!” exclaimed St. Peter, “How did you get here?” - -“Flu.” - - * * * * * - -And He’ll Crow - -The modern chicken reminds one of the girl at the table who let an egg -fall on the floor. She said to the man next to her, in a horrified -whisper: “O, I’ve dropped an egg! What shall I do?” He replied: “Cackle.” - - * * * * * - -Monkey-shine - -By Vivian Yeiser Laramore. - - Said the monkey maid to her monkey mate, - “These cocoanuts are fine, - Let’s leave a few in the sun to brew, - And make some ‘monkey-shine.’” - - * * * * * - -Mule Wasn’t So Sensitive - -“The language you use to that mule is perfectly shocking!” - -“Yes,” replied the driver, “it seems to trouble everybody but the mule.” - - * * * * * - -Immodesty’s Penalty - - The Eskimo sleeps in his little bear skin, - And keeps very warm, I am told. - Last night I slept in my little bare skin - And caught a hell of a cold. - - * * * * * - -A little girl went to the soda clerk behind the fountain and asked for a -“Billy Sundae.” The clerk gave her a nut sundae. - - * * * * * - -Said the fruit jar to the top: “You’ll have to use a rubber on me, ‘Old -Top’.” - - * * * * * - -Re-published After Many Requests - -FOR SALE--One Ford car with piston ring, two rear wheels, one front -spring; has no fenders, seat or plank; burns lots of gas and is hard to -crank; carburetor busted half way through; engine missing--hits on two; -three years old, four in the spring; has shock absorbers and everything; -radiator busted--sure does leak; differential dry--you can hear it -squeak; ten spokes missing; front all bent; top blown off--ain’t worth a -cent; got lots of speed, runs like the deuce; burns either gas or tobacco -juice; tire all off, been run on rim; she’s a darn good Liz for the shape -she’s in. - - * * * * * - -Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil - - Some go to church to meet their lover; - Others go their faults to cover; - Some go there to blink and nod-- - But darn few go to worship God. - - * * * * * - -The improprieties of yesterday are the fashion of today. - - * * * * * - -Elucidated - -“A woman’s life is divided into two great periods.” - -“Elucidate.” - -“The first she spends looking for a husband, and the second looking after -him.” - - * * * * * - -Heaven will protect a working girl, but whoinell will entertain her? - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -It’s No Good Now, Algy - -(From the Denver Post.) - -For Sale--One Twin bed, never used, or might trade for baby buggy. - - * * * * * - -Wait Till 1922 - -(From the Gary, Ind., Tribune.) - -Lost--White mule, 3 years old, finder return to Antonio Cazarro. That’s -pretty old for white mule. - - * * * * * - -The Persian Cat Again - -(From the Clinton Herald.) - -Lost--A large white tomcat with gray tail and two gray spots on body. -Return to 1306 S. 3d st. and receive reward. - -Lost--Topsy, black Persian cat. Anyone seeing her call 231 5th ave. - - * * * * * - -Michigan Methods - -(From the Lansing State Journal.) - -Lady desiring room with mate free, may have same by inquiring 221 -Townsend. - - * * * * * - -What Runs? - -(From the Boston Transcript.) - -Will deposits in the Lisle Silk bank be increased because of the runs? - - * * * * * - -That’s A’right, We’re Wed - -(From the Bulletin of the U. of M.) - -Class in swimming of married couples will be organized Monday. Ladies’ -suits furnished if desired. - - * * * * * - -Pretty Soft - -(From the Watertown, S. D., Public Opinion.) - -Wanted--An assistant housekeeper in a family of two. Good home, easy job. -No children and none expected. Nothing but a Spaniel pup, looked after by -head of family. A mighty fine chance for the right person. Phone 4765. - - * * * * * - -Tells the World - -(From the Winnipeg Free Press.) - -I, Francis William Crink, am not responsible for any debts after Oct. -1 of Mrs. Crink, now living with Mr. Peabody, window cleaner, at 744 -Winnipeg ave. - - * * * * * - -Chiropodist or Manicurist? - -(From Indianapolis News.) - -Miss Edith May Hiatt, 18 When Building, personal attention which assures -you absolute satisfaction. - - * * * * * - -Traveling Men, Attention! - -(Knoxville Journal and Tribune.) - -FOR RENT--A traveling man’s wife, alone in a big 8-room house, wishes -to rent three or four nice, unfurnished rooms to a congenial couple, or -to two business women. Bath, hot and cold water furnished, with use of -phone. Call Old Phone 3988. - - * * * * * - -Complications - -“Yes, Private Smith was making a splendid recovery, but now there are -complications.” - -“Oh, I am so sorry! Did he catch pneumonia?” - -“No, he was caught kissing the nurse!” - - * * * * * - -A Wet Wedding - -Weddings, like other things, are progressive affairs in Idaho. Look at -this from an Idaho paper: - -“Yesterday at high noon Miss Helen ⸺ and Ward ⸺ were united in marriage -at the home of the bride’s parents in Wardner. The ceremony was performed -in the spacious living room which was beautifully decorated in syringes.” - - - - -_Jest Jokes and Jingles_ - - -Damphoolishness - - The woodry-blee pipes oolie-goo, - While on the brinkers grimes the moo. - - God save the King, the soldiers cried, - And then they took a trolley ride. - - A rooster crowed upon the hill, - His name was William--she called him Bill. - - ’Twas bitter cold at Valley Forge, - But nothing ever rattled George. - - The berries were growing on the vine, - Three times thirteen is thirty-nine. - - * * * * * - - Out in the kitchen a maiden fair - Plucked from the hash a golden hair. - - * * * * * - - Woman’s hair--beautiful hair, - What words of praise I’d utter; - But, oh, how sick it makes me feel - To find it in my butter. - - * * * * * - -Looking Up - -“Look up!” cries the optimist. - -“Look upward!” shouts the revivalist. - -And yet Robert Bailey was fined $1 and costs or ten days because he -looked up while under the Stadium bleachers. - -The police said there were ladies up above. - - --Toronto Telegram. - - * * * * * - - He took her rowing on the lake; - She vowed she’d go no more. - I asked her why--her answer came: - “He only hugged the shore.” - - * * * * * - -A woman’s first kiss may be attributed to childish curiosity; her second -to misplaced confidence; the others are just downright carelessness. - - * * * * * - -Not So Fond of It - -Mrs. Benham: “You used to say that I was the apple of your eye.” - -Benham: “Well, what of it?” - -Mrs. Benham: “Nothing; except that you don’t seem to care so much for -fruit as you once did.” - - * * * * * - - There was a girl in her own boudoir, - And she was tall and handsome; - And every time the wind blew hard, - It blew right through her transom. - - * * * * * - -Seven Ages of Man - -The seven ages of man have recently been tabulated on an acquisitive -basis, as follows: - -First Age--Sees the earth. - -Second Age--Wants it. - -Third Age--Starts to get it. - -Fourth Age--Decides to be satisfied with half of it. - -Fifth Age--Becomes still more moderate. - -Sixth Age--Now content to possess a six by two foot strip of it. - -Seventh Age--Gets the strip. - - * * * * * - - Under the swinging street car strap, - The homely old maid stands, - And stands and stands and stands and stands, - And stands and stands and stands. - - --Luke McLuke. - - * * * * * - -Har Du Got a Hod? - -An Irishman died and went to heaven. St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but we -just got a big consignment of Swedes from Minneapolis today and there is -no more room.” “Can I get in if I make room?” asked the late arrival. -“Certainly,” said St. Peter. The Irishman shouted through the gate, “Hey, -you fellows, there’s free snuff in hell.” And he made room, all right. - - * * * * * - -Society Note: Mr. Potter of Pottersfield felt cold and stiff this -morning. - - * * * * * - -In a Garden - -As I walked along the paths this morning picking flowers, I found in the -yellow heart of a Lady Slipper, a little brown bee. My first impulse was -to shake him out of his honeyed abode, but as I looked at his velvety -body and the sunlit rainbow wings, a foolish tenderness surged over me. -Perhaps there were baby bees at home that would starve if papa bee did -not bring back honey; and how useful this little creature was, carrying -the pollen from flower to flower--so I moved on, leaving him unmolested. -But even as I turned away thinking these pure, sweet thoughts, the darn -thing stung me. - - * * * * * - - When Adam in bliss - Asked Eve for a kiss, - She puckered her lips with a coo; - With looks quite ecstatic, - Gave answer emphatic: - “I don’t care A-dam if I do.” - - --Flo. - - * * * * * - -And she said I must Seattle as she rose Tacoma her hair, for if I wear my -nice New Jersey, what will Delaware? - - * * * * * - -When Greek meets Greek--they open a fruit store; but when Irish meet -English they open an uproar. - - * * * * * - -Beats me how these girls keep their dresses up. Must be strength of mind -that does it. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=Dear Bill=--Did you hear that they traded Manhattan for 24 cases of -whisky and that now they want to trade it back? Yours till the Statue of -Liberty shimmies up the Hudson, Flo. - - * * * * * - -=Dear Captain Billy=--I live at 268 W. Rayen Ave., Youngstown, Ohio, and -the other evening I saw this question and answer in your July issue: - - =Dear Bill=--What does my brother mean when he speaks of the - “depth bombs” and “submarine chasers” in army hospitals?--=Miss - Curiosity.= - - Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for reply. - -I am sending same and hope to hear from you. Resp. yours, John Wilson. - -(Editor’s Note--Dear Mr. Wilson: I have referred your letter to Miss -Curiosity, who undoubtedly will answer you personally.) - - * * * * * - -=Dot=--A. is right. Get out and walk. - - * * * * * - -=Rhoda=--Yes. You are old enough to wear what you please. That is as far -as your parents are concerned. But the police will not respect your age. - - * * * * * - -=Madge=--The Doctor was correct. After an operation for appendicitis the -cut shouldn’t show. - - * * * * * - -=Alden M.=--Can give you no advice about free love. Always thought love -very expensive. - - * * * * * - -=Hazel=--Do not marry the sixty year old millionaire. He’s too old and -too young to bring you happiness. - - * * * * * - -=Jacqueline=--Jackie, for short, you said you wanted to write me the -worst way. You did, I can hardly read your letter. Try again. - - * * * * * - -=Ima Flirt=--Yes, love is blind, as the old saying goes--but the -neighbors are not. Pull down your shades after this. - - * * * * * - -=Mable=--If the day be muddy and the boys will stand on the corner it’s -up to you to make good. Will speak to the cashier about sending you silk -stockings. - - * * * * * - -=Jim=--If you are dancing with another man’s wife it is proper to let him -see light between you. - - - - -_Luscious Limericks_ - - - There was a young man from Art Creek, - Who went around dressed in batik, - When they asked, “Are you well?” - He replied, “Ain’t it hell? - But in Art it’s the very last shriek.” - - * * * * * - - Another young chicken named Mary - Was in love with a youngster named Larry, - And when it was dark - They went to the park, - And there they did tarry and tarry. - - * * * * * - - There was a young feller named Aster - Who went in a wild bullock’s pasture; - The sweater he wore - Made the poor bully sore, - And so he ran faster and faster. - - * * * * * - - A sculptor made nymphs and bacchantes, - Omitting the coaties and panties, - Till a kind-hearted Madam, - Who knew where they had ’em. - Donated some warm Ypsilantis. - - * * * * * - -The Impulsive Cuss - - A maiden not lacking in pride - Went out with her beau for a ride. - She said, “Tell me, Joe, - How far do you go?” - “The sky is my limit!” he cried. - - * * * * * - - There was an old sculptor named Phidias, - Whose knowledge of art was invidious. - He carved Aphrodite - Without any nightie, - Which shocked all the people fastidious. - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady named Florence, - Who for kissing professed great abhorrence. - At last she was kissed, - And said: “My! What I’ve missed!” - And cried till the tears fell in torrents. - - * * * * * - - This story may be overdrawn, - But now that my ink is all gone, - I’ll say goodby, guys, - And cease with my lies; - ’Tis yours very truly,--Bull Kahn. - - * * * * * - -Even the repeal of the Eighteenth amendment wouldn’t do the brewers any -good. Everybody knows how to make his own, now. - - * * * * * - -I Like ’em, God Bless ’em - - These widowers are an elusive lot, - I like ’em! - They make you forego the sense you’ve got, - I like ’em! - They call you young, they think you’re green, - For blasé women they’re beaucoup keen, - They’re the worst darn pests I’ve ever seen, - I like ’em. - - --By Flo. - - * * * * * - - The best man that ever lived - Must take his child on faith alone, - But the worst woman that ever lived - Knows that her child’s her own. - - * * * * * - -That Osculating Thing - - A little kissing now and then - Is why we have the married men. - A little kissing, too, of course, - Is why we have the quick divorce. - - * * * * * - -The Alphabet of Love - - A is the art of man and maid; - B is the blush, so fair, displayed; - C is the challenge in the eyes; - D the dare that soon replies; - E but why the rest recall? - The rest is E-Z, that’s all. - - * * * * * - - A buzz ran ’round the party, - Some maids were e’en in tears; - A blasé girl--ye Gods, the shame-- - Had left exposed her ears. - - * * * * * - - The melancholy days have come, - The saddest of the year. - There’s no coal in the cellar, - And no goodness in the beer. - - * * * * * - - If I had a girl and she was mine, - I’d paint her back with iodine; - And on her ankles I’d place this sign, - “Keep off the lunch, they’re mine, they’re mine.” - - * * * * * - -Sincerity - - Let me live in a house - By the side of the road - Where the races of men go by; - The men who are good - And the men who are bad, - Just as good and as bad as I. - I would not sit on the scorner’s seat - Or hurl the Cynic’s ban; - But let me live in a house - By the side of the road - And be a friend to man. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: BATHING BEAUTIES!] - -Real photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls. - -Just the thing for your den. - -Size 3½×5½. - -Positively the best on the market. - -Assortment of 6 for 25 cents or 25 for $1.00. - -Send money order or stamps. - -Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is included. - -Egbert Brothers, Dept. W. B., 303 Buena Vista Street, LOS ANGELES, -CALIFORNIA - -_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in the U. S. Write for wholesale -terms._ - - * * * * * - -_Milady’s stocking, like a doctor’s prescription blank, must be filled to -be appreciated._ - - +------------------------ - _Start the New Year right / Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang, - and fill in the coupon / R.R.2, Robbinsdale, Minn. - below NOW. / Enclosed is money order (or - $2.50 per / check) for subscription commencing - year._ / with .................. issue - / MONTH - / - / Name ............................ - / Street ........................... - / City & State ...................... - - * * * * * - -_Everywhere!_ - -_WHIZ BANG is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, on trains, 25 -cents single copies, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 30 -cents single copies; two-fifty a year._ - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2. No. -16, January, 1921, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPT BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1921 *** - -***** This file should be named 55946-0.txt or 55946-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/5/9/4/55946/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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