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diff --git a/old/52614-0.txt b/old/52614-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e338542..0000000 --- a/old/52614-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6737 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage, Study & Studio, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Stage, Study & Studio - The Fun Library - -Author: Various - -Editor: J. A. Hammerton - -Illustrator: Fred Barnard - W. S. Brunton - George du Maurier - and others - -Release Date: July 21, 2016 [EBook #52614] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Harry Lamé and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - Transcriber’s Notes - - Texts printed in italics in the source document have been transcibed - _between underscores_. Blackletter and underlined texts have been - transcribed between =equal signs= and ~tildes~ respectively. - Superscript texts are represented as ^{text}. Small capitals have been - converted to CAPITALS. - - -[Illustration: THE ARTIST.--It’s no good making that noise, my good -fellow. As I told you just now, being a landscape-painter, I don’t want -models. - -(_From a drawing by Philip Baynes._)] - - - - - The Fun Library - - - [Illustration] - - _Edited by_ - _J.A. Hammerton_ - _Editor of the - Punch Library - of Humour_ - - STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO - - As pictured by FRED BARNARD, W. S. BRUNTON, GEORGE DU MAURIER, ERNEST - GRISET, CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH, PHIL MAY, GORDON THOMSON, H. M. - BATEMAN, J. L. C. BOOTH, W. K. HASELDEN, PHILIP BAYNES, THOMAS - MAYBANK, CHARLES PEARS, and many other humorists of the pencil. - - LONDON: EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO L^{td} - -[Illustration: VOL VIII] - - - - -PREFACE - - -The life of what still passes in London for “Bohemia”--in and about the -theatres, the studios and the literary clubs--figures conspicuously in -the pictorial humour of our time. It is but natural that the artist in -search of inspiration should occasionally turn his attention to his own -immediate surroundings, and find subjects for his art in the comic -representation of his fellows of the brush and pencil, his friends the -authors and the actors, and not infrequently, himself! Some of the most -pointed jokes of Keene, Du Maurier and Phil May introduced “the artist,” -and in the case of the last mentioned he usually depicted his own form -and features, as Cruikshank was fond of doing more than half a century -before him. - -This tradition has been well maintained among the artists of a later -day. We shall find that a very considerable proportion of the humorous -art of the moment concerns itself with the sayings and doings of our -Bohemians--a term, by the way, that indicates a very mild and -inoffensive variety of an almost extinct type of character. - -The Bohemian of the twentieth century is a much more wholesome person -than his prototype of the middle of the nineteenth. He may be still as -irresponsible, as unconventional in his manners, but he is at least -clean and less apt to degenerate into the “sponger.” He of the older -generation provided picturesque material for the humorist of the -pencil; but the stage, the study, and the studio still furnish much -matter for mirth, as the admirable work of Mr. W. K. Haselden, Mr. Bert -Thomas, Mr. H. M. Bateman, Mr. J. L. C. Booth, Mr. Charles Pears, and -other living artists of note, represented in the present collection, -bear ample witness. - -It is obvious from the Index that this volume contains a most -representative survey of its subject, and is probably second-to-none in -THE FUN LIBRARY for the high spirits and good humour which it reflects. -The collection ranges from the day of Cruikshank onward, and presents -many examples of such talented artists of the past as Fred Barnard, Du -Maurier, Keene, Leech, Phil May, Doyle, and many others, as well as -examples of Mr. Gordon Thomson, the veteran survivor of the merry men -who made _Fun_ and _Judy_ serious rivals of _Punch_ fifty years ago. - -The sources from which the illustrations have been drawn are much the -same as those that have provided the other volumes of THE FUN LIBRARY. -In the present volume there is a particularly fine selection from the -work of Mr. Haselden, reprinted here by special permission of the editor -of _The Daily Mirror_, and it also contains an important series by the -late Phil May, reprinted by arrangement with _The Sketch_, while we are -indebted to Mr. Gilbert Dalziel for permission to use a considerable -number of excellent items from _Fun_ and _Judy_, with which journals he -was so long and honourably associated. To Mr. Punch’s collections of the -“’sixties” we owe the numerous examples of Leech, Keene and Du Maurier -at their best. - -In brief, it may be claimed for “Stage, Study and Studio” that the -collection is fully up to the high standard we have sought to maintain -in all the volumes of THE FUN LIBRARY. - - J. A. H. - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: INDEX] - -TO THE ILLUSTRATIONS - - - PANTOMIMICS - PAGE - - Rehearsing the “fish” ballet 1 - Billy and Bunny 3 - Winning the gloves 4 - Modern languages taught in one lesson 5 - Theatre Royal--Nursery 6 - An ex(bus)horse-tive argument 7 - A pict-ure 8 - A swallow out of season 9 - “With a neck like that” 11 - Experienced young fellow 12 - Two transformation scenes 13 - Not the correct way of pudding it 15 - Humanizing influence of pantomime 16 - - - ON THE STAGE AND OFF - - Prompt but not prepared 17 - A wordless story 18 - English as she is spoke 23 - Cassius 24 - Acting under difficulties 25 - Ever-popular criminal on the stage 27 - On the stage--and off 28-9 - When actors are Members of Parliament 31 - When actors become modest 32 - “Still running” 33 - The part of Hamlet 34 - Good and bad business at the theatre 35 - “A little padding” 37 - The actor’s one topic--himself 39 - A side-box talk 40 - The bald baron 41-4 - - - FUN AT THE PLAY - - “Are you sitting on my hat?” 45 - Delights of theatre-going 46-7 - “Not so long as four solos” 49 - A little ruse 50 - A morning concert 52 - Pit, boxes, and gallery 54 - Playgoers and their eccentricities 56 - Credit where credit is due 57 - A “civil” retort 58 - - - AMONG THE AMATEURS - - At a fancy ball 61 - Private theatricals 63 - Private theatricals at the Titwillows’ 65 - - - THE POETS’ CORNER - - Portrait of a gentleman 67 - The poets illustrated 69 - No! Don’t 70 - The poets illustrated 74 - “Mariar Martin, or the Red Baarn” 75 - An illustrated edition of the poets 77-9 - Poets and their patrons 80 - - - MAINLY ABOUT AUTHORS - - Would-be novelist 85 - Lady Audley’s secret 86 - Perfect sincerity, or, thinkings aloud 88 - The ancient Britons 88 - A rural study 89 - “The great cypher work” 90 - Author’s miseries 92-7 - Harris-ing reflections 99 - “Hemily Fitz-Hosborn” 100 - - - THE EDITOR IN HIS DEN - - The editor at home 101 - Romance of advertising 103 - “Pirates surprised at sunset” 104 - Fancy portrait--Oliver Twist 105 - A fact! 106 - A new reading 111 - - - STUDIES FROM THE STUDY - - “He’s sent the books” 113 - Returned--with thanks 114 - A queer cut 115 - The pursuit of letters 116 - Grand march of Intellect 116 - Catalogue of the letter P. 117 - The age of intellect 118 - Subject for a picture 119 - An awful apparition 121 - The musical neighbour 123 - British Museum catalogue 124 - Analytical papers 125 - “Couldn’t read Miss Frump’s new book” 127 - The philosopher’s revenge 129-136 - - - FUN IN THE STUDIO - - “Present company always excepted!” 137 - “Very tiring” 138 - Wholesale 139 - “Qualifications” 140 - Behind the scenes 141 - “Asking for it” 142 - The commercial side 143 - Gaddy’s academy picture on view 144 - “Flattering” 145 - Profession and practice 146 - A rapid genius 147 - “English langweege” 148 - “Only their mothers” 149 - For exhibition? 150 - Pretty innocent 151 - “Aye, there’s the rub!” 152 - “Work hard and get your own living” 153 - March of science 154 - The real 154 - Pleasures of the studio 155 - A happy medium 155 - The ideal 156 - Two principal figures 157 - Answers for our artist 158 - The mother of invention 159 - Kindly meant 160 - “Where’s your beard?” 160 - How some old painters must have worked 161 - Studio persuasion 162 - “A portrait painter” 163 - Model husband and a lay figure 164 - Marvellous! 165 - A visit to the studio 166 - Scene in a studio 167 - Ballet of action 168 - Turps _v._ Turpitude 169 - One use for “Dundrearys” 169 - Accommodating! 170 - “Lucky fellow!!” 171 - “Noblesse oblige!” 172 - Our art-school conversazione 173 - “Only one spur a-piece” 174 - “Sharp’s the word” 175 - The sympathies of art 176 - Under a great master 176 - “Sent it to the wash!” 177 - “Ugly and as ridiculous as possible” 178 - Perfect sincerity; or, thinkings aloud 179 - Easily satisfied 180 - Compliments of the season 181 - “Skyed” 182 - - - ROUND THE GALLERIES - - Caution 183 - Painters and gazers 185 - An artist’s dream 186 - “Athletic exercises” 187 - Let them exhibit their pictures outside 188 - Pleasures of the Royal Academy 189 - Art in the National Gallery 190 - Outside the Royal Academy 191 - Charming fashion of long skirts 192 - “Unto this last” 193 - “Very like--very like” 194 - The umbrella question 195 - Pictures of the English, painted by the French 196 - A-musing 197 - Perhaps 198 - Reception of pictures at Royal Academy 199 - Our historical portrait gallery 200-1 - A study 202 - Overheard at the Academy 203 - Suggestions for the Royal Academy catalogue 206 - - - THE ARTIST OUT OF DOORS - - “It’s an ill wind,” etc. 207 - The old cottage 208 - The elysium of artists 209 - “A pretty prospect” 210 - Possibilities of a penny pistol and a box of caps 211 - Technical and practical 212 - “Impertinent curiosity of the vulgar” 213 - “That pre-Raphaelite fellow” 214 - Where ignorance is bliss 215 - Design for an album 216 - Studying skies 217 - Culture for the million 218 - An artist scamp in the Highlands 220 - Ingenious protection against midges 221 - Sketching from Nature 222 - “Very nearly a pound” 223 - Art at a cattle show 224 - What an artist has to put up with 224 - Enjoying himself in the Highlands 225 - “Compliments of the (sketching) season” 226 - “Fine Art” 227 - “Brother Brush” 228 - Making the best of it 229 - One reason, certainly! 230 - Æsthetics 230 - A broad hint 231 - Pleasant for Jack Daubs 231 - Flattering! 232 - Our adventurous artist 233 - Art and science 234 - An eye for colour 235 - Ignorance _was_ bliss 235 - Our artist 236 - - - SCULPTURE AND COMEDY - - “Well broke!” 237 - Venus of Milo 238 - “Ingenuas didicisse” 241 - At the great exhibition of 1861 243 - Popular history 244 - Capital punishment 245 - A flagrant attempt 246 - - - FUNNY FILMS: HUMOURS OF PHOTOGRAPHY - - “Many a true word spoke in jest” 247 - Bobby’s camera 249 - Interesting group posed for a photograph 250-251 - Happy thought 252-253 - Pleasant for Simpkins 254 - Unanswerable 255 - Can the camera lie? 256 - The artistic(!) studio 257 - “What for?” 259 - Portrait of a distinguished photographer 260 - A photographic picture 261 - Encouragement of art 263 - “A florid complexion” 265 - Artful! 266 - Subject for a picture 267 - Photographic beauties 268 - - - WANDERING MINSTRELS - - Christmas waits 269 - Division of labour 271 - Culture for the million 273 - Nothing like advertising yourself 275 - Sketch from a study window 277 - - - THROUGH THE OPERA GLASSES - - The opera 281 - What indeed? 284 - “French without a master” 285 - We don’t sing enough 287 - The high note 288 - The low note 289 - “Only twenty-two” 291 - Culture for the million 292 - Gentle rebuke 293 - -[Illustration] - - -CHIEF ARTISTS REPRESENTED - - ADAMS, JACK. 29. - BARNARD, FRED. 9, 69, 74, 76-9, 99, 115, 147, 160, 169, 176, 206, 220, - 244. - BATEMAN, H. M. 3, 208, 288-9, 291. - BEDE, CUTHBERT. 58. - BOOTH, J. L. C. 50, 90, 138, 190. - BRENTNALL, E. F. 212. - BROMLEY, V. W. 146. - BROWNE, W. G. A. 234. - BRUNTON, W. S. 154, 185, 235, 296. - BULL, RENÉ. 18. - COOPER, T. G. 155. - CRUIKSHANK, GEORGE. 24, 54, 116, 118, 178, 216, 279, 280. - DAUBENY, HESKETH. 104. - DOYLE, RICHARD. 84, 124, 200-1, 209, 269. - DU MAURIER, GEORGE. 65, 67, 89, 129-136, 141, 157-9, 192, 218, 229, - 238, 252, 253, 263, 271, 273, 292, 293. - GRISET, ERNEST. 161. - HASELDEN, W. K. 25, 27, 31, 32, 35, 39, 46, 47, 56, 57, 189, 287. - HOWARD, CAPT. H. R. 222. - KEENE, CHARLES. 91, 101, 139, 143-5, 168, 172, 173, 175, 182, 193, - 195, 198, 207, 213, 217, 223, 226-8, 230, 232, 233, 241, 245, 254, - 255, 265, 285. - LAWSON, F. W. 75. - LEECH, JOHN. 4, 8, 63, 70, 86, 88, 100, 114, 119, 121, 123, 155, 166, - 167, 179, 180, 196, 243, 246, 251, 256-7, 267, 268, 277, 281, 284. - LEETE, ALFRED. 45. - MAY, PHIL. 1, 11, 23, 37, 61, 137, 148, 149, 237, 247, 259. - MAYBANK, THOMAS. 81-3. - PEARS, CHARLES. 211, 249. - PROCTOR, J. 162. - SANDERCOCK, H. 106, 125, 150. - THACKERAY, WILLIAM MAKEPEACE. 286. - THOMAS, BERT. 34, 49, 191. - THOMSON, GORDON. 6, 14, 15, 16, 152, 197, 203. - WALL, A. H. 194. - WEIGAND, W. J. 17. - WRIGHT, FRANK. 215. - -[Illustration] - - -PRINCIPAL LITERARY CONTENTS - - PAGE - PLAYERS’ PRANKS 2 - EMMA AND ULPHO 19 - HUMOURS OF THE PLAYHOUSE 22 - SCENERY AND COSTUME OF THE STAGE 48 - ASS YOU LIKE IT 55 - HAMLET’S LAST SOLILOQUY 58 - AT THE MASQUERADE 60 - AMATEUR FLUTE-PLAYER 62 - ONLY SEVEN 64 - LYCEUM LYRICS 66 - THE POETS AT PLAY 68 - MOTLEY’S KINGDOM 76 - MY MANUSCRIPTS 81 - A MAN I HATE 84 - MARK TWAIN AND THE KEY 87 - HUMOURS OF THE PRINTING HOUSE 91 - HARRIS-ING REFLECTIONS 98 - HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING 102 - APPROVED BY THE EDITOR 109 - RULES FOR NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENTS 110 - LITERARY FLUNKEYISM 112 - HUMOURS OF OUR LANGUAGE 114 - MORE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING 120 - HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN 126 - A DANGEROUS WRITER 128 - PAINTERS AND GAZERS 184 - A DREAM OF UNFAIR WOMEN 204 - IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS 209 - PYRAMUS AND THISBE 239 - PHOTOGRAPHIC FAILURES 248 - THE PHOTOGRAPHS 258 - MRS BROWN AND THE GERMAN BAND 270 - STREET MUSICIANS 280 - THE BOHEMIAN GIRL 282 - RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OPERA 286 - A WOMAN’S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN 290 - THE ONION GIRL 294 - - - - -[Illustration: PANTOMIMICS - -REHEARSING THE “FISH” BALLET (A FACT). - -STAGE MANAGER. What are you, boy? - -BOY. Please, sir, I’m a whelk.] - - -[Illustration] - -PLAYERS’ PRANKS - - Practical joking might correctly be described as a remnant of the - barbaric ages, when strength and muscle received the respect we now - award to mind and brain. Indeed, it still passes current among modern - barbarians for humour, while in civilized States, where humour is - something that appeals to the intellect, joking in the practical sort - is generally regarded as buffoonery. Having admitted thus much, it may - be said that even practical joking is not all bad, and is sometimes “a - source of innocent merriment.” - - Joking of the practical kind is very often a pronounced characteristic - of the actor, as the countless stories of players and their pranks - abundantly prove. The reason for this is most likely to be found in - the fact that it requires something of the actor’s talent successfully - to carry out a practical joke, and actors, knowing they possess the - ability, are often tempted to exercise it. The name of the genial J. - L. Toole, of happy memory, will naturally occur to every one in this - connexion, and the fact of that good-hearted soul having had a strong - weakness for this diversion is ample proof that practical joking is - quite compatible with geniality of character. The stories that are - told of Toole and those which he told of himself would easily fill a - couple of volumes. For the purpose of the present chapter a typical - one will suffice. - -[Illustration: BILLY AND BUNNY. - -IRATE PARENT (_in front row_) OF SMALL BOY ASSISTING CONJUROR. -Disobedient young monkey! Why, it was only last week I forbade him to -keep rabbits.] - -[Illustration: A FANCY SCENE--WINNING THE GLOVES. - -From the grand pugilistic ballet of the fight for the championship, -which might, could, should, and ought to be played at one of the -operas.] - -[Illustration: THE MODERN LANGUAGES TAUGHT IN ONE LESSON! - -GERMAN PROFESSOR (_on “la Perche”_) _to Italian ditto below_. Be -steadier, Bill, will yer, or I’m blowed if I don’t come down!] - - The comedian once entered a dairy, and solemnly remarked to the - shopman--“I will take a boy,” with a glance at his shelves. “A boy, - sir?” asked the puzzled shopman. “Yes, or a girl,” replied the - comedian. The man never doubted but his visitor was a lunatic, and - said, mildly--“Pardon me, this is a milkshop.” “Come outside,” said - Toole, and taking the dairyman by the arm he led him out of the shop - and pointed to the sign. “I’ll take a boy or a girl,” he solemnly - repeated. “Read what your notice states--‘Families supplied in any - quantity.’” - - E. A. Sothern, the famous “Lord Dundreary,” had an insatiable - propensity for practical joking, and many are the stories of his - pranks. One of the most amusing, though, perhaps, a little cruel, - tells of his treatment of his guests on the occasion of a dinner party - to a number of congenial souls. They were all assembled but one, who - was rather late. After waiting a few minutes, the host suddenly - exclaimed--“Here he comes--let’s all get under the table--make haste.” - Anticipating a joke, they all scrambled under, except Sothern himself. - Enter guest--“Hallo! where are all the other fellows?” “Oh, they all - got under the table when they heard you coming. I’m sure, I don’t - know why.” The ignominous crawling forth one by one that ensued can - safely be left to the imagination of the reader. - -[Illustration: THEATRE ROYAL--NURSERY. - -Master Reginald’s tender years having prevented his attendance at the -Pantomime, Messrs. Tom, Charlie and Co. kindly give him a _résumé_ of -the evening’s performance.] - - It is always a good thing when we find the subject of a practical joke - joining good-naturedly in the mirth, and this we have in a story told - by the late Mr. G. A. Sala of a joke played upon him by Lord - Dundreary. “I remember going down to the Derby,” writes the famous - journalist, “in a highly festive fashion, with poor Edward Sothern, - the never-to-be forgotten Lord Dundreary. On this particular day - Sothern, the kindest, but still the most provoking of practical - jokers, was as full of mischievous pranks as an egg is full of meat. - He offered to bet me a guinea before we reached Clapham that I would - lose my temper, and lose it badly, before 2 p.m. ‘But why, my dear - Sothern,’ I asked, ‘should I lose it? The weather is beautiful, I did - my work by getting up at six this morning, I am in the best of all - good company, and I haven’t got a penny on the race.’ ‘Never mind,’ - persisted Lord Dundreary, ‘I will bet you one guinea that you will - blaze up like a vesuvian thrown into the fire before 2 p.m.’ - -[Illustration: AN EX(BUS)HORSE-TIVE ARGUMENT. - -MAZEPPA. Now, just you bang that ’bus door smarter to-night, or the old -hoss’ll never get a good start. - -CARPENTER. All right, miss. Cue’s “wild career.” - - [_N.B.--The noble steed is an old “Favourite.”_] - -[Illustration: A PICT-URE. - -Show-ing what Mas-ter Tom did af-ter see-ing a pan-to-mime--but you -would not do so--oh dear no!--be-cause you are a good boy.] - -[Illustration: A SWALLOW OUT OF SEASON. - -_Scene_--Boxing-night. - -GENTLEMAN IN FRONT (_bawling_). ’Ar-_reee!!!_ - -’ARRY, AT BACK. ’Ullo!! - -G. IN F. (_as before_). Where’s Bill-_leee!!_ - -’ARRY. Why, the young beggar’s been an’ swallered his sixpence in the -crowd, and they won’t let ’im in!] - - “It was half-past one when we reached the course, and one of the - officious red-jackets who haunt the Hill stepped forward and gave me - the customary brush down. I strolled a few paces onward, when another - red-jacket pounced down on me, and, notwithstanding my expostulations, - brushed me down again, hissing meanwhile as though he were grooming a - horse. I essayed to light a cigar, when a third brush-fiend was upon - me; but when a fourth made his appearance, brandishing his implement - of torture, the dams of my long pent-up temper broke down, and a - torrent of adjectives, the reverse of complimentary, flowed over the - fourth brush-demon. My wrath was at its height when I found myself - quickly tapped on the shoulder, and beheld the maliciously chuckling - countenance of Sothern. ‘I will trouble you for one guinea,’ he said, - and proceeded to explode with laughter. Of course he had followed me - about, and feed the brush-fiends to harry me to desperation.” - - W. J. Florence, a well-known American comedian in his day, was very - much on a par with Sothern in the matter of practical joking, and the - story of a good-natured trick he played on the latter, as related by - himself in one of his posthumous papers, is very entertaining. - “Meeting Sothern on Broadway one fine morning,” so the story goes, “I - told him that there was an oat for him at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, - taking care to pronounce my words in such a careless, inarticulate way - that the genial comedian thought I said there was a note for him at - the hostelry I had named. He accordingly started off post-haste up - town--we had met near the battery, whither we both had strolled for a - morning constitutional--to get his oat. When he reached the Fifth - Avenue Hotel and the clerk, in response to his inquiry, handed him out - the grain of oats which I had left for him, he saw the joke - immediately, and laughed at it most heartily, devoting the remainder - of the day to telling everybody he met what a capital joke Florence - had played on him.” - -[Illustration: “With a neck like that, what a fine thing it must be to -be thirsty!”] - -[Illustration: EXPERIENCED YOUNG FELLOW. Ah, Clara, you should have seen -the _Pantomimes_ that I’ve seen; these modern affairs ain’t half so -good.] - - The late Fred Leslie was another popular comic actor who, like Sothern - and Toole and so many of “the profession” past and present, was never - so happy as when planning some harmless practical joke, which was - always sure to amuse every one concerned. One of his most successful - efforts in this direction was made during his tour in America with the - Gaiety Company, and is related by the late Clement Scott in his - recollections of this celebrated comedian. - -[Illustration: TWO TRANSFORMATION SCENES. - -_Scene No. 1._--“The Rosy Realms of Boundless Bliss.” - -_Scene No. 2._--_En route_ from Rosy Realms to Rag-and-Bottle Alley, St. -Giles’s.] - - One night (says Mr. Scott) several of his _confrères_ had been invited - to a supper, and the number included the musical director of the - theatre they were then playing at. His absence from the orchestra - nearly the entire evening in question was generally commented on, and - it subsequently leaked out that he had been busily employed composing - the music of a song which he intended to submit to them for approval - before the party broke up. The night being a fine one, it was agreed - to walk from the theatre to the house of their host. The composer, - when he sallied from the stage door, was seen to have a huge roll of - music, carefully tied up, peeping from one of his overcoat pockets. - This was just as carefully abstracted, and some one was deputed to - stroll leisurely onward and engage the victim in apparently earnest - conversation, while the rest remained behind and committed the music - to memory, after which the manuscript was skilfully returned without - arousing the slightest suspicion. - - At the termination of the meal, and before the musician could reach - the piano, Leslie began to whistle a few bars of the melody, which, it - is scarcely necessary to add, attracted universal attention. When - pressed to continue, Leslie gave the air from beginning to end, and - when, at the conclusion, he remarked that it was an old English - ballad, cold beads of perspiration gathered on the forehead of the - unhappy composer. His solemn asseveration that he had that evening - written an original melody to the same air, note for note, was - received on every hand with apparent unbelief; and in order to verify - Leslie’s statement, most of those present followed his lead and sang - or whistled the composition through. The musician, we are told, was - allowed to play it over, and the resemblance, of course, was so - striking that he himself began to doubt his own sanity. But when he - came to know of the trick by which he had been bamboozled, he enjoyed - the joke as much as those who carried it out. - -[Illustration: NOT THE CORRECT WAY OF PUDDING IT. - -MASTER GUSSY. Oh, boohoo! What a shame to go throwing plum-pudding about -like that!] - -[Illustration: THE HUMANIZING INFLUENCE OF PANTOMIME. - -DEPRAVED CHILD. Oh, mamma, do look, the clown’s been and run a red-hot -poker right through that policeman--_isn’t it fun?_] - - - - -[Illustration: ON THE STAGE AND OFF - -PROMPT BUT NOT PREPARED. - -[_The call-boy has just called that distinguished amateur_ Muddle, _who -is doing_ Iago _for the first time_.] - -MUDDLE. Very odd! Knew every word of it this morning, too, but I’ll be -hanged if I can remember how it begins!] - - -[Illustration: A WORDLESS STORY.] - -EMMA AND ULPHO - -A DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS - -WRITTEN FOR EASTER, SANCTIONED BY THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN, BUT REJECTED BY -ALL THE THEATRES. - - -ACT I. - -(_A dark night. The curtain rises, and discovers nobody on the stage._) - -(ULPHO _speaks_.) How dark it is. - -(_He is answered by a hollow voice which is inaudible._) - -ULPHO. I do not feel comfortable, nor as I once did. (_Sighs._) - - (_The stage gradually fills till Ulpho is forced forward to the - footlights, which go out. The crowd parts asunder suddenly, and a - figure comes slowly forward._) - -FIGURE. (_Says nothing._) - -ULPHO. I feel chilly. - - (_Figure smiles contemptuously and puts his hands in his breeches’ - pockets. He then addresses Ulpho silently, and, after hesitating more - than once, breaks down at last altogether._) - - -ACT II. - - (_Still darker night. Graves spring their rattles and watchmen open. - Fate is seen sitting in the background in the shape of a policeman. A - glow-worm roars, and the side-scenes shake perceptibly. The moon, - which has been slowly rising, falls suddenly down._) - -[Illustration] - -ULPHO. Unfortunate moon! - -EMMA. Will you never cease to despond? - -ULPHO. Nothing on earth shall ever induce me. - - (_He takes his cap from his head, and hangs it carefully on a - hat-stand. In a fit of desperation he begins to tear his hair from his - head. Emma sinks into a swoon, and leaving Ulpho in the centre of the - stage, she goes off at both wings._) - - -ACT III. - - (_The morning breaks, and is already in many pieces. The first rays of - the sun are reflected in several hundred dewdrops which are rocking - themselves in the gently waving brush-wood. Two masks drop from the - trees and rush on each other’s swords._) - -[Illustration] - -1ST MASK. Are you dead? - -2ND MASK. Only parts of me. - -_Enter_ EMMA. - -1ST MASK. Lady, may I ask if you have any present intention of giving up -the ghost, if so, perhaps I could----? - -EMMA. I am much obliged to you, but I have already made my own -arrangements---- - -(_A pair of jack-boots are carried across the stage._) - -EMMA. Are those, perhaps, the mortal remains of my Ulpho? - -(_Ulpho enters in carpet slippers._) - -ULPHO. I am still alive, but I wear boots no more. - -[Illustration] - - (_The river rises, and a Dragoon Regiment, which has been stationed on - the opposite bank, are carried away, one by one, by the flood. Ulpho - fetches an umbrella from the side scenes._) - -EMMA. Would we could share it together! - - (_Ulpho is about to give it to her, when a thunderbolt descends, and - the umbrella falls between them._) - -ULPHO. Fate has decided otherwise. - - (_They embrace, and the curtain falls in an agitated manner._) - - -ACT IV. - -(_Enter an old man with a very broad-brimmed hat._) - -OLD MAN. Woe! Woe! - -ULPHO. What brought _you_ here? - -OLD MAN (_wildly_). Can I never preserve my incognito? - - [_He stabs himself._ - -EMMA (_regarding the body_). - - A fate like his I must admire; - How pleasant must it be to die? - Not otherwise would I expire, - And you, my Ulpho, standing by. - - [_She stabs herself._ - -ULPHO. Ah! now I feel lighter, better. - - [_He starves himself to death._ - - -ACT V. - -_Enter the Duke: A lay figure is also brought on to the stage._ - -LAY FIGURE. Behold the victims of thy revenge. - - [_Grand scena_--_Furies enter and tear the Duke slowly to pieces. The - end of the drama now approaches rapidly, and whilst everything is - trembling in every direction, the Prompter rushes on to the small - piece of stage still remaining, and stabs himself with a pair of - snuffers, and_ - -THE CURTAIN AND THE THEATRE FALL TOGETHER. - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration] - - -HUMOURS OF THE PLAYHOUSE - -[Illustration] - - The function of the stage is a much discussed question. We shall - assume that it is first and foremost a place of entertainment. Many - are the comedies, from Shakespeare’s to Shaw’s, that have tickled the - ribs of the “groundlings,” but there is also about stage performances - a frequent element of diversion supplied by effects entirely - unrehearsed. In most cases these “unrehearsed effects” assume the form - of amusing blunders, in others they may be witty impromptus on the - part of an actor or an auditor, “gags,” “wheezes,” what not! A - laughable mistake has often afforded relief to a dull play; while, on - the other hand, it may have been the means of spoiling an otherwise - effective scene. - - A curious thing about stage blunders is that, when one of the - characters makes a mistake it is almost a certainty that some other - member or members of the cast will follow suit. It is related of - Charles Matthews, the famous comedian, that if he made one mistake in - the course of a performance he was sure to commit several blunders - before the conclusion of the play; this, no doubt, arising from - over-anxiety to guard against slips. On one occasion he informed an - astonished audience that he saw “a candle going along a gallery with a - man in its hand,” and later in the play he stated that he had “locked - the key and put the door in his pocket.” - - John Kemble, according to an anecdote told of him in Tom Moore’s - _Diary_, once made a very ludicrous mistake. He was performing one of - his most famous parts at some country theatre, and, as is common in - some provincial temples of the Drama, a child had been making its - presence very pronounced by emitting the shrill noises peculiar to the - average infant. At last Kemble could bear the infantine interruptions - no longer, and advancing to the front of the stage he assumed his most - tragic air and said--“Ladies and gentlemen, unless the play is - stopped, the child cannot possibly go on.” Kemble’s audience on that - occasion was not like the one in San Francisco in its early days. An - opera company was performing in the rowdy city of the “Pacific Slope,” - when a child in the auditorium created a great disturbance. The burly - gold-seekers, who mainly composed the audience, ordered the players to - stop till the child was finished with its entertainment, as an - infant’s voice was such a rarity in the Wild West at that time that it - awakened pleasant memories of the old home and tugged at the - heart-strings of the rough-and-ready miners. This is a genuine - instance of the play being stopped and “the child going on.” - -[Illustration: ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE. - -TOUCHSTONE (_to Stage Manager_). ’Ow do you expect me to speak my lines -correct with all that ’owling and ’ooting and ’issing going on in -front?] - -[Illustration: CASSIUS.] - -[Illustration: ACTING UNDER DIFFICULTIES. - -The public insist on seeing their stage favourites, even when they are -not quite fit. A well-known actress sang “Carmen” from a bath-chair -recently. What next?] - - A very amusing mistake is laid to the credit of Quin. On one occasion, - while he was acting “Judge Balance” in _The Recruiting Officer_, he - addressed Mrs. Peg Woffington in these terms-- - - “Sylvia, what age were you when your dear mother married?” - - Peg made no reply to the embarrassing query, so Quin proceeded-- - - “I ask you what age you were when your mother was born?” - - Thus going from bad to worse. The actress fortunately did not lose her - presence of mind, and replied-- - - “I regret I cannot answer your question; but I can tell you how old I - was when my mother _died_.” - - Amusement is frequently afforded by some member of the audience losing - himself in the play, and fancying that the scene before him is a page - from real life. When such incidents occur, they form excellent - testimonials to the dramatic abilities of the actors. A striking - instance of this kind is related in connexion with the late Fanny - Kemble. It occurred while she was appearing in Philadelphia as - “Juliet.” She had just repeated the lines-- - - What’s here? A cup close in my true love’s hand? - Poison, I see, has been his timeless end-- - - when a tall, lanky, medical student in a stage box, who had evidently - been deeply absorbed in the scene, thrust his hat on his head in great - excitement, crying out in a voice that could be heard all over the - theatre--“Keep him up, Juliet; I’ll run and fetch the stomach pump.” - - An incident of a similar nature occurred many years ago at the London - Princess Theatre. A well-known conveyancer, noted for absence of mind, - during a performance of _Macbeth_, one of the witches replying to the - Thane, that they were “doing a deed without a name,” started up - exclaiming, to the bewilderment of the audience--“A ’deed without a - name’! Why, it’s void. It’s not worth sixpence!” The last time Kean - played _Louis XI_ at the Edinburgh Theatre Royal, a young Irishman who - had been sitting spellbound in the stalls, after the attendants had - proclaimed, “The King is dead!” exclaimed, “And may the Lord have - mercy on his guilty soul.” - -[Illustration: THE EVER-POPULAR CRIMINAL ON THE STAGE. - -Criminals (on the stage) are extraordinarily popular. In real life, we -do not like being stolen from. On the stage, we love to see a fine, -dashing criminal stealing from other people. The worse he is, the louder -we applaud him.] - -[Illustration: ON THE STAGE-- --AND OFF.] - - Sometimes a voice from the “gods” may be the means of swamping a play. - This was the case with the only dramatic piece ever written by Miss - Braddon, the famous novelist. In one of the acts a child was kidnapped - from its mother, and at the end, when all the characters in the play - were being made happy, the restoration of the child was taken for - granted. This was a dramatic mistake, and while suited for a novel, - was not to be accepted in the theatre. The omission passed unnoticed - for half a minute after the fall of the curtain; then one of the - “gods” leaned over the gallery and coolly inquired--“What about the - kid?” The piece was doomed in the uncontrollable peals of laughter - that followed. - - Instances where members of a cast, through ignorance or forgetfulness, - take some scene or dialogue literally, are most mirth-moving, if - somewhat rare. A highly entertaining instance of this kind occurred - once when John Kemble was playing _Hamlet_ in a country town. An - actor, who was sustaining the part of “Guilderstein,” was, or imagined - himself to be, a capable musician. “Hamlet,” in the usual course of - the play, asked him-- - - “Will you play upon this pipe?” - - “My Lord, I cannot.” - - “I do beseech you.” - - “Well, if your lordship insists upon it, I will do as well as I can.” - - And to the great consternation of “Hamlet” and the amazement of the - audience, he proceeded to play “God Save the King.” - - A delightful piece of literalism is told about a property man who on - one occasion was deputizing at a rehearsal of _Macbeth_ in which a - well-known actor was filling the title rôle. Here is a scrap of the - dialogue-- - - _Property Man._ As I looked towards Birnam, anon, methought the wood - began to move. - - _Macbeth_: Liar and slave! - - _P.M._: S’help me bob, sir, the blokes told me to say so. - - To ludicrous instances there is no end; but perhaps one of the most - comical occurred in a wretched little French theatre during the time - of the first Revolution. Madame de Larme, who was playing “Juliet” on - the occasion, was lying in the death scene on a tombstone. Outside, it - was raining in torrents. A drop came through the roof and fell on - “Juliet’s” nose. She made a face. Another drop found its way to her - eyelid. She winked. Finally, she took to watching the drops and - dodging them. The situation was at once appreciated by the audience, - and it sympathized with the actress. - - “Look out, Mrs. Juliet,” said one fellow, “there’s a big one coming. I - see it.” - - “Mind your eye,” said another. - - “Madame,” said a third, rising, “will you accept my umbrella?” - - But “Juliet” bore up bravely to the end, and finished the scene amid - the applause of a sympathetic audience. - - In a Glasgow theatre some forty years ago, the playgoers were treated - to a very diverting scene that was not in the programme. The play was - _After Dark_, and in one of the acts there is a very exciting railway - scene in which a train crosses the stage just as one of the characters - who has been tied to the rails is released. The manner in which the - train is manipulated is very simple. A number of men, concealed behind - it, run across the stage. On this occasion the man who was working the - engine tripped and fell, carrying the engine with him, when about - halfway across the stage. The man in charge of the tender, not having - time to clear out of the way, fell over the engine-keeper, and the - third fell over him, the curtain being run down on the most exciting - railway disaster that ever occurred in Stageland, the audience - laughing heartily the while. - -[Illustration: WHEN ACTORS ARE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT.] - -[Illustration: WHEN ACTORS BECOME MODEST.] - -[Illustration: COMEDIAN. Is your play still running? - -TRAGEDIAN. No--but the manager is!] - - At a theatre in Glasgow the writer witnessed a very amusing incident - in the course of a representation of _Theodora_ by Miss Grace - Hawthorne’s Company. There is a tremendously “bluggy” scene in this - drama, which closes with the heroine standing in the middle, while a - collection of corpses strew the stage. On the night in question the - drop curtain refused to perform its office, and after coming half-way - down complacently stuck there. The dead bodies lay in dreadful - suspense for some time, and then in despair got up and walked off! - -[Illustration: BILL. See that cove, ’Arry? He takes the part of Hamlet. - -’ARRY. Well, good luck to him if the bloke’s in the right.] - - While this immensely delighted a nineteenth-century audience as an - absurdity, it appears to have been quite the custom on the Restoration - Stage, when players “died” in front of the curtain and were either - carried off or walked away afterwards! This is seen from the famous - epilogue spoken by Nell Gwynne in Dryden’s _Tyrannick Love_. She - played a serious part on this occasion, and in the last act stabs - herself twice, and dies. She lies dead on the stage; then, when the - bearer comes to carry her off, she starts to her feet, exclaiming-- - - “Hold! Are you mad? You damned confounded dog! I am to rise and speak - the epilogue.” - -[Illustration: GOOD AND BAD BUSINESS AT THE THEATRE. - -When a play is a success the theatre-goer is treated with less -consideration than when it is a failure. In the latter case he is -overwhelmed with attention and kind words.] - -[Illustration] - - Stage “waves” have often afforded no little amusement to the audience. - The troubled ocean is simulated on the stage by a number of men lying - on their backs under a painted canvas, kicking their legs and throwing - their arms about with a certain amount of regularity, the men being - blindfolded to prevent the dust getting into their eyes. During a - performance of the _Black Flag_, at Dundee, a scene in which the waves - were required was introduced and went with its usual success till one - evening the curtain got entangled with the sea-cloth, and on the - former being raised it carried the latter with it, exposing to the - view of the audience the group of wave-makers lying on their backs - vainly kicking the air. The audience, of course, screamed with - laughter, which set the wave men wondering, and, thinking something - was amiss, they unfastened the bandages over their eyes and discovered - their undignified positions, quitting the stage with the greatest - rapidity. The audience were not in a mood for settling down to watch - the surging sea after this, and the remainder of the scene was omitted - from that performance. - - In this connexion the experience of a well-known comedian who started - his career as a humble “wave,” will afford the reader some merriment. - He writes:--“At last the shipwreck came on, and I was hustled under - the sea-cloth along with a dozen other ‘supes.’ Our business was to - make the sea rise in its might and wreck the gallant ship. We had been - repeatedly cautioned at rehearsal not to use our hands, but to go down - on all fours and produce the foaming billows by ‘humping’ our backs up - and down. This was a very trying exercise; it was much easier to use - our hands, though it gave to the rolling billows a jagged and - unnatural appearance, and when the dry white paint sifted freely - through the cloth, covering us up, choking and blinding us as the - climax approached, I commenced in a fit of desperation to use my - hands, so as to dodge the foam as much as possible, and keep it from - totally blinding me. But I was soon perceived by the stage carpenter, - who instantly dived under the cloth, labouring under wild excitement, - and commenced cursing me in dumb show for not ‘humping’ my back as I - had been told to do. He was so fierce that I quickly edged away from - him. This made him worse. He signalled me to come back. I edged away a - little further, and a moment later stood up through a hole in the - cloth, as big as a barn door, in the midst of the angry breakers, and - covered from head to foot with the white powder. There was not a sound - in the house until I gave a terrible ‘chahoo!’ and suddenly dived back - under the waves. Then you could not have heard the report of an - eighty-ton gun a hundred yards away.” - -[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEUR (_who has been cast for the part of -Sir Toby Belch_). I suppose I shall want a little padding? - -COSTUMIER. Certainly. (_Shouting_) Ernest, bring down a full-size -stomach!] - - A very droll interruption occurred one evening in a St. Helens theatre - when the late Signor Foli was singing. The celebrated bass had just - finished the first verse of his favourite song, “The Raft,” when a - baby started squalling, and still continued as he began the second - verse, commencing-- - - Hark! What sound is that - Which greets the mother’s ear? - - but he got no further, being seized with uncontrollable laughter, - which for the moment puzzled the audience, but presently it dawned - upon them that the next line was-- - - ’Tis, ’tis a baby’s voice; - - and they joined the Signor in his mirth. He left the stage for a - moment, and returned and sang in his exquisite style “Out on the - Deep.” - -[Illustration: THE ACTOR’S ONE TOPIC--HIMSELF. - -Actors are charming people, but unfortunately they are so keen about -their work, that their thoughts constantly recur to it, and they cannot -keep their own latest achievements out of the talk. A lunch at an -actors’ club is apt, in consequence, to be a trifle monotonous.] - -[Illustration: A SIDE-BOX TALK. - -ROGUY AND POGUY. - -ROGUY. See that girl looking at me, Poguy? - -POGUY. Don’t I? I declare she can’t keep her eyes off you. - -ROGUY. What women care for, Poguy, my boy, is not features, but -expression. - - [_He pokes Poguy in the waistcoat._] - - Many good stories are told of the facetiousness of Dublin audiences. - Here is one that Macready used to relate:--One night while performing - “Pierre” in _Venice Preserved_, the Jaffier, an actor ponderous in - person as well as in style, was drowsing out his dying speech, when a - voice from the gallery exclaimed, “Ah, now, die at once!” to which - another from the opposite side of the house responded, “Hould your - tongue, you blackguard!” then, in a patronising tone to the Jaffier, - “Take your time now!” - - There was humour, and what is often much akin to that, pathos, in the - appeal wrung from the unlucky representative of crook-backed Richard, - who, finding it impossible to make head against the disapprobation - evoked by his histrionic efforts, dropped blank verse, and in very - plain prose told his audience--“Mr. Kean is playing this part in - London at a salary of thirty pounds a night; I receive but fifteen - shillings a week; and if it isn’t good enough for the money, may - Heaven give you more humanity!” - - At a crowded country theatre in France a woman fell from the gallery - into the pit, and was picked up by one of the spectators, who, hearing - her groaning, asked her if she was much injured. “Much injured!” - exclaimed the woman; “I should think I am. I have lost the best seat - in the very middle of the front row.” - -[Illustration] - - -THE BALD BARON - -OR, THE FALSE HEIR AND THE ABSENT WILL - -A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS. - -[Illustration: BALD BARON. Alas, noble stranger, my heir was taken off -eighty years ago!] - -[Illustration: NOBLE STRANGER. Yer’s a-go--old man, be-hold thy -long-lost chyield.] - -(_They embrace._) - - [CURTAIN. - - -ACT I. - -[Illustration: AGNES. Oh, agonies! sixty years have I waited for my -Willie. Oh, will _he never come_.] - -[Illustration: (_Enter_) FALSE HEIR. Beauteous Screecher, fly with -me--(_Agnes faints_)--ha, ha, she’s mine. Away!] - -[Illustration: (_Enter_ WILL.) Where there’s a will there’s a way.] - - [CURTAIN. - - -ACT II. - -[Illustration: _Scene, the private pass and the seedy glen._] - -[Illustration: WILL. Treachery; I’ve got a drop too much.] - -[Illustration: FALSE HEIR. One down, who’ll make two? - -AGNES (_suddenly entering_). Vill-ian--you!] - - [CURTAIN. - - -ACT III. - -[Illustration: Terrific combat of many hours’ duration.] - -[Illustration: FALSE HEIR (_mortally wounded_). My time has come--Here -are the papers--You are the Baron de la Bluebags.] - - [_Grand display of blue-fire, and fall of_ CURTAIN. - - -ACT IV. - - - - -[Illustration: FUN AT THE PLAY - -HE. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my hat. - -SHE. Oh, I’m so sorry; I thought it was my husband’s.] - - -[Illustration: THE DELIGHTS OF THEATRE-GOING. - -The pleasures of the cloak-room. No less than one attendant to each -million hats and coats. Charge only sixpence (exclusive of tip), and -every customer is allowed to fish out his own wearing apparel from the -pile, if he can find it. Each attendant guaranteed to be innocent of all -knowledge of figures, so that every client gets the wrong things. This -adds a gambling interest to the general scuffle.] - -[Illustration: THE DELIGHTS OF THEATRE-GOING. - -The unmannerly rush for drinks and smokes between the acts. As the space -between the rows of seats is so narrow, the drinking brigade have to -tread on those they leave behind, tearing frocks, smashing corns, and -elbowing inoffensive ladies and gentlemen in the face.] - - -SCENERY AND COSTUME OF THE STAGE - - We must assume there is something very peculiar in the rural - landscapes and the town residences inhabited by the dramatic - population, if the haunts of their rustics and the dwelling-places of - their citizens are to be judged by the representations of these places - which we see upon the British stage. The dramatic idea of the country - consists usually of a series of set pieces, backed by a six-inch deal - bridge, surmounting a two-foot waterfall, and leading to a profile - cottage of such diminutive dimensions that when the feet of any one - entering it are on the basement, his head soars into the second story, - and he cannot, without doubling himself completely up, go either in or - out of the door. In some cases the cottages have no pretension to - habitable qualities, but are simply “made out” of a single piece of - canvas, on which a clearly “impracticable” window is painted, and - which the business of the scene does not require to be opened, the - cottage being only needed as the cue for some song or sentiment, such - as “Ah! that humble cot--how its aspect makes me sigh for Home, Sweet - Home!” or, “The sight of that lowly roof makes me feel no envy for - pampered pride in its palace, or venal villany in its villa; for I am - convinced more and more of the beautiful truth, that it is in the - cottage alone contentment can be found.” - -[Illustration: DAUGHTER. What do you think of the quartette? - -GRUMPY FATHER. Humph, won’t take as long as four solos!] - -[Illustration: “My dear Lady Thompson, I had no idea you’d broken your -arm.” - -“Don’t be alarmed, dear. These horrid people would never have let Fido -in, so I had recourse to a little ruse!”] - - Sometimes there is, by way of background, a castle, frightfully - foreshortened, with its battlements half a yard high, and its towers - towering among the sky-borders, while its foundations rest on a rock - no higher than the top of the low comedian’s hat; but the structure is - sufficient to admit of its being apostrophized by some young gentleman - in hessians and a chocolate surtout as “Deserted halls of my - ancestors, whose pavements have rung to the clang of the usurper’s - hoof, and whose donjon-keep has echoed to the noisy revels of a - stranger band.” When the occasion is an operatic one, the distant - castle forms an admirable subject for something like the following-- - - RECITATIVE. - - Long cherished pile--home of my ancient sires, - Your aspect kindles all my youthful fires; - And when your sainted towers salute mine eyes, - Within my breast revengeful feelings rise. - - Every playgoer is familiar with the “mossy bank” of dramatic rural - scenery, with one end slightly elevated for the head of the weary - wayfarer or benighted traveller, and a bit of an old bolster craftily - crammed underneath the canvas to complete the mossiness of the - contrivance. - - The town scenery of the stage is not less peculiar than its - landscapes, and the exteriors are particularly adapted for teaching - “what to avoid” to the youthful architect. If young _Dashington_ calls - upon _Lord Toplofty_, the latter lounges lazily out of the first-floor - French window, in which his head and shoulders are a pretty tight fit, - while the former bears about the same proportion to the house that the - peasant bears to the cottage we have already been speaking of. It is a - singular fact that the inside of any one room is no sooner represented - to us, than we find it to be much larger than the whole house when - judged by its external appearance; and though the mansion itself may - be only ten feet high from the basement to the tip of the topmost - chimney-pot, the smallest apartment is found to be as wide as the - wings are apart, and as lofty as the proscenium. - -[Illustration: A MORNING CONCERT. - -WIFE. George! George! You are not in church!] - - In costume, the stage presents some really astounding phenomena; and - we have often been struck by the similarity of the dresses worn by the - retainers of every country, every age, and indeed of almost every - family. One would think that the word retainer referred to the fact of - the same habiliments being always retained under all circumstances, - whether the wearer happens to be a creature of the house of Hapsburg, - a vassal of a Norman noble, or a member of a bellowing band of Swiss - patriots, shouting such choruses as the following:-- - - Then onwards to freedom; - Our tyrants shall know, - No longer we need ’em; - Let’s join in the blow: - Yes, out let us weed ’em, - And lay them all low. - Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! - - While our blood - In a flood - We’ll freely let flow. - Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! - _Echo (by the Prompter) in the mountains,_ - Oh! oh! oh! oh! - - _Punch._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: PIT, BOXES AND GALLERY.] - - -ASS YOU LIKE IT - - “Ass in præsenti.”--_Eton Latin Grammar._ - - The forthcoming show of donkeys promises to be a great success. The - only difficulty that seems to us likely to embarrass the manager is - the selection of a locality large enough for the exhibition. If but a - tenth part of the asses in the metropolis make an exhibition of - themselves on this, as they are apt to do on ordinary occasions, - nothing smaller than the grounds of the Crystal Palace or the - Alexandra Park could possibly accommodate them. - - The following, we believe, are already entered:-- - - An egregious ass, that believes in the speedy subjugation of the - Confederates by the Federals in America. - - An awful donkey, who prefers Tupper to Tennyson. - - An old ass, who, by means of false teeth, tight waist, a wig, and - rouge, imagines himself a lady-killer. - - A young ass, who, by smoking strong cigars until he is sick, imagines - himself manly. - - Several thundering donkeys, who are always sending money anonymously - to the Chancellor of the Exchequer for unpaid income-tax. - - A still larger number of even more hopeless asses, who patronize - quack-doctors, cheap, puffing tailors, delineators of character by - handwriting, and other advertising swindles. - - An irreclaimable ass (supposed to be the only one living), who does - not see any merit in FUN. The greatest ass alive. - - There are several others we could mention, but the astounding asinine - qualities of the last-named donkey have quite taken away our breath. - In the forthcoming “competitive examination, of donkeys,” let him by - all means bear away the prize! - - _Fun_, 1863. - -[Illustration: PLAYGOERS AND THEIR ECCENTRICITIES. - -Chief eccentricity is the amazing mania for rushing out of the theatre -before anybody else, in order that you may stand firmly at the door, -preventing everybody from getting away.] - -[Illustration: CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. - -At a theatrical first night there were loud cries on the part of the -audience for the scene painter, whose splendid work had contributed -largely to the success of the piece. Now certain other functionaries in -theatres think they should be called out also.] - -[Illustration: A “CIVIL” RETORT. - -CAPTAIN DE PLUNGER. I say! aw--you tha-ar--are you, aw--the boxkeepar? - -CIVILIAN FELLOW. No, my boy; I’m not. Are you?] - - * * * * * - - -HAMLET’S LAST SOLILOQUY - -(From _Fun_, 1863.) - - Alas! alas! and hath it come to this, - That I, no longer _Hamlet_, play the _Ghost_? - And such a _Ghost_! No old time-honoured vision, - In coat of pasteboard trimm’d with gleaming foil, - With whiten’d visage, and with grizzled wig. - But a mere base delusion of the eye; - A mirror’d image in a showman’s glass, - A conjuror’s trick to set a crowd agape, - I stand, forsooth, upon an English stage - To watch a strutting Frenchman ape my prince! - I to be such a _Ghost_ as this? Yes, I, - Who’ve been the _Hamlet_ of some score of years; - Whose face, shape, elocution, manner, all - Mark me the hero’s true and very self! - _I_ play the _Ghost_? For me the _Ghost_ may go - To his “sulphureous and”--I mean elsewhere. - Help me! ye Britons! from the Wells of Sadler! - Help me! ye powers of earthly Chancery! - Keen-sighted Wood, and most judicious Westbury, - Help me! I cry. It is your Phelps that calls! - - [_Rushes out at the rate of £40 a week._ - - - - -[Illustration: AMONG THE AMATEURS] - - -AT THE MASQUERADE - - I know ’twas not the proper thing to do, - And yet I thought it would be jolly too, - To go alone to that swell masquerade, - And so I did it. Well my plans were laid. - My wife of my intentions naught did know. - I told her, out of town I had to go, - And she believed me. Leaving her to stay - At home, I went and danced in costume gay. - I had been at the ball an hour or so, - When some one introduced a domino. - I saw that she was plump and graceful, and - She had a pretty little foot and hand. - Her eyes, I noticed, flashed like diamonds bright, - Though plump, she waltzed divinely; feather light, - And then she flirted with most perfect art, - It isn’t singular I lost my heart. - Soon my sweet charmer I began to ask - To step into an alcove and unmask! - To let me see the lovely face I’d swear - Was hid behind that mask. My lady fair - At first refused. I pleaded long and hard; - Declared my life forever would be marred, - Unless her cruelty she would relent. - My pleading won, at last, a shy consent. - Her face she would permit my eyes to view, - If I unmasked, the selfsame instant; too. - The dancing-hall had alcoves all around, - And soon in one of these ourselves we found; - The alcove was, for two, the proper size, - And passing dancers would not recognize - You, for the light was dim within the niche, - And flowers, about, their perfume gave. My witch - Her mask removed. I meantime did the same. - “My wife!” “My husband!” So we did exclaim. - The truth we neither of us had mistrusted, - And each was disappointed and disgusted. - -[Illustration: AT A FANCY BALL. VOICE WITHIN (_to waiter_). I’m -starving! For goodness sake, get a can opener. I can’t get this beastly -visor up.] - -[Illustration] - - -THE AMATEUR FLUTE-PLAYER - - Hear the fluter with his flute, - Silver flute! - Oh, what a world of wailing is awakened by its toot! - How it demi-semi-quavers, - On the maddened air of night! - And defieth all endeavours - To escape the sound or sight - Of the flute, flute, flute, - With its tootle, tootle, toot, - With reiterated tootings of exasperated toots. - The long-protracted tootings of agonizing toots, - Of the flute, flute, flute, flute, - Flute, flute, flute, - And the wheezing and the spittings of its toots. - - Should he get that other flute-- - Golden flute-- - Oh, what a deeper anguish will its presence institoot! - How his eyes to heaven he’ll raise - As he plays - All the days! - How he’ll stop us on our ways - With its praise; - And the people--oh, the people! - That don’t live up in the steeple, - But inhabit Christian parlours - Where he visiteth and plays-- - Where he plays, plays, plays - In the cruellest of ways, - And thinks we ought to listen, - And expects us to be mute, - Who would rather have the earache - Than the music of his flute-- - Of his flute, flute, flute, - And the tooting of his toot-- - Of the toot wherein he tooteleth his agonizing toot - Of the fluet, fluit, floot. - Phlute, phlewt, phlewght, - And the tootle-tootle-tooting of his toot. - -[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS--THE MOUSTACHES. - -LADY B. (_a wicked Marquis_). But have you made me fierce enough, -Charles? - -CHARLES. Fierce!--ferocious!] - -[Illustration] - - -ONLY SEVEN - -A PASTORAL STORY, AFTER WORDSWORTH. - - I marvelled why that simple child - Made faces like the Gorgons, - And clapt its hands, with moanings wild, - On its digestive organs. - - Adopting a parental tone, - I asked her why she cried, - The damsel answered with a groan, - “I’ve got a pain inside.” - - “I thought it would have sent me mad - Last night about eleven”; - Said I, “What is it makes you bad? - How many apples have you had?” - She answered, “Only seven!” - - “And are you sure you took no more, - My little maid?” quoth I. - “Oh! please, sir, mother gave me four, - “But _they_ were in a pie!” - - “If that’s the case,” I stammered out, - “Of course you’ve had eleven”; - The maiden answered with a pout, - “I ain’t had more nor seven!” - - I wondered hugely what she meant, - And said, “I’m bad at riddles, - But I know where little girls are sent - For telling taradiddles. - - “Now, if you don’t reform,” said I, - “You’ll never go to heaven.” - But all in vain; each time I cry, - That little idiot makes reply, - “I ain’t had more nor seven!” - - POSTSCRIPT. - - To borrow Wordsworth’s name was wrong, - Or slightly misapplied; - And so I’d better call my song, - “Lines after Ache-inside.” - - _Fun_, 1865. - -[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS AT THE TITWILLOWS’. - -Mr. Titwillow, having undertaken a comic part, is about to render his -appearance more effective by reddening the tip of his dear little nose. -His wife, mother, and sister, in a passionate appeal to his nobler -feelings, implore him not to desecrate his dignity by such an act. - - [_His bosom friend cynically contemplates the touching family scene._] - - -LYCEUM LYRICS - -(_After Ben Jonson._) - - It is not being underlined, - Six months that leaves the rest behind; - Or standing long a joke that makes us here - Less valued by the public eye and ear. - The “super” in his way - Is happier, so they say, - Although he fights for eighteenpence a night, - Than he who has talents he can’t bring to light; - In small proportions we tragedians see - Who can attain what they would like to be. - -(_After Herrick._) - - Gather your laurels whilst ye may, - The season on is flying, - And make your audience smile to-day, - To-morrow set them crying. - A good tragedian, when there’s one, - Much money may be getting, - But longer dramas have a run - The nearer he’s to fretting. - -(_After Lovelace._) - - Large type does not an actor make, - Nor theatre-walls a cage, - Minds unambitious then may take - The salary they engage. - If I can’t get the parts I love, - At least, let me be free, - Another theatre yet may prove - My right to liberty. - - --_Fun_, 1863. - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: THE POETS’ CORNER - -PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN - -In the act of writing a funny poem, that will make you die of laughing -when you read it. - - [_The enlarged photograph on the wall represents the same party when - not engaged in comic composition._] - - -THE POETS AT PLAY - -[Illustration] - - Addison in his _Papers on Wit_ makes vigorous onslaught against “false - wit.” “The first species of false wit which I have met with is - venerable for its antiquity, and has produced several pieces which - have lived very near as long as the _Iliad_ itself; I mean those short - poems printed among the minor Greek poets, which resemble the figure - of an egg, a pair of wings, an axe, a shepherd’s pipe, and an altar.” - - Further on, he says, referring to these conceits, “the poetry was to - contract or dilate itself according to the mould in which it was cast. - In a word, the verses were to be cramped or extended to the dimensions - of the frame that was prepared for them, and to undergo the fate of - those persons whom the tyrant Procustes used to lodge in his iron bed; - if they were too short he stretched them on a rack; and if they were - too long he chopped off a part of their legs, till they fitted the - couch which he had prepared for them.” - - Most people accept this dictum of Addison as a final pronouncement on - the distinction between true and false wit; but on further - consideration it may be found that “much can be said on the other - side.” Addison asserts that the matter must suffer if it has to be - squeezed into a certain shape. This may be so, but it need not be much - more so in the forming of a pair of wings in verse, than in the - construction of a sonnet. Every sonnet, no matter how inspired, must - follow an artificial measure, every poem, be it never so soulful, must - have a definite number of feet in each of its lines and a preconceived - arrangement; yet, no one advances the opinion that Scott was wasting - his sense of poetry by casting it in the form of octo-syllabic verse, - or that Shakespeare had a difficulty in fitting his thoughts to the - measure of his sonnets or the blank verse of his plays. - -[Illustration: THE POETS ILLUSTRATED. - - 1.--“For, indeed, my father did something smack--.”--MERCHANT OF - VENICE. - - 2.--“Take any shape but that!”--MACBETH. - - 3.--“Light only on the box.”--BRYANT AND MAY. - - 4.--“--sigh to think that he had found - His warmest welcome at an inn.”--SHENSTONE.] - - * * * * * - - The most that can be advanced against those poetic conceits of the - kind condemned by Addison is that they appeal in a greater degree to - the eye than to the ear, and while we may be conscious of their - artificial nature we should also be catholic enough to admit their - ingenuity, and when they are sufficiently amusing to provoke laughter, - or excite a smile, they should not be denied the attributes of wit; - for, after all, when we free ourselves from the suspicion of - affectation, do we not agree that the chief end of wit is to amuse? - -[Illustration: NO! DON’T. (PERIOD 1854.) - -“So they are sending out books to amuse the poor fellows at Scutari--and -very proper. I will send five-and-twenty copies of my last five-act -tragedy of ‘The Roman Grandmother.’”] - - These remarks have been suggested to the writer by his discovering in - one of his old scrap-books a little collection of curiosities of verse - culled in Bookland byways “oompty” years ago. These do not consist of - specimens of the minor Greek poets’ eccentricities, but in every case - they are examples of what Addison would have unhesitatingly catalogued - as “false wit”; and yet, not only are some of them genuinely amusing - and others highly ingenious, but several display a painstaking which - almost amounts to genius--if genius be “the capacity for taking - pains.” - - We can, for example, appreciate the immense industry of the author who - set himself to compose a series, of verses in which the letter “e” - should be entirely omitted, and the painstaking of the author will be - yet further acknowledged when it is known that “e” is the most used - letter in the English alphabet, the relative proportion of its use - being 120 times to j 4, k 8, g 17, and i 40. - - There are two such pieces among the writer’s literary curiosities and - he regards them as, perhaps, the most unique. The first one is as - follows-- - - John Knox was a man of wondrous might, - And his words ran high and shrill, - For bold and stout was his spirit bright, - And strong was his stalwart will. - - Kings sought in vain his mind to chain, - And that giant brain to control, - But naught on plain or stormy main - Could daunt that mighty soul. - - John would sit and sigh till morning cold - Its shining lamp put out, - For thoughts untold on his mind laid hold, - And brought but pain and doubt. - - But light at last on his soul was cast, - Away sank pain and sorrow-- - His soul is gay in a fair to-day - And looks for a bright to-morrow. - - The first word in the second line of the third stanza is evidently a - misprint. “Night’s” is most likely the word used by the author, - meaning that the coming of the morn extinguished the stars-- - - Night’s shining lights put out. - - Here is the other specimen, which is even more ingenious than that - just quoted, each stanza containing every member of the alphabet - except the letter “e”-- - - Bold Nassaw quits his caravan - A hazy mountain grot to scan; - Climbs jaggy rocks to spy his way, - Doth tax his sight, but far doth stray. - - Not work of man nor sport of child - Finds Nassaw in that mazy wild; - Lax grow his joints, limbs toil in vain; - Poor wight, why didst thou quit that plain? - - Vainly for succour Nassaw calls; - Know Zillah that thy Nassaw falls, - But prowling wolf and fox may joy - To quarry on thy Arab boy. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - A happy thought is well worked out in the following quaint little _jeu - d’esprit_ which the writer came across in an old magazine many years - ago. If you read it line after line you will find the author - cheerfully contemplating the prospect of matrimony; but if you only - read each alternate line you will discover him to be a confirmed old - bachelor-- - - I always did intend - To take to me a wife, - Single my life to spend - Would grieve my very life. - - It much delighteth me - To think upon a bride, - To live from woman free - I can’t be satisfied. - - A female, to my mind, - The joy I can’t express, - I ne’er expect to find - So great in singleness. - - A bachelor to live - I never would agree, - My mind I freely give - A married man to be. - - A somewhat common form of poetic conceit is the arranging into one - intelligent poem of lines from a number of well-known poets and thus - forming what may be called a mosaic of verses. I here print one of the - best examples of this kind that I have come across; the author, like - those of the “e”-less verses, is unknown to fame-- - - I only knew she came and went, _Powell._ - Like troutlets in a pool; _Hood._ - She was a phantom of delight, _Wordsworth._ - And I was like a fool. _Eastman._ - - “One kiss, dear maid,” I said, and sighed, _Coleridge._ - Out of those lips unshorn, _Longfellow._ - She shook her ringlets round her head _Stoddard._ - And laughed in merry scorn. _Tennyson._ - - Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky, _Tennyson._ - You heard them, oh, my heart; _Alice Cary._ - ’Tis twelve at night by the castle clock, _Coleridge._ - Beloved, we must part. _Alice Cary._ - - “Come back, come back!” she cried in grief, _Campbell._ - My eyes are dim with tears _Bayard Taylor._ - How shall I live through all the days? _Osgood._ - All through a hundred years? _T. S. Parry._ - - ’Twas in the prime of summer time, _Hood._ - She blessed me with her hand; _Hoyt._ - We strayed together, deeply blest _Edwards._ - Into the dreaming land. _Cornwall._ - - The laughing bridal roses blow, _Patmore._ - To dress her dark-brown hair; _Bayard Taylor._ - My heart is breaking with my woe, _Tennyson._ - Most beautiful! Most rare! _Read._ - - I clasped it on her sweet, cold hand, _Browning._ - The precious golden link! _Smith._ - I calmed her fears, and she was calm, _Coleridge._ - Drink, pretty creature, drink!” _Wordsworth._ - - And so I won my Genevieve, _Coleridge._ - And walked in Paradise; _Hervey._ - The fairest thing that ever grew _Wordsworth._ - Atween me and the skies! _Osgood._ - - The composite poem thus formed may not be praised for beauty of - thought, for absolute sequence of expression; but it is certainly a - most ingenious composition and a monument of literary research. - - The remarkable sibilance of the English language is cleverly - exaggerated in the following lines, which are commended to the - attention of those who lisp-- - - Susanna Snooks sings sad, sweet songs, she sees soft summer skies; - Strange sunset shades sift silently--she somewhat sadly sighs. - Soliloquizingly she strays, sweet songsters shyly sing. - She sees slim spruces’ slanting shades surround some sparkling - spring. - - Still southward silently she strays. She spies shy Simon Slade. - “Stop, Simon!” says Susanna Snooks. Still sifts sweet sunset’s - shade. - Shy Simon six snug satisfying squeezes slyly stole; - Susanna snickered. Simon stayed. Sick, silly, spoony soul! - - Susanna’s sire saw some shy, suspicious stranger stray. - Saw Susan say, “Stop, Simon Slade.” Saw simple Simon stay. - Stern sire sought some solid stick--serenely, slyly slipped. - Susanna saw. She shrilly shrieked, “Skip, Simon!” Simon skipped. - - Needless to say these diverting lines were written and published - originally beyond the westering wave. - -[Illustration: THE POETS ILLUSTRATED. - - 1.--“Dip forward under starry light.”--TENNYSON. - - 2.--“It sounds to him like her mother’s _Weiss_ - Singing----”--LONGFELLOW. - - 3.--“Off with his head.”--CIBBER. - - 4.--“A pouncet box which ever an I anon - He gave his nose, and took’t away again, - ... and still he smiled.”--SHAKESPEARE. - - 5.--“Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark - Our coming, and grow brighter when we come.”--BYRON. - - 6.--“Lightly they’ll speak of the spirit that’s gone.”--WOLFE. - - 7.--“That we may call these delicate creatures ours-- - But not their appetites.”--SHAKESPEARE.] - - -[Illustration: COUNTRY CRITIC (_who the previous evening patronised -“Muggins’ Travelling Theatre”_). They poets just are clever chaps, and -noa mistake! I see a thing last night as I never wishes to see not noa -better. Darned if I doant thin’k that _Mariar Martin, or the Red Baarn_ -arn’t the best play as ever Muster Shakespeare wroat!--(_Period_ -1865.)] - - -MOTLEY’S KINGDOM - -BY BROBERT ROWNING. - - There once was a time, long ago, - When the sages were rulers, you know, - - When men from all parts of the globe - Would seek them, their wisdom to probe, - - And ask their opinion (no counsel’s - Like that which your lawyer in town sells. - - But sapient and noble advice - That now you can get at no price). - - But the sages got terribly pestered, - For those they advised for the best, erred - - In doing their best, then in rages - Laid all of the blame on the sages; - - While now and then one (you ’twas rude’ll - Allow) said each sage was a noodle! - - Meanwhile, no less, morning and night - From all parts of the earth, left and right. - - From north, and from south, east, and west - For advice--_gratis_--all the world prest. - - Said the sages, “We’re too much admired! - Let’s retire.” So the sages retired, - - And then to extremes rushing hotly, - Took cap and bells, bauble, and motley, - - In _that_ disguise guided the throng, - Not by showing the right but the wrong, - - And found to their wonderment great - ’Tis more easy to keep people straight - - By lashing for errors they make - Then showing the right road to take. - - And this, don’t you see, is the way - The whole world is governed to-day. - - Men have long ceased the sages to pester - But bow to the rule of the jester. - - Well--_Ridentem quid dicere verum - Vetat?_--If the people will hear ’um! - - So, there, now my story is done-- - And the moral! Why, that you see’s FUN. - - _Fun_, 1866. - - -AN ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF THE POETS - -[Illustration: “What’s ’A-cuba to him, or he to ’A-cuba?” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Mark’d you her eye?” - - --SHERIDAN.] - - -[Illustration: “Alarms! Excursions! Parties fighting.” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Methinks I scent the morning hair!” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: - - “I waited for the train at Coventry, - I hung with grooms and porters on the bridge.” - - --TENNYSON.] - -[Illustration: “My custom always of an afternoon.” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Say what can Chloe want? She wants a heart.” - - --POPE.] - -[Illustration: - - “Oh! too convincing--dangerous dear-- - In woman’s eye, th’ unanswerable _tear_.” - - --BYRON.] - - -POETS AND THEIR PATRONS - -[Illustration] - - -THE PAST. - -Vast is the difference between the Poets’ Patron of the past and of the -present period. Formerly the noble was the encourager of the lofty -strains of inspiration, but nowadays Moses is the Mæcenas of the Muses. -In times gone by the bard was accustomed to write lays to laud the lazy -lordling, but now he sings pæans to the paletot, and invests the vest -with the graceful trimmings of fancy. - -The poet has turned puffer instead of parasite. Should another Pope -arise, he would sing the praises of another Chesterfield; but instead of -being the Earl of that name, it would be the wrapper he would take for -the subject of his lucubrations. The following is a fair specimen of the -style of thing to which a new Pope would most probably devote his -poetical talents:-- - - -THE PRESENT. - - How happy is the new Mosaic cut! - When Moses opens, let the rest be shut. - Look at the coat! so dashing, yet refined, - In front perfection, and the same behind; - Body and skirt their equal distance keep, - The collar not too narrow, nor too deep; - Grace shines about it with enchanting beams, - And finest workmanship cements the seams. - Taste lurks in every fold, and--Gracious Heaven! - You get the article for two pound seven. - Let others to the western Schneiders fly, - With eastern elegance ’tis vain to vie. - - -[Illustration: MY - -Manuscripts. - -BY - -PHYLLIS TYNE] - - -I. - - A certain dismal desk I own comprises - A literary morgue, a place of tears, - Where manuscripts of divers shapes and sizes - Repose--defiled with dust and canine ears. - They lie, awaiting ultimate cremation, - My slighted bantlings--poor, ill-treated pets! - Embodiments of blighted aspiration - And bitter editorial regrets! - - -II. - - Which tale, which play, which poem is the poorest, - Where all have often been condemned as poor, - Which manuscript the most case-hardened tourist, - Where all have been on many a fruitless tour, - I cannot tell. Yet am I fain to wager - That none have been the cause of so much ire - As this--the stoutest, inkiest old stager, - That, in my heart of hearts, I still admire! - - -III. - - The epics that, by some elusive magic, - Were turned at last to musical burlesques, - The comedies that daily grew more tragic - (Foredoomed to moulder in sepulchral skies); - The bright libretto, worthy of a Gilbert, - That shrunk into one lyric, which describes - What passed between the “Earwig and the Filbert”-- - These and their like I treasure up in tribes! - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - -IV. - - I have composed heroics and didactics, - Completed thrilling dramas by the score, - I have adopted mercenary tactics, - And started lurid serials galore; - But seldom could I pen them as I planned them; - The plays developed strangely, scene by scene, - Till I was forced, at length, to brand them - As feeble skits on what they might have been! - - -V. - - I would not be a virulent detractor - Of all the editors who say me nay, - Of each successful manager and actor - Who has declined (with thanks) my strongest play; - They may be men of taste and erudition, - But, if they understand (and do they not?) - The kind of thing in public requisition, - The public must require the baldest rot? - -[Illustration] - - -VI. - - My manuscripts! before I burn or rend you - (Momentarily penitent and sane), - Methinks I will be rash enough to send you - Upon a _final_ journey once again! - Your mute entreaties give me heart to fight on, - With fixed intent to find the “open door.” - My only difficulty is to light on - Some quarter where you have not been before! - - -VII. - - And what of these supremely dismal verses? - They, too, shall be incontinently hurled-- - Like many of their colour--on the mercies - Of this unkind and unpoetic world. - I will submit them, with a curt epistle, - To some sad editor’s regretful eye, - Sanguine, of course, yet, posting them, I’ll whistle - The strains of “Au revoir, but not good-bye!” - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - -A MAN I HATE - - Of all the bores that, now and then, - Society permits - To talk to literary men, - Or mix among the wits, - The worst are those that _will_ devote - Their little minds to anecdote. - - I’ve sat and listened, I confess, - To fools of many kinds, - Including people who possess - Encyclopædic minds. - But oh! the very worst afloat - Is he who takes to anecdote. - - I like a man who makes a pun - Or else a deep remark; - I like philosophy or fun-- - If only just a spark. - But how I hate the muffs who gloat - Inanely over anecdote. - - I loathe a man who recollects - A little thing he heard; - Then tells a story and expects - A grin at ev’ry word. - For how can any one promote - Your liveliness by anecdote? - - Oh, no! I’d rather live alone - Upon a desert isle, - With not a voice, except my own, - To cheer me all the while, - Than talk to men who learn by rote - Their paltry funds of anecdote! - - _Fun_, 1866. - - - - -[Illustration: MAINLY ABOUT AUTHORS - -WOULD-BE NOVELIST (_writes_). Even as he read the letter, De Brooke’s -face blanched. The dreaded blow had fallen! The estate would never be -his--and he must be content with a mere existence on a paltry nine -hundred a year.] - - -[Illustration: LADY AUDLEY’S SECRET] - - -A WHITCOMB RILEY STORY - - On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp autumn morning, - Mr. James Whitcomb Riley, the celebrated “Hoosier” poet of America, - who is almost as well known in England, met an unusually large number - of acquaintances who commented conventionally upon the fine weather. - This unremitting applause amused him. When greeted at the office with - “Nice day, Mr. Riley,” he smiled broadly. - - “Yes,” he agreed. “Yes, I’ve heard it very highly spoken of.” - - -MARK TWAIN AND THE KEY - - “Once when I was going out to visit some friends,” Mark Twain is - alleged to have said, in relating this one of the innumerable “yarns” - fathered on him, “I told George, my negro servant, to lock the house - and put the key under a certain stone near the steps. He agreed to do - so. - - “It was late at night when I returned. I went to the stone under which - the key was supposed to have been hidden. It was gone. I hunted around - the premises for about fifteen minutes, but still no key. - - “Finally I went to George’s house--he lived outside--and rapped, - vigorously upon the door. A black head, which I had no difficulty in - recognizing as George’s, popped out of an upstairs window. - - “‘Where did you put that key, you black rascal?’ I roared. - - “‘Oh, massa,’ answered George, ‘I found a better place for it.’” - -[Illustration: DESCEND, YE NINE.] - -[Illustration: PERFECT SINCERITY, OR, THINKINGS ALOUD. - -GENIUS. By the way, did you glance over that article of mine on “The -Intellect of Woman, and her Social Position?” I don’t care twopence -about your opinion; only, if you can say something favourable, of course -I shall be pleased. - -COMMON SENSE. Why, I tried to get through it, but upon my life, I found -it such contemptible rubbish, that I couldn’t get on; and, to tell you -the truth, I think that a snug little thing in the cheese-mongering line -would be more in your way than literature. - -GENIUS. Ah, you must be a fool!] - -[Illustration: HISTORY--THE ANCIENT BRITONS. - -EMILY (_reads_). In the summer they were naked, and instead of clothes -they put paint upon their bodies. They were fond of a fine blue colour, -which they made of a plant called woad, which they found in their woods. -They squeezed out the juice of the woad, and then stained themselves all -over with it, so that in summer they looked as if they were dressed in -tight blue clothes. - -ARTHUR. And did they walk in the park and go to church so?] - -[Illustration: A RURAL STUDY. - -BURLESQUE-WRITER FORCING PUNS.] - -[Illustration: GENIUS. Ha! I may be unrecognized, my dear, but I’ll have -my revenge on posterity. When the great cypher work is dug out of the -Thames it will show that everything Meredith, Hardy, Kipling and Marie -Corelli ever wrote was _mine_--_mine!_] - - -HUMOURS OF THE PRINTING-HOUSE - - The printing-house is notoriously the place for fun. Every shop has - its selection of funny men who are ever ready to co-operate with the - “devils” in manufacturing mirth. And there are always the “fossils,” - who afford many an opportunity for a hearty laugh at them, if not with - them. Often have I been amused with, the idiosyncrasies of these - typographical gray beards; their chief charm being their colossal - assurance as to their invariably being right, and everybody else, who - presumes to differ from them, wrong. I recollect one of these ancient - typesetters (an old Scotsman) who used to be the butt of countless - jokes in the shop where he toiled so patiently. On one occasion he set - up an article from my pen, beginning, “Long before the introduction of - Pears’ Soap”; and I am bothered if he didn’t turn the last two words - into “Pea Soup!” But the real fun of the matter was, that on his - mistake being pointed out, he blandly suggested our letting the words - appear as he had set them--“it wid dae jist as weel!” - - The printer does not seem to be deeply concerned about his future, - indeed, he has many a gay dig at that grave subject; as, for - instance-- - - Old Lucifer, both kind and civil. - To every printer lends a devil; - But, balancing accounts each winter, - For every devil takes a printer. - -[Illustration: AUTHOR’S MISERIES. - -Having corresponded with Miss Rudge, the gifted poetess (authoress of -“Floranthe,” “The Lovelock of Montrose,” “Moans of the Heartstrings,” -etc.), and exchanged portraits and your own poems with her, you meet at -last. - -You are disappointed in her appearance and find her about forty years -older than her picture; perhaps you, too, have grown rather fat and -seedy since yours was taken twenty years ago.] - - The printer’s “devil,” by the way, is a queer fish, and there is a - story about a certain metropolitan imp that fits any of the little - sinners to a T. This particular youngster had just received his week’s - wages, eleven shillings, when he was heard to soliloquize in these - terms--“Let me see. I’ll go the Coliseum to-night, that’s a shilling; - supper with bottled beer, that’s eighteenpence; ’baccy for the week, a - shilling; beer ditto, two shillings; theatre one night next week, - that’s one-and-six, and supper, one-and-six; and I’ll buy that swell - walking stick, and that’ll just leave sixpence to take home to mother - towards my week’s board.” He must have been a regular bad ’un, that. - - Another favourite medium of printing-house fun is found in adapting - Gilbert’s famous line and mourning that a “printer’s lot is not a - happy one,” or magnifying the annoyances from authors and editors with - which printers have to put up. In this connexion we find one printer - relieving his troubled soul thus-- - - Working for forty editors and scores of authors, every one of whom is - as sensitive as a sore thumb, and as lively and interesting as a - hornet, no wonder that printers die young, and only pachydermatus, - grizzly, mulish specimens get their share of life. The writer wishes - he could offer himself as an awful example of the perils which environ - a man who meddles with cold type. A thoroughly trained printer should - have had a stepmother, and then a stepfather, and then have been bound - out to a tanner, and then have married a scolding wife, and lived in a - smoky house, and have had a family of babies who were afflicted with - colic. He should have added to all this discipline a thorough - knowledge of science, art, law, language, theology, history and - biography. If, in addition, he has a vicious looking countenance and - an amiable disposition, he may stand some chance with these authors - and editors ; but the probabilities are, after all, that they will - worry him to death. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -As you are labouring on your great work (in a style, let us add, equal -to the subject), Lady Anna Maria Tomnoddy’s compliments arrive, and she -requests you will cast your eye over the accompanying manuscript in six -volumes, “The Mysteries of Mayfair,” correct the errors, if any, and -find a publisher for the same. - -N.B.--You have in your bookcase Captain Bangle’s “Buffaloes and Banyan -Trees,” in MS.; the Rev. Mr. Growl’s “Sermons to a Congregation at -Swansea,” ditto ditto; Miss Piminy’s “Wildflower Coronal, a Wreath of -Village Poesy”; and Mr. Clapperton’s six manuscript tragedies; of all of -which you are requested to give your opinion.] - - Then there is a certain freedom about printers’ humour which we don’t - find elsewhere, save among editors: but printers, like editors, have - ever been privileged individuals, and we are told that when the - recording angel observes a printer hold a bit of bent brass rule - between his fingers, while he misses it with a hammer, the trustworthy - scribe drops into a brown study, and pretends not to hear anything. - Nor is it logical to assume that a printer is a saint because he sets - up a hymn-book. You might as well regard an editor as a fool because - you didn’t exactly agree with what was in his paper. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -Perhaps you flatter yourself that you have made an impression on Miss -Flannigan (at Worthing), and you find her asleep over your favourite -book.] - - Illustrative of this there is an excellent anecdote told by the late - Max O’Rell in his book, _A Frenchman in America_. - - A former proprietor of the _New York Times and Post_ was wont every - morning to select a text from the Bible to be printed above the - leader. One morning, by some mischance, the text got lost, and Max - tells us that the comps might have been heard asking in pretty loud - stage whispers, “If anybody knew where that d---- text was?” - - Perhaps the wit of the compositor is most amusing when it appeals to - the eye. That is, when he gives rein to his fancy, and uses his types - for suggesting witty ideas. Here is a very happy illustration of this - kind of fun-- - - “T_T_h_h_e_e_ c_c_o_o_m_m_p_p_o_o_s_s_i_i_t_t_o_o_r_r_ w_w_h_h_o_o_ - s_s_e_e_t_t_ t_t_h_h_i_i_s_s_ p_p_a_a_r_r_. h_h_a_a_s_s_ h_h_a_a_d_d_ - e_e_x_x_a_a_c_c_t_t_l_l_y_y_ a_a_ g_g_l_l_a_a_s_s_s_s_ a_a_n_n_d_d_ - a_a_ h_h_a_a_l_l_f_f_ t_t_o_o_o_o_ m_m_u_u_c_c_h_h_ a_a_n_n_d_d_ - t_t_h_h_i_i_s_s_ i_i_s_s_ p_p_r_r_e_e_c_c_i_i_s_s_e_e_l_l_y_y_ - w_w_h_h_a_a_t_t_ h_h_e_e_ f_f_e_e_e_e_l_l_s_s_ l_l_i_i_k_k_e_e._” - - Yes, that compositor may only have had “a glass and a-half too much,” - but the typo who is supposed to have set up the appended advertisement - has manifestly indulged to even a greater extent-- - - £ DOGSH LOSHT! - Reward Five Shtrayed or Shtolen, - BANDY COLOURED LIVER LEGGED DOG - Had on Collar Marked “Rover,” - Answers to name of C.B., Esq. - Whoever bringsh 5£ receive dogsh reward. No - furtherdogsh will be offered. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -As you are conducting Lady Gotobed to her carriage from Lady Highjink’s -“noble party,” and fancying yourself a man of fashion, you hear the -servants in the hall saying one to another, “that’s him--that’s -Poonch!”] - - American printers are much given to these diverting devices, and in - the following instance we have a number of papers vieing with one - another in extracting fun from the technical terms for the various - signs and punctuations-- - - “If brevity is the soul of wit, how is this for a funny ¶?--‘Wheeling - Journal.’ It is without a ‖.--‘New York Enterprise.’ Did you expect - anybody to “ ” that?--‘Philadelphia Sunday Mirror.’ Those are the - worst jokes of the .--‘Washington Critic.’ My * * *, you’re pointed as - a †, aren’t you?--‘Burlington Enterprise.’ We ⏞ the opportunity to say - these are ,cal???you fellows pro£.--‘Gold.’ Well, they afford a $ous - sort of amusement at best and ---- our spirits greatly.--‘New York - “L.” R. Journal.’” - - Here is another of the same, as they say about the Psalms of David-- - - “A company of printers from Constantinople have joined the Turkish - army. They ought to be good at a — at the enemy in the :ized region of - Bulgaria. It is surprising that they should be so foolish * their - lives where shot and shell may put an untimely . to their existence. - Let them ⏞ the first opportunity 2 , way from that § where the - murderous work of †† is un‖ed, and may the ☞ of Providence guide them - to a latitude where they may live with a greater ° of safety.” - -[Illustration: - - _______ - { } - { @ | @ } - { ^ } - ( \_/ ) - ( - ) - -The man who likes a joke.] - -[Illustration: - - _______ - { } - { @ | @ } - { ^ } - ( /⏠\ ) - ( - ) - -The man who doesn’t.] - - The printer can also make fun with a few brackets and other - typographical oddments, as shown above. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -_Old Gentleman._ _Miss Wiggets._ _Two Authors._ - -OLD GENTLEMAN. I am sorry to see you occupied, my dear Miss Wiggets, -with that trivial paper _Punch_. A railway is not a place, in my -opinion, for jokes. I never joke--never. - -MISS W. So I should think, sir. - -OLD GENTLEMAN. And besides, are you aware who are the conductors of that -paper, and that they are Chartists, Deists, Atheists, Anarchists, and -Socialists, to a man? I have it from the best authority, that they meet -together once a week in a tavern in Saint Giles’s, where they concoct -their infamous print. The chief part of their income is derived from -threatening letters which they send to the nobility and gentry. The -principal writer is a returned convict. Two have been tried at the Old -Bailey; and their artist--as for their artist.... - -GUARD. Swin-dun! Sta-tion! - - [_Exeunt two Authors._] - - In taking leave of this very entertaining subject one cannot do better - than quote a printer’s “little joke,” which is at once - mirth-provoking, and eminently suited as a “tail-piece” for this - paper-- - - “Full many a man, who now doth cheat the printer, - Will waste his voice upon the heated air, - And vainly sigh for cooling breeze of winter - When he is punished for his sins down there.” - -☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -The printer’s boy is sitting in the hall; the editor has written to say -that your last contributions are not up to the mark, and that you must -be more funny, if you please. Mr. Snip, the tailor, has called again -that morning; you have a splitting headache, from a transaction -over-night, and as you are writing an exceedingly light and humorous -article, your dear Anna-Maria wishes to know how you _dare_ dine at -Greenwich, and with whom you dined? - -I suppose she found the bill in your coat-pocket. How changed Anna-Maria -is from what she was when you married her! and how uncommonly -ill-tempered she has grown! - -_Mr. Tims and a Good-natured Friend._ - -G.-N. F. Have you read the _Macadamiser_, Tims? - -T. Hem! no. _Do_ people read the _Macadamiser_? - -G.-N. F. He, he! I say, Tims, there’s a most unjustifiable attack upon -you in it. Look here. (_He kindly takes out the “Macadamiser.”_) - -T. (_reads_). “This person is before us again. He is ignorant, vulgar, -and a Cockney. He is one of that most contemptible race of men, a -professional buffoon. He is,” etc., etc. (_Tims reads ad libitum._) -Thank you, my dear fellow; it was uncommonly good-natured of you to -bring the critique.] - -[Illustration] - - -HARRIS-ING REFLECTIONS - -_Written after a Visit to the Olympic._ - - O Sairey Gamp! oh, Sairey Gamp! Of honest people of your stamp, - ma’am, - To find a score or even more--the Cynic would not need his lamp, - ma’am! - For far and wide on ev’ry side there quite as many, I’m afraid, are - As on each hedge, so folks allege, the plenteous blackberries - displayed are. - Just gaze around--what lots are found, of “honest men” (in common - diction) - Whose honour, sense, or wealth immense has no existence but in - fiction. - Oh, there be few who never knew the great promoters and projectors - Who when they blow a bubble “Co.” obtain from fancy their directors. - And there’s a host of men that boast how many lords as friends they - gaze on, - Whose arms no work compiled by Burke was ever called upon to blazon. - How many too from far Peru to China quote their travels daring, - And still, I ween, have never been ten miles beyond the Cross of - Charing! - Why scores, I know, the world’s Great Show declare they saw last - year at Paris, - Yet saw no more the Gallic shore than you set eyes on Mrs. Harris! - - In piteous tones will Mrs. Jones of “better days” and “losses” - gibber, - Yet has she ne’er, as I can swear, had anything to lose--the fibber! - There’s Figgs will plead for cash--his need to meet a bill of large - amount is-- - But that same bill, assert I will, drawn on imagination’s fount is! - Just ask your friend Tom Browne to lend you twenty pounds--or make - it fifty; - He blames his fate, “you’re just too late--in fact he must himself - be thrifty, - Confound! and dash! last week all cash available in funds invested!” - Those funds, I guess, would nothing less than fancy stocks turn out - if tested. - There’s Major Jaw who service saw the great Peninsular campaign in-- - Yet ne’er was there! His martial air was built some French - _château_-in-Spain in? - There’s Bragg whose name all lists proclaim, which tell the world - how many guineas - A B and C, with D and E, subscribe when sought a lot of tin is - To whitewash blacks, or scatter “tracks”--for Charity! Yet gentle - Charis - I fear you’ll find for men so blind no more exists than Mrs. Harris! - -[Illustration] - - Oh, Sairey Gamp, oh Sairey Gamp! This world “a wale,” oh Sairey - Gamp, is! - And now and then the best of men (like Pecksniff) but a sorry scamp - is. - I’ve, on my word, a sermon heard so clever I should like to quote - it-- - - Denouncing shams, and bams, and crams--yet he who preached it never - wrote it! - I feel remorse that fine discourse to fix a qualifying term on - But am compelled to own I held it Mrs. H.’s funeral sermon. - I’ve known also, a medico experiment where sickness floored him, - And try to kill his patient till kind nature stepping in restored - him! - Well, thereupon our doctor shone with conscious skill and - self-laudation, - As if he’d not his wisdom got from Mrs. H.--in consultation! - And eke in Law you’ll find the flaw Divinity and Physic suffer, - Some juniors drag a heavy bag, but every paper there’s a duffer. - Mere empty show--it’s wrong you know--a swindle! And yet many a - barris- - Ter’s earliest brief, I own with grief, has been “the case of Mrs. - Harris.” - - _Fun_, 1868. - -[Illustration: “Is this a libery?” - -“Yes.” - -“Then let me have the last number of _Hemily Fitz-Hosborn_.”] - - - - -[Illustration: THE EDITOR IN HIS DEN - -THE EDITOR AT HOME. - -MARY. Please, sir, I’ve been looking everywhere for the third volume of -that book you was reading. - -LODGER. Oh, I took it back to the library this morning. I---- - -MARY. Oh! then will you tell me, sir, if as how the “Markis” found out -as she’d pisoned ’er two fust ’usbands?] - - -HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING - - America is the fatherland of Modern Advertising, and Cousin Jonathan’s - inherent taste for fun and unconventionality has led him to adopt - striking and often humorous methods of appeal. Thus the Washington - hotel-keeper who issued a glowing announcement of the attractions of - his establishment would certainly lose nothing when he humorously - added to his advertisement in a Chicago paper: “Clergymen find this - the best place for rest, as book agents cannot climb the hill.” - - An enterprising Yankee who runs a hotel at Minnetonka, rejoicing in - the somewhat ominous name of _Mosquitos Rest_, sends forth an - announcement remarkable for the manner in which it mixes the sublime - with the commonplace. Here is a literal extract-- - - Delightful scenery. Clam bakes and ox tail soup every morning for - breakfast. No cyclones allowed to register. Dogs, children, and other - pets not allowed on the grass. Rates range from 3 dols. per day to 21 - dols. per week. Excursions to Pike’s Peak every afternoon. Newspaper - publishers can all pay their board by promising to give us a write-up - when they get home. All kinds of baths on draft. - - Perhaps the most amusing descent from the sublime is to be found in - the advertisement of the proprietor of a building site in Wisconsin, - who offered his land for sale in these terms-- - - The town of Poggis and surrounding country is the most beautiful which - nature ever made. The scenery is celestial--divine; also two waggons - to sell, and a yoke of steers. - - A Pennsylvania clergyman who was evidently a bit of a humorist, and - was anxious to earn an honest penny outside of his own slender salary, - once advertised thus-- - - Cupid and Hymen. The little brown cottage at Cambridge, Pa., is the - place to call and have the marriage knot promptly and strongly tied. - Inquire of Rev. S. S. Whitcomb. - - What benedict could resist an invitation so gracefully given? - -[Illustration: ROMANCE OF ADVERTISING. - -“I wish, mister, you’d be so good as to stop the Press and put this in a -good place (_reads_): ’Hemily. Don’t delay, but return to yer -broken-arted Adolphus, or there’s no knowing what may be the -consequence!!!’”] - - It would be difficult to surpass the grim humour of the Pine Tree - State gravestone cutter who notified the public as follows--“Such as - buy tombstones of us look with pride and satisfaction upon the graves - of their friends.” The announcement of an Illinois undertaker, - however, runs it pretty close. Here it is--“An elegant stock of neat - and nobby shrouds, warranted to give satisfaction to the most - particular.” - - The column in American papers devoted to “Wants” frequently affords - its readers some amusement, either through the eccentricity of the - advertiser or on account of some printer’s error. To the former cause, - we have to ascribe the appended notice from a Kansas paper-- - - Wanted an old man of cranky disposition, who will stand no - bull-dozing, to work from 3 to 7 p.m.; good salary and light work. - Address “Crank.” - - Let’s hope this plain-spoken advertiser met with the desirable - un-bull-dozable individual he wanted, and that the firm who inserted - the following in a southern paper were likewise successful in their - quest for a young man of the same kidney-- - -[Illustration: ARTIST POET. Yes, I consider that to be one of my most -brilliant effects. It is entitled “Pirates surprised at sunset.” - -EDITOR. Great Scott! Poor fellows, I don’t wonder they were surprised at -it!] - - We desire an able-bodied, hard-featured, bad-tempered, - not-to-be-put-off and not-to-be-backed-down young man, to collect for - us; must furnish his own horse, saddle-bags, pistols, bowie knife and - cowhide. We will furnish the accounts. To such a person we promise - constant and laborious employment. - -As to humour arising from printers’ errors, a whole volume of such -amusing blunders might be collected, and the difficulty is to submit one -or two of the most mirth-provoking specimens. For instance, a Boston -clergyman asks for “a young man to take care of a span of horses of a -religious turn of mind,” while another person desires “a nurse in a -small gentleman’s family,” and a Texas man applies for a “Boss hand over -5,000 sheep that can speak Spanish fluently.” In our home papers, too, -there are many such mirthful mistakes. For example, a notice in a Welsh -paper would lead one to believe the advertiser had reached the height of -“general utility,” and might be used for sleeping in, for packing in, -for hammering about, or for storing goods in, and that he had been -accustomed to that for seventeen years! Look you now-- - - Man seeks situation as bedstead, box, packing case, rough carpentry, - or warehouse; 17 years’ character. - -Apropos of American advertising, two amusing instances of unexpected -effects are worth recording. It was a Cincinnati firm who a few years -ago sent out a corps of artists who decorated all available dead walls -with the legend-- - - +----------------------------+ - | USE DR. BROWN’S AGUE CURE. | - +----------------------------+ - -A few weeks later another band of paint-brush wielders struck the trail -of Dr. Brown’s advertisers, and as the result the rural population was -thus advised-- - - +----------------------------+ - | TAKE SMITH’S SARSAPARILLA, | - | AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO | - | USE DR. BROWN’S AGUE CURE. | - +----------------------------+ - -[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT-- - -OLIVER TWIST.] - -It was in Baltimore where the town was liberally supplied with -imperative commands to “Take Ayer’ Pills!” One of these notices was -inscribed on the rail of a board fence immediately underneath which some -zealous colporteur had appropriated a rail for the admonition, “Prepare -to meet your God!” A wag, taking advantage of the situation, connected -the two inscriptions with a conspicuous “_and_,” and thus left them. - -The Jap, a slavish imitator of Western customs, has adopted the methods -of Western advertisement, although his knowledge of the English -language leaves something to be desired. The following is an extract -from an announcement of a certain teeth powder sweetly named -“Naniwakusurihamigaki,” which appeared in an Anglo-Japanese -periodical--“This Teeth Powder is not common thing, as be selled in the -world, it is powerful to hold the health of teeth, and recover the teeth -from its sick. If you only examine you should find that I never tell a -lie.” - -[Illustration: A FACT! - -_Little Quiller has a great idea of the dignity of literature as a -profession, as also of its professors generally--Quiller particularly. -He has submitted a large parcel of MS. to a publisher for approval, and -calls to ascertain the result._ - -PUBLISHER (_loq._). Hoh! Mr. Quiller? Yes, sir, I’ve not read your -stuff, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do; I’ll take it on spec, and toss -you--sudden death--ten bob or nothin’ for it! - - [_Poor little Quiller_] - - Indian native journals published in what is alleged to be English, but - what is better described as “Baboo,” also afford many examples of the - humours of advertising. Let us take one specimen which appeared in the - original surmounted with the Royal Arms-- - - I the undersigned obedient monk and Tomb’s slave of Khaja Mainudin - Chishti emporor of India inhabitant of Ajmere most humbly beg to every - one gentleman, that if anybody might be suffering with demon, fairy, - magic and fury, from any long time, or any sort of patient, who cannot - be cure by any sort of medical treatment, they should attend at Mote - Bazar in Memon Kader Fakir Mohomed’s house No. 383 from 6 to 12 a.m. - and 3 to 5 p.m. all the abovementioned patients will be cure by - pronouncing some words and blowing upon water, spiting and amulet, by - the grace of the Almighty Creator. - - If anybody is suffering with weakness and privacy in eyes, they will - be cure by the medicine. - - If anybody wishes to take examination for the above mentioned - questions, the undersigned can answer for his any question very easily - and several times the undersigned was made contrast with great - enchanter in Calcutta at Kalighat and in Malbar, but by the grace of - God Kaja saket the undersigned has been successful upon them. - - Some days ago the undersigned was in Calcutta, and he cure there lots - of patients by the grace of God, which was related by the Calcutta - Newspapers, hoping several gentlemen might be known by reading the - Calcutta newspapers, and the late Governor General Lord Ripon were - very kind on the undersigned on account of above mentioned abilities, - and many times I had been visited with them in Calcutta and Shamla, - and surely nobody will return hopeless from the door of Khaja Mainudin - Chishti emporor of India by the grace of God. - - The following notice appended for the benefit of local English - residents to the announcement of a masked ball at Lorenço Marques, - also deserves a place among these specimens of the Humours of - Advertising-- - - A great Mascared Ball! - it will take place at Ultramarino Hotel in the 16th of instant - all the mascareds must be in respectible conditions - Mascareds witt religions or politic dresses are not allone - The tikets can be obtaine at Messrs. Rodrigues & Cunha and alco - in the same Evening at the Ultramarino Hotel - Price of the tikets 4/6. Free for the mascared ladies. - Let us go to the Ball. - -[Illustration: Locke on the Human Understanding.] - - A glance at the business life of the far East shows us that out there - Western customs are steadily gaining ground, although in that queer - land of China nothing appears to be new, for long, long ago they - advertised their shops with sign-boards inscribed after this - fashion--“Shop of Heaven-sent Luck,” “The Shop of Celestial - Principles,” “The Nine Felicities Prolonged,” “Mutton Shop of Morning - Twilight,” “The Ten Virtues all Complete.” Here you have poetry and - business combined, while in “The Honest Pen Shop of Li,” you have a - guarantee that your pens will follow the best policy, although the - shopman’s name is just a wee bit suspicious. John Chinaman shows his - love of contrariness surely when he advertises a charcoal shop as the - “Fountain of Beauty,” a coal depôt as “Heavenly Embroidery,” or an oil - and wine establishment as the “Neighbourhood of Chief Beauty,” and we - can easily imagine the fiendish chuckle with which the proprietor of - an opium divan advertised his shop as “The Thrice Righteous.” - - -THE JOURNALISTIC INSTINCT. - - “I have just been having a chat with young Jones. Smart young chap, he - seems, but very unlucky. He’s on the Press, I understand.” - - “Yes; he tries to squeeze a loan out of everybody he meets.” - -[Illustration: Burton on Melancholy.] - -[Illustration: Securing a friend in the Press.] - -[Illustration: Jonathan Wild.] - - -APPROVED BY THE EDITOR - - Wishing to get from Chicago to Memphis, a young newspaper man - purchased a “mileage” book from a “ticket scalper”--or illegal dealer - in unfinished mileage tickets. The book had been the property of a - reporter for the _Louisville Courier-Journal_, and the description in - the cover was alarmingly different from his own. The sharp-eyed - conductor immediately noticed this. - - “Are you on the _Courier-Journal_?” he asked suspiciously. - - “Oh, yes. I’ve been a reporter there for several years.” - - The conductor asked for some identification, which naturally the - passenger was unable to give. - - “I have it,” said the conductor, suddenly remembering. “It just - happens that Henry Watterson, Editor of the _Courier-Journal_, is on - the Pullman ahead. If you’re all right he ought to be able to identify - you.” - - At this the young man all but collapsed. However, there was nothing to - it but to take a chance. When they found Henry Watterson the conductor - handed out the mileage book, and, pointing to the young man, asked if - he was a reporter on the _Courier-Journal_. - - “Yes, indeed,” was the quick reply. “He is one of our best men. How - are you, Robert?” - - Breathing a prayer of thanks, the young man returned to his seat and - resumed his journey without further trouble. Next morning, in the - dining wagon, he saw his friend and timidly approached him. - - “Colonel Watterson,” he said fervently, “I can’t tell you how grateful - I am for what you did for me yesterday. I----” - - “Tut, tut. Don’t mention it,” returned his benefactor. “You did every - bit as much for me. I’m not Henry Watterson. I’m just travelling on - his pass.” - - _Everybody’s Magazine_ (U.S.A.). - - -RULES FOR NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENTS - - Supposing you wish to contribute to a public charity, send your money - to the Editor of a newspaper. He must acknowledge the receipt of it, - and so you get your name and benevolence advertised in the best part - of the paper for nothing. - - 2. Another good method, if you are fond of appearing before the - public, is to request the Editor to state that “the Richard Jones who, - in our police report of yesterday, was sentenced to Bridewell for - shoplifting, is not the Mr. Richard Jones, the respected chiropædist - of Sackville Street.” - - 3. If you are writing to a political newspaper, never mind about - writing on the two sides of the paper, as, depend upon it, it will be - a recommendation in your favour if the Editor sees you can write well - on _both sides_. - - 4. You need not be particular about writing legibly, as it stands to - reason, if the Editor cannot read your letter, that you will be spared - the mortification of reading in the next day’s Notices to - Correspondents, that “Philo-Justitiæ is an ass.” - - 5. It is usual in sending a statement, which impugns the character of - another person, to send your name and address with it; but, as in - matters of libel this is a very troublesome as well as a very - expensive plan, it is better to send anybody else’s card rather than - your own. By this means you avoid publicity, and have the double - gratification of annoying two persons at once. - - 6. Inserting your death one day, and contradicting it the next, is - another very cheap plan of advertising in a newspaper. Besides, you - have the advantage of learning in your lifetime what your friends - think of you after your death. This plan, however, will only answer - once. - - 7. It is better, perhaps, not to send any poetry to a newspaper. We - never recollect an instance of the _Times_ inserting “A Sonnet to a - Sow,” or “Lines to my Mary.” - - 8. Be careful of quotations, especially in a foreign language. If an - editor knows his own language well, it is as much as you have a right - to expect of him. - - 9. Never send anything to a newspaper “to be continued,” unless it is - a legacy or a dozen of port. - - 10. Never trouble yourself in calling to see the Editor of a - newspaper. It is a strange circumstance, but you might call a hundred - times and always find him “out.” - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration: A NEW READING. - -_Dedicated to the Publishers of Shilling Shakespeares._ - - “And when the fit was on him, I did mark----”--_Julius Cæsar_, Act i. - Sc. i.] - - -LITERARY FLUNKEYISM - -We sink in our own estimation as we sit down to write; we blush -involuntarily, although we are in the deepest solitude; we look at our -arm, in dread lest we should find a napkin hanging on it, in true -waiterish attitude; we rush to the glass to ascertain whether our neck -is encompassed by the conventional little white tie; and we have to look -around us. No wonder! For just look here! Did audacity ever go so far? -Was impertinence ever so consummate? - - A gentleman, disengaged after six p.m., requires evening employment, - in any capacity not menial. Good correspondent and accountant, - draughtsman and composer. Would undertake London correspondence of a - country paper, write critiques, etc. Terms moderate.--Address, W., - etc. - -A “gentleman” who wants employment “in any capacity not _menial_,” -“would undertake London correspondence of a country paper, write -critiques,” etc. Obviously the advertiser considers literature something -a little above the work of a menial. We are, of course, obliged for this -admission. Nevertheless, we confess the above advertisement has given us -some doubts as to whether we shan’t find Jeames, with his fine leg, on -Grub-street pavement one of these days. We would advise “W.” to go to a -Dutchman, who advertises that he can supply “literary hacks”; the -literary livery stables are situated somewhere up in Bloomsbury; and, no -doubt, for a small sum he may be groomed down any time after six, and, -with the help of a farthing rushlight in a dark lantern, find his way up -Parnassus. We can tell him, however, that it would be advisable to avoid -the Temple of FUN, as individuals similarly constituted to himself have -before now been severely kicked, as a reward for their audacity, in that -neighbourhood. - - _Fun_, 1863. - - - - -[Illustration: STUDIES FROM THE STUDY - -FIRST STUDENT. Just my luck! I wired to the governor to send me £5 for -some books. - -SECOND STUDENT. He refused? - -FIRST STUDENT. No, he’s sent the books.] - -[Illustration: RETURNED--WITH THANKS. - -“If you please, sir, master’s sent back the first volume, and he says, -will you be so good as to let him ’ave the second?”] - - -HUMOURS OF OUR LANGUAGE - -(OR, MORE “POETS AT PLAY.”) - - The anomalies of English spelling and pronunciation have many a time - served our humorous writers with capital material for their rhymes. - The following is one of the cleverest of the kind referred to:-- - - As a farmer was going to plough, - He met a man driving a cough, - They had words which led to a rough, - And the farmer was struck on his brough. - - One day when the weather was rough, - An old lady went out for some snough, - Which she thoughtlessly placed in her mough, - And it got scattered all over her cough. - - While a baker was kneading his dough, - A weight fell down on his tough, - When he suddenly exclaimed ough! - Because it had hurt him sough. - - There was a hole in a hedge to get through, - It was made by no one knew whough; - In getting through a boy lost his shough, - And was quite at a loss what to dough. - - A poor old man had a bad cough, - To a doctor he straight went ough, - The doctor did nothing but scough, - And said ’twas all fancy, his cough. - -[Illustration: A QUEER CUT. - -Well! Perhaps Messrs. Quarto, Canto, and Sons, the well known -publishers, have some right to complain of the artist who sent in this -as one of the illustrations for their forthcoming edition of _Byron_. -The artist says it illustrates the line: - -“Whacks to receive, and marble to retain.” - - _Beppo_, stanza xxxiv.] - - Alliteration has long been a favourite target for the arrows of wits, - though most of them are forced to acknowledge its “artful aid.” It - requires a very considerable command of the English language, however, - before a rhymester can concoct five quatrains in which every word - commences with the same letter. This is the diverting composition - here referred to; it is supposed to be a serenade sung by Major - Marmaduke Muttonhead to Mademoiselle Madeline Mendoza Marriott-- - - My Madeline! My Madeline! - Mark my melodious midnight moans, - Much may my melting music mean, - My modulated monotones. - - My mandoline’s mild minstrelsy, - My mental music magazine, - My mouth, my mind, my memory, - Must mingling murmur “Madeline.” - - Mankind’s malevolence may make - Much melancholy music mine; - Many my motives may mistake, - My modest meritings malign. - - Match-making mothers machinate, - Manœuvring misses me misween; - Mere money may make many mate, - My magic motto’s “Madeline.” - - Melt most mellifluous melody - ’Midst Murcia’s misty mounts marine, - Meet me by moonlight--marry me, - Madonna mia--Madeline. - -[Illustration: THE PURSUIT OF LETTERS.] - -[Illustration: THE GRAND MARCH OF INTELLECT.] - -[Illustration: LIBRARIAN. You asked to see the catalogue of the letter -P, sir? I’m sorry it’s not yet completed, sir, but I’ve brought you all -there is, as far as it goes. - -Depend upon it, the Catalogue of the British Museum is not a work for -one time, but for all ages!] - - The following is another and more varied example of alliteration - wilfully overdone-- - - With a splitter, splatter, splutter - And a gurgling in the gutter. - And a tinkle, tankle, tunkle on the shingle and the pane. - With a misty, murky mizziness, - Settling down to steady business, - Comes the dreary, drowsy, drooling of the dripping, dropping rain. - - With a sizzle, sozzle, suzzle, - Buttoned upward to the muzzle, - The weary waiting walker drags his rubbers from the mud: - While the dizzy, dodging, dancing, - Of the umber-ella prancing, - Drives a man to lurid longings for some other fellow’s blood. - - Oh, the breezy brooks may babble. - And the gentle poet dabble - In his veering vernal verses and fond memories they bring; - But no earthly rhyme or reason - Makes believe in such a season - That this wishy-washy weather is a cloudy ghost of spring. - -[Illustration: THE AGE OF INTELLECT.] - - These specimens may not be the best that can be quoted; I do not - suppose they are, and should indeed be audacious were I to submit them - as such. Addison’s assertion as to false wit will, no doubt, stand as - firm as ever in the minds of most people after reading these notes on - “The Poets at Play.” All that has been here attempted, and thus much - perhaps the indulgent reader will grant, has been to show that there - may be found in what the famous essayist would have us condemn as - unworthy many characteristics of wit, humour, and ingenuity; and not - only these, but examples of the patience and painstaking which are - near allied to “genius.” - -[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE--IRRITABLE GENTLEMAN DISTURBED BY A -BLUEBOTTLE.] - - -MORE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING - - Perhaps the Americans are ahead of us in advertising; but there is no - little enterprise and good humour displayed in that business on this - side the Atlantic. In the street of a northern town one day, the - writer was presented with a handbill which will bear comparison with - many such transatlantic compositions. It was issued by a tea merchant, - whom we will refer to as “Smith.” In great black letters was the - heading, “Ananias Redivivus,” then came the pointed queries, “Had - Ananias any descendants? If so, what became of them? Did they emigrate - to Scotland?” From the contents of the bill I take the following, - which, I should state, was “displayed” in a most effective manner-- - - The judge says the resetter is as bad as the thief. - - Smith says the foolish buyer is as bad as the lying advertiser. - - The judge says, no resetters, fewer thieves. - - Smith says, no foolish buyers, no lying advertisers. - - Why? Because, if there were no fools, it wouldn’t pay. - - Thus the resetter is only responsible for some of the thieves; but the - stupid, foolish buyer is entirely responsible for all the lying - advertisers; and by dealing with them becomes a participator with them - in their wickedness, which brought such disastrous consequences upon - Ananias. - - But the way to know them is this--Use all the common-sense you have - been blessed with, and when you read such an advertisement as--“Best - tea the world produces, 1_s._ 7_d._ per lb.,” if you don’t say the - advertiser is a common, bare-faced perverter of the truth, a lineal - descendant of Ananias, one with whom poor old Ananias would not have - had the ghost of a chance for boldness and audacity, then you have - been blessed with very little. - - But did it pay Ananias? Will it pay his descendants? - - Here is a text for our popular preachers. I have actually heard - well-dressed, intelligent-looking people praise such men as clever; as - if it were clever to tell a lie, a game at which the biggest rogue can - beat the best gentleman. - - Lately the Chinese objected to the government planting a certain kind - of tree in their streets. When asked the reason, they said it would - spoil their business, as it was one of their holy trees, and they - could not tell a lie under its shade. - -[Illustration: AN AWFUL APPARITION! - -MRS. T. (_to T., who has been reading the popular novel_). Pray, Mr. -Tomkins, are you never coming upstairs? - -How much longer are you going to sit up with that _Woman in White_?] - - A few trees of this sort wanted in the streets of Glasgow. - - Now, although not under the shade of a holy tree, I speak the truth - when I most emphatically declare that my tea at 1_s._ 6_d._ per lb. is - better than that sold as the “best tea the world produces, 1_s._ 7_d._ - per lb.” - - We have in the foregoing an instance of a disciple of the good George - Washington airing his Biblical knowledge, and in the same way we find - a Birmingham bootmaker parading his acquaintance with the divine - Shakespeare thus wise-- - - “I pray you, sir, walk in.”--_Merry Wives of Windsor, ii. 5._ - - “And I will boot thee.”--_Ant. and Cleo., i. 1._ - - “We lay our service freely at your feet.”--_Hamlet, ii. 2._ - - Why does not some cobbler making use of the bard’s writings thus--“All - that I live by is with the awl. I meddle with no tradesman’s matters - nor women’s matters but with awl. I am, indeed, sir, surgeon to old - shoes; when they are in great danger I recover them.” [Trade journals - please copy.] - - These shoemakers would appear to be quite a literary lot, for in a - certain east coast town of Scotland an enterprising member of the - craft enlisted the tuneful muses to extol his trade--or, mayhap, it - was some relative of the poet “Slum” who rolled his eye in a fine - frenzy, and produced these exquisite lines-- - - Gae bring my auld topcoat, guidwife, - Gae bring it unco fast, - For I maun gang to Marshall’s shop - Afore the nicht be past; - My feet are damp, my boots are dune, - An’ sae I canna rest - Till I’m awa’ to Marshall’s shop, - For Marshall’s boots are best. - - The English papers, like their American contemporaries, are rich in - amusing advertisements of the “wants” class. Here is one that appeared - in a newspaper published in a university town, which probably - accounted for the “scholarly” tone of the notice-- - - MISSING.--A black spaniel dog named “Blen,” whose owner’s address - is---- It is asserted by some that Honesty is the Best Policy, and - that Virtue is its own Reward. If the present possessor of the dog - supports this view, his course is clear. In any case, no greater - reward will be offered. - -[Illustration: HOW NO. 4 ENJOYED HIMSELF. - -HOW NO. 7 SUFFERED IN CONSEQUENCE. - -THE MUSICAL NEIGHBOUR.] - -[Illustration: GENTLEMAN, WISHING TO REFER TO THE CATALOGUE OF THE -BRITISH MUSEUM, IS SHOWN A VERY SMALL PORTION OF THAT WORK.] - -[Illustration: PROFESSOR. Of course you will be prepared with your -analytical papers? - -UNDERGRADUATE. Anna Lettical? I don’t know her, sir; but I know a -capital song about Annie Laurie, if you’d like to hear that!] - - The gentleman who inserted the following in a London daily, and - desired replies to be sent to “Disgusted,” had apparently experienced - the joys of life in lodgings-- - - REQUIRED, in the West End, for a permanency, sitting and two large - bedrooms, nicely furnished. Do not reply if related to the nobility, - unaccustomed to receive, or animated by any other reason than a desire - to secure the amount paid for apartments, etc. Marketing done - personally. Careless or unskilled preparation, waste, or mysterious - disappearance of the things provided not tolerated. So-called musical - evenings, cheerful family, tennis lawns, imitation gardens, select - society, etc., regarded with indifference. Hypocrisy and snobbishness - disliked. Preferred and insisted upon instead--good cooking, prompt - attendance, scrupulous neatness, and a plentiful supply of clean house - linen. A written agreement to be made and mutually complied with. - State inclusive terms and full particulars. N.B.--Inclusive terms - means “no extras.” - - A London weekly once gave insertion to the appended notice, evidently - the work of a wag, and intended as a skit upon a rather romantic - episode which transpired about the time, when a lady played kidnapper, - and a member of the sterner sex figured as the kidnapped-- - - MATRIMONY.--Wanted, a rich American or English lady to kidnap - advertiser, who is of fine physique and well developed, in fact, a - Samson, who would not mind a trip with comfortable quarters on board a - yacht during the honeymoon, especially if the lady is amiable. - Genuine. - - This recalls an advertisement from an otherwise-minded young man. It - appeared in an American paper-- - - A YOUNG gentleman on the point of getting married is desirous of - meeting a man of experience who will dissuade him from such a step. - - Probably some one referred this cautious youth to _Punch_, of a - certain date, where the proper advice was given. - -[Illustration] - - -HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN. - -_Ballad for Music._ - - I met him in the festive scene, - Where hearts and eyes were bright; - I met him--ah, we ne’er had been - Acquainted till that night. - - I met him once again: ’twas where - The warbling queens of song - With liquid music filled the air, - And hushed the listening throng. - - Next day he came to make a call - I’d lodgings then at Brown’s-- - He stayed an hour, that was not all, - He borrowed two half-crowns. - - This world is but a wilderness, - Of grief and tears and pain-- - I travel onward--but you’ll guess, - He never called again. - - _Fun_, 1866. - -[Illustration: MISS FRUMP (_author of the “Ghoul-haunted Grange,” etc., -etc., etc._). Can your little boy read? - -MAMMA (_modestly_). Not very well, as yet. - -LITTLE BOY (_pertly_). I can read better than _you_, mamma. - -MAMMA. What _do_ you mean, child? - -LITTLE BOY. Why, _you_ said you couldn’t read Miss Frump’s new book! - - [_Awkward silence._] - - -A DANGEROUS WRITER - - Young Jonathan’s a pet of mine - For poetry and prose; - I think his books are jolly fine - (As literature goes). - One Yankee, though, I _cannot_ read; - He makes me shudder so. - He’s very dangerous indeed, - Is Edgar Allen Poe. - - I dearly love the simple style - Of Irving at his best, - And think that Hawthorne is a mile - In height above the rest. - I keep upon my shelves the works - Of Wendell Holmes; but, oh! - What fearful fascination lurks - In Edgar Allen Poe. - - We learn from Henry Wadsworth L. - That life is not a dream, - In lines that read extremely well, - But “are not what they seem.” - I’ve studied Henry Wadsworth hard, - From lots of years ago, - And found in _him_ a safer bard - Than Edgar Allen Poe. - - He draws you like a rattlesnake, - Does Mr. E. A. P., - His tales have kept me wide awake - Till two o’clock and three. - Those stories have a deeper charm - Than any ones I know-- - But, bless you! there’s a heap of harm - In Edgar Allen Poe. - - His narrative about a cat - Will make your blood run cold, - So fearful a romance as that - Has never yet been told. - The Pit and Pendulum will send - A thrill from top to toe. - Pure horror seems the aim and end - Of Edgar Allen Poe. - - I’ve dreamt of Ravens and of Bells-- - Of undiscovered crimes-- - Of haunted glens and ghostly dells, - At least a dozen times. - And often on a winter night, - My courage ran so low - I dare not sleep without a light-- - Through Edgar Allen Poe. - - _Fun_, 1867. - - -THE PHILOSOPHER’S REVENGE - -A STORY WITHOUT WORDS - -IN SIXTEEN CHAPTERS. - -(_The right of translation is reserved._) - -[Illustration: CHAPTER I.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER II.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER III.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER IV.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER V.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER VI.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER VII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER VIII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER IX.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER X.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XI.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XIII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XIV.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XV.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XVI. (THE END.)] - - - - -[Illustration: FUN IN THE STUDIO - -IRISH MODEL. Would ye moind telling me, sorr, who was the greatest -arrrtist iver been--av course, prisent company always excepted!] - - -[Illustration: ARTIST (_to country model_). You’d better “rest” a bit. -Sitting still seems very tiring to you. - -MODEL (_mindful of instructions of local photographer’s_). It ain’t the -sitting still, mister. It’s the ’olding me breath!] - - * * * * * - -According to a most unlikely story, the late Phil May was once on his -uppers in a small town in Australia. To stave off starvation he sought -and found employment as a waiter in a fourth-class eating house. One day -a man who had known the artist in London dropped in and took a seat at -one of the tables. When May went to take his order mutual recognition -followed. - -“Phil May!” the visitor exclaimed. “And compelled to work in a hole like -this!” - -“Yes,” retorted the artist indignantly. “I’ve sunk pretty low, but I -haven’t yet got so far down that I have to eat here.” - -[Illustration: WHOLESALE! - -PATRON (_yawning_). Augh, well, these sort of things are all much the -same to me. I’ll take a lot by weight--mounts and all. How much a pound -for this lot?] - -[Illustration: “QUALIFICATIONS.” - -PAINTER (_who has always been ambitious of “writing himself down an -R.A.”_). Think they might have elected me, having exhibited and had my -name down all these years! I might have---- - -FRIEND (_man o’ the world_). My dear fellow, I’ve always told you, you -don’t go the right way to work. You see they _could_ only elect you for -your painting, for--why do you wear such thick boots?!!] - -[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES. - -ARTIST. Hullo, Jakes! How’s this? I’ve been trying to do without you--I -thought you said you couldn’t come this morning? - -MODEL. So I did, sir! I was engaged to Mr. Macmough, to sit for the legs -in the Dook of Hipswich’s portrait. - -ARTIST. Well? - -MODEL. Well, sir, whiles I were a-sitt’n, the Dook he come in quite -hunexpected like; an’ when he see me, he says he’d a deal sooner sit for -his legs hisself. So _I_ come on straight here!] - -[Illustration: “ASKING FOR IT.” - -FEROCIOUS DEALER. Now, if any man will tell me that that’s a copy, -I’ll--I’ll knock him down!--What’s your candid opinion?] - -[Illustration: THE COMMERCIAL SIDE. - -PAINTER. You don’t mean to say you want me to sign it, when I tell you I -did not paint it? And a beastly copy it is, too! - -PICTURE-DEALER. Vy not, goot sir? vy not? Tut! tut! tut! I only vish you -artis’s vos men of bis’ness!] - -[Illustration: GADDY’S ACADEMY PICTURE ON VIEW. - -ART CRITIC. You see you’ve got the duke seated and the duchess standing -up. Now couldn’t you make the duchess sitting down and the duke standing -up? - -[_But Gaddy fears the council will not put off the exhibition for a -couple of months to enable him to take advantage of his friend’s -valuable suggestion._] - -[Illustration: “FLATTERING.” - -COOK. Laukadaisy me, Miss Mary, if it ain’t a’most like wax-work, I dew -declare!] - -[Illustration: PROFESSION AND PRACTICE. - -PAINTER. Wouldn’t care to be a painter, eh? - -MODEL. Dear, no, sir! Rather be a doctor--their work ain’t so -criticised, and it don’t much matter whether it’s kill or cure.] - -[Illustration: RAPID GENIUS. ’Ow do I manage it? Why, fust of all I -takes the brown and does all the cats and the rinds of the cheeses--then -I takes the yaller and goes over the cheeses, and puts in eyes and -stripes to the cats. With a brush o’ black I puts in the bottles and the -mice; finishes up with a dab o’ white on the bottles and in the mice’s -heyes--and there you are!] - -[Illustration: CRITIC. De bicture you haff bainted is most peautiful; -der is only von vordt in the English langweege vot describes eet, and I -haf vorgotten eet.] - -[Illustration: JONES (_to Brown, who has been to a ball at Robinson’s_). -Many women there? - -BROWN. No; only their mothers.] - -[Illustration: FOR EXHIBITION? - -PAINTER. Oh! they won’t hang it, I know--’tis of no use sending it. - -WIFE. Well, Michael, if you keep it here they won’t hang it, we -know--send it and try: they hang bad pictures sometimes. - - [_Michael is encouraged._] - -[Illustration: PRETTY INNOCENT. - -LADY. Oh, Mr. Mastic, why do artists have screens about their studios? - -ARTIST. To back up the figures, and so on. - -LADY. Oh, really! Well, I thought it was to keep the bedstead and all -that out of sight, you know.] - -[Illustration: “AYE, THERE’S THE RUB!” - -IRASCIBLE PATRON (_who has wiped out a good deal of Funkie’s great -work_). Confound your nasty picture, sir! See what it has done! The -canvas is reeking with paint, sir--positively reeking! It’s disgraceful! - - [_Exit in a whirlwind._] - -[Illustration: ARTIST (_to his hypochondriacal friend with an -independence_). Ah! my dear fellow, if you had to work hard and get your -own living as we have, you’d have no dyspepsia, I’ll be bound; -good-bye.] - -[Illustration: THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. - -ARTIST (_as a hint to his friend_). Bless me! Five o’clock! I had no -idea it was so late. How quickly time does fly now! - -YANKEE. Which I calc’late it’s all owin’ to the vast improvements -effected in clocks by our great country.] - -[Illustration: THE REAL. - -MARY JANE _in reply to_ OLIVIA. - -“The same romantic creature as ever! His name is not Algernon, but plain -Robert; and he’s not an Apelles, but a hard-working fellow, with enough -of genius to make me proud of him. As to his model--etc., etc. - - [_For “The Ideal,” see p. 156._] - -[Illustration: PLEASURES OF THE STUDIO. - -At the beginning of April, when every moment is of consequence, Mr. -Flake White’s model for Hamlet appears with a black eye, which he -declares is the effect of influenza.] - -[Illustration: A HAPPY MEDIUM. - -DEALER. Ah! there’s good transparency there. What do you mix your colour -with? - -ARTIST. Brains.] - -[Illustration: THE IDEAL. - -_From_ OLIVIA _to_ MARY JANE - -“And so, _dearest_, you have married _an artist!_ How like you, who was -always such an admirer of the _beautiful_. * * * I can see you ’_in my -mind’s eye_’; your Algernon (his name _is_ Algernon, is it not, -dearest?) seated like _another_ Apelles at his easel, whilst you, his -own Cantaspe, make the most graceful of models. You remember---- - - “Apelles, when Cantaspe’s form he drew, - Bade her remove the look of love she wore, - Lest others should adore,” etc., etc. - - [_For “The Real,” see page 154._] - -[Illustration: ARTIST. My big picture? I haven’t painted in the two -principal figures yet; because I can’t find anybody pretty enough to sit -for them. Ah! Miss _Mary_, if I could only induce _you_ just to---- - -MISS BRIDGET. Oh! my _dear_ Mr. M’Gilp, we should _both_ be only too -delighted! When shall we come to your studio? How shall we dress? and -what style of coiffure? - - [_Now, what_ is _a fellow to say in such a fix as this?_] - - * * * * * - -James McNeill Whistler and a friend, strolling through a London suburb, -met a small boy. Whistler asked him his age. - -“Seven,” the boy replied. - -“Oh, you must be more than seven,” said Whistler doubtingly. - -“Seven,” insisted the boy, rather pleased at being taken for older. - -Turning to his friend, Whistler said, “Do you think it possible that he -really could have got as dirty as that in only seven years?” - -[Illustration: ANSWERS FOR OUR ARTIST.--“Biddy Maloney, just you look at -that clock! Didn’t I tell you last night to knock at my door at eight -this morning?” - -“An’ so ye did, sir, and I came to the door at eight sure enough, but I -heard ye was making no noise at all!” - -“Well, why the dickens didn’t you knock, and wake me?” - -“Sure, and because I feared yez might be fast asleep!”] - -[Illustration: THE MOTHER OF INVENTION. - -Mrs. Fred doesn’t care how long she sits for her “dear Fred,” so long as -her “darling Freddy” is in some safe place where he can’t get into -mischief.] - -[Illustration: KINDLY MEANT. - -CHROME (_to friend_). Well, and how do I get on with the doublet? Is it -more like leather? - -CONSCIENTIOUS FRIEND. Why, no; I can’t say it is--but (_apologetically_) -you’ve got the face very like leather.] - -[Illustration: PAINTER (_aghast_).--Good heavens, man! Where’s your -beard? What have you done to your face? - -MODEL. Me, sir? Naethin, but just made my whiskers a wee thing decent -wi’ the shears. - -PAINTER. Then you’re an utterly ruined man, sir! and I’m very sorry for -you. You’re not worth twopence. Good-morning.] - -[Illustration: How some of the old painters _must_ have worked to get -through anything like the number of “original” pictures attributed to -them.] - -[Illustration: STUDIO PERSUASION. - -_Our friend Jack McGilp to excited partner, who has just the head for -his picture of “A Husband’s Revenge.”_--So she won’t stand any longer, -won’t she? Of course she won’t. _I’ll get a model._ - - [_The effect is magical._] - -[Illustration: COOK. Lawks, miss, it’s beautiful; but I’d no idea your -pa was a portrait painter!] - -[Illustration: A MODEL HUSBAND AND A LAY FIGURE. - -What Miss Grundy saw in her brother-in-law’s studio. - -_What Miss Grundy said about it to her sister._--“Perfectly -disgraceful--and to crown it all she was bald!”] - -[Illustration: MARVELLOUS! - -YOUNG LADY. Ah! really, Mr. Splurge, I can’t think how you manage to -paint with such taste. - -MR. S. Simply by holding my palate in my hand, I assure you.] - -[Illustration: A VISIT TO THE STUDIO. - -MR. OCHRE (_through whose frame a thrill of horror is supposed to be -passing_). Ugh! mind what you’re about, Charley. Mind my Ophelia; mind -my Ophelia! You’ll knock her over, and spoil all her folds!] - -[Illustration: SCENE IN A STUDIO. - -Jack Armstrong has painted a modern subject, from real life, and painted -it uncommonly well.--Strange to say, he has sold his picture. - -Messrs. Feeble and Potter (_very high-art men, who can’t get on -without mediæval costume, and all the rest of it_) think it a -mistake.--Curiously enough, _their_ pictures are unsold.] - -[Illustration: Ballet of action with which Sparkles (who says he is so -hard at work at his picture), and his friend and model, Jack Bounce, -refresh themselves in the intervals of labour.] - -[Illustration: TURPS _v._ TURPITUDE. - -The above represents a slight mistake made by Scumble’s new charwoman, -who, being “partial to her drops,” thought she had a chance.] - -[Illustration: ONE USE FOR “DUNDREARYS.” (1863.) - -Fitzdab (_who does the Dundreary sort of thing_) having brought his -whiskers to a pitch of perfection seldom equalled, gives the finishing -touches to Dolly Jenkins’s portrait with the tips.] - -[Illustration: ACCOMMODATING! - -STERN PARENT. Too fat for a page, you think, sir? Um! You see, sir, if -so be you could wait a week or so, we could redooce him wery easy.] - -[Illustration: COTTON LORD (_“coming” the noble patron_). Haw--I was -indooced to buy a little picture of yours, the other day, Stodge, -haw---- - -ARTIST (_who does not seem to see it_). Lucky fellow!!] - -[Illustration: “NOBLESSE OBLIGE!” - -STODGE (_in answer to the reproachful look of his cabman_). Well, it’s -your right fare; you know that as well as I do! - -CABBY. Oh! which I’m well aware o’ that, sir! But--(“_more in sorrow -than in anger_”)--an’ you a artis’, sir!! - - [_Gets another shilling!_] - -[Illustration: OUR ART-SCHOOL CONVERSAZIONE. - -At which (in consequence of the increased space anticipated at the R.A. -exhibition) there is a greater crowd than usual. - -MODEL (_who has charge of the hats and coats_). No. 97? Yessir. There -now! If I didn’t see that ’at--ah--not a quarter of an hour ago!! - - [_Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely - time to catch his last train!_] - -[Illustration: OUR ARTIST THINKS OF PAINTING A PICTURE FROM MACAULAY’S -“IVRY,” - -AND DECLAIMS THE POEM TO A PROSAIC PARTY. - -OUR ARTIST (_ore rot._). “* * * * * - - Charge by the golden lilies! upon them with the lance! - A thousand spurs are striking deep, a thousand spears in rest, - A thousand knights are pressing close behind----” - -PROSAIC PARTY (_interrupting_). Hullo! - -OUR ARTIST. Eh? - -PROSAIC PARTY. Why, hang it, that’s only one spur a-piece!] - -[Illustration: “SHARP’S THE WORD.” - -_Enter Lord Blasonby (hastily) to sit for his portrait in Stodge’s -picture of the Chalkshire hunt._ - -STODGE. I understood you to say you would come yesterday, my lord; and I -am engaged this morning. Lady Flouncer is coming at one o’clock. - -MY LORD. Haw! just in time, then. Cut away. You’ve got a good ten -minutes. Wants a quarter to one, now!] - - “I ordered you to paint me some cows in a stable. I see the stable, - but where are the cows?” - - “They are in the stable.” - - “So is your pay for this picture. You had better bring both out.” - -[Illustration: THE SYMPATHIES OF ART. - -TAILOR (_to artist customer_). Looky ’ere, sir,--I’ll put it to you! -you’re a drawer yourself, and if you knew the years I’ve been studyin’ -the ’uman figger--you wouldn’t tell me that coat don’t fit!] - -[Illustration: UNDER A GREAT MASTER.] - -[Illustration: FAST COLOURS. - -ARTIST (READING NOTE FROM OBLIGED FRIEND). Um,--um,--much obliged to you -for the loan of your Bedouin’s dress--(um,--um,)--will return it in a -day or two, as I’ve, (ah! what!) sent it--to--the WASH!! - - [_The artist’s feelings (for colour - especially) may be easier imagined - than described._] - -[Illustration: NOBODY DESIRES THE PAINTER TO MAKE HIM AS UGLY AND AS -RIDICULOUS AS POSSIBLE. - -(In this engraving by George Cruikshank the figure of the artist is a -portrait of Cruikshank himself.)] - - * * * * * - -“What colour of hair do you prefer, Mr. Baldwon, black or blonde?” - -“I would not care what colour it was, if I only had some!” - - * * * * * - -“Your last book, madame, had a colossal success.” - -“I should say so! Every one of my three divorced husbands wanted to -re-marry me!” - - * * * * * - -A great man was complaining of all the charities to which he was forced -to contribute. - -“I give without counting,” he groaned. - -“Yes, but not without recounting,” replied a friend. - -[Illustration: PERFECT SINCERITY; OR, THINKINGS ALOUD. - -ARTIST NO. 1. There, Master Oker, I flatter myself that will take the -shine out of your precious production, although you do think nobody can -paint but yourself. - -ARTIST NO. 2. Hey! dear, dear, dear! That’s very bad. By jove, my boy, -it’s a dreadful falling-off from last year. If I were you, I should -think twice before I sent it in. - -ARTIST NO. 1. Mere envy--illiberal humbug.] - - * * * * * - -PROFESSOR. I came in accordance with an invitation I received to examine -your collection of curiosities. - -PARVENU (_just returned from long voyage_). Certainly, professor, walk -right in. Allow me to first introduce to you my wife and daughters. - -[Illustration: EASILY SATISFIED. - -FOND PARENT. I don’t care, Mr. Medium, about it’s being highly finished; -but I should like the dear child’s expression preserved.] - - * * * * * - -FIRST AUTHOR. “Well, what do you think of the book of our colleague -Tintinger?” - -SECOND AUTHOR. “Oh, what a shameless bidder for notoriety!” - -“What! How so?” - -“Did you not read the dedication, ’To my mother-in-law, with sincere -esteem’?” - - * * * * * - -FIRST ARTIST. Well, are you satisfied with the appreciation that marine -view of yours has received? - -SECOND ARTIST. Delighted. Two women just stopped in front of it and one -said to the other, “It just makes me seasick to look at it.” - -[Illustration: THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. - -FRAME-MAKER (_who comes to measure Stodge’s academy pictures_). Now, I -think it’s a pity you don’t let me have some o’ these for my winder, -since you have no idea of the amount of rubbish I can get rid of at -times.] - - * * * * * - -There has been much discussion as to the assistance that photography -might render judicial authorities in enabling the arrest of criminals. - -Yet this is what recently occurred in France. Six photographs in -different poses of the same criminal who had escaped from prison were -sent out to all the communes of France. From the mayor of one of these -districts the following letter was received: - -“Five of the criminals whose photographs you sent have already been -arrested; we are on the track of the sixth.” - -[Illustration: AS SCUMMLES’S PICTURES ARE INVARIABLY “SKYED” AT THE -ROYAL ACADEMY, HE HAS GIVEN UP HIGH FINISH, AND ADAPTS HIS STYLE TO THE -CIRCUMSTANCES!] - - - - -[Illustration: ROUND THE GALLERIES - -CAUTION.--(To the two young ladies in pink bonnets who expressed such -enthusiasm about Mr. B. Stubbs’s pictures, and would so like to see that -“dear Mr. Stubbs.”) The tall young man who on overhearing the above -praise, wetted his pocket-handkerchief, and removed an imaginary speck -of dust from Mr. S.’s picture, thereby trying to convey the impression -that he was the fortunate man who had painted it, is some impudent -impostor, and never touched a canvas before in his life. Mr. B. Stubbs -is a good-looking, _short_ man, with wideawake, auburn beard and -spectacles.] - - -PAINTERS AND GAZERS - -A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY - -[Illustration] - - I had hopes--I know that they have proved to be unfounded, but I - cannot admit that they were unreasonable!--I _had_ hopes that I should - have been able to avail myself of the privilege of free admission - conceded to exhibitors. Unfortunately, I do not exhibit! - - I sent three pictures! 1 (a pre-Raphaelite bit of nature), “Docks and - Marsh Mallows”; 2 (an attempt to depict a really unhackneyed - historical situation), “Charles the Second in the Oak”; 3 (a genre - painting), “The New Crinoline.” - - If it were becoming (which it is not) I could say a good deal about - these works; but I forbear to do so. _They were all three rejected by - the Hanging Committee._ - - I have accordingly paid my shilling, and I mean to take it out in - criticism. The Academicians have exercised _their_ rights; I shall use - mine. There will be plenty of hacks to fawn upon the imbecile - canvas-spoilers, the miserable, crass, cringing, dull, feeble, - superannuated, impotent, and abject Forty. Of those hacks I decline to - be one. Honest truth (uninfluenced by passion) is what the wretched - dotards shall hear from _me_. - -[Illustration] - - I saw men prowling about (there was Mr. Thackeray, for instance, as - large as life, and a host of other “successful” men--_I_ hate - success!) who had evidently made up their minds to be pleased with - this, the most disreputable Exhibition that ever degraded British Art. - Let them. Thoughts is free, as Mrs. Brown said at the play; _and so - are mine_. It is all very well to get a set of literary time-servers - to hob and nob with Academicians at the annual orgie which disgraces - Trafalgar-square, and on which hundreds of pounds are spent that ought - to be devoted to the development of talent such as that of--well, of - some I _could_ name; but _I_ was never invited to the so-called - banquet. Banquet, indeed! I would rather maintain my honest - independence, though I had nothing to eat but a polony--and this is - sometimes the case! Look at young Mr. Marcus Stone. I’ll be bound to - say _he_ never eats polonies--and yet all London is talking of his - “Napoleon,” whilst my “New Crinoline” has not yet met even with a - dealer! - -[Illustration: AN ARTIST’S DREAM, AFTER SENDING IN HIS PICTURES WET TO -THE ROYAL ACADEMY.] - - Look at Mr. Ruskin. What did they do to _him_? Why, they asked him to - dinner! What was the result? - - His Critical Notes have never appeared since!! Not that it matters - much. - -[Illustration: The advantage of the practice of “athletic exercises” by -young painters, as recommended by a great critic.] - -[Illustration: The proprietors of the Royal Academy don’t see why they -should be troubled with so many works by other fellows. Oh dear, no! Let -them exhibit their pictures outside!] - - Exhibition, indeed! Why, you can’t see anything--not that there is - much to see--for the crowd of gaping women that block up the hideous - and uncomfortable rooms with their preposterous crinoline--and yet the - Academicians rejected _mine_! Then, the “swells”--a set of lounging - insipid imbeciles, drawling out their vapid Dundrearyisms--and the old - fogies, wagging their stupid old heads--I should like to knock a few - of them together!--and the smug, smiling fellows whose pictures have - been accepted--and the “Art-Critics,” who pretend to see power in a - man like Millais, and poetry in a man like Hook, and humour in a man - like Marks, but who are far too high and mighty, I promise you, to - come up four pair of stairs and see my “Marsh Mallows,”--and if they - did, they couldn’t appreciate them! There, I’m tired of the whole - concern--pictures and painters and visitors and all--and Mrs. Edwards - is bothering me for the rent--and, unless you print this, to show up - the impostors, and send the money by return, I shall have to paint - sign-boards. David Cox painted one--and I dare say did it badly--for I - never thought much of _him_! Or any other man! - - _Fun_, 1863. - -[Illustration: PLEASURES OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.] - -[Illustration: ART IN THE NATIONAL GALLERY. - -ENID (_with catalogue_). Aren’t they splendid? - -EILEEN (_using picture as mirror_). Yes, I _must_ say I like these dark -Rembrandts.] - -[Illustration: OUTSIDE THE ROYAL ACADEMY. - -“You were a silly ass to talk of Botticelli in that way just now. Why, -it’s not a wine, it’s a cheese!”] - -[Illustration: THE CHARMING FASHION OF LONG SKIRTS (1862). - -Honestly, now--which of the two ought to apologize to the other?] - - * * * * * - -POET. What do you think of this little poem of mine, “She Would Not -Smile.” - -EDITOR. I think if you had read the poem to her she would have smiled. - - * * * * * - -PROFESSOR (_turning angrily to class_). This is intolerable! Every time -I speak an imbecile talks. - - * * * * * - -BOARDER (_to landlady_). Did you hear me come home last night? - -LANDLADY. Did I? I heard you coming home for several hours! - -[Illustration: “UNTO THIS LAST.” - -PROVINCIAL (_at the Leeds Exhibition_). I’ve heeard as the paint on some -o’ these yere “picters” comes to a matter o’ fi’ pounds sometimes, let -alone the man’s time a layin’ of it on, yer know!!!] - -[Illustration: “VERY LIKE--VERY LIKE.” - -Mr. B. A. Boone having given Smudger, R.H.A., leave to exhibit his -portrait, is intensely delighted to find there is a slight mistake in -the catalogue, and that the description really belonging to No. 82--“B. -A. Boone, Esq., F.Z.S., etc.”--has been transferred to No. 28.] - - * * * * * - -EISENSTEIN. Hello, old man, what makes you look so worried? - -ROSENSTEIN. The doctor ordered me to take a bath! - -_Eisenstein._ Cheer up, old man! You can try this new dry cleaning -process. - - * * * * * - -“See what a beautiful set of teeth the baroness has!” - -MISS N. V. “Yes, it looks as if she had swallowed a piano, all but the -keyboard.” - - * * * * * - -CHARMING YOUNG WOMAN (_to artist_). But a hundred pounds seems to me too -much for my portrait. I find it so easy to paint myself! - - * * * * * - -“You say your manager threw an inkstand at you?” - -“Yes, he did, but I must say for him that he threw the blotting pad -after it.” - -[Illustration: THE UMBRELLA QUESTION: - -Or, what it would have come to, if some people had had their way.] - -[Illustration: PICTURES OF THE ENGLISH, PAINTED BY THE FRENCH. - -AN ENGLISH NOBLEMAN, 1848. - -MILORD. Godam! Rosbif! I shall sell my wife at Smithfield. Dam!] - - * * * * * - -ETHEL. Good-morning, Mr. Jones. You don’t seem to mind the heat! - -JONES (_surlily_). I should say not. All my friends have given me the -cold shoulder. - - * * * * * - -“How attractive that lady over there is! What a fine profile! What -thoughtful, dreamy eyes! If I could only find out in what branch of -knowledge she is especially interested! Listen! She is asking the -librarian something. I wonder what it is.” - -LIBRARIAN. “No, madame, I do not know whether he was here yesterday.” - -[Illustration: A-MUSING. - -MCDAUBER (_who is so afflicted with the habit of thinking aloud_). -Charming bit of colour, that! Marvellous chiaroscuro. Wonder who it’s -by? - - [_Oddly enough it is by McDauber himself!_] - -[Illustration: PERHAPS. - -STOUT FASHIONABLE PARTY. What guys they made of themselves in those -days, aunt! - -SLIM OLD DITTO. Fashion, my dear! I should not wonder but we shall be -looked on as _perfect frights_ in future times!!] - -[Illustration: Reception of pictures at the Royal Academy.--Arrival of -the “Portrait of a Gentleman.”] - - “Madame, I have picked out a charming husband for you. Only I warn you - he is a thorough sportsman. Fond of motoring, mountain-climbing, - bicycling, and ballooning.” - - APPLICANT (_thoughtfully_). “Can’t you give me something that lasts - longer?” - - * * * * * - - “I can’t understand how a man can commit suicide for love.” - - “It happens frequently.” - - “Well, perhaps so, but if I did it, I should regret it all my life.” - - * * * * * - - “Hello, Jimson, whither so fast?” - - “Don’t stop me. I’m going to my employer’s funeral, and there is - nothing he hates so much as to have any one come in late.” - - - OUR - HISTORICAL - PORTRAIT - GALLERY - - 1.--HENRY THE EIGHTH - 2.--DR. JOHNSON - 3.--HENRY THE THIRD OF FRANCE - 4.--NAPOLEON I - 5.--LOUIS THE ELEVENTH - 6.--OLIVER CROMWELL - 7.--FREDERICK THE GREAT - -[Illustration: 1.] - -[Illustration: 2.] - -[Illustration: 3.] - -[Illustration: 4.] - -[Illustration: 5.] - -[Illustration: 6.] - -[Illustration: 7.] - -[Illustration: A STUDY. - -Stodge and his friends, Madlake and Blumold, have learnt that their -pictures are hung this year. So, here they are, looking out for some -nice dressy ties for the opening of the Academy. Ah! it’s all very well -to laugh, but personal appearance and “get-up” generally is a very -important thing nowadays, mind you!] - -[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT THE ACADEMY. - -FIRST ART-CRITIC. Not a bad bit of colour that--great hairial effect, -too! - -SECOND DITTO. Jolliest thing in the exhibition, by Jingo! - - [_An explanation of the above is requested;--we cannot find Mr. - Jingo’s name in the catalogue._] - - -A DREAM OF UNFAIR WOMEN - -BY CLEMENT W. SCOTT. - - I read, as daylight broadened into morn, - _A Tale of Unfair Women_, in the pause, - “My youth!” one said, “whenever you have sworn, - These women were the cause!” - - At first methought a lady at a ball - Sat with black-bearded warriors by the stair, - She was _décolletée_ and divinely tall, - With long, gold-dusted hair. - - A meek young gentleman approached her seat, - His gloves were split, his waistcoat buttons false; - She gazed an instant at his clumsy feet, - Then sneered, “I do not valse!” - - I saw a pic-nic by the river side, - On scarlet rugs one sat, apart from man, - Queenlike she was, dark-haired and dreamy-eyed, - Hat-bound with astracan. - - A melancholy captain in the line - Drew near at last to pour forth all his heart; - She turned, “A thousand pardons, friend of mine, - Where is my cherry-tart?” - - A maid, blue-stockinged, broke the silence drear, - And flashing forth a winning smile, said she, - “’Tis long since I have seen a man. Come here, - Play croquet now with me.” - - She “spooned,” and cheated, and had ankles thick, - I let her win, the game was such a bore, - Her bright ball quivered at the coloured stick-- - Touched,--and we played no more. - - I turning saw a couple newly wed; - She--lately fond of flirting, and a belle-- - Now contradicted every word he said, - And bullied him as well. - - She said, “Oh! bother business; really, dear, - You’ve no more feeling for me than a stone; - I wish my kind mamma lived somewhere near-- - I won’t be left alone!” - - I was cut off from hope in such a place! - An evening party whence I dared not roam, - My sister held her hand before her face, - I longed to be at home. - - I strove to stir, but I was victimized - To talk to dowagers; between the sets - Two voiceless females, old and undersized, - Chirp’d Mendelssohn’s duets. - - But soon my eyes were turned towards a stage-- - This was an awful sight, it haunts me yet-- - I saw a lady, of uncertain age, - Burlesquing Juliet. - - I saw a spectacled, but wild mamma, - Coaxing her daughter with a fair-haired lad; - Then, hearing he made nothing, frowned; and, ah! - Called the young man “a cad.” - - I heard old maids take characters away; - I saw young ladies dress like men and smoke; - An authoress next read a five-act play, - ’Twas wicked, and I woke. - - _Fun_, 1865. - -[Illustration: - - 1.--_Early Pie-ety._ - 2.--_The Mother’s Pet._ - 3.--_Rough Weather off the Coast of Devon._ - 4.--_A Shady Pool._ - 5.--_A Village Style._ - 6.--_The Mace-bearer._ - 7.--_Summer._ - 8.--_Spring._ - -A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR THE ROYAL ACADEMY CATALOGUE. (1868.)] - - - - -[Illustration: THE ARTIST OUT OF DOORS - -“IT’S AN ILL WIND,” ETC. - -Our artist takes advantage of the utter prostration of the poor sick -passengers, and fills his sketch-book.] - - -[Illustration: THE OLD COTTAGE.] - -[Illustration: _Scene_--The Elysium of Artists. Albert Durer, Rafael, -Michael Angelo, Titian, Paul Veronese, Rubens, Reynolds, etc.] - - -IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS - - _P. Veronese._ And you saw this English Painter, who has last arrived - among us, Sir Joshua? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ I did--and, faith, with the more interest that such - arrivals become, every day, more rare. But I would rather keep back - his tidings from our friends here. - - _All._ Nay--speak--speak! - - _Rubens._ You know, my friend, we have no jealousies here--nor - schools. - - _Rafael._ Our noble Michael has forgiven my youthful presumption. - - _M. Angelo._ Not a word of that--I was to blame. _Basta!_ You acted - nobly, gracefully, kindly as ever. - - _Titian._ The outline of Rome embraces the colour of Venice; and - Titian here, after life, recognizes the might of Michael Angelo, and - the saintliness of Rafael. - - _Rubens._ Strange how blind we were on earth! - -[Illustration: “A PRETTY PROSPECT!” - -NATIVE (_to our Landscape Painter, who has come down to sketch_). Why, -sir, in this ’ere valley that you’re a goin’ to, you may see--ah--three -splendid viaducts all at once, and one o’ the largest cloth factories in -the West of England!] - - _A. Durer._ But the news from England? - - _M. Angelo._ I love your commercial races and their merchant princes. - Florence should have been my home. Has England such patrons of art as - Soderini-- - - _Rafael._ Or as my dear Agostino Chigi? He was a banker, but had the - soul of a king. How I loved him! Are there such bankers in England? - -[Illustration: ARTIST. This canvas is going to create a sensation.] - -[Illustration: Crack! - -THE POSSIBILITIES OF A PENNY PISTOL AND A BOX OF CAPS.] - -[Illustration: TECHNICAL AND PRACTICAL. - -MAULSTIC. Hullo, Jack, what _are_ you after? - -JACK. Oh, my foreground didn’t come well, so I’m _putting it together_ a -bit.] - - _A. Durer._ Or as my worthy burghers of Nüremberg--the friends of - Luther and Melancthon--are such the shopkeepers of England? - - _P. Veronese._ Or such traders as my noble Levantine merchants of the - Rialto? - -[Illustration: How two friends of ours who can’t bear being looked over -while they are sketching, circumvented the impertinent curiosity of the -vulgar.] - -[Illustration: Old Streekie, R.A., thought it very hard that he could -not run down to the seaside for a week, after the opening of the -Academy, without meeting “that pre-Raphaelite fellow Cleevidge loafing -about there, the first time he walks out.”] - -[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS. - -MISS JONES (_loq._). So glad there are no horrid cows in the field this -morning.] - - _Reynolds._ Hush! friends, one at a time, or I drop my ear-trumpet, as - I used to do, when Boswell would put troublesome questions. I fear - England hardly boasts such men as you have mentioned. But there is a - large subscription to the Art-Union, and bad pictures are greedily - bought at small prices; good ones at large prices are few in number, - and of that few still fewer are sold. - - _Rubens._ I grieve to hear it. But what of your English sovereign? His - Majesty, Charles the First (I was ambassador to his Court, you may - remember, from my royal friend, Philip of Spain) would stand by my - easel for hours, watching me at work, and discoursing to me of art. - Doubtless, your sovereign shows like grace to our brethren of this - later time? - -[Illustration: A DESIGN FOR AN ALBUM. - -The artist who gives up his time to drawing in albums is like a -midshipman on half pay--gets “nothing a day and finds himself.”] - - _A. Durer._ Nay, you are modest, my Rubens. For the _Liebe Deutsche - Schule_, I must speak for you. Not Charles alone--but the Gonzaga of - Mantua, Duke Albert, Philip the Spaniard, and the queenly Medici, - gloried in calling you their friend and counsellor. - - _M. Angelo._ They did not honour Art--Art honoured them. How often - have I told that hard truth to our Holy Father, fiery old Julius! He - cuffed his Chamberlain once, for denying it. But for my own part, I - never much affected your kings and great folks. - -[Illustration: This is Jack Sparkles, who used to be such a thorough -pre-Raphaelite, as we came upon him “at work” the other day--at least he -called it so. He said he had come to the conclusion that “painting was, -after all, more or less a matter of memory, and that he was studying -skies!!”] - - _Rafael._ Thy noble nature disdained such shelter as we weaker and - more luxurious spirits were fain to take under their escutcheons. And - our Leonardo here--Francis, seemed never so great a king as when he - picked up thy pencil, oh, my friend, lord not only of thine art, but - of all knowledge! - -[Illustration: CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. - -INGENUAS DIDICISSE FIDELITER ARTES, etc., etc.--NURSEMAID. The -perspective of the _Chiaroscuro_ is divine, Augustus. But, oh! the -_impasto_, is it not a _leetle_ too _pizzicato_?] - - _Leonardo da Vinci._ Is Art so honoured by the great of England? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Hum! Oh, His Majesty George the III was pleased to - give a charter to the Royal Academy. I have been presented--but, - certainly, I don’t remember to have seen him in my painting room at - Leicester Square, or to have been asked to take a seat in the Privy - Council. - - _Rafael._ But your reigning monarch is a Queen. Woman has ever loved - the Beautiful. Surely she much affects you painters. - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Hum--ha--I am extremely deaf. - - _P. Veronese_ (_shouting into his trumpet_). Does the Queen give due - honour to our brethren? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ I am assured she has had painted already ten - portraits of her gracious self, thirty of her Royal consort, twenty of - the Royal infants, and fifty of the Royal pets, from paroquet to - Brazilian monkey. - - _M. Angelo._ These are your court painters, who so disgrace their - calling. But your _Artists_? How goes it at the palace with them? - - _Rubens._ Seated at the Royal board, doubtless--in places of honour. - - _L. da Vinci._ Where else should sit the architects, engineers, - philosophers, poets of the nation--in whom all knowledge is orbed - around the Beautiful, and grows to Art? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ I am not informed that they _do_ sit _exactly_ at - the Royal board, but the equerries’ table is excellent--and no - doubt---- - - _M. Angelo._ _Basta!_ Do not mince words, man--out with it. The - painters’ table with the lackeys! Excellent England! - -[Illustration: AN ARTIST SCAMP IN THE HIGHLANDS. - -ARTIST (_entering_). My good woman, if you’ll allow me, I’ll just paint -that bedstead of yours. - -COTTAGER (_with bob-curtsey_). Thank ye, sir, I’ sure it’s very kind of -ye--but dinna ye think the wee yin wants it more?] - - _Titian_ (_aside_). These islanders! But our pictures which adorn your - English galleries, my Bacchus and Ariadne--I painted it for Gonzaga. - - _M. Angelo._ Well remembered, Vicellio. There’s Sebastiano’s picture, - too, in your gallery; I painted the Lazarus, my Rafael, to shame thee. - Blister my hand for it! How of it? - - _Rafael._ It is a noble work, and I was honoured by such a rivalry. - - _Rubens._ And my Peace and War? I painted it for your Charles, before - I opened my negotiation for peace with Spain. Surely it is well - cared-for, as a historic record, if not as a picture? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Really my trumpet is out of order--I must go. - - _P. Veronese_ (_pulling him back_). Nay, nay, you must tell us of our - pictures. Do they stand your fogs and damps? Are they still brightly - mellow, defying time and circumstance as such art should do? - -[Illustration: INGENIOUS PROTECTION AGAINST MIDGES--A VALUABLE HINT TO -SKETCHERS FROM NATURE.] - -[Illustration: SKETCHING FROM NATURE. - -Miss Raphael makes a study for her grand picture, “The Day after the -Deluge.”] - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Why, the fact is, my friends--I am sorry to - say--but our climate is so very damp, and London so smoky--that they - have been cleaned. - - _All._ Cleaned! - - _Titian._ My Bacchus and Ariadne! Oh my tints! Oh my glazings! A - picture of mine cleaned! - - _Rubens._ My Peace and War! Cleaned! say flayed rather. I know your - cleaners. Oh wasted labour; reputation obscured; thoughtful work - rudely scrubbed away! - - _All._ Shame and horror! - -[Illustration: FIRST ARTIST (_who has looked in as he was passing_). How -are you? I say, Stapyton, have you heard what your “Cavalier in a -Coal-Hole” went for at Jobinson’s yesterday? - -SECOND ARTIST. No; how much, my dear fellow; how much? - -FIRST ARTIST. Why, very nearly a pound, I heard! - -OMNES (_delighted_). Hurrah!] - - _M. Angelo._ So much for your _oil-painting_. Nay--excuse me, my - Rafael--I sympathize with you; but why not work in fresco? Cheer up, - my Titian. - -[Illustration: ART AT A CATTLE SHOW. - -FIRST SMALL BOY. I say, Bill, what’s he a doing of? - -SECOND DITTO. Can’t you see he’s a-taking that old gent’s picture, and -_isn’t_ it like him?] - -[Illustration: WHAT AN ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. - -“O! look’ee ’ere, Jane, ’ere’s one of them hacrobats a-goin’ to do the -ladder-trick!”] - - _Titian._ Alas! my favourite work--my Bacchus! Cleaned! Oh Ghost of - Gonzaga! Barbarians! - - _Leonardo da Vinci._ Nay, weep not, my beloved friends and brothers. - Is it not all of a piece? Art-Unions, royal lap-dogs, condescensions - which are insults, and your great pictures ruined and destroyed. Why - should you wish to exist in a country where your works have been - impotent to implant the seeds of Art, or aid in their growth and - nurture. - - _Titian._ _Oimè_ for Venice. - - _Rafael._ Oh Roma, Roma! - - _A. Durer._ Nay--Nüremberg, also, is a town of burghers, and it is not - so with them. - - _Sir J. Reynolds_ (_aside_). I cannot console them. Their indignation - is too well grounded. I, too, am a painter, but I alone am ashamed of - my country! - - _Punch_, 1847. - -[Illustration: Our artist enjoying himself in the Highlands. * * * * “On -fine hot days, I have this to carry on my back.”] - -[Illustration: “On wet days, with my waterproof clothing, I am as -comfortable as possible.”--_Extract from a Private Letter._] - -[Illustration: “THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE (SKETCHING) SEASON.” - -PAPA. There, Henry! If you could do like that, I’d have you _taught -drawing_, my boy!] - -[Illustration: “FINE ART.” - -RURAL CONNOISSEUR. He’s a p’intin’ two pictur’s at once, d’yer see? -’Blest if I don’t like that there little ’un as he’s got his thumb -through, the best!] - -[Illustration: “BROTHER BRUSH.” - -SHIP-PAINTER. Nice dryin’ weather for our business, ain’t it, sir? - -AMATEUR (_disconcerted_). Ya-a-s! - - [_Takes a dislike to the place_] - -[Illustration: MAKING THE BEST OF IT. - -To artists who have big pictures returned on their hands:--“If you can’t -live _by_ them, live _under_ them!”] - -[Illustration: ONE REASON, CERTAINLY! - -FIRST ARTIST. Who’ll be the next Academician? - -SECOND ARTIST. Oh, Faddler, my dear fellow, unquestionably! - -FIRST ARTIST (_incredulous_). Nonsense! - -SECOND ARTIST. Oh, there’s no doubt about it! A very good fellow, you -know, and he’s lived a long time at St. John’s Wood!] - -[Illustration: ÆSTHETICS. - -FADSBY (_in agony; he’s a martyr to the decorative art of the nineteenth -century_). Oh! Mrs. Grabbit--I really must--implore you--to remove those -chimney ornam--ugh!--those two--fictile abominations--from this room -while I remain he-ar! - - [_Of all the artis’s, Mrs. Grabbit said, as she’d ever let - her apartments to, he was the most partic’lar._] - -[Illustration: A BROAD HINT. - -STUMPY ARTIST (_to friend with a Government appointment and lots of -time_). Come and see my picture; can’t you come in the daytime early? -And look ’ere: do you know a tall, handsome, gentlemanly-looking fellow, -with a light beard and moustache, who would sit to me for my Hungarian -Chief?] - -[Illustration: PLEASANT FOR JACK DAUBS, WHO IMAGINES THAT HIS DRAWINGS -ARE RATHER TURNERESQUE. - -FIRST ART CRITIC. I do b’lieve he’s a-painting the sky. - -SECOND DITTO. Noa, he ain’t. He’s a-painting them people. - -THIRD DITTO. Noa, he’s a-doing sommut out of his head.] - -[Illustration: FLATTERING! - -FIRST RUSTIC. ’Str’or’nary way o’ gettin’ yer livin’! Ain’t it, Joe? - -SECOND DITTO. Aye, that ’t be, William. _Cripples_ o’ some sort, most on -’em, you may depend!] - -[Illustration: OUR ADVENTUROUS ARTIST - -Sketching on the Cornish coast, he has taken precautions against -slipping over the rocks. Our artist is seen, from below, by the learned -German Professor Longbauer, who, after he made the most of it in his -_Travels_, described this incident as an instance of the cruel treatment -of their political prisoners by the English Government!] - -[Illustration: ART AND SCIENCE. - -MAHLSTYCK (_who has been at it all day for a week making a -pre-Raphaelite study of seashore_). I say, some of you fellows in the -gunboat yesterday very nearly hit me once or twice! - -JACK TAR. Lor, was that you sittin’ here yesterday, sir? Why, you was so -still we thought you was a bush or summut--we was _practisin’ at you_!] - -[Illustration: AN EYE FOR COLOUR. - -1ST ART STUDENT. Fine sunset that, Jack, but fancy I’ve seen it before. - -2ND DITTO. Of course; decided crib from Turner. Saw it at a glance!] - -[Illustration: IGNORANCE _WAS_ BLISS. - -WAITER. Yes, sir. We had a gentleman here, only last week, as took a -sketch of that very ’ill, sir. - -ARTIST (_abstractedly_). Oh, indeed! Was he an artist? - -WAITER (_indignantly_). Oh, no! sir--a perfect gentleman.] - -[Illustration: OUR ARTIST - -IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, -AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE’S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS -TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN - -ART-CRITIC (_loq._). The picture looks better a goodish bit off, -gov’nour! - -ARTIST (_maddened_). Con-found--So do you, sir! - - [_Party makes off hastily, “not liking the looks of him.”_] - - - - -[Illustration: SCULPTURE & COMEDY - -“Well, there’s one thing: ’e’s well _broke_!”] - - -[Illustration: THE VENUS OF MILO; OR, GIRLS OF TWO DIFFERENT PERIODS. - -CHORUS. Look at her big foot! Oh, what a waist!--and what a ridiculous -little head!--and _no_ chignon! She’s no lady! Oh, what a fright! -(Period 1869.)] - - -PYRAMUS AND THISBE - -A TRAGIC BALLAD - - I sing not now in joyous strain, - To suit these mirthful pages; - Mine is a tale of love and pain, - Black blood and by-gone ages. - - Some people’s wit is small indeed-- - But smaller still must his be, - Who’s never had the luck to read - Of Pyramus and Thisbe. - - I do not write for such a dunce, - My task would be in vain; - Let those who’ve blubbered at it once, - Now read, and weep again. - - Of all the beauties of the East, - Fair Thisbe was the star, - And Nature gave her--last not least-- - A very cross mamma. - - Next door there lived a “nice young man,” - One Pyramus by name; - And laughing Cupid soon began - To kindle up the flame. - - Then came soft words and softer sighs, - And “hearts for ever true,” - And radiant eyes, like summer skies, - And little _billets-doux_. - - Next Thisbe ’d ask to go and walk, - Upon some sly pretence, - And then they’d meet alone, and talk - Across the garden-fence. - - At last her mother caught her out-- - And scarlet grew her forehead. - “My stars! miss, what are you about? - Good gracious me, how horrid!” - - She locked her up--our hero, too, - Was lectured by his father: - “Do that again, sir! just you do! - And won’t I whop you--rather!” - - He begged and prayed: the governor - Still gave that answer gruff-- - “Lord; what’s the good of lovin’ her? - A boy like you, sir! stuff! - - “Come, get along! what’s all this fuss? - Let’s have no more, sir, pray!” - With broken heart poor Pyramus - Turn’d in despair away. - - He moped all day, and talked to none, - Through dim and lone woods wending; - Men cried, “If this be lover’s fun, - Our hearts are worth defending!” - - When day was done, the night again - Brought visions of his fairy: - Alas! how vain the tender pain, - “_In statu pupillari_.” - - He cried, “Oh this is hard, indeed-- - I mayn’t caress my love, nor - With blameless word win blameless meed-- - O cruel, cruel guv’nor!” - - I said, you know, some time ago, - Their houses stood contiguous; - Not _dos-à-dos_, but in a row-- - I hate to be ambiguous. - - Well, little Love, who’s up to snuff, - In pitying mood, one day, - Proposed a plan; and sure enough - They tried, and found it pay. - - He whispered in the ear of each, - “=Seek out some little hole in - Your wall, through which your lover’s speech - May echo most consoling=.” - - They searched above, they searched below, - To find affection’s keyhole; - Till--just when all appear’d “no go,” - They found a little wee hole. - -[Illustration] - - A rotten brick had come in two-- - They saw the cranny--nay, more. - They saw their love by peeping through, - Ah! “_Quid non sentit amor?_” - - They poked the useless brick away - By digging out the mortar; - And there they passed the livelong day - In whispers and “soft sawder.” - - Then, Thisbe ’d cry, “Oh dear, oh dear, - My eyes are full of dust, love; - You must come round and kiss me here, - Indeed, indeed, you must, love.” - - And then, poor Pyramus would say, - “God bless me, how can this be? - I’ve kissed a dirty lump of clay, - And not my pretty Thisbe! - - “Bad wall, bad wall! thy chink is small, - Thy big stones almost hide her: - Why leave the little hole at all - Unless a little wider? - - “O will you meet me quite alone - To-morrow night, my dear, - Beyond brass-gated Babylon - Where walls can’t interfere. - - “Let’s meet by nine, at Ninus’ tomb, - Under the mulberry-tree, - The moon that lights the sunless gloom - Shall light my love to me.” - - ’Tis night--the moon has flung her beam - Far down the glowing wave, - Where rolls Euphrates’ silent stream - Fast by the monarch’s grave:-- - - The night-wind bids the forest groan - And leafy branches reel;-- - But, Lord! Who’s this--and all alone-- - In such a _déshabille_. - - ’Tis Thisbe! hear it, wise mammas, - The lesson’s told concisely,-- - Don’t bother Love by bolts and bars, - Or you’ll be diddled nicely! - -[Illustration] - - For though her mother--cross old cat-- - Had safely locked her in, - _She_ knew a trick worth two of that, - And didn’t care a pin. - - She soon escaped--no matter how-- - And ere the bell tolled nine, - Sat trembling where the forest bough - Danced in the pale moonshine. - -[Illustration: “INGENUAS DIDICISSE,” AND SO ON. - -URBANE FOREIGNER. The--ah--contemplation of these--ah--relics of ancient -art in the galleries of Europe, must be most int’r’sting to -the--ah--educated American! - -AMERICAN TOURIST. Wa’al, don’t seem to care much for these _stone gals_, -somehow, stranger!] - - She sat and watched the waters roll, - And more impatient grew:-- - At last she heard a horrid growl,-- - “Oh, dear, what shall I do?” - - “Speak, Pyramus! Where are you! Oh, - I hear that growl again! - How can you leave your Thisbe so? - You must--you must be slain!” - -[Illustration] - - She’d hardly done, when trotting by, - A lion fresh from slaughter, - With black blood drenched, and savage eye, - Came from the woods to water. - - Poor Thisbe shuddered at the sight, - Not relishing his “ivory”; - “Besides,--especially to-night-- - It’s very hard to die--very! - - “I’ll run and hide behind an oak, - My stars! just hear him swallow; - I’d better first throw off my cloak, - I wonder if he’ll follow!” - - The lion on a hawthorn spray - Descried the mantle dangling, - She’d washed it out that very day, - He stopped--and did the mangling. - -[Illustration] - - But ah! the brute was hardly gone - When Pyramus drew near-- - “My Thisbe! Where’s my love--my own-- - Good gracious me! what’s here? - - “Oh, Thisbe, dearest, are you dead; - Can this orn robe say true? - All pawed and clawed and bloody red,-- - My love, I’ll follow you!” - - Then out he drew his shining blade, - “Grim Death--a friend art thou-- - My folly’s slain earth’s fairest maid! - I’ll not survive--so now!” - - With that, he gave a deadly dig, - Another, and one more, - Then kicked and hollo’d like a pig-- - And his short life was o’er. - - Poor Thisbe! fancy how she cried - To find her lover struck;-- - “Great Gods! I’ll slumber by his side, - The darling, darling duck!” - - She snatched the weapon from the wound, - And bared her snowy breast; - Once gazed in maddening grief around, - And then--we know the rest! - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration: AT THE GREAT EXHIBITION OF 1861. - -SARAH JANE. Lawks! Why it’s hexact like our Hemmer!] - -[Illustration: POPULAR HISTORY. - -GUIDE. That heffigy of them two halabaster habbots in ’elmets hare from -a tomb in the Habby of St. Holive’s, founded by ’Enery the fust Tooder, -fort’n ’undred ’n heighty-seven. Their mortal remains was haxumed by -horder hof the R’yal Hantiquarian Serciety seventin heighty-three; their -bodies was found himbammed, and henwelluped in jules! - - [_Procession moves on._] - -[Illustration: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT! - -“MOTHER” (_at South Kensington_). Executed in ---- Tut-t-t-t! Lauk a -mussy, ’Liza! what did them foreigners want to ’ang that poor -innocent-lookin’ young creetur’ for!!?] - - * * * * * - -A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many -other curiosities, a rusty sword. “This,” said he, “is the sword with -which Balaam was going to kill his ass.” One of the company observed -that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. “You are -right,” replied the student, “and this is the very sword he wished -for.” - -[Illustration: A FLAGRANT ATTEMPT. - -Jones prepares a little surprise for his Mary Ann, and has his -equestrian portrait taken. He remarks, “’Ang it, you know, if I do have -my carte done, I don’t see why I shouldn’t ’ave my ’orse!”] - - - - -[Illustration: FUNNY FILMS - - Humours of - Photography. - -PHOTOGRAPHER’S TOUT. ’Ave yer photograph took, my lord? - -WAG. No, we’re too ugly. - -PHOTOGRAPHER’S TOUT. Many a true word spoke in jest, mates.] - - -[Illustration] - - -PHOTOGRAPHIC FAILURES - -One of the advantages or disadvantages, as the case may be, of many -photographic portraits, is, that they fade away by degrees, and thus -keep pace with those fleeting impressions or feelings under which it is -sometimes usual for one to ask another for his or her miniature. It may -be a strong recommendation of cheap photography, that its pictures will -last as long as the ordinary run of small affections, and, indeed, a -superior specimen of the art may be warranted to retain its outline -throughout a flirtation of an entire month’s durability. We had our own -portrait taken by the cheap process a short time ago, when we received -the above copy of the state of the portrait through a period of an -entire fortnight. - -The three specimens shown above represent our portrait when recently -done; the same after it had been in existence a week, and the same after -the expiration of an entire fortnight. The following pathetic ballad was -appended to the specimens which we have given above:-- - - Behold thy portrait!--day by day, - I’ve seen its features die; - First the moustachios go away, - Then off the whiskers fly. - - That nose I loved to gaze upon, - That bold and manly brow, - Are vanish’d, fled, completely gone-- - Alas! where are they now? - -[Illustration: BOBBY’S CAMERA: _S^{O}ME·EFFECTS·HE·GOT·WITH·IT_.] - - Thy hair, which once was black and bright, - Much worse than grey has grown; - Indeed, I scarce can say ’tis white, - For ’t has completely flown. - - Those speaking eyes, which made me trust - In all you used to vow, - Are like two little specks of dust-- - Alas! where are they now? - -[Illustration: INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A PHOTOGRAPH.--I. - -By a Friend of the Family.] - -[Illustration: INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A PHOTOGRAPH.--II. - -The Valuable Result.] - - But, ah!--thy portrait of thy love - Is but a type, no doubt, - And serves its fickleness to prove, - For soon ’tis all wiped out. - - Thy hair, thy whiskers, and thine eyes, - Moustachios, manly brow, - Have vanished as affection flies-- - Alas!--where is it now? - - _Punch_, 1847. - -[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT!] - -[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT! - -Ingenious Jones sits for his portrait to a peripatetic photographer, and -cunningly places himself exactly between the apparatus and the -unconscious Oriana, whom he worships at a respectful distance, and whose -likeness he would fain possess. - - [_On this page the reader will - find, all framed and glazed, for - 3s. 6d. complete, Ingenious - Jones’s Happy Thought’s result._] - -[Illustration: PLEASANT FOR SIMPKINS! - -PHOTOGRAPHER (_to Mr. Simpkins_). Keep your head steady, please, sir, -and look in the direction of those young ladies. Steady now, sir! Don’t -wink, sir! - -MRS. S. (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). Just let me see him -wink!!] - -[Illustration: UNANSWERABLE. - -OLD GIRL. Oh, I’ve brought back these cartes of mine, Mr. Kammerer. My -friends are very dissatisfied. They---- - -PHOTOGRAPHER. Dear me, mum, I’m extremely sorry; I thought the portrait -very---- - -OLD GIRL. Oh! impossible; it’s hideous!] - -[Illustration: CAN THE CAMERA LIE? - -GEORGINA (_in riding habit_). Well dear! I declare it’s the very image -of you! I _never_! - -SARAH JANE (_who insists upon seeing the plate_). Like me? for goodness’ -sake don’t be ridiculous, Georgina. I think it’s perfectly absurd! Why, -it has given me a stupid little turn-up nose, and a mouth that’s -absolutely enormous!] - -[Illustration: THE ARTISTIC (!) STUDIO. - -_A Stereoscopic Scene from Fashionable Life in 1857._ - -“_Love, Pride, Revenge._” The group represents a young minstrel of -humble origin, declaring his passion to a lady of noble parentage. Her -haughty brother, as may be seen from his menacing attitude, is about to -avenge the insult offered to his family!] - - -THE PHOTOGRAPHS - -[Illustration] - - To-day I was let sit up, tucked up in a quilt in a arm-chare. I soon - got tired o’ that, so I ast Betty to get me a glass o’ ice-water to - squench my thirst, an’ when she was gone I cut an’ run, an’ went into - Susan’s room to look at all them fotografs of nice young men she’s got - there in a drawer. - - The girls was all down in the parlour, ’cos Miss Watson had come to - call. Betty she came a huntin’ me, but I hid in the closet behind a - old hoop-skirt. I come out when she went away, and had a real good - time. Some o’ them fotografs was written on the back, like this: - “Conseated fop!” “Oh, ain’t he sweet?” “He ast me, but I wouldn’t have - him.” “A perfect darling!” “What a mouth!” “Portrait of a donkey!” - - I kep about two dozen o’ them I knew, to have some fun when I got - well. I shut the drawer so Sue wouldn’t notice they was took. I felt - as if I could not bare to go back to that nasty room, I was so tired - of it, an’ I thought I’d pass my time a playing I was a young lady. I - found a lot o’ little curls in the buro, wich I stuck on all around my - forehead with a bottle of mewsiledge, and then I seen some red stuff - on a sawcer, wich I rubbed onto my cheaks. When I was all fixed up I - slid down the bannisters plump against Miss Watson, wot was sayin’ - good-bye to my sisters. Such a hollerin’ as they made! - -[Illustration: “Have you ever been photographed, Uncle?” - -“Yes, Tommy.” - -“What for?”] - -[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A DISTINGUISHED PHOTOGRAPHER, - -Who has just succeeded in focussing a view to his complete -satisfaction.] - - Miss Watson she turned me to the light, an’ sez she, as sweet as pie: - - “Where did you get them pretty red cheeks, Geordie?” - - Susan she made a sign, but I didn’t know it. - - “I found some red stuff in Sue’s drawer,” sez I, and she smiled kind - o’ hateful, and said: - - “Oh!” - - My sister says she is an awful gossip, which will tell all over town - that they paint, wich they don’t, ’cause that sawcer was gust to make - roses on card-bord, wich is all right. - - Sue was so mad she boxed my ears. - - “Aha, missy!” sez I to myself, “you don’t guess about them fotografs - wot I took out o’ your drawer!” - - Some folks think little boys’ ears are made on purpose to be boxed--my - sisters do. If they knew what dark and desperate thoughts come into - little boys’ minds, they’d be more careful--it riles ’em up like - pokin’ sticks into a mud puddel. - -[Illustration: A PHOTOGRAPHIC PICTURE. (1853.) - -OLD LADY (_who is not used to these new-fangled notions_). Oh, sir! -please, sir! don’t, sir! Don’t for goodness’ sake fire; sir!] - - I laid low--but beware to-morrow! - - They let me come down to breakfast this mornin’. - - I’ve got those pictures all in my pockets, you bet your life. - - “Wot makes your pockets stick out so?” ast Lily, when I was a waiting - a chance to slip out unbeknone. - - “Oh, things,” sez I, an’ she laughed. - - “I thought mebbe you’d got your books and cloathes packed up in ’em,” - sez she, “to run away an’ be a Injun warryor.” - - I didn’t let on anything, but ansered her: - - “I’ll just go out in the backyard an’ play a spell.” - - Well, I got to town, an’ had a lot of fun. I called on’ all the - aboriginals of them fotografs. - - “Hello, Georgie! Well agen?” said the first feller I stopped to see. - - Oh, my! when I get big enuff I’ll hope my mustaches won’t be waxed - like his’n! He’s in a store, an’ I got him to give me a nice cravat, - an’ he ast me “Was my sisters well?” so I fished out his fotograf, and - gave it to him. - - It was the one that had “Conseated Fop!” writ on the back. The girls - had drawed his mustaches out twict as long with a pencil, an’ made him - smile all acrost his face. He got as red as fire, an’ then he skowled - at me: - - “Who did that, you little rascal!” - - “I should say the spirits did it,” I said, as onest as a owl, an’ I - went away quick cause he looked mad. - - The nex plaice I come to was a grocery store, where a nuther young man - lived. He had red hair an’ freckles, but he seemed to think hisself a - beauty. I said: - - “Hello, Peters!” - - He said: - - “The same yourself, Master George. Do you like raisins? Help - yourself.” - - Boys wot has three pretty sisters allers does get treted well, I - notiss. I took a big hanful of raisins an’ sot on the counter eating - ’em, till all at oncest, as if I jest thought of it, I took out his - fotograf an’ squinted at it, an sez: - - “I do declare it looks like you.” - - “Let me see it,” sez he. - - I wouldn’t for a long time, then I gave it to him. The girls had made - freckles all over it. This was the one they wrote on its back, “He - asked me, but I wouldn’t have him.” They’d painted his hair as red as - a rooster’s comb. He got quite pale when he seen it clost. - -[Illustration: ENCOURAGEMENT OF ART. - -FIRST CURLED AND POWDERED DARLING (_to photographer_). You’d better take -pains with these ’ere _carte de visites_, as they’ll be a good deal -shown about. - -SECOND CURLED AND POWDERED DARLING (_on the sofa_). Yes--pertiklerly in -the hupper suckles. Get you customers, you know.] - - “It’s a burning shame,” sez I, “for them young ladies to make fun of - their bows.” - - “Clear out,” sez Peters. - - I grabbed a nuther bunch o’ raisins an’ quietly disappeared. I tell - you he was rathy! - - Mister Courtenay he was a lawyer, he’s got a offis on the square by - the cort-house. I knew him very well, ’cause he comes to our house - offen. He’s a awful queer-lookin’ chap, an’ so stuck up you’d think he - was tryin’ to see if the moon was made o’ green cheese, like folks sez - it is, the way he keeps it in the air. He’s got a depe, depe voice way - down in his boots. My harte beat wen I got in there, I was that - fritened; but I was bound to see the fun out, so I ast him: - - “Is the What is It on exabishun to-day?” - - “Wot do you mean?” sez he, a lookin’ down on me. - - “Sue said if I would come to Mister Courtenay’s offis I would see wot - this is the picture of,” sez I, givin’ him his own fotograf inskribed, - “The Wonderful What is It.” - - It’s awful funny to see their faces wen they look at their own cards. - - In about a minit he up with his foot, wich I dodged just in time. I - herd him muttering suthin’ ’bout “suing for scandal.” I think myself I - oughter arrest her for ’salt an’ battery, boxing my ears. I wisht he - would sue Sue, ’twould serve her right. - - I’ll not get to bed fore midnight if I write enny more. I’m yawning - now like a dying fish. So, farewell my diry till the next time. I give - them cards all back fore dinner-time. There’ll be a row, I expect. - I’ve laughed myself almost to fits a thinkin’ of the feller wot I give - “The Portrait of a Donkey” to. He looked so cress fallen. I do - believe he cried. They were teazin’ ma to let ’em give a party nex’ - week wen I got home to dinner. I don’t believe one of them young - gentlemen will come to it; the girls have give ’em all away. I don’t - care tuppence. Wot for do they take such libertys with my ears if they - want me to be good to ’em. - - P.S.--I bet their left ears are burning wuss’n ever mine did! - -[Illustration: ARTIST! (_photographic_). You’ve rather a florid -complexion, sir, but (_producing a flour dredger, to the old gentleman’s -horror_) if you’ll take a seat, we’ll obviate that immediately.] - -[Illustration: ARTFUL! - -Dodge of little Sperks, showing how parties below the middle height, by -the use of miniature background furniture, may gain a more imposing -stature in the _carte de visite_.] - -[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE. - -PHOTOGRAPHER. Now, sir! ’ave yer cart de visit done?] - -[Illustration: PHOTOGRAPHIC BEAUTIES. - -“I say, mister, here’s me and my mate wants our fotergruffs took; and -mind, we wants ’em ’ansom, cos they’re to give to two ladies.”] - - - - -_WANDERING MINSTRELS_ - - -[Illustration: CHRISTMAS WAITS.] - - -MRS. BROWN AND THE GERMAN BAND - - Oh, I don’t think as I ever did ’ave sich a ’ead-ache as that arter - we’d been to ’Ampton Court, as I do believe a-settin’ on the grass ’ad - struck to me, and cold weal and ’am pie and cowcumber is wittles as - along with lobster salad and red currant tart you did ought to be - cautious ’ow you takes, and not ’urry thro’ it with all that - confusion, and you don’t know what you are a-takin’. And young ’Awkins - as were attentive to me kep’ a-fillin’ up my plate and glass every - time as I turned my ’ead away a minit, as ’ave know’d ’im from a - child, and what with the confusion at the train a-gettin’ back, I were - that dizzy as I got into the wrong cab, as thro’ a mistake drove me - werry near to Nottin’-’ill afore I could make the stupid feller - understand as I wanted South Lambeth, and then to stand me out as I - said Bayswater. - - It was past one in the mornin’ when I got ’ome, and ’ad to knock Brown - up, as were that savage, and all his own fault thro’ not a-lookin’ - arter me at the Waterloo Station, thro’ ’avin’ got out at Wauxall, as - is certingly nearest, thro’ bein’ not five minits from our door, yet - ’ow was I to know as we’d got parted a-gettin’ into the train, and me - that dead beat as to fall asleep the werry moment as I were in the - train, and never opened my eyes till the man come for the ticket, and - a nice trouble I ’ad to find mine and every one in the carriage - a-goin’ on at me as is their larkin’ ways of a Sunday night. - - Well, as I said afore never did I ’ave sich a ’eadache, as were - downright splittin’, and openin’ and a-shettin’ jest like water-works. - I ’adn’t took no dinner, so was a-thinkin’ as I’d ’ave a early cup of - tea, and was a-settin’ quiet in my front parlour with the blinds - drawed down, a-thinkin’ as I might get a nap and be fresh for my tea. - -[Illustration: THE DIVISION OF LABOUR. - -How would it be if they changed instruments?] - - I’d put my feet up on the sofy, as isn’t a thing as I do one time in a - thousand, and was a-droppin’ off, when of all the ’owlin’, gruntin’ - and squeakin’ noises as ever you ’eard it broke out in our street. I - says, “they must be lunatics broke loose, a-makin’ free with them - hinstruments, as wouldn’t never make that noise left to theirselves or - used proper.” - - I gets up and goes to the winder, and I see about four of them German - boys a-playin’ away on trombones, like mad, and one on ’em a-tryin’ - our gate. - - So I knocks at the winder, and shakes my ’ead at ’im, he opens the - gate and comes in up to the winder as I opens, and says, “Go along. I - don’t want no more of your noise.” - - He goes on with ’is gibberish rubbish, and I only says to ’im, “Get - out!” and shets down the winder. - - Well, them young waggerbones kep’ on a-blowin’ and ’owlin’, like any - one in tortures till I couldn’t stand it no longer, so I opens the - winder ag’in, and ’olds up a jug of water, as the gal ’ad brought me - up for the plants, a-making believe to throw it over ’em, when one of - them ’Opwoods as lives next door, comes out and tells ’em to go on - playin’ and give ’em money. - - The row as they kicked up, then, a-blowin’ right at me with them big - ’orns of theirn did so aggravate me that I took and chucked all the - water slap among ’em, and if one of them young wretches didn’t pick up - a big stone and shiver a pane of glass in my front parlour in a - jiffey. - -[Illustration: CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. - -NEW CHAMBER OF HORRORS AT MADAME TUSSAUD’S. (_The right man in the right -place._) Don’t be afraid, you little goose! it’s only wax-work! Why, _I_ -recollect when people like that were allowed to go loose about the -streets!] - - I couldn’t stand that, so ketches up the fust thing as come to, and as - proved to be the ’arth broom as ’angs with the kittle ’older, and out - of the ’ouse I rushes. - - Well, them boys took to their ’eels, when they see me comin’ out of - the door, and run a little way, and then stopped and picked up stones - and sent a reg’lar wolley at me. - - I ducked my ’ead in course, as they all went over right into old - ’Opwood’s Green-’ouse, as he jest ’ad put up ag’in ’is parlour. - - I never ’eard sich a crash, nor yet sich a roar as old ’Opwood give - like demented lions, and out he come on the doorstep, jest as them - boys sent a second wolley of stones, and one ketched ’im slap in the - mouth, and down he went like a dead un, and them young scoundrels was - off like the dust afore the wind as the sayin’ is. - - If all them ’Opwoods didn’t come out on the doorstep, and give me - their Billinsgate, for the old feller’s got two reg’lar brimstones of - daughters, besides ’is old wife as is a reg’lar old dragon of Wantage. - - They all yells at me “’ow dare you set them boys on to destroy our - property.” - - I says, “Me set the boys on? I was a-drivin’ them away with their - beastly noise a-distractin’ any one, as you’ve been encouragin’.” - - “They was playin’ beautiful,” says one of them Miss ’Opwoods, “my - favourite Waltz.” - - I says, “So I should think jest the music fit for you to dance to,” - for she’s forty-five, and got a ’ump back, and as ugly as she’s - wicious. - -[Illustration: NOTHING LIKE ADVERTISING YOURSELF.] - - “Oh, you old cat,” she says to me, a-gnashin’ ’er teeth, “’ow I should - like to tear your old wig off.” - - I says, “No doubt, for I’m sure you wants one bad enough.” - - “Come in Julia,” says the old mother. “Don’t talk to that low old - woman.” - - “Yes,” I says, “Go in Julia, and ’elp your ma skin the cat.” - - Down the steps come the old woman, and says, “You audacious falsehood; - I’ll punish you.” - - I’d got to my gate by that time. So I says to ’er, “Stand off you wile - filthy old wretch, don’t dare cross my doorstep!” and ’olds up the - ’arth broom at ’er. - - Her two daughters, a-seein’ me threatenin’ ’er come up, and says, “Ma, - dear, come in.” - - “Yes,” I says, “Ma dear, do, or else the police may come by, and you - may get give in charge ag’in as you was the week afore last,” for the - old man ’ad been ’ad up for cruelty to animals twice. - - They was all a-goin’ to fly out when a bobby come round the corner, - and as soon as they see ’im, they made faces at me, and was a-goin’ - off. - - I says, “Oh, pray don’t ’urry, here is the police.” - - I says to the perliceman, “’Ave you ’ad any one up lately hereabouts - for cruelty to animals”; and in they goes and bangs their doors; and - well they might, for that wicked old wretch had been destroyin’ of - cats brutally, and they’d fined ’im for it; and I do believe as the - old woman did use to skin cats, for she wore a fur tippet in the - winter as was cats’ skins all over. - - But law, ’ow singler things do come ’ome to parties sometimes, to be - sure; for it wasn’t but the next Sunday evenin’ arter, as I were alone - in the ’ouse, and went out in the front jest to look at some stocks as - Brown ’ad planted the night afore, when I thought as I ’eard groans - from next door, as is ’Opwood’s. - -[Illustration: SKETCH FROM A STUDY WINDOW.] - - I listens, and says to myself, “That’s some one in pain or I’m a - Dutchman.” So I goes closer to their wall and ’ears them groans and - smells burnin’. - - So knowin’ as somethink were wrong I ’urries to their door and knocks, - but no one a-comin’, I says, “They’re all gone out,” and was a-goin’ - away, for I didn’t ’ear no more groans, but I smelt the burnin’; so I - says, “No doubt I shall only get insults for my pains, but I’ll try - and go in and see what’s amiss.” So I makes my way round to their back - door, as were only on the latch, and in I goes, and the smell of - burnin’ was downright sickenin’; I goes straight into the front - kitchen, and there was old ’Opwood a-layin’ in the fender a-roastin’ - as ’ad fell out of ’is chair in a fit. - - I ’auls ’im up, and never did see sich a sight as one side of ’is face - and all ’is neck and shoulder. The boy jest then come round with the - eight o’clock beer, so I ’ollers to ’im to run for a doctor, and I got - ’old ’Opwood some’ow into ’is chair, as was quite insensible. - - As luck would ’ave it, the doctor jest round the corner were at ’ome, - and come at once, and we got the old man’s burns dressed, as I - considers there’s nothink finer than whitin’, as the doctor agreed to. - - If you’d seen that old Mother ’Opwood’s face and ’er daughters, when - they come in jest on ten and found me a-lookin’ arter that old man, as - we’d got up on to a sofy in the front parlour. - - She begun to scream and holler at fust, and then said as I’d been and - done it. - - I wasn’t the least put out with ’er, but only says to ’er daughters, - “Keep ’er quiet”; which they did by draggin’ on ’er up-stairs, where - they kep’ ’er, and I must say, as they spoke werry ’andsome to me, as - stopped along with the old man till jest on twelve. - - I didn’t think as the old man would ’ave lived thro’ it, but he did, - and ’ad his senses back, and able for to talk by the end of the week, - and told us as he remembered a-pitchin’ forard ag’in the bars a-tryin’ - to get a light for ’is pipe. - - He never will be the same man as he were, but it’s been a lesson to - ’im and to them, too, not to leave him alone, nor yet to be that - insultin’ to a neighbour as they have been to me, a-doin’ everythink - to annoy me, and turnin’ me into every redicule as the ’uman ’art can - think on. - - But they’ll never encourage them orgins and bands as they did use to, - and ’ave them inside their gardin’ to play when I’d sent them away, - and no doubt we should get on better for the future to come, but I’m - glad as we’re a-goin’ to move away, and all as I wants is to part - friends, for as to livin’ friendly next door to them I never could. - - _Fun_, 1868. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - -STREET MUSICIANS - -By OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - You’re sitting on your window seat - Beneath a cloudless moon; - You hear a sound that seems to wear - The semblance of a tune, - As if a broken fife should strive - To drown a cracked bassoon. - - And nearer, nearer still, the tide - Of music seems to come, - There’s something like a human voice - And something like a drum; - You sit in speechless agony, - Until your ear is numb. - - Poor “Home, Sweet Home” would seem to be - A very dismal place; - Your “Auld Acquaintance,” all at once, - Is altered in the face; - Their discords sting thro’ Burns and Moore, - Like hedgehogs dressed in lace. - - You think they are crusaders sent - From some infernal clime, - To pluck the eyes of Sentiment - And dock the tail of Rhyme, - To crack the voice of Melody - And break the legs of Time. - - But, hark! the air again is still, - The music all is ground, - And silence like a poultice comes - To heal the blows of sound; - It cannot be--it is, it is-- - A hat is going round! - - No! pay the dentist when he leaves - A fracture in your jaw, - And pay the owner of the bear - That stunned you with his paw, - And buy the lobster that has had - Your knuckles in his claw. - - But if you are a portly man, - Put on your fiercest frown, - And talk about a constable - To turn them out of town; - Then close your sentence with an oath, - Then shut the window down! - - And if you are a slender man, - Not big enough for that, - Or if you cannot make a speech - Because you are a flat, - Go very quietly and drop - A button in the hat! - - - - -[Illustration: THROUGH THE OPERA GLASSES - -THE OPERA. - -BOX-KEEPER. Stalls 216 and 217. This way, ma’am; last row, ma’am. - -Won’t you like a book, ma’am?] - - -THE BOHEMIAN GIRL - -ADAPTED TO THE MEANEST CAPACITY - - - Miss Rainforth, one day - Having gone out to play, - (Then a very young lady) was hurried, - By a shocking fierce man, - From a vagabond clan, - Away to the green-room, quite flurried! - - This abduction, so free, - Was lamented in D, - With a pathos quite like Catalani, - By her father, Arnheim, - Who sung out in slow time; - (Count Arnheim was play’d by Borrani). - - But, lo! after act one, - Without help of the “sun,” - Or (as Wordsworth has said) of the “shower,” - This damsel so nice, - With a very sweet voice, - Grew twelve inches in less than an hour! - - And, having now seen, - Summers full seventeen, - Her heart could not wholly withstand - The very soft “sawder” - Of a dashing marauder - Named Harrison--one of the band. - - So the maid, in reply, - After heaving a sigh, - Sang a song--now the darling of Fame, - Which, if not quite grammatical, - Was very poetical, - That Harrison “lov’d her the same.” - - As we’ve all heard a few - Of the stories so new - About gipsies and children, I ween, - I need scarcely relate, - How a fortunate fate - Gave Borrani again his Arline. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - Suffice it to say, - In a summary way, - That a chain, round her neck which she wore, - By a stern new policeman, - Accustomed to seize men, - Was carried a justice before: - - That she knew not the theft; - That the chain was a gift - From her supposititious mamma; - And this damsel so nice, - (With a very sweet voice) - In the magistrate found her papa! - - We have then, a third act; - A most curious fact; - Which none understood, till they knew - The author had thought, - That in justice he ought - A _moral_ to add to the two. - - So a lesson he gave - (This poet so grave,) - To singers and men; and the fall - Of Miss Betts, at the end, - By the hand of a friend, - Was felt as the moral by all. - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration] - - -“TURNED OUT” - -At a Cosmopolitan Club they were discussing the relative position of -various countries as musical centres. Germany seemed to have the most -votaries, much to the evident displeasure of one excitable Italian. -“Italy is turning out the most musicians, and has always turned out the -most,” he cried. - -“Ach Gott!” exclaimed one of the Germans. “Can you blame her?” - -[Illustration: WHAT INDEED? - -DOOR-KEEPER. Beg your pardon, sir--but you must, indeed, sir, be in full -dress! - -SNOB (_excited_). Full dress!! Why, what do yer call this?] - -[Illustration: “FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER.” - -MATRON IN STALLS (_reads from programme_). “Overture to L’Ongfong -Prod-eeg.” What does that mean? The prodigious child, eh? - -ACCOMPLISHED DAUGHTER (_shocked_). Mamma, dear! No--“L’Enfant -Prodigue”--it means the infant prodigy!!] - -[Illustration] - - -RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OPERA - -BY W. M. THACKERAY. - - I’ve known a god on clouds of gauze - With patience hear a people’s prayer, - And, bending to the pit’s applause, - Wait while the priest repeats the air. - - I’ve seen a black-wigg’d Jove hurl down - A thunderbolt along a wire, - To burn some distant canvas town, - Which--how vexatious!--won’t catch fire. - - I’ve known a tyrant doom a maid - (With trills and _roulades_ many a score) - To instant death. She, sore afraid, - Sings; and the audience cries encore. - - I’ve seen two warriors in a rage - Draw glist’ning swords, and--awful sight!-- - Meet face to face upon the stage - To sing a song, but not to fight! - - I’ve heard a king exclaim “To arms” - Some twenty times, yet still remain; - I’ve known his army ’midst alarms, - Help by a bass their monarch’s strain. - - I’ve known a hero wounded sore - With well-tuned voice his foes defy; - And warbling stoutly on the floor, - With the last flourish fall and die. - - I’ve seen a mermaid dress’d in blue; - I’ve seen a Cupid burn a wing; - I’ve known a Neptune lose a shoe; - I’ve heard a guilty spectre sing. - - I’ve seen, spectators of a dance, - Two Brahmins, Mahomet, the Cid, - Four Pagan kings, four knights of France, - Jove and the Muses--scene Madrid. - - _Punch_, 1843. - -[Illustration: WE DON’T SING ENOUGH. - -Sailors sing at their work. Why don’t clerks, lawyers, doctors, brokers, -and shopkeepers? It would add to the variety of life.] - -[Illustration: THE HIGH NOTE.] - -[Illustration: THE LOW NOTE.] - - -A WOMAN’S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN - - I think Miss Juliet in the play - A forward little minx - (And Mrs. Grundy likes to say - What Mrs. Grundy thinks). - Her conduct with R. Montague - Seems perfectly absurd, - Such bold and brazen language, too, - I think I never heard. - - I think Othello led a tame - And wretched kind of life, - With Desdemona What’s-her-name-- - His namby-pamby wife. - To run away--at such an age-- - And with a negro, too! - Such conduct even on the stage, - I think I never knew. - - I think that, as to Beatrice, - Her husband was a flat - For looking for a life of peace - With such a wife as _that_. - Her conduct wasn’t over strict - For all her length of jaw; - And such a muff as Benedict - I think I never saw. - - I think, when Portia’s lovers came - And played at pitch and toss, - The gentleman who won that dame - Contrived to gain a loss. - I think Emilia was a shrew, - And Rosalind ill-bred; - (But “As you Like It,” _entre nous_, - I think I never read). - - I think Macbeth was led astray - By wicked Lady M. - And those three witches. By the way, - I don’t think much of _them_. - I think Ophelia--that’s a fact-- - The best of all the set; - But anybody quite so crack’d - I think I never met. - - _Fun_, 1865. - -[Illustration: BROWN (_thinking of her age_). Perfect voice that girl -has--she’s only twenty-two. - -JONES (_thinking otherwise_). Twenty-two what--stone?] - -[Illustration: CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. - -HIGH ART BELOW STAIRS.--COOK. Sh--sh--! _Moderato_, Susan! _Affettuoso_, -Jim! _Ben marcato il basso_, Mr. Raffles! _Bravi tutti! Da capo!_] - -[Illustration: GENTLE REBUKE. - -OLD GENTLEMAN. How charmingly that young lady sings! Pray, who composed -the beautiful song she has just favoured us with? - -LADY OF THE HOUSE. Oh, it is by Mendelssohn. - -OLD GENTLEMAN. Ah! One of his famous “Songs without Words,” I suppose. - - (MORAL.--_Young ladies, when you sing, pronounce your words carefully, - and then you will not expose unmusical old gentlemen to making such a - ridiculous mistake as the above._)] - - -THE ONION GIRL - -(AFTER TENNYSON’S “LADY OF SHALOTTE.”) - - -PART I. - - On either side of Market-street - Small stalls of vegetables meet - Domestic eyes; and voices sweet - And voices hoarse their hearing greet - With cries of “Buy my fine shalots!” - And up and down the million goes; - Gazing where, in varied rows, - Green stuff lies, and each nose knows - The odour of shalots. - - Widows cheapen, urchins chatter, - Little vagrants make much clatter; - Vulgar boys cry, “_Who’s your hatter?_” - And this time, the night of Satur- - Day’s the joy of all the sots. - Bright blue eyes, lips like the cherry, - Rosy cheeks, that ringlets bury, - Had an Irish girl, from Derry, - A girl who sold shalots! - - To the market, peas and beans - Heavy lumbering machines - Bring thrice a week, also greens; - And ’tis prime fun to watch the scenes - At the biddings for the lots. - But who hath seen _her_ buy her stock - Of onions, or white-headed broc- - Oli, before four of the clock, - That girl who sells shalots? - - Only peelers, walking early - (One there is a great, big, burly - Fellow, who is always surly, - And wouldn’t even let a cur lie - Down in shelter’d corner spots); - Or, by the dawn, some loose young city - Clerk, home reeling, hears the ditty - She oft sings--says “_’Tis that pretty - Girl who sells shalots!_” - - -THE ONION GIRL - - -PART II. - -(_A change comes o’er the spirit of the O.G._) - - Now she flaunts by night or day, - In gorgeous dress and ribbons gay: - Conscience often whispers “nay!” - But love of finery cries “_yea_.” - Calling conscience “horrid rot!” - She knows not what the end may be, - And so she hath a “jolly spree,” - But little other care hath she-- - That girl who sold shalot! - - And now, before a mirror clear, - She learns each wily glance and leer; - Then puts an earring in each ear, - And donning some fast, flashy gear, - Starts for some den that London blots. - There the vicious eddy whirls; - And there is vice in gold and pearls; - And there are jewelled, wretched girls, - Who’d scorn to sell shalots! - - Sometimes a troop of swells--drunk--mad - (Who’d call a sober man a cad)-- - Bring in a very verdant lad, - And teach him everything that’s bad, - And stain his soul with cank’ring spots. - And there she sits, with eyes so blue, - Loudly and lightly chatted to; - Oh! she was brighter, _happier too_, - When she cried, “Fine shalots!” - - For she must suffer many slights-- - May never more know home’s delights-- - Can scarcely claim a woman’s rights; - Must writhe beneath the scorn that blights - Such cheerless, weary, dreary lots; - And dies, at last, by some road-side; - Or, urged by sin’s despairing pride, - _She sinks beneath the murky tide-- - That girl who sold shalots!_ - - _Fun_, 1864. - -[Illustration] - - -END OF VOLUME VIII. - - Butler & Tanner, Frome and London. - - - - -Transcription of texts inside illustrations - - -Page 24. - - I cannot tell, what you and other men - Think of this life; but, for my single self, - I had as lief not be, as live to be - In ~awe~ of such a ~thing~ as I myself. - - -Page 25. - - OWING TO A SPRAINED ANKLE, AN ACTRESS PLAYED CARMEN IN A BATH CHAIR - - SIGNOR BELLOWNI HAD A SORE THROAT THE OTHER NIGHT, BUT HE PLUCKILY - WENT THROUGH HIS PART WITH THE AID OF A MACHINE - - ARE YOU RIGHT SIR? - - ALTHOUGH SUFFERING FROM A SEVERE ATTACK OF GOUT, M^{R} BUSKIN PLAYED - ROMEO MANFULLY - - AITCHOO! - - INFLUENZA DID NOT PREVENT M^{R} YELLOWCHEEK FROM GOING THROUGH HIS - FAVOURITE PART OF HAMLET LAST NIGHT - - SIGNOR SQUALLO HAS BEEN CONFINED TO HIS BED WITH PNEUMONIA, BUT WE ARE - GLAD TO SAY HE WAS ABLE TO MAKE A VERY SUCCESSFUL APPEARANCE AS - MEPHISTOPHELES - - SUCCESS ATTENDED SIGNOR TOPNOTO’S IMPERSONATION OF TRISTAN, THOUGH HE - WAS NURSING A BAD COLD IN THE HEAD. - - -Page 27. - - “HOORAY!” “SPLENDID!” “BRAVO!” - - STEALS SOMEONE ELSE’S GIRL - - “WELL DONE!” “I HOPE HE WON’T BE FOUND OUT!” “HOW DARING HE IS!” - - STEALS HER FATHER’S PICTURES - - “GOOD!” “ISN’T HE A SPORTSMAN!” “WHAT A SPLENDID FELLOW!” - - STEALS HER TIARA - - “FINE!” “I HOPE HE’LL ESCAPE!” “HOW NOBLE!” - - ESCAPES FROM POLICE IN A MOTOR CAR - - -Page 31. - - THE LIGHTING OF THE HOUSE IS SURE TO RECEIVE ATTENTION - - MR BUSKIN M.P. HURRIES TO THE HOUSE AFTER A MATINÉE TO VOTE FOR HIS - PARTY - - “DISGRACEFUL COSTUME” “OUGHT NOT TO BE ALLOWED!” “LOWERS THE DIGNITY - OF THE HOUSE!” - - DIGNIFIED EXIT OF M^{R} GARRICK-KEAN M.P. AFTER AN UNSUCCESSFUL - ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THE ATTENTION OF THE HOUSE. - - “CHAIR” “BOO” “ORDER” - - “NO MATTER-R-R! A TIME WILL COME!” - - “WHERE’S THE PROMPTER?” - - A MAIDEN SPEECH - - “HA! HA!” “HA! HA!” “HA! HA!” - - EFFECT OF A LOW COMEDIAN ON THE HOUSE - - -Page 32. - - WE SHALL SOON SEE ACTORS WEARING MASKS OUT OF DOORS - - THE ACTOR-MANAGER WILL REFUSE LIMELIGHT - - “THIS PART OF THE STAGE WILL DO FOR ME” - - THIS WILL BE A QUITE USUAL OCCURRENCE ON FIRST NIGHTS - - “M^{R} GARRICK-KEAN IS NO LONGER IN THE HOUSE!” - - THE GENERAL APPEARANCE OF THE ACTOR WILL CHANGE FROM THIS-- TO THIS-- - - THIS MAY POSSIBLY HAPPEN - - “NO, I’VE TAKEN ONE CALL, LET SOMEONE ELSE GO FORWARD NOW!” - - -Page 35. - - “BE OFF, OR I’LL CALL IN THE POLICE!” - - “WHAT CHEEK!” - - “WANTS TO BUY A SEAT!” - - “WHAT IMPUDENCE!” - - WHEN BUSINESS IS GOOD - - “LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT, SIR!” - - “DO TAKE A PROGRAMME, SIR!” - - “ANY SEAT YOU LIKE, SIR!” - - “COME IN MY DEAR SIR. DON’T GO AWAY!” - - WHEN BUSINESS IS BAD - - -Page 39. - - “COME AND LUNCH WITH ME AT THE ACTORS’ CLUB” - - “HULLO, OLD MAN, SEEN ME IN MY NEW PART? BIGGEST SUCCESS OF MODERN - TIMES!” - - “HULLO, DEAR BOY, SEEN MY ROMEO? FINEST EVER KNOWN--BRINGS THE HOUSE - DOWN EVERY NIGHT!” - - “I TELL YOU, OLD BOY, MY SHOW IS THE FUNNIEST IN LONDON. I’M SIMPLY - GREAT IN IT!” - - “SMITH’S HAMLET ISN’T IN IT WITH MINE!” - - “COME AND LUNCH WITH ME AT THE ACTORS’ CLUB” - - -Page 56. - - IT IS A STRANGE IDIOSYNCRACY OF CERTAIN THEATRE-GOERS THAT THEY WILL - HUSTLE AND PUSH AND FIGHT TO LEAVE THEIR SEATS BEFORE THE CURTAIN GOES - DOWN-- - - --IN ORDER TO STAND AT THE ENTRANCE AND PREVENT OTHERS FROM LEAVING - THE THEATRE - - -Page 57. - - CALL BOY - CHARWOMAN - SUPERS - STAGE CARPENTER - SCENE SHIFTERS - BOOT MAKER - TAILOR - UPHOLSTERER - WIG MAKER - LIMELIGHT MAN - PROMPTER - GAS FITTER - TROMBONE - - -Page 116 top. - - LITERATURE: we shall all be run down & devoured!!--there won’t be a - bit of us left for succedding ages!--the dogs nowadays have got such - large Capacities!! - - Left hand baby: FIRST STEPS TO LEARNING - - Right hand baby: READING MADE EASY - - -Page 116 bottom. - - Flag: We are the boys - - Book title: NEW HORN BOOK EVERY MAN his own TRUMPETER. - - -Page 118. - - Girl: You see Gran Ma, before you suct this Egg, or, more properly - speaking before you extract the matter contained within this shell by - suction, you must make an incision at the Apex & a Corresponding - aperture at the base. - - Grandma: Aye, Dear--How very clever!!--they only used to make a hole - at each end in my time--Well I declare they are making improvments in - everything. - - Book: WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN - - Books in toy basket: amongst others THEOLOGY, SHAKESPEARE, EUCLID, - BOYLE, BENTLEY, MILTON, HUME - - -Page 178. - - Now mind, you are to make me appear as usgly as you can--aye--you may - stare!--but you must know that I am the only one that dislikes - flattery. In fact, I want every-body to laugh at me--so the more - ridiculous you make methe better I shall like it - - It’s an odd request! But I’ll do my best - - -Page 190 top. - - WAITING FOR A SEAT - - THE FIGHT ROUND THE TEA ROOM - - Charming! - How nice - How pretty! - Quite nice - - TRYING TO GET A GLIMPSE OF THE PICTURES - - OH MY HEAD! GOING - - HOME - - NEXT DAY - - -Page 249. - - Pa. By Bobby - Ma. By Bobby - Grandpa. By Bobby - Sister. By Bobby - - -Page 287. - - ♫ SING HO! FOR THE LIFE OF A CLERK ♫ - ♫ TRA-LA ♫ - - ♫ WE ARE BARRISTERS BOLD AND FREE ♫ - ♫ YES BOLD AND FREE ♫ - ♫ WHO SO FREE IN THE LAND! ♫ - - ♫ WE’VE GOT NO WORK TO DO-O ♫ - ♫ OH A LIFE ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE ♫ - - ♫ THE LIFE OF A TYPIST IS GAY ♫ - ♫ TRA-LA-LA! ♫ - - ♫ MERRY SHOP GIRLS ARE WE ♫ - I SAID HANDKERCHIEFS - - ♫ YO-HO! YO-O HO! ♫ - ♫ NOW WHO’S FOR THE BA-ANK! ♫ - - - - -Transcriber’s Notes - - - Depending on the hard- and software used, not all elements may display - as intended. - - Inconsistencies and unusual spelling have been retained. - - The transcriptions of the texts inside illustrations have been made - for this e-text. - - Some missing and incorrect punctuation has been added or corrected - silently, as have been some obvious printer’s errors. - - On page 74/75, 176/177 and 252/253 references to the illustrations and - captions on the opposite page have been deleted. - - Page 84: ... the muffs who loat ... has been changed to ... the muffs - who gloat .... - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage, Study & Studio, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO *** - -***** This file should be named 52614-0.txt or 52614-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/6/1/52614/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Harry Lamé and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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