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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..bea95cf --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #52614 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/52614) diff --git a/old/52614-0.txt b/old/52614-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e338542..0000000 --- a/old/52614-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,6737 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage, Study & Studio, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Stage, Study & Studio - The Fun Library - -Author: Various - -Editor: J. A. Hammerton - -Illustrator: Fred Barnard - W. S. Brunton - George du Maurier - and others - -Release Date: July 21, 2016 [EBook #52614] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Harry Lamé and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - Transcriber’s Notes - - Texts printed in italics in the source document have been transcibed - _between underscores_. Blackletter and underlined texts have been - transcribed between =equal signs= and ~tildes~ respectively. - Superscript texts are represented as ^{text}. Small capitals have been - converted to CAPITALS. - - -[Illustration: THE ARTIST.--It’s no good making that noise, my good -fellow. As I told you just now, being a landscape-painter, I don’t want -models. - -(_From a drawing by Philip Baynes._)] - - - - - The Fun Library - - - [Illustration] - - _Edited by_ - _J.A. Hammerton_ - _Editor of the - Punch Library - of Humour_ - - STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO - - As pictured by FRED BARNARD, W. S. BRUNTON, GEORGE DU MAURIER, ERNEST - GRISET, CHARLES KEENE, JOHN LEECH, PHIL MAY, GORDON THOMSON, H. M. - BATEMAN, J. L. C. BOOTH, W. K. HASELDEN, PHILIP BAYNES, THOMAS - MAYBANK, CHARLES PEARS, and many other humorists of the pencil. - - LONDON: EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO L^{td} - -[Illustration: VOL VIII] - - - - -PREFACE - - -The life of what still passes in London for “Bohemia”--in and about the -theatres, the studios and the literary clubs--figures conspicuously in -the pictorial humour of our time. It is but natural that the artist in -search of inspiration should occasionally turn his attention to his own -immediate surroundings, and find subjects for his art in the comic -representation of his fellows of the brush and pencil, his friends the -authors and the actors, and not infrequently, himself! Some of the most -pointed jokes of Keene, Du Maurier and Phil May introduced “the artist,” -and in the case of the last mentioned he usually depicted his own form -and features, as Cruikshank was fond of doing more than half a century -before him. - -This tradition has been well maintained among the artists of a later -day. We shall find that a very considerable proportion of the humorous -art of the moment concerns itself with the sayings and doings of our -Bohemians--a term, by the way, that indicates a very mild and -inoffensive variety of an almost extinct type of character. - -The Bohemian of the twentieth century is a much more wholesome person -than his prototype of the middle of the nineteenth. He may be still as -irresponsible, as unconventional in his manners, but he is at least -clean and less apt to degenerate into the “sponger.” He of the older -generation provided picturesque material for the humorist of the -pencil; but the stage, the study, and the studio still furnish much -matter for mirth, as the admirable work of Mr. W. K. Haselden, Mr. Bert -Thomas, Mr. H. M. Bateman, Mr. J. L. C. Booth, Mr. Charles Pears, and -other living artists of note, represented in the present collection, -bear ample witness. - -It is obvious from the Index that this volume contains a most -representative survey of its subject, and is probably second-to-none in -THE FUN LIBRARY for the high spirits and good humour which it reflects. -The collection ranges from the day of Cruikshank onward, and presents -many examples of such talented artists of the past as Fred Barnard, Du -Maurier, Keene, Leech, Phil May, Doyle, and many others, as well as -examples of Mr. Gordon Thomson, the veteran survivor of the merry men -who made _Fun_ and _Judy_ serious rivals of _Punch_ fifty years ago. - -The sources from which the illustrations have been drawn are much the -same as those that have provided the other volumes of THE FUN LIBRARY. -In the present volume there is a particularly fine selection from the -work of Mr. Haselden, reprinted here by special permission of the editor -of _The Daily Mirror_, and it also contains an important series by the -late Phil May, reprinted by arrangement with _The Sketch_, while we are -indebted to Mr. Gilbert Dalziel for permission to use a considerable -number of excellent items from _Fun_ and _Judy_, with which journals he -was so long and honourably associated. To Mr. Punch’s collections of the -“’sixties” we owe the numerous examples of Leech, Keene and Du Maurier -at their best. - -In brief, it may be claimed for “Stage, Study and Studio” that the -collection is fully up to the high standard we have sought to maintain -in all the volumes of THE FUN LIBRARY. - - J. A. H. - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: INDEX] - -TO THE ILLUSTRATIONS - - - PANTOMIMICS - PAGE - - Rehearsing the “fish” ballet 1 - Billy and Bunny 3 - Winning the gloves 4 - Modern languages taught in one lesson 5 - Theatre Royal--Nursery 6 - An ex(bus)horse-tive argument 7 - A pict-ure 8 - A swallow out of season 9 - “With a neck like that” 11 - Experienced young fellow 12 - Two transformation scenes 13 - Not the correct way of pudding it 15 - Humanizing influence of pantomime 16 - - - ON THE STAGE AND OFF - - Prompt but not prepared 17 - A wordless story 18 - English as she is spoke 23 - Cassius 24 - Acting under difficulties 25 - Ever-popular criminal on the stage 27 - On the stage--and off 28-9 - When actors are Members of Parliament 31 - When actors become modest 32 - “Still running” 33 - The part of Hamlet 34 - Good and bad business at the theatre 35 - “A little padding” 37 - The actor’s one topic--himself 39 - A side-box talk 40 - The bald baron 41-4 - - - FUN AT THE PLAY - - “Are you sitting on my hat?” 45 - Delights of theatre-going 46-7 - “Not so long as four solos” 49 - A little ruse 50 - A morning concert 52 - Pit, boxes, and gallery 54 - Playgoers and their eccentricities 56 - Credit where credit is due 57 - A “civil” retort 58 - - - AMONG THE AMATEURS - - At a fancy ball 61 - Private theatricals 63 - Private theatricals at the Titwillows’ 65 - - - THE POETS’ CORNER - - Portrait of a gentleman 67 - The poets illustrated 69 - No! Don’t 70 - The poets illustrated 74 - “Mariar Martin, or the Red Baarn” 75 - An illustrated edition of the poets 77-9 - Poets and their patrons 80 - - - MAINLY ABOUT AUTHORS - - Would-be novelist 85 - Lady Audley’s secret 86 - Perfect sincerity, or, thinkings aloud 88 - The ancient Britons 88 - A rural study 89 - “The great cypher work” 90 - Author’s miseries 92-7 - Harris-ing reflections 99 - “Hemily Fitz-Hosborn” 100 - - - THE EDITOR IN HIS DEN - - The editor at home 101 - Romance of advertising 103 - “Pirates surprised at sunset” 104 - Fancy portrait--Oliver Twist 105 - A fact! 106 - A new reading 111 - - - STUDIES FROM THE STUDY - - “He’s sent the books” 113 - Returned--with thanks 114 - A queer cut 115 - The pursuit of letters 116 - Grand march of Intellect 116 - Catalogue of the letter P. 117 - The age of intellect 118 - Subject for a picture 119 - An awful apparition 121 - The musical neighbour 123 - British Museum catalogue 124 - Analytical papers 125 - “Couldn’t read Miss Frump’s new book” 127 - The philosopher’s revenge 129-136 - - - FUN IN THE STUDIO - - “Present company always excepted!” 137 - “Very tiring” 138 - Wholesale 139 - “Qualifications” 140 - Behind the scenes 141 - “Asking for it” 142 - The commercial side 143 - Gaddy’s academy picture on view 144 - “Flattering” 145 - Profession and practice 146 - A rapid genius 147 - “English langweege” 148 - “Only their mothers” 149 - For exhibition? 150 - Pretty innocent 151 - “Aye, there’s the rub!” 152 - “Work hard and get your own living” 153 - March of science 154 - The real 154 - Pleasures of the studio 155 - A happy medium 155 - The ideal 156 - Two principal figures 157 - Answers for our artist 158 - The mother of invention 159 - Kindly meant 160 - “Where’s your beard?” 160 - How some old painters must have worked 161 - Studio persuasion 162 - “A portrait painter” 163 - Model husband and a lay figure 164 - Marvellous! 165 - A visit to the studio 166 - Scene in a studio 167 - Ballet of action 168 - Turps _v._ Turpitude 169 - One use for “Dundrearys” 169 - Accommodating! 170 - “Lucky fellow!!” 171 - “Noblesse oblige!” 172 - Our art-school conversazione 173 - “Only one spur a-piece” 174 - “Sharp’s the word” 175 - The sympathies of art 176 - Under a great master 176 - “Sent it to the wash!” 177 - “Ugly and as ridiculous as possible” 178 - Perfect sincerity; or, thinkings aloud 179 - Easily satisfied 180 - Compliments of the season 181 - “Skyed” 182 - - - ROUND THE GALLERIES - - Caution 183 - Painters and gazers 185 - An artist’s dream 186 - “Athletic exercises” 187 - Let them exhibit their pictures outside 188 - Pleasures of the Royal Academy 189 - Art in the National Gallery 190 - Outside the Royal Academy 191 - Charming fashion of long skirts 192 - “Unto this last” 193 - “Very like--very like” 194 - The umbrella question 195 - Pictures of the English, painted by the French 196 - A-musing 197 - Perhaps 198 - Reception of pictures at Royal Academy 199 - Our historical portrait gallery 200-1 - A study 202 - Overheard at the Academy 203 - Suggestions for the Royal Academy catalogue 206 - - - THE ARTIST OUT OF DOORS - - “It’s an ill wind,” etc. 207 - The old cottage 208 - The elysium of artists 209 - “A pretty prospect” 210 - Possibilities of a penny pistol and a box of caps 211 - Technical and practical 212 - “Impertinent curiosity of the vulgar” 213 - “That pre-Raphaelite fellow” 214 - Where ignorance is bliss 215 - Design for an album 216 - Studying skies 217 - Culture for the million 218 - An artist scamp in the Highlands 220 - Ingenious protection against midges 221 - Sketching from Nature 222 - “Very nearly a pound” 223 - Art at a cattle show 224 - What an artist has to put up with 224 - Enjoying himself in the Highlands 225 - “Compliments of the (sketching) season” 226 - “Fine Art” 227 - “Brother Brush” 228 - Making the best of it 229 - One reason, certainly! 230 - Æsthetics 230 - A broad hint 231 - Pleasant for Jack Daubs 231 - Flattering! 232 - Our adventurous artist 233 - Art and science 234 - An eye for colour 235 - Ignorance _was_ bliss 235 - Our artist 236 - - - SCULPTURE AND COMEDY - - “Well broke!” 237 - Venus of Milo 238 - “Ingenuas didicisse” 241 - At the great exhibition of 1861 243 - Popular history 244 - Capital punishment 245 - A flagrant attempt 246 - - - FUNNY FILMS: HUMOURS OF PHOTOGRAPHY - - “Many a true word spoke in jest” 247 - Bobby’s camera 249 - Interesting group posed for a photograph 250-251 - Happy thought 252-253 - Pleasant for Simpkins 254 - Unanswerable 255 - Can the camera lie? 256 - The artistic(!) studio 257 - “What for?” 259 - Portrait of a distinguished photographer 260 - A photographic picture 261 - Encouragement of art 263 - “A florid complexion” 265 - Artful! 266 - Subject for a picture 267 - Photographic beauties 268 - - - WANDERING MINSTRELS - - Christmas waits 269 - Division of labour 271 - Culture for the million 273 - Nothing like advertising yourself 275 - Sketch from a study window 277 - - - THROUGH THE OPERA GLASSES - - The opera 281 - What indeed? 284 - “French without a master” 285 - We don’t sing enough 287 - The high note 288 - The low note 289 - “Only twenty-two” 291 - Culture for the million 292 - Gentle rebuke 293 - -[Illustration] - - -CHIEF ARTISTS REPRESENTED - - ADAMS, JACK. 29. - BARNARD, FRED. 9, 69, 74, 76-9, 99, 115, 147, 160, 169, 176, 206, 220, - 244. - BATEMAN, H. M. 3, 208, 288-9, 291. - BEDE, CUTHBERT. 58. - BOOTH, J. L. C. 50, 90, 138, 190. - BRENTNALL, E. F. 212. - BROMLEY, V. W. 146. - BROWNE, W. G. A. 234. - BRUNTON, W. S. 154, 185, 235, 296. - BULL, RENÉ. 18. - COOPER, T. G. 155. - CRUIKSHANK, GEORGE. 24, 54, 116, 118, 178, 216, 279, 280. - DAUBENY, HESKETH. 104. - DOYLE, RICHARD. 84, 124, 200-1, 209, 269. - DU MAURIER, GEORGE. 65, 67, 89, 129-136, 141, 157-9, 192, 218, 229, - 238, 252, 253, 263, 271, 273, 292, 293. - GRISET, ERNEST. 161. - HASELDEN, W. K. 25, 27, 31, 32, 35, 39, 46, 47, 56, 57, 189, 287. - HOWARD, CAPT. H. R. 222. - KEENE, CHARLES. 91, 101, 139, 143-5, 168, 172, 173, 175, 182, 193, - 195, 198, 207, 213, 217, 223, 226-8, 230, 232, 233, 241, 245, 254, - 255, 265, 285. - LAWSON, F. W. 75. - LEECH, JOHN. 4, 8, 63, 70, 86, 88, 100, 114, 119, 121, 123, 155, 166, - 167, 179, 180, 196, 243, 246, 251, 256-7, 267, 268, 277, 281, 284. - LEETE, ALFRED. 45. - MAY, PHIL. 1, 11, 23, 37, 61, 137, 148, 149, 237, 247, 259. - MAYBANK, THOMAS. 81-3. - PEARS, CHARLES. 211, 249. - PROCTOR, J. 162. - SANDERCOCK, H. 106, 125, 150. - THACKERAY, WILLIAM MAKEPEACE. 286. - THOMAS, BERT. 34, 49, 191. - THOMSON, GORDON. 6, 14, 15, 16, 152, 197, 203. - WALL, A. H. 194. - WEIGAND, W. J. 17. - WRIGHT, FRANK. 215. - -[Illustration] - - -PRINCIPAL LITERARY CONTENTS - - PAGE - PLAYERS’ PRANKS 2 - EMMA AND ULPHO 19 - HUMOURS OF THE PLAYHOUSE 22 - SCENERY AND COSTUME OF THE STAGE 48 - ASS YOU LIKE IT 55 - HAMLET’S LAST SOLILOQUY 58 - AT THE MASQUERADE 60 - AMATEUR FLUTE-PLAYER 62 - ONLY SEVEN 64 - LYCEUM LYRICS 66 - THE POETS AT PLAY 68 - MOTLEY’S KINGDOM 76 - MY MANUSCRIPTS 81 - A MAN I HATE 84 - MARK TWAIN AND THE KEY 87 - HUMOURS OF THE PRINTING HOUSE 91 - HARRIS-ING REFLECTIONS 98 - HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING 102 - APPROVED BY THE EDITOR 109 - RULES FOR NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENTS 110 - LITERARY FLUNKEYISM 112 - HUMOURS OF OUR LANGUAGE 114 - MORE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING 120 - HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN 126 - A DANGEROUS WRITER 128 - PAINTERS AND GAZERS 184 - A DREAM OF UNFAIR WOMEN 204 - IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS 209 - PYRAMUS AND THISBE 239 - PHOTOGRAPHIC FAILURES 248 - THE PHOTOGRAPHS 258 - MRS BROWN AND THE GERMAN BAND 270 - STREET MUSICIANS 280 - THE BOHEMIAN GIRL 282 - RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OPERA 286 - A WOMAN’S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN 290 - THE ONION GIRL 294 - - - - -[Illustration: PANTOMIMICS - -REHEARSING THE “FISH” BALLET (A FACT). - -STAGE MANAGER. What are you, boy? - -BOY. Please, sir, I’m a whelk.] - - -[Illustration] - -PLAYERS’ PRANKS - - Practical joking might correctly be described as a remnant of the - barbaric ages, when strength and muscle received the respect we now - award to mind and brain. Indeed, it still passes current among modern - barbarians for humour, while in civilized States, where humour is - something that appeals to the intellect, joking in the practical sort - is generally regarded as buffoonery. Having admitted thus much, it may - be said that even practical joking is not all bad, and is sometimes “a - source of innocent merriment.” - - Joking of the practical kind is very often a pronounced characteristic - of the actor, as the countless stories of players and their pranks - abundantly prove. The reason for this is most likely to be found in - the fact that it requires something of the actor’s talent successfully - to carry out a practical joke, and actors, knowing they possess the - ability, are often tempted to exercise it. The name of the genial J. - L. Toole, of happy memory, will naturally occur to every one in this - connexion, and the fact of that good-hearted soul having had a strong - weakness for this diversion is ample proof that practical joking is - quite compatible with geniality of character. The stories that are - told of Toole and those which he told of himself would easily fill a - couple of volumes. For the purpose of the present chapter a typical - one will suffice. - -[Illustration: BILLY AND BUNNY. - -IRATE PARENT (_in front row_) OF SMALL BOY ASSISTING CONJUROR. -Disobedient young monkey! Why, it was only last week I forbade him to -keep rabbits.] - -[Illustration: A FANCY SCENE--WINNING THE GLOVES. - -From the grand pugilistic ballet of the fight for the championship, -which might, could, should, and ought to be played at one of the -operas.] - -[Illustration: THE MODERN LANGUAGES TAUGHT IN ONE LESSON! - -GERMAN PROFESSOR (_on “la Perche”_) _to Italian ditto below_. Be -steadier, Bill, will yer, or I’m blowed if I don’t come down!] - - The comedian once entered a dairy, and solemnly remarked to the - shopman--“I will take a boy,” with a glance at his shelves. “A boy, - sir?” asked the puzzled shopman. “Yes, or a girl,” replied the - comedian. The man never doubted but his visitor was a lunatic, and - said, mildly--“Pardon me, this is a milkshop.” “Come outside,” said - Toole, and taking the dairyman by the arm he led him out of the shop - and pointed to the sign. “I’ll take a boy or a girl,” he solemnly - repeated. “Read what your notice states--‘Families supplied in any - quantity.’” - - E. A. Sothern, the famous “Lord Dundreary,” had an insatiable - propensity for practical joking, and many are the stories of his - pranks. One of the most amusing, though, perhaps, a little cruel, - tells of his treatment of his guests on the occasion of a dinner party - to a number of congenial souls. They were all assembled but one, who - was rather late. After waiting a few minutes, the host suddenly - exclaimed--“Here he comes--let’s all get under the table--make haste.” - Anticipating a joke, they all scrambled under, except Sothern himself. - Enter guest--“Hallo! where are all the other fellows?” “Oh, they all - got under the table when they heard you coming. I’m sure, I don’t - know why.” The ignominous crawling forth one by one that ensued can - safely be left to the imagination of the reader. - -[Illustration: THEATRE ROYAL--NURSERY. - -Master Reginald’s tender years having prevented his attendance at the -Pantomime, Messrs. Tom, Charlie and Co. kindly give him a _résumé_ of -the evening’s performance.] - - It is always a good thing when we find the subject of a practical joke - joining good-naturedly in the mirth, and this we have in a story told - by the late Mr. G. A. Sala of a joke played upon him by Lord - Dundreary. “I remember going down to the Derby,” writes the famous - journalist, “in a highly festive fashion, with poor Edward Sothern, - the never-to-be forgotten Lord Dundreary. On this particular day - Sothern, the kindest, but still the most provoking of practical - jokers, was as full of mischievous pranks as an egg is full of meat. - He offered to bet me a guinea before we reached Clapham that I would - lose my temper, and lose it badly, before 2 p.m. ‘But why, my dear - Sothern,’ I asked, ‘should I lose it? The weather is beautiful, I did - my work by getting up at six this morning, I am in the best of all - good company, and I haven’t got a penny on the race.’ ‘Never mind,’ - persisted Lord Dundreary, ‘I will bet you one guinea that you will - blaze up like a vesuvian thrown into the fire before 2 p.m.’ - -[Illustration: AN EX(BUS)HORSE-TIVE ARGUMENT. - -MAZEPPA. Now, just you bang that ’bus door smarter to-night, or the old -hoss’ll never get a good start. - -CARPENTER. All right, miss. Cue’s “wild career.” - - [_N.B.--The noble steed is an old “Favourite.”_] - -[Illustration: A PICT-URE. - -Show-ing what Mas-ter Tom did af-ter see-ing a pan-to-mime--but you -would not do so--oh dear no!--be-cause you are a good boy.] - -[Illustration: A SWALLOW OUT OF SEASON. - -_Scene_--Boxing-night. - -GENTLEMAN IN FRONT (_bawling_). ’Ar-_reee!!!_ - -’ARRY, AT BACK. ’Ullo!! - -G. IN F. (_as before_). Where’s Bill-_leee!!_ - -’ARRY. Why, the young beggar’s been an’ swallered his sixpence in the -crowd, and they won’t let ’im in!] - - “It was half-past one when we reached the course, and one of the - officious red-jackets who haunt the Hill stepped forward and gave me - the customary brush down. I strolled a few paces onward, when another - red-jacket pounced down on me, and, notwithstanding my expostulations, - brushed me down again, hissing meanwhile as though he were grooming a - horse. I essayed to light a cigar, when a third brush-fiend was upon - me; but when a fourth made his appearance, brandishing his implement - of torture, the dams of my long pent-up temper broke down, and a - torrent of adjectives, the reverse of complimentary, flowed over the - fourth brush-demon. My wrath was at its height when I found myself - quickly tapped on the shoulder, and beheld the maliciously chuckling - countenance of Sothern. ‘I will trouble you for one guinea,’ he said, - and proceeded to explode with laughter. Of course he had followed me - about, and feed the brush-fiends to harry me to desperation.” - - W. J. Florence, a well-known American comedian in his day, was very - much on a par with Sothern in the matter of practical joking, and the - story of a good-natured trick he played on the latter, as related by - himself in one of his posthumous papers, is very entertaining. - “Meeting Sothern on Broadway one fine morning,” so the story goes, “I - told him that there was an oat for him at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, - taking care to pronounce my words in such a careless, inarticulate way - that the genial comedian thought I said there was a note for him at - the hostelry I had named. He accordingly started off post-haste up - town--we had met near the battery, whither we both had strolled for a - morning constitutional--to get his oat. When he reached the Fifth - Avenue Hotel and the clerk, in response to his inquiry, handed him out - the grain of oats which I had left for him, he saw the joke - immediately, and laughed at it most heartily, devoting the remainder - of the day to telling everybody he met what a capital joke Florence - had played on him.” - -[Illustration: “With a neck like that, what a fine thing it must be to -be thirsty!”] - -[Illustration: EXPERIENCED YOUNG FELLOW. Ah, Clara, you should have seen -the _Pantomimes_ that I’ve seen; these modern affairs ain’t half so -good.] - - The late Fred Leslie was another popular comic actor who, like Sothern - and Toole and so many of “the profession” past and present, was never - so happy as when planning some harmless practical joke, which was - always sure to amuse every one concerned. One of his most successful - efforts in this direction was made during his tour in America with the - Gaiety Company, and is related by the late Clement Scott in his - recollections of this celebrated comedian. - -[Illustration: TWO TRANSFORMATION SCENES. - -_Scene No. 1._--“The Rosy Realms of Boundless Bliss.” - -_Scene No. 2._--_En route_ from Rosy Realms to Rag-and-Bottle Alley, St. -Giles’s.] - - One night (says Mr. Scott) several of his _confrères_ had been invited - to a supper, and the number included the musical director of the - theatre they were then playing at. His absence from the orchestra - nearly the entire evening in question was generally commented on, and - it subsequently leaked out that he had been busily employed composing - the music of a song which he intended to submit to them for approval - before the party broke up. The night being a fine one, it was agreed - to walk from the theatre to the house of their host. The composer, - when he sallied from the stage door, was seen to have a huge roll of - music, carefully tied up, peeping from one of his overcoat pockets. - This was just as carefully abstracted, and some one was deputed to - stroll leisurely onward and engage the victim in apparently earnest - conversation, while the rest remained behind and committed the music - to memory, after which the manuscript was skilfully returned without - arousing the slightest suspicion. - - At the termination of the meal, and before the musician could reach - the piano, Leslie began to whistle a few bars of the melody, which, it - is scarcely necessary to add, attracted universal attention. When - pressed to continue, Leslie gave the air from beginning to end, and - when, at the conclusion, he remarked that it was an old English - ballad, cold beads of perspiration gathered on the forehead of the - unhappy composer. His solemn asseveration that he had that evening - written an original melody to the same air, note for note, was - received on every hand with apparent unbelief; and in order to verify - Leslie’s statement, most of those present followed his lead and sang - or whistled the composition through. The musician, we are told, was - allowed to play it over, and the resemblance, of course, was so - striking that he himself began to doubt his own sanity. But when he - came to know of the trick by which he had been bamboozled, he enjoyed - the joke as much as those who carried it out. - -[Illustration: NOT THE CORRECT WAY OF PUDDING IT. - -MASTER GUSSY. Oh, boohoo! What a shame to go throwing plum-pudding about -like that!] - -[Illustration: THE HUMANIZING INFLUENCE OF PANTOMIME. - -DEPRAVED CHILD. Oh, mamma, do look, the clown’s been and run a red-hot -poker right through that policeman--_isn’t it fun?_] - - - - -[Illustration: ON THE STAGE AND OFF - -PROMPT BUT NOT PREPARED. - -[_The call-boy has just called that distinguished amateur_ Muddle, _who -is doing_ Iago _for the first time_.] - -MUDDLE. Very odd! Knew every word of it this morning, too, but I’ll be -hanged if I can remember how it begins!] - - -[Illustration: A WORDLESS STORY.] - -EMMA AND ULPHO - -A DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS - -WRITTEN FOR EASTER, SANCTIONED BY THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN, BUT REJECTED BY -ALL THE THEATRES. - - -ACT I. - -(_A dark night. The curtain rises, and discovers nobody on the stage._) - -(ULPHO _speaks_.) How dark it is. - -(_He is answered by a hollow voice which is inaudible._) - -ULPHO. I do not feel comfortable, nor as I once did. (_Sighs._) - - (_The stage gradually fills till Ulpho is forced forward to the - footlights, which go out. The crowd parts asunder suddenly, and a - figure comes slowly forward._) - -FIGURE. (_Says nothing._) - -ULPHO. I feel chilly. - - (_Figure smiles contemptuously and puts his hands in his breeches’ - pockets. He then addresses Ulpho silently, and, after hesitating more - than once, breaks down at last altogether._) - - -ACT II. - - (_Still darker night. Graves spring their rattles and watchmen open. - Fate is seen sitting in the background in the shape of a policeman. A - glow-worm roars, and the side-scenes shake perceptibly. The moon, - which has been slowly rising, falls suddenly down._) - -[Illustration] - -ULPHO. Unfortunate moon! - -EMMA. Will you never cease to despond? - -ULPHO. Nothing on earth shall ever induce me. - - (_He takes his cap from his head, and hangs it carefully on a - hat-stand. In a fit of desperation he begins to tear his hair from his - head. Emma sinks into a swoon, and leaving Ulpho in the centre of the - stage, she goes off at both wings._) - - -ACT III. - - (_The morning breaks, and is already in many pieces. The first rays of - the sun are reflected in several hundred dewdrops which are rocking - themselves in the gently waving brush-wood. Two masks drop from the - trees and rush on each other’s swords._) - -[Illustration] - -1ST MASK. Are you dead? - -2ND MASK. Only parts of me. - -_Enter_ EMMA. - -1ST MASK. Lady, may I ask if you have any present intention of giving up -the ghost, if so, perhaps I could----? - -EMMA. I am much obliged to you, but I have already made my own -arrangements---- - -(_A pair of jack-boots are carried across the stage._) - -EMMA. Are those, perhaps, the mortal remains of my Ulpho? - -(_Ulpho enters in carpet slippers._) - -ULPHO. I am still alive, but I wear boots no more. - -[Illustration] - - (_The river rises, and a Dragoon Regiment, which has been stationed on - the opposite bank, are carried away, one by one, by the flood. Ulpho - fetches an umbrella from the side scenes._) - -EMMA. Would we could share it together! - - (_Ulpho is about to give it to her, when a thunderbolt descends, and - the umbrella falls between them._) - -ULPHO. Fate has decided otherwise. - - (_They embrace, and the curtain falls in an agitated manner._) - - -ACT IV. - -(_Enter an old man with a very broad-brimmed hat._) - -OLD MAN. Woe! Woe! - -ULPHO. What brought _you_ here? - -OLD MAN (_wildly_). Can I never preserve my incognito? - - [_He stabs himself._ - -EMMA (_regarding the body_). - - A fate like his I must admire; - How pleasant must it be to die? - Not otherwise would I expire, - And you, my Ulpho, standing by. - - [_She stabs herself._ - -ULPHO. Ah! now I feel lighter, better. - - [_He starves himself to death._ - - -ACT V. - -_Enter the Duke: A lay figure is also brought on to the stage._ - -LAY FIGURE. Behold the victims of thy revenge. - - [_Grand scena_--_Furies enter and tear the Duke slowly to pieces. The - end of the drama now approaches rapidly, and whilst everything is - trembling in every direction, the Prompter rushes on to the small - piece of stage still remaining, and stabs himself with a pair of - snuffers, and_ - -THE CURTAIN AND THE THEATRE FALL TOGETHER. - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration] - - -HUMOURS OF THE PLAYHOUSE - -[Illustration] - - The function of the stage is a much discussed question. We shall - assume that it is first and foremost a place of entertainment. Many - are the comedies, from Shakespeare’s to Shaw’s, that have tickled the - ribs of the “groundlings,” but there is also about stage performances - a frequent element of diversion supplied by effects entirely - unrehearsed. In most cases these “unrehearsed effects” assume the form - of amusing blunders, in others they may be witty impromptus on the - part of an actor or an auditor, “gags,” “wheezes,” what not! A - laughable mistake has often afforded relief to a dull play; while, on - the other hand, it may have been the means of spoiling an otherwise - effective scene. - - A curious thing about stage blunders is that, when one of the - characters makes a mistake it is almost a certainty that some other - member or members of the cast will follow suit. It is related of - Charles Matthews, the famous comedian, that if he made one mistake in - the course of a performance he was sure to commit several blunders - before the conclusion of the play; this, no doubt, arising from - over-anxiety to guard against slips. On one occasion he informed an - astonished audience that he saw “a candle going along a gallery with a - man in its hand,” and later in the play he stated that he had “locked - the key and put the door in his pocket.” - - John Kemble, according to an anecdote told of him in Tom Moore’s - _Diary_, once made a very ludicrous mistake. He was performing one of - his most famous parts at some country theatre, and, as is common in - some provincial temples of the Drama, a child had been making its - presence very pronounced by emitting the shrill noises peculiar to the - average infant. At last Kemble could bear the infantine interruptions - no longer, and advancing to the front of the stage he assumed his most - tragic air and said--“Ladies and gentlemen, unless the play is - stopped, the child cannot possibly go on.” Kemble’s audience on that - occasion was not like the one in San Francisco in its early days. An - opera company was performing in the rowdy city of the “Pacific Slope,” - when a child in the auditorium created a great disturbance. The burly - gold-seekers, who mainly composed the audience, ordered the players to - stop till the child was finished with its entertainment, as an - infant’s voice was such a rarity in the Wild West at that time that it - awakened pleasant memories of the old home and tugged at the - heart-strings of the rough-and-ready miners. This is a genuine - instance of the play being stopped and “the child going on.” - -[Illustration: ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE. - -TOUCHSTONE (_to Stage Manager_). ’Ow do you expect me to speak my lines -correct with all that ’owling and ’ooting and ’issing going on in -front?] - -[Illustration: CASSIUS.] - -[Illustration: ACTING UNDER DIFFICULTIES. - -The public insist on seeing their stage favourites, even when they are -not quite fit. A well-known actress sang “Carmen” from a bath-chair -recently. What next?] - - A very amusing mistake is laid to the credit of Quin. On one occasion, - while he was acting “Judge Balance” in _The Recruiting Officer_, he - addressed Mrs. Peg Woffington in these terms-- - - “Sylvia, what age were you when your dear mother married?” - - Peg made no reply to the embarrassing query, so Quin proceeded-- - - “I ask you what age you were when your mother was born?” - - Thus going from bad to worse. The actress fortunately did not lose her - presence of mind, and replied-- - - “I regret I cannot answer your question; but I can tell you how old I - was when my mother _died_.” - - Amusement is frequently afforded by some member of the audience losing - himself in the play, and fancying that the scene before him is a page - from real life. When such incidents occur, they form excellent - testimonials to the dramatic abilities of the actors. A striking - instance of this kind is related in connexion with the late Fanny - Kemble. It occurred while she was appearing in Philadelphia as - “Juliet.” She had just repeated the lines-- - - What’s here? A cup close in my true love’s hand? - Poison, I see, has been his timeless end-- - - when a tall, lanky, medical student in a stage box, who had evidently - been deeply absorbed in the scene, thrust his hat on his head in great - excitement, crying out in a voice that could be heard all over the - theatre--“Keep him up, Juliet; I’ll run and fetch the stomach pump.” - - An incident of a similar nature occurred many years ago at the London - Princess Theatre. A well-known conveyancer, noted for absence of mind, - during a performance of _Macbeth_, one of the witches replying to the - Thane, that they were “doing a deed without a name,” started up - exclaiming, to the bewilderment of the audience--“A ’deed without a - name’! Why, it’s void. It’s not worth sixpence!” The last time Kean - played _Louis XI_ at the Edinburgh Theatre Royal, a young Irishman who - had been sitting spellbound in the stalls, after the attendants had - proclaimed, “The King is dead!” exclaimed, “And may the Lord have - mercy on his guilty soul.” - -[Illustration: THE EVER-POPULAR CRIMINAL ON THE STAGE. - -Criminals (on the stage) are extraordinarily popular. In real life, we -do not like being stolen from. On the stage, we love to see a fine, -dashing criminal stealing from other people. The worse he is, the louder -we applaud him.] - -[Illustration: ON THE STAGE-- --AND OFF.] - - Sometimes a voice from the “gods” may be the means of swamping a play. - This was the case with the only dramatic piece ever written by Miss - Braddon, the famous novelist. In one of the acts a child was kidnapped - from its mother, and at the end, when all the characters in the play - were being made happy, the restoration of the child was taken for - granted. This was a dramatic mistake, and while suited for a novel, - was not to be accepted in the theatre. The omission passed unnoticed - for half a minute after the fall of the curtain; then one of the - “gods” leaned over the gallery and coolly inquired--“What about the - kid?” The piece was doomed in the uncontrollable peals of laughter - that followed. - - Instances where members of a cast, through ignorance or forgetfulness, - take some scene or dialogue literally, are most mirth-moving, if - somewhat rare. A highly entertaining instance of this kind occurred - once when John Kemble was playing _Hamlet_ in a country town. An - actor, who was sustaining the part of “Guilderstein,” was, or imagined - himself to be, a capable musician. “Hamlet,” in the usual course of - the play, asked him-- - - “Will you play upon this pipe?” - - “My Lord, I cannot.” - - “I do beseech you.” - - “Well, if your lordship insists upon it, I will do as well as I can.” - - And to the great consternation of “Hamlet” and the amazement of the - audience, he proceeded to play “God Save the King.” - - A delightful piece of literalism is told about a property man who on - one occasion was deputizing at a rehearsal of _Macbeth_ in which a - well-known actor was filling the title rôle. Here is a scrap of the - dialogue-- - - _Property Man._ As I looked towards Birnam, anon, methought the wood - began to move. - - _Macbeth_: Liar and slave! - - _P.M._: S’help me bob, sir, the blokes told me to say so. - - To ludicrous instances there is no end; but perhaps one of the most - comical occurred in a wretched little French theatre during the time - of the first Revolution. Madame de Larme, who was playing “Juliet” on - the occasion, was lying in the death scene on a tombstone. Outside, it - was raining in torrents. A drop came through the roof and fell on - “Juliet’s” nose. She made a face. Another drop found its way to her - eyelid. She winked. Finally, she took to watching the drops and - dodging them. The situation was at once appreciated by the audience, - and it sympathized with the actress. - - “Look out, Mrs. Juliet,” said one fellow, “there’s a big one coming. I - see it.” - - “Mind your eye,” said another. - - “Madame,” said a third, rising, “will you accept my umbrella?” - - But “Juliet” bore up bravely to the end, and finished the scene amid - the applause of a sympathetic audience. - - In a Glasgow theatre some forty years ago, the playgoers were treated - to a very diverting scene that was not in the programme. The play was - _After Dark_, and in one of the acts there is a very exciting railway - scene in which a train crosses the stage just as one of the characters - who has been tied to the rails is released. The manner in which the - train is manipulated is very simple. A number of men, concealed behind - it, run across the stage. On this occasion the man who was working the - engine tripped and fell, carrying the engine with him, when about - halfway across the stage. The man in charge of the tender, not having - time to clear out of the way, fell over the engine-keeper, and the - third fell over him, the curtain being run down on the most exciting - railway disaster that ever occurred in Stageland, the audience - laughing heartily the while. - -[Illustration: WHEN ACTORS ARE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT.] - -[Illustration: WHEN ACTORS BECOME MODEST.] - -[Illustration: COMEDIAN. Is your play still running? - -TRAGEDIAN. No--but the manager is!] - - At a theatre in Glasgow the writer witnessed a very amusing incident - in the course of a representation of _Theodora_ by Miss Grace - Hawthorne’s Company. There is a tremendously “bluggy” scene in this - drama, which closes with the heroine standing in the middle, while a - collection of corpses strew the stage. On the night in question the - drop curtain refused to perform its office, and after coming half-way - down complacently stuck there. The dead bodies lay in dreadful - suspense for some time, and then in despair got up and walked off! - -[Illustration: BILL. See that cove, ’Arry? He takes the part of Hamlet. - -’ARRY. Well, good luck to him if the bloke’s in the right.] - - While this immensely delighted a nineteenth-century audience as an - absurdity, it appears to have been quite the custom on the Restoration - Stage, when players “died” in front of the curtain and were either - carried off or walked away afterwards! This is seen from the famous - epilogue spoken by Nell Gwynne in Dryden’s _Tyrannick Love_. She - played a serious part on this occasion, and in the last act stabs - herself twice, and dies. She lies dead on the stage; then, when the - bearer comes to carry her off, she starts to her feet, exclaiming-- - - “Hold! Are you mad? You damned confounded dog! I am to rise and speak - the epilogue.” - -[Illustration: GOOD AND BAD BUSINESS AT THE THEATRE. - -When a play is a success the theatre-goer is treated with less -consideration than when it is a failure. In the latter case he is -overwhelmed with attention and kind words.] - -[Illustration] - - Stage “waves” have often afforded no little amusement to the audience. - The troubled ocean is simulated on the stage by a number of men lying - on their backs under a painted canvas, kicking their legs and throwing - their arms about with a certain amount of regularity, the men being - blindfolded to prevent the dust getting into their eyes. During a - performance of the _Black Flag_, at Dundee, a scene in which the waves - were required was introduced and went with its usual success till one - evening the curtain got entangled with the sea-cloth, and on the - former being raised it carried the latter with it, exposing to the - view of the audience the group of wave-makers lying on their backs - vainly kicking the air. The audience, of course, screamed with - laughter, which set the wave men wondering, and, thinking something - was amiss, they unfastened the bandages over their eyes and discovered - their undignified positions, quitting the stage with the greatest - rapidity. The audience were not in a mood for settling down to watch - the surging sea after this, and the remainder of the scene was omitted - from that performance. - - In this connexion the experience of a well-known comedian who started - his career as a humble “wave,” will afford the reader some merriment. - He writes:--“At last the shipwreck came on, and I was hustled under - the sea-cloth along with a dozen other ‘supes.’ Our business was to - make the sea rise in its might and wreck the gallant ship. We had been - repeatedly cautioned at rehearsal not to use our hands, but to go down - on all fours and produce the foaming billows by ‘humping’ our backs up - and down. This was a very trying exercise; it was much easier to use - our hands, though it gave to the rolling billows a jagged and - unnatural appearance, and when the dry white paint sifted freely - through the cloth, covering us up, choking and blinding us as the - climax approached, I commenced in a fit of desperation to use my - hands, so as to dodge the foam as much as possible, and keep it from - totally blinding me. But I was soon perceived by the stage carpenter, - who instantly dived under the cloth, labouring under wild excitement, - and commenced cursing me in dumb show for not ‘humping’ my back as I - had been told to do. He was so fierce that I quickly edged away from - him. This made him worse. He signalled me to come back. I edged away a - little further, and a moment later stood up through a hole in the - cloth, as big as a barn door, in the midst of the angry breakers, and - covered from head to foot with the white powder. There was not a sound - in the house until I gave a terrible ‘chahoo!’ and suddenly dived back - under the waves. Then you could not have heard the report of an - eighty-ton gun a hundred yards away.” - -[Illustration: DISTINGUISHED AMATEUR (_who has been cast for the part of -Sir Toby Belch_). I suppose I shall want a little padding? - -COSTUMIER. Certainly. (_Shouting_) Ernest, bring down a full-size -stomach!] - - A very droll interruption occurred one evening in a St. Helens theatre - when the late Signor Foli was singing. The celebrated bass had just - finished the first verse of his favourite song, “The Raft,” when a - baby started squalling, and still continued as he began the second - verse, commencing-- - - Hark! What sound is that - Which greets the mother’s ear? - - but he got no further, being seized with uncontrollable laughter, - which for the moment puzzled the audience, but presently it dawned - upon them that the next line was-- - - ’Tis, ’tis a baby’s voice; - - and they joined the Signor in his mirth. He left the stage for a - moment, and returned and sang in his exquisite style “Out on the - Deep.” - -[Illustration: THE ACTOR’S ONE TOPIC--HIMSELF. - -Actors are charming people, but unfortunately they are so keen about -their work, that their thoughts constantly recur to it, and they cannot -keep their own latest achievements out of the talk. A lunch at an -actors’ club is apt, in consequence, to be a trifle monotonous.] - -[Illustration: A SIDE-BOX TALK. - -ROGUY AND POGUY. - -ROGUY. See that girl looking at me, Poguy? - -POGUY. Don’t I? I declare she can’t keep her eyes off you. - -ROGUY. What women care for, Poguy, my boy, is not features, but -expression. - - [_He pokes Poguy in the waistcoat._] - - Many good stories are told of the facetiousness of Dublin audiences. - Here is one that Macready used to relate:--One night while performing - “Pierre” in _Venice Preserved_, the Jaffier, an actor ponderous in - person as well as in style, was drowsing out his dying speech, when a - voice from the gallery exclaimed, “Ah, now, die at once!” to which - another from the opposite side of the house responded, “Hould your - tongue, you blackguard!” then, in a patronising tone to the Jaffier, - “Take your time now!” - - There was humour, and what is often much akin to that, pathos, in the - appeal wrung from the unlucky representative of crook-backed Richard, - who, finding it impossible to make head against the disapprobation - evoked by his histrionic efforts, dropped blank verse, and in very - plain prose told his audience--“Mr. Kean is playing this part in - London at a salary of thirty pounds a night; I receive but fifteen - shillings a week; and if it isn’t good enough for the money, may - Heaven give you more humanity!” - - At a crowded country theatre in France a woman fell from the gallery - into the pit, and was picked up by one of the spectators, who, hearing - her groaning, asked her if she was much injured. “Much injured!” - exclaimed the woman; “I should think I am. I have lost the best seat - in the very middle of the front row.” - -[Illustration] - - -THE BALD BARON - -OR, THE FALSE HEIR AND THE ABSENT WILL - -A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS. - -[Illustration: BALD BARON. Alas, noble stranger, my heir was taken off -eighty years ago!] - -[Illustration: NOBLE STRANGER. Yer’s a-go--old man, be-hold thy -long-lost chyield.] - -(_They embrace._) - - [CURTAIN. - - -ACT I. - -[Illustration: AGNES. Oh, agonies! sixty years have I waited for my -Willie. Oh, will _he never come_.] - -[Illustration: (_Enter_) FALSE HEIR. Beauteous Screecher, fly with -me--(_Agnes faints_)--ha, ha, she’s mine. Away!] - -[Illustration: (_Enter_ WILL.) Where there’s a will there’s a way.] - - [CURTAIN. - - -ACT II. - -[Illustration: _Scene, the private pass and the seedy glen._] - -[Illustration: WILL. Treachery; I’ve got a drop too much.] - -[Illustration: FALSE HEIR. One down, who’ll make two? - -AGNES (_suddenly entering_). Vill-ian--you!] - - [CURTAIN. - - -ACT III. - -[Illustration: Terrific combat of many hours’ duration.] - -[Illustration: FALSE HEIR (_mortally wounded_). My time has come--Here -are the papers--You are the Baron de la Bluebags.] - - [_Grand display of blue-fire, and fall of_ CURTAIN. - - -ACT IV. - - - - -[Illustration: FUN AT THE PLAY - -HE. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my hat. - -SHE. Oh, I’m so sorry; I thought it was my husband’s.] - - -[Illustration: THE DELIGHTS OF THEATRE-GOING. - -The pleasures of the cloak-room. No less than one attendant to each -million hats and coats. Charge only sixpence (exclusive of tip), and -every customer is allowed to fish out his own wearing apparel from the -pile, if he can find it. Each attendant guaranteed to be innocent of all -knowledge of figures, so that every client gets the wrong things. This -adds a gambling interest to the general scuffle.] - -[Illustration: THE DELIGHTS OF THEATRE-GOING. - -The unmannerly rush for drinks and smokes between the acts. As the space -between the rows of seats is so narrow, the drinking brigade have to -tread on those they leave behind, tearing frocks, smashing corns, and -elbowing inoffensive ladies and gentlemen in the face.] - - -SCENERY AND COSTUME OF THE STAGE - - We must assume there is something very peculiar in the rural - landscapes and the town residences inhabited by the dramatic - population, if the haunts of their rustics and the dwelling-places of - their citizens are to be judged by the representations of these places - which we see upon the British stage. The dramatic idea of the country - consists usually of a series of set pieces, backed by a six-inch deal - bridge, surmounting a two-foot waterfall, and leading to a profile - cottage of such diminutive dimensions that when the feet of any one - entering it are on the basement, his head soars into the second story, - and he cannot, without doubling himself completely up, go either in or - out of the door. In some cases the cottages have no pretension to - habitable qualities, but are simply “made out” of a single piece of - canvas, on which a clearly “impracticable” window is painted, and - which the business of the scene does not require to be opened, the - cottage being only needed as the cue for some song or sentiment, such - as “Ah! that humble cot--how its aspect makes me sigh for Home, Sweet - Home!” or, “The sight of that lowly roof makes me feel no envy for - pampered pride in its palace, or venal villany in its villa; for I am - convinced more and more of the beautiful truth, that it is in the - cottage alone contentment can be found.” - -[Illustration: DAUGHTER. What do you think of the quartette? - -GRUMPY FATHER. Humph, won’t take as long as four solos!] - -[Illustration: “My dear Lady Thompson, I had no idea you’d broken your -arm.” - -“Don’t be alarmed, dear. These horrid people would never have let Fido -in, so I had recourse to a little ruse!”] - - Sometimes there is, by way of background, a castle, frightfully - foreshortened, with its battlements half a yard high, and its towers - towering among the sky-borders, while its foundations rest on a rock - no higher than the top of the low comedian’s hat; but the structure is - sufficient to admit of its being apostrophized by some young gentleman - in hessians and a chocolate surtout as “Deserted halls of my - ancestors, whose pavements have rung to the clang of the usurper’s - hoof, and whose donjon-keep has echoed to the noisy revels of a - stranger band.” When the occasion is an operatic one, the distant - castle forms an admirable subject for something like the following-- - - RECITATIVE. - - Long cherished pile--home of my ancient sires, - Your aspect kindles all my youthful fires; - And when your sainted towers salute mine eyes, - Within my breast revengeful feelings rise. - - Every playgoer is familiar with the “mossy bank” of dramatic rural - scenery, with one end slightly elevated for the head of the weary - wayfarer or benighted traveller, and a bit of an old bolster craftily - crammed underneath the canvas to complete the mossiness of the - contrivance. - - The town scenery of the stage is not less peculiar than its - landscapes, and the exteriors are particularly adapted for teaching - “what to avoid” to the youthful architect. If young _Dashington_ calls - upon _Lord Toplofty_, the latter lounges lazily out of the first-floor - French window, in which his head and shoulders are a pretty tight fit, - while the former bears about the same proportion to the house that the - peasant bears to the cottage we have already been speaking of. It is a - singular fact that the inside of any one room is no sooner represented - to us, than we find it to be much larger than the whole house when - judged by its external appearance; and though the mansion itself may - be only ten feet high from the basement to the tip of the topmost - chimney-pot, the smallest apartment is found to be as wide as the - wings are apart, and as lofty as the proscenium. - -[Illustration: A MORNING CONCERT. - -WIFE. George! George! You are not in church!] - - In costume, the stage presents some really astounding phenomena; and - we have often been struck by the similarity of the dresses worn by the - retainers of every country, every age, and indeed of almost every - family. One would think that the word retainer referred to the fact of - the same habiliments being always retained under all circumstances, - whether the wearer happens to be a creature of the house of Hapsburg, - a vassal of a Norman noble, or a member of a bellowing band of Swiss - patriots, shouting such choruses as the following:-- - - Then onwards to freedom; - Our tyrants shall know, - No longer we need ’em; - Let’s join in the blow: - Yes, out let us weed ’em, - And lay them all low. - Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! - - While our blood - In a flood - We’ll freely let flow. - Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh! - _Echo (by the Prompter) in the mountains,_ - Oh! oh! oh! oh! - - _Punch._ - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: PIT, BOXES AND GALLERY.] - - -ASS YOU LIKE IT - - “Ass in præsenti.”--_Eton Latin Grammar._ - - The forthcoming show of donkeys promises to be a great success. The - only difficulty that seems to us likely to embarrass the manager is - the selection of a locality large enough for the exhibition. If but a - tenth part of the asses in the metropolis make an exhibition of - themselves on this, as they are apt to do on ordinary occasions, - nothing smaller than the grounds of the Crystal Palace or the - Alexandra Park could possibly accommodate them. - - The following, we believe, are already entered:-- - - An egregious ass, that believes in the speedy subjugation of the - Confederates by the Federals in America. - - An awful donkey, who prefers Tupper to Tennyson. - - An old ass, who, by means of false teeth, tight waist, a wig, and - rouge, imagines himself a lady-killer. - - A young ass, who, by smoking strong cigars until he is sick, imagines - himself manly. - - Several thundering donkeys, who are always sending money anonymously - to the Chancellor of the Exchequer for unpaid income-tax. - - A still larger number of even more hopeless asses, who patronize - quack-doctors, cheap, puffing tailors, delineators of character by - handwriting, and other advertising swindles. - - An irreclaimable ass (supposed to be the only one living), who does - not see any merit in FUN. The greatest ass alive. - - There are several others we could mention, but the astounding asinine - qualities of the last-named donkey have quite taken away our breath. - In the forthcoming “competitive examination, of donkeys,” let him by - all means bear away the prize! - - _Fun_, 1863. - -[Illustration: PLAYGOERS AND THEIR ECCENTRICITIES. - -Chief eccentricity is the amazing mania for rushing out of the theatre -before anybody else, in order that you may stand firmly at the door, -preventing everybody from getting away.] - -[Illustration: CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE. - -At a theatrical first night there were loud cries on the part of the -audience for the scene painter, whose splendid work had contributed -largely to the success of the piece. Now certain other functionaries in -theatres think they should be called out also.] - -[Illustration: A “CIVIL” RETORT. - -CAPTAIN DE PLUNGER. I say! aw--you tha-ar--are you, aw--the boxkeepar? - -CIVILIAN FELLOW. No, my boy; I’m not. Are you?] - - * * * * * - - -HAMLET’S LAST SOLILOQUY - -(From _Fun_, 1863.) - - Alas! alas! and hath it come to this, - That I, no longer _Hamlet_, play the _Ghost_? - And such a _Ghost_! No old time-honoured vision, - In coat of pasteboard trimm’d with gleaming foil, - With whiten’d visage, and with grizzled wig. - But a mere base delusion of the eye; - A mirror’d image in a showman’s glass, - A conjuror’s trick to set a crowd agape, - I stand, forsooth, upon an English stage - To watch a strutting Frenchman ape my prince! - I to be such a _Ghost_ as this? Yes, I, - Who’ve been the _Hamlet_ of some score of years; - Whose face, shape, elocution, manner, all - Mark me the hero’s true and very self! - _I_ play the _Ghost_? For me the _Ghost_ may go - To his “sulphureous and”--I mean elsewhere. - Help me! ye Britons! from the Wells of Sadler! - Help me! ye powers of earthly Chancery! - Keen-sighted Wood, and most judicious Westbury, - Help me! I cry. It is your Phelps that calls! - - [_Rushes out at the rate of £40 a week._ - - - - -[Illustration: AMONG THE AMATEURS] - - -AT THE MASQUERADE - - I know ’twas not the proper thing to do, - And yet I thought it would be jolly too, - To go alone to that swell masquerade, - And so I did it. Well my plans were laid. - My wife of my intentions naught did know. - I told her, out of town I had to go, - And she believed me. Leaving her to stay - At home, I went and danced in costume gay. - I had been at the ball an hour or so, - When some one introduced a domino. - I saw that she was plump and graceful, and - She had a pretty little foot and hand. - Her eyes, I noticed, flashed like diamonds bright, - Though plump, she waltzed divinely; feather light, - And then she flirted with most perfect art, - It isn’t singular I lost my heart. - Soon my sweet charmer I began to ask - To step into an alcove and unmask! - To let me see the lovely face I’d swear - Was hid behind that mask. My lady fair - At first refused. I pleaded long and hard; - Declared my life forever would be marred, - Unless her cruelty she would relent. - My pleading won, at last, a shy consent. - Her face she would permit my eyes to view, - If I unmasked, the selfsame instant; too. - The dancing-hall had alcoves all around, - And soon in one of these ourselves we found; - The alcove was, for two, the proper size, - And passing dancers would not recognize - You, for the light was dim within the niche, - And flowers, about, their perfume gave. My witch - Her mask removed. I meantime did the same. - “My wife!” “My husband!” So we did exclaim. - The truth we neither of us had mistrusted, - And each was disappointed and disgusted. - -[Illustration: AT A FANCY BALL. VOICE WITHIN (_to waiter_). I’m -starving! For goodness sake, get a can opener. I can’t get this beastly -visor up.] - -[Illustration] - - -THE AMATEUR FLUTE-PLAYER - - Hear the fluter with his flute, - Silver flute! - Oh, what a world of wailing is awakened by its toot! - How it demi-semi-quavers, - On the maddened air of night! - And defieth all endeavours - To escape the sound or sight - Of the flute, flute, flute, - With its tootle, tootle, toot, - With reiterated tootings of exasperated toots. - The long-protracted tootings of agonizing toots, - Of the flute, flute, flute, flute, - Flute, flute, flute, - And the wheezing and the spittings of its toots. - - Should he get that other flute-- - Golden flute-- - Oh, what a deeper anguish will its presence institoot! - How his eyes to heaven he’ll raise - As he plays - All the days! - How he’ll stop us on our ways - With its praise; - And the people--oh, the people! - That don’t live up in the steeple, - But inhabit Christian parlours - Where he visiteth and plays-- - Where he plays, plays, plays - In the cruellest of ways, - And thinks we ought to listen, - And expects us to be mute, - Who would rather have the earache - Than the music of his flute-- - Of his flute, flute, flute, - And the tooting of his toot-- - Of the toot wherein he tooteleth his agonizing toot - Of the fluet, fluit, floot. - Phlute, phlewt, phlewght, - And the tootle-tootle-tooting of his toot. - -[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS--THE MOUSTACHES. - -LADY B. (_a wicked Marquis_). But have you made me fierce enough, -Charles? - -CHARLES. Fierce!--ferocious!] - -[Illustration] - - -ONLY SEVEN - -A PASTORAL STORY, AFTER WORDSWORTH. - - I marvelled why that simple child - Made faces like the Gorgons, - And clapt its hands, with moanings wild, - On its digestive organs. - - Adopting a parental tone, - I asked her why she cried, - The damsel answered with a groan, - “I’ve got a pain inside.” - - “I thought it would have sent me mad - Last night about eleven”; - Said I, “What is it makes you bad? - How many apples have you had?” - She answered, “Only seven!” - - “And are you sure you took no more, - My little maid?” quoth I. - “Oh! please, sir, mother gave me four, - “But _they_ were in a pie!” - - “If that’s the case,” I stammered out, - “Of course you’ve had eleven”; - The maiden answered with a pout, - “I ain’t had more nor seven!” - - I wondered hugely what she meant, - And said, “I’m bad at riddles, - But I know where little girls are sent - For telling taradiddles. - - “Now, if you don’t reform,” said I, - “You’ll never go to heaven.” - But all in vain; each time I cry, - That little idiot makes reply, - “I ain’t had more nor seven!” - - POSTSCRIPT. - - To borrow Wordsworth’s name was wrong, - Or slightly misapplied; - And so I’d better call my song, - “Lines after Ache-inside.” - - _Fun_, 1865. - -[Illustration: PRIVATE THEATRICALS AT THE TITWILLOWS’. - -Mr. Titwillow, having undertaken a comic part, is about to render his -appearance more effective by reddening the tip of his dear little nose. -His wife, mother, and sister, in a passionate appeal to his nobler -feelings, implore him not to desecrate his dignity by such an act. - - [_His bosom friend cynically contemplates the touching family scene._] - - -LYCEUM LYRICS - -(_After Ben Jonson._) - - It is not being underlined, - Six months that leaves the rest behind; - Or standing long a joke that makes us here - Less valued by the public eye and ear. - The “super” in his way - Is happier, so they say, - Although he fights for eighteenpence a night, - Than he who has talents he can’t bring to light; - In small proportions we tragedians see - Who can attain what they would like to be. - -(_After Herrick._) - - Gather your laurels whilst ye may, - The season on is flying, - And make your audience smile to-day, - To-morrow set them crying. - A good tragedian, when there’s one, - Much money may be getting, - But longer dramas have a run - The nearer he’s to fretting. - -(_After Lovelace._) - - Large type does not an actor make, - Nor theatre-walls a cage, - Minds unambitious then may take - The salary they engage. - If I can’t get the parts I love, - At least, let me be free, - Another theatre yet may prove - My right to liberty. - - --_Fun_, 1863. - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: THE POETS’ CORNER - -PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN - -In the act of writing a funny poem, that will make you die of laughing -when you read it. - - [_The enlarged photograph on the wall represents the same party when - not engaged in comic composition._] - - -THE POETS AT PLAY - -[Illustration] - - Addison in his _Papers on Wit_ makes vigorous onslaught against “false - wit.” “The first species of false wit which I have met with is - venerable for its antiquity, and has produced several pieces which - have lived very near as long as the _Iliad_ itself; I mean those short - poems printed among the minor Greek poets, which resemble the figure - of an egg, a pair of wings, an axe, a shepherd’s pipe, and an altar.” - - Further on, he says, referring to these conceits, “the poetry was to - contract or dilate itself according to the mould in which it was cast. - In a word, the verses were to be cramped or extended to the dimensions - of the frame that was prepared for them, and to undergo the fate of - those persons whom the tyrant Procustes used to lodge in his iron bed; - if they were too short he stretched them on a rack; and if they were - too long he chopped off a part of their legs, till they fitted the - couch which he had prepared for them.” - - Most people accept this dictum of Addison as a final pronouncement on - the distinction between true and false wit; but on further - consideration it may be found that “much can be said on the other - side.” Addison asserts that the matter must suffer if it has to be - squeezed into a certain shape. This may be so, but it need not be much - more so in the forming of a pair of wings in verse, than in the - construction of a sonnet. Every sonnet, no matter how inspired, must - follow an artificial measure, every poem, be it never so soulful, must - have a definite number of feet in each of its lines and a preconceived - arrangement; yet, no one advances the opinion that Scott was wasting - his sense of poetry by casting it in the form of octo-syllabic verse, - or that Shakespeare had a difficulty in fitting his thoughts to the - measure of his sonnets or the blank verse of his plays. - -[Illustration: THE POETS ILLUSTRATED. - - 1.--“For, indeed, my father did something smack--.”--MERCHANT OF - VENICE. - - 2.--“Take any shape but that!”--MACBETH. - - 3.--“Light only on the box.”--BRYANT AND MAY. - - 4.--“--sigh to think that he had found - His warmest welcome at an inn.”--SHENSTONE.] - - * * * * * - - The most that can be advanced against those poetic conceits of the - kind condemned by Addison is that they appeal in a greater degree to - the eye than to the ear, and while we may be conscious of their - artificial nature we should also be catholic enough to admit their - ingenuity, and when they are sufficiently amusing to provoke laughter, - or excite a smile, they should not be denied the attributes of wit; - for, after all, when we free ourselves from the suspicion of - affectation, do we not agree that the chief end of wit is to amuse? - -[Illustration: NO! DON’T. (PERIOD 1854.) - -“So they are sending out books to amuse the poor fellows at Scutari--and -very proper. I will send five-and-twenty copies of my last five-act -tragedy of ‘The Roman Grandmother.’”] - - These remarks have been suggested to the writer by his discovering in - one of his old scrap-books a little collection of curiosities of verse - culled in Bookland byways “oompty” years ago. These do not consist of - specimens of the minor Greek poets’ eccentricities, but in every case - they are examples of what Addison would have unhesitatingly catalogued - as “false wit”; and yet, not only are some of them genuinely amusing - and others highly ingenious, but several display a painstaking which - almost amounts to genius--if genius be “the capacity for taking - pains.” - - We can, for example, appreciate the immense industry of the author who - set himself to compose a series, of verses in which the letter “e” - should be entirely omitted, and the painstaking of the author will be - yet further acknowledged when it is known that “e” is the most used - letter in the English alphabet, the relative proportion of its use - being 120 times to j 4, k 8, g 17, and i 40. - - There are two such pieces among the writer’s literary curiosities and - he regards them as, perhaps, the most unique. The first one is as - follows-- - - John Knox was a man of wondrous might, - And his words ran high and shrill, - For bold and stout was his spirit bright, - And strong was his stalwart will. - - Kings sought in vain his mind to chain, - And that giant brain to control, - But naught on plain or stormy main - Could daunt that mighty soul. - - John would sit and sigh till morning cold - Its shining lamp put out, - For thoughts untold on his mind laid hold, - And brought but pain and doubt. - - But light at last on his soul was cast, - Away sank pain and sorrow-- - His soul is gay in a fair to-day - And looks for a bright to-morrow. - - The first word in the second line of the third stanza is evidently a - misprint. “Night’s” is most likely the word used by the author, - meaning that the coming of the morn extinguished the stars-- - - Night’s shining lights put out. - - Here is the other specimen, which is even more ingenious than that - just quoted, each stanza containing every member of the alphabet - except the letter “e”-- - - Bold Nassaw quits his caravan - A hazy mountain grot to scan; - Climbs jaggy rocks to spy his way, - Doth tax his sight, but far doth stray. - - Not work of man nor sport of child - Finds Nassaw in that mazy wild; - Lax grow his joints, limbs toil in vain; - Poor wight, why didst thou quit that plain? - - Vainly for succour Nassaw calls; - Know Zillah that thy Nassaw falls, - But prowling wolf and fox may joy - To quarry on thy Arab boy. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - A happy thought is well worked out in the following quaint little _jeu - d’esprit_ which the writer came across in an old magazine many years - ago. If you read it line after line you will find the author - cheerfully contemplating the prospect of matrimony; but if you only - read each alternate line you will discover him to be a confirmed old - bachelor-- - - I always did intend - To take to me a wife, - Single my life to spend - Would grieve my very life. - - It much delighteth me - To think upon a bride, - To live from woman free - I can’t be satisfied. - - A female, to my mind, - The joy I can’t express, - I ne’er expect to find - So great in singleness. - - A bachelor to live - I never would agree, - My mind I freely give - A married man to be. - - A somewhat common form of poetic conceit is the arranging into one - intelligent poem of lines from a number of well-known poets and thus - forming what may be called a mosaic of verses. I here print one of the - best examples of this kind that I have come across; the author, like - those of the “e”-less verses, is unknown to fame-- - - I only knew she came and went, _Powell._ - Like troutlets in a pool; _Hood._ - She was a phantom of delight, _Wordsworth._ - And I was like a fool. _Eastman._ - - “One kiss, dear maid,” I said, and sighed, _Coleridge._ - Out of those lips unshorn, _Longfellow._ - She shook her ringlets round her head _Stoddard._ - And laughed in merry scorn. _Tennyson._ - - Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky, _Tennyson._ - You heard them, oh, my heart; _Alice Cary._ - ’Tis twelve at night by the castle clock, _Coleridge._ - Beloved, we must part. _Alice Cary._ - - “Come back, come back!” she cried in grief, _Campbell._ - My eyes are dim with tears _Bayard Taylor._ - How shall I live through all the days? _Osgood._ - All through a hundred years? _T. S. Parry._ - - ’Twas in the prime of summer time, _Hood._ - She blessed me with her hand; _Hoyt._ - We strayed together, deeply blest _Edwards._ - Into the dreaming land. _Cornwall._ - - The laughing bridal roses blow, _Patmore._ - To dress her dark-brown hair; _Bayard Taylor._ - My heart is breaking with my woe, _Tennyson._ - Most beautiful! Most rare! _Read._ - - I clasped it on her sweet, cold hand, _Browning._ - The precious golden link! _Smith._ - I calmed her fears, and she was calm, _Coleridge._ - Drink, pretty creature, drink!” _Wordsworth._ - - And so I won my Genevieve, _Coleridge._ - And walked in Paradise; _Hervey._ - The fairest thing that ever grew _Wordsworth._ - Atween me and the skies! _Osgood._ - - The composite poem thus formed may not be praised for beauty of - thought, for absolute sequence of expression; but it is certainly a - most ingenious composition and a monument of literary research. - - The remarkable sibilance of the English language is cleverly - exaggerated in the following lines, which are commended to the - attention of those who lisp-- - - Susanna Snooks sings sad, sweet songs, she sees soft summer skies; - Strange sunset shades sift silently--she somewhat sadly sighs. - Soliloquizingly she strays, sweet songsters shyly sing. - She sees slim spruces’ slanting shades surround some sparkling - spring. - - Still southward silently she strays. She spies shy Simon Slade. - “Stop, Simon!” says Susanna Snooks. Still sifts sweet sunset’s - shade. - Shy Simon six snug satisfying squeezes slyly stole; - Susanna snickered. Simon stayed. Sick, silly, spoony soul! - - Susanna’s sire saw some shy, suspicious stranger stray. - Saw Susan say, “Stop, Simon Slade.” Saw simple Simon stay. - Stern sire sought some solid stick--serenely, slyly slipped. - Susanna saw. She shrilly shrieked, “Skip, Simon!” Simon skipped. - - Needless to say these diverting lines were written and published - originally beyond the westering wave. - -[Illustration: THE POETS ILLUSTRATED. - - 1.--“Dip forward under starry light.”--TENNYSON. - - 2.--“It sounds to him like her mother’s _Weiss_ - Singing----”--LONGFELLOW. - - 3.--“Off with his head.”--CIBBER. - - 4.--“A pouncet box which ever an I anon - He gave his nose, and took’t away again, - ... and still he smiled.”--SHAKESPEARE. - - 5.--“Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark - Our coming, and grow brighter when we come.”--BYRON. - - 6.--“Lightly they’ll speak of the spirit that’s gone.”--WOLFE. - - 7.--“That we may call these delicate creatures ours-- - But not their appetites.”--SHAKESPEARE.] - - -[Illustration: COUNTRY CRITIC (_who the previous evening patronised -“Muggins’ Travelling Theatre”_). They poets just are clever chaps, and -noa mistake! I see a thing last night as I never wishes to see not noa -better. Darned if I doant thin’k that _Mariar Martin, or the Red Baarn_ -arn’t the best play as ever Muster Shakespeare wroat!--(_Period_ -1865.)] - - -MOTLEY’S KINGDOM - -BY BROBERT ROWNING. - - There once was a time, long ago, - When the sages were rulers, you know, - - When men from all parts of the globe - Would seek them, their wisdom to probe, - - And ask their opinion (no counsel’s - Like that which your lawyer in town sells. - - But sapient and noble advice - That now you can get at no price). - - But the sages got terribly pestered, - For those they advised for the best, erred - - In doing their best, then in rages - Laid all of the blame on the sages; - - While now and then one (you ’twas rude’ll - Allow) said each sage was a noodle! - - Meanwhile, no less, morning and night - From all parts of the earth, left and right. - - From north, and from south, east, and west - For advice--_gratis_--all the world prest. - - Said the sages, “We’re too much admired! - Let’s retire.” So the sages retired, - - And then to extremes rushing hotly, - Took cap and bells, bauble, and motley, - - In _that_ disguise guided the throng, - Not by showing the right but the wrong, - - And found to their wonderment great - ’Tis more easy to keep people straight - - By lashing for errors they make - Then showing the right road to take. - - And this, don’t you see, is the way - The whole world is governed to-day. - - Men have long ceased the sages to pester - But bow to the rule of the jester. - - Well--_Ridentem quid dicere verum - Vetat?_--If the people will hear ’um! - - So, there, now my story is done-- - And the moral! Why, that you see’s FUN. - - _Fun_, 1866. - - -AN ILLUSTRATED EDITION OF THE POETS - -[Illustration: “What’s ’A-cuba to him, or he to ’A-cuba?” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Mark’d you her eye?” - - --SHERIDAN.] - - -[Illustration: “Alarms! Excursions! Parties fighting.” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Methinks I scent the morning hair!” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: - - “I waited for the train at Coventry, - I hung with grooms and porters on the bridge.” - - --TENNYSON.] - -[Illustration: “My custom always of an afternoon.” - - --SHAKESPEARE.] - -[Illustration: “Say what can Chloe want? She wants a heart.” - - --POPE.] - -[Illustration: - - “Oh! too convincing--dangerous dear-- - In woman’s eye, th’ unanswerable _tear_.” - - --BYRON.] - - -POETS AND THEIR PATRONS - -[Illustration] - - -THE PAST. - -Vast is the difference between the Poets’ Patron of the past and of the -present period. Formerly the noble was the encourager of the lofty -strains of inspiration, but nowadays Moses is the Mæcenas of the Muses. -In times gone by the bard was accustomed to write lays to laud the lazy -lordling, but now he sings pæans to the paletot, and invests the vest -with the graceful trimmings of fancy. - -The poet has turned puffer instead of parasite. Should another Pope -arise, he would sing the praises of another Chesterfield; but instead of -being the Earl of that name, it would be the wrapper he would take for -the subject of his lucubrations. The following is a fair specimen of the -style of thing to which a new Pope would most probably devote his -poetical talents:-- - - -THE PRESENT. - - How happy is the new Mosaic cut! - When Moses opens, let the rest be shut. - Look at the coat! so dashing, yet refined, - In front perfection, and the same behind; - Body and skirt their equal distance keep, - The collar not too narrow, nor too deep; - Grace shines about it with enchanting beams, - And finest workmanship cements the seams. - Taste lurks in every fold, and--Gracious Heaven! - You get the article for two pound seven. - Let others to the western Schneiders fly, - With eastern elegance ’tis vain to vie. - - -[Illustration: MY - -Manuscripts. - -BY - -PHYLLIS TYNE] - - -I. - - A certain dismal desk I own comprises - A literary morgue, a place of tears, - Where manuscripts of divers shapes and sizes - Repose--defiled with dust and canine ears. - They lie, awaiting ultimate cremation, - My slighted bantlings--poor, ill-treated pets! - Embodiments of blighted aspiration - And bitter editorial regrets! - - -II. - - Which tale, which play, which poem is the poorest, - Where all have often been condemned as poor, - Which manuscript the most case-hardened tourist, - Where all have been on many a fruitless tour, - I cannot tell. Yet am I fain to wager - That none have been the cause of so much ire - As this--the stoutest, inkiest old stager, - That, in my heart of hearts, I still admire! - - -III. - - The epics that, by some elusive magic, - Were turned at last to musical burlesques, - The comedies that daily grew more tragic - (Foredoomed to moulder in sepulchral skies); - The bright libretto, worthy of a Gilbert, - That shrunk into one lyric, which describes - What passed between the “Earwig and the Filbert”-- - These and their like I treasure up in tribes! - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - -IV. - - I have composed heroics and didactics, - Completed thrilling dramas by the score, - I have adopted mercenary tactics, - And started lurid serials galore; - But seldom could I pen them as I planned them; - The plays developed strangely, scene by scene, - Till I was forced, at length, to brand them - As feeble skits on what they might have been! - - -V. - - I would not be a virulent detractor - Of all the editors who say me nay, - Of each successful manager and actor - Who has declined (with thanks) my strongest play; - They may be men of taste and erudition, - But, if they understand (and do they not?) - The kind of thing in public requisition, - The public must require the baldest rot? - -[Illustration] - - -VI. - - My manuscripts! before I burn or rend you - (Momentarily penitent and sane), - Methinks I will be rash enough to send you - Upon a _final_ journey once again! - Your mute entreaties give me heart to fight on, - With fixed intent to find the “open door.” - My only difficulty is to light on - Some quarter where you have not been before! - - -VII. - - And what of these supremely dismal verses? - They, too, shall be incontinently hurled-- - Like many of their colour--on the mercies - Of this unkind and unpoetic world. - I will submit them, with a curt epistle, - To some sad editor’s regretful eye, - Sanguine, of course, yet, posting them, I’ll whistle - The strains of “Au revoir, but not good-bye!” - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - -A MAN I HATE - - Of all the bores that, now and then, - Society permits - To talk to literary men, - Or mix among the wits, - The worst are those that _will_ devote - Their little minds to anecdote. - - I’ve sat and listened, I confess, - To fools of many kinds, - Including people who possess - Encyclopædic minds. - But oh! the very worst afloat - Is he who takes to anecdote. - - I like a man who makes a pun - Or else a deep remark; - I like philosophy or fun-- - If only just a spark. - But how I hate the muffs who gloat - Inanely over anecdote. - - I loathe a man who recollects - A little thing he heard; - Then tells a story and expects - A grin at ev’ry word. - For how can any one promote - Your liveliness by anecdote? - - Oh, no! I’d rather live alone - Upon a desert isle, - With not a voice, except my own, - To cheer me all the while, - Than talk to men who learn by rote - Their paltry funds of anecdote! - - _Fun_, 1866. - - - - -[Illustration: MAINLY ABOUT AUTHORS - -WOULD-BE NOVELIST (_writes_). Even as he read the letter, De Brooke’s -face blanched. The dreaded blow had fallen! The estate would never be -his--and he must be content with a mere existence on a paltry nine -hundred a year.] - - -[Illustration: LADY AUDLEY’S SECRET] - - -A WHITCOMB RILEY STORY - - On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp autumn morning, - Mr. James Whitcomb Riley, the celebrated “Hoosier” poet of America, - who is almost as well known in England, met an unusually large number - of acquaintances who commented conventionally upon the fine weather. - This unremitting applause amused him. When greeted at the office with - “Nice day, Mr. Riley,” he smiled broadly. - - “Yes,” he agreed. “Yes, I’ve heard it very highly spoken of.” - - -MARK TWAIN AND THE KEY - - “Once when I was going out to visit some friends,” Mark Twain is - alleged to have said, in relating this one of the innumerable “yarns” - fathered on him, “I told George, my negro servant, to lock the house - and put the key under a certain stone near the steps. He agreed to do - so. - - “It was late at night when I returned. I went to the stone under which - the key was supposed to have been hidden. It was gone. I hunted around - the premises for about fifteen minutes, but still no key. - - “Finally I went to George’s house--he lived outside--and rapped, - vigorously upon the door. A black head, which I had no difficulty in - recognizing as George’s, popped out of an upstairs window. - - “‘Where did you put that key, you black rascal?’ I roared. - - “‘Oh, massa,’ answered George, ‘I found a better place for it.’” - -[Illustration: DESCEND, YE NINE.] - -[Illustration: PERFECT SINCERITY, OR, THINKINGS ALOUD. - -GENIUS. By the way, did you glance over that article of mine on “The -Intellect of Woman, and her Social Position?” I don’t care twopence -about your opinion; only, if you can say something favourable, of course -I shall be pleased. - -COMMON SENSE. Why, I tried to get through it, but upon my life, I found -it such contemptible rubbish, that I couldn’t get on; and, to tell you -the truth, I think that a snug little thing in the cheese-mongering line -would be more in your way than literature. - -GENIUS. Ah, you must be a fool!] - -[Illustration: HISTORY--THE ANCIENT BRITONS. - -EMILY (_reads_). In the summer they were naked, and instead of clothes -they put paint upon their bodies. They were fond of a fine blue colour, -which they made of a plant called woad, which they found in their woods. -They squeezed out the juice of the woad, and then stained themselves all -over with it, so that in summer they looked as if they were dressed in -tight blue clothes. - -ARTHUR. And did they walk in the park and go to church so?] - -[Illustration: A RURAL STUDY. - -BURLESQUE-WRITER FORCING PUNS.] - -[Illustration: GENIUS. Ha! I may be unrecognized, my dear, but I’ll have -my revenge on posterity. When the great cypher work is dug out of the -Thames it will show that everything Meredith, Hardy, Kipling and Marie -Corelli ever wrote was _mine_--_mine!_] - - -HUMOURS OF THE PRINTING-HOUSE - - The printing-house is notoriously the place for fun. Every shop has - its selection of funny men who are ever ready to co-operate with the - “devils” in manufacturing mirth. And there are always the “fossils,” - who afford many an opportunity for a hearty laugh at them, if not with - them. Often have I been amused with, the idiosyncrasies of these - typographical gray beards; their chief charm being their colossal - assurance as to their invariably being right, and everybody else, who - presumes to differ from them, wrong. I recollect one of these ancient - typesetters (an old Scotsman) who used to be the butt of countless - jokes in the shop where he toiled so patiently. On one occasion he set - up an article from my pen, beginning, “Long before the introduction of - Pears’ Soap”; and I am bothered if he didn’t turn the last two words - into “Pea Soup!” But the real fun of the matter was, that on his - mistake being pointed out, he blandly suggested our letting the words - appear as he had set them--“it wid dae jist as weel!” - - The printer does not seem to be deeply concerned about his future, - indeed, he has many a gay dig at that grave subject; as, for - instance-- - - Old Lucifer, both kind and civil. - To every printer lends a devil; - But, balancing accounts each winter, - For every devil takes a printer. - -[Illustration: AUTHOR’S MISERIES. - -Having corresponded with Miss Rudge, the gifted poetess (authoress of -“Floranthe,” “The Lovelock of Montrose,” “Moans of the Heartstrings,” -etc.), and exchanged portraits and your own poems with her, you meet at -last. - -You are disappointed in her appearance and find her about forty years -older than her picture; perhaps you, too, have grown rather fat and -seedy since yours was taken twenty years ago.] - - The printer’s “devil,” by the way, is a queer fish, and there is a - story about a certain metropolitan imp that fits any of the little - sinners to a T. This particular youngster had just received his week’s - wages, eleven shillings, when he was heard to soliloquize in these - terms--“Let me see. I’ll go the Coliseum to-night, that’s a shilling; - supper with bottled beer, that’s eighteenpence; ’baccy for the week, a - shilling; beer ditto, two shillings; theatre one night next week, - that’s one-and-six, and supper, one-and-six; and I’ll buy that swell - walking stick, and that’ll just leave sixpence to take home to mother - towards my week’s board.” He must have been a regular bad ’un, that. - - Another favourite medium of printing-house fun is found in adapting - Gilbert’s famous line and mourning that a “printer’s lot is not a - happy one,” or magnifying the annoyances from authors and editors with - which printers have to put up. In this connexion we find one printer - relieving his troubled soul thus-- - - Working for forty editors and scores of authors, every one of whom is - as sensitive as a sore thumb, and as lively and interesting as a - hornet, no wonder that printers die young, and only pachydermatus, - grizzly, mulish specimens get their share of life. The writer wishes - he could offer himself as an awful example of the perils which environ - a man who meddles with cold type. A thoroughly trained printer should - have had a stepmother, and then a stepfather, and then have been bound - out to a tanner, and then have married a scolding wife, and lived in a - smoky house, and have had a family of babies who were afflicted with - colic. He should have added to all this discipline a thorough - knowledge of science, art, law, language, theology, history and - biography. If, in addition, he has a vicious looking countenance and - an amiable disposition, he may stand some chance with these authors - and editors ; but the probabilities are, after all, that they will - worry him to death. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -As you are labouring on your great work (in a style, let us add, equal -to the subject), Lady Anna Maria Tomnoddy’s compliments arrive, and she -requests you will cast your eye over the accompanying manuscript in six -volumes, “The Mysteries of Mayfair,” correct the errors, if any, and -find a publisher for the same. - -N.B.--You have in your bookcase Captain Bangle’s “Buffaloes and Banyan -Trees,” in MS.; the Rev. Mr. Growl’s “Sermons to a Congregation at -Swansea,” ditto ditto; Miss Piminy’s “Wildflower Coronal, a Wreath of -Village Poesy”; and Mr. Clapperton’s six manuscript tragedies; of all of -which you are requested to give your opinion.] - - Then there is a certain freedom about printers’ humour which we don’t - find elsewhere, save among editors: but printers, like editors, have - ever been privileged individuals, and we are told that when the - recording angel observes a printer hold a bit of bent brass rule - between his fingers, while he misses it with a hammer, the trustworthy - scribe drops into a brown study, and pretends not to hear anything. - Nor is it logical to assume that a printer is a saint because he sets - up a hymn-book. You might as well regard an editor as a fool because - you didn’t exactly agree with what was in his paper. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -Perhaps you flatter yourself that you have made an impression on Miss -Flannigan (at Worthing), and you find her asleep over your favourite -book.] - - Illustrative of this there is an excellent anecdote told by the late - Max O’Rell in his book, _A Frenchman in America_. - - A former proprietor of the _New York Times and Post_ was wont every - morning to select a text from the Bible to be printed above the - leader. One morning, by some mischance, the text got lost, and Max - tells us that the comps might have been heard asking in pretty loud - stage whispers, “If anybody knew where that d---- text was?” - - Perhaps the wit of the compositor is most amusing when it appeals to - the eye. That is, when he gives rein to his fancy, and uses his types - for suggesting witty ideas. Here is a very happy illustration of this - kind of fun-- - - “T_T_h_h_e_e_ c_c_o_o_m_m_p_p_o_o_s_s_i_i_t_t_o_o_r_r_ w_w_h_h_o_o_ - s_s_e_e_t_t_ t_t_h_h_i_i_s_s_ p_p_a_a_r_r_. h_h_a_a_s_s_ h_h_a_a_d_d_ - e_e_x_x_a_a_c_c_t_t_l_l_y_y_ a_a_ g_g_l_l_a_a_s_s_s_s_ a_a_n_n_d_d_ - a_a_ h_h_a_a_l_l_f_f_ t_t_o_o_o_o_ m_m_u_u_c_c_h_h_ a_a_n_n_d_d_ - t_t_h_h_i_i_s_s_ i_i_s_s_ p_p_r_r_e_e_c_c_i_i_s_s_e_e_l_l_y_y_ - w_w_h_h_a_a_t_t_ h_h_e_e_ f_f_e_e_e_e_l_l_s_s_ l_l_i_i_k_k_e_e._” - - Yes, that compositor may only have had “a glass and a-half too much,” - but the typo who is supposed to have set up the appended advertisement - has manifestly indulged to even a greater extent-- - - £ DOGSH LOSHT! - Reward Five Shtrayed or Shtolen, - BANDY COLOURED LIVER LEGGED DOG - Had on Collar Marked “Rover,” - Answers to name of C.B., Esq. - Whoever bringsh 5£ receive dogsh reward. No - furtherdogsh will be offered. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -As you are conducting Lady Gotobed to her carriage from Lady Highjink’s -“noble party,” and fancying yourself a man of fashion, you hear the -servants in the hall saying one to another, “that’s him--that’s -Poonch!”] - - American printers are much given to these diverting devices, and in - the following instance we have a number of papers vieing with one - another in extracting fun from the technical terms for the various - signs and punctuations-- - - “If brevity is the soul of wit, how is this for a funny ¶?--‘Wheeling - Journal.’ It is without a ‖.--‘New York Enterprise.’ Did you expect - anybody to “ ” that?--‘Philadelphia Sunday Mirror.’ Those are the - worst jokes of the .--‘Washington Critic.’ My * * *, you’re pointed as - a †, aren’t you?--‘Burlington Enterprise.’ We ⏞ the opportunity to say - these are ,cal???you fellows pro£.--‘Gold.’ Well, they afford a $ous - sort of amusement at best and ---- our spirits greatly.--‘New York - “L.” R. Journal.’” - - Here is another of the same, as they say about the Psalms of David-- - - “A company of printers from Constantinople have joined the Turkish - army. They ought to be good at a — at the enemy in the :ized region of - Bulgaria. It is surprising that they should be so foolish * their - lives where shot and shell may put an untimely . to their existence. - Let them ⏞ the first opportunity 2 , way from that § where the - murderous work of †† is un‖ed, and may the ☞ of Providence guide them - to a latitude where they may live with a greater ° of safety.” - -[Illustration: - - _______ - { } - { @ | @ } - { ^ } - ( \_/ ) - ( - ) - -The man who likes a joke.] - -[Illustration: - - _______ - { } - { @ | @ } - { ^ } - ( /⏠\ ) - ( - ) - -The man who doesn’t.] - - The printer can also make fun with a few brackets and other - typographical oddments, as shown above. - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -_Old Gentleman._ _Miss Wiggets._ _Two Authors._ - -OLD GENTLEMAN. I am sorry to see you occupied, my dear Miss Wiggets, -with that trivial paper _Punch_. A railway is not a place, in my -opinion, for jokes. I never joke--never. - -MISS W. So I should think, sir. - -OLD GENTLEMAN. And besides, are you aware who are the conductors of that -paper, and that they are Chartists, Deists, Atheists, Anarchists, and -Socialists, to a man? I have it from the best authority, that they meet -together once a week in a tavern in Saint Giles’s, where they concoct -their infamous print. The chief part of their income is derived from -threatening letters which they send to the nobility and gentry. The -principal writer is a returned convict. Two have been tried at the Old -Bailey; and their artist--as for their artist.... - -GUARD. Swin-dun! Sta-tion! - - [_Exeunt two Authors._] - - In taking leave of this very entertaining subject one cannot do better - than quote a printer’s “little joke,” which is at once - mirth-provoking, and eminently suited as a “tail-piece” for this - paper-- - - “Full many a man, who now doth cheat the printer, - Will waste his voice upon the heated air, - And vainly sigh for cooling breeze of winter - When he is punished for his sins down there.” - -☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ - -[Illustration: AUTHORS’ MISERIES. - -The printer’s boy is sitting in the hall; the editor has written to say -that your last contributions are not up to the mark, and that you must -be more funny, if you please. Mr. Snip, the tailor, has called again -that morning; you have a splitting headache, from a transaction -over-night, and as you are writing an exceedingly light and humorous -article, your dear Anna-Maria wishes to know how you _dare_ dine at -Greenwich, and with whom you dined? - -I suppose she found the bill in your coat-pocket. How changed Anna-Maria -is from what she was when you married her! and how uncommonly -ill-tempered she has grown! - -_Mr. Tims and a Good-natured Friend._ - -G.-N. F. Have you read the _Macadamiser_, Tims? - -T. Hem! no. _Do_ people read the _Macadamiser_? - -G.-N. F. He, he! I say, Tims, there’s a most unjustifiable attack upon -you in it. Look here. (_He kindly takes out the “Macadamiser.”_) - -T. (_reads_). “This person is before us again. He is ignorant, vulgar, -and a Cockney. He is one of that most contemptible race of men, a -professional buffoon. He is,” etc., etc. (_Tims reads ad libitum._) -Thank you, my dear fellow; it was uncommonly good-natured of you to -bring the critique.] - -[Illustration] - - -HARRIS-ING REFLECTIONS - -_Written after a Visit to the Olympic._ - - O Sairey Gamp! oh, Sairey Gamp! Of honest people of your stamp, - ma’am, - To find a score or even more--the Cynic would not need his lamp, - ma’am! - For far and wide on ev’ry side there quite as many, I’m afraid, are - As on each hedge, so folks allege, the plenteous blackberries - displayed are. - Just gaze around--what lots are found, of “honest men” (in common - diction) - Whose honour, sense, or wealth immense has no existence but in - fiction. - Oh, there be few who never knew the great promoters and projectors - Who when they blow a bubble “Co.” obtain from fancy their directors. - And there’s a host of men that boast how many lords as friends they - gaze on, - Whose arms no work compiled by Burke was ever called upon to blazon. - How many too from far Peru to China quote their travels daring, - And still, I ween, have never been ten miles beyond the Cross of - Charing! - Why scores, I know, the world’s Great Show declare they saw last - year at Paris, - Yet saw no more the Gallic shore than you set eyes on Mrs. Harris! - - In piteous tones will Mrs. Jones of “better days” and “losses” - gibber, - Yet has she ne’er, as I can swear, had anything to lose--the fibber! - There’s Figgs will plead for cash--his need to meet a bill of large - amount is-- - But that same bill, assert I will, drawn on imagination’s fount is! - Just ask your friend Tom Browne to lend you twenty pounds--or make - it fifty; - He blames his fate, “you’re just too late--in fact he must himself - be thrifty, - Confound! and dash! last week all cash available in funds invested!” - Those funds, I guess, would nothing less than fancy stocks turn out - if tested. - There’s Major Jaw who service saw the great Peninsular campaign in-- - Yet ne’er was there! His martial air was built some French - _château_-in-Spain in? - There’s Bragg whose name all lists proclaim, which tell the world - how many guineas - A B and C, with D and E, subscribe when sought a lot of tin is - To whitewash blacks, or scatter “tracks”--for Charity! Yet gentle - Charis - I fear you’ll find for men so blind no more exists than Mrs. Harris! - -[Illustration] - - Oh, Sairey Gamp, oh Sairey Gamp! This world “a wale,” oh Sairey - Gamp, is! - And now and then the best of men (like Pecksniff) but a sorry scamp - is. - I’ve, on my word, a sermon heard so clever I should like to quote - it-- - - Denouncing shams, and bams, and crams--yet he who preached it never - wrote it! - I feel remorse that fine discourse to fix a qualifying term on - But am compelled to own I held it Mrs. H.’s funeral sermon. - I’ve known also, a medico experiment where sickness floored him, - And try to kill his patient till kind nature stepping in restored - him! - Well, thereupon our doctor shone with conscious skill and - self-laudation, - As if he’d not his wisdom got from Mrs. H.--in consultation! - And eke in Law you’ll find the flaw Divinity and Physic suffer, - Some juniors drag a heavy bag, but every paper there’s a duffer. - Mere empty show--it’s wrong you know--a swindle! And yet many a - barris- - Ter’s earliest brief, I own with grief, has been “the case of Mrs. - Harris.” - - _Fun_, 1868. - -[Illustration: “Is this a libery?” - -“Yes.” - -“Then let me have the last number of _Hemily Fitz-Hosborn_.”] - - - - -[Illustration: THE EDITOR IN HIS DEN - -THE EDITOR AT HOME. - -MARY. Please, sir, I’ve been looking everywhere for the third volume of -that book you was reading. - -LODGER. Oh, I took it back to the library this morning. I---- - -MARY. Oh! then will you tell me, sir, if as how the “Markis” found out -as she’d pisoned ’er two fust ’usbands?] - - -HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING - - America is the fatherland of Modern Advertising, and Cousin Jonathan’s - inherent taste for fun and unconventionality has led him to adopt - striking and often humorous methods of appeal. Thus the Washington - hotel-keeper who issued a glowing announcement of the attractions of - his establishment would certainly lose nothing when he humorously - added to his advertisement in a Chicago paper: “Clergymen find this - the best place for rest, as book agents cannot climb the hill.” - - An enterprising Yankee who runs a hotel at Minnetonka, rejoicing in - the somewhat ominous name of _Mosquitos Rest_, sends forth an - announcement remarkable for the manner in which it mixes the sublime - with the commonplace. Here is a literal extract-- - - Delightful scenery. Clam bakes and ox tail soup every morning for - breakfast. No cyclones allowed to register. Dogs, children, and other - pets not allowed on the grass. Rates range from 3 dols. per day to 21 - dols. per week. Excursions to Pike’s Peak every afternoon. Newspaper - publishers can all pay their board by promising to give us a write-up - when they get home. All kinds of baths on draft. - - Perhaps the most amusing descent from the sublime is to be found in - the advertisement of the proprietor of a building site in Wisconsin, - who offered his land for sale in these terms-- - - The town of Poggis and surrounding country is the most beautiful which - nature ever made. The scenery is celestial--divine; also two waggons - to sell, and a yoke of steers. - - A Pennsylvania clergyman who was evidently a bit of a humorist, and - was anxious to earn an honest penny outside of his own slender salary, - once advertised thus-- - - Cupid and Hymen. The little brown cottage at Cambridge, Pa., is the - place to call and have the marriage knot promptly and strongly tied. - Inquire of Rev. S. S. Whitcomb. - - What benedict could resist an invitation so gracefully given? - -[Illustration: ROMANCE OF ADVERTISING. - -“I wish, mister, you’d be so good as to stop the Press and put this in a -good place (_reads_): ’Hemily. Don’t delay, but return to yer -broken-arted Adolphus, or there’s no knowing what may be the -consequence!!!’”] - - It would be difficult to surpass the grim humour of the Pine Tree - State gravestone cutter who notified the public as follows--“Such as - buy tombstones of us look with pride and satisfaction upon the graves - of their friends.” The announcement of an Illinois undertaker, - however, runs it pretty close. Here it is--“An elegant stock of neat - and nobby shrouds, warranted to give satisfaction to the most - particular.” - - The column in American papers devoted to “Wants” frequently affords - its readers some amusement, either through the eccentricity of the - advertiser or on account of some printer’s error. To the former cause, - we have to ascribe the appended notice from a Kansas paper-- - - Wanted an old man of cranky disposition, who will stand no - bull-dozing, to work from 3 to 7 p.m.; good salary and light work. - Address “Crank.” - - Let’s hope this plain-spoken advertiser met with the desirable - un-bull-dozable individual he wanted, and that the firm who inserted - the following in a southern paper were likewise successful in their - quest for a young man of the same kidney-- - -[Illustration: ARTIST POET. Yes, I consider that to be one of my most -brilliant effects. It is entitled “Pirates surprised at sunset.” - -EDITOR. Great Scott! Poor fellows, I don’t wonder they were surprised at -it!] - - We desire an able-bodied, hard-featured, bad-tempered, - not-to-be-put-off and not-to-be-backed-down young man, to collect for - us; must furnish his own horse, saddle-bags, pistols, bowie knife and - cowhide. We will furnish the accounts. To such a person we promise - constant and laborious employment. - -As to humour arising from printers’ errors, a whole volume of such -amusing blunders might be collected, and the difficulty is to submit one -or two of the most mirth-provoking specimens. For instance, a Boston -clergyman asks for “a young man to take care of a span of horses of a -religious turn of mind,” while another person desires “a nurse in a -small gentleman’s family,” and a Texas man applies for a “Boss hand over -5,000 sheep that can speak Spanish fluently.” In our home papers, too, -there are many such mirthful mistakes. For example, a notice in a Welsh -paper would lead one to believe the advertiser had reached the height of -“general utility,” and might be used for sleeping in, for packing in, -for hammering about, or for storing goods in, and that he had been -accustomed to that for seventeen years! Look you now-- - - Man seeks situation as bedstead, box, packing case, rough carpentry, - or warehouse; 17 years’ character. - -Apropos of American advertising, two amusing instances of unexpected -effects are worth recording. It was a Cincinnati firm who a few years -ago sent out a corps of artists who decorated all available dead walls -with the legend-- - - +----------------------------+ - | USE DR. BROWN’S AGUE CURE. | - +----------------------------+ - -A few weeks later another band of paint-brush wielders struck the trail -of Dr. Brown’s advertisers, and as the result the rural population was -thus advised-- - - +----------------------------+ - | TAKE SMITH’S SARSAPARILLA, | - | AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO | - | USE DR. BROWN’S AGUE CURE. | - +----------------------------+ - -[Illustration: FANCY PORTRAIT-- - -OLIVER TWIST.] - -It was in Baltimore where the town was liberally supplied with -imperative commands to “Take Ayer’ Pills!” One of these notices was -inscribed on the rail of a board fence immediately underneath which some -zealous colporteur had appropriated a rail for the admonition, “Prepare -to meet your God!” A wag, taking advantage of the situation, connected -the two inscriptions with a conspicuous “_and_,” and thus left them. - -The Jap, a slavish imitator of Western customs, has adopted the methods -of Western advertisement, although his knowledge of the English -language leaves something to be desired. The following is an extract -from an announcement of a certain teeth powder sweetly named -“Naniwakusurihamigaki,” which appeared in an Anglo-Japanese -periodical--“This Teeth Powder is not common thing, as be selled in the -world, it is powerful to hold the health of teeth, and recover the teeth -from its sick. If you only examine you should find that I never tell a -lie.” - -[Illustration: A FACT! - -_Little Quiller has a great idea of the dignity of literature as a -profession, as also of its professors generally--Quiller particularly. -He has submitted a large parcel of MS. to a publisher for approval, and -calls to ascertain the result._ - -PUBLISHER (_loq._). Hoh! Mr. Quiller? Yes, sir, I’ve not read your -stuff, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do; I’ll take it on spec, and toss -you--sudden death--ten bob or nothin’ for it! - - [_Poor little Quiller_] - - Indian native journals published in what is alleged to be English, but - what is better described as “Baboo,” also afford many examples of the - humours of advertising. Let us take one specimen which appeared in the - original surmounted with the Royal Arms-- - - I the undersigned obedient monk and Tomb’s slave of Khaja Mainudin - Chishti emporor of India inhabitant of Ajmere most humbly beg to every - one gentleman, that if anybody might be suffering with demon, fairy, - magic and fury, from any long time, or any sort of patient, who cannot - be cure by any sort of medical treatment, they should attend at Mote - Bazar in Memon Kader Fakir Mohomed’s house No. 383 from 6 to 12 a.m. - and 3 to 5 p.m. all the abovementioned patients will be cure by - pronouncing some words and blowing upon water, spiting and amulet, by - the grace of the Almighty Creator. - - If anybody is suffering with weakness and privacy in eyes, they will - be cure by the medicine. - - If anybody wishes to take examination for the above mentioned - questions, the undersigned can answer for his any question very easily - and several times the undersigned was made contrast with great - enchanter in Calcutta at Kalighat and in Malbar, but by the grace of - God Kaja saket the undersigned has been successful upon them. - - Some days ago the undersigned was in Calcutta, and he cure there lots - of patients by the grace of God, which was related by the Calcutta - Newspapers, hoping several gentlemen might be known by reading the - Calcutta newspapers, and the late Governor General Lord Ripon were - very kind on the undersigned on account of above mentioned abilities, - and many times I had been visited with them in Calcutta and Shamla, - and surely nobody will return hopeless from the door of Khaja Mainudin - Chishti emporor of India by the grace of God. - - The following notice appended for the benefit of local English - residents to the announcement of a masked ball at Lorenço Marques, - also deserves a place among these specimens of the Humours of - Advertising-- - - A great Mascared Ball! - it will take place at Ultramarino Hotel in the 16th of instant - all the mascareds must be in respectible conditions - Mascareds witt religions or politic dresses are not allone - The tikets can be obtaine at Messrs. Rodrigues & Cunha and alco - in the same Evening at the Ultramarino Hotel - Price of the tikets 4/6. Free for the mascared ladies. - Let us go to the Ball. - -[Illustration: Locke on the Human Understanding.] - - A glance at the business life of the far East shows us that out there - Western customs are steadily gaining ground, although in that queer - land of China nothing appears to be new, for long, long ago they - advertised their shops with sign-boards inscribed after this - fashion--“Shop of Heaven-sent Luck,” “The Shop of Celestial - Principles,” “The Nine Felicities Prolonged,” “Mutton Shop of Morning - Twilight,” “The Ten Virtues all Complete.” Here you have poetry and - business combined, while in “The Honest Pen Shop of Li,” you have a - guarantee that your pens will follow the best policy, although the - shopman’s name is just a wee bit suspicious. John Chinaman shows his - love of contrariness surely when he advertises a charcoal shop as the - “Fountain of Beauty,” a coal depôt as “Heavenly Embroidery,” or an oil - and wine establishment as the “Neighbourhood of Chief Beauty,” and we - can easily imagine the fiendish chuckle with which the proprietor of - an opium divan advertised his shop as “The Thrice Righteous.” - - -THE JOURNALISTIC INSTINCT. - - “I have just been having a chat with young Jones. Smart young chap, he - seems, but very unlucky. He’s on the Press, I understand.” - - “Yes; he tries to squeeze a loan out of everybody he meets.” - -[Illustration: Burton on Melancholy.] - -[Illustration: Securing a friend in the Press.] - -[Illustration: Jonathan Wild.] - - -APPROVED BY THE EDITOR - - Wishing to get from Chicago to Memphis, a young newspaper man - purchased a “mileage” book from a “ticket scalper”--or illegal dealer - in unfinished mileage tickets. The book had been the property of a - reporter for the _Louisville Courier-Journal_, and the description in - the cover was alarmingly different from his own. The sharp-eyed - conductor immediately noticed this. - - “Are you on the _Courier-Journal_?” he asked suspiciously. - - “Oh, yes. I’ve been a reporter there for several years.” - - The conductor asked for some identification, which naturally the - passenger was unable to give. - - “I have it,” said the conductor, suddenly remembering. “It just - happens that Henry Watterson, Editor of the _Courier-Journal_, is on - the Pullman ahead. If you’re all right he ought to be able to identify - you.” - - At this the young man all but collapsed. However, there was nothing to - it but to take a chance. When they found Henry Watterson the conductor - handed out the mileage book, and, pointing to the young man, asked if - he was a reporter on the _Courier-Journal_. - - “Yes, indeed,” was the quick reply. “He is one of our best men. How - are you, Robert?” - - Breathing a prayer of thanks, the young man returned to his seat and - resumed his journey without further trouble. Next morning, in the - dining wagon, he saw his friend and timidly approached him. - - “Colonel Watterson,” he said fervently, “I can’t tell you how grateful - I am for what you did for me yesterday. I----” - - “Tut, tut. Don’t mention it,” returned his benefactor. “You did every - bit as much for me. I’m not Henry Watterson. I’m just travelling on - his pass.” - - _Everybody’s Magazine_ (U.S.A.). - - -RULES FOR NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENTS - - Supposing you wish to contribute to a public charity, send your money - to the Editor of a newspaper. He must acknowledge the receipt of it, - and so you get your name and benevolence advertised in the best part - of the paper for nothing. - - 2. Another good method, if you are fond of appearing before the - public, is to request the Editor to state that “the Richard Jones who, - in our police report of yesterday, was sentenced to Bridewell for - shoplifting, is not the Mr. Richard Jones, the respected chiropædist - of Sackville Street.” - - 3. If you are writing to a political newspaper, never mind about - writing on the two sides of the paper, as, depend upon it, it will be - a recommendation in your favour if the Editor sees you can write well - on _both sides_. - - 4. You need not be particular about writing legibly, as it stands to - reason, if the Editor cannot read your letter, that you will be spared - the mortification of reading in the next day’s Notices to - Correspondents, that “Philo-Justitiæ is an ass.” - - 5. It is usual in sending a statement, which impugns the character of - another person, to send your name and address with it; but, as in - matters of libel this is a very troublesome as well as a very - expensive plan, it is better to send anybody else’s card rather than - your own. By this means you avoid publicity, and have the double - gratification of annoying two persons at once. - - 6. Inserting your death one day, and contradicting it the next, is - another very cheap plan of advertising in a newspaper. Besides, you - have the advantage of learning in your lifetime what your friends - think of you after your death. This plan, however, will only answer - once. - - 7. It is better, perhaps, not to send any poetry to a newspaper. We - never recollect an instance of the _Times_ inserting “A Sonnet to a - Sow,” or “Lines to my Mary.” - - 8. Be careful of quotations, especially in a foreign language. If an - editor knows his own language well, it is as much as you have a right - to expect of him. - - 9. Never send anything to a newspaper “to be continued,” unless it is - a legacy or a dozen of port. - - 10. Never trouble yourself in calling to see the Editor of a - newspaper. It is a strange circumstance, but you might call a hundred - times and always find him “out.” - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration: A NEW READING. - -_Dedicated to the Publishers of Shilling Shakespeares._ - - “And when the fit was on him, I did mark----”--_Julius Cæsar_, Act i. - Sc. i.] - - -LITERARY FLUNKEYISM - -We sink in our own estimation as we sit down to write; we blush -involuntarily, although we are in the deepest solitude; we look at our -arm, in dread lest we should find a napkin hanging on it, in true -waiterish attitude; we rush to the glass to ascertain whether our neck -is encompassed by the conventional little white tie; and we have to look -around us. No wonder! For just look here! Did audacity ever go so far? -Was impertinence ever so consummate? - - A gentleman, disengaged after six p.m., requires evening employment, - in any capacity not menial. Good correspondent and accountant, - draughtsman and composer. Would undertake London correspondence of a - country paper, write critiques, etc. Terms moderate.--Address, W., - etc. - -A “gentleman” who wants employment “in any capacity not _menial_,” -“would undertake London correspondence of a country paper, write -critiques,” etc. Obviously the advertiser considers literature something -a little above the work of a menial. We are, of course, obliged for this -admission. Nevertheless, we confess the above advertisement has given us -some doubts as to whether we shan’t find Jeames, with his fine leg, on -Grub-street pavement one of these days. We would advise “W.” to go to a -Dutchman, who advertises that he can supply “literary hacks”; the -literary livery stables are situated somewhere up in Bloomsbury; and, no -doubt, for a small sum he may be groomed down any time after six, and, -with the help of a farthing rushlight in a dark lantern, find his way up -Parnassus. We can tell him, however, that it would be advisable to avoid -the Temple of FUN, as individuals similarly constituted to himself have -before now been severely kicked, as a reward for their audacity, in that -neighbourhood. - - _Fun_, 1863. - - - - -[Illustration: STUDIES FROM THE STUDY - -FIRST STUDENT. Just my luck! I wired to the governor to send me £5 for -some books. - -SECOND STUDENT. He refused? - -FIRST STUDENT. No, he’s sent the books.] - -[Illustration: RETURNED--WITH THANKS. - -“If you please, sir, master’s sent back the first volume, and he says, -will you be so good as to let him ’ave the second?”] - - -HUMOURS OF OUR LANGUAGE - -(OR, MORE “POETS AT PLAY.”) - - The anomalies of English spelling and pronunciation have many a time - served our humorous writers with capital material for their rhymes. - The following is one of the cleverest of the kind referred to:-- - - As a farmer was going to plough, - He met a man driving a cough, - They had words which led to a rough, - And the farmer was struck on his brough. - - One day when the weather was rough, - An old lady went out for some snough, - Which she thoughtlessly placed in her mough, - And it got scattered all over her cough. - - While a baker was kneading his dough, - A weight fell down on his tough, - When he suddenly exclaimed ough! - Because it had hurt him sough. - - There was a hole in a hedge to get through, - It was made by no one knew whough; - In getting through a boy lost his shough, - And was quite at a loss what to dough. - - A poor old man had a bad cough, - To a doctor he straight went ough, - The doctor did nothing but scough, - And said ’twas all fancy, his cough. - -[Illustration: A QUEER CUT. - -Well! Perhaps Messrs. Quarto, Canto, and Sons, the well known -publishers, have some right to complain of the artist who sent in this -as one of the illustrations for their forthcoming edition of _Byron_. -The artist says it illustrates the line: - -“Whacks to receive, and marble to retain.” - - _Beppo_, stanza xxxiv.] - - Alliteration has long been a favourite target for the arrows of wits, - though most of them are forced to acknowledge its “artful aid.” It - requires a very considerable command of the English language, however, - before a rhymester can concoct five quatrains in which every word - commences with the same letter. This is the diverting composition - here referred to; it is supposed to be a serenade sung by Major - Marmaduke Muttonhead to Mademoiselle Madeline Mendoza Marriott-- - - My Madeline! My Madeline! - Mark my melodious midnight moans, - Much may my melting music mean, - My modulated monotones. - - My mandoline’s mild minstrelsy, - My mental music magazine, - My mouth, my mind, my memory, - Must mingling murmur “Madeline.” - - Mankind’s malevolence may make - Much melancholy music mine; - Many my motives may mistake, - My modest meritings malign. - - Match-making mothers machinate, - Manœuvring misses me misween; - Mere money may make many mate, - My magic motto’s “Madeline.” - - Melt most mellifluous melody - ’Midst Murcia’s misty mounts marine, - Meet me by moonlight--marry me, - Madonna mia--Madeline. - -[Illustration: THE PURSUIT OF LETTERS.] - -[Illustration: THE GRAND MARCH OF INTELLECT.] - -[Illustration: LIBRARIAN. You asked to see the catalogue of the letter -P, sir? I’m sorry it’s not yet completed, sir, but I’ve brought you all -there is, as far as it goes. - -Depend upon it, the Catalogue of the British Museum is not a work for -one time, but for all ages!] - - The following is another and more varied example of alliteration - wilfully overdone-- - - With a splitter, splatter, splutter - And a gurgling in the gutter. - And a tinkle, tankle, tunkle on the shingle and the pane. - With a misty, murky mizziness, - Settling down to steady business, - Comes the dreary, drowsy, drooling of the dripping, dropping rain. - - With a sizzle, sozzle, suzzle, - Buttoned upward to the muzzle, - The weary waiting walker drags his rubbers from the mud: - While the dizzy, dodging, dancing, - Of the umber-ella prancing, - Drives a man to lurid longings for some other fellow’s blood. - - Oh, the breezy brooks may babble. - And the gentle poet dabble - In his veering vernal verses and fond memories they bring; - But no earthly rhyme or reason - Makes believe in such a season - That this wishy-washy weather is a cloudy ghost of spring. - -[Illustration: THE AGE OF INTELLECT.] - - These specimens may not be the best that can be quoted; I do not - suppose they are, and should indeed be audacious were I to submit them - as such. Addison’s assertion as to false wit will, no doubt, stand as - firm as ever in the minds of most people after reading these notes on - “The Poets at Play.” All that has been here attempted, and thus much - perhaps the indulgent reader will grant, has been to show that there - may be found in what the famous essayist would have us condemn as - unworthy many characteristics of wit, humour, and ingenuity; and not - only these, but examples of the patience and painstaking which are - near allied to “genius.” - -[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE--IRRITABLE GENTLEMAN DISTURBED BY A -BLUEBOTTLE.] - - -MORE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING - - Perhaps the Americans are ahead of us in advertising; but there is no - little enterprise and good humour displayed in that business on this - side the Atlantic. In the street of a northern town one day, the - writer was presented with a handbill which will bear comparison with - many such transatlantic compositions. It was issued by a tea merchant, - whom we will refer to as “Smith.” In great black letters was the - heading, “Ananias Redivivus,” then came the pointed queries, “Had - Ananias any descendants? If so, what became of them? Did they emigrate - to Scotland?” From the contents of the bill I take the following, - which, I should state, was “displayed” in a most effective manner-- - - The judge says the resetter is as bad as the thief. - - Smith says the foolish buyer is as bad as the lying advertiser. - - The judge says, no resetters, fewer thieves. - - Smith says, no foolish buyers, no lying advertisers. - - Why? Because, if there were no fools, it wouldn’t pay. - - Thus the resetter is only responsible for some of the thieves; but the - stupid, foolish buyer is entirely responsible for all the lying - advertisers; and by dealing with them becomes a participator with them - in their wickedness, which brought such disastrous consequences upon - Ananias. - - But the way to know them is this--Use all the common-sense you have - been blessed with, and when you read such an advertisement as--“Best - tea the world produces, 1_s._ 7_d._ per lb.,” if you don’t say the - advertiser is a common, bare-faced perverter of the truth, a lineal - descendant of Ananias, one with whom poor old Ananias would not have - had the ghost of a chance for boldness and audacity, then you have - been blessed with very little. - - But did it pay Ananias? Will it pay his descendants? - - Here is a text for our popular preachers. I have actually heard - well-dressed, intelligent-looking people praise such men as clever; as - if it were clever to tell a lie, a game at which the biggest rogue can - beat the best gentleman. - - Lately the Chinese objected to the government planting a certain kind - of tree in their streets. When asked the reason, they said it would - spoil their business, as it was one of their holy trees, and they - could not tell a lie under its shade. - -[Illustration: AN AWFUL APPARITION! - -MRS. T. (_to T., who has been reading the popular novel_). Pray, Mr. -Tomkins, are you never coming upstairs? - -How much longer are you going to sit up with that _Woman in White_?] - - A few trees of this sort wanted in the streets of Glasgow. - - Now, although not under the shade of a holy tree, I speak the truth - when I most emphatically declare that my tea at 1_s._ 6_d._ per lb. is - better than that sold as the “best tea the world produces, 1_s._ 7_d._ - per lb.” - - We have in the foregoing an instance of a disciple of the good George - Washington airing his Biblical knowledge, and in the same way we find - a Birmingham bootmaker parading his acquaintance with the divine - Shakespeare thus wise-- - - “I pray you, sir, walk in.”--_Merry Wives of Windsor, ii. 5._ - - “And I will boot thee.”--_Ant. and Cleo., i. 1._ - - “We lay our service freely at your feet.”--_Hamlet, ii. 2._ - - Why does not some cobbler making use of the bard’s writings thus--“All - that I live by is with the awl. I meddle with no tradesman’s matters - nor women’s matters but with awl. I am, indeed, sir, surgeon to old - shoes; when they are in great danger I recover them.” [Trade journals - please copy.] - - These shoemakers would appear to be quite a literary lot, for in a - certain east coast town of Scotland an enterprising member of the - craft enlisted the tuneful muses to extol his trade--or, mayhap, it - was some relative of the poet “Slum” who rolled his eye in a fine - frenzy, and produced these exquisite lines-- - - Gae bring my auld topcoat, guidwife, - Gae bring it unco fast, - For I maun gang to Marshall’s shop - Afore the nicht be past; - My feet are damp, my boots are dune, - An’ sae I canna rest - Till I’m awa’ to Marshall’s shop, - For Marshall’s boots are best. - - The English papers, like their American contemporaries, are rich in - amusing advertisements of the “wants” class. Here is one that appeared - in a newspaper published in a university town, which probably - accounted for the “scholarly” tone of the notice-- - - MISSING.--A black spaniel dog named “Blen,” whose owner’s address - is---- It is asserted by some that Honesty is the Best Policy, and - that Virtue is its own Reward. If the present possessor of the dog - supports this view, his course is clear. In any case, no greater - reward will be offered. - -[Illustration: HOW NO. 4 ENJOYED HIMSELF. - -HOW NO. 7 SUFFERED IN CONSEQUENCE. - -THE MUSICAL NEIGHBOUR.] - -[Illustration: GENTLEMAN, WISHING TO REFER TO THE CATALOGUE OF THE -BRITISH MUSEUM, IS SHOWN A VERY SMALL PORTION OF THAT WORK.] - -[Illustration: PROFESSOR. Of course you will be prepared with your -analytical papers? - -UNDERGRADUATE. Anna Lettical? I don’t know her, sir; but I know a -capital song about Annie Laurie, if you’d like to hear that!] - - The gentleman who inserted the following in a London daily, and - desired replies to be sent to “Disgusted,” had apparently experienced - the joys of life in lodgings-- - - REQUIRED, in the West End, for a permanency, sitting and two large - bedrooms, nicely furnished. Do not reply if related to the nobility, - unaccustomed to receive, or animated by any other reason than a desire - to secure the amount paid for apartments, etc. Marketing done - personally. Careless or unskilled preparation, waste, or mysterious - disappearance of the things provided not tolerated. So-called musical - evenings, cheerful family, tennis lawns, imitation gardens, select - society, etc., regarded with indifference. Hypocrisy and snobbishness - disliked. Preferred and insisted upon instead--good cooking, prompt - attendance, scrupulous neatness, and a plentiful supply of clean house - linen. A written agreement to be made and mutually complied with. - State inclusive terms and full particulars. N.B.--Inclusive terms - means “no extras.” - - A London weekly once gave insertion to the appended notice, evidently - the work of a wag, and intended as a skit upon a rather romantic - episode which transpired about the time, when a lady played kidnapper, - and a member of the sterner sex figured as the kidnapped-- - - MATRIMONY.--Wanted, a rich American or English lady to kidnap - advertiser, who is of fine physique and well developed, in fact, a - Samson, who would not mind a trip with comfortable quarters on board a - yacht during the honeymoon, especially if the lady is amiable. - Genuine. - - This recalls an advertisement from an otherwise-minded young man. It - appeared in an American paper-- - - A YOUNG gentleman on the point of getting married is desirous of - meeting a man of experience who will dissuade him from such a step. - - Probably some one referred this cautious youth to _Punch_, of a - certain date, where the proper advice was given. - -[Illustration] - - -HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN. - -_Ballad for Music._ - - I met him in the festive scene, - Where hearts and eyes were bright; - I met him--ah, we ne’er had been - Acquainted till that night. - - I met him once again: ’twas where - The warbling queens of song - With liquid music filled the air, - And hushed the listening throng. - - Next day he came to make a call - I’d lodgings then at Brown’s-- - He stayed an hour, that was not all, - He borrowed two half-crowns. - - This world is but a wilderness, - Of grief and tears and pain-- - I travel onward--but you’ll guess, - He never called again. - - _Fun_, 1866. - -[Illustration: MISS FRUMP (_author of the “Ghoul-haunted Grange,” etc., -etc., etc._). Can your little boy read? - -MAMMA (_modestly_). Not very well, as yet. - -LITTLE BOY (_pertly_). I can read better than _you_, mamma. - -MAMMA. What _do_ you mean, child? - -LITTLE BOY. Why, _you_ said you couldn’t read Miss Frump’s new book! - - [_Awkward silence._] - - -A DANGEROUS WRITER - - Young Jonathan’s a pet of mine - For poetry and prose; - I think his books are jolly fine - (As literature goes). - One Yankee, though, I _cannot_ read; - He makes me shudder so. - He’s very dangerous indeed, - Is Edgar Allen Poe. - - I dearly love the simple style - Of Irving at his best, - And think that Hawthorne is a mile - In height above the rest. - I keep upon my shelves the works - Of Wendell Holmes; but, oh! - What fearful fascination lurks - In Edgar Allen Poe. - - We learn from Henry Wadsworth L. - That life is not a dream, - In lines that read extremely well, - But “are not what they seem.” - I’ve studied Henry Wadsworth hard, - From lots of years ago, - And found in _him_ a safer bard - Than Edgar Allen Poe. - - He draws you like a rattlesnake, - Does Mr. E. A. P., - His tales have kept me wide awake - Till two o’clock and three. - Those stories have a deeper charm - Than any ones I know-- - But, bless you! there’s a heap of harm - In Edgar Allen Poe. - - His narrative about a cat - Will make your blood run cold, - So fearful a romance as that - Has never yet been told. - The Pit and Pendulum will send - A thrill from top to toe. - Pure horror seems the aim and end - Of Edgar Allen Poe. - - I’ve dreamt of Ravens and of Bells-- - Of undiscovered crimes-- - Of haunted glens and ghostly dells, - At least a dozen times. - And often on a winter night, - My courage ran so low - I dare not sleep without a light-- - Through Edgar Allen Poe. - - _Fun_, 1867. - - -THE PHILOSOPHER’S REVENGE - -A STORY WITHOUT WORDS - -IN SIXTEEN CHAPTERS. - -(_The right of translation is reserved._) - -[Illustration: CHAPTER I.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER II.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER III.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER IV.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER V.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER VI.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER VII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER VIII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER IX.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER X.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XI.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XIII.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XIV.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XV.] - -[Illustration: CHAPTER XVI. (THE END.)] - - - - -[Illustration: FUN IN THE STUDIO - -IRISH MODEL. Would ye moind telling me, sorr, who was the greatest -arrrtist iver been--av course, prisent company always excepted!] - - -[Illustration: ARTIST (_to country model_). You’d better “rest” a bit. -Sitting still seems very tiring to you. - -MODEL (_mindful of instructions of local photographer’s_). It ain’t the -sitting still, mister. It’s the ’olding me breath!] - - * * * * * - -According to a most unlikely story, the late Phil May was once on his -uppers in a small town in Australia. To stave off starvation he sought -and found employment as a waiter in a fourth-class eating house. One day -a man who had known the artist in London dropped in and took a seat at -one of the tables. When May went to take his order mutual recognition -followed. - -“Phil May!” the visitor exclaimed. “And compelled to work in a hole like -this!” - -“Yes,” retorted the artist indignantly. “I’ve sunk pretty low, but I -haven’t yet got so far down that I have to eat here.” - -[Illustration: WHOLESALE! - -PATRON (_yawning_). Augh, well, these sort of things are all much the -same to me. I’ll take a lot by weight--mounts and all. How much a pound -for this lot?] - -[Illustration: “QUALIFICATIONS.” - -PAINTER (_who has always been ambitious of “writing himself down an -R.A.”_). Think they might have elected me, having exhibited and had my -name down all these years! I might have---- - -FRIEND (_man o’ the world_). My dear fellow, I’ve always told you, you -don’t go the right way to work. You see they _could_ only elect you for -your painting, for--why do you wear such thick boots?!!] - -[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES. - -ARTIST. Hullo, Jakes! How’s this? I’ve been trying to do without you--I -thought you said you couldn’t come this morning? - -MODEL. So I did, sir! I was engaged to Mr. Macmough, to sit for the legs -in the Dook of Hipswich’s portrait. - -ARTIST. Well? - -MODEL. Well, sir, whiles I were a-sitt’n, the Dook he come in quite -hunexpected like; an’ when he see me, he says he’d a deal sooner sit for -his legs hisself. So _I_ come on straight here!] - -[Illustration: “ASKING FOR IT.” - -FEROCIOUS DEALER. Now, if any man will tell me that that’s a copy, -I’ll--I’ll knock him down!--What’s your candid opinion?] - -[Illustration: THE COMMERCIAL SIDE. - -PAINTER. You don’t mean to say you want me to sign it, when I tell you I -did not paint it? And a beastly copy it is, too! - -PICTURE-DEALER. Vy not, goot sir? vy not? Tut! tut! tut! I only vish you -artis’s vos men of bis’ness!] - -[Illustration: GADDY’S ACADEMY PICTURE ON VIEW. - -ART CRITIC. You see you’ve got the duke seated and the duchess standing -up. Now couldn’t you make the duchess sitting down and the duke standing -up? - -[_But Gaddy fears the council will not put off the exhibition for a -couple of months to enable him to take advantage of his friend’s -valuable suggestion._] - -[Illustration: “FLATTERING.” - -COOK. Laukadaisy me, Miss Mary, if it ain’t a’most like wax-work, I dew -declare!] - -[Illustration: PROFESSION AND PRACTICE. - -PAINTER. Wouldn’t care to be a painter, eh? - -MODEL. Dear, no, sir! Rather be a doctor--their work ain’t so -criticised, and it don’t much matter whether it’s kill or cure.] - -[Illustration: RAPID GENIUS. ’Ow do I manage it? Why, fust of all I -takes the brown and does all the cats and the rinds of the cheeses--then -I takes the yaller and goes over the cheeses, and puts in eyes and -stripes to the cats. With a brush o’ black I puts in the bottles and the -mice; finishes up with a dab o’ white on the bottles and in the mice’s -heyes--and there you are!] - -[Illustration: CRITIC. De bicture you haff bainted is most peautiful; -der is only von vordt in the English langweege vot describes eet, and I -haf vorgotten eet.] - -[Illustration: JONES (_to Brown, who has been to a ball at Robinson’s_). -Many women there? - -BROWN. No; only their mothers.] - -[Illustration: FOR EXHIBITION? - -PAINTER. Oh! they won’t hang it, I know--’tis of no use sending it. - -WIFE. Well, Michael, if you keep it here they won’t hang it, we -know--send it and try: they hang bad pictures sometimes. - - [_Michael is encouraged._] - -[Illustration: PRETTY INNOCENT. - -LADY. Oh, Mr. Mastic, why do artists have screens about their studios? - -ARTIST. To back up the figures, and so on. - -LADY. Oh, really! Well, I thought it was to keep the bedstead and all -that out of sight, you know.] - -[Illustration: “AYE, THERE’S THE RUB!” - -IRASCIBLE PATRON (_who has wiped out a good deal of Funkie’s great -work_). Confound your nasty picture, sir! See what it has done! The -canvas is reeking with paint, sir--positively reeking! It’s disgraceful! - - [_Exit in a whirlwind._] - -[Illustration: ARTIST (_to his hypochondriacal friend with an -independence_). Ah! my dear fellow, if you had to work hard and get your -own living as we have, you’d have no dyspepsia, I’ll be bound; -good-bye.] - -[Illustration: THE MARCH OF SCIENCE. - -ARTIST (_as a hint to his friend_). Bless me! Five o’clock! I had no -idea it was so late. How quickly time does fly now! - -YANKEE. Which I calc’late it’s all owin’ to the vast improvements -effected in clocks by our great country.] - -[Illustration: THE REAL. - -MARY JANE _in reply to_ OLIVIA. - -“The same romantic creature as ever! His name is not Algernon, but plain -Robert; and he’s not an Apelles, but a hard-working fellow, with enough -of genius to make me proud of him. As to his model--etc., etc. - - [_For “The Ideal,” see p. 156._] - -[Illustration: PLEASURES OF THE STUDIO. - -At the beginning of April, when every moment is of consequence, Mr. -Flake White’s model for Hamlet appears with a black eye, which he -declares is the effect of influenza.] - -[Illustration: A HAPPY MEDIUM. - -DEALER. Ah! there’s good transparency there. What do you mix your colour -with? - -ARTIST. Brains.] - -[Illustration: THE IDEAL. - -_From_ OLIVIA _to_ MARY JANE - -“And so, _dearest_, you have married _an artist!_ How like you, who was -always such an admirer of the _beautiful_. * * * I can see you ’_in my -mind’s eye_’; your Algernon (his name _is_ Algernon, is it not, -dearest?) seated like _another_ Apelles at his easel, whilst you, his -own Cantaspe, make the most graceful of models. You remember---- - - “Apelles, when Cantaspe’s form he drew, - Bade her remove the look of love she wore, - Lest others should adore,” etc., etc. - - [_For “The Real,” see page 154._] - -[Illustration: ARTIST. My big picture? I haven’t painted in the two -principal figures yet; because I can’t find anybody pretty enough to sit -for them. Ah! Miss _Mary_, if I could only induce _you_ just to---- - -MISS BRIDGET. Oh! my _dear_ Mr. M’Gilp, we should _both_ be only too -delighted! When shall we come to your studio? How shall we dress? and -what style of coiffure? - - [_Now, what_ is _a fellow to say in such a fix as this?_] - - * * * * * - -James McNeill Whistler and a friend, strolling through a London suburb, -met a small boy. Whistler asked him his age. - -“Seven,” the boy replied. - -“Oh, you must be more than seven,” said Whistler doubtingly. - -“Seven,” insisted the boy, rather pleased at being taken for older. - -Turning to his friend, Whistler said, “Do you think it possible that he -really could have got as dirty as that in only seven years?” - -[Illustration: ANSWERS FOR OUR ARTIST.--“Biddy Maloney, just you look at -that clock! Didn’t I tell you last night to knock at my door at eight -this morning?” - -“An’ so ye did, sir, and I came to the door at eight sure enough, but I -heard ye was making no noise at all!” - -“Well, why the dickens didn’t you knock, and wake me?” - -“Sure, and because I feared yez might be fast asleep!”] - -[Illustration: THE MOTHER OF INVENTION. - -Mrs. Fred doesn’t care how long she sits for her “dear Fred,” so long as -her “darling Freddy” is in some safe place where he can’t get into -mischief.] - -[Illustration: KINDLY MEANT. - -CHROME (_to friend_). Well, and how do I get on with the doublet? Is it -more like leather? - -CONSCIENTIOUS FRIEND. Why, no; I can’t say it is--but (_apologetically_) -you’ve got the face very like leather.] - -[Illustration: PAINTER (_aghast_).--Good heavens, man! Where’s your -beard? What have you done to your face? - -MODEL. Me, sir? Naethin, but just made my whiskers a wee thing decent -wi’ the shears. - -PAINTER. Then you’re an utterly ruined man, sir! and I’m very sorry for -you. You’re not worth twopence. Good-morning.] - -[Illustration: How some of the old painters _must_ have worked to get -through anything like the number of “original” pictures attributed to -them.] - -[Illustration: STUDIO PERSUASION. - -_Our friend Jack McGilp to excited partner, who has just the head for -his picture of “A Husband’s Revenge.”_--So she won’t stand any longer, -won’t she? Of course she won’t. _I’ll get a model._ - - [_The effect is magical._] - -[Illustration: COOK. Lawks, miss, it’s beautiful; but I’d no idea your -pa was a portrait painter!] - -[Illustration: A MODEL HUSBAND AND A LAY FIGURE. - -What Miss Grundy saw in her brother-in-law’s studio. - -_What Miss Grundy said about it to her sister._--“Perfectly -disgraceful--and to crown it all she was bald!”] - -[Illustration: MARVELLOUS! - -YOUNG LADY. Ah! really, Mr. Splurge, I can’t think how you manage to -paint with such taste. - -MR. S. Simply by holding my palate in my hand, I assure you.] - -[Illustration: A VISIT TO THE STUDIO. - -MR. OCHRE (_through whose frame a thrill of horror is supposed to be -passing_). Ugh! mind what you’re about, Charley. Mind my Ophelia; mind -my Ophelia! You’ll knock her over, and spoil all her folds!] - -[Illustration: SCENE IN A STUDIO. - -Jack Armstrong has painted a modern subject, from real life, and painted -it uncommonly well.--Strange to say, he has sold his picture. - -Messrs. Feeble and Potter (_very high-art men, who can’t get on -without mediæval costume, and all the rest of it_) think it a -mistake.--Curiously enough, _their_ pictures are unsold.] - -[Illustration: Ballet of action with which Sparkles (who says he is so -hard at work at his picture), and his friend and model, Jack Bounce, -refresh themselves in the intervals of labour.] - -[Illustration: TURPS _v._ TURPITUDE. - -The above represents a slight mistake made by Scumble’s new charwoman, -who, being “partial to her drops,” thought she had a chance.] - -[Illustration: ONE USE FOR “DUNDREARYS.” (1863.) - -Fitzdab (_who does the Dundreary sort of thing_) having brought his -whiskers to a pitch of perfection seldom equalled, gives the finishing -touches to Dolly Jenkins’s portrait with the tips.] - -[Illustration: ACCOMMODATING! - -STERN PARENT. Too fat for a page, you think, sir? Um! You see, sir, if -so be you could wait a week or so, we could redooce him wery easy.] - -[Illustration: COTTON LORD (_“coming” the noble patron_). Haw--I was -indooced to buy a little picture of yours, the other day, Stodge, -haw---- - -ARTIST (_who does not seem to see it_). Lucky fellow!!] - -[Illustration: “NOBLESSE OBLIGE!” - -STODGE (_in answer to the reproachful look of his cabman_). Well, it’s -your right fare; you know that as well as I do! - -CABBY. Oh! which I’m well aware o’ that, sir! But--(“_more in sorrow -than in anger_”)--an’ you a artis’, sir!! - - [_Gets another shilling!_] - -[Illustration: OUR ART-SCHOOL CONVERSAZIONE. - -At which (in consequence of the increased space anticipated at the R.A. -exhibition) there is a greater crowd than usual. - -MODEL (_who has charge of the hats and coats_). No. 97? Yessir. There -now! If I didn’t see that ’at--ah--not a quarter of an hour ago!! - - [_Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield, who has barely - time to catch his last train!_] - -[Illustration: OUR ARTIST THINKS OF PAINTING A PICTURE FROM MACAULAY’S -“IVRY,” - -AND DECLAIMS THE POEM TO A PROSAIC PARTY. - -OUR ARTIST (_ore rot._). “* * * * * - - Charge by the golden lilies! upon them with the lance! - A thousand spurs are striking deep, a thousand spears in rest, - A thousand knights are pressing close behind----” - -PROSAIC PARTY (_interrupting_). Hullo! - -OUR ARTIST. Eh? - -PROSAIC PARTY. Why, hang it, that’s only one spur a-piece!] - -[Illustration: “SHARP’S THE WORD.” - -_Enter Lord Blasonby (hastily) to sit for his portrait in Stodge’s -picture of the Chalkshire hunt._ - -STODGE. I understood you to say you would come yesterday, my lord; and I -am engaged this morning. Lady Flouncer is coming at one o’clock. - -MY LORD. Haw! just in time, then. Cut away. You’ve got a good ten -minutes. Wants a quarter to one, now!] - - “I ordered you to paint me some cows in a stable. I see the stable, - but where are the cows?” - - “They are in the stable.” - - “So is your pay for this picture. You had better bring both out.” - -[Illustration: THE SYMPATHIES OF ART. - -TAILOR (_to artist customer_). Looky ’ere, sir,--I’ll put it to you! -you’re a drawer yourself, and if you knew the years I’ve been studyin’ -the ’uman figger--you wouldn’t tell me that coat don’t fit!] - -[Illustration: UNDER A GREAT MASTER.] - -[Illustration: FAST COLOURS. - -ARTIST (READING NOTE FROM OBLIGED FRIEND). Um,--um,--much obliged to you -for the loan of your Bedouin’s dress--(um,--um,)--will return it in a -day or two, as I’ve, (ah! what!) sent it--to--the WASH!! - - [_The artist’s feelings (for colour - especially) may be easier imagined - than described._] - -[Illustration: NOBODY DESIRES THE PAINTER TO MAKE HIM AS UGLY AND AS -RIDICULOUS AS POSSIBLE. - -(In this engraving by George Cruikshank the figure of the artist is a -portrait of Cruikshank himself.)] - - * * * * * - -“What colour of hair do you prefer, Mr. Baldwon, black or blonde?” - -“I would not care what colour it was, if I only had some!” - - * * * * * - -“Your last book, madame, had a colossal success.” - -“I should say so! Every one of my three divorced husbands wanted to -re-marry me!” - - * * * * * - -A great man was complaining of all the charities to which he was forced -to contribute. - -“I give without counting,” he groaned. - -“Yes, but not without recounting,” replied a friend. - -[Illustration: PERFECT SINCERITY; OR, THINKINGS ALOUD. - -ARTIST NO. 1. There, Master Oker, I flatter myself that will take the -shine out of your precious production, although you do think nobody can -paint but yourself. - -ARTIST NO. 2. Hey! dear, dear, dear! That’s very bad. By jove, my boy, -it’s a dreadful falling-off from last year. If I were you, I should -think twice before I sent it in. - -ARTIST NO. 1. Mere envy--illiberal humbug.] - - * * * * * - -PROFESSOR. I came in accordance with an invitation I received to examine -your collection of curiosities. - -PARVENU (_just returned from long voyage_). Certainly, professor, walk -right in. Allow me to first introduce to you my wife and daughters. - -[Illustration: EASILY SATISFIED. - -FOND PARENT. I don’t care, Mr. Medium, about it’s being highly finished; -but I should like the dear child’s expression preserved.] - - * * * * * - -FIRST AUTHOR. “Well, what do you think of the book of our colleague -Tintinger?” - -SECOND AUTHOR. “Oh, what a shameless bidder for notoriety!” - -“What! How so?” - -“Did you not read the dedication, ’To my mother-in-law, with sincere -esteem’?” - - * * * * * - -FIRST ARTIST. Well, are you satisfied with the appreciation that marine -view of yours has received? - -SECOND ARTIST. Delighted. Two women just stopped in front of it and one -said to the other, “It just makes me seasick to look at it.” - -[Illustration: THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. - -FRAME-MAKER (_who comes to measure Stodge’s academy pictures_). Now, I -think it’s a pity you don’t let me have some o’ these for my winder, -since you have no idea of the amount of rubbish I can get rid of at -times.] - - * * * * * - -There has been much discussion as to the assistance that photography -might render judicial authorities in enabling the arrest of criminals. - -Yet this is what recently occurred in France. Six photographs in -different poses of the same criminal who had escaped from prison were -sent out to all the communes of France. From the mayor of one of these -districts the following letter was received: - -“Five of the criminals whose photographs you sent have already been -arrested; we are on the track of the sixth.” - -[Illustration: AS SCUMMLES’S PICTURES ARE INVARIABLY “SKYED” AT THE -ROYAL ACADEMY, HE HAS GIVEN UP HIGH FINISH, AND ADAPTS HIS STYLE TO THE -CIRCUMSTANCES!] - - - - -[Illustration: ROUND THE GALLERIES - -CAUTION.--(To the two young ladies in pink bonnets who expressed such -enthusiasm about Mr. B. Stubbs’s pictures, and would so like to see that -“dear Mr. Stubbs.”) The tall young man who on overhearing the above -praise, wetted his pocket-handkerchief, and removed an imaginary speck -of dust from Mr. S.’s picture, thereby trying to convey the impression -that he was the fortunate man who had painted it, is some impudent -impostor, and never touched a canvas before in his life. Mr. B. Stubbs -is a good-looking, _short_ man, with wideawake, auburn beard and -spectacles.] - - -PAINTERS AND GAZERS - -A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY - -[Illustration] - - I had hopes--I know that they have proved to be unfounded, but I - cannot admit that they were unreasonable!--I _had_ hopes that I should - have been able to avail myself of the privilege of free admission - conceded to exhibitors. Unfortunately, I do not exhibit! - - I sent three pictures! 1 (a pre-Raphaelite bit of nature), “Docks and - Marsh Mallows”; 2 (an attempt to depict a really unhackneyed - historical situation), “Charles the Second in the Oak”; 3 (a genre - painting), “The New Crinoline.” - - If it were becoming (which it is not) I could say a good deal about - these works; but I forbear to do so. _They were all three rejected by - the Hanging Committee._ - - I have accordingly paid my shilling, and I mean to take it out in - criticism. The Academicians have exercised _their_ rights; I shall use - mine. There will be plenty of hacks to fawn upon the imbecile - canvas-spoilers, the miserable, crass, cringing, dull, feeble, - superannuated, impotent, and abject Forty. Of those hacks I decline to - be one. Honest truth (uninfluenced by passion) is what the wretched - dotards shall hear from _me_. - -[Illustration] - - I saw men prowling about (there was Mr. Thackeray, for instance, as - large as life, and a host of other “successful” men--_I_ hate - success!) who had evidently made up their minds to be pleased with - this, the most disreputable Exhibition that ever degraded British Art. - Let them. Thoughts is free, as Mrs. Brown said at the play; _and so - are mine_. It is all very well to get a set of literary time-servers - to hob and nob with Academicians at the annual orgie which disgraces - Trafalgar-square, and on which hundreds of pounds are spent that ought - to be devoted to the development of talent such as that of--well, of - some I _could_ name; but _I_ was never invited to the so-called - banquet. Banquet, indeed! I would rather maintain my honest - independence, though I had nothing to eat but a polony--and this is - sometimes the case! Look at young Mr. Marcus Stone. I’ll be bound to - say _he_ never eats polonies--and yet all London is talking of his - “Napoleon,” whilst my “New Crinoline” has not yet met even with a - dealer! - -[Illustration: AN ARTIST’S DREAM, AFTER SENDING IN HIS PICTURES WET TO -THE ROYAL ACADEMY.] - - Look at Mr. Ruskin. What did they do to _him_? Why, they asked him to - dinner! What was the result? - - His Critical Notes have never appeared since!! Not that it matters - much. - -[Illustration: The advantage of the practice of “athletic exercises” by -young painters, as recommended by a great critic.] - -[Illustration: The proprietors of the Royal Academy don’t see why they -should be troubled with so many works by other fellows. Oh dear, no! Let -them exhibit their pictures outside!] - - Exhibition, indeed! Why, you can’t see anything--not that there is - much to see--for the crowd of gaping women that block up the hideous - and uncomfortable rooms with their preposterous crinoline--and yet the - Academicians rejected _mine_! Then, the “swells”--a set of lounging - insipid imbeciles, drawling out their vapid Dundrearyisms--and the old - fogies, wagging their stupid old heads--I should like to knock a few - of them together!--and the smug, smiling fellows whose pictures have - been accepted--and the “Art-Critics,” who pretend to see power in a - man like Millais, and poetry in a man like Hook, and humour in a man - like Marks, but who are far too high and mighty, I promise you, to - come up four pair of stairs and see my “Marsh Mallows,”--and if they - did, they couldn’t appreciate them! There, I’m tired of the whole - concern--pictures and painters and visitors and all--and Mrs. Edwards - is bothering me for the rent--and, unless you print this, to show up - the impostors, and send the money by return, I shall have to paint - sign-boards. David Cox painted one--and I dare say did it badly--for I - never thought much of _him_! Or any other man! - - _Fun_, 1863. - -[Illustration: PLEASURES OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.] - -[Illustration: ART IN THE NATIONAL GALLERY. - -ENID (_with catalogue_). Aren’t they splendid? - -EILEEN (_using picture as mirror_). Yes, I _must_ say I like these dark -Rembrandts.] - -[Illustration: OUTSIDE THE ROYAL ACADEMY. - -“You were a silly ass to talk of Botticelli in that way just now. Why, -it’s not a wine, it’s a cheese!”] - -[Illustration: THE CHARMING FASHION OF LONG SKIRTS (1862). - -Honestly, now--which of the two ought to apologize to the other?] - - * * * * * - -POET. What do you think of this little poem of mine, “She Would Not -Smile.” - -EDITOR. I think if you had read the poem to her she would have smiled. - - * * * * * - -PROFESSOR (_turning angrily to class_). This is intolerable! Every time -I speak an imbecile talks. - - * * * * * - -BOARDER (_to landlady_). Did you hear me come home last night? - -LANDLADY. Did I? I heard you coming home for several hours! - -[Illustration: “UNTO THIS LAST.” - -PROVINCIAL (_at the Leeds Exhibition_). I’ve heeard as the paint on some -o’ these yere “picters” comes to a matter o’ fi’ pounds sometimes, let -alone the man’s time a layin’ of it on, yer know!!!] - -[Illustration: “VERY LIKE--VERY LIKE.” - -Mr. B. A. Boone having given Smudger, R.H.A., leave to exhibit his -portrait, is intensely delighted to find there is a slight mistake in -the catalogue, and that the description really belonging to No. 82--“B. -A. Boone, Esq., F.Z.S., etc.”--has been transferred to No. 28.] - - * * * * * - -EISENSTEIN. Hello, old man, what makes you look so worried? - -ROSENSTEIN. The doctor ordered me to take a bath! - -_Eisenstein._ Cheer up, old man! You can try this new dry cleaning -process. - - * * * * * - -“See what a beautiful set of teeth the baroness has!” - -MISS N. V. “Yes, it looks as if she had swallowed a piano, all but the -keyboard.” - - * * * * * - -CHARMING YOUNG WOMAN (_to artist_). But a hundred pounds seems to me too -much for my portrait. I find it so easy to paint myself! - - * * * * * - -“You say your manager threw an inkstand at you?” - -“Yes, he did, but I must say for him that he threw the blotting pad -after it.” - -[Illustration: THE UMBRELLA QUESTION: - -Or, what it would have come to, if some people had had their way.] - -[Illustration: PICTURES OF THE ENGLISH, PAINTED BY THE FRENCH. - -AN ENGLISH NOBLEMAN, 1848. - -MILORD. Godam! Rosbif! I shall sell my wife at Smithfield. Dam!] - - * * * * * - -ETHEL. Good-morning, Mr. Jones. You don’t seem to mind the heat! - -JONES (_surlily_). I should say not. All my friends have given me the -cold shoulder. - - * * * * * - -“How attractive that lady over there is! What a fine profile! What -thoughtful, dreamy eyes! If I could only find out in what branch of -knowledge she is especially interested! Listen! She is asking the -librarian something. I wonder what it is.” - -LIBRARIAN. “No, madame, I do not know whether he was here yesterday.” - -[Illustration: A-MUSING. - -MCDAUBER (_who is so afflicted with the habit of thinking aloud_). -Charming bit of colour, that! Marvellous chiaroscuro. Wonder who it’s -by? - - [_Oddly enough it is by McDauber himself!_] - -[Illustration: PERHAPS. - -STOUT FASHIONABLE PARTY. What guys they made of themselves in those -days, aunt! - -SLIM OLD DITTO. Fashion, my dear! I should not wonder but we shall be -looked on as _perfect frights_ in future times!!] - -[Illustration: Reception of pictures at the Royal Academy.--Arrival of -the “Portrait of a Gentleman.”] - - “Madame, I have picked out a charming husband for you. Only I warn you - he is a thorough sportsman. Fond of motoring, mountain-climbing, - bicycling, and ballooning.” - - APPLICANT (_thoughtfully_). “Can’t you give me something that lasts - longer?” - - * * * * * - - “I can’t understand how a man can commit suicide for love.” - - “It happens frequently.” - - “Well, perhaps so, but if I did it, I should regret it all my life.” - - * * * * * - - “Hello, Jimson, whither so fast?” - - “Don’t stop me. I’m going to my employer’s funeral, and there is - nothing he hates so much as to have any one come in late.” - - - OUR - HISTORICAL - PORTRAIT - GALLERY - - 1.--HENRY THE EIGHTH - 2.--DR. JOHNSON - 3.--HENRY THE THIRD OF FRANCE - 4.--NAPOLEON I - 5.--LOUIS THE ELEVENTH - 6.--OLIVER CROMWELL - 7.--FREDERICK THE GREAT - -[Illustration: 1.] - -[Illustration: 2.] - -[Illustration: 3.] - -[Illustration: 4.] - -[Illustration: 5.] - -[Illustration: 6.] - -[Illustration: 7.] - -[Illustration: A STUDY. - -Stodge and his friends, Madlake and Blumold, have learnt that their -pictures are hung this year. So, here they are, looking out for some -nice dressy ties for the opening of the Academy. Ah! it’s all very well -to laugh, but personal appearance and “get-up” generally is a very -important thing nowadays, mind you!] - -[Illustration: OVERHEARD AT THE ACADEMY. - -FIRST ART-CRITIC. Not a bad bit of colour that--great hairial effect, -too! - -SECOND DITTO. Jolliest thing in the exhibition, by Jingo! - - [_An explanation of the above is requested;--we cannot find Mr. - Jingo’s name in the catalogue._] - - -A DREAM OF UNFAIR WOMEN - -BY CLEMENT W. SCOTT. - - I read, as daylight broadened into morn, - _A Tale of Unfair Women_, in the pause, - “My youth!” one said, “whenever you have sworn, - These women were the cause!” - - At first methought a lady at a ball - Sat with black-bearded warriors by the stair, - She was _décolletée_ and divinely tall, - With long, gold-dusted hair. - - A meek young gentleman approached her seat, - His gloves were split, his waistcoat buttons false; - She gazed an instant at his clumsy feet, - Then sneered, “I do not valse!” - - I saw a pic-nic by the river side, - On scarlet rugs one sat, apart from man, - Queenlike she was, dark-haired and dreamy-eyed, - Hat-bound with astracan. - - A melancholy captain in the line - Drew near at last to pour forth all his heart; - She turned, “A thousand pardons, friend of mine, - Where is my cherry-tart?” - - A maid, blue-stockinged, broke the silence drear, - And flashing forth a winning smile, said she, - “’Tis long since I have seen a man. Come here, - Play croquet now with me.” - - She “spooned,” and cheated, and had ankles thick, - I let her win, the game was such a bore, - Her bright ball quivered at the coloured stick-- - Touched,--and we played no more. - - I turning saw a couple newly wed; - She--lately fond of flirting, and a belle-- - Now contradicted every word he said, - And bullied him as well. - - She said, “Oh! bother business; really, dear, - You’ve no more feeling for me than a stone; - I wish my kind mamma lived somewhere near-- - I won’t be left alone!” - - I was cut off from hope in such a place! - An evening party whence I dared not roam, - My sister held her hand before her face, - I longed to be at home. - - I strove to stir, but I was victimized - To talk to dowagers; between the sets - Two voiceless females, old and undersized, - Chirp’d Mendelssohn’s duets. - - But soon my eyes were turned towards a stage-- - This was an awful sight, it haunts me yet-- - I saw a lady, of uncertain age, - Burlesquing Juliet. - - I saw a spectacled, but wild mamma, - Coaxing her daughter with a fair-haired lad; - Then, hearing he made nothing, frowned; and, ah! - Called the young man “a cad.” - - I heard old maids take characters away; - I saw young ladies dress like men and smoke; - An authoress next read a five-act play, - ’Twas wicked, and I woke. - - _Fun_, 1865. - -[Illustration: - - 1.--_Early Pie-ety._ - 2.--_The Mother’s Pet._ - 3.--_Rough Weather off the Coast of Devon._ - 4.--_A Shady Pool._ - 5.--_A Village Style._ - 6.--_The Mace-bearer._ - 7.--_Summer._ - 8.--_Spring._ - -A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR THE ROYAL ACADEMY CATALOGUE. (1868.)] - - - - -[Illustration: THE ARTIST OUT OF DOORS - -“IT’S AN ILL WIND,” ETC. - -Our artist takes advantage of the utter prostration of the poor sick -passengers, and fills his sketch-book.] - - -[Illustration: THE OLD COTTAGE.] - -[Illustration: _Scene_--The Elysium of Artists. Albert Durer, Rafael, -Michael Angelo, Titian, Paul Veronese, Rubens, Reynolds, etc.] - - -IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS - - _P. Veronese._ And you saw this English Painter, who has last arrived - among us, Sir Joshua? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ I did--and, faith, with the more interest that such - arrivals become, every day, more rare. But I would rather keep back - his tidings from our friends here. - - _All._ Nay--speak--speak! - - _Rubens._ You know, my friend, we have no jealousies here--nor - schools. - - _Rafael._ Our noble Michael has forgiven my youthful presumption. - - _M. Angelo._ Not a word of that--I was to blame. _Basta!_ You acted - nobly, gracefully, kindly as ever. - - _Titian._ The outline of Rome embraces the colour of Venice; and - Titian here, after life, recognizes the might of Michael Angelo, and - the saintliness of Rafael. - - _Rubens._ Strange how blind we were on earth! - -[Illustration: “A PRETTY PROSPECT!” - -NATIVE (_to our Landscape Painter, who has come down to sketch_). Why, -sir, in this ’ere valley that you’re a goin’ to, you may see--ah--three -splendid viaducts all at once, and one o’ the largest cloth factories in -the West of England!] - - _A. Durer._ But the news from England? - - _M. Angelo._ I love your commercial races and their merchant princes. - Florence should have been my home. Has England such patrons of art as - Soderini-- - - _Rafael._ Or as my dear Agostino Chigi? He was a banker, but had the - soul of a king. How I loved him! Are there such bankers in England? - -[Illustration: ARTIST. This canvas is going to create a sensation.] - -[Illustration: Crack! - -THE POSSIBILITIES OF A PENNY PISTOL AND A BOX OF CAPS.] - -[Illustration: TECHNICAL AND PRACTICAL. - -MAULSTIC. Hullo, Jack, what _are_ you after? - -JACK. Oh, my foreground didn’t come well, so I’m _putting it together_ a -bit.] - - _A. Durer._ Or as my worthy burghers of Nüremberg--the friends of - Luther and Melancthon--are such the shopkeepers of England? - - _P. Veronese._ Or such traders as my noble Levantine merchants of the - Rialto? - -[Illustration: How two friends of ours who can’t bear being looked over -while they are sketching, circumvented the impertinent curiosity of the -vulgar.] - -[Illustration: Old Streekie, R.A., thought it very hard that he could -not run down to the seaside for a week, after the opening of the -Academy, without meeting “that pre-Raphaelite fellow Cleevidge loafing -about there, the first time he walks out.”] - -[Illustration: WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS. - -MISS JONES (_loq._). So glad there are no horrid cows in the field this -morning.] - - _Reynolds._ Hush! friends, one at a time, or I drop my ear-trumpet, as - I used to do, when Boswell would put troublesome questions. I fear - England hardly boasts such men as you have mentioned. But there is a - large subscription to the Art-Union, and bad pictures are greedily - bought at small prices; good ones at large prices are few in number, - and of that few still fewer are sold. - - _Rubens._ I grieve to hear it. But what of your English sovereign? His - Majesty, Charles the First (I was ambassador to his Court, you may - remember, from my royal friend, Philip of Spain) would stand by my - easel for hours, watching me at work, and discoursing to me of art. - Doubtless, your sovereign shows like grace to our brethren of this - later time? - -[Illustration: A DESIGN FOR AN ALBUM. - -The artist who gives up his time to drawing in albums is like a -midshipman on half pay--gets “nothing a day and finds himself.”] - - _A. Durer._ Nay, you are modest, my Rubens. For the _Liebe Deutsche - Schule_, I must speak for you. Not Charles alone--but the Gonzaga of - Mantua, Duke Albert, Philip the Spaniard, and the queenly Medici, - gloried in calling you their friend and counsellor. - - _M. Angelo._ They did not honour Art--Art honoured them. How often - have I told that hard truth to our Holy Father, fiery old Julius! He - cuffed his Chamberlain once, for denying it. But for my own part, I - never much affected your kings and great folks. - -[Illustration: This is Jack Sparkles, who used to be such a thorough -pre-Raphaelite, as we came upon him “at work” the other day--at least he -called it so. He said he had come to the conclusion that “painting was, -after all, more or less a matter of memory, and that he was studying -skies!!”] - - _Rafael._ Thy noble nature disdained such shelter as we weaker and - more luxurious spirits were fain to take under their escutcheons. And - our Leonardo here--Francis, seemed never so great a king as when he - picked up thy pencil, oh, my friend, lord not only of thine art, but - of all knowledge! - -[Illustration: CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. - -INGENUAS DIDICISSE FIDELITER ARTES, etc., etc.--NURSEMAID. The -perspective of the _Chiaroscuro_ is divine, Augustus. But, oh! the -_impasto_, is it not a _leetle_ too _pizzicato_?] - - _Leonardo da Vinci._ Is Art so honoured by the great of England? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Hum! Oh, His Majesty George the III was pleased to - give a charter to the Royal Academy. I have been presented--but, - certainly, I don’t remember to have seen him in my painting room at - Leicester Square, or to have been asked to take a seat in the Privy - Council. - - _Rafael._ But your reigning monarch is a Queen. Woman has ever loved - the Beautiful. Surely she much affects you painters. - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Hum--ha--I am extremely deaf. - - _P. Veronese_ (_shouting into his trumpet_). Does the Queen give due - honour to our brethren? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ I am assured she has had painted already ten - portraits of her gracious self, thirty of her Royal consort, twenty of - the Royal infants, and fifty of the Royal pets, from paroquet to - Brazilian monkey. - - _M. Angelo._ These are your court painters, who so disgrace their - calling. But your _Artists_? How goes it at the palace with them? - - _Rubens._ Seated at the Royal board, doubtless--in places of honour. - - _L. da Vinci._ Where else should sit the architects, engineers, - philosophers, poets of the nation--in whom all knowledge is orbed - around the Beautiful, and grows to Art? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ I am not informed that they _do_ sit _exactly_ at - the Royal board, but the equerries’ table is excellent--and no - doubt---- - - _M. Angelo._ _Basta!_ Do not mince words, man--out with it. The - painters’ table with the lackeys! Excellent England! - -[Illustration: AN ARTIST SCAMP IN THE HIGHLANDS. - -ARTIST (_entering_). My good woman, if you’ll allow me, I’ll just paint -that bedstead of yours. - -COTTAGER (_with bob-curtsey_). Thank ye, sir, I’ sure it’s very kind of -ye--but dinna ye think the wee yin wants it more?] - - _Titian_ (_aside_). These islanders! But our pictures which adorn your - English galleries, my Bacchus and Ariadne--I painted it for Gonzaga. - - _M. Angelo._ Well remembered, Vicellio. There’s Sebastiano’s picture, - too, in your gallery; I painted the Lazarus, my Rafael, to shame thee. - Blister my hand for it! How of it? - - _Rafael._ It is a noble work, and I was honoured by such a rivalry. - - _Rubens._ And my Peace and War? I painted it for your Charles, before - I opened my negotiation for peace with Spain. Surely it is well - cared-for, as a historic record, if not as a picture? - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Really my trumpet is out of order--I must go. - - _P. Veronese_ (_pulling him back_). Nay, nay, you must tell us of our - pictures. Do they stand your fogs and damps? Are they still brightly - mellow, defying time and circumstance as such art should do? - -[Illustration: INGENIOUS PROTECTION AGAINST MIDGES--A VALUABLE HINT TO -SKETCHERS FROM NATURE.] - -[Illustration: SKETCHING FROM NATURE. - -Miss Raphael makes a study for her grand picture, “The Day after the -Deluge.”] - - _Sir J. Reynolds._ Why, the fact is, my friends--I am sorry to - say--but our climate is so very damp, and London so smoky--that they - have been cleaned. - - _All._ Cleaned! - - _Titian._ My Bacchus and Ariadne! Oh my tints! Oh my glazings! A - picture of mine cleaned! - - _Rubens._ My Peace and War! Cleaned! say flayed rather. I know your - cleaners. Oh wasted labour; reputation obscured; thoughtful work - rudely scrubbed away! - - _All._ Shame and horror! - -[Illustration: FIRST ARTIST (_who has looked in as he was passing_). How -are you? I say, Stapyton, have you heard what your “Cavalier in a -Coal-Hole” went for at Jobinson’s yesterday? - -SECOND ARTIST. No; how much, my dear fellow; how much? - -FIRST ARTIST. Why, very nearly a pound, I heard! - -OMNES (_delighted_). Hurrah!] - - _M. Angelo._ So much for your _oil-painting_. Nay--excuse me, my - Rafael--I sympathize with you; but why not work in fresco? Cheer up, - my Titian. - -[Illustration: ART AT A CATTLE SHOW. - -FIRST SMALL BOY. I say, Bill, what’s he a doing of? - -SECOND DITTO. Can’t you see he’s a-taking that old gent’s picture, and -_isn’t_ it like him?] - -[Illustration: WHAT AN ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. - -“O! look’ee ’ere, Jane, ’ere’s one of them hacrobats a-goin’ to do the -ladder-trick!”] - - _Titian._ Alas! my favourite work--my Bacchus! Cleaned! Oh Ghost of - Gonzaga! Barbarians! - - _Leonardo da Vinci._ Nay, weep not, my beloved friends and brothers. - Is it not all of a piece? Art-Unions, royal lap-dogs, condescensions - which are insults, and your great pictures ruined and destroyed. Why - should you wish to exist in a country where your works have been - impotent to implant the seeds of Art, or aid in their growth and - nurture. - - _Titian._ _Oimè_ for Venice. - - _Rafael._ Oh Roma, Roma! - - _A. Durer._ Nay--Nüremberg, also, is a town of burghers, and it is not - so with them. - - _Sir J. Reynolds_ (_aside_). I cannot console them. Their indignation - is too well grounded. I, too, am a painter, but I alone am ashamed of - my country! - - _Punch_, 1847. - -[Illustration: Our artist enjoying himself in the Highlands. * * * * “On -fine hot days, I have this to carry on my back.”] - -[Illustration: “On wet days, with my waterproof clothing, I am as -comfortable as possible.”--_Extract from a Private Letter._] - -[Illustration: “THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE (SKETCHING) SEASON.” - -PAPA. There, Henry! If you could do like that, I’d have you _taught -drawing_, my boy!] - -[Illustration: “FINE ART.” - -RURAL CONNOISSEUR. He’s a p’intin’ two pictur’s at once, d’yer see? -’Blest if I don’t like that there little ’un as he’s got his thumb -through, the best!] - -[Illustration: “BROTHER BRUSH.” - -SHIP-PAINTER. Nice dryin’ weather for our business, ain’t it, sir? - -AMATEUR (_disconcerted_). Ya-a-s! - - [_Takes a dislike to the place_] - -[Illustration: MAKING THE BEST OF IT. - -To artists who have big pictures returned on their hands:--“If you can’t -live _by_ them, live _under_ them!”] - -[Illustration: ONE REASON, CERTAINLY! - -FIRST ARTIST. Who’ll be the next Academician? - -SECOND ARTIST. Oh, Faddler, my dear fellow, unquestionably! - -FIRST ARTIST (_incredulous_). Nonsense! - -SECOND ARTIST. Oh, there’s no doubt about it! A very good fellow, you -know, and he’s lived a long time at St. John’s Wood!] - -[Illustration: ÆSTHETICS. - -FADSBY (_in agony; he’s a martyr to the decorative art of the nineteenth -century_). Oh! Mrs. Grabbit--I really must--implore you--to remove those -chimney ornam--ugh!--those two--fictile abominations--from this room -while I remain he-ar! - - [_Of all the artis’s, Mrs. Grabbit said, as she’d ever let - her apartments to, he was the most partic’lar._] - -[Illustration: A BROAD HINT. - -STUMPY ARTIST (_to friend with a Government appointment and lots of -time_). Come and see my picture; can’t you come in the daytime early? -And look ’ere: do you know a tall, handsome, gentlemanly-looking fellow, -with a light beard and moustache, who would sit to me for my Hungarian -Chief?] - -[Illustration: PLEASANT FOR JACK DAUBS, WHO IMAGINES THAT HIS DRAWINGS -ARE RATHER TURNERESQUE. - -FIRST ART CRITIC. I do b’lieve he’s a-painting the sky. - -SECOND DITTO. Noa, he ain’t. He’s a-painting them people. - -THIRD DITTO. Noa, he’s a-doing sommut out of his head.] - -[Illustration: FLATTERING! - -FIRST RUSTIC. ’Str’or’nary way o’ gettin’ yer livin’! Ain’t it, Joe? - -SECOND DITTO. Aye, that ’t be, William. _Cripples_ o’ some sort, most on -’em, you may depend!] - -[Illustration: OUR ADVENTUROUS ARTIST - -Sketching on the Cornish coast, he has taken precautions against -slipping over the rocks. Our artist is seen, from below, by the learned -German Professor Longbauer, who, after he made the most of it in his -_Travels_, described this incident as an instance of the cruel treatment -of their political prisoners by the English Government!] - -[Illustration: ART AND SCIENCE. - -MAHLSTYCK (_who has been at it all day for a week making a -pre-Raphaelite study of seashore_). I say, some of you fellows in the -gunboat yesterday very nearly hit me once or twice! - -JACK TAR. Lor, was that you sittin’ here yesterday, sir? Why, you was so -still we thought you was a bush or summut--we was _practisin’ at you_!] - -[Illustration: AN EYE FOR COLOUR. - -1ST ART STUDENT. Fine sunset that, Jack, but fancy I’ve seen it before. - -2ND DITTO. Of course; decided crib from Turner. Saw it at a glance!] - -[Illustration: IGNORANCE _WAS_ BLISS. - -WAITER. Yes, sir. We had a gentleman here, only last week, as took a -sketch of that very ’ill, sir. - -ARTIST (_abstractedly_). Oh, indeed! Was he an artist? - -WAITER (_indignantly_). Oh, no! sir--a perfect gentleman.] - -[Illustration: OUR ARTIST - -IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, -AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, AND THEN HE’S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS -TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN - -ART-CRITIC (_loq._). The picture looks better a goodish bit off, -gov’nour! - -ARTIST (_maddened_). Con-found--So do you, sir! - - [_Party makes off hastily, “not liking the looks of him.”_] - - - - -[Illustration: SCULPTURE & COMEDY - -“Well, there’s one thing: ’e’s well _broke_!”] - - -[Illustration: THE VENUS OF MILO; OR, GIRLS OF TWO DIFFERENT PERIODS. - -CHORUS. Look at her big foot! Oh, what a waist!--and what a ridiculous -little head!--and _no_ chignon! She’s no lady! Oh, what a fright! -(Period 1869.)] - - -PYRAMUS AND THISBE - -A TRAGIC BALLAD - - I sing not now in joyous strain, - To suit these mirthful pages; - Mine is a tale of love and pain, - Black blood and by-gone ages. - - Some people’s wit is small indeed-- - But smaller still must his be, - Who’s never had the luck to read - Of Pyramus and Thisbe. - - I do not write for such a dunce, - My task would be in vain; - Let those who’ve blubbered at it once, - Now read, and weep again. - - Of all the beauties of the East, - Fair Thisbe was the star, - And Nature gave her--last not least-- - A very cross mamma. - - Next door there lived a “nice young man,” - One Pyramus by name; - And laughing Cupid soon began - To kindle up the flame. - - Then came soft words and softer sighs, - And “hearts for ever true,” - And radiant eyes, like summer skies, - And little _billets-doux_. - - Next Thisbe ’d ask to go and walk, - Upon some sly pretence, - And then they’d meet alone, and talk - Across the garden-fence. - - At last her mother caught her out-- - And scarlet grew her forehead. - “My stars! miss, what are you about? - Good gracious me, how horrid!” - - She locked her up--our hero, too, - Was lectured by his father: - “Do that again, sir! just you do! - And won’t I whop you--rather!” - - He begged and prayed: the governor - Still gave that answer gruff-- - “Lord; what’s the good of lovin’ her? - A boy like you, sir! stuff! - - “Come, get along! what’s all this fuss? - Let’s have no more, sir, pray!” - With broken heart poor Pyramus - Turn’d in despair away. - - He moped all day, and talked to none, - Through dim and lone woods wending; - Men cried, “If this be lover’s fun, - Our hearts are worth defending!” - - When day was done, the night again - Brought visions of his fairy: - Alas! how vain the tender pain, - “_In statu pupillari_.” - - He cried, “Oh this is hard, indeed-- - I mayn’t caress my love, nor - With blameless word win blameless meed-- - O cruel, cruel guv’nor!” - - I said, you know, some time ago, - Their houses stood contiguous; - Not _dos-à-dos_, but in a row-- - I hate to be ambiguous. - - Well, little Love, who’s up to snuff, - In pitying mood, one day, - Proposed a plan; and sure enough - They tried, and found it pay. - - He whispered in the ear of each, - “=Seek out some little hole in - Your wall, through which your lover’s speech - May echo most consoling=.” - - They searched above, they searched below, - To find affection’s keyhole; - Till--just when all appear’d “no go,” - They found a little wee hole. - -[Illustration] - - A rotten brick had come in two-- - They saw the cranny--nay, more. - They saw their love by peeping through, - Ah! “_Quid non sentit amor?_” - - They poked the useless brick away - By digging out the mortar; - And there they passed the livelong day - In whispers and “soft sawder.” - - Then, Thisbe ’d cry, “Oh dear, oh dear, - My eyes are full of dust, love; - You must come round and kiss me here, - Indeed, indeed, you must, love.” - - And then, poor Pyramus would say, - “God bless me, how can this be? - I’ve kissed a dirty lump of clay, - And not my pretty Thisbe! - - “Bad wall, bad wall! thy chink is small, - Thy big stones almost hide her: - Why leave the little hole at all - Unless a little wider? - - “O will you meet me quite alone - To-morrow night, my dear, - Beyond brass-gated Babylon - Where walls can’t interfere. - - “Let’s meet by nine, at Ninus’ tomb, - Under the mulberry-tree, - The moon that lights the sunless gloom - Shall light my love to me.” - - ’Tis night--the moon has flung her beam - Far down the glowing wave, - Where rolls Euphrates’ silent stream - Fast by the monarch’s grave:-- - - The night-wind bids the forest groan - And leafy branches reel;-- - But, Lord! Who’s this--and all alone-- - In such a _déshabille_. - - ’Tis Thisbe! hear it, wise mammas, - The lesson’s told concisely,-- - Don’t bother Love by bolts and bars, - Or you’ll be diddled nicely! - -[Illustration] - - For though her mother--cross old cat-- - Had safely locked her in, - _She_ knew a trick worth two of that, - And didn’t care a pin. - - She soon escaped--no matter how-- - And ere the bell tolled nine, - Sat trembling where the forest bough - Danced in the pale moonshine. - -[Illustration: “INGENUAS DIDICISSE,” AND SO ON. - -URBANE FOREIGNER. The--ah--contemplation of these--ah--relics of ancient -art in the galleries of Europe, must be most int’r’sting to -the--ah--educated American! - -AMERICAN TOURIST. Wa’al, don’t seem to care much for these _stone gals_, -somehow, stranger!] - - She sat and watched the waters roll, - And more impatient grew:-- - At last she heard a horrid growl,-- - “Oh, dear, what shall I do?” - - “Speak, Pyramus! Where are you! Oh, - I hear that growl again! - How can you leave your Thisbe so? - You must--you must be slain!” - -[Illustration] - - She’d hardly done, when trotting by, - A lion fresh from slaughter, - With black blood drenched, and savage eye, - Came from the woods to water. - - Poor Thisbe shuddered at the sight, - Not relishing his “ivory”; - “Besides,--especially to-night-- - It’s very hard to die--very! - - “I’ll run and hide behind an oak, - My stars! just hear him swallow; - I’d better first throw off my cloak, - I wonder if he’ll follow!” - - The lion on a hawthorn spray - Descried the mantle dangling, - She’d washed it out that very day, - He stopped--and did the mangling. - -[Illustration] - - But ah! the brute was hardly gone - When Pyramus drew near-- - “My Thisbe! Where’s my love--my own-- - Good gracious me! what’s here? - - “Oh, Thisbe, dearest, are you dead; - Can this orn robe say true? - All pawed and clawed and bloody red,-- - My love, I’ll follow you!” - - Then out he drew his shining blade, - “Grim Death--a friend art thou-- - My folly’s slain earth’s fairest maid! - I’ll not survive--so now!” - - With that, he gave a deadly dig, - Another, and one more, - Then kicked and hollo’d like a pig-- - And his short life was o’er. - - Poor Thisbe! fancy how she cried - To find her lover struck;-- - “Great Gods! I’ll slumber by his side, - The darling, darling duck!” - - She snatched the weapon from the wound, - And bared her snowy breast; - Once gazed in maddening grief around, - And then--we know the rest! - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration: AT THE GREAT EXHIBITION OF 1861. - -SARAH JANE. Lawks! Why it’s hexact like our Hemmer!] - -[Illustration: POPULAR HISTORY. - -GUIDE. That heffigy of them two halabaster habbots in ’elmets hare from -a tomb in the Habby of St. Holive’s, founded by ’Enery the fust Tooder, -fort’n ’undred ’n heighty-seven. Their mortal remains was haxumed by -horder hof the R’yal Hantiquarian Serciety seventin heighty-three; their -bodies was found himbammed, and henwelluped in jules! - - [_Procession moves on._] - -[Illustration: CAPITAL PUNISHMENT! - -“MOTHER” (_at South Kensington_). Executed in ---- Tut-t-t-t! Lauk a -mussy, ’Liza! what did them foreigners want to ’ang that poor -innocent-lookin’ young creetur’ for!!?] - - * * * * * - -A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many -other curiosities, a rusty sword. “This,” said he, “is the sword with -which Balaam was going to kill his ass.” One of the company observed -that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. “You are -right,” replied the student, “and this is the very sword he wished -for.” - -[Illustration: A FLAGRANT ATTEMPT. - -Jones prepares a little surprise for his Mary Ann, and has his -equestrian portrait taken. He remarks, “’Ang it, you know, if I do have -my carte done, I don’t see why I shouldn’t ’ave my ’orse!”] - - - - -[Illustration: FUNNY FILMS - - Humours of - Photography. - -PHOTOGRAPHER’S TOUT. ’Ave yer photograph took, my lord? - -WAG. No, we’re too ugly. - -PHOTOGRAPHER’S TOUT. Many a true word spoke in jest, mates.] - - -[Illustration] - - -PHOTOGRAPHIC FAILURES - -One of the advantages or disadvantages, as the case may be, of many -photographic portraits, is, that they fade away by degrees, and thus -keep pace with those fleeting impressions or feelings under which it is -sometimes usual for one to ask another for his or her miniature. It may -be a strong recommendation of cheap photography, that its pictures will -last as long as the ordinary run of small affections, and, indeed, a -superior specimen of the art may be warranted to retain its outline -throughout a flirtation of an entire month’s durability. We had our own -portrait taken by the cheap process a short time ago, when we received -the above copy of the state of the portrait through a period of an -entire fortnight. - -The three specimens shown above represent our portrait when recently -done; the same after it had been in existence a week, and the same after -the expiration of an entire fortnight. The following pathetic ballad was -appended to the specimens which we have given above:-- - - Behold thy portrait!--day by day, - I’ve seen its features die; - First the moustachios go away, - Then off the whiskers fly. - - That nose I loved to gaze upon, - That bold and manly brow, - Are vanish’d, fled, completely gone-- - Alas! where are they now? - -[Illustration: BOBBY’S CAMERA: _S^{O}ME·EFFECTS·HE·GOT·WITH·IT_.] - - Thy hair, which once was black and bright, - Much worse than grey has grown; - Indeed, I scarce can say ’tis white, - For ’t has completely flown. - - Those speaking eyes, which made me trust - In all you used to vow, - Are like two little specks of dust-- - Alas! where are they now? - -[Illustration: INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A PHOTOGRAPH.--I. - -By a Friend of the Family.] - -[Illustration: INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A PHOTOGRAPH.--II. - -The Valuable Result.] - - But, ah!--thy portrait of thy love - Is but a type, no doubt, - And serves its fickleness to prove, - For soon ’tis all wiped out. - - Thy hair, thy whiskers, and thine eyes, - Moustachios, manly brow, - Have vanished as affection flies-- - Alas!--where is it now? - - _Punch_, 1847. - -[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT!] - -[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT! - -Ingenious Jones sits for his portrait to a peripatetic photographer, and -cunningly places himself exactly between the apparatus and the -unconscious Oriana, whom he worships at a respectful distance, and whose -likeness he would fain possess. - - [_On this page the reader will - find, all framed and glazed, for - 3s. 6d. complete, Ingenious - Jones’s Happy Thought’s result._] - -[Illustration: PLEASANT FOR SIMPKINS! - -PHOTOGRAPHER (_to Mr. Simpkins_). Keep your head steady, please, sir, -and look in the direction of those young ladies. Steady now, sir! Don’t -wink, sir! - -MRS. S. (_by a look that Mr. S. quite understood_). Just let me see him -wink!!] - -[Illustration: UNANSWERABLE. - -OLD GIRL. Oh, I’ve brought back these cartes of mine, Mr. Kammerer. My -friends are very dissatisfied. They---- - -PHOTOGRAPHER. Dear me, mum, I’m extremely sorry; I thought the portrait -very---- - -OLD GIRL. Oh! impossible; it’s hideous!] - -[Illustration: CAN THE CAMERA LIE? - -GEORGINA (_in riding habit_). Well dear! I declare it’s the very image -of you! I _never_! - -SARAH JANE (_who insists upon seeing the plate_). Like me? for goodness’ -sake don’t be ridiculous, Georgina. I think it’s perfectly absurd! Why, -it has given me a stupid little turn-up nose, and a mouth that’s -absolutely enormous!] - -[Illustration: THE ARTISTIC (!) STUDIO. - -_A Stereoscopic Scene from Fashionable Life in 1857._ - -“_Love, Pride, Revenge._” The group represents a young minstrel of -humble origin, declaring his passion to a lady of noble parentage. Her -haughty brother, as may be seen from his menacing attitude, is about to -avenge the insult offered to his family!] - - -THE PHOTOGRAPHS - -[Illustration] - - To-day I was let sit up, tucked up in a quilt in a arm-chare. I soon - got tired o’ that, so I ast Betty to get me a glass o’ ice-water to - squench my thirst, an’ when she was gone I cut an’ run, an’ went into - Susan’s room to look at all them fotografs of nice young men she’s got - there in a drawer. - - The girls was all down in the parlour, ’cos Miss Watson had come to - call. Betty she came a huntin’ me, but I hid in the closet behind a - old hoop-skirt. I come out when she went away, and had a real good - time. Some o’ them fotografs was written on the back, like this: - “Conseated fop!” “Oh, ain’t he sweet?” “He ast me, but I wouldn’t have - him.” “A perfect darling!” “What a mouth!” “Portrait of a donkey!” - - I kep about two dozen o’ them I knew, to have some fun when I got - well. I shut the drawer so Sue wouldn’t notice they was took. I felt - as if I could not bare to go back to that nasty room, I was so tired - of it, an’ I thought I’d pass my time a playing I was a young lady. I - found a lot o’ little curls in the buro, wich I stuck on all around my - forehead with a bottle of mewsiledge, and then I seen some red stuff - on a sawcer, wich I rubbed onto my cheaks. When I was all fixed up I - slid down the bannisters plump against Miss Watson, wot was sayin’ - good-bye to my sisters. Such a hollerin’ as they made! - -[Illustration: “Have you ever been photographed, Uncle?” - -“Yes, Tommy.” - -“What for?”] - -[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF A DISTINGUISHED PHOTOGRAPHER, - -Who has just succeeded in focussing a view to his complete -satisfaction.] - - Miss Watson she turned me to the light, an’ sez she, as sweet as pie: - - “Where did you get them pretty red cheeks, Geordie?” - - Susan she made a sign, but I didn’t know it. - - “I found some red stuff in Sue’s drawer,” sez I, and she smiled kind - o’ hateful, and said: - - “Oh!” - - My sister says she is an awful gossip, which will tell all over town - that they paint, wich they don’t, ’cause that sawcer was gust to make - roses on card-bord, wich is all right. - - Sue was so mad she boxed my ears. - - “Aha, missy!” sez I to myself, “you don’t guess about them fotografs - wot I took out o’ your drawer!” - - Some folks think little boys’ ears are made on purpose to be boxed--my - sisters do. If they knew what dark and desperate thoughts come into - little boys’ minds, they’d be more careful--it riles ’em up like - pokin’ sticks into a mud puddel. - -[Illustration: A PHOTOGRAPHIC PICTURE. (1853.) - -OLD LADY (_who is not used to these new-fangled notions_). Oh, sir! -please, sir! don’t, sir! Don’t for goodness’ sake fire; sir!] - - I laid low--but beware to-morrow! - - They let me come down to breakfast this mornin’. - - I’ve got those pictures all in my pockets, you bet your life. - - “Wot makes your pockets stick out so?” ast Lily, when I was a waiting - a chance to slip out unbeknone. - - “Oh, things,” sez I, an’ she laughed. - - “I thought mebbe you’d got your books and cloathes packed up in ’em,” - sez she, “to run away an’ be a Injun warryor.” - - I didn’t let on anything, but ansered her: - - “I’ll just go out in the backyard an’ play a spell.” - - Well, I got to town, an’ had a lot of fun. I called on’ all the - aboriginals of them fotografs. - - “Hello, Georgie! Well agen?” said the first feller I stopped to see. - - Oh, my! when I get big enuff I’ll hope my mustaches won’t be waxed - like his’n! He’s in a store, an’ I got him to give me a nice cravat, - an’ he ast me “Was my sisters well?” so I fished out his fotograf, and - gave it to him. - - It was the one that had “Conseated Fop!” writ on the back. The girls - had drawed his mustaches out twict as long with a pencil, an’ made him - smile all acrost his face. He got as red as fire, an’ then he skowled - at me: - - “Who did that, you little rascal!” - - “I should say the spirits did it,” I said, as onest as a owl, an’ I - went away quick cause he looked mad. - - The nex plaice I come to was a grocery store, where a nuther young man - lived. He had red hair an’ freckles, but he seemed to think hisself a - beauty. I said: - - “Hello, Peters!” - - He said: - - “The same yourself, Master George. Do you like raisins? Help - yourself.” - - Boys wot has three pretty sisters allers does get treted well, I - notiss. I took a big hanful of raisins an’ sot on the counter eating - ’em, till all at oncest, as if I jest thought of it, I took out his - fotograf an’ squinted at it, an sez: - - “I do declare it looks like you.” - - “Let me see it,” sez he. - - I wouldn’t for a long time, then I gave it to him. The girls had made - freckles all over it. This was the one they wrote on its back, “He - asked me, but I wouldn’t have him.” They’d painted his hair as red as - a rooster’s comb. He got quite pale when he seen it clost. - -[Illustration: ENCOURAGEMENT OF ART. - -FIRST CURLED AND POWDERED DARLING (_to photographer_). You’d better take -pains with these ’ere _carte de visites_, as they’ll be a good deal -shown about. - -SECOND CURLED AND POWDERED DARLING (_on the sofa_). Yes--pertiklerly in -the hupper suckles. Get you customers, you know.] - - “It’s a burning shame,” sez I, “for them young ladies to make fun of - their bows.” - - “Clear out,” sez Peters. - - I grabbed a nuther bunch o’ raisins an’ quietly disappeared. I tell - you he was rathy! - - Mister Courtenay he was a lawyer, he’s got a offis on the square by - the cort-house. I knew him very well, ’cause he comes to our house - offen. He’s a awful queer-lookin’ chap, an’ so stuck up you’d think he - was tryin’ to see if the moon was made o’ green cheese, like folks sez - it is, the way he keeps it in the air. He’s got a depe, depe voice way - down in his boots. My harte beat wen I got in there, I was that - fritened; but I was bound to see the fun out, so I ast him: - - “Is the What is It on exabishun to-day?” - - “Wot do you mean?” sez he, a lookin’ down on me. - - “Sue said if I would come to Mister Courtenay’s offis I would see wot - this is the picture of,” sez I, givin’ him his own fotograf inskribed, - “The Wonderful What is It.” - - It’s awful funny to see their faces wen they look at their own cards. - - In about a minit he up with his foot, wich I dodged just in time. I - herd him muttering suthin’ ’bout “suing for scandal.” I think myself I - oughter arrest her for ’salt an’ battery, boxing my ears. I wisht he - would sue Sue, ’twould serve her right. - - I’ll not get to bed fore midnight if I write enny more. I’m yawning - now like a dying fish. So, farewell my diry till the next time. I give - them cards all back fore dinner-time. There’ll be a row, I expect. - I’ve laughed myself almost to fits a thinkin’ of the feller wot I give - “The Portrait of a Donkey” to. He looked so cress fallen. I do - believe he cried. They were teazin’ ma to let ’em give a party nex’ - week wen I got home to dinner. I don’t believe one of them young - gentlemen will come to it; the girls have give ’em all away. I don’t - care tuppence. Wot for do they take such libertys with my ears if they - want me to be good to ’em. - - P.S.--I bet their left ears are burning wuss’n ever mine did! - -[Illustration: ARTIST! (_photographic_). You’ve rather a florid -complexion, sir, but (_producing a flour dredger, to the old gentleman’s -horror_) if you’ll take a seat, we’ll obviate that immediately.] - -[Illustration: ARTFUL! - -Dodge of little Sperks, showing how parties below the middle height, by -the use of miniature background furniture, may gain a more imposing -stature in the _carte de visite_.] - -[Illustration: SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE. - -PHOTOGRAPHER. Now, sir! ’ave yer cart de visit done?] - -[Illustration: PHOTOGRAPHIC BEAUTIES. - -“I say, mister, here’s me and my mate wants our fotergruffs took; and -mind, we wants ’em ’ansom, cos they’re to give to two ladies.”] - - - - -_WANDERING MINSTRELS_ - - -[Illustration: CHRISTMAS WAITS.] - - -MRS. BROWN AND THE GERMAN BAND - - Oh, I don’t think as I ever did ’ave sich a ’ead-ache as that arter - we’d been to ’Ampton Court, as I do believe a-settin’ on the grass ’ad - struck to me, and cold weal and ’am pie and cowcumber is wittles as - along with lobster salad and red currant tart you did ought to be - cautious ’ow you takes, and not ’urry thro’ it with all that - confusion, and you don’t know what you are a-takin’. And young ’Awkins - as were attentive to me kep’ a-fillin’ up my plate and glass every - time as I turned my ’ead away a minit, as ’ave know’d ’im from a - child, and what with the confusion at the train a-gettin’ back, I were - that dizzy as I got into the wrong cab, as thro’ a mistake drove me - werry near to Nottin’-’ill afore I could make the stupid feller - understand as I wanted South Lambeth, and then to stand me out as I - said Bayswater. - - It was past one in the mornin’ when I got ’ome, and ’ad to knock Brown - up, as were that savage, and all his own fault thro’ not a-lookin’ - arter me at the Waterloo Station, thro’ ’avin’ got out at Wauxall, as - is certingly nearest, thro’ bein’ not five minits from our door, yet - ’ow was I to know as we’d got parted a-gettin’ into the train, and me - that dead beat as to fall asleep the werry moment as I were in the - train, and never opened my eyes till the man come for the ticket, and - a nice trouble I ’ad to find mine and every one in the carriage - a-goin’ on at me as is their larkin’ ways of a Sunday night. - - Well, as I said afore never did I ’ave sich a ’eadache, as were - downright splittin’, and openin’ and a-shettin’ jest like water-works. - I ’adn’t took no dinner, so was a-thinkin’ as I’d ’ave a early cup of - tea, and was a-settin’ quiet in my front parlour with the blinds - drawed down, a-thinkin’ as I might get a nap and be fresh for my tea. - -[Illustration: THE DIVISION OF LABOUR. - -How would it be if they changed instruments?] - - I’d put my feet up on the sofy, as isn’t a thing as I do one time in a - thousand, and was a-droppin’ off, when of all the ’owlin’, gruntin’ - and squeakin’ noises as ever you ’eard it broke out in our street. I - says, “they must be lunatics broke loose, a-makin’ free with them - hinstruments, as wouldn’t never make that noise left to theirselves or - used proper.” - - I gets up and goes to the winder, and I see about four of them German - boys a-playin’ away on trombones, like mad, and one on ’em a-tryin’ - our gate. - - So I knocks at the winder, and shakes my ’ead at ’im, he opens the - gate and comes in up to the winder as I opens, and says, “Go along. I - don’t want no more of your noise.” - - He goes on with ’is gibberish rubbish, and I only says to ’im, “Get - out!” and shets down the winder. - - Well, them young waggerbones kep’ on a-blowin’ and ’owlin’, like any - one in tortures till I couldn’t stand it no longer, so I opens the - winder ag’in, and ’olds up a jug of water, as the gal ’ad brought me - up for the plants, a-making believe to throw it over ’em, when one of - them ’Opwoods as lives next door, comes out and tells ’em to go on - playin’ and give ’em money. - - The row as they kicked up, then, a-blowin’ right at me with them big - ’orns of theirn did so aggravate me that I took and chucked all the - water slap among ’em, and if one of them young wretches didn’t pick up - a big stone and shiver a pane of glass in my front parlour in a - jiffey. - -[Illustration: CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. - -NEW CHAMBER OF HORRORS AT MADAME TUSSAUD’S. (_The right man in the right -place._) Don’t be afraid, you little goose! it’s only wax-work! Why, _I_ -recollect when people like that were allowed to go loose about the -streets!] - - I couldn’t stand that, so ketches up the fust thing as come to, and as - proved to be the ’arth broom as ’angs with the kittle ’older, and out - of the ’ouse I rushes. - - Well, them boys took to their ’eels, when they see me comin’ out of - the door, and run a little way, and then stopped and picked up stones - and sent a reg’lar wolley at me. - - I ducked my ’ead in course, as they all went over right into old - ’Opwood’s Green-’ouse, as he jest ’ad put up ag’in ’is parlour. - - I never ’eard sich a crash, nor yet sich a roar as old ’Opwood give - like demented lions, and out he come on the doorstep, jest as them - boys sent a second wolley of stones, and one ketched ’im slap in the - mouth, and down he went like a dead un, and them young scoundrels was - off like the dust afore the wind as the sayin’ is. - - If all them ’Opwoods didn’t come out on the doorstep, and give me - their Billinsgate, for the old feller’s got two reg’lar brimstones of - daughters, besides ’is old wife as is a reg’lar old dragon of Wantage. - - They all yells at me “’ow dare you set them boys on to destroy our - property.” - - I says, “Me set the boys on? I was a-drivin’ them away with their - beastly noise a-distractin’ any one, as you’ve been encouragin’.” - - “They was playin’ beautiful,” says one of them Miss ’Opwoods, “my - favourite Waltz.” - - I says, “So I should think jest the music fit for you to dance to,” - for she’s forty-five, and got a ’ump back, and as ugly as she’s - wicious. - -[Illustration: NOTHING LIKE ADVERTISING YOURSELF.] - - “Oh, you old cat,” she says to me, a-gnashin’ ’er teeth, “’ow I should - like to tear your old wig off.” - - I says, “No doubt, for I’m sure you wants one bad enough.” - - “Come in Julia,” says the old mother. “Don’t talk to that low old - woman.” - - “Yes,” I says, “Go in Julia, and ’elp your ma skin the cat.” - - Down the steps come the old woman, and says, “You audacious falsehood; - I’ll punish you.” - - I’d got to my gate by that time. So I says to ’er, “Stand off you wile - filthy old wretch, don’t dare cross my doorstep!” and ’olds up the - ’arth broom at ’er. - - Her two daughters, a-seein’ me threatenin’ ’er come up, and says, “Ma, - dear, come in.” - - “Yes,” I says, “Ma dear, do, or else the police may come by, and you - may get give in charge ag’in as you was the week afore last,” for the - old man ’ad been ’ad up for cruelty to animals twice. - - They was all a-goin’ to fly out when a bobby come round the corner, - and as soon as they see ’im, they made faces at me, and was a-goin’ - off. - - I says, “Oh, pray don’t ’urry, here is the police.” - - I says to the perliceman, “’Ave you ’ad any one up lately hereabouts - for cruelty to animals”; and in they goes and bangs their doors; and - well they might, for that wicked old wretch had been destroyin’ of - cats brutally, and they’d fined ’im for it; and I do believe as the - old woman did use to skin cats, for she wore a fur tippet in the - winter as was cats’ skins all over. - - But law, ’ow singler things do come ’ome to parties sometimes, to be - sure; for it wasn’t but the next Sunday evenin’ arter, as I were alone - in the ’ouse, and went out in the front jest to look at some stocks as - Brown ’ad planted the night afore, when I thought as I ’eard groans - from next door, as is ’Opwood’s. - -[Illustration: SKETCH FROM A STUDY WINDOW.] - - I listens, and says to myself, “That’s some one in pain or I’m a - Dutchman.” So I goes closer to their wall and ’ears them groans and - smells burnin’. - - So knowin’ as somethink were wrong I ’urries to their door and knocks, - but no one a-comin’, I says, “They’re all gone out,” and was a-goin’ - away, for I didn’t ’ear no more groans, but I smelt the burnin’; so I - says, “No doubt I shall only get insults for my pains, but I’ll try - and go in and see what’s amiss.” So I makes my way round to their back - door, as were only on the latch, and in I goes, and the smell of - burnin’ was downright sickenin’; I goes straight into the front - kitchen, and there was old ’Opwood a-layin’ in the fender a-roastin’ - as ’ad fell out of ’is chair in a fit. - - I ’auls ’im up, and never did see sich a sight as one side of ’is face - and all ’is neck and shoulder. The boy jest then come round with the - eight o’clock beer, so I ’ollers to ’im to run for a doctor, and I got - ’old ’Opwood some’ow into ’is chair, as was quite insensible. - - As luck would ’ave it, the doctor jest round the corner were at ’ome, - and come at once, and we got the old man’s burns dressed, as I - considers there’s nothink finer than whitin’, as the doctor agreed to. - - If you’d seen that old Mother ’Opwood’s face and ’er daughters, when - they come in jest on ten and found me a-lookin’ arter that old man, as - we’d got up on to a sofy in the front parlour. - - She begun to scream and holler at fust, and then said as I’d been and - done it. - - I wasn’t the least put out with ’er, but only says to ’er daughters, - “Keep ’er quiet”; which they did by draggin’ on ’er up-stairs, where - they kep’ ’er, and I must say, as they spoke werry ’andsome to me, as - stopped along with the old man till jest on twelve. - - I didn’t think as the old man would ’ave lived thro’ it, but he did, - and ’ad his senses back, and able for to talk by the end of the week, - and told us as he remembered a-pitchin’ forard ag’in the bars a-tryin’ - to get a light for ’is pipe. - - He never will be the same man as he were, but it’s been a lesson to - ’im and to them, too, not to leave him alone, nor yet to be that - insultin’ to a neighbour as they have been to me, a-doin’ everythink - to annoy me, and turnin’ me into every redicule as the ’uman ’art can - think on. - - But they’ll never encourage them orgins and bands as they did use to, - and ’ave them inside their gardin’ to play when I’d sent them away, - and no doubt we should get on better for the future to come, but I’m - glad as we’re a-goin’ to move away, and all as I wants is to part - friends, for as to livin’ friendly next door to them I never could. - - _Fun_, 1868. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - -STREET MUSICIANS - -By OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES. - - - You’re sitting on your window seat - Beneath a cloudless moon; - You hear a sound that seems to wear - The semblance of a tune, - As if a broken fife should strive - To drown a cracked bassoon. - - And nearer, nearer still, the tide - Of music seems to come, - There’s something like a human voice - And something like a drum; - You sit in speechless agony, - Until your ear is numb. - - Poor “Home, Sweet Home” would seem to be - A very dismal place; - Your “Auld Acquaintance,” all at once, - Is altered in the face; - Their discords sting thro’ Burns and Moore, - Like hedgehogs dressed in lace. - - You think they are crusaders sent - From some infernal clime, - To pluck the eyes of Sentiment - And dock the tail of Rhyme, - To crack the voice of Melody - And break the legs of Time. - - But, hark! the air again is still, - The music all is ground, - And silence like a poultice comes - To heal the blows of sound; - It cannot be--it is, it is-- - A hat is going round! - - No! pay the dentist when he leaves - A fracture in your jaw, - And pay the owner of the bear - That stunned you with his paw, - And buy the lobster that has had - Your knuckles in his claw. - - But if you are a portly man, - Put on your fiercest frown, - And talk about a constable - To turn them out of town; - Then close your sentence with an oath, - Then shut the window down! - - And if you are a slender man, - Not big enough for that, - Or if you cannot make a speech - Because you are a flat, - Go very quietly and drop - A button in the hat! - - - - -[Illustration: THROUGH THE OPERA GLASSES - -THE OPERA. - -BOX-KEEPER. Stalls 216 and 217. This way, ma’am; last row, ma’am. - -Won’t you like a book, ma’am?] - - -THE BOHEMIAN GIRL - -ADAPTED TO THE MEANEST CAPACITY - - - Miss Rainforth, one day - Having gone out to play, - (Then a very young lady) was hurried, - By a shocking fierce man, - From a vagabond clan, - Away to the green-room, quite flurried! - - This abduction, so free, - Was lamented in D, - With a pathos quite like Catalani, - By her father, Arnheim, - Who sung out in slow time; - (Count Arnheim was play’d by Borrani). - - But, lo! after act one, - Without help of the “sun,” - Or (as Wordsworth has said) of the “shower,” - This damsel so nice, - With a very sweet voice, - Grew twelve inches in less than an hour! - - And, having now seen, - Summers full seventeen, - Her heart could not wholly withstand - The very soft “sawder” - Of a dashing marauder - Named Harrison--one of the band. - - So the maid, in reply, - After heaving a sigh, - Sang a song--now the darling of Fame, - Which, if not quite grammatical, - Was very poetical, - That Harrison “lov’d her the same.” - - As we’ve all heard a few - Of the stories so new - About gipsies and children, I ween, - I need scarcely relate, - How a fortunate fate - Gave Borrani again his Arline. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - Suffice it to say, - In a summary way, - That a chain, round her neck which she wore, - By a stern new policeman, - Accustomed to seize men, - Was carried a justice before: - - That she knew not the theft; - That the chain was a gift - From her supposititious mamma; - And this damsel so nice, - (With a very sweet voice) - In the magistrate found her papa! - - We have then, a third act; - A most curious fact; - Which none understood, till they knew - The author had thought, - That in justice he ought - A _moral_ to add to the two. - - So a lesson he gave - (This poet so grave,) - To singers and men; and the fall - Of Miss Betts, at the end, - By the hand of a friend, - Was felt as the moral by all. - - _Punch_, 1844. - -[Illustration] - - -“TURNED OUT” - -At a Cosmopolitan Club they were discussing the relative position of -various countries as musical centres. Germany seemed to have the most -votaries, much to the evident displeasure of one excitable Italian. -“Italy is turning out the most musicians, and has always turned out the -most,” he cried. - -“Ach Gott!” exclaimed one of the Germans. “Can you blame her?” - -[Illustration: WHAT INDEED? - -DOOR-KEEPER. Beg your pardon, sir--but you must, indeed, sir, be in full -dress! - -SNOB (_excited_). Full dress!! Why, what do yer call this?] - -[Illustration: “FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER.” - -MATRON IN STALLS (_reads from programme_). “Overture to L’Ongfong -Prod-eeg.” What does that mean? The prodigious child, eh? - -ACCOMPLISHED DAUGHTER (_shocked_). Mamma, dear! No--“L’Enfant -Prodigue”--it means the infant prodigy!!] - -[Illustration] - - -RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OPERA - -BY W. M. THACKERAY. - - I’ve known a god on clouds of gauze - With patience hear a people’s prayer, - And, bending to the pit’s applause, - Wait while the priest repeats the air. - - I’ve seen a black-wigg’d Jove hurl down - A thunderbolt along a wire, - To burn some distant canvas town, - Which--how vexatious!--won’t catch fire. - - I’ve known a tyrant doom a maid - (With trills and _roulades_ many a score) - To instant death. She, sore afraid, - Sings; and the audience cries encore. - - I’ve seen two warriors in a rage - Draw glist’ning swords, and--awful sight!-- - Meet face to face upon the stage - To sing a song, but not to fight! - - I’ve heard a king exclaim “To arms” - Some twenty times, yet still remain; - I’ve known his army ’midst alarms, - Help by a bass their monarch’s strain. - - I’ve known a hero wounded sore - With well-tuned voice his foes defy; - And warbling stoutly on the floor, - With the last flourish fall and die. - - I’ve seen a mermaid dress’d in blue; - I’ve seen a Cupid burn a wing; - I’ve known a Neptune lose a shoe; - I’ve heard a guilty spectre sing. - - I’ve seen, spectators of a dance, - Two Brahmins, Mahomet, the Cid, - Four Pagan kings, four knights of France, - Jove and the Muses--scene Madrid. - - _Punch_, 1843. - -[Illustration: WE DON’T SING ENOUGH. - -Sailors sing at their work. Why don’t clerks, lawyers, doctors, brokers, -and shopkeepers? It would add to the variety of life.] - -[Illustration: THE HIGH NOTE.] - -[Illustration: THE LOW NOTE.] - - -A WOMAN’S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN - - I think Miss Juliet in the play - A forward little minx - (And Mrs. Grundy likes to say - What Mrs. Grundy thinks). - Her conduct with R. Montague - Seems perfectly absurd, - Such bold and brazen language, too, - I think I never heard. - - I think Othello led a tame - And wretched kind of life, - With Desdemona What’s-her-name-- - His namby-pamby wife. - To run away--at such an age-- - And with a negro, too! - Such conduct even on the stage, - I think I never knew. - - I think that, as to Beatrice, - Her husband was a flat - For looking for a life of peace - With such a wife as _that_. - Her conduct wasn’t over strict - For all her length of jaw; - And such a muff as Benedict - I think I never saw. - - I think, when Portia’s lovers came - And played at pitch and toss, - The gentleman who won that dame - Contrived to gain a loss. - I think Emilia was a shrew, - And Rosalind ill-bred; - (But “As you Like It,” _entre nous_, - I think I never read). - - I think Macbeth was led astray - By wicked Lady M. - And those three witches. By the way, - I don’t think much of _them_. - I think Ophelia--that’s a fact-- - The best of all the set; - But anybody quite so crack’d - I think I never met. - - _Fun_, 1865. - -[Illustration: BROWN (_thinking of her age_). Perfect voice that girl -has--she’s only twenty-two. - -JONES (_thinking otherwise_). Twenty-two what--stone?] - -[Illustration: CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; OR, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE. - -HIGH ART BELOW STAIRS.--COOK. Sh--sh--! _Moderato_, Susan! _Affettuoso_, -Jim! _Ben marcato il basso_, Mr. Raffles! _Bravi tutti! Da capo!_] - -[Illustration: GENTLE REBUKE. - -OLD GENTLEMAN. How charmingly that young lady sings! Pray, who composed -the beautiful song she has just favoured us with? - -LADY OF THE HOUSE. Oh, it is by Mendelssohn. - -OLD GENTLEMAN. Ah! One of his famous “Songs without Words,” I suppose. - - (MORAL.--_Young ladies, when you sing, pronounce your words carefully, - and then you will not expose unmusical old gentlemen to making such a - ridiculous mistake as the above._)] - - -THE ONION GIRL - -(AFTER TENNYSON’S “LADY OF SHALOTTE.”) - - -PART I. - - On either side of Market-street - Small stalls of vegetables meet - Domestic eyes; and voices sweet - And voices hoarse their hearing greet - With cries of “Buy my fine shalots!” - And up and down the million goes; - Gazing where, in varied rows, - Green stuff lies, and each nose knows - The odour of shalots. - - Widows cheapen, urchins chatter, - Little vagrants make much clatter; - Vulgar boys cry, “_Who’s your hatter?_” - And this time, the night of Satur- - Day’s the joy of all the sots. - Bright blue eyes, lips like the cherry, - Rosy cheeks, that ringlets bury, - Had an Irish girl, from Derry, - A girl who sold shalots! - - To the market, peas and beans - Heavy lumbering machines - Bring thrice a week, also greens; - And ’tis prime fun to watch the scenes - At the biddings for the lots. - But who hath seen _her_ buy her stock - Of onions, or white-headed broc- - Oli, before four of the clock, - That girl who sells shalots? - - Only peelers, walking early - (One there is a great, big, burly - Fellow, who is always surly, - And wouldn’t even let a cur lie - Down in shelter’d corner spots); - Or, by the dawn, some loose young city - Clerk, home reeling, hears the ditty - She oft sings--says “_’Tis that pretty - Girl who sells shalots!_” - - -THE ONION GIRL - - -PART II. - -(_A change comes o’er the spirit of the O.G._) - - Now she flaunts by night or day, - In gorgeous dress and ribbons gay: - Conscience often whispers “nay!” - But love of finery cries “_yea_.” - Calling conscience “horrid rot!” - She knows not what the end may be, - And so she hath a “jolly spree,” - But little other care hath she-- - That girl who sold shalot! - - And now, before a mirror clear, - She learns each wily glance and leer; - Then puts an earring in each ear, - And donning some fast, flashy gear, - Starts for some den that London blots. - There the vicious eddy whirls; - And there is vice in gold and pearls; - And there are jewelled, wretched girls, - Who’d scorn to sell shalots! - - Sometimes a troop of swells--drunk--mad - (Who’d call a sober man a cad)-- - Bring in a very verdant lad, - And teach him everything that’s bad, - And stain his soul with cank’ring spots. - And there she sits, with eyes so blue, - Loudly and lightly chatted to; - Oh! she was brighter, _happier too_, - When she cried, “Fine shalots!” - - For she must suffer many slights-- - May never more know home’s delights-- - Can scarcely claim a woman’s rights; - Must writhe beneath the scorn that blights - Such cheerless, weary, dreary lots; - And dies, at last, by some road-side; - Or, urged by sin’s despairing pride, - _She sinks beneath the murky tide-- - That girl who sold shalots!_ - - _Fun_, 1864. - -[Illustration] - - -END OF VOLUME VIII. - - Butler & Tanner, Frome and London. - - - - -Transcription of texts inside illustrations - - -Page 24. - - I cannot tell, what you and other men - Think of this life; but, for my single self, - I had as lief not be, as live to be - In ~awe~ of such a ~thing~ as I myself. - - -Page 25. - - OWING TO A SPRAINED ANKLE, AN ACTRESS PLAYED CARMEN IN A BATH CHAIR - - SIGNOR BELLOWNI HAD A SORE THROAT THE OTHER NIGHT, BUT HE PLUCKILY - WENT THROUGH HIS PART WITH THE AID OF A MACHINE - - ARE YOU RIGHT SIR? - - ALTHOUGH SUFFERING FROM A SEVERE ATTACK OF GOUT, M^{R} BUSKIN PLAYED - ROMEO MANFULLY - - AITCHOO! - - INFLUENZA DID NOT PREVENT M^{R} YELLOWCHEEK FROM GOING THROUGH HIS - FAVOURITE PART OF HAMLET LAST NIGHT - - SIGNOR SQUALLO HAS BEEN CONFINED TO HIS BED WITH PNEUMONIA, BUT WE ARE - GLAD TO SAY HE WAS ABLE TO MAKE A VERY SUCCESSFUL APPEARANCE AS - MEPHISTOPHELES - - SUCCESS ATTENDED SIGNOR TOPNOTO’S IMPERSONATION OF TRISTAN, THOUGH HE - WAS NURSING A BAD COLD IN THE HEAD. - - -Page 27. - - “HOORAY!” “SPLENDID!” “BRAVO!” - - STEALS SOMEONE ELSE’S GIRL - - “WELL DONE!” “I HOPE HE WON’T BE FOUND OUT!” “HOW DARING HE IS!” - - STEALS HER FATHER’S PICTURES - - “GOOD!” “ISN’T HE A SPORTSMAN!” “WHAT A SPLENDID FELLOW!” - - STEALS HER TIARA - - “FINE!” “I HOPE HE’LL ESCAPE!” “HOW NOBLE!” - - ESCAPES FROM POLICE IN A MOTOR CAR - - -Page 31. - - THE LIGHTING OF THE HOUSE IS SURE TO RECEIVE ATTENTION - - MR BUSKIN M.P. HURRIES TO THE HOUSE AFTER A MATINÉE TO VOTE FOR HIS - PARTY - - “DISGRACEFUL COSTUME” “OUGHT NOT TO BE ALLOWED!” “LOWERS THE DIGNITY - OF THE HOUSE!” - - DIGNIFIED EXIT OF M^{R} GARRICK-KEAN M.P. AFTER AN UNSUCCESSFUL - ATTEMPT TO ENGAGE THE ATTENTION OF THE HOUSE. - - “CHAIR” “BOO” “ORDER” - - “NO MATTER-R-R! A TIME WILL COME!” - - “WHERE’S THE PROMPTER?” - - A MAIDEN SPEECH - - “HA! HA!” “HA! HA!” “HA! HA!” - - EFFECT OF A LOW COMEDIAN ON THE HOUSE - - -Page 32. - - WE SHALL SOON SEE ACTORS WEARING MASKS OUT OF DOORS - - THE ACTOR-MANAGER WILL REFUSE LIMELIGHT - - “THIS PART OF THE STAGE WILL DO FOR ME” - - THIS WILL BE A QUITE USUAL OCCURRENCE ON FIRST NIGHTS - - “M^{R} GARRICK-KEAN IS NO LONGER IN THE HOUSE!” - - THE GENERAL APPEARANCE OF THE ACTOR WILL CHANGE FROM THIS-- TO THIS-- - - THIS MAY POSSIBLY HAPPEN - - “NO, I’VE TAKEN ONE CALL, LET SOMEONE ELSE GO FORWARD NOW!” - - -Page 35. - - “BE OFF, OR I’LL CALL IN THE POLICE!” - - “WHAT CHEEK!” - - “WANTS TO BUY A SEAT!” - - “WHAT IMPUDENCE!” - - WHEN BUSINESS IS GOOD - - “LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT, SIR!” - - “DO TAKE A PROGRAMME, SIR!” - - “ANY SEAT YOU LIKE, SIR!” - - “COME IN MY DEAR SIR. DON’T GO AWAY!” - - WHEN BUSINESS IS BAD - - -Page 39. - - “COME AND LUNCH WITH ME AT THE ACTORS’ CLUB” - - “HULLO, OLD MAN, SEEN ME IN MY NEW PART? BIGGEST SUCCESS OF MODERN - TIMES!” - - “HULLO, DEAR BOY, SEEN MY ROMEO? FINEST EVER KNOWN--BRINGS THE HOUSE - DOWN EVERY NIGHT!” - - “I TELL YOU, OLD BOY, MY SHOW IS THE FUNNIEST IN LONDON. I’M SIMPLY - GREAT IN IT!” - - “SMITH’S HAMLET ISN’T IN IT WITH MINE!” - - “COME AND LUNCH WITH ME AT THE ACTORS’ CLUB” - - -Page 56. - - IT IS A STRANGE IDIOSYNCRACY OF CERTAIN THEATRE-GOERS THAT THEY WILL - HUSTLE AND PUSH AND FIGHT TO LEAVE THEIR SEATS BEFORE THE CURTAIN GOES - DOWN-- - - --IN ORDER TO STAND AT THE ENTRANCE AND PREVENT OTHERS FROM LEAVING - THE THEATRE - - -Page 57. - - CALL BOY - CHARWOMAN - SUPERS - STAGE CARPENTER - SCENE SHIFTERS - BOOT MAKER - TAILOR - UPHOLSTERER - WIG MAKER - LIMELIGHT MAN - PROMPTER - GAS FITTER - TROMBONE - - -Page 116 top. - - LITERATURE: we shall all be run down & devoured!!--there won’t be a - bit of us left for succedding ages!--the dogs nowadays have got such - large Capacities!! - - Left hand baby: FIRST STEPS TO LEARNING - - Right hand baby: READING MADE EASY - - -Page 116 bottom. - - Flag: We are the boys - - Book title: NEW HORN BOOK EVERY MAN his own TRUMPETER. - - -Page 118. - - Girl: You see Gran Ma, before you suct this Egg, or, more properly - speaking before you extract the matter contained within this shell by - suction, you must make an incision at the Apex & a Corresponding - aperture at the base. - - Grandma: Aye, Dear--How very clever!!--they only used to make a hole - at each end in my time--Well I declare they are making improvments in - everything. - - Book: WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN - - Books in toy basket: amongst others THEOLOGY, SHAKESPEARE, EUCLID, - BOYLE, BENTLEY, MILTON, HUME - - -Page 178. - - Now mind, you are to make me appear as usgly as you can--aye--you may - stare!--but you must know that I am the only one that dislikes - flattery. In fact, I want every-body to laugh at me--so the more - ridiculous you make methe better I shall like it - - It’s an odd request! But I’ll do my best - - -Page 190 top. - - WAITING FOR A SEAT - - THE FIGHT ROUND THE TEA ROOM - - Charming! - How nice - How pretty! - Quite nice - - TRYING TO GET A GLIMPSE OF THE PICTURES - - OH MY HEAD! GOING - - HOME - - NEXT DAY - - -Page 249. - - Pa. By Bobby - Ma. By Bobby - Grandpa. By Bobby - Sister. By Bobby - - -Page 287. - - ♫ SING HO! FOR THE LIFE OF A CLERK ♫ - ♫ TRA-LA ♫ - - ♫ WE ARE BARRISTERS BOLD AND FREE ♫ - ♫ YES BOLD AND FREE ♫ - ♫ WHO SO FREE IN THE LAND! ♫ - - ♫ WE’VE GOT NO WORK TO DO-O ♫ - ♫ OH A LIFE ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE ♫ - - ♫ THE LIFE OF A TYPIST IS GAY ♫ - ♫ TRA-LA-LA! ♫ - - ♫ MERRY SHOP GIRLS ARE WE ♫ - I SAID HANDKERCHIEFS - - ♫ YO-HO! YO-O HO! ♫ - ♫ NOW WHO’S FOR THE BA-ANK! ♫ - - - - -Transcriber’s Notes - - - Depending on the hard- and software used, not all elements may display - as intended. - - Inconsistencies and unusual spelling have been retained. - - The transcriptions of the texts inside illustrations have been made - for this e-text. - - Some missing and incorrect punctuation has been added or corrected - silently, as have been some obvious printer’s errors. - - On page 74/75, 176/177 and 252/253 references to the illustrations and - captions on the opposite page have been deleted. - - Page 84: ... the muffs who loat ... has been changed to ... the muffs - who gloat .... - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage, Study & Studio, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO *** - -***** This file should be named 52614-0.txt or 52614-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/6/1/52614/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Harry Lamé and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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margin-left: 0;} - ul.artists li {margin-left: 1em; text-indent: -1em; text-align: justify;} - .underl {text-decoration: underline;} - .up1 {margin-top: -1.5em;} - .w15m {width: 15em;} - .w18m {width: 18em;} - .w20m {width: 20em;} - .w30m {width: 30em;} - .w40m {width: 40em;} - .w200 {width: 200px;} - @media handheld {.w200 {width: 33%;}} - .w250 {width: 250px;} - @media handheld {.w250 {width: 42%;}} - .w300 {width: 300px;} - @media handheld {.w300 {width: 50%;}} - .w350 {width: 350px;} - @media handheld {.w350 {width: 58%;}} - .w400 {width: 400px;} - @media handheld {.w400 {width: 66%;}} - .w450 {width: 450px;} - @media handheld {.w450 {width: 75%;}} - .w500 {width: 500px;} - @media handheld {.w500 {width: 83%;}} - .w550 {width: 550px;} - @media handheld {.w550 {width: 91%;}} - .w600 {width: 600px;} - @media handheld {.w600 {width: 100%;}} - - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage, Study & Studio, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Stage, Study & Studio - The Fun Library - -Author: Various - -Editor: J. A. Hammerton - -Illustrator: Fred Barnard - W. S. Brunton - George du Maurier - and others - -Release Date: July 21, 2016 [EBook #52614] -[Last updated: August 8, 2016] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Harry Lamé and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div class="tnbox"> -<p class="center">Please see the <a href="#TN">Transcriber’s Notes</a> at the end of this text. The texts inside -some of the illustrations may be read by clicking on the caption.</p> -</div> - -<div class="scr"> -<div class="figcenter" id="cover"> -<img src="images/coverh.jpg" alt="cover" width="449" height="600" /> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter" id="Fig1"> -<img src="images/illo001.jpg" alt="" width="425" height="600" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w400"><span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">The</span> Artist.</span>—It’s no good making -that noise, my good fellow. As I told you just -now, being a landscape-painter, I don’t want models.</p> -<p class="caption center highline1 fsize80">(<i>From a drawing by Philip Baynes.</i>)</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter thinbox w500" id="Fig2"> -<img src="images/illo002.jpg" alt="title page" width="419" height="600" /> -</div> - -<p class="center fsize200 highline2"><i><b>The Fun Library</b></i></p> - -<p class="center blankbefore highline2"><span class="fsize150"><i>Edited by</i><br /> -<i>J.A. Hammerton</i></span><br /> -<span class="fsize125"><i>Editor of the</i></span><br /> -<span class="fsize150"><i>Punch Library<br /> -of Humour</i></span></p> - -<h1>STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO</h1> - -<p class="humorists">As pictured by <span class="smcap">Fred Barnard</span>, <span class="smcap">W. S. -Brunton</span>, <span class="smcap">George du Maurier</span>, <span class="smcap">Ernest -Griset</span>, <span class="smcap">Charles Keene</span>, <span class="smcap">John Leech</span>, <span -class="smcap">Phil May</span>, <span class="smcap">Gordon Thomson</span>, <span class="smcap">H. M. -Bateman</span>, <span class="smcap">J. L. C. Booth</span>, <span class="smcap">W. K. Haselden</span>, -<span class="smcap">Philip Baynes</span>, <span class="smcap">Thomas -Maybank</span>, <span class="smcap">Charles Pears</span>, and many other humorists of the pencil.</p> - -<p class="center fsize150 blankbefore">LONDON: EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO L<sup><span class="underl">td</span></sup></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Pagei">[i]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo004.jpg" alt="VOL VIII" title="VOL VIII" width="600" height="405" /> -</div> - -<h2>PREFACE</h2> - -<p class="largecap fsize90">The life of what still passes in London for “Bohemia”—in and -about the theatres, the studios and the literary clubs—figures -conspicuously in the pictorial humour of our time. It is but natural -that the artist in search of inspiration should occasionally turn his -attention to his own immediate surroundings, and find subjects for his -art in the comic representation of his fellows of the brush and pencil, -his friends the authors and the actors, and not infrequently, himself! -Some of the most pointed jokes of Keene, Du Maurier and Phil May -introduced “the artist,” and in the case of the last mentioned he usually -depicted his own form and features, as Cruikshank was fond of doing -more than half a century before him.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">This tradition has been well maintained among the artists of a later -day. We shall find that a very considerable proportion of the humorous -art of the moment concerns itself with the sayings and doings of our -Bohemians—a term, by the way, that indicates a very mild and inoffensive -variety of an almost extinct type of character.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">The Bohemian of the twentieth century is a much more wholesome -person than his prototype of the middle of the nineteenth. He may -be still as irresponsible, as unconventional in his manners, but he is at -least clean and less apt to degenerate into the “sponger.” He of the -older generation provided picturesque material for the humorist of<span class="pagenum" id="Pageii">[ii]</span> -the pencil; but the stage, the study, and the studio still furnish much -matter for mirth, as the admirable work of Mr. W. K. Haselden, Mr. -Bert Thomas, Mr. H. M. Bateman, Mr. J. L. C. Booth, Mr. Charles Pears, -and other living artists of note, represented in the present collection, -bear ample witness.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">It is obvious from the <a href="#Pageiii">Index</a> that this volume contains a most representative -survey of its subject, and is probably second-to-none in <span class="smcap">The -Fun Library</span> for the high spirits and good humour which it reflects. -The collection ranges from the day of Cruikshank onward, and presents -many examples of such talented artists of the past as Fred Barnard, -Du Maurier, Keene, Leech, Phil May, Doyle, and many others, as well -as examples of Mr. Gordon Thomson, the veteran survivor of the merry -men who made <i>Fun</i> and <i>Judy</i> serious rivals of <i>Punch</i> fifty years ago.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">The sources from which the illustrations have been drawn are much -the same as those that have provided the other volumes of <span class="smcap">The Fun -Library</span>. In the present volume there is a particularly fine selection -from the work of Mr. Haselden, reprinted here by special permission -of the editor of <i>The Daily Mirror</i>, and it also contains an important -series by the late Phil May, reprinted by arrangement with <i>The Sketch</i>, -while we are indebted to Mr. Gilbert Dalziel for permission to use a -considerable number of excellent items from <i>Fun</i> and <i>Judy</i>, with which -journals he was so long and honourably associated. To Mr. Punch’s -collections of the “’sixties” we owe the numerous examples of Leech, -Keene and Du Maurier at their best.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">In brief, it may be claimed for “Stage, Study and Studio” that the -collection is fully up to the high standard we have sought to maintain -in all the volumes of <span class="smcap">The Fun Library</span>.</p> - -<p class="right padr2">J. A. H.</p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo005.jpg" alt="Sun as painter" width="600" height="266" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Pageiii">[iii]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">INDEX TO THE ILLUSTRATIONS</h2> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo006.jpg" alt="INDEX" title="INDEX" width="600" height="334" /> -</div> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>TO THE ILLUSTRATIONS</b></p> - -<table class="toc" summary="toc"> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">PANTOMIMICS</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="right fsize80">PAGE</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Rehearsing the “fish” ballet</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">1</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Billy and Bunny</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page3">3</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Winning the gloves</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page4">4</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Modern languages taught in one lesson</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page5">5</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Theatre Royal—Nursery</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page6">6</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">An ex(bus)horse-tive argument</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page7">7</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A pict-ure</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page8">8</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A swallow out of season</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page9">9</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“With a neck like that”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page11">11</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Experienced young fellow</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page12">12</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Two transformation scenes</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page13">13</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Not the correct way of pudding it</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page15">15</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Humanizing influence of pantomime</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page16">16</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">ON THE STAGE AND OFF</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Prompt but not prepared</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page17">17</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A wordless story</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page18">18</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">English as she is spoke</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page23">23</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Cassius</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page24">24</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Acting under difficulties</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page25">25</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Ever-popular criminal on the stage</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page27">27</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">On the stage—and off</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page28">28</a>-<a href="#Page29">9</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">When actors are Members of Parliament</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page31">31</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">When actors become modest</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page32">32</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Still running”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page33">33</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The part of Hamlet</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page34">34</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Good and bad business at the theatre</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page35">35</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“A little padding”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page37">37</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The actor’s one topic—himself</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page39">39</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A side-box talk</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page40">40</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The bald baron</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page41">41</a>-<a href="#Page44">4</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">FUN AT THE PLAY</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Are you sitting on my hat?”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page45">45</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Delights of theatre-going</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page46">46</a>-<a href="#Page47">7</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Not so long as four solos”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page49">49</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A little ruse</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page50">50</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A morning concert</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page52">52</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Pit, boxes, and gallery</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page54">54</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Playgoers and their eccentricities</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page56">56</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Credit where credit is due</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page57">57</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A “civil” retort</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page58">58</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">AMONG THE AMATEURS<span class="pagenum" id="Pageiv">[iv]</span></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">At a fancy ball</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page61">61</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Private theatricals</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page63">63</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Private theatricals at the Titwillows’</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page65">65</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">THE POETS’ CORNER</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Portrait of a gentleman</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page67">67</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The poets illustrated</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page69">69</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">No! Don’t</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page70">70</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The poets illustrated</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page74">74</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Mariar Martin, or the Red Baarn”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page75">75</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">An illustrated edition of the poets</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page77">77</a>-<a href="#Page79">9</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Poets and their patrons</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page80">80</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">MAINLY ABOUT AUTHORS</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Would-be novelist</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page85">85</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Lady Audley’s secret</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page86">86</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Perfect sincerity, or, thinkings aloud</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page88">88</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The ancient Britons</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page88">88</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A rural study</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page89">89</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“The great cypher work”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page90">90</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Author’s miseries</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page92">92</a>-<a href="#Page97">7</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Harris-ing reflections</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page99">99</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Hemily Fitz-Hosborn”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page100">100</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">THE EDITOR IN HIS DEN</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The editor at home</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page101">101</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Romance of advertising</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page103">103</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Pirates surprised at sunset”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page104">104</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Fancy portrait—Oliver Twist</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page105">105</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A fact!</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page106">106</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A new reading</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page111">111</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">STUDIES FROM THE STUDY</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“He’s sent the books”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page113">113</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Returned—with thanks</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page114">114</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A queer cut</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page115">115</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The pursuit of letters</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page116">116</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Grand march of Intellect</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page116">116</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Catalogue of the letter P.</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page117">117</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The age of intellect</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page118">118</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Subject for a picture</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page119">119</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">An awful apparition</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page121">121</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The musical neighbour</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page123">123</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">British Museum catalogue</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page124">124</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Analytical papers</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page125">125</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Couldn’t read Miss Frump’s new book”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page127">127</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The philosopher’s revenge</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page129">129</a>-<a href="#Page136">136</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">FUN IN THE STUDIO</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Present company always excepted!”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page137">137</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Very tiring”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page138">138</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Wholesale</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page139">139</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Qualifications”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page140">140</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Behind the scenes</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page141">141</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Asking for it”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page142">142</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The commercial side</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page143">143</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Gaddy’s academy picture on view</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page144">144</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Flattering”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page145">145</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Profession and practice</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page146">146</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A rapid genius</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page147">147</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“English langweege”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page148">148</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Only their mothers”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page149">149</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">For exhibition?</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page150">150</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Pretty innocent</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page151">151</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Aye, there’s the rub!”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page152">152</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Work hard and get your own living”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page153">153</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">March of science</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page154">154</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The real</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page154">154</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Pleasures of the studio</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page155">155</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A happy medium</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page155">155</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The ideal</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page156">156</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Two principal figures</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page157">157</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Answers for our artist</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page158">158</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The mother of invention</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page159">159</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Kindly meant</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page160">160</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Where’s your beard?”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page160">160</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">How some old painters must have worked<span class="pagenum" id="Pagev">[v]</span></td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page161">161</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Studio persuasion</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page162">162</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“A portrait painter”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page163">163</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Model husband and a lay figure</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page164">164</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Marvellous!</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page165">165</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A visit to the studio</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page166">166</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Scene in a studio</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page167">167</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Ballet of action</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page168">168</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Turps <i>v.</i> Turpitude</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page169">169</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">One use for “Dundrearys”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page169">169</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Accommodating!</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page170">170</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Lucky fellow!!”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page171">171</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Noblesse oblige!”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page172">172</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Our art-school conversazione</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page173">173</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Only one spur a-piece”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page174">174</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Sharp’s the word”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page175">175</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The sympathies of art</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page176">176</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Under a great master</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page176">176</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Sent it to the wash!”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page177">177</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Ugly and as ridiculous as possible”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page178">178</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Perfect sincerity; or, thinkings aloud</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page179">179</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Easily satisfied</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page180">180</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Compliments of the season</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page181">181</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Skyed”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page182">182</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">ROUND THE GALLERIES</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Caution</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page183">183</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Painters and gazers</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page185">185</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">An artist’s dream</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page186">186</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Athletic exercises”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page187">187</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Let them exhibit their pictures outside</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page188">188</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Pleasures of the Royal Academy</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page190">189</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Art in the National Gallery</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page190">190</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Outside the Royal Academy</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page191">191</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Charming fashion of long skirts</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page192">192</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Unto this last”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page193">193</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Very like—very like”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page194">194</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The umbrella question</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page195">195</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Pictures of the English, painted by the French</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page196">196</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A-musing</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page197">197</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Perhaps</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page198">198</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Reception of pictures at Royal Academy</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page199">199</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Our historical portrait gallery</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page200">200</a>-<a href="#Page201">1</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A study</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page202">202</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Overheard at the Academy</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page203">203</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Suggestions for the Royal Academy catalogue</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page206">206</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">THE ARTIST OUT OF DOORS</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“It’s an ill wind,” etc.</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page207">207</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The old cottage</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page208">208</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The elysium of artists</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page209">209</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“A pretty prospect”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page210">210</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Possibilities of a penny pistol and a box of caps</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page211">211</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Technical and practical</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page212">212</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Impertinent curiosity of the vulgar”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page213">213</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“That pre-Raphaelite fellow”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page214">214</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Where ignorance is bliss</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page215">215</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Design for an album</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page216">216</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Studying skies</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page217">217</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Culture for the million</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page218">218</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">An artist scamp in the Highlands</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page220">220</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Ingenious protection against midges</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page221">221</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Sketching from Nature</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page222">222</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Very nearly a pound”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page223">223</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Art at a cattle show</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page224">224</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">What an artist has to put up with</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page224">224</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Enjoying himself in the Highlands</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page225">225</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Compliments of the (sketching) season”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page226">226</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Fine Art”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page227">227</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Brother Brush”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page228">228</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Making the best of it</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page229">229</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">One reason, certainly!</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page230">230</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Æsthetics<span class="pagenum" id="Pagevi">[vi]</span></td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page230">230</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A broad hint</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page231">231</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Pleasant for Jack Daubs</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page231">231</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Flattering!</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page232">232</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Our adventurous artist</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page233">233</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Art and science</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page234">234</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">An eye for colour</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page235">235</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Ignorance <i>was</i> bliss</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page235">235</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Our artist</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page236">236</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">SCULPTURE AND COMEDY</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Well broke!”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page237">237</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Venus of Milo</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page238">238</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Ingenuas didicisse”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page241">241</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">At the great exhibition of 1861</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page243">243</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Popular history</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page244">244</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Capital punishment</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page245">245</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A flagrant attempt</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page246">246</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">FUNNY FILMS: HUMOURS OF PHOTOGRAPHY</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Many a true word spoke in jest”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page247">247</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Bobby’s camera</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page249">249</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Interesting group posed for a photograph</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page250">250</a>-<a href="#Page251">251</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Happy thought</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page252">252</a>-<a href="#Page253">253</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Pleasant for Simpkins</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page254">254</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Unanswerable</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page255">255</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Can the camera lie?</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page256">256</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The artistic(!) studio</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page257">257</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“What for?”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page259">259</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Portrait of a distinguished photographer</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page260">260</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">A photographic picture</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page261">261</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Encouragement of art</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page263">263</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“A florid complexion”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page265">265</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Artful!</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page266">266</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Subject for a picture</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page267">267</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Photographic beauties</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page268">268</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">WANDERING MINSTRELS</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Christmas waits</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page269">269</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Division of labour</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page271">271</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Culture for the million</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page273">273</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Nothing like advertising yourself</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page275">275</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Sketch from a study window</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page277">277</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="chapter">THROUGH THE OPERA GLASSES</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The opera</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page281">281</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">What indeed?</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page284">284</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“French without a master”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page285">285</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">We don’t sing enough</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page287">287</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The high note</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page288">288</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">The low note</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page289">289</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">“Only twenty-two”</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page291">291</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Culture for the million</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page292">292</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="section">Gentle rebuke</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page293">293</a></td> -</tr> - -</table> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Pagevii">[vii]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo014.jpg" alt="painting clown" width="250" height="301" /> -</div> - -<h2>CHIEF ARTISTS REPRESENTED</h2> - -<ul class="artists"> - -<li><span class="smcap">Adams, Jack.</span> <a href="#Page29">29</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Barnard, Fred.</span> <a href="#Page9">9</a>, <a href="#Page69">69</a>, <a href="#Page74">74</a>, -<a href="#Page76">76</a>-<a href="#Page79">9</a>, <a href="#Page99">99</a>, <a href="#Page115">115</a>, <a href="#Page147">147</a>, -<a href="#Page160">160</a>, <a href="#Page169">169</a>, <a href="#Page176">176</a>, <a href="#Page206">206</a>, -<a href="#Page220">220</a>, <a href="#Page244">244</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Bateman, H. M.</span> <a href="#Page3">3</a>, <a href="#Page208">208</a>, <a href="#Page288">288</a>-<a -href="#Page289">9</a>, <a href="#Page291">291</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Bede, Cuthbert.</span> <a href="#Page58">58</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Booth, J. L. C.</span> <a href="#Page50">50</a>, <a href="#Page90">90</a>, <a href="#Page138">138</a>, -<a href="#Page190">190</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Brentnall, E. F.</span> <a href="#Page212">212</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Bromley, V. W.</span> <a href="#Page146">146</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Browne, W. G. A.</span> <a href="#Page234">234</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Brunton, W. S.</span> <a href="#Page154">154</a>, <a href="#Page185">185</a>, <a href="#Page235">235</a>, -<a href="#Page296">296</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Bull, René.</span> <a href="#Page18">18</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Cooper, T. G.</span> <a href="#Page155">155</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Cruikshank, George.</span> <a href="#Page24">24</a>, <a href="#Page54">54</a>, <a href="#Page116">116</a>, -<a href="#Page118">118</a>, <a href="#Page178">178</a>, <a href="#Page216">216</a>, <a href="#Page279">279</a>, -<a href="#Page280">280</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Daubeny, Hesketh.</span> <a href="#Page104">104</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Doyle, Richard.</span> <a href="#Page84">84</a>, <a href="#Page124">124</a>, -<a href="#Page200">200</a>-<a href="#Page201">1</a>, <a href="#Page209">209</a>, <a href="#Page269">269</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Du Maurier, George.</span> <a href="#Page65">65</a>, <a href="#Page67">67</a>, <a href="#Page89">89</a>, -<a href="#Page129">129</a>-<a href="#Page136">136</a>, <a href="#Page141">141</a>, <a href="#Page157">157</a>-<a href="#Page159">9</a>, -<a href="#Page192">192</a>, <a href="#Page218">218</a>, <a href="#Page229">229</a>, <a href="#Page238">238</a>, -<a href="#Page252">252</a>, <a href="#Page253">253</a>, <a href="#Page263">263</a>, <a href="#Page271">271</a>, -<a href="#Page273">273</a>, <a href="#Page292">292</a>, <a href="#Page293">293</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Griset, Ernest.</span> <a href="#Page161">161</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Haselden, W. K.</span> <a href="#Page25">25</a>, <a href="#Page27">27</a>, <a href="#Page31">31</a>, -<a href="#Page32">32</a>, <a href="#Page35">35</a>, <a href="#Page39">39</a>, <a href="#Page46">46</a>, <a href="#Page47">47</a>, -<a href="#Page56">56</a>, <a href="#Page57">57</a>, <a href="#Page190">189</a>, <a href="#Page287">287</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Howard, Capt. H. R.</span> <a href="#Page222">222</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Keene, Charles.</span> <a href="#Page91">91</a>, <a href="#Page101">101</a>, <a href="#Page139">139</a>, -<a href="#Page143">143</a>-<a href="#Page145">5</a>, <a href="#Page168">168</a>, <a href="#Page172">172</a>, <a href="#Page173">173</a>, -<a href="#Page175">175</a>, <a href="#Page182">182</a>, <a href="#Page193">193</a>, <a href="#Page195">195</a>, -<a href="#Page198">198</a>, <a href="#Page207">207</a>, <a href="#Page213">213</a>, <a href="#Page217">217</a>, -<a href="#Page223">223</a>, <a href="#Page226">226</a>-<a href="#Page228">8</a>, <a href="#Page230">230</a>, <a href="#Page232">232</a>, -<a href="#Page233">233</a>, <a href="#Page241">241</a>, <a href="#Page245">245</a>, <a href="#Page254">254</a>, -<a href="#Page255">255</a>, <a href="#Page265">265</a>, <a href="#Page285">285</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Lawson, F. W.</span> <a href="#Page75">75</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Leech, John.</span> <a href="#Page4">4</a>, <a href="#Page8">8</a>, <a href="#Page63">63</a>, -<a href="#Page70">70</a>, <a href="#Page86">86</a>, <a href="#Page88">88</a>, <a href="#Page100">100</a>, <a href="#Page114">114</a>, -<a href="#Page119">119</a>, <a href="#Page121">121</a>, <a href="#Page123">123</a>, <a href="#Page155">155</a>, -<a href="#Page166">166</a>, <a href="#Page167">167</a>, <a href="#Page179">179</a>, <a href="#Page180">180</a>, -<a href="#Page196">196</a>, <a href="#Page243">243</a>, <a href="#Page246">246</a>, <a href="#Page251">251</a>, -<a href="#Page256">256</a>-<a href="#Page257">7</a>, <a href="#Page267">267</a>, <a href="#Page268">268</a>, -<a href="#Page277">277</a>, <a href="#Page281">281</a>, <a href="#Page284">284</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Leete, Alfred.</span> <a href="#Page45">45</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">May, Phil.</span> <a href="#Page1">1</a>, <a href="#Page11">11</a>, <a href="#Page23">23</a>, -<a href="#Page37">37</a>, <a href="#Page61">61</a>, <a href="#Page137">137</a>, <a href="#Page148">148</a>, <a href="#Page149">149</a>, -<a href="#Page237">237</a>, <a href="#Page247">247</a>, <a href="#Page259">259</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Maybank, Thomas.</span> <a href="#Page81">81</a>-<a href="#Page83">3</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Pears, Charles.</span> <a href="#Page211">211</a>, <a href="#Page249">249</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Proctor, J.</span> <a href="#Page162">162</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Sandercock, H.</span> <a href="#Page106">106</a>, <a href="#Page125">125</a>, <a href="#Page150">150</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Thackeray, William Makepeace.</span> <a href="#Page286">286</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Thomas, Bert.</span> <a href="#Page34">34</a>, <a href="#Page49">49</a>, <a href="#Page191">191</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Thomson, Gordon.</span> <a href="#Page6">6</a>, <a href="#Page14">14</a>, <a href="#Page15">15</a>, -<a href="#Page16">16</a>, <a href="#Page152">152</a>, <a href="#Page197">197</a>, <a href="#Page203">203</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Wall, A. H.</span> <a href="#Page194">194</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Weigand, W. J.</span> <a href="#Page17">17</a>.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Wright, Frank.</span> <a href="#Page215">215</a>.</li> - -</ul><!--artists--> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Pageviii">[viii]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo016.jpg" alt="two men carryin a quill" width="600" height="199" /> -</div> - -<h2>PRINCIPAL LITERARY CONTENTS</h2> - -<table class="litcont" summary="literary content"> - -<tr> -<td colspan="2" class="right fsize80">PAGE</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">PLAYERS’ PRANKS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">2</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">EMMA AND ULPHO</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">19</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">HUMOURS OF THE PLAYHOUSE</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">22</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">SCENERY AND COSTUME OF THE STAGE</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page4">48</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">ASS YOU LIKE IT</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page5">55</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">HAMLET’S LAST SOLILOQUY</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page5">58</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">AT THE MASQUERADE</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page6">60</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">AMATEUR FLUTE-PLAYER</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page6">62</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">ONLY SEVEN</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page6">64</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">LYCEUM LYRICS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page6">66</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">THE POETS AT PLAY</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page6">68</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">MOTLEY’S KINGDOM</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page7">76</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">MY MANUSCRIPTS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page8">81</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">A MAN I HATE</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page8">84</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">MARK TWAIN AND THE KEY</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page8">87</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">HUMOURS OF THE PRINTING HOUSE</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page9">91</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">HARRIS-ING REFLECTIONS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page9">98</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">102</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">APPROVED BY THE EDITOR</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">109</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">RULES FOR NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENTS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">110</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">LITERARY FLUNKEYISM</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">112</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">HUMOURS OF OUR LANGUAGE</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">114</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">MORE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">120</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">126</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">A DANGEROUS WRITER</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">128</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">PAINTERS AND GAZERS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page1">184</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">A DREAM OF UNFAIR WOMEN</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">204</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">209</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">PYRAMUS AND THISBE</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">239</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">PHOTOGRAPHIC FAILURES</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">248</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">THE PHOTOGRAPHS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">258</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">MRS BROWN AND THE GERMAN BAND</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">270</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">STREET MUSICIANS</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">280</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">THE BOHEMIAN GIRL</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">282</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OPERA</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">286</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">A WOMAN’S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">290</a></td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="title">THE ONION GIRL</td> -<td class="page"><a href="#Page2">294</a></td> -</tr> - -</table> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page1">[1]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">PANTOMIMICS</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> -<p class="caption fsize175 right padr2"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">PANTOMIMICS</span></p> -<div class="figcenter margin0 bb"> -<img src="images/illo018.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="583" title="PANTOMIMICS" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption">REHEARSING THE “FISH” BALLET (A FACT).</p> - -<p class="noindent fsize80"><span class="padl2"><span class="smcap">Stage Manager.</span> What are you, boy?</span> -<span class="righttext"><span class="padr2"><span class="smcap">Boy.</span> Please, sir, I’m a whelk.</span></span></p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page2">[2]</span></p> - -<h3 class="hidden">PLAYERS’ PRANKS</h3> - -<div class="figleft pranks"> -<img src="images/illo019.jpg" alt="fancy P" title="P" width="100" height="504" /> -</div> - -<p class="pranks"><span class="hide">P</span>LAYERS’ PRANKS</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankabove largecap">Practical joking might correctly be described -as a remnant of the barbaric ages, when -strength and muscle received the respect we now -award to mind and brain. Indeed, it still passes -current among modern barbarians for humour, while in -civilized States, where humour is something that appeals -to the intellect, joking in the practical sort is generally -regarded as buffoonery. Having admitted thus much, it -may be said that even practical joking is not all bad, -and is sometimes “a source of innocent merriment.”</p> - -<p class="blankabove largecap">Joking of the practical kind is very often a pronounced -characteristic of the actor, as the countless stories of -players and their pranks abundantly prove. The reason -for this is most likely to be found in the fact that it -requires something of the actor’s talent successfully to -carry out a practical joke, and actors, knowing they -possess the ability, are often tempted to exercise it. -The name of the genial J. L. Toole, of happy memory, -will naturally occur to every one in this connexion, and -the fact of that good-hearted soul having had a strong -weakness for this diversion is ample proof that practical -joking is quite compatible with geniality of character. -The stories that are told of Toole and those which he -told of himself would easily fill a couple of volumes. For -the purpose of the present chapter a typical one will -suffice.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page3">[3]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo020.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="573" /> -<p class="caption">BILLY AND BUNNY.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">Irate</span> Parent</span> -(<i>in front row</i>) <span class="smcap">of Small Boy assisting Conjuror</span>. Disobedient -young monkey! Why, it was only last week I forbade him to keep rabbits.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page4">[4]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo021.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="388" /> -<p class="caption">A FANCY SCENE—WINNING THE GLOVES.<br /> -<span class="fsize90">From the grand pugilistic ballet of the fight for the championship, which might, could, should, and ought to be -played at one of the operas.</span></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page5">[5]</span></p> - -<div class="figright w250"> - -<img src="images/illo022.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="378" /> - -<p class="caption">THE MODERN LANGUAGES -TAUGHT IN ONE LESSON!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">German</span> Professor</span> (<i>on “la Perche”</i>) -<i>to Italian ditto below</i>. Be steadier, Bill, -will yer, or I’m blowed if I don’t come -down!</p> - -</div><!--figright--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankabove largecap">The comedian once entered a -dairy, and solemnly remarked -to the shopman—“I will take a -boy,” with a glance at his shelves. -“A boy, sir?” asked the puzzled -shopman. “Yes, or a girl,” replied -the comedian. The man -never doubted but his visitor was -a lunatic, and said, mildly—“Pardon -me, this is a milkshop.” -“Come outside,” said Toole, -and taking the dairyman by the -arm he led him out of the shop -and pointed to the sign. “I’ll -take a boy or a girl,” he solemnly -repeated. “Read what your notice -states—‘Families supplied in any -quantity.’”</p> - -<p class="blankabove largecap">E. A. Sothern, the famous -“Lord Dundreary,” had an -insatiable propensity for practical -joking, and many are the stories of his pranks. One of the most -amusing, though, perhaps, a little cruel, tells of his treatment of his -guests on the occasion of a dinner party to a number of congenial souls. -They were all assembled but one, who was rather late. After waiting -a few minutes, the host suddenly exclaimed—“Here he comes—let’s -all get under the table—make haste.” Anticipating a joke, they all -scrambled under, except Sothern himself. Enter guest—“Hallo! -where are all the other fellows?” “Oh, they all got under the table<span class="pagenum" id="Page6">[6]</span> -when they heard you coming. I’m sure, I don’t know why.” The -ignominous crawling forth one by one that ensued can safely be left to -the imagination of the reader.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo023.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption">THEATRE ROYAL—NURSERY.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Master</span> Reginald’s -tender years having prevented his attendance at the Pantomime, -Messrs. Tom, Charlie and Co. kindly give him a <i>résumé</i> of the evening’s performance.</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">It is always a good thing when we find the subject of a practical joke -joining good-naturedly in the mirth, and this we have in a story told -by the late Mr. G. A. Sala of a joke played upon him by Lord Dundreary. -“I remember going down to the Derby,” writes the famous journalist, -“in a highly festive fashion, with poor Edward Sothern, the never-to-be -forgotten Lord Dundreary. On this particular day Sothern, the kindest, -but still the most provoking of practical jokers, was as full of mischievous -pranks as an egg is full of meat. He offered to bet me a guinea before -we reached Clapham that I would lose my temper, and lose it badly, -before 2 p.m. ‘But why, my dear Sothern,’ I asked, ‘should I lose it? -The weather is beautiful, I did my work by getting up at six this morning, -I am in the best of all good company, and I haven’t got a penny on the -race.’ ‘Never mind,’ persisted Lord Dundreary, ‘I will bet you one guinea -that you will blaze up like a vesuvian thrown into the fire before 2 p.m.’</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page7">[7]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo024.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="397" /> -<p class="caption">AN EX(BUS)HORSE-TIVE ARGUMENT.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap">Mazeppa.</span> -Now, just you bang that ’bus door smarter to-night, or the old hoss’ll never get a good start.<br /> -<span class="smcap">Carpenter.</span> All right, miss. Cue’s “wild career.” -<span class="righttext">[<i>N.B.—The noble steed is an old “Favourite.”</i></span></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page8">[8]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo025.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="393" /> -<p class="caption">A PICT-URE.<br /> -<span class="fsize90">Show-ing what Mas-ter Tom did af-ter see-ing a pan-to-mime—but -you would not do so—oh dear no!—be-cause -you are a good boy.</span></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page9">[9]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo026.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="411" /> -<p class="caption">A SWALLOW OUT OF SEASON.<br /> -<span class="fsize90"><i>Scene</i>—Boxing-night.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">Gentleman</span></span> -in Front (<i>bawling</i>). ’Ar-<i>reee!!!</i><br /> -<span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">’Arry,</span> at Back.</span> ’Ullo!!<br /> -<span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">G.</span> in F.</span> (<i>as before</i>). Where’s Bill-<i>leee!!</i><br /> -<span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">’Arry.</span></span> Why, -the young beggar’s been an’ swallered his sixpence in the -crowd, and they won’t let ’im in!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page10">[10]</span></p> - -<div class="figleft fig027"> -<img src="images/illo027.jpg" alt="“I" width="100" height="195" title="“I" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="fig027"><span class="noshow">“I</span>t was half-past one when we reached the course, and one of the -officious red-jackets who haunt the Hill stepped forward -and gave me the customary brush down. I strolled a -few paces onward, when another red-jacket pounced -down on me, and, notwithstanding my expostulations, -brushed me down again, hissing meanwhile as though he -were grooming a horse. I essayed to light a cigar, when a -third brush-fiend was upon me; but when a fourth made his appearance, -brandishing his implement of torture, the dams of my long pent-up -temper broke down, and a torrent of adjectives, the reverse of -complimentary, flowed over the fourth brush-demon. My wrath was -at its height when I found myself quickly tapped on the shoulder, and -beheld the maliciously chuckling countenance of Sothern. ‘I will -trouble you for one guinea,’ he said, and proceeded to explode with -laughter. Of course he had followed me about, and feed the brush-fiends -to harry me to desperation.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">W. J. Florence, a well-known American comedian in his day, was -very much on a par with Sothern in the matter of practical joking, -and the story of a good-natured trick he played on the latter, as related -by himself in one of his posthumous papers, is very entertaining. “Meeting -Sothern on Broadway one fine morning,” so the story goes, “I told him -that there was an oat for him at the Fifth Avenue Hotel, taking care to -pronounce my words in such a careless, inarticulate way that the genial -comedian thought I said there was a note for him at the hostelry I had -named. He accordingly started off post-haste up town—we had met near -the battery, whither we both had strolled for a morning constitutional—to -get his oat. When he reached the Fifth Avenue Hotel and the clerk, in -response to his inquiry, handed him out the grain of oats which I had -left for him, he saw the joke immediately, and laughed at it most heartily, -devoting the remainder of the day to telling everybody he met what a -capital joke Florence had played on him.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page11">[11]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo028.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="525" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">“With a neck like that, what a fine thing it must be to be thirsty!”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page12">[12]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo029.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="470" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap"><span class="padl2">Experienced</span> -Young Fellow.</span> Ah, Clara, you should have seen the -<i>Pantomimes</i> that I’ve seen; these modern affairs ain’t half so good.</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">The late Fred Leslie was another popular comic actor who, like -Sothern and Toole and so many of “the profession” past and -present, was never so happy as when planning some harmless practical -joke, which was always sure to amuse every one concerned. One of his -most successful efforts in this direction was made during his tour in America -with the Gaiety Company, and is related by the late Clement Scott in his -recollections of this celebrated comedian.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page13">[13]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo030.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">TWO TRANSFORMATION SCENES.</p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="center fsize80 top padl1 padr1"><i>Scene No. 1.</i>—“The Rosy Realms of Boundless Bliss.”</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="center fsize80 top padl1 padr1"><i>Scene No. 2.</i>—<i>En route</i> from Rosy Realms to Rag-and-Bottle -Alley, St. Giles’s.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page14">[14]</span></p> - -<div class="figleft fig031"> -<img src="images/illo031.jpg" alt="O" width="100" height="476" title="O" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankabove fig031"><span class="hide">O</span>ne night (says Mr. Scott) several of his <i>confrères</i> -had been invited to a supper, and the number included -the musical director of the theatre they -were then playing at. His absence from the -orchestra nearly the entire evening in question -was generally commented on, and it subsequently -leaked out that he had been busily employed -composing the music of a song which he intended -to submit to them for approval before the party -broke up. The night being a fine one, it was agreed -to walk from the theatre to the house of their host. -The composer, when he sallied from the stage -door, was seen to have a huge roll of music, carefully -tied up, peeping from one of his overcoat -pockets. This was just as carefully abstracted, -and some one was deputed to stroll leisurely onward -and engage the victim in apparently earnest -conversation, while the rest remained behind and -committed the music to memory, after which the -manuscript was skilfully returned without arousing -the slightest suspicion.</p> - -<p class="largecap">At the termination of the meal, and before the -musician could reach the piano, Leslie began -to whistle a few bars of the melody, which, it is -scarcely necessary to add, attracted universal -attention. When pressed to continue, Leslie gave -the air from beginning to end, and when, at the -conclusion, he remarked that it was an old English -ballad, cold beads of perspiration gathered on -the forehead of the unhappy composer. His solemn -asseveration that he had that evening written an original melody to the -same air, note for note, was received on every hand with apparent -unbelief; and in order to verify Leslie’s statement, most of those present -followed his lead and sang or whistled the composition through. The -musician, we are told, was allowed to play it over, and the resemblance, -of course, was so striking that he himself began to doubt his own sanity. -But when he came to know of the trick by which he had been bamboozled, -he enjoyed the joke as much as those who carried it out.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page15">[15]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo032.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="478" /> -<p class="caption">NOT THE CORRECT WAY OF PUDDING IT.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Master Gussy.</span> Oh, boohoo! What a shame to go throwing -plum-pudding about like that!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page16">[16]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo033.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="479" /> -<p class="caption">THE HUMANIZING INFLUENCE OF PANTOMIME.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Depraved Child.</span> Oh, mamma, do look, the clown’s been and run a -red-hot poker right through that policeman—<i>isn’t it fun?</i></p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page17">[17]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">ON THE STAGE AND OFF</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">ON THE STAGE AND OFF</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo034.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="475" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption">PROMPT BUT NOT PREPARED.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">[<i>The call-boy has just called that distinguished amateur</i> Muddle, <i>who is<br /> -doing</i> Iago <i>for the first time</i>.]</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl2 padr2"><span class="smcap padl2">Muddle.</span> Very odd! Knew every word of it this morning, too, -but I’ll be hanged if I can remember how it begins!</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page18">[18]</span></p> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<div class="figcenter margin0"> -<img src="images/illo035.jpg" alt="" width="440" height="598" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption">A WORDLESS STORY.</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page19">[19]</span></p> - -<h3><span class="highline"><b>EMMA AND ULPHO</b><br /> -<span class="fsize90">A DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS</span></span><br /> -<span class="fsize80">WRITTEN FOR EASTER, SANCTIONED BY THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN,<br />BUT -REJECTED BY ALL THE THEATRES.</span></h3> - -<h4>ACT I.</h4> - -<p class="stagdir">(<i>A dark night. The curtain rises, and discovers nobody on the stage.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03">(<span class="smcap">Ulpho</span> <i>speaks</i>.) How dark it is.</p> - -<p class="stagdir">(<i>He is answered by a hollow voice which is inaudible.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> I do not feel comfortable, nor as I once did. (<i>Sighs.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>The stage gradually fills till Ulpho is forced forward to the footlights, -which go out. The crowd parts asunder suddenly, and a figure -comes slowly forward.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Figure.</span> (<i>Says nothing.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> I feel chilly.</p> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>Figure smiles contemptuously and puts his hands in his breeches’ -pockets. He then addresses Ulpho silently, and, after hesitating -more than once, breaks down at last altogether.</i>)</p> - -<h4>ACT II.</h4> - -<div class="figleft ulpho"> -<img src="images/illo036.jpg" alt="Ulpho and Emma" width="250" height="175" /> -</div> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>Still darker night. Graves spring their rattles and watchmen open. -Fate is seen sitting in the background in the shape of a policeman. -A glow-worm roars, and the side-scenes shake perceptibly. -The moon, which has been slowly rising, falls suddenly down.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> Unfortunate moon!</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Emma.</span> Will you never cease to despond?</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> Nothing on earth -shall ever induce me.</p> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>He takes his cap from his -head, and hangs it carefully -on a hat-stand. In a fit -of desperation he begins -to tear his hair from his -head. Emma sinks into a -swoon, and leaving Ulpho -in the centre of the stage, -she goes off at both wings.</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page20">[20]</span></p> - -<h4>ACT III.</h4> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>The morning breaks, and is -already in many pieces. -The first rays of the sun -are reflected in several -hundred dewdrops which -are rocking themselves in -the gently waving brush-wood. -Two masks drop -from the trees and rush on -each other’s swords.</i>)</p> - -<div class="figright ulpho"> -<img src="images/illo037a.jpg" alt="Two fighting masks" width="250" height="163" /> -</div> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">1st Mask.</span> Are you dead?</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">2nd Mask.</span> Only parts of me.</p> - -<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Emma</span>.</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">1st Mask.</span> Lady, may I ask if you have any present intention of -giving up the ghost, if so, perhaps I could——?</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Emma.</span> I am much obliged to you, but I have already made my own -<span class="nowrap">arrangements——</span></p> - -<p class="stagdir">(<i>A pair of jack-boots are carried across the stage.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Emma.</span> Are those, perhaps, the mortal remains of my Ulpho?</p> - -<p class="stagdir">(<i>Ulpho enters in carpet slippers.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> I am still alive, but I wear boots no more.</p> - -<div class="figleft ulpho"> -<img src="images/illo037b.jpg" alt="Ulpho and Emma" width="250" height="177" /> -</div> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>The river rises, and a Dragoon Regiment, which has been stationed -on the opposite bank, are carried away, one by one, by the flood. -Ulpho fetches an umbrella from the side scenes.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Emma.</span> Would we could share -it together!</p> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>Ulpho is about to give it to -her, when a thunderbolt -descends, and the umbrella -falls between them.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> Fate has decided -otherwise.</p> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">(<i>They embrace, and the curtain -falls in an agitated manner.</i>)</p> - -<h4>ACT IV.</h4> - -<p class="stagdir">(<i>Enter an old man with a very broad-brimmed hat.</i>)</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Old Man.</span> Woe! Woe!</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="pagenum" id="Page21">[21]</span></p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> What brought <i>you</i> here?</p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Old Man</span> (<i>wildly</i>). Can I never preserve my incognito?</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>He stabs himself.</i></p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Emma</span> (<i>regarding the body</i>).</p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza margin0"> -<span class="i0">A fate like his I must admire;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How pleasant must it be to die?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Not otherwise would I expire,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And you, my Ulpho, standing by.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="right">[<i>She stabs herself.</i></p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Ulpho.</span> Ah! now I feel lighter, better.</p> - -<p class="right">[<i>He starves himself to death.</i></p> - -<h4>ACT V.</h4> - -<p class="stagdir"><i>Enter the Duke: A lay figure is also brought on to the stage.</i></p> - -<p class="hind03"><span class="smcap">Lay Figure.</span> Behold the victims of thy revenge.</p> - -<p class="hind03 blank0">[<i>Grand scena</i>—<i>Furies enter and tear the Duke slowly to pieces. The -end of the drama now approaches rapidly, and whilst everything -is trembling in every direction, the Prompter rushes on to the small -piece of stage still remaining, and stabs himself with a pair of -snuffers, and</i></p> - -<p class="center highline1">THE CURTAIN AND THE THEATRE FALL TOGETHER.</p> - -<p class="right padr2"><i>Punch</i>, 1844.</p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo038.jpg" alt="Old man stabbing himself" width="200" height="330" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page22">[22]</span></p> - -<h3>HUMOURS OF THE PLAYHOUSE</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo039.jpg" alt="Banjo player" width="150" height="251" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankabove">The function of the stage is a much discussed -question. We shall assume that it is first and -foremost a place of entertainment. Many are the -comedies, from Shakespeare’s to Shaw’s, that have -tickled the ribs of the “groundlings,” but there is also -about stage performances a frequent element of diversion -supplied by effects entirely unrehearsed. In most cases -these “unrehearsed effects” assume the form of amusing -blunders, in others they may be witty impromptus on -the part of an actor or an auditor, “gags,” “wheezes,” what not! -A laughable mistake has often afforded relief to a dull play; while, on the -other hand, it may have been the means of spoiling an otherwise effective -scene.</p> - -<p class="largecap">A curious thing about stage blunders is that, when one of the characters -makes a mistake it is almost a certainty that some other -member or members of the cast will follow suit. It is related of Charles -Matthews, the famous comedian, that if he made one mistake in the -course of a performance he was sure to commit several blunders -before the conclusion of the play; this, no doubt, arising from over-anxiety -to guard against slips. On one occasion he informed an astonished -audience that he saw “a candle going along a gallery with a man in -its hand,” and later in the play he stated that he had “locked the key -and put the door in his pocket.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">John Kemble, according to an anecdote told of him in Tom Moore’s -<i>Diary</i>, once made a very ludicrous mistake. He was performing -one of his most famous parts at some country theatre, and, as is common -in some provincial temples of the Drama, a child had been making its -presence very pronounced by emitting the shrill noises peculiar to the -average infant. At last Kemble could bear the infantine interruptions -no longer, and advancing to the front of the stage he assumed his most -tragic air and said—“Ladies and gentlemen, unless the play is stopped, -the child cannot possibly go on.” Kemble’s audience on that occasion -was not like the one in San Francisco in its early days. An opera company -was performing in the rowdy city of the “Pacific Slope,” when a child -in the auditorium created a great disturbance. The burly gold-seekers, -who mainly composed the audience, ordered the players to stop till the -child was finished with its entertainment, as an infant’s voice was -such a rarity in the Wild West at that time that it awakened pleasant -memories of the old home and tugged at the heart-strings of the rough-and-ready -miners. This is a genuine instance of the play being stopped -and “the child going on.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page23">[23]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo040.jpg" alt="" width="375" height="587" /> -<p class="caption spoke">ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Touchstone</span> -(<i>to Stage Manager</i>). ’Ow do you expect me to speak my lines -correct with all that ’owling and ’ooting and ’issing going on in front?</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page24">[24]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450" id="Fig024"> -<img src="images/illo041.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="588" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text024">CASSIUS.</a></p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page25">[25]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig025"> -<img src="images/illo042.jpg" alt="" width="497" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text025">ACTING UNDER DIFFICULTIES.</a></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">The</span> public insist on -seeing their stage favourites, even when they are not quite -fit. A well-known actress sang “Carmen” from a bath-chair recently. What next?</p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page26">[26]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">A very amusing mistake is laid to the credit of Quin. On one occasion, -while he was acting “Judge Balance” in <i>The Recruiting -Officer</i>, he addressed Mrs. Peg Woffington in these <span class="nowrap">terms—</span></p> - -<p>“Sylvia, what age were you when your dear mother married?”</p> - -<p>Peg made no reply to the embarrassing query, so Quin <span class="nowrap">proceeded—</span></p> - -<p>“I ask you what age you were when your mother was born?”</p> - -<p>Thus going from bad to worse. The actress fortunately did not lose -her presence of mind, and <span class="nowrap">replied—</span></p> - -<p>“I regret I cannot answer your question; but I can tell you how old -I was when my mother <i>died</i>.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">Amusement is frequently afforded by some member of the audience -losing himself in the play, and fancying that the scene before him -is a page from real life. When such incidents occur, they form excellent -testimonials to the dramatic abilities of the actors. A striking instance -of this kind is related in connexion with the late Fanny Kemble. It -occurred while she was appearing in Philadelphia as “Juliet.” She had -just repeated the <span class="nowrap">lines—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">What’s here? A cup close in my true love’s hand?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Poison, I see, has been his timeless <span class="nowrap">end—</span><br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="noindent">when a tall, lanky, medical student in a stage box, who had evidently -been deeply absorbed in the scene, thrust his hat on his head in great -excitement, crying out in a voice that could be heard all over the theatre—“Keep -him up, Juliet; I’ll run and fetch the stomach pump.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">An incident of a similar nature occurred many years ago at the London -Princess Theatre. A well-known conveyancer, noted for absence -of mind, during a performance of <i>Macbeth</i>, one of the witches replying -to the Thane, that they -were “doing a deed without -a name,” started up exclaiming, -to the bewilderment of -the audience—“A ’deed -without a name’! Why, -it’s void. It’s not worth -sixpence!” The last time -Kean played <i>Louis XI</i> at -the Edinburgh Theatre -Royal, a young Irishman -who had been sitting spellbound -in the stalls, after -the attendants had proclaimed, -“The King is -dead!” exclaimed, “And -may the Lord have mercy -on his guilty soul.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page27">[27]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig027"> -<img src="images/illo044.jpg" alt="" width="497" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text027">THE EVER-POPULAR CRIMINAL ON THE STAGE.</a></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Criminals</span> (on the stage) are extraordinarily popular. In real life, we do not -like being stolen from. On the stage, we love to see a fine, dashing criminal stealing -from other people. The worse he is, the louder we applaud him.</p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page28">[28]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo045-6.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="467" /> -<p class="caption">ON THE STAGE— —AND OFF.</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">Sometimes a voice from -the “gods” may be -the means of swamping a -play. This was the case -with the only dramatic piece ever written by Miss Braddon, the famous -novelist. In one of the acts a child was kidnapped from its mother, and -at the end, when all the characters in the play were being made happy, -the restoration of the child was taken for granted. This was a dramatic -mistake, and while suited for a novel, was not to be accepted in the -theatre. The omission passed unnoticed for half a minute after the fall -of the curtain; then one of the “gods” leaned over the gallery and -coolly inquired—“What about the kid?” The piece was doomed in -the uncontrollable peals of laughter that followed.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page29">[29]</span></p> - -<p class="largecap">Instances where -members of a cast, -through ignorance or -forgetfulness, take some -scene or dialogue literally, -are most mirth-moving, -if somewhat rare. A -highly entertaining instance -of this kind occurred -once when John -Kemble was playing -<i>Hamlet</i> in a country -town. An actor, who -was sustaining the part -of “Guilderstein,” was, or -imagined himself to be, a -capable musician. “Hamlet,” -in the usual course -of the play, asked <span class="nowrap">him—</span></p> - -<p>“Will you play upon -this pipe?”</p> - -<p>“My Lord, I cannot.”</p> - -<p>“I do beseech you.”</p> - -<p>“Well, if your lordship insists upon it, I will do as well as I can.”</p> - -<p>And to the great consternation of “Hamlet” and the amazement of -the audience, he proceeded to play “God Save the King.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">A delightful piece of literalism is told about a property man -who on one occasion was deputizing at a rehearsal of <i>Macbeth</i> -in which a well-known actor was filling the title rôle. Here is a scrap of -the <span class="nowrap">dialogue—</span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page30">[30]</span></p> - -<div class="fsize80"> - -<p><i>Property Man.</i> As I looked towards Birnam, anon, methought the wood began -to move.</p> - -<p><i>Macbeth</i>: Liar and slave!</p> - -<p><i>P.M.</i>: S’help me bob, sir, the blokes told me to say so.</p> - -</div><!--fsize80--> - -<p class="largecap">To ludicrous instances there is no end; but perhaps one of the most -comical occurred in a wretched little French theatre during the time -of the first Revolution. Madame de Larme, who was playing “Juliet” -on the occasion, was lying in the death scene on a tombstone. Outside, -it was raining in torrents. A drop came through the roof and fell on -“Juliet’s” nose. She made a face. Another drop found its way to -her eyelid. She winked. Finally, she took to watching the drops -and dodging them. The situation was at once appreciated by the -audience, and it sympathized with the actress.</p> - -<p>“Look out, Mrs. Juliet,” said one fellow, “there’s a big one coming. -I see it.”</p> - -<p>“Mind your eye,” said another.</p> - -<p>“Madame,” said a third, rising, “will you accept my umbrella?”</p> - -<p>But “Juliet” bore up bravely to the end, and finished the scene -amid the applause of a sympathetic audience.</p> - -<p class="largecap">In a Glasgow theatre some forty years ago, the playgoers were treated -to a very diverting scene that was not in the programme. The -play was <i>After Dark</i>, and in one of the acts there is a very exciting -railway scene in which a train crosses the stage just as one of the characters -who has been tied to the rails is released. The manner in which the -train is manipulated is very simple. A number of men, concealed behind -it, run across the stage. On this occasion the man who was working -the engine tripped and fell, carrying the engine with him, when about halfway -across the stage. The man in charge of the tender, not having time -to clear out of the way, fell over the engine-keeper, and the third fell over -him, the curtain being run down on the most exciting railway disaster that -ever occurred in Stageland, the audience laughing heartily the while.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page31">[31]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig031"> -<img src="images/illo048.jpg" alt="" width="490" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text031">WHEN ACTORS ARE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT.</a></p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page32">[32]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig032"> -<img src="images/illo049.jpg" alt="" width="493" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text032">WHEN ACTORS BECOME MODEST.</a></p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page33">[33]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo050.jpg" alt="" width="417" height="600" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Comedian.</span> Is your play still running?<br /> -<span class="smcap">Tragedian.</span> No—but the manager is!</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">At a theatre in Glasgow the writer witnessed a very amusing -incident in the course of a representation of <i>Theodora</i> by Miss -Grace Hawthorne’s Company. There is a tremendously “bluggy” -scene in this drama, which closes with the heroine standing in the -middle, while a collection of corpses strew the stage. On the night -in question the drop curtain refused to perform its office, and after<span class="pagenum" id="Page34">[34]</span> -coming half-way down complacently stuck there. The dead bodies -lay in dreadful suspense for some time, and then in despair got up and -walked off!</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo051.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="387" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Bill.</span> See that cove, ’Arry? He takes the part of Hamlet.<br /> -<span class="smcap">’Arry.</span> Well, good luck to him if the bloke’s in the right.</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">While this immensely delighted a nineteenth-century audience -as an absurdity, it appears to have been quite the custom on -the Restoration Stage, when players “died” in front of the curtain -and were either carried off or walked away afterwards! This is seen -from the famous epilogue spoken by Nell Gwynne in Dryden’s <i>Tyrannick -Love</i>. She played a serious part on this occasion, and in the last act -stabs herself twice, and dies. She lies dead on the stage; then, when -the bearer comes to carry her off, she starts to her feet, <span class="nowrap">exclaiming—</span></p> - -<p>“Hold! Are you mad? You damned confounded dog! I am -to rise and speak the epilogue.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page35">[35]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig035"> -<img src="images/illo052.jpg" alt="" width="490" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text035">GOOD AND BAD BUSINESS AT THE THEATRE.</a></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">When</span> -a play is a success the theatre-goer is treated with less consideration than -when it is a failure. In the latter case he is overwhelmed with attention and kind -words.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page36">[36]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo053.jpg" alt="man with advertising board" width="150" height="518" /> -</div> - -<p class="largecap">Stage “waves” have often afforded no -little amusement to the audience. The -troubled ocean is simulated on the stage by -a number of men lying on their backs under a -painted canvas, kicking their legs and throwing -their arms about with a certain amount of -regularity, the men being blindfolded to -prevent the dust getting into their eyes. -During a performance of the <i>Black Flag</i>, at -Dundee, a scene in which the waves were -required was introduced and went with its -usual success till one evening the curtain got -entangled with the sea-cloth, and on the former -being raised it carried the latter with it, -exposing to the view of the audience the -group of wave-makers lying on their backs -vainly kicking the air. The audience, of -course, screamed with laughter, which set the -wave men wondering, and, thinking something -was amiss, they unfastened the bandages -over their eyes and discovered their undignified -positions, quitting the stage with the greatest -rapidity. The audience were not in a mood -for settling down to watch the surging sea -after this, and the remainder of the scene -was omitted from that performance.</p> - -<p class="largecap">In this connexion the experience of a well-known -comedian who started his career -as a humble “wave,” will afford the reader -some merriment. He writes:—“At last the -shipwreck came on, and I was hustled under -the sea-cloth along with a dozen other ‘supes.’ -Our business was to make the sea rise in its -might and wreck the gallant ship. We had -been repeatedly cautioned at rehearsal not to -use our hands, but to go down on all -fours and produce the foaming billows -by ‘humping’ our backs up and down. -This was a very trying exercise; it was much easier to use our -hands, though it gave to the rolling billows a jagged and unnatural -appearance, and when the dry white paint sifted freely through the -cloth, covering us up, choking and blinding us as the climax approached, -I commenced in a fit of desperation to use my hands, so as to dodge -the foam as much as possible, and keep it from totally blinding -me. But I was soon perceived by the stage carpenter, who instantly -dived under the cloth, labouring under wild excitement, and commenced -cursing me in dumb show for not ‘humping’ my back as I had been -told to do. He was so fierce that I quickly edged away from him. -This made him worse. He signalled me to come back. I edged away -a little further, and a moment later stood up through a hole in the cloth, -as big as a barn door, in the midst of the angry breakers, and covered from -head to foot with the white powder. There was not a sound in the house -until I gave a terrible ‘chahoo!’ and suddenly dived back under the -waves. Then you could not have heard the report of an eighty-ton -gun a hundred yards away.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page37">[37]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo054.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="578" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Distinguished -Amateur</span> (<i>who has been cast for the part of Sir Toby Belch</i>). I -suppose I shall want a little padding?<br /> -<span class="smcap padl2">Costumier.</span> Certainly. (<i>Shouting</i>) Ernest, bring down a full-size stomach!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page38">[38]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">A very droll interruption occurred one evening in a St. Helens -theatre when the late Signor Foli was singing. The celebrated -bass had just finished the first verse of his favourite song, “The Raft,” -when a baby started squalling, and still continued as he began the -second verse, <span class="nowrap">commencing—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Hark! What sound is that<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which greets the mother’s ear?<br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="noindent">but he got no further, being seized with uncontrollable laughter, which -for the moment puzzled the audience, but presently it dawned upon -them that the next line <span class="nowrap">was—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">’Tis, ’tis a baby’s voice;<br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="noindent">and they joined the Signor in his mirth. He left the stage for a moment, -and returned and sang in his exquisite style “Out on the Deep.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page39">[39]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig039"> -<img src="images/illo056.jpg" alt="" width="490" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text039">THE ACTOR’S ONE TOPIC—HIMSELF.</a></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Actors</span> are charming people, but unfortunately they are so keen about their -work, that their thoughts constantly recur to it, and they cannot keep their own -latest achievements out of the talk. A lunch at an actors’ club is apt, in consequence, -to be a trifle monotonous.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page40">[40]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<div class="figleft w250"> -<img src="images/illo057a.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="404" /> -<p class="caption blank0">A SIDE-BOX TALK.</p> -<p class="caption"><span class="smcap padl2">Roguy and Poguy.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Roguy.</span> See that girl looking at me, -Poguy?<br /> -<span class="smcap padl2">Poguy.</span> Don’t I? I declare she can’t -keep her eyes off you.<br /> -<span class="smcap padl2">Roguy.</span> What women care for, Poguy, -my boy, is not features, but expression.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80 right">[<i>He pokes Poguy in the waistcoat.</i></p> -</div> - -<p class="largecap">Many good stories are told of the facetiousness of Dublin audiences. -Here is one that Macready used to relate:—One night while performing -“Pierre” in <i>Venice Preserved</i>, the Jaffier, an actor ponderous in -person as well as in style, was drowsing out his dying speech, when a -voice from the gallery exclaimed, “Ah, now, die at once!” to which -another from the opposite side of the house responded, “Hould your -tongue, you blackguard!” then, -in a patronising tone to the -Jaffier, “Take your time now!”</p> - -<p class="largecap">There was humour, and what -is often much akin to that, -pathos, in the appeal wrung from -the unlucky representative of -crook-backed Richard, who, finding -it impossible to make head -against the disapprobation evoked -by his histrionic efforts, dropped -blank verse, and in very plain -prose told his audience—“Mr. -Kean is playing this part in -London at a salary of thirty -pounds a night; I receive but -fifteen shillings a week; and if it -isn’t good enough for the money, -may Heaven give you more -humanity!”</p> - -<p class="largecap">At a crowded country theatre -in France a woman fell from -the gallery into the pit, and was -picked up by one of the spectators, -who, hearing her groaning, -asked her if she was much injured. -“Much injured!” exclaimed -the woman; “I should -think I am. I have lost the -best seat in the very middle of the front row.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter allclear"> -<img src="images/illo057b.jpg" alt="fencers" width="250" height="167" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page41">[41]</span></p> - -<h3 class="highline">THE BALD BARON<br /> -<span class="fsize90"><span class="smcap">Or</span>, THE FALSE HEIR AND THE ABSENT WILL</span><br /> -<span class="fsize80">A SENSATIONAL DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS.</span></h3> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo058a.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="328" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Bald Baron.</span> Alas, noble stranger, my heir was taken off eighty years ago!</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo058b.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="325" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Noble Stranger.</span> Yer’s a-go—old man, be-hold thy long-lost chyield.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80">(<i>They embrace.</i>)</p> -<p class="caption right up1 fsize80">[<span class="smcap">Curtain.</span></p> -</div> - -<h4>ACT I.</h4> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page42">[42]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> - -<img src="images/illo059a.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="258" /> - -<div class="split4258"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Agnes.</span> Oh, agonies! sixty -years have I waited for my Willie. -Oh, will <i>he never come</i>.</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">(<i>Enter</i>)</span> <span class="smcap">False Heir.</span> Beauteous -Screecher, fly with me—(<i>Agnes faints</i>)—ha, -ha, she’s mine. Away!</p> -</div> - -<p class="thinline allclear"> </p> - -</div><!--split4258--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo059b.jpg" alt="" width="419" height="325" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">(<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Will</span>.) Where there’s a will there’s a way.</p> -<p class="caption right fsize80 up1">[<span class="smcap">Curtain.</span></p> -</div> - -<h4>ACT II.</h4> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page43">[43]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo060a.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="280" /> - -<p class="thinline allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split4258"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>Scene, the private pass and the -seedy glen.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Will.</span> Treachery; I’ve got a drop -too much.</p> -</div> - -<p class="thinline allclear"> </p> - -</div><!--split4258--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> - -<img src="images/illo060b.jpg" alt="" width="470" height="325" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">False Heir.</span> One down, who’ll make -two?</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Agnes</span> (<i>suddenly entering</i>). Vill-ian—you!</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear caption right fsize80">[<span class="smcap">Curtain.</span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<h4>ACT III.</h4> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page44">[44]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo061a.jpg" alt="" width="444" height="325" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Terrific combat of many hours’ duration.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo061b.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="267" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">False Heir</span> -(<i>mortally wounded</i>). My time has come—Here are the papers—You -are the Baron de la Bluebags.</p> -<p class="caption right fsize80">[<i>Grand display of blue-fire, and fall of</i> <span class="smcap">Curtain</span>.</p> -</div> - -<h4>ACT IV.</h4> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page45">[45]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">FUN AT THE PLAY</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">FUN AT THE PLAY</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo062.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="250" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">He.</span> Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my hat.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">She.</span> Oh, I’m so sorry; I thought it was my husband’s.</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page46">[46]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w550"> -<img src="images/illo063.jpg" alt="" width="550" height="591" /> -<p class="caption">THE DELIGHTS OF THEATRE-GOING.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">The</span> pleasures of the cloak-room. No less than one attendant to each million -hats and coats. Charge only sixpence (exclusive of tip), and every customer is -allowed to fish out his own wearing apparel from the pile, if he can find it. Each -attendant guaranteed to be innocent of all knowledge of figures, so that every -client gets the wrong things. This adds a gambling interest to the general scuffle.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page47">[47]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w550"> -<img src="images/illo064.jpg" alt="" width="532" height="600" /> -<p class="caption">THE DELIGHTS OF THEATRE-GOING.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">The</span> unmannerly -rush for drinks and smokes between the acts. As the space between -the rows of seats is so narrow, the drinking brigade have to tread on those -they leave behind, tearing frocks, smashing corns, and elbowing inoffensive ladies -and gentlemen in the face.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page48">[48]</span></p> - -<h3>SCENERY AND COSTUME OF THE STAGE</h3> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo065.jpg" alt="W" width="200" height="155" /> -</div> - -<p class="fig065"><span class="hide">W</span>e must assume there is something very -peculiar in the rural landscapes and -the town residences inhabited by the -dramatic population, if the haunts of -their rustics and the dwelling-places of -their citizens are to be judged by the -representations of these places which -we see upon the British stage. The -dramatic idea of the country consists usually of a series of set -pieces, backed by a six-inch deal bridge, surmounting a two-foot -waterfall, and leading to a profile cottage of such diminutive dimensions -that when the feet of any one entering it are on the basement, -his head soars into the second story, and he cannot, without doubling -himself completely up, go either in or out of the door. In some -cases the cottages have no pretension to habitable qualities, but are -simply “made out” of a single piece of canvas, on which a clearly “impracticable” -window is painted, and which the business of the scene -does not require to be opened, the cottage being only needed as the cue -for some song or sentiment, such as “Ah! that humble cot—how its -aspect makes me sigh for Home, Sweet Home!” or, “The sight of that -lowly roof makes me feel no envy for pampered pride in its palace, or -venal villany in its villa; for I am convinced more and more of the beautiful -truth, that it is in the cottage alone contentment can be found.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page49">[49]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo066.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="600" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Daughter.</span> What do you think of the quartette?</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Grumpy Father.</span> Humph, won’t take as long as four solos!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page50">[50]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo067.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="448" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">“My dear Lady Thompson, I had no idea you’d broken your arm.”</p> -<p class="caption fsize80">“Don’t be alarmed, dear. These horrid people -would never have let Fido in, so I had recourse to a little ruse!”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page51">[51]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>Sometimes there is, by way of background, a castle, frightfully foreshortened, -with its battlements half a yard high, and its towers towering -among the sky-borders, while its foundations rest on a rock no higher -than the top of the low comedian’s hat; but the structure is sufficient -to admit of its being apostrophized by some young gentleman in -hessians and a chocolate surtout as “Deserted halls of my ancestors, -whose pavements have rung to the clang of the usurper’s hoof, and whose -donjon-keep has echoed to the noisy revels of a stranger band.” When -the occasion is an operatic one, the distant castle forms an admirable -subject for something like the <span class="nowrap">following—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="poemtitle">RECITATIVE.</p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Long cherished pile—home of my ancient sires,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Your aspect kindles all my youthful fires;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And when your sainted towers salute mine eyes,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Within my breast revengeful feelings rise.<br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p>Every playgoer is familiar with the “mossy bank” of dramatic -rural scenery, with one end slightly elevated for the head of the weary -wayfarer or benighted traveller, and a bit of an old bolster craftily crammed -underneath the canvas to complete the mossiness of the contrivance.</p> - -<p>The town scenery of the stage is not less peculiar than its landscapes, -and the exteriors are particularly adapted for teaching “what to avoid” -to the youthful architect. If young <i>Dashington</i> calls upon <i>Lord Toplofty</i>, -the latter lounges lazily out of the first-floor French window, in which -his head and shoulders are a pretty tight fit, while the former bears about -the same proportion to the house that the peasant bears to the cottage -we have already been speaking of. It is a singular fact that the inside -of any one room is no sooner represented to us, than we find it to be -much larger than the whole house when judged by its external appearance; -and though the mansion itself may be only ten feet high from -the basement to the tip of the topmost chimney-pot, the smallest apartment -is found to be as wide as the wings are apart, and as lofty as the -proscenium.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page52">[52]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo069.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">A MORNING CONCERT.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Wife.</span> George! George! You are not in church!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page53">[53]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>In costume, the stage presents some really astounding phenomena; -and we have often been struck by the similarity of the dresses worn by -the retainers of every country, every age, and indeed of almost every -family. One would think that the word retainer referred to the fact of -the same habiliments being always retained under all circumstances, -whether the wearer happens to be a creature of the house of Hapsburg, -a vassal of a Norman noble, or a member of a bellowing band of Swiss -patriots, shouting such choruses as the <span class="nowrap">following:—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Then onwards to freedom;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Our tyrants shall know,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">No longer we need ’em;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Let’s join in the blow:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yes, out let us weed ’em,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And lay them all low.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2">While our blood<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In a flood<br /></span> -<span class="i2">We’ll freely let flow.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oh! oh! oh! oh! oh!<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>Echo (by the Prompter) in the mountains,</i><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Oh! oh! oh! oh!<br /></span> -</div> - -</div><!--poem--> - -<p class="poemcredit w15m"><i>Punch.</i></p> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo070.jpg" alt="ornamental illustration" width="300" height="210" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page54">[54]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo071.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="417" /> -<p class="caption">PIT, BOXES AND GALLERY.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page55">[55]</span></p> - -<h3>ASS YOU LIKE IT</h3> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Ass in præsenti.”—<i>Eton Latin Grammar.</i><br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo072.jpg" alt="T" width="250" height="357" /> -</div> - -<p class="fig072"><span class="hide">T</span>he forthcoming show of donkeys promises -to be a great success. The only difficulty -that seems to us likely to embarrass the -manager is the selection of a locality large -enough for the exhibition. If but a tenth -part of the asses in the metropolis make an -exhibition of themselves on this, as they -are apt to do on ordinary occasions, -nothing smaller than the grounds of the -Crystal Palace or the Alexandra Park -could possibly accommodate them.</p> - -<p>The following, we believe, are already <span class="nowrap">entered:—</span></p> - -<p>An egregious ass, that believes in the speedy subjugation of the -Confederates by the Federals in America.</p> - -<p>An awful donkey, who prefers Tupper to Tennyson.</p> - -<p>An old ass, who, by means of false teeth, tight waist, a wig, and rouge, -imagines himself a lady-killer.</p> - -<p>A young ass, who, by smoking strong cigars until he is sick, imagines -himself manly.</p> - -<p>Several thundering donkeys, who are always sending money anonymously -to the Chancellor of the Exchequer for unpaid income-tax.</p> - -<p>A still larger number of even more hopeless asses, who patronize -quack-doctors, cheap, puffing tailors, delineators of character by handwriting, -and other advertising swindles.</p> - -<p>An irreclaimable ass (supposed to be the only one living), who does -not see any merit in <span class="smcap">Fun</span>. The greatest ass alive.</p> - -<p>There are several others we could mention, but the astounding -asinine qualities of the last-named donkey have quite taken away our -breath. In the forthcoming “competitive examination, of donkeys,” -let him by all means bear away the prize! -<span class="righttext"><span class="padr2"><i>Fun</i>, 1863.</span></span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page56">[56]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig056"> -<img src="images/illo073.jpg" alt="" width="496" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text056">PLAYGOERS AND THEIR ECCENTRICITIES.</a></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Chief</span> -eccentricity is the amazing mania for rushing out of the theatre before -anybody else, in order that you may stand firmly at the door, preventing everybody -from getting away.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page57">[57]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig057"> -<img src="images/illo074.jpg" alt="" width="499" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text057">CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE.</a></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">At</span> -a theatrical first night there were loud cries on the part of the audience for -the scene painter, whose splendid work had contributed largely to the success of -the piece. Now certain other functionaries in theatres think they should be called -out also.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page58">[58]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo075.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="404" /> -<p class="caption">A “CIVIL” RETORT.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Captain de Plunger.</span> I say! aw—you tha-ar—are you, aw—the -boxkeepar?<br /> -<span class="smcap">Civilian Fellow.</span> No, my boy; I’m not. Are you?</p> -</div> - -<hr class="sec" /> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3 class="highline">HAMLET’S LAST SOLILOQUY</h3> - -<p class="center">(From <i>Fun</i>, 1863.)</p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">A</span>las! alas! and hath it come to this,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That I, no longer <i>Hamlet</i>, play the <i>Ghost</i>?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And such a <i>Ghost</i>! No old time-honoured vision,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In coat of pasteboard trimm’d with gleaming foil,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With whiten’d visage, and with grizzled wig.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But a mere base delusion of the eye;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A mirror’d image in a showman’s glass,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A conjuror’s trick to set a crowd agape,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I stand, forsooth, upon an English stage<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To watch a strutting Frenchman ape my prince!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I to be such a <i>Ghost</i> as this? Yes, I,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who’ve been the <i>Hamlet</i> of some score of years;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whose face, shape, elocution, manner, all<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mark me the hero’s true and very self!<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>I</i> play the <i>Ghost</i>? For me the <i>Ghost</i> may go<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To his “sulphureous and”—I mean elsewhere.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Help me! ye Britons! from the Wells of Sadler!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Help me! ye powers of earthly Chancery!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Keen-sighted Wood, and most judicious Westbury,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Help me! I cry. It is your Phelps that calls!<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit w20m">[<i>Rushes out at the rate of £40 a week.</i></p> - -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page59">[59]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">AMONG THE AMATEURS</h2> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo076.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="409" title="AMONG THE AMATEURS" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page60">[60]</span></p> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>AT THE MASQUERADE</h3> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span> know ’twas not the proper thing to do,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And yet I thought it would be jolly too,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To go alone to that swell masquerade,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And so I did it. Well my plans were laid.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My wife of my intentions naught did know.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I told her, out of town I had to go,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And she believed me. Leaving her to stay<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At home, I went and danced in costume gay.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I had been at the ball an hour or so,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When some one introduced a domino.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I saw that she was plump and graceful, and<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She had a pretty little foot and hand.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her eyes, I noticed, flashed like diamonds bright,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Though plump, she waltzed divinely; feather light,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And then she flirted with most perfect art,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It isn’t singular I lost my heart.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Soon my sweet charmer I began to ask<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To step into an alcove and unmask!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To let me see the lovely face I’d swear<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Was hid behind that mask. My lady fair<br /></span> -<span class="i0">At first refused. I pleaded long and hard;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Declared my life forever would be marred,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Unless her cruelty she would relent.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My pleading won, at last, a shy consent.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her face she would permit my eyes to view,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If I unmasked, the selfsame instant; too.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The dancing-hall had alcoves all around,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And soon in one of these ourselves we found;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The alcove was, for two, the proper size,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And passing dancers would not recognize<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You, for the light was dim within the niche,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And flowers, about, their perfume gave. My witch<br /></span> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page61"></span> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page62">[62]</span> -<span class="i0">Her mask removed. I meantime did the same.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“My wife!” “My husband!” So we did exclaim.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The truth we neither of us had mistrusted,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And each was disappointed and disgusted.<br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter w350"> -<img src="images/illo078.jpg" alt="" width="344" height="600" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">AT</span> A FANCY BALL. -<span class="smcap">Voice Within</span> (<i>to waiter</i>). I’m starving! For goodness -sake, get a can opener. I can’t get this beastly visor up.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo079.jpg" alt="ornamental mourner" width="250" height="244" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3 class="highline">THE AMATEUR FLUTE-PLAYER</h3> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i8"><span class="poemcap">H</span>ear the fluter with his flute,<br /></span> -<span class="i10"><span class="padl2">Silver flute!<br /></span></span> -<span class="i0">Oh, what a world of wailing is awakened by its toot!<br /></span> -<span class="i8">How it demi-semi-quavers,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">On the maddened air of night!<br /></span> -<span class="i8">And defieth all endeavours<br /></span> -<span class="i10">To escape the sound or sight<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Of the flute, flute, flute,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">With its tootle, tootle, toot,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With reiterated tootings of exasperated toots.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The long-protracted tootings of agonizing toots,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Of the flute, flute, flute, flute,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Flute, flute, flute,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the wheezing and the spittings of its toots.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i4">Should he get that other <span class="nowrap">flute—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i12">Golden <span class="nowrap">flute—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oh, what a deeper anguish will its presence institoot!<br /></span> -<span class="i4">How his eyes to heaven he’ll raise<br /></span> -<span class="i12">As he plays<br /></span> -<span class="i12">All the days!<br /></span> -<span class="i4">How he’ll stop us on our ways<br /></span> -<span class="i12">With its praise;<br /></span> -<span class="i4">And the people—oh, the people!<br /></span> -<span class="i4">That don’t live up in the steeple,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">But inhabit Christian parlours<br /></span> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page63">[63]</span> -<span class="i4">Where he visiteth and <span class="nowrap">plays—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i8">Where he plays, plays, plays<br /></span> -<span class="i8">In the cruellest of ways,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">And thinks we ought to listen,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">And expects us to be mute,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Who would rather have the earache<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Than the music of his <span class="nowrap">flute—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i8">Of his flute, flute, flute,<br /></span> -<span class="i8">And the tooting of his <span class="nowrap">toot—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of the toot wherein he tooteleth his agonizing toot<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Of the fluet, fluit, floot.<br /></span> -<span class="i8">Phlute, phlewt, phlewght,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the tootle-tootle-tooting of his toot.<br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo080.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="526" /> -<p class="caption">PRIVATE THEATRICALS—THE MOUSTACHES.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Lady -B.</span> (<i>a wicked Marquis</i>). But have you made me fierce enough, Charles?<br /> -<span class="smcap padl2">Charles.</span> Fierce!—ferocious!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page64">[64]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo081.jpg" alt="ornamental calf's head" width="350" height="229" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>ONLY SEVEN</h3> - -<p class="center highline1"><span class="smcap">A Pastoral Story, after Wordsworth.</span></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span> marvelled why that simple child<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Made faces like the Gorgons,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And clapt its hands, with moanings wild,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">On its digestive organs.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Adopting a parental tone,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I asked her why she cried,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The damsel answered with a groan,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“I’ve got a pain inside.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“I thought it would have sent me mad<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Last night about eleven”;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Said I, “What is it makes you bad?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How many apples have you had?”<br /></span> -<span class="i2">She answered, “Only seven!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“And are you sure you took no more,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My little maid?” quoth I.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“Oh! please, sir, mother gave me four,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“But <i>they</i> were in a pie!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“If that’s the case,” I stammered out,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“Of course you’ve had eleven”;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The maiden answered with a pout,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“I ain’t had more nor seven!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I wondered hugely what she meant,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And said, “I’m bad at riddles,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But I know where little girls are sent<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For telling taradiddles.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Now, if you don’t reform,” said I,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“You’ll never go to heaven.”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But all in vain; each time I cry,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That little idiot makes reply,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“I ain’t had more nor seven!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="center highline1"><span class="smcap">Postscript.</span></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">To borrow Wordsworth’s name was wrong,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Or slightly misapplied;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And so I’d better call my song,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“Lines after Ache-inside.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit w18m"><i>Fun</i>, 1865.</p> - -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page65">[65]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo082.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="383" /> -<p class="caption">PRIVATE THEATRICALS AT THE TITWILLOWS’.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Mr.</span> -Titwillow, having undertaken a comic part, is about to render his appearance more effective by reddening -the tip of his dear little nose. His wife, mother, and sister, in a passionate appeal to his nobler feelings, implore him -not to desecrate his dignity by such an act. -<span class="righttext">[<i>His bosom friend cynically contemplates the touching family scene.</i></span></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page66">[66]</span></p> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>LYCEUM LYRICS</h3> - -<h4 class="highline">(<i>After Ben Jonson.</i>)</h4> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span>t is not being underlined,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Six months that leaves the rest behind;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Or standing long a joke that makes us here<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Less valued by the public eye and ear.<br /></span> -<span class="i4">The “super” in his way<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Is happier, so they say,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Although he fights for eighteenpence a night,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Than he who has talents he can’t bring to light;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In small proportions we tragedians see<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who can attain what they would like to be.<br /></span> -</div> - -<h4 class="highline">(<i>After Herrick.</i>)</h4> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Gather your laurels whilst ye may,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The season on is flying,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And make your audience smile to-day,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To-morrow set them crying.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A good tragedian, when there’s one,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Much money may be getting,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But longer dramas have a run<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The nearer he’s to fretting.<br /></span> -</div> - -<h4 class="highline">(<i>After Lovelace.</i>)</h4> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Large type does not an actor make,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Nor theatre-walls a cage,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Minds unambitious then may take<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The salary they engage.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">If I can’t get the parts I love,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">At least, let me be free,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Another theatre yet may prove<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My right to liberty.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit w18m">—<i>Fun</i>, 1863.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo083.jpg" alt="crippled ornamental figure" width="150" height="256" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page67">[67]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">THE POETS’ CORNER</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">THE POETS’ CORNER</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo084.jpg" alt="" width="423" height="500" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption padl2 padr2">PORTRAIT OF A GENTLEMAN<br /> -<span class="fsize80">In the act of writing a funny poem, that will make you die of laughing -when you read it.</span></p> - -<p class="right fsize80 padl2 padr2"> -[<i>The enlarged photograph on the wall represents the same party when -not engaged in comic composition.</i></p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page68">[68]</span></p> - -<h3>THE POETS AT PLAY</h3> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo085.jpg" alt="ornamental undertaker" width="125" height="225" /> -</div> - -<p class="largecap">Addison in his <i>Papers on Wit</i> makes vigorous onslaught -against “false wit.” “The first species of -false wit which I have met with is venerable for its -antiquity, and has produced several pieces which have -lived very near as long as the <i>Iliad</i> itself; I mean those -short poems printed among the minor Greek poets, which -resemble the figure of an egg, a pair of wings, an axe, a -shepherd’s pipe, and an altar.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">Further on, he says, referring to these conceits, “the poetry was -to contract or dilate itself according to the mould in which it was -cast. In a word, the verses were to be cramped or extended to the dimensions -of the frame that was prepared for them, and to undergo the fate -of those persons whom the tyrant Procustes used to lodge in his iron bed; -if they were too short he stretched them on a rack; and if they were too -long he chopped off a part of their legs, till they fitted the couch which he -had prepared for them.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">Most people accept this dictum of Addison as a final pronouncement -on the distinction between true and false wit; but on further -consideration it may be found that “much can be said on the other side.” -Addison asserts that the matter must suffer if it has to be squeezed into -a certain shape. This may be so, but it need not be much more so in the -forming of a pair of wings in verse, than in the construction of a sonnet. -Every sonnet, no matter how inspired, must follow an artificial measure, -every poem, be it never so soulful, must have a definite number of feet -in each of its lines and a preconceived arrangement; yet, no one advances -the opinion that Scott was wasting his sense of poetry by casting it in the -form of octo-syllabic verse, or that Shakespeare had a difficulty in fitting -his thoughts to the measure of his sonnets or the blank verse of his plays.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page69">[69]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo086.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="503" /> -<p class="caption">THE POETS ILLUSTRATED.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">1.—“For,</span> indeed, -my father did something smack—.”—<span class="smcap">Merchant of Venice.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">2.—“Take</span> any -shape but that!”—<span class="smcap">Macbeth.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">3.—“Light</span> only -on the box.”—<span class="smcap">Bryant and May.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">4.—“—sigh</span> to think that he had found</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2 noshow">4.—“</span>His -warmest welcome at an inn.”—<span class="smcap">Shenstone.</span></p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">The most that can be advanced against those poetic conceits of the -kind condemned by Addison is that they appeal in a greater degree -to the eye than to the ear, and while we may be conscious of their artificial -nature we should also be catholic enough to admit their ingenuity, and -when they are sufficiently amusing to provoke laughter, or excite a smile, -they should not be denied the attributes of wit; for, after all, when we -free ourselves from the suspicion of affectation, do we not agree that the -chief end of wit is to amuse?</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page70">[70]</span></p> - -<div class="figright w300"> -<img src="images/illo087.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="285" /> -<p class="caption">NO! DON’T. (<span class="smcap">Period</span> 1854.)</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">“So</span> they are sending out books to -amuse the poor fellows at Scutari—and -very proper. I will send five-and-twenty -copies of my last five-act tragedy of -‘The Roman Grandmother.’”</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">These remarks have been suggested -to the writer by his -discovering in one of his old scrap-books -a little collection of curiosities -of verse culled in Bookland -byways “oompty” years ago. -These do not consist of specimens -of the minor Greek poets’ eccentricities, -but in every case they -are examples of what Addison -would have unhesitatingly catalogued -as “false wit”; and yet, -not only are some of them -genuinely amusing and others -highly ingenious, but several display -a painstaking which almost -amounts to genius—if genius be “the capacity for taking pains.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">We can, for example, appreciate the immense industry of the author -who set himself to compose a series, of verses in which the letter -“e” should be entirely omitted, and the painstaking of the author will -be yet further acknowledged when it is known that “e” is the most used -letter in the English alphabet, the relative proportion of its use being 120 -times to j 4, k 8, g 17, and i 40.</p> - -<p class="largecap">There are two such pieces among the writer’s literary curiosities and he -regards them as, perhaps, the most unique. The first one is as <span class="nowrap">follows—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John Knox was a man of wondrous might,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And his words ran high and shrill,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For bold and stout was his spirit bright,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And strong was his stalwart will.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Kings sought in vain his mind to chain,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And that giant brain to control,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But naught on plain or stormy main<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Could daunt that mighty soul.<br /></span><span class="pagenum" id="Page71">[71]</span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">John would sit and sigh till morning cold<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Its shining lamp put out,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For thoughts untold on his mind laid hold,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And brought but pain and doubt.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But light at last on his soul was cast,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Away sank pain and <span class="nowrap">sorrow—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">His soul is gay in a fair to-day<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And looks for a bright to-morrow.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p>The first word in the second line of the third stanza is evidently a -misprint. “Night’s” is most likely the word used by the author, meaning -that the coming of the morn extinguished the <span class="nowrap">stars—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2">Night’s shining lights put out.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="largecap">Here is the other specimen, which is even more ingenious than -that just quoted, each stanza containing every member of the -alphabet except the letter <span class="nowrap">“e”—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Bold Nassaw quits his caravan<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A hazy mountain grot to scan;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Climbs jaggy rocks to spy his way,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Doth tax his sight, but far doth stray.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Not work of man nor sport of child<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Finds Nassaw in that mazy wild;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Lax grow his joints, limbs toil in vain;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Poor wight, why didst thou quit that plain?<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Vainly for succour Nassaw calls;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Know Zillah that thy Nassaw falls,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But prowling wolf and fox may joy<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To quarry on thy Arab boy.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo088.jpg" alt="ornamental knight (Nassaw?)" width="125" height="226" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page72">[72]</span></p> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo089.jpg" alt="flute player (Arab boy?)" width="150" height="239" /> -</div> - -<p class="largecap">A happy thought is well worked out in the following -quaint little <i>jeu d’esprit</i> which the writer came -across in an old magazine many years ago. If you read it -line after line you will find the author cheerfully contemplating -the prospect of matrimony; but if you only -read each alternate line you will discover him to be a -confirmed old <span class="nowrap">bachelor—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv fig089"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I always did intend<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To take to me a wife,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Single my life to spend<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Would grieve my very life.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">It much delighteth me<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To think upon a bride,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To live from woman free<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I can’t be satisfied.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A female, to my mind,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The joy I can’t express,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I ne’er expect to find<br /></span> -<span class="i2">So great in singleness.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A bachelor to live<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I never would agree,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My mind I freely give<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A married man to be.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="largecap">A somewhat common form of poetic conceit is the arranging into -one intelligent poem of lines from a number of well-known poets -and thus forming what may be called a mosaic of verses. I here print -one of the best examples of this kind that I have come across; the author, -like those of the “e”-less verses, is unknown to <span class="nowrap">fame—</span></p> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I only knew she came and went, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Powell.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like troutlets in a pool; <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Hood.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">She was a phantom of delight, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Wordsworth.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">And I was like a fool. <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Eastman.</i></span><br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“One kiss, dear maid,” I said, and sighed, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Coleridge.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Out of those lips unshorn, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Longfellow.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">She shook her ringlets round her head <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Stoddard.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">And laughed in merry scorn. <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Tennyson.</i></span><br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Tennyson.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">You heard them, oh, my heart; <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Alice Cary.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">’Tis twelve at night by the castle clock, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Coleridge.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Beloved, we must part. <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Alice Cary.</i></span><br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Come back, come back!” she cried in grief, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Campbell.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">My eyes are dim with tears <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Bayard Taylor.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">How shall I live through all the days? <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Osgood.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">All through a hundred years? <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>T. S. -Parry.</i></span><br /></span><span class="pagenum" id="Page73">[73]</span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">’Twas in the prime of summer time, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Hood.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">She blessed me with her hand; <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Hoyt.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">We strayed together, deeply blest <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Edwards.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Into the dreaming land. <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Cornwall.</i></span><br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The laughing bridal roses blow, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Patmore.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">To dress her dark-brown hair; <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Bayard Taylor.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">My heart is breaking with my woe, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Tennyson.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Most beautiful! Most rare! <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Read.</i></span><br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I clasped it on her sweet, cold hand, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Browning.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">The precious golden link! <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Smith.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">I calmed her fears, and she was calm, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Coleridge.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Drink, pretty creature, drink!” <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Wordsworth.</i></span><br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And so I won my Genevieve, <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Coleridge.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">And walked in Paradise; <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Hervey.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">The fairest thing that ever grew <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Wordsworth.</i></span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Atween me and the skies! <span class="righttext mosaic"><i>Osgood.</i></span><br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="noindent">The composite poem thus formed may not be praised for beauty of -thought, for absolute sequence of expression; but it is certainly a most -ingenious composition and a monument of literary research.</p> - -<p class="largecap">The remarkable sibilance of the English language is cleverly exaggerated -in the following lines, which are commended to the -attention of those who <span class="nowrap">lisp—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Susanna Snooks sings sad, sweet songs, she sees soft summer skies;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Strange sunset shades sift silently—she somewhat sadly sighs.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Soliloquizingly she strays, sweet songsters shyly sing.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She sees slim spruces’ slanting shades surround some sparkling spring.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Still southward silently she strays. She spies shy Simon Slade.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“Stop, Simon!” says Susanna Snooks. Still sifts sweet sunset’s shade.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Shy Simon six snug satisfying squeezes slyly stole;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Susanna snickered. Simon stayed. Sick, silly, spoony soul!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Susanna’s sire saw some shy, suspicious stranger stray.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Saw Susan say, “Stop, Simon Slade.” Saw simple Simon stay.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Stern sire sought some solid stick—serenely, slyly slipped.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Susanna saw. She shrilly shrieked, “Skip, Simon!” Simon skipped.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="noindent">Needless to say these diverting lines were written and published originally -beyond the westering wave.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page74">[74]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo091.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="393" /> -<p class="caption">THE POETS ILLUSTRATED.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w450">1.—“Dip forward under starry light.”—<span class="righttext smcap">Tennyson.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w450">2.—“It sounds to him like her mother’s <i>Weiss</i> -Singing——”—<span class="righttext smcap">Longfellow.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w450">3.—“Off with his head.”—<span class="righttext smcap">Cibber.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w450">4.—“A pouncet box which ever an I anon<br /> -<span class="noshow">4.—“</span>He gave his nose, and took’t away again,<br /> -<span class="noshow">4.—“</span>... and still he smiled.”—<span class="righttext smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w450">5.—“Tis sweet to know there is an eye will mark<br /> -<span class="noshow">5.—“</span>Our coming, and grow brighter when we come.”—<span class="righttext smcap">Byron.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w450">6.—“Lightly they’ll speak of the -spirit that’s gone.”—<span class="righttext smcap">Wolfe.</span></p> -<p class="caption just fsize80 w450">7.—“That we may call these delicate creatures ours—<br /> -<span class="noshow">7.—“</span>But not their appetites.”—<span class="righttext smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page75">[75]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo092.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="504" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"> <span class="smcap padl2">Country Critic</span> (<i>who the previous evening patronised “Muggins’ -Travelling Theatre”</i>). They poets just are clever chaps, and noa mistake! -I see a thing last night as I never wishes to see not noa better. Darned -if I doant thin’k that <i>Mariar Martin, or the Red Baarn</i> arn’t the best play -as ever Muster Shakespeare wroat!—(<i>Period</i> 1865.)</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page76">[76]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>MOTLEY’S KINGDOM</h3> - -<p class="center highline2"><span class="smcap">By Brobert Rowning.</span></p> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo093.jpg" alt="T" width="200" height="339" title="T" /> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i00"><span class="hide">T</span>here once was a time, long ago,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When the sages were rulers, you know,<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i0">When men from all parts of the globe<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Would seek them, their wisdom to probe,<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i0">And ask their opinion (no counsel’s<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Like that which your lawyer in town sells.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i0">But sapient and noble advice<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That now you can get at no price).<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i0">But the sages got terribly pestered,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For those they advised for the best, erred<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i0">In doing their best, then in rages<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Laid all of the blame on the sages;<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i0">While now and then one (you ’twas rude’ll<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Allow) said each sage was a noodle!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig093"> -<span class="i0">Meanwhile, no less, morning and night<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From all parts of the earth, left and right.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">From north, and from south, east, and west<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For advice—<i>gratis</i>—all the world prest.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Said the sages, “We’re too much admired!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Let’s retire.” So the sages retired,<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And then to extremes rushing hotly,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Took cap and bells, bauble, and motley,<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">In <i>that</i> disguise guided the throng,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Not by showing the right but the wrong,<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And found to their wonderment great<br /></span> -<span class="i0">’Tis more easy to keep people straight<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">By lashing for errors they make<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then showing the right road to take.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And this, don’t you see, is the way<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The whole world is governed to-day.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Men have long ceased the sages to pester<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But bow to the rule of the jester.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Well—<i>Ridentem quid dicere verum</i><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>Vetat?</i>—If the people will hear ’um!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So, there, now my story is <span class="nowrap">done—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the moral! Why, that you see’s <span class="smcap">Fun</span>.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Fun</i>, 1866.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page77">[77]</span></p> - -<div class="figright cuba"> -<img src="images/illo094a.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="301" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">“What’s ’A-cuba to him, or he to -’A-cuba?”</p> -<p class="caption right fsize80">—<span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p> -</div> - -<h3 class="left">AN<br /> -ILLUSTRATED<br /> -EDITION<br /> -OF THE<br /> -POETS</h3> - -<p class="thinline allclear"> </p> - -<div class="figcenter w550"> -<img src="images/illo094b.jpg" alt="" width="519" height="300" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80">“Mark’d you her eye?”</p> -<p class="caption capright fsize80">—<span class="smcap">Sheridan.</span></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption fsize80">“Alarms! Excursions! Parties fighting.”</p> -<p class="caption capright fsize80">—<span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page78">[78]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w550"> -<img src="images/illo095a.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="324" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80">“Methinks I scent the morning hair!”</p> -<p class="caption capright fsize80">—<span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption fsize80">“Parting is such sweet sorrow.”</p> -<p class="caption fsize80 capright">—<span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="thinline allclear"> </p> - -<div class="figcenter w550"> -<img src="images/illo095b.jpg" alt="" width="550" height="434" /> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza fsize80"> -<span class="i00">“I waited for the train at Coventry,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I hung with grooms and porters on the bridge.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit">—<span class="smcap">Tennyson.</span></p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemcenter--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page79">[79]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w250"> -<img src="images/illo096a.jpg" alt="" width="250" height="300" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">“My custom always of an afternoon.”</p> -<p class="caption right fsize80">—<span class="smcap">Shakespeare.</span></p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter w550"> -<img src="images/illo096b.jpg" alt="" width="550" height="324" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80">“Say what can Chloe want? She wants a heart.”</p> -<p class="caption capright fsize80">—<span class="smcap">Pope.</span></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza fsize80"> -<span class="i00">“Oh! too convincing—dangerous <span class="nowrap">dear—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">In woman’s eye, th’ unanswerable <i>tear</i>.”<br /></span> -</div> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemcenter--> - -<p class="caption capright fsize80">—<span class="smcap">Byron.</span></p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page80">[80]</span></p> - -<h3>POETS AND THEIR PATRONS</h3> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo097.jpg" alt="then and now" width="600" height="293" /> -</div> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<h4>THE PAST.</h4> - -<p class="largecap">Vast is the difference between -the Poets’ Patron of the past -and of the present period. Formerly -the noble was the encourager of the -lofty strains of inspiration, but nowadays -Moses is the Mæcenas of the -Muses. In times gone by the bard -was accustomed to write lays to laud -the lazy lordling, but now he sings -pæans to the paletot, and invests the -vest with the graceful trimmings of -fancy.</p> - -<p>The poet has turned puffer instead -of parasite. Should another Pope -arise, he would sing the praises of -another Chesterfield; but instead of -being the Earl of that name, it would -be the wrapper he would take for the -subject of his lucubrations. The -following is a fair specimen of the -style of thing to which a new Pope -would most probably devote his -poetical <span class="nowrap">talents:—</span></p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="poemdiv present"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h4>THE PRESENT.</h4> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">H</span>ow happy is the new Mosaic cut!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When Moses opens, let the rest be shut.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Look at the coat! so dashing, yet refined,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In front perfection, and the same behind;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Body and skirt their equal distance keep,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The collar not too narrow, nor too deep;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Grace shines about it with enchanting beams,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And finest workmanship cements the seams.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Taste lurks in every fold, and—Gracious Heaven!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You get the article for two pound seven.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Let others to the western Schneiders fly,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With eastern elegance ’tis vain to vie.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page81">[81]</span></p> - -<h3 class="hidden">My Manuscripts</h3> - -<div class="hh"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo098.jpg" alt="ornamental section header" width="600" height="471" -title="My Manuscripts. -Phyllis Tyne" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>I.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">A</span> certain dismal desk I own comprises<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A literary morgue, a place of tears,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Where manuscripts of divers shapes and sizes<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Repose—defiled with dust and canine ears.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They lie, awaiting ultimate cremation,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My slighted bantlings—poor, ill-treated pets!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Embodiments of blighted aspiration<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And bitter editorial regrets!<br /></span> -</div> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--hh--> - -<div class="scr"> - -<div class="phyllistyne"> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem nr1"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>I.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">A</span> certain dismal desk I own comprises<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A literary morgue, a place of tears,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Where manuscripts of divers shapes and sizes<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Repose—defiled with dust and canine ears.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They lie, awaiting ultimate cremation,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My slighted bantlings—poor, ill-treated pets!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Embodiments of blighted aspiration<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And bitter editorial regrets!<br /></span> -</div> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--phyllistyne--> - -</div><!--scr--> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>II.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Which tale, which play, which poem is the poorest,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Where all have often been condemned as poor,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which manuscript the most case-hardened tourist,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Where all have been on many a fruitless tour,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I cannot tell. Yet am I fain to wager<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That none have been the cause of so much ire<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As this—the stoutest, inkiest old stager,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That, in my heart of hearts, I still admire!<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>III.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The epics that, by some elusive magic,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Were turned at last to musical burlesques,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The comedies that daily grew more tragic<br /></span> -<span class="i2">(Foredoomed to moulder in sepulchral skies);<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The bright libretto, worthy of a Gilbert,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That shrunk into one lyric, which describes<br /></span> -<span class="i0">What passed between the “Earwig and the <span class="nowrap">Filbert”—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">These and their like I treasure up in tribes!<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page82">[82]</span></p> - -<div class="hh"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo099a.jpg" alt="can can dancers" width="600" height="460" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>IV.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I have composed heroics and didactics,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Completed thrilling dramas by the score,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I have adopted mercenary tactics,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And started lurid serials galore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But seldom could I pen them as I planned them;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The plays developed strangely, scene by scene,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Till I was forced, at length, to brand them<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As feeble skits on what they might have been!<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo099b.jpg" alt="miscellaneous scenes" width="450" height="506" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>V.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I would not be a virulent detractor<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of all the editors who say me nay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of each successful manager and actor<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Who has declined (with thanks) my strongest play;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They may be men of taste and erudition,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But, if they understand (and do they not?)<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The kind of thing in public requisition,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The public must require the baldest rot?<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--hh--> - -<div class="scr"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo099ha.jpg" alt="can can dancers" width="444" height="214" /> -</div> - -<div class="figleft fig099hb"> -<img src="images/illo099hb.jpg" alt="bug" width="185" height="120" /> -</div> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo099hc.jpg" alt="miscellaneous scenes" width="114" height="270" /> -</div> - -<div class="figright fig099hd"> -<img src="images/illo099hd.jpg" alt="miscellaneous scenes" width="126" height="297" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>IV.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I have composed heroics and didactics,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Completed thrilling dramas by the score,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I have adopted mercenary tactics,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And started lurid serials galore;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But seldom could I pen them as I planned them;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The plays developed strangely, scene by scene,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Till I was forced, at length, to brand them<br /></span> -<span class="i2">As feeble skits on what they might have been!<br /></span> -</div> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem nr5" style="padding-left: 2em;"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>V.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I would not be a virulent detractor<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of all the editors who say me nay,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of each successful manager and actor<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Who has declined (with thanks) my strongest play;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They may be men of taste and erudition,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But, if they understand (and do they not?)<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The kind of thing in public requisition,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The public must require the baldest rot?<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--scr--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page83">[83]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo100a.jpg" alt="man at pillar box" width="300" height="246" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>VI.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">My manuscripts! before I burn or rend you<br /></span> -<span class="i2">(Momentarily penitent and sane),<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Methinks I will be rash enough to send you<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Upon a <i>final</i> journey once again!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Your mute entreaties give me heart to fight on,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">With fixed intent to find the “open door.”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My only difficulty is to light on<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Some quarter where you have not been before!<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemcenter--> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<p class="center fsize110"><b>VII.</b></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And what of these supremely dismal verses?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">They, too, shall be incontinently <span class="nowrap">hurled—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Like many of their colour—on the mercies<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of this unkind and unpoetic world.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I will submit them, with a curt epistle,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To some sad editor’s regretful eye,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sanguine, of course, yet, posting them, I’ll whistle<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The strains of “Au revoir, but not good-bye!”<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemcenter--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo100b.jpg" alt="editor" width="300" height="290" /> -</div> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page84">[84]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo101.jpg" alt="two men" width="350" height="451" /> -</div> - -<h3>A MAN I HATE</h3> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">O</span>f all the bores that, now and then,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Society permits<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To talk to literary men,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Or mix among the wits,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The worst are those that <i>will</i> devote<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Their little minds to anecdote.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve sat and listened, I confess,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">To fools of many kinds,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Including people who possess<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Encyclopædic minds.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But oh! the very worst afloat<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Is he who takes to anecdote.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I like a man who makes a pun<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Or else a deep remark;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I like philosophy or <span class="nowrap">fun—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i4">If only just a spark.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But how I hate the muffs who gloat<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Inanely over anecdote.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I loathe a man who recollects<br /></span> -<span class="i4">A little thing he heard;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then tells a story and expects<br /></span> -<span class="i4">A grin at ev’ry word.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For how can any one promote<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Your liveliness by anecdote?<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh, no! I’d rather live alone<br /></span> -<span class="i4">Upon a desert isle,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With not a voice, except my own,<br /></span> -<span class="i4">To cheer me all the while,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Than talk to men who learn by rote<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Their paltry funds of anecdote!<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Fun</i>, 1866.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page85">[85]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">MAINLY ABOUT AUTHORS</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">MAINLY ABOUT AUTHORS</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo102.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="420" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption just padl2 padr2 fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Would-be Novelist</span> -(<i>writes</i>). Even as he read the letter, De Brooke’s -face blanched. The dreaded blow had fallen! The estate would never -be his—and he must be content with a mere existence on a paltry nine -hundred a year.</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page86">[86]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo103.jpg" alt="bald lady" width="300" height="425" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">LADY AUDLEY’S SECRET</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<h3>A WHITCOMB RILEY STORY</h3> - -<p class="largecap">On the way to the office of his publishers one crisp autumn morning, -Mr. James Whitcomb Riley, the celebrated “Hoosier” poet of -America, who is almost as well known in England, met an unusually -large number of acquaintances who commented conventionally upon -the fine weather. This unremitting applause amused him. When -greeted at the office with “Nice day, Mr. Riley,” he smiled broadly.</p> - -<p>“Yes,” he agreed. “Yes, I’ve heard it very highly spoken of.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page87">[87]</span></p> - -<h3>MARK TWAIN AND THE KEY</h3> - -<p class="largecap">“Once when I was going out to visit some friends,” Mark Twain -is alleged to have said, in relating this one of the innumerable -“yarns” fathered on him, “I told George, my negro servant, to lock -the house and put the key under a certain stone near the steps. He -agreed to do so.</p> - -<p>“It was late at night when I returned. I went to the stone under -which the key was supposed to have been hidden. It was gone. I -hunted around the premises for about fifteen minutes, but still no key.</p> - -<p>“Finally I went to George’s house—he lived outside—and rapped, -vigorously upon the door. A black head, which I had no difficulty in -recognizing as George’s, popped out of an upstairs window.</p> - -<p>“‘Where did you put that key, you black rascal?’ I roared.</p> - -<p>“‘Oh, massa,’ answered George, ‘I found a better place for it.’”</p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo104.jpg" alt="playing nine-pins" width="300" height="215" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">DESCEND, YE NINE.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page88">[88]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo105.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="355" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">PERFECT SINCERITY, OR, THINKINGS ALOUD.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Genius.</span> By the way, did you glance over that article of mine on -“The Intellect of Woman, and her Social Position?” I don’t care -twopence about your opinion; only, if you can say something favourable, -of course I shall be pleased.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Common Sense.</span> Why, I tried to get through it, but upon my life, -I found it such contemptible rubbish, that I couldn’t get on; and, -to tell you the truth, I think that a snug little thing in the cheese-mongering -line would be more in your way than literature.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Genius.</span> Ah, you must be a fool!</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption">HISTORY—THE ANCIENT BRITONS.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Emily</span> (<i>reads</i>). In the summer they were naked, and instead of -clothes they put paint upon their bodies. They were fond of a fine -blue colour, which they made of a plant called woad, which they found -in their woods. They squeezed out the juice of the woad, and then -stained themselves all over with it, so that in summer they looked -as if they were dressed in tight blue clothes.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Arthur.</span> And did they walk in the park and go to church so?</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page89">[89]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo106.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="391" /> -<p class="caption">A RURAL STUDY.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80">BURLESQUE-WRITER FORCING PUNS.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page90">[90]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo107.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="486" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Genius.</span> -Ha! I may be unrecognized, my dear, but I’ll have my revenge on posterity. -When the great cypher work is dug out of the Thames it will show that everything Meredith, -Hardy, Kipling and Marie Corelli ever wrote was <i>mine</i>—<i>mine!</i></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page91">[91]</span></p> - -<h3>HUMOURS OF THE PRINTING-HOUSE</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo108.jpg" alt="T" title="T" width="200" height="319" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="fig108"><span class="hide">T</span>he printing-house is notoriously the place for fun. -Every shop has its selection of funny men who are -ever ready to co-operate with the “devils” in -manufacturing mirth. And there are always the -“fossils,” who afford many an opportunity for a -hearty laugh at them, if not with them. Often -have I been amused with, the idiosyncrasies of -these typographical gray beards; their chief charm -being their colossal assurance as to their invariably -being right, and everybody else, who presumes -to differ from them, wrong. I recollect one of these ancient typesetters -(an old Scotsman) who used to be the butt of countless jokes in -the shop where he toiled so patiently. On one occasion he set up an -article from my pen, beginning, “Long before the introduction of Pears’ -Soap”; and I am bothered if he didn’t turn the last two words into -“Pea Soup!” But the real fun of the matter was, that on his mistake -being pointed out, he blandly suggested our letting the words appear as -he had set them—“it wid dae jist as weel!”</p> - -<p class="largecap">The printer does not seem to be deeply concerned about his future, -indeed, he has many a gay dig at that grave subject; as, for -<span class="nowrap">instance—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Old Lucifer, both kind and civil.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To every printer lends a devil;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But, balancing accounts each winter,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For every devil takes a printer.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page92">[92]</span></p> - -<div class="figleft w250"> -<img src="images/illo109.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="345" /> -<p class="caption">AUTHOR’S MISERIES.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Having</span> corresponded with Miss Rudge, -the gifted poetess (authoress of “Floranthe,” -“The Lovelock of Montrose,” -“Moans of the Heartstrings,” etc.), and -exchanged portraits and your own poems -with her, you meet at last.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">You</span> are disappointed in her appearance -and find her about forty years -older than her picture; perhaps you, -too, have grown rather fat and seedy -since yours was taken twenty years ago.</p> - -</div><!--figleft--> - -<p class="largecap">The printer’s “devil,” by the -way, is a queer fish, and -there is a story about a certain -metropolitan imp that fits any of -the little sinners to a T. This -particular youngster had just received -his week’s wages, eleven -shillings, when he was heard to -soliloquize in these terms—“Let -me see. I’ll go the Coliseum to-night, -that’s a shilling; supper -with bottled beer, that’s eighteenpence; -’baccy for the week, a -shilling; beer ditto, two shillings; -theatre one night next week, -that’s one-and-six, and supper, -one-and-six; and I’ll buy that -swell walking stick, and that’ll -just leave sixpence to take home -to mother towards my week’s -board.” He must have been a -regular bad ’un, that.</p> - -<p class="largecap">Another favourite medium -of printing-house fun is -found in adapting Gilbert’s -famous line and mourning that a “printer’s lot is not a happy one,” or -magnifying the annoyances from authors and editors with which -printers have to put up. In this connexion we find one printer relieving -his troubled soul <span class="nowrap">thus—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">Working for forty editors and scores -of authors, every one of whom is as sensitive<span class="pagenum" id="Page93">[93]</span> -as a sore thumb, and as lively and interesting -as a hornet, no wonder that -printers die young, and only pachydermatus, -grizzly, mulish specimens -get their share of life. The writer -wishes he could offer himself as an -awful example of the perils which -environ a man who meddles with cold -type. A thoroughly trained printer -should have had a stepmother, and -then a stepfather, and then have been -bound out to a tanner, and then have -married a scolding wife, and lived in a -smoky house, and have had a family of -babies who were afflicted with colic. -He should have added to all this discipline -a thorough knowledge of science, -art, law, language, theology, history -and biography. If, in addition, he -has a vicious looking countenance and -an amiable disposition, he may stand -some chance with these authors and -editors ; but the probabilities are, after -all, that they will worry him to -death.</p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo110.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="334" /> -<p class="caption">AUTHORS’ MISERIES.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">As</span> you are labouring on your great -work (in a style, let us add, equal to the -subject), Lady Anna Maria Tomnoddy’s -compliments arrive, and she requests -you will cast your eye over the accompanying -manuscript in six volumes, -“The Mysteries of Mayfair,” correct -the errors, if any, and find a publisher -for the same.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">N.B.—You</span> have in your bookcase -Captain Bangle’s “Buffaloes and Banyan -Trees,” in MS.; the Rev. Mr. -Growl’s “Sermons to a Congregation at -Swansea,” ditto ditto; Miss Piminy’s -“Wildflower Coronal, a Wreath of -Village Poesy”; and Mr. Clapperton’s -six manuscript tragedies; of all of -which you are requested to give your -opinion.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">Then there is a certain freedom -about printers’ humour -which we don’t find elsewhere, -save among editors: but printers, -like editors, have ever been privileged -individuals, and we are told -that when the recording angel -observes a printer hold a bit of -bent brass rule between his -fingers, while he misses it with a -hammer, the trustworthy scribe -drops into a brown study, and pretends not to hear anything. Nor is it -logical to assume that a printer is a saint because he sets up a hymn-book.<span class="pagenum" id="Page94">[94]</span> -You might as well regard -an editor as a fool because you -didn’t exactly agree with what -was in his paper.</p> - -<div class="figleft w250"> -<img src="images/illo111.jpg" alt="" width="200" height="213" /> -<p class="caption">AUTHORS’ MISERIES.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Perhaps</span> you flatter yourself that you -have made an impression on Miss Flannigan -(at Worthing), and you find her -asleep over your favourite book.</p> - -</div><!--figleft--> - -<p>Illustrative of this there is an -excellent anecdote told by the -late Max O’Rell in his book, <i>A -Frenchman in America</i>.</p> - -<p class="largecap">A former proprietor of the -<i>New York Times and Post</i> -was wont every morning to select -a text from the Bible to be printed -above the leader. One morning, -by some mischance, the text got -lost, and Max tells us that the -comps might have been heard asking in pretty loud stage whispers, -“If anybody knew where that d—— text was?”</p> - -<p class="largecap">Perhaps the wit of the compositor is most amusing when it appeals -to the eye. That is, when he gives rein to his fancy, and uses his -types for suggesting witty ideas. Here is a very happy illustration of -this kind of <span class="nowrap">fun—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">“T<i>T</i>h<i>h</i>e<i>e</i> -c<i>c</i>o<i>o</i>m<i>m</i>p<i>p</i>o<i>o</i>s<i>s</i>i<i>i</i>t<i>t</i>o<i>o</i>r<i>r</i> -w<i>w</i>h<i>h</i>o<i>o</i> s<i>s</i>e<i>e</i>t<i>t</i> t<i>t</i>h<i>h</i>i<i>i</i>s<i>s</i> p<i>p</i>a<i>a</i>r<i>r</i>. -h<i>h</i>a<i>a</i>s<i>s</i> h<i>h</i>a<i>a</i>d<i>d</i> -e<i>e</i>x<i>x</i>a<i>a</i>c<i>c</i>t<i>t</i>l<i>l</i>y<i>y</i> a<i>a</i> g<i>g</i>l<i>l</i>a<i>a</i>s<i>s</i>s<i>s</i> -a<i>a</i>n<i>n</i>d<i>d</i> a<i>a</i> h<i>h</i>a<i>a</i>l<i>l</i>f<i>f</i> t<i>t</i>o<i>o</i>o<i>o</i> -m<i>m</i>u<i>u</i>c<i>c</i>h<i>h</i> a<i>a</i>n<i>n</i>d<i>d</i> t<i>t</i>h<i>h</i>i<i>i</i>s<i>s</i> -i<i>i</i>s<i>s</i> p<i>p</i>r<i>r</i>e<i>e</i>c<i>c</i>i<i>i</i>s<i>s</i>e<i>e</i>l<i>l</i>y<i>y</i> -w<i>w</i>h<i>h</i>a<i>a</i>t<i>t</i> h<i>h</i>e<i>e</i> f<i>f</i>e<i>e</i>e<i>e</i>l<i>l</i>s<i>s</i> -l<i>l</i>i<i>i</i>k<i>k</i>e<i>e.</i>”</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankabove">Yes, that compositor may only have had “a glass and a-half too -much,” but the typo who is supposed to have set up the appended -advertisement has manifestly indulged to even a greater <span class="nowrap">extent—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="center fsize90 blankbefore">£ DOGSH LOSHT!<br /> -Reward Five Shtrayed or Shtolen,<br /> -<span class="smcap">Bandy Coloured Liver Legged Dog</span><br /> -Had on Collar Marked “Rover,”<br /> -Answers to name of C.B., Esq.<br /> -Whoever bringsh 5£ receive dogsh reward. No<br /> -furtherdogsh will be offered.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page95">[95]</span></p> - -<div class="figright w250"> -<img src="images/illo112a.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="362" /> -<p class="caption">AUTHORS’ MISERIES.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">As</span> you are conducting Lady Gotobed -to her carriage from Lady Highjink’s -“noble party,” and fancying yourself a -man of fashion, you hear the servants in -the hall saying one to another, “that’s -him—that’s Poonch!”</p> - -</div><!--figright--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">American printers are much given to these diverting devices, and -in the following instance we have a number of papers vieing with -one another in extracting fun from the technical terms for the various -signs and <span class="nowrap">punctuations—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">“If brevity is the soul of wit, how is this for a funny ¶?—‘Wheeling Journal.’ -It is without a ‖.—‘New York Enterprise.’ Did you expect anybody to “ ” that?—‘Philadelphia -Sunday Mirror.’ Those are the worst jokes of the .—‘Washington -Critic.’ My * * *, you’re pointed as a †, aren’t you?—‘Burlington Enterprise.’ -We <img src="images/brace.png" alt="top curly bracket" title="brace" width="29" height="10" /> the opportunity to say these -are ,cal ? ? ? you fellows pro£.—‘Gold.’ -Well, they afford a $ous sort of amusement -at best and —— our spirits -greatly.—‘New York “L.” R. Journal.’”</p> - -<p class="largecap">Here is another of the same, -as they say about the -Psalms of <span class="nowrap">David—</span></p> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">“A company of printers from Constantinople -have joined the Turkish -army. They ought to be good at a -— at the enemy in the :ized region -of Bulgaria. It is surprising that they -should be so foolish * their lives where -shot and shell may put an untimely . -to their existence. Let them <img src="images/brace.png" alt="top curly bracket" title="brace" width="29" height="10" /> the -first opportunity 2 , way from that § -where the murderous work of †† is -un‖ed, and may the ☞ of Providence -guide them to a latitude where -they may live with a greater ° of -safety.”</p> - -<div class="allclear split5050 w400"> - -<div class="left"> - -<div class="figcenter w200"> -<img src="images/illo112b.png" alt="smiling face" width="117" height="132" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">The man who -likes a joke.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="figcenter w200"> -<img src="images/illo112c.png" alt="usmiling face" width="126" height="132" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">The man who -doesn’t.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="allclear">The printer can also make fun -with a few brackets and other typographical oddments, as shown above.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page96">[96]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo113.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="397" /> -<p class="caption">AUTHORS’ MISERIES.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>Old Gentleman.</i> <span class="padl2 padr2"><i>Miss Wiggets.</i></span> <i>Two Authors.</i></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Old Gentleman.</span> I am sorry to see you occupied, my dear Miss Wiggets, -with that trivial paper <i>Punch</i>. A railway is not a place, in my opinion, for jokes. -I never joke—never.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Miss W.</span> So I should think, sir.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Old Gentleman.</span> And besides, are you aware who are the conductors of that -paper, and that they are Chartists, Deists, Atheists, Anarchists, and Socialists, to -a man? I have it from the best authority, that they meet together once a week -in a tavern in Saint Giles’s, where they concoct their infamous print. The chief -part of their income is derived from threatening letters which they send to the nobility -and gentry. The principal writer is a returned convict. Two have been tried -at the Old Bailey; and their artist—as for their artist....</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Guard.</span> Swin-dun! Sta-tion! -<span class="righttext">[<i>Exeunt two Authors.</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">In taking leave of this very entertaining subject one cannot do better -than quote a printer’s “little joke,” which is at once mirth-provoking, -and eminently suited as a “tail-piece” for this <span class="nowrap">paper—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i00">“Full many a man, who now doth cheat the printer,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Will waste his voice upon the heated air,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And vainly sigh for cooling breeze of winter<br /></span> -<span class="i2">When he is punished for his sins down there.”<br /></span> -</div> -</div> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="center blankbefore fsize150">☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟ ☟</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page97">[97]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo114.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="473" /> -<p class="caption">AUTHORS’ MISERIES.</p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">The</span> printer’s boy is sitting in the -hall; the editor has written to say that -your last contributions are not up to the -mark, and that you must be more funny, -if you please. Mr. Snip, the tailor, has -called again that morning; you have a -splitting headache, from a transaction -over-night, and as you are writing an -exceedingly light and humorous article, -your dear Anna-Maria wishes to know -how you <i>dare</i> dine at Greenwich, and -with whom you dined?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">I</span> suppose she found the bill in your -coat-pocket. How changed Anna-Maria -is from what she was when you married -her! and how uncommonly ill-tempered -she has grown!</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>Mr. Tims and a Good-natured Friend.</i></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">G.-N. F.</span> Have you read the <i>Macadamiser</i>, -Tims?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">T.</span> Hem! no. <i>Do</i> people read the -<i>Macadamiser</i>?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">G.-N. F.</span> He, he! I say, Tims, -there’s a most unjustifiable attack upon -you in it. Look here. (<i>He kindly takes -out the “Macadamiser.”</i>)</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">T.</span> (<i>reads</i>). “This person is before us -again. He is ignorant, vulgar, and a -Cockney. He is one of that most contemptible -race of men, a professional -buffoon. He is,” etc., etc. (<i>Tims reads -ad libitum.</i>) Thank you, my dear -fellow; it was uncommonly good-natured -of you to bring the critique.</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page98">[98]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo115.jpg" alt="ornament" width="200" height="296" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3 class="highline">HARRIS-ING REFLECTIONS</h3> - -<p class="center highline2 fsize80"><i>Written after a Visit to the Olympic.</i></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">O Sairey Gamp! oh, Sairey Gamp! Of honest people of your stamp, ma’am,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To find a score or even more—the Cynic would not need his lamp, ma’am!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For far and wide on ev’ry side there quite as many, I’m afraid, are<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As on each hedge, so folks allege, the plenteous blackberries displayed are.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Just gaze around—what lots are found, of “honest men” (in common diction)<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whose honour, sense, or wealth immense has no existence but in fiction.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oh, there be few who never knew the great promoters and projectors<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who when they blow a bubble “Co.” obtain from fancy their directors.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And there’s a host of men that boast how many lords as friends they gaze on,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Whose arms no work compiled by Burke was ever called upon to blazon.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How many too from far Peru to China quote their travels daring,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And still, I ween, have never been ten miles beyond the Cross of Charing!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Why scores, I know, the world’s Great Show declare they saw last year at Paris,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yet saw no more the Gallic shore than you set eyes on Mrs. Harris!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">In piteous tones will Mrs. Jones of “better days” and “losses” gibber,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yet has she ne’er, as I can swear, had anything to lose—the fibber!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">There’s Figgs will plead for cash—his need to meet a bill of large amount -<span class="nowrap">is—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">But that same bill, assert I will, drawn on imagination’s fount is!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Just ask your friend Tom Browne to lend you twenty pounds—or make it fifty;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He blames his fate, “you’re just too late—in fact he must himself be thrifty,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Confound! and dash! last week all cash available in funds invested!”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Those funds, I guess, would nothing less than fancy stocks turn out if tested.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">There’s Major Jaw who service saw the great Peninsular campaign <span class="nowrap">in—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Yet ne’er was there! His martial air was built some French -<i>château</i>-in-Spain in?<br /></span><span class="pagenum" id="Page99">[99]</span> -<span class="i0">There’s Bragg whose name all lists proclaim, which tell the world how many guineas<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A B and C, with D and E, subscribe when sought a lot of tin is<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To whitewash blacks, or scatter “tracks”—for Charity! Yet gentle Charis<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I fear you’ll find for men so blind no more exists than Mrs. Harris!<br /></span> -</div> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo116.jpg" alt="Mrs. Gamp and Messrs. Addison and Clarke" width="389" height="600" -title="Sarry Gamp -Mr. Addison -Mr. Clarke" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Oh, Sairey Gamp, oh Sairey Gamp! This world “a wale,” oh Sairey Gamp, is!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And now and then the best of men (like Pecksniff) but a sorry scamp is.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve, on my word, a sermon heard so clever I should like to quote <span class="nowrap">it—</span><br /></span> -</div> - -<span class="pagenum" id="Page100">[100]</span> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Denouncing shams, and bams, and crams—yet he who preached it never wrote it!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I feel remorse that fine discourse to fix a qualifying term on<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But am compelled to own I held it Mrs. H.’s funeral sermon.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve known also, a medico experiment where sickness floored him,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And try to kill his patient till kind nature stepping in restored him!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Well, thereupon our doctor shone with conscious skill and self-laudation,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As if he’d not his wisdom got from Mrs. H.—in consultation!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And eke in Law you’ll find the flaw Divinity and Physic suffer,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Some juniors drag a heavy bag, but every paper there’s a duffer.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mere empty show—it’s wrong you know—a swindle! And yet many a barris-<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Ter’s earliest brief, I own with grief, has been “the case of Mrs. Harris.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Fun</i>, 1868.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter w350"> -<img src="images/illo117.jpg" alt="" width="350" height="424" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80">“Is this a libery?”</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80">“Yes.”</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80">“Then let me have the last number of <i>Hemily Fitz-Hosborn</i>.”</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page101">[101]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">THE EDITOR IN HIS DEN</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">THE EDITOR IN HIS DEN</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo118.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="470" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption">THE EDITOR AT HOME.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Mary.</span> -Please, sir, I’ve been looking everywhere for the third volume -of that book you was reading.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Lodger.</span> -Oh, I took it back to the library this morning. <span class="nowrap">I——</span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Mary.</span> -Oh! then will you tell me, sir, if as how the “Markis” found -out as she’d pisoned ’er two fust ’usbands?</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page102">[102]</span></p> - -<h3>HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo119.jpg" alt="A" width="150" height="107" title="A" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="noindent fig119"><span class="hide">A</span>merica is the fatherland of Modern Advertising, and -Cousin Jonathan’s inherent taste for fun and unconventionality -has led him to adopt striking and often -humorous methods of appeal. Thus the Washington hotel-keeper who -issued a glowing announcement of the attractions of his establishment -would certainly lose nothing when he humorously added to his -advertisement in a Chicago paper: “Clergymen find this the best place -for rest, as book agents cannot climb the hill.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">An enterprising Yankee who runs a hotel at Minnetonka, rejoicing in -the somewhat ominous name of <i>Mosquitos Rest</i>, sends forth an -announcement remarkable for the manner in which it mixes the sublime -with the commonplace. Here is a literal <span class="nowrap">extract—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">Delightful scenery. Clam bakes and ox tail soup every morning for breakfast. -No cyclones allowed to register. Dogs, children, and other pets not allowed on the -grass. Rates range from 3 dols. per day to 21 dols. per week. Excursions to Pike’s -Peak every afternoon. Newspaper publishers can all pay their board by promising -to give us a write-up when they get home. All kinds of baths on draft.</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">Perhaps the most amusing descent from the sublime is to be found -in the advertisement of the proprietor of a building site in Wisconsin, -who offered his land for sale in these <span class="nowrap">terms—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">The town of Poggis and surrounding country is the most beautiful which nature -ever made. The scenery is celestial—divine; also two waggons to sell, and a yoke -of steers.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page103">[103]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">A Pennsylvania clergyman who was evidently a bit of a humorist, -and was anxious to earn an honest penny outside of his own -slender salary, once advertised <span class="nowrap">thus—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">Cupid and Hymen. The little brown cottage at Cambridge, Pa., is the place to -call and have the marriage knot promptly and strongly tied. Inquire of Rev. S. S. -Whitcomb.</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankbefore">What benedict could resist an invitation so gracefully given?</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figright w250"> -<img src="images/illo120.jpg" alt="" width="225" height="286" /> -<p class="caption">ROMANCE OF ADVERTISING.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80 just"><span class="padl2">“I</span> wish, mister, you’d be so good as -to stop the Press and put this in a good -place (<i>reads</i>): ‘Hemily. Don’t delay, -but return to yer broken-arted Adolphus, -or there’s no knowing what may be the -consequence!!!’”</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">It would be difficult to surpass the grim humour of the Pine Tree State -gravestone cutter who notified the public as follows—“Such as -buy tombstones of us look with pride and satisfaction upon the graves of -their friends.” The announcement of an Illinois undertaker, however, -runs it pretty close. Here it is—“An -elegant stock of neat and -nobby shrouds, warranted to give -satisfaction to the most particular.”</p> - -<p class="largecap">The column in American papers -devoted to “Wants” frequently -affords its readers some -amusement, either through the -eccentricity of the advertiser or on -account of some printer’s error. -To the former cause, we have to -ascribe the appended notice from -a Kansas <span class="nowrap">paper—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">Wanted an old man of cranky disposition, -who will stand no bull-dozing, to -work from 3 to 7 p.m.; good salary and -light work. Address “Crank.”</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankbefore">Let’s hope this plain-spoken<span class="pagenum" id="Page104">[104]</span> -advertiser met with -the desirable un-bull-dozable -individual -he wanted, -and that the firm -who inserted the -following in a -southern paper -were likewise successful -in their quest -for a young man -of the same <span class="nowrap">kidney—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="scr"> - -<div class="fig121"> - -<div class="fig121box"> - -<p class="fsize80"><span class="smcap">Artist Poet.</span> Yes, I consider that -to be one of my most brilliant effects. -It is entitled “Pirates surprised at -sunset.”</p> - -<p class="fsize80"><span class="smcap">Editor.</span> Great Scott! Poor fellows, -I don’t wonder they were surprised at -it!</p> - -</div><!--fig121box--> - -</div><!--fig121--> - -</div><!--scr--> - -<div class="hh"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo121e.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="422" /> -</div> - -</div><!--hh--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">We desire an able-bodied, -hard-featured, -bad-tempered, not-to-be-put-off -and not-to-be-backed-down -young -man, to collect for -us; must furnish his own horse, saddle-bags, pistols, bowie knife and cowhide. -We will furnish the accounts. To such a person we promise constant and -laborious employment.</p> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">As to humour arising from printers’ errors, a whole volume of such -amusing blunders might be collected, and the difficulty is to submit -one or two of the most mirth-provoking specimens. For instance, a -Boston clergyman asks for “a young man to take care of a span of horses -of a religious turn of mind,” while another person desires “a nurse in a -small gentleman’s family,” and a Texas man applies for a “Boss hand -over 5,000 sheep that can speak Spanish fluently.” In our home papers, -too, there are many such mirthful mistakes. For example, a notice in a -Welsh paper would lead one to believe the advertiser had reached -the height of “general utility,” and might be used for sleeping in, for -packing in, for hammering about, or for storing goods in, and that he -had been accustomed to that for seventeen years! Look you <span class="nowrap">now—</span></p> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">Man seeks situation as bedstead, box, packing case, rough carpentry, or warehouse; -17 years’ character.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page105">[105]</span></p> - -<div class="figleft padtop1"> -<img src="images/illo122a.jpg" alt="" width="150" height="171" /> -</div> - -<p class="noindent fig122a"><span class="hide">A</span>propos of American advertising, two amusing instances -of unexpected effects are worth recording. -It was a Cincinnati firm who a few years ago sent out -a corps of artists who decorated all available dead walls -with the <span class="nowrap">legend—</span></p> - -<div class="brownsmith w18m"> -<p class="center">USE DR. BROWN’S AGUE CURE.</p> -</div> - -<p>A few weeks later another band of paint-brush wielders struck the -trail of Dr. Brown’s advertisers, and as the result the rural population -was thus <span class="nowrap">advised—</span></p> - -<div class="brownsmith w18m"> -<p>TAKE SMITH’S SARSAPARILLA,<br /> -<span class="fsize80">AND YOU WON’T HAVE TO</span><br /> -USE DR. BROWN’S AGUE CURE.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figright w200"> -<img src="images/illo122b.jpg" alt="" width="150" height="266" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">FANCY <span class="nowrap">PORTRAIT—</span><br /> -OLIVER TWIST.</p> -</div> - -<p class="largecap">It was in Baltimore where the town was liberally supplied with imperative -commands to “Take Ayer’ Pills!” One of these notices -was inscribed on the rail of a board fence immediately underneath which -some zealous colporteur had appropriated a rail for the admonition, “Prepare -to meet your God!” A wag, taking advantage -of the situation, connected the two inscriptions -with a conspicuous “<i>and</i>,” and thus left them.</p> - -<p>The Jap, a slavish imitator of Western customs, -has adopted the methods of Western -advertisement, although his knowledge of the -English language leaves something to be desired. -The following is an extract from an announcement -of a certain teeth powder sweetly named “Naniwakusurihamigaki,” -which appeared in an Anglo-Japanese -periodical—“This Teeth Powder is not -common thing, as be selled in the world, it is -powerful to hold the health of teeth, and recover -the teeth from its sick. If you only examine -you should find that I never tell a lie.”</p> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page106">[106]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo123.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="409" /> -<p class="caption">A FACT!</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>Little Quiller has a great idea of the dignity of literature as a profession, -as also of its professors generally—Quiller particularly. -He has submitted a large parcel of MS. to a publisher for approval, and calls to ascertain the result.</i></p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Publisher</span> (<i>loq.</i>). Hoh! Mr. Quiller? -Yes, sir, I’ve not read your stuff, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do; I’ll take it -on spec, and toss you—sudden death—ten bob or nothin’ for it!</p> -<p class="caption right padr2 fsize80">[<i>Poor little Quiller</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page107">[107]</span></p> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo124.jpg" alt="L intended as I" title="L (but should be I)" width="150" height="177" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="fig124"><span class="hide">I</span>ndian native journals published in what is alleged -to be English, but what is better described as -“Baboo,” also afford many examples of the humours -of advertising. Let us take one specimen which -appeared in the original surmounted with the Royal -<span class="nowrap">Arms—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">I the undersigned obedient monk and Tomb’s slave of Khaja Mainudin Chishti -emporor of India inhabitant of Ajmere most humbly beg to every one gentleman, that -if anybody might be suffering with demon, fairy, magic and fury, from any long -time, or any sort of patient, who cannot be cure by any sort of medical treatment, -they should attend at Mote Bazar in Memon Kader Fakir Mohomed’s house No. 383 -from 6 to 12 a.m. and 3 to 5 p.m. all the abovementioned patients will be cure by -pronouncing some words and blowing upon water, spiting and amulet, by the grace of -the Almighty Creator.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">If anybody is suffering with weakness and privacy in eyes, they will be cure by the -medicine.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">If anybody wishes to take examination for the above mentioned questions, the -undersigned can answer for his any question very easily and several times the undersigned -was made contrast with great enchanter in Calcutta at Kalighat and in -Malbar, but by the grace of God Kaja saket the undersigned has been successful upon -them.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Some days ago the undersigned was in Calcutta, and he cure there lots of patients -by the grace of God, which was related by the Calcutta Newspapers, hoping several -gentlemen might be known by reading the Calcutta newspapers, and the late Governor -General Lord Ripon were very kind on the undersigned on account of above mentioned -abilities, and many times I had been visited with them in Calcutta and -Shamla, and surely nobody will return hopeless from the door of Khaja Mainudin -Chishti emporor of India by the grace of God.</p></div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankbefore">The following notice appended for the benefit of local English -residents to the announcement of a masked ball at Lorenço Marques, also -deserves a place among these specimens of the Humours of <span class="nowrap">Advertising—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="center blankbefore fsize90 highline1">A great Mascared Ball!<br /> -it will take place at Ultramarino Hotel in the 16th of instant<br /> -all the mascareds must be in respectible conditions<br /> -Mascareds witt religions or politic dresses are not allone<br /> -The tikets can be obtaine at Messrs. Rodrigues & Cunha and alco<br /> -in the same Evening at the Ultramarino Hotel<br /> -Price of the tikets 4/6. Free for the mascared ladies.<br /> -Let us go to the Ball.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page108">[108]</span></p> - -<div class="figleft w200"> -<img src="images/illo125a.jpg" alt="" width="175" height="169" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Locke on the -Human<br />Understanding.</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankabove">A glance at the business life of the far East shows -us that out there Western customs are steadily -gaining ground, although in that queer land of China -nothing appears to be new, for long, long ago they -advertised their shops with sign-boards inscribed after -this fashion—“Shop of Heaven-sent Luck,” “The -Shop of Celestial Principles,” “The Nine Felicities -Prolonged,” “Mutton Shop of Morning Twilight,” “The Ten Virtues -all Complete.” Here you have poetry and business combined, while -in “The Honest Pen Shop of Li,” you have a guarantee that your -pens will follow the best policy, although the shopman’s name is just a -wee bit suspicious. John Chinaman shows his love of contrariness surely -when he advertises a charcoal shop as the “Fountain of Beauty,” a -coal depôt as “Heavenly Embroidery,” or an oil and wine establishment -as the “Neighbourhood of Chief Beauty,” and we can easily imagine the -fiendish chuckle with which the proprietor of an opium divan advertised -his shop as “The Thrice Righteous.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<hr class="sec" /> - -<h3>THE JOURNALISTIC INSTINCT.</h3> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">“I have just been having a chat with young Jones. Smart young chap, -he seems, but very unlucky. He’s on the Press, I understand.”</p> - -<p>“Yes; he tries to squeeze a loan out of everybody he meets.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="scr"> - -<div class="split3367"> - -<div class="left"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo125b.jpg" alt="" width="127" height="125" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Burton on -Melancholy.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo125c.jpg" alt="" width="143" height="125" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Securing a friend -in the Press.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo125d.jpg" alt="" width="145" height="125" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Jonathan Wild.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split3367--> - -</div><!--scr--> - -<div class="hh"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo125b.jpg" alt="" width="127" height="125" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Burton on -Melancholy.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo125c.jpg" alt="" width="143" height="125" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Securing a friend -in the Press.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo125d.jpg" alt="" width="145" height="125" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Jonathan Wild.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--hh--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page109">[109]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<h3>APPROVED BY THE EDITOR</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo126.jpg" alt="W" title="W" width="200" height="124" /> -</div> - -<p class="fig126"><span class="hide">W</span>ishing to get from Chicago to Memphis, a young -newspaper man purchased a “mileage” book from -a “ticket scalper”—or illegal dealer in unfinished -mileage tickets. The book had been the property -of a reporter for the <i>Louisville Courier-Journal</i>, and the description -in the cover was alarmingly different from his own. The sharp-eyed -conductor immediately noticed this.</p> - -<p>“Are you on the <i>Courier-Journal</i>?” he asked suspiciously.</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes. I’ve been a reporter there for several years.”</p> - -<p>The conductor asked for some identification, which naturally the -passenger was unable to give.</p> - -<p>“I have it,” said the conductor, suddenly remembering. “It just -happens that Henry Watterson, Editor of the <i>Courier-Journal</i>, is on the -Pullman ahead. If you’re all right he ought to be able to identify -you.”</p> - -<p>At this the young man all but collapsed. However, there was nothing -to it but to take a chance. When they found Henry Watterson the -conductor handed out the mileage book, and, pointing to the young -man, asked if he was a reporter on the <i>Courier-Journal</i>.</p> - -<p>“Yes, indeed,” was the quick reply. “He is one of our best men. -How are you, Robert?”</p> - -<p>Breathing a prayer of thanks, the young man returned to his seat -and resumed his journey without further trouble. Next morning, in -the dining wagon, he saw his friend and timidly approached him.</p> - -<p>“Colonel Watterson,” he said fervently, “I can’t tell you how grateful -I am for what you did for me yesterday. I——”</p> - -<p>“Tut, tut. Don’t mention it,” returned his benefactor. “You -did every bit as much for me. I’m not Henry Watterson. I’m just -travelling on his pass.”</p> - -<p class="right padr2"><i>Everybody’s Magazine</i> (U.S.A.).</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page110">[110]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<h3 class="highline">RULES FOR NEWSPAPER CORRESPONDENTS</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo127.jpg" alt="S" title="S" width="175" height="271" /> -</div> - -<p class="noindent fig127"><span class="hide">S</span>upposing you wish to contribute to a public charity, -send your money to the Editor of a newspaper. -He must acknowledge the receipt of it, and so -you get your name and benevolence advertised -in the best part of the paper for nothing.</p> - -<p>2. Another good method, if you are fond of -appearing before the public, is to request the Editor -to state that “the Richard Jones who, in our police -report of yesterday, was sentenced to Bridewell -for shoplifting, is not the Mr. Richard Jones, the respected chiropædist -of Sackville Street.”</p> - -<p>3. If you are writing to a political newspaper, never mind about -writing on the two sides of the paper, as, depend upon it, it will be -a recommendation in your favour if the Editor sees you can write well on -<i>both sides</i>.</p> - -<p>4. You need not be particular about writing legibly, as it stands -to reason, if the Editor cannot read your letter, that you will be spared -the mortification of reading in the next day’s Notices to Correspondents, -that “Philo-Justitiæ is an ass.”</p> - -<p>5. It is usual in sending a statement, which impugns the character -of another person, to send your name and address with it; but, as in -matters of libel this is a very troublesome as well as a very expensive -plan, it is better to send anybody else’s card rather than your own. -By this means you avoid publicity, and have the double gratification -of annoying two persons at once.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page111">[111]</span></p> - -<p>6. Inserting your death one day, and contradicting it the next, is another -very cheap plan of advertising in a newspaper. Besides, you have -the advantage of learning in your lifetime what your friends think of -you after your death. This plan, however, will only answer once.</p> - -<p>7. It is better, perhaps, not to send any poetry to a newspaper. We -never recollect an instance of the <i>Times</i> inserting “A Sonnet to a Sow,” -or “Lines to my Mary.”</p> - -<p>8. Be careful of quotations, especially in a foreign language. If an -editor knows his own language well, it is as much as you have a right to -expect of him.</p> - -<p>9. Never send anything to a newspaper “to be continued,” unless it -is a legacy or a dozen of port.</p> - -<p>10. Never trouble yourself in calling to see the Editor of a newspaper. -It is a strange circumstance, but you might call a hundred times and -always find him “out.”</p> - -<p class="right padr2"><i>Punch</i>, 1844.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo128.jpg" alt="" width="350" height="294" /> -<p class="caption">A NEW READING.</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>Dedicated to the Publishers of Shilling Shakespeares.</i></p> -<p class="caption fsize80">“And when the fit was on him, I did mark——”—<i>Julius Cæsar</i>, Act i. Sc. i.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page112">[112]</span></p> - -<h3>LITERARY FLUNKEYISM</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo129.jpg" alt="" width="200" height="224" /> -</div> - -<p class="fig129"><span class="hide">W</span>e sink in our own estimation as we sit down to -write; we blush involuntarily, although we -are in the deepest solitude; we look at our -arm, in dread lest we should find a napkin -hanging on it, in true waiterish attitude; we -rush to the glass to ascertain whether our -neck is encompassed by the conventional -little white tie; and we have to look around -us. No wonder! For just look here! Did -audacity ever go so far? Was impertinence -ever so consummate?</p> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">A gentleman, disengaged after six p.m., requires evening employment, -in any capacity not menial. Good correspondent and accountant, -draughtsman and composer. Would undertake London correspondence -of a country paper, write critiques, etc. Terms moderate.—Address, W., -etc.</p> - -<p class="blankbefore">A “gentleman” who wants employment “in any capacity not -<i>menial</i>,” “would undertake London correspondence of a country paper, -write critiques,” etc. Obviously the advertiser considers literature -something a little above the work of a menial. We are, of course, obliged -for this admission. Nevertheless, we confess the above advertisement -has given us some doubts as to whether we shan’t find Jeames, with -his fine leg, on Grub-street pavement one of these days. We would -advise “W.” to go to a Dutchman, who advertises that he can supply -“literary hacks”; the literary livery stables are situated somewhere -up in Bloomsbury; and, no doubt, for a small sum he may be groomed -down any time after six, and, with the help of a farthing rushlight in a -dark lantern, find his way up Parnassus. We can tell him, however, -that it would be advisable to avoid the Temple of <span class="smcap">Fun</span>, as individuals -similarly constituted to himself have before now been severely kicked, -as a reward for their audacity, in that neighbourhood.</p> - -<p class="right padr2"><i>Fun</i>, 1863.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page113">[113]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">Studies from the Study</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl"><span class="smcap">Studies from the Study</span></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo130.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="538" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">First Student.</span> Just my luck! I wired to the governor to send -me £5 for some books.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Student.</span> He refused?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">First Student.</span> No, he’s sent the books.</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page114">[114]</span></p> - -<div class="split6733"> - -<div class="left"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo131.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="516" /> -</div> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="returnbox"> - -<p class="center">RETURNED—WITH -THANKS.</p> - -<p class="fsize80 blankabove">“If you please, -sir, master’s sent -back the first volume, -and he says, -will you be so good -as to let him ’ave -the second?”</p> - -</div><!--returnbox--> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split6733--> - -<h3 class="allclear highline">HUMOURS OF OUR LANGUAGE<br /> -<span class="fsize80">(<span class="smcap">Or</span>, MORE “POETS AT PLAY.”)</span></h3> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">The anomalies of English spelling and pronunciation have many a -time served our humorous writers with capital material for their -rhymes. The following is one of the cleverest of the kind referred <span class="nowrap">to:—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">As a farmer was going to plough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He met a man driving a cough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They had words which led to a rough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And the farmer was struck on his brough.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page115">[115]</span> -<span class="i0">One day when the weather was rough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">An old lady went out for some snough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which she thoughtlessly placed in her mough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And it got scattered all over her cough.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">While a baker was kneading his dough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A weight fell down on his tough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">When he suddenly exclaimed ough!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Because it had hurt him sough.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">There was a hole in a hedge to get through,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It was made by no one knew whough;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In getting through a boy lost his shough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And was quite at a loss what to dough.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A poor old man had a bad cough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To a doctor he straight went ough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The doctor did nothing but scough,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And said ’twas all fancy, his cough.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="hh"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo132e.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="483" /> -</div> - -</div><!--hh--> - -<div class="scr"> - -<div class="fig132"> - -<div class="fig132txt"> - -<p class="center highline2">A QUEER CUT.</p> - -<p>Well! Perhaps -Messrs. Quarto, -Canto, and Sons, -the well known -publishers, have -some right to complain -of the artist -who sent in this -as one of the illustrations -for their -forthcoming edition -of <i>Byron</i>. The artist -says it illustrates -the line:</p> - -<p class="hind01 blankbefore">“Whacks to receive, -and marble -to retain.”</p> - -<p class="hind01 blankbefore"><i>Beppo</i>, stanza xxxiv.</p> - -</div><!--f1g132txt--> - -</div><!--fig132--> - -</div><!--scr--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankabove">Alliteration has long been a favourite target for the arrows of -wits, though most of them are forced to acknowledge its “artful -aid.” It requires a very considerable command of the English language, -however, before a rhymester can concoct five quatrains in which every -word commences with the same letter. This is the diverting composition<span class="pagenum" id="Page116">[116]</span> -here referred to; it is supposed to be a serenade sung by Major Marmaduke -Muttonhead to Mademoiselle Madeline Mendoza <span class="nowrap">Marriott—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">My Madeline! My Madeline!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Mark my melodious midnight moans,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Much may my melting music mean,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My modulated monotones.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">My mandoline’s mild minstrelsy,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My mental music magazine,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My mouth, my mind, my memory,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Must mingling murmur “Madeline.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Mankind’s malevolence may make<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Much melancholy music mine;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Many my motives may mistake,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My modest meritings malign.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Match-making mothers machinate,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Manœuvring misses me misween;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mere money may make many mate,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My magic motto’s “Madeline.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Melt most mellifluous melody<br /></span> -<span class="i2">‘Midst Murcia’s misty mounts marine,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Meet me by moonlight—marry me,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Madonna mia—Madeline.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter" id="Fig116a"> -<img src="images/illo133a.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="274" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text116a">THE PURSUIT OF LETTERS.</a></p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" id="Fig116b"> -<img src="images/illo133b.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="260" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text116b">THE GRAND MARCH OF INTELLECT.</a></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page117">[117]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo134.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="368" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Librarian.</span> You asked to see the catalogue of the letter P, sir? -I’m sorry it’s not yet completed, sir, but I’ve brought you all there is, as -far as it goes.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Depend</span> upon it, the Catalogue of the British Museum is not a work for -one time, but for all ages!</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">The following is another and more varied example of alliteration -wilfully <span class="nowrap">overdone—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10">With a splitter, splatter, splutter<br /></span> -<span class="i10">And a gurgling in the gutter.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And a tinkle, tankle, tunkle on the shingle and the pane.<br /></span> -<span class="i10">With a misty, murky mizziness,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Settling down to steady business,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Comes the dreary, drowsy, drooling of the dripping, dropping rain.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10">With a sizzle, sozzle, suzzle,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Buttoned upward to the muzzle,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The weary waiting walker drags his rubbers from the mud:<br /></span> -<span class="i10">While the dizzy, dodging, dancing,<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Of the umber-ella prancing,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Drives a man to lurid longings for some other fellow’s blood.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i10">Oh, the breezy brooks may babble.<br /></span> -<span class="i10">And the gentle poet dabble<br /></span> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page118">[118]</span> -<span class="i0">In his veering vernal verses and fond memories they bring;<br /></span> -<span class="i10">But no earthly rhyme or reason<br /></span> -<span class="i10">Makes believe in such a season<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That this wishy-washy weather is a cloudy ghost of spring.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter" id="Fig118"> -<img src="images/illo135.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="411" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text118">THE AGE OF INTELLECT.</a></p> -</div> - -<p>These specimens may not be the best that can be quoted; I do not -suppose they are, and should indeed be audacious were I to submit them -as such. Addison’s assertion as to false wit will, no doubt, stand as firm -as ever in the minds of most people after reading these notes on “The -Poets at Play.” All that has been here attempted, and thus much perhaps -the indulgent reader will grant, has been to show that there may -be found in what the famous essayist would have us condemn as unworthy -many characteristics of wit, humour, and ingenuity; and not -only these, but examples of the patience and painstaking which are -near allied to “genius.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page119">[119]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo136.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE—IRRITABLE GENTLEMAN DISTURBED BY A BLUEBOTTLE.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page120">[120]</span></p> - -<h3>MORE HUMOURS OF ADVERTISING</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo137.jpg" alt="P" title="P" width="150" height="202" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="fig137"><span class="hide">P</span>erhaps the Americans are ahead of us in advertising; -but there is no little enterprise and good humour -displayed in that business on this side the Atlantic. -In the street of a northern town one day, the writer was -presented with a handbill which will bear comparison -with many such transatlantic compositions. It was -issued by a tea merchant, whom we will refer to as -“Smith.” In great black letters was the heading, “Ananias Redivivus,” -then came the pointed queries, “Had Ananias any descendants? If -so, what became of them? Did they emigrate to Scotland?” From -the contents of the bill I take the following, which, I should state, was -“displayed” in a most effective <span class="nowrap">manner—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">The judge says the resetter is as bad as the thief.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Smith says the foolish buyer is as bad as the lying advertiser.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">The judge says, no resetters, fewer thieves.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Smith says, no foolish buyers, no lying advertisers.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Why? Because, if there were no fools, it wouldn’t pay.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Thus the resetter is only responsible for some of the thieves; but the stupid, foolish -buyer is entirely responsible for all the lying advertisers; and by dealing with them -becomes a participator with them in their wickedness, which brought such disastrous -consequences upon Ananias.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">But the way to know them is this—Use all the common-sense you have been blessed -with, and when you read such an advertisement as—“Best tea the world produces, -1<i>s.</i> 7<i>d.</i> per lb.,” if you don’t say the advertiser is a common, bare-faced perverter of the -truth, a lineal descendant of Ananias, one with whom poor old Ananias would not -have had the ghost of a chance for boldness and audacity, then you have been blessed -with very little.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">But did it pay Ananias? Will it pay his descendants?</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Here is a text for our popular preachers. I have actually heard well-dressed, intelligent-looking -people praise such men as clever; as if it were clever to tell a lie, -a game at which the biggest rogue can beat the best gentleman.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Lately the Chinese objected to the government planting a certain kind of tree in -their streets. When asked the reason, they said it would spoil their business, as it -was one of their holy trees, and they could not tell a lie under its shade.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page121">[121]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo138.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption">AN AWFUL APPARITION!</p> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Mrs. T.</span> (<i>to T., who has -been reading the popular novel</i>). Pray, Mr. Tomkins, are you never coming upstairs?<br /> -How much longer are you going to sit up with that <i>Woman in White</i>?</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page122">[122]</span></p> - -<p class="fsize90">A few trees of this sort wanted in the streets of Glasgow.</p> - -<p class="fsize90">Now, although not under the shade of a holy tree, I speak the truth when I most -emphatically declare that my tea at 1<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> per lb. is better than that sold as the -“best tea the world produces, 1<i>s.</i> 7<i>d.</i> per lb.”</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">We have in the foregoing an instance of a disciple of the good George -Washington airing his Biblical knowledge, and in the same way -we find a Birmingham bootmaker parading his acquaintance with the -divine Shakespeare thus <span class="nowrap">wise—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“I pray you, sir, walk in.”—<i>Merry Wives of Windsor, ii. 5.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i0">“And I will boot thee.”—<i>Ant. and Cleo., i. 1.</i><br /></span> -<span class="i0">“We lay our service freely at your feet.”—<i>Hamlet, ii. 2.</i><br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p>Why does not some cobbler making use of the bard’s writings thus—“All -that I live by is with the awl. I meddle with no tradesman’s matters -nor women’s matters but with awl. I am, indeed, sir, surgeon to old -shoes; when they are in great danger I recover them.” [Trade journals -please copy.]</p> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">These shoemakers would appear to be quite a literary lot, for in a -certain east coast town of Scotland an enterprising member of the -craft enlisted the tuneful muses to extol his trade—or, mayhap, it was -some relative of the poet “Slum” who rolled his eye in a fine frenzy, and -produced these exquisite <span class="nowrap">lines—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Gae bring my auld topcoat, guidwife,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Gae bring it unco fast,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For I maun gang to Marshall’s shop<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Afore the nicht be past;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My feet are damp, my boots are dune,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">An’ sae I canna rest<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Till I’m awa’ to Marshall’s shop,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For Marshall’s boots are best.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">The English papers, like their American contemporaries, are rich in -amusing advertisements of the “wants” class. Here is one that -appeared in a newspaper published in a university town, which probably -accounted for the “scholarly” tone of the <span class="nowrap">notice—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore"><span class="smcap">Missing.</span>—A -black spaniel dog named “Blen,” whose owner’s address is—— It -is asserted by some that Honesty is the Best Policy, and that Virtue is its own Reward. -If the present possessor of the dog supports this view, his course is clear. In any -case, no greater reward will be offered.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page123">[123]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo140a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="432" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">HOW NO. 4 ENJOYED HIMSELF.</p> - -<img src="images/illo140b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="335" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">HOW NO. 7 SUFFERED IN CONSEQUENCE.</p> - -<p class="caption">THE MUSICAL NEIGHBOUR.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page124">[124]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo141.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="316" /> -<p class="caption">GENTLEMAN, WISHING TO REFER TO THE CATALOGUE OF THE BRITISH MUSEUM, IS SHOWN A VERY SMALL PORTION -OF THAT WORK.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page125">[125]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo142.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="411" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Professor.</span> -Of course you will be prepared with your analytical papers?</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Undergraduate.</span> Anna Lettical? I don’t know her, sir; but I know a -capital song about Annie Laurie, if you’d like to hear that!</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>The gentleman who inserted the following in a London daily, and -desired replies to be sent to “Disgusted,” had apparently experienced the -joys of life in <span class="nowrap">lodgings—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore"><span class="smcap">Required</span>, in the West End, for a permanency, sitting and two large bedrooms, -nicely furnished. Do not reply if related to the nobility, unaccustomed to -receive, or animated by any other reason than a desire to secure the amount paid -for apartments, etc. Marketing done personally. Careless or unskilled preparation, -waste, or mysterious disappearance of the things provided not tolerated. So-called -musical evenings, cheerful family, tennis lawns, imitation gardens, select society, -etc., regarded with indifference. Hypocrisy and snobbishness disliked. Preferred -and insisted upon instead—good cooking, prompt attendance, scrupulous neatness, -and a plentiful supply of clean house linen. A written agreement to be made and -mutually complied with. State inclusive terms and full particulars. N.B.—Inclusive -terms means “no extras.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page126">[126]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">A London weekly once gave insertion to the appended notice, -evidently the work of a wag, and intended as a skit upon a -rather romantic episode which transpired about the time, when a lady -played kidnapper, and a member of the sterner sex figured as the -<span class="nowrap">kidnapped—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore"><span class="smcap">Matrimony.</span>—Wanted, a rich American or English lady to kidnap advertiser, -who is of fine physique and well developed, in fact, a Samson, who would not mind a -trip with comfortable quarters on board a yacht during the honeymoon, especially if -the lady is amiable. Genuine.</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankbefore">This recalls an advertisement from an otherwise-minded young man. -It appeared in an American <span class="nowrap">paper—</span></p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore"><span class="smcap">A young</span> gentleman on the point of getting married is desirous of meeting a man -of experience who will dissuade him from such a step.</p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="blankbefore">Probably some one referred this cautious youth to <i>Punch</i>, of a -certain date, where the proper advice was given.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo143.jpg" alt="" width="150" height="289" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemcenter"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN.</h3> - -<p class="center highline2"><i>Ballad for Music.</i></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span> met him in the festive scene,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Where hearts and eyes were bright;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I met him—ah, we ne’er had been<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Acquainted till that night.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I met him once again: ’twas where<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The warbling queens of song<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With liquid music filled the air,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And hushed the listening throng.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Next day he came to make a call<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I’d lodgings then at <span class="nowrap">Brown’s—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">He stayed an hour, that was not all,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He borrowed two half-crowns.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">This world is but a wilderness,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of grief and tears and <span class="nowrap">pain—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">I travel onward—but you’ll guess,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He never called again.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Fun</i>, 1866.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page127">[127]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo144.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Miss Frump</span> -(<i>author of the “Ghoul-haunted Grange,” etc., etc., etc.</i>). Can your little boy read?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Mamma</span> (<i>modestly</i>). Not very well, as yet.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Little Boy</span> (<i>pertly</i>). I can read better than <i>you</i>, mamma.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Mamma.</span> What <i>do</i> you mean, child?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Little Boy.</span> Why, -<i>you</i> said you couldn’t read Miss Frump’s new book! -<span class="righttext">[<i>Awkward silence.</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page128">[128]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>A DANGEROUS WRITER</h3> - -<div class="figleft fig145"> -<img src="images/illo145.jpg" alt="Y" title="Y" width="150" height="151" /> -</div> - -<div class="stanza fig145"> -<span class="i00"><span class="hide">Y</span>oung Jonathan’s a pet of mine<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For poetry and prose;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I think his books are jolly fine<br /></span> -<span class="i2">(As literature goes).<br /></span> -<span class="i0">One Yankee, though, I <i>cannot</i> read;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He makes me shudder so.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">He’s very dangerous indeed,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Is Edgar Allen Poe.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I dearly love the simple style<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of Irving at his best,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And think that Hawthorne is a mile<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In height above the rest.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I keep upon my shelves the works<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of Wendell Holmes; but, oh!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">What fearful fascination lurks<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In Edgar Allen Poe.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">We learn from Henry Wadsworth L.<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That life is not a dream,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In lines that read extremely well,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">But “are not what they seem.”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve studied Henry Wadsworth hard,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">From lots of years ago,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And found in <i>him</i> a safer bard<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Than Edgar Allen Poe.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He draws you like a rattlesnake,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Does Mr. E. A. P.,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">His tales have kept me wide awake<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Till two o’clock and three.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Those stories have a deeper charm<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Than any ones I <span class="nowrap">know—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">But, bless you! there’s a heap of harm<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In Edgar Allen Poe.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">His narrative about a cat<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Will make your blood run cold,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">So fearful a romance as that<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Has never yet been told.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The Pit and Pendulum will send<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A thrill from top to toe.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Pure horror seems the aim and end<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of Edgar Allen Poe.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve dreamt of Ravens and of <span class="nowrap">Bells—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of undiscovered <span class="nowrap">crimes—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of haunted glens and ghostly dells,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">At least a dozen times.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And often on a winter night,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My courage ran so low<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I dare not sleep without a <span class="nowrap">light—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Through Edgar Allen Poe.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Fun</i>, 1867.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page129">[129]</span></p> - -<h3 class="highline">THE PHILOSOPHER’S REVENGE<br /> -<span class="fsize80">A STORY WITHOUT WORDS</span><br /> -<span class="fsize60">IN SIXTEEN CHAPTERS.</span></h3> - -<p class="center highline1">(<i>The right of translation is reserved.</i>)</p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo146a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="283" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER I.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo146b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="283" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER II.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page130">[130]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo147a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="279" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER III.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo147b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="285" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER IV.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page131">[131]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo148a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="285" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER V.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo148b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="291" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER VI.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page132">[132]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo149a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="273" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER VII.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo149b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="285" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER VIII.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page133">[133]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo150a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="284" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER IX.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo150b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="291" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER X.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page134">[134]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo151a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="297" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER XI.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo151b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="281" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER XII.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page135">[135]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo152a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="292" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER XIII.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo152b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="292" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER XIV.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page136">[136]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo153a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="277" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER XV.</p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo153b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="285" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHAPTER XVI. (THE END.)</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page137">[137]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">FUN IN THE STUDIO</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="fig154"><span class="padl1 padr1 br bb">FUN IN THE STUDIO</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bb"> -<img src="images/illo154.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="526" /> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl2 padr2"><span class="smcap padl2">Irish -Model.</span> Would ye moind telling me, sorr, who was the greatest -arrrtist iver been—av course, prisent company always excepted!</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page138">[138]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo155.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="491" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist</span> -(<i>to country model</i>). You’d better “rest” a bit. Sitting still -seems very tiring to you.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Model</span> -(<i>mindful of instructions of local photographer’s</i>). It ain’t the -sitting still, mister. It’s the ’olding me breath!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap">According to a most unlikely story, the late Phil May was once on -his uppers in a small town in Australia. To stave off starvation he -sought and found employment as a waiter in a fourth-class eating house. -One day a man who had known the artist in London dropped in and took -a seat at one of the tables. When May went to take his order mutual recognition -followed.</p> - -<p>“Phil May!” the visitor exclaimed. “And compelled to work in a -hole like this!”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” retorted the artist indignantly. “I’ve sunk pretty low, but -I haven’t yet got so far down that I have to eat here.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page139">[139]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo156.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="594" /> -<p class="caption">WHOLESALE!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Patron</span> -(<i>yawning</i>). Augh, well, these sort of things are all much the -same to me. I’ll take a lot by weight—mounts and all. How much a -pound for this lot?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page140">[140]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo157.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="397" /> -<p class="caption">“QUALIFICATIONS.”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Painter</span> (<i>who -has always been ambitious of “writing himself down an R.A.”</i>). Think they might have elected me, -having exhibited and had my name down all these years! I might <span class="nowrap">have——</span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Friend</span> -(<i>man o’ the world</i>). My dear fellow, I’ve always told you, you don’t go the right way to work. You see -they <i>could</i> only elect you for your painting, for—why do you wear such thick boots?!!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page141">[141]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo158.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">BEHIND THE SCENES.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist.</span> Hullo, -Jakes! How’s this? I’ve been trying to do without you—I thought you said you couldn’t -come this morning?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Model.</span> -So I did, sir! I was engaged to Mr. Macmough, to sit for the legs in the Dook of Hipswich’s portrait.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist.</span> Well?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Model.</span> -Well, sir, whiles I were a-sitt’n, the Dook he come in quite hunexpected like; an’ when he see me, -he says he’d a deal sooner sit for his legs hisself. So <i>I</i> come on straight here!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page142">[142]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo159.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="540" /> -<p class="caption">“ASKING FOR IT.”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Ferocious Dealer.</span> Now, if any man will tell me that that’s a copy, -I’ll—I’ll knock him down!—What’s your candid opinion?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page143">[143]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo160.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="541" /> -<p class="caption">THE COMMERCIAL SIDE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Painter.</span> You don’t mean to say you want me to sign it, when I -tell you I did not paint it? And a beastly copy it is, too!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Picture-Dealer.</span> Vy not, goot sir? vy not? Tut! tut! tut! I -only vish you artis’s vos men of bis’ness!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page144">[144]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo161.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="555" /> -<p class="caption">GADDY’S ACADEMY PICTURE ON VIEW.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Art Critic.</span> You see you’ve got the duke seated and the duchess standing up. -Now couldn’t you make the duchess sitting down and the duke standing up?</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">[<i>But Gaddy fears the council will not put off the exhibition for a couple of months -to enable him to take advantage of his friend’s valuable suggestion.</i></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page145">[145]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo162.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="577" /> -<p class="caption">“FLATTERING.”</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Cook.</span> Laukadaisy me, Miss Mary, if it ain’t a’most like wax-work, I dew declare!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page146">[146]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo163.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="393" /> -<p class="caption">PROFESSION AND PRACTICE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Painter.</span> Wouldn’t care to be a painter, eh?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Model.</span> -Dear, no, sir! Rather be a doctor—their work ain’t so criticised, and it don’t much matter whether -it’s kill or cure.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page147">[147]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo164.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="395" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Rapid Genius.</span> -’Ow do I manage it? Why, fust of all I takes the brown and does all the cats and the rinds of -the cheeses—then I takes the yaller and goes over the cheeses, and puts in eyes and stripes to the cats. With a brush -o’ black I puts in the bottles and the mice; finishes up with a dab o’ white on the bottles and in the mice’s heyes—and -there you are!</p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page148">[148]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo165.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="560" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Critic.</span> De bicture you haff bainted is most peautiful; der is only von vordt in the -English langweege vot describes eet, and I haf vorgotten eet.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page149">[149]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo166.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="596" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Jones</span> -(<i>to Brown, who has been to a ball at Robinson’s</i>). Many women there?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Brown.</span> No; only their mothers.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page150">[150]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo167.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /> -<p class="caption">FOR EXHIBITION?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Painter.</span> -Oh! they won’t hang it, I know—’tis of no use sending it.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Wife.</span> Well, -Michael, if you keep it here they won’t hang it, we know—send it and try: they hang bad pictures -sometimes. <span class="righttext">[<i>Michael is encouraged.</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page151">[151]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo168.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="396" /> -<p class="caption">PRETTY INNOCENT.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Lady.</span> -Oh, Mr. Mastic, why do artists have screens about their studios?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist.</span> To back up the figures, and so on.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Lady.</span> -Oh, really! Well, I thought it was to keep the bedstead and all that out of sight, you know.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page152">[152]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo169.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="387" /> -<p class="caption">“AYE, THERE’S THE RUB!”</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Irascible -Patron</span> (<i>who has wiped out a good deal of Funkie’s great work</i>). Confound your nasty picture, sir! -See what it has done! The canvas is reeking with paint, sir—positively reeking! It’s disgraceful! -<span class="righttext">[<i>Exit in a whirlwind.</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page153">[153]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo170.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="394" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Artist</span> -(<i>to his hypochondriacal friend with an independence</i>). Ah! my dear fellow, if you had to work hard and get -your own living as we have, you’d have no dyspepsia, I’ll be bound; good-bye.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page154">[154]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo171.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="358" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption">THE MARCH OF SCIENCE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist</span> (<i>as a hint to his friend</i>). Bless me! Five -o’clock! I had no idea it was so late. How quickly -time does fly now!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Yankee.</span> Which I calc’late it’s all owin’ to the vast -improvements effected in clocks by our great country.</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption">THE REAL.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Mary Jane</span> <i>in reply to</i> <span class="smcap">Olivia</span>.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="padl2">“The</span> same romantic creature as ever! His name -is not Algernon, but plain Robert; and he’s not an -Apelles, but a hard-working fellow, with enough of -genius to make me proud of him. As to his model—etc., -etc. <span class="righttext">[<i>For “The Ideal,” see <a href="#Page156">p. 156</a>.</i></span></p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page155">[155]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo172.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="359" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">PLEASURES OF THE STUDIO.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="padl2">At</span> the beginning of April, when every moment is -of consequence, Mr. Flake White’s model for Hamlet -appears with a black eye, which he declares is the effect -of influenza.</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption">A HAPPY MEDIUM.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Dealer.</span> Ah! there’s good transparency there. -What do you mix your colour with?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist.</span> Brains.</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page156">[156]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo173.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="543" /> -<p class="caption">THE IDEAL.</p> - -<p class="caption highline1 fsize80"><i>From</i> <span class="smcap">Olivia</span> <i>to</i> <span class="smcap">Mary Jane</span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80">“And so, <i>dearest</i>, you have married <i>an artist!</i> How like you, who was always -such an admirer of the <i>beautiful</i>. * * * I can see you ‘<i>in my mind’s eye</i>’; your -Algernon (his name <i>is</i> Algernon, is it not, dearest?) seated like <i>another</i> Apelles -at his easel, whilst you, his own Cantaspe, make the most graceful of models. You -<span class="nowrap">remember——</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza fsize80"> -<span class="i0">“Apelles, when Cantaspe’s form he drew,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bade her remove the look of love she wore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Lest others should adore,” etc., etc.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p class="caption right fsize80 up1">[<i>For “The Real,” see <a href="#Page154">page 154</a>.</i></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page157">[157]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo174.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="374" /> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist.</span> My big picture? I haven’t painted in the two principal -figures yet; because I can’t find anybody pretty enough to sit for them. -Ah! Miss <i>Mary</i>, if I could only induce <i>you</i> just <span class="nowrap">to——</span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Miss -Bridget.</span> Oh! my <i>dear</i> Mr. M’Gilp, we should <i>both</i> be only too -delighted! When shall we come to your studio? How shall we dress? -and what style of coiffure? -<span class="righttext">[<i>Now, what</i> is <i>a fellow to say in such a fix as this?</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap blankabove">James McNeill Whistler and a friend, strolling through a London -suburb, met a small boy. Whistler asked him his age.</p> - -<p>“Seven,” the boy replied.</p> - -<p>“Oh, you must be more than seven,” said Whistler doubtingly.</p> - -<p>“Seven,” insisted the boy, rather pleased at being taken for older.</p> - -<p>Turning to his friend, Whistler said, “Do you think it possible that he -really could have got as dirty as that in only seven years?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page158">[158]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo175.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="401" /> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Answers for -our Artist.</span>—“Biddy Maloney, just you look at that clock! Didn’t I tell you last night to knock -at my door at eight this morning?”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">“An’</span> so ye did, -sir, and I came to the door at eight sure enough, but I heard ye was making no noise at all!”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">“Well,</span> why the dickens didn’t you knock, and wake me?”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">“Sure,</span> and because I feared yez might be fast asleep!”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page159">[159]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo176.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="396" /> -<p class="caption">THE MOTHER OF INVENTION.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">Mrs. Fred doesn’t care how long she sits for her “dear Fred,” so long as her “darling Freddy” is in some safe -place where he can’t get into mischief.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page160">[160]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo177.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="352" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">KINDLY MEANT.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Chrome</span> (<i>to friend</i>). Well, and how do I get on with -the doublet? Is it more like leather?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Conscientious Friend.</span> Why, no; I can’t say it -is—but (<i>apologetically</i>) you’ve got the face very like -leather.</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Painter</span> (<i>aghast</i>).—Good heavens, man! Where’s -your beard? What have you done to your face?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Model.</span> Me, sir? Naethin, but just made my -whiskers a wee thing decent wi’ the shears.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Painter.</span> Then you’re an utterly ruined man, sir! -and I’m very sorry for you. You’re not worth twopence. -Good-morning.</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page161">[161]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo178.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="387" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">How some of the old painters <i>must</i> -have worked to get through anything like the number of “original” pictures -attributed to them.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page162">[162]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo179.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="388" /> -<p class="caption">STUDIO PERSUASION.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><i><span class="padl2">Our</span> friend Jack -McGilp to excited partner, who has just the head for his picture of “A Husband’s Revenge.”</i>—So -she won’t stand any longer, won’t she? Of course she won’t. <i>I’ll get a model.</i> -<span class="righttext">[<i>The effect is magical.</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page163">[163]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo180.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="401" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Cook.</span> Lawks, miss, -it’s beautiful; but I’d no idea your pa was a portrait painter!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page164">[164]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo181.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption">A MODEL HUSBAND AND A LAY FIGURE.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">What Miss Grundy saw in her brother-in-law’s studio.</p> - -<p class="fsize80"><i>What Miss Grundy said about it to her -sister.</i>—“Perfectly disgraceful—and to crown it all she was bald!”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page165">[165]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo182.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="387" /> -<p class="caption">MARVELLOUS!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Young Lady.</span> Ah! -really, Mr. Splurge, I can’t think how you manage to paint with such taste.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Mr. S.</span> Simply by holding my palate in my hand, I assure you.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page166">[166]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo183.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /> - -<p class="caption">A VISIT TO THE STUDIO.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap">Mr. Ochre</span> (<i>through whose -frame a thrill of horror is supposed to be passing</i>). Ugh! mind what you’re about, -Charley. Mind my Ophelia; mind my Ophelia! You’ll knock her over, and spoil all her folds!</p> - -</div><!--figenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page167">[167]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo184.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="399" /> -<p class="caption">SCENE IN A STUDIO.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Jack</span> Armstrong has -painted a modern subject, from real life, and painted it uncommonly well.—Strange to say, -he has sold his picture.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Messrs.</span> Feeble and -Potter (<i>very high-art men, who can’t get on without mediæval costume, and all the rest of it</i>) think -it a mistake.—Curiously enough, <i>their</i> pictures are unsold.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page168">[168]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo185.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Ballet of action with which Sparkles (who says he is so hard at work at his picture), and his friend and model, -Jack Bounce, refresh themselves in the intervals of labour.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page169">[169]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo186.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="384" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">TURPS <i>v.</i> TURPITUDE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="padl2">The</span> above represents a slight mistake made by -Scumble’s new charwoman, who, being “partial to -her drops,” thought she had a chance.</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption">ONE USE FOR “DUNDREARYS.” (1863.)</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="padl2">Fitzdab</span> (<i>who does the Dundreary sort of thing</i>) having -brought his whiskers to a pitch of perfection seldom -equalled, gives the finishing touches to Dolly Jenkins’s -portrait with the tips.</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page170">[170]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo187.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /> - -<p class="caption">ACCOMMODATING!</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Stern Parent.</span> Too fat for a page, -you think, sir? Um! You see, sir, if so be you could wait a week or so, -we could redooce him wery easy.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page171">[171]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo188.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Cotton Lord</span> (<i>“coming” -the noble patron</i>). Haw—I was indooced to buy a little picture of yours, the other day, -Stodge, <span class="nowrap">haw——</span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist</span> (<i>who does not seem to see it</i>). Lucky fellow!!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page172">[172]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo189.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption">“NOBLESSE OBLIGE!”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Stodge</span> (<i>in answer to the reproachful -look of his cabman</i>). Well, it’s your right fare; you know that as well as I do!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Cabby.</span> Oh! which -I’m well aware o’ that, sir! But—(“<i>more in sorrow than in anger</i>”)—an’ you a artis’, sir!! -<span class="righttext">[<i>Gets another shilling!</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page173">[173]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo190.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="393" /> -<p class="caption">OUR ART-SCHOOL CONVERSAZIONE.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">At which (in consequence of the increased space -anticipated at the R.A. exhibition) there is a greater crowd than usual.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Model</span> (<i>who -has charge of the hats and coats</i>). No. 97? Yessir. There now! If I didn’t see that ’at—ah—not a -quarter of an hour ago!! -<span class="righttext">[<i>Not a very satisfactory look-out for Bouncefield,<br /><span class="padl1">who</span> -has barely time to catch his last train!</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page174">[174]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo191.jpg" alt="" width="388" height="600" /> -<p class="caption">OUR ARTIST THINKS OF PAINTING A PICTURE FROM -MACAULAY’S “IVRY,”</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">AND DECLAIMS THE POEM TO A PROSAIC PARTY.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Our Artist</span> (<i>ore rot.</i>). “<span -class="padr3">*</span><span class="padl3 padr3">*</span><span class="padl3 padr3">*</span><span -class="padl3 padr3">*</span><span class="padl3">*</span><br /> -<span class="padl6">Charge by the golden lilies! upon them with the lance!<br /></span> -<span class="padl6">A thousand spurs are striking deep, a thousand spears in rest,<br /></span> -<span class="padl6">A thousand knights are pressing close behind——”<br /></span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Prosaic Party</span> (<i>interrupting</i>). Hullo!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Our Artist.</span> Eh?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Prosaic Party.</span> Why, hang it, that’s only one spur a-piece!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page175">[175]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo192.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="473" /> -<p class="caption">“SHARP’S THE WORD.”</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>Enter Lord Blasonby (hastily) to sit for his portrait in Stodge’s picture of the -Chalkshire hunt.</i></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Stodge.</span> I understood you to say you would come yesterday, my -lord; and I am engaged this morning. Lady Flouncer is coming at one -o’clock.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">My Lord.</span> Haw! just in time, then. Cut away. You’ve got a good -ten minutes. Wants a quarter to one, now!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap blankabove">“I ordered you to paint me some cows in a stable. I see the stable, -but where are the cows?”</p> - -<p>“They are in the stable.”</p> - -<p>“So is your pay for this picture. You had better bring both out.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page176">[176]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo193a.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="372" /> -<p class="caption">THE SYMPATHIES OF ART.</p> - -<p class="caption just"><span class="smcap padl2">Tailor</span> (<i>to artist customer</i>). -Looky ’ere, sir,—I’ll put it to you! you’re -a drawer yourself, and if you knew the years I’ve been studyin’ the ’uman -figger—you wouldn’t tell me that coat don’t fit!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo193b.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="239" /> -<p class="caption">UNDER A GREAT MASTER.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page177">[177]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo194.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="599" /> -<p class="caption">FAST COLOURS.</p> - -<p class="caption just"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist</span> (<span class="smcap">reading note from obliged -friend</span>). Um,—um,—much obliged to -you for the loan of your Bedouin’s -dress—(um,—um,)—will return it in a -day or two, as I’ve, (ah! what!) sent -it—to—the <span class="smcap">WASH</span>!!</p> - -<p class="caption right">[<i>The artist’s feelings (for colour -especially) may be easier imagined -than described.</i></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page178">[178]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600" id="Fig178"> -<img src="images/illo195.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="503" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><a href="#Text178">NOBODY DESIRES THE PAINTER TO MAKE HIM AS UGLY AND AS RIDICULOUS AS POSSIBLE.</a></p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">(In this engraving by George Cruikshank the figure of the artist is a portrait of -Cruikshank himself.)</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">“What colour of hair do you prefer, Mr. Baldwon, black or blonde?”</p> - -<p>“I would not care what colour it was, if I only had some!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Your last book, madame, had a colossal success.”</p> - -<p>“I should say so! Every one of my three divorced husbands wanted -to re-marry me!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A great man was complaining of all the charities to which he was forced -to contribute.</p> - -<p>“I give without counting,” he groaned.</p> - -<p>“Yes, but not without recounting,” replied a friend.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page179">[179]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo196.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="542" /> -<p class="caption">PERFECT SINCERITY; OR, THINKINGS ALOUD.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist No. 1.</span> -There, Master Oker, I flatter myself that will take the shine -out of your precious production, although you do think nobody can paint but yourself.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist No. 2.</span> Hey! dear, dear, dear! That’s very bad. By jove, my boy, -it’s a dreadful falling-off from last year. If I were you, I should think twice before -I sent it in.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist No. 1.</span> Mere envy—illiberal humbug.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore"><span class="smcap">Professor.</span> I came in accordance with an invitation I received to -examine your collection of curiosities.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Parvenu</span> (<i>just returned from long voyage</i>). Certainly, professor, walk -right in. Allow me to first introduce to you my wife and daughters.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page180">[180]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo197.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="437" /> -<p class="caption">EASILY SATISFIED.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Fond Parent.</span> I don’t care, Mr. Medium, about it’s being highly finished; but -I should like the dear child’s expression preserved.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap"><span class="smcap">First author.</span> “Well, what do you think of the book of our colleague -Tintinger?”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Second Author.</span> “Oh, what a shameless bidder for notoriety!”</p> - -<p>“What! How so?”</p> - -<p>“Did you not read the dedication, ‘To my mother-in-law, with sincere -esteem’?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">First Artist.</span> Well, are you satisfied with the appreciation that marine -view of yours has received?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Second Artist.</span> Delighted. Two women just stopped in front of it -and one said to the other, “It just makes me seasick to look at it.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page181">[181]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo198.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="486" /> -<p class="caption">THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Frame-Maker</span> -(<i>who comes to measure Stodge’s academy pictures</i>). Now, I think -it’s a pity you don’t let me have some o’ these for my winder, since you have no -idea of the amount of rubbish I can get rid of at times.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap blankbefore">There has been much discussion as to the assistance that photography -might render judicial authorities in enabling the arrest of criminals.</p> - -<p>Yet this is what recently occurred in France. Six photographs in -different poses of the same criminal who had escaped from prison were -sent out to all the communes of France. From the mayor of one of -these districts the following letter was received:</p> - -<p>“Five of the criminals whose photographs you sent have already been -arrested; we are on the track of the sixth.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page182">[182]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo199.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="580" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">AS SCUMMLES’S PICTURES ARE INVARIABLY “SKYED” AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY, -HE HAS GIVEN UP HIGH FINISH, AND ADAPTS HIS STYLE TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES!</p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page183">[183]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">ROUND THE GALLERIES</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">ROUND THE GALLERIES</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo200.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="474" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1 padr1"><span class="padl2">CAUTION.—(To</span> -the two young ladies in pink bonnets who expressed -such enthusiasm about Mr. B. Stubbs’s pictures, and would so like to see -that “dear Mr. Stubbs.”) The tall young man who on overhearing -the above praise, wetted his pocket-handkerchief, and removed an imaginary -speck of dust from Mr. S.’s picture, thereby trying to convey the -impression that he was the fortunate man who had painted it, is some -impudent impostor, and never touched a canvas before in his life. Mr. -B. Stubbs is a good-looking, <i>short</i> man, with wideawake, auburn beard -and spectacles.</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page184">[184]</span></p> - -<h3 class="highline">PAINTERS AND GAZERS<br /> -<span class="fsize80">A SKETCH AT THE ROYAL ACADEMY</span></h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo201.jpg" alt="ornament" width="200" height="218" /> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">I had hopes—I know that they have proved to -be unfounded, but I cannot admit that they -were unreasonable!—I <i>had</i> hopes that I should have -been able to avail myself of the privilege of free admission -conceded to exhibitors. Unfortunately, I do not -exhibit!</p> - -<p>I sent three pictures! 1 (a pre-Raphaelite bit of nature), “Docks -and Marsh Mallows”; 2 (an attempt to depict a really unhackneyed -historical situation), “Charles the Second in the Oak”; 3 (a genre -painting), “The New Crinoline.”</p> - -<p>If it were becoming (which it is not) I could say a good deal about -these works; but I forbear to do so. <i>They were all three rejected by -the Hanging Committee.</i></p> - -<p>I have accordingly paid my shilling, and I mean to take it out in -criticism. The Academicians have exercised <i>their</i> rights; I shall use -mine. There will be plenty of hacks to fawn upon the imbecile canvas-spoilers, -the miserable, crass, cringing, dull, feeble, superannuated, impotent, -and abject Forty. Of those hacks I decline to be one. Honest -truth (uninfluenced by passion) is what the wretched dotards shall hear -from <i>me</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page185">[185]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo202.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="401" /> -</div> - -<p>I saw men prowling about (there was Mr. Thackeray, for instance, -as large as life, and a host of other “successful” men—<i>I</i> hate success!) -who had evidently made up their minds to be pleased with this, the -most disreputable Exhibition that ever degraded British Art. Let them. -Thoughts is free, as Mrs. Brown said at the play; <i>and so are mine</i>. It -is all very well to get a set of literary time-servers to hob and nob with -Academicians at the annual orgie which disgraces Trafalgar-square, and -on which hundreds of pounds are spent that ought to be devoted to the -development of talent such as that of—well, of some I <i>could</i> name; but -<i>I</i> was never invited to the so-called banquet. Banquet, indeed! I -would rather maintain my honest independence, though I had nothing -to eat but a polony—and this is sometimes the case! Look at young -Mr. Marcus Stone. I’ll be bound to say <i>he</i> never eats polonies—and<span class="pagenum" id="Page186">[186]</span> -yet all London is talking of his “Napoleon,” whilst my “New Crinoline” -has not yet met even with a dealer!</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo203.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="421" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">AN ARTIST’S DREAM, AFTER SENDING IN HIS PICTURES WET TO THE -ROYAL ACADEMY.</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>Look at Mr. Ruskin. What did they do to <i>him</i>? Why, they asked -him to dinner! What was the result?</p> - -<p>His Critical Notes have never appeared since!! Not that it matters -much.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page187">[187]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo204.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="598" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">The advantage of the practice of “athletic exercises” by young painters, -as recommended by a great critic.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page188">[188]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo205.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="542" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">The</span> proprietors of the Royal Academy don’t see why they should be -troubled with so many works by other fellows. Oh dear, no! Let them -exhibit their pictures outside!</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>Exhibition, indeed! Why, you can’t see anything—not that there -is much to see—for the crowd of gaping women that block up the hideous -and uncomfortable rooms with their preposterous crinoline—and yet -the Academicians rejected <i>mine</i>! Then, the “swells”—a set of lounging -insipid imbeciles, drawling out their vapid Dundrearyisms—and the -old fogies, wagging their stupid old heads—I should like to knock a few -of them together!—and the smug, smiling fellows whose pictures have -been accepted—and the “Art-Critics,” who pretend to see power in a -man like Millais, and poetry in a man like Hook, and humour in a man -like Marks, but who are far too high and mighty, I promise you, to -come<span class="pagenum" id="Page189"><a id="Page190">[190]</a></span> -up four pair of stairs and see my “Marsh Mallows,”—and if they did, -they couldn’t appreciate them! There, I’m tired of the whole concern—pictures -and painters and visitors and all—and Mrs. Edwards -is bothering me for the rent—and, unless you print this, to show up the -impostors, and send the money by return, I shall have to paint sign-boards. -David Cox painted one—and I dare say did it badly—for I -never thought much of <i>him</i>! Or any other man!</p> - -<p class="right padr2"><i>Fun</i>, 1863.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter" id="Fig190a"> -<img src="images/illo206.jpg" alt="" width="471" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text190a">PLEASURES OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.</a></p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo207.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="471" /> -<p class="caption">ART IN THE NATIONAL GALLERY.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Enid</span> (<i>with catalogue</i>). Aren’t they splendid?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Eileen</span> -(<i>using picture as mirror</i>). Yes, I <i>must</i> say I like these dark Rembrandts.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page191">[191]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo208.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="598" /> -<p class="caption">OUTSIDE THE ROYAL ACADEMY.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">“You were a silly ass to talk of Botticelli in that way just now. Why, it’s not a -wine, it’s a cheese!”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page192">[192]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo209.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="483" /> -<p class="caption">THE CHARMING FASHION OF LONG SKIRTS (1862).</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">Honestly, now—which of the two ought to apologize to the other?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap"><span class="smcap">Poet.</span> What do you think of this little poem of mine, “She Would -Not Smile.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Editor.</span> I think if you had read the poem to her she would have smiled.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">Professor</span> (<i>turning angrily to class</i>). This is intolerable! Every time -I speak an imbecile talks.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">Boarder</span> (<i>to landlady</i>). Did you hear me come home last night?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Landlady.</span> Did I? I heard you coming home for several hours!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page193">[193]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo210.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">“UNTO THIS LAST.”</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Provincial</span> (<i>at the Leeds -Exhibition</i>). I’ve heeard as the paint on some o’ these yere “picters” comes to a -matter o’ fi’ pounds sometimes, let alone the man’s time a layin’ of it on, yer know!!!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page194">[194]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo211.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="468" /> -<p class="caption">“VERY LIKE—VERY LIKE.”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Mr.</span> B. A. Boone having given Smudger, R.H.A., leave to exhibit his -portrait, is intensely delighted to find there is a slight mistake in the -catalogue, and that the description really belonging to No. 82—“B. A. -Boone, Esq., F.Z.S., etc.”—has been transferred to No. 28.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap"><span class="smcap">Eisenstein.</span> Hello, old man, what makes you look so worried?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Rosenstein.</span> The doctor ordered me to take a bath!</p> - -<p><i>Eisenstein.</i> Cheer up, old man! You can try this new dry cleaning -process.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“See what a beautiful set of teeth the baroness has!”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Miss N. V.</span> “Yes, it looks as if she had swallowed a piano, all but the -keyboard.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charming Young Woman</span> (<i>to artist</i>). But a hundred pounds seems to -me too much for my portrait. I find it so easy to paint myself!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“You say your manager threw an inkstand at you?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, he did, but I must say for him that he threw the blotting pad -after it.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page195">[195]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo212.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="397" /> -<p class="caption">THE UMBRELLA QUESTION:<br /> -<span class="fsize80">Or, what it would have come to, if some people had had their way.</span></p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page196">[196]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo213.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="492" /> -<p class="caption">PICTURES OF THE ENGLISH, PAINTED BY THE FRENCH.<br /> -<span class="fsize80">AN ENGLISH NOBLEMAN, 1848.</span></p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Milord.</span> Godam! Rosbif! I shall sell my wife at Smithfield. Dam!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap"><span class="smcap">Ethel.</span> Good-morning, Mr. Jones. You don’t seem to mind the heat!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> (<i>surlily</i>). I should say not. All my friends have given me -the cold shoulder.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How attractive that lady over there is! What a fine profile! What -thoughtful, dreamy eyes! If I could only find out in what branch of knowledge -she is especially interested! Listen! She is asking the librarian -something. I wonder what it is.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Librarian.</span> “No, madame, I do not know whether he was here yesterday.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page197">[197]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo214.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">A-MUSING.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">McDauber</span> -(<i>who is so afflicted with the habit of thinking aloud</i>). Charming bit of colour, that! Marvellous -chiaroscuro. Wonder who it’s by? -<span class="righttext">[<i>Oddly enough it is by McDauber himself!</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page198">[198]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo215.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /> -<p class="caption">PERHAPS.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Stout Fashionable Party.</span> -What guys they made of themselves in those days, aunt!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Slim Old Ditto.</span> -Fashion, my dear! I should not wonder but we shall be looked on as <i>perfect frights</i> in future -times!!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page199">[199]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo216.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="245" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Reception of pictures at the Royal Academy.—Arrival of the “Portrait of a Gentleman.”</p> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap">“Madame, I -have picked -out a charming husband -for you. Only I warn -you he is a thorough -sportsman. Fond of -motoring, mountain-climbing, -bicycling, and -ballooning.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Applicant</span> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). -“Can’t you give -me something that lasts -longer?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I can’t understand -how a man can commit -suicide for love.”</p> - -<p>“It happens frequently.”</p> - -<p>“Well, perhaps so, -but if I did it, I should -regret it all my life.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Hello, Jimson, whither -so fast?”</p> - -<p>“Don’t stop me. I’m -going to my employer’s -funeral, and there is -nothing he hates so -much as to have any -one come in late.”</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page200">[200]</span></p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<div class="thinbox gallery w250" style="margin-top: 3em;"> - -<p class="center fsize150"><b>OUR<br /> -HISTORICAL<br /> -PORTRAIT<br /> -GALLERY</b></p> - -<p class="hind02 blankabove">1.—<span class="smcap">Henry the Eighth</span></p> - -<p class="hind02">2.—<span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span></p> - -<p class="hind02">3.—<span class="smcap">Henry the Third of France</span></p> - -<p class="hind02">4.—<span class="smcap">Napoleon I</span></p> - -<p class="hind02">5.—<span class="smcap">Louis the Eleventh</span></p> - -<p class="hind02">6.—<span class="smcap">Oliver Cromwell</span></p> - -<p class="hind02">7.—<span class="smcap">Frederick the Great</span></p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo217a.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="389" /> -<p class="caption">1.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo217b.jpg" alt="" width="514" height="400" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption">2.</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption">3.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page201">[201]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo218a.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="415" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption">4.</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption">5.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo218b.jpg" alt="" width="560" height="400" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption">6.</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption">7.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page202">[202]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo219.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption">A STUDY.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">Stodge</span> and his friends, -Madlake and Blumold, have learnt that their pictures are hung this year. So, here they -are, looking out for some nice dressy ties for the opening of the Academy. Ah! it’s all very well to laugh, but personal -appearance and “get-up” generally is a very important thing nowadays, mind you!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page203">[203]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo220.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="399" /> -<p class="caption">OVERHEARD AT THE ACADEMY.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">First Art-Critic.</span> -Not a bad bit of colour that—great hairial effect, too!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Ditto.</span> Jolliest thing in the exhibition, by Jingo!</p> - -<p class="caption right fsize80">[<i>An explanation of the above is requested;—we -cannot find Mr. Jingo’s name in the catalogue.</i></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page204">[204]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>A DREAM OF UNFAIR WOMEN</h3> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">By Clement W. Scott.</span></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span> read, as daylight broadened into morn,<br /></span> -<span class="i2"><i>A Tale of Unfair Women</i>, in the pause,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“My youth!” one said, “whenever you have sworn,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">These women were the cause!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">At first methought a lady at a ball<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Sat with black-bearded warriors by the stair,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She was <i>décolletée</i> and divinely tall,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">With long, gold-dusted hair.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A meek young gentleman approached her seat,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">His gloves were split, his waistcoat buttons false;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She gazed an instant at his clumsy feet,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Then sneered, “I do not valse!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I saw a pic-nic by the river side,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">On scarlet rugs one sat, apart from man,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Queenlike she was, dark-haired and dreamy-eyed,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Hat-bound with astracan.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A melancholy captain in the line<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Drew near at last to pour forth all his heart;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She turned, “A thousand pardons, friend of mine,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Where is my cherry-tart?”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A maid, blue-stockinged, broke the silence drear,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And flashing forth a winning smile, said she,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“’Tis long since I have seen a man. Come here,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Play croquet now with me.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She “spooned,” and cheated, and had ankles thick,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I let her win, the game was such a bore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her bright ball quivered at the coloured <span class="nowrap">stick—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Touched,—and we played no more.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I turning saw a couple newly wed;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">She—lately fond of flirting, and a <span class="nowrap">belle—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Now contradicted every word he said,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And bullied him as well.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She said, “Oh! bother business; really, dear,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You’ve no more feeling for me than a stone;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I wish my kind mamma lived somewhere <span class="nowrap">near—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">I won’t be left alone!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I was cut off from hope in such a place!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">An evening party whence I dared not roam,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">My sister held her hand before her face,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I longed to be at home.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I strove to stir, but I was victimized<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To talk to dowagers; between the sets<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Two voiceless females, old and undersized,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Chirp’d Mendelssohn’s duets.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But soon my eyes were turned towards a <span class="nowrap">stage—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">This was an awful sight, it haunts me <span class="nowrap">yet—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">I saw a lady, of uncertain age,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Burlesquing Juliet.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page205">[205]</span> -<span class="i0">I saw a spectacled, but wild mamma,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Coaxing her daughter with a fair-haired lad;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then, hearing he made nothing, frowned; and, ah!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Called the young man “a cad.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I heard old maids take characters away;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I saw young ladies dress like men and smoke;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">An authoress next read a five-act play,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">’Twas wicked, and I woke.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Fun</i>, 1865.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo223.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="544" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page206">[206]</span></p> - -<div class="scr"> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo224.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="585" /> - -<div class="split3367"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80">1.—<i>Early Pie-ety.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80">3.—<i>Rough Weather off the Coast of Devon.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption fsize80">5.—<i>A Village Style.</i></p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split3367--> - -<div class="split3367 allclear"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80">2.—<i>The Mother’s Pet.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption fsize80">4.—<i>A Shady Pool.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption fsize80">6.—<i>The Mace-bearer.</i></p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split3367--> - -<div class="split5050 allclear"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption right fsize80 padr2">7.—<i>Summer.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption left fsize80 padl2">8.—<i>Spring.</i></p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -</div><!--scr--> - -<div class="hh"> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo224.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="585" /> - -<p class="caption fsize80">1.—<i>Early Pie-ety.</i><br /> -2.—<i>The Mother’s Pet.</i><br /> -3.—<i>Rough Weather off the Coast of Devon.</i><br /> -4.—<i>A Shady Pool.</i><br /> -5.—<i>A Village Style.</i><br /> -6.—<i>The Mace-bearer.</i><br /> -7.—<i>Summer.</i><br /> -8.—<i>Spring.</i></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -</div><!--hh--> - -<p class="allclear caption">A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR THE ROYAL ACADEMY CATALOGUE. (1868.)</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page207">[207]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">THE ARTIST OUT OF DOORS</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl2 padr2 bt br bb bl">THE ARTIST OUT OF DOORS</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo225.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="481" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption">“IT’S AN ILL WIND,” ETC.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80 padl1 padr1">Our artist takes advantage of the utter prostration of the poor sick passengers, -and fills his sketch-book.</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page208">[208]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo226.jpg" alt="" width="384" height="600" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">THE OLD COTTAGE.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page209">[209]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo227.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="185" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>Scene</i>—The Elysium of Artists. Albert Durer, Rafael, Michael Angelo, Titian, -Paul Veronese, Rubens, Reynolds, etc.</p> -</div> - -<h3>IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS</h3> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p class="largecap"><i>P. Veronese.</i> And you saw this English Painter, who has last -arrived among us, Sir Joshua?</p> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds.</i> I did—and, faith, with the more interest that such -arrivals become, every day, more rare. But I would rather keep back -his tidings from our friends here.</p> - -<p><i>All.</i> Nay—speak—speak!</p> - -<p><i>Rubens.</i> You know, my friend, we have no jealousies here—nor -schools.</p> - -<p><i>Rafael.</i> Our noble Michael has forgiven my youthful presumption.</p> - -<p><i>M. Angelo.</i> Not a word of that—I was to blame. <i>Basta!</i> You -acted nobly, gracefully, kindly as ever.</p> - -<p><i>Titian.</i> The outline of Rome embraces the colour of Venice; and -Titian here, after life, recognizes the might of Michael Angelo, and the -saintliness of Rafael.</p> - -<p><i>Rubens.</i> Strange how blind we were on earth!</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page210">[210]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo228.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="407" /> -<p class="caption">“A PRETTY PROSPECT!”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Native</span> (<i>to our Landscape -Painter, who has come down to sketch</i>). Why, sir, in -this ’ere valley that you’re a goin’ to, you may see—ah—three splendid viaducts -all at once, and one o’ the largest cloth factories in the West of England!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>A. Durer.</i> But the news from England?</p> - -<p><i>M. Angelo.</i> I love your commercial races and their merchant princes. -Florence should have been my home. Has England such patrons of -art as <span class="nowrap">Soderini—</span></p> - -<p><i>Rafael.</i> Or as my dear Agostino Chigi? He was a banker, but -had the soul of a king. How I loved him! Are there such bankers -in England?</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page211">[211]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo229a.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="340" /> -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Artist.</span> This canvas is going to create a sensation.</p> - -<img src="images/illo229b.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="378" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Crack!</p> - -<p class="caption">THE POSSIBILITIES OF A PENNY PISTOL AND A BOX OF CAPS.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page212">[212]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo230.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="408" /> -<p class="caption">TECHNICAL AND PRACTICAL.</p> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Maulstic.</span> Hullo, Jack, what <i>are</i> you after?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Jack.</span> Oh, my foreground -didn’t come well, so I’m <i>putting it together</i> a bit.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>A. Durer.</i> Or as my worthy burghers of Nüremberg—the friends of -Luther and Melancthon—are such the shopkeepers of England?</p> - -<p><i>P. Veronese.</i> Or such traders as my noble Levantine merchants of the -Rialto?</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page213">[213]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo231.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="391" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">How two friends of ours who can’t bear being looked over while they are sketching, circumvented the -impertinent curiosity of the vulgar.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page214">[214]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo232.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="399" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">Old Streekie, R.A., thought it very hard that -he could not run down to the seaside for a week, after the opening of -the Academy, without meeting “that pre-Raphaelite fellow Cleevidge loafing about there, the first time he walks out.”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page215">[215]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo233.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="350" /> -<p class="caption">WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Miss Jones</span> (<i>loq.</i>). -So glad there are no horrid cows in the field this morning.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>Reynolds.</i> Hush! friends, one at a time, or I drop my ear-trumpet, -as I used to do, when Boswell would put troublesome questions. I -fear England hardly boasts such men as you have mentioned. But -there is a large subscription to the Art-Union, and bad pictures are -greedily bought at small prices; good ones at large prices are few in -number, and of that few still fewer are sold.</p> - -<p><i>Rubens.</i> I grieve to hear it. But what of your English sovereign? -His Majesty, Charles the First (I was ambassador to his Court, you may -remember, from my royal friend, Philip of Spain) would stand by my<span class="pagenum" id="Page216">[216]</span> -easel for hours, watching me at work, and discoursing to me of art. -Doubtless, your sovereign shows like grace to our brethren of this later -time?</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo234.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="373" /> -<p class="caption">A DESIGN FOR AN ALBUM.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">The artist who gives up his time to drawing in albums is like a midshipman -on half pay—gets “nothing a day and finds himself.”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>A. Durer.</i> Nay, you are modest, my Rubens. For the <i>Liebe Deutsche -Schule</i>, I must speak for you. Not Charles alone—but the Gonzaga -of Mantua, Duke Albert, Philip the Spaniard, and the queenly Medici, -gloried in calling you their friend and counsellor.</p> - -<p><i>M. Angelo.</i> They did not honour Art—Art honoured them. How<span class="pagenum" id="Page217">[217]</span> -often have I told that hard truth to our Holy Father, fiery old Julius! -He cuffed his Chamberlain once, for denying it. But for my own part, -I never much affected your kings and great folks.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo235.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="431" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">This</span> -is Jack Sparkles, who used to be such a thorough pre-Raphaelite, as we came -upon him “at work” the other day—at least he called it so. He said he had come -to the conclusion that “painting was, after all, more or less a matter of memory, -and that he was studying skies!!”</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>Rafael.</i> Thy noble nature disdained such shelter as we weaker and -more luxurious spirits were fain to take under their escutcheons. And -our Leonardo here—Francis, seemed never so great a king as when he -picked up thy pencil, oh, my friend, lord not only of thine art, but of all -knowledge!</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page218">[218]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo236.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="381" /> -<p class="caption">CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; <span class="smcap">or</span>, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Ingenuas Didicisse Fideliter Artes</span>, -etc., etc.—<span class="smcap">Nursemaid.</span> The perspective of the <i>Chiaroscuro</i> is divine, Augustus. -But, oh! the <i>impasto</i>, is it not a <i>leetle</i> too <i>pizzicato</i>?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page219">[219]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>Leonardo da Vinci.</i> Is Art so honoured by the great of England?</p> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds.</i> Hum! Oh, His Majesty George the III was pleased -to give a charter to the Royal Academy. I have been presented—but, -certainly, I don’t remember to have seen him in my painting room at -Leicester Square, or to have been asked to take a seat in the Privy -Council.</p> - -<p><i>Rafael.</i> But your reigning monarch is a Queen. Woman has ever -loved the Beautiful. Surely she much affects you painters.</p> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds.</i> Hum—ha—I am extremely deaf.</p> - -<p><i>P. Veronese</i> (<i>shouting into his trumpet</i>). Does the Queen give due -honour to our brethren?</p> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds.</i> I am assured she has had painted already ten portraits -of her gracious self, thirty of her Royal consort, twenty of the -Royal infants, and fifty of the Royal pets, from paroquet to Brazilian -monkey.</p> - -<p><i>M. Angelo.</i> These are your court painters, who so disgrace their -calling. But your <i>Artists</i>? How goes it at the palace with them?</p> - -<p><i>Rubens.</i> Seated at the Royal board, doubtless—in places of honour.</p> - -<p><i>L. da Vinci.</i> Where else should sit the architects, engineers, philosophers, -poets of the nation—in whom all knowledge is orbed around -the Beautiful, and grows to Art?</p> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds.</i> I am not informed that they <i>do</i> sit <i>exactly</i> at the -Royal board, but the equerries’ table is excellent—and no <span class="nowrap">doubt——</span></p> - -<p><i>M. Angelo.</i> <i>Basta!</i> Do not mince words, man—out with it. The -painters’ table with the lackeys! Excellent England!</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page220">[220]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo238.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="421" /> -<p class="caption">AN ARTIST SCAMP IN THE HIGHLANDS.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist</span> -(<i>entering</i>). My good woman, if you’ll allow me, I’ll just paint -that bedstead of yours.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Cottager</span> -(<i>with bob-curtsey</i>). Thank ye, sir, I’ sure it’s very kind of -ye—but dinna ye think the wee yin wants it more?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>Titian</i> (<i>aside</i>). These islanders! But our pictures which adorn your -English galleries, my Bacchus and Ariadne—I painted it for Gonzaga.</p> - -<p><i>M. Angelo.</i> Well remembered, Vicellio. There’s Sebastiano’s picture, -too, in your gallery; I painted the Lazarus, my Rafael, to shame -thee. Blister my hand for it! How of it?</p> - -<p><i>Rafael.</i> It is a noble work, and I was honoured by such a rivalry.</p> - -<p><i>Rubens.</i> And my Peace and War? I painted it for your Charles, before -I opened my negotiation for peace with Spain. Surely it is well -cared-for, as a historic record, if not as a picture?</p> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds.</i> Really my trumpet is out of order—I must go.</p> - -<p><i>P. Veronese</i> (<i>pulling him back</i>). Nay, nay, you must tell us of our -pictures. Do they stand your fogs and damps? Are they still brightly -mellow, defying time and circumstance as such art should do?</p></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page221">[221]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo239.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="595" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">INGENIOUS PROTECTION AGAINST MIDGES—A VALUABLE HINT TO SKETCHERS -FROM NATURE.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page222">[222]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo240.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="409" /> -<p class="caption">SKETCHING FROM NATURE.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">Miss Raphael makes a study for her grand picture, “The Day after the -Deluge.”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds.</i> Why, the fact is, my friends—I am sorry to say—but -our climate is so very damp, and London so smoky—that they have -been cleaned.</p> - -<p><i>All.</i> Cleaned!</p> - -<p><i>Titian.</i> My Bacchus and Ariadne! Oh my tints! Oh my glazings! -A picture of mine cleaned!</p> - -<p><i>Rubens.</i> My Peace and War! Cleaned! say flayed rather. I<span class="pagenum" id="Page223">[223]</span> -know your cleaners. Oh wasted labour; reputation obscured; thoughtful -work rudely scrubbed away!</p> - -<p><i>All.</i> Shame and horror!</p></div> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo241.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="505" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">First Artist</span> -(<i>who has looked in as he was passing</i>). How are you? I say, -Stapyton, have you heard what your “Cavalier in a Coal-Hole” went for at Jobinson’s -yesterday?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Artist.</span> No; how much, my dear fellow; how much?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">First Artist.</span> Why, very nearly a pound, I heard!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Omnes</span> (<i>delighted</i>). Hurrah!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>M. Angelo.</i> So much for your <i>oil-painting</i>. Nay—excuse me, my -Rafael—I sympathize with you; but why not work in fresco? Cheer -up, my Titian.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page224">[224]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo242.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="365" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">ART AT A CATTLE SHOW.</p> - -<p class=" caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">First Small Boy.</span> I say, Bill, what’s he a doing of?</p> - -<p class=" caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Ditto.</span> Can’t you see he’s a-taking that -old gent’s picture, and <i>isn’t</i> it like him?</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption">WHAT AN ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</p> - -<p class=" caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="padl2">“O!</span> look’ee ’ere, Jane, ’ere’s one of them hacrobats -a-goin’ to do the ladder-trick!”</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page225">[225]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p><i>Titian.</i> Alas! my favourite work—my Bacchus! Cleaned! Oh -Ghost of Gonzaga! Barbarians!</p> - -<p><i>Leonardo da Vinci.</i> Nay, weep not, my beloved friends and brothers. -Is it not all of a piece? Art-Unions, royal lap-dogs, condescensions -which are insults, and your great pictures ruined and destroyed. Why -should you wish to exist in a country where your works have been -impotent to implant the seeds of Art, or aid in their growth and nurture.</p> - -<p><i>Titian.</i> <i>Oimè</i> for Venice.</p> - -<p><i>Rafael.</i> Oh Roma, Roma!</p> - -<p><i>A. Durer.</i> Nay—Nüremberg, also, is a town of burghers, and it is not -so with them.</p> - -<p><i>Sir J. Reynolds</i> (<i>aside</i>). I cannot console them. Their indignation is -too well grounded. I, too, am a painter, but I alone am ashamed of -my country!</p> - -<p class="right padr2"><i>Punch</i>, 1847.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w500"> -<img src="images/illo243.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="245" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="padl2">Our</span> artist enjoying himself in the -Highlands. * * * * “On fine hot days, -I have this to carry on my back.”</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="padl2">“On</span> wet days, with my waterproof -clothing, I am as comfortable as possible.”—<i>Extract -from a Private Letter.</i></p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page226">[226]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo244.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="396" /> -<p class="caption">“THE COMPLIMENTS OF THE (SKETCHING) SEASON.”</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Papa.</span> There, Henry! If you could do -like that, I’d have you <i>taught drawing</i>, my boy!</p> - -</div><!--fogcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page227">[227]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo245.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">“FINE ART.”</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Rural Connoisseur.</span> He’s a p’intin’ -two pictur’s at once, d’yer see? ’Blest if I don’t like that there little -’un as he’s got his thumb through, the best!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page228">[228]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo246.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="386" /> -<p class="caption">“BROTHER BRUSH.”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Ship-Painter.</span> Nice dryin’ weather for our business, ain’t it, sir?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Amateur</span> (<i>disconcerted</i>). Ya-a-s! -<span class="righttext">[<i>Takes a dislike to the place</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page229">[229]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo247.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">MAKING THE BEST OF IT.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">To artists who have big pictures returned on -their hands:—“If you can’t live <i>by</i> them, live <i>under</i> them!”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page230">[230]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo248.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="349" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">ONE REASON, CERTAINLY!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">First Artist.</span> Who’ll be the next Academician?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Artist.</span> Oh, Faddler, my dear fellow, -unquestionably!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">First Artist</span> (<i>incredulous</i>). Nonsense!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Artist.</span> Oh, there’s no doubt about it! A -very good fellow, you know, and he’s lived a long time -at St. John’s Wood!</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption">ÆSTHETICS.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Fadsby</span> (<i>in agony; he’s a martyr to the decorative art -of the nineteenth century</i>). Oh! Mrs. Grabbit—I -really must—implore you—to remove those chimney -ornam—ugh!—those two—fictile abominations—from -this room while I remain he-ar!</p> - -<p class="caption capright padl4 fsize80">[<i>Of all the artis’s, Mrs. Grabbit said, as she’d ever let -her apartments to, he was the most partic’lar.</i></p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page231">[231]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo249.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="354" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">A BROAD HINT.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">Stumpy Artist</span> (<i>to friend with a Government appointment -and lots of time</i>). Come and see my picture; -can’t you come in the daytime early? And look ’ere: -do you know a tall, handsome, gentlemanly-looking -fellow, with a light beard and moustache, who would sit -to me for my Hungarian Chief?</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption fsize80">PLEASANT FOR JACK DAUBS, WHO IMAGINES THAT -HIS DRAWINGS ARE RATHER TURNERESQUE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">First Art Critic.</span> I do b’lieve he’s a-painting the -sky.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Ditto.</span> Noa, he ain’t. He’s a-painting -them people.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Third Ditto.</span> Noa, he’s a-doing sommut out of his -head.</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page232">[232]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo250.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="396" /> -<p class="caption">FLATTERING!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">First Rustic.</span> -’Str’or’nary way o’ gettin’ yer livin’! Ain’t it, Joe?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Second Ditto.</span> -Aye, that ’t be, William. <i>Cripples</i> o’ some sort, most on ’em, you may depend!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page233">[233]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo251.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption">OUR ADVENTUROUS ARTIST</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80">Sketching on the Cornish coast, he has taken -precautions against slipping over the rocks. Our artist is seen, from -below, by the learned German Professor Longbauer, who, after he made the most of it in his <i>Travels</i>, described this -incident as an instance of the cruel treatment of their political prisoners by the English Government!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page234">[234]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo252.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="393" /> -<p class="caption">ART AND SCIENCE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Mahlstyck</span> -(<i>who has been at it all day for a week making a pre-Raphaelite study of seashore</i>). I say, some of you -fellows in the gunboat yesterday very nearly hit me once or twice!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Jack Tar.</span> Lor, was -that you sittin’ here yesterday, sir? Why, you was so still we thought you was a bush or -summut—we was <i>practisin’ at you</i>!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page235">[235]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo253.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="356" /> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> - -<p class="caption">AN EYE FOR COLOUR.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">1st Art Student.</span> Fine sunset that, Jack, but fancy -I’ve seen it before.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padr1"><span class="smcap padl2">2nd Ditto.</span> Of course; decided crib from Turner. -Saw it at a glance!</p> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<p class="caption">IGNORANCE <i>WAS</i> BLISS.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Waiter.</span> Yes, sir. We had a gentleman here, only -last week, as took a sketch of that very ’ill, sir.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist</span> (<i>abstractedly</i>). Oh, indeed! Was he an -artist?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl1"><span class="smcap padl2">Waiter</span> (<i>indignantly</i>). Oh, no! sir—a perfect -gentleman.</p> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page236">[236]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo254.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="382" /> - -<p class="caption">OUR ARTIST</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">IS NOT IN THE BEST OF TEMPERS. HE HAS BEEN DISTURBED OFTEN BY BARGES, AND BOTHERED BY THE BLUEBOTTLES, -AND THEN HE’S ACCOSTED BY WHAT APPEARS TO HIM IN THIS IRRITABLE MOOD TO BE AN</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Art-Critic</span> -(<i>loq.</i>). The picture looks better a goodish bit off, gov’nour!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist</span> (<i>maddened</i>). Con-found—So do you, sir! -<span class="righttext">[<i>Party makes off hastily, “not liking the looks of him.”</i></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page237">[237]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">SCULPTURE & COMEDY</h2> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo255.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="565" title="SCULPTURE & COMEDY" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">“Well, there’s one thing: ’e’s well <i>broke</i>!”</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page238">[238]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo256.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="396" /> -<p class="caption">THE VENUS OF MILO; <span class="smcap">or</span>, GIRLS OF TWO DIFFERENT PERIODS.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Chorus.</span> Look at her big foot! Oh, what a -waist!—and what a ridiculous little head!—and <i>no</i> chignon! She’s -no lady! Oh, what a fright! (Period 1869.)</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page239">[239]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>PYRAMUS AND THISBE</h3> - -<p class="center highline2">A TRAGIC BALLAD</p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span> sing not now in joyous strain,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To suit these mirthful pages;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Mine is a tale of love and pain,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Black blood and by-gone ages.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Some people’s wit is small <span class="nowrap">indeed—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">But smaller still must his be,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who’s never had the luck to read<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of Pyramus and Thisbe.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I do not write for such a dunce,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My task would be in vain;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Let those who’ve blubbered at it once,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Now read, and weep again.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Of all the beauties of the East,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Fair Thisbe was the star,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And Nature gave her—last not <span class="nowrap">least—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">A very cross mamma.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Next door there lived a “nice young man,”<br /></span> -<span class="i2">One Pyramus by name;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And laughing Cupid soon began<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To kindle up the flame.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Then came soft words and softer sighs,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And “hearts for ever true,”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And radiant eyes, like summer skies,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And little <i>billets-doux</i>.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Next Thisbe ’d ask to go and walk,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Upon some sly pretence,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And then they’d meet alone, and talk<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Across the garden-fence.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">At last her mother caught her <span class="nowrap">out—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">And scarlet grew her forehead.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“My stars! miss, what are you about?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Good gracious me, how horrid!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She locked her up—our hero, too,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Was lectured by his father:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“Do that again, sir! just you do!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And won’t I whop you—rather!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He begged and prayed: the governor<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Still gave that answer <span class="nowrap">gruff—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">“Lord; what’s the good of lovin’ her?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A boy like you, sir! stuff!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Come, get along! what’s all this fuss?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Let’s have no more, sir, pray!”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With broken heart poor Pyramus<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Turn’d in despair away.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He moped all day, and talked to none,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Through dim and lone woods wending;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Men cried, “If this be lover’s fun,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Our hearts are worth defending!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">When day was done, the night again<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Brought visions of his fairy:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Alas! how vain the tender pain,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“<i>In statu pupillari</i>.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">He cried, “Oh this is hard, <span class="nowrap">indeed—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">I mayn’t caress my love, nor<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With blameless word win blameless <span class="nowrap">meed—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">O cruel, cruel guv’nor!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I said, you know, some time ago,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Their houses stood contiguous;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Not <i>dos-à-dos</i>, but in a <span class="nowrap">row—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">I hate to be ambiguous.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Well, little Love, who’s up to snuff,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In pitying mood, one day,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Proposed a plan; and sure enough<br /></span> -<span class="i2">They tried, and found it pay.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum" id="Page240">[240]</span> -<span class="i0">He whispered in the ear of each,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“<span class="oldtype">Seek out some little hole in</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><span class="oldtype">Your wall, through which your lover’s speech</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2"><span class="oldtype">May echo most consoling</span>.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">They searched above, they searched below,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To find affection’s keyhole;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Till—just when all appear’d “no go,”<br /></span> -<span class="i2">They found a little wee hole.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo259.jpg" alt="finding a little wee hole" width="350" height="170" /> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">A rotten brick had come in <span class="nowrap">two—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">They saw the cranny—nay, more.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">They saw their love by peeping through,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Ah! “<i>Quid non sentit amor?</i>”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">They poked the useless brick away<br /></span> -<span class="i2">By digging out the mortar;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And there they passed the livelong day<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In whispers and “soft sawder.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Then, Thisbe ’d cry, “Oh dear, oh dear,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My eyes are full of dust, love;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You must come round and kiss me here,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Indeed, indeed, you must, love.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And then, poor Pyramus would say,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“God bless me, how can this be?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve kissed a dirty lump of clay,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And not my pretty Thisbe!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Bad wall, bad wall! thy chink is small,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Thy big stones almost hide her:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Why leave the little hole at all<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Unless a little wider?<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“O will you meet me quite alone<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To-morrow night, my dear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Beyond brass-gated Babylon<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Where walls can’t interfere.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Let’s meet by nine, at Ninus’ tomb,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Under the mulberry-tree,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The moon that lights the sunless gloom<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Shall light my love to me.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">’Tis night—the moon has flung her beam<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Far down the glowing wave,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Where rolls Euphrates’ silent stream<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Fast by the monarch’s <span class="nowrap">grave:—</span><br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The night-wind bids the forest groan<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And leafy branches <span class="nowrap">reel;—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">But, Lord! Who’s this—and all <span class="nowrap">alone—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">In such a <i>déshabille</i>.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">’Tis Thisbe! hear it, wise mammas,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The lesson’s told <span class="nowrap">concisely,—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Don’t bother Love by bolts and bars,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Or you’ll be diddled nicely!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo260.jpg" alt="" width="350" height="220" /> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">For though her mother—cross old <span class="nowrap">cat—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Had safely locked her in,<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>She</i> knew a trick worth two of that,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And didn’t care a pin.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She soon escaped—no matter <span class="nowrap">how—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">And ere the bell tolled nine,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sat trembling where the forest bough<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Danced in the pale moonshine.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page241">[241]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo261.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">“INGENUAS DIDICISSE,” AND SO ON.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Urbane Foreigner.</span> -The—ah—contemplation of these—ah—relics of ancient art in the galleries -of Europe, must be most int’r’sting to the—ah—educated American!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">American Tourist.</span> -Wa’al, don’t seem to care much for these <i>stone gals</i>, somehow, stranger!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page242">[242]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She sat and watched the waters roll,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And more impatient <span class="nowrap">grew:—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">At last she heard a horrid <span class="nowrap">growl,—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">“Oh, dear, what shall I do?”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Speak, Pyramus! Where are you! Oh,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I hear that growl again!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How can you leave your Thisbe so?<br /></span> -<span class="i2">You must—you must be slain!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo262.jpg" alt="lion" width="350" height="171" /> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She’d hardly done, when trotting by,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A lion fresh from slaughter,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With black blood drenched, and savage eye,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Came from the woods to water.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Poor Thisbe shuddered at the sight,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Not relishing his “ivory”;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">“Besides,—especially <span class="nowrap">to-night—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">It’s very hard to die—very!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“I’ll run and hide behind an oak,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">My stars! just hear him swallow;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’d better first throw off my cloak,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I wonder if he’ll follow!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">The lion on a hawthorn spray<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Descried the mantle dangling,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She’d washed it out that very day,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">He stopped—and did the mangling.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo263.jpg" alt="Thibe's suicide" width="300" height="191" /> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But ah! the brute was hardly gone<br /></span> -<span class="i2">When Pyramus drew <span class="nowrap">near—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">“My Thisbe! Where’s my love—my <span class="nowrap">own—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Good gracious me! what’s here?<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“Oh, Thisbe, dearest, are you dead;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Can this orn robe say true?<br /></span> -<span class="i0">All pawed and clawed and bloody <span class="nowrap">red,—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">My love, I’ll follow you!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Then out he drew his shining blade,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">“Grim Death—a friend art <span class="nowrap">thou—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">My folly’s slain earth’s fairest maid!<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I’ll not survive—so now!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">With that, he gave a deadly dig,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Another, and one more,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then kicked and hollo’d like a <span class="nowrap">pig—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">And his short life was o’er.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Poor Thisbe! fancy how she cried<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To find her lover <span class="nowrap">struck;—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">“Great Gods! I’ll slumber by his side,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The darling, darling duck!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">She snatched the weapon from the wound,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And bared her snowy breast;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Once gazed in maddening grief around,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And then—we know the rest!<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Punch</i>, 1844.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page243">[243]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo264.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="394" /> -<p class="caption">AT THE GREAT EXHIBITION OF 1861.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Sarah Jane.</span> Lawks! Why it’s hexact like our Hemmer!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page244">[244]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo265.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="369" /> -<p class="caption">POPULAR HISTORY.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Guide.</span> That -heffigy of them two halabaster habbots in ’elmets hare from a tomb in the Habby of St. Holive’s, -founded by ’Enery the fust Tooder, fort’n ’undred ’n heighty-seven. Their mortal remains was haxumed by horder -hof the R’yal Hantiquarian Serciety seventin heighty-three; their bodies was found himbammed, and henwelluped -in jules! -<span class="righttext"><span class="padr2">[<i>Procession moves on.</i></span></span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page245">[245]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo266.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="377" title="EXECUTED IN TERRA COTTA" /> -<p class="caption">CAPITAL PUNISHMENT!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">“Mother”</span> -(<i>at South Kensington</i>). Executed in —— Tut-t-t-t! Lauk a mussy, -’Liza! what did them foreigners want to ’ang that poor innocent-lookin’ young -creetur’ for!!?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="largecap">A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, -among many other curiosities, a rusty sword. “This,” said he, -“is the sword with which Balaam was going to kill his ass.” One of -the company observed that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only -wished for one. “You are right,” replied the student, “and this is the -very sword he wished for.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page246">[246]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo267.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="395" /> -<p class="caption">A FLAGRANT ATTEMPT.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">Jones prepares a little surprise for his Mary Ann, -and has his equestrian portrait taken. He remarks, “’Ang it, you -know, if I do have my carte done, I don’t see why I shouldn’t ’ave my ’orse!”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page247">[247]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">FUNNY FILMS Humours of Photography</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w450"> - -<div class="split6733"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><b>FUNNY FILMS</b></p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="center funfilms fsize125">Humours of<br /> -Photography.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split6733--> - -<p class="allclear bt"> </p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo268.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="449" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Photographer’s Tout.</span> ’Ave yer photograph took, my lord?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Wag.</span> No, we’re too ugly.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Photographer’s Tout.</span> Many a true word spoke in jest, mates.</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page248">[248]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo269.jpg" alt="fading portrait" width="400" height="211" /> -</div> - -<h3>PHOTOGRAPHIC FAILURES</h3> - -<p>One of the advantages or disadvantages, as the case may be, of many -photographic portraits, is, that they fade away by degrees, and thus -keep pace with those fleeting impressions or feelings under which it is sometimes -usual for one to ask another for his or her miniature. It may be a -strong recommendation of cheap photography, that its pictures will last -as long as the ordinary run of small affections, and, indeed, a superior specimen -of the art may be warranted to retain its outline throughout a flirtation -of an entire month’s durability. We had our own portrait taken by the -cheap process a short time ago, when we received the above copy of the -state of the portrait through a period of an entire fortnight.</p> - -<p>The three specimens shown above represent our portrait when recently -done; the same after it had been in existence a week, and the same after -the expiration of an entire fortnight. The following pathetic ballad was -appended to the specimens which we have given <span class="nowrap">above:—</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Behold thy portrait!—day by day,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I’ve seen its features die;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">First the moustachios go away,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Then off the whiskers fly.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">That nose I loved to gaze upon,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That bold and manly brow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Are vanish’d, fled, completely <span class="nowrap">gone—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Alas! where are they now?<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page249">[249]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600" id="Fig249"> -<img src="images/illo270a.jpg" -alt="BOBBY’S CAMERA: SOME·EFFECTS·HE·GOT·WITH·IT" -title="BOBBY’S CAMERA: -SOME·EFFECTS·HE·GOT·WITH·IT" -width="600" height="86" /> -</div> - -<div class="split5050 w550"> - -<div class="left"> -<img src="images/illo270b.jpg" alt="Pa. By Bobby" title="Pa. By Bobby" width="271" height="392" /> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<img src="images/illo270c.jpg" alt="Ma. By Bobby" title="Ma. By Bobby" width="268" height="395" /> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<div class="allclear split5050 w550"> - -<div class="left"> -<img src="images/illo270d.jpg" alt="Grandpa. By Bobby" title="Grandpa. By Bobby" width="267" height="391" /> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<img src="images/illo270e.jpg" alt="Sister. By Bobby" title="Sister. By Bobby" width="267" height="394" /> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="caption allclear"><a href="#Text249">BOBBY’S CAMERA: <i>S<sup>O</sup>ME·EFFECTS·HE·GOT·WITH·IT</i>.</a></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page250">[250]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv blankbefore"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Thy hair, which once was black and bright,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Much worse than grey has grown;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Indeed, I scarce can say ’tis white,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For ’t has completely flown.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Those speaking eyes, which made me trust<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In all you used to vow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Are like two little specks of <span class="nowrap">dust—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Alas! where are they now?<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo271.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="393" /> -<p class="caption highline1">INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A PHOTOGRAPH.—I.<br /> -By a Friend of the Family.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page251">[251]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo272.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="381" /> -<p class="caption highline1">INTERESTING GROUP POSED FOR A PHOTOGRAPH.—II.<br /> -The Valuable Result.</p> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But, ah!—thy portrait of thy love<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Is but a type, no doubt,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And serves its fickleness to prove,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For soon ’tis all wiped out.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Thy hair, thy whiskers, and thine eyes,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Moustachios, manly brow,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Have vanished as affection <span class="nowrap">flies—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">Alas!—where is it now?<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Punch</i>, 1847.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page252">[252]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo273.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="463" /> -<p class="caption">HAPPY THOUGHT!</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page253">[253]</span></p> - -<div class="split5050 w600"> - -<div class="left"> - -<div class="oriana"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/oriana1.png" alt="ornament" width="150" height="30" /> -</div> - -<p class="center highline fsize90">HAPPY THOUGHT!</p> - -<p class="fsize90 blankbefore">Ingenious Jones sits for his portrait -to a peripatetic photographer, and cunningly -places himself exactly between -the apparatus and the unconscious -Oriana, whom he worships at a respectful -distance, and whose likeness he would -fain possess.</p> - -<div class="orianaright"> -<p>[<i>On this page the reader will -find, all framed and glazed, for -3s. 6d. complete, Ingenious -Jones’s Happy Thought’s result.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/oriana2.png" alt="ornament" width="150" height="30" /> -</div> - -</div><!--oriana--> - -</div><!--left--> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo274.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="368" /> -</div> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page254">[254]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo275.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="390" /> -<p class="caption">PLEASANT FOR SIMPKINS!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Photographer</span> -(<i>to Mr. Simpkins</i>). Keep your head steady, please, sir, and look in the direction of those young -ladies. Steady now, sir! Don’t wink, sir!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Mrs. S.</span> (<i>by -a look that Mr. S. quite understood</i>). Just let me see him wink!!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page255">[255]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo276.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="393" /> -<p class="caption">UNANSWERABLE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Old Girl.</span> Oh, -I’ve brought back these cartes of mine, Mr. Kammerer. My friends are -very dissatisfied. <span class="nowrap">They——</span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Photographer.</span> Dear -me, mum, I’m extremely sorry; I thought the portrait <span class="nowrap">very——</span></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Old Girl.</span> Oh! impossible; it’s hideous!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page256">[256]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo277.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="388" /> -<p class="caption">CAN THE CAMERA LIE?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Georgina</span> (<i>in riding -habit</i>). Well dear! I declare it’s the very image of you! I <i>never</i>!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Sarah Jane</span> (<i>who -insists upon seeing the plate</i>). Like me? for goodness’ sake don’t be ridiculous, Georgina. I -think it’s perfectly absurd! Why, it has given me a stupid little turn-up nose, and a mouth that’s absolutely enormous!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page257">[257]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo278.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="389" /> -<p class="caption">THE ARTISTIC (!) STUDIO.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><i>A Stereoscopic Scene from Fashionable Life in 1857.</i></p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="padl2">“<i>Love, Pride, -Revenge.</i>”</span> The group represents a young minstrel of humble origin, declaring his passion to a lady -of noble parentage. Her haughty brother, as may be seen from his menacing attitude, is about to avenge the insult offered -to his family!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page258">[258]</span></p> - -<h3>THE PHOTOGRAPHS</h3> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo279.jpg" alt="dancers" width="250" height="279" /> -</div> - -<p class="largecap">To-day I was let sit up, tucked up in a quilt in -a arm-chare. I soon got tired o’ that, so I ast -Betty to get me a glass o’ ice-water to squench -my thirst, an’ when she was gone I cut an’ -run, an’ went into Susan’s room to look at all -them fotografs of nice young men she’s got -there in a drawer.</p> - -<p>The girls was all down in the parlour, ’cos -Miss Watson had come to call. Betty she came -a huntin’ me, but I hid in the closet behind a old -hoop-skirt. I come out when she went away, and had a real good time. -Some o’ them fotografs was written on the back, like this: “Conseated -fop!” “Oh, ain’t he sweet?” “He ast me, but I wouldn’t have him.” -“A perfect darling!” “What a mouth!” “Portrait of a donkey!”</p> - -<p>I kep about two dozen o’ them I knew, to have some fun when I got -well. I shut the drawer so Sue wouldn’t notice they was took. I felt -as if I could not bare to go back to that nasty room, I was so tired of it, -an’ I thought I’d pass my time a playing I was a young lady. I found -a lot o’ little curls in the buro, wich I stuck on all around my forehead -with a bottle of mewsiledge, and then I seen some red stuff on a sawcer, -wich I rubbed onto my cheaks. When I was all fixed up I slid down -the bannisters plump against Miss Watson, wot was sayin’ good-bye to -my sisters. Such a hollerin’ as they made!</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page259">[259]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w350"> -<img src="images/illo280.jpg" alt="" width="350" height="548" /> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl2">“Have you ever been photographed, Uncle?”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl2">“Yes, Tommy.”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl2">“What for?”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page260">[260]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo281.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="381" /> -<p class="caption">PORTRAIT OF A DISTINGUISHED PHOTOGRAPHER,<br /> -<span class="fsize80">Who has just succeeded in focussing a view to his complete -satisfaction.</span></p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>Miss Watson she turned me to the light, an’ sez she, as sweet as pie:</p> - -<p>“Where did you get them pretty red cheeks, Geordie?”</p> - -<p>Susan she made a sign, but I didn’t know it.</p> - -<p>“I found some red stuff in Sue’s drawer,” sez I, and she smiled kind -o’ hateful, and said:</p> - -<p>“Oh!”</p> - -<p>My sister says she is an awful gossip, which will tell all over town -that they paint, wich they don’t, ’cause that sawcer was gust to make -roses on card-bord, wich is all right.</p> - -<p>Sue was so mad she boxed my ears.</p> - -<p>“Aha, missy!” sez I to myself, “you don’t guess about them fotografs -wot I took out o’ your drawer!”</p> - -<p>Some folks think little boys’ ears are made on purpose to be boxed—my -sisters do. If they knew what dark and desperate thoughts come<span class="pagenum" id="Page261">[261]</span> -into little boys’ minds, they’d be more careful—it riles ’em up like pokin’ -sticks into a mud puddel.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo282.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="449" /> -<p class="caption">A PHOTOGRAPHIC PICTURE. (1853.)<br /> -<span class="fsize80"><span class="smcap">Old Lady</span> (<i>who is not used to these new-fangled notions</i>). Oh, sir! -please, sir! don’t, sir! Don’t for goodness’ sake fire; sir!</span></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>I laid low—but beware to-morrow!</p> - -<p>They let me come down to breakfast this mornin’.</p> - -<p>I’ve got those pictures all in my pockets, you bet your life.</p> - -<p>“Wot makes your pockets stick out so?” ast Lily, when I was a -waiting a chance to slip out unbeknone.</p> - -<p>“Oh, things,” sez I, an’ she laughed.</p> - -<p>“I thought mebbe you’d got your books and cloathes packed up in -’em,” sez she, “to run away an’ be a Injun warryor.”</p> - -<p>I didn’t let on anything, but ansered her:</p> - -<p>“I’ll just go out in the backyard an’ play a spell.”</p> - -<p>Well, I got to town, an’ had a lot of fun. I called on’ all the -aboriginals of them fotografs.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page262">[262]</span></p> - -<p>“Hello, Georgie! Well agen?” said the first feller I stopped -to see.</p> - -<p>Oh, my! when I get big enuff I’ll hope my mustaches won’t be waxed -like his’n! He’s in a store, an’ I got him to give me a nice cravat, an’ -he ast me “Was my sisters well?” so I fished out his fotograf, and gave -it to him.</p> - -<p>It was the one that had “Conseated Fop!” writ on the back. The -girls had drawed his mustaches out twict as long with a pencil, an’ made -him smile all acrost his face. He got as red as fire, an’ then he skowled -at me:</p> - -<p>“Who did that, you little rascal!”</p> - -<p>“I should say the spirits did it,” I said, as onest as a owl, an’ I went -away quick cause he looked mad.</p> - -<p>The nex plaice I come to was a grocery store, where a nuther young -man lived. He had red hair an’ freckles, but he seemed to think hisself -a beauty. I said:</p> - -<p>“Hello, Peters!”</p> - -<p>He said:</p> - -<p>“The same yourself, Master George. Do you like raisins? Help -yourself.”</p> - -<p>Boys wot has three pretty sisters allers does get treted well, I notiss. -I took a big hanful of raisins an’ sot on the counter eating ’em, till all -at oncest, as if I jest thought of it, I took out his fotograf an’ squinted -at it, an sez:</p> - -<p>“I do declare it looks like you.”</p> - -<p>“Let me see it,” sez he.</p> - -<p>I wouldn’t for a long time, then I gave it to him. The girls had made -freckles all over it. This was the one they wrote on its back, “He asked -me, but I wouldn’t have him.” They’d painted his hair as red as a -rooster’s comb. He got quite pale when he seen it clost.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page263">[263]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo284.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="394" /> -<p class="caption">ENCOURAGEMENT OF ART.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">First curled and powdered -Darling</span> (<i>to photographer</i>). You’d better take pains with these ’ere <i>carte de visites</i>, -as they’ll be a good deal shown about.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Second curled and -powdered Darling</span> (<i>on the sofa</i>). Yes—pertiklerly in the hupper suckles. Get you -customers, you know.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page264">[264]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>“It’s a burning shame,” sez I, “for them young ladies to make fun -of their bows.”</p> - -<p>“Clear out,” sez Peters.</p> - -<p>I grabbed a nuther bunch o’ raisins an’ quietly disappeared. I tell -you he was rathy!</p> - -<p>Mister Courtenay he was a lawyer, he’s got a offis on the square by the -cort-house. I knew him very well, ’cause he comes to our house offen. -He’s a awful queer-lookin’ chap, an’ so stuck up you’d think he was tryin’ -to see if the moon was made o’ green cheese, like folks sez it is, the way -he keeps it in the air. He’s got a depe, depe voice way down in his boots. -My harte beat wen I got in there, I was that fritened; but I was bound to -see the fun out, so I ast him:</p> - -<p>“Is the What is It on exabishun to-day?”</p> - -<p>“Wot do you mean?” sez he, a lookin’ down on me.</p> - -<p>“Sue said if I would come to Mister Courtenay’s offis I would see -wot this is the picture of,” sez I, givin’ him his own fotograf inskribed, -“The Wonderful What is It.”</p> - -<p>It’s awful funny to see their faces wen they look at their own cards.</p> - -<p>In about a minit he up with his foot, wich I dodged just in time. I -herd him muttering suthin’ ’bout “suing for scandal.” I think myself I -oughter arrest her for ’salt an’ battery, boxing my ears. I wisht he -would sue Sue, ’twould serve her right.</p> - -<p>I’ll not get to bed fore midnight if I write enny more. I’m yawning -now like a dying fish. So, farewell my diry till the next time. I give -them cards all back fore dinner-time. There’ll be a row, I expect. I’ve -laughed myself almost to fits a thinkin’ of the feller wot I give “The<span class="pagenum" id="Page265">[265]</span> -Portrait of a Donkey” to. He looked so cress fallen. I do believe -he cried. They were teazin’ ma to let ’em give a party nex’ week wen I -got home to dinner. I don’t believe one of them young gentlemen will -come to it; the girls have give ’em all away. I don’t care tuppence. -Wot for do they take such libertys with my ears if they want me to be -good to ’em.</p> - -<p>P.S.—I bet their left ears are burning wuss’n ever mine did!</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter w450"> -<img src="images/illo286.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="526" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Artist!</span> -(<i>photographic</i>). You’ve rather a florid complexion, sir, but -(<i>producing a flour dredger, to the old gentleman’s horror</i>) if you’ll take a seat, -we’ll obviate that immediately.</p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page266">[266]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo287.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="403" /> -<p class="caption">ARTFUL!</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">Dodge of little Sperks, showing how parties -below the middle height, by the use of miniature background furniture, -may gain a more imposing stature in the <i>carte de visite</i>.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page267">[267]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo288.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="384" /> -<p class="caption">SUBJECT FOR A PICTURE.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Photographer.</span> Now, sir! ’ave yer cart de visit done?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page268">[268]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo289.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="387" /> -<p class="caption">PHOTOGRAPHIC BEAUTIES.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">“I say, mister, here’s me and my mate wants our -fotergruffs took; and mind, we wants ’em ’ansom, cos they’re -to give to two ladies.”</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page269">[269]</span></p> - -<div class="minstrels"> -<h2 class="fsize175"><i>WANDERING<br /> -MINSTRELS</i></h2> -</div> - -<div class="figleft w400"> -<img src="images/illo290.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="305" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">CHRISTMAS WAITS.</p> -</div> - -<p class="allclear"><span class="pagenum" id="Page270">[270]</span></p> - -<h3>MRS. BROWN AND THE GERMAN BAND</h3> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo291.jpg" alt="O" title="O" width="150" height="217" /> -</div> - -<p class="fig291"><span class="hide">O</span>h, I don’t think as I ever did ’ave sich a ’ead-ache as -that arter we’d been to ’Ampton Court, as I do believe -a-settin’ on the grass ’ad struck to me, and cold weal -and ’am pie and cowcumber is wittles as along with -lobster salad and red currant tart you did ought to be -cautious ’ow you takes, and not ’urry thro’ it with all -that confusion, and you don’t know what you are a-takin’. And young -’Awkins as were attentive to me kep’ a-fillin’ up my plate and glass -every time as I turned my ’ead away a minit, as ’ave know’d ’im from -a child, and what with the confusion at the train a-gettin’ back, I were -that dizzy as I got into the wrong cab, as thro’ a mistake drove me -werry near to Nottin’-’ill afore I could make the stupid feller understand -as I wanted South Lambeth, and then to stand me out as I said -Bayswater.</p> - -<p>It was past one in the mornin’ when I got ’ome, and ’ad to knock -Brown up, as were that savage, and all his own fault thro’ not a-lookin’ -arter me at the Waterloo Station, thro’ ’avin’ got out at Wauxall, as -is certingly nearest, thro’ bein’ not five minits from our door, yet ’ow -was I to know as we’d got parted a-gettin’ into the train, and me that -dead beat as to fall asleep the werry moment as I were in the train, and -never opened my eyes till the man come for the ticket, and a nice trouble -I ’ad to find mine and every one in the carriage a-goin’ on at me as is -their larkin’ ways of a Sunday night.</p> - -<p>Well, as I said afore never did I ’ave sich a ’eadache, as were downright -splittin’, and openin’ and a-shettin’ jest like water-works. I -’adn’t took no dinner, so was a-thinkin’ as I’d ’ave a early cup of tea, -and was a-settin’ quiet in my front parlour with the blinds drawed -down, a-thinkin’ as I might get a nap and be fresh for my tea.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page271">[271]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo292.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="395" /> -<p class="caption">THE DIVISION OF LABOUR.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">How would it be if they changed instruments?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page272">[272]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>I’d put my feet up on the sofy, as isn’t a thing as I do one time in -a thousand, and was a-droppin’ off, when of all the ’owlin’, gruntin’ -and squeakin’ noises as ever you ’eard it broke out in our street. I -says, “they must be lunatics broke loose, a-makin’ free with them -hinstruments, as wouldn’t never make that noise left to theirselves -or used proper.”</p> - -<p>I gets up and goes to the winder, and I see about four of them -German boys a-playin’ away on trombones, like mad, and one on ’em -a-tryin’ our gate.</p> - -<p>So I knocks at the winder, and shakes my ’ead at ’im, he opens the -gate and comes in up to the winder as I opens, and says, “Go along. -I don’t want no more of your noise.”</p> - -<p>He goes on with ’is gibberish rubbish, and I only says to ’im, “Get -out!” and shets down the winder.</p> - -<p>Well, them young waggerbones kep’ on a-blowin’ and ’owlin’, like -any one in tortures till I couldn’t stand it no longer, so I opens the winder -ag’in, and ’olds up a jug of water, as the gal ’ad brought me up for -the plants, a-making believe to throw it over ’em, when one of them -’Opwoods as lives next door, comes out and tells ’em to go on playin’ -and give ’em money.</p> - -<p>The row as they kicked up, then, a-blowin’ right at me with them -big ’orns of theirn did so aggravate me that I took and chucked all -the water slap among ’em, and if one of them young wretches didn’t -pick up a big stone and shiver a pane of glass in my front parlour in a -jiffey.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page273">[273]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo294.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="393" /> -<p class="caption">CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; <span class="smcap">or</span>, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">New Chamber of -Horrors at Madame Tussaud’s.</span> (<i>The right man in the right place.</i>) Don’t be afraid, you -little goose! it’s only wax-work! Why, <i>I</i> recollect when people like that were allowed to go loose about the streets!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page274">[274]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>I couldn’t stand that, so ketches up the fust thing as come to, and -as proved to be the ’arth broom as ’angs with the kittle ’older, and out -of the ’ouse I rushes.</p> - -<p>Well, them boys took to their ’eels, when they see me comin’ out -of the door, and run a little way, and then stopped and picked up stones -and sent a reg’lar wolley at me.</p> - -<p>I ducked my ’ead in course, as they all went over right into old -’Opwood’s Green-’ouse, as he jest ’ad put up ag’in ’is parlour.</p> - -<p>I never ’eard sich a crash, nor yet sich a roar as old ’Opwood give -like demented lions, and out he come on the doorstep, jest as them -boys sent a second wolley of stones, and one ketched ’im slap in the -mouth, and down he went like a dead un, and them young scoundrels -was off like the dust afore the wind as the sayin’ is.</p> - -<p>If all them ’Opwoods didn’t come out on the doorstep, and give me -their Billinsgate, for the old feller’s got two reg’lar brimstones of daughters, -besides ’is old wife as is a reg’lar old dragon of Wantage.</p> - -<p>They all yells at me “’ow dare you set them boys on to destroy -our property.”</p> - -<p>I says, “Me set the boys on? I was a-drivin’ them away with their -beastly noise a-distractin’ any one, as you’ve been encouragin’.”</p> - -<p>“They was playin’ beautiful,” says one of them Miss ’Opwoods, -“my favourite Waltz.”</p> - -<p>I says, “So I should think jest the music fit for you to dance to,<span class="pagenum" id="Page275">[275]</span>” -for she’s forty-five, and got a ’ump back, and as ugly as she’s wicious.</p></div> - -<div class="figcenter w300"> -<img src="images/illo296.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="429" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">NOTHING LIKE ADVERTISING YOURSELF.</p> -</div> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>“Oh, you old cat,” she says to me, a-gnashin’ ’er teeth, “’ow I -should like to tear your old wig off.”</p> - -<p>I says, “No doubt, for I’m sure you wants one bad enough.”</p> - -<p>“Come in Julia,” says the old mother. “Don’t talk to that low -old woman.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page276">[276]</span></p> - -<p>“Yes,” I says, “Go in Julia, and ’elp your ma skin the cat.”</p> - -<p>Down the steps come the old woman, and says, “You audacious -falsehood; I’ll punish you.”</p> - -<p>I’d got to my gate by that time. So I says to ’er, “Stand off you -wile filthy old wretch, don’t dare cross my doorstep!” and ’olds up -the ’arth broom at ’er.</p> - -<p>Her two daughters, a-seein’ me threatenin’ ’er come up, and says, -“Ma, dear, come in.”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” I says, “Ma dear, do, or else the police may come by, and -you may get give in charge ag’in as you was the week afore last,” for -the old man ’ad been ’ad up for cruelty to animals twice.</p> - -<p>They was all a-goin’ to fly out when a bobby come round the -corner, and as soon as they see ’im, they made faces at me, and was -a-goin’ off.</p> - -<p>I says, “Oh, pray don’t ’urry, here is the police.”</p> - -<p>I says to the perliceman, “’Ave you ’ad any one up lately hereabouts -for cruelty to animals”; and in they goes and bangs their doors; -and well they might, for that wicked old wretch had been destroyin’ -of cats brutally, and they’d fined ’im for it; and I do believe as the -old woman did use to skin cats, for she wore a fur tippet in the winter -as was cats’ skins all over.</p> - -<p>But law, ’ow singler things do come ’ome to parties sometimes, -to be sure; for it wasn’t but the next Sunday evenin’ arter, as I were -alone in the ’ouse, and went out in the front jest to look at some stocks -as Brown ’ad planted the night afore, when I thought as I ’eard groans -from next door, as is ’Opwood’s.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page277">[277]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w400"> -<img src="images/illo298.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="575" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">SKETCH FROM A STUDY WINDOW.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page278">[278]</span></p> - -<div class="highlines"> - -<p>I listens, and says to myself, “That’s some one in pain or I’m a -Dutchman.” So I goes closer to their wall and ’ears them groans and -smells burnin’.</p> - -<p>So knowin’ as somethink were wrong I ’urries to their door and -knocks, but no one a-comin’, I says, “They’re all gone out,” and was -a-goin’ away, for I didn’t ’ear no more groans, but I smelt the burnin’; -so I says, “No doubt I shall only get insults for my pains, but I’ll try -and go in and see what’s amiss.” So I makes my way round to their -back door, as were only on the latch, and in I goes, and the smell -of burnin’ was downright sickenin’; I goes straight into the front -kitchen, and there was old ’Opwood a-layin’ in the fender a-roastin’ -as ’ad fell out of ’is chair in a fit.</p> - -<p>I ’auls ’im up, and never did see sich a sight as one side of ’is face -and all ’is neck and shoulder. The boy jest then come round with the -eight o’clock beer, so I ’ollers to ’im to run for a doctor, and I got ’old -’Opwood some’ow into ’is chair, as was quite insensible.</p> - -<p>As luck would ’ave it, the doctor jest round the corner were at ’ome, -and come at once, and we got the old man’s burns dressed, as I -considers there’s nothink finer than whitin’, as the doctor agreed to.</p> - -<p>If you’d seen that old Mother ’Opwood’s face and ’er daughters, -when they come in jest on ten and found me a-lookin’ arter that old -man, as we’d got up on to a sofy in the front parlour.</p> - -<p>She begun to scream and holler at fust, and then said as I’d been -and done it.</p> - -<p>I wasn’t the least put out with ’er, but only says to ’er daughters, -“Keep ’er quiet”; which they did by draggin’ on ’er up-stairs, where<span class="pagenum" id="Page279">[279]</span> -they kep’ ’er, and I must say, as they spoke werry ’andsome to me, -as stopped along with the old man till jest on twelve.</p> - -<p>I didn’t think as the old man would ’ave lived thro’ it, but he did, -and ’ad his senses back, and able for to talk by the end of the week, -and told us as he remembered a-pitchin’ forard ag’in the bars a-tryin’ -to get a light for ’is pipe.</p> - -<p>He never will be the same man as he were, but it’s been a lesson -to ’im and to them, too, not to leave him alone, nor yet to be that insultin’ -to a neighbour as they have been to me, a-doin’ everythink to -annoy me, and turnin’ me into every redicule as the ’uman ’art can -think on.</p> - -<p>But they’ll never encourage them orgins and bands as they did use -to, and ’ave them inside their gardin’ to play when I’d sent them away, -and no doubt we should get on better for the future to come, but I’m -glad as we’re a-goin’ to move away, and all as I wants is to part friends, -for as to livin’ friendly next door to them I never could.</p> - -<p class="right padr2"><i>Fun</i>, 1868.</p> - -</div><!--highlines--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo300.jpg" alt="ornamental musicians" width="450" height="218" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page280">[280]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo301.jpg" alt="trombone player with victim" width="600" height="133" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>STREET MUSICIANS</h3> - -<p class="center highline2">By <span class="smcap">Oliver Wendell Holmes</span>.</p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">Y</span>ou’re sitting on your window seat<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Beneath a cloudless moon;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You hear a sound that seems to wear<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The semblance of a tune,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">As if a broken fife should strive<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To drown a cracked bassoon.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And nearer, nearer still, the tide<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Of music seems to come,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">There’s something like a human voice<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And something like a drum;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">You sit in speechless agony,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Until your ear is numb.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Poor “Home, Sweet Home” would seem to be<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A very dismal place;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Your “Auld Acquaintance,” all at once,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Is altered in the face;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Their discords sting thro’ Burns and Moore,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Like hedgehogs dressed in lace.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">You think they are crusaders sent<br /></span> -<span class="i2">From some infernal clime,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To pluck the eyes of Sentiment<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And dock the tail of Rhyme,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To crack the voice of Melody<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And break the legs of Time.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But, hark! the air again is still,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">The music all is ground,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And silence like a poultice comes<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To heal the blows of sound;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">It cannot be—it is, it <span class="nowrap">is—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">A hat is going round!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">No! pay the dentist when he leaves<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A fracture in your jaw,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And pay the owner of the bear<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That stunned you with his paw,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And buy the lobster that has had<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Your knuckles in his claw.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But if you are a portly man,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Put on your fiercest frown,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And talk about a constable<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To turn them out of town;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then close your sentence with an oath,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Then shut the window down!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And if you are a slender man,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Not big enough for that,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Or if you cannot make a speech<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Because you are a flat,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Go very quietly and drop<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A button in the hat!<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page281">[281]</span></p> - -<h2 class="hidden">THROUGH THE OPERA -GLASSES</h2> - -<div class="thinbox w500"> - -<p class="center highline4 fsize175"><span class="padl1 padr1 bt br bb bl">THROUGH THE OPERA GLASSES</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter margin0 bt bb"> -<img src="images/illo302.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="388" /> -</div> - -<p class="caption">THE OPERA.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80"><span class="smcap">Box-Keeper.</span> Stalls 216 and 217. This way, ma’am; last row, ma’am.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">Won’t you like a book, ma’am?</p> - -</div><!--thinbox--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page282">[282]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>THE BOHEMIAN GIRL</h3> - -<p class="center highline1">ADAPTED TO THE MEANEST CAPACITY</p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">M</span>iss Rainforth, one day<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Having gone out to play,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(Then a very young lady) was hurried,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">By a shocking fierce man,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">From a vagabond clan,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Away to the green-room, quite flurried!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">This abduction, so free,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Was lamented in D,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">With a pathos quite like Catalani,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">By her father, Arnheim,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Who sung out in slow time;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">(Count Arnheim was play’d by Borrani).<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">But, lo! after act one,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Without help of the “sun,”<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Or (as Wordsworth has said) of the “shower,”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">This damsel so nice,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With a very sweet voice,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Grew twelve inches in less than an hour!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And, having now seen,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Summers full seventeen,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Her heart could not wholly withstand<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The very soft “sawder”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of a dashing marauder<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Named Harrison—one of the band.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So the maid, in reply,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">After heaving a sigh,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Sang a song—now the darling of Fame,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which, if not quite grammatical,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Was very poetical,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That Harrison “lov’d her the same.”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">As we’ve all heard a few<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of the stories so new<br /></span> -<span class="i2">About gipsies and children, I ween,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I need scarcely relate,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">How a fortunate fate<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Gave Borrani again his Arline.<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo303.jpg" alt="acrobats" width="300" height="252" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page283">[283]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo304a.jpg" alt="dancers (?)" width="300" height="266" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Suffice it to say,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In a summary way,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">That a chain, round her neck which she wore,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">By a stern new policeman,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Accustomed to seize men,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Was carried a justice before:<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">That she knew not the theft;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That the chain was a gift<br /></span> -<span class="i2">From her supposititious mamma;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And this damsel so nice,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(With a very sweet voice)<br /></span> -<span class="i2">In the magistrate found her papa!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">We have then, a third act;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A most curious fact;<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Which none understood, till they knew<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The author had thought,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">That in justice he ought<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A <i>moral</i> to add to the two.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">So a lesson he gave<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(This poet so grave,)<br /></span> -<span class="i2">To singers and men; and the fall<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of Miss Betts, at the end,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">By the hand of a friend,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Was felt as the moral by all.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Punch</i>, 1844.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo304b.jpg" alt="opera singers (?)" width="350" height="249" /> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page284">[284]</span></p> - -<h3>“TURNED OUT”</h3> - -<div class="figleft"> -<img src="images/illo305a.jpg" alt="A" title="A" width="100" height="168" /> -</div> - -<p class="fig305a"><span class="hide">A</span>t a Cosmopolitan Club they were discussing the -relative position of various countries as musical -centres. Germany seemed to have the most votaries, -much to the evident displeasure of one excitable -Italian. “Italy is turning out the most -musicians, and has always turned out the most,” -he cried.</p> - -<p>“Ach Gott!” exclaimed one of the Germans. -“Can you blame her?”</p> - -<div class="figcenter allclear w450"> -<img src="images/illo305b.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="268" /> -<p class="caption">WHAT INDEED?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Door-Keeper.</span> -Beg your pardon, sir—but you must, indeed, sir, be in full -dress!</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Snob</span> (<i>excited</i>). Full dress!! Why, what do yer call this?</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page285">[285]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo306.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="397" /> -<p class="caption">“FRENCH WITHOUT A MASTER.”</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Matron in -Stalls</span> (<i>reads from programme</i>). “Overture to L’Ongfong Prod-eeg.” What does that mean? The -prodigious child, eh?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Accomplished Daughter</span> -(<i>shocked</i>). Mamma, dear! No—“L’Enfant Prodigue”—it means the infant prodigy!!</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page286">[286]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo307.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="374" /> -</div> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>RECOLLECTIONS OF THE OPERA</h3> - -<p class="center highline1"><span class="smcap">By W. M. Thackeray.</span></p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span>’ve known a god on clouds of gauze<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With patience hear a people’s prayer,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And, bending to the pit’s applause,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Wait while the priest repeats the air.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve seen a black-wigg’d Jove hurl down<br /></span> -<span class="i0">A thunderbolt along a wire,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To burn some distant canvas town,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Which—how vexatious!—won’t catch fire.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve known a tyrant doom a maid<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(With trills and <i>roulades</i> many a score)<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To instant death. She, sore afraid,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Sings; and the audience cries encore.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve seen two warriors in a rage<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Draw glist’ning swords, and—awful <span class="nowrap">sight!—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Meet face to face upon the stage<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To sing a song, but not to fight!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve heard a king exclaim “To arms”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Some twenty times, yet still remain;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve known his army ’midst alarms,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Help by a bass their monarch’s strain.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve known a hero wounded sore<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With well-tuned voice his foes defy;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And warbling stoutly on the floor,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With the last flourish fall and die.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve seen a mermaid dress’d in blue;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve seen a Cupid burn a wing;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve known a Neptune lose a shoe;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I’ve heard a guilty spectre sing.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I’ve seen, spectators of a dance,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Two Brahmins, Mahomet, the Cid,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Four Pagan kings, four knights of France,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Jove and the Muses—scene Madrid.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Punch</i>, 1843.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page287">[287]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w500" id="Fig287"> -<img src="images/illo308.jpg" alt="" width="479" height="600" /> -<p class="caption"><a href="#Text287">WE DON’T SING ENOUGH.</a></p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">Sailors sing at their work. Why don’t clerks, lawyers, doctors, brokers, and shopkeepers? -It would add to the variety of life.</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page288">[288]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo309.jpg" alt="" width="418" height="600" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">THE HIGH NOTE.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page289">[289]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo310.jpg" alt="" width="418" height="600" /> -<p class="caption fsize80">THE LOW NOTE.</p> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page290">[290]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>A WOMAN’S THOUGHTS ABOUT WOMEN</h3> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">I</span> think Miss Juliet in the play<br /></span> -<span class="i2">A forward little minx<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(And Mrs. Grundy likes to say<br /></span> -<span class="i2">What Mrs. Grundy thinks).<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her conduct with R. Montague<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Seems perfectly absurd,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Such bold and brazen language, too,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I think I never heard.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I think Othello led a tame<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And wretched kind of life,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">With Desdemona <span class="nowrap">What’s-her-name—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">His namby-pamby wife.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">To run away—at such an <span class="nowrap">age—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">And with a negro, too!<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Such conduct even on the stage,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I think I never knew.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I think that, as to Beatrice,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Her husband was a flat<br /></span> -<span class="i0">For looking for a life of peace<br /></span> -<span class="i2">With such a wife as <i>that</i>.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Her conduct wasn’t over strict<br /></span> -<span class="i2">For all her length of jaw;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And such a muff as Benedict<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I think I never saw.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I think, when Portia’s lovers came<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And played at pitch and toss,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">The gentleman who won that dame<br /></span> -<span class="i2">Contrived to gain a loss.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I think Emilia was a shrew,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">And Rosalind ill-bred;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(But “As you Like It,” <i>entre nous</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I think I never read).<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">I think Macbeth was led astray<br /></span> -<span class="i2">By wicked Lady M.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And those three witches. By the way,<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I don’t think much of <i>them</i>.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">I think Ophelia—that’s a <span class="nowrap">fact—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i2">The best of all the set;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But anybody quite so crack’d<br /></span> -<span class="i2">I think I never met.<br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit padr8"><i>Fun</i>, 1865.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page291">[291]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo312.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="382" /> -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl8"><span class="smcap">Brown</span> -(<i>thinking of her age</i>). Perfect voice that girl has—she’s only twenty-two.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80 padl8"><span class="smcap">Jones</span> (<i>thinking otherwise</i>). Twenty-two what—stone?</p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page292">[292]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter w600"> -<img src="images/illo313.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /> -<p class="caption">CULTURE FOR THE MILLION; <span class="smcap">or</span>, SOCIETY AS IT MAY BE.</p> - -<p class="caption fsize80">HIGH ART BELOW STAIRS.—<span class="smcap">Cook.</span> -Sh—sh—! <i>Moderato</i>, Susan! <i>Affettuoso</i>, Jim! <i>Ben marcato il basso</i>, -Mr. Raffles! <i>Bravi tutti! Da capo!</i></p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page293">[293]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo314.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="398" /> -<p class="caption">GENTLE REBUKE.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Old Gentleman.</span> -How charmingly that young lady sings! Pray, who composed the beautiful song she -has just favoured us with?</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Lady of the House.</span> Oh, it is by Mendelssohn.</p> - -<p class="caption just fsize80"><span class="smcap padl2">Old Gentleman.</span> -Ah! One of his famous “Songs without Words,” I suppose.</p> - -<p class="caption right fsize80">(<span class="smcap">Moral.</span>—<i>Young ladies, when you sing, -pronounce your words carefully, and then you will not expose<br /> -unmusical old gentlemen to making such a ridiculous mistake as the above.</i>)</p> - -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page294">[294]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>THE ONION GIRL</h3> - -<p class="center highline2">(<span class="smcap">After Tennyson’s “Lady of Shalotte.”</span>)</p> - -<h4>PART I.</h4> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0"><span class="poemcap">O</span>n either side of Market-street<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Small stalls of vegetables meet<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Domestic eyes; and voices sweet<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And voices hoarse their hearing greet<br /></span> -<span class="i6">With cries of “Buy my fine shalots!”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And up and down the million goes;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Gazing where, in varied rows,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Green stuff lies, and each nose knows<br /></span> -<span class="i6">The odour of shalots.<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Widows cheapen, urchins chatter,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Little vagrants make much clatter;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Vulgar boys cry, “<i>Who’s your hatter?</i>”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And this time, the night of Satur-<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Day’s the joy of all the sots.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bright blue eyes, lips like the cherry,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Rosy cheeks, that ringlets bury,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Had an Irish girl, from Derry,<br /></span> -<span class="i6">A girl who sold shalots!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">To the market, peas and beans<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Heavy lumbering machines<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bring thrice a week, also greens;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And ’tis prime fun to watch the scenes<br /></span> -<span class="i6">At the biddings for the lots.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But who hath seen <i>her</i> buy her stock<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Of onions, or white-headed broc-<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oli, before four of the clock,<br /></span> -<span class="i6">That girl who sells shalots?<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Only peelers, walking early<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(One there is a great, big, burly<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Fellow, who is always surly,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And wouldn’t even let a cur lie<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Down in shelter’d corner spots);<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Or, by the dawn, some loose young city<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Clerk, home reeling, hears the ditty<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She oft sings—says “<i>’Tis that pretty</i><br /></span> -<span class="i6"><i>Girl who sells shalots!</i>”<br /></span> -</div> -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page295">[295]</span></p> - -<div class="poemdiv"> - -<div class="poem"> - -<h3>THE ONION GIRL</h3> - -<h4>PART II.</h4> - -<p class="noindent">(<i>A change comes o’er the spirit of the O.G.</i>)</p> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Now she flaunts by night or day,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">In gorgeous dress and ribbons gay:<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Conscience often whispers “nay!”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But love of finery cries “<i>yea</i>.”<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Calling conscience “horrid rot!”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She knows not what the end may be,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And so she hath a “jolly spree,”<br /></span> -<span class="i0">But little other care hath <span class="nowrap">she—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i6">That girl who sold shalot!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">And now, before a mirror clear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">She learns each wily glance and leer;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Then puts an earring in each ear,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And donning some fast, flashy gear,<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Starts for some den that London blots.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">There the vicious eddy whirls;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And there is vice in gold and pearls;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And there are jewelled, wretched girls,<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Who’d scorn to sell shalots!<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">Sometimes a troop of swells—drunk—mad<br /></span> -<span class="i0">(Who’d call a sober man a <span class="nowrap">cad)—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Bring in a very verdant lad,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And teach him everything that’s bad,<br /></span> -<span class="i6">And stain his soul with cank’ring spots.<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And there she sits, with eyes so blue,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Loudly and lightly chatted to;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Oh! she was brighter, <i>happier too</i>,<br /></span> -<span class="i6">When she cried, “Fine shalots!”<br /></span> -</div> - -<div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">For she must suffer many <span class="nowrap">slights—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">May never more know home’s <span class="nowrap">delights—</span><br /></span> -<span class="i0">Can scarcely claim a woman’s rights;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Must writhe beneath the scorn that blights<br /></span> -<span class="i6">Such cheerless, weary, dreary lots;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And dies, at last, by some road-side;<br /></span> -<span class="i0">Or, urged by sin’s despairing pride,<br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>She sinks beneath the murky <span class="nowrap">tide—</span></i><br /></span> -<span class="i6"><i>That girl who sold shalots!</i><br /></span> -</div> - -<p class="poemcredit"><i>Fun</i>, 1864.</p> - -</div><!--poem--> - -</div><!--poemdiv--> - -<p><span class="pagenum" id="Page296">[296]</span></p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/illo317.jpg" alt="FINIS" width="300" height="472" /> -<p class="caption">END OF VOLUME VIII.</p> -</div><!--figcenter--> - -<div class="butler"> - -<hr class="butler" /> - -<p>Butler & Tanner, Frome and London.</p> - -</div><!--butler--> - -<hr class="allclear chap" /> - -<h2 id="TC">Transcription of texts inside illustrations</h2> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text024"> - -<h3>Page 24.</h3> - -<p>I cannot tell, what you and other men<br /> -Think of this life; but, for my single self,<br /> -I had as lief not be, as live to be<br /> -In <span class="underl">awe</span> of such a <span class="underl">thing</span> as I myself.</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig024">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcript-on--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text025"> - -<h3>Page 25.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">OWING TO A SPRAINED ANKLE, AN ACTRESS PLAYED CARMEN IN A BATH CHAIR</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">SIGNOR BELLOWNI HAD A SORE THROAT THE OTHER NIGHT, BUT HE PLUCKILY WENT THROUGH -HIS PART WITH THE AID OF A MACHINE</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">ARE YOU RIGHT SIR?<br /> -ALTHOUGH SUFFERING FROM A SEVERE ATTACK OF GOUT, M<sup>R</sup> -BUSKIN PLAYED ROMEO MANFULLY</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">AITCHOO!<br /> -INFLUENZA DID NOT PREVENT M<sup>R</sup> YELLOWCHEEK -FROM GOING THROUGH HIS FAVOURITE PART OF HAMLET LAST NIGHT</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">SIGNOR SQUALLO HAS BEEN CONFINED TO HIS BED WITH PNEUMONIA, -BUT WE ARE GLAD TO SAY HE WAS ABLE TO MAKE A VERY -SUCCESSFUL APPEARANCE AS MEPHISTOPHELES</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">SUCCESS ATTENDED SIGNOR TOPNOTO’S IMPERSONATION OF TRISTAN, -THOUGH HE WAS NURSING A BAD COLD IN THE HEAD.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig025">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text027"> - -<h3>Page 27.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">“HOORAY!”<br />“SPLENDID!”<br />“BRAVO!”<br /> -STEALS SOMEONE ELSE’S GIRL</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">“WELL DONE!”<br />“I HOPE HE WON’T BE FOUND OUT!”<br />“HOW DARING HE IS!”<br /> -STEALS HER FATHER’S PICTURES</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">“GOOD!”<br />“ISN’T HE A SPORTSMAN!”<br />“WHAT A SPLENDID FELLOW!”<br /> -STEALS HER TIARA</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">“FINE!”<br />“I HOPE HE’LL ESCAPE!”<br />“HOW NOBLE!”<br /> -ESCAPES FROM POLICE IN A MOTOR CAR</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig027">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text031"> - -<h3>Page 31.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">THE LIGHTING OF THE HOUSE IS SURE TO RECEIVE ATTENTION</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">MR BUSKIN M.P. HURRIES TO THE HOUSE AFTER A MATINÉE TO VOTE FOR HIS PARTY<br /> -“DISGRACEFUL COSTUME”<br /> -“OUGHT NOT TO BE ALLOWED!”<br /> -“LOWERS THE DIGNITY OF THE HOUSE!”</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<p class="center">DIGNIFIED EXIT OF M<sup>R</sup> GARRICK-KEAN M.P.<br /> -AFTER AN UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO<br />ENGAGE THE ATTENTION OF THE HOUSE.<br /> -“CHAIR”<br /> -“BOO”<br /> -“ORDER”<br /> -“NO MATTER-R-R! A TIME WILL COME!”</p> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">“WHERE’S THE PROMPTER?”<br /> -A MAIDEN SPEECH</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">“HA! HA!”<br />“HA! HA!”<br />“HA! HA!”<br /> -EFFECT OF A LOW COMEDIAN ON THE HOUSE</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig031">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text032"> - -<h3>Page32.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">WE SHALL SOON SEE ACTORS WEARING MASKS OUT OF DOORS</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">THE ACTOR-MANAGER WILL REFUSE LIMELIGHT<br /> -“THIS PART OF THE STAGE WILL DO FOR ME”</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">THIS WILL BE A QUITE USUAL OCCURRENCE ON FIRST NIGHTS<br /> -“M<sup>R</sup> GARRICK-KEAN IS NO LONGER IN THE HOUSE!”</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">THE GENERAL APPEARANCE OF THE ACTOR WILL CHANGE FROM THIS-- TO THIS--</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<p class="center">THIS MAY POSSIBLY HAPPEN<br /> -“NO, I’VE TAKEN ONE CALL, LET SOMEONE ELSE GO FORWARD NOW!”</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig032">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text035"> - -<h3>Page 35.</h3> - -<p>“BE OFF, OR I’LL CALL IN THE POLICE!”<br /> -“WHAT CHEEK!”<br /> -“WANTS TO BUY A SEAT!”<br /> -“WHAT IMPUDENCE!”<br /> -WHEN BUSINESS IS GOOD</p> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<p>“LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT, SIR!”<br /> -“DO TAKE A PROGRAMME, SIR!”<br /> -“ANY SEAT YOU LIKE, SIR!”<br /> -“COME IN MY DEAR SIR. DON’T GO AWAY!”<br /> -WHEN BUSINESS IS BAD</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig035">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text039"> - -<h3>Page 39.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p>“COME AND LUNCH WITH ME AT THE ACTORS’ CLUB”</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p>“HULLO, OLD MAN, SEEN ME IN MY NEW PART? BIGGEST SUCCESS OF MODERN TIMES!”</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p>“HULLO, DEAR BOY, SEEN MY ROMEO? FINEST EVER KNOWN--BRINGS THE HOUSE DOWN EVERY NIGHT!”</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p>“I TELL YOU, OLD BOY, MY SHOW IS THE FUNNIEST IN LONDON. I’M SIMPLY GREAT IN IT!”</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p>“SMITH’S HAMLET ISN’T IN IT WITH MINE!”</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p>“COME AND LUNCH WITH ME AT THE ACTORS’ CLUB”</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig039">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text056"> - -<h3>Page 56.</h3> - -<p>IT IS A STRANGE IDIOSYNCRACY OF CERTAIN THEATRE-GOERS THAT THEY WILL -HUSTLE AND PUSH AND FIGHT TO LEAVE THEIR SEATS BEFORE THE CURTAIN GOES <span class="nowrap">DOWN—</span></p> - -<p class="allclear"> </p> - -<p>—IN ORDER TO STAND AT THE ENTRANCE AND PREVENT OTHERS FROM LEAVING THE THEATRE</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig056">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text057"> - -<h3>Page 57.</h3> - -<p>CALL BOY<br /> -CHARWOMAN<br /> -SUPERS<br /> -STAGE CARPENTER<br /> -SCENE SHIFTERS<br /> -BOOT MAKER<br /> -TAILOR<br /> -UPHOLSTERER<br /> -WIG MAKER<br /> -LIMELIGHT MAN<br /> -PROMPTER<br /> -GAS FITTER<br /> -TROMBONE</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig057">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text116a"> - -<h3>Page 116 top.</h3> - -<p>LITERATURE: we shall all be run down & devoured!!—there won’t be a bit of us left -for succedding ages!—the dogs nowadays have got such large Capacities!!</p> - -<p>Left hand baby: FIRST STEPS TO LEARNING</p> - -<p>Right hand baby: READING MADE EASY</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig116a">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text116b"> - -<h3>Page 116 bottom.</h3> - -<p>Flag: We are the boys</p> - -<p>Book title: NEW HORN BOOK EVERY MAN his own TRUMPETER.</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig116b">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text118"> - -<h3>Page 118.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">You see Gran Ma, before you suct this Egg, or, more properly speaking before you extract the matter -contained within this shell by suction, you must make an incision at the Apex & a Corresponding aperture at the base.</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">Aye, Dear—How very clever!!—they only used to make a hole -at each end in my time—Well I declare they are making improvments in everything.</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear">Book: WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN</p> - -<p>Books in toy basket: amongst others THEOLOGY, SHAKESPEARE, EUCLID, BOYLE, BENTLEY, MILTON, HUME</p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig118">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription" id="Text178"> - -<h3>Page 178.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">Now mind, you are to make me appear as usgly as you can—aye—you may stare!—but you must know -that I am the only one that dislikes flattery. In fact, I want every-body to laugh at me—so the -more ridiculous you make methe better I shall like it</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">It’s an odd request! But I’ll do my best</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig178">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription w30m" id="Text190a"> - -<h3>Page 190 top.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="padr1">WAITING FOR A SEAT</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="padl1">THE FIGHT ROUND THE TEA ROOM</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="allclear highline2">Charming! How nice How pretty! Quite nice</p> - -<p class="highline2">TRYING TO GET A GLIMPSE OF THE PICTURES</p> - -<div class="scr"> - -<div class="split3367"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="center padr1">OH MY HEAD! GOING</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="center padl1 padr1">HOME</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="center padl1">NEXT DAY</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -</div><!--right--> - -</div><!--split3367--> - -</div><!--scr--> - -<div class="hh allclear"> - -<p class="center">OH MY HEAD! GOING</p> - -<p class="center">HOME</p> - -<p class="center">NEXT DAY</p> - -</div><!--hh--> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig190a">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<p class="thinline allclear"> </p> - -<div class="transcription allclear w15m" id="Text249"> - -<h3>Page 249.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="center padl1 padr1 nowrap">Pa. By Bobby<br /> -Grandpa. By Bobby</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="center padl1 padr1 nowrap">Ma. By Bobby<br /> -Sister. By Bobby</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="thinline allclear"> </p> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig249">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="transcription w40m" id="Text287"> - -<h3>Page 287.</h3> - -<div class="split5050"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="page287">♫ SING HO! FOR THE LIFE OF A CLERK ♫<br /> -♫ TRA-LA ♫</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="page287">♫ WE ARE BARRISTERS BOLD AND FREE ♫<br /> -♫ YES BOLD AND FREE ♫<br /> -♫ WHO SO FREE IN THE LAND! ♫</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<div class="split5050 allclear"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="page287 blankbefore">♫ WE’VE GOT NO WORK TO DO-O ♫<br /> -♫ OH A LIFE ON THE STOCK EXCHANGE ♫</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="page287 blankbefore">♫ THE LIFE OF A TYPIST IS GAY ♫<br />♫ TRA-LA-LA! ♫</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<div class="split5050 allclear"> - -<div class="left"> -<p class="page287 blankbefore">♫ MERRY SHOP GIRLS ARE WE ♫<br /> -I SAID HANDKERCHIEFS</p> -</div> - -<div class="right"> -<p class="page287 blankbefore">♫ YO-HO! YO-O HO! ♫<br />♫ NOW WHO’S FOR THE BA-ANK! ♫</p> -</div> - -</div><!--split5050--> - -<p class="illoback">Back to <a href="#Fig287">illustration</a>.</p> - -</div><!--transcription--> - -<div class="tnbot" id="TN"> - -<h2>Transcriber’s Notes</h2> - -<p>Depending on the hard- and software used, not all elements may display as intended.<br /> -Inconsistencies and unusual spelling have been retained.<br /> -The transcriptions of the texts inside illustrations have been made for this e-text.<br /> -Page 107: The illustrated capital should be an I, but is an L.</p> - -<p>Some missing and incorrect punctuation has been added or corrected silently, -as have been some obvious printer’s errors.<br /> -On page 74/75, 176/177 and 252/253 references to the illustrations and captions on the opposite page have been deleted.<br /> -Page 84: ... the muffs who loat ... has been changed to ... the muffs who gloat ....</p> - -</div><!--tnbott--> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Stage, Study & Studio, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK STAGE, STUDY & STUDIO *** - -***** This file should be named 52614-h.htm or 52614-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/6/1/52614/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Harry Lamé and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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