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diff --git a/old/52598-0.txt b/old/52598-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index efc026c..0000000 --- a/old/52598-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4587 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles, by Dean Rivers - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles - Containing one thousand of the latest and best conundrums, - gathered from every conceivable source, and comprising - many that are entirely new and original - -Author: Dean Rivers - -Release Date: July 18, 2016 [EBook #52598] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES *** - - - - -Produced by MWS, Carolyn Jablonski and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - -[Illustration: titlepage] - - - - - Conundrum_s_ - - Riddles _and_ Puzzles - - - Containing one thousand of the late_s_t - and be_s_t _Conundrums_, gathered from - every conceivable source, and comprising - many that are entirely new and original - - - - - By - - DEAN RIVERS - - Philadelphia - The Penn Publishing Company - 1903 - - - - - COPYRIGHT 1893 BY THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY - - COPYRIGHT 1900 BY THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY - - - - - PREFACE - - -A taste for guessing puzzles and enigmas is coeval with the race. The -early Greeks were extremely fond of such intellectual exercises, and -they are found in the language of all civilized nations. One of the -brightest forms of these puzzles is that of the conundrum, the answer of -which is usually a play upon words similar to the pun. Each language has -its own particular form of this kind of wit, but the English language, -on account of its composite nature, is especially rich in such forms of -wit and humor. - -The compiler of this little volume has made a choice selection of -conundrums from those in actual use among people belonging to refined -and cultured society. They are classified under four principal -heads—General Conundrums, Biblical Conundrums, Poetical Conundrums, and -French Conundrums. Some of the most ingenious and interesting forms of -wit will be found under each of these classes. - -In addition to these conundrums, the book contains a rare collection of -arithmetical puzzles. These were especially prepared for the work by a -mathematician of wide reputation who has used many of them in one of his -own publications. They will be found of great interest to those who have -a taste for numbers and their curious combinations and results. - -The collection as a whole will afford innocent recreation for the -fireside and social circle, and thus contribute to the happiness of -those who enjoy the higher forms of pleasure that flow from the exercise -of the mind upon those subjects that require quickness of thought and a -nimble wit. - - - THE AUTHOR. - - - - - CONTENTS - - - PAGE - - GENERAL CONUNDRUMS, 9 - - BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS, 117 - - POETICAL CONUNDRUMS, 125 - - FRENCH CONUNDRUMS, 133 - - ARITHMETICAL PUZZLES, 137 - - - - - GENERAL CONUNDRUMS - - -Why is life the greatest of all conundrums? Because we must all give it -up. - -When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When its soldiers are -all in quarters. - -Which is swifter, heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch cold. - -Why is a young lady like a letter? Because if she isn’t well stamped the -mails (males) won’t take her. - -Why are dudes no longer imported into this country from England? Because -a Yankee dude ’ll do (Yankee doodle doo). - -What flowers can be found between the nose and chin? Tulips (two lips). - -Why is a dude’s hat like swearing? Because it is something to avoid. - -How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to by the English prayer-book? -Sixteen: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. - -Why is a bright young lady like a spoon in a cup of tea? Because she is -interesting (in tea resting). - -Why does a young man think his sweetheart is like a door-knob? Because -she is something to adore (a door). - -Why is the emblem of the United States more enduring than that of -France, England, Ireland, or Scotland? - - The _Lily_ may fade and its leaves decay, - The _Rose_ from its stem may sever, - The _Shamrock_ and _Thistle_ may pass away, - But the _Stars_ will shine forever. - -Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it needs two heads and an -application. - -What is the shape of a kiss? Elliptical. - -Why is a kiss like gossip? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. - -When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle does it make? A rebus. - -What is it George Washington seldom saw, God never saw, and we see every -day? Our equals. - -What is better than God, worse than the devil, the dead live on, and the -living would die if they lived on? Nothing. - -Prove by logic that an oyster is better than heaven. Nothing is better -than heaven; an oyster is better than nothing; therefore an oyster is -better than heaven. - -What is the difference between a honeymoon and a honeycomb? One is a big -sell, the other little cells. - -Why is a man who makes pens a wicked man? Because he makes men steel -(steal) pens and then says they do write (right). - -What is the difference between a lady and an apple? One you have to get -side her to squeeze, and the other you have to squeeze to get cider. - -Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of in Shakespeare? Macbeth, -because he did murder most foul. - -Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during the week? Because during the -week you get it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by the choir. - -Which death would you prefer to die, Joan of Arc’s or Mary Stuart’s? -Most people prefer Joan of Arc’s, because they like a hot steak better -than a cold chop. - -What great writer’s name might you appropriately mention if you were -standing by the grave of Bob Ingersoll? Robert Burns. - -What three great writers names might you think of if you were watching a -house burn down? Dickens, Howett, Burns. - -If you were invited out to dinner and on sitting down to the table saw -nothing but a beet, what would you say? That beet’s all. - -Give a definition of love. An inward inexpressibility and an outward -alloverishness; or, the classical definition of a collegiate is, “Love -is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fusion of the intellect, -sensibility, and will.” - -When is charity like a top? When it begins to hum. - -Why is a man sometimes like dough? Not because a woman needs (kneads) -him, but because he is hard to get off of her hands. - -Why does a minister always say “dearly beloved brethren” and not refer -to the sisters? Because the brethren embrace the sisters. - -What part of a ragged garment resembles the Pope’s title? Its Holiness. - -Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor alike? Because they have both -stopped quacking. - -When is the best time to read from the book of nature? When the spring -opens the leaves and the autumn turns them. - -In what liquid does the Queen of England take her medicine? In cider -(side her). - -Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side, -then turns around and lies on the other. - -Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? Because they press their suits. - -When is a man of greatest use at the dinner-table? When he is a spoon. - -What is the difference between a rejected and an accepted lover? One -misses the kisses and the other kisses the misses. - -What is the difference between a church deacon and a little -rag-a-muffin? One passes the sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the -passer. - -Why is a lover like a knocker? Because he is bound to adore (a door). - -In what colored ink should we write our secrets? In violet (inviolate). - -Why is a young lady like an arrow? Because she can’t go off without a -bow (beau), and is in a quiver till she gets one. - -If a young lady fell into a well why couldn’t her brother help her out? -Because, how could he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too? - -If all the women went to China, where would the men go? To Pekin. - -Why does a Russian soldier wear brass buttons on his coat, and an -Austrian soldier wear steel ones? To keep his coat buttoned. - -What is the difference between an old penny and a new dime? Nine cents. - -How is the best way to make a coat last? To make the trousers and vest -first. - -What word of four syllables would a man utter if he should eat his wife -and wanted to express his approbation of the deed? Gladiator (glad I ate -her). - -Why does a cat look on first one side and then another when she enters a -room? Because she can’t look on both sides at the same time. - -Why is a widower like a young baby? Because he cries a great deal the -first six months, looks around the second six months, and has hard work -to get through his second summer. - -Why is Philadelphia more subject to earthquakes than any other city? -Because she is a Quaker city. - -Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irishman rolling down a hill? -Because he’s patroling (Pat rolling). - -If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, in what order would they -come? They would all get there down to _S_, and the rest would come -after _T_. - -What would contain all the snuff in the world? No one nose (knows). - -Why is a hound like a man with a bald head? Because he makes a little -hare (hair) go a long ways. - -What is the first thing a man sets in his garden? His foot. - -Who were the first astronomers? The stars, because they have studded the -heavens ever since the creation. - -When may you be said to imbibe a piano? When you have a piano for tea -(pianoforte). - -When may bread be said to be alive? When it has a little Indian in it. - -Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit half dollar passed on him want -to get married? To get a better half. - -Why does a sculptor die a most horrible death? Because he makes faces -and busts. - -Why do we generally dub a city her or she? Because about a city there is -so much bustle and because she has outskirts. - -Why does a hair-dresser die a sad death? Because he curls up and dies -(dyes). - -Why are washwomen great flirts? Because they wring men’s bosoms. - -If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two in -the shade. - -Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is a zephyr, a zephyr is a -yarn, a yarn is a story, a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an -attachment is love, and love is blind; therefore, the winds are blind. - -Why is a married man like a fire? Because he provokes his wife by going -out at night. - -Why is a pig’s brain larger than any other animal’s? Because he has a -hog’s head full. - -Where was the first Adams Express Company located? In the Garden of -Eden, when Eve was created. - -What is the difference between a young lady and a mouse? One charms the -he’s, the other harms the cheese. - -Why are men like facts? Because they are stubborn things. - -What is the difference between a gardener and a Chinaman? One keeps the -lawn wet, the other keeps the lawn dry (laundry). - -Why is a young lady’s age after she has reached twenty-five like a -floral wedding bell? Because it is never told. - -When is a door not a door? When it’s an egress (a negress). - -Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she deals in precious tones -(precious stones). - -When is a bee a great nuisance? When it is a humbug. - -A New Yorker asks: What popular book could the two cities, New York and -Philadelphia, be compared to? The _Quick or the Dead_. - -Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than in winter? Because in winter -he wears a fur coat and in summer he wears a coat and pants. - -Why is it more dangerous to go out in the spring than any other time of -the year? Because in the spring the grass has blades, the flowers have -pistils, the leaves shoot, and the bullrushes out. - -What is the difference between a hill and a pill? One is hard to get up, -the other is hard to get down. - -Why is a lazy dog like a hill? Because he is a slow pup (slope up). - -A man and goose once went up in a balloon together, the balloon burst -and they landed on a church steeple, how did the man get down? Plucked -the goose. - -Why is a man riding up a hill like a man taking a young dog to a lady? -Because he is taking a gallop up (gal a pup). - -Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man? Because he is always looking -down in the mouth and dams all his patients. - -What is the difference between a king’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald -head, and an orphan? A king’s son is the heir apparent, a monkey’s -mother is a hairy parent, a bald head has no hair apparent, and an -orphan has nary a parent. - -If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices -current of their pies? The pie rates of Penn’s Aunts (Pirates of -Penzance). - -What celebrated man in English history might you name if you wished to -tell your servant to replenish the fire in your grate? Philip the Great -(fill up the grate). - -A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep and one died, how many -remained? Nineteen. - -What is the difference between an Irishman on a bleak mountain-top and a -Scotchman? One is kilt with the cowld and the other is cowled with the -kilt. - -If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what would the wood come to -burned on them for one month? Come to ashes. - -What is the difference between Niagara Falls and Queen Elizabeth? One is -a wonder, the other is a Tudor. - -What is a soldier’s definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. - -Why is it easy to break into an old man’s house? Because his gait (gate) -is broken and his locks are few. - -What word of only three syllables combines in it twenty-six letters? -Alphabet. - -Where can one always find happiness? In the dictionary. - -When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U and I -are one. - -Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence -of young ladies? Because he calls every miss a mith. - -What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans. - -Why are your eyes like friends separated by the ocean? Because they -correspond but never meet. - -Why is a lady who faints in a public place like a good intention? -Because she needs carrying out. - -What is the brightest idea in the world? Your eye, dear. - -What animal drops from the clouds? The rain, dear (reindeer). - -I went out walking one day and met three beggars; to the first I gave -ten cents, to the second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I gave -but five—what time of day was it? A quarter to three. - -What is that which by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? Noise. - -Why is a hen immortal? Because her son never sets. - -What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge. - -What will impress the ear more sharply than a falsetto voice? A false -set of teeth. - -What is that which is put on the table and cut, but is never eaten. A -pack of cards. - -What is the oldest table in the world? The multiplication table. - -Which river is the coldest? The Isis (ice is). - -Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew till late and -destroy patience (patients). - -Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no other -man has furnished so many stock quotations. - -How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears an -entire costume, the other wears simply a coat and pants. - -Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache like a cow’s tail? Because he -grows down. - -Why is a professional thief very comfortable? Because he usually takes -things so easy. - -When is a man obliged to keep his word? When no one will take it. - -Why is an attractive woman like a successful gambler? Because she has -such winning ways. - -Why is the food one eats on an ocean steamer like a difficult conundrum? -Because one is obliged to give it up. - -Why are stout men usually sad? Because they are men of sighs (size). - -Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? -Because they are doing unto each other as they would that men should do -unto them. - -What is the difference between a woman and an umbrella? You can shut an -umbrella up. - -Why would it be very appropriate for a man named Benjamin to marry a -girl named Annie? Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she Annie-mated. - -Why is this continent like milk? Because it’s ours (it sours). - -What is the color of the winds and waves in a severe storm? The winds -blew (blue), the waves rose. - -Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually -selling that which he kneads himself. - -What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet -done? Stop a minute. - -How can you by changing the pronunciation of a word only turn mirth into -crime? By making man’s laughter manslaughter. - -Why is a room full of married people like an empty room? Because there -is not a single person in it. - -Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The -state of matrimony. - -Which nation produces the most marriages? Fascination. - -When is a horse like a house? When he has blinds on. - -Why is a bridegroom often more expensive than a bride? Because the bride -is given away, but the bridegroom is often sold. - -Why is divinity the easiest of all professions? Because it is easier to -preach than to practice. - -When is love deformed? When it is all on one side. - -What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to -dress, and the other dresses to kill. - -When was B the first letter in the alphabet? In the days of No-a (Noah). - -How can I remove A from the alphabet? B-head it. - -Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. - -Why is modesty the strongest characteristic of a watch? Because it -always keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works. - -Why is it right for B to come before C? Because we must B before we can -C. - -Why are two t’s like hops? Because they make beer better. - -What kind of sense does a girl long for in a disagreeable suitor? -Absence. - -Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the head of a pair of stairs? -Because it sometimes runs down. - -Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. -Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi). - -What key in music would make a good officer? A sharp major. - -What is the key-note to good manners? B natural. - -Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp? Because he is A flat. - -What do ladies look for when they go to church? The Sams (psalms) and -hims (hymns). - -Why are married men like steamboats? Because they are sometimes blown -up. - -What ship contains more people than the “Great Eastern”? Courtship. - -Why is a ship like a woman? Because she is often tender to a man-of war; -often running after a smack; often attached to a buoy (boy); and -frequently making up to a peer (pier). - -Why do women make good post-office clerks? Because they know how to -manage the mails (males). - -Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it is intended to keep the -chaps away. - -If a pair of andirons cost $7.75, what would a ton of coal come to? To -ashes. - -What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses. - -Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it is seldom seen after Lent. - -On what day of the year do women talk the least? The shortest day. - -What is that which every living person has seen, but will never see -again? Yesterday. - -What is the difference between dead soldiers and repaired garments? The -former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead). - -Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping -into his shoes? Because you make his feet yours (features). - -Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough -before he gets another. - -Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? The -note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you -take it out again you see it increases. - -What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a -fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. - -Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon wheel? Because she is surrounded -by felloes (fellows). - -When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the -reading-desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the -congregation. - -What is the difference between form and ceremony? You sit upon one and -stand on the other. - -What is the most awkward time for a train to start? 12.50, as it’s ten -to one if you catch it. - -Why can negroes be safely trusted with secrets? Because they are sure to -keep dark. - -Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal? Because he always has his back -up. - -Why are doctors bad characters? Because the worse people are the more -they are with them. - -Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unladylike thing when she married the -late Lord Ragland Somerset? Because she turned a Somerset. - -Why can the world be compared to music? Because it is so full of sharps -and flats. - -Why does a goose go into the water? For diver’s reasons. - -Why does a goose come out of the water? For sun-dry reasons. - -Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse? Because the more you lick it -the faster it goes. - -Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage-stamp? Because you lick him -with a stick and stand him in the corner. - -Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the centre of -bliss, while E is in hell and all the others are in purgatory. - -What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there -is a mile between the first and last letter. - -Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their -next world (necks twirled) in this. - -Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted? Because it is unlawful to -condemn a man without a hearing. - -Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred horse? Because he’s -a perfect brute. - -What is that which you can keep after giving to some one else? Your -word. - -Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and -defective. - -Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns. - -Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean? Because it contains many currants. - -Who may marry many a wife and still be single all his life? A clergyman. - -Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Because it once had a Solon (sole -on). - -Why are washerwomen great travelers? Because they are continually -crossing the line and running from pole to pole. - -What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is. - -What is a common miracle in Ireland? Waking the dead. - -Why are bachelors bad grammarians? Because when asked to conjugate they -invariably decline. - -When could the British Empire be purchased for the lowest sum? When -Richard the Third offered his kingdom for a horse. - -What is the largest room in the world? The room for improvement. - -Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette? Because there is -always room for one more to be taken in. - -When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a -roll in bed. - -Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other dealers? Because it won’t -do for them to crack up their goods. - -What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to -a lady? A husband. - -Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? Because he -requires bailing out. - -When does a ship tell a falsehood? When she lies at the wharf. - -When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? When he discovers a new -star. - -What is the difference between a mother and a barber? The latter has -razors to shave and the former has shavers to raise. - -Why are pianos noble characters? Because they are grand, upright, and -square. - -What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicated? Toasts. - -When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When it’s rung for dinner. - -Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world? Because it never shows the -white feather. - -Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold? Because sometimes the ayes -(eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose). - -Why are some girls like old muskets? Because they use a good deal of -powder, but won’t go off. - -What kind of medicine does a man take for a scolding wife? He takes an -elixir (an’ he licks her). - -Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing. - -What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid -of sixty? One is happy and careless, and the other is cappy and -hairless. - -Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both occasioned -the fall of man. - -What is most like a hen stealing? A cock-robin. - -If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to get another? To -a grog-shop, because bad spirits are retailed there. - -Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port -in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her). - -Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store like a house on fire? -Because it starts all the bells (belles) in the city. - -Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because of -the sand which is (sandwiches) there. - -How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his -followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard). - -If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? -Chaucer (chaw, sir). - -Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his -business makes him sell fish. - -When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman. - -Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline -matrimony. - -Why can a blind man always see his father? Because the father is always -apparent (a parent). - -What does Washington, D. C., stand for? Washington, daddy of his -country. - -Why was a defeated candidate after the late election, like the earth? -Because he was flattened at the poles. - -When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon. - -What ailment is the oak most subject to? A corn (acorn). - -Why does a horse eat in a very odd way? Because he eats best when he has -not a bit in his mouth. - -What is the only organ without stops? A woman’s organ of speech. - -Give an Irishman’s definition of a lake. A hole in the tay-kettle. - -Why is man superior to woman? Because woman is only a side issue. - -Why is a lady when sick at sea like some of our literary men? Because -she is a contributor to the _Atlantic_. - -Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? “Because she is a joy -(jaw) forever.” - -What is the proper length for a young lady to wear her dress? A little -above two feet. - -Why is a man who never bets as bad as a gambler? Because he is no bettor -(better). - -When is a cigar like dried beef? When it is smoked. - -What table has no legs to stand upon? The multiplication table. - -How do young ladies sometimes show their dislike to mustaches? By -setting their faces against them. - -Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? Because -there are three scruples to a dram. - -Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it’s down in -the mouth. - -What is that which we often return, but never borrow? Thanks. - -What animals are always seen at funerals? Black kids. - -What is the difference between a French pastry cook and a bill sticker? -One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs. - -Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it’s so low -(solo). - -Why is a dog biting his tail like a good manager? Because he makes both -ends meet. - -Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by day? Because at night he is -let out, and in the day he is taken in. - -Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man -had one kilt before the battle. - -At what game do the waves of the sea play? At pitch and toss. - -Why are fowls the most economical things a farmer can keep? Because for -every grain they give a peck. - -What is the difference between a pitcher of water and a man throwing his -wife over a bridge? One is water in the pitcher, the other is pitch her -in the water. - -When is a young lady not a young lady? When she’s a sweet tart -(sweetheart). - -What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears). - -Why should architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at -drawing houses. - -What weapon does a young man use if he kisses a young lady by mistake? A -blunderbuss. - -What is the difference between an auction and seasickness? One is a sale -of effects, the other the effects of a sail. - -What should a clergyman preach about? About a half of an hour. - -Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it. - -What kind of a cat do we usually find in a large library? A cat alogue. - -What sea would a man like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic). - -Why was the French Empress always in bad company? Because she was always -surrounded by Paris-ites. - -When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). - -When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent). - -What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel. - -Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever erected? Because it was -partly built for one sovereign, and finished for another. - -What is the difference between a cradle and the grave? The one is for -the first-born, the other for the last bourne. - -How is an elephant’s head different from every other head? Because, if -you cut his head off from his body, you don’t take it from the trunk. - -Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he -prefers “zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer.” - -Which is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, because he is -killed and then cured. - -Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey? Because it was far-fetched and -full of nonsense. - -If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? -Tre-mend-us. - -What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they’re ashes -still. - -What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou, and it -wilted. - -When is a large river good for the eyes? When it’s eye (high) water. - -What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours -with rain, the other roars with pain. - -What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a net. - -What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames, which runs -between Chel-sea and Batter-sea. - -What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One -baits his hook, the other hates his book. - -What is that which you break by even naming it? Silence. - -When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists. - -What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because -they’re Arno boats there. - -What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. - -What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard -up, the other is soft down. - -What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at -pleasure the other plays at leisure. - -Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can’t make them here -(hear). - -Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a -living. - -What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to wish for? One that blows fowl -and chops about. - -What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does -not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. - -Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy proceeding? Because it makes it -hollow. - -What is that from which you may take away the whole and still have some -left? The word wholesome. - -When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed. - -Why is English grammar like gout? Because it’s torture (taught yer). - -Give a good definition of a button. A small affair that is always coming -off. - -What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That recorded -of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a -window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. - -What is the difference between a choir master and a lady’s dress? The -one trains a choir, the other acquires a train. - -Why has a great gymnast very wonderful digestion? Because he lives on -ropes and poles and thrives. - -What is a singular and melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he -could recite his poems but could not resight himself. - -Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United States. - -What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? One gathers -what he sows, the other sews what she gathers. - -What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, -the other gives way (whey). - -Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes -(close) of the week. - -Why is an actress like an angel? Because we seldom see one that is not -painted. - -At what time by the clock is a pun most effective? When it strikes one. - -What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many -answers? The door-bell. - -What kind of a book do some men wish their wives might resemble? An -almanac, for then they could have a new one every year. - -Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you -pass through. - -Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hardware -(wear). - -Why is a list of celebrated musical composers like a sauce-pan? Because -it is incomplete without a Handel. - -In what key should a man propose to his sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B -minor). - -When a church is burning, what is the only part that stands no chance at -all of being saved? The organ, because the engine can’t play upon it. - -Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster? Because we cannot enjoy it -without crackers. - -When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly. - -If all the seas were dried up, what would old Neptune say? I really -haven’t an ocean (a notion). - -Why is the letter A like twelve o’clock? Because it comes in the middle -of day. - -Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, although always first -in pity, he is always last in help. - -What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a thousand -years? The letter M. - -Why are butchers thieves? Because they steal a knife and cut away with -it. - -Why should a man troubled with the gout make his will? Because he will -then have his leg at ease (legatees). - -Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful friend? Because, although you may -load his back with silver, he will reflect on you. - -What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? The -former talk without reflecting, the latter reflect without talking. - -Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast steel (Castile). - -On what supposition could pocket handkerchiefs build a house? If they -became brick (be cambric). - -Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds? Because you never -know the value of either until they are put under ground. - -When does a man always have brown hands? When he’s tand’em driving. - -What is that which is seen twice in “every day” and four times in “every -week,” yet only once in a year? The vowel e. - -Which are the only two words in the English language where the five -vowels follow in successive order? Facetious and abstemious. - -What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? -Oroonoko. - -What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding another -syllable to them? Quick and short. - -What word composed of five letters can you take the first two letters -from and have one remain? Stone. - -Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of -letters? Disproportionableness. - -What relation is a child to its own father when it is not its own -father’s son? A daughter. - -What is the difference between the milky way and a room full of -great-grandfathers? One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale -pas. - -What was it a blind man took at breakfast which restored his sight? He -took a cup and saw, sir (saucer). - -Why are pipes all humbug? Because the best of them are all meer-shams. - -Why is a meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and -colors beautifully. - -If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what fruit would you be reminded -of? A pair. - -What is that which a cat has, but no other animal? Kittens. - -What are the features of a canon? Cannon-mouth, cannon-ize, and -cannon-eers. - -Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven. Twice ten is twenty, and -twice eleven is twenty-two (twenty, too). - -What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without -transposing a letter? Herein—he, her, here, ere, rein, in. - -When is a teapot like a kitten? When you’re teasin’ it (tea’s in it). - -Why is a portrait like a member of Congress? Because it is a -representative. - -Why is a madman like two men? Because he is a man beside himself. - -Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The wind—“Over -the Hills and Far Away.” - -Why is an unbound book like a person in bed? Because it is in sheets. - -Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgotten? Because it is out -of the head. - -What is the difference between a glass of water and a glass of whiskey? -Ten cents. - -Why is a paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags. - -Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables? Because it is all -heart. - -Why is an intoxicated man like a noun adjective? Because he seldom -stands alone. - -Why is a clergyman’s horse like a king? Because he is guided by a -minister. - -Why is a man in a garret committing murder like a good man? Because he -is above committing a bad action. - -Why was the Parliament of the Commonwealth like Samson? Because it -overthrew a house of lords. - -Why is an avaricious man like one with a short memory? He is always for -getting. - -What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its -root upward? An icicle. - -Why is a blacksmith’s apron like a convent? Because it keeps off the -sparks. - -Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket-book? Because she is clasped. - -Why is a wick of a candle like Athens? Because it is in Greece (grease). - -Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey? Because it contains the ashes -of the grate (great). - -Why is a handsome woman like bread? Because she is often toasted. - -What is that which a coach cannot move without, and yet is not of the -least use to it? Noise. - -What does a stone become when in the water? A whetstone (wet stone). - -When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine minutes past twelve? -When he is just going to strike one. - -If you were obliged to swallow a man, what kind of a one would you -prefer to swallow? A little Dublin porter. - -What question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? What does -y-e-s spell? - -What four letters of the alphabet would frighten a thief? O I C U (oh! I -see you). - -Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly? Because he is just ice -(justice). - -What is the difference between a new five-cent piece and an old -fashioned quarter? Twenty cents. - -Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the -law? He goes into the law to get on, he remains in the law to get oner, -he retires from the law to get onest. - -What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle? Buy a little medicine and get -a vial in. - -Speak only two letters and thus name the destiny of all earthly things? -D. K. - -Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the desert island? Because there -was a heavy swell on the beach and a sandy cove running up the shore. - -Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar? Because it makes the -butter-fly. - -What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and -a thumb? A glove. - -Barnum drove a ten-in-hand through New York city, and his horses had -only twenty-four feet among them; how was that? They had twenty fore -feet. - -What trade does the sun follow in the month of May? Mason (May sun). - -Of what trade are all the Presidents of the United States? -Cabinet-makers. - -Of what trade is a minister at a wedding? A joiner. - -Of what occupation is a manager of a theatre? A stage-driver. - -What miss is that whose company no one ever wants? Mis-fortune. - -What misses are those whose days are always unlucky? Mis-chance and -mis-hap. - -What miss is always making blunders? Mis-take. - -What misses are of a very jealous temper? Mis-give and mis-trust. - -When is it no misfortune for a young lady to lose her good name? When a -young man gives her a better one. - -When does a dentist do the most work? When he extracts several acres -(achers). - -Why is an umbrella a paradox? Because it is best when used up. - -What happens when a light falls into the water at an angle of forty-five -degrees? It goes out. - -What great surgical operation does the manufacturing of maple-sugar -remind you of? Tree panning. - -In what way do women ruin their husbands? In buy-ways. - -Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers of endurance? Because he holds on -to the last. - -What part of the face resembles a schoolmaster? The eyelid, because it -always has a pupil under the lash. - -Why is it that you and I must never dine together? Because U can never -come until after I. - -What profession is a postman? He is a man of letters. - -At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable -kingdom? When long experience has made him sage. - -Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in -fun. - -Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish, or Englishmen? Englishmen. In -Scotland there are men of Ayr; in Ireland men of Cork, but in England -are lightermen. - -When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is adrift. - -What ’bus has found room for the greatest number of people? Columbus. - -Which is heavier, a half or a full moon? The half, because the full moon -is as light again. - -What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date. - -When is a man like a frozen rain? When he is hail (hale). - -When is a lady’s arm not a lady’s arm? When it is a little bare (bear). - -Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not a tall black. - -Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied? Because nothing -satisfies him. - -Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to -be taken up. - -Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky manufactory? Because it is -a secret still. - -Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they make a -noise whenever they are told. - -Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us? Because we call them -to take us in. - -What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at -the end of its paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. - -Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns the greatest thieves in her -Majesty’s service? Because they rifle all the guns, forge the materials, -and steel all the gun breeches. - -How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson of three words? Never lend -them. - -Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admitted for -her cheek. - -Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because they both profess an attachment to -the crown. - -What trade is like the sun? A tanner’s. - -What is an extra dry subject? A mummy. - -What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable woman shopping. - -Why are hogs like trees? Because they root for a living. - -Why is the moon like a marriage contract? Because it governs the tide. - -Why do girls kiss each other and men not? Because girls have nothing -better to kiss, and men have. - -What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork? You’re too pointed. - -What composer is most noted of modern times? Chloroform. - -What is better than to give credit to whom it is due? Give the cash. - -Which musical instrument is the most moral? An upright piano. - -What is the difference between a dog’s tail and a rich man? One keeps a -wagging and the other keeps a carriage. - -How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suiter from other men? He married -his wives and axed them afterward. - -Why does a man’s hair generally turn gray sooner than his mustache? -Because it is about twenty-one years older. - -When did George Washington first take a carriage? When he took a hack at -the cherry-tree. - -What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary. - -Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating her boy? Because it is a -hiding of the son. - -How can a man make his money go a long way? By contributing to foreign -missions. - -Why is a person reading these conundrums like a man condemned to undergo -a military execution? Because he is pretty sure to be riddled to death. - -Where can one always find pleasure and happiness? In the dictionary. - -During the month of heavy showers, how has the umbrella been -persistently bluffing the game? It has been “put up or shut up” with it -all the while. - -When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory. - -Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a -successful newspaper? His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be -tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a Sunday supplement. - -When is money damp? When it is due in the morning and missed at night. - -What killed Julius Cæsar? Roman punches. - -How does the postage-stamp have the advantage of the small boy? It can -never be licked but once. - -Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh’s daughter? They -saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks. - -Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you -in with an open countenance. - -Why are chemists and alchemists both of the feminine gender? Because one -is an analyzer (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte Ann). - -How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark? Because he had Ham. - -My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my third is a nickname, -and my whole is a bird. Whip-poor-will. - -Why is sympathy like blind man’s buff? Because it is a fellow feeling -for a fellow mortal. - -Why does the air seem fresher in winter than it does in summer? Because -it’s kept on ice most of the time. - -Why are fish well educated? They have a taste for going in schools. - -What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. - -Why is the letter S like thunder? It makes our cream sour cream. - -Which is the easier way to commit suicide, by taking laudanum or -drowning? Ether (either) is good. - -Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest piece of property in England? -Because it was bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign. - -What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn? -One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern. - -Why are records brittle things? Because they cannot be lowered without -breaking. - -What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one -and stand on the other. - -Why is a door in the potential mood? It’s would (wood) or should be. - -What is the difference between a man going up stairs and one looking up? -One is stepping up the stairs, the other staring up the steps. - -Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are -all over due. - -What is there remarkable about a yard-stick? Though it has no head or -tail, it has a foot at each end and one in the middle. - -If a man shot at two frogs and killed one, what would the other one do? -Croak. - -What makes the waves so wild? It is having the wind blow them up. - -Why are apples like printer’s types? Because they are often in pi(e). - -My first denotes equality, my second, inferiority, and my whole -superiority. Matchless. - -Why are fatigued persons like a wagon wheel? Because they are always -tired. - -Why is a tin can tied to a dog’s tail like death? Because it’s bound to -a cur (occur). - -Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her -weeds. - -Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline -matrimony. - -Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old? Because, having -eyes, they see not, and having ears they hear not. - -Why are blind persons compassionate? Because they feel for other -persons. - -Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when exposed to -the fire they run. - -Why is Satan always a gentleman? Because, being the imp of darkness he -can never be imp-o’-light. - -How much earth is in a hole 3¼ × 6½ ft.? None. - -Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? Because she sends off the -sparks, transports the mails, and has a train following her. - -What is the cheapest feature of the face? Nostrils, two for a scent -(cent). - -Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy? Because they are men of -size (sighs). - -When does the rain become too familiar to a lady? When it begins to -pat-her (patter) on the back. - -What relation is a door mat to a door step? A step farther. - -Why is a baker like some very disreputable people? Because he’s a loafer -and a white-cap. - -How many of your relatives live on your property? Ten-aunts (tenants). - -What is the difference between a dime dated 1899 and a new dollar? -Ninety cents. - -Why is a beehive like a spectator? Because it is a beeholder (beholder). - -What are the most unsociable things in the world? Mile-stones, for you -never see two of them together. - -When does a regiment undergo an operation? When deprived of its arms. - -What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard? A pig-sty. - -What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a -sculptor? One curls up and dies and the other makes faces and busts. - -Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone? -Because they never saw it. - -What is majesty deprived of its externals? (M) a jest (Y). - -Why is a good speller of a spelling match like a glass of champagne? -Because they both go to the head. - -When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When fond of his club. - -Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his gross profits? Because they -are always net. - -What will make pies inquisitive? S will make spies of them. - -Why is an empty purse expressive of constancy? Because you find no -change in it. - -When can donkey be spelt with one letter? When it’s “U.” - -Why is a tennis player like a society youth of limited means? He is -obliged to miss the ball when it comes high. - -Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty girl like a man going up Mt. -Vesuvius? Because he is trying to get at the mouth of the crater. - -Why should a housekeeper never put the letter M into her refrigerator? -Because it will change ice into mice. - -What’s the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? He was a -wonder, and she was a Tudor. - -Why is the letter R indispensable to friendship? Because without it your -friends would be fiends. - -Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them? -K N (cayenne). - -What is the difference between a funny fellow and a butcher? One deals -out wit, the other wit-tles. - -Why should cocks be the smoothest birds known? Because they always have -a comb about them. - -What insect does a blacksmith manufacture? He makes the fire-fly. - -When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little radish (reddish). - -When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in -the service. - -Why is love like a potato? Because it shoots from the eyes and gets less -by pairing. - -Why are young men like telescopes? Because you can draw them out, see -through them and shut them up again. - -Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late, and -destroy patients (patience). - -What is the difference between a woman and a parasol? You can shut a -parasol up. - -Why is Sunday the strongest day in the week? Because the rest are week -days. - -Why is a needle one of the most persistent of forces? It always has an -eye open for business, and invariably carries its point. - -When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. - -Why are soldier’s guns always safe? Because every one of them has a -lock. - -When is a man not a man? When he’s a shaving. - -Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like a tallow candle? Because he -will smoke when he is going out. - -When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy -for a pupil. - -Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars -invariably run over sleepers. - -What instrument of war does an angry lover resemble? A cross bow. - -My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, and my whole is part -of a ship. Cab-in. - -What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt. - -What tricks are most common among New York policemen? Patricks. - -Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving or Christmas week? There is -always a Turkey in it. - -Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one? -Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it. - -Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment the ladies? Because the -pressure makes him flatter. - -Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes). - -What’s the difference between photographing and the whooping cough? One -makes fac similes, the other makes sick families. - -What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That which goes into a mite’s -mouth. - -What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? A kitten. - -Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because it didn’t answer. - -Born at the same time as the world, destined to live as long as the -world, and yet never five weeks old. The moon. - -Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins). - -My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for, my whole is a -State of America. Tennes see. - -Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff? Because we wish her to lay -on. - -Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the centre of light. - -Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off. - -Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because -when purchased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cel-lar. - -Why would it be hard on ministers to preach without notes? Because their -families would suffer without the greenbacks. - -In what sort of syllables should a parrot be taught to speak? In polly -silly-bills. - -My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an -inhabitant of the deep. Her ring. - -What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato? None. One is -a bee-holder; a bee-holder is a speck’d ’tatur, and a speck’d ’tatur is -a bad potato. - -What cannot be called a disinterested act of hospitality? Entertaining a -hope. - -Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your eye? Because he’s a pupil -under the lash. - -When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly in love? When attached -to a boy (buoy.) - -My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my whole is a flower. -Prim-rose. - -Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note? Because when once changed it -soon goes. - -What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a -hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander. - -What fruit is the most visionary? The apple of the eye. - -What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving? -The railroad. - -What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they -compose? Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes. - -Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote from one another? Because, -although they may correspond, they never meet. - -Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for cattle? Because she keeps her -Stock-holm. - -Without my first my second could never have existed, and my whole is as -old as creation. Sun-day. - -When is a gun like a dismissed servant? When it is discharged and goes -off. - -What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older. - -What should you do if you split your sides with laughter? Run till I got -a stitch in them. - -What is the difference between a young girl and an old hat? Merely a -difference of time—one has feeling and the other has felt. - -What herb is most injurious to a lady’s beauty? Thyme. - -Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? -Because it is a place of haughty culture (horticulture). - -What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock -is wound up it goes; when a firm is wound up it stops. - -How do you know when night is nigh? When the t (tea) is taken away. - -Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things. - -If a dog should lose his tail where would he get another? At -Wanamaker’s, where everything is retailed. - -Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster? He -keeps his pupils in darkness. - -Why is early grass like a penknife? Because the springs bring out the -blades. - -Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the focus of a sun glass? It’s a -place where the sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet). - -Why is a real estate man not a man of words? Because he is a man of -deeds. - -Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber? Because it’s -between two seas. - -What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She pulled his ears and trod on his -corn. - -Why are some singers like cheese curds? Because they require to be -pressed. - -Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what’s done cannot be -helped. - -Why is a woman like the telegraph? Because she is always in advance of -the mail intelligence. - -What article that we wear is most affectionate? A porous plaster, -because it becomes very much attached to us. - -Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because he takes the pledge but -cannot always keep it. - -Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? It says widow’s mite -(might). - -Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods? Because no bad -spirits are permitted to enter them. - -Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it). - -Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off -in transports. - -How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover? She is always followed -by a night (knight). - -Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because they are kept down by tax -(tacks). - -Why is the world like a slate? Because the children of men do multiply -thereon. - -Why is a defeated army like wool? Because its worsted. - -What is the centre of gravity? The letter V. - -What three letters turn a girl into a woman? A-g-e. - -Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every -millionaire sure to be? A capital fellow. - -What belongs to yourself, and is used by your friends more than by -yourself? Your name. - -When is a soldier like an old toper? When he re-treats. - -Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because he rarely appears until the -storm is over. - -What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? The milkmaid -skims the milk, the swallow skims the water. - -Why is a man’s face shaved in January like a celebrated fur? Because -it’s a chin-chilly. - -What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but -died without a soul? The whale that swallowed Jonah. - -What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? -One uses wax candles—the other dips. - -When is a doctor most annoyed? When he is out of patients. - -Why is a poor acquaintance better than a rich one? A friend in need is a -friend indeed. - -What is there remarkable about a bee? Why, ordinarily it has but little -to say, yet generally carries its point. - -Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because -it’s a little ahead of the main hatch. - -How many persons can a deaf and dumb man tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight -(gesticulate). - -What is the easiest way to keep water out of the house? Omit to pay your -water tax. - -What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have -pistils. - -What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform. - -What is the best uniform for a soldier? Right dress. - -When does a dog become larger and smaller? When let out at night, and -taken in in the morning. - -What prescription is best for a poet? A composing draught. - -Why does a bay horse never pay toll? Because his master pays it for him. - -Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in -sauciness. - -What is the best way to keep a man’s love? Not to return it. - -When is a soldier a wagon maker? When he makes a wheel. - -Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? Meet for rejoicing. - -How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced when he got married? He -became Mrs. Dewey’s second mate. - -Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s -farthest from the bark. - -Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams. - -What workman never turns to the left? A wheelwright. - -Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go. - -When are weeds not weeds? When they become widows. - -What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of -body. - -Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied? Because he rises rapidly in -the world and has excellent prospects. - -What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? The -letter A, because it makes her hear. - -What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green. - -How does water get into the watermelon? The seed is planted in the -spring. - -Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the -press at his back. - -What subject can be made light of? Gas. - -If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation is Dick to John? His -grandson. - -When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it’s chased. - -When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it -has a hole in it. - -Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die -sinking. - -Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans? Because they are two -tonics (teutonics). - -Why should the proof-reader of a printing establishment be considered -the best read man going? Because there’s proof that he reads every hour -of the day. - -When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little pats. - -If all the money in the world was divided equally among the people what -would each one get? An equal share. - -What are the most difficult ships to conquer? Hard-ships. - -Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich -ones? A poor girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without -either she cannot bank account (a count). - -Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to -each of them. - -Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has neither beginning -nor end. - -What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would -arrest him if he did not move on? I’d just like to see you. - -What is the difference between a drinker and a smoker? One is a -Bacchanalian and the other a tobacconalian. - -When Homer called the sea barren, why did it illustrate the age in which -he lived? Because it was before Cecrops (sea crops). - -What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, -the other gives way (whey). - -Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky man? Because he is always the -thirteenth at table. - -What is the difference between a life of leisure and a life of idleness? -They are the same thing, only different titles. - -What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a -word of two syllables? Plague; ague. - -A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome: whichever way it is read, -it is the same. Civic. - -What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It -must work or it can’t play. - -Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then -thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family. - -Who is it that always has a number of movements on foot for making -money? A dancing master. - -In what respect does a piano lamp resemble a society-club man? It has a -good deal of brass about it, requires much attention, is not remarkably -brilliant, is sometimes unsteady upon its legs, liable to explode when -only half full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at bed-time, -and is bound to smoke. - -How can hunters find their game in the woods? By listening to the bark -of the trees. - -Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers when he handles the lines -behind a fine, well-matched pair of horses? Because they are such a -spanking pair. - -What is that which is sometimes with a head, without a head, with a -tail, and without a tail? A wig. - -Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report. - -What is more wonderful than a horse that can count? A spelling bee. - -Why are tallest people the laziest? Because they are always longer in -bed than others. - -Who was the most successful financier mentioned in the Bible? Noah, -because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was -in liquidation. - -What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a -fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. - -Why is a college student like a thermometer? Because he is graduated and -marked by degrees. - -What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird. - -Why don’t they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Because -they can’t get a nickel out of a copper. - -Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a (k)nightly occupation. - -Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? He forms lasses into classes. - -Why don’t the Boers wash themselves? Because they are waiting to get a -good licking from the English. - -Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises from the yeast. - -When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When its sat-in. - -When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. - -When is a soldier like a king? When he appears with his pomp-on. - -What object is walking over the water and under the water, yet does not -touch the water? A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a pail of -water on her head. - -Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is an internal transport. - -When does a chair dislike you? When it can’t bear you. - -Why is a duel quickly managed? Because it takes only two seconds to -arrange it. - -What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax. - -Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title. - -What class of women are most apt to give tone to society? The belles. - -What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never -lies in it? A river. - -Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it is worsted. - -What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a -ship? One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity -of rocks. - -What is that which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes -is a woman and often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast. - -Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be -foul language. - -Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is red (read). - -Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? Because they usually begin -with little drops. - -What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? A noise. - -Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a -gal-on (gallon). - -Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly -polished but very hollow. - -Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible -means of support. - -What islands would form a dainty and cheerful luncheon for a party? -Sandwich and Madeira. - -What must a good surgeon have to be successful? He must have an eagle’s -eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand. - -Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because it attacks the joints. - -If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become! -Sin. - -Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you -would be making game of him. - -Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady -flame. - -Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Because he keeps the game -alive. - -When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? Co-in-side -(go inside). - -Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? Because it is always -on the Spree. - -Which is the favorite word with women? The last one. - -Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Because he travels by -cycles (bicycles). - -Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys never have it; girls have it -but once; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she -married Pat Murphy she never had it again? The letter L. - -Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence? Because they steel -their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their -dresses. - -Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has -confidence in all that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all he -hears. - -When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds -it. - -What did the managing editor say when the horticultural editor said he -had cultivated hothouse lilac bushes that attained a height of over -fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) that. - -Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill. - -What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady. - -Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. - -Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the -waves on the seashore? Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied). - -What bird is rude? The mocking bird. - -Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop? Because it shaves -the green. - -When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little -Indian in it. - -Why are ships like fortunes? Because they are built on stocks. - -How does a soldier know when it is time to fight? When he sees a -battle-me(a)nt. - -At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage. - -What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? -Acquiescence. - -When is a soldier like a horse? When he draws a load. - -Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Because you never knew -a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than -others did. - -Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they scintillate (sin -till-late). - -Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? They are both hardly done. - -Why is a man happier with two wives than with one? He may be happy with -one, but with two he is nearly sure to be transported. - -Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful places in the world? Because -it’s always on the rock, but never moves. - -Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails -(males) are tied up in bags. - -Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate one? It embraces -everything. - -What best describes and most impedes a Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A -Bunyan (bunion). - -When is a lady’s hair like the latest news? When it’s in the papers. - -Why is a very old umbrella, that has been lost, as good as new when -found? Because it’s re-covered. - -Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because he holds the reins. - -Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels? To save -their soles (souls). - -Who was the most successful surveyor on record? Alexander Selkirk, for -he was monarch of all he surveyed. - -Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner. - -Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will. - -What is one of the rules of war? That it is death to stop a cannon ball. - -Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when -we make application for a copy of our portrait, they always reply with a -negative. - -What cord is that which is full of knots, which no one can untie, and -which no one can tie? A cord of wood. - -Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question or the one who -answers? The one who asks, because he is the querist. - -When does the wind most resemble a bookseller? When it keeps stationary -(stationery). - -What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? It will give you many -good points. - -Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers? Because they -write about face. - -I went into the woods and caught it, I sat down to look for it, and then -I went home with it because I could not find it. A sliver. - -Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is -never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is -completely wound up. - -Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? The old adage says, out of sight -out of mind. - -How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a -stranger and he took him in. - -When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. - -Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop? Because it contains fowl-in -pieces. - -Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because it is the end of it that -people enjoy most. - -What is the fruit of finance? Current coin. - -How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale? He was down in the mouth, -and went to blubber. - -Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it. - -Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter. - -Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays -at the same time. - -Whose best works are most trampled on? The shoemaker, because good shoes -last longer than bad ones. - -When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the -preserves. - -Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because they do a great deal of -coupling. - -When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an -understanding between them. - -Why is a jailer like a musician? Because he fingers the keys. - -Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s -past-your-age (pasturage). - -Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is -the drawing room. - -Why should a man never tell his secrets in a corn field? Because so many -ears are there, and they would be shocked. - -What part of a fish weighs most? The scales. - -When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he makes a cart-ridge on the -road. - -Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp -sheets. - -What fruit does a newly married couple resemble? A green pear (pair). - -Can you tell the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the -moment. - -Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity’s the sole of it. - -Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue Books?” Because they are -never re(a)d. - -Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot -be plain. - -Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on -the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at -last. - -Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at -the sound of wo. - -What city is drawn more frequently than any other? Cork. - -Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of -faults. - -Why should an artist never be short of cash? If he knows his business he -can always draw money. - -What do we often catch yet never see? Passing remarks. - -Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their -kisses. - -What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the -occupant when it does? The rent. - -What three acts comprise the chief business of a woman’s life? Attract, -contract, and detract. - -Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from -going too far. - -Why are some of our officers like a dancing master’s toes? Because they -must be turned out. - -What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues. - -Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law. - -If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would -leave first? D would begin the descent. - -When you listen to a drum why are you a good judge? Because you hear -both sides. - -Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in -audible. - -Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because they both run. - -If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him? A widow’s -mite. - -Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? Her coachman. - -Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a woman’s hand? Because it -was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe). - -What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you -may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi). - -Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together? -Because the dog puts down three and carries one. - -When is a house like a bird? When it has wings. - -What moral lesson does the weather cock teach? It is vane to a-spire. - -When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance. - -When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. - -What are the embers of the expiring year? Nov-ember and Dec-ember. - -How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By foul means. - -When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII -dissolved the Pope’s bull. - -Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? Because he carries his -calves there. - -Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Because -summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow). - -Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot take? Yes, a hint. - -Why do American soldiers never run away? They belong to a standing army. - -Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve his pace? It makes him -fast. - -What is it that a man, no matter how smart he is, overlooks? His own -nose. - -What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper. - -Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo -went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin. - -Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have -eyes to see what they are doing. - -A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two -ducks; how many ducks were there in all? Three. - -What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? X-p-d-n-c -(expediency). - -Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it is a -tip-top apple. - -How many fathers has a man? Nine: his father, his godfather, his -father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers. - -Why would a spider appear to have wings? Because it often takes a fly. - -Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? It is bound to the country with -the strongest ties. - -What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? For a man to revolve in his -own mind. - -Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is the greatest of modern -composers. - -Do women like to see themselves in print? No; they prefer silk or satin. - -Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a -living. - -Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? The scissors grinder. - -Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because -it’s a little ahead of the main hatch. - -Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you, -you can shut it up without giving offense. - -Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the -press at his back. - -What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen. - -Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you -play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves. - -When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? -When at the opera, as then they are in tiers. - -Why should a minister be believed? Because he is nearly always accurate -(a curate). - -Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers -a horn to everybody he meets. - -What should be looked into? A mirror. - -Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has -Greece on the bottom. - -I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not -be home without me. Letter O. - -How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to -Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile. - -Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become -a little horse (hoarse). - -In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart, -a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his. - -When is a new dress older than an old one? When it’s more (moire) -antique. - -What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip. - -Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of -bad notes. - - I am the first, and one of seven, - I live betwixt the seas and heaven; - Look not below, for I am not there, - My home is in the ancient air. - Come to my second, behold how fair - I am, how bright and how debonair; - A pleasant vision and a beauty, - A thing of life and joy and duty; - My youth is changed—I live alone, - My views are crossed—my hopes are gone; - My whole is sorrow, grief and woe, - My singing now is all heigh-ho. - A lass (alas). - -What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental (pay-rental). - -When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mourning -(morning). - -Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their -tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard. - -Why is a book like a king? Because it has many pages. - -When are two apples alike? When pared. - -When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it -create a great continental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey, -the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of -China. - -What time should an inn keeper visit a foundry? When he wants a -bar-maid. - -Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common -’tatur (commentator). - -Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the -owner of many tales and they all come out of his head. - -What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they -are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster. - -What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle. - -What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except -by sticking at it? Bill-posting. - -Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out? Because she has -not a spark left. - -In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel. - -Why are bells used to call people to church? Because they have an -inspire-ring influence. - -What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands -still? The road. - -What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It -vanishes into the empty heir (air). - -When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. - -When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged. - -Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because he often rises to spout. - -Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Because it is -bound by close ties. - -What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries. - -What is that which increases the more it is shared by others? Happiness. - -What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait. - -When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried? When he stands a -loan. - -What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? There is no time when -its days are not numbered. - -What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters; because they -die-just (digest) before they are eaten. - -Who are the men who have made their mark? Those who can’t write. - -Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place? Because he is out -of the heat. - -Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? Because they confine a deer -(dear). - -Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The -multiplication table. - -What is the debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature. - -When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in -the service. - -Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent weapon? Because it first cuts a -tree down and then cuts it up. - -Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people? Because he is a host -himself. - -Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Because it becomes a -woman. - -Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point. - -If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick -it up? Because you may be arrested for passing it. - -Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns. - -Why is love always represented as a child? Because it never reaches the -age of discretion. - -What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Whis-key. - -Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet’s -father? Because he could a tail unfold. - -Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it’s part-ridges. - -When is a dog most like a human being? When he is between a man and a -boy. - -How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell Oh! (yellow). - -Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient -ground for remaining. - -Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant’s Causeway? -There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one -of the reasons. - -Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them. - -Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it -is done with the pen. - -When does a man feel girlish? When he makes his maiden speech. - -What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One -irons your linen; the other steals it. - -What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife -to return? Catches it when he gets home. - -What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint. - -What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan. - -How can you make a tall man short? Borrow money of him. - -Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are -stationary (stationery). - -Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he -would always have a cataract in the eye. - -What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle. - -What is that, which though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink. - -Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring? Because the bullrush -is out, the cowslips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have -pistils, and the little twigs are shooting. - -Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers. - -Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Because it has a -dozen mouths. - -Why is the fly the best one among the grocers’ customers? Because, when -he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot. - -Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a -soar point with him. - -Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because no matter where he finds -himself he always has his cue. - -What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Fly-paper. - -In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to -each other? They are brothers—brothers-in-law. - -Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy. - -Why do men go out of the theatre? Because some plays are so solemn that -the men have to go out to smile. - -Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is infirm. - -What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the -other breaks hearts. - -What is the difference between man and butter? The older a man gets the -weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is. - -When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When he crossed the Rhine and went -back to bridge it (Bridget). - -What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite. - -How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one -crown. - -Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil. - -Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because -he is sea-cured (secured). - -When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor. - -Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. - -What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your -private history is repeated by your neighbors. - -When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats -to a bar. - -If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a three-wheeled wagon is a -tricycle, what would you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of course. - -Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways. - -What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait). - -What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can -sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness. - -How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high -time after dark. - -When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide. - -What is always behind time? The back of a clock. - -What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine). - -What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy? One is a -strong will and the other is a strong won’t. - -Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world? -A true balance, or pair of scales. - -What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland. - -Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia? -Because it has not had a nap in ten years. - -Why are spiders good correspondents? Because they drop a line by every -post and at every house. - -What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive. - -What is the sure sign of an early spring? A cat watching a hole in the -wall with her back up. - -A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you -do in everything—excel (XL). - -Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table? Char-i-table. - -Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it -in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you -find it. - -Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because it is fur to the end of it. - -What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head. - -If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been? -“Ben-Hur.” - -What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot -in his tail and call it a pig’s tie. - -Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring. - -Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Baron (barren) -figtree. - -If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of -stationery would he get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.) - -What is a good thing to part with? A comb. - -If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you? -Your mother. - -Why is a pig the most provident of all animals? Because he always -carries a spare-rib about him. - -Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like a bird’s nest? Because it -was built by a wren (Sir Christopher Wren). - -For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted? -For dentistry, because they have a good pull. - -Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she -returns to dust. - -Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? -Because he does a driving business. - -What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink. - -Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work -without an auger (augur). - -What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch. - -Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard. - -What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary. - -Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well. - -Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because -she’s a-mountin’. - -What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O -(Scipio). - -Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one -reign there in over fifty years. - -Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is -sweet but unrefined. - -Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away -pleasantly and then all at once boil over. - -What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses. - -Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood -will tell. - -Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A -clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices. - -How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs -in front and two behind. - -How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through. - -When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning. - -What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind. - -Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its -insides would really be read. - -Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is -two gross. - -When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray. - -Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re -always for-getting something. - -What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The -letter E. - -Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it -is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue. - -What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are. - -Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act. - -When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring. - -What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock. - -What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table? -Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley -fragments. - -When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient. - -What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier. - -What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is -hollowed in, the other is halloaed out. - -When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s -giving a swimming lesson. - -What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A -sculptor. - -What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one. - -How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do -better, they start on a small scale. - -When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack. - -What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine. - -What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives? -Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural. - -When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself. - - If a well known animal you behead, - Another one you will have instead. - Fox (f-ox). - -Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds? He is -pat-rolling. - -Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? She has not much on’er in her -own country. - -Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer, and -the other is a sure horse. - -When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell -the hour to begin dancing? At ten-dance (attendance). - -What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? Wheeling, West -Virginia, on the Ohio. - -What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says -nothing about it. - -Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? She’s a good looking -lass. - -When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in -quarters. - -Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the -spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay). - -Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by -the directions of strangers. - -What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake. - -What is the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer? One sells -watches and the other watches cells. - -Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are -continually practicing at the bar. - -What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? -Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous.) - -What motive had the inventor of railways in view! A loco-motive. - -With what do the mermaids tie up their hair? With a marine band. - -What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle tree. - -What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe) -of the Apostles. - -Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is -continually taking notes. - -Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my back and I am nobody. A -looking-glass. - -What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? -John Knox. - -Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter? Because he gives the -players a cue. - -Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? Because he chiseled the -Greek slave out of her clothes. - -Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes. - -What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys -it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know -it? A coffin. - -Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every -suit. - -When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to “all.” - -What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? -A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell -affair. - -Why is a young lady like a promissory note? Because she ought to be -settled when she arrives at maturity. - -What is that which always goes with its head downward? A nail in your -shoe. - -Why is a man just put in prison like a boat full of water? Because he -wants bailing out. - -What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for -bidding. - -Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he -is very poor clay and should be fired. - -Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures. - -When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with -him? Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections -in his pockets. - -What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each -of his children? Parents. - -When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is all dough”? When it does not -have a good batter. - -Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg -you lose something to boot. - -What key in music will make a good officer? A sharp major. - -Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Because they killed the -prophets (profits). - -What is political economy? Splitting your vote. - -What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it? Flattery. - -What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The twelve months; they all try -us. - -What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An -army. - -What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her -watch? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes -one forget them. - -Why is an egg like a colt? Because it is not fit for use until it is -broken. - -Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball? -Because both look worn out when they lose their nap. - -What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge. - -When does a cook break the game law? When she poaches eggs. - -Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because he smokes when -he is going out. - -What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? It sings sweetest when it is -hottest. - -Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper? Because -you put your foot in it. - -Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning -ways. - -Why is the leading horse in a wagon team like the acceptor of a bill? -Because he’s the end horse, sir (endorser). - -What money brings the most substantial interest? Matri-mony. - -What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese actor loses his head? He is -pretty sure to lose his cue at the same time. - -Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping -into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). - -Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we cannot make it -out. - -Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his mother’s government like a -rainbow? Because it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign. - - - - - BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS - - -Who was the first man spoken of in the Bible? Chap. I (chap first). - -Who was the first woman spoken of in the Bible? Genesis (Jennis Sis). - -At what time of day was Adam created? A little before Eve. - -Spell “Adam’s Express Company” with three letters. E-v-e. - -What one word in the Bible represents the father calling his son and the -son’s answering? Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad). - -Who was a very short man spoken of in the Bible? Nehemiah (knee-high -Miah). - -Who was the strongest man spoken of in the Bible? Jonah, because the -whale couldn’t keep him down. - -Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the Bible? Samson, because he -brought the house down filled with his enemies. - -Who was the shortest man spoken of in the Bible? Beldad the Shuhite -(shoe height). - -Where was paper currency spoken of first in the Bible? Where the dove -left the ark and brought a green back. - -Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although the -ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch). - -Who took the first newspaper? Cain took A Bell’s (Abel’s) Life, and -Joshua countermanded the Sun. - -What proof have we that Moses was the most wicked man who ever lived? -Because he broke the Ten Commandments all at once. - -How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel (able). - -Where was æstheticism first spoken of in the Bible? Where the Lord made -Balaam’s ass to utter. - -When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve -presented Adam with a little Cain (cane). - -What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin. - -Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam, because he was first in -the race. - -When did Moses sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his fore fathers. - -The following is a good sell if properly led up to: Who was the first -man? Adam? Who was the first woman? Eve. Who killed Cain? The answer -will very likely be Abel. - -What did Job’s wardrobe consist of? Three wretched comforters. - -What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve which -read backward and forward the same? Madam, I’m Adam. - -Why was the first day of Adam’s life the longest? Because it had no Eve. - -How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o’ dice was -taken away from them. - -What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the -expulsion? Adam aint in (adamantine). - -What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from Eden? They raised -Cain. - -Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife. - -Why was Eve made? For Adam’s express company. - -Who was the straightest man mentioned in the Bible? Moses, because -Pharaoh made a ruler of him. - -What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain. - -Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. - -Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him with a -stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before. - -Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Bible? The widow’s -mite and the wicked flee. - -How is it that Methusalah was the oldest man when he died before his -father? His father was translated. - -How many soft boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat on an empty -stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty. - -What was the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah’s ark? One was Maid -of Orleans, the other was made of wood. - -Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head. - -Why was Eve not afraid of the measles? Because she’d Adam (had ’em). - -What church did Eve belong to? Adam thought her Eve-angelical. - -What two animals carried the least into the ark? The fox and cock, -because they carried only a brush and comb between them. - -Who had the first entrance into a theatre? Joseph, when he was taken -from the family circle and put into the pit. - -In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? In -the ark. - -What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He -took a fresh one. - -Who first introduced salt meat into the navy? Noah, when he took Ham -into the ark. - -What animal took most baggage into the ark? The elephant, who took his -trunk. - -What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears). - -What man mentioned in the Bible had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun. - -What reason have we to think that Moses wore a wig? Because he was -sometimes seen with Aaron and sometimes without ’Air on (hair on). - -Why was Noah like a hungry cat? Because he went forty days and forty -nights without finding Ararat. - -If Solomon was the son of David and Joab was the son of Zeruiah what -relation was Zeruiah to Joab? His mother. - -NOTE.—Most persons will answer “his father,” not remembering that -Zeruiah was a woman. - -If “Moses was the son of Pharaoh’s daughter,” then he must have been the -daughter of Pharaoh’s son. - -NOTE.—Most persons will say that it was impossible for Moses to have -been a daughter, etc. It will aid in understanding it to connect the -words thus: “daughter-of-Pharoah’s son.” - - - - - POETICAL CONUNDRUMS - - - Legs I have, but seldom walk; - I backbite all, yet never talk. - - A flea. - - - I came to a field and couldn’t get through it; - So I went to a school and learned how to do it. - - Fence. - - - My first I hope you are, - My second I see you are, - My whole I know you are, - - Wel-come. - - - My first’s a dirty little brute, - My second’s at the end on’t; - My third like many an honest man, - Is on a fool dependent. - - Pig-tail. - - - By equal division—I know I am right— - The half of thirteen you’ll find to be eight. - - VIII - XIII ———— VIII. - ΛIII - - - My number, definite and known, - Is ten times ten told ten times o’er; - One-half of me is one alone, - The other exceeds all count and score. - - Thou-sand. - - - There’s a word composed of three letters alone, - Which reads backwards and forwards the same; - It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, - And to beauty lays principal claim. - - Eye. - - - The cat did my first with a curl of her tail, - When the game she had made quite secure - By means of my second and not of my whole, - As she ought to have done, I am sure. - - Pur-chase. - - - Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, - Who is that highly favored man, - Who though he has married many a wife, - May still live single all his life? - - A clergyman. - - - Can you tell me why a hypocrite’s eye - Can better descry than you or I, - On how many toes a pussy cat goes? - A man of deceit can best count-er-feit; - And so, I suppose, can best count her toes. - - - Without my first you’d look very strange, - My second you much want to be; - My whole is what many a lady has worn, - At a ball, an assembly, or play. - - Nose-gay. - - - Two letters often tempt mankind, - And those who yield will surely find - Two others ready to enforce - The punishment that comes of course. - - X-S and D-K (excess and decay). - - - My first doth affliction denote, - Which my second is destined to feel. - My whole is a sweet antidote - That affliction to soothe and to heal. - - - Wo-man! - - - My first of anything is half, - My second is complete; - And so remains until once more - My first and second meet. - - Semi-circle. - - - My first makes company, - My second shuns company, - My third assembles company, - My whole puzzles company. - - Co-nun-drums. - - - Safe on a fair one’s arm my first may rest, - And raise no tumult in a husband’s breast; - To those who neither creep, nor run, nor fly, - The want of legs my second will supply. - My whole’s a rival of the fairest toast, - And when I’m liked the best I suffer most. - - Muf-fin. - - - What is that which is - The beginning of eternity, - The end of time and space, - The beginning of every end, - The end of every race? - - Letter E. - - - Your initials begin with an A, - You’ve an A at the end of your name, - The whole of your name is an A, - And its backward and forward the same. - - Anna! - - - We are airy little creatures, - Each have different forms and features; - One of us in glass is set, - Another you will find in jet; - A third, less bright, is set in tin, - A fourth a shining box within; - And the fifth, if you pursue, - It will never fly from you. - - Vowels. - - - My first a baby does when you pinch it; - My second a lady says when she doesn’t mean it; - My third exists and no one e’er has seen it; - And my whole contains the world’s best half within it. - - Cri-no-line. - - - Formed long ago, yet made to-day, - I’m most employed while others sleep; - What none would like to give away, - Yet no one likes to keep. - - Bed. - - - What’s that? What’s that? Oh! I shall faint, - Call, call the priest to lay it! - Transpose it, and to king and saint, - And great and good you pay it. - - Spectre; respect. - - -How shall the following be read? - - Yy u r yy u b - I c u r yy 4 me. - - ANSWER.— - Too wise you are, - Too wise you be; - I see you are - Too wise for me. - -How shall the following be read? - - U o a o, but I o thee; - O o no o, but O o me; - Then let my o thy o be - And give o o I o thee. - - ANSWER.— - You sigh for a cipher, but I sigh for thee; - Oh! sigh for no cipher, but oh! sigh for me; - They let my cipher thy cipher be; - And give sigh for sigh, for I sigh for thee. - - -How shall the following stanza be read that it may be true? - - There is a lady in the land - With twenty nails on each hand, - Five-and-twenty on hands and feet, - This is true without deceit. - - ANSWER.— - There is a lady in the land - With twenty nails; on each hand - Five, and twenty on hands and feet, - This is true without deceit. - - - - - FRENCH CONUNDRUMS - - -Je suis le capitaine de vingt-quatre Soldats, et sans moi Paris serait -pris. - - The letter A. - - -Pourquoi les amateurs du beau sexe vont-ils souvent à l’hippodrome? - - Afin d’être en cirque assis. - - -Quelle différence y-a-t-il entre le souverain de la Perse et le Viceroi -d’Egypte. - -C’est que l’un est chat (Shah) et l’autre pas chat (Pacha). - - -Quel est le peuple le moins gai de l’univers? - -Le peuple Persan, parce qu’il est gouverné par un Schah (chat), et que -le schah fait fuir les souris. - - -A French friend wishes to know: Vai ze Keeng ov Eatalee ees laike von -seengair at ze opera oo ees loozeng ess voice? - -Parce qu’il a perdu sa voix (Savoie). - - -Pourquoi les Carthaginois portaient-ils toujours des gants? - -Parce qu’ils n’aimaient pas l’air aux mains (les Romains)! - - -Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro vingt-cinq. - -Quand il est neuf et très étroit (et treize et trois)! - - -Un félon peut-il prendre pour devise,—“Honneur à Dieu”? - -Non, car il faut qu’il dise,—“Adieu, honneur!” - - -Je ne suis pas ce que je suis; car si j’étais ce que suis, je ne serais -pas ce que je suis, cependant je suis ce que je suis; devinez ce que je -suis? - -Un domestique qui suit sa maîtresse. - - - - - ARITHMETICAL PUZZLES - - -Write eleven thousand eleven hundred and eleven. - - METHOD.— 11,000 + 1,100 + 11 = 12,111. - - -What four United States coins will amount to fifty-one cents? - -ANSWER.—Two twenty five cent pieces and two half cents. - - -Place three 6’s together so as to amount to 7. - - METHOD.— 6-6/6 = 7. - - -Place three 2’s together so as to make 24. - - METHOD.— 22 + 2 = 24. - - -Place three 3’s together so as to make 24. - - METHOD.— 3^3 - 3 = 24. - - -Take one from nine and make it ten. - -METHOD.—Write nine thus, IX; take away the I we have X. - - -Add one to nine and make it twenty. - -METHOD.—Nine is IX; cross the I we have XX. - - -Prove that one taken from nineteen leaves twenty. - -METHOD.—Take the I from XIX, and we have XX. - - -Make four straight lines and then add five straight lines and make ten. - - METHOD.— | | | | ; TEN. - - -Prove that the half of eleven is six. - -METHOD.—In XI draw a line thus, - - VI - ——, - ΛI - -the upper half is VI. - - -Prove that one added to twenty is nineteen. - - METHOD.—Add I to XX we have XIX. - - -What number of three figures multiplied by 8 will make exactly 10? - - ANSWER.— 1¼ or 1.25. - - -Does the top of a carriage-wheel move faster than the bottom? If so, -explain the reason. - -ANSWER.—The top always moves faster than the bottom. - - -Which is greater, and how much, six dozen dozen or a half a dozen dozen; -or is there no difference between them? - - The former. - - -Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? - -ANSWER.—The pound of feathers, because it is weighed by Avoirdupois -weight, while gold is weighed by Troy weight. - - -Take fifty, add a cipher, add five, add the fifth of eight, and the -total is the sum of human happiness. - - ANSWER.—LOVE. - - -Six ears of corn are in a hollow stump; how long will it take a squirrel -to carry them all out if he takes out three ears a day? - -REMARK.—The “catch” is on the word ears. He takes out two ears on his -head and one ear of corn each day; hence, it takes six days. - - -How to prove, by mathematical principles, that two unequal numbers are -equal, as 4 = 2. - -METHOD.—All will admit that 8 - 8 = 4 - 4. Divide both of these by 2 - -2, and the quotient will be equal. Thus, - - (8 - 8) (4 - 4) - —————— = ——————, or 4 = 2 - (2 - 2) (2 - 2) - - -Supposing there are more persons in the world than any one has hairs on -his head; then there must be at least two persons who have the same -number of hairs on their head to a hair. Show how this is. - - -Place 17 little sticks—matches for instance—making 6 equal squares, as -in the margin. Then remove 5 sticks, and leave three perfect squares of -the same size. - - +---+---+---+ - | | | | - +---+---+---+ - | | | | - +---+---+---+ - -ANSWER.—The method of doing this is indicated below this answer. - - +---+ - | | - +---+---+---+ - | | | | - +---+ +---+ - - -A and B have an 8 gallon cask full of wine, which they wish to divide -into two equal parts, and the only measures they have are a 5-gallon -cask and a 3-gallon cask. How shall they make the division with these -two vessels? - -METHOD.—First fill the 3-gallon cask from the 8-gallon cask; then pour -these 3 gallons into the 5-gallon cask; then fill the 3-gallon cask -again, and fill the 5-gallon cask from the 3-gallon cask; this will -leave 1 gallon in the 3-gallon cask; then empty the 5-gallon cask into -the 8-gallon cask, pour the 1 gallon from the 3-gallon cask into the -5-gallon cask, and fill the 3-gallon cask from the 8-gallon cask. There -will then be 4 gallons in the 8-gallon cask. - - -Two men in an oyster saloon laid a wager as to which could eat the most -oysters. One ate ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred, and won. How -many did both eat? - -REMARK.—The catch is on a hundred and _won_. When spoken it sounds as if -it meant “one ate ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred and one;” -hence, the result usually given is two hundred. The correct result is -one hundred and ninety-nine. - - -If a room with 8 corners had a cat in each corner, seven cats before -each cat, and a cat on each cat’s tail, what would be the whole number -of cats? - -ANSWER.—Eight cats. - - -Tell a person to think of a number, multiply by 3, multiply the product -by 2, divide the result by 6, add 20, subtract the number thought of, -divide by 4, and then tell him what his result is. - -METHOD.—The result will be five. The reason is clear. By multiplying by -3 and 2 and dividing by 6 he has obtained the number thought of. Add 20, -he has the number thought of, plus 20; then subtract the number thought -of, and he has twenty. Now I know he has twenty; hence, I can tell him -what he has if he divides by 4. - - -A farmer having an ox-chain consisting of 15 links, broke it into five -equal parts, and took it to a blacksmith to be welded together. The -blacksmith agreed to repair it for 50 cents for each welding; but when -he presented his bill he charged for four weldings, making the bill -$2.00. The farmer objected to the bill, saying that it should have been -repaired with only three weldings. How was it to be done? - -METHOD.—Each piece consisted of three links; cut open the three links of -one piece and use these to connect the other four pieces of the chain. - - -Think of a number, multiply by six, divide by three, add forty, divide -by two; name the result, and I will name the number thought of. - -METHOD.—Multiplying by six and dividing by three gives twice the number; -add forty we have twice the number, plus forty, divide by two we have -once the number, plus twenty; hence, if I subtract twenty from the -result he gives me I have the number thought of. - - -Let a person select a number greater than 1 and not exceeding 10. I will -add to it a number not exceeding 10, alternately with himself; and, -although he has the advantage in selecting the number to start with, I -will reach the even hundred first. - -METHOD.—I make my additions so that the sums are 12, 23, 34, 45, etc., -to 89, when it is evident I can reach the hundred first. With one who -does not know the method, I need not run through the entire series, but -merely aim for 89, and when the secret of this is seen aim at 78, then -67, etc. - - -Think of a number of 3 or more figures, divide by nine, and name the -remainder; erase one figure of the number, divide by 9, and tell me the -remainder and I will tell you what figure you erased. - -METHOD.—If the second remainder is less than the first, the figure -erased is the difference between the remainders; but if the second -remainder is greater than the first, the figure erased equals 9, minus -the difference of the remainders. - - -Let a person think of any number on the dial face of a watch. I will -then point to various numbers, and at each he will silently add one to -the number selected, until he arrives at twenty, which he will announce -aloud; and my pointer will then be on the number he selected. - -METHOD.—I point promiscuously about the face of the watch until the -eighth point, which should be on the “12.” I then pass regularly around -toward the “1” pointing at “11,” “10,” “9,” etc., until “twenty” is -called, when my pointer will be over the number selected. - - -Take _nine_ from _six_ and _ten_ from _nine_ and _fifty_ from _forty_, -and _six_ will remain. - - SIX IX XL - IX X L - —— —— —— - S I X - - -Two-thirds of six is nine, one-half of twelve is seven, the half of five -is four, and six is half of eleven. - -METHOD.—Two-thirds of SIX is IX, the upper half of XII is VII, the half -of FIVE is IV, and the upper half of XI is VI. - - -Two men have 24 ounces of fluid which they wish to divide between them -equally. How shall they effect the division, provided they have only -three vessels; one containing 5 oz., the other 11 oz., and the third 13 -oz.? - -METHOD.—The method is similar to the division of 8 gallons in the -question on page 78. - - -Three persons own 51 quarts of rice, and have only two measures; one a -4-quart, the other a 7-quart measure. How shall they divide it into -three equal parts? - -METHOD.—One-third of 51 is 17; so each must have 17 quarts. To measure -17 quarts fill the 7-quart measure twice and pour into some large -vessel, making 14 quarts; then fill the 7-quart measure, draw off 4 -quarts in the 4-quart measure, and then pour the remaining 3 quarts in -the vessel containing the 14 quarts. - - -Think of a number composed of two unequal digits, invert the digits, -take the difference between this and the original number, name one of -the digits and I will name the other. - -METHOD.—The sum of the digits in the difference is always nine; hence, -when one is named the other equals 9, minus the one named. - - -Take any number, consisting of three consecutive digits and permutate -them, making 6 numbers, and take the sum of these numbers, divide by 6, -and tell me the result and I will tell you the digits of the number -taken. - -METHOD.—The quotient consists of three equal digits; the digits of the -number taken are: 1st. one of these equal digits; 2d. this digit -increased by a unit; 3d. this digit diminished by a unit. The same -principle holds when the digits of the number taken differ by 2, 3, or -4. It is a very pretty problem to prove that the sum is always divisible -by 9 and 18. - - -Take any number, divide it by 9, and name the remainder. Multiply the -number by some number which I name, and divide the product by 9, and I -will name the remainder. - -METHOD.—To tell the remainder, I multiply the first remainder by the -number by which I told them to multiply the given number, and divide -this product by 9. The remainder is the second number obtained. - - -Think of a number greater than 3, multiply it by 3; if even, divide it -by 2; if odd, add 1, and then divide by 2. Multiply the quotient by 3; -if even, divide by 2; if odd, add 1, and then divide by 2. Now divide by -9 and tell the quotient without the remainder, and I will tell you the -number thought of. - -METHOD.—If _even_ both times, multiply the quotient by 4; if even 2d and -odd 1st, multiply by 4 and add 1; if even 1st and odd 2d, multiply by 4 -and add 2; if odd both times, multiply by 4 and add 3. - - -Suppose it were possible for a man in Cincinnati to start on Sunday -noon, when the sun is in the meridian, and travel westward with the sun -so that it might be in his meridian all the time. Now it was Sunday noon -when he started, it has been noon with him all the way round, and is -Monday noon when he returns. The question is, at what point did it -change from Sunday noon to Monday noon? - - -Take any number, subtract the sum of the digits, strike out any digit -from the remainder, tell me the sum of the remaining digits, and I will -tell you the digit struck out. - -METHOD.—Subtract the “sum of the remaining digits” from the smallest -multiple of nine greater than “the sum.” The remainder will be the digit -struck out. - - -In the bottom of a well, 45 feet deep, there was a frog which commenced -traveling toward the top. In his journey he ascended 3 feet every day, -but fell back 2 feet every night. In how many days did he get out? - -METHOD.—He gains 1 foot a day, and in 42 days he is 3 feet from the top; -and on the 43d day he reaches the top. - - -Think of any three numbers less than 10. Multiply the first by 2 and add -5 to the product. Multiply this sum by 5 and add the second number to -the product. Multiply the last result by 10 and add the third number to -the product; then subtract 250. Name the remainder and I will name the -numbers thought of and in the order in which they were thought of. - -METHOD.—The three digits composing this remainder will be the numbers -thought of: and the order in which they were thought of will be the -order of hundreds, tens, and units. - - -If a man had a triangular lot of land, the largest side being 136 rods, -and each of the other sides 68 rods; what would be the value of the -grass on it at the rate of $10 an acre? - -REMARK.—The “catch” in this is that the sides given will form no -triangle. - - -Says A to B: “Give me four weights and I can weigh any number of pounds -not exceeding 40.” Required the weights and the method of weighing. - -ANSWER.—The weights are 1, 3, 9, and 27 pounds. In weighing we must put -one or more in both scales, or some in one scale and some in another: -thus, 7 lbs. = 9 lbs. + 1 lb. - 3 lbs. - - -Three men traveling with their wives came to a river which they wished -to cross. There was but one boat and but two could cross at one time; -and since the husbands were jealous no woman could be with a man unless -her own husband was present. In what manner did they get across the -river? - -METHOD.—Let the persons be denoted A, B, and C, and Mrs. A, Mrs. B, and -Mrs. C. First Mr. A and Mrs. A go over; then A comes back and Mrs. B and -Mrs. C go over; then Mrs. A comes back and Mr. B and Mr. C go over; then -Mr. B and Mrs. B return and Mr. A and Mr. B go over; then Mrs. C returns -and Mrs. A and Mrs. B go over; then Mr. C returns and takes his wife, -Mrs. C, over. - - -A man having a fox, a goose, and some corn came to a river which it was -necessary to cross. He could, however, take only one across at a time, -and if he left the goose and corn while he took the fox over, the goose -would eat the corn; but if he left the fox and goose, the fox would kill -the goose. How shall he get them all safely over? - -METHOD.—First he takes the goose over, then returns and takes the fox -over, then brings the goose back and takes the corn over, and then -returns and takes the goose over again. - - -How may the 9 digits be arranged in a rectangular form so that the sum -of any row, whether horizontal, vertical, or diagonal, shall equal 15? - -ANSWER.—As below. - - +---+---+---+ - | 4 | 9 | 2 | - +---+---+---+ - | 3 | 5 | 7 | - +---+---+---+ - | 8 | 1 | 6 | - +---+---+---+ - - -How may the first 16 digits be arranged so that the sum of the vertical, -the horizontal, and the two oblique rows may equal 34? - -ANSWER.—As below. - - +----+----+----+----+ - | 1 | 16 | 11 | 6 | - +----+----+----+----+ - | 13 | 4 | 7 | 10 | - +----+----+----+----+ - | 8 | 9 | 14 | 3 | - +----+----+----+----+ - | 12 | 5 | 2 | 15 | - +----+----+----+----+ - - -In what manner may the first 25 digits be arranged so that the sum of -each row of five figures may equal 65? - -ANSWER.—As below. - - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 1 | 10 | 12 | 18 | 24 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 9 | 11 | 20 | 22 | 3 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 13 | 19 | 21 | 5 | 7 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 17 | 23 | 4 | 6 | 15 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 25 | 2 | 8 | 14 | 16 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - - -An old Jew took a diamond cross to a jeweler to have the diamonds reset, -and fearing the jeweler might be dishonest, he counted the diamonds and -found that they numbered 7 in three different ways. Now the jeweler -stole two diamonds, but arranged the remainder so that they counted 7 -each way as before. How was it done? - - Fig. 1. Fig. 2. - 7 7 - 6 7 6 7 - 7 6 5 6 7 5 - 4 4 - 3 3 - 2 2 - 1 1 - -METHOD.—The form of the cross when left is represented by Fig. 1, and -when returned by Fig. 2. It will be seen by the figures how the diamonds -were counted by the old Jew, and how they were arranged by the jeweler, -who “jewed” the Jew. - - -Take 10 pieces of money, lay them in a row, and require some one to put -them together into heaps of two in each heap by passing each piece over -two others. - -METHOD.—Let the pieces be denoted by the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, -9, 10. Then place 7 on 10, 5 on 2, 3 on 8, 1 on 4, and 9 on 6. - - -A man goes to a store and purchases a pair of boots worth $5 and hands -out a $50 bill to pay for them. The merchant, not being able to make the -change, goes over the street to a broker and gets the bill changed and -then returns and gives the man who bought the boots his change. After -the purchaser of the boots had been gone a few hours the broker, finding -the bill to be a counterfeit, comes and demands $50 of good money from -the merchant. How much does the merchant lose? - -REMARK.—At first glance some say $45 and the boots, some $50 and the -boots, some $95 and the boots, and others $100 and the boots. Which is -correct? - - -A vessel with a crew of 30 men, half of whom were black, became short of -provisions and fearing that unless half the crew were thrown overboard -all would perish, the captain proposed to the sailors to stand upon deck -in a row and every ninth man be thrown overboard until half the crew -were destroyed. It so happened that the whites were saved. Required, the -order of arrangement. - -ANSWER.—W W W W B B B B B W W B W W W B W B B W W B B B W B B W W B. -This can easily be proved by trial, using letters or figures to -represent men. - - -Suppose a hare is 10 rods before a hound, and that the hound runs 10 -rods while the hare runs 1 rod. Now, when the hound has run 10 rods the -hare has run 1 rod; hence they are now 1 rod apart, and when the hound -has run that one rod the hare has run 1/10 of a rod; hence they are now -1/10 of a rod apart, and when the hound has run the 1/10 of a rod they -are 1/100 of a rod apart; and in the same way it may be shown the hare -is always 1/10 of the previous distance ahead of the hound; hence the -hound can never catch the hare. How is the contrary shown -mathematically? How far will the hound run to catch the hare. - -ANSWER.—The distance the hound runs will be represented by the series - - 1 1 1 - 10 + 1 + ——— + ——— + ————, - 10 100 1000 - -to infinity. The sum of this series can be found by the algebraic -formula - - _a_ - S = ———————, - (1 - _r_) - -in which _a_ = 10 and _r_ = 1/10. Substituting the value of _a_ and _r_ -we have - - 10 10 - ——————— ————— 100 - S = 1 = 9 = ——— = 11-1/9. - 1 - ——— ——— 9 - 10 10 - -This may be solved more simply as follows: The hound runs 10 times as -fast as the fox, hence 10 times the distance the fox runs equals the -distance the hound runs. Then 10 times the distance the fox runs, minus -once the distance the fox runs, which is 9 times the distance the fox -runs, is 10 rods; and once the distance the fox runs is 1/9 of 10 rods, -or 10/9 rods; and 10 times the distance the fox runs, or the distance -the hound runs, is 10 times 10/9 or 100/9, or 11-1/9 rods. - - -If through passenger trains, running to and from Philadelphia and San -Francisco daily, start at the same hour from each place (difference of -longitude not being considered) and take the same time—seven days—for -the trip, how many through trains will the Pacific Express, that leaves -the San Francisco depot at 9 P. M. Sunday, have met when it reaches the -Philadelphia depot? - -ANSWER.—As the Pacific Express starts from San Francisco, a train which -left Philadelphia the previous Sunday reaches San Francisco, which is -not to be counted as a meeting of trains. There are, however, six other -trains on the way which it will meet. Also, a train starts from -Philadelphia on the same Sunday as the train starts from San Francisco, -another on Monday, another on Tuesday, etc., up to Saturday—that is, -seven trains, all of which it meets, making, with the six trains -previously started, thirteen trains in all which it meets. A train -leaves Philadelphia on Sunday at the same time the Pacific Express -reaches there, but this is not counted as a meeting. - - -A switch siding to a single-track railroad is just long enough to clear -a train of eight cars and a locomotive. How can two trains of sixteen -cars and a locomotive, each going in opposite directions, pass each -other at this siding and each locomotive remain with, and have the same -relative position to its own train after as before passing? - -[Illustration: line drawing] - -ANSWER.—Let one train and its locomotive be denoted by A, and the other -train and locomotive by B, and let the track be denoted by _a b_ and the -siding by _c d_, and suppose train A to be going in the direction of _a -b_, and train B in the direction of _b a_. Then let locomotive B, with -eight cars, run out toward _a_, past _c_, and back up on the siding with -its eight cars; then let train A run out toward _b_, past _c_; then let -B draw its eight cars on to the main track and run out toward _a_; then -let train A back over toward _a_, past _c_, and locomotive A be detached -from train A and run over toward _b_ and connect with the eight cars of -train B and draw them over past _c_, and back them up on the siding, and -then run off the siding and connect again with its own cars and run on -toward _b_, past _c_; then let locomotive B back its eight cars and, -turning on the siding, connect the two halves of its train and move off -past _a_, the train A moving on at the same time past _b_. - - -A and B went to market with 30 pigs each. A sold his pigs at 2 for $1, -and B sold his pigs at the rate of 3 for $1, and they, together, -received $25. The next day A went to market alone with 60 pigs, and, -wishing to sell at the same rate, sold them 5 for $2, and received only -$24. Why should he not receive as much as when B owned half of the pigs? - -ANSWER.—The rate of 2 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $½, and the rate of 3 -pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $⅓; the average rate is 2 pigs for $½ + $⅓, or -$⅚, or 1 pig for $5/12. The rate of 5 pigs for $2 is 1 pig for $⅖. So it -is seen that the reason A did not receive as much is that he sold his -pigs at a less rate than when they both went to market. - - -Two hunters killed a deer and sold it by the pound in the woods. They -had no proper means of weighing it, but knew their own weights—one 130 -pounds and the other 190 pounds. They placed a rail across a fence so -that it balanced with one of them on each end. They then exchanged -places, the lighter man taking the deer in his lap, and the rail again -balanced; what was the weight of the deer? - -ANSWER.—Let the weight of the deer be denoted by D; then, by the -principles of the lever, we have the proportion: - - 130 : 190 = 190 : 130 + D: - Or, 130 (130 + D) = 190 × 190; - Whence, 16900 + 130 D = 36100: - Or, 130 D = 19200; - And, D = 147-9/13. - - -Who can solve the following problem? - - A hundred and one by fifty divide, - And next let a cipher be duly applied, - And if the result you should rightly divine, - You’ll find that the whole makes but one out of nine. - -EXPLANATION.—CI, CLI, CLIO (Clio, the muse of history, one of the _nine_ -muses). - - -Suppose the figure to represent railroad tracks, C D and E F being each -the length of a car or locomotive, and _a_ and _b_ each representing a -car on the track and _c_ representing a locomotive on E F. Now how can -the locomotive change the relative position of _a_ and _b_ so that _b_ -will be on the track where _a_ is and _a_ will be on the track where _b_ -is? - -[Illustration: line drawing] - -ANSWER.—The locomotive _c_ backs _a_ down and out toward A, then runs -over toward B and backs _b_ up on E F, then runs back toward B and goes -over toward A, then runs up C E and draws _b_ down on C E, then runs -over toward A and gets car _a_, draws it over toward B and backs it up -on D E. It can also be readily done by first backing _a_ down on A C and -drawing to and leaving it on C D. - - - - - TALKS - - BY GEORGE THATCHER - - The Celebrated Minstrel - - 140 Pages Paper Binding 25 Cents - - -This unique volume supplies in a most satisfactory way the want that has -heretofore been but indifferently met by the so-called Stump-Speech -books. Mr. Thatcher is without doubt the most popular man in minstrelsy, -his name being known among mirth-loving people everywhere, not only in -America, but beyond the seas. It is most fortunate that the services of -a person so distinguished have been secured for the preparation of this -book, especially since he has put in it his own original matter exactly -as he uses it nightly to convulse his audiences with laughter. The book -contains all his Monologues, Parodies, Songs, Sketches, Poems, Speeches, -Jokes, etc., etc. It will be found invaluable to every humorous reader, -to amateur and professional minstrels, and in addition will prove -interesting reading to any person who is fond of the lighter vein of -literature. - - - - - JOKES - - GATHERED BY - - HENRY FIRTH WOOD - - The Popular Humorist - - ILLUSTRATED - - 150 Pages Paper Binding 25 Cents - - -This attractive little volume is a collection of the brightest, -funniest, and most catchy Jokes of the day. They are all short, some of -them occupying only six or eight lines, but they are as pointed as -short, and all are fairly bristling with wit and humor of the keenest -kind. There are no old ones among them, the collection being the very -latest crop. - -They are classified, according to their character, under such headings -as “Womankind,” “Youth,” “Bald and Tough,” etc., ten sections in all, -and each headed with a peculiarly appropriate illustration. - -The author is widely and favorably known through his humorous lectures -and readings, and both publicly and privately is recognized as one of -the genuinely funny men of the day. - -It is a book that can be picked up and enjoyed at any time, and if read -aloud to a company will afford an infinite fund of mirth and merriment. - - - - - FULL OF FUN - - 250 PAGES PAPER BINDING 50 CENTS - - -The suggestive and peculiarly fitting title of this attractive volume -faithfully describes the character of its contents, as it is packed full -of fun from the beginning to the end. It is composed of three popular -titles, TALKS, by the celebrated minstrel, George Thatcher, containing -all his monologues, songs, witty sayings, etc.; JOKES, by the popular -humorist, Henry Firth Wood, comprising a multitude of bright and -bristling comicalities; and CONUNDRUMS, by Dean Rivers, embracing the -latest and best in the line of Conundrums, Riddles, and Puzzles, and -including also a number of most complex Arithmetical Puzzles. The -different authors and compilers are deservedly popular and prominent as -representing the keenest and freshest in everything that is bright and -witty, and are a sure guaranty that the volume possesses all the merit -that is claimed for it. - -The collection as a whole will afford excellent amusement for the -fireside, will prove a splendid store-house from which to draw material -for anecdote or illustration, is valuable for public reading or -entertainment, and will be found enjoyable reading for private perusal, -while as a cure for an attack of the blues it is unfailing. - -Sold by all Booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon receipt of price - - - - - DANCING - - By Marguerite Wilson - - -A complete instructor, beginning with the first positions and steps and -leading up to the square and round dances. It contains also a full list -of calls for all of the square dances, and the necessary music for each -figure, the etiquette of the dances, and 100 figures for the german. It -is unusually well illustrated by a large number of original drawings. -Without doubt the best book on the subject. - - - PRACTICAL PALMISTRY - - By Henry Frith - - -There is to-day probably no more popular character study than that of -Palmistry. Many more people would be interested in it if there were a -convenient book that came within their comprehension and that was -reliable. This volume furnishes full and trustworthy information on the -subject, and with a little practice any person will be able to read -character, recall past events, and forecast future occurrences, upon -examination of the hand. Fully illustrated. - - - THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY - 923 Arch Street, Philadelphia - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - -WARNING: Some of the puns may contain elements that we would today deem -stereotyping by race, ethnicity or gender. - -Punctuation has been normalized. Variations in hyphenation have been -retained as they were in the original publication. The following changes -have been made: - - draws and colors beatifully —> beautifully {43} - vingt quatre —> vingt-quatre {133} - cerque —> cirque {133} - difference —> différence {133} - parse qu’el —> parce qu’il {133} - Carthagenois —> Carthaginois {133} - Romans —> Romains {133} - - Quand un gant resemble-t-il an numero vingt cinq. —> - Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro vingt-cinq. {134} - - treeze —> treize {134} - Un felon peut-il prendu —> Un félon peut-il prendre {134} - j’etais —> j’étais {134} - que je suis —> ce que je suis {134} - maitresse —> maîtresse {134} - Je ne suis par —> Je ne suis pas {134} - in the margin of —> below {140, ind} - in the margin —> below {148, 149 - 3 instances} - divide the result by 6, add 25 —> add 20 {141} - -The following arithmetic problem in the original publication did not -contain a solution: - - “Suppose it were possible for a man in Cincinnati to start on Sunday - noon,” {page 145} - -Repeated chapter headings have been reduced. - -Italicized phrases are presented by surrounding the text with -_underscores_. - -Decorative use of letterspacing has not been represented in this version -of the book. - -Words and phrases presented using mixed small capital in the original -are presented in this version using all capital letters. - -Superscripted characters are indicated by preceding them with a caret -(^), as here: 3^3 - 3 = 24. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles, by Dean Rivers - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES *** - -***** This file should be named 52598-0.txt or 52598-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/5/9/52598/ - -Produced by MWS, Carolyn Jablonski and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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