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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4cab628 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #52598 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/52598) diff --git a/old/52598-0.txt b/old/52598-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index efc026c..0000000 --- a/old/52598-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4587 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles, by Dean Rivers - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles - Containing one thousand of the latest and best conundrums, - gathered from every conceivable source, and comprising - many that are entirely new and original - -Author: Dean Rivers - -Release Date: July 18, 2016 [EBook #52598] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES *** - - - - -Produced by MWS, Carolyn Jablonski and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - -[Illustration: titlepage] - - - - - Conundrum_s_ - - Riddles _and_ Puzzles - - - Containing one thousand of the late_s_t - and be_s_t _Conundrums_, gathered from - every conceivable source, and comprising - many that are entirely new and original - - - - - By - - DEAN RIVERS - - Philadelphia - The Penn Publishing Company - 1903 - - - - - COPYRIGHT 1893 BY THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY - - COPYRIGHT 1900 BY THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY - - - - - PREFACE - - -A taste for guessing puzzles and enigmas is coeval with the race. The -early Greeks were extremely fond of such intellectual exercises, and -they are found in the language of all civilized nations. One of the -brightest forms of these puzzles is that of the conundrum, the answer of -which is usually a play upon words similar to the pun. Each language has -its own particular form of this kind of wit, but the English language, -on account of its composite nature, is especially rich in such forms of -wit and humor. - -The compiler of this little volume has made a choice selection of -conundrums from those in actual use among people belonging to refined -and cultured society. They are classified under four principal -heads—General Conundrums, Biblical Conundrums, Poetical Conundrums, and -French Conundrums. Some of the most ingenious and interesting forms of -wit will be found under each of these classes. - -In addition to these conundrums, the book contains a rare collection of -arithmetical puzzles. These were especially prepared for the work by a -mathematician of wide reputation who has used many of them in one of his -own publications. They will be found of great interest to those who have -a taste for numbers and their curious combinations and results. - -The collection as a whole will afford innocent recreation for the -fireside and social circle, and thus contribute to the happiness of -those who enjoy the higher forms of pleasure that flow from the exercise -of the mind upon those subjects that require quickness of thought and a -nimble wit. - - - THE AUTHOR. - - - - - CONTENTS - - - PAGE - - GENERAL CONUNDRUMS, 9 - - BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS, 117 - - POETICAL CONUNDRUMS, 125 - - FRENCH CONUNDRUMS, 133 - - ARITHMETICAL PUZZLES, 137 - - - - - GENERAL CONUNDRUMS - - -Why is life the greatest of all conundrums? Because we must all give it -up. - -When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When its soldiers are -all in quarters. - -Which is swifter, heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch cold. - -Why is a young lady like a letter? Because if she isn’t well stamped the -mails (males) won’t take her. - -Why are dudes no longer imported into this country from England? Because -a Yankee dude ’ll do (Yankee doodle doo). - -What flowers can be found between the nose and chin? Tulips (two lips). - -Why is a dude’s hat like swearing? Because it is something to avoid. - -How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to by the English prayer-book? -Sixteen: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. - -Why is a bright young lady like a spoon in a cup of tea? Because she is -interesting (in tea resting). - -Why does a young man think his sweetheart is like a door-knob? Because -she is something to adore (a door). - -Why is the emblem of the United States more enduring than that of -France, England, Ireland, or Scotland? - - The _Lily_ may fade and its leaves decay, - The _Rose_ from its stem may sever, - The _Shamrock_ and _Thistle_ may pass away, - But the _Stars_ will shine forever. - -Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it needs two heads and an -application. - -What is the shape of a kiss? Elliptical. - -Why is a kiss like gossip? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. - -When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle does it make? A rebus. - -What is it George Washington seldom saw, God never saw, and we see every -day? Our equals. - -What is better than God, worse than the devil, the dead live on, and the -living would die if they lived on? Nothing. - -Prove by logic that an oyster is better than heaven. Nothing is better -than heaven; an oyster is better than nothing; therefore an oyster is -better than heaven. - -What is the difference between a honeymoon and a honeycomb? One is a big -sell, the other little cells. - -Why is a man who makes pens a wicked man? Because he makes men steel -(steal) pens and then says they do write (right). - -What is the difference between a lady and an apple? One you have to get -side her to squeeze, and the other you have to squeeze to get cider. - -Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of in Shakespeare? Macbeth, -because he did murder most foul. - -Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during the week? Because during the -week you get it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by the choir. - -Which death would you prefer to die, Joan of Arc’s or Mary Stuart’s? -Most people prefer Joan of Arc’s, because they like a hot steak better -than a cold chop. - -What great writer’s name might you appropriately mention if you were -standing by the grave of Bob Ingersoll? Robert Burns. - -What three great writers names might you think of if you were watching a -house burn down? Dickens, Howett, Burns. - -If you were invited out to dinner and on sitting down to the table saw -nothing but a beet, what would you say? That beet’s all. - -Give a definition of love. An inward inexpressibility and an outward -alloverishness; or, the classical definition of a collegiate is, “Love -is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fusion of the intellect, -sensibility, and will.” - -When is charity like a top? When it begins to hum. - -Why is a man sometimes like dough? Not because a woman needs (kneads) -him, but because he is hard to get off of her hands. - -Why does a minister always say “dearly beloved brethren” and not refer -to the sisters? Because the brethren embrace the sisters. - -What part of a ragged garment resembles the Pope’s title? Its Holiness. - -Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor alike? Because they have both -stopped quacking. - -When is the best time to read from the book of nature? When the spring -opens the leaves and the autumn turns them. - -In what liquid does the Queen of England take her medicine? In cider -(side her). - -Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side, -then turns around and lies on the other. - -Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? Because they press their suits. - -When is a man of greatest use at the dinner-table? When he is a spoon. - -What is the difference between a rejected and an accepted lover? One -misses the kisses and the other kisses the misses. - -What is the difference between a church deacon and a little -rag-a-muffin? One passes the sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the -passer. - -Why is a lover like a knocker? Because he is bound to adore (a door). - -In what colored ink should we write our secrets? In violet (inviolate). - -Why is a young lady like an arrow? Because she can’t go off without a -bow (beau), and is in a quiver till she gets one. - -If a young lady fell into a well why couldn’t her brother help her out? -Because, how could he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too? - -If all the women went to China, where would the men go? To Pekin. - -Why does a Russian soldier wear brass buttons on his coat, and an -Austrian soldier wear steel ones? To keep his coat buttoned. - -What is the difference between an old penny and a new dime? Nine cents. - -How is the best way to make a coat last? To make the trousers and vest -first. - -What word of four syllables would a man utter if he should eat his wife -and wanted to express his approbation of the deed? Gladiator (glad I ate -her). - -Why does a cat look on first one side and then another when she enters a -room? Because she can’t look on both sides at the same time. - -Why is a widower like a young baby? Because he cries a great deal the -first six months, looks around the second six months, and has hard work -to get through his second summer. - -Why is Philadelphia more subject to earthquakes than any other city? -Because she is a Quaker city. - -Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irishman rolling down a hill? -Because he’s patroling (Pat rolling). - -If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, in what order would they -come? They would all get there down to _S_, and the rest would come -after _T_. - -What would contain all the snuff in the world? No one nose (knows). - -Why is a hound like a man with a bald head? Because he makes a little -hare (hair) go a long ways. - -What is the first thing a man sets in his garden? His foot. - -Who were the first astronomers? The stars, because they have studded the -heavens ever since the creation. - -When may you be said to imbibe a piano? When you have a piano for tea -(pianoforte). - -When may bread be said to be alive? When it has a little Indian in it. - -Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit half dollar passed on him want -to get married? To get a better half. - -Why does a sculptor die a most horrible death? Because he makes faces -and busts. - -Why do we generally dub a city her or she? Because about a city there is -so much bustle and because she has outskirts. - -Why does a hair-dresser die a sad death? Because he curls up and dies -(dyes). - -Why are washwomen great flirts? Because they wring men’s bosoms. - -If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two in -the shade. - -Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is a zephyr, a zephyr is a -yarn, a yarn is a story, a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an -attachment is love, and love is blind; therefore, the winds are blind. - -Why is a married man like a fire? Because he provokes his wife by going -out at night. - -Why is a pig’s brain larger than any other animal’s? Because he has a -hog’s head full. - -Where was the first Adams Express Company located? In the Garden of -Eden, when Eve was created. - -What is the difference between a young lady and a mouse? One charms the -he’s, the other harms the cheese. - -Why are men like facts? Because they are stubborn things. - -What is the difference between a gardener and a Chinaman? One keeps the -lawn wet, the other keeps the lawn dry (laundry). - -Why is a young lady’s age after she has reached twenty-five like a -floral wedding bell? Because it is never told. - -When is a door not a door? When it’s an egress (a negress). - -Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she deals in precious tones -(precious stones). - -When is a bee a great nuisance? When it is a humbug. - -A New Yorker asks: What popular book could the two cities, New York and -Philadelphia, be compared to? The _Quick or the Dead_. - -Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than in winter? Because in winter -he wears a fur coat and in summer he wears a coat and pants. - -Why is it more dangerous to go out in the spring than any other time of -the year? Because in the spring the grass has blades, the flowers have -pistils, the leaves shoot, and the bullrushes out. - -What is the difference between a hill and a pill? One is hard to get up, -the other is hard to get down. - -Why is a lazy dog like a hill? Because he is a slow pup (slope up). - -A man and goose once went up in a balloon together, the balloon burst -and they landed on a church steeple, how did the man get down? Plucked -the goose. - -Why is a man riding up a hill like a man taking a young dog to a lady? -Because he is taking a gallop up (gal a pup). - -Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man? Because he is always looking -down in the mouth and dams all his patients. - -What is the difference between a king’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald -head, and an orphan? A king’s son is the heir apparent, a monkey’s -mother is a hairy parent, a bald head has no hair apparent, and an -orphan has nary a parent. - -If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices -current of their pies? The pie rates of Penn’s Aunts (Pirates of -Penzance). - -What celebrated man in English history might you name if you wished to -tell your servant to replenish the fire in your grate? Philip the Great -(fill up the grate). - -A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep and one died, how many -remained? Nineteen. - -What is the difference between an Irishman on a bleak mountain-top and a -Scotchman? One is kilt with the cowld and the other is cowled with the -kilt. - -If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what would the wood come to -burned on them for one month? Come to ashes. - -What is the difference between Niagara Falls and Queen Elizabeth? One is -a wonder, the other is a Tudor. - -What is a soldier’s definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. - -Why is it easy to break into an old man’s house? Because his gait (gate) -is broken and his locks are few. - -What word of only three syllables combines in it twenty-six letters? -Alphabet. - -Where can one always find happiness? In the dictionary. - -When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U and I -are one. - -Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence -of young ladies? Because he calls every miss a mith. - -What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans. - -Why are your eyes like friends separated by the ocean? Because they -correspond but never meet. - -Why is a lady who faints in a public place like a good intention? -Because she needs carrying out. - -What is the brightest idea in the world? Your eye, dear. - -What animal drops from the clouds? The rain, dear (reindeer). - -I went out walking one day and met three beggars; to the first I gave -ten cents, to the second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I gave -but five—what time of day was it? A quarter to three. - -What is that which by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? Noise. - -Why is a hen immortal? Because her son never sets. - -What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge. - -What will impress the ear more sharply than a falsetto voice? A false -set of teeth. - -What is that which is put on the table and cut, but is never eaten. A -pack of cards. - -What is the oldest table in the world? The multiplication table. - -Which river is the coldest? The Isis (ice is). - -Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew till late and -destroy patience (patients). - -Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no other -man has furnished so many stock quotations. - -How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears an -entire costume, the other wears simply a coat and pants. - -Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache like a cow’s tail? Because he -grows down. - -Why is a professional thief very comfortable? Because he usually takes -things so easy. - -When is a man obliged to keep his word? When no one will take it. - -Why is an attractive woman like a successful gambler? Because she has -such winning ways. - -Why is the food one eats on an ocean steamer like a difficult conundrum? -Because one is obliged to give it up. - -Why are stout men usually sad? Because they are men of sighs (size). - -Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? -Because they are doing unto each other as they would that men should do -unto them. - -What is the difference between a woman and an umbrella? You can shut an -umbrella up. - -Why would it be very appropriate for a man named Benjamin to marry a -girl named Annie? Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she Annie-mated. - -Why is this continent like milk? Because it’s ours (it sours). - -What is the color of the winds and waves in a severe storm? The winds -blew (blue), the waves rose. - -Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually -selling that which he kneads himself. - -What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet -done? Stop a minute. - -How can you by changing the pronunciation of a word only turn mirth into -crime? By making man’s laughter manslaughter. - -Why is a room full of married people like an empty room? Because there -is not a single person in it. - -Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The -state of matrimony. - -Which nation produces the most marriages? Fascination. - -When is a horse like a house? When he has blinds on. - -Why is a bridegroom often more expensive than a bride? Because the bride -is given away, but the bridegroom is often sold. - -Why is divinity the easiest of all professions? Because it is easier to -preach than to practice. - -When is love deformed? When it is all on one side. - -What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to -dress, and the other dresses to kill. - -When was B the first letter in the alphabet? In the days of No-a (Noah). - -How can I remove A from the alphabet? B-head it. - -Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. - -Why is modesty the strongest characteristic of a watch? Because it -always keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works. - -Why is it right for B to come before C? Because we must B before we can -C. - -Why are two t’s like hops? Because they make beer better. - -What kind of sense does a girl long for in a disagreeable suitor? -Absence. - -Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the head of a pair of stairs? -Because it sometimes runs down. - -Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. -Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi). - -What key in music would make a good officer? A sharp major. - -What is the key-note to good manners? B natural. - -Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp? Because he is A flat. - -What do ladies look for when they go to church? The Sams (psalms) and -hims (hymns). - -Why are married men like steamboats? Because they are sometimes blown -up. - -What ship contains more people than the “Great Eastern”? Courtship. - -Why is a ship like a woman? Because she is often tender to a man-of war; -often running after a smack; often attached to a buoy (boy); and -frequently making up to a peer (pier). - -Why do women make good post-office clerks? Because they know how to -manage the mails (males). - -Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it is intended to keep the -chaps away. - -If a pair of andirons cost $7.75, what would a ton of coal come to? To -ashes. - -What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses. - -Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it is seldom seen after Lent. - -On what day of the year do women talk the least? The shortest day. - -What is that which every living person has seen, but will never see -again? Yesterday. - -What is the difference between dead soldiers and repaired garments? The -former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead). - -Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping -into his shoes? Because you make his feet yours (features). - -Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough -before he gets another. - -Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? The -note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you -take it out again you see it increases. - -What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a -fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. - -Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon wheel? Because she is surrounded -by felloes (fellows). - -When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the -reading-desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the -congregation. - -What is the difference between form and ceremony? You sit upon one and -stand on the other. - -What is the most awkward time for a train to start? 12.50, as it’s ten -to one if you catch it. - -Why can negroes be safely trusted with secrets? Because they are sure to -keep dark. - -Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal? Because he always has his back -up. - -Why are doctors bad characters? Because the worse people are the more -they are with them. - -Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unladylike thing when she married the -late Lord Ragland Somerset? Because she turned a Somerset. - -Why can the world be compared to music? Because it is so full of sharps -and flats. - -Why does a goose go into the water? For diver’s reasons. - -Why does a goose come out of the water? For sun-dry reasons. - -Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse? Because the more you lick it -the faster it goes. - -Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage-stamp? Because you lick him -with a stick and stand him in the corner. - -Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the centre of -bliss, while E is in hell and all the others are in purgatory. - -What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there -is a mile between the first and last letter. - -Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their -next world (necks twirled) in this. - -Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted? Because it is unlawful to -condemn a man without a hearing. - -Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred horse? Because he’s -a perfect brute. - -What is that which you can keep after giving to some one else? Your -word. - -Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and -defective. - -Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns. - -Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean? Because it contains many currants. - -Who may marry many a wife and still be single all his life? A clergyman. - -Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Because it once had a Solon (sole -on). - -Why are washerwomen great travelers? Because they are continually -crossing the line and running from pole to pole. - -What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is. - -What is a common miracle in Ireland? Waking the dead. - -Why are bachelors bad grammarians? Because when asked to conjugate they -invariably decline. - -When could the British Empire be purchased for the lowest sum? When -Richard the Third offered his kingdom for a horse. - -What is the largest room in the world? The room for improvement. - -Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette? Because there is -always room for one more to be taken in. - -When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a -roll in bed. - -Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other dealers? Because it won’t -do for them to crack up their goods. - -What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to -a lady? A husband. - -Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? Because he -requires bailing out. - -When does a ship tell a falsehood? When she lies at the wharf. - -When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? When he discovers a new -star. - -What is the difference between a mother and a barber? The latter has -razors to shave and the former has shavers to raise. - -Why are pianos noble characters? Because they are grand, upright, and -square. - -What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicated? Toasts. - -When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When it’s rung for dinner. - -Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world? Because it never shows the -white feather. - -Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold? Because sometimes the ayes -(eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose). - -Why are some girls like old muskets? Because they use a good deal of -powder, but won’t go off. - -What kind of medicine does a man take for a scolding wife? He takes an -elixir (an’ he licks her). - -Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing. - -What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid -of sixty? One is happy and careless, and the other is cappy and -hairless. - -Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both occasioned -the fall of man. - -What is most like a hen stealing? A cock-robin. - -If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to get another? To -a grog-shop, because bad spirits are retailed there. - -Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port -in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her). - -Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store like a house on fire? -Because it starts all the bells (belles) in the city. - -Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because of -the sand which is (sandwiches) there. - -How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his -followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard). - -If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? -Chaucer (chaw, sir). - -Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his -business makes him sell fish. - -When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman. - -Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline -matrimony. - -Why can a blind man always see his father? Because the father is always -apparent (a parent). - -What does Washington, D. C., stand for? Washington, daddy of his -country. - -Why was a defeated candidate after the late election, like the earth? -Because he was flattened at the poles. - -When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon. - -What ailment is the oak most subject to? A corn (acorn). - -Why does a horse eat in a very odd way? Because he eats best when he has -not a bit in his mouth. - -What is the only organ without stops? A woman’s organ of speech. - -Give an Irishman’s definition of a lake. A hole in the tay-kettle. - -Why is man superior to woman? Because woman is only a side issue. - -Why is a lady when sick at sea like some of our literary men? Because -she is a contributor to the _Atlantic_. - -Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? “Because she is a joy -(jaw) forever.” - -What is the proper length for a young lady to wear her dress? A little -above two feet. - -Why is a man who never bets as bad as a gambler? Because he is no bettor -(better). - -When is a cigar like dried beef? When it is smoked. - -What table has no legs to stand upon? The multiplication table. - -How do young ladies sometimes show their dislike to mustaches? By -setting their faces against them. - -Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? Because -there are three scruples to a dram. - -Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it’s down in -the mouth. - -What is that which we often return, but never borrow? Thanks. - -What animals are always seen at funerals? Black kids. - -What is the difference between a French pastry cook and a bill sticker? -One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs. - -Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it’s so low -(solo). - -Why is a dog biting his tail like a good manager? Because he makes both -ends meet. - -Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by day? Because at night he is -let out, and in the day he is taken in. - -Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man -had one kilt before the battle. - -At what game do the waves of the sea play? At pitch and toss. - -Why are fowls the most economical things a farmer can keep? Because for -every grain they give a peck. - -What is the difference between a pitcher of water and a man throwing his -wife over a bridge? One is water in the pitcher, the other is pitch her -in the water. - -When is a young lady not a young lady? When she’s a sweet tart -(sweetheart). - -What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears). - -Why should architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at -drawing houses. - -What weapon does a young man use if he kisses a young lady by mistake? A -blunderbuss. - -What is the difference between an auction and seasickness? One is a sale -of effects, the other the effects of a sail. - -What should a clergyman preach about? About a half of an hour. - -Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it. - -What kind of a cat do we usually find in a large library? A cat alogue. - -What sea would a man like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic). - -Why was the French Empress always in bad company? Because she was always -surrounded by Paris-ites. - -When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). - -When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent). - -What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel. - -Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever erected? Because it was -partly built for one sovereign, and finished for another. - -What is the difference between a cradle and the grave? The one is for -the first-born, the other for the last bourne. - -How is an elephant’s head different from every other head? Because, if -you cut his head off from his body, you don’t take it from the trunk. - -Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he -prefers “zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer.” - -Which is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, because he is -killed and then cured. - -Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey? Because it was far-fetched and -full of nonsense. - -If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? -Tre-mend-us. - -What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they’re ashes -still. - -What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou, and it -wilted. - -When is a large river good for the eyes? When it’s eye (high) water. - -What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours -with rain, the other roars with pain. - -What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a net. - -What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames, which runs -between Chel-sea and Batter-sea. - -What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One -baits his hook, the other hates his book. - -What is that which you break by even naming it? Silence. - -When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists. - -What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because -they’re Arno boats there. - -What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. - -What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard -up, the other is soft down. - -What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at -pleasure the other plays at leisure. - -Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can’t make them here -(hear). - -Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a -living. - -What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to wish for? One that blows fowl -and chops about. - -What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does -not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. - -Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy proceeding? Because it makes it -hollow. - -What is that from which you may take away the whole and still have some -left? The word wholesome. - -When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed. - -Why is English grammar like gout? Because it’s torture (taught yer). - -Give a good definition of a button. A small affair that is always coming -off. - -What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That recorded -of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a -window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. - -What is the difference between a choir master and a lady’s dress? The -one trains a choir, the other acquires a train. - -Why has a great gymnast very wonderful digestion? Because he lives on -ropes and poles and thrives. - -What is a singular and melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he -could recite his poems but could not resight himself. - -Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United States. - -What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? One gathers -what he sows, the other sews what she gathers. - -What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, -the other gives way (whey). - -Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes -(close) of the week. - -Why is an actress like an angel? Because we seldom see one that is not -painted. - -At what time by the clock is a pun most effective? When it strikes one. - -What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many -answers? The door-bell. - -What kind of a book do some men wish their wives might resemble? An -almanac, for then they could have a new one every year. - -Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you -pass through. - -Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hardware -(wear). - -Why is a list of celebrated musical composers like a sauce-pan? Because -it is incomplete without a Handel. - -In what key should a man propose to his sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B -minor). - -When a church is burning, what is the only part that stands no chance at -all of being saved? The organ, because the engine can’t play upon it. - -Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster? Because we cannot enjoy it -without crackers. - -When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly. - -If all the seas were dried up, what would old Neptune say? I really -haven’t an ocean (a notion). - -Why is the letter A like twelve o’clock? Because it comes in the middle -of day. - -Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, although always first -in pity, he is always last in help. - -What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a thousand -years? The letter M. - -Why are butchers thieves? Because they steal a knife and cut away with -it. - -Why should a man troubled with the gout make his will? Because he will -then have his leg at ease (legatees). - -Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful friend? Because, although you may -load his back with silver, he will reflect on you. - -What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? The -former talk without reflecting, the latter reflect without talking. - -Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast steel (Castile). - -On what supposition could pocket handkerchiefs build a house? If they -became brick (be cambric). - -Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds? Because you never -know the value of either until they are put under ground. - -When does a man always have brown hands? When he’s tand’em driving. - -What is that which is seen twice in “every day” and four times in “every -week,” yet only once in a year? The vowel e. - -Which are the only two words in the English language where the five -vowels follow in successive order? Facetious and abstemious. - -What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? -Oroonoko. - -What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding another -syllable to them? Quick and short. - -What word composed of five letters can you take the first two letters -from and have one remain? Stone. - -Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of -letters? Disproportionableness. - -What relation is a child to its own father when it is not its own -father’s son? A daughter. - -What is the difference between the milky way and a room full of -great-grandfathers? One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale -pas. - -What was it a blind man took at breakfast which restored his sight? He -took a cup and saw, sir (saucer). - -Why are pipes all humbug? Because the best of them are all meer-shams. - -Why is a meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and -colors beautifully. - -If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what fruit would you be reminded -of? A pair. - -What is that which a cat has, but no other animal? Kittens. - -What are the features of a canon? Cannon-mouth, cannon-ize, and -cannon-eers. - -Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven. Twice ten is twenty, and -twice eleven is twenty-two (twenty, too). - -What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without -transposing a letter? Herein—he, her, here, ere, rein, in. - -When is a teapot like a kitten? When you’re teasin’ it (tea’s in it). - -Why is a portrait like a member of Congress? Because it is a -representative. - -Why is a madman like two men? Because he is a man beside himself. - -Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The wind—“Over -the Hills and Far Away.” - -Why is an unbound book like a person in bed? Because it is in sheets. - -Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgotten? Because it is out -of the head. - -What is the difference between a glass of water and a glass of whiskey? -Ten cents. - -Why is a paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags. - -Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables? Because it is all -heart. - -Why is an intoxicated man like a noun adjective? Because he seldom -stands alone. - -Why is a clergyman’s horse like a king? Because he is guided by a -minister. - -Why is a man in a garret committing murder like a good man? Because he -is above committing a bad action. - -Why was the Parliament of the Commonwealth like Samson? Because it -overthrew a house of lords. - -Why is an avaricious man like one with a short memory? He is always for -getting. - -What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its -root upward? An icicle. - -Why is a blacksmith’s apron like a convent? Because it keeps off the -sparks. - -Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket-book? Because she is clasped. - -Why is a wick of a candle like Athens? Because it is in Greece (grease). - -Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey? Because it contains the ashes -of the grate (great). - -Why is a handsome woman like bread? Because she is often toasted. - -What is that which a coach cannot move without, and yet is not of the -least use to it? Noise. - -What does a stone become when in the water? A whetstone (wet stone). - -When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine minutes past twelve? -When he is just going to strike one. - -If you were obliged to swallow a man, what kind of a one would you -prefer to swallow? A little Dublin porter. - -What question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? What does -y-e-s spell? - -What four letters of the alphabet would frighten a thief? O I C U (oh! I -see you). - -Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly? Because he is just ice -(justice). - -What is the difference between a new five-cent piece and an old -fashioned quarter? Twenty cents. - -Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the -law? He goes into the law to get on, he remains in the law to get oner, -he retires from the law to get onest. - -What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle? Buy a little medicine and get -a vial in. - -Speak only two letters and thus name the destiny of all earthly things? -D. K. - -Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the desert island? Because there -was a heavy swell on the beach and a sandy cove running up the shore. - -Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar? Because it makes the -butter-fly. - -What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and -a thumb? A glove. - -Barnum drove a ten-in-hand through New York city, and his horses had -only twenty-four feet among them; how was that? They had twenty fore -feet. - -What trade does the sun follow in the month of May? Mason (May sun). - -Of what trade are all the Presidents of the United States? -Cabinet-makers. - -Of what trade is a minister at a wedding? A joiner. - -Of what occupation is a manager of a theatre? A stage-driver. - -What miss is that whose company no one ever wants? Mis-fortune. - -What misses are those whose days are always unlucky? Mis-chance and -mis-hap. - -What miss is always making blunders? Mis-take. - -What misses are of a very jealous temper? Mis-give and mis-trust. - -When is it no misfortune for a young lady to lose her good name? When a -young man gives her a better one. - -When does a dentist do the most work? When he extracts several acres -(achers). - -Why is an umbrella a paradox? Because it is best when used up. - -What happens when a light falls into the water at an angle of forty-five -degrees? It goes out. - -What great surgical operation does the manufacturing of maple-sugar -remind you of? Tree panning. - -In what way do women ruin their husbands? In buy-ways. - -Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers of endurance? Because he holds on -to the last. - -What part of the face resembles a schoolmaster? The eyelid, because it -always has a pupil under the lash. - -Why is it that you and I must never dine together? Because U can never -come until after I. - -What profession is a postman? He is a man of letters. - -At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable -kingdom? When long experience has made him sage. - -Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in -fun. - -Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish, or Englishmen? Englishmen. In -Scotland there are men of Ayr; in Ireland men of Cork, but in England -are lightermen. - -When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is adrift. - -What ’bus has found room for the greatest number of people? Columbus. - -Which is heavier, a half or a full moon? The half, because the full moon -is as light again. - -What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date. - -When is a man like a frozen rain? When he is hail (hale). - -When is a lady’s arm not a lady’s arm? When it is a little bare (bear). - -Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not a tall black. - -Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied? Because nothing -satisfies him. - -Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to -be taken up. - -Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky manufactory? Because it is -a secret still. - -Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they make a -noise whenever they are told. - -Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us? Because we call them -to take us in. - -What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at -the end of its paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. - -Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns the greatest thieves in her -Majesty’s service? Because they rifle all the guns, forge the materials, -and steel all the gun breeches. - -How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson of three words? Never lend -them. - -Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admitted for -her cheek. - -Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because they both profess an attachment to -the crown. - -What trade is like the sun? A tanner’s. - -What is an extra dry subject? A mummy. - -What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable woman shopping. - -Why are hogs like trees? Because they root for a living. - -Why is the moon like a marriage contract? Because it governs the tide. - -Why do girls kiss each other and men not? Because girls have nothing -better to kiss, and men have. - -What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork? You’re too pointed. - -What composer is most noted of modern times? Chloroform. - -What is better than to give credit to whom it is due? Give the cash. - -Which musical instrument is the most moral? An upright piano. - -What is the difference between a dog’s tail and a rich man? One keeps a -wagging and the other keeps a carriage. - -How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suiter from other men? He married -his wives and axed them afterward. - -Why does a man’s hair generally turn gray sooner than his mustache? -Because it is about twenty-one years older. - -When did George Washington first take a carriage? When he took a hack at -the cherry-tree. - -What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary. - -Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating her boy? Because it is a -hiding of the son. - -How can a man make his money go a long way? By contributing to foreign -missions. - -Why is a person reading these conundrums like a man condemned to undergo -a military execution? Because he is pretty sure to be riddled to death. - -Where can one always find pleasure and happiness? In the dictionary. - -During the month of heavy showers, how has the umbrella been -persistently bluffing the game? It has been “put up or shut up” with it -all the while. - -When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory. - -Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a -successful newspaper? His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be -tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a Sunday supplement. - -When is money damp? When it is due in the morning and missed at night. - -What killed Julius Cæsar? Roman punches. - -How does the postage-stamp have the advantage of the small boy? It can -never be licked but once. - -Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh’s daughter? They -saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks. - -Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you -in with an open countenance. - -Why are chemists and alchemists both of the feminine gender? Because one -is an analyzer (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte Ann). - -How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark? Because he had Ham. - -My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my third is a nickname, -and my whole is a bird. Whip-poor-will. - -Why is sympathy like blind man’s buff? Because it is a fellow feeling -for a fellow mortal. - -Why does the air seem fresher in winter than it does in summer? Because -it’s kept on ice most of the time. - -Why are fish well educated? They have a taste for going in schools. - -What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. - -Why is the letter S like thunder? It makes our cream sour cream. - -Which is the easier way to commit suicide, by taking laudanum or -drowning? Ether (either) is good. - -Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest piece of property in England? -Because it was bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign. - -What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn? -One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern. - -Why are records brittle things? Because they cannot be lowered without -breaking. - -What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one -and stand on the other. - -Why is a door in the potential mood? It’s would (wood) or should be. - -What is the difference between a man going up stairs and one looking up? -One is stepping up the stairs, the other staring up the steps. - -Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are -all over due. - -What is there remarkable about a yard-stick? Though it has no head or -tail, it has a foot at each end and one in the middle. - -If a man shot at two frogs and killed one, what would the other one do? -Croak. - -What makes the waves so wild? It is having the wind blow them up. - -Why are apples like printer’s types? Because they are often in pi(e). - -My first denotes equality, my second, inferiority, and my whole -superiority. Matchless. - -Why are fatigued persons like a wagon wheel? Because they are always -tired. - -Why is a tin can tied to a dog’s tail like death? Because it’s bound to -a cur (occur). - -Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her -weeds. - -Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline -matrimony. - -Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners of old? Because, having -eyes, they see not, and having ears they hear not. - -Why are blind persons compassionate? Because they feel for other -persons. - -Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when exposed to -the fire they run. - -Why is Satan always a gentleman? Because, being the imp of darkness he -can never be imp-o’-light. - -How much earth is in a hole 3¼ × 6½ ft.? None. - -Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? Because she sends off the -sparks, transports the mails, and has a train following her. - -What is the cheapest feature of the face? Nostrils, two for a scent -(cent). - -Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy? Because they are men of -size (sighs). - -When does the rain become too familiar to a lady? When it begins to -pat-her (patter) on the back. - -What relation is a door mat to a door step? A step farther. - -Why is a baker like some very disreputable people? Because he’s a loafer -and a white-cap. - -How many of your relatives live on your property? Ten-aunts (tenants). - -What is the difference between a dime dated 1899 and a new dollar? -Ninety cents. - -Why is a beehive like a spectator? Because it is a beeholder (beholder). - -What are the most unsociable things in the world? Mile-stones, for you -never see two of them together. - -When does a regiment undergo an operation? When deprived of its arms. - -What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard? A pig-sty. - -What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a -sculptor? One curls up and dies and the other makes faces and busts. - -Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone? -Because they never saw it. - -What is majesty deprived of its externals? (M) a jest (Y). - -Why is a good speller of a spelling match like a glass of champagne? -Because they both go to the head. - -When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When fond of his club. - -Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his gross profits? Because they -are always net. - -What will make pies inquisitive? S will make spies of them. - -Why is an empty purse expressive of constancy? Because you find no -change in it. - -When can donkey be spelt with one letter? When it’s “U.” - -Why is a tennis player like a society youth of limited means? He is -obliged to miss the ball when it comes high. - -Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty girl like a man going up Mt. -Vesuvius? Because he is trying to get at the mouth of the crater. - -Why should a housekeeper never put the letter M into her refrigerator? -Because it will change ice into mice. - -What’s the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? He was a -wonder, and she was a Tudor. - -Why is the letter R indispensable to friendship? Because without it your -friends would be fiends. - -Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them? -K N (cayenne). - -What is the difference between a funny fellow and a butcher? One deals -out wit, the other wit-tles. - -Why should cocks be the smoothest birds known? Because they always have -a comb about them. - -What insect does a blacksmith manufacture? He makes the fire-fly. - -When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little radish (reddish). - -When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in -the service. - -Why is love like a potato? Because it shoots from the eyes and gets less -by pairing. - -Why are young men like telescopes? Because you can draw them out, see -through them and shut them up again. - -Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late, and -destroy patients (patience). - -What is the difference between a woman and a parasol? You can shut a -parasol up. - -Why is Sunday the strongest day in the week? Because the rest are week -days. - -Why is a needle one of the most persistent of forces? It always has an -eye open for business, and invariably carries its point. - -When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. - -Why are soldier’s guns always safe? Because every one of them has a -lock. - -When is a man not a man? When he’s a shaving. - -Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like a tallow candle? Because he -will smoke when he is going out. - -When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy -for a pupil. - -Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars -invariably run over sleepers. - -What instrument of war does an angry lover resemble? A cross bow. - -My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, and my whole is part -of a ship. Cab-in. - -What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt. - -What tricks are most common among New York policemen? Patricks. - -Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving or Christmas week? There is -always a Turkey in it. - -Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one? -Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it. - -Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment the ladies? Because the -pressure makes him flatter. - -Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes). - -What’s the difference between photographing and the whooping cough? One -makes fac similes, the other makes sick families. - -What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That which goes into a mite’s -mouth. - -What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? A kitten. - -Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because it didn’t answer. - -Born at the same time as the world, destined to live as long as the -world, and yet never five weeks old. The moon. - -Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins). - -My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for, my whole is a -State of America. Tennes see. - -Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff? Because we wish her to lay -on. - -Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the centre of light. - -Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off. - -Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because -when purchased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cel-lar. - -Why would it be hard on ministers to preach without notes? Because their -families would suffer without the greenbacks. - -In what sort of syllables should a parrot be taught to speak? In polly -silly-bills. - -My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an -inhabitant of the deep. Her ring. - -What is the difference between a bee-hive and a bad potato? None. One is -a bee-holder; a bee-holder is a speck’d ’tatur, and a speck’d ’tatur is -a bad potato. - -What cannot be called a disinterested act of hospitality? Entertaining a -hope. - -Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your eye? Because he’s a pupil -under the lash. - -When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly in love? When attached -to a boy (buoy.) - -My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my whole is a flower. -Prim-rose. - -Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note? Because when once changed it -soon goes. - -What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a -hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander. - -What fruit is the most visionary? The apple of the eye. - -What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving? -The railroad. - -What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they -compose? Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes. - -Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote from one another? Because, -although they may correspond, they never meet. - -Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for cattle? Because she keeps her -Stock-holm. - -Without my first my second could never have existed, and my whole is as -old as creation. Sun-day. - -When is a gun like a dismissed servant? When it is discharged and goes -off. - -What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older. - -What should you do if you split your sides with laughter? Run till I got -a stitch in them. - -What is the difference between a young girl and an old hat? Merely a -difference of time—one has feeling and the other has felt. - -What herb is most injurious to a lady’s beauty? Thyme. - -Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? -Because it is a place of haughty culture (horticulture). - -What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock -is wound up it goes; when a firm is wound up it stops. - -How do you know when night is nigh? When the t (tea) is taken away. - -Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things. - -If a dog should lose his tail where would he get another? At -Wanamaker’s, where everything is retailed. - -Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster? He -keeps his pupils in darkness. - -Why is early grass like a penknife? Because the springs bring out the -blades. - -Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the focus of a sun glass? It’s a -place where the sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet). - -Why is a real estate man not a man of words? Because he is a man of -deeds. - -Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber? Because it’s -between two seas. - -What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She pulled his ears and trod on his -corn. - -Why are some singers like cheese curds? Because they require to be -pressed. - -Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what’s done cannot be -helped. - -Why is a woman like the telegraph? Because she is always in advance of -the mail intelligence. - -What article that we wear is most affectionate? A porous plaster, -because it becomes very much attached to us. - -Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because he takes the pledge but -cannot always keep it. - -Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? It says widow’s mite -(might). - -Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods? Because no bad -spirits are permitted to enter them. - -Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it). - -Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off -in transports. - -How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover? She is always followed -by a night (knight). - -Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because they are kept down by tax -(tacks). - -Why is the world like a slate? Because the children of men do multiply -thereon. - -Why is a defeated army like wool? Because its worsted. - -What is the centre of gravity? The letter V. - -What three letters turn a girl into a woman? A-g-e. - -Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every -millionaire sure to be? A capital fellow. - -What belongs to yourself, and is used by your friends more than by -yourself? Your name. - -When is a soldier like an old toper? When he re-treats. - -Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because he rarely appears until the -storm is over. - -What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? The milkmaid -skims the milk, the swallow skims the water. - -Why is a man’s face shaved in January like a celebrated fur? Because -it’s a chin-chilly. - -What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but -died without a soul? The whale that swallowed Jonah. - -What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? -One uses wax candles—the other dips. - -When is a doctor most annoyed? When he is out of patients. - -Why is a poor acquaintance better than a rich one? A friend in need is a -friend indeed. - -What is there remarkable about a bee? Why, ordinarily it has but little -to say, yet generally carries its point. - -Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because -it’s a little ahead of the main hatch. - -How many persons can a deaf and dumb man tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight -(gesticulate). - -What is the easiest way to keep water out of the house? Omit to pay your -water tax. - -What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have -pistils. - -What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform. - -What is the best uniform for a soldier? Right dress. - -When does a dog become larger and smaller? When let out at night, and -taken in in the morning. - -What prescription is best for a poet? A composing draught. - -Why does a bay horse never pay toll? Because his master pays it for him. - -Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in -sauciness. - -What is the best way to keep a man’s love? Not to return it. - -When is a soldier a wagon maker? When he makes a wheel. - -Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? Meet for rejoicing. - -How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced when he got married? He -became Mrs. Dewey’s second mate. - -Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s -farthest from the bark. - -Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams. - -What workman never turns to the left? A wheelwright. - -Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go. - -When are weeds not weeds? When they become widows. - -What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of -body. - -Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied? Because he rises rapidly in -the world and has excellent prospects. - -What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? The -letter A, because it makes her hear. - -What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green. - -How does water get into the watermelon? The seed is planted in the -spring. - -Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the -press at his back. - -What subject can be made light of? Gas. - -If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation is Dick to John? His -grandson. - -When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it’s chased. - -When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it -has a hole in it. - -Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die -sinking. - -Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans? Because they are two -tonics (teutonics). - -Why should the proof-reader of a printing establishment be considered -the best read man going? Because there’s proof that he reads every hour -of the day. - -When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little pats. - -If all the money in the world was divided equally among the people what -would each one get? An equal share. - -What are the most difficult ships to conquer? Hard-ships. - -Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich -ones? A poor girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without -either she cannot bank account (a count). - -Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to -each of them. - -Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has neither beginning -nor end. - -What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would -arrest him if he did not move on? I’d just like to see you. - -What is the difference between a drinker and a smoker? One is a -Bacchanalian and the other a tobacconalian. - -When Homer called the sea barren, why did it illustrate the age in which -he lived? Because it was before Cecrops (sea crops). - -What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, -the other gives way (whey). - -Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky man? Because he is always the -thirteenth at table. - -What is the difference between a life of leisure and a life of idleness? -They are the same thing, only different titles. - -What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a -word of two syllables? Plague; ague. - -A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome: whichever way it is read, -it is the same. Civic. - -What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It -must work or it can’t play. - -Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then -thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family. - -Who is it that always has a number of movements on foot for making -money? A dancing master. - -In what respect does a piano lamp resemble a society-club man? It has a -good deal of brass about it, requires much attention, is not remarkably -brilliant, is sometimes unsteady upon its legs, liable to explode when -only half full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at bed-time, -and is bound to smoke. - -How can hunters find their game in the woods? By listening to the bark -of the trees. - -Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers when he handles the lines -behind a fine, well-matched pair of horses? Because they are such a -spanking pair. - -What is that which is sometimes with a head, without a head, with a -tail, and without a tail? A wig. - -Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report. - -What is more wonderful than a horse that can count? A spelling bee. - -Why are tallest people the laziest? Because they are always longer in -bed than others. - -Who was the most successful financier mentioned in the Bible? Noah, -because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was -in liquidation. - -What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a -fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. - -Why is a college student like a thermometer? Because he is graduated and -marked by degrees. - -What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird. - -Why don’t they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Because -they can’t get a nickel out of a copper. - -Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a (k)nightly occupation. - -Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? He forms lasses into classes. - -Why don’t the Boers wash themselves? Because they are waiting to get a -good licking from the English. - -Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises from the yeast. - -When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When its sat-in. - -When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. - -When is a soldier like a king? When he appears with his pomp-on. - -What object is walking over the water and under the water, yet does not -touch the water? A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a pail of -water on her head. - -Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is an internal transport. - -When does a chair dislike you? When it can’t bear you. - -Why is a duel quickly managed? Because it takes only two seconds to -arrange it. - -What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax. - -Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title. - -What class of women are most apt to give tone to society? The belles. - -What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never -lies in it? A river. - -Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it is worsted. - -What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a -ship? One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity -of rocks. - -What is that which we all can eat, and often drink, though it sometimes -is a woman and often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast. - -Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be -foul language. - -Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is red (read). - -Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? Because they usually begin -with little drops. - -What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? A noise. - -Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a -gal-on (gallon). - -Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly -polished but very hollow. - -Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible -means of support. - -What islands would form a dainty and cheerful luncheon for a party? -Sandwich and Madeira. - -What must a good surgeon have to be successful? He must have an eagle’s -eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand. - -Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because it attacks the joints. - -If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become! -Sin. - -Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you -would be making game of him. - -Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady -flame. - -Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Because he keeps the game -alive. - -When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? Co-in-side -(go inside). - -Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? Because it is always -on the Spree. - -Which is the favorite word with women? The last one. - -Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Because he travels by -cycles (bicycles). - -Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys never have it; girls have it -but once; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she -married Pat Murphy she never had it again? The letter L. - -Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence? Because they steel -their petticoats, bone their stays, crib their babies, and hook their -dresses. - -Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has -confidence in all that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all he -hears. - -When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds -it. - -What did the managing editor say when the horticultural editor said he -had cultivated hothouse lilac bushes that attained a height of over -fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) that. - -Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill. - -What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady. - -Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. - -Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the -waves on the seashore? Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied). - -What bird is rude? The mocking bird. - -Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop? Because it shaves -the green. - -When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little -Indian in it. - -Why are ships like fortunes? Because they are built on stocks. - -How does a soldier know when it is time to fight? When he sees a -battle-me(a)nt. - -At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage. - -What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? -Acquiescence. - -When is a soldier like a horse? When he draws a load. - -Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Because you never knew -a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than -others did. - -Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they scintillate (sin -till-late). - -Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? They are both hardly done. - -Why is a man happier with two wives than with one? He may be happy with -one, but with two he is nearly sure to be transported. - -Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful places in the world? Because -it’s always on the rock, but never moves. - -Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails -(males) are tied up in bags. - -Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate one? It embraces -everything. - -What best describes and most impedes a Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A -Bunyan (bunion). - -When is a lady’s hair like the latest news? When it’s in the papers. - -Why is a very old umbrella, that has been lost, as good as new when -found? Because it’s re-covered. - -Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because he holds the reins. - -Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels? To save -their soles (souls). - -Who was the most successful surveyor on record? Alexander Selkirk, for -he was monarch of all he surveyed. - -Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner. - -Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will. - -What is one of the rules of war? That it is death to stop a cannon ball. - -Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when -we make application for a copy of our portrait, they always reply with a -negative. - -What cord is that which is full of knots, which no one can untie, and -which no one can tie? A cord of wood. - -Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question or the one who -answers? The one who asks, because he is the querist. - -When does the wind most resemble a bookseller? When it keeps stationary -(stationery). - -What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? It will give you many -good points. - -Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers? Because they -write about face. - -I went into the woods and caught it, I sat down to look for it, and then -I went home with it because I could not find it. A sliver. - -Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is -never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is -completely wound up. - -Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? The old adage says, out of sight -out of mind. - -How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a -stranger and he took him in. - -When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. - -Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop? Because it contains fowl-in -pieces. - -Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because it is the end of it that -people enjoy most. - -What is the fruit of finance? Current coin. - -How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale? He was down in the mouth, -and went to blubber. - -Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it. - -Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter. - -Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays -at the same time. - -Whose best works are most trampled on? The shoemaker, because good shoes -last longer than bad ones. - -When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the -preserves. - -Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because they do a great deal of -coupling. - -When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an -understanding between them. - -Why is a jailer like a musician? Because he fingers the keys. - -Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s -past-your-age (pasturage). - -Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is -the drawing room. - -Why should a man never tell his secrets in a corn field? Because so many -ears are there, and they would be shocked. - -What part of a fish weighs most? The scales. - -When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he makes a cart-ridge on the -road. - -Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp -sheets. - -What fruit does a newly married couple resemble? A green pear (pair). - -Can you tell the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the -moment. - -Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity’s the sole of it. - -Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue Books?” Because they are -never re(a)d. - -Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot -be plain. - -Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on -the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at -last. - -Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at -the sound of wo. - -What city is drawn more frequently than any other? Cork. - -Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because he often covers a multitude of -faults. - -Why should an artist never be short of cash? If he knows his business he -can always draw money. - -What do we often catch yet never see? Passing remarks. - -Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their -kisses. - -What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the -occupant when it does? The rent. - -What three acts comprise the chief business of a woman’s life? Attract, -contract, and detract. - -Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from -going too far. - -Why are some of our officers like a dancing master’s toes? Because they -must be turned out. - -What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues. - -Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law. - -If all the letters in the alphabet were on a mountain, what letter would -leave first? D would begin the descent. - -When you listen to a drum why are you a good judge? Because you hear -both sides. - -Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in -audible. - -Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because they both run. - -If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him? A widow’s -mite. - -Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? Her coachman. - -Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a woman’s hand? Because it -was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe). - -What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you -may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi). - -Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together? -Because the dog puts down three and carries one. - -When is a house like a bird? When it has wings. - -What moral lesson does the weather cock teach? It is vane to a-spire. - -When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance. - -When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. - -What are the embers of the expiring year? Nov-ember and Dec-ember. - -How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By foul means. - -When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII -dissolved the Pope’s bull. - -Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? Because he carries his -calves there. - -Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Because -summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow). - -Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot take? Yes, a hint. - -Why do American soldiers never run away? They belong to a standing army. - -Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve his pace? It makes him -fast. - -What is it that a man, no matter how smart he is, overlooks? His own -nose. - -What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper. - -Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo -went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin. - -Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have -eyes to see what they are doing. - -A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two -ducks; how many ducks were there in all? Three. - -What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? X-p-d-n-c -(expediency). - -Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it is a -tip-top apple. - -How many fathers has a man? Nine: his father, his godfather, his -father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers. - -Why would a spider appear to have wings? Because it often takes a fly. - -Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? It is bound to the country with -the strongest ties. - -What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? For a man to revolve in his -own mind. - -Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is the greatest of modern -composers. - -Do women like to see themselves in print? No; they prefer silk or satin. - -Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a -living. - -Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? The scissors grinder. - -Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because -it’s a little ahead of the main hatch. - -Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you, -you can shut it up without giving offense. - -Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the -press at his back. - -What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen. - -Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you -play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves. - -When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? -When at the opera, as then they are in tiers. - -Why should a minister be believed? Because he is nearly always accurate -(a curate). - -Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers -a horn to everybody he meets. - -What should be looked into? A mirror. - -Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has -Greece on the bottom. - -I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not -be home without me. Letter O. - -How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to -Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile. - -Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become -a little horse (hoarse). - -In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart, -a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his. - -When is a new dress older than an old one? When it’s more (moire) -antique. - -What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip. - -Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of -bad notes. - - I am the first, and one of seven, - I live betwixt the seas and heaven; - Look not below, for I am not there, - My home is in the ancient air. - Come to my second, behold how fair - I am, how bright and how debonair; - A pleasant vision and a beauty, - A thing of life and joy and duty; - My youth is changed—I live alone, - My views are crossed—my hopes are gone; - My whole is sorrow, grief and woe, - My singing now is all heigh-ho. - A lass (alas). - -What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental (pay-rental). - -When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mourning -(morning). - -Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their -tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard. - -Why is a book like a king? Because it has many pages. - -When are two apples alike? When pared. - -When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it -create a great continental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey, -the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of -China. - -What time should an inn keeper visit a foundry? When he wants a -bar-maid. - -Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common -’tatur (commentator). - -Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the -owner of many tales and they all come out of his head. - -What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they -are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster. - -What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle. - -What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except -by sticking at it? Bill-posting. - -Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that has gone out? Because she has -not a spark left. - -In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel. - -Why are bells used to call people to church? Because they have an -inspire-ring influence. - -What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands -still? The road. - -What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It -vanishes into the empty heir (air). - -When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. - -When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged. - -Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because he often rises to spout. - -Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Because it is -bound by close ties. - -What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries. - -What is that which increases the more it is shared by others? Happiness. - -What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait. - -When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried? When he stands a -loan. - -What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? There is no time when -its days are not numbered. - -What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters; because they -die-just (digest) before they are eaten. - -Who are the men who have made their mark? Those who can’t write. - -Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place? Because he is out -of the heat. - -Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? Because they confine a deer -(dear). - -Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The -multiplication table. - -What is the debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature. - -When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in -the service. - -Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent weapon? Because it first cuts a -tree down and then cuts it up. - -Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people? Because he is a host -himself. - -Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Because it becomes a -woman. - -Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point. - -If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick -it up? Because you may be arrested for passing it. - -Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns. - -Why is love always represented as a child? Because it never reaches the -age of discretion. - -What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Whis-key. - -Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet’s -father? Because he could a tail unfold. - -Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it’s part-ridges. - -When is a dog most like a human being? When he is between a man and a -boy. - -How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell Oh! (yellow). - -Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient -ground for remaining. - -Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant’s Causeway? -There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one -of the reasons. - -Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them. - -Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it -is done with the pen. - -When does a man feel girlish? When he makes his maiden speech. - -What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One -irons your linen; the other steals it. - -What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife -to return? Catches it when he gets home. - -What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of paint. - -What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan. - -How can you make a tall man short? Borrow money of him. - -Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are -stationary (stationery). - -Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he -would always have a cataract in the eye. - -What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle. - -What is that, which though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink. - -Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring? Because the bullrush -is out, the cowslips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have -pistils, and the little twigs are shooting. - -Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers. - -Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Because it has a -dozen mouths. - -Why is the fly the best one among the grocers’ customers? Because, when -he comes for sugar, he settles on the spot. - -Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a -soar point with him. - -Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because no matter where he finds -himself he always has his cue. - -What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Fly-paper. - -In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to -each other? They are brothers—brothers-in-law. - -Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy. - -Why do men go out of the theatre? Because some plays are so solemn that -the men have to go out to smile. - -Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is infirm. - -What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the -other breaks hearts. - -What is the difference between man and butter? The older a man gets the -weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is. - -When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When he crossed the Rhine and went -back to bridge it (Bridget). - -What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite. - -How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one -crown. - -Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil. - -Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because -he is sea-cured (secured). - -When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor. - -Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. - -What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your -private history is repeated by your neighbors. - -When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats -to a bar. - -If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a three-wheeled wagon is a -tricycle, what would you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of course. - -Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways. - -What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait). - -What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can -sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness. - -How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high -time after dark. - -When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide. - -What is always behind time? The back of a clock. - -What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine). - -What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy? One is a -strong will and the other is a strong won’t. - -Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells the truth to all the world? -A true balance, or pair of scales. - -What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland. - -Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia? -Because it has not had a nap in ten years. - -Why are spiders good correspondents? Because they drop a line by every -post and at every house. - -What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive. - -What is the sure sign of an early spring? A cat watching a hole in the -wall with her back up. - -A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you -do in everything—excel (XL). - -Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table? Char-i-table. - -Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it -in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you -find it. - -Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because it is fur to the end of it. - -What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head. - -If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been? -“Ben-Hur.” - -What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot -in his tail and call it a pig’s tie. - -Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring. - -Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Baron (barren) -figtree. - -If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of -stationery would he get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.) - -What is a good thing to part with? A comb. - -If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you? -Your mother. - -Why is a pig the most provident of all animals? Because he always -carries a spare-rib about him. - -Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like a bird’s nest? Because it -was built by a wren (Sir Christopher Wren). - -For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted? -For dentistry, because they have a good pull. - -Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she -returns to dust. - -Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? -Because he does a driving business. - -What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink. - -Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work -without an auger (augur). - -What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch. - -Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard. - -What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary. - -Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well. - -Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs like a high hill? Because -she’s a-mountin’. - -What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O -(Scipio). - -Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one -reign there in over fifty years. - -Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is -sweet but unrefined. - -Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away -pleasantly and then all at once boil over. - -What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses. - -Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood -will tell. - -Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A -clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices. - -How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs -in front and two behind. - -How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through. - -When is a pie like a poet? When it is Browning. - -What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind. - -Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its -insides would really be read. - -Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is -two gross. - -When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray. - -Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re -always for-getting something. - -What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The -letter E. - -Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it -is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue. - -What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are. - -Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act. - -When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring. - -What bird is in season all the year? The weather-cock. - -What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table? -Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley -fragments. - -When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient. - -What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier. - -What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is -hollowed in, the other is halloaed out. - -When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s -giving a swimming lesson. - -What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A -sculptor. - -What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one. - -How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do -better, they start on a small scale. - -When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack. - -What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine. - -What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives? -Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural. - -When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself. - - If a well known animal you behead, - Another one you will have instead. - Fox (f-ox). - -Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds? He is -pat-rolling. - -Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? She has not much on’er in her -own country. - -Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer, and -the other is a sure horse. - -When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell -the hour to begin dancing? At ten-dance (attendance). - -What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? Wheeling, West -Virginia, on the Ohio. - -What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says -nothing about it. - -Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? She’s a good looking -lass. - -When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in -quarters. - -Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the -spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay). - -Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by -the directions of strangers. - -What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake. - -What is the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer? One sells -watches and the other watches cells. - -Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are -continually practicing at the bar. - -What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? -Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous.) - -What motive had the inventor of railways in view! A loco-motive. - -With what do the mermaids tie up their hair? With a marine band. - -What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle tree. - -What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe) -of the Apostles. - -Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is -continually taking notes. - -Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my back and I am nobody. A -looking-glass. - -What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? -John Knox. - -Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter? Because he gives the -players a cue. - -Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? Because he chiseled the -Greek slave out of her clothes. - -Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes. - -What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys -it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know -it? A coffin. - -Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every -suit. - -When is a fact like a universal patent? When it is patent to “all.” - -What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? -A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell -affair. - -Why is a young lady like a promissory note? Because she ought to be -settled when she arrives at maturity. - -What is that which always goes with its head downward? A nail in your -shoe. - -Why is a man just put in prison like a boat full of water? Because he -wants bailing out. - -What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for -bidding. - -Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he -is very poor clay and should be fired. - -Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures. - -When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with -him? Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections -in his pockets. - -What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, yet left two to each -of his children? Parents. - -When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is all dough”? When it does not -have a good batter. - -Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg -you lose something to boot. - -What key in music will make a good officer? A sharp major. - -Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Because they killed the -prophets (profits). - -What is political economy? Splitting your vote. - -What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it? Flattery. - -What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The twelve months; they all try -us. - -What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An -army. - -What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her -watch? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes -one forget them. - -Why is an egg like a colt? Because it is not fit for use until it is -broken. - -Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball? -Because both look worn out when they lose their nap. - -What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge. - -When does a cook break the game law? When she poaches eggs. - -Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because he smokes when -he is going out. - -What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? It sings sweetest when it is -hottest. - -Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper? Because -you put your foot in it. - -Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning -ways. - -Why is the leading horse in a wagon team like the acceptor of a bill? -Because he’s the end horse, sir (endorser). - -What money brings the most substantial interest? Matri-mony. - -What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese actor loses his head? He is -pretty sure to lose his cue at the same time. - -Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping -into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). - -Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we cannot make it -out. - -Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his mother’s government like a -rainbow? Because it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign. - - - - - BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS - - -Who was the first man spoken of in the Bible? Chap. I (chap first). - -Who was the first woman spoken of in the Bible? Genesis (Jennis Sis). - -At what time of day was Adam created? A little before Eve. - -Spell “Adam’s Express Company” with three letters. E-v-e. - -What one word in the Bible represents the father calling his son and the -son’s answering? Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad). - -Who was a very short man spoken of in the Bible? Nehemiah (knee-high -Miah). - -Who was the strongest man spoken of in the Bible? Jonah, because the -whale couldn’t keep him down. - -Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the Bible? Samson, because he -brought the house down filled with his enemies. - -Who was the shortest man spoken of in the Bible? Beldad the Shuhite -(shoe height). - -Where was paper currency spoken of first in the Bible? Where the dove -left the ark and brought a green back. - -Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although the -ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch). - -Who took the first newspaper? Cain took A Bell’s (Abel’s) Life, and -Joshua countermanded the Sun. - -What proof have we that Moses was the most wicked man who ever lived? -Because he broke the Ten Commandments all at once. - -How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel (able). - -Where was æstheticism first spoken of in the Bible? Where the Lord made -Balaam’s ass to utter. - -When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve -presented Adam with a little Cain (cane). - -What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin. - -Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam, because he was first in -the race. - -When did Moses sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his fore fathers. - -The following is a good sell if properly led up to: Who was the first -man? Adam? Who was the first woman? Eve. Who killed Cain? The answer -will very likely be Abel. - -What did Job’s wardrobe consist of? Three wretched comforters. - -What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve which -read backward and forward the same? Madam, I’m Adam. - -Why was the first day of Adam’s life the longest? Because it had no Eve. - -How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o’ dice was -taken away from them. - -What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the -expulsion? Adam aint in (adamantine). - -What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from Eden? They raised -Cain. - -Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife. - -Why was Eve made? For Adam’s express company. - -Who was the straightest man mentioned in the Bible? Moses, because -Pharaoh made a ruler of him. - -What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain. - -Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. - -Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him with a -stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before. - -Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Bible? The widow’s -mite and the wicked flee. - -How is it that Methusalah was the oldest man when he died before his -father? His father was translated. - -How many soft boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat on an empty -stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty. - -What was the difference between Joan of Arc and Noah’s ark? One was Maid -of Orleans, the other was made of wood. - -Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head. - -Why was Eve not afraid of the measles? Because she’d Adam (had ’em). - -What church did Eve belong to? Adam thought her Eve-angelical. - -What two animals carried the least into the ark? The fox and cock, -because they carried only a brush and comb between them. - -Who had the first entrance into a theatre? Joseph, when he was taken -from the family circle and put into the pit. - -In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? In -the ark. - -What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He -took a fresh one. - -Who first introduced salt meat into the navy? Noah, when he took Ham -into the ark. - -What animal took most baggage into the ark? The elephant, who took his -trunk. - -What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears). - -What man mentioned in the Bible had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun. - -What reason have we to think that Moses wore a wig? Because he was -sometimes seen with Aaron and sometimes without ’Air on (hair on). - -Why was Noah like a hungry cat? Because he went forty days and forty -nights without finding Ararat. - -If Solomon was the son of David and Joab was the son of Zeruiah what -relation was Zeruiah to Joab? His mother. - -NOTE.—Most persons will answer “his father,” not remembering that -Zeruiah was a woman. - -If “Moses was the son of Pharaoh’s daughter,” then he must have been the -daughter of Pharaoh’s son. - -NOTE.—Most persons will say that it was impossible for Moses to have -been a daughter, etc. It will aid in understanding it to connect the -words thus: “daughter-of-Pharoah’s son.” - - - - - POETICAL CONUNDRUMS - - - Legs I have, but seldom walk; - I backbite all, yet never talk. - - A flea. - - - I came to a field and couldn’t get through it; - So I went to a school and learned how to do it. - - Fence. - - - My first I hope you are, - My second I see you are, - My whole I know you are, - - Wel-come. - - - My first’s a dirty little brute, - My second’s at the end on’t; - My third like many an honest man, - Is on a fool dependent. - - Pig-tail. - - - By equal division—I know I am right— - The half of thirteen you’ll find to be eight. - - VIII - XIII ———— VIII. - ΛIII - - - My number, definite and known, - Is ten times ten told ten times o’er; - One-half of me is one alone, - The other exceeds all count and score. - - Thou-sand. - - - There’s a word composed of three letters alone, - Which reads backwards and forwards the same; - It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, - And to beauty lays principal claim. - - Eye. - - - The cat did my first with a curl of her tail, - When the game she had made quite secure - By means of my second and not of my whole, - As she ought to have done, I am sure. - - Pur-chase. - - - Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, - Who is that highly favored man, - Who though he has married many a wife, - May still live single all his life? - - A clergyman. - - - Can you tell me why a hypocrite’s eye - Can better descry than you or I, - On how many toes a pussy cat goes? - A man of deceit can best count-er-feit; - And so, I suppose, can best count her toes. - - - Without my first you’d look very strange, - My second you much want to be; - My whole is what many a lady has worn, - At a ball, an assembly, or play. - - Nose-gay. - - - Two letters often tempt mankind, - And those who yield will surely find - Two others ready to enforce - The punishment that comes of course. - - X-S and D-K (excess and decay). - - - My first doth affliction denote, - Which my second is destined to feel. - My whole is a sweet antidote - That affliction to soothe and to heal. - - - Wo-man! - - - My first of anything is half, - My second is complete; - And so remains until once more - My first and second meet. - - Semi-circle. - - - My first makes company, - My second shuns company, - My third assembles company, - My whole puzzles company. - - Co-nun-drums. - - - Safe on a fair one’s arm my first may rest, - And raise no tumult in a husband’s breast; - To those who neither creep, nor run, nor fly, - The want of legs my second will supply. - My whole’s a rival of the fairest toast, - And when I’m liked the best I suffer most. - - Muf-fin. - - - What is that which is - The beginning of eternity, - The end of time and space, - The beginning of every end, - The end of every race? - - Letter E. - - - Your initials begin with an A, - You’ve an A at the end of your name, - The whole of your name is an A, - And its backward and forward the same. - - Anna! - - - We are airy little creatures, - Each have different forms and features; - One of us in glass is set, - Another you will find in jet; - A third, less bright, is set in tin, - A fourth a shining box within; - And the fifth, if you pursue, - It will never fly from you. - - Vowels. - - - My first a baby does when you pinch it; - My second a lady says when she doesn’t mean it; - My third exists and no one e’er has seen it; - And my whole contains the world’s best half within it. - - Cri-no-line. - - - Formed long ago, yet made to-day, - I’m most employed while others sleep; - What none would like to give away, - Yet no one likes to keep. - - Bed. - - - What’s that? What’s that? Oh! I shall faint, - Call, call the priest to lay it! - Transpose it, and to king and saint, - And great and good you pay it. - - Spectre; respect. - - -How shall the following be read? - - Yy u r yy u b - I c u r yy 4 me. - - ANSWER.— - Too wise you are, - Too wise you be; - I see you are - Too wise for me. - -How shall the following be read? - - U o a o, but I o thee; - O o no o, but O o me; - Then let my o thy o be - And give o o I o thee. - - ANSWER.— - You sigh for a cipher, but I sigh for thee; - Oh! sigh for no cipher, but oh! sigh for me; - They let my cipher thy cipher be; - And give sigh for sigh, for I sigh for thee. - - -How shall the following stanza be read that it may be true? - - There is a lady in the land - With twenty nails on each hand, - Five-and-twenty on hands and feet, - This is true without deceit. - - ANSWER.— - There is a lady in the land - With twenty nails; on each hand - Five, and twenty on hands and feet, - This is true without deceit. - - - - - FRENCH CONUNDRUMS - - -Je suis le capitaine de vingt-quatre Soldats, et sans moi Paris serait -pris. - - The letter A. - - -Pourquoi les amateurs du beau sexe vont-ils souvent à l’hippodrome? - - Afin d’être en cirque assis. - - -Quelle différence y-a-t-il entre le souverain de la Perse et le Viceroi -d’Egypte. - -C’est que l’un est chat (Shah) et l’autre pas chat (Pacha). - - -Quel est le peuple le moins gai de l’univers? - -Le peuple Persan, parce qu’il est gouverné par un Schah (chat), et que -le schah fait fuir les souris. - - -A French friend wishes to know: Vai ze Keeng ov Eatalee ees laike von -seengair at ze opera oo ees loozeng ess voice? - -Parce qu’il a perdu sa voix (Savoie). - - -Pourquoi les Carthaginois portaient-ils toujours des gants? - -Parce qu’ils n’aimaient pas l’air aux mains (les Romains)! - - -Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro vingt-cinq. - -Quand il est neuf et très étroit (et treize et trois)! - - -Un félon peut-il prendre pour devise,—“Honneur à Dieu”? - -Non, car il faut qu’il dise,—“Adieu, honneur!” - - -Je ne suis pas ce que je suis; car si j’étais ce que suis, je ne serais -pas ce que je suis, cependant je suis ce que je suis; devinez ce que je -suis? - -Un domestique qui suit sa maîtresse. - - - - - ARITHMETICAL PUZZLES - - -Write eleven thousand eleven hundred and eleven. - - METHOD.— 11,000 + 1,100 + 11 = 12,111. - - -What four United States coins will amount to fifty-one cents? - -ANSWER.—Two twenty five cent pieces and two half cents. - - -Place three 6’s together so as to amount to 7. - - METHOD.— 6-6/6 = 7. - - -Place three 2’s together so as to make 24. - - METHOD.— 22 + 2 = 24. - - -Place three 3’s together so as to make 24. - - METHOD.— 3^3 - 3 = 24. - - -Take one from nine and make it ten. - -METHOD.—Write nine thus, IX; take away the I we have X. - - -Add one to nine and make it twenty. - -METHOD.—Nine is IX; cross the I we have XX. - - -Prove that one taken from nineteen leaves twenty. - -METHOD.—Take the I from XIX, and we have XX. - - -Make four straight lines and then add five straight lines and make ten. - - METHOD.— | | | | ; TEN. - - -Prove that the half of eleven is six. - -METHOD.—In XI draw a line thus, - - VI - ——, - ΛI - -the upper half is VI. - - -Prove that one added to twenty is nineteen. - - METHOD.—Add I to XX we have XIX. - - -What number of three figures multiplied by 8 will make exactly 10? - - ANSWER.— 1¼ or 1.25. - - -Does the top of a carriage-wheel move faster than the bottom? If so, -explain the reason. - -ANSWER.—The top always moves faster than the bottom. - - -Which is greater, and how much, six dozen dozen or a half a dozen dozen; -or is there no difference between them? - - The former. - - -Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? - -ANSWER.—The pound of feathers, because it is weighed by Avoirdupois -weight, while gold is weighed by Troy weight. - - -Take fifty, add a cipher, add five, add the fifth of eight, and the -total is the sum of human happiness. - - ANSWER.—LOVE. - - -Six ears of corn are in a hollow stump; how long will it take a squirrel -to carry them all out if he takes out three ears a day? - -REMARK.—The “catch” is on the word ears. He takes out two ears on his -head and one ear of corn each day; hence, it takes six days. - - -How to prove, by mathematical principles, that two unequal numbers are -equal, as 4 = 2. - -METHOD.—All will admit that 8 - 8 = 4 - 4. Divide both of these by 2 - -2, and the quotient will be equal. Thus, - - (8 - 8) (4 - 4) - —————— = ——————, or 4 = 2 - (2 - 2) (2 - 2) - - -Supposing there are more persons in the world than any one has hairs on -his head; then there must be at least two persons who have the same -number of hairs on their head to a hair. Show how this is. - - -Place 17 little sticks—matches for instance—making 6 equal squares, as -in the margin. Then remove 5 sticks, and leave three perfect squares of -the same size. - - +---+---+---+ - | | | | - +---+---+---+ - | | | | - +---+---+---+ - -ANSWER.—The method of doing this is indicated below this answer. - - +---+ - | | - +---+---+---+ - | | | | - +---+ +---+ - - -A and B have an 8 gallon cask full of wine, which they wish to divide -into two equal parts, and the only measures they have are a 5-gallon -cask and a 3-gallon cask. How shall they make the division with these -two vessels? - -METHOD.—First fill the 3-gallon cask from the 8-gallon cask; then pour -these 3 gallons into the 5-gallon cask; then fill the 3-gallon cask -again, and fill the 5-gallon cask from the 3-gallon cask; this will -leave 1 gallon in the 3-gallon cask; then empty the 5-gallon cask into -the 8-gallon cask, pour the 1 gallon from the 3-gallon cask into the -5-gallon cask, and fill the 3-gallon cask from the 8-gallon cask. There -will then be 4 gallons in the 8-gallon cask. - - -Two men in an oyster saloon laid a wager as to which could eat the most -oysters. One ate ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred, and won. How -many did both eat? - -REMARK.—The catch is on a hundred and _won_. When spoken it sounds as if -it meant “one ate ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred and one;” -hence, the result usually given is two hundred. The correct result is -one hundred and ninety-nine. - - -If a room with 8 corners had a cat in each corner, seven cats before -each cat, and a cat on each cat’s tail, what would be the whole number -of cats? - -ANSWER.—Eight cats. - - -Tell a person to think of a number, multiply by 3, multiply the product -by 2, divide the result by 6, add 20, subtract the number thought of, -divide by 4, and then tell him what his result is. - -METHOD.—The result will be five. The reason is clear. By multiplying by -3 and 2 and dividing by 6 he has obtained the number thought of. Add 20, -he has the number thought of, plus 20; then subtract the number thought -of, and he has twenty. Now I know he has twenty; hence, I can tell him -what he has if he divides by 4. - - -A farmer having an ox-chain consisting of 15 links, broke it into five -equal parts, and took it to a blacksmith to be welded together. The -blacksmith agreed to repair it for 50 cents for each welding; but when -he presented his bill he charged for four weldings, making the bill -$2.00. The farmer objected to the bill, saying that it should have been -repaired with only three weldings. How was it to be done? - -METHOD.—Each piece consisted of three links; cut open the three links of -one piece and use these to connect the other four pieces of the chain. - - -Think of a number, multiply by six, divide by three, add forty, divide -by two; name the result, and I will name the number thought of. - -METHOD.—Multiplying by six and dividing by three gives twice the number; -add forty we have twice the number, plus forty, divide by two we have -once the number, plus twenty; hence, if I subtract twenty from the -result he gives me I have the number thought of. - - -Let a person select a number greater than 1 and not exceeding 10. I will -add to it a number not exceeding 10, alternately with himself; and, -although he has the advantage in selecting the number to start with, I -will reach the even hundred first. - -METHOD.—I make my additions so that the sums are 12, 23, 34, 45, etc., -to 89, when it is evident I can reach the hundred first. With one who -does not know the method, I need not run through the entire series, but -merely aim for 89, and when the secret of this is seen aim at 78, then -67, etc. - - -Think of a number of 3 or more figures, divide by nine, and name the -remainder; erase one figure of the number, divide by 9, and tell me the -remainder and I will tell you what figure you erased. - -METHOD.—If the second remainder is less than the first, the figure -erased is the difference between the remainders; but if the second -remainder is greater than the first, the figure erased equals 9, minus -the difference of the remainders. - - -Let a person think of any number on the dial face of a watch. I will -then point to various numbers, and at each he will silently add one to -the number selected, until he arrives at twenty, which he will announce -aloud; and my pointer will then be on the number he selected. - -METHOD.—I point promiscuously about the face of the watch until the -eighth point, which should be on the “12.” I then pass regularly around -toward the “1” pointing at “11,” “10,” “9,” etc., until “twenty” is -called, when my pointer will be over the number selected. - - -Take _nine_ from _six_ and _ten_ from _nine_ and _fifty_ from _forty_, -and _six_ will remain. - - SIX IX XL - IX X L - —— —— —— - S I X - - -Two-thirds of six is nine, one-half of twelve is seven, the half of five -is four, and six is half of eleven. - -METHOD.—Two-thirds of SIX is IX, the upper half of XII is VII, the half -of FIVE is IV, and the upper half of XI is VI. - - -Two men have 24 ounces of fluid which they wish to divide between them -equally. How shall they effect the division, provided they have only -three vessels; one containing 5 oz., the other 11 oz., and the third 13 -oz.? - -METHOD.—The method is similar to the division of 8 gallons in the -question on page 78. - - -Three persons own 51 quarts of rice, and have only two measures; one a -4-quart, the other a 7-quart measure. How shall they divide it into -three equal parts? - -METHOD.—One-third of 51 is 17; so each must have 17 quarts. To measure -17 quarts fill the 7-quart measure twice and pour into some large -vessel, making 14 quarts; then fill the 7-quart measure, draw off 4 -quarts in the 4-quart measure, and then pour the remaining 3 quarts in -the vessel containing the 14 quarts. - - -Think of a number composed of two unequal digits, invert the digits, -take the difference between this and the original number, name one of -the digits and I will name the other. - -METHOD.—The sum of the digits in the difference is always nine; hence, -when one is named the other equals 9, minus the one named. - - -Take any number, consisting of three consecutive digits and permutate -them, making 6 numbers, and take the sum of these numbers, divide by 6, -and tell me the result and I will tell you the digits of the number -taken. - -METHOD.—The quotient consists of three equal digits; the digits of the -number taken are: 1st. one of these equal digits; 2d. this digit -increased by a unit; 3d. this digit diminished by a unit. The same -principle holds when the digits of the number taken differ by 2, 3, or -4. It is a very pretty problem to prove that the sum is always divisible -by 9 and 18. - - -Take any number, divide it by 9, and name the remainder. Multiply the -number by some number which I name, and divide the product by 9, and I -will name the remainder. - -METHOD.—To tell the remainder, I multiply the first remainder by the -number by which I told them to multiply the given number, and divide -this product by 9. The remainder is the second number obtained. - - -Think of a number greater than 3, multiply it by 3; if even, divide it -by 2; if odd, add 1, and then divide by 2. Multiply the quotient by 3; -if even, divide by 2; if odd, add 1, and then divide by 2. Now divide by -9 and tell the quotient without the remainder, and I will tell you the -number thought of. - -METHOD.—If _even_ both times, multiply the quotient by 4; if even 2d and -odd 1st, multiply by 4 and add 1; if even 1st and odd 2d, multiply by 4 -and add 2; if odd both times, multiply by 4 and add 3. - - -Suppose it were possible for a man in Cincinnati to start on Sunday -noon, when the sun is in the meridian, and travel westward with the sun -so that it might be in his meridian all the time. Now it was Sunday noon -when he started, it has been noon with him all the way round, and is -Monday noon when he returns. The question is, at what point did it -change from Sunday noon to Monday noon? - - -Take any number, subtract the sum of the digits, strike out any digit -from the remainder, tell me the sum of the remaining digits, and I will -tell you the digit struck out. - -METHOD.—Subtract the “sum of the remaining digits” from the smallest -multiple of nine greater than “the sum.” The remainder will be the digit -struck out. - - -In the bottom of a well, 45 feet deep, there was a frog which commenced -traveling toward the top. In his journey he ascended 3 feet every day, -but fell back 2 feet every night. In how many days did he get out? - -METHOD.—He gains 1 foot a day, and in 42 days he is 3 feet from the top; -and on the 43d day he reaches the top. - - -Think of any three numbers less than 10. Multiply the first by 2 and add -5 to the product. Multiply this sum by 5 and add the second number to -the product. Multiply the last result by 10 and add the third number to -the product; then subtract 250. Name the remainder and I will name the -numbers thought of and in the order in which they were thought of. - -METHOD.—The three digits composing this remainder will be the numbers -thought of: and the order in which they were thought of will be the -order of hundreds, tens, and units. - - -If a man had a triangular lot of land, the largest side being 136 rods, -and each of the other sides 68 rods; what would be the value of the -grass on it at the rate of $10 an acre? - -REMARK.—The “catch” in this is that the sides given will form no -triangle. - - -Says A to B: “Give me four weights and I can weigh any number of pounds -not exceeding 40.” Required the weights and the method of weighing. - -ANSWER.—The weights are 1, 3, 9, and 27 pounds. In weighing we must put -one or more in both scales, or some in one scale and some in another: -thus, 7 lbs. = 9 lbs. + 1 lb. - 3 lbs. - - -Three men traveling with their wives came to a river which they wished -to cross. There was but one boat and but two could cross at one time; -and since the husbands were jealous no woman could be with a man unless -her own husband was present. In what manner did they get across the -river? - -METHOD.—Let the persons be denoted A, B, and C, and Mrs. A, Mrs. B, and -Mrs. C. First Mr. A and Mrs. A go over; then A comes back and Mrs. B and -Mrs. C go over; then Mrs. A comes back and Mr. B and Mr. C go over; then -Mr. B and Mrs. B return and Mr. A and Mr. B go over; then Mrs. C returns -and Mrs. A and Mrs. B go over; then Mr. C returns and takes his wife, -Mrs. C, over. - - -A man having a fox, a goose, and some corn came to a river which it was -necessary to cross. He could, however, take only one across at a time, -and if he left the goose and corn while he took the fox over, the goose -would eat the corn; but if he left the fox and goose, the fox would kill -the goose. How shall he get them all safely over? - -METHOD.—First he takes the goose over, then returns and takes the fox -over, then brings the goose back and takes the corn over, and then -returns and takes the goose over again. - - -How may the 9 digits be arranged in a rectangular form so that the sum -of any row, whether horizontal, vertical, or diagonal, shall equal 15? - -ANSWER.—As below. - - +---+---+---+ - | 4 | 9 | 2 | - +---+---+---+ - | 3 | 5 | 7 | - +---+---+---+ - | 8 | 1 | 6 | - +---+---+---+ - - -How may the first 16 digits be arranged so that the sum of the vertical, -the horizontal, and the two oblique rows may equal 34? - -ANSWER.—As below. - - +----+----+----+----+ - | 1 | 16 | 11 | 6 | - +----+----+----+----+ - | 13 | 4 | 7 | 10 | - +----+----+----+----+ - | 8 | 9 | 14 | 3 | - +----+----+----+----+ - | 12 | 5 | 2 | 15 | - +----+----+----+----+ - - -In what manner may the first 25 digits be arranged so that the sum of -each row of five figures may equal 65? - -ANSWER.—As below. - - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 1 | 10 | 12 | 18 | 24 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 9 | 11 | 20 | 22 | 3 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 13 | 19 | 21 | 5 | 7 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 17 | 23 | 4 | 6 | 15 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - | 25 | 2 | 8 | 14 | 16 | - +----+----+----+----+----+ - - -An old Jew took a diamond cross to a jeweler to have the diamonds reset, -and fearing the jeweler might be dishonest, he counted the diamonds and -found that they numbered 7 in three different ways. Now the jeweler -stole two diamonds, but arranged the remainder so that they counted 7 -each way as before. How was it done? - - Fig. 1. Fig. 2. - 7 7 - 6 7 6 7 - 7 6 5 6 7 5 - 4 4 - 3 3 - 2 2 - 1 1 - -METHOD.—The form of the cross when left is represented by Fig. 1, and -when returned by Fig. 2. It will be seen by the figures how the diamonds -were counted by the old Jew, and how they were arranged by the jeweler, -who “jewed” the Jew. - - -Take 10 pieces of money, lay them in a row, and require some one to put -them together into heaps of two in each heap by passing each piece over -two others. - -METHOD.—Let the pieces be denoted by the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, -9, 10. Then place 7 on 10, 5 on 2, 3 on 8, 1 on 4, and 9 on 6. - - -A man goes to a store and purchases a pair of boots worth $5 and hands -out a $50 bill to pay for them. The merchant, not being able to make the -change, goes over the street to a broker and gets the bill changed and -then returns and gives the man who bought the boots his change. After -the purchaser of the boots had been gone a few hours the broker, finding -the bill to be a counterfeit, comes and demands $50 of good money from -the merchant. How much does the merchant lose? - -REMARK.—At first glance some say $45 and the boots, some $50 and the -boots, some $95 and the boots, and others $100 and the boots. Which is -correct? - - -A vessel with a crew of 30 men, half of whom were black, became short of -provisions and fearing that unless half the crew were thrown overboard -all would perish, the captain proposed to the sailors to stand upon deck -in a row and every ninth man be thrown overboard until half the crew -were destroyed. It so happened that the whites were saved. Required, the -order of arrangement. - -ANSWER.—W W W W B B B B B W W B W W W B W B B W W B B B W B B W W B. -This can easily be proved by trial, using letters or figures to -represent men. - - -Suppose a hare is 10 rods before a hound, and that the hound runs 10 -rods while the hare runs 1 rod. Now, when the hound has run 10 rods the -hare has run 1 rod; hence they are now 1 rod apart, and when the hound -has run that one rod the hare has run 1/10 of a rod; hence they are now -1/10 of a rod apart, and when the hound has run the 1/10 of a rod they -are 1/100 of a rod apart; and in the same way it may be shown the hare -is always 1/10 of the previous distance ahead of the hound; hence the -hound can never catch the hare. How is the contrary shown -mathematically? How far will the hound run to catch the hare. - -ANSWER.—The distance the hound runs will be represented by the series - - 1 1 1 - 10 + 1 + ——— + ——— + ————, - 10 100 1000 - -to infinity. The sum of this series can be found by the algebraic -formula - - _a_ - S = ———————, - (1 - _r_) - -in which _a_ = 10 and _r_ = 1/10. Substituting the value of _a_ and _r_ -we have - - 10 10 - ——————— ————— 100 - S = 1 = 9 = ——— = 11-1/9. - 1 - ——— ——— 9 - 10 10 - -This may be solved more simply as follows: The hound runs 10 times as -fast as the fox, hence 10 times the distance the fox runs equals the -distance the hound runs. Then 10 times the distance the fox runs, minus -once the distance the fox runs, which is 9 times the distance the fox -runs, is 10 rods; and once the distance the fox runs is 1/9 of 10 rods, -or 10/9 rods; and 10 times the distance the fox runs, or the distance -the hound runs, is 10 times 10/9 or 100/9, or 11-1/9 rods. - - -If through passenger trains, running to and from Philadelphia and San -Francisco daily, start at the same hour from each place (difference of -longitude not being considered) and take the same time—seven days—for -the trip, how many through trains will the Pacific Express, that leaves -the San Francisco depot at 9 P. M. Sunday, have met when it reaches the -Philadelphia depot? - -ANSWER.—As the Pacific Express starts from San Francisco, a train which -left Philadelphia the previous Sunday reaches San Francisco, which is -not to be counted as a meeting of trains. There are, however, six other -trains on the way which it will meet. Also, a train starts from -Philadelphia on the same Sunday as the train starts from San Francisco, -another on Monday, another on Tuesday, etc., up to Saturday—that is, -seven trains, all of which it meets, making, with the six trains -previously started, thirteen trains in all which it meets. A train -leaves Philadelphia on Sunday at the same time the Pacific Express -reaches there, but this is not counted as a meeting. - - -A switch siding to a single-track railroad is just long enough to clear -a train of eight cars and a locomotive. How can two trains of sixteen -cars and a locomotive, each going in opposite directions, pass each -other at this siding and each locomotive remain with, and have the same -relative position to its own train after as before passing? - -[Illustration: line drawing] - -ANSWER.—Let one train and its locomotive be denoted by A, and the other -train and locomotive by B, and let the track be denoted by _a b_ and the -siding by _c d_, and suppose train A to be going in the direction of _a -b_, and train B in the direction of _b a_. Then let locomotive B, with -eight cars, run out toward _a_, past _c_, and back up on the siding with -its eight cars; then let train A run out toward _b_, past _c_; then let -B draw its eight cars on to the main track and run out toward _a_; then -let train A back over toward _a_, past _c_, and locomotive A be detached -from train A and run over toward _b_ and connect with the eight cars of -train B and draw them over past _c_, and back them up on the siding, and -then run off the siding and connect again with its own cars and run on -toward _b_, past _c_; then let locomotive B back its eight cars and, -turning on the siding, connect the two halves of its train and move off -past _a_, the train A moving on at the same time past _b_. - - -A and B went to market with 30 pigs each. A sold his pigs at 2 for $1, -and B sold his pigs at the rate of 3 for $1, and they, together, -received $25. The next day A went to market alone with 60 pigs, and, -wishing to sell at the same rate, sold them 5 for $2, and received only -$24. Why should he not receive as much as when B owned half of the pigs? - -ANSWER.—The rate of 2 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $½, and the rate of 3 -pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $⅓; the average rate is 2 pigs for $½ + $⅓, or -$⅚, or 1 pig for $5/12. The rate of 5 pigs for $2 is 1 pig for $⅖. So it -is seen that the reason A did not receive as much is that he sold his -pigs at a less rate than when they both went to market. - - -Two hunters killed a deer and sold it by the pound in the woods. They -had no proper means of weighing it, but knew their own weights—one 130 -pounds and the other 190 pounds. They placed a rail across a fence so -that it balanced with one of them on each end. They then exchanged -places, the lighter man taking the deer in his lap, and the rail again -balanced; what was the weight of the deer? - -ANSWER.—Let the weight of the deer be denoted by D; then, by the -principles of the lever, we have the proportion: - - 130 : 190 = 190 : 130 + D: - Or, 130 (130 + D) = 190 × 190; - Whence, 16900 + 130 D = 36100: - Or, 130 D = 19200; - And, D = 147-9/13. - - -Who can solve the following problem? - - A hundred and one by fifty divide, - And next let a cipher be duly applied, - And if the result you should rightly divine, - You’ll find that the whole makes but one out of nine. - -EXPLANATION.—CI, CLI, CLIO (Clio, the muse of history, one of the _nine_ -muses). - - -Suppose the figure to represent railroad tracks, C D and E F being each -the length of a car or locomotive, and _a_ and _b_ each representing a -car on the track and _c_ representing a locomotive on E F. Now how can -the locomotive change the relative position of _a_ and _b_ so that _b_ -will be on the track where _a_ is and _a_ will be on the track where _b_ -is? - -[Illustration: line drawing] - -ANSWER.—The locomotive _c_ backs _a_ down and out toward A, then runs -over toward B and backs _b_ up on E F, then runs back toward B and goes -over toward A, then runs up C E and draws _b_ down on C E, then runs -over toward A and gets car _a_, draws it over toward B and backs it up -on D E. It can also be readily done by first backing _a_ down on A C and -drawing to and leaving it on C D. - - - - - TALKS - - BY GEORGE THATCHER - - The Celebrated Minstrel - - 140 Pages Paper Binding 25 Cents - - -This unique volume supplies in a most satisfactory way the want that has -heretofore been but indifferently met by the so-called Stump-Speech -books. Mr. Thatcher is without doubt the most popular man in minstrelsy, -his name being known among mirth-loving people everywhere, not only in -America, but beyond the seas. It is most fortunate that the services of -a person so distinguished have been secured for the preparation of this -book, especially since he has put in it his own original matter exactly -as he uses it nightly to convulse his audiences with laughter. The book -contains all his Monologues, Parodies, Songs, Sketches, Poems, Speeches, -Jokes, etc., etc. It will be found invaluable to every humorous reader, -to amateur and professional minstrels, and in addition will prove -interesting reading to any person who is fond of the lighter vein of -literature. - - - - - JOKES - - GATHERED BY - - HENRY FIRTH WOOD - - The Popular Humorist - - ILLUSTRATED - - 150 Pages Paper Binding 25 Cents - - -This attractive little volume is a collection of the brightest, -funniest, and most catchy Jokes of the day. They are all short, some of -them occupying only six or eight lines, but they are as pointed as -short, and all are fairly bristling with wit and humor of the keenest -kind. There are no old ones among them, the collection being the very -latest crop. - -They are classified, according to their character, under such headings -as “Womankind,” “Youth,” “Bald and Tough,” etc., ten sections in all, -and each headed with a peculiarly appropriate illustration. - -The author is widely and favorably known through his humorous lectures -and readings, and both publicly and privately is recognized as one of -the genuinely funny men of the day. - -It is a book that can be picked up and enjoyed at any time, and if read -aloud to a company will afford an infinite fund of mirth and merriment. - - - - - FULL OF FUN - - 250 PAGES PAPER BINDING 50 CENTS - - -The suggestive and peculiarly fitting title of this attractive volume -faithfully describes the character of its contents, as it is packed full -of fun from the beginning to the end. It is composed of three popular -titles, TALKS, by the celebrated minstrel, George Thatcher, containing -all his monologues, songs, witty sayings, etc.; JOKES, by the popular -humorist, Henry Firth Wood, comprising a multitude of bright and -bristling comicalities; and CONUNDRUMS, by Dean Rivers, embracing the -latest and best in the line of Conundrums, Riddles, and Puzzles, and -including also a number of most complex Arithmetical Puzzles. The -different authors and compilers are deservedly popular and prominent as -representing the keenest and freshest in everything that is bright and -witty, and are a sure guaranty that the volume possesses all the merit -that is claimed for it. - -The collection as a whole will afford excellent amusement for the -fireside, will prove a splendid store-house from which to draw material -for anecdote or illustration, is valuable for public reading or -entertainment, and will be found enjoyable reading for private perusal, -while as a cure for an attack of the blues it is unfailing. - -Sold by all Booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon receipt of price - - - - - DANCING - - By Marguerite Wilson - - -A complete instructor, beginning with the first positions and steps and -leading up to the square and round dances. It contains also a full list -of calls for all of the square dances, and the necessary music for each -figure, the etiquette of the dances, and 100 figures for the german. It -is unusually well illustrated by a large number of original drawings. -Without doubt the best book on the subject. - - - PRACTICAL PALMISTRY - - By Henry Frith - - -There is to-day probably no more popular character study than that of -Palmistry. Many more people would be interested in it if there were a -convenient book that came within their comprehension and that was -reliable. This volume furnishes full and trustworthy information on the -subject, and with a little practice any person will be able to read -character, recall past events, and forecast future occurrences, upon -examination of the hand. Fully illustrated. - - - THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY - 923 Arch Street, Philadelphia - ------------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE - - -WARNING: Some of the puns may contain elements that we would today deem -stereotyping by race, ethnicity or gender. - -Punctuation has been normalized. Variations in hyphenation have been -retained as they were in the original publication. The following changes -have been made: - - draws and colors beatifully —> beautifully {43} - vingt quatre —> vingt-quatre {133} - cerque —> cirque {133} - difference —> différence {133} - parse qu’el —> parce qu’il {133} - Carthagenois —> Carthaginois {133} - Romans —> Romains {133} - - Quand un gant resemble-t-il an numero vingt cinq. —> - Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro vingt-cinq. {134} - - treeze —> treize {134} - Un felon peut-il prendu —> Un félon peut-il prendre {134} - j’etais —> j’étais {134} - que je suis —> ce que je suis {134} - maitresse —> maîtresse {134} - Je ne suis par —> Je ne suis pas {134} - in the margin of —> below {140, ind} - in the margin —> below {148, 149 - 3 instances} - divide the result by 6, add 25 —> add 20 {141} - -The following arithmetic problem in the original publication did not -contain a solution: - - “Suppose it were possible for a man in Cincinnati to start on Sunday - noon,” {page 145} - -Repeated chapter headings have been reduced. - -Italicized phrases are presented by surrounding the text with -_underscores_. - -Decorative use of letterspacing has not been represented in this version -of the book. - -Words and phrases presented using mixed small capital in the original -are presented in this version using all capital letters. - -Superscripted characters are indicated by preceding them with a caret -(^), as here: 3^3 - 3 = 24. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles, by Dean Rivers - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES *** - -***** This file should be named 52598-0.txt or 52598-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/5/9/52598/ - -Produced by MWS, Carolyn Jablonski and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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text-align: right; } - .c016 { text-align: right; } - .c017 { vertical-align: top; text-align: right; padding-right: 1em; } - .c018 { vertical-align: middle; text-align: center; padding-left: .5em; - padding-right: .5em; } - .c019 { vertical-align: top; text-align: left; } - .c020 { vertical-align: top; text-align: center; padding-right: 1em; - text-indent: 1.4em; } - .c021 { margin-left: 2.78%; } - .c022 { margin-left: 2.78%; margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; } - .sanstype {font-family: sans-serif;} - </style> - </head> - <body> - - -<pre> - -Project Gutenberg's Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles, by Dean Rivers - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles - Containing one thousand of the latest and best conundrums, - gathered from every conceivable source, and comprising - many that are entirely new and original - -Author: Dean Rivers - -Release Date: July 18, 2016 [EBook #52598] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES *** - - - - -Produced by MWS, Carolyn Jablonski and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class='figcenter id001'> -<img src='images/cover.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id002'> -<img src='images/titlepage.jpg' alt='titlepage' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div> - <h1 class='c000'><span class='xxlarge'><b>Conundrum<i>s</i></b></span> <br /> <br /> <span class='xxlarge'><b>Riddles <i>and</i> Puzzles</b></span></h1> -</div> - -<p class='c001'>Containing one thousand of the -late<i>s</i>t and be<i>s</i>t <em class='gesperrt'>Conundrums</em>, -gathered from every conceivable -source, and comprising many that -are entirely new and original</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c002'> - <div><b><span class='small'>By</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='large'>DEAN RIVERS</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='small'>Philadelphia</span></b></div> - <div><b><span class='small'>The Penn Publishing Company</span></b></div> - <div><b><span class='small'>1903</span></b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c002'> - <div><b><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Copyright 1893 by The Penn Publishing Company</span></span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Copyright 1900 by The Penn Publishing Company</span></span></b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_3'>3</span> - <h2 class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'>PREFACE</span></b></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>A taste for guessing puzzles and enigmas is coeval -with the race. The early Greeks were extremely -fond of such intellectual exercises, and -they are found in the language of all civilized -nations. One of the brightest forms of these -puzzles is that of the conundrum, the answer of -which is usually a play upon words similar to the -pun. Each language has its own particular form -of this kind of wit, but the English language, on -account of its composite nature, is especially rich -in such forms of wit and humor.</p> - -<p class='c006'>The compiler of this little volume has made a -choice selection of conundrums from those in -actual use among people belonging to refined and -cultured society. They are classified under four -principal heads—General Conundrums, Biblical -Conundrums, Poetical Conundrums, and French -Conundrums. Some of the most ingenious and -interesting forms of wit will be found under each -of these classes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In addition to these conundrums, the book contains -a rare collection of arithmetical puzzles. -These were especially prepared for the work by a -mathematician of wide reputation who has used -<span class='pageno' id='Page_4'>4</span>many of them in one of his own publications. -They will be found of great interest to those who -have a taste for numbers and their curious combinations -and results.</p> - -<p class='c006'>The collection as a whole will afford innocent -recreation for the fireside and social circle, and -thus contribute to the happiness of those who -enjoy the higher forms of pleasure that flow from -the exercise of the mind upon those subjects that -require quickness of thought and a nimble wit.</p> - -<div class='c007'><span class='sc'>The Author.</span></div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_5'>5</span> - <h2 class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'>CONTENTS</span></b></h2> -</div> - -<table class='table0' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='53%' /> -<col width='46%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c009'><span class='small'>PAGE</span></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>General Conundrums</span>,</td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#GENERAL'>9</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Biblical Conundrums</span>,</td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#BIBLICAL'>117</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Poetical Conundrums</span>,</td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#POETICAL'>125</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>French Conundrums</span>,</td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#FRENCH'>133</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'><span class='sc'>Arithmetical Puzzles</span>,</td> - <td class='c009'><a href='#ARITHMETICAL'>137</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_9'>9</span> - <h2 id='GENERAL' class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'><span class='sc'>General Conundrums</span></span></b></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Why is life the greatest of all conundrums? -Because we must all give it up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? -When its soldiers are all in quarters.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is swifter, heat or cold? Heat, -because you can catch cold.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a young lady like a letter? Because -if she isn’t well stamped the mails (males) -won’t take her.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are dudes no longer imported into this -country from England? Because a Yankee -dude ’ll do (Yankee doodle doo).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What flowers can be found between the nose -and chin? Tulips (two lips).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a dude’s hat like swearing? Because -it is something to avoid.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to -by the English prayer-book? Sixteen: Four -richer, four poorer, four better, four worse.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_10'>10</span>Why is a bright young lady like a spoon in a -cup of tea? Because she is interesting (in tea -resting).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a young man think his sweetheart -is like a door-knob? Because she is something -to adore (a door).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the emblem of the United States more -enduring than that of France, England, Ireland, -or Scotland?</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c003'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>The <i>Lily</i> may fade and its leaves decay,</div> - <div class='line in2'>The <i>Rose</i> from its stem may sever,</div> - <div class='line'>The <i>Shamrock</i> and <i>Thistle</i> may pass away,</div> - <div class='line in2'>But the <i>Stars</i> will shine forever.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it -needs two heads and an application.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the shape of a kiss? Elliptical.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a kiss like gossip? Because it goes -from mouth to mouth.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle -does it make? A rebus.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is it George Washington seldom saw, -God never saw, and we see every day? Our -equals.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is better than God, worse than the -devil, the dead live on, and the living would die -if they lived on? Nothing.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_11'>11</span>Prove by logic that an oyster is better than -heaven. Nothing is better than heaven; an -oyster is better than nothing; therefore an -oyster is better than heaven.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a honeymoon -and a honeycomb? One is a big sell, the other -little cells.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man who makes pens a wicked -man? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens -and then says they do write (right).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a lady and an -apple? One you have to get side her to squeeze, -and the other you have to squeeze to get cider.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of -in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did -murder most foul.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during -the week? Because during the week you get -it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by -the choir.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which death would you prefer to die, Joan -of Arc’s or Mary Stuart’s? Most people prefer -Joan of Arc’s, because they like a hot steak -better than a cold chop.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What great writer’s name might you appropriately -mention if you were standing by the -grave of Bob Ingersoll? Robert Burns.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_12'>12</span>What three great writers names might you -think of if you were watching a house burn -down? Dickens, Howett, Burns.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If you were invited out to dinner and on -sitting down to the table saw nothing but a -beet, what would you say? That beet’s all.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Give a definition of love. An inward inexpressibility -and an outward alloverishness; or, -the classical definition of a collegiate is, “Love -is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fusion -of the intellect, sensibility, and will.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is charity like a top? When it begins -to hum.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man sometimes like dough? Not -because a woman needs (kneads) him, but because -he is hard to get off of her hands.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a minister always say “dearly -beloved brethren” and not refer to the sisters? -Because the brethren embrace the sisters.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What part of a ragged garment resembles the -Pope’s title? Its Holiness.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor -alike? Because they have both stopped quacking.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is the best time to read from the book -of nature? When the spring opens the leaves -and the autumn turns them.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_13'>13</span>In what liquid does the Queen of England -take her medicine? In cider (side her).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? -Because he lies on one side, then turns around -and lies on the other.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? -Because they press their suits.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a man of greatest use at the dinner-table? -When he is a spoon.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a rejected and -an accepted lover? One misses the kisses and -the other kisses the misses.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a church deacon -and a little rag-a-muffin? One passes the -sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the passer.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a lover like a knocker? Because he -is bound to adore (a door).</p> - -<p class='c006'>In what colored ink should we write our secrets? -In violet (inviolate).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a young lady like an arrow? Because -she can’t go off without a bow (beau), -and is in a quiver till she gets one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a young lady fell into a well why couldn’t -her brother help her out? Because, how could -he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_14'>14</span>If all the women went to China, where would -the men go? To Pekin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a Russian soldier wear brass buttons -on his coat, and an Austrian soldier wear -steel ones? To keep his coat buttoned.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between an old penny -and a new dime? Nine cents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How is the best way to make a coat last? -To make the trousers and vest first.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word of four syllables would a man utter -if he should eat his wife and wanted to express -his approbation of the deed? Gladiator (glad -I ate her).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a cat look on first one side and -then another when she enters a room? Because -she can’t look on both sides at the same -time.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a widower like a young baby? Because -he cries a great deal the first six months, -looks around the second six months, and has -hard work to get through his second summer.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Philadelphia more subject to earthquakes -than any other city? Because she is a -Quaker city.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irishman -rolling down a hill? Because he’s patroling -(Pat rolling).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_15'>15</span>If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, -in what order would they come? They would -all get there down to <i>S</i>, and the rest would come -after <i>T</i>.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What would contain all the snuff in the -world? No one nose (knows).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a hound like a man with a bald head? -Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long -ways.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the first thing a man sets in his garden? -His foot.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who were the first astronomers? The stars, -because they have studded the heavens ever -since the creation.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may you be said to imbibe a piano? -When you have a piano for tea (pianoforte).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may bread be said to be alive? When -it has a little Indian in it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit -half dollar passed on him want to get married? -To get a better half.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a sculptor die a most horrible -death? Because he makes faces and busts.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do we generally dub a city her or she? -Because about a city there is so much bustle -and because she has outskirts.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_16'>16</span>Why does a hair-dresser die a sad death? -Because he curls up and dies (dyes).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are washwomen great flirts? Because -they wring men’s bosoms.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what -is squeezing point? Two in the shade.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is -a zephyr, a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story, -a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an attachment -is love, and love is blind; therefore, -the winds are blind.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a married man like a fire? Because -he provokes his wife by going out at night.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a pig’s brain larger than any other -animal’s? Because he has a hog’s head full.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Where was the first Adams Express Company -located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve -was created.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a young lady -and a mouse? One charms the he’s, the other -harms the cheese.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are men like facts? Because they are -stubborn things.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a gardener and -a Chinaman? One keeps the lawn wet, the -other keeps the lawn dry (laundry).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>Why is a young lady’s age after she has -reached twenty-five like a floral wedding bell? -Because it is never told.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a door not a door? When it’s an -egress (a negress).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she -deals in precious tones (precious stones).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a bee a great nuisance? When it is -a humbug.</p> - -<p class='c006'>A New Yorker asks: What popular book -could the two cities, New York and Philadelphia, -be compared to? The <i>Quick or the Dead</i>.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than -in winter? Because in winter he wears a fur -coat and in summer he wears a coat and -pants.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it more dangerous to go out in the -spring than any other time of the year? Because -in the spring the grass has blades, the -flowers have pistils, the leaves shoot, and the -bullrushes out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a hill and a -pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to -get down.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a lazy dog like a hill? Because he -is a slow pup (slope up).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>A man and goose once went up in a balloon -together, the balloon burst and they landed on -a church steeple, how did the man get down? -Plucked the goose.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man riding up a hill like a man -taking a young dog to a lady? Because he is -taking a gallop up (gal a pup).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man? -Because he is always looking down in the -mouth and dams all his patients.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a king’s son, -a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan? -A king’s son is the heir apparent, a -monkey’s mother is a hairy parent, a bald head -has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary -a parent.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, -what would be the prices current of their pies? -The pie rates of Penn’s Aunts (Pirates of Penzance).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What celebrated man in English history -might you name if you wished to tell your servant -to replenish the fire in your grate? Philip -the Great (fill up the grate).</p> - -<p class='c006'>A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep -and one died, how many remained? Nineteen.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>What is the difference between an Irishman -on a bleak mountain-top and a Scotchman? -One is kilt with the cowld and the other is -cowled with the kilt.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what -would the wood come to burned on them for -one month? Come to ashes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between Niagara Falls -and Queen Elizabeth? One is a wonder, the -other is a Tudor.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is a soldier’s definition of a kiss? A -report at headquarters.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it easy to break into an old man’s -house? Because his gait (gate) is broken and -his locks are few.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word of only three syllables combines -in it twenty-six letters? Alphabet.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Where can one always find happiness? In -the dictionary.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When will there be but twenty-five letters in -the alphabet? When U and I are one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to -believe in the existence of young ladies? Because -he calls every miss a mith.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of -Orleans.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>Why are your eyes like friends separated by -the ocean? Because they correspond but never -meet.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a lady who faints in a public place -like a good intention? Because she needs carrying -out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the brightest idea in the world? -Your eye, dear.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What animal drops from the clouds? The -rain, dear (reindeer).</p> - -<p class='c006'>I went out walking one day and met three -beggars; to the first I gave ten cents, to the -second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I -gave but five—what time of day was it? A -quarter to three.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which by losing an eye has -nothing left but a nose? Noise.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a hen immortal? Because her son -never sets.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which is full of holes and yet -holds water? A sponge.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What will impress the ear more sharply than -a falsetto voice? A false set of teeth.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which is put on the table and -cut, but is never eaten. A pack of cards.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_21'>21</span>What is the oldest table in the world? The -multiplication table.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which river is the coldest? The Isis (ice is).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because -they mew till late and destroy patience -(patients).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare -was a broker? Because no other man has furnished -so many stock quotations.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How can you distinguish a fashionable man -from a tired dog? One wears an entire costume, -the other wears simply a coat and pants.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache -like a cow’s tail? Because he grows down.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a professional thief very comfortable? -Because he usually takes things so easy.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a man obliged to keep his word? -When no one will take it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an attractive woman like a successful -gambler? Because she has such winning ways.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the food one eats on an ocean -steamer like a difficult conundrum? Because -one is obliged to give it up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are stout men usually sad? Because -they are men of sighs (size).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>Why are two young ladies kissing each other -an emblem of Christianity? Because they are -doing unto each other as they would that men -should do unto them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a woman and -an umbrella? You can shut an umbrella up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why would it be very appropriate for a man -named Benjamin to marry a girl named Annie? -Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she -Annie-mated.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is this continent like milk? Because -it’s ours (it sours).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the color of the winds and waves in -a severe storm? The winds blew (blue), the -waves rose.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a baker a most improvident person? -Because he is continually selling that which he -kneads himself.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is it we all frequently say we will do -and no one has ever yet done? Stop a minute.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How can you by changing the pronunciation -of a word only turn mirth into crime? By -making man’s laughter manslaughter.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a room full of married people like an -empty room? Because there is not a single -person in it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_23'>23</span>Which one of the United States is the largest -and most popular? The state of matrimony.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which nation produces the most marriages? -Fascination.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a horse like a house? When he has -blinds on.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a bridegroom often more expensive -than a bride? Because the bride is given away, -but the bridegroom is often sold.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is divinity the easiest of all professions? -Because it is easier to preach than to practice.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is love deformed? When it is all on -one side.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a butcher and -a flirt? One kills to dress, and the other dresses -to kill.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When was B the first letter in the alphabet? -In the days of No-a (Noah).</p> - -<p class='c006'>How can I remove A from the alphabet? B-head -it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B -follows it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is modesty the strongest characteristic -of a watch? Because it always keeps its hands -before its face, and runs down its own works.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_24'>24</span>Why is it right for B to come before C? Because -we must B before we can C.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are two t’s like hops? Because they -make beer better.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What kind of sense does a girl long for in a -disagreeable suitor? Absence.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the -head of a pair of stairs? Because it sometimes -runs down.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who are the two largest ladies in the United -States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri -and Mississippi).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What key in music would make a good -officer? A sharp major.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the key-note to good manners? B -natural.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp? Because -he is A flat.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What do ladies look for when they go to -church? The Sams (psalms) and hims -(hymns).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are married men like steamboats? Because -they are sometimes blown up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What ship contains more people than the -“Great Eastern”? Courtship.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>Why is a ship like a woman? Because she -is often tender to a man-of war; often running -after a smack; often attached to a buoy (boy); -and frequently making up to a peer (pier).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do women make good post-office clerks? -Because they know how to manage the mails -(males).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it -is intended to keep the chaps away.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a pair of andirons cost $7.75, what would -a ton of coal come to? To ashes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is worse than raining cats and dogs? -Hailing omnibuses.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because -it is seldom seen after Lent.</p> - -<p class='c006'>On what day of the year do women talk the -least? The shortest day.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which every living person has -seen, but will never see again? Yesterday.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between dead soldiers -and repaired garments? The former are dead -men, and the latter are mended (dead).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may -you be described as stepping into his shoes? -Because you make his feet yours (features).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span>Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? -Because it will be long enough before he gets -another.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note -or five gold dollars? The note, because when -you put it in your pocket you double it, and -when you take it out again you see it increases.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between the Prince of -Wales and the water in a fountain? One is -heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon -wheel? Because she is surrounded by felloes -(fellows).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is it dangerous to enter a church? -When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a -great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges -the congregation.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between form and ceremony? -You sit upon one and stand on the -other.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the most awkward time for a train -to start? 12.50, as it’s ten to one if you catch -it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why can negroes be safely trusted with -secrets? Because they are sure to keep dark.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal? -Because he always has his back up.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_27'>27</span>Why are doctors bad characters? Because -the worse people are the more they are with -them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unladylike -thing when she married the late Lord Ragland -Somerset? Because she turned a Somerset.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why can the world be compared to music? -Because it is so full of sharps and flats.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a goose go into the water? For -diver’s reasons.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a goose come out of the water? -For sun-dry reasons.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse? -Because the more you lick it the faster it goes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage-stamp? -Because you lick him with a stick and -stand him in the corner.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because -it is in the centre of bliss, while E is in -hell and all the others are in purgatory.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the longest word in the English -language? Smiles, because there is a mile between -the first and last letter.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why have chickens no fear of a future state? -Because they have their next world (necks -twirled) in this.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted? -Because it is unlawful to condemn a man without -a hearing.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred -horse? Because he’s a perfect -brute.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which you can keep after giving -to some one else? Your word.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are -regular, irregular, and defective.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because -they both have crowns.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean? Because -it contains many currants.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who may marry many a wife and still be -single all his life? A clergyman.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Because -it once had a Solon (sole on).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are washerwomen great travelers? Because -they are continually crossing the line and -running from pole to pole.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What part of a fish is like the end of a book? -The fin-is.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is a common miracle in Ireland? Waking -the dead.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_29'>29</span>Why are bachelors bad grammarians? Because -when asked to conjugate they invariably -decline.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When could the British Empire be purchased -for the lowest sum? When Richard the Third -offered his kingdom for a horse.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the largest room in the world? The -room for improvement.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette? -Because there is always room for one -more to be taken in.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may a man be said to breakfast before -he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other -dealers? Because it won’t do for them to crack -up their goods.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is it that a gentleman has not, never -can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat -full of water? Because he requires bailing -out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a ship tell a falsehood? When -she lies at the wharf.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? -When he discovers a new star.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span>What is the difference between a mother and -a barber? The latter has razors to shave and -the former has shavers to raise.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are pianos noble characters? Because -they are grand, upright, and square.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What are they which, though always drunk, -are never intoxicated? Toasts.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When -it’s rung for dinner.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world? -Because it never shows the white feather.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold? -Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and -sometimes the noes (nose).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are some girls like old muskets? Because -they use a good deal of powder, but won’t -go off.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What kind of medicine does a man take for -a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an’ he -licks her).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because -he shrinks from washing.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a young -maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty? -One is happy and careless, and the other is -cappy and hairless.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_31'>31</span>Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because -they have both occasioned the fall of -man.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is most like a hen stealing? A cock-robin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would -he go to get another? To a grog-shop, because -bad spirits are retailed there.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a young man engaged to a young -lady like a man sailing for a port in France? -Because he is bound to Havre (have her).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store -like a house on fire? Because it starts all the -bells (belles) in the city.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why would it be impossible to starve in the -desert of Sahara? Because of the sand which -is (sandwiches) there.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How did the sandwiches get there? When -Ham was sent there with his followers, who -were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard).</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English -poet would it mention? Chaucer (chaw, -sir).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why can you never expect a fisherman to be -generous? Because his business makes him -sell fish.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it -becomes a pretty woman.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are young ladies bad grammarians? -Because so few can decline matrimony.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why can a blind man always see his father? -Because the father is always apparent (a -parent).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What does Washington, D. C., stand for? -Washington, daddy of his country.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was a defeated candidate after the late -election, like the earth? Because he was flattened -at the poles.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When was beef the highest? When the cow -jumped over the moon.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What ailment is the oak most subject to? -A corn (acorn).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a horse eat in a very odd way? -Because he eats best when he has not a bit in -his mouth.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the only organ without stops? A -woman’s organ of speech.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Give an Irishman’s definition of a lake. A -hole in the tay-kettle.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is man superior to woman? Because -woman is only a side issue.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>Why is a lady when sick at sea like some -of our literary men? Because she is a contributor -to the <i>Atlantic</i>.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? -“Because she is a joy (jaw) forever.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the proper length for a young lady -to wear her dress? A little above two feet.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man who never bets as bad as a -gambler? Because he is no bettor (better).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a cigar like dried beef? When it -is smoked.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What table has no legs to stand upon? The -multiplication table.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How do young ladies sometimes show their -dislike to mustaches? By setting their faces -against them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are there three objections to taking a -glass of brandy? Because there are three scruples -to a dram.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected -man? Because it’s down in the mouth.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which we often return, but never -borrow? Thanks.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What animals are always seen at funerals? -Black kids.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_34'>34</span>What is the difference between a French -pastry cook and a bill sticker? One puffs up -paste, the other pastes up puffs.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? -Because it’s so low (solo).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a dog biting his tail like a good -manager? Because he makes both ends meet.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by -day? Because at night he is let out, and in -the day he is taken in.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why did the Highlanders do most execution -at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt -before the battle.</p> - -<p class='c006'>At what game do the waves of the sea play? -At pitch and toss.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are fowls the most economical things a -farmer can keep? Because for every grain they -give a peck.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a pitcher of -water and a man throwing his wife over a -bridge? One is water in the pitcher, the other -is pitch her in the water.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a young lady not a young lady? -When she’s a sweet tart (sweetheart).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What confection did they have in the ark? -Preserved pairs (pears).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_35'>35</span>Why should architects make excellent actors? -Because they are good at drawing houses.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What weapon does a young man use if he -kisses a young lady by mistake? A blunderbuss.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between an auction -and seasickness? One is a sale of effects, the -other the effects of a sail.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What should a clergyman preach about? -About a half of an hour.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because -we have a peel from it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What kind of a cat do we usually find in a -large library? A cat alogue.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What sea would a man like to be in on a wet -day? Adriatic (a dry attic).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was the French Empress always in bad -company? Because she was always surrounded -by Paris-ites.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When was Napoleon First most shabbily -dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When was wit a father? When a pun became -apparent (a parent).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What grows the less tired the more it works? -A carriage wheel.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_36'>36</span>Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever -erected? Because it was partly built for one -sovereign, and finished for another.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a cradle and -the grave? The one is for the first-born, the -other for the last bourne.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How is an elephant’s head different from -every other head? Because, if you cut his -head off from his body, you don’t take it from -the trunk.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a stingy German like mutton better -than venison? Because he prefers “zat vich -is sheep to zat vich is deer.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the most wonderful animal in the -farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and -then cured.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey? -Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a tree were to break a window, what would -the window say? Tre-mend-us.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, -as when burned, they’re ashes still.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the -violet? Wilt thou, and it wilted.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a large river good for the eyes? -When it’s eye (high) water.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_37'>37</span>What is the difference between a cloud and -a whipped child? One pours with rain, the -other roars with pain.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What musical instrument invites you to fish? -Cast-a net.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What river is that which runs between two -seas? The Thames, which runs between Chel-sea -and Batter-sea.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a fisherman -and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, -the other hates his book.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which you break by even naming -it? Silence.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When has a man four hands? When he -doubles his fists.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the most difficult river on which to -get a boat? Arno, because they’re Arno boats -there.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the smallest bridge in the world? -The bridge of your nose.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a spendthrift -and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is -soft down.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a hen and an -idle musician? One lays at pleasure the other -plays at leisure.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_38'>38</span>Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because -you can’t make them here (hear).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because -they have to scratch for a living.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to -wish for? One that blows fowl and chops -about.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What tongue is it that frequently hurts and -grieves you, and yet does not speak a word? -The tongue of your shoe.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy proceeding? -Because it makes it hollow.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that from which you may take away -the whole and still have some left? The word -wholesome.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a newspaper the sharpest? When -it is filed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is English grammar like gout? Because -it’s torture (taught yer).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Give a good definition of a button. A small -affair that is always coming off.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, -ever known? That recorded of a man who -commenced by bolting a door, after which he -threw up a window, and then sat down and -swallowed a whole story.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_39'>39</span>What is the difference between a choir master -and a lady’s dress? The one trains a -choir, the other acquires a train.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why has a great gymnast very wonderful -digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles -and thrives.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is a singular and melancholy fact in -the history of Milton? That he could recite -his poems but could not resight himself.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Canada like courtship? Because it -borders on the United States.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a farmer and -a seamstress? One gathers what he sows, the -other sews what she gathers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a cow and an -old chair? One gives milk, the other gives -way (whey).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because -she brings in the clothes (close) of the -week.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an actress like an angel? Because -we seldom see one that is not painted.</p> - -<p class='c006'>At what time by the clock is a pun most -effective? When it strikes one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which never asks any questions, -but requires so many answers? The door-bell.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_40'>40</span>What kind of a book do some men wish their -wives might resemble? An almanac, for then -they could have a new one every year.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does the conductor cut a hole in your -railroad ticket? To let you pass through.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is -a specimen of hardware (wear).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a list of celebrated musical composers -like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete -without a Handel.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In what key should a man propose to his -sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B minor).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When a church is burning, what is the only -part that stands no chance at all of being saved? -The organ, because the engine can’t play -upon it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster? -Because we cannot enjoy it without crackers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a newspaper like a delicate child? -When it appears weekly.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If all the seas were dried up, what would old -Neptune say? I really haven’t an ocean (a -notion).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the letter A like twelve o’clock? Because -it comes in the middle of day.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_41'>41</span>Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, -although always first in pity, he is -always last in help.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which occurs twice in a moment -and not once in a thousand years? The -letter M.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are butchers thieves? Because they -steal a knife and cut away with it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should a man troubled with the gout -make his will? Because he will then have his -leg at ease (legatees).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful -friend? Because, although you may load his -back with silver, he will reflect on you.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between some women -and their looking-glasses? The former talk -without reflecting, the latter reflect without -talking.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast -steel (Castile).</p> - -<p class='c006'>On what supposition could pocket handkerchiefs -build a house? If they became brick -(be cambric).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a true and faithful friend like garden -seeds? Because you never know the value of -either until they are put under ground.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_42'>42</span>When does a man always have brown hands? -When he’s tand’em driving.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which is seen twice in “every -day” and four times in “every week,” yet -only once in a year? The vowel e.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which are the only two words in the English -language where the five vowels follow in successive -order? Facetious and abstemious.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word is there of eight letters which has -five of them the same? Oroonoko.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What words may be pronounced quicker and -shorter by adding another syllable to them? -Quick and short.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word composed of five letters can you -take the first two letters from and have one -remain? Stone.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which word in the English language contains -the greatest number of letters? Disproportionableness.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What relation is a child to its own father -when it is not its own father’s son? A daughter.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between the milky -way and a room full of great-grandfathers? -One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale -pas.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_43'>43</span>What was it a blind man took at breakfast -which restored his sight? He took a cup and -saw, sir (saucer).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are pipes all humbug? Because the -best of them are all meer-shams.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a meerschaum like a water-color -artist? Because it draws and colors beautifully.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what -fruit would you be reminded of? A pair.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which a cat has, but no other -animal? Kittens.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What are the features of a canon? Cannon-mouth, -cannon-ize, and cannon-eers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven. -Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is -twenty-two (twenty, too).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word of six letters contains six words -besides itself, without transposing a letter? -Herein—he, her, here, ere, rein, in.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a teapot like a kitten? When -you’re teasin’ it (tea’s in it).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a portrait like a member of Congress? -Because it is a representative.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a madman like two men? Because -he is a man beside himself.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_44'>44</span>Who was the first whistler, and what tune -did he whistle? The wind—“Over the Hills -and Far Away.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an unbound book like a person in -bed? Because it is in sheets.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is -forgotten? Because it is out of the head.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a glass of -water and a glass of whiskey? Ten cents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a paper like a beggar? Because it -is composed of rags.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of -vegetables? Because it is all heart.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an intoxicated man like a noun adjective? -Because he seldom stands alone.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a clergyman’s horse like a king? -Because he is guided by a minister.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man in a garret committing murder -like a good man? Because he is above -committing a bad action.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was the Parliament of the Commonwealth -like Samson? Because it overthrew a -house of lords.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an avaricious man like one with a -short memory? He is always for getting.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_45'>45</span>What is that which lives in winter, dies in -summer, and grows with its root upward? An -icicle.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a blacksmith’s apron like a convent? -Because it keeps off the sparks.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket-book? -Because she is clasped.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a wick of a candle like Athens? -Because it is in Greece (grease).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey? -Because it contains the ashes of the grate -(great).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a handsome woman like bread? -Because she is often toasted.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which a coach cannot move -without, and yet is not of the least use to it? -Noise.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What does a stone become when in the -water? A whetstone (wet stone).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine -minutes past twelve? When he is just -going to strike one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If you were obliged to swallow a man, what -kind of a one would you prefer to swallow? A -little Dublin porter.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_46'>46</span>What question is that to which you must -always answer “yes”? What does y-e-s spell?</p> - -<p class='c006'>What four letters of the alphabet would -frighten a thief? O I C U (oh! I see you).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly? -Because he is just ice (justice).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a new five-cent -piece and an old fashioned quarter? -Twenty cents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a man go into the law, remain in -the law, and go out of the law? He goes into -the law to get on, he remains in the law to get -oner, he retires from the law to get onest.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle? -Buy a little medicine and get a vial in.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Speak only two letters and thus name the -destiny of all earthly things? D. K.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the -desert island? Because there was a heavy -swell on the beach and a sandy cove running -up the shore.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar? -Because it makes the butter-fly.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which has neither flesh nor -bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? A -glove.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_47'>47</span>Barnum drove a ten-in-hand through New -York city, and his horses had only twenty-four -feet among them; how was that? They had -twenty fore feet.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What trade does the sun follow in the month -of May? Mason (May sun).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Of what trade are all the Presidents of the -United States? Cabinet-makers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Of what trade is a minister at a wedding? -A joiner.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Of what occupation is a manager of a -theatre? A stage-driver.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What miss is that whose company no one -ever wants? Mis-fortune.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What misses are those whose days are always -unlucky? Mis-chance and mis-hap.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What miss is always making blunders? Mis-take.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What misses are of a very jealous temper? -Mis-give and mis-trust.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is it no misfortune for a young lady to -lose her good name? When a young man gives -her a better one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a dentist do the most work? -When he extracts several acres (achers).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_48'>48</span>Why is an umbrella a paradox? Because it -is best when used up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What happens when a light falls into the -water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It -goes out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What great surgical operation does the manufacturing -of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree -panning.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In what way do women ruin their husbands? -In buy-ways.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers -of endurance? Because he holds on to the -last.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What part of the face resembles a schoolmaster? -The eyelid, because it always has a -pupil under the lash.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it that you and I must never dine -together? Because U can never come until -after I.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What profession is a postman? He is a man -of letters.</p> - -<p class='c006'>At what time of life may a man be said to -belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long -experience has made him sage.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? -U, because it is always in fun.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_49'>49</span>Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish, -or Englishmen? Englishmen. In Scotland -there are men of Ayr; in Ireland men of Cork, -but in England are lightermen.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a boat like a heap of snow? When -it is adrift.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What ’bus has found room for the greatest -number of people? Columbus.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is heavier, a half or a full moon? -The half, because the full moon is as light -again.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What tree is of the greatest importance in -history? The date.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a man like a frozen rain? When he -is hail (hale).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a lady’s arm not a lady’s arm? -When it is a little bare (bear).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a short negro like a white man? -Because he is not a tall black.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied? -Because nothing satisfies him.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like -thieves? Because they ought to be taken up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky -manufactory? Because it is a secret still.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_50'>50</span>Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate -things? Because they make a noise -whenever they are told.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for -cheating us? Because we call them to take us -in.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a cat and a -comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its -paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns -the greatest thieves in her Majesty’s service? -Because they rifle all the guns, forge the -materials, and steel all the gun breeches.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson -of three words? Never lend them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a -woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because -they both profess an attachment to the crown.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What trade is like the sun? A tanner’s.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is an extra dry subject? A mummy.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable -woman shopping.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are hogs like trees? Because they root -for a living.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_51'>51</span>Why is the moon like a marriage contract? -Because it governs the tide.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do girls kiss each other and men not? -Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and -men have.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork? -You’re too pointed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What composer is most noted of modern -times? Chloroform.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is better than to give credit to whom -it is due? Give the cash.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which musical instrument is the most moral? -An upright piano.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a dog’s tail -and a rich man? One keeps a wagging and -the other keeps a carriage.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suiter -from other men? He married his wives and -axed them afterward.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a man’s hair generally turn gray -sooner than his mustache? Because it is -about twenty-one years older.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When did George Washington first take a -carriage? When he took a hack at the cherry-tree.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_52'>52</span>What is the political character of a water-wheel? -Revolutionary.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating -her boy? Because it is a hiding of the -son.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How can a man make his money go a long -way? By contributing to foreign missions.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a person reading these conundrums -like a man condemned to undergo a military -execution? Because he is pretty sure to be -riddled to death.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Where can one always find pleasure and happiness? -In the dictionary.</p> - -<p class='c006'>During the month of heavy showers, how -has the umbrella been persistently bluffing the -game? It has been “put up or shut up” with -it all the while.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a man impose on himself? When -he taxes his memory.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart -like the growth of a successful newspaper? -His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be -tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a -Sunday supplement.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_53'>53</span>When is money damp? When it is due in -the morning and missed at night.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What killed Julius Cæsar? Roman punches.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How does the postage-stamp have the advantage -of the small boy? It can never be -licked but once.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 -like Pharaoh’s daughter? They saved a little -prophet from the rushes on the banks.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an alligator the most deceitful of -animals? Because he takes you in with an -open countenance.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are chemists and alchemists both of -the feminine gender? Because one is an analyzer -(Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte -Ann).</p> - -<p class='c006'>How do we know that Noah had a pig in -the Ark? Because he had Ham.</p> - -<p class='c006'>My first is used in driving, my second is -needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is -a bird. Whip-poor-will.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is sympathy like blind man’s buff? -Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow mortal.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_54'>54</span>Why does the air seem fresher in winter than -it does in summer? Because it’s kept on ice -most of the time.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are fish well educated? They have a -taste for going in schools.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between one yard and -two yards? A fence.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the letter S like thunder? It makes -our cream sour cream.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the easier way to commit suicide, -by taking laudanum or drowning? Ether -(either) is good.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest -piece of property in England? Because it was -bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a light in a -cave and a dance in an inn? One is a taper in -a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are records brittle things? Because -they cannot be lowered without breaking.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between forms and -ceremonies? You sit upon one and stand on -the other.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a door in the potential mood? It’s -would (wood) or should be.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_55'>55</span>What is the difference between a man going -up stairs and one looking up? One is stepping -up the stairs, the other staring up the steps.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are birds melancholy in the morning? -Because their little bills are all over due.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is there remarkable about a yard-stick? -Though it has no head or tail, it has a foot at -each end and one in the middle.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a man shot at two frogs and killed one, -what would the other one do? Croak.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What makes the waves so wild? It is having -the wind blow them up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are apples like printer’s types? Because -they are often in pi(e).</p> - -<p class='c006'>My first denotes equality, my second, inferiority, -and my whole superiority. Matchless.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are fatigued persons like a wagon -wheel? Because they are always tired.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a tin can tied to a dog’s tail like -death? Because it’s bound to a cur (occur).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a widow like a gardener? Because -she tries to get rid of her weeds.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are young ladies bad grammarians? -Because so few can decline matrimony.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_56'>56</span>Why are potatoes and corn like certain sinners -of old? Because, having eyes, they see -not, and having ears they hear not.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are blind persons compassionate? Because -they feel for other persons.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? -Because when exposed to the fire they -run.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Satan always a gentleman? Because, -being the imp of darkness he can never -be imp-o’-light.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How much earth is in a hole 3¼ × 6½ ft.? -None.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? Because -she sends off the sparks, transports the -mails, and has a train following her.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the cheapest feature of the face? -Nostrils, two for a scent (cent).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy? -Because they are men of size (sighs).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does the rain become too familiar to a -lady? When it begins to pat-her (patter) on -the back.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What relation is a door mat to a door step? -A step farther.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_57'>57</span>Why is a baker like some very disreputable -people? Because he’s a loafer and a white-cap.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How many of your relatives live on your -property? Ten-aunts (tenants).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a dime dated -1899 and a new dollar? Ninety cents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a beehive like a spectator? Because -it is a beeholder (beholder).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What are the most unsociable things in the -world? Mile-stones, for you never see two of -them together.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a regiment undergo an operation? -When deprived of its arms.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard? -A pig-sty.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between the manner -of the death of a barber and a sculptor? One -curls up and dies and the other makes faces -and busts.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why may carpenters reasonably believe -there is no such thing as stone? Because they -never saw it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is majesty deprived of its externals? -(M) a jest (Y).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_58'>58</span>Why is a good speller of a spelling match -like a glass of champagne? Because they both -go to the head.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? -When fond of his club.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his -gross profits? Because they are always net.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What will make pies inquisitive? S will -make spies of them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an empty purse expressive of constancy? -Because you find no change in it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When can donkey be spelt with one letter? -When it’s “U.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a tennis player like a society youth -of limited means? He is obliged to miss the -ball when it comes high.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty -girl like a man going up Mt. Vesuvius? Because -he is trying to get at the mouth of the -crater.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should a housekeeper never put the -letter M into her refrigerator? Because it will -change ice into mice.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What’s the difference between Shakespeare -and Queen Elizabeth? He was a wonder, and -she was a Tudor.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_59'>59</span>Why is the letter R indispensable to friendship? -Because without it your friends would -be fiends.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which are the two most disagreeable letters -if you get too much of them? K N (cayenne).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a funny fellow -and a butcher? One deals out wit, the -other wit-tles.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should cocks be the smoothest birds -known? Because they always have a comb -about them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What insect does a blacksmith manufacture? -He makes the fire-fly.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a nose not a nose? When it is a -little radish (reddish).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? -When they are mustered in the service.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is love like a potato? Because it shoots -from the eyes and gets less by pairing.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are young men like telescopes? Because -you can draw them out, see through -them and shut them up again.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because -they mew-till-late, and destroy patients -(patience).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_60'>60</span>What is the difference between a woman and -a parasol? You can shut a parasol up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Sunday the strongest day in the -week? Because the rest are week days.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a needle one of the most persistent of -forces? It always has an eye open for business, -and invariably carries its point.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is coffee like the soil? When it is -ground.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are soldier’s guns always safe? Because -every one of them has a lock.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a man not a man? When he’s a -shaving.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like -a tallow candle? Because he will smoke when -he is going out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a schoolmaster like a man with one -eye? When he has a vacancy for a pupil.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? -Because the cars invariably run over sleepers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What instrument of war does an angry lover -resemble? A cross bow.</p> - -<p class='c006'>My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, -and my whole is part of a ship. Cab-in.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_61'>61</span>What grows bigger the more you contract -it? Debt.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What tricks are most common among New -York policemen? Patricks.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving -or Christmas week? There is always a Turkey -in it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why will an insolent fishmonger get more -business than a civil one? Because when he -sells fish, he gives sauce with it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment -the ladies? Because the pressure makes -him flatter.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an old man like a window? He is -full of pains (panes).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What’s the difference between photographing -and the whooping cough? One makes fac similes, -the other makes sick families.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That -which goes into a mite’s mouth.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet -is a cat? A kitten.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because -it didn’t answer.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_62'>62</span>Born at the same time as the world, destined -to live as long as the world, and yet never five -weeks old. The moon.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are clouds like coachmen? Because -they hold the rains (reins).</p> - -<p class='c006'>My first is a game, my second is what we -use our eyes for, my whole is a State of -America. Tennes see.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff? -Because we wish her to lay on.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the -centre of light.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because -they soon go off.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is coal the most contradictory article -known to commerce? Because when purchased, -instead of going to the buyer it goes to -the cel-lar.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why would it be hard on ministers to preach -without notes? Because their families would -suffer without the greenbacks.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In what sort of syllables should a parrot be -taught to speak? In polly silly-bills.</p> - -<p class='c006'>My first is a pronoun, my second is used at -weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of -the deep. Her ring.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_63'>63</span>What is the difference between a bee-hive and -a bad potato? None. One is a bee-holder; a -bee-holder is a speck’d ’tatur, and a speck’d -’tatur is a bad potato.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What cannot be called a disinterested act of -hospitality? Entertaining a hope.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your -eye? Because he’s a pupil under the lash.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly -in love? When attached to a boy (buoy.)</p> - -<p class='c006'>My first is formal, my second is a flower, -and my whole is a flower. Prim-rose.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note? -Because when once changed it soon goes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a tube and a -foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder -and the other a silly Hollander.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What fruit is the most visionary? The apple -of the eye.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which goes from Boston to -Providence without once moving? The railroad.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What notes compose the most favorite tunes, -and how many tunes do they compose? Bank -notes, they make (four) for-tunes.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_64'>64</span>Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote -from one another? Because, although they -may correspond, they never meet.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for -cattle? Because she keeps her Stock-holm.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Without my first my second could never have -existed, and my whole is as old as creation. -Sun-day.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a gun like a dismissed servant? -When it is discharged and goes off.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is everything doing at the same time? -Growing older.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What should you do if you split your sides -with laughter? Run till I got a stitch in them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a young girl -and an old hat? Merely a difference of time—one -has feeling and the other has felt.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What herb is most injurious to a lady’s -beauty? Thyme.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an aristocratic seminary for young -ladies like a flower garden? Because it is a -place of haughty culture (horticulture).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a clock and a -partnership? When a clock is wound up it -goes; when a firm is wound up it stops.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_65'>65</span>How do you know when night is nigh? -When the t (tea) is taken away.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are some women like facts? Because -they are stubborn things.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a dog should lose his tail where would he -get another? At Wanamaker’s, where everything -is retailed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a person with his eyes closed like a -defective schoolmaster? He keeps his pupils -in darkness.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is early grass like a penknife? Because -the springs bring out the blades.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the -focus of a sun glass? It’s a place where the -sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a real estate man not a man of -words? Because he is a man of deeds.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u -in cucumber? Because it’s between two seas.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She -pulled his ears and trod on his corn.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are some singers like cheese curds? -Because they require to be pressed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why ought meat to be only half cooked? -Because what’s done cannot be helped.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_66'>66</span>Why is a woman like the telegraph? Because -she is always in advance of the mail -intelligence.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What article that we wear is most affectionate? -A porous plaster, because it becomes -very much attached to us.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because -he takes the pledge but cannot always -keep it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? -It says widow’s mite (might).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are respectable hotels like the elysium -of the gods? Because no bad spirits are permitted -to enter them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is grass like a mouse? Because the -cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are convicts like old maids going to be -married? Because they go off in transports.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How do we know the fair queen of day has -a lover? She is always followed by a night -(knight).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because -they are kept down by tax (tacks).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the world like a slate? Because the -children of men do multiply thereon.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_67'>67</span>Why is a defeated army like wool? Because -its worsted.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the centre of gravity? The letter V.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What three letters turn a girl into a woman? -A-g-e.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Although great wealth is said to harden the -heart, what is every millionaire sure to be? A -capital fellow.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What belongs to yourself, and is used by -your friends more than by yourself? Your -name.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a soldier like an old toper? When -he re-treats.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because -he rarely appears until the storm is over.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a milkmaid -and a swallow? The milkmaid skims the -milk, the swallow skims the water.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man’s face shaved in January like -a celebrated fur? Because it’s a chin-chilly.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which was born without a soul, -lived and got a soul, but died without a soul? -The whale that swallowed Jonah.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a Roman -Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax -candles—the other dips.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_68'>68</span>When is a doctor most annoyed? When he -is out of patients.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a poor acquaintance better than a -rich one? A friend in need is a friend indeed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is there remarkable about a bee? -Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet -generally carries its point.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the first chicken of a brood like the -mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little -ahead of the main hatch.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How many persons can a deaf and dumb man -tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight (gesticulate).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the easiest way to keep water out of -the house? Omit to pay your water tax.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is it that is queer about flowers? They -shoot before they have pistils.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the best uniform for a soldier? -Right dress.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a dog become larger and smaller? -When let out at night, and taken in in the -morning.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What prescription is best for a poet? A -composing draught.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_69'>69</span>Why does a bay horse never pay toll? Because -his master pays it for him.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because -it begins and ends in sauciness.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the best way to keep a man’s love? -Not to return it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a soldier a wagon maker? When -he makes a wheel.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? -Meet for rejoicing.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced -when he got married? He became Mrs. -Dewey’s second mate.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a -tree? Because it’s farthest from the bark.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are actresses like pipes? They are -mere-shams.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What workman never turns to the left? A -wheelwright.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a freight car need no locomotive? -The freight makes the car-go.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When are weeds not weeds? When they become -widows.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is better than presence of mind in a -railroad accident? Absence of body.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_70'>70</span>Why is a balloonist greatly to be envied? -Because he rises rapidly in the world and has -excellent prospects.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What letter in the alphabet is most useful to -a deaf old woman? The letter A, because it -makes her hear.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the color of a grass plot covered with -snow? Invisible green.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How does water get into the watermelon? -The seed is planted in the spring.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? -Because he has the press at his back.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What subject can be made light of? Gas.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation -is Dick to John? His grandson.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a silver cup most likely to run? -When it’s chased.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet -have something in it? When it has a hole in -it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? -Because he is accustomed to die sinking.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans? -Because they are two tonics (teutonics).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_71'>71</span>Why should the proof-reader of a printing -establishment be considered the best read man -going? Because there’s proof that he reads -every hour of the day.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is butter like Irish children? When -it is made into little pats.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If all the money in the world was divided -equally among the people what would each -one get? An equal share.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What are the most difficult ships to conquer? -Hard-ships.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor -American girls as well as rich ones? A poor -girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without -either she cannot bank account (a count).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a dressmaker never lose her -hooks? Because she has an eye to each of -them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because -it has neither beginning nor end.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What did the blind man say to the policeman -when he told him he would arrest him if -he did not move on? I’d just like to see you.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a drinker and -a smoker? One is a Bacchanalian and the -other a tobacconalian.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_72'>72</span>When Homer called the sea barren, why did -it illustrate the age in which he lived? Because -it was before Cecrops (sea crops).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a cow and an -old chair? One gives milk, the other gives -way (whey).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky -man? Because he is always the thirteenth -at table.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a life of leisure -and a life of idleness? They are the same -thing, only different titles.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word of one syllable, if you take two -letters from it, becomes a word of two syllables? -Plague; ague.</p> - -<p class='c006'>A crown which was the pride of ancient -Rome: whichever way it is read, it is the same. -Civic.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What lesson of life can the small boy learn -from the fire engine? It must work or it can’t -play.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a young lady like a sheaf of -wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed, -and finally she becomes the flour of the family.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who is it that always has a number of movements -on foot for making money? A dancing -master.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_73'>73</span>In what respect does a piano lamp resemble -a society-club man? It has a good deal of -brass about it, requires much attention, is not -remarkably brilliant, is sometimes unsteady -upon its legs, liable to explode when only half -full, flares up occasionally, it is always out at -bed-time, and is bound to smoke.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How can hunters find their game in the -woods? By listening to the bark of the trees.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers -when he handles the lines behind a fine, -well-matched pair of horses? Because they -are such a spanking pair.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which is sometimes with a head, -without a head, with a tail, and without a tail? -A wig.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? -It makes a report.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is more wonderful than a horse that -can count? A spelling bee.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are tallest people the laziest? Because -they are always longer in bed than others.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the most successful financier mentioned -in the Bible? Noah, because he floated -a limited company when all the rest of the -world was in liquidation.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_74'>74</span>What is the difference between the Prince of -Wales and the water in a fountain? One is -heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a college student like a thermometer? -Because he is graduated and marked by degrees.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why don’t they take fare from policemen on -the trolley cars? Because they can’t get a -nickel out of a copper.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a -(k)nightly occupation.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? -He forms lasses into classes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why don’t the Boers wash themselves? -Because they are waiting to get a good licking -from the English.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises -from the yeast.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When -its sat-in.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a soldier like a watch? When he -is on guard.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a soldier like a king? When he -appears with his pomp-on.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_75'>75</span>What object is walking over the water and -under the water, yet does not touch the water? -A woman crossing a bridge over a river with a -pail of water on her head.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is -an internal transport.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a chair dislike you? When it -can’t bear you.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a duel quickly managed? Because -it takes only two seconds to arrange it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a nobleman like a book? Because -he has a title.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What class of women are most apt to give -tone to society? The belles.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which has a mouth but never -speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? A -river.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a defeated army like wool? Because -it is worsted.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between the wreck -of a bank and the wreck of a ship? One is -caused by the presence of rocks, the other by -the scarcity of rocks.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_76'>76</span>What is that which we all can eat, and often -drink, though it sometimes is a woman and -often a man? We eat toast and drink a toast.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why would a compliment from a chicken be -an insult? Because it would be foul language.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is -red (read).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? -Because they usually begin with little drops.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that by losing an eye has nothing left -but a nose? A noise.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? -Because it holds a gal-on (gallon).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? -Because it is highly polished but very -hollow.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? -Because they have no visible means of support.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What islands would form a dainty and cheerful -luncheon for a party? Sandwich and -Madeira.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What must a good surgeon have to be successful? -He must have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s -heart, and a lady’s hand.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_77'>77</span>Why is rheumatism like a great eater? Because -it attacks the joints.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If I were in the sun and you were out of it -what would the sun become! Sin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why would an owl be offended at your calling -him a pheasant? Because you would be -making game of him.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because -it burns with a steady flame.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a very amusing man like a bad -shot? Because he keeps the game alive.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When people are quarreling out of doors, -what should they do? Co-in-side (go inside).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in -Europe? Because it is always on the Spree.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the favorite word with women? -The last one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Father Time like a fashionable young -man? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys -never have it; girls have it but once; Miss -Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but -when she married Pat Murphy she never had -it again? The letter L.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_78'>78</span>Why are ladies the biggest thieves in existence? -Because they steel their petticoats, bone -their stays, crib their babies, and hook their -dresses.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man who makes additions to a -false rumor like one who has confidence in all -that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all -he hears.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a farmer double up a sheep without -hurting it? When he folds it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What did the managing editor say when the -horticultural editor said he had cultivated hothouse -lilac bushes that attained a height of -over fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) -that.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? -Because he has a long bill.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the most engaging work of art? A -fashionable young lady.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time -out of mind.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do the recriminations of a married -couple resemble the sound of the waves on the -seashore? Because they are the murmurs of -the tide (tied).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_79'>79</span>What bird is rude? The mocking bird.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a -bucket shop? Because it shaves the green.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? -When it has a little Indian in it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are ships like fortunes? Because they -are built on stocks.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How does a soldier know when it is time to -fight? When he sees a battle-me(a)nt.</p> - -<p class='c006'>At what age should a man marry? At the -parsonage.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What kind of essence does a young man -like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a soldier like a horse? When he -draws a load.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is -blind? Because you never knew a man in love -that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart -than others did.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? -Because they scintillate (sin till-late).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? -They are both hardly done.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_80'>80</span>Why is a man happier with two wives than -with one? He may be happy with one, but -with two he is nearly sure to be transported.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful -places in the world? Because it’s always on -the rock, but never moves.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? -Because all the mails (males) are tied up in -bags.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate -one? It embraces everything.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What best describes and most impedes a -Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A Bunyan -(bunion).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a lady’s hair like the latest news? -When it’s in the papers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a very old umbrella, that has been -lost, as good as new when found? Because -it’s re-covered.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because -he holds the reins.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does the Salvation Army walk down -Broadway on their heels? To save their soles -(souls).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_81'>81</span>Who was the most successful surveyor on -record? Alexander Selkirk, for he was monarch -of all he surveyed.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the letter W like scandal? Because -it makes ill will.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is one of the rules of war? That it is -death to stop a cannon ball.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are photographers the most uncivil of -all tradespeople? Because when we make -application for a copy of our portrait, they -always reply with a negative.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What cord is that which is full of knots, -which no one can untie, and which no one -can tie? A cord of wood.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks -a question or the one who answers? The -one who asks, because he is the querist.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does the wind most resemble a bookseller? -When it keeps stationary (stationery).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What benefit can be derived from a paper of -pins? It will give you many good points.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are authors who treat of physiognomy -like soldiers? Because they write about face.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_82'>82</span>I went into the woods and caught it, I sat -down to look for it, and then I went home with -it because I could not find it. A sliver.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a clock the most persevering thing in -creation? Because it is never more inclined to -go on with its business than when it is completely -wound up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? -The old adage says, out of sight out of mind.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How did the whale that swallowed Jonah -obey the divine law? Jonah was a stranger -and he took him in.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a piece of wood like a queen? -When it is made into a ruler.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop? -Because it contains fowl-in pieces.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because -it is the end of it that people enjoy most.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the fruit of finance? Current coin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a -whale? He was down in the mouth, and went -to blubber.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the polka like bitter beer? There -are so many hops in it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_83'>83</span>Why is your nose in the middle of your -face? Because it is the scenter.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? -Because it works and plays at the same time.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Whose best works are most trampled on? -The shoemaker, because good shoes last longer -than bad ones.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? -When he walks into the preserves.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because -they do a great deal of coupling.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may two people be said to be half -witted? When they have an understanding -between them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a jailer like a musician? Because -he fingers the keys.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a field of grass like a person older -than yourself? Because it’s past-your-age -(pasturage).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the -dental parlor? Because it is the drawing -room.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should a man never tell his secrets in a -corn field? Because so many ears are there, -and they would be shocked.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_84'>84</span>What part of a fish weighs most? The -scales.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he -makes a cart-ridge on the road.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because -they always use damp sheets.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What fruit does a newly married couple -resemble? A green pear (pair).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Can you tell the best way to make the -hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because -brevity’s the sole of it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue -Books?” Because they are never re(a)d.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be -candid? Because she cannot be plain.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? -Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols -in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is -fleeced at last.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent -man? Because he stops at the sound of wo.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What city is drawn more frequently than -any other? Cork.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_85'>85</span>Why is a bookbinder like charity? Because -he often covers a multitude of faults.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should an artist never be short of cash? -If he knows his business he can always draw -money.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What do we often catch yet never see? -Passing remarks.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? -Because they always sell their kisses.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is there about a house that seldom -falls, but never hurts the occupant when it -does? The rent.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What three acts comprise the chief business -of a woman’s life? Attract, contract, and -detract.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because -his head prevents him from going too far.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are some of our officers like a dancing -master’s toes? Because they must be turned -out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What are the most patient objects in the -shape of humanity? Statues.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? -It knows no law.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_86'>86</span>If all the letters in the alphabet were on a -mountain, what letter would leave first? D -would begin the descent.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When you listen to a drum why are you a -good judge? Because you hear both sides.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? -Because all the others are in audible.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because -they both run.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a short man married a widow what will -his friends call him? A widow’s mite.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat -on? Her coachman.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written -by a woman’s hand? Because it was written -by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What animal is that from which, if you take -off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate -Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding -six and seven together? Because the dog puts -down three and carries one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a house like a bird? When it has -wings.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_87'>87</span>What moral lesson does the weather cock -teach? It is vane to a-spire.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? -When drawing a conveyance.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a soldier like a watch? When he -is on guard.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What are the embers of the expiring year? -Nov-ember and Dec-ember.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn -his living? By foul means.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When was beef tea first introduced into -England? When Henry VIII dissolved the -Pope’s bull.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? -Because he carries his calves there.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer -than in winter? Because summer brings -a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot -take? Yes, a hint.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do American soldiers never run away? -They belong to a standing army.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve -his pace? It makes him fast.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_88'>88</span>What is it that a man, no matter how smart -he is, overlooks? His own nose.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What goes most against a farmer’s grain? -His reaper.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why may we suppose that Noah had beer -in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in -with hops, and the bear was always bruin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should potatoes grow better than other -vegetables? Because they have eyes to see -what they are doing.</p> - -<p class='c006'>A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two -ducks, and a duck between two ducks; how -many ducks were there in all? Three.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word of ten letters can be spelled with -five? X-p-d-n-c (expediency).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should the highest apple on a tree be -the best one? Because it is a tip-top apple.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How many fathers has a man? Nine: his -father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two -grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why would a spider appear to have wings? -Because it often takes a fly.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? -It is bound to the country with the strongest -ties.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_89'>89</span>What is the most wonderful acrobatic feat? -For a man to revolve in his own mind.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because -it is the greatest of modern composers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Do women like to see themselves in print? -No; they prefer silk or satin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because -they have to scratch for a living.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who is the man who invariably finds things -dull? The scissors grinder.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the first chicken of a brood like the -mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little -ahead of the main hatch.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a book your best friend and companion? -Because when it bores you, you can -shut it up without giving offense.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? -Because he has the press at his back.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What sort of men are most above board in -their movements? Chessmen.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is playing chess a better occupation -than playing cards? Because you play chess -with two bishops and cards with four knaves.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_90'>90</span>When may ladies who are enjoying themselves -be said to look wretched? When at the -opera, as then they are in tiers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should a minister be believed? Because -he is nearly always accurate (a curate).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial -disposition? Because he offers a horn to -everybody he meets.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What should be looked into? A mirror.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a -frying pan? Because it has Greece on the -bottom.</p> - -<p class='c006'>I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, -and your home would not be home -without me. Letter O.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How many young ladies does it take to reach -from New York to Philadelphia? About one -hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should colts avoid exposure? Because -they might take cold and become a little horse -(hoarse).</p> - -<p class='c006'>In what respect is matrimony a game of -cards? Why, a woman has a heart, a man -takes it with a diamond, and after that her -hand is his.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_91'>91</span>When is a new dress older than an old one? -When it’s more (moire) antique.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the name of the plant most fatal to -mice? Cat-nip.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? -Because he is an utterer of bad notes.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c003'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>I am the first, and one of seven,</div> - <div class='line'>I live betwixt the seas and heaven;</div> - <div class='line'>Look not below, for I am not there,</div> - <div class='line'>My home is in the ancient air.</div> - <div class='line'>Come to my second, behold how fair</div> - <div class='line'>I am, how bright and how debonair;</div> - <div class='line'>A pleasant vision and a beauty,</div> - <div class='line'>A thing of life and joy and duty;</div> - <div class='line'>My youth is changed—I live alone,</div> - <div class='line'>My views are crossed—my hopes are gone;</div> - <div class='line'>My whole is sorrow, grief and woe,</div> - <div class='line'>My singing now is all heigh-ho.</div> - <div class='line in30'>A lass (alas).</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c010'>What affection do landlords most appreciate? -Parental (pay-rental).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When day breaks, what becomes of the -pieces? They go into mourning (morning).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? -Because they put out their tubs to catch soft -water when it rains hard.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_92'>92</span>Why is a book like a king? Because it has -many pages.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When are two apples alike? When pared.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When a colored waiter drops a platter of -roast turkey, why does it create a great continental -disaster? Because it is the fall of -Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of -Africa, and the breaking up of China.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What time should an inn keeper visit a -foundry? When he wants a bar-maid.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? -Because he was a common ’tatur (commentator).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an author the most wonderful man -in the world? Because he is the owner of -many tales and they all come out of his head.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What do you call a boy who eats all the -melons he can get, whether they are green or -old? He is what we call a pains-taking -youngster.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What trade is certainly one in which a man -will never make a cent except by sticking at -it? Bill-posting.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_93'>93</span>Why is a neglected damsel like a fire that -has gone out? Because she has not a spark -left.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In what place are two heads better than one? -In a barrel.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are bells used to call people to church? -Because they have an inspire-ring influence.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which goes up the hill and -down the hill and yet stands still? The road.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What becomes of the chocolate cake when -your only son eats it? It vanishes into the -empty heir (air).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is coffee like the soil? When it is -ground.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented -and discharged.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because -he often rises to spout.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental -object? Because it is bound by close -ties.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is society composed of? A mixture of -mister-ies and miss-eries.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_94'>94</span>What is that which increases the more it is -shared by others? Happiness.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is taken from you before you get it? -Your portrait.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a man, like friendship, most easily -tried? When he stands a loan.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? -There is no time when its days are -not numbered.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the best food for dyspeptic people? -Oysters; because they die-just (digest) before -they are eaten.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who are the men who have made their -mark? Those who can’t write.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a distanced horse like a man in a -shady place? Because he is out of the heat.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? -Because they confine a deer (dear).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture -in the world? The multiplication table.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the debt for which you cannot be -sued? The debt of nature.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? -When they are mustered in the service.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_95'>95</span>Why is the woodsman’s ax an inconsistent -weapon? Because it first cuts a tree down -and then cuts it up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of -people? Because he is a host himself.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the blush of modesty like a little -girl? Because it becomes a woman.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? -Because it has no point.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If you see a counterfeit coin on the street -why should you always pick it up? Because -you may be arrested for passing it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because -they both have crowns.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is love always represented as a child? -Because it never reaches the age of discretion.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated -man? Whis-key.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a pig with a curly continuation like -the ghost of Hamlet’s father? Because he -could a tail unfold.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a plowed field like feathered game? -Because it’s part-ridges.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_96'>96</span>When is a dog most like a human being? -When he is between a man and a boy.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How does a boy look if you hurt him? It -makes him yell Oh! (yellow).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? -Because she had sufficient ground for remaining.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is there some reason to doubt the existence -of the Giant’s Causeway? There are -so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland -that this may be one of the reasons.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are good husbands like dough? Because -women need them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting -like a dead pig? Because it is done with the -pen.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a man feel girlish? When he -makes his maiden speech.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between an honest -and a dishonest laundress? One irons your -linen; the other steals it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What does a husband do who misses a train -by which he promised his wife to return? -Catches it when he gets home.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_97'>97</span>What coat is finished without buttons and -put on wet? A coat of paint.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the greatest surgical operation on -record? Lansing, Michigan.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How can you make a tall man short? Borrow -money of him.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and -paper? Because they are stationary (stationery).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should a person not like to gaze on the -Niagara forever? Because he would always -have a cataract in the eye.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What bridge is warranted to support any -strain? The bridge of a fiddle.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that, which though black itself, enlightens -the world? Ink.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in -spring? Because the bullrush is out, the cowslips -around, the grasses have blades, the -flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are -shooting.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are laws like the ocean? The most -trouble is caused by the breakers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of -rivers? Because it has a dozen mouths.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_98'>98</span>Why is the fly the best one among the -grocers’ customers? Because, when he comes -for sugar, he settles on the spot.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak -about his trips? It is generally a soar point -with him.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because -no matter where he finds himself he -always has his cue.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the most popular paper at the summer -resorts? Fly-paper.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In law courts what relation are the judges, -sergeants and counsellors to each other? They -are brothers—brothers-in-law.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because -they both like Timothy.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do men go out of the theatre? Because -some plays are so solemn that the men -have to go out to smile.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old -man? Because it is infirm.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between love and -war? One breaks heads and the other breaks -hearts.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_99'>99</span>What is the difference between man and -butter? The older a man gets the weaker he -gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it -is.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When did Cæsar first visit the Irish? When -he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge -it (Bridget).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What light could not possibly be seen in a -dark room? An Israe-lite.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? -She possesses only one crown.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because -it makes oil boil.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like -a confined criminal? Because he is sea-cured -(secured).</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a public speaker steal lumber? -When he takes the floor.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? -Because a B follows it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What history is that which repeats itself? -The history of nations. Your private history -is repeated by your neighbors.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When are two tramps like common time in -music? When they are two beats to a bar.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_100'>100</span>If a two-wheeled wagon is a bicycle, and a -three-wheeled wagon is a tricycle, what would -you call a five-wheeled one? A V-hicle of -course.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because -it works both ways.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What part of London is like a lame man? -Cripplegate (cripple-gait).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What robe is that which you cannot weave, -you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no -washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How do we know the nightingales are -sports? Because they have a high time after -dark.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is water most likely to escape? When -it is only half-tide.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is always behind time? The back of -a clock.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark -and wine (whine).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between perseverance -and obstinancy? One is a strong will and the -other is a strong won’t.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_101'>101</span>Unable to think, unable to speak, yet tells -the truth to all the world? A true balance, or -pair of scales.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What country does a crying baby sigh for? -More-rock-oh, or Lapland.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten -tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it -has not had a nap in ten years.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are spiders good correspondents? Because -they drop a line by every post and at -every house.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What does a young lady become when she -ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the sure sign of an early spring? A -cat watching a hole in the wall with her back -up.</p> - -<p class='c006'>A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? -He answered, My age is what you do in everything—excel -(XL).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Pray find a word that will produce a chair -and table? Char-i-table.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it that whenever you are looking for -anything you always find it in the last place -you look? Because you always stop looking -when you find it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_102'>102</span>Why is the world like a cat’s tail? Because -it is fur to the end of it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the most difficult lock to pick? One -from a bald head.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, -who would “She” have been? “Ben-Hur.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>What would a pig do who wished to build -himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail -and call it a pig’s tie.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it -leaves in the early spring.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the -Bible? Baron (barren) figtree.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If a man bumped his head against the top of -the room, what article of stationery would he -get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.)</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is a good thing to part with? A -comb.</p> - -<p class='c006'>If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what -relation is she to you? Your mother.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a pig the most provident of all -animals? Because he always carries a spare-rib -about him.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_103'>103</span>Why is the church of St. Paul, London, like -a bird’s nest? Because it was built by a wren -(Sir Christopher Wren).</p> - -<p class='c006'>For what profession are the members of a -college boat crew best fitted? For dentistry, -because they have a good pull.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why has a chambermaid more lives than a -cat? Because each morning she returns to -dust.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why ought the man who handles the reins -on a horse car be successful? Because he does -a driving business.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What paradox may often be found in a flower -garden? A white pink.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? -They cannot work without an auger -(augur).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What does a yawning policeman resemble? -An open-faced watch.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to -have his caws (cause) heard.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the political character of a water-wheel? -Revolutionary.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? -They keep Lent so well.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_104'>104</span>Why is a cat going up three pair of stairs -like a high hill? Because she’s a-mountin’.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What three letters give the name of a famous -Roman general? C-P-O (Scipio).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should England be a very dry country? -Because there has been but one reign there in -over fifty years.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown -sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? -Because they sing away pleasantly -and then all at once boil over.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the best way to keep fish from -smelling? Cut off their noses.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should you never confide a secret to -your relatives? Because blood will tell.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or -a clergyman’s? A clergyman’s: he preaches, -the doctor practices.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How can it be proven that a horse has six -legs? Because he has fore legs in front and -two behind.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How does light get through a prism? It -hews (hues) its way through.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_105'>105</span>When is a pie like a poet? When it is -Browning.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What can pass before the sun without making -a shadow? The wind.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should watermelon be a good name for -a newspaper? Because its insides would really -be read.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should the number 288 never be mentioned -in company? Because it is two gross.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? -When he is going to Bray.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are people of short memories necessarily -covetous? Because they’re always for-getting -something.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the beginning of every end, and the -end of every place? The letter E.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers -of a hypocrite? Because it is a solemn sound -by a thoughtless tongue.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What letters of the alphabet are most like a -Roman emperor? The C’s are.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s -a catarrh-act.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does water resemble a gymnast? -When it makes a spring.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_106'>106</span>What bird is in season all the year? The -weather-cock.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What would you expect to find on a literary -man’s breakfast table? Bacon’s Remains, -Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and -Shelley fragments.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a sick man a contradiction? When -he is an impatient patient.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the dog-star announced to be? A -sky-terrier.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a tunnel and -a speaking trumpet? One is hollowed in, the -other is halloaed out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may a man be said to be literally immersed -in business? When he’s giving a -swimming lesson.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What trade should one follow in order to cut -a figure in the world? A sculptor.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What wind do we naturally look for after -Lent? An Easter-ly one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How do little fish have a proper idea of business? -Not being able to do better, they start -on a small scale.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When do cards most resemble wolves? -When they belong to a pack.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_107'>107</span>What vine does beef grow on? The bo-vine.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between the Mormons’ -religion and their wives? Their religion is -singular, but their wives are plural.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is a man duplicated? When he’s -beside himself.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c003'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>If a well known animal you behead,</div> - <div class='line'>Another one you will have instead.</div> - <div class='line in28'>Fox (f-ox).</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel -going his rounds? He is pat-rolling.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? -She has not much on’er in her own country.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because -one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a -sure horse.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When giving invitations to a dancing party -what single word will tell the hour to begin -dancing? At ten-dance (attendance).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? -Wheeling, West Virginia, on the -Ohio.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What does an envelope say when it is licked? -Just shuts up and says nothing about it.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_108'>108</span>Why is a pretty girl like an excellent mirror? -She’s a good looking lass.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When is an army totally destroyed? When -the soldiers are all in quarters.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is too much whisky and champagne -like the flowers that bloom in the spring? -Because they make the nose gay (nosegay).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a postman in danger of losing his -way? Because he is guided by the directions -of strangers.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot -stake.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a watchmaker -and a jailer? One sells watches and the other -watches cells.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are lawyers the most intemperate -people? Because they are continually practicing -at the bar.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What word of four syllables represents Sin -riding on a little animal? Sin-on-a-mouse -(Synonymous.)</p> - -<p class='c006'>What motive had the inventor of railways in -view! A loco-motive.</p> - -<p class='c006'>With what do the mermaids tie up their -hair? With a marine band.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_109'>109</span>What tree bears the most fruit to market? -The axle tree.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the sharpest instrument mentioned -in the Bible? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well -informed? Because he is continually taking -notes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my -back and I am nobody. A looking-glass.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What great Scotchman would you name if a -footman knocked at the door? John Knox.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a billiard maker like a stage -prompter? Because he gives the players a cue.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? -Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her -clothes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the bank of England like a thrush? -It often changes its notes.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is it, which the man that made it does -not need, the man who buys it does not use for -himself, and the person that uses it does not -know it? A coffin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why are convicts like a pack of cards? -Because there is a knave in every suit.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_110'>110</span>When is a fact like a universal patent? -When it is patent to “all.”</p> - -<p class='c006'>What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly -be considered a grand affair? A luncheon of -dried apples and warm water, which is really a -swell affair.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a young lady like a promissory note? -Because she ought to be settled when she arrives -at maturity.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which always goes with its head -downward? A nail in your shoe.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a man just put in prison like a boat -full of water? Because he wants bailing -out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What sort of a face does an auctioneer like -best? One that is for bidding.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why should a poor salesman be put in the -hands of a potter? Because he is very poor -clay and should be fired.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is an account book like a statuary shop? -It is full of figures.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When a young man calls upon his sweetheart -what should he carry with him? Affection -in his heart, perfection in his manners, and -confections in his pockets.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_111'>111</span>What is that which Adam never saw, never -possessed, yet left two to each of his children? -Parents.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is -all dough”? When it does not have a good -batter.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? -Because when you lose a leg you lose something -to boot.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What key in music will make a good officer? -A sharp major.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? -Because they killed the prophets (profits).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is political economy? Splitting your -vote.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What makes everybody sick but those that -swallow it? Flattery.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The -twelve months; they all try us.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is that which never flies except when -its wings are broken? An army.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What is the difference between a very fascinating -young lady and her watch? The watch -makes one remember the hours, and the young -lady makes one forget them.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_112'>112</span>Why is an egg like a colt? Because it is -not fit for use until it is broken.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a threadbare garment like a man -who was up late at the ball? Because both -look worn out when they lose their nap.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What bridge creates the most anxiety? A -suspension bridge.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When does a cook break the game law? -When she poaches eggs.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? -Because he smokes when he is going out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? -It sings sweetest when it is hottest.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why do you always make a mistake when -you put on your slipper? Because you put -your foot in it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? -Because he has such winning ways.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the leading horse in a wagon team -like the acceptor of a bill? Because he’s the -end horse, sir (endorser).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What money brings the most substantial -interest? Matri-mony.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_113'>113</span>What is a remarkable fact when the Chinese -actor loses his head? He is pretty sure to lose -his cue at the same time.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may -you be described as stepping into his shoes? -Because you make his feet-yours (features).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the inside of everything mysterious? -Because we cannot make it out.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his -mother’s government like a rainbow? Because -it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_117'>117</span> - <h2 id='BIBLICAL' class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'><span class='sc'>Biblical Conundrums</span></span></b></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Who was the first man spoken of in the -Bible? Chap. I (chap first).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the first woman spoken of in the -Bible? Genesis (Jennis Sis).</p> - -<p class='c006'>At what time of day was Adam created? A -little before Eve.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Spell “Adam’s Express Company” with -three letters. E-v-e.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What one word in the Bible represents the -father calling his son and the son’s answering? -Ben Hadad (Ben, ha-dad).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was a very short man spoken of in the -Bible? Nehemiah (knee-high Miah).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the strongest man spoken of in the -Bible? Jonah, because the whale couldn’t keep -him down.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the greatest orator spoken of in the -Bible? Samson, because he brought the house -down filled with his enemies.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the shortest man spoken of in the -Bible? Beldad the Shuhite (shoe height).</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_118'>118</span>Where was paper currency spoken of first in -the Bible? Where the dove left the ark and -brought a green back.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering -the ark? Because, although the ark was high, -Noah was a higher ark (hierarch).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who took the first newspaper? Cain took -A Bell’s (Abel’s) Life, and Joshua countermanded -the Sun.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What proof have we that Moses was the most -wicked man who ever lived? Because he broke -the Ten Commandments all at once.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How long did Cain hate his brother? As -long as he was Abel (able).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Where was æstheticism first spoken of in the -Bible? Where the Lord made Balaam’s ass to -utter.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When were walking-sticks first mentioned in -the Bible? When Eve presented Adam with a -little Cain (cane).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear -(bare) skin.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the fastest runner in the world? -Adam, because he was first in the race.</p> - -<p class='c006'>When did Moses sleep five in a bed? When -he slept with his fore fathers.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_119'>119</span>The following is a good sell if properly led -up to: Who was the first man? Adam? -Who was the first woman? Eve. Who killed -Cain? The answer will very likely be Abel.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What did Job’s wardrobe consist of? Three -wretched comforters.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What three words did Adam use when he -introduced himself to Eve which read backward -and forward the same? Madam, I’m Adam.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was the first day of Adam’s life the -longest? Because it had no Eve.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How were Adam and Eve prevented from -gambling? Their pair o’ dice was taken away -from them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What stone should have been placed at the -gate of Eden after the expulsion? Adam aint -in (adamantine).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What did Adam and Eve do when they were -expelled from Eden? They raised Cain.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? -Because he had no knife.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was Eve made? For Adam’s express -company.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the straightest man mentioned in -the Bible? Moses, because Pharaoh made a -ruler of him.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_120'>120</span>What evidence have we that Adam used -sugar? Because he raised Cain.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who was the first man condemned to hard -labor for life? Adam.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished -when David hit him with a stone? Because -such a thing had never entered his head -before.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Which are the two smallest things mentioned -in the Bible? The widow’s mite and the -wicked flee.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How is it that Methusalah was the oldest -man when he died before his father? His -father was translated.</p> - -<p class='c006'>How many soft boiled eggs could the giant -Goliath eat on an empty stomach? One, after -which his stomach was not empty.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What was the difference between Joan of Arc -and Noah’s ark? One was Maid of Orleans, -the other was made of wood.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Where did Noah strike the first nail in the -ark? On the head.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was Eve not afraid of the measles? -Because she’d Adam (had ’em).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What church did Eve belong to? Adam -thought her Eve-angelical.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_121'>121</span>What two animals carried the least into the -ark? The fox and cock, because they carried -only a brush and comb between them.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who had the first entrance into a theatre? -Joseph, when he was taken from the family -circle and put into the pit.</p> - -<p class='c006'>In what place did the cock crow so loud that -all the world heard him? In the ark.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What became of Lot when his wife was -turned into a pillar of salt? He took a fresh -one.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Who first introduced salt meat into the navy? -Noah, when he took Ham into the ark.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What animal took most baggage into the -ark? The elephant, who took his trunk.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What confection did they have in the ark? -Preserved pairs (pears).</p> - -<p class='c006'>What man mentioned in the Bible had no -father? Joshua, the son of Nun.</p> - -<p class='c006'>What reason have we to think that Moses -wore a wig? Because he was sometimes seen -with Aaron and sometimes without ’Air on -(hair on).</p> - -<p class='c006'>Why was Noah like a hungry cat? Because -he went forty days and forty nights without -finding Ararat.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='pageno' id='Page_122'>122</span>If Solomon was the son of David and Joab -was the son of Zeruiah what relation was -Zeruiah to Joab? His mother.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Note.</span>—Most persons will answer “his father,” -not remembering that Zeruiah was a woman.</span></p> - -<p class='c006'>If “Moses was the son of Pharaoh’s daughter,” -then he must have been the daughter -of Pharaoh’s son.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Note.</span>—Most persons will say that it was impossible -for Moses to have been a daughter, etc. -It will aid in understanding it to connect the -words thus: “daughter-of-Pharoah’s son.”</span></p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_125'>125</span> - <h2 id='POETICAL' class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'><span class='sc'>Poetical Conundrums</span></span></b></h2> -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Legs I have, but seldom walk;</div> - <div class='line'>I backbite all, yet never talk.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>A flea.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>I came to a field and couldn’t get through it;</div> - <div class='line'>So I went to a school and learned how to do it.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Fence.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>My first I hope you are,</div> - <div class='line'>My second I see you are,</div> - <div class='line'>My whole I know you are,</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Wel-come.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>My first’s a dirty little brute,</div> - <div class='line'>My second’s at the end on’t;</div> - <div class='line'>My third like many an honest man,</div> - <div class='line'>Is on a fool dependent.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Pig-tail.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>By equal division—I know I am right—</div> - <div class='line'>The half of thirteen you’ll find to be eight.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<table class='table1' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='30%' /> -<col width='30%' /> -<col width='38%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>VIII</td> - <td class='c014'> </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>XIII</td> - <td class='c013'>————</td> - <td class='c014'>VIII.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>ΛIII</td> - <td class='c014'> </td> - </tr> -</table> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>My number, definite and known,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Is ten times ten told ten times o’er;</div> - <div class='line'>One-half of me is one alone,</div> - <div class='line in2'>The other exceeds all count and score.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Thou-sand.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_126'>126</span>There’s a word composed of three letters alone,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Which reads backwards and forwards the same;</div> - <div class='line'>It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,</div> - <div class='line in2'>And to beauty lays principal claim.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Eye.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>The cat did my first with a curl of her tail,</div> - <div class='line in2'>When the game she had made quite secure</div> - <div class='line'>By means of my second and not of my whole,</div> - <div class='line in2'>As she ought to have done, I am sure.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Pur-chase.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Pray tell me, ladies, if you can,</div> - <div class='line'>Who is that highly favored man,</div> - <div class='line'>Who though he has married many a wife,</div> - <div class='line'>May still live single all his life?</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>A clergyman.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Can you tell me why a hypocrite’s eye</div> - <div class='line'>Can better descry than you or I,</div> - <div class='line'>On how many toes a pussy cat goes?</div> - <div class='line in4'>A man of deceit can best count-er-feit;</div> - <div class='line in4'>And so, I suppose, can best count her toes.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line c011'>Without my first you’d look very strange,</div> - <div class='line'>My second you much want to be;</div> - <div class='line'>My whole is what many a lady has worn,</div> - <div class='line'>At a ball, an assembly, or play.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Nose-gay.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_127'>127</span>Two letters often tempt mankind,</div> - <div class='line'>And those who yield will surely find</div> - <div class='line'>Two others ready to enforce</div> - <div class='line'>The punishment that comes of course.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>X-S and D-K (excess and decay).</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>My first doth affliction denote,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Which my second is destined to feel.</div> - <div class='line'>My whole is a sweet antidote</div> - <div class='line in2'>That affliction to soothe and to heal.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c007'>Wo-man!</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>My first of anything is half,</div> - <div class='line in2'>My second is complete;</div> - <div class='line'>And so remains until once more</div> - <div class='line in2'>My first and second meet.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Semi-circle.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>My first makes company,</div> - <div class='line'>My second shuns company,</div> - <div class='line'>My third assembles company,</div> - <div class='line'>My whole puzzles company.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Co-nun-drums.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Safe on a fair one’s arm my first may rest,</div> - <div class='line'>And raise no tumult in a husband’s breast;</div> - <div class='line'>To those who neither creep, nor run, nor fly,</div> - <div class='line'>The want of legs my second will supply.</div> - <div class='line'>My whole’s a rival of the fairest toast,</div> - <div class='line'>And when I’m liked the best I suffer most.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Muf-fin.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_128'>128</span>What is that which is</div> - <div class='line'>The beginning of eternity,</div> - <div class='line'>The end of time and space,</div> - <div class='line'>The beginning of every end,</div> - <div class='line'>The end of every race?</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Letter E.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Your initials begin with an A,</div> - <div class='line in2'>You’ve an A at the end of your name,</div> - <div class='line'>The whole of your name is an A,</div> - <div class='line in2'>And its backward and forward the same.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Anna!</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>We are airy little creatures,</div> - <div class='line'>Each have different forms and features;</div> - <div class='line'>One of us in glass is set,</div> - <div class='line'>Another you will find in jet;</div> - <div class='line'>A third, less bright, is set in tin,</div> - <div class='line'>A fourth a shining box within;</div> - <div class='line'>And the fifth, if you pursue,</div> - <div class='line'>It will never fly from you.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Vowels.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>My first a baby does when you pinch it;</div> - <div class='line'>My second a lady says when she doesn’t mean it;</div> - <div class='line'>My third exists and no one e’er has seen it;</div> - <div class='line'>And my whole contains the world’s best half within it.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Cri-no-line.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_129'>129</span>Formed long ago, yet made to-day,</div> - <div class='line in2'>I’m most employed while others sleep;</div> - <div class='line'>What none would like to give away,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Yet no one likes to keep.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Bed.</div> - -<div class='lg-container-b c011'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>What’s that? What’s that? Oh! I shall faint,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Call, call the priest to lay it!</div> - <div class='line'>Transpose it, and to king and saint,</div> - <div class='line in2'>And great and good you pay it.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='c012'>Spectre; respect.</div> - -<p class='c005'>How shall the following be read?</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line in6'>Yy u r yy u b</div> - <div class='line in6'>I c u r yy 4 me.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—</div> - <div class='line in11'>Too wise you are,</div> - <div class='line in13'>Too wise you be;</div> - <div class='line in11'>I see you are</div> - <div class='line in13'>Too wise for me.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c006'>How shall the following be read?</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>U o a o, but I o thee;</div> - <div class='line in2'>O o no o, but O o me;</div> - <div class='line'>Then let my o thy o be</div> - <div class='line in2'>And give o o I o thee.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line in2'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—</div> - <div class='line'>You sigh for a cipher, but I sigh for thee;</div> - <div class='line in2'>Oh! sigh for no cipher, but oh! sigh for me;</div> - <div class='line'>They let my cipher thy cipher be;</div> - <div class='line in2'>And give sigh for sigh, for I sigh for thee.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_130'>130</span>How shall the following stanza be read that -it may be true?</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line in4'>There is a lady in the land</div> - <div class='line in4'>With twenty nails on each hand,</div> - <div class='line in4'>Five-and-twenty on hands and feet,</div> - <div class='line in4'>This is true without deceit.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—</div> - <div class='line in4'>There is a lady in the land</div> - <div class='line in4'>With twenty nails; on each hand</div> - <div class='line in4'>Five, and twenty on hands and feet,</div> - <div class='line in4'>This is true without deceit.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_133'>133</span> - <h2 id='FRENCH' class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'><span class='sc'>French Conundrums</span></span></b></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Je suis le capitaine de vingt-quatre Soldats, -et sans moi Paris serait pris.</p> - -<div class='c015'>The letter A.</div> - -<p class='c005'>Pourquoi les amateurs du beau sexe vont-ils -souvent à l’hippodrome?</p> - -<div class='c015'>Afin d’être en cirque assis.</div> - -<p class='c005'>Quelle différence y-a-t-il entre le souverain -de la Perse et le Viceroi d’Egypte.</p> - -<p class='c006'>C’est que l’un est chat (Shah) et l’autre pas -chat (Pacha).</p> - -<p class='c005'>Quel est le peuple le moins gai de l’univers?</p> - -<p class='c006'>Le peuple Persan, parce qu’il est gouverné -par un Schah (chat), et que le schah fait fuir -les souris.</p> - -<p class='c005'>A French friend wishes to know: Vai ze -Keeng ov Eatalee ees laike von seengair at ze -opera oo ees loozeng ess voice?</p> - -<p class='c006'>Parce qu’il a perdu sa voix (Savoie).</p> - -<p class='c005'>Pourquoi les Carthaginois portaient-ils toujours -des gants?</p> - -<p class='c006'>Parce qu’ils n’aimaient pas l’air aux mains -(les Romains)!</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_134'>134</span>Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro -vingt-cinq.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Quand il est neuf et très étroit (et treize et -trois)!</p> - -<p class='c005'>Un félon peut-il prendre pour devise,—“Honneur -à Dieu”?</p> - -<p class='c006'>Non, car il faut qu’il dise,—“Adieu, honneur!”</p> - -<p class='c005'>Je ne suis pas ce que je suis; car si j’étais ce -que suis, je ne serais pas ce que je suis, cependant -je suis ce que je suis; devinez ce que je suis?</p> - -<p class='c006'>Un domestique qui suit sa maîtresse.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_137'>137</span> - <h2 id='ARITHMETICAL' class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'><span class='sc'>Arithmetical Puzzles</span></span></b></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>Write eleven thousand eleven hundred and -eleven.</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>— 11,000 + 1,100 + 11 = 12,111.</div> - -<p class='c005'>What four United States coins will amount to -fifty-one cents?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—Two twenty five cent pieces and -two half cents.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Place three 6’s together so as to amount to 7.</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>— 6-6/6 = 7.</div> - -<p class='c005'>Place three 2’s together so as to make 24.</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>— 22 + 2 = 24.</div> - -<p class='c005'>Place three 3’s together so as to make 24.</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>— 3<sup>3</sup> - 3 = 24.</div> - -<p class='c005'>Take one from nine and make it ten.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Write nine thus, IX; take away -the I we have X.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Add one to nine and make it twenty.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Nine is IX; cross the I we have -XX.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_138'>138</span>Prove that one taken from nineteen leaves -twenty.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Take the I from XIX, and we -have XX.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Make four straight lines and then add five -straight lines and make ten.</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>— <span class='sanstype'> | | | | ; TEN.</span></div> - -<p class='c005'>Prove that the half of eleven is six.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—In XI draw a line thus,</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>VI</div> - <div>——,</div> - <div>ΛI</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c006'>the upper half is VI.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Prove that one added to twenty is nineteen.</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Add I to XX we have XIX.</div> - -<p class='c005'>What number of three figures multiplied by -8 will make exactly 10?</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>— 1¼ or 1.25.</div> - -<p class='c005'>Does the top of a carriage-wheel move faster -than the bottom? If so, explain the reason.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—The top always moves faster than -the bottom.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Which is greater, and how much, six dozen -dozen or a half a dozen dozen; or is there no -difference between them?</p> - -<div class='c016'>The former.</div> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_139'>139</span>Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound -of feathers?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—The pound of feathers, because -it is weighed by Avoirdupois weight, while -gold is weighed by Troy weight.</p> - -<p class='c005'>Take fifty, add a cipher, add five, add the -fifth of eight, and the total is the sum of -human happiness.</p> - -<div class='c016'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—<b>LOVE.</b></div> - -<p class='c005'>Six ears of corn are in a hollow stump; how -long will it take a squirrel to carry them all out -if he takes out three ears a day?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Remark.</span>—The “catch” is on the word ears. He -takes out two ears on his head and one ear of corn -each day; hence, it takes six days.</p> - -<p class='c005'>How to prove, by mathematical principles, -that two unequal numbers are equal, as 4 = 2.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—All will admit that 8 - 8 = 4 - 4. -Divide both of these by 2 - 2, and the quotient -will be equal. Thus,</p> - -<table class='table2' summary=''> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>(8 - 8)</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>(4 - 4)</td> - <td class='c014'> </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>————</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c013'>————,</td> - <td class='c014'>or 4 = 2</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>(2 - 2)</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>(2 - 2)</td> - <td class='c014'> </td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c005'>Supposing there are more persons in the -world than any one has hairs on his head; -then there must be at least two persons who -have the same number of hairs on their head -to a hair. Show how this is.</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_140'>140</span>Place 17 little sticks—matches for -instance—making 6 equal squares, -as in the margin. Then remove 5 -sticks, and leave three perfect squares -of the same size.</p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i-1_140.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—The method of doing this -is indicated below this -answer.</span></p> - -<div class='figcenter id003'> -<img src='images/i-2_140.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>A and B have an 8 gallon cask full of wine, -which they wish to divide into two equal parts, -and the only measures they have are a 5-gallon -cask and a 3-gallon cask. How shall -they make the division with these two vessels?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—First fill the 3-gallon cask from the -8-gallon cask; then pour these 3 gallons into the -5-gallon cask; then fill the 3-gallon cask again, -and fill the 5-gallon cask from the 3-gallon cask; -this will leave 1 gallon in the 3-gallon cask; then -empty the 5-gallon cask into the 8-gallon cask, -pour the 1 gallon from the 3-gallon cask into the -5-gallon cask, and fill the 3-gallon cask from the -8-gallon cask. There will then be 4 gallons in the -8-gallon cask.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Two men in an oyster saloon laid a wager as -to which could eat the most oysters. One ate -ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred, and -won. How many did both eat?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Remark.</span>—The catch is on a hundred and <i>won</i>. -When spoken it sounds as if it meant “one ate -ninety-nine and the other ate a hundred and one;” -hence, the result usually given is two hundred. -The correct result is one hundred and ninety-nine.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_141'>141</span>If a room with 8 corners had a cat in each -corner, seven cats before each cat, and a cat on -each cat’s tail, what would be the whole number -of cats?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—Eight cats.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Tell a person to think of a number, multiply -by 3, multiply the product by 2, divide the result -by 6, add 20, subtract the number thought -of, divide by 4, and then tell him what his result -is.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—The result will be five. The reason -is clear. By multiplying by 3 and 2 and dividing -by 6 he has obtained the number thought of. Add -20, he has the number thought of, plus 20; then -subtract the number thought of, and he has -twenty. Now I know he has twenty; hence, I can -tell him what he has if he divides by 4.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>A farmer having an ox-chain consisting of -15 links, broke it into five equal parts, and took -it to a blacksmith to be welded together. The -blacksmith agreed to repair it for 50 cents for -each welding; but when he presented his bill -he charged for four weldings, making the bill -$2.00. The farmer objected to the bill, saying -that it should have been repaired with only -three weldings. How was it to be done?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Each piece consisted of three links; -cut open the three links of one piece and use these -to connect the other four pieces of the chain.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_142'>142</span>Think of a number, multiply by six, divide -by three, add forty, divide by two; name the -result, and I will name the number thought of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Multiplying by six and dividing by -three gives twice the number; add forty we have -twice the number, plus forty, divide by two we -have once the number, plus twenty; hence, if I -subtract twenty from the result he gives me I have -the number thought of.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Let a person select a number greater than 1 -and not exceeding 10. I will add to it a number -not exceeding 10, alternately with himself; -and, although he has the advantage in selecting -the number to start with, I will reach the -even hundred first.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—I make my additions so that the -sums are 12, 23, 34, 45, etc., to 89, when it is evident -I can reach the hundred first. With one who -does not know the method, I need not run through -the entire series, but merely aim for 89, and when -the secret of this is seen aim at 78, then 67, etc.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Think of a number of 3 or more figures, -divide by nine, and name the remainder; erase -one figure of the number, divide by 9, and tell -me the remainder and I will tell you what -figure you erased.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—If the second remainder is less than -the first, the figure erased is the difference between -the remainders; but if the second remainder is -greater than the first, the figure erased equals 9, -minus the difference of the remainders.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_143'>143</span>Let a person think of any number on the dial -face of a watch. I will then point to various -numbers, and at each he will silently add one to -the number selected, until he arrives at twenty, -which he will announce aloud; and my pointer -will then be on the number he selected.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—I point promiscuously about the face -of the watch until the eighth point, which should -be on the “12.” I then pass regularly around -toward the “1” pointing at “11,” “10,” “9,” -etc., until “twenty” is called, when my pointer -will be over the number selected.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Take <i>nine</i> from <i>six</i> and <i>ten</i> from <i>nine</i> and -<i>fifty</i> from <i>forty</i>, and <i>six</i> will remain.</p> - -<table class='table3' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='33%' /> -<col width='33%' /> -<col width='33%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='c017'>SIX</td> - <td class='c017'>IX</td> - <td class='c009'>XL</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c017'>IX</td> - <td class='c017'>X</td> - <td class='c009'>L</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c017'>——</td> - <td class='c017'>——</td> - <td class='c009'>——</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c017'>S </td> - <td class='c017'>I </td> - <td class='c009'>X </td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c005'>Two-thirds of six is nine, one-half of twelve -is seven, the half of five is four, and six is -half of eleven.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Two-thirds of SIX is IX, the upper -half of XII is VII, the half of FIVE is IV, and the -upper half of XI is VI.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Two men have 24 ounces of fluid which they -wish to divide between them equally. How -shall they effect the division, provided they -have only three vessels; one containing 5 oz., -the other 11 oz., and the third 13 oz.?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—The method is similar to the division -of 8 gallons in the question on page 78.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_144'>144</span>Three persons own 51 quarts of rice, and -have only two measures; one a 4-quart, the -other a 7-quart measure. How shall they -divide it into three equal parts?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—One-third of 51 is 17; so each must -have 17 quarts. To measure 17 quarts fill the 7-quart -measure twice and pour into some large -vessel, making 14 quarts; then fill the 7-quart -measure, draw off 4 quarts in the 4-quart measure, -and then pour the remaining 3 quarts in the vessel -containing the 14 quarts.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Think of a number composed of two unequal -digits, invert the digits, take the difference -between this and the original number, name -one of the digits and I will name the other.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—The sum of the digits in the difference -is always nine; hence, when one is named -the other equals 9, minus the one named.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Take any number, consisting of three consecutive -digits and permutate them, making 6 -numbers, and take the sum of these numbers, -divide by 6, and tell me the result and I will -tell you the digits of the number taken.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—The quotient consists of three equal -digits; the digits of the number taken are: 1st. -one of these equal digits; 2d. this digit increased -by a unit; 3d. this digit diminished by a unit. -The same principle holds when the digits of the -number taken differ by 2, 3, or 4. It is a very -pretty problem to prove that the sum is always -divisible by 9 and 18.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_145'>145</span>Take any number, divide it by 9, and name -the remainder. Multiply the number by some -number which I name, and divide the product -by 9, and I will name the remainder.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—To tell the remainder, I multiply the -first remainder by the number by which I told -them to multiply the given number, and divide -this product by 9. The remainder is the second -number obtained.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Think of a number greater than 3, multiply -it by 3; if even, divide it by 2; if odd, add 1, -and then divide by 2. Multiply the quotient -by 3; if even, divide by 2; if odd, add 1, and -then divide by 2. Now divide by 9 and tell the -quotient without the remainder, and I will tell you the number thought of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—If <i>even</i> both times, multiply the quotient -by 4; if even 2d and odd 1st, multiply by -4 and add 1; if even 1st and odd 2d, multiply by -4 and add 2; if odd both times, multiply by 4 and -add 3.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Suppose it were possible for a man in Cincinnati -to start on Sunday noon, when the sun -is in the meridian, and travel westward with -the sun so that it might be in his meridian all -the time. Now it was Sunday noon when he -started, it has been noon with him all the way -round, and is Monday noon when he returns. -The question is, at what point did it change -from Sunday noon to Monday noon?</p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_146'>146</span>Take any number, subtract the sum of the -digits, strike out any digit from the remainder, -tell me the sum of the remaining digits, and I -will tell you the digit struck out.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Subtract the “sum of the remaining -digits” from the smallest multiple of nine -greater than “the sum.” The remainder will be -the digit struck out.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>In the bottom of a well, 45 feet deep, there -was a frog which commenced traveling toward -the top. In his journey he ascended 3 feet -every day, but fell back 2 feet every night. In -how many days did he get out?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—He gains 1 foot a day, and in 42 days -he is 3 feet from the top; and on the 43d day he -reaches the top.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Think of any three numbers less than 10. -Multiply the first by 2 and add 5 to the product. -Multiply this sum by 5 and add the -second number to the product. Multiply the -last result by 10 and add the third number to -the product; then subtract 250. Name the remainder -and I will name the numbers thought -of and in the order in which they were thought -of.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—The three digits composing this remainder -will be the numbers thought of: and the -order in which they were thought of will be the -order of hundreds, tens, and units.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_147'>147</span>If a man had a triangular lot of land, the -largest side being 136 rods, and each of the -other sides 68 rods; what would be the value -of the grass on it at the rate of $10 an acre?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Remark.</span>—The “catch” in this is that the -sides given will form no triangle.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Says A to B: “Give me four weights and I -can weigh any number of pounds not exceeding -40.” Required the weights and the method -of weighing.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—The weights are 1, 3, 9, and 27 pounds. -In weighing we must put one or more in both -scales, or some in one scale and some in another: -thus, 7 lbs. = 9 lbs. + 1 lb. - 3 lbs.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Three men traveling with their wives came -to a river which they wished to cross. There -was but one boat and but two could cross at -one time; and since the husbands were jealous -no woman could be with a man unless her own -husband was present. In what manner did -they get across the river?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Let the persons be denoted A, B, and -C, and Mrs. A, Mrs. B, and Mrs. C. First Mr. A -and Mrs. A go over; then A comes back and Mrs. -B and Mrs. C go over; then Mrs. A comes back -and Mr. B and Mr. C go over; then Mr. B and -Mrs. B return and Mr. A and Mr. B go over; then -Mrs. C returns and Mrs. A and Mrs. B go over; -then Mr. C returns and takes his wife, Mrs. C, -over.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_148'>148</span>A man having a fox, a goose, and some corn -came to a river which it was necessary to cross. -He could, however, take only one across at a -time, and if he left the goose and corn while he -took the fox over, the goose would eat the -corn; but if he left the fox and goose, the fox -would kill the goose. How shall he get them -all safely over?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—First he takes the goose over, then -returns and takes the fox over, then brings the -goose back and takes the corn over, and then returns -and takes the goose over again.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>How may the 9 digits be arranged -in a rectangular form -so that the sum of any row, -whether horizontal, vertical, -or diagonal, shall equal 15?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—As below.</span></p> - -<table class='table4' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='33%' /> -<col width='33%' /> -<col width='33%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='btt bbt blt brt c018'>4</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>9</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>2</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>3</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>5</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>7</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>8</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>1</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>6</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c005'>How may the first -16 digits be arranged -so that the sum of the -vertical, the horizontal, -and the two oblique -rows may equal 34?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—As below.</span></p> - -<table class='table5' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='25%' /> -<col width='25%' /> -<col width='25%' /> -<col width='25%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='btt bbt blt brt c018'>1</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>16</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>11</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>6</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>13</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>4</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>7</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>10</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>8</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>9</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>14</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>3</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>12</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>5</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>2</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>15</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_149'>149</span>In what manner -may the first -25 digits be arranged -so that -the sum of each -row of five figures -may equal -65?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—As below.</span></p> - -<table class='table6' summary=''> -<colgroup> -<col width='20%' /> -<col width='20%' /> -<col width='20%' /> -<col width='20%' /> -<col width='20%' /> -</colgroup> - <tr> - <td class='btt bbt blt brt c018'>1</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>10</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>12</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>18</td> - <td class='btt bbt brt c018'>24</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>9</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>11</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>20</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>22</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>3</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>13</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>19</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>21</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>5</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>7</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>17</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>23</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>4</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>6</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>15</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='bbt blt brt c018'>25</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>2</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>8</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>14</td> - <td class='bbt brt c018'>16</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c005'>An old Jew took a diamond cross to a jeweler -to have the diamonds reset, and fearing -the jeweler might be dishonest, he counted the -diamonds and found that they numbered 7 in -three different ways. Now the jeweler stole -two diamonds, but arranged the remainder so -that they counted 7 each way as before. How -was it done?</p> - -<table class='table7' summary=''> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>Fig. 1.</td> - <td class='c014'>Fig. 2.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>7</td> - <td class='c014'>7</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>6</td> - <td class='c014'>7 6 7</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>7 6 5 6 7</td> - <td class='c014'>5</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>4</td> - <td class='c014'>4</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>3</td> - <td class='c014'>3</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>2</td> - <td class='c014'>2</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c013'>1</td> - <td class='c014'>1</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—The form of the -cross when left is represented -by Fig. 1, and when returned -by Fig. 2. It will be seen by -the figures how the diamonds -were counted by the old Jew, -and how they were arranged by -the jeweler, who “jewed” the -Jew.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'><span class='pageno' id='Page_150'>150</span>Take 10 pieces of money, lay them in a row, -and require some one to put them together into -heaps of two in each heap by passing each piece -over two others.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Method.</span>—Let the pieces be denoted by the -numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Then place 7 -on 10, 5 on 2, 3 on 8, 1 on 4, and 9 on 6.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>A man goes to a store and purchases a pair -of boots worth $5 and hands out a $50 bill to -pay for them. The merchant, not being able -to make the change, goes over the street to a -broker and gets the bill changed and then returns -and gives the man who bought the boots -his change. After the purchaser of the boots -had been gone a few hours the broker, finding -the bill to be a counterfeit, comes and demands -$50 of good money from the merchant. How -much does the merchant lose?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Remark.</span>—At first glance some say $45 and the -boots, some $50 and the boots, some $95 and the -boots, and others $100 and the boots. Which is -correct?</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>A vessel with a crew of 30 men, half of -whom were black, became short of provisions -and fearing that unless half the crew were -thrown overboard all would perish, the captain -proposed to the sailors to stand upon deck in a -row and every ninth man be thrown overboard -until half the crew were destroyed. It so -<span class='pageno' id='Page_151'>151</span>happened that the whites were saved. Required, -the order of arrangement.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—W W W W B B B B B W W B W W -W B W B B W W B B B W B B W W B. This -can easily be proved by trial, using letters or figures -to represent men.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Suppose a hare is 10 rods before a hound, -and that the hound runs 10 rods while the hare -runs 1 rod. Now, when the hound has run 10 -rods the hare has run 1 rod; hence they are -now 1 rod apart, and when the hound has run -that one rod the hare has run 1/10 of a rod; hence -they are now 1/10 of a rod apart, and when the -hound has run the 1/10 of a rod they are 1/100 of -a rod apart; and in the same way it may be -shown the hare is always 1/10 of the previous -distance ahead of the hound; hence the hound -can never catch the hare. How is the contrary -shown mathematically? How far will the -hound run to catch the hare.</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—The distance the hound runs will be -represented by the series</p> - -<table class='table8' summary=''> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c013'>1</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>1</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c014'>1</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>10 + 1 +</td> - <td class='c013'>——</td> - <td class='c013'>+</td> - <td class='c013'>——</td> - <td class='c013'>+</td> - <td class='c014'>——,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c013'>10</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>100</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c014'>1000</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c006'>to infinity. The sum of this series can be found by -the algebraic formula</p> - -<table class='table9' summary=''> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c014'><i>a</i></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>S =</td> - <td class='c014'>———,</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c014'>(1 - <i>r</i>)</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c006'>in which <i>a</i> = 10 and -<i>r</i> = 1/10. Substituting the value of <i>a</i> and <i>r</i> we have</p> - -<table class='table10' summary=''> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c013'>10</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>10</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c019'> </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c013'>———</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>——</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>100</td> - <td class='c019'> </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>S =</td> - <td class='c020'>1</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c013'>9</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c013'>——</td> - <td class='c019'>= 11-1/9.</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c013'>1 - ——</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>—</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>9</td> - <td class='c019'> </td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c020'>10</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'>10</td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c013'> </td> - <td class='c019'> </td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'>This may be solved more simply as follows: -The hound runs 10 times as fast as the fox, hence -10 times the distance the fox runs equals the distance -the hound runs. Then 10 times the distance -<span class='pageno' id='Page_152'>152</span>the fox runs, minus once the distance the fox runs, -which is 9 times the distance the fox runs, is 10 -rods; and once the distance the fox runs is 1/9 of 10 -rods, or 10/9 rods; and 10 times the distance the fox -runs, or the distance the hound runs, is 10 times -10/9 or 100/9, or 11-1/9 rods.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>If through passenger trains, running to and -from Philadelphia and San Francisco daily, -start at the same hour from each place (difference -of longitude not being considered) and -take the same time—seven days—for the trip, -how many through trains will the Pacific Express, -that leaves the San Francisco depot at -9 <span class='fss'>P. M.</span> Sunday, have met when it reaches the -Philadelphia depot?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—As the Pacific Express starts from -San Francisco, a train which left Philadelphia the -previous Sunday reaches San Francisco, which is -not to be counted as a meeting of trains. There are, -however, six other trains on the way which it will -meet. Also, a train starts from Philadelphia on -the same Sunday as the train starts from San -Francisco, another on Monday, another on Tuesday, -etc., up to Saturday—that is, seven trains, -all of which it meets, making, with the six trains -previously started, thirteen trains in all which -it meets. A train leaves Philadelphia on Sunday -at the same time the Pacific Express reaches there, -but this is not counted as a meeting.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>A switch siding to a single-track railroad is -just long enough to clear a train of eight cars -and a locomotive. How can two trains of sixteen -<span class='pageno' id='Page_153'>153</span>cars and a locomotive, each going in opposite -directions, pass each other at this siding -and each locomotive remain with, and have the -same relative position to its own train after as -before passing?</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i_153.jpg' alt='line drawing' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—Let one train -and its locomotive be denoted -by A, and the other -train and locomotive by B, -and let the track be denoted by <i>a b</i> and the siding -by <i>c d</i>, and suppose train A to be going in the direction -of <i>a b</i>, and train B in the direction of <i>b a</i>. -Then let locomotive B, with eight cars, run out -toward <i>a</i>, past <i>c</i>, and back up on the siding with -its eight cars; then let train A run out toward <i>b</i>, -past <i>c</i>; then let B draw its eight cars on to the -main track and run out toward <i>a</i>; then let train -A back over toward <i>a</i>, past <i>c</i>, and locomotive A be -detached from train A and run over toward <i>b</i> and -connect with the eight cars of train B and draw -them over past <i>c</i>, and back them up on the siding, -and then run off the siding and connect again with -its own cars and run on toward <i>b</i>, past <i>c</i>; then let -locomotive B back its eight cars and, turning on -the siding, connect the two halves of its train and -move off past <i>a</i>, the train A moving on at the same -time past <i>b</i>.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>A and B went to market with 30 pigs each. -A sold his pigs at 2 for $1, and B sold his pigs -at the rate of 3 for $1, and they, together, received -$25. The next day A went to market -alone with 60 pigs, and, wishing to sell at the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_154'>154</span>same rate, sold them 5 for $2, and received -only $24. Why should he not receive as much -as when B owned half of the pigs?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—The rate of 2 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for -$½, and the rate of 3 pigs for $1 is 1 pig for $⅓; the -average rate is 2 pigs for $½ + $⅓, or $⅚, or 1 pig for -$5/12. The rate of 5 pigs for $2 is 1 pig for $⅖. So -it is seen that the reason A did not receive as much -is that he sold his pigs at a less rate than when -they both went to market.</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Two hunters killed a deer and sold it by the -pound in the woods. They had no proper -means of weighing it, but knew their own -weights—one 130 pounds and the other 190 -pounds. They placed a rail across a fence so -that it balanced with one of them on each end. -They then exchanged places, the lighter man -taking the deer in his lap, and the rail again -balanced; what was the weight of the deer?</p> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—Let the weight of the deer be denoted -by D; then, by the principles of the lever, we -have the proportion:</span></p> - -<table class='table11' summary=''> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c017'>130 : 190</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c019'>190 : 130 + D:</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c008'>Or,</td> - <td class='c017'>130 (130 + D)</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c019'>190 × 190;</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'>Whence,</td> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c017'>16900 + 130 D</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c019'>36100:</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c008'>Or,</td> - <td class='c017'>130 D</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c019'>19200;</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c008'> </td> - <td class='c008'>And,</td> - <td class='c017'>D</td> - <td class='c013'>=</td> - <td class='c019'>147-9/13.</td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p class='c005'>Who can solve the following problem?</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>A hundred and one by fifty divide,</div> - <div class='line'>And next let a cipher be duly applied,</div> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_155'>155</span>And if the result you should rightly divine,</div> - <div class='line'>You’ll find that the whole makes but one out of nine.</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Explanation.</span>—CI, CLI, CLIO (Clio, the muse -of history, one of the <i>nine</i> muses).</span></p> - -<p class='c005'>Suppose the figure to -represent railroad tracks, -C D and E F being each -the length of a car or locomotive, -and <i>a</i> and <i>b</i> each representing a car on -the track and <i>c</i> representing a locomotive on -E F. Now how can the locomotive change the -relative position of <i>a</i> and <i>b</i> so that <i>b</i> will be on -the track where <i>a</i> is and <i>a</i> will be on the track -where <i>b</i> is?</p> - -<div class='figcenter id004'> -<img src='images/i_155.jpg' alt='line drawing' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<p class='c006'><span class='small'><span class='sc'>Answer.</span>—The locomotive <i>c</i> backs <i>a</i> down and -out toward A, then runs over toward B and backs -<i>b</i> up on E F, then runs back toward B and goes -over toward A, then runs up C E and draws <i>b</i> down -on C E, then runs over toward A and gets car <i>a</i>, -draws it over toward B and backs it up on D E. It -can also be readily done by first backing <i>a</i> down -on A C and drawing to and leaving it on C D.</span></p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c002'> - <div><b><span class='xxlarge'>TALKS</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='xlarge'><span class='sc'>By</span> GEORGE THATCHER</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='small'>The Celebrated Minstrel</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b>140 Pages Paper Binding 25 Cents</b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This unique volume supplies in a most satisfactory -way the want that has heretofore been but indifferently -met by the so-called Stump-Speech books. Mr. -Thatcher is without doubt the most popular man in -minstrelsy, his name being known among mirth-loving -people everywhere, not only in America, but beyond -the seas. It is most fortunate that the services of a person -so distinguished have been secured for the preparation -of this book, especially since he has put in it his -own original matter exactly as he uses it nightly to convulse -his audiences with laughter. The book contains -all his Monologues, Parodies, Songs, Sketches, Poems, -Speeches, Jokes, etc., etc. It will be found invaluable -to every humorous reader, to amateur and professional -minstrels, and in addition will prove interesting reading -to any person who is fond of the lighter vein of -literature.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c002'> - <div><b><span class='xxlarge'>JOKES</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='small'>GATHERED BY</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='xlarge'>HENRY FIRTH WOOD</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='small'>The Popular Humorist</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='small'>ILLUSTRATED</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b>150 Pages Paper Binding 25 Cents</b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>This attractive little volume is a collection of the -brightest, funniest, and most catchy Jokes of the -day. They are all short, some of them occupying only -six or eight lines, but they are as pointed as short, and -all are fairly bristling with wit and humor of the keenest -kind. There are no old ones among them, the collection -being the very latest crop.</p> - -<p class='c006'>They are classified, according to their character, -under such headings as “Womankind,” “Youth,” -“Bald and Tough,” etc., ten sections in all, and each -headed with a peculiarly appropriate illustration.</p> - -<p class='c006'>The author is widely and favorably known through -his humorous lectures and readings, and both publicly -and privately is recognized as one of the genuinely -funny men of the day.</p> - -<p class='c006'>It is a book that can be picked up and enjoyed at -any time, and if read aloud to a company will afford an -infinite fund of mirth and merriment.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c002'> - <div><b><span class='xxlarge'>FULL OF FUN</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b><span class='sc'>250 Pages Paper Binding 50 Cents</span></b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>The suggestive and peculiarly fitting title of this attractive -volume faithfully describes the character of its contents, -as it is packed full of fun from the beginning to the end. It is -composed of three popular titles, TALKS, by the celebrated minstrel, -George Thatcher, containing all his monologues, songs, witty -sayings, etc.; JOKES, by the popular humorist, Henry Firth Wood, -comprising a multitude of bright and bristling comicalities; and -CONUNDRUMS, by Dean Rivers, embracing the latest and best -in the line of Conundrums, Riddles, and Puzzles, and including -also a number of most complex Arithmetical Puzzles. The different -authors and compilers are deservedly popular and prominent -as representing the keenest and freshest in everything that is -bright and witty, and are a sure guaranty that the volume possesses -all the merit that is claimed for it.</p> - -<p class='c006'>The collection as a whole will afford excellent amusement for -the fireside, will prove a splendid store-house from which to -draw material for anecdote or illustration, is valuable for public -reading or entertainment, and will be found enjoyable reading for -private perusal, while as a cure for an attack of the blues it is -unfailing.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Sold by all Booksellers, or sent, prepaid, upon receipt of price</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c002'> - <div><b><span class='xlarge'>DANCING</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b>By Marguerite Wilson</b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>A complete instructor, beginning with the first -positions and steps and leading up to the square and -round dances. It contains also a full list of calls for -all of the square dances, and the necessary music -for each figure, the etiquette of the dances, and 100 -figures for the german. It is unusually well illustrated -by a large number of original drawings. -Without doubt the best book on the subject.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div><b><span class='xlarge'>PRACTICAL PALMISTRY</span></b></div> - <div class='c003'><b>By Henry Frith</b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c005'>There is to-day probably no more popular character -study than that of Palmistry. Many more people -would be interested in it if there were a convenient -book that came within their comprehension and that -was reliable. This volume furnishes full and trustworthy -information on the subject, and with a little -practice any person will be able to read character, -recall past events, and forecast future occurrences, -upon examination of the hand. Fully illustrated.</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c1'> -<div class='nf-center c011'> - <div><b><span class='large'>THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY</span></b></div> - <div><b>923 Arch Street, Philadelphia</b></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c003' /> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c004'><b><span class='xlarge'><span class='sc'>Transcriber’s Note</span></span></b></h2> -</div> - -<p class='c005'><span class='sc'>Warning</span>: Some of the puns may contain elements that we -would today deem stereotyping by race, ethnicity or gender.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Punctuation has been normalized. Variations -in hyphenation have been retained as they were in the -original publication. The following changes have been made:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c021'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>draws and colors beatifully —> beautifully {43}</div> - <div class='line'>vingt quatre —> vingt-quatre {133}</div> - <div class='line'>cerque —> cirque {133}</div> - <div class='line'>difference —> différence {133}</div> - <div class='line'>parse qu’el —> parce qu’il {133}</div> - <div class='line'>Carthagenois —> Carthaginois {133}</div> - <div class='line'>Romans —> Romains {133}</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Quand un gant resemble-t-il an numero vingt cinq. —></div> - <div class='line'>Quand un gant ressemble-t-il au numéro vingt-cinq. {134}</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>treeze —> treize {134}</div> - <div class='line'>Un felon peut-il prendu —> Un félon peut-il prendre {134}</div> - <div class='line'>j’etais —> j’étais {134}</div> - <div class='line'>que je suis —> ce que je suis {134}</div> - <div class='line'>maitresse —> maîtresse {134}</div> - <div class='line'>Je ne suis par —> Je ne suis pas {134}</div> - <div class='line'>in the margin of —> below {140, ind}</div> - <div class='line'>in the margin —> below {148, 149 - 3 instances}</div> - <div class='line'>divide the result by 6, add 25 —> add 20 {141}</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c006'>The following arithmetic problem in the original publication -did not contain a solution:</p> - -<p class='c022'>“Suppose it were possible for a man in Cincinnati -to start on Sunday noon,” {page 145}</p> - -<p class='c006'>Gaps in page numbering appear at chapter borders -to maintain pagination of original book, which -included repeated chapter headings, reduced -in this e-book.</p> - -<p class='c006'>Decorative use of letterspacing in the book cover -is represented in some mobile versions using italics.</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles, by Dean Rivers - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES *** - -***** This file should be named 52598-h.htm or 52598-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/5/9/52598/ - -Produced by MWS, Carolyn Jablonski and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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