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diff --git a/old/5240.txt b/old/5240.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f8d718 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/5240.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20596 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Complete +by Charles James Lever (1806-1872) + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Complete + +Author: Charles James Lever (1806-1872) + +Release Date: October 27, 2006 [EBook #5240] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, COMPLETE *** + + + + +Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger + + + + +[NOTE: There is a list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of the +file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making +an entire meal of them. D.W.] + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Volume 1 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + +[Note: Though the title page has no author's name inscribed, +this work is generally attributed to Charles James Lever.] + + + +Volume 1. (Chapters I. to X.) + + "We talked of pipe-clay regulation caps-- + Long twenty-fours--short culverins and mortars-- + Condemn'd the 'Horse Guards' for a set of raps, + And cursed our fate at being in such quarters. + Some smoked, some sighed, and some were heard to snore; + Some wished themselves five fathoms 'neat the Solway; + And some did pray--who never prayed before-- + That they might get the 'route' for Cork or Galway." + + + +To +Sir George Hamilton Seymour, G.C.H. +&c. &c. + +My Dear Sir Hamilton, + +If a feather will show how the wind blows, perhaps my dedicating to you +even as light matter as these Confessions may in some measure prove how +grateful I feel for the many kindnesses I have received from you in the +course of our intimacy. While thus acknowledging a debt, I must also +avow that another motive strongly prompts me upon this occasion. I am +not aware of any one, to whom with such propriety a volume of anecdote +and adventure should be inscribed, as to one, himself well known as an +inimitable narrator. Could I have stolen for my story, any portion of +the grace and humour with which I have heard you adorn many of your own, +while I should deem this offering more worthy of your acceptance, I +should also feel more confident of its reception by the public. + + With every sentiment of esteem and regard, + Believe me very faithfully yours, + THE AUTHOR +Bruxelles, December, 1839. + + + +PREFATORY EPISTLE. + +Dear Public, + +When first I set about recording the scenes which occupy these pages, I +had no intention of continuing them, except in such stray and scattered +fragments as the columns of a Magazine (FOOTNOTE: The Dublin University +Magazine.) permit of; and when at length I discovered that some interest +had attached not only to the adventures, but to their narrator, I would +gladly have retired with my "little laurels" from a stage, on which, +having only engaged to appear between the acts, I was destined to come +forward as a principal character. + +Among the "miseries of human life," a most touching one is spoken of--the +being obliged to listen to the repetition of a badly sung song, because +some well-wishing, but not over discreet friend of the singer has called +loudly for an encore. + +I begin very much to fear that something of the kind has taken place +here, and that I should have acted a wiser part, had I been contented +with even the still small voice of a few partial friends, and retired +from the boards in the pleasing delusion of success; but unfortunately, +the same easy temperament that has so often involved me before, has been +faithful to me here; and when you pretended to be pleased, unluckily, I +believed you. + +So much of apology for the matter--a little now for the manner of my +offending, and I have done. I wrote as I felt--sometimes in good +spirits, sometimes in bad--always carelessly--for, God help me, I can do +no better. + +When the celibacy of the Fellows of Trinity College, Dublin, became an +active law in that University, the Board proceeded to enforce it, by +summoning to their presence all the individuals who it was well known had +transgressed the regulation, and among them figured Dr. S., many of whose +sons were at the same time students in the college. "Are you married, +Dr. S-----r?" said the bachelor vice-provost, in all the dignity and +pride of conscious innocence. "Married!" said the father of ten +children, with a start of involuntary horror;--"married?" "Yes sir, +married." "Why sir, I am no more married than the Provost." This was +quite enough--no further questions were asked, and the head of the +University preferred a merciful course towards the offender, to +repudiating his wife and disowning his children. Now for the +application. Certain captious and incredulous people have doubted the +veracity of the adventures I have recorded in these pages; I do not think +it necessary to appeal to concurrent testimony and credible witnesses for +their proof, but I pledge myself to the fact that every tittle I have +related is as true as that my name is Lorrequer--need I say more? + +Another objection has been made to my narrative, and I cannot pass it by +without a word of remark;--"these Confessions are wanting in scenes of +touching and pathetic interest" (FOOTNOTE: We have the author's +permission to state, that all the pathetic and moving incidents of his +career he has reserved for a second series of "Confessions," to be +entitled "Lorrequer Married?"--Publisher's Note.)--true, quite true; but +I console myself on this head, for I remember hearing of an author whose +paraphrase of the book of Job was refused by a publisher, if he could not +throw a little more humour into it; and if I have not been more miserable +and more unhappy, I am very sorry for it on your account, but you must +excuse my regretting it on my own. Another story and I have done;--the +Newgate Calendar makes mention of a notorious housebreaker, who closed +his career of outrage and violence by the murder of a whole family, whose +house he robbed; on the scaffold he entreated permission to speak a few +words to the crowd beneath, and thus addressed them:--"My friends, it is +quite true I murdered this family; in cold blood I did it--one by one +they fell beneath my hand, while I rifled their coffers, and took forth +their effects; but one thing is imputed to me, which I cannot die without +denying--it is asserted that I stole an extinguisher; the contemptible +character of this petty theft is a stain upon my reputation, that I +cannot suffer to disgrace my memory." So would I now address you for all +the graver offences of my book; I stand forth guilty--miserably, palpably +guilty--they are mine every one of them; and I dare not, I cannot deny +them; but if you think that the blunders in French and the hash of +spelling so widely spread through these pages, are attributable to me; +on the faith of a gentleman I pledge myself you are wrong, and that I had +nothing to do with them. If my thanks for the kindness and indulgence +with which these hastily written and rashly conceived sketches have been +received by the press and the public, are of any avail, let me add, in +conclusion, that a more grateful author does not exist than + +HARRY LORREQUER + + + + +CONTENTS: + +Volume 1. + +CHAPTER I +Arrival in Cork--Civic Festivities--Private Theatricals + +CHAPTER II +Detachment Duty--The Burton Arms--Callonby + +CHAPTER III +Life at Callonby--Love-making--Miss O'Dowd's Adventure + +CHAPTER IV +Botanical Studies--The Natural System preferable to the Linnaean + +CHAPTER V +Puzzled--Explanation--Makes bad worse--The Duel + +CHAPTER VI +The Priest's Supper--Father Malachi and the Coadjutor--Major Jones and +the Abbe + +CHAPTER VII +The Lady's Letter--Peter and his Acquaintances--Too late + +CHAPTER VIII +Congratulations--Sick Leave--How to pass the Board + +CHAPTER IX +The Road--Travelling Acquaintances--A Packet Adventure + +CHAPTER X +Upset--Mind and Body + + +Volume 2. + +CHAPTER XI +Cheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend + +CHAPTER XII +Dublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula + +CHAPTER XIII +Dublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society + +CHAPTER XIV +The Chase + +CHAPTER XV +Mems Of the North Cork + +CHAPTER XVI +Theatricals + +CHAPTER XVI* (The chapter # is a repeat) +The Wager + +CHAPTER XVII +The Elopement + + +Volume 3. + +CHAPTER XVIII +Detachment Duty--An Assize Town + +CHAPTER XIX +The Assize Town + +CHAPTER XX +A Day in Dublin + +CHAPTER XXI +A Night at Howth + +CHAPTER XXII +The Journey + +CHAPTER XXIII +Calais + + +Volume 4. + +CHAPTER XXIV +The Gen d'Arme + +CHAPTER XXV +The Inn at Chantraine + +CHAPTER XXVI +Mr O'Leary + +CHAPTER XXVII +Paris +CHAPTER XXVIII +Paris + + +Volume 5. + +CHAPTER XXIX +Captain Trevanion's Adventure + +CHAPTER XXX +Difficulties + +CHAPTER XXXI +Explanation + +CHAPTER XXXII +Mr O'Leary's First Love + +CHAPTER XXXIII +Mr O'Leary's Second Love + +CHAPTER XXXIV +The Duel + +CHAPTER XXXV +Early Recollections--A First Love + +CHAPTER XXXVI +Wise Resolves + +CHAPTER XXXVII +The Proposal + +CHAPTER XXXVIII +Thoughts upon Matrimony in general, and in the Army in particular--The +Knight of Kerry and Billy M'Cabe + +CHAPTER XXXIX +A Reminiscence + +CHAPTER XL +The Two Letters + +CHAPTER XLI +Mr O'Leary's Capture + + + +Volume 6. + +CHAPTER XLII. +The Journey + +CHAPTER XLIII. +The Journey + +CHAPTER XLIV. +A Reminscence of the East + +CHAPTER XLV. +A Day in the Phoenix + +CHAPTER XLVI. +An Adventure in Canada + +CHAPTER XLVII. +The Courier's Passport + +CHAPTER XLVIII. +A Night in Strasbourg + +CHAPTER XLIX. +A Surprise + +CHAPTER L. +Jack Waller's Story + +CHAPTER LI. +Munich + +CHAPTER LII. +Inn at Munich + +CHAPTER LIII. +The Ball + +CHAPTER LIV. +A Discovery + +CHAPTER LV. +Conclusion + + + + + +A WORD OF INTRODUCTION. + +"Story! God bless you; I have none to tell, sir." + +It is now many--do not ask me to say how many--years since I received +from the Horse Guards the welcome intelligence that I was gazetted to an +ensigncy in his Majesty's __th Foot, and that my name, which had figured +so long in the "Duke's" list, with the words "a very hard case" appended, +should at length appear in the monthly record of promotions and +appointments. + +Since then my life has been passed in all the vicissitudes of war and +peace. The camp and the bivouac--the reckless gaiety of the mess-table +--the comfortless solitude of a French prison--the exciting turmoils of +active service--the wearisome monotony of garrison duty, I have alike +partaken of, and experienced. A career of this kind, with a temperament +ever ready to go with the humour of those about him will always be sure +of its meed of adventure. Such has mine been; and with no greater +pretension than to chronicle a few of the scenes in which I have borne a +part, and revive the memory of the other actors in them--some, alas! Now +no more--I have ventured upon these "Confessions." + +If I have not here selected that portion of my life which most abounded +in striking events and incidents most worthy of recording, my excuse is +simply, because being my first appearance upon the boards, I preferred +accustoming myself to the look of the house, while performing the "Cock," +to coming before the audience in the more difficult part of Hamlet. + +As there are unhappily impracticable people in the world, who, as Curran +expressed it, are never content to know "who killed the gauger, if you +can't inform them who wove his corduroys"--to all such I would, in deep +humility, say, that with my "Confessions" they have nothing to do--I have +neither story nor moral--my only pretension to the one, is the detail of +a passion which marked some years of my life; my only attempt at the +other, the effort to show how prolific in hair-breadth 'scapes may a +man's career become, who, with a warm imagination and easy temper, +believes too much, and rarely can feign a part without forgetting that he +is acting. Having said thus much, I must once more bespeak the +indulgence never withheld from a true penitent, and at once begin my +"Confessions." + + + + +CHAPTER I. + +ARRIVAL IN CORK--CIVIC FESTIVITIES--PRIVATE THEATRICALS. + +It was on a splendid morning in the autumn of the year 181_ that the +Howard transport, with four hundred of his Majesty's 4_th Regt., dropped +anchor in the beautiful harbour of Cove; the sea shone under the purple +light of the rising sun with a rich rosy hue, beautifully in contrast +with the different tints of the foliage of the deep woods already tinged +with the brown of autumn. Spike Island lay "sleeping upon its broad +shadow," and the large ensign which crowns the battery was wrapped around +the flag-staff, there not being even air enough to stir it. It was still +so early, that but few persons were abroad; and as we leaned over the +bulwarks, and looked now, for the first time for eight long years, upon +British ground, many an eye filled, and many a heaving breast told how +full of recollections that short moment was, and how different our +feelings from the gay buoyancy with which we had sailed from that same +harbour for the Peninsula; many of our best and bravest had we left +behind us, and more than one native to the land we were approaching had +found his last rest in the soil of the stranger. It was, then, with a +mingled sense of pain and pleasure, we gazed upon that peaceful little +village, whose white cottages lay dotted along the edge of the harbour. +The moody silence our thoughts had shed over us was soon broken: the +preparations for disembarking had begun, and I recollect well to this +hour how, shaking off the load that oppressed my heart, I descended the +gangway, humming poor Wolfe's well-known song-- + + "Why, soldiers, why + Should we be melancholy, boys?" + +And to this elasticity of spirits--whether the result of my profession, +or the gift of God--as Dogberry has it--I know not--I owe the greater +portion of the happiness I have enjoyed in a life, whose changes and +vicissitudes have equalled most men's. + +Drawn up in a line along the shore, I could scarce refrain from a smile +at our appearance. Four weeks on board a transport will certainly not +contribute much to the "personnel" of any unfortunate therein confined; +but when, in addition to this, you take into account that we had not +received new clothes for three years--if I except caps for our +grenadiers, originally intended for a Scotch regiment, but found to be +all too small for the long-headed generation. Many a patch of brown and +grey, variegated the faded scarlet, "of our uniform," and scarcely a pair +of knees in the entire regiment did not confess their obligations to a +blanket. But with all this, we shewed a stout, weather-beaten front, +that, disposed as the passer-by might feel to laugh at our expense, very +little caution would teach him it was fully as safe to indulge it in his +sleeve. + +The bells from every steeple and tower rung gaily out a peal of welcome +as we marched into "that beautiful city called Cork," our band playing +"Garryowen"--for we had been originally raised in Ireland, and still +among our officers maintained a strong majority from that land of punch, +priests, and potatoes--the tattered flag of the regiment proudly waving +over our heads, and not a man amongst us whose warm heart did not bound +behind a Waterloo medal. Well--well! I am now--alas, that I should say +it--somewhat in the "sear and yellow;" and I confess, after the +experience of some moments of high, triumphant feeling, that I never +before felt within me, the same animating, spirit-filling glow of +delight, as rose within my heart that day, as I marched at the head +of my company down George's-street. + +We were soon settled in barracks; and then began a series of +entertainments on the side of the civic dignities of Cork, which soon led +most of us to believe that we had only escaped shot and shell to fall +less gloriously beneath champagne and claret. I do not believe there is +a coroner in the island who would have pronounced but the one verdict +over the regiment--"Killed by the mayor and corporation," had we so +fallen. + +First of all, we were dined by the citizens of Cork--and, to do them +justice, a harder drinking set of gentlemen no city need boast; then we +were feasted by the corporation; then by the sheriffs; then came the +mayor, solus; then an address, with a cold collation, that left eight of +us on the sick-list for a fortnight; but the climax of all was a grand +entertainment given in the mansion-house, and to which upwards of two +thousand were invited. It was a species of fancy ball, beginning by a +dejeune at three o'clock in the afternoon, and ending--I never yet met +the man who could tell when it ended; as for myself, my finale partook a +little of the adventurous, and I may as well relate it. + +After waltzing for about an hour with one of the prettiest girls I ever +set eyes upon, and getting a tender squeeze of the hand, as I restored +her to a most affable-looking old lady in a blue turban and a red velvet +gown who smiled most benignly on me, and called me "Meejor," I retired to +recruit for a new attack, to a small table, where three of ours were +quaffing "ponche a la Romaine," with a crowd of Corkagians about them, +eagerly inquiring after some heroes of their own city, whose deeds of +arms they were surprised did not obtain special mention from "the Duke." +I soon ingratiated myself into this well-occupied clique, and dosed them +with glory to their hearts' content. I resolved at once to enter into +their humour; and as the "ponche" mounted up to my brain I gradually +found my acquaintanceship extend to every family and connexion in the +country. + +"Did ye know Phil Beamish of the 3_th, sir?" said a tall, red-faced, +red-whiskered, well-looking gentleman, who bore no slight resemblance +to Feargus O'Connor. + +"Phil Beamish!" said I. "Indeed I did, sir, and do still; and there is +not a man in the British army I am prouder of knowing." Here, by the +way, I may mention that I never heard the name till that moment. + +"You don't say so, sir?" said Feargus--for so I must call him, for +shortness sake. "Has he any chance of the company yet, sir?" + +"Company!" said I, in astonishment. "He obtained his majority three +months since. You cannot possibly have heard from lately, or you would +have known that?" + +"That's true, sir. I never heard since he quitted the 3_th to go to +Versailles, I think they call it, for his health. But how did he get the +step, sir?" + +"Why, as to the company, that was remarkable enough!" said I, quaffing +off a tumbler of champagne, to assist my invention. "You know it was +about four o'clock in the afternoon of the 18th that Napoleon ordered +Grouchy to advance with the first and second brigade of the Old Guard and +two regiments of chasseurs, and attack the position occupied by Picton +and the regiments under his command. Well, sir, on they came, masked by +the smoke of a terrific discharge of artillery, stationed on a small +eminence to our left, and which did tremendous execution among our poor +fellows--on they came, Sir; and as the smoke cleared partially away we +got a glimpse of them, and a more dangerous looking set I should not +desire to see: grizzle-bearded, hard-featured, bronzed fellows, about +five-and-thirty or forty years of age; their beauty not a whit improved +by the red glare thrown upon their faces and along the whole line by each +flash of the long twenty-fours that were playing away to the right. Just +at this moment Picton rode down the line with his staff, and stopping +within a few paces of me, said, 'They're coming up; steady, boys; steady +now: we shall have something to do soon.' And then, turning sharply +round, he looked in the direction of the French battery, that was +thundering away again in full force, 'Ah, that must be silenced,' said +he, 'Where's Beamish?'--"Says Picton!" interrupted Feargus, his eyes +starting from their sockets, and his mouth growing wider every moment, as +he listed with the most intense interest. "Yes," said I, slowly; and +then, with all the provoking nonchalance of an Italian improvisatore, who +always halts at the most exciting point of his narrative, I begged a +listener near me to fill my glass from the iced punch beside him. Not a +sound was heard as I lifted the bumper to my lips; all were breathless in +their wound-up anxiety to hear of their countryman who had been selected +by Picton--for what, too, they knew not yet, and, indeed, at this instant +I did not know myself, and nearly laughed outright, for the two of our +men who had remained at the table had so well employed their interval of +ease as to become very pleasantly drunk, and were listening to my +confounded story with all the gravity and seriousness in the world. + +"'Where's Beamish?' said Picton. 'Here, sir,' said Phil stepping out +from the line and touching his cap to the general, who, taking him apart +for a few minutes, spoke to him with great animation. We did not know +what he said; but before five minutes were over, there was Phil with +three companies of light-bobs drawn up at our left; their muskets at the +charge, they set off at a round trot down the little steep which closed +our flank. We had not much time to follow their movements, for our own +amusement began soon; but I well remember, after repelling the French +attack, and standing in square against two heavy charges of cuirassiers, +the first thing I saw where the French battery had stood, was Phil +Beamish and about a handful of brave fellows, all that remained from the +skirmish. He captured two of the enemy's field-pieces, and was 'Captain +Beamish' on the day after." + +"Long life to him," said at least a dozen voices behind and about me, +while a general clinking of decanters and smacking of lips betokened that +Phil's health with all the honours was being celebrated. For myself, I +was really so engrossed by my narrative, and so excited by the "ponche," +that I saw or heard very little of what was passing around, and have only +a kind of dim recollection of being seized by the hand by "Feargus," who +was Beamish's brother, and who, in the fullness of his heart, would have +hugged me to his breast, if I had not opportunely been so overpowered as +to fall senseless under the table. + +When I first returned to consciousness, I found myself lying exactly +where I had fallen. Around me lay heaps of slain--the two of "ours" +amongst the number. One of them--I remember he was the adjutant--held in +his hand a wax candle (three to the pound). Whether he had himself +seized it in the enthusiasm of my narrative of flood and field, or it had +been put there by another, I know not, but he certainly cut a droll +figure. The room we were in was a small one off the great saloon, and +through the half open folding-door I could clearly perceive that the +festivities were still continued. The crash of fiddles and French horns, +and the tramp of feet, which had lost much of their elasticity since the +entertainments began, rang through my ears, mingled with the sounds "down +the middle," "hands across," "here's your partner, Captain." What hour +of the night or morning it then was, I could not guess; but certainly the +vigor of the party seemed little abated, if I might judge from the +specimens before me, and the testimony of a short plethoric gentleman, +who stood wiping his bald head, after conducting his partner down +twenty-eight couple, and who, turning to his friend, said, "Oh, the +distance is nothing, but it is the pace that kills." + +The first evidence I shewed of any return to reason, was a strong +anxiety to be at my quarters; but how to get there I knew not. The faint +glimmering of sense I possessed told me that "to stand was to fall," and +I was ashamed to go on all-fours, which prudence suggested. + +At this moment I remembered I had brought with me my cane, which, from a +perhaps pardonable vanity, I was fond of parading. It was a present from +the officers of my regiment--many of them, alas, since dead--and had a +most splendid gold head, with a stag at the top--the arms of the +regiment. This I would not have lost for any consideration I can +mention; and this now was gone! I looked around me on every side; I +groped beneath the table; I turned the sleeping sots who lay about in no +very gentle fashion; but, alas, it was gone. I sprang to my feet and +only then remembered how unfit I was to follow up the search, as tables, +chairs, lights, and people seemed all rocking and waving before me. +However, I succeeded in making my way, through one room into another, +sometimes guiding my steps along the walls; and once, as I recollect, +seeking the diagonal of a room, I bisected a quadrille with such +ill-directed speed, as to run foul of a Cork dandy and his partner who +were just performing the "en avant:" but though I saw them lie tumbled +in the dust by the shock of my encounter--for I had upset them--I still +held on the even tenor of my way. In fact, I had feeling for but one +loss; and, still in pursuit of my cane, I reached the hall-door. Now, +be it known that the architecture of the Cork Mansion House has but one +fault, but that fault is a grand one, and a strong evidence of how +unsuited English architects are to provide buildings for a people whose +tastes and habits they but imperfectly understand--be it known, then, +that the descent from the hall-door to the street was by a flight of +twelve stone steps. How I should ever get down these was now my +difficulty. If Falstaff deplored "eight yards of uneven ground as being +three score and ten miles a foot," with equal truth did I feel that +these twelve awful steps were worse to me than would be M'Gillicuddy +Reeks in the day-light, and with a head clear from champagne. + +While I yet hesitated, the problem resolved itself; for, gazing down upon +the bright gravel, brilliantly lighted by the surrounding lamps, I lost +my balance, and came tumbling and rolling from top to bottom, where I +fell upon a large mass of some soft substance, to which, in all +probability, I owe my life. In a few seconds I recovered my senses, and +what was my surprise to find that the downy cushion beneath, snored most +audibly! I moved a little to one side, and then discovered that in +reality it was nothing less than an alderman of Cork, who, from his +position, I concluded had shared the same fate with myself; there he lay, +"like a warrior taking his rest," but not with his "martial cloak around +him," but a much more comfortable and far more costly robe--a scarlet +gown of office--with huge velvet cuffs and a great cape of the same +material. True courage consists in presence of mind; and here mine came +to my aid at once: recollecting the loss I had just sustained, and +perceiving that all was still about me, with that right Peninsular maxim, +that reprisals are fair in an enemy's camp, I proceeded to strip the +slain; and with some little difficulty--partly, indeed, owing to my +unsteadiness on my legs--I succeeded in denuding the worthy alderman, who +gave no other sign of life during the operation than an abortive effort +to "hip, hip, hurra," in which I left him, having put on the spoil, and +set out on my way the the barrack with as much dignity of manner as I +could assume in honour of my costume. And here I may mention (en +parenthese) that a more comfortable morning gown no man ever possessed, +and in its wide luxuriant folds I revel, while I write these lines. + +When I awoke on the following day I had considerable difficulty in +tracing the events of the past evening. The great scarlet cloak, +however, unravelled much of the mystery, and gradually the whole of my +career became clear before me, with the single exception of the episode +of Phil Beamish, about which my memory was subsequently refreshed--but I +anticipate. Only five appeared that day at mess; and, Lord! What +spectres they were!--yellow as guineas; they called for soda water +without ceasing, and scarcely spoke a word to each other. It was plain +that the corporation of Cork was committing more havoc among us than +Corunna or Waterloo, and that if we did not change our quarters, there +would be quick promotion in the corps for such as were "seasoned +gentlemen." After a day or two we met again together, and then what +adventures were told--each man had his own story to narrate; and from the +occurrences detailed, one would have supposed years had been passing, +instead of the short hours of an evening party. Mine were indeed among +the least remarkable; but I confess that the air of vraisemblance +produced by my production of the aldermanic gown gave me the palm above +all competitors. + +Such was our life in Cork--dining, drinking, dancing, riding steeple +chases, pigeon shooting, and tandem driving--filling up any little +interval that was found to exist between a late breakfast, and the time +to dress for dinner; and here I hope I shall not be accused of a tendency +to boasting, while I add, that among all ranks and degrees of men, and +women too, there never was a regiment more highly in estimation than the +4_th. We felt the full value of all the attentions we were receiving; +and we endeavoured, as best we might, to repay them. We got up Garrison +Balls and Garrison Plays, and usually performed one or twice a week +during the winter. Here I shone conspicuously; in the morning I was +employed painting scenery and arranging the properties; as it grew later, +I regulated the lamps, and looked after the foot-lights, mediating +occasionally between angry litigants, whose jealousies abound to the full +as much, in private theatricals, as in the regular corps dramatique. +Then, I was also leader in the orchestra; and had scarcely to speak the +prologues. Such are the cares of greatness: to do myself justice, I did +not dislike them; though, to be sure, my taste for the drama did cost me +a little dear, as will be seen in the sequel. + +We were then in the full career of popularity. Our balls pronounced the +very pleasantest; our plays far superior to any regular corps that had +ever honoured Cork with their talents; when an event occurred which threw +a gloom over all our proceedings, and finally put a stop to every project +for amusement, we had so completely given ourselves up to. This was no +less than the removal of our Lieutenant-Colonel. After thirty years of +active service in the regiment he then commanded, his age and +infirmities, increased by some severe wounds, demanded ease and repose; +he retired from us, bearing along with him the love and regard of every +man in the regiment. To the old officers he was endeared by long +companionship, and undeviating friendship; to the young, he was in every +respect as a father, assisting by his advice, and guiding by his counsel; +while to the men, the best estimate of his worth appeared in the fact, +that corporeal punishment was unknown in the corps. Such was the man we +lost; and it may well be supposed, that his successor, who, or whatever +he might be, came under circumstances of no common difficulty amongst us; +but, when I tell, that our new Lieutenant-Colonel was in every respect +his opposite, it may be believed how little cordiality he met with. + +Lieutenant-Colonel Carden--for so I shall call him, although not his real +name--had not been a month at quarters, when he proved himself a regular +martinet; everlasting drills, continual reports, fatigue parties, and +ball practice, and heaven knows what besides, superseded our former +morning's occupation; and, at the end of the time I have metioned, we, +who had fought our way from Albuera to Waterloo, under some of the +severest generals of division, were pronounced a most disorderly and +ill-disciplined regiment, by a Colonel, who had never seen a shot fired +but at a review in Hounslow, or a sham-battle in the Fifteen Acres. The +winter was now drawing to a close--already some little touch of spring +was appearing; as our last play for the season was announced, every +effort to close with some little additional effort was made; and each +performer in the expected piece was nerving himself for an effort beyond +his wont. The Colonel had most unequivocally condemned these plays; but +that mattered not; they came not within his jurisdiction; and we took no +notice of his displeasure, further than sending him tickets, which were +as immediately returned as received. From being the chief offender, I +had become particularly obnoxious; and he had upon more than one +occasion expressed his desire for an opportunity to visit me with his +vengeance; but being aware of his kind intentions towards me, I took +particular care to let no such opportunity occur. + +On the morning in question, then, I had scarcely left my quarters, when +one of my brother officers informed me that the Colonel had made a great +uproar, that one of the bills of the play had been put up on his door +--which, with his avowed dislike to such representations, he considered as +intended to insult him: he added, too, that the Colonel attributed it to +me. In this, however, he was wrong--and, to this hour, I never knew who +did it. I had little time, and still less inclination, to meditate upon +the Colonel's wrath--the theatre had all my thoughts; and indeed it was a +day of no common exertion, for our amusements were to conclude with a +grand supper on the stage, to which all the elite of Cork were invited. +Wherever I went through the city--and many were my peregrinations--the +great placard of the play stared me in the fact; and every gate and +shuttered window in Cork, proclaimed, "THE PART OF OTHELLO, BY MR. +LORREQUER." + +As evening drew near, my cares and occupations were redoubled. My Iago +I had fears for--'tis true he was an admirable Lord Grizzle in Tom Thumb +--but then--then I had to paint the whole company, and bear all their +abuse besides, for not making some of the most ill-looking wretches, +perfect Apollos; but, last of all, I was sent for, at a quarter to +seven, to lace Desdemona's stays. Start not, gentle reader--my fair +Desdemona--she "who might lie by an emperor's side, and command him +tasks"--was no other than the senior lieutenant of the regiment, and who +was a great a votary of the jolly god as honest Cassio himself. But I +must hasten on--I cannot delay to recount our successes in detail. Let +it suffice to say, that, by universal consent, I was preferred to Kean; +and the only fault the most critical observer could find to the +representative of Desdemona, was a rather unlady-like fondness for +snuff. But, whatever little demerits our acting might have displayed, +were speedily forgotten in a champagne supper. There I took the head of +the table; and, in the costume of the noble Moor, toasted, made +speeches, returned thanks, and sung songs, till I might have exclaimed +with Othello himself, "Chaos was come again;"--and I believe I owe my +ever reaching the barrack that night to the kind offices of Desdemona, +who carried me the greater part of the way on her back. + +The first waking thoughts of him who has indulged over-night, was not +among the most blissful of existence, and certainly the pleasure is not +increased by the consciousness that he is called on to the discharge of +duties to which a fevered pulse and throbbing temples are but ill-suited. +My sleep was suddenly broken in upon the morning after the play, but a +"row-dow-dow" beat beneath my window. I jumped hastily from my bed, and +looked out, and there, to my horror, perceived the regiment under arms. +It was one of our confounded colonel's morning drills; and there he stood +himself with the poor adjutant, who had been up all night, shivering +beside him. Some two or three of the officers had descended; and the +drum was now summoning the others as it beat round the barrack-square. +I saw there was not a moment to lose, and proceeded to dress with all +despatch; but, to my misery, I discovered every where nothing but +theatrical robes and decorations--there lay a splendid turban, here a +pair of buskins--a spangled jacket glittered on one table, and a jewelled +scimitar on the other. At last I detected my "regimental small-clothes," +&c. Most ignominiously thrust into a corner, in my ardour for my Moorish +robes the preceding evening. + +I dressed myself with the speed of lightning; but as I proceeded in my +occupation-guess my annoyance to find that the toilet-table and glass, +ay, and even the basin-stand, had been removed to the dressing-room of +the theatre; and my servant, I suppose, following his master's example, +was too tipsy to remember to bring them back; so that I was unable to +procure the luxury of cold water--for now not a moment more remained--the +drum had ceased, and the men had all fallen in. Hastily drawing on my +coat, I put on my shako, and buckling on my belt as dandy-like as might +be, hurried down the stairs to the barrack-yard. By the time I got down, +the men were all drawn up in line along the square; while the adjutant +was proceeding to examine their accoutrements, &c. as he passed down. +The colonel and the officers were standing in a group, but no conversing. +The anger of the commanding officer appeared still to continue, and there +was a dead silence maintained on both sides. To reach the spot where +they stood, I had to pass along part of the line. In doing so, how shall +I convey my amazement at the faces that met me--a general titter ran +along the entire rank, which not even their fears for consequences seemed +able to repress--for an effort, on the part of many, to stifle the laugh, +only ended in a still louder burst of merriment. I looked to the far +side of the yard for an explanation, but there was nothing there to +account for it. I now crossed over to where the officers were standing, +determining in my own mind to investigate the occurrence thoroughly, when +free from the presence of the colonel, to whom any representation of ill +conduct always brought a punishment far exceeding the merits of the case. + +Scarcely had I formed this resolve, when I reached the group of officers; +but the moment I came near, one general roar of laughter saluted me,--the +like of which I never before heard--I looked down at my costume, +expecting to discover that, in my hurry to dress, I had put on some of +the garments of Othello--No: all was perfectly correct. I waited for a +moment, till the first burst of their merriment over, I should obtain a +clue to the jest. But their mirth appeared to increase. Indeed poor +G----, the senior major, one of the gravest men in Europe, laughed till +the tears ran down his cheeks; and such was the effect upon me, that I +was induced to laugh too--as men will sometimes, from the infectious +nature of that strange emotion; but, no sooner did I do this, than their +fun knew no bounds, and some almost screamed aloud, in the excess of +their merriment; just at this instant the Colonel, who had been examining +some of the men, approached our group, advancing with an air of evident +displeasure, as the shouts of loud laughter continued. As he came up, +I turned hastily round, and touching my cap, wished him good morning. +Never shall I forget the look he gave me. If a glance could have +annihilated any man, his would have finished me. For a moment his face +became purple with rage, his eye was almost hid beneath his bent brow, +and he absolutely shook with passion. + +"Go, Sir," said he at length, as soon as he was able to find utterance +for his words; "Go, sir, to your quarters; and before you leave them, a +court-martial shall decide, if such continued insult to your commanding +officer, warrants your name being in the Army List." + +"What the devil can all this mean?" I said, in a half-whisper, turning to +the others. But there they stood, their handkerchiefs to their mouths, +and evidently choking with suppressed laughter. + +"May I beg, Colonel C_____," said I---- + +"To your quarters, sir," roared the little man, in the voice of a lion. +And with a haughty wave of his hand, prevented all further attempt on my +part to seek explanation. + +"They're all mad, every man of them," I muttered, as I betook byself +slowly back to my rooms, amid the same evidences of mirth my first +appearance had excited--which even the Colonel's presence, feared as +he was, could not entirely subdue. + +With the air of a martyr I trod heavily up the stairs, and entered my +quarters, meditating within myself, awful schemes for vengeance, on the +now open tyranny of my Colonel; upon whom, I too, in my honest rectitude +of heart, vowed to have "a court-martial." I threw myself upon a chair, +and endeavoured to recollect what circumstance of the past evening could +have possibly suggested all the mirth in which both officers and men +seemed to participate equally; but nothing could I remember, capable of +solving the mystery,--surely the cruel wrongs of the manly Othello were +no laughter-moving subject. + +I rang the bell hastily for my servant. The door opened. + +"Stubbes," said I, "are you aware"---- + +I had only got so far in my question, when my servant, one of the most +discreet of men, put on a broad grin, and turned away towards the door to +hide his face. + +"What the devil does this mean?" said I, stamping with passion; "he is as +bad as the rest. Stubbes," and this I spoke with the most grave and +severe tone, "what is the meaning of the insolence?" + +"Oh, sir," said the man; "Oh, sir, surely you did not appear on parade +with that face?" and then he burst into a fit of the most uncontrollable +laughter. + +Like lightning a horrid doubt shot across my mind. I sprung over to the +dressing-glass, which had been replaced, and oh: horror of horrors! +There I stood as black as the king of Ashantee. The cursed dye which I +had put on for Othello, I had never washed off,--and there with a huge +bear-skin shako, and a pair of black, bushy whiskers, shone my huge, +black, and polished visage, glowering at itself in the looking-glass. + +My first impulse, after amazement had a little subsided, was to laugh +immoderately; in this I was joined by Stubbes, who, feeling that his +mirth was participated in, gave full vent to his risibility. And, +indeed, as I stood before the glass, grinning from ear to ear, I felt +very little surprise that my joining in the laughter of my brother +officers, a short time before, had caused an increase of their merriment. +I threw myself upon a sofa, and absolutely laughed till my sides ached, +when, the door opening, the adjutant made his appearance. He looked for +a moment at me, then at Stubbes, and then burst out himself, as loud as +either of us. When he had at length recovered himself, he wiped his face +with his handkerchief, and said, with a tone of much gravity:-- + +"But, my dear Lorrequer, this will be a serious--a devilish serious +affair. You know what kind of man Colonel C____ is; and you are aware, +too, you are not one of his prime favourites. He is firmly convinced +that you intended to insult him, and nothing will convince him to the +contrary. We told him how it must have occurred, but he will listen to +no explanation." + +I thought for one second before I replied, my mind, with the practised +rapidity of an old campaigner, took in all the pros and cons of the case; +I saw at a glance, it were better to brave the anger of the Colonel, come +in what shape it might, than be the laughing-stock of the mess for life, +and with a face of the greatest gravity and self-possession, said, + +"Well, adjutant, the Colonel is right. It was no mistake! You know I +sent him tickets yesterday for the theatre. Well, he returned them; this +did not annoy me, but on one account, I had made a wager with Alderman +Gullable, that the Colonel should see me in Othello--what was to be done? +Don't you see, now, there was only one course, and I took it, old boy, +and have won my bet!" + +"And lost your commission for a dozen of champagne, I suppose," said the +adjutant. + +"Never mind, my dear fellow," I repled; "I shall get out of this scrape, +as I have done many others." + +"But what do you intend doing?" + +"Oh, as to that," said I, "I shall, of course, wait on the Colonel +immediately; pretend to him that it was a mere blunder, from the +inattention of my servant--hand over Stubbes to the powers that punish, +(here the poor fellow winced a little,) and make my peace as well as I +can. But, adjutant, mind," said I, "and give the real version to all our +fellows, and tell them to make it public as much as they please." + +"Never fear," said he, as he left the room still laughing, "they shall +all know the true story; but I wish with all my heart you were well out +of it." + +I now lost no time in making my toilet, and presented myself at the +Colonel's quarters. It is no pleasure for me to recount these passages +in my life, in which I have had to hear the "proud man's contumely." I +shall therefore merely observe, that after a very long interview, the +Colonel accepted my apologies, and we parted. + +Before a week elapsed, the story had gone far and near; every +dinner-table in Cork had laughed at it. As for me, I attained immortal +honour for my tact and courage. Poor Gullable readily agreed to favour +the story, and gave us a dinner as the lost wager, and the Colonel was +so unmercifully quizzed on the subject, and such broad allusions to his +being humbugged were given in the Cork papers, that he was obliged to +negociate a change of quarters with another regiment, to get out of the +continual jesting, and in less than a month we marched to Limerick, to +relieve, as it was reported, the 9th, ordered for foreign service, but, +in reality, only to relieve Lieut.-Colonel C____, quizzed beyond +endurance. + +However, if the Colonel had seemed to forgive, he did not forget, for the +very second week after our arrival in Limerick, I received one morning at +my breakfast-table, the following brief note from our adjutant:-- + + "My Dear Lorrequer--The Colonel has received orders to despatch two + companies to some remote part of the county Clare; as you have 'done + the state some service,' you are selected for the beautiful town of + Kilrush, where, to use the eulogistic language of the geography + books, 'there is a good harbour, and a market plentifully supplied + with fish.' I have just heard of the kind intention in store for + you, and lose no time in letting you know. + + "God give you a good deliverance from the 'garcons lances,' as the + Moniteur calls the Whiteboys, and believe me ever your's, Charles + Curzon." + +I had scarcely twice read over the adjutant's epistle, when I received +an official notification from the Colonel, directing me to proceed to +Kilrush, then and there to afford all aid and assistance in suppressing +illicit distillation, when called on for that purpose; and other similar +duties too agreeable to recapitulate. Alas! Alas! Othello's +occupation: was indeed gone! The next morning at sun-rise saw me on my +march, with what appearance of gaiety I could muster, but in reality very +much chopfallen at my banishment, and invoking sundry things upon the +devoted head of the Colonel, which he would by no means consider as +"blessings." + +How short-sighted are we mortals, whether enjoying all the pump and state +of royalty, or marching like myself at the head of a company of his +Majesty's 4_th. + +Little, indeed, did I anticipate that the Siberia to which I fancied I +was condemned should turn out the happiest quarters my fate ever threw me +into. But this, including as it does, one of the most important events +of my life, I reserve for another chapter.-- + +"What is that place called, Sergeant?"--"Bunratty Castle, sir," + +"Where do we breakfast?"--"At Clare Island, sir." + +"March away, boys!" + + + +CHAPTER II. + +DETACHMENT DUTY--THE BURTON ARMS--CALLONBY. + +For a week after my arrival at Kilrush, my life was one of the most +dreary monotony. The rain, which had begun to fall as I left Limerick, +continued to descend in torrents, and I found myself a close prisoner in +the sanded parlour of "mine inn." At no time would such "durance vile" +have been agreeable; but now, when I contrasted it with all I had left +behind at head quarters, it was absolutely maddening. The pleasant +lounge in the morning, the social mess, and the agreeable evening party, +were all exchanged for a short promenade of fourteen feet in one +direction, and twelve in the other, such being the accurate measurement +of my "salle a manger." A chicken, with legs as blue as a Highlander's +in winter, for my dinner; and the hours that all Christian mankind were +devoting to pleasant intercourse, and agreeable chit-chat, spent in +beating that dead-march to time, "the Devil's Tattoo," upon my ricketty +table, and forming, between whiles, sundry valorous resolutions to reform +my life, and "eschew sack and loose company." + +My front-window looked out upon a long, straggling, ill-paved street, +with its due proportion of mud-heaps, and duck pools; the houses on +either side were, for the most part, dingy-looking edifices, with +half-doors, and such pretension to being shops as a quart of meal, or +salt, displayed in the window, confers; or sometimes two tobacco-pipes, +placed "saltier-wise," would appear the only vendible article in the +establishment. A more wretched, gloomy-looking picture of woe-begone +poverty, I never beheld. + +If I turned for consolation to the back of the house, my eyes fell upon +the dirty yard of a dirty inn; the half-thatched cow-shed, where two +famished animals mourned their hard fate,--"chewing the cud of sweet and +bitter fancy;" the chaise, the yellow post-chaise, once the pride and +glory of the establishment, now stood reduced from its wheels, and +ignominiously degraded to a hen-house; on the grass-grown roof a cock had +taken his stand, with an air of protective patronage to the feathered +inhabitants beneath: + + "To what base uses must we come at last." + +That chaise, which once had conveyed the blooming bride, all blushes and +tenderness, and the happy groom, on their honeymoon visit to Ballybunion +and its romantic caves, or to the gigantic cliffs and sea-girt shores of +Moher--or with more steady pace and becoming gravity had borne along the +"going judge of assize,"--was now become a lying-in hospital for fowl, +and a nursery for chickens. Fallen as I was myself from my high estate, +it afforded me a species of malicious satisfaction to contemplate these +sad reverses of fortune; and I verily believe--for on such slight +foundation our greatest resolves are built--that if the rain had +continued a week longer, I should have become a misanthropist for life. +I made many inquiries from my landlady as to the society of the place, +but the answers I received only led to greater despondence. My +predecessor here, it seemed, had been an officer of a veteran battalion, +with a wife, and that amount of children which is algebraically expressed +by an X (meaning an unknown quantity). He, good man, in his two years' +sojourn here, had been much more solicitous about his own affairs, than +making acquaintance with his neighbours; and at last, the few persons who +had been in the habit of calling on "the officer," gave up the practice; +and as there were no young ladies to refresh Pa's memory on the matter, +they soon forgot completely that such a person existed--and to this happy +oblivion I, Harry Lorrequer, succeeded, and was thus left without benefit +of clergy to the tender mercies of Mrs. Healy of the Burton arms. + +As during the inundation which deluged the whole country around I was +unable to stir from the house, I enjoyed abundant opportunity of +cultivating the acquaintance of my hostess, and it is but fair that my +reader, who has journeyed so far with me, should have an introduction. + +Mrs. Healy, the sole proprietor of the "Burton Arms," was of some five +and fifty--"or by'r lady," three score years, of a rubicund and hale +complexion; and though her short neck and corpulent figure might have set +her down as "doubly hazardous," she looked a good life for many years to +come. In height and breadth she most nearly resembled a sugar-hogshead, +whose rolling, pitching motion, when trundled along on edge, she emulated +in her gait. To the ungainliness of her figure her mode of dressing not +a little contributed. She usually wore a thick linsey-wolsey gown, with +enormous pockets on either side, and, like Nora Creina's, it certainly +inflicted no undue restrictions upon her charms, but left + + "Every beauty free, + To sink or swell as heaven pleases." + +Her feet--ye gods! Such feet--were apparelled in listing slippers, over +which the upholstery of her ancles descended, and completely relieved the +mind of the spectator as to the superincumbent weight being +disproportioned to the support; I remember well my first impression on +seeing those feet and ancles reposing upon a straw footstool, while she +took her afternoon dose, and I wondered within myself if elephants were +liable to the gout. There are few countenances in the world, that if +wishing to convey an idea of, we cannot refer to some well-known +standard; and thus nothing is more common than to hear comparisons with +"Vulcan--Venus--Nicodemus," and the like; but in the present case, I am +totally at a loss for any thing resembling the face of the worth Mrs. +Healy, except it be, perhaps, that most ancient and sour visage we used +to see upon old circular iron rappers formerly--they make none of them +now--the only difference being, that Mrs. Healy's nose had no ring +through it; I am almost tempted to add, "more's the pity." + +Such was she in "the flesh;" would that I could say, she was more +fascinating in the "spirit!" but alas, truth, from which I never may +depart in these "my confessions," constrains me to acknowledge the +reverse. Most persons in this miserable world of ours, have some +prevailing, predominating characteristic, which usually gives the tone +and colour to all their thoughts and actions, forming what we denominate +temperament; this we see actuating them, now more, now less; but rarely, +however, is this great spring of action without its moments of repose. +Not so with her of whom I have been speaking. She had but one passion +--but, like Aaron's rod, it had a most consuming tendency--and that was to +scold, and abuse, all whom hard fate had brought within the unfortunate +limits of her tyranny. The English language, comprehensive as it is, +afforded not epithets strong enough for her wrath, and she sought among +the more classic beauties of her native Irish, such additional ones as +served her need, and with this holy alliance of tongues, she had been for +years long, the dread and terror of the entire village. + +"The dawning of morn, the day-light sinking," ay, and even the "night's +dull hours," it was said, too, found her labouring in her congenial +occupation; and while thus she continued to "scold and grow fat," her +inn, once a popular and frequented one, became gradually less and less +frequented, and the dragon of the Rhine-fells did not more effectually +lay waste the territory about him, than did the evil influence of her +tongue spread desolation and ruin around her. Her inn, at the time of my +visit, had not been troubled with even a passing traveller for many +months; and, indeed, if I had any, even the least foreknowledge of the +character of my hostess, its privacy should have still remained uninvaded +for some time longer. + +I had not been many hours installed, when I got a specimen of her powers; +and before the first week was over, so constant and unremitting were her +labours in this way, that I have upon the occasion of a slight lull in +the storm, occasioned by her falling asleep, actually left my room to +inquire if anything had gone wrong, in the same was as the miller is said +to awake, if the mill stops. I trust I have said enough, to move the +reader's pity and compassion for my situation--one more miserable it is +difficult to conceive. It may be though that much might be done by +management, and that a slight exercise of the favourite Whig plan of +concilliation, might avail. Nothing of the kind. She was proof against +all such arts; and what was still worse, there was no subject, no +possible circumstance, no matter, past, present, or to come, that she +could not wind by her diabolical ingenuity, into some cause of offence; +and then came the quick transition to instant punishment. Thus, my +apparently harmless inquiry as to the society of the neighbourhood, +suggested to her--a wish on my part to make acquaintance--therefore to +dine out--therefore not to dine at home--consequently to escape paying +half-a-crown and devouring a chicken--therefore to defraud her, and +behave, as she would herself observe, "like a beggarly scullion, with his +four shillings a day, setting up for a gentleman," &c. + +By a quiet and Job-like endurance of all manner of taunting suspicions, +and unmerited sarcasms, to which I daily became more reconciled, I +absolutely rose into something like favour; and before the first month of +my banishment expired, had got the length of an invitation to tea, in her +own snuggery--an honour never known to be bestowed on any before, with +the exception of Father Malachi Brennan, her ghostly adviser; and even +he, it is said, never ventured on such an approximation to intimacy, +until he was, in Kilrush phrase, "half screwed," thereby meaning more +than half tipsy. From time to time thus, I learned from my hostess such +particulars of the country and its inhabitants as I was desirous of +hearing; and among other matters, she gave me an account of the great +landed proprietor himself, Lord Callonby, who was daily expected at his +seat, within some miles of Kilrush, at the same time assuring me that I +need not be looking so "pleased and curling out my whiskers;" "that +they'd never take the trouble of asking even the name of me." This, +though neither very courteous, nor altogether flattering to listen to, +was no more than I had already learned from some brother officers who +knew this quarter, and who informed me that the Earl of Callonby, though +only visiting his Irish estates every three or four years, never took the +slightest notice of any of the military in his neighbourhood; nor, indeed +did he mix with the country gentry, confining himself to his own family, +or the guests, who usually accompanied him from England, and remained +during his few weeks' stay. My impression of his lordship was therefore +not calculated to cheer my solitude by any prospect of his rendering it +lighter. + +The Earl's family consisted of her ladyship, an only son, nearly of age, +and two daughters; the eldest, Lady Jane, had the reputation of being +extremely beautiful; and I remembered when she came out in London, only +the year before, hearing nothing but praises of the grace and elegance of +her manner, united to the most classic beauty of her face and figure. +The second daughter was some years younger, and said to be also very +handsome; but as yet she had not been brought into society. Of the son, +Lord Kilkee, I only heard that he had been a very gay fellow at Oxford, +where he was much liked, and although not particularly studious, had +given evidence of talent. + +Such were the few particulars I obtained of my neighbours, and thus +little did I know of those who were so soon to exercise a most important +influence upon my future life. + +After some weeks' close confinement, which, judging from my feelings +alone, I should have counted as many years, I eagerly seized the +opportunity of the first glimpse of sunshine to make a short excursion +along the coast; I started early in the morning, and after a long stroll +along the bold headlands of Kilkee, was returning late in the evening to +my lodgings. My path lay across a wild, bleak moor, dotted with low +clumps of furze, and not presenting on any side the least trace of +habitation. In wading through the tangled bushes, my dog "Mouche" +started a hare; and after a run "sharp, short, and decisive," killed it +at the bottom of a little glen some hundred yards off. + +I was just patting my dog, and examining the prize, when I heard a +crackling among the low bushes near me; and on looking up, perceived, +about twenty paces distant, a short, thick-set man, whose fustian jacket +and leathern gaiters at once pronounced him the gamekeeper; he stood +leaning upon his gun, quietly awaiting, as it seemed, for any movement on +my part, before he interfered. With one glance I detected how matters +stood, and immediately adopting my usual policy of "taking the bull by +the horns," called out, in a tone of very sufficient authority, + +"I say, my man, are you his lordship's gamekeeper?" + +Taking off his hat, the man approached me, and very respectfully informed +me that he was. + +"Well then," said I, "present this hare to his lordship with my respects; +here is my card, and say I shall be most happy to wait on him in the +morning, and explain the circumstance." + +The man took the card, and seemed for some moments undecided how to act; +he seemed to think that probably he might be ill-treating a friend of his +lordship's if he refused; and on the other hand might be merely +"jockeyed" by some bold-faced poacher. Meanwhile I whistled my dog close +up, and humming an air, with great appearance of indifference, stepped +out homeward. By this piece of presence of mind I saved poor "Mouche;" +for I saw at a glance, that, with true gamekeeper's law, he had been +destined to death the moment he had committed the offence. + +The following morning, as I sat at breakfast, meditating upon the events +of the preceding day, and not exactly determined how to act, whether to +write to his lordship explaining how the matter occurred, or call +personally, a loud rattling on the pavement drew me to the window. As +the house stood at the end of a street, I could not see in the direction +the noise came; but as I listened, a very handsome tandem turned the +corner of the narrow street, and came along towards the hotel at a long, +sling trot; the horses were dark chestnuts, well matched, and shewing a +deal of blood. The carriage was a dark drab, with black wheels; the +harness all of the same colour. The whole turn-out--and I was an amateur +of that sort of thing--was perfect; the driver, for I come to him last, +as he was the last I looked at, was a fashionable looking young fellow, +plainly, but knowingly, dressed, and evidently handling the "ribbon," +like an experienced whip. + +After bringing his nags up to the inn door in very pretty style, he gave +the reins to his servant, and got down. Before I was well aware of it, +the door of my room opened, and the gentleman entered with a certain easy +air of good breeding, and saying, + +"Mr. Lorrequer, I presume--" introduced himself as Lord Kilkee. + +I immediately opened the conversation by an apology for my dog's +misconduct on the day before, and assured his lordship that I knew the +value of a hare in a hunting country, and was really sorry for the +circumstance. + +"Then I must say," replied his lordship, "Mr. Lorrequer is the only +person who regrets the matter; for had it not been for this, it is more +than probable we should never have known we were so near neighbours; in +fact, nothing could equal our amazement at hearing you were playing the +'Solitaire' down here. You must have found it dreadfully heavy, 'and have +thought us downright savages.' But then I must explain to you, that my +father has made some 'rule absolute' about visiting when down here. And +though I know you'll not consider it a compliment, yet I can assure you +there is not another man I know of he would pay attention to, but +yourself. He made two efforts to get here this morning, but the gout +'would not be denied,' and so he deputed a most inferior 'diplomate;' and +now will you let me return with some character from my first mission, and +inform my friends that you will dine with us to-day at seven--a mere +family party; but make your arrangements to stop all night and to-morrow: +we shall find some work for my friend there on the hearth; what do you +call him, Mr. Lorrequer?" + +"'Mouche'--come here, 'Mouche.'" + +"Ah 'Mouche,' come here, my fine fellow--a splendid dog, indeed; very +tall for a thorough-bred; and now you'll not forget, seven, 'temps +militaire,' and so, sans adieu." + +And with these words his lordship shook me heartily by the hand; and +before two minutes had elapsed, had wrapped his box-coat once more across +him, and was round the corner. + +I looked for a few moments on the again silent street, and was almost +tempted to believe I was in a dream, so rapidly had the preceding moments +passed over; and so surprised was I to find that the proud Earl of +Callonby, who never did the "civil thing" any where, should think proper +to pay attention to a poor sub in a marching regiment, whose only claim +on his acquaintance was the suspicion of poaching on his manor. I +repeated over and over all his lordship's most polite speeches, trying to +solve the mystery of them; but in vain: a thousand explanations occurred, +but none of them I felt at all satisfactory; that there was some mystery +somewhere, I had no doubt; for I remarked all through that Lord Kilkee +laid some stress upon my identity, and even seemed surprised at my being +is such banishment. "Oh," thought I at last, "his lordship is about to +get up private theatricals, and has seen my Captain Absolute, or perhaps +my Hamlet"--I could not say "Othello" even to myself--"and is anxious to +get 'such unrivalled talent' even 'for one night only.'" + +After many guesses this seemed the nearest I could think of; and by the +time I had finished my dressing for dinner, it was quite clear to me I +had solved all the secret of his lordship's attentions. + +The road to "Callonby" was beautiful beyond any thing I had ever seen in +Ireland. For upwards of two miles it led along the margin of the lofty +cliffs of Moher, now jutting out into bold promontories, and again +retreating, and forming small bays and mimic harbours, into which the +heavy swell of the broad Atlantic was rolling its deep blue tide. The +evening was perfectly calm, and at a little distance from the shore the +surface of the sea was without a ripple. The only sound breaking the +solemn stillness of the hour, was the heavy plash of the waves, as in +minute peals they rolled in upon the pebbly beach, and brought back with +them at each retreat, some of the larger and smoother stones, whose +noise, as they fell back into old ocean's bed, mingled with the din of +the breaking surf. In one of the many little bays I passed, lay three or +four fishing smacks. The sails were drying, and flapped lazily against +the mast. I could see the figures of the men as they passed backwards and +forwards upon the decks, and although the height was nearly eight hundred +feet, could hear their voices quite distinctly. Upon the golden strand, +which was still marked with a deeper tint, where the tide had washed, +stood a little white cottage of some fisherman--at least, so the net +before the door bespoke it. Around it, stood some children, whose merry +voices and laughing tones sometimes reached me where I was standing. I +could not but think, as I looked down from my lofty eyrie, upon that +little group of boats, and that lone hut, how much of the "world" to the +humble dweller beneath, lay in that secluded and narrow bay. There, the +deep sea, where their days were passed in "storm or sunshine,"--there, +the humble home, where at night they rested, and around whose hearth lay +all their cares and all their joys. How far, how very far removed from +the busy haunts of men, and all the struggles and contentions of the +ambitious world; and yet, how short-sighted to suppose that even they had +not their griefs and sorrows, and that their humble lot was devoid of the +inheritance of those woes, which all are heirs to. + +I turned reluctantly, from the sea-shore to enter the gate of the park, +and my path in a few moments was as completely screened from all prospect +of the sea, as though it had lain miles inland. An avenue of tall and +ancient lime trees, so dense in their shadows as nearly to conceal the +road beneath, led for above a mile through a beautiful lawn, whose +surface, gently undulating, and studded with young clumps, was dotted +over with sheep. At length, descending by a very steep road, I reached a +beautiful little stream, over which a rustic bridge was thrown. As I +looked down upon the rippling stream beneath, on the surface of which the +dusky evening flies were dipping, I made a resolve, if I prospered in his +lordship's good graces, to devote a day to the "angle" there, before I +left the country. It was now growing late, and remember Lord Kilkee's +intimation of "sharp seven," I threw my reins over my cob, "Sir Roger's" +neck, (for I had hitherto been walking,) and cantered up the steep hill +before me. When I reached the top, I found myself upon a broad table +land, encircled by old and well-grown timber, and at a distance, most +tastefully half concealed by ornamental planting, I could catch some +glimpse of Callonby. Before, however, I had time to look about me, I +heard the tramp of horses' feet behind, and in another moment two ladies +dashed up the steep behind, and came towards me, at a smart gallop, +followed by a groom, who, neither himself nor his horse, seemed to relish +the pace of his fair mistresses. I moved off the road into the grass to +permit them to pass; but no sooner had they got abreast of me, than Sir +Roger, anxious for a fair start, flung up both heels at once, pricked up +his ears, and with a plunge that very nearly threw me from the saddle, +set off at top speed. My first thought was for the ladies beside me, +and, to my utter horror, I now saw them coming along in full gallop; their +horses had got off the road, and were, to my thinking, become quite +unmanageable. I endeavoured to pull up, but all in vain. Sir Roger had +got the bit between his teeth, a favourite trick of his, and I was +perfectly powerless to hold him by this time, they being mounted on +thoroughbreds, got a full neck before me, and the pace was now +tremendous, on we all came, each horse at his utmost stretch; they were +evidently gaining from the better stride of their cattle, and will it be +believed, or shall I venture to acknowledge it in these my confessions, +that I, who a moment before, would have given my best chance of +promotion, to be able to pull in my horse, would now have "pledged my +dukedom" to be able to give Sir Roger one cut of the whip unobserved. I +leave it to the wise to decipher the rationale, but such is the fact. It +was complete steeple-chasing, and my blood was up. + +On we came, and I now perceived that about two hundred yards before me +stood an iron gate and piers, without any hedge or wall on either side; +before I could conjecture the meaning of so strange a thing in the midst +of a large lawn, I saw the foremost horse, now two or three lengths +before the other, still in advance of me, take two or three short +strides, and fly about eight feet over a sunk fence--the second followed +in the same style, the riders sitting as steadily as in the gallop. It +was now my turn, and I confess, as I neared the dyke, I heartily wished +myself well over it, for the very possibility of a "mistake" was +maddening. Sir Roger came on at a slapping pace, and when within two +yards of the brink, rose to it, and cleared it like a deer. By the time +I had accomplished this feat, not the less to my satisfaction, that both +ladies had turned in the saddles to watch me, they were already far in +advance; they held on still at the same pace, round a small copse which +concealed them an instant from my view, and which, when I passed, I +perceived that they had just reached the hall door, and were dismounting. + +On the steps stood a tall, elderly-looking, gentleman-like person, who I +rightly conjectured was his lordship. I heard him laughing heartily as I +came up. I at last succeeded in getting Sir Roger to a canter, and when +about twenty yards from where the group were standing, sprung off, and +hastened up to make my apologies as I best might, for my unfortunate +runaway. I was fortunately spared this awkwardness of an explanation, +for his lordship, approaching me with his hand extended, said-- + +"Mr. Lorrequer is most welcome at Callonby. I cannot be mistaken, I am +sure--I have the pleasure of addressing the nephew of my old friend, Sir +Guy Lorrequer of Elton. I am indeed most happy to see you, and not the +less so, that you are safe and sound, which, five minutes since, I assure +you I had my fears for--" + +Before I could assure his lordship that my fears were all for my +competitors in the race--for such in reality they were--he introduced me +to the two ladies, who were still standing beside him--"Lady Jane +Callonby; Mr. Lorrequer; Lady Catherine." + +"Which of you, young ladies, may I ask, planned this escapade, for I see +by your looks, it was no accident?" + +"I think, papa," said Lady Jane, "you must question Mr. Lorrequer on that +head; he certainly started first." + +"I confess, indeed," said I, "such was the case." + +"Well, you must confess, too, you were distanced," said Lady Jane, at the +same time, most terribly provoked, to be quizzed on such a matter; that +I, a steeple-chase horseman of the first water, should be twitted by a +couple of young ladies, on the score of a most manly exercise. "But +come," said his lordship, "the first bell has rung long since, and I am +longing to ask Mr. Lorrequer all about my old college friend of forty +years ago. So, ladies, hasten your toilet, I beseech you." + +With these words, his lordship, taking my arm, led me into the +drawing-room, where we had not been many minutes till we were joined +by her ladyship, a tall stately handsome woman, of a certain age; +resolutely bent upon being both young and beautiful, in spite of time +and wrinkles; her reception of me, though not possessing the frankness +of his lordship, was still very polite, and intended to be even +gracious. I now found by the reiterated inquiries for my old uncle, Sir +Guy, that he it was, and not Hamlet, to whom I owed my present notice, +and I must include it among my confessions, that it was about the first +advantage I ever derived from the relationship. After half an hour's +agreeable chatting, the ladies entered, and then I had time to remark +the extreme beauty of their appearance; they were both wonderfully like, +and except that Lady Jane was taller and more womanly, it would have +been almost impossible to discriminate between them. + +Lady Jane Callonby was then about twenty years of age, rather above the +middle size, and slightly disposed towards embonpoint; her eye was of the +deepest and most liquid blue, and rendered apparently darker, by long +lashes of the blackest jet--for such was the colour of her hair; her nose +slightly, but slightly, deviated from the straightness of the Greek, and +her upper lip was faultless, as were her mouth and chin; the whole lower +part of the face, from the perfect "chiselling," and from the character +of her head, had certainly a great air of hauteur, but the extreme +melting softness of her eyes took from this, and when she spoke, there +was a quiet earnestness in her mild and musical voice, that disarmed you +at once of connecting the idea of self with the speaker; the word +"fascinating," more than any other I know of, conveys the effect of her +appearance, and to produce it, she had more than any other woman I ever +met, that wonderful gift, the "l'art de plaire." + +I was roused from my perhaps too earnest, because unconscious gaze, at +the lovely figure before me, by his Lordship saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, her +Ladyship is waiting for you." I accordingly bowed, and, offering my arm, +led her into the dinner-room. And here I draw rein for the present, +reserving for my next chapter--My Adventure at Callonby. + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +LIFE AT CALLONBY--LOVE-MAKING--MISS O'DOWD'S ADVENTURE. + +My first evening at Callonby passed off as nearly all first evenings do +every where. His lordship was most agreeable, talked much of my uncle, +Sir Guy, whose fag he had been at Eton half a century before, promised me +some capital shooting in his preserves, discussed the state of politics; +and, as the second decanter of port "waned apace," grew wondrous +confidential, and told me of his intention to start his son for the +county at the next general election, such being the object which had +now conferred the honour of his presence on his Irish estates. + +Her ladyship was most condescendingly civil, vouchsafed much tender +commiseration for my "exile," as she termed my quarters in Kilrush; +wondered how I could possibly exist in a marching regiment, (who had +never been in the cavalry in my life!) Spoke quite feelingly on my +kindness in joining their stupid family party, for they were living, to +use her own phrase, "like hermits;" and wound up all by a playful +assurance that as she perceived, from all my answers, that I was bent on +preserving a strict incognito, she would tell no tales about me on her +return to "Town." Now, it may readily be believed, that all this, and +many more of her ladyship's allusions, were a "Chaldee manuscript" to me; +that she knew certain facts of my family and relations, was certain; but +that she had interwoven in the humble web of my history, a very pretty +embroidery of fiction was equally so; and while she thus ran on, with +innumerable allusions to Lady Marys and Lord Johns, who she pretended to +suppose were dying to hear from me, I could not help muttering to myself +with good Christopher Sly, "And all this be true--then Lord be thanked +for my good amends;" for up to that moment I was an ungrateful man for +all this high and noble solicitude. One dark doubt shot for an instant +across my brain. Maybe her ladyship had "registered a vow" never to +syllable a name unchronicled by Debrett, or was actually only mystifying +me for mere amusement. A minute's consideration dispelled this fear; +for I found myself treated "en Seigneur" by the whole family. As for +the daughters of the house, nothing could possibly be more engaging than +their manner. The eldest, Lady Jane, was pleased from my near +relationship to her father's oldest friend to receive me, "from the +first," on the most friendly footing; while, with the younger, Lady +Catherine, from her being less 'maniere' than her sister, my progress was +even greater; and thus, before we separated for the night, I contrived to +"take up my position" in such a fashion, as to be already looked upon as +one of the family party, to which object, Lord and indeed Lady Callonby +seemed most willing to contribute, and made me promise to spend the +entire of the following day at Callonby, and as many of the succeeding +ones as my military duties would permit. + +As his lordship was wishing me "good night" at the door of the +drawing-room, he said, in a half whisper, + +"We were ignorant yesterday, Mr. Lorrequer, how soon we should have had +the pleasure of seeing you here; and you are therefore condemned to a +small room off the library, it being the only one we can insure you as +being well aired. I must therefore apprize you that you are not to be +shocked at finding yourself surrounded by every member of my family, +hung up in frames around you. But as the room is usually my own +snuggery, I have resigned it without any alteration whatever." + +The apartment for which his lordship had so strongly apologized, stood in +very pleasing contrast to my late one in Kilrush. The soft Persian +carpet, on which one's feet sank to the very ankles; the brightly +polished dogs, upon which a blazing wood fire burned; the well +upholstered fauteuils which seemed to invite sleep without the trouble of +lying down for it; and last of all, the ample and luxurious bed, upon +whose rich purple hangings the ruddy glare of the fire threw a most +mellow light, was all a pleasing exchange for the "garniture" of the +"Hotel Healy." + +"Certes, Harry Lorrequer," said I, as I threw myself upon a small ottoman +before the fire in all the slippered ease, and abandon of a man who has +changed a dress-coat for a morning-gown; "Certes, thou art destined for +great things; even here, where fate had seemed 'to do its worst' to thee, +a little paradise opens, and what, to ordinary mortals had proved but a +'flat, stale, and most unprofitable' quarter, presents to thee all the +accumulated delight of a hospitable mansion, a kind, almost friendly, +host, a condescending Madame Mere, and daughters too! Ah ye Gods! But +what is this;" and here, for the first time, lifting up my eyes, I +perceived a beautiful water-colour drawing in the style of "Chalon," +which was placed above the chimney-piece. I rose at once, and taking a +candle, proceeded to examine it more minutely. It was a portrait of Lady +Jane, a full-length too, and wonderfully like; there was more complexion, +and perhaps more roundness in the figure than her present appearance +would justify; but if any thing was gained in brilliancy, it was +certainly lost in point of expression; and I infinitely preferred her +pale, but beautifully fair countenance, to the rosy cheek of the picture; +the figure was faultless; the same easy grace, the result of perfect +symmetry and refinement together, which only one in a thousand of even +handsome girls possess, was pourtrayed to the life. The more I looked, +the more I felt charmed with it. Never had I seen any thing so truly +characteristic as this sketch, for it was scarcely more. It was after +nearly an hour's quiet contemplation, that I began to remember the +lateness of the night; an hour, in which my thoughts had rambled from the +lovely object before me, to wonder at the situation in which I found +myself placed; for there was so much of "empressement" towards me, in the +manner of every member of the family, coupled with certain mistakes as to +my habits and acquaintances, as left me perfectly unable to unravel the +mystery which so evidently surrounded me. "Perhaps," thought I, "Sir Guy +has written in my behalf to his lordship. Oh, he would never do any +thing half so civil. Well, to be sure, I shall astonish them at head +quarters; they'll not believe this. I wonder if Lady Jane saw my +'Hamlet;' for they landed in Cork from Bristol about that time. She is +indeed a most beautiful girl. I wish I were a marquis, if it were only +for her sake. Well, my Lord Callonby, you may be a very wise man in the +House of Lords; but, I would just ask, is it exactly prudent to introduce +into your family on terms of such perfect intimacy, a young, fascinating, +well-looking fellow, of four-and-twenty, albeit only a subaltern, with +two such daughters as you have? Peut etre! One thing is certain--I have +no cause of complaint; and so, good night, Lady Jane"--and with those +words I fell asleep, to dream of the deepest blue eyes, and the most +melting tones that ever reduced a poor lieutenant in a marching regiment +to curse his fate, that he could not call the Commander of the Forces his +father. + +When I descended to the breakfast-room, I found the whole family +assembled in a group around Lord Kilkee, who had just returned from a +distant part of the county, where he had been canvassing the electors, +and spouting patriotism the day before. He was giving an account of his +progress with much spirit and humour as I entered, but, on seeing me, +immediately came forward, and shook hands with me like an old +acquaintance. By Lord Callonby and the ladies I was welcomed also +with much courtesy and kindness, and some slight badinage passed upon my +sleeping, in what Lord Kilkee called the "Picture Gallery," which, for +all I knew to the contrary, contained but one fair portrait. I am not a +believer in Mesmer; but certainly there must have been some influence at +work--very like what we hear of "magnetism"--for before the breakfast was +concluded, there seemed at once to spring up a perfect understanding +between this family and myself, which made me feel as much 'chez moi', +as I had ever done in my life; and from that hour I may date an intimacy +which every succeeding day but served to increase. + +After breakfast Lord Callonby consigned me to the guidance of his son, +and we sallied forth to deal destruction amongst the pheasants, with +which the preserves were stocked; and here I may observe, 'en passant', +that with the single exception of fox-hunting, which was ever a passion +with me, I never could understand that inveterate pursuit of game to +which some men devote themselves--thus, grouse-shooting, and its +attendant pleasures, of stumping over a boggy mountain from day-light +till dark, never had much attraction for me; and, as to the delights of +widgeon and wild-duck shooting, when purchased by sitting up all night in +a barrel, with your eye to the bung, I'll none of it--no, no! Give me +shooting or angling merely as a divertimento, a pleasant interlude +between breakfast and luncheon-time, when, consigning your Manton to a +corner, and the game keeper "to the dogs," you once more humanize your +costume to take a canter with the daughters of the house; or, if the day +look loweringly, a match of billiards with the men. + +I have ever found that the happiest portions of existence are the most +difficult to chronicle. We may--nay, we must, impart our miseries and +annoyances to our many "dear friends," whose forte is sympathy or +consolation--and all men are eloquent on the subject of their woes; not +so with their joys: some have a miser-like pleasure in hoarding them up +for their own private gratification; others--and they are prudent--feel +that the narrative is scarcely agreeable even to their best friends; and +a few, of whom I confess myself one, are content to be happy without +knowing why, and to have pleasant souvenirs, without being able to +explain them. + +Such must be my apology for not more minutely entering upon an account of +my life at Callonby. A fortnight had now seen me 'enfonce', the daily +companion of two beautiful girls in all their walks and rides, through a +romantic, unfrequented country, seeing but little of the other members of +the family; the gentlemen being entirely occupied by their election +tactics, and Lady Callonby being a late riser, seldom appeared before the +dinner hour. There was not a cliff upon the bold and rocky coast we did +not climb, not a cave upon the pebbly beach unvisited; sometimes my fair +companions would bring a volume of Metastasio down to the little river +where I used to angle; and the "gentle craft" was often abandoned for the +heart-thrilling verses of that delightful poet. Yes, many years have +passed over, and these scenes are still as fresh in my memory as though +they had been of yesterday. In my memory, I say, as for thee + + "Qui sa si te + Ti sovrerai di me." + +At the end of three weeks the house became full of company, from the +garret to the cellar. Country gentlemen and their wives and daughters +came pouring in, on every species of conveyance known since the flood; +family coaches, which, but for their yellow panels, might have been +mistaken for hearses, and high barouches, the "entree" to which was +accomplished by a step-ladder, followed each other in what appeared a +never-ending succession; and here I may note an instance of the anomalous +character of the conveyances, from an incident to which I was a witness +at the time. + +Among the visitors on the second day came a maiden lady from the +neighbourhood of Ennistimon, Miss Elizabeth O'Dowd, the last of a very +old and highly respectable family in the county, and whose extensive +property, thickly studded with freeholders, was a strong reason for her +being paid every attention in Lord Callonby's power to bestow; Miss Betty +O'Dowd--for so she was generally styled--was the very personification of +an old maid; stiff as a ramrod, and so rigid in observance of the +proprieties of female conduct, that in the estimation of the Clare +gentry, Diana was a hoyden compared to her. + +Miss Betty lived, as I have said, near Ennistimon, and the road from +thence to Callonby at the time I speak of--it was before Mr. Nimmo--was a +like the bed of a mountain torrent as a respectable highway; there were +holes that would have made a grave for any maiden lady within fifty +miles; and rocks thickly scattered, enough to prove fatal to the +strongest wheels that ever issued from "Hutton's." Miss O'Dowd knew this +well; she had upon one occasion been upset in travelling it--and a +slate-coloured silk dress bore the dye of every species of mud and mire +to be found there, for many a year after, to remind her of her +misfortune, and keep open the wound of her sorrow. When, therefore, the +invitation to Callonby arrived, a grave council of war was summoned, to +deliberate upon the mode of transit, for the honour could not be +declined, "coute qui coute." The chariot was out of the question; +Nicholas declared it would never reach the "Moraan Beg," as the first +precipice was called; the inside car was long since pronounced unfit for +hazardous enterprise; and the only resource left, was what is called in +Hibernian parlance, a "low-backed car," that is, a car without any back +whatever; it being neither more nor less than the common agricultural +conveyance of the country, upon which, a feather bed being laid, the +farmers' wives and daughters are generally conveyed to fairs, wakes, and +stations, &c. Putting her dignity, if not in her pocket, at least +wherever it could be most easily accommodated, Miss O'Dowd placed her +fair self, in all the plenitude of her charms and the grandeur of a +"bran new green silk," a "little off the grass, and on the bottle," +(I love to be particular,) upon this humble voiture, and set out on her +way, if not "rejoicing," at least consoled by Nicholas, that "It 'id be +black dark when they reached the house, and the devil a one 'id be the +wiser than if she came in a coach and four." Nicholas was right; it was +perfectly dark on their arrival at Callonby, and Miss O'Dowd having +dismounted, and shook her plumage, a little crumpled by her +half-recumbent position for eight miles, appeared in the drawing-room, +to receive the most courteous attentions from Lady Callonby, and from +his lordship the most flattering speeches for her kindness in risking +herself and bringing her horses on such a dreadful road, and assured her +of his getting a presentment the very next assizes to repair it; "For we +intend, Miss O'Dowd," said he, "to be most troublesome neighbours to you +in future." + +The evening passed off most happily. Miss O'Dowd was delighted with her +hosts, whose character she resolved to maintain in spite of their +reputation for pride and haughtiness. Lady Jane sang an Irish melody for +her, Lady Callonby gave her slips of a rose geranium she got from the +Princess Augusta, and Lord Kilkee won her heart by the performance of +that most graceful step 'yclept "cover the buckle" in an Irish jig. But, +alas! how short-lived is human bliss, for while this estimable lady +revelled in the full enjoyment of the hour, the sword of Damocles hung +suspended above her head; in plain English, she had, on arriving at +Callonby, to prevent any unnecessary scrutiny into the nature of her +conveyance, ordered Nicholas to be at the door punctually at eleven; and +then to take an opportunity of quietly slipping open the drawing-room +door, and giving her an intimation of it, that she might take her leave +at once. Nicholas was up to time, and having disposed the conveyance +under the shadow of the porch, made his way to the door of the +drawing-room unseen and unobserved. He opened it gently and +noiselessly, merely sufficient to take a survey of the apartment, in +which, from the glare of the lights, and the busy hum of voices, he was +so bewildered that it was some minutes before he recognized his +mistress. At last he perceived her; she was seated at a card-table, +playing whist with Lord Callonby for her partner. Who the other players +were, he knew not. A proud man was Nicholas, as he saw his mistress +thus placed, actually sitting, as he afterwards expressed it, "forenint +the Lord," but his thoughts were bent on other matters, and it was no +time to indulge his vauntings. + +He strove for some time patiently, to catch her eye, for she was so +situated as to permit of this, but without success. He then made a +slight attempt to attract her attention by beckoning with his finger; all +in vain. "Oh murther," said he, "what is this for? I'll have to spake +afther all." + +"Four by honours," said his lordship, "and the odd trick. Another +double, I believe, Miss O'Dowd." + +Miss O'Dowd nodded a graceful assent, while a sharp-looking old dowager +at the side of the table called out, "a rubber of four on, my Lord;" and +now began an explanation from the whole party at once. Nicholas saw this +was his time, and thought that in the melee, his hint might reach his +mistress unobserved by the remainder of the company. He accordingly +protruded his head into the room, and placing his finger upon the side of +his nose, and shutting one eye knowingly, with an air of great secrecy, +whispered out, "Miss Betty--Miss Betty, alanah!" For some minutes the +hum of the voices drowned his admonitions--but as, by degrees waxing +warmer in the cause, he called out more loudly,--every eye was turned to +the spot from whence these extraordinary sounds proceeded; and certainly +the appearance of Nicholas at the moment was well calculated to astonish +the "elegans" of a drawing room. With his one eye fixed eagerly in the +direction of his mistress, his red scratch wig pushed back off his +forehead, in the eagerness of his endeavour to be heard, there he stood, +perfectly unmindful of all around, save Miss O'Dowd herself. It may well +be believed, that such an apparition could not be witnessed with gravity, +and, accordingly a general titter ran through the room, the whist party +still contending about odd tricks and honours, being the only persons +insensible to the mirth around them--"Miss Betty, arrah, Miss Betty," +said Nicholas with a sigh that converted the subdued laughter of the +guests into a perfect burst of mirth. + +"Eh," said his lordship, turning round; "what is this? We are losing +something excellent, I fear." + +At this moment, he caught a glimpse of Nicholas, and, throwing himself +back in this chair, laughed immoderately. It was now Miss Betty's turn; +she was about to rise from the table, when the well-known accents of +Nicholas fell upon her ear. She fell back in her seat--there he was: the +messenger of the foul fiend himself would have been more welcome at that +moment. Her blood rushed to her face and temples; her hands tingled; she +closed her eyes, and when she opened them, there stood the accursed +Nicholas glowering at her still. + +"Man--man!" said she at length; "what do you mean, what do you want +here?" + +Poor Nicholas, little guessing that the question was intended to throw a +doubt upon her acquaintance with him, and conceiving that the hour for +the announcement had come, hesitated for an instant how he should +designate the conveyance. He could not call it a coach! It certainly +was not a buggy--neither was it a jaunting car--what should he say--he +looked earnestly, and even imploringly at his mistress, as if to convey +some sense of his difficulty, and then, as it were, catching a sudden +inspiration, winked once more--as he said:-- + +"Miss Betty--the--the--the--," and here he looked indescribably droll; +"the thing, you know, is at the door." + +All his Lordship's politeness was too little for the occasion, and Miss +O'Dowd's tenantry were lost to the Callonby interest for ever. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +BOTANICAL STUDIES--THE NATURAL SYSTEM PREFERABLE TO THE LINNEAN. + +"The carriage is at the door, my lord," said a servant, entering the +luncheon-room where we were all assembled. + +"Now then, Mr. Lorrequer," said Lord Callonby, "allons, take another +glass of wine, and let us away. I expect you to make a most brilliant +speech, remember!" + +His lordship here alluded to our intention of visiting a remote barony, +where a meeting of the freeholders was that day to be held, and at which +I was pledged for a "neat and appropriate" oration in abuse of the corn +laws and the holy alliance. + +"I beg pardon, my lord," said her ladyship in a most languishing tone; +"but Mr. Lorrequer is pre-engaged; he has for the last week been +promising and deterring his visit to the new conservatory with me; where +he is to find out four or five of the Swiss shrubs that Collins cannot +make out--and which I am dying to know all about." + +"Mr. Lorrequer is a false man then," said Lady Catherine, "for he said at +breakfast, that we should devote this afternoon to the chalk caves--as +the tide will be so far out, we can see them all perfectly." + +"And I," said Lord Kilkee, "must put in my plea, that the aforesaid Mr. +Lorrequer is booked for a coursing match--'Mouche versus Jessie.'--Guilty +or not guilty?" + +Lady Jane alone of all said not a word. + +"Guilty on every count of the indictment," said I; "I throw myself on the +mercy of the court." + +"Let his sentence then be banishment," said Lady Catherine with affected +anger, "and let him go with papa." + +"I rather think," said Lord Kilkee, "the better plan is to let him visit +the conservatory, for I'd wager a fifty he finds it more difficult to +invent botany, than canvass freeholders; eh?" + +"I am sure," said Lady Jane, for the first time breaking silence, "that +mamma is infinitely flattered by the proposal that Mr. Lorrequer's +company is to be conferred upon her for his sins." + +"I am not to be affronted, nor quizzed out of my chaperon; here, Mr. +Lorrequer," said Lady Callonby rising, "get Smith's book there, and let +me have your arm; and now, young ladies, come along, and learn something, +if you can." + +"An admirable proviso," said Lord Kilkee, laughing; "if his botany be +only as authentic as the autographs he gave Mrs. MacDermot, and all of +which he wrote himself, in my dressing-room, in half an hour. Napoleon +was the only difficult one in the number." + +Most fortunately this unfair disclosure did not reach her ladyship's +ears, as she was busily engaged putting on her bonnet, and I was yet +unassailed in reputation to her. + +"Good bye, then," said Lord Callonby; "we meet at seven;" and in a few +moments the little party were scattered to their several destinations. + +"How very hot you have this place, Collins," said Lady Callonby as we +entered the conservatory. + +"Only seventy-five, my lady, and the Magnolias require heat." + +I here dropped a little behind, as if to examine a plant, and in a +half-whisper said to Lady Jane-- + +"How came it that you alone, Lady Jane, should forget I had made another +appointment? I thought you wished to make a sketch of Craigmoran Abbey +--did you forget that we were to ride there to-day?" + +Before she could reply, Lady Callonby called out--"Oh, here it is, Mr. +Lorrequer. Is this a heath? that is the question." + +Here her ladyship pointed to a little scrubby thing, that looked very +like a birch rod. I proceeded to examine it most minutely, while Collins +waited with all the intense anxiety of a man whose character depended on +the sentence. + +"Collins will have it a jungermania," said she. + +"And Collins is right," said I, not trusting myself with the +pronunciation of the awful word her ladyship uttered. + +Collins looked ridiculously happy. + +"Now that is so delightful," said Lady Callonby, as she stopped to look +for another puzzle. + +"What a wretch it is," said Lady Catherine, covering her face with a +handkerchief. + +"What a beautiful little flower," said Lady Jane, lifting up the bell of +a "lobelia splendens." + +"You know, of course," said I, "what they call that flower in France +--L'amour tendre." + +"Indeed!" + +"True, I assure you; may I present you with this sprig of it," cutting +off a small twig, and presenting it at the same instant unseen by the +others. + +She hesitated for an instant, and then extending her fair and taper hand +took it. I dared not look at her as she did so, but a proud swelling +triumph at my heart nearly choked me. + +"Now Collins," said Lady Callonby, "I cannot find the Alpen tree I +brought home from the Grundenwald." + +Collins hurried forward to her ladyship's side. + +Lady Catherine was also called to assist in the search. + +I was alone with Lady Jane. + +"Now or never," thought I; I hesitated--I stammered--my voice faltered. +She saw my agitation; she participated in, and increased it. At last I +summoned up courage to touch her hand; she gently withdrew it--but so +gently, it was not a repulse. + +"If Lady Jane," said I at length, "if the devoted--" + +"Holloa, there," said a deep voice without; "is Mr. Lorrequer there?" + +It was Lord Kilkee, returned from his coursing match. None but he who +has felt such an interruption, can feel for me. I shame to say that his +brotherhood to her, for whom I would have perilled my life, restrained me +not from something very like a hearty commendation of him to the powers +that burn-- + +"Down, dogs, there--down," continued he, and in a moment after entered +the conservatory flushed and heated with the chace. + +"Mouche is the winner--two to one--and so, Master Shallow, I owe you a +thousand pounds." + +Would to heaven that I had lost the wager, had it only taken a little +longer to decide it! I of course appeared overjoyed at my dog's success, +and listened with great pretence of interest to the narrative of the +"run;" the more so, because that though perhaps more my friend than the +older members of the family, Lord Kilkee evidently liked less than them, +my growing intimacy with his sister; and I was anxious to blind him on +the present occasion, when, but for his recent excitement, very little +penetration would have enabled him to detect that something unusual had +taken place. + +It was now so nearly dark, that her ladyship's further search for the +alpine treasure became impossible, and so we turned our steps towards the +garden, where we continued to walk till joined by Lord Callonby. And now +began a most active discussion upon agriculture, rents, tithes, and +toryism, in which the ladies took but little part; and I had the +mortification to perceive that Lady Jane was excessively 'ennuyee', and +seized the first opportunity to leave the party and return to the house; +while her sister gave me from time to time certain knowing glances, as if +intimating that my knowledge of farming and political economy was pretty +much on a par with my proficiency in botany. + +One has discovered me at least, thought I; but the bell had rung to dress +for dinner, and I hastened to my room to think over future plans, and +once more wonder at the singular position into which fate and the "rules +of the service" had thrown me. + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +PUZZLED--EXPLANATION--MAKES BAD WORSE--THE DEED + +"Any letters?" said her ladyship to a servant, as she crossed the hall. + +"Only one, my lady--for Mr. Lorrequer, I believe." + +"For me!" thought I; "how is this?" My letters had been hitherto always +left in Kilrush. Why was this forwarded here? I hurried to the +drawing-room, where I found a double letter awaiting me. The writing was +Curzon's and contained the words "to be forwarded with haste" on the +direction. I opened and read as follows:-- + +"Dear Lorrequer,--Have you any recollection, among your numerous +'escapades' at Cork, of having grievously insulted a certain Mr. Giles +Beamish, in thought, word, or deed? If you have, I say, let me know with +all convenient despatch, whether the offence be one admitting of apology +--for if not, the Lord have mercy on your soul--a more wrothy gentleman +than the aforesaid, it having rarely been my evil fortune to foregather +with. He called here yesterday to inquire your address, and at my +suggestion wrote a note, which I now enclose. I write in great haste, +and am ever yours faithfully, C. Curzon. + +"N.B.--I have not seen his note, so explain all and every thing." + +The inclosed letter ran thus: + +"Sir,--It can scarcely have escaped your memory, though now nearly two +months since, that at the Mayor's 'dejeune' in Cork, you were pleased to +make merry at my expense, and expose me and my family for your amusement. +This is to demand an immediate apology, or that satisfaction which, as an +officer, you will not refuse your most obedient servant, Giles Beamish, +Swinburne's Hotel." + +"Giles Beamish! Giles Beamish!" said I, repeating the name in every +variety of emphasis, hoping to obtain some clue to the writer. Had I +been appointed the umpire between Dr. Wall and his reviewers, in the late +controversy about "phonetic signs," I could not have been more completely +puzzled than by the contents of this note. "Make merry at his expense!" +a great offence truly--I suppose I have laughed at better men than ever +he was; and I can only say of such innocent amusement, as Falstaff did of +sack and sugar, if such be a sin, "then heaven help the wicked." But I +wish I knew who he is, or what he alludes to, provided he is not mad, +which I begin to think not improbable. "By the bye, my Lord, do you know +any such person in the south as a Mr. Beamish--Giles Beamish?" + +"To be sure," said Lord Callonby, looking up from his newspaper, "there +are several of the name of the highest respectability. One is an +alderman of Cork--a very rich man, too--but I don't remember his +Christian name." + +"An alderman, did you say?" + +"Yes. Alderman Beamish is very well known. I have seen him frequently +--a short florid, little man." + +"Oh, it must be him," said I, musingly, "it must have been this worthy +alderman, from whose worshipful person I tore the robe of office on the +night of the fete. But what does he mean by 'my exposing him and his +family?' Why, zounds, his wife and children were not with him on the +pavement. Oh, I see it; it is the mansion-house school of eloquence; did +not Sir William Curtis apologise for not appearing at court, from having +lost an eye, which he designated as an awful 'domestic calamity.'" + +It being now settled to my satisfaction, that Mr. Beamish and the great +uncloaked were "convertible terms," I set about making the 'amende' in +the most handsome manner possible. I wrote to the alderman a most +pacific epistle, regretting that my departure from Cork deprived me of +making reparation before, and expressing a most anxious hope that "he +caught no cold," and a fervent wish that "he would live many years to +grace and ornament the dignity of which his becoming costume was the +emblem." This I enclosed in a note to Curzon, telling him how the matter +occurred, and requesting that he would send it by his servant, together +with the scarlet vestment which he would find in my dressing-room. +Having folded and sealed this despatch, I turned to give Lord Callonby an +account of the business, and showed him Beamish's note, at which he was +greatly amused: and, indeed, it furnished food for mirth for the whole +party during the evening. The next morning I set out with Lord Callonby +on the long-threatened canvassing expedition--with the details of which I +need not burden my "Confessions." Suffice it to say, that when Lord +Kilkee was advocating Toryism in the west, I, his accredited ambassador, +was devoting to the infernal gods the prelacy, the peerage, and the +pension list--a mode of canvass well worthy of imitation in these +troublesome times; for, not to speak of the great prospect of success +from having friends on both sides of the question, the principal can +always divest himself of any unpleasant consequences as regards +inconsistency, by throing the blame on this friend, "who went too far," +as the appropriate phrase is. + +Nothing could be more successful than our mission. Lord Callonby was +delighted beyond bounds with the prospect, and so completely carried away +by high spirits, and so perfectly assured that much of it was owing to my +exertions, that on the second morning of our tour--for we proceeded +through the county for three days--he came laughing into my +dressing-room, with a newspaper in his hand. + +"Here, Lorrequer," said he, "here's news for you. You certainly must +read this," and he handed me a copy of the "Clare Herald," with an +account of our meeting the evening before. + +After glancing my eye rapidly over the routine usual in such cases +--Humph, ha--nearly two hundred people--most respectable farmers--room +appropriately decorated--"Callonby Arms"--"after the usual loyal toasts, +the chairman rose"--Well, no matter. Ah! here it is: "Mr. Lorrequer here +addressed the meeting with a flow of eloquence it has rarely, if ever, +been our privilege to hear equalled. He began by"--humph-- + +"Ah," said his lordship, impatiently, "you will never find it out--look +here--'Mr. Lorrequer, whom we have mentioned as having made the highly +exciting speech, to be found in our first page, is, we understand, the +son of Sir Guy Lorrequer, of Elton, in Shropshire--one of the wealthiest +baronets in England. If rumour speak truly, there is a very near +prospect of an alliance between this talented and promising young +gentleman, and the beautiful and accomplished daughter of a certain +noble earl, with whom he has been for some time domesticated." + +"Eh, what think you? Son of Sir Guy Lorrequer. I always thought my old +friend a bachelor, but you see the 'Clare Herald' knows better. Not to +speak of the last piece of intelligence, it is very good, is it not?" + +"Capital, indeed," said I, trying to laugh, and at the same time blushing +confoundedly, and looking as ridiculously as need be. + +It now struck me forcibly that there was something extremely odd in his +lordship's mention of this paragraph, particularly when coupled with his +and Lady Callonby's manner to me for the last two months. They knew +enough of my family, evidently, to be aware of my station and prospects +--or rather my want of both--and yet, in the face of this, they not only +encouraged me to prolong a most delightful visit, but by a thousand daily +and dangerous opportunities, absolutely threw me in the way of one of the +loveliest of her sex, seemingly without fear on their parts. "'Eh bien,'" +thought I, with my old philosophy, "Time, that 'pregnant old gentleman,' +will disclose all, and so 'laisse, aller.'" + +My reveries on my good and evil fortune were suddenly interrupted by a +letter which reached me that evening, having been forwarded from Callonby +by a special messenger. "What! Another epistle from Curzon," said I, as +my eye caught the address, and wondering not a little what pressing +emergency had called forth the words on the cover--"to be forwarded with +haste." I eagerly broke the seal and read the following: + +"My Dear Harry,--I received yours on the 11th, and immediately despatched +your note and the raiment to Mr. Beamish. He was from home at the time, +but at eight o'clock I was sent for from the mess to see two gentlemen on +most pressing business. I hurried to my quarters, and there found the +aforesaid Mr. B. accompanied by a friend, whom he introduced as Dr. De +Courcy Finucane, of the North Cork Militia--as warlike looking a +gentleman, of his inches, some five feet three, as you would wish to see. +The moment I appeared, both rose, and commenced a narrative, for such I +judge it to be, but so energetically and so completely together, that I +could only bow politely, and at last request that one, or the other, +would inform me of the object of their visit. Here began the tug of war, +the Doctor saying, 'Arrah, now Giles'--Mr. Beamish interrupting by +'Whisht, I tell ye--now, can't you let me! Ye see, Mr. Curzoin'--for so +they both agreed to designate me. At last, completely worn out, I said, +'Perhaps you have not received my friend's note?' At this Mr. Beamish +reddened to the eyes, and with the greatest volubility poured forth a +flood of indignant eloquence, that I thought it necessary to check; but +in this I failed, for after informing me pretty clearly, that he knew +nothing of your story of the alderman, or his cloak, added, that he +firmly believed your pretended reparation was only a renewed insult, and +that--but in a word, he used such language, that I was compelled to take +him short; and the finale is, that I agreed you should meet him, though +still ignorant of what he calls the 'original offence.'--But heaven +knows, his conduct here last night demands a reprimand, and I hope you +may give it; and if you shoot him, we may worm out the secret from his +executors. Nothing could exceed the politeness of the parties on my +consenting to this arrangement. Dr. Finucane proposed Carrigaholt, as +the rendezvous, about 12 miles, I believe, from Kilrush, and Tuesday +evening at six as the time, which will be the very earliest moment we can +arrive there. So, pray be up to time, and believe me yours, C. Curzon, +Saturday Evening." + +It was late on Monday evening when this letter reached me, and there was +no time to be lost, as I was then about 40 Irish miles from the place +mentioned by Curzon; so after briefly acquainting Lord Callonby that I +was called off by duty, I hurried to my room to pack my clothes, and +again read over this extraordinary epistle. + +I confess it did appear something droll, how completely Curzon seemed to +imbibe the passion for fighting from these "blood-thirsty Irishmen." +For by his own showing he was utterly ignorant of my ever having offended +this Mr. Beamish, of whom I recollected nothing whatever. Yet when the +gentleman waxes wrothy, rather than inconvenience him, or perhaps anxious +to get back to the mess, he coolly says, "Oh, my friend shall meet you," +and then his pleasant jest, "find out the cause of quarrel from his +executors!" + +Truly, thought I, there is no equanimity like his who acts as your second +in a duel. The gentlemanlike urbanity with which he waits on the +opposite friend--the conciliating tone with which he proffers implacable +enmity--the killing kindness with which he refuses all accommodation--the +Talleyrand air of his short notes, dated from the "Travellers," or +"Brookes," with the words 3 o'clock or 5 o'clock on the cover, all +indicative of the friendly precipitancy of the negociation. Then, when +all is settled, the social style with which he asks you to take a +"cutlet" with him at the "Clarendon," not to go home--are only to be +equalled by the admirable tact on the ground--the studiously elegant +salute to the adverse party, half a la Napoleon, and half Beau Brummell +--the politely offered snuff-box--the coquetting raillery about 10 paces +or 12--are certainly the beau ideal of the stoicism which preludes +sending your friend out of the world like a gentleman. + +How very often is the face of external nature at variance with the +thoughts and actions--"the sayings and doings" we may be most intent upon +at the moment. How many a gay and brilliant bridal party has wended its +way to St. George's, Hanover-square, amid a downpour of rain, one would +suppose sufficient to quench the torch of Hymen, though it burned as +brightly as Capt. Drummond's oxygen light; and on the other hand, how +frequently are the bluest azure of heaven and the most balmy airs shed +upon the heart bursting with affliction, or the head bowed with grief; +and without any desire to impugn, as a much high authority has done, the +moral character of the moon, how many a scene of blood and rapine has its +mild radiance illumined. Such reflections as these came thronging to my +mind, as on the afternoon of Tuesday I neared the little village of our +rendezvous. + +The scene which in all its peaceful beauty lay before me, was truly a +bitter contrast to the occasion that led me thither. I stood upon a +little peninsula which separates the Shannon from the wide Atlantic. On +one side the placed river flowed on its course, between fields of waving +corn, or rich pasturage--the beautiful island of Scattery, with its +picturesque ruins reflected in the unrippled tide--the cheerful voices of +the reapers, and the merry laugh of the children were mingled with the +seaman's cry of the sailors, who were "heaving short" on their anchor, +to take the evening tide. The village, which consisted of merely a few +small cabins, was still from its situation a pleasing object in the +picture, and the blue smoke that rose in slender columns from the humble +dwellings, took from the scene its character of loneliness, and suggested +feelings of home and homely enjoyments, which human habitations, however, +lowly, never fail to do. + +"At any other time," thought I, "and how I could have enjoyed all this, +but now--and, ha, I find it is already past five o'clock, and if I am +rightly informed I am still above a mile from 'Carrigaholt,' where we +were to meet." + +I had dismissed my conveyance when nearing the village, to avoid +observation, and now took a foot-path over the hills. Before I had +proceeded half a mile, the scene changed completely. I found myself +traversing a small glen, grown over with a low oak scrub, and not +presenting, on any side, the slightest trace of habitation. I saw that +the ground had been selected by an adept. The glen, which grew narrow as +I advanced, suddenly disclosed to my view a glimpse of the Atlantic, upon +which the declining sun was pouring a flood of purple glory. I had +scarcely turned from the contemplation of this beautiful object, when a +long low whistle attracted my attention. I looked in the direction from +whence it proceeded, and discovered at some distance from me three +figures standing beside the ruin of an old Abbey, which I now for the +first time perceived. + +If I had entertained any doubt as to who they were, it had been speedily +resolved, for I now saw one of the party waving his hat to me, whom, I +soon recognized to be Curzon; he came forward to meet me, and, in the few +hundred yards that intervened before our reaching the others, told me as +much as he knew of the opposite party; which, after all, was but little. +Mr. Beamish, my adversary, he described as a morose, fire-eating +southern, that evidently longed for an "affair" with a military man, then +considered a circumstance of some eclat in the south; his second, the +doctor, on the contrary, was by far "the best of the cut-throats," a most +amusing little personage, full of his own importance, and profuse in his +legends of his own doings in love and war, and evidently disposed to take +the pleasing side of every occurrence in life; they both agreed in but +one point--a firm and fixed resolve to give no explanation of the quarrel +with me. "So then," said I, as Curzon hurried over the preceding +account, "you absolutely know nothing whatever of the reason for which I +am about to give this man a meeting." + +"No more than you," said Curzon, with imperturbable gravity; "but one +thing I am certain of--had I not at once promised him such, he would have +posted you in Limerick the next morning; and as you know our mess rule in +the 4_th, I thought it best--" + +"Oh, certainly, quite right; but now are you quite certain I am the man +who offended him? For I solemnly assure you, I have not the most remote +recollection of having ever heard of him." + +"That point," said Curzon, "there can be no doubt of, for he not only +designated you as Mr. Harry Lorrequer, but the gentleman that made all +Cork laugh so heartily, by his representation of Othello." + +"Stop!" said I, "say not a word more; I'm his man." + +By this time we had reached the ruins, and turning a corner came in full +contact with the enemy; they had been resting themselves on a tombstone +as we approached. + +"Allow me," said Curzon, stepping a little in advance of me; "allow me to +introduce my friend Mr. Lorrequer, Dr. Finicane,--Dr. Finicane, Mr. +Lorrequer." + +"Finucane, if quite agreeable to you; Finucane," said the little +gentleman, as he lifted his hat straight off his head, and replaced it +most accurately, by way of salute. "Mr. Lorrequer, it is with sincere +pleasure I make your acquaintance." Here Mr. Beamish bowed stiffly, in +return to my salutation, and at the instant a kind of vague sensation +crossed my mind, that those red whiskers, and that fiery face were not +seen for the first time; but the thumbscrews of the holy office would +have been powerless to refresh my memory as to when. + +"Captain," said the doctor, "may I request the favour of your company +this way, one minute;" they both walked aside; the only words which +reached me as I moved off, to permit their conference, being an assurance +on the part of the doctor, "that it was a sweet spot he picked out, for, +by having them placed north and south, neither need have a patch of sky +behind him." Very few minutes sufficed for preliminaries, and they both +advanced, smirking and smiling, as if they had just arranged a new plan +for the amelioration of the poor, or the benefit of the manufacturing +classes, instead of making preparations for sending a gentleman out of +the world. + +"Then if I understand you, captain," said the doctor, "you step the +distance, and I give the word." + +"Exactly," said Curzon. + +After a joking allusion to my friend's length of limb, at which we all +laughed heartily, we were placed, Curzon and the doctor standing and +breaking the line between us; the pistols were then put into our hands, +the doctor saying--"Now, gentlemen, I'll just retire six paces, and turn +round, which will be quite time enough to prepare, and at the word +'fire,' ye'll blaze away; mind now." With a knowing wink, the doctor +delivered this direction, and immediately moved off; the word "fire" +followed, and both pistols went off together. My hat was struck near the +top, and, as the smoke cleared away, I perceived that my ball had taken +effect upon my adversary; he was wounded a little below the knee and +appeared to steady himself with the greatest difficulty. "You friend is +hit," said Curzon, to the doctor, who now came forward with another +pistol. "You friend is hit." + +"So I perceive," said he, placing his finger on the spot; "but it is no +harm in life; so we proceed, if you please." + +"You don't mean to demand another shot?" said Curzon. + +"Faith, do I," said the doctor coolly. + +"Then," said Curzon, "I must tell you most unequivocally, I refuse, and +shall now withdraw my friend; and had it not been for a regulation +peculiar to our regiment, but never intended to include cases of this +nature, we had not been here now; for up to this hour my principal and +myself are in utter ignorance of any cause of offence ever having been +offered by him to Mr. Beamish." + +"Giles, do you hear this?" said the doctor. + +But Giles did not hear it, for the rapid loss of blood from his wound had +so weakened him, that he had fainted, and now lay peaceably on the grass. +Etiquette was now at an end, and we all ran forward to assist the wounded +man; for some minutes he lay apparently quite senseless, and when he at +last rallied and looked wildly about him, it appeared to be with +difficulty that he recalled any recollection of the place, and the people +around him; for a few seconds he fixed his eyes steadily upon the doctor, +and with a lip pale and bloodless, and a voice quivering from weakness, +said, + +"Fin! Didn't I tell ye, that pistol always threw high--oh!" and this he +said with a sigh that nearly overpowered him, "Oh, Fin, if you had only +given me the saw-handled one, that I AM USED TO; but it is no good +talking now." + +In my inmost heart I was grateful to the little doctor for his mistake, +for I plainly perceived what "the saw-handled one he was used to" might +have done for me, and could not help muttering to myself with good Sir +Andrew--"If I had known he was so cunning of fence, I'd have seen him +damned before that I fought with him." + +Our first duty was now to remove the wounded man to the high road, about +which both he himself and his second seemed disposed to make some +difficulty; they spoke together for a few moments in a low tone of voice, +and then the doctor addressed us--"We feel, gentlemen, this is not a +time for any concealment; but the truth is, we have need of great +circumspection here, for I must inform you, we are both of us bound +over in heavy recognizances to keep the peace." + +"Bound over to keep the peace!" said Curzon and myself together. + +"Nothing less; and although there is nobody hereabout would tell, yet if +the affair got into the papers by any means, why there are some people in +Cork would like to press my friend there, for he is a very neat shot when +he has the saw-handle," and here the doctor winked. + +We had little time permitted us, to think upon the oddity of meeting a +man in such circumstances, for we were now obliged to contribute our aid +in conveying him to the road, where some means might be procured for his +transfer to Kilrush, or some other town in the neighbourhood, for he was +by this time totally unable to walk. + +After half an hour's toiling, we at last did reach the highway, by which +time I had ample opportunity, short as the space was, to see something of +the character of our two opponents. It appeared the doctor exercised the +most absolute control over his large friend, dictating and commanding in +a tone which the other never ventured to resist; for a moment or two Mr. +Beamish expressed a great desire to be conveyed by night to Kilrush, +where he might find means to cross the Shannon into Kerry; this, however, +the doctor opposed strenuously, from the risque of publicity; and finally +settled that we should all go in a body to his friend, Father Malachi +Brennan's house, only two miles off, where the sick man would have the +most tender care, and what the doctor considered equally indispensable, +we ourselves a most excellent supper, and a hearty welcome. + +"You know Father Malachi, of course, Mr. Lorrequer?" + +"I am ashamed to say I do not." + +"Not know Malachi Brennan and live in Clare! Well, well, that is +strange; sure he is the priest of this country for twelve miles in every +direction of you, and a better man, and a pleasanter, there does not live +in the diocese; though I'm his cousin that says it." + +After professing all the possible pleasure it would afford my friend and +myself to make the acquaintance of Father Malachi, we proceeded to place +Mr. Beamish in a car that was passing at the time, and started for the +residence of the good priest. The whole of the way thither I was +occupied but by one thought, a burning anxiety to know the cause of our +quarrel, and I longed for the moment when I might get the doctor apart +from his friend, to make the inquiry. + +"There--look down to your left, where you see the lights shining so +brightly, that is Father Malachi's house; as sure as my name is +De Courcy Finucane, there's fun going on there this night." + +"Why, there certainly does seem a great illumination in the valley +there," said I. + +"May I never," said the doctor, "if it isn't a station--" + +"A station!--pray may I ask--" + +"You need not ask a word on the subject; for, if I am a true prophet, +you'll know what it means before morning." + +A little more chatting together, brought us to a narrow road, flanked on +either side by high hedges of hawthorn, and, in a few minutes more, we +stood before the priest's residence, a long, white-washed, thatched +house, having great appearance of comfort and convenience. Arrived here, +the doctor seemed at once to take on him the arrangement of the whole +party; for, after raising the latch and entering the house, he returned +to us in a few minutes, and said, + +"Wait a while now; we'll not go in to Father Malachi, 'till we've put +Giles to bed." + +We, accordingly, lifted him from off the car, and assisted him into the +house, and following Finucane down a narrow passage, at last reached a +most comfortable little chamber, with a neat bed; here we placed him, +while the doctor gave some directions to a bare-headed, red-legged +hussey, without shoes or stockings, and himself proceeded to examine the +wound, which was a more serious one than it at first appeared. + +After half an hour thus occupied, during which time, roars of merriment +and hearty peals of laughter burst upon us every time the door opened, +from a distant part of the house, where his reverence was entertaining +his friends, and which, as often as they were heard by the doctor seemed +to produce in him sensations not unlike those that afflicted the "wedding +guest" in the "Ancient Mariner," when he heard the "loud bassoon," and as +certainly imparted an equally longing desire to be a partaker in the +mirth. We arranged every thing satisfactorily for Mr. Beamish's comfort, +and with a large basin of vinegar and water, to keep his knee cool, and a +strong tumbler of hot punch, to keep his heart warm--homeopathic medicine +is not half so new as Dr. Hahnneman would make us believe--we left Mr. +Beamish to his own meditations, and doubtless regrets that he did not get +"the saw-handled one, he was used to," while we proceeded to make our +bows to Father Malachi Brennan. + +But, as I have no intention to treat the good priest with ingratitude, I +shall not present him to my readers at the tail of a chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +THE PRIEST'S SUPPER--FATHER MALACHI AND THE COADJUTOR +--MAJOR JONES AND THE ABBE + +At the conclusion of our last chapter we left our quondam antagonist, +Mr. Beamish, stretched at full length upon a bed practising homeopathy +by administering hot punch to his fever, while we followed our chaperon, +Doctor Finucane, into the presence of the Reverend Father Brennan. + +The company into which we now, without any ceremony on our parts, +introduced ourselves, consisted of from five and twenty to thirty +persons, seated around a large oak table, plentifully provided with +materials for drinking, and cups, goblets, and glasses of every shape and +form. The moment we entered, the doctor stepped forward, and, touching +Father Malachi on the shoulder,--for so I rightly guessed him to be, +--presented himself to his relative, by whom he was welcomed with every +demonstration of joy. While their recognitions were exchanged, and while +the doctor explained the reasons of our visit, I was enabled, undisturbed +and unnoticed, to take a brief survey of the party. + +Father Malachi Brennan, P.P. of Carrigaholt, was what I had often +pictured to myself as the beau ideal of his caste; his figure was short, +fleshy, and enormously muscular, and displayed proportions which wanted +but height to constitute a perfect Hercules; his legs so thick in the +calf, so taper in the ancle, looked like nothing I know, except perhaps, +the metal balustrades of Carlisle--bridge; his face was large and rosy, +and the general expression, a mixture of unbounded good humour and +inexhaustible drollery, to which the restless activity of his black and +arched eye--brows greatly contributed; and his mouth, were it not for a +character of sensuality and voluptuousness about the nether lip, had been +actually handsome; his head was bald, except a narrow circle close above +the ears, which was marked by a ring of curly dark hair, sadly +insufficient however, to conceal a development behind, that, if there be +truth in phrenology, bodes but little happiness to the disciples of Miss +Martineau. + +Add to these external signs a voice rich, fluent, and racy, with the +mellow "doric" of his country, and you have some faint resemblance of one +"every inch a priest." The very antipodes to the 'bonhomie' of this +figure, confronted him as croupier at the foot of the table. This, +as I afterwards learned, was no less a person than Mister Donovan, the +coadjutor or "curate;" he was a tall, spare, ungainly looking man of +about five and thirty, with a pale, ascetic countenance, the only +readable expression of which vibrated between low suspicion and intense +vulgarity: over his low, projecting forehead hung down a mass of straight +red hair; indeed--for nature is not a politician--it almost approached an +orange hue. This was cut close to the head all around, and displayed in +their full proportions a pair of enormous ears, which stood out in +"relief," like turrets from a watch-tower, and with pretty much the same +object; his skin was of that peculiar colour and texture, to which, not +all "the water in great Neptune's ocean" could impart a look of +cleanliness, while his very voice, hard, harsh, and inflexible, was +unprepossessing and unpleasant. And yet, strange as it may seem, he, +too, was a correct type of his order; the only difference being, that +Father Malachi was an older coinage, with the impress of Donay or St. +Omers, whereas Mister Donovan was the shining metal, fresh stamped from +the mint of Maynooth. + +While thus occupied in my surveillance of the scene before me, I was +roused by the priest saying-- + +"Ah, Fin, my darling, you needn't deny it; you're at the old game as sure +as my name is Malachi, and ye'll never be easy nor quiet till ye're sent +beyond the sea, or maybe have a record of your virtues on half a ton of +marble in the church-yard, yonder." + +"Upon my honour, upon the sacred honour of a De Courcy--." + +"Well, well, never mind it now; ye see ye're just keeping your friends +cooling themselves there in the corner--introduce me at once." + +"Mr. Lorrequer, I'm sure--." + +"My name is Curzon," said the adjutant, bowing. + +"A mighty pretty name, though a little profane; well, Mr. Curse-on," for +so he pronounced it, "ye're as welcome as the flowers in May; and it's +mighty proud I am to see ye here. + +"Mr. Lorrequer, allow me to shake your hand--I've heard of ye before." + +There seemed nothing very strange in that; for go where I would through +this country, I seemed as generally known as ever was Brummell in +Bond-street. + +"Fin tells me," continued Father Malachi, "that ye'd rather not be known +down here, in regard of a reason," and here he winked. "Make yourselves +quite easy; the king's writ was never but once in these parts; and the +'original and true copy' went back to Limerick in the stomach of the +server; they made him eat it, Mr. Lorrequer; but it's as well to be +cautious, for there are a good number here. A little dinner, a little +quarterly dinner we have among us, Mr. Curseon, to be social together, +and raise a 'thrifle' for the Irish college at Rome, where we have a +probationer or two, ourselves. + +"As good as a station, and more drink," whispered Fin into my ear. "And +now," continued the priest, "ye must just permit me to re-christen ye +both, and the contribution will not be the less for what I'm going to do; +and I'm certain you'll not be worse for the change Mr. Curseon--though +'tis only for a few hours, ye'll have a dacent name." + +As I could see no possible objection to this proposal, nor did Curzon +either, our only desire being to maintain the secrecy necessary for our +antagonist's safety, we at once assented; when Father Malachi took me by +the hand, but with such a total change in his whole air and deportment +that I was completely puzzled by it; he led me forward to the company +with a good deal of the ceremonious reverence I have often admired in Sir +Charles Vernon, when conducting some full--blown dowager through the +mazes of a castle minuet. The desire to laugh outright was almost +irresistible, as the Rev. Father stood at arm's length from me, still +holding my hand, and bowing to the company pretty much in the style of a +manager introducing a blushing debutante to an audience. A moment more, +and I must have inevitably given way to a burst of laughter, when what +was my horror to hear the priest present me to the company as their +"excellent, worthy, generous, and patriotic young landlord, Lord Kilkee. +Cheer every mother's son of ye; cheer I say;" and certainly precept was +never more strenuously backed by example, for he huzzaed till I thought +he would burst a blood-vessel; may I add, I almost wished it, such was +the insufferable annoyance, the chagrin, this announcement gave me; and +I waited with eager impatience for the din and clamour to subside, to +disclaim every syllable of the priest's announcement, and take the +consequences of my baptismal epithet, cost what it might. To this I was +impelled by many and important reasons. Situated as I was with respect +to the Callonby family, my assumption of their name at such a moment +might get abroad, and the consequences to me, be inevitable ruin; and +independent of my natural repugnance to such sailing under false colours, +I saw Curzon laughing almost to suffocation at my wretched predicament, +and (so strong within me was the dread of ridicule) I thought, "what a +pretty narrative he is concocting for the mess this minute." I rose +to reply; and whether Father Malachi, with his intuitive quickness, +guessed my purpose or not, I cannot say, but he certainly resolved to +out-maneuver me, and he succeeded: while with one hand he motioned to the +party to keep silence, with the other he took hold of Curzon, but with no +peculiar or very measured respect, and introduced him as Mr. MacNeesh, +the new Scotch steward and improver--a character at that time whose +popularity might compete with a tithe proctor or an exciseman. So +completely did this tactique turn the tables upon the poor adjutant, who +the moment before was exulting over me, that I utterly forgot my own +woes, and sat down convulsed with mirth at his situation--an emotion +certainly not lessened as I saw Curzon passed from one to the other at +table, "like a pauper to his parish," till he found an asylum at the very +foot, in juxta with the engaging Mister Donovan. A propinquity, if I +might judge from their countenances, uncoveted by either party. + +While this was performing, Doctor Finucane was making his recognitions +with several of the company, to whom he had been long known during his +visits to the neighbourhood. I now resumed my place on the right of the +Father, abandoning for the present all intention of disclaiming my rank, +and the campaign was opened. The priest now exerted himself to the +utmost to recall conversation with the original channels, and if possible +to draw off attention from me, which he still feared, might, perhaps, +elicit some unlucky announcement on my part. Failing in his endeavours +to bring matters to their former footing, he turned the whole brunt of +his attentions to the worthy doctor, who sat on his left. + +"How goes on the law," said he, "Fin? Any new proofs, as they call them, +forthcoming?" + +What Fin replied, I could not hear, but the allusion to the "suit" was +explained by Father Malachi informing us that the only impediment between +his cousin and the title of Kinsale lay in the unfortunate fact, that his +grandmother, "rest her sowl," was not a man. + +Doctor Finucane winced a little under the manner in which this was +spoken: but returned the fire by asking if the bishop was down lately in +that quarter? The evasive way in which "the Father" replied having +stimulated my curiosity as to the reason, little entreaty was necessary +to persuade the doctor to relate the following anecdote, which was not +relished the less by his superior, that it told somewhat heavily on Mr. +Donovan. + +"It is about four years ago," said the doctor, "since the Bishop, Dr. +Plunkett, took it into his head that he'd make a general inspection, 'a +reconnoisance," as we'd call it, Mr. Lor--that is, my lord! Through the +whole diocese, and leave no part far nor near without poking his nose in +it and seeing how matters were doing. He heard very queer stories about +his reverence here, and so down he came one morning in the month of July, +riding upon an old grey hack, looking just for all the world like any +other elderly gentleman in very rusty black. When he got near the +village he picked up a little boy to show him the short cut across the +fields to the house here; and as his lordship was a 'sharp man and a +shrewd,' he kept his eye on every thing as he went along, remarking this, +and noting down that. + +"'Are ye regular in yer duties, my son?' said he to the gossoon. + +"'I never miss a Sunday,' said the gossoon; 'for it's always walking his +reverence's horse I am the whole time av prayers.' + +"His lordship said no more for a little while, when he muttered between +his teeth, 'Ah, it's just slander--nothing but slander and lying +tongues.' This soliloquy was caused by his remarking that on every gate +he passed, or from every cabin, two or three urchins would come out half +naked, but all with the finest heads of red hair he ever saw in his life. + +"'How is it, my son,' said he, at length; 'they tell very strange stories +about Father Malachi, and I see so many of these children with red hair. +Eh--now Father Malachi's a dark man.' + +"'True for ye,' said the boy; 'true for ye, Father Malachi's dark; but +the coadjutor!--the coadjutor's as red as a fox.'" + +When the laugh this story caused had a little subsided, Father Malachi +called out, "Mickey Oulahan! Mickey, I say, hand his lordship over 'the +groceries'"--thus he designated a square decanter, containing about two +quarts of whiskey, and a bowl heaped high with sugar--"a dacent boy is +Mickey, my lord, and I'm happy to be the means of making him known to +you." I bowed with condescension, while Mr. Oulahan's eyes sparkled like +diamonds at the recognition. + +"He has only two years of the lease to run, and a 'long charge,' +(anglice, a large family,) continued the priest. + +"I'll not forget him, you may depend upon it," said I. + +"Do you hear that," said Father Malachi, casting a glance of triumph +round the table, while a general buzz of commendation on priest and +patron went round, with many such phrases as, "Och thin, it's his +riv'rance can do it," "na bocklish," "and why not," &c. &c. As for me, +I have already "confessed" to my crying sin, a fatal, irresistible +inclination to follow the humour of the moment wherever it led me; and +now I found myself as active a partizan in quizzing Mickey Oulahan, as +though I was not myself a party included in the jest. I was thus fairly +launched into my inveterate habit, and nothing could arrest my progress. + +One by one the different individuals round the table were presented to +me, and made known their various wants, with an implicit confidence in my +power of relieving them, which I with equal readiness ministered to. I +lowered the rent of every man at table. I made a general jail delivery, +an act of grace, (I blush to say,) which seemed to be peculiarly +interesting to the present company. I abolished all arrears--made a new +line of road through an impassable bog, and over an inaccessible +mountain--and conducted water to a mill, which (I learned in the morning) +was always worked by wind. The decanter had scarcely completed its third +circuit of the board, when I bid fair to be most popular specimen of the +peerage that ever visited the "far west." In the midst of my career of +universal benevolence, I was interrupted by Father Malachi, whom I found +on his legs, pronouncing a glowing eulogium on his cousin's late +regiment, the famous North Cork. + +"That was the corps!" said he. "Bid them do a thing, and they'd never +leave off; and so, when they got orders to retire from Wexford, it's +little they cared for the comforts of baggage, like many another +regiment, for they threw away every thing but their canteens, and never +stopped till they ran to Ross, fifteen miles farther than the enemy +followed them. And when they were all in bed the same night, fatigued +and tired with their exertions, as ye may suppose, a drummer's boy called +out in his sleep--'here they are--they're coming'--they all jumped up and +set off in their shirts, and got two miles out of town before they +discovered it was a false alarm." + +Peal after peal of laughter followed the priest's encomium on the +doctor's regiment; and, indeed, he himself joined most heartily in the +mirth, as he might well afford to do, seeing that a braver or better +corps than the North Cork, Ireland did not possess. + +"Well," said Fin, "it's easy to see ye never can forget what they did at +Maynooth." + +Father Malachi disclaimed all personal feeling on the subject; and I was +at last gratified by the following narrative, which I regret deeply I am +not enabled to give in the doctor's own verbiage; but writing as I do +from memory, (in most instances,) I can only convey the substance: + +It was towards the latter end of the year '98--the year of the troubles +--that the North Cork was ordered, "for their sins" I believe, to march +from their snug quarters in Fermoy, and take up a position in the town of +Maynooth--a very considerable reverse of fortune to a set of gentlemen +extremely addicted to dining out, and living at large upon a very +pleasant neighbourhood. Fermoy abounded in gentry; Maynooth at that, +time had few, if any, excepting his Grace of Leinster, and he lived very +privately, and saw no company. Maynooth was stupid and dull--there were +neither belles nor balls; Fermoy (to use the doctor's well remembered +words) had "great feeding," and "very genteel young ladies, that carried +their handkerchiefs in bags, and danced with the officers." + +They had not been many weeks in their new quarters, when they began to +pine over their altered fortunes, and it was with a sense of delight, +which a few months before would have been incomprehensible to them, they +discovered, that one of their officers had a brother, a young priest in +the college: he introduced him to some of his confreres, and the natural +result followed. A visiting acquaintance began between the regiment and +such of the members of the college as had liberty to leave the precincts: +who, as time ripened the acquaintance into intimacy, very naturally +preferred the cuisine of the North Cork to the meagre fare of "the +refectory." At last seldom a day went by, without one or two of their +reverences finding themselves guests at the mess. The North Corkians +were of a most hospitable turn, and the fathers were determined the +virtue should not rust for want of being exercised; they would just drop +in to say a word to "Captain O'Flaherty about leave to shoot in the +demesne," as Carton was styled; or, they had a "frank from the Duke for +the Colonel," or some other equally pressing reason; and they would +contrive to be caught in the middle of a very droll story just as the +"roast beef" was playing. Very little entreaty then sufficed--a short +apology for the "dereglements" of dress, and a few minutes more found +them seated at table without further ceremony on either side. + +Among the favourite guests from the college, two were peculiarly held in +estimation--"the Professor of the Humanities," Father Luke Mooney; and the +Abbe D'Array, "the Lecturer on Moral Philosophy, and Belles Lettres;" and +certain it is, pleasanter fellows, or more gifted with the "convivial +bump," there never existed. He of the Humanities was a droll dog--a +member of the Curran club, the "monks of the screw," told an excellent +story, and sang the "Cruiskeen Lawn" better than did any before or since +him;--the moral philosopher, though of a different genre, was also a most +agreeable companion, an Irishman transplanted in his youth to St. Omers, +and who had grafted upon his native humour a considerable share of French +smartness and repartee--such were the two, who ruled supreme in all the +festive arrangements of this jovial regiment, and were at last as regular +at table, as the adjutant and the paymaster, and so might they have +continued, had not prosperity, that in its blighting influence upon the +heart, spares neither priests nor laymen, and is equally severe upon mice +(see Aesop's fable) and moral philosophers, actually deprived them, for +the "nonce" of reason, and tempted them to their ruin. You naturally +ask, what did they do? Did they venture upon allusions to the retreat +upon Ross? Nothing of the kind. Did they, in that vanity which wine +inspires, refer by word, act, or inuendo, to the well-known order of +their Colonel when reviewing his regiment in "the Phoenix," to "advance +two steps backwards, and dress by the gutter." Far be it from them: +though indeed either of these had been esteemed light in the balance +compared with their real crime. "Then, what was their failing--come, +tell it, and burn ye?" They actually, "horresco referens," quizzed the +Major coram the whole mess!--Now, Major John Jones had only lately +exchanged into the North Cork from the "Darry Ragement," as he called it. +He was a red--hot orangeman, a deputy--grand something, and vice-chairman +of the "'Prentice Boys" beside. He broke his leg when a school-boy, by +a fall incurred in tying an orange handkerchief around King William's +August neck in College-green, on one 12th of July, and three several +times had closed the gates of Derry with his own loyal hands, on the +famed anniversary; in a word, he was one, that if his church had enjoined +penance as an expiation for sin, would have looked upon a trip to +Jerusalem on his bare knees, as a very light punishment for the crime on +his conscience, that he sat at table with two buck priests from Maynooth, +and carved for them, like the rest of the company! + +Poor Major Jones, however, had no such solace, and the canker-worm eat +daily deeper and deeper into his pining heart. During the three or four +weeks of their intimacy with his regiment, his martyrdom was awful. His +figure wasted, and his colour became a deeper tinge of orange, and all +around averred that there would soon be a "move up" in the corps, for the +major had evidently "got his notice to quit" this world, and its pomps +and vanities. He felt "that he was dying," to use Haines Bayley's +beautiful and apposite words, and meditated an exchange, but that, from +circumstances, was out of the question. At last, subdued by grief, and +probably his spirit having chafed itself smooth by such constant +attrition, he became, to all seeming, calmer; but it was only the calm of +a broken and weary heart. Such was Major Jones at the time, when, +"suadente diabolo," it seemed meet to Fathers Mooney and D'Array to make +him the butt of their raillery. At first, he could not believe it; the +thing was incredible--impossible; but when he looked around the table, +when he heard the roars of laughter, long, loud, and vociferous; when he +heard his name bandied from one to the other across the table, with some +vile jest tacked to it "like a tin kettle to a dog's tail," he awoke to +the full measure of his misery--the cup was full. Fate had done her +worst, and he might have exclaimed with Lear, "spit, fire--spout, rain," +there was nothing in store for him of further misfortune. + +A drum-head court-martial--a hint "to sell out"--ay, a sentence of +"dismissed the service," had been mortal calamities, and, like a man, he +would have borne them; but that he, Major John Jones, D.G.S. C.P.B., &c. +&c, who had drank the "pious, glorious, and immortal," sitting astride of +"the great gun of Athlone," should come to this! Alas, and alas! He +retired that night to his chamber a "sadder if not a wiser man;" he +dreamed that the "statue" had given place to the unshapely figure of Leo +X., and that "Lundy now stood where Walker stood before." He humped from +his bed in a moment of enthusiasm, he vowed his revenge, and he kept his +vow. + +That day the major was "acting field officer." The various patroles, +sentries, picquets, and out-posts, were all under his especial control; +and it was remarked that he took peculiar pains in selecting the men for +night duty, which, in the prevailing quietness and peace of that time, +seemed scarcely warrantable. + +Evening drew near, and Major Jones, summoned by the "oft-heard beat," +wended his way to the mess. The officers were dropping in, and true as +"the needle to the pole," came Father Mooney and the Abbe. They were +welcomed with the usual warmth, and strange to say, by none more than the +major himself, whose hilarity knew no bounds. + +How the evening passed, I shall not stop to relate: suffice it to say, +that a more brilliant feast of wit and jollification, not even the North +Cork ever enjoyed. Father Luke's drollest stories, his very quaintest +humour shone forth, and the Abbe sang a new "Chanson a Boire," that +Beranger might have envied. + +"What are you about, my dear Father D'Array?" said the Colonel; "you are +surely not rising yet; here's a fresh cooper of port just come in; sit +down, I entreat." + +"I say it with grief, my dear colonel, we must away; the half-hour has +just chimed, and we must be within 'the gates' before twelve. The truth +is, the superior has been making himself very troublesome about our +'carnal amusements' as he calls our innocent mirth, and we must therefore +be upon our guard." + +"Well, if it must be so, we shall not risk losing your society +altogether, for an hour or so now; so, one bumper to our next meeting +--to-morrow, mind, and now, M. D'Abbe, au revoir." + +The worthy fathers finished their glasses, and taking a most affectionate +leave of their kind entertainers, sallied forth under the guidance of +Major Jones, who insisted upon accompanying them part of the way, as, +"from information he had received, the sentries were doubled in some +places, and the usual precautions against surprise all taken." Much as +this polite attention surprised the objects of it, his brother officers +wondered still more, and no sooner did they perceive the major and his +companions issue forth, than they set out in a body to watch where this +most novel and unexpected complaisance would terminate. + +When the priests reached the door of the barrack-yard, they again turned +to utter their thanks to the major, and entreat him once more, "not to +come a step farther. There now, major, we know the path well, so just +give us the pass, and don't stay out in the night air." + +"Ah oui, Monsieur Jones," said the Abbe, "retournez, je vous prie. We +are, I must say, chez nous. Ces braves gens, les North Cork know us by +this time." + +The major smiled, while he still pressed his services to see them past +the picquets, but they were resolved and would not be denied. + +"With the word for the night, we want nothing more," said Father Luke. + +"Well, then," said the major, in the gravest tone, and he was naturally +grave, "you shall have your way, but remember to call out loud, for the +first sentry is a little deaf, and a very passionate, ill-tempered +fellow to boot." + +"Never fear," said Father Mooney, laughing; "I'll go bail he'll hear me." + +"Well--the word for the night is--'Bloody end to the Pope,'--don't +forget, now, 'Bloody end to the Pope,'" and with these words he banged +the door between him and the unfortunate priests; and, as bolt was +fastened after bolt, they heard him laughing to himself like a fiend over +his vengeance. + +"And big bad luck to ye, Major Jones, for the same, every day ye see a +paving stone," was the faint sub-audible ejaculation of Father Luke, when +he was recovered enough to speak. + +"Sacristi! Que nous sommes attrappes," said the Abbe, scarcely able to +avoid laughing at the situation in which they were placed. + +"Well, there's the quarter chiming now; we've no time to lose--Major +Jones! Major, darling! Don't now, ah, don't! sure ye know we'll be +ruined entirely--there now, just change it, like a dacent fellow--the +devil's luck to him, he's gone. Well, we can't stay here in the rain all +night, and be expelled in the morning afterwards--so come along." + +They jogged on for a few minutes in silence, till they came to that part +of the "Duke's" demesne wall, where the first sentry was stationed. By +this time the officers, headed by the major, had quietly slipped out of +the gate, and were following their steps at a convenient distance. + +The fathers had stopped to consult together, what they should do in this +trying emergency--when their whisper being overheard, the sentinel called +out gruffly, in the genuine dialect of his country, "who goes that?" + +"Father Luke Mooney, and the Abbe D'Array," said the former, in his most +bland and insinuating tone of voice, a quality he most eminently +possessed. + +"Stand and give the countersign." + +"We are coming from the mess, and going home to the college," said Father +Mooney, evading the question, and gradually advancing as he spoke. + +"Stand, or I'll shot ye," said the North Corkian. + +Father Luke halted, while a muttered "Blessed Virgin" announced his state +of fear and trepidation. + +"D'Array, I say, what are we to do." + +"The countersign," said the sentry, whose figure they could perceive in +the dim distance of about thirty yards. + +"Sure ye'll let us pass, my good lad, and ye'll have a friend in Father +Luke the longest day ye live, and ye might have a worse in time of need; +ye understand." + +Whether he did understand or not, he certainly did not heed, for his only +reply was the short click of his gun-lock, that bespeaks a preparation to +fire. + +"There's no help now," said Father Luke; "I see he's a haythen; and bad +luck to the major, I say again;" and this in the fulness of his heart he +uttered aloud. + +"That's not the countersign," said the inexorable sentry, striking the +butt end of the musket on the ground with a crash that smote terror into +the hearts of the priests. + +Mumble--mumble--"to the Pope," said Father Luke, pronouncing the last +words distinctly, after the approved practice of a Dublin watchman, on +being awoke from his dreams of row and riot by the last toll of the +Post-office, and not knowing whether it has struck "twelve" or "three," +sings out the word "o'clock," in a long sonorous drawl, that wakes every +sleeping citizen, and yet tells nothing how "time speeds on his flight." + +"Louder," said the sentry, in a voice of impatience. + +_____ "to the Pope." + +"I don't hear the first part." + +"Oh then," said the priest, with a sigh that might have melted the heart +of anything but a sentry, "Bloody end to the Pope; and may the saints in +heaven forgive me for saying it." + +"Again," called out the soldier; "and no muttering." + +"Bloody end to the Pope," cried Father Luke in bitter desperation. + +"Bloody end to the Pope," echoed the Abbe. + +"Pass bloody end to the Pope, and good night," said the sentry, resuming +his rounds, while a loud and uproarious peal of laughter behind, told the +unlucky priests they were overheard by others, and that the story would +be over the whole town in the morning. + +Whether it was that the penance for their heresy took long in +accomplishing, or that they never could summon courage sufficient to face +their persecutor, certain it is, the North Cork saw them no more, nor +were they ever observed to pass the precincts of the college, while that +regiment occupied Maynooth. + +Major Jones himself, and his confederates, could not have more heartily +relished this story, than did the party to whom the doctor heartily +related it. Much, if not all the amusement it afforded, however, +resulted from his inimitable mode of telling, and the power of mimicry, +with which he conveyed the dialogue with the sentry: and this, alas, must +be lost to my readers, at least to that portion of them not fortunate +enough to possess Doctor Finucane's acquaintance. + +"Fin! Fin! your long story has nearly famished me," said the padre, as +the laugh subsided; "and there you sit now with the jug at your elbow +this half-hour; I never thought you would forget our old friend Martin +Hanegan's aunt." + +"Here's to her health," said Fin; "and your reverence will get us the +chant." + +"Agreed," said Father Malachi, finishing a bumper, and after giving a few +preparatory hems, he sang the following "singularly wild and beautiful +poem," as some one calls Christabel:-- + +"Here's a health to Martin Hanegan's aunt, +And I'll tell ye the reason why! +She eats bekase she is hungry, +And drinks bekase she is dry. + +"And if ever a man, +Stopped the course of a can, +Martin Hanegan's aunt would cry-- +'Arrah, fill up your glass, +And let the jug pass; +How d'ye know but what your neighbour's dhry?" + +"Come, my lord and gentlemen, da capo, if ye please--Fill up your glass," +and the chanson was chorussed with a strength and vigour that would +have astonished the Philharmonic. + +The mirth and fun now grew "fast and furious;" and Father Malachi, rising +with the occasion, flung his reckless drollery and fun on every side, +sparing none, from his cousin to the coadjutor. It was not that peculiar +period in the evening's enjoyment, when an expert and practical chairman +gives up all interference or management, and leaves every thing to take +its course; this then was the happy moment selected by Father Malachi to +propose the little "contrhibution." He brought a plate from a side +table, and placing it before him, addressed the company in a very brief +but sensible speech, detailing the object of the institution he was +advocating, and concluding with the following words:--"and now ye'll just +give whatever ye like, according to your means in life, and what ye can +spare." + +The admonition, like the "morale" of an income tax, having the immediate +effect of pitting each man against his neighbour, and suggesting to their +already excited spirits all the ardour of gambling, without, however, +a prospect of gain. The plate was first handed to me in honour of my +"rank," and having deposited upon it a handful of small silver, the +priest ran his finger through the coin, and called out:-- + +"Five pounds! at least; not a farthing less, as I am a sinner. Look, +then,--see now; they tell ye, the gentlemen don't care for the like of +ye! but see for yourselves. May I trouble y'r lordship to pass the plate +to Mr. Mahony--he's impatient, I see." + +Mr. Mahony, about whom I perceived very little of the impatience alluded +to, was a grim-looking old Christian, in a rabbit-skin waistcoat, with +long flaps, who fumbled in the recesses of his breeches pocket for five +minutes, and then drew forth three shillings, which he laid upon the +plate, with what I fancied very much resembled a sigh. + +"Six and sixpence, is it? or five shillings?--all the same, Mr. Mahony, +and I'll not forget the thrifle you were speaking about this morning any +way;" and here he leaned over as interceding with me for him, but in +reality to whisper into my ear, "the greatest miser from this to +Castlebar." + +"Who's that put down the half guinea in goold?" (And this time he spoke +truth.) "Who's that, I say?" + +"Tim Kennedy, your reverence," said Tim, stroking his hair down with one +hand, and looking proud and modest at the same moment. + +"Tim, ye're a credit to us any day, and I always said so. It's a gauger +he'd like to be, my lord," said he, turning to me, in a kind of stage +whisper. I nodded and muttered something, when he thanked me most +profoundly as if his suit had prospered. + +"Mickey Oulahan--the lord's looking at ye, Mickey." This was said +piannisime across the table, and had the effect of increasing Mr. +Oulahan's donation from five shillings to seven--the last two being +pitched in very much in the style of a gambler making his final coup, and +crying "va banque." "The Oulahans were always dacent people--dacent +people, my lord." + +"Be gorra, the Oulahans was niver dacenter nor the Molowneys, any how," +said a tall athletic young fellow, as he threw down three crown pieces, +with an energy that made every coin leap from the plate. + +"They'll do now," said Father Brennan; "I'll leave them to themselves;" +and truly the eagerness to get the plate and put down the subscription, +fully equalled the rapacious anxiety I have witnessed in an old maid at +loo, to get possession of a thirty-shilling pool, be the same more or +less, which lingered on its way to her, in the hands of many a fair +competitor. + +"Mr. M'Neesh"--Curzon had hitherto escaped all notice--"Mr. M'Neesh, to +your good health," cried Father Brennan. "It's many a secret they'll be +getting out o'ye down there about the Scotch husbandry." + +Whatever poor Curzon knew of "drills," certainly did not extend to them +when occupied by turnips. This allusion of the priest's being caught up +by the party at the foot of the table, they commenced a series of +inquiries into different Scotch plans of tillage--his brief and +unsatisfactory answers to which, they felt sure, were given in order to +evade imparting information. By degrees, as they continued to press him +with questions, his replies grew more short, and a general feeling of +dislike on both sides was not very long in following. + +The father saw this, and determining with his usual tact to repress it, +called on the adjutant for a song. Now, whether he had but one in the +world, or whether he took this mode of retaliating for the annoyances he +had suffered, I know not; but true it is, he finished his tumbler at a +draught, and with a voice of no very peculiar sweetness, though +abundantly loud, began "The Boyne Water." + +He had just reached the word "battle," in the second line upon which he +was bestowing what he meant to be a shake, when, as if the word suggested +it, it seemed the signal for a general engagement. Decanters, glasses, +jugs, candlesticks,--aye, and the money-dish, flew right and left--all +originally intended, it is true, for the head of the luckless adjutant, +but as they now and then missed their aim, and came in contact with the +"wrong man," invariably provoked retaliation, and in a very few minutes +the battle became general. + +What may have been the doctor's political sentiments on this occasion, I +cannot even guess; but he seemed bent upon performing the part of a +"convivial Lord Stanley," and maintaining a dignified neutrality. With +this apparent object, he mounted upon the table, to raise himself, I +suppose, above the din and commotion of party clamour, and brandishing a +jug of scalding water, bestowed it with perfect impartiality on the +combatants on either side. This Whig plan of conciliation, however well +intended, seemed not to prosper with either party; and many were the +missiles directed at the ill-starred doctor. Meanwhile Father Malachi, +whether following the pacific instinct of his order, in seeking an asylum +in troublesome times, or equally moved by old habit to gather coin in low +places, (much of the money having fallen,) was industriously endeavouring +to insert himself beneath the table; in this, with one vigorous push, he +at last succeeded, but in so doing lifted it from its legs, and thus +destroying poor "Fin's" gravity, precipitated him, jug and all, into the +thickest part of the fray, where he met with that kind reception such a +benefactor ever receives at the hands of a grateful public. I meanwhile +hurried to rescue poor Curzon, who, having fallen to the ground, was +getting a cast of his features taken in pewter, for such seemed the +operation a stout farmer was performing on the adjutant's face with a +quart. With considerable difficulty, notwithstanding my supposed +"lordship," I succeeded in freeing him from his present position; and he +concluding, probably, that enough had been done for one "sitting," most +willingly permitted me to lead him from the room. I was soon joined by +the doctor, who assisted me in getting my poor friend to bed; which being +done, he most eagerly entreated me to join the company. This, however, +I firmly but mildly declined, very much to his surprise; for as he +remarked--"They'll all be like lambs now, for they don't believe there's +a whole bone in his body." + +Expressing my deep sense of the Christian-like forbearance of the party, +I pleaded fatigue, and bidding him good night, adjourned to my bed-room; +and here, although the arrangements fell somewhat short of the luxurious +ones appertaining to my late apartment at Callonby, they were most +grateful at the moment; and having "addressed myself to slumber," fell +fast asleep, and only awoke late on the following morning to wonder where +I was: from any doubts as to which I was speedily relieved by the +entrance of the priest's bare-footed "colleen," to deposit on my table a +bottle of soda water, and announce breakfast, with his reverence's +compliments. + +Having made a hasty toilet, I proceeded to the parlour, which, however +late events might have impressed upon my memory, I could scarcely +recognise. Instead of the long oak table and the wassail bowl, there +stood near the fire a small round table, covered with a snow--white +cloth, upon which shone in unrivalled brightness a very handsome tea +equipage--the hissing kettle on one hob was vis a vis'd by a gridiron +with three newly taken trout, frying under the reverential care of Father +Malachi himself--a heap of eggs ranged like shot in an ordnance yard, +stood in the middle of the table, while a formidable pile of buttered +toast browned before the grate--the morning papers were airing upon the +hearth--every thing bespoke that attention to comfort and enjoyment one +likes to discover in the house where chance may have domesticated him for +a day or two. + +"Good morning, Mr. Lorrequer. I trust you have rested well," said Father +Malachi as I entered. + +"Never better; but where are our friends?" + +"I have been visiting and comforting them in their affliction, and I may +with truth assert it is not often my fortune to have three as sickly +looking guests. That was a most unlucky affair last night, and I must +apologise." + +"Don't say a word, I entreat; I saw how it all occurred, and am quite +sure if it had not been for poor Curzon's ill-timed melody--" + +"You are quite right," said the father interrupting me. "Your friend's +taste for music--bad luck to it--was the 'teterrima causa belli.'" + +"And the subscription," said I; "how did it succeed?" + +"Oh, the money went in the commotion; and although I have got some seven +pounds odd shillings of it, the war was a most expensive one to me. I +caught old Mahony very busy under the table during the fray; but let us +say no more about it now--draw over your chair. Tea or coffee? there's +the rum if you like it 'chasse.'" + +I immediately obeyed the injunction, and commenced a vigorous assault +upon the trout, caught, as he informed me, "within twenty perches of the +house." + +"Your poor friend's nose is scarcely regimental," said he, "this morning; +and as for Fin, he was never remarkable for beauty, so, though they might +cut and hack, they could scarcely disfigure him, as Juvenal says--isn't +it Juvenal? + +"'Vacuus viator cantabit ante Latronem;' + +"or in the vernacular: + +"'The empty traveller may whistle +Before the robber and his pistil' (pistol)." + +"There's the Chili vinegar--another morsel of the trout?" + +"I thank you; what excellent coffee, Father Malachi!" + +"A secret I learned at St. Omer's some thirty years since. Any letters, +Bridget?"--to a damsel that entered with a pacquet in her hand. + +"A gossoon from Kilrush, y'r reverence, with a bit of a note for the +gentleman there." + +"For me!--ah, true enough. Harry Lorrequer, Esq. Kilrush--try +Carrigaholt." So ran the superscription--the first part being in a +lady's handwriting; the latter very like the "rustic paling" of the +worthy Mrs. Healy's style. The seal was a large one, bearing a coronet +at top, and the motto in old Norman--French, told me it came from +Callonby. + +With what a trembling hand and beating heart I broke it open, and yet +feared to read it--so much of my destiny might be in that simple page. +For once in my life my sanguine spirit failed me; my mind could take in +but one casualty, that Lady Jane had divulged to her family the nature of +my attentions, and that in the letter before me lay a cold mandate of +dismissal from her presence for ever. + +At last I summoned courage to read it; but having scrupled to present to +my readers the Reverend Father Brennan at the tail of a chapter, let me +not be less punctilious in the introduction of her ladyship's billet. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +THE LADY'S LETTER--PETER AND HIS ACQUAINTANCES--TOO LATE. + +Her ladyship's letter ran thus-- + +"Callonby, Tuesday morning. + +"My dear Mr. Lorrequer,--My lord has deputed me to convey to you our +adieus, and at the same time to express our very great regret that we +should not have seen you before out departure from Ireland. A sudden +call of the House, and some unexpected ministerial changes, require Lord +Callonby's immediate presence in town; and probably before this reaches +you we shall be on the road. Lord Kilkee, who left us yesterday, was +much distressed at not having seen you--he desired me to say you shall +hear from him from Leamington. Although writing amid all the haste +and bustle of departure, I must not forget the principal part of my +commission, nor lady-like defer it to a postscript: my lord entreats that +you will, if possible, pass a month or two with us in London this season; +make any use of his name you think fit at the Horse-Guards, where he has +some influence. Knowing as I do, with what kindness you ever accede to +the wishes of your friends, I need not say how much gratification this +will afford us all; but, sans response, we expect you. Believe me to +remain, yours very sincerely, + +"Charlotte Callonby." + +"P.S.--We are all quite well, except Lady Jane, who has a slight cold, +and has been feverish for the last day or two." + + +Words cannot convey any idea of the torrent of contending emotions under +which I perused this letter. The suddenness of the departure, without an +opportunity of even a moment's leave-taking, completely unmanned me. +What would I not have given to be able to see her once more, even for an +instant--to say "a good bye"--to watch the feeling with which she parted +from me, and augur from it either favourably to my heart's dearest hope, +or darkest despair. As I continued to read on, the kindly tone of the +remainder reassured me, and when I came to the invitation to London, +which plainly argued a wish on their part to perpetuate the intimacy, +I was obliged to read it again and again, before I could convince myself +of its reality. There it was, however, most distinctly and legibly +impressed in her ladyship's fairest calligraphy; and certainly great as +was its consequence to me at the time, it by no means formed the +principal part of the communication. The two lines of postscript +contained more, far more food for hopes and fears than did all the +rest of the epistle. + +Lady Jane was ill then, slightly however--a mere cold; true, but she was +feverish. I could not help asking myself what share had I causing that +flushed cheek and anxious eye, and pictured to myself, perhaps with more +vividness than reality, a thousand little traits of manner, all proofs +strong as holy writ to my sanguine mind, that my affection was returned, +and that I loved not in vain. Again and again I read over the entire +letter; never truly did a nisi prius lawyer con over a new act of +parliament with more searching ingenuity, to detect its hidden meaning, +than did I to unravel through its plain phraseology the secret intention +of the writer towards me. + +There is an old and not less true adage, that what we wish we readily +believe; and so with me--I found myself an easy convert to my own hopes +and desires, and actually ended by persuading myself--no very hard task +--that my Lord Callonby had not only witnessed but approved of my +attachment to his beautiful daughter, and for reasons probably known to +him, but concealed from me, opined that I was a suitable "parti," and +gave all due encouragement to my suit. The hint about using his +lordship's influence at the Horse guards I resolved to benefit by; not, +however, in obtaining leave of absence, which I hoped to accomplish more +easily, but with his good sanction in pushing my promotion, when I +claimed him as my right honorable father-in-law--a point, on the +propriety of which, I had now fully satisfied myself. What visions of +rising greatness burst upon my mind, as I thought on the prospect that +opened before me; but here let me do myself the justice to record, that +amid all my pleasure and exultation, my proudest thought, was in the +anticipation of possessing one in every way so much my superior--the very +consciousness of which imparted a thrill of fear to my heart, that such +good fortune was too much even to hope for. + +How long I might have luxuriated in such Chateaux en Espagne, heaven +knows; thick and thronging fancies came abundantly to my mind, and it +was with something of the feeling of the porter in the Arabian Nights, +as he surveyed the fragments of his broken ware, hurled down in a moment +of glorious dreaminess, that I turned to look at the squat and +unaristocratic figure of Father Malachi, as he sat reading his newspaper +before the fire. How came I in such company; methinks the Dean of +Windsor, or the Bishop of Durham had been a much more seemly associate +for one destined as I was for the flood-tide of the world's favour. + +My eye at this instant rested upon the date of the letter, which was that +of the preceding morning, and immediately a thought struck me that, as +the day was a louring and gloomy one, perhaps they might have deferred +their journey, and I at once determined to hasten to Callonby, and, if +possible, see them before their departure. + +"Father Brennan," said I, at length, "I have just received a letter which +compels me to reach Kilrush as soon as possible. Is there any public +conveyance in the village?" + +"You don't talk of leaving us, surely," said the priest, "and a haunch of +mutton for dinner, and Fin says he'll be down, and your friend, too, and +we'll have poor Beamish in on a sofa." + +"I am sorry to say my business will not admit of delay, but, if possible, +I shall return to thank you for all you kindness, in a day or two +--perhaps tomorrow." + +"Oh, then," said Father Brennan, "if it must be so, why you can have +'Pether,' my own pad, and a better you never laid leg over; only give him +his own time, and let him keep the 'canter,' and he'll never draw up from +morning till night; and now I'll just go and have him in readiness for +you." + +After professing my warm acknowledgments to the good father for his +kindness, I hastened to take a hurried farewell of Curzon before going. +I found him sitting up in bed taking his breakfast; a large strip of +black plaster, extending from the corner of one eye across the nose, and +terminating near the mouth, denoted the locale of a goodly wound, while +the blue, purple and yellow patches into which his face was partitioned +out, left you in doubt whether he now resembled the knave of clubs or a +new map of the Ordnance survey; one hand was wrapped up in a bandage, and +altogether a more rueful and woe-begone looking figure I have rarely +looked upon; and most certainly I am of opinion that the "glorious, pious +and immortal memory" would have brought pleasanter recollections to +Daniel O'Connell himself, than it would on that morning to the adjutant +of his majesty's 4_th. + +"Ah, Harry," said he, as I entered, "what Pandemonium is this we've got +into? did you ever witness such a business as last night's?" + +"Why truly," said I, "I know of no one to blame but yourself; surely you +must have known what a fracas your infernal song would bring on." + +"I don't know now whether I knew it or not; but certainly at the moment +I should have preferred anything to the confounded cross-examination I +was under, and was glad to end it by any coup d'etat. One wretch was +persecuting me about green crops, and another about the feeding of +bullocks; about either of which I knew as much as a bear does of a +ballet." + +"Well, truly, you caused a diversion at some expense to your countenance, +for I never beheld anything--" + +"Stop there," said he, "you surely have not seen the doctor--he beats me +hollow--they have scarcely left so much hair on his head as would do for +an Indian's scalp lock; and, of a verity, his aspect is awful this +morning; he has just been here, and by-the-bye has told me all about your +affair with Beamish. It appears that somewhere you met him at dinner, +and gave a very flourishing account of a relative of his who you informed +him was not only selected for some very dashing service, but actually the +personal friend of Picton; and, after the family having blazed the matter +all over Cork, and given a great entertainment in honor of their kinsman, +it turns out that, on the glorious 19th, he ran away to Brussels faster +than even the French to Charleroi; for which act, however, there was no +aspersion ever cast upon his courage, that quality being defended at the +expense of his honesty; in a word, he was the paymaster of the company, +and had what Theodore Hook calls an 'affection of his chest,' that +required change of air. Looking only to the running away part of the +matter, I unluckily expressed some regret that he did not belong to the +North Cork, and I remarked the doctor did not seem to relish the +allusion, and as I only now remember, it was his regiment, I suppose +I'm in for more mischief." + +I had no time to enjoy Curzon's dilemma, and had barely informed him of +my intended departure, when a voice from without the room proclaimed that +"Pether" was ready, and having commissioned the adjutant to say the +"proper" to Mr. Beamish and the doctor, hurried away, and after a hearty +shake of the hand from Father Brennan, and a faithful promise to return +soon, I mounted and set off. + +Peter's pace was of all others the one least likely to disturb the +lucubrations of a castle-builder like myself; without any admonition from +whip or spur he maintained a steady and constant canter, which, I am free +to confess, was more agreeable to sit, than it was graceful to behold; +for his head being much lower than his tail, he every moment appeared in +the attitude of a diver about to plunge into the water, and more than +once I had misgivings that I would consult my safety better if I sat with +my face to the tail; however, what will not habit accomplish? before I +had gone a mile or two, I was so lost in my own reveries and reflections, +that I knew nothing of my mode of progression, and had only thoughts and +feelings for the destiny that awaited me; sometimes I would fancy myself +seated in the House of Commons, (on the ministerial benches, of course,) +while some leading oppositionist was pronouncing a glowing panegyric upon +the eloquent and statesmanlike speech of the gallant colonel--myself; +then I thought I was making arrangements for setting out for my new +appointment, and Sancho Panza never coveted the government of an island +more than I did, though only a West Indian one; and, lastly, I saw myself +the chosen diplomate on a difficult mission, and was actually engaged in +the easy and agreeable occupation of outmaneuvering Talleyrand and Pozzo +di Borgo, when Peter suddenly drew up at the door of a small cabin, and +convinced me that I was still a mortal man, and a lieutenant in his +Majesty's 4_th. Before I had time afforded me even to guess at the +reason of this sudden halt, an old man emerged from the cabin, which I +saw now was a road-side ale-house, and presented Peter with a bucket of +meal and water, a species of "viaticum" that he evidently was accustomed +to, at this place, whether bestrode by a priest or an ambassador. Before +me lay a long straggling street of cabins, irregularly thrown, as if +riddled over the ground; this I was informed was Kilkee; while my good +steed, therefore, was enjoying his potation, I dismounted, to stretch my +legs and look about me, and scarcely had I done so when I found half the +population of the village assembled round Peter, whose claims to +notoriety, I now learned, depended neither upon his owner's fame, nor +even my temporary possession of him. Peter, in fact, had been a racer, +once--when, the wandering Jew might perhaps have told, had he ever +visited Clare--for not the oldest inhabitant knew the date of his +triumphs on the turf; though they were undisputed traditions, and never +did any man appear bold enough to call them in question: whether it was +from his patriarchal character, or that he was the only race-horse ever +known in his county I cannot say, but, of a truth, the Grand Lama could +scarcely be a greater object of reverence in Thibet, than was Peter in +Kilkee. + +"Musha, Peter, but it's well y'r looking," cried one. + +"Ah, thin, maybe ye an't fat on the ribs," cried another. + +"An' cockin' his tail like a coult," said a third. + +I am very certain, if I might venture to judge from the faces about, +that, had the favourite for the St. Leger, passed through Kilkee at that +moment, comparisons very little to his favor had been drawn from the +assemblage around me. With some difficulty I was permitted to reach my +much admired steed, and with a cheer, which was sustained and caught up +by every denizen of the village as I passed through, I rode on my way, +not a little amused at my equivocal popularity. + +Being desirous to lose no time, I diverged from the straight road which +leads to Kilrush, and took a cross bridle-path to Callonby; this, I +afterwards discovered was a detour of a mile or two, and it was already +sun-set when I reached the entrance to the park. I entered the avenue, +and now my impatience became extreme, for although Peter continued to +move at the same uniform pace, I could not persuade myself that he was +not foundering at every step, and was quite sure we were scarcely +advancing; at last I reached the wooden bridge, and ascended the steep +slope, the spot where I had first met her, on whom my every thought now +rested. I turned the angle of the clump of beech trees from whence the +first view of the house is caught--I perceived to my inexpressible +delight that gleams of light shone from many of the windows, and could +trace their passing from one to the other. I now drew rein, and with a +heart relieved from a load of anxiety, pulled up my good steed, and began +to think of the position in which a few brief seconds would place me. +I reached the small flower-garden, sacred by a thousand endearing +recollections. Oh! of how very little account are the many words of +passing kindness, and moments of light-hearted pleasure, when spoken or +felt, compared to the memory of them when hallowed by time or distance. + +"The place, the hour, the sunshine and the shade," all reminded me of the +happy past, and all brought vividly before me every portion of that dream +of happiness in which I was so utterly--so completely steeped--every +thought of the hopelessness of my passion was lost in the intensity of +it, and I did not, in the ardour of my loving, stop to think of its +possible success. + +It was strange enough that the extreme impatience, the hurried anxiety, I +had felt and suffered from, while riding up the avenue, had now fled +entirely, and in its place I felt nothing but a diffident distrust of +myself, and a vague sense of awkwardness about intruding thus +unexpectedly upon the family, while engaged in all the cares and +preparations for a speedy departure. The hall-door lay as usual wide +open, the hall itself was strewn and littered with trunks, imperials, +and packing-cases, and the hundred et ceteras of travelling baggage. +I hesitated a moment whether I should not ring, but at last resolved to +enter unannounced, and, presuming upon my intimacy, see what effect my +sudden appearance would have on Lady Jane, whose feelings towards me +would be thus most unequivocally tested. I passed along the wide +corridor, entered the music-room--it was still--I walked then to the door +of the drawing-room--I paused--I drew a full breath--my hand trembled +slightly as I turned the lock--I entered--the room was empty, but the +blazing fire upon the hearth, the large arm-chairs drawn around, the +scattered books upon the small tables, all told that it had been +inhabited a very short time before. Ah! thought I, looking at my watch, +they are at dinner, and I began at once to devise a hundred different +plans to account for my late absence and present visit. I knew that a +few minutes would probably bring them into the drawing-room, and I felt +flurried and heated as the time drew near. At last I heard voices +without--I started from the examination of a pencil drawing but partly +finished, but the artist of which I could not be deceived in--I listened +--the sounds drew near--I could not distinguish who were the speakers +--the door-lock turned, and I rose to make my well-conned, but +half-forgotten speech; and oh, confounded disappointment, Mrs. Herbert, +the house-keeper, entered. She started, not expecting to see me, and +immediately said, + +"Oh! Mr. Lorrequer! then you've missed them." + +"Missed them!" said I; "how--when--where?" + +"Did you not get a note from my lord?" + +"No; when was it written?" + +"Oh, dear me, that is so very unfortunate. Why, sir, my lord sent off a +servant this morning to Kilrush, in Lord Kilkee's tilbury, to request you +would meet them all in Ennis this evening, where they had intended to +stop for to-night; and they waited here till near four o'clock to-day, +but when the servant came back with the intelligence that you were from +home, and not expected to return soon, they were obliged to set out, and +are not going to make any delay now, till they reach London. The last +direction, however, my lord gave, was to forward her ladyship's letter to +you as soon as possible." + +What I thought, said, or felt, might be a good subject of confession to +Father Malachi, for I fear it may be recorded among my sins, as I doubt +not that the agony I suffered vented itself in no measured form of speech +or conduct; but I have nothing to confess here on the subject, being so +totally overwhelmed as not to know what I did or said. My first gleam of +reason elicited itself by asking, + +"Is there, then, no chance of their stopping in Ennis to-night?" As I +put the question my mind reverted to Peter and his eternal canter. + +"Oh, dear, no, sir; the horses are ordered to take them, since Tuesday; +and they only thought of staying in Ennis, if you came time enough to +meet them--and they will be so sorry." + +"Do you think so, Mrs. Herbert? do you, indeed, think so?" said I, in a +most insinuating tone. + +"I am perfectly sure of it, sir." + +"Oh, Mrs. Herbert, you are too kind to think so; but perhaps--that is +--may be, Mrs. Herbert, she said something--" + +"Who, sir?" + +"Lady Callonby, I mean; did her ladyship leave any message for me about +her plants? or did she remember--" + +Mrs. Herbert kept looking at me all the time, with her great wide grey +eyes, while I kept stammering and blushing like a school-boy. + +"No, sir; her ladyship said nothing, sir; but Lady Jane--" + +"Yes; well, what of Lady Jane, my dear Mrs. Herbert?" + +"Oh, sir! but you look pale; would not you like to have a little wine and +water--or perhaps--" + +"No, thank you, nothing whatever; I am just a little fatigued--but you +were mentioning--" + +"Yes, sir; I was saying that Lady Jane was mighty particular about a +small plant; she ordered it to be left in her dressing-room, though +Collins told her to have some of the handsome ones of the green-house, +she would have nothing but this; and if you were only to hear half the +directions she gave about keeping it watered, and taking off dead leaves, +you'd think her heart was set on it." + +Mrs. Herbert would have had no cause to prescribe for my paleness had she +only looked at me this time; fortunately, however, she was engaged, +housekeeper-like, in bustling among books, papers, &c. which she had come +in for the purpose of arranging and packing up. She being left behind to +bring up the rear, and the heavy baggage. + +Very few moments' consideration were sufficient to show me that pursuit +was hopeless; whatever might have been Peter's performance in the reign +of "Queen Anne," he had now become like the goose so pathetically +described by my friend Lover, rather "stiff in his limbs," and the odds +were fearfully against his overtaking four horses, starting fresh every +ten miles, not to mention their being some hours in advance already. +Having declined all Mrs. Herbert's many kind offers, anent food and rest, +I took a last lingering look at the beautiful pictures, which still held +its place in the room lately mine, and hurried from a place so full of +recollections; and, notwithstanding the many reasons I had for +self-gratulation, every object around and about, filled me with sorrow +and regret for hours that had passed--never, never to return. + +It was very late when I reached my old quarters at Kilrush; Mrs. Healy +fortunately was in bed asleep--fortunately I say, for had she selected +that occasion to vent her indignation for my long absence, I greatly fear +that, in my then temper I should have exhibited but little of that +Job-like endurance for which I was once esteemed; I entered my little +mean-looking parlour, with its three chairs and lame table, and, as I +flung myself upon the wretched substitute for a sofa, and thought upon +the varied events which a few weeks had brought about; it required the +aid of her ladyship's letter, which I opened before me, to assure me I +was not dreaming. + +The entire of that night I could not sleep; my destiny seemed upon its +balance; and, whether the scale inclined to this side or that, good or +evil fortune seemed to betide me. How many were my plans and +resolutions, and how often abandoned; again to be pondered over, and once +more given up. The grey dawn of the morning was already breaking, and +found me still doubting and uncertain. At last the die was thrown; I +determined at once to apply for leave to my commanding officer, (which he +could, if he pleased, give me, without any application to the Horse +Guards,) set out for Elton, tell Sir Guy my whole adventure, and +endeavour, by a more moving love story than ever graced even the Minerva +Press, to induce him to make some settlement on me, and use his influence +with Lord Callonby in my behalf; this done, set out for London, and then +--and then--what then?--then for the Morning Post--"Cadeau de noces" +--"happy couple"--"Lord Callonby's seat in Hampshire," &c. &c. + +"You wished to be called at five, sir," said Stubber. + +"Yes; is it five o'clock?" + +"No, sir; but I heard you call out something about 'four horses,' and I +thought you might be hurried, so I came a little earlier." + +"Quite right, Stubber; let me have my breakfast as soon as possible, and +see that chestnut horse I brought here last night, fed." + +"And now for it," said I, after writing a hurried note to Curzon, +requesting him to take command of my party at Kilrush, till he heard from +me, and sending my kindest remembrance to my three friends; I despatched +the epistle by my servant on Peter, while I hastened to acquire a place in +the mail for Ennis, on the box seat of which let my kind reader suppose +me seated, as wrapping my box-coat around me, I lit my cigar and turned +my eyes towards Limerick. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +CONGRATULATIONS--SICK LEAVE--HOW TO PASS THE BOARD. + +I had scarcely seated myself to breakfast at Swinburn's hotel in +Limerick, when the waiter presented me with a letter. As my first glance +at the address showed it to be in Colonel Carden's handwriting, I felt +not a little alarmed for the consequences of the rash step I had taken in +leaving my detachment; and, while quickly thronging fancies of arrest and +courtmartial flitted before me, I summoned resolution at last to break +the seal, and read as follows:-- + + "My dear Lorrequer," ("dear Lorrequer!" dear me, thought I; cool + certainly, from one I have ever regarded as an open enemy)--"My dear + Lorrequer, I have just accidentally heard of your arrival here, and + hasten to inform you, that, as it may not be impossible your reasons + for so abruptly leaving your detachment are known to me, I shall not + visit your breach of discipline very heavily. My old and worthy + friend, Lord Callonby, who passed through here yesterday, has so + warmly interested himself in your behalf, that I feel disposed to do + all in my power to serve you; independently of my desire to do so on + your own account. Come over here, then, as soon as possible, and + let us talk over your plans together. + + "Believe me, most truly yours, + "Henry Carden. + "Barracks, 10 o'clock." + +However mysterious and difficult to unravel, have been some of the +circumstances narrated in these "Confessions," I do not scruple to avow +that the preceding letter was to me by far the most inexplicable piece of +fortune I had hitherto met with. That Lord Callonby should have +converted one whom I believed an implacable foe, into a most obliging +friend, was intelligible enough, seeing that his lordship had through +life been the patron of the colonel; but why he had so done, and what +communications he could possibly have made with regard to me, that +Colonel Carden should speak of "my plans" and proffer assistance in them +was a perfect riddle; and the only solution, one so ridiculously +flattering that I dared not think of it. I read and re-read the note; +misplaced the stops; canvassed every expression; did all to detect a +meaning different from the obvious one, fearful of a self-deception where +so much was at stake. Yet there it stood forth, a plain straightforward +proffer of services, for some object evidently known to the writer; and +my only conclusion, from all, was this, that "my Lord Callonby was the +gem of his order, and had a most remarkable talent for selecting a +son-in-law." + +I fell into a deep reverie upon my past life, and the prospects which I +now felt were opening before me. Nothing seemed extravagant to hopes so +well founded--to expectations so brilliant--and, in my mind's eye, I +beheld myself at one moment leading my young and beautiful bride through +the crowded salons of Devonshire House; and, at the next, I was +contemplating the excellence and perfection of my stud arrangements at +Melton, for I resolved not to give up hunting. While in this pleasurable +exercise of my fancy, I was removing from before me some of the breakfast +equipage, or, as I then believed it, breaking the trees into better +groups upon my lawn, I was once more brought to the world and its dull +reality, by the following passage which my eye fell upon in the newspaper +before me--"We understand that the 4_th are daily expecting the route for +Cork, from whence they are to sail, early in the ensuing month for +Halifax, to relieve the 99th." While it did not take a moment's +consideration to show me that though the regiment there mentioned was the +one I belonged to, I could have no possible interest in the announcement; +it never coming into my calculation that I should submit to such +expatriation; yet it gave me a salutary warning that there was no time +to be lost in making my application for leave, which, once obtained, +I should have ample time to manage an exchange into another corps. +The wonderful revolution a few days had effected in all my tastes and +desires, did not escape me at this moment. But a week or two before and +I should have regarded an order for foreign service as anything rather +than unpleasant--now the thought was insupportable. Then there would +have been some charm to me in the very novelty of the locale, and the +indulgence of that vagrant spirit I have ever possessed; for, like +Justice Woodcock, "I certainly should have been a vagabond if Providence +had not made me a justice of the peace"--now, I could not even +contemplate the thing as possible; and would have actually refused the +command of a regiment, if the condition of its acceptance were to sail +for the colonies. + +Besides, I tried--and how ingenious is self-deception--I tried to find +arguments in support of my determination totally different from the +reasons which governed me. I affected to fear climate, and to dread the +effect of the tropics upon my health. It may do very well, thought I, +for men totally destitute of better prospects; with neither talent, +influence or powerful connexion, to roast their cheeks at Sierra Leone, +or suck a sugar-cane at St. Lucia. But that you, Harry Lorrequer, should +waste your sweetness upon planters' daughters--that have only to be +known, to have the world at your feet! The thing is absurd, and not to +be thought of! Yes, said I half aloud--we read in the army list, that +Major A. is appointed to the 50th, and Capt. B. to the 12th; but how much +more near the truth would it be, to say--"That His Majesty, in +consideration of the distinguished services of the one, has been +graciously pleased to appoint him to--a case of blue and collapsed +cholera, in India; and also, for the bravery and gallant conduct of the +other, in his late affair with the 'How-dow-dallah Indians,' has promoted +him to the--yellow fever now devastating and desolating Jamaica." How +far my zeal for the service might have carried me on this point, I know +not; for I was speedily aroused from my musings by the loud tramp of feet +upon the stairs, and the sound of many well-known voices of my brother +officers, who were coming to visit me. + +"So, Harry, my boy," said the fat major as he entered; "is it true we are +not to have the pleasure of your company to Jamaica this time?" + +"He prefers a pale face, it seems, to a black one; and certainly, with +thirty thousand in the same scale, the taste is excusable." + +"But, Lorrequer," said a third, "we heard that you had canvassed the +county on the Callonby interest. Why, man, where do you mean to pull +up?" + +"As for me," lisped a large-eyed, white-haired ensign of three months' +standing, "I think it devilish hard, old Carden didn't send ME down +there, too, for I hear there are two girls in the family. Eh, +Lorrequer?" + +Having with all that peculiar bashfulness such occasions are sure to +elicit, disclaimed the happiness my friends so clearly ascribed to me, +I yet pretty plainly let it be understood that the more brilliant they +supposed my present prospects to be, the more near were they to estimate +them justly. One thing certainly gratified me throughout. All seemed +rejoiced at my good fortune, and even the old Scotch paymaster made no +more caustic remark than that he "wad na wonder if the chiel's black +whiskers wad get him made governor of Stirling Castle before he'd dee." + +Should any of my most patient listeners to these my humble confessions, +wonder either here, or elsewhere, upon what very slight foundations I +built these my "Chateaux en Espagne," I have only one answer--"that from +my boyhood I have had a taste for florid architecture, and would rather +put up with any inconvenience of ground, than not build at all." + +As it was growing late I hurriedly bade adieu to my friends, and hastened +to Colonel Carden's quarters, where I found him waiting for me, in +company with my old friend, Fitzgerald, our regimental surgeon. Our +first greetings over, the colonel drew me aside into a window, and said +that, from certain expressions Lord Callonby had made use of--certain +hints he had dropped--he was perfectly aware of the delicate position in +which I stood with respect to his lordship's family. "In fact, my dear +Lorrequer," he continued, "without wishing in the least to obtrude myself +upon your confidence, I must yet be permitted to say, you are the +luckiest fellow in Europe, and I most sincerely congratulate you on the +prospect before you." + +"But, my dear Colonel, I assure you--" + +"Well, well, there--not a word more; don't blush now. I know there is +always a kind of secrecy thought necessary on these occasions, for the +sake of other parties; so let us pass to your plans. From what I have +collected, you have not yet proposed formally. But, of course you desire +a leave. You'll not quit the army, I trust; no necessity for that; such +influence as yours can always appoint you to an unattached commission." + +"Once more let me protest, sir, that though for certain reasons most +desirous to obtain a leave of absence, I have not the most remote--" + +"That's right, quite right; I am sincerely gratified to hear you say so, +and so will be Lord Callonby; for he likes the service." + +And thus was my last effort at a disclaimer cut short by the loquacious +little colonel, who regarded my unfinished sentence as a concurrence with +his own opinion. + +"Allah il Allah," thought I, "it is my Lord Callonby's own plot; and his +friend Colonel Cardon aids and abets him." + +"Now, Lorrequer," resumed the colonel, "let us proceed. You have, of +course, heard that we are ordered abroad; mere newspaper report for the +present; nevertheless, it is extremely difficult--almost impossible, +without a sick certificate, to obtain a leave sufficiently long for your +purpose." + +And here he smirked, and I blushed, selon les regles.. + +"A sick certificate," said I in some surprise. + +"The only thing for you," said Fitzgerald, taking a long pinch of snuff; +"and I grieve to say you have a most villainous look of good health about +you." + +"I must acknowledge I have seldom felt better." + +"So much the worse--so much the worse," said Fitzgerald despondingly. +"Is there no family complaint; no respectable heir-loom of infirmity, you +can lay claim to from your kindred?" + +"None, that I know of, unless a very active performance on the several +occasions of breakfast, dinner, and supper, with a tendency towards port, +and an inclination to sleep ten in every twenty-four hours, be a sign of +sickness; these symptoms I have known many of the family suffer for +years, without the slightest alleviation, though, strange as it may +appear, they occasionally had medical advice." + +Fitz. took no notice of my sneer at the faculty, but proceeded to strike +my chest several times, with his finger tips. "Try a short cough now," +said he. "Ah, that will never do!" + +"Do you ever flush. Before dinner I mean?" + +"Occasionally, when I meet with a luncheon." + +"I'm fairly puzzled," said poor Fitz. throwing himself into a chair; +"gout is a very good thing; but, then, you see you are only a sub., and +it is clearly against the articles of war, to have it before being a +field officer at least. Apoplexy is the best I can do for you; and, to +say the truth, any one who witnesses your performance at mess, may put +faith in the likelihood of it. + +"Do you think you could get up a fit for the medical board," said Fitz., +gravely. + +"Why, if absolutely indispensable," said I, "and with good instruction +--something this way. Eh, is it not?" + +"Nothing of the kind: you are quite wrong." + +"Is there not always a little laughing and crying," said I. + +"Oh, no, no; take the cue from the paymaster any evening after mess, and +you'll make no mistake--very florid about the cheeks; rather a lazy look +in one eye, the other closed up entirely; snore a little from time to +time, and don't be too much disposed to talk." + +"And you think I may pass muster in this way." + +"Indeed you may, if old Camie, the inspector, happen to be (what he is +not often) in a good humour. But I confess I'd rather you were really +ill, for we've passed a great number of counterfeits latterly, and we may +be all pulled up ere long." + +"Not the less grateful for your kindness," said I; "but still, I'd rather +matters stood as they do." + +Having, at length, obtained a very formidable statement of my 'case' from +the Doctor, and a strong letter from the Colonel, deploring the temporary +loss of so promising a young officer, I committed myself and my +portmanteau to the inside of his Majesty's mail, and started for Dublin +with as light a heart and high spirits, as were consistent with so much +delicacy of health, and the directions of my Doctor. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. + +THE ROAD--TRAVELLING ACQUAINTANCES--A PACKET ADVENTURE. + +I shall not stop now to narrate the particulars of my visit to the +worthies of the medical board; the rather, as some of my "confessions +to come" have reference to Dublin, and many of those that dwell therein. +I shall therefore content myself here with stating, that without any +difficulty I obtained a six months' leave, and having received much +advice and more sympathy from many members of that body, took a +respectful leave of them, and adjourned to Bilton's where I had ordered +dinner, and (as I was advised to live low) a bottle of Sneyd's claret. +My hours in Dublin were numbered; at eight o'clock on the evening of my +arrival I hastened to the Pidgeon House pier, to take my berth in the +packet for Liverpool; and here, gentle reader, let me implore you if you +have bowels of compassion, to commiserate the condition of a sorry mortal +like myself. In the days of which I now speak, steam packets were not +--men knew not then, of the pleasure of going to a comfortable bed in +Kingstown harbour, and waking on the morning after in the Clarence dock +at Liverpool, with only the addition of a little sharper appetite for +breakfast, before they set out on an excursion of forty miles per hour +through the air. + +In the time I have now to commemorate, the intercourse between the two +countries was maintained by two sailing vessels of small tonnage, and +still scantier accommodation. Of the one now in question I well +recollect the name--she was called the "Alert," and certainly a more +unfortunate misnomer could scarcely be conceived. Well, there was no +choice; so I took my place upon the crowded deck of the little craft, and +in a drizzling shower of chilly rain, and amid more noise, confusion, and +bustle, than would prelude the launch of a line-of-battle ship, we +"sidled," goose-fashion, from the shore, and began our voyage towards +England. + +It is not my intention, in the present stage of "my Confessions," to +delay on the road towards an event which influenced so powerfully, and so +permanently, my after life; yet I cannot refrain from chronicling a +slight incident which occurred on board the packet, and which, I have no +doubt, may be remembered by some of those who throw their eyes on these +pages. + +One of my fellow-passengers was a gentleman holding a high official +appointment in the viceregal court, either comptroller of the household, +master of the horse, or something else equally magnificent; however, +whatever the nature of the situation, one thing is certain--one possessed +of more courtly manners, and more polished address, cannot be conceived, +to which he added all the attractions of a very handsome person and a +most prepossessing countenance. The only thing the most scrupulous +critic could possibly detect as faulty in his whole air and bearing, was +a certain ultra refinement and fastidiousness, which in a man of +acknowledged family and connections was somewhat unaccountable, and +certainly unnecessary. The fastidiousness I speak of, extended to +everything round and about him; he never eat of the wrong dish, nor spoke +to the wrong man in his life, and that very consciousness gave him a kind +of horror of chance acquaintances, which made him shrink within himself +from persons in every respect his equals. Those who knew Sir Stewart +Moore, will know I do not exaggerate in either my praise or censure, and +to those who have not had that pleasure, I have only to say, theirs was +the loss, and they must take my word for the facts. + +The very antithesis to the person just mentioned, was another passenger +then on board. She, for even in sex they were different--she was a +short, squat, red-faced, vulgar-looking woman, of about fifty, possessed +of a most garrulous tendency, and talking indiscriminately with every one +about her, careless what reception her addresses met with, and quite +indifferent to the many rebuffs she momentarily encountered. To me by +what impulse driven Heaven knows this amorphous piece of womanhood seemed +determined to attach herself. Whether in the smoky and almost +impenetrable recesses of the cabin, or braving the cold and penetrating +rain upon deck, it mattered not, she was ever at my side, and not only +martyring me by the insufferable annoyance of her vulgar loquacity, but +actually, from the appearance of acquaintanceship such constant +association gave rise to, frightening any one else from conversing with +me, and rendering me, ere many hours, a perfect pariah among the +passengers. By not one were we--for, alas, we had become Siamese--so +thoroughly dreaded as by the refined baronet I have mentioned; he +appeared to shrink from our very approach, and avoided us as though we +had the plagues of Egypt about us. I saw this--I felt it deeply, and as +deeply and resolutely I vowed to be revenged, and the time was not long +distant in affording me the opportunity. + +The interesting Mrs. Mulrooney, for such was my fair companion called, +was on the present occasion making her debut on what she was pleased to +call the "says;" she was proceeding to the Liverpool market as proprietor +and supercargo over some legion of swine that occupied the hold of the +vessel, and whose mellifluous tones were occasionally heard in all +parts of the ship. Having informed me on these, together with some +circumstances of her birth and parentage, she proceeded to narrate some +of the cautions given by her friends as to her safety when making such a +long voyage, and also to detail some of the antiseptics to that dread +scourge, sea-sickness, in the fear and terror of which she had come on +board, and seemed every hour to be increasing in alarm about. + +"Do you think then sir, that pork is no good agin the sickness? Mickey, +that's my husband, sir, says it's the only thing in life for it, av it's +toasted." + +"Not the least use, I assure you." + +"Nor sperits and wather?" + +"Worse and worse, ma'am." + +"Oh, thin, maybe oaten mail tay would do? it's a beautiful thing for the +stomick, any how." + +"Rank poison on the present occasion, believe me." + +"Oh, then, blessed Mary, what am I to do--what is to become of me?" + +"Go down at once to your berth, ma'am; lie still and without speaking +till we come in sight of land; or," and here a bright thought seized me, +"if you really feel very ill, call for that man there, with the fur +collar on his coat; he can give you the only thing I ever knew of any +efficacy; he's the steward, ma'am, Stewart Moore; but you must be on your +guard too as you are a stranger, for he's a conceited fellow, and has +saved a trifle, and sets up for a half gentleman; so don't be surprised +at his manner; though, after all, you may find him very different; some +people, I've heard, think him extremely civil." + +"And he has a cure, ye say?" + +"The only one I ever heard of; it is a little cordial of which you take, +I don't know how much, every ten or fifteen minutes." + +"And the naygur doesn't let the saycret out, bad manners to him?" + +"No, ma'am; he has refused every offer on the subject.' + +"May I be so bowld as to ax his name again?" + +"Stewart Moore, ma'am. Moore is the name, but people always call him +Stewart Moore; just say that in a loud clear voice, and you'll soon have +him." + +With the most profuse protestations of gratitude and promises of pork "at +discretion," if I ever sojourned at Ballinasloe, my fair friend proceeded +to follow my advice, and descended to the cabin. + +Some hours after, I also betook myself to my rest, from which, however, +towards midnight I was awoke by the heavy working and pitching of the +little vessel, as she laboured in a rough sea. As I looked forth from my +narrow crib, a more woe-begone picture can scarcely be imagined than that +before me. Here and there through the gloomy cabin lay the victims of +the fell malady, in every stage of suffering, and in every attitude of +misery. Their cries and lamentings mingled with the creaking of the +bulk-heads and the jarring twang of the dirty lamp, whose irregular swing +told plainly how oscillatory was our present motion. I turned from the +unpleasant sight, and was about again to address myself to slumber with +what success I might, when I started at the sound of a voice in the very +berth next to me--whose tones, once heard, there was no forgetting. The +words ran as nearly as I can recollect thus:-- + +"Oh, then, bad luck to ye for pigs, that ever brought me into the like of +this. Oh, Lord, there it is again." And here a slight interruption to +eloquence took place, during which I was enabled to reflect upon the +author of the complaint, who, I need not say, was Mrs. Mulrooney. + +"I think a little tay would settle my stomach, if I only could get it; +but what's the use of talking in this horrid place? They never mind me +no more than if I was a pig. Steward, steward--oh, then, it's wishing +you well I am for a steward. Steward, I say;" and this she really did +say, with an energy of voice and manner that startled more than one +sleeper. "Oh, you're coming at last, steward." + +"Ma'am," said a little dapper and dirty personage, in a blue jacket, with +a greasy napkin negligently thrown over one arm "ex officio," "Ma'am, did +you call?" + +"Call, is it call? No; but I'm roaring for you this half hour. Come +here. Have you any of the cordial dhrops agin the sickness?--you know +what I mean." + +"Is it brandy, ma'am?" + +"No, it isn't brandy;" + +"We have got gin, ma'am, and bottled porter--cider, ma'am, if you like." + +"Agh, no! sure I want the dhrops agin the sickness." + +"Don't know indeed, ma'am." + +"Ah, you stupid creature; maybe you're not the real steward. What's your +name?" + +"Smith, ma'am." + +"Ah, I thought so; go away, man, go away." + +This injunction, given in a diminuendo cadence, was quickly obeyed, and +all was silence for a moment or two. Once more was I dropping asleep, +when the same voice as before burst out with-- + +"Am I to die here like a haythen, and nobody to come near me? Steward, +steward, steward Moore, I say," + +"Who calls me?" said a deep sonorous voice from the opposite side of the +cabin, while at the same instant a tall green silk nightcap, surmounting +a very aristocratic-looking forehead, appeared between the curtains of +the opposite berth. + +"Steward Moore," said the lady again, with her eyes straining in the +direction of the door by which she expected him to enter. + +"This is most strange," muttered the baronet, half aloud. "Why, madam, +you are calling me!" + +"And if I am," said Mrs. Mulrooney, "and if ye heerd me, have ye no +manners to answer your name, eh? Are ye steward Moore?" + +"Upon my soul ma'am I thought so last night, when I came on board; but +you really have contrived to make me doubt my own identity." + +"And is it there ye're lying on the broad of yer back, and me as sick as +a dog fornent ye?" + +"I concede ma'am the fact; the position is a most irksome one on every +account." + +"Then why don't ye come over to me?" and this Mrs. Mulrooney said with a +voice of something like tenderness--wishing at all hazards to conciliate +so important a functionary. + +"Why, really you are the most incomprehensible person I ever met." + +"I'm what?" said Mrs. Mulrooney, her blood rushing to her face and +temples as she spoke--for the same reason as her fair townswoman is +reported to have borne with stoical fortitude every harsh epithet of the +language, until it occurred to her opponent to tell her that "the divil a +bit better she was nor a pronoun;" so Mrs. Mulrooney, taking "omne +ignotum pro horribili," became perfectly beside herself at the unlucky +phrase. "I'm what? repate it av ye dare, and I'll tear yer eyes out? Ye +dirty bla--guard, to be lying there at yer ease under the blankets, +grinning at me. What's your thrade--answer me that--av it isn't to wait +on the ladies, eh?" + +"Oh, the woman must be mad," said Sir Stewart. + +"The devil a taste mad, my dear--I'm only sick. Now just come over to +me, like a decent creature, and give me the dhrop of comfort ye have. +Come, avick." + +"Go over to you?" + +"Ay, and why not? or if it's so lazy ye are, why then I'll thry and cross +over to your side." + +These words being accompanied by a certain indication of change of +residence on the part of Mrs. Mulrooney, Sir Stewart perceived there was +no time to lose, and springing from his berth, he rushed half-dressed +through the cabin, and up the companion-ladder, just as Mrs. Mulrooney +had protruded a pair of enormous legs from her couch, and hung for a +moment pendulous before she dropped upon the floor, and followed him to +the deck. A tremendous shout of laughter from the sailors and deck +passengers prevented my hearing the dialogue which ensued; nor do I yet +know how Mrs. Mulrooney learned her mistake. Certain it is, she no more +appeared among the passengers in the cabin, and Sir Stewart's manner the +following morning at breakfast amply satisfied me that I had had my +revenge. + + + + +CHAPTER X. + +UPSET--MIND--AND BODY. + +No sooner in Liverpool, than I hastened to take my place in the earliest +conveyance for London. At that time the Umpire Coach was the perfection +of fast travelling; and seated behind the box, enveloped in a sufficiency +of broad-cloth, I turned my face towards town with as much anxiety and as +ardent expectations as most of those about me. All went on in the +regular monotonous routine of such matters until we reached Northampton, +passing down the steep street of which town, the near wheel-horse +stumbled and fell; the coach, after a tremendous roll to one side, +toppled over on the other, and with a tremendous crash, and sudden shock, +sent all the outsides, myself among the number, flying through the air +like sea-gulls. As for me, after describing a very respectable parabola, +my angle of incidence landed me in a bonnet-maker's shop, having passed +through a large plate-glass window, and destroyed more leghorns and +dunstables than a year's pay would recompense. I have but light +recollection of the details of that occasion, until I found myself lying +in a very spacious bed at the George Inn, having been bled in both arms, +and discovering by the multitude of bandages in which I was enveloped, +that at least some of my bones were broken by the fall. That such fate +had befallen my collar-bone and three of my ribs I soon learned; and was +horror-struck at hearing from the surgeon who attended me, that four or +five weeks would be the very earliest period I could bear removal with +safety. Here then at once was a large deduction from my six months' +leave, not to think of the misery that awaited me for such a time, +confined to my bed in an inn, without books, friends, or acquaintances. +However even this could be remedied by patience, and summoning up all I +could command, I "bided my time," but not before I had completed a term +of two months' imprisonment, and had become, from actual starvation, +something very like a living transparency. + +No sooner, however, did I feel myself once more on the road, than my +spirits rose, and I felt myself as full of high hope and buoyant +expectancy as ever. It was late at night when I arrived in London. +I drove to a quiet hotel in the west-end; and the following morning +proceeded to Portman-square, bursting with impatience to see my friends +the Callonbys, and recount all my adventures--for as I was too ill to +write from Northampton, and did not wish to entrust to a stranger the +office of communicating with them, I judged that they must be exceedingly +uneasy on my account, and pictured to myself the thousand emotions my +appearance so indicative of illness would give rise to; and could +scarcely avoid running in my impatience to be once more among them. How +Lady Jane would meet me, I thought of over again and again; whether the +same cautious reserve awaited me, or whether her family's approval would +have wrought a change in her reception of me, I burned to ascertain. As +my thoughts ran on in this way, I found myself at the door; but was much +alarmed to perceive that the closed window-shutters and dismantled look +of the house proclaimed them from home. I rung the bell, and soon +learned from a servant, whose face I had not seen before, that the family +had gone to Paris about a month before, with the intention of spending +the winter there. I need not say how grievously this piece of +intelligence disappointed me, and for a minute or two I could not +collect my thoughts. At last the servant said: + +"If you have any thing very particular, sir, that my Lord's lawyer can +do, I can give you his address." + +"No, thank you--nothing;" at the same time I muttered to myself, "I'll +have some occupation for him though ere long. The family were all quite +well, didn't you say?" + +"Yes sir, perfectly well. My Lord had only a slight cold," + +"Ah--yes--and there address is 'Meurice;' very well." + +So saying I turned from the door, and with slower steps than I had come, +returned to my hotel. + +My immediate resolve was to set out for Paris; my second was to visit my +uncle, Sir Guy Lorrequer, first, and having explained to him the nature +of my position, and the advantageous prospects before me, endeavour to +induce him to make some settlement on Lady Jane, in the event of my +obtaining her family's consent to our marriage. This, from his liking +great people much, and laying great stress upon the advantages of +connexion, I looked upon as a matter of no great difficulty; so that, +although my hopes of happiness were delayed in their fulfilment, I +believed they were only about to be the more securely realized. The same +day I set out for Elton, and by ten o'clock at night reached my uncle's +house. I found the old gentleman looking just as I had left him three +years before, complaining a little of gout in the left foot--praising his +old specific, port-wine--abusing his servants for robbing him--and +drinking the Duke of Wellington's health every night after supper; which +meal I had much pleasure in surprising him at on my arrival--not having +eaten since my departure from London. + +"Well, Harry," said my uncle, when the servants had left the room, and we +drew over the spider table to the fire to discuss our wine with comfort, +"what good wind has blown you down to me, my boy? for it's odd enough, +five minutes before I heard the wheels on the gravel I was just wishing +some good fellow would join me at the grouse--and you see I have had my +wish! The old story, I suppose, 'out of cash.' Would not come down here +for nothing--eh? Come, lad, tell truth; is it not so?" + +"Why, not exactly, sir; but I really had rather at present talk about +you, than about my own matters, which we can chat over tomorrow. How do +you get on, sir, with the Scotch steward?" + +"He's a rogue, sir--a cheat--a scoundrel; but it is the same with them +all; and your cousin, Harry--your cousin, that I have reared from his +infancy to be my heir, (pleasant topic for me!) he cares no more for me +than the rest of them, and would never come near me, if it were not that, +like yourself, he was hard run for money, and wanted to wheedle me out of +a hundred or two." + +"But you forget, sir--I told you I have not come with such an object." + +"We'll see that--we'll see that in the morning," replied he, with an +incredulous shake of the head. + +"But Guy, sir--what has Guy done?" + +"What has he not done? No sooner did he join that popinjay set of +fellows, the __th hussars, than he turned out, what he calls a +four-in-hand drag, which dragged nine hundred pounds out of my pocket +--then he has got a yacht at Cowes--a grouse mountain in Scotland--and +has actually given Tattersall an unlimited order to purchase the +Wreckinton pack of harriers, which he intends to keep for the use of the +corps. In a word, there is not an amusement of that villanous regiment, +not a flask of champagne drank at their mess, I don't bear my share in +the cost of; all through the kind offices of your worthy cousin, Guy +Lorrequer." + +This was an exceedingly pleasant expose for me, to hear of my cousin +indulged in every excess of foolish extravagance by his rich uncle, while +I, the son of an elder brother who unfortunately called me by his own +name, Harry, remained the sub. in a marching regiment, with not three +hundred pounds a year above my pay, and whom any extravagance, if such +had been proved against me would have deprived of even that small +allowance. My uncle however did not notice the chagrin with which I +heard his narrative, but continued to detail various instances of wild +and reckless expense the future possessor of his ample property had +already launched into. + +Anxious to say something without well-knowing what, I hinted that +probably my good cousin would reform some of these days, and marry. + +"Marry," said my uncle; "yes, that, I believe, is the best thing we can +do with him; and I hope now the matter is in good train--so the latest +accounts say, at least." + +"Ah, indeed," said I, endeavouring to take an interest where I really +felt none--for my cousin and I had never been very intimate friends, and +the differences in our fortunes had not, at least to my thinking, been +compensated by any advances which he, under the circumstances, might have +made to me. + +"Why, Harry, did you not hear of it?" said my uncle. + +"No--not a word, sir." + +"Very strange, indeed--a great match, Harry--a very great match, indeed." + +"Some rich banker's daughter," thought I. "What will he say when he +hears of my fortune?" + +"A very fine young woman, too, I understand--quite the belle of London +--and a splendid property left by an aunt." + +I was bursting to tell him of my affair, and that he had another nephew, +to whom if common justice were rendered, his fortune was as certainly +made for life. + +"Guy's business happened this way," continued my uncle, who was quite +engrossed by the thought of his favourite's success. "The father of the +young lady met him in Ireland, or Scotland, or some such place, where he +was with his regiment--was greatly struck with his manner and address +--found him out to be my nephew--asked him to his house--and, in fact, +almost threw this lovely girl at his head before they were two months +acquainted." + +"As nearly as possible my own adventure," thought I, laughing to myself. + +"But you have not told me who they are, sir," said I, dying to have his +story finished, and to begin mine. + +"I'm coming to that--I'm coming to that. Guy came down here, but did not +tell me one word of his having ever met the family, but begged me to give +him an introduction to them, as they were in Paris, where he was going on +a short leave; and the first thing I heard of the matter was a letter +from the papa, demanding from me if Guy was to be my heir, and asking +'how far his attentions in his family, met with my approval.'" + +"Then how did you know sir that they were previously known to each +other?" + +"The family lawyer told me, who heard it all talked over." + +"And why, then, did Guy get the letter of introduction from you, when he +was already acquainted with them?" + +"I am sure I cannot tell, except that you know he always does every thing +unlike every one else, and to be sure the letter seems to have excited +some amusement. I must show you his answer to my first note to know how +all was going on; for I felt very anxious about matters, when I heard +from some person who had met them, that Guy was everlastingly in the +house, and that Lord Callonby could not live without him." + +"Lord who, sir?" said I in a voice that made the old man upset his glass, +and spring from his chair in horror. + +"What the devil is the matter with the boy. What makes you so pale?" + +"Whose name did you say at that moment, sir," said I with a slowness of +speech that cost me agony. + +"Lord Callonby, my old schoolfellow and fag at Eton." + +"And the lady's name, sir?" said I, in scarcely an audible whisper. + +"I'm sure I forget her name; but here's the letter from Guy, and I think +he mentions her name in the postscript." + +I snatched rudely the half-opened letter from the old man, as he was +vainly endeavouring to detect the place he wanted, and read as follows: + +"My adored Jane is all your fondest wishes for my happiness could +picture, and longs to see her dear uncle, as she already calls you on +every occasion." I read no more--my eyes swam--the paper, the candles, +every thing before me, was misty and confused; and although I heard my +uncle's voice still going on, I knew nothing of what he said. + +For some time my mind could not take in the full extent of the base +treachery I had met with, and I sat speechless and stupified. By degrees +my faculties became clearer, and with one glance I read the whole +business, from my first meeting with them at Kilrush to the present +moment. I saw that in their attentions to me, they thought they were +winning the heir of Elton, the future proprietor of fifteen thousand per +annum. From this tangled web of heartless intrigue I turned my thoughts +to Lady Jane herself. How had she betrayed me! for certainly she had not +only received, but encouraged my addresses--and so soon, too.--To think +that at the very moment when my own precipitate haste to see her had +involved me in a nearly fatal accident, she was actually receiving the +attentions of another! Oh, it was too, too bad. + +But enough--even now I can scarcely dwell upon the memory of that moment, +when the hopes and dreams of many a long day and night were destined to +be thus rudely blighted. I seized the first opportunity of bidding my +uncle good night; and having promised him to reveal all my plans on the +morrow, hurried to my room. + +My plans! alas, I had none--that one fatal paragraph had scattered them +to the winds; and I threw myself upon my bed, wretched and almost +heart-broken. + +I have once before in these "Confessions" claimed to myself the +privilege, not inconsistent with a full disclosure of the memorabilia of +my life, to pass slightly over those passages, the burden of which was +unhappy, and whose memory is painful. I must now, therefore, claim the +"benefit of this act," and beg of the reader to let me pass from this sad +portion of my history, and for the full expression of my mingled rage, +contempt, disappointment, and sorrow, let me beg of him to receive +instead, what a learned pope once gave as his apology for not reading a +rather polysyllabic word in a Latin letter--"As for this," said he, +looking at the phrase in question, "soit qui'l dit," so say I. And now +--en route. + + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Volume 2 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + + +Volume 2. (Chapters XI. to XVII.) + + +Contents: + +CHAPTER XI +Cheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend + +CHAPTER XII +Dublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula + +CHAPTER XIII +Dublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society + +CHAPTER XIV +The Chase + +CHAPTER XV +Mems Of the North Cork + +CHAPTER XVI +Theatricals + +CHAPTER XVI* (This chapter number is repeated in the print copy.) +The Wager + +CHAPTER XVII +The Elopement + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +CHELTENHAM--MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE--SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A FRIEND. + +It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of the +Old Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"--no companion save my +half-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner of +the ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the +incidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have +still to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless +labour, and disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large and +ill-lighted room--the close-curtained boxes--the unsocial look of every +thing and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the verge +of becoming excessively sentimental--the unbroken silence, where several +people were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressed +and dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel ticked +sharply on--the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair, +and now snored louder--the gentleman who read the Times had got the +Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements. +The father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six, +sat still and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the +silence around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the +table. The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled +man, who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his +feet, rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to +sip a little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two +hours. I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently +trivial circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and +most important movements induced--had the near wheeler of the Umpire +been only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might--but let +me continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily +increased. But three months before, and my prospects presented every +thing that was fairest and brightest--now all the future was dark and +dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune +--now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. It +was singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not +these Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very +penetralia of my heart; but singular it certainly was--and so I have +always felt it since, when reflecting on it--that although much and +warmly attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I +must call her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea +of my mind on the subject was, what will the mess say--what will they +think at head-quarters?--the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed +allusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each +of my comrades took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all, +the most difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join +my regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his +labour on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself all +manner of ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an +exchange into an African corps--sometimes to leave the army altogether. +However, I turned the affair over in my mind--innumerable difficulties +presented themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still +point, in which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for the +slightest impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter +what suggestion. In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine, +and watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe conscience, I +might retire to my bed, when the waiter roused me by demanding if my +name was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a gentleman having seen my card in the +bar, had been making inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel. + +"Yes," said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one +here, that I can remember." + +"The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, and +here he is." + +At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a +very sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and +unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly +countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom I +had served in the Peninsula. + +Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold +speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite +sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, and +what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic--that he was perfectly famished, +and desired a hot supper, "de suite." + +Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite, +proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows: + +There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not +absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long +career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with the +moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, a +son and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had long +since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his +intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel +--highly accomplished--gifted--agreeable--and all that, Jack, who had +never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutely +on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally the +want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assured +did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible," (I use his own +expression,) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come down +express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once. + +"But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known +her father?" + +"Known him? I never saw him." + +"Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his +acquaintance. Do you intend to make him a 'particeps criminis' in the +elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid +out of his own money?" + +"Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess, +my genius always stood unrivalled--acknowledge, if you are not dead to +gratitude--acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bed +in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of +your humble servant--avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to be +purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly +kept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on the +retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the +halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged in +devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-boots +the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks." + +"True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair, +time considered, does appear rather difficult." + +"And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. I +put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousand +pounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme, +has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction." + +"Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!" + +"The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen you, +and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new mode +of opening the trenches." + +"Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of +light upon the affair." + +"There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, and +I'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel +--'Hydrabad Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?--then I shall proceed to +make a tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously +ill in his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from +my gig at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't much +care which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most +kind, hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his +daughter will tend my sick couch--nurse--read to me; glorious fun, +Harry. I'll make fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be +decided is whether, having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so +freely, I ought to carry her off, or marry her with papa's consent. +You see there is much to be said for either line of proceeding." + +"I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way so +clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open +question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an +opinion." + +"Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I +have not come to that." + +"Mine," said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any character +assigned to me in the drama?" + +"I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacity +of my valet." + +"Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence. + +"Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it--shall +choose as becoming a livery as you like--and you'll have the whole female +world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunity +vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape and +form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in the +world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it." + +The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an +office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to +expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At +last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar +arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by +retorting Jack's proposition. + +"Come," said I, "I agree, with one only difference--I'll be the master +and you the man on this occasion." + +To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller +grasped my hand, and cried, "done." Of course I laughed heartily at the +utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his +prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the +most remote degree the commission of such extravagance. + +Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole," +touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the +Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;) +he expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and +obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from +mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my +lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady +Jane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a +marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jesting +of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service, +wherever the story reached. + +The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicled +in these Confessions--the openness to be led whither any one might take +the trouble to conduct me--the easy indifference to assume any character +which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, assisted +by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to listen +--then to attend to--soon after to suggest--and finally, absolutely to +concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other moment, I must +have regarded as downright insanity. As the clock struck two, I had just +affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method in +his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he had +committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of Jack's legal +talents I copy from the original document now in my posession. + + "The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock--be + the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's + __th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly + called Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby + promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to + the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the + aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the + aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four + weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as + his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or saucepan + --duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in + every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of--" + +"Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack. + +"I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing." + + "--at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the + aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the + sum of ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a + faithful discharge in writing for his services, as may be. If, on + the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer + fail in obtaining the hand of _____, that he will evacuate the + territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot + selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself + with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller--" + +"You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack. + + "--and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid + Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success, + the like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to + maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn + pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former + condition, for the space of time there mentioned." + +We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its +perfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we +parted and retired for the night. + +The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller +standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and +all the world. + +"Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he. "I only remembered +on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in +our old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere +picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a +most distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind, +and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the seven +years war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege he +did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he +did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the +service, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down to +the London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not +fought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one +considers that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited; but +yet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'll +say, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty messenger +to his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a Mr. +Lorrequer--ay, Harry, all above board--there is nothing like it--'as Mr. +Lorrequer, of the __th, was collecting for publication, such materials as +might serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements of British +officers, who have, at any time, been in command--he most respectfully +requests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguished +services, on many gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualified +approval of his majesty's government. Mr. Lorrequer's stay is +necessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to visit Lord +Anglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a meeting as may +suit Colonel K.'s convenience.' What think you now? Is this a +master-stroke or not?" + +"Why, certainly, we are in for it now," said I, drawing a deep sigh. +"But Jack, what is all this? Why, you're in livery already." + +I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very +decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a very +knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury. + +"You like it, don't you? Well, I should have preferred something a +little more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course, +gave way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat." + +"Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection of +it." + +"Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and the +height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerably +close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am your +most obedient servant for four weeks--see that you make the most of it." + +While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me, +which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. It +ran thus-- + + "Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of + Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can + afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will + permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to + Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he + need not say, is entirely at Mr. L.'s disposal. + + "Colonel K. dines at six precisely." + +When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air, +and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out-- + +"The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten +thousand: she is your own this minute." + +Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could not +help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform, +and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have been +able to command. + +That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I +sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite a +very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue of +white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the +decanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves; +there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of +any modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured +the room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth, +which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look of +comfort and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all excellent; +and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I never +tasted better Madeira. + +"And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I +took the Rajah prisoner?" + +"Yes," said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the +very last time I dined at Government-House." + +"Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions of +rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permit +him to escape--but no--I refused flatly." + +"Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?--sent them, +of course--." + +"No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No, +no; I have them this moment in good government security. + +"I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourself +another glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be of +infinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public eye +--they really are quire ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius, and +there is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is the +first trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards the +south-west angle, and here, the wine glass--this is me. Well, it was a +little after ten at night that I got the order from the general in +command to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space before +Fort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and with +four pieces of field artillery--these walnuts here--to be ready to open +my fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear sir, +you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira. As I said +before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary protect +the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench. Just at the +same time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupy +this dish of almonds and raisins--the high ground to the left of my +position--put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I cannot +see myself--I thought I was up near the figs, and I find myself down near +the half moon." + +"It is past nine," said a servant entering the room; "shall I take the +carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?" This being the first time the name of +the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious to +hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be +gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the +interruption, dismissed the servant by saying-- + +"What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see I +am preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your +pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and +besides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, my +dear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again." + +With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the +"materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly +thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette, +sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that a +stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with a +degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third and +unoccupied party to witness. + +"Mary, my dear," said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort +Cornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce to +you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth," here the young lady +courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed +places. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the +preceding four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and had +preferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own +carriage. + +My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks' +sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninteresting +details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without falling +in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she was +extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silvery +toned voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness of +manner that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provoked +attention, and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success, +imparted a more than common zest in the pursuit. She was little, a very +little blue, rather a dabbler in the "ologies," than a real disciple. +Yet she made collections of minerals, and brown beetles, and +cryptogamias, and various other homeopathic doses of the creation, +infinitessimally small in their subdivision; in none of which I felt any +interest, save in the excuse they gave for accompanying her in her +pony-phaeton. This was, however, a rare pleasure, for every morning for +at least three or four hours I was obliged to sit opposite the colonel, +engaged in the compilation of that narrative of his "res gestae," which +was to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave Wellington's laurels but +a very faded lustre in comparison. In this agreeable occupation did I +pass the greater part of my day, listening to the insufferable prolixity +of the most prolix of colonels, and at times, notwithstanding the +propinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost regretting that he +was not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his memoir abounded +with. I may here mention, that while my literary labour was thus +progressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before--not +indeed with me for her companion--but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth, +"having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple +in sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth," particularly as I gave him a +most excellent character for every virtue under heaven. + +I must hasten on.--The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a +close. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only +waited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for my +letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculous +bond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the library fire, +the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth +'scapes. Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which every +evening made its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather in +better spirits than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous and +uncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that her +thoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthy +father believed them. Without laying any stress upon the circumstance, +I must yet avow that Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave me +some uneasiness, and I more than once had recourse to the bell to demand +if "my servant had come back yet?" At each of these times I well +remember the peculiar expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment, +half drollery, with which she listened to the question, and heard the +answer in the negative. Supper at length made its appearance; and I +asked the servant who waited, "if my man had brought me any letters," +varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and again, I heard he had not +returned. Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth the +next morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth, +as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night and +retired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were to +have an excursion to some place in the neighbourhood the next day; and +begging that I might be in the breakfast-room at nine, as they were to +assemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition. I was +in a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the door +awoke me; at the same time I recognised the voice of the colonel's +servant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir." + +I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down," +proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a +vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed +only the day before--even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a most +diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a small +bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suit +of livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of which +colour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs, +deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As I +turned the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, for +I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to +the coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few +words were written: + + "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how + you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the + tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your + kind master, + + "John Waller." + +The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That I +should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet what +was to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes, +Thomas?" + +"Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them." + +"There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomas +disappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not be +found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to come +down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting, +and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as +they were going on a country excursion." An elaborate toilette! I wish +to heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it. "Thomas, you must +tell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not able +to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks--very violent attacks in my +head, and must always be left quiet and alone--perfectly alone--mind me, +Thomas--for a day at least." Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted in +my bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter of many +persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they were +laughing at; the thought was horrible. + +"Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said +Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he +again appeared at the door. + +"No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are +you grinning at?" + +"You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now," +said the fellow with an odious grin. + +I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my +strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs +chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of +mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only +one who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; down +stairs I resolved to go at once--but how; a blanket I thought would not +be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at +least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to him +the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost +sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No; that would +never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as it +was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as much +indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy +trick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and last +the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times more +absurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with his +table and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery. + +If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and +bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with +something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my +bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and +so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost +abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for +vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange +quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any +characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance. +I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could +survey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung open my door, +hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I met +was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the +plough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to +be turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for +a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said-- + +"Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with the +constables in the justice's room!" I gave him a look of contemptuous +superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on. + +Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the +breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of +people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, at +the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless to +do any thing. Among a considerable number of people who stood in small +groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a +very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm +--shall I confess--no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him +with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him. +The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered, +ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter +so long and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one +might burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look of +indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be +most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin +costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the +louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks +out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last, +amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller +stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand +without support. + +"Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together; +"Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of +intimacy between us shall--" + +Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room, +called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel +Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs, +&c., armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle. +Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out +with-- + +"So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending to +be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at his +table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.--How far he +might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his +master, had not traced him here this morning--but you'll pay dearly for +it, you young rascal, that you shall." + +"Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess +exciting new bursts of laughter,) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions +you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however, +before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has +dared to pass upon me." Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration +knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed +that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity. + +Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed +between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven; +"for indeed my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather +respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd +run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case +the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal with +him. Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority, +"take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shall +endeavour to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth; +and the best mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have no +more of your society." + +I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from +this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed from +the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the +avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers, +groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my +"detection," even more than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp, +short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the +infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our +agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham. +Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could commit +the bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure +suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons were +then quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the +necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third +morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, and +bursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never could +discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and +then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the last +toll-bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at a +tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely +risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be half +invisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our +own pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning. We +had scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual +bustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at the +same instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young +lady who had eloped that morning with an officer. + +"Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound," said my +companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was +too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the +chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer +was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host," +Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had +lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologies +and explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings; +and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of +Jack for a considerable period after; he started for the continent, +where he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his +father-in-law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly +broken the compact. + +So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such +experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie +in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additional +confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that I +refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when I +discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such +"souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would +have left me without a pleasure in existence. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +DUBLIN--TOM O'FLAHERTY--A REMINISCENCE OF THE PENINSULA. + +Dear, dirty Dublin--"Io te salute"--how many excellent things might be +said of thee, if, unfortunately, it did not happen that the theme is an +old one, and has been much better sung than it can ever now be said. +With thus much of apology for no more lengthened panegyric, let me beg of +my reader, if he be conversant with that most moving melody--the Groves +of Blarney--to hum the following lines, which I heard shortly after my +landing, and which well express my own feelings for the "loved spot." + + Oh! Dublin, sure, there is no doubtin', + Beats every city upon the say. + 'Tis there you'll see O'Connell spouting, + And Lady Morgan making "tay." + For 'tis the capital of the greatest nation + With finest peasantry on a fruitful sod, + Fighting like devils for conciliation, + And hating each other for the love of God. + +Once more, then, I found myself in the "most car-drivingest city," en +route to join on the expiration of my leave. Since my departure, my +regiment had been ordered to Kilkenny, that sweet city, so famed in song +for its "fire without smoke;" but which, were its character in any way to +be derived from its past or present representative, might certainly, with +more propriety, reverse the epithet, and read "smoke without fire." My +last communication from head-quarters was full of nothing but gay doings +--balls, dinners, dejeunes, and more than all, private theatricals, +seemed to occupy the entire attention of every man of the gallant __th. +I was earnestly entreated to come, without waiting for the end of my +leave--that several of my old "parts were kept open for me;" and that, in +fact, the "boys of Kilkenny" were on tip-toe in expectation of my +arrival, as though his Majesty's mail were to convey a Kean or a Kemble. +I shuddered a little as I read this, and recollected "my last appearance +on any stage," little anticipating, at the moment, that my next was to be +nearly as productive of the ludicrous, as time and my confessions will +show. One circumstance, however, gave me considerable pleasure. It was +this:--I took it for granted that, in the varied and agreeable +occupations which so pleasurable a career opened, my adventures in love +would escape notice, and that I should avoid the merciless raillery my +two failures, in six months, might reasonably be supposed to call forth. +I therefore wrote a hurried note to Curzon, setting forth the great +interest all their proceedings had for me, and assuring him that my stay +in town should be as short as possible, for that I longed once more to +"strut the monarch of the boards," and concluded with a sly paragraph, +artfully intended to act as a "paratonnere" to the gibes and jests which +I dreaded, by endeavouring to make light of my matrimonial speculations. +The postscript ran somewhat thus--"Glorious fun have I had since we met; +but were it not that my good angel stood by me, I should write these +hurried lines with a wife at my elbow; but luck, that never yet deserted, +is still faithful to your old friend, H. Lorrequer." + +My reader may suppose--for he is sufficiently behind the scenes with me +--with what feelings I penned these words; yet any thing was better than +the attack I looked forward to: and I should rather have changed into the +Cape Rifle Corps, or any other army of martyrs, than meet my mess with +all the ridicule my late proceedings exposed me to. Having disburthened +my conscience of this dread, I finished my breakfast, and set out on a +stroll through the town. + +I believe it is Coleridge who somewhere says, that to transmit the first +bright and early impressions of our youth, fresh and uninjured to a +remote period of life, constitutes one of the loftiest prerogatives of +genius. If this be true, and I am not disposed to dispute it--what a +gifted people must be the worthy inhabitants of Dublin; for I scruple not +to affirm, that of all cities of which we have any record in history, +sacred or profane, there is not one so little likely to disturb the +tranquil current of such reminiscences. "As it was of old, so is it +now," enjoying a delightful permanency in all its habits and customs, +which no changes elsewhere disturb or affect; and in this respect I defy +O'Connell and all the tail to refuse it the epithet of "Conservative." + +Had the excellent Rip Van Winkle, instead of seeking his repose upon the +cold and barren acclivities of the Kaatskills--as we are veritably +informed by Irving--but betaken himself to a comfortable bed at +Morrison's or the Bilton, not only would he have enjoyed a more agreeable +siesta, but, what the event showed of more consequence, the pleasing +satisfaction of not being disconcerted by novelty on his awakening. It +is possible that the waiter who brought him the water to shave, for Rip's +beard, we are told, had grown uncommonly long--might exhibit a little of +that wear and tear to which humanity is liable from time; but had he +questioned him as to the ruling topics--the proper amusements of the day +--he would have heard, as he might have done twenty years before, that +there was a meeting to convert Jews at the Rotunda; another to rob +parsons at the Corn Exchange; that the Viceroy was dining with the +Corporation, and congratulating them on the prosperity of Ireland, while +the inhabitants were regaled with a procession of the "broad ribbon +weavers," who had not weaved, heaven knows when! This, with an +occasional letter from Mr. O'Connell, and now and then a duel in the +"Phaynix," constituted the current pastimes of the city. Such, at least, +were they in my day; and though far from the dear locale, an odd flitting +glance at the newspapers induces me to believe that matters are not much +changed since. + +I rambled through the streets for some hours, revolving such thoughts as +pressed upon me involuntarily by all I saw. The same little grey +homunculus that filled my "prince's mixture" years before, stood behind +the counter at Lundy Foot's, weighing out rappee and high toast, just as +I last saw him. The fat college porter, that I used to mistake in my +school-boy days for the Provost, God forgive me! was there as fat and as +ruddy as heretofore, and wore his Roman costume of helmet and plush +breeches, with an air as classic. The old state trumpeter at the castle, +another object of my youthful veneration, poor "old God save the King" as +we used to call him, walked the streets as of old; his cheeks indeed, a +little more lanky and tendinous; but then there had been many viceregal +changes, and the "one sole melody his heart delighted in," had been more +frequently called in requisition, as he marched in solemn state with the +other antique gentlemen in tabards. As I walked along, each moment some +old and early association being suggested by the objects around, I felt +my arm suddenly seized. I turned hastily round, and beheld a very old +companion in many a hard-fought field and merry bivouack, Tom O'Flaherty +of the 8th. Poor Tom was sadly changed since we last met, which was at +a ball in Madrid. He was then one of the best-looking fellows of his +"style" I ever met,--tall and athletic, with the easy bearing of a man of +the world, and a certain jauntiness that I have never seen but in +Irishmen who have mixed much in society. + +There was also a certain peculiar devil-may-care recklessness about the +self-satisfied swagger of his gait, and the free and easy glance of his +sharp black eye, united with a temper that nothing could ruffle, and a +courage nothing could daunt. With such qualities as these, he had been +the prime favourite of his mess, to which he never came without some +droll story to relate, or some choice expedient for future amusement. +Such had Tom once been; now he was much altered, and though the quiet +twinkle of his dark eye showed that the spirit of fun within was not +"dead, but only sleeping,"--to myself, who knew something of his history, +it seemed almost cruel to awaken him to any thing which might bring him +back to the memory of by-gone days. A momentary glance showed me that he +was no longer what he had been, and that the unfortunate change in his +condition, the loss of all his earliest and oldest associates, and his +blighted prospects, had nearly broken a heart that never deserted a +friend, nor quailed before an enemy. Poor O'Flaherty was no more the +delight of the circle he once adorned; the wit that "set the table in a +roar" was all but departed. He had been dismissed the service!!--The +story is a brief one:-- + +In the retreat from Burgos, the __ Light Dragoons, after a most fatiguing +day's march, halted at the wretched village of Cabenas. It had been +deserted by the inhabitants the day before, who, on leaving, had set it +on fire; and the blackened walls and fallen roof-trees were nearly all +that now remained to show where the little hamlet had once stood. + +Amid a down-pour of rain, that had fallen for several hours, drenched to +the skin, cold, weary, and nearly starving, the gallant 8th reached this +melancholy spot at nightfall, with little better prospect of protection +from the storm than the barren heath through which their road led might +afford them. Among the many who muttered curses, not loud but deep, on +the wretched termination to their day's suffering, there was one who kept +up his usual good spirits, and not only seemed himself nearly regardless +of the privations and miseries about him, but actually succeeded in +making the others who rode alongside as perfectly forgetful of their +annoyances and troubles as was possible under such circumstances. Good +stories, joking allusions to the more discontented ones of the party, +ridiculous plans for the night's encampment, followed each other so +rapidly, that the weariness of the way was forgotten; and while some were +cursing their hard fate, that ever betrayed them into such misfortunes, +the little group round O'Flaherty were almost convulsed with laughter at +the wit and drollery of one, over whom if the circumstances had any +influence, they seemed only to heighten his passion for amusement. In +the early part of the morning he had captured a turkey, which hung +gracefully from his holster on one side, while a small goat-skin of +Valencia wine balanced it on the other. These good things were destined +to form a feast that evening, to which he had invited four others; that +being, according to his most liberal calculation, the greatest number to +whom he could afford a reasonable supply of wine. + +When the halt was made, it took some time to arrange the dispositions for +the night; and it was nearly midnight before all the regiment had got +their billets and were housed, even with such scanty accommodation as the +place afforded. Tom's guests had not yet arrived, and he himself was +busily engaged in roasting the turkey before a large fire, on which stood +a capacious vessel of spiced wine, when the party appeared. A very +cursory "reconnaissance" through the house, one of the only ones +untouched in the village, showed that from the late rain it would be +impossible to think of sleeping in the lower story, which already showed +signs of being flooded; they therefore proceeded in a body up stairs, and +what was their delight to find a most comfortable room, neatly furnished +with chairs, and a table; but, above all, a large old-fashioned bed, an +object of such luxury as only an old campaigner can duly appreciate. The +curtains were closely tucked in all round, and, in their fleeting and +hurried glance, they felt no inclination to disturb them, and rather +proceeded to draw up the table before the hearth, to which they speedily +removed the fire from below; and, ere many minutes, with that activity +which a bivouack life invariably teaches, their supper smoked before +them, and five happier fellows did not sit down that night within a large +circuit around. Tom was unusually great; stories of drollery unlocked +before, poured from him unceasingly, and what with his high spirits to +excite them, and the reaction inevitable after a hard day's severe march, +the party soon lost the little reason that usually sufficed to guide +them, and became as pleasantly tipsy as can well be conceived. However, +all good things must have an end, and so had the wine-skin. Tom had +placed it affectionately under his arm like a bag-pipe and failed, with +even a most energetic squeeze, to extract a drop; there was no nothing +for it but to go to rest, and indeed it seemed the most prudent thing for +the party. + +The bed became accordingly a subject of grave deliberation; for as it +could only hold two, and the party were five, there seemed some +difficulty in submitting their chances to lot, which all agreed was the +fairest way. While this was under discussion, one of the party had +approached the contested prize, and, taking up the curtains, proceeded to +jump in--when, what was his astonishment to discover that it was already +occupied. The exclamation of surprise he gave forth soon brought the +others to his side; and to their horror, drunk as they were, they found +that the body before them was that of a dead man, arrayed in all the +ghastly pomp of a corpse. A little nearer inspection showed that he had +been a priest, probably the Padre of the village; on his head he had a +small velvet skull cap, embroidered with a cross, and his body was +swathed in a vestment, such as priests usually wear at the mass; in his +hand he held a large wax taper, which appeared to have burned only half +down, and probably been extinguished by the current of air on opening +the door. After the first brief shock which this sudden apparition had +caused, the party recovered as much of their senses as the wine had +left them, and proceeded to discuss what was to be done under the +circumstances; for not one of them ever contemplated giving up a bed +to a dead priest, while five living men slept on the ground. After much +altercation, O'Flaherty, who had hitherto listened without speaking, +interrupted the contending parties, saying, "stop, lads, I have it." + +"Come," said one of them, "let us hear Tom's proposal." + +"Oh," said he, with difficulty steadying himself while he spoke, "we'll +put him to bed with old Ridgeway, the quarter-master!" + +The roar of loud laughter that followed Tom's device was renewed again +and again, till not a man could speak from absolute fatigue. There was +not a dissentient voice. Old Ridgeway was hated in the corps, and a +better way of disposing of the priest and paying off the quarter-master +could not be thought of. + +Very little time sufficed for their preparations; and if they had been +brought up under the Duke of Portland himself, they could not have +exhibited a greater taste for a "black job." The door of the room was +quickly taken from its hinges, and the priest placed upon it at full +length; a moment more sufficed to lift the door upon their shoulders, +and, preceded by Tom, who lit a candle in honour of being, as he said, +"chief mourner," they took their way through the camp towards Ridgeway's +quarters. When they reached the hut where their victim lay, Tom ordered +a halt, and proceeded stealthily into the house to reconnoitre. The old +quarter-master he found stretched on his sheep-skin before a large fire, +the remnants of an ample supper strewed about him, and two empty bottles +standing on the hearth--his deep snoring showed that all was safe, and +that no fears of his awaking need disturb them. His shako and sword lay +near him, but his sabertasche was under his head. Tom carefully withdrew +the two former; and hastening to his friends without, proceeded to +decorate the priest with them; expressing, at the same time, considerable +regret that he feared it might wake Ridgeway, if he were to put the +velvet skull-cap on him for a night-cap. + +Noiselessly and steadily they now entered, and proceeded to put down +their burden, which, after a moment's discussion, they agreed to place +between the quarter-master and the fire, of which, hitherto, he had +reaped ample benefit. This done, they stealthily retreated, and hurried +back to their quarters, unable to speak with laughter at the success of +their plot, and their anticipation of Ridgeway's rage on awakening in the +morning. + +It was in the dim twilight of a hazy morning, that the bugler of the 8th +aroused the sleeping soldiers from their miserable couches, which, +wretched as they were, they, nevertheless, rose from reluctantly--so +wearied and fatigued had they been by the preceding day's march; not one +among the number felt so indisposed to stir as the worthy quarter-master; +his peculiar avocations had demanded a more than usual exertion on his +part, and in the posture he had laid down at night, he rested till +morning, without stirring a limb. Twice the reveille had rung through +the little encampment, and twice the quarter-master had essayed to open +his eyes, but in vain; at last he made a tremendous effort, and sat bolt +upright on the floor, hoping that the sudden effort might sufficiently +arouse him; slowly his eyes opened, and the first thing they beheld was +the figure of the dead priest, with a light cavalry helmet on his head, +seated before him. Ridgeway, who was "bon Catholique," trembled in every +joint--it might be a ghost, it might be a warning, he knew not what to +think--he imagined the lips moved, and so overcome with terror was he at +last, that he absolutely shouted like a maniac, and never cased till the +hut was filled with officers and men, who hearing the uproar ran to his +aid--the surprise of the poor quarter-master at the apparition, was +scarcely greater than that of the beholders--no one was able to afford +any explanation of the circumstance, though all were assured that it must +have been done in jest--the door upon which the priest had been conveyed, +afforded the clue--they had forgotten to restore it to its place +--accordingly the different billets were examined, and at last O'Flaherty +was discovered in a most commodious bed, in a large room without a door, +still fast asleep, and alone; how and when he had parted from his +companions, he never could precisely explain, though he has since +confessed it was part of his scheme to lead them astray in the village, +and then retire to the bed, which he had determined to appropriate to his +sole use. + +Old Ridgeway's rage knew no bounds; he absolutely foamed with passion, +and in proportion as he was laughed at his choler rose higher; had this +been the only result, it had been well for poor Tom, but unfortunately +the affair got to be rumoured through the country--the inhabitants of the +village learned the indignity with which the Padre had been treated; they +addressed a memorial to Lord Wellington--inquiry was immediately +instituted--O'Flaherty was tried by court martial, and found guilty; +nothing short of the heaviest punishment that could be inflicted under +the circumstances would satisfy the Spaniards, and at that precise period +it was part of our policy to conciliate their esteem by every means in +our power. The commander-in-chief resolved to make what he called an +"example," and poor O'Flaherty--the life and soul of his regiment--the +darling of his mess, was broke, and pronounced incapable of ever serving +his Majesty again. Such was the event upon which my poor friend's +fortune in life seemed to hinge--he returned to Ireland, if not entirely +broken-hearted, so altered that his best friends scarcely knew him; his +"occupation was gone;" the mess had been his home; his brother officers +were to him in place of relatives, and he had lost all. His after life +was spent in rambling from one watering place to another, more with the +air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time; and with such a +change in appearance as the alteration in his fortune had effected, he +now stood before me, but altogether so different a man, that but for the +well-known tones of a voice that had often convulsed me with laughter, I +should scarcely have recognised him. + +"Lorrequer, my old friend, I never thought of seeing you here--this is +indeed a piece of good luck." + +"Why, Tom? You surely knew that the __ were in Ireland, didn't you?" + +"To be sure. I dined with them only a few days ago, but they told me you +were off to Paris, to marry something superlatively beautiful, and most +enormously rich, the daughter of a duke, if I remember right; but certes, +they said your fortune was made, and I need not tell you, there was not a +man among them better pleased that I was to hear it." + +"Oh! they said so, did they? Droll dogs--always quizzing--I wonder you +did not perceive the hoax--eh--very good, was it not?" This I poured out +in short broken sentences, blushing like scarlet, and fidgeting like a +school girl with downright nervousness. + +"A hoax! devilish well done too,"--said Tom, "for old Carden believed +the whole story, and told me that he had obtained a six months' leave for +you to make your 'com.' and, moreover, said that he had got a letter from +the nobleman, Lord _____ confound his name." + +"Lord Grey, is it?" said I, with a sly look at Tom. + +"No, my dear friend," said he drily, "it was not Lord Grey--but to +continue--he had got a letter from him, dated from Paris, stating his +surprise that you had never joined them there, according to promise, and +that they knew your cousin Guy, and a great deal of other matter I can't +remember--so what does all this mean? Did you hoax the noble Lord as +well as the Horse Guards, Harry?" + +This was indeed a piece of news for me; I stammered out some ridiculous +explanation, and promised a fuller detail. Could it be that I had done +the Callonbys injustice, and that they never intended to break off my +attention to Lady Jane--that she was still faithful, and that of all +concerned I alone had been to blame. Oh! how I hoped this might be the +case; heavily as my conscience might accuse, I longed ardently to forgive +and deal mercifully with myself. Tom continued to talk about indifferent +matters, as these thoughts flitted through my mind; perceiving at last +that I did not attend, he stopped suddenly and said-- + +"Harry, I see clearly that something has gone wrong, and perhaps I can +make a guess at the mode too: but however, you can do nothing about it +now; come and dine with me to-day, and we'll discuss the affair together +after dinner; or if you prefer a 'distraction,' as we used to say in +Dunkerque, why then I'll arrange something fashionable for your evening's +amusement. Come, what say you to hearing Father Keogh preach, or would +you like a supper at the Carlingford, or perhaps you prefer a soiree chez +Miladi; for all of these Dublin affords--all three good in their way, and +very intellectual." + +"Well, Tom, I'm yours; but I should prefer your dining with me; I am at +Bilton's; we'll have our cutlet quite alone, and--" + +"And be heartily sick of each other, you were going to add. No, no, +Harry; you must dine with me; I have some remarkably nice people to +present you to--six is the hour--sharp six--number ___ Molesworth-street, +Mrs. Clanfrizzle's--easily find it--large fanlight over the door--huge +lamp in the hall, and a strong odour of mutton broth for thirty yards on +each side of the premises--and as good luck would have it, I see old Daly +the counsellor, as they call him, he's the very man to get to meet you, +you always liked a character, eh!" + +Saying this, O'Flaherty disengaged himself from my arm, and hurried +across the street towards a portly middle-aged looking gentleman, with +the reddest face I ever beheld. After a brief but very animated +colloquy, Tom returned, and informed that that all was right; he had +secured Daly. + +"And who is Daly?" said I, inquiringly, for I was rather interested in +hearing what peculiar qualification as a diner-out the counsellor might +lay claim to, many of Tom's friends being as remarkable for being the +quizzed as the quizzers. + +"Daly," said he, "is the brother of a most distinguished member of the +Irish bar, of which he himself is also a follower, bearing however, no +other resemblance to the clever man than the name, for as assuredly as +the reputation of the one is inseparably linked with success, so +unerringly is the other coupled with failure, and strange to say, that +the stupid man is fairly convinced that his brother owes all his success +to him, and that to his disinterested kindness the other is indebted for +his present exalted station. Thus it is through life; there seems ever +to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity, that like a +life-buoy, keeps a mass afloat whose weight unassisted would sink into +obscurity. Do you know that my friend Denis there imagines himself the +first man that ever enlightened Sir Robert Peel as to Irish affairs; and, +upon my word, his reputation on this head stands incontestably higher +than on most others." + +"You surely cannot mean that Sir Robert Peel ever consulted with, much +less relied upon, the statements of such a person, as you described you +friend Denis to be?" + +"He did both--and if he was a little puzzled by the information, +the only disgrace attaches to a government that send men to rule over +us unacquainted with our habits of thinking, and utterly ignorant of the +language--ay, I repeat it--but come, you shall judge for yourself; the +story is a short one, and fortunately so, for I must hasten home to give +timely notice of your coming to dine with me. When the present Sir +Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, came over here, as secretary to Ireland, +a very distinguished political leader of the day invited a party to meet +him at dinner, consisting of men of different political leanings; among +whom were, as may be supposed, many members of the Irish bar; the elder +Daly was too remarkable a person to be omitted, but as the two brothers +resided together, there was a difficulty about getting him--however, he +must be had, and the only alternative that presented itself was adopted +--both were invited. When the party descended to the dining-room, +by one of those unfortunate accidents, which as the proverb informs us +occasionally take place in the best regulated establishments, the wrong +Mr. Daly got placed beside Mr. Peel, which post of honor had been +destined by the host for the more agreeable and talented brother. +There was now no help for it; and with a heart somewhat nervous for the +consequences of the proximity, the worthy entertainer sat down to do the +honors as best he might; he was consoled during dinner by observing +that the devotion bestowed by honest Denis on the viands before him +effectually absorbed his faculties, and thereby threw the entire of +Mr. Peel's conversation towards the gentleman on his other flank. +This happiness was like most others, destined to be a brief one. +As the dessert made its appearance, Mr. Peel began to listen with some +attention to the conversation of the persons opposite; with one of whom +he was struck most forcibly--so happy a power of illustration, so vivid a +fancy, such logical precision in argument as he evinced, perfectly +charmed and surprised him. Anxious to learn the name of so gifted an +individual, he turned towards his hitherto silent neighbour and demanded +who he was. + +"'Who is he, is it?' said Denis, hesitatingly, as if he half doubted such +extent of ignorance as not to know the person alluded to. + +"Mr. Peel bowed in acquiescence. + +"'That's Bushe!' said Denis, giving at the same time the same sound to +the vowel, u, as it obtains when occurring in the word 'rush.' + +"'I beg pardon,' said Mr. Peel, 'I did not hear.' + +"'Bushe!' replied Denis, with considerable energy of tone. + +"'Oh, yes! I know,' said the secretary, 'Mr. Bushe, a very distinguished +member of your bar, I have heard.' + +"'Faith, you may say that!' said Denis, tossing off his wine at what he +esteemed a very trite observation. + +"'Pray,' said Mr. Peel, again returning to the charge, though certainly +feeling not a little surprised at the singular laconicism of his +informant, no less than the mellifluous tones of an accent then perfectly +new to him. 'Pray, may I ask, what is the peculiar character of Mr. +Bushe's eloquence? I mean of course, in his professional capacity.' + +"'Eh!' said Denis, 'I don't comprehend you exactly.' + +"'I mean,' said Mr. Peel, 'in one word, what's his forte?' + +"'His forte!' + +"'I mean what his peculiar gift consists in--' + +"'Oh, I perceave--I have ye now--the juries!' + +"'Ah! addressing a jury.' + +"'Ay, the juries.' + +"'Can you oblige me by giving me any idea of the manner in which he +obtains such signal success in this difficult branch of eloquence.' + +"'I'll tell ye,' said Denis, leisurely finishing his glass, and smacking +his lips, with the air of a man girding up his loins for a mighty effort, +'I'll tell ye--well, ye see the way he has is this,'--here Mr. Peel's +expectation rose to the highest degree of interest,--'the way he has is +this--he first butthers them up, and then slithers them down! that's all, +devil a more of a secret there's in it.'" + +How much reason Denis had to boast of imparting early information to the +new secretary I leave my English readers to guess; my Irish ones I may +trust to do him ample justice. + +My friend now left me to my own devices to while away the hours till time +to dress for dinner. Heaven help the gentleman so left in Dublin, say I. +It is, perhaps, the only city of its size in the world, where there is no +lounge--no promenade. Very little experience of it will convince you +that it abounds in pretty women, and has its fair share of agreeable men; +but where are they in the morning? I wish Sir Dick Lauder, instead of +speculating where salmon spent the Christmas holidays, would apply his +most inquiring mind to such a question as this. True it is, however, +they are not to be found. The squares are deserted--the streets are very +nearly so--and all that is left to the luckless wanderer in search of the +beautiful, is to ogle the beauties of Dame-street, who are shopkeepers in +Grafton-street, or the beauties of Grafton-street, who are shopkeepers in +Dame-street. But, confound it, how cranky I am getting--I must be +tremendously hungry. True, it's past six. So now for my suit of sable, +and then to dinner. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +DUBLIN--THE BOARDING-HOUSE--SELECT SOCIETY. + +Punctual to my appointment with O'Flaherty, I found myself a very few +minutes after six o'clock at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's door. My very +authoritative summons at the bell was answered by the appearance of a +young, pale-faced invalid, in a suit of livery the taste of which bore a +very unpleasant resemblance to the one I so lately figured in. It was +with considerable difficulty I persuaded this functionary to permit my +carrying my hat with me to the drawing-room, a species of caution on my +part--as he esteemed it--savouring much of distrust. This point however, +I carried, and followed him up a very ill-lighted stair to the +drawing-room; here I was announced by some faint resemblance to my real +name, but sufficiently near to bring my friend Tom at once to meet me, +who immediately congratulated me on my fortune in coming off so well, +for that the person who preceded me, Mr. Jones Blennerhasset, had been +just announced as Mr. Blatherhasit--a change the gentleman himself was +not disposed to adopt--"But come along, Harry, while we are waiting for +Daly, let me make you known to some of our party; this, you must know, +is a boarding-house, and always has some capital fun--queerest people +you ever met--I have only one hint--cut every man, woman, and child of +them, if you meet them hereafter--I do it myself, though I have lived +here these six months." Pleasant people, thought I, these must be, with +whom such a line is advisable, much less practicable. + +"Mrs. Clanfrizzle, my friend Mr. Lorrequer; thinks he'll stay the summer +in town. Mrs. Clan--, should like him to be one of us." This latter was +said sotto voce, and was a practice he continued to adopt in presenting +me to his several friends through the room. + +Miss Riley, a horrid old fright, in a bird of paradise plume, and corked +eyebrows, gibbetted in gilt chains and pearl ornaments, and looking as +the grisettes say, "superbe en chrysolite"--"Miss Riley, Captain +Lorrequer, a friend I have long desired to present to you--fifteen +thousand a-year and a baronetcy, if he has sixpence"--sotto again. +"Surgeon M'Culloch--he likes the title," said Tom in a whisper--"Surgeon, +Captain Lorrequer. By the by, lest I forget it, he wishes to speak to +you in the morning about his health; he is stopping at Sandymount for the +baths; you could go out there, eh!" The tall thing in green spectacles +bowed, and acknowledged Tom's kindness by a knowing touch of the elbow. +In this way he made the tour of the room for about ten minutes, during +which brief space, I was according to the kind arrangements of +O'Flaherty, booked as a resident in the boarding-house--a lover to at +least five elderly, and three young ladies--a patient--a client--a second +in a duel to a clerk in the post-office--and had also volunteered +(through him always) to convey, by all of his Majesty's mails, as many +parcels, packets, band-boxes, and bird-cages, as would have comfortably +filled one of Pickford's vans. All this he told me was requisite to my +being well received, though no one thought much of any breach of compact +subsequently, except Mrs. Clan--herself. The ladies had, alas! been +often treated vilely before; the doctor had never had a patient; and as +for the belligerent knight of the dead office, he'd rather die than fight +any day. + +The last person to whom my friend deemed it necessary to introduce me, +was a Mr. Garret Cudmore, from the Reeks of Kerry, lately matriculated to +all the honors of freshmanship in the Dublin university. This latter was +a low-sized, dark-browed man, with round shoulders, and particularly long +arms, the disposal of which seemed sadly to distress him. He possessed +the most perfect brogue I ever listened to; but it was difficult to get +him to speak, for on coming up to town some weeks before, he had been +placed by some intelligent friend at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, +with the express direction to mark and thoroughly digest as much as he +could of the habits and customs of the circle about him, which he was +rightly informed was the very focus of good breeding and haut ton; but +on no account, unless driven thereto by the pressure of sickness, +or the wants of nature, to trust himself with speech, which, in his +then uninformed state, he was assured would inevitably ruin him +among his fastidiously cultivated associates. + +To the letter and the spirit of the despatch he had received, the worthy +Garret acted rigidly, and his voice was scarcely ever known to transgress +the narrow limits prescribed by his friends. In more respects that one, +was this a good resolve; for so completely had he identified himself with +college habits, things, and phrases, that whenever he conversed, he +became little short of unintelligible to the vulgar--a difficulty not +decreased by his peculiar pronunciation. + +My round of presentation was just completed, when the pale figure in +light blue livery announced Counsellor Daly and dinner, for both came +fortunately together. Taking the post of honour, Miss Riley's arm, I +followed Tom, who I soon perceived ruled the whole concern, as he led +the way with another ancient vestal in black satin and bugles. The long +procession wound its snake-like length down the narrow stair, and into +the dining-room, where at last we all got seated; and here let me briefly +vindicate the motives of my friend--should any unkind person be found to +impute to his selection of a residence, any base and grovelling passion +for gourmandaise, that day's experience should be an eternal vindication +of him. The soup--alas! that I should so far prostitute the word; for +the black broth of Sparta was mock turtle in comparison--retired to make +way for a mass of beef, whose tenderness I did not question; for it sank +beneath the knife of the carver like a feather bed--the skill of Saladin +himself would have failed to divide it. The fish was a most rebellious +pike, and nearly killed every loyal subject at table; and then down the +sides were various comestibles of chickens, with azure bosoms, and hams +with hides like a rhinoceros; covered dishes of decomposed vegetable +matter, called spinach and cabbage; potatoes arrayed in small masses, and +browned, resembling those ingenious architectural structures of mud, +children raise in the high ways, and call dirt-pies. Such were the chief +constituents of the "feed;" and such, I am bound to confess, waxed +beautifully less under the vigorous onslaught of the party. + +The conversation soon became both loud and general. That happy +familiarity--which I had long believed to be the exclusive prerogative of +a military mess, where constant daily association sustains the interest +of the veriest trifles--I here found in a perfection I had not +anticipated, with this striking difference, that there was no absurd +deference to any existing code of etiquette in the conduct of the party +generally, each person quizzing his neighbour in the most free and easy +style imaginable, and all, evidently from long habit and conventional +usage, seeming to enjoy the practice exceedingly. Thus, droll allusions, +good stories, and smart repartees, fell thick as hail, and twice as +harmless, which any where else that I had ever heard of, would assuredly +have called for more explanations, and perhaps gunpowder, in the morning, +than usually are deemed agreeable. Here, however, they knew better; and +though the lawyer quizzed the doctor for never having another patient +than the house dog, all of whose arteries he had tied in the course of +the winter for practice--and the doctor retorted as heavily, by showing +that the lawyer's practice had been other than beneficial to those for +whom he was concerned--his one client being found guilty, mainly through +his ingenious defence of him; yet they never showed the slightest +irritation--on the contrary, such little playful badinage ever led to +some friendly passages of taking wine together, or in arrangements for a +party to the "Dargle," or "Dunleary;" and thus went on the entire party, +the young ladies darting an occasion slight at their elders, who +certainly returned the fire, often with advantage; all uniting now and +then, however, in one common cause, an attack of the whole line upon Mrs. +Clanfrizzle herself, for the beef, or the mutton, or the fish, or the +poultry--each of which was sure to find some sturdy defamer, ready and +willing to give evidence in dispraise. Yet even these, and I thought +them rather dangerous sallies, led to no more violent results than +dignified replies from the worthy hostess, upon the goodness of her fare, +and the evident satisfaction it afforded while being eaten, if the +appetites of the party were a test. While this was at its height, Tom +stooped behind my chair, and whispered gently-- + +"This is good--isn't it, eh?--life in a boarding-house--quite new to you; +but they are civilized now compared to what you'll find them in the +drawing-room. When short whist for five-penny points sets in--then Greek +meets Greek, and we'll have it." + +During all this melee tournament, I perceived that the worthy jib as +he would be called in the parlance of Trinity, Mr. Cudmore, remained +perfectly silent, and apparently terrified. The noise, the din of +voices, and the laughing, so completely addled him, that he was like one +in a very horrid dream. The attention with which I had observed him, +having been remarked by my friend O'Flaherty, he informed me that the +scholar, as he was called there, was then under a kind of cloud--an +adventure which occurred only two nights before, being too fresh in his +memory to permit him enjoying himself even to the limited extent it had +been his wont to do. As illustrative, not only of Mr. Cudmore, but the +life I have been speaking of, I may as well relate it. + +Soon after Mr. Cudmore's enlistment under the banners of the +Clanfrizzle, he had sought and found an asylum in the drawing-room of the +establishment, which promised, from its geographical relations, to expose +him less to the molestations of conversation than most other parts of the +room. This was a small recess beside the fire-place, not uncommon in +old-fashioned houses, and which, from its incapacity to hold more than +one, secured to the worthy recluse the privacy he longed for; and here, +among superannuated hearth-brushes, an old hand screen, an asthmatic +bellows, and a kettle-holder, sat the timid youth, "alone, but in a +crowd." Not all the seductions of loo, limited to three pence, nor even +that most appropriately designated game, beggar-my-neighbour--could +withdraw him from his blest retreat. Like his countryman, St. Kevin--my +friend Petrie has ascertained that the saint was a native of Tralee--he +fled from the temptations of the world, and the blandishments of the +fair; but, alas! like the saint himself, the + + "poor jib little knew + All that wily sex can do;" + +For while he hugged himself in the security of his fortress, the web of +his destiny was weaving. So true is it, as he himself used, no less +pathetically than poetically to express it, "misfortune will find you +out, if ye were hid in a tay chest." + +It happened that in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, the "enfant bleu," +already mentioned, was the only individual of his sex retained; and +without for a moment disparaging the ability or attentions of this gifted +person, yet it may reasonably be credited, that in waiting on a party of +twenty-five or thirty persons at dinner, all of whom he had admitted as +porter, and announced as maitre d'hotel, with the subsequent detail of +his duties in the drawing-room, that Peter, blue Peter--his +boarding-house soubriquet--not enjoying the bird-like privilege of +"being in two places at once," gave one rather the impression of a +person of hasty and fidgetty habits--for which nervous tendency the +treatment he underwent was certainly injudicious--it being the +invariable custom for each guest to put his services in requisition, +perfectly irrespective of all other claims upon him, from whatsoever +quarter coming--and then, at the precise moment that the luckless valet +was snuffing the candles, he was abused by one for not bringing coal; by +another for having carried off his tea-cup, sent on an expedition for +sugar; by a third for having left the door open, which he had never been +near; and so on to the end of the chapter. + +It chanced that a few evenings previous to my appearance at the house, +this indefatigable Caleb was ministering as usual to the various and +discrepant wants of the large party assembled in the drawing-room. With +his wonted alacrity he had withdrawn from their obscure retreat against +the wall, sundry little tables, destined for the players at whist, or +"spoil five"--the popular game of the establishment. With a dexterity +that savoured much of a stage education, he had arranged the candles, the +cards, the counters; he had poked the fire, settled the stool for Miss +Riley's august feet, and was busily engaged in changing five shillings +into small silver for a desperate victim of loo--when Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +third, and, as it appeared, last time, of asking for the kettle smote +upon his ear. His loyalty would have induced him at once to desert every +thing on such an occasion; but the other party engaged, held him fast, +saying-- + +"Never mind HER, Peter--you have sixpence more to give me." + +Poor Peter rummaged one pocket, then another--discovering at last three +pence in copper, and some farthings, with which he seemed endeavouring to +make a composition with his creditor for twelve shillings in the pound; +when Mrs. Clan's patience finally becoming exhausted, she turned towards +Mr. Cudmore, the only unemployed person she could perceive, and with her +blandest smile said, + +"Mr. Cudmore, may I take the liberty of requesting you would hand me the +kettle beside you." + +Now, though the kettle aforesaid was, as the hostess very properly +observed, beside him, yet the fact that in complying with the demand, it +was necessary for the bashful youth to leave the recess he occupied, and, +with the kettle, proceed to walk half across the room--there to perform +certain manual operations requiring skill and presence of mind, before a +large and crowded assembly--was horror to the mind of the poor Jib; and +he would nearly as soon have acceded to a desire to dance a hornpipe, if +such had been suggested as the wish of the company. However, there was +nothing for it; and summoning up all his nerve--knitting his brows +--clenching his teeth, like one prepared to "do or die," he seized the +hissing cauldron, and strode through the room, like the personified +genius of steam, very much to the alarm of all the old ladies in the +vicinity, whose tasteful drapery benefitted but little from his progress. +Yet he felt but little of all this; he had brought up his courage to the +sticking place, and he was absolutely half unconscious of the whole scene +before him; nor was it till some kind mediator had seized his arm, while +another drew him back by the skirts of the coat, that he desisted from +the deluge of hot water, with which, having filled the tea-pot, he +proceeded to swamp every thing else upon the tray, in his unfortunate +abstraction. Mrs. Clanfrizzle screamed--the old ladies accompanied her +--the young ones tittered--the men laughed--and, in a word, poor Cudmore, +perfectly unconscious of any thing extraordinary, felt himself the +admired of all admirers,--very little, it is true, to his own +satisfaction. After some few minutes exposure to these eclats de rire, +he succeeded in depositing the source of his griefs within the fender, +and once more retired to his sanctuary,--having registered a vow, which, +should I speak it, would forfeit his every claim to gallantry for ever. + +Whether in the vow aforesaid Mr. Cudmore had only been engaged in that +species of tesselating which furnishes the pavement so celebrated in the +lower regions, I know not; but true it is, that he retired that night to +his chamber very much discomfited at his debut in the great world, and +half disposed to believe that nature had neither intended him for a +Brummel nor a D'Orsay. While he was ruminating on such matters, he was +joined by O'Flaherty, with whom he had been always more intimate than any +other inmate of the house--Tom's tact having entirely concealed what the +manners of the others too plainly evinced, the perfect appreciation of +the student's oddity and singularity. After some few observations on +general matters, O'Flaherty began with a tone of some seriousness to +express towards Cudmore the warm interest he had ever taken in him, since +his first coming among them; his great anxiety for his welfare, and his +firm resolve that no chance or casual inattention to mere ceremonial +observances on his part should ever be seized on by the other guests +as a ground for detraction or an excuse for ridicule of him. + +"Rely upon it, my dear boy," said he, "I have watched over you like a +parent; and having partly foreseen that something like this affair of +to-night would take place sooner or later"-- + +"What affair?" said Cudmore--his eyes staring half out of his head. + +"That business of the kettle." + +"Kett--el. The kettle! What of that?" said Cudmore. + +"What of it? Why, if you don't feel it, I am sure it is not my duty to +remind you; only"-- + +"Feel it--oh, yes. I saw them laughing, because I spilled the water over +old Mrs. Jones, or something of that sort." + +"No, no, my dear young friend, they were not laughing at that--their +mirth had another object." + +"What the devil was it at, then?" + +"You don't know, don't you?" + +"No; I really do not." + +"Nor can't guess--eh?" + +"Confound me if I can." + +"Well. I see, Mr. Cudmore, you are really too innocent for these +people. But come--it shall never be said that youth and inexperience +ever suffered from the unworthy ridicule and cold sarcasm of the base +world, while Tom O'Flaherty stood by a spectator. + +"Sir," said Tom, striking his hand with energy on the table, and darting +a look of fiery indignation from his eye, "Sir, you were this night +trepanned--yes, sir, vilely, shamefully trepanned--I repeat the +expression--into the performance of a menial office--an office so +degrading, so offensive, so unbecoming the rank, the station, and the +habits of gentlemen, my very blood recoils when I only think of the +indignity." + +The expression of increasing wonder and surprise depicted in Mr. +Cudmore's face at these words, my friend Phiz might convey--I cannot +venture to describe it--suffice it to say, that even O'Flaherty himself +found it difficult to avoid a burst of laughter, as he looked at him and +resumed. + +"Witnessing, as I did, the entire occurrence; feeling deeply for the +inexperience which the heartless worldlings had dared to trample upon, +I resolved to stand by you, and here I am come for that purpose." + +"Well, but what in the devil's name have I done all this time?" + +"What! are you still ignorant?--is it possible? Did you not hand the +kettle from the fire-place, and fill the tea-pot?--answer me that!" + +"I did," said Cudmore, with a voice already becoming tremulous. + +"Is that the duty of a gentleman?--answer me that." + +A dead pause stood in place of a reply, while Tom proceeded-- + +"Did you ever hear any one ask me, or Counsellor Daly, or Mr. Fogarty, +or any other person to do so?--answer me that." + +"No; never" muttered Cudmore, with a sinking spirit. + +"Well then why may I ask, were you selected for an office that by your +own confession, no one else would stoop to perform? I'll tell you, +because from your youth and inexperience, your innocence was deemed a fit +victim to the heartless sneers of a cold and unfeeling world." +And here Tom broke forth into a very beautiful apostrophe, beginning-- + +"Oh, virtue!" (this I am unfortunately unable to present to my readers; +and must only assure them that it was a very faithful imitation of the +well-known one delivered by Burke in the case of Warren Hastings,) and +concluding with an exhortation to Cudmore to wipe out the stain of his +wounded honour, by repelling with indignation the slightest future +attempt at such an insult. + +This done, O'Flaherty retired, leaving Cudmore to dig among Greek roots, +and chew over the cud of his misfortune. Punctual to the time and place, +that same evening beheld the injured Cudmore resume his wonted corner, +pretty much with the feeling with which a forlorn hope stands match in +hand to ignite the train destined to explode with ruin to thousands +--himself perhaps amongst the number: there he sat with a brain as +burning, and a heart as excited, as though, instead of sipping his bohea +beside a sea-coal fire, he was that instant trembling beneath the frown +of Dr. Elrington, for the blunders in his Latin theme, and what terror +to the mind of a "Jib" can equal that one? + +As luck would have it, this was a company night in the boarding-house. +Various young ladies in long blue sashes, and very broad ribbon sandals, +paraded the rooms, chatting gaily with very distinguished looking young +gentlemen, with gold brooches, and party-coloured inside waistcoats; +sundry elderly ladies sat at card-tables, discussing the "lost honour by +an odd trick they played," with heads as large as those of Jack or Jill +in the pantomime; spruce clerks in public offices, (whose vocation the +expansive tendency of the right ear, from long pen-carrying, betokened) +discussed fashion, "and the musical glasses" to some very over-dressed +married ladies, who preferred flirting to five-and-ten. The tea-table, +over which the amiable hostess presided, had also its standing votaries: +mostly grave parliamentary-looking gentlemen, with powdered heads, +and very long-waisted black coats, among whom the Sir Oracle was a +functionary of his Majesty's High Court of Chancery, though I have reason +to believe, not, Lord Manners: meanwhile, in all parts of the room might +be seen Blue Peter, distributing tea, coffee, and biscuit, and +occasionally interchanging a joke with the dwellers in the house. While +all these pleasing occupations proceeded, the hour of Cudmore's trial was +approaching. The tea-pot which had stood the attack of fourteen cups +without flinching, at last began to fail, and discovered to the prying +eyes of Mrs. Clanfrizzle, nothing but an olive-coloured deposit of soft +matter, closely analogous in appearance and chemical property to the +residuary precipitate in a drained fish-pond; she put down the lid with +a gentle sigh and turning towards the fire bestowed one of her very +blandest and most captivating looks on Mr. Cudmore, saying--as plainly +as looks could say--"Cudmore, you're wanting." Whether the youth did, +or did not understand, I am unable to record: I can only say, the appeal +was made without acknowledgment. Mrs. Clanfrizzle again essayed, and by +a little masonic movement of her hand to the tea-pot, and a sly glance at +the hob, intimated her wish--still hopelessly; at last there was nothing +for it but speaking; and she donned her very softest voice, and most +persuasive tone, saying-- + +"Mr. Cudmore, I am really very troublesome: will you permit me to ask +you?"-- + +"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" said Cudmore, with a voice that startled +the whole room, disconcerting three whist parties, and so absorbing the +attention of the people at loo, that the pool disappeared without any one +being able to account for the circumstance. + +"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" + +"If you will be so very kind," lisped the hostess. + +"Well, then, upon my conscience, you are impudent," said Cudmore, with +his face crimsoned to the ears, and his eyes flashing fire. + +"Why, Mr. Cudmore," began the lady, "why, really, this is so strange. +Why sir, what can you mean?" + +"Just that," said the imperturbable jib, who now that his courage was up, +dared every thing. + +"But sir, you must surely have misunderstood me. I only asked for the +kettle, Mr. Cudmore." + +"The devil a more," said Cud, with a sneer. + +"Well, then, of course"-- + +"Well, then, I'll tell you, of course," said he, repeating her words; +"the sorrow taste of the kettle, I'll give you. Call you own skip--Blue +Pether there--damn me, if I'll be your skip any longer." + +For the uninitiated I have only to add, that "skip" is the Trinity +College appellation for servant, which was therefore employed by Mr. +Cudmore, on this occasion, as expressing more contemptuously his sense +of the degradation of the office attempted to be put upon him. Having +already informed my reader on some particulars of the company, I leave +him to suppose how Mr. Cudmore's speech was received. Whist itself was +at an end for that evening, and nothing but laughter, long, loud, and +reiterated, burst from every corner of the room for hours after. + +As I have so far travelled out of the record of my own peculiar +confessions, as to give a leaf from what might one day form the matter of +Mr. Cudmore's, I must now make the only amende in my power, by honestly +narrating, that short as my visit was to the classic precincts of this +agreeable establishment, I did not escape without exciting my share of +ridicule, though, I certainly had not the worst of the joke, and may, +therefore, with better grace tell the story, which, happily for my +readers, is a very brief one. A custom prevailed in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +household, which from my unhappy ignorance of boarding-houses, I am +unable to predicate if it belong to the genera at large, or this one +specimen in particular, however, it is a sufficiently curious fact, even +though thereby hang no tale, for my stating it here. The decanters on +the dinner-table were never labelled, with their more appropriate +designation of contents, whether claret, sherry, or port, but with the +names of their respective owners, it being a matter of much less +consequence that any individual at table should mix his wine, by pouring +"port upon madeira," than commit the truly legal offence of appropriating +to his own use and benefit, even by mistake, his neighbour's bottle. +However well the system may work among the regular members of the +"domestic circle," and I am assured that it does succeed extremely +--to the newly arrived guest, or uninitiated visitor, the affair is +perplexing, and leads occasionally to awkward results. + +It so chanced, from my friend O'Flaherty's habitual position at the foot +of the table, and my post of honour near the head, that on the first day +of my appearing there, the distance between us, not only precluded all +possible intercourse, but any of those gentle hints as to habits and +customs, a new arrival looks for at the hands of his better informed +friend. The only mode of recognition, to prove that we belonged to each +other, being by that excellent and truly English custom of drinking wine +together, Tom seized the first idle moment from his avocation as carver +to say, + +"Lorrequer, a glass of wine with you." + +Having, of course, acceded, he again asked, + +"What wine do you drink?" intending thereby, as I afterwards learned, to +send me from his end of the table, what wine I selected. Not conceiving +the object of the inquiry, and having hitherto without hesitation helped +myself from the decanter, which bore some faint resemblance to sherry, +I immediately turned for correct information to the bottle itself, upon +whose slender neck was ticketed the usual slip of paper. My endeavours +to decypher the writing occupied time sufficient again to make O'Flaherty +ask, + +"Well, Harry, I'm waiting for you. Will you have port?" + +"No, I thank you," I replied, having by this revealed the inscription. +"No, I thank you; I'll just stick to my old friend here, Bob M'Grotty;" +for thus I rendered familiarly the name of Rt. M'Grotty on the decanter, +and which I in my ignorance believed to be the boarding-house soubriquet +for bad sherry. That Mr. M'Grotty himself little relished my familiarity +with either his name or property I had a very decisive proof, for turning +round upon his chair, and surveying my person from head to foot with a +look of fiery wrath, he thundered out in very broad Scotch, + +"And by my saul, my freend, ye may just as weel finish it noo, for deil a +glass o' his ain wine did Bob M'Grotty, as ye ca' him, swallow this day." + +The convulsion of laughter into which my blunder and the Scotchman's +passion threw the whole board, lasted till the cloth was withdrawn, and +the ladies had retired to the drawing-room, the only individual at table +not relishing the mistake being the injured proprietor of the bottle, who +was too proud to accept reparation from my friend's decanter, and would +scarcely condescend to open his lips during the evening; notwithstanding +which display of honest indignation, we contrived to become exceedingly +merry and jocose, most of the party communicating little episodes of +their life, in which, it is true, they frequently figured in situations +that nothing but their native and natural candour would venture to avow. +One story I was considerably amused at; it was told by the counsellor, +Mr. Daly, in illustration of the difficulty of rising at the bar, and +which, as showing his own mode of obviating the delay that young +professional men submit to from hard necessity, as well as in evidence of +his strictly legal turn, I shall certainly recount, one of these days, +for the edification of the junior bar. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CHASE. + +On the morning after my visit to the boarding-house, I received a few +hurried lines from Curzon, informing me that no time was to be lost in +joining the regiment--that a grand fancy ball was about to be given by +the officers of the Dwarf frigate, then stationed off Dunmore; who, when +inviting the ___, specially put in a demand for my well-known services, +to make it to go off, and concluding with an extract from the Kilkenny +Moderator, which ran thus-- + + "An intimation has just reached us, from a quarter on which we can + place the fullest reliance, that the celebrated amateur performer, + Mr. Lorrequer, may shortly be expected amongst us; from the many + accounts we have received of this highly-gifted gentleman's powers, + we anticipate a great treat to the lovers of the drama," &c. &c. + "So you see, my dear Hal," continued Curzon, "thy vocation calls + thee; therefore come, and come quickly--provide thyself with a black + satin costume, slashed with light blue--point lace collar and + ruffles--a Spanish hat looped in front--and, if possible, a long + rapier, with a flap hilt.--Carden is not here; so you may show your + face under any colour with perfect impunity.--Yours from the side + scenes, + + "C. Curzon." + +This clever epistle sufficed to show me that the gallant __th had gone +clean theatrical mad; and although from my "last appearance on any +stage," it might be supposed I should feel no peculiar desire to repeat +the experiment, yet the opportunity of joining during Col. Carden's +absence, was too tempting to resist, and I at once made up my mind to +set out, and, without a moment's delay, hurried across the street to +the coach office, to book myself an inside in the mail of that night; +fortunately no difficulty existed in my securing the seat, for the +way-bill was a perfect blank, and I found myself the only person who had, +as yet, announced himself a passenger. On returning to my hotel, I found +O'Flaherty waiting for me; he was greatly distressed on hearing my +determination to leave town--explained how he had been catering for my +amusement for the week to come--that a picnic to the Dargle was arranged +in a committee of the whole house, and a boating party, with a dinner at +the Pigeon-house, was then under consideration; resisting, however, such +extreme temptations, I mentioned the necessity of my at once proceeding +to headquarters, and all other reasons for my precipitancy failing, +concluded with that really knock-down argument, "I have taken my place;" +this, I need scarcely add, finished the matter--at least I have never +known it fail in such cases. Tell your friends that your wife is hourly +expecting to be confined; your favourite child is in the measles--you +best friend waiting your aid in an awkward scrape--your one vote only +wanting to turn the scale in an election. Tell them, I say, each or all +of these, or a hundred more like them, and to any one you so speak, the +answer is--"Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, never fear--don't fuss yourself +--take it easy--to-morrow will do just as well." If, on the other hand, +however, you reject such flimsy excuses, and simply say, "I'm booked in +the mail," the opposition at once falls to the ground, and your quondam +antagonist, who was ready to quarrel with you, is at once prepared to +assist in packing your portmanteau. + +Having soon satisfied my friend Tom that resistance was in vain, I +promised to eat an early dinner with him at Morrisson's, and spent the +better part of the morning in putting down a few notes of my Confessions, +as well as the particulars of Mr. Daly's story, which, I believe, I half +or wholly promised my readers at the conclusion of my last chapter; but +which I must defer to a more suitable opportunity, when mentioning the +next occasion of my meeting him on the southern circuit. + +My dispositions were speedily made. I was fortunate in securing the +exact dress my friend's letter alluded to among the stray costumes of +Fishamble-street; and rich in the possession of the only "properties" it +has been my lot to acquire, I despatched my treasure to the coach office, +and hastened to Morrisson's, it being by this time nearly five o'clock. +There, true to time, I found O'Flaherty deep in the perusal of the bill, +along which figured the novel expedients for dining, I had been in the +habit of reading in every Dublin hotel since my boyhood. "Mock turtle, +mutton, gravy, roast beef and potatoes--shoulder of mutton and potatoes! +--ducks and peas, potatoes!! ham and chicken, cutlet steak and +potatoes!!! apple tart and cheese:" with a slight cadenza of a sigh over +the distant glories of Very, or still better the "Freres," we sat down to +a very patriarchal repast, and what may be always had par excellence in +Dublin, a bottle of Sneyd's claret. + +Poor Tom's spirits were rather below their usual pitch; and although he +made many efforts to rally and appear gay, he could not accomplish it. +However, we chatted away over old times and old friends, and forgetting +all else but the topics we talked of, the time-piece over the chimney +first apprised me that two whole hours had gone by, and that it was now +seven o'clock, the very hour the coach was to start. I started up at +once, and notwithstanding all Tom's representations of the impossibility +of my being in time, had despatched waiters in different directions for a +jarvey, more than ever determined upon going; so often is it that when +real reasons for our conduct are wanting, any casual or chance opposition +confirms us in an intention which before was but uncertain. Seeing me so +resolved, Tom, at length, gave way, and advised my pursuing the mail, +which must be now gone at least ten minutes, and which, with smart +driving, I should probably overtake before getting free of the city, as +they have usually many delays in so doing. I at once ordered out the +"yellow post-chaise," and before many minutes had elapsed, what, with +imprecation and bribery, I started in pursuit of his Majesty's Cork and +Kilkenny mail coach, then patiently waiting in the court-yard of the Post +Office. + +"Which way now, your honor?" said a shrill voice from the dark--for such +the night had already become, and threatened with a few heavy drops of +straight rain, the fall of a tremendous shower. + +"The Naas road," said I; "and, harkye, my fine fellow, if you overtake +the coach in half an hour, I'll double your fare." + +"Be gorra, I'll do my endayvour," said the youth; at the same time +instant dashing in both spurs, we rattled down Nassau-street at a very +respectable pace for harriers. Street after street we passed, and at +last I perceived we had got clear of the city, and were leaving the long +line of lamp-lights behind us. The night was now pitch dark. I could +not see any thing whatever. The quick clattering of the wheels, the +sharp crack of the postillion's whip, or the still sharper tone of his +"gee hup," showed me we were going at a tremendous pace, had I not even +had the experience afforded by the frequent visits my head paid to the +roof of the chaise, so often as we bounded over a stone, or splashed +through a hollow. Dark and gloomy as it was, I constantly let down the +window, and with half my body protruded, endeavores to catch a glimpse of +the "Chase;" but nothing could I see. The rain now fell in actual +torrents; and a more miserable night it is impossible to conceive. + +After about an hour so spent, he at last came to a check, so sudden and +unexpected on my part, that I was nearly precipitated, harlequin fashion, +through the front window. Perceiving that we no longer moved, and +suspecting that some part of our tackle had given way, I let down the +sash, and cried out--"Well now, my lad, any thing wrong?" My questions +was, however, unheard; and although, amid the steam arising from the wet +and smoking horses, I could perceive several figures indistinctly moving +about, I could not distinguish what they were doing, nor what they said. +A laugh I certainly did hear, and heartily cursed the unfeeling wretch, +as I supposed him to be, who was enjoying himself at my disappointment. +I again endeavoured to find out what had happened, and called out still +louder than before. + +"We are at Ra'coole, your honor," said the boy, approaching the door of +the chaise, "and she's only beat us by hafe a mile." + +"Who the devil is she?" said I. + +"The mail, your honor, is always a female in Ireland." + +"Then why do you stop now? You're not going to feed I suppose?" + +"Of course not, your honor, it's little feeding troubles these bastes, +any how, but they tell me the road is so heavy we'll never take the +chaise over the next stage without leaders." + +"Without leaders!" said I. "Pooh! my good fellow, no humbugging, +four horses for a light post-chaise and no luggage; come get up, and no +nonsense." At this moment a man approached the window with a lantern in +his hand, and so strongly represented the dreadful state of the roads +from the late rains--the length of the stage--the frequency of accidents +latterly from under-horsing, &c. &c. that I yielded, a reluctant assent, +and ordered out the leaders, comforting myself the while, that +considering the inside fare of the coach, I made such efforts to +overtake, was under a pound, and that time was no object to me, I +certainly was paying somewhat dearly for my character for resolution. + +At last we got under way once more, and set off cheered by a tremendous +shout from at least a dozen persons, doubtless denizens of that +interesting locality, amid which I once again heard the laugh that had so +much annoyed me already. The rain was falling, if possible, more heavily +than before, and had evidently set in for the entire night. Throwing +myself back into a corner of the "leathern convenience," I gave myself up +to the full enjoyment of the Rouchefoucauld maxim, that there is always a +pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friends, and certainly +experienced no small comfort in my distress, by contrasting my present +position with that of my two friends in the saddle, as they sweltered on +through mud and mire, rain and storm. On we went, splashing, bumping, +rocking, and jolting, till I began at last to have serious thoughts of +abdicating the seat and betaking myself to the bottom of the chaise, for +safety and protection. Mile after mile succeeded, and as after many a +short and fitful slumber, which my dreams gave an apparent length to, +I woke only to find myself still in pursuit--the time seemed so +enormously protracted that I began to fancy my whole life was to be +passed in the dark, in chase of the Kilkenny mail, as we read in the true +history of the flying Dutchman, who, for his sins of impatience--like +mine--spent centuries vainly endeavouring to double the Cape, or the +Indian mariner in Moore's beautiful ballad, of whom we are told as-- + + "Many a day to night gave way, + And many a morn succeeded, + Yet still his flight, by day and night, + That restless mariner speeded." + +This might have been all very well in the tropics, with a smart craft and +doubtless plenty of sea store--but in a chaise, at night, and on the Naas +road, I humbly suggest I had all the worse of the parallel. + +At last the altered sound of the wheels gave notice of our approach +to a town, and after about twenty minutes; rattling over the pavement +we entered what I supposed, correctly, to be Naas. Here I had long since +determined my pursuit should cease. I had done enough, and more than +enough, to vindicate my fame against any charge of irresolution as to +leaving Dublin, and was bethinking me of the various modes of prosecuting +my journey on the morrow, when we drew up suddenly at the door of the +Swan. The arrival of a chaise and four at a small country town inn, +suggests to the various employees therein, any thing rather than the +traveller in pursuit of the mail, and so the moment I arrived, I was +assailed with innumerable proffers of horses, supper, bed, &c. My +anxious query was thrice repeated in vain, "When did the coach pass?" + +"The mail," replied the landlord at length. "Is it the down mail?" + +Not understanding the technical, I answered, "Of course not the Down--the +Kilkenny and Cork mail." + +"From Dublin, sir?" + +"Yes, from Dublin." + +"Not arrived yet, sir, nor will it for three quarters of an hour; they +never leave Dublin till a quarter past seven; that is, in fact, half +past, and their time here is twenty minutes to eleven." + +"Why, you stupid son of a boot-top, we have been posting on all night +like the devil, and all this time the coach has been ten miles behind +us." + +"Well, we've cotch them any how," said the urchin, as he disengaged +himself from his wet saddle, and stood upon the ground; "and it is not my +fault that the coach is not before us." + +With a satisfactory anathema upon all innkeepers, waiters, hostlers, and +post-boys, with a codicil including coach-proprietors, I followed the +smirking landlord into a well-lighted room, with a blazing fire, when +having ordered supper, I soon regained my equanimity. + +My rasher and poached eggs, all Naas could afford me, were speedily +despatched, and as my last glass, from my one pint of sherry, was poured +out, the long expected coach drew up. A minute after the coachman +entered to take his dram, followed by the guard; a more lamentable +spectacle of condensed moisture cannot be conceived; the rain fell from +the entire circumference of his broad-brimmed hat, like the ever-flowing +drop from the edge of an antique fountain; his drab-coat had become a +deep orange hue, while his huge figure loomed still larger, as he stood +amid a nebula of damp, that would have made an atmosphere for the +Georgium Sidus. + +"Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and no +chance of its clearing, but of course you're inside." + +"Why, there is very little doubt of that," said I. "Are you nearly full +inside?" + +"Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries at +the office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when he +heard that one place had been taken--your's, I believe, sir--he seemed +like a scalded bear." + +"You don't know his name then?" + +"No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is two +brown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeed +he never lets them from him even for a second." + +Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy, +and prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom, +however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churl +that made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of any +one else's convenience. + +As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulated +myself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind and +rain that railed about. + +"Here's the step, sir," said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes late +already." + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said I, as I half fell over the legs of my +unseen companion. "May I request leave to pass you?" While he made way +for me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards the +guard, and said something, who from his answer had evidently been +questioned as to who I was. "And how did he get here, if he took his +place in Dublin?" asked the unknown. + +"Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four," said the guard, as +he banged the door behind him, and closed the interview. + +Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxiety +about my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feeling +gratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coach +office, I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me. + +"A severe night, sir," said I, endeavouring to break ground in +conversation. + +"Mighty severe," briefly and half crustily replied the unknown, with a +richness of brogue, that might have stood for a certificate of baptism +in Cork or its vicinity. + +"And a bad road too, sir," said I, remembering my lately accomplished +stage. + +"That's the reason I always go armed," said the unknown, clinking at the +same moment something like the barrel of a pistol. + +Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I felt +disposed to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about to +address myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could. + +"I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir," said +he, as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paper +packages the guard had already alluded to. + +In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols, +which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon which +he immediately started, and asked hurriedly--"and are you armed too?" + +"Why, yes," said I, laughingly; "men of my trade seldom go without +something of this kind." + +"Be gorra, I was just thinking that same," said the traveller, with a +half sigh to himself. + +Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself to +canvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I was +startled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottom +of my companion's heart. + +"Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety. + +"You might say that," replied he--"if you knew who you were talking to +--although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me till +now." + +"Without having that pleasure even yet," said I, "it would grieve me to +think you should be ill in the coach." + +"May be it might," briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaning +in his words I could not then understand. "Did ye never hear tell of +Barney Doyle?" said he. + +"Not to my recollection." + +"Then I'm Barney," said he; "that's in all the newspapers in the +metropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four in +the Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger, +I'm thinking, or you'd know me now." + +"Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last six +months." + +"Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling with +me, if you knew who it was." + +"Why, really," said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of the +hints of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meeting +you." + +"It's pleasure ye call it; then there's no accountin' for tastes, +as Dr. Colles said, when he saw me bite Cusack Rooney's thumb off." + +"Bite a man's thumb off!" said I, in a horror. + +"Ay," said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wish +you'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait to +ax for a fee." + +Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I. "And, may I ask sir," +said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reason +for this singular propensity of yours?" + +"There it is now, my dear," said he, laying his hand upon my knee +familiarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says, +it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and some +of the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my real +impression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all." + +"And have they no name for the malady?" said I. + +"Oh sure enough they have a name for it." + +"And, may I ask--" + +"Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might be +throublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; and +it might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of the +fits." + +"One of the fits! Why it's not possible, sir," said I, "you would travel +in a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surely +would not permit it?" + +"Why, if they knew, perhaps," slily responded the interesting invalid, +"if they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped only +last night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they find +I'm off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time." + +"Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?" + +"They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infection +comes first from the dog." + +"You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia," said I, my hair actually +bristling with horror and consternation. + +"Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though." + +"And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for the +answer. + +"This is the ninth day since I took to biting," said he gravely, +perfectly unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information was +calculated to convey. + +"Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted in +travelling in a public coach, exposing others--" + +"You'd better not raise your voice, that way," quietly responded he, "if +I'm roused, it 'll be worse for ye, that's all." + +"Well but," said I, moderating my zeal, "is it exactly prudent, in your +present delicate state, to undertake a journey?" + +"Ah," said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox hounds +throw off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothing +else; but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might be +throublesome." + +"Upon my soul," thought I, "I shall not select that morning for my debut +in the field." + +"I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road--any thing +else, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water--running water +particularly--makes me throublesome." + +Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the cold +perspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must be +within about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should have +to pass a very wide river. I strictly concealed this fact from him, +however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, or +rivulet, for forty miles on either side of us. He now sunk into a kind +of moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as if +speaking to himself--what this might portend, I knew not--but thought it +better, under all circumstances, not to disturb him. How comfortable my +present condition was, I need scarcely remark--sitting vis a vis to a +lunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession--who had already avowed +his consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and his inability to +master it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits of a +mail-coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and no +possibility of escape--how heartily I wished myself back in the +Coffee-room at Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom--the infernal +chaise, that I cursed a hundred times, would have been an "exchange," +better than into the Life Guards--ay, even the outside of the coach, if +I could only reach it, would, under present circumstances, be a glorious +alternative to my existing misfortune. What were rain and storm, +thunder and lightning, compared with the chances that awaited me here? +--wet through I should inevitably be, but then I had not yet contracted +the horror of moisture my friend opposite laboured under. "Ha! what is +that? is it possible he can be asleep; is it really a snore?--Heaven +grant that little snort be not what the medical people call a +premonitory symptom--if so, he'll be in upon me now in no time. Ah, +there it is again; he must be asleep surely; now then is my time or +never." With these words, muttered to myself, and a heart throbbing +almost audibly at the risk of his awakening, I slowly let down the +window of the coach, and stretching forth my hand, turned the handle +cautiously and slowly; I next disengaged my legs, and by a long +continuous effort of creeping--which I had learned perfectly once, when +practising to go as a boa constrictor to a fancy ball--I withdrew myself +from the seat and reached the step, when I muttered something very like +a thanksgiving to Providence for my rescue. With little difficulty I now +climbed up beside the guard, whose astonishment at my appearance was +indeed considerable--that any man should prefer the out, to the inside +of a coach, in such a night, was rather remarkable; but that the person +so doing should be totally unprovided with a box-coat, or other similar +protection, argued something so strange, that I doubt not, if he were to +decide upon the applicability of the statute of lunacy to a traveller in +the mail, the palm would certainly have been awarded to me, and not to +my late companion. Well, on we rolled, and heavily as the rain poured +down, so relieved did I feel at my change of position, that I soon fell +fast asleep, and never awoke till the coach was driving up Patrick +street. Whatever solace to my feelings reaching the outside of the coach +might have been attended with at night, the pleasure I experienced on +awaking, was really not unalloyed. More dead than alive, I sat a mass +of wet clothes, like nothing under heaven except it be that morsel of +black and spongy wet cotton at the bottom of a schoolboy's ink bottle, +saturated with rain, and the black dye of my coat. My hat too had +contributed its share of colouring matter, and several long black +streaks coursed down my "wrinkled front," giving me very much the air of +an Indian warrior, who had got the first priming of his war paint. I +certainly must have been rueful object, were I only to judge from the +faces of the waiters as they gazed on me when the coach drew up at Rice +and Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, and weary as I was, my curiosity to learn +more of my late agreeable companion was strong as ever within me +--perhaps stronger, from the sacrifices his acquaintance had exacted +from me. Before, however, I had disengaged myself from the pile of +trunks and carpet bags I had surrounded myself with--he had got out of +the coach, and all I could catch a glimpse of was the back of a little +short man in a kind of grey upper coat, and long galligaskins on his +legs. He carried his two bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly up +the steps of the hotel, without turning his head to either side. + +"Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend," I cried out, as I +sprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after the +great unknown into the coffee-room. By the time I reached it he had +approached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited the +mysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himself +of his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had time +to appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before he +perceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, and +throwing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat; +and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayed +to my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of Doctor +Finucane. + +"Why, Doctor--Doctor Finucane," cried I, "is this possible? were you +really the inside in the mail last night." + +"Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask,--were +you the outside?" + +"Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story about +Barney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb--eh?" + +"Oh, by the Lord," said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and it +was you that I drove outside in all the rain last night! Oh, it will +kill Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and he +burst out into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break his +head with the poker. + +"Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of your +was contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to the +ridicule of your confounded acquaintances." + +"Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience," said Fin, drying his eyes, +and endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental. "If I had only the least +suspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had the +hydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the only +one frightened--you alarmed me devilishly too." + +"I alarmed you! Why, how can that be?" + +"Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notes +down to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork--fifteen thousand pounds +--devil a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after driving +there with your four horses, I thought it was all up with me. The guard +just whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of your +pistols before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary, +before you'd count five. Well, when you got seated, the thought came +into my mind that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dying +a natural death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so I +trumped up that long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman's +thumb, and devil knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, the +cold perspiration was running down my head and face, for every time you +stirred, I said to myself, now he'll do it. Two or three times, do you +know, I was going to offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare my +life; and once, God forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan to +shoot you by 'mistake,' do you perceave?" + +"Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessively +kind intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me on +the present occasion. But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, and +before I go, promise me two things--to dine with us to-day at the mess, +and not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night--it tells, +believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if these +confounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out, +or quit the army; I'll never hear the end of it!" + +"Never fear, my boy; trust me. I'll dine with you, and you're as safe as +a church-mouse for any thing I'll tell them; so, now you'd better change +your clothes, for I'm thinking it rained last night." + +Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left the +room, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I had +made, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to; +"however," thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; the +whole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I may +shoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me." +Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what with +mulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being a +warm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, strait +waistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my late +companion's narrative so readily suggested. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK. + +At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy Doctor +Finucane to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobserved +by him, to inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend was +really a character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in good +stories than even the generality of his countrymen. + +Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening. +Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainly +perceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund of +humour, quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnished +throughout by his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana," kept +us from one roar of laughter to another. It was just at the moment in +which his spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune to +call upon him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded to +on the ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a great +desire to hear from Fin's own lips. He seemed disposed to escape telling +it, and upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked, + +"You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in; +and these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've been +labouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freely +down this quarter." + +I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace across +the table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor's +tone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptoms +of fun than suffering about it, called out together-- + +"Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack--pray +relate it." + +"With Mr. Lorrequer's permission I'm your slave, gentlemen," said Fin, +finishing off his glass. + +"Oh, as for me," I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detail +whatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement." + +"Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, and +we are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes, +whatever they be." + +"Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave; +but now that he sees no objection--Eh, do you though? if so, then, don't +be winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a syllable +of it I'll tell to man or mortal." + +The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across the +table, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphic +signals I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversation +into any other channel. + +"Then, that's enough," continued he sotto voce--"I see you'd rather I'd +not tell it." + +"Tell it and be d____d," said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacity +with which the villain assailed me. My most unexpected energy threw the +whole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began his +narrative of the mail-coach adventure. + +I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these my +Confessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, when +entrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet's +feeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincere +condolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy upon +the distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came to +describe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitate +retreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that was +not convulsed with laughter---and, shall I acknowledge it, even I myself +was unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general chorus +against myself. + +"Well," said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if ye +haven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject. Maybe, +however, you're not so cruel after all--here's a toast for you, 'a speedy +recovery to Cusack Rooney.'" This was drank amid renewed peals, with all +the honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, to wish +every man of them hanged. It was to no purpose that I endeavoured to +turn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance to +a highwayman---his story had the precedence, and I met nothing during my +recital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; and +contemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense. + +"It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how," said Fin, +"for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure I +would not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight." + +"And besides, Doctor," added I, "it would not be your first blunder in +the dark." + +"True for you, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, good-humouredly; "and now that I +have told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybe +some of ye have heard it already--it's pretty well known in the North +Cork." + +We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a fresh +cooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while the +Doctor proceeded as follows:-- + +"It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered in +Maynooth, as many said, for our sins--for a more stupid place, the Lord +be merciful to it, never were men condemned to. The people at the +college were much better off than us--they had whatever was to be got in +the country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or night +patrols. Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fully +as well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite as +intimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine +--they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but whenever +they were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they were +always pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused, +by any chance, an invitation to dinner--no matter at what inconvenience. +Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by an +unfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones, +that gave a wrong pass one night--Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here he +alluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my Confessions) +--and from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the Abbe +D'Array, or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess. Well, the only +thing I could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at the +College in the evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and a +little social and intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and a +glass of punch, just to season the thing, before we separated; all done +discreetly and quietly--no shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior' +had a prejudice about profane songs. Well, one of those nights it was, +about the first week in February, I was detained by stress of weather +from 11 o'clock, when we usually bade good-night, to past twelve, and +then to one o'clock, waiting for a dry moment to get home to the +barracks--a good mile and a half off. Every time old Father Mahony went +to look at the weather, he came back saying, 'It's worse it's getting; +such a night of rain, glory be to God, never was seen.' So there was no +good in going out to be drenched to the skin, and I sat quietly waiting, +taking, between times, a little punch, just not to seem impatient, nor +distress their rev'rances. At last it struck two, and I thought--'well, +the decanter is empty now, and I think, if I mean to walk, I've taken +enough for the present;' so, wishing them all manner of happiness, and +pleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down stairs, and set out on my +journey. I was always in the habit of taking a short cut on my way home, +across the 'gurt na brocha,' the priest's meadows, as they call them, it +saved nearly half a mile, although, on the present occasion, it exposed +one wofully to the rain, for there was nothing to shelter against the +entire way, not even a tree. Well, out I set in a half trot, for I staid +so late I was pressed for time; besides, I felt it easier to run than +walk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop of drink I took got +into my head. Well, I was just jogging on across the common; the rain +beating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with the wet; +notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, to +lighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a man +sneezing. I stopped and listened,--in fact, it was impossible to see +your hand, the night was so dark--but I could hear nothing; the thought +then came over me, maybe it's something 'not good,' for there were very +ugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in these +meadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them. Just as +I was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might be +only a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a groan. +'The Lord be about us,' I said to myself, 'what's this?--have ye the +pass?' I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking here, +in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or not, +I was going to address him in Latin--there's nothing equal to the dead +languages to lay a ghost, every body knows. Faith the moment I said +these words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like than +before. 'If it's uneasy ye are,' says I, 'for any neglect of your +friends,' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thought +convenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of the +rain, for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home,' said +I, 'and, if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself, +rather than you should fret yourself this way.' The words were not well +out of my mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went right +through both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me,' said I, trembling. +'Amen,' says he, 'whether you're joking or not.' The moment he said that +my mind was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began to +laugh heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that's +roving about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for I +left him asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, my +friend, if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?' +He coughed then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, but +just perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a little +disguised in liquor. 'It's a good man's case,' said I, 'to take a little +too much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of my +hand, and I'll see you safe.' I stretched out my hand, and got him, not +by the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was all +dripping with wet, and had lost his hat. 'Well, you'll not be better of +this night's excursion,' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism; +and, now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe, +before I leave you?' What he said then I never could clearly make out, +for the wind and rain were both beating so hard against my face that I +could not hear a word; however, I was able just to perceive that he was +very much disguised in drink, and spoke rather thick. 'Well, never +mind,' said I, 'it's not a time of day for much conversation; so, come +along, and I'll see you safe in the guard-house, if you can't remember +your own place of abode in the meanwhile.' It was just at the moment I +said this that I first discovered he was not a gentleman. Well, now, +you'd never guess how I did it; and, faith I always thought it a very +cute thing of me, and both of us in the dark." + +"Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, under +the circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major. + +"Just guess how." + +"By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent," said Curzon. + +"Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone he +was in liquor." + +"Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test." + +"No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him for +fear of falling, for he was always stooping down. Well, you'd never +guess it; it was just by the touch of his foot." + +"His foot! Why how did that give you any information?" + +"There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have made +any thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to tread +upon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like the +weight of him. 'Well,' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you a +cold, my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feet +with such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you.' Well, he laughed +at that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I could +not help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, and +so we jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we were +sitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us. I am sure I +can't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the next +morning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; for +he was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and he +always kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almost +broke in keeping him upon his legs. I'm sure I never had a more +fatiguing march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and a +half; but every misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock, +striking by the college clock, as we reached the barracks. After +knocking a couple of times, and giving the countersign, the sentry opened +the small wicket, and my heart actually leaped with joy that I had done +with my friend; so, I just called out the sergeant of the guard, and +said, 'will you put that poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for I +found him on the common, and he could neither find his way home nor tell +me where he lived.' 'And where is he?' said the sergeant. 'He's outside +the gate there,' said I, 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had the +ague.' 'And is this him?' said the sergeant as we went outside. 'It +is,' said I, 'maybe you know him?' 'Maybe I've a guess,' said he, +bursting into a fit of laughing, that I thought he'd choke with. 'Well, +sergeant,' said I, 'I always took you for a humane man; but, if that's +the way you treat a fellow-creature in distress.' 'A fellow-creature,' +said he, laughing louder than before. 'Ay, a fellow-creature,' said I +--for the sergeant was an orangeman--'and if he differs from you in +matters of religion, sure he's your fellow-creature still.' 'Troth, +Doctor, I think there's another trifling difference betune us,' said he. +'Damn your politics,' said I; 'never let them interfere with true +humanity.' Wasn't I right, Major? 'Take good care of him, and there's a +half-a-crown for ye.' So saying these words, I steered along by the +barrack wall, and, after a little groping about, got up stairs to my +quarters, when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, and regular +habits of life, I soon fell fast asleep." + +When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from the +table, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of a +man who has brought his tale to a termination. + +"Well, but Doctor," said the Major, "you are surely not done. You have +not yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be." + +"That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do." + +"But, of course," said another, "your story does not end there." + +"And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he. "Didn't I bring +my hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtue +rewarded, how could I finish it better?" + +"Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principal +character in the narrative," said I. + +"Exactly so," said Curzon. "We were all expecting some splendid +catastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Duke +of Leinster, at least--or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense price +upon his head." + +"Neither the one nor the other," said Fin, drily. + +"And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery of +him?" + +"The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour," said he. "There +was a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Cork +never wanted something to laugh at." + +"And what was the joke?" said several voices together. + +"Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to the +Colonel, in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blind +mare off the common, and that the letters were late in consequence." + +"And so, Doctor," called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out to +be--" + +"Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, would +take his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to the +hour of my death." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +THEATRICALS. + +Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we had +discussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feeling +in favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a very +ample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room" +till near the break of day. + +From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of their +doings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that they +possessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery, +dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of public +estimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated on +the result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed very +little choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me for +a particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundry +little three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite of +the surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening the +committee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dress +rehearsal of the 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ and +Mrs. ____'s company on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake the +part of Captain Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige." + +The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which the +foregoing is a true copy--was presented to me as a great favour that +evening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of their +high and mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to little +purpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that of +Captain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing--had never read the piece +--nor even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance in +character in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and I +trembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusion +to my adventure at Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed all +ignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to the +matter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed that +if it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it--I had +but four days--I should undertake the character. My concurrence failed +to give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did what +they pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got the +credit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services may +always command. + +"To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not? I could +learn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that." + +Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow of +study, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degraded +at our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to the +office of check-taker. + +"He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, with +the white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealous +though, for he is to play with Fanny." + +"I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy. + +"Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his +'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myself +upon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I was +acting, and make fierce love to her on the stage." + +"And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air of +the "Dey of Algiers" in my tone. + +"Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only man +to do justice to such perfection." + +"Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are a +confoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrown +her eyes on one amongst you--" + +"Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll be +off to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing of +such matters." + +"Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does not +Curzon take the part you destine for me?" + +"We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when the +call-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'd +find that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird of +paradise feather in his cap." + +"Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for if +nothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley" +--for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question. + +"And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand--you are a real trump." +These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table, +were addressed to my friend Finucane. + +"I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a most +seductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch." + +"But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will ye +do for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could get +up the Rivals." + +"My forte is the drum--the big drum; put me among what the Greeks call +the 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye." + +It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; and +after some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated for +the night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzon +attempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, and +looked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence. + +During the time which intervened between the dinner and the night +appointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than a +Chancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. The +whole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, and +all those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota of +labour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit half +the day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story of +Finucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors, +scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from their +uproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove me +distracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the whole +management. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was a +professional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty; +that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night she +had appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurd +persecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until the +morning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the house +of a country gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty I +had to contend with--to go through my part alone was out of the question +to making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I often +fairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to the +uttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again. +By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting our +rehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat later +after his night at mess, I managed to have things in something like +order; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was not +story-telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact the +greatest difficulties opposed to my managerial functions. One property +he possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that it +completely baffled me. So numerous were his narratives, that no +occasion could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on the +stage, but Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon, +he at once related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; that +was usually the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stage +directions and groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests. I shall +give an instance of this habit of interruption, and let the unhappy +wight who has filled such an office as mine pity my woes. + +I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual. +One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, and +who bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something like +his part. + +"Come now, Elsmore, try it again--just so. Yes, come forward in this +manner--take her hand tenderly--press it to your lips; retreat towards +the flat, and then bowing deferentially--thus, say 'Good night, good +night'--that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you have to do, and +that brings you over here--so you make your exit at once." + +"Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under such +circumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. Poor +Philpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave him +a gold box with their arms upon it--a goose proper, with needles saltier +wise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancient +and loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curran +was mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, till +the moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spent +so happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'business +has its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'--there +were just eighteen of them--'wishing you now every happiness and +prosperity, permit me to take my leave'--and here he stole near the door +--'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'" With a running fire +of such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in getting +any thing done upon the stage. + +Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morning +with all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he is +half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I had +scarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, and +begged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler, +who was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative, +and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fanny +already alluded to, followed the servant down stairs. + +"Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, left +me in sole possession of the lady. + +"Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of the +sweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa beside +her. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I really +cannot talk to any one I don't see." + +I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes--the fullest +and most lovely blue that ever man gazed into--at which she smiled as if +pleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longing +for your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing, +spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon me +if I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graced +a barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like all amateur +people, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters--to put +every man in his most unsuitable position--and then that poor dear thing +Curzon--I hope he's not a friend of yours--by some dire fatality always +plays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I assure you, so that if you +had not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them and +gone off to Bath." + +Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving me +ample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. She +was most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which for +symmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself to +match it. + +My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunate +Harry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such very +pardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," to +profess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, but +slyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should never +be able to discover that I was not in earnest." We chatted then gaily for +upwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage was +announced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiled +benignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off. + +As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visible +horizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfied +air, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny's +estimation. + +"Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he, +alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded the +corner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry, +my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?" + +"What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do." + +"Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up that +instant. She and I--we understand each other--never mind, don't be +cross--no fault of yours, you know." + +"Ah, so she is taken with you," said I. "Eh, Charley?" + +"Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters. +She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together. +We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I played +Mirabel to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and could +scarcely go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorry +for it; she's a prodigiously fine girl--such lips and such teeth! Egad +I was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obliged +to take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it must +end; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat, +and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by her +feelings; you understand me?" + +"Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed." + +If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by the +recently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friend +Curzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the liberty +of wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as it +stood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had no +fears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very pretty +episode for the mess. + +"So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," I +said, endeavouring to draw him out. + +"Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. The +place is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time." + +"Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever your +share of what floating luck the world affords." + +"It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain to +you--" + +"Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted." So saying I +turned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in his +fancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself. + +After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre, +where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. The +green-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which the +audience had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filled +with the viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the wooden +fowls and "impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pasties +and flasks of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder. +The confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, was +ten-fold increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooks +and scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricably +mingled; and as in all similar cases, the least important functionaries +took the greatest airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitation +whatever came to their hands--thus the cook would not have scrupled to +light a fire with the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actually +caught one of the "gens de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brass +helmet I had once worn when astonishing the world as Coriolanus. + +Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, with +a sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hosts +of fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished for +ubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating, +cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mend +the matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune their +instruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to be +heard by the person beside me. + +As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in the +curtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, that +the house was nearly filled--the lower tier of boxes entirely so. There +were a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with their +chaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; in +fact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not at +least some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overture +to Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangements +behind. + +Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a little +one-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself--the principal +characters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer." + +The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if it +were, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is my +recollection of it with the distressing incident which followed. + +In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belle +Fanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden, +surrounded with statues, fountains, &c. At the back is seen a pavillion +in the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang the +branches of some large and shady trees--she comes forward, expressing her +impatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herself +to account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a very +sufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details of +her private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her own +amiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashion +of other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to her +feelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from the +orchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, she +waits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody-- + + "Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?" + +in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, to +account for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanation +in a very satisfactory manner,--meanwhile, for I must not expose my +reader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny here +laboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to her +presence, and clasping her to my heart--that is to say, I had already +gummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair of +eyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando, +half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress of +circumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to afford +me the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, her +solicitude about me--in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two were +filled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and from +absolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myself +unseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to--here, +however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not to +appear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanish +costume, "every inch a Hidalgo." Meantime, Fanny had been singing-- + +"Oh why is he far," &c. &c. + +At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why, +why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behind +startles her--she turns and beholds her guardian--so at least run the +course of events in the real drama--that it should follow thus now +however, "Dus aliter visum"--for just as she came to the very moving +apostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"--a gruff voice +from behind answered in a strong Cork brogue--"ah! would ye have him come +in a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through the +house, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, Harry +Lorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, my +only habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silk +stockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar. +The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar of +inextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishment +gave way, shook the entire building--my recollection may well have been +confused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearly +remember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chair +nearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; what I +did I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a new +eclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and wrapping +only my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But I must +cease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so let +me close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieu +for a season. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIb. + +[Note: There are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of contents, this one +has an asterisk but no explanation.] + +THE WAGER. + +It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my last +chapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morning +before I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if to +assure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusual +earnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said-- + +"Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?" + +So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I really +felt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of the +scene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which, +and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued-- + +"Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and tried +friend?" + +"Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in a +scrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fair +to let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile." + +"In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat the +whole Minerva press in its romantic cadence. + +"Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellow +you've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?" + +"Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before--"How your +imagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres," +(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of the +regiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement of +a challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting." + +As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition to +continue, I merely added-- + +"Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, on +our way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for the +Mediterranean." + +The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from his +lethargy, and he added-- + +"If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all my +future hopes are concerned upon the issue--" + +"Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson has +issued the writ? I'll bet a hundred." + +"Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, and +speaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, without +exception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. What +have I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or a +law-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, that +I am in love--desperately and over head and ears in love." + +"Et puis," said I coolly. + +"And intend to marry immediately." + +"Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that's +all. But to return--now for the lady." + +"Come, you must make a guess." + +"Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentions +have been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrival +here, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whist +last evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whose +macaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they are +constant." + +"Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovely +girl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last." + +"Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small woman +with the tow wig?" + +"No, I do not mean any such thing--but a beautiful creature, with the +brightest locks in Christendom--the very light-brown waving ringlets, +Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot--did you see her foot?" + +"No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up and +down, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond." + +"Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer--I came not here to +listen to--" + +"But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?" + +"Yes, sir, I am angry." + +"Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?" + +"And why not, pray?" + +"Oh! I don't exactly know--that is, faith I scarcely thought you were in +earnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to you +that the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons I +ever met." + +"You think so really, Hal?" + +"Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in fact +universally admired." + +"Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you better +--give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding and +abetting she is mine to-morrow morning." + +I wrung his hand heartily--congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happily +I had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived that +Curzon was bona fide in earnest. + +"So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he. + +"Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service. +Any thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating as +brides-maid, and I am your man. And if you are in want of such a +functionary, I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give her +away with as much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as many +marriageable daughters as king Priam himself. It is with me in marriage +as in duelling--I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I have +long since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtaining +satisfaction.'" + +"Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've been +rather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on this +occasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could only +confide to one as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearest +Louisa off." + +"Carry her off! Where?--when?--how?" + +"All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear." + +"Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away with +the lady, you don't accompany her yourself." + +"Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask that +question, for it is just that very explanation will show all the native +delicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tell +you, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confounded +prejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage with +a red-coat--so that, his consent being out of the question, our only +resource is an elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon one +condition--and this she insists upon so firmly--I had almost said +obstinately--that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations, +and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have at +length yielded, and she is to have her own way." + +"Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?" + +"Simply this--that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtain +my right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumpery +notions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds of +delicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by the +husband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not to +sacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present." + +"All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what I +confess appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so very +delicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfect +stranger under such circumstances?" + +"That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darling +Loo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with the +greatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I at +once showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confide +her to at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediately +replied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretion +will put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderous +tongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing to +trust myself.' You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?--whom +could I select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones is +five-and-forty--but egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed at +the end of the stage. You were my only hope; I knew I could rely upon +you. You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; and +as to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a little +assistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have always +represented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawn +of an autumnal morning--with maiden bashfulness assisting--the scrutiny +is not likely to be a close one. So, now, your consent is alone wanting +to complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shall +have made me the happiest of mortals." + +Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for the +delicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to the +Lady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shorten +for my reader's sake, by the following brief expose. + +A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in the +morning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve miles +distant. There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who was +subsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an old +college friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom the +treaty was to be concluded. + +This was all simple and clear enough--the only condition necessary to +insure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As to +mine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend's +behalf. + +"There is only one thing more," said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brother +is a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well, +just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by any +chance, he should make out what was going forward--not but that you know +if any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to take +all that upon my hands." + +"Oh! of course--I understand," said I. Meanwhile I could not help +running over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventure +presented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bans +or any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend's +bones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accurate +directions as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of the +lady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume and +appearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon to +obtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of the +regiment. + +When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not without +evidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feel +who have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wots +not of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once have +struck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step, +no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly and +equivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the present +occasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him--being most +profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and matters +medical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterises +such discussions among the non-medical public. + +The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeon +Fitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attend +on the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and which +necessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While he +continued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerly +sought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken in +upon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth on +the occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth, +had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one's +memory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz. +himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; others +hinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald +--a well-known virago in the regiment--while Fitz. enjoyed himself; and +a third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested that +a hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered for +such services as his on so grave an occasion. + +"No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely. + +"Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'll +make fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" cried +one. + +"I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance, +reason to suppose his fee would be a large one. + +During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely; +and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken my +share of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was about +to be instrumental in securing for my friend--for the lady had really +thirty thousand pounds--and I could not conceal my triumph at such a +prospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition. +They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret for +some time--but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, and +I called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrow +morning, I'll make a better hit of it than you--and the mess shall decide +between us afterwards as to the winner." + +"And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to take +the wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment be +pronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser." + +This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so many +parties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there could +be no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald, +fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in the +least comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in the +adjutant's note-book--his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantity +of wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the bet +was no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance I +had of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in the +department allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted what +peculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of the +doctor. For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which I +conjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke than +the equity of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated, +and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him as +a bride-groom. + +I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placed +conspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste of +departure; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in the +guard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myself +on my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage in +suggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of the +scenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I had +myself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, and +how it always happened that when nearest to success, failure had +intervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the same +unfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be something +very like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts at +marriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself in +very unfortunate hands--if augury were to be relied upon. Something will +surely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will be +blown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep for +about three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by my +servant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end of +the barrack lane. + +"Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock." + +"Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, and +they must go it almost at a walk." + +That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can't +help it. + +In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed by +the addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and a +deep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, could +not recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, with +my pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded to +the barrack-gate. + +As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light--the sash was +quickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared. + +"Is that you, Harry?" + +"Yes--when do you start?" + +"In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go--you have upwards of +twelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy--we'll meet soon." + +"Here's the carriage, sir; this way." + +"Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?" + +"Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it for +doctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them." + +I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given, +and away we went. + +Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupied +with the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now, +so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all the +bearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than I +had yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did or +did not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and if +by any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stood +a very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to death +by the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating his +breakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in his +fourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minor +miseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up their +heads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked rather +blue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzon +might be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I had +succeeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence. +Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all these +very awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and after +all, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such a +transaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it at +the Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect his +prospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many a +man so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutant +to settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjure +up every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My being +mulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, even +were I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother. +Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to the +darkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country about +me, and knew nothing of where I was. + +Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one sets +you to sleep--not a very comfortable sleep mayhap--but still it is sleep, +and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had pondered +over, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windings +of this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that I +was on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having established +that fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in the +chaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber. + +If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondent +view of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable ill +luck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself on +the fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain, +besides--but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alter +what are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all the +imperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, or +abandon me at once. + +Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pace +faster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after I +had fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of an +angle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started up +and rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where I +was or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived that +we were driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, they +can't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to the +house, instead of waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, and +stretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads; +is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the gravel +and the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I was +addressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, and +breaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew up +with a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spacious +cut-stone mansion. When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearly +thrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis a +vis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elope +with, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretches +who drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, my +fate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line of +acting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servant +in a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into the +chaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctor +darlin', but ye're welcome." With the speed with which sometimes the bar +of an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar fact +can call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vivid +before us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of my +present position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into the +chaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that moment +before the hall-door of the patient. My first impulse was an honest one, +to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle with +Curzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimely +fate of all those I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, how +seldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best," was +upon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should follow +me in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could only +pass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate the +territory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone on +my errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safe +from interruption. Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what his +interference in poor Curzon's business might not involve. These serious +reflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as the +grave-looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloak +and my pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lord +grant ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say he +is better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayer +of the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descended +leisurely, as I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, and +with a solemn pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house. + +In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhat +advanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. One +of these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, and +retreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. The +other, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-looking +subject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like an +alderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more of +the bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment's +glance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe, +for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner, +half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with the +higher orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, and +grumble. + +"Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr. +Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, though +they call me doctor." + +"Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner," said he, waving +his hand towards his rubicund confrere. + +I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet such +highly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every moment +the arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame and +disgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some history +of the case we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expound +in a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman who +had the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured under +some swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of, +and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God bless +the mark!) was requested. + +As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, I +pleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason for +at once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by my +two brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easy +chair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain and +habitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression. + +"This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," said +my tall coadjutor. + +"Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find out +something new the matter, for them two there have been doing so every +day this two months." + +"I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of my +learned friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is the +malady. Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groan +escaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impression +upon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as I +remembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so I +thought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do a +bold thing also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing and +affectionate tone of voice. "Like the devil," growled the patient. "And +here?" said I. "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer." "Oh! I perceive," +said I, "the thing is just as I expected." Here I raised my eyebrows, +and looked indescribably wise at my confreres. + +"No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one. + +"Certainly not." + +"Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumour +after all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical, +which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosy +friend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, and +resumed, "this must not be touched." + +"So you won't operate upon it," said the patient. + +"I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied. "Now if you +please gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if to +withdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs to +the breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performed +in this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging a +very hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional to +eat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by the +entire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham, +rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupations +by sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance of +recovery. + +"Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from his +labours, "what are we to do?" + +"Ay," said the other, "there's the question." + +"Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better." Now, this +was a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not know +what treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing to +guess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it. + +"So you think that will be best." + +"I am certain--I know nothing better," I answered. + +"Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the very +candid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant," +said the fat one. + +"Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" here +I swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there were +worse things than the practice of physic. + +"I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door. + +"Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it." + +"Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?" +said the rosy one. + +"I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion he +may not desire it." + +"I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with a +half sigh, as he put a check into my hand. + +I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless air +into my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species of +happiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off; +never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, and +felt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish an +hour. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +THE ELOPEMENT. + +It was past two o'clock when I reached the town. On entering the +barrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together, +and every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter. I went over, +and immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: No +sooner had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance, +on a professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their heads +together, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. who was the very +dragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the whole +history of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absenting +himself on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfy +herself of the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in the +morning, and detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiable +friends being to give poor Mrs. Fitz. a twenty miles' jaunt, and confront +her with her injured husband at the end of it. + +Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthy +woman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaise +and four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track of +it, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to the +knife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her. + +So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw her +depart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their whole +notions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement that +must ensue at the end. Little, however, were they aware how much more +nearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turn +out; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without any +inquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awoke +from a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by the +postillion, who whispered in his ear--"here we are sir; this is the +gate." + +"But why stop at the gate? Drive up the avenue, my boy." + +"His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge; +nor to make as much noise as a mouse." + +"Ah! very true. He may be very irritable, poor man! Well stop here, and +I'll get out." + +Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrette +tripped up, and said to him-- + +"Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?" + +"Yes, my dear," said Fitz., with a knowing look at the pretty face of the +damsel, "what can I do for you?" + +"Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous, +and so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it." + +"Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she? Oh! she must keep up her +spirits, while there's life there's hope." + +"Sir." + +"I say, my darling, she must not give way. I'll speak to her a little. +Is not he rather advanced in life?" + +"Oh, Lord! no sir. Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?" + +"Two-and-thirty! Why I thought he was above sixty." + +"Above sixty! Law! sir. You have a bright fancy. This is the +gentleman, ma'am. Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and let +you talk to her." + +"I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make your +acquaintance under happier circumstances." + +"I must confess, sir--though I am ashamed"-- + +"Never be ashamed, ma'am. Your grief, although, I trust causeless, does +you infinite honor." + +"Upon my soul she is rather pretty," said the doctor to himself here. + +"Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I have +heard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that any +longer delay here is dangerous." + +"Dangerous! Is he in so critical a state as that then?" + +"Critical a state, sir! Why what do you mean?" + +"I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?" + +"Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without your +assuring me of it." + +"Oh! in that case make your mind easy. I have the instruments in the +chaise." + +"The instruments in the chaise! Really, sir, if you are not jesting--I +trust you don't think this is a fitting time for such--I entreat of you +to speak more plainly and intelligibly." + +"Jesting, ma'am! I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment." + +"Ma'am! ma'am! I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don't +lose a moment, but get into the chaise at once." + +"Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract." + +"Help my mistress into the chaise, sir. Lord! what a man it is." + +A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while the +postillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flew +beneath them. Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabled +Mrs. Fitz.'s slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and her +chaise had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of a +muslin dress stepping into the carriage with her husband. + +There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelings +that agitated Mrs. Fitz. at this moment. The fullest confirmation to her +worst fears was before her eyes--just at the very instant when a doubt +was beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely a +hoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocent +and blameless. As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed little +chance of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for from +the moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she had +buried her face in her hands, and sobbed continually. Meanwhile he +concluded that they were approaching the house by some back entrance, to +avoid noise and confusion, and waited, with due patience, for the +journey's end. + +As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. at length began to think +of the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in his +professional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech on +the score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping lady +beside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. came up along-side, and the +postillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up, +displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned. + +"So, wretch," she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you at +last." + +"Lord bless me! Why it is my wife." + +"Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife! And you, madam, may I +ask what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?" + +"Shame! My dear Jemima," said Fitz. "how can you possibly permit your +foolish jealousy so far to blind your reason. Don't you see I am going +upon a professional call?" + +"Oh! you are. Are you? Quite professional, I'll be bound." + +"Oh, sir! Oh, madam! I beseech you, save me from the anger of my +relatives, and the disgrace of exposure. Pray bring me back at once." + +"Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean? You are not gone mad, as well as +my wife." + +"Really, Mr. Fitz." said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far. +Take your unfortunate victim--as I suppose she is such--home to her +parents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be law +and justice in--" + +"Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will both +drive me clean mad." + +"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgerald +continued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimers +and protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair, +by the poor doctor. Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in a +fustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in a +tax-cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of the +doctor's chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely in +his own conveyance, merely adding-- + +"I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took the +lower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow the +roof off your scull, that's all." + +While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz. +Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband, +perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still some +unexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on the +road homeward. + +Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F.'s dissertation, nothing is +known. The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night at +Kilkenny, and Fitz. was installed safely in his quarters before any one +knew of his having come back. The following morning he was reported ill; +and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at his +window, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale, +and rather dark under one eye. + +As for Curzon--the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was his +hiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to Dublin, +and hastened on to England. In a few days we learned that the adjutant +had exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there are not +three men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning's +misadventures. + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Vol. 3 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + + +Volume 3. (Chapter XVIII-XXIII) + + + +Contents: + +CHAPTER XVIII +Detachment Duty--An Assize Town + +CHAPTER XIX +The Assize Town + +CHAPTER XX +A Day in Dublin + +CHAPTER XXI +A Night at Howth + +CHAPTER XXII +The Journey + +CHAPTER XXIII +Calais + + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +DETACHMENT DUTY--AN ASSIZE TOWN. + +As there appeared to be but little prospect of poor Fitzgerald ever +requiring any explanation from me as to the events of that morning, for +he feared to venture from his room, lest he might be recognised and +prosecuted for abduction, I thought it better to keep my own secret also; +and it was therefore with a feeling of any thing but regret, that I +received an order which, under other circumstances, would have rendered +me miserable--to march on detachment duty. To any one at all conversant +with the life we lead in the army, I need not say how unpleasant such a +change usually is. To surrender your capital mess, with all its +well-appointed equipments--your jovial brother officers--hourly +flirtations with the whole female population--never a deficient one in a +garrison town--not to speak of your matches at trotting, coursing, and +pigeon-shooting, and a hundred other delectable modes of getting over +the ground through life, till it please your ungrateful country and the +Horse Guards to make you a major-general--to surrender all these, I say, +for the noise, dust, and damp disagreeables of a country inn, with bacon +to eat, whiskey to drink, and the priest, or the constabulary chief, to +get drunk with--I speak of Ireland here--and your only affair, par +amours, being the occasional ogling of the apothecary's daughter +opposite, as often as she visits the shop, in the soi disant occupation +of measuring out garden seeds and senna. These are indeed, the +exchanges with a difference, for which there is no compensation; and, +for my own part, I never went upon such duty, that I did not exclaim +with the honest Irishman, when the mail went over him, "Oh, Lord! what +is this for?"--firmly believing that in the earthly purgatory of such +duties, I was reaping the heavy retribution attendant on past offences. + +Besides, from being rather a crack man in my corps, I thought it somewhat +hard that my turn for such duty should come round about twice as often as +that of my brother officers; but so it is--I never knew a fellow a little +smarter than his neighbours, that was not pounced upon by his colonel for +a victim. Now, however, I looked at these matters in a very different +light. To leave head-quarters was to escape being questioned; while +there was scarcely any post to which I could be sent, where something +strange or adventurous might not turn up, and serve me to erase the +memory of the past, and turn the attention of my companions in any +quarter rather than towards myself. + +My orders on the present occasion were to march to Clonmel; from whence I +was to proceed a short distance to the house of a magistrate, upon whose +information, transmitted to the Chief Secretary, the present assistance +of a military party had been obtained; and not without every appearance +of reason. The assizes of the town were about to be held, and many +capital offences stood for trial in the calendar; and as it was strongly +rumoured that, in the event of certain convictions being obtained, a +rescue would be attempted, a general attack upon the town seemed a too +natural consequence; and if so, the house of so obnoxious a person as him +I have alluded to, would be equally certain of being assailed. Such, at +least, is too frequently the history of such scenes, beginning with no +one definite object: sometimes a slight one--more ample views and wider +conceptions of mischief follow; and what has begun in a drunken riot--a +casual rencontre--may terminate in the slaughter of a family, or the +burning of a village. The finest peasantry--God bless them--are a vif +people, and quicker at taking a hint than most others, and have, withal, +a natural taste for fighting, that no acquired habits of other nations +can pretend to vie with. + +As the worthy person to whose house I was now about to proceed was, and +if I am rightly informed is, rather a remarkable character in the local +history of Irish politics, I may as well say a few words concerning him. +Mr. Joseph Larkins, Esq.--(for so he signed himself)--had only been +lately elevated to the bench of magistrates. He was originally one of +that large but intelligent class called in Ireland "small farmers;" +remarkable chiefly for a considerable tact in driving hard bargains--a +great skill in wethers--a rather national dislike to pay all species of +imposts, whether partaking of the nature of tax, tithe, grand jury cess, +or any thing of that nature whatsoever. So very accountable--I had +almost said, (for I have been long quartered in Ireland,) so very +laudable a propensity, excited but little of surprise or astonishment +in his neighbours, the majority of whom entertained very similar views +--none, however, possessing any thing like the able and lawyer-like +ability of the worthy Larkins, for the successful evasion of these +inroads upon the liberty of the subject. Such, in fact, was his talent, +and so great his success in this respect, that he had established what, +if it did not actually amount to a statute of exemption in law, served +equally well in reality; and for several years he enjoyed a perfect +immunity on the subject of money-paying in general. His "little +houldin'," as he unostentatiously called some five hundred acres of bog, +mountain, and sheep-walk, lay in a remote part of the county, the roads +were nearly impassable for several miles in that direction, land was of +little value; the agent was a timid man, with a large family; of three +tithe-proctors who had penetrated into the forbidden territory, two +laboured under a dyspepsia for life, not being able to digest parchment +and sealing-wax, for they usually dined on their own writs; and the +third gave five pounds out of his pocket, to a large, fresh-looking man, +with brown whiskers and beard, that concealed him two nights in a +hay-loft, to escape the vengeance of the people, which act of +philanthropy should never be forgotten, if some ill-natured people were +not bold enough to say the kind individual in question was no other man +than-- + +However this may be, true it is that this was the last attempt made to +bring within the responsibilities of the law so refractory a subject; and +so powerful is habit, that although he was to be met with at every market +and cattle-fair in the county, an arrest of his person was no more +contemplated than if he enjoyed the privilege of parliament to go at +large without danger. + +When the country became disturbed, and nightly meetings of the peasantry +were constantly held, followed by outrages against life and property to +the most frightful extent, the usual resources of the law were employed +unavailingly. It was in vain to offer high rewards. Approvers could not +be found; and so perfectly organized were the secret associations, that +few beyond the very ringleaders knew any thing of consequence to +communicate. Special commissions were sent down from Dublin; additional +police force, detachments of military; long correspondences took place +between the magistracy and the government--but all in vain. The +disturbances continued; and at last to such a height had they risen, that +the country was put under martial law; and even this was ultimately found +perfectly insufficient to repel what now daily threatened to become an +open rebellion rather than mere agrarian disturbance. It was at this +precise moment, when all resources seemed to be fast exhausting +themselves, that certain information reached the Castle, of the most +important nature. The individual who obtained and transmitted it, had +perilled his life in so doing--but the result was a great one--no less +than the capital conviction and execution of seven of the most +influential amongst the disaffected peasantry. Confidence was at once +shaken in the secrecy of their associates; distrust and suspicion +followed. Many of the boldest sunk beneath the fear of betrayal, and +themselves, became evidence for the crown; and in five months, a county +shaken with midnight meetings, and blazing with insurrectionary fires, +became almost the most tranquil in its province. It may well be +believed, that he who rendered this important service on this trying +emergency, could not be passed over, and the name of J. Larkins soon +after appeared in the Gazette as one of his Majesty's justices of the +peace for the county; pretty much in the same spirit in which a country +gentleman converts the greatest poacher in his neighbourhood by making +him, his gamekeeper. + +In person he was a large and powerfully built man, considerably above six +feet in height, and possessing great activity, combined with powers of +enduring fatigue almost incredible. With an eye like a hawk, and a heart +that never knew fear, he was the person, of all others, calculated to +strike terror into the minds of the country people. The reckless daring +with which he threw himself into danger--the almost impetuous quickness +with which he followed up a scent, whenever information reached him of an +important character--had their full effect upon a people who, long +accustomed to the slowness and the uncertainty of the law were almost +paralyzed at beholding detection and punishment follow on crime, as +certainly as the thunder-crash follows the lightning. + +His great instrument for this purpose was the obtaining information from +sworn members of the secret societies, and whose names never appeared in +the course of a trial or a prosecution, until the measure of their +iniquity was completed, when they usually received a couple of hundred +pounds, blood-money, as it was called, with which they took themselves +away to America or Australia--their lives being only secured while they +remained, by the shelter afforded them in the magistrate's own house. +And so it happened that, constantly there numbered from ten to twelve of +these wretches, inmates of his family, each of whom had the burden of +participation in one murder at least, waiting for an opportunity to leave +the country, unnoticed and unwatched. + +Such a frightful and unnatural state of things, can hardly be conceived; +and yet, shocking as it was, it was a relief to that which led to it. I +have dwelt, perhaps too long upon this painful subject; but let my reader +now accompany me a little farther, and the scene shall be changed. Does +he see that long, low, white house, with a tall, steep roof, perforated +with innumerable narrow windows. There are a few straggling beech trees, +upon a low, bleak-looking field before the house, which is called, par +excellence, the lawn; a pig or two, some geese, and a tethered goat are, +here and there musing over the state of Ireland, while some rosy +curly-headed noisy and bare-legged urchins are gamboling before the +door. This is the dwelling of the worshipful justice, to which myself +and my party were now approaching, with that degree of activity which +attends on most marches of twenty miles, under the oppressive closeness +of a day in autumn. Fatigued and tired as I was, yet I could not enter +the little enclosure before the house, without stopping for a moment to +admire the view before me. A large tract of rich country, undulating on +every side, and teeming with corn fields, in all the yellow gold of +ripeness; here and there, almost hid by small clumps of ash and alder, +were scattered some cottages, from which the blue smoke rose in a +curling column into the calm evening's sky. All was graceful, and +beautifully tranquil; and you might have selected the picture as +emblematic of that happiness and repose we so constantly associate with +our ideas of the country; and yet, before that sun had even set, which +now gilded the landscape, its glories would be replaced by the lurid +glare of nightly incendiarism, and--but here, fortunately for my reader, +and perhaps myself, I am interrupted in my meditations by a rich, +mellifluous accent saying, in the true Doric of the south-- + +"Mr. Loorequer! you're welcome to Curryglass, sir. You've had a hot day +for your march. Maybe you'd take a taste of sherry before dinner? Well +then, we'll not wait for Molowny, but order it up at once." + +So saying, I was ushered into a long, low drawing-room, in which were +collected together about a dozen men, to whom I was specially and +severally presented, and among whom I was happy to find my boarding-house +acquaintance, Mr. Daly, who, with the others, had arrived that same day, +for the assizes, and who were all members of the legal profession, either +barristers, attorneys, or clerks of the peace. + +The hungry aspect of the convives, no less than the speed with which +dinner made its appearance after my arrival, showed me that my coming was +only waited for to complete the party--the Mr. Molowny before alluded to, +being unanimously voted present. The meal itself had but slight +pretensions to elegance; there were neither vol au vents, nor croquettes; +neither were there poulets aux truffes, nor cotelletes a la soubise but +in their place stood a lordly fish of some five-and-twenty pounds weight, +a massive sirloin, with all the usual armament of fowls, ham, pigeon-pie, +beef-steak, &c. lying in rather a promiscuous order along either side of +the table. The party were evidently disposed to be satisfied, and I +acknowledge, I did not prove an exception to the learned individuals +about me, either in my relish for the good things, or my appetite to +enjoy them. Dulce est desipere in loco, says some one, by which I +suppose is meant, that a rather slang company is occasionally good fun. +Whether from my taste for the "humanities" or not, I am unable to say, +but certainly in my then humour, I should not have exchanged my position +for one of much greater pretensions to elegance and ton. There was first +a general onslaught upon the viands, crashing of plates, jingling of +knives, mingling with requests for "more beef," "the hard side of the +salmon," or "another slice of ham." Then came a dropping fire of +drinking wine, which quickly increased, the decanters of sherry for about +ten minutes resting upon the table, about as long as Taglioni touches +this mortal earth in one of her flying ballets. Acquaintances were +quickly formed between the members of the bar and myself, and I found +that my momentary popularity was likely to terminate in my downfall; for, +as each introduction was followed by a bumper of strong sherry, I did not +expect to last till the end of the feast. The cloth at length +disappeared, and I was just thanking Providence for the respite from +hob-nobbing which I imagined was to follow, when a huge, square decanter +of whiskey appeared, flanked by an enormous jug of boiling water, and +renewed preparations for drinking upon a large scale seriously +commenced. It was just at this moment that I, for the first time, +perceived the rather remarkable figure who had waited upon us at dinner, +and who, while I chronicle so many things of little import, deserves a +slight mention. He was a little old man of about fifty-five or sixty +years, wearing upon his head a barrister's wig, and habited in clothes +which originally had been the costume of a very large and bulky person, +and which, consequently, added much to the drollery of his appearance. +He had been, for forty years, the servant of Judge Vandeleur, and had +entered his present service rather in the light of a preceptor than a +menial, invariably dictating to the worthy justice upon every occasion +of etiquette or propriety, by a reference to what "the judge himself" +did, which always sufficed to carry the day in Nicholas's favour, +opposition to so correct a standard, never being thought of by the +justice. + +"That's Billy Crow's own whiskey, the 'small still,'" said Nicholas, +placing the decanter upon the table, "make much of it, for there isn't +such dew in the county." + +With this commendation upon the liquor, Nicholas departed, and we +proceeded to fill our glasses. + +I cannot venture--perhaps it is so much the better that I cannot--to give +any idea of the conversation which at once broke out, as if the barriers +that restrained it had at length given way. But law talk in all its +plenitude, followed; and for two hours I heard of nothing but writs, +detainers, declarations, traverses in prox, and alibis, with sundry hints +for qui tam processes, interspersed, occasionally, with sly jokes about +packing juries and confusing witnesses, among which figured the usual +number of good things attributed to the Chief Baron O'Grady and the other +sayers of smart sayings at the bar. + +"Ah!" said Mr. Daly, drawing a deep sigh at the same instant--"the bar is +sadly fallen off since I was called in the year seventy-six. There was +not a leader in one of the circuits at that time that couldn't puzzle +any jury that ever sat in a box; and as for driving through an act of +parliament, it was, as Sancho Panza says, cakes and gingerbread to them. +And then, there is one especial talent lost for ever to the present +generation--just like stained glass and illuminated manuscripts, and slow +poisons and the like--that were all known years ago--I mean the beautiful +art of addressing the judge before the jury, and not letting them know +you were quizzing them, if ye liked to do that same. Poor Peter Purcell +for that--rest his ashes--he could cheat the devil himself, if he had +need--and maybe he has had before now, Peter is sixteen years dead last +November." + +"And what was Peter's peculiar tact in that respect, Mr. Daly?" said I. + +"Oh, then I might try for hours to explain it to you in vain; but +I'll just give you an instance that'll show you better than all my +dissertations on the subject, and I was present myself when it happened, +more by token, it was the first time I ever met him on circuit;--" + +"I suppose there is scarcely any one here now, except myself, that +remembers the great cause of Mills versus Mulcahy, a widow and others, +that was tried in Ennis, in the year '82. It's no matter if there is +not. Perhaps it may be more agreeable for me, for I can tell my story my +own version, and not be interrupted. Well, that was called the old +record, for they tried it seventeen times. I believe, on my conscience, +it killed old Jones, who was in the Common Pleas; he used to say, if he +put it for trial on the day of judgment, one of the parties would be sure +to lodge an appeal. Be that as it may, the Millses engaged Peter +special, and brought him down with a great retainer, in a chaise and +four, flags flying, and favors in the postillions' hats, and a fiddler on +the roof playing the 'hare in the corn.' The inn was illuminated the +same evening, and Peter made a speech from the windows upon the liberty +of the press and religious freedom all over the globe, and there wasn't a +man in the mob didn't cheer him, which was the more civil, because few of +them knew a word of English, and the others thought he was a play-actor. +But it all went off well, nevertheless, for Peter was a clever fellow; +and although he liked money well, he liked popularity more, and he never +went any where special that he hadn't a public meeting of some kind or +other, either to abolish rents, or suppress parsons, or some such popular +and beneficial scheme, which always made him a great favourite with the +people, and got him plenty of clients. But I am wandering from the +record. Purcell came down, as I said before, special for Mills; and when +he looked over his brief, and thought of the case, he determined to have +it tried by a gentlemen jury, for although he was a great man with the +mob, he liked the country gentlemen better in the jury box, for he was +always coming out with quotations from the classics, which, whether the +grand jury understood or not, they always applauded very much. Well, +when he came into court that morning, you may guess his surprise and +mortification to find that the same jury that had tried a common +ejectment case, were still in the box, and waiting, by the chief +justice's direction, to try Mills versus Mulcahy, the great case of the +assizes. + +"I hear they were a set of common clod-hopping wretches, with frize coats +and brogues, that no man could get round at all, for they were as cunning +as foxes, and could tell blarney from good sense, rather better than +people with better coats on them. + +"Now, the moment that Mr. Purcell came into the court, after bowing +politely to the judge, he looked up to the box, and when he saw the dirty +faces of the dealers in pork and potatoes, and the unshaven chins of the +small farmers, his heart fell within him, and he knew in a minute how +little they'd care for the classics--if he quoted Caesar's Commentaries +itself for them--ignorant creatures as they were! + +"Well, the cause was called, and up gets Peter, and he began to +'express', (as he always called it himself,) 'the great distress his +client and himself would labour under, if the patient and most +intelligent jury then on the panel should come to the consideration of so +very tedious a case as this promised to be, after their already most +fatiguing exertions;' he commented upon their absence from their wives +and families, their farms neglected, their crops hazarded, and in about +fifteen minutes he showed them they were, if not speedily released and +sent home, worse treated and harder used than many of the prisoners +condemned to three months imprisonment; and actually so far worked upon +the feelings of the chief himself, that he turned to the foreman of the +jury, and said, 'that although it was a great deviation from his habitual +practice, if at this pressing season their prospects were involved to the +extent the learned counsel had pictured, why then, that he would so far +bend his practice on this occasion, and they should be dismissed.' Now +Peter, I must confess, here showed the most culpable ignorance in not +knowing that a set of country fellows, put up in a jury box, would rather +let every glade of corn rot in the ground, than give up what they always +supposed so very respectable an appointment; for they invariably imagine +in these cases that they are something very like my lord the judge, +'barrin' the ermine;' besides, that on the present occasion, Peter's +argument in their favour decided them upon staying, for they now felt +like martyrs, and firmly believed that they were putting the chief +justice under an obligation to them for life. + +"When, therefore, they heard the question of the court, it did not take a +moment's time for the whole body to rise en masses and bowing to the +judge, call out, 'We'll stay, my lord, and try every mother's son of them +for you; ay, if it lasted till Christmas. + +"'I am sure, my lord,' said Peter, collecting himself for an effort, 'I +cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for the great sacrifice these +gifted and highly intelligent gentlemen are making in my client's behalf; +for being persons who have great interests in the country at stake, their +conduct on the present occasion is the more praiseworthy; and I am +certain they fully appreciate, as does your lordship, the difficulty of +the case before us, when documents will be submitted, requiring a certain +degree of acquaintance with such testimonials sufficiently to comprehend. +Many of the title deeds, as your lordship is aware, being obtained under +old abbey charters, are in the learned languages; and we all know how +home to our hearts and bosoms comes the beautiful line of the Greek poet +'vacuus viator cantabit ante latronem.'" The sound of the quotation +roused the chief justice, who had been in some measure inattentive to the +preceding part of the learned counsel's address, and he called out rather +sharply, 'Greek! Mr. Purcell--why I must have mistaken--will you repeat +the passage?' + +"'With pleasure, my lord. I was just observing to your lordship and the +jury, with the eloquent poet Hergesius, 'vacuus viator cantabit ante +latronem.' + +"'Greek, did you call it?' + +"'Yes, my lord, of course I did.' + +"'Why, Mr. Purcell, you are quoting Latin to me--and what do you mean by +talking of the learned Hergesius, and Greek all this time?--the line is +Juvenal's.' + +"'My lord, with much submission to your lordship, and every deference to +your great attainments and very superior talents, let me still assure you +that I am quoting Greek, and that your lordship is in error.' + +"'Mr. Purcell, I have only to remark, that if you are desirous of making +a jest of the court, you had better be cautious, I say, sir;' and here +the judge waxed exceeding wroth. 'I say the line is Latin--Latin, sir, +Juvenal's Latin, sir--every schoolboy knows it.' + +"'Of course, my lord,' said Peter, with great humility, 'I bow myself to +the decision of your lordship; the line is, therefore, Latin. Yet I may +be permitted to hint that were your lordship disposed to submit this +question, as you are shortly about to do another and a similar one, to +those clear-sighted and intelligent gentlemen there, I am satisfied, my +lord, it would be Greek to every man of them.' + +"The look, the voice, and the peculiar emphasis with which Peter gave +these words, were perfectly successful. The acute judge anticipated the +wish of the counsel--the jury were dismissed, and Peter proceeded to his +case before those he knew better how to deal with, and with whom the +result was more certain to be as he wished it." + +To this anecdote of the counsellor, succeeded many others, of which, as +the whiskey was potent and the hour late, my memory is not over +retentive: the party did not break up till near four o'clock; and even +then, our seance only concluded, because some one gravely remarked "that +as we should be all actively engaged on the morrow, early hours were +advisable." + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. + +THE ASSIZE TOWN. + +I had not been above a week in my new quarters, when my servant presented +me, among my letters one morning, with a packet, which with considerable +pains, I at length recognised to be directed to me. The entire envelope +was covered with writing in various hands, among which I detected +something which bore a faint resemblance to my name; but the address +which followed was perfectly unreadable, not only to me, as it appeared, +but also to the "experts" of the different post-offices, for it had been +followed by sundry directions to try various places beginning with T, +which seemed to be the letter commencing the "great unknown locality:" +thus I read "try Tralee," "try Tyrone," "try Tanderagee," &c. &c. I +wonder that they didn't add, "try Teheran," and I suppose they would at +last, rather than abandon the pursuit. + +"But, Stubber," said I, as I conned over the various addresses on this +incomprehensible cover, "are you sure this is for me?" + +"The postmaster, sir, desired me to ask you if you'd have it, for he has +offered it to every one down in these parts lately; the waterguard +officers will take it at 8d. Cir, if you won't, but I begged you might +have the refusal." + +"Oh! very well; I am happy to find matters are managed so impartially in +the post-office here. Nothing like a public cant for making matters find +their true level. Tell the postmaster, then, I'll keep the letter, and +the rather, as it happens, by good luck, to be intended for me." + +"And now for the interior," said I, as I broke the seal and read: + + "Paris, Rue Castiglione. + + "My dear Mr. Lorrequer--As her ladyship and my son have in vain + essayed to get any thing from you in the shape of reply to their + letters, it has devolved upon me to try my fortune, which were I to + augur from the legibility of my writing, may not, I should fear, + prove more successful than the"--(what can the word be?) "the--the" + --why, it can't be damnable, surely?--no, it is amiable, I see + --"than the amiable epistle of my lady. I cannot, however, permit + myself to leave this without apprising you that we are about to + start for Baden, where we purpose remaining a month or two. Your + cousin Guy, who has been staying for some time with us, has been + obliged to set out for Geneva, but hopes to join in some weeks + hence. He is a great favourite with us all, but has not effaced the + memory of our older friend, yourself. Could you not find means to + come over and see us--if only a flying visit? Rotterdam is the + route, and a few days would bring you to our quarters. Hoping that + you may feel so disposed, I have enclosed herewith a letter to the + Horse Guards, which I trust may facilitate your obtaining leave of + absence. I know of no other mode of making your peace with the + ladies, who are too highly incensed at your desertion to send one + civil postscript to this letter; and Kilkee and myself are + absolutely exhausted in our defence of you. Believe me, yours + truly, + + "Callonby." + +Had I received an official notification of my being appointed paymaster +to the forces, or chaplain to Chelsea hospital, I believe I should have +received the information with less surprise than I perused this letter +--that after the long interval which had elapsed, during which I had +considered myself totally forgotten by this family, I should now receive +a letter--and such a letter, too--quite in the vein of our former +intimacy and good feeling, inviting me to their house, and again +professing their willingness that I should be on the terms of our old +familiarity--was little short of wonderful to me. I read, too--with what +pleasure?--that slight mention of my cousin, whom I had so long regarded +as my successful rival, but who I began now to hope had not been +preferred to me. Perhaps it was not yet too late to think that all was +not hopeless. It appeared, too, that several letters had been written +which had never reached me; so, while I accused them of neglect and +forgetfulness, I was really more amenable to the charge myself; for, from +the moment I had heard of my cousin Guy's having been domesticated +amongst them, and the rumours of his marriage had reached me, I suffered +my absurd jealousy to blind my reason, and never wrote another line +after. I ought to have known how "bavarde" [boasting] Guy always was +--that he never met with the most commonplace attentions any where, that +he did not immediately write home about settlements and pin-money, and +portions for younger children, and all that sort of nonsense. Now I saw +it all plainly, and ten thousand times quicker than my hopes were +extinguished before were they again kindled, and I could not refrain +from regarding Lady Jane as a mirror of constancy, and myself the most +fortunate man in Europe. My old castle-building propensities came back +upon me in an instant, and I pictured myself, with Lady Jane as my +companion, wandering among the beautiful scenery of the Neckar, beneath +the lofty ruins of Heidelberg, or skimming the placid surface of the +Rhine, while, "mellowed by distance," came the rich chorus of a +student's melody, filling the air with its flood of song. How +delightful, I thought, to be reading the lyrics of Uhland, or Buerger, +with one so capable of appreciating them, with all the hallowed +associations of the "Vaterland" about us! Yes, said I aloud, repeating +the well-known line of a German "Lied"-- + + "Bakranzt mit Laub, den lieben vollen Becher." + +"Upon my conscience," said Mr. Daly, who had for some time past been in +silent admiration of my stage-struck appearance--"upon my conscience, Mr. +Lorrequer, I had no conception you knew Irish." + +The mighty talisman of the Counsellor's voice brought me back in a moment +to a consciousness of where I was then standing, and the still more +fortunate fact that I was only a subaltern in his majesty's __th--. + +"Why, my dear Counsellor, that was German I was quoting, not Irish." + +"With all my heart," said Mr. Daly, breaking the top off his third egg +--"with all my heart; I'd rather you'd talk it than me. Much conversation +in that tongue, I'm thinking, would be mighty apt to loosen one's teeth." + +"Not at all, it is the most beautiful language in Europe, and the most +musical too. Why, even for your own peculiar taste in such matters, +where can you find any language so rich in Bacchanalian songs as German?" + +"I'd rather hear the "Cruiskeen Lawn" or the "Jug of Punch" as my old +friend Pat. Samson could sing them, than a score of your high Dutch +jawbreakers." + +"Shame upon ye, Mr. Daly; and for pathos, for true feeling, where is +there anything equal to Schiller's ballads?" + +"I don't think I've ever heard any of his; but if you will talk of +ballads," said the Counsellor, "give me old Mosey M'Garry's: what's finer +than"--and here began, with a most nasal twang and dolorous emphasis, to +sing-- + + "'And I stepp'd up unto her, + An' I made a congee-- + And I ax'd her, her pardon + For the making so free.' + +"And then the next verse, she says-- + + "'Are you goin' to undo me, + In this desert alone?'-- + +"There's a shake there." + +"For Heaven's sake," I cried, "stop; when I spoke of ballads, I never +meant such infernal stuff as that." + +"I'll not give up my knowledge of ballads to any man breathing," said Mr. +Daly; "and, with God's blessing, I'll sing you one this evening, after +dinner, that will give you a cramp in the stomach." + +An animated discussion upon lyrical poetry was here interrupted by a +summons from our host to set out for the town. My party were, by the +desire of the magistracy, to be in readiness near the court-house, in the +event of any serious disturbance, which there existed but too much reason +to fear from the highly excited state of feeling on the subject of the +approaching trials. The soldiers were, under the guidance of Mr. +Larkins, safely ensconced in a tan-yard; and I myself, having consigned +them for the present to a non-commissioned officer, was left at perfect +liberty to dispose of my time and person as it might please me. + +While these arrangements were taking place, I had entirely lost sight of +Mr. Daly, under whose guidance and protection I trusted to obtain a place +within the bar to hear the trials; so that I was now perfectly alone, for +my host's numerous avocations entirely precluded any thought of my +putting myself under his care. + +My first object was to reach the court-house, and there could be little +difficulty in finding it, for the throng of persons in the street were +all eagerly bending their way thither. I accordingly followed with the +stream, and soon found myself among an enormous multitude of frize-coated +and red-cloaked people, of both sexes, in a large open square, which +formed the market-place, one side of which was flanked by the +court-house--for as such I immediately recognized a massive-looking grey +stone building--in which the numerous windows, all open and filled with +people, exhaled a continued steam from the crowded atmosphere within. +To approach it was perfectly impossible: for the square was packed so +closely, that as the people approached, by the various streets, they +were obliged to stand in the avenues leading to it, and regard what was +going on from a distance. Of this large multitude I soon became one, +hoping that at length some fortunate opportunity might enable me to +obtain admission through some of my legal acquaintances. + +That the fate of those who were then upon their trial for their lives +absorbed the entire feelings of those without, a momentary glance at the +hundreds of anxious and care-worn faces in the crowd, would completely +satisfy. Motionless and silent they stood: they felt no fatigue--no want +of food or refreshment--their interest was one and undivided--all their +hopes and fears were centered in the events then passing at a short +distance from them, but to which their ignorance imparted an additional +and more painful excitement--the only information of how matters were +going on being by an occasional word, sometimes a mere gesture from some +one stationed in the windows to a friend in the crowd. + +When the contemplation of this singularly impressive scene was beginning +to weary from the irksomeness of my position, I thought of retiring: but +soon discovered how impossible was such a step. The crowd had blocked up +so completely all the avenues of approach, that even had I succeeded in +getting from the market-place, it would be only to remain firmly impacted +among the mob in the street. + +It now also occurred to me, that although I had been assured by Larkins +no call could possibly be made upon my services or those of my party, +till after the trial, yet, were that to conclude at any moment, I should +be perfectly unable to regain the place where I had stationed them, and +the most serious consequences might ensue from the absence of their +officer, if the men were required to act. + +From the time this thought took possession of me, I became excessively +uncomfortable. Every expression of the people that denoted the progress +of the trial, only alarmed me for the conclusion, which I supposed, might +not be distant, and I began, with all my ingenuity, to attempt my +retreat, which, after half an hour's severe struggle, I completely +abandoned, finding myself scarcely ten yards from where I started. + +At length, the counsel for the crown, who had been speaking to evidence, +ceased; and an indistinct murmur was heard through the court-house, which +was soon repressed by the voice of the crier calling "silence." All now +seemed still and silent as the grave--yet, on listening attentively, for +some time, you could catch the low tones of a voice speaking, as it +appeared, with great deliberation and slowness. This was the judge +addressing the jury. In a short time this also ceased; and, for about +half an hour, the silence was perfectly unbroken, and both within and +without there reigned one intense and aching sense of anxiety that +absorbed every feeling, and imparted to every face an expression of +almost agonizing uncertainty. It was, indeed, a space well calculated to +excite such emotions. The jury had retired to deliberate upon their +verdict. At length a door was heard to open, and the footsteps of the +jury, as they resumed their places, sounded through the court, and were +heard by those without. How heavily upon many a stout heart those +footsteps fell! They had taken their seats--then came another pause +--after which the monotonous tones of the clerk of the court were heard, +addressing the jury for their verdict. As the foreman rises every ear is +bent--every eye strained--every heart-string vibrates: his lips move, but +he is not heard; he is desired by the judge to speak louder; the colour +mounts to his before bloodless face; he appears to labour for a few +seconds with a mighty effort, and, at last, pronounces the words, +"Guilty, my Lord--all guilty!" + +I have heard the wild war-whoop of the red Indian, as, in his own pine +forest, he has unexpectedly come upon the track of his foe, and the +almost extinguished hope of vengeance has been kindled again in his cruel +heart--I have listened to the scarcely less savage hurra of a storming +party, as they have surmounted the crumbling ruins of a breach, and +devoted to fire and sword, with that one yell, all who await them--and +once in my life it has been my fortune to have heard the last yell of +defiance from a pirate crew, as they sunk beneath the raking fire of a +frigate, rather than surrender, and went down with a cheer of defiance +that rose even above the red artillery that destroyed but could not +subdue them;--but never, in any or all of these awful moments, did my +heart vibrate to such sounds as rent the air when the fatal "Guilty" was +heard by those within, and repeated to those without. It was not grief +--it was not despair--neither was it the cry of sharp and irrepressible +anguish, from a suddenly blighted hope--but it was the long pent-up and +carefully-concealed burst of feeling which called aloud for vengeance +--red and reeking revenge upon all who had been instrumental in the +sentence then delivered. It ceased, and I looked towards the +court-house, expecting that an immediate and desperate attack upon the +building and those whom it contained would at once take place. But +nothing of the kind ensued; the mob were already beginning to disperse, +and before I recovered perfectly from the excitement of these few and +terrible moments, the square was nearly empty, and I almost felt as if +the wild and frantic denunciation that still rang through my ears, had +been conjured up by a heated and fevered imagination. + +When I again met our party at the dinner table, I could not help feeling +surprised on perceiving how little they sympathized in my feeling for the +events of the day; which, indeed, they only alluded to in a professional +point of view--criticising the speeches of the counsel on both sides, and +the character of the different witnesses who were examined. + +"Well," said Mr. Daly, addressing our host, "you never could have had a +conviction to-day if it wasn't for Mike. He's the best evidence I ever +heard. I'd like to know very much how you ever got so clever a fellow +completely in your clutches?" + +"By a mere accident, and very simply," replied the justice. "It was upon +one of our most crowded fair days--half the county was in town, when the +information arrived that the Walshes were murdered the night before, at +the cross-roads above Telenamuck mills. The news reached me as I was +signing some tithe warrants, one of which was against Mickey. I sent for +him into the office, knowing that as he was in the secret of all the evil +doings, I might as well pretend to do him a service, and offer to stop +the warrant, out of kindness as it were. Well, one way or another, he +was kept waiting for several hours while I was engaged in writing, and +all the country people, as they passed the window, could look in and see +Mickey Sheehan standing before me, while I was employed busily writing +letters. It was just at this time, that a mounted policeman rode in with +the account of the murder; upon which I immediately issued a warrant to +arrest the two MacNeills and Owen Shirley upon suspicion. I thought I +saw Mike turn pale, as I said the names over to the serjeant of police, +and I at once determined to turn it to account; so I immediately began +talking to Mickey about his own affairs, breaking off, every now and +then, to give some directions about the men to be captured. The crowd +outside was increasing every instant, and you need not have looked at +their faces twice, to perceive that they had regarded Mickey as an +approver; and the same night that saw the MacNeills in custody, witnessed +the burning of Sheehan's house and haggart, and he only escaped by a +miracle over to Curryglass, where, once under my protection, with the +imputation upon his character of having turned King's evidence, I had +little trouble in persuading him that he might as well benefit by the +report as enjoy the name without the gain. He soon complied, and the +convictions of this day are partly the result." + +When the applause which greeted this clever stroke of our host had +subsided, I enquired what results might, in all likelihood, follow the +proceedings of which I had that day been a witness? + +"Nothing will be done immediately," replied the justice, "because we +have a large force of police and military about us; but let either, or +unhappily both, be withdrawn, and the cry you heard given in the +market-place to-day will be the death-wail for more than one of those +who are well and hearty at this moment." + +The train of thought inevitably forced upon me by all I had been a +spectator of during the day, but little disposed me to be a partaker in +the mirth and conviviality which, as usual, formed the staple of the +assize dinners of Mr. Larkins; and I accordingly took an early +opportunity to quit the company and retire for the night. + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + +A DAY IN DUBLIN. + +On the third day of my residence at Curryglass, arrived my friend, +Mortimer, to replace me, bringing my leave from the colonel, and a most +handsome letter, in which he again glanced at the prospect before me in +the Callonby family, and hinted at my destination, which I had not +alluded to, adding, that if I made the pretence of study in Germany the +reason for my application at the Horse Guards, I should be almost certain +to obtain a six months' leave. With what spirits I ordered Stubber to +pack up my portmanteau, and secure our places in the Dublin mail for that +night, while I myself hurried to take leave of my kind entertainer and +his guests, as well as to recommend to their favor and attention my +excellent friend Mortimer, who, being a jovial fellow, not at all in +love, was a happy exchange for me, who, despite Daly's capital stories, +had spent the last two days in watching the high road for my successor's +arrival. + +Once more then, I bade adieu to Curryglass and its hospitable owner, +whose labours for "justice to Ireland" I shall long remember, and +depositing myself in the bowels of his majesty's mail, gave way to the +full current of my hopes and imaginings, which at last ended in a sound +and refreshing sleep, from which I only awoke as we drew up at the door +of the Hibernian, in Dawson-street. + +Even at that early hour there was considerable bustle and activity of +preparation, which I was at some loss to account for, till informed by +the waiter that there were upwards of three hundred strangers in the +house, it being the day of his majesty's expected arrival on his visit to +Ireland, and a very considerable section of the county Galway being at +that moment, with their wives and families, installed, for the occasion, +in this, their favourite hotel. + +Although I had been reading of this approaching event every day for the +last three months, I could not help feeling surprised at the intense +appearance of excitement it occasioned, and, in the few minutes' +conversation I held with the waiter, learned the total impossibility of +procuring a lodging anywhere, and that I could not have a bed, even were +I to offer five guineas for it. Having, therefore, no inclination for +sleep, even upon easier terms, I ordered my breakfast to be ready at ten, +and set out upon a stroll through the town. I could not help, in my +short ramble through the streets, perceiving how admirably adapted were +the worthy Dublinites for all the honors that awaited them; garlands of +flowers, transparencies, flags, and the other insignia of rejoicing, were +everywhere in preparation, and, at the end of Sackville-street, a +considerable erection, very much resembling an impromptu gallows, was +being built, for the purpose, as I afterwards learnt, of giving the +worshipful the lord mayor the opportunity of opening the city gates to +royalty; creating the obstacle where none existed; being a very ingenious +conceit, and considerably Irish into the bargain. I could not help +feeling some desire to witness how all should go off, to use the +theatrical phrase; but, in my anxiety to get on to the continent, +I at once abandoned every thought of delay. When I returned to the +coffee-room of my hotel, I found it crowded to excess; every little +table, originally destined for the accommodation of one, having at least +two, and sometimes three occupants. In my hurried glance round the +room, to decide where I should place myself, I was considerably struck +with the appearance of a stout elderly gentleman, with red whiskers, and +a high, bald forehead; he had, although the day was an oppressively hot +one, three waistcoats on, and by the brown York tan of his long topped +boots, evinced a very considerable contempt either for weather or +fashion; in the quick glance of his sharp grey eye, I read that he +listened half doubtingly to the narrative of his companion, whose back +was turned towards me, but who appeared, from the occasional words which +reached me, to be giving a rather marvellous and melodramatic version of +the expected pleasures of the capital. There was something in the tone +of the speaker's voice that I thought I recognised; I accordingly drew +near, and what was my surprise to discover my friend Tom O'Flaherty. +After our first salutation was over, Tom presented me to his friend, Mr. +Burke, of somewhere, who, he continued to inform me, in a stage whisper, +was a "regular dust," and never in Dublin in his life before. + +"And so, you say, sir, that his majesty cannot enter without the +permission of the lord mayor?" + +"And the aldermen, too," replied Tom. "It is an old feudal ceremony; +when his majesty comes up to the gate, he demands admission, and the lord +mayor refuses, because he would be thus surrendering his great +prerogative of head of the city; then the aldermen get about him, and +cajole him, and by degrees he's won over by the promise of being +knighted, and the king gains the day, and enters." + +"Upon my conscience, a mighty ridiculous ceremony it is, after all," said +Mr. Burke, "and very like a bargain for sheep in Ballinasloe fair, when +the buyer and seller appear to be going to fight, till a mutual friend +settles the bargain between them." + +At this moment, Mr. Burke suddenly sprung from his chair, which was +nearest the window, to look out; I accordingly followed his example, and +beheld a rather ludicrous procession, if such it could be called, +consisting of so few persons. The principal individual in the group was +a florid, fat, happy-looking gentleman of about fifty, with a profusion +of nearly white whiskers, which met at his chin, mounted upon a sleek +charger, whose half-ambling, half-prancing pace, had evidently been +acquired by long habit of going in procession; this august figure was +habited in a scarlet coat and cocked hat, having aiguillettes, and all +the other appanage of a general officer; he also wore tight buckskin +breeches, and high jack-boots, like those of the Blues and Horse Guards; +as he looked from side to side, with a self-satisfied contented air, he +appeared quite insensible of the cortege which followed and preceded him; +the latter, consisting of some score of half-ragged boys, yelling and +shouting with all their might, and the former, being a kind of instalment +in hand of the Dublin Militia Band, and who, in numbers and equipment, +closely resembled the "army which accompanies the first appearance of +Bombastes." The only difference, that these I speak of did not play "the +Rogue's March," which might have perhaps appeared personal. + +As this goodly procession advanced, Mr. Burke's eyes became riveted upon +it; it was the first wonder he had yet beheld, and he devoured it. "May +I ask, sir," said he, at length, "who that is?" + +"Who that is!" said Tom, surveying him leisurely as he spoke; "why, +surely, sir, you must be jesting, or you would not ask such a question; +I trust, indeed, every one knows who he is. Eh, Harry," said he, looking +at me for a confirmation of what he said, and to which, of course, I +assented by a look. + +"Well, but, my dear Mr. O'Flaherty, you forget how ignorant I am of every +thing here--" + +"Ah, true," said Tom, interrupting; "I forgot you never saw him before." + +"And who is he, sir?" + +"Why, that's the Duke of Wellington." + +"Lord have mercy upon me, is it?" said Mr. Burke, as he upset the table, +and all its breakfast equipage, and rushed through the coffee-room like +one possessed. Before I could half recover from the fit of laughing this +event threw me into, I heard him as he ran full speed down Dawson-street, +waving his hat, and shouting out at the top of his lungs, "God bless your +grace--Long life to your grace--Hurra for the hero of Waterloo; the great +captain of the age," &c. &c.; which I grieve to say, for the ingratitude +of the individual lauded, seemed not to afford him half the pleasure, and +none of the amusement it did the mob, who reechoed the shouts and +cheering till he was hid within the precincts of the Mansion House. + +"And, now," said Tom to me, "finish your breakfast as fast as possible; +for, when Burke comes back he will be boring me to dine with him, or some +such thing, as a kind of acknowledgment of his gratitude for showing him +the Duke. Do you know he has seen more wonders through my poor +instrumentality, within the last three days in Dublin than a six months' +trip to the continent would show most men. I have made him believe that +Burke Bethel is Lord Brougham, and I am about to bring him to a soiree at +Mi-Ladi's, who he supposes to be the Marchioness of Conyngham. Apropos +to the Bellissima, let me tell you of a 'good hit' I was witness to a few +nights since; you know, perhaps, old Sir Charles Giesecke, eh?" + +"I have seen him once, I think--the professor of mineralogy." + +"Well, poor old Sir Charles, one of the most modest and retiring men in +existence, was standing the other night among the mob, in one of the +drawing-rooms, while a waltzing-party were figuring away, at which, with +that fondness for 'la danse' that characterizes every German of any age, +he was looking with much interest, when my lady came tripping up, and the +following short dialogue ensued within my ear-shot:--" + +"Ah, mon cher, Sir Charles, ravi de vous voir. But why are you not +dancing?" + +"Ah, mi ladi, Je ne puis pas, c'est a dire, Ich kann es nicht; I am too +old; Ich bin--" + +"Oh, you horrid man; I understand you perfectly. You hate ladies, that +is the real reason. You do--you know you do." + +"Ah, my ladi, Gnaedige frau; glauben sie mir; I do loave de ladies; I do +adore de sex. Do you know, my ladi, when I was in Greenland I did keep +four womans." + +"Oh, shocking, horrid, vile Sir Charles, how could you tell me such a +story? I shall die of it." + +"Ah, mine Gott, mi ladi; sie irren sich, vous, vous trompez. You are +quite in mistake; it was only to row my boat!" + +"I leave you to guess how my lady's taste for the broad-side of the +story, and poor Sir Charles's vindication of himself, in regard to his +estimation of 'le beau sexe,' amused all who heard it; as for me, I had +to leave the room, half-choked with suppressed laughter. And, now, let +us bolt, for I see Burke coming, and, upon my soul I am tired of telling +him lies, and must rest on my oars for a few hours at least." + +"But where is the necessity for so doing?" said I, "surely, where there +is so much of novelty as a large city presents to a visitor for the first +time, there is little occasion to draw upon imagination for your facts." + +"Ah, my dear Harry, how little do you know of life; there is a kind of +man whose appetite for the marvellous is such, that he must be crammed +with miracles or he dies of inanition, and you might as well attempt to +feed a tiger upon pate de foie gras, as satisfy him by mere naked +unvarnished truth. I'll just give you an easy illustration; you saw his +delight this morning when the 'Duke' rode past; well I'll tell you the +converse of that proposition now. The night before last, having nothing +better to do, we went to the theatre; the piece was 'La Perouse,' which +they have been playing here for the last two months to crowded houses, to +exhibit some North American Indians whom some theatrical speculator +brought over 'expres', in all the horrors of fur, wampum, and yellow +ochre. Finding the 'spectacle' rather uninteresting I leaned back in my +box, and fell into a doze. Meanwhile, my inquiring friend, Mr. Burke, +who felt naturally anxious, as he always does, to get au fond at matters, +left his place to obtain information about the piece, the audience, and, +above all, the authenticity of the Indians, who certainly astonished him +considerably. + +"Now it so happened that about a fortnight previously some violent +passion to return home to their own country had seized these interesting +individuals, and they felt the most irresistible longing to abandon the +savage and unnatural condiments of roast beef and Guinness's porter, and +resume their ancient and more civilized habits of life. In fact, like +the old African lady, mentioned by the missionary at the Cape, they felt +they could die happy if they 'could only once more have a roast child for +supper,' and as such luxuries are dear in this country, stay another week +they would not, whatever the consequences might be; the manager reasoned, +begged, implored and threatened, by turns; all would not do, go they were +determined, and all that the unfortunate proprietor could accomplish was, +to make a purchase of their properties in fur, belts, bows, arrows, and +feathers, and get them away quietly, without the public being the wiser. +The piece was too profitable a one to abandon, so he looked about +anxiously, to supply the deficiency in his corps dramatique. For several +days nothing presented itself to his thoughts, and the public were +becoming more clamorous for the repetition of a drama which had greatly +delighted them. What was to be done? In a mood of doubt and uncertainty +the wretched manager was taking his accustomed walk upon the light-house +pier, while a number of unfortunate country fellows, bare legged and +lanky, with hay ropes fastening their old grey coats around them, were +standing beside a packet about to take their departure for England, for +the harvest. Their uncouth appearance, their wild looks, their violent +gestures, and, above all, their strange and guttural language, for they +were all speaking Irish, attracted the attention of the manager; the +effect, to his professional eye was good, the thought struck him at once. +Here were the very fellows he wanted. It was scarcely necessary to alter +any thing about them, they were ready made to his hand, and in many +respects better savages than their prototypes. Through the mediation of +some whiskey, the appropriate liquor in all treaties of this nature, a +bargain was readily struck, and in two hours more, 'these forty thieves' +were rehearsing upon the classic boards of our theatre, and once more, La +Perouse, in all the glory of red capital letters, shone forth in the +morning advertisements. The run of the piece continued unabated; the +Indians were the rage; nothing else was thought or spoken of in Dublin, +and already the benefit of Ashewaballagh Ho was announced, who, by the +by, was a little fellow from Martin's estate in Connemara, and one of the +drollest dogs I ever heard of. Well, it so happened that it was upon one +of their nights of performing that I found myself, with Mr. Burke, a +spectator of their proceedings; I had fallen into an easy slumber, while +a dreadful row in the box lobby roused me from my dream, and the loud cry +of 'turn him out,' 'pitch him over,' 'beat his brains out,' and other +humane proposals of the like nature, effectually restored me to +consciousness; I rushed out of the box into the lobby, and there, to my +astonishment, in the midst of a considerable crowd, beheld my friend, Mr. +Burke, belaboring the box-keeper with all his might with a cotton +umbrella of rather unpleasant proportions, accompanying each blow with an +exclamation of 'well, are they Connaughtmen, now, you rascal, eh? are +they all west of Athlone, tell me that, no? I wonder what's preventing +me beating the soul out of ye.' After obtaining a short cessation of +hostilities, and restoring poor Sharkey to his legs, much more dead than +alive from pure fright, I learned, at last, the teterrima causa belli. +Mr. Burke, it seems, had entered into conversation with Sharkey, the +box-keeper, as to all the particulars of the theatre, and the present +piece, but especially as to the real and authentic history of the +Indians, whose language he remarked, in many respects to resemble Irish. +Poor Sharkey, whose benefit-night was approaching, thought he might +secure a friend for life, by imparting to him an important state secret; +and when, therefore, pressed rather closely as to the 'savages' +whereabout' resolved to try a bold stroke, and trust his unknown +interrogator. 'And so you don't really know where they come from, nor +can't guess?' 'Maybe, Peru,' said Mr. Burke, innocently. 'Try again, +sir,' said Sharkey, with a knowing grin. 'Is it Behring's Straits?' +said Mr. Burke. 'What do you think of Galway, sir?' said Sharkey, with +a leer intended to cement a friendship for life; the words were no +sooner out of his lips, than Burke, who immediately took them as a piece +of direct insolence to himself and his country, felled him to the earth, +and was in the act of continuing the discipline when I arrived on the +field of battle." + + + + +CHAPTER XXI. + +A NIGHT AT HOWTH. + +"And must you really leave us so soon," said Tom as we issued forth into +the street; "why I was just planning a whole week's adventure for you. +Town is so full of all kinds of idle people, I think I could manage to +make your time pass pleasantly enough." + +"Of that," I replied, "I have little doubt; but for the reasons I have +just mentioned, it is absolutely necessary that I should not lose a +moment; and after arranging a few things here, I shall start to-morrow by +the earliest packet, and hasten up to London at once." + +"By Jupiter," said Tom, "how lucky. I just remember something, which +comes admirably apropos. You are going to Paris--is it not so?" + +"Yes, direct to Paris." + +"Nothing could be better. There is a particularly nice person, a great +friend of mine, Mrs. Bingham, waiting for several days in hopes of a +chaperon to take care of herself and daughter--a lovely girl, only +nineteen, you wretch--to London, en route to the continent: the mamma +a delightful woman, and a widow, with a very satisfactory jointure--you +understand--but the daughter, a regular downright beauty, and a ward in +chancery, with how many thousand pounds I am afraid to trust myself to +say. You must know then they are the Binghams of--, upon my soul, I +forget where; but highly respectable." + +"I regret I have not the pleasure of their acquaintance, and the more +because I shall not be able to make it now." + +"As why?" said Tom gravely. + +"Because, in the first place, I am so confoundedly pressed for time that +I could not possibly delay under any contingency that might arise; and +your fair friends are, doubtless, not so eagerly determined upon +travelling night and day till they reach Paris. Secondly, to speak +candidly, with my present hopes and fears weighing upon my mind, I should +not be the most agreeable travelling companion to two ladies with such +pretensions as you speak of; and thirdly,--" + +"Confound your thirdly. I suppose we shall have sixteenthly, like a +Presbyterian minister's sermon, if I let you go on. Why, they'll not +delay you one hour. Mrs. Bingham, man, cares as little for the road as +yourself; and as for your petits soins, I suppose if you get the fair +ladies through the Custom-House, and see them safe in a London hotel, +it is all will be required at your hands." + +"Notwithstanding all you say, I see the downright impossibility of my +taking such a charge at this moment, when my own affairs require all the +little attention I can bestow; and when, were I once involved with your +fair friends, it might be completely out of my power to prosecute my own +plans." + +As I said this, we reached the door of a handsome looking house in +Kildare-street; upon which Tom left my arm, and informing me that he +desired to drop a card, knocked loudly. + +"Is Mrs. Bingham at home," said he, as the servant opened the door. + +"No sir, she's out in the carriage." + +"Well, you see Harry, your ill luck befriends you; for I was resolved on +presenting you to my friends and leaving the rest to its merits." + +"I can safely assure you that I should not have gone up stairs," said I. +"Little as I know of myself, there is one point of my character I have +never been deceived in, the fatal facility by which every new incident +or adventure can turn me from following up my best matured and longest +digested plans; and as I feel this weakness and cannot correct it; the +next best thing I can do is fly the causes." + +"Upon my soul," said Tom, "you have become quite a philosopher since we +met. There is an old adage which says, 'no king is ever thoroughly +gracious if he has not passed a year or two in dethronement;' so I +believe your regular lady-killer--yourself for instance--becomes a very +quiet animal for being occasionally jilted. But now, as you have some +commissions to do, pray get done with them as fast as possible, and let +us meet at dinner. Where do you dine to-day?" + +"Why, upon that point, I am at your service completely." + +"Well, then, I have got a plan which I think will suit you. You said you +wished to go by Holyhead, for fear of delay; so, we'll drive down at six +o'clock to Skinner's and dine with him on board the packet at Howth. +Bring your luggage with you, and it will save you a vast deal of fuss and +trouble in the morning." + +Nothing could be better management for me than this, so I accordingly +promised acquiescence; and having appointed a rendezvous for six o'clock, +bade O'Flaherty good by, inwardly rejoicing that my plans were so far +forwarded, and that I was not to be embarrassed with either Mrs. Bingham +or her daughter, for whose acquaintance or society I had no peculiar +ambition. + +My commissions, though not very numerous, occupied the few hours which +remained, and it was already a few minutes past six o'clock when I took +my stand under the piazza of the Post Office to wait for O'Flaherty. I +had not long to do so, for immediately after I had reached the spot, he +arrived in an open barouche and four posters, with three other young men, +to whom he severally introduced me, but whose names I have totally +forgotten; I only remember that two of the party were military men then +quartered in town. + +When I had taken my seat, I could not help whispering to Tom, that +although his friend Skinner might be "bon" for a visitation or two at his +dinner, yet as we were now so strong a party, it might be as well to dine +at the hotel. + +"Oh," said he, "I have arranged all that; I have sent him a special +messenger two hours since, and so make your mind easy--we shall not be +disappointed, nor be short-taken." + +Our drive, although a long one, passed quickly over, and before we had +reached our destination, I had become tolerably intimate with all the +party, who were evidently picked men, selected by O'Flaherty for a +pleasant evening. + +We drove along the pier to the wharf, where the steamer lay, and were +received at once by Tom's friend with all the warm welcome and +hospitality of a sailor, united with the address and polish of a very +finished gentleman. As we descended the companion-ladder to the cabin, +my mind became speedily divested of any fears I might have indulged in, +as to the want of preparation of our entertainer. The table was covered +with all the appanage of handsome plate and cut glass, while the +side-tables glittered with a magnificent dessert, and two large +wine-coolers presented an array of champagne necks shining with their +leaden cravats that would have tempted an anchorite. + +I remember very little else of that evening than the coup d'oeil I have +mentioned; besides, were my memory more retentive, I might scruple to +trespass farther on my reader's patience, by the detail of those +pleasures, which, like love-letters, however agreeable to the parties +immediately concerned, are very unedifying to all others. I do remember, +certainly, that good stories and capital songs succeeded each other with +a rapidity only to be equalled by the popping of corks; and have also a +very vague and indistinct recollection of a dance round the table, +evidently to finish a chorus, but which, it appears, finished me too, for +I saw no more that night. + +How many men have commemorated the waking sensations of their fellow-men, +after a night's debauch; yet at the same time, I am not aware of any one +having perfectly conveyed even a passing likeness to the mingled throng +of sensations which crowd one's brain on such an occasion. The doubt of +what has passed, by degrees yielding to the half-consciousness of the +truth, the feeling of shame, inseparable except to the habitually +hard-goer, for the events thus dimly pictured, the racking headache and +intense thirst, with the horror of the potation recently indulged in: the +recurring sense of the fun or drollery of a story or an incident which +provokes us again to laugh despite the jarring of our brain from the +shaking. All this and more most men have felt, and happy are they when +their waking thoughts are limited to such, at such times as these--the +matter becomes considerably worse, when the following morning calls for +some considerable exertion, for which even in your best and calmest +moments, you only find yourself equal. + +It is truly unpleasant, on rubbing your eyes and opening your ears, to +discover that the great bell is ringing the half-hour before your +quarterly examination at college, while Locke, Lloyd, and Lucian are +dancing a reel through your brain, little short of madness; scarcely less +agreeable is it, to learn that your friend Captain Wildfire is at the +door in his cab, to accompany you to the Phoenix, to stand within twelve +paces of a cool gentleman who has been sitting with his arm in Eau de +Cologne for the last half-hour, that he may pick you out "artist-like." +There are, besides these, innumerable situations in which our +preparations of the night would appear, as none of the wisest; but I +prefer going at once to my own, which, although considerably inferior in +difficulty, was not without its own "desagremens." + +When I awoke, therefore, on board the "Fire-fly," the morning after our +dinner-party, I was perfectly unable, by any mental process within my +reach, to discover where I was. On ship-board I felt I must be--the +narrow berth--the gilded and panelled cabin which met my eye, through my +half-open curtains, and that peculiar swelling motion inseparable from a +vessel in the water, all satisfied me of this fact. I looked about me, +but could see no one to give me the least idea of my position. Could it +be that we were on our way out to Corfu, and that I had been ill for some +time past? + +But this cabin had little resemblance to a transport; perhaps it might be +a frigate--I knew not. Then again, were we sailing, or at anchor, for +the ship was nearly motionless; at this instant a tremendous noise like +thunder crashed through my head, and for a moment I expected we had +exploded, and would be all blown up; but an instant after I discovered it +must be the escape of the steam, and that I was on board a packet ship. +Here, then, was some clue to my situation, and one which would probably +have elicited all in due season; but just at this moment a voice on deck +saved me from any further calculations. Two persons were conversing +whose voices were not altogether unknown to me, but why I knew not. + +"Then, Captain, I suppose you consider this as an excellent passage." + +"Yes, of course I do," replied the captain, "it's only five hours since +we left Howth, and now you see we are nearly in; if we have this run of +the tide we shall reach the Head before twelve o'clock." + +"Ha! ha!" said I to myself, "now I begin to learn something. So we have +crossed the channel while I was sleeping--not the least agreeable thing +for a man to hear who suffers martyrdom from sea sickness--but let me +listen again." + +"And that large mountain there--is that Snowdon?" + +"No. You cannot see Snowdon; there is too much mist about it; that +mountain is Capel Carrig; and there that bold bluff to the eastward, that +is Penmen Mawr." + +"Come, there is no time to be lost," thought I; so springing out of my +berth, accoutred as I was, in merely trowsers and slippers, with a red +handkerchief fastened night-cap fashion round my head, I took my way +through the cabin. + +My first thought on getting upon my legs was how tremendously the vessel +pitched, which I had not remarked while in my berth, but now I could +scarce keep myself from falling at every step. I was just about to call +the steward, when I again heard the voices on deck. + +"You have but few passengers this trip." + +"I think only yourself and a Captain Lorrequer," replied the captain, +"who, by-the-by, is losing all this fine coast, which is certainly a +great pity." + +"He shall not do so much longer," thought I; "for as I find that there are +no other passengers, I'll make my toilet on deck, and enjoy the view +besides." With this determination I ascended slowly and cautiously the +companion ladder, and stepped out upon the deck; but scarcely had I done +so, when a roar of the loudest laughter made me turn my head towards the +poop, and there to my horror of horrors, I beheld Tom O'Flaherty seated +between two ladies, whose most vociferous mirth I soon perceived was +elicited at my expense. + +All the party of the preceding night were also there, and as I turned +from their grinning faces to the land, I saw, to my shame and confusion, +that we were still lying beside the pier at Howth; while the band-boxes, +trunks, and imperials of new arrivals were incessantly pouring in, as +travelling carriages kept driving up to the place of embarkation. I +stood perfectly astounded and bewildered--shame for my ridiculous costume +would have made me fly at any other time--but there I remained to be +laughed at patiently, while that villain O'Flaherty leading me passively +forward, introduced me to his friends--"Mrs. Bingham, Mr. Lorrequer; Mr. +Lorrequer, Miss Bingham. Don't be prepossessed against him, ladies, for +when not in love, and properly dressed, he is a marvellously well-looking +young gentleman; and as--" + +What the remainder of the sentence might be, I knew not, for I rushed +down into the cabin, and locking the door, never opened it till I could +perceive from the stern windows that we were really off on our way to +England, and recognized once more the laughing face of O'Flaherty, who, +as he waved his hat to his friends from the pier, reminded them that +"they were under the care and protection of his friend Lorrequer, who, he +trusted, would condescend to increase his wearing apparel under the +circumstances." + + + + +CHAPTER XXII. + +THE JOURNEY. + +When I did at last venture upon deck, it was with a costume studiously +accurate, and as much of manner as I could possibly muster, to endeavour +at once to erase the unfortunate impression of my first appearance; this, +however, was not destined to be a perfectly successful manoeuvre, and I +was obliged after a few minutes to join the laugh, which I found could +not be repressed, at my expense. One good result certainly followed from +all this. I became almost immediately on intimate terms with Mrs. +Bingham and her daughter, and much of the awkwardness in my position as +their chaperon, which bon gre, mal gre I was destined to be, was at once +got over. Mrs. Bingham herself was of that "genre" of widow which comes +under the "fat, fair, and forty" category, with a never-ceasing flow of +high, almost boisterous, spirits--an excellent temper, good health +--and a well-stocked purse. Life to her was like a game of her favourite +"speculation." When, as she believed, the "company honest," and knew her +cards trumps, she was tolerably easy for the result. She liked +Kingstown--she liked short whist--she liked the military--she liked "the +junior bar," of which she knew a good number--she had a well furnished +house in Kildare-street--and a well cushioned pew in St. Anne's--she was +a favourite at the castle--and Dr. Labatt "knew her constitution." Why, +with all these advantages, she should ever have thought of leaving the +"happy valley" of her native city, it was somewhat hard to guess. Was it +that thoughts of matrimony, which the continent held out more prospect +for, had invaded the fair widow's heart? was it that the altered +condition to which politics had greatly reduced Dublin, had effected this +change of opinion? or was it like that indescribable longing for the +unknown something, which we read of in the pathetic history of the fair +lady celebrated, I believe, by Petrarch, but I quote from memory: + + "Mrs. Gill is very ill, + Nothing can improve her, + But to see the Tuillerie, + And waddle through the Louvre." + +None of these, I believe, however good and valid reasons in themselves, +were the moving powers upon the present occasion; the all-sufficient one +being that Mrs. Bingham had a daughter. Now Miss Bingham was Dublin too +--but Dublin of a later edition--and a finer, more hot-pressed copy than +her mamma. She had been educated at Mrs. Somebody's seminary in +Mountjoy-square--had been taught to dance by Montague--and had learned +French from a Swiss governess--with a number of similar advantages +--a very pretty figure--dark eyes--long eye-lashes and a dimple--and last, +but of course least, the deserved reputation of a large fortune. She had +made a most successful debut in the Dublin world, where she was much +admired and flattered, and which soon suggested to her quick mind, as it +has often done in similar cases to a young provincial debutante, not to +waste her "fraicheur" upon the minor theatres, but at once to appear upon +the "great boards;" so far evidencing a higher flight of imagination +and enterprise than is usually found among the clique of her early +associates, who may be characterized as that school of young ladies, +who like the "Corsair" and Dunleary, and say, "ah don't!" + +She possessed much more common sense than her mamma, and promised under +proper advantages to become speedily quite sufficiently acquainted with +the world and its habitudes. In the meanwhile, I perceived that she ran +a very considerable risque of being carried off by some mustachoed Pole, +with a name like a sneeze, who might pretend to enjoy the entree into the +fashionable circles of the continent. + +Very little study of my two fair friends enabled me to see thus much; and +very little "usage" sufficed to render me speedily intimate with both; +the easy bonhommie of the mamma, who had a very methodistical +appreciation of what the "connexion" call "creature comforts," amused me +much, and opened one ready path to her good graces by the opportunity +afforded of getting up a luncheon of veal cutlets and London porter, of +which I partook, not a little to the evident loss of the fair daughter's +esteem. + +While, therefore, I made the tour of the steward's cell in search of +Harvey's sauce, I brushed up my memory of the Corsair and Childe Harold, +and alternately discussed Stilton and Southey, Lover and lobsters, Haynes +Bayley and ham. + +The day happened to be particularly calm and delightful, so that we never +left the deck; and the six hours which brought us from land to land, +quickly passed over in this manner; and ere we reached "the Head," I had +become the warm friend and legal adviser of the mother; and with the +daughter I was installed as chief confidant of all her griefs and +sorrows, both of which appointments cost me a solemn promise to take care +of them till their arrival in Paris, where they had many friends and +acquaintances awaiting them. Here, then, as usual, was the invincible +facility with which I gave myself up to any one who took the trouble to +influence me. One thing, nevertheless, I was determined on, to let no +circumstance defer my arrival at Paris a day later than was possible: +therefore, though my office as chaperon might diminish my comforts en +route, it should not interfere with the object before me. Had my mind +not been so completely engaged with my own immediate prospects, when hope +suddenly and unexpectedly revived, had become so tinged with fears and +doubts as to be almost torture, I must have been much amused with my +present position, as I found myself seated with my two fair friends, +rolling along through Wales in their comfortable travelling carriage +--giving all the orders at the different hotels--seeing after the +luggage--and acting en maitre in every respect. + +The good widow enjoyed particularly the difficulty which my precise +position, with regard to her and her daughter, threw the different +innkeepers on the road into, sometimes supposing me to be her husband, +sometimes her son, and once her son-in-law; which very alarming +conjecture brought a crimson tinge to the fair daughter's cheek, an +expression, which, in my ignorance, I thought looked very like an +inclination to faint in my arms. + +At length we reached London, and having been there safely installed at +"Mivart's," I sallied forth to present my letter to the Horse Guards, +and obtain our passport for the continent. + +"Number nine, Poland-street, sir" said the waiter, as I inquired the +address of the French Consul. Having discovered that my interview with +the commander-in-chief was appointed for four o'clock, I determined to +lose no time, but make every possible arrangement for leaving London in +the morning. + +A cab quietly conveyed me to the door of the Consul, around which stood +several other vehicles, of every shape and fashion, while in the doorway +were to be seen numbers of people, thronging and pressing, like the Opera +pit on a full night. Into the midst of this assemblage I soon thrust +myself, and, borne upon the current, at length reached a small back +parlour, filled also with people; a door opening into another small room +in the front, showed a similar mob there, with the addition of a small +elderly man, in a bag wig and spectacles, very much begrimed with snuff, +and speaking in a very choleric tone to the various applicants for +passports, who, totally ignorant of French, insisted upon interlarding +their demands with an occasional stray phrase, making a kind of +tesselated pavement of tongues, which would have shamed Babel. Nearest +to the table at which the functionary sat, stood a mustachoed gentleman, +in a blue frock and white trowsers, a white hat jauntily set upon one +side of his head, and primrose gloves. He cast a momentary glance of a +very undervaluing import upon the crowd around him, and then, turning to +the Consul, said in a very soprano tone-- + +"Passport, monsieur!" + +"Que voulez vous que je fasse," replied the old Frenchman, gruffly. + +"Je suis j'ai--that is, donnez moi passport." + +"Where do you go?" replied the Consul. + +"Calai." + +"Comment diable, speak Inglis, an I understan' you as besser. Your +name?" + +"Lorraine Snaggs, gentilhomme." + +"What age have you?--how old?" + +"Twenty-two." + +"C'est ca," said the old consul, flinging the passport across the table, +with the air of a man who thoroughly comprehended the applicant's +pretension to the designation of gentilhomme Anglais. + +"Will you be seated ma'mselle?" said the polite old Frenchman, who had +hitherto been more like a bear than a human being--"Ou allez vous donc; +where to, ma chere?" + +"To Paris, sir." + +"By Calais?" + +"No, sir; by Boulogne"-- + +"C'est bon; quel age avez vous. What old, ma belle?" + +"Nineteen, sir, in June." + +"And are you alone, quite, eh?" + +"No, sir, my little girl." + +"Ah! your leetel girl--c'est fort bien--je m'appercois; and your name?" + +"Fanny Linwood, sir." + +"C'est fini, ma chere, Mademoiselle Fanni Linwood," said the old man, as +he wrote down the name. + +"Oh, sir, I beg your pardon, but you have put me down Mademoiselle, and +--and--you see, sir, I have my little girl." + +"A c'est egal, mam'selle, they don't mind these things in France--au +plaisir de vous voir. Adieu." + +"They don't mind these things in France," said I to myself, repeating the +old consul's phrase, which I could not help feeling as a whole chapter on +his nation. + +My business was soon settled, for I spoke nothing but English--very +little knowledge of the world teaching me that when we have any favour, +however slight, to ask, it is always good policy to make the amende by +gratifying the amour propre of the granter--if, happily, there be an +opportunity for so doing. + +When I returned to Mivart's, I found a written answer to my letter of the +morning, stating that his lordship of the Horse Guards was leaving town +that afternoon, but would not delay my departure for the continent, to +visit which a four month's leave was granted me, with a recommendation to +study at Weimar. + +The next day brought us to Dover, in time to stroll about the cliffs +during the evening, when I again talked sentiment with the daughter till +very late. The Madame herself was too tired to come out, so that we had +our walk quite alone. It is strange enough how quickly this travelling +together has shaken us into intimacy. Isabella says she feels as if I +were her brother; and I begin to think myself she is not exactly like a +sister. She has a marvellously pretty foot and ancle. + +The climbing of cliffs is a very dangerous pastime. How true the French +adage--"C'est plus facile de glisser sur la gazon que sur la glace." But +still nothing can come of it; for if Lady Jane be not false, I must +consider myself an engaged man. + +"Well, but I hope," said I, rousing myself from a reverie of some +minutes, and inadvertently pressing the arm which leaned upon me--"your +mamma will not be alarmed at our long absence?" + +"Oh! not in the least; for she knows I'm with you." + +And here I felt a return of the pressure--perhaps also inadvertently +given, but which, whether or not, effectually set all my reasonings and +calculations astray; and we returned to the hotel, silent on both sides. + +The appearance of la chere mamma beside the hissing tea-urn brought us +both back to ourselves; and, after an hour's chatting, we wished good +night, to start on the morrow for the continent. + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +CALAIS. + +It was upon a lovely evening in autumn, as the Dover steam-boat rounded +the wooden pier at Calais, amid a fleet of small boats filled with eager +and anxious faces, soliciting, in every species of bad English and +"patois" [vulgar] French, the attention and patronage of the passengers. + +"Hotel de Bain, mi lor'." + +"Hotel d'Angleterre," said another, in a voice of the most imposing +superiority. "C'est superbe--pretty well." + +"Hotel du Nord, votre Excellence--remise de poste and 'delays' (quere +relays) at all hours." + +"Commissionaire, mi ladi," sung out a small shrill treble from the midst +of a crowded cock-boat, nearly swamped beneath our paddle-wheel. + +What a scene of bustle, confusion, and excitement does the deck of a +steamer present upon such an occasion. Every one is running hither or +thither. "Sauve qui peut" is now the watch-word; and friendships, that +promised a life-long endurance only half an hour ago, find here a speedy +dissolution. The lady who slept all night upon deck, enveloped in the +folds of your Astracan cloak, scarcely deigns an acknowledgment of you, +as she adjusts her ringlets before the looking-glass over the stove in +the cabin. The polite gentleman, that would have flown for a reticule or +a smelling-bottle upon the high seas, won't leave his luggage in the +harbour; and the gallantry and devotion that stood the test of half a +gale of wind and a wet jacket, is not proof when the safety of a +carpet-bag or the security of a "Mackintosh" is concerned. + +And thus here, as elsewhere, is prosperity the touchstone of good +feeling. All the various disguises which have been assumed, per viaggio, +are here immediately abandoned, and, stripped of the travelling costume +of urbanity and courtesy, which they put on for the voyage, they stand +forth in all the unblushing front of selfishness and self-interest. + +Some tender scenes yet find their place amid the debris of this chaotic +state. Here may be seen a careful mother adjusting innumerable shawls +and handkerchiefs round the throat of a sea-green young lady with a +cough; her maid is at the same instant taking a tender farewell of the +steward in the after-cabin. + +Here is a very red-faced and hot individual, with punch-coloured breeches +and gaiters, disputing "one brandy too much" in his bill, and vowing that +the company shall hear of it when he returns to England. There, a tall, +elderly woman, with a Scotch-grey eye, and a sharp cheek-bone, is +depositing within her muff various seizable articles, that, until now, +had been lying quietly in her trunk. Yonder, that raw-looking young +gentleman, with the crumpled frock-coat, and loose cravat, and sea-sick +visage, is asking every one "if they think he may land without a +passport." You scarcely recognise him for the cigar-smoking dandy of +yesterday, that talked as if he had lived half his life on the continent. +While there, a rather pretty girl is looking intently at some object in +the blue water, beside the rudder post. You are surprised you cannot +make it out; but then, she has the advantage of you, for the tall, +well-looking man, with the knowing whiskers, is evidently whispering +something in her ear. + +"Steward, this is not my trunk--mine was a leather--" + +"All the 'leathers' are gone in the first boat, sir." + +"Most scandalous way of doing business." + +"Trouble you for two-and-sixpence, sir." + +"There's Matilda coughing again," says a thin, shrewish woman, with a +kind of triumphant scowl at her better half; "but you would have her wear +that thin shawl!" + +"Whatever may be the fault of the shawl, I fancy no one will reproach her +ancles for thinness," murmurs a young Guard's man, as he peeps up the +companion-ladder. + +Amid all the Babel of tongues, and uproar of voices, the thorough bass of +the escape steam keeps up its infernal thunders, till the very brain +reels, and, sick as you have been of the voyage, you half wish yourself +once more at sea, if only to have a moment of peace and tranquillity. + +Numbers now throng the deck who have never made their appearance before. +Pale, jaundiced, and crumpled, they have all the sea-sick look and +haggard cheek of the real martyr--all except one, a stout, swarthy, +brown-visaged man, of about forty, with a frame of iron, and a voice like +the fourth string of a violincello. You wonder why he should have taken +to his bed: learn, then, that he is his Majesty's courier from the +foreign office, going with despatches to Constantinople, and that as he +is not destined to lie down in a bed for the next fourteen days, he is +glad even of the narrow resemblance to one, he finds in the berth of a +steam-boat. At length you are on shore, and marched off in a long +string, like a gang of convicts to the Bureau de l'octroi, and here is +begun an examination of the luggage, which promises, from its minuteness, +to last for the three months you destined to spend in Switzerland. At +the end of an hour you discover that the soi disant commissionaire will +transact all this affair for a few francs; and, after a tiresome wait in +a filthy room, jostled, elbowed, and trampled upon, by boors with sabots, +you adjourn to your inn, and begin to feel that you are not in England. + +Our little party had but few of the miseries here recounted to contend +with. My "savoir faire," with all modesty be it spoken, has been long +schooled in the art and practice of travelling; and while our less +experienced fellow-travellers were deep in the novel mysteries of cotton +stockings and petticoats, most ostentatiously displayed upon every table +of the Bureau, we were comfortably seated in the handsome saloon of the +Hotel du Nord, looking out upon a pretty grass plot, surrounded with +orange trees, and displaying in the middle a jet d'eau about the size of +a walking stick. + +"Now, Mr. Lorrequer," said Mrs. Bingham, as she seated herself by the +open window, "never forget how totally dependent we are upon your kind +offices. Isabella has discovered already that the French of Mountjoy +square, however intelligible in that neighbourhood, and even as far as +Mount-street, is Coptic and Sanscrit here; and as for myself, I intend to +affect deaf and dumbness till I reach Paris, where I hear every one can +speak English a little." + +"Now, then, to begin my functions," said I, as I rung for the waiter, and +ran over in my mind rapidly how many invaluable hints for my new position +my present trip might afford me, "always provided" (as the lawyers say,) +that Lady Jane Callonby might feel herself tempted to become my +travelling companion, in which case--But, confound it, how I am +castle-building again. Meanwhile, Mrs. Bingham is looking as hungry and +famished as though she would eat the waiter. Ha! this is the "carte." + +"Allons faire petit souper." + +"Cotelettes d'Agneau." + +"Maionnaise d'homard." + +"Perdreaux rouges aux truffes--mark that, aux truffes." + +"Gelee au maraschin." + +"And the wine, sir," said the waiter, with a look of approval at my +selection, "Champagne--no other wine, sir?" + +"No," said I, "Champagne only. Frappe de glace, of course," I added, and +the waiter departed with a bow that would have graced St. James's. + +As long as our immaterial and better part shall be doomed to keep company +with its fleshy tabernacle, with all its attendant miseries of gout and +indigestion, how much of our enjoyment in this world is dependent upon +the mere accessory circumstances by which the business of life is carried +on and maintained, and to despise which is neither good policy nor sound +philosophy. In this conclusion a somewhat long experience of the life of +a traveller has fully established me. And no where does it press more +forcibly upon the mind than when first arrived in a continental inn, +after leaving the best hotels of England still fresh in your memory. I +do not for a moment dispute the very great superiority in comfort of the +latter, by which I would be understood to mean all those resemblances to +one's own home which an English hotel so eminently possesses, and every +other one so markedly wants; but I mean that in contrivances to elevate +the spirit, cheer the jaded and tired wayfarer by objects which, however +they may appeal to the mere senses, seem, at least, but little sensual, +give me a foreign inn; let me have a large spacious saloon, with its +lofty walls and its airy, large-paned windows, (I shall not object if the +cornices and mouldings be gilded, because such is usually the case,)--let +the sun and heat of a summer's day come tempered through the deep +lattices of a well-fitting "jalousie," bearing upon them the rich incense +of a fragrant orange tree in blossom--and the sparkling drops of a +neighbouring fountain, the gentle plash of which is faintly audible amid +the hum of the drone-bee--let such be the "agremens" without--while +within, let the more substantial joys of the table await, in such guise +as only a French cuisine can present them--give me these, I say, and I +shall never sigh for the far-famed and long-deplored comforts of a box in +a coffee-room, like a pew in a parish church, though certainly not so +well cushioned, and fully as dull, with a hot waiter and a cold +beefsteak--the only thing higher than your game being your bill, and the +only thing less drinkable than your port being the porter. + +With such exotic notions, figures vous, my dear reader, whether or not I +felt happy as I found myself seated between my two fair friends doing the +honours of a little supper, and assisting the exhilaration of our +champagne by such efforts of wit as, under favourable circumstances like +these, are ever successful--and which, being like the foaming liquid +which washes them down, to be swallowed without waiting, are ever +esteemed good, from the excitement that results, and never seriously +canvassed for any more sterling merit. Nothing ever makes a man so +agreeable as the belief that he is so: and certainly my fair companions +appeared to have the most excellent idea of my powers in that respect; +and I fancy, that I made more bon mots, hit off more epigrams, and +invented more choice incidents on that happy evening, than, if now +remembered, would suffice to pay my tailor's bill, when collated for +Bentley's Miscellany, and illustrated by Cruikshank--alas! that, like the +good liquor that seasoned them, both are gone by, and I am left but to +chronicle their memory of the fun, in dulness, and counterfeit the +effervescence of the grape juice, by soda water. One thing, however, is +certain--we formed a most agreeable party; and if a feeling of gloom ever +momentarily shot through my mind, it was, that evenings like these came +so rarely in this work-a-day world--that each such should be looked on, +as our last. + +If I had not already shown myself up to my reader as a garcon volage of +the first water, perhaps I should now hesitate about confessing that I +half regretted the short space during which it should be my privilege to +act as the guide and mentor of my two friends. The impetuous haste which +I before felt necessary to exercise in reaching Paris immediately, was +not tempered by prudent thoughts about travelling at night, and +reflections about sun-stroke by day; and even moments most devoted to the +object of my heart's aspirations were fettered by the very philosophic +idea, that it could never detract from the pleasure of the happiness that +awaited me, if I travelled on the primrose path to its attainment. I +argued thus: if Lady Jane be true--if--if, in a word, I am destined to +have any success in the Callonby family, then will a day or two more not +risk it. My present friends I shall, of course, take leave of at Paris, +where their own acquaintances await them; and, on the other hand, should +I be doomed once more to disappointment, I am equally certain I should +feel no disposition to form a new attachment. Thus did I reason, and +thus I believed; and though I was a kind of consultation opinion among my +friends in "suits of love," I was really then unaware that at no time is +a man so prone to fall in love as immediately after his being jilted. If +common sense will teach us not to dance a bolero upon a sprained ancle, +so might it also convey the equally important lesson, not to expose our +more vital and inflammatory organ to the fire the day after its being +singed. + +Reflections like these did not occur to me at this moment; besides that I +was "going the pace" with a forty-horse power of agreeability that left +me little time for thought--least of all, if serious. So stood matters. +I had just filled our tall slender glasses with the creaming and +"petillan" source of wit and inspiration, when the loud crack, crack, +crack of a postillion's whip, accompanied by the shaking trot of a heavy +team, and the roll of wheels, announced a new arrival. "Here they come," +said I, "only look at them--four horses and one postillion, all +apparently straggling and straying after their own fancy, but yet going +surprisingly straight notwithstanding. See how they come through that +narrow archway--it might puzzle the best four-in-hand in England to do it +better." + +"What a handsome young man, if he had not those odious moustaches. Why, +Mr. Lorrequer, he knows you: see, he is bowing to you." + +"Me! Oh! no. Why, surely, it must be--the devil--it is Kilkee, Lady +Jane's brother. I know his temper well. One five minutes' observation +of my present intimacy with my fair friends, and adieu to all hopes for +me of calling Lord Callonby my father-in-law. There is not therefore, a +moment to lose." + +As these thoughts revolved through my mind, the confusion I felt had +covered my face with scarlet; and, with a species of blundering apology +for abruptly leaving them for a moment, I ran down stairs only in time +sufficient to anticipate Kilkee's questions as to the number of my +apartments, to which he was desirous of proceeding at once. Our first +greetings over, Kilkee questioned me as to my route--adding, that his now +was necessarily an undecided one, for if his family happened not to be at +Paris, he should be obliged to seek after them among the German +watering-places. "In any case, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, "we shall hunt +them in couples. I must insist upon your coming along with me." + +"Oh! that," said I, "you must not think of. Your carriage is a coupe, +and I cannot think of crowding you." + +"Why, you don't seriously want to affront me, I hope, for I flatter +myself that a more perfect carriage for two people cannot be built. +Hobson made it on a plan of my own, and I am excessively proud of it, +I assure you. Come, that matter is decided--now for supper. Are there +many English here just now?--By-the-by, those new 'natives' I think I saw +you standing with on the balcony--who are they?" + +"Oh! the ladies--oh! Yes, people I came over with--" + +"One was pretty, I fancied. Have you supped? Just order something, will +you--meanwhile, I shall write a few lines before the post leaves." +--Saying which, he dashed up stairs after the waiter, and left me to my +meditations. + +"This begins to be pleasant," thought I, as the door closed, leaving me +alone in the "salon." In circumstances of such moment, I had never felt +so nonplussed as now, how to decline Kilkee's invitation, without +discovering my intimacy with the Binghams--and yet I could not, by any +possibility, desert them thus abruptly. Such was the dilemma. "I see +but one thing for it," said I, gloomily, as I strode through the +coffee-room, with my head sunk and my hands behind my back--"I see but +one thing left--I must be taken ill to-night, and not be able to leave +my bed in the morning--a fever--a contagious fever--blue and red spots +all over me--and be raving wildly before breakfast time; and if ever +any discovery takes place of my intimacy above stairs, I must only +establish it as a premonitory symptom of insanity, which seized me in +the packet. And now for a doctor that will understand my case, and +listen to reason, as they would call it in Ireland." With this idea +uppermost, I walked out into the court-yard to look for a commissionaire +to guide me in my search. Around on every side of me stood the various +carriages and voitures of the hotel and its inmates, to the full as +distinctive and peculiar in character as their owners. "Ah! there is +Kilkee's," said I, as my eye lighted upon the well-balanced and elegant +little carriage which he had been only with justice encomiumizing. "It +is certainly perfect, and yet I'd give a handful of louis-d'ors it was +like that venerable cabriolet yonder, with the one wheel and no shafts. +But, alas! these springs give little hope of a break down, and that +confounded axle will outlive the patentee. But still, can nothing be +done?--eh? Come, the thought is a good one--I say, garcon, who greases +the wheels of the carriage here?" + +"C'est moi, monsieur," said a great oaf, in wooden shoes and a blouse. + +"Well, then, do you understand these?" said I, touching the patent +axle-boxes with my cane. + +He shook his head. + +"Then who does, here?" + +"Ah! Michael understands them perfectly." + +"Then bring him here," said I. + +In a few minutes, a little shrewd old fellow, with a smith's apron, made +his appearance, and introduced himself as M. Michael. I had not much +difficulty in making him master of my plan, which was, to detach one of +the wheels as if for the purpose of oiling the axle, and afterwards +render it incapable of being replaced--at least for twenty-four hours. + +"This is my idea," said I; "nevertheless, do not be influenced by me. +All I ask is, disable the carriage from proceeding to-morrow, and here +are three louis-d'ors at your service." + +"Soyez bien tranquille, monsieur, mi lor' shall spend to-morrow in +Calais, if I know any thing of my art"--saying which he set out in search +of his tools, while I returned to the salon with my mind relieved, and +fully prepared to press the urgency of my reaching Paris without any +delay. + +"Well, Mr. Lorrequer," said Kilkee, as I entered, "here is supper +waiting, and I am as hungry as a wolf." + +"Oh! I beg pardon--I've been getting every thing in readiness for our +start to-morrow morning, for I have not told you how anxious I am to get +to Paris before the 8th--some family business, which requires my looking +after, compelling me to do so." + +"As to that, let your mind be at rest, for I shall travel to-morrow night +if you prefer it. Now for the Volnay. Why you are not drinking your +wine. What do you say to our paying our respects to the fair ladies +above stairs? I am sure the petits soins you have practised coming over +would permit the liberty." + +"Oh! hang it, no. There's neither of them pretty, and I should rather +avoid the risk of making a regular acquaintance with them" said I. + +"As you like, then--only, as you'll not take any wine, let us have a +stroll through the town." + +After a short stroll through the town, in which Kilkee talked the entire +time, but of what I know not, my thoughts being upon my own immediate +concerns, we returned to the hotel. As we entered the porte-couchere, my +friend Michael passed me, and as he took off his hat in salutation, gave +me one rapid glance of his knowing eye that completely satisfied me that +Hobson's pride in my friend's carriage had by that time received quite +sufficient provocation to throw him into an apoplexy. + +"By-the-by," said I, "let us see your carriage. I am curious to look at +it"--(and so I was.) + +"Well, then come along, this way; they have placed it under some of these +sheds, which they think coach-houses." + +I followed my friend through the court till we arrived near the fatal +spot; but before reaching, he had caught a glimpse of the mischief, and +shouted out a most awful imprecation upon the author of the deed which +met his eye. The fore-wheel of the coupe had been taken from the axle, +and in the difficulty of so doing, from the excellence of the +workmanship, two of the spokes were broken--the patent box was a mass of +rent metal, and the end of the axle turned downwards like a hoe. + +I cannot convey any idea of poor Kilkee's distraction; and, in reality, +my own was little short of it; for the wretch had so far out-stripped my +orders, that I became horrified at the cruel destruction before me. We +both, therefore, stormed in the most imposing English and French, first +separately and then together. We offered a reward for the apprehension +of the culprit, whom no one appeared to know, although, as it happened, +every one in a large household was aware of the transaction but the +proprietor himself. We abused all--innkeeper, waiters, ostlers, and +chambermaids, collectively and individually--condemned Calais as a den of +iniquity, and branded all Frenchmen as rogues and vagabonds. This seemed +to alleviate considerably my friend's grief, and excite my thirst +--fortunately, perhaps for us; for if our eloquence had held out much +longer, I am afraid our auditory might have lost their patience; and, +indeed, I am quite certain if our French had not been in nearly as +disjointed a condition as the spokes of the caleche, such must have been +the case. + +"Well, Mr. Lorrequer, I suppose, then, we are not destined to be +fellow-travellers--for if you must go to-morrow--" + +"Alas! It is imperative," said I. + +"Then in any case, let us arrange where we shall meet, for I hope to be +in Paris the day after you." + +"I'll stop at Meurice." + +"Meurice, be it," said he, "so now good night, till we meet in Paris." + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Vol. 4 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + + +Volume 4. (Chapter XXIV-XXVIII) + + +Contents: + +CHAPTER XXIV +The Gen d'Arme + +CHAPTER XXV +The Inn at Chantraine + +CHAPTER XXVI +Mr O'Leary + +CHAPTER XXVII +Paris + +CHAPTER XXVIII +Paris + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +THE GEN D'ARME. + +I had fortunately sufficient influence upon my fair friends to persuade +them to leave Calais early on the morning following; and two hours before +Kilkee had opened his eyes upon this mortal life, we were far upon the +road to Paris. + +Having thus far perfectly succeeded in my plot, my spirit rose rapidly, +and I made every exertion to make the road appear short to my +fellow-travellers. This part of France is unfortunately deficient in any +interest from scenery; large undivided tracts of waving cornfields, with +a back-ground of apparently interminable forests, and occasionally, but +rarely, the glimpse of some old time-worn chateau, with its pointed gable +and terraced walk, are nearly all that the eye can detect in the +intervals between the small towns and villages. Nothing, however, is +"flat or unprofitable" to those who desire to make it otherwise; good +health, good spirits, and fine weather, are wonderful travelling +companions, and render one tolerably independent of the charms of +scenery. Every mile that separated me from Calais, and took away the +chance of being overtaken, added to my gaiety, and I flatter myself that +a happier party have rarely travelled that well frequented road. + +We reached Abbeville to dinner, and adjourned to the beautiful little +garden of the inn for our coffee; the evening was so delightful that I +proposed to walk on the Paris road, until the coming up of the carriage, +which required a screw, or a washer, or some such trifle as always occurs +in French posting. To this la chere mamma objected, she being tired, but +added, that Isabella and I might go on, and that she would take us up in +half an hour. This was an arrangement so very agreeable and unlooked for +by me, that I pressed Miss Bingham as far as I well could, and at last +succeeded in overcoming her scruples, and permitting me to shawl her. +One has always a tremendous power of argument with the uninitiated +abroad, by a reference to a standard of manners and habits totally +different from our own. Thus the talismanic words--"Oh! don't be +shocked; remember you are in France," did more to satisfy my young +friend's mind than all I could have said for an hour. Little did she +know that in England only, has an unmarried young lady any liberty, and +that the standard of foreign propriety on this head is far, very far more +rigid than our own. + +"La premiere Rue a gauche," said an old man of whom I inquired the road; +"et puis," added I. + +"And then quite straight; it is a chaussee all the way, and you cannot +mistake it." + +"Now for it, mademoiselle," said I. "Let us try if we cannot see a good +deal of the country before the carriage comes up." + +We had soon left the town behind and reached a beautifully shaded high +road, with blossoming fruit trees, and honeysuckle-covered cottages; +there had been several light showers during the day, and the air had all +the fresh fragrant feeling of an autumn evening, so tranquillizing and +calming that few there are who have not felt at some time or other of +their lives, its influence upon their minds. I fancied my fair companion +did so, for, as she walked beside me, her silence, and the gentle +pressure of her arm, were far more eloquent than words. + +If that extraordinary flutter and flurry of sensations which will now and +then seize you, when walking upon a lonely country road with a pretty +girl for your companion, whose arm is linked in yours, and whose +thoughts, as far you can guess at least, are travelling the same path +with your own--if this be animal magnetism, or one of its phenomena, then +do I swear by Mesmer, whatever it be, delusion or otherwise, it has given +me the brightest moments of my life--these are the real "winged dreams" +of pleasures which outlive others of more absorbing and actual interest +at the time. After all, for how many of our happiest feelings are we +indebted to the weakness of our nature. The man that is wise at +nineteen, "Je l'en fais mon compliment," but I assuredly do not envy him; +and now, even now, when I number more years than I should like to +"confess," rather than suffer the suspicious watchfulness of age to creep +on me, I prefer to "go on believing," even though every hour of the day +should show me, duped and deceived. While I plead guilty to this +impeachment, let me show mitigation, that it has its enjoyments--first, +although I am the most constant and devoted man breathing, as a very +cursory glance at these confessions may prove, yet I have never been able +to restrain myself from a propensity to make love, merely as a pastime. +The gambler that sits down to play cards, or hazard against himself, may +perhaps be the only person that can comprehend this tendency of mine. We +both of us are playing for nothing (or love, which I suppose is +synonymous;) we neither of us put forth our strength; for that very +reason, and in fact like the waiter at Vauxhall who was complimented upon +the dexterity with which he poured out the lemonade, and confessed that +he spent his mornings "practising with vater," we pass a considerable +portion of our lives in a mimic warfare, which, if it seem unprofitable, +is, nevertheless, pleasant. + +After all this long tirade, need I say how our walk proceeded? We had +fallen into a kind of discussion upon the singular intimacy which had so +rapidly grown up amongst us, and which years long might have failed to +engender. Our attempts to analyse the reasons for, and the nature of the +friendship thus so suddenly established--a rather dangerous and difficult +topic, when the parties are both young--one eminently handsome, and the +other disposed to be most agreeable. Oh, my dear young friends of either +sex, whatever your feelings be for one another, keep them to yourselves; +I know of nothing half so hazardous as that "comparing of notes" which +sometimes happens. Analysis is a beautiful thing in mathematics or +chemistry, but it makes sad havoc when applied to the "functions of the +heart." + +"Mamma appears to have forgotten us," said Isabella, as she spoke, after +walking for some time in silence beside me. + +"Oh, depend upon it, the carriage has taken all this time to repair; but +are you tired?" + +"Oh, by no means; the evening is delightful, but--" + +"Then perhaps you are ennuyee," said I, half pettishly, to provoke a +disclaimer if possible. To this insidiously put quere I received, as I +deserved, no answer, and again we sauntered on without speaking. + +"To whom does that chateau belong, my old friend?" said I addressing a +man on the road-side. + +"A Monsieur le Marquis, sir," replied he. + +"But what's his name, though?" + +"Ah, that I can't tell you," replied the man again. + +There you may perceive how, even yet, in provincial France, the old +respect for the aristocracy still survives; it is sufficient that the +possessor of that fine place is "Monsieur le Marquis;" but any other +knowledge of who he is, and what, is superfluous. "How far are we from +the next village, do you know?" + +"About a league." + +"Indeed. Why I thought 'La Scarpe' was quite near us." + +"Ah, you are thinking of the Amiens road." + +"Yes, of course; and is not this the Amiens road?" + +"Oh, no; the Amiens road lies beyond those low hills to the right. You +passed the turn at the first 'barriere'." + +"Is it possible we could have come wrong?" + +"Oh, Mr. Lorrequer, don't say so, I entreat of you." + +"And what road is this, then, my friend?" + +"This is the road to Albert and Peronne." + +"Unfortunately, I believe he is quite right. Is there any crossroad from +the village before us now, to the Amiens road?" + +"Yes; you can reach it about three leagues hence." + +"And we can get a carriage at the inn probably?" + +"Ah, that I am not sure of--. Perhaps at the Lion d'or you may." + +"But why not go back to Abbeville?" + +"Oh, Mrs. Bingham must have left long since, and beside you forget the +distance; we have been walking two hours." + +"Now for the village," said I, as I drew my friend's arm closer within +mine, and we set out in a fast walk. + +Isabella seemed terribly frightened at the whole affair; what her mamma +might think, and what might be her fears at not finding us on the road, +and a hundred other encouraging reflections of this nature she poured +forth unceasingly. As for myself, I did not know well what to think of +it; my old fondness for adventure being ever sufficiently strong in me to +give a relish to any thing which bore the least resemblance to one. This +I now concealed, and sympathised with my fair friend upon our mishap, and +assuring her, at the same time, that there could be no doubt of our +overtaking Mrs. Bingham before her arrival at Amiens. + +"Ah, there is the village in the valley; how beautifully situated." + +"Oh, I can't admire any thing now, Mr. Lorrequer, I am so frightened." + +"But surely without cause," said I, looking tenderly beneath her bonnet. + +"Is this," she answered, "nothing," and we walked on in silence again. + +On reaching the Lion d'or we discovered that the only conveyance to be +had was a species of open market-cart drawn by two horses, and in which +it was necessary that my fair friend and myself should seat ourselves +side by side upon straw: there was no choice, and as for Miss Bingham, +I believe if an ass with panniers had presented itself, she would have +preferred it to remaining where she was. We therefore took our places, +and she could not refrain from laughing as we set out upon our journey in +this absurd equipage, every jolt of which threw us from side to side, and +rendered every attention on my part requisite to prevent her being upset. + +After about two hours' travelling we arrived at the Amiens road, and +stopped at the barriere. I immediately inquired if a carriage had +passed, resembling Mrs. Bingham's, and learned that it had, about an hour +before, and that the lady in it had been informed that two persons, like +those she asked after, had been seen in a caleche driving rapidly to +Amiens, upon which she set out as fast as possible in pursuit. + +"Certainly," said I, "the plot is thickening; but for that unlucky +mistake she might in all probability have waited here for us. Amiens is +only two leagues now, so our drive will not be long, and before six +o'clock we shall all be laughing over the matter as a very good joke." + +On we rattled, and as the road became less frequented, and the shadows +lengthened, I could not but wonder at the strange situations which the +adventurous character of my life had so often involved me in. Meanwhile, +my fair friend's spirits became more and more depressed, and it was not +without the greatest difficulty I was enabled to support her courage. I +assured her, and not altogether without reason, that though so often in +my eventful career accidents were occurring which rendered it dubious and +difficult to reach the goal I aimed at, yet the results had so often been +more pleasant than I could have anticipated, that I always felt a kind of +involuntary satisfaction at some apparent obstacle to my path, setting it +down as some especial means of fortune, to heighten the pleasure awaiting +me; "and now," added I, "even here, perhaps, in this very mistake of our +road--the sentiments I have heard--the feelings I have given utterance +to--" What I was about to say, heaven knows--perhaps nothing less than a +downright proposal was coming; but at that critical moment a gen-d'arme +rode up to the side of our waggon, and surveyed us with the peculiarly +significant scowl his order is gifted with. After trotting alongside for +a few seconds he ordered the driver to halt, and, turning abruptly to us, +demanded our passports. Now our passports were, at that precise moment, +peaceably reposing in the side pocket of Mrs. Bingham's carriage; I +therefore explained to the gen-d'arme how we were circumstanced, and +added, that on arriving at Amiens the passport should be produced. To +this he replied that all might be perfectly true, but he did not believe +a word of it--that he had received an order for the apprehension of two +English persons travelling that road--and that he should accordingly +request our company back to Chantraine, the commissionaire of which place +was his officer. + +"But why not take us to Amiens," said I; "particularly when I tell you +that we can then show our passports?" + +"I belong to the Chantraine district," was the laconic answer; and like +the gentleman who could not weep at the sermon because he belonged to +another parish, this specimen of a French Dogberry would not hear reason +except in his own "commune." + +No arguments which I could think of had any effect upon him, and amid a +volley of entreaty and imprecation, both equally vain, we saw ourselves +turn back upon the road to Amiens, and set out at a round trot to +Chantraine, on the road to Calais. + +Poor Isabella, I really pitied her; hitherto her courage had been +principally sustained by the prospect of soon reaching Amiens; now there +was no seeing where our adventure was to end. Besides that, actual +fatigue from the wretched conveyance began to distress her, and she was +scarcely able to support herself, though assisted by my arm. What a +perilous position mine, whispering consolation and comfort to a pretty +girl on a lonely road, the only person near being one who comprehended +nothing of the language we spoke in. Ah, how little do we know of fate, +and how often do we despise circumstances that determine all our fortunes +in the world. To think that a gen-d'arme should have any thing to do +with my future lot in life, and that the real want of a passport to +travel should involve the probable want of a licence to marry. Yes, it +is quite in keeping, thought I, with every step I have taken through +life. I may be brought before the "maire" as a culprit, and leave him as +a Benedict. + +On reaching the town, we were not permitted to drive to the inn, but at +once conveyed to the house of the "commissaire," who was also the "maire" +of the district. The worthy functionary was long since in bed, and it +was only after ringing violently for half an hour that a head, surmounted +with a dirty cotton night-cap, peeped from an upper window, and seemed to +survey the assemblage beneath with patient attention. By this time a +considerable crowd had collected from the neighbouring ale-houses and +cabarets, who deemed it a most fitting occasion to honour us with the +most infernal yells and shouts, as indicating their love of justice, and +delight in detecting knavery; and that we were both involved in such +suspicion, we had not long to learn. Meanwhile the poor old maire, who +had been an employe in the stormy days of the revolution, and also under +Napoleon, and who full concurred with Swift that "a crowd is a mob, if +composed even of bishops," firmly believed that the uproar beneath in the +street was the announcement of a new change of affairs at Paris, +determined to be early in the field, and shouted therefore with all his +lungs--"vive le peuple"--"Vive la charte"--"A bas les autres." A +tremendous shout of laughter saluted this exhibition of unexpected +republicanism, and the poor maire retired from the window, having learned +his mistake, covered with shame and confusion. + +Before the mirth caused by this blunder had subsided, the door had +opened, and we were ushered into the bureau of the commissaire, +accompanied by the anxious crowd, all curious to know the particulars of +our crime. + +The maire soon appeared, his night-cap being replaced by a small black +velvet skull-cap, and his lanky figure enveloped in a tarnished silk +dressing-gown; he permitted us to be seated, while the gen-d'arme +recounted the suspicious circumstances of our travelling, and produced +the order to arrest an Englishman and his wife who had arrived in one of +the late Boulogne packets, and who had carried off from some +banking-house money and bills for a large amount. + +"I have no doubt these are the people," said the gen-d'arme; "and here is +the 'carte descriptive.' Let us compare it--'Forty-two or forty-three +years of age.'" + +"I trust, M. le Maire," said I, overhearing this, "that ladies do not +recognize me as so much." + +"Of a pale and cadaverous aspect," continued the gen-d'arme. + +Upon this the old functionary, wiping his spectacles with a snuffy +handkerchief, as if preparing them to examine an eclipse of the sun, +regarded me fixedly for several minutes, and said--"Oh, yes, I perceive +it plainly; continue the description." + +"Five feet three inches," said the gen-d'arme. + +"Six feet one in England, whatever this climate may have done since." + +"Speaks broken and bad French." + +"Like a native," said I; "at least so said my friends in the chaussee +D'Antin, in the year fifteen." + +Here the catalogue ended, and a short conference between the maire and +the gen-d'arme ensued, which ended in our being committed for examination +on the morrow; meanwhile we were to remain at the inn, under the +surveillance of the gen-d'arme. + +On reaching the inn my poor friend was so completely exhausted that she +at once retired to her room, and I proceeded to fulfil a promise I had +made her to despatch a note to Mrs. Bingham at Amiens by a special +messenger, acquainting her with all our mishaps, and requesting her to +come or send to our assistance. This done, and a good supper smoking +before me, of which with difficulty I persuaded Isabella to partake in +her own room, I again regained my equanimity, and felt once more at ease. + +The gen-d'arme in whose guardianship I had been left was a fine specimen +of his caste; a large and powerfully built man of about fifty, with an +enormous beard of grizzly brown and grey hair, meeting above and beneath +his nether lip; his eyebrows were heavy and beetling, and nearly +concealed his sharp grey eyes, while a deep sabre-wound had left upon his +cheek a long white scar, giving a most warlike and ferocious look to his +features. + +As he sat apart from me for some time, silent and motionless, I could not +help imagining in how many a hard-fought day he had borne a part, for he +evidently, from his age and bearing, had been one of the soldiers of the +empire. I invited him to partake of my bottle of Medoc, by which he +seemed flattered. When the flask became low, and was replaced by +another, he appeared to have lost much of his constrained air, and +seemed forgetting rapidly the suspicious circumstances which he supposed +attached to me--waxed wondrous confidential and communicative, and +condescended to impart some traits of a life which was not without its +vicissitudes, for he had been, as I suspected, one of the "Guarde"--the +old guarde--was wounded at Marengo, and received the croix d'honneur in +the field of Wagram, from the hands of the Emperor himself. The headlong +enthusiasm of attachment to Napoleon, which his brief and stormy career +elicited even from those who suffered long and deeply in his behalf, is +not one of the least singular circumstances which this portion of history +displays. While the rigours of the conscription had invaded every family +in France, from Normandie to La Vendee--while the untilled fields, the +ruined granaries, the half-deserted villages, all attested the +depopulation of the land, those talismanic words, "l'Empereur et la +gloire," by some magic mechanism seemed all-sufficient not only to +repress regret and suffering, but even stimulate pride, and nourish +valour; and even yet, when it might be supposed that like the brilliant +glass of a magic lantern, the gaudy pageant had passed away, leaving only +the darkness and desolation behind it--the memory of those days under the +empire survives untarnished and unimpaired, and every sacrifice of +friends or fortune is accounted but little in the balance when the honour +of La Belle France, and the triumphs of the grand "armee," are weighted +against them. The infatuated and enthusiastic followers of this great +man would seem, in some respects, to resemble the drunkard in the +"Vaudeville," who alleged as his excuse for drinking, that whenever he +was sober his poverty disgusted him. "My cabin," said he, "is a cell, my +wife a mass of old rags, my child a wretched object of misery and malady. +But give me brandy; let me only have that, and then my hut is a palace, +my wife is a princess, and my child the very picture of health and +happiness;" so with these people--intoxicated with the triumphs of their +nation, "tete monte" with victory--they cannot exist in the horror of +sobriety which peace necessarily enforces; and whenever the subject turns +in conversation upon the distresses of the time or the evil prospects of +the country, they call out, not like the drunkard, for brandy, but in the +same spirit they say--"Ah, if you would again see France flourishing and +happy, let us once more have our croix d'honneur, our epaulettes, our +voluntary contributions, our Murillos, our Velasquez, our spoils from +Venice, and our increased territories to rule over." This is the +language of the Buonapartiste every where, and at all seasons; and the +mass of the nation is wonderfully disposed to participate in the +sentiment. The empire was the Aeneid of the nation, and Napoleon the +only hero they now believe in. You may satisfy yourself of this easily. +Every cafe will give evidence of it, every society bears its testimony to +it, and even the most wretched Vaudeville, however, trivial the interest +--however meagre the story, and poor the diction, let the emperor but +have his "role"--let him be as laconic as possible, carry his hands +behind his back, wear the well-known low cocked-hat, and the "redingote +gris"--the success is certain--every sentence he utters is applauded, and +not a single allusion to the Pyramids, the sun of Austerlitz, l'honneur, +et al vieille garde, but is sure to bring down thunders of acclamation. +But I am forgetting myself, and perhaps my reader too; the conversation +of the old gen-d'arme accidentally led me into reflections like these, +and he was well calculated, in many ways, to call them forth. His +devoted attachment--his personal love of the emperor--of which he gave me +some touching instances, was admirably illustrated by an incident, which +I am inclined to tell, and hope it may amuse the reader as much as it did +myself on hearing it. + +When Napoleon had taken possession of the papal dominions, as he +virtually did, and carried off the pope, Pius VI, to Paris, this old +soldier, then a musketeer in the garde, formed part of the company that +mounted guard over the holy father. During the earlier months of the +holy father's confinement he was at liberty to leave his apartments at +any hour he pleased, and cross the court-yard of the palace to the chapel +where he performed mass. At such moments the portion of the Imperial +Guard then on duty stood under arms, and received from the august hand of +the pope his benediction as he passed. But one morning a hasty express +arrived from the Tuilleries, and the officer on duty communicated his +instructions to his party, that the apostolic vicar was not to be +permitted to pass, as heretofore, to the chapel, and that a most rigid +superintendence was to be exercised over his movements. My poor +companion had his turn for duty on that ill-starred day; he had not been +long at his post when the sound of footsteps was heard approaching, and +he soon saw the procession which always attended the holy father to his +devotions, advancing towards him; he immediately placed himself across +the passage, and with his musket in rest barred the exit, declaring, at +the same time, that such were his orders. In vain the priests who formed +the cortege addressed themselves to his heart, and spoke to his feelings, +and at last finding little success by these methods, explained to him the +mortal sin and crime for which eternal damnation itself might not be a +too heavy retribution if he persisted in preventing his holiness to pass, +and thus be the means of opposing an obstacle to the head of the whole +Catholic church, for celebrating the mass; the soldier remained firm and +unmoved, the only answer he returned being, "that he had his orders, and +dared not disobey them." The pope, however, persisted in his resolution, +and endeavoured to get by, when the hardy veteran retreated a step, and +placing his musket and bayonet at the charge, called out "au nom de +l'Empereur," when the pious party at last yielded and slowly retired +within the palace. + +Not many days after, this severe restriction was recalled, and once more +the father was permitted to go to and from the chapel of the palace, at +such times as he pleased, and again, as before, in passing the corridor, +the guards presented arms and received the holy benediction, all except +one; upon him the head of the church frowned severely, and turned his +back, while extending his pious hands towards the others. "And yet," +said the poor fellow in concluding his story, "and yet I could not have +done otherwise; I had my orders and must have followed them, and had the +emperor commanded it, I should have run my bayonet through the body of +the holy father himself. + +"Thus, you see, my dear sir, how I have loved the emperor, for I have +many a day stood under fire for him in this world, 'et il faut que +j'aille encore au feu pour lui apres ma mort.'." + +He received in good part the consolations I offered him on this head, but +I plainly saw they did not, could not relieve his mind from the horrible +conviction he lay under, that his soul's safety for ever had been +bartered for his attachment to the emperor. + +This story had brought us to the end of the third bottle of Medoc; and, +as I was neither the pope, nor had any very decided intentions of saying +mass, he offered no obstacle to my retiring for the night, and betaking +myself to my bed. + + + + +CHAPTER XXV. + +THE INN AT CHANTRAINE. + +When contrasted with the comforts of an English bed-room in a good hotel, +how miserably short does the appearance of a French one fall in the +estimation of the tired traveller. In exchange for the carpeted floor, +the well-curtained windows, the richly tapestried bed, the well cushioned +arm-chair, and the innumerable other luxuries which await him; he has +nought but a narrow, uncurtained bed, a bare floor, occasionally a +flagged one, three hard cane-bottomed chairs, and a looking-glass which +may convey an idea of how you would look under the combined influence of +the cholera, and a stroke of apoplexy, one half of your face being twice +the length of the other, and the entire of it of a bluish-green +tint--pretty enough in one of Turner's landscapes, but not at all +becoming when applied to the "human face divine." Let no late arrival +from the continent contradict me here by his late experiences, which a +stray twenty pounds and the railroads--(confound them for the same) +--have enabled him to acquire. I speak of matters before it occurred to +all Charing-Cross and Cheapside to "take the water" between Dover and +Calais, and inundate the world with the wit of the Cider Cellar, and the +Hole in the Wall. No! In the days I write of, the travelled were of +another genus, and you might dine at Very's or have your loge at "Les +Italiens," without being dunned by your tailor at the one, or confronted +with your washer-woman at the other. Perhaps I have written all this in +the spite and malice of a man who feels that his louis-d'or only goes +half as far now as heretofore; and attributes all his diminished +enjoyments and restricted luxuries to the unceasing current of his +countrymen, whom fate, and the law of imprisonment for debt, impel +hither. Whether I am so far guilty or not, is not now the question; +suffice it to say, that Harry Lorrequer, for reasons best known to +himself, lives abroad, where he will be most happy to see any of his old +and former friends who take his quarters en route; and in the words of a +bellicose brother of the pen, but in a far different spirit, he would +add, "that any person who feels himself here alluded to, may learn the +author's address at his publishers." "Now let us go back to our +muttons," as Barney Coyle used to say in the Dublin Library formerly +--for Barney was fond of French allusions, which occasionally too he +gave in their own tongue, as once describing an interview with Lord +Cloncurry, in which he broke off suddenly the conference, adding, "I +told him I never could consent to such a proposition, and putting my +chateau (chapeau) on my head, I left the house at once." + +It was nearly three o'clock in the morning, as accompanied by the +waiter, who, like others of his tribe, had become a kind of somnambulist +ex-officio, I wended my way up one flight of stairs, and down another, +along a narrow corridor, down two steps, through an antechamber, and +into another corridor, to No. 82, my habitation for the night. Why I +should have been so far conducted from the habitable portion of the +house I had spent my evening in, I leave the learned in such matters to +explain; as for me, I have ever remarked it, while asking for a chamber +in a large roomy hotel, the singular pride with which you are ushered up +grand stair-cases, down passages, through corridors, and up narrow back +flights, till the blue sky is seen through the sky-light, to No. 199, +"the only spare bed-room in the house," while the silence and desolation +of the whole establishment would seem to imply far otherwise--the only +evidence of occupation being a pair of dirty Wellingtons at the door of +No. 2. + +"Well, we have arrived at last," said I, drawing a deep sigh, as I threw +myself upon a ricketty chair, and surveyed rapidly my meagre-looking +apartment. + +"Yes, this is Monsieur's chamber," said the waiter, with a very peculiar +look, half servile, half droll. "Madame se couche, No. 28." + +"Very well, good night," said I, closing the door hastily, and not liking +the farther scrutiny of the fellow's eye, as he fastened it on me, as if +to search what precise degree of relationship existed between myself and +my fair friend, whom he had called "Madame" purposely to elicit an +observation from me. "Ten to one though," said I, as I undressed myself, +"but they think she is my wife--how good--but again--ay, it is very +possible, considering we are in France. Numero vingt-huit, quite far +enough from this part of the house I should suppose from my number,--that +old gen-d'arme was a fine fellow--what strong attachment to Napoleon; and +the story of the pope; I hope I may remember that. Isabella, poor girl +--this adventure must really distress her--hope she is not crying over it +--what a devil of a hard bed--and it is not five feet long too--and, +bless my soul, is this all by way of covering; why I shall be perished +here. Oh! I must certainly put all my clothes over me in addition, +unfortunately there is no hearth-rug--well, there is no help for it now +--so let me try to sleep--numero vingt-huit." + +How long I remained in a kind of uneasy, fitful slumber, I cannot tell; +but I awoke shivering with cold--puzzled to tell where I was, and my +brain addled with the broken fragments of half a dozen dreams, all +mingling and mixing themselves with the unpleasant realities of my +situation. What an infernal contrivance for a bed, thought I, as my head +came thump against the top, while my legs projected far beyond the +foot-rail; the miserable portion of clothing over me at the same time +being only sufficient to temper the night air, which in autumn is +occasionally severe and cutting. This will never do. I must ring the +bell and rouse the house, if only to get a fire, if they don't possess +such a thing as blankets. I immediately rose, and groping my way along +the wall endeavoured to discover the bell, but in vain; and for the same +satisfactory reason that Von Troil did not devote one chapter of his +work on "Iceland" to "snakes," because there were none such there. What +was now to be done? About the geography of my present abode I knew, +perhaps, as much as the public at large know about the Coppermine river +and Behring's straits. The world, it was true, was before me, "where +top choose," admirable things for an epic, but decidedly an unfortunate +circumstance for a very cold gentleman in search of a blanket. Thus +thinking, I opened the door of my chamber, and not in any way resolved +how I should proceed, I stepped forth into the long corridor, which was +dark as midnight itself. + +Tracing my path along the wall, I soon reached a door which I in vain +attempted to open; in another moment I found another and another, each of +which were locked. Thus along the entire corridor I felt my way, making +every effort to discover where any of the people of the house might have +concealed themselves, but without success. What was to be done now? It +was of no use to go back to my late abode, and find it comfortless as I +left it; so I resolved to proceed in my search; by this time I had +arrived at the top of a small flight of stairs, which I remembered having +come up, and which led to another long passage similar to the one I had +explored, but running in a transverse direction, down this I now crept, +and reached the landing, along the wall of which I was guided by my hand, +as well for safety as to discover the architrave of some friendly door, +where the inhabitant might be sufficiently Samaritan to lend some portion +of his bed-clothes; door after door followed in succession along this +confounded passage, which I began to think as long as the gallery of the +lower one; at last, however, just as my heart was sinking within me from +disappointment, the handle of a lock turned, and I found myself inside a +chamber. How was I now to proceed? for if this apartment did not contain +any of the people of the hotel, I had but a sorry excuse for disturbing +the repose of any traveller who might have been more fortunate than +myself in the article of blankets. To go back however, would be absurd, +having already taken so much trouble to find out a room that was +inhabited--for that such was the case, a short, thick snore assured me +--so that my resolve was at once made, to waken the sleeper, and +endeavour to interest him in my destitute situation. I accordingly +approached the place where the nasal sounds seemed to issue from, and +soon reached the post of a bed. I waited for an instant, and then +began, + +"Monsier, voulez vous bien me permettre--" + +"As to short whist, I never could make it out, so there is an end of it," +said my unknown friend, in a low, husky voice, which, strangely enough, +was not totally unfamiliar to me: but when or how I had heard it before I +could not then think. + +Well, thought I, he is an Englishman at all events, so I hope his +patriotism may forgive my intrusion, so here goes once more to rouse him, +though he seems a confoundedly heavy sleeper. "I beg your pardon, sir, +but unfortunately in a point like the present, perhaps--" + +"Well, do you mark the points, and I'll score the rubber," said he. + +"The devil take the gambling fellow's dreaming," thought I, raising my +voice at the same time. + +"Perhaps a cold night, sir, may suffice as my apology." + +"Cold, oh, ay! put a hot poker to it," muttered he; "a hot poker, a +little sugar, and a spice of nutmeg--nothing else--then it's delicious." + +"Upon my soul, this is too bad," said I to myself. "Let us see what +shaking will do. Sir, sir, I shall feel obliged by--" + +"Well there, don't shake me, and I'll tell you where I hid the cigars +--they are under my straw hat in the window." + +"Well, really," thought I, "if this gentleman's confessions were of an +interesting nature, this might be good fun; but as the night is cold, I +must shorten the 'seance,' so here goes for one effort more. + +"If, sir, you could kindly spare me even a small portion of your +bed-clothes." + +"No, thank you, no more wine; but I'll sing with pleasure;" and here the +wretch, in something like the voice of a frog with the quinsy, began, +"'I'd mourn the hopes that leave me.'" + +"You shall mourn something else for the same reason," said I, as losing +all patience, I seized quilts and blankets by the corner, and with one +vigourous pull wrenched them from the bed, and darted from the room--in a +second I was in the corridor, trailing my spoil behind--which in my haste +I had not time to collect in a bundle. I flew rather than ran along the +passage, reached the stairs, and in another minute had reached the second +gallery, but not before I heard the slam of a door behind me, and the +same instant the footsteps of a person running along the corridor, who +could be no other than my pursuer, effectually aroused by my last appeal +to his charity. I darted along the dark and narrow passage; but soon to +my horror discovered that I must have passed the door of my chamber, for +I had reached the foot of a narrow back stair, which led to the grenier +and the servants' rooms, beneath the roof. To turn now would only have +led me plump in the face of my injured countryman, of whose thew and +sinew I was perfectly ignorant, and did not much like to venture upon. +There was little time for reflection, for he had now reached the top of +the stair, and was evidently listening for some clue to guide him on; +stealthily and silently, and scarcely drawing breath, I mounted the +narrow stairs step by step, but before I had arrived at the landing, he +heard the rustle of the bed-clothes, and again gave chace. There was +something in the unrelenting ardour of his pursuit, which suggested to my +mind the idea of a most uncompromising foe; and as fear added speed to my +steps, I dashed along beneath the low-roofed passage, wondering what +chance of escape might yet present itself. Just at this instant, the +hand by which I had guided myself along the wall, touched the handle of a +door--I turned it--it opened--I drew in my precious bundle, and closing +the door noiselessly, sat down, breathless and still, upon the floor. + +Scarcely was this, the work of a second, accomplished, when the heavy +tread of my pursuer resounded on the floor. + +"Upon my conscience it's strange if I haven't you now, my friend," said +he: "you're in a cul de sac here, as they say, if I know any thing of the +house; and faith I'll make a salad of you, when I get you, that's all. +Devil a dirtier trick ever I heard tell of." + +Need I say that these words had the true smack of an Irish accent, which +circumstance, from whatever cause, did not by any means tend to assuage +my fears in the event of discovery. + +However, from such a misfortune my good genius now delivered me; for +after traversing the passage to the end, he at last discovered another, +which led by a long flight to the second story, down which he proceeded, +venting at every step his determination for vengeance, and his resolution +not to desist from the pursuit, if it took the entire night for it. + +"Well now," thought I, "as he will scarcely venture up here again, and as +I may, by leaving this, be only incurring the risk of encountering him, +my best plan is to stay where I am if it be possible." With this intent I +proceeded to explore the apartment, which from its perfect stillness, I +concluded to be unoccupied. After some few minutes groping I reached a +low bed, fortunately empty, and although the touch of the bed-clothes led +to no very favourable augury of its neatness or elegance, there was +little choice at this moment, so I rolled myself up in my recent booty, +and resolved to wait patiently for day-break to regain my apartment. + +As always happens in such circumstances, sleep came on me unawares +--so at least every one's experience I am sure can testify, that if you +are forced to awake early to start by some morning coach, and that +unfortunately you have not got to bed till late at night, the chances +are ten to one, that you get no sleep whatever, simply because you are +desirous for it; but make up your mind ever so resolutely, that you'll +not sleep, and whether your determination be built on motives of +propriety, duty, convenience, or health, and the chances are just as +strong that you are sound and snoring before ten minutes. + +How many a man has found it impossible, with every effort of his heart +and brain aiding his good wishes, to sit with unclosed eyes and ears +through a dull sermon in the dog-days; how many an expectant, longing +heir has yielded to the drowsy influence when endeavouring to look +contrite under the severe correction of a lecture on extravagance from +his uncle. Who has not felt the irresistible tendency to "drop off" in +the half hour before dinner at a stupid country-house? I need not +catalogue the thousand other situations in life infinitely more +"sleep-compelling" than Morphine; for myself, my pleasantest and soundest +moments of perfect forgetfulness of this dreary world and all its cares, +have been taken in an oaken bench, seated bolt upright and vis a vis to a +lecturer on botany, whose calming accents, united with the softened light +of an autumnal day, piercing its difficult rays through the narrow and +cobwebbed windows, the odour of the recent plants and flowers aiding and +abetting, all combined to steep the soul in sleep, and you sank by +imperceptible and gradual steps into that state of easy slumber, in which +"come no dreams," and the last sounds of the lecturer's "hypogenous and +perigenous" died away, becoming beautifully less, till your senses sank +into rest, the syllables "rigging us, rigging us," seemed to melt away in +the distance and fade from your memory--Peace be with you, Doctor A. If +I owe gratitude any where I have my debt with you. The very memory I +bear of you has saved me no inconsiderable sum in hop and henbane. +Without any assistance from the sciences on the present occasion, I was +soon asleep, and woke not till the cracking of whips, and trampling of +horses' feet on the pavement of the coach-yard apprised me that the world +had risen to its daily labour, and so should I. From the short survey of +my present chamber which I took on waking, I conjectured it must have +been the den of some of the servants of the house upon occasion--two low +truckle-beds of the meanest description lay along the wall opposite to +mine; one of them appeared to have been slept in during the past night, +but by what species of animal the Fates alone can tell. An old demi-peak +saddle, capped and tipped with brass, some rusty bits, and stray +stirrup-irons lay here and there upon the floor; while upon a species of +clothes-rack, attached to a rafter, hung a tarnished suit of +postillion's livery, cap, jacket, leathers, and jack-boots, all ready +for use; and evidently from their arrangement supposed by the owner to +be a rather creditable "turn out." + +I turned over these singular habiliments with much of the curiosity with +which an antiquary would survey a suit of chain armour; the long +epaulettes of yellow cotton cord, the heavy belt with its brass buckle, +the cumbrous boots, plaited and bound with iron like churns were in +rather a ludicrous contrast to the equipment of our light and jockey-like +boys in nankeen jackets and neat tops, that spin along over our level +"macadam." + +"But," thought I, "it is full time I should get back to No. 82, and make +my appearance below stairs;" though in what part of the building my room +lay, and how I was to reach it without my clothes, I had not the +slightest idea. A blanket is an excessively comfortable article of +wearing apparel when in bed, but as a walking costume is by no means +convenient or appropriate; while to making a sorti en sauvage, however +appropriate during the night, there were many serious objections if done +"en plein jour," and with the whole establishment awake and active; the +noise of mopping, scrubbing, and polishing, which is eternally going +forward in a foreign inn amply testified there was nothing which I could +adopt in my present naked and forlorn condition, save the bizarre and +ridiculous dress of the postillion, and I need not say the thought of so +doing presented nothing agreeable. I looked from the narrow window out +upon the tiled roof, but without any prospect of being heard if I called +ever so loudly. + +The infernal noise of floor-cleansing, assisted by a Norman peasant's +"chanson du pays," the time being well marked by her heavy sabots, gave +even less chance to me within; so that after more than half an hour +passed in weighing difficulties, and canvassing plans, upon donning the +blue and yellow, and setting out for my own room without delay, hoping +sincerely, that with proper precaution, I should be able to reach it +unseen and unobserved. + +As I laid but little stress upon the figure I should make in my new +habiliments, it did not cause me much mortification to find that the +clothes were considerably too small, the jacket scarcely coming beneath +my arms, and the sleeves being so short that my hands and wrists +projected beyond the cuffs like two enormous claws; the leathers were +also limited in their length, and when drawn up to a proper height, +permitted my knees to be seen beneath, like the short costume of a +Spanish Tauridor, but scarcely as graceful; not wishing to encumber +myself in the heavy and noisy masses of wood, iron, and leather, they +call "les bottes forts," I slipped my feet into my slippers, and stole +gently from the room. How I must have looked at the moment I leave my +reader to guess, as with anxious and stealthy pace I crept along the low +gallery that led to the narrow staircase, down which I proceeded, step by +step; but just as I reached the bottom, perceived a little distance from +me, with her back turned towards me, a short, squat peasant on her knees, +belabouring with a brush the well waxed floor; to pass therefore, +unobserved was impossible, so that I did not hesitate to address her, and +endeavour to interest her in my behalf, and enlist her as my guide. + +"Bon jour, ma chere," said I in a soft insinuating tone; she did not hear +me, so I repeated, + +"Bon jour, ma chere, bon jour." + +Upon this she turned round, and looking fixedly at me for a second, +called out in a thick pathos, "Ah, le bon Dieu! qu'il est drole comme ca, +Francois, savez vous, mais ce n'est pas Francois;" saying which, she +sprang from her kneeling position to her feet, and with a speed that her +shape and sabots seemed little to promise, rushed down the stairs as if +she had seen the devil himself. + +"Why, what is the matter with the woman?" said I, "surely if I am not +Francois--which God be thanked is true--yet I cannot look so frightful as +all this would imply." I had not much time given me for consideration +now, for before I had well deciphered the number over a door before me, +the loud noise of several voices on the floor beneath attracted my +attention, and the moment after the heavy tramp of feet followed, and in +an instant the gallery was thronged by the men and women of the house +--waiters, hostlers, cooks, scullions, filles de chambre, mingled with +gens-d'armes, peasants, and town's people, all eagerly forcing their way +up stairs; yet all on arriving at the landing-place, seemed disposed to +keep at a respectful distance, and bundling themselves at one end of the +corridor, while I, feelingly alive to the ridiculous appearance I made, +occupied the other--the gravity with which they seemed at first disposed +to regard me soon gave way, and peal after peal of laughter broke out, +and young and old, men and women, even to the most farouche gens-d'armes, +all appearing incapable of controlling the desire for merriment my most +singular figure inspired; and unfortunately this emotion seemed to +promise no very speedy conclusion; for the jokes and witticisms made upon +my appearance threatened to renew the festivities, ad libitum. + +"Regardez donc ses epaules," said one. + +"Ah, mon Dieu! Il me fait l'idee d'une grenouille aves ses jambes +jaunes," cried another. + +"Il vaut son pesant de fromage pour une Vaudeville," said the director of +the strolling theatre of the place. + +"I'll give seventy francs a week, 'd'appointment,' and 'Scribe' shall +write a piece express for himself, if he'll take it." + +"May the devil fly away with your grinning baboon faces," said I, as I +rushed up the stairs again, pursued by the mob at full cry; scarcely, +however, had I reached the top step, when the rough hand of the +gen-d'arme seized me by the shoulder, while he said in a low, husky +voice, "c'est inutile, Monsieur, you cannot escape--the thing was well +contrived, it is true; but the gens-d'armes of France are not easily +outwitted, and you could not have long avoided detection, even in that +dress." It was my turn to laugh now, which, to their very great +amazement, I did, loud and long; that I should have thought my present +costume could ever have been the means of screening me from observation, +however it might have been calculated to attract it, was rather too +absurd a supposition even for the mayor of a village to entertain; +besides, it only now occurred to me that I was figuring in the character +of a prisoner. The continued peals of laughing which this mistake on +their part elicited from me seemed to afford but slight pleasure to my +captor, who gruffly said-- + +"When you have done amusing yourself, mon ami, perhaps you will do us the +favour to come before the mayor." + +"Certainly," I replied; "but you will first permit me to resume my own +clothes, I am quite sick of masquerading 'en postillion.'" + +"Not so fast, my friend," said the suspicious old follower of Fouche +--"not so fast; it is but right the maire should see you in the disguise +you attempted your escape in. It must be especially mentioned in the +proces verbal." + +"Well, this is becoming too ludicrous," said I. "It need not take five +minutes to satisfy you why, how, and where, I put on these confounded +rags--" + +"Then tell it to the maire, at the Bureau." + +"But for that purpose it is not necessary I should be conducted through +the streets in broad day, to be laughed at. No, positively, I'll not go. +In my own dress I'll accompany you with pleasure." + +"Victor, Henri, Guillame," said the gen-d'arme, addressing his +companions, who immediately closed round me. "You see," added he, "there +is no use in resisting." + +Need I recount my own shame and ineffable disgrace? Alas! it is too, +too true. Harry Lorrequer--whom Stultze entreated to wear his coats, +the ornament of Hyde Park, the last appeal in dress, fashion, and +equipage--was obliged to parade through the mob of a market-town in +France, with four gens-d'armes for his companions, and he himself habited +in a mongrel character--half postillion, half Delaware Indian. The +incessant yells of laughter--the screams of the children, and the +outpouring of every species of sarcasm and ridicule, at my expense, were +not all--for, as I emerged from the porte-chochere I saw Isabella in the +window: her eyes were red with weeping; but no sooner had she beheld me, +than she broke out into a fit of laughter that was audible even in the +street. + +Rage had now taken such a hold upon me, that I forgot my ridiculous +appearance in my thirst for vengeance. I marched on through the grinning +crowd, with the step of a martyr. I suppose my heroic bearing and +warlike deportment must have heightened the drollery of the scene; for +the devils only laughed the more. The bureau of the maire could not +contain one-tenth of the anxious and curious individuals who thronged +the entrance, and for about twenty minutes the whole efforts of the +gens-d'armes were little enough to keep order and maintain silence. At +length the maire made his appearance, and accustomed as he had been for +a long life to scenes of an absurd and extraordinary nature, yet the +ridicule of my look and costume was too much, and he laughed outright. +This was of course the signal for renewed mirth for the crowd, while +those without doors, infected by the example, took up the jest, and I +had the pleasure of a short calculation, a la Babbage, of how many +maxillary jaws were at that same moment wagging at my expense. + +However, the examination commenced; and I at length obtained an +opportunity of explaining under what circumstances I had left my room, +and how and why I had been induced to don this confounded cause of all my +misery. + +"This may be very true," said the mayor, "as it is very plausible; if you +have evidence to prove what you have stated--" + +"If it's evidence only is wanting, Mr. Maire, I'll confirm one part of +the story," said a voice in the crowd, in an accent and tone that assured +me the speaker was the injured proprietor of the stolen blankets. I +turned round hastily to look at my victim, and what was my surprise to +recognize a very old Dublin acquaintance, Mr. Fitzmaurice O'Leary. + +"Good morning, Mr. Lorrequer," said he; "this is mighty like our ould +practices in College-green; but upon my conscience the maire has the +advantage of Gabbet. It's lucky for you I know his worship, as we'd call +him at home, or this might be a serious business. Nothing would persuade +them that you were not Lucien Buonaparte, or the iron mask, or something +of that sort, if they took it into their heads." + +Mr. O'Leary was as good as his word. In a species of French, that I'd +venture to say would be perfectly intelligible in Mullingar, he contrived +to explain to the maire that I was neither a runaway nor a swindler, but +a very old friend of his, and consequently sans reproche. The official +was now as profuse of his civilities as he had before been of his +suspicions, and most hospitably pressed us to stay for breakfast. This, +for many reasons, I was obliged to decline--not the least of which was, +my impatience to get out of my present costume. We accordingly procured a +carriage, and I returned to the hotel, screened from the gaze but still +accompanied by the shouts of the mob, who evidently took a most lively +interest in the entire proceeding. + +I lost no time in changing my costume, and was about to descend +to the saloon, when the master of the house came to inform me that +Mrs. Bingham's courier had arrived with the carriage, and that she +expected us at Amiens as soon as possible. + +"That is all right. Now, Mr. O'Leary, I must pray you to forgive +all the liberty I have taken with you, and also permit me to defer the +explanation of many circumstances which seem at present strange, till--" + +"Till sine die, if the story be a long one, my dear sir--there's nothing +I hate so much, except cold punch." + +"You are going to Paris," said I; "is it not so?" + +"Yes, I'm thinking of it. I was up at Trolhatten, in Norway, three weeks +ago, and I was obliged to leave it hastily, for I've an appointment with +a friend in Geneva." + +"Then how do you travel?" + +"On foot, just as you see, except that I've a tobacco bag up stairs, and +an umbrella." + +"Light equipment, certainly; but you must allow me to give you a set down +as far as Amiens, and also to present you to my friends there." + +To this Mr. O'Leary made no objection; and as Miss Bingham could not bear +any delay, in her anxiety to join her mother, we set out at once--the +only thing to mar my full enjoyment at the moment being the sight of the +identical vestments I had so lately figured in, bobbing up and down +before my eyes for the whole length of the stage, and leading +to innumerable mischievous allusions from my friend Mr. O'Leary, +which were far too much relished by my fair companion. + +At twelve we arrived at Amiens, when I presented my friend Mr. O'Leary to +Mrs. Bingham. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +MR. O'LEARY. + +At the conclusion of my last chapter I was about to introduce to my +reader's acquaintance my friend Mr. O'Leary; and, as he is destined to +occupy some place in the history of these Confessions, I may, perhaps, be +permitted to do so at more length than his intrinsic merit at first sight +might appear to warrant. + +Mr. O'Leary was, and I am induced to believe is, a particularly short, +fat, greasy-looking gentleman, with a head as free from phrenological +development as a billiard-ball, and a countenance which, in feature and +colour, nearly resembled the face of a cherub, carved in oak, as we see +them in old pulpits. + +Short as is his stature, his limbs compose the least part of it. His +hands and feet, forming some compensation by their ample proportions, +with short, thick fins, vulgarly called a cobbler's thumb. His voice +varying in cadence from a deep barytone, to a high falsetto, maintains +throughout the distinctive characteristic of a Dublin accent and +pronunciation, and he talks of the "Veel of Ovoca, and a beef-steek," +with some price of intonation. What part of the Island he came +originally from, or what may be his age, are questions I have the most +profound ignorance of; I have heard many anecdotes which would imply his +being what the French call "d'un age mur"--but his own observations are +generally limited to events occurring since the peace of "fifteen." To +his personal attractions, such as they are, he has never been solicitous +of contributing by the meretricious aids of dress. His coat, calculating +from its length of waist, and ample skirt, would fit Bumbo Green, while +his trowsers, being made of some cheap and shrinking material, have +gradually contracted their limits, and look now exactly like +knee-breeches, without the usual buttons at the bottom. + +These, with the addition of a pair of green spectacles, the glass of one +being absent, and permitting the look-out of a sharp, grey eye, twinkling +with drollery and good humour, form the most palpable of his externals. +In point of character, they who best knew him represented him as the +best-tempered, best-hearted fellow breathing; ever ready to assist a +friend, and always postponing his own plans and his own views, when he +had any, to the wishes and intentions of others. Among the many odd +things about him, was a constant preference to travelling on foot, and a +great passion for living abroad, both of which tastes he gratified, +although his size might seem to offer obstacles to the one, and his total +ignorance of every continental language, would appear to preclude the +other; with a great liking for tobacco, which he smoked all day--a +fondness for whist and malt liquors--his antipathies were few; so that +except when called upon to shave more than once in the week, or wash his +hands twice on the same day, it was difficult to disconcert him. His +fortune was very ample; but although his mode of living was neither very +ostentatious nor costly, he contrived always to spend his income. Such +was the gentleman I now presented to my friends, who, I must confess, +appeared strangely puzzled by his manner and appearance. This feeling, +however, soon wore off; and before he had spent the morning in their +company, he had made more way in their good graces, and gone farther to +establish intimacy, than many a more accomplished person, with an +unexceptionable coat and accurate whisker might have effected in +a fortnight. What were his gifts in this way, I am, alas, most +deplorably ignorant of; it was not, heaven knows, that he possessed any +conversational talent--of successful flattery he knew as much as a negro +does of the national debt--and yet the "bon-hommie" of his character +seemed to tell at once; and I never knew him fail in any one instance to +establish an interest for himself before he had completed the ordinary +period of a visit. + +I think it is Washington Irving who has so admirably depicted the +mortification of a dandy angler, who, with his beaver garnished with +brown hackles, his well-posed rod, polished gaff, and handsome +landing-net, with every thing befitting, spends his long summer day +whipping a trout stream without a rise or even a ripple to reward him, +while a ragged urchin, with a willow wand, and a bent pin, not ten yards +distant, is covering the greensward with myriads of speckled and scaly +backs, from one pound weight to four; so it is in every thing--"the race +is not to the swift;" the elements of success in life, whatever be the +object of pursuit, are very, very different from what we think them at +first sight, and so it was with Mr. O'Leary, and I have more than once +witnessed the triumph of his homely manner and blunt humour over the +more polished and well-bred taste of his competitors for favour; and +what might have been the limit to such success, heaven alone can tell, +if it were not that he laboured under a counter-balancing infirmity, +sufficient to have swamped a line-of-battle ship itself. It was simply +this--a most unfortunate propensity to talk of the wrong place, person, +or time, in any society he found himself; and this taste for the mal +apropos, extended so far, that no one ever ventured into company with +him as his friend, without trembling for the result; but even this, I +believe his only fault, resulted from the natural goodness of his +character and intentions; for, believing as he did, in his honest +simplicity, that the arbitrary distinctions of class and rank were held +as cheaply by others as himself, he felt small scruple at recounting to +a duchess a scene in a cabaret, and with as little hesitation would he, +if asked, have sung the "Cruiskeen lawn," or the "Jug of Punch," after +Lablanche had finished the "Al Idea," from Figaro. 'Mauvaise honte,' he +had none; indeed I am not sure that he had any kind of shame whatever, +except possibly when detected with a coat that bore any appearance of +newness, or if overpersuaded to wear gloves, which he ever considered as +a special effeminacy. + +Such, in a few words, was the gentleman I now presented to my friends, +and how far he insinuated himself into their good graces, let the fact +tell, that on my return to the breakfast-room, after about an hour's +absence, I heard him detailing the particulars of a route they were to +take by his advice, and also learned that he had been offered and had +accepted a seat in their carriage to Paris. + +"Then I'll do myself the pleasure of joining your party, Mrs. Bingham," +said he. "Bingham, I think, madam, is your name." + +"Yes, Sir." + +"Any relation, may I ask, of a most dear friend of mine, of the same +name, from Currynaslattery, in the county Wexford?" + +"I am really not aware," said Mrs. Bingham. "My husband's family are, I +believe, many of them from that county." + +"Ah, what a pleasant fellow was Tom!" said Mr. O'Leary musingly, +and with that peculiar tone which made me tremble, for I knew well +that a reminiscence was coming. "A pleasant fellow indeed." + +"Is he alive, sir, now?" + +"I believe so, ma'am; but I hear the climate does not agree with him." + +"Ah, then, he's abroad! In Italy probably?" + +"No, ma'am, in Botany Bay. His brother, they say, might have saved him, +but he left poor Tom to his fate, for he was just then paying court to a +Miss Crow, I think, with a large fortune. Oh, Lord, what have I said, +it's always the luck of me!" The latter exclamation was the result of a +heavy saugh upon the floor, Mrs. Bingham having fallen in a faint--she +being the identical lady alluded to, and her husband the brother of +pleasant Tom Bingham. + +To hurl Mr. O'Leary out of the room by one hand, and ring the bell with +the other, was the work of a moment; and with proper care, and in due +time, Mrs. Bingham was brought to herself, when most fortunately, she +entirely forgot the cause of her sudden indisposition; and, of course, +neither her daughter nor myself suffered any clue to escape us which +might lead to its discovery. + +When we were once more upon the road, to efface if it might be necessary +any unpleasant recurrence to the late scene, I proceeded to give Mrs. +Bingham an account of my adventure at Chantraine, in which, of course, I +endeavoured to render my friend O'Leary all the honours of being laughed +at in preference to myself, laying little stress upon my masquerading in +the jack-boots. + +"You are quite right," said O'Leary, joining in the hearty laugh against +him, "quite right, I was always a very heavy sleeper--indeed if I wasn't +I wouldn't be here now, travelling about en garcon, free as air;" here he +heaved a sigh, which from its incongruity with his jovial look and happy +expression, threw us all into renewed laughter. + +"But why, Mr. O'Leary--what can your sleepiness have to do with such +tender recollections, for such, I am sure, that sigh bespeaks them?" + +"Ah! ma'am, it may seem strange, but it is nevertheless true, if it were +not for that unfortunate tendency, I should now be the happy possessor of +a most accomplished and amiable lady, and eight hundred per annum three +and a half per cent. stock." + +"You overslept yourself on the wedding-day, I suppose." + +"You shall hear, ma'am, the story is a very short one: It is now about +eight years ago, I was rambling through the south of France, and had just +reached Lyons, where the confounded pavement, that sticks up like pears, +with the point upwards, had compelled me to rest some days and recruit; +for this purpose I installed myself in the pension of Madame Gourgead, +Rue de Petits Carmes, a quiet house--where we dined at twelve, ten in +number, upon about two pounds of stewed beef, with garlic and carrots +--a light soup, being the water which accompanied the same to render it +tender in stewing--some preserved cherries, and an omelette, with a pint +bottle of Beaune, 6me qualite, I believe--a species of pyroligneous wine +made from the vine stalks, but pleasant in summer with your salad; then +we played dominos in the evening, or whist for sous points, leading +altogether a very quiet and virtuous existence, or as Madame herself +expressed it, 'une vie tout-a-fait patriarchale;' of this I cannot myself +affirm how far she was right in supposing the patriarchs did exactly like +us. But to proceed, in the same establishment there lived a widow whose +late husband had been a wine merchant at Dijon--he had also, I suppose +from residing in that country, been imitating the patriarchs, for he died +one day. Well, the lady was delayed at Lyons for some law business, and +thus it came about, that her husband's testament and the sharp paving +stones in the streets determined we should be acquainted. I cannot +express to you the delight of my fair countrywoman at finding that a +person who spoke English had arrived at the 'pension'--a feeling I myself +somewhat participated in; for to say truth, I was not at that time a very +great proficient in French. We soon became intimate, in less time +probably than it could otherwise have happened, for from the ignorance of +all the others of one word of English, I was enabled during dinner to say +many soft and tender things, which one does not usually venture on in +company. + +"I recounted my travels, and told various adventures of my wanderings, +till at last, from being merely amused, I found that my fair friend began +to be interested in my narratives; and frequently when passing the +bouillon to her, I have seen a tear in the corner of her eye: in a word, +'she loved me for the dangers I had passed,' as Othello says. Well, +laugh away if you like, but it's truth I am telling you." At this part +of Mr. O'Leary's story we all found it impossible to withstand the +ludicrous mock heroic of his face and tone, and laughed loud and long. +When we at length became silent he resumed--"Before three weeks had +passed over, I had proposed and was accepted, just your own way, Mr. +Lorrequer, taking the ball at the hop, the very same way you did at +Cheltenham, the time the lady jilted you, and ran off with your friend +Mr. Waller; I read it all in the news, though I was then in Norway +fishing." Here there was another interruption by a laugh, not, however, +at Mr. O'Leary's expense. I gave him a most menacing look, while he +continued--"the settlements were soon drawn up, and consisted, like all +great diplomatic documents, of a series of 'gains and compensations;' +thus, she was not to taste any thing stronger than kirsch wasser, or +Nantz brandy; and I limited myself to a pound of short-cut weekly, and so +on: but to proceed, the lady being a good Catholic, insisted upon being +married by a priest of her own persuasion, before the performance of the +ceremony at the British embassy in Paris; to this I could offer no +objection, and we were accordingly united in the holy bonds the same +morning, after signing the law papers." + +"Then, Mr. O'Leary, you are really a married man." + +"That's the very point I'm coming to, ma'am; for I've consulted all the +jurists upon the subject, and they never can agree. But you shall hear. +I despatched a polite note to Bishop Luscombe, and made every arrangement +for the approaching ceremony, took a quartier in the Rue Helder, near the +Estaminet, and looked forward with anxiety for the day which was to make +my happy; for our marriage in Lyons was only a kind of betrothal. Now, +my fair friend had but one difficulty remaining, poor dear soul--I +refrain from mentioning her name for delicacy sake; but poor dear Mrs. +Ram could not bear the notion of our going up to Paris in the same +conveyance, for long as she had lived abroad, she had avoided every thing +French, even the language, so she proposed that I should go in the early +'Diligence,' which starts at four-o'clock in the morning, while she took +her departure at nine; thus I should be some hours sooner in Paris, and +ready to receive her on her arriving; besides sparing her bashfulness all +reproach of our travelling together. It was no use my telling her that +I always travelled on foot, and hated a 'Diligence;' she coolly replied +that at our time of life we could not spare the time necessary for a +pilgrimage to Jerusalem, for so she supposed the journey from Lyons to +Paris to be; so fearing lest any doubt might be thrown upon the ardour of +my attachment, I yielded at once, remembering at the moment what my poor +friend Tom Bing--Oh Lord, I'm at it again!" + +"Sir, I did not hear." + +"Nothing, ma'am, I was just going to observe, that ladies of a certain +time of life, and widows especially, like a lover that seems a little +ardent or so, all the better." Here Mrs. Bingham blushed, her daughter +bridled, and I nearly suffocated with shame and suppressed laughter. + +"After a most tender farewell of my bride or wife, I don't know which, +I retired for the night with a mind vacillating between my hopes of +happiness and my fears for the result of a journey so foreign to all my +habits of travelling, and in which I could not but tremble at the many +casualties my habitual laziness and dislike to any hours but of my own +choosing might involve me in. + +"I had scarcely lain down in bed, ere these thoughts took such possession +of me, that sleep for once in my life was out of the question; and then +the misery of getting up at four in the morning--putting on your clothes +by the flickering light of the porter's candle--getting your boots on the +wrong feet, and all that kind of annoyance--I am sure I fretted myself +into the feeling of a downright martyr before an hour was over. Well at +least, thought I, one thing is well done,--I have been quite right in +coming to sleep here at the Messagerie Hotel, where the diligence starts +from, or the chances are ten to one that I never should wake till the +time was past. Now, however, they are sure to call me; so I may sleep +tranquilly till then. Meanwhile I had forgotten to pack my trunk--my +papers, &c. laying all about the room in a state of considerable +confusion. I rose at once with all the despatch I could muster; this +took a long time to effect, and it was nearly two o'clock ere I finished, +and sat down to smoke a solitary pipe,--the last, as I supposed it might +be my lot to enjoy for heaven knows how long, Mrs. R. having expressed, +rather late in our intimacy I confess, strong opinions against tobacco +within doors. + +"When I had finished my little sac of the 'weed,' the clock struck three, +and I started to think how little time I was destined to have in bed. +In bed! why, said I, there is no use thinking of it now, for I shall +scarcely have lain down ere I shall be obliged to get up again. So +thinking, I set about dressing myself for the road; and by the time I had +enveloped myself in a pair of long Hungarian gaiters, and a kurtcha of +sheep's wool, with a brown bear-skin outside, with a Welsh wig, and a +pair of large dark glass goggles to defend the eyes from the snow, I was +not only perfectly impervious to all effects of the weather, but so +thoroughly defended from any influence of sight or sound, that a volcano +might be hissing and thundering within ten yards of me, without +attracting my slightest attention. Now, I thought, instead of remaining +here, I'll just step down to the coach, and get snugly in the diligence, +and having secured the corner of the coupe, resign myself to sleep with +the certainty of not being left behind, and, probably, too, be some miles +on my journey before awaking. + +"I accordingly went down stairs, and to my surprise found, even at that +early hour, that many of the garcons of the house were stirring and +bustling about, getting all the luggage up in the huge wooden leviathan +that was to convey us on our road. There they stood, like bees around a +hive, clustering and buzzing, and all so engaged that with difficulty +could I get an answer to my question of, What diligence it was? 'La +diligence pour Paris, Monsieur.' + +"'Ah, all right then,' said I; so watching an opportunity to do so +unobserved, for I supposed they might have laughed at me, I stepped +quietly into the coupe; and amid the creaking of cordage, and the +thumping of feet on the roof, fell as sound asleep as ever I did in my +life--these sounds coming to my muffled ears, soft as the echoes on the +Rhine. When it was that I awoke I cannot say; but as I rubbed my eyes +and yawned after a most refreshing sleep, I perceived that it was still +quite dark all around, and that the diligence was standing before the +door of some inn and not moving. Ah, thought I, this is the first stage; +how naturally one always wakes at the change of horses,--a kind of +instinct implanted by Providence, I suppose, to direct us to a little +refreshment on the road. With these pious feelings I let down the glass, +and called out to the garcon for a glass of brandy and a cigar. While he +was bringing them, I had time to look about, and perceived, to my very +great delight, that I had the whole coupe to myself. 'Are there any +passengers coming in here?' said I, as the waiter came forward with my +petit verre. 'I should think not, sir,' said the fellow with a leer. +'Then I shall have the whole coupe to myself?' said I. 'Monsieur need +have no fear of being disturbed; I can safely assure him that he will +have no one there for the next twenty-four hours.' This was really +pleasant intelligence; so I chucked him a ten sous piece, and closing up +the window as the morning was cold, once more lay back to sleep with a +success that has never failed me. It was to a bright blue cloudless sky, +and the sharp clear air of a fine day in winter, that I at length opened +my eyes. I pulled out my watch, and discovered it was exactly two +o'clock; I next lowered the glass and looked about me, and very much to +my surprise discovered that the diligence was not moving, but standing +very peaceably in a very crowded congregation of other similar and +dissimilar conveyances, all of which seemed, I thought, to labour under +some physical ailment, some wanting a box, others a body, &c., &c. and in +fact suggesting the idea of an infirmary for old and disabled carriages +of either sex, mails and others. 'Oh, I have it,' cried I, 'we are +arrived at Mt. Geran, and they are all at dinner, and from my being alone +in the coupe, they have forgotten to call me.' I immediately opened the +door and stepped out into the innyard, crowded with conducteurs, grooms, +and ostlers, who, I thought, looked rather surprised at seeing me emerge +from the diligence. + +"'You did not know I was there,' said I, with a knowing wink at one of +them as I passed. + +"'Assurement non,' said the fellow with a laugh, that was the signal for +all the others to join in it. 'Is the table d'hote over?' said I, +regardless of the mirth around me. 'Monsieur is just in time,' said the +waiter, who happened to pass with a soup-tureen in his hand. 'Have the +goodness to step this way.' I had barely time to remark the close +resemblance of the waiter to the fellow who presented me with my brandy +and cigar in the morning, when he ushered me into a large room with about +forty persons sitting at a long table, evidently waiting with impatience +for the 'Potage' to begin their dinner. Whether it was they enjoyed the +joke of having neglected to call me, or that they were laughing at my +travelling costume, I cannot say, but the moment I came in, I could +perceive a general titter run through the assembly. 'Not too late, after +all, gentlemen,' said I, marching gravely up the table. + +"'Monsieur is in excellent time,' said the host, making room for me +beside his chair. Notwithstanding the incumbrance of my weighty +habiliments, I proceeded to do ample justice to the viands before me, +apologizing laughingly to the host, by pleading a traveller's appetite. + +"'Then you have perhaps come far this morning,' said a gentleman +opposite. + +"'Yes,' said I, 'I have been on the road since four o'clock.' + +"'And how are the roads?' said another. 'Very bad,' said I, 'the first +few stages from Lyons, afterwards much better.' This was said at a +venture, as I began to be ashamed of being always asleep before my +fellow-travellers. They did not seem, however, to understand me +perfectly; and one old fellow putting down his spectacles from his +forehead, leaned over and said: 'And where, may I ask, has Monsieur come +from this morning?' + +"'From Lyons,' said I, with the proud air of a man who has done a stout +feat, and is not ashamed of the exploit. + +"'From Lyons!' said one. 'From Lyons!' cried another. 'From Lyons!' +repeated a third. + +"'Yes,' said I; 'what the devil is so strange in it; travelling is so +quick now-a-days, one thinks nothing of twenty leagues before dinner.' + +"The infernal shout of laughing that followed my explanation is still in +my ears; from one end of the table to the other there was one continued +ha, ha, ha--from the greasy host to the little hunchbacked waiter, they +were all grinning away. + +"'And how did Monsieur travel?' said the old gentleman, who seemed to +carry on the prosecution against me. + +"'By the diligence, the "Aigle noir,"' said I, giving the name with some +pride, that I was not altogether ignorant of the conveyance. + +"'The you should certainly not complain of the roads,' said the host +chuckling; 'for the only journey that diligence has made this day has +been from the street-door to the inn-yard; for as they found when the +luggage was nearly packed that the axle was almost broken through, they +wheeled it round to the court, and prepared another for the travellers.' + +"'And where am I now?' said I. + +"'In Lyons,' said twenty voices, half choked with laughter at my +question. + +"I was thunderstruck at the news at first; but as I proceeded with my +dinner, I joined in the mirth of the party, which certainly was not +diminished on my telling them the object of my intended journey. + +"'I think, young man,' said the old fellow with the spectacles, 'that you +should take the occurrence as a warning of Providence that marriage will +not suit you.' I began to be of the same opinion;--but then there was +the jointure. To be sure, I was to give up tobacco; and perhaps I should +not be as free to ramble about as when en garcon. So taking all things +into consideration, I ordered in another bottle of burgundy, to drink +Mrs. Ram's health--got my passport vised for Barege--and set out for the +Pyrenees the same evening." + +"And have you never heard any thing more of the lady?" said Mrs. Bingham. + +"Oh, yes. She was faithful to the last; for I found out when at Rome +last winter that she had offered a reward for me in the newspapers, and +indeed had commenced a regular pursuit of me through the whole continent. +And to tell the real fact, I should not now fancy turning my steps +towards Paris, if I had not very tolerable information that she is in +full cry after me through the Wengen Alps, I having contrived a paragraph +in Galignani, to seduce her thither, and where, with the blessing of +Providence, if the snow set in early, she must pass the winter." + + + + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +PARIS. + +Nothing more worthy of recording occurred before our arrival at Meurice +on the third day of our journey. My friend O'Leary had, with his usual +good fortune, become indispensable to his new acquaintance, and it was +not altogether without some little lurking discontent that I perceived +how much less often my services were called in request since his having +joined our party; his information, notwithstanding its very scanty +extent, was continually relied upon, and his very imperfect French +everlastingly called into requisition to interpret a question for the +ladies. Yes, thought I, "Othello's occupation's gone;" one of two things +has certainly happened, either Mrs. Bingham and her daughter have noticed +my continued abstraction of mind, and have attributed it to the real +cause, the pre-occupation of my affections; or thinking, on the other +hand, that I am desperately in love with one or other of them, have +thought that a little show of preference to Mr. O'Leary may stimulate me +to a proposal at once. In either case I resolved to lose no time in +taking my leave, which there could be no difficulty in doing now, as the +ladies had reached their intended destination, and had numerous friends +in Paris to advise and assist them; besides that I had too long neglected +the real object of my trip, and should lose no time in finding out the +Callonbys, and at once learn what prospect of success awaited me in that +quarter. Leaving my fair friends then to refresh themselves after the +journey, and consigning Mr. O'Leary to the enjoyment of his meershaum, +through the aid of which he had rendered his apartment like a Dutch swamp +in autumn, the only portion of his own figure visible through the mist +being his short legs and heavy shoes. + +On reaching the house in the Rue de la Paix, where the Callonbys had +resided, I learned that they were still at Baden, and were not expected +in Paris for some weeks; that Lord Kilkee had arrived that morning, and +was then dining at the Embassy, having left an invitation for me to dine +with him on the following day, if I happened to call. As I turned from +the door, uncertain whither to turn my steps, I walked on unconsciously +towards the Boulevard, and occupied as I was, thinking over all the +chances before me, did not perceive where I stood till the bright glare +of a large gas lamp over my head apprised me that I was at the door of +the well known Salon des Etrangers, at the corner of the Rue Richelieu; +carriages, citadines, and vigilantes were crowding, crashing, and +clattering on all sides, as the host of fashion and the gaming-table were +hastening to their champ de bataille. Not being a member of the Salon, +and having little disposition to enter, if I had been, I stood for some +minutes looking at the crowd as it continued to press on towards the +splendid and brilliantly lighted stairs, which leads from the very street +to the rooms of the palace, for such, in the magnificence and luxury of +its decorations, it really is. As I was on the very eve of turning +away, a large and very handsome cab-horse turned the corner from the +balustrade, with the most perfect appointment of harness and carriage +I had seen for a long time. + +While I continued to admire the taste and propriety of the equipage, a +young man in deep mourning sprung from the inside and stood upon the +pavement before me. "A deux heures, Charles," said he to his servant, +as the cab turned slowly around. The voice struck me as well known. I +waited till he approached the lamp, to catch a glimpse of the face; and +what was my surprise to recognise my cousin, Guy Lorrequer of the 10th, +whom I had not met with for six years before. My first impulse was not +to make myself known to him. Our mutual position with regard to Lady +Jane was so much a mystery, as regarded myself, that I feared the result +of any meeting, until I was sufficiently aware of how matters stood, and +whether we were to meet as friends and relations, or rivals, and +consequently enemies. + +Before I had time to take my resolution, Guy had recognised me, and +seizing me by the hand with both his, called, "Harry, my old friend, how +are you? how long have you been here, and never to call on me? Why man, +what is the meaning of this?" Before I had time to say that I was only a +few hours in Paris, he again interrupted me by saying: "And how comes it +that you are not in mourning? You must surely have heard it." + +"Heard what?" I cried, nearly hoarse from agitation. "Our poor old +friend, Sir Guy, didn't you know, is dead." Only those who have felt how +strong the ties of kindred are, as they decrease in number, can tell how +this news fell upon my heart. All my poor uncle's kindnesses came one by +one full upon my memory; his affectionate letters of advice; his +well-meant chidings, too, even dearer to me than his praise and approval, +completely unmanned me; and I stood speechless and powerless before my +cousin as he continued to detail to me the rapid progress of Sir Guy's +malady, and attack of gout in the head, which carried him off in three +days. Letters had been sent to me in different places, but none reached; +and at the very moment the clerk of my uncle's lawyer was in pursuit of +me through the highlands, where some mistaken information had induced him +to follow me. + +"You are, therefore," continued Guy, "unaware that our uncle has dealt so +fairly by you, and indeed by both of us; I have got the Somersetshire +estates, which go with the baronetcy; but the Cumberland property is all +yours; and I heartily wish you joy of having nearly eight thousand per +annum, and one of the sweetest villas that ever man fancied on +Derwentwater. But come along here," continued he, and he led me through +the crowded corridor and up the wide stair. "I have much to tell you, +and we can be perfectly alone here; no one will trouble themselves with +us." Unconscious of all around me, I followed Guy along the gilded and +glittering lobby, which led to the Salon, and it was only as the servant +in rich livery came forward to take my hat and cane that I remembered +where I was. Then the full sense of all I had been listening to rushed +upon me, and the unfitness, and indeed the indecency of the place for +such communications as we were engaged in, came most forcibly before me. +Sir Guy, it is true, had always preferred my cousin to me; he it was who +was always destined to succeed both to his title and his estates, and his +wildness and extravagance had ever met with a milder rebuke and weaker +chastisement than my follies and my misfortunes. Yet still he was my +last remaining relative; the only one I possessed in all the world to +whom in any difficulty or trial I had to look up; and I felt, in the very +midst of my newly acquired wealth and riches, poorer and more alone than +ever I had done in my lifetime. I followed Guy to a small and dimly +lighted cabinet off the great salon, where, having seated ourselves, he +proceeded to detail to me the various events which a few short weeks had +accomplished. Of himself he spoke but little, and never once alluded to +the Callonbys at all; indeed all I could learn was that he had left the +army, and purposed remaining for the winter at Paris, where he appeared +to have entered into all its gaiety and dissipation at once. + +"Of course," said he, "you will give up 'sodgering' now; at the best it +is but poor sport after five and twenty, and is perfectly unendurable +when a man has the means of pushing himself in the gay world; and now, +Harry, let us mix a little among the mob here; for Messieurs les +Banquiers don't hold people in estimation who come here only for the +'chapons au riz.' and the champagne glacee, as we should seem to do were +we to stay here much longer." + +Such was the whirl of my thoughts, and so great the confusion in my ideas +from all I had just heard, that I felt myself implicitly following every +direction of my cousin with a child-like obedience, of the full extent +of which I became only conscious when I found myself seated at the table +of the Salon, between my cousin Guy and an old, hard-visaged, +pale-countenanced man, who he told me in a whisper was Vilelle the +Minister. + +What a study for the man who would watch the passions and emotions of his +fellow-men, would the table of a rouge et noir gambling-house present +--the skill and dexterity which games of other kinds require, being here +wanting, leave the player free to the full abandonment of the passion. +The interest is not a gradually increasing or vacillating one, as fortune +and knowledge of the game favour; the result is uninfluenced by any thing +of his doing; with the last turned card of the croupier is he rich or +ruined; and thus in the very abstraction of the anxiety is this the most +painfully exciting of all gambling whatever; the very rattle of the +dice-box to the hazard player is a relief; and the thought that he is in +some way instrumental in his good or bad fortune gives a turn to his +thoughts. There is something so like the inevitable character of fate +associated with the result of a chance, which you can in no way affect +or avert, that I have, notwithstanding a strong bias for play, ever +dreaded and avoided the rouge et noir table; hitherto prudential motives +had their share in the resolve; a small loss at play becomes a matter of +importance to a sub in a marching regiment; and therefore I was firm in +my determination to avoid the gambling-table. Now my fortunes were +altered; and as I looked at the heap of shining louis d'or, which Guy +pushed before me in exchange for a billet de banque of large amount, I +felt the full importance of my altered position, mingling with the old +and long practised prejudices which years had been accumulating to fix. +There is besides some wonderful fascination to most men in the very +aspect of high play: to pit your fortune against that of another--to see +whether or not your luck shall not exceed some others--are feelings that +have a place in most bosoms, and are certainly, if not naturally +existing, most easily generated in the bustle and excitement of the +gambling-house. The splendour of the decorations; the rich profusion of +gilded ornaments; the large and gorgeously framed mirrors; the sparkling +lustres; mingling their effect with the perfumed air of the apartment, +filled with orange trees and other aromatic shrubs; the dress of the +company, among whom were many ladies in costumes not inferior to those +of a court; the glitter of diamonds; the sparkle of stars and +decorations, rendered more magical by knowing that the wearers were +names in history. There, with his round but ample shoulder, and large +massive head, covered with long snow-white hair, stands Talleyrand, the +maker and unmaker of kings, watching with a look of ill-concealed +anxiety the progress of his game. Here is Soult, with his dogged look +and beetled brow; there stands Balzac the author, his gains here are +less derived from the betting than the bettors; he is evidently making +his own of some of them, while in the seeming bon hommie of his careless +manners and easy abandon, they scruple not to trust him with anecdotes +and traits, that from the crucible of his fiery imagination come forth, +like the purified gold from the furnace. And there, look at that old and +weather-beaten man, with grey eyebrows, and moustaches, who throws from +the breast-pocket of his frock ever and anon, a handful of gold pieces +upon the table; he evidently neither knows nor cares for the amount, for +the banker himself is obliged to count over the stake for him--that is +Blucher, the never-wanting attendant at the Salon; he has been an +immense loser, but plays on with the same stern perseverance with which +he would pour his bold cavalry through a ravine torn by artillery; he +stands by the still waning chance with a courage that never falters. + +One strong feature of the levelling character of a taste for play has +never ceased to impress me most forcibly--not only do the individual +peculiarities of the man give way before the all-absorbing passion--but +stranger still, the very boldest traits of nationality even fade and +disappear before it; and man seems, under the high-pressure power of this +greatest of all stimulants, resolved into a most abstract state. + +Among all the traits which distinguish Frenchmen from natives of every +country, none is more prominent than a kind of never-failing elasticity +of temperament, which seems almost to defy all the power of misfortune to +depress. Let what will happen, the Frenchman seems to possess some +strong resource within himself, in his ardent temperament, upon which he +can draw at will; and whether on the day after a defeat, the moment of +being deceived in his strongest hopes of returned affection--the +overthrow of some long-cherished wish--it matters not--he never gives way +entirely; but see him at the gaming-table--watch the intense, the aching +anxiety with which his eye follows every card as it falls from the hand +of the croupier--behold the look of cold despair that tracks his stake as +the banker rakes it in among his gains--and you will at once perceive +that here, at least, his wonted powers fail him. No jest escapes the +lips of one, that would badinet upon the steps of the guillotine. The +mocker who would jeer at the torments of revolution, stands like a coward +quailing before the impassive eye and pale cheek of a croupier. While +I continued to occupy myself by observing the different groups about me, +I had been almost mechanically following the game, placing at each deal +some gold upon the table; the result however had interested me so +slightly, that it was only by remarking the attention my game had excited +in others, that my own was drawn towards it. I then perceived that I had +permitted my winnings to accumulate upon the board, and that in the very +deal then commencing, I had a stake of nearly five hundred pounds upon +the deal. + +"Faites votre jeu, le jeu est fait," said the croupier, "trente deux." + +"You have lost, by Jove," said Guy, in a low whisper, in which I could +detect some trait of agitation. + +"Trente et une," added the croupier. "Rouge perd, et couleur." + +There was a regular buz of wonder through the room at my extraordinary +luck, for thus, with every chance against me, I had won again. + +As the croupier placed the billets de banque upon the table, I overheard +the muttered commendations of an old veteran behind me, upon the coolness +and judgment of my play; so much for fortune, thought I, my judgment +consists in a perfect ignorance of the chances, and my coolness is merely +a thorough indifference to success; whether it was now that the flattery +had its effect upon me, or that the passion for play, so long dormant, +had suddenly seized hold upon me, I know not, but my attention became +from that moment rivetted upon the game, and I played every deal. Guy, +who had been from the first betting with the indifferent success which I +have so often observed to attend upon the calculations of old and +experienced gamblers, now gave up, and employed himself merely in +watching my game. + +"Harry," said he at last, "I am completely puzzled as to whether you are +merely throwing down your louis at hazard, or are not the deepest player +I have ever met with." + +"You shall see," said I, as I stooped over towards the banker, and +whispered, "how far is the betting permitted?" + +"Fifteen thousand francs," said the croupier, with a look of surprise. + +"Then be it," said I; "quinze mille francs, rouge." + +In a moment the rouge won, and the second deal I repeated the bet, and so +continuing on with the like success; when I was preparing my rouleau for +the fifth, the banquier rose, and saying-- + +"Messiers, la banque est fermee pour ce soir," proceeded to lock his +casette, and close the table. + +"You are satisfied now," said Guy, rising, "you see you have broke the +banque, and a very pretty incident to commence with your first +introduction to a campaign in Paris." + +Having changed my gold for notes, I stuffed them, with an air of +well-affected carelessness, into my pocket, and strolled through the +Salon, where I had now become an object of considerably more interest +than all the marshals and ministers about me. + +"Now, Hal," said Guy, "I'll just order our supper in the cabinet, and +join you in a moment." + +As I remained for some minutes awaiting Guy's return, my attention was +drawn towards a crowd, in a smaller salon, among whom the usual silent +decorum of the play-table seemed held in but small respect, for every +instant some burst of hearty laughter, or some open expression of joy or +anger burst forth, by which I immediately perceived that they were the +votaries of the roulette table, a game at which the strict propriety and +etiquette ever maintained at rouge et noir, are never exacted. As I +pressed nearer, to discover the cause of the mirth, which every moment +seemed to augment, guess my surprise to perceive among the foremost rank +of the players, my acquaintance, Mr. O'Leary, whom I at that moment +believed to be solacing himself with his meershaum at Meurice. My +astonishment at how he obtained admission to the Salon was even less than +my fear of his recognising me. At no time is it agreeable to find that +the man who is regarded as the buffo of a party turns out to be your +friend, but still less is this so, when the individual claiming +acquaintance with you presents any striking absurdity in his dress or +manner, strongly at contrast with the persons and things about him; and +thus it now happened--Mr. O'Leary's external man, as we met him on the +Calais road, with its various accompaniments of blouse-cap, spectacles, +and tobacco-pipe, were nothing very outre or remarkable, but when the +same figure presented itself among the elegans of the Parisian world, +redolent of eau de Portugal, and superb in the glories of brocade +waistcoats and velvet coats, the thing was too absurd, and I longed to +steal away before any chance should present itself of a recognition. +This, however, was impossible, as the crowd from the other table were all +gathered round us, and I was obliged to stand fast, and trust that the +excitement of the game, in which he appeared to be thoroughly occupied, +might keep his eye fixed on another quarter; I now observed that the same +scene in which I had so lately been occupied at the rouge et noir table, +was enacting here, under rather different circumstances. Mr. O'Leary was +the only player, as I had just been--not, however, because his success +absorbed all the interest of the bystanders, but that, unfortunately, his +constant want of it elicited some strong expression of discontent and +mistrust from him, which excited the loud laughter of the others; but of +which, from his great anxiety in his game, he seemed totally unconscious. + +"Faites votre jeu, Messieurs," said the croupier. + +"Wait a bit till I change this," said Mr. O'Leary, producing an English +sovereign; the action interpreted his wishes, and the money was converted +into coupons de jeu. + +I now discovered one great cause of the mirth of the bystanders, at least +the English portion of them. Mr. O'Leary, when placing his money upon +the table, observed the singular practice of announcing aloud the amount +of his bet, which, for his own information, he not only reduced to +English but also Irish currency; thus the stillness of the room was every +instant broken by a strong Irish accent pronouncing something of this +sort--"five francs," "four and a penny"--"ten francs," "eight and three +ha'pence." The amusement thus caused was increased by the excitement his +losses threw him into. He now ceased to play for several times, when at +last, he made an offering of his usual stake. + +"Perd," said the croupier, raking in the piece with a contemptuous air +at the smallness of the bet, and in no way pleased that the interest +Mr. O'Leary excited should prevent the other players from betting. + +"Perd," said O'Leary, "again. Divil another song you sing than 'perd,' +and I'm not quite clear you're not cheating all the while--only, God help +you if you are!" + +As he so said, the head of a huge black-thorn stick was half protruded +across the table, causing renewed mirth; for, among other regulations, +every cane, however trifling, is always demanded at the door; and thus a +new subject of astonishment arose as to how he had succeeded in carrying +it with him into the salon. + +"Here's at you again," said O'Leary, regardless of the laughter, and +covering three or four numbers with his jetons. + +Round went the ball once more, and once more he lost. + +"Look now, divil a lie in it, he makes them go wherever he pleases. I'll +take a turn now at the tables; fair play's a jewel--and we'll see how +you'll get on." + +So saying, he proceeded to insinuate himself into the chair of the +croupier, whom he proposed to supersede by no very gentle means. This +was of course resisted, and as the loud mirth of the bystanders grew more +and more boisterous, the cries of "a la porte, a la porte," from the +friends of the bank, rung through the crowd. + +"Go it, Pat--go it, Pat," said Guy, over my shoulder, who seemed to take +a prodigious interest in the proceedings. + +At this unexpected recognition of his nativity, for Mr. O'Leary never +suspected he could be discovered by his accent; he looked across the +table, and caught my eye at once. + +"Oh, I'm safe now! stand by me, Mr. Lorrequer, and we'll clear the room." + +So saying, and without any further provocation, he upset the croupier, +chair and all, with one sudden jerk upon the floor, and giving a +tremendous kick to the casette, sent all the five-franc pieces flying +over him; he then jumped upon the table, and brandishing his black-thorn +through the ormolu lustre, scattered the wax-lights on all sides, +accompanying the exploit by a yell that would have called up all +Connemara at midnight, if it had only been heard there; in an instant, +the gens d'armes, always sufficiently near to be called in if required, +came pouring into the room, and supposing the whole affair had been a +preconcerted thing to obtain possession of the money in the bank, +commenced capturing different members of the company who appeared, by +enjoying the confusion, to be favouring and assisting it. My cousin Guy +was one of the first so treated--a proceeding to which he responded by an +appeal rather in favour with most Englishmen, and at once knocked down +the gen d'arme; this was the signal for a general engagement, and +accordingly, before an explanation could possibly be attempted, a most +terrific combat ensued. The Frenchmen in the room siding with the gen +d'armerie, and making common cause against the English; who, although +greatly inferior in number, possessed considerable advantage, from long +habit in street-rows and boxing encounters. As for myself, I had the +good fortune to be pitted against a very pursy and unwieldy Frenchman, +who sacre'd to admiration, but never put in a single blow at me; while, +therefore, I amused myself practising what old Cribb called "the one, +two," upon his fat carcase, I had abundant time and opportunity to watch +all that was doing about me, and truly a more ludicrous affair I never +beheld. Imagine about fifteen or sixteen young Englishmen, most of them +powerful, athletic fellows, driving an indiscriminate mob of about five +times their number before them, who, with courage enough to resist, were +yet so totally ignorant of the boxing art, that they retreated, +pell-mell, before the battering phalanx of their sturdy opponents--the +most ludicrous figure of all being Mr. O'Leary himself, who, standing +upon the table, laid about him with a brass lustre that he had unstrung, +and did considerable mischief with this novel instrument of warfare, +crying out the entire time, "murder every mother's son of them," "give +them another taste of Waterloo." Just as he had uttered the last +patriotic sentiment, he received a slight admonition from behind, by the +point of a gen d'arme's sword, which made him leap from the table with +the alacrity of a harlequin, and come plump down among the thickest of +the fray. My attention was now directed elsewhere, for above all the +din and "tapage" of the encounter I could plainly hear the row-dow-dow +of the drums, and the measured tread of troops approaching, and at once +guessed that a reinforcement of the gen d'armerie were coming up. +Behind me there was a large window, with a heavy scarlet curtain before +it; my resolution was at once taken, I floored my antagonist, whom I had +till now treated with the most merciful forbearance, and immediately +sprung behind the curtain. A second's consideration showed that in the +search that must ensue this would afford no refuge, so I at once opened +the sash, and endeavoured to ascertain at what height I was above the +ground beneath me; the night was so dark that I could see nothing, but +judging from the leaves and twigs that reached to the window, that it +was a garden beneath, and auguring from the perfumed smell of the +shrubs, that they could not be tall trees, I resolved to leap, a resolve +I had little time to come to, for the step of the soldiers was already +heard upon the stair. Fixing my hat then down upon my brows, and +buttoning my coat tightly, I let myself down from the window-stool by my +hands, and fell upon my legs in the soft earth of the garden, safe and +unhurt. From the increased clamour and din overhead, I could learn the +affray was at its height, and had little difficulty in detecting the +sonorous accent and wild threats of my friend Mr. O'Leary, high above +all the other sounds around him. I did not wait long, however, to enjoy +them; but at once set about securing my escape from my present bondage. +In this I had little difficulty, for I was directed by a light to a +small door, which, as I approached, found that it led into the den of +the Concierge, and also communicated by another door with the street. I +opened it, therefore, at once, and was in the act of opening the second, +when I felt myself seized by the collar by a strong hand; and on turning +round saw the sturdy figure of the Concierge himself, with a drawn +bayonet within a few inches of my throat, "Tenez, mon ami," said I +quietly, and placing half a dozen louis, some of my recent spoils, in +his hand, at once satisfied him that, even if I were a robber, I was at +least one that understood and respected the conveniences of society. He +at once relinquished his hold and dropped his weapon, and pulling off +his cap with one hand, to draw the cord which opened the Porte Cochere +with the other, bowed me politely to the street. I had scarcely had +time to insinuate myself into the dense mass of people whom the noise +and confusion within had assembled around the house, when the double +door of the building opened, and a file of gens d'armerie came forth, +leading between them my friend Mr. O'Leary and some others of the +rioters--among whom I rejoiced to find my cousin did not figure. If I +were to judge from his disordered habiliments and scarred visage, Mr. +O'Leary's resistance to the constituted authorities must have been a +vigorous one, and the drollery of his appearance was certainly not +decreased by his having lost the entire brim of his hat--the covering of +his head bearing, under these distressing circumstances, a strong +resemblance to a saucepan. + +As I could not at that moment contribute in any way to his rescue, I +determined on the following day to be present at his examination, and +render him all the assistance in my power. Meanwhile, I returned to +Meurice, thinking of every adventure of the evening much more than of my +own changed condition and altered fortunes. + + + + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +PARIS. + +The first thing which met my eye, when waking in the morning, after the +affair at the salon, was the rouleau of billets de banque which I had won +at play; and it took several minutes before I could persuade myself that +the entire recollection of the evening had any more solid foundation than +a heated brain and fevered imagination. The sudden spring, from being a +subaltern in the __th, with a few hundreds per annum--"pour tout potage," +to becoming the veritable proprietor of several thousands, with a +handsome house in Cumberland, was a consideration which I could scarcely +admit into my mind--so fearful was I, that the very first occurrence of +the day should dispel the illusion, and throw me back into the dull +reality which I was hoping to escape from. + +There is no adage more true than the old Latin one--"that what we wish, +we readily believe;" so, I had little difficulty in convincing myself +that all was as I desired--although, certainly, my confused memory of the +past evening contributed little to that conviction. It was, then, amid a +very whirl of anticipated pleasures, and new schemes for enjoying life, +that I sat down to a breakfast, at which, that I might lose no time in +commencing my race, I had ordered the most recherche viands which even +French cookery can accomplish for the occasion. + +My plans were soon decided upon. I resolved to remain only long enough +in Paris to provide myself with a comfortable travelling carriage--secure +a good courier--and start for Baden; when I trusted that my pretensions, +whatever favour they might have been once received with, would certainly +now, at least, be listened to with more prospect of being successful. + +I opened the Galignani's paper of the day, to direct me in my search, and +had scarcely read a few lines before a paragraph caught my eye, which not +a little amused me; it was headed--Serious riot at the Salon des +Etrangers, and attempt to rob the Bank:-- + +"Last evening, among the persons who presented themselves at the table of +this fashionable resort, were certain individuals, who, by their names +and dress bespoke any thing rather than the rank and condition of those +who usually resort there, and whose admission is still unexplained, +notwithstanding the efforts of the police to unravel the mystery. The +proprietors of the bank did not fail to remark these persons; but +scrupled, from fear of disturbing the propriety of the salon, to take the +necessary steps for their exclusion--reserving their attention to the +adoption of precautions against such intrusion in future--unfortunately, +as it turned out eventually, for, towards eleven o'clock, one of these +individuals, having lost a considerable sum at play, proceeded in a very +violent and outrageous manner to denounce the bank, and went so far as to +accuse the croupier of cheating. This language having failed to excite +the disturbance it was evidently intended to promote, was soon followed +up by a most dreadful personal attack upon the banquier, in which he was +thrown from his seat, and the cassette, containing several thousand +francs in gold and notes, immediately laid hold of. The confusion now +became considerable, and it was apparent, that the whole had been a +pre-concerted scheme. Several persons, leaping upon the table, +attempted to extinguish the great lustre of the salon, in which bold +attempt, they were most spiritedly resisted by some of the other players +and the gens-d'arme, who had by this time arrived in force. The riot +was quelled after a prolonged and desperate resistance, and the rioters, +with the exception of two, were captured, and conveyed to prison, where +they await the result of a judicial investigation--of which we shall not +fail to lay the particulars before our readers. + +"Since our going to press, we have learned that one of the ringleaders in +this vile scheme is a noted English escroc--a swindler, who was already +arrest at C____ for travelling with a false passport; but who contrives, +by some collusion with another of the gang, to evade the local +authorities. If this be the case, we trust he will speedily be detected +and brought to punishment." + +Whatever amusement I had found in reading the commencing portion of this +ridiculous misstatement, the allusion in the latter part by no means +afforded me equal pleasure; and I saw, in one rapid glance, how much +annoyance, and how many delays and impediments--a charge even of this +ridiculous nature, might give rise to in my present circumstances. My +passport, however, will settle all--thought I--as I thrust my hand +towards my pocket, in which I had placed it along with some letters. + +Guess my misery, to discover that the whole of the pocket had been cut +away, probably in the hope of obtaining the billets de banque I had won +at play, but which I had changed from that pocket to a breast one on +leaving the table. This at once led me to suspect that there might be +some truth in the suspicion of the newspaper writer of a pre-concerted +scheme, and at once explained to me what had much puzzled me before--the +extreme rapidity with which the elements of discord were propagated, for +the whole affair was the work of a few seconds. While I continued to +meditate on these matters, the waiter entered with a small note in an +envelope, which a commissionaire had just left at the hotel for me, and +went away, saying there was no answer. I opened it hastily, and read:-- + + "Dear H.--The confounded affair of last night has induced me to + leave this for a few days; besides that I have obtained a most + excellent reason for absenting myself in the presence of a black + eye, which will prevent my appearance in public for a week to come. + As you are a stranger here, you need not fear being detected. With + all its desagremens, I can't help laughing at the adventure, and I + am heartily glad to have had the opportunity of displaying old + Jackson's science upon those wretched gens-d'arme. + + "Your, truly, + "G.L." + +This, certainly, thought I, improves my position. Here is my cousin Guy +--the only one to whom, in any doubt or difficulty here, I could refer-- +here he is--flown, without letting me know where to address him or find +him out. I rung my bell hastily, and having written a line on my card, +requesting Lord Kilkee to come to me as soon as he could, despatched it +to the Rue de la Paix. The messenger soon returned with an answer, +that Lord Kilkee had been obliged to leave Paris late the evening before, +having received some important letters from Baden. My anxiety now became +greater. I did not know but that the moment I ventured to leave the +hotel I should be recognised by some of the witnesses of the evening's +fray; and all thoughts of succouring poor O'Leary were completely +forgotten in my fear for the annoyances the whole of this ridiculous +affair might involve me in. Without any decision as to my future steps, +I dressed myself, and proceeded to pay my respects to Mrs. Bingham and +her daughter, who were in the same hotel, and whom I had not seen since +our arrival. + +As I entered the drawing-room, I was surprised to find Miss Bingham +alone. She appeared to have been weeping--at least the efforts she made +to appear easy and in good spirits contrasted a good deal with the +expression of her features as I came in. To my inquiries for Mrs. +Bingham, I received for answer that the friends Mrs. Bingham had expected +having left a few days before for Baden, she had resolved on following +them, and had now merely driven out to make a few purchases before her +departure, which was to take place in the morning. + +There is something so sad in the thought of being deserted and left by +one's friends under any circumstances, that I cannot express how much +this intelligence affected me. It seemed, too, like the last stroke of +bad news filling up the full measure, that I was to be suddenly deprived +of the society of the very few friends about me, just as I stood most in +need of them. + +Whether or not Miss Bingham noticed my embarrassment, I cannot say; +but certainly she seemed not displeased, and there was in the +half-encouraging tone of her manner something which led me to suspect +that she was not dissatisfied with the impression her news seemed to +produce upon me. + +Without at all alluding to my own improved fortune, or to the events +of the preceding night, I began to talk over the coming journey, and +expressed my sincere regret that, having lost my passport under +circumstances which might create some delay in retrieving it, I could +not join their party as I should otherwise have done. + +Miss Bingham heard this speech with rather more emotion than so simple a +declaration was calculated to produce; and, while she threw down her eyes +beneath their long dark lashes, and coloured slightly, asked-- + +"And did you really wish to come with us?" + +"Undoubtedly," said I. + +"And is there no other objection than the passport?" + +"None whatever," said I, warming as I spoke, for the interest she +appeared to take in me completely upset all my calculations, besides that +I had never seen her looking so handsome, and that, as the French wisely +remark, "vaut toujours quelque chose." + +"Oh, then, pray come with us, which you can do, for mamma has just got +her passport for her nephew along with her own; and as we really don't +want him, nor he us, we shall both be better pleased to be free of each +other, and you can easily afterwards have your own forwarded to Baden by +post." + +"Ah, but," said I, "how shall I be certain, if I take so flattering an +offer, that you will forgive me for filling up the place of the dear +cousin; for, if I conjecture aright, it is 'Le Cher Edouard' that +purposes to be your companion." + +"Yes, you have guessed quite correctly; but you must not tax me with +inconsistency, but really I have grown quite tired of my poor cousin, +since I saw him last night." + +"And you used to admire him prodigiously." + +"Well, well, that is all true, but I do so no longer." + +"Eh! perche," said I, looking cunningly in her eye. + +"For reasons that Mr. Lorrequer shall never know if he has to ask them," +said the poor girl, covering her eyes with her hands, and sobbing +bitterly. + +What I thought, said, or did upon this occasion, with all my most sincere +desire to make a "clean breast of it in these confessions," I know not; +but this I do know, that two hours after, I found myself still sitting +upon the sofa beside Miss Bingham, whom I had been calling Emily all the +while, and talking more of personal matters and my own circumstances than +is ever safe or prudent for a young man to do with any lady under the age +of his mother. + +All that I can now remember of this interview, is the fact of having +arranged my departure in the manner proposed by Miss Bingham--a +proposition to which I acceded with an affectation of satisfaction that +I fear went very far to deceive my fair friend. Not that the pleasure +I felt in the prospect was altogether feigned; but certainly the habit +of being led away by the whim and temper of the moment had so much become +part of my nature, that I had long since despaired of ever guarding +myself against the propensity I had acquired, of following every lead +which any one might throw out for me. And thus, as poor Harry Lorrequer +was ever the first man to get into a row at the suggestion of a friend, +so he only waited the least possible pressing on any occasion, to involve +himself in any scrape or misfortune that presented itself, provided there +was only some one good enough to advise him to do so. + +As I entered my own room, to make preparations for my departure, I could +not help thinking over all the events thus crowded into the space of a +few hours. My sudden possession of wealth--my prospects at Callonby +still undecided--my scrape at the Salon--my late interview with Miss +Bingham, in which I had only stopped short of a proposal to marry, were +almost sufficient to occupy any reasonable mind; and so I was beginning +to suspect, when the waiter informed me that the Commissaire of Police +was in waiting below, and wished to speak to me. Affecting some surprise +at the request which I at once perceived the object of, I desired him to +be introduced. I was quite correct in my guess. The information of my +being concerned in the affair at the Salon had been communicated to the +authorities, and the Commissaire had orders to obtain bail for my +appearance at the Tribunal de Justice, on that day week, or commit me at +once to prison. The Commissaire politely gave me till evening to procure +the required bail, satisfying himself that he could adopt measures to +prevent my escape, and took his leave. He had scarcely gone when Mr. +Edward Bingham was announced--the reason for this visit I could not so +easily divine; but I had little time allowed for my conjectures, as the +same instant a very smart, dapper little gentleman presented himself, +dressed in all the extravagance of French mode. His hair, which was +permitted to curl upon his shoulders, was divided along the middle of the +head; his moustaches were slightly upturned and carefully waxed, and his +small chin-tuft or Henri-quatre most gracefully pointed; he wore three +most happily contrasting coloured waistcoats, and spurs of glittering +brass. His visit was of scarcely five minutes' duration; but was +evidently the opening of a breaching battery by the Bingham family +in all form--the object of which I could at least guess at. + +My embarrassments were not destined to end here; for scarcely had I +returned Mr. Bingham's eighth salutation at the head of the staircase, +when another individual presented himself before me. This figure was in +every respect the opposite of my last visitor. Although framed perfectly +upon the late Parisian school of dandyism, his, however, was the "ecole +militaire." Le Capitaine Eugene de Joncourt, for so he introduced +himself, was a portly personage, of about five-and-thirty or forty years +of age, with that mixture of bon hommie and ferocity in his features +which the soldiers of Napoleon's army either affected or possessed +naturally. His features, which were handsome, and the expression of +which was pleasing, were, as it seemed, perverted, by the warlike turn of +a most terrific pair of whiskers and moustaches, from their naturally +good-humoured bent; and the practised frown and quick turn of his dark +eye were evidently only the acquired advantages of his military career; +a handsome mouth, with singularly regular and good teeth, took much away +from the farouche look of the upper part of his face; and contributed, +with the aid of a most pleasing voice, to impress you in his favour; his +dress was a blue braided frock, decorated with the cordon of the legion; +but neither these, nor the clink of his long cavalry spurs, were +necessary to convince you that the man was a soldier; besides that, there +was that mixture of urbanity and aplomb in his manner which showed him to +be perfectly accustomed to the usages of the best society. + +"May I beg to know," said he, as he seated himself slowly, "if this card +contains your name and address," handing me at the same moment one of my +visiting cards. I immediately replied in the affirmative. + +"You are then in the English service?" + +"Yes." + +"Then, may I entreat your pardon for the trouble of these questions, and +explain the reason of my visit. I am the friend of Le Baron D'Haulpenne, +with whom you had the altercation last night in the Salon, and in whose +name I have come to request the address of a friend on your part." + +Ho, ho, thought I, the Baron is then the stout gentleman that I pummelled +so unmercifully near the window; but how came he by my card; and besides, +in a row of that kind, I am not aware how far the matter can be conceived +to go farther, than what happens at the moment. These were the thoughts +of a second of time, and before I could reply any thing, the captain +resumed. + +"You seem to have forgotten the circumstance, and so indeed should I like +to do; but unfortunately D'Haulpenne says that you struck him with your +walking-cane, so you know, under such a state of things, there is but one +course." + +"But gently," added I, "I had no cane whatever the last evening." + +"Oh! I beg pardon," interrupted he; "but my friend is most positive in +his account, and describes the altercation as having continued from the +Salon to the street, when you struck him, and at the same time threw him +your card. Two of our officers were also present; and although, as it +appears from your present forgetfulness, that the thing took place in the +heat and excitement of the moment, still--" + +"But still," said I, catching up his last words, "I never did strike the +gentleman as you describe--never had any altercation in the street--and--" + +"Is that your address?" said the Frenchman, with a slight bow. + +"Yes, certainly it is." + +"Why then," said he, with a slight curl of his upper lip--half smile, +half derision-- + +"Oh! make yourself perfectly easy," I replied. "If any one has by an +accident made use of my name, it shall not suffer by such a mistake. +I shall be quite at your service, the moment I can find out a friend to +refer you to." + +I had much difficulty to utter these few words with a suitable degree of +temper, so stung was I by the insolent demeanour of the Frenchman, whose +coolness and urbanity seemed only to increase every moment. + +"Then I have the honour to salute you," said he, rising with great +mildness in his voice; "and shall take the liberty to leave my card for +the information of your friend." + +So saying, he placed his card upon the table--"Le Capitaine Eugene de +Joncourt, Cuirassiers de la Garde." + +"I need not press upon Monsieur the value of despatch." + +"I shall not lose a moment," said I, as he clattered down the stairs of +the hotel, with that perfect swaggering nonchalance which a Frenchman is +always an adept in; and I returned to my room, to meditate upon my +numerous embarrassments, and think over the difficulties which every +moment was contributing to increase the number of. + +"The indictment has certainly many counts," thought I. + +Imprimis--A half-implied, but fully comprehended promise to marry a young +lady, with whom, I confess, I only intend to journey this life--as far as +Baden. + +Secondly, a charge of swindling--for such the imputation goes to--at the +Salon. + +Thirdly, another unaccountable delay in joining the Callonbys, with whom +I am every hour in the risque of being "compromis;" and lastly, a duel in +perspective with some confounded Frenchman, who is at this very moment +practising at a pistol gallery. + +Such were the heads of my reflections, and such the agreeable impressions +my visit to Paris was destined to open with; how they were to be followed +up I reserve for another chapter. + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Vol. 5 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + + +Volume 5. (Chapter XXIX-XLI) + + +Contents: + +CHAPTER XXIX +Captain Trevanion's Adventure + +CHAPTER XXX +Difficulties + +CHAPTER XXXI +Explanation + +CHAPTER XXXII +Mr O'Leary's First Love + +CHAPTER XXXIII +Mr O'Leary's Second Love + +CHAPTER XXXIV +The Duel + +CHAPTER XXXV +Early Recollections--A First Love + +CHAPTER XXXVI +Wise Resolves + +CHAPTER XXXVII +The Proposal + +CHAPTER XXXVIII +Thoughts upon Matrimony in general, and in the Army in particular--The +Knight of Kerry and Billy M'Cabe + +CHAPTER XXXIX +A Reminiscence + +CHAPTER XL +The Two Letters + +CHAPTER XLI +Mr O'Leary's Capture + + + + + +CHAPTER XXIX. + +CAPTAIN TREVANION'S ADVENTURE. + +As the day was now waning apace, and I was still unprovided with any one +who could act as my second, I set out upon a search through the various +large hotels in the neighbourhood, trusting that amid my numerous +acquaintance I should be fortunate enough to find some of them at Paris. +With a most anxious eye I scanned the lists of arrivals at the usual +haunts of my countrymen, in the Rue Rivoli, and the Place Vendome, but +without success; there were long catalogues of "Milors," with their +"couriers," &c. but not one name known to me in the number. + +I repaired to Galignani's library, which, though crowded as ever with +English, did not present to me one familiar face. From thence I turned +into the Palais Royale, and at last, completely jaded by walking, and +sick from disappointment, I sat down upon a bench in the Tuilleries +Garden. + +I had scarcely been there many minutes when a gentleman accosted me in +English, saying, "May I ask if this be your property?" showing, at the +same time, a pocket-book which I had inadvertently dropped in pulling out +my handkerchief. As I thanked him for his attention, and was about to +turn away, I perceived that he continued to look very steadily at me. At +length he said, + +"I think I am not mistaken; I have the pleasure to see Mr. Lorrequer, who +may perhaps recollect my name, Trevanion of the 43rd. The last time we +met was at Malta." + +"Oh, I remember perfectly. Indeed I should be very ungrateful if I did +not; for to your kind offices there I am indebted for my life. You must +surely recollect the street row at the 'Caserne?'" + +"Yes; that was a rather brisk affair while it lasted; but, pray, how long +are you here?" + +"Merely a few days; and most anxious am I to leave as soon as possible; +for, independently of pressing reasons to wish myself elsewhere, I have +had nothing but trouble and worry since my arrival, and at this instant +am involved in a duel, without the slightest cause that I can discover, +and, what is still worse, without the aid of a single friend to undertake +the requisite negociation for me." + +"If my services can in any way assist--" + +"Oh, my dear captain, this is really so great a favour that I cannot say +how much I thank you." + +"Say nothing whatever, but rest quite assured that I am completely at +your disposal; for although we are not very old friends, yet I have heard +so much of you from some of ours, that I feel as if we had been long +acquainted." + +This was an immense piece of good fortune to me; for, of all the persons +I knew, he was the most suited to aid me at this moment. In addition to +a thorough knowledge of the continent and its habits, he spoke French +fluently, and had been the most renomme authority in the duello to a +large military acquaintance; joining to a consummate tact and cleverness +in his diplomacy, a temper that never permitted itself to be ruffled, and +a most unexceptionable reputation for courage. In a word, to have had +Trevanion for your second, was not only to have secured odds in your +favour, but, still better, to have obtained the certainty that, let the +affair take what turn it might, you were sure of coming out of it with +credit. He was the only man I have ever met, who had much mixed himself +in transactions of this nature, and yet never, by any chance, had +degenerated into the fire-eater; more quiet, unassuming manners it was +impossible to meet with, and, in the various anecdotes I have heard of +him, I have always traced a degree of forbearance, that men of less known +bravery might not venture to practise. At the same time, when once +roused by any thing like premeditated insult--or pre-determined affront +--he became almost ungovernable, and it would be safer to beard the lion +in his den than cross his path. Among the many stories, and there were a +great many current in his regiment concerning him, there was one so +singularly characteristic of the man, that, as I have passingly mentioned +his name here, I may as well relate it; at the same time premising that, +as it is well known, I may only be repeating an often-heard tale to many +of my readers. + +When the regiment to which Trevanion belonged became part of the army of +occupation in Paris, he was left at Versailles seriously ill from the +effects of a sabre-wound he received at Waterloo, and from which his +recovery at first was exceedingly doubtful. At the end of several weeks, +however, he became out of danger, and was able to receive the visits of +his brother officers, whenever they were fortunate enough to obtain a +day's leave of absence, to run down and see him. From them he learned +that one of his oldest friends in the regiment had fallen in a duel, +during the time of his illness, and that two other officers were +dangerously wounded--one of whom was not expected to survive. When he +inquired as to the reasons of these many disasters, he was informed that +since the entrance of the allies into Paris, the French officers, boiling +with rage and indignation at their recent defeat, and smarting under the +hourly disgrace which the presence of their conquerors suggested, sought +out, by every means in their power, opportunities of insult; but always +so artfully contrived as to render the opposite party the challenger, +thus reserving to themselves the choice of weapons. When therefore it +is borne in mind that the French are the most expert swordsmen in Europe, +little doubt can exist as to the issue of these combats; and, in fact, +scarcely a morning passed without three or four English or Prussian +officers being carried through the Barriere de l'Etoile, if not dead, at +least seriously wounded, and condemned to carry with them through life +the inflictions of a sanguinary and savage spirit of revenge. + +While Trevanion listened to this sad recital, and scarcely did a day come +without adding to the long catalogue of disasters, he at once perceived +that the quiet deportment and unassuming demeanour which so strongly +characterise the English officer, were construed by their French +opponents into evidences of want of courage, and saw that to so +systematic a plan for slaughter no common remedy could be applied, and +that some "coup d'etat" was absolutely necessary, to put it down once +and for ever. + +In the history of these sanguinary rencontres, one name was continually +recurring, generally as the principal, sometimes the instigator of the +quarrel. This was an officer of a chasseur regiment, who had the +reputation of being the best swordsman in the whole French army, and was +no less distinguished for his "skill at fence," than his uncompromising +hatred of the British, with whom alone, of all the allied forces, he was +ever known to come in contact. So celebrated was the "Capitaine Augustin +Gendemar" for his pursuits, that it was well known at that time in Paris +that he was the president of a duelling club, associated for the express +and avowed object of provoking to insult, and as certainly dooming to +death every English officer upon whom they could fasten a quarrel. + +The Cafe Philidor, at that period in the Rue Vivienne, was the rendezvous +of this reputable faction, and here "le Capitaine" reigned supreme, +receiving accounts of the various "affairs" which were transacting +--counselling and plotting for the future. His ascendancy among his +countrymen was perfectly undisputed, and being possessed of great +muscular strength, with that peculiarly "farouche" exterior, without +which courage is nothing in France, he was in every way calculated for +the infamous leadership he assumed. + +It was, unfortunately, to this same cafe, being situated in what was +called the English quarter, that the officers of the 43rd regiment were +in the habit of resorting, totally unaware of the plots by which they +were surrounded, and quite unsuspecting the tangled web of deliberate and +cold-blooded assassination in which they were involved, and here took +place the quarrel, the result of which was the death of Trevanion's +friend, a young officer of great promise, and universally beloved in his +regiment. + +As Trevanion listened to these accounts, his impatience became daily +greater, that his weak state should prevent his being among his brother +officers, when his advice and assistance were so imperatively required, +and where, amid all the solicitude for his perfect recovery, he could not +but perceive they ardently wished for him. + +The day at last arrived, and restored to something like his former self, +Trevanion once more appeared in the mess-room of his regiment. Amid the +many sincere and hearty congratulations on his recovered looks, were not +a few half-expressed hints that he might not go much out into the world +for some little time to come. To these friendly admonitions Trevanion +replied by a good-humoured laugh, and a ready assurance that he +understood the intended kindness, and felt in no wise disposed to be +invalided again. "In fact," said he, "I have come up here to enjoy life +a little, not to risque it; but, among the sights of your gay capital, I +must certainly have a peep at your famed captain, of whom I have heard +too much not to feel an interest in him." + +Notwithstanding the many objections to this, made with a view to delay +his visit to the Philidor to a later period, it was at length agreed, +that they should all repair to the cafe that evening, but upon the +express understanding that every cause of quarrel should be strictly +avoided, and that their stay should be merely sufficient to satisfy +Trevanion's curiosity as to the personnel of the renomme captain. + +It was rather before the usual hour of the cafe's filling, that a number +of English officers, among whom was Trevanion, entered the "salon" of the +"Philidor;" having determined not to attract any unusual attention, they +broke into little knots and parties of threes and fours, and dispersed +through the room, where they either sipped their coffee or played at +dominoes, then, as now, the staple resource of a French cafe. + +The clock over the "comptoir" struck eight, and, at the same instant, +a waiter made his appearance, carrying a small table, which he placed +beside the fire, and, having trimmed a lamp, and placed a large fauteuil +before it, was about to withdraw, when Trevanion, whose curiosity was +roused by the singularity of these arrangements, determined upon asking +for whose comfort they were intended. The waiter stared for a moment at +the question, with an air as if doubting the seriousness of him who put +it, and at last replied--"Pour Monsieur le Capitaine, je crois," with a +certain tone of significance upon the latter words. + +"Le Capitaine! but what captain?" said he, carelessly; "for I am a +captain, and that gentleman there--and there, too, is another," at the +same instant throwing himself listlessly into the well-cushioned chair, +and stretching out his legs at full length upon the hearth. + +The look of horror which this quiet proceeding on his part, elicited from +the poor waiter, so astonished him that he could not help saying--"is +there any thing the matter with you, my friend; are you ill?" + +"No, monsieur, not ill; nothing the matter with me; but you, sir; oh, +you, sir, pray come away." + +"Me," said Trevanion; "me! why, my good man, I was never better in my +life; so now just bring me my coffee and the Moniteur, if you have it; +there, don't stare that way, but do as I bid you." + +There was something in the assured tone of these few words that either +overawed or repressed every rising feeling of the waiter, for his +interrogator; for, silently handing his coffee and the newspaper, he left +the room; not, however, without bestowing a parting glance so full of +terror and dismay that our friend was obliged to smile at it. All this +was the work of a few minutes, and not until the noise of new arrivals +had attracted the attention of his brother officers, did they perceive +where he had installed himself, and to what danger he was thus, as they +supposed, unwittingly exposed. + +It was now, however, too late for remonstrance; for already several +French officers had noticed the circumstance, and by their interchange of +looks and signs, openly evinced their satisfaction at it, and their +delight at the catastrophe which seemed inevitable to the luckless +Englishman. + +In perfect misery at what they conceived their own fault, in not +apprising him of the sacred character of that place, they stood silently +looking at him as he continued to sip his coffee, apparently unconscious +of every thing and person about him. + +There was now a more than ordinary silence in the cafe, which at all +times was remarkable for the quiet and noiseless demeanour of its +frequenters, when the door was flung open by the ready waiter, and the +Capitaine Augustin Gendemar entered. He was a large, squarely-built man, +with a most savage expression of countenance, which a bushy beard and +shaggy overhanging moustache served successfully to assist; his eyes were +shaded by deep, projecting brows, and long eyebrows slanting over them, +and increasing their look of piercing sharpness; there was in his whole +air and demeanour that certain French air of swaggering bullyism, which +ever remained in those who, having risen from the ranks, maintained the +look of ruffianly defiance which gave their early character for courage +peculiar merit. + +To the friendly salutations of his countrymen he returned the slightest +and coldest acknowledgments, throwing a glance of disdain around him as +he wended his way to his accustomed place beside the fire; this he did +with as much of noise and swagger as he could well contrive; his sabre +and sabretasch clanking behind, his spurs jangling, and his heavy step, +made purposely heavier to draw upon him the notice and attention he +sought for. Trevanion alone testified no consciousness of his entrance, +and appeared totally engrossed by the columns of his newspaper, from +which he never lifted his eyes for an instant. Le Capitaine at length +reached the fire-place, when, no sooner did he behold his accustomed seat +in the possession of another, than he absolutely started back with +surprise and anger. + +What might have been his first impulse it is hard to say, for, as the +blood rushed to his face and forehead, he clenched his hands firmly, and +seemed for an instant, as he eyed the stranger, like a tiger about to +spring upon its victim; this was but for a second, for turning rapidly +round towards his party, he gave them a look of peculiar meaning, showing +two rows of white teeth, with a grin which seemed to say, "I have taken +my line;" and he had done so. He now ordered the waiter, in a voice of +thunder, to bring him a chair, this he took roughly from him, and placed, +with a crash, upon the floor, exactly opposite that of Trevanion, and +still so near as scarcely to permit of his sitting down upon it. The +noisy vehemence of this action at last appeared to have roused +Trevanion's attention, for he now, for the first time, looked up from his +paper, and quietly regarded his vis-a-vis. There could not in the world +be a stronger contrast to the bland look and courteous expression of +Trevanion's handsome features, than the savage scowl of the enraged +Frenchman, in whose features the strong and ill-repressed workings of +passion were twitching and distorting every lineament and line; indeed no +words could ever convey one half so forcibly as did that look, insult +--open, palpable, deep, determined insult. + +Trevanion, whose eyes had been merely for a moment lifted from his +paper, again fell, and he appeared to take no notice whatever of the +extraordinary proximity of the Frenchman, still less of the savage and +insulting character of his looks. + +Le Capitaine, having thus failed to bring on the eclaircissement he +sought for, proceeded to accomplish it by other means; for, taking the +lamp, by the light of which Trevanion was still reading, he placed it at +his side of the table, and at the same instant stretching across his arm, +he plucked the newspaper from his hand, giving at the same moment a +glance of triumph towards the bystanders, as though he would say, "you +see what he must submit to." Words cannot describe the astonishment of +the British officers, as they beheld Trevanion, under this gross and open +insult, content himself by a slight smile and half bow, as if returning +a courtesy, and then throw his eyes downward, as if engaged in deep +thought, while the triumphant sneer of the French, at this unaccountable +conduct, was absolutely maddening to them to endure. + +But their patience was destined to submit to stronger proof, for at this +instant le Capitaine stretched forth one enormous leg, cased in his +massive jack-boot, and with a crash deposited the heel upon the foot of +their friend Trevanion. At length he is roused, thought they, for a +slight flush of crimson flitted across his cheek, and his upper lip +trembled with a quick spasmodic twitching; but both these signs were over +in a second, and his features were as calm and unmoved as before, and his +only appearance of consciousness of the affront, was given by his drawing +back his chair and placing his legs beneath it, as for protection. + +This last insult, and the tame forbearance with which it was submitted +to, produced all their opposite effects upon the by-standers, and +looks of ungovernable rage and derisive contempt were every moment +interchanging; indeed, were it not for the all-absorbing interest which +the two great actors in the scene had concentrated upon themselves, the +two parties must have come at once into open conflict. + +The clock of the cafe struck nine, the hour at which Gendemar always +retired, so calling to the waiter for his petit verre of brandy, he +placed his newspaper upon the table, and putting both his elbows upon it, +and his chin upon his hands, he stared full in Trevanion's face, with a +look of the most derisive triumph, meant to crown the achievement of the +evening. To this, as to all his former insults, Trevanion appeared still +insensible, and merely regarded him with his never--changing half smile; +the petite verre arrived; le Capitaine took it in his hand, and, with a +nod of most insulting familiarity, saluted Trevanion, adding with a loud +voice, so as to be heard on every side--"a votre courage, Anglais." He +had scarcely swallowed the liqueur when Trevanion rose slowly from his +chair, displaying to the astonished gaze of the Frenchman the immense +proportions and gigantic frame of a man well known as the largest officer +in the British army; with one stride he was beside the chair of the +Frenchman, and with the speed of lightening he seized his nose by one +hand, while with the other he grasped his lower jaw, and, wrenching open +his mouth with the strength of an ogre, he spat down his throat. + +So sudden was the movement, that before ten seconds had elapsed, all was +over, and the Frenchman rushed from the room, holding the fragments of +his jaw-bone, (for it was fractured!) And followed by his countrymen, +who, from that hour, deserted the Cafe Philidor, nor was there ever any +mention of the famous captain during the stay of the regiment in Paris. + + + + +CHAPTER XXX. + +DIFFICULTIES. + +While we walked together towards Meurice, I explained to Trevanion the +position in which I stood; and having detailed, at full length, the +fracas at the Salon, and the imprisonment of O'Leary, entreated his +assistance in behalf of him, as well as to free me from some of my many +embarrassments. + +It was strange enough--though at first so pre-occupied was I with other +thoughts, that I paid but little attention to it--that no part of my +eventful evening seemed to make so strong an impression on him as my +mention of having seen my cousin Guy, and heard from him of the death of +my uncle. At this portion of my story he smiled, with so much +significance of meaning, that I could not help asking his reason. + +"It is always an unpleasant task, Mr. Lorrequer, to speak in any way, +however delicately, in a tone of disparagement of a man's relatives; and, +therefore, as we are not long enough acquainted--" + +"But pray," said I, "waive that consideration, and only remember the +position in which I now am. If you know any thing of this business, I +entreat you to tell me--I promise to take whatever you may be disposed to +communicate, in the same good part it is intended." + +"Well, then, I believe you are right; but, first, let me ask you, how do +you know of your uncle's death; for I have reason to doubt it?" + +"From Guy; he told me himself." + +"When did you see him, and where?" + +"Why, I have just told you; I saw him last night at the Salon." + +"And you could not be mistaken?" + +"Impossible! Besides, he wrote to me a note which I received this +morning--here it is." + +"Hem--ha. Well, are you satisfied that this is his handwriting?" said +Trevanion, as he perused the note slowly twice over. + +"Why, of course--but stop--you are right; it is not his hand, nor do I +know the writing, now that you direct my attention to it. But what can +that mean? You, surely, do not suppose that I have mistaken any one for +him; for, independent of all else, his knowledge of my family, and my +uncle's affairs, would quite disprove that." + +"This is really a complex affair," said Trevanion, musingly. "How long +may it be since you saw your cousin--before last night, I mean?" + +"Several years; above six, certainly." + +"Oh, it is quite possible, then," said Trevanion, musingly; "do you know, +Mr. Lorrequer, this affair seems much more puzzling to me than to you, +and for this plain reason--I am disposed to think you never saw your +cousin last night." + +"Why, confound it, there is one circumstance that I think may satisfy you +on that head. You will not deny that I saw some one, who very much +resembled him; and certainly, as he lent me above three thousand franks +to play with at the table, it looks rather more like his act than that of +a perfect stranger." + +"Have you got the money?" asked Trevanion dryly. + +"Yes," said I; "but certainly you are the most unbelieving of mortals, +and I am quite happy that I have yet in my possession two of the billets +de banque, for, I suppose, without them, you would scarcely credit me." +I here opened my pocket-book, and produced the notes. + +He took them, examined them attentively for an instant, held them between +him and the light, refolded them, and, having placed them in my +pocket-book, said--"I thought as much--they are forgeries." + +"Hold!" said I, "my cousin Guy, whatever wildness he may have committed, +is yet totally incapable of--" + +"I never said the contrary, replied Trevanion, in the same dry tone as +before. + +"Then what can you mean, for I see no alternative between that and +totally discrediting the evidence of my senses?" + +"Perhaps I can suggest a middle course," said Trevanion; "lend me, +therefore, a patient hearing for a few moments, and I may be able to +throw some light upon this difficult matter. You may never have heard +that there is, in this same city of Paris, a person so extremely like +your cousin Guy, that his most intimate friends have daily mistaken one +for the other, and this mistake has the more often been made, from the +circumstances of their both being in the habit of frequenting the same +class in society, where, knowing and walking with the same people, the +difficulty of discriminating has been greatly increased. This +individual, who has too many aliases for one to know which to +particularise him by, is one of that numerous order of beings whom a +high state of civilization is always engendering and throwing up on the +surface of society; he is a man of low birth and mean connexions, but +gifted with most taking manners and an unexceptionable address and +appearance; these advantages, and the possession of apparently +independent means, have opened to him the access to a certain set of +people, who are well known and well received in society, and obtained for +him, what he prizes much more, the admission into several clubs where +high play is carried on. In this mixed assemblage, which sporting habits +and gambling, (that grand leveller of all distinctions,) have brought +together, this man and your cousin Guy met frequently, and, from the +constant allusion to the wonderful resemblance between them, your +eccentric cousin, who, I must say, was never too select in his +acquaintances, frequently amused himself by practical jokes upon their +friends, which served still more to nurture the intimacy between them; +and from this habit, Mr. Dudley Morewood, for such is his latest +patronymic, must have enjoyed frequent opportunities of hearing much of +your family and relations, a species of information he never neglected, +though at the moment it might appear not so immediately applicable to his +purposes. Now, this man, who knows of every new English arrival in +Paris, with as much certainty as the police itself, would at once be +aware of your being here, and having learned from Guy how little +intercourse there had been of late years between you, would not let slip +an opportunity of availing himself of the likeness, if any thing could +thereby turn to his profit." + +"Stop," cried I; "you have opened my eyes completely, for now I remember +that, as I continued to win last night, this man, who was playing hazard +at another table, constantly borrowed from me, but always in gold, +invariably refusing the billets de banque as too high for his game." + +"There his object was clear enough; for besides obtaining your gold, he +made you the means of disseminating his false billets de banque." + +"So that I have been actually playing and winning upon this fellow's +forgeries," said I; "and am perhaps at this very instant inscribed in the +'Livre noir' of the police, as a most accomplished swindler; but what +could be the intention of his note of this morning?" + +"As to that," said Trevanion, "it is hard to say; one thing you may +assuredly rely upon--it is not an unnecessary epistle, whatever be its +object; he never wastes his powder when the game flies too high; so we +must only wait patiently for the unravelment of his plans, satisfied that +we, at least, know something. What most surprises me is, his venturing, +at present, to appear in public; for it is not above two months since an +escapade of his attracted so much attention of the play world here, that +he was obliged to leave, and it was supposed that he would never return +to Paris." + +"One piece of good fortune there is at least," said I, "which, I can +safely say repays me for any and all the annoyance this unhappy affair +may cause me; it is, that my poor old uncle is still alive and well. +Not all my anticipated pleasures, in newly acquired wealth, could have +afforded me the same gratification that this fact does, for, although +never so much his favourite as my cousin, yet the sense of protection +--the feeling of confidence, which is inseparable from the degree of +relationship between us--standing, as he has ever done, in the light +of a father to me, is infinitely more pleasurable than the possession of +riches, which must ever suggest to me, the recollection of a kind friend +lost to me for ever. But so many thoughts press on me--so many effects +of this affair are staring me in the face--I really know not which way to +turn, nor can I even collect my ideas sufficiently, to determine what is +first to be done." + +"Leave all that to me," said Trevanion; "it is a tangled web, but I think +I can unravel it; meanwhile, where does the Militaire reside? for, among +all your pressing engagements, this affair with the Frenchman must come +off first; and for this reason, although you are not really obliged to +give him satisfaction, by his merely producing your card, and insisting +that you are to be responsible for the misdeeds of any one who might show +it as his own address, yet I look upon it as a most fortunate thing, +while charges so heavy may be at this moment hanging over your head, as +the proceedings of last night involve, that you have a public opportunity +of meeting an antagonist in the field--thereby evincing no fear of +publicity, nor any intention of absconding; for be assured, that the +police are at this moment in possession of what has occurred, and from +the fracas which followed, are well disposed to regard the whole as a +concerted scheme to seize upon the property of the banque, a not uncommon +wind-up here after luck fails. My advice is therefore, meet the man at +once; I shall take care that the prefect is informed that you have been +imposed upon by a person passing himself off as your relative, and enter +bail for your appearance, whenever you are called upon; that being done, +we shall have time for a moment's respite to look around us, and consider +the other bearings of this difficult business." + +"Here, then, is the card of address," said I; "Eugene Dejoncourt +Capitaine de Cavalerie, No. 8, Chausse D'Antin." + +"Dejoncourt! why, confound it, this is not so pleasant; he is about the +best shot in Paris, and a very steady swordsman besides, I don't like +this." + +"But you forget he is the friend, not the principal here." + +"The more good fortune yours," said Trevanion, drily; "for I acknowledge +I should not give much for your chance at twenty paces opposite his +pistol; then who is the other?" + +"Le Baron d'Haulpenne," said I, "and his name is all that I know of him; +his very appearance is unknown to me." + +"I believe I am acquainted with him," said Trevanion; "but here we are at +Meurice. Now I shall just write a few lines to a legal friend, who will +manage to liberate Mr. O'Leary, whose services we shall need, two persons +are usual on each side in this country, and then, 'a l'ouvrage.'" + +The note written and despatched; Trevanion jumped into a cab, and set out +for the Chausse D'Antin; leaving me to think over, as well as I could, +the mass of trouble and confusion that twenty-four hours of life in Paris +had involved me in. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + +EXPLANATION. + +It was past seven o'clock when Trevanion made his appearance, accompanied +by O'Leary; and having in few words informed me that a meeting was fixed +for the following morning, near St. Cloud, proposed that we should go to +dinner at Verey's, after which we should have plenty of time to discuss +the various steps to be taken. As we were leaving the hotel for this +purpose, a waiter requested of me to permit Mr. Meurice to speak a few +words to me; which, having agreed to, I entered the little bureau where +this Czar of hotels sits enthroned, and what was my surprise to learn the +request he had to prefer, was nothing less than that I would so far +oblige him as to vacate the room I possessed in the hotel, adding that my +compliance would confer upon him the power to accommodate a "milor" who +had written for apartments, and was coming with a large suite of +servants. Suspecting that some rumour of the late affair at Frescati +might have influenced my friend Meurice in this unusual demand, I +abruptly refused, and was about to turn away, when he, perhaps guessing +that I had not believed his statements, handed me an open letter, saying, +"You see, sir, this is the letter; and, as I am so pressed for spare +room, I must now refuse the writer." + +As my eye glanced at the writing, I started back with amazement to +perceive it was in my cousin Guy's hand, requesting that apartments might +be retained for Sir Guy Lorrequer, my uncle, who was to arrive in Paris +by the end of the week. If any doubt had remained on my mind as to the +deception I had been duped by, this would completely have dispelled it, +but I had long before been convinced of the trick, and only wondered how +the false Guy--Mr. Dudley Morewood--had contrived to present himself to +me so opportunely, and by what means, in so short a space of time, he had +become acquainted with my personal appearance. + +As I mentioned this circumstance of the letter to Trevanion, he could not +conceal his satisfaction at his sagacity in unravelling the mystery, +while this new intelligence confirmed the justness and accuracy of all +his explanations. + +While we walked along towards the Palais Royale, Trevanion endeavoured +not very successfully, to explain to my friend O'Leary, the nature of the +trick which had been practised, promising, at another time, some +revelations concerning the accomplished individual who had planned it, +which, in boldness and daring, eclipsed even this. + +Any one who in waking has had the confused memory of a dream in which +events have been so mingled and mixed as to present no uniform narrative, +but only a mass of strange and incongruous occurrences, without object or +connexion, may form some notion of the state of restless excitement my +brain suffered from, as the many and conflicting ideas my late adventures +suggested, presented themselves to my mind in rapid succession. + +The glare, the noise, and the clatter of a French cafe are certainly not +the agents most in request for restoring a man to the enjoyment of his +erring faculties; and, if I felt addled and confused before, I had +scarcely passed the threshold of Verey's when I became absolutely like +one in a trance. The large salon was more than usually crowded, and it +was with difficulty that we obtained a place at a table where some other +English were seated, among whom I recognised by lately made acquaintance, +Mr. Edward Bingham. + +Excepting a cup of coffee I had taken nothing the entire day, and so +completely did my anxieties of different kinds subdue all appetite, that +the most recherche viands of this well-known restaurant did not in the +least tempt me. The champagne alone had any attraction for me; and, +seduced by the icy coldness of the wine, I drank copiously. This was all +that was wanting to complete the maddening confusion of my brain, and the +effect was instantaneous; the lights danced before my eyes; the lustres +whirled round; and, as the scattered fragments of conversations, on +either side met my ear, I was able to form some not very inaccurate +conception of what insanity may be. Politics and literature, Mexican +bonds and Noblet's legs, Pates de perdreaux and the quarantine laws, the +extreme gauche and the "Bains Chinois," Victor Hugo and rouge et noir, +had formed a species of grand ballet d'action in my fevered brain, and I +was perfectly beside myself; occasionally, too, I would revert to my own +concerns, although I was scarcely able to follow up any train of thought +for more than a few seconds together, and totally inadequate to +distinguish the false from the true. I continued to confound the +counterfeit with my cousin, and wonder how my poor uncle, for whom I was +about to put on the deepest mourning, could possibly think of driving me +out of my lodgings. Of my duel for the morning, I had the most shadowy +recollection, and could not perfectly comprehend whether it was O'Leary +or I was the principal, and indeed cared but little. In this happy state +of independent existence I must have passed a considerable time, and as +my total silence when spoken to, or my irrelevant answers, appeared to +have tired out my companions, they left me to the uninterrupted enjoyment +of my own pleasant imaginings. + +"Do you hear, Lorrequer," at last said Trevanion; "are you asleep, my +dear friend? This gentleman has been good enough to invite us to +breakfast to-morrow at St. Cloud." + +I looked up, and was just able to recognise the well-trimmed moustache of +Mr. Edward Bingham, as he stood mumbling something before me. "St. Cloud +--what of St. Cloud?" said I. + +"We have something in that quarter to-morrow." + +"What is it, O'Leary? Can we go?" + +"Oh! certainly--our engagement's an early one." + +"We shall accept your polite invitation with pleasure"-- + +Here he stooped over, and whispered something in my ear; what, I cannot +say, but I know that my reply, now equally lost to me, produced a hearty +fit of laughing to my two friends. + +My next recollection is, finding myself in a crowded loge at the theatre. +It seems that O'Leary had acceded to a proposal from some of the other +party to accompany them to the Porte St. Martin, where Mrs. Bingham and +her daughter had engaged a box. Amid all the confusion which troubled +thoughts and wine produced in me, I could not help perceiving a studied +politeness and attention on the part of Mr. Edward Bingham towards me; +and my first sobering reflection came, on finding that a place was +reserved for me beside Miss Bingham, into which, by some contrivance I +can in no wise explain, I found myself almost immediately installed. To +all the excitements of champagne and punch, let the attractions of a +French ballet be added, and, with a singularly pretty companion at your +side, to whom you have already made sufficient advances to be aware that +you are no longer indifferent to her, and I venture to predict, that it +is much more likely your conversation will incline to flirting than +political economy; and, moreover, that you make more progress during the +performance of one single pas de deux upon the stage, than you have +hitherto done in ten morning calls, with an unexceptionable whisker and +the best fitting gloves in Paris. Alas! alas! it is only the rich man +that ever wins at rouge et noir. The well-insured Indiaman, with her +cargo of millions, comes safe into port; while the whole venture of some +hardy veteran of the wave, founders within sight of his native shore. So +is it ever; where success would be all and every thing, it never comes +--but only be indifferent or regardless, and fortune is at your feet, +suing and imploring your acceptance of her favours. What would I not +have given for one half of that solicitude now so kindly expressed in my +favour by Miss Bingham, if syllabled by the lips of Lady Jane Callonby +--how would my heart have throbbed for one light smile from one, while I +ungratefully basked in the openly avowed preference of the other. These +were my first thoughts--what were the succeeding ones? + +"Comment elle est belle," said a Frenchwoman, turning round in the box +next to us, and directing at the same moment the eyes of a moustached +hero upon my fair companion. + +What a turn to my thoughts did this unexpected ejaculation give rise to! +I now began to consider her more attentively, and certainly concurred +fully in the Frenchwoman's verdict. I had never see her look half so +well before. The great fault in her features, which were most +classically regular, lay in the monotony and uniform character of their +expression. Now this was quite changed. Her cheek was slightly flushed, +and her eyes more brilliant than ever; while her slightly parted lips +gave a degree of speaking earnestness to her expression, that made her +perfectly beautiful. + +Whether it was from this cause I cannot say, but I certainly never felt +so suddenly decided in my life from one course to its very opposite, as I +now did to make l'aimable to my lovely companion. And here, I fear, I +must acknowledge, in the honesty of these confessional details, that +vanity had also its share in the decision. To be the admitted and +preferred suitor of the prettiest woman in company, is generally a strong +inducement to fall desperately in love with her, independently of other +temptations for so doing. + +How far my successes tallied with my good intentions in this respect, I +cannot now say. I only remember, that more than once O'Leary whispered +to me something like a caution of some sort or other; but Emily's +encouraging smiles and still more encouraging speeches had far more +effect upon me than all the eloquence of the united service, had it been +engaged in my behalf, would have effected. Mrs. Bingham, too--who, to do +her justice, seemed but little cognisant of our proceedings--from time to +time evinced that species of motherly satisfaction which very young men +rejoice much in, and older ones are considerably alarmed at. + +The play over O'Leary charged himself with the protection of madam, +while I enveloped Emily in her cachmere, and drew her arm within my own. +What my hand had to do with her's I know not; it remains one of the +unexplained difficulties of that eventful evening. I have, it is true, +a hazy recollection of pressing some very taper and delicately formed +finger--and remember, too, the pain I felt next morning on awaking, by +the pressure of a too tight ring, which had, by some strange accident, +found its way to my finger, for which its size was but ill adapted. + +"You will join us at supper, I hope," said Mrs. Bingham, as Trevanion +handed her to her carriage. "Mr. Lorrequer, Mr. O'Leary, we shall expect +you." + +I was about to promise to do so, when Trevanion, suddenly interrupted +me, saying that he had already accepted an invitation, which would, +unfortunately, prevent us; and having hastily wished the ladies good +night, hurried me away so abruptly, that I had not a moment given for +even one parting look at the fair Emily. + +"Why, Trevanion," said I, "what invitation are you dreaming of? I, for +one, should have been delighted to have gone home with the Binghams." + +"So I perceived," said Trevanion, gravely; "and it was for that precise +reason I so firmly refused what, individually, I should have been most +happy to accept." + +"Then, pray, have the goodness to explain." + +"It is easily done. You have already, in recounting your manifold +embarrassments, told me enough of these people, to let me see that they +intend you should marry among them; and, indeed, you have gone quite far +enough to encourage such an expectation. Your present excited state has +led you sufficiently far this evening, and I could not answer for your +not proposing in all form before the supper was over; therefore, I had no +other course open to me than positively to refuse Mrs. Bingham's +invitation. But here we are now at the 'Cadran rouge;' we shall have our +lobster and a glass of Moselle, and then to bed, for we must not forget +that we are to be at St. Cloud by seven." + +"Ah! that is a good thought of yours about the lobster," said O'Leary; +"and now, as you understand these matters, just order supper, and let us +enjoy ourselves." + +With all the accustomed despatch of a restaurant, a most appetizing petit +souper made its speedy appearance; and although now perfectly divested of +the high excitement which had hitherto possessed me, my spirits were +excellent, and I never more relished our good fare and good fellowship. + +After a full bumper to the health of the fair Emily had been proposed and +drained by all three, Trevanion again explained how much more serious +difficulty would result from any false step in that quarter than from all +my other scrapes collectively. + +This he represented so strongly, that for the first time I began to +perceive the train of ill consequences that must inevitably result, and +promised most faithfully to be guided by any counsel he might feel +disposed to give me. + +"Ah! what a pity," said O'Leary, "it is not my case. It's very little +trouble it would cost any one to break off a match for me. I had always +a most peculiar talent for those things. + +"Indeed!" said Trevanion. "Pray, may we know your secret? for, perhaps, +ere long we may have occasion for its employment." + +"Tell it, by all means," said I. + +"If I do," said O'Leary, "it will cost you a patient hearing; for my +experiences are connected with two episodes in my early life, which, +although not very amusing, are certainly instructive." + +"Oh! by all means, let us hear them," said Trevanion; "for we have yet +two bottles of chambertin left, and must finish them ere we part." + +"Well, agreed," said O'Leary; "only, once for all, as what I am about to +confide is strictly confidential, you must promise never even to allude +to it hereafter in even the most remote manner, much less indulge in any +unseemly mirth at what I shall relate." + +Having pledged ourselves to secrecy and a becoming seriousness, O'Leary +began his story as follows:-- + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + +MR. O'LEARY'S FIRST LOVE. + +"It was during the vice-royalty of the late Duke of Richmond that the +incidents I am about to mention took place. That was a few years since, +and I was rather younger, and a little more particular about my dress +than at present." Here the little man cast an eye of stoical +satisfaction upon his uncouth habiliments, that nearly made us forget our +compact, and laugh outright. "Well, in those wild and headstrong days of +youthful ardour, I fell in love--desperately in love--and as always is, I +believe, the case with our early experiments in that unfortunate passion, +the object of my affection was in every way unsuited to me. She was a +tall, dark-haired, dark-eyed maiden, with a romantic imagination, and a +kind of a half-crazed poetic fervour, that often made me fear for her +intellect. I'm a short, rather fat--I was always given this way"--here +he patted a waistcoat that would fit Dame Lambert--"happy-minded little +fellow, that liked my supper of oysters at the Pigeon-house, and my other +creature-comforts, and hated every thing that excited or put one out of +one's way, just as I would have hated a blister. Then, the devil would +have it--for as certainly as marriages are made in heaven, flirtations +have something to say to the other place--that I should fall most +irretrievably in love with Lady Agnes Moreton. Bless my soul, it +absolutely puts me in a perspiration this hot day, just to think over all +I went through on her account; for, strange to say, the more I appeared +to prosper in her good graces, the more did she exact on my part; the +pursuit was like Jacob's ladder--if it did lead to heaven it was +certainly an awfully long journey, and very hard on one's legs. There +was not an amusement she could think of, no matter how unsuited to my +tastes or my abilities, that she did not immediately take a violent fancy +to; and then there was no escaping, and I was at once obliged to go with +the tide, and heaven knows if it would not have carried me to my grave if +it were not for the fortunate (I now call it) accident that broke off the +affair for ever. One time she took a fancy for yachting, and all the +danglers about her--and she always had a cordon of them--young +aides-de-camp of her father the general, and idle hussars, in clanking +sabertasches and most absurd mustachios--all approved of the taste, and +so kept filling her mind with anecdotes of corsairs and smugglers, that +at last nothing would satisfy her till I--I who always would rather have +waited for low water, and waded the Liffey in all its black mud, than +cross over in the ferry-boat, for fear of sickness--I was obliged to put +an advertisement in the newspaper for a pleasure-boat, and, before three +weeks, saw myself owner of a clinker-built schooner, of forty-eight tons, +that by some mockery of fortune was called 'The Delight.' I wish you saw +me, as you might have done every morning for about a month, as I stood on +the Custom-house quay, giving orders for the outfit of the little craft. +At first, as she bobbed and pitched with the flood-tide, I used to be a +little giddy and rather qualmish, but at last I learned to look on +without my head reeling. I began to fancy myself very much of a sailor, +a delusion considerably encouraged by a huge P. jacket and a sou'-wester, +both of which, though it was in the dog-days, Agnes insisted upon my +wearing, saying I looked more like Dirk Hatteraick, who, I understood, +was one of her favourite heroes in Walter Scott. In fact, after she +suggested this, she and all her friends called me nothing but Dirk. + +"Well, at last, after heaven knows how many excuses on my part, and +entreaties for delay, a day was appointed for our first excursion. I +shall never forget that day--the entire night before it I did not close +my eyes; the skipper had told me in his confounded sea-jargon, that if +the wind was in one quarter we should have a short tossing sea; and if in +another a long rolling swell; and if in a third, a happy union of both +--in fact, he made it out that it could not possibly blow right, an +opinion I most heartily coincided in, and most devoutly did I pray for a +calm, that would not permit of our stirring from our moorings, and thus +mar our projected party of pleasure. My prayer was unheard, but my hopes +rose on the other hand, for it blew tremendously during the entire night, +and although there was a lull towards morning, the sea, even in the +river, was considerable. + +"I had just come to the conclusion that I was safe for this time, when +the steward poked his head into the room and said, + +"'Mr. Brail wishes to know, sir, if he'll bend the new mainsail to-day, +as it's blowing rather fresh, and he thinks the spars light.' + +"'Why the devil take him, he would not have us go out in a hurricane; +surely, Pipes, we could not take out ladies to-day?' + +"'O, bless your heart, yes, sir; it blows a bit to be sure, but she's a +good sea-boat, and we can run for Arklow or the Hook, if it comes +fresher.' + +"'Oh, nonsense, there's no pleasure in that; besides I'm sure they won't +like it--the ladies won't venture, you'll see.' + +"'Ay sir, but they're all on board already: there's eight ladies in the +cabin, and six on deck, and as many hampers of victuals and as much +crockery as if we were a-goin' to Madeira. Captain Grantham, sir, the +soldier officer, with the big beard, is a mixing punch in the grog-tub.' + +"'From the consequences of this day I proclaim myself innocent,' said I +with a solemn voice, as I drew on my duck trowsers, and prepared to set +out. + +"'And the mainsail, sir,' said the steward, not understanding what I +said. + +"'I care not which,' said I, doggedly; 'act or part in this wilful +proceeding I'll not take.' + +"'Ay, ay, sir,' said the stupid wretch, 'then I'll say you're coming, and +he may stretch the large canvas; for the skipper says he likes a wet +jacket when he has gentlemen out.' + +"Never did a victim put on a flame-coloured garment, the emblem of fate, +and set out on the march of death, with a heavier heart, than did I put +on my pilot-coat that morning to join my friends. + +"My last hope deserted me as I saw the little vessel lying beside the +quay; for I continued to trust that in getting out from the dock some +accident or mischance might occur to spoil our sport. But no; there she +lay, rolling and pitching in such a way that, even at anchor, they could +not stand on the deck without holding. Amid the torrent of compliments +for the perfection of all my arrangements, and innumerable sweet things +on my taste in the decoration and fitting up of my cabin, I scarcely felt +myself afloat for some minutes, and we got under weigh amid a noise and +uproar that absolutely prevented the possibility of thought. + +"Hitherto our destination had not been mentioned, and as all the party +appealed to Lady Agnes, I could not be less gallant, and joined them in +their request. + +"'Well then, what do you think of Lambay?' said she, looking at the same +moment towards the skipper. + +"'We can make it, my lady,' said the man, 'but we'll have a roughish sea +of it, for there's a strong point of westward in the wind.' + +"'Then don't think of it,' said I. 'We have come out for pleasure, not +to make our friends sick, or terrify them. It does very well for us +men.' + +"'There you are, Dirk, with your insolent sneers about women's nerves and +female cowardice. Now, nothing but Lambay will content me--what say you, +ladies?' + +"A general reply of approval met this speech, and it was carried by +acclamation. + +"'Lambay then be it,' said I, with the voice of a man, who, entreating to +be shot, is informed that he cannot be afforded that pleasure, as his +sentence is to be hanged. But I must hasten over these painful +recollections. We dropped down the river, and soon left the light-house +and its long pier behind us, the mast bending like a whip, and the sea +boiling like barm over the lee gunwale. Still the spirit of our party +only rose the lighter, and nothing but eulogies upon the men and sailing +of the craft resounded on all sides; the din and buz of the conversation +went on only more loudly and less restrictedly than if the party had been +on shore, and all, even myself, seemed happy, for up to this moment I had +not been sea-sick, yet certain pleasant sensations, that alternately +evinced themselves in my stomach and my head, warned me of what was in +store for me. The word was now given to tack; I was in the act of +essaying a soft speech to Lady Agnes, when the confounded cry of 'ready +about, starboard there, let go sheets and tacks, stand by, hawl.' The +vessel plunged head-foremost into the boiling sea, which hissed on either +bow; the heavy boom swung over, carrying my hat along with it--and almost +my head too. The rest of the party, possibly better informed than +myself, speedily changed their places to the opposite side of the boat, +while I remained holding off fast by the gunwale, till the sea rushing +over, what was now becoming the lee-side, carried me head over heels into +the shingle ballast in the waist. Lord, how they did laugh! Agnes, too, +who never before could get beyond a very faint smile, grew almost +hysterical at my performance. As for me, I only wanted this to complete +my long threatened misfortune; sea sickness in all its most miserable +forms, set in upon me, and, ere half an hour, I lay upon that heap of +small stones, as indifferent to all round and about me as though I were +dead. Oh, the long, dreary hours of that melancholy day; it seemed like +a year. They tacked and tacked, they were beat and tacked again, the sea +washing over me, and the ruffianly sailors trampling upon me without the +slightest remorse, whenever they had any occasion to pass back or +forward. From my long trance of suffering I was partly roused by the +steward shaking my shoulder, saying, + +"'The gentlemen wish to know, sir, if you'd like summat to eat, as +they're a goin' to have a morsel; we are getting into slack water now.' + +"'Where are we?' I replied, in a sepulchral voice. + +"'Off the Hook, sir; we have had a most splendid run, but I fear we'll +catch it soon; there's some dirty weather to the westward.' + +"'God grant it,' said I, piously and in a low tone. + +"'Did you say you'd have a bit to eat. Sir?' + +"'No!--eat!--am I a cannibal?--eat--go away--mark me, my good fellow, +I'll pay you your wages, if ever we get ashore; you'll never set another +foot aboard with me.' + +"The man looked perfectly astounded as he moved away, and my thoughts +were soon engrossed by the proceedings near me. The rattle of knives, +and the jingling of plates and glasses went on very briskly for some +time, accompanied by various pleasant observations of my guests, for such +I judged them, from the mirth which ever followed them. At last I +thought I heard my name, or at least what they pleased to use as its +substitute, mentioned; I strained my ears to listen, and learnt that they +were planning to talk over the pretended intention to run for Cowes, and +see the regatta. This they discussed then, for about twenty minutes, in +a very loud voice, purposely to see its effects upon me; but as I was now +aware of the trick, I gave no sign of any intelligence. + +"'Poor Dirk,' said Grantham; 'I believe by this time he cares very little +which way her head lies; but here comes something better than all our +discussions. Lady Agnes, sit here--Miss Pelham, here's a dry cushion for +you--did you say a wing, Lady Mary?' + +"Now began the crash and clatter of dinner; champagne corks popping, +glasses ringing, and all that peculiar admixture of fracas and fun, which +accompanies a scrambled meal. How they did laugh, and eat, ay, and drink +too. G's punch seemed to have its success, for sick as I was, I could +perceive the voices of the men grow gradually louder, and discovered that +two gentlemen who had been remarkably timid in the morning, and scarcely +opened their lips, were now rather uproariously given, and one even +proposed to sing. + +"If any man, thought I, were to look for an instant at the little scene +now enacting here, what a moral might he reap from it; talk of the base +ingratitude of the world, you cannot say too much of it. Who would +suppose that it was my boat these people were assembled in; that it was +my champagne these people were drinking; that my venison and my pheasants +were feeding those lips, which rarely spoke, except to raise a jest at my +expense. My chagrin increased my sickness and my sickness redoubled my +chagrin. + +"'Mr. Brail,' said I, in a low whisper, 'Mr. Brail.' + +"'Did you speak, sir?' said he, with about as much surprise in his +manner, as though he had been addressed by a corpse. + +"'Mr. Brail,' said I, 'is there any danger here?' + +"'Lord love you, no, sir, she's walking Spanish, and the sea going down; +we shall have lovely weather, and they're all enjoying it, sir,--the +ladies.' + +"'So I perceive,' said I, with a groan; 'so I perceive; but Mr. Brail, +could you do nothing--just to--to startle them a little, I mean for fun +only? Just ship a heavy sea or two, I don't care for a little damage, +Mr. Brail, and if it were to wash over the dinner-service, and all the +wine, I should not like it worse.' + +"'Why, sir, you are getting quite funny, the sickness is going.' + +"'No, Mr. Brail, worse than ever; my head is in two pieces, and my +stomach in the back of my mouth; but I should like you to do this--so +just manage it, will you, and there's twenty pounds in my pocket-book, +you can have it; there now, won't you oblige me, and hark ye, Mr. Brail +--if Captain Grantham were to be washed over by mere accident it cannot +be helped; accidents are always occurring in boating parties. Go now, +you know what I mean.' + +"'But sir,' began he. + +"'Well, then, Mr. Brail, you won't--very well: now all I have to say is +this: that the moment I can find strength to do it, I'll stave out a +plank; I'll scuttle the vessel, that's all; I have made up my mind, and +look to yourselves now.' + +"Saying these words, I again threw myself upon the ballast, and, as the +gay chorus of a drinking song was wafted across me, prayed devoutly that +we might all go down to the bottom. The song over, I heard a harsh, +gruff voice mixing with the more civilized tones of the party, and soon +perceived that Mr. Brail was recounting my proposal amid the most +uproarious shouts of laughter I ever listened to. Then followed a number +of pleasant suggestions for my future management; one proposing to have +me tried for mutiny, and sentenced to a ducking over the side, another +that I should be tarred on my back, to which latter most humane notion, +the fair Agnes subscribed, averring that she was resolved upon my +deserving my sobriquet of Dirk Hatteraick. My wrath was now the master +even of deadly sickness. I got upon my knees, and having in vain tried +to reach my legs, I struggled aft. In this posture did I reach the +quarter-deck. What my intention precisely was in this excursion, I have +no notion of now, but I have some very vague idea, that I meant to +re-enact the curse of Kehama upon the whole party. At last I mustered +strength to rise; but alas! I had scarcely reached the standing position, +when a tremendous heel of the boat to one side, threw me in the gunwale, +and before I was able to recover my balance, a second lurch pitched me +headlong into the sea. I have, thank God, no further recollection of my +misfortunes. When I again became conscious, I found myself wrapped up in +a pilot-coat, while my clothes were drying: the vessel was at anchor in +Wexford. My attached friends had started for town with post-horses, +leaving me no less cured of love than aquatics. + +"'The Delight' passed over in a few days, to some more favoured son of +Neptune, and I hid my shame and my misfortunes by a year's tour on the +continent." + +"Although I acknowledge," said Trevanion, "that hitherto I have reaped no +aid from Mr. O'Leary's narrative, yet I think it is not without a moral." + +"Well, but," said I, "he has got another adventure to tell us; we have +quite time for it, so pray pass the wine and let us have it." + +"I have just finished the burgundy," said O'Leary, "and if you will ring +for another flask, I have no objection to let you hear the story of my +second love." + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + +MR. O'LEARY'S SECOND LOVE. + +"You may easily suppose," began Mr. O'Leary, "that the unhappy +termination of my first passion served as a shield to me for a long time +against my unfortunate tendencies towards the fair; and such was really +the case. I never spoke to a young lady for three years after, without a +reeling in my head, so associated in my mind was love and sea-sickness. +However, at last what will not time do. It was about four years from the +date of this adventure, when I became so, from oblivion of my former +failure, as again to tempt my fortune. My present choice, in every way +unlike the last, was a gay, lively girl, of great animal spirits, and a +considerable turn for raillery, that spared no one; the members of her +own family were not even sacred in her eyes; and her father, a reverend +dean, as frequently figured among the ludicrous as his neighbours. + +"The Evershams had been very old friends of a rich aunt of mine, who +never, by the by, had condescended to notice me till I made their +acquaintance; but no sooner had I done so, than she sent for me, and gave +me to understand that in the event of my succeeding to the hand of Fanny +Eversham, I should be her heir, and the possessor of about sixty thousand +pounds. She did not stop here; but by canvassing the dean in my favour, +speedily put the matter on a most favourable footing, and in less than +two months I was received as the accepted suitor of the fair Fanny, then +one of the reigning belles of Dublin. + +"They lived at this time about three miles from town, in a very pretty +country, where I used to pass all my mornings, and many of my evenings +too, in a state of happiness that I should have considered perfect, if +it were not for two unhappy blots--one, the taste of my betrothed for +laughing at her friends; another the diabolical propensity to talk +politics of my intended father-in-law--to the former I could submit; but +with the latter, submission only made bad worse; for he invariably drew +up as I receded, drily observing that with men who had no avowed +opinions, it was ill agreeing; or that, with persons who kept their +politics as a school-boy does his pocket-money, never to spend, and +always ready to change, it was unpleasant to dispute. Such taunts as +these I submitted to as well as I might; secretly resolving, that as I +now knew the meaning of whig and tory, I'd contrive to spend my life, +after marriage, out of the worthy dean's diocese. + +"Time wore on, and at length, to my most pressing solicitations, it was +conceded that a day for our marriage should be appointed. Not even the +unlucky termination of this my second love affair can deprive me of the +happy souvenir of the few weeks which were to intervene before our +destined union. + +"The mornings were passed in ransacking all the shops where wedding +finery could be procured--laces, blondes, velvets, and satins, littered +every corner of the deanery--and there was scarcely a carriage in a +coach-maker's yard in the city that I had not sat and jumped in, to try +the springs, by the special directions of Mrs. Eversham; who never ceased +to impress me with the awful responsibility I was about to take upon me, +in marrying so great a prize as her daughter--a feeling I found very +general among many of my friends at the Kildare-street club. + +"Among the many indispensable purchases which I was to make, and about +which Fanny expressed herself more than commonly anxious, was a +saddle-horse for me. She was a great horsewoman, and hated riding with +only a servant; and had given me to understand as much about half-a-dozen +times each day for the last five weeks. How shall I acknowledge it +--equestrianism was never my forte. I had all my life considerable +respect for the horse as an animal, pretty much as I dreaded a lion or a +tiger; but as to my intention of mounting upon the back of one, and +taking a ride, I should as soon have dreamed of taking an airing upon a +giraffe; and as to the thought of buying, feeding, and maintaining such a +beast at my own proper cost, I should just as soon have determined to +purchase a pillory or a ducking-stool, by way of amusing my leisure +hours. + +"However, Fanny was obstinate--whether she suspected any thing or not I +cannot say--but nothing seemed to turn her from her purpose; and although +I pleaded a thousand things in delay, yet she each day grew more +impatient, and at last I saw that there was nothing for it but to submit. + +"When I arrived at this last and bold resolve, I could not help feeling +that to possess a horse and not be able to mount him, was only deferring +the ridicule; and as I had so often expressed the difficulty I felt in +suiting myself as a cause of my delay, I could not possibly come forward +with any thing very objectionable, or I should be only the more laughed +at. There was then but one course to take; a fortnight still intervened +before the day which was to make me happy, and I accordingly resolved to +take lessons in riding during the intervals, and by every endeavour in my +power become, if possible, able to pass muster on the saddle before my +bride. + +"Poor old Lalouette understood but little of the urgency of the case, +when I requested his leave to take my lessons each morning at six +o'clock, for I dared not absent myself during the day without exciting +suspicion; and never, I will venture to assert, did knight-errant of old +strive harder for the hand of his lady-love than did I during that weary +fortnight, if a hippogriff had been the animal I bestrode, instead of +being, as it was, an old wall-eyed grey, I could not have felt more +misgivings at my temerity, or more proud of my achievement. In the first +three days the unaccustomed exercise proved so severe, that when I +reached the deanery I could hardly move, and crossed the floor, pretty +much as a pair of compasses might be supposed to do if performing that +exploit. Nothing, however, could equal the kindness of my poor dear +mother-in-law in embryo, and even the dean too. Fanny, indeed, said +nothing; but I rather think she was disposed to giggle a little; but my +rheumatism, as it was called, was daily inquired after, and I was +compelled to take some infernal stuff in my port wine at dinner that +nearly made me sick at table. + +"'I am sure you walk too much,' said Fanny, with one of her knowing +looks. 'Papa, don't you think he ought to ride; it would be much better +for him.' + +"'I do, my dear,' said the dean. 'But then you see he is so hard to be +pleased in a horse. Your old hunting days have spoiled you; but you must +forget Melton and Grantham, and condescend to keep a hack.' + +"I must have looked confoundedly foolish here, for Fanny never took her +eyes off me, and continued to laugh in her own wicked way. + +"It was now about the ninth or tenth day of my purgatorial performances; +and certainly if there be any merit in fleshly mortifications, these +religious exercises of mine should stand my part hereafter. A review had +been announced in the Phoenix-park, which Fanny had expressed herself +most desirous to witness; and as the dean would not permit her to go +without a chaperon, I had no means of escape, and promised to escort her. +No sooner had I made this rash pledge, than I hastened to my confidential +friend, Lalouette, and having imparted to him my entire secret, asked him +in a solemn and imposing manner, 'Can I do it?' The old man shook his +head dubiously, looked grave, and muttered at length, 'Mosch depend on de +horse.' 'I know it--I know it--I feel it,' said I eagerly--'then where +are we to find an animal that will carry me peaceably through this awful +day--I care not for his price?' + +"'Votre affaire ne sera pas trop chere,' said he. + +"'Why. How do you mean?' said I. + +"He then proceeded to inform me, that by a singularly fortunate chance, +there took place that day an auction of 'cast horses,' as they are +termed, which had been used in the horse police force; and that from long +riding, and training to stand fire, nothing could be more suitable than +one of these; being both easy to ride, and not given to start at noise. + +"I could have almost hugged the old fellow for his happy suggestion, and +waited with impatience for three o'clock to come, when we repaired +together to Essex-bridge, at that time the place selected for these +sales. + +"I was at first a little shocked at the look of the animals drawn up; +they were most miserably thin--most of them swelled in the legs--few +without sore backs--and not one eye, on an average, in every three; but +still they were all high steppers, and carried a great tail. 'There's +your affaire,' said the old Frenchman, as a long-legged fiddle-headed +beast was led out; turning out his forelegs so as to endanger the man who +walked beside him. + +"'Yes, there's blood for you, said Charley Dycer, seeing my eye fixed on +the wretched beast; 'equal to fifteen stone with any foxhounds; safe in +all his paces, and warranted sound; except,' added he, in a whisper, 'a +slight spavin in both hind legs, ring gone, and a little touched in the +wind.' Here the animal gave an approving cough. 'Will any gentleman say +fifty pounds to begin?' But no gentleman did. A hackney coachman, +however, said five, and the sale was opened; the beast trotting up and +down nearly over the bidders at every moment, and plunging on so that it +was impossible to know what was doing. + +"'Five, ten--fifteen--six pounds--thank you, sir,--guineas'--'seven +pounds,' said I, bidding against myself, not perceiving that I had spoken +last. 'Thank you, Mr. Moriarty,' said Dycer, turning towards an +invisible purchaser supposed to be in the crowd. 'Thank you, sir, you'll +not let a good one go that way.' Every one here turned to find out the +very knowing gentleman; but he could no where be seen. + +"Dycer resumed, 'Seven ten for Mr. Moriarty. Going for seven ten--a +cruel sacrifice--there's action for you--playful beast.' Here the devil +had stumbled and nearly killed a basket-woman with two children. + +"'Eight,' said I, with a loud voice. + +"'Eight pounds, quite absurd,' said Dycer, almost rudely; 'a charger like +that for eight pounds--going for eight pounds--going--nothing above eight +pounds--no reserve, gentlemen, you are aware of that. They are all as it +were, his majesty's stud--no reserve whatever--last time, eight pounds +--gone.' + +"Amid a very hearty cheer from the mob--God knows why--but a Dublin mob +always cheer--I returned, accompanied by a ragged fellow, leading my new +purchase after me with a bay halter. 'What is the meaning of those +letters,' said I, pointing to a very conspicuous G.R. with sundry other +enigmatical signs, burned upon the animal's hind quarter. + +"'That's to show he was a po-lice,' said the fellow with a grin; 'and +whin ye ride with ladies, ye must turn the decoy side.' + +"The auspicious morning at last arrived; and strange to say that the +first waking thought was of the unlucky day that ushered in my yachting +excursion, four years before. Why this was so, I cannot pretend to +guess; there was but little analogy in the circumstances, at least so far +as any thing had then gone. 'How is Marius?' said I to my servant, as he +opened my shutters. Here let me mention that a friend of the +Kildare-street club had suggested this name from the remarkably classic +character of my steed's countenance; his nose, he assured me, was +perfectly Roman. + +"'Marius is doing finely, sir, barring his cough, and the thrifle that +ails his hind legs.' + +"'He'll carry me quietly, Simon, eh?' + +"'Quietly. I'll warrant he'll carry you quietly, if that's all.' + +"Here was comfort. Certainly Simon had lived forty years as pantry boy +with my mother, and knew a great deal about horses. I dressed myself, +therefore, in high spirits; and if my pilot jacket and oil-skin cap in +former days had half persuaded me that I was born for marine +achievements, certainly my cords and tops, that morning, went far to +convince me that I must have once been a very keen sportsman somewhere, +without knowing it. It was a delightful July day that I set out to join +my friends, who having recruited a large party, were to rendezvous at the +corner of Stephen's-green; thither I proceeded in a certain ambling trot, +which I have often observed is a very favourite pace with timid horsemen, +and gentlemen of the medical profession. I was hailed with a most hearty +welcome by a large party as I turned out of Grafton-street, among whom I +perceived several friends of Miss Eversham, and some young dragoon +officers, not of my acquaintance, but who appeared to know Fanny +intimately, and were laughing heartily with her as I rode up. + +"I don't know if other men have experienced what I am about to mention or +not; but certainly to me there is no more painful sensation than to find +yourself among a number of well-mounted, well-equipped people, while the +animal you yourself bestride seems only fit for the kennel. Every look +that is cast at your unlucky steed--every whispered observation about you +are so many thorns in your flesh, till at last you begin to feel that +your appearance is for very little else than the amusement and mirth of +the assembly; and every time you rise in your stirrups you excite a +laugh. + +"'Where for mercy's sake did you find that creature?' said Fanny, +surveying Marius through her glass. + +"'Oh, him, eh? Why he is a handsome horse, if in condition--a charger +your know--that's his style.' + +"'Indeed,' lisped a young lancer, 'I should be devilish sorry to charge +or be charged with him.' And here they all chuckled at this puppy's +silly joke, and I drew up to repress further liberties. + +"'Is he anything of a fencer?' said a young country gentleman. + +"'To judge from his near eye, I should say much more of a boxer,' said +another. + +"Here commenced a running fire of pleasantry at the expense of my poor +steed; which, not content with attacking his physical, extended to his +moral qualities. An old gentleman near me observing, 'that I ought not +to have mounted him at all, seeing he was so damned groggy;' to which I +replied, by insinuating, that if others present were as free from the +influence of ardent spirits, society would not be a sufferer; an +observation that I flatter myself turned the mirth against the old +fellow, for they all laughed for a quarter of an hour after. + +"Well, at last we set out in a brisk trot, and, placed near Fanny, I +speedily forgot all my annoyances in the prospect of figuring to +advantage before her. When we reached College-green the leaders of the +cortege suddenly drew up, and we soon found that the entire street +opposite the Bank was filled with a dense mob of people, who appeared to +be swayed hither and thither, like some mighty beast, as the individuals +composing it were engaged in close conflict. It was nothing more nor +less than one of those almost weekly rows, which then took place between +the students of the University and the town's-people, and which rarely +ended without serious consequences. The numbers of people pressing on to +the scene of action soon blocked up our retreat, and we found ourselves +most unwilling spectators of the conflict. Political watch-words were +loudly shouted by each party; and at last the students, who appeared to +be yielding to superior numbers, called out for the intervention of the +police. The aid was nearer than they expected; for at the same instant a +body of mounted policemen, whose high helmets rendered them sufficiently +conspicuous, were seen trotting at a sharp pace down Dame-street. On +they came with drawn sabres, led by a well-looking gentlemanlike +personage in plain clothes, who dashed at once into the midst of the +fray, issuing his orders, and pointing out to his followers to secure the +ringleaders. Up to this moment I had been a most patient, and rather +amused spectator, of what was doing. Now, however, my part was to +commence, for at the word 'charge,' given in a harsh, deep voice by the +sergeant of the party, Marius, remembering his ancient instinct, pricked +up his ears, cocked his tail, flung up both his hind legs till they +nearly broke the Provost's windows, and plunged into the thickest of the +fray like a devil incarnate. + +"Self-preservation must be a strong instinct, for I well remember how +little pain it cost me to see the people tumbling and rolling before and +beneath me, while I continued to keep my seat. It was only the moment +before and that immense mass were in man to man encounter; now all the +indignation of both parties seemed turned upon me; brick-bats were loudly +implored, and paving stones begged to throw at my devoted head; the wild +huntsman of the German romance never created half the terror, nor +one-tenth of the mischief that I did in less than fifteen minutes, for +the ill-starred beast continued twining and twisting like a serpent, +plunging and kicking the entire time, and occasionally biting too; all +which accomplishments I afterwards learned, however little in request in +civil life, are highly prized in the horse police. + +"Every new order of the sergeant was followed in his own fashion by +Marius; who very soon contrived to concentrate in my unhappy person, all +the interest of about fifteen hundred people. + +"'Secure that scoundrel,' said the magistrate, pointing with his finger +towards me, as I rode over a respectable looking old lady, with a grey +muff. 'Secure him. Cut him down.' + +"'Ah, devil's luck to him, if ye do,' said a newsmonger with a broken +shin. + +"On I went, however, and now, as the Fates would have it, instead of +bearing me out of further danger, the confounded brute dashed onwards to +where the magistrate was standing, surrounded by policemen. I thought I +saw him change colour as I came on. I suppose my own looks were none of +the pleasantest, for the worthy man liked them not. Into the midst of +them we plunged, upsetting a corporal, horse and all, and appearing as if +bent upon reaching the alderman. + +"'Cut him down for heaven's sake. Will nobody shoot him' said he, with a +voice trembling with fear and anger. + +"At these words a wretch lifted up his sabre, and made a cut at my head. +I stooped suddenly, and throwing myself from the saddle, seized the poor +alderman round the neck, and we both came rolling to the ground together. +So completely was he possessed with the notion that I meant to +assassinate him, that while I was endeavouring to extricate myself from +his grasp, he continued to beg his life in the most heartrending manner. + +"My story is now soon told. So effectually did they rescue the alderman +from his danger, that they left me insensible; and I only came to myself +some days after by finding myself in the dock in Green-street, charged +with an indictment of nineteen counts; the only word of truth is what lay +in the preamble, for the 'devil inciting' me only, would ever have made +me the owner of that infernal beast, the cause of all my misfortunes. I +was so stupified from my hearing, that I know little of the course of the +proceedings. My friends told me afterwards that I had a narrow escape +from transportation; but for the greatest influence exerted in my behalf, +I should certainly have passed the autumn in the agreeable recreation of +pounding oyster shells or carding wool; and it certainly must have gone +hard with me, for stupified as I was, I remember the sensation in court, +when the alderman made his appearance with a patch over his eye. The +affecting admonition of the little judge--who, when passing sentence upon +me, adverted to the former respectability of my life, and the rank of my +relatives--actually made the galleries weep. + +"Four months in Newgate, and a fine to the king, then rewarded my taste +for horse-exercise; and it's no wonder if I prefer going on foot. + +"As to Miss Eversham, the following short note from the dean concluded my +hopes in that quarter. + + "'Deanery, Wednesday morning. + + "'Sir,--After the very distressing publicity to which your late + conduct has exposed you--the so open avowal of political opinion, at + variance with those (I will say) of every gentleman--and the + recorded sentence of a judge on the verdict of twelve of your + countrymen--I should hope that you will not feel my present + admonition necessary to inform you, that your visits at my house + shall cease. + + "'The presents you made my daughter, when under our unfortunate + ignorance of your real character, have been addressed to your hotel, + and I am your most obedient, humble servant, + + "'Oliver Eversham.' + + +"Here ended my second affair 'par amours;' and I freely confess to you +that if I can only obtain a wife in a sea voyage, or a steeple chase, I +am likely to fulfill one great condition in modern advertising--'as +having no incumbrance, or any objection to travel.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIV. + +THE DUEL. + +Mr. O'Leary had scarcely concluded the narrative of his second adventure, +when the grey light of the breaking day was seen faintly struggling +through the half-closed curtains, and apprising us of the lateness of the +hour. + +"I think we shall just have time for one finishing flask of Chambertin," +said O'Leary, as he emptied the bottle into his glass. + +"I forbid the bans, for one," cried Trevanion. "We have all had wine +enough, considering what we have before us this morning; and besides you +are not aware it is now past four o'clock. So garcon--garcon, there--how +soundly the poor fellow sleeps--let us have some coffee, and then inquire +if a carriage is in waiting at the corner of the Rue Vivienne." + +The coffee made its appearance, very much, as it seemed, to Mr. O'Leary's +chagrin, who, however, solaced himself by sundry petits verres, to +correct the coldness of the wine he had drank, and at length recovered +his good humour. + +"Do you know, now," said he, after a short pause, in which we had all +kept silence, "I think what we are about to do, is the very ugliest way +of finishing a pleasant evening. For my own part I like the wind up we +used to have in 'Old Trinity' formerly; when, after wringing off half a +dozen knockers, breaking the lamps at the post-office, and getting out +the fire engines of Werburgh's parish, we beat a few watchmen, and went +peaceably to bed." + +"Well, not being an Irishman," said Trevanion, "I'm half disposed to +think that even our present purpose is nearly as favourable to life and +limb; but here comes my servant. Well, John, is all arranged, and the +carriage ready?" + +Having ascertained that the carriage was in waiting, and that the small +box--brass bound and Bramah-locked--reposed within, we paid our bill and +departed. A cold, raw, misty-looking morning, with masses of dark +louring clouds overhead, and channels of dark and murky water beneath, +were the pleasant prospects which met us as we issued forth from the +Cafe. The lamps, which hung suspended midway across the street, (we +speak of some years since,) creaked, with a low and plaintive sound, as +they swung backwards and forwards in the wind. Not a footstep was heard +in the street--nothing but the heavy patter of the rain as it fell +ceaselessly upon the broad pavement. It was, indeed, a most depressing +and dispiriting accompaniment to our intended excursion: and even +O'Leary, who seemed to have but slight sympathy with external influences, +felt it, for he spoke but little, and was scarcely ten minutes in the +carriage till he was sound asleep. This was, I confess, a great relief +to me; for, however impressed I was, and to this hour am, with the many +sterling qualitites of my poor friend, yet, I acknowledge, that this was +not precisely the time I should have cared for their exercise, and would +have much preferred the companionship of a different order of person, +even though less long acquainted with him. Trevanion was, of all others, +the most suitable for this purpose; and I felt no embarrassment in +opening my mind freely to him upon subjects which, but twenty-four +hours previous, I could not have imparted to a brother. + +There is no such unlocker of the secrets of the heart as the possibly +near approach of death. Indeed, I question if a great deal of the +bitterness the thought of it inspires, does not depend upon that very +circumstance. The reflection that the long-treasured mystery of our +lives (and who is there without some such?) is about to become known, and +the secret of our inmost heart laid bare, is in itself depressing. Not +one kind word, nor one remembrancing adieu, to those we are to leave for +ever, can be spoken or written, without calling up its own story of +half-forgotten griefs or, still worse, at such a moment, of happiness +never again to be partaken of. + +"I cannot explain why," said I to Trevanion, "but although it has +unfortunately been pretty often my lot to have gone out on occasions +like this, both as principal and friend, yet never before did I feel so +completely depressed and low-spirited--and never, in fact, did so many +thoughts of regret arise before me for much of the past, and sorrow for +the chance of abandoning the future"-- + +"I can understand," said Trevanion, interrupting--"I have heard of your +prospect in the Callonby family, and certainly, with such hopes, I can +well conceive how little one would be disposed to brook the slightest +incident which could interfere with their accomplishment; but, now that +your cousin Guy's pretensions in that quarter are at an end, I suppose, +from all I have heard, that there can be no great obstacle to yours." + +"Guy's pretensions at an end! For heaven's sake, tell me all you know of +this affair--for up to this moment I am in utter ignorance of every thing +regarding his position among the Callonby family." + +"Unfortunately," replied Trevanion, "I know but little, but still that +little is authentic--Guy himself having imparted the secret to a very +intimate friend of mine. It appears, then, that your cousin, having +heard that the Callonbys had been very civil to you in Ireland, and made +all manner of advances to you--had done so under the impression that you +were the other nephew of Sir Guy, and consequently the heir of a large +fortune--that is, Guy himself--and that they had never discovered the +mistake during the time they resided in Ireland, when they not only +permitted, but even encouraged the closest intimacy between you and Lady +Jane. Is so far true?" + +"I have long suspected it. Indeed in no other way can I account for the +reception I met with from the Callonbys. But is it possible that Lady +Jane could have lent herself to any thing so unworthy."-- + +"Pray, hear me out," said Trevanion, who was evidently struck by the +despondency of my voice and manner. "Guy having heard of their mistake, +and auguring well to himself from this evidence of their disposition, no +sooner heard of their arrival in Paris, than he came over here and got +introduced to them. From that time he scarcely ever left their house, +except to accompany them into society, or to the theatres. It is said +that with Lady Jane he made no progress. Her manner, at the beginning +cold and formal, became daily more so; until, at last, he was half +disposed to abandon the pursuit--in which, by the by, he has since +confessed, monied views entered more than any affection for the lady +--when the thought struck him to benefit by what he supposed at first +to be the great bar to his success. He suddenly pretended to be only +desirous of intimacy with Lady Jane, from having heard so much of her +from you--affected to be greatly in your confidence--and, in fact, +assumed the character of a friend cognizant of all your feelings and +hopes, and ardently desiring, by every means in his power, to advance +your views--" + +"And was it thus he succeeded," I broke in. + +"'Twas thus he endeavoured to succeed," said Trevanion. + +"Ah, with what success I but too well know" said I. "My uncle himself +showed me a letter from Guy, in which he absolutely speaks of the affair +as settled, and talks of Lady Jane as about to be his wife." + +"That may be all quite true; but a little consideration of Guy's tactics +will show what he intended; for I find that he induced your uncle, by +some representations of his, to make the most handsome proposals, with +regard to the marriage, to the Callonbys; and that, to make the story +short, nothing but the decided refusal of Lady Jane, who at length saw +through his entire game prevented the match." + +"And then she did refuse him," said I, with ill-repressed exultation. + +"Of that there can be no doubt; for independently of all the gossip and +quizzing upon the subject, to which Guy was exposed in the coteries, he +made little secret of it himself--openly avowing that he did not consider +a repulse a defeat, and that he resolved to sustain the siege as +vigorously as ever." + +However interested I felt in all Trevanion was telling me, I could not +help falling into a train of thinking on my first acquaintance with the +Callonbys. There are, perhaps, but few things more humiliating than the +knowledge that any attention or consideration we have met with, has been +paid us in mistake for another; and in the very proportion that they were +prized before, are they detested when the truth is known to us. + +To all the depressing influences these thoughts suggested, came the +healing balm that Lady Jane was true to me--that she, at least, however +others might be biassed by worldly considerations--that she cared for me +--for myself alone. My reader (alas! for my character for judgment) +knows upon how little I founded the conviction; but I have often, in +these Confessions, avowed my failing, par excellence, to be a great taste +for self-deception; and here was a capital occasion for its indulgence. + +"We shall have abundant time to discuss this later on," said Trevanion, +laying his hand upon my shoulder to rouse my wandering attention--"for +now, I perceive, we have only eight minutes to spare." + +As he spoke, a dragoon officer, in an undress, rode up to the window of +the carriage, and looking steadily at our party for a few seconds, asked +if we were "Messieurs les Anglais;" and, almost without waiting for +reply, added, "You had better not go any farther in your carriage, for the +next turn of the road will bring you in sight of the village." + +We accordingly stopped the driver, and having (with) some difficulty +aroused O'Leary, got out upon the road. The militaire here gave his +horse to a groom, and proceeded to guide us through a corn-field by a +narrow path, with whose windings and crossings he appeared quite +conversant. We at length reached the brow of a little hill, from which +an extended view of the country lay before us, showing the Seine winding +its tranquil course between the richly tilled fields, dotted with many a +pretty cottage. Turning abruptly from this point, our guide led us, by a +narrow and steep path, into a little glen, planted with poplar and +willows. A small stream ran through this, and by the noise we soon +detected that a mill was not far distant, which another turning brought +us at once in front of. + +And here I cannot help dwelling upon the "tableau" which met our view. +In the porch of the little rural mill sat two gentlemen, one of whom I +immediately recognised as the person who had waited upon me, and the +other I rightly conjectured to be my adversary. Before them stood a +small table, covered with a spotless napkin, upon which a breakfast +equipage was spread--a most inviting melon and a long, slender-necked +bottle, reposing in a little ice-pail, forming part of the "materiel." +My opponent was cooly enjoying his cigar--a half-finished cup of coffee +lay beside him--his friend was occupied in examining the caps of the +duelling pistols, which were placed upon a chair. No sooner had we +turned the angle which brought us in view, than they both rose, and, +taking off their hats with much courtesy, bade us good morning. + +"May I offer you a cup of coffee," said Monsieur Derigny to me, as I came +up, at the same time filling it out, and pushing over a little flask of +Cogniac towards me. + +A look from Trevanion decided my acceptance of the proferred civility, +and I seated myself in the chair beside the baron. Trevanion meanwhile +had engaged my adversary in conversation along with the stranger, who had +been our guide, leaving O'Leary alone unoccupied, which, however, he did +not long remain; for, although uninvited by the others, he seized a knife +and fork, and commenced a vigorous attack upon a partridge pie near him; +and, with equal absence of ceremony, uncorked the champaign and filled +out a foaming goblet, nearly one-third of the whole bottle, adding-- + +"I think, Mr. Lorrequer, there's nothing like showing them that we are +just as cool and unconcerned as themselves." + +If I might judge from the looks of the party, a happier mode of +convincing them of our "free-and-easy" feelings could not possibly have +been discovered. From any mortification this proceeding might have +caused me, I was speedily relieved by Trevanion calling O'Leary to one +side, while he explained to him that he must nominally act as second on +the ground, as Trevanion, being a resident in Paris, might become liable +to a prosecution, should any thing serious arise, while O'Leary, as a +mere passer through, could cross the frontier into Germany, and avoid all +trouble. + +O'Leary at once acceded--perhaps the more readily because he expected to +be allowed to return to his breakfast--but in this he soon found himself +mistaken, for the whole party now rose, and preceded by the baron, +followed the course of the little stream. + +After about five minutes' walking, we found ourselves at the outlet of +the glen, which was formed by a large stone quarry, making a species of +amphitheatre, with lofty walls of rugged granite, rising thirty or forty +feet on either side of us. The ground was smooth and level as a boarded +floor, and certainly to amateurs in these sort of matters, presented a +most perfect spot for a "meeting." + +The stranger who had just joined us, could not help remarking our looks +of satisfaction at the choice of ground, and observed to me-- + +"This is not the first affair that this little spot has witnessed; and +the moulinet of St. Cloud is, I think, the very best 'meet' about Paris." + +Trevanion who, during these few minutes, had been engaged with Derigny, +now drew me aside. + +"Well, Lorrequer, have you any recollection now of having seen your +opponent before? or can you make a guess at the source of all this?" + +"Never till this instant," said I, "have I beheld him," as I looked +towards the tall, stoutly-built figure of my adversary, who was very +leisurely detaching a cordon from his tightly fitting frock, doubtless to +prevent its attracting my aim. + +"Well, never mind, I shall manage every thing properly. What can you do +with the small sword, for they have rapiers at the mill?" + +"Nothing whatever; I have not fenced since I was a boy." + +"N'importe--then we'll fight at a barriere. I know they're not prepared +for that from Englishmen; so just step on one side now, and leave me to +talk it over." + +As the limited nature of the ground did not permit me to retire to a +distance, I became involuntarily aware of a dialogue, which even the +seriousness of the moment could scarcely keep me from laughing at +outright. + +It was necessary, for the sake of avoiding any possible legal difficulty +in the result, that O'Leary should give his assent to every step of the +arrangement; and being totally ignorant of French, Trevanion had not only +to translate for him, but also to render in reply O'Leary's own comments +or objections to the propositions of the others. + +"Then it is agreed--we fight at a barriere," said the Captain Derigny. + +"What's that, Trevanion?" + +"We have agreed to place them at a barriere," replied Trevanion. + +"That's strange," muttered O'Leary to himself, who, knowing that the word +meant a "turnpike," never supposed it had any other signification. + +"Vingt quatre pas, n'est pas," said Derigny. + +"Too far," interposed Trevanion. + +"What does he say now?" asked O'Leary. + +"Twenty-four paces for the distance." + +"Twenty-four of my teeth he means," said O'Leary, snapping his fingers. +"What does he think of the length of Sackville-street? Ask him that, +will ye?" + +"What says Monsieur?" said the Frenchman. + +"He thinks the distance much too great." + +"He may be mistaken," said the Captain, half sneeringly. "My friend is +'de la premiere force.'" + +"That must be something impudent, from your looks, Mr. Trevanion. Isn't +it a thousand pities I can't speak French?" + +"What say you, then, to twelve paces? Fire together, and two shots each, +if the first fire be inconclusive," said Trevanion. + +"And if necessary," added the Frenchman, carelessly, "conclude with +these"--touching the swords with his foot as he spoke. + +"The choice of the weapon lies with us, I opine," replied Trevanion. +"We have already named pistols, and by them we shall decide this matter." + +It was at length, after innumerable objections, agreed upon that we +should be placed back to back, and at a word given each walk forward to a +certain distance marked out by a stone, where we were to halt, and at the +signal, "une," "deux," turn round and fire. + +This, which is essentially a French invention in duelling, was perfectly +new to me, but by no means to Trevanion, who was fully aware of the +immense consequence of not giving even a momentary opportunity for aim to +my antagonist; and in this mode of firing the most practised and deadly +shot is liable to err--particularly if the signal be given quickly. + +While Trevanion and the Captain were measuring out the ground, a little +circumstance which was enacted near me was certainly not over calculated +to strengthen my nerve. The stranger who had led us to the ground had +begun to examine the pistols, and finding that one of them was loaded, +turned towards my adversary, saying, "De Haultpenne, you have forgotten +to draw the charge. Come let us see what vein you are in." At the same +time, drawing off his large cavalry glove, he handed the pistol to his +friend. + +"A double Napoleon you don't hit the thumb." + +"Done," said the other, adjusting the weapon in his hand. + +The action was scarcely performed, when the bettor flung the glove into +the air with all his force. My opponent raised his pistol, waited for an +instant, till the glove, having attained its greatest height, turned to +fall again. Then click went the trigger--the glove turned round and +round half-a-dozen times, and fell about twenty yards off, and the thumb +was found cut clearly off at the juncture with the hand. + +This--which did not occupy half as long as I have spent in recounting it +--was certainly a pleasant introduction to standing at fifteen yards from +the principal actor; and I should doubtless have felt it in all its +force, had not my attention been drawn off by the ludicrous expression of +grief in O'Leary's countenance, who evidently regarded me as already +defunct. + +"Now, Lorrequer, we are ready," said Trevanion, coming forward; and then, +lowering his voice, added, "All is in your favour; I have won the 'word,' +which I shall give the moment you halt. So turn and fire at once: be +sure not to go too far round in the turn--that is the invariable error in +this mode of firing; only no hurry--be calm." + +"Now, Messieurs," said Derigny, as he approached with his friend leaning +upon his arm, and placed him in the spot allotted to him. Trevanion then +took my arm, and placed me back to back to my antagonist. As I took up +my ground, it so chanced that my adversary's spur slightly grazed me, +upon which he immediately turned round, and, with the most engaging +smile, begged a "thousand pardons," and hoped I was not hurt. + +O'Leary, who saw the incident, and guessed the action aright, called out: + +"Oh, the cold-blooded villain; the devil a chance for you, Mr. +Lorrequer." + +"Messieurs, your pistols," said Le Capitaine la Garde, who, as he handed +the weapons, and repeated once more the conditions of the combat, gave +the word to march. + +I now walked slowly forward to the place marked out by the stone; but it +seemed that I must have been in advance of my opponent, for I remember +some seconds elapsed before Trevanion coughed slightly, and then with a +clear full voice called out "Une," "Deux." I had scarcely turned myself +half round, when my right arm was suddenly lifted up, as if by a galvanic +shock. My pistol jerked upwards, and exploded the same moment, and then +dropped powerlessly from my hand, which I now felt was covered with warm +blood from a wound near the elbow. From the acute but momentary pang +this gave me, my attention was soon called off; for scarcely had my arm +been struck, when a loud clattering noise to my left induced me to turn, +and then, to my astonishment, I saw my friend O'Leary about twelve feet +from the ground, hanging on by some ash twigs that grew from the clefts +of the granite. Fragments of broken rock were falling around him, and +his own position momentarily threatened a downfall. He was screaming +with all his might; but what he said was entirely lost in the shouts of +laughter of Trevanion and the Frenchmen, who could scarcely stand with +the immoderate exuberance of their mirth. + +I had not time to run to his aid--which, although wounded, I should have +done--when the branch he clung to, slowly yielded with his weight, and +the round, plump figure of my poor friend rolled over the little cleft of +rock, and, after a few faint struggles, came tumbling heavily down, and +at last lay peaceably in the deep heather at the bottom--his cries the +whole time being loud enough to rise even above the vociferous laughter +of the others. + +I now ran forward, as did Trevanion, when O'Leary, turning his eyes +towards me, said, in the most piteous manner-- + +"Mr. Lorrequer, I forgive you--here is my hand--bad luck to their French +way of fighting, that's all--it's only good for killing one's friend. +I thought I was safe up there, come what might." + +"My dear O'Leary," said I, in an agony, which prevented my minding the +laughing faces around me, "surely you don't mean to say that I have +wounded you?" + +"No, dear, not wounded, only killed me outright--through the brain it +must be, from the torture I'm suffering." + +The shout with which this speech was received, sufficiently aroused me; +while Trevanion, with a voice nearly choked with laughter, said-- + +"Why, Lorrequer, did you not see that your pistol, on being struck, threw +your ball high up on the quarry; fortunately, however, about a foot and a +half above Mr. O'Leary's head, whose most serious wounds are his +scratched hands and bruised bones from his tumble." + +This explanation, which was perfectly satisfactory to me, was by no means +so consoling to poor O'Leary, who lay quite unconscious to all around, +moaning in the most melancholy manner. Some of the blood, which +continued to flow fast from my wound, having dropped upon his face, +roused him a little--but only to increase his lamentation for his own +destiny, which he believed was fast accomplishing. + +"Through the skull--clean through the skull--and preserving my senses to +the last! Mr. Lorrequer, stoop down--it is a dying man asks you--don't +refuse me a last request. There's neither luck nor grace, honor nor +glory in such a way of fighting--so just promise me you'll shoot that +grinning baboon there, when he's going off the ground, since it's the +fashion to fire at a man with his back to you. Bring him down, and I'll +die easy." + +And with these words he closed his eyes, and straightened out his legs +--stretched his arm at either side, and arranged himself as much corpse +fashion as the circumstances of the ground would permit--while I now +freely participated in the mirth of the others, which, loud and +boisterous as it was, never reached the ears of O'Leary. + +My arm had now become so painful, that I was obliged to ask Trevanion to +assist me in getting off my coat. The surprise of the Frenchmen on +learning that I was wounded was very considerable--O'Leary's catastrophe +having exclusively engaged all attention. My arm was now examined, when +it was discovered that the ball had passed through from one side to the +other, without apparently touching the bone; the bullet and the portion +of my coat carried in by it both lay in my sleeve. The only serious +consequence to be apprehended was the wound of the blood-vessel, which +continued to pour forth blood unceasingly, and I was just surgeon enough +to guess that an artery had been cut. + +Trevanion bound his handkerchief tightly across the wound, and assisted +me to the high road, which, so sudden was the loss of blood, I reached +with difficulty. During all these proceedings, nothing could be possibly +more kind and considerate than the conduct of our opponents. All the +farouche and swaggering air which they had deemed the "rigueur" before, +at once fled, and in its place we found the most gentlemanlike attention +and true politeness. + +As soon as I was enabled to speak upon the matter, I begged Trevanion to +look to poor O'Leary, who still lay upon the ground in a state of perfect +unconsciousness. Captain Derigny, on hearing my wish, at once returned +to the quarry, and, with the greatest difficulty, persuaded my friend to +rise and endeavour to walk, which at last he did attempt, calling him to +bear witness that it perhaps was the only case on record where a man with +a bullet in his brain had made such an exertion. + +With a view to my comfort and quiet, they put him into the cab of Le +Baron; and, having undertaken to send Dupuytrien to me immediately on my +reaching Paris, took their leave, and Trevanion and I set out homeward. + +Not all my exhaustion and debility--nor even the acute pain I was +suffering, could prevent my laughing at O'Leary's adventure; and it +required all Trevanion's prudence to prevent my indulging too far in my +recollection of it. + +When we reached Meurice's, I found Dupuytrien in waiting, who immediately +pronounced the main artery of the limb as wounded; and almost as +instantaneously proceeded to pass a ligature round it. This painful +business being concluded, I was placed upon a sofa, and being plentifully +supplied with lemonade, and enjoined to keep quiet, left to my own +meditations, such as they were, till evening--Trevanion having taken upon +him to apologize for our absence at Mrs. Bingham's dejeune, and O'Leary +being fast asleep in his own apartments. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXV. + +EARLY RECOLLECTIONS--A FIRST LOVE. + +I know of no sensations so very nearly alike, as those felt on awaking +after very sudden and profuse loss of blood, and those resulting from a +large dose of opium. The dizziness, the confusion, and the abstraction +at first, gradually yielding, as the senses became clearer, to a vague +and indistinct consciousness; then the strange mistiness, in which fact +and fiction are wrapped up--the confounding of persons, and places, and +times, not so as to embarrass and annoy--for the very debility you feel +subdues all irritation--but rather to present a panoramic picture of odd +and incongruous events more pleasing than otherwise. + +Of the circumstances by which I was thus brought to a sick couch, I had +not even the most vague recollection--the faces and the dress of all +those I had lately seen were vividly before me; but how, and for what +purpose I knew not. Something in their kindness and attention had left +an agreeable impression upon my mind, and without being able, or even +attempting to trace it, I felt happy in the thought. While thus the +"hour before" was dim and indistinct, the events of years past were +vividly and brightly pictured before me; and strange, too, the more +remote the period, the more did it seem palpable and present to my +imagination. For so it is, there is in memory a species of mental +long-sightedness, which, though blind to the object close beside you, can +reach the blue mountains and the starry skies, which lie full many a +league away. Is this a malady? or is it rather a providential gift to +alleviate the tedious hours of the sick bed, and cheer the lonely +sufferer, whose thoughts are his only realm? + +My school-boy days, in all their holiday excitement; the bank where I had +culled the earliest cowslips of the year; the clear but rapid stream, +where days long I have watched the speckled trout, as they swam +peacefully beneath, or shook their bright fins in the gay sunshine; the +gorgeous dragon-fly that played above the water, and dipped his bright +wings in its ripple--they were all before me. And then came the thought +of school itself, with its little world of boyish cares and emulations; +the early imbibed passion for success; the ardent longing for +superiority; the high and swelling feeling of the heart, as home drew +near, to think that I had gained the wished for prize--the object of many +an hour's toil--the thought of many a long night's dream; my father's +smile; my mother's kiss! Oh! what a very world of tender memory that one +thought suggests; for what are all our later successes in life--how +bright soever our fortune be--compared with the early triumphs of our +infancy? Where, among the jealous rivalry of some, the cold and +half-wrung praise of others, the selfish and unsympathising regard of all, +shall we find any thing to repay us for the swelling extacy of our young +hearts, as those who have cradled and loved us grow proud in our +successes? For myself, a life that has failed in every prestige of those +that prophesied favourably--years that have followed on each other only +to blight the promise that kind and well-wishing friends foretold--leave +but little to dwell upon, that can be reckoned as success. And yet, some +moments I have had, which half seemed to realize my early dream of +ambition, and rouse my spirit within me; but what were they all compared +to my boyish glories? what the passing excitement one's own heart +inspires in the lonely and selfish solitude, when compared with that +little world of sympathy and love our early home teemed with, as, proud +in some trifling distinction, we fell into a mother's arms, and heard our +father's "God bless you, boy?" No, no; the world has no requital for +this. It is like the bright day-spring, which, as its glories gild the +east, display before us a whole world of beauty and promise--blighted +hopes have not withered, false friendships have not scathed, cold, +selfish interest has not yet hardened our hearts, or dried up our +affections, and we are indeed happy; but equally like the burst of +morning is it fleeting and short-lived; and equally so, too, does it pass +away, never, never to return. + +From thoughts like these my mind wandered on to more advanced years, +when, emerging from very boyhood, I half believed myself a man, and was +fully convinced I was in love. + +Perhaps, after all, for the time it lasted--ten days, I think--it was the +most sincere passion I ever felt. I had been spending some weeks at a +small watering-place in Wales with some relatives of my mother. There +were, as might be supposed, but few "distractions" in such a place, save +the scenery, and an occasional day's fishing in the little river of +Dolgelly, which ran near. In all these little rambles which the younger +portion of the family made together, frequent mention was ever being made +of a visit from a very dear cousin, and to which all looked forward with +the greatest eagerness--the elder ones of the party with a certain air of +quiet pleasure, as though they knew more than they said, and the younger +with all the childish exuberance of youthful delight. Clara Mourtray +seemed to be, from all I was hourly hearing, the very paragon and pattern +of every thing. If any one was praised for beauty, Clara was immediately +pronounced much prettier--did any one sing, Clara's voice and taste were +far superior. In our homeward walk, should the shadows of the dark hills +fall with a picturesque effect upon the blue lake, some one was sure to +say, "Oh! how Clara would like to sketch that." In short, there was no +charm nor accomplishment ever the gift of woman, that Clara did not +possess; or, what amounted pretty much to the same thing, that my +relatives did not implicitly give her credit for. The constantly +recurring praises of the same person affect us always differently as we +go on in life. In youth the prevailing sentiment is an ardent desire to +see the prodigy of whom we have heard so much--in after years, heartily +to detest what hourly hurts our self-love by comparisons. We would take +any steps to avoid meeting what we have inwardly decreed to be a "bore." +The former was my course; and though my curiosity was certainly very +great, I had made up my mind to as great a disappointment, and half +wished for the longed arrival as a means of criticising what they could +see no fault in. + +The wished-for evening at length came, and we all set out upon a walk to +meet the carriage which was to bring the bien aime Clara among us. We +had not walked above a mile when the eager eye of the foremost detected a +cloud of dust upon the road at some distance; and, after a few minutes +more, four posters were seen coming along at a tremendous rate. The next +moment she was making the tour of about a dozen uncles, aunts, cousins, +and cousines, none of whom, it appeared to me, felt any peculiar desire +to surrender the hearty embrace to the next of kin in succession. At +last she came to me, when, perhaps, in the confusion of the moment, not +exactly remembering whether or not she had seen me before, she stood for +a moment silent--a deep blush mantling her lovely cheek--masses of waving +brown hair disordered and floating upon her shoulders--her large and +liquid blue eyes beaming upon me. One look was enough. I was deeply +--irretrievably in love. + +"Our cousin Harry--Harry Lorrequer--wild Harry, as we used to call him, +Clara," said one of the girls introducing me. + +She held out her hand, and said something with a smile. What, I know +not--nor can I tell how I replied; but something absurd it must have +been, for they all laughed heartily, and the worthy papa himself tapped +my shoulder jestingly, adding, + +"Never mind, Harry--you will do better one day, or I am much mistaken in +you." + +Whether I was conscious that I had behaved foolishly or not, I cannot +well say; but the whole of that night I thought over plans innumerable +how I should succeed in putting myself forward before "Cousin Clara," and +vindicating myself against any imputation of schoolboy mannerisms that my +first appearance might have caused. + +The next day we remained at home. Clara was too much fatigued to walk +out, and none of us would leave her. What a day of happiness that was! +I knew something of music, and could sing a second. Clara was delighted +at this, for the others had not cultivated singing much. We therefore +spent the whole morning in this way. Then she produced her sketch-book, +and I brought out mine, and we had a mutual interchange of prisoners. +What cutting out of leaves and detaching of rice-paper landscapes! The +she came out upon the lawn to see my pony leap, and promised to ride him +the following day. She patted the greyhounds, and said Gipsy, which was +mine, was the prettiest. In a word, before night fell Clara had won my +heart in its every fibre, and I went to my room the very happiest of +mortals. + +I need not chronicle my next three days--to me the most glorious "trois +jours" of my life. Clara had evidently singled me out and preferred me +to all the rest. It was beside me she rode--upon my arm she leaned in +walking--and, to comble me with delight unutterable, I overheard her say +to my uncle, "Oh, I doat upon poor Harry! And it is so pleasant, for I'm +sure Mortimer will be so jealous." + +"And who is Mortimer," thought I; "he is a new character in the piece, of +whom we have seen nothing." + +I was not long in doubt upon this head, for that very day, at dinner, the +identical Mortimer presented himself. He was a fine, dashing-looking, +soldier-like fellow, of about thirty-five, and with a heavy moustache, +and a bronzed cheek--rather grave in his manner, but still perfectly +good-natured, and when he smiled showing a most handsome set of regular +teeth. Clara seemed less pleased (I thought) at his coming than the +others, and took pleasure in tormenting him by a thousand pettish and +frivolous ways, which I was sorry for, as I thought he did not like it; +and used to look half chidingly at her from time to time, but without any +effect, for she just went on as before, and generally ended by taking my +arm and saying, "Come away, Harry; you always are kind, and never look +sulky. I can agree with you." These were delightful words for me to +listen to, but I could not hear them without feeling for him, who +evidently was pained by Clara's avowed preference for me; and whose +years--for I thought thirty-five at that time a little verging upon the +patriarchal--entitled him to more respect. + +"Well," thought I, one evening, as this game had been carried rather +farther than usual, "I hope she is content now, for certainly Mortimer is +jealous;" and the result proved it, for the whole of the following day he +absented himself, and never came back till late in the evening. He had +been, I found, from a chance observation I overheard, at the bishop's +palace, and the bishop himself, I learned, was to breakfast with us in +the morning. + +"Harry, I have a commission for you," said Clara. "You must get up +very early to-morrow, and climb the Cader mountain, and bring me a grand +bouquet of the blue and purple heath that I liked so much the last time +I was there. Mind very early, for I intend to surprise the bishop +to-morrow with my taste in a nosegay." + +The sun had scarcely risen as I sprang from my bed, and started upon my +errand. Oh! the glorious beauty of that morning's walk. As I climbed +the mountain, the deep mists lay upon all around, and except the path I +was treading, nothing was visible; but before I reached the top, the +heavy masses of vapour were yielding to the influence of the sun; and as +they rolled from the valleys up the mountain sides, were every instant +opening new glens and ravines beneath me--bright in all their verdure, +and speckled with sheep, whose tingling bells reached me even where I +stood. + +I counted above twenty lakes at different levels, below me; some +brilliant, and shining like polished mirrors; others not less beautiful, +dark and solemn with some mighty mountain shadow. As I looked landward, +the mountains reared their huge crests, one above the other, to the +farthest any eye could reach. Towards the opposite side, the calm and +tranquil sea lay beneath me, bathed in the yellow gold of a rising sun; a +few ships were peaceably lying at anchor in the bay; and the only thing +in motion was a row-boat, the heavy monotonous stroke of whose oars rose +in the stillness of the morning air. Not a single habitation of man +could I descry, nor any vestige of a human being, except that mass of +something upon the rock far down beneath be one, and I think it is, for I +see the sheep-dog ever returning again and again to the same spot. + +My bouquet was gathered; the gentian of the Alps, which is found here, +also contributing its evidence to show where I had been to seek it, and I +turned home. + +The family were at breakfast as I entered; at least so the servants said, +for I only remembered then that the bishop was our guest, and that I +could not present myself without some slight attention to my dress. I +hastened to my room, and scarcely had I finished, when one of my cousins, +a little girl of eight years, came to the door and said, + +"Harry, come down; Clara wants you." + +I rushed down stairs, and as I entered the breakfast parlour, stood still +with surprise. The ladies were all dressed in white, and even my little +cousin wore a gala costume that amazed me. + +"My bouquet, Harry; I hope you have not forgotten it," said Clara, as I +approached. + +I presented it at once, when she gaily and coquettishly held out her hand +for me to kiss. This I did, my blood rushing to my face and temples the +while, and almost depriving me of consciousness. + +"Well, Clara, I am surprised at you," said Mortimer. "How can you treat +the poor boy so?" + +I grew deadly pale at these words, and, turning round, looked at the +speaker full in the face. Poor fellow, thought I, he is jealous, and I +am really grieved for him; and turned again to Clara. + +"Here it is--oh! how handsome, papa," said one of the younger children, +running eagerly to the window, as a very pretty open carriage with four +horses drew up before the house. + +"The bishop has taste," I murmured to myself, scarcely deigning to give a +second look at the equipage. + +Clara now left the room, but speedily returned--her dress changed, and +shawled as if for a walk. What could all this mean?--and the whispering, +too, what is all that?--and why are they all so sad?--Clara has been +weeping. + +"God bless you, my child--good by," said my aunt, as she folded her in +her arms for the third time. + +"Good by, good by," I heard on every side. At length, approaching me, +Clara took my hand and said-- + +"My poor Harry, so we are going to part. I am going to Italy." + +"To Italy, Clara? Oh! no--say no. Italy! I shall never see you again." + +"Won't you wear this ring for me, Harry? It is an old favourite of +yours--and when we meet again"-- + +"Oh! dearest Clara," I said, "do not speak thus." + +"Good by, my poor boy, good by," said Clara hurriedly; and, rushing +out of the room, she was lifted by Mortimer into the carriage, who, +immediately jumping in after her, the whip cracked, the horses clattered, +and all was out of sight in a second. + +"Why is she gone with him?" said I, reproachfully, turning towards my +aunt. + +"Why, my dear, a very sufficient reason. She was married this morning." + +This was my first love. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVI. + +WISE RESOLVES. + +Musing over this boyish adventure, I fell into a deep slumber, and on +awakening it took me some minutes before I could recall my senses +sufficiently to know where I was. The whole face of things in my room +was completely changed. Flowers had been put in the china vases upon the +tables--two handsome lamps, shaded with gauzes, stood upon the consoles +--illustrated books, prints, and caricatures, were scattered about. A +piano-forte had also, by some witchcraft, insinuated itself into a recess +near the sofa--a handsome little tea service, of old Dresden china, +graced a marquetry table--and a little picquet table stood most +invitingly beside the fire. I had scarcely time to turn my eyes from one +to the other of these new occupants, when I heard the handle of my door +gently turn, as if by some cautious hand, and immediately closed my eyes +and feigned sleep. Through my half-shut lids I perceived the door +opened. After a pause of about a second, the skirt of a white muslin +dress appeared--then a pretty foot stole a little farther--and at last +the slight and graceful figure of Emily Bingham advanced noiselessly into +the room. Fear had rendered her deadly pale; but the effect of her rich +brown hair, braided plainly on either side of her cheek, suited so well +the character of her features, I thought her far handsomer than ever. +She came forward towards the table, and I now could perceive that she had +something in her hand resembling a letter. This she placed near my hand +--so near as almost to touch it. She leaned over me--I felt her breath +upon my brow, but never moved. At this instant, a tress of her hair, +becoming unfastened, fell over upon my face. She started--the motion +threw me off my guard, and I looked up. She gave a faint, scarce audible +shriek, and sank into the chair beside me. Recovering, however, upon the +instant, she grasped the letter she had just laid down, and, having +crushed it between her fingers, threw it into the fire. This done--as if +the effort had been too much for her strength--she again fell back upon +her seat, and looked so pale I almost thought she had fainted. + +Before I had time to speak, she rose once more; and now her face was +bathed in blushes, her eyes swam with rising tears, and her lips trembled +with emotion as she spoke. + +"Oh, Mr. Lorrequer, what will you--what can you think of this? If you +but knew--;" and here she faltered and again grew pale, while I with +difficulty rising from the sofa, took her hand, and led her to the chair +beside it. + +"And may I not know?" said I; "may I not know, my dear"--I am not sure +I did not say dearest--"Miss Bingham, when, perhaps, the knowledge might +make me the happiest of mortals?" + +This was a pretty plunge as a sequel to my late resolutions. She hid her +face between her hands, and sobbed for some seconds. + +"At least," said I, "as that letter was destined for me but a few moments +since, I trust that you will let me hear its contents." + +"Oh no--not now--not now," said she entreatingly; and, rising at the same +time, she turned to leave the room. I still held her hand, and pressed +it within mine. I thought she returned the pressure. I leaned forward +to catch her eye, when the door was opened hastily, and a most +extraordinary figure presented itself. + +It was a short, fat man, with a pair of enormous moustaches, of a fiery +red; huge bushy whiskers of the same colour; a blue frock covered with +braiding, and decorated with several crosses and ribbons; tight +pantaloons and Hessian boots, with long brass spurs. He held a large +gold-headed cane in his hand, and looked about with an expression of very +equivocal drollery, mingled with fear. + +"May I ask, sir," said I, as this individual closed the door behind him, +"may I ask the reason for this intrusion?" + +"Oh, upon my conscience, I'll do--I'm sure to pass muster now," said the +well-known voice of Mr. O'Leary, whose pleasant features began to dilate +amid the forest of red hair he was disguised in. "But I see you are +engaged," said he, with a sly look at Miss Bingham, whom he had not yet +recognised; "so I must contrive to hide myself elsewhere, I suppose." + +"It is Miss Bingham," said I, "who has been kind enough to come here +with her maid, to bring me some flowers. Pray present my respectful +compliments to Mrs. Bingham, and say how deeply I feel her most kind +attention." + +Emily rose at the instant, and recovering her self-possession at once, +said-- + +"You forget, Mr. Lorrequer, it is a secret from whom the flowers came; +at least mamma hoped to place them in your vases without you knowing. +So, pray, don't speak of it--and I'm sure Mr. O'Leary will not tell." + +If Mr. O'Leary heard one word of this artful speech, I know not, but he +certainly paid no attention to it, nor the speaker, who left the room +without his appearing aware of it. + +"Now that she is gone--for which heaven be praised," said I to myself; +"let me see what this fellow can mean." + +As I turned from the door, I could scarcely avoid laughing aloud at the +figure before me. He stood opposite a large mirror, his hat on one side +of his head, one arm in his breast, and the other extended, leaning upon +his stick; a look of as much ferocity as such features could accomplish +had been assumed, and his whole attitude was a kind of caricature of a +melo-dramatic hero in a German drama. + +"Why, O'Leary, what is all this?" + +"Hush, hush," said he, in a terrified whisper--"never mention that name +again, till we are over the frontier." + +"But, man, explain--what do you mean?" + +"Can't you guess," said he drily. + +"Impossible; unless the affair at the saloon has induced you to take this +disguise, I cannot conceive the reason." + +"Nothing farther from it, my dear friend; much worse than that." + +"Out with it, then, at once." + +"She's come--she's here--in this very house--No. 29, above the entre +sol." + +"Who is here, in No. 29, above the entre sol?" + +"Who, but Mrs. O'Leary herself. I was near saying bad luck to her." + +"And does she know you are here?" + +"That is what I can't exactly say," said he, "but she has had the Livre +des Voyageurs brought up to her room, and has been making rather +unpleasant inquiries for the proprietor of certain hieroglyphics +beginning with O, which have given me great alarm--the more, as all the +waiters have been sent for in turn, and subjected to long examination by +her. So I have lost no time, but, under the auspices of your friend +Trevanion, have become the fascinating figure you find me, and am now +Compte O'Lieuki, a Pole of noble family, banished by the Russian +government, with a father in Siberia, and all that; and I hope, by the +end of the week, to be able to cheat at ecarte, and deceive the very +police itself." + +The idea of O'Leary's assuming such a metamorphosis was too absurd not +to throw me into a hearty fit of laughing, in which the worthy emigre +indulged also. + +"But why not leave this at once," said I, "if you are so much in dread of +a recognition?" + +"You forget the trial," added O'Leary, "I must be here on the 18th or all +my bail is forfeited." + +"True--I had forgot that. Well, now, your plans?"-- + +"Simply to keep very quiet here till the affair of the tribunal is over, +and then quit France at once. Meanwhile, Trevanion thinks that we may, +by a bold stratagem, send Mrs. O'Leary off on a wrong scent, and has +requested Mrs. Bingham to contrive to make her acquaintance, and ask her +to tea in her room, when she will see me, en Polonais, at a distance, you +know--hear something of my melancholy destiny from Trevanion--and leave +the hotel quite sure she has no claim on me. Meanwhile, some others of +the party are to mention incidentally having met Mr. O'Leary somewhere, +or heard of his decease, or any pleasant little incident that may occur +to them." + +"The plan is excellent," said I, "for in all probability she may never +come in your way again, if sent off on a good errand this time." + +"That's what I'm thinking," said O'Leary; "and I am greatly disposed to +let her hear that I'm with Belzoni in Egypt, with an engagement to spend +the Christmas with the Dey of Algiers. That would give her a very pretty +tour for the remainder of the year, and show her the pyramids. But, tell +me fairly, am I a good Pole?" + +"Rather short," said I, "and a little too fat, perhaps." + +"That comes from the dash of Tartar blood, nothing more; and my mother +was a Fin," said he, "she'll never ask whether from Carlow or the +Caucasus. How I revel in the thought, that I may smoke in company +without a breach of the unities. But I must go: there is a gentleman +with a quinsey in No. 9, that gives me a lesson in Polish this morning. +So good-by, and don't forget to be well enough to-night, for you must be +present at my debut." + +O'Leary had scarcely gone, when my thoughts reverted to Emily Bingham. +I was not such a coxcomb as to fancy her in love with me; yet certainly +there was something in the affair which looked not unlike it; and though, +by such a circumstance, every embarrassment which pressed upon me had +become infinitely greater, I could not dissemble from myself a sense of +pleasure at the thought. She was really a very pretty girl, and improved +vastly upon acquaintance. "Le absens ont toujours torts" is the truest +proverb in any language, and I felt it in its fullest force when +Trevanion entered my room. + +"Well, Lorrequer," said he, "your time is certainly not likely to hang +heavily on your hands in Paris, if occupation will prevent it, for I find +you are just now booked for a new scrape." + +"What can you mean?" said I, starting up. + +"Why, O'Leary, who has been since your illness, the constant visiter at +the Binghams--dining there every day, and spending his evenings--has just +told me that the mamma is only waiting for the arrival of Sir Guy +Lorrequer in Paris to open the trenches in all form; and from what she +has heard of Sir Guy, she deems it most likely he will give her every aid +and support to making you the husband of the fair Emily." + +"And with good reason, too," said I; "for if my uncle were only given to +understand that I had once gone far in my attentions, nothing would +induce him to break off the match. He was crossed in love himself when +young, and has made a score of people miserable since, in the benevolent +idea of marrying them against every obstacle." + +"How very smart you have become," said Trevanion, taking a look round my +room, and surveying in turn each of the new occupants. "You must +certainly reckon upon seeing your fair friend here, or all this propriete +is sadly wasted." + +This was the time to explain all about Miss Bingham's visit; and I did +so, of course omitting any details which might seem to me needless, or +involving myself in inconsistency. + +Trevanion listened patiently to the end--was silent for some moments +--then added-- + +"And you never saw the letter?" + +"Of course not. It was burned before my eyes." + +"I think the affair looks very serious, Lorrequer. You may have won this +girl's affections. It matters little whether the mamma be a hacknied +match-maker, or the cousin a bullying duellist. If the girl have a +heart, and that you have gained it"-- + +"Then I must marry, you would say." + +"Exactly so--without the prompting of your worthy uncle, I see no +other course open to you without dishonour. My advice, therefore, is, +ascertain--and that speedily--how far your attentions have been attended +with the success you dread--and then decide at once. Are you able to get +as far as Mrs. Bingham's room this morning? If so, come along. I shall +take all the frais of la chere mamma off your hands, while you talk to +the daughter; and half-an-hour's courage and resolution will do it all." + +Having made the most effective toilet my means would permit, my right arm +in a sling, and my step trembling from weakness, I sallied forth with +Trevanion to make love with as many fears for the result as the most +bashful admirer ever experienced, when pressing his suit upon some +haughty belle--but for a far different reason. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVII. + +THE PROPOSAL. + +On reaching Mrs. Bingham's apartments, we found that she had just left +home to wait upon Mrs. O'Leary, and consequently, that Miss Bingham was +alone. Trevanion, therefore, having wished me a safe deliverance through +my trying mission, shook my hand warmly, and departed. + +I stood for some minutes irresolutely, with my hand upon the lock of the +door. To think that the next few moments may decide the fortune of one's +after life, is a sufficiently anxious thought; but that your fate may be +so decided, by compelling you to finish in sorrow what you have begun in +folly, is still more insupportable. Such, then, was my condition. I had +resolved within myself, if the result of this meeting should prove that I +had won Miss Bingham's affections, to propose for her at once in all +form, and make her my wife. If, on the other hand, I only found that she +too had amused herself with a little passing flirtation, why then, I was +a free man once more: but, on catechising myself a little closer, also, +one somewhat disposed to make love de novo. + +With the speed of lightning, my mind ran over every passage of our +acquaintance--our first meeting--our solitary walks--our daily, hourly +associations--our travelling intimacy--the adventure at Chantraine; +--There was, it is true, nothing in all this which could establish the +fact of wooing, but every thing which should convince an old offender +like myself that the young lady was "en prise," and that I myself +--despite my really strong attachment elsewhere--was not entirely +scathless. + +"Yes," said I, half aloud, as I once more reviewed the past, "it is but +another chapter in my history in keeping with all the rest--one step has +ever led me to a second, and so on to a third; what with other men have +passed for mere trifles, have ever with me become serious difficulties, +and the false enthusiasm with which I ever follow any object in life, +blinds me for the time, and mistaking zeal for inclination, I never feel +how little my heart is interested in success, till the fever of pursuit +is over." + +These were pleasant thoughts for one about to throw himself at a pretty +girl's feet, and pour out his "soul of love before her;" but that with me +was the least part of it. Curran, they say, usually picked up his facts +in a case from the opposite counsel's statements; I always relied for my +conduct in carrying on any thing, to the chance circumstances of the +moment, and trusted to my animal spirits to give me an interest in +whatever for the time being engaged me. + +I opened the door. Miss Bingham was sitting at a table, her head leaning +upon her hands--some open letters which lay before her, evidently so +occupying her attention, that my approach was unheard. On my addressing +her, she turned round suddenly, and became at first deep scarlet, then +pale as death: while, turning to the table, she hurriedly threw her +letters into a drawer, and motioned me to a place beside her. + +After the first brief and common-place inquiry for my health, and hopes +for my speedy recovery, she became silent; and I too, primed with topics +innumerable to discuss--knowing how short my time might prove before Mrs. +Bingham's return--could not say a word. + +"I hope, Mr. Lorrequer," said she, at length, "that you have incurred no +risque by leaving your room so early." + +"I have not," I replied, "but, even were there a certainty of it, the +anxiety I laboured under to see and speak with you alone, would have +overcome all fears on this account. Since this unfortunate business +has confined me to my chamber, I have done nothing but think over +circumstances which have at length so entirely taken possession of me, +that I must, at any sacrifice, have sought an opportunity to explain to +you"--here Emily looked down, and I continued--"I need scarcely say what +my feelings must long since have betrayed, that to have enjoyed the daily +happiness of living in your society, of estimating your worth, of feeling +your fascinations, were not the means most in request for him, who knew, +too well, how little he deserved, either by fortune or desert, to hope, +to hope to make you his; and yet, how little has prudence or caution to +do with situations like this." She did not guess the animus of this +speech. "I felt all I have described; and yet, and yet, I lingered on, +prizing too dearly the happiness of the present hour, to risque it by any +avowal of sentiments, which might have banished me from your presence for +ever. If the alteration of these hopes and fears have proved too strong +for my reason at last, I cannot help it; and this it is which now leads +me to make this avowal to you." Emily turned her head away from me; but +her agitated manner showed how deeply my words had affected her; and I +too, now that I had finished, felt that I had been "coming it rather +strong." + +"I hoped, Mr. Lorrequer," said she, at length, "I hoped, I confess, to +have had an opportunity of speaking with you." Then, thought I, the game +is over, and Bishop Luscombe is richer by five pounds, than I wish him. +--"Something, I know not what, in your manner, led me to suspect that your +affections might lean towards me; hints you have dropped, and, now and +then, your chance allusions strengthened the belief, and I determined, at +length, that no feeling of maidenly shame on my part should endanger the +happiness of either of us, and I determined to see you; this was so +difficult, that I wrote a letter, and that letter, which might have saved +me all distressing explanation, I burned before you this morning." + +"But, why, dearest girl,"--here was a plunge--"why, if the letter could +remove any misconstruction, or could be the means of dispelling any +doubt--why not let me see it?" + +"Hear me out," cried she, eagerly, and evidently not heeding my +interruption, "I determined if your affections were indeed"--a flood of +tears here broke forth, and drowned her words; her head sank between her +hands, and she sobbed bitterly. + +"Corpo di Baccho!" said I to myself, "It is all over with me; the poor +girl is evidently jealous, and her heart will break." + +"Dearest, dearest Emily," said I, passing my arm round her, and +approaching my head close to her's, "if you think that any other love +than yours could ever beat within this heart--that I could see you hourly +before me--live beneath your smile, and gaze upon your beauty--and, still +more than all--pardon the boldness of the thought--feel that I was not +indifferent to you."-- + +"Oh! spare me this at least," said she, turning round her tearful eyes +upon me, and looking most bewitchingly beautiful. "Have I then showed +you this plainly?" + +"Yes, dearest girl! That instinct which tells us we are loved has spoken +within me. And here in this beating heart"-- + +"Oh! say not more," said she, "if I have, indeed, gained your +affections"-- + +"If--if you have," said I, clasping her to my heart, while she continued +to sob still violently, and I felt half disposed to blow my brains out +for my success. However, there is something in love-making as in +fox-hunting, which carries you along in spite of yourself; and I +continued to pour forth whole rhapsodies of love that the Pastor Fido +could not equal. + +"Enough," said she, "it is enough that you love me and that I have +encouraged your so doing. But oh! tell me once more, and think how much +of future happiness may rest upon your answer--tell me, may not this be +some passing attachment, which circumstances have created, and others may +dispel? Say, might not absence, time, or another more worthy"-- + +This was certainly a very rigid cross-examination when I thought the +trial was over; and not being exactly prepared for it, I felt no other +mode of reply than pressing her taper fingers alternately to my lips, and +muttering something that might pass for a declaration of love +unalterable, but, to my own ears, resembled a lament on my folly. + +"She is mine now," thought I, "so we must e'en make the best of it; and +truly she is a very handsome girl, though not a Lady Jane Callonby. The +next step is the mamma; but I do not anticipate much difficulty in that +quarter." + +"Leave me now," said she, in a low and broken voice; "but promise not to +speak of this meeting to any one before we meet again. I have my +reasons; believe me they are sufficient ones, so promise me this before +we part." + +Having readily given the pledge required, I again kissed her hand and +bade farewell, not a little puzzled the whole time at perceiving that +ever since my declaration and acceptance Emily seemed any thing but +happy, and evidently struggling against some secret feeling of which I +knew nothing. "Yes," thought I, as I wended my way along the corridor, +"the poor girl is tremendously jealous, and I must have said may a thing +during our intimacy to hurt her. However, that is all past and gone; and +now comes a new character for me: my next appearance wil be 'en bon +mari.'" + + + + +CHAPTER XXXVIII. + +THOUGHTS UPON MATRIMONY IN GENERAL, AND IN THE ARMY IN PARTICULAR--THE +KNIGHT OF KERRY AND BILLY M'CABE. + +"So," thought I, as I closed the door of my room behind me, "I am +accepted--the die is cast which makes me a Benedict: yet heaven knows +that never was a man less disposed to be over joyous at his good +fortune!" What a happy invention it were, if when adopting any road in +life, we could only manage to forget that we had ever contemplated any +other! It is the eternal looking back in this world that forms the +staple of all our misery; and we are but ill-requited for such +unhappiness by the brightest anticipations we can conjure up for the +future. How much of all that "past" was now to become a source of +painful recollection, and to how little of the future could I look +forward with even hope! + +Our weaknesses are much more constantly the spring of all our annoyances +and troubles than even our vices. The one we have in some sort of +subjection: we are perfectly slaves to the others. This thought came +home most forcibly to my bosom, as I reflected upon the step which led me +on imperceptibly to my present embarrassment. "Well, c'est fini, now," +said I, drawing upon that bountiful source of consolation ever open to +the man who mars his fortune--that "what is past can't be amended;" which +piece of philosophy, as well as its twin brother, that "all will be the +same a hundred years hence," have been golden rules to me from my +childhood. + +The transition from one mode of life to another perfectly different has +ever seemed to me a great trial of a man's moral courage; besides that +the fact of quitting for ever any thing, no matter how insignificant or +valueless, is always attended with painful misgivings. My bachelor life +had its share of annoyances and disappointments, it is true; but, upon +the whole it was a most happy one--and now I was about to surrender it +for ever, not yielding to the impulse of affection and love for one +without whom life were valueless to me, but merely a recompense for the +indulgence of that fatal habit I had contracted of pursuing with +eagerness every shadow that crossed my path. All my early friends +--all my vagrant fancies--all my daydreams of the future I was now to +surrender--for, what becomes of any man's bachelor friends when he is +once married? Where are his rambles in high and bye-ways when he has a +wife? and what is left for anticipation after his wedding except, +perhaps, to speculate upon the arrangement of his funeral? To a military +man more than to any other these are serious thoughts. All the +fascinations of an army life, in war or peace, lie in the daily, hourly +associations with your brother officers--the morning cigar, the +barrack-square lounge--the afternoon ride--the game of billiards before +dinner--the mess (that perfection of dinner society)--the plans for the +evening--the deviled kidney at twelve--forming so many points of +departure whence you sail out upon your daily voyage through life. +Versus those you have that awful perversion of all that is natural--an +officer's wife. She has been a beauty when young, had black eyes and +high complexion, a good figure, rather inclined to embonpoint, and a +certain springiness in her walk, and a jauntiness in her air, that are +ever sure attractions to a sub in a marching regiment. She can play +backgammon, and sing "di tanti palpiti," and, if an Irishwoman, is +certain to be able to ride a steeple-chase, and has an uncle a lord, who +(en parenthese) always turns out to be a creation made by King James +after his abdication. In conclusion, she breakfasts en papillote--wears +her shoes down at heel--calls every officer of the regiment by his name +--has a great taste for increasing his majesty's lieges, and delights in +London porter. To this genus of Frow I have never ceased to entertain +the most thrilling abhorrence; and yet how often have I seen what +appeared to be pretty and interesting girls fall into something of this +sort! and how often have I vowed any fate to myself rather than become +the husband of a baggage-waggon wife! + +Had all my most sanguine hopes promised realizing--had my suit with Lady +Jane been favourable, I could scarcely have bid adieu to my bachelor life +without a sigh. No prospect of future happiness can ever perfectly +exclude all regret at quitting our present state for ever. I am sure if +I had been a caterpillar, it would have been with a heavy heart that I +would have donned my wings as a butterfly. Now the metamorphosis was +reversed: need it be wondered if I were sad? + +So completely was I absorbed in my thoughts upon this matter, that I had +not perceived the entrance of O'Leary and Trevanion, who, unaware of my +being in the apartment, as I was stretched upon a sofa in a dark corner, +drew their chairs towards the fire and began chatting. + +"Do you know, Mr. Trevanion," said O'Leary, "I am half afraid of this +disguise of mine. I sometimes think I am not like a Pole; and if she +should discover me"-- + +"No fear of that in the world; your costume is perfect, your beard +unexceptionable. I could, perhaps, have desired a little less paunch; +but then"-- + +"That comes of fretting, as Falstaff says; and you must not forget that +I am banished from my country." + +"Now, as to your conversation, I should advise you saying very little +--not one word in English. You may, if you like, call in the assistance +of Irish when hard pressed? + +"I have my fears on that score. There is no knowing where that might +lead to discovery. You know the story of the Knight of Kerry and Billy +McCabe?" + +"I fear I must confess my ignorance--I have never heard of it." + +"Then may be you never knew Giles Daxon?" + +"I have not had that pleasure either." + +"Lord bless me, how strange that is! I thought he was better known than +the Duke of Wellington or the travelling piper. Well, I must tell you +the story, for it has a moral, too--indeed several morals; but you'll +find that out for yourself. Well, it seems that one day the Knight of +Kerry was walking along the Strand in London, killing an hour's time, +till the house was done prayers, and Hume tired of hearing himself +speaking; his eye was caught by an enormous picture displayed upon the +wall of a house, representing a human figure covered with long dark hair, +with huge nails upon his hands, and a most fearful expression of face. +At first the Knight thought it was Dr. Bowring; but on coming nearer he +heard a man with a scarlet livery and a cocked hat, call out, 'Walk in, +ladies and gentlemen--the most vonderful curiosity ever exhibited--only +one shilling--the vild man from Chippoowango, in Africay--eats raw +wittles without being cooked, and many other surprising and pleasing +performances.' + +"The knight paid his money, and was admitted. At first the crowd +prevented his seeing any thing--for the place was full to suffocation, +and the noise awful--for, besides the exclamations and applause of the +audience, there were three barrel-organs, playing 'Home, sweet Home!' and +'Cherry Ripe,' and the wild man himself contributed his share to the +uproar. At last, the Knight obtained, by dint of squeezing, and some +pushing a place in the front, when, to his very great horror, he beheld a +figure that far eclipsed the portrait without doors. + +"It was a man nearly naked, covered with long, shaggy hair, that grew +even over his nose and cheek bones. He sprang about, sometimes on his +feet, sometimes, all-fours, but always uttering the most fearful yells, +and glaring upon the crowd, in a manner that was really dangerous. The +Knight did not feel exactly happy at the whole proceeding, and began +heartily to wish himself back in the 'House,' even upon a committee of +privileges, when, suddenly, the savage gave a more frantic scream than +before, and seized upon a morsel of raw beef, which a keeper extended to +him upon a long fork, like a tandem whip--he was not safe, it appears, at +close quarters;--this he tore to pieces eagerly and devoured in the most +voracious manner, amid great clapping of hands, and other evidences of +satisfaction from the audience. I'll go, now, thought the Knight: for, +God knows whether, in his hungry moods, he might not fancy to conclude +his dinner by a member of parliament. Just at this instant, some sounds +struck upon his ear that surprised him not a little. He listened more +attentively; and, conceive if you can, his amazement, to find that, amid +his most fearful cries, and wild yells, the savage was talking Irish. +Laugh, if you like; but it's truth I am telling you; nothing less than +Irish. There he was, jumping four feet high in the air, eating his raw +meat: pulling out his hair by handfuls; and, amid all this, cursing the +whole company to his heart's content, in as good Irish as ever was heard +in Tralee. Now, though the Knight had heard of red Jews and white +Negroes, he had never happened to read any account of an African +Irishman; so, he listened very closely, and by degrees, not only the +words were known to him, but the very voice was familiar. At length, +something he heard, left no further doubt upon his mind, and, turning to +the savage, he addressed him in Irish, at the same time fixing a look of +most scrutinizing import upon him. + +"'Who are you, you scoundrel' said the Knight. + +"'Billy M'Cabe your honour.' + +"'And what do you mean by playing off these tricks here, instead of +earning your bread like an honest man?' + +"'Whisht,' said Billy, 'and keep the secret. I'm earning the rent for +your honour. One must do many a queer thing that pays two pound ten an +acre for bad land.' + +"This was enough: the Knight wished Billy every success, and left him +amid the vociferous applause of a well satisfied audience. This +adventure, it seems, has made the worthy Knight a great friend to the +introduction of poor laws; for, he remarks very truly, 'more of Billy's +countrymen might take a fancy to a savage life, if the secret was found +out.'" + +It was impossible for me to preserve my incognito, as Mr. O'Leary +concluded his story, and I was obliged to join in the mirth of Trevanion, +who laughed loud and long as he finished it. + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIX. + +A REMINISCENCE. + +O'Leary and Trevanion had scarcely left the room when the waiter entered +with two letters--the one bore a German post-mark, and was in the +well-known hand of Lady Callonby--the other in a writing with which I was +no less familiar--that of Emily Bingham. + +Let any one who has been patient enough to follow me through these +"Confessions," conceive my agitation at this moment. There lay my fate +before me, coupled, in all likelihood, with a view of what it might have +been under happier auspices--at least so in anticipation did I read the +two unopened epistles. My late interview with Miss Bingham left no doubt +upon my mind that I had secured her affections; and acting in accordance +with the counsel of Trevanion, no less than of my own sense of right, I +resolved upon marrying her, with what prospect of happiness I dared not +to think of! + +Alas! and alas! there is no infatuation like the taste for flirtation +--mere empty, valueless, heartless flirtation. You hide the dice-box and +the billiard queue, lest your son become a gambler--you put aside the +racing calendar, lest he imbibe a jockey predilection--but you never +tremble at his fondness for white muslin and a satin slipper, far more +dangerous tastes though they be, and infinitely more perilous to a man's +peace and prosperity than all the "queens of trumps" that ever figured, +whether on pasteboard or the Doncaster. "Woman's my weakness, yer +honor," said an honest Patlander, on being charged before the lord mayor +with having four wives living; and without having any such "Algerine act" +upon my conscience, I must, I fear, enter a somewhat similar plea for my +downfallings, and avow in humble gratitude, that I have scarcely had a +misfortune through life unattributable to them in one way or another. +And this I say without any reference to country, class, or complexion, +"black, brown or fair," from my first step forth into life, a raw sub. +in the gallant 4_th, to this same hour, I have no other avowal, no other +confession to make. "Be always ready with the pistol," was the dying +advice of an Irish statesman to his sons: mine, in a similar +circumstance, would rather be "Gardez vous des femmes," and more +especially if they be Irish. + +There is something almost treacherous in the facility with which an +Irish girl receives your early attentions and appears to like them, +that invariably turns a young fellow's head very long before he has any +prospect of touching her heart. She thinks it so natural to be made love +to, that there is neither any affected coyness nor any agitated surprise. +She listens to your declaration of love as quietly as the chief justice +would to one of law, and refers the decision to a packed jury of her +relatives, who rarely recommend you to mercy. Love and fighting, too, +are so intimately united in Ireland, that a courtship rarely progresses +without at least one exchange of shots between some of the parties +concerned. My first twenty-four hours in Dublin is so pleasantly +characteristic of this that I may as well relate it here, while the +subject is before us; besides, as these "Confessions" are intended as +warnings and guides to youth, I may convey a useful lesson, showing why +a man should not "make love in the dark." + +It was upon a raw, cold, drizzling morning in February, 18__, that our +regiment landed on the North-wall from Liverpool, whence we had been +hurriedly ordered to repress some riots and disturbances then agitating +Dublin. + +We marched to the Royal Barracks, our band playing Patrick's Day, to the +very considerable admiration of as naked a population as ever loved +music. The __th dragoons were at the same time quartered there--right +pleasant jovial fellows, who soon gave us to understand that the troubles +were over before we arrived, and that the great city authorities were now +returning thanks for their preservation from fire and sword, by a series +of entertainments of the most costly, but somewhat incongruous kind--the +company being scarce less melee than the dishes. Peers and playactors, +judges and jailors, archbishops, tailors, attorneys, ropemakers and +apothecaries, all uniting in the festive delight of good feeding, and +drinking the "glorious memory"--but of whom half the company knew not, +only surmising "it was something agin the papists." You may smile, but +these were pleasant times, and I scarcely care to go back there since +they were changed. But to return. The __th had just received an +invitation to a ball, to be given by the high sheriff, and to which they +most considerately said we should also be invited. This negociation was +so well managed that before noon we all received our cards from a green +liveried youth, mounted on a very emaciated pony--the whole turn-out not +auguring flatteringly of the high sheriff's taste in equipage. + +We dined with the __th, and, as customary before going to an evening +party, took the "other bottle" of claret that lies beyond the frontier of +prudence. In fact, from the lieutenant-colonel down to the newly-joined +ensign, there was not a face in the party that did not betray "signs of +the times" that boded most favourably for the mirth of the sheriff's +ball. We were so perfectly up to the mark, that our major, a Connemara +man, said, as we left the mess-room, "a liqueure glass would spoil us." + +In this acme of our intellectual wealth, we started about eleven o'clock +upon every species of conveyance that chance could press into the +service. Of hackney coaches there were few--but in jingles, noddies, and +jaunting-cars, with three on a side and "one in the well," we mustered +strong--Down Barrack-street we galloped, the mob cheering us, we +laughing, and I'm afraid shouting a little, too--the watchmen springing +their rattles, as if instinctively at noise, and the whole population up +and awake, evidently entertaining a high opinion of our convivial +qualities. Our voices became gradually more decorous, however, as we +approached the more civilized quarter of the town; and with only the +slight stoppage of the procession to pick up an occasional dropper-off, +as he lapsed from the seat of a jaunting-car, we arrived at length at our +host's residence, somewhere in Sackville-street. + +Had our advent conferred the order of knighthood upon the host, he could +not have received us with more "empressement." He shook us all in turn +by the hand, to the number of eight and thirty, and then presented us +seriatim to his spouse, a very bejewelled lady of some forty years--who, +what between bugles, feathers, and her turban, looked excessively like a +Chinese pagoda upon a saucer. The rooms were crowded to suffocation--the +noise awful--and the company crushing and elbowing rather a little more +than you expect where the moiety are of the softer sex. However, "on +s'habitue a tout," sayeth the proverb, and with truth, for we all so +perfectly fell in with the habits of the place, that ere half an hour, +we squeezed, ogled, leered, and drank champagne like the rest of the +corporation. + +"Devilish hot work, this," said the colonel, as he passed me with two +rosy-cheeked, smiling ladies on either arm; "the mayor--that little +fellow in the punch-coloured shorts--has very nearly put me hors de +combat with champagne; take care of him, I advise you." + +Tipsy as I felt myself, I was yet sufficiently clear to be fully alive +to the drollery of the scene before me. Flirtations that, under other +circumstances, would demand the secrecy and solitude of a country green +lane, or some garden bower, were here conducted in all the open +effrontery of wax lights and lustres; looks were interchanged, hands +were squeezed, and soft things whispered, and smiles returned; till +the intoxication of "punch negus" and spiced port, gave way to the far +greater one of bright looks and tender glances. Quadrilles and country +dances--waltzing there was none, (perhaps all for the best)--whist, +backgammon, loo--unlimited for uproar--sandwiches, and warm liquors, +employed us pretty briskly till supper was announced, when a grand +squeeze took place on the stairs--the population tending thitherward with +an eagerness that a previous starvation of twenty-four hours could alone +justify. Among this dense mass of moving muslin, velvet and broad-cloth, +I found myself chaperoning an extremely tempting little damsel, with a +pair of laughing blue eyes and dark eyelashes, who had been committed to +my care and guidance for the passage. + +"Miss Moriarty, Mr. Lorrequer," said an old lady in green and spangles, +who I afterwards found was the lady mayoress. + +"The nicest girl in the room," said a gentleman with a Tipperary accent, +"and has a mighty nice place near Athlone." + +The hint was not lost upon me, and I speedily began to faire l'amiable to +my charge; and before we reached the supper room, learned certain +particulars of her history, which I have not yet forgot. She was, it +seems, sister to a lady then in the room, the wife of an attorney, who +rejoiced in the pleasing and classical appellation of Mr. Mark Anthony +Fitzpatrick; the aforesaid Mark Anthony being a tall, raw-boned, +black-whiskered, ill-looking dog, that from time to time contrived to +throw very uncomfortable looking glances at me and Mary Anne, for she was +so named, the whole time of supper. After a few minutes, however, I +totally forgot him, and, indeed, every thing else, in the fascination of +my fair companion. She shared her chair with me, upon which I supported +her by my arm passed round the back; we eat our pickled salmon, jelly, +blanc mange, cold chicken, ham, and custard; off the same plate, with an +occasional squeeze of the finger, as our hands met--her eyes making sad +havoc with me all the while, as I poured my tale of love--love, lasting, +burning, all-consuming--into her not unwilling ear. + +"Ah! now, ye'r not in earnest?" + +"Yes, Mary Anne, by all that's"-- + +"Well, there now, don't swear, and take care--sure Mark Anthony is +looking." + +"Mark Anthony be--" + +"Oh! how passionate you are; I'm sure I never could live easy with you. +There, now, give me some sponge cake, and don't be squeezing me, or +they'll see you." + +"Yes, to my heart, dearest girl." + +"Och, it's cheese you're giving me," said she, with a grimace that nearly +cured my passion. + +"A cottage, a hut, with you--with you," said I, in a cadence that I defy +Macready to rival--"what is worldly splendour, or the empty glitter of +rank." + +I here glanced at my epaulettes, upon which I saw her eyes rivetted. + +"Isn't the ginger beer beautiful," said she, emptying a glass of +champagne. + +Still I was not to be roused from my trance, and continued my courtship +as warmly as ever. + +"I suppose you'll come home now," said a gruff voice behind Mary Anne. + +I turned and perceived Mark Anthony with a grim look of peculiar import. + +"Oh, Mark dear, I'm engaged to dance another set with this gentleman." + +"Ye are, are ye?" replied Mark, eyeing me askance. "Troth and I think +the gentleman would be better if he went off to his flea-bag himself." + +In my then mystified intellect this west country synonyme for a bed a +little puzzled me. + +"Yes sir, the lady is engaged to me: have you any thing to say to that?" + +"Nothing at present, at all," said Mark, almost timidly. + +"Oh dear, oh dear," sobbed Mary Anne; "they're going to fight, and he'll +be killed--I know he will." + +For which of us this fate was destined, I stopped not to consider, but +amid a very sufficient patting upon the back, and thumping between the +shoulders, bestowed by members of the company who approved of my +proceedings. The three fiddles, the flute, and bassoon, that formed our +band, being by this time sufficiently drunk, played after a fashion of +their own, which by one of those strange sympathies of our nature, +imparted its influence to our legs, and a country dance was performed in +a style of free and easy gesticulation that defies description. At the +end of eighteen couple, tired of my exertions--and they were not slight +--I leaned my back against the wall of the room, which I now, for the +first time, perceived was covered with a very peculiar and novel species +of hanging--no less than a kind of rough, green baize cloth, that moved +and floated at every motion of the air. I paid little attention to this, +till suddenly turning my head, something gave way behind it. I felt +myself struck upon the back of the neck, and fell forward into the room, +covered by a perfect avalanche of fenders, fire-irons, frying-pans, and +copper kettles, mingled with the lesser artillery of small nails, door +keys, and holdfasts. There I lay amid the most vociferous mirth I ever +listened to, under the confounded torrent of ironmongery that +half-stunned me. The laughter over, I was assisted to rise, and having +drank about a pint of vinegar, and had my face and temples washed in +strong whiskey punch--the allocation of the fluids being mistaken, I +learned that our host, the high sheriff, was a celebrated tin and iron +man, and that his salles de reception were no other than his magazine of +metals, and that to conceal the well filled shelves from the gaze of his +aristocratic guests, they were clothed in the manner related; which my +unhappy head, by some misfortune, displaced, and thus brought on a +calamity scarcely less afflicting to him than to myself. I should +scarcely have stopped to mention this here, were it not that Mary Anne's +gentle nursing of me in my misery went far to complete what her +fascination had begun; and although she could not help laughing at the +occurrence, I forgave her readily for her kindness. + +"Remember," said I, trying to ogle through a black eye, painted by the +angle of a register grate--"remember, Mary Anne, I am to see you home." + +"Oh! dear, sir, sure I don't know how you can manage it--" + +Here Mark Anthony's entrance cut short this speech, for he came to +declare that some of the officers had taken his coach, and was, as might +be supposed, in a towering passion. + +"If, sir," said I, with an air of the most balmy courtesy--"If I can be +of any use in assisting you to see your friends home--" + +"Ah! then, ye'r a nice looking article to see ladies home. I wish you +seen yourself this minute," said he. + +As I felt it would be no breach of the unities--time, place, and every +thing considered--to smash his skull, I should certainly have proceeded +to do so, had not a look of the most imploring kind from Mary Anne +restrained me. By this time, he had taken her under the arm, and was +leading her away. I stood irresolute, till a glance from my charmer +caught me; when I rallied at once, and followed them down stairs. Here +the scene was the full as amusing as above; the cloaking, shawling, +shoeing, &c., of the ladies being certainly as mirth-moving a process +as I should wish to see. Here were mothers trying to collect their +daughters, as a hen her chickens, and as in that case, the pursuit of one +usually lost all the others; testy papas swearing, lovers leering, as +they twisted the boas round the fair throats of their sweethearts; vows +of love, mingling with lamentations for a lost slipper, or a stray +mantle. Sometimes the candles were extinguished, and the melee became +greater, till the order and light were restored together. Meanwhile, +each of our fellows had secured his fair one, save myself, and I was +exposed to no small ridicule for my want of savoir faire. Nettled at +this, I made a plunge to the corner of the room, where Mary Anne was +shawling; I recognized her pink sash, threw her cloak over her shoulders, +and at the very moment that Mark Anthony drew his wife's arm within his, +I performed the same by my friend, and followed them to the door. Here, +the grim brother-in-law turned round to take Mary Anne's arm, and seeing +her with me, merely gave a kind of hoarse chuckle, and muttered, "Very +well, sir: upon my conscience you will have it, I see." During this +brief interval, so occupied was I in watching him, that I never once +looked in my fair friend's face; but the gentle squeeze of her arm, as +she leaned upon me, assured me that I had her approval of what I was +doing. + +What were the precise train of my thoughts, and what the subjects of +conversation between us, I am unfortunately now unable to recollect. +It is sufficient to remember, that I could not believe five minutes had +elapsed, when we arrived at York-street. "Then you confess you love me," +said I, as I squeezed her arm to my side. + +"Then, by this kiss," said I, "I swear, never to relinquish."-- + +What I was about to add, I am sure I know not; but true it is, that a +certain smacking noise here attracted Mr. Mark Anthony's attention, who +started round, looked as full in the face, and then gravely added, +"Enough is as good as a feast. I wish you pleasant drames, Mr. Larry +Kar, if that's your name; and you'll hear from me in the morning." + +"I intend it," said I. "Good night, dearest; think of--" The slam of +the street door in my face spoiled the peroration, and I turned towards +home. + +By the time I reached the barracks, the united effects of the champagne, +sherry, and Sheffield iron, had, in a good measure subsided, and my head +had become sufficiently clear to permit a slight retrospect of the +evening's amusement. + +From two illusions I was at least awakened:--First, the high sheriff's +ball was not the most accurate representation of high society; secondly, +I was not deeply enamoured of Mary Anne Moriarty. Strange as it may +seem, and how little soever the apparent connexion between those two +facts, the truth of one had a considerable influence in deciding the +other. N'importe, said I, the thing is over; it was rather good fun, +too, upon the whole--saving the "chute des casseroles;" and as to the +lady, she must have seen it was a joke as well as myself. At least, so I +am decided it shall be; and as there was no witness to our conversation, +the thing is easily got out of. + +The following day, as I was dressing to ride out, my servant announced no +less a person than Mr. Mark Anthony Fitzpatrick, who said "that he came +upon a little business, and must see me immediately." + +Mr. Fitzpatrick, upon being announced, speedily opened his negociation by +asking in very terse and unequivocal phrase, my intentions regarding his +sister-in-law. After professing the most perfect astonishment at the +question, and its possible import, I replied, that she was a most +charming person, with whom I intended to have nothing whatever to do. + +"And maybe you never proposed for her at the ball last night?" + +"Propose for a lady at a ball the first time I ever met her!" + +"Just so. Can you carry your memory so far back? or, perhaps I had +better refresh it;" and he here repeated the whole substance of my +conversation on the way homeward, sometimes in the very words I used. + +"But, my dear sir, the young lady could never have supposed I used such +language as this you have repeated?" + +"So, then, you intend to break off? Well, then, it's right to tell you +that you're in a very ugly scrape, for it was my wife you took home last +night--not Miss Moriarty; and I leave you to choose at your leisure +whether you'd rather be defendant in a suit for breach of promise or +seduction; and, upon my conscience, I think it's civil in me to give you +a choice." + +What a pretty disclosure was here! So that while I was imaging myself +squeezing the hand and winning the heart of the fair Mary Anne, I was +merely making a case of strong evidence for a jury, that might expose me +to the world, and half ruin me in damages. There was but one course +open--to make a fight for it; and, from what I saw of my friend Mark +Anthony, this did not seem difficult. + +I accordingly assumed a high tone--laughed at the entire affair--said it +was a "way we had in the army"--that "we never meant any thing by it," +&c. &c. + +In a few minutes I perceived the bait was taking. Mr. Fitzpatrick's west +country blood was up: all thought of the legal resource was abandoned; +and he flung out of the room to find a friend, I having given him the +name of "one of ours" as mine upon the occasion. + +Very little time was lost, for before three o'clock that afternoon a +meeting was fixed for the following morning at the North Bull; and I had +the satisfaction of hearing that I only escaped the malignant eloquence +of Holmes in the King's Bench, to be "blazed" at by the best shot on the +western circuit. The thought was no way agreeable, and I indemnified +myself for the scrape by a very satisfactory anathema upon the high +sheriff and his ball, and his confounded saucepans; for to the lady's +sympathy for my sufferings I attributed much of my folly. + +At eight the next morning I found myself standing with Curzon and the +doctor upon that bleak portion of her majesty's dominion they term the +North Bull, waiting in a chilly rain, and a raw fog, till it pleased Mark +Anthony Fitzpatrick, to come and shoot me--such being the precise terms +of our combat, in the opinion of all parties. + +The time, however, passed on, and half-past eight, three quarters, and at +last nine o'clock, without his appearing; when, just as Curzon had +resolved upon our leaving the ground, a hack jaunting-car was seen +driving at full speed along the road near us. It came nearer and at +length drew up; two men leaped off and came towards us; one of whom, as +he came forward, took off his hat politely, and introduced himself as Mr. +O'Gorman, the fighting friend of Mark Anthony. + +"It's a mighty unpleasant business I'm come upon, gentlemen," said he, +"Mr. Fitzpatrick has been unavoidedly prevented from having the happiness +to meet you this morning--" + +"Then you can't expect us, sir, to dance attendance upon him here +to-morrow," said Curzon, interrupting. + +"By no manner of means," replied the other, placidly; "for it would be +equally inconvenient for him to be here then. But I have only to say, +maybe you'd have the kindness to waive all etiquette, and let me stand in +his place." + +"Certainly and decidedly not," said Curzon. "Waive etiquette!--why, sir, +we have no quarrel with you; never saw you before." + +"Well, now, isn't this hard?" said Mr. O'Gorman, addressing his friend, +who stood by with a pistol-case under his arm; "but I told Mark that I +was sure they'd be standing upon punctilio, for they were English. Well, +sir," said he, turning towards Curzon, "there's but one way to arrange it +now, that I see. Mr. Fitzpatrick, you must know, was arrested this +morning for a trifle of L140. If you or your friend there, will join us +in the bail we can get him out, and he'll fight you in the morning to +your satisfaction." + +When the astonishment this proposal had created subsided, we assured +Mr. O'Gorman that we were noways disposed to pay such a price for our +amusement--a fact that seemed considerably to surprise both him and his +friend--and adding, that to Mr. Fitzpatrick personally, we should feel +bound to hold ourselves pledged at a future period, we left the ground, +Curzon laughing heartily at the original expedient thus suggested, and I +inwardly pronounced a most glowing eulogy on the law of imprisonment for +debt. + +Before Mr. Fitzpatrick obtained the benefit of the act, we were ordered +abroad, and I have never since heard of him. + + + + +CHAPTER XL. + +THE TWO LETTERS. + +From the digression of the last chapter I was recalled by the sight of +the two letters which lay during my reverie unopened before me. I first +broke the seal of Lady Callonby's epistle, which ran thus: + + "Munich, La Croix Blanche, + + "My dear Mr. Lorrequer--I have just heard from Kilkee, that you are + at length about to pay us your long promised visit, and write these + few lines to beg that before leaving Paris you will kindly execute + for me the commissions of which I enclose a formidable list, or at + least as many of them as you can conveniently accomplish. Our stay + here now will be short, that it will require all your despatch to + overtake us before reaching Milan, Lady Jane's health requiring an + immediate change of climate. Our present plans are, to winter in + Italy, although such will interfere considerably with Lord Callonby, + who is pressed much by his friends to accept office. However, all + this and our other gossip I reserve for our meeting. Meanwhile, + adieu, and if any of my tasks bore you, omit them at once, except + the white roses and the Brussels veil, which Lady Jane is most + anxious for. + + "Sincerely yours, + "Charlotte Callonby." + +How much did these few and apparently common-place lines convey to me? +First, my visit was not only expected, but actually looked forward to, +canvassed--perhaps I might almost whisper to myself the flattery--wished +for. Again, Lady Jane's health was spoken of as precarious, less actual +illness--I said to myself--than mere delicacy requiring the bluer sky and +warmer airs of Italy. Perhaps her spirits were affected--some mental +malady--some ill-placed passion--que sais je? In fact my brain run on +so fast in its devisings, that by a quick process, less logical than +pleasing, I satisfied myself that the lovely Lady Jane Callonby was +actually in love, with whom let the reader guess at. And Lord Callonby +too, about to join the ministry--well, all the better to have one's +father-in-law in power--promotion is so cursed slow now a-days. And +lastly, the sly allusion to the commissions--the mechancete of +introducing her name to interest me. With such materials as these to +build upon, frail as they may seem to others, I found no difficulty in +regarding myself as the dear friend of the family, and the acknowledged +suitor of Lady Jane. + +In the midst, however, of all my self-gratulation, my eye fell upon the +letter of Emily Bingham, and I suddenly remembered how fatal to all such +happy anticipations it might prove. I tore it open in passionate haste +and read-- + + "My dear Mr. Lorrequer--As from the interview we have had this + morning I am inclined to believe that I have gained your affections, + I think that I should ill requite such a state of your feeling for + me, were I to conceal that I cannot return you mine--in fact they + are not mine to bestow. This frank avowal, whatever pain it may + have cost me, I think I owe to you to make. You will perhaps say, + the confession should have been earlier; to which I reply, it should + have been so, had I known, or even guessed at the nature of your + feelings for me. For--and I write it in all truth, and perfect + respect for you--I only saw in your attentions the flirting habits + of a man of the world, with a very uninformed and ignorant girl of + eighteen, with whom as it was his amusement to travel, he deemed it + worth his while to talk. I now see, and bitterly regret my error, + yet deem it better to make this painful confession than suffer you + to remain in a delusion which may involve your happiness in the + wreck of mine. I am most faithfully your friend, + + "Emily Bingham." + +What a charming girl she is, I cried, as I finished the letter; how full +of true feeling, how honourably, how straight-forward: and yet it is +devilish strange how cunningly she played her part--and it seems now that +I never did touch her affections; Master Harry, I begin to fear you are +not altogether the awful lady-killer you have been thinking. Thus did I +meditate upon this singular note--my delight at being once more "free" +mingling with some chagrin that I was jockied, and by a young miss of +eighteen, too. Confoundedly disagreeable if the mess knew it, thought I. +Per Baccho--how they would quiz upon my difficulty to break off a match, +when the lady was only anxious to get rid of me. + +This affair must never come to their ears, or I am ruined; and now, the +sooner all negociations are concluded the better. I must obtain a +meeting with Emily. Acknowledge the truth and justice of all her views, +express my deep regret at the issue of the affair, slily hint that I have +been merely playing her own game back upon her; for it would be the devil +to let her go off with the idea that she had singed me, yet never caught +fire herself; so that we both shall draw stakes, and part friends. + +This valiant resolution taken, I wrote a very short note, begging an +interview, and proceeded to make as formidable a toilet as I could for +the forthcoming meeting; before I had concluded which, a verbal answer by +her maid informed me, that "Miss Bingham was alone, and ready to receive +me." + +As I took my way along the corridor, I could not help feeling that among +all my singular scrapes and embarassing situations through life, my +present mission was certainly not the least--the difficulty, such as it +was, being considerably increased by my own confounded "amour propre," +that would not leave me satisfied with obtaining my liberty, if I could +not insist upon coming off scathless also. In fact, I was not content to +evacuate the fortress, if I were not to march out with all the honours of +war. This feeling I neither attempt to palliate nor defend, I merely +chronicle it as, are too many of these confessions, a matter of truth, +yet not the less a subject for sorrow. + +My hand was upon the lock of the door. I stopped, hesitated, and +listened. I certainly heard something. Yes, it is too true--she is +sobbing. What a total overthrow to all my selfish resolves, all my +egotistical plans, did that slight cadence give. She was crying--her +tears for the bitter pain she concluded I was suffering--mingling +doubtless with sorrow for her own sources of grief--for it was clear to +me that whoever may have been my favoured rival, the attachment was +either unknown to, or unsanctioned by the mother. I wished I had not +listened; all my determinations were completely routed and as I opened +the door I felt my heart beating almost audibly against my side. + +In a subdued half-light--tempered through the rose-coloured curtains, +with a small sevres cup of newly-plucked moss-roses upon the table--sat, +or rather leaned, Emily Bingham, her face buried in her hands as +I entered. She did not hear my approach, so that I had above a minute +to admire the graceful character of her head, and the fine undulating +curve of her neck and shoulders, before I spoke. + +"Miss Bingham," said I-- + +She started--looked up--her dark blue eyes, brilliant though tearful, +were fixed upon me for a second, as if searching my very inmost thoughts. +She held out her hand, and turning her head aside, made room for me on +the sofa beside her. Strange girl, thought I, that in the very moment +of breaking with a man for ever, puts on her most fascinating toilette +--arrays herself in her most bewitching manner, and gives him a reception +only calculated to turn his head, and render him ten times more in love +than ever. Her hand, which remained still in mine, was burning as if in +fever, and the convulsive movement of her neck and shoulders showed me +how much this meeting cost her. We were both silent, till at length, +feeling that any chance interruption might leave us as far as ever from +understanding each other, I resolved to begin. + +"My dear, dear Emily," I said, "do not I entreat of you add to the misery +I am this moment enduring by letting me see you thus. Whatever your +wrongs towards me, this is far too heavy a retribution. My object was +never to make you wretched, if I am not to obtain the bliss, to strive +and make you happy." + +"Oh, Harry"--this was the first time she had ever so called me--"how like +you, to think of me--of me, at such a time, as if I was not the cause of +all our present unhappiness--but not wilfully, not intentionally. Oh, +no, no--your attentions--the flattery of your notice, took me at once, +and, in the gratification of my self-esteem, I forgot all else. I heard, +too, that you were engaged to another, and believing, as I did, that you +were trifling with my affections, I spared no effort to win your's. I +confess it, I wished this with all my soul." + +"And now," said I, "that you have gained them"--Here was a pretty sequel +to my well matured plans!--"And now Emily"-- + +"But have I really done so?" said she, hurriedly turning round and fixing +her large full eyes upon me, while one of her hands played convulsively +through my hair--"have I your heart? your whole heart?" + +"Can you doubt it, dearest," said I, passionately pressing her to my +bosom; and at the same time muttering, "What the devil's in the wind now; +we are surely not going to patch up our separation, and make love in +earnest." + +There she lay, her head upon my shoulder, her long, brown, waving +ringlets falling loosely across my face and on my bosom, her hand in +mine. What were her thoughts I cannot guess--mine, God forgive me, were +a fervent wish either for her mother's appearance, or that the hotel +would suddenly take fire, or some other extensive calamity arise to put +the finishing stroke to this embarassing situation. + +None of these, however, were destined to occur; and Emily lay still and +motionless as she was, scarce seeming to breathe, and pale as death. +What can this mean, said I, surely this is not the usual way to treat +with a rejected suitor; if it be, why then, by Jupiter the successful one +must have rather the worst of it--and I fervently hope that Lady Jane be +not at this moment giving his conge to some disappointed swain. She +slowly raised her long, black fringed eyelids, and looked into my face, +with an expression at once so tender and so plaintive, that I felt a +struggle within myself whether to press her to my heart, or--what the +deuce was the alternative. I hope my reader knows, for I really do not. +And after all, thought I, if we are to marry, I am only anticipating a +little; and if not, why then a "chaste salute," as Winifred Jenkins calls +it, she'll be none the worse for. Acting at once upon this resolve, I +leaned downwards, and passing back her ringlets from her now flushed +cheek, I was startled by my name, which I heard called several times in +the corridor. The door at the same instant was burst suddenly open, and +Trevanion appeared. + +"Harry, Harry Lorrequer," cried he, as he entered; then suddenly checking +himself, added "a thousand, ten thousand pardons. But--" + +"But what," cried I passionately, forgetting all save the situation of +poor Emily at the moment, "what can justify--" + +"Nothing certainly can justify such an intrusion," said Trevanion, +finishing my sentence for me, "except the very near danger you run this +moment in being arrested. O'Leary's imprudence has compromised your +safety, and you must leave Paris within an hour." + +"Oh, Mr. Trevanion," said Emily, who by this time had regained a more +befitting attitude, "pray speak out; what is it? is Harry--is Mr. +Lorrequer, I mean, in any danger?" + +"Nothing of consequence, Miss Bingham, if he only act with prudence, and +be guided by his friends. Lorrequer, you will find me in your apartments +in half an hour--till then, adieu." + +While Emily poured forth question after question, as to the nature and +extent of my present difficulty, I could not help thinking of the tact +by which Trevanion escaped, leaving me to make my adieux to Emily as best +I might--for I saw in a glance that I must leave Paris at once. +I, therefore, briefly gave her to understand the affair at the salon +--which I suspected to be the cause of the threatened arrest--and was +about to profess my unaltered and unalterable attachment, when she +suddenly stopped me. + +"No, Mr. Lorrequer, no. All is over between us. We must never meet +again--never. We have been both playing a part. Good by--good by: do +not altogether forget me--and once more, Harry good by." + +What I might have said, thought, or done, I know not; but the arrival of +Mrs. Bingham's carriage at the door left no time for any thing but +escape. So, once more pressing her hand firmly to my lips, I said--"au +revoir, Emily, au revoir, not good by," and rushing from the room, +regained my own, just as Mrs. Bingham reached the corridor. + + + + +CHAPTER XLI. + +MR. O'LEARY'S CAPTURE. + +Does she really care for me? was my first question to myself as I left +the room. Is this story about pre-engaged affections merely a got up +thing, to try the force of my attachment for her? for, if not, her +conduct is most inexplicable; and great as my experience has been in +such affairs, I avow myself out maneuvered. While I thought over this +difficulty, Trevanion came up, and in a few words, informed me more fully +upon what he hinted at before. It appeared that O'Leary, much more alive +to the imperative necessity of avoiding detection by his sposa, than of +involving himself with the police, had thrown out most dark and +mysterious hints in the hotel as to the reason of his residence at Paris; +fully impressed with the idea that, to be a good Pole, he need only talk +"revolutionary;" devote to the powers below, all kings, czars, and +kaisers; weep over the wrongs of his nation; wear rather seedy +habiliments, and smoke profusely. The latter were with him easy +conditions, and he so completely acted the former to the life, that he +had been that morning arrested in the Tuilleries gardens, under several +treasonable charges--among others, the conspiracy, with some of his +compatriots to murder the minister of war. + +However laughable such an accusation against poor O'Leary, one +circumstance rendered the matter any thing but ludicrous. Although he +must come off free of this grave offence, yet, the salon transaction +would necessarily now become known; I should be immediately involved, +and my departure from Paris prevented. + +"So," said Trevanion, as he briefly laid before me the difficulty of my +position, "you may perceive that however strongly your affections may be +engaged in a certain quarter, it is quite as well to think of leaving +Paris without delay. O'Leary's arrest will be followed by yours, depend +upon it; and once under the surveillance of the police, escape is +impossible." + +"But, seriously, Trevanion," said I, nettled at the tone of raillery he +spoke in, "you must see that there is nothing whatever in that business. +I was merely taking my farewell of the fair Emily. Her affections have +been long since engaged, and I--" + +"Only endeavouring to support her in her attachment to the more favoured +rival. Is it not so?" + +"Come, no quizzing. Faith I began to feel very uncomfortable about +parting with her, the moment that I discovered that I must do so." + +"So I guessed," said Trevanion, with a dry look, "from the interesting +scene I so abruptly trespassed upon. But you are right; a little bit of +tendresse is never misplaced, so long as the object is young, pretty, and +still more than all, disposed for it." + +"Quite out; perfectly mistaken, believe me. Emily not only never cared +for me; but she has gone far enough to tell me so." + +"Then, from all I know of such matters," replied he, "you were both in a +very fair way to repair that mistake on her part. But hark! what is +this?" A tremendous noise in the street here interrupted our colloquy, +and on opening the window, a strange scene presented itself to our eyes. +In the middle of a dense mass of moving rabble, shouting, yelling, and +screaming, with all their might, were two gens d'armes with a prisoner +between them. The unhappy man was followed by a rather well-dressed, +middle-aged looking woman, who appeared to be desirous of bestowing the +most covam publico endearments upon the culprit, whom a second glance +showed us was O'Leary. + +"I tell you, my dear madam, you are mistaken," said O'Leary, addressing +her with great sternness of manner and voice. + +"Mistaken! Never, never. How could I ever be mistaken in that dear +voice, those lovely eyes, that sweet little nose?" + +"Take her away; she's deranged," said O'Leary to the gens d'armes. +"Sure, if I'm a Pole, that's enough of misfortune." + +"I'll follow him to the end of the earth, I will." + +"I'm going to the galleys, God be praised," said O'Leary. + +"To the galleys--to the guillotine--any where," responded she, throwing +herself upon his neck, much less, as it seemed, to his gratification, +than that of the mob, who laughed and shouted most uproariously. + +"Mrs. Ram, ain't you ashamed?" + +"He calls me by my name," said she, "and he attempts to disown me. Ha! +ha! ha! ha!" and immediately fell off into a strong paroxysm of kicking, +and pinching, and punching the bystanders, a malady well known under the +name of hysterics; but being little more than a privileged mode, among +certain ladies, of paying off some scores, which it is not thought decent +to do in their more sober moments. + +"Lead me away--anywhere--convict me of what you like," said he, "but +don't let her follow me." + +The gens d'armes, who little comprehended the nature of the scene before +them, were not sorry to anticipate a renewal of it on Mrs. Ram's +recovery, and accordingly seized the opportunity to march on with +O'Leary, who turned the corner of the Rue Rivoli, under a shower of +"meurtriers" and "scelerats" from the mob, that fell fortunately most +unconsciously upon his ears. + +The possibility of figuring in such a procession contributed much to the +force of Trevanion's reasonings, and I resolved to leave Paris at once. + +"Promise me, then, to involve yourself in no more scrapes for +half-an-hour. Pack every thing you shall want with you, and, by seven +o'clock, I shall be here with your passport and all ready for a start." + +With a beating brain, and in a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts, I threw +my clothes hither and thither into my trunk; Lady Jane and Emily both +flitting every instant before my imagination, and frequently an +irresolution to proceed stopping all my preparations for departure, I sat +down musing upon a chair, and half determined to stay where I was, coute +qui coute. Finally, the possibility of exposure in a trial, had its +weight. I continued my occupation till the last coat was folded, and the +lock turned, when I seated myself opposite my luggage, and waited +impatiently for my friend's return. + + + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, v6 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + + +Volume 6. (Chapter XLII-LV) + + + +Contents: + +CHAPTER XLII. +The Journey + +CHAPTER XLIII. +The Journey + +CHAPTER XLIV. +A Reminscence of the East + +CHAPTER XLV. +A Day in the Phoenix + +CHAPTER XLVI. +An Adventure in Canada + +CHAPTER XLVII. +The Courier's Passport + +CHAPTER XLVIII. +A Night in Strasbourg + +CHAPTER XLIX. +A Surprise + +CHAPTER L. +Jack Waller's Story + +CHAPTER LI. +Munich + +CHAPTER LII. +Inn at Munich + +CHAPTER LIII. +The Ball + +CHAPTER LIV. +A Discovery + +CHAPTER LV. +Conclusion + + + + +CHAPTER XLII. + +THE JOURNEY. + +Trevanion came at last. He had obtained my passport, and engaged a +carriage to convey me about eight miles, where I should overtake the +diligence--such a mode of travelling being judged more likely to favour +my escape, by attracting less attention than posting. It was past ten +when I left the Rue St. Honore, having shaken hands with Trevanion for +the last time, and charged him with ten thousand soft messages for the +"friends" I left behind me. + +When I arrived at the village of St. Jacques, the diligence had not come +up. To pass away the time, I ordered a little supper and a bottle of St. +Julien. Scarcely had I seated myself to my "cotelette," when the rapid +whirl of wheels was heard without, and a cab drew up suddenly at the +door. So naturally does the fugitive suspect pursuit, that my immediate +impression was, that I was followed. In this notion I was strengthened +by the tones of a cracked, discordant voice, asking in very peculiar +French if the "diligence had passed?" Being answered in the negative he +walked into the room where I was, and speedily by his appearance, removed +any apprehensions I had felt as to my safety. Nothing could less +resemble the tall port and sturdy bearing of a gendarme, than the +diminutive and dwarfish individual before me. His height could scarcely +have reached five feet, of which the head formed fully a fourth part; and +even this was rendered in appearance still greater by a mass of loosely +floating black hair that fell upon his neck and shoulders, and gave him +much the air of a "black lion" on a sign board. His black frock, +fur-collared and braided--his ill-made boots, his meerschaum projecting +from his breast-pocket, above all, his unwashed hands, and a heavy gold +ring upon his thumb--all made up an ensemble of evidences that showed he +could be nothing but a German. His manner was bustling, impatient, and +had it not been ludicrous, would certainly be considered as insolent to +every one about him, for he stared each person abruptly in the face, and +mumbled some broken expressions of his opinion of them half-aloud in +German. His comments ran on:--"Bon soir, Monsieur," to the host: "Ein +boesewicht, ganz sicher"--"a scoundrel without doubt;" and then added, +still lower, "Rob you here as soon as look at you." "Ah, postillion! +comment va?"--"much more like a brigand after all--I know which I'd take +you for." "Ver fluchte fraw"--"how ugly the woman is." This compliment +was intended for the hostess, who curtsied down to the ground in her +ignorance. At last approaching me, he stopped, and having steadily +surveyed me, muttered, "Ein echter Englander"--"a thorough Englishman, +always eating." I could not resist the temptation to assure him that I +was perfectly aware of his flattering impression in my behalf, though I +had speedily to regret my precipitancy, for, less mindful of the rebuke +than pleased at finding some one who understood German, he drew his chair +beside me and entered into conversation. + +Every one has surely felt, some time or other in life, the insufferable +annoyance of having his thoughts and reflections interfered with, and +broken in upon by the vulgar impertinence and egotism of some "bore," +who, mistaking your abstraction for attention and your despair for +delight, inflicts upon you his whole life and adventures, when your own +immediate destinies are perhaps vacillating in the scale. + +Such a doom was now mine! Occupied as I was by the hope of the future, +and my fears lest any impediment to my escape should blast my prospects +for ever, I preferred appearing to pay attention to this confounded +fellow's "personal narrative" lest his questions, turning on my own +affairs, might excite suspicions as to the reasons of my journey. + +I longed most ardently for the arrival of the diligence, trusting that +with true German thrift, by friend might prefer the cheapness of the +"interieure" to the magnificence of the "coupe," and that thus I should +see no more of him. But in this pleasing hope I was destined to be +disappointed, for I was scarcely seated in my place when I found him +beside me. The third occupant of this "privileged den," as well as my +lamp-light survey of him permitted, afforded nothing to build on as a +compensation for the German. He was a tall, lanky, lantern-jawed man, +with a hook nose and projecting chin; his hair, which had only been +permitted to grow very lately, formed that curve upon his forehead we +see in certain old fashioned horse-shoe wigs; his compressed lip and +hard features gave the expression of one who had seen a good deal of the +world, and didn't think the better of it in consequence. I observed that +he listened to the few words we spoke while getting in with some +attention, and then, like a person who did not comprehend the language, +turned his shoulder towards us, and soon fell asleep. I was now left to +the "tender mercies" of my talkative companion, who certainly spared me +not. Notwithstanding my vigorous resolves to turn a deaf ear to his +narratives, I could not avoid learning that he was the director of music +to some German prince--that he had been to Paris to bring out an opera +which having, as he said, a "success pyramidal," he was about to repeat in +Strasbourg. He further informed me that a depute from Alsace had +obtained for him a government permission to travel with the courier; but +that he being "social" withal, and no ways proud, preferred the democracy +of the diligence to the solitary grandeur of the caleche, (for which +heaven confound him,) and thus became my present companion. + +Music, in all its shapes and forms made up the staple of the little +man's talk. There was scarcely an opera or an overture, from Mozart to +Donizetti, that he did not insist upon singing a scene from; and wound up +all by a very pathetic lamentation over English insensibility to music, +which he in great part attributed to our having only one opera, which he +kindly informed me was "Bob et Joan." However indisposed to check the +current of his loquacity by any effort of mine, I could not avoid the +temptation to translate for him a story which Sir Walter Scott once +related to me, and was so far apropos, as conveying my own sense of the +merits of our national music, such as we have it, by its association with +scenes, and persons, and places we are all familiar with, however +unintelligible to the ear of a stranger. + +A young French viscomte was fortunate enough to obtain in marriage the +hand of a singularly pretty Scotch heiress of an old family and good +fortune, who, amongst her other endowments, possessed a large +old-fashioned house in a remote district of the highlands, where her +ancestors had resided for centuries. Thither the young couple repaired +to pass their honeymoon; the enamoured bridegroom gladly availing himself +of the opportunity to ingratiate himself with his new connexion, by +adopting the seclusion he saw practised by the English on such occasions. +However consonant to our notions of happiness, and however conducive to +our enjoyment this custom be--and I have strong doubts upon the subject +--it certainly prospered ill with the volatile Frenchman, who pined for +Paris, its cafes, its boulevards, its maisons de jeu, and its soirees. +His days were passed in looking from the deep and narrow windows of some +oak-framed room upon the bare and heath-clad moors, or watching the +cloud's shadows as they passed across the dark pine trees that closed the +distance. + +Ennuyee to death, and convinced that he had sacrificed enough and more +than enough to the barbarism which demanded such a "sejour," he was +sitting one evening listlessly upon the terrace in front of the house, +plotting a speedy escape from his gloomy abode, and meditating upon the +life of pleasure that awaited him, when the discordant twang of some +savage music broke upon his ear, and roused him from his reverie. The +wild scream and fitful burst of a highland pibroch is certainly not the +most likely thing in nature to allay the irritable and ruffled feelings +of an irascible person--unless, perhaps, the hearer eschew breeches. So +thought the viscomte. He started hurriedly up, and straight before him, +upon the gravel-walk, beheld the stalwart figure and bony frame of an old +highlander, blowing, with all his lungs, the "Gathering of the clans." +With all the speed he could muster, he rushed into the house, and, +calling his servants, ordered them to expel the intruder, and drive him +at once outside the demesne. When the mandate was made known to the old +piper, it was with the greatest difficulty he could be brought to +comprehend it--for, time out of mind, his approach had been hailed +with every demonstration of rejoicing; and now--but no; the thing was +impossible--there must be a mistake somewhere. He was accordingly about +to recommence, when a second and stronger hint suggested to him that it +were safer to depart. "Maybe the 'carl' did na like the pipes," said the +highlander musingly, as he packed them up for his march. "Maybe he did +na like me;" "perhaps, too, he was na in the humour of music." He paused +for an instant as if reflecting--not satisfied, probably, that he had hit +upon the true solution--when suddenly his eye brightened, his lips +curled, and fixing a look upon the angry Frenchman, he said--"Maybe ye +are right enow--ye heard them ower muckle in Waterloo to like the skirl +o' them ever since;" with which satisfactory explanation, made in no +spirit of bitterness or raillery, but in the simple belief that he had +at last hit the mark of the viscomte's antipathy, the old man gathered +up his plaid and departed. + +However disposed I might have felt towards sleep, the little German +resolved I should not obtain any, for when for half an hour together I +would preserve a rigid silence, he, nowise daunted, had recourse to some +German "lied," which he gave forth with an energy of voice and manner +that must have aroused every sleeper in the diligence: so that, fain to +avoid this, I did my best to keep him on the subject of his adventures, +which, as a man of successful gallantry, were manifold indeed. Wearying +at last, even of this subordinate part, I fell into a kind of half doze. +The words of a student song he continued to sing without ceasing for +above an hour--being the last waking thought on my memory. + +Less as a souvenir of the singer than a specimen of its class I give here +a rough translation of the well-known Burschen melody called + + THE POPE + + I. + The Pope, he leads a happy life, + He fears not married care, nor strife, + He drinks the best of Rhenish wine, + I would the Pope's gay lot were mine. + + CHORUS. + He drinks the best of Rhenish wine. + I would the Pope's gay lot were mine. + + II. + But then all happy's not his life, + He has not maid, nor blooming wife; + Nor child has he to raise his hope-- + I would not wish to be the Pope. + + III. + The Sultan better pleases me, + His is a life of jollity; + His wives are many as he will-- + I would the Sultan's throne then fill. + + IV. + But even he's a wretched man, + He must obey his Alcoran; + And dares not drink one drop of wine-- + I would not change his lot for mine. + + V. + So then I'll hold my lowly stand, + And live in German Vaterland; + I'll kiss my maiden fair and fine, + And drink the best of Rhenish wine. + + VI. + Whene'er my maiden kisses me, + I'll think that I the Sultan be; + And when my cheery glass I tope, + I'll fancy then I am the Pope. + + + + +CHAPTER XLIII. + +THE JOURNEY. + +It was with a feeling of pleasure I cannot explain, that I awoke in the +morning, and found myself upon the road. The turmoil, the bustle, the +never-ending difficulties of my late life in Paris had so over-excited +and worried me, that I could neither think nor reflect. Now all these +cares and troubles were behind me, and I felt like a liberated prisoner +as I looked upon the grey dawn of the coming day, as it gradually melted +from its dull and leaden tint to the pink and yellow hue of the rising +sun. The broad and richly-coloured plains of "la belle France" were +before me--and it is "la belle France," however inferior to parts of +England in rural beauty--the large tracts of waving yellow corn, +undulating like a sea in the morning breeze--the interminable reaches of +forest, upon which the shadows played and flitted, deepening the effect +and mellowing the mass, as we see them in Ruysdael's pictures--while now +and then some tall-gabled, antiquated chateau, with its mutilated terrace +and dowager-like air of bye-gone grandeur, would peep forth at the end of +some long avenue of lime trees, all having their own features of +beauty--and a beauty with which every object around harmonizes well. +The sluggish peasant, in his blouse and striped night-cap--the heavily +caparisoned horse, shaking his head amidst a Babel-tower of gaudy worsted +tassels and brass bells--the deeply laden waggon, creeping slowly +along--are all in keeping with a scene, where the very mist that rises +from the valley seems indolent and lazy, and unwilling to impart the rich +perfume of verdure with which it is loaded. Every land has its own +peculiar character of beauty. The glaciered mountain, the Alpine peak, +the dashing cataract of Switzerland and the Tyrol, are not finer in their +way than the long flat moorlands of a Flemish landscape, with its clump +of stunted willows cloistering over some limpid brook, in which the oxen +are standing for shelter from the noon-day heat--while, lower down, some +rude water-wheel is mingling its sounds with the summer bees and the +merry voices of the miller and his companions. So strayed my thoughts as +the German shook me by the arm, and asked if "I were not ready for my +breakfast?" Luckily to this question there is rarely but the one answer. +Who is not ready for his breakfast when on the road? How delightful, if +on the continent, to escape from the narrow limits of the dungeon-like +diligence, where you sit with your knees next your collar-bone, fainting +with heat and suffocated by dust, and find yourself suddenly beside the +tempting "plats" of a little French dejeune, with its cutlets, its fried +fish, its poulet, its salad, and its little entre of fruit, tempered with +a not despicable bottle of Beaune. If in England, the exchange is nearly +as grateful--for though our travelling be better, and our equipage less +"genante," still it is no small alterative from the stage-coach to the +inn parlour, redolent of aromatic black tea, eggs, and hot toast, with a +hospitable side-board of red, raw surloins, and York hams, that would +made a Jew's mouth water. While, in America, the change is greatest of +all, as any one can vouch for who has been suddenly emancipated from the +stove-heat of a "nine-inside" leathern "conveniency," bumping ten miles +an hour over a corduroy road, the company smoking, if not worse; to the +ample display of luxurious viands displayed upon the breakfast-table, +where, what with buffalo steaks, pumpkin pie, gin cock-tail, and other +aristocratically called temptations, he must be indeed fastidious who +cannot employ his half-hour. Pity it is, when there is so much good to +eat, that people will not partake of it like civilized beings, and with +that air of cheerful thankfulness that all other nations more or less +express when enjoying the earth's bounties. But true it is, that there +is a spirit of discontent in the Yankee, that seems to accept of benefits +with a tone of dissatisfaction, if not distrust. I once made this remark +to an excellent friend of mine now no more, who, however, would not +permit of my attributing this feature to the Americans exclusively, +adding, "Where have you more of this than in Ireland? and surely you +would not call the Irish ungrateful?" He illustrated his first remark by +the following short anecdote:-- + +The rector of the parish my friend lived in was a man who added to the +income he derived from his living a very handsome private fortune, which +he devoted entirely to the benefit of the poor around him. Among the +objects of his bounty one old woman--a childless widow, was remarkably +distinguished. Whether commiserating her utter helplessness or her +complete isolation, he went farther to relieve her than to many, if not +all, the other poor. She frequently was in the habit of pleading her +poverty as a reason for not appearing in church among her neighbours; +and he gladly seized an opportunity of so improving her condition, that +on this score at least no impediment existed. When all his little plans +for her comfort had been carried into execution, he took the opportunity +one day of dropping in, as if accidentally, to speak to her. By degrees +he led the subject to her changed condition in life--the alteration from +a cold, damp, smoky hovel, to a warm, clean, slated house--the cheerful +garden before the door that replaced the mud-heap and the duck-pool--and +all the other happy changes which a few weeks had effected. And he then +asked, did she not feel grateful to a bountiful Providence that had +showered down so many blessings upon her head? + +"Ah, troth, its thrue for yer honour, I am grateful," she replied, in a +whining discordant tone, which astonished the worthy parson. + +"Of course you are, my good woman, of course you are--but I mean to say, +don't you feel that every moment you live is too short to express your +thankfulness to this kind Providence for what he has done?" + +"Ah, darlin', it's all thrue, he's very good, he's mighty kind, so he +is." + +"Why then, not acknowledge it in a different manner?" said the parson, +with some heat--"has he not housed you, and fed you, and clothed you?" + +"Yes, alanah, he done it all." + +"Well, where is your gratitude for all these mercies?" + +"Ah, sure if he did," said the old crone, roused at length by the +importunity of the questioner--"sure if he did, doesn't he take it +out o' me in the corns?" + + + + +CHAPTER XLIV. + +A REMINISCENCE OF THE EAST. + +The breakfast-table assembled around it the three generations of men who +issued from the three subdivisions of the diligence, and presented that +motley and mixed assemblage of ranks, ages, and countries, which forms +so very amusing a part of a traveller's experience. + +First came the "haute aristocratie" of the coupe, then the middle class +of the interieure, and lastly, the tiers etat of the rotonde, with its +melange of Jew money-lenders, under-officers and their wives, a Norman +nurse with a high cap and a red jupe; while, to close the procession, a +German student descended from the roof, with a beard, a blouse, and a +meerschaum. Of such materials was our party made up; and yet, differing +in all our objects and interests, we speedily amalgamated into a very +social state of intimacy, and chatted away over our breakfast with much +good humour and gaiety. Each person of the number seeming pleased at the +momentary opportunity of finding a new listener, save my tall companion +of the coupe. He preserved a dogged silence, unbroken by even a chance +expression to the waiter, who observed his wants and supplied them by a +species of quick instinct, evidently acquired by practice. As I could +not help feeling somewhat interested about the hermit-like attachment he +evinced for solitude, I watched him narrowly for some time, and at length +as the "roti" made its appearance before him, after he had helped himself +and tasted it, he caught my eye fixed upon him, and looking at me +intently for a few seconds, he seemed to be satisfied in some passing +doubt he laboured under, as he said with a most peculiar shake of the +head--"No mangez, no mangez cela." + +"Ah," said I, detecting in my friend's French his English origin, "you +are an Englishman I find." + +"The devil a doubt of it, darlin'," said he half testily. + +"An Irishman, too--still better," said I. + +"Why then isn't it strange that my French always shows me to be English, +and my English proves me Irish? It's lucky for me there's no going +farther any how." + +Delighted to have thus fallen upon a "character," as the Irishman +evidently appeared, I moved my chair towards his; and finding, however, +he was not half pleased at the manner in which my acquaintance had been +made with him, and knowing his country's susceptibility of being taken by +a story, I resolved to make my advances by narrating a circumstance which +had once befallen me in my early life. + +Our countrymen, English and Irish, travel so much now a days, that one +ought never to feel surprised at finding them anywhere. The instance I +am about to relate will verify to a certain extent the fact, by showing +that no situation is too odd or too unlikely to be within the verge of +calculation. + +When the 10th foot, to which I then belonged, were at Corfu, I obtained +with three other officers a short leave of absence, to make a hurried +tour of the Morea, and taking a passing glance at Constantinople--in +those days much less frequently visited by travellers than at present. + +After rambling pleasantly about for some weeks, we were about to return, +when we determined that before sailing we should accept an invitation +some officers of the "Dwarf" frigate, then stationed there, had given us, +to pass a day at Pera, and pic-nic in the mountain. + +One fine bright morning was therefore selected--a most appetizing little +dinner being carefully packed up--we set out, a party of fourteen, upon +our excursion. + +The weather was glorious, and the scene far finer than any of us had +anticipated--the view from the mountain extending over the entire city, +gorgeous in the rich colouring of its domes and minarets; while, at one +side, the golden horn was visible, crowded with ships of every nation, +and, at the other, a glimpse might be had of the sea of Marmora, blue and +tranquil as it lay beneath. The broad bosom of the Bosphorus was sheeted +out like a map before us--peaceful yet bustling with life and animation. +Here lay the union-jack of old England, floating beside the lilies of +France--we speak of times when lilies were and barricades were not--the +tall and taper spars of a Yankee frigate towering above the low timbers +and heavy hull of a Dutch schooner--the gilded poop and curved galleries +of a Turkish three-decker, anchored beside the raking mast and curved +deck of a suspicious looking craft, whose red-capped and dark-visaged +crew needed not the naked creese at their sides to bespeak them Malays. +The whole was redolent of life, and teeming with food for one's fancy to +conjure from. + +While we were debating upon the choice of a spot for our luncheon, which +should command the chief points of view within our reach, one of the +party came to inform us that he had just discovered the very thing we +were in search of. It was a small kiosk, built upon a projecting rock +that looked down upon the Bosphorus and the city, and had evidently, from +the extended views it presented, been selected as the spot to build upon. +The building itself was a small octagon, open on every side, and +presenting a series of prospects, land and seaward, of the most varied +and magnificent kind. + +Seeing no one near, nor any trace of habitation, we resolved to avail +ourselves of the good taste of the founder; and spreading out the +contents of our hampers, proceeded to discuss a most excellent cold +dinner. When the good things had disappeared, and the wine began to +circulate, one of the party observed that we should not think of enjoying +ourselves before we had filled a bumper to the brim, to the health of our +good king, whose birth-day it chanced to be. Our homeward thoughts and +loyalty uniting, we filled our glasses, and gave so hearty a "hip, hip, +hurra," to our toast, that I doubt if the echoes of those old rocks ever +heard the equal of it. + +Scarcely was the last cheer dying away in the distance, when the door of +the kiosk opened, and a negro dressed in white muslin appeared, his arms +and ancles bearing those huge rings of massive gold, which only persons +of rank distinguish their servants by. + +After a most profound obeisance to the party, he explained in very +tolerable French, that his master the Effendi, Ben Mustapha Al Halak, at +whose charge (in house rent) we were then resting, sent us greetings, and +begged that if not considered as contrary to our usages, &c. we should +permit him and his suite to approach the kiosk and observe us at our +meal. + +Independent of his politeness in the mode of conveying the request, as he +would prove fully as entertaining a sight to us as we could possibly be +to him, we immediately expressed our great willingness to receive his +visit, coupled with a half hint that perhaps he might honour us by +joining the party. + +After a half hour's delay, the door was once more thrown open, and a +venerable old Turk entered: he salaamed three times most reverently, and +motioned to us to be seated, declining, at the same time, by a gentle +gesture of his hand, our invitation. He was followed by a train of six +persons, all splendidly attired, and attesting, by their costume and +manner, the rank and importance of their chief. Conceiving that his +visit had but one object--to observe our convivial customs--we +immediately reseated ourselves, and filled our glasses. + +As one after another the officers of the effendi's household passed +round the apartments, we offered them a goblet of champagne, which they +severally declined, with a polite but solemn smile--all except one, a +large, savage-looking Turk, with a most ferocious scowl, and the largest +black beard I ever beheld. He did not content himself with a mute +refusal of our offer, but stopping suddenly, he raised up his hands above +his head, and muttered some words in Turkish, which one of the party +informed us was a very satisfactory recommendation of the whole company +to Satan for their heretic abomination. + +The procession moved slowly round the room, and when it reached the door +again retired, each member of it salaaming three times as they had done +on entering. Scarcely had they gone, when we burst into a loud fit of +laughter at the savage-looking fellow who thought proper to excommunicate +us, and were about to discuss his more than common appearance of disgust +at our proceedings, when again the door opened, and a turbaned head +peeped in, but so altered were the features, that although seen but the +moment before, we could hardly believe them the same. The dark +complexion--the long and bushy beard were there--but instead of the +sleepy and solemn character of the oriental, with heavy eye and closed +lip, there was a droll, half-devilry in the look, and partly open mouth, +that made a most laughable contrast with the head-dress. He looked +stealthily around him for an instant, as if to see that all was right, +and then, with an accent and expression I shall never forget, said, "I'll +taste your wine, gentleman, an it be pleasing to ye." + + + + +CHAPTER XLV. + +A DAY IN THE PHOENIX. + +When we were once more in the coupe of the diligence, I directed my +entire attention towards my Irish acquaintance, as well because of his +apparent singularity, as to avoid the little German in the opposite +corner. + +"You have not been long in France, then, sir," said I, as we resumed our +conversation. + +"Three weeks, and it seems like three years to me--nothing to +eat--nothing to drink--and nobody to speak to. But I'll go back soon +--I only came abroad for a month." + +"You'll scarcely see much of the Continent in so short a time." + +"Devil a much that will grieve me--I didn't come to see it." + +"Indeed!" + +"Nothing of the kind; I only came--to be away from home." + +"Oh! I perceive." + +"You're quite out there," said my companion, misinterpreting my meaning. +"It wasn't any thing of that kind. I don't owe sixpence. I was laughed +out of Ireland--that's all, though that same is bad enough." + +"Laughed out of it!" + +"Just so--and little you know of Ireland if that surprises you." + +After acknowledging that such an event was perfectly possible, from what +I myself had seen of that country, I obtained the following very brief +account of my companion's reasons for foreign travel: + +"Well, sir," began he, "it is about four months since I brought up to +Dublin from Galway a little chesnut mare, with cropped ears and a short +tail, square-jointed, and rather low--just what you'd call a smart hack +for going to cover with--a lively thing on the road with a light weight. +Nobody ever suspected that she was a clean bred thing--own sister to +Jenny, that won the Corinthians, and ran second to Giles for the +Riddlesworth--but so she was, and a better bred mare never leaped the +pound in Ballinasloe. Well, I brought her to Dublin, and used to ride +her out two or three times a week, making little matches sometimes to +trot--and, for a thorough bred, she was a clipper at trotting--to trot +a mile or so on the grass--another day to gallop the length of the nine +acres opposite the Lodge--and then sometimes, back her for a ten pound +note, to jump the biggest furze bush that could be found--all or which +she could do with ease, nobody thinking, all the while, that the +cock-tailed pony was out of Scroggins, by a 'Lamplighter mare.' As every +fellow that was beat to-day was sure to come back to-morrow, with +something better, either of his own or a friend's, I had matches booked +for every day in the week--for I always made my little boy that rode, win +by half a neck, or a nostril, and so we kept on day after day pocketing +from ten to thirty pounds or thereabouts. + +"It was mighty pleasant while it lasted, for besides winning the money, +I had my own fun laughing at the spoonies that never could book my bets +fast enough. Young infantry officers and the junior bar--they were for +the most part mighty nice to look at, but very raw about racing. How +long I might have gone on in this way I cannot say; but one morning I +fell in with a fat, elderly gentleman, in shorts and gaiters, mounted on +a dun cob pony, that was very fidgety and hot tempered, and appeared to +give the rider a great deal of uneasiness. + +"'He's a spicy hack you're on, sir,' said I, 'and has a go in him, I'll +be bound.' + +"'I rayther think he has,' said the old gentleman, half testily. + +"'And can trot a bit, too.' + +"'Twelve Irish miles in fifty minutes, with my weight.' Here he looked +down at a paunch like a sugar hosghead. + +"'Maybe he's not bad across a country,' said I, rather to humour the old +fellow, who, I saw, was proud of his poney. + +"'I'd like to see his match, that's all.' Here he gave a rather +contemptuous glance at my hack. + +"Well, one word led to another, and it ended at last in our booking a +match, with which one party was no less pleased than the other. It was +this: each was to ride his own horse, starting from the school in the +Park, round the Fifteen Acres, outside the Monument, and back to the +start--just one heat, about a mile and a half--the ground good, and only +soft enough. In consideration, however, of his greater weight, I was to +give odds in the start; and as we could not well agree on how much, it +was at length decided that he was to get away first, and I to follow as +fast as I could, after drinking a pewter quart full of Guinness's double +stout--droll odds, you'll say, but it was the old fellow's own thought, +and as the match was a soft one, I let him have his way. + +"The next morning the Phoenix was crowded as if for a review. There were +all the Dublin notorieties, swarming in barouches, and tilburies, and +outside jaunting-cars--smart clerks in the post-office, mounted upon +kicking devils from Dycer's and Lalouette's stables--attorney's wives +and daughters from York-street, and a stray doctor or so on a hack that +looked as if it had been lectured on for the six winter months at the +College of Surgeons. My antagonist was half an hour late, which time I +occupied in booking bets on every side of me--offering odds of ten, +fifteen, and at last, to tempt the people, twenty-five to one against the +dun. At last, the fat gentleman came up on a jaunting-car, followed by a +groom leading the cob. I wish you heard the cheer that greeted him on +his arrival, for it appeared he was a well-known character in town, and +much in favour with the mob. When he got off the car, he bundled into a +tent, followed by a few of his friends, where they remained for about +five minutes, at the end of which he came out in full racing costume +--blue and yellow striped jacket, blue cap and leathers--looking as funny +a figure as ever you set eyes upon. I now thought it time to throw off +my white surtout, and show out in pink and orange, the colours I had been +winning in for two months past. While some of the party were sent on to +station themselves at different places round the Fifteen Acres, to mark +out the course, my fat friend was assisted into his saddle, and gave a +short preliminary gallop of a hundred yards or so, that set us all +a-laughing. The odds were now fifty to one in my favour, and I gave them +wherever I could find takers. 'With you, sir, if you please, in pounds, +and the gentleman in the red whiskers, too, if he likes--very well, in +half sovereigns, if you prefer it.' So I went on, betting on every side, +till the bell rung to mount. As I knew I had plenty of time to spare, I +took little notice, and merely giving a look to my girths, I continued +leisurely booking my bets. At last the time came, and at the word +'Away!' off went the fat gentleman on the dun, at a spluttering gallop, +that flung the mud on every side of us, and once more threw us all +a-laughing. I waited patiently till he got near the upper end of the park, +taking bets every minute; and now that he was away, every one offered to +wager. At last, when I had let him get nearly half round, and found no +more money could be had, I called out to his friends for the porter, and, +throwing myself into the saddle, gathered up the reins in my hand. The +crowd fell back on each side, while from the tent I have already +mentioned came a thin fellow with one eye, with a pewter quart in his +hand: he lifted it up towards me, and I took it; but what was my fright +to find that the porter was boiling, and the vessel so hot I could barely +hold it. I endeavoured to drink, however: the first mouthful took all +the skin off my lips and tongue--the second half choked, and the third +nearly threw me into an apoplectic fit--the mob cheering all the time +like devils. Meantime, the old fellow had reached the furze, and was +going along like fun. Again I tried the porter, and a fit of coughing +came on that lasted five minutes. The pewter was now so hot that the +edge of the quart took away a piece of my mouth at every effort. I +ventured once more, and with the desperation of a madman I threw down the +hot liquid to its last drop. My head reeled--my eyes glared--and my +brain was on fire. I thought I beheld fifty fat gentlemen galloping on +every side of me, and all the sky raining jackets in blue and yellow. +Half mechanically I took the reins, and put spurs to my horse; but before +I got well away, a loud cheer from the crowd assailed me. I turned, and +saw the dun coming in at a floundering gallop, covered with foam, and so +dead blown that neither himself nor the rider could have got twenty yards +farther. The race was, however, won. My odds were lost to every man on +the field, and, worse than all, I was so laughed at, that I could not +venture out in the streets, without hearing allusions to my misfortune; +for a certain friend of mine, one Tom O'Flaherty--" + +"Tom of the 11th light dragoons?" + +"The same--you know Tom, then? Maybe you have heard him mention me +--Maurice Malone?" + +"Not Mr. Malone, of Fort Peak?" + +"Bad luck to him. I am as well known in connexion with Fort Peak, as the +Duke is with Waterloo. There is not a part of the globe where he has not +told that confounded story." + +As my readers may not possibly be all numbered in Mr. O'Flaherty's +acquaintance, I shall venture to give the anecdote which Mr. Malone +accounted to be so widely circulated. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVI. + +AN ADVENTURE IN CANADA. + +Towards the close of the last war with America, a small detachment of +military occupied the little block house of Fort Peak, which, about eight +miles from the Falls of Niagara, formed the last outpost on the frontier. +The Fort, in itself inconsiderable, was only of importance as commanding +a part of the river where it was practicable to ford, and where the easy +ascent of the bank offered a safe situation for the enemy to cross over, +whenever they felt disposed to carry the war into our territory. + +There having been, however, no threat of invasion in this quarter, and +the natural strength of the position being considerable, a mere handful +of men, with two subaltern officers, were allotted for this duty--such +being conceived ample to maintain it till the arrival of succour from +head-quarters, then at Little York, on the opposite side of the lake. +The officers of this party were our old acquaintance Tom O'Flaherty, and +our newly-made one Maurice Malone. + +Whatever may be the merits of commanding officers, one virtue they +certainly can lay small claim to--viz. any insight into character, or at +least any regard for the knowledge. Seldom are two men sent off on +detachment duty to some remote quarter, to associate daily and hourly for +months together, that they are not, by some happy chance, the very people +who never, as the phrase is, "took to each other" in their lives. The +grey-headed, weather-beaten, disappointed "Peninsular" is coupled with +the essenced and dandified Adonis of the corps; the man of literary +tastes and cultivated pursuits, with the empty headed, ill informed +youth, fresh from Harrow or Westminster. This case offered no exception +to the rule; for though there were few men possessed of more assimilating +powers than O'Flaherty, yet certainly his companion did put the faculty +to the test, for any thing more unlike him, there never existed. Tom all +good humour and high spirits--making the best of every thing--never +non-plussed--never taken aback--perfectly at home, whether flirting with +a Lady Charlotte in her drawing-room, or crossing a grouse mountain in +the highlands--sufficiently well read to talk on any ordinary topic--and +always ready-witted enough to seem more so. A thorough sportsman, +whether showing forth in the "park" at Melton, whipping a trout-stream in +Wales, or filling a country-house with black cock and moor-fowl; an +unexceptionable judge of all the good things in life, from a pretty ancle +to a well hung tilbury--from the odds at hazard to the "Comet vintage." +Such, in brief, was Tom. Now his confrere was none of these; he had been +drafted from the Galway militia to the line, for some election services +rendered by his family to the government candidate; was of a saturnine +and discontented habit; always miserable about some trifle or other, and +never at rest till he had drowned his sorrows in Jamaica rum--which, +since the regiment was abroad, he had copiously used as a substitute for +whiskey. To such an extent had this passion gained upon him, that a +corporal's guard was always in attendance whenever he dined out, to +convey him home to the barracks. + +The wearisome monotony of a close garrison, with so ungenial a companion, +would have damped any man's spirits but O'Flaherty's. He, however, upon +this, as other occasions in life, rallied himself to make the best of it; +and by short excursions within certain prescribed limits along the river +side, contrived to shoot and fish enough to get through the day, and +improve the meagre fare of his mess-table. Malone never appeared before +dinner--his late sittings at night requiring all the following day to +recruit him for a new attack upon the rum bottle. + +Now, although his seeing so little of his brother officer was any thing +but unpleasant to O'Flaherty, yet the ennui of such a life was gradually +wearing him, and all his wits were put in requisition to furnish +occupation for his time. Never a day passed without his praying ardently +for an attack from the enemy; any alternative, any reverse, had been a +blessing compared with his present life. No such spirit, however, seemed +to animate the Yankee troops; not a soldier was to be seen for miles +around, and every straggler that passed the Fort concurred in saying that +the Americans were not within four day's march of the frontier. + +Weeks passed over, and the same state of things remaining unchanged, +O'Flaherty gradually relaxed some of his strictness as to duty; small +foraging parties of three and four being daily permitted to leave the +Fort for a few hours, to which they usually returned laden with wild +turkeys and fish--both being found in great abundance near them. + +Such was the life of the little garrison for two or three long summer +months--each day so resembling its fellow, that no difference could be +found. + +As to how the war was faring, or what the aspect of affairs might be, +they absolutely knew nothing. Newspapers never reached them; and whether +from having so much occupation at head-quarters, or that the difficulty +of sending letters prevented, their friends never wrote a line; and thus +they jogged on, a very vegetable existence, till thought at last was +stagnating in their brains, and O'Flaherty half envied his companion's +resource in the spirit flask. + +Such was the state of affairs at the Fort, when one evening O'Flaherty +appeared to pace the little rampart that looked towards Lake Ontario, +with an appearance of anxiety and impatience strangely at variance with +his daily phlegmatic look. It seemed that the corporal's party he had +despatched that morning to forage, near the "Falls," had not returned, +and already were four hours later than their time away. + +Every imaginable mode of accounting for their absence suggested itself to +his mind. Sometimes he feared that they had been attacked by the Indian +hunters, who were far from favourably disposed towards their poaching +neighbours. Then, again, it might be merely that they had missed their +track in the forest; or could it be that they had ventured to reach Goat +Island in a canoe, and had been carried down the rapids. Such were the +torturing doubts that passed as some shrill squirrel, or hoarse night owl +pierced the air with a cry, and then all was silent again. While thus +the hours went slowly by, his attention was attracted by a bright light +in the sky. It appeared as if part of the heavens were reflecting some +strong glare from beneath, for as he looked, the light, at first pale and +colourless, gradually deepened into a rich mellow hue, and at length, +through the murky blackness of the night, a strong clear current of flame +rose steadily upwards from the earth, and pointed towards the sky. From +the direction, it must have been either at the Falls, or immediately near +them; and now the horrible conviction flashed upon his mind that the +party had been waylaid by the Indians, who were, as is their custom, +making a war feast over their victims. + +Not an instant was to be lost. The little garrison beat to arms; and, as +the men fell in, O'Flaherty cast his eyes around, while he selected a few +brave fellows to accompany him. Scarcely had the men fallen out from the +ranks, when the sentinel at the gate was challenged by a well-known +voice, and in a moment more the corporal of the foraging party was among +them. Fatigue and exhaustion had so overcome him, that for some minutes +he was speechless. At length he recover sufficiently to give the +following brief account:-- + +The little party having obtained their supply of venison above Queenston, +were returning to the Fort, when they suddenly came upon a track of feet, +and little experience in forest life soon proved that some new arrivals +had reached the hunting grounds, for on examining them closely, they +proved neither to be Indian tracks, nor yet those made by the shoes of +the Fort party. Proceeding with caution to trace them backwards for +three or four miles, they reached the bank of the Niagara river, above +the whirlpools, where the crossing is most easily effected from the +American side. The mystery was at once explained: it was a surprise +party of the Yankees, sent to attack Fort Peak; and now the only thing to +be done was to hasten back immediately to their friends, and prepare for +their reception. + +With this intent they took the river path as the shortest, but had not +proceeded far when their fears were confirmed; for in a little embayment +of the bank they perceived a party of twenty blue coats, who, with their +arms piled, were lying around as if waiting for the hour of attack. The +sight of this party added greatly to their alarm, for they now perceived +that the Americans had divided their force--the foot-tracks first seen +being evidently those of another division. As the corporal and his few +men continued, from the low and thick brushwood, to make their +reconnaisance of the enemy, they observed with delight that they were not +regulars, but a militia force. With this one animating thought, they +again, with noiseless step, regained the forest, and proceeded upon their +way. Scarcely, however, had they marched a mile, when the sound of +voices and loud laughter apprised them that another party was near, +which, as well as they could observe in the increasing gloom, was still +larger than the former. They were now obliged to make a considerable +circuit, and advance still deeper into the forest--their anxiety hourly +increasing, lest the enemy should reach the Fort before themselves. In +this dilemma it was resolved that the party should separate--the corporal +determining to proceed alone by the river bank, while the others, by a +detour of some miles, should endeavour to learn the force of the Yankees, +and, as far as they could, their mode of attack. From that instant the +corporal knew no more; for, after two hours' weary exertion, he reached +the Fort, which, had it been but another mile distant, his strength had +not held out for him to attain. + +However gladly poor O'Flaherty might have hailed such information under +other circumstances, now it came like a thunderbolt upon him. Six of his +small force were away, perhaps ere this made prisoners by the enemy; +the Yankees, as well as he could judge, were a numerous party; and he +himself totally without a single adviser--for Malone had dined, and was, +therefore, by this time in that pleasing state of indifference, in which +he could only recognise an enemy, in the man that did not send round the +decanter. + +In the half indulged hope that his state might permit some faint exercise +of the reasoning faculty, O'Flaherty walked towards the small den they +had designated as the mess-room, in search of his brother officer. + +As he entered the apartment, little disposed as he felt to mirth at such +a moment, the tableau before him was too ridiculous not to laugh at. At +one side of the fire-place sat Malone, his face florid with drinking, and +his eyeballs projecting. Upon his head was a small Indian skull cap, +with two peacock feathers, and a piece of scarlet cloth which hung down +behind. In one hand he held a smoking goblet of rum punch, and in the +other a long, Indian Chibook pipe. Opposite to him, but squatted upon +the floor, reposed a red Indian, that lived in the Fort as a guide, +equally drunk, but preserving, even in his liquor, an impassive, grave +aspect, strangely contrasting with the high excitement of Malone's face. +The red man wore Malone's uniform coat, which he had put on back +foremost--his head-dress having, in all probability been exchanged for +it, as an amicable courtesy between the parties. There they sat, looking +fixedly at each other; neither spoke, nor even smiled--the rum bottle, +which at brief intervals passed from one to the other, maintained a +friendly intercourse that each was content with. + +To the hearty fit of laughing of O'Flaherty, Malone replied by a look of +drunken defiance, and then nodded to his red friend, who returned the +courtesy. As poor Tom left the room, he saw that nothing was to be hoped +for in this quarter, and determined to beat the garrison to arms without +any further delay. Scarcely had he closed the door behind him, when a +sudden thought flashed through his brain. He hesitated, walked forward a +few paces, stopped again, and calling out to the corporal, said-- + +"You are certain they were militia?" + +"Yes, sir; quite sure." + +"Then, by Jove, I have it," cried O'Flaherty. "If they should turn out +to be the Buffalo fencibles, we may get through this scrape better than I +hoped for." + +"I believe you are right, sir; for I heard one of the men as I passed +observe, 'what will they say in Buffalo when it's over?'." + +"Send Mathers here, corporal; and do you order four rank and file, with +side-arms to be in readiness immediately." + +"Mathers, you have heard the news," said O'Flaherty, as the sergeant +entered. "Can the Fort hold out against such a force as Jackson reports? +You doubt; well, so do I; so let's see what's to be done. Can you +remember, was it not the Buffalo militia that were so tremendously +thrashed by the Delawares last autumn?" + +"Yes, sir, they chased them for two days and nights, and had they not +reached the town of Buffalo, the Delawares would not have left a scalp +in the regiment." + +"Can you recollect the chief's name--it was Carran--something, eh?" + +"Caudan-dacwagae." + +"Exactly. Where is he supposed to be now?" + +"Up in Detroit, sir, they say, but no one knows. Those fellows are here +to-day, and there to-morrow." + +"Well then, sergeant, here's my plan." Saying these words, O'Flaherty +proceeded to walk towards his quarters, accompanied by the sergeant, with +whom he conversed for some time eagerly--occasionally replying, as it +appeared, to objections, and offering explanations as the other seemed to +require them. The colloquy lasted half an hour--and although the veteran +sergeant seemed difficult of conviction, it ended by his saying, as he +left the room, + +"Well, sir, as you say, it can only come to hard knocks at worst. Here +goes--I'll send off the scout party to make the fires and choose the men +for the out picquets, for no time is to be lost." + +In about an hour's time from the scene I have mentioned, a number of +militia officers, of different grades, were seated round a bivouac fire, +upon the bank of the Niagara river. The conversation seemed of an angry +nature, for the voices of the speakers were loud and irrascible, and +their gestures evidenced a state of high excitement. + +"I see," said one, who seemed the superior of the party--"I see well +where this will end. We shall have another Queenston affair, as we had +last fall with the Delawares." + +"I only say," replied another, "that if you wish our men to stand fire +to-morrow morning, the less you remind them of the Delawares the better. +What is that noise? Is not that a drum beating?" + +The party at these words sprung to their legs, and stood in an attitude +of listening for some seconds. + +"Who goes there?" sung out a sentinel from his post; and then, after a +moment's delay, added--"Pass flag of truce to Major Brown's quarters." + +Scarcely were the words spoken, when three officers in scarlet, preceded +by a drummer with a white flag, stood before the American party. + +"To whom may I address myself?" said one of the British--who, I may +inform my reader, en passant, was no other than O'Flaherty--"To whom may +I address myself as the officer in command?" + +"I am Major Brown," said a short, plethoric little man, in a blue uniform +and round hat--"And who are you?" + +"Major O'Flaherty, of his majesty's fifth foot," said Tom, with a very +sonorous emphasis on each word--"the bearer of a flag of truce and an +amicable proposition from Major-General Allen, commanding the garrison of +Fort Peak." + +The Americans, who were evidently taken by surprise at their intentions +of attack being known, were silent, while he continued-- + +"Gentlemen, it may appear somewhat strange that a garrison, possessing +the natural strength of a powerful position--supplied with abundant +ammunition and every muniment of war--should despatch a flag of truce on +the eve of an attack, in preference to waiting for the moment, when a +sharp and well-prepared reception might best attest its vigilance and +discipline. But the reasons for this step are soon explained. In the +first place, you intend a surprise. We have been long aware of your +projected attack. Our spies have tracked you from your crossing the +river above the whirlpool to your present position. Every man of your +party is numbered by us; and, what is still more, numbered by our allies +--yes, gentlemen, I must repeat it, 'allies'--though, as a Briton, I +blush at the word. Shame and disgrace for ever be that man's portion, +who first associated the honourable usages of war with the atrocious and +bloody cruelties of the savage. Yet so it is: the Delawares of the +hills"--here the Yankees exchanged very peculiar looks--"have this +morning arrived at Fort Peak, with orders to ravage the whole of your +frontier, from Fort George to Lake Erie. They brought us the information +of your approach, and their chief is, while I speak, making an infamous +proposition, by which a price is to paid for every scalp he produces in +the morning. Now, as the general cannot refuse to co-operate with the +savages, without compromising himself with the commander-in-chief, +neither can he accept of such assistance without some pangs of +conscience. He has taken the only course open to him: he has despatched +myself and my brother officers here"--O'Flaherty glanced at two privates +dressed up in his regimentals--"to offer you terms"-- + +O'Flaherty paused when he arrived thus far, expecting that the opposite +party would make some reply; but they continued silent: when suddenly, +from the dense forest, there rung forth a wild and savage yell, that rose +and fell several times, like the pibroch of the highlander, and ended at +last in a loud whoop, that was echoed and re-echoed again and again for +several seconds after. + +"Hark!" said O'Flaherty, with an accent of horror--"Hark! the war-cry of +the Delawares! The savages are eager for their prey. May it yet be time +enough to rescue you from such a fate! Time presses--our terms are +these--as they do not admit of discussion, and must be at once accepted +or rejected, to your own ear alone can I impart them." + +Saying which, he took Major Brown aside, and, walking apart from the +others, led him, by slow steps, into the forest. While O'Flaherty +continued to dilate upon the atrocities of Indian war, and the revengeful +character of the savages, he contrived to be always advancing towards the +river side, till at length the glare of a fire was perceptible through +the gloom. Major Brown stopped suddenly, and pointed in the direction of +the flame. + +"It is the Indian picquet," said O'Flaherty, calmly; "and as the facts I +have been detailing may be more palpable to your mind, you shall see them +with your own eyes. Yes, I repeat it, you shall, through the cover of +this brushwood, see Caudan-dacwagae himself--for he is with them in +person." + +As O'Flaherty said this, he led Major Brown, now speechless with terror, +behind a massive cork tree, from which spot they could look down upon the +river side, where in a small creek sat five or six persons in blankets, +and scarlet head-dresses; their faces streaked with patches of yellow and +red paint, to which the glare of the fire lent fresh horror. In the +midst sat one, whose violent gestures and savage cries gave him the very +appearance of a demon, as he resisted with all his might the efforts of +the others to restrain him, shouting like a maniac all the while, and +struggling to rise. + +"It is the chief," said O'Flaherty; "he will wait no longer. We have +bribed the others to keep him quiet, if possible, a little time; but I +see they cannot succeed." + +A loud yell of triumph from below interrupted Tom's speech. The +infuriated savage--who was no other than Mr. Malone--having obtained the +rum bottle, for which he was fighting with all his might--his temper not +being improved in the struggle by occasional admonitions from the red end +of a cigar, applied to his naked skin by the other Indians--who were his +own soldiers acting under O'Flaherty's orders. + +"Now," said Tom, "that you have convinced yourself, and can satisfy your +brother officers, will you take your chance? or will you accept the +honoured terms of the General--pile your arms, and retreat beyond the +river before day-break? Your muskets and ammunition will offer a bribe +to the cupidity of the savage, and delay his pursuit till you can reach +some place of safety." + +Major Brown heard the proposal in silence, and at last determined upon +consulting his brother officers. + +"I have outstaid my time," said O'Flaherty, "but stop; the lives of so +many are at stake, I consent." Saying which, they walked on without +speaking, till they arrived where the others were standing around the +watch-fire. + +As Brown retired to consult with the officers, Tom heard with pleasure +how much his two companions had worked upon the Yankees' fears, during +his absence, by details of the vindictive feelings of the Delawares, and +their vows to annihilate the Buffalo militia. + +Before five minutes they had decided. Upon a solemn pledge from +O'Flaherty that the terms of the compact were to be observed as he stated +them, they agreed to march with their arms to the ford, where, having +piled them, they were to cross over, and make the best of their way home. + +By sunrise the next morning, all that remained of the threatened attack +on Fort Peak, were the smouldering ashes of some wood fires--eighty +muskets piled in the fort--and the yellow ochre, and red stripes that +still adorned the countenance of the late Indian chief,--but now snoring +Lieutenant Maurice Malone. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVII. + +THE COURIER'S PASSPORT. + +A second night succeeded the long dreary day of the diligence, and the +only one agreeable reflection arose in the feeling that every mile +travelled, was diminishing the chance of pursuit, and removing me still +further from that scene of trouble and annoyance that was soon to furnish +gossip for Paris--under the title of "The Affaire O'Leary." + +How he was ever to extricate himself from the numerous and embarrassing +difficulties of his position, gave me, I confess, less uneasiness than +the uncertainty of my own fortunes. Luck seemed ever to befriend him--me +it had always accompanied far enough through life to make its subsequent +desertion more painful. How far I should blame myself for this, +I stopped not to consider; but brooded over the fact in a melancholy +and discontented mood. The one thought uppermost in my mind was, how +will Lady Jane receive me--am I forgotten--or am I only remembered as +the subject of that unlucky mistake, when, under the guise of an elder +son, I was feted and made much of. What pretensions I had, without +fortune, rank, influence, or even expectations of any kind, to seek the +hand of the most beautiful girl of the day, with the largest fortune as +her dowry, I dare not ask myself--the reply would have dashed all my +hopes, and my pursuit would have at once been abandoned. "Tell the +people you are an excellent preacher," was the advice of an old and +learned divine to a younger and less experienced one--"tell them so every +morning, and every noon, and every evening, and at last they will begin +to believe it." So thought I. I shall impress upon the Callonbys that +I am a most unexceptionable "parti." Upon every occasion they shall hear +it--as they open their newspapers at breakfast--as they sip their soup at +luncheon--as they adjust their napkin at dinner--as they chat over their +wine at night. My influence in the house shall be unbounded--my +pleasures consulted--my dislikes remembered. The people in favour with +me shall dine there three times a-week--those less fortunate shall be put +into schedule A. My opinions on all subjects shall be a law--whether I +pronounce upon politics, or discuss a dinner: and all this I shall +accomplish by a successful flattery of my lady--a little bullying of my +lord--a devoted attention to the youngest sister--a special cultivation +of Kilkee--and a very "prononce" neglect of Lady Jane. These were my +half-waking thoughts, as the heavy diligence rumbled over the pave into +Nancy; and I was aroused by the door being suddenly jerked open, and a +bronzed face, with a black beard and moustache, being thrust in amongst +us. + +"Your passports, Messieurs," as a lantern was held up in succession +across our faces, and we handed forth our crumpled and worn papers to the +official. + +The night was stormy and dark--gusts of wind sweeping along, bearing with +them the tail of some thunder cloud--mingling their sounds with a falling +tile from the roofs, or a broken chimney-pot. The officer in vain +endeavoured to hold open the passports while he inscribed his name; and +just as the last scrawl was completed, the lantern went out. Muttering a +heavy curse upon the weather, he thrust them in upon us en masse, and, +banging the door to, called out to the conducteur, "en route." + +Again we rumbled on, and, ere we cleared the last lamps of the town, the +whole party were once more sunk in sleep, save myself. Hour after hour +rolled by, the rain pattering upon the roof, and the heavy plash of the +horses' feet contributing their mournful sounds to the melancholy that +was stealing over me. At length we drew up at the door of a little +auberge; and, by the noise and bustle without, I perceived there was a +change of horses. Anxious to stretch my legs, and relieve, if even for a +moment, the wearisome monotony of the night, I got out and strode into +the little parlour of the inn. There was a cheerful fire in an open +stove, beside which stood a portly figure in a sheepskin bunta and a +cloth travelling cap, with a gold band; his legs were cased in high +Russia leather boots, all evident signs of the profession of the wearer, +had even his haste at supper not bespoke the fact that he was a +government courier. + +"You had better make haste with the horses, Antoine, if you don't wish +the postmaster to hear of it," said he, as I entered, his mouth filled +with pie crust and vin de Beaune, as he spoke. + +A lumbering peasant, with a blouse, sabots, and a striped nightcap, +replied in some unknown patois; when the courier again said-- + +"Well, then, take the diligence horses; I must get on at all events; they +are not so presse, I'll be bound; besides it will save the gens-d'armes +some miles of a ride if they overtake them here." + +"Have we another vise of our passports here, then?" said I, addressing +the courier, "for we have already been examined at Nancy?" + +"Not exactly a vise," said the courier, eyeing me most suspiciously as +he spoke, and then continuing to eat with his former voracity. + +"Then, what, may I ask, have we to do with the gens-d'armes?" + +"It is a search," said the courier, gruffly, and with the air of one who +desired no further questioning. + +I immediately ordered a bottle of Burgundy, and filling the large goblet +before him, said, with much respect, + +"A votre bonne voyage, Monsier le Courier." + +To this he at once replied, by taking off his cap and bowing politely as +he drank off the wine. + +"Have we any runaway felon or a stray galerien among us?" said I, +laughingly, "that they are going to search us?" + +"No, monsieur," said the courier; "but there has been a government order +to arrest a person on this road connected with the dreadful Polish plot, +that has just eclated at Paris. I passed a vidette of cavalry at Nancy, +and they will be up here in half an hour." + +"A Polish plot! Why, I left Paris only two days ago, and never heard of +it." + +"C'est bien possible, Monsieur? Perhaps, after all, it may only be an +affair of the police; but they have certainly arrested one prisoner at +Meurice, charged with this, as well as the attempt to rob Frascati, and +murder the croupier." + +"Alas," said I, with a half-suppressed groan, "it is too true; that +infernal fellow O'Leary has ruined me, and I shall be brought back to +Paris, and only taken from prison to meet the open shame and ignominy of +a public trial." + +What was to be done?--every moment was precious. I walked to the door to +conceal my agitation. All was dark and gloomy. The thought of escape +was my only one; but how to accomplish it! Every stir without suggested +to my anxious mind the approaching tread of horses--every rattle of the +harness seemed like the clink of accoutrements. + +While I yet hesitated, I felt that my fate was in the balance. +Concealment where I was, was impossible; there were no means of +obtaining horses to proceed. My last only hope then rested in the +courier; he perhaps might be bribed to assist me at this juncture. +Still his impression as to the enormity of the crime imputed, might +deter him; and there was no time for explanation, if even he would listen +to it. I returned to the room; he had finished his meal, and was now +engaged in all the preparations for encountering a wet and dreary night. +I hesitated; my fears that if he should refuse my offers, all chance of +my escape was gone, deterred me for a moment. At length as he wound a +large woollen shawl around his throat, and seemed to have completed his +costume, I summoned nerve for the effort, and with as much boldness in my +manner as I could muster, said-- + +"Monsieur le Courier, one word with you." I here closed the door, and +continued. "My fortunes--my whole prospects in life depend upon my +reaching Strasbourg by to-morrow night. You alone can be the means of my +doing so. Is there any price you can mention, for which you will render +me this service?--if so, name it." + +"So then, Monsieur," said the Courier, slowly--"so, then, you are the--" + +"You have guessed it," said I, interrupting. "Do you accept my +proposal?" + +"It is impossible," said he, "utterly impossible; for even should I be +disposed to run the risk on my own account, it would avail you nothing; +the first town we entered your passport would be demanded, and not being +vised by the minister to travel en courier, you would at once be detained +and arrested." + +"Then am I lost," said I, throwing myself upon a chair; at the same +instant my passport, which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out at the +feet of the courier. He lifted it and opened it leisurely. So engrossed +was I by my misfortunes, that for some minutes I did not perceive, that +as he continued to read the passport, he smiled from time to time, till +at length a hearty fit of laughing awoke me from my abstraction. My +first impulse was to seize him by the throat; controlling my temper, +however, with an effort, I said-- + +"And pray, Monsieur, may I ask in what manner the position I stand in +at this moment affords you so much amusement? Is there any thing so +particularly droll--any thing so excessively ludicrous in my situation +--or what particular gift do you possess that shall prevent me throwing +you out of the window?" + +"Mais, Monsieur," said he, half stifled with laughter, "do you know the +blunder I fell into? it is really too good. Could you only guess who I +took you for, you would laugh too." + +Here he became so overcome with merriment, that he was obliged to sit +down, which he did opposite to me, and actually shook with laughter. + +"When this comedy is over," thought I, "we may begin to understand each +other." Seeing no prospect of this, I became at length impatient, and +jumping on my legs, said-- + +"Enough, sir, quite enough of this foolery. Believe me, you have every +reason to be thankful that my present embarrassment should so far engross +me, that I cannot afford time to give you a thrashing." + +"Pardon, mille pardons," said he humbly; "but you will, I am sure, +forgive me when I tell you that I was stupid enough to mistake you for +the fugitive Englishman, whom the gens-d'armes are in pursuit of. How +good, eh?" + +"Oh! devilish good--but what do you mean?" + +"Why, the fellow that caused the attack at Frascati, and all that, and--" + +"Yes--well, eh? Did you think I was him?" + +"To be sure I did, till I saw your passport." + +"Till you saw my passport!" Why, what on earth can he mean? thought I. +"No, but," said I, half jestingly, "how could you make such a blunder?" + +"Why, your confused manner--your impatience to get on--your hurried +questions, all convinced me. In fact, I'd have wagered any thing you +were the Englishman." + +"And what, in heaven's name, does he think me now?" thought I, as I +endeavoured to join the laugh so ludicrous a mistake occasioned. + +"But we are delaying sadly," said the courier. "Are you ready?" + +"Ready?--ready for what?" + +"To go on with me, of course. Don't you wish to get early to +Strasbourg?" + +"To be sure I do." + +"Well, then, come along. But, pray, don't mind your luggage, for my +caleche is loaded. Your instruments can come in the diligence." + +"My instruments in the diligence! He's mad--that's flat." + +"How they will laugh at Strasbourg at my mistake." + +"That they will," thought I. "The only doubt is, will you join in the +merriment?" + +So saying, I followed the courier to the door, jumped into his caleche, +and in another moment was hurrying over the pave at a pace that defied +pursuit, and promised soon to make up for all our late delay. Scarcely +was the fur-lined apron of the caleche buttoned around me, and the German +blinds let down, when I set to work to think over the circumstance that +had just befallen me. As I had never examined my passport from the +moment Trevanion handed it to me in Paris, I knew nothing of its +contents; therefore, as to what impression it might convey of me, I was +totally ignorant. To ask the courier for it now might excite suspicion; +so that I was totally at sea how to account for his sudden change in my +favour, or in what precise capacity I was travelling beside him. Once, +and once only, the thought of treachery occurred to me. Is he about to +hand me over to the gens-d'armes? and are we now only retracing our steps +towards Nancy? If so, Monsieur le Courier, whatever be my fate, your's +is certainly an unenviable one. My reflections on this head were soon +broken in upon, for my companion again returned to the subject of his +"singular error," and assured me that he was as near as possible leaving +me behind, under the mistaken impression of my being "myself;" and +informed me that all Strasbourg would be delighted to see me, which +latter piece of news was only the more flattering, that I knew no one +there, nor had ever been in that city in my life; and after about an +hour's mystification as to my tastes, habits, and pursuits, he fell fast +asleep, leaving me to solve the difficult problem as to whether I was not +somebody else, or the only alternative--whether travelling en courier +might not be prescribed by physicians as a mode of treating insane +patients. + + + + +CHAPTER XLVIII. + +A NIGHT IN STRASBOURG. + +With the dawn of day my miseries recommenced; for after letting down the +sash, and venting some very fervent imprecations upon the postillion for +not going faster than his horses were able, the courier once more +recurred to his last night's blunder, and proceeded very leisurely to +catechise me as to my probable stay at Strasbourg, when I should go from +there, &c. As I was still in doubt what or whom he took me for, I +answered with the greatest circumspection--watching, the while, for any +clue that might lead me to a discovery of myself. Thus, occasionally +evading all pushing and home queries, and sometimes, when hard pressed, +feigning drowsiness, I passed the long and anxious day--the fear of being +overtaken ever mingling with the thoughts that some unlucky admission of +mine might discover my real character to the courier, who, at any post +station, might hand me over to the authorities. Could I only guess at +the part I am performing, thought I, and I might manage to keep up the +illusion; but my attention was so entirely engrossed by fencing off all +his threats, that I could find out nothing. At last, as night drew near, +the thought that we were approaching Strasbourg rallied my spirits, +suggesting an escape from all pursuit, as well as the welcome prospect of +getting rid of my present torturer, who, whenever I awoke from a doze, +reverted to our singular meeting with a pertinacity that absolutely +seemed like malice. + +"As I am aware that this is your first visit to Strasbourg," said the +courier, "perhaps I can be of service to you in recommending a hotel. +Put up, I advise you, at the 'Bear'--a capital hotel, and not ten +minutes' distance from the theatre." + +I thanked him for the counsel; and, rejoicing in the fact that my +prototype, whoever he might be, was unknown in the city, began to feel +some little hope of getting through this scrape, as I had done so many +others. + +"They have been keeping the 'Huguenots' for your arrival, and all +Strasbourg is impatient for your coming." + +"Indeed!" said I, mumbling something meant to be modest. "Who the devil +am I, then, to cause all this fracas? Heaven grant, not the new +'prefect,' or the commander of the forces." + +"I am told the 'Zauberflotte' is your favourite opera?" + +"I can't say that I ever heard it--that is, I mean that I could say--well +got up." + +Here I floundered on having so far forgot myself as to endanger every +thing. + +"How very unfortunate! Well, I hope you will not long have as much to +say. Meanwhile, here we are--this is the 'Bear.'" + +We rattled into the ample porte cochere of a vast hotel--the postillion +cracking his enormous whip, and bells ringing on every side, as if the +crown prince of Russia had been the arrival, and not a poor sub. in the +__th. + +The courier jumped out, and running up to the landlord, whispered a few +words in his ear, to which the other answered by a deep "ah, vraiment!" +and then saluted me with an obsequiousness that made my flesh quake. + +"I shall make 'mes hommages' in the morning," said the courier, as he +drove off at full speed to deliver his despatches, and left me to my own +devices to perform a character, without even being able to guess what it +might be. My passport, too, the only thing that could throw any light +upon the affair, he had taken along with him, promising to have it vised, +and save me any trouble. + +Of all my difficulties and puzzling situations in life, this was +certainly the worst; for however often my lot had been to personate +another, yet hitherto I had had the good fortune to be aware of what and +whom I was performing. Now I might be any body from Marshal Soult to +Monsieur Scribe; one thing only was certain, I must be a "celebrity." +The confounded pains and trouble they were taking to receive me, attested +that fact, and left me to the pleasing reflection that my detection, +should it take place, would be sure of attracting a very general +publicity. Having ordered my supper from the landlord, with a certain +air of reserve, sufficient to prevent even an Alsace host from obtruding +any questions upon me, I took my opportunity to stroll from the inn down +to the river side. There lay the broad, rapid Rhine, separating me, by +how narrow a gulph, from that land, where, if I once arrived, my safety +was certain. Never did that great boundary of nations strike me so +forcibly, as now when my own petty interests and fortunes were at stake. +Night was fast settling upon the low flat banks of the stream, and +nothing stirred, save the ceaseless ripple of the river. One fishing +barque alone was on the water. I hailed the solitary tenant of it, and +after some little parley, induced him to ferry me over. This, however, +could only be done when the night was farther advanced--it being against +the law to cross the river except at certain hours, and between two +established points, where officers of the revenue were stationed. The +fisherman was easily bribed, however, to evade the regulation, and only +bargained that I should meet him on the bank before daybreak. Having +settled this point to my satisfaction, I returned to my hotel in better +spirits; and with a Strasbourg pate, and a flask of Nierensteiner, drank +to my speedy deliverance. + +How to consume the long, dreary hours between this time and that of my +departure, I knew not; for though greatly fatigued, I felt that sleep was +impossible; the usual resource of a gossip with the host was equally out +of the question; and all that remained was the theatre, which I happily +remembered was not far from the hotel. + +It was an opera night, and the house was crowded to excess; but with some +little management, I obtained a place in a box near the stage. The piece +was "Les Franc Macons," which was certainly admirably supported, and drew +down from the audience--no mean one as judges of music--the loudest +thunders of applause. As for me, the house was a great a curiosity as +the opera. The novel spectacle of some hundred (thousand?) people +relishing and appreciating the highest order of musical genius, was +something totally new and surprising to me. The curtain at length fell +upon the fifth act. + +And now the deafening roar of acclamation was tremendous; and amid a +perfect shout of enthusiasm, the manager announced the opera for the +ensuing evening. Scarcely had this subsided, when a buzz ran through the +house; at first subdued, but gradually getting louder--extending from the +boxes to the balcone--from the balcone to the parterre--and finally even +to the galleries. Groups of people stood upon the benches, and looked +fixedly in one part of the house; then changed and regarded as eagerly +the other. + +What can this mean? thought I. Is the theatre on fire? Something surely +has gone wrong! + +In this conviction, with the contagious spirit of curiosity, I mounted +upon a seat, and looked about me on every side; but unable still to catch +the object which seemed to attract the rest, as I was about to resume my +place, my eyes fell upon a well-known face, which in an instant I +remembered was that of my late fellow-traveller the courier. Anxious to +avoid his recognition, I attempted to get down at once; but before I +could accomplish it, the wretch had perceived and recognised me; and I +saw him, even with a gesture of delight, point me out to some friends +beside him. + +"Confound the fellow," muttered I; "I must leave this at once, or I shall +be involved in some trouble." + +Scarcely was my my resolve taken, when a new burst of voices arose from +the pit--the words "l'Auteur," "l'Auteur," mingling with loud cries for +"Meerberger," "Meerberger," to appear. So, thought I, it seems the great +composer is here. Oh, by Jove! I must have a peep at him before I go. +So, leaning over the front rail of the box, I looked anxiously about to +catch one hasty glimpse of one of the great men of his day and country. +What was my surprise, however, to perceive that about two thousand eyes +were firmly rivetted upon the box I was seated in; while about half the +number of tongues called out unceasingly, "Mr. Meerberger--vive +Meerberger--vive l'Auteur des Franc Macons--vive Franc Macons," &c. +Before I could turn to look for the hero of the scene, my legs were taken +from under me, and I felt myself lifted by several strong men and held +out in front of the box, while the whole audience, rising en masse, +saluted me--yes, me, Harry Lorrequer--with a cheer that shook the +building. Fearful of precipitating myself into the pit beneath, if I +made the least effort, and half wild with terror and amazement, I stared +about like a maniac, while a beautiful young woman tripped along the edge +of the box, supported by her companion's hand, and placed lightly upon my +brow a chaplet of roses and laurel. Here the applause was like an +earthquake. + +"May the devil fly away with half of ye," was my grateful response, to as +full a cheer of applause as ever the walls of the house re-echoed to. + +"On the stage--on the stage!" shouted that portion of the audience who, +occupying the same side of the house as myself, preferred having a better +view of me; and to the stage I was accordingly hurried, down a narrow +stair, through a side scene, and over half the corps de ballet who were +waiting for their entree. Kicking, plunging, buffetting like a madman, +they carried me to the "flats," when the manager led me forward to the +foot lights, my wreath of flowers contrasting rather ruefully with my +bruised cheeks and torn habiliments. Human beings, God be praised, are +only capable of certain efforts--so that one-half the audience were +coughing their sides out, while the other were hoarse as bull-frogs from +their enthusiasm in less than five minutes. + +"You'll have what my friend Rooney calls a chronic bronchitis for this, +these three weeks," said I, "that's one comfort," as I bowed my way back +to the "practicable" door, through which I made my exit, with the +thousand faces of the parterre shouting my name, or, as fancy dictated, +that of one of "my" operas. I retreated behind the scenes, to encounter +very nearly as much, and at closer quarters, too, as that lately +sustained before the audience. After an embrace of two minutes duration +from the manager, I ran the gauntlet from the prima donna to the last +triangle of the orchestra, who cut away a back button of my coat as a +"souvenir." During all this, I must confess, very little acting was +needed on my part. They were so perfectly contented with their +self-deception, that if I had made an affidavit before the mayor--if +there be such a functionary in such an insane town--they would not have +believed me. Wearied and exhausted at length, by all I had gone through, +I sat down upon a bench, and, affecting to be overcome by my feelings, +concealed my face in my handkerchief. This was the first moment of +relief I experienced since my arrival; but it was not to last long, for +the manager, putting down his head close to my ear, whispered-- + +"Monsieur Meerberger, I have a surprise for you--such as you have not had +for some time, I venture to say"-- + +"I defy you on this head," thought I. "If they make me out king Solomon +now, it will not amaze me"-- + +"And when I tell you my secret," continued he, "you will acknowledge I +cannot be of a very jealous disposition. Madame Baptiste has just told +me she knew you formerly, and that--she--that is, you--were--in fact, you +understand--there had been--so to say--a little 'amourette' between you." + +I groaned in spirit as I thought, now am I lost without a chance of +escape--the devil take her reminiscences. + +"I see," continued le bon mari, "you cannot guess of whom I speak; but +when I tell you of Amelie Grandet, your memory will, perhaps, be better." + +"Amelie Grandet!" said I, with a stage start. I need not say that I had +never heard the name before. "Amelie Grandet here!" + +"Yes, that she is," said the manager, rubbing his hands; "and my wife, +too"-- + +"Married!--Amelie Grandet married! No, no; it is impossible--I cannot +believe it. But were it true--true, mark me--for worlds would I not meet +her." + +"Comment il est drole," said the manager, soliloquising aloud; "for my +wife takes it much easier, seeing they never met each other since they +were fifteen." + +"Ho, ho!" thought I, "the affair is not so bad either--time makes great +changes in that space." "And does she still remember me?" said I, in a +very Romeo-in-the-garden voice. + +"Why, so far as remembering the little boy that used to play with her in +the orchard at her mother's cottage near Pirna, and with whom she used to +go boating upon the Elbe, I believe the recollection is perfect. But +come along--she insists upon seeing you, and is this very moment waiting +supper in our room for you." + +"A thorough German she must be," thought I, "with her sympathies and her +supper--her reminiscences and her Rhine wine hunting in couples through +her brain." + +Summoning courage from the fact of our long absence from each other, I +followed the manager through a wilderness of pavilions, forests, clouds +and cataracts, and at length arrived at a little door, at which he +knocked gently. + +"Come in," said a soft voice inside. We opened, and beheld a very +beautiful young woman, in Tyrolese costume. She was to perform in the +afterpiece--her low boddice and short scarlet petticoat displaying the +most perfect symmetry of form and roundness of proportion. She was +dressing her hair before a low glass as we came in, and scarcely turned +at our approach; but in an instant, as if some sudden thought had struck +her, she sprung fully round, and looking at me fixedly for above a +minute--a very trying one for me--she glanced at her husband, whose +countenance plainly indicated that she was right, and calling out, +"C'est lui--c'est bien lui," threw herself into my arms, and sobbed +convulsively. + +"If this were to be the only fruits of my impersonation," thought I, "it +is not so bad--but I am greatly afraid these good people will find out a +wife and seven babies for me before morning." + +Whether the manager thought that enough had been done for stage effect, +I know not; but he gently disengaged the lovely Amelie, and deposited her +upon a sofa, to a place upon which she speedily motioned me by a look +from a pair of very seducing blue eyes. + +"Francois, mon cher, you must put off La Chaumiere. I can't play +to-night." + +"Put it off! But only think of the audience, ma mie--they will pull down +the house." + +"C'est possible," said she, carelessly. "If that give them any pleasure, +I suppose they must be indulged; but I, too, must have a little of my own +way. I shall not play." + +The tone this was said in--the look--the easy gesture of command--no less +than the afflicted helplessness of the luckless husband, showed me that +Amelie, however docile as a sweetheart, had certainly her own way as +wife. + +While Le cher Francois then retired, to make his proposition to the +audience, of substituting something for the Chaumiere--the "sudden +illness of Madame Baptiste having prevented her appearance,"--we began to +renew our old acquaintance, by a thousand inquiries from that long-past +time, when we were sweethearts and lovers. + +"You remember me then so well?" said I. + +"As of yesterday. You are much taller, and your eyes darker; but +still--there is something. You know, however, I have been expecting to +see you these two days; and tell me frankly how do you find me looking?" + +"More beautiful, a thousand times more beautiful than ever--all save in +one thing, Amelie." + +"And that is--" + +"You are married." + +"How you jest. But let us look back. Do you ever think on any of our +old compacts?" Here she pulled a leaf from a rose bud in her bouquet, +and kissed it. "I wager you have forgotten that." + +How I should have replied to this masonic sign, God knows; but the +manager fortunately entered, to assure us that the audience had kindly +consented not to pull down the house, but to listen to a five act tragedy +instead, in which he had to perform the principal character. "So, then, +don't wait supper, Amelie; but take care of Monsieur Meerberger till my +return." + +Thus, once more were we left to our souvenirs, in which, whenever hard +pushed myself, I regularly carried the war into the enemy's camp, by +allusions to incidents, which I need not observe had never occurred. +After a thousand stories of our early loves, mingled with an occasional +sigh over their fleeting character--now indulging a soft retrospect of +the once happy past--now moralising on the future--Amelie and I chatted +away the hours till the conclusion of the tragedy. + +By this time, the hour was approaching for my departure; so, after a very +tender leave-taking with my new friend and my old love, I left the +theatre, and walked slowly along to the river. + +"So much for early associations," thought I; "and how much better pleased +are we ever to paint the past according to our own fancy, than to +remember it as it really was. Hence all the insufferable cant about +happy infancy, and 'the glorious schoolboy days,' which have generally no +more foundation in fact than have the 'Chateaux en Espagne' we build up +for the future. I wager that the real Amant d'enfance, when he arrives, +is not half so great a friend with the fair Amelie as his unworthy +shadow. At the same time, I had just as soon that Lady Jane should have +no 'premiers amours' to look back upon, except such as I have performed a +character in." + +The plash of oars near me broke up my reflections, and the next moment +found me skimming the rapid Rhine, as I thought for the last time. What +will they say in Strasbourg to-morrow? How will they account for the +mysterious disappearance of Monsieur Meerberger? Poor Amelie Grandet! +For so completely had the late incidents engrossed my attention, that I +had for the moment lost sight of the most singular event of all--how I +came to be mistaken for the illustrious composer. + + + +CHAPTER XLIX. + +A SURPRISE. + +It was late upon the following day ere I awoke from the long deep sleep +that closed my labours in Strasbourg. In the confusion of my waking +thoughts, I imagined myself still before a crowded and enthusiastic +audience--the glare of the foot-lights--the crash of the orchestra--the +shouts of "l'Auteur," "l'Auteur," were all before me, and so completely +possessed me, that, as the waiter entered with hot water, I could not +resist the impulse to pull off my night-cap with one hand, and press the +other to my heart in the usual theatrical style of acknowledgments for a +most flattering reception. The startled look of the poor fellow as he +neared the door to escape, roused me from my hallucination, and awakened +me to the conviction that the suspicion of lunacy might be a still +heavier infliction than the personation of Monsieur Meerberger. + +With thoughts of this nature, I assumed my steadiest demeanour--ordered +my breakfast in the most orthodox fashion--eat it like a man in his +senses; and when I threw myself back in the wicker conveniency they call +a caleche, and bid adieu to Kehl, the whole fraternity of the inn would +have given me a certificate of sanity before any court in Europe. + +"Now for Munich," said I, as we rattled along down the steep street of +the little town. "Now for Munich, with all the speed that first of +postmasters and slowest of men, the Prince of Tour and Taxis, will afford +us." + +The future engrossed all my thoughts; and puzzling as my late adventures +had been to account for, I never for a moment reverted to the past. "Is +she to be mine?" was the ever-rising question in my mind. The thousand +difficulties that had crossed my path might long since have terminated a +pursuit where there was so little of promise, did I not cherish the idea +in my heart, that I was fated to succeed. Sheridan answered the ribald +sneers of his first auditory, by saying, "Laugh on; but I have it in me, +and by ____ it shall come out." So I whispered to myself:--Go on Harry. +Luck has been hitherto against you, it is true; but you have yet one +throw of the dice, and something seems to say, a fortunate one in store; +and, if so----, but I cannot trust myself with such anticipations. I am +well aware how little the world sympathises with the man whose fortunes +are the sport of his temperament--that April-day frame of mind is ever +the jest and scoff of those hardier and sterner natures, who, if never +overjoyed by success, are never much depressed by failure. That I have +been cast in the former mould, these Confessions have, alas! plainly +proved; but that I regret it, I fear also, for my character for sound +judgment, I must answer "No." + + Better far to be + In utter darkness lying, + Than be blest with light, and see + That light for ever flying + +is, doubtless, very pretty poetry, but very poor philosophy. For myself +--and some glimpses of sunshine this fair world has afforded me, fleeting +and passing enough, in all conscience--and yet I am not so ungrateful as +to repine at my happiness, because it was not permanent, as I am thankful +for those bright hours of "Love's young dream," which, if nothing more, +are at least delightful souvenirs. They form the golden thread in the +tangled web of our existence, ever appearing amid the darker surface +around, and throwing a fair halo of brilliancy on what, without it, were +cold, bleak, and barren. No, no-- + + The light that lies + In woman's eyes, + +were it twice as fleeting--as it is ten times more brilliant--than the +forked lightning, irradiates the dark gloom within us for many a long day +after it has ceased to shine upon us. As in boyhood it is the humanizing +influence that tempers the fierce and unruly passions of our nature, so +in manhood it forms the goal to which all our better and higher +aspirations tend, telling us there is something more worthy than gold, +and a more lofty pinnacle of ambition than the praise and envy of our +fellow-men; and we may rest assured, that when this feeling dies within +us, that all the ideal of life dies with it, and nothing remains save the +dull reality of our daily cares and occupations. "I have lived and have +loved," saith Schiller; and if it were not that there seems some +tautology in the phrase, I should say, such is my own motto. If Lady +Jane but prove true--if I have really succeeded--if, in a word--but why +speculate upon such chances?--what pretensions have I?--what reasons to +look for such a prize? Alas! and alas! were I to catechise myself too +closely, I fear that my horses' heads would face towards Calais, and that +I should turn my back upon the only prospect of happiness I can picture +to myself in this world. In reflections such as these, the hours rolled +over, and it was already late at night when we reached the little village +of Merchem. While fresh horses were being got ready, I seized the +occasion to partake of the table d'hote supper of the inn, at the door +of which the diligence was drawn up. Around the long, and not +over-scrupulously clean table, sat the usual assemblage of a German +"Eilwagen"--smoking, dressing salad, knitting, and occasionally picking +their teeth with their forks, until the soup should make its appearance. +Taking my place amid this motley assemblage of mustachioed shopkeepers +and voluminously-petticoated frows, I sat calculating how long human +patience could endure such companionship, when my attention was aroused +by hearing a person near me narrate to his friend the circumstances of my +debut at Strasbourg, with certain marginal notes of his own that not a +little surprised me. + +"And so it turned out not to be Meerberger, after all,": said the +listener. + +"Of course not," replied the other. "Meerberger's passport was stolen +from him in the diligence by this English escroc, and the consequence +was, that our poor countryman was arrested, the other passport being +found upon him; while the Englishman, proceeding to Strasbourg, took his +benefit at the opera, and walked away with above twelve thousand florins. + +"Sappermint" said the other, tossing off his beer. "He must have been a +clever fellow, though, to lead the orchestra in the Franc Macons." + +"That is the most astonishing part of all; for they say in Strasbourg +that his performance upon the violin was far finer than Paganini's; but +there seems some secret in it, after all: for Madame Baptiste swears that +he is Meerberger; and in fact the matter is far from being cleared up +--nor can it be till he is apprehended." + +"Which shall not be for some time to come," said I to myself, as, +slipping noiselessly from the room, I regained my "caleche," and in ten +minutes more was proceeding on my journey. So much for correct +information, thought I. One thing, however, is certain--to the chance +interchange of passports I owe my safety, with the additional +satisfaction that my little German acquaintance is reaping a pleasant +retribution for all his worry and annoyance of me in the coupe. + +Only he who has toiled over the weary miles of a long journey +--exclusively occupied with one thought--one overpowering feeling--can +adequately commiserate my impatient anxiety as the days rolled slowly +over on the long tiresome road that leads from the Rhine to the south of +Germany. + +The morning was breaking on the fourth day of my journey as the tall +spires of Munich rose to my view, amid the dull and arid desert of sand +that city is placed in. At last! was my exclamation as the postilion +tapped at the window with his whip, and then pointed towards the city. +At last! Oh! what would be the extacy of my feelings now could I +exchange the torturing anxieties of suspense for the glorious certainty +my heart throbs for; now my journey is nearing its end to see me claim as +my own what I now barely aspire to in the sanguine hope of a heart that +will not despair. But cheer up, Harry. It is a noble stake you play +for; and it is ever the bold gambler that wins. Scarcely was this +reflection made half aloud, when a sudden shock threw me from my seat. +I fell towards the door, which, bursting open, launched me out upon the +road, at the same moment that the broken axletree of the caleche had +upset it on the opposite side, carrying one horse along with it, and +leaving the other with the postillion on his back, kicking and plunging +with all his might. After assisting the frightened fellow to dismount, +and having cut the traces of the restive animal, I then perceived that in +the melee I had not escaped scatheless. I could barely stand; and, on +passing my hand upon my instep, perceived I had sprained my ancle in the +fall. The day was only breaking, no one was in sight, so that after a +few minutes' consideration, the best thing to do, appeared to get the +other horse upon his legs, and despatching the postillion to Munich, +then about three leagues distant, for a carriage, wait patiently on the +road-side for his return. No sooner was the resolve made than carried +into execution; and in less than a quarter of an hour from the moment of +the accident, I was seated upon the bank, watching the retiring figure of +the postillion, as he disappeared down a hill, on his way to Munich. +When the momentary burst of impatience was over, I could not help +congratulating myself, that I was so far fortunate in reaching the end of +my journey ere the mischance befell me. Had it occurred at Stuttgard I +really think that it would have half driven me distracted. + +I was not long in my present situation till a number of peasants, with +broad-brimmed hats, and many-buttoned coats, passed on their way to work; +they all saluted me respectfully; but although they saw the broken +carriage, and might well guess at the nature of my accident, yet not +one ever thought of proffering his services, or even indulging curiosity, +by way of inquiry. "How thoroughly German," thought I; "these people are +the Turks of Europe, stupified with tobacco and 'starkes bier.' They +have no thought for any thing but themselves, and their own immediate +occupations." Perceiving at length one whose better dress and more +intelligent look bespoke a rank above the common, I made the effort with +such "platt deutsch," as I could muster, to ask if there were any house +near, where I could remain till the postillion's return? and learned +greatly to my gratification, that by taking the path which led through a +grove of pine trees near me, I should find a chateau; but who was the +proprietor he knew not; indeed the people were only newly come, and he +believed were foreigners. English he thought. Oh, how my heart jumped +as I said, "can they be the Callonbys; are they many in family; are there +ladies--young ladies, among them?"--he knew not. Having hastily arranged +with my new friend to watch the carriage till my return, I took the path +he showed me, and smarting with pain at every step, hurried along as best +I could towards the chateau. I had not walked many minutes, when a break +in the wood gave me a view of the old mansion, and at once dispelled the +illusion that was momentarily gaining upon me. "They could not be the +Callonbys." The house was old; and though it had once been a fine and +handsome structure, exhibited now abundant traces of decay; the rich +cornices which supported the roof had fallen in many places, and lay in +fragments upon the terrace beneath; the portico of the door was half +tumbling; and the architraves of the windows were broken and dismantled; +the tall and once richly ornamented chimnies, were bereft of all their +tracery, and stood bolt upright in all their nakedness above the high +pitched roof. A straggling "jet d'eau" was vigorously fighting its way +amid a mass of creeping shrubs and luxuriant lichens that had grown +around and above a richly carved fountain, and fell in a shower of +sparkling dew upon the rank grass and tall weeds around. The gentle +murmur was the only sound that broke the stillness of the morning. + +A few deities in lead and stone, mutilated and broken, stood like the +Genii loci, guarding the desolation about them, where an old, +superannuated peacock, with dropping, ragged tail was the only living +thing to be seen. All bespoke the wreck of what once was great and +noble, and all plainly told me that such could not be the abode of the +Callonbys. + +Half doubting that the house were inhabited, and half scrupling if so to +disturb its inmates from their rest, I sat down upon the terrace steps +and fell into a fit of musing on the objects about. That strange +propensity of my countrymen to settle down in remote and unfrequented +spots upon the continent, had never struck me so forcibly; for although +unquestionably there were evident traces of the former grandeur of the +place, yet it was a long past greatness; and in the dilapidated walls, +broken statues, weed grown walls, and dark and tangled pine grove, there +were more hints for sadness than I should willingly surround myself by in +a residence. The harsh grating of a heavy door behind roused me; I +turned and beheld an old man in a species of tarnished and worm-eaten +livery, who, holding the door, again gazed at me with a mingled +expression of fear and curiosity. Having briefly explained the +circumstances which had befallen me, and appealed to the broken caleche +upon the road to corroborate a testimony that I perceived needed such +aid, the old man invited me to enter, saying that his master and mistress +were not risen, but that he would himself give me some breakfast, of +which by this time I stood much in want. The room into which I was +ushered, corresponded well with the exterior of the house. It was large, +bleak, and ill furnished; the ample, uncurtained windows; the cold, white +pannelled walls; the uncarpeted floor; all giving it an air of +uninhabitable misery. A few chairs of the Louis-quatorze taste, with +blue velvet linings, faded and worn, a cracked marble table upon legs +that once had been gilt; two scarcely detectable portraits of a mail-clad +hero and a scarcely less formidable fair, with a dove upon her wrist, +formed the principal articles of furniture in the dismal abode, where so +"triste" and depressing did every thing appear, that I half regretted the +curiosity that had tempted me from the balmy air, and cheerful morning +without, to the gloom and solitude around me. + +The old man soon re-appeared with a not despicable cup of "Cafe noir," +and a piece of bread as large as a teaspoon, and used by the Germans +pretty much in the same way. As the adage of the "gift horse" is of +tolerably general acceptation, I eat and was thankful, mingling my +acknowledgments from time to time with some questions about the owners of +the mansion, concerning whom I could not help feeling curious. The +ancient servitor, however, knew little or nothing of those he served; his +master was the honourable baron; but of his name he was ignorant; his +mistress was young; they had not been many months there; they knew no +one--had no visitors--he had heard they were English, but did not know it +himself; they were "Gute leute," "good people," and that was enough for +him. How strange did all this seem, that two people, young, too, should +separate themselves from all the attractions and pleasures of the world, +and settle down in the dark and dreary solitude, where every association +was of melancholy, every object a text for sad reflections. Lost in +these thoughts I sat down beside the window, and heeded not the old man +as he noiselessly left the room. My thoughts ran on over the strange +phases in which life presents itself, and how little after all external +influences have to do with that peace of mind whose origin is within. +The Indian, whose wigwam is beside the cataract, heeds not its thunders, +nor feels its sprays as they fall in everlasting dews upon him; the Arab +of the desert sees no bleakness in those never ending plains, upon whose +horizon his eye has rested from childhood to age. Who knows but he who +inhabits this lonely dwelling may have once shone in the gay world, +mixing in its follies, tasting of its fascination; and to think that now +--the low murmurs of the pine tops, the gentle rustle of the water +through the rank grass, and my own thoughts combining, overcame me at +length, and I slept--how long I know not; but when I awoke, certain +changes about showed me that some length of time had elapsed; a gay wood +fire was burning on the hearth; an ample breakfast covered the table; and +the broadsheet of the "Times" newspaper was negligently reposing in the +deep hollow of an arm chair. Before I had well thought how to apologize +for the cool insouciance of my intrusion, the door opened, and a tall, +well built man entered; his shooting jacket and gaiters were evidence of +his English origin, while a bushy moustache and most ample "Henri quatre" +nearly concealed features, that still were not quite unknown to me; he +stopped, looked steadily at me, placed a hand on either shoulder, and +calling out, "Harry--Harry Lorrequer, by all that's glorious!" rushed +from the room in a transport of laughter. + +If my escape from the gallows depended upon my guessing my friend, I +should have submitted to the last penalty of the law; never was I so +completely nonplussed. Confound him what does he mean by running away +in that fashion. It would serve him right were I to decamp by one of +the windows before he comes back; but hark! some one is approaching. + +"I tell you I cannot be mistaken," said the man's voice from without. + +"Oh, impossible!" said a lady-like accent that seemed not heard by me for +the first time. + +"Judge for yourself; though certainly the last time you saw him may +confuse your memory a little." + +"What the devil does he mean by that?" said I, as the door opened, and a +very beautiful young woman came forward, who, after a moment's +hesitation, called out-- + +"True, indeed, it is Mr. Lorrequer, but he seems to have forgotten me." + +The eyes, the lips, the tone of the voice, were all familiar. What! can +it be possible? Her companion who had now entered, stood behind her, +holding his sides with ill-suppressed mirth; and at length called out-- + +"Harry, my boy, you scarcely were more discomposed the last morning we +parted, when the yellow plush--" + +"By Jove it is," said I, as I sprang forward, and seizing my fair friend +in my arms, saluted upon both cheeks my quondam flame, Miss Kamworth, now +the wife of my old friend Jack Waller, of whom I have made due mention in +an early chapter of these Confessions. + +Were I given a muster roll of my acquaintance to say which of them might +inhabit this deserted mansion, Jack Waller would certainly have been the +last I should have selected--the gay, lively, dashing, high-spirited +Jack, fond of society, dress, equipage, living greatly in the world, +known to and liked by every body, of universal reputation. Did you want +a cavalier to see your wife through a crush at the opera, a friend in a +duel, a rider for your kicking horse in a stiff steeple chase, a bow oar +for your boat at a rowing match, Jack was your man. Such then was my +surprise at finding him here, that although there were many things I +longed to inquire about, my first question was-- + +"And how came you here?" + +"Life has its vicissitudes," replied Jack, laughing; "many stranger +things have come to pass than my reformation. But first of all let us +think of breakfast; you shall have ample satisfaction for all your +curiosity afterwards." + +"Not now, I fear; I am hurrying on to Munich." + +"Oh, I perceive; but you are aware that--your friends are not there." + +"The Callonbys not at Munich!" said I, with a start. + +"No; they have been at Saltzburgh, in the Tyrol, for some weeks; but +don't fret yourself, they are expected to-morrow in time for the court +masquerade; so that until then at least you are my guest." + +Overjoyed at this information, I turned my attention towards madame, +whom I found much improved; the embonpoint of womanhood had still farther +increased the charms of one who had always been handsome; and I could not +help acknowledging that my friend Jack was warrantable in any scheme for +securing such a prize. + + + + +CHAPTER L. + +JACK WALLER'S STORY. + +The day passed quickly over with my newly-found friends, whose curiosity +to learn my adventures since we parted, anticipated me in my wish to +learn theirs. After an early dinner, however, with a fresh log upon the +hearth, a crusty flask of red hermitage before us, Jack and I found +ourselves alone and at liberty to speak freely together. + +"I scarcely could have expected such would be our meeting, Jack," said I, +"from the way we last parted." + +"Yes, by Jove, Harry; I believe I behaved but shabbily to you in that +affair; but 'Love and War,' you know; and besides we had a distinct +agreement drawn up between us." + +"All true; and after all you are perhaps less to blame than my own +miserable fortune that lies in wait to entrap and disappoint me at every +turn in life. Tell me what do you know of the Callonbys?" + +"Nothing personally; we have met them at dinner, a visit passed +subsequently between us, 'et voila tout;' they have been scenery hunting, +picture hunting, and all that sort of thing since their arrival; and +rarely much in Munich; but how do you stand there? to be or not to +be--eh?" + +"That is the very question of all others I would fain solve; and yet am +in most complete ignorance of all about it; but the time approaches which +must decide all. I have neither temper nor patience for further +contemplation of it; so here goes; success to the Enterprize." + +"Or," said Jack, tossing off his glass at the moment, "or, as they would +say in Ireland, 'your health and inclinations, if they be virtuous.'" + +"And now, Jack, tell me something of your own fortunes since the day you +passed me in the post-chaise and four." + +"The story is soon told. You remember that when I carried off Mary, I +had no intention of leaving England whatever: my object was, after making +her my wife, to open negociations with the old colonel, and after the +approved routine of penitential letters, imploring forgiveness, and +setting forth happiness only wanting his sanction to make it heaven +itself, to have thrown ourselves at his feet 'selon les regles,' sobbed, +blubbered, blew our noses, and dressed for dinner, very comfortable +inmates of that particularly snug residence, 'Hydrabad Cottage.' Now +Mary, who behaved with great courage for a couple of days, after that got +low-spirited and depressed; the desertion of her father, as she called +it, weighed upon her mind, and all my endeavours to rally and comfort +her, were fruitless and unavailing. Each day, however, I expected to +hear something of, or from, the colonel, that would put an end to this +feeling of suspense; but no--three weeks rolled on, and although I took +care that he knew of our address, we never received any communication. +You are aware that when I married, I knew Mary had, or was to have, a +large fortune; and that I myself had not more than enough in the world +to pay the common expenses of our wedding tour. My calculation was this +--the reconciliation will possibly, what with delays of post--distance +--and deliberation, take a month--say five weeks--now, at forty pounds per +week, that makes exactly two hundred pounds--such being the precise limit +of my exchequer, when blessed with a wife, a man, and a maid, three +imperials, a cap-case, and a poodle, I arrived at the Royal Hotel, in +Edinburgh. Had I been Lord Francis Egerton, with his hundred thousand a +year, looking for a new 'distraction,' at any price; or still more--were +I a London shopkeeper, spending a Sunday in Boulogne sur Mer, and trying +to find out something expensive, as he had only one day to stay, I could +not have more industriously sought out opportunities for extravagance, +and each day contrived to find out some two or three acquaintances to +bring home to dinner. And as I affected to have been married for a long +time, Mary felt less genee among strangers, and we got on famously; still +the silence of the colonel weighed upon her mind, and although she +partook of none of my anxieties from that source, being perfectly +ignorant of the state of my finances, she dwelt so constantly upon this +subject, that I at length yielded to her repeated solicitations, and +permitted her to write to her father. Her letter was a most proper one; +combining a dutiful regret for leaving her home, with the hope that her +choice had been such as to excuse her rashness, or, at least, palliate +her fault. It went to say, that her father's acknowledgment of her, was +all she needed or cared for, to complete her happiness, and asking for +his permission to seek it in person. This was the substance of the +letter, which upon the whole, satisfied me, and I waited anxiously for +the reply. At the end of five days the answer arrived. It was thus:-- + + "'Dear Mary, + + "'You have chosen your own path in life, and having done so, I have + neither the right nor inclination to interfere with your decision; + I shall neither receive you, nor the person you have made your + husband; and to prevent any further disappointment, inform you that, + as I leave this to-morrow, any future letters you might think proper + to address, will not reach me. + + "'Yours very faithful, + C. Kamworth, Hydrabad Cottage.' + +"This was a tremendous coup, and not in the least anticipated by either +of us; upon me the effect was stunning, knowing, as I did, that our +fast-diminishing finances were nearly expended. Mary on the other hand, +who neither knew nor thought of the exchequer, rallied at once from her +depression, and after a hearty fit of crying, dried her eyes, and putting +her arm round my neck, said: + +"'Well, Jack, I must only love you the more, since papa will not share +any of my affection.' + +"'I wish he would his purse though,' muttered I, as I pressed her in my +arms, and strove to seem perfectly happy. + +"I shall not prolong my story by dwelling upon the agitation this letter +cost me; however, I had yet a hundred pounds left, and an aunt in +Harley-street, with whom I had always been a favourite. This thought, +the only rallying one I possessed, saved me for the time; and as fretting +was never my forte, I never let Mary perceive that any thing had gone +wrong, and managed so well in this respect, that my good spirits raised +her's, and we set out for London one fine sunshiny morning, as happy a +looking couple as ever travelled the north road. + +"When we arrived at the 'Clarendon,' my first care was to get into a cab, +and drive to Harley-street. I rung the bell; and not waiting to ask if +my aunt was at home, I dashed up stairs to the drawing-room; in I bolted, +and instead of the precise old Lady Lilford, sitting at her embroidery, +with her fat poodle beside her, beheld a strapping looking fellow, with a +black moustache, making fierce love to a young lady on a sofa beside him. + +"'Why, how is this--I really--there must be some mistake here.' In my +heart I knew that such doings in my good aunt's dwelling were impossible. + +"'I should suspect there is, sir,' drawled out he of the moustache, as he +took a very cool survey of me, through his glass. + +"'Is Lady Lilford at home, may I ask,' said I, in a very apologetic tone +of voice. + +"'I haven't the honor of her ladyship's acquaintance,' replied he in a +lisp, evidently enjoying my perplexity, which was every moment becoming +more evident. + +"'But this is her house,' said I, 'at least--' + +"'Lady Lilford is at Paris, sir,' said the young lady, who now spoke for +the first time. 'Papa has taken the house for the season, and that may +perhaps account for your mistake.' + +"What I muttered by way of apology for my intrusion, I know not; but I +stammered--the young lady blushed--the beau chuckled, and turned to the +window, and when I found myself in the street, I scarcely knew whether to +laugh at my blunder, or curse my disappointment. + +"The next morning I called upon my aunt's lawyer, and having obtained her +address in Paris, sauntered to the 'Junior Club,' to write her a letter +before post hour. As I scanned over the morning papers, I could not help +smiling at the flaming paragraph which announced my marriage, to the only +daughter and heiress of the Millionaire, Colonel Kamworth. Not well +knowing how to open the correspondence with my worthy relative, I folded +the paper containing the news, and addressed it to 'Lady Lilford, Hotel +de Bristol, Paris.' + +"When I arrived at the 'Clarendon,' I found my wife and her maid +surrounded by cases and band-boxes; laces, satins and velvets were +displayed on all sides, while an emissary from 'Storr and Mortimer' was +arranging a grand review of jewellery on a side table, one half of which +would have ruined the Rajah of Mysore, to purchase. My advice was +immediately called into requisition; and pressed into service, I had +nothing left for it, but to canvass, criticise, and praise, between +times, which I did, with a good grace, considering that I anticipated the +'Fleet,' for every flounce of Valenciennes lace; and could not help +associating a rich diamond aigrette, with hard labour for life, and the +climate of New South Wales. The utter abstraction I was in, led to some +awkward contre temps; and as my wife's enthusiasm for her purchases +increased, so did my reverie gain ground. + +"'Is it not beautiful, Jack?--how delicately worked--it must have taken a +long time to do it.' + +"'Seven years,' I muttered, as my thoughts ran upon a very different +topic. + +"'Oh, no--not so much,' said she laughing; 'and it must be such a hard +thing to do.' + +"'Not half so hard as carding wool, or pounding oyster shells.' + +"'How absurd you are. Well, I'll take this, it will look so well in--' + +"'Botany Bay,' said I, with a sigh that set all the party laughing, which +at last roused me, and enabled me to join in the joke. + +"As, at length, one half of the room became filled with millinery, and +the other glittered with jewels and bijouterie, my wife grew weary with +her exertions, and we found ourselves alone. + +"When I told her that my aunt had taken up her residence in Paris, it +immediately occurred to her, how pleasant it would be to go there too; +and, although I concurred in the opinion for very different reasons, it +was at length decided we should do so; and the only difficulty now +existed as to the means, for although the daily papers teem with 'four +ways to go from London to Paris;' they all resolved themselves into one, +and that one, unfortunately to me, the most difficult and impracticable +--by money. + +"There was, however, one last resource open--the sale of my commission. +I will not dwell upon what it cost me to resolve upon this--the +determination was a painful one, but it was soon come to, and before +five-o'clock that day, Cox and Greenwood had got their instructions to +sell out for me, and had advanced a thousand pounds of the purchase. Our +bill settled--the waiters bowing to the ground (it is your ruined man +that is always most liberal)--the post-horses harnessed, and impatient +for the road, I took my place beside my wife, while my valet held a +parasol over the soubrette in the rumble, all in the approved fashion of +those who have an unlimited credit with Coutts and Drummond; the whips +cracked, the leaders capered, and with a patronizing bow to the +proprietor of the 'Clarendon,' away we rattled to Dover. + +"After the usual routine of sea sickness, fatigue, and poisonous cookery, +we reached Paris on the fifth day, and put up at the 'Hotel de Londres,' +Place Vendome. + +"To have an adequate idea of the state of my feelings as I trod the +splendid apartments of this princely Hotel, surrounded by every luxury +that wealth can procure, or taste suggest, you must imagine the condition +of a man, who is regaled with a sumptuous banquet on the eve of his +execution. The inevitable termination to all my present splendour, was +never for a moment absent from my thoughts, and the secrecy with which I +was obliged to conceal my feelings, formed one of the greatest sources of +my misery. The coup, when it does come, will be sad enough, and poor +Mary may as well have the comfort of the deception, as long as it lasts, +without suffering as I do. Such was the reasoning by which I met every +resolve to break to her the real state of our finances, and such the +frame of mind in which I spent my days at Paris, the only really unhappy +ones I can ever charge my memory with. + +"We had scarcely got settled in the hotel, when my aunt, who inhabited +the opposite side of the 'Place,' came over to see us and wish us joy. +She had seen the paragraph in the Post, and like all other people with +plenty of money, fully approved a match like mine. + +"She was delighted with Mary, and despite the natural reserve of the old +maiden lady, became actually cordial, and invited us to dine with her +that day, and every succeeding one we might feel disposed to do so. So +far so well, thought I, as I offered her my arm to see her home; but if +she knew of what value even this small attention is to us, am I quite so +sure she would offer it?--however, no time is to be lost; I cannot live +in this state of hourly agitation; I must make some one the confidant of +my sorrows, and none so fit as she who can relieve as well as advise upon +them. Although such was my determination, yet somehow I could not pluck +up courage for the effort. My aunt's congratulations upon my good luck, +made me shrink from the avowal; and while she ran on upon the beauty and +grace of my wife, topics I fully concurred in, I also chimed in with her +satisfaction at the prudential and proper motives which led to the match. +Twenty times I was on the eve of interrupting her, and saying, 'But, +madam, I am a beggar--my wife has not a shilling--I have absolutely +nothing--her father disowns us--my commission is sold, and in three +weeks, the 'Hotel de Londres' and the 'Palais Royale,' will be some +hundred pounds the richer, and I without the fare of a cab, to drive me +to the Seine to drown myself.' + +"Such were my thoughts; but whenever I endeavoured to speak them, some +confounded fulness in my throat nearly choked me; my temples throbbed, my +hands trembled, and whether it was shame, or the sickness of despair, I +cannot say; but the words would not come, and all that I could get out +was some flattery of my wife's beauty, or some vapid eulogy upon my own +cleverness in securing such a prize. To give you in one brief sentence +an idea of my state, Harry--know, then, that though loving Mary with all +my heart and soul, as I felt she deserved to be loved, fifty times a day +I would have given my life itself that you had been the successful man, +on the morning I carried her off, and that Jack Waller was once more a +bachelor, to see the only woman he ever loved, the wife of another. + +"But, this is growing tedious, Harry, I must get over the ground faster; +two months passed over at Paris, during which we continued to live at +the 'Londres,' giving dinners, soirees, dejeuners, with the prettiest +equipage in the 'Champs Elysees,' we were quite the mode; my wife, which +is rare enough for an Englishwoman, knew how to dress herself. Our +evening parties were the most recherche things going, and if I were +capable of partaking of any pleasure in the eclat, I had my share, having +won all the pigeon matches in the Bois de Boulegard, and beat Lord Henry +Seymour himself in a steeple chase. The continual round of occupation in +which pleasure involves a man, is certainly its greatest attraction +--reflection is impossible--the present is too full to admit any of the +past, and very little of the future; and even I, with all my terrors +awaiting me, began to feel a half indifference to the result in the +manifold cares of my then existence. To this state of fatalism, for +such it was becoming, had I arrived, when the vision was dispelled in +a moment, by a visit from my aunt, who came to say, that some business +requiring her immediate presence in London, she was to set out that +evening, but hoped to find us in Paris on her return. I was +thunderstruck at the news, for, although as yet I had obtained no manner +of assistance from the old lady, yet, I felt that her very presence was a +kind of security to us, and that in every sudden emergency, she was there +to apply to. My money was nearly expended, the second and last +instalment of my commission was all that remained, and much of even that +I owed to trades-people. I now resolved to speak out--the worst must be +known, thought I, in a few days--and now or never be it. So saying, I +drew my aunt's arm within my own, and telling her that I wished a few +minutes conversation alone, led her to one of the less frequented walks +in the Tuilleries gardens. When we had got sufficiently far to be +removed from all listeners, I began then--'my dearest aunt, what I have +suffered in concealing from you so long, the subject of my present +confession, will plead as my excuse in not making you sooner my +confidante.' When I had got thus far, the agitation of my aunt was such, +that I could not venture to say more for a minute or two. At length, she +said, in a kind of hurried whisper, 'go on;' and although then I would +have given all I possessed in the world to have continued, I could not +speak a word. + +"'Dear John, what is it, any thing about Mary--for heavens sake speak.' + +"'Yes,' dearest aunt, 'it is about Mary, and entirely about Mary.' + +"'Ah, dear me, I feared it long since; but then, John, consider she is +very handsome--very much admired--and--' + +"'That makes it all the heavier, my dear aunt--the prouder her present +position, the more severely will she feel the reverse.' + +"'Oh, but surely, John, your fears must exaggerate the danger.' + +"'Nothing of the kind--I have not words to tell you--' + +"'Oh dear, oh dear, don't say so,' said the old lady blushing, 'for +though I have often remarked a kind of gay flirting manner she has with +men--I am sure she means nothing by it--she is so young--and so--' + +"I stopped, stepped forward, and looking straight in my aunt's face, +broke out into a fit of laughter, that she, mistaking for hysterical +from its violence, nearly fainted upon the spot. + +"As soon as I could sufficiently recover gravity to explain to my aunt +her mistake, I endeavoured to do so, but so ludicrous was the contre +temps, and so ashamed the old lady for her gratuitous suspicions, that +she would not listen to a word, and begged me to return to her hotel. +Such an unexpected turn to my communication routed all my plans, and +after a very awkward silence of some minutes on both sides, I mumbled +something about our expensive habits of life, costly equipage, number of +horses, &c., and hinted at the propriety of retrenchment. + +"'Mary rides beautifully,' said my aunt, drily.' + +"'Yes, but my dear aunt, it was not exactly of that I was going to speak, +for in fact--' + +"Oh John,' said she, interrupting--'I know your delicacy too well to +suspect; but, in fact, I have myself perceived what you allude to, and +wished very much to have some conversation with you on the subject.' + +"'Thank God,' said I to myself, 'at length, we understand each other--and +the ice is broken at last.' + +"'Indeed, I think I have anticipated your wish in the matter; but as time +presses, and I must look after all my packing, I shall say good by for a +few weeks, and in the evening, Jepson, who stays here, will bring you, +"what I mean," over to your hotel; once more, then, good by.' + +"'Good by, my dearest, kindest friend,' said I, taking a most tender +adieu of the old lady. 'What an excellent creature she is,' said I, half +aloud, as I turned towards home--'how considerate, how truly kind--to +spare me too all the pain of explanation.' Now I begin to breathe once +more. 'If there be a flask of Johannisberg in the "Londres," I'll drink +your health this day, and so shall Mary;' so saying, I entered the hotel +with a lighter heart, and a firmer step than ever it had been my fortune +to do hitherto. + +"'We shall miss the old lady, I'm sure, Mary, she is so kind.' + +"'Oh! indeed she is; but then, John, she is such a prude.' + +"Now I could not help recurring in my mind to some of the conversation in +the Tuilleries garden, and did not feel exactly at ease. + +"'Such a prude, and so very old-fashioned in her notions.' + +"'Yes, Mary,' said I, with more gravity than she was prepared for, 'she +is a prude; but I am not certain that in foreign society, where less +liberties are tolerated than in our country, if such a bearing be not +wiser.' What I was going to plunge into, heaven knows, for the waiter +entered at the moment, and presenting me with a large and carefully +sealed package, said, 'de la part de mi ladi Lilfore,'--'but stay, here +comes, if I am not mistaken, a better eulogy upon my dear aunt, than any +I can pronounce.' + +"How heavy it is, said I to myself, balancing the parcel in my hand. +'There is no answer,' said I, aloud to the waiter, who stood as if +expecting one. + +"'The servant wishes to have some acknowledgment in writing, sir, that it +has been delivered into your own hands.' + +"Jepson entered,--'well, George, your parcel is all right, and here is a +Napoleon to drink my health.' + +"Scarcely had the servants left the room, when Mary, whose curiosity was +fully roused, rushed over, and tried to get the packet from me; after a +short struggle, I yielded, and she flew to the end of the room, and +tearing open the seals, several papers fell to the ground; before I could +have time to snatch them up, she had read some lines written on the +envelope, and turning towards me, threw her arms around my neck, and +said, 'yes Jack, she is, indeed, all you have said; look here,' I turned +and read--with what feeling I leave to you to guess--the following:-- + +"'Dear Nephew and Niece, + +"'The enclosed will convey to you, with my warmest wishes for your +happiness, a ticket on the Francfort Lottery, of which I inclose the +scheme. I also take the opportunity of saying that I have purchased the +Hungarian pony for Mary--which we spoke of this morning. It is at +Johnston's stable, and will be delivered on sending for it.' + +"'Think of that, Jack, the Borghese poney, with the silky tail; mine--Oh! +what a dear good old soul; it was the very thing of all others I longed +for, for they told me the princess had refused every offer for it.' + +"While Mary ran on in this strain, I sat mute and stupified; the sudden +reverse my hopes had sustained, deprived me, for a moment, of all +thought, and it was several minutes before I could rightly take in the +full extent of my misfortunes. + +"How that crazy old maid, for such, alas, I called her to myself now, +could have so blundered all my meaning--how she could so palpably have +mistaken, I could not conceive; what a remedy for a man overwhelmed with +debt--a ticket in a German lottery, and a cream-coloured pony, as if my +whole life had not been one continued lottery, with every day a blank; +and as to horses, I had eleven in my stables already. Perhaps she +thought twelve would read better in my schedule, when I, next week, +surrendered as insolvent. + +"Unable to bear the delight, the childish delight of Mary, on her new +acquisition, I rushed out of the house, and wandered for several hours in +the Boulevards. At last I summoned up courage to tell my wife. I once +more turned towards home, and entered her dressing-room, where she was +having her hair dressed for a ball at the Embassy. My resolution failed +me--not now thought I--to-morrow will do as well--one night more of +happiness for her and then--I looked on with pleasure and pride, as +ornament after ornament, brilliant with diamonds and emeralds, shone in +her hair, and upon her arms, still heightened her beauty, and lit up with +a dazzling brilliancy her lovely figure.--But it must come--and whenever +the hour arrives--the reverse will be fully as bitter; besides I am able +now--and when I may again be so, who can tell--now then be it, said I, as +I told the waiting-maid to retire; and taking a chair beside my wife, put +my arm round her. + +"'There, John dearest, take care; don't you see you'll crush all that +great affair of Malines lace, that Rosette has been breaking her heart to +manage this half hour.' + +"'Et puis,' said I. + +"'Et puis. I could not go to the ball, naughty boy. I am bent on great +conquest to-night; so pray don't mar such good intentions.' + +"'And you should be greatly disappointed were you not to go?' + +"'Of course I should; but what do you mean; is there any reason why I +should not? You are silent, John--speak--oh speak--has any thing +occurred to my--' + +"'No, no, dearest--nothing that I know has occurred to the Colonel.' + +"'Well then, who is it? Oh tell me at once.' + +"'Oh, my dear, there is no one in the case but ourselves;' so saying, +despite the injunction about the lace, I drew her towards me, and in as +few words, but as clearly as I was able, explained all our circumstances +--my endeavour to better them--my hopes--my fears--and now my bitter +disappointment, if not despair. + +"The first shock over, Mary showed not only more courage, but more +sound sense than I could have believed. All the frivolity of her former +character vanished at the first touch of adversity; just as of old, +Harry, we left the tinsel of our gay jackets behind, when active service +called upon us for something more sterling. She advised, counselled, and +encouraged me by turns; and in half an hour the most poignant regret I +had was in not having sooner made her my confidante, and checked the +progress of our enormous expenditure somewhat earlier. + +"I shall not now detain you much longer. In three weeks we sold our +carriages and horses, our pictures, (we had begun this among our other +extravagances,) and our china followed; and under the plea of health set +out for Baden; not one among our Paris acquaintances ever suspecting the +real reason of our departure, and never attributing any monied +difficulties to us--for we paid our debts. + +"The same day we left Paris, I despatched a letter to my aunt, explaining +fully all about us, and suggesting that as I had now left the army for +ever, perhaps she would interest some of her friends--and she has +powerful ones--to do something for me. + +"After some little loitering on the Rhine, we fixed upon Hesse Cassel for +our residence. It was very quiet--very cheap. The country around +picturesque, and last but not least, there was not an Englishman in the +neighbourhood. The second week after our arrival brought us letters from +my aunt. She had settled four hundred a year upon us for the present, +and sent the first year in advance; promised us a visit as soon as we +were ready to receive her; and pledged herself not to forget when an +opportunity of serving me should offer. + +"From that moment to this," said Jack, "all has gone well with us. We +have, it is true, not many luxuries, but we have no wants, and better +still, no debts. The dear old aunt is always making us some little +present or other; and somehow I have a kind of feeling that better luck +is still in store; but faith, Harry, as long as I have a happy home, and +a warm fireside, for a friend when he drops in upon me, I scarcely can +say that better luck need be wished for." + +"There is only one point, Jack, you have not enlightened me upon, how +came you here? You are some hundred miles from Hesse, in your present +chateau." + +"Oh! by Jove, that was a great omission in my narrative; but come, this +will explain it; see here"--so saying, he drew from a little drawer a +large lithographic print of a magnificent castellated building, with +towers and bastions, keep, moat, and even draw-bridge, and the walls +bristled with cannon, and an eagled banner floated proudly above them. + +"What in the name of the Sphynxes is this?" + +"There," said Jack, "is the Schloss von Eberhausen; or, if you like it in +English, Eberhausen Castle, as it was the year of the deluge; for the +present mansion that we are now sipping our wine in bears no very close +resemblance to it. But to make the mystery clear, this was the great +prize in the Francfort lottery, the ticket of which my aunt's first note +contained, and which we were fortunate enough to win. We have only been +here a few weeks, and though the affair looks somewhat meagre, we have +hopes that in a little time, and with some pains, much may be done to +make it habitable. There is a capital chasses of some hundred acres; +plenty of wood and innumerable rights, seignorial, memorial, &c., which, +fortunately for my neighbours, I neither understand nor care for; and we +are therefore the best friends in the world. Among others I am styled +the graf or count--." + +"Well, then, Monsieur Le Comte, do you intend favouring me with your +company at coffee this evening; for already it is ten o'clock; and +considering my former claim upon Mr. Lorrequer, you have let me enjoy +very little of his society." + +We now adjourned to the drawing-room, where we gossipped away till past +midnight; and I retired to my room, meditating over Jack's adventures, +and praying in my heart, that despite all his mischances, my own might +end as happily. + + + + +CHAPTER LI. + +MUNICH. + +The rest and quietness of the preceding day had so far recovered me from +the effects of my accident, that I resolved, as soon as breakfast was +over, to take leave of my kind friends, and set out for Munich. + +"We shall meet to-night, Harry," said Waller, as we parted--"we shall +meet at the Casino--and don't forget that the Croix Blanche is your +hotel; and Schnetz, the tailor, in the Grande Place, will provide you +with every thing you need in the way of dress." + +This latter piece of information was satisfactory, inasmuch as the +greater part of my luggage, containing my uniform, &c., had been left in +the French diligence; and as the ball was patronised by the court, I was +greatly puzzled how to make my appearance. + +Bad roads and worse horses made me feel the few leagues I had to go the +most tiresome part of my journey. But, of course, in this feeling +impatience had its share. A few hours more, and my fate should be +decided; and yet I thought the time would never come. If the Callonbys +should not arrive--if, again, my evil star be in the ascendant, and any +new impediment to our meeting arise--but I cannot, will not, think this +--Fortune must surely be tired of persecuting me by this time, and, even to +sustain her old character for fickleness, must befriend me now. Ah! here +we are in Munich--and this is the Croix Blanche--what a dingy old +mansion! Beneath a massive porch, supported by heavy stone pillars, +stood the stout figure of Andreas Behr, the host. A white napkin, +fastened in one button-hole, and hanging gracefully down beside him--a +soup-ladle held sceptre-wise in his right hand, and the grinding motion +of his nether jaw, all showed that he had risen from his table d'hote to +welcome the new arrival; and certainly, if noise and uproar might explain +the phenomenon, the clatter of my equipage over the pavement might have +risen the dead. + +While my postillion was endeavouring, by mighty efforts, with a heavy +stone, to turn the handle of the door, and thus liberate me from my cage, +I perceived that the host came forward and said something to him--on +replying, to which, he ceased his endeavours to open the door, and looked +vacantly about him. Upon this I threw down the sash, and called out-- + +"I say, is not this the Croix Blanche?" + +"Ya," said the man-mountain with the napkin. + +"Well, then, open the door, pray--I'm going to stop here." + +"Nein." + +"No! What do you mean by that? Has not Lord Callonby engaged rooms +here?" + +"Ya." + +"Well, then, I am a particular friend of his, and will stay here also." + +"Nein." + +"What the devil are you at, with your ya and nein?" said I. "Has your +confounded tongue nothing better than a monosyllable to reply with." + +Whether disliking the tone the controversy was assuming, or remembering +that his dinner waited, I know not, but at these words my fat friend +turned leisurely round, and waddled back into the house; where, in a +moment after, I had the pleasure of beholding him at the head of a long +table, distributing viands with a very different degree of activity from +what he displayed in dialogue. + +With one vigorous jerk, I dashed open the door, upsetting, at the same +time, the poor postillion, who had recommenced his operations on the +lock, and, foaming with passion, strode into the "salle a manger." +Nothing is such an immediate damper to any sudden explosion of temper, as +the placid and unconcerned faces of a number of people, who, ignorant of +yourself and your peculiar miseries at the moment, seem only to regard +you as a madman. This I felt strongly, as, flushed in face and tingling +in my fingers, I entered the room. + +"Take my luggage," said I to a gaping waiter, "and place a chair there, +do you hear?" + +There seemed, I suppose, something in my looks that did not admit of much +parley, for the man made room for me at once at the table, and left the +room, as if to discharge the other part of my injunction, without saying +a word. As I arranged my napkin before me, I was collecting my energies +and my German, as well as I was able, for the attack of the host, which, +I anticipated from his recent conduct, must now ensue; but, greatly to my +surprise, he sent me my soup without a word, and the dinner went on +without any interruption. When the desert had made its appearance, I +beckoned the waiter towards me, and asked what the landlord meant by his +singular reception of me. The man shrugged his shoulders, and raised his +eyebrows, without speaking, as if to imply, "it's his way." + +"Well, then, no matter," said I. "Have you sent my luggage up stairs?" + +"No, sir, there is no room--the house is full." + +"The house full! Confound it--this is too provoking. I have most urgent +reasons for wishing to stay here. Cannot you make some arrangement--see +about it, waiter." I here slipped a Napoleon into the fellow's hand, and +hinted that as much more awaited the finale of the negociation. + +In about a minute after, I perceived him behind the host's chair, +pleading my cause with considerable energy; but to my complete chagrin, +I heard the other answer all his eloquence by a loud "Nein," that he +grunted out in such a manner as closed the conference. + +"I cannot succeed, sir," said the man, as he passed behind me, "but don't +leave the house till I speak with you again." + +What confounded mystery is there in all this, thought I. Is there any +thing so suspicious in my look or appearance, that the old bear in the +fur cap will not even admit me. What can it all mean. One thing I'm +resolved upon--nothing less than force shall remove me. + +So saying I lit my cigar, and in order to give the waiter an opportunity +of conferring with me unobserved by his master, walked out into the porch +and sat down. + +In a few minutes he joined me, and after a stealthy look on each side, +said-- + +"The Herr Andreas is a hard man to deal with, and when he says a thing, +never goes back of it. Now he has been expecting the new English Charge +d'Affaires here these last ten days, and has kept the hotel half empty in +consequence; and as mi Lor Callonby has engaged the other half, why we +have nothing to do; so that when he asked the postillion if you were mi +Lor, and found that you were not, he determined not to admit you." + +"But why not have the civility to explain that?" + +"He seldom speaks, and when he does only a word or two at a time. He is +quite tired with what he has gone through to-day, and will retire very +early to bed; and for this reason I have requested you to remain, for as +he never ventures up stairs, I will then manage to give you one of the +ambassador's rooms, which, even if he come, he'll never miss. So that if +you keep quiet, and do not attract any particular attention towards you, +all will go well." + +This advice seemed so reasonable, that I determined to follow it--any +inconvenience being preferable, provided I could be under the same roof +with my beloved Jane; and from the waiter's account, there seemed no +doubt whatever of their arrival that evening. In order, therefore, to +follow his injunctions to the letter, I strolled out toward the Place in +search of the tailor, and also to deliver a letter from Waller to the +chamberlain, to provide me with a card for the ball. Monsieur Schnetz, +who was the very pinnacle of politeness, was nevertheless, in fact, +nearly as untractable as my host of the "Cross." All his "sujets" were +engaged in preparing a suit for the English Charge d'Affaires, whose +trunks had been sent in a wrong direction, and who had despatched a +courier from Frankfort, to order a uniform. This second thwarting, and +from the same source, so nettled me, that I greatly fear, all my respect +for the foreign office and those who live thereby, would not have saved +them from something most unlike a blessing, had not Monsieur Schnetz +saved diplomacy from such desecration by saying, that if I could content +myself with a plain suit, such as civilians wore, he would do his +endeavour to accommodate me. + +"Any thing, Monsieur Schnetz--dress me like the Pope's Nuncio, or the +Mayor of London, if you like, but only enable me to go." + +Although my reply did not seem to convey a very exalted idea of my taste +in costume to the worthy artiste, it at least evinced my anxiety for the +ball; and running his measure over me, he assured me that the dress he +would provide was both well looking and becoming; adding, "At nine +o'clock, sir, you'll have it--exactly the same size as his Excellency the +Charge d'Affaires." + +"Confound the Charge d'Affaires!" I added, and left the house. + + + + +CHAPTER LII. + +INN AT MUNICH. + +As I had never been in Munich before, I strolled about the town till +dusk. At that time the taste of the present king had not enriched the +capital with the innumerable objects of art which render it now second to +none in Europe. There were, indeed, then but few attractions--narrow +streets, tall, unarchitectural-looking houses, and gloomy, unimpressive +churches. Tired of this, I turned towards my inn, wondering in my mind +if Antoine had succeeded in procuring me the room, or whether yet I +should be obliged to seek my lodging elsewhere. Scarcely had I entered +the porch, when I found him waiting my arrival, candle in hand. He +conducted me at once up the wide oaken stair, then along the gallery, +into a large wainscotted room, with a most capacious bed. A cheerful +wood fire burned and crackled away in the grate--the cloth was already +spread for supper--(remember it was in Germany)--the newspapers of the +day were placed before me--and, in a word, every attention showed that I +had found the true avenue to Antoine's good graces, who now stood bowing +before me, in apparent ecstasy at his own cleverness. + +"All very well done, Antoine, and now for supper--order it yourself for +me--I never can find my way in a German 'carte de diner;' and be sure to +have a fiacre here at nine--nine precisely." + +Antoine withdrew, leaving me to my own reflections, which now, if not +gloomy, were still of the most anxious kind. + +Scarcely was the supper placed upon the table, when a tremendous tramping +of horses along the street, and loud cracking of whips, announced a new +arrival. + +"Here they are," said I, as, springing up, I upset the soup, and nearly +threw the roti into Antoine's face, as he was putting it before me. + +Down stairs I rushed, through the hall, pushing aside waiters and +overturning chambermaids in my course. The carriage was already at the +door. Now for a surprise, thought I, as I worked through the crowd in +the porch, and reached the door just as the steps were clattered down, +and a gentleman began to descend, whom twenty expectant voices, now +informed of his identity, welcomed as the new Charge d'Affaires. + +"May all the--" + +What I wished for his excellency it would not be polite to repeat, nor +most discreet even to remember; but, certes, I mounted the stairs with as +little good will towards the envoy extraordinary as was consistent with +due loyalty. + +When once more in my room, I congratulated myself that now at least no +more "false starts" could occur--"the eternal Charge d'Affaires, of whom +I have been hearing since my arrival, cannot come twice--he is here now, +and I hope I'm done with him." + +The supper--some greasiness apart--was good--the wine excellent. My +spirits were gradually rising, and I paced my room in that mingled state +of hope and fear, that amid all its anxieties, has such moments of +ecstasy. A new noise without--some rabble in the street; hark, it comes +nearer--I hear the sound of wheels; yes, there go the horses--nearer and +nearer. Ah, it is dying away again--stay--yes, yes--here it is--here +they are. The noise and tumult without now increased every instant--the +heavy trot of six or eight horses shook the very street, and I heard the +round, dull, rumbling sound of a heavy carriage, as it drew up at last at +the door of the inn. Why it was I know not, but this time I could not +stir--my heart beat almost loud enough for me to hear--my temples +throbbed, and then a cold and clammy perspiration came over me, and I +sank into a chair. Fearing that I was about to faint, sick as I was, I +felt angry with myself, and tried to rally, but could not, and only at +length was roused by hearing that the steps were let down, and shortly +after the tread of feet coming along the gallery towards my room. + +They are coming--she is coming, thought I. Now then for my doom! + +There was some noise of voices outside. I listened, for I still felt +unable to rise. The talking grew louder--doors were opened and shut +--then came a lull--then more slamming of doors, and more talking--then +all was still again--and at last I heard the steps of people as if +retiring, and in a few minutes after the carriage door was jammed to, and +again the heavy tramp of the horses rattled over the pave. At this +instant Antoine entered. + +"Well, Antoine," said I, in a voice trembling with weakness and +agitation, "not them yet?" + +"It was his Grace the Grand Mareschal," said Antoine, scarcely heeding my +question, in the importance of the illustrious visitor who had arrived. + +"Ah, the Grand Mareschal," said I, carelessly; "does he live here?" + +"Sappermint nein, Mein Herr; but he has just been to pay his respects to +his Excellency the new Charge d'Affaires." + +In the name of all patience, I ask, who could endure this? From the hour +of my arrival I am haunted by this one image--the Charge d'Affaires. For +him I have been almost condemned to go houseless, and naked; and now the +very most sacred feelings of my heart are subject to his influence. I +walked up and down in an agony. Another such disappointment, and my +brain will turn, thought I, and they may write my epitaph--"Died of love +and a Charge d'Affaires." + +"It is time to dress," said the waiter. + +"I could strangle him with my own hands," muttered I, worked up into a +real heat by the excitement of my passion. + +"The Charge--" + +"Say that name again, villain, and I'll blow your brains out," cried I, +seizing Antoine by the throat, and pinning him against the wall; "only +dare to mutter it, and you'll ever breathe another syllable." + +The poor fellow grew green with terror, and fell upon his knees before +me. + +"Get my dressing things ready," said I, in a more subdued tone. "I did +not mean to terrify you--but beware of what I told you." + +While Antoine occupied himself with the preparations for my toilette, I +sat broodingly over the wood embers, thinking of my fate. + +A knock came to the door. It was the tailor's servant with my clothes. +He laid down the parcel and retired, while Antoine proceeded to open it, +and exhibit before me a blue uniform with embroidered collar and cuffs +--the whole, without being gaudy, being sufficiently handsome, and quite +as showy as I could wish. + +The poor waiter expressed his unqualified approval of the costume, and +talked away about the approaching ball as something pre-eminently +magnificent. + +"You had better look after the fiacre, Antoine," said I; "it is past +nine." + +He walked towards the door, opened it, and then, turning round, said, in +a kind of low, confidential whisper, pointing, with the thumb of his left +hand, towards the wall of the room as he spoke-- + +"He won't go--very strange that." + +"Who do you mean?" said I, quite unconscious of the allusion. + +"The Charge d'Aff--" + +I made one spring at him, but he slammed the door to, and before I could +reach the lobby, I heard him rolling from top to bottom of the oak +staircase, making noise enough in his fall to account for the fracture of +every bone in his body. + + + + +CHAPTER LIII. + +THE BALL. + +As I was informed that the King would himself be present at the ball, I +knew that German etiquette required that the company should arrive before +his Majesty; and although now every minute I expected the arrival of the +Callonbys, I dared not defer my departure any longer. + +"They are certain to be at the ball," said Waller, and that sentence +never left my mind. + +So saying, I jumped into the fiacre, and in a few minutes found myself in +the long line of carriages that led to the "Hof saal." Any one who has +been in Munich will testify for me, that the ball room is one of the most +beautiful in Europe, and to me who for some time had not been living much +in the world, its splendour was positively dazzling. The glare of the +chandeliers--the clang of the music--the magnificence of the dresses--the +beauty of the Bavarian women too, all surprized and amazed me. There +were several hundred people present, but the king not having yet arrived, +dancing had not commenced. Feeling as I then did, it was rather a relief +to me than otherwise, that I knew no one. There was quite amusement +enough in walking through the saloons, observing the strange costumes, +and remarking the various groups as they congregated around the trays of +ices and the champagne glacee. The buzz of talking and the sounds of +laughter and merriment prevailed over even the orchestra; and, as the gay +crowds paraded the rooms, all seemed pleasure and excitement. Suddenly a +tremendous noise was heard without--then came a loud roll of the drums, +which lasted for several seconds, and the clank of musketry--then a +cheer;--it is the king. + +The king! resounded on all sides; and in another moment the large +folding-doors at the end of the saal were thrown open, and the music +struck up the national anthem of Bavaria. + +His majesty entered, accompanied by the queen, his brother, two or three +archduchesses, and a long suite of officers. + +I could not help remarking upon the singular good taste with which the +assembly--all anxious and eager to catch a glimpse of his majesty +--behaved on this occasion. There was no pressing forward to the +"estrade" where he stood,--no vulgar curiosity evinced by any one, but +the group continued, as before, to gather and scatter. The only +difference being, that the velvet chair and cushion, which had attracted +some observers before, were, now that they were tenanted by royalty, +passed with a deep and respectful salutation. How proper this, thought +I, and what an inducement for a monarch to come among his people, who +remember to receive him with such true politeness. While these thoughts +were passing through my mind, as I was leaning against a pillar that +supported the gallery of the orchestra, a gentleman whose dress, covered +with gold and embroidery, bespoke him as belonging to the court, eyed me +aside with his lorgnette and then passed rapidly on. A quadrille was now +forming near me, and I was watching, with some interest, the proceeding, +when the same figure that I remarked before, approached me, bowing deeply +at every step, and shaking a very halo of powder from his hair at each +reverence. + +"May I take the liberty of introducing myself to you?" said he.--"Le +Comte Benningsen." Here he bowed again, and I returned the obeisance +still deeper. "Regretted much that I was not fortunate enough to make +your acquaintance this evening, when I called upon you." + +"Never heard of that," said I to myself. + +"Your excellency arrived this evening?" + +"Yes," said I, "only a few hours since." + +"How fond these Germans are of titles," thought I. Remembering that in +Vienna every one is "his grace," I thought it might be Bavarian +politeness to call every one his excellency. + +"You have not been presented, I believe?" + +"No," said I; "but I hope to take an early opportunity of paying 'mes +homages' to his majesty." + +"I have just received his orders to present you now," replied he, with +another bow. + +"The devil, you have," thought I. "How very civil that." And, although +I had heard innumerable anecdotes of the free-and-easy habits of the +Bavarian court, this certainly surprized me, so that I actually, to +prevent a blunder, said, "Am I to understand you, Monsieur le Comte, that +his majesty was graciously pleased"-- + +"If you will follow me," replied the courtier, motioning with his chapeau; +and in another moment I was elbowing my way through the mob of marquisses +and duchesses, on my way to the raised platform where the king was +standing. + +"Heaven grant I have not misunderstood all he has been saying," was my +last thought as the crowd of courtiers fell back on either side, and I +found myself bowing before his majesty. How the grand mareschal entitled +me I heard not; but when the king addressed me immediately in English, +saying, + +"I hope your excellency has had a good journey?" + +I felt, "Come, there is no mistake here, Harry; and it is only another +freak of fortune, who is now in good humour with you." + +The king, who was a fine, tall, well-built man, with a large, bushy +moustache, possessed, though not handsome, a most pleasing expression; +his utterance was very rapid, and his English none of the best, so that +it was with the greatest difficulty I contrived to follow his questions, +which came thick as hail upon me. After some commonplaces about the +roads, the weather, and the season, his majesty said, + +"My Lord Callonby has been residing some time here. You know him?" And +then, not waiting for a reply, added, "Pleasant person--well informed +--like him much, and his daughters, too, how handsome they are." Here I +blushed, and felt most awkwardly, while the king continued. + +"Hope they will remain some time--quite an ornament to our court. +Monsieur le Comte, his excellency will dance?" I here muttered an +apology about my sprained ankle, and the king turned to converse with +some of the ladies of the court. His majesty's notice brought several +persons now around me, who introduced themselves; and, in a quarter of an +hour, I felt myself surrounded by acquaintances, each vieing with the +other in showing me attention. + +Worse places than Munich, Master Harry, thought I, as I chaperoned a fat +duchess, with fourteen quarterings, towards the refreshment-room, and had +just accepted invitations enough to occupy me three weeks in advance. + +"I have been looking every where for your excellency," said the grand +mareschal, bustling his way to me, breathless and panting. "His majesty +desires you will make one of his party at whist, so pray come at once." + +"Figaro qua, Figaro la," muttered I. "Never was man in such request. +God grant the whole royal family of Bavaria be not mad, for this looks +very like it. Lady Jane had better look sharp, for I have only to throw +my eyes on an archduchess, to be king of the Tyrol some fine morning." + +"You play whist, of course; every Englishman does," said the king. "You +shall be my partner." + +Our adversaries were the Prince Maximilian, brother to his Majesty and +the Prussian Ambassador. As I sat down at the table, I could not help +saying in my heart, "now is your time, Harry, if my Lord Callonby should +see you, your fortune is made." Waller passed at this moment, and as he +saluted the king, I saw him actually start with amazement as he beheld +me--"better fun this than figuring in the yellow plush, Master Jack," I +muttered as he passed on actually thunder-struck with amazement. But the +game was begun, and I was obliged to be attentive. We won the first +game, and the king was in immense good humour as he took some franc +pieces from the Prussian minister, who, small as the stake was, seemed +not to relish losing. His majesty now complimented me upon my play, and +was about to add something when he perceived some one in the crowd, and +sent an Aide de camp for him. + +"Ah, my Lord, we expected you earlier," and then said some words in too +low a tone for me to hear, motioning towards me as he spoke. If Waller +was surprised at seeing me where I was, it was nothing to the effect +produced upon the present party, whom I now recognized as Lord Callonby. +Respect for the presence we were in, restrained any expression on either +side, and a more ludicrous tableau than we presented can scarcely be +conceived. What I would have given that the whist party was over, I need +not say, and certainly his majesty's eulogy upon my play came too soon, +for I was now so "destrait and unhinged," my eyes wandering from the +table to see if Lady Jane was near, that I lost every trick, and finished +by revoking. The king rose half pettishly, observing that "Son +Excellence a apparement perdu la tete," and I rushed forward to shake +hands with Lord Callonby, totally forgetting the royal censure in my +delight at discovering my friend. + +"Lorrequer, I am indeed rejoiced to see you, and when did you arrive." + +"This evening." + +"This evening! and how the deuce have you contrived already, eh? why you +seem quite chez vous here?" + +"You shall hear all," said I hastily, "but is Lady Callonby here?" + +"No. Kilkee only is with me, there he is figuranting away in a gallope. +The ladies were too tired to come, particularly as they dine at court +to-morrow, the fatigue would be rather much." + +"I have his majesty's order to invite your Excellency to dinner +to-morrow," said the grand Mareschal coming up at this instant. + +I bowed my acknowledgments, and turned again to Lord Callonby, whose +surprise now seemed to have reached the climax. + +"Why Lorrequer, I never heard of this? when did you adopt this new +career?" + +Not understanding the gist of the question, and conceiving that it +applied to my success at court, I answered at random, something about +"falling upon my legs, good luck, &c.," and once more returned to the +charge, enquiring most anxiously for Lady Callonby's health. + +"Ah! she is tolerably well. Jane is the only invalid, but then we hope +Italy will restore her." Just at this instant, Kilkee caught my eye, and +rushing over from his place beside his partner, shook me by both hands, +saying, + +"Delighted to see you here Lorrequer, but as I can't stay now, promise to +sup with me to-night at the 'Cross'." + +I accepted of course, and the next instant, he was whirling along in his +waltze, with one of the most lovely German girls I ever saw. Lord +Callonby saw my admiration of her, and as it were replying to my gaze, +remarked, + +"Yes, very handsome indeed, but really Kilkee is going too far with it. +I rely upon you very much to reason him out of his folly, and we have all +agreed that you have most influence over him, and are most likely to be +listened to patiently." + +Here was a new character assigned me, the confidential friend and adviser +of the family, trusted with a most delicate and important secret, likely +to bring me into most intimate terms of intercourse with them all, for +the "we" of Lord Callonby bespoke a family consultation, in which I was +deputed as the negociator. I at once promised my assistance, saying, at +the same time, that if Kilkee really was strongly attached, and had also +reason to suppose that the Lady liked him, it was not exactly fair; that +in short, if the matter had gone beyond flirtation, any interference of +mine would be imprudent, if not impertinent. Lord Callonby smiled +slightly as he replied, + +"Quite right, Lorrequer, I am just as much against constraint as +yourself, if only no great barriers exist; but here with a difference of +religion, country, language, habits, in fact, everything that can create +disparity, the thing is not to be thought of." + +I suspected that his Lordship read in my partial defence of Kilkee, a +slight attempt to prop up my own case, and felt confused and embarrassed +beyond measure at the detection. + +"Well, we shall have time enough for all this. Now let us hear something +of my old friend Sir Guy. How is he looking?" + +"I am unfortunately unable to give you any account of him. I left Paris +the very day before he was expected to arrive there." + +"Oh then, I have all the news myself in that case, for in his letter +which I received yesterday, he mentions that we are not to expect him +before Tuesday." + +"Expect him. Is he coming here then?" + +"Yes. Why, I thought you were aware of that, he has been long promising +to pay us a visit, and at last, by great persuasion, we have succeeded in +getting him across the sea, and, indeed, were it not that he was coming, +we should have been in Florence before this." + +A gleam of hope shot through my heart as I said to myself, what can this +visit mean? and the moment after I felt sick, almost to fainting, as I +asked if "my cousin Guy were also expected." + +"Oh yes. We shall want him I should think" said Lord Callonby with a +very peculiar smile. + +I thought I should have fallen at these few words. Come, Harry, thought +I, it is better to learn your fate at once. Now or never; death itself +were preferable to this continued suspense. If the blow is to fall, it +can scarcely sink me lower than I now feel: so reasoning, I laid my hand +upon Lord Callonby's arm, and with a face pale as death, and a voice all +but inarticulate, said, + +"My Lord, you will pardon, I am sure--" + +"My dear Lorrequer," said his lordship interrupting me, "for heaven's +sake sit down. How ill you are looking, we must nurse you, my poor +fellow." + +I sank upon a bench--the light danced before my eyes--the clang of the +music sounded like the roar of a waterfall, and I felt a cold +perspiration burst over my face and forehead; at the same instant, I +recognized Kilkee's voice, and without well knowing why, or how, +discovered myself in the open air. + +"Come, you are better now," said Kilkee, "and will be quite well when you +get some supper, and a little of the tokay, his majesty has been good +enough to send us." + +"His majesty desires to know if his excellency is better," said an aide +de camp. + +I muttered my most grateful acknowledgments. + +"One of the court carriages is in waiting for your excellency," said a +venerable old gentleman in a tie wig, whom I recognized as the minister +for foreign affairs--as he added in a lower tone to Lord Callonby, "I +fear he has been greatly overworked lately--his exertions on the subject +of the Greek loan are well known to his majesty." + +"Indeed," said Lord Callonby, with a start of surprise, "I never heard of +that before." + +If it had not been for that start of amazement, I should have died of +terror. It was the only thing that showed me I was not out of my senses, +which I now concluded the old gentleman must be, for I never had heard of +the Greek loan in my life before. + +"Farewell, mon cher colleague," said the venerable minister as I got into +the carriage, wondering as well I might what singular band of brotherhood +united one of his majesty's __th with the minister for foreign affairs of +the Court of Bavaria. + +When I arrived at the White-cross, I found my nerves, usually proof to +any thing, so shaken and shattered, that fearing with the difficult game +before me any mistake, however trivial, might mar all my fortunes for +ever, I said a good night to my friends, and went to bed. + + + + +CHAPTER LIV. + +A DISCOVERY. + +"A note for Monsieur," said the waiter, awaking me at the same time from +the soundest sleep and most delightful dream. The billet was thus:-- + +"If your excellency does not intend to slumber during the next +twenty-four hours, it might be as well to remember that we are waiting +breakfast. Ever yours, + +"Kilkee." + +"It is true, then," said I--following up the delusion of my dream. "It +is true, I am really domesticated once more with the Callonbys. My suit +is prospering, and at length the long-sought, long-hoped for moment is +come--" + +"Well, Harry," said Kilkee, as he dashed open the door. "Well, Harry, +how are you, better than last night, I hope?" + +"Oh yes, considerably. In fact, I can't think what could have been the +matter with me; but I felt confoundedly uncomfortable." + +"You did! Why, man, what can you mean; was it not a joke?" + +"A joke," said I, with a start. + +"Yes, to be sure. I thought it was only the sequel of the other humbug." + +"The sequel of the other humbug!" Gracious mercy! thought I, getting +pale with horror, is it thus he ventures to designate my attachment to +his sister? + +"Come, come, it's all over now. What the devil could have persuaded you +to push the thing so far?" + +"Really, I am so completely in the dark as to your meaning that I only +get deeper in mystery by my chance replies. What do you mean?" + +"What do I mean! Why, the affair of last night of course. All Munich is +full of it, and most fortunately for you, the king has taken it all in +the most good-humoured way, and laughs more than any one else about it." + +Oh, then, thought I, I must have done or said something last night during +my illness, that I can't remember now. "Come, Kilkee, out with it. What +happened last night, that has served to amuse the good people of Munich? +for as I am a true man, I forget all you are alluding to." + +"And don't remember the Greek Loan--eh?" + +"The Greek Loan!" + +"And your Excellency's marked reception by his Majesty? By Jove though, +it was the rarest piece of impudence I ever heard of; hoaxing a crowned +head, quizzing one of the Lord's anointed is un peu trop fort." + +"If you really do not wish to render me insane at once, for the love of +mercy say, in plain terms, what all this means." + +"Come, come, I see you are incorrigible; but as breakfast is waiting all +this time, we shall have your explanations below stairs." + +Before I had time for another question Kilkee passed his arm within mine, +and led me along the corridor, pouring out, the entire time a whole +rhapsody about the practical joke of my late illness, which he was +pleased to say would ring from one end of Europe to the other. + +Lord Callonby was alone in the breakfast-room when we entered, and the +moment he perceived me called out, + +"Eh, Lorrequer, you here still? Why, man, I thought you'd have been over +the frontier early this morning?" + +"Indeed, my lord, I am not exactly aware of any urgent reason for so +rapid a flight." + +"You are not! The devil, you are not. Why, you must surely have known +his majesty to be the best tempered man in his dominions then, or you +would never have played off such a ruse, though I must say, there never +was anything better done. Old Heldersteen, the minister for foreign +affairs, is nearly deranged this morning about it--it seems that he was +the first that fell into the trap; but seriously speaking, I think it +would be better if you got away from this; the king, it is true, has +behaved with the best possible good feeling; but--" + +"My lord, I have a favour to ask, perhaps, indeed in all likelihood the +last I shall ever ask of your lordship, it is this--what are you alluding +to all this while, and for what especial reason do you suggest my +immediate departure from Munich?" + +"Bless my heart and soul--you surely cannot mean to carry the thing on +any further--you never can intend to assume your ministerial functions by +daylight?" + +"My what!--my ministerial functions." + +"Oh no, that were too much--even though his majesty did say--that you +were the most agreeable diplomate he had met for a long time." + +"I, a diplomate." + +"You, certainly. Surely you cannot be acting now; why, gracious mercy, +Lorrequer! can it be possible that you were not doing it by design, do +you really not know in what character you appeared last night?" + +"If in any other than that of Harry Lorrequer, my lord, I pledge my +honour, I am ignorant." + +"Nor the uniform you wore, don't you know what it meant?" + +"The tailor sent it to my room." + +"Why, man, by Jove, this will kill me," said Lord Callonby, bursting into +a fit of laughter, in which Kilkee, a hitherto silent spectator of our +colloquy, joined to such an extent, that I thought he should burst a +bloodvessel. "Why man, you went as the Charge d'Affaires." + +"I, the Charge d'Affaires!" + +"That you did, and a most successful debut you made of it." + +While shame and confusion covered me from head to foot at the absurd and +ludicrous blunder I had been guilty of, the sense of the ridiculous was +so strong in me, that I fell upon a sofa and laughed on with the others +for full ten minutes. + +"Your Excellency is, I am rejoiced to find, in good spirits," said Lady +Callonby, entering and presenting her hand. + +"He is so glad to have finished the Greek Loan," said Lady Catherine, +smiling with a half malicious twinkle of the eye. Just at this instant +another door opened, and Lady Jane appeared. Luckily for me, the +increased mirth of the party, as Lord Callonby informed them of my +blunder, prevented their paying any attention to me, for as I half sprung +forward toward her, my agitation would have revealed to any observer, the +whole state of my feelings. I took her hand which she extended to me, +without speaking, and bowing deeply over it, raised my head and looked +into her eyes, as if to read at one glance, my fate, and when I let fall +her hand, I would not have exchanged my fortune for a kingdom. + +"You have heard, Jane, how our friend opened his campaign in Munich last +night." + +"Oh, I hope, Mr. Lorrequer, they are only quizzing. You surely could +not--" + +"Could not. What he could not--what he would not do, is beyond my +calculation to make out," said Kilkee, laughing, "anything in life, from +breaking an axletree to hoaxing a king;" I turned, as may be imagined, a +deaf ear to this allusion, which really frightened me, not knowing how +far Kilkee's information might lead, nor how he might feel disposed to +use it. Lady Jane turned a half reproachful glance at me, as if rebuking +my folly; but in the interest she thus took in me, I should not have +bartered it for the smile of the proudest queen in Christendom. + +Breakfast over, Lord Callonby undertook to explain to the Court the +blunder, by which I had unwittingly been betrayed into personating the +newly arrived minister, and as the mistake was more of their causing than +my own, my excuses were accepted, and when his lordship returned to the +hotel, he brought with him an invitation for me to dine at Court in my +own unaccredited character. By this time I had been carrying on the +siege as briskly as circumstances permitted; Lady Callonby being deeply +interested in her newly arrived purchases, and Lady Catherine being +good-natured enough to pretend to be so also, left me, at intervals, +many opportunities of speaking to Lady Jane. + +As I feared that such occasions would not often present themselves, I +determined on making the best use of my time, and at once led the +conversation towards the goal I aimed at, by asking, "if Lady Jane had +completely forgotten the wild cliffs and rocky coast of Clare, amid the +tall mountains and glaciered peaks of the Tyrol?" + +"Far from it," she replied. "I have a most clear remembrance of bold +Mogher and the rolling swell of the blue Atlantic, and long to feel its +spray once more upon my cheek; but then, I knew it in childhood--your +acquaintance with it was of a later date, and connected with fewer happy +associations." + +"Fewer happy associations--how can you say so? Was it not there the +brightest hours of my whole life were passed, was it not there I first +met--" + +"Kilkee tells me," said Lady Jane, interrupting me shortly, "that Miss +Bingham is extremely pretty." + +This was turning my flank with a vengeance; so I muttered something about +differences of tastes, &c. and continued, "I understand my worthy cousin +Guy, had the good fortune to make your acquaintance in Paris." + +It was now her turn to blush, which she did deeply, and said nothing. + +"He is expected, I believe, in a few days at Munich," said I, fixing my +eyes upon her, and endeavouring to read her thoughts; she blushed more +deeply, and the blood at my own heart ran cold, as I thought over all I +had heard, and I muttered to myself "she loves him." + +"Mr. Lorrequer, the carriage is waiting, and as we are going to the +Gallery this morning, and have much to see, pray let us have your +escort." + +"Oh, I am sure," said Catherine, "his assistance will be considerable +--particularly if his knowledge of art only equals his tact in botany. +Don't you think so, Jane?"--But Jane was gone. + +They left the room to dress, and I was alone--alone with my anxious, now +half despairing thoughts, crowding and rushing upon my beating brain. +She loves him, and I have only come to witness her becoming the wife of +another. I see it all, too plainly;--my Uncle's arrival--Lord Callonby's +familiar manner--Jane's own confession. All--all convince me, that my +fate is decided. Now, then, for one last brief explanation, and I leave +Munich, never to see her more. Just as I had so spoken, she entered. +Her gloves had been forgotten in the room, and she came in not knowing +that I was there. What would I not have given at that moment, for the +ready witted assurance, the easy self-possession, with which I should +have made my advances had my heart not been as deeply engaged as I now +felt it. Alas! My courage was gone; there was too much at stake, and +I preferred, now, that the time was come, any suspense, any vacillation, +to the dreadful certainty of refusal. + +These were my first thoughts, as she entered; how they were followed, I +cannot say. The same evident confusion of my brain, which I once felt +when mounting the breach in a storm-party, now completely beset me; and +as then, when death and destruction raged on every side, I held on my way +regardless of every obstacle, and forgetting all save the goal before me; +so did I now, in the intensity of my excitement, disregard every thing, +save the story of my love, which I poured forth with that fervour which +truth only can give. But she spoke not,--her averted head,--her cold and +tremulous hand, and half-drawn sigh were all that replied to me, as I +waited for that one word upon which hung all my fortune. At length her +hand, which I scarcely held within my own, was gently withdrawn. She +lifted it to her eyes, but still was silent. + +"Enough," said I, "I seek not to pain you more. The daring ambition that +prompted me to love you, has met its heaviest retribution. Farewell, +--You, Lady Jane, have nothing to reproach yourself with--You never +encouraged, you never deceived me. I, and I alone have been to blame, +and mine must be the suffering. Adieu, then once more, and now for +ever." + +She turned slowly round, and as the handkerchief fell from her hand,--her +features were pale as marble,--I saw that she was endeavouring to speak, +but could not; and at length, as the colour came slowly back to her +cheek, her lips moved, and just as I leaned forward, with a beating heart +to hear, her sister came running forward, and suddenly checked herself in +her career, as she said, laughingly,-- + +"Mille pardons, Jane, but his Excellency must take another occasion to +explain the quadruple alliance, for mamma has been waiting in the +carriage these ten minutes." + +I followed them to the door, placed them in the carriage, and was turning +again towards the house, when Lady Callonby said-- + +"Oh, Mr. Lorrequer, we count upon you--you must not desert us." + +I muttered something about not feeling well. + +"And then, perhaps, the Greek loan is engaging your attention," said +Catherine; "or, mayhap, some reciprocity treaty is not prospering." + +The malice of this last sally told, for Jane blushed deeply, and I felt +overwhelmed with confusion. + +"But pray come--the drive will do you good." + +"Your ladyship will, I am certain, excuse"-- + +Just as I had got so far, I caught Lady Jane's eye, for the first time +since we had left the drawing-room. What I read there, I could not, for +the life of me, say; but, instead of finishing my sentence, I got into +the carriage, and drove off, very much to the surprise of Lady Callonby, +who, never having studied magnetism, knew very little the cause of my +sudden recovery. + +The thrill of hope that shot through my heart succeeding so rapidly the +dark gloom of my despairing thoughts, buoyed me up, and while I whispered +to myself, "all may not yet be lost," I summoned my best energies to my +aid. Luckily for me, I was better qualified to act as cicerone in a +gallery than as a guide in a green-house; and with the confidence that +knowledge of a subject ever inspires, I rattled away about art and +artists, greatly to the edification of Lady Callonby--much to the +surprise of Lady Catherine--and, better than all, evidently to the +satisfaction of her, to win whose praise I would gladly have risked my +life. + +"There," said I, as I placed my fair friend before a delicious little +madonna of Carl Dolci--"there is, perhaps, the triumph of colouring--for +the downy softness of that cheek--the luscious depth of that blue eye +--the waving richness of those sunny locks, all is perfect--fortunately so +beautiful a head is not a monopoly, for he painted many copies of this +picture." + +"Quite true," said a voice behind, "and mine at Elton is, I think, if +anything, better than this." + +I turned, and beheld my good old uncle, Sir Guy, who was standing beside +Lady Callonby. While I welcomed my worthy relative, I could not help +casting a glance around to see if Guy were also there, and not perceiving +him, my heart beat freely again. + +My uncle, it appeared, had just arrived, and lost no time in joining us +at the gallery. His manner to me was cordial to a degree; and I +perceived that, immediately upon being introduced to Lady Jane, he took +considerable pains to observe her, and paid her the most marked +attention. + +The first moment I could steal unnoticed, I took the opportunity of +asking if Guy were come. That one fact were to me all, and upon the +answer to my question, I hung with deep anxiety. + +"Guy here!--no, not yet. The fact is, Harry, my boy, Guy has not got on +here as well as I could have wished. Everything had been arranged among +us--Callonby behaved most handsomely--and, as far as regarded myself, I +threw no impediment in the way. But still, I don't know how it was, but +Guy did not advance, and the matter now"-- + +"Pray, how does it stand? Have you any hopes to put all to rights +again?" + +"Yes, Harry, I think, with your assistance, much may be done." + +"Oh, count upon me by all means," said I, with a sneering bitterness, +that my uncle could not have escaped remarking, had his attention not +been drawn off by Lady Callonby. + +What have I done--what sin did I meditate before I was born, that I +should come into the world branded with failure in all I attempt? Is it +not enough that my cousin, my elder by some months, should be rich while +I am poor--honoured and titled, while I am unknown and unnoticed?--but is +he also to be preferred to me in every station in life? Is there no +feeling of the heart so sacred that it must not succumb to primogeniture? + +"What a dear old man Sir Guy is," said Catherine, interrupting my sad +reflections, "and how gallant; he is absolutely flirting with Lady Jane." + +And quite true it was. The old gentleman was paying his devoirs with a +studied anxiety to please, that went to my very heart as I witnessed it. +The remainder of that day to me was a painful and suffering one. My +intention of suddenly leaving Munich had been abandoned, why, I knew not. +I felt that I was hoping against hope, and that my stay was only to +confirm, by the most "damning proof," how surely I was fated to +disappointment. My reasonings all ended in one point. If she really +love Guy, then my present attentions can only be a source of unhappiness +to her; if she do not, is there any prospect that from the bare fact of +my attachment, so proud a family as the Callonbys will suffer their +daughter to make a mere "marriage d'inclination?" + +There was but one answer to this question, and I had at last the courage +to make it: and yet the Callonbys had marked me out for their attentions, +and had gone unusually out of their way to inflict injury upon me, if all +were meant to end in nothing. If I only could bring myself to think that +this was a systematic game adopted by them, to lead to the subsequent +arrangement with my cousin!--if I could but satisfy my doubts on this +head----What threats of vengeance I muttered, I cannot remember, for I +was summoned at that critical moment to attend the party to the palace. + +The state of excitement I was in, was an ill preparative for the rigid +etiquette of a court dinner. All passed off, however, happily, and the +king, by a most good-natured allusion to the blunder of the night before, +set me perfectly at ease on that head. + +I was placed next to Lady Jane at dinner; and half from wounded pride, +half from the momentarily increasing conviction that all was lost, +chatted away gaily, without any evidence of a stronger feeling than the +mere vicinity of a pretty person is sure to inspire. What success this +game was attended with I know not; but the suffering it cost me, I shall +never cease to remember. One satisfaction I certainly did experience +--she was manifestly piqued, and several times turned towards the person +on the other side of her, to avoid the tone of indifference in which I +discussed matters that were actually wringing my own heart at the moment. +Yet such was the bitterness of my spirit, that I set down this conduct +on her part as coquetry; and quite convinced myself that any slight +encouragement she might ever have given my attentions, was only meant +to indulge a spirit of vanity, by adding another to the list of her +conquests. + +As the feeling grew upon me, I suppose my manner to her became more +palpably cutting, for it ended at last in our discontinuing to speak, and +when we retired from the palace, I accompanied her to the carriage in +silence, and wished her a cold and distant good night, without any +advance to touch her hand at parting--and yet that parting, I had +destined for our last. + +The greater part of that night I spent in writing letters. One was to +Jane herself owning my affection, confessing that even the "rudesse" of +my late conduct was the fruit of it, and finally assuring her that +failing to win from her any return of my passion, I had resolved never to +meet her more--I also wrote a short note to my uncle, thanking him for +all he had formerly done in my behalf, but coldly declining for the +future, any assistance upon his part, resolving that upon my own efforts +alone should I now rest my fortunes. To Lord Callonby I wrote at greater +length, recapitulating the history of our early intimacy, and accusing +him of encouraging me in expectations, which, as he never intended to +confirm them, were fated to prove my ruin. More--much more I said, which +to avow, I should gladly shrink from, were it not that I have pledged +myself to honesty in these "Confessions," and as they depict the +bitterness and misery of my spirit, I must plead guilty to them here. In +a word, I felt myself injured. I saw no outlet for redress, and the only +consolation open to my wounded pride and crushed affection, was to show, +that if I felt myself a victim, at least I was not a dupe. I set about +packing up for the journey, whither, I knew not. My leave was nearly +expired, yet I could not bear the thought of rejoining the regiment. +My only desire was to leave Munich, and that speedily. When all my +arrangements were completed I went down noiselessly to the inn yard to +order post-horses by day-break, there to my surprise I found all activity +and bustle. Though so late at night, a courier had arrived from England +for Lord Callonby, with some important dispatches from the Government; +this would, at any other time, have interested me deeply; now I heard +the news without a particle of feeling, and I made all the necessary +dispositions for my journey, without paying the slightest attention to +what was going on about me. I had just finished, when Lord Callonby's +valet came to say, that his lordship wished to see me immediately in his +dressing room. Though I would gladly have declined any further +interview, I saw no means of escape, and followed the servant to his +lordship's room. + +There I found Lord Callonby in his dressing gown and night cap, +surrounded by papers, letters, despatch boxes, and red tape-tied parcels, +that all bespoke business. + +"Lorrequer, sit down, my boy, I have much to say to you, and as we have +no time to lose, you must forego a little sleep. Is the door closed? +I have just received most important news from England, and to begin," +here his lordship opened a letter and read as follow:-- + +"My Lord--They are out at last--the majority on Friday increased to forty +yesterday evening, when they resigned; the Duke has, meanwhile, assumed +the reins till further arrangements can be perfected, and despatches are +now preparing to bring all our friends about us. The only rumours as yet +are, L___, for the Colonies, H___, to the Foreign Office, W____ President +of the Council, and we anxiously hope yourself Viceroy to Ireland. In +any case lose no time in coming back to England. The struggle will be a +sharp one, as the outs are distracted, and we shall want you much. Ever +yours, my dear lord, + +"Henry ____." + +"This is much sooner than I looked for, Lorrequer, perhaps almost than I +wished; but as it has taken place, we must not decline the battle; now +what I wanted with you is this--if I go to Ireland I should like your +acceptance of the Private Secretary's Office. Come, come, no objections; +you know that you need not leave the army, you can become unattached, +I'll arrange all that; apropos, this concerns you, it is from the Horse +Guards, you need not read it now though, it is merely your gazette to the +company; your promotion, however, shall not stop there; however, the +important thing I want with you is this, I wish you to start for England +to-morrow; circumstances prevent my going from this for a few days. You +can see L____ and W____, &c., and explain all I have to say; I shall +write a few letters, and some hints for your own guidance; and as Kilkee +never would have head for these matters, I look to your friendship to do +it for me." + +Looking only to the post, as the proposal suited my already made resolve +to quit Munich, I acceded at once, and assured Lord Callonby that I +should be ready in an hour. + +"Quite right, Lorrequer, but still I shall not need this, you cannot +leave before eleven or twelve o'clock, in fact I have another service to +exact at your hands before we part with you; meanwhile, try and get some +sleep, you are not likely to know anything of a bed before you reach the +Clarendon." So saying, he hurried me from the room, and as he closed the +door, I heard him muttering his satisfaction, that already so far all had +been well arranged. + + + + +CHAPTER LV. + +CONCLUSION. + +Sleep came on me, without my feeling it, and amid all the distracting +cares and pressing thoughts that embarrassed me, I only awoke when the +roll of the caleche sounded beneath my window, and warned me that I must +be stirring and ready for the road. + +Since it is to be thus, thought I, it is much better that this +opportunity should occur of my getting away at once, and thus obviate all +the unpleasantness of my future meeting with Lady Jane; and the thousand +conjectures that my departure, so sudden and unannounced might give rise +to. So be it, and I have now only one hope more--that the terms we last +parted on, may prevent her appearing at the breakfast table; with these +words I entered the room, where the Callonbys were assembled, all save +Lady Jane. + +"This is too provoking; really, Mr. Lorrequer," said Lady Callonby, with +her sweetest smile, and most civil manner, "quite too bad to lose you +now, that you have just joined us." + +"Come, no tampering with our party," said Lord Callonby, "my friend here +must not be seduced by honied words and soft speeches, from the high road +that leads to honours and distinctions--now for your instructions." Here +his lordship entered into a very deep discussion as to the conditions +upon which his support might be expected, and relied upon, which Kilkee +from time to time interrupted by certain quizzing allusions to the low +price he put upon his services, and suggested that a mission for myself +should certainly enter into the compact. + +At length breakfast was over, and Lord Callonby said, "now make your +adieux, and let me see you for a moment in Sir Guy's room, we have a +little discussion there, in which your assistance is wanting." I +accordingly took my farewell of Lady Callonby, and approached to do so to +Lady Jane, but much to my surprise, she made me a very distant salute, +and said in her coldest tone, "I hope you may have a pleasant journey." +Before I had recovered my surprise at this movement, Kilkee came forward +and offered to accompany me a few miles of the road. I accepted readily +the kind offer, and once more bowing to the ladies, withdrew. And thus +it is, thought I, that I leave all my long dreamed of happiness, and such +is the end of many a long day's ardent expectation. When I entered my +uncle's room, my temper was certainly not in the mood most fit for +further trials, though it was doomed to meet them. + +"Harry, my boy, we are in great want of you here, and as time presses, we +must state our case very briefly. You are aware, Sir Guy tells me, that +your cousin Guy has been received among us as the suitor of my eldest +daughter. It has been an old compact between us to unite our families by +ties still stronger than our very ancient friendship, and this match has +been accordingly looked to, by us both with much anxiety. Now, although +on our parts I think no obstacle intervenes, yet I am sorry to say, there +appear difficulties in other quarters. In fact, certain stories have +reached Lady Jane's ears concerning your cousin, which have greatly +prejudiced her against him, and we have reason to think most unfairly; +for we have succeeded in tracing some of the offences in question, not to +Guy, but to a Mr. Morewood, who it seems has personated your cousin upon +more than one occasion, and not a little to his disadvantage. Now we +wish you to sift these matters to the bottom, by your going to Paris as +soon as you can venture to leave London--find out this man, and if +possible, make all straight; if money is wanting, he must of course have +it; but bear one thing in mind, that any possible step which may remove +this unhappy impression from my daughter's mind, will be of infinite +service, and never forgotten by us. Kilkee too has taken some dislike to +Guy. You have only, however, to talk to him on the matter, and he is +sure to pay attention to you." + +"And, Harry," said my uncle, "tell Guy, I am much displeased that he is +not here, I expected him to leave Paris with me, but some absurd wager at +the Jockey Club detained him." + +"Another thing, Harry, you may as well mention to your cousin, that Sir +Guy has complied with every suggestion that he formerly threw out--he +will understand the allusion." + +"Oh yes," said my uncle, "tell him roundly, he shall have Elton Hall; I +have fitted up Marsden for myself; so no difficulty lies in that +quarter." + +"You may add, if you like, that my present position with the government +enables me to offer him a speedy prospect of a Regiment, and that I think +he had better not leave the army." + +"And say that by next post Hamercloth's bond for the six thousand shall +be paid off, and let him send me a note of any other large sum he owes." + +"And above all things, no more delays. I must leave this for England +inevitably, and as the ladies will probably prefer wintering in Italy--" + +"Oh certainly," said my uncle, "the wedding must take place." + +"I scarcely can ask you to come to us on the occasion, though I need not +say how greatly we should all feel gratified if you could do so," said my +Lord. + +While this cross fire went on from both sides, I looked from one to the +other of the speakers. My first impression being, that having perceived +and disliked my attention to Lady Jane, they adopted this "mauvaise +plaisanterie" as a kind of smart lesson for my future guidance. My next +impression was that they were really in earnest, but about the very +stupidest pair of old gentlemen that ever wore hair powder. + +"And this is all," said I, drawing a long breath, and inwardly uttering a +short prayer for patience. + +"Why, I believe, I have mentioned everything," said Lord Callonby, +"except that if anything occurs to yourself that offers a prospect of +forwarding this affair, we leave you a carte blanche to adopt it." + +"Of course, then," said I, "I am to understand that as no other +difficulties lie in the way than those your Lordship has mentioned, the +feelings of the parties, their affections are mutual." + +"Oh, of course, your cousin, I suppose, has made himself agreeable; he +is a good looking fellow, and in fact, I am not aware, why they should +not like each other, eh Sir Guy?" + +"To be sure, and the Elton estates run half the shire with your +Gloucester property; never was there a more suitable match." + +"Then only one point remains, and that being complied with, you may +reckon upon my services; nay, more, I promise you success. Lady Jane's +own consent must be previously assured to me, without this, I most +positively decline moving a step in the matter; that once obtained, +freely and without constraint, I pledge myself to do all you require." + +"Quite fair, Harry, I perfectly approve of your scruples," so saying, his +Lordship rose and left the room. + +"Well, Harry, and yourself, what is to be done for you, has Callonby +offered you anything yet?" + +"Yes sir, his Lordship has most kindly offered me the under secretaryship +in Ireland, but I have resolved on declining it, though I shall not at +present say so, lest he should feel any delicacy in employing me upon the +present occasion." + +"Why, is the boy deranged--decline it--what have you got in the world, +that you should refuse such an appointment." + +The colour mounted to my cheeks, my temples burned, and what I should +have replied to this taunt, I know not, for passion had completely +mastered me. When Lord Callonby again entered the room, his usually calm +and pale face was agitated and flushed; and his manner tremulous and +hurried; for an instant he was silent, then turning towards my uncle, +he took his hand affectionately, and said, + +"My good old friend, I am deeply, deeply grieved; but we must abandon +this scheme. I have just seen my daughter, and from the few words which +we have had together, I find that her dislike to the match is invincible, +and in fact, she has obtained my promise never again to allude to it. If +I were willing to constrain the feelings of my child, you yourself would +not permit it. So here let us forget that we ever hoped for, ever +calculated on a plan in which both our hearts were so deeply interested." + +These words, few as they were, were spoken with deep feeling, and for the +first time, I looked upon the speaker with sincere regard. They were +both silent for some minutes; Sir Guy, who was himself much agitated, +spoke first. + +"So be it then, Callonby, and thus do I relinquish one--perhaps the only +cheering prospect my advanced age held out to me. I have long wished to +have your daughter for my niece, and since I have known her, the wish has +increased tenfold." + +"It was the chosen dream of all my anticipations," said Lord Callonby, +"and now Jane's affections only--but let it pass." + +"And is there then really no remedy, can nothing be struck out?" + +"Nothing." + +"I am not quite so sure, my Lord," said I tremulously. + +"No, no, Lorrequer, you are a ready witted fellow I know, but this passes +even your ingenuity, besides I have given her my word." + +"Even so." + +"Why, what do you mean, speak out man," said Sir Guy, "I'll give you ten +thousand pounds on the spot if you suggest a means of overcoming this +difficulty." + +"Perhaps you might not accede afterwards." + +"I pledge myself to it." + +"And I too," said Lord Callonby, "if no unfair stratagem be resorted to +towards my daughter. If she only give her free and willing consent, I +agree." + +"Then you must bid higher, uncle, ten thousand won't do, for the bargain +is well worth the money." + +"Name your price, boy, and keep your word." + +"Agreed then," holding my uncle to his promise, "I pledge myself that his +nephew shall be husband of Lady Jane Callonby, and now, my Lord, read +Harry vice Guy in the contract, and I am certain my uncle is too faithful +to his plighted word, and too true to his promise not to say it shall +be." + +The suddenness of this rash declaration absolutely stunned them both, and +then recovering at the same moment, their eyes met. + +"Fairly caught, Guy" said Lord Callonby, "a bold stroke if it only +succeeds." + +"And it shall, by G--," said my uncle, "Elton is yours, Harry, and with +seven thousand a year, and my nephew to boot, Callonby won't refuse you." + +There are moments in life in which conviction will follow a bold "coup de +main," that never would have ensued from the slow process of reasoning. +Luckily for me, this was one of those happy intervals. Lord Callonby +catching my uncle's enthusiasm, seized me by the hand and said, + +"With her consent, Lorrequer, you may count upon mine, and faith +if truth must be told, I always preferred you to the other." + +What my uncle added, I waited not to listen to; but with one bound sprung +from the room--dashed up stairs to Lady Callonby's drawing-room--looked +rapidly around to see if SHE were there, and then without paying the +slightest attention to the questions of Lady Callonby and her younger +daughter, was turning to leave the room, when my eye caught the flutter +of a Cachmere shawl in the garden beneath. In an instant the window was +torn open--I stood upon the sill, and though the fall was some twenty +feet, with one spring I took it, and before the ladies had recovered from +their first surprise at my unaccountable conduct, put the finishing +stroke to their amazement, by throwing my arms around Lady Jane, and +clasping her to my heart. + +I cannot remember by what process I explained the change that had taken +place in my fortunes. I had some very vague recollection of vows of +eternal love being mingled with praises of my worthy uncle, and the state +of my affections and finances were jumbled up together, but still +sufficiently intelligible to satisfy my beloved Jane--that this time at +least, I made love with something more than my own consent to support me. +Before we had walked half round the garden, she had promised to be mine; +and Harry Lorrequer, who rose that morning with nothing but despair and +darkness before him, was now the happiest of men. + +Dear reader, I have little more to confess. Lord Callonby's politics +were fortunately deemed of more moment than maidenly scruples, and the +treasury benches more respected than the trousseau. Our wedding was +therefore settled for the following week. Meanwhile, every day seemed +to teem with its own meed of good fortune. My good uncle, under whose +patronage, forty odd years before, Colonel Kamworth had obtained his +commission, undertook to effect the reconciliation between him and the +Wallers, who now only waited for our wedding, before they set out for +Hydrabad cottage, that snug receptacle of Curry and Madeira, Jack +confessing that he had rather listen to the siege of Java, by that +fire-side, than hear an account of Waterloo from the lips of the great +Duke himself. + +I wrote to Trevanion to invite him to Munich for the ceremony, and the +same post which informed me that he was en route to join us, brought also +a letter from my eccentric friend O'Leary, whose name having so often +occurred in these confessions, I am tempted to read aloud, the more so as +its contents are no secret, Kilkee having insisted upon reading it to a +committee of the whole family assembled after dinner. + + "Dear Lorrequer, + + "The trial is over, and I am acquitted, but still in St. Pelagie; + for as the government were determined to cut my head off if guilty, + so the mob resolved to murder me if innocent. A pleasant place + this: before the trial, I was the most popular man in Paris; my face + was in every print shop; plaster busts of me, with a great organ + behind the ear, in all the thoroughfares; my autograph selling at + six and twenty sous, and a lock of my hair at five francs. Now that + it is proved I did not murder the "minister at war," (who is in + excellent health and spirits) the popular feeling against me is very + violent; and I am looked upon as an imposter, who obtained his + notoriety under false pretences; and Vernet, who had begun my + picture for a Judas, has left off in disgust. Your friend Trevanion + is a trump; he procured a Tipperary gentleman to run away with Mrs. + Ram, and they were married at Frankfort, on Tuesday last. By the + by, what an escape you had of Emily: she was only quizzing you all + the time. She is engaged to be married to Tom O'Flaherty, who is + here now. Emily's imitation of you, with the hat a little on one + side, and a handkerchief flourishing away in one hand, is capital; + but when she kneels down and says, 'dearest Emily, &c.' you'd swear + it was yourself."--[Here the laughter of the auditory prevented + Kilkee proceeding, who, to my utter confusion, resumed after a + little.]--"Don't be losing your time making up to Lord Callonby's + daughter"--[here came another burst of laughter]--"they say here you + have not a chance, and moreover she's a downright flirt."--["It is + your turn now, Jane," said Kilkee, scarcely able to proceed.] + --"Besides that, her father's a pompous old Tory, that won't give a + sixpence with her; and the old curmudgeon, your uncle, has as much + idea of providing for you, as he has of dying."--[This last sally + absolutely convulsed all parties.]--"To be sure Kilkee's a fool, but + he is no use to you."--["Begad I thought I was going to escape," + said the individual alluded to, "but your friend O'Leary cuts on + every side of him."] The letter, after some very grave reflections + upon the hopelessness of my pursuit, concluded with a kind pledge to + meet me soon, and become my travelling companion. Meanwhile, added + he, "I must cross over to London, and look after my new work, which + is to come out soon, under the title of 'the Loiterings of Arthur + O'Leary.'" + +This elegant epistle formed the subject of much laughter and conversation +amongst us long after it was concluded; and little triumph could be +claimed by any party, when nearly all were so roughly handled. So passed +the last evening I spent in Munich--the next morning I was married. + +THE END. + + + + + +EBOOK EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS FOR ALL VOLUMES: + +A c'est egal, mam'selle, they don't mind these things in France +A rather unlady-like fondness for snuff +A crowd is a mob, if composed even of bishops +Accept of benefits with a tone of dissatisfaction +Accustomed to the slowness and the uncertainty of the law +Air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time +Always a pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friend +Amount of children which is algebraically expressed by an X +And some did pray--who never prayed before +Annoyance of her vulgar loquacity +Brought a punishment far exceeding the merits of the case +Chateaux en Espagne +Chew over the cud of his misfortune +Daily association sustains the interest of the veriest trifles +Dear, dirty Dublin--Io te salute +Delectable modes of getting over the ground through life +Devilish hot work, this, said the colonel +Disputing "one brandy too much" in his bill +Empty, valueless, heartless flirtation +Ending--I never yet met the man who could tell when it ended +Enjoy the name without the gain +Enough is as good as a feast +Escaped shot and shell to fall less gloriously beneath champagne +Every misfortune has an end at last +Exclaimed with Othello himself, "Chaos was come again;" +Fearful of a self-deception where so much was at stake +Fighting like devils for conciliation +Finish in sorrow what you have begun in folly +Gardez vous des femmes, and more especially if they be Irish +Green silk, "a little off the grass, and on the bottle" +Had a most remarkable talent for selecting a son-in-law +Had to hear the "proud man's contumely" +Half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him +Has but one fault, but that fault is a grand one +Hating each other for the love of God +He first butthers them up, and then slithers them down +He was very much disguised in drink +How ingenious is self-deception +If such be a sin, "then heaven help the wicked" +Indifferent to the many rebuffs she momentarily encountered +Involuntary satisfaction at some apparent obstacle to my path +Jaunting-cars, with three on a side and "one in the well" +Least important functionaries took the greatest airs upon them +Levelling character of a taste for play +Listen to reason, as they would call it in Ireland +Memory of them when hallowed by time or distance +Might almost excite compassion even in an enemy +Misfortune will find you out, if ye were hid in a tay chest +Mistaking zeal for inclination +Mistaking your abstraction for attention +My English proves me Irish +My French always shows me to be English +Never able to restrain myself from a propensity to make love +Nine-inside leathern "conveniency," bumping ten miles an hour +No equanimity like his who acts as your second in a duel +Nothing seemed extravagant to hopes so well founded +Nothing ever makes a man so agreeable as the belief that he is +Now, young ladies, come along, and learn something, if you can +Oh, the distance is nothing, but it is the pace that kills +Opportunely been so overpowered as to fall senseless +Other bottle of claret that lies beyond the frontier of prudence +Packed jury of her relatives, who rarely recommend you to mercy +Pleased are we ever to paint the past according to our own fancy +Profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine +Profuse in his legends of his own doings in love and war +Rather better than people with better coats on them +Rather a dabbler in the "ologies" +Recovered as much of their senses as the wine had left them +Respectable heir-loom of infirmity +Seems ever to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity +Sixteenthly, like a Presbyterian minister's sermon +Stoicism which preludes sending your friend out of the world +Strong opinions against tobacco within doors +Suppose I have laughed at better men than ever he was +Sure if he did, doesn't he take it out o' me in the corns? +That vanity which wine inspires +That "to stand was to fall," +That land of punch, priests, and potatoes +The divil a bit better she was nor a pronoun +The tone of assumed compassion +The "fat, fair, and forty" category +There are unhappily impracticable people in the world +There is no infatuation like the taste for flirtation +They were so perfectly contented with their self-deception +Time, that 'pregnant old gentleman,' will disclose all +Unwashed hands, and a heavy gold ring upon his thumb +Vagabond if Providence had not made me a justice of the peace +We pass a considerable portion of our lives in a mimic warfare +What will not habit accomplish +What we wish, we readily believe +What we wish we readily believe +When you pretended to be pleased, unluckily, I believed you +Whenever he was sober his poverty disgusted him +Whiskey, the appropriate liquor in all treaties of this nature +Whose paraphrase of the book of Job was refused +Wretched, gloomy-looking picture of woe-begone poverty + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, +Complete, by Charles James Lever (1806-1872) + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, COMPLETE *** + +***** This file should be named 5240.txt or 5240.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/4/5240/ + +Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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