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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Complete
+by Charles James Lever (1806-1872)
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Complete
+
+Author: Charles James Lever (1806-1872)
+
+Release Date: October 27, 2006 [EBook #5240]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, COMPLETE ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger
+
+
+
+
+[NOTE:    There is a list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of the
+file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making
+an entire meal of them.  D.W.]
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Volume 1
+
+[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]
+
+
+Dublin
+
+MDCCCXXXIX.
+
+
+[Note: Though the title page has no author's name inscribed,
+this work is generally attributed to Charles James Lever.]
+
+
+
+Volume 1. (Chapters I. to X.)
+
+         "We talked of pipe-clay regulation caps--
+            Long twenty-fours--short culverins and mortars--
+          Condemn'd the 'Horse Guards' for a set of raps,
+            And cursed our fate at being in such quarters.
+          Some smoked, some sighed, and some were heard to snore;
+            Some wished themselves five fathoms 'neat the Solway;
+          And some did pray--who never prayed before--
+            That they might get the 'route' for Cork or Galway."
+
+
+
+To
+Sir George Hamilton Seymour, G.C.H.
+&c. &c.
+
+My Dear Sir Hamilton,
+
+If a feather will show how the wind blows, perhaps my dedicating to you
+even as light matter as these Confessions may in some measure prove how
+grateful I feel for the many kindnesses I have received from you in the
+course of our intimacy.  While thus acknowledging a debt, I must also
+avow that another motive strongly prompts me upon this occasion.  I am
+not aware of any one, to whom with such propriety a volume of anecdote
+and adventure should be inscribed, as to one, himself well known as an
+inimitable narrator.  Could I have stolen for my story, any portion of
+the grace and humour with which I have heard you adorn many of your own,
+while I should deem this offering more worthy of your acceptance, I
+should also feel more confident of its reception by the public.
+
+               With every sentiment of esteem and regard,
+                         Believe me very faithfully yours,
+                                   THE AUTHOR
+Bruxelles, December, 1839.
+
+
+
+PREFATORY EPISTLE.
+
+Dear Public,
+
+When first I set about recording the scenes which occupy these pages, I
+had no intention of continuing them, except in such stray and scattered
+fragments as the columns of a Magazine (FOOTNOTE: The Dublin University
+Magazine.) permit of; and when at length I discovered that some interest
+had attached not only to the adventures, but to their narrator, I would
+gladly have retired with my "little laurels" from a stage, on which,
+having only engaged to appear between the acts, I was destined to come
+forward as a principal character.
+
+Among the "miseries of human life," a most touching one is spoken of--the
+being obliged to listen to the repetition of a badly sung song, because
+some well-wishing, but not over discreet friend of the singer has called
+loudly for an encore.
+
+I begin very much to fear that something of the kind has taken place
+here, and that I should have acted a wiser part, had I been contented
+with even the still small voice of a few partial friends, and retired
+from the boards in the pleasing delusion of success; but unfortunately,
+the same easy temperament that has so often involved me before, has been
+faithful to me here; and when you pretended to be pleased, unluckily, I
+believed you.
+
+So much of apology for the matter--a little now for the manner of my
+offending, and I have done.  I wrote as I felt--sometimes in good
+spirits, sometimes in bad--always carelessly--for, God help me, I can do
+no better.
+
+When the celibacy of the Fellows of Trinity College, Dublin, became an
+active law in that University, the Board proceeded to enforce it, by
+summoning to their presence all the individuals who it was well known had
+transgressed the regulation, and among them figured Dr. S., many of whose
+sons were at the same time students in the college.  "Are you married,
+Dr. S-----r?" said the bachelor vice-provost, in all the dignity and
+pride of conscious innocence.  "Married!" said the father of ten
+children, with a start of involuntary horror;--"married?"  "Yes sir,
+married."  "Why sir, I am no more married than the Provost."  This was
+quite enough--no further questions were asked, and the head of the
+University preferred a merciful course towards the offender, to
+repudiating his wife and disowning his children.  Now for the
+application.  Certain captious and incredulous people have doubted the
+veracity of the adventures I have recorded in these pages; I do not think
+it necessary to appeal to concurrent testimony and credible witnesses for
+their proof, but I pledge myself to the fact that every tittle I have
+related is as true as that my name is Lorrequer--need I say more?
+
+Another objection has been made to my narrative, and I cannot pass it by
+without a word of remark;--"these Confessions are wanting in scenes of
+touching and pathetic interest" (FOOTNOTE: We have the author's
+permission to state, that all the pathetic and moving incidents of his
+career he has reserved for a second series of "Confessions," to be
+entitled "Lorrequer Married?"--Publisher's Note.)--true, quite true; but
+I console myself on this head, for I remember hearing of an author whose
+paraphrase of the book of Job was refused by a publisher, if he could not
+throw a little more humour into it; and if I have not been more miserable
+and more unhappy, I am very sorry for it on your account, but you must
+excuse my regretting it on my own.  Another story and I have done;--the
+Newgate Calendar makes mention of a notorious housebreaker, who closed
+his career of outrage and violence by the murder of a whole family, whose
+house he robbed; on the scaffold he entreated permission to speak a few
+words to the crowd beneath, and thus addressed them:--"My friends, it is
+quite true I murdered this family; in cold blood I did it--one by one
+they fell beneath my hand, while I rifled their coffers, and took forth
+their effects; but one thing is imputed to me, which I cannot die without
+denying--it is asserted that I stole an extinguisher; the contemptible
+character of this petty theft is a stain upon my reputation, that I
+cannot suffer to disgrace my memory."  So would I now address you for all
+the graver offences of my book; I stand forth guilty--miserably, palpably
+guilty--they are mine every one of them; and I dare not, I cannot deny
+them; but if you think that the blunders in French and the hash of
+spelling so widely spread through these pages, are attributable to me;
+on the faith of a gentleman I pledge myself you are wrong, and that I had
+nothing to do with them.  If my thanks for the kindness and indulgence
+with which these hastily written and rashly conceived sketches have been
+received by the press and the public, are of any avail, let me add, in
+conclusion, that a more grateful author does not exist than
+
+HARRY LORREQUER
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS:
+
+Volume 1.
+
+CHAPTER I
+Arrival in Cork--Civic Festivities--Private Theatricals
+
+CHAPTER II
+Detachment Duty--The Burton Arms--Callonby
+
+CHAPTER III
+Life at Callonby--Love-making--Miss O'Dowd's Adventure
+
+CHAPTER IV
+Botanical Studies--The Natural System preferable to the Linnaean
+
+CHAPTER V
+Puzzled--Explanation--Makes bad worse--The Duel
+
+CHAPTER VI
+The Priest's Supper--Father Malachi and the Coadjutor--Major Jones and
+the Abbe
+
+CHAPTER VII
+The Lady's Letter--Peter and his Acquaintances--Too late
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+Congratulations--Sick Leave--How to pass the Board
+
+CHAPTER IX
+The Road--Travelling Acquaintances--A Packet Adventure
+
+CHAPTER X
+Upset--Mind and Body
+
+
+Volume 2.
+
+CHAPTER XI
+Cheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend
+
+CHAPTER XII
+Dublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+Dublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+The Chase
+
+CHAPTER XV
+Mems Of the North Cork
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+Theatricals
+
+CHAPTER XVI*    (The chapter # is a repeat)
+The Wager
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+The Elopement
+
+
+Volume 3.
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+Detachment Duty--An Assize Town
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+The Assize Town
+
+CHAPTER XX
+A Day in Dublin
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+A Night at Howth
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+The Journey
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+Calais
+
+
+Volume 4.
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+The Gen d'Arme
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+The Inn at Chantraine
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+Mr O'Leary
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+Paris
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+Paris
+
+
+Volume 5.
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+Captain Trevanion's Adventure
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+Difficulties
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+Explanation
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+Mr O'Leary's First Love
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+Mr O'Leary's Second Love
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+The Duel
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+Early Recollections--A First Love
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+Wise Resolves
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+The Proposal
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+Thoughts upon Matrimony in general, and in the Army in particular--The
+Knight of Kerry and Billy M'Cabe
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+A Reminiscence
+
+CHAPTER XL
+The Two Letters
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+Mr O'Leary's Capture
+
+
+
+Volume 6.
+
+CHAPTER XLII.
+The Journey
+
+CHAPTER XLIII.
+The Journey
+
+CHAPTER XLIV.
+A Reminscence of the East
+
+CHAPTER XLV.
+A Day in the Phoenix
+
+CHAPTER XLVI.
+An Adventure in Canada
+
+CHAPTER XLVII.
+The Courier's Passport
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII.
+A Night in Strasbourg
+
+CHAPTER XLIX.
+A Surprise
+
+CHAPTER L.
+Jack Waller's Story
+
+CHAPTER LI.
+Munich
+
+CHAPTER LII.
+Inn at Munich
+
+CHAPTER LIII.
+The Ball
+
+CHAPTER LIV.
+A Discovery
+
+CHAPTER LV.
+Conclusion
+
+
+
+
+
+A WORD OF INTRODUCTION.
+
+"Story! God bless you; I have none to tell, sir."
+
+It is now many--do not ask me to say how many--years since I received
+from the Horse Guards the welcome intelligence that I was gazetted to an
+ensigncy in his Majesty's __th Foot, and that my name, which had figured
+so long in the "Duke's" list, with the words "a very hard case" appended,
+should at length appear in the monthly record of promotions and
+appointments.
+
+Since then my life has been passed in all the vicissitudes of war and
+peace.  The camp and the bivouac--the reckless gaiety of the mess-table
+--the comfortless solitude of a French prison--the exciting turmoils of
+active service--the wearisome monotony of garrison duty, I have alike
+partaken of, and experienced.  A career of this kind, with a temperament
+ever ready to go with the humour of those about him will always be sure
+of its meed of adventure.  Such has mine been; and with no greater
+pretension than to chronicle a few of the scenes in which I have borne a
+part, and revive the memory of the other actors in them--some, alas! Now
+no more--I have ventured upon these "Confessions."
+
+If I have not here selected that portion of my life which most abounded
+in striking events and incidents most worthy of recording, my excuse is
+simply, because being my first appearance upon the boards, I preferred
+accustoming myself to the look of the house, while performing the "Cock,"
+to coming before the audience in the more difficult part of Hamlet.
+
+As there are unhappily impracticable people in the world, who, as Curran
+expressed it, are never content to know "who killed the gauger, if you
+can't inform them who wove his corduroys"--to all such I would, in deep
+humility, say, that with my "Confessions" they have nothing to do--I have
+neither story nor moral--my only pretension to the one, is the detail of
+a passion which marked some years of my life; my only attempt at the
+other, the effort to show how prolific in hair-breadth 'scapes may a
+man's career become, who, with a warm imagination and easy temper,
+believes too much, and rarely can feign a part without forgetting that he
+is acting.  Having said thus much, I must once more bespeak the
+indulgence never withheld from a true penitent, and at once begin my
+"Confessions."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I.
+
+ARRIVAL IN CORK--CIVIC FESTIVITIES--PRIVATE THEATRICALS.
+
+It was on a splendid morning in the autumn of the year 181_ that the
+Howard transport, with four hundred of his Majesty's 4_th Regt., dropped
+anchor in the beautiful harbour of Cove; the sea shone under the purple
+light of the rising sun with a rich rosy hue, beautifully in contrast
+with the different tints of the foliage of the deep woods already tinged
+with the brown of autumn.  Spike Island lay "sleeping upon its broad
+shadow," and the large ensign which crowns the battery was wrapped around
+the flag-staff, there not being even air enough to stir it.  It was still
+so early, that but few persons were abroad; and as we leaned over the
+bulwarks, and looked now, for the first time for eight long years, upon
+British ground, many an eye filled, and many a heaving breast told how
+full of recollections that short moment was, and how different our
+feelings from the gay buoyancy with which we had sailed from that same
+harbour for the Peninsula; many of our best and bravest had we left
+behind us, and more than one native to the land we were approaching had
+found his last rest in the soil of the stranger.  It was, then, with a
+mingled sense of pain and pleasure, we gazed upon that peaceful little
+village, whose white cottages lay dotted along the edge of the harbour.
+The moody silence our thoughts had shed over us was soon broken: the
+preparations for disembarking had begun, and I recollect well to this
+hour how, shaking off the load that oppressed my heart, I descended the
+gangway, humming poor Wolfe's well-known song--
+
+               "Why, soldiers, why
+                Should we be melancholy, boys?"
+
+And to this elasticity of spirits--whether the result of my profession,
+or the gift of God--as Dogberry has it--I know not--I owe the greater
+portion of the happiness I have enjoyed in a life, whose changes and
+vicissitudes have equalled most men's.
+
+Drawn up in a line along the shore, I could scarce refrain from a smile
+at our appearance.  Four weeks on board a transport will certainly not
+contribute much to the "personnel" of any unfortunate therein confined;
+but when, in addition to this, you take into account that we had not
+received new clothes for three years--if I except caps for our
+grenadiers, originally intended for a Scotch regiment, but found to be
+all too small for the long-headed generation.  Many a patch of brown and
+grey, variegated the faded scarlet, "of our uniform," and scarcely a pair
+of knees in the entire regiment did not confess their obligations to a
+blanket.  But with all this, we shewed a stout, weather-beaten front,
+that, disposed as the passer-by might feel to laugh at our expense, very
+little caution would teach him it was fully as safe to indulge it in his
+sleeve.
+
+The bells from every steeple and tower rung gaily out a peal of welcome
+as we marched into "that beautiful city called Cork," our band playing
+"Garryowen"--for we had been originally raised in Ireland, and still
+among our officers maintained a strong majority from that land of punch,
+priests, and potatoes--the tattered flag of the regiment proudly waving
+over our heads, and not a man amongst us whose warm heart did not bound
+behind a Waterloo medal.  Well--well!  I am now--alas, that I should say
+it--somewhat in the "sear and yellow;" and I confess, after the
+experience of some moments of high, triumphant feeling, that I never
+before felt within me, the same animating, spirit-filling glow of
+delight, as rose within my heart that day, as I marched at the head
+of my company down George's-street.
+
+We were soon settled in barracks; and then began a series of
+entertainments on the side of the civic dignities of Cork, which soon led
+most of us to believe that we had only escaped shot and shell to fall
+less gloriously beneath champagne and claret.  I do not believe there is
+a coroner in the island who would have pronounced but the one verdict
+over the regiment--"Killed by the mayor and corporation," had we so
+fallen.
+
+First of all, we were dined by the citizens of Cork--and, to do them
+justice, a harder drinking set of gentlemen no city need boast; then we
+were feasted by the corporation; then by the sheriffs; then came the
+mayor, solus; then an address, with a cold collation, that left eight of
+us on the sick-list for a fortnight; but the climax of all was a grand
+entertainment given in the mansion-house, and to which upwards of two
+thousand were invited.  It was a species of fancy ball, beginning by a
+dejeune at three o'clock in the afternoon, and ending--I never yet met
+the man who could tell when it ended; as for myself, my finale partook a
+little of the adventurous, and I may as well relate it.
+
+After waltzing for about an hour with one of the prettiest girls I ever
+set eyes upon, and getting a tender squeeze of the hand, as I restored
+her to a most affable-looking old lady in a blue turban and a red velvet
+gown who smiled most benignly on me, and called me "Meejor," I retired to
+recruit for a new attack, to a small table, where three of ours were
+quaffing "ponche a la Romaine," with a crowd of Corkagians about them,
+eagerly inquiring after some heroes of their own city, whose deeds of
+arms they were surprised did not obtain special mention from "the Duke."
+I soon ingratiated myself into this well-occupied clique, and dosed them
+with glory to their hearts' content.  I resolved at once to enter into
+their humour; and as the "ponche" mounted up to my brain I gradually
+found my acquaintanceship extend to every family and connexion in the
+country.
+
+"Did ye know Phil Beamish of the 3_th, sir?" said a tall, red-faced,
+red-whiskered, well-looking gentleman, who bore no slight resemblance
+to Feargus O'Connor.
+
+"Phil Beamish!" said I.  "Indeed I did, sir, and do still; and there is
+not a man in the British army I am prouder of knowing."  Here, by the
+way, I may mention that I never heard the name till that moment.
+
+"You don't say so, sir?" said Feargus--for so I must call him, for
+shortness sake.  "Has he any chance of the company yet, sir?"
+
+"Company!" said I, in astonishment.  "He obtained his majority three
+months since.  You cannot possibly have heard from lately, or you would
+have known that?"
+
+"That's true, sir.  I never heard since he quitted the 3_th to go to
+Versailles, I think they call it, for his health.  But how did he get the
+step, sir?"
+
+"Why, as to the company, that was remarkable enough!" said I, quaffing
+off a tumbler of champagne, to assist my invention.  "You know it was
+about four o'clock in the afternoon of the 18th that Napoleon ordered
+Grouchy to advance with the first and second brigade of the Old Guard and
+two regiments of chasseurs, and attack the position occupied by Picton
+and the regiments under his command.  Well, sir, on they came, masked by
+the smoke of a terrific discharge of artillery, stationed on a small
+eminence to our left, and which did tremendous execution among our poor
+fellows--on they came, Sir; and as the smoke cleared partially away we
+got a glimpse of them, and a more dangerous looking set I should not
+desire to see: grizzle-bearded, hard-featured, bronzed fellows, about
+five-and-thirty or forty years of age; their beauty not a whit improved
+by the red glare thrown upon their faces and along the whole line by each
+flash of the long twenty-fours that were playing away to the right.  Just
+at this moment Picton rode down the line with his staff, and stopping
+within a few paces of me, said, 'They're coming up; steady, boys; steady
+now: we shall have something to do soon.'  And then, turning sharply
+round, he looked in the direction of the French battery, that was
+thundering away again in full force, 'Ah, that must be silenced,' said
+he, 'Where's Beamish?'--"Says Picton!" interrupted Feargus, his eyes
+starting from their sockets, and his mouth growing wider every moment, as
+he listed with the most intense interest.  "Yes," said I, slowly; and
+then, with all the provoking nonchalance of an Italian improvisatore, who
+always halts at the most exciting point of his narrative, I begged a
+listener near me to fill my glass from the iced punch beside him.  Not a
+sound was heard as I lifted the bumper to my lips; all were breathless in
+their wound-up anxiety to hear of their countryman who had been selected
+by Picton--for what, too, they knew not yet, and, indeed, at this instant
+I did not know myself, and nearly laughed outright, for the two of our
+men who had remained at the table had so well employed their interval of
+ease as to become very pleasantly drunk, and were listening to my
+confounded story with all the gravity and seriousness in the world.
+
+"'Where's Beamish?' said Picton.  'Here, sir,' said Phil stepping out
+from the line and touching his cap to the general, who, taking him apart
+for a few minutes, spoke to him with great animation.   We did not know
+what he said; but before five minutes were over, there was Phil with
+three companies of light-bobs drawn up at our left; their muskets at the
+charge, they set off at a round trot down the little steep which closed
+our flank.  We had not much time to follow their movements, for our own
+amusement began soon; but I well remember, after repelling the French
+attack, and standing in square against two heavy charges of cuirassiers,
+the first thing I saw where the French battery had stood, was Phil
+Beamish and about a handful of brave fellows, all that remained from the
+skirmish.  He captured two of the enemy's field-pieces, and was 'Captain
+Beamish' on the day after."
+
+"Long life to him," said at least a dozen voices behind and about me,
+while a general clinking of decanters and smacking of lips betokened that
+Phil's health with all the honours was being celebrated.  For myself, I
+was really so engrossed by my narrative, and so excited by the "ponche,"
+that I saw or heard very little of what was passing around, and have only
+a kind of dim recollection of being seized by the hand by "Feargus," who
+was Beamish's brother, and who, in the fullness of his heart, would have
+hugged me to his breast, if I had not opportunely been so overpowered as
+to fall senseless under the table.
+
+When I first returned to consciousness, I found myself lying exactly
+where I had fallen.  Around me lay heaps of slain--the two of "ours"
+amongst the number.  One of them--I remember he was the adjutant--held in
+his hand a wax candle (three to the pound).  Whether he had himself
+seized it in the enthusiasm of my narrative of flood and field, or it had
+been put there by another, I know not, but he certainly cut a droll
+figure.  The room we were in was a small one off the great saloon, and
+through the half open folding-door I could clearly perceive that the
+festivities were still continued.  The crash of fiddles and French horns,
+and the tramp of feet, which had lost much of their elasticity since the
+entertainments began, rang through my ears, mingled with the sounds "down
+the middle," "hands across," "here's your partner, Captain."  What hour
+of the night or morning it then was, I could not guess; but certainly the
+vigor of the party seemed little abated, if I might judge from the
+specimens before me, and the testimony of a short plethoric gentleman,
+who stood wiping his bald head, after conducting his partner down
+twenty-eight couple, and who, turning to his friend, said, "Oh, the
+distance is nothing, but it is the pace that kills."
+
+The first evidence I shewed of any return to reason, was a strong
+anxiety to be at my quarters; but how to get there I knew not.  The faint
+glimmering of sense I possessed told me that "to stand was to fall," and
+I was ashamed to go on all-fours, which prudence suggested.
+
+At this moment I remembered I had brought with me my cane, which, from a
+perhaps pardonable vanity, I was fond of parading.  It was a present from
+the officers of my regiment--many of them, alas, since dead--and had a
+most splendid gold head, with a stag at the top--the arms of the
+regiment.  This I would not have lost for any consideration I can
+mention; and this now was gone!  I looked around me on every side; I
+groped beneath the table; I turned the sleeping sots who lay about in no
+very gentle fashion; but, alas, it was gone.  I sprang to my feet and
+only then remembered how unfit I was to follow up the search, as tables,
+chairs, lights, and people seemed all rocking and waving before me.
+However, I succeeded in making my way, through one room into another,
+sometimes guiding my steps along the walls; and once, as I recollect,
+seeking the diagonal of a room, I bisected a quadrille with such
+ill-directed speed, as to run foul of a Cork dandy and his partner who
+were just performing the "en avant:" but though I saw them lie tumbled
+in the dust by the shock of my encounter--for I had upset them--I still
+held on the even tenor of my way.  In fact, I had feeling for but one
+loss; and, still in pursuit of my cane, I reached the hall-door.  Now,
+be it known that the architecture of the Cork Mansion House has but one
+fault, but that fault is a grand one, and a strong evidence of how
+unsuited English architects are to provide buildings for a people whose
+tastes and habits they but imperfectly understand--be it known, then,
+that the descent from the hall-door to the street was by a flight of
+twelve stone steps.  How I should ever get down these was now my
+difficulty.  If Falstaff deplored "eight yards of uneven ground as being
+three score and ten miles a foot," with equal truth did I feel that
+these twelve awful steps were worse to me than would be M'Gillicuddy
+Reeks in the day-light, and with a head clear from champagne.
+
+While I yet hesitated, the problem resolved itself; for, gazing down upon
+the bright gravel, brilliantly lighted by the surrounding lamps, I lost
+my balance, and came tumbling and rolling from top to bottom, where I
+fell upon a large mass of some soft substance, to which, in all
+probability, I owe my life.  In a few seconds I recovered my senses, and
+what was my surprise to find that the downy cushion beneath, snored most
+audibly!  I moved a little to one side, and then discovered that in
+reality it was nothing less than an alderman of Cork, who, from his
+position, I concluded had shared the same fate with myself; there he lay,
+"like a warrior taking his rest," but not with his "martial cloak around
+him," but a much more comfortable and far more costly robe--a scarlet
+gown of office--with huge velvet cuffs and a great cape of the same
+material.  True courage consists in presence of mind; and here mine came
+to my aid at once: recollecting the loss I had just sustained, and
+perceiving that all was still about me, with that right Peninsular maxim,
+that reprisals are fair in an enemy's camp, I proceeded to strip the
+slain; and with some little difficulty--partly, indeed, owing to my
+unsteadiness on my legs--I succeeded in denuding the worthy alderman, who
+gave no other sign of life during the operation than an abortive effort
+to "hip, hip, hurra," in which I left him, having put on the spoil, and
+set out on my way the the barrack with as much dignity of manner as I
+could assume in honour of my costume.  And here I may mention (en
+parenthese) that a more comfortable morning gown no man ever possessed,
+and in its wide luxuriant folds I revel, while I write these lines.
+
+When I awoke on the following day I had considerable difficulty in
+tracing the events of the past evening.  The great scarlet cloak,
+however, unravelled much of the mystery, and gradually the whole of my
+career became clear before me, with the single exception of the episode
+of Phil Beamish, about which my memory was subsequently refreshed--but I
+anticipate.  Only five appeared that day at mess; and, Lord! What
+spectres they were!--yellow as guineas; they called for soda water
+without ceasing, and scarcely spoke a word to each other.  It was plain
+that the corporation of Cork was committing more havoc among us than
+Corunna or Waterloo, and that if we did not change our quarters, there
+would be quick promotion in the corps for such as were "seasoned
+gentlemen."  After a day or two we met again together, and then what
+adventures were told--each man had his own story to narrate; and from the
+occurrences detailed, one would have supposed years had been passing,
+instead of the short hours of an evening party.  Mine were indeed among
+the least remarkable; but I confess that the air of vraisemblance
+produced by my production of the aldermanic gown gave me the palm above
+all competitors.
+
+Such was our life in Cork--dining, drinking, dancing, riding steeple
+chases, pigeon shooting, and tandem driving--filling up any little
+interval that was found to exist between a late breakfast, and the time
+to dress for dinner; and here I hope I shall not be accused of a tendency
+to boasting, while I add, that among all ranks and degrees of men, and
+women too, there never was a regiment more highly in estimation than the
+4_th.  We felt the full value of all the attentions we were receiving;
+and we endeavoured, as best we might, to repay them.  We got up Garrison
+Balls and Garrison Plays, and usually performed one or twice a week
+during the winter.  Here I shone conspicuously; in the morning I was
+employed painting scenery and arranging the properties; as it grew later,
+I regulated the lamps, and looked after the foot-lights, mediating
+occasionally between angry litigants, whose jealousies abound to the full
+as much, in private theatricals, as in the regular corps dramatique.
+Then, I was also leader in the orchestra; and had scarcely to speak the
+prologues.  Such are the cares of greatness: to do myself justice, I did
+not dislike them; though, to be sure, my taste for the drama did cost me
+a little dear, as will be seen in the sequel.
+
+We were then in the full career of popularity.  Our balls pronounced the
+very pleasantest; our plays far superior to any regular corps that had
+ever honoured Cork with their talents; when an event occurred which threw
+a gloom over all our proceedings, and finally put a stop to every project
+for amusement, we had so completely given ourselves up to.  This was no
+less than the removal of our Lieutenant-Colonel.  After thirty years of
+active service in the regiment he then commanded, his age and
+infirmities, increased by some severe wounds, demanded ease and repose;
+he retired from us, bearing along with him the love and regard of every
+man in the regiment.  To the old officers he was endeared by long
+companionship, and undeviating friendship; to the young, he was in every
+respect as a father, assisting by his advice, and guiding by his counsel;
+while to the men, the best estimate of his worth appeared in the fact,
+that corporeal punishment was unknown in the corps.  Such was the man we
+lost; and it may well be supposed, that his successor, who, or whatever
+he might be, came under circumstances of no common difficulty amongst us;
+but, when I tell, that our new Lieutenant-Colonel was in every respect
+his opposite, it may be believed how little cordiality he met with.
+
+Lieutenant-Colonel Carden--for so I shall call him, although not his real
+name--had not been a month at quarters, when he proved himself a regular
+martinet; everlasting drills, continual reports, fatigue parties, and
+ball practice, and heaven knows what besides, superseded our former
+morning's occupation; and, at the end of the time I have metioned, we,
+who had fought our way from Albuera to Waterloo, under some of the
+severest generals of division, were pronounced a most disorderly and
+ill-disciplined regiment, by a Colonel, who had never seen a shot fired
+but at a review in Hounslow, or a sham-battle in the Fifteen Acres.  The
+winter was now drawing to a close--already some little touch of spring
+was appearing; as our last play for the season was announced, every
+effort to close with some little additional effort was made; and each
+performer in the expected piece was nerving himself for an effort beyond
+his wont.  The Colonel had most unequivocally condemned these plays; but
+that mattered not; they came not within his jurisdiction; and we took no
+notice of his displeasure, further than sending him tickets, which were
+as immediately returned as received.  From being the chief offender, I
+had become particularly obnoxious; and he had upon more than one
+occasion expressed his desire for an opportunity to visit me with his
+vengeance; but being aware of his kind intentions towards me, I took
+particular care to let no such opportunity occur.
+
+On the morning in question, then, I had scarcely left my quarters, when
+one of my brother officers informed me that the Colonel had made a great
+uproar, that one of the bills of the play had been put up on his door
+--which, with his avowed dislike to such representations, he considered as
+intended to insult him: he added, too, that the Colonel attributed it to
+me.  In this, however, he was wrong--and, to this hour, I never knew who
+did it.  I had little time, and still less inclination, to meditate upon
+the Colonel's wrath--the theatre had all my thoughts; and indeed it was a
+day of no common exertion, for our amusements were to conclude with a
+grand supper on the stage, to which all the elite of Cork were invited.
+Wherever I went through the city--and many were my peregrinations--the
+great placard of the play stared me in the fact; and every gate and
+shuttered window in Cork, proclaimed, "THE PART OF OTHELLO, BY MR.
+LORREQUER."
+
+As evening drew near, my cares and occupations were redoubled.  My Iago
+I had fears for--'tis true he was an admirable Lord Grizzle in Tom Thumb
+--but then--then I had to paint the whole company, and bear all their
+abuse besides, for not making some of the most ill-looking wretches,
+perfect Apollos; but, last of all, I was sent for, at a quarter to
+seven, to lace Desdemona's stays.  Start not, gentle reader--my fair
+Desdemona--she "who might lie by an emperor's side, and command him
+tasks"--was no other than the senior lieutenant of the regiment, and who
+was a great a votary of the jolly god as honest Cassio himself.  But I
+must hasten on--I cannot delay to recount our successes in detail.  Let
+it suffice to say, that, by universal consent, I was preferred to Kean;
+and the only fault the most critical observer could find to the
+representative of Desdemona, was a rather unlady-like fondness for
+snuff.  But, whatever little demerits our acting might have displayed,
+were speedily forgotten in a champagne supper.  There I took the head of
+the table; and, in the costume of the noble Moor, toasted, made
+speeches, returned thanks, and sung songs, till I might have exclaimed
+with Othello himself, "Chaos was come again;"--and I believe I owe my
+ever reaching the barrack that night to the kind offices of Desdemona,
+who carried me the greater part of the way on her back.
+
+The first waking thoughts of him who has indulged over-night, was not
+among the most blissful of existence, and certainly the pleasure is not
+increased by the consciousness that he is called on to the discharge of
+duties to which a fevered pulse and throbbing temples are but ill-suited.
+My sleep was suddenly broken in upon the morning after the play, but a
+"row-dow-dow" beat beneath my window.  I jumped hastily from my bed, and
+looked out, and there, to my horror, perceived the regiment under arms.
+It was one of our confounded colonel's morning drills; and there he stood
+himself with the poor adjutant, who had been up all night, shivering
+beside him.  Some two or three of the officers had descended; and the
+drum was now summoning the others as it beat round the barrack-square.
+I saw there was not a moment to lose, and proceeded to dress with all
+despatch; but, to my misery, I discovered every where nothing but
+theatrical robes and decorations--there lay a splendid turban, here a
+pair of buskins--a spangled jacket glittered on one table, and a jewelled
+scimitar on the other.  At last I detected my "regimental small-clothes,"
+&c. Most ignominiously thrust into a corner, in my ardour for my Moorish
+robes the preceding evening.
+
+I dressed myself with the speed of lightning; but as I proceeded in my
+occupation-guess my annoyance to find that the toilet-table and glass,
+ay, and even the basin-stand, had been removed to the dressing-room of
+the theatre; and my servant, I suppose, following his master's example,
+was too tipsy to remember to bring them back; so that I was unable to
+procure the luxury of cold water--for now not a moment more remained--the
+drum had ceased, and the men had all fallen in.  Hastily drawing on my
+coat, I put on my shako, and buckling on my belt as dandy-like as might
+be, hurried down the stairs to the barrack-yard.  By the time I got down,
+the men were all drawn up in line along the square; while the adjutant
+was proceeding to examine their accoutrements, &c. as he passed down.
+The colonel and the officers were standing in a group, but no conversing.
+The anger of the commanding officer appeared still to continue, and there
+was a dead silence maintained on both sides.  To reach the spot where
+they stood, I had to pass along part of the line.  In doing so, how shall
+I convey my amazement at the faces that met me--a general titter ran
+along the entire rank, which not even their fears for consequences seemed
+able to repress--for an effort, on the part of many, to stifle the laugh,
+only ended in a still louder burst of merriment.  I looked to the far
+side of the yard for an explanation, but there was nothing there to
+account for it.  I now crossed over to where the officers were standing,
+determining in my own mind to investigate the occurrence thoroughly, when
+free from the presence of the colonel, to whom any representation of ill
+conduct always brought a punishment far exceeding the merits of the case.
+
+Scarcely had I formed this resolve, when I reached the group of officers;
+but the moment I came near, one general roar of laughter saluted me,--the
+like of which I never before heard--I looked down at my costume,
+expecting to discover that, in my hurry to dress, I had put on some of
+the garments of Othello--No: all was perfectly correct.  I waited for a
+moment, till the first burst of their merriment over, I should obtain a
+clue to the jest.  But their mirth appeared to increase.  Indeed poor
+G----, the senior major, one of the gravest men in Europe, laughed till
+the tears ran down his cheeks; and such was the effect upon me, that I
+was induced to laugh too--as men will sometimes, from the infectious
+nature of that strange emotion; but, no sooner did I do this, than their
+fun knew no bounds, and some almost screamed aloud, in the excess of
+their merriment; just at this instant the Colonel, who had been examining
+some of the men, approached our group, advancing with an air of evident
+displeasure, as the shouts of loud laughter continued.  As he came up,
+I turned hastily round, and touching my cap, wished him good morning.
+Never shall I forget the look he gave me.  If a glance could have
+annihilated any man, his would have finished me.  For a moment his face
+became purple with rage, his eye was almost hid beneath his bent brow,
+and he absolutely shook with passion.
+
+"Go, Sir," said he at length, as soon as he was able to find utterance
+for his words; "Go, sir, to your quarters; and before you leave them, a
+court-martial shall decide, if such continued insult to your commanding
+officer, warrants your name being in the Army List."
+
+"What the devil can all this mean?" I said, in a half-whisper, turning to
+the others.  But there they stood, their handkerchiefs to their mouths,
+and evidently choking with suppressed laughter.
+
+"May I beg, Colonel C_____," said I----
+
+"To your quarters, sir," roared the little man, in the voice of a lion.
+And with a haughty wave of his hand, prevented all further attempt on my
+part to seek explanation.
+
+"They're all mad, every man of them," I muttered, as I betook byself
+slowly back to my rooms, amid the same evidences of mirth my first
+appearance had excited--which even the Colonel's presence, feared as
+he was, could not entirely subdue.
+
+With the air of a martyr I trod heavily up the stairs, and entered my
+quarters, meditating within myself, awful schemes for vengeance, on the
+now open tyranny of my Colonel; upon whom, I too, in my honest rectitude
+of heart, vowed to have "a court-martial."  I threw myself upon a chair,
+and endeavoured to recollect what circumstance of the past evening could
+have possibly suggested all the mirth in which both officers and men
+seemed to participate equally; but nothing could I remember, capable of
+solving the mystery,--surely the cruel wrongs of the manly Othello were
+no laughter-moving subject.
+
+I rang the bell hastily for my servant.  The door opened.
+
+"Stubbes," said I, "are you aware"----
+
+I had only got so far in my question, when my servant, one of the most
+discreet of men, put on a broad grin, and turned away towards the door to
+hide his face.
+
+"What the devil does this mean?" said I, stamping with passion; "he is as
+bad as the rest.  Stubbes," and this I spoke with the most grave and
+severe tone, "what is the meaning of the insolence?"
+
+"Oh, sir," said the man; "Oh, sir, surely you did not appear on parade
+with that face?" and then he burst into a fit of the most uncontrollable
+laughter.
+
+Like lightning a horrid doubt shot across my mind.  I sprung over to the
+dressing-glass, which had been replaced, and oh: horror of horrors!
+There I stood as black as the king of Ashantee.  The cursed dye which I
+had put on for Othello, I had never washed off,--and there with a huge
+bear-skin shako, and a pair of black, bushy whiskers, shone my huge,
+black, and polished visage, glowering at itself in the looking-glass.
+
+My first impulse, after amazement had a little subsided, was to laugh
+immoderately; in this I was joined by Stubbes, who, feeling that his
+mirth was participated in, gave full vent to his risibility.  And,
+indeed, as I stood before the glass, grinning from ear to ear, I felt
+very little surprise that my joining in the laughter of my brother
+officers, a short time before, had caused an increase of their merriment.
+I threw myself upon a sofa, and absolutely laughed till my sides ached,
+when, the door opening, the adjutant made his appearance.  He looked for
+a moment at me, then at Stubbes, and then burst out himself, as loud as
+either of us.  When he had at length recovered himself, he wiped his face
+with his handkerchief, and said, with a tone of much gravity:--
+
+"But, my dear Lorrequer, this will be a serious--a devilish serious
+affair.  You know what kind of man Colonel C____ is; and you are aware,
+too, you are not one of his prime favourites.  He is firmly convinced
+that you intended to insult him, and nothing will convince him to the
+contrary.  We told him how it must have occurred, but he will listen to
+no explanation."
+
+I thought for one second before I replied, my mind, with the practised
+rapidity of an old campaigner, took in all the pros and cons of the case;
+I saw at a glance, it were better to brave the anger of the Colonel, come
+in what shape it might, than be the laughing-stock of the mess for life,
+and with a face of the greatest gravity and self-possession, said,
+
+"Well, adjutant, the Colonel is right.  It was no mistake!  You know I
+sent him tickets yesterday for the theatre.  Well, he returned them; this
+did not annoy me, but on one account, I had made a wager with Alderman
+Gullable, that the Colonel should see me in Othello--what was to be done?
+Don't you see, now, there was only one course, and I took it, old boy,
+and have won my bet!"
+
+"And lost your commission for a dozen of champagne, I suppose," said the
+adjutant.
+
+"Never mind, my dear fellow," I repled; "I shall get out of this scrape,
+as I have done many others."
+
+"But what do you intend doing?"
+
+"Oh, as to that," said I, "I shall, of course, wait on the Colonel
+immediately; pretend to him that it was a mere blunder, from the
+inattention of my servant--hand over Stubbes to the powers that punish,
+(here the poor fellow winced a little,) and make my peace as well as I
+can.  But, adjutant, mind," said I, "and give the real version to all our
+fellows, and tell them to make it public as much as they please."
+
+"Never fear," said he, as he left the room still laughing, "they shall
+all know the true story; but I wish with all my heart you were well out
+of it."
+
+I now lost no time in making my toilet, and presented myself at the
+Colonel's quarters.  It is no pleasure for me to recount these passages
+in my life, in which I have had to hear the "proud man's contumely."  I
+shall therefore merely observe, that after a very long interview, the
+Colonel accepted my apologies, and we parted.
+
+Before a week elapsed, the story had gone far and near; every
+dinner-table in Cork had laughed at it.  As for me, I attained immortal
+honour for my tact and courage.  Poor Gullable readily agreed to favour
+the story, and gave us a dinner as the lost wager, and the Colonel was
+so unmercifully quizzed on the subject, and such broad allusions to his
+being humbugged were given in the Cork papers, that he was obliged to
+negociate a change of quarters with another regiment, to get out of the
+continual jesting, and in less than a month we marched to Limerick, to
+relieve, as it was reported, the 9th, ordered for foreign service, but,
+in reality, only to relieve Lieut.-Colonel C____, quizzed beyond
+endurance.
+
+However, if the Colonel had seemed to forgive, he did not forget, for the
+very second week after our arrival in Limerick, I received one morning at
+my breakfast-table, the following brief note from our adjutant:--
+
+     "My Dear Lorrequer--The Colonel has received orders to despatch two
+     companies to some remote part of the county Clare; as you have 'done
+     the state some service,' you are selected for the beautiful town of
+     Kilrush, where, to use the eulogistic language of the geography
+     books, 'there is a good harbour, and a market plentifully supplied
+     with fish.'  I have just heard of the kind intention in store for
+     you, and lose no time in letting you know.
+
+     "God give you a good deliverance from the 'garcons lances,' as the
+     Moniteur calls the Whiteboys, and believe me ever your's, Charles
+     Curzon."
+
+I had scarcely twice read over the adjutant's epistle, when I received
+an official notification from the Colonel, directing me to proceed to
+Kilrush, then and there to afford all aid and assistance in suppressing
+illicit distillation, when called on for that purpose; and other similar
+duties too agreeable to recapitulate.  Alas!  Alas!  Othello's
+occupation: was indeed gone!  The next morning at sun-rise saw me on my
+march, with what appearance of gaiety I could muster, but in reality very
+much chopfallen at my banishment, and invoking sundry things upon the
+devoted head of the Colonel, which he would by no means consider as
+"blessings."
+
+How short-sighted are we mortals, whether enjoying all the pump and state
+of royalty, or marching like myself at the head of a company of his
+Majesty's 4_th.
+
+Little, indeed, did I anticipate that the Siberia to which I fancied I
+was condemned should turn out the happiest quarters my fate ever threw me
+into.  But this, including as it does, one of the most important events
+of my life, I reserve for another chapter.--
+
+"What is that place called, Sergeant?"--"Bunratty Castle, sir,"
+
+"Where do we breakfast?"--"At Clare Island, sir."
+
+"March away, boys!"
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II.
+
+DETACHMENT DUTY--THE BURTON ARMS--CALLONBY.
+
+For a week after my arrival at Kilrush, my life was one of the most
+dreary monotony.  The rain, which had begun to fall as I left Limerick,
+continued to descend in torrents, and I found myself a close prisoner in
+the sanded parlour of "mine inn."  At no time would such "durance vile"
+have been agreeable; but now, when I contrasted it with all I had left
+behind at head quarters, it was absolutely maddening.  The pleasant
+lounge in the morning, the social mess, and the agreeable evening party,
+were all exchanged for a short promenade of fourteen feet in one
+direction, and twelve in the other, such being the accurate measurement
+of my "salle a manger."  A chicken, with legs as blue as a Highlander's
+in winter, for my dinner; and the hours that all Christian mankind were
+devoting to pleasant intercourse, and agreeable chit-chat, spent in
+beating that dead-march to time, "the Devil's Tattoo," upon my ricketty
+table, and forming, between whiles, sundry valorous resolutions to reform
+my life, and "eschew sack and loose company."
+
+My front-window looked out upon a long, straggling, ill-paved street,
+with its due proportion of mud-heaps, and duck pools; the houses on
+either side were, for the most part, dingy-looking edifices, with
+half-doors, and such pretension to being shops as a quart of meal, or
+salt, displayed in the window, confers; or sometimes two tobacco-pipes,
+placed "saltier-wise," would appear the only vendible article in the
+establishment.  A more wretched, gloomy-looking picture of woe-begone
+poverty, I never beheld.
+
+If I turned for consolation to the back of the house, my eyes fell upon
+the dirty yard of a dirty inn; the half-thatched cow-shed, where two
+famished animals mourned their hard fate,--"chewing the cud of sweet and
+bitter fancy;" the chaise, the yellow post-chaise, once the pride and
+glory of the establishment, now stood reduced from its wheels, and
+ignominiously degraded to a hen-house; on the grass-grown roof a cock had
+taken his stand, with an air of protective patronage to the feathered
+inhabitants beneath:
+
+               "To what base uses must we come at last."
+
+That chaise, which once had conveyed the blooming bride, all blushes and
+tenderness, and the happy groom, on their honeymoon visit to Ballybunion
+and its romantic caves, or to the gigantic cliffs and sea-girt shores of
+Moher--or with more steady pace and becoming gravity had borne along the
+"going judge of assize,"--was now become a lying-in hospital for fowl,
+and a nursery for chickens.  Fallen as I was myself from my high estate,
+it afforded me a species of malicious satisfaction to contemplate these
+sad reverses of fortune; and I verily believe--for on such slight
+foundation our greatest resolves are built--that if the rain had
+continued a week longer, I should have become a misanthropist for life.
+I made many inquiries from my landlady as to the society of the place,
+but the answers I received only led to greater despondence.  My
+predecessor here, it seemed, had been an officer of a veteran battalion,
+with a wife, and that amount of children which is algebraically expressed
+by an X (meaning an unknown quantity).  He, good man, in his two years'
+sojourn here, had been much more solicitous about his own affairs, than
+making acquaintance with his neighbours; and at last, the few persons who
+had been in the habit of calling on "the officer," gave up the practice;
+and as there were no young ladies to refresh Pa's memory on the matter,
+they soon forgot completely that such a person existed--and to this happy
+oblivion I, Harry Lorrequer, succeeded, and was thus left without benefit
+of clergy to the tender mercies of Mrs. Healy of the Burton arms.
+
+As during the inundation which deluged the whole country around I was
+unable to stir from the house, I enjoyed abundant opportunity of
+cultivating the acquaintance of my hostess, and it is but fair that my
+reader, who has journeyed so far with me, should have an introduction.
+
+Mrs. Healy, the sole proprietor of the "Burton Arms," was of some five
+and fifty--"or by'r lady," three score years, of a rubicund and hale
+complexion; and though her short neck and corpulent figure might have set
+her down as "doubly hazardous," she looked a good life for many years to
+come.  In height and breadth she most nearly resembled a sugar-hogshead,
+whose rolling, pitching motion, when trundled along on edge, she emulated
+in her gait.  To the ungainliness of her figure her mode of dressing not
+a little contributed.  She usually wore a thick linsey-wolsey gown, with
+enormous pockets on either side, and, like Nora Creina's, it certainly
+inflicted no undue restrictions upon her charms, but left
+
+                   "Every beauty free,
+                    To sink or swell as heaven pleases."
+
+Her feet--ye gods! Such feet--were apparelled in listing slippers, over
+which the upholstery of her ancles descended, and completely relieved the
+mind of the spectator as to the superincumbent weight being
+disproportioned to the support; I remember well my first impression on
+seeing those feet and ancles reposing upon a straw footstool, while she
+took her afternoon dose, and I wondered within myself if elephants were
+liable to the gout.  There are few countenances in the world, that if
+wishing to convey an idea of, we cannot refer to some well-known
+standard; and thus nothing is more common than to hear comparisons with
+"Vulcan--Venus--Nicodemus," and the like; but in the present case, I am
+totally at a loss for any thing resembling the face of the worth Mrs.
+Healy, except it be, perhaps, that most ancient and sour visage we used
+to see upon old circular iron rappers formerly--they make none of them
+now--the only difference being, that Mrs. Healy's nose had no ring
+through it; I am almost tempted to add, "more's the pity."
+
+Such was she in "the flesh;" would that I could say, she was more
+fascinating in the "spirit!" but alas, truth, from which I never may
+depart in these "my confessions," constrains me to acknowledge the
+reverse.  Most persons in this miserable world of ours, have some
+prevailing, predominating characteristic, which usually gives the tone
+and colour to all their thoughts and actions, forming what we denominate
+temperament; this we see actuating them, now more, now less; but rarely,
+however, is this great spring of action without its moments of repose.
+Not so with her of whom I have been speaking.  She had but one passion
+--but, like Aaron's rod, it had a most consuming tendency--and that was to
+scold, and abuse, all whom hard fate had brought within the unfortunate
+limits of her tyranny.  The English language, comprehensive as it is,
+afforded not epithets strong enough for her wrath, and she sought among
+the more classic beauties of her native Irish, such additional ones as
+served her need, and with this holy alliance of tongues, she had been for
+years long, the dread and terror of the entire village.
+
+"The dawning of morn, the day-light sinking," ay, and even the "night's
+dull hours," it was said, too, found her labouring in her congenial
+occupation; and while thus she continued to "scold and grow fat," her
+inn, once a popular and frequented one, became gradually less and less
+frequented, and the dragon of the Rhine-fells did not more effectually
+lay waste the territory about him, than did the evil influence of her
+tongue spread desolation and ruin around her.  Her inn, at the time of my
+visit, had not been troubled with even a passing traveller for many
+months; and, indeed, if I had any, even the least foreknowledge of the
+character of my hostess, its privacy should have still remained uninvaded
+for some time longer.
+
+I had not been many hours installed, when I got a specimen of her powers;
+and before the first week was over, so constant and unremitting were her
+labours in this way, that I have upon the occasion of a slight lull in
+the storm, occasioned by her falling asleep, actually left my room to
+inquire if anything had gone wrong, in the same was as the miller is said
+to awake, if the mill stops.  I trust I have said enough, to move the
+reader's pity and compassion for my situation--one more miserable it is
+difficult to conceive.  It may be though that much might be done by
+management, and that a slight exercise of the favourite Whig plan of
+concilliation, might avail.  Nothing of the kind.  She was proof against
+all such arts; and what was still worse, there was no subject, no
+possible circumstance, no matter, past, present, or to come, that she
+could not wind by her diabolical ingenuity, into some cause of offence;
+and then came the quick transition to instant punishment.  Thus, my
+apparently harmless inquiry as to the society of the neighbourhood,
+suggested to her--a wish on my part to make acquaintance--therefore to
+dine out--therefore not to dine at home--consequently to escape paying
+half-a-crown and devouring a chicken--therefore to defraud her, and
+behave, as she would herself observe, "like a beggarly scullion, with his
+four shillings a day, setting up for a gentleman," &c.
+
+By a quiet and Job-like endurance of all manner of taunting suspicions,
+and unmerited sarcasms, to which I daily became more reconciled, I
+absolutely rose into something like favour; and before the first month of
+my banishment expired, had got the length of an invitation to tea, in her
+own snuggery--an honour never known to be bestowed on any before, with
+the exception of Father Malachi Brennan, her ghostly adviser; and even
+he, it is said, never ventured on such an approximation to intimacy,
+until he was, in Kilrush phrase, "half screwed," thereby meaning more
+than half tipsy.  From time to time thus, I learned from my hostess such
+particulars of the country and its inhabitants as I was desirous of
+hearing; and among other matters, she gave me an account of the great
+landed proprietor himself, Lord Callonby, who was daily expected at his
+seat, within some miles of Kilrush, at the same time assuring me that I
+need not be looking so "pleased and curling out my whiskers;" "that
+they'd never take the trouble of asking even the name of me."  This,
+though neither very courteous, nor altogether flattering to listen to,
+was no more than I had already learned from some brother officers who
+knew this quarter, and who informed me that the Earl of Callonby, though
+only visiting his Irish estates every three or four years, never took the
+slightest notice of any of the military in his neighbourhood; nor, indeed
+did he mix with the country gentry, confining himself to his own family,
+or the guests, who usually accompanied him from England, and remained
+during his few weeks' stay.  My impression of his lordship was therefore
+not calculated to cheer my solitude by any prospect of his rendering it
+lighter.
+
+The Earl's family consisted of her ladyship, an only son, nearly of age,
+and two daughters; the eldest, Lady Jane, had the reputation of being
+extremely beautiful; and I remembered when she came out in London, only
+the year before, hearing nothing but praises of the grace and elegance of
+her manner, united to the most classic beauty of her face and figure.
+The second daughter was some years younger, and said to be also very
+handsome; but as yet she had not been brought into society.  Of the son,
+Lord Kilkee, I only heard that he had been a very gay fellow at Oxford,
+where he was much liked, and although not particularly studious, had
+given evidence of talent.
+
+Such were the few particulars I obtained of my neighbours, and thus
+little did I know of those who were so soon to exercise a most important
+influence upon my future life.
+
+After some weeks' close confinement, which, judging from my feelings
+alone, I should have counted as many years, I eagerly seized the
+opportunity of the first glimpse of sunshine to make a short excursion
+along the coast; I started early in the morning, and after a long stroll
+along the bold headlands of Kilkee, was returning late in the evening to
+my lodgings.  My path lay across a wild, bleak moor, dotted with low
+clumps of furze, and not presenting on any side the least trace of
+habitation.  In wading through the tangled bushes, my dog "Mouche"
+started a hare; and after a run "sharp, short, and decisive," killed it
+at the bottom of a little glen some hundred yards off.
+
+I was just patting my dog, and examining the prize, when I heard a
+crackling among the low bushes near me; and on looking up, perceived,
+about twenty paces distant, a short, thick-set man, whose fustian jacket
+and leathern gaiters at once pronounced him the gamekeeper; he stood
+leaning upon his gun, quietly awaiting, as it seemed, for any movement on
+my part, before he interfered.  With one glance I detected how matters
+stood, and immediately adopting my usual policy of "taking the bull by
+the horns," called out, in a tone of very sufficient authority,
+
+"I say, my man, are you his lordship's gamekeeper?"
+
+Taking off his hat, the man approached me, and very respectfully informed
+me that he was.
+
+"Well then," said I, "present this hare to his lordship with my respects;
+here is my card, and say I shall be most happy to wait on him in the
+morning, and explain the circumstance."
+
+The man took the card, and seemed for some moments undecided how to act;
+he seemed to think that probably he might be ill-treating a friend of his
+lordship's if he refused; and on the other hand might be merely
+"jockeyed" by some bold-faced poacher.  Meanwhile I whistled my dog close
+up, and humming an air, with great appearance of indifference, stepped
+out homeward.  By this piece of presence of mind I saved poor "Mouche;"
+for I saw at a glance, that, with true gamekeeper's law, he had been
+destined to death the moment he had committed the offence.
+
+The following morning, as I sat at breakfast, meditating upon the events
+of the preceding day, and not exactly determined how to act, whether to
+write to his lordship explaining how the matter occurred, or call
+personally, a loud rattling on the pavement drew me to the window.  As
+the house stood at the end of a street, I could not see in the direction
+the noise came; but as I listened, a very handsome tandem turned the
+corner of the narrow street, and came along towards the hotel at a long,
+sling trot; the horses were dark chestnuts, well matched, and shewing a
+deal of blood.  The carriage was a dark drab, with black wheels; the
+harness all of the same colour.  The whole turn-out--and I was an amateur
+of that sort of thing--was perfect; the driver, for I come to him last,
+as he was the last I looked at, was a fashionable looking young fellow,
+plainly, but knowingly, dressed, and evidently handling the "ribbon,"
+like an experienced whip.
+
+After bringing his nags up to the inn door in very pretty style, he gave
+the reins to his servant, and got down.  Before I was well aware of it,
+the door of my room opened, and the gentleman entered with a certain easy
+air of good breeding, and saying,
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer, I presume--" introduced himself as Lord Kilkee.
+
+I immediately opened the conversation by an apology for my dog's
+misconduct on the day before, and assured his lordship that I knew the
+value of a hare in a hunting country, and was really sorry for the
+circumstance.
+
+"Then I must say," replied his lordship, "Mr. Lorrequer is the only
+person who regrets the matter; for had it not been for this, it is more
+than probable we should never have known we were so near neighbours; in
+fact, nothing could equal our amazement at hearing you were playing the
+'Solitaire' down here.  You must have found it dreadfully heavy, 'and have
+thought us downright savages.'  But then I must explain to you, that my
+father has made some 'rule absolute' about visiting when down here.  And
+though I know you'll not consider it a compliment, yet I can assure you
+there is not another man I know of he would pay attention to, but
+yourself.  He made two efforts to get here this morning, but the gout
+'would not be denied,' and so he deputed a most inferior 'diplomate;' and
+now will you let me return with some character from my first mission, and
+inform my friends that you will dine with us to-day at seven--a mere
+family party; but make your arrangements to stop all night and to-morrow:
+we shall find some work for my friend there on the hearth; what do you
+call him, Mr. Lorrequer?"
+
+"'Mouche'--come here, 'Mouche.'"
+
+"Ah 'Mouche,' come here, my fine fellow--a splendid dog, indeed; very
+tall for a thorough-bred; and now you'll not forget, seven, 'temps
+militaire,' and so, sans adieu."
+
+And with these words his lordship shook me heartily by the hand; and
+before two minutes had elapsed, had wrapped his box-coat once more across
+him, and was round the corner.
+
+I looked for a few moments on the again silent street, and was almost
+tempted to believe I was in a dream, so rapidly had the preceding moments
+passed over; and so surprised was I to find that the proud Earl of
+Callonby, who never did the "civil thing" any where, should think proper
+to pay attention to a poor sub in a marching regiment, whose only claim
+on his acquaintance was the suspicion of poaching on his manor.  I
+repeated over and over all his lordship's most polite speeches, trying to
+solve the mystery of them; but in vain: a thousand explanations occurred,
+but none of them I felt at all satisfactory; that there was some mystery
+somewhere, I had no doubt; for I remarked all through that Lord Kilkee
+laid some stress upon my identity, and even seemed surprised at my being
+is such banishment.  "Oh," thought I at last, "his lordship is about to
+get up private theatricals, and has seen my Captain Absolute, or perhaps
+my Hamlet"--I could not say "Othello" even to myself--"and is anxious to
+get 'such unrivalled talent' even 'for one night only.'"
+
+After many guesses this seemed the nearest I could think of; and by the
+time I had finished my dressing for dinner, it was quite clear to me I
+had solved all the secret of his lordship's attentions.
+
+The road to "Callonby" was beautiful beyond any thing I had ever seen in
+Ireland.  For upwards of two miles it led along the margin of the lofty
+cliffs of Moher, now jutting out into bold promontories, and again
+retreating, and forming small bays and mimic harbours, into which the
+heavy swell of the broad Atlantic was rolling its deep blue tide.  The
+evening was perfectly calm, and at a little distance from the shore the
+surface of the sea was without a ripple.  The only sound breaking the
+solemn stillness of the hour, was the heavy plash of the waves, as in
+minute peals they rolled in upon the pebbly beach, and brought back with
+them at each retreat, some of the larger and smoother stones, whose
+noise, as they fell back into old ocean's bed, mingled with the din of
+the breaking surf.  In one of the many little bays I passed, lay three or
+four fishing smacks.  The sails were drying, and flapped lazily against
+the mast.  I could see the figures of the men as they passed backwards and
+forwards upon the decks, and although the height was nearly eight hundred
+feet, could hear their voices quite distinctly.  Upon the golden strand,
+which was still marked with a deeper tint, where the tide had washed,
+stood a little white cottage of some fisherman--at least, so the net
+before the door bespoke it.  Around it, stood some children, whose merry
+voices and laughing tones sometimes reached me where I was standing.  I
+could not but think, as I looked down from my lofty eyrie, upon that
+little group of boats, and that lone hut, how much of the "world" to the
+humble dweller beneath, lay in that secluded and narrow bay.  There, the
+deep sea, where their days were passed in "storm or sunshine,"--there,
+the humble home, where at night they rested, and around whose hearth lay
+all their cares and all their joys.  How far, how very far removed from
+the busy haunts of men, and all the struggles and contentions of the
+ambitious world; and yet, how short-sighted to suppose that even they had
+not their griefs and sorrows, and that their humble lot was devoid of the
+inheritance of those woes, which all are heirs to.
+
+I turned reluctantly, from the sea-shore to enter the gate of the park,
+and my path in a few moments was as completely screened from all prospect
+of the sea, as though it had lain miles inland.  An avenue of tall and
+ancient lime trees, so dense in their shadows as nearly to conceal the
+road beneath, led for above a mile through a beautiful lawn, whose
+surface, gently undulating, and studded with young clumps, was dotted
+over with sheep.  At length, descending by a very steep road, I reached a
+beautiful little stream, over which a rustic bridge was thrown.  As I
+looked down upon the rippling stream beneath, on the surface of which the
+dusky evening flies were dipping, I made a resolve, if I prospered in his
+lordship's good graces, to devote a day to the "angle" there, before I
+left the country.  It was now growing late, and remember Lord Kilkee's
+intimation of "sharp seven," I threw my reins over my cob, "Sir Roger's"
+neck, (for I had hitherto been walking,) and cantered up the steep hill
+before me.  When I reached the top, I found myself upon a broad table
+land, encircled by old and well-grown timber, and at a distance, most
+tastefully half concealed by ornamental planting, I could catch some
+glimpse of Callonby.  Before, however, I had time to look about me, I
+heard the tramp of horses' feet behind, and in another moment two ladies
+dashed up the steep behind, and came towards me, at a smart gallop,
+followed by a groom, who, neither himself nor his horse, seemed to relish
+the pace of his fair mistresses.  I moved off the road into the grass to
+permit them to pass; but no sooner had they got abreast of me, than Sir
+Roger, anxious for a fair start, flung up both heels at once, pricked up
+his ears, and with a plunge that very nearly threw me from the saddle,
+set off at top speed.  My first thought was for the ladies beside me,
+and, to my utter horror, I now saw them coming along in full gallop; their
+horses had got off the road, and were, to my thinking, become quite
+unmanageable.  I endeavoured to pull up, but all in vain.  Sir Roger had
+got the bit between his teeth, a favourite trick of his, and I was
+perfectly powerless to hold him by this time, they being mounted on
+thoroughbreds, got a full neck before me, and the pace was now
+tremendous, on we all came, each horse at his utmost stretch; they were
+evidently gaining from the better stride of their cattle, and will it be
+believed, or shall I venture to acknowledge it in these my confessions,
+that I, who a moment before, would have given my best chance of
+promotion, to be able to pull in my horse, would now have "pledged my
+dukedom" to be able to give Sir Roger one cut of the whip unobserved.  I
+leave it to the wise to decipher the rationale, but such is the fact.  It
+was complete steeple-chasing, and my blood was up.
+
+On we came, and I now perceived that about two hundred yards before me
+stood an iron gate and piers, without any hedge or wall on either side;
+before I could conjecture the meaning of so strange a thing in the midst
+of a large lawn, I saw the foremost horse, now two or three lengths
+before the other, still in advance of me, take two or three short
+strides, and fly about eight feet over a sunk fence--the second followed
+in the same style, the riders sitting as steadily as in the gallop.  It
+was now my turn, and I confess, as I neared the dyke, I heartily wished
+myself well over it, for the very possibility of a "mistake" was
+maddening.  Sir Roger came on at a slapping pace, and when within two
+yards of the brink, rose to it, and cleared it like a deer.  By the time
+I had accomplished this feat, not the less to my satisfaction, that both
+ladies had turned in the saddles to watch me, they were already far in
+advance; they held on still at the same pace, round a small copse which
+concealed them an instant from my view, and which, when I passed, I
+perceived that they had just reached the hall door, and were dismounting.
+
+On the steps stood a tall, elderly-looking, gentleman-like person, who I
+rightly conjectured was his lordship.  I heard him laughing heartily as I
+came up.  I at last succeeded in getting Sir Roger to a canter, and when
+about twenty yards from where the group were standing, sprung off, and
+hastened up to make my apologies as I best might, for my unfortunate
+runaway.  I was fortunately spared this awkwardness of an explanation,
+for his lordship, approaching me with his hand extended, said--
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer is most welcome at Callonby.  I cannot be mistaken, I am
+sure--I have the pleasure of addressing the nephew of my old friend, Sir
+Guy Lorrequer of Elton.  I am indeed most happy to see you, and not the
+less so, that you are safe and sound, which, five minutes since, I assure
+you I had my fears for--"
+
+Before I could assure his lordship that my fears were all for my
+competitors in the race--for such in reality they were--he introduced me
+to the two ladies, who were still standing beside him--"Lady Jane
+Callonby; Mr. Lorrequer; Lady Catherine."
+
+"Which of you, young ladies, may I ask, planned this escapade, for I see
+by your looks, it was no accident?"
+
+"I think, papa," said Lady Jane, "you must question Mr. Lorrequer on that
+head; he certainly started first."
+
+"I confess, indeed," said I, "such was the case."
+
+"Well, you must confess, too, you were distanced," said Lady Jane, at the
+same time, most terribly provoked, to be quizzed on such a matter; that
+I, a steeple-chase horseman of the first water, should be twitted by a
+couple of young ladies, on the score of a most manly exercise.  "But
+come," said his lordship, "the first bell has rung long since, and I am
+longing to ask Mr. Lorrequer all about my old college friend of forty
+years ago.  So, ladies, hasten your toilet, I beseech you."
+
+With these words, his lordship, taking my arm, led me into the
+drawing-room, where we had not been many minutes till we were joined
+by her ladyship, a tall stately handsome woman, of a certain age;
+resolutely bent upon being both young and beautiful, in spite of time
+and wrinkles; her reception of me, though not possessing the frankness
+of his lordship, was still very polite, and intended to be even
+gracious.  I now found by the reiterated inquiries for my old uncle, Sir
+Guy, that he it was, and not Hamlet, to whom I owed my present notice,
+and I must include it among my confessions, that it was about the first
+advantage I ever derived from the relationship.  After half an hour's
+agreeable chatting, the ladies entered, and then I had time to remark
+the extreme beauty of their appearance; they were both wonderfully like,
+and except that Lady Jane was taller and more womanly, it would have
+been almost impossible to discriminate between them.
+
+Lady Jane Callonby was then about twenty years of age, rather above the
+middle size, and slightly disposed towards embonpoint; her eye was of the
+deepest and most liquid blue, and rendered apparently darker, by long
+lashes of the blackest jet--for such was the colour of her hair; her nose
+slightly, but slightly, deviated from the straightness of the Greek, and
+her upper lip was faultless, as were her mouth and chin; the whole lower
+part of the face, from the perfect "chiselling," and from the character
+of her head, had certainly a great air of hauteur, but the extreme
+melting softness of her eyes took from this, and when she spoke, there
+was a quiet earnestness in her mild and musical voice, that disarmed you
+at once of connecting the idea of self with the speaker; the word
+"fascinating," more than any other I know of, conveys the effect of her
+appearance, and to produce it, she had more than any other woman I ever
+met, that wonderful gift, the "l'art de plaire."
+
+I was roused from my perhaps too earnest, because unconscious gaze, at
+the lovely figure before me, by his Lordship saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, her
+Ladyship is waiting for you."  I accordingly bowed, and, offering my arm,
+led her into the dinner-room.  And here I draw rein for the present,
+reserving for my next chapter--My Adventure at Callonby.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III.
+
+LIFE AT CALLONBY--LOVE-MAKING--MISS O'DOWD'S ADVENTURE.
+
+My first evening at Callonby passed off as nearly all first evenings do
+every where.  His lordship was most agreeable, talked much of my uncle,
+Sir Guy, whose fag he had been at Eton half a century before, promised me
+some capital shooting in his preserves, discussed the state of politics;
+and, as the second decanter of port "waned apace," grew wondrous
+confidential, and told me of his intention to start his son for the
+county at the next general election, such being the object which had
+now conferred the honour of his presence on his Irish estates.
+
+Her ladyship was most condescendingly civil, vouchsafed much tender
+commiseration for my "exile," as she termed my quarters in Kilrush;
+wondered how I could possibly exist in a marching regiment, (who had
+never been in the cavalry in my life!)  Spoke quite feelingly on my
+kindness in joining their stupid family party, for they were living, to
+use her own phrase, "like hermits;" and wound up all by a playful
+assurance that as she perceived, from all my answers, that I was bent on
+preserving a strict incognito, she would tell no tales about me on her
+return to "Town."  Now, it may readily be believed, that all this, and
+many more of her ladyship's allusions, were a "Chaldee manuscript" to me;
+that she knew certain facts of my family and relations, was certain; but
+that she had interwoven in the humble web of my history, a very pretty
+embroidery of fiction was equally so; and while she thus ran on, with
+innumerable allusions to Lady Marys and Lord Johns, who she pretended to
+suppose were dying to hear from me, I could not help muttering to myself
+with good Christopher Sly, "And all this be true--then Lord be thanked
+for my good amends;" for up to that moment I was an ungrateful man for
+all this high and noble solicitude.  One dark doubt shot for an instant
+across my brain.  Maybe her ladyship had "registered a vow" never to
+syllable a name unchronicled by Debrett, or was actually only mystifying
+me for mere amusement.  A minute's consideration dispelled this fear;
+for I found myself treated "en Seigneur" by the whole family.  As for
+the daughters of the house, nothing could possibly be more engaging than
+their manner.  The eldest, Lady Jane, was pleased from my near
+relationship to her father's oldest friend to receive me, "from the
+first," on the most friendly footing; while, with the younger, Lady
+Catherine, from her being less 'maniere' than her sister, my progress was
+even greater; and thus, before we separated for the night, I contrived to
+"take up my position" in such a fashion, as to be already looked upon as
+one of the family party, to which object, Lord and indeed Lady Callonby
+seemed most willing to contribute, and made me promise to spend the
+entire of the following day at Callonby, and as many of the succeeding
+ones as my military duties would permit.
+
+As his lordship was wishing me "good night" at the door of the
+drawing-room, he said, in a half whisper,
+
+"We were ignorant yesterday, Mr. Lorrequer, how soon we should have had
+the pleasure of seeing you here; and you are therefore condemned to a
+small room off the library, it being the only one we can insure you as
+being well aired.  I must therefore apprize you that you are not to be
+shocked at finding yourself surrounded by every member of my family,
+hung up in frames around you.  But as the room is usually my own
+snuggery, I have resigned it without any alteration whatever."
+
+The apartment for which his lordship had so strongly apologized, stood in
+very pleasing contrast to my late one in Kilrush.  The soft Persian
+carpet, on which one's feet sank to the very ankles; the brightly
+polished dogs, upon which a blazing wood fire burned; the well
+upholstered fauteuils which seemed to invite sleep without the trouble of
+lying down for it; and last of all, the ample and luxurious bed, upon
+whose rich purple hangings the ruddy glare of the fire threw a most
+mellow light, was all a pleasing exchange for the "garniture" of the
+"Hotel Healy."
+
+"Certes, Harry Lorrequer," said I, as I threw myself upon a small ottoman
+before the fire in all the slippered ease, and abandon of a man who has
+changed a dress-coat for a morning-gown; "Certes, thou art destined for
+great things; even here, where fate had seemed 'to do its worst' to thee,
+a little paradise opens, and what, to ordinary mortals had proved but a
+'flat, stale, and most unprofitable' quarter, presents to thee all the
+accumulated delight of a hospitable mansion, a kind, almost friendly,
+host, a condescending Madame Mere, and daughters too!  Ah ye Gods!  But
+what is this;" and here, for the first time, lifting up my eyes, I
+perceived a beautiful water-colour drawing in the style of "Chalon,"
+which was placed above the chimney-piece.  I rose at once, and taking a
+candle, proceeded to examine it more minutely.  It was a portrait of Lady
+Jane, a full-length too, and wonderfully like; there was more complexion,
+and perhaps more roundness in the figure than her present appearance
+would justify; but if any thing was gained in brilliancy, it was
+certainly lost in point of expression; and I infinitely preferred her
+pale, but beautifully fair countenance, to the rosy cheek of the picture;
+the figure was faultless; the same easy grace, the result of perfect
+symmetry and refinement together, which only one in a thousand of even
+handsome girls possess, was pourtrayed to the life.  The more I looked,
+the more I felt charmed with it.  Never had I seen any thing so truly
+characteristic as this sketch, for it was scarcely more.  It was after
+nearly an hour's quiet contemplation, that I began to remember the
+lateness of the night; an hour, in which my thoughts had rambled from the
+lovely object before me, to wonder at the situation in which I found
+myself placed; for there was so much of "empressement" towards me, in the
+manner of every member of the family, coupled with certain mistakes as to
+my habits and acquaintances, as left me perfectly unable to unravel the
+mystery which so evidently surrounded me.  "Perhaps," thought I, "Sir Guy
+has written in my behalf to his lordship.  Oh, he would never do any
+thing half so civil.  Well, to be sure, I shall astonish them at head
+quarters; they'll not believe this.  I wonder if Lady Jane saw my
+'Hamlet;' for they landed in Cork from Bristol about that time.  She is
+indeed a most beautiful girl.  I wish I were a marquis, if it were only
+for her sake.  Well, my Lord Callonby, you may be a very wise man in the
+House of Lords; but, I would just ask, is it exactly prudent to introduce
+into your family on terms of such perfect intimacy, a young, fascinating,
+well-looking fellow, of four-and-twenty, albeit only a subaltern, with
+two such daughters as you have?  Peut etre!  One thing is certain--I have
+no cause of complaint; and so, good night, Lady Jane"--and with those
+words I fell asleep, to dream of the deepest blue eyes, and the most
+melting tones that ever reduced a poor lieutenant in a marching regiment
+to curse his fate, that he could not call the Commander of the Forces his
+father.
+
+When I descended to the breakfast-room, I found the whole family
+assembled in a group around Lord Kilkee, who had just returned from a
+distant part of the county, where he had been canvassing the electors,
+and spouting patriotism the day before.  He was giving an account of his
+progress with much spirit and humour as I entered, but, on seeing me,
+immediately came forward, and shook hands with me like an old
+acquaintance.  By Lord Callonby and the ladies I was welcomed also
+with much courtesy and kindness, and some slight badinage passed upon my
+sleeping, in what Lord Kilkee called the "Picture Gallery," which, for
+all I knew to the contrary, contained but one fair portrait.  I am not a
+believer in Mesmer; but certainly there must have been some influence at
+work--very like what we hear of "magnetism"--for before the breakfast was
+concluded, there seemed at once to spring up a perfect understanding
+between this family and myself, which made me feel as much 'chez moi',
+as I had ever done in my life; and from that hour I may date an intimacy
+which every succeeding day but served to increase.
+
+After breakfast Lord Callonby consigned me to the guidance of his son,
+and we sallied forth to deal destruction amongst the pheasants, with
+which the preserves were stocked; and here I may observe, 'en passant',
+that with the single exception of fox-hunting, which was ever a passion
+with me, I never could understand that inveterate pursuit of game to
+which some men devote themselves--thus, grouse-shooting, and its
+attendant pleasures, of stumping over a boggy mountain from day-light
+till dark, never had much attraction for me; and, as to the delights of
+widgeon and wild-duck shooting, when purchased by sitting up all night in
+a barrel, with your eye to the bung, I'll none of it--no, no! Give me
+shooting or angling merely as a divertimento, a pleasant interlude
+between breakfast and luncheon-time, when, consigning your Manton to a
+corner, and the game keeper "to the dogs," you once more humanize your
+costume to take a canter with the daughters of the house; or, if the day
+look loweringly, a match of billiards with the men.
+
+I have ever found that the happiest portions of existence are the most
+difficult to chronicle.  We may--nay, we must, impart our miseries and
+annoyances to our many "dear friends," whose forte is sympathy or
+consolation--and all men are eloquent on the subject of their woes; not
+so with their joys: some have a miser-like pleasure in hoarding them up
+for their own private gratification; others--and they are prudent--feel
+that the narrative is scarcely agreeable even to their best friends; and
+a few, of whom I confess myself one, are content to be happy without
+knowing why, and to have pleasant souvenirs, without being able to
+explain them.
+
+Such must be my apology for not more minutely entering upon an account of
+my life at Callonby.  A fortnight had now seen me 'enfonce', the daily
+companion of two beautiful girls in all their walks and rides, through a
+romantic, unfrequented country, seeing but little of the other members of
+the family; the gentlemen being entirely occupied by their election
+tactics, and Lady Callonby being a late riser, seldom appeared before the
+dinner hour.  There was not a cliff upon the bold and rocky coast we did
+not climb, not a cave upon the pebbly beach unvisited; sometimes my fair
+companions would bring a volume of Metastasio down to the little river
+where I used to angle; and the "gentle craft" was often abandoned for the
+heart-thrilling verses of that delightful poet.  Yes, many years have
+passed over, and these scenes are still as fresh in my memory as though
+they had been of yesterday.  In my memory, I say, as for thee
+
+                         "Qui sa si te
+                          Ti sovrerai di me."
+
+At the end of three weeks the house became full of company, from the
+garret to the cellar.  Country gentlemen and their wives and daughters
+came pouring in, on every species of conveyance known since the flood;
+family coaches, which, but for their yellow panels, might have been
+mistaken for hearses, and high barouches, the "entree" to which was
+accomplished by a step-ladder, followed each other in what appeared a
+never-ending succession; and here I may note an instance of the anomalous
+character of the conveyances, from an incident to which I was a witness
+at the time.
+
+Among the visitors on the second day came a maiden lady from the
+neighbourhood of Ennistimon, Miss Elizabeth O'Dowd, the last of a very
+old and highly respectable family in the county, and whose extensive
+property, thickly studded with freeholders, was a strong reason for her
+being paid every attention in Lord Callonby's power to bestow; Miss Betty
+O'Dowd--for so she was generally styled--was the very personification of
+an old maid; stiff as a ramrod, and so rigid in observance of the
+proprieties of female conduct, that in the estimation of the Clare
+gentry, Diana was a hoyden compared to her.
+
+Miss Betty lived, as I have said, near Ennistimon, and the road from
+thence to Callonby at the time I speak of--it was before Mr. Nimmo--was a
+like the bed of a mountain torrent as a respectable highway; there were
+holes that would have made a grave for any maiden lady within fifty
+miles; and rocks thickly scattered, enough to prove fatal to the
+strongest wheels that ever issued from "Hutton's."  Miss O'Dowd knew this
+well; she had upon one occasion been upset in travelling it--and a
+slate-coloured silk dress bore the dye of every species of mud and mire
+to be found there, for many a year after, to remind her of her
+misfortune, and keep open the wound of her sorrow.  When, therefore, the
+invitation to Callonby arrived, a grave council of war was summoned, to
+deliberate upon the mode of transit, for the honour could not be
+declined, "coute qui coute."  The chariot was out of the question;
+Nicholas declared it would never reach the "Moraan Beg," as the first
+precipice was called; the inside car was long since pronounced unfit for
+hazardous enterprise; and the only resource left, was what is called in
+Hibernian parlance, a "low-backed car," that is, a car without any back
+whatever; it being neither more nor less than the common agricultural
+conveyance of the country, upon which, a feather bed being laid, the
+farmers' wives and daughters are generally conveyed to fairs, wakes, and
+stations, &c.  Putting her dignity, if not in her pocket, at least
+wherever it could be most easily accommodated, Miss O'Dowd placed her
+fair self, in all the plenitude of her charms and the grandeur of a
+"bran new green silk," a "little off the grass, and on the bottle,"
+(I love to be particular,) upon this humble voiture, and set out on her
+way, if not "rejoicing," at least consoled by Nicholas, that "It 'id be
+black dark when they reached the house, and the devil a one 'id be the
+wiser than if she came in a coach and four." Nicholas was right; it was
+perfectly dark on their arrival at Callonby, and Miss O'Dowd having
+dismounted, and shook her plumage, a little crumpled by her
+half-recumbent position for eight miles, appeared in the drawing-room,
+to receive the most courteous attentions from Lady Callonby, and from
+his lordship the most flattering speeches for her kindness in risking
+herself and bringing her horses on such a dreadful road, and assured her
+of his getting a presentment the very next assizes to repair it; "For we
+intend, Miss O'Dowd," said he, "to be most troublesome neighbours to you
+in future."
+
+The evening passed off most happily.  Miss O'Dowd was delighted with her
+hosts, whose character she resolved to maintain in spite of their
+reputation for pride and haughtiness.  Lady Jane sang an Irish melody for
+her, Lady Callonby gave her slips of a rose geranium she got from the
+Princess Augusta, and Lord Kilkee won her heart by the performance of
+that most graceful step 'yclept "cover the buckle" in an Irish jig.  But,
+alas!  how short-lived is human bliss, for while this estimable lady
+revelled in the full enjoyment of the hour, the sword of Damocles hung
+suspended above her head; in plain English, she had, on arriving at
+Callonby, to prevent any unnecessary scrutiny into the nature of her
+conveyance, ordered Nicholas to be at the door punctually at eleven; and
+then to take an opportunity of quietly slipping open the drawing-room
+door, and giving her an intimation of it, that she might take her leave
+at once.  Nicholas was up to time, and having disposed the conveyance
+under the shadow of the porch, made his way to the door of the
+drawing-room unseen and unobserved.  He opened it gently and
+noiselessly, merely sufficient to take a survey of the apartment, in
+which, from the glare of the lights, and the busy hum of voices, he was
+so bewildered that it was some minutes before he recognized his
+mistress.  At last he perceived her; she was seated at a card-table,
+playing whist with Lord Callonby for her partner.  Who the other players
+were, he knew not.  A proud man was Nicholas, as he saw his mistress
+thus placed, actually sitting, as he afterwards expressed it, "forenint
+the Lord," but his thoughts were bent on other matters, and it was no
+time to indulge his vauntings.
+
+He strove for some time patiently, to catch her eye, for she was so
+situated as to permit of this, but without success.  He then made a
+slight attempt to attract her attention by beckoning with his finger; all
+in vain.  "Oh murther," said he, "what is this for?  I'll have to spake
+afther all."
+
+"Four by honours," said his lordship, "and the odd trick.  Another
+double, I believe, Miss O'Dowd."
+
+Miss O'Dowd nodded a graceful assent, while a sharp-looking old dowager
+at the side of the table called out, "a rubber of four on, my Lord;" and
+now began an explanation from the whole party at once.  Nicholas saw this
+was his time, and thought that in the melee, his hint might reach his
+mistress unobserved by the remainder of the company.  He accordingly
+protruded his head into the room, and placing his finger upon the side of
+his nose, and shutting one eye knowingly, with an air of great secrecy,
+whispered out, "Miss Betty--Miss Betty, alanah!"  For some minutes the
+hum of the voices drowned his admonitions--but as, by degrees waxing
+warmer in the cause, he called out more loudly,--every eye was turned to
+the spot from whence these extraordinary sounds proceeded; and certainly
+the appearance of Nicholas at the moment was well calculated to astonish
+the "elegans" of a drawing room.  With his one eye fixed eagerly in the
+direction of his mistress, his red scratch wig pushed back off his
+forehead, in the eagerness of his endeavour to be heard, there he stood,
+perfectly unmindful of all around, save Miss O'Dowd herself.  It may well
+be believed, that such an apparition could not be witnessed with gravity,
+and, accordingly a general titter ran through the room, the whist party
+still contending about odd tricks and honours, being the only persons
+insensible to the mirth around them--"Miss Betty, arrah, Miss Betty,"
+said Nicholas with a sigh that converted the subdued laughter of the
+guests into a perfect burst of mirth.
+
+"Eh," said his lordship, turning round; "what is this? We are losing
+something excellent, I fear."
+
+At this moment, he caught a glimpse of Nicholas, and, throwing himself
+back in this chair, laughed immoderately.  It was now Miss Betty's turn;
+she was about to rise from the table, when the well-known accents of
+Nicholas fell upon her ear.  She fell back in her seat--there he was: the
+messenger of the foul fiend himself would have been more welcome at that
+moment.  Her blood rushed to her face and temples; her hands tingled; she
+closed her eyes, and when she opened them, there stood the accursed
+Nicholas glowering at her still.
+
+"Man--man!" said she at length; "what do you mean, what do you want
+here?"
+
+Poor Nicholas, little guessing that the question was intended to throw a
+doubt upon her acquaintance with him, and conceiving that the hour for
+the announcement had come, hesitated for an instant how he should
+designate the conveyance.  He could not call it a coach!  It certainly
+was not a buggy--neither was it a jaunting car--what should he say--he
+looked earnestly, and even imploringly at his mistress, as if to convey
+some sense of his difficulty, and then, as it were, catching a sudden
+inspiration, winked once more--as he said:--
+
+"Miss Betty--the--the--the--," and here he looked indescribably droll;
+"the thing, you know, is at the door."
+
+All his Lordship's politeness was too little for the occasion, and Miss
+O'Dowd's tenantry were lost to the Callonby interest for ever.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV.
+
+BOTANICAL STUDIES--THE NATURAL SYSTEM PREFERABLE TO THE LINNEAN.
+
+"The carriage is at the door, my lord," said a servant, entering the
+luncheon-room where we were all assembled.
+
+"Now then, Mr. Lorrequer," said Lord Callonby, "allons, take another
+glass of wine, and let us away.  I expect you to make a most brilliant
+speech, remember!"
+
+His lordship here alluded to our intention of visiting a remote barony,
+where a meeting of the freeholders was that day to be held, and at which
+I was pledged for a "neat and appropriate" oration in abuse of the corn
+laws and the holy alliance.
+
+"I beg pardon, my lord," said her ladyship in a most languishing tone;
+"but Mr. Lorrequer is pre-engaged; he has for the last week been
+promising and deterring his visit to the new conservatory with me; where
+he is to find out four or five of the Swiss shrubs that Collins cannot
+make out--and which I am dying to know all about."
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer is a false man then," said Lady Catherine, "for he said at
+breakfast, that we should devote this afternoon to the chalk caves--as
+the tide will be so far out, we can see them all perfectly."
+
+"And I," said Lord Kilkee, "must put in my plea, that the aforesaid Mr.
+Lorrequer is booked for a coursing match--'Mouche versus Jessie.'--Guilty
+or not guilty?"
+
+Lady Jane alone of all said not a word.
+
+"Guilty on every count of the indictment," said I; "I throw myself on the
+mercy of the court."
+
+"Let his sentence then be banishment," said Lady Catherine with affected
+anger, "and let him go with papa."
+
+"I rather think," said Lord Kilkee, "the better plan is to let him visit
+the conservatory, for I'd wager a fifty he finds it more difficult to
+invent botany, than canvass freeholders; eh?"
+
+"I am sure," said Lady Jane, for the first time breaking silence, "that
+mamma is infinitely flattered by the proposal that Mr. Lorrequer's
+company is to be conferred upon her for his sins."
+
+"I am not to be affronted, nor quizzed out of my chaperon; here, Mr.
+Lorrequer," said Lady Callonby rising, "get Smith's book there, and let
+me have your arm; and now, young ladies, come along, and learn something,
+if you can."
+
+"An admirable proviso," said Lord Kilkee, laughing; "if his botany be
+only as authentic as the autographs he gave Mrs. MacDermot, and all of
+which he wrote himself, in my dressing-room, in half an hour.  Napoleon
+was the only difficult one in the number."
+
+Most fortunately this unfair disclosure did not reach her ladyship's
+ears, as she was busily engaged putting on her bonnet, and I was yet
+unassailed in reputation to her.
+
+"Good bye, then," said Lord Callonby; "we meet at seven;" and in a few
+moments the little party were scattered to their several destinations.
+
+"How very hot you have this place, Collins," said Lady Callonby as we
+entered the conservatory.
+
+"Only seventy-five, my lady, and the Magnolias require heat."
+
+I here dropped a little behind, as if to examine a plant, and in a
+half-whisper said to Lady Jane--
+
+"How came it that you alone, Lady Jane, should forget I had made another
+appointment?  I thought you wished to make a sketch of Craigmoran Abbey
+--did you forget that we were to ride there to-day?"
+
+Before she could reply, Lady Callonby called out--"Oh, here it is, Mr.
+Lorrequer.  Is this a heath? that is the question."
+
+Here her ladyship pointed to a little scrubby thing, that looked very
+like a birch rod.  I proceeded to examine it most minutely, while Collins
+waited with all the intense anxiety of a man whose character depended on
+the sentence.
+
+"Collins will have it a jungermania," said she.
+
+"And Collins is right," said I, not trusting myself with the
+pronunciation of the awful word her ladyship uttered.
+
+Collins looked ridiculously happy.
+
+"Now that is so delightful," said Lady Callonby, as she stopped to look
+for another puzzle.
+
+"What a wretch it is," said Lady Catherine, covering her face with a
+handkerchief.
+
+"What a beautiful little flower," said Lady Jane, lifting up the bell of
+a "lobelia splendens."
+
+"You know, of course," said I, "what they call that flower in France
+--L'amour tendre."
+
+"Indeed!"
+
+"True, I assure you; may I present you with this sprig of it," cutting
+off a small twig, and presenting it at the same instant unseen by the
+others.
+
+She hesitated for an instant, and then extending her fair and taper hand
+took it.  I dared not look at her as she did so, but a proud swelling
+triumph at my heart nearly choked me.
+
+"Now Collins," said Lady Callonby, "I cannot find the Alpen tree I
+brought home from the Grundenwald."
+
+Collins hurried forward to her ladyship's side.
+
+Lady Catherine was also called to assist in the search.
+
+I was alone with Lady Jane.
+
+"Now or never," thought I; I hesitated--I stammered--my voice faltered.
+She saw my agitation; she participated in, and increased it.  At last I
+summoned up courage to touch her hand; she gently withdrew it--but so
+gently, it was not a repulse.
+
+"If Lady Jane," said I at length, "if the devoted--"
+
+"Holloa, there," said a deep voice without; "is Mr. Lorrequer there?"
+
+It was Lord Kilkee, returned from his coursing match.  None but he who
+has felt such an interruption, can feel for me.  I shame to say that his
+brotherhood to her, for whom I would have perilled my life, restrained me
+not from something very like a hearty commendation of him to the powers
+that burn--
+
+"Down, dogs, there--down," continued he, and in a moment after entered
+the conservatory flushed and heated with the chace.
+
+"Mouche is the winner--two to one--and so, Master Shallow, I owe you a
+thousand pounds."
+
+Would to heaven that I had lost the wager, had it only taken a little
+longer to decide it!  I of course appeared overjoyed at my dog's success,
+and listened with great pretence of interest to the narrative of the
+"run;" the more so, because that though perhaps more my friend than the
+older members of the family, Lord Kilkee evidently liked less than them,
+my growing intimacy with his sister; and I was anxious to blind him on
+the present occasion, when, but for his recent excitement, very little
+penetration would have enabled him to detect that something unusual had
+taken place.
+
+It was now so nearly dark, that her ladyship's further search for the
+alpine treasure became impossible, and so we turned our steps towards the
+garden, where we continued to walk till joined by Lord Callonby.  And now
+began a most active discussion upon agriculture, rents, tithes, and
+toryism, in which the ladies took but little part; and I had the
+mortification to perceive that Lady Jane was excessively 'ennuyee', and
+seized the first opportunity to leave the party and return to the house;
+while her sister gave me from time to time certain knowing glances, as if
+intimating that my knowledge of farming and political economy was pretty
+much on a par with my proficiency in botany.
+
+One has discovered me at least, thought I; but the bell had rung to dress
+for dinner, and I hastened to my room to think over future plans, and
+once more wonder at the singular position into which fate and the "rules
+of the service" had thrown me.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V.
+
+PUZZLED--EXPLANATION--MAKES BAD WORSE--THE DEED
+
+"Any letters?" said her ladyship to a servant, as she crossed the hall.
+
+"Only one, my lady--for Mr. Lorrequer, I believe."
+
+"For me!" thought I; "how is this?"  My letters had been hitherto always
+left in Kilrush.  Why was this forwarded here?  I hurried to the
+drawing-room, where I found a double letter awaiting me.  The writing was
+Curzon's and contained the words "to be forwarded with haste" on the
+direction.  I opened and read as follows:--
+
+"Dear Lorrequer,--Have you any recollection, among your numerous
+'escapades' at Cork, of having grievously insulted a certain Mr. Giles
+Beamish, in thought, word, or deed?  If you have, I say, let me know with
+all convenient despatch, whether the offence be one admitting of apology
+--for if not, the Lord have mercy on your soul--a more wrothy gentleman
+than the aforesaid, it having rarely been my evil fortune to foregather
+with.  He called here yesterday to inquire your address, and at my
+suggestion wrote a note, which I now enclose.  I write in great haste,
+and am ever yours faithfully,  C. Curzon.
+
+"N.B.--I have not seen his note, so explain all and every thing."
+
+The inclosed letter ran thus:
+
+"Sir,--It can scarcely have escaped your memory, though now nearly two
+months since, that at the Mayor's 'dejeune' in Cork, you were pleased to
+make merry at my expense, and expose me and my family for your amusement.
+This is to demand an immediate apology, or that satisfaction which, as an
+officer, you will not refuse your most obedient servant, Giles Beamish,
+Swinburne's Hotel."
+
+"Giles Beamish!  Giles Beamish!" said I, repeating the name in every
+variety of emphasis, hoping to obtain some clue to the writer.  Had I
+been appointed the umpire between Dr. Wall and his reviewers, in the late
+controversy about "phonetic signs," I could not have been more completely
+puzzled than by the contents of this note.  "Make merry at his expense!"
+a great offence truly--I suppose I have laughed at better men than ever
+he was; and I can only say of such innocent amusement, as Falstaff did of
+sack and sugar, if such be a sin, "then heaven help the wicked."  But I
+wish I knew who he is, or what he alludes to, provided he is not mad,
+which I begin to think not improbable.  "By the bye, my Lord, do you know
+any such person in the south as a Mr. Beamish--Giles Beamish?"
+
+"To be sure," said Lord Callonby, looking up from his newspaper, "there
+are several of the name of the highest respectability.  One is an
+alderman of Cork--a very rich man, too--but I don't remember his
+Christian name."
+
+"An alderman, did you say?"
+
+"Yes.  Alderman Beamish is very well known.  I have seen him frequently
+--a short florid, little man."
+
+"Oh, it must be him," said I, musingly, "it must have been this worthy
+alderman, from whose worshipful person I tore the robe of office on the
+night of the fete.  But what does he mean by 'my exposing him and his
+family?'  Why, zounds, his wife and children were not with him on the
+pavement.  Oh, I see it; it is the mansion-house school of eloquence; did
+not Sir William Curtis apologise for not appearing at court, from having
+lost an eye, which he designated as an awful 'domestic calamity.'"
+
+It being now settled to my satisfaction, that Mr. Beamish and the great
+uncloaked were "convertible terms," I set about making the 'amende' in
+the most handsome manner possible.  I wrote to the alderman a most
+pacific epistle, regretting that my departure from Cork deprived me of
+making reparation before, and expressing a most anxious hope that "he
+caught no cold," and a fervent wish that "he would live many years to
+grace and ornament the dignity of which his becoming costume was the
+emblem."  This I enclosed in a note to Curzon, telling him how the matter
+occurred, and requesting that he would send it by his servant, together
+with the scarlet vestment which he would find in my dressing-room.
+Having folded and sealed this despatch, I turned to give Lord Callonby an
+account of the business, and showed him Beamish's note, at which he was
+greatly amused: and, indeed, it furnished food for mirth for the whole
+party during the evening.  The next morning I set out with Lord Callonby
+on the long-threatened canvassing expedition--with the details of which I
+need not burden my "Confessions."  Suffice it to say, that when Lord
+Kilkee was advocating Toryism in the west, I, his accredited ambassador,
+was devoting to the infernal gods the prelacy, the peerage, and the
+pension list--a mode of canvass well worthy of imitation in these
+troublesome times; for, not to speak of the great prospect of success
+from having friends on both sides of the question, the principal can
+always divest himself of any unpleasant consequences as regards
+inconsistency, by throing the blame on this friend, "who went too far,"
+as the appropriate phrase is.
+
+Nothing could be more successful than our mission.  Lord Callonby was
+delighted beyond bounds with the prospect, and so completely carried away
+by high spirits, and so perfectly assured that much of it was owing to my
+exertions, that on the second morning of our tour--for we proceeded
+through the county for three days--he came laughing into my
+dressing-room, with a newspaper in his hand.
+
+"Here, Lorrequer," said he, "here's news for you.  You certainly must
+read this," and he handed me a copy of the "Clare Herald," with an
+account of our meeting the evening before.
+
+After glancing my eye rapidly over the routine usual in such cases
+--Humph, ha--nearly two hundred people--most respectable farmers--room
+appropriately decorated--"Callonby Arms"--"after the usual loyal toasts,
+the chairman rose"--Well, no matter.  Ah! here it is: "Mr. Lorrequer here
+addressed the meeting with a flow of eloquence it has rarely, if ever,
+been our privilege to hear equalled.  He began by"--humph--
+
+"Ah," said his lordship, impatiently, "you will never find it out--look
+here--'Mr. Lorrequer, whom we have mentioned as having made the highly
+exciting speech, to be found in our first page, is, we understand, the
+son of Sir Guy Lorrequer, of Elton, in Shropshire--one of the wealthiest
+baronets in England.  If rumour speak truly, there is a very near
+prospect of an alliance between this talented and promising young
+gentleman, and the beautiful and accomplished daughter of a certain
+noble earl, with whom he has been for some time domesticated."
+
+"Eh, what think you?  Son of Sir Guy Lorrequer.  I always thought my old
+friend a bachelor, but you see the 'Clare Herald' knows better.  Not to
+speak of the last piece of intelligence, it is very good, is it not?"
+
+"Capital, indeed," said I, trying to laugh, and at the same time blushing
+confoundedly, and looking as ridiculously as need be.
+
+It now struck me forcibly that there was something extremely odd in his
+lordship's mention of this paragraph, particularly when coupled with his
+and Lady Callonby's manner to me for the last two months.  They knew
+enough of my family, evidently, to be aware of my station and prospects
+--or rather my want of both--and yet, in the face of this, they not only
+encouraged me to prolong a most delightful visit, but by a thousand daily
+and dangerous opportunities, absolutely threw me in the way of one of the
+loveliest of her sex, seemingly without fear on their parts. "'Eh bien,'"
+thought I, with my old philosophy, "Time, that 'pregnant old gentleman,'
+will disclose all, and so 'laisse, aller.'"
+
+My reveries on my good and evil fortune were suddenly interrupted by a
+letter which reached me that evening, having been forwarded from Callonby
+by a special messenger.  "What!  Another epistle from Curzon," said I, as
+my eye caught the address, and wondering not a little what pressing
+emergency had called forth the words on the cover--"to be forwarded with
+haste."  I eagerly broke the seal and read the following:
+
+"My Dear Harry,--I received yours on the 11th, and immediately despatched
+your note and the raiment to Mr. Beamish.  He was from home at the time,
+but at eight o'clock I was sent for from the mess to see two gentlemen on
+most pressing business.  I hurried to my quarters, and there found the
+aforesaid Mr. B. accompanied by a friend, whom he introduced as Dr. De
+Courcy Finucane, of the North Cork Militia--as warlike looking a
+gentleman, of his inches, some five feet three, as you would wish to see.
+The moment I appeared, both rose, and commenced a narrative, for such I
+judge it to be, but so energetically and so completely together, that I
+could only bow politely, and at last request that one, or the other,
+would inform me of the object of their visit.  Here began the tug of war,
+the Doctor saying, 'Arrah, now Giles'--Mr. Beamish interrupting by
+'Whisht, I tell ye--now, can't you let me!  Ye see, Mr. Curzoin'--for so
+they both agreed to designate me.  At last, completely worn out, I said,
+'Perhaps you have not received my friend's note?'  At this Mr. Beamish
+reddened to the eyes, and with the greatest volubility poured forth a
+flood of indignant eloquence, that I thought it necessary to check; but
+in this I failed, for after informing me pretty clearly, that he knew
+nothing of your story of the alderman, or his cloak, added, that he
+firmly believed your pretended reparation was only a renewed insult, and
+that--but in a word, he used such language, that I was compelled to take
+him short; and the finale is, that I agreed you should meet him, though
+still ignorant of what he calls the 'original offence.'--But heaven
+knows, his conduct here last night demands a reprimand, and I hope you
+may give it; and if you shoot him, we may worm out the secret from his
+executors.  Nothing could exceed the politeness of the parties on my
+consenting to this arrangement.  Dr. Finucane proposed Carrigaholt, as
+the rendezvous, about 12 miles, I believe, from Kilrush, and Tuesday
+evening at six as the time, which will be the very earliest moment we can
+arrive there.  So, pray be up to time, and believe me yours, C. Curzon,
+Saturday Evening."
+
+It was late on Monday evening when this letter reached me, and there was
+no time to be lost, as I was then about 40 Irish miles from the place
+mentioned by Curzon; so after briefly acquainting Lord Callonby that I
+was called off by duty, I hurried to my room to pack my clothes, and
+again read over this extraordinary epistle.
+
+I confess it did appear something droll, how completely Curzon seemed to
+imbibe the passion for fighting from these "blood-thirsty Irishmen."
+For by his own showing he was utterly ignorant of my ever having offended
+this Mr. Beamish, of whom I recollected nothing whatever.  Yet when the
+gentleman waxes wrothy, rather than inconvenience him, or perhaps anxious
+to get back to the mess, he coolly says, "Oh, my friend shall meet you,"
+and then his pleasant jest, "find out the cause of quarrel from his
+executors!"
+
+Truly, thought I, there is no equanimity like his who acts as your second
+in a duel.  The gentlemanlike urbanity with which he waits on the
+opposite friend--the conciliating tone with which he proffers implacable
+enmity--the killing kindness with which he refuses all accommodation--the
+Talleyrand air of his short notes, dated from the "Travellers," or
+"Brookes," with the words 3 o'clock or 5 o'clock on the cover, all
+indicative of the friendly precipitancy of the negociation.  Then, when
+all is settled, the social style with which he asks you to take a
+"cutlet" with him at the "Clarendon," not to go home--are only to be
+equalled by the admirable tact on the ground--the studiously elegant
+salute to the adverse party, half a la Napoleon, and half Beau Brummell
+--the politely offered snuff-box--the coquetting raillery about 10 paces
+or 12--are certainly the beau ideal of the stoicism which preludes
+sending your friend out of the world like a gentleman.
+
+How very often is the face of external nature at variance with the
+thoughts and actions--"the sayings and doings" we may be most intent upon
+at the moment.  How many a gay and brilliant bridal party has wended its
+way to St. George's, Hanover-square, amid a downpour of rain, one would
+suppose sufficient to quench the torch of Hymen, though it burned as
+brightly as Capt. Drummond's oxygen light; and on the other hand, how
+frequently are the bluest azure of heaven and the most balmy airs shed
+upon the heart bursting with affliction, or the head bowed with grief;
+and without any desire to impugn, as a much high authority has done, the
+moral character of the moon, how many a scene of blood and rapine has its
+mild radiance illumined.  Such reflections as these came thronging to my
+mind, as on the afternoon of Tuesday I neared the little village of our
+rendezvous.
+
+The scene which in all its peaceful beauty lay before me, was truly a
+bitter contrast to the occasion that led me thither.  I stood upon a
+little peninsula which separates the Shannon from the wide Atlantic.  On
+one side the placed river flowed on its course, between fields of waving
+corn, or rich pasturage--the beautiful island of Scattery, with its
+picturesque ruins reflected in the unrippled tide--the cheerful voices of
+the reapers, and the merry laugh of the children were mingled with the
+seaman's cry of the sailors, who were "heaving short" on their anchor,
+to take the evening tide.  The village, which consisted of merely a few
+small cabins, was still from its situation a pleasing object in the
+picture, and the blue smoke that rose in slender columns from the humble
+dwellings, took from the scene its character of loneliness, and suggested
+feelings of home and homely enjoyments, which human habitations, however,
+lowly, never fail to do.
+
+"At any other time," thought I, "and how I could have enjoyed all this,
+but now--and, ha, I find it is already past five o'clock, and if I am
+rightly informed I am still above a mile from 'Carrigaholt,' where we
+were to meet."
+
+I had dismissed my conveyance when nearing the village, to avoid
+observation, and now took a foot-path over the hills.  Before I had
+proceeded half a mile, the scene changed completely.  I found myself
+traversing a small glen, grown over with a low oak scrub, and not
+presenting, on any side, the slightest trace of habitation.  I saw that
+the ground had been selected by an adept.  The glen, which grew narrow as
+I advanced, suddenly disclosed to my view a glimpse of the Atlantic, upon
+which the declining sun was pouring a flood of purple glory.  I had
+scarcely turned from the contemplation of this beautiful object, when a
+long low whistle attracted my attention.  I looked in the direction from
+whence it proceeded, and discovered at some distance from me three
+figures standing beside the ruin of an old Abbey, which I now for the
+first time perceived.
+
+If I had entertained any doubt as to who they were, it had been speedily
+resolved, for I now saw one of the party waving his hat to me, whom, I
+soon recognized to be Curzon; he came forward to meet me, and, in the few
+hundred yards that intervened before our reaching the others, told me as
+much as he knew of the opposite party; which, after all, was but little.
+Mr. Beamish, my adversary, he described as a morose, fire-eating
+southern, that evidently longed for an "affair" with a military man, then
+considered a circumstance of some eclat in the south; his second, the
+doctor, on the contrary, was by far "the best of the cut-throats," a most
+amusing little personage, full of his own importance, and profuse in his
+legends of his own doings in love and war, and evidently disposed to take
+the pleasing side of every occurrence in life; they both agreed in but
+one point--a firm and fixed resolve to give no explanation of the quarrel
+with me.  "So then," said I, as Curzon hurried over the preceding
+account, "you absolutely know nothing whatever of the reason for which I
+am about to give this man a meeting."
+
+"No more than you," said Curzon, with imperturbable gravity; "but one
+thing I am certain of--had I not at once promised him such, he would have
+posted you in Limerick the next morning; and as you know our mess rule in
+the 4_th, I thought it best--"
+
+"Oh, certainly, quite right; but now are you quite certain I am the man
+who offended him?  For I solemnly assure you, I have not the most remote
+recollection of having ever heard of him."
+
+"That point," said Curzon, "there can be no doubt of, for he not only
+designated you as Mr. Harry Lorrequer, but the gentleman that made all
+Cork laugh so heartily, by his representation of Othello."
+
+"Stop!" said I, "say not a word more; I'm his man."
+
+By this time we had reached the ruins, and turning a corner came in full
+contact with the enemy; they had been resting themselves on a tombstone
+as we approached.
+
+"Allow me," said Curzon, stepping a little in advance of me; "allow me to
+introduce my friend Mr. Lorrequer, Dr. Finicane,--Dr. Finicane, Mr.
+Lorrequer."
+
+"Finucane, if quite agreeable to you; Finucane," said the little
+gentleman, as he lifted his hat straight off his head, and replaced it
+most accurately, by way of salute.  "Mr. Lorrequer, it is with sincere
+pleasure I make your acquaintance."  Here Mr. Beamish bowed stiffly, in
+return to my salutation, and at the instant a kind of vague sensation
+crossed my mind, that those red whiskers, and that fiery face were not
+seen for the first time; but the thumbscrews of the holy office would
+have been powerless to refresh my memory as to when.
+
+"Captain," said the doctor, "may I request the favour of your company
+this way, one minute;" they both walked aside; the only words which
+reached me as I moved off, to permit their conference, being an assurance
+on the part of the doctor, "that it was a sweet spot he picked out, for,
+by having them placed north and south, neither need have a patch of sky
+behind him."  Very few minutes sufficed for preliminaries, and they both
+advanced, smirking and smiling, as if they had just arranged a new plan
+for the amelioration of the poor, or the benefit of the manufacturing
+classes, instead of making preparations for sending a gentleman out of
+the world.
+
+"Then if I understand you, captain," said the doctor, "you step the
+distance, and I give the word."
+
+"Exactly," said Curzon.
+
+After a joking allusion to my friend's length of limb, at which we all
+laughed heartily, we were placed, Curzon and the doctor standing and
+breaking the line between us; the pistols were then put into our hands,
+the doctor saying--"Now, gentlemen, I'll just retire six paces, and turn
+round, which will be quite time enough to prepare, and at the word
+'fire,' ye'll blaze away; mind now."  With a knowing wink, the doctor
+delivered this direction, and immediately moved off; the word "fire"
+followed, and both pistols went off together.  My hat was struck near the
+top, and, as the smoke cleared away, I perceived that my ball had taken
+effect upon my adversary; he was wounded a little below the knee and
+appeared to steady himself with the greatest difficulty.  "You friend is
+hit," said Curzon, to the doctor, who now came forward with another
+pistol.  "You friend is hit."
+
+"So I perceive," said he, placing his finger on the spot; "but it is no
+harm in life; so we proceed, if you please."
+
+"You don't mean to demand another shot?" said Curzon.
+
+"Faith, do I," said the doctor coolly.
+
+"Then," said Curzon, "I must tell you most unequivocally, I refuse, and
+shall now withdraw my friend; and had it not been for a regulation
+peculiar to our regiment, but never intended to include cases of this
+nature, we had not been here now; for up to this hour my principal and
+myself are in utter ignorance of any cause of offence ever having been
+offered by him to Mr. Beamish."
+
+"Giles, do you hear this?" said the doctor.
+
+But Giles did not hear it, for the rapid loss of blood from his wound had
+so weakened him, that he had fainted, and now lay peaceably on the grass.
+Etiquette was now at an end, and we all ran forward to assist the wounded
+man; for some minutes he lay apparently quite senseless, and when he at
+last rallied and looked wildly about him, it appeared to be with
+difficulty that he recalled any recollection of the place, and the people
+around him; for a few seconds he fixed his eyes steadily upon the doctor,
+and with a lip pale and bloodless, and a voice quivering from weakness,
+said,
+
+"Fin!  Didn't I tell ye, that pistol always threw high--oh!" and this he
+said with a sigh that nearly overpowered him, "Oh, Fin, if you had only
+given me the saw-handled one, that I AM USED TO; but it is no good
+talking now."
+
+In my inmost heart I was grateful to the little doctor for his mistake,
+for I plainly perceived what "the saw-handled one he was used to" might
+have done for me, and could not help muttering to myself with good Sir
+Andrew--"If I had known he was so cunning of fence, I'd have seen him
+damned before that I fought with him."
+
+Our first duty was now to remove the wounded man to the high road, about
+which both he himself and his second seemed disposed to make some
+difficulty; they spoke together for a few moments in a low tone of voice,
+and then the doctor addressed us--"We feel, gentlemen, this is not a
+time for any concealment; but the truth is, we have need of great
+circumspection here, for I must inform you, we are both of us bound
+over in heavy recognizances to keep the peace."
+
+"Bound over to keep the peace!" said Curzon and myself together.
+
+"Nothing less; and although there is nobody hereabout would tell, yet if
+the affair got into the papers by any means, why there are some people in
+Cork would like to press my friend there, for he is a very neat shot when
+he has the saw-handle," and here the doctor winked.
+
+We had little time permitted us, to think upon the oddity of meeting a
+man in such circumstances, for we were now obliged to contribute our aid
+in conveying him to the road, where some means might be procured for his
+transfer to Kilrush, or some other town in the neighbourhood, for he was
+by this time totally unable to walk.
+
+After half an hour's toiling, we at last did reach the highway, by which
+time I had ample opportunity, short as the space was, to see something of
+the character of our two opponents.  It appeared the doctor exercised the
+most absolute control over his large friend, dictating and commanding in
+a tone which the other never ventured to resist; for a moment or two Mr.
+Beamish expressed a great desire to be conveyed by night to Kilrush,
+where he might find means to cross the Shannon into Kerry; this, however,
+the doctor opposed strenuously, from the risque of publicity; and finally
+settled that we should all go in a body to his friend, Father Malachi
+Brennan's house, only two miles off, where the sick man would have the
+most tender care, and what the doctor considered equally indispensable,
+we ourselves a most excellent supper, and a hearty welcome.
+
+"You know Father Malachi, of course, Mr. Lorrequer?"
+
+"I am ashamed to say I do not."
+
+"Not know Malachi Brennan and live in Clare!  Well, well, that is
+strange; sure he is the priest of this country for twelve miles in every
+direction of you, and a better man, and a pleasanter, there does not live
+in the diocese; though I'm his cousin that says it."
+
+After professing all the possible pleasure it would afford my friend and
+myself to make the acquaintance of Father Malachi, we proceeded to place
+Mr. Beamish in a car that was passing at the time, and started for the
+residence of the good priest.  The whole of the way thither I was
+occupied but by one thought, a burning anxiety to know the cause of our
+quarrel, and I longed for the moment when I might get the doctor apart
+from his friend, to make the inquiry.
+
+"There--look down to your left, where you see the lights shining so
+brightly, that is Father Malachi's house; as sure as my name is
+De Courcy Finucane, there's fun going on there this night."
+
+"Why, there certainly does seem a great illumination in the valley
+there," said I.
+
+"May I never," said the doctor, "if it isn't a station--"
+
+"A station!--pray may I ask--"
+
+"You need not ask a word on the subject; for, if I am a true prophet,
+you'll know what it means before morning."
+
+A little more chatting together, brought us to a narrow road, flanked on
+either side by high hedges of hawthorn, and, in a few minutes more, we
+stood before the priest's residence, a long, white-washed, thatched
+house, having great appearance of comfort and convenience.  Arrived here,
+the doctor seemed at once to take on him the arrangement of the whole
+party; for, after raising the latch and entering the house, he returned
+to us in a few minutes, and said,
+
+"Wait a while now; we'll not go in to Father Malachi, 'till we've put
+Giles to bed."
+
+We, accordingly, lifted him from off the car, and assisted him into the
+house, and following Finucane down a narrow passage, at last reached a
+most comfortable little chamber, with a neat bed; here we placed him,
+while the doctor gave some directions to a bare-headed, red-legged
+hussey, without shoes or stockings, and himself proceeded to examine the
+wound, which was a more serious one than it at first appeared.
+
+After half an hour thus occupied, during which time, roars of merriment
+and hearty peals of laughter burst upon us every time the door opened,
+from a distant part of the house, where his reverence was entertaining
+his friends, and which, as often as they were heard by the doctor seemed
+to produce in him sensations not unlike those that afflicted the "wedding
+guest" in the "Ancient Mariner," when he heard the "loud bassoon," and as
+certainly imparted an equally longing desire to be a partaker in the
+mirth.  We arranged every thing satisfactorily for Mr. Beamish's comfort,
+and with a large basin of vinegar and water, to keep his knee cool, and a
+strong tumbler of hot punch, to keep his heart warm--homeopathic medicine
+is not half so new as Dr. Hahnneman would make us believe--we left Mr.
+Beamish to his own meditations, and doubtless regrets that he did not get
+"the saw-handled one, he was used to," while we proceeded to make our
+bows to Father Malachi Brennan.
+
+But, as I have no intention to treat the good priest with ingratitude, I
+shall not present him to my readers at the tail of a chapter.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI.
+
+THE PRIEST'S SUPPER--FATHER MALACHI AND THE COADJUTOR
+--MAJOR JONES AND THE ABBE
+
+At the conclusion of our last chapter we left our quondam antagonist,
+Mr. Beamish, stretched at full length upon a bed practising homeopathy
+by administering hot punch to his fever, while we followed our chaperon,
+Doctor Finucane, into the presence of the Reverend Father Brennan.
+
+The company into which we now, without any ceremony on our parts,
+introduced ourselves, consisted of from five and twenty to thirty
+persons, seated around a large oak table, plentifully provided with
+materials for drinking, and cups, goblets, and glasses of every shape and
+form.  The moment we entered, the doctor stepped forward, and, touching
+Father Malachi on the shoulder,--for so I rightly guessed him to be,
+--presented himself to his relative, by whom he was welcomed with every
+demonstration of joy.  While their recognitions were exchanged, and while
+the doctor explained the reasons of our visit, I was enabled, undisturbed
+and unnoticed, to take a brief survey of the party.
+
+Father Malachi Brennan, P.P. of Carrigaholt, was what I had often
+pictured to myself as the beau ideal of his caste; his figure was short,
+fleshy, and enormously muscular, and displayed proportions which wanted
+but height to constitute a perfect Hercules; his legs so thick in the
+calf, so taper in the ancle, looked like nothing I know, except perhaps,
+the metal balustrades of Carlisle--bridge; his face was large and rosy,
+and the general expression, a mixture of unbounded good humour and
+inexhaustible drollery, to which the restless activity of his black and
+arched eye--brows greatly contributed; and his mouth, were it not for a
+character of sensuality and voluptuousness about the nether lip, had been
+actually handsome; his head was bald, except a narrow circle close above
+the ears, which was marked by a ring of curly dark hair, sadly
+insufficient however, to conceal a development behind, that, if there be
+truth in phrenology, bodes but little happiness to the disciples of Miss
+Martineau.
+
+Add to these external signs a voice rich, fluent, and racy, with the
+mellow "doric" of his country, and you have some faint resemblance of one
+"every inch a priest."  The very antipodes to the 'bonhomie' of this
+figure, confronted him as croupier at the foot of the table.  This,
+as I afterwards learned, was no less a person than Mister Donovan, the
+coadjutor or "curate;" he was a tall, spare, ungainly looking man of
+about five and thirty, with a pale, ascetic countenance, the only
+readable expression of which vibrated between low suspicion and intense
+vulgarity: over his low, projecting forehead hung down a mass of straight
+red hair; indeed--for nature is not a politician--it almost approached an
+orange hue.  This was cut close to the head all around, and displayed in
+their full proportions a pair of enormous ears, which stood out in
+"relief," like turrets from a watch-tower, and with pretty much the same
+object; his skin was of that peculiar colour and texture, to which, not
+all "the water in great Neptune's ocean" could impart a look of
+cleanliness, while his very voice, hard, harsh, and inflexible, was
+unprepossessing and unpleasant.  And yet, strange as it may seem, he,
+too, was a correct type of his order; the only difference being, that
+Father Malachi was an older coinage, with the impress of Donay or St.
+Omers, whereas Mister Donovan was the shining metal, fresh stamped from
+the mint of Maynooth.
+
+While thus occupied in my surveillance of the scene before me, I was
+roused by the priest saying--
+
+"Ah, Fin, my darling, you needn't deny it; you're at the old game as sure
+as my name is Malachi, and ye'll never be easy nor quiet till ye're sent
+beyond the sea, or maybe have a record of your virtues on half a ton of
+marble in the church-yard, yonder."
+
+"Upon my honour, upon the sacred honour of a De Courcy--."
+
+"Well, well, never mind it now; ye see ye're just keeping your friends
+cooling themselves there in the corner--introduce me at once."
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer, I'm sure--."
+
+"My name is Curzon," said the adjutant, bowing.
+
+"A mighty pretty name, though a little profane; well, Mr. Curse-on," for
+so he pronounced it, "ye're as welcome as the flowers in May; and it's
+mighty proud I am to see ye here.
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer, allow me to shake your hand--I've heard of ye before."
+
+There seemed nothing very strange in that; for go where I would through
+this country, I seemed as generally known as ever was Brummell in
+Bond-street.
+
+"Fin tells me," continued Father Malachi, "that ye'd rather not be known
+down here, in regard of a reason," and here he winked.  "Make yourselves
+quite easy; the king's writ was never but once in these parts; and the
+'original and true copy' went back to Limerick in the stomach of the
+server; they made him eat it, Mr. Lorrequer; but it's as well to be
+cautious, for there are a good number here.  A little dinner, a little
+quarterly dinner we have among us, Mr. Curseon, to be social together,
+and raise a 'thrifle' for the Irish college at Rome, where we have a
+probationer or two, ourselves.
+
+"As good as a station, and more drink," whispered Fin into my ear.  "And
+now," continued the priest, "ye must just permit me to re-christen ye
+both, and the contribution will not be the less for what I'm going to do;
+and I'm certain you'll not be worse for the change Mr. Curseon--though
+'tis only for a few hours, ye'll have a dacent name."
+
+As I could see no possible objection to this proposal, nor did Curzon
+either, our only desire being to maintain the secrecy necessary for our
+antagonist's safety, we at once assented; when Father Malachi took me by
+the hand, but with such a total change in his whole air and deportment
+that I was completely puzzled by it; he led me forward to the company
+with a good deal of the ceremonious reverence I have often admired in Sir
+Charles Vernon, when conducting some full--blown dowager through the
+mazes of a castle minuet.  The desire to laugh outright was almost
+irresistible, as the Rev. Father stood at arm's length from me, still
+holding my hand, and bowing to the company pretty much in the style of a
+manager introducing a blushing debutante to an audience.  A moment more,
+and I must have inevitably given way to a burst of laughter, when what
+was my horror to hear the priest present me to the company as their
+"excellent, worthy, generous, and patriotic young landlord, Lord Kilkee.
+Cheer every mother's son of ye; cheer I say;" and certainly precept was
+never more strenuously backed by example, for he huzzaed till I thought
+he would burst a blood-vessel; may I add, I almost wished it, such was
+the insufferable annoyance, the chagrin, this announcement gave me; and
+I waited with eager impatience for the din and clamour to subside, to
+disclaim every syllable of the priest's announcement, and take the
+consequences of my baptismal epithet, cost what it might.  To this I was
+impelled by many and important reasons.  Situated as I was with respect
+to the Callonby family, my assumption of their name at such a moment
+might get abroad, and the consequences to me, be inevitable ruin; and
+independent of my natural repugnance to such sailing under false colours,
+I saw Curzon laughing almost to suffocation at my wretched predicament,
+and (so strong within me was the dread of ridicule) I thought, "what a
+pretty narrative he is concocting for the mess this minute."  I rose
+to reply; and whether Father Malachi, with his intuitive quickness,
+guessed my purpose or not, I cannot say, but he certainly resolved to
+out-maneuver me, and he succeeded: while with one hand he motioned to the
+party to keep silence, with the other he took hold of Curzon, but with no
+peculiar or very measured respect, and introduced him as Mr. MacNeesh,
+the new Scotch steward and improver--a character at that time whose
+popularity might compete with a tithe proctor or an exciseman.  So
+completely did this tactique turn the tables upon the poor adjutant, who
+the moment before was exulting over me, that I utterly forgot my own
+woes, and sat down convulsed with mirth at his situation--an emotion
+certainly not lessened as I saw Curzon passed from one to the other at
+table, "like a pauper to his parish," till he found an asylum at the very
+foot, in juxta with the engaging Mister Donovan.  A propinquity, if I
+might judge from their countenances, uncoveted by either party.
+
+While this was performing, Doctor Finucane was making his recognitions
+with several of the company, to whom he had been long known during his
+visits to the neighbourhood.  I now resumed my place on the right of the
+Father, abandoning for the present all intention of disclaiming my rank,
+and the campaign was opened.  The priest now exerted himself to the
+utmost to recall conversation with the original channels, and if possible
+to draw off attention from me, which he still feared, might, perhaps,
+elicit some unlucky announcement on my part.  Failing in his endeavours
+to bring matters to their former footing, he turned the whole brunt of
+his attentions to the worthy doctor, who sat on his left.
+
+"How goes on the law," said he, "Fin?  Any new proofs, as they call them,
+forthcoming?"
+
+What Fin replied, I could not hear, but the allusion to the "suit" was
+explained by Father Malachi informing us that the only impediment between
+his cousin and the title of Kinsale lay in the unfortunate fact, that his
+grandmother, "rest her sowl," was not a man.
+
+Doctor Finucane winced a little under the manner in which this was
+spoken: but returned the fire by asking if the bishop was down lately in
+that quarter?  The evasive way in which "the Father" replied having
+stimulated my curiosity as to the reason, little entreaty was necessary
+to persuade the doctor to relate the following anecdote, which was not
+relished the less by his superior, that it told somewhat heavily on Mr.
+Donovan.
+
+"It is about four years ago," said the doctor, "since the Bishop, Dr.
+Plunkett, took it into his head that he'd make a general inspection, 'a
+reconnoisance," as we'd call it, Mr. Lor--that is, my lord!  Through the
+whole diocese, and leave no part far nor near without poking his nose in
+it and seeing how matters were doing.  He heard very queer stories about
+his reverence here, and so down he came one morning in the month of July,
+riding upon an old grey hack, looking just for all the world like any
+other elderly gentleman in very rusty black.  When he got near the
+village he picked up a little boy to show him the short cut across the
+fields to the house here; and as his lordship was a 'sharp man and a
+shrewd,' he kept his eye on every thing as he went along, remarking this,
+and noting down that.
+
+"'Are ye regular in yer duties, my son?' said he to the gossoon.
+
+"'I never miss a Sunday,' said the gossoon; 'for it's always walking his
+reverence's horse I am the whole time av prayers.'
+
+"His lordship said no more for a little while, when he muttered between
+his teeth, 'Ah, it's just slander--nothing but slander and lying
+tongues.'  This soliloquy was caused by his remarking that on every gate
+he passed, or from every cabin, two or three urchins would come out half
+naked, but all with the finest heads of red hair he ever saw in his life.
+
+"'How is it, my son,' said he, at length; 'they tell very strange stories
+about Father Malachi, and I see so many of these children with red hair.
+Eh--now Father Malachi's a dark man.'
+
+"'True for ye,' said the boy; 'true for ye, Father Malachi's dark; but
+the coadjutor!--the coadjutor's as red as a fox.'"
+
+When the laugh this story caused had a little subsided, Father Malachi
+called out, "Mickey Oulahan! Mickey, I say, hand his lordship over 'the
+groceries'"--thus he designated a square decanter, containing about two
+quarts of whiskey, and a bowl heaped high with sugar--"a dacent boy is
+Mickey, my lord, and I'm happy to be the means of making him known to
+you."  I bowed with condescension, while Mr. Oulahan's eyes sparkled like
+diamonds at the recognition.
+
+"He has only two years of the lease to run, and a 'long charge,'
+(anglice, a large family,) continued the priest.
+
+"I'll not forget him, you may depend upon it," said I.
+
+"Do you hear that," said Father Malachi, casting a glance of triumph
+round the table, while a general buzz of commendation on priest and
+patron went round, with many such phrases as, "Och thin, it's his
+riv'rance can do it," "na bocklish," "and why not," &c. &c.  As for me,
+I have already "confessed" to my crying sin, a fatal, irresistible
+inclination to follow the humour of the moment wherever it led me; and
+now I found myself as active a partizan in quizzing Mickey Oulahan, as
+though I was not myself a party included in the jest.  I was thus fairly
+launched into my inveterate habit, and nothing could arrest my progress.
+
+One by one the different individuals round the table were presented to
+me, and made known their various wants, with an implicit confidence in my
+power of relieving them, which I with equal readiness ministered to.  I
+lowered the rent of every man at table.  I made a general jail delivery,
+an act of grace, (I blush to say,) which seemed to be peculiarly
+interesting to the present company.  I abolished all arrears--made a new
+line of road through an impassable bog, and over an inaccessible
+mountain--and conducted water to a mill, which (I learned in the morning)
+was always worked by wind.  The decanter had scarcely completed its third
+circuit of the board, when I bid fair to be most popular specimen of the
+peerage that ever visited the "far west."  In the midst of my career of
+universal benevolence, I was interrupted by Father Malachi, whom I found
+on his legs, pronouncing a glowing eulogium on his cousin's late
+regiment, the famous North Cork.
+
+"That was the corps!" said he.  "Bid them do a thing, and they'd never
+leave off; and so, when they got orders to retire from Wexford, it's
+little they cared for the comforts of baggage, like many another
+regiment, for they threw away every thing but their canteens, and never
+stopped till they ran to Ross, fifteen miles farther than the enemy
+followed them.  And when they were all in bed the same night, fatigued
+and tired with their exertions, as ye may suppose, a drummer's boy called
+out in his sleep--'here they are--they're coming'--they all jumped up and
+set off in their shirts, and got two miles out of town before they
+discovered it was a false alarm."
+
+Peal after peal of laughter followed the priest's encomium on the
+doctor's regiment; and, indeed, he himself joined most heartily in the
+mirth, as he might well afford to do, seeing that a braver or better
+corps than the North Cork, Ireland did not possess.
+
+"Well," said Fin, "it's easy to see ye never can forget what they did at
+Maynooth."
+
+Father Malachi disclaimed all personal feeling on the subject; and I was
+at last gratified by the following narrative, which I regret deeply I am
+not enabled to give in the doctor's own verbiage; but writing as I do
+from memory, (in most instances,) I can only convey the substance:
+
+It was towards the latter end of the year '98--the year of the troubles
+--that the North Cork was ordered, "for their sins" I believe, to march
+from their snug quarters in Fermoy, and take up a position in the town of
+Maynooth--a very considerable reverse of fortune to a set of gentlemen
+extremely addicted to dining out, and living at large upon a very
+pleasant neighbourhood.  Fermoy abounded in gentry; Maynooth at that,
+time had few, if any, excepting his Grace of Leinster, and he lived very
+privately, and saw no company.  Maynooth was stupid and dull--there were
+neither belles nor balls; Fermoy (to use the doctor's well remembered
+words) had "great feeding," and "very genteel young ladies, that carried
+their handkerchiefs in bags, and danced with the officers."
+
+They had not been many weeks in their new quarters, when they began to
+pine over their altered fortunes, and it was with a sense of delight,
+which a few months before would have been incomprehensible to them, they
+discovered, that one of their officers had a brother, a young priest in
+the college: he introduced him to some of his confreres, and the natural
+result followed.  A visiting acquaintance began between the regiment and
+such of the members of the college as had liberty to leave the precincts:
+who, as time ripened the acquaintance into intimacy, very naturally
+preferred the cuisine of the North Cork to the meagre fare of "the
+refectory."  At last seldom a day went by, without one or two of their
+reverences finding themselves guests at the mess.  The North Corkians
+were of a most hospitable turn, and the fathers were determined the
+virtue should not rust for want of being exercised; they would just drop
+in to say a word to "Captain O'Flaherty about leave to shoot in the
+demesne," as Carton was styled; or, they had a "frank from the Duke for
+the Colonel," or some other equally pressing reason; and they would
+contrive to be caught in the middle of a very droll story just as the
+"roast beef" was playing.  Very little entreaty then sufficed--a short
+apology for the "dereglements" of dress, and a few minutes more found
+them seated at table without further ceremony on either side.
+
+Among the favourite guests from the college, two were peculiarly held in
+estimation--"the Professor of the Humanities," Father Luke Mooney; and the
+Abbe D'Array, "the Lecturer on Moral Philosophy, and Belles Lettres;" and
+certain it is, pleasanter fellows, or more gifted with the "convivial
+bump," there never existed.  He of the Humanities was a droll dog--a
+member of the Curran club, the "monks of the screw," told an excellent
+story, and sang the "Cruiskeen Lawn" better than did any before or since
+him;--the moral philosopher, though of a different genre, was also a most
+agreeable companion, an Irishman transplanted in his youth to St. Omers,
+and who had grafted upon his native humour a considerable share of French
+smartness and repartee--such were the two, who ruled supreme in all the
+festive arrangements of this jovial regiment, and were at last as regular
+at table, as the adjutant and the paymaster, and so might they have
+continued, had not prosperity, that in its blighting influence upon the
+heart, spares neither priests nor laymen, and is equally severe upon mice
+(see Aesop's fable) and moral philosophers, actually deprived them, for
+the "nonce" of reason, and tempted them to their ruin.  You naturally
+ask, what did they do?  Did they venture upon allusions to the retreat
+upon Ross?  Nothing of the kind.  Did they, in that vanity which wine
+inspires, refer by word, act, or inuendo, to the well-known order of
+their Colonel when reviewing his regiment in "the Phoenix," to "advance
+two steps backwards, and dress by the gutter."  Far be it from them:
+though indeed either of these had been esteemed light in the balance
+compared with their real crime.  "Then, what was their failing--come,
+tell it, and burn ye?"  They actually, "horresco referens," quizzed the
+Major coram the whole mess!--Now, Major John Jones had only lately
+exchanged into the North Cork from the "Darry Ragement," as he called it.
+He was a red--hot orangeman, a deputy--grand something, and vice-chairman
+of the "'Prentice Boys" beside.  He broke his leg when a school-boy, by
+a fall incurred in tying an orange handkerchief around King William's
+August neck in College-green, on one 12th of July, and three several
+times had closed the gates of Derry with his own loyal hands, on the
+famed anniversary; in a word, he was one, that if his church had enjoined
+penance as an expiation for sin, would have looked upon a trip to
+Jerusalem on his bare knees, as a very light punishment for the crime on
+his conscience, that he sat at table with two buck priests from Maynooth,
+and carved for them, like the rest of the company!
+
+Poor Major Jones, however, had no such solace, and the canker-worm eat
+daily deeper and deeper into his pining heart.  During the three or four
+weeks of their intimacy with his regiment, his martyrdom was awful.  His
+figure wasted, and his colour became a deeper tinge of orange, and all
+around averred that there would soon be a "move up" in the corps, for the
+major had evidently "got his notice to quit" this world, and its pomps
+and vanities.  He felt "that he was dying," to use Haines Bayley's
+beautiful and apposite words, and meditated an exchange, but that, from
+circumstances, was out of the question.  At last, subdued by grief, and
+probably his spirit having chafed itself smooth by such constant
+attrition, he became, to all seeming, calmer; but it was only the calm of
+a broken and weary heart.  Such was Major Jones at the time, when,
+"suadente diabolo," it seemed meet to Fathers Mooney and D'Array to make
+him the butt of their raillery.  At first, he could not believe it; the
+thing was incredible--impossible; but when he looked around the table,
+when he heard the roars of laughter, long, loud, and vociferous; when he
+heard his name bandied from one to the other across the table, with some
+vile jest tacked to it "like a tin kettle to a dog's tail," he awoke to
+the full measure of his misery--the cup was full.  Fate had done her
+worst, and he might have exclaimed with Lear, "spit, fire--spout, rain,"
+there was nothing in store for him of further misfortune.
+
+A drum-head court-martial--a hint "to sell out"--ay, a sentence of
+"dismissed the service," had been mortal calamities, and, like a man, he
+would have borne them; but that he, Major John Jones, D.G.S. C.P.B., &c.
+&c, who had drank the "pious, glorious, and immortal," sitting astride of
+"the great gun of Athlone," should come to this!  Alas, and alas!  He
+retired that night to his chamber a "sadder if not a wiser man;" he
+dreamed that the "statue" had given place to the unshapely figure of Leo
+X., and that "Lundy now stood where Walker stood before."  He humped from
+his bed in a moment of enthusiasm, he vowed his revenge, and he kept his
+vow.
+
+That day the major was "acting field officer."  The various patroles,
+sentries, picquets, and out-posts, were all under his especial control;
+and it was remarked that he took peculiar pains in selecting the men for
+night duty, which, in the prevailing quietness and peace of that time,
+seemed scarcely warrantable.
+
+Evening drew near, and Major Jones, summoned by the "oft-heard beat,"
+wended his way to the mess.  The officers were dropping in, and true as
+"the needle to the pole," came Father Mooney and the Abbe.  They were
+welcomed with the usual warmth, and strange to say, by none more than the
+major himself, whose hilarity knew no bounds.
+
+How the evening passed, I shall not stop to relate: suffice it to say,
+that a more brilliant feast of wit and jollification, not even the North
+Cork ever enjoyed.  Father Luke's drollest stories, his very quaintest
+humour shone forth, and the Abbe sang a new "Chanson a Boire," that
+Beranger might have envied.
+
+"What are you about, my dear Father D'Array?" said the Colonel; "you are
+surely not rising yet; here's a fresh cooper of port just come in; sit
+down, I entreat."
+
+"I say it with grief, my dear colonel, we must away; the half-hour has
+just chimed, and we must be within 'the gates' before twelve.  The truth
+is, the superior has been making himself very troublesome about our
+'carnal amusements' as he calls our innocent mirth, and we must therefore
+be upon our guard."
+
+"Well, if it must be so, we shall not risk losing your society
+altogether, for an hour or so now; so, one bumper to our next meeting
+--to-morrow, mind, and now, M. D'Abbe, au revoir."
+
+The worthy fathers finished their glasses, and taking a most affectionate
+leave of their kind entertainers, sallied forth under the guidance of
+Major Jones, who insisted upon accompanying them part of the way, as,
+"from information he had received, the sentries were doubled in some
+places, and the usual precautions against surprise all taken."  Much as
+this polite attention surprised the objects of it, his brother officers
+wondered still more, and no sooner did they perceive the major and his
+companions issue forth, than they set out in a body to watch where this
+most novel and unexpected complaisance would terminate.
+
+When the priests reached the door of the barrack-yard, they again turned
+to utter their thanks to the major, and entreat him once more, "not to
+come a step farther.  There now, major, we know the path well, so just
+give us the pass, and don't stay out in the night air."
+
+"Ah oui, Monsieur Jones," said the Abbe, "retournez, je vous prie.  We
+are, I must say, chez nous.  Ces braves gens, les North Cork know us by
+this time."
+
+The major smiled, while he still pressed his services to see them past
+the picquets, but they were resolved and would not be denied.
+
+"With the word for the night, we want nothing more," said Father Luke.
+
+"Well, then," said the major, in the gravest tone, and he was naturally
+grave, "you shall have your way, but remember to call out loud, for the
+first sentry is a little deaf, and a very passionate, ill-tempered
+fellow to boot."
+
+"Never fear," said Father Mooney, laughing; "I'll go bail he'll hear me."
+
+"Well--the word for the night is--'Bloody end to the Pope,'--don't
+forget, now, 'Bloody end to the Pope,'" and with these words he banged
+the door between him and the unfortunate priests; and, as bolt was
+fastened after bolt, they heard him laughing to himself like a fiend over
+his vengeance.
+
+"And big bad luck to ye, Major Jones, for the same, every day ye see a
+paving stone," was the faint sub-audible ejaculation of Father Luke, when
+he was recovered enough to speak.
+
+"Sacristi! Que nous sommes attrappes," said the Abbe, scarcely able to
+avoid laughing at the situation in which they were placed.
+
+"Well, there's the quarter chiming now; we've no time to lose--Major
+Jones!  Major, darling! Don't now, ah, don't! sure ye know we'll be
+ruined entirely--there now, just change it, like a dacent fellow--the
+devil's luck to him, he's gone.  Well, we can't stay here in the rain all
+night, and be expelled in the morning afterwards--so come along."
+
+They jogged on for a few minutes in silence, till they came to that part
+of the "Duke's" demesne wall, where the first sentry was stationed.  By
+this time the officers, headed by the major, had quietly slipped out of
+the gate, and were following their steps at a convenient distance.
+
+The fathers had stopped to consult together, what they should do in this
+trying emergency--when their whisper being overheard, the sentinel called
+out gruffly, in the genuine dialect of his country, "who goes that?"
+
+"Father Luke Mooney, and the Abbe D'Array," said the former, in his most
+bland and insinuating tone of voice, a quality he most eminently
+possessed.
+
+"Stand and give the countersign."
+
+"We are coming from the mess, and going home to the college," said Father
+Mooney, evading the question, and gradually advancing as he spoke.
+
+"Stand, or I'll shot ye," said the North Corkian.
+
+Father Luke halted, while a muttered "Blessed Virgin" announced his state
+of fear and trepidation.
+
+"D'Array, I say, what are we to do."
+
+"The countersign," said the sentry, whose figure they could perceive in
+the dim distance of about thirty yards.
+
+"Sure ye'll let us pass, my good lad, and ye'll have a friend in Father
+Luke the longest day ye live, and ye might have a worse in time of need;
+ye understand."
+
+Whether he did understand or not, he certainly did not heed, for his only
+reply was the short click of his gun-lock, that bespeaks a preparation to
+fire.
+
+"There's no help now," said Father Luke; "I see he's a haythen; and bad
+luck to the major, I say again;" and this in the fulness of his heart he
+uttered aloud.
+
+"That's not the countersign," said the inexorable sentry, striking the
+butt end of the musket on the ground with a crash that smote terror into
+the hearts of the priests.
+
+Mumble--mumble--"to the Pope," said Father Luke, pronouncing the last
+words distinctly, after the approved practice of a Dublin watchman, on
+being awoke from his dreams of row and riot by the last toll of the
+Post-office, and not knowing whether it has struck "twelve" or "three,"
+sings out the word "o'clock," in a long sonorous drawl, that wakes every
+sleeping citizen, and yet tells nothing how "time speeds on his flight."
+
+"Louder," said the sentry, in a voice of impatience.
+
+_____ "to the Pope."
+
+"I don't hear the first part."
+
+"Oh then," said the priest, with a sigh that might have melted the heart
+of anything but a sentry, "Bloody end to the Pope; and may the saints in
+heaven forgive me for saying it."
+
+"Again," called out the soldier; "and no muttering."
+
+"Bloody end to the Pope," cried Father Luke in bitter desperation.
+
+"Bloody end to the Pope," echoed the Abbe.
+
+"Pass bloody end to the Pope, and good night," said the sentry, resuming
+his rounds, while a loud and uproarious peal of laughter behind, told the
+unlucky priests they were overheard by others, and that the story would
+be over the whole town in the morning.
+
+Whether it was that the penance for their heresy took long in
+accomplishing, or that they never could summon courage sufficient to face
+their persecutor, certain it is, the North Cork saw them no more, nor
+were they ever observed to pass the precincts of the college, while that
+regiment occupied Maynooth.
+
+Major Jones himself, and his confederates, could not have more heartily
+relished this story, than did the party to whom the doctor heartily
+related it.  Much, if not all the amusement it afforded, however,
+resulted from his inimitable mode of telling, and the power of mimicry,
+with which he conveyed the dialogue with the sentry: and this, alas, must
+be lost to my readers, at least to that portion of them not fortunate
+enough to possess Doctor Finucane's acquaintance.
+
+"Fin! Fin! your long story has nearly famished me," said the padre, as
+the laugh subsided; "and there you sit now with the jug at your elbow
+this half-hour; I never thought you would forget our old friend Martin
+Hanegan's aunt."
+
+"Here's to her health," said Fin; "and your reverence will get us the
+chant."
+
+"Agreed," said Father Malachi, finishing a bumper, and after giving a few
+preparatory hems, he sang the following "singularly wild and beautiful
+poem," as some one calls Christabel:--
+
+"Here's a health to Martin Hanegan's aunt,
+And I'll tell ye the reason why!
+She eats bekase she is hungry,
+And drinks bekase she is dry.
+
+"And if ever a man,
+Stopped the course of a can,
+Martin Hanegan's aunt would cry--
+'Arrah, fill up your glass,
+And let the jug pass;
+How d'ye know but what your neighbour's dhry?"
+
+"Come, my lord and gentlemen, da capo, if ye please--Fill up your glass,"
+and the chanson was chorussed with a strength and vigour that would
+have astonished the Philharmonic.
+
+The mirth and fun now grew "fast and furious;" and Father Malachi, rising
+with the occasion, flung his reckless drollery and fun on every side,
+sparing none, from his cousin to the coadjutor.  It was not that peculiar
+period in the evening's enjoyment, when an expert and practical chairman
+gives up all interference or management, and leaves every thing to take
+its course; this then was the happy moment selected by Father Malachi to
+propose the little "contrhibution."  He brought a plate from a side
+table, and placing it before him, addressed the company in a very brief
+but sensible speech, detailing the object of the institution he was
+advocating, and concluding with the following words:--"and now ye'll just
+give whatever ye like, according to your means in life, and what ye can
+spare."
+
+The admonition, like the "morale" of an income tax, having the immediate
+effect of pitting each man against his neighbour, and suggesting to their
+already excited spirits all the ardour of gambling, without, however,
+a prospect of gain.  The plate was first handed to me in honour of my
+"rank," and having deposited upon it a handful of small silver, the
+priest ran his finger through the coin, and called out:--
+
+"Five pounds! at least; not a farthing less, as I am a sinner.  Look,
+then,--see now; they tell ye, the gentlemen don't care for the like of
+ye! but see for yourselves.  May I trouble y'r lordship to pass the plate
+to Mr. Mahony--he's impatient, I see."
+
+Mr. Mahony, about whom I perceived very little of the impatience alluded
+to, was a grim-looking old Christian, in a rabbit-skin waistcoat, with
+long flaps, who fumbled in the recesses of his breeches pocket for five
+minutes, and then drew forth three shillings, which he laid upon the
+plate, with what I fancied very much resembled a sigh.
+
+"Six and sixpence, is it? or five shillings?--all the same, Mr. Mahony,
+and I'll not forget the thrifle you were speaking about this morning any
+way;" and here he leaned over as interceding with me for him, but in
+reality to whisper into my ear, "the greatest miser from this to
+Castlebar."
+
+"Who's that put down the half guinea in goold?" (And this time he spoke
+truth.)  "Who's that, I say?"
+
+"Tim Kennedy, your reverence," said Tim, stroking his hair down with one
+hand, and looking proud and modest at the same moment.
+
+"Tim, ye're a credit to us any day, and I always said so.  It's a gauger
+he'd like to be, my lord," said he, turning to me, in a kind of stage
+whisper.  I nodded and muttered something, when he thanked me most
+profoundly as if his suit had prospered.
+
+"Mickey Oulahan--the lord's looking at ye, Mickey."  This was said
+piannisime across the table, and had the effect of increasing Mr.
+Oulahan's donation from five shillings to seven--the last two being
+pitched in very much in the style of a gambler making his final coup, and
+crying "va banque."  "The Oulahans were always dacent people--dacent
+people, my lord."
+
+"Be gorra, the Oulahans was niver dacenter nor the Molowneys, any how,"
+said a tall athletic young fellow, as he threw down three crown pieces,
+with an energy that made every coin leap from the plate.
+
+"They'll do now," said Father Brennan; "I'll leave them to themselves;"
+and truly the eagerness to get the plate and put down the subscription,
+fully equalled the rapacious anxiety I have witnessed in an old maid at
+loo, to get possession of a thirty-shilling pool, be the same more or
+less, which lingered on its way to her, in the hands of many a fair
+competitor.
+
+"Mr. M'Neesh"--Curzon had hitherto escaped all notice--"Mr. M'Neesh, to
+your good health," cried Father Brennan.  "It's many a secret they'll be
+getting out o'ye down there about the Scotch husbandry."
+
+Whatever poor Curzon knew of "drills," certainly did not extend to them
+when occupied by turnips.  This allusion of the priest's being caught up
+by the party at the foot of the table, they commenced a series of
+inquiries into different  Scotch plans of tillage--his brief and
+unsatisfactory answers to which, they felt sure, were given in order to
+evade imparting information.  By degrees, as they continued to press him
+with questions, his replies grew more short, and a general feeling of
+dislike on both sides was not very long in following.
+
+The father saw this, and determining with his usual tact to repress it,
+called on the adjutant for a song.  Now, whether he had but one in the
+world, or whether he took this mode of retaliating for the annoyances he
+had suffered, I know not; but true it is, he finished his tumbler at a
+draught, and with a voice of no very peculiar sweetness, though
+abundantly loud, began "The Boyne Water."
+
+He had just reached the word "battle," in the second line upon which he
+was bestowing what he meant to be a shake, when, as if the word suggested
+it, it seemed the signal for a general engagement.  Decanters, glasses,
+jugs, candlesticks,--aye, and the money-dish, flew right and left--all
+originally intended, it is true, for the head of the luckless adjutant,
+but as they now and then missed their aim, and came in contact with the
+"wrong man," invariably provoked retaliation, and in a very few minutes
+the battle became general.
+
+What may have been the doctor's political sentiments on this occasion, I
+cannot even guess; but he seemed bent upon performing the part of a
+"convivial Lord Stanley," and maintaining a dignified neutrality.  With
+this apparent object, he mounted upon the table, to raise himself, I
+suppose, above the din and commotion of party clamour, and brandishing a
+jug of scalding water, bestowed it with perfect impartiality on the
+combatants on either side.  This Whig plan of conciliation, however well
+intended, seemed not to prosper with either party; and many were the
+missiles directed at the ill-starred doctor.  Meanwhile Father Malachi,
+whether following the pacific instinct of his order, in seeking an asylum
+in troublesome times, or equally moved by old habit to gather coin in low
+places, (much of the money having fallen,) was industriously endeavouring
+to insert himself beneath the table; in this, with one vigorous push, he
+at last succeeded, but in so doing lifted it from its legs, and thus
+destroying poor "Fin's" gravity, precipitated him, jug and all, into the
+thickest part of the fray, where he met with that kind reception such a
+benefactor ever receives at the hands of a grateful public.  I meanwhile
+hurried to rescue poor Curzon, who, having fallen to the ground, was
+getting a cast of his features taken in pewter, for such seemed the
+operation a stout farmer was performing on the adjutant's face with a
+quart.  With considerable difficulty, notwithstanding my supposed
+"lordship," I succeeded in freeing him from his present position; and he
+concluding, probably, that enough had been done for one "sitting," most
+willingly permitted me to lead him from the room.  I was soon joined by
+the doctor, who assisted me in getting my poor friend to bed; which being
+done, he most eagerly entreated me to join the company.  This, however,
+I firmly but mildly declined, very much to his surprise; for as he
+remarked--"They'll all be like lambs now, for they don't believe there's
+a whole bone in his body."
+
+Expressing my deep sense of the Christian-like forbearance of the party,
+I pleaded fatigue, and bidding him good night, adjourned to my bed-room;
+and here, although the arrangements fell somewhat short of the luxurious
+ones appertaining to my late apartment at Callonby, they were most
+grateful at the moment; and having "addressed myself to slumber," fell
+fast asleep, and only awoke late on the following morning to wonder where
+I was: from any doubts as to which I was speedily relieved by the
+entrance of the priest's bare-footed "colleen," to deposit on my table a
+bottle of soda water, and announce breakfast, with his reverence's
+compliments.
+
+Having made a hasty toilet, I proceeded to the parlour, which, however
+late events might have impressed upon my memory, I could scarcely
+recognise.  Instead of the long oak table and the wassail bowl, there
+stood near the fire a small round table, covered with a snow--white
+cloth, upon which shone in unrivalled brightness a very handsome tea
+equipage--the hissing kettle on one hob was vis a vis'd by a gridiron
+with three newly taken trout, frying under the reverential care of Father
+Malachi himself--a heap of eggs ranged like shot in an ordnance yard,
+stood in the middle of the table, while a formidable pile of buttered
+toast browned before the grate--the morning papers were airing upon the
+hearth--every thing bespoke that attention to comfort and enjoyment one
+likes to discover in the house where chance may have domesticated him for
+a day or two.
+
+"Good morning, Mr. Lorrequer.  I trust you have rested well," said Father
+Malachi as I entered.
+
+"Never better; but where are our friends?"
+
+"I have been visiting and comforting them in their affliction, and I may
+with truth assert it is not often my fortune to have three as sickly
+looking guests.  That was a most unlucky affair last night, and I must
+apologise."
+
+"Don't say a word, I entreat; I saw how it all occurred, and am quite
+sure if it had not been for poor Curzon's ill-timed melody--"
+
+"You are quite right," said the father interrupting me.  "Your friend's
+taste for music--bad luck to it--was the 'teterrima causa belli.'"
+
+"And the subscription," said I; "how did it succeed?"
+
+"Oh, the money went in the commotion; and although I have got some seven
+pounds odd shillings of it, the war was a most expensive one to me.  I
+caught old Mahony very busy under the table during the fray; but let us
+say no more about it now--draw over your chair.  Tea or coffee? there's
+the rum if you like it 'chasse.'"
+
+I immediately obeyed the injunction, and commenced a vigorous assault
+upon the trout, caught, as he informed me, "within twenty perches of the
+house."
+
+"Your poor friend's nose is scarcely regimental," said he, "this morning;
+and as for Fin, he was never remarkable for beauty, so, though they might
+cut and hack, they could scarcely disfigure him, as Juvenal says--isn't
+it Juvenal?
+
+"'Vacuus viator cantabit ante Latronem;'
+
+"or in the vernacular:
+
+"'The empty traveller may whistle
+Before the robber and his pistil' (pistol)."
+
+"There's the Chili vinegar--another morsel of the trout?"
+
+"I thank you; what excellent coffee, Father Malachi!"
+
+"A secret I learned at St. Omer's some thirty years since.  Any letters,
+Bridget?"--to a damsel that entered with a pacquet in her hand.
+
+"A gossoon from Kilrush, y'r reverence, with a bit of a note for the
+gentleman there."
+
+"For me!--ah, true enough.  Harry Lorrequer, Esq. Kilrush--try
+Carrigaholt."  So ran the superscription--the first part being in a
+lady's handwriting; the latter very like the "rustic paling" of the
+worthy Mrs. Healy's style.  The seal was a large one, bearing a coronet
+at top, and the motto in old Norman--French, told me it came from
+Callonby.
+
+With what a trembling hand and beating heart I broke it open, and yet
+feared to read it--so much of my destiny might be in that simple page.
+For once in my life my sanguine spirit failed me; my mind could take in
+but one casualty, that Lady Jane had divulged to her family the nature of
+my attentions, and that in the letter before me lay a cold mandate of
+dismissal from her presence for ever.
+
+At last I summoned courage to read it; but having scrupled to present to
+my readers the Reverend Father Brennan at the tail of a chapter, let me
+not be less punctilious in the introduction of her ladyship's billet.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII.
+
+THE LADY'S LETTER--PETER AND HIS ACQUAINTANCES--TOO LATE.
+
+Her ladyship's letter ran thus--
+
+"Callonby, Tuesday morning.
+
+"My dear Mr. Lorrequer,--My lord has deputed me to convey to you our
+adieus, and at the same time to express our very great regret that we
+should not have seen you before out departure from Ireland.  A sudden
+call of the House, and some unexpected ministerial changes, require Lord
+Callonby's immediate presence in town; and probably before this reaches
+you we shall be on the road.  Lord Kilkee, who left us yesterday, was
+much distressed at not having seen you--he desired me to say you shall
+hear from him from Leamington.  Although writing amid all the haste
+and bustle of departure, I must not forget the principal part of my
+commission, nor lady-like defer it to a postscript: my lord entreats that
+you will, if possible, pass a month or two with us in London this season;
+make any use of his name you think fit at the Horse-Guards, where he has
+some influence.  Knowing as I do, with what kindness you ever accede to
+the wishes of your friends, I need not say how much gratification this
+will afford us all; but, sans response, we expect you.  Believe me to
+remain, yours very sincerely,
+
+"Charlotte Callonby."
+
+"P.S.--We are all quite well, except Lady Jane, who has a slight cold,
+and has been feverish for the last day or two."
+
+
+Words cannot convey any idea of the torrent of contending emotions under
+which I perused this letter.  The suddenness of the departure, without an
+opportunity of even a moment's leave-taking, completely unmanned me.
+What would I not have given to be able to see her once more, even for an
+instant--to say "a good bye"--to watch the feeling with which she parted
+from me, and augur from it either favourably to my heart's dearest hope,
+or darkest despair.  As I continued to read on, the kindly tone of the
+remainder reassured me, and when I came to the invitation to London,
+which plainly argued a wish on their part to perpetuate the intimacy,
+I was obliged to read it again and again, before I could convince myself
+of its reality.  There it was, however, most distinctly and legibly
+impressed in her ladyship's fairest calligraphy; and certainly great as
+was its consequence to me at the time, it by no means formed the
+principal part of the communication.  The two lines of postscript
+contained more, far more food for hopes and fears than did all the
+rest of the epistle.
+
+Lady Jane was ill then, slightly however--a mere cold; true, but she was
+feverish.  I could not help asking myself what share had I causing that
+flushed cheek and anxious eye, and pictured to myself, perhaps with more
+vividness than reality, a thousand little traits of manner, all proofs
+strong as holy writ to my sanguine mind, that my affection was returned,
+and that I loved not in vain.  Again and again I read over the entire
+letter; never truly did a nisi prius lawyer con over a new act of
+parliament with more searching ingenuity, to detect its hidden meaning,
+than did I to unravel through its plain phraseology the secret intention
+of the writer towards me.
+
+There is an old and not less true adage, that what we wish we readily
+believe; and so with me--I found myself an easy convert to my own hopes
+and desires, and actually ended by persuading myself--no very hard task
+--that my Lord Callonby had not only witnessed but approved of my
+attachment to his beautiful daughter, and for reasons probably known to
+him, but concealed from me, opined that I was a suitable "parti," and
+gave all due encouragement to my suit.  The hint about using his
+lordship's influence at the Horse guards I resolved to benefit by; not,
+however, in obtaining leave of absence, which I hoped to accomplish more
+easily, but with his good sanction in pushing my promotion, when I
+claimed him as my right honorable father-in-law--a point, on the
+propriety of which, I had now fully satisfied myself.  What visions of
+rising greatness burst upon my mind, as I thought on the prospect that
+opened before me; but here let me do myself the justice to record, that
+amid all my pleasure and exultation, my proudest thought, was in the
+anticipation of possessing one in every way so much my superior--the very
+consciousness of which imparted a thrill of fear to my heart, that such
+good fortune was too much even to hope for.
+
+How long I might have luxuriated in such Chateaux en Espagne, heaven
+knows; thick and thronging fancies came abundantly to my mind, and it
+was with something of the feeling of the porter in the Arabian Nights,
+as he surveyed the fragments of his broken ware, hurled down in a moment
+of glorious dreaminess, that I turned to look at the squat and
+unaristocratic figure of Father Malachi, as he sat reading his newspaper
+before the fire.  How came I in such company; methinks the Dean of
+Windsor, or the Bishop of Durham had been a much more seemly associate
+for one destined as I was for the flood-tide of the world's favour.
+
+My eye at this instant rested upon the date of the letter, which was that
+of the preceding morning, and immediately a thought struck me that, as
+the day was a louring and gloomy one, perhaps they might have deferred
+their journey, and I at once determined to hasten to Callonby, and, if
+possible, see them before their departure.
+
+"Father Brennan," said I, at length, "I have just received a letter which
+compels me to reach Kilrush as soon as possible.  Is there any public
+conveyance in the village?"
+
+"You don't talk of leaving us, surely," said the priest, "and a haunch of
+mutton for dinner, and Fin says he'll be down, and your friend, too, and
+we'll have poor Beamish in on a sofa."
+
+"I am sorry to say my business will not admit of delay, but, if possible,
+I shall return to thank you for all you kindness, in a day or two
+--perhaps tomorrow."
+
+"Oh, then," said Father Brennan, "if it must be so, why you can have
+'Pether,' my own pad, and a better you never laid leg over; only give him
+his own time, and let him keep the 'canter,' and he'll never draw up from
+morning till night; and now I'll just go and have him in readiness for
+you."
+
+After professing my warm acknowledgments to the good father for his
+kindness, I hastened to take a hurried farewell of Curzon before going.
+I found him sitting up in bed taking his breakfast; a large strip of
+black plaster, extending from the corner of one eye across the nose, and
+terminating near the mouth, denoted the locale of a goodly wound, while
+the blue, purple and yellow patches into which his face was partitioned
+out, left you in doubt whether he now resembled the knave of clubs or a
+new map of the Ordnance survey; one hand was wrapped up in a bandage, and
+altogether a more rueful and woe-begone looking figure I have rarely
+looked upon; and most certainly I am of opinion that the "glorious, pious
+and immortal memory" would have brought pleasanter recollections to
+Daniel O'Connell himself, than it would on that morning to the adjutant
+of his majesty's 4_th.
+
+"Ah, Harry," said he, as I entered, "what Pandemonium is this we've got
+into? did you ever witness such a business as last night's?"
+
+"Why truly," said I, "I know of no one to blame but yourself; surely you
+must have known what a fracas your infernal song would bring on."
+
+"I don't know now whether I knew it or not; but certainly at the moment
+I should have preferred anything to the confounded cross-examination I
+was under, and was glad to end it by any coup d'etat.  One wretch was
+persecuting me about green crops, and another about the feeding of
+bullocks; about either of which I knew as much as a bear does of a
+ballet."
+
+"Well, truly, you caused a diversion at some expense to your countenance,
+for I never beheld anything--"
+
+"Stop there," said he, "you surely have not seen the doctor--he beats me
+hollow--they have scarcely left so much hair on his head as would do for
+an Indian's scalp lock; and, of a verity, his aspect is awful this
+morning; he has just been here, and by-the-bye has told me all about your
+affair with Beamish.  It appears that somewhere you met him at dinner,
+and gave a very flourishing account of a relative of his who you informed
+him was not only selected for some very dashing service, but actually the
+personal friend of Picton; and, after the family having blazed the matter
+all over Cork, and given a great entertainment in honor of their kinsman,
+it turns out that, on the glorious 19th, he ran away to Brussels faster
+than even the French to Charleroi; for which act, however, there was no
+aspersion ever cast upon his courage, that quality being defended at the
+expense of his honesty; in a word, he was the paymaster of the company,
+and had what Theodore Hook calls an 'affection of his chest,' that
+required change of air.  Looking only to the running away part of the
+matter, I unluckily expressed some regret that he did not belong to the
+North Cork, and I remarked the doctor did not seem to relish the
+allusion, and as I only now remember, it was his regiment, I suppose
+I'm in for more mischief."
+
+I had no time to enjoy Curzon's dilemma, and had barely informed him of
+my intended departure, when a voice from without the room proclaimed that
+"Pether" was ready, and having commissioned the adjutant to say the
+"proper" to Mr. Beamish and the doctor, hurried away, and after a hearty
+shake of the hand from Father Brennan, and a faithful promise to return
+soon, I mounted and set off.
+
+Peter's pace was of all others the one least likely to disturb the
+lucubrations of a castle-builder like myself; without any admonition from
+whip or spur he maintained a steady and constant canter, which, I am free
+to confess, was more agreeable to sit, than it was graceful to behold;
+for his head being much lower than his tail, he every moment appeared in
+the attitude of a diver about to plunge into the water, and more than
+once I had misgivings that I would consult my safety better if I sat with
+my face to the tail; however, what will not habit accomplish? before I
+had gone a mile or two, I was so lost in my own reveries and reflections,
+that I knew nothing of my mode of progression, and had only thoughts and
+feelings for the destiny that awaited me; sometimes I would fancy myself
+seated in the House of Commons, (on the ministerial benches, of course,)
+while some leading oppositionist was pronouncing a glowing panegyric upon
+the eloquent and statesmanlike speech of the gallant colonel--myself;
+then I thought I was making arrangements for setting out for my new
+appointment, and Sancho Panza never coveted the government of an island
+more than I did, though only a West Indian one; and, lastly, I saw myself
+the chosen diplomate on a difficult mission, and was actually engaged in
+the easy and agreeable occupation of outmaneuvering Talleyrand and Pozzo
+di Borgo, when Peter suddenly drew up at the door of a small cabin, and
+convinced me that I was still a mortal man, and a lieutenant in his
+Majesty's 4_th.  Before I had time afforded me even to guess at the
+reason of this sudden halt, an old man emerged from the cabin, which I
+saw now was a road-side ale-house, and presented Peter with a bucket of
+meal and water, a species of "viaticum" that he evidently was accustomed
+to, at this place, whether bestrode by a priest or an ambassador.  Before
+me lay a long straggling street of cabins, irregularly thrown, as if
+riddled over the ground; this I was informed was Kilkee; while my good
+steed, therefore, was enjoying his potation, I dismounted, to stretch my
+legs and look about me, and scarcely had I done so when I found half the
+population of the village assembled round Peter, whose claims to
+notoriety, I now learned, depended neither upon his owner's fame, nor
+even my temporary possession of him.  Peter, in fact, had been a racer,
+once--when, the wandering Jew might perhaps have told, had he ever
+visited Clare--for not the oldest inhabitant knew the date of his
+triumphs on the turf; though they were undisputed traditions, and never
+did any man appear bold enough to call them in question: whether it was
+from his patriarchal character, or that he was the only race-horse ever
+known in his county I cannot say, but, of a truth, the Grand Lama could
+scarcely be a greater object of reverence in Thibet, than was Peter in
+Kilkee.
+
+"Musha, Peter, but it's well y'r looking," cried one.
+
+"Ah, thin, maybe ye an't fat on the ribs," cried another.
+
+"An' cockin' his tail like a coult," said a third.
+
+I am very certain, if I might venture to judge from the faces about,
+that, had the favourite for the St. Leger, passed through Kilkee at that
+moment, comparisons very little to his favor had been drawn from the
+assemblage around me.  With some difficulty I was permitted to reach my
+much admired steed, and with a cheer, which was sustained and caught up
+by every denizen of the village as I passed through, I rode on my way,
+not a little amused at my equivocal popularity.
+
+Being desirous to lose no time, I diverged from the straight road which
+leads to Kilrush, and took a cross bridle-path to Callonby; this, I
+afterwards discovered was a detour of a mile or two, and it was already
+sun-set when I reached the entrance to the park.  I entered the avenue,
+and now my impatience became extreme, for although Peter continued to
+move at the same uniform pace, I could not persuade myself that he was
+not foundering at every step, and was quite sure we were scarcely
+advancing; at last I reached the wooden bridge, and ascended the steep
+slope, the spot where I had first met her, on whom my every thought now
+rested.  I turned the angle of the clump of beech trees from whence the
+first view of the house is caught--I perceived to my inexpressible
+delight that gleams of light shone from many of the windows, and could
+trace their passing from one to the other.  I now drew rein, and with a
+heart relieved from a load of anxiety, pulled up my good steed, and began
+to think of the position in which a few brief seconds would place me.
+I reached the small flower-garden, sacred by a thousand endearing
+recollections.  Oh! of how very little account are the many words of
+passing kindness, and moments of light-hearted pleasure, when spoken or
+felt, compared to the memory of them when hallowed by time or distance.
+
+"The place, the hour, the sunshine and the shade," all reminded me of the
+happy past, and all brought vividly before me every portion of that dream
+of happiness in which I was so utterly--so completely steeped--every
+thought of the hopelessness of my passion was lost in the intensity of
+it, and I did not, in the ardour of my loving, stop to think of its
+possible success.
+
+It was strange enough that the extreme impatience, the hurried anxiety, I
+had felt and suffered from, while riding up the avenue, had now fled
+entirely, and in its place I felt nothing but a diffident distrust of
+myself, and a vague sense of awkwardness about intruding thus
+unexpectedly upon the family, while engaged in all the cares and
+preparations for a speedy departure.  The hall-door lay as usual wide
+open, the hall itself was strewn and littered with trunks, imperials,
+and packing-cases, and the hundred et ceteras of travelling baggage.
+I hesitated a moment whether I should not ring, but at last resolved to
+enter unannounced, and, presuming upon my intimacy, see what effect my
+sudden appearance would have on Lady Jane, whose feelings towards me
+would be thus most unequivocally tested.  I passed along the wide
+corridor, entered the music-room--it was still--I walked then to the door
+of the drawing-room--I paused--I drew a full breath--my hand trembled
+slightly as I turned the lock--I entered--the room was empty, but the
+blazing fire upon the hearth, the large arm-chairs drawn around, the
+scattered books upon the small tables, all told that it had been
+inhabited a very short time before.  Ah! thought I, looking at my watch,
+they are at dinner, and I began at once to devise a hundred different
+plans to account for my late absence and present visit.  I knew that a
+few minutes would probably bring them into the drawing-room, and I felt
+flurried and heated as the time drew near.  At last I heard voices
+without--I started from the examination of a pencil drawing but partly
+finished, but the artist of which I could not be deceived in--I listened
+--the sounds drew near--I could not distinguish who were the speakers
+--the door-lock turned, and I rose to make my well-conned, but
+half-forgotten speech; and oh, confounded disappointment, Mrs. Herbert,
+the house-keeper, entered.  She started, not expecting to see me, and
+immediately said,
+
+"Oh! Mr. Lorrequer! then you've missed them."
+
+"Missed them!" said I; "how--when--where?"
+
+"Did you not get a note from my lord?"
+
+"No; when was it written?"
+
+"Oh, dear me, that is so very unfortunate.  Why, sir, my lord sent off a
+servant this morning to Kilrush, in Lord Kilkee's tilbury, to request you
+would meet them all in Ennis this evening, where they had intended to
+stop for to-night; and they waited here till near four o'clock to-day,
+but when the servant came back with the intelligence that you were from
+home, and not expected to return soon, they were obliged to set out, and
+are not going to make any delay now, till they reach London.  The last
+direction, however, my lord gave, was to forward her ladyship's letter to
+you as soon as possible."
+
+What I thought, said, or felt, might be a good subject of confession to
+Father Malachi, for I fear it may be recorded among my sins, as I doubt
+not that the agony I suffered vented itself in no measured form of speech
+or conduct; but I have nothing to confess here on the subject, being so
+totally overwhelmed as not to know what I did or said.  My first gleam of
+reason elicited itself by asking,
+
+"Is there, then, no chance of their stopping in Ennis to-night?"  As I
+put the question my mind reverted to Peter and his eternal canter.
+
+"Oh, dear, no, sir; the horses are ordered to take them, since Tuesday;
+and they only thought of staying in Ennis, if you came time enough to
+meet them--and they will be so sorry."
+
+"Do you think so, Mrs. Herbert? do you, indeed, think so?" said I, in a
+most insinuating tone.
+
+"I am perfectly sure of it, sir."
+
+"Oh, Mrs. Herbert, you are too kind to think so; but perhaps--that is
+--may be, Mrs. Herbert, she said something--"
+
+"Who, sir?"
+
+"Lady Callonby, I mean; did her ladyship leave any message for me about
+her plants? or did she remember--"
+
+Mrs. Herbert kept looking at me all the time, with her great wide grey
+eyes, while I kept stammering and blushing like a school-boy.
+
+"No, sir; her ladyship said nothing, sir; but Lady Jane--"
+
+"Yes; well, what of Lady Jane, my dear Mrs. Herbert?"
+
+"Oh, sir! but you look pale; would not you like to have a little wine and
+water--or perhaps--"
+
+"No, thank you, nothing whatever; I am just a little fatigued--but you
+were mentioning--"
+
+"Yes, sir; I was saying that Lady Jane was mighty particular about a
+small plant; she ordered it to be left in her dressing-room, though
+Collins told her to have some of the handsome ones of the green-house,
+she would have nothing but this; and if you were only to hear half the
+directions she gave about keeping it watered, and taking off dead leaves,
+you'd think her heart was set on it."
+
+Mrs. Herbert would have had no cause to prescribe for my paleness had she
+only looked at me this time; fortunately, however, she was engaged,
+housekeeper-like, in bustling among books, papers, &c. which she had come
+in for the purpose of arranging and packing up.  She being left behind to
+bring up the rear, and the heavy baggage.
+
+Very few moments' consideration were sufficient to show me that pursuit
+was hopeless; whatever might have been Peter's performance in the reign
+of "Queen Anne," he had now become like the goose so pathetically
+described by my friend Lover, rather "stiff in his limbs," and the odds
+were fearfully against his overtaking four horses, starting fresh every
+ten miles, not to mention their being some hours in advance already.
+Having declined all Mrs. Herbert's many kind offers, anent food and rest,
+I took a last lingering look at the beautiful pictures, which still held
+its place in the room lately mine, and hurried from a place so full of
+recollections; and, notwithstanding the many reasons I had for
+self-gratulation, every object around and about, filled me with sorrow
+and regret for hours that had passed--never, never to return.
+
+It was very late when I reached my old quarters at Kilrush; Mrs. Healy
+fortunately was in bed asleep--fortunately I say, for had she selected
+that occasion to vent her indignation for my long absence, I greatly fear
+that, in my then temper I should have exhibited but little of that
+Job-like endurance for which I was once esteemed; I entered my little
+mean-looking parlour, with its three chairs and lame table, and, as I
+flung myself upon the wretched substitute for a sofa, and thought upon
+the varied events which a few weeks had brought about; it required the
+aid of her ladyship's letter, which I opened before me, to assure me I
+was not dreaming.
+
+The entire of that night I could not sleep; my destiny seemed upon its
+balance; and, whether the scale inclined to this side or that, good or
+evil fortune seemed to betide me.  How many were my plans and
+resolutions, and how often abandoned; again to be pondered over, and once
+more given up.  The grey dawn of the morning was already breaking, and
+found me still doubting and uncertain.  At last the die was thrown; I
+determined at once to apply for leave to my commanding officer, (which he
+could, if he pleased, give me, without any application to the Horse
+Guards,) set out for Elton, tell Sir Guy my whole adventure, and
+endeavour, by a more moving love story than ever graced even the Minerva
+Press, to induce him to make some settlement on me, and use his influence
+with Lord Callonby in my behalf; this done, set out for London, and then
+--and then--what then?--then for the Morning Post--"Cadeau de noces"
+--"happy couple"--"Lord Callonby's seat in Hampshire," &c. &c.
+
+"You wished to be called at five, sir," said Stubber.
+
+"Yes; is it five o'clock?"
+
+"No, sir; but I heard you call out something about 'four horses,' and I
+thought you might be hurried, so I came a little earlier."
+
+"Quite right, Stubber; let me have my breakfast as soon as possible, and
+see that chestnut horse I brought here last night, fed."
+
+"And now for it," said I, after writing a hurried note to Curzon,
+requesting him to take command of my party at Kilrush, till he heard from
+me, and sending my kindest remembrance to my three friends; I despatched
+the epistle by my servant on Peter, while I hastened to acquire a place in
+the mail for Ennis, on the box seat of which let my kind reader suppose
+me seated, as wrapping my box-coat around me, I lit my cigar and turned
+my eyes towards Limerick.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+CONGRATULATIONS--SICK LEAVE--HOW TO PASS THE BOARD.
+
+I had scarcely seated myself to breakfast at Swinburn's hotel in
+Limerick, when the waiter presented me with a letter.  As my first glance
+at the address showed it to be in Colonel Carden's handwriting, I felt
+not a little alarmed for the consequences of the rash step I had taken in
+leaving my detachment; and, while quickly thronging fancies of arrest and
+courtmartial flitted before me, I summoned resolution at last to break
+the seal, and read as follows:--
+
+     "My dear Lorrequer," ("dear Lorrequer!" dear me, thought I; cool
+     certainly, from one I have ever regarded as an open enemy)--"My dear
+     Lorrequer, I have just accidentally heard of your arrival here, and
+     hasten to inform you, that, as it may not be impossible your reasons
+     for so abruptly leaving your detachment are known to me, I shall not
+     visit your breach of discipline very heavily.  My old and worthy
+     friend, Lord Callonby, who passed through here yesterday, has so
+     warmly interested himself in your behalf, that I feel disposed to do
+     all in my power to serve you; independently of my desire to do so on
+     your own account.  Come over here, then, as soon as possible, and
+     let us talk over your plans together.
+
+                    "Believe me, most truly yours,
+                                             "Henry Carden.
+     "Barracks, 10 o'clock."
+
+However mysterious and difficult to unravel, have been some of the
+circumstances narrated in these "Confessions," I do not scruple to avow
+that the preceding letter was to me by far the most inexplicable piece of
+fortune I had hitherto met with.  That Lord Callonby should have
+converted one whom I believed an implacable foe, into a most obliging
+friend, was intelligible enough, seeing that his lordship had through
+life been the patron of the colonel; but why he had so done, and what
+communications he could possibly have made with regard to me, that
+Colonel Carden should speak of "my plans" and proffer assistance in them
+was a perfect riddle; and the only solution, one so ridiculously
+flattering that I dared not think of it.  I read and re-read the note;
+misplaced the stops; canvassed every expression; did all to detect a
+meaning different from the obvious one, fearful of a self-deception where
+so much was at stake.  Yet there it stood forth, a plain straightforward
+proffer of services, for some object evidently known to the writer; and
+my only conclusion, from all, was this, that "my Lord Callonby was the
+gem of his order, and had a most remarkable talent for selecting a
+son-in-law."
+
+I fell into a deep reverie upon my past life, and the prospects which I
+now felt were opening before me.  Nothing seemed extravagant to hopes so
+well founded--to expectations so brilliant--and, in my mind's eye, I
+beheld myself at one moment leading my young and beautiful bride through
+the crowded salons of Devonshire House; and, at the next, I was
+contemplating the excellence and perfection of my stud arrangements at
+Melton, for I resolved not to give up hunting.  While in this pleasurable
+exercise of my fancy, I was removing from before me some of the breakfast
+equipage, or, as I then believed it, breaking the trees into better
+groups upon my lawn, I was once more brought to the world and its dull
+reality, by the following passage which my eye fell upon in the newspaper
+before me--"We understand that the 4_th are daily expecting the route for
+Cork, from whence they are to sail, early in the ensuing month for
+Halifax, to relieve the 99th."  While it did not take a moment's
+consideration to show me that though the regiment there mentioned was the
+one I belonged to, I could have no possible interest in the announcement;
+it never coming into my calculation that I should submit to such
+expatriation; yet it gave me a salutary warning that there was no time
+to be lost in making my application for leave, which, once obtained,
+I should have ample time to manage an exchange into another corps.
+The wonderful revolution a few days had effected in all my tastes and
+desires, did not escape me at this moment.  But a week or two before and
+I should have regarded an order for foreign service as anything rather
+than unpleasant--now the thought was insupportable.  Then there would
+have been some charm to me in the very novelty of the locale, and the
+indulgence of that vagrant spirit I have ever possessed; for, like
+Justice Woodcock, "I certainly should have been a vagabond if Providence
+had not made me a justice of the peace"--now, I could not even
+contemplate the thing as possible; and would have actually refused the
+command of a regiment, if the condition of its acceptance were to sail
+for the colonies.
+
+Besides, I tried--and how ingenious is self-deception--I tried to find
+arguments in support of my determination totally different from the
+reasons which governed me.  I affected to fear climate, and to dread the
+effect of the tropics upon my health.  It may do very well, thought I,
+for men totally destitute of better prospects; with neither talent,
+influence or powerful connexion, to roast their cheeks at Sierra Leone,
+or suck a sugar-cane at St. Lucia.  But that you, Harry Lorrequer, should
+waste your sweetness upon planters' daughters--that have only to be
+known, to have the world at your feet!  The thing is absurd, and not to
+be thought of!  Yes, said I half aloud--we read in the army list, that
+Major A. is appointed to the 50th, and Capt. B. to the 12th; but how much
+more near the truth would it be, to say--"That His Majesty, in
+consideration of the distinguished services of the one, has been
+graciously pleased to appoint him to--a case of blue and collapsed
+cholera, in India; and also, for the bravery and gallant conduct of the
+other, in his late affair with the 'How-dow-dallah Indians,' has promoted
+him to the--yellow fever now devastating and desolating Jamaica."  How
+far my zeal for the service might have carried me on this point, I know
+not; for I was speedily aroused from my musings by the loud tramp of feet
+upon the stairs, and the sound of many well-known voices of my brother
+officers, who were coming to visit me.
+
+"So, Harry, my boy," said the fat major as he entered; "is it true we are
+not to have the pleasure of your company to Jamaica this time?"
+
+"He prefers a pale face, it seems, to a black one; and certainly, with
+thirty thousand in the same scale, the taste is excusable."
+
+"But, Lorrequer," said a third, "we heard that you had canvassed the
+county on the Callonby interest.  Why, man, where do you mean to pull
+up?"
+
+"As for me," lisped a large-eyed, white-haired ensign of three months'
+standing, "I think it devilish hard, old Carden didn't send ME down
+there, too, for I hear there are two girls in the family.  Eh,
+Lorrequer?"
+
+Having with all that peculiar bashfulness such occasions are sure to
+elicit, disclaimed the happiness my friends so clearly ascribed to me,
+I yet pretty plainly let it be understood that the more brilliant they
+supposed my present prospects to be, the more near were they to estimate
+them justly.  One thing certainly gratified me throughout.  All seemed
+rejoiced at my good fortune, and even the old Scotch paymaster made no
+more caustic remark than that he "wad na wonder if the chiel's black
+whiskers wad get him made governor of Stirling Castle before he'd dee."
+
+Should any of my most patient listeners to these my humble confessions,
+wonder either here, or elsewhere, upon what very slight foundations I
+built these my "Chateaux en Espagne," I have only one answer--"that from
+my boyhood I have had a taste for florid architecture, and would rather
+put up with any inconvenience of ground, than not build at all."
+
+As it was growing late I hurriedly bade adieu to my friends, and hastened
+to Colonel Carden's quarters, where I found him waiting for me, in
+company with my old friend, Fitzgerald, our regimental surgeon.  Our
+first greetings over, the colonel drew me aside into a window, and said
+that, from certain expressions Lord Callonby had made use of--certain
+hints he had dropped--he was perfectly aware of the delicate position in
+which I stood with respect to his lordship's family.  "In fact, my dear
+Lorrequer," he continued, "without wishing in the least to obtrude myself
+upon your confidence, I must yet be permitted to say, you are the
+luckiest fellow in Europe, and I most sincerely congratulate you on the
+prospect before you."
+
+"But, my dear Colonel, I assure you--"
+
+"Well, well, there--not a word more; don't blush now.  I know there is
+always a kind of secrecy thought necessary on these occasions, for the
+sake of other parties; so let us pass to your plans.  From what I have
+collected, you have not yet proposed formally.  But, of course you desire
+a leave.  You'll not quit the army, I trust; no necessity for that; such
+influence as yours can always appoint you to an unattached commission."
+
+"Once more let me protest, sir, that though for certain reasons most
+desirous to obtain a leave of absence, I have not the most remote--"
+
+"That's right, quite right; I am sincerely gratified to hear you say so,
+and so will be Lord Callonby; for he likes the service."
+
+And thus was my last effort at a disclaimer cut short by the loquacious
+little colonel, who regarded my unfinished sentence as a concurrence with
+his own opinion.
+
+"Allah il Allah," thought I, "it is my Lord Callonby's own plot; and his
+friend Colonel Cardon aids and abets him."
+
+"Now, Lorrequer," resumed the colonel, "let us proceed.  You have, of
+course, heard that we are ordered abroad; mere newspaper report for the
+present; nevertheless, it is extremely difficult--almost impossible,
+without a sick certificate, to obtain a leave sufficiently long for your
+purpose."
+
+And here he smirked, and I blushed, selon les regles..
+
+"A sick certificate," said I in some surprise.
+
+"The only thing for you," said Fitzgerald, taking a long pinch of snuff;
+"and I grieve to say you have a most villainous look of good health about
+you."
+
+"I must acknowledge I have seldom felt better."
+
+"So much the worse--so much the worse," said Fitzgerald despondingly.
+"Is there no family complaint; no respectable heir-loom of infirmity, you
+can lay claim to from your kindred?"
+
+"None, that I know of, unless a very active performance on the several
+occasions of breakfast, dinner, and supper, with a tendency towards port,
+and an inclination to sleep ten in every twenty-four hours, be a sign of
+sickness; these symptoms I have known many of the family suffer for
+years, without the slightest alleviation, though, strange as it may
+appear, they occasionally had medical advice."
+
+Fitz. took no notice of my sneer at the faculty, but proceeded to strike
+my chest several times, with his finger tips.  "Try a short cough now,"
+said he.  "Ah, that will never do!"
+
+"Do you ever flush.  Before dinner I mean?"
+
+"Occasionally, when I meet with a luncheon."
+
+"I'm fairly puzzled," said poor Fitz. throwing himself into a chair;
+"gout is a very good thing; but, then, you see you are only a sub., and
+it is clearly against the articles of war, to have it before being a
+field officer at least.  Apoplexy is the best I can do for you; and, to
+say the truth, any one who witnesses your performance at mess, may put
+faith in the likelihood of it.
+
+"Do you think you could get up a fit for the medical board," said Fitz.,
+gravely.
+
+"Why, if absolutely indispensable," said I, "and with good instruction
+--something this way.  Eh, is it not?"
+
+"Nothing of the kind: you are quite wrong."
+
+"Is there not always a little laughing and crying," said I.
+
+"Oh, no, no; take the cue from the paymaster any evening after mess, and
+you'll make no mistake--very florid about the cheeks; rather a lazy look
+in one eye, the other closed up entirely; snore a little from time to
+time, and don't be too much disposed to talk."
+
+"And you think I may pass muster in this way."
+
+"Indeed you may, if old Camie, the inspector, happen to be (what he is
+not often) in a good humour.  But I confess I'd rather you were really
+ill, for we've passed a great number of counterfeits latterly, and we may
+be all pulled up ere long."
+
+"Not the less grateful for your kindness," said I; "but still, I'd rather
+matters stood as they do."
+
+Having, at length, obtained a very formidable statement of my 'case' from
+the Doctor, and a strong letter from the Colonel, deploring the temporary
+loss of so promising a young officer, I committed myself and my
+portmanteau to the inside of his Majesty's mail, and started for Dublin
+with as light a heart and high spirits, as were consistent with so much
+delicacy of health, and the directions of my Doctor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX.
+
+THE ROAD--TRAVELLING ACQUAINTANCES--A PACKET ADVENTURE.
+
+I shall not stop now to narrate the particulars of my visit to the
+worthies of the medical board; the rather, as some of my "confessions
+to come" have reference to Dublin, and many of those that dwell therein.
+I shall therefore content myself here with stating, that without any
+difficulty I obtained a six months' leave, and having received much
+advice and more sympathy from many members of that body, took a
+respectful leave of them, and adjourned to Bilton's where I had ordered
+dinner, and (as I was advised to live low) a bottle of Sneyd's claret.
+My hours in Dublin were numbered; at eight o'clock on the evening of my
+arrival I hastened to the Pidgeon House pier, to take my berth in the
+packet for Liverpool; and here, gentle reader, let me implore you if you
+have bowels of compassion, to commiserate the condition of a sorry mortal
+like myself.  In the days of which I now speak, steam packets were not
+--men knew not then, of the pleasure of going to a comfortable bed in
+Kingstown harbour, and waking on the morning after in the Clarence dock
+at Liverpool, with only the addition of a little sharper appetite for
+breakfast, before they set out on an excursion of forty miles per hour
+through the air.
+
+In the time I have now to commemorate, the intercourse between the two
+countries was maintained by two sailing vessels of small tonnage, and
+still scantier accommodation.  Of the one now in question I well
+recollect the name--she was called the "Alert," and certainly a more
+unfortunate misnomer could scarcely be conceived.  Well, there was no
+choice; so I took my place upon the crowded deck of the little craft, and
+in a drizzling shower of chilly rain, and amid more noise, confusion, and
+bustle, than would prelude the launch of a line-of-battle ship, we
+"sidled," goose-fashion, from the shore, and began our voyage towards
+England.
+
+It is not my intention, in the present stage of "my Confessions," to
+delay on the road towards an event which influenced so powerfully, and so
+permanently, my after life; yet I cannot refrain from chronicling a
+slight incident which occurred on board the packet, and which, I have no
+doubt, may be remembered by some of those who throw their eyes on these
+pages.
+
+One of my fellow-passengers was a gentleman holding a high official
+appointment in the viceregal court, either comptroller of the household,
+master of the horse, or something else equally magnificent; however,
+whatever the nature of the situation, one thing is certain--one possessed
+of more courtly manners, and more polished address, cannot be conceived,
+to which he added all the attractions of a very handsome person and a
+most prepossessing countenance.  The only thing the most scrupulous
+critic could possibly detect as faulty in his whole air and bearing, was
+a certain ultra refinement and fastidiousness, which in a man of
+acknowledged family and connections was somewhat unaccountable, and
+certainly unnecessary.  The fastidiousness I speak of, extended to
+everything round and about him; he never eat of the wrong dish, nor spoke
+to the wrong man in his life, and that very consciousness gave him a kind
+of horror of chance acquaintances, which made him shrink within himself
+from persons in every respect his equals.  Those who knew Sir Stewart
+Moore, will know I do not exaggerate in either my praise or censure, and
+to those who have not had that pleasure, I have only to say, theirs was
+the loss, and they must take my word for the facts.
+
+The very antithesis to the person just mentioned, was another passenger
+then on board.  She, for even in sex they were different--she was a
+short, squat, red-faced, vulgar-looking woman, of about fifty, possessed
+of a most garrulous tendency, and talking indiscriminately with every one
+about her, careless what reception her addresses met with, and quite
+indifferent to the many rebuffs she momentarily encountered.  To me by
+what impulse driven Heaven knows this amorphous piece of womanhood seemed
+determined to attach herself.  Whether in the smoky and almost
+impenetrable recesses of the cabin, or braving the cold and penetrating
+rain upon deck, it mattered not, she was ever at my side, and not only
+martyring me by the insufferable annoyance of her vulgar loquacity, but
+actually, from the appearance of acquaintanceship such constant
+association gave rise to, frightening any one else from conversing with
+me, and rendering me, ere many hours, a perfect pariah among the
+passengers.  By not one were we--for, alas, we had become Siamese--so
+thoroughly dreaded as by the refined baronet I have mentioned; he
+appeared to shrink from our very approach, and avoided us as though we
+had the plagues of Egypt about us.  I saw this--I felt it deeply, and as
+deeply and resolutely I vowed to be revenged, and the time was not long
+distant in affording me the opportunity.
+
+The interesting Mrs. Mulrooney, for such was my fair companion called,
+was on the present occasion making her debut on what she was pleased to
+call the "says;" she was proceeding to the Liverpool market as proprietor
+and supercargo over some legion of swine that occupied the hold of the
+vessel, and whose mellifluous tones were occasionally heard in all
+parts of the ship.  Having informed me on these, together with some
+circumstances of her birth and parentage, she proceeded to narrate some
+of the cautions given by her friends as to her safety when making such a
+long voyage, and also to detail some of the antiseptics to that dread
+scourge, sea-sickness, in the fear and terror of which she had come on
+board, and seemed every hour to be increasing in alarm about.
+
+"Do you think then sir, that pork is no good agin the sickness?  Mickey,
+that's my husband, sir, says it's the only thing in life for it, av it's
+toasted."
+
+"Not the least use, I assure you."
+
+"Nor sperits and wather?"
+
+"Worse and worse, ma'am."
+
+"Oh, thin, maybe oaten mail tay would do? it's a beautiful thing for the
+stomick, any how."
+
+"Rank poison on the present occasion, believe me."
+
+"Oh, then, blessed Mary, what am I to do--what is to become of me?"
+
+"Go down at once to your berth, ma'am; lie still and without speaking
+till we come in sight of land; or," and here a bright thought seized me,
+"if you really feel very ill, call for that man there, with the fur
+collar on his coat; he can give you the only thing I ever knew of any
+efficacy; he's the steward, ma'am, Stewart Moore; but you must be on your
+guard too as you are a stranger, for he's a conceited fellow, and has
+saved a trifle, and sets up for a half gentleman; so don't be surprised
+at his manner; though, after all, you may find him very different; some
+people, I've heard, think him extremely civil."
+
+"And he has a cure, ye say?"
+
+"The only one I ever heard of; it is a little cordial of which you take,
+I don't know how much, every ten or fifteen minutes."
+
+"And the naygur doesn't let the saycret out, bad manners to him?"
+
+"No, ma'am; he has refused every offer on the subject.'
+
+"May I be so bowld as to ax his name again?"
+
+"Stewart Moore, ma'am.  Moore is the name, but people always call him
+Stewart Moore; just say that in a loud clear voice, and you'll soon have
+him."
+
+With the most profuse protestations of gratitude and promises of pork "at
+discretion," if I ever sojourned at Ballinasloe, my fair friend proceeded
+to follow my advice, and descended to the cabin.
+
+Some hours after, I also betook myself to my rest, from which, however,
+towards midnight I was awoke by the heavy working and pitching of the
+little vessel, as she laboured in a rough sea.  As I looked forth from my
+narrow crib, a more woe-begone picture can scarcely be imagined than that
+before me.  Here and there through the gloomy cabin lay the victims of
+the fell malady, in every stage of suffering, and in every attitude of
+misery.  Their cries and lamentings mingled with the creaking of the
+bulk-heads and the jarring twang of the dirty lamp, whose irregular swing
+told plainly how oscillatory was our present motion.  I turned from the
+unpleasant sight, and was about again to address myself to slumber with
+what success I might, when I started at the sound of a voice in the very
+berth next to me--whose tones, once heard, there was no forgetting.  The
+words ran as nearly as I can recollect thus:--
+
+"Oh, then, bad luck to ye for pigs, that ever brought me into the like of
+this.  Oh, Lord, there it is again."  And here a slight interruption to
+eloquence took place, during which I was enabled to reflect upon the
+author of the complaint, who, I need not say, was Mrs. Mulrooney.
+
+"I think a little tay would settle my stomach, if I only could get it;
+but what's the use of talking in this horrid place?  They never mind me
+no more than if I was a pig.  Steward, steward--oh, then, it's wishing
+you well I am for a steward.  Steward, I say;" and this she really did
+say, with an energy of voice and manner that startled more than one
+sleeper.  "Oh, you're coming at last, steward."
+
+"Ma'am," said a little dapper and dirty personage, in a blue jacket, with
+a greasy napkin negligently thrown over one arm "ex officio," "Ma'am, did
+you call?"
+
+"Call, is it call?  No; but I'm roaring for you this half hour.  Come
+here.  Have you any of the cordial dhrops agin the sickness?--you know
+what I mean."
+
+"Is it brandy, ma'am?"
+
+"No, it isn't brandy;"
+
+"We have got gin, ma'am, and bottled porter--cider, ma'am, if you like."
+
+"Agh, no! sure I want the dhrops agin the sickness."
+
+"Don't know indeed, ma'am."
+
+"Ah, you stupid creature; maybe you're not the real steward.  What's your
+name?"
+
+"Smith, ma'am."
+
+"Ah, I thought so; go away, man, go away."
+
+This injunction, given in a diminuendo cadence, was quickly obeyed, and
+all was silence for a moment or two.  Once more was I dropping asleep,
+when the same voice as before burst out with--
+
+"Am I to die here like a haythen, and nobody to come near me?  Steward,
+steward, steward Moore, I say,"
+
+"Who calls me?" said a deep sonorous voice from the opposite side of the
+cabin, while at the same instant a tall green silk nightcap, surmounting
+a very aristocratic-looking forehead, appeared between the curtains of
+the opposite berth.
+
+"Steward Moore," said the lady again, with her eyes straining in the
+direction of the door by which she expected him to enter.
+
+"This is most strange," muttered the baronet, half aloud.  "Why, madam,
+you are calling me!"
+
+"And if I am," said Mrs. Mulrooney, "and if ye heerd me, have ye no
+manners to answer your name, eh?  Are ye steward Moore?"
+
+"Upon my soul ma'am I thought so last night, when I came on board; but
+you really have contrived to make me doubt my own identity."
+
+"And is it there ye're lying on the broad of yer back, and me as sick as
+a dog fornent ye?"
+
+"I concede ma'am the fact; the position is a most irksome one on every
+account."
+
+"Then why don't ye come over to me?" and this Mrs. Mulrooney said with a
+voice of something like tenderness--wishing at all hazards to conciliate
+so important a functionary.
+
+"Why, really you are the most incomprehensible person I ever met."
+
+"I'm what?" said Mrs. Mulrooney, her blood rushing to her face and
+temples as she spoke--for the same reason as her fair townswoman is
+reported to have borne with stoical fortitude every harsh epithet of the
+language, until it occurred to her opponent to tell her that "the divil a
+bit better she was nor a pronoun;" so Mrs. Mulrooney, taking "omne
+ignotum pro horribili," became perfectly beside herself at the unlucky
+phrase.  "I'm what? repate it av ye dare, and I'll tear yer eyes out?  Ye
+dirty bla--guard, to be lying there at yer ease under the blankets,
+grinning at me.  What's your thrade--answer me that--av it isn't to wait
+on the ladies, eh?"
+
+"Oh, the woman must be mad," said Sir Stewart.
+
+"The devil a taste mad, my dear--I'm only sick.  Now just come over to
+me, like a decent creature, and give me the dhrop of comfort ye have.
+Come, avick."
+
+"Go over to you?"
+
+"Ay, and why not? or if it's so lazy ye are, why then I'll thry and cross
+over to your side."
+
+These words being accompanied by a certain indication of change of
+residence on the part of Mrs. Mulrooney, Sir Stewart perceived there was
+no time to lose, and springing from his berth, he rushed half-dressed
+through the cabin, and up the companion-ladder, just as Mrs. Mulrooney
+had protruded a pair of enormous legs from her couch, and hung for a
+moment pendulous before she dropped upon the floor, and followed him to
+the deck.  A tremendous shout of laughter from the sailors and deck
+passengers prevented my hearing the dialogue which ensued; nor do I yet
+know how Mrs. Mulrooney learned her mistake.  Certain it is, she no more
+appeared among the passengers in the cabin, and Sir Stewart's manner the
+following morning at breakfast amply satisfied me that I had had my
+revenge.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X.
+
+UPSET--MIND--AND BODY.
+
+No sooner in Liverpool, than I hastened to take my place in the earliest
+conveyance for London.  At that time the Umpire Coach was the perfection
+of fast travelling; and seated behind the box, enveloped in a sufficiency
+of broad-cloth, I turned my face towards town with as much anxiety and as
+ardent expectations as most of those about me.  All went on in the
+regular monotonous routine of such matters until we reached Northampton,
+passing down the steep street of which town, the near wheel-horse
+stumbled and fell; the coach, after a tremendous roll to one side,
+toppled over on the other, and with a tremendous crash, and sudden shock,
+sent all the outsides, myself among the number, flying through the air
+like sea-gulls.  As for me, after describing a very respectable parabola,
+my angle of incidence landed me in a bonnet-maker's shop, having passed
+through a large plate-glass window, and destroyed more leghorns and
+dunstables than a year's pay would recompense.  I have but light
+recollection of the details of that occasion, until I found myself lying
+in a very spacious bed at the George Inn, having been bled in both arms,
+and discovering by the multitude of bandages in which I was enveloped,
+that at least some of my bones were broken by the fall.  That such fate
+had befallen my collar-bone and three of my ribs I soon learned; and was
+horror-struck at hearing from the surgeon who attended me, that four or
+five weeks would be the very earliest period I could bear removal with
+safety.  Here then at once was a large deduction from my six months'
+leave, not to think of the misery that awaited me for such a time,
+confined to my bed in an inn, without books, friends, or acquaintances.
+However even this could be remedied by patience, and summoning up all I
+could command, I "bided my time," but not before I had completed a term
+of two months' imprisonment, and had become, from actual starvation,
+something very like a living transparency.
+
+No sooner, however, did I feel myself once more on the road, than my
+spirits rose, and I felt myself as full of high hope and buoyant
+expectancy as ever.  It was late at night when I arrived in London.
+I drove to a quiet hotel in the west-end; and the following morning
+proceeded to Portman-square, bursting with impatience to see my friends
+the Callonbys, and recount all my adventures--for as I was too ill to
+write from Northampton, and did not wish to entrust to a stranger the
+office of communicating with them, I judged that they must be exceedingly
+uneasy on my account, and pictured to myself the thousand emotions my
+appearance so indicative of illness would give rise to; and could
+scarcely avoid running in my impatience to be once more among them.  How
+Lady Jane would meet me, I thought of over again and again; whether the
+same cautious reserve awaited me, or whether her family's approval would
+have wrought a change in her reception of me, I burned to ascertain.  As
+my thoughts ran on in this way, I found myself at the door; but was much
+alarmed to perceive that the closed window-shutters and dismantled look
+of the house proclaimed them from home.  I rung the bell, and soon
+learned from a servant, whose face I had not seen before, that the family
+had gone to Paris about a month before, with the intention of spending
+the winter there.  I need not say how grievously this piece of
+intelligence disappointed me, and for a minute or two I could not
+collect my thoughts.  At last the servant said:
+
+"If you have any thing very particular, sir, that my Lord's lawyer can
+do, I can give you his address."
+
+"No, thank you--nothing;" at the same time I muttered to myself, "I'll
+have some occupation for him though ere long.  The family were all quite
+well, didn't you say?"
+
+"Yes sir, perfectly well.  My Lord had only a slight cold,"
+
+"Ah--yes--and there address is 'Meurice;' very well."
+
+So saying I turned from the door, and with slower steps than I had come,
+returned to my hotel.
+
+My immediate resolve was to set out for Paris; my second was to visit my
+uncle, Sir Guy Lorrequer, first, and having explained to him the nature
+of my position, and the advantageous prospects before me, endeavour to
+induce him to make some settlement on Lady Jane, in the event of my
+obtaining her family's consent to our marriage.  This, from his liking
+great people much, and laying great stress upon the advantages of
+connexion, I looked upon as a matter of no great difficulty; so that,
+although my hopes of happiness were delayed in their fulfilment, I
+believed they were only about to be the more securely realized.  The same
+day I set out for Elton, and by ten o'clock at night reached my uncle's
+house.  I found the old gentleman looking just as I had left him three
+years before, complaining a little of gout in the left foot--praising his
+old specific, port-wine--abusing his servants for robbing him--and
+drinking the Duke of Wellington's health every night after supper; which
+meal I had much pleasure in surprising him at on my arrival--not having
+eaten since my departure from London.
+
+"Well, Harry," said my uncle, when the servants had left the room, and we
+drew over the spider table to the fire to discuss our wine with comfort,
+"what good wind has blown you down to me, my boy? for it's odd enough,
+five minutes before I heard the wheels on the gravel I was just wishing
+some good fellow would join me at the grouse--and you see I have had my
+wish!  The old story, I suppose, 'out of cash.'  Would not come down here
+for nothing--eh?  Come, lad, tell truth; is it not so?"
+
+"Why, not exactly, sir; but I really had rather at present talk about
+you, than about my own matters, which we can chat over tomorrow.  How do
+you get on, sir, with the Scotch steward?"
+
+"He's a rogue, sir--a cheat--a scoundrel; but it is the same with them
+all; and your cousin, Harry--your cousin, that I have reared from his
+infancy to be my heir, (pleasant topic for me!) he cares no more for me
+than the rest of them, and would never come near me, if it were not that,
+like yourself, he was hard run for money, and wanted to wheedle me out of
+a hundred or two."
+
+"But you forget, sir--I told you I have not come with such an object."
+
+"We'll see that--we'll see that in the morning," replied he, with an
+incredulous shake of the head.
+
+"But Guy, sir--what has Guy done?"
+
+"What has he not done?  No sooner did he join that popinjay set of
+fellows, the __th hussars, than he turned out, what he calls a
+four-in-hand drag, which dragged nine hundred pounds out of my pocket
+--then he has got a yacht at Cowes--a grouse mountain in Scotland--and
+has actually given Tattersall an unlimited order to purchase the
+Wreckinton pack of harriers, which he intends to keep for the use of the
+corps.  In a word, there is not an amusement of that villanous regiment,
+not a flask of champagne drank at their mess, I don't bear my share in
+the cost of; all through the kind offices of your worthy cousin, Guy
+Lorrequer."
+
+This was an exceedingly pleasant expose for me, to hear of my cousin
+indulged in every excess of foolish extravagance by his rich uncle, while
+I, the son of an elder brother who unfortunately called me by his own
+name, Harry, remained the sub. in a marching regiment, with not three
+hundred pounds a year above my pay, and whom any extravagance, if such
+had been proved against me would have deprived of even that small
+allowance.  My uncle however did not notice the chagrin with which I
+heard his narrative, but continued to detail various instances of wild
+and reckless expense the future possessor of his ample property had
+already launched into.
+
+Anxious to say something without well-knowing what, I hinted that
+probably my good cousin would reform some of these days, and marry.
+
+"Marry," said my uncle; "yes, that, I believe, is the best thing we can
+do with him; and I hope now the matter is in good train--so the latest
+accounts say, at least."
+
+"Ah, indeed," said I, endeavouring to take an interest where I really
+felt none--for my cousin and I had never been very intimate friends, and
+the differences in our fortunes had not, at least to my thinking, been
+compensated by any advances which he, under the circumstances, might have
+made to me.
+
+"Why, Harry, did you not hear of it?" said my uncle.
+
+"No--not a word, sir."
+
+"Very strange, indeed--a great match, Harry--a very great match, indeed."
+
+"Some rich banker's daughter," thought I.  "What will he say when he
+hears of my fortune?"
+
+"A very fine young woman, too, I understand--quite the belle of London
+--and a splendid property left by an aunt."
+
+I was bursting to tell him of my affair, and that he had another nephew,
+to whom if common justice were rendered, his fortune was as certainly
+made for life.
+
+"Guy's business happened this way," continued my uncle, who was quite
+engrossed by the thought of his favourite's success.  "The father of the
+young lady met him in Ireland, or Scotland, or some such place, where he
+was with his regiment--was greatly struck with his manner and address
+--found him out to be my nephew--asked him to his house--and, in fact,
+almost threw this lovely girl at his head before they were two months
+acquainted."
+
+"As nearly as possible my own adventure," thought I, laughing to myself.
+
+"But you have not told me who they are, sir," said I, dying to have his
+story finished, and to begin mine.
+
+"I'm coming to that--I'm coming to that.  Guy came down here, but did not
+tell me one word of his having ever met the family, but begged me to give
+him an introduction to them, as they were in Paris, where he was going on
+a short leave; and the first thing I heard of the matter was a letter
+from the papa, demanding from me if Guy was to be my heir, and asking
+'how far his attentions in his family, met with my approval.'"
+
+"Then how did you know sir that they were previously known to each
+other?"
+
+"The family lawyer told me, who heard it all talked over."
+
+"And why, then, did Guy get the letter of introduction from you, when he
+was already acquainted with them?"
+
+"I am sure I cannot tell, except that you know he always does every thing
+unlike every one else, and to be sure the letter seems to have excited
+some amusement.  I must show you his answer to my first note to know how
+all was going on; for I felt very anxious about matters, when I heard
+from some person who had met them, that Guy was everlastingly in the
+house, and that Lord Callonby could not live without him."
+
+"Lord who, sir?" said I in a voice that made the old man upset his glass,
+and spring from his chair in horror.
+
+"What the devil is the matter with the boy.  What makes you so pale?"
+
+"Whose name did you say at that moment, sir," said I with a slowness of
+speech that cost me agony.
+
+"Lord Callonby, my old schoolfellow and fag at Eton."
+
+"And the lady's name, sir?" said I, in scarcely an audible whisper.
+
+"I'm sure I forget her name; but here's the letter from Guy, and I think
+he mentions her name in the postscript."
+
+I snatched rudely the half-opened letter from the old man, as he was
+vainly endeavouring to detect the place he wanted, and read as follows:
+
+"My adored Jane is all your fondest wishes for my happiness could
+picture, and longs to see her dear uncle, as she already calls you on
+every occasion."  I read no more--my eyes swam--the paper, the candles,
+every thing before me, was misty and confused; and although I heard my
+uncle's voice still going on, I knew nothing of what he said.
+
+For some time my mind could not take in the full extent of the base
+treachery I had met with, and I sat speechless and stupified.  By degrees
+my faculties became clearer, and with one glance I read the whole
+business, from my first meeting with them at Kilrush to the present
+moment.  I saw that in their attentions to me, they thought they were
+winning the heir of Elton, the future proprietor of fifteen thousand per
+annum.  From this tangled web of heartless intrigue I turned my thoughts
+to Lady Jane herself.  How had she betrayed me! for certainly she had not
+only received, but encouraged my addresses--and so soon, too.--To think
+that at the very moment when my own precipitate haste to see her had
+involved me in a nearly fatal accident, she was actually receiving the
+attentions of another!  Oh, it was too, too bad.
+
+But enough--even now I can scarcely dwell upon the memory of that moment,
+when the hopes and dreams of many a long day and night were destined to
+be thus rudely blighted.  I seized the first opportunity of bidding my
+uncle good night; and having promised him to reveal all my plans on the
+morrow, hurried to my room.
+
+My plans! alas, I had none--that one fatal paragraph had scattered them
+to the winds; and I threw myself upon my bed, wretched and almost
+heart-broken.
+
+I have once before in these "Confessions" claimed to myself the
+privilege, not inconsistent with a full disclosure of the memorabilia of
+my life, to pass slightly over those passages, the burden of which was
+unhappy, and whose memory is painful.  I must now, therefore, claim the
+"benefit of this act," and beg of the reader to let me pass from this sad
+portion of my history, and for the full expression of my mingled rage,
+contempt, disappointment, and sorrow, let me beg of him to receive
+instead, what a learned pope once gave as his apology for not reading a
+rather polysyllabic word in a Latin letter--"As for this," said he,
+looking at the phrase in question, "soit qui'l dit," so say I.  And now
+--en route.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Volume 2
+
+[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]
+
+
+Dublin
+
+MDCCCXXXIX.
+
+
+
+Volume 2. (Chapters XI. to XVII.)
+
+
+Contents:
+
+CHAPTER XI
+Cheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend
+
+CHAPTER XII
+Dublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+Dublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society
+
+CHAPTER XIV
+The Chase
+
+CHAPTER XV
+Mems Of the North Cork
+
+CHAPTER XVI
+Theatricals
+
+CHAPTER XVI* (This chapter number is repeated in the print copy.)
+The Wager
+
+CHAPTER XVII
+The Elopement
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XI.
+
+CHELTENHAM--MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE--SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A FRIEND.
+
+It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of the
+Old Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"--no companion save my
+half-finished decanter of port.  I had drawn my chair to the corner of
+the ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the
+incidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have
+still to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless
+labour, and disastrous idleness.  The dreary aspect of the large and
+ill-lighted room--the close-curtained boxes--the unsocial look of every
+thing and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the verge
+of becoming excessively sentimental--the unbroken silence, where several
+people were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressed
+and dejected.  So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel ticked
+sharply on--the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair,
+and now snored louder--the gentleman who read the Times had got the
+Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements.
+The father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six,
+sat still and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the
+silence around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the
+table. The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled
+man, who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his
+feet, rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to
+sip a little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two
+hours. I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently
+trivial circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and
+most important movements induced--had the near wheeler of the Umpire
+been only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might--but let
+me continue.  The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily
+increased.  But three months before, and my prospects presented every
+thing that was fairest and brightest--now all the future was dark and
+dismal.  Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune
+--now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy.  It
+was singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not
+these Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very
+penetralia of my heart; but singular it certainly was--and so I have
+always felt it since, when reflecting on it--that although much and
+warmly attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I
+must call her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea
+of my mind on the subject was, what will the mess say--what will they
+think at head-quarters?--the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed
+allusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each
+of my comrades took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all,
+the most difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join
+my regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his
+labour on the expiration of his holidays.  I had framed to myself all
+manner of ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an
+exchange into an African corps--sometimes to leave the army altogether.
+However, I turned the affair over in my mind--innumerable difficulties
+presented themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still
+point, in which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for the
+slightest impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter
+what suggestion.  In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine,
+and watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe conscience, I
+might retire to my bed, when the waiter roused me by demanding if my
+name was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a gentleman having seen my card in the
+bar, had been making inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel.
+
+"Yes," said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one
+here, that I can remember."
+
+"The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, and
+here he is."
+
+At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a
+very sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and
+unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly
+countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom I
+had served in the Peninsula.
+
+Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold
+speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite
+sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, and
+what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic--that he was perfectly famished,
+and desired a hot supper, "de suite."
+
+Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite,
+proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows:
+
+There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not
+absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long
+career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with the
+moderate fortune of two hundred thousand.  He possessed, in addition, a
+son and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had long
+since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his
+intention of leaving all his wealth.  That she was beautiful as an angel
+--highly accomplished--gifted--agreeable--and all that, Jack, who had
+never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutely
+on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally the
+want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assured
+did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible," (I use his own
+expression,) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come down
+express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once.
+
+"But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known
+her father?"
+
+"Known him?  I never saw him."
+
+"Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his
+acquaintance.  Do you intend to make him a 'particeps criminis' in the
+elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid
+out of his own money?"
+
+"Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess,
+my genius always stood unrivalled--acknowledge, if you are not dead to
+gratitude--acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bed
+in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of
+your humble servant--avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to be
+purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly
+kept no fast days.  I need not remind you of the cold morning on the
+retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the
+halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged in
+devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-boots
+the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks."
+
+"True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair,
+time considered, does appear rather difficult."
+
+"And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it?  No, no, Harry.  I
+put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousand
+pounds pin-money.  But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme,
+has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction."
+
+"Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!"
+
+"The plan! oh, the plan.  Why, I have several; but since I have seen you,
+and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new mode
+of opening the trenches."
+
+"Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of
+light upon the affair."
+
+"There are you quite wrong.  Just hear me out without interruption, and
+I'll explain.  I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel
+--'Hydrabad Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?--then I shall proceed to
+make a tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously
+ill in his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from
+my gig at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't much
+care which.  Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most
+kind, hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his
+daughter will tend my sick couch--nurse--read to me; glorious fun,
+Harry.  I'll make fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be
+decided is whether, having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so
+freely, I ought to carry her off, or marry her with papa's consent.
+You see there is much to be said for either line of proceeding."
+
+"I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way so
+clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open
+question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an
+opinion."
+
+"Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so.  Now for your part, for I
+have not come to that."
+
+"Mine," said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any character
+assigned to me in the drama?"
+
+"I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacity
+of my valet."
+
+"Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence.
+
+"Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it--shall
+choose as becoming a livery as you like--and you'll have the whole female
+world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunity
+vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape and
+form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in the
+world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it."
+
+The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an
+office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to
+expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both.  At
+last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar
+arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by
+retorting Jack's proposition.
+
+"Come," said I, "I agree, with one only difference--I'll be the master
+and you the man on this occasion."
+
+To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller
+grasped my hand, and cried, "done."  Of course I laughed heartily at the
+utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his
+prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the
+most remote degree the commission of such extravagance.
+
+Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole,"
+touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the
+Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;)
+he expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and
+obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from
+mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my
+lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady
+Jane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a
+marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jesting
+of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service,
+wherever the story reached.
+
+The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicled
+in these Confessions--the openness to be led whither any one might take
+the trouble to conduct me--the easy indifference to assume any character
+which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, assisted
+by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to listen
+--then to attend to--soon after to suggest--and finally, absolutely to
+concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other moment, I must
+have regarded as downright insanity.  As the clock struck two, I had just
+affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method in
+his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he had
+committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of Jack's legal
+talents I copy from the original document now in my posession.
+
+     "The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock--be
+     the same more or less.  I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's
+     __th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly
+     called Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby
+     promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to
+     the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the
+     aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the
+     aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four
+     weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as
+     his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or saucepan
+     --duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in
+     every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of--"
+
+"Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack.
+
+"I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing."
+
+     "--at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the
+     aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the
+     sum of ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a
+     faithful discharge in writing for his services, as may be.  If, on
+     the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer
+     fail in obtaining the hand of _____, that he will evacuate the
+     territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot
+     selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself
+     with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller--"
+
+"You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack.
+
+     "--and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid
+     Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success,
+     the like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to
+     maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn
+     pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former
+     condition, for the space of time there mentioned."
+
+We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its
+perfect ratification.  This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we
+parted and retired for the night.
+
+The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller
+standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and
+all the world.
+
+"Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he.  "I only remembered
+on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in
+our old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere
+picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a
+most distinguished officer.  This notion, it appears, haunts his mind,
+and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the seven
+years war, down to the Battle of Waterloo.  You cannot mention a siege he
+did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he
+did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the
+service, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down to
+the London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not
+fought and bled.  This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one
+considers that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited; but
+yet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'll
+say, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty messenger
+to his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a Mr.
+Lorrequer--ay, Harry, all above board--there is nothing like it--'as Mr.
+Lorrequer, of the __th, was collecting for publication, such materials as
+might serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements of British
+officers, who have, at any time, been in command--he most respectfully
+requests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguished
+services, on many gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualified
+approval of his majesty's government.  Mr. Lorrequer's stay is
+necessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to visit Lord
+Anglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a meeting as may
+suit Colonel K.'s convenience.'  What think you now?  Is this a
+master-stroke or not?"
+
+"Why, certainly, we are in for it now," said I, drawing a deep sigh.
+"But Jack, what is all this?  Why, you're in livery already."
+
+I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very
+decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a very
+knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury.
+
+"You like it, don't you?  Well, I should have preferred something a
+little more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course,
+gave way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat."
+
+"Did I choose it last night?  I have not the slightest recollection of
+it."
+
+"Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and the
+height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerably
+close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am your
+most obedient servant for four weeks--see that you make the most of it."
+
+While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me,
+which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth.  It
+ran thus--
+
+     "Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of
+     Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can
+     afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will
+     permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage.  Any information as to
+     Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he
+     need not say, is entirely at Mr. L.'s disposal.
+
+     "Colonel K. dines at six precisely."
+
+When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air,
+and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out--
+
+"The game is won already.  Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten
+thousand: she is your own this minute."
+
+Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could not
+help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform,
+and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have been
+able to command.
+
+That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I
+sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite a
+very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue of
+white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the
+decanter.  The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves;
+there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of
+any modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured
+the room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth,
+which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look of
+comfort and snugness to every thing.  This, thought I, is all excellent;
+and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I never
+tasted better Madeira.
+
+"And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I
+took the Rajah prisoner?"
+
+"Yes," said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the
+very last time I dined at Government-House."
+
+"Ah, did he? kind of him though.  Well, sir, I received two millions of
+rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permit
+him to escape--but no--I refused flatly."
+
+"Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?--sent them,
+of course--."
+
+"No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money.  No,
+no; I have them this moment in good government security.
+
+"I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java.  Fill yourself
+another glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be of
+infinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public eye
+--they really are quire ignorant of it.  Here now is Fort Cornelius, and
+there is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is the
+first trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards the
+south-west angle, and here, the wine glass--this is me.  Well, it was a
+little after ten at night that I got the order from the general in
+command to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space before
+Fort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and with
+four pieces of field artillery--these walnuts here--to be ready to open
+my fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear sir,
+you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira.  As I said
+before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary protect
+the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench.  Just at the
+same time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupy
+this dish of almonds and raisins--the high ground to the left of my
+position--put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I cannot
+see myself--I thought I was up near the figs, and I find myself down near
+the half moon."
+
+"It is past nine," said a servant entering the room; "shall I take the
+carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?"  This being the first time the name of
+the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious to
+hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be
+gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the
+interruption, dismissed the servant by saying--
+
+"What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see I
+am preparing for the attack on the half moon?   Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your
+pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and
+besides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, my
+dear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again."
+
+With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the
+"materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly
+thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette,
+sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that a
+stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with a
+degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third and
+unoccupied party to witness.
+
+"Mary, my dear," said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort
+Cornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce to
+you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth," here the young lady
+courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed
+places.  I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the
+preceding four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and had
+preferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own
+carriage.
+
+My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks'
+sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninteresting
+details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without falling
+in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she was
+extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silvery
+toned voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness of
+manner that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provoked
+attention, and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success,
+imparted a more than common zest in the pursuit.  She was little, a very
+little blue, rather a dabbler in the "ologies," than a real disciple.
+Yet she made collections of minerals, and brown beetles, and
+cryptogamias, and various other homeopathic doses of the creation,
+infinitessimally small in their subdivision; in none of which I felt any
+interest, save in the excuse they gave for accompanying her in her
+pony-phaeton.  This was, however, a rare pleasure, for every morning for
+at least three or four hours I was obliged to sit opposite the colonel,
+engaged in the compilation of that narrative of his "res gestae," which
+was to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave Wellington's laurels but
+a very faded lustre in comparison.  In this agreeable occupation did I
+pass the greater part of my day, listening to the insufferable prolixity
+of the most prolix of colonels, and at times, notwithstanding the
+propinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost regretting that he
+was not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his memoir abounded
+with.  I may here mention, that while my literary labour was thus
+progressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before--not
+indeed with me for her companion--but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth,
+"having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple
+in sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth," particularly as I gave him a
+most excellent character for every virtue under heaven.
+
+I must hasten on.--The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a
+close.  Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only
+waited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for my
+letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculous
+bond, and accept the invitation.  We were sitting round the library fire,
+the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth
+'scapes.  Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which every
+evening made its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather in
+better spirits than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous and
+uncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that her
+thoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthy
+father believed them.  Without laying any stress upon the circumstance,
+I must yet avow that Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave me
+some uneasiness, and I more than once had recourse to the bell to demand
+if "my servant had come back yet?"  At each of these times I well
+remember the peculiar expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment,
+half drollery, with which she listened to the question, and heard the
+answer in the negative.  Supper at length made its appearance; and I
+asked the servant who waited, "if my man had brought me any letters,"
+varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and again, I heard he had not
+returned.  Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth the
+next morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth,
+as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night and
+retired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were to
+have an excursion to some place in the neighbourhood the next day; and
+begging that I might be in the breakfast-room at nine, as they were to
+assemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition.  I was
+in a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the door
+awoke me; at the same time I recognised the voice of the colonel's
+servant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir."
+
+I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down,"
+proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a
+vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed
+only the day before--even my portmanteau had disappeared.  After a most
+diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a small
+bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suit
+of livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of which
+colour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs,
+deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons.  As I
+turned the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, for
+I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to
+the coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few
+words were written:
+
+     "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how
+     you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the
+     tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your
+     kind master,
+
+                              "John Waller."
+
+The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me.  That I
+should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet what
+was to be done?  I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes,
+Thomas?"
+
+"Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them."
+
+"There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?"  Thomas
+disappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not be
+found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to come
+down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting,
+and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as
+they were going on a country excursion."  An elaborate toilette!  I wish
+to heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it.  "Thomas, you must
+tell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not able
+to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks--very violent attacks in my
+head, and must always be left quiet and alone--perfectly alone--mind me,
+Thomas--for a day at least."  Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted in
+my bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter of many
+persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they were
+laughing at; the thought was horrible.
+
+"Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said
+Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he
+again appeared at the door.
+
+"No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are
+you grinning at?"
+
+"You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now,"
+said the fellow with an odious grin.
+
+I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my
+strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs
+chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of
+mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only
+one who was merry at my expense.  Any thing was preferable to this; down
+stairs I resolved to go at once--but how; a blanket I thought would not
+be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at
+least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to him
+the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost
+sure to be, with so many people parading about the house.  No; that would
+never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as it
+was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as much
+indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy
+trick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and last
+the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times more
+absurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with his
+table and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery.
+
+If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and
+bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with
+something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my
+bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and
+so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost
+abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for
+vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange
+quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any
+characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance.
+I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could
+survey me without laughing.  With a bold effort, I flung open my door,
+hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall.  The first person I met
+was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the
+plough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to
+be turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for
+a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said--
+
+"Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with the
+constables in the justice's room!"  I gave him a look of contemptuous
+superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on.
+
+Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the
+breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of
+people.  My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, at
+the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless to
+do any thing.  Among a considerable number of people who stood in small
+groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a
+very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm
+--shall I confess--no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him
+with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him.
+The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered,
+ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter
+so long and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one
+might burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest.  I put on a look of
+indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be
+most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin
+costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the
+louder.  I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks
+out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last,
+amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller
+stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand
+without support.
+
+"Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together;
+"Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of
+intimacy between us shall--"
+
+Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room,
+called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel
+Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs,
+&c., armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle.
+Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out
+with--
+
+"So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending to
+be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at his
+table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.--How far he
+might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his
+master, had not traced him here this morning--but you'll pay dearly for
+it, you young rascal, that you shall."
+
+"Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess
+exciting new bursts of laughter,) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions
+you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however,
+before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has
+dared to pass upon me."  Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration
+knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed
+that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity.
+
+Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed
+between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven;
+"for indeed my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather
+respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd
+run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case
+the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal with
+him.  Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority,
+"take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shall
+endeavour to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth;
+and the best mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have no
+more of your society."
+
+I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from
+this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed from
+the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the
+avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers,
+groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my
+"detection," even more than their betters.  Meditating vengeance, sharp,
+short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the
+infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our
+agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham.
+Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could commit
+the bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure
+suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons were
+then quartered.  I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the
+necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third
+morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, and
+bursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never could
+discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and
+then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts.  As we passed the last
+toll-bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at a
+tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely
+risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be half
+invisible.  We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our
+own pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning.  We
+had scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual
+bustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at the
+same instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young
+lady who had eloped that morning with an officer.
+
+"Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound," said my
+companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was
+too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further.  As the
+chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer
+was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host,"
+Colonel Kamworth.  I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had
+lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married.  Apologies
+and explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings;
+and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of
+Jack for a considerable period after; he started for the continent,
+where he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his
+father-in-law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly
+broken the compact.
+
+So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such
+experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie
+in that way.  And here I must rest for the present, with the additional
+confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that I
+refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when I
+discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such
+"souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would
+have left me without a pleasure in existence.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XII.
+
+DUBLIN--TOM O'FLAHERTY--A REMINISCENCE OF THE PENINSULA.
+
+Dear, dirty Dublin--"Io te salute"--how many excellent things might be
+said of thee, if, unfortunately, it did not happen that the theme is an
+old one, and has been much better sung than it can ever now be said.
+With thus much of apology for no more lengthened panegyric, let me beg of
+my reader, if he be conversant with that most moving melody--the Groves
+of Blarney--to hum the following lines, which I heard shortly after my
+landing, and which well express my own feelings for the "loved spot."
+
+               Oh! Dublin, sure, there is no doubtin',
+                Beats every city upon the say.
+               'Tis there you'll see O'Connell spouting,
+                And Lady Morgan making "tay."
+               For 'tis the capital of the greatest nation
+                With finest peasantry on a fruitful sod,
+               Fighting like devils for conciliation,
+                And hating each other for the love of God.
+
+Once more, then, I found myself in the "most car-drivingest city," en
+route to join on the expiration of my leave.  Since my departure, my
+regiment had been ordered to Kilkenny, that sweet city, so famed in song
+for its "fire without smoke;" but which, were its character in any way to
+be derived from its past or present representative, might certainly, with
+more propriety, reverse the epithet, and read "smoke without fire."  My
+last communication from head-quarters was full of nothing but gay doings
+--balls, dinners, dejeunes, and more than all, private theatricals,
+seemed to occupy the entire attention of every man of the gallant __th.
+I was earnestly entreated to come, without waiting for the end of my
+leave--that several of my old "parts were kept open for me;" and that, in
+fact, the "boys of Kilkenny" were on tip-toe in expectation of my
+arrival, as though his Majesty's mail were to convey a Kean or a Kemble.
+I shuddered a little as I read this, and recollected "my last appearance
+on any stage," little anticipating, at the moment, that my next was to be
+nearly as productive of the ludicrous, as time and my confessions will
+show.  One circumstance, however, gave me considerable pleasure.  It was
+this:--I took it for granted that, in the varied and agreeable
+occupations which so pleasurable a career opened, my adventures in love
+would escape notice, and that I should avoid the merciless raillery my
+two failures, in six months, might reasonably be supposed to call forth.
+I therefore wrote a hurried note to Curzon, setting forth the great
+interest all their proceedings had for me, and assuring him that my stay
+in town should be as short as possible, for that I longed once more to
+"strut the monarch of the boards," and concluded with a sly paragraph,
+artfully intended to act as a "paratonnere" to the gibes and jests which
+I dreaded, by endeavouring to make light of my matrimonial speculations.
+The postscript ran somewhat thus--"Glorious fun have I had since we met;
+but were it not that my good angel stood by me, I should write these
+hurried lines with a wife at my elbow; but luck, that never yet deserted,
+is still faithful to your old friend, H. Lorrequer."
+
+My reader may suppose--for he is sufficiently behind the scenes with me
+--with what feelings I penned these words; yet any thing was better than
+the attack I looked forward to: and I should rather have changed into the
+Cape Rifle Corps, or any other army of martyrs, than meet my mess with
+all the ridicule my late proceedings exposed me to.  Having disburthened
+my conscience of this dread, I finished my breakfast, and set out on a
+stroll through the town.
+
+I believe it is Coleridge who somewhere says, that to transmit the first
+bright and early impressions of our youth, fresh and uninjured to a
+remote period of life, constitutes one of the loftiest prerogatives of
+genius.  If this be true, and I am not disposed to dispute it--what a
+gifted people must be the worthy inhabitants of Dublin; for I scruple not
+to affirm, that of all cities of which we have any record in history,
+sacred or profane, there is not one so little likely to disturb the
+tranquil current of such reminiscences.  "As it was of old, so is it
+now," enjoying a delightful permanency in all its habits and customs,
+which no changes elsewhere disturb or affect; and in this respect I defy
+O'Connell and all the tail to refuse it the epithet of "Conservative."
+
+Had the excellent Rip Van Winkle, instead of seeking his repose upon the
+cold and barren acclivities of the Kaatskills--as we are veritably
+informed by Irving--but betaken himself to a comfortable bed at
+Morrison's or the Bilton, not only would he have enjoyed a more agreeable
+siesta, but, what the event showed of more consequence, the pleasing
+satisfaction of not being disconcerted by novelty on his awakening.  It
+is possible that the waiter who brought him the water to shave, for Rip's
+beard, we are told, had grown uncommonly long--might exhibit a little of
+that wear and tear to which humanity is liable from time; but had he
+questioned him as to the ruling topics--the proper amusements of the day
+--he would have heard, as he might have done twenty years before, that
+there was a meeting to convert Jews at the Rotunda; another to rob
+parsons at the Corn Exchange; that the Viceroy was dining with the
+Corporation, and congratulating them on the prosperity of Ireland, while
+the inhabitants were regaled with a procession of the "broad ribbon
+weavers," who had not weaved, heaven knows when!  This, with an
+occasional letter from Mr. O'Connell, and now and then a duel in the
+"Phaynix," constituted the current pastimes of the city.  Such, at least,
+were they in my day; and though far from the dear locale, an odd flitting
+glance at the newspapers induces me to believe that matters are not much
+changed since.
+
+I rambled through the streets for some hours, revolving such thoughts as
+pressed upon me involuntarily by all I saw.  The same little grey
+homunculus that filled my "prince's mixture" years before, stood behind
+the counter at Lundy Foot's, weighing out rappee and high toast, just as
+I last saw him.  The fat college porter, that I used to mistake in my
+school-boy days for the Provost, God forgive me! was there as fat and as
+ruddy as heretofore, and wore his Roman costume of helmet and plush
+breeches, with an air as classic.  The old state trumpeter at the castle,
+another object of my youthful veneration, poor "old God save the King" as
+we used to call him, walked the streets as of old; his cheeks indeed, a
+little more lanky and tendinous; but then there had been many viceregal
+changes, and the "one sole melody his heart delighted in," had been more
+frequently called in requisition, as he marched in solemn state with the
+other antique gentlemen in tabards.  As I walked along, each moment some
+old and early association being suggested by the objects around, I felt
+my arm suddenly seized.  I turned hastily round, and beheld a very old
+companion in many a hard-fought field and merry bivouack, Tom O'Flaherty
+of the 8th.  Poor Tom was sadly changed since we last met, which was at
+a ball in Madrid.  He was then one of the best-looking fellows of his
+"style" I ever met,--tall and athletic, with the easy bearing of a man of
+the world, and a certain jauntiness that I have never seen but in
+Irishmen who have mixed much in society.
+
+There was also a certain peculiar devil-may-care recklessness about the
+self-satisfied swagger of his gait, and the free and easy glance of his
+sharp black eye, united with a temper that nothing could ruffle, and a
+courage nothing could daunt.  With such qualities as these, he had been
+the prime favourite of his mess, to which he never came without some
+droll story to relate, or some choice expedient for future amusement.
+Such had Tom once been; now he was much altered, and though the quiet
+twinkle of his dark eye showed that the spirit of fun within was not
+"dead, but only sleeping,"--to myself, who knew something of his history,
+it seemed almost cruel to awaken him to any thing which might bring him
+back to the memory of by-gone days.  A momentary glance showed me that he
+was no longer what he had been, and that the unfortunate change in his
+condition, the loss of all his earliest and oldest associates, and his
+blighted prospects, had nearly broken a heart that never deserted a
+friend, nor quailed before an enemy.  Poor O'Flaherty was no more the
+delight of the circle he once adorned; the wit that "set the table in a
+roar" was all but departed.  He had been dismissed the service!!--The
+story is a brief one:--
+
+In the retreat from Burgos, the __ Light Dragoons, after a most fatiguing
+day's march, halted at the wretched village of Cabenas.  It had been
+deserted by the inhabitants the day before, who, on leaving, had set it
+on fire; and the blackened walls and fallen roof-trees were nearly all
+that now remained to show where the little hamlet had once stood.
+
+Amid a down-pour of rain, that had fallen for several hours, drenched to
+the skin, cold, weary, and nearly starving, the gallant 8th reached this
+melancholy spot at nightfall, with little better prospect of protection
+from the storm than the barren heath through which their road led might
+afford them.  Among the many who muttered curses, not loud but deep, on
+the wretched termination to their day's suffering, there was one who kept
+up his usual good spirits, and not only seemed himself nearly regardless
+of the privations and miseries about him, but actually succeeded in
+making the others who rode alongside as perfectly forgetful of their
+annoyances and troubles as was possible under such circumstances.  Good
+stories, joking allusions to the more discontented ones of the party,
+ridiculous plans for the night's encampment, followed each other so
+rapidly, that the weariness of the way was forgotten; and while some were
+cursing their hard fate, that ever betrayed them into such misfortunes,
+the little group round O'Flaherty were almost convulsed with laughter at
+the wit and drollery of one, over whom if the circumstances had any
+influence, they seemed only to heighten his passion for amusement.  In
+the early part of the morning he had captured a turkey, which hung
+gracefully from his holster on one side, while a small goat-skin of
+Valencia wine balanced it on the other.  These good things were destined
+to form a feast that evening, to which he had invited four others; that
+being, according to his most liberal calculation, the greatest number to
+whom he could afford a reasonable supply of wine.
+
+When the halt was made, it took some time to arrange the dispositions for
+the night; and it was nearly midnight before all the regiment had got
+their billets and were housed, even with such scanty accommodation as the
+place afforded.  Tom's guests had not yet arrived, and he himself was
+busily engaged in roasting the turkey before a large fire, on which stood
+a capacious vessel of spiced wine, when the party appeared.  A very
+cursory "reconnaissance" through the house, one of the only ones
+untouched in the village, showed that from the late rain it would be
+impossible to think of sleeping in the lower story, which already showed
+signs of being flooded; they therefore proceeded in a body up stairs, and
+what was their delight to find a most comfortable room, neatly furnished
+with chairs, and a table; but, above all, a large old-fashioned bed, an
+object of such luxury as only an old campaigner can duly appreciate.  The
+curtains were closely tucked in all round, and, in their fleeting and
+hurried glance, they felt no inclination to disturb them, and rather
+proceeded to draw up the table before the hearth, to which they speedily
+removed the fire from below; and, ere many minutes, with that activity
+which a bivouack life invariably teaches, their supper smoked before
+them, and five happier fellows did not sit down that night within a large
+circuit around.  Tom was unusually great; stories of drollery unlocked
+before, poured from him unceasingly, and what with his high spirits to
+excite them, and the reaction inevitable after a hard day's severe march,
+the party soon lost the little reason that usually sufficed to guide
+them, and became as pleasantly tipsy as can well be conceived.  However,
+all good things must have an end, and so had the wine-skin.  Tom had
+placed it affectionately under his arm like a bag-pipe and failed, with
+even a most energetic squeeze, to extract a drop; there was no nothing
+for it but to go to rest, and indeed it seemed the most prudent thing for
+the party.
+
+The bed became accordingly a subject of grave deliberation; for as it
+could only hold two, and the party were five, there seemed some
+difficulty in submitting their chances to lot, which all agreed was the
+fairest way.  While this was under discussion, one of the party had
+approached the contested prize, and, taking up the curtains, proceeded to
+jump in--when, what was his astonishment to discover that it was already
+occupied.  The exclamation of surprise he gave forth soon brought the
+others to his side; and to their horror, drunk as they were, they found
+that the body before them was that of a dead man, arrayed in all the
+ghastly pomp of a corpse.  A little nearer inspection showed that he had
+been a priest, probably the Padre of the village; on his head he had a
+small velvet skull cap, embroidered with a cross, and his body was
+swathed in a vestment, such as priests usually wear at the mass; in his
+hand he held a large wax taper, which appeared to have burned only half
+down, and probably been extinguished by the current of air on opening
+the door. After the first brief shock which this sudden apparition had
+caused, the party recovered as much of their senses as the wine had
+left them, and proceeded to discuss what was to be done under the
+circumstances; for not one of them ever contemplated giving up a bed
+to a dead priest, while five living men slept on the ground.  After much
+altercation, O'Flaherty, who had hitherto listened without speaking,
+interrupted the contending parties, saying, "stop, lads, I have it."
+
+"Come," said one of them, "let us hear Tom's proposal."
+
+"Oh," said he, with difficulty steadying himself while he spoke, "we'll
+put him to bed with old Ridgeway, the quarter-master!"
+
+The roar of loud laughter that followed Tom's device was renewed again
+and again, till not a man could speak from absolute fatigue.  There was
+not a dissentient voice.  Old Ridgeway was hated in the corps, and a
+better way of disposing of the priest and paying off the quarter-master
+could not be thought of.
+
+Very little time sufficed for their preparations; and if they had been
+brought up under the Duke of Portland himself, they could not have
+exhibited a greater taste for a "black job."  The door of the room was
+quickly taken from its hinges, and the priest placed upon it at full
+length; a moment more sufficed to lift the door upon their shoulders,
+and, preceded by Tom, who lit a candle in honour of being, as he said,
+"chief mourner," they took their way through the camp towards Ridgeway's
+quarters.  When they reached the hut where their victim lay, Tom ordered
+a halt, and proceeded stealthily into the house to reconnoitre.  The old
+quarter-master he found stretched on his sheep-skin before a large fire,
+the remnants of an ample supper strewed about him, and two empty bottles
+standing on the hearth--his deep snoring showed that all was safe, and
+that no fears of his awaking need disturb them.  His shako and sword lay
+near him, but his sabertasche was under his head.  Tom carefully withdrew
+the two former; and hastening to his friends without, proceeded to
+decorate the priest with them; expressing, at the same time, considerable
+regret that he feared it might wake Ridgeway, if he were to put the
+velvet skull-cap on him for a night-cap.
+
+Noiselessly and steadily they now entered, and proceeded to put down
+their burden, which, after a moment's discussion, they agreed to place
+between the quarter-master and the fire, of which, hitherto, he had
+reaped ample benefit.  This done, they stealthily retreated, and hurried
+back to their quarters, unable to speak with laughter at the success of
+their plot, and their anticipation of Ridgeway's rage on awakening in the
+morning.
+
+It was in the dim twilight of a hazy morning, that the bugler of the 8th
+aroused the sleeping soldiers from their miserable couches, which,
+wretched as they were, they, nevertheless, rose from reluctantly--so
+wearied and fatigued had they been by the preceding day's march; not one
+among the number felt so indisposed to stir as the worthy quarter-master;
+his peculiar avocations had demanded a more than usual exertion on his
+part, and in the posture he had laid down at night, he rested till
+morning, without stirring a limb.  Twice the reveille had rung through
+the little encampment, and twice the quarter-master had essayed to open
+his eyes, but in vain; at last he made a tremendous effort, and sat bolt
+upright on the floor, hoping that the sudden effort might sufficiently
+arouse him; slowly his eyes opened, and the first thing they beheld was
+the figure of the dead priest, with a light cavalry helmet on his head,
+seated before him.  Ridgeway, who was "bon Catholique," trembled in every
+joint--it might be a ghost, it might be a warning, he knew not what to
+think--he imagined the lips moved, and so overcome with terror was he at
+last, that he absolutely shouted like a maniac, and never cased till the
+hut was filled with officers and men, who hearing the uproar ran to his
+aid--the surprise of the poor quarter-master at the apparition, was
+scarcely greater than that of the beholders--no one was able to afford
+any explanation of the circumstance, though all were assured that it must
+have been done in jest--the door upon which the priest had been conveyed,
+afforded the clue--they had forgotten to restore it to its place
+--accordingly the different billets were examined, and at last O'Flaherty
+was discovered in a most commodious bed, in a large room without a door,
+still fast asleep, and alone; how and when he had parted from his
+companions, he never could precisely explain, though he has since
+confessed it was part of his scheme to lead them astray in the village,
+and then retire to the bed, which he had determined to appropriate to his
+sole use.
+
+Old Ridgeway's rage knew no bounds; he absolutely foamed with passion,
+and in proportion as he was laughed at his choler rose higher; had this
+been the only result, it had been well for poor Tom, but unfortunately
+the affair got to be rumoured through the country--the inhabitants of the
+village learned the indignity with which the Padre had been treated; they
+addressed a memorial to Lord Wellington--inquiry was immediately
+instituted--O'Flaherty was tried by court martial, and found guilty;
+nothing short of the heaviest punishment that could be inflicted under
+the circumstances would satisfy the Spaniards, and at that precise period
+it was part of our policy to conciliate their esteem by every means in
+our power.  The commander-in-chief resolved to make what he called an
+"example," and poor O'Flaherty--the life and soul of his regiment--the
+darling of his mess, was broke, and pronounced incapable of ever serving
+his Majesty again.  Such was the event upon which my poor friend's
+fortune in life seemed to hinge--he returned to Ireland, if not entirely
+broken-hearted, so altered that his best friends scarcely knew him; his
+"occupation was gone;" the mess had been his home; his brother officers
+were to him in place of relatives, and he had lost all.  His after life
+was spent in rambling from one watering place to another, more with the
+air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time; and with such a
+change in appearance as the alteration in his fortune had effected, he
+now stood before me, but altogether so different a man, that but for the
+well-known tones of a voice that had often convulsed me with laughter, I
+should scarcely have recognised him.
+
+"Lorrequer, my old friend, I never thought of seeing you here--this is
+indeed a piece of good luck."
+
+"Why, Tom?  You surely knew that the __ were in Ireland, didn't you?"
+
+"To be sure.  I dined with them only a few days ago, but they told me you
+were off to Paris, to marry something superlatively beautiful, and most
+enormously rich, the daughter of a duke, if I remember right; but certes,
+they said your fortune was made, and I need not tell you, there was not a
+man among them better pleased that I was to hear it."
+
+"Oh! they said so, did they?  Droll dogs--always quizzing--I wonder you
+did not perceive the hoax--eh--very good, was it not?"  This I poured out
+in short broken sentences, blushing like scarlet, and fidgeting like a
+school girl with downright nervousness.
+
+"A hoax!  devilish well done too,"--said Tom, "for old Carden believed
+the whole story, and told me that he had obtained a six months' leave for
+you to make your 'com.' and, moreover, said that he had got a letter from
+the nobleman, Lord _____ confound his name."
+
+"Lord Grey, is it?" said I, with a sly look at Tom.
+
+"No, my dear friend," said he drily, "it was not Lord Grey--but to
+continue--he had got a letter from him, dated from Paris, stating his
+surprise that you had never joined them there, according to promise, and
+that they knew your cousin Guy, and a great deal of other matter I can't
+remember--so what does all this mean?  Did you hoax the noble Lord as
+well as the Horse Guards, Harry?"
+
+This was indeed a piece of news for me; I stammered out some ridiculous
+explanation, and promised a fuller detail.  Could it be that I had done
+the Callonbys injustice, and that they never intended to break off my
+attention to Lady Jane--that she was still faithful, and that of all
+concerned I alone had been to blame.  Oh! how I hoped this might be the
+case; heavily as my conscience might accuse, I longed ardently to forgive
+and deal mercifully with myself.  Tom continued to talk about indifferent
+matters, as these thoughts flitted through my mind; perceiving at last
+that I did not attend, he stopped suddenly and said--
+
+"Harry, I see clearly that something has gone wrong, and perhaps I can
+make a guess at the mode too: but however, you can do nothing about it
+now; come and dine with me to-day, and we'll discuss the affair together
+after dinner; or if you prefer a 'distraction,' as we used to say in
+Dunkerque, why then I'll arrange something fashionable for your evening's
+amusement.  Come, what say you to hearing Father Keogh preach, or would
+you like a supper at the Carlingford, or perhaps you prefer a soiree chez
+Miladi; for all of these Dublin affords--all three good in their way, and
+very intellectual."
+
+"Well, Tom, I'm yours; but I should prefer your dining with me; I am at
+Bilton's; we'll have our cutlet quite alone, and--"
+
+"And be heartily sick of each other, you were going to add.  No, no,
+Harry; you must dine with me; I have some remarkably nice people to
+present you to--six is the hour--sharp six--number ___ Molesworth-street,
+Mrs. Clanfrizzle's--easily find it--large fanlight over the door--huge
+lamp in the hall, and a strong odour of mutton broth for thirty yards on
+each side of the premises--and as good luck would have it, I see old Daly
+the counsellor, as they call him, he's the very man to get to meet you,
+you always liked a character, eh!"
+
+Saying this, O'Flaherty disengaged himself from my arm, and hurried
+across the street towards a portly middle-aged looking gentleman, with
+the reddest face I ever beheld.  After a brief but very animated
+colloquy, Tom returned, and informed that that all was right; he had
+secured Daly.
+
+"And who is Daly?" said I, inquiringly, for I was rather interested in
+hearing what peculiar qualification as a diner-out the counsellor might
+lay claim to, many of Tom's friends being as remarkable for being the
+quizzed as the quizzers.
+
+"Daly," said he, "is the brother of a most distinguished member of the
+Irish bar, of which he himself is also a follower, bearing however, no
+other resemblance to the clever man than the name, for as assuredly as
+the reputation of the one is inseparably linked with success, so
+unerringly is the other coupled with failure, and strange to say, that
+the stupid man is fairly convinced that his brother owes all his success
+to him, and that to his disinterested kindness the other is indebted for
+his present exalted station.  Thus it is through life; there seems ever
+to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity, that like a
+life-buoy, keeps a mass afloat whose weight unassisted would sink into
+obscurity.  Do you know that my friend Denis there imagines himself the
+first man that ever enlightened Sir Robert Peel as to Irish affairs; and,
+upon my word, his reputation on this head stands incontestably higher
+than on most others."
+
+"You surely cannot mean that Sir Robert Peel ever consulted with, much
+less relied upon, the statements of such a person, as you described you
+friend Denis to be?"
+
+"He did both--and if he was a little puzzled by the information,
+the only disgrace attaches to a government that send men to rule over
+us unacquainted with our habits of thinking, and utterly ignorant of the
+language--ay, I repeat it--but come, you shall judge for yourself; the
+story is a short one, and fortunately so, for I must hasten home to give
+timely notice of your coming to dine with me.  When the present Sir
+Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, came over here, as secretary to Ireland,
+a very distinguished political leader of the day invited a party to meet
+him at dinner, consisting of men of different political leanings; among
+whom were, as may be supposed, many members of the Irish bar; the elder
+Daly was too remarkable a person to be omitted, but as the two brothers
+resided together, there was a difficulty about getting him--however, he
+must be had, and the only alternative that presented itself was adopted
+--both were invited.  When the party descended to the dining-room,
+by one of those unfortunate accidents, which as the proverb informs us
+occasionally take place in the best regulated establishments, the wrong
+Mr. Daly got placed beside Mr. Peel, which post of honor had been
+destined by the host for the more agreeable and talented brother.
+There was now no help for it; and with a heart somewhat nervous for the
+consequences of the proximity, the worthy entertainer sat down to do the
+honors as best he might; he was consoled during dinner by observing
+that the devotion bestowed by honest Denis on the viands before him
+effectually absorbed his faculties, and thereby threw the entire of
+Mr. Peel's conversation towards the gentleman on his other flank.
+This happiness was like most others, destined to be a brief one.
+As the dessert made its appearance, Mr. Peel began to listen with some
+attention to the conversation of the persons opposite; with one of whom
+he was struck most forcibly--so happy a power of illustration, so vivid a
+fancy, such logical precision in argument as he evinced, perfectly
+charmed and surprised him.  Anxious to learn the name of so gifted an
+individual, he turned towards his hitherto silent neighbour and demanded
+who he was.
+
+"'Who is he, is it?' said Denis, hesitatingly, as if he half doubted such
+extent of ignorance as not to know the person alluded to.
+
+"Mr. Peel bowed in acquiescence.
+
+"'That's Bushe!' said Denis, giving at the same time the same sound to
+the vowel, u, as it obtains when occurring in the word 'rush.'
+
+"'I beg pardon,' said Mr. Peel, 'I did not hear.'
+
+"'Bushe!' replied Denis, with considerable energy of tone.
+
+"'Oh, yes! I know,' said the secretary, 'Mr. Bushe, a very distinguished
+member of your bar, I have heard.'
+
+"'Faith, you may say that!' said Denis, tossing off his wine at what he
+esteemed a very trite observation.
+
+"'Pray,' said Mr. Peel, again returning to the charge, though certainly
+feeling not a little surprised at the singular laconicism of his
+informant, no less than the mellifluous tones of an accent then perfectly
+new to him.  'Pray, may I ask, what is the peculiar character of Mr.
+Bushe's eloquence?  I mean of course, in his professional capacity.'
+
+"'Eh!' said Denis, 'I don't comprehend you exactly.'
+
+"'I mean,' said Mr. Peel, 'in one word, what's his forte?'
+
+"'His forte!'
+
+"'I mean what his peculiar gift consists in--'
+
+"'Oh, I perceave--I have ye now--the juries!'
+
+"'Ah! addressing a jury.'
+
+"'Ay, the juries.'
+
+"'Can you oblige me by giving me any idea of the manner in which he
+obtains such signal success in this difficult branch of eloquence.'
+
+"'I'll tell ye,' said Denis, leisurely finishing his glass, and smacking
+his lips, with the air of a man girding up his loins for a mighty effort,
+'I'll tell ye--well, ye see the way he has is this,'--here Mr. Peel's
+expectation rose to the highest degree of interest,--'the way he has is
+this--he first butthers them up, and then slithers them down! that's all,
+devil a more of a secret there's in it.'"
+
+How much reason Denis had to boast of imparting early information to the
+new secretary I leave my English readers to guess; my Irish ones I may
+trust to do him ample justice.
+
+My friend now left me to my own devices to while away the hours till time
+to dress for dinner.  Heaven help the gentleman so left in Dublin, say I.
+It is, perhaps, the only city of its size in the world, where there is no
+lounge--no promenade.  Very little experience of it will convince you
+that it abounds in pretty women, and has its fair share of agreeable men;
+but where are they in the morning?  I wish Sir Dick Lauder, instead of
+speculating where salmon spent the Christmas holidays, would apply his
+most inquiring mind to such a question as this.  True it is, however,
+they are not to be found.  The squares are deserted--the streets are very
+nearly so--and all that is left to the luckless wanderer in search of the
+beautiful, is to ogle the beauties of Dame-street, who are shopkeepers in
+Grafton-street, or the beauties of Grafton-street, who are shopkeepers in
+Dame-street.  But, confound it, how cranky I am getting--I must be
+tremendously hungry.  True, it's past six.  So now for my suit of sable,
+and then to dinner.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIII
+
+DUBLIN--THE BOARDING-HOUSE--SELECT SOCIETY.
+
+Punctual to my appointment with O'Flaherty, I found myself a very few
+minutes after six o'clock at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's door.  My very
+authoritative summons at the bell was answered by the appearance of a
+young, pale-faced invalid, in a suit of livery the taste of which bore a
+very unpleasant resemblance to the one I so lately figured in.  It was
+with considerable difficulty I persuaded this functionary to permit my
+carrying my hat with me to the drawing-room, a species of caution on my
+part--as he esteemed it--savouring much of distrust.  This point however,
+I carried, and followed him up a very ill-lighted stair to the
+drawing-room; here I was announced by some faint resemblance to my real
+name, but sufficiently near to bring my friend Tom at once to meet me,
+who immediately congratulated me on my fortune in coming off so well,
+for that the person who preceded me, Mr. Jones Blennerhasset, had been
+just announced as Mr. Blatherhasit--a change the gentleman himself was
+not disposed to adopt--"But come along, Harry, while we are waiting for
+Daly, let me make you known to some of our party; this, you must know,
+is a boarding-house, and always has some capital fun--queerest people
+you ever met--I have only one hint--cut every man, woman, and child of
+them, if you meet them hereafter--I do it myself, though I have lived
+here these six months."  Pleasant people, thought I, these must be, with
+whom such a line is advisable, much less practicable.
+
+"Mrs. Clanfrizzle, my friend Mr. Lorrequer; thinks he'll stay the summer
+in town.  Mrs. Clan--, should like him to be one of us."  This latter was
+said sotto voce, and was a practice he continued to adopt in presenting
+me to his several friends through the room.
+
+Miss Riley, a horrid old fright, in a bird of paradise plume, and corked
+eyebrows, gibbetted in gilt chains and pearl ornaments, and looking as
+the grisettes say, "superbe en chrysolite"--"Miss Riley, Captain
+Lorrequer, a friend I have long desired to present to you--fifteen
+thousand a-year and a baronetcy, if he has sixpence"--sotto again.
+"Surgeon M'Culloch--he likes the title," said Tom in a whisper--"Surgeon,
+Captain Lorrequer.  By the by, lest I forget it, he wishes to speak to
+you in the morning about his health; he is stopping at Sandymount for the
+baths; you could go out there, eh!"  The tall thing in green spectacles
+bowed, and acknowledged Tom's kindness by a knowing touch of the elbow.
+In this way he made the tour of the room for about ten minutes, during
+which brief space, I was according to the kind arrangements of
+O'Flaherty, booked as a resident in the boarding-house--a lover to at
+least five elderly, and three young ladies--a patient--a client--a second
+in a duel to a clerk in the post-office--and had also volunteered
+(through him always) to convey, by all of his Majesty's mails, as many
+parcels, packets, band-boxes, and bird-cages, as would have comfortably
+filled one of Pickford's vans.  All this he told me was requisite to my
+being well received, though no one thought much of any breach of compact
+subsequently, except Mrs. Clan--herself.  The ladies had, alas! been
+often treated vilely before; the doctor had never had a patient; and as
+for the belligerent knight of the dead office, he'd rather die than fight
+any day.
+
+The last person to whom my friend deemed it necessary to introduce me,
+was a Mr. Garret Cudmore, from the Reeks of Kerry, lately matriculated to
+all the honors of freshmanship in the Dublin university.  This latter was
+a low-sized, dark-browed man, with round shoulders, and particularly long
+arms, the disposal of which seemed sadly to distress him.  He possessed
+the most perfect brogue I ever listened to; but it was difficult to get
+him to speak, for on coming up to town some weeks before, he had been
+placed by some intelligent friend at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment,
+with the express direction to mark and thoroughly digest as much as he
+could of the habits and customs of the circle about him, which he was
+rightly informed was the very focus of good breeding and haut ton; but
+on no account, unless driven thereto by the pressure of sickness,
+or the wants of nature, to trust himself with speech, which, in his
+then uninformed state, he was assured would inevitably ruin him
+among his fastidiously cultivated associates.
+
+To the letter and the spirit of the despatch he had received, the worthy
+Garret acted rigidly, and his voice was scarcely ever known to transgress
+the narrow limits prescribed by his friends.  In more respects that one,
+was this a good resolve; for so completely had he identified himself with
+college habits, things, and phrases, that whenever he conversed, he
+became little short of unintelligible to the vulgar--a difficulty not
+decreased by his peculiar pronunciation.
+
+My round of presentation was just completed, when the pale figure in
+light blue livery announced Counsellor Daly and dinner, for both came
+fortunately together.  Taking the post of honour, Miss Riley's arm, I
+followed Tom, who I soon perceived ruled the whole concern, as he led
+the way with another ancient vestal in black satin and bugles.  The long
+procession wound its snake-like length down the narrow stair, and into
+the dining-room, where at last we all got seated; and here let me briefly
+vindicate the motives of my friend--should any unkind person be found to
+impute to his selection of a residence, any base and grovelling passion
+for gourmandaise, that day's experience should be an eternal vindication
+of him.  The soup--alas! that I should so far prostitute the word; for
+the black broth of Sparta was mock turtle in comparison--retired to make
+way for a mass of beef, whose tenderness I did not question; for it sank
+beneath the knife of the carver like a feather bed--the skill of Saladin
+himself would have failed to divide it.  The fish was a most rebellious
+pike, and nearly killed every loyal subject at table; and then down the
+sides were various comestibles of chickens, with azure bosoms, and hams
+with hides like a rhinoceros; covered dishes of decomposed vegetable
+matter, called spinach and cabbage; potatoes arrayed in small masses, and
+browned, resembling those ingenious architectural structures of mud,
+children raise in the high ways, and call dirt-pies.  Such were the chief
+constituents of the "feed;" and such, I am bound to confess, waxed
+beautifully less under the vigorous onslaught of the party.
+
+The conversation soon became both loud and general.  That happy
+familiarity--which I had long believed to be the exclusive prerogative of
+a military mess, where constant daily association sustains the interest
+of the veriest trifles--I here found in a perfection I had not
+anticipated, with this striking difference, that there was no absurd
+deference to any existing code of etiquette in the conduct of the party
+generally, each person quizzing his neighbour in the most free and easy
+style imaginable, and all, evidently from long habit and conventional
+usage, seeming to enjoy the practice exceedingly.  Thus, droll allusions,
+good stories, and smart repartees, fell thick as hail, and twice as
+harmless, which any where else that I had ever heard of, would assuredly
+have called for more explanations, and perhaps gunpowder, in the morning,
+than usually are deemed agreeable.  Here, however, they knew better; and
+though the lawyer quizzed the doctor for never having another patient
+than the house dog, all of whose arteries he had tied in the course of
+the winter for practice--and the doctor retorted as heavily, by showing
+that the lawyer's practice had been other than beneficial to those for
+whom he was concerned--his one client being found guilty, mainly through
+his ingenious defence of him; yet they never showed the slightest
+irritation--on the contrary, such little playful badinage ever led to
+some friendly passages of taking wine together, or in arrangements for a
+party to the "Dargle," or "Dunleary;" and thus went on the entire party,
+the young ladies darting an occasion slight at their elders, who
+certainly returned the fire, often with advantage; all uniting now and
+then, however, in one common cause, an attack of the whole line upon Mrs.
+Clanfrizzle herself, for the beef, or the mutton, or the fish, or the
+poultry--each of which was sure to find some sturdy defamer, ready and
+willing to give evidence in dispraise.  Yet even these, and I thought
+them rather dangerous sallies, led to no more violent results than
+dignified replies from the worthy hostess, upon the goodness of her fare,
+and the evident satisfaction it afforded while being eaten, if the
+appetites of the party were a test.  While this was at its height, Tom
+stooped behind my chair, and whispered gently--
+
+"This is good--isn't it, eh?--life in a boarding-house--quite new to you;
+but they are civilized now compared to what you'll find them in the
+drawing-room.  When short whist for five-penny points sets in--then Greek
+meets Greek, and we'll have it."
+
+During all this melee tournament, I perceived that the worthy jib as
+he would be called in the parlance of Trinity, Mr. Cudmore, remained
+perfectly silent, and apparently terrified.  The noise, the din of
+voices, and the laughing, so completely addled him, that he was like one
+in a very horrid dream.  The attention with which I had observed him,
+having been remarked by my friend O'Flaherty, he informed me that the
+scholar, as he was called there, was then under a kind of cloud--an
+adventure which occurred only two nights before, being too fresh in his
+memory to permit him enjoying himself even to the limited extent it had
+been his wont to do.  As illustrative, not only of Mr. Cudmore, but the
+life I have been speaking of, I may as well relate it.
+
+Soon after Mr. Cudmore's enlistment under the banners of the
+Clanfrizzle, he had sought and found an asylum in the drawing-room of the
+establishment, which promised, from its geographical relations, to expose
+him less to the molestations of conversation than most other parts of the
+room.  This was a small recess beside the fire-place, not uncommon in
+old-fashioned houses, and which, from its incapacity to hold more than
+one, secured to the worthy recluse the privacy he longed for; and here,
+among superannuated hearth-brushes, an old hand screen, an asthmatic
+bellows, and a kettle-holder, sat the timid youth, "alone, but in a
+crowd."  Not all the seductions of loo, limited to three pence, nor even
+that most appropriately designated game, beggar-my-neighbour--could
+withdraw him from his blest retreat.  Like his countryman, St. Kevin--my
+friend Petrie has ascertained that the saint was a native of Tralee--he
+fled from the temptations of the world, and the blandishments of the
+fair; but, alas! like the saint himself, the
+
+                        "poor jib little knew
+                         All that wily sex can do;"
+
+For while he hugged himself in the security of his fortress, the web of
+his destiny was weaving.  So true is it, as he himself used, no less
+pathetically than poetically to express it, "misfortune will find you
+out, if ye were hid in a tay chest."
+
+It happened that in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, the "enfant bleu,"
+already mentioned, was the only individual of his sex retained; and
+without for a moment disparaging the ability or attentions of this gifted
+person, yet it may reasonably be credited, that in waiting on a party of
+twenty-five or thirty persons at dinner, all of whom he had admitted as
+porter, and announced as maitre d'hotel, with the subsequent detail of
+his duties in the drawing-room, that Peter, blue Peter--his
+boarding-house soubriquet--not enjoying the bird-like privilege of
+"being in two places at once," gave one rather the impression of a
+person of hasty and fidgetty habits--for which nervous tendency the
+treatment he underwent was certainly injudicious--it being the
+invariable custom for each guest to put his services in requisition,
+perfectly irrespective of all other claims upon him, from whatsoever
+quarter coming--and then, at the precise moment that the luckless valet
+was snuffing the candles, he was abused by one for not bringing coal; by
+another for having carried off his tea-cup, sent on an expedition for
+sugar; by a third for having left the door open, which he had never been
+near; and so on to the end of the chapter.
+
+It chanced that a few evenings previous to my appearance at the house,
+this indefatigable Caleb was ministering as usual to the various and
+discrepant wants of the large party assembled in the drawing-room.  With
+his wonted alacrity he had withdrawn from their obscure retreat against
+the wall, sundry little tables, destined for the players at whist, or
+"spoil five"--the popular game of the establishment.  With a dexterity
+that savoured much of a stage education, he had arranged the candles, the
+cards, the counters; he had poked the fire, settled the stool for Miss
+Riley's august feet, and was busily engaged in changing five shillings
+into small silver for a desperate victim of loo--when Mrs. Clanfrizzle's
+third, and, as it appeared, last time, of asking for the kettle smote
+upon his ear.  His loyalty would have induced him at once to desert every
+thing on such an occasion; but the other party engaged, held him fast,
+saying--
+
+"Never mind HER, Peter--you have sixpence more to give me."
+
+Poor Peter rummaged one pocket, then another--discovering at last three
+pence in copper, and some farthings, with which he seemed endeavouring to
+make a composition with his creditor for twelve shillings in the pound;
+when Mrs. Clan's patience finally becoming exhausted, she turned towards
+Mr. Cudmore, the only unemployed person she could perceive, and with her
+blandest smile said,
+
+"Mr. Cudmore, may I take the liberty of requesting you would hand me the
+kettle beside you."
+
+Now, though the kettle aforesaid was, as the hostess very properly
+observed, beside him, yet the fact that in complying with the demand, it
+was necessary for the bashful youth to leave the recess he occupied, and,
+with the kettle, proceed to walk half across the room--there to perform
+certain manual operations requiring skill and presence of mind, before a
+large and crowded assembly--was horror to the mind of the poor Jib; and
+he would nearly as soon have acceded to a desire to dance a hornpipe, if
+such had been suggested as the wish of the company.  However, there was
+nothing for it; and summoning up all his nerve--knitting his brows
+--clenching his teeth, like one prepared to "do or die," he seized the
+hissing cauldron, and strode through the room, like the personified
+genius of steam, very much to the alarm of all the old ladies in the
+vicinity, whose tasteful drapery benefitted but little from his progress.
+Yet he felt but little of all this; he had brought up his courage to the
+sticking place, and he was absolutely half unconscious of the whole scene
+before him; nor was it till some kind mediator had seized his arm, while
+another drew him back by the skirts of the coat, that he desisted from
+the deluge of hot water, with which, having filled the tea-pot, he
+proceeded to swamp every thing else upon the tray, in his unfortunate
+abstraction.  Mrs. Clanfrizzle screamed--the old ladies accompanied her
+--the young ones tittered--the men laughed--and, in a word, poor Cudmore,
+perfectly unconscious of any thing extraordinary, felt himself the
+admired of all admirers,--very little, it is true, to his own
+satisfaction.  After some few minutes exposure to these eclats de rire,
+he succeeded in depositing the source of his griefs within the fender,
+and once more retired to his sanctuary,--having registered a vow, which,
+should I speak it, would forfeit his every claim to gallantry for ever.
+
+Whether in the vow aforesaid Mr. Cudmore had only been engaged in that
+species of tesselating which furnishes the pavement so celebrated in the
+lower regions, I know not; but true it is, that he retired that night to
+his chamber very much discomfited at his debut in the great world, and
+half disposed to believe that nature had neither intended him for a
+Brummel nor a D'Orsay.  While he was ruminating on such matters, he was
+joined by O'Flaherty, with whom he had been always more intimate than any
+other inmate of the house--Tom's tact having entirely concealed what the
+manners of the others too plainly evinced, the perfect appreciation of
+the student's oddity and singularity.  After some few observations on
+general matters, O'Flaherty began with a tone of some seriousness to
+express towards Cudmore the warm interest he had ever taken in him, since
+his first coming among them; his great anxiety for his welfare, and his
+firm resolve that no chance or casual inattention to mere ceremonial
+observances on his part should ever be seized on by the other guests
+as a ground for detraction or an excuse for ridicule of him.
+
+"Rely upon it, my dear boy," said he, "I have watched over you like a
+parent; and having partly foreseen that something like this affair of
+to-night would take place sooner or later"--
+
+"What affair?" said Cudmore--his eyes staring half out of his head.
+
+"That business of the kettle."
+
+"Kett--el.  The kettle!  What of that?" said Cudmore.
+
+"What of it?  Why, if you don't feel it, I am sure it is not my duty to
+remind you; only"--
+
+"Feel it--oh, yes.  I saw them laughing, because I spilled the water over
+old Mrs. Jones, or something of that sort."
+
+"No, no, my dear young friend, they were not laughing at that--their
+mirth had another object."
+
+"What the devil was it at, then?"
+
+"You don't know, don't you?"
+
+"No; I really do not."
+
+"Nor can't guess--eh?"
+
+"Confound me if I can."
+
+"Well.  I see, Mr. Cudmore, you are really too innocent for these
+people.  But come--it shall never be said that youth and inexperience
+ever suffered from the unworthy ridicule and cold sarcasm of the base
+world, while Tom O'Flaherty stood by a spectator.
+
+"Sir," said Tom, striking his hand with energy on the table, and darting
+a look of fiery indignation from his eye, "Sir, you were this night
+trepanned--yes, sir, vilely, shamefully trepanned--I repeat the
+expression--into the performance of a menial office--an office so
+degrading, so offensive, so unbecoming the rank, the station, and the
+habits of gentlemen, my very blood recoils when I only think of the
+indignity."
+
+The expression of increasing wonder and surprise depicted in Mr.
+Cudmore's face at these words, my friend Phiz might convey--I cannot
+venture to describe it--suffice it to say, that even O'Flaherty himself
+found it difficult to avoid a burst of laughter, as he looked at him and
+resumed.
+
+"Witnessing, as I did, the entire occurrence; feeling deeply for the
+inexperience which the heartless worldlings had dared to trample upon,
+I resolved to stand by you, and here I am come for that purpose."
+
+"Well, but what in the devil's name have I done all this time?"
+
+"What! are you still ignorant?--is it possible?  Did you not hand the
+kettle from the fire-place, and fill the tea-pot?--answer me that!"
+
+"I did," said Cudmore, with a voice already becoming tremulous.
+
+"Is that the duty of a gentleman?--answer me that."
+
+A dead pause stood in place of a reply, while Tom proceeded--
+
+"Did you ever hear any one ask me, or Counsellor Daly, or Mr. Fogarty,
+or any other person to do so?--answer me that."
+
+"No; never" muttered Cudmore, with a sinking spirit.
+
+"Well then why may I ask, were you selected for an office that by your
+own confession, no one else would stoop to perform?  I'll tell you,
+because from your youth and inexperience, your innocence was deemed a fit
+victim to the heartless sneers of a cold and unfeeling world."
+And here Tom broke forth into a very beautiful apostrophe, beginning--
+
+"Oh, virtue!" (this I am unfortunately unable to present to my readers;
+and must only assure them that it was a very faithful imitation of the
+well-known one delivered by Burke in the case of Warren Hastings,) and
+concluding with an exhortation to Cudmore to wipe out the stain of his
+wounded honour, by repelling with indignation the slightest future
+attempt at such an insult.
+
+This done, O'Flaherty retired, leaving Cudmore to dig among Greek roots,
+and chew over the cud of his misfortune.  Punctual to the time and place,
+that same evening beheld the injured Cudmore resume his wonted corner,
+pretty much with the feeling with which a forlorn hope stands match in
+hand to ignite the train destined to explode with ruin to thousands
+--himself perhaps amongst the number: there he sat with a brain as
+burning, and a heart as excited, as though, instead of sipping his bohea
+beside a sea-coal fire, he was that instant trembling beneath the frown
+of Dr. Elrington, for the blunders in his Latin theme, and what terror
+to the mind of a "Jib" can equal that one?
+
+As luck would have it, this was a company night in the boarding-house.
+Various young ladies in long blue sashes, and very broad ribbon sandals,
+paraded the rooms, chatting gaily with very distinguished looking young
+gentlemen, with gold brooches, and party-coloured inside waistcoats;
+sundry elderly ladies sat at card-tables, discussing the "lost honour by
+an odd trick they played," with heads as large as those of Jack or Jill
+in the pantomime; spruce clerks in public offices, (whose vocation the
+expansive tendency of the right ear, from long pen-carrying, betokened)
+discussed fashion, "and the musical glasses" to some very over-dressed
+married ladies, who preferred flirting to five-and-ten.  The tea-table,
+over which the amiable hostess presided, had also its standing votaries:
+mostly grave parliamentary-looking gentlemen, with powdered heads,
+and very long-waisted black coats, among whom the Sir Oracle was a
+functionary of his Majesty's High Court of Chancery, though I have reason
+to believe, not, Lord Manners: meanwhile, in all parts of the room might
+be seen Blue Peter, distributing tea, coffee, and biscuit, and
+occasionally interchanging a joke with the dwellers in the house.  While
+all these pleasing occupations proceeded, the hour of Cudmore's trial was
+approaching.  The tea-pot which had stood the attack of fourteen cups
+without flinching, at last began to fail, and discovered to the prying
+eyes of Mrs. Clanfrizzle, nothing but an olive-coloured deposit of soft
+matter, closely analogous in appearance and chemical property to the
+residuary precipitate in a drained fish-pond; she put down the lid with
+a gentle sigh and turning towards the fire bestowed one of her very
+blandest and most captivating looks on Mr. Cudmore, saying--as plainly
+as looks could say--"Cudmore, you're wanting."  Whether the youth did,
+or did not understand, I am unable to record: I can only say, the appeal
+was made without acknowledgment.  Mrs. Clanfrizzle again essayed, and by
+a little masonic movement of her hand to the tea-pot, and a sly glance at
+the hob, intimated her wish--still hopelessly; at last there was nothing
+for it but speaking; and she donned her very softest voice, and most
+persuasive tone, saying--
+
+"Mr. Cudmore, I am really very troublesome: will you permit me to ask
+you?"--
+
+"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" said Cudmore, with a voice that startled
+the whole room, disconcerting three whist parties, and so absorbing the
+attention of the people at loo, that the pool disappeared without any one
+being able to account for the circumstance.
+
+"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?"
+
+"If you will be so very kind," lisped the hostess.
+
+"Well, then, upon my conscience, you are impudent," said Cudmore, with
+his face crimsoned to the ears, and his eyes flashing fire.
+
+"Why, Mr. Cudmore," began the lady, "why, really, this is so strange.
+Why sir, what can you mean?"
+
+"Just that," said the imperturbable jib, who now that his courage was up,
+dared every thing.
+
+"But sir, you must surely have misunderstood me.  I only asked for the
+kettle, Mr. Cudmore."
+
+"The devil a more," said Cud, with a sneer.
+
+"Well, then, of course"--
+
+"Well, then, I'll tell you, of course," said he, repeating her words;
+"the sorrow taste of the kettle, I'll give you.  Call you own skip--Blue
+Pether there--damn me, if I'll be your skip any longer."
+
+For the uninitiated I have only to add, that "skip" is the Trinity
+College appellation for servant, which was therefore employed by Mr.
+Cudmore, on this occasion, as expressing more contemptuously his sense
+of the degradation of the office attempted to be put upon him.  Having
+already informed my reader on some particulars of the company, I leave
+him to suppose how Mr. Cudmore's speech was received.  Whist itself was
+at an end for that evening, and nothing but laughter, long, loud, and
+reiterated, burst from every corner of the room for hours after.
+
+As I have so far travelled out of the record of my own peculiar
+confessions, as to give a leaf from what might one day form the matter of
+Mr. Cudmore's, I must now make the only amende in my power, by honestly
+narrating, that short as my visit was to the classic precincts of this
+agreeable establishment, I did not escape without exciting my share of
+ridicule, though, I certainly had not the worst of the joke, and may,
+therefore, with better grace tell the story, which, happily for my
+readers, is a very brief one.  A custom prevailed in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's
+household, which from my unhappy ignorance of boarding-houses, I am
+unable to predicate if it belong to the genera at large, or this one
+specimen in particular, however, it is a sufficiently curious fact, even
+though thereby hang no tale, for my stating it here.  The decanters on
+the dinner-table were never labelled, with their more appropriate
+designation of contents, whether claret, sherry, or port, but with the
+names of their respective owners, it being a matter of much less
+consequence that any individual at table should mix his wine, by pouring
+"port upon madeira," than commit the truly legal offence of appropriating
+to his own use and benefit, even by mistake, his neighbour's bottle.
+However well the system may work among the regular members of the
+"domestic circle," and I am assured that it does succeed extremely
+--to the newly arrived guest, or uninitiated visitor, the affair is
+perplexing, and leads occasionally to awkward results.
+
+It so chanced, from my friend O'Flaherty's habitual position at the foot
+of the table, and my post of honour near the head, that on the first day
+of my appearing there, the distance between us, not only precluded all
+possible intercourse, but any of those gentle hints as to habits and
+customs, a new arrival looks for at the hands of his better informed
+friend.  The only mode of recognition, to prove that we belonged to each
+other, being by that excellent and truly English custom of drinking wine
+together, Tom seized the first idle moment from his avocation as carver
+to say,
+
+"Lorrequer, a glass of wine with you."
+
+Having, of course, acceded, he again asked,
+
+"What wine do you drink?" intending thereby, as I afterwards learned, to
+send me from his end of the table, what wine I selected.  Not conceiving
+the object of the inquiry, and having hitherto without hesitation helped
+myself from the decanter, which bore some faint resemblance to sherry,
+I immediately turned for correct information to the bottle itself, upon
+whose slender neck was ticketed the usual slip of paper.  My endeavours
+to decypher the writing occupied time sufficient again to make O'Flaherty
+ask,
+
+"Well, Harry, I'm waiting for you.  Will you have port?"
+
+"No, I thank you," I replied, having by this revealed the inscription.
+"No, I thank you; I'll just stick to my old friend here, Bob M'Grotty;"
+for thus I rendered familiarly the name of Rt. M'Grotty on the decanter,
+and which I in my ignorance believed to be the boarding-house soubriquet
+for bad sherry.  That Mr. M'Grotty himself little relished my familiarity
+with either his name or property I had a very decisive proof, for turning
+round upon his chair, and surveying my person from head to foot with a
+look of fiery wrath, he thundered out in very broad Scotch,
+
+"And by my saul, my freend, ye may just as weel finish it noo, for deil a
+glass o' his ain wine did Bob M'Grotty, as ye ca' him, swallow this day."
+
+The convulsion of laughter into which my blunder and the Scotchman's
+passion threw the whole board, lasted till the cloth was withdrawn, and
+the ladies had retired to the drawing-room, the only individual at table
+not relishing the mistake being the injured proprietor of the bottle, who
+was too proud to accept reparation from my friend's decanter, and would
+scarcely condescend to open his lips during the evening; notwithstanding
+which display of honest indignation, we contrived to become exceedingly
+merry and jocose, most of the party communicating little episodes of
+their life, in which, it is true, they frequently figured in situations
+that nothing but their native and natural candour would venture to avow.
+One story I was considerably amused at; it was told by the counsellor,
+Mr. Daly, in illustration of the difficulty of rising at the bar, and
+which, as showing his own mode of obviating the delay that young
+professional men submit to from hard necessity, as well as in evidence of
+his strictly legal turn, I shall certainly recount, one of these days,
+for the edification of the junior bar.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIV.
+
+THE CHASE.
+
+On the morning after my visit to the boarding-house, I received a few
+hurried lines from Curzon, informing me that no time was to be lost in
+joining the regiment--that a grand fancy ball was about to be given by
+the officers of the Dwarf frigate, then stationed off Dunmore; who, when
+inviting the ___, specially put in a demand for my well-known services,
+to make it to go off, and concluding with an extract from the Kilkenny
+Moderator, which ran thus--
+
+     "An intimation has just reached us, from a quarter on which we can
+     place the fullest reliance, that the celebrated amateur performer,
+     Mr. Lorrequer, may shortly be expected amongst us; from the many
+     accounts we have received of this highly-gifted gentleman's powers,
+     we anticipate a great treat to the lovers of the drama," &c. &c.
+     "So you see, my dear Hal," continued Curzon, "thy vocation calls
+     thee; therefore come, and come quickly--provide thyself with a black
+     satin costume, slashed with light blue--point lace collar and
+     ruffles--a Spanish hat looped in front--and, if possible, a long
+     rapier, with a flap hilt.--Carden is not here; so you may show your
+     face under any colour with perfect impunity.--Yours from the side
+     scenes,
+
+                                             "C. Curzon."
+
+This clever epistle sufficed to show me that the gallant __th had gone
+clean theatrical mad; and although from my "last appearance on any
+stage," it might be supposed I should feel no peculiar desire to repeat
+the experiment, yet the opportunity of joining during Col. Carden's
+absence, was too tempting to resist, and I at once made up my mind to
+set out, and, without a moment's delay, hurried across the street to
+the coach office, to book myself an inside in the mail of that night;
+fortunately no difficulty existed in my securing the seat, for the
+way-bill was a perfect blank, and I found myself the only person who had,
+as yet, announced himself a passenger.  On returning to my hotel, I found
+O'Flaherty waiting for me; he was greatly distressed on hearing my
+determination to leave town--explained how he had been catering for my
+amusement for the week to come--that a picnic to the Dargle was arranged
+in a committee of the whole house, and a boating party, with a dinner at
+the Pigeon-house, was then under consideration; resisting, however, such
+extreme temptations, I mentioned the necessity of my at once proceeding
+to headquarters, and all other reasons for my precipitancy failing,
+concluded with that really knock-down argument, "I have taken my place;"
+this, I need scarcely add, finished the matter--at least I have never
+known it fail in such cases.  Tell your friends that your wife is hourly
+expecting to be confined; your favourite child is in the measles--you
+best friend waiting your aid in an awkward scrape--your one vote only
+wanting to turn the scale in an election.  Tell them, I say, each or all
+of these, or a hundred more like them, and to any one you so speak, the
+answer is--"Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, never fear--don't fuss yourself
+--take it easy--to-morrow will do just as well."  If, on the other hand,
+however, you reject such flimsy excuses, and simply say, "I'm booked in
+the mail," the opposition at once falls to the ground, and your quondam
+antagonist, who was ready to quarrel with you, is at once prepared to
+assist in packing your portmanteau.
+
+Having soon satisfied my friend Tom that resistance was in vain, I
+promised to eat an early dinner with him at Morrisson's, and spent the
+better part of the morning in putting down a few notes of my Confessions,
+as well as the particulars of Mr. Daly's story, which, I believe, I half
+or wholly promised my readers at the conclusion of my last chapter; but
+which I must defer to a more suitable opportunity, when mentioning the
+next occasion of my meeting him on the southern circuit.
+
+My dispositions were speedily made.  I was fortunate in securing the
+exact dress my friend's letter alluded to among the stray costumes of
+Fishamble-street; and rich in the possession of the only "properties" it
+has been my lot to acquire, I despatched my treasure to the coach office,
+and hastened to Morrisson's, it being by this time nearly five o'clock.
+There, true to time, I found O'Flaherty deep in the perusal of the bill,
+along which figured the novel expedients for dining, I had been in the
+habit of reading in every Dublin hotel since my boyhood.  "Mock turtle,
+mutton, gravy, roast beef and potatoes--shoulder of mutton and potatoes!
+--ducks and peas, potatoes!! ham and chicken, cutlet steak and
+potatoes!!! apple tart and cheese:" with a slight cadenza of a sigh over
+the distant glories of Very, or still better the "Freres," we sat down to
+a very patriarchal repast, and what may be always had par excellence in
+Dublin, a bottle of Sneyd's claret.
+
+Poor Tom's spirits were rather below their usual pitch; and although he
+made many efforts to rally and appear gay, he could not accomplish it.
+However, we chatted away over old times and old friends, and forgetting
+all else but the topics we talked of, the time-piece over the chimney
+first apprised me that two whole hours had gone by, and that it was now
+seven o'clock, the very hour the coach was to start.  I started up at
+once, and notwithstanding all Tom's representations of the impossibility
+of my being in time, had despatched waiters in different directions for a
+jarvey, more than ever determined upon going; so often is it that when
+real reasons for our conduct are wanting, any casual or chance opposition
+confirms us in an intention which before was but uncertain.  Seeing me so
+resolved, Tom, at length, gave way, and advised my pursuing the mail,
+which must be now gone at least ten minutes, and which, with smart
+driving, I should probably overtake before getting free of the city, as
+they have usually many delays in so doing.  I at once ordered out the
+"yellow post-chaise," and before many minutes had elapsed, what, with
+imprecation and bribery, I started in pursuit of his Majesty's Cork and
+Kilkenny mail coach, then patiently waiting in the court-yard of the Post
+Office.
+
+"Which way now, your honor?" said a shrill voice from the dark--for such
+the night had already become, and threatened with a few heavy drops of
+straight rain, the fall of a tremendous shower.
+
+"The Naas road," said I; "and, harkye, my fine fellow, if you overtake
+the coach in half an hour, I'll double your fare."
+
+"Be gorra, I'll do my endayvour," said the youth; at the same time
+instant dashing in both spurs, we rattled down Nassau-street at a very
+respectable pace for harriers.  Street after street we passed, and at
+last I perceived we had got clear of the city, and were leaving the long
+line of lamp-lights behind us.  The night was now pitch dark.  I could
+not see any thing whatever.  The quick clattering of the wheels, the
+sharp crack of the postillion's whip, or the still sharper tone of his
+"gee hup," showed me we were going at a tremendous pace, had I not even
+had the experience afforded by the frequent visits my head paid to the
+roof of the chaise, so often as we bounded over a stone, or splashed
+through a hollow.  Dark and gloomy as it was, I constantly let down the
+window, and with half my body protruded, endeavores to catch a glimpse of
+the "Chase;" but nothing could I see.  The rain now fell in actual
+torrents; and a more miserable night it is impossible to conceive.
+
+After about an hour so spent, he at last came to a check, so sudden and
+unexpected on my part, that I was nearly precipitated, harlequin fashion,
+through the front window.  Perceiving that we no longer moved, and
+suspecting that some part of our tackle had given way, I let down the
+sash, and cried out--"Well now, my lad, any thing wrong?"  My questions
+was, however, unheard; and although, amid the steam arising from the wet
+and smoking horses, I could perceive several figures indistinctly moving
+about, I could not distinguish what they were doing, nor what they said.
+A laugh I certainly did hear, and heartily cursed the unfeeling wretch,
+as I supposed him to be, who was enjoying himself at my disappointment.
+I again endeavoured to find out what had happened, and called out still
+louder than before.
+
+"We are at Ra'coole, your honor," said the boy, approaching the door of
+the chaise, "and she's only beat us by hafe a mile."
+
+"Who the devil is she?" said I.
+
+"The mail, your honor, is always a female in Ireland."
+
+"Then why do you stop now?  You're not going to feed I suppose?"
+
+"Of course not, your honor, it's little feeding troubles these bastes,
+any how, but they tell me the road is so heavy we'll never take the
+chaise over the next stage without leaders."
+
+"Without leaders!" said I.  "Pooh! my good fellow, no humbugging,
+four horses for a light post-chaise and no luggage; come get up, and no
+nonsense."  At this moment a man approached the window with a lantern in
+his hand, and so strongly represented the dreadful state of the roads
+from the late rains--the length of the stage--the frequency of accidents
+latterly from under-horsing, &c. &c. that I yielded, a reluctant assent,
+and ordered out the leaders, comforting myself the while, that
+considering the inside fare of the coach, I made such efforts to
+overtake, was under a pound, and that time was no object to me, I
+certainly was paying somewhat dearly for my character for resolution.
+
+At last we got under way once more, and set off cheered by a tremendous
+shout from at least a dozen persons, doubtless denizens of that
+interesting locality, amid which I once again heard the laugh that had so
+much annoyed me already.  The rain was falling, if possible, more heavily
+than before, and had evidently set in for the entire night.  Throwing
+myself back into a corner of the "leathern convenience," I gave myself up
+to the full enjoyment of the Rouchefoucauld maxim, that there is always a
+pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friends, and certainly
+experienced no small comfort in my distress, by contrasting my present
+position with that of my two friends in the saddle, as they sweltered on
+through mud and mire, rain and storm.  On we went, splashing, bumping,
+rocking, and jolting, till I began at last to have serious thoughts of
+abdicating the seat and betaking myself to the bottom of the chaise, for
+safety and protection.  Mile after mile succeeded, and as after many a
+short and fitful slumber, which my dreams gave an apparent length to,
+I woke only to find myself still in pursuit--the time seemed so
+enormously protracted that I began to fancy my whole life was to be
+passed in the dark, in chase of the Kilkenny mail, as we read in the true
+history of the flying Dutchman, who, for his sins of impatience--like
+mine--spent centuries vainly endeavouring to double the Cape, or the
+Indian mariner in Moore's beautiful ballad, of whom we are told as--
+
+                   "Many a day to night gave way,
+                      And many a morn succeeded,
+                    Yet still his flight, by day and night,
+                      That restless mariner speeded."
+
+This might have been all very well in the tropics, with a smart craft and
+doubtless plenty of sea store--but in a chaise, at night, and on the Naas
+road, I humbly suggest I had all the worse of the parallel.
+
+At last the altered sound of the wheels gave notice of our approach
+to a town, and after about twenty minutes; rattling over the pavement
+we entered what I supposed, correctly, to be Naas.  Here I had long since
+determined my pursuit should cease.  I had done enough, and more than
+enough, to vindicate my fame against any charge of irresolution as to
+leaving Dublin, and was bethinking me of the various modes of prosecuting
+my journey on the morrow, when we drew up suddenly at the door of the
+Swan. The arrival of a chaise and four at a small country town inn,
+suggests to the various employees therein, any thing rather than the
+traveller in pursuit of the mail, and so the moment I arrived, I was
+assailed with innumerable proffers of horses, supper, bed, &c.  My
+anxious query was thrice repeated in vain, "When did the coach pass?"
+
+"The mail," replied the landlord at length.  "Is it the down mail?"
+
+Not understanding the technical, I answered, "Of course not the Down--the
+Kilkenny and Cork mail."
+
+"From Dublin, sir?"
+
+"Yes, from Dublin."
+
+"Not arrived yet, sir, nor will it for three quarters of an hour; they
+never leave Dublin till a quarter past seven; that is, in fact, half
+past, and their time here is twenty minutes to eleven."
+
+"Why, you stupid son of a boot-top, we have been posting on all night
+like the devil, and all this time the coach has been ten miles behind
+us."
+
+"Well, we've cotch them any how," said the urchin, as he disengaged
+himself from his wet saddle, and stood upon the ground; "and it is not my
+fault that the coach is not before us."
+
+With a satisfactory anathema upon all innkeepers, waiters, hostlers, and
+post-boys, with a codicil including coach-proprietors, I followed the
+smirking landlord into a well-lighted room, with a blazing fire, when
+having ordered supper, I soon regained my equanimity.
+
+My rasher and poached eggs, all Naas could afford me, were speedily
+despatched, and as my last glass, from my one pint of sherry, was poured
+out, the long expected coach drew up.  A minute after the coachman
+entered to take his dram, followed by the guard; a more lamentable
+spectacle of condensed moisture cannot be conceived; the rain fell from
+the entire circumference of his broad-brimmed hat, like the ever-flowing
+drop from the edge of an antique fountain; his drab-coat had become a
+deep orange hue, while his huge figure loomed still larger, as he stood
+amid a nebula of damp, that would have made an atmosphere for the
+Georgium Sidus.
+
+"Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and no
+chance of its clearing, but of course you're inside."
+
+"Why, there is very little doubt of that," said I.  "Are you nearly full
+inside?"
+
+"Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries at
+the office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when he
+heard that one place had been taken--your's, I believe, sir--he seemed
+like a scalded bear."
+
+"You don't know his name then?"
+
+"No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is two
+brown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeed
+he never lets them from him even for a second."
+
+Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy,
+and prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom,
+however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churl
+that made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of any
+one else's convenience.
+
+As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulated
+myself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind and
+rain that railed about.
+
+"Here's the step, sir," said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes late
+already."
+
+"I beg your pardon, sir," said I, as I half fell over the legs of my
+unseen companion.  "May I request leave to pass you?"  While he made way
+for me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards the
+guard, and said something, who from his answer had evidently been
+questioned as to who I was.  "And how did he get here, if he took his
+place in Dublin?" asked the unknown.
+
+"Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four," said the guard, as
+he banged the door behind him, and closed the interview.
+
+Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxiety
+about my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feeling
+gratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coach
+office, I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me.
+
+"A severe night, sir," said I, endeavouring to break ground in
+conversation.
+
+"Mighty severe," briefly and half crustily replied the unknown, with a
+richness of brogue, that might have stood for a certificate of baptism
+in Cork or its vicinity.
+
+"And a bad road too, sir," said I, remembering my lately accomplished
+stage.
+
+"That's the reason I always go armed," said the unknown, clinking at the
+same moment something like the barrel of a pistol.
+
+Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I felt
+disposed to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about to
+address myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could.
+
+"I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir," said
+he, as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paper
+packages the guard had already alluded to.
+
+In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols,
+which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon which
+he immediately started, and asked hurriedly--"and are you armed too?"
+
+"Why, yes," said I, laughingly; "men of my trade seldom go without
+something of this kind."
+
+"Be gorra, I was just thinking that same," said the traveller, with a
+half sigh to himself.
+
+Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself to
+canvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I was
+startled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottom
+of my companion's heart.
+
+"Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety.
+
+"You might say that," replied he--"if you knew who you were talking to
+--although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me till
+now."
+
+"Without having that pleasure even yet," said I, "it would grieve me to
+think you should be ill in the coach."
+
+"May be it might," briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaning
+in his words I could not then understand.  "Did ye never hear tell of
+Barney Doyle?" said he.
+
+"Not to my recollection."
+
+"Then I'm Barney," said he; "that's in all the newspapers in the
+metropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four in
+the Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger,
+I'm thinking, or you'd know me now."
+
+"Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last six
+months."
+
+"Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling with
+me, if you knew who it was."
+
+"Why, really," said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of the
+hints of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meeting
+you."
+
+"It's pleasure ye call it; then there's no accountin' for tastes,
+as Dr. Colles said, when he saw me bite Cusack Rooney's thumb off."
+
+"Bite a man's thumb off!" said I, in a horror.
+
+"Ay," said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wish
+you'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait to
+ax for a fee."
+
+Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I.  "And, may I ask sir,"
+said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reason
+for this singular propensity of yours?"
+
+"There it is now, my dear," said he, laying his hand upon my knee
+familiarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says,
+it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and some
+of the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my real
+impression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all."
+
+"And have they no name for the malady?" said I.
+
+"Oh sure enough they have a name for it."
+
+"And, may I ask--"
+
+"Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might be
+throublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; and
+it might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of the
+fits."
+
+"One of the fits!  Why it's not possible, sir," said I, "you would travel
+in a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surely
+would not permit it?"
+
+"Why, if they knew, perhaps," slily responded the interesting invalid,
+"if they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped only
+last night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they find
+I'm off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time."
+
+"Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?"
+
+"They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infection
+comes first from the dog."
+
+"You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia," said I, my hair actually
+bristling with horror and consternation.
+
+"Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though."
+
+"And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for the
+answer.
+
+"This is the ninth day since I took to biting," said he gravely,
+perfectly unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information was
+calculated to convey.
+
+"Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted in
+travelling in a public coach, exposing others--"
+
+"You'd better not raise your voice, that way," quietly responded he, "if
+I'm roused, it 'll be worse for ye, that's all."
+
+"Well but," said I, moderating my zeal, "is it exactly prudent, in your
+present delicate state, to undertake a journey?"
+
+"Ah," said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox hounds
+throw off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothing
+else; but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might be
+throublesome."
+
+"Upon my soul," thought I, "I shall not select that morning for my debut
+in the field."
+
+"I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road--any thing
+else, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water--running water
+particularly--makes me throublesome."
+
+Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the cold
+perspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must be
+within about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should have
+to pass a very wide river.  I strictly concealed this fact from him,
+however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, or
+rivulet, for forty miles on either side of us.  He now sunk into a kind
+of moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as if
+speaking to himself--what this might portend, I knew not--but thought it
+better, under all circumstances, not to disturb him.  How comfortable my
+present condition was, I need scarcely remark--sitting vis a vis to a
+lunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession--who had already avowed
+his consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and his inability to
+master it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits of a
+mail-coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and no
+possibility of escape--how heartily I wished myself back in the
+Coffee-room at Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom--the infernal
+chaise, that I cursed a hundred times, would have been an "exchange,"
+better than into the Life Guards--ay, even the outside of the coach, if
+I could only reach it, would, under present circumstances, be a glorious
+alternative to my existing misfortune.  What were rain and storm,
+thunder and lightning, compared with the chances that awaited me here?
+--wet through I should inevitably be, but then I had not yet contracted
+the horror of moisture my friend opposite laboured under.  "Ha! what is
+that? is it possible he can be asleep; is it really a snore?--Heaven
+grant that little snort be not what the medical people call a
+premonitory symptom--if so, he'll be in upon me now in no time.  Ah,
+there it is again; he must be asleep surely; now then is my time or
+never."  With these words, muttered to myself, and a heart throbbing
+almost audibly at the risk of his awakening, I slowly let down the
+window of the coach, and stretching forth my hand, turned the handle
+cautiously and slowly; I next disengaged my legs, and by a long
+continuous effort of creeping--which I had learned perfectly once, when
+practising to go as a boa constrictor to a fancy ball--I withdrew myself
+from the seat and reached the step, when I muttered something very like
+a thanksgiving to Providence for my rescue. With little difficulty I now
+climbed up beside the guard, whose astonishment at my appearance was
+indeed considerable--that any man should prefer the out, to the inside
+of a coach, in such a night, was rather remarkable; but that the person
+so doing should be totally unprovided with a box-coat, or other similar
+protection, argued something so strange, that I doubt not, if he were to
+decide upon the applicability of the statute of lunacy to a traveller in
+the mail, the palm would certainly have been awarded to me, and not to
+my late companion.  Well, on we rolled, and heavily as the rain poured
+down, so relieved did I feel at my change of position, that I soon fell
+fast asleep, and never awoke till the coach was driving up Patrick
+street. Whatever solace to my feelings reaching the outside of the coach
+might have been attended with at night, the pleasure I experienced on
+awaking, was really not unalloyed.  More dead than alive, I sat a mass
+of wet clothes, like nothing under heaven except it be that morsel of
+black and spongy wet cotton at the bottom of a schoolboy's ink bottle,
+saturated with rain, and the black dye of my coat.  My hat too had
+contributed its share of colouring matter, and several long black
+streaks coursed down my "wrinkled front," giving me very much the air of
+an Indian warrior, who had got the first priming of his war paint.  I
+certainly must have been rueful object, were I only to judge from the
+faces of the waiters as they gazed on me when the coach drew up at Rice
+and Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, and weary as I was, my curiosity to learn
+more of my late agreeable companion was strong as ever within me
+--perhaps stronger, from the sacrifices his acquaintance had exacted
+from me.  Before, however, I had disengaged myself from the pile of
+trunks and carpet bags I had surrounded myself with--he had got out of
+the coach, and all I could catch a glimpse of was the back of a little
+short man in a kind of grey upper coat, and long galligaskins on his
+legs.  He carried his two bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly up
+the steps of the hotel, without turning his head to either side.
+
+"Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend," I cried out, as I
+sprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after the
+great unknown into the coffee-room.  By the time I reached it he had
+approached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited the
+mysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himself
+of his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had time
+to appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before he
+perceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, and
+throwing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat;
+and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayed
+to my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of Doctor
+Finucane.
+
+"Why, Doctor--Doctor Finucane," cried I, "is this possible? were you
+really the inside in the mail last night."
+
+"Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask,--were
+you the outside?"
+
+"Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story about
+Barney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb--eh?"
+
+"Oh, by the Lord," said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and it
+was you that I drove outside in all the rain last night!  Oh, it will
+kill Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and he
+burst out into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break his
+head with the poker.
+
+"Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of your
+was contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to the
+ridicule of your confounded acquaintances."
+
+"Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience," said Fin, drying his eyes,
+and endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental.  "If I had only the least
+suspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had the
+hydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the only
+one frightened--you alarmed me devilishly too."
+
+"I alarmed you!  Why, how can that be?"
+
+"Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notes
+down to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork--fifteen thousand pounds
+--devil a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after driving
+there with your four horses, I thought it was all up with me.  The guard
+just whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of your
+pistols before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary,
+before you'd count five.  Well, when you got seated, the thought came
+into my mind that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dying
+a natural death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so I
+trumped up that long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman's
+thumb, and devil knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, the
+cold perspiration was running down my head and face, for every time you
+stirred, I said to myself, now he'll do it.  Two or three times, do you
+know, I was going to offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare my
+life; and once, God forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan to
+shoot you by 'mistake,' do you perceave?"
+
+"Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessively
+kind intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me on
+the present occasion.  But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, and
+before I go, promise me two things--to dine with us to-day at the mess,
+and not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night--it tells,
+believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if these
+confounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out,
+or quit the army; I'll never hear the end of it!"
+
+"Never fear, my boy; trust me.  I'll dine with you, and you're as safe as
+a church-mouse for any thing I'll tell them; so, now you'd better change
+your clothes, for I'm thinking it rained last night."
+
+Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left the
+room, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I had
+made, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to;
+"however," thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; the
+whole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I may
+shoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me."
+Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what with
+mulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being a
+warm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, strait
+waistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my late
+companion's narrative so readily suggested.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XV.
+
+MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK.
+
+At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy Doctor
+Finucane to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobserved
+by him, to inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend was
+really a character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in good
+stories than even the generality of his countrymen.
+
+Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening.
+Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainly
+perceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund of
+humour, quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnished
+throughout by his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana," kept
+us from one roar of laughter to another.  It was just at the moment in
+which his spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune to
+call upon him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded to
+on the ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a great
+desire to hear from Fin's own lips.  He seemed disposed to escape telling
+it, and upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked,
+
+"You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in;
+and these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've been
+labouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freely
+down this quarter."
+
+I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace across
+the table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor's
+tone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptoms
+of fun than suffering about it, called out together--
+
+"Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack--pray
+relate it."
+
+"With Mr. Lorrequer's permission I'm your slave, gentlemen," said Fin,
+finishing off his glass.
+
+"Oh, as for me," I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detail
+whatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement."
+
+"Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, and
+we are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes,
+whatever they be."
+
+"Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave;
+but now that he sees no objection--Eh, do you though?  if so, then, don't
+be winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a syllable
+of it I'll tell to man or mortal."
+
+The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across the
+table, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphic
+signals I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversation
+into any other channel.
+
+"Then, that's enough," continued he sotto voce--"I see you'd rather I'd
+not tell it."
+
+"Tell it and be d____d," said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacity
+with which the villain assailed me.  My most unexpected energy threw the
+whole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began his
+narrative of the mail-coach adventure.
+
+I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these my
+Confessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, when
+entrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet's
+feeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincere
+condolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy upon
+the distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came to
+describe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitate
+retreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that was
+not convulsed with laughter---and, shall I acknowledge it, even I myself
+was unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general chorus
+against myself.
+
+"Well," said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if ye
+haven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject.  Maybe,
+however, you're not so cruel after all--here's a toast for you, 'a speedy
+recovery to Cusack Rooney.'"  This was drank amid renewed peals, with all
+the honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, to wish
+every man of them hanged.  It was to no purpose that I endeavoured to
+turn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance to
+a highwayman---his story had the precedence, and I met nothing during my
+recital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; and
+contemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense.
+
+"It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how," said Fin,
+"for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure I
+would not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight."
+
+"And besides, Doctor," added I, "it would not be your first blunder in
+the dark."
+
+"True for you, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, good-humouredly; "and now that I
+have told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybe
+some of ye have heard it already--it's pretty well known in the North
+Cork."
+
+We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a fresh
+cooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while the
+Doctor proceeded as follows:--
+
+"It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered in
+Maynooth, as many said, for our sins--for a more stupid place, the Lord
+be merciful to it, never were men condemned to.  The people at the
+college were much better off than us--they had whatever was to be got in
+the country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or night
+patrols.  Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fully
+as well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite as
+intimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine
+--they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but whenever
+they were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they were
+always pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused,
+by any chance, an invitation to dinner--no matter at what inconvenience.
+Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by an
+unfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones,
+that gave a wrong pass one night--Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here he
+alluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my Confessions)
+--and from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the Abbe
+D'Array, or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess.  Well, the only
+thing I could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at the
+College in the evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and a
+little social and intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and a
+glass of punch, just to season the thing, before we separated; all done
+discreetly and quietly--no shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior'
+had a prejudice about profane songs.  Well, one of those nights it was,
+about the first week in February, I was detained by stress of weather
+from 11 o'clock, when we usually bade good-night, to past twelve, and
+then to one o'clock, waiting for a dry moment to get home to the
+barracks--a good mile and a half off.  Every time old Father Mahony went
+to look at the weather, he came back saying, 'It's worse it's getting;
+such a night of rain, glory be to God, never was seen.'  So there was no
+good in going out to be drenched to the skin, and I sat quietly waiting,
+taking, between times, a little punch, just not to seem impatient, nor
+distress their rev'rances.  At last it struck two, and I thought--'well,
+the decanter is empty now, and I think, if I mean to walk, I've taken
+enough for the present;' so, wishing them all manner of happiness, and
+pleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down stairs, and set out on my
+journey.  I was always in the habit of taking a short cut on my way home,
+across the 'gurt na brocha,' the priest's meadows, as they call them, it
+saved nearly half a mile, although, on the present occasion, it exposed
+one wofully to the rain, for there was nothing to shelter against the
+entire way, not even a tree.  Well, out I set in a half trot, for I staid
+so late I was pressed for time; besides, I felt it easier to run than
+walk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop of drink I took got
+into my head.  Well, I was just jogging on across the common; the rain
+beating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with the wet;
+notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, to
+lighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a man
+sneezing.  I stopped and listened,--in fact, it was impossible to see
+your hand, the night was so dark--but I could hear nothing; the thought
+then came over me, maybe it's something 'not good,' for there were very
+ugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in these
+meadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them.  Just as
+I was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might be
+only a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a groan.
+'The Lord be about us,' I said to myself, 'what's this?--have ye the
+pass?'  I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking here,
+in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or not,
+I was going to address him in Latin--there's nothing equal to the dead
+languages to lay a ghost, every body knows.  Faith the moment I said
+these words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like than
+before.  'If it's uneasy ye are,' says I, 'for any neglect of your
+friends,' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thought
+convenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of the
+rain, for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home,' said
+I, 'and, if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself,
+rather than you should fret yourself this way.'  The words were not well
+out of my mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went right
+through both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me,' said I, trembling.
+'Amen,' says he, 'whether you're joking or not.'  The moment he said that
+my mind was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began to
+laugh heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that's
+roving about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for I
+left him asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, my
+friend, if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?'
+He coughed then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, but
+just perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a little
+disguised in liquor.  'It's a good man's case,' said I, 'to take a little
+too much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of my
+hand, and I'll see you safe.'  I stretched out my hand, and got him, not
+by the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was all
+dripping with wet, and had lost his hat.  'Well, you'll not be better of
+this night's excursion,' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism;
+and, now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe,
+before I leave you?'  What he said then I never could clearly make out,
+for the wind and rain were both beating so hard against my face that I
+could not hear a word; however, I was able just to perceive that he was
+very much disguised in drink, and spoke rather thick.  'Well, never
+mind,' said I, 'it's not a time of day for much conversation; so, come
+along, and I'll see you safe in the guard-house, if you can't remember
+your own place of abode in the meanwhile.'  It was just at the moment I
+said this that I first discovered he was not a gentleman.  Well, now,
+you'd never guess how I did it; and, faith I always thought it a very
+cute thing of me, and both of us in the dark."
+
+"Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, under
+the circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major.
+
+"Just guess how."
+
+"By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent," said Curzon.
+
+"Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone he
+was in liquor."
+
+"Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test."
+
+"No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him for
+fear of falling, for he was always stooping down.  Well, you'd never
+guess it; it was just by the touch of his foot."
+
+"His foot!  Why how did that give you any information?"
+
+"There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have made
+any thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to tread
+upon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like the
+weight of him.  'Well,' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you a
+cold, my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feet
+with such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you.'  Well, he laughed
+at that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I could
+not help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, and
+so we jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we were
+sitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us.  I am sure I
+can't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the next
+morning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; for
+he was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and he
+always kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almost
+broke in keeping him upon his legs.  I'm sure I never had a more
+fatiguing march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and a
+half; but every misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock,
+striking by the college clock, as we reached the barracks.  After
+knocking a couple of times, and giving the countersign, the sentry opened
+the small wicket, and my heart actually leaped with joy that I had done
+with my friend; so, I just called out the sergeant of the guard, and
+said, 'will you put that poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for I
+found him on the common, and he could neither find his way home nor tell
+me where he lived.'  'And where is he?' said the sergeant.  'He's outside
+the gate there,' said I, 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had the
+ague.'  'And is this him?' said the sergeant as we went outside.  'It
+is,' said I, 'maybe you know him?'  'Maybe I've a guess,' said he,
+bursting into a fit of laughing, that I thought he'd choke with.  'Well,
+sergeant,' said I, 'I always took you for a humane man; but, if that's
+the way you treat a fellow-creature in distress.'  'A fellow-creature,'
+said he, laughing louder than before.  'Ay, a fellow-creature,' said I
+--for the sergeant was an orangeman--'and if he differs from you in
+matters of religion, sure he's your fellow-creature still.'  'Troth,
+Doctor, I think there's another trifling difference betune us,' said he.
+'Damn your politics,' said I; 'never let them interfere with true
+humanity.' Wasn't I right, Major?  'Take good care of him, and there's a
+half-a-crown for ye.'  So saying these words, I steered along by the
+barrack wall, and, after a little groping about, got up stairs to my
+quarters, when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, and regular
+habits of life, I soon fell fast asleep."
+
+When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from the
+table, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of a
+man who has brought his tale to a termination.
+
+"Well, but Doctor," said the Major, "you are surely not done.  You have
+not yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be."
+
+"That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do."
+
+"But, of course," said another, "your story does not end there."
+
+"And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he.  "Didn't I bring
+my hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtue
+rewarded, how could I finish it better?"
+
+"Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principal
+character in the narrative," said I.
+
+"Exactly so," said Curzon.  "We were all expecting some splendid
+catastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Duke
+of Leinster, at least--or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense price
+upon his head."
+
+"Neither the one nor the other," said Fin, drily.
+
+"And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery of
+him?"
+
+"The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour," said he.  "There
+was a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Cork
+never wanted something to laugh at."
+
+"And what was the joke?" said several voices together.
+
+"Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to the
+Colonel, in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blind
+mare off the common, and that the letters were late in consequence."
+
+"And so, Doctor," called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out to
+be--"
+
+"Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, would
+take his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to the
+hour of my death."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVI.
+
+THEATRICALS.
+
+Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we had
+discussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feeling
+in favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a very
+ample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room"
+till near the break of day.
+
+From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of their
+doings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that they
+possessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery,
+dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of public
+estimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated on
+the result of my appearance to crown them with honour.  I had indeed very
+little choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me for
+a particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundry
+little three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite of
+the surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening the
+committee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dress
+rehearsal of the 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ and
+Mrs. ____'s company on the occasion.  Mr. Lorrequer will undertake the
+part of Captain Beauguarde.  Supper at twelve.  An answer will oblige."
+
+The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which the
+foregoing is a true copy--was presented to me as a great favour that
+evening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of their
+high and mighty resolves till the following morning.  It was to little
+purpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that of
+Captain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing--had never read the piece
+--nor even seen it performed.  I felt, too, that my last appearance in
+character in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and I
+trembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusion
+to my adventure at Cheltenham might come out.  Happily they seemed all
+ignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to the
+matter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed that
+if it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it--I had
+but four days--I should undertake the character.  My concurrence failed
+to give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did what
+they pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got the
+credit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services may
+always command.
+
+"To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not?  I could
+learn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that."
+
+Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow of
+study, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degraded
+at our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to the
+office of check-taker.
+
+"He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, with
+the white eyebrows.  "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealous
+though, for he is to play with Fanny."
+
+"I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy.
+
+"Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right.  Lorrequer has Fanny for his
+'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myself
+upon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I was
+acting, and make fierce love to her on the stage."
+
+"And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air of
+the "Dey of Algiers" in my tone.
+
+"Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only man
+to do justice to such perfection."
+
+"Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are a
+confoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrown
+her eyes on one amongst you--"
+
+"Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man.  He'll be
+off to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing of
+such matters."
+
+"Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does not
+Curzon take the part you destine for me?"
+
+"We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when the
+call-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'd
+find that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird of
+paradise feather in his cap."
+
+"Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for if
+nothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley"
+--for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question.
+
+"And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand--you are a real trump."
+These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table,
+were addressed to my friend Finucane.
+
+"I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a most
+seductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch."
+
+"But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will ye
+do for us?  You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could get
+up the Rivals."
+
+"My forte is the drum--the big drum; put me among what the Greeks call
+the 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye."
+
+It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; and
+after some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated for
+the night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzon
+attempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, and
+looked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence.
+
+During the time which intervened between the dinner and the night
+appointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than a
+Chancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced.  The
+whole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, and
+all those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota of
+labour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit half
+the day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story of
+Finucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors,
+scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from their
+uproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove me
+distracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the whole
+management.  Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was a
+professional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty;
+that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night she
+had appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurd
+persecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until the
+morning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the house
+of a country gentleman in the neighbourhood.  Here was a new difficulty I
+had to contend with--to go through my part alone was out of the question
+to making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I often
+fairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to the
+uttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again.
+By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting our
+rehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat later
+after his night at mess, I managed to have things in something like
+order; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was not
+story-telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact the
+greatest difficulties opposed to my managerial functions.  One property
+he possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that it
+completely baffled me.  So numerous were his narratives, that no
+occasion could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on the
+stage, but Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon,
+he at once related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; that
+was usually the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stage
+directions and groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests.  I shall
+give an instance of this habit of interruption, and let the unhappy
+wight who has filled such an office as mine pity my woes.
+
+I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual.
+One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, and
+who bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something like
+his part.
+
+"Come now, Elsmore, try it again--just so.  Yes, come forward in this
+manner--take her hand tenderly--press it to your lips; retreat towards
+the flat, and then bowing deferentially--thus, say 'Good night, good
+night'--that's very simple, eh?  Well, now that's all you have to do, and
+that brings you over here--so you make your exit at once."
+
+"Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under such
+circumstances.  That was the way with my poor friend, Curran.  Poor
+Philpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave him
+a gold box with their arms upon it--a goose proper, with needles saltier
+wise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancient
+and loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner.  Well, Curran
+was mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, till
+the moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spent
+so happy an evening, and all that.  'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'business
+has its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'--there
+were just eighteen of them--'wishing you now every happiness and
+prosperity, permit me to take my leave'--and here he stole near the door
+--'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'"  With a running fire
+of such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in getting
+any thing done upon the stage.
+
+Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morning
+with all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he is
+half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him.  I had
+scarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, and
+begged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler,
+who was in the drawing-room.  I replied, of course, in the affirmative,
+and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fanny
+already alluded to, followed the servant down stairs.
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, left
+me in sole possession of the lady.
+
+"Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of the
+sweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa beside
+her.  "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I really
+cannot talk to any one I don't see."
+
+I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes--the fullest
+and most lovely blue that ever man gazed into--at which she smiled as if
+pleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longing
+for your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing,
+spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon me
+if I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graced
+a barn.  Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed.  Like all amateur
+people, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters--to put
+every man in his most unsuitable position--and then that poor dear thing
+Curzon--I hope he's not a friend of yours--by some dire fatality always
+plays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha!  True, I assure you, so that if you
+had not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them and
+gone off to Bath."
+
+Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving me
+ample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld.  She
+was most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which for
+symmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself to
+match it.
+
+My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunate
+Harry Lorrequer.  There was no time, however, for indulgence in such very
+pardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," to
+profess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, but
+slyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should never
+be able to discover that I was not in earnest."  We chatted then gaily for
+upwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage was
+announced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiled
+benignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off.
+
+As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visible
+horizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfied
+air, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny's
+estimation.
+
+"Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he,
+alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded the
+corner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more.  "I say Harry,
+my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?"
+
+"What! the kiss of the hand?  Yes, faith, but I do."
+
+"Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up that
+instant.  She and I--we understand each other--never mind, don't be
+cross--no fault of yours, you know."
+
+"Ah, so she is taken with you," said I.  "Eh, Charley?"
+
+"Why, I believe that.  I may confess to you the real state of matters.
+She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together.
+We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I played
+Mirabel to her, it finished the affair.  She was quite nervous, and could
+scarcely go through with her part.  I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorry
+for it; she's a prodigiously fine girl--such lips and such teeth!  Egad
+I was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obliged
+to take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it must
+end; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat,
+and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by her
+feelings; you understand me?"
+
+"Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed."
+
+If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by the
+recently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friend
+Curzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the liberty
+of wringing his neck off.  However, the affair was much better as it
+stood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had no
+fears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very pretty
+episode for the mess.
+
+"So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," I
+said, endeavouring to draw him out.
+
+"Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not.  The girl is very pretty.  The
+place is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time."
+
+"Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon.  You have ever your
+share of what floating luck the world affords."
+
+"It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain to
+you--"
+
+"Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted."  So saying I
+turned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in his
+fancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself.
+
+After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre,
+where numerous preparations for the night were going forward.  The
+green-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which the
+audience had been invited.  The dressing-rooms were many of them filled
+with the viands destined for the entertainment.  Where, among the wooden
+fowls and "impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pasties
+and flasks of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder.
+The confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, was
+ten-fold increased by the circumstances of our projected supper.  Cooks
+and scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricably
+mingled; and as in all similar cases, the least important functionaries
+took the greatest airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitation
+whatever came to their hands--thus the cook would not have scrupled to
+light a fire with the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actually
+caught one of the "gens de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brass
+helmet I had once worn when astonishing the world as Coriolanus.
+
+Six o'clock struck.  In another short hour and we begin, thought I, with
+a sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hosts
+of fellows that had nothing to do there.  Figaro himself never wished for
+ubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating,
+cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns.  To mend
+the matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune their
+instruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to be
+heard by the person beside me.
+
+As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in the
+curtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, that
+the house was nearly filled--the lower tier of boxes entirely so.  There
+were a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with their
+chaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; in
+fact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not at
+least some member of it present.  As the orchestra struck up the overture
+to Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangements
+behind.
+
+Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a little
+one-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself--the principal
+characters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer."
+
+The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if it
+were, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is my
+recollection of it with the distressing incident which followed.
+
+In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belle
+Fanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden,
+surrounded with statues, fountains, &c. At the back is seen a pavillion
+in the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang the
+branches of some large and shady trees--she comes forward, expressing her
+impatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herself
+to account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a very
+sufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details of
+her private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her own
+amiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashion
+of other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to her
+feelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from the
+orchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, she
+waits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody--
+
+          "Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?"
+
+in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, to
+account for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanation
+in a very satisfactory manner,--meanwhile, for I must not expose my
+reader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny here
+laboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to her
+presence, and clasping her to my heart--that is to say, I had already
+gummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair of
+eyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half  Whiskerando,
+half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress of
+circumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to afford
+me the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, her
+solicitude about me--in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two were
+filled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and from
+absolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myself
+unseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to--here,
+however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not to
+appear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanish
+costume, "every inch a Hidalgo."  Meantime, Fanny had been singing--
+
+"Oh why is he far," &c. &c.
+
+At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why,
+why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behind
+startles her--she turns and beholds her guardian--so at least run the
+course of events in the real drama--that it should follow thus now
+however, "Dus aliter visum"--for just as she came to the very moving
+apostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"--a gruff voice
+from behind answered in a strong Cork brogue--"ah! would ye have him come
+in a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through the
+house, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, Harry
+Lorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, my
+only habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silk
+stockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar.
+The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar of
+inextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishment
+gave way, shook the entire building--my recollection may well have been
+confused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearly
+remember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chair
+nearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter.  I cannot go on; what I
+did I know not.  I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a new
+eclat de rire followed me out.  I rushed out of the theatre, and wrapping
+only my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks.  But I must
+cease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so let
+me close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieu
+for a season.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIb.
+
+[Note: There are two Chapter XVIs.  In the table of contents, this one
+has an asterisk but no explanation.]
+
+THE WAGER.
+
+It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my last
+chapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morning
+before I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if to
+assure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusual
+earnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said--
+
+"Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?"
+
+So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I really
+felt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of the
+scene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which,
+and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued--
+
+"Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and tried
+friend?"
+
+"Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out.  "If you are in a
+scrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fair
+to let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile."
+
+"In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat the
+whole Minerva press in its romantic cadence.
+
+"Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellow
+you've got the row with?  Not one of ours, I trust?"
+
+"Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before--"How your
+imagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres,"
+(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of the
+regiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement of
+a challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting."
+
+As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition to
+continue, I merely added--
+
+"Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, on
+our way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for the
+Mediterranean."
+
+The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from his
+lethargy, and he added--
+
+"If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all my
+future hopes are concerned upon the issue--"
+
+"Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it?  and is it old Watson has
+issued the writ?  I'll bet a hundred."
+
+"Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, and
+speaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, without
+exception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met.  What
+have I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or a
+law-suit upon my hands this morning?  Learn, once and for all, man, that
+I am in love--desperately and over head and ears in love."
+
+"Et puis," said I coolly.
+
+"And intend to marry immediately."
+
+"Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that's
+all.  But to return--now for the lady."
+
+"Come, you must make a guess."
+
+"Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentions
+have been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrival
+here, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whist
+last evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whose
+macaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they are
+constant."
+
+"Come, no more quizzing, Hal.  You surely must have remarked that lovely
+girl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last."
+
+"Lovely girl!  Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small woman
+with the tow wig?"
+
+"No, I do not mean any such thing--but a beautiful creature, with the
+brightest locks in Christendom--the very light-brown waving ringlets,
+Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot--did you see her foot?"
+
+"No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up and
+down, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond."
+
+"Stop there.  I shall not permit this any longer--I came not here to
+listen to--"
+
+"But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?"
+
+"Yes, sir, I am angry."
+
+"Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?"
+
+"And why not, pray?"
+
+"Oh! I don't exactly know--that is, faith I scarcely thought you were in
+earnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to you
+that the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons I
+ever met."
+
+"You think so really, Hal?"
+
+"Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in fact
+universally admired."
+
+"Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper.  I ought to have known you better
+--give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding and
+abetting she is mine to-morrow morning."
+
+I wrung his hand heartily--congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happily
+I had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived that
+Curzon was bona fide in earnest.
+
+"So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he.
+
+"Of course.  Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service.
+Any thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating as
+brides-maid, and I am your man.  And if you are in want of such a
+functionary, I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give her
+away with as much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as many
+marriageable daughters as king Priam himself.  It is with me in marriage
+as in duelling--I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I have
+long since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtaining
+satisfaction.'"
+
+"Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers.  You've been
+rather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return:  Your office, on this
+occasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could only
+confide to one as much my friend as yourself.  You must carry my dearest
+Louisa off."
+
+"Carry her off!  Where?--when?--how?"
+
+"All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear."
+
+"Yes.  But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away with
+the lady, you don't accompany her yourself."
+
+"Ah!  I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask that
+question, for it is just that very explanation will show all the native
+delicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tell
+you, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confounded
+prejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage with
+a red-coat--so that, his consent being out of the question, our only
+resource is an elopement.  Louisa consents to this, but only upon one
+condition--and this she insists upon so firmly--I had almost said
+obstinately--that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations,
+and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have at
+length yielded, and she is to have her own way."
+
+"Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?"
+
+"Simply this--that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtain
+my right to do so, by making her my wife.  She has got some trumpery
+notions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds of
+delicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by the
+husband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not to
+sacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present."
+
+"All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what I
+confess appears somewhat strange to me at present.  How does so very
+delicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfect
+stranger under such circumstances?"
+
+"That I can explain perfectly to you.  You must know that when my darling
+Loo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with the
+greatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I at
+once showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confide
+her to at such a moment, and what was to be done?  She immediately
+replied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretion
+will put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderous
+tongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing to
+trust myself.'  You see I was hard pushed there.  What could I do?--whom
+could I select?  Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones is
+five-and-forty--but egad!  I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed at
+the end of the stage.  You were my only hope; I knew I could rely upon
+you.  You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; and
+as to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a little
+assistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have always
+represented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawn
+of an autumnal morning--with maiden bashfulness assisting--the scrutiny
+is not likely to be a close one.  So, now, your consent is alone wanting
+to complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shall
+have made me the happiest of mortals."
+
+Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for the
+delicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to the
+Lady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shorten
+for my reader's sake, by the following brief expose.
+
+A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in the
+morning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve miles
+distant.  There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who was
+subsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an old
+college friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom the
+treaty was to be concluded.
+
+This was all simple and clear enough--the only condition necessary to
+insure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part.  As to
+mine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend's
+behalf.
+
+"There is only one thing more," said Curzon.  "Louisa's younger brother
+is a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well,
+just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by any
+chance, he should make out what was going forward--not but that you know
+if any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to take
+all that upon my hands."
+
+"Oh! of course--I understand," said I.  Meanwhile I could not help
+running over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventure
+presented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bans
+or any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend's
+bones.  The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accurate
+directions as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of the
+lady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume and
+appearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon to
+obtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of the
+regiment.
+
+When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not without
+evidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feel
+who have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wots
+not of.  Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once have
+struck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step,
+no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly and
+equivocal jokes and ambiguous jests.  Happily, however, on the present
+occasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him--being most
+profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and matters
+medical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterises
+such discussions among the non-medical public.
+
+The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeon
+Fitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attend
+on the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and which
+necessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour.  While he
+continued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerly
+sought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken in
+upon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth on
+the occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth,
+had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one's
+memory.  Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz.
+himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; others
+hinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald
+--a well-known virago in the regiment--while Fitz. enjoyed himself; and
+a third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested that
+a hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered for
+such services as his on so grave an occasion.
+
+"No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely.
+
+"Fifty!  Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'll
+make fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" cried
+one.
+
+"I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance,
+reason to suppose his fee would be a large one.
+
+During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely;
+and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken my
+share of it as a preparation.  I thought of the amazing prize I was about
+to be instrumental in securing for my friend--for the lady had really
+thirty thousand pounds--and I could not conceal my triumph at such a
+prospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition.
+They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald.  I struggled with my secret for
+some time--but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, and
+I called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrow
+morning, I'll make a better hit of it than you--and the mess shall decide
+between us afterwards as to the winner."
+
+"And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to take
+the wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment be
+pronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser."
+
+This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so many
+parties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there could
+be no possibility of evading it.  My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald,
+fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in the
+least comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in the
+adjutant's note-book--his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantity
+of wine he had seen me drink during the evening.  As for myself, the bet
+was no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance I
+had of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in the
+department allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted what
+peculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of the
+doctor.  For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which I
+conjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke than
+the equity of the transaction.  The party at mess soon after separated,
+and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him as
+a bride-groom.
+
+I arranged every thing in order for my start.  My pistol-case I placed
+conspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste of
+departure; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in the
+guard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myself
+on my bed, but not to sleep.  The adventure I was about to engage in
+suggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of the
+scenes I have already narrated entered.  I thought how frequently I had
+myself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, and
+how it always happened that when nearest to success, failure had
+intervened.  From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the same
+unfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be something
+very like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts at
+marriage.  I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself in
+very unfortunate hands--if augury were to be relied upon.  Something will
+surely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will be
+blown up.  Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep for
+about three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by my
+servant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end of
+the barrack lane.
+
+"Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber?  It's only four o'clock."
+
+"Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, and
+they must go it almost at a walk."
+
+That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can't
+help it.
+
+In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed by
+the addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and a
+deep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, could
+not recognise me.  I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, with
+my pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded to
+the barrack-gate.
+
+As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light--the sash was
+quickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared.
+
+"Is that you, Harry?"
+
+"Yes--when do you start?"
+
+"In about two hours.  I've only eight miles to go--you have upwards of
+twelve, and no time to lose.  God bless you, my boy--we'll meet soon."
+
+"Here's the carriage, sir; this way."
+
+"Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?"
+
+"Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it for
+doctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them."
+
+I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given,
+and away we went.
+
+Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupied
+with the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now,
+so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all the
+bearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than I
+had yet bestowed upon it.  One thing was certain, whether success did or
+did not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and if
+by any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stood
+a very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to death
+by the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating his
+breakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in his
+fourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minor
+miseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up their
+heads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked rather
+blue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzon
+might be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I had
+succeeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence.
+Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all these
+very awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and after
+all, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such a
+transaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it at
+the Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect his
+prospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many a
+man so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutant
+to settle the affair with the family.  For two mortal hours did I conjure
+up every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise.  My being
+mulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, even
+were I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother.
+Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to the
+darkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country about
+me, and knew nothing of where I was.
+
+Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one sets
+you to sleep--not a very comfortable sleep mayhap--but still it is sleep,
+and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me.  I had pondered
+over, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windings
+of this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that I
+was on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having established
+that fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in the
+chaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber.
+
+If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondent
+view of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable ill
+luck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself on
+the fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain,
+besides--but why explain?  These are my confessions.  I may not alter
+what are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all the
+imperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, or
+abandon me at once.
+
+Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pace
+faster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after I
+had fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of an
+angle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke.  I started up
+and rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where I
+was or whither going.  Consciousness at last came, and I perceived that
+we were driving up a thickly planted avenue.  Why, confound it, they
+can't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to the
+house, instead of waiting at the lodge?  I at once lowered the sash, and
+stretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads;
+is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the gravel
+and the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I was
+addressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, and
+breaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew up
+with a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spacious
+cut-stone mansion.  When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearly
+thrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis a
+vis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elope
+with, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretches
+who drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, my
+fate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line of
+acting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servant
+in a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into the
+chaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctor
+darlin', but ye're welcome."  With the speed with which sometimes the bar
+of an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar fact
+can call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vivid
+before us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of my
+present position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into the
+chaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that moment
+before the hall-door of the patient.  My first impulse was an honest one,
+to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle with
+Curzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimely
+fate of all those I had ever been concerned in.  My next thought, how
+seldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best," was
+upon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should follow
+me in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could only
+pass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate the
+territory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone on
+my errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safe
+from interruption.  Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what his
+interference in poor Curzon's business might not involve.  These serious
+reflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as the
+grave-looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloak
+and my pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lord
+grant ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say he
+is better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayer
+of the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descended
+leisurely, as I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, and
+with a solemn pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house.
+
+In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhat
+advanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres.  One
+of these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, and
+retreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour.  The
+other, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-looking
+subject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like an
+alderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more of
+the bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius.  A moment's
+glance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe,
+for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner,
+half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with the
+higher orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, and
+grumble.
+
+"Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice?  Dr.
+Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, though
+they call me doctor."
+
+"Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner," said he, waving
+his hand towards his rubicund confrere.
+
+I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet such
+highly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every moment
+the arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame and
+disgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some history
+of the case we were concerned for.  They accordingly proceeded to expound
+in a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman who
+had the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured under
+some swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of,
+and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God bless
+the mark!) was requested.
+
+As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, I
+pleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason for
+at once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by my
+two brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber.  In a large easy
+chair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain and
+habitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression.
+
+"This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," said
+my tall coadjutor.
+
+"Oh! then very well; good morning, sir.  I suppose you will find out
+something new the matter, for them two there have been doing so every
+day this two months."
+
+"I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of my
+learned friends, much may be done for you.  Ha! hem! So this is the
+malady.  Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groan
+escaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impression
+upon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as I
+remembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so I
+thought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do a
+bold thing also.  "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing and
+affectionate tone of voice.  "Like the devil," growled the patient.  "And
+here?" said I.  "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer."  "Oh!  I perceive,"
+said I, "the thing is just as I expected."  Here I raised my eyebrows,
+and looked indescribably wise at my confreres.
+
+"No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one.
+
+"Certainly not."
+
+"Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumour
+after all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical,
+which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosy
+friend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, and
+resumed, "this must not be touched."
+
+"So you won't operate upon it," said the patient.
+
+"I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied.  "Now if you
+please gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if to
+withdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs to
+the breakfast-room.  As it was the only time in my life I had performed
+in this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging a
+very hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional to
+eat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by the
+entire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham,
+rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupations
+by sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance of
+recovery.
+
+"Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from his
+labours, "what are we to do?"
+
+"Ay," said the other, "there's the question."
+
+"Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better."  Now, this
+was a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not know
+what treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing to
+guess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it.
+
+"So you think that will be best."
+
+"I am certain--I know nothing better," I answered.
+
+"Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the very
+candid manner you have treated us.  Sir, I'm your most obedient servant,"
+said the fat one.
+
+"Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:"  here
+I swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there were
+worse things than the practice of physic.
+
+"I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door.
+
+"Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it."
+
+"Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?"
+said the rosy one.
+
+"I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion he
+may not desire it."
+
+"I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with a
+half sigh, as he put a check into my hand.
+
+I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless air
+into my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species of
+happiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off;
+never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, and
+felt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish an
+hour.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVII.
+
+THE ELOPEMENT.
+
+It was past two o'clock when I reached the town.  On entering the
+barrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together,
+and every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter.  I went over,
+and immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: No
+sooner had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance,
+on a professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their heads
+together, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. who was the very
+dragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the whole
+history of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absenting
+himself on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfy
+herself of the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in the
+morning, and detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiable
+friends being to give poor Mrs. Fitz. a twenty miles' jaunt, and confront
+her with her injured husband at the end of it.
+
+Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthy
+woman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaise
+and four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track of
+it, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to the
+knife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her.
+
+So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw her
+depart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their whole
+notions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement that
+must ensue at the end.  Little, however, were they aware how much more
+nearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turn
+out; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without any
+inquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awoke
+from a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by the
+postillion, who whispered in his ear--"here we are sir; this is the
+gate."
+
+"But why stop at the gate?  Drive up the avenue, my boy."
+
+"His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge;
+nor to make as much noise as a mouse."
+
+"Ah! very true.  He may be very irritable, poor man!  Well stop here, and
+I'll get out."
+
+Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrette
+tripped up, and said to him--
+
+"Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?"
+
+"Yes, my dear," said Fitz., with a knowing look at the pretty face of the
+damsel, "what can I do for you?"
+
+"Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous,
+and so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it."
+
+"Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she?  Oh! she must keep up her
+spirits, while there's life there's hope."
+
+"Sir."
+
+"I say, my darling, she must not give way.  I'll speak to her a little.
+Is not he rather advanced in life?"
+
+"Oh, Lord! no sir.  Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?"
+
+"Two-and-thirty!  Why I thought he was above sixty."
+
+"Above sixty!  Law! sir.  You have a bright fancy.  This is the
+gentleman, ma'am.  Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and let
+you talk to her."
+
+"I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make your
+acquaintance under happier circumstances."
+
+"I must confess, sir--though I am ashamed"--
+
+"Never be ashamed, ma'am.  Your grief, although, I trust causeless, does
+you infinite honor."
+
+"Upon my soul she is rather pretty," said the doctor to himself here.
+
+"Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I have
+heard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that any
+longer delay here is dangerous."
+
+"Dangerous!  Is he in so critical a state as that then?"
+
+"Critical a state, sir!  Why what do you mean?"
+
+"I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?"
+
+"Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without your
+assuring me of it."
+
+"Oh! in that case make your mind easy.  I have the instruments in the
+chaise."
+
+"The instruments in the chaise!  Really, sir, if you are not jesting--I
+trust you don't think this is a fitting time for such--I entreat of you
+to speak more plainly and intelligibly."
+
+"Jesting, ma'am!  I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment."
+
+"Ma'am! ma'am!  I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don't
+lose a moment, but get into the chaise at once."
+
+"Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract."
+
+"Help my mistress into the chaise, sir.  Lord! what a man it is."
+
+A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while the
+postillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flew
+beneath them.  Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabled
+Mrs. Fitz.'s slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and her
+chaise had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of a
+muslin dress stepping into the carriage with her husband.
+
+There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelings
+that agitated Mrs. Fitz. at this moment.  The fullest confirmation to her
+worst fears was before her eyes--just at the very instant when a doubt
+was beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely a
+hoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocent
+and blameless.  As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed little
+chance of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for from
+the moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she had
+buried her face in her hands, and sobbed continually.  Meanwhile he
+concluded that they were approaching the house by some back entrance, to
+avoid noise and confusion, and waited, with due patience, for the
+journey's end.
+
+As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. at length began to think
+of the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in his
+professional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech on
+the score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping lady
+beside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. came up along-side, and the
+postillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up,
+displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned.
+
+"So, wretch," she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you at
+last."
+
+"Lord bless me!  Why it is my wife."
+
+"Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife!  And you, madam, may I
+ask what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?"
+
+"Shame!  My dear Jemima," said Fitz.  "how can you possibly permit your
+foolish jealousy so far to blind your reason.  Don't you see I am going
+upon a professional call?"
+
+"Oh! you are.  Are you?  Quite professional, I'll be bound."
+
+"Oh, sir!  Oh, madam!  I beseech you, save me from the anger of my
+relatives, and the disgrace of exposure.  Pray bring me back at once."
+
+"Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean?  You are not gone mad, as well as
+my wife."
+
+"Really, Mr. Fitz." said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far.
+Take your unfortunate victim--as I suppose she is such--home to her
+parents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be law
+and justice in--"
+
+"Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will both
+drive me clean mad."
+
+"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgerald
+continued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimers
+and protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair,
+by the poor doctor.  Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in a
+fustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in a
+tax-cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of the
+doctor's chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely in
+his own conveyance, merely adding--
+
+"I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took the
+lower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow the
+roof off your scull, that's all."
+
+While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz.
+Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband,
+perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still some
+unexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on the
+road homeward.
+
+Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F.'s dissertation, nothing is
+known.  The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night at
+Kilkenny, and Fitz. was installed safely in his quarters before any one
+knew of his having come back.  The following morning he was reported ill;
+and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at his
+window, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale,
+and rather dark under one eye.
+
+As for Curzon--the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was his
+hiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to Dublin,
+and hastened on to England.  In a few days we learned that the adjutant
+had exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there are not
+three men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning's
+misadventures.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Vol. 3
+
+[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]
+
+
+Dublin
+
+MDCCCXXXIX.
+
+
+
+Volume 3. (Chapter XVIII-XXIII)
+
+
+
+Contents:
+
+CHAPTER XVIII
+Detachment Duty--An Assize Town
+
+CHAPTER XIX
+The Assize Town
+
+CHAPTER XX
+A Day in Dublin
+
+CHAPTER XXI
+A Night at Howth
+
+CHAPTER XXII
+The Journey
+
+CHAPTER XXIII
+Calais
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XVIII.
+
+DETACHMENT DUTY--AN ASSIZE TOWN.
+
+As there appeared to be but little prospect of poor Fitzgerald ever
+requiring any explanation from me as to the events of that morning, for
+he feared to venture from his room, lest he might be recognised and
+prosecuted for abduction, I thought it better to keep my own secret also;
+and it was therefore with a feeling of any thing but regret, that I
+received an order which, under other circumstances, would have rendered
+me miserable--to march on detachment duty.  To any one at all conversant
+with the life we lead in the army, I need not say how unpleasant such a
+change usually is.  To surrender your capital mess, with all its
+well-appointed equipments--your jovial brother officers--hourly
+flirtations with the whole female population--never a deficient one in a
+garrison town--not to speak of your matches at trotting, coursing, and
+pigeon-shooting, and a hundred other delectable modes of getting over
+the ground through life, till it please your ungrateful country and the
+Horse Guards to make you a major-general--to surrender all these, I say,
+for the noise, dust, and damp disagreeables of a country inn, with bacon
+to eat, whiskey to drink, and the priest, or the constabulary chief, to
+get drunk with--I speak of Ireland here--and your only affair, par
+amours, being the occasional ogling of the apothecary's daughter
+opposite, as often as she visits the shop, in the soi disant occupation
+of measuring out garden seeds and senna.  These are indeed, the
+exchanges with a difference, for which there is no compensation; and,
+for my own part, I never went upon such duty, that I did not exclaim
+with the honest Irishman, when the mail went over him, "Oh, Lord! what
+is this for?"--firmly believing that in the earthly purgatory of such
+duties, I was reaping the heavy retribution attendant on past offences.
+
+Besides, from being rather a crack man in my corps, I thought it somewhat
+hard that my turn for such duty should come round about twice as often as
+that of my brother officers; but so it is--I never knew a fellow a little
+smarter than his neighbours, that was not pounced upon by his colonel for
+a victim.  Now, however, I looked at these matters in a very different
+light.  To leave head-quarters was to escape being questioned; while
+there was scarcely any post to which I could be sent, where something
+strange or adventurous might not turn up, and serve me to erase the
+memory of the past, and turn the attention of my companions in any
+quarter rather than towards myself.
+
+My orders on the present occasion were to march to Clonmel; from whence I
+was to proceed a short distance to the house of a magistrate, upon whose
+information, transmitted to the Chief Secretary, the present assistance
+of a military party had been obtained; and not without every appearance
+of reason.  The assizes of the town were about to be held, and many
+capital offences stood for trial in the calendar; and as it was strongly
+rumoured that, in the event of certain convictions being obtained, a
+rescue would be attempted, a general attack upon the town seemed a too
+natural consequence; and if so, the house of so obnoxious a person as him
+I have alluded to, would be equally certain of being assailed.  Such, at
+least, is too  frequently the history of such scenes, beginning with no
+one definite object: sometimes a slight one--more ample views and wider
+conceptions of mischief follow; and what has begun in a drunken riot--a
+casual rencontre--may terminate in the slaughter of a family, or the
+burning of a village.  The finest peasantry--God bless them--are a vif
+people, and quicker at taking a hint than most others, and have, withal,
+a natural taste for fighting, that no acquired habits of other nations
+can pretend to vie with.
+
+As the worthy person to whose house I was now about to proceed was, and
+if I am rightly informed is, rather a remarkable character in the local
+history of Irish politics, I may as well say a few words concerning him.
+Mr. Joseph Larkins, Esq.--(for so he signed himself)--had only been
+lately elevated to the bench of magistrates.  He was originally one of
+that large but intelligent class called in Ireland "small farmers;"
+remarkable chiefly for a considerable tact in driving hard bargains--a
+great skill in wethers--a rather national dislike to pay all species of
+imposts, whether partaking of the nature of tax, tithe, grand jury cess,
+or any thing of that nature whatsoever.  So very accountable--I had
+almost said, (for I have been long quartered in Ireland,) so very
+laudable a propensity, excited but little of surprise or astonishment
+in his neighbours, the majority of whom entertained very similar views
+--none, however, possessing any thing like the able and lawyer-like
+ability of the worthy Larkins, for the successful evasion of these
+inroads upon the liberty of the subject.  Such, in fact, was his talent,
+and so great his success in this respect, that he had established what,
+if it did not actually amount to a statute of exemption in law, served
+equally well in reality; and for several years he enjoyed a perfect
+immunity on the subject of money-paying in general.  His "little
+houldin'," as he unostentatiously called some five hundred acres of bog,
+mountain, and sheep-walk, lay in a remote part of the county, the roads
+were nearly impassable for several miles in that direction, land was of
+little value; the agent was a timid man, with a large family; of three
+tithe-proctors who had penetrated into the forbidden territory, two
+laboured under a dyspepsia for life, not being able to digest parchment
+and sealing-wax, for they usually dined on their own writs; and the
+third gave five pounds out of his pocket, to a large, fresh-looking man,
+with brown whiskers and beard, that concealed him two nights in a
+hay-loft, to escape the vengeance of the people, which act of
+philanthropy should never be forgotten, if some ill-natured people were
+not bold enough to say the kind individual in question was no other man
+than--
+
+However this may be, true it is that this was the last attempt made to
+bring within the responsibilities of the law so refractory a subject; and
+so powerful is habit, that although he was to be met with at every market
+and cattle-fair in the county, an arrest of his person was no more
+contemplated than if he enjoyed the privilege of parliament to go at
+large without danger.
+
+When the country became disturbed, and nightly meetings of the peasantry
+were constantly held, followed by outrages against life and property to
+the most frightful extent, the usual resources of the law were employed
+unavailingly.  It was in vain to offer high rewards.  Approvers could not
+be found; and so perfectly organized were the secret associations, that
+few beyond the very ringleaders knew any thing of consequence to
+communicate.  Special commissions were sent down from Dublin; additional
+police force, detachments of military; long correspondences took place
+between the magistracy and the government--but all in vain.  The
+disturbances continued; and at last to such a height had they risen, that
+the country was put under martial law; and even this was ultimately found
+perfectly insufficient to repel what now daily threatened to become an
+open rebellion rather than mere agrarian disturbance.  It was at this
+precise moment, when all resources seemed to be fast exhausting
+themselves, that certain information reached the Castle, of the most
+important nature.  The individual who obtained and transmitted it, had
+perilled his life in so doing--but the result was a great one--no less
+than the capital conviction and execution of seven of the most
+influential amongst the disaffected peasantry.  Confidence was at once
+shaken in the secrecy of their associates; distrust and suspicion
+followed.  Many of the boldest sunk beneath the fear of betrayal, and
+themselves, became evidence for the crown; and in five months, a county
+shaken with midnight meetings, and blazing with insurrectionary fires,
+became almost the most tranquil in its province.  It may well be
+believed, that he who rendered this important service on this trying
+emergency, could not be passed over, and the name of J. Larkins soon
+after appeared in the Gazette as one of his Majesty's justices of the
+peace for the county; pretty much in the same spirit in which a country
+gentleman converts the greatest poacher in his neighbourhood by making
+him, his gamekeeper.
+
+In person he was a large and powerfully built man, considerably above six
+feet in height, and possessing great activity, combined with powers of
+enduring fatigue almost incredible.  With an eye like a hawk, and a heart
+that never knew fear, he was the person, of all others, calculated to
+strike terror into the minds of the country people.  The reckless daring
+with which he threw himself into danger--the almost impetuous quickness
+with which he followed up a scent, whenever information reached him of an
+important character--had their full effect upon a people who, long
+accustomed to the slowness and the uncertainty of the law were almost
+paralyzed at beholding detection and punishment follow on crime, as
+certainly as the thunder-crash follows the lightning.
+
+His great instrument for this purpose was the obtaining information from
+sworn members of the secret societies, and whose names never appeared in
+the course of a trial or a prosecution, until the measure of their
+iniquity was completed, when they usually received a couple of hundred
+pounds, blood-money, as it was called, with which they took themselves
+away to America or Australia--their lives being only secured while they
+remained, by the shelter afforded them in the magistrate's own house.
+And so it happened that, constantly there numbered from ten to twelve of
+these wretches, inmates of his family, each of whom had the burden of
+participation in one murder at least, waiting for an opportunity to leave
+the country, unnoticed and unwatched.
+
+Such a frightful and unnatural state of things, can hardly be conceived;
+and yet, shocking as it was, it was a relief to that which led to it.  I
+have dwelt, perhaps too long upon this painful subject; but let my reader
+now accompany me a little farther, and the scene shall be changed.  Does
+he see that long, low, white house, with a tall, steep roof, perforated
+with innumerable narrow windows.  There are a few straggling beech trees,
+upon a low, bleak-looking field before the house, which is called, par
+excellence, the lawn; a pig or two, some geese, and a tethered goat are,
+here and there musing over the state of Ireland, while some rosy
+curly-headed noisy and bare-legged urchins are gamboling before the
+door.  This is the dwelling of the worshipful justice, to which myself
+and my party were now approaching, with that degree of activity which
+attends on most marches of twenty miles, under the oppressive closeness
+of a day in autumn.  Fatigued and tired as I was, yet I could not enter
+the little enclosure before the house, without stopping for a moment to
+admire the view before me.  A large tract of rich country, undulating on
+every side, and teeming with corn fields, in all the yellow gold of
+ripeness; here and there, almost hid by small clumps of ash and alder,
+were scattered some cottages, from which the blue smoke rose in a
+curling column into the calm evening's sky.  All was graceful, and
+beautifully tranquil; and you might have selected the picture as
+emblematic of that happiness and repose we so constantly associate with
+our ideas of the country; and yet, before that sun had even set, which
+now gilded the landscape, its glories would be replaced by the lurid
+glare of nightly incendiarism, and--but here, fortunately for my reader,
+and perhaps myself, I am interrupted in my meditations by a rich,
+mellifluous accent saying, in the true Doric of the south--
+
+"Mr. Loorequer! you're welcome to Curryglass, sir.  You've had a hot day
+for your march.  Maybe you'd take a taste of sherry before dinner?  Well
+then, we'll not wait for Molowny, but order it up at once."
+
+So saying, I was ushered into a long, low drawing-room, in which were
+collected together about a dozen men, to whom I was specially and
+severally presented, and among whom I was happy to find my boarding-house
+acquaintance, Mr. Daly, who, with the others, had arrived that same day,
+for the assizes, and who were all members of the legal profession, either
+barristers, attorneys, or clerks of the peace.
+
+The hungry aspect of the convives, no less than the speed with which
+dinner made its appearance after my arrival, showed me that my coming was
+only waited for to complete the party--the Mr. Molowny before alluded to,
+being unanimously voted present.  The meal itself had but slight
+pretensions to elegance; there were neither vol au vents, nor croquettes;
+neither were there poulets aux truffes, nor cotelletes a la soubise but
+in their place stood a lordly fish of some five-and-twenty pounds weight,
+a massive sirloin, with all the usual armament of fowls, ham, pigeon-pie,
+beef-steak, &c. lying in rather a promiscuous order along either side of
+the table.  The party were evidently disposed to be satisfied, and I
+acknowledge, I did not prove an exception to the learned individuals
+about me, either in my relish for the good things, or my appetite to
+enjoy them.  Dulce est desipere in loco, says some one, by which I
+suppose is meant, that a rather slang company is occasionally good fun.
+Whether from my taste for the "humanities" or not, I am unable to say,
+but certainly in my then humour, I should not have exchanged my position
+for one of much greater pretensions to elegance and ton.  There was first
+a general onslaught upon the viands, crashing of plates, jingling of
+knives, mingling with requests for "more beef," "the hard side of the
+salmon," or "another slice of ham."  Then came a dropping fire of
+drinking wine, which quickly increased, the decanters of sherry for about
+ten minutes resting upon the table, about as long as Taglioni touches
+this mortal earth in one of her flying ballets.  Acquaintances were
+quickly formed between the members of the bar and myself, and I found
+that my momentary popularity was likely to terminate in my downfall; for,
+as each introduction was followed by a bumper of strong sherry, I did not
+expect to last till the end of the feast.  The cloth at length
+disappeared, and I was just thanking Providence for the respite from
+hob-nobbing which I imagined was to follow, when a huge, square decanter
+of whiskey appeared, flanked by an enormous jug of boiling water, and
+renewed preparations for drinking upon a large scale seriously
+commenced. It was just at this moment that I, for the first time,
+perceived the rather remarkable figure who had waited upon us at dinner,
+and who, while I chronicle so many things of little import, deserves a
+slight mention. He was a little old man of about fifty-five or sixty
+years, wearing upon his head a barrister's wig, and habited in clothes
+which originally had been the costume of a very large and bulky person,
+and which, consequently, added much to the drollery of his appearance.
+He had been, for forty years, the servant of Judge Vandeleur, and had
+entered his present service rather in the light of a preceptor than a
+menial, invariably dictating to the worthy justice upon every occasion
+of etiquette or propriety, by a reference to what "the judge himself"
+did, which always sufficed to carry the day in Nicholas's favour,
+opposition to so correct a standard, never being thought of by the
+justice.
+
+"That's Billy Crow's own whiskey, the 'small still,'" said Nicholas,
+placing the decanter upon the table, "make much of it, for there isn't
+such dew in the county."
+
+With this commendation upon the liquor, Nicholas departed, and we
+proceeded to fill our glasses.
+
+I cannot venture--perhaps it is so much the better that I cannot--to give
+any idea of the conversation which at once broke out, as if the barriers
+that restrained it had at length given way.  But law talk in all its
+plenitude, followed; and for two hours I heard of nothing but writs,
+detainers, declarations, traverses in prox, and alibis, with sundry hints
+for qui tam processes, interspersed, occasionally, with sly jokes about
+packing juries and confusing witnesses, among which figured the usual
+number of good things attributed to the Chief Baron O'Grady and the other
+sayers of smart sayings at the bar.
+
+"Ah!" said Mr. Daly, drawing a deep sigh at the same instant--"the bar is
+sadly fallen off since I was called in the year seventy-six.  There was
+not a leader in one of the circuits at that time that couldn't puzzle
+any jury that ever sat in a box; and as for driving through an act of
+parliament, it was, as Sancho Panza says, cakes and gingerbread to them.
+And then, there is one especial talent lost for ever to the present
+generation--just like stained glass and illuminated manuscripts, and slow
+poisons and the like--that were all known years ago--I mean the beautiful
+art of addressing the judge before the jury, and not letting them know
+you were quizzing them, if ye liked to do that same.  Poor Peter Purcell
+for that--rest his ashes--he could cheat the devil himself, if he had
+need--and maybe he has had before now, Peter is sixteen years dead last
+November."
+
+"And what was Peter's peculiar tact in that respect, Mr. Daly?" said I.
+
+"Oh, then I might try for hours to explain it to you in vain; but
+I'll just give you an instance that'll show you better than all my
+dissertations on the subject, and I was present myself when it happened,
+more by token, it was the first time I ever met him on circuit;--"
+
+"I suppose there is scarcely any one here now, except myself, that
+remembers the great cause of Mills versus Mulcahy, a widow and others,
+that was tried in Ennis, in the year '82.  It's no matter if there is
+not.  Perhaps it may be more agreeable for me, for I can tell my story my
+own version, and not be interrupted.  Well, that was called the old
+record, for they tried it seventeen times.  I believe, on my conscience,
+it killed old Jones, who was in the Common Pleas; he used to say, if he
+put it for trial on the day of judgment, one of the parties would be sure
+to lodge an appeal.  Be that as it may, the Millses engaged Peter
+special, and brought him down with a great retainer, in a chaise and
+four, flags flying, and favors in the postillions' hats, and a fiddler on
+the roof playing the 'hare in the corn.'  The inn was illuminated the
+same evening, and Peter made a speech from the windows upon the liberty
+of the press and religious freedom all over the globe, and there wasn't a
+man in the mob didn't cheer him, which was the more civil, because few of
+them knew a word of English, and the others thought he was a play-actor.
+But it all went off well, nevertheless, for Peter was a clever fellow;
+and although he liked money well, he liked popularity more, and he never
+went any where special that he hadn't a public meeting of some kind or
+other, either to abolish rents, or suppress parsons, or some such popular
+and beneficial scheme, which always made him a great favourite with the
+people, and got him plenty of clients.  But I am wandering from the
+record.  Purcell came down, as I said before, special for Mills; and when
+he looked over his brief, and thought of the case, he determined to have
+it tried by a gentlemen jury, for although he was a great man with the
+mob, he liked the country gentlemen better in the jury box, for he was
+always coming out with quotations from the classics, which, whether the
+grand jury understood or not, they always applauded very much.  Well,
+when he came into court that morning, you may guess his surprise and
+mortification to find that the same jury that had tried a common
+ejectment case, were still in the box, and waiting, by the chief
+justice's direction, to try Mills versus Mulcahy, the great case of the
+assizes.
+
+"I hear they were a set of common clod-hopping wretches, with frize coats
+and brogues, that no man could get round at all, for they were as cunning
+as foxes, and could tell blarney from good sense, rather better than
+people with better coats on them.
+
+"Now, the moment that Mr. Purcell came into the court, after bowing
+politely to the judge, he looked up to the box, and when he saw the dirty
+faces of the dealers in pork and potatoes, and the unshaven chins of the
+small farmers, his heart fell within him, and he knew in a minute how
+little they'd care for the classics--if he quoted Caesar's Commentaries
+itself for them--ignorant creatures as they were!
+
+"Well, the cause was called, and up gets Peter, and he began to
+'express', (as he always called it himself,) 'the great distress his
+client and himself would labour under, if the patient and most
+intelligent jury then on the panel should come to the consideration of so
+very tedious a case as this promised to be, after their already most
+fatiguing exertions;' he commented upon their absence from their wives
+and families, their farms neglected, their crops hazarded, and in about
+fifteen minutes he showed them they were, if not speedily released and
+sent home, worse treated and harder used than many of the prisoners
+condemned to three months imprisonment; and actually so far worked upon
+the feelings of the chief himself, that he turned to the foreman of the
+jury, and said, 'that although it was a great deviation from his habitual
+practice, if at this pressing season their prospects were involved to the
+extent the learned counsel had pictured, why then, that he would so far
+bend his practice on this occasion, and they should be dismissed.'  Now
+Peter, I must confess, here showed the most culpable ignorance in not
+knowing that a set of country fellows, put up in a jury box, would rather
+let every glade of corn rot in the ground, than give up what they always
+supposed so very respectable an appointment; for they invariably imagine
+in these cases that they are something very like my lord the judge,
+'barrin' the ermine;' besides, that on the present occasion, Peter's
+argument in their favour decided them upon staying, for they now felt
+like martyrs, and firmly believed that they were putting the chief
+justice under an obligation to them for life.
+
+"When, therefore, they heard the question of the court, it did not take a
+moment's time for the whole body to rise en masses and bowing to the
+judge, call out, 'We'll stay, my lord, and try every mother's son of them
+for you; ay, if it lasted till Christmas.
+
+"'I am sure, my lord,' said Peter, collecting himself for an effort, 'I
+cannot sufficiently express my gratitude for the great sacrifice these
+gifted and highly intelligent gentlemen are making in my client's behalf;
+for being persons who have great interests in the country at stake, their
+conduct on the present occasion is the more praiseworthy; and I am
+certain they fully appreciate, as does your lordship, the difficulty of
+the case before us, when documents will be submitted, requiring a certain
+degree of acquaintance with such testimonials sufficiently to comprehend.
+Many of the title deeds, as your lordship is aware, being obtained under
+old abbey charters, are in the learned languages; and we all know how
+home to our hearts and bosoms comes the beautiful line of the Greek poet
+'vacuus viator cantabit ante latronem.'"  The sound of the quotation
+roused the chief justice, who had been in some measure inattentive to the
+preceding part of the learned counsel's address, and he called out rather
+sharply, 'Greek! Mr. Purcell--why I must have mistaken--will you repeat
+the passage?'
+
+"'With pleasure, my lord.  I was just observing to your lordship and the
+jury, with the eloquent poet Hergesius, 'vacuus viator cantabit ante
+latronem.'
+
+"'Greek, did you call it?'
+
+"'Yes, my lord, of course I did.'
+
+"'Why, Mr. Purcell, you are quoting Latin to me--and what do you mean by
+talking of the learned Hergesius, and Greek all this time?--the line is
+Juvenal's.'
+
+"'My lord, with much submission to your lordship, and every deference to
+your great attainments and very superior talents, let me still assure you
+that I am quoting Greek, and that your lordship is in error.'
+
+"'Mr. Purcell, I have only to remark, that if you are desirous of making
+a jest of the court, you had better be cautious, I say, sir;' and here
+the judge waxed exceeding wroth.  'I say the line is Latin--Latin, sir,
+Juvenal's Latin, sir--every schoolboy knows it.'
+
+"'Of course, my lord,' said Peter, with great humility, 'I bow myself to
+the decision of your lordship; the line is, therefore, Latin.  Yet I may
+be permitted to hint that were your lordship disposed to submit this
+question, as you are shortly about to do another and a similar one, to
+those clear-sighted and intelligent gentlemen there, I am satisfied, my
+lord, it would be Greek to every man of them.'
+
+"The look, the voice, and the peculiar emphasis with which Peter gave
+these words, were perfectly successful.  The acute judge anticipated the
+wish of the counsel--the jury were dismissed, and Peter proceeded to his
+case before those he knew better how to deal with, and with whom the
+result was more certain to be as he wished it."
+
+To this anecdote of the counsellor, succeeded many others, of which, as
+the whiskey was potent and the hour late, my memory is not over
+retentive: the party did not break up till near four o'clock; and even
+then, our seance only concluded, because some one gravely remarked "that
+as we should be all actively engaged on the morrow, early hours were
+advisable."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XIX.
+
+THE ASSIZE TOWN.
+
+I had not been above a week in my new quarters, when my servant presented
+me, among my letters one morning, with a packet, which with considerable
+pains, I at length recognised to be directed to me.  The entire envelope
+was covered with writing in various hands, among which I detected
+something which bore a faint resemblance to my name; but the address
+which followed was perfectly unreadable, not only to me, as it appeared,
+but also to the "experts" of the different post-offices, for it had been
+followed by sundry directions to try various places beginning with T,
+which seemed to be the letter commencing the "great unknown locality:"
+thus I read "try Tralee," "try Tyrone," "try Tanderagee," &c. &c.  I
+wonder that they didn't add, "try Teheran," and I suppose they would at
+last, rather than abandon the pursuit.
+
+"But, Stubber," said I, as I conned over the various addresses on this
+incomprehensible cover, "are you sure this is for me?"
+
+"The postmaster, sir, desired me to ask you if you'd have it, for he has
+offered it to every one down in these parts lately; the waterguard
+officers will take it at 8d. Cir, if you won't, but I begged you might
+have the refusal."
+
+"Oh! very well; I am happy to find matters are managed so impartially in
+the post-office here.  Nothing like a public cant for making matters find
+their true level.  Tell the postmaster, then, I'll keep the letter, and
+the rather, as it happens, by good luck, to be intended for me."
+
+"And now for the interior," said I, as I broke the seal and read:
+
+     "Paris, Rue Castiglione.
+
+     "My dear Mr. Lorrequer--As her ladyship and my son have in vain
+     essayed to get any thing from you in the shape of reply to their
+     letters, it has devolved upon me to try my fortune, which were I to
+     augur from the legibility of my writing, may not, I should fear,
+     prove more successful than the"--(what can the word be?) "the--the"
+     --why, it can't be damnable, surely?--no, it is amiable, I see
+     --"than the amiable epistle of my lady.  I cannot, however, permit
+     myself to leave this without apprising you that we are about to
+     start for Baden, where we purpose remaining a month or two.  Your
+     cousin Guy, who has been staying for some time with us, has been
+     obliged to set out for Geneva, but hopes to join in some weeks
+     hence.  He is a great favourite with us all, but has not effaced the
+     memory of our older friend, yourself.  Could you not find means to
+     come over and see us--if only a flying visit?  Rotterdam is the
+     route, and a few days would bring you to our quarters.  Hoping that
+     you may feel so disposed, I have enclosed herewith a letter to the
+     Horse Guards, which I trust may facilitate your obtaining leave of
+     absence.  I know of no other mode of making your peace with the
+     ladies, who are too highly incensed at your desertion to send one
+     civil postscript to this letter; and Kilkee and myself are
+     absolutely exhausted in our defence of you.  Believe me, yours
+     truly,
+
+                                   "Callonby."
+
+Had I received an official notification of my being appointed paymaster
+to the forces, or chaplain to Chelsea hospital, I believe I should have
+received the information with less surprise than I perused this letter
+--that after the long interval which had elapsed, during which I had
+considered myself totally forgotten by this family, I should now receive
+a letter--and such a letter, too--quite in the vein of our former
+intimacy and good feeling, inviting me to their house, and again
+professing their willingness that I should be on the terms of our old
+familiarity--was little short of wonderful to me.  I read, too--with what
+pleasure?--that slight mention of my cousin, whom I had so long regarded
+as my successful rival, but who I began now to hope had not been
+preferred to me.  Perhaps it was not yet too late to think that all was
+not hopeless.  It appeared, too, that several letters had been written
+which had never reached me; so, while I accused them of neglect and
+forgetfulness, I was really more amenable to the charge myself; for, from
+the moment I had heard of my cousin Guy's having been domesticated
+amongst them, and the rumours of his marriage had reached me, I suffered
+my absurd jealousy to blind my reason, and never wrote another line
+after.  I ought to have known how "bavarde" [boasting] Guy always was
+--that he never met with the most commonplace attentions any where, that
+he did not immediately write home about settlements and pin-money, and
+portions for younger children, and all that sort of nonsense.  Now I saw
+it all plainly, and ten thousand times quicker than my hopes were
+extinguished before were they again kindled, and I could not refrain
+from regarding Lady Jane as a mirror of constancy, and myself the most
+fortunate man in Europe.  My old castle-building propensities came back
+upon me in an instant, and I pictured myself, with Lady Jane as my
+companion, wandering among the beautiful scenery of the Neckar, beneath
+the lofty ruins of Heidelberg, or skimming the placid surface of the
+Rhine, while, "mellowed by distance," came the rich chorus of a
+student's melody, filling the air with its flood of song.  How
+delightful, I thought, to be reading the lyrics of Uhland, or Buerger,
+with one so capable of appreciating them, with all the hallowed
+associations of the "Vaterland" about us!  Yes, said I aloud, repeating
+the well-known line of a German "Lied"--
+
+               "Bakranzt mit Laub, den lieben vollen Becher."
+
+"Upon my conscience," said Mr. Daly, who had for some time past been in
+silent admiration of my stage-struck appearance--"upon my conscience, Mr.
+Lorrequer, I had no conception you knew Irish."
+
+The mighty talisman of the Counsellor's voice brought me back in a moment
+to a consciousness of where I was then standing, and the still more
+fortunate fact that I was only a subaltern in his majesty's __th--.
+
+"Why, my dear Counsellor, that was German I was quoting, not Irish."
+
+"With all my heart," said Mr. Daly, breaking the top off his third egg
+--"with all my heart; I'd rather you'd talk it than me.  Much conversation
+in that tongue, I'm thinking, would be mighty apt to loosen one's teeth."
+
+"Not at all, it is the most beautiful language in Europe, and the most
+musical too.  Why, even for your own peculiar taste in such matters,
+where can you find any language so rich in Bacchanalian songs as German?"
+
+"I'd rather hear the "Cruiskeen Lawn" or the "Jug of Punch" as my old
+friend Pat. Samson could sing them, than a score of your high Dutch
+jawbreakers."
+
+"Shame upon ye, Mr. Daly; and for pathos, for true feeling, where is
+there anything equal to Schiller's ballads?"
+
+"I don't think I've ever heard any of his; but if you will talk of
+ballads," said the Counsellor, "give me old Mosey M'Garry's: what's finer
+than"--and here began, with a most nasal twang and dolorous emphasis, to
+sing--
+
+               "'And I stepp'd up unto her,
+                  An' I made a congee--
+               And I ax'd her, her pardon
+                  For the making so free.'
+
+"And then the next verse, she says--
+
+               "'Are you goin' to undo me,
+                  In this desert alone?'--
+
+"There's a shake there."
+
+"For Heaven's sake," I cried, "stop; when I spoke of ballads, I never
+meant such infernal stuff as that."
+
+"I'll not give up my knowledge of ballads to any man breathing," said Mr.
+Daly; "and, with God's blessing, I'll sing you one this evening, after
+dinner, that will give you a cramp in the stomach."
+
+An animated discussion upon lyrical poetry was here interrupted by a
+summons from our host to set out for the town.  My party were, by the
+desire of the magistracy, to be in readiness near the court-house, in the
+event of any serious disturbance, which there existed but too much reason
+to fear from the highly excited state of feeling on the subject of the
+approaching trials.  The soldiers were, under the guidance of Mr.
+Larkins, safely ensconced in a tan-yard; and I myself, having consigned
+them for the present to a non-commissioned officer, was left at perfect
+liberty to dispose of my time and person as it might please me.
+
+While these arrangements were taking place, I had entirely lost sight of
+Mr. Daly, under whose guidance and protection I trusted to obtain a place
+within the bar to hear the trials; so that I was now perfectly alone, for
+my host's numerous avocations entirely precluded any thought of my
+putting myself under his care.
+
+My first object was to reach the court-house, and there could be little
+difficulty in finding it, for the throng of persons in the street were
+all eagerly bending their way thither.  I accordingly followed with the
+stream, and soon found myself among an enormous multitude of frize-coated
+and red-cloaked people, of both sexes, in a large open square, which
+formed the market-place, one side of which was flanked by the
+court-house--for as such I immediately recognized a massive-looking grey
+stone building--in which the numerous windows, all open and filled with
+people, exhaled a continued steam from the crowded atmosphere within.
+To approach it was perfectly impossible: for the square was packed so
+closely, that as the people approached, by the various streets, they
+were obliged to stand in the avenues leading to it, and regard what was
+going on from a distance.  Of this large multitude I soon became one,
+hoping that at length some fortunate opportunity might enable me to
+obtain admission through some of my legal acquaintances.
+
+That the fate of those who were then upon their trial for their lives
+absorbed the entire feelings of those without, a momentary glance at the
+hundreds of anxious and care-worn faces in the crowd, would completely
+satisfy.  Motionless and silent they stood: they felt no fatigue--no want
+of food or refreshment--their interest was one and undivided--all their
+hopes and fears were centered in the events then passing at a short
+distance from them, but to which their ignorance imparted an additional
+and more painful excitement--the only information of how matters were
+going on being by an occasional word, sometimes a mere gesture from some
+one stationed in the windows to a friend in the crowd.
+
+When the contemplation of this singularly impressive scene was beginning
+to weary from the irksomeness of my position, I thought of retiring: but
+soon discovered how impossible was such a step.  The crowd had blocked up
+so completely all the avenues of approach, that even had I succeeded in
+getting from the market-place, it would be only to remain firmly impacted
+among the mob in the street.
+
+It now also occurred to me, that although I had been assured by Larkins
+no call could possibly be made upon my services or those of my party,
+till after the trial, yet, were that to conclude at any moment, I should
+be perfectly unable to regain the place where I had stationed them, and
+the most serious consequences might ensue from the absence of their
+officer, if the men were required to act.
+
+From the time this thought took possession of me, I became excessively
+uncomfortable.  Every expression of the people that denoted the progress
+of the trial, only alarmed me for the conclusion, which I supposed, might
+not be distant, and I began, with all my ingenuity, to attempt my
+retreat, which, after half an hour's severe struggle, I completely
+abandoned, finding myself scarcely ten yards from where I started.
+
+At length, the counsel for the crown, who had been speaking to evidence,
+ceased; and an indistinct murmur was heard through the court-house, which
+was soon repressed by the voice of the crier calling "silence."  All now
+seemed still and silent as the grave--yet, on listening attentively, for
+some time, you could catch the low tones of a voice speaking, as it
+appeared, with great deliberation and slowness.  This was the judge
+addressing the jury.  In a short time this also ceased; and, for about
+half an hour, the silence was perfectly unbroken, and both within and
+without there reigned one intense and aching sense of anxiety that
+absorbed every feeling, and imparted to every face an expression of
+almost agonizing uncertainty.  It was, indeed, a space well calculated to
+excite such emotions.  The jury had retired to deliberate upon their
+verdict.  At length a door was heard to open, and the footsteps of the
+jury, as they resumed their places, sounded through the court, and were
+heard by those without.  How heavily upon many a stout heart those
+footsteps fell!  They had taken their seats--then came another pause
+--after which the monotonous tones of the clerk of the court were heard,
+addressing the jury for their verdict.  As the foreman rises every ear is
+bent--every eye strained--every heart-string vibrates: his lips move, but
+he is not heard; he is desired by the judge to speak louder; the colour
+mounts to his before bloodless face; he appears to labour for a few
+seconds with a mighty effort, and, at last, pronounces the words,
+"Guilty, my Lord--all guilty!"
+
+I have heard the wild war-whoop of the red Indian, as, in his own pine
+forest, he has unexpectedly come upon the track of his foe, and the
+almost extinguished hope of vengeance has been kindled again in his cruel
+heart--I have listened to the scarcely less savage hurra of a storming
+party, as they have surmounted the crumbling ruins of a breach, and
+devoted to fire and sword, with that one yell, all who await them--and
+once in my life it has been my fortune to have heard the last yell of
+defiance from a pirate crew, as they sunk beneath the raking fire of a
+frigate, rather than surrender, and went down with a cheer of defiance
+that rose even above the red artillery that destroyed but could not
+subdue them;--but never, in any or all of these awful moments, did my
+heart vibrate to such sounds as rent the air when the fatal "Guilty" was
+heard by those within, and repeated to those without.  It was not grief
+--it was not despair--neither was it the cry of sharp and irrepressible
+anguish, from a suddenly blighted hope--but it was the long pent-up and
+carefully-concealed burst of feeling which called aloud for vengeance
+--red and reeking revenge upon all who had been instrumental in the
+sentence then delivered.  It ceased, and I looked towards the
+court-house, expecting that an immediate and desperate attack upon the
+building and those whom it contained would at once take place.  But
+nothing of the kind ensued; the mob were already beginning to disperse,
+and before I recovered perfectly from the excitement of these few and
+terrible moments, the square was nearly empty, and I almost felt as if
+the wild and frantic denunciation that still rang through my ears, had
+been conjured up by a heated and fevered imagination.
+
+When I again met our party at the dinner table, I could not help feeling
+surprised on perceiving how little they sympathized in my feeling for the
+events of the day; which, indeed, they only alluded to in a professional
+point of view--criticising the speeches of the counsel on both sides, and
+the character of the different witnesses who were examined.
+
+"Well," said Mr. Daly, addressing our host, "you never could have had a
+conviction to-day if it wasn't for Mike.  He's the best evidence I ever
+heard.  I'd like to know very much how you ever got so clever a fellow
+completely in your clutches?"
+
+"By a mere accident, and very simply," replied the justice.  "It was upon
+one of our most crowded fair days--half the county was in town, when the
+information arrived that the Walshes were murdered the night before, at
+the cross-roads above Telenamuck mills.  The news reached me as I was
+signing some tithe warrants, one of which was against Mickey.  I sent for
+him into the office, knowing that as he was in the secret of all the evil
+doings, I might as well pretend to do him a service, and offer to stop
+the warrant, out of kindness as it were.  Well, one way or another, he
+was kept waiting for several hours while I was engaged in writing, and
+all the country people, as they passed the window, could look in and see
+Mickey Sheehan standing before me, while I was employed busily writing
+letters.  It was just at this time, that a mounted policeman rode in with
+the account of the murder; upon which I immediately issued a warrant to
+arrest the two MacNeills and Owen Shirley upon suspicion.  I thought I
+saw Mike turn pale, as I said the names over to the serjeant of police,
+and I at once determined to turn it to account; so I immediately began
+talking to Mickey about his own affairs, breaking off, every now and
+then, to give some directions about the men to be captured.  The crowd
+outside was increasing every instant, and you need not have looked at
+their faces twice, to perceive that they had regarded Mickey as an
+approver; and the same night that saw the MacNeills in custody, witnessed
+the burning of Sheehan's house and haggart, and he only escaped by a
+miracle over to Curryglass, where, once under my protection, with the
+imputation upon his character of having turned King's evidence, I had
+little trouble in persuading him that he might as well benefit by the
+report as enjoy the name without the gain.   He soon complied, and the
+convictions of this day are partly the result."
+
+When the applause which greeted this clever stroke of our host had
+subsided, I enquired what results might, in all likelihood, follow the
+proceedings of which I had that day been a witness?
+
+"Nothing will be done immediately," replied the justice, "because we
+have a large force of police and military about us; but let either, or
+unhappily both, be withdrawn, and the cry you heard given in the
+market-place to-day will be the death-wail for more than one of those
+who are well and hearty at this moment."
+
+The train of thought inevitably forced upon me by all I had been a
+spectator of during the day, but little disposed me to be a partaker in
+the mirth and conviviality which, as usual, formed the staple of the
+assize dinners of Mr. Larkins; and I accordingly took an early
+opportunity to quit the company and retire for the night.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XX.
+
+A DAY IN DUBLIN.
+
+On the third day of my residence at Curryglass, arrived my friend,
+Mortimer, to replace me, bringing my leave from the colonel, and a most
+handsome letter, in which he again glanced at the prospect before me in
+the Callonby family, and hinted at my destination, which I had not
+alluded to, adding, that if I made the pretence of study in Germany the
+reason for my application at the Horse Guards, I should be almost certain
+to obtain a six months' leave.  With what spirits I ordered Stubber to
+pack up my portmanteau, and secure our places in the Dublin mail for that
+night, while I myself hurried to take leave of my kind entertainer and
+his guests, as well as to recommend to their favor and attention my
+excellent friend Mortimer, who, being a jovial fellow, not at all in
+love, was a happy exchange for me, who, despite Daly's capital stories,
+had spent the last two days in watching the high road for my successor's
+arrival.
+
+Once more then, I bade adieu to Curryglass and its hospitable owner,
+whose labours for "justice to Ireland" I shall long remember, and
+depositing myself in the bowels of his majesty's mail, gave way to the
+full current of my hopes and imaginings, which at last ended in a sound
+and refreshing sleep, from which I only awoke as we drew up at the door
+of the Hibernian, in Dawson-street.
+
+Even at that early hour there was considerable bustle and activity of
+preparation, which I was at some loss to account for, till informed by
+the waiter that there were upwards of three hundred strangers in the
+house, it being the day of his majesty's expected arrival on his visit to
+Ireland, and a very considerable section of the county Galway being at
+that moment, with their wives and families, installed, for the occasion,
+in this, their favourite hotel.
+
+Although I had been reading of this approaching event every day for the
+last three months, I could not help feeling surprised at the intense
+appearance of excitement it occasioned, and, in the few minutes'
+conversation I held with the waiter, learned the total impossibility of
+procuring a lodging anywhere, and that I could not have a bed, even were
+I to offer five guineas for it.  Having, therefore, no inclination for
+sleep, even upon easier terms, I ordered my breakfast to be ready at ten,
+and set out upon a stroll through the town.  I could not help, in my
+short ramble through the streets, perceiving how admirably adapted were
+the worthy Dublinites for all the honors that awaited them; garlands of
+flowers, transparencies, flags, and the other insignia of rejoicing, were
+everywhere in preparation, and, at the end of Sackville-street, a
+considerable erection, very much resembling an impromptu gallows, was
+being built, for the purpose, as I afterwards learnt, of giving the
+worshipful the lord mayor the opportunity of opening the city gates to
+royalty; creating the obstacle where none existed; being a very ingenious
+conceit, and considerably Irish into the bargain.  I could not help
+feeling some desire to witness how all should go off, to use the
+theatrical phrase; but, in my anxiety to get on to the continent,
+I at once abandoned every thought of delay.  When I returned to the
+coffee-room of my hotel, I found it crowded to excess; every little
+table, originally destined for the accommodation of one, having at least
+two, and sometimes three occupants.  In my hurried glance round the
+room, to decide where I should place myself, I was considerably struck
+with the appearance of a stout elderly gentleman, with red whiskers, and
+a high, bald forehead; he had, although the day was an oppressively hot
+one, three waistcoats on, and by the brown York tan of his long topped
+boots, evinced a very considerable contempt either for weather or
+fashion; in the quick glance of his sharp grey eye, I read that he
+listened half doubtingly to the narrative of his companion, whose back
+was turned towards me, but who appeared, from the occasional words which
+reached me, to be giving a rather marvellous and melodramatic version of
+the expected pleasures of the capital.  There was something in the tone
+of the speaker's voice that I thought I recognised; I accordingly drew
+near, and what was my surprise to discover my friend Tom O'Flaherty.
+After our first salutation was over, Tom presented me to his friend, Mr.
+Burke, of somewhere, who, he continued to inform me, in a stage whisper,
+was a "regular dust," and never in Dublin in his life before.
+
+"And so, you say, sir, that his majesty cannot enter without the
+permission of the lord mayor?"
+
+"And the aldermen, too," replied Tom.  "It is an old feudal ceremony;
+when his majesty comes up to the gate, he demands admission, and the lord
+mayor refuses, because he would be thus surrendering his great
+prerogative of head of the city; then the aldermen get about him, and
+cajole him, and by degrees he's won over by the promise of being
+knighted, and the king gains the day, and enters."
+
+"Upon my conscience, a mighty ridiculous ceremony it is, after all," said
+Mr. Burke, "and very like a bargain for sheep in Ballinasloe fair, when
+the buyer and seller appear to be going to fight, till a mutual friend
+settles the bargain between them."
+
+At this moment, Mr. Burke suddenly sprung from his chair, which was
+nearest the window, to look out; I accordingly followed his example, and
+beheld a rather ludicrous procession, if such it could be called,
+consisting of so few persons.  The principal individual in the group was
+a florid, fat, happy-looking gentleman of about fifty, with a profusion
+of nearly white whiskers, which met at his chin, mounted upon a sleek
+charger, whose half-ambling, half-prancing pace, had evidently been
+acquired by long habit of going in procession; this august figure was
+habited in a scarlet coat and cocked hat, having aiguillettes, and all
+the other appanage of a general officer; he also wore tight buckskin
+breeches, and high jack-boots, like those of the Blues and Horse Guards;
+as he looked from side to side, with a self-satisfied contented air, he
+appeared quite insensible of the cortege which followed and preceded him;
+the latter, consisting of some score of half-ragged boys, yelling and
+shouting with all their might, and the former, being a kind of instalment
+in hand of the Dublin Militia Band, and who, in numbers and equipment,
+closely resembled the "army which accompanies the first appearance of
+Bombastes."  The only difference, that these I speak of did not play "the
+Rogue's March," which might have perhaps appeared personal.
+
+As this goodly procession advanced, Mr. Burke's eyes became riveted upon
+it; it was the first wonder he had yet beheld, and he devoured it.  "May
+I ask, sir," said he, at length, "who that is?"
+
+"Who that is!" said Tom, surveying him leisurely as he spoke; "why,
+surely, sir, you must be jesting, or you would not ask such a question;
+I trust, indeed, every one knows who he is.  Eh, Harry," said he, looking
+at me for a confirmation of what he said, and to which, of course, I
+assented by a look.
+
+"Well, but, my dear Mr. O'Flaherty, you forget how ignorant I am of every
+thing here--"
+
+"Ah, true," said Tom, interrupting; "I forgot you never saw him before."
+
+"And who is he, sir?"
+
+"Why, that's the Duke of Wellington."
+
+"Lord have mercy upon me, is it?" said Mr. Burke, as he upset the table,
+and all its breakfast equipage, and rushed through the coffee-room like
+one possessed.  Before I could half recover from the fit of laughing this
+event threw me into, I heard him as he ran full speed down Dawson-street,
+waving his hat, and shouting out at the top of his lungs, "God bless your
+grace--Long life to your grace--Hurra for the hero of Waterloo; the great
+captain of the age," &c. &c.; which I grieve to say, for the ingratitude
+of the individual lauded, seemed not to afford him half the pleasure, and
+none of the amusement it did the mob, who reechoed the shouts and
+cheering till he was hid within the precincts of the Mansion House.
+
+"And, now," said Tom to me, "finish your breakfast as fast as possible;
+for, when Burke comes back he will be boring me to dine with him, or some
+such thing, as a kind of acknowledgment of his gratitude for showing him
+the Duke.  Do you know he has seen more wonders through my poor
+instrumentality, within the last three days in Dublin than a six months'
+trip to the continent would show most men.  I have made him believe that
+Burke Bethel is Lord Brougham, and I am about to bring him to a soiree at
+Mi-Ladi's, who he supposes to be the Marchioness of Conyngham.  Apropos
+to the Bellissima, let me tell you of a 'good hit' I was witness to a few
+nights since; you know, perhaps, old Sir Charles Giesecke, eh?"
+
+"I have seen him once, I think--the professor of mineralogy."
+
+"Well, poor old Sir Charles, one of the most modest and retiring men in
+existence, was standing the other night among the mob, in one of the
+drawing-rooms, while a waltzing-party were figuring away, at which, with
+that fondness for 'la danse' that characterizes every German of any age,
+he was looking with much interest, when my lady came tripping up, and the
+following short dialogue ensued within my ear-shot:--"
+
+"Ah, mon cher, Sir Charles, ravi de vous voir.  But why are you not
+dancing?"
+
+"Ah, mi ladi, Je ne puis pas, c'est a dire, Ich kann es nicht; I am too
+old; Ich bin--"
+
+"Oh, you horrid man; I understand you perfectly.  You hate ladies, that
+is the real reason.  You do--you know you do."
+
+"Ah, my ladi, Gnaedige frau; glauben sie mir; I do loave de ladies; I do
+adore de sex.  Do you know, my ladi, when I was in Greenland I did keep
+four womans."
+
+"Oh, shocking, horrid, vile Sir Charles, how could you tell me such a
+story?  I shall die of it."
+
+"Ah, mine Gott, mi ladi; sie irren sich, vous, vous trompez.  You are
+quite in mistake; it was only to row my boat!"
+
+"I leave you to guess how my lady's taste for the broad-side of the
+story, and poor Sir Charles's vindication of himself, in regard to his
+estimation of 'le beau sexe,' amused all who heard it; as for me, I had
+to leave the room, half-choked with suppressed laughter.  And, now, let
+us bolt, for I see Burke coming, and, upon my soul I am tired of telling
+him lies, and must rest on my oars for a few hours at least."
+
+"But where is the necessity for so doing?" said I, "surely, where there
+is so much of novelty as a large city presents to a visitor for the first
+time, there is little occasion to draw upon imagination for your facts."
+
+"Ah, my dear Harry, how little do you know of life; there is a kind of
+man whose appetite for the marvellous is such, that he must be crammed
+with miracles or he dies of inanition, and you might as well attempt to
+feed a tiger upon pate de foie gras, as satisfy him by mere naked
+unvarnished truth.  I'll just give you an easy illustration; you saw his
+delight this morning when the 'Duke' rode past; well I'll tell you the
+converse of that proposition now.  The night before last, having nothing
+better to do, we went to the theatre; the piece was 'La Perouse,' which
+they have been playing here for the last two months to crowded houses, to
+exhibit some North American Indians whom some theatrical speculator
+brought over 'expres', in all the horrors of fur, wampum, and yellow
+ochre.  Finding the 'spectacle' rather uninteresting I leaned back in my
+box, and fell into a doze.  Meanwhile, my inquiring friend, Mr. Burke,
+who felt naturally anxious, as he always does, to get au fond at matters,
+left his place to obtain information about the piece, the audience, and,
+above all, the authenticity of the Indians, who certainly astonished him
+considerably.
+
+"Now it so happened that about a fortnight previously some violent
+passion to return home to their own country had seized these interesting
+individuals, and they felt the most irresistible longing to abandon the
+savage and unnatural condiments of roast beef and Guinness's porter, and
+resume their ancient and more civilized habits of life.  In fact, like
+the old African lady, mentioned by the missionary at the Cape, they felt
+they could die happy if they 'could only once more have a roast child for
+supper,' and as such luxuries are dear in this country, stay another week
+they would not, whatever the consequences might be; the manager reasoned,
+begged, implored and threatened, by turns; all would not do, go they were
+determined, and all that the unfortunate proprietor could accomplish was,
+to make a purchase of their properties in fur, belts, bows, arrows, and
+feathers, and get them away quietly, without the public being the wiser.
+The piece was too profitable a one to abandon, so he looked about
+anxiously, to supply the deficiency in his corps dramatique.  For several
+days nothing presented itself to his thoughts, and the public were
+becoming more clamorous for the repetition of a drama which had greatly
+delighted them.  What was to be done?  In a mood of doubt and uncertainty
+the wretched manager was taking his accustomed walk upon the light-house
+pier, while a number of unfortunate country fellows, bare legged and
+lanky, with hay ropes fastening their old grey coats around them, were
+standing beside a packet about to take their departure for England, for
+the harvest.  Their uncouth appearance, their wild looks, their violent
+gestures, and, above all, their strange and guttural language, for they
+were all speaking Irish, attracted the attention of the manager; the
+effect, to his professional eye was good, the thought struck him at once.
+Here were the very fellows he wanted.  It was scarcely necessary to alter
+any thing about them, they were ready made to his hand, and in many
+respects better savages than their prototypes.  Through the mediation of
+some whiskey, the appropriate liquor in all treaties of this nature, a
+bargain was readily struck, and in two hours more, 'these forty thieves'
+were rehearsing upon the classic boards of our theatre, and once more, La
+Perouse, in all the glory of red capital letters, shone forth in the
+morning advertisements.  The run of the piece continued unabated; the
+Indians were the rage; nothing else was thought or spoken of in Dublin,
+and already the benefit of Ashewaballagh Ho was announced, who, by the
+by, was a little fellow from Martin's estate in Connemara, and one of the
+drollest dogs I ever heard of.  Well, it so happened that it was upon one
+of their nights of performing that I found myself, with Mr. Burke, a
+spectator of their proceedings; I had fallen into an easy slumber, while
+a dreadful row in the box lobby roused me from my dream, and the loud cry
+of 'turn him out,' 'pitch him over,' 'beat his brains out,' and other
+humane proposals of the like nature, effectually restored me to
+consciousness; I rushed out of the box into the lobby, and there, to my
+astonishment, in the midst of a considerable crowd, beheld my friend, Mr.
+Burke, belaboring the box-keeper with all his might with a cotton
+umbrella of rather unpleasant proportions, accompanying each blow with an
+exclamation of 'well, are they Connaughtmen, now, you rascal, eh? are
+they all west of Athlone, tell me that, no?  I wonder what's preventing
+me beating the soul out of ye.'  After obtaining a short cessation of
+hostilities, and restoring poor Sharkey to his legs, much more dead than
+alive from pure fright, I learned, at last, the teterrima causa belli.
+Mr. Burke, it seems, had entered into conversation with Sharkey, the
+box-keeper, as to all the particulars of the theatre, and the present
+piece, but especially as to the real and authentic history of the
+Indians, whose language he remarked, in many respects to resemble Irish.
+Poor Sharkey, whose benefit-night was approaching, thought he might
+secure a friend for life, by imparting to him an important state secret;
+and when, therefore, pressed rather closely as to the 'savages'
+whereabout' resolved to try a bold stroke, and trust his unknown
+interrogator.  'And so you don't really know where they come from, nor
+can't guess?' 'Maybe, Peru,' said Mr. Burke, innocently.  'Try again,
+sir,' said Sharkey, with a knowing grin.  'Is it Behring's Straits?'
+said Mr. Burke.  'What do you think of Galway, sir?' said Sharkey, with
+a leer intended to cement a friendship for life; the words were no
+sooner out of his lips, than Burke, who immediately took them as a piece
+of direct insolence to himself and his country, felled him to the earth,
+and was in the act of continuing the discipline when I arrived on the
+field of battle."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXI.
+
+A NIGHT AT HOWTH.
+
+"And must you really leave us so soon," said Tom as we issued forth into
+the street; "why I was just planning a whole week's adventure for you.
+Town is so full of all kinds of idle people, I think I could manage to
+make your time pass pleasantly enough."
+
+"Of that," I replied, "I have little doubt; but for the reasons I have
+just mentioned, it is absolutely necessary that I should not lose a
+moment; and after arranging a few things here, I shall start to-morrow by
+the earliest packet, and hasten up to London at once."
+
+"By Jupiter," said Tom, "how lucky.  I just remember something, which
+comes admirably apropos.  You are going to Paris--is it not so?"
+
+"Yes, direct to Paris."
+
+"Nothing could be better.  There is a particularly nice person, a great
+friend of mine, Mrs. Bingham, waiting for several days in hopes of a
+chaperon to take care of herself and daughter--a lovely girl, only
+nineteen, you wretch--to London, en route to the continent: the mamma
+a delightful woman, and a widow, with a very satisfactory jointure--you
+understand--but the daughter, a regular downright beauty, and a ward in
+chancery, with how many thousand pounds I am afraid to trust myself to
+say.  You must know then they are the Binghams of--, upon my soul, I
+forget where; but highly respectable."
+
+"I regret I have not the pleasure of their acquaintance, and the more
+because I shall not be able to make it now."
+
+"As why?" said Tom gravely.
+
+"Because, in the first place, I am so confoundedly pressed for time that
+I could not possibly delay under any contingency that might arise; and
+your fair friends are, doubtless, not so eagerly determined upon
+travelling night and day till they reach Paris.  Secondly, to speak
+candidly, with my present hopes and fears weighing upon my mind, I should
+not be the most agreeable travelling companion to two ladies with such
+pretensions as you speak of; and thirdly,--"
+
+"Confound your thirdly.  I suppose we shall have sixteenthly, like a
+Presbyterian minister's sermon, if I let you go on.  Why, they'll not
+delay you one hour.  Mrs. Bingham, man, cares as little for the road as
+yourself; and as for your petits soins, I suppose if you get the fair
+ladies through the Custom-House, and see them safe in a London hotel,
+it is all will be required at your hands."
+
+"Notwithstanding all you say, I see the downright impossibility of my
+taking such a charge at this moment, when my own affairs require all the
+little attention I can bestow; and when, were I once involved with your
+fair friends, it might be completely out of my power to prosecute my own
+plans."
+
+As I said this, we reached the door of a handsome looking house in
+Kildare-street; upon which Tom left my arm, and informing me that he
+desired to drop a card, knocked loudly.
+
+"Is Mrs. Bingham at home," said he, as the servant opened the door.
+
+"No sir, she's out in the carriage."
+
+"Well, you see Harry, your ill luck befriends you; for I was resolved on
+presenting you to my friends and leaving the rest to its merits."
+
+"I can safely assure you that I should not have gone up stairs," said I.
+"Little as I know of myself, there is one point of my character I have
+never been deceived in, the fatal facility by which every new incident
+or adventure can turn me from following up my best matured and longest
+digested plans; and as I feel this weakness and cannot correct it; the
+next best thing I can do is fly the causes."
+
+"Upon my soul," said Tom, "you have become quite a philosopher since we
+met.  There is an old adage which says, 'no king is ever thoroughly
+gracious if he has not passed a year or two in dethronement;' so I
+believe your regular lady-killer--yourself for instance--becomes a very
+quiet animal for being occasionally jilted.  But now, as you have some
+commissions to do, pray get done with them as fast as possible, and let
+us meet at dinner.  Where do you dine to-day?"
+
+"Why, upon that point, I am at your service completely."
+
+"Well, then, I have got a plan which I think will suit you.  You said you
+wished to go by Holyhead, for fear of delay; so, we'll drive down at six
+o'clock to Skinner's and dine with him on board the packet at Howth.
+Bring your luggage with you, and it will save you a vast deal of fuss and
+trouble in the morning."
+
+Nothing could be better management for me than this, so I accordingly
+promised acquiescence; and having appointed a rendezvous for six o'clock,
+bade O'Flaherty good by, inwardly rejoicing that my plans were so far
+forwarded, and that I was not to be embarrassed with either Mrs. Bingham
+or her daughter, for whose acquaintance or society I had no peculiar
+ambition.
+
+My commissions, though not very numerous, occupied the few hours which
+remained, and it was already a few minutes past six o'clock when I took
+my stand under the piazza of the Post Office to wait for O'Flaherty.  I
+had not long to do so, for immediately after I had reached the spot, he
+arrived in an open barouche and four posters, with three other young men,
+to whom he severally introduced me, but whose names I have totally
+forgotten; I only remember that two of the party were military men then
+quartered in town.
+
+When I had taken my seat, I could not help whispering to Tom, that
+although his friend Skinner might be "bon" for a visitation or two at his
+dinner, yet as we were now so strong a party, it might be as well to dine
+at the hotel.
+
+"Oh," said he, "I have arranged all that; I have sent him a special
+messenger two hours since, and so make your mind easy--we shall not be
+disappointed, nor be short-taken."
+
+Our drive, although a long one, passed quickly over, and before we had
+reached our destination, I had become tolerably intimate with all the
+party, who were evidently picked men, selected by O'Flaherty for a
+pleasant evening.
+
+We drove along the pier to the wharf, where the steamer lay, and were
+received at once by Tom's friend with all the warm welcome and
+hospitality of a sailor, united with the address and polish of a very
+finished gentleman.  As we descended the companion-ladder to the cabin,
+my mind became speedily divested of any fears I might have indulged in,
+as to the want of preparation of our entertainer.  The table was covered
+with all the appanage of handsome plate and cut glass, while the
+side-tables glittered with a magnificent dessert, and two large
+wine-coolers presented an array of champagne necks shining with their
+leaden cravats that would have tempted an anchorite.
+
+I remember very little else of that evening than the coup d'oeil I have
+mentioned; besides, were my memory more retentive, I might scruple to
+trespass farther on my reader's patience, by the detail of those
+pleasures, which, like love-letters, however agreeable to the parties
+immediately concerned, are very unedifying to all others.  I do remember,
+certainly, that good stories and capital songs succeeded each other with
+a rapidity only to be equalled by the popping of corks; and have also a
+very vague and indistinct recollection of a dance round the table,
+evidently to finish a chorus, but which, it appears, finished me too, for
+I saw no more that night.
+
+How many men have commemorated the waking sensations of their fellow-men,
+after a night's debauch; yet at the same time, I am not aware of any one
+having perfectly conveyed even a passing likeness to the mingled throng
+of sensations which crowd one's brain on such an occasion.  The doubt of
+what has passed, by degrees yielding to the half-consciousness of the
+truth, the feeling of shame, inseparable except to the habitually
+hard-goer, for the events thus dimly pictured, the racking headache and
+intense thirst, with the horror of the potation recently indulged in: the
+recurring sense of the fun or drollery of a story or an incident which
+provokes us again to laugh despite the jarring of our brain from the
+shaking.  All this and more most men have felt, and happy are they when
+their waking thoughts are limited to such, at such times as these--the
+matter becomes considerably worse, when the following morning calls for
+some considerable exertion, for which even in your best and calmest
+moments, you only find yourself equal.
+
+It is truly unpleasant, on rubbing your eyes and opening your ears, to
+discover that the great bell is ringing the half-hour before your
+quarterly examination at college, while Locke, Lloyd, and Lucian are
+dancing a reel through your brain, little short of madness; scarcely less
+agreeable is it, to learn that your friend Captain Wildfire is at the
+door in his cab, to accompany you to the Phoenix, to stand within twelve
+paces of a cool gentleman who has been sitting with his arm in Eau de
+Cologne for the last half-hour, that he may pick you out "artist-like."
+There are, besides these, innumerable situations in which our
+preparations of the night would appear, as none of the wisest; but I
+prefer going at once to my own, which, although considerably inferior in
+difficulty, was not without its own "desagremens."
+
+When I awoke, therefore, on board the "Fire-fly," the morning after our
+dinner-party, I was perfectly unable, by any mental process within my
+reach, to discover where I was.  On ship-board I felt I must be--the
+narrow berth--the gilded and panelled cabin which met my eye, through my
+half-open curtains, and that peculiar swelling motion inseparable from a
+vessel in the water, all satisfied me of this fact.  I looked about me,
+but could see no one to give me the least idea of my position.  Could it
+be that we were on our way out to Corfu, and that I had been ill for some
+time past?
+
+But this cabin had little resemblance to a transport; perhaps it might be
+a frigate--I knew not.  Then again, were we sailing, or at anchor, for
+the ship was nearly motionless; at this instant a tremendous noise like
+thunder crashed through my head, and for a moment I expected we had
+exploded, and would be all blown up; but an instant after I discovered it
+must be the escape of the steam, and that I was on board a packet ship.
+Here, then, was some clue to my situation, and one which would probably
+have elicited all in due season; but just at this moment a voice on deck
+saved me from any further calculations.  Two persons were conversing
+whose voices were not altogether unknown to me, but why I knew not.
+
+"Then, Captain, I suppose you consider this as an excellent passage."
+
+"Yes, of course I do," replied the captain, "it's only five hours since
+we left Howth, and now you see we are nearly in; if we have this run of
+the tide we shall reach the Head before twelve o'clock."
+
+"Ha! ha!" said I to myself, "now I begin to learn something.  So we have
+crossed the channel while I was sleeping--not the least agreeable thing
+for a man to hear who suffers martyrdom from sea sickness--but let me
+listen again."
+
+"And that large mountain there--is that Snowdon?"
+
+"No.  You cannot see Snowdon; there is too much mist about it; that
+mountain is Capel Carrig; and there that bold bluff to the eastward, that
+is Penmen Mawr."
+
+"Come, there is no time to be lost," thought I; so springing out of my
+berth, accoutred as I was, in merely trowsers and slippers, with a red
+handkerchief fastened night-cap fashion round my head, I took my way
+through the cabin.
+
+My first thought on getting upon my legs was how tremendously the vessel
+pitched, which I had not remarked while in my berth, but now I could
+scarce keep myself from falling at every step.  I was just about to call
+the steward, when I again heard the voices on deck.
+
+"You have but few passengers this trip."
+
+"I think only yourself and a Captain Lorrequer," replied the captain,
+"who, by-the-by, is losing all this fine coast, which is certainly a
+great pity."
+
+"He shall not do so much longer," thought I; "for as I find that there are
+no other passengers, I'll make my toilet on deck, and enjoy the view
+besides."  With this determination I ascended slowly and cautiously the
+companion ladder, and stepped out upon the deck; but scarcely had I done
+so, when a roar of the loudest laughter made me turn my head towards the
+poop, and there to my horror of horrors, I beheld Tom O'Flaherty seated
+between two ladies, whose most vociferous mirth I soon perceived was
+elicited at my expense.
+
+All the party of the preceding night were also there, and as I turned
+from their grinning faces to the land, I saw, to my shame and confusion,
+that we were still lying beside the pier at Howth; while the band-boxes,
+trunks, and imperials of new arrivals were incessantly pouring in, as
+travelling carriages kept driving up to the place of embarkation.  I
+stood perfectly astounded and bewildered--shame for my ridiculous costume
+would have made me fly at any other time--but there I remained to be
+laughed at patiently, while that villain O'Flaherty leading me passively
+forward, introduced me to his friends--"Mrs. Bingham, Mr. Lorrequer; Mr.
+Lorrequer, Miss Bingham.  Don't be prepossessed against him, ladies, for
+when not in love, and properly dressed, he is a marvellously well-looking
+young gentleman; and as--"
+
+What the remainder of the sentence might be, I knew not, for I rushed
+down into the cabin, and locking the door, never opened it till I could
+perceive from the stern windows that we were really off on our way to
+England, and recognized once more the laughing face of O'Flaherty, who,
+as he waved his hat to his friends from the pier, reminded them that
+"they were under the care and protection of his friend Lorrequer, who, he
+trusted, would condescend to increase his wearing apparel under the
+circumstances."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXII.
+
+THE JOURNEY.
+
+When I did at last venture upon deck, it was with a costume studiously
+accurate, and as much of manner as I could possibly muster, to endeavour
+at once to erase the unfortunate impression of my first appearance; this,
+however, was not destined to be a perfectly successful manoeuvre, and I
+was obliged after a few minutes to join the laugh, which I found could
+not be repressed, at my expense.  One good result certainly followed from
+all this.  I became almost immediately on intimate terms with Mrs.
+Bingham and her daughter, and much of the awkwardness in my position as
+their chaperon, which bon gre, mal gre I was destined to be, was at once
+got over.  Mrs. Bingham herself was of that "genre" of widow which comes
+under the "fat, fair, and forty" category, with a never-ceasing flow of
+high, almost boisterous, spirits--an excellent temper, good health
+--and a well-stocked purse.  Life to her was like a game of her favourite
+"speculation."  When, as she believed, the "company honest," and knew her
+cards trumps, she was tolerably easy for the result.  She liked
+Kingstown--she liked short whist--she liked the military--she liked "the
+junior bar," of which she knew a good number--she had a well furnished
+house in Kildare-street--and a well cushioned pew in St. Anne's--she was
+a favourite at the castle--and Dr. Labatt "knew her constitution."  Why,
+with all these advantages, she should ever have thought of leaving the
+"happy valley" of her native city, it was somewhat hard to guess.  Was it
+that thoughts of matrimony, which the continent held out more prospect
+for, had invaded the fair widow's heart? was it that the altered
+condition to which politics had greatly reduced Dublin, had effected this
+change of opinion? or was it like that indescribable longing for the
+unknown something, which we read of in the pathetic history of the fair
+lady celebrated, I believe, by Petrarch, but I quote from memory:
+
+                   "Mrs. Gill is very ill,
+                       Nothing can improve her,
+                    But to see the Tuillerie,
+                       And waddle through the Louvre."
+
+None of these, I believe, however good and valid reasons in themselves,
+were the moving powers upon the present occasion; the all-sufficient one
+being that Mrs. Bingham had a daughter.  Now Miss Bingham was Dublin too
+--but Dublin of a later edition--and a finer, more hot-pressed copy than
+her mamma.  She had been educated at Mrs. Somebody's seminary in
+Mountjoy-square--had been taught to dance by Montague--and had learned
+French from a Swiss governess--with a number of similar advantages
+--a very pretty figure--dark eyes--long eye-lashes and a dimple--and last,
+but of course least, the deserved reputation of a large fortune.  She had
+made a most successful debut in the Dublin world, where she was much
+admired and flattered, and which soon suggested to her quick mind, as it
+has often done in similar cases to a young provincial debutante, not to
+waste her "fraicheur" upon the minor theatres, but at once to appear upon
+the "great boards;" so far evidencing a higher flight of imagination
+and enterprise than is usually found among the clique of her early
+associates, who may be characterized as that school of young ladies,
+who like the "Corsair" and Dunleary, and say, "ah don't!"
+
+She possessed much more common sense than her mamma, and promised under
+proper advantages to become speedily quite sufficiently acquainted with
+the world and its habitudes.  In the meanwhile, I perceived that she ran
+a very considerable risque of being carried off by some mustachoed Pole,
+with a name like a sneeze, who might pretend to enjoy the entree into the
+fashionable circles of the continent.
+
+Very little study of my two fair friends enabled me to see thus much; and
+very little "usage" sufficed to render me speedily intimate with both;
+the easy bonhommie of the mamma, who had a very methodistical
+appreciation of what the "connexion" call "creature comforts," amused me
+much, and opened one ready path to her good graces by the opportunity
+afforded of getting up a luncheon of veal cutlets and London porter, of
+which I partook, not a little to the evident loss of the fair daughter's
+esteem.
+
+While, therefore, I made the tour of the steward's cell in search of
+Harvey's sauce, I brushed up my memory of the Corsair and Childe Harold,
+and alternately discussed Stilton and Southey, Lover and lobsters, Haynes
+Bayley and ham.
+
+The day happened to be particularly calm and delightful, so that we never
+left the deck; and the six hours which brought us from land to land,
+quickly passed over in this manner; and ere we reached "the Head," I had
+become the warm friend and legal adviser of the mother; and with the
+daughter I was installed as chief confidant of all her griefs and
+sorrows, both of which appointments cost me a solemn promise to take care
+of them till their arrival in Paris, where they had many friends and
+acquaintances awaiting them.  Here, then, as usual, was the invincible
+facility with which I gave myself up to any one who took the trouble to
+influence me.  One thing, nevertheless, I was determined on, to let no
+circumstance defer my arrival at Paris a day later than was possible:
+therefore, though my office as chaperon might diminish my comforts en
+route, it should not interfere with the object before me.  Had my mind
+not been so completely engaged with my own immediate prospects, when hope
+suddenly and unexpectedly revived, had become so tinged with fears and
+doubts as to be almost torture, I must have been much amused with my
+present position, as I found myself seated with my two fair friends,
+rolling along through Wales in their comfortable travelling carriage
+--giving all the orders at the different hotels--seeing after the
+luggage--and acting en maitre in every respect.
+
+The good widow enjoyed particularly the difficulty which my precise
+position, with regard to her and her daughter, threw the different
+innkeepers on the road into, sometimes supposing me to be her husband,
+sometimes her son, and once her son-in-law; which very alarming
+conjecture brought a crimson tinge to the fair daughter's cheek, an
+expression, which, in my ignorance, I thought looked very like an
+inclination to faint in my arms.
+
+At length we reached London, and having been there safely installed at
+"Mivart's," I sallied forth to present my letter to the Horse Guards,
+and obtain our passport for the continent.
+
+"Number nine, Poland-street, sir" said the waiter, as I inquired the
+address of the French Consul.  Having discovered that my interview with
+the commander-in-chief was appointed for four o'clock, I determined to
+lose no time, but make every possible arrangement for leaving London in
+the morning.
+
+A cab quietly conveyed me to the door of the Consul, around which stood
+several other vehicles, of every shape and fashion, while in the doorway
+were to be seen numbers of people, thronging and pressing, like the Opera
+pit on a full night.  Into the midst of this assemblage I soon thrust
+myself, and, borne upon the current, at length reached a small back
+parlour, filled also with people; a door opening into another small room
+in the front, showed a similar mob there, with the addition of a small
+elderly man, in a bag wig and spectacles, very much begrimed with snuff,
+and speaking in a very choleric tone to the various applicants for
+passports, who, totally ignorant of French, insisted upon interlarding
+their demands with an occasional stray phrase, making a kind of
+tesselated pavement of tongues, which would have shamed Babel.  Nearest
+to the table at which the functionary sat, stood a mustachoed gentleman,
+in a blue frock and white trowsers, a white hat jauntily set upon one
+side of his head, and primrose gloves.  He cast a momentary glance of a
+very undervaluing import upon the crowd around him, and then, turning to
+the Consul, said in a very soprano tone--
+
+"Passport, monsieur!"
+
+"Que voulez vous que je fasse," replied the old Frenchman, gruffly.
+
+"Je suis j'ai--that is, donnez moi passport."
+
+"Where do you go?" replied the Consul.
+
+"Calai."
+
+"Comment diable, speak Inglis, an I understan' you as besser.  Your
+name?"
+
+"Lorraine Snaggs, gentilhomme."
+
+"What age have you?--how old?"
+
+"Twenty-two."
+
+"C'est ca," said the old consul, flinging the passport across the table,
+with the air of a man who thoroughly comprehended the applicant's
+pretension to the designation of gentilhomme Anglais.
+
+"Will you be seated ma'mselle?" said the polite old Frenchman, who had
+hitherto been more like a bear than a human being--"Ou allez vous donc;
+where to, ma chere?"
+
+"To Paris, sir."
+
+"By Calais?"
+
+"No, sir; by Boulogne"--
+
+"C'est bon; quel age avez vous.  What old, ma belle?"
+
+"Nineteen, sir, in June."
+
+"And are you alone, quite, eh?"
+
+"No, sir, my little girl."
+
+"Ah! your leetel girl--c'est fort bien--je m'appercois; and your name?"
+
+"Fanny Linwood, sir."
+
+"C'est fini, ma chere, Mademoiselle Fanni Linwood," said the old man, as
+he wrote down the name.
+
+"Oh, sir, I beg your pardon, but you have put me down Mademoiselle, and
+--and--you see, sir, I have my little girl."
+
+"A c'est egal, mam'selle, they don't mind these things in France--au
+plaisir de vous voir.  Adieu."
+
+"They don't mind these things in France," said I to myself, repeating the
+old consul's phrase, which I could not help feeling as a whole chapter on
+his nation.
+
+My business was soon settled, for I spoke nothing but English--very
+little knowledge of the world teaching me that when we have any favour,
+however slight, to ask, it is always good policy to make the amende by
+gratifying the amour propre of the granter--if, happily, there be an
+opportunity for so doing.
+
+When I returned to Mivart's, I found a written answer to my letter of the
+morning, stating that his lordship of the Horse Guards was leaving town
+that afternoon, but would not delay my departure for the continent, to
+visit which a four month's leave was granted me, with a recommendation to
+study at Weimar.
+
+The next day brought us to Dover, in time to stroll about the cliffs
+during the evening, when I again talked sentiment with the daughter till
+very late.  The Madame herself was too tired to come out, so that we had
+our walk quite alone.  It is strange enough how quickly this travelling
+together has shaken us into intimacy.  Isabella says she feels as if I
+were her brother; and I begin to think myself she is not exactly like a
+sister.  She has a marvellously pretty foot and ancle.
+
+The climbing of cliffs is a very dangerous pastime.  How true the French
+adage--"C'est plus facile de glisser sur la gazon que sur la glace."  But
+still nothing can come of it; for if Lady Jane be not false, I must
+consider myself an engaged man.
+
+"Well, but I hope," said I, rousing myself from a reverie of some
+minutes, and inadvertently pressing the arm which leaned upon me--"your
+mamma will not be alarmed at our long absence?"
+
+"Oh! not in the least; for she knows I'm with you."
+
+And here I felt a return of the pressure--perhaps also inadvertently
+given, but which, whether or not, effectually set all my reasonings and
+calculations astray; and we returned to the hotel, silent on both sides.
+
+The appearance of la chere mamma beside the hissing tea-urn brought us
+both back to ourselves; and, after an hour's chatting, we wished good
+night, to start on the morrow for the continent.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIII.
+
+CALAIS.
+
+It was upon a lovely evening in autumn, as the Dover steam-boat rounded
+the wooden pier at Calais, amid a fleet of small boats filled with eager
+and anxious faces, soliciting, in every species of bad English and
+"patois" [vulgar] French, the attention and patronage of the passengers.
+
+"Hotel de Bain, mi lor'."
+
+"Hotel d'Angleterre," said another, in a voice of the most imposing
+superiority.  "C'est superbe--pretty well."
+
+"Hotel du Nord, votre Excellence--remise de poste and 'delays' (quere
+relays) at all hours."
+
+"Commissionaire, mi ladi," sung out a small shrill treble from the midst
+of a crowded cock-boat, nearly swamped beneath our paddle-wheel.
+
+What a scene of bustle, confusion, and excitement does the deck of a
+steamer present upon such an occasion.  Every one is running hither or
+thither.  "Sauve qui peut" is now the watch-word; and friendships, that
+promised a life-long endurance only half an hour ago, find here a speedy
+dissolution.  The lady who slept all night upon deck, enveloped in the
+folds of your Astracan cloak, scarcely deigns an acknowledgment of you,
+as she adjusts her ringlets before the looking-glass over the stove in
+the cabin.  The polite gentleman, that would have flown for a reticule or
+a smelling-bottle upon the high seas, won't leave his luggage in the
+harbour; and the gallantry and devotion that stood the test of half a
+gale of wind and a wet jacket, is not proof when the safety of a
+carpet-bag or the security of a "Mackintosh" is concerned.
+
+And thus here, as elsewhere, is prosperity the touchstone of good
+feeling. All the various disguises which have been assumed, per viaggio,
+are here immediately abandoned, and, stripped of the travelling costume
+of urbanity and courtesy, which they put on for the voyage, they stand
+forth in all the unblushing front of selfishness and self-interest.
+
+Some tender scenes yet find their place amid the debris of this chaotic
+state.  Here may be seen a careful mother adjusting innumerable shawls
+and handkerchiefs round the throat of a sea-green young lady with a
+cough; her maid is at the same instant taking a tender farewell of the
+steward in the after-cabin.
+
+Here is a very red-faced and hot individual, with punch-coloured breeches
+and gaiters, disputing "one brandy too much" in his bill, and vowing that
+the company shall hear of it when he returns to England.  There, a tall,
+elderly woman, with a Scotch-grey eye, and a sharp cheek-bone, is
+depositing within her muff various seizable articles, that, until now,
+had been lying quietly in her trunk.  Yonder, that raw-looking young
+gentleman, with the crumpled frock-coat, and loose cravat, and sea-sick
+visage, is asking every one "if they think he may land without a
+passport."  You scarcely recognise him for the cigar-smoking dandy of
+yesterday, that talked as if he had lived half his life on the continent.
+While there, a rather pretty girl is looking intently at some object in
+the blue water, beside the rudder post.  You are surprised you cannot
+make it out; but then, she has the advantage of you, for the tall,
+well-looking man, with the knowing whiskers, is evidently whispering
+something in her ear.
+
+"Steward, this is not my trunk--mine was a leather--"
+
+"All the 'leathers' are gone in the first boat, sir."
+
+"Most scandalous way of doing business."
+
+"Trouble you for two-and-sixpence, sir."
+
+"There's Matilda coughing again," says a thin, shrewish woman, with a
+kind of triumphant scowl at her better half; "but you would have her wear
+that thin shawl!"
+
+"Whatever may be the fault of the shawl, I fancy no one will reproach her
+ancles for thinness," murmurs a young Guard's man, as he peeps up the
+companion-ladder.
+
+Amid all the Babel of tongues, and uproar of voices, the thorough bass of
+the escape steam keeps up its infernal thunders, till the very brain
+reels, and, sick as you have been of the voyage, you half wish yourself
+once more at sea, if only to have a moment of peace and tranquillity.
+
+Numbers now throng the deck who have never made their appearance before.
+Pale, jaundiced, and crumpled, they have all the sea-sick look and
+haggard cheek of the real martyr--all except one, a stout, swarthy,
+brown-visaged man, of about forty, with a frame of iron, and a voice like
+the fourth string of a violincello.  You wonder why he should have taken
+to his bed: learn, then, that he is his Majesty's courier from the
+foreign office, going with despatches to Constantinople, and that as he
+is not destined to lie down in a bed for the next fourteen days, he is
+glad even of the narrow resemblance to one, he finds in the berth of a
+steam-boat.  At length you are on shore, and marched off in a long
+string, like a gang of convicts to the Bureau de l'octroi, and here is
+begun an examination of the luggage, which promises, from its minuteness,
+to last for the three months you destined to spend in Switzerland.  At
+the end of an hour you discover that the soi disant commissionaire will
+transact all this affair for a few francs; and, after a tiresome wait in
+a filthy room, jostled, elbowed, and trampled upon, by boors with sabots,
+you adjourn to your inn, and begin to feel that you are not in England.
+
+Our little party had but few of the miseries here recounted to contend
+with.  My "savoir faire," with all modesty be it spoken, has been long
+schooled in the art and practice of travelling; and while our less
+experienced fellow-travellers were deep in the novel mysteries of cotton
+stockings and petticoats, most ostentatiously displayed upon every table
+of the Bureau, we were comfortably seated in the handsome saloon of the
+Hotel du Nord, looking out upon a pretty grass plot, surrounded with
+orange trees, and displaying in the middle a jet d'eau about the size of
+a walking stick.
+
+"Now, Mr. Lorrequer," said Mrs. Bingham, as she seated herself by the
+open window, "never forget how totally dependent we are upon your kind
+offices.  Isabella has discovered already that the French of Mountjoy
+square, however intelligible in that neighbourhood, and even as far as
+Mount-street, is Coptic and Sanscrit here; and as for myself, I intend to
+affect deaf and dumbness till I reach Paris, where I hear every one can
+speak English a little."
+
+"Now, then, to begin my functions," said I, as I rung for the waiter, and
+ran over in my mind rapidly how many invaluable hints for my new position
+my present trip might afford me, "always provided" (as the lawyers say,)
+that Lady Jane Callonby might feel herself tempted to become my
+travelling companion, in which case--But, confound it, how I am
+castle-building again.  Meanwhile, Mrs. Bingham is looking as hungry and
+famished as though she would eat the waiter.  Ha! this is the "carte."
+
+"Allons faire petit souper."
+
+"Cotelettes d'Agneau."
+
+"Maionnaise d'homard."
+
+"Perdreaux rouges aux truffes--mark that, aux truffes."
+
+"Gelee au maraschin."
+
+"And the wine, sir," said the waiter, with a look of approval at my
+selection, "Champagne--no other wine, sir?"
+
+"No," said I, "Champagne only.  Frappe de glace, of course," I added, and
+the waiter departed with a bow that would have graced St. James's.
+
+As long as our immaterial and better part shall be doomed to keep company
+with its fleshy tabernacle, with all its attendant miseries of gout and
+indigestion, how much of our enjoyment in this world is dependent upon
+the mere accessory circumstances by which the business of life is carried
+on and maintained, and to despise which is neither good policy nor sound
+philosophy.  In this conclusion a somewhat long experience of the life of
+a traveller has fully established me.  And no where does it press more
+forcibly upon the mind than when first arrived in a continental inn,
+after leaving the best hotels of England still fresh in your memory.  I
+do not for a moment dispute the very great superiority in comfort of the
+latter, by which I would be understood to mean all those resemblances to
+one's own home which an English hotel so eminently possesses, and every
+other one so markedly wants; but I mean that in contrivances to elevate
+the spirit, cheer the jaded and tired wayfarer by objects which, however
+they may appeal to the mere senses, seem, at least, but little sensual,
+give me a foreign inn; let me have a large spacious saloon, with its
+lofty walls and its airy, large-paned windows, (I shall not object if the
+cornices and mouldings be gilded, because such is usually the case,)--let
+the sun and heat of a summer's day come tempered through the deep
+lattices of a well-fitting "jalousie," bearing upon them the rich incense
+of a fragrant orange tree in blossom--and the sparkling drops of a
+neighbouring fountain, the gentle plash of which is faintly audible amid
+the hum of the drone-bee--let such be the "agremens" without--while
+within, let the more substantial joys of the table await, in such guise
+as only a French cuisine can present them--give me these, I say, and I
+shall never sigh for the far-famed and long-deplored comforts of a box in
+a coffee-room, like a pew in a parish church, though certainly not so
+well cushioned, and fully as dull, with a hot waiter and a cold
+beefsteak--the only thing higher than your game being your bill, and the
+only thing less drinkable than your port being the porter.
+
+With such exotic notions, figures vous, my dear reader, whether or not I
+felt happy as I found myself seated between my two fair friends doing the
+honours of a little supper, and assisting the exhilaration of our
+champagne by such efforts of wit as, under favourable circumstances like
+these, are ever successful--and which, being like the foaming liquid
+which washes them down, to be swallowed without waiting, are ever
+esteemed good, from the excitement that results, and never seriously
+canvassed for any more sterling merit.  Nothing ever makes a man so
+agreeable as the belief that he is so: and certainly my fair companions
+appeared to have the most excellent idea of my powers in that respect;
+and I fancy, that I made more bon mots, hit off more epigrams, and
+invented more choice incidents on that happy evening, than, if now
+remembered, would suffice to pay my tailor's bill, when collated for
+Bentley's Miscellany, and illustrated by Cruikshank--alas! that, like the
+good liquor that seasoned them, both are gone by, and I am left but to
+chronicle their memory of the fun, in dulness, and counterfeit the
+effervescence of the grape juice, by soda water.  One thing, however, is
+certain--we formed a most agreeable party; and if a feeling of gloom ever
+momentarily shot through my mind, it was, that evenings like these came
+so rarely in this work-a-day world--that each such should be looked on,
+as our last.
+
+If I had not already shown myself up to my reader as a garcon volage of
+the first water, perhaps I should now hesitate about confessing that I
+half regretted the short space during which it should be my privilege to
+act as the guide and mentor of my two friends.  The impetuous haste which
+I before felt necessary to exercise in reaching Paris immediately, was
+not tempered by prudent thoughts about travelling at night, and
+reflections about sun-stroke by day; and even moments most devoted to the
+object of my heart's aspirations were fettered by the very philosophic
+idea, that it could never detract from the pleasure of the happiness that
+awaited me, if I travelled on the primrose path to its attainment.  I
+argued thus: if Lady Jane be true--if--if, in a word, I am destined to
+have any success in the Callonby family, then will a day or two more not
+risk it.  My present friends I shall, of course, take leave of at Paris,
+where their own acquaintances await them; and, on the other hand, should
+I be doomed once more to disappointment, I am equally certain I should
+feel no disposition to form a new attachment.  Thus did I reason, and
+thus I believed; and though I was a kind of consultation opinion among my
+friends in "suits of love," I was really then unaware that at no time is
+a man so prone to fall in love as immediately after his being jilted.  If
+common sense will teach us not to dance a bolero upon a sprained ancle,
+so might it also convey the equally important lesson, not to expose our
+more vital and inflammatory organ to the fire the day after its being
+singed.
+
+Reflections like these did not occur to me at this moment; besides that I
+was "going the pace" with a forty-horse power of agreeability that left
+me little time for thought--least of all, if serious.  So stood matters.
+I had just filled our tall slender glasses with the creaming and
+"petillan" source of wit and inspiration, when the loud crack, crack,
+crack of a postillion's whip, accompanied by the shaking trot of a heavy
+team, and the roll of wheels, announced a new arrival.  "Here they come,"
+said I, "only look at them--four horses and one postillion, all
+apparently straggling and straying after their own fancy, but yet going
+surprisingly straight notwithstanding.  See how they come through that
+narrow archway--it might puzzle the best four-in-hand in England to do it
+better."
+
+"What a handsome young man, if he had not those odious moustaches.  Why,
+Mr. Lorrequer, he knows you: see, he is bowing to you."
+
+"Me!  Oh! no.  Why, surely, it must be--the devil--it is Kilkee, Lady
+Jane's brother.  I know his temper well.  One five minutes' observation
+of my present intimacy with my fair friends, and adieu to all hopes for
+me of calling Lord Callonby my father-in-law.  There is not therefore, a
+moment to lose."
+
+As these thoughts revolved through my mind, the confusion I felt had
+covered my face with scarlet; and, with a species of blundering apology
+for abruptly leaving them for a moment, I ran down stairs only in time
+sufficient to anticipate Kilkee's questions as to the number of my
+apartments, to which he was desirous of proceeding at once.  Our first
+greetings over, Kilkee questioned me as to my route--adding, that his now
+was necessarily an undecided one, for if his family happened not to be at
+Paris, he should be obliged to seek after them among the German
+watering-places.  "In any case, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, "we shall hunt
+them in couples.  I must insist upon your coming along with me."
+
+"Oh! that," said I, "you must not think of.  Your carriage is a coupe,
+and I cannot think of crowding you."
+
+"Why, you don't seriously want to affront me, I hope, for I flatter
+myself that a more perfect carriage for two people cannot be built.
+Hobson made it on a plan of my own, and I am excessively proud of it,
+I assure you.  Come, that matter is decided--now for supper.  Are there
+many English here just now?--By-the-by, those new 'natives' I think I saw
+you standing with on the balcony--who are they?"
+
+"Oh! the ladies--oh! Yes, people I came over with--"
+
+"One was pretty, I fancied.  Have you supped?  Just order something, will
+you--meanwhile, I shall write a few lines before the post leaves."
+--Saying which, he dashed up stairs after the waiter, and left me to my
+meditations.
+
+"This begins to be pleasant," thought I, as the door closed, leaving me
+alone in the "salon."  In circumstances of such moment, I had never felt
+so nonplussed as now, how to decline Kilkee's invitation, without
+discovering my intimacy with the Binghams--and yet I could not, by any
+possibility, desert them thus abruptly.  Such was the dilemma.  "I see
+but one thing for it," said I, gloomily, as I strode through the
+coffee-room, with my head sunk and my hands behind my back--"I see but
+one thing left--I must be taken ill to-night, and not be able to leave
+my bed in the morning--a fever--a contagious fever--blue and red spots
+all over me--and be raving wildly before breakfast time; and if ever
+any discovery takes place of my intimacy above stairs, I must only
+establish it as a premonitory symptom of insanity, which seized me in
+the packet.  And now for a doctor that will understand my case, and
+listen to reason, as they would call it in Ireland."  With this idea
+uppermost, I walked out into the court-yard to look for a commissionaire
+to guide me in my search. Around on every side of me stood the various
+carriages and voitures of the hotel and its inmates, to the full as
+distinctive and peculiar in character as their owners.  "Ah! there is
+Kilkee's," said I, as my eye lighted upon the well-balanced and elegant
+little carriage which he had been only with justice encomiumizing.  "It
+is certainly perfect, and yet I'd give a handful of louis-d'ors it was
+like that venerable cabriolet yonder, with the one wheel and no shafts.
+But, alas! these springs give little hope of a break down, and that
+confounded axle will outlive the patentee.  But still, can nothing be
+done?--eh?  Come, the thought is a good one--I say, garcon, who greases
+the wheels of the carriage here?"
+
+"C'est moi, monsieur," said a great oaf, in wooden shoes and a blouse.
+
+"Well, then, do you understand these?" said I, touching the patent
+axle-boxes with my cane.
+
+He shook his head.
+
+"Then who does, here?"
+
+"Ah!  Michael understands them perfectly."
+
+"Then bring him here," said I.
+
+In a few minutes, a little shrewd old fellow, with a smith's apron, made
+his appearance, and introduced himself as M. Michael.  I had not much
+difficulty in making him master of my plan, which was, to detach one of
+the wheels as if for the purpose of oiling the axle, and afterwards
+render it incapable of being replaced--at least for twenty-four hours.
+
+"This is my idea," said I; "nevertheless, do not be influenced by me.
+All I ask is, disable the carriage from proceeding to-morrow, and here
+are three louis-d'ors at your service."
+
+"Soyez bien tranquille, monsieur, mi lor' shall spend to-morrow in
+Calais, if I know any thing of my art"--saying which he set out in search
+of his tools, while I returned to the salon with my mind relieved, and
+fully prepared to press the urgency of my reaching Paris without any
+delay.
+
+"Well, Mr. Lorrequer," said Kilkee, as I entered, "here is supper
+waiting, and I am as hungry as a wolf."
+
+"Oh! I beg pardon--I've been getting every thing in readiness for our
+start to-morrow morning, for I have not told you how anxious I am to get
+to Paris before the 8th--some family business, which requires my looking
+after, compelling me to do so."
+
+"As to that, let your mind be at rest, for I shall travel to-morrow night
+if you prefer it.  Now for the Volnay.  Why you are not drinking your
+wine.  What do you say to our paying our respects to the fair ladies
+above stairs?  I am sure the petits soins you have practised coming over
+would permit the liberty."
+
+"Oh! hang it, no.  There's neither of them pretty, and I should rather
+avoid the risk of making a regular acquaintance with them" said I.
+
+"As you like, then--only, as you'll not take any wine, let us have a
+stroll through the town."
+
+After a short stroll through the town, in which Kilkee talked the entire
+time, but of what I know not, my thoughts being upon my own immediate
+concerns, we returned to the hotel.  As we entered the porte-couchere, my
+friend Michael passed me, and as he took off his hat in salutation, gave
+me one rapid glance of his knowing eye that completely satisfied me that
+Hobson's pride in my friend's carriage had by that time received quite
+sufficient provocation to throw him into an apoplexy.
+
+"By-the-by," said I, "let us see your carriage.  I am curious to look at
+it"--(and so I was.)
+
+"Well, then come along, this way; they have placed it under some of these
+sheds, which they think coach-houses."
+
+I followed my friend through the court till we arrived near the fatal
+spot; but before reaching, he had caught a glimpse of the mischief, and
+shouted out a most awful imprecation upon the author of the deed which
+met his eye.  The fore-wheel of the coupe had been taken from the axle,
+and in the difficulty of so doing, from the excellence of the
+workmanship, two of the spokes were broken--the patent box was a mass of
+rent metal, and the end of the axle turned downwards like a hoe.
+
+I cannot convey any idea of poor Kilkee's distraction; and, in reality,
+my own was little short of it; for the wretch had so far out-stripped my
+orders, that I became horrified at the cruel destruction before me.  We
+both, therefore, stormed in the most imposing English and French, first
+separately and then together.  We offered a reward for the apprehension
+of the culprit, whom no one appeared to know, although, as it happened,
+every one in a large household was aware of the transaction but the
+proprietor himself.  We abused all--innkeeper, waiters, ostlers, and
+chambermaids, collectively and individually--condemned Calais as a den of
+iniquity, and branded all Frenchmen as rogues and vagabonds.  This seemed
+to alleviate considerably my friend's grief, and excite my thirst
+--fortunately, perhaps for us; for if our eloquence had held out much
+longer, I am afraid our auditory might have lost their patience; and,
+indeed, I am quite certain if our French had not been in nearly as
+disjointed a condition as the spokes of the caleche, such must have been
+the case.
+
+"Well, Mr. Lorrequer, I suppose, then, we are not destined to be
+fellow-travellers--for if you must go to-morrow--"
+
+"Alas! It is imperative," said I.
+
+"Then in any case, let us arrange where we shall meet, for I hope to be
+in Paris the day after you."
+
+"I'll stop at Meurice."
+
+"Meurice, be it," said he, "so now good night, till we meet in Paris."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Vol. 4
+
+[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]
+
+
+Dublin
+
+MDCCCXXXIX.
+
+
+
+Volume 4. (Chapter XXIV-XXVIII)
+
+
+Contents:
+
+CHAPTER XXIV
+The Gen d'Arme
+
+CHAPTER XXV
+The Inn at Chantraine
+
+CHAPTER XXVI
+Mr O'Leary
+
+CHAPTER XXVII
+Paris
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII
+Paris
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIV.
+
+THE GEN D'ARME.
+
+I had fortunately sufficient influence upon my fair friends to persuade
+them to leave Calais early on the morning following; and two hours before
+Kilkee had opened his eyes upon this mortal life, we were far upon the
+road to Paris.
+
+Having thus far perfectly succeeded in my plot, my spirit rose rapidly,
+and I made every exertion to make the road appear short to my
+fellow-travellers.  This part of France is unfortunately deficient in any
+interest from scenery; large undivided tracts of waving cornfields, with
+a back-ground of apparently interminable forests, and occasionally, but
+rarely, the glimpse of some old time-worn chateau, with its pointed gable
+and terraced walk, are nearly all that the eye can detect in the
+intervals between the small towns and villages.  Nothing, however, is
+"flat or unprofitable" to those who desire to make it otherwise; good
+health, good spirits, and fine weather, are wonderful travelling
+companions, and render one tolerably independent of the charms of
+scenery.  Every mile that separated me from Calais, and took away the
+chance of being overtaken, added to my gaiety, and I flatter myself that
+a happier party have rarely travelled that well frequented road.
+
+We reached Abbeville to dinner, and adjourned to the beautiful little
+garden of the inn for our coffee; the evening was so delightful that I
+proposed to walk on the Paris road, until the coming up of the carriage,
+which required a screw, or a washer, or some such trifle as always occurs
+in French posting.  To this la chere mamma objected, she being tired, but
+added, that Isabella and I might go on, and that she would take us up in
+half an hour.  This was an arrangement so very agreeable and unlooked for
+by me, that I pressed Miss Bingham as far as I well could, and at last
+succeeded in overcoming her scruples, and permitting me to shawl her.
+One has always a tremendous power of argument with the uninitiated
+abroad, by a reference to a standard of manners and habits totally
+different from our own.  Thus the talismanic words--"Oh! don't be
+shocked; remember you are in France," did more to satisfy my young
+friend's mind than all I could have said for an hour.  Little did she
+know that in England only, has an unmarried young lady any liberty, and
+that the standard of foreign propriety on this head is far, very far more
+rigid than our own.
+
+"La premiere Rue a gauche," said an old man of whom I inquired the road;
+"et puis," added I.
+
+"And then quite straight; it is a chaussee all the way, and you cannot
+mistake it."
+
+"Now for it, mademoiselle," said I.  "Let us try if we cannot see a good
+deal of the country before the carriage comes up."
+
+We had soon left the town behind and reached a beautifully shaded high
+road, with blossoming fruit trees, and honeysuckle-covered cottages;
+there had been several light showers during the day, and the air had all
+the fresh fragrant feeling of an autumn evening, so tranquillizing and
+calming that few there are who have not felt at some time or other of
+their lives, its influence upon their minds.  I fancied my fair companion
+did so, for, as she walked beside me, her silence, and the gentle
+pressure of her arm, were far more eloquent than words.
+
+If that extraordinary flutter and flurry of sensations which will now and
+then seize you, when walking upon a lonely country road with a pretty
+girl for your companion, whose arm is linked in yours, and whose
+thoughts, as far you can guess at least, are travelling the same path
+with your own--if this be animal magnetism, or one of its phenomena, then
+do I swear by Mesmer, whatever it be, delusion or otherwise, it has given
+me the brightest moments of my life--these are the real "winged dreams"
+of pleasures which outlive others of more absorbing and actual interest
+at the time.  After all, for how many of our happiest feelings are we
+indebted to the weakness of our nature.  The man that is wise at
+nineteen, "Je l'en fais mon compliment," but I assuredly do not envy him;
+and now, even now, when I number more years than I should like to
+"confess," rather than suffer the suspicious watchfulness of age to creep
+on me, I prefer to "go on believing," even though every hour of the day
+should show me, duped and deceived.  While I plead guilty to this
+impeachment, let me show mitigation, that it has its enjoyments--first,
+although I am the most constant and devoted man breathing, as a very
+cursory glance at these confessions may prove, yet I have never been able
+to restrain myself from a propensity to make love, merely as a pastime.
+The gambler that sits down to play cards, or hazard against himself, may
+perhaps be the only person that can comprehend this tendency of mine.  We
+both of us are playing for nothing (or love, which I suppose is
+synonymous;) we neither of us put forth our strength; for that very
+reason, and in fact like the waiter at Vauxhall who was complimented upon
+the dexterity with which he poured out the lemonade, and confessed that
+he spent his mornings "practising with vater," we pass a considerable
+portion of our lives in a mimic warfare, which, if it seem unprofitable,
+is, nevertheless, pleasant.
+
+After all this long tirade, need I say how our walk proceeded?  We had
+fallen into a kind of discussion upon the singular intimacy which had so
+rapidly grown up amongst us, and which years long might have failed to
+engender.  Our attempts to analyse the reasons for, and the nature of the
+friendship thus so suddenly established--a rather dangerous and difficult
+topic, when the parties are both young--one eminently handsome, and the
+other disposed to be most agreeable.  Oh, my dear young friends of either
+sex, whatever your feelings be for one another, keep them to yourselves;
+I know of nothing half so hazardous as that "comparing of notes" which
+sometimes happens.  Analysis is a beautiful thing in mathematics or
+chemistry, but it makes sad havoc when applied to the "functions of the
+heart."
+
+"Mamma appears to have forgotten us," said Isabella, as she spoke, after
+walking for some time in silence beside me.
+
+"Oh, depend upon it, the carriage has taken all this time to repair; but
+are you tired?"
+
+"Oh, by no means; the evening is delightful, but--"
+
+"Then perhaps you are ennuyee," said I, half pettishly, to provoke a
+disclaimer if possible.  To this insidiously put quere I received, as I
+deserved, no answer, and again we sauntered on without speaking.
+
+"To whom does that chateau belong, my old friend?" said I addressing a
+man on the road-side.
+
+"A Monsieur le Marquis, sir," replied he.
+
+"But what's his name, though?"
+
+"Ah, that I can't tell you," replied the man again.
+
+There you may perceive how, even yet, in provincial France, the old
+respect for the aristocracy still survives; it is sufficient that the
+possessor of that fine place is "Monsieur le Marquis;" but any other
+knowledge of who he is, and what, is superfluous.  "How far are we from
+the next village, do you know?"
+
+"About a league."
+
+"Indeed.  Why I thought 'La Scarpe' was quite near us."
+
+"Ah, you are thinking of the Amiens road."
+
+"Yes, of course; and is not this the Amiens road?"
+
+"Oh, no; the Amiens road lies beyond those low hills to the right.  You
+passed the turn at the first 'barriere'."
+
+"Is it possible we could have come wrong?"
+
+"Oh, Mr. Lorrequer, don't say so, I entreat of you."
+
+"And what road is this, then, my friend?"
+
+"This is the road to Albert and Peronne."
+
+"Unfortunately, I believe he is quite right.  Is there any crossroad from
+the village before us now, to the Amiens road?"
+
+"Yes; you can reach it about three leagues hence."
+
+"And we can get a carriage at the inn probably?"
+
+"Ah, that I am not sure of--.  Perhaps at the Lion d'or you may."
+
+"But why not go back to Abbeville?"
+
+"Oh, Mrs. Bingham must have left long since, and beside you forget the
+distance; we have been walking two hours."
+
+"Now for the village," said I, as I drew my friend's arm closer within
+mine, and we set out in a fast walk.
+
+Isabella seemed terribly frightened at the whole affair; what her mamma
+might think, and what might be her fears at not finding us on the road,
+and a hundred other encouraging reflections of this nature she poured
+forth unceasingly.  As for myself, I did not know well what to think of
+it; my old fondness for adventure being ever sufficiently strong in me to
+give a relish to any thing which bore the least resemblance to one.  This
+I now concealed, and sympathised with my fair friend upon our mishap, and
+assuring her, at the same time, that there could be no doubt of our
+overtaking Mrs. Bingham before her arrival at Amiens.
+
+"Ah, there is the village in the valley; how beautifully situated."
+
+"Oh, I can't admire any thing now, Mr. Lorrequer, I am so frightened."
+
+"But surely without cause," said I, looking tenderly beneath her bonnet.
+
+"Is this," she answered, "nothing," and we walked on in silence again.
+
+On reaching the Lion d'or we discovered that the only conveyance to be
+had was a species of open market-cart drawn by two horses, and in which
+it was necessary that my fair friend and myself should seat ourselves
+side by side upon straw: there was no choice, and as for Miss Bingham,
+I believe if an ass with panniers had presented itself, she would have
+preferred it to remaining where she was.  We therefore took our places,
+and she could not refrain from laughing as we set out upon our journey in
+this absurd equipage, every jolt of which threw us from side to side, and
+rendered every attention on my part requisite to prevent her being upset.
+
+After about two hours' travelling we arrived at the Amiens road, and
+stopped at the barriere.  I immediately inquired if a carriage had
+passed, resembling Mrs. Bingham's, and learned that it had, about an hour
+before, and that the lady in it had been informed that two persons, like
+those she asked after, had been seen in a caleche driving rapidly to
+Amiens, upon which she set out as fast as possible in pursuit.
+
+"Certainly," said I, "the plot is thickening; but for that unlucky
+mistake she might in all probability have waited here for us.  Amiens is
+only two leagues now, so our drive will not be long, and before six
+o'clock we shall all be laughing over the matter as a very good joke."
+
+On we rattled, and as the road became less frequented, and the shadows
+lengthened, I could not but wonder at the strange situations which the
+adventurous character of my life had so often involved me in.  Meanwhile,
+my fair friend's spirits became more and more depressed, and it was not
+without the greatest difficulty I was enabled to support her courage.  I
+assured her, and not altogether without reason, that though so often in
+my eventful career accidents were occurring which rendered it dubious and
+difficult to reach the goal I aimed at, yet the results had so often been
+more pleasant than I could have anticipated, that I always felt a kind of
+involuntary satisfaction at some apparent obstacle to my path, setting it
+down as some especial means of fortune, to heighten the pleasure awaiting
+me; "and now," added I, "even here, perhaps, in this very mistake of our
+road--the sentiments I have heard--the feelings I have given utterance
+to--"  What I was about to say, heaven knows--perhaps nothing less than a
+downright proposal was coming; but at that critical moment a gen-d'arme
+rode up to the side of our waggon, and surveyed us with the peculiarly
+significant scowl his order is gifted with.  After trotting alongside for
+a few seconds he ordered the driver to halt, and, turning abruptly to us,
+demanded our passports.  Now our passports were, at that precise moment,
+peaceably reposing in the side pocket of Mrs. Bingham's carriage; I
+therefore explained to the gen-d'arme how we were circumstanced, and
+added, that on arriving at Amiens the passport should be produced.  To
+this he replied that all might be perfectly true, but he did not believe
+a word of it--that he had received an order for the apprehension of two
+English persons travelling that road--and that he should accordingly
+request our company back to Chantraine, the commissionaire of which place
+was his officer.
+
+"But why not take us to Amiens," said I; "particularly when I tell you
+that we can then show our passports?"
+
+"I belong to the Chantraine district," was the laconic answer; and like
+the gentleman who could not weep at the sermon because he belonged to
+another parish, this specimen of a French Dogberry would not hear reason
+except in his own "commune."
+
+No arguments which I could think of had any effect upon him, and amid a
+volley of entreaty and imprecation, both equally vain, we saw ourselves
+turn back upon the road to Amiens, and set out at a round trot to
+Chantraine, on the road to Calais.
+
+Poor Isabella, I really pitied her; hitherto her courage had been
+principally sustained by the prospect of soon reaching Amiens; now there
+was no seeing where our adventure was to end.  Besides that, actual
+fatigue from the wretched conveyance began to distress her, and she was
+scarcely able to support herself, though assisted by my arm.  What a
+perilous position mine, whispering consolation and comfort to a pretty
+girl on a lonely road, the only person near being one who comprehended
+nothing of the language we spoke in.  Ah, how little do we know of fate,
+and how often do we despise circumstances that determine all our fortunes
+in the world.  To think that a gen-d'arme should have any thing to do
+with my future lot in life, and that the real want of a passport to
+travel should involve the probable want of a licence to marry.  Yes, it
+is quite in keeping, thought I, with every step I have taken through
+life.  I may be brought before the "maire" as a culprit, and leave him as
+a Benedict.
+
+On reaching the town, we were not permitted to drive to the inn, but at
+once conveyed to the house of the "commissaire," who was also the "maire"
+of the district.  The worthy functionary was long since in bed, and it
+was only after ringing violently for half an hour that a head, surmounted
+with a dirty cotton night-cap, peeped from an upper window, and seemed to
+survey the assemblage beneath with patient attention.  By this time a
+considerable crowd had collected from the neighbouring ale-houses and
+cabarets, who deemed it a most fitting occasion to honour us with the
+most infernal yells and shouts, as indicating their love of justice, and
+delight in detecting knavery; and that we were both involved in such
+suspicion, we had not long to learn.  Meanwhile the poor old maire, who
+had been an employe in the stormy days of the revolution, and also under
+Napoleon, and who full concurred with Swift that "a crowd is a mob, if
+composed even of bishops," firmly believed that the uproar beneath in the
+street was the announcement of a new change of affairs at Paris,
+determined to be early in the field, and shouted therefore with all his
+lungs--"vive le peuple"--"Vive la charte"--"A bas les autres."  A
+tremendous shout of laughter saluted this exhibition of unexpected
+republicanism, and the poor maire retired from the window, having learned
+his mistake, covered with shame and confusion.
+
+Before the mirth caused by this blunder had subsided, the door had
+opened, and we were ushered into the bureau of the commissaire,
+accompanied by the anxious crowd, all curious to know the particulars of
+our crime.
+
+The maire soon appeared, his night-cap being replaced by a small black
+velvet skull-cap, and his lanky figure enveloped in a tarnished silk
+dressing-gown; he permitted us to be seated, while the gen-d'arme
+recounted the suspicious circumstances of our travelling, and produced
+the order to arrest an Englishman and his wife who had arrived in one of
+the late Boulogne packets, and who had carried off from some
+banking-house money and bills for a large amount.
+
+"I have no doubt these are the people," said the gen-d'arme; "and here is
+the 'carte descriptive.'  Let us compare it--'Forty-two or forty-three
+years of age.'"
+
+"I trust, M. le Maire," said I, overhearing this, "that ladies do not
+recognize me as so much."
+
+"Of a pale and cadaverous aspect," continued the gen-d'arme.
+
+Upon this the old functionary, wiping his spectacles with a snuffy
+handkerchief, as if preparing them to examine an eclipse of the sun,
+regarded me fixedly for several minutes, and said--"Oh, yes, I perceive
+it plainly; continue the description."
+
+"Five feet three inches," said the gen-d'arme.
+
+"Six feet one in England, whatever this climate may have done since."
+
+"Speaks broken and bad French."
+
+"Like a native," said I; "at least so said my friends in the chaussee
+D'Antin, in the year fifteen."
+
+Here the catalogue ended, and a short conference between the maire and
+the gen-d'arme ensued, which ended in our being committed for examination
+on the morrow; meanwhile we were to remain at the inn, under the
+surveillance of the gen-d'arme.
+
+On reaching the inn my poor friend was so completely exhausted that she
+at once retired to her room, and I proceeded to fulfil a promise I had
+made her to despatch a note to Mrs. Bingham at Amiens by a special
+messenger, acquainting her with all our mishaps, and requesting her to
+come or send to our assistance.  This done, and a good supper smoking
+before me, of which with difficulty I persuaded Isabella to partake in
+her own room, I again regained my equanimity, and felt once more at ease.
+
+The gen-d'arme in whose guardianship I had been left was a fine specimen
+of his caste; a large and powerfully built man of about fifty, with an
+enormous beard of grizzly brown and grey hair, meeting above and beneath
+his nether lip; his eyebrows were heavy and beetling, and nearly
+concealed his sharp grey eyes, while a deep sabre-wound had left upon his
+cheek a long white scar, giving a most warlike and ferocious look to his
+features.
+
+As he sat apart from me for some time, silent and motionless, I could not
+help imagining in how many a hard-fought day he had borne a part, for he
+evidently, from his age and bearing, had been one of the soldiers of the
+empire.  I invited him to partake of my bottle of Medoc, by which he
+seemed flattered.  When the flask became low, and was replaced by
+another, he appeared to have lost much of his constrained air, and
+seemed forgetting rapidly the suspicious circumstances which he supposed
+attached to me--waxed wondrous confidential and communicative, and
+condescended to impart some traits of a life which was not without its
+vicissitudes, for he had been, as I suspected, one of the "Guarde"--the
+old guarde--was wounded at Marengo, and received the croix d'honneur in
+the field of Wagram, from the hands of the Emperor himself.  The headlong
+enthusiasm of attachment to Napoleon, which his brief and stormy career
+elicited even from those who suffered long and deeply in his behalf, is
+not one of the least singular circumstances which this portion of history
+displays.  While the rigours of the conscription had invaded every family
+in France, from Normandie to La Vendee--while the untilled fields, the
+ruined granaries, the half-deserted villages, all attested the
+depopulation of the land, those talismanic words, "l'Empereur et la
+gloire," by some magic mechanism seemed all-sufficient not only to
+repress regret and suffering, but even stimulate pride, and nourish
+valour; and even yet, when it might be supposed that like the brilliant
+glass of a magic lantern, the gaudy pageant had passed away, leaving only
+the darkness and desolation behind it--the memory of those days under the
+empire survives untarnished and unimpaired, and every sacrifice of
+friends or fortune is accounted but little in the balance when the honour
+of La Belle France, and the triumphs of the grand "armee," are weighted
+against them.  The infatuated and enthusiastic followers of this great
+man would seem, in some respects, to resemble the drunkard in the
+"Vaudeville," who alleged as his excuse for drinking, that whenever he
+was sober his poverty disgusted him.  "My cabin," said he, "is a cell, my
+wife a mass of old rags, my child a wretched object of misery and malady.
+But give me brandy; let me only have that, and then my hut is a palace,
+my wife is a princess, and my child the very picture of health and
+happiness;" so with these people--intoxicated with the triumphs of their
+nation, "tete monte" with victory--they cannot exist in the horror of
+sobriety which peace necessarily enforces; and whenever the subject turns
+in conversation upon the distresses of the time or the evil prospects of
+the country, they call out, not like the drunkard, for brandy, but in the
+same spirit they say--"Ah, if you would again see France flourishing and
+happy, let us once more have our croix d'honneur, our epaulettes, our
+voluntary contributions, our Murillos, our Velasquez, our spoils from
+Venice, and our increased territories to rule over."  This is the
+language of the Buonapartiste every where, and at all seasons; and the
+mass of the nation is wonderfully disposed to participate in the
+sentiment.  The empire was the Aeneid of the nation, and Napoleon the
+only hero they now believe in.  You may satisfy yourself of this easily.
+Every cafe will give evidence of it, every society bears its testimony to
+it, and even the most wretched Vaudeville, however, trivial the interest
+--however meagre the story, and poor the diction, let the emperor but
+have his "role"--let him be as laconic as possible, carry his hands
+behind his back, wear the well-known low cocked-hat, and the "redingote
+gris"--the success is certain--every sentence he utters is applauded, and
+not a single allusion to the Pyramids, the sun of Austerlitz, l'honneur,
+et al vieille garde, but is sure to bring down thunders of acclamation.
+But I am forgetting myself, and perhaps my reader too; the conversation
+of the old gen-d'arme accidentally led me into reflections like these,
+and he was well calculated, in many ways, to call them forth.  His
+devoted attachment--his personal love of the emperor--of which he gave me
+some touching instances, was admirably illustrated by an incident, which
+I am inclined to tell, and hope it may amuse the reader as much as it did
+myself on hearing it.
+
+When Napoleon had taken possession of the papal dominions, as he
+virtually did, and carried off the pope, Pius VI, to Paris, this old
+soldier, then a musketeer in the garde, formed part of the company that
+mounted guard over the holy father.  During the earlier months of the
+holy father's confinement he was at liberty to leave his apartments at
+any hour he pleased, and cross the court-yard of the palace to the chapel
+where he performed mass.  At such moments the portion of the Imperial
+Guard then on duty stood under arms, and received from the august hand of
+the pope his benediction as he passed.  But one morning a hasty express
+arrived from the Tuilleries, and the officer on duty communicated his
+instructions to his party, that the apostolic vicar was not to be
+permitted to pass, as heretofore, to the chapel, and that a most rigid
+superintendence was to be exercised over his movements.  My poor
+companion had his turn for duty on that ill-starred day; he had not been
+long at his post when the sound of footsteps was heard approaching, and
+he soon saw the procession which always attended the holy father to his
+devotions, advancing towards him; he immediately placed himself across
+the passage, and with his musket in rest barred the exit, declaring, at
+the same time, that such were his orders. In vain the priests who formed
+the cortege addressed themselves to his heart, and spoke to his feelings,
+and at last finding little success by these methods, explained to him the
+mortal sin and crime for which eternal damnation itself might not be a
+too heavy retribution if he persisted in preventing his holiness to pass,
+and thus be the means of opposing an obstacle to the head of the whole
+Catholic church, for celebrating the mass; the soldier remained firm and
+unmoved, the only answer he returned being, "that he had his orders, and
+dared not disobey them."  The pope, however, persisted in his resolution,
+and endeavoured to get by, when the hardy veteran retreated a step, and
+placing his musket and bayonet at the charge, called out "au nom de
+l'Empereur," when the pious party at last yielded and slowly retired
+within the palace.
+
+Not many days after, this severe restriction was recalled, and once more
+the father was permitted to go to and from the chapel of the palace, at
+such times as he pleased, and again, as before, in passing the corridor,
+the guards presented arms and received the holy benediction, all except
+one; upon him the head of the church frowned severely, and turned his
+back, while extending his pious hands towards the others.  "And yet,"
+said the poor fellow in concluding his story, "and yet I could not have
+done otherwise; I had my orders and must have followed them, and had the
+emperor commanded it, I should have run my bayonet through the body of
+the holy father himself.
+
+"Thus, you see, my dear sir, how I have loved the emperor, for I have
+many a day stood under fire for him in this world, 'et il faut que
+j'aille encore au feu pour lui apres ma mort.'."
+
+He received in good part the consolations I offered him on this head, but
+I plainly saw they did not, could not relieve his mind from the horrible
+conviction he lay under, that his soul's safety for ever had been
+bartered for his attachment to the emperor.
+
+This story had brought us to the end of the third bottle of Medoc; and,
+as I was neither the pope, nor had any very decided intentions of saying
+mass, he offered no obstacle to my retiring for the night, and betaking
+myself to my bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXV.
+
+THE INN AT CHANTRAINE.
+
+When contrasted with the comforts of an English bed-room in a good hotel,
+how miserably short does the appearance of a French one fall in the
+estimation of the tired traveller.  In exchange for the carpeted floor,
+the well-curtained windows, the richly tapestried bed, the well cushioned
+arm-chair, and the innumerable other luxuries which await him; he has
+nought but a narrow, uncurtained bed, a bare floor, occasionally a
+flagged one, three hard cane-bottomed chairs, and a looking-glass which
+may convey an idea of how you would look under the combined influence of
+the cholera, and a stroke of apoplexy, one half of your face being twice
+the length of the other, and the entire of it of a bluish-green
+tint--pretty enough in one of Turner's landscapes, but not at all
+becoming when applied to the "human face divine."  Let no late arrival
+from the continent contradict me here by his late experiences, which a
+stray twenty pounds and the railroads--(confound them for the same)
+--have enabled him to acquire.  I speak of matters before it occurred to
+all Charing-Cross and Cheapside to "take the water" between Dover and
+Calais, and inundate the world with the wit of the Cider Cellar, and the
+Hole in the Wall.  No!  In the days I write of, the travelled were of
+another genus, and you might dine at Very's or have your loge at "Les
+Italiens," without being dunned by your tailor at the one, or confronted
+with your washer-woman at the other.  Perhaps I have written all this in
+the spite and malice of a man who feels that his louis-d'or only goes
+half as far now as heretofore; and attributes all his diminished
+enjoyments and restricted luxuries to the unceasing current of his
+countrymen, whom fate, and the law of imprisonment for debt, impel
+hither.  Whether I am so far guilty or not, is not now the question;
+suffice it to say, that Harry Lorrequer, for reasons best known to
+himself, lives abroad, where he will be most happy to see any of his old
+and former friends who take his quarters en route; and in the words of a
+bellicose brother of the pen, but in a far different spirit, he would
+add, "that any person who feels himself here alluded to, may learn the
+author's address at his publishers."  "Now let us go back to our
+muttons," as Barney Coyle used to say in the Dublin Library formerly
+--for Barney was fond of French allusions, which occasionally too he
+gave in their own tongue, as once describing an interview with Lord
+Cloncurry, in which he broke off suddenly the conference, adding, "I
+told him I never could consent to such a proposition, and putting my
+chateau (chapeau) on my head, I left the house at once."
+
+It was nearly three o'clock in the morning, as accompanied by the
+waiter, who, like others of his tribe, had become a kind of somnambulist
+ex-officio, I wended my way up one flight of stairs, and down another,
+along a narrow corridor, down two steps, through an antechamber, and
+into another corridor, to No. 82, my habitation for the night.  Why I
+should have been so far conducted from the habitable portion of the
+house I had spent my evening in, I leave the learned in such matters to
+explain; as for me, I have ever remarked it, while asking for a chamber
+in a large roomy hotel, the singular pride with which you are ushered up
+grand stair-cases, down passages, through corridors, and up narrow back
+flights, till the blue sky is seen through the sky-light, to No. 199,
+"the only spare bed-room in the house," while the silence and desolation
+of the whole establishment would seem to imply far otherwise--the only
+evidence of occupation being a pair of dirty Wellingtons at the door of
+No. 2.
+
+"Well, we have arrived at last," said I, drawing a deep sigh, as I threw
+myself upon a ricketty chair, and surveyed rapidly my meagre-looking
+apartment.
+
+"Yes, this is Monsieur's chamber," said the waiter, with a very peculiar
+look, half servile, half droll.  "Madame se couche, No. 28."
+
+"Very well, good night," said I, closing the door hastily, and not liking
+the farther scrutiny of the fellow's eye, as he fastened it on me, as if
+to search what precise degree of relationship existed between myself and
+my fair friend, whom he had called "Madame" purposely to elicit an
+observation from me.  "Ten to one though," said I, as I undressed myself,
+"but they think she is my wife--how good--but again--ay, it is very
+possible, considering we are in France.  Numero vingt-huit, quite far
+enough from this part of the house I should suppose from my number,--that
+old gen-d'arme was a fine fellow--what strong attachment to Napoleon; and
+the story of the pope; I hope I may remember that.  Isabella, poor girl
+--this adventure must really distress her--hope she is not crying over it
+--what a devil of a hard bed--and it is not five feet long too--and,
+bless my soul, is this all by way of covering; why I shall be perished
+here. Oh! I must certainly put all my clothes over me in addition,
+unfortunately there is no hearth-rug--well, there is no help for it now
+--so let me try to sleep--numero vingt-huit."
+
+How long I remained in a kind of uneasy, fitful slumber, I cannot tell;
+but I awoke shivering with cold--puzzled to tell where I was, and my
+brain addled with the broken fragments of half a dozen dreams, all
+mingling and mixing themselves with the unpleasant realities of my
+situation.  What an infernal contrivance for a bed, thought I, as my head
+came thump against the top, while my legs projected far beyond the
+foot-rail; the miserable portion of clothing over me at the same time
+being only sufficient to temper the night air, which in autumn is
+occasionally severe and cutting.  This will never do.  I must ring the
+bell and rouse the house, if only to get a fire, if they don't possess
+such a thing as blankets.  I immediately rose, and groping my way along
+the wall endeavoured to discover the bell, but in vain; and for the same
+satisfactory reason that Von Troil did not devote one chapter of his
+work on "Iceland" to "snakes," because there were none such there.  What
+was now to be done?  About the geography of my present abode I knew,
+perhaps, as much as the public at large know about the Coppermine river
+and Behring's straits.  The world, it was true, was before me, "where
+top choose," admirable things for an epic, but decidedly an unfortunate
+circumstance for a very cold gentleman in search of a blanket.  Thus
+thinking, I opened the door of my chamber, and not in any way resolved
+how I should proceed, I stepped forth into the long corridor, which was
+dark as midnight itself.
+
+Tracing my path along the wall, I soon reached a door which I in vain
+attempted to open; in another moment I found another and another, each of
+which were locked.  Thus along the entire corridor I felt my way, making
+every effort to discover where any of the people of the house might have
+concealed themselves, but without success.  What was to be done now?  It
+was of no use to go back to my late abode, and find it comfortless as I
+left it; so I resolved to proceed in my search; by this time I had
+arrived at the top of a small flight of stairs, which I remembered having
+come up, and which led to another long passage similar to the one I had
+explored, but running in a transverse direction, down this I now crept,
+and reached the landing, along the wall of which I was guided by my hand,
+as well for safety as to discover the architrave of some friendly door,
+where the inhabitant might be sufficiently Samaritan to lend some portion
+of his bed-clothes; door after door followed in succession along this
+confounded passage, which I began to think as long as the gallery of the
+lower one; at last, however, just as my heart was sinking within me from
+disappointment, the handle of a lock turned, and I found myself inside a
+chamber.  How was I now to proceed? for if this apartment did not contain
+any of the people of the hotel, I had but a sorry excuse for disturbing
+the repose of any traveller who might have been more fortunate than
+myself in the article of blankets.  To go back however, would be absurd,
+having already taken so much trouble to find out a room that was
+inhabited--for that such was the case, a short, thick snore assured me
+--so that my resolve was at once made, to waken the sleeper, and
+endeavour to interest him in my destitute situation.  I accordingly
+approached the place where the nasal sounds seemed to issue from, and
+soon reached the post of a bed.  I waited for an instant, and then
+began,
+
+"Monsier, voulez vous bien me permettre--"
+
+"As to short whist, I never could make it out, so there is an end of it,"
+said my unknown friend, in a low, husky voice, which, strangely enough,
+was not totally unfamiliar to me: but when or how I had heard it before I
+could not then think.
+
+Well, thought I, he is an Englishman at all events, so I hope his
+patriotism may forgive my intrusion, so here goes once more to rouse him,
+though he seems a confoundedly heavy sleeper.  "I beg your pardon, sir,
+but unfortunately in a point like the present, perhaps--"
+
+"Well, do you mark the points, and I'll score the rubber," said he.
+
+"The devil take the gambling fellow's dreaming," thought I, raising my
+voice at the same time.
+
+"Perhaps a cold night, sir, may suffice as my apology."
+
+"Cold, oh, ay! put a hot poker to it," muttered he; "a hot poker, a
+little sugar, and a spice of nutmeg--nothing else--then it's delicious."
+
+"Upon my soul, this is too bad," said I to myself.  "Let us see what
+shaking will do.  Sir, sir, I shall feel obliged by--"
+
+"Well there, don't shake me, and I'll tell you where I hid the cigars
+--they are under my straw hat in the window."
+
+"Well, really," thought I, "if this gentleman's confessions were of an
+interesting nature, this might be good fun; but as the night is cold, I
+must shorten the 'seance,' so here goes for one effort more.
+
+"If, sir, you could kindly spare me even a small portion of your
+bed-clothes."
+
+"No, thank you, no more wine; but I'll sing with pleasure;" and here the
+wretch, in something like the voice of a frog with the quinsy, began,
+"'I'd mourn the hopes that leave me.'"
+
+"You shall mourn something else for the same reason," said I, as losing
+all patience, I seized quilts and blankets by the corner, and with one
+vigourous pull wrenched them from the bed, and darted from the room--in a
+second I was in the corridor, trailing my spoil behind--which in my haste
+I had not time to collect in a bundle.  I flew rather than ran along the
+passage, reached the stairs, and in another minute had reached the second
+gallery, but not before I heard the slam of a door behind me, and the
+same instant the footsteps of a person running along the corridor, who
+could be no other than my pursuer, effectually aroused by my last appeal
+to his charity.  I darted along the dark and narrow passage; but soon to
+my horror discovered that I must have passed the door of my chamber, for
+I had reached the foot of a narrow back stair, which led to the grenier
+and the servants' rooms, beneath the roof.  To turn now would only have
+led me plump in the face of my injured countryman, of whose thew and
+sinew I was perfectly ignorant, and did not much like to venture upon.
+There was little time for reflection, for he had now reached the top of
+the stair, and was evidently listening for some clue to guide him on;
+stealthily and silently, and scarcely drawing breath, I mounted the
+narrow stairs step by step, but before I had arrived at the landing, he
+heard the rustle of the bed-clothes, and again gave chace.  There was
+something in the unrelenting ardour of his pursuit, which suggested to my
+mind the idea of a most uncompromising foe; and as fear added speed to my
+steps, I dashed along beneath the low-roofed passage, wondering what
+chance of escape might yet present itself.  Just at this instant, the
+hand by which I had guided myself along the wall, touched the handle of a
+door--I turned it--it opened--I drew in my precious bundle, and closing
+the door noiselessly, sat down, breathless and still, upon the floor.
+
+Scarcely was this, the work of a second, accomplished, when the heavy
+tread of my pursuer resounded on the floor.
+
+"Upon my conscience it's strange if I haven't you now, my friend," said
+he: "you're in a cul de sac here, as they say, if I know any thing of the
+house; and faith I'll make a salad of you, when I get you, that's all.
+Devil a dirtier trick ever I heard tell of."
+
+Need I say that these words had the true smack of an Irish accent, which
+circumstance, from whatever cause, did not by any means tend to assuage
+my fears in the event of discovery.
+
+However, from such a misfortune my good genius now delivered me; for
+after traversing the passage to the end, he at last discovered another,
+which led by a long flight to the second story, down which he proceeded,
+venting at every step his determination for vengeance, and his resolution
+not to desist from the pursuit, if it took the entire night for it.
+
+"Well now," thought I, "as he will scarcely venture up here again, and as
+I may, by leaving this, be only incurring the risk of encountering him,
+my best plan is to stay where I am if it be possible."  With this intent I
+proceeded to explore the apartment, which from its perfect stillness, I
+concluded to be unoccupied.  After some few minutes groping I reached a
+low bed, fortunately empty, and although the touch of the bed-clothes led
+to no very favourable augury of its neatness or elegance, there was
+little choice at this moment, so I rolled myself up in my recent booty,
+and resolved to wait patiently for day-break to regain my apartment.
+
+As always happens in such circumstances, sleep came on me unawares
+--so at least every one's experience I am sure can testify, that if you
+are forced to awake early to start by some morning coach, and that
+unfortunately you have not got to bed till late at night, the chances
+are ten to one, that you get no sleep whatever, simply because you are
+desirous for it; but make up your mind ever so resolutely, that you'll
+not sleep, and whether your determination be built on motives of
+propriety, duty, convenience, or health, and the chances are just as
+strong that you are sound and snoring before ten minutes.
+
+How many a man has found it impossible, with every effort of his heart
+and brain aiding his good wishes, to sit with unclosed eyes and ears
+through a dull sermon in the dog-days; how many an expectant, longing
+heir has yielded to the drowsy influence when endeavouring to look
+contrite under the severe correction of a lecture on extravagance from
+his uncle.  Who has not felt the irresistible tendency to "drop off" in
+the half hour before dinner at a stupid country-house?  I need not
+catalogue the thousand other situations in life infinitely more
+"sleep-compelling" than Morphine; for myself, my pleasantest and soundest
+moments of perfect forgetfulness of this dreary world and all its cares,
+have been taken in an oaken bench, seated bolt upright and vis a vis to a
+lecturer on botany, whose calming accents, united with the softened light
+of an autumnal day, piercing its difficult rays through the narrow and
+cobwebbed windows, the odour of the recent plants and flowers aiding and
+abetting, all combined to steep the soul in sleep, and you sank by
+imperceptible and gradual steps into that state of easy slumber, in which
+"come no dreams," and the last sounds of the lecturer's "hypogenous and
+perigenous" died away, becoming beautifully less, till your senses sank
+into rest, the syllables "rigging us, rigging us," seemed to melt away in
+the distance and fade from your memory--Peace be with you, Doctor A.  If
+I owe gratitude any where I have my debt with you.  The very memory I
+bear of you has saved me no inconsiderable sum in hop and henbane.
+Without any assistance from the sciences on the present occasion, I was
+soon asleep, and woke not till the cracking of whips, and trampling of
+horses' feet on the pavement of the coach-yard apprised me that the world
+had risen to its daily labour, and so should I.  From the short survey of
+my present chamber which I took on waking, I conjectured it must have
+been the den of some of the servants of the house upon occasion--two low
+truckle-beds of the meanest description lay along the wall opposite to
+mine; one of them appeared to have been slept in during the past night,
+but by what species of animal the Fates alone can tell.  An old demi-peak
+saddle, capped and tipped with brass, some rusty bits, and stray
+stirrup-irons lay here and there upon the floor; while upon a species of
+clothes-rack, attached to a rafter, hung a tarnished suit of
+postillion's livery, cap, jacket, leathers, and jack-boots, all ready
+for use; and evidently from their arrangement supposed by the owner to
+be a rather creditable "turn out."
+
+I turned over these singular habiliments with much of the curiosity with
+which an antiquary would survey a suit of chain armour; the long
+epaulettes of yellow cotton cord, the heavy belt with its brass buckle,
+the cumbrous boots, plaited and bound with iron like churns were in
+rather a ludicrous contrast to the equipment of our light and jockey-like
+boys in nankeen jackets and neat tops, that spin along over our level
+"macadam."
+
+"But," thought I, "it is full time I should get back to No. 82, and make
+my appearance below stairs;" though in what part of the building my room
+lay, and how I was to reach it without my clothes, I had not the
+slightest idea.  A blanket is an excessively comfortable article of
+wearing apparel when in bed, but as a walking costume is by no means
+convenient or appropriate; while to making a sorti en sauvage, however
+appropriate during the night, there were many serious objections if done
+"en plein jour," and with the whole establishment awake and active; the
+noise of mopping, scrubbing, and polishing, which is eternally going
+forward in a foreign inn amply testified there was nothing which I could
+adopt in my present naked and forlorn condition, save the bizarre and
+ridiculous dress of the postillion, and I need not say the thought of so
+doing presented nothing agreeable.  I looked from the narrow window out
+upon the tiled roof, but without any prospect of being heard if I called
+ever so loudly.
+
+The infernal noise of floor-cleansing, assisted by a Norman peasant's
+"chanson du pays," the time being well marked by her heavy sabots, gave
+even less chance to me within; so that after more than half an hour
+passed in weighing difficulties, and canvassing plans, upon donning the
+blue and yellow, and setting out for my own room without delay, hoping
+sincerely, that with proper precaution, I should be able to reach it
+unseen and unobserved.
+
+As I laid but little stress upon the figure I should make in my new
+habiliments, it did not cause me much mortification to find that the
+clothes were considerably too small, the jacket scarcely coming beneath
+my arms, and the sleeves being so short that my hands and wrists
+projected beyond the cuffs like two enormous claws; the leathers were
+also limited in their length, and when drawn up to a proper height,
+permitted my knees to be seen beneath, like the short costume of a
+Spanish Tauridor, but scarcely as graceful; not wishing to encumber
+myself in the heavy and noisy masses of wood, iron, and leather, they
+call "les bottes forts," I slipped my feet into my slippers, and stole
+gently from the room.  How I must have looked at the moment I leave my
+reader to guess, as with anxious and stealthy pace I crept along the low
+gallery that led to the narrow staircase, down which I proceeded, step by
+step; but just as I reached the bottom, perceived a little distance from
+me, with her back turned towards me, a short, squat peasant on her knees,
+belabouring with a brush the well waxed floor; to pass therefore,
+unobserved was impossible, so that I did not hesitate to address her, and
+endeavour to interest her in my behalf, and enlist her as my guide.
+
+"Bon jour, ma chere," said I in a soft insinuating tone; she did not hear
+me, so I repeated,
+
+"Bon jour, ma chere, bon jour."
+
+Upon this she turned round, and looking fixedly at me for a second,
+called out in a thick pathos, "Ah, le bon Dieu! qu'il est drole comme ca,
+Francois, savez vous, mais ce n'est pas Francois;" saying which, she
+sprang from her kneeling position to her feet, and with a speed that her
+shape and sabots seemed little to promise, rushed down the stairs as if
+she had seen the devil himself.
+
+"Why, what is the matter with the woman?" said I, "surely if I am not
+Francois--which God be thanked is true--yet I cannot look so frightful as
+all this would imply."  I had not much time given me for consideration
+now, for before I had well deciphered the number over a door before me,
+the loud noise of several voices on the floor beneath attracted my
+attention, and the moment after the heavy tramp of feet followed, and in
+an instant the gallery was thronged by the men and women of the house
+--waiters, hostlers, cooks, scullions, filles de chambre, mingled with
+gens-d'armes, peasants, and town's people, all eagerly forcing their way
+up stairs; yet all on arriving at the landing-place, seemed disposed to
+keep at a respectful distance, and bundling themselves at one end of the
+corridor, while I, feelingly alive to the ridiculous appearance I made,
+occupied the other--the gravity with which they seemed at first disposed
+to regard me soon gave way, and peal after peal of laughter broke out,
+and young and old, men and women, even to the most farouche gens-d'armes,
+all appearing incapable of controlling the desire for merriment my most
+singular figure inspired; and unfortunately this emotion seemed to
+promise no very speedy conclusion; for the jokes and witticisms made upon
+my appearance threatened to renew the festivities, ad libitum.
+
+"Regardez donc ses epaules," said one.
+
+"Ah, mon Dieu!  Il me fait l'idee d'une grenouille aves ses jambes
+jaunes," cried another.
+
+"Il vaut son pesant de fromage pour une Vaudeville," said the director of
+the strolling theatre of the place.
+
+"I'll give seventy francs a week, 'd'appointment,' and 'Scribe' shall
+write a piece express for himself, if he'll take it."
+
+"May the devil fly away with your grinning baboon faces," said I, as I
+rushed up the stairs again, pursued by the mob at full cry; scarcely,
+however, had I reached the top step, when the rough hand of the
+gen-d'arme seized me by the shoulder, while he said in a low, husky
+voice, "c'est inutile, Monsieur, you cannot escape--the thing was well
+contrived, it is true; but the gens-d'armes of France are not easily
+outwitted, and you could not have long avoided detection, even in that
+dress."  It was my turn to laugh now, which, to their very great
+amazement, I did, loud and long; that I should have thought my present
+costume could ever have been the means of screening me from observation,
+however it might have been calculated to attract it, was rather too
+absurd a supposition even for the mayor of a village to entertain;
+besides, it only now occurred to me that I was figuring in the character
+of a prisoner.  The continued peals of laughing which this mistake on
+their part elicited from me seemed to afford but slight pleasure to my
+captor, who gruffly said--
+
+"When you have done amusing yourself, mon ami, perhaps you will do us the
+favour to come before the mayor."
+
+"Certainly," I replied; "but you will first permit me to resume my own
+clothes, I am quite sick of masquerading 'en postillion.'"
+
+"Not so fast, my friend," said the suspicious old follower of Fouche
+--"not so fast; it is but right the maire should see you in the disguise
+you attempted your escape in.  It must be especially mentioned in the
+proces verbal."
+
+"Well, this is becoming too ludicrous," said I.  "It need not take five
+minutes to satisfy you why, how, and where, I put on these confounded
+rags--"
+
+"Then tell it to the maire, at the Bureau."
+
+"But for that purpose it is not necessary I should be conducted through
+the streets in broad day, to be laughed at.  No, positively, I'll not go.
+In my own dress I'll accompany you with pleasure."
+
+"Victor, Henri, Guillame," said the gen-d'arme, addressing his
+companions, who immediately closed round me.  "You see," added he, "there
+is no use in resisting."
+
+Need I recount my own shame and ineffable disgrace?  Alas! it is too,
+too true.  Harry Lorrequer--whom Stultze entreated to wear his coats,
+the ornament of Hyde Park, the last appeal in dress, fashion, and
+equipage--was obliged to parade through the mob of a market-town in
+France, with four gens-d'armes for his companions, and he himself habited
+in a mongrel character--half postillion, half Delaware Indian.  The
+incessant yells of laughter--the screams of the children, and the
+outpouring of every species of sarcasm and ridicule, at my expense, were
+not all--for, as I emerged from the porte-chochere I saw Isabella in the
+window: her eyes were red with weeping; but no sooner had she beheld me,
+than she broke out into a fit of laughter that was audible even in the
+street.
+
+Rage had now taken such a hold upon me, that I forgot my ridiculous
+appearance in my thirst for vengeance.  I marched on through the grinning
+crowd, with the step of a martyr.  I suppose my heroic bearing and
+warlike deportment must have heightened the drollery of the scene; for
+the devils only laughed the more.  The bureau of the maire could not
+contain one-tenth of the anxious and curious individuals who thronged
+the entrance, and for about twenty minutes the whole efforts of the
+gens-d'armes were little enough to keep order and maintain silence.  At
+length the maire made his appearance, and accustomed as he had been for
+a long life to scenes of an absurd and extraordinary nature, yet the
+ridicule of my look and costume was too much, and he laughed outright.
+This was of course the signal for renewed mirth for the crowd, while
+those without doors, infected by the example, took up the jest, and I
+had the pleasure of a short calculation, a la Babbage, of how many
+maxillary jaws were at that same moment wagging at my expense.
+
+However, the examination commenced; and I at length obtained an
+opportunity of explaining under what circumstances I had left my room,
+and how and why I had been induced to don this confounded cause of all my
+misery.
+
+"This may be very true," said the mayor, "as it is very plausible; if you
+have evidence to prove what you have stated--"
+
+"If it's evidence only is wanting, Mr. Maire, I'll confirm one part of
+the story," said a voice in the crowd, in an accent and tone that assured
+me the speaker was the injured proprietor of the stolen blankets.  I
+turned round hastily to look at my victim, and what was my surprise to
+recognize a very old Dublin acquaintance, Mr. Fitzmaurice O'Leary.
+
+"Good morning, Mr. Lorrequer," said he; "this is mighty like our ould
+practices in College-green; but upon my conscience the maire has the
+advantage of Gabbet.  It's lucky for you I know his worship, as we'd call
+him at home, or this might be a serious business.  Nothing would persuade
+them that you were not Lucien Buonaparte, or the iron mask, or something
+of that sort, if they took it into their heads."
+
+Mr. O'Leary was as good as his word.  In a species of French, that I'd
+venture to say would be perfectly intelligible in Mullingar, he contrived
+to explain to the maire that I was neither a runaway nor a swindler, but
+a very old friend of his, and consequently sans reproche.  The official
+was now as profuse of his civilities as he had before been of his
+suspicions, and most hospitably pressed us to stay for breakfast.  This,
+for many reasons, I was obliged to decline--not the least of which was,
+my impatience to get out of my present costume. We accordingly procured a
+carriage, and I returned to the hotel, screened from the gaze but still
+accompanied by the shouts of the mob, who evidently took a most lively
+interest in the entire proceeding.
+
+I lost no time in changing my costume, and was about to descend
+to the saloon, when the master of the house came to inform me that
+Mrs. Bingham's courier had arrived with the carriage, and that she
+expected us at Amiens as soon as possible.
+
+"That is all right.  Now, Mr. O'Leary, I must pray you to forgive
+all the liberty I have taken with you, and also permit me to defer the
+explanation of many circumstances which seem at present strange, till--"
+
+"Till sine die, if the story be a long one, my dear sir--there's nothing
+I hate so much, except cold punch."
+
+"You are going to Paris," said I; "is it not so?"
+
+"Yes, I'm thinking of it.  I was up at Trolhatten, in Norway, three weeks
+ago, and I was obliged to leave it hastily, for I've an appointment with
+a friend in Geneva."
+
+"Then how do you travel?"
+
+"On foot, just as you see, except that I've a tobacco bag up stairs, and
+an umbrella."
+
+"Light equipment, certainly; but you must allow me to give you a set down
+as far as Amiens, and also to present you to my friends there."
+
+To this Mr. O'Leary made no objection; and as Miss Bingham could not bear
+any delay, in her anxiety to join her mother, we set out at once--the
+only thing to mar my full enjoyment at the moment being the sight of the
+identical vestments I had so lately figured in, bobbing up and down
+before my eyes for the whole length of the stage, and leading
+to innumerable mischievous allusions from my friend Mr. O'Leary,
+which were far too much relished by my fair companion.
+
+At twelve we arrived at Amiens, when I presented my friend Mr. O'Leary to
+Mrs. Bingham.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVI.
+
+MR. O'LEARY.
+
+At the conclusion of my last chapter I was about to introduce to my
+reader's acquaintance my friend Mr. O'Leary; and, as he is destined to
+occupy some place in the history of these Confessions, I may, perhaps, be
+permitted to do so at more length than his intrinsic merit at first sight
+might appear to warrant.
+
+Mr. O'Leary was, and I am induced to believe is, a particularly short,
+fat, greasy-looking gentleman, with a head as free from phrenological
+development as a billiard-ball, and a countenance which, in feature and
+colour, nearly resembled the face of a cherub, carved in oak, as we see
+them in old pulpits.
+
+Short as is his stature, his limbs compose the least part of it.  His
+hands and feet, forming some compensation by their ample proportions,
+with short, thick fins, vulgarly called a cobbler's thumb.  His voice
+varying in cadence from a deep barytone, to a high falsetto, maintains
+throughout the distinctive characteristic of a Dublin accent and
+pronunciation, and he talks of the "Veel of Ovoca, and a beef-steek,"
+with some price of intonation.  What part of the Island he came
+originally from, or what may be his age, are questions I have the most
+profound ignorance of; I have heard many anecdotes which would imply his
+being what the French call "d'un age mur"--but his own observations are
+generally limited to events occurring since the peace of "fifteen."  To
+his personal attractions, such as they are, he has never been solicitous
+of contributing by the meretricious aids of dress.  His coat, calculating
+from its length of waist, and ample skirt, would fit Bumbo Green, while
+his trowsers, being made of some cheap and shrinking material, have
+gradually contracted their limits, and look now exactly like
+knee-breeches, without the usual buttons at the bottom.
+
+These, with the addition of a pair of green spectacles, the glass of one
+being absent, and permitting the look-out of a sharp, grey eye, twinkling
+with drollery and good humour, form the most palpable of his externals.
+In point of character, they who best knew him represented him as the
+best-tempered, best-hearted fellow breathing; ever ready to assist a
+friend, and always postponing his own plans and his own views, when he
+had any, to the wishes and intentions of others.  Among the many odd
+things about him, was a constant preference to travelling on foot, and a
+great passion for living abroad, both of which tastes he gratified,
+although his size might seem to offer obstacles to the one, and his total
+ignorance of every continental language, would appear to preclude the
+other; with a great liking for tobacco, which he smoked all day--a
+fondness for whist and malt liquors--his antipathies were few; so that
+except when called upon to shave more than once in the week, or wash his
+hands twice on the same day, it was difficult to disconcert him.  His
+fortune was very ample; but although his mode of living was neither very
+ostentatious nor costly, he contrived always to spend his income.  Such
+was the gentleman I now presented to my friends, who, I must confess,
+appeared strangely puzzled by his manner and appearance.  This feeling,
+however, soon wore off; and before he had spent the morning in their
+company, he had made more way in their good graces, and gone farther to
+establish intimacy, than many a more accomplished person, with an
+unexceptionable coat and accurate whisker might have effected in
+a fortnight.  What were his gifts in this way, I am, alas, most
+deplorably ignorant of; it was not, heaven knows, that he possessed any
+conversational talent--of successful flattery he knew as much as a negro
+does of the national debt--and yet the "bon-hommie" of his character
+seemed to tell at once; and I never knew him fail in any one instance to
+establish an interest for himself before he had completed the ordinary
+period of a visit.
+
+I think it is Washington Irving who has so admirably depicted the
+mortification of a dandy angler, who, with his beaver garnished with
+brown hackles, his well-posed rod, polished gaff, and handsome
+landing-net, with every thing befitting, spends his long summer day
+whipping a trout stream without a rise or even a ripple to reward him,
+while a ragged urchin, with a willow wand, and a bent pin, not ten yards
+distant, is covering the greensward with myriads of speckled and scaly
+backs, from one pound weight to four; so it is in every thing--"the race
+is not to the swift;" the elements of success in life, whatever be the
+object of pursuit, are very, very different from what we think them at
+first sight, and so it was with Mr. O'Leary, and I have more than once
+witnessed the triumph of his homely manner and blunt humour over the
+more polished and well-bred taste of his competitors for favour; and
+what might have been the limit to such success, heaven alone can tell,
+if it were not that he laboured under a counter-balancing infirmity,
+sufficient to have swamped a line-of-battle ship itself.  It was simply
+this--a most unfortunate propensity to talk of the wrong place, person,
+or time, in any society he found himself; and this taste for the mal
+apropos, extended so far, that no one ever ventured into company with
+him as his friend, without trembling for the result; but even this, I
+believe his only fault, resulted from the natural goodness of his
+character and intentions; for, believing as he did, in his honest
+simplicity, that the arbitrary distinctions of class and rank were held
+as cheaply by others as himself, he felt small scruple at recounting to
+a duchess a scene in a cabaret, and with as little hesitation would he,
+if asked, have sung the "Cruiskeen lawn," or the "Jug of Punch," after
+Lablanche had finished the "Al Idea," from Figaro.  'Mauvaise honte,' he
+had none; indeed I am not sure that he had any kind of shame whatever,
+except possibly when detected with a coat that bore any appearance of
+newness, or if overpersuaded to wear gloves, which he ever considered as
+a special effeminacy.
+
+Such, in a few words, was the gentleman I now presented to my friends,
+and how far he insinuated himself into their good graces, let the fact
+tell, that on my return to the breakfast-room, after about an hour's
+absence, I heard him detailing the particulars of a route they were to
+take by his advice, and also learned that he had been offered and had
+accepted a seat in their carriage to Paris.
+
+"Then I'll do myself the pleasure of joining your party, Mrs. Bingham,"
+said he.  "Bingham, I think, madam, is your name."
+
+"Yes, Sir."
+
+"Any relation, may I ask, of a most dear friend of mine, of the same
+name, from Currynaslattery, in the county Wexford?"
+
+"I am really not aware," said Mrs. Bingham.  "My husband's family are, I
+believe, many of them from that county."
+
+"Ah, what a pleasant fellow was Tom!" said Mr. O'Leary musingly,
+and with that peculiar tone which made me tremble, for I knew well
+that a reminiscence was coming.  "A pleasant fellow indeed."
+
+"Is he alive, sir, now?"
+
+"I believe so, ma'am; but I hear the climate does not agree with him."
+
+"Ah, then, he's abroad!  In Italy probably?"
+
+"No, ma'am, in Botany Bay.  His brother, they say, might have saved him,
+but he left poor Tom to his fate, for he was just then paying court to a
+Miss Crow, I think, with a large fortune.  Oh, Lord, what have I said,
+it's always the luck of me!"  The latter exclamation was the result of a
+heavy saugh upon the floor, Mrs. Bingham having fallen in a faint--she
+being the identical lady alluded to, and her husband the brother of
+pleasant Tom Bingham.
+
+To hurl Mr. O'Leary out of the room by one hand, and ring the bell with
+the other, was the work of a moment; and with proper care, and in due
+time, Mrs. Bingham was brought to herself, when most fortunately, she
+entirely forgot the cause of her sudden indisposition; and, of course,
+neither her daughter nor myself suffered any clue to escape us which
+might lead to its discovery.
+
+When we were once more upon the road, to efface if it might be necessary
+any unpleasant recurrence to the late scene, I proceeded to give Mrs.
+Bingham an account of my adventure at Chantraine, in which, of course, I
+endeavoured to render my friend O'Leary all the honours of being laughed
+at in preference to myself, laying little stress upon my masquerading in
+the jack-boots.
+
+"You are quite right," said O'Leary, joining in the hearty laugh against
+him, "quite right, I was always a very heavy sleeper--indeed if I wasn't
+I wouldn't be here now, travelling about en garcon, free as air;" here he
+heaved a sigh, which from its incongruity with his jovial look and happy
+expression, threw us all into renewed laughter.
+
+"But why, Mr. O'Leary--what can your sleepiness have to do with such
+tender recollections, for such, I am sure, that sigh bespeaks them?"
+
+"Ah! ma'am, it may seem strange, but it is nevertheless true, if it were
+not for that unfortunate tendency, I should now be the happy possessor of
+a most accomplished and amiable lady, and eight hundred per annum three
+and a half per cent. stock."
+
+"You overslept yourself on the wedding-day, I suppose."
+
+"You shall hear, ma'am, the story is a very short one: It is now about
+eight years ago, I was rambling through the south of France, and had just
+reached Lyons, where the confounded pavement, that sticks up like pears,
+with the point upwards, had compelled me to rest some days and recruit;
+for this purpose I installed myself in the pension of Madame Gourgead,
+Rue de Petits Carmes, a quiet house--where we dined at twelve, ten in
+number, upon about two pounds of stewed beef, with garlic and carrots
+--a light soup, being the water which accompanied the same to render it
+tender in stewing--some preserved cherries, and an omelette, with a pint
+bottle of Beaune, 6me qualite, I believe--a species of pyroligneous wine
+made from the vine stalks, but pleasant in summer with your salad; then
+we played dominos in the evening, or whist for sous points, leading
+altogether a very quiet and virtuous existence, or as Madame herself
+expressed it, 'une vie tout-a-fait patriarchale;' of this I cannot myself
+affirm how far she was right in supposing the patriarchs did exactly like
+us.  But to proceed, in the same establishment there lived a widow whose
+late husband had been a wine merchant at Dijon--he had also, I suppose
+from residing in that country, been imitating the patriarchs, for he died
+one day.  Well, the lady was delayed at Lyons for some law business, and
+thus it came about, that her husband's testament and the sharp paving
+stones in the streets determined we should be acquainted.  I cannot
+express to you the delight of my fair countrywoman at finding that a
+person who spoke English had arrived at the 'pension'--a feeling I myself
+somewhat participated in; for to say truth, I was not at that time a very
+great proficient in French.  We soon became intimate, in less time
+probably than it could otherwise have happened, for from the ignorance of
+all the others of one word of English, I was enabled during dinner to say
+many soft and tender things, which one does not usually venture on in
+company.
+
+"I recounted my travels, and told various adventures of my wanderings,
+till at last, from being merely amused, I found that my fair friend began
+to be interested in my narratives; and frequently when passing the
+bouillon to her, I have seen a tear in the corner of her eye: in a word,
+'she loved me for the dangers I had passed,' as Othello says.  Well,
+laugh away if you like, but it's truth I am telling you."  At this part
+of Mr. O'Leary's story we all found it impossible to withstand the
+ludicrous mock heroic of his face and tone, and laughed loud and long.
+When we at length became silent he resumed--"Before three weeks had
+passed over, I had proposed and was accepted, just your own way, Mr.
+Lorrequer, taking the ball at the hop, the very same way you did at
+Cheltenham, the time the lady jilted you, and ran off with your friend
+Mr. Waller; I read it all in the news, though I was then in Norway
+fishing."  Here there was another interruption by a laugh, not, however,
+at Mr. O'Leary's expense.  I gave him a most menacing look, while he
+continued--"the settlements were soon drawn up, and consisted, like all
+great diplomatic documents, of a series of 'gains and compensations;'
+thus, she was not to taste any thing stronger than kirsch wasser, or
+Nantz brandy; and I limited myself to a pound of short-cut weekly, and so
+on: but to proceed, the lady being a good Catholic, insisted upon being
+married by a priest of her own persuasion, before the performance of the
+ceremony at the British embassy in Paris; to this I could offer no
+objection, and we were accordingly united in the holy bonds the same
+morning, after signing the law papers."
+
+"Then, Mr. O'Leary, you are really a married man."
+
+"That's the very point I'm coming to, ma'am; for I've consulted all the
+jurists upon the subject, and they never can agree.  But you shall hear.
+I despatched a polite note to Bishop Luscombe, and made every arrangement
+for the approaching ceremony, took a quartier in the Rue Helder, near the
+Estaminet, and looked forward with anxiety for the day which was to make
+my happy; for our marriage in Lyons was only a kind of betrothal.  Now,
+my fair friend had but one difficulty remaining, poor dear soul--I
+refrain from mentioning her name for delicacy sake; but poor dear Mrs.
+Ram could not bear the notion of our going up to Paris in the same
+conveyance, for long as she had lived abroad, she had avoided every thing
+French, even the language, so she proposed that I should go in the early
+'Diligence,' which starts at four-o'clock in the morning, while she took
+her departure at nine; thus I should be some hours sooner in Paris, and
+ready to receive her on her arriving; besides sparing her bashfulness all
+reproach of our travelling together.  It was no use my telling her that
+I always travelled on foot, and hated a 'Diligence;' she coolly replied
+that at our time of life we could not spare the time necessary for a
+pilgrimage to Jerusalem, for so she supposed the journey from Lyons to
+Paris to be; so fearing lest any doubt might be thrown upon the ardour of
+my attachment, I yielded at once, remembering at the moment what my poor
+friend Tom Bing--Oh Lord, I'm at it again!"
+
+"Sir, I did not hear."
+
+"Nothing, ma'am, I was just going to observe, that ladies of a certain
+time of life, and widows especially, like a lover that seems a little
+ardent or so, all the better."  Here Mrs. Bingham blushed, her daughter
+bridled, and I nearly suffocated with shame and suppressed laughter.
+
+"After a most tender farewell of my bride or wife, I don't know which,
+I retired for the night with a mind vacillating between my hopes of
+happiness and my fears for the result of a journey so foreign to all my
+habits of travelling, and in which I could not but tremble at the many
+casualties my habitual laziness and dislike to any hours but of my own
+choosing might involve me in.
+
+"I had scarcely lain down in bed, ere these thoughts took such possession
+of me, that sleep for once in my life was out of the question; and then
+the misery of getting up at four in the morning--putting on your clothes
+by the flickering light of the porter's candle--getting your boots on the
+wrong feet, and all that kind of annoyance--I am sure I fretted myself
+into the feeling of a downright martyr before an hour was over.  Well at
+least, thought I, one thing is well done,--I have been quite right in
+coming to sleep here at the Messagerie Hotel, where the diligence starts
+from, or the chances are ten to one that I never should wake till the
+time was past.  Now, however, they are sure to call me; so I may sleep
+tranquilly till then.  Meanwhile I had forgotten to pack my trunk--my
+papers, &c. laying all about the room in a state of considerable
+confusion.  I rose at once with all the despatch I could muster; this
+took a long time to effect, and it was nearly two o'clock ere I finished,
+and sat down to smoke a solitary pipe,--the last, as I supposed it might
+be my lot to enjoy for heaven knows how long, Mrs. R. having expressed,
+rather late in our intimacy I confess, strong opinions against tobacco
+within doors.
+
+"When I had finished my little sac of the 'weed,' the clock struck three,
+and I started to think how little time I was destined to have in bed.
+In bed! why, said I, there is no use thinking of it now, for I shall
+scarcely have lain down ere I shall be obliged to get up again.  So
+thinking, I set about dressing myself for the road; and by the time I had
+enveloped myself in a pair of long Hungarian gaiters, and a kurtcha of
+sheep's wool, with a brown bear-skin outside, with a Welsh wig, and a
+pair of large dark glass goggles to defend the eyes from the snow, I was
+not only perfectly impervious to all effects of the weather, but so
+thoroughly defended from any influence of sight or sound, that a volcano
+might be hissing and thundering within ten yards of me, without
+attracting my slightest attention.  Now, I thought, instead of remaining
+here, I'll just step down to the coach, and get snugly in the diligence,
+and having secured the corner of the coupe, resign myself to sleep with
+the certainty of not being left behind, and, probably, too, be some miles
+on my journey before awaking.
+
+"I accordingly went down stairs, and to my surprise found, even at that
+early hour, that many of the garcons of the house were stirring and
+bustling about, getting all the luggage up in the huge wooden leviathan
+that was to convey us on our road.  There they stood, like bees around a
+hive, clustering and buzzing, and all so engaged that with difficulty
+could I get an answer to my question of, What diligence it was?  'La
+diligence pour Paris, Monsieur.'
+
+"'Ah, all right then,' said I; so watching an opportunity to do so
+unobserved, for I supposed they might have laughed at me, I stepped
+quietly into the coupe; and amid the creaking of cordage, and the
+thumping of feet on the roof, fell as sound asleep as ever I did in my
+life--these sounds coming to my muffled ears, soft as the echoes on the
+Rhine.  When it was that I awoke I cannot say; but as I rubbed my eyes
+and yawned after a most refreshing sleep, I perceived that it was still
+quite dark all around, and that the diligence was standing before the
+door of some inn and not moving.  Ah, thought I, this is the first stage;
+how naturally one always wakes at the change of horses,--a kind of
+instinct implanted by Providence, I suppose, to direct us to a little
+refreshment on the road.  With these pious feelings I let down the glass,
+and called out to the garcon for a glass of brandy and a cigar.  While he
+was bringing them, I had time to look about, and perceived, to my very
+great delight, that I had the whole coupe to myself. 'Are there any
+passengers coming in here?' said I, as the waiter came forward with my
+petit verre.  'I should think not, sir,' said the fellow with a leer.
+'Then I shall have the whole coupe to myself?' said I.  'Monsieur need
+have no fear of being disturbed; I can safely assure him that he will
+have no one there for the next twenty-four hours.'  This was really
+pleasant intelligence; so I chucked him a ten sous piece, and closing up
+the window as the morning was cold, once more lay back to sleep with a
+success that has never failed me.  It was to a bright blue cloudless sky,
+and the sharp clear air of a fine day in winter, that I at length opened
+my eyes. I pulled out my watch, and discovered it was exactly two
+o'clock; I next lowered the glass and looked about me, and very much to
+my surprise discovered that the diligence was not moving, but standing
+very peaceably in a very crowded congregation of other similar and
+dissimilar conveyances, all of which seemed, I thought, to labour under
+some physical ailment, some wanting a box, others a body, &c., &c. and in
+fact suggesting the idea of an infirmary for old and disabled carriages
+of either sex, mails and others.  'Oh, I have it,' cried I, 'we are
+arrived at Mt. Geran, and they are all at dinner, and from my being alone
+in the coupe, they have forgotten to call me.'  I immediately opened the
+door and stepped out into the innyard, crowded with conducteurs, grooms,
+and ostlers, who, I thought, looked rather surprised at seeing me emerge
+from the diligence.
+
+"'You did not know I was there,' said I, with a knowing wink at one of
+them as I passed.
+
+"'Assurement non,' said the fellow with a laugh, that was the signal for
+all the others to join in it.  'Is the table d'hote over?' said I,
+regardless of the mirth around me.  'Monsieur is just in time,' said the
+waiter, who happened to pass with a soup-tureen in his hand.  'Have the
+goodness to step this way.'  I had barely time to remark the close
+resemblance of the waiter to the fellow who presented me with my brandy
+and cigar in the morning, when he ushered me into a large room with about
+forty persons sitting at a long table, evidently waiting with impatience
+for the 'Potage' to begin their dinner.  Whether it was they enjoyed the
+joke of having neglected to call me, or that they were laughing at my
+travelling costume, I cannot say, but the moment I came in, I could
+perceive a general titter run through the assembly.  'Not too late, after
+all, gentlemen,' said I, marching gravely up the table.
+
+"'Monsieur is in excellent time,' said the host, making room for me
+beside his chair.  Notwithstanding the incumbrance of my weighty
+habiliments, I proceeded to do ample justice to the viands before me,
+apologizing laughingly to the host, by pleading a traveller's appetite.
+
+"'Then you have perhaps come far this morning,' said a gentleman
+opposite.
+
+"'Yes,' said I, 'I have been on the road since four o'clock.'
+
+"'And how are the roads?' said another.  'Very bad,' said I, 'the first
+few stages from Lyons, afterwards much better.'  This was said at a
+venture, as I began to be ashamed of being always asleep before my
+fellow-travellers.  They did not seem, however, to understand me
+perfectly; and one old fellow putting down his spectacles from his
+forehead, leaned over and said: 'And where, may I ask, has Monsieur come
+from this morning?'
+
+"'From Lyons,' said I, with the proud air of a man who has done a stout
+feat, and is not ashamed of the exploit.
+
+"'From Lyons!' said one.  'From Lyons!' cried another.  'From Lyons!'
+repeated a third.
+
+"'Yes,' said I; 'what the devil is so strange in it; travelling is so
+quick now-a-days, one thinks nothing of twenty leagues before dinner.'
+
+"The infernal shout of laughing that followed my explanation is still in
+my ears; from one end of the table to the other there was one continued
+ha, ha, ha--from the greasy host to the little hunchbacked waiter, they
+were all grinning away.
+
+"'And how did Monsieur travel?' said the old gentleman, who seemed to
+carry on the prosecution against me.
+
+"'By the diligence, the "Aigle noir,"' said I, giving the name with some
+pride, that I was not altogether ignorant of the conveyance.
+
+"'The you should certainly not complain of the roads,' said the host
+chuckling; 'for the only journey that diligence has made this day has
+been from the street-door to the inn-yard; for as they found when the
+luggage was nearly packed that the axle was almost broken through, they
+wheeled it round to the court, and prepared another for the travellers.'
+
+"'And where am I now?' said I.
+
+"'In Lyons,' said twenty voices, half choked with laughter at my
+question.
+
+"I was thunderstruck at the news at first; but as I proceeded with my
+dinner, I joined in the mirth of the party, which certainly was not
+diminished on my telling them the object of my intended journey.
+
+"'I think, young man,' said the old fellow with the spectacles, 'that you
+should take the occurrence as a warning of Providence that marriage will
+not suit you.'  I began to be of the same opinion;--but then there was
+the jointure.  To be sure, I was to give up tobacco; and perhaps I should
+not be as free to ramble about as when en garcon.  So taking all things
+into consideration, I ordered in another bottle of burgundy, to drink
+Mrs. Ram's health--got my passport vised for Barege--and set out for the
+Pyrenees the same evening."
+
+"And have you never heard any thing more of the lady?" said Mrs. Bingham.
+
+"Oh, yes.  She was faithful to the last; for I found out when at Rome
+last winter that she had offered a reward for me in the newspapers, and
+indeed had commenced a regular pursuit of me through the whole continent.
+And to tell the real fact, I should not now fancy turning my steps
+towards Paris, if I had not very tolerable information that she is in
+full cry after me through the Wengen Alps, I having contrived a paragraph
+in Galignani, to seduce her thither, and where, with the blessing of
+Providence, if the snow set in early, she must pass the winter."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVII.
+
+PARIS.
+
+Nothing more worthy of recording occurred before our arrival at Meurice
+on the third day of our journey.  My friend O'Leary had, with his usual
+good fortune, become indispensable to his new acquaintance, and it was
+not altogether without some little lurking discontent that I perceived
+how much less often my services were called in request since his having
+joined our party; his information, notwithstanding its very scanty
+extent, was continually relied upon, and his very imperfect French
+everlastingly called into requisition to interpret a question for the
+ladies.  Yes, thought I, "Othello's occupation's gone;" one of two things
+has certainly happened, either Mrs. Bingham and her daughter have noticed
+my continued abstraction of mind, and have attributed it to the real
+cause, the pre-occupation of my affections; or thinking, on the other
+hand, that I am desperately in love with one or other of them, have
+thought that a little show of preference to Mr. O'Leary may stimulate me
+to a proposal at once.  In either case I resolved to lose no time in
+taking my leave, which there could be no difficulty in doing now, as the
+ladies had reached their intended destination, and had numerous friends
+in Paris to advise and assist them; besides that I had too long neglected
+the real object of my trip, and should lose no time in finding out the
+Callonbys, and at once learn what prospect of success awaited me in that
+quarter.  Leaving my fair friends then to refresh themselves after the
+journey, and consigning Mr. O'Leary to the enjoyment of his meershaum,
+through the aid of which he had rendered his apartment like a Dutch swamp
+in autumn, the only portion of his own figure visible through the mist
+being his short legs and heavy shoes.
+
+On reaching the house in the Rue de la Paix, where the Callonbys had
+resided, I learned that they were still at Baden, and were not expected
+in Paris for some weeks; that Lord Kilkee had arrived that morning, and
+was then dining at the Embassy, having left an invitation for me to dine
+with him on the following day, if I happened to call.  As I turned from
+the door, uncertain whither to turn my steps, I walked on unconsciously
+towards the Boulevard, and occupied as I was, thinking over all the
+chances before me, did not perceive where I stood till the bright glare
+of a large gas lamp over my head apprised me that I was at the door of
+the well known Salon des Etrangers, at the corner of the Rue Richelieu;
+carriages, citadines, and vigilantes were crowding, crashing, and
+clattering on all sides, as the host of fashion and the gaming-table were
+hastening to their champ de bataille.  Not being a member of the Salon,
+and having little disposition to enter, if I had been, I stood for some
+minutes looking at the crowd as it continued to press on towards the
+splendid and brilliantly lighted stairs, which leads from the very street
+to the rooms of the palace, for such, in the magnificence and luxury of
+its decorations, it really is.  As I was on the very eve of turning
+away, a large and very handsome cab-horse turned the corner from the
+balustrade, with the most perfect appointment of harness and carriage
+I had seen for a long time.
+
+While I continued to admire the taste and propriety of the equipage, a
+young man in deep mourning sprung from the inside and stood upon the
+pavement before me.  "A deux heures, Charles," said he to his servant,
+as the cab turned slowly around.  The voice struck me as well known.  I
+waited till he approached the lamp, to catch a glimpse of the face; and
+what was my surprise to recognise my cousin, Guy Lorrequer of the 10th,
+whom I had not met with for six years before.  My first impulse was not
+to make myself known to him.  Our mutual position with regard to Lady
+Jane was so much a mystery, as regarded myself, that I feared the result
+of any meeting, until I was sufficiently aware of how matters stood, and
+whether we were to meet as friends and relations, or rivals, and
+consequently enemies.
+
+Before I had time to take my resolution, Guy had recognised me, and
+seizing me by the hand with both his, called, "Harry, my old friend, how
+are you? how long have you been here, and never to call on me?  Why man,
+what is the meaning of this?"  Before I had time to say that I was only a
+few hours in Paris, he again interrupted me by saying: "And how comes it
+that you are not in mourning?  You must surely have heard it."
+
+"Heard what?" I cried, nearly hoarse from agitation.  "Our poor old
+friend, Sir Guy, didn't you know, is dead."  Only those who have felt how
+strong the ties of kindred are, as they decrease in number, can tell how
+this news fell upon my heart.  All my poor uncle's kindnesses came one by
+one full upon my memory; his affectionate letters of advice; his
+well-meant chidings, too, even dearer to me than his praise and approval,
+completely unmanned me; and I stood speechless and powerless before my
+cousin as he continued to detail to me the rapid progress of Sir Guy's
+malady, and attack of gout in the head, which carried him off in three
+days.  Letters had been sent to me in different places, but none reached;
+and at the very moment the clerk of my uncle's lawyer was in pursuit of
+me through the highlands, where some mistaken information had induced him
+to follow me.
+
+"You are, therefore," continued Guy, "unaware that our uncle has dealt so
+fairly by you, and indeed by both of us; I have got the Somersetshire
+estates, which go with the baronetcy; but the Cumberland property is all
+yours; and I heartily wish you joy of having nearly eight thousand per
+annum, and one of the sweetest villas that ever man fancied on
+Derwentwater.  But come along here," continued he, and he led me through
+the crowded corridor and up the wide stair.  "I have much to tell you,
+and we can be perfectly alone here; no one will trouble themselves with
+us."  Unconscious of all around me, I followed Guy along the gilded and
+glittering lobby, which led to the Salon, and it was only as the servant
+in rich livery came forward to take my hat and cane that I remembered
+where I was.  Then the full sense of all I had been listening to rushed
+upon me, and the unfitness, and indeed the indecency of the place for
+such communications as we were engaged in, came most forcibly before me.
+Sir Guy, it is true, had always preferred my cousin to me; he it was who
+was always destined to succeed both to his title and his estates, and his
+wildness and extravagance had ever met with a milder rebuke and weaker
+chastisement than my follies and my misfortunes.  Yet still he was my
+last remaining relative; the only one I possessed in all the world to
+whom in any difficulty or trial I had to look up; and I felt, in the very
+midst of my newly acquired wealth and riches, poorer and more alone than
+ever I had done in my lifetime.  I followed Guy to a small and dimly
+lighted cabinet off the great salon, where, having seated ourselves, he
+proceeded to detail to me the various events which a few short weeks had
+accomplished.  Of himself he spoke but little, and never once alluded to
+the Callonbys at all; indeed all I could learn was that he had left the
+army, and purposed remaining for the winter at Paris, where he appeared
+to have entered into all its gaiety and dissipation at once.
+
+"Of course," said he, "you will give up 'sodgering' now; at the best it
+is but poor sport after five and twenty, and is perfectly unendurable
+when a man has the means of pushing himself in the gay world; and now,
+Harry, let us mix a little among the mob here; for Messieurs les
+Banquiers don't hold people in estimation who come here only for the
+'chapons au riz.' and the champagne glacee, as we should seem to do were
+we to stay here much longer."
+
+Such was the whirl of my thoughts, and so great the confusion in my ideas
+from all I had just heard, that I felt myself implicitly following every
+direction of my cousin with a child-like obedience, of the full extent
+of which I became only conscious when I found myself seated at the table
+of the Salon, between my cousin Guy and an old, hard-visaged,
+pale-countenanced man, who he told me in a whisper was Vilelle the
+Minister.
+
+What a study for the man who would watch the passions and emotions of his
+fellow-men, would the table of a rouge et noir gambling-house present
+--the skill and dexterity which games of other kinds require, being here
+wanting, leave the player free to the full abandonment of the passion.
+The interest is not a gradually increasing or vacillating one, as fortune
+and knowledge of the game favour; the result is uninfluenced by any thing
+of his doing; with the last turned card of the croupier is he rich or
+ruined; and thus in the very abstraction of the anxiety is this the most
+painfully exciting of all gambling whatever; the very rattle of the
+dice-box to the hazard player is a relief; and the thought that he is in
+some way instrumental in his good or bad fortune gives a turn to his
+thoughts. There is something so like the inevitable character of fate
+associated with the result of a chance, which you can in no way affect
+or avert, that I have, notwithstanding a strong bias for play, ever
+dreaded and avoided the rouge et noir table; hitherto prudential motives
+had their share in the resolve; a small loss at play becomes a matter of
+importance to a sub in a marching regiment; and therefore I was firm in
+my determination to avoid the gambling-table.  Now my fortunes were
+altered; and as I looked at the heap of shining louis d'or, which Guy
+pushed before me in exchange for a billet de banque of large amount, I
+felt the full importance of my altered position, mingling with the old
+and long practised prejudices which years had been accumulating to fix.
+There is besides some wonderful fascination to most men in the very
+aspect of high play: to pit your fortune against that of another--to see
+whether or not your luck shall not exceed some others--are feelings that
+have a place in most bosoms, and are certainly, if not naturally
+existing, most easily generated in the bustle and excitement of the
+gambling-house.  The splendour of the decorations; the rich profusion of
+gilded ornaments; the large and gorgeously framed mirrors; the sparkling
+lustres; mingling their effect with the perfumed air of the apartment,
+filled with orange trees and other aromatic shrubs; the dress of the
+company, among whom were many ladies in costumes not inferior to those
+of a court; the glitter of diamonds; the sparkle of stars and
+decorations, rendered more magical by knowing that the wearers were
+names in history.  There, with his round but ample shoulder, and large
+massive head, covered with long snow-white hair, stands Talleyrand, the
+maker and unmaker of kings, watching with a look of ill-concealed
+anxiety the progress of his game. Here is Soult, with his dogged look
+and beetled brow; there stands Balzac the author, his gains here are
+less derived from the betting than the bettors; he is evidently making
+his own of some of them, while in the seeming bon hommie of his careless
+manners and easy abandon, they scruple not to trust him with anecdotes
+and traits, that from the crucible of his fiery imagination come forth,
+like the purified gold from the furnace. And there, look at that old and
+weather-beaten man, with grey eyebrows, and moustaches, who throws from
+the breast-pocket of his frock ever and anon, a handful of gold pieces
+upon the table; he evidently neither knows nor cares for the amount, for
+the banker himself is obliged to count over the stake for him--that is
+Blucher, the never-wanting attendant at the Salon; he has been an
+immense loser, but plays on with the same stern perseverance with which
+he would pour his bold cavalry through a ravine torn by artillery; he
+stands by the still waning chance with a courage that never falters.
+
+One strong feature of the levelling character of a taste for play has
+never ceased to impress me most forcibly--not only do the individual
+peculiarities of the man give way before the all-absorbing passion--but
+stranger still, the very boldest traits of nationality even fade and
+disappear before it; and man seems, under the high-pressure power of this
+greatest of all stimulants, resolved into a most abstract state.
+
+Among all the traits which distinguish Frenchmen from natives of every
+country, none is more prominent than a kind of never-failing elasticity
+of temperament, which seems almost to defy all the power of misfortune to
+depress.  Let what will happen, the Frenchman seems to possess some
+strong resource within himself, in his ardent temperament, upon which he
+can draw at will; and whether on the day after a defeat, the moment of
+being deceived in his strongest hopes of returned affection--the
+overthrow of some long-cherished wish--it matters not--he never gives way
+entirely; but see him at the gaming-table--watch the intense, the aching
+anxiety with which his eye follows every card as it falls from the hand
+of the croupier--behold the look of cold despair that tracks his stake as
+the banker rakes it in among his gains--and you will at once perceive
+that here, at least, his wonted powers fail him.  No jest escapes the
+lips of one, that would badinet upon the steps of the guillotine.  The
+mocker who would jeer at the torments of revolution, stands like a coward
+quailing before the impassive eye and pale cheek of a croupier.  While
+I continued to occupy myself by observing the different groups about me,
+I had been almost mechanically following the game, placing at each deal
+some gold upon the table; the result however had interested me so
+slightly, that it was only by remarking the attention my game had excited
+in others, that my own was drawn towards it.  I then perceived that I had
+permitted my winnings to accumulate upon the board, and that in the very
+deal then commencing, I had a stake of nearly five hundred pounds upon
+the deal.
+
+"Faites votre jeu, le jeu est fait," said the croupier, "trente deux."
+
+"You have lost, by Jove," said Guy, in a low whisper, in which I could
+detect some trait of agitation.
+
+"Trente et une," added the croupier.  "Rouge perd, et couleur."
+
+There was a regular buz of wonder through the room at my extraordinary
+luck, for thus, with every chance against me, I had won again.
+
+As the croupier placed the billets de banque upon the table, I overheard
+the muttered commendations of an old veteran behind me, upon the coolness
+and judgment of my play; so much for fortune, thought I, my judgment
+consists in a perfect ignorance of the chances, and my coolness is merely
+a thorough indifference to success; whether it was now that the flattery
+had its effect upon me, or that the passion for play, so long dormant,
+had suddenly seized hold upon me, I know not, but my attention became
+from that moment rivetted upon the game, and I played every deal.  Guy,
+who had been from the first betting with the indifferent success which I
+have so often observed to attend upon the calculations of old and
+experienced gamblers, now gave up, and employed himself merely in
+watching my game.
+
+"Harry," said he at last, "I am completely puzzled as to whether you are
+merely throwing down your louis at hazard, or are not the deepest player
+I have ever met with."
+
+"You shall see," said I, as I stooped over towards the banker, and
+whispered, "how far is the betting permitted?"
+
+"Fifteen thousand francs," said the croupier, with a look of surprise.
+
+"Then be it," said I; "quinze mille francs, rouge."
+
+In a moment the rouge won, and the second deal I repeated the bet, and so
+continuing on with the like success; when I was preparing my rouleau for
+the fifth, the banquier rose, and saying--
+
+"Messiers, la banque est fermee pour ce soir," proceeded to lock his
+casette, and close the table.
+
+"You are satisfied now," said Guy, rising, "you see you have broke the
+banque, and a very pretty incident to commence with your first
+introduction to a campaign in Paris."
+
+Having changed my gold for notes, I stuffed them, with an air of
+well-affected carelessness, into my pocket, and strolled through the
+Salon, where I had now become an object of considerably more interest
+than all the marshals and ministers about me.
+
+"Now, Hal," said Guy, "I'll just order our supper in the cabinet, and
+join you in a moment."
+
+As I remained for some minutes awaiting Guy's return, my attention was
+drawn towards a crowd, in a smaller salon, among whom the usual silent
+decorum of the play-table seemed held in but small respect, for every
+instant some burst of hearty laughter, or some open expression of joy or
+anger burst forth, by which I immediately perceived that they were the
+votaries of the roulette table, a game at which the strict propriety and
+etiquette ever maintained at rouge et noir, are never exacted.  As I
+pressed nearer, to discover the cause of the mirth, which every moment
+seemed to augment, guess my surprise to perceive among the foremost rank
+of the players, my acquaintance, Mr. O'Leary, whom I at that moment
+believed to be solacing himself with his meershaum at Meurice.  My
+astonishment at how he obtained admission to the Salon was even less than
+my fear of his recognising me.  At no time is it agreeable to find that
+the man who is regarded as the buffo of a party turns out to be your
+friend, but still less is this so, when the individual claiming
+acquaintance with you presents any striking absurdity in his dress or
+manner, strongly at contrast with the persons and things about him; and
+thus it now happened--Mr. O'Leary's external man, as we met him on the
+Calais road, with its various accompaniments of blouse-cap, spectacles,
+and tobacco-pipe, were nothing very outre or remarkable, but when the
+same figure presented itself among the elegans of the Parisian world,
+redolent of eau de Portugal, and superb in the glories of brocade
+waistcoats and velvet coats, the thing was too absurd, and I longed to
+steal away before any chance should present itself of a recognition.
+This, however, was impossible, as the crowd from the other table were all
+gathered round us, and I was obliged to stand fast, and trust that the
+excitement of the game, in which he appeared to be thoroughly occupied,
+might keep his eye fixed on another quarter; I now observed that the same
+scene in which I had so lately been occupied at the rouge et noir table,
+was enacting here, under rather different circumstances.  Mr. O'Leary was
+the only player, as I had just been--not, however, because his success
+absorbed all the interest of the bystanders, but that, unfortunately, his
+constant want of it elicited some strong expression of discontent and
+mistrust from him, which excited the loud laughter of the others; but of
+which, from his great anxiety in his game, he seemed totally unconscious.
+
+"Faites votre jeu, Messieurs," said the croupier.
+
+"Wait a bit till I change this," said Mr. O'Leary, producing an English
+sovereign; the action interpreted his wishes, and the money was converted
+into coupons de jeu.
+
+I now discovered one great cause of the mirth of the bystanders, at least
+the English portion of them.  Mr. O'Leary, when placing his money upon
+the table, observed the singular practice of announcing aloud the amount
+of his bet, which, for his own information, he not only reduced to
+English but also Irish currency; thus the stillness of the room was every
+instant broken by a strong Irish accent pronouncing something of this
+sort--"five francs," "four and a penny"--"ten francs," "eight and three
+ha'pence."  The amusement thus caused was increased by the excitement his
+losses threw him into.  He now ceased to play for several times, when at
+last, he made an offering of his usual stake.
+
+"Perd," said the croupier, raking in the piece with a contemptuous air
+at the smallness of the bet, and in no way pleased that the interest
+Mr. O'Leary excited should prevent the other players from betting.
+
+"Perd," said O'Leary, "again.  Divil another song you sing than 'perd,'
+and I'm not quite clear you're not cheating all the while--only, God help
+you if you are!"
+
+As he so said, the head of a huge black-thorn stick was half protruded
+across the table, causing renewed mirth; for, among other regulations,
+every cane, however trifling, is always demanded at the door; and thus a
+new subject of astonishment arose as to how he had succeeded in carrying
+it with him into the salon.
+
+"Here's at you again," said O'Leary, regardless of the laughter, and
+covering three or four numbers with his jetons.
+
+Round went the ball once more, and once more he lost.
+
+"Look now, divil a lie in it, he makes them go wherever he pleases.  I'll
+take a turn now at the tables; fair play's a jewel--and we'll see how
+you'll get on."
+
+So saying, he proceeded to insinuate himself into the chair of the
+croupier, whom he proposed to supersede by no very gentle means.  This
+was of course resisted, and as the loud mirth of the bystanders grew more
+and more boisterous, the cries of "a la porte, a la porte," from the
+friends of the bank, rung through the crowd.
+
+"Go it, Pat--go it, Pat," said Guy, over my shoulder, who seemed to take
+a prodigious interest in the proceedings.
+
+At this unexpected recognition of his nativity, for Mr. O'Leary never
+suspected he could be discovered by his accent; he looked across the
+table, and caught my eye at once.
+
+"Oh, I'm safe now! stand by me, Mr. Lorrequer, and we'll clear the room."
+
+So saying, and without any further provocation, he upset the croupier,
+chair and all, with one sudden jerk upon the floor, and giving a
+tremendous kick to the casette, sent all the five-franc pieces flying
+over him; he then jumped upon the table, and brandishing his black-thorn
+through the ormolu lustre, scattered the wax-lights on all sides,
+accompanying the exploit by a yell that would have called up all
+Connemara at midnight, if it had only been heard there; in an instant,
+the gens d'armes, always sufficiently near to be called in if required,
+came pouring into the room, and supposing the whole affair had been a
+preconcerted thing to obtain possession of the money in the bank,
+commenced capturing different members of the company who appeared, by
+enjoying the confusion, to be favouring and assisting it.  My cousin Guy
+was one of the first so treated--a proceeding to which he responded by an
+appeal rather in favour with most Englishmen, and at once knocked down
+the gen d'arme; this was the signal for a general engagement, and
+accordingly, before an explanation could possibly be attempted, a most
+terrific combat ensued.  The Frenchmen in the room siding with the gen
+d'armerie, and making common cause against the English; who, although
+greatly inferior in number, possessed considerable advantage, from long
+habit in street-rows and boxing encounters.  As for myself, I had the
+good fortune to be pitted against a very pursy and unwieldy Frenchman,
+who sacre'd to admiration, but never put in a single blow at me; while,
+therefore, I amused myself practising what old Cribb called "the one,
+two," upon his fat carcase, I had abundant time and opportunity to watch
+all that was doing about me, and truly a more ludicrous affair I never
+beheld.  Imagine about fifteen or sixteen young Englishmen, most of them
+powerful, athletic fellows, driving an indiscriminate mob of about five
+times their number before them, who, with courage enough to resist, were
+yet so totally ignorant of the boxing art, that they retreated,
+pell-mell, before the battering phalanx of their sturdy opponents--the
+most ludicrous figure of all being Mr. O'Leary himself, who, standing
+upon the table, laid about him with a brass lustre that he had unstrung,
+and did considerable mischief with this novel instrument of warfare,
+crying out the entire time, "murder every mother's son of them," "give
+them another taste of Waterloo."  Just as he had uttered the last
+patriotic sentiment, he received a slight admonition from behind, by the
+point of a gen d'arme's sword, which made him leap from the table with
+the alacrity of a harlequin, and come plump down among the thickest of
+the fray.  My attention was now directed elsewhere, for above all the
+din and "tapage" of the encounter I could plainly hear the row-dow-dow
+of the drums, and the measured tread of troops approaching, and at once
+guessed that a reinforcement of the gen d'armerie were coming up.
+Behind me there was a large window, with a heavy scarlet curtain before
+it; my resolution was at once taken, I floored my antagonist, whom I had
+till now treated with the most merciful forbearance, and immediately
+sprung behind the curtain. A second's consideration showed that in the
+search that must ensue this would afford no refuge, so I at once opened
+the sash, and endeavoured to ascertain at what height I was above the
+ground beneath me; the night was so dark that I could see nothing, but
+judging from the leaves and twigs that reached to the window, that it
+was a garden beneath, and auguring from the perfumed smell of the
+shrubs, that they could not be tall trees, I resolved to leap, a resolve
+I had little time to come to, for the step of the soldiers was already
+heard upon the stair.  Fixing my hat then down upon my brows, and
+buttoning my coat tightly, I let myself down from the window-stool by my
+hands, and fell upon my legs in the soft earth of the garden, safe and
+unhurt.  From the increased clamour and din overhead, I could learn the
+affray was at its height, and had little difficulty in detecting the
+sonorous accent and wild threats of my friend Mr. O'Leary, high above
+all the other sounds around him.  I did not wait long, however, to enjoy
+them; but at once set about securing my escape from my present bondage.
+In this I had little difficulty, for I was directed by a light to a
+small door, which, as I approached, found that it led into the den of
+the Concierge, and also communicated by another door with the street.  I
+opened it, therefore, at once, and was in the act of opening the second,
+when I felt myself seized by the collar by a strong hand; and on turning
+round saw the sturdy figure of the Concierge himself, with a drawn
+bayonet within a few inches of my throat, "Tenez, mon ami," said I
+quietly, and placing half a dozen louis, some of my recent spoils, in
+his hand, at once satisfied him that, even if I were a robber, I was at
+least one that understood and respected the conveniences of society.  He
+at once relinquished his hold and dropped his weapon, and pulling off
+his cap with one hand, to draw the cord which opened the Porte Cochere
+with the other, bowed me politely to the street.  I had scarcely had
+time to insinuate myself into the dense mass of people whom the noise
+and confusion within had assembled around the house, when the double
+door of the building opened, and a file of gens d'armerie came forth,
+leading between them my friend Mr. O'Leary and some others of the
+rioters--among whom I rejoiced to find my cousin did not figure.  If I
+were to judge from his disordered habiliments and scarred visage, Mr.
+O'Leary's resistance to the constituted authorities must have been a
+vigorous one, and the drollery of his appearance was certainly not
+decreased by his having lost the entire brim of his hat--the covering of
+his head bearing, under these distressing circumstances, a strong
+resemblance to a saucepan.
+
+As I could not at that moment contribute in any way to his rescue, I
+determined on the following day to be present at his examination, and
+render him all the assistance in my power.  Meanwhile, I returned to
+Meurice, thinking of every adventure of the evening much more than of my
+own changed condition and altered fortunes.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXVIII.
+
+PARIS.
+
+The first thing which met my eye, when waking in the morning, after the
+affair at the salon, was the rouleau of billets de banque which I had won
+at play; and it took several minutes before I could persuade myself that
+the entire recollection of the evening had any more solid foundation than
+a heated brain and fevered imagination.  The sudden spring, from being a
+subaltern in the __th, with a few hundreds per annum--"pour tout potage,"
+to becoming the veritable proprietor of several thousands, with a
+handsome house in Cumberland, was a consideration which I could scarcely
+admit into my mind--so fearful was I, that the very first occurrence of
+the day should dispel the illusion, and throw me back into the dull
+reality which I was hoping to escape from.
+
+There is no adage more true than the old Latin one--"that what we wish,
+we readily believe;" so, I had little difficulty in convincing myself
+that all was as I desired--although, certainly, my confused memory of the
+past evening contributed little to that conviction.  It was, then, amid a
+very whirl of anticipated pleasures, and new schemes for enjoying life,
+that I sat down to a breakfast, at which, that I might lose no time in
+commencing my race, I had ordered the most recherche viands which even
+French cookery can accomplish for the occasion.
+
+My plans were soon decided upon.  I resolved to remain only long enough
+in Paris to provide myself with a comfortable travelling carriage--secure
+a good courier--and start for Baden; when I trusted that my pretensions,
+whatever favour they might have been once received with, would certainly
+now, at least, be listened to with more prospect of being successful.
+
+I opened the Galignani's paper of the day, to direct me in my search, and
+had scarcely read a few lines before a paragraph caught my eye, which not
+a little amused me; it was headed--Serious riot at the Salon des
+Etrangers, and attempt to rob the Bank:--
+
+"Last evening, among the persons who presented themselves at the table of
+this fashionable resort, were certain individuals, who, by their names
+and dress bespoke any thing rather than the rank and condition of those
+who usually resort there, and whose admission is still unexplained,
+notwithstanding the efforts of the police to unravel the mystery.  The
+proprietors of the bank did not fail to remark these persons; but
+scrupled, from fear of disturbing the propriety of the salon, to take the
+necessary steps for their exclusion--reserving their attention to the
+adoption of precautions against such intrusion in future--unfortunately,
+as it turned out eventually, for, towards eleven o'clock, one of these
+individuals, having lost a considerable sum at play, proceeded in a very
+violent and outrageous manner to denounce the bank, and went so far as to
+accuse the croupier of cheating.  This language having failed to excite
+the disturbance it was evidently intended to promote, was soon followed
+up by a most dreadful personal attack upon the banquier, in which he was
+thrown from his seat, and the cassette, containing several thousand
+francs in gold and notes, immediately laid hold of.  The confusion now
+became considerable, and it was apparent, that the whole had been a
+pre-concerted scheme.  Several persons, leaping upon the table,
+attempted to extinguish the great lustre of the salon, in which bold
+attempt, they were most spiritedly resisted by some of the other players
+and the gens-d'arme, who had by this time arrived in force.  The riot
+was quelled after a prolonged and desperate resistance, and the rioters,
+with the exception of two, were captured, and conveyed to prison, where
+they await the result of a judicial investigation--of which we shall not
+fail to lay the particulars before our readers.
+
+"Since our going to press, we have learned that one of the ringleaders in
+this vile scheme is a noted English escroc--a swindler, who was already
+arrest at C____ for travelling with a false passport; but who contrives,
+by some collusion with another of the gang, to evade the local
+authorities.  If this be the case, we trust he will speedily be detected
+and brought to punishment."
+
+Whatever amusement I had found in reading the commencing portion of this
+ridiculous misstatement, the allusion in the latter part by no means
+afforded me equal pleasure; and I saw, in one rapid glance, how much
+annoyance, and how many delays and impediments--a charge even of this
+ridiculous nature, might give rise to in my present circumstances.  My
+passport, however, will settle all--thought I--as I thrust my hand
+towards my pocket, in which I had placed it along with some letters.
+
+Guess my misery, to discover that the whole of the pocket had been cut
+away, probably in the hope of obtaining the billets de banque I had won
+at play, but which I had changed from that pocket to a breast one on
+leaving the table.  This at once led me to suspect that there might be
+some truth in the suspicion of the newspaper writer of a pre-concerted
+scheme, and at once explained to me what had much puzzled me before--the
+extreme rapidity with which the elements of discord were propagated, for
+the whole affair was the work of a few seconds.  While I continued to
+meditate on these matters, the waiter entered with a small note in an
+envelope, which a commissionaire had just left at the hotel for me, and
+went away, saying there was no answer.  I opened it hastily, and read:--
+
+     "Dear H.--The confounded affair of last night has induced me to
+     leave this for a few days; besides that I have obtained a most
+     excellent reason for absenting myself in the presence of a black
+     eye, which will prevent my appearance in public for a week to come.
+     As you are a stranger here, you need not fear being detected.  With
+     all its desagremens, I can't help laughing at the adventure, and I
+     am heartily glad to have had the opportunity of displaying old
+     Jackson's science upon those wretched gens-d'arme.
+
+                              "Your, truly,
+                                             "G.L."
+
+This, certainly, thought I, improves my position.  Here is my cousin Guy
+--the only one to whom, in any doubt or difficulty here, I could refer--
+here he is--flown, without letting me know where to address him or find
+him out.  I rung my bell hastily, and having written a line on my card,
+requesting Lord Kilkee to come to me as soon as he could, despatched it
+to the Rue de la Paix.  The messenger soon returned with an answer,
+that Lord Kilkee had been obliged to leave Paris late the evening before,
+having received some important letters from Baden.  My anxiety now became
+greater.  I did not know but that the moment I ventured to leave the
+hotel I should be recognised by some of the witnesses of the evening's
+fray; and all thoughts of succouring poor O'Leary were completely
+forgotten in my fear for the annoyances the whole of this ridiculous
+affair might involve me in.  Without any decision as to my future steps,
+I dressed myself, and proceeded to pay my respects to Mrs. Bingham and
+her daughter, who were in the same hotel, and whom I had not seen since
+our arrival.
+
+As I entered the drawing-room, I was surprised to find Miss Bingham
+alone.  She appeared to have been weeping--at least the efforts she made
+to appear easy and in good spirits contrasted a good deal with the
+expression of her features as I came in.  To my inquiries for Mrs.
+Bingham, I received for answer that the friends Mrs. Bingham had expected
+having left a few days before for Baden, she had resolved on following
+them, and had now merely driven out to make a few purchases before her
+departure, which was to take place in the morning.
+
+There is something so sad in the thought of being deserted and left by
+one's friends under any circumstances, that I cannot express how much
+this intelligence affected me.  It seemed, too, like the last stroke of
+bad news filling up the full measure, that I was to be suddenly deprived
+of the society of the very few friends about me, just as I stood most in
+need of them.
+
+Whether or not Miss Bingham noticed my embarrassment, I cannot say;
+but certainly she seemed not displeased, and there was in the
+half-encouraging tone of her manner something which led me to suspect
+that she was not dissatisfied with the impression her news seemed to
+produce upon me.
+
+Without at all alluding to my own improved fortune, or to the events
+of the preceding night, I began to talk over the coming journey, and
+expressed my sincere regret that, having lost my passport under
+circumstances which might create some delay in retrieving it, I could
+not join their party as I should otherwise have done.
+
+Miss Bingham heard this speech with rather more emotion than so simple a
+declaration was calculated to produce; and, while she threw down her eyes
+beneath their long dark lashes, and coloured slightly, asked--
+
+"And did you really wish to come with us?"
+
+"Undoubtedly," said I.
+
+"And is there no other objection than the passport?"
+
+"None whatever," said I, warming as I spoke, for the interest she
+appeared to take in me completely upset all my calculations, besides that
+I had never seen her looking so handsome, and that, as the French wisely
+remark, "vaut toujours quelque chose."
+
+"Oh, then, pray come with us, which you can do, for mamma has just got
+her passport for her nephew along with her own; and as we really don't
+want him, nor he us, we shall both be better pleased to be free of each
+other, and you can easily afterwards have your own forwarded to Baden by
+post."
+
+"Ah, but," said I, "how shall I be certain, if I take so flattering an
+offer, that you will forgive me for filling up the place of the dear
+cousin; for, if I conjecture aright, it is 'Le Cher Edouard' that
+purposes to be your companion."
+
+"Yes, you have guessed quite correctly; but you must not tax me with
+inconsistency, but really I have grown quite tired of my poor cousin,
+since I saw him last night."
+
+"And you used to admire him prodigiously."
+
+"Well, well, that is all true, but I do so no longer."
+
+"Eh! perche," said I, looking cunningly in her eye.
+
+"For reasons that Mr. Lorrequer shall never know if he has to ask them,"
+said the poor girl, covering her eyes with her hands, and sobbing
+bitterly.
+
+What I thought, said, or did upon this occasion, with all my most sincere
+desire to make a "clean breast of it in these confessions," I know not;
+but this I do know, that two hours after, I found myself still sitting
+upon the sofa beside Miss Bingham, whom I had been calling Emily all the
+while, and talking more of personal matters and my own circumstances than
+is ever safe or prudent for a young man to do with any lady under the age
+of his mother.
+
+All that I can now remember of this interview, is the fact of having
+arranged my departure in the manner proposed by Miss Bingham--a
+proposition to which I acceded with an affectation of satisfaction that
+I fear went very far to deceive my fair friend.  Not that the pleasure
+I felt in the prospect was altogether feigned; but certainly the habit
+of being led away by the whim and temper of the moment had so much become
+part of my nature, that I had long since despaired of ever guarding
+myself against the propensity I had acquired, of following every lead
+which any one might throw out for me.  And thus, as poor Harry Lorrequer
+was ever the first man to get into a row at the suggestion of a friend,
+so he only waited the least possible pressing on any occasion, to involve
+himself in any scrape or misfortune that presented itself, provided there
+was only some one good enough to advise him to do so.
+
+As I entered my own room, to make preparations for my departure, I could
+not help thinking over all the events thus crowded into the space of a
+few hours.  My sudden possession of wealth--my prospects at Callonby
+still undecided--my scrape at the Salon--my late interview with Miss
+Bingham, in which I had only stopped short of a proposal to marry, were
+almost sufficient to occupy any reasonable mind; and so I was beginning
+to suspect, when the waiter informed me that the Commissaire of Police
+was in waiting below, and wished to speak to me.  Affecting some surprise
+at the request which I at once perceived the object of, I desired him to
+be introduced.  I was quite correct in my guess.  The information of my
+being concerned in the affair at the Salon had been communicated to the
+authorities, and the Commissaire had orders to obtain bail for my
+appearance at the Tribunal de Justice, on that day week, or commit me at
+once to prison.  The Commissaire politely gave me till evening to procure
+the required bail, satisfying himself that he could adopt measures to
+prevent my escape, and took his leave.  He had scarcely gone when Mr.
+Edward Bingham was announced--the reason for this visit I could not so
+easily divine; but I had little time allowed for my conjectures, as the
+same instant a very smart, dapper little gentleman presented himself,
+dressed in all the extravagance of French mode.  His hair, which was
+permitted to curl upon his shoulders, was divided along the middle of the
+head; his moustaches were slightly upturned and carefully waxed, and his
+small chin-tuft or Henri-quatre most gracefully pointed; he wore three
+most happily contrasting coloured waistcoats, and spurs of glittering
+brass.  His visit was of scarcely five minutes' duration; but was
+evidently the opening of a breaching battery by the Bingham family
+in all form--the object of which I could at least guess at.
+
+My embarrassments were not destined to end here; for scarcely had I
+returned Mr. Bingham's eighth salutation at the head of the staircase,
+when another individual presented himself before me.  This figure was in
+every respect the opposite of my last visitor.  Although framed perfectly
+upon the late Parisian school of dandyism, his, however, was the "ecole
+militaire."  Le Capitaine Eugene de Joncourt, for so he introduced
+himself, was a portly personage, of about five-and-thirty or forty years
+of age, with that mixture of bon hommie and ferocity in his features
+which the soldiers of Napoleon's army either affected or possessed
+naturally.  His features, which were handsome, and the expression of
+which was pleasing, were, as it seemed, perverted, by the warlike turn of
+a most terrific pair of whiskers and moustaches, from their naturally
+good-humoured bent; and the practised frown and quick turn of his dark
+eye were evidently only the acquired advantages of his military career;
+a handsome mouth, with singularly regular and good teeth, took much away
+from the farouche look of the upper part of his face; and contributed,
+with the aid of a most pleasing voice, to impress you in his favour; his
+dress was a blue braided frock, decorated with the cordon of the legion;
+but neither these, nor the clink of his long cavalry spurs, were
+necessary to convince you that the man was a soldier; besides that, there
+was that mixture of urbanity and aplomb in his manner which showed him to
+be perfectly accustomed to the usages of the best society.
+
+"May I beg to know," said he, as he seated himself slowly, "if this card
+contains your name and address," handing me at the same moment one of my
+visiting cards.  I immediately replied in the affirmative.
+
+"You are then in the English service?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Then, may I entreat your pardon for the trouble of these questions, and
+explain the reason of my visit.  I am the friend of Le Baron D'Haulpenne,
+with whom you had the altercation last night in the Salon, and in whose
+name I have come to request the address of a friend on your part."
+
+Ho, ho, thought I, the Baron is then the stout gentleman that I pummelled
+so unmercifully near the window; but how came he by my card; and besides,
+in a row of that kind, I am not aware how far the matter can be conceived
+to go farther, than what happens at the moment.  These were the thoughts
+of a second of time, and before I could reply any thing, the captain
+resumed.
+
+"You seem to have forgotten the circumstance, and so indeed should I like
+to do; but unfortunately D'Haulpenne says that you struck him with your
+walking-cane, so you know, under such a state of things, there is but one
+course."
+
+"But gently," added I, "I had no cane whatever the last evening."
+
+"Oh! I beg pardon," interrupted he; "but my friend is most positive in
+his account, and describes the altercation as having continued from the
+Salon to the street, when you struck him, and at the same time threw him
+your card.  Two of our officers were also present; and although, as it
+appears from your present forgetfulness, that the thing took place in the
+heat and excitement of the moment, still--"
+
+"But still," said I, catching up his last words, "I never did strike the
+gentleman as you describe--never had any altercation in the street--and--"
+
+"Is that your address?" said the Frenchman, with a slight bow.
+
+"Yes, certainly it is."
+
+"Why then," said he, with a slight curl of his upper lip--half smile,
+half derision--
+
+"Oh! make yourself perfectly easy," I replied.  "If any one has by an
+accident made use of my name, it shall not suffer by such a mistake.
+I shall be quite at your service, the moment I can find out a friend to
+refer you to."
+
+I had much difficulty to utter these few words with a suitable degree of
+temper, so stung was I by the insolent demeanour of the Frenchman, whose
+coolness and urbanity seemed only to increase every moment.
+
+"Then I have the honour to salute you," said he, rising with great
+mildness in his voice; "and shall take the liberty to leave my card for
+the information of your friend."
+
+So saying, he placed his card upon the table--"Le Capitaine Eugene de
+Joncourt, Cuirassiers de la Garde."
+
+"I need not press upon Monsieur the value of despatch."
+
+"I shall not lose a moment," said I, as he clattered down the stairs of
+the hotel, with that perfect swaggering nonchalance which a Frenchman is
+always an adept in; and I returned to my room, to meditate upon my
+numerous embarrassments, and think over the difficulties which every
+moment was contributing to increase the number of.
+
+"The indictment has certainly many counts," thought I.
+
+Imprimis--A half-implied, but fully comprehended promise to marry a young
+lady, with whom, I confess, I only intend to journey this life--as far as
+Baden.
+
+Secondly, a charge of swindling--for such the imputation goes to--at the
+Salon.
+
+Thirdly, another unaccountable delay in joining the Callonbys, with whom
+I am every hour in the risque of being "compromis;" and lastly, a duel in
+perspective with some confounded Frenchman, who is at this very moment
+practising at a pistol gallery.
+
+Such were the heads of my reflections, and such the agreeable impressions
+my visit to Paris was destined to open with; how they were to be followed
+up I reserve for another chapter.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Vol. 5
+
+[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]
+
+
+Dublin
+
+MDCCCXXXIX.
+
+
+
+Volume 5. (Chapter XXIX-XLI)
+
+
+Contents:
+
+CHAPTER XXIX
+Captain Trevanion's Adventure
+
+CHAPTER XXX
+Difficulties
+
+CHAPTER XXXI
+Explanation
+
+CHAPTER XXXII
+Mr O'Leary's First Love
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII
+Mr O'Leary's Second Love
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV
+The Duel
+
+CHAPTER XXXV
+Early Recollections--A First Love
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI
+Wise Resolves
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII
+The Proposal
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII
+Thoughts upon Matrimony in general, and in the Army in particular--The
+Knight of Kerry and Billy M'Cabe
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX
+A Reminiscence
+
+CHAPTER XL
+The Two Letters
+
+CHAPTER XLI
+Mr O'Leary's Capture
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXIX.
+
+CAPTAIN TREVANION'S ADVENTURE.
+
+As the day was now waning apace, and I was still unprovided with any one
+who could act as my second, I set out upon a search through the various
+large hotels in the neighbourhood, trusting that amid my numerous
+acquaintance I should be fortunate enough to find some of them at Paris.
+With a most anxious eye I scanned the lists of arrivals at the usual
+haunts of my countrymen, in the Rue Rivoli, and the Place Vendome, but
+without success; there were long catalogues of "Milors," with their
+"couriers," &c. but not one name known to me in the number.
+
+I repaired to Galignani's library, which, though crowded as ever with
+English, did not present to me one familiar face.  From thence I turned
+into the Palais Royale, and at last, completely jaded by walking, and
+sick from disappointment, I sat down upon a bench in the Tuilleries
+Garden.
+
+I had scarcely been there many minutes when a gentleman accosted me in
+English, saying, "May I ask if this be your property?" showing, at the
+same time, a pocket-book which I had inadvertently dropped in pulling out
+my handkerchief.  As I thanked him for his attention, and was about to
+turn away, I perceived that he continued to look very steadily at me.  At
+length he said,
+
+"I think I am not mistaken; I have the pleasure to see Mr. Lorrequer, who
+may perhaps recollect my name, Trevanion of the 43rd.  The last time we
+met was at Malta."
+
+"Oh, I remember perfectly.  Indeed I should be very ungrateful if I did
+not; for to your kind offices there I am indebted for my life.  You must
+surely recollect the street row at the 'Caserne?'"
+
+"Yes; that was a rather brisk affair while it lasted; but, pray, how long
+are you here?"
+
+"Merely a few days; and most anxious am I to leave as soon as possible;
+for, independently of pressing reasons to wish myself elsewhere, I have
+had nothing but trouble and worry since my arrival, and at this instant
+am involved in a duel, without the slightest cause that I can discover,
+and, what is still worse, without the aid of a single friend to undertake
+the requisite negociation for me."
+
+"If my services can in any way assist--"
+
+"Oh, my dear captain, this is really so great a favour that I cannot say
+how much I thank you."
+
+"Say nothing whatever, but rest quite assured that I am completely at
+your disposal; for although we are not very old friends, yet I have heard
+so much of you from some of ours, that I feel as if we had been long
+acquainted."
+
+This was an immense piece of good fortune to me; for, of all the persons
+I knew, he was the most suited to aid me at this moment.  In addition to
+a thorough knowledge of the continent and its habits, he spoke French
+fluently, and had been the most renomme authority in the duello to a
+large military acquaintance; joining to a consummate tact and cleverness
+in his diplomacy, a temper that never permitted itself to be ruffled, and
+a most unexceptionable reputation for courage.  In a word, to have had
+Trevanion for your second, was not only to have secured odds in your
+favour, but, still better, to have obtained the certainty that, let the
+affair take what turn it might, you were sure of coming out of it with
+credit.  He was the only man I have ever met, who had much mixed himself
+in transactions of this nature, and yet never, by any chance, had
+degenerated into the fire-eater; more quiet, unassuming manners it was
+impossible to meet with, and, in the various anecdotes I have heard of
+him, I have always traced a degree of forbearance, that men of less known
+bravery might not venture to practise.  At the same time, when once
+roused by any thing like premeditated insult--or pre-determined affront
+--he became almost ungovernable, and it would be safer to beard the lion
+in his den than cross his path.  Among the many stories, and there were a
+great many current in his regiment concerning him, there was one so
+singularly characteristic of the man, that, as I have passingly mentioned
+his name here, I may as well relate it; at the same time premising that,
+as it is well known, I may only be repeating an often-heard tale to many
+of my readers.
+
+When the regiment to which Trevanion belonged became part of the army of
+occupation in Paris, he was left at Versailles seriously ill from the
+effects of a sabre-wound he received at Waterloo, and from which his
+recovery at first was exceedingly doubtful.  At the end of several weeks,
+however, he became out of danger, and was able to receive the visits of
+his brother officers, whenever they were fortunate enough to obtain a
+day's leave of absence, to run down and see him.  From them he learned
+that one of his oldest friends in the regiment had fallen in a duel,
+during the time of his illness, and that two other officers were
+dangerously wounded--one of whom was not expected to survive.  When he
+inquired as to the reasons of these many disasters, he was informed that
+since the entrance of the allies into Paris, the French officers, boiling
+with rage and indignation at their recent defeat, and smarting under the
+hourly disgrace which the presence of their conquerors suggested, sought
+out, by every means in their power, opportunities of insult; but always
+so artfully contrived as to render the opposite party the challenger,
+thus reserving to themselves the choice of weapons.  When therefore it
+is borne in mind that the French are the most expert swordsmen in Europe,
+little doubt can exist as to the issue of these combats; and, in fact,
+scarcely a morning passed without three or four English or Prussian
+officers being carried through the Barriere de l'Etoile, if not dead, at
+least seriously wounded, and condemned to carry with them through life
+the inflictions of a sanguinary and savage spirit of revenge.
+
+While Trevanion listened to this sad recital, and scarcely did a day come
+without adding to the long catalogue of disasters, he at once perceived
+that the quiet deportment and unassuming demeanour which so strongly
+characterise the English officer, were construed by their French
+opponents into evidences of want of courage, and saw that to so
+systematic a plan for slaughter no common remedy could be applied, and
+that some "coup d'etat" was absolutely necessary, to put it down once
+and for ever.
+
+In the history of these sanguinary rencontres, one name was continually
+recurring, generally as the principal, sometimes the instigator of the
+quarrel.  This was an officer of a chasseur regiment, who had the
+reputation of being the best swordsman in the whole French army, and was
+no less distinguished for his "skill at fence," than his uncompromising
+hatred of the British, with whom alone, of all the allied forces, he was
+ever known to come in contact.  So celebrated was the "Capitaine Augustin
+Gendemar" for his pursuits, that it was well known at that time in Paris
+that he was the president of a duelling club, associated for the express
+and avowed object of provoking to insult, and as certainly dooming to
+death every English officer upon whom they could fasten a quarrel.
+
+The Cafe Philidor, at that period in the Rue Vivienne, was the rendezvous
+of this reputable faction, and here "le Capitaine" reigned supreme,
+receiving accounts of the various "affairs" which were transacting
+--counselling and plotting for the future.  His ascendancy among his
+countrymen was perfectly undisputed, and being possessed of great
+muscular strength, with that peculiarly "farouche" exterior, without
+which courage is nothing in France, he was in every way calculated for
+the infamous leadership he assumed.
+
+It was, unfortunately, to this same cafe, being situated in what was
+called the English quarter, that the officers of the 43rd regiment were
+in the habit of resorting, totally unaware of the plots by which they
+were surrounded, and quite unsuspecting the tangled web of deliberate and
+cold-blooded assassination in which they were involved, and here took
+place the quarrel, the result of which was the death of Trevanion's
+friend, a young officer of great promise, and universally beloved in his
+regiment.
+
+As Trevanion listened to these accounts, his impatience became daily
+greater, that his weak state should prevent his being among his brother
+officers, when his advice and assistance were so imperatively required,
+and where, amid all the solicitude for his perfect recovery, he could not
+but perceive they ardently wished for him.
+
+The day at last arrived, and restored to something like his former self,
+Trevanion once more appeared in the mess-room of his regiment.  Amid the
+many sincere and hearty congratulations on his recovered looks, were not
+a few half-expressed hints that he might not go much out into the world
+for some little time to come.  To these friendly admonitions Trevanion
+replied by a good-humoured laugh, and a ready assurance that he
+understood the intended kindness, and felt in no wise disposed to be
+invalided again.  "In fact," said he, "I have come up here to enjoy life
+a little, not to risque it; but, among the sights of your gay capital, I
+must certainly have a peep at your famed captain, of whom I have heard
+too much not to feel an interest in him."
+
+Notwithstanding the many objections to this, made with a view to delay
+his visit to the Philidor to a later period, it was at length agreed,
+that they should all repair to the cafe that evening, but upon the
+express understanding that every cause of quarrel should be strictly
+avoided, and that their stay should be merely sufficient to satisfy
+Trevanion's curiosity as to the personnel of the renomme captain.
+
+It was rather before the usual hour of the cafe's filling, that a number
+of English officers, among whom was Trevanion, entered the "salon" of the
+"Philidor;" having determined not to attract any unusual attention, they
+broke into little knots and parties of threes and fours, and dispersed
+through the room, where they either sipped their coffee or played at
+dominoes, then, as now, the staple resource of a French cafe.
+
+The clock over the "comptoir" struck eight, and, at the same instant,
+a waiter made his appearance, carrying a small table, which he placed
+beside the fire, and, having trimmed a lamp, and placed a large fauteuil
+before it, was about to withdraw, when Trevanion, whose curiosity was
+roused by the singularity of these arrangements, determined upon asking
+for whose comfort they were intended.  The waiter stared for a moment at
+the question, with an air as if doubting the seriousness of him who put
+it, and at last replied--"Pour Monsieur le Capitaine, je crois," with a
+certain tone of significance upon the latter words.
+
+"Le Capitaine! but what captain?" said he, carelessly; "for I am a
+captain, and that gentleman there--and there, too, is another," at the
+same instant throwing himself listlessly into the well-cushioned chair,
+and stretching out his legs at full length upon the hearth.
+
+The look of horror which this quiet proceeding on his part, elicited from
+the poor waiter, so astonished him that he could not help saying--"is
+there any thing the matter with you, my friend; are you ill?"
+
+"No, monsieur, not ill; nothing the matter with me; but you, sir; oh,
+you, sir, pray come away."
+
+"Me," said Trevanion; "me! why, my good man, I was never better in my
+life; so now just bring me my coffee and the Moniteur, if you have it;
+there, don't stare that way, but do as I bid you."
+
+There was something in the assured tone of these few words that either
+overawed or repressed every rising feeling of the waiter, for his
+interrogator; for, silently handing his coffee and the newspaper, he left
+the room; not, however, without bestowing a parting glance so full of
+terror and dismay that our friend was obliged to smile at it.  All this
+was the work of a few minutes, and not until the noise of new arrivals
+had attracted the attention of his brother officers, did they perceive
+where he had installed himself, and to what danger he was thus, as they
+supposed, unwittingly exposed.
+
+It was now, however, too late for remonstrance; for already several
+French officers had noticed the circumstance, and by their interchange of
+looks and signs, openly evinced their satisfaction at it, and their
+delight at the catastrophe which seemed inevitable to the luckless
+Englishman.
+
+In perfect misery at what they conceived their own fault, in not
+apprising him of the sacred character of that place, they stood silently
+looking at him as he continued to sip his coffee, apparently unconscious
+of every thing and person about him.
+
+There was now a more than ordinary silence in the cafe, which at all
+times was remarkable for the quiet and noiseless demeanour of its
+frequenters, when the door was flung open by the ready waiter, and the
+Capitaine Augustin Gendemar entered.  He was a large, squarely-built man,
+with a most savage expression of countenance, which a bushy beard and
+shaggy overhanging moustache served successfully to assist; his eyes were
+shaded by deep, projecting brows, and long eyebrows slanting over them,
+and increasing their look of piercing sharpness; there was in his whole
+air and demeanour that certain French air of swaggering bullyism, which
+ever remained in those who, having risen from the ranks, maintained the
+look of ruffianly defiance which gave their early character for courage
+peculiar merit.
+
+To the friendly salutations of his countrymen he returned the slightest
+and coldest acknowledgments, throwing a glance of disdain around him as
+he wended his way to his accustomed place beside the fire; this he did
+with as much of noise and swagger as he could well contrive; his sabre
+and sabretasch clanking behind, his spurs jangling, and his heavy step,
+made purposely heavier to draw upon him the notice and attention he
+sought for.  Trevanion alone testified no consciousness of his entrance,
+and appeared totally engrossed by the columns of his newspaper, from
+which he never lifted his eyes for an instant.  Le Capitaine at length
+reached the fire-place, when, no sooner did he behold his accustomed seat
+in the possession of another, than he absolutely started back with
+surprise and anger.
+
+What might have been his first impulse it is hard to say, for, as the
+blood rushed to his face and forehead, he clenched his hands firmly, and
+seemed for an instant, as he eyed the stranger, like a tiger about to
+spring upon its victim; this was but for a second, for turning rapidly
+round towards his party, he gave them a look of peculiar meaning, showing
+two rows of white teeth, with a grin which seemed to say, "I have taken
+my line;" and he had done so.  He now ordered the waiter, in a voice of
+thunder, to bring him a chair, this he took roughly from him, and placed,
+with a crash, upon the floor, exactly opposite that of Trevanion, and
+still so near as scarcely to permit of his sitting down upon it.  The
+noisy vehemence of this action at last appeared to have roused
+Trevanion's attention, for he now, for the first time, looked up from his
+paper, and quietly regarded his vis-a-vis.  There could not in the world
+be a stronger contrast to the bland look and courteous expression of
+Trevanion's handsome features, than the savage scowl of the enraged
+Frenchman, in whose features the strong and ill-repressed workings of
+passion were twitching and distorting every lineament and line; indeed no
+words could ever convey one half so forcibly as did that look, insult
+--open, palpable, deep, determined insult.
+
+Trevanion, whose eyes had been merely for a moment lifted from his
+paper, again fell, and he appeared to take no notice whatever of the
+extraordinary proximity of the Frenchman, still less of the savage and
+insulting character of his looks.
+
+Le Capitaine, having thus failed to bring on the eclaircissement he
+sought for, proceeded to accomplish it by other means; for, taking the
+lamp, by the light of which Trevanion was still reading, he placed it at
+his side of the table, and at the same instant stretching across his arm,
+he plucked the newspaper from his hand, giving at the same moment a
+glance of triumph towards the bystanders, as though he would say, "you
+see what he must submit to."  Words cannot describe the astonishment of
+the British officers, as they beheld Trevanion, under this gross and open
+insult, content himself by a slight smile and half bow, as if returning
+a courtesy, and then throw his eyes downward, as if engaged in deep
+thought, while the triumphant sneer of the French, at this unaccountable
+conduct, was absolutely maddening to them to endure.
+
+But their patience was destined to submit to stronger proof, for at this
+instant le Capitaine stretched forth one enormous leg, cased in his
+massive jack-boot, and with a crash deposited the heel upon the foot of
+their friend Trevanion.  At length he is roused, thought they, for a
+slight flush of crimson flitted across his cheek, and his upper lip
+trembled with a quick spasmodic twitching; but both these signs were over
+in a second, and his features were as calm and unmoved as before, and his
+only appearance of consciousness of the affront, was given by his drawing
+back his chair and placing his legs beneath it, as for protection.
+
+This last insult, and the tame forbearance with which it was submitted
+to, produced all their opposite effects upon the by-standers, and
+looks of ungovernable rage and derisive contempt were every moment
+interchanging; indeed, were it not for the all-absorbing interest which
+the two great actors in the scene had concentrated upon themselves, the
+two parties must have come at once into open conflict.
+
+The clock of the cafe struck nine, the hour at which Gendemar always
+retired, so calling to the waiter for his petit verre of brandy, he
+placed his newspaper upon the table, and putting both his elbows upon it,
+and his chin upon his hands, he stared full in Trevanion's face, with a
+look of the most derisive triumph, meant to crown the achievement of the
+evening.  To this, as to all his former insults, Trevanion appeared still
+insensible, and merely regarded him with his never--changing half smile;
+the petite verre arrived; le Capitaine took it in his hand, and, with a
+nod of most insulting familiarity, saluted Trevanion, adding with a loud
+voice, so as to be heard on every side--"a votre courage, Anglais."  He
+had scarcely swallowed the liqueur when Trevanion rose slowly from his
+chair, displaying to the astonished gaze of the Frenchman the immense
+proportions and gigantic frame of a man well known as the largest officer
+in the British army; with one stride he was beside the chair of the
+Frenchman, and with the speed of lightening he seized his nose by one
+hand, while with the other he grasped his lower jaw, and, wrenching open
+his mouth with the strength of an ogre, he spat down his throat.
+
+So sudden was the movement, that before ten seconds had elapsed, all was
+over, and the Frenchman rushed from the room, holding the fragments of
+his jaw-bone, (for it was fractured!) And followed by his countrymen,
+who, from that hour, deserted the Cafe Philidor, nor was there ever any
+mention of the famous captain during the stay of the regiment in Paris.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXX.
+
+DIFFICULTIES.
+
+While we walked together towards Meurice, I explained to Trevanion the
+position in which I stood; and having detailed, at full length, the
+fracas at the Salon, and the imprisonment of O'Leary, entreated his
+assistance in behalf of him, as well as to free me from some of my many
+embarrassments.
+
+It was strange enough--though at first so pre-occupied was I with other
+thoughts, that I paid but little attention to it--that no part of my
+eventful evening seemed to make so strong an impression on him as my
+mention of having seen my cousin Guy, and heard from him of the death of
+my uncle.  At this portion of my story he smiled, with so much
+significance of meaning, that I could not help asking his reason.
+
+"It is always an unpleasant task, Mr. Lorrequer, to speak in any way,
+however delicately, in a tone of disparagement of a man's relatives; and,
+therefore, as we are not long enough acquainted--"
+
+"But pray," said I, "waive that consideration, and only remember the
+position in which I now am.  If you know any thing of this business, I
+entreat you to tell me--I promise to take whatever you may be disposed to
+communicate, in the same good part it is intended."
+
+"Well, then, I believe you are right; but, first, let me ask you, how do
+you know of your uncle's death; for I have reason to doubt it?"
+
+"From Guy; he told me himself."
+
+"When did you see him, and where?"
+
+"Why, I have just told you; I saw him last night at the Salon."
+
+"And you could not be mistaken?"
+
+"Impossible!  Besides, he wrote to me a note which I received this
+morning--here it is."
+
+"Hem--ha.  Well, are you satisfied that this is his handwriting?" said
+Trevanion, as he perused the note slowly twice over.
+
+"Why, of course--but stop--you are right; it is not his hand, nor do I
+know the writing, now that you direct my attention to it.  But what can
+that mean?  You, surely, do not suppose that I have mistaken any one for
+him; for, independent of all else, his knowledge of my family, and my
+uncle's affairs, would quite disprove that."
+
+"This is really a complex affair," said Trevanion, musingly.  "How long
+may it be since you saw your cousin--before last night, I mean?"
+
+"Several years; above six, certainly."
+
+"Oh, it is quite possible, then," said Trevanion, musingly; "do you know,
+Mr. Lorrequer, this affair seems much more puzzling to me than to you,
+and for this plain reason--I am disposed to think you never saw your
+cousin last night."
+
+"Why, confound it, there is one circumstance that I think may satisfy you
+on that head.  You will not deny that I saw some one, who very much
+resembled him; and certainly, as he lent me above three thousand franks
+to play with at the table, it looks rather more like his act than that of
+a perfect stranger."
+
+"Have you got the money?" asked Trevanion dryly.
+
+"Yes," said I; "but certainly you are the most unbelieving of mortals,
+and I am quite happy that I have yet in my possession two of the billets
+de banque, for, I suppose, without them, you would scarcely credit me."
+I here opened my pocket-book, and produced the notes.
+
+He took them, examined them attentively for an instant, held them between
+him and the light, refolded them, and, having placed them in my
+pocket-book, said--"I thought as much--they are forgeries."
+
+"Hold!" said I, "my cousin Guy, whatever wildness he may have committed,
+is yet totally incapable of--"
+
+"I never said the contrary, replied Trevanion, in the same dry tone as
+before.
+
+"Then what can you mean, for I see no alternative between that and
+totally discrediting the evidence of my senses?"
+
+"Perhaps I can suggest a middle course," said Trevanion; "lend me,
+therefore, a patient hearing for a few moments, and I may be able to
+throw some light upon this difficult matter.  You may never have heard
+that there is, in this same city of Paris, a person so extremely like
+your cousin Guy, that his most intimate friends have daily mistaken one
+for the other, and this mistake has the more often been made, from the
+circumstances of their both being in the habit of frequenting the same
+class in society, where, knowing and walking with the same people, the
+difficulty of discriminating has been greatly increased.  This
+individual, who has too many aliases for one to know which to
+particularise him by, is one of that numerous order of beings whom a
+high state of civilization is always engendering and throwing up on the
+surface of society; he is a man of low birth and mean connexions, but
+gifted with most taking manners and an unexceptionable address and
+appearance; these advantages, and the possession of apparently
+independent means, have opened to him the access to a certain set of
+people, who are well known and well received in society, and obtained for
+him, what he prizes much more, the admission into several clubs where
+high play is carried on.  In this mixed assemblage, which sporting habits
+and gambling, (that grand leveller of all distinctions,) have brought
+together, this man and your cousin Guy met frequently, and, from the
+constant allusion to the wonderful resemblance between them, your
+eccentric cousin, who, I must say, was never too select in his
+acquaintances, frequently amused himself by practical jokes upon their
+friends, which served still more to nurture the intimacy between them;
+and from this habit, Mr. Dudley Morewood, for such is his latest
+patronymic, must have enjoyed frequent opportunities of hearing much of
+your family and relations, a species of information he never neglected,
+though at the moment it might appear not so immediately applicable to his
+purposes.  Now, this man, who knows of every new English arrival in
+Paris, with as much certainty as the police itself, would at once be
+aware of your being here, and having learned from Guy how little
+intercourse there had been of late years between you, would not let slip
+an opportunity of availing himself of the likeness, if any thing could
+thereby turn to his profit."
+
+"Stop," cried I; "you have opened my eyes completely, for now I remember
+that, as I continued to win last night, this man, who was playing hazard
+at another table, constantly borrowed from me, but always in gold,
+invariably refusing the billets de banque as too high for his game."
+
+"There his object was clear enough; for besides obtaining your gold, he
+made you the means of disseminating his false billets de banque."
+
+"So that I have been actually playing and winning upon this fellow's
+forgeries," said I; "and am perhaps at this very instant inscribed in the
+'Livre noir' of the police, as a most accomplished swindler; but what
+could be the intention of his note of this morning?"
+
+"As to that," said Trevanion, "it is hard to say; one thing you may
+assuredly rely upon--it is not an unnecessary epistle, whatever be its
+object; he never wastes his powder when the game flies too high; so we
+must only wait patiently for the unravelment of his plans, satisfied that
+we, at least, know something.  What most surprises me is, his venturing,
+at present, to appear in public; for it is not above two months since an
+escapade of his attracted so much attention of the play world here, that
+he was obliged to leave, and it was supposed that he would never return
+to Paris."
+
+"One piece of good fortune there is at least," said I, "which, I can
+safely say repays me for any and all the annoyance this unhappy affair
+may cause me; it is, that my poor old uncle is still alive and well.
+Not all my anticipated pleasures, in newly acquired wealth, could have
+afforded me the same gratification that this fact does, for, although
+never so much his favourite as my cousin, yet the sense of protection
+--the feeling of confidence, which is inseparable from the degree of
+relationship between us--standing, as he has ever done, in the light
+of a father to me, is infinitely more pleasurable than the possession of
+riches, which must ever suggest to me, the recollection of a kind friend
+lost to me for ever.  But so many thoughts press on me--so many effects
+of this affair are staring me in the face--I really know not which way to
+turn, nor can I even collect my ideas sufficiently, to determine what is
+first to be done."
+
+"Leave all that to me," said Trevanion; "it is a tangled web, but I think
+I can unravel it; meanwhile, where does the Militaire reside? for, among
+all your pressing engagements, this affair with the Frenchman must come
+off first; and for this reason, although you are not really obliged to
+give him satisfaction, by his merely producing your card, and insisting
+that you are to be responsible for the misdeeds of any one who might show
+it as his own address, yet I look upon it as a most fortunate thing,
+while charges so heavy may be at this moment hanging over your head, as
+the proceedings of last night involve, that you have a public opportunity
+of meeting an antagonist in the field--thereby evincing no fear of
+publicity, nor any intention of absconding; for be assured, that the
+police are at this moment in possession of what has occurred, and from
+the fracas which followed, are well disposed to regard the whole as a
+concerted scheme to seize upon the property of the banque, a not uncommon
+wind-up here after luck fails.  My advice is therefore, meet the man at
+once; I shall take care that the prefect is informed that you have been
+imposed upon by a person passing himself off as your relative, and enter
+bail for your appearance, whenever you are called upon; that being done,
+we shall have time for a moment's respite to look around us, and consider
+the other bearings of this difficult business."
+
+"Here, then, is the card of address," said I; "Eugene Dejoncourt
+Capitaine de Cavalerie, No. 8, Chausse D'Antin."
+
+"Dejoncourt! why, confound it, this is not so pleasant; he is about the
+best shot in Paris, and a very steady swordsman besides, I don't like
+this."
+
+"But you forget he is the friend, not the principal here."
+
+"The more good fortune yours," said Trevanion, drily; "for I acknowledge
+I should not give much for your chance at twenty paces opposite his
+pistol; then who is the other?"
+
+"Le Baron d'Haulpenne," said I, "and his name is all that I know of him;
+his very appearance is unknown to me."
+
+"I believe I am acquainted with him," said Trevanion; "but here we are at
+Meurice.  Now I shall just write a few lines to a legal friend, who will
+manage to liberate Mr. O'Leary, whose services we shall need, two persons
+are usual on each side in this country, and then, 'a l'ouvrage.'"
+
+The note written and despatched; Trevanion jumped into a cab, and set out
+for the Chausse D'Antin; leaving me to think over, as well as I could,
+the mass of trouble and confusion that twenty-four hours of life in Paris
+had involved me in.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXI.
+
+EXPLANATION.
+
+It was past seven o'clock when Trevanion made his appearance, accompanied
+by O'Leary; and having in few words informed me that a meeting was fixed
+for the following morning, near St. Cloud, proposed that we should go to
+dinner at Verey's, after which we should have plenty of time to discuss
+the various steps to be taken.  As we were leaving the hotel for this
+purpose, a waiter requested of me to permit Mr. Meurice to speak a few
+words to me; which, having agreed to, I entered the little bureau where
+this Czar of hotels sits enthroned, and what was my surprise to learn the
+request he had to prefer, was nothing less than that I would so far
+oblige him as to vacate the room I possessed in the hotel, adding that my
+compliance would confer upon him the power to accommodate a "milor" who
+had written for apartments, and was coming with a large suite of
+servants.  Suspecting that some rumour of the late affair at Frescati
+might have influenced my friend Meurice in this unusual demand, I
+abruptly refused, and was about to turn away, when he, perhaps guessing
+that I had not believed his statements, handed me an open letter, saying,
+"You see, sir, this is the letter; and, as I am so pressed for spare
+room, I must now refuse the writer."
+
+As my eye glanced at the writing, I started back with amazement to
+perceive it was in my cousin Guy's hand, requesting that apartments might
+be retained for Sir Guy Lorrequer, my uncle, who was to arrive in Paris
+by the end of the week.  If any doubt had remained on my mind as to the
+deception I had been duped by, this would completely have dispelled it,
+but I had long before been convinced of the trick, and only wondered how
+the false Guy--Mr. Dudley Morewood--had contrived to present himself to
+me so opportunely, and by what means, in so short a space of time, he had
+become acquainted with my personal appearance.
+
+As I mentioned this circumstance of the letter to Trevanion, he could not
+conceal his satisfaction at his sagacity in unravelling the mystery,
+while this new intelligence confirmed the justness and accuracy of all
+his explanations.
+
+While we walked along towards the Palais Royale, Trevanion endeavoured
+not very successfully, to explain to my friend O'Leary, the nature of the
+trick which had been practised, promising, at another time, some
+revelations concerning the accomplished individual who had planned it,
+which, in boldness and daring, eclipsed even this.
+
+Any one who in waking has had the confused memory of a dream in which
+events have been so mingled and mixed as to present no uniform narrative,
+but only a mass of strange and incongruous occurrences, without object or
+connexion, may form some notion of the state of restless excitement my
+brain suffered from, as the many and conflicting ideas my late adventures
+suggested, presented themselves to my mind in rapid succession.
+
+The glare, the noise, and the clatter of a French cafe are certainly not
+the agents most in request for restoring a man to the enjoyment of his
+erring faculties; and, if I felt addled and confused before, I had
+scarcely passed the threshold of Verey's when I became absolutely like
+one in a trance.  The large salon was more than usually crowded, and it
+was with difficulty that we obtained a place at a table where some other
+English were seated, among whom I recognised by lately made acquaintance,
+Mr. Edward Bingham.
+
+Excepting a cup of coffee I had taken nothing the entire day, and so
+completely did my anxieties of different kinds subdue all appetite, that
+the most recherche viands of this well-known restaurant did not in the
+least tempt me.  The champagne alone had any attraction for me; and,
+seduced by the icy coldness of the wine, I drank copiously.  This was all
+that was wanting to complete the maddening confusion of my brain, and the
+effect was instantaneous; the lights danced before my eyes; the lustres
+whirled round; and, as the scattered fragments of conversations, on
+either side met my ear, I was able to form some not very inaccurate
+conception of what insanity may be.  Politics and literature, Mexican
+bonds and Noblet's legs, Pates de perdreaux and the quarantine laws, the
+extreme gauche and the "Bains Chinois," Victor Hugo and rouge et noir,
+had formed a species of grand ballet d'action in my fevered brain, and I
+was perfectly beside myself; occasionally, too, I would revert to my own
+concerns, although I was scarcely able to follow up any train of thought
+for more than a few seconds together, and totally inadequate to
+distinguish the false from the true.  I continued to confound the
+counterfeit with my cousin, and wonder how my poor uncle, for whom I was
+about to put on the deepest mourning, could possibly think of driving me
+out of my lodgings.  Of my duel for the morning, I had the most shadowy
+recollection, and could not perfectly comprehend whether it was O'Leary
+or I was the principal, and indeed cared but little.  In this happy state
+of independent existence I must have passed a considerable time, and as
+my total silence when spoken to, or my irrelevant answers, appeared to
+have tired out my companions, they left me to the uninterrupted enjoyment
+of my own pleasant imaginings.
+
+"Do you hear, Lorrequer," at last said Trevanion; "are you asleep, my
+dear friend?  This gentleman has been good enough to invite us to
+breakfast to-morrow at St. Cloud."
+
+I looked up, and was just able to recognise the well-trimmed moustache of
+Mr. Edward Bingham, as he stood mumbling something before me.  "St. Cloud
+--what of St. Cloud?" said I.
+
+"We have something in that quarter to-morrow."
+
+"What is it, O'Leary?  Can we go?"
+
+"Oh! certainly--our engagement's an early one."
+
+"We shall accept your polite invitation with pleasure"--
+
+Here he stooped over, and whispered something in my ear; what, I cannot
+say, but I know that my reply, now equally lost to me, produced a hearty
+fit of laughing to my two friends.
+
+My next recollection is, finding myself in a crowded loge at the theatre.
+It seems that O'Leary had acceded to a proposal from some of the other
+party to accompany them to the Porte St. Martin, where Mrs. Bingham and
+her daughter had engaged a box.  Amid all the confusion which troubled
+thoughts and wine produced in me, I could not help perceiving a studied
+politeness and attention on the part of Mr. Edward Bingham towards me;
+and my first sobering reflection came, on finding that a place was
+reserved for me beside Miss Bingham, into which, by some contrivance I
+can in no wise explain, I found myself almost immediately installed.  To
+all the excitements of champagne and punch, let the attractions of a
+French ballet be added, and, with a singularly pretty companion at your
+side, to whom you have already made sufficient advances to be aware that
+you are no longer indifferent to her, and I venture to predict, that it
+is much more likely your conversation will incline to flirting than
+political economy; and, moreover, that you make more progress during the
+performance of one single pas de deux upon the stage, than you have
+hitherto done in ten morning calls, with an unexceptionable whisker and
+the best fitting gloves in Paris.  Alas! alas! it is only the rich man
+that ever wins at rouge et noir.  The well-insured Indiaman, with her
+cargo of millions, comes safe into port; while the whole venture of some
+hardy veteran of the wave, founders within sight of his native shore.  So
+is it ever; where success would be all and every thing, it never comes
+--but only be indifferent or regardless, and fortune is at your feet,
+suing and imploring your acceptance of her favours.  What would I not
+have given for one half of that solicitude now so kindly expressed in my
+favour by Miss Bingham, if syllabled by the lips of Lady Jane Callonby
+--how would my heart have throbbed for one light smile from one, while I
+ungratefully basked in the openly avowed preference of the other.  These
+were my first thoughts--what were the succeeding ones?
+
+"Comment elle est belle," said a Frenchwoman, turning round in the box
+next to us, and directing at the same moment the eyes of a moustached
+hero upon my fair companion.
+
+What a turn to my thoughts did this unexpected ejaculation give rise to!
+I now began to consider her more attentively, and certainly concurred
+fully in the Frenchwoman's verdict.  I had never see her look half so
+well before.  The great fault in her features, which were most
+classically regular, lay in the monotony and uniform character of their
+expression.  Now this was quite changed.  Her cheek was slightly flushed,
+and her eyes more brilliant than ever; while her slightly parted lips
+gave a degree of speaking earnestness to her expression, that made her
+perfectly beautiful.
+
+Whether it was from this cause I cannot say, but I certainly never felt
+so suddenly decided in my life from one course to its very opposite, as I
+now did to make l'aimable to my lovely companion.  And here, I fear, I
+must acknowledge, in the honesty of these confessional details, that
+vanity had also its share in the decision.  To be the admitted and
+preferred suitor of the prettiest woman in company, is generally a strong
+inducement to fall desperately in love with her, independently of other
+temptations for so doing.
+
+How far my successes tallied with my good intentions in this respect, I
+cannot now say.  I only remember, that more than once O'Leary whispered
+to me something like a caution of some sort or other; but Emily's
+encouraging smiles and still more encouraging speeches had far more
+effect upon me than all the eloquence of the united service, had it been
+engaged in my behalf, would have effected.  Mrs. Bingham, too--who, to do
+her justice, seemed but little cognisant of our proceedings--from time to
+time evinced that species of motherly satisfaction which very young men
+rejoice much in, and older ones are considerably alarmed at.
+
+The play over O'Leary charged himself with the protection of madam,
+while I enveloped Emily in her cachmere, and drew her arm within my own.
+What my hand had to do with her's I know not; it remains one of the
+unexplained difficulties of that eventful evening.  I have, it is true,
+a hazy recollection of pressing some very taper and delicately formed
+finger--and remember, too, the pain I felt next morning on awaking, by
+the pressure of a too tight ring, which had, by some strange accident,
+found its way to my finger, for which its size was but ill adapted.
+
+"You will join us at supper, I hope," said Mrs. Bingham, as Trevanion
+handed her to her carriage.  "Mr. Lorrequer, Mr. O'Leary, we shall expect
+you."
+
+I was about to promise to do so, when Trevanion, suddenly interrupted
+me, saying that he had already accepted an invitation, which would,
+unfortunately, prevent us; and having hastily wished the ladies good
+night, hurried me away so abruptly, that I had not a moment given for
+even one parting look at the fair Emily.
+
+"Why, Trevanion," said I, "what invitation are you dreaming of?  I, for
+one, should have been delighted to have gone home with the Binghams."
+
+"So I perceived," said Trevanion, gravely; "and it was for that precise
+reason I so firmly refused what, individually, I should have been most
+happy to accept."
+
+"Then, pray, have the goodness to explain."
+
+"It is easily done.  You have already, in recounting your manifold
+embarrassments, told me enough of these people, to let me see that they
+intend you should marry among them; and, indeed, you have gone quite far
+enough to encourage such an expectation.  Your present excited state has
+led you sufficiently far this evening, and I could not answer for your
+not proposing in all form before the supper was over; therefore, I had no
+other course open to me than positively to refuse Mrs. Bingham's
+invitation.  But here we are now at the 'Cadran rouge;' we shall have our
+lobster and a glass of Moselle, and then to bed, for we must not forget
+that we are to be at St. Cloud by seven."
+
+"Ah! that is a good thought of yours about the lobster," said O'Leary;
+"and now, as you understand these matters, just order supper, and let us
+enjoy ourselves."
+
+With all the accustomed despatch of a restaurant, a most appetizing petit
+souper made its speedy appearance; and although now perfectly divested of
+the high excitement which had hitherto possessed me, my spirits were
+excellent, and I never more relished our good fare and good fellowship.
+
+After a full bumper to the health of the fair Emily had been proposed and
+drained by all three, Trevanion again explained how much more serious
+difficulty would result from any false step in that quarter than from all
+my other scrapes collectively.
+
+This he represented so strongly, that for the first time I began to
+perceive the train of ill consequences that must inevitably result, and
+promised most faithfully to be guided by any counsel he might feel
+disposed to give me.
+
+"Ah! what a pity," said O'Leary, "it is not my case.  It's very little
+trouble it would cost any one to break off a match for me.  I had always
+a most peculiar talent for those things.
+
+"Indeed!" said Trevanion.  "Pray, may we know your secret? for, perhaps,
+ere long we may have occasion for its employment."
+
+"Tell it, by all means," said I.
+
+"If I do," said O'Leary, "it will cost you a patient hearing; for my
+experiences are connected with two episodes in my early life, which,
+although not very amusing, are certainly instructive."
+
+"Oh! by all means, let us hear them," said Trevanion; "for we have yet
+two bottles of chambertin left, and must finish them ere we part."
+
+"Well, agreed," said O'Leary; "only, once for all, as what I am about to
+confide is strictly confidential, you must promise never even to allude
+to it hereafter in even the most remote manner, much less indulge in any
+unseemly mirth at what I shall relate."
+
+Having pledged ourselves to secrecy and a becoming seriousness, O'Leary
+began his story as follows:--
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXII.
+
+MR. O'LEARY'S FIRST LOVE.
+
+"It was during the vice-royalty of the late Duke of Richmond that the
+incidents I am about to mention took place.  That was a few years since,
+and I was rather younger, and a little more particular about my dress
+than at present."  Here the little man cast an eye of stoical
+satisfaction upon his uncouth habiliments, that nearly made us forget our
+compact, and laugh outright.  "Well, in those wild and headstrong days of
+youthful ardour, I fell in love--desperately in love--and as always is, I
+believe, the case with our early experiments in that unfortunate passion,
+the object of my affection was in every way unsuited to me.  She was a
+tall, dark-haired, dark-eyed maiden, with a romantic imagination, and a
+kind of a half-crazed poetic fervour, that often made me fear for her
+intellect.  I'm a short, rather fat--I was always given this way"--here
+he patted a waistcoat that would fit Dame Lambert--"happy-minded little
+fellow, that liked my supper of oysters at the Pigeon-house, and my other
+creature-comforts, and hated every thing that excited or put one out of
+one's way, just as I would have hated a blister.  Then, the devil would
+have it--for as certainly as marriages are made in heaven, flirtations
+have something to say to the other place--that I should fall most
+irretrievably in love with Lady Agnes Moreton.  Bless my soul, it
+absolutely puts me in a perspiration this hot day, just to think over all
+I went through on her account; for, strange to say, the more I appeared
+to prosper in her good graces, the more did she exact on my part; the
+pursuit was like Jacob's ladder--if it did lead to heaven it was
+certainly an awfully long journey, and very hard on one's legs.  There
+was not an amusement she could think of, no matter how unsuited to my
+tastes or my abilities, that she did not immediately take a violent fancy
+to; and then there was no escaping, and I was at once obliged to go with
+the tide, and heaven knows if it would not have carried me to my grave if
+it were not for the fortunate (I now call it) accident that broke off the
+affair for ever.  One time she took a fancy for yachting, and all the
+danglers about her--and she always had a cordon of them--young
+aides-de-camp of her father the general, and idle hussars, in clanking
+sabertasches and most absurd mustachios--all approved of the taste, and
+so kept filling her mind with anecdotes of corsairs and smugglers, that
+at last nothing would satisfy her till I--I who always would rather have
+waited for low water, and waded the Liffey in all its black mud, than
+cross over in the ferry-boat, for fear of sickness--I was obliged to put
+an advertisement in the newspaper for a pleasure-boat, and, before three
+weeks, saw myself owner of a clinker-built schooner, of forty-eight tons,
+that by some mockery of fortune was called 'The Delight.'  I wish you saw
+me, as you might have done every morning for about a month, as I stood on
+the Custom-house quay, giving orders for the outfit of the little craft.
+At first, as she bobbed and pitched with the flood-tide, I used to be a
+little giddy and rather qualmish, but at last I learned to look on
+without my head reeling.  I began to fancy myself very much of a sailor,
+a delusion considerably encouraged by a huge P. jacket and a sou'-wester,
+both of which, though it was in the dog-days, Agnes insisted upon my
+wearing, saying I looked more like Dirk Hatteraick, who, I understood,
+was one of her favourite heroes in Walter Scott.  In fact, after she
+suggested this, she and all her friends called me nothing but Dirk.
+
+"Well, at last, after heaven knows how many excuses on my part, and
+entreaties for delay, a day was appointed for our first excursion.  I
+shall never forget that day--the entire night before it I did not close
+my eyes; the skipper had told me in his confounded sea-jargon, that if
+the wind was in one quarter we should have a short tossing sea; and if in
+another a long rolling swell; and if in a third, a happy union of both
+--in fact, he made it out that it could not possibly blow right, an
+opinion I most heartily coincided in, and most devoutly did I pray for a
+calm, that would not permit of our stirring from our moorings, and thus
+mar our projected party of pleasure.  My prayer was unheard, but my hopes
+rose on the other hand, for it blew tremendously during the entire night,
+and although there was a lull towards morning, the sea, even in the
+river, was considerable.
+
+"I had just come to the conclusion that I was safe for this time, when
+the steward poked his head into the room and said,
+
+"'Mr. Brail wishes to know, sir, if he'll bend the new mainsail to-day,
+as it's blowing rather fresh, and he thinks the spars light.'
+
+"'Why the devil take him, he would not have us go out in a hurricane;
+surely, Pipes, we could not take out ladies to-day?'
+
+"'O, bless your heart, yes, sir; it blows a bit to be sure, but she's a
+good sea-boat, and we can run for Arklow or the Hook, if it comes
+fresher.'
+
+"'Oh, nonsense, there's no pleasure in that; besides I'm sure they won't
+like it--the ladies won't venture, you'll see.'
+
+"'Ay sir, but they're all on board already: there's eight ladies in the
+cabin, and six on deck, and as many hampers of victuals and as much
+crockery as if we were a-goin' to Madeira.  Captain Grantham, sir, the
+soldier officer, with the big beard, is a mixing punch in the grog-tub.'
+
+"'From the consequences of this day I proclaim myself innocent,' said I
+with a solemn voice, as I drew on my duck trowsers, and prepared to set
+out.
+
+"'And the mainsail, sir,' said the steward, not understanding what I
+said.
+
+"'I care not which,' said I, doggedly; 'act or part in this wilful
+proceeding I'll not take.'
+
+"'Ay, ay, sir,' said the stupid wretch, 'then I'll say you're coming, and
+he may stretch the large canvas; for the skipper says he likes a wet
+jacket when he has gentlemen out.'
+
+"Never did a victim put on a flame-coloured garment, the emblem of fate,
+and set out on the march of death, with a heavier heart, than did I put
+on my pilot-coat that morning to join my friends.
+
+"My last hope deserted me as I saw the little vessel lying beside the
+quay; for I continued to trust that in getting out from the dock some
+accident or mischance might occur to spoil our sport.  But no; there she
+lay, rolling and pitching in such a way that, even at anchor, they could
+not stand on the deck without holding.  Amid the torrent of compliments
+for the perfection of all my arrangements, and innumerable sweet things
+on my taste in the decoration and fitting up of my cabin, I scarcely felt
+myself afloat for some minutes, and we got under weigh amid a noise and
+uproar that absolutely prevented the possibility of thought.
+
+"Hitherto our destination had not been mentioned, and as all the party
+appealed to Lady Agnes, I could not be less gallant, and joined them in
+their request.
+
+"'Well then, what do you think of Lambay?' said she, looking at the same
+moment towards the skipper.
+
+"'We can make it, my lady,' said the man, 'but we'll have a roughish sea
+of it, for there's a strong point of westward in the wind.'
+
+"'Then don't think of it,' said I.  'We have come out for pleasure, not
+to make our friends sick, or terrify them.  It does very well for us
+men.'
+
+"'There you are, Dirk, with your insolent sneers about women's nerves and
+female cowardice.  Now, nothing but Lambay will content me--what say you,
+ladies?'
+
+"A general reply of approval met this speech, and it was carried by
+acclamation.
+
+"'Lambay then be it,' said I, with the voice of a man, who, entreating to
+be shot, is informed that he cannot be afforded that pleasure, as his
+sentence is to be hanged.  But I must hasten over these painful
+recollections.  We dropped down the river, and soon left the light-house
+and its long pier behind us, the mast bending like a whip, and the sea
+boiling like barm over the lee gunwale.  Still the spirit of our party
+only rose the lighter, and nothing but eulogies upon the men and sailing
+of the craft resounded on all sides; the din and buz of the conversation
+went on only more loudly and less restrictedly than if the party had been
+on shore, and all, even myself, seemed happy, for up to this moment I had
+not been sea-sick, yet certain pleasant sensations, that alternately
+evinced themselves in my stomach and my head, warned me of what was in
+store for me.  The word was now given to tack; I was in the act of
+essaying a soft speech to Lady Agnes, when the confounded cry of 'ready
+about, starboard there, let go sheets and tacks, stand by, hawl.'  The
+vessel plunged head-foremost into the boiling sea, which hissed on either
+bow; the heavy boom swung over, carrying my hat along with it--and almost
+my head too.  The rest of the party, possibly better informed than
+myself, speedily changed their places to the opposite side of the boat,
+while I remained holding off fast by the gunwale, till the sea rushing
+over, what was now becoming the lee-side, carried me head over heels into
+the shingle ballast in the waist.  Lord, how they did laugh!  Agnes, too,
+who never before could get beyond a very faint smile, grew almost
+hysterical at my performance.  As for me, I only wanted this to complete
+my long threatened misfortune; sea sickness in all its most miserable
+forms, set in upon me, and, ere half an hour, I lay upon that heap of
+small stones, as indifferent to all round and about me as though I were
+dead.  Oh, the long, dreary hours of that melancholy day; it seemed like
+a year.  They tacked and tacked, they were beat and tacked again, the sea
+washing over me, and the ruffianly sailors trampling upon me without the
+slightest remorse, whenever they had any occasion to pass back or
+forward.  From my long trance of suffering I was partly roused by the
+steward shaking my shoulder, saying,
+
+"'The gentlemen wish to know, sir, if you'd like summat to eat, as
+they're a goin' to have a morsel; we are getting into slack water now.'
+
+"'Where are we?' I replied, in a sepulchral voice.
+
+"'Off the Hook, sir; we have had a most splendid run, but I fear we'll
+catch it soon; there's some dirty weather to the westward.'
+
+"'God grant it,' said I, piously and in a low tone.
+
+"'Did you say you'd have a bit to eat. Sir?'
+
+"'No!--eat!--am I a cannibal?--eat--go away--mark me, my good fellow,
+I'll pay you your wages, if ever we get ashore; you'll never set another
+foot aboard with me.'
+
+"The man looked perfectly astounded as he moved away, and my thoughts
+were soon engrossed by the proceedings near me.  The rattle of knives,
+and the jingling of plates and glasses went on very briskly for some
+time, accompanied by various pleasant observations of my guests, for such
+I judged them, from the mirth which ever followed them.  At last I
+thought I heard my name, or at least what they pleased to use as its
+substitute, mentioned; I strained my ears to listen, and learnt that they
+were planning to talk over the pretended intention to run for Cowes, and
+see the regatta.  This they discussed then, for about twenty minutes, in
+a very loud voice, purposely to see its effects upon me; but as I was now
+aware of the trick, I gave no sign of any intelligence.
+
+"'Poor Dirk,' said Grantham; 'I believe by this time he cares very little
+which way her head lies; but here comes something better than all our
+discussions.  Lady Agnes, sit here--Miss Pelham, here's a dry cushion for
+you--did you say a wing, Lady Mary?'
+
+"Now began the crash and clatter of dinner; champagne corks popping,
+glasses ringing, and all that peculiar admixture of fracas and fun, which
+accompanies a scrambled meal.  How they did laugh, and eat, ay, and drink
+too.  G's punch seemed to have its success, for sick as I was, I could
+perceive the voices of the men grow gradually louder, and discovered that
+two gentlemen who had been remarkably timid in the morning, and scarcely
+opened their lips, were now rather uproariously given, and one even
+proposed to sing.
+
+"If any man, thought I, were to look for an instant at the little scene
+now enacting here, what a moral might he reap from it; talk of the base
+ingratitude of the world, you cannot say too much of it.  Who would
+suppose that it was my boat these people were assembled in; that it was
+my champagne these people were drinking; that my venison and my pheasants
+were feeding those lips, which rarely spoke, except to raise a jest at my
+expense.  My chagrin increased my sickness and my sickness redoubled my
+chagrin.
+
+"'Mr. Brail,' said I, in a low whisper, 'Mr. Brail.'
+
+"'Did you speak, sir?' said he, with about as much surprise in his
+manner, as though he had been addressed by a corpse.
+
+"'Mr. Brail,' said I, 'is there any danger here?'
+
+"'Lord love you, no, sir, she's walking Spanish, and the sea going down;
+we shall have lovely weather, and they're all enjoying it, sir,--the
+ladies.'
+
+"'So I perceive,' said I, with a groan; 'so I perceive; but Mr. Brail,
+could you do nothing--just to--to startle them a little, I mean for fun
+only?  Just ship a heavy sea or two, I don't care for a little damage,
+Mr. Brail, and if it were to wash over the dinner-service, and all the
+wine, I should not like it worse.'
+
+"'Why, sir, you are getting quite funny, the sickness is going.'
+
+"'No, Mr. Brail, worse than ever; my head is in two pieces, and my
+stomach in the back of my mouth; but I should like you to do this--so
+just manage it, will you, and there's twenty pounds in my pocket-book,
+you can have it; there now, won't you oblige me, and hark ye, Mr. Brail
+--if Captain Grantham were to be washed over by mere accident it cannot
+be helped; accidents are always occurring in boating parties.  Go now,
+you know what I mean.'
+
+"'But sir,' began he.
+
+"'Well, then, Mr. Brail, you won't--very well: now all I have to say is
+this: that the moment I can find strength to do it, I'll stave out a
+plank; I'll scuttle the vessel, that's all; I have made up my mind, and
+look to yourselves now.'
+
+"Saying these words, I again threw myself upon the ballast, and, as the
+gay chorus of a drinking song was wafted across me, prayed devoutly that
+we might all go down to the bottom.  The song over, I heard a harsh,
+gruff voice mixing with the more civilized tones of the party, and soon
+perceived that Mr. Brail was recounting my proposal amid the most
+uproarious shouts of laughter I ever listened to.  Then followed a number
+of pleasant suggestions for my future management; one proposing to have
+me tried for mutiny, and sentenced to a ducking over the side, another
+that I should be tarred on my back, to which latter most humane notion,
+the fair Agnes subscribed, averring that she was resolved upon my
+deserving my sobriquet of Dirk Hatteraick.  My wrath was now the master
+even of deadly sickness.  I got upon my knees, and having in vain tried
+to reach my legs, I struggled aft.  In this posture did I reach the
+quarter-deck.  What my intention precisely was in this excursion, I have
+no notion of now, but I have some very vague idea, that I meant to
+re-enact the curse of Kehama upon the whole party.  At last I mustered
+strength to rise; but alas! I had scarcely reached the standing position,
+when a tremendous heel of the boat to one side, threw me in the gunwale,
+and before I was able to recover my balance, a second lurch pitched me
+headlong into the sea.  I have, thank God, no further recollection of my
+misfortunes.  When I again became conscious, I found myself wrapped up in
+a pilot-coat, while my clothes were drying: the vessel was at anchor in
+Wexford.  My attached friends had started for town with post-horses,
+leaving me no less cured of love than aquatics.
+
+"'The Delight' passed over in a few days, to some more favoured son of
+Neptune, and I hid my shame and my misfortunes by a year's tour on the
+continent."
+
+"Although I acknowledge," said Trevanion, "that hitherto I have reaped no
+aid from Mr. O'Leary's narrative, yet I think it is not without a moral."
+
+"Well, but," said I, "he has got another adventure to tell us; we have
+quite time for it, so pray pass the wine and let us have it."
+
+"I have just finished the burgundy," said O'Leary, "and if you will ring
+for another flask, I have no objection to let you hear the story of my
+second love."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIII.
+
+MR. O'LEARY'S SECOND LOVE.
+
+"You may easily suppose," began Mr. O'Leary, "that the unhappy
+termination of my first passion served as a shield to me for a long time
+against my unfortunate tendencies towards the fair; and such was really
+the case.  I never spoke to a young lady for three years after, without a
+reeling in my head, so associated in my mind was love and sea-sickness.
+However, at last what will not time do.  It was about four years from the
+date of this adventure, when I became so, from oblivion of my former
+failure, as again to tempt my fortune.  My present choice, in every way
+unlike the last, was a gay, lively girl, of great animal spirits, and a
+considerable turn for raillery, that spared no one; the members of her
+own family were not even sacred in her eyes; and her father, a reverend
+dean, as frequently figured among the ludicrous as his neighbours.
+
+"The Evershams had been very old friends of a rich aunt of mine, who
+never, by the by, had condescended to notice me till I made their
+acquaintance; but no sooner had I done so, than she sent for me, and gave
+me to understand that in the event of my succeeding to the hand of Fanny
+Eversham, I should be her heir, and the possessor of about sixty thousand
+pounds.  She did not stop here; but by canvassing the dean in my favour,
+speedily put the matter on a most favourable footing, and in less than
+two months I was received as the accepted suitor of the fair Fanny, then
+one of the reigning belles of Dublin.
+
+"They lived at this time about three miles from town, in a very pretty
+country, where I used to pass all my mornings, and many of my evenings
+too, in a state of happiness that I should have considered perfect, if
+it were not for two unhappy blots--one, the taste of my betrothed for
+laughing at her friends; another the diabolical propensity to talk
+politics of my intended father-in-law--to the former I could submit; but
+with the latter, submission only made bad worse; for he invariably drew
+up as I receded, drily observing that with men who had no avowed
+opinions, it was ill agreeing; or that, with persons who kept their
+politics as a school-boy does his pocket-money, never to spend, and
+always ready to change, it was unpleasant to dispute.  Such taunts as
+these I submitted to as well as I might; secretly resolving, that as I
+now knew the meaning of whig and tory, I'd contrive to spend my life,
+after marriage, out of the worthy dean's diocese.
+
+"Time wore on, and at length, to my most pressing solicitations, it was
+conceded that a day for our marriage should be appointed.  Not even the
+unlucky termination of this my second love affair can deprive me of the
+happy souvenir of the few weeks which were to intervene before our
+destined union.
+
+"The mornings were passed in ransacking all the shops where wedding
+finery could be procured--laces, blondes, velvets, and satins, littered
+every corner of the deanery--and there was scarcely a carriage in a
+coach-maker's yard in the city that I had not sat and jumped in, to try
+the springs, by the special directions of Mrs. Eversham; who never ceased
+to impress me with the awful responsibility I was about to take upon me,
+in marrying so great a prize as her daughter--a feeling I found very
+general among many of my friends at the Kildare-street club.
+
+"Among the many indispensable purchases which I was to make, and about
+which Fanny expressed herself more than commonly anxious, was a
+saddle-horse for me.  She was a great horsewoman, and hated riding with
+only a servant; and had given me to understand as much about half-a-dozen
+times each day for the last five weeks.  How shall I acknowledge it
+--equestrianism was never my forte.  I had all my life considerable
+respect for the horse as an animal, pretty much as I dreaded a lion or a
+tiger; but as to my intention of mounting upon the back of one, and
+taking a ride, I should as soon have dreamed of taking an airing upon a
+giraffe; and as to the thought of buying, feeding, and maintaining such a
+beast at my own proper cost, I should just as soon have determined to
+purchase a pillory or a ducking-stool, by way of amusing my leisure
+hours.
+
+"However, Fanny was obstinate--whether she suspected any thing or not I
+cannot say--but nothing seemed to turn her from her purpose; and although
+I pleaded a thousand things in delay, yet she each day grew more
+impatient, and at last I saw that there was nothing for it but to submit.
+
+"When I arrived at this last and bold resolve, I could not help feeling
+that to possess a horse and not be able to mount him, was only deferring
+the ridicule; and as I had so often expressed the difficulty I felt in
+suiting myself as a cause of my delay, I could not possibly come forward
+with any thing very objectionable, or I should be only the more laughed
+at.  There was then but one course to take; a fortnight still intervened
+before the day which was to make me happy, and I accordingly resolved to
+take lessons in riding during the intervals, and by every endeavour in my
+power become, if possible, able to pass muster on the saddle before my
+bride.
+
+"Poor old Lalouette understood but little of the urgency of the case,
+when I requested his leave to take my lessons each morning at six
+o'clock, for I dared not absent myself during the day without exciting
+suspicion; and never, I will venture to assert, did knight-errant of old
+strive harder for the hand of his lady-love than did I during that weary
+fortnight, if a hippogriff had been the animal I bestrode, instead of
+being, as it was, an old wall-eyed grey, I could not have felt more
+misgivings at my temerity, or more proud of my achievement.  In the first
+three days the unaccustomed exercise proved so severe, that when I
+reached the deanery I could hardly move, and crossed the floor, pretty
+much as a pair of compasses might be supposed to do if performing that
+exploit.  Nothing, however, could equal the kindness of my poor dear
+mother-in-law in embryo, and even the dean too.  Fanny, indeed, said
+nothing; but I rather think she was disposed to giggle a little; but my
+rheumatism, as it was called, was daily inquired after, and I was
+compelled to take some infernal stuff in my port wine at dinner that
+nearly made me sick at table.
+
+"'I am sure you walk too much,' said Fanny, with one of her knowing
+looks.  'Papa, don't you think he ought to ride; it would be much better
+for him.'
+
+"'I do, my dear,' said the dean.  'But then you see he is so hard to be
+pleased in a horse.  Your old hunting days have spoiled you; but you must
+forget Melton and Grantham, and condescend to keep a hack.'
+
+"I must have looked confoundedly foolish here, for Fanny never took her
+eyes off me, and continued to laugh in her own wicked way.
+
+"It was now about the ninth or tenth day of my purgatorial performances;
+and certainly if there be any merit in fleshly mortifications, these
+religious exercises of mine should stand my part hereafter.  A review had
+been announced in the Phoenix-park, which Fanny had expressed herself
+most desirous to witness; and as the dean would not permit her to go
+without a chaperon, I had no means of escape, and promised to escort her.
+No sooner had I made this rash pledge, than I hastened to my confidential
+friend, Lalouette, and having imparted to him my entire secret, asked him
+in a solemn and imposing manner, 'Can I do it?'  The old man shook his
+head dubiously, looked grave, and muttered at length, 'Mosch depend on de
+horse.'  'I know it--I know it--I feel it,' said I eagerly--'then where
+are we to find an animal that will carry me peaceably through this awful
+day--I care not for his price?'
+
+"'Votre affaire ne sera pas trop chere,' said he.
+
+"'Why.  How do you mean?' said I.
+
+"He then proceeded to inform me, that by a singularly fortunate chance,
+there took place that day an auction of 'cast horses,' as they are
+termed, which had been used in the horse police force; and that from long
+riding, and training to stand fire, nothing could be more suitable than
+one of these; being both easy to ride, and not given to start at noise.
+
+"I could have almost hugged the old fellow for his happy suggestion, and
+waited with impatience for three o'clock to come, when we repaired
+together to Essex-bridge, at that time the place selected for these
+sales.
+
+"I was at first a little shocked at the look of the animals drawn up;
+they were most miserably thin--most of them swelled in the legs--few
+without sore backs--and not one eye, on an average, in every three; but
+still they were all high steppers, and carried a great tail.  'There's
+your affaire,' said the old Frenchman, as a long-legged fiddle-headed
+beast was led out; turning out his forelegs so as to endanger the man who
+walked beside him.
+
+"'Yes, there's blood for you, said Charley Dycer, seeing my eye fixed on
+the wretched beast; 'equal to fifteen stone with any foxhounds; safe in
+all his paces, and warranted sound; except,' added he, in a whisper, 'a
+slight spavin in both hind legs, ring gone, and a little touched in the
+wind.'  Here the animal gave an approving cough.  'Will any gentleman say
+fifty pounds to begin?'  But no gentleman did.  A hackney coachman,
+however, said five, and the sale was opened; the beast trotting up and
+down nearly over the bidders at every moment, and plunging on so that it
+was impossible to know what was doing.
+
+"'Five, ten--fifteen--six pounds--thank you, sir,--guineas'--'seven
+pounds,' said I, bidding against myself, not perceiving that I had spoken
+last.  'Thank you, Mr. Moriarty,' said Dycer, turning towards an
+invisible purchaser supposed to be in the crowd.  'Thank you, sir, you'll
+not let a good one go that way.'  Every one here turned to find out the
+very knowing gentleman; but he could no where be seen.
+
+"Dycer resumed, 'Seven ten for Mr. Moriarty.  Going for seven ten--a
+cruel sacrifice--there's action for you--playful beast.'  Here the devil
+had stumbled and nearly killed a basket-woman with two children.
+
+"'Eight,' said I, with a loud voice.
+
+"'Eight pounds, quite absurd,' said Dycer, almost rudely; 'a charger like
+that for eight pounds--going for eight pounds--going--nothing above eight
+pounds--no reserve, gentlemen, you are aware of that.  They are all as it
+were, his majesty's stud--no reserve whatever--last time, eight pounds
+--gone.'
+
+"Amid a very hearty cheer from the mob--God knows why--but a Dublin mob
+always cheer--I returned, accompanied by a ragged fellow, leading my new
+purchase after me with a bay halter.  'What is the meaning of those
+letters,' said I, pointing to a very conspicuous G.R. with sundry other
+enigmatical signs, burned upon the animal's hind quarter.
+
+"'That's to show he was a po-lice,' said the fellow with a grin; 'and
+whin ye ride with ladies, ye must turn the decoy side.'
+
+"The auspicious morning at last arrived; and strange to say that the
+first waking thought was of the unlucky day that ushered in my yachting
+excursion, four years before.  Why this was so, I cannot pretend to
+guess; there was but little analogy in the circumstances, at least so far
+as any thing had then gone.  'How is Marius?' said I to my servant, as he
+opened my shutters.  Here let me mention that a friend of the
+Kildare-street club had suggested this name from the remarkably classic
+character of my steed's countenance; his nose, he assured me, was
+perfectly Roman.
+
+"'Marius is doing finely, sir, barring his cough, and the thrifle that
+ails his hind legs.'
+
+"'He'll carry me quietly, Simon, eh?'
+
+"'Quietly.  I'll warrant he'll carry you quietly, if that's all.'
+
+"Here was comfort.  Certainly Simon had lived forty years as pantry boy
+with my mother, and knew a great deal about horses.  I dressed myself,
+therefore, in high spirits; and if my pilot jacket and oil-skin cap in
+former days had half persuaded me that I was born for marine
+achievements, certainly my cords and tops, that morning, went far to
+convince me that I must have once been a very keen sportsman somewhere,
+without knowing it.  It was a delightful July day that I set out to join
+my friends, who having recruited a large party, were to rendezvous at the
+corner of Stephen's-green; thither I proceeded in a certain ambling trot,
+which I have often observed is a very favourite pace with timid horsemen,
+and gentlemen of the medical profession.  I was hailed with a most hearty
+welcome by a large party as I turned out of Grafton-street, among whom I
+perceived several friends of Miss Eversham, and some young dragoon
+officers, not of my acquaintance, but who appeared to know Fanny
+intimately, and were laughing heartily with her as I rode up.
+
+"I don't know if other men have experienced what I am about to mention or
+not; but certainly to me there is no more painful sensation than to find
+yourself among a number of well-mounted, well-equipped people, while the
+animal you yourself bestride seems only fit for the kennel. Every look
+that is cast at your unlucky steed--every whispered observation about you
+are so many thorns in your flesh, till at last you begin to feel that
+your appearance is for very little else than the amusement and mirth of
+the assembly; and every time you rise in your stirrups you excite a
+laugh.
+
+"'Where for mercy's sake did you find that creature?' said Fanny,
+surveying Marius through her glass.
+
+"'Oh, him, eh?  Why he is a handsome horse, if in condition--a charger
+your know--that's his style.'
+
+"'Indeed,' lisped a young lancer, 'I should be devilish sorry to charge
+or be charged with him.'  And here they all chuckled at this puppy's
+silly joke, and I drew up to repress further liberties.
+
+"'Is he anything of a fencer?' said a young country gentleman.
+
+"'To judge from his near eye, I should say much more of a boxer,' said
+another.
+
+"Here commenced a running fire of pleasantry at the expense of my poor
+steed; which, not content with attacking his physical, extended to his
+moral qualities.  An old gentleman near me observing, 'that I ought not
+to have mounted him at all, seeing he was so damned groggy;' to which I
+replied, by insinuating, that if others present were as free from the
+influence of ardent spirits, society would not be a sufferer; an
+observation that I flatter myself turned the mirth against the old
+fellow, for they all laughed for a quarter of an hour after.
+
+"Well, at last we set out in a brisk trot, and, placed near Fanny, I
+speedily forgot all my annoyances in the prospect of figuring to
+advantage before her.  When we reached College-green the leaders of the
+cortege suddenly drew up, and we soon found that the entire street
+opposite the Bank was filled with a dense mob of people, who appeared to
+be swayed hither and thither, like some mighty beast, as the individuals
+composing it were engaged in close conflict.  It was nothing more nor
+less than one of those almost weekly rows, which then took place between
+the students of the University and the town's-people, and which rarely
+ended without serious consequences.  The numbers of people pressing on to
+the scene of action soon blocked up our retreat, and we found ourselves
+most unwilling spectators of the conflict.  Political watch-words were
+loudly shouted by each party; and at last the students, who appeared to
+be yielding to superior numbers, called out for the intervention of the
+police.  The aid was nearer than they expected; for at the same instant a
+body of mounted policemen, whose high helmets rendered them sufficiently
+conspicuous, were seen trotting at a sharp pace down Dame-street.  On
+they came with drawn sabres, led by a well-looking gentlemanlike
+personage in plain clothes, who dashed at once into the midst of the
+fray, issuing his orders, and pointing out to his followers to secure the
+ringleaders.  Up to this moment I had been a most patient, and rather
+amused spectator, of what was doing.  Now, however, my part was to
+commence, for at the word 'charge,' given in a harsh, deep voice by the
+sergeant of the party, Marius, remembering his ancient instinct, pricked
+up his ears, cocked his tail, flung up both his hind legs till they
+nearly broke the Provost's windows, and plunged into the thickest of the
+fray like a devil incarnate.
+
+"Self-preservation must be a strong instinct, for I well remember how
+little pain it cost me to see the people tumbling and rolling before and
+beneath me, while I continued to keep my seat.  It was only the moment
+before and that immense mass were in man to man encounter; now all the
+indignation of both parties seemed turned upon me; brick-bats were loudly
+implored, and paving stones begged to throw at my devoted head; the wild
+huntsman of the German romance never created half the terror, nor
+one-tenth of the mischief that I did in less than fifteen minutes, for
+the ill-starred beast continued twining and twisting like a serpent,
+plunging and kicking the entire time, and occasionally biting too; all
+which accomplishments I afterwards learned, however little in request in
+civil life, are highly prized in the horse police.
+
+"Every new order of the sergeant was followed in his own fashion by
+Marius; who very soon contrived to concentrate in my unhappy person, all
+the interest of about fifteen hundred people.
+
+"'Secure that scoundrel,' said the magistrate, pointing with his finger
+towards me, as I rode over a respectable looking old lady, with a grey
+muff.  'Secure him.  Cut him down.'
+
+"'Ah, devil's luck to him, if ye do,' said a newsmonger with a broken
+shin.
+
+"On I went, however, and now, as the Fates would have it, instead of
+bearing me out of further danger, the confounded brute dashed onwards to
+where the magistrate was standing, surrounded by policemen.  I thought I
+saw him change colour as I came on.  I suppose my own looks were none of
+the pleasantest, for the worthy man liked them not.  Into the midst of
+them we plunged, upsetting a corporal, horse and all, and appearing as if
+bent upon reaching the alderman.
+
+"'Cut him down for heaven's sake.  Will nobody shoot him' said he, with a
+voice trembling with fear and anger.
+
+"At these words a wretch lifted up his sabre, and made a cut at my head.
+I stooped suddenly, and throwing myself from the saddle, seized the poor
+alderman round the neck, and we both came rolling to the ground together.
+So completely was he possessed with the notion that I meant to
+assassinate him, that while I was endeavouring to extricate myself from
+his grasp, he continued to beg his life in the most heartrending manner.
+
+"My story is now soon told.  So effectually did they rescue the alderman
+from his danger, that they left me insensible; and I only came to myself
+some days after by finding myself in the dock in Green-street, charged
+with an indictment of nineteen counts; the only word of truth is what lay
+in the preamble, for the 'devil inciting' me only, would ever have made
+me the owner of that infernal beast, the cause of all my misfortunes.  I
+was so stupified from my hearing, that I know little of the course of the
+proceedings.  My friends told me afterwards that I had a narrow escape
+from transportation; but for the greatest influence exerted in my behalf,
+I should certainly have passed the autumn in the agreeable recreation of
+pounding oyster shells or carding wool; and it certainly must have gone
+hard with me, for stupified as I was, I remember the sensation in court,
+when the alderman made his appearance with a patch over his eye.  The
+affecting admonition of the little judge--who, when passing sentence upon
+me, adverted to the former respectability of my life, and the rank of my
+relatives--actually made the galleries weep.
+
+"Four months in Newgate, and a fine to the king, then rewarded my taste
+for horse-exercise; and it's no wonder if I prefer going on foot.
+
+"As to Miss Eversham, the following short note from the dean concluded my
+hopes in that quarter.
+
+     "'Deanery, Wednesday morning.
+
+     "'Sir,--After the very distressing publicity to which your late
+     conduct has exposed you--the so open avowal of political opinion, at
+     variance with those (I will say) of every gentleman--and the
+     recorded sentence of a judge on the verdict of twelve of your
+     countrymen--I should hope that you will not feel my present
+     admonition necessary to inform you, that your visits at my house
+     shall cease.
+
+     "'The presents you made my daughter, when under our unfortunate
+     ignorance of your real character, have been addressed to your hotel,
+     and I am your most obedient, humble servant,
+
+                                        "'Oliver Eversham.'
+
+
+"Here ended my second affair 'par amours;' and I freely confess to you
+that if I can only obtain a wife in a sea voyage, or a steeple chase, I
+am likely to fulfill one great condition in modern advertising--'as
+having no incumbrance, or any objection to travel.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIV.
+
+THE DUEL.
+
+Mr. O'Leary had scarcely concluded the narrative of his second adventure,
+when the grey light of the breaking day was seen faintly struggling
+through the half-closed curtains, and apprising us of the lateness of the
+hour.
+
+"I think we shall just have time for one finishing flask of Chambertin,"
+said O'Leary, as he emptied the bottle into his glass.
+
+"I forbid the bans, for one," cried Trevanion.  "We have all had wine
+enough, considering what we have before us this morning; and besides you
+are not aware it is now past four o'clock.  So garcon--garcon, there--how
+soundly the poor fellow sleeps--let us have some coffee, and then inquire
+if a carriage is in waiting at the corner of the Rue Vivienne."
+
+The coffee made its appearance, very much, as it seemed, to Mr. O'Leary's
+chagrin, who, however, solaced himself by sundry petits verres, to
+correct the coldness of the wine he had drank, and at length recovered
+his good humour.
+
+"Do you know, now," said he, after a short pause, in which we had all
+kept silence, "I think what we are about to do, is the very ugliest way
+of finishing a pleasant evening.  For my own part I like the wind up we
+used to have in 'Old Trinity' formerly; when, after wringing off half a
+dozen knockers, breaking the lamps at the post-office, and getting out
+the fire engines of Werburgh's parish, we beat a few watchmen, and went
+peaceably to bed."
+
+"Well, not being an Irishman," said Trevanion, "I'm half disposed to
+think that even our present purpose is nearly as favourable to life and
+limb; but here comes my servant.  Well, John, is all arranged, and the
+carriage ready?"
+
+Having ascertained that the carriage was in waiting, and that the small
+box--brass bound and Bramah-locked--reposed within, we paid our bill and
+departed.  A cold, raw, misty-looking morning, with masses of dark
+louring clouds overhead, and channels of dark and murky water beneath,
+were the pleasant prospects which met us as we issued forth from the
+Cafe.  The lamps, which hung suspended midway across the street, (we
+speak of some years since,) creaked, with a low and plaintive sound, as
+they swung backwards and forwards in the wind.  Not a footstep was heard
+in the street--nothing but the heavy patter of the rain as it fell
+ceaselessly upon the broad pavement.  It was, indeed, a most depressing
+and dispiriting accompaniment to our intended excursion: and even
+O'Leary, who seemed to have but slight sympathy with external influences,
+felt it, for he spoke but little, and was scarcely ten minutes in the
+carriage till he was sound asleep.  This was, I confess, a great relief
+to me; for, however impressed I was, and to this hour am, with the many
+sterling qualitites of my poor friend, yet, I acknowledge, that this was
+not precisely the time I should have cared for their exercise, and would
+have much preferred the companionship of a different order of person,
+even though less long acquainted with him.  Trevanion was, of all others,
+the most suitable for this purpose; and I felt no embarrassment in
+opening my mind freely to him upon subjects which, but twenty-four
+hours previous, I could not have imparted to a brother.
+
+There is no such unlocker of the secrets of the heart as the possibly
+near approach of death.  Indeed, I question if a great deal of the
+bitterness the thought of it inspires, does not depend upon that very
+circumstance.  The reflection that the long-treasured mystery of our
+lives (and who is there without some such?) is about to become known, and
+the secret of our inmost heart laid bare, is in itself depressing.  Not
+one kind word, nor one remembrancing adieu, to those we are to leave for
+ever, can be spoken or written, without calling up its own story of
+half-forgotten griefs or, still worse, at such a moment, of happiness
+never again to be partaken of.
+
+"I cannot explain why," said I to Trevanion, "but although it has
+unfortunately been pretty often my lot to have gone out on occasions
+like this, both as principal and friend, yet never before did I feel so
+completely depressed and low-spirited--and never, in fact, did so many
+thoughts of regret arise before me for much of the past, and sorrow for
+the chance of abandoning the future"--
+
+"I can understand," said Trevanion, interrupting--"I have heard of your
+prospect in the Callonby family, and certainly, with such hopes, I can
+well conceive how little one would be disposed to brook the slightest
+incident which could interfere with their accomplishment; but, now that
+your cousin Guy's pretensions in that quarter are at an end, I suppose,
+from all I have heard, that there can be no great obstacle to yours."
+
+"Guy's pretensions at an end!  For heaven's sake, tell me all you know of
+this affair--for up to this moment I am in utter ignorance of every thing
+regarding his position among the Callonby family."
+
+"Unfortunately," replied Trevanion, "I know but little, but still that
+little is authentic--Guy himself having imparted the secret to a very
+intimate friend of mine.  It appears, then, that your cousin, having
+heard that the Callonbys had been very civil to you in Ireland, and made
+all manner of advances to you--had done so under the impression that you
+were the other nephew of Sir Guy, and consequently the heir of a large
+fortune--that is, Guy himself--and that they had never discovered the
+mistake during the time they resided in Ireland, when they not only
+permitted, but even encouraged the closest intimacy between you and Lady
+Jane.  Is so far true?"
+
+"I have long suspected it.  Indeed in no other way can I account for the
+reception I met with from the Callonbys.  But is it possible that Lady
+Jane could have lent herself to any thing so unworthy."--
+
+"Pray, hear me out," said Trevanion, who was evidently struck by the
+despondency of my voice and manner.  "Guy having heard of their mistake,
+and auguring well to himself from this evidence of their disposition, no
+sooner heard of their arrival in Paris, than he came over here and got
+introduced to them.  From that time he scarcely ever left their house,
+except to accompany them into society, or to the theatres.  It is said
+that with Lady Jane he made no progress.  Her manner, at the beginning
+cold and formal, became daily more so; until, at last, he was half
+disposed to abandon the pursuit--in which, by the by, he has since
+confessed, monied views entered more than any affection for the lady
+--when the thought struck him to benefit by what he supposed at first
+to be the great bar to his success.  He suddenly pretended to be only
+desirous of intimacy with Lady Jane, from having heard so much of her
+from you--affected to be greatly in your confidence--and, in fact,
+assumed the character of a friend cognizant of all your feelings and
+hopes, and ardently desiring, by every means in his power, to advance
+your views--"
+
+"And was it thus he succeeded," I broke in.
+
+"'Twas thus he endeavoured to succeed," said Trevanion.
+
+"Ah, with what success I but too well know" said I.  "My uncle himself
+showed me a letter from Guy, in which he absolutely speaks of the affair
+as settled, and talks of Lady Jane as about to be his wife."
+
+"That may be all quite true; but a little consideration of Guy's tactics
+will show what he intended; for I find that he induced your uncle, by
+some representations of his, to make the most handsome proposals, with
+regard to the marriage, to the Callonbys; and that, to make the story
+short, nothing but the decided refusal of Lady Jane, who at length saw
+through his entire game prevented the match."
+
+"And then she did refuse him," said I, with ill-repressed exultation.
+
+"Of that there can be no doubt; for independently of all the gossip and
+quizzing upon the subject, to which Guy was exposed in the coteries, he
+made little secret of it himself--openly avowing that he did not consider
+a repulse a defeat, and that he resolved to sustain the siege as
+vigorously as ever."
+
+However interested I felt in all Trevanion was telling me, I could not
+help falling into a train of thinking on my first acquaintance with the
+Callonbys.  There are, perhaps, but few things more humiliating than the
+knowledge that any attention or consideration we have met with, has been
+paid us in mistake for another; and in the very proportion that they were
+prized before, are they detested when the truth is known to us.
+
+To all the depressing influences these thoughts suggested, came the
+healing balm that Lady Jane was true to me--that she, at least, however
+others might be biassed by worldly considerations--that she cared for me
+--for myself alone.  My reader (alas! for my character for judgment)
+knows upon how little I founded the conviction; but I have often, in
+these Confessions, avowed my failing, par excellence, to be a great taste
+for self-deception; and here was a capital occasion for its indulgence.
+
+"We shall have abundant time to discuss this later on," said Trevanion,
+laying his hand upon my shoulder to rouse my wandering attention--"for
+now, I perceive, we have only eight minutes to spare."
+
+As he spoke, a dragoon officer, in an undress, rode up to the window of
+the carriage, and looking steadily at our party for a few seconds, asked
+if we were "Messieurs les Anglais;" and, almost without waiting for
+reply, added, "You had better not go any farther in your carriage, for the
+next turn of the road will bring you in sight of the village."
+
+We accordingly stopped the driver, and having (with) some difficulty
+aroused O'Leary, got out upon the road.  The militaire here gave his
+horse to a groom, and proceeded to guide us through a corn-field by a
+narrow path, with whose windings and crossings he appeared quite
+conversant.  We at length reached the brow of a little hill, from which
+an extended view of the country lay before us, showing the Seine winding
+its tranquil course between the richly tilled fields, dotted with many a
+pretty cottage.  Turning abruptly from this point, our guide led us, by a
+narrow and steep path, into a little glen, planted with poplar and
+willows.  A small stream ran through this, and by the noise we soon
+detected that a mill was not far distant, which another turning brought
+us at once in front of.
+
+And here I cannot help dwelling upon the "tableau" which met our view.
+In the porch of the little rural mill sat two gentlemen, one of whom I
+immediately recognised as the person who had waited upon me, and the
+other I rightly conjectured to be my adversary.  Before them stood a
+small table, covered with a spotless napkin, upon which a breakfast
+equipage was spread--a most inviting melon and a long, slender-necked
+bottle, reposing in a little ice-pail, forming part of the "materiel."
+My opponent was cooly enjoying his cigar--a half-finished cup of coffee
+lay beside him--his friend was occupied in examining the caps of the
+duelling pistols, which were placed upon a chair.  No sooner had we
+turned the angle which brought us in view, than they both rose, and,
+taking off their hats with much courtesy, bade us good morning.
+
+"May I offer you a cup of coffee," said Monsieur Derigny to me, as I came
+up, at the same time filling it out, and pushing over a little flask of
+Cogniac towards me.
+
+A look from Trevanion decided my acceptance of the proferred civility,
+and I seated myself in the chair beside the baron.  Trevanion meanwhile
+had engaged my adversary in conversation along with the stranger, who had
+been our guide, leaving O'Leary alone unoccupied, which, however, he did
+not long remain; for, although uninvited by the others, he seized a knife
+and fork, and commenced a vigorous attack upon a partridge pie near him;
+and, with equal absence of ceremony, uncorked the champaign and filled
+out a foaming goblet, nearly one-third of the whole bottle, adding--
+
+"I think, Mr. Lorrequer, there's nothing like showing them that we are
+just as cool and unconcerned as themselves."
+
+If I might judge from the looks of the party, a happier mode of
+convincing them of our "free-and-easy" feelings could not possibly have
+been discovered.  From any mortification this proceeding might have
+caused me, I was speedily relieved by Trevanion calling O'Leary to one
+side, while he explained to him that he must nominally act as second on
+the ground, as Trevanion, being a resident in Paris, might become liable
+to a prosecution, should any thing serious arise, while O'Leary, as a
+mere passer through, could cross the frontier into Germany, and avoid all
+trouble.
+
+O'Leary at once acceded--perhaps the more readily because he expected to
+be allowed to return to his breakfast--but in this he soon found himself
+mistaken, for the whole party now rose, and preceded by the baron,
+followed the course of the little stream.
+
+After about five minutes' walking, we found ourselves at the outlet of
+the glen, which was formed by a large stone quarry, making a species of
+amphitheatre, with lofty walls of rugged granite, rising thirty or forty
+feet on either side of us.  The ground was smooth and level as a boarded
+floor, and certainly to amateurs in these sort of matters, presented a
+most perfect spot for a "meeting."
+
+The stranger who had just joined us, could not help remarking our looks
+of satisfaction at the choice of ground, and observed to me--
+
+"This is not the first affair that this little spot has witnessed; and
+the moulinet of St. Cloud is, I think, the very best 'meet' about Paris."
+
+Trevanion who, during these few minutes, had been engaged with Derigny,
+now drew me aside.
+
+"Well, Lorrequer, have you any recollection now of having seen your
+opponent before? or can you make a guess at the source of all this?"
+
+"Never till this instant," said I, "have I beheld him," as I looked
+towards the tall, stoutly-built figure of my adversary, who was very
+leisurely detaching a cordon from his tightly fitting frock, doubtless to
+prevent its attracting my aim.
+
+"Well, never mind, I shall manage every thing properly.  What can you do
+with the small sword, for they have rapiers at the mill?"
+
+"Nothing whatever; I have not fenced since I was a boy."
+
+"N'importe--then we'll fight at a barriere.  I know they're not prepared
+for that from Englishmen; so just step on one side now, and leave me to
+talk it over."
+
+As the limited nature of the ground did not permit me to retire to a
+distance, I became involuntarily aware of a dialogue, which even the
+seriousness of the moment could scarcely keep me from laughing at
+outright.
+
+It was necessary, for the sake of avoiding any possible legal difficulty
+in the result, that O'Leary should give his assent to every step of the
+arrangement; and being totally ignorant of French, Trevanion had not only
+to translate for him, but also to render in reply O'Leary's own comments
+or objections to the propositions of the others.
+
+"Then it is agreed--we fight at a barriere," said the Captain Derigny.
+
+"What's that, Trevanion?"
+
+"We have agreed to place them at a barriere," replied Trevanion.
+
+"That's strange," muttered O'Leary to himself, who, knowing that the word
+meant a "turnpike," never supposed it had any other signification.
+
+"Vingt quatre pas, n'est pas," said Derigny.
+
+"Too far," interposed Trevanion.
+
+"What does he say now?" asked O'Leary.
+
+"Twenty-four paces for the distance."
+
+"Twenty-four of my teeth he means," said O'Leary, snapping his fingers.
+"What does he think of the length of Sackville-street?  Ask him that,
+will ye?"
+
+"What says Monsieur?" said the Frenchman.
+
+"He thinks the distance much too great."
+
+"He may be mistaken," said the Captain, half sneeringly.  "My friend is
+'de la premiere force.'"
+
+"That must be something impudent, from your looks, Mr. Trevanion.  Isn't
+it a thousand pities I can't speak French?"
+
+"What say you, then, to twelve paces?  Fire together, and two shots each,
+if the first fire be inconclusive," said Trevanion.
+
+"And if necessary," added the Frenchman, carelessly, "conclude with
+these"--touching the swords with his foot as he spoke.
+
+"The choice of the weapon lies with us, I opine," replied Trevanion.
+"We have already named pistols, and by them we shall decide this matter."
+
+It was at length, after innumerable objections, agreed upon that we
+should be placed back to back, and at a word given each walk forward to a
+certain distance marked out by a stone, where we were to halt, and at the
+signal, "une," "deux," turn round and fire.
+
+This, which is essentially a French invention in duelling, was perfectly
+new to me, but by no means to Trevanion, who was fully aware of the
+immense consequence of not giving even a momentary opportunity for aim to
+my antagonist; and in this mode of firing the most practised and deadly
+shot is liable to err--particularly if the signal be given quickly.
+
+While Trevanion and the Captain were measuring out the ground, a little
+circumstance which was enacted near me was certainly not over calculated
+to strengthen my nerve.  The stranger who had led us to the ground had
+begun to examine the pistols, and finding that one of them was loaded,
+turned towards my adversary, saying, "De Haultpenne, you have forgotten
+to draw the charge.  Come let us see what vein you are in."  At the same
+time, drawing off his large cavalry glove, he handed the pistol to his
+friend.
+
+"A double Napoleon you don't hit the thumb."
+
+"Done," said the other, adjusting the weapon in his hand.
+
+The action was scarcely performed, when the bettor flung the glove into
+the air with all his force.  My opponent raised his pistol, waited for an
+instant, till the glove, having attained its greatest height, turned to
+fall again.  Then click went the trigger--the glove turned round and
+round half-a-dozen times, and fell about twenty yards off, and the thumb
+was found cut clearly off at the juncture with the hand.
+
+This--which did not occupy half as long as I have spent in recounting it
+--was certainly a pleasant introduction to standing at fifteen yards from
+the principal actor; and I should doubtless have felt it in all its
+force, had not my attention been drawn off by the ludicrous expression of
+grief in O'Leary's countenance, who evidently regarded me as already
+defunct.
+
+"Now, Lorrequer, we are ready," said Trevanion, coming forward; and then,
+lowering his voice, added, "All is in your favour; I have won the 'word,'
+which I shall give the moment you halt.  So turn and fire at once: be
+sure not to go too far round in the turn--that is the invariable error in
+this mode of firing; only no hurry--be calm."
+
+"Now, Messieurs," said Derigny, as he approached with his friend leaning
+upon his arm, and placed him in the spot allotted to him.  Trevanion then
+took my arm, and placed me back to back to my antagonist.  As I took up
+my ground, it so chanced that my adversary's spur slightly grazed me,
+upon which he immediately turned round, and, with the most engaging
+smile, begged a "thousand pardons," and hoped I was not hurt.
+
+O'Leary, who saw the incident, and guessed the action aright, called out:
+
+"Oh, the cold-blooded villain; the devil a chance for you, Mr.
+Lorrequer."
+
+"Messieurs, your pistols," said Le Capitaine la Garde, who, as he handed
+the weapons, and repeated once more the conditions of the combat, gave
+the word to march.
+
+I now walked slowly forward to the place marked out by the stone; but it
+seemed that I must have been in advance of my opponent, for I remember
+some seconds elapsed before Trevanion coughed slightly, and then with a
+clear full voice called out "Une," "Deux."  I had scarcely turned myself
+half round, when my right arm was suddenly lifted up, as if by a galvanic
+shock.  My pistol jerked upwards, and exploded the same moment, and then
+dropped powerlessly from my hand, which I now felt was covered with warm
+blood from a wound near the elbow.  From the acute but momentary pang
+this gave me, my attention was soon called off; for scarcely had my arm
+been struck, when a loud clattering noise to my left induced me to turn,
+and then, to my astonishment, I saw my friend O'Leary about twelve feet
+from the ground, hanging on by some ash twigs that grew from the clefts
+of the granite.  Fragments of broken rock were falling around him, and
+his own position momentarily threatened a downfall.  He was screaming
+with all his might; but what he said was entirely lost in the shouts of
+laughter of Trevanion and the Frenchmen, who could scarcely stand with
+the immoderate exuberance of their mirth.
+
+I had not time to run to his aid--which, although wounded, I should have
+done--when the branch he clung to, slowly yielded with his weight, and
+the round, plump figure of my poor friend rolled over the little cleft of
+rock, and, after a few faint struggles, came tumbling heavily down, and
+at last lay peaceably in the deep heather at the bottom--his cries the
+whole time being loud enough to rise even above the vociferous laughter
+of the others.
+
+I now ran forward, as did Trevanion, when O'Leary, turning his eyes
+towards me, said, in the most piteous manner--
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer, I forgive you--here is my hand--bad luck to their French
+way of fighting, that's all--it's only good for killing one's friend.
+I thought I was safe up there, come what might."
+
+"My dear O'Leary," said I, in an agony, which prevented my minding the
+laughing faces around me, "surely you don't mean to say that I have
+wounded you?"
+
+"No, dear, not wounded, only killed me outright--through the brain it
+must be, from the torture I'm suffering."
+
+The shout with which this speech was received, sufficiently aroused me;
+while Trevanion, with a voice nearly choked with laughter, said--
+
+"Why, Lorrequer, did you not see that your pistol, on being struck, threw
+your ball high up on the quarry; fortunately, however, about a foot and a
+half above Mr. O'Leary's head, whose most serious wounds are his
+scratched hands and bruised bones from his tumble."
+
+This explanation, which was perfectly satisfactory to me, was by no means
+so consoling to poor O'Leary, who lay quite unconscious to all around,
+moaning in the most melancholy manner.  Some of the blood, which
+continued to flow fast from my wound, having dropped upon his face,
+roused him a little--but only to increase his lamentation for his own
+destiny, which he believed was fast accomplishing.
+
+"Through the skull--clean through the skull--and preserving my senses to
+the last!  Mr. Lorrequer, stoop down--it is a dying man asks you--don't
+refuse me a last request.  There's neither luck nor grace, honor nor
+glory in such a way of fighting--so just promise me you'll shoot that
+grinning baboon there, when he's going off the ground, since it's the
+fashion to fire at a man with his back to you.  Bring him down, and I'll
+die easy."
+
+And with these words he closed his eyes, and straightened out his legs
+--stretched his arm at either side, and arranged himself as much corpse
+fashion as the circumstances of the ground would permit--while I now
+freely participated in the mirth of the others, which, loud and
+boisterous as it was, never reached the ears of O'Leary.
+
+My arm had now become so painful, that I was obliged to ask Trevanion to
+assist me in getting off my coat.  The surprise of the Frenchmen on
+learning that I was wounded was very considerable--O'Leary's catastrophe
+having exclusively engaged all attention.  My arm was now examined, when
+it was discovered that the ball had passed through from one side to the
+other, without apparently touching the bone; the bullet and the portion
+of my coat carried in by it both lay in my sleeve.  The only serious
+consequence to be apprehended was the wound of the blood-vessel, which
+continued to pour forth blood unceasingly, and I was just surgeon enough
+to guess that an artery had been cut.
+
+Trevanion bound his handkerchief tightly across the wound, and assisted
+me to the high road, which, so sudden was the loss of blood, I reached
+with difficulty.  During all these proceedings, nothing could be possibly
+more kind and considerate than the conduct of our opponents.  All the
+farouche and swaggering air which they had deemed the "rigueur" before,
+at once fled, and in its place we found the most gentlemanlike attention
+and true politeness.
+
+As soon as I was enabled to speak upon the matter, I begged Trevanion to
+look to poor O'Leary, who still lay upon the ground in a state of perfect
+unconsciousness.  Captain Derigny, on hearing my wish, at once returned
+to the quarry, and, with the greatest difficulty, persuaded my friend to
+rise and endeavour to walk, which at last he did attempt, calling him to
+bear witness that it perhaps was the only case on record where a man with
+a bullet in his brain had made such an exertion.
+
+With a view to my comfort and quiet, they put him into the cab of Le
+Baron; and, having undertaken to send Dupuytrien to me immediately on my
+reaching Paris, took their leave, and Trevanion and I set out homeward.
+
+Not all my exhaustion and debility--nor even the acute pain I was
+suffering, could prevent my laughing at O'Leary's adventure; and it
+required all Trevanion's prudence to prevent my indulging too far in my
+recollection of it.
+
+When we reached Meurice's, I found Dupuytrien in waiting, who immediately
+pronounced the main artery of the limb as wounded; and almost as
+instantaneously proceeded to pass a ligature round it.  This painful
+business being concluded, I was placed upon a sofa, and being plentifully
+supplied with lemonade, and enjoined to keep quiet, left to my own
+meditations, such as they were, till evening--Trevanion having taken upon
+him to apologize for our absence at Mrs. Bingham's dejeune, and O'Leary
+being fast asleep in his own apartments.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXV.
+
+EARLY RECOLLECTIONS--A FIRST LOVE.
+
+I know of no sensations so very nearly alike, as those felt on awaking
+after very sudden and profuse loss of blood, and those resulting from a
+large dose of opium.  The dizziness, the confusion, and the abstraction
+at first, gradually yielding, as the senses became clearer, to a vague
+and indistinct consciousness; then the strange mistiness, in which fact
+and fiction are wrapped up--the confounding of persons, and places, and
+times, not so as to embarrass and annoy--for the very debility you feel
+subdues all irritation--but rather to present a panoramic picture of odd
+and incongruous events more pleasing than otherwise.
+
+Of the circumstances by which I was thus brought to a sick couch, I had
+not even the most vague recollection--the faces and the dress of all
+those I had lately seen were vividly before me; but how, and for what
+purpose I knew not.  Something in their kindness and attention had left
+an agreeable impression upon my mind, and without being able, or even
+attempting to trace it, I felt happy in the thought.  While thus the
+"hour before" was dim and indistinct, the events of years past were
+vividly and brightly pictured before me; and strange, too, the more
+remote the period, the more did it seem palpable and present to my
+imagination.  For so it is, there is in memory a species of mental
+long-sightedness, which, though blind to the object close beside you, can
+reach the blue mountains and the starry skies, which lie full many a
+league away.  Is this a malady? or is it rather a providential gift to
+alleviate the tedious hours of the sick bed, and cheer the lonely
+sufferer, whose thoughts are his only realm?
+
+My school-boy days, in all their holiday excitement; the bank where I had
+culled the earliest cowslips of the year; the clear but rapid stream,
+where days long I have watched the speckled trout, as they swam
+peacefully beneath, or shook their bright fins in the gay sunshine; the
+gorgeous dragon-fly that played above the water, and dipped his bright
+wings in its ripple--they were all before me.  And then came the thought
+of school itself, with its little world of boyish cares and emulations;
+the early imbibed passion for success; the ardent longing for
+superiority; the high and swelling feeling of the heart, as home drew
+near, to think that I had gained the wished for prize--the object of many
+an hour's toil--the thought of many a long night's dream; my father's
+smile; my mother's kiss!  Oh! what a very world of tender memory that one
+thought suggests; for what are all our later successes in life--how
+bright soever our fortune be--compared with the early triumphs of our
+infancy?  Where, among the jealous rivalry of some, the cold and
+half-wrung praise of others, the selfish and unsympathising regard of all,
+shall we find any thing to repay us for the swelling extacy of our young
+hearts, as those who have cradled and loved us grow proud in our
+successes?  For myself, a life that has failed in every prestige of those
+that prophesied favourably--years that have followed on each other only
+to blight the promise that kind and well-wishing friends foretold--leave
+but little to dwell upon, that can be reckoned as success.  And yet, some
+moments I have had, which half seemed to realize my early dream of
+ambition, and rouse my spirit within me; but what were they all compared
+to my boyish glories? what the passing excitement one's own heart
+inspires in the lonely and selfish solitude, when compared with that
+little world of sympathy and love our early home teemed with, as, proud
+in some trifling distinction, we fell into a mother's arms, and heard our
+father's "God bless you, boy?"  No, no; the world has no requital for
+this.  It is like the bright day-spring, which, as its glories gild the
+east, display before us a whole world of beauty and promise--blighted
+hopes have not withered, false friendships have not scathed, cold,
+selfish interest has not yet hardened our hearts, or dried up our
+affections, and we are indeed happy; but equally like the burst of
+morning is it fleeting and short-lived; and equally so, too, does it pass
+away, never, never to return.
+
+From thoughts like these my mind wandered on to more advanced years,
+when, emerging from very boyhood, I half believed myself a man, and was
+fully convinced I was in love.
+
+Perhaps, after all, for the time it lasted--ten days, I think--it was the
+most sincere passion I ever felt.  I had been spending some weeks at a
+small watering-place in Wales with some relatives of my mother.  There
+were, as might be supposed, but few "distractions" in such a place, save
+the scenery, and an occasional day's fishing in the little river of
+Dolgelly, which ran near.  In all these little rambles which the younger
+portion of the family made together, frequent mention was ever being made
+of a visit from a very dear cousin, and to which all looked forward with
+the greatest eagerness--the elder ones of the party with a certain air of
+quiet pleasure, as though they knew more than they said, and the younger
+with all the childish exuberance of youthful delight.  Clara Mourtray
+seemed to be, from all I was hourly hearing, the very paragon and pattern
+of every thing.  If any one was praised for beauty, Clara was immediately
+pronounced much prettier--did any one sing, Clara's voice and taste were
+far superior.  In our homeward walk, should the shadows of the dark hills
+fall with a picturesque effect upon the blue lake, some one was sure to
+say, "Oh! how Clara would like to sketch that."  In short, there was no
+charm nor accomplishment ever the gift of woman, that Clara did not
+possess; or, what amounted pretty much to the same thing, that my
+relatives did not implicitly give her credit for.  The constantly
+recurring praises of the same person affect us always differently as we
+go on in life.  In youth the prevailing sentiment is an ardent desire to
+see the prodigy of whom we have heard so much--in after years, heartily
+to detest what hourly hurts our self-love by comparisons.  We would take
+any steps to avoid meeting what we have inwardly decreed to be a "bore."
+The former was my course; and though my curiosity was certainly very
+great, I had made up my mind to as great a disappointment, and half
+wished for the longed arrival as a means of criticising what they could
+see no fault in.
+
+The wished-for evening at length came, and we all set out upon a walk to
+meet the carriage which was to bring the bien aime Clara among us.  We
+had not walked above a mile when the eager eye of the foremost detected a
+cloud of dust upon the road at some distance; and, after a few minutes
+more, four posters were seen coming along at a tremendous rate.  The next
+moment she was making the tour of about a dozen uncles, aunts, cousins,
+and cousines, none of whom, it appeared to me, felt any peculiar desire
+to surrender the hearty embrace to the next of kin in succession.  At
+last she came to me, when, perhaps, in the confusion of the moment, not
+exactly remembering whether or not she had seen me before, she stood for
+a moment silent--a deep blush mantling her lovely cheek--masses of waving
+brown hair disordered and floating upon her shoulders--her large and
+liquid blue eyes beaming upon me.  One look was enough.  I was deeply
+--irretrievably in love.
+
+"Our cousin Harry--Harry Lorrequer--wild Harry, as we used to call him,
+Clara," said one of the girls introducing me.
+
+She held out her hand, and said something with a smile.  What, I know
+not--nor can I tell how I replied; but something absurd it must have
+been, for they all laughed heartily, and the worthy papa himself tapped
+my shoulder jestingly, adding,
+
+"Never mind, Harry--you will do better one day, or I am much mistaken in
+you."
+
+Whether I was conscious that I had behaved foolishly or not, I cannot
+well say; but the whole of that night I thought over plans innumerable
+how I should succeed in putting myself forward before "Cousin Clara," and
+vindicating myself against any imputation of schoolboy mannerisms that my
+first appearance might have caused.
+
+The next day we remained at home.  Clara was too much fatigued to walk
+out, and none of us would leave her.  What a day of happiness that was!
+I knew something of music, and could sing a second.  Clara was delighted
+at this, for the others had not cultivated singing much.  We therefore
+spent the whole morning in this way.  Then she produced her sketch-book,
+and I brought out mine, and we had a mutual interchange of prisoners.
+What cutting out of leaves and detaching of rice-paper landscapes!  The
+she came out upon the lawn to see my pony leap, and promised to ride him
+the following day.  She patted the greyhounds, and said Gipsy, which was
+mine, was the prettiest.  In a word, before night fell Clara had won my
+heart in its every fibre, and I went to my room the very happiest of
+mortals.
+
+I need not chronicle my next three days--to me the most glorious "trois
+jours" of my life.  Clara had evidently singled me out and preferred me
+to all the rest.  It was beside me she rode--upon my arm she leaned in
+walking--and, to comble me with delight unutterable, I overheard her say
+to my uncle, "Oh, I doat upon poor Harry!  And it is so pleasant, for I'm
+sure Mortimer will be so jealous."
+
+"And who is Mortimer," thought I; "he is a new character in the piece, of
+whom we have seen nothing."
+
+I was not long in doubt upon this head, for that very day, at dinner, the
+identical Mortimer presented himself.  He was a fine, dashing-looking,
+soldier-like fellow, of about thirty-five, and with a heavy moustache,
+and a bronzed cheek--rather grave in his manner, but still perfectly
+good-natured, and when he smiled showing a most handsome set of regular
+teeth.  Clara seemed less pleased (I thought) at his coming than the
+others, and took pleasure in tormenting him by a thousand pettish and
+frivolous ways, which I was sorry for, as I thought he did not like it;
+and used to look half chidingly at her from time to time, but without any
+effect, for she just went on as before, and generally ended by taking my
+arm and saying, "Come away, Harry; you always are kind, and never look
+sulky.  I can agree with you."  These were delightful words for me to
+listen to, but I could not hear them without feeling for him, who
+evidently was pained by Clara's avowed preference for me; and whose
+years--for I thought thirty-five at that time a little verging upon the
+patriarchal--entitled him to more respect.
+
+"Well," thought I, one evening, as this game had been carried rather
+farther than usual, "I hope she is content now, for certainly Mortimer is
+jealous;" and the result proved it, for the whole of the following day he
+absented himself, and never came back till late in the evening.  He had
+been, I found, from a chance observation I overheard, at the bishop's
+palace, and the bishop himself, I learned, was to breakfast with us in
+the morning.
+
+"Harry, I have a commission for you," said Clara.  "You must get up
+very early to-morrow, and climb the Cader mountain, and bring me a grand
+bouquet of the blue and purple heath that I liked so much the last time
+I was there.  Mind very early, for I intend to surprise the bishop
+to-morrow with my taste in a nosegay."
+
+The sun had scarcely risen as I sprang from my bed, and started upon my
+errand.  Oh! the glorious beauty of that morning's walk.  As I climbed
+the mountain, the deep mists lay upon all around, and except the path I
+was treading, nothing was visible; but before I reached the top, the
+heavy masses of vapour were yielding to the influence of the sun; and as
+they rolled from the valleys up the mountain sides, were every instant
+opening new glens and ravines beneath me--bright in all their verdure,
+and speckled with sheep, whose tingling bells reached me even where I
+stood.
+
+I counted above twenty lakes at different levels, below me; some
+brilliant, and shining like polished mirrors; others not less beautiful,
+dark and solemn with some mighty mountain shadow.  As I looked landward,
+the mountains reared their huge crests, one above the other, to the
+farthest any eye could reach.  Towards the opposite side, the calm and
+tranquil sea lay beneath me, bathed in the yellow gold of a rising sun; a
+few ships were peaceably lying at anchor in the bay; and the only thing
+in motion was a row-boat, the heavy monotonous stroke of whose oars rose
+in the stillness of the morning air.  Not a single habitation of man
+could I descry, nor any vestige of a human being, except that mass of
+something upon the rock far down beneath be one, and I think it is, for I
+see the sheep-dog ever returning again and again to the same spot.
+
+My bouquet was gathered; the gentian of the Alps, which is found here,
+also contributing its evidence to show where I had been to seek it, and I
+turned home.
+
+The family were at breakfast as I entered; at least so the servants said,
+for I only remembered then that the bishop was our guest, and that I
+could not present myself without some slight attention to my dress.  I
+hastened to my room, and scarcely had I finished, when one of my cousins,
+a little girl of eight years, came to the door and said,
+
+"Harry, come down; Clara wants you."
+
+I rushed down stairs, and as I entered the breakfast parlour, stood still
+with surprise.  The ladies were all dressed in white, and even my little
+cousin wore a gala costume that amazed me.
+
+"My bouquet, Harry; I hope you have not forgotten it," said Clara, as I
+approached.
+
+I presented it at once, when she gaily and coquettishly held out her hand
+for me to kiss.  This I did, my blood rushing to my face and temples the
+while, and almost depriving me of consciousness.
+
+"Well, Clara, I am surprised at you," said Mortimer.  "How can you treat
+the poor boy so?"
+
+I grew deadly pale at these words, and, turning round, looked at the
+speaker full in the face.  Poor fellow, thought I, he is jealous, and I
+am really grieved for him; and turned again to Clara.
+
+"Here it is--oh! how handsome, papa," said one of the younger children,
+running eagerly to the window, as a very pretty open carriage with four
+horses drew up before the house.
+
+"The bishop has taste," I murmured to myself, scarcely deigning to give a
+second look at the equipage.
+
+Clara now left the room, but speedily returned--her dress changed, and
+shawled as if for a walk.  What could all this mean?--and the whispering,
+too, what is all that?--and why are they all so sad?--Clara has been
+weeping.
+
+"God bless you, my child--good by," said my aunt, as she folded her in
+her arms for the third time.
+
+"Good by, good by," I heard on every side.  At length, approaching me,
+Clara took my hand and said--
+
+"My poor Harry, so we are going to part.  I am going to Italy."
+
+"To Italy, Clara?  Oh! no--say no.  Italy!  I shall never see you again."
+
+"Won't you wear this ring for me, Harry?  It is an old favourite of
+yours--and when we meet again"--
+
+"Oh! dearest Clara," I said, "do not speak thus."
+
+"Good by, my poor boy, good by," said Clara hurriedly; and, rushing
+out of the room, she was lifted by Mortimer into the carriage, who,
+immediately jumping in after her, the whip cracked, the horses clattered,
+and all was out of sight in a second.
+
+"Why is she gone with him?" said I, reproachfully, turning towards my
+aunt.
+
+"Why, my dear, a very sufficient reason.  She was married this morning."
+
+This was my first love.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVI.
+
+WISE RESOLVES.
+
+Musing over this boyish adventure, I fell into a deep slumber, and on
+awakening it took me some minutes before I could recall my senses
+sufficiently to know where I was.  The whole face of things in my room
+was completely changed.  Flowers had been put in the china vases upon the
+tables--two handsome lamps, shaded with gauzes, stood upon the consoles
+--illustrated books, prints, and caricatures, were scattered about.  A
+piano-forte had also, by some witchcraft, insinuated itself into a recess
+near the sofa--a handsome little tea service, of old Dresden china,
+graced a marquetry table--and a little picquet table stood most
+invitingly beside the fire.  I had scarcely time to turn my eyes from one
+to the other of these new occupants, when I heard the handle of my door
+gently turn, as if by some cautious hand, and immediately closed my eyes
+and feigned sleep.  Through my half-shut lids I perceived the door
+opened.  After a pause of about a second, the skirt of a white muslin
+dress appeared--then a pretty foot stole a little farther--and at last
+the slight and graceful figure of Emily Bingham advanced noiselessly into
+the room.  Fear had rendered her deadly pale; but the effect of her rich
+brown hair, braided plainly on either side of her cheek, suited so well
+the character of her features, I thought her far handsomer than ever.
+She came forward towards the table, and I now could perceive that she had
+something in her hand resembling a letter.  This she placed near my hand
+--so near as almost to touch it.  She leaned over me--I felt her breath
+upon my brow, but never moved.  At this instant, a tress of her hair,
+becoming unfastened, fell over upon my face.  She started--the motion
+threw me off my guard, and I looked up.  She gave a faint, scarce audible
+shriek, and sank into the chair beside me.  Recovering, however, upon the
+instant, she grasped the letter she had just laid down, and, having
+crushed it between her fingers, threw it into the fire.  This done--as if
+the effort had been too much for her strength--she again fell back upon
+her seat, and looked so pale I almost thought she had fainted.
+
+Before I had time to speak, she rose once more; and now her face was
+bathed in blushes, her eyes swam with rising tears, and her lips trembled
+with emotion as she spoke.
+
+"Oh, Mr. Lorrequer, what will you--what can you think of this?  If you
+but knew--;" and here she faltered and again grew pale, while I with
+difficulty rising from the sofa, took her hand, and led her to the chair
+beside it.
+
+"And may I not know?" said I; "may I not know, my dear"--I am not sure
+I did not say dearest--"Miss Bingham, when, perhaps, the knowledge might
+make me the happiest of mortals?"
+
+This was a pretty plunge as a sequel to my late resolutions.  She hid her
+face between her hands, and sobbed for some seconds.
+
+"At least," said I, "as that letter was destined for me but a few moments
+since, I trust that you will let me hear its contents."
+
+"Oh no--not now--not now," said she entreatingly; and, rising at the same
+time, she turned to leave the room.  I still held her hand, and pressed
+it within mine.  I thought she returned the pressure.  I leaned forward
+to catch her eye, when the door was opened hastily, and a most
+extraordinary figure presented itself.
+
+It was a short, fat man, with a pair of enormous moustaches, of a fiery
+red; huge bushy whiskers of the same colour; a blue frock covered with
+braiding, and decorated with several crosses and ribbons; tight
+pantaloons and Hessian boots, with long brass spurs.  He held a large
+gold-headed cane in his hand, and looked about with an expression of very
+equivocal drollery, mingled with fear.
+
+"May I ask, sir," said I, as this individual closed the door behind him,
+"may I ask the reason for this intrusion?"
+
+"Oh, upon my conscience, I'll do--I'm sure to pass muster now," said the
+well-known voice of Mr. O'Leary, whose pleasant features began to dilate
+amid the forest of red hair he was disguised in.  "But I see you are
+engaged," said he, with a sly look at Miss Bingham, whom he had not yet
+recognised; "so I must contrive to hide myself elsewhere, I suppose."
+
+"It is Miss Bingham," said I, "who has been kind enough to come here
+with her maid, to bring me some flowers.  Pray present my respectful
+compliments to Mrs. Bingham, and say how deeply I feel her most kind
+attention."
+
+Emily rose at the instant, and recovering her self-possession at once,
+said--
+
+"You forget, Mr. Lorrequer, it is a secret from whom the flowers came;
+at least mamma hoped to place them in your vases without you knowing.
+So, pray, don't speak of it--and I'm sure Mr. O'Leary will not tell."
+
+If Mr. O'Leary heard one word of this artful speech, I know not, but he
+certainly paid no attention to it, nor the speaker, who left the room
+without his appearing aware of it.
+
+"Now that she is gone--for which heaven be praised," said I to myself;
+"let me see what this fellow can mean."
+
+As I turned from the door, I could scarcely avoid laughing aloud at the
+figure before me.  He stood opposite a large mirror, his hat on one side
+of his head, one arm in his breast, and the other extended, leaning upon
+his stick; a look of as much ferocity as such features could accomplish
+had been assumed, and his whole attitude was a kind of caricature of a
+melo-dramatic hero in a German drama.
+
+"Why, O'Leary, what is all this?"
+
+"Hush, hush," said he, in a terrified whisper--"never mention that name
+again, till we are over the frontier."
+
+"But, man, explain--what do you mean?"
+
+"Can't you guess," said he drily.
+
+"Impossible; unless the affair at the saloon has induced you to take this
+disguise, I cannot conceive the reason."
+
+"Nothing farther from it, my dear friend; much worse than that."
+
+"Out with it, then, at once."
+
+"She's come--she's here--in this very house--No. 29, above the entre
+sol."
+
+"Who is here, in No. 29, above the entre sol?"
+
+"Who, but Mrs. O'Leary herself.  I was near saying bad luck to her."
+
+"And does she know you are here?"
+
+"That is what I can't exactly say," said he, "but she has had the Livre
+des Voyageurs brought up to her room, and has been making rather
+unpleasant inquiries for the proprietor of certain hieroglyphics
+beginning with O, which have given me great alarm--the more, as all the
+waiters have been sent for in turn, and subjected to long examination by
+her.  So I have lost no time, but, under the auspices of your friend
+Trevanion, have become the fascinating figure you find me, and am now
+Compte O'Lieuki, a Pole of noble family, banished by the Russian
+government, with a father in Siberia, and all that; and I hope, by the
+end of the week, to be able to cheat at ecarte, and deceive the very
+police itself."
+
+The idea of O'Leary's assuming such a metamorphosis was too absurd not
+to throw me into a hearty fit of laughing, in which the worthy emigre
+indulged also.
+
+"But why not leave this at once," said I, "if you are so much in dread of
+a recognition?"
+
+"You forget the trial," added O'Leary, "I must be here on the 18th or all
+my bail is forfeited."
+
+"True--I had forgot that.  Well, now, your plans?"--
+
+"Simply to keep very quiet here till the affair of the tribunal is over,
+and then quit France at once.  Meanwhile, Trevanion thinks that we may,
+by a bold stratagem, send Mrs. O'Leary off on a wrong scent, and has
+requested Mrs. Bingham to contrive to make her acquaintance, and ask her
+to tea in her room, when she will see me, en Polonais, at a distance, you
+know--hear something of my melancholy destiny from Trevanion--and leave
+the hotel quite sure she has no claim on me.  Meanwhile, some others of
+the party are to mention incidentally having met Mr. O'Leary somewhere,
+or heard of his decease, or any pleasant little incident that may occur
+to them."
+
+"The plan is excellent," said I, "for in all probability she may never
+come in your way again, if sent off on a good errand this time."
+
+"That's what I'm thinking," said O'Leary; "and I am greatly disposed to
+let her hear that I'm with Belzoni in Egypt, with an engagement to spend
+the Christmas with the Dey of Algiers.  That would give her a very pretty
+tour for the remainder of the year, and show her the pyramids.  But, tell
+me fairly, am I a good Pole?"
+
+"Rather short," said I, "and a little too fat, perhaps."
+
+"That comes from the dash of Tartar blood, nothing more; and my mother
+was a Fin," said he, "she'll never ask whether from Carlow or the
+Caucasus.  How I revel in the thought, that I may smoke in company
+without a breach of the unities.  But I must go: there is a gentleman
+with a quinsey in No. 9, that gives me a lesson in Polish this morning.
+So good-by, and don't forget to be well enough to-night, for you must be
+present at my debut."
+
+O'Leary had scarcely gone, when my thoughts reverted to Emily Bingham.
+I was not such a coxcomb as to fancy her in love with me; yet certainly
+there was something in the affair which looked not unlike it; and though,
+by such a circumstance, every embarrassment which pressed upon me had
+become infinitely greater, I could not dissemble from myself a sense of
+pleasure at the thought.  She was really a very pretty girl, and improved
+vastly upon acquaintance.  "Le absens ont toujours torts" is the truest
+proverb in any language, and I felt it in its fullest force when
+Trevanion entered my room.
+
+"Well, Lorrequer," said he, "your time is certainly not likely to hang
+heavily on your hands in Paris, if occupation will prevent it, for I find
+you are just now booked for a new scrape."
+
+"What can you mean?" said I, starting up.
+
+"Why, O'Leary, who has been since your illness, the constant visiter at
+the Binghams--dining there every day, and spending his evenings--has just
+told me that the mamma is only waiting for the arrival of Sir Guy
+Lorrequer in Paris to open the trenches in all form; and from what she
+has heard of Sir Guy, she deems it most likely he will give her every aid
+and support to making you the husband of the fair Emily."
+
+"And with good reason, too," said I; "for if my uncle were only given to
+understand that I had once gone far in my attentions, nothing would
+induce him to break off the match.  He was crossed in love himself when
+young, and has made a score of people miserable since, in the benevolent
+idea of marrying them against every obstacle."
+
+"How very smart you have become," said Trevanion, taking a look round my
+room, and surveying in turn each of the new occupants.  "You must
+certainly reckon upon seeing your fair friend here, or all this propriete
+is sadly wasted."
+
+This was the time to explain all about Miss Bingham's visit; and I did
+so, of course omitting any details which might seem to me needless, or
+involving myself in inconsistency.
+
+Trevanion listened patiently to the end--was silent for some moments
+--then added--
+
+"And you never saw the letter?"
+
+"Of course not.  It was burned before my eyes."
+
+"I think the affair looks very serious, Lorrequer.  You may have won this
+girl's affections.  It matters little whether the mamma be a hacknied
+match-maker, or the cousin a bullying duellist.  If the girl have a
+heart, and that you have gained it"--
+
+"Then I must marry, you would say."
+
+"Exactly so--without the prompting of your worthy uncle, I see no
+other course open to you without dishonour.  My advice, therefore, is,
+ascertain--and that speedily--how far your attentions have been attended
+with the success you dread--and then decide at once.  Are you able to get
+as far as Mrs. Bingham's room this morning?  If so, come along.  I shall
+take all the frais of la chere mamma off your hands, while you talk to
+the daughter; and half-an-hour's courage and resolution will do it all."
+
+Having made the most effective toilet my means would permit, my right arm
+in a sling, and my step trembling from weakness, I sallied forth with
+Trevanion to make love with as many fears for the result as the most
+bashful admirer ever experienced, when pressing his suit upon some
+haughty belle--but for a far different reason.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVII.
+
+THE PROPOSAL.
+
+On reaching Mrs. Bingham's apartments, we found that she had just left
+home to wait upon Mrs. O'Leary, and consequently, that Miss Bingham was
+alone.  Trevanion, therefore, having wished me a safe deliverance through
+my trying mission, shook my hand warmly, and departed.
+
+I stood for some minutes irresolutely, with my hand upon the lock of the
+door.  To think that the next few moments may decide the fortune of one's
+after life, is a sufficiently anxious thought; but that your fate may be
+so decided, by compelling you to finish in sorrow what you have begun in
+folly, is still more insupportable.  Such, then, was my condition.  I had
+resolved within myself, if the result of this meeting should prove that I
+had won Miss Bingham's affections, to propose for her at once in all
+form, and make her my wife.  If, on the other hand, I only found that she
+too had amused herself with a little passing flirtation, why then, I was
+a free man once more: but, on catechising myself a little closer, also,
+one somewhat disposed to make love de novo.
+
+With the speed of lightning, my mind ran over every passage of our
+acquaintance--our first meeting--our solitary walks--our daily, hourly
+associations--our travelling intimacy--the adventure at Chantraine;
+--There was, it is true, nothing in all this which could establish the
+fact of wooing, but every thing which should convince an old offender
+like myself that the young lady was "en prise," and that I myself
+--despite my really strong attachment elsewhere--was not entirely
+scathless.
+
+"Yes," said I, half aloud, as I once more reviewed the past, "it is but
+another chapter in my history in keeping with all the rest--one step has
+ever led me to a second, and so on to a third; what with other men have
+passed for mere trifles, have ever with me become serious difficulties,
+and the false enthusiasm with which I ever follow any object in life,
+blinds me for the time, and mistaking zeal for inclination, I never feel
+how little my heart is interested in success, till the fever of pursuit
+is over."
+
+These were pleasant thoughts for one about to throw himself at a pretty
+girl's feet, and pour out his "soul of love before her;" but that with me
+was the least part of it.  Curran, they say, usually picked up his facts
+in a case from the opposite counsel's statements; I always relied for my
+conduct in carrying on any thing, to the chance circumstances of the
+moment, and trusted to my animal spirits to give me an interest in
+whatever for the time being engaged me.
+
+I opened the door.  Miss Bingham was sitting at a table, her head leaning
+upon her hands--some open letters which lay before her, evidently so
+occupying her attention, that my approach was unheard.  On my addressing
+her, she turned round suddenly, and became at first deep scarlet, then
+pale as death: while, turning to the table, she hurriedly threw her
+letters into a drawer, and motioned me to a place beside her.
+
+After the first brief and common-place inquiry for my health, and hopes
+for my speedy recovery, she became silent; and I too, primed with topics
+innumerable to discuss--knowing how short my time might prove before Mrs.
+Bingham's return--could not say a word.
+
+"I hope, Mr. Lorrequer," said she, at length, "that you have incurred no
+risque by leaving your room so early."
+
+"I have not," I replied, "but, even were there a certainty of it, the
+anxiety I laboured under to see and speak with you alone, would have
+overcome all fears on this account.  Since this unfortunate business
+has confined me to my chamber, I have done nothing but think over
+circumstances which have at length so entirely taken possession of me,
+that I must, at any sacrifice, have sought an opportunity to explain to
+you"--here Emily looked down, and I continued--"I need scarcely say what
+my feelings must long since have betrayed, that to have enjoyed the daily
+happiness of living in your society, of estimating your worth, of feeling
+your fascinations, were not the means most in request for him, who knew,
+too well, how little he deserved, either by fortune or desert, to hope,
+to hope to make you his; and yet, how little has prudence or caution to
+do with situations like this."  She did not guess the animus of this
+speech.  "I felt all I have described; and yet, and yet, I lingered on,
+prizing too dearly the happiness of the present hour, to risque it by any
+avowal of sentiments, which might have banished me from your presence for
+ever.  If the alteration of these hopes and fears have proved too strong
+for my reason at last, I cannot help it; and this it is which now leads
+me to make this avowal to you."  Emily turned her head away from me; but
+her agitated manner showed how deeply my words had affected her; and I
+too, now that I had finished, felt that I had been "coming it rather
+strong."
+
+"I hoped, Mr. Lorrequer," said she, at length, "I hoped, I confess, to
+have had an opportunity of speaking with you."  Then, thought I, the game
+is over, and Bishop Luscombe is richer by five pounds, than I wish him.
+--"Something, I know not what, in your manner, led me to suspect that your
+affections might lean towards me; hints you have dropped, and, now and
+then, your chance allusions strengthened the belief, and I determined, at
+length, that no feeling of maidenly shame on my part should endanger the
+happiness of either of us, and I determined to see you; this was so
+difficult, that I wrote a letter, and that letter, which might have saved
+me all distressing explanation, I burned before you this morning."
+
+"But, why, dearest girl,"--here was a plunge--"why, if the letter could
+remove any misconstruction, or could be the means of dispelling any
+doubt--why not let me see it?"
+
+"Hear me out," cried she, eagerly, and evidently not heeding my
+interruption, "I determined if your affections were indeed"--a flood of
+tears here broke forth, and drowned her words; her head sank between her
+hands, and she sobbed bitterly.
+
+"Corpo di Baccho!" said I to myself, "It is all over with me; the poor
+girl is evidently jealous, and her heart will break."
+
+"Dearest, dearest Emily," said I, passing my arm round her, and
+approaching my head close to her's, "if you think that any other love
+than yours could ever beat within this heart--that I could see you hourly
+before me--live beneath your smile, and gaze upon your beauty--and, still
+more than all--pardon the boldness of the thought--feel that I was not
+indifferent to you."--
+
+"Oh! spare me this at least," said she, turning round her tearful eyes
+upon me, and looking most bewitchingly beautiful.  "Have I then showed
+you this plainly?"
+
+"Yes, dearest girl!  That instinct which tells us we are loved has spoken
+within me.  And here in this beating heart"--
+
+"Oh! say not more," said she, "if I have, indeed, gained your
+affections"--
+
+"If--if you have," said I, clasping her to my heart, while she continued
+to sob still violently, and I felt half disposed to blow my brains out
+for my success.  However, there is something in love-making as in
+fox-hunting, which carries you along in spite of yourself; and I
+continued to pour forth whole rhapsodies of love that the Pastor Fido
+could not equal.
+
+"Enough," said she, "it is enough that you love me and that I have
+encouraged your so doing.  But oh! tell me once more, and think how much
+of future happiness may rest upon your answer--tell me, may not this be
+some passing attachment, which circumstances have created, and others may
+dispel?  Say, might not absence, time, or another more worthy"--
+
+This was certainly a very rigid cross-examination when I thought the
+trial was over; and not being exactly prepared for it, I felt no other
+mode of reply than pressing her taper fingers alternately to my lips, and
+muttering something that might pass for a declaration of love
+unalterable, but, to my own ears, resembled a lament on my folly.
+
+"She is mine now," thought I, "so we must e'en make the best of it; and
+truly she is a very handsome girl, though not a Lady Jane Callonby.  The
+next step is the mamma; but I do not anticipate much difficulty in that
+quarter."
+
+"Leave me now," said she, in a low and broken voice; "but promise not to
+speak of this meeting to any one before we meet again.  I have my
+reasons; believe me they are sufficient ones, so promise me this before
+we part."
+
+Having readily given the pledge required, I again kissed her hand and
+bade farewell, not a little puzzled the whole time at perceiving that
+ever since my declaration and acceptance Emily seemed any thing but
+happy, and evidently struggling against some secret feeling of which I
+knew nothing.  "Yes," thought I, as I wended my way along the corridor,
+"the poor girl is tremendously jealous, and I must have said may a thing
+during our intimacy to hurt her.  However, that is all past and gone; and
+now comes a new character for me: my next appearance wil be 'en bon
+mari.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXVIII.
+
+THOUGHTS UPON MATRIMONY IN GENERAL, AND IN THE ARMY IN PARTICULAR--THE
+KNIGHT OF KERRY AND BILLY M'CABE.
+
+"So," thought I, as I closed the door of my room behind me, "I am
+accepted--the die is cast which makes me a Benedict: yet heaven knows
+that never was a man less disposed to be over joyous at his good
+fortune!"  What a happy invention it were, if when adopting any road in
+life, we could only manage to forget that we had ever contemplated any
+other!  It is the eternal looking back in this world that forms the
+staple of all our misery; and we are but ill-requited for such
+unhappiness by the brightest anticipations we can conjure up for the
+future.  How much of all that "past" was now to become a source of
+painful recollection, and to how little of the future could I look
+forward with even hope!
+
+Our weaknesses are much more constantly the spring of all our annoyances
+and troubles than even our vices.  The one we have in some sort of
+subjection: we are perfectly slaves to the others.  This thought came
+home most forcibly to my bosom, as I reflected upon the step which led me
+on imperceptibly to my present embarrassment.  "Well, c'est fini, now,"
+said I, drawing upon that bountiful source of consolation ever open to
+the man who mars his fortune--that "what is past can't be amended;" which
+piece of philosophy, as well as its twin brother, that "all will be the
+same a hundred years hence," have been golden rules to me from my
+childhood.
+
+The transition from one mode of life to another perfectly different has
+ever seemed to me a great trial of a man's moral courage; besides that
+the fact of quitting for ever any thing, no matter how insignificant or
+valueless, is always attended with painful misgivings.  My bachelor life
+had its share of annoyances and disappointments, it is true; but, upon
+the whole it was a most happy one--and now I was about to surrender it
+for ever, not yielding to the impulse of affection and love for one
+without whom life were valueless to me, but merely a recompense for the
+indulgence of that fatal habit I had contracted of pursuing with
+eagerness every shadow that crossed my path.  All my early friends
+--all my vagrant fancies--all my daydreams of the future I was now to
+surrender--for, what becomes of any man's bachelor friends when he is
+once married?  Where are his rambles in high and bye-ways when he has a
+wife? and what is left for anticipation after his wedding except,
+perhaps, to speculate upon the arrangement of his funeral?  To a military
+man more than to any other these are serious thoughts.  All the
+fascinations of an army life, in war or peace, lie in the daily, hourly
+associations with your brother officers--the morning cigar, the
+barrack-square lounge--the afternoon ride--the game of billiards before
+dinner--the mess (that perfection of dinner society)--the plans for the
+evening--the deviled kidney at twelve--forming so many points of
+departure whence you sail out upon your daily voyage through life.
+Versus those you have that awful perversion of all that is natural--an
+officer's wife.  She has been a beauty when young, had black eyes and
+high complexion, a good figure, rather inclined to embonpoint, and a
+certain springiness in her walk, and a jauntiness in her air, that are
+ever sure attractions to a sub in a marching regiment.  She can play
+backgammon, and sing "di tanti palpiti," and, if an Irishwoman, is
+certain to be able to ride a steeple-chase, and has an uncle a lord, who
+(en parenthese) always turns out to be a creation made by King James
+after his abdication.  In conclusion, she breakfasts en papillote--wears
+her shoes down at heel--calls every officer of the regiment by his name
+--has a great taste for increasing his majesty's lieges, and delights in
+London porter.  To this genus of Frow I have never ceased to entertain
+the most thrilling abhorrence; and yet how often have I seen what
+appeared to be pretty and interesting girls fall into something of this
+sort! and how often have I vowed any fate to myself rather than become
+the husband of a baggage-waggon wife!
+
+Had all my most sanguine hopes promised realizing--had my suit with Lady
+Jane been favourable, I could scarcely have bid adieu to my bachelor life
+without a sigh.  No prospect of future happiness can ever perfectly
+exclude all regret at quitting our present state for ever.  I am sure if
+I had been a caterpillar, it would have been with a heavy heart that I
+would have donned my wings as a butterfly.  Now the metamorphosis was
+reversed: need it be wondered if I were sad?
+
+So completely was I absorbed in my thoughts upon this matter, that I had
+not perceived the entrance of O'Leary and Trevanion, who, unaware of my
+being in the apartment, as I was stretched upon a sofa in a dark corner,
+drew their chairs towards the fire and began chatting.
+
+"Do you know, Mr. Trevanion," said O'Leary, "I am half afraid of this
+disguise of mine.  I sometimes think I am not like a Pole; and if she
+should discover me"--
+
+"No fear of that in the world; your costume is perfect, your beard
+unexceptionable.  I could, perhaps, have desired a little less paunch;
+but then"--
+
+"That comes of fretting, as Falstaff says; and you must not forget that
+I am banished from my country."
+
+"Now, as to your conversation, I should advise you saying very little
+--not one word in English.  You may, if you like, call in the assistance
+of Irish when hard pressed?
+
+"I have my fears on that score.  There is no knowing where that might
+lead to discovery.  You know the story of the Knight of Kerry and Billy
+McCabe?"
+
+"I fear I must confess my ignorance--I have never heard of it."
+
+"Then may be you never knew Giles Daxon?"
+
+"I have not had that pleasure either."
+
+"Lord bless me, how strange that is!  I thought he was better known than
+the Duke of Wellington or the travelling piper.  Well, I must tell you
+the story, for it has a moral, too--indeed several morals; but you'll
+find that out for yourself.  Well, it seems that one day the Knight of
+Kerry was walking along the Strand in London, killing an hour's time,
+till the house was done prayers, and Hume tired of hearing himself
+speaking; his eye was caught by an enormous picture displayed upon the
+wall of a house, representing a human figure covered with long dark hair,
+with huge nails upon his hands, and a most fearful expression of face.
+At first the Knight thought it was Dr. Bowring; but on coming nearer he
+heard a man with a scarlet livery and a cocked hat, call out, 'Walk in,
+ladies and gentlemen--the most vonderful curiosity ever exhibited--only
+one shilling--the vild man from Chippoowango, in Africay--eats raw
+wittles without being cooked, and many other surprising and pleasing
+performances.'
+
+"The knight paid his money, and was admitted.  At first the crowd
+prevented his seeing any thing--for the place was full to suffocation,
+and the noise awful--for, besides the exclamations and applause of the
+audience, there were three barrel-organs, playing 'Home, sweet Home!' and
+'Cherry Ripe,' and the wild man himself contributed his share to the
+uproar.  At last, the Knight obtained, by dint of squeezing, and some
+pushing a place in the front, when, to his very great horror, he beheld a
+figure that far eclipsed the portrait without doors.
+
+"It was a man nearly naked, covered with long, shaggy hair, that grew
+even over his nose and cheek bones.  He sprang about, sometimes on his
+feet, sometimes, all-fours, but always uttering the most fearful yells,
+and glaring upon the crowd, in a manner that was really dangerous.  The
+Knight did not feel exactly happy at the whole proceeding, and began
+heartily to wish himself back in the 'House,' even upon a committee of
+privileges, when, suddenly, the savage gave a more frantic scream than
+before, and seized upon a morsel of raw beef, which a keeper extended to
+him upon a long fork, like a tandem whip--he was not safe, it appears, at
+close quarters;--this he tore to pieces eagerly and devoured in the most
+voracious manner, amid great clapping of hands, and other evidences of
+satisfaction from the audience.  I'll go, now, thought the Knight: for,
+God knows whether, in his hungry moods, he might not fancy to conclude
+his dinner by a member of parliament.  Just at this instant, some sounds
+struck upon his ear that surprised him not a little.  He listened more
+attentively; and, conceive if you can, his amazement, to find that, amid
+his most fearful cries, and wild yells, the savage was talking Irish.
+Laugh, if you like; but it's truth I am telling you; nothing less than
+Irish.  There he was, jumping four feet high in the air, eating his raw
+meat: pulling out his hair by handfuls; and, amid all this, cursing the
+whole company to his heart's content, in as good Irish as ever was heard
+in Tralee.  Now, though the Knight had heard of red Jews and white
+Negroes, he had never happened to read any account of an African
+Irishman; so, he listened very closely, and by degrees, not only the
+words were known to him, but the very voice was familiar.  At length,
+something he heard, left no further doubt upon his mind, and, turning to
+the savage, he addressed him in Irish, at the same time fixing a look of
+most scrutinizing import upon him.
+
+"'Who are you, you scoundrel' said the Knight.
+
+"'Billy M'Cabe your honour.'
+
+"'And what do you mean by playing off these tricks here, instead of
+earning your bread like an honest man?'
+
+"'Whisht,' said Billy, 'and keep the secret.  I'm earning the rent for
+your honour.  One must do many a queer thing that pays two pound ten an
+acre for bad land.'
+
+"This was enough: the Knight wished Billy every success, and left him
+amid the vociferous applause of a well satisfied audience.  This
+adventure, it seems, has made the worthy Knight a great friend to the
+introduction of poor laws; for, he remarks very truly, 'more of Billy's
+countrymen might take a fancy to a savage life, if the secret was found
+out.'"
+
+It was impossible for me to preserve my incognito, as Mr. O'Leary
+concluded his story, and I was obliged to join in the mirth of Trevanion,
+who laughed loud and long as he finished it.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XXXIX.
+
+A REMINISCENCE.
+
+O'Leary and Trevanion had scarcely left the room when the waiter entered
+with two letters--the one bore a German post-mark, and was in the
+well-known hand of Lady Callonby--the other in a writing with which I was
+no less familiar--that of Emily Bingham.
+
+Let any one who has been patient enough to follow me through these
+"Confessions," conceive my agitation at this moment.  There lay my fate
+before me, coupled, in all likelihood, with a view of what it might have
+been under happier auspices--at least so in anticipation did I read the
+two unopened epistles.  My late interview with Miss Bingham left no doubt
+upon my mind that I had secured her affections; and acting in accordance
+with the counsel of Trevanion, no less than of my own sense of right, I
+resolved upon marrying her, with what prospect of happiness I dared not
+to think of!
+
+Alas! and alas! there is no infatuation like the taste for flirtation
+--mere empty, valueless, heartless flirtation.  You hide the dice-box and
+the billiard queue, lest your son become a gambler--you put aside the
+racing calendar, lest he imbibe a jockey predilection--but you never
+tremble at his fondness for white muslin and a satin slipper, far more
+dangerous tastes though they be, and infinitely more perilous to a man's
+peace and prosperity than all the "queens of trumps" that ever figured,
+whether on pasteboard or the Doncaster.  "Woman's my weakness, yer
+honor," said an honest Patlander, on being charged before the lord mayor
+with having four wives living; and without having any such "Algerine act"
+upon my conscience, I must, I fear, enter a somewhat similar plea for my
+downfallings, and avow in humble gratitude, that I have scarcely had a
+misfortune through life unattributable to them in one way or another.
+And this I say without any reference to country, class, or complexion,
+"black, brown or fair," from my first step forth into life, a raw sub.
+in the gallant 4_th, to this same hour, I have no other avowal, no other
+confession to make.  "Be always ready with the pistol," was the dying
+advice of an Irish statesman to his sons: mine, in a similar
+circumstance, would rather be "Gardez vous des femmes," and more
+especially if they be Irish.
+
+There is something almost treacherous in the facility with which an
+Irish girl receives your early attentions and appears to like them,
+that invariably turns a young fellow's head very long before he has any
+prospect of touching her heart.  She thinks it so natural to be made love
+to, that there is neither any affected coyness nor any agitated surprise.
+She listens to your declaration of love as quietly as the chief justice
+would to one of law, and refers the decision to a packed jury of her
+relatives, who rarely recommend you to mercy.  Love and fighting, too,
+are so intimately united in Ireland, that a courtship rarely progresses
+without at least one exchange of shots between some of the parties
+concerned.  My first twenty-four hours in Dublin is so pleasantly
+characteristic of this that I may as well relate it here, while the
+subject is before us; besides, as these "Confessions" are intended as
+warnings and guides to youth, I may convey a useful lesson, showing why
+a man should not "make love in the dark."
+
+It was upon a raw, cold, drizzling morning in February, 18__, that our
+regiment landed on the North-wall from Liverpool, whence we had been
+hurriedly ordered to repress some riots and disturbances then agitating
+Dublin.
+
+We marched to the Royal Barracks, our band playing Patrick's Day, to the
+very considerable admiration of as naked a population as ever loved
+music.  The __th dragoons were at the same time quartered there--right
+pleasant jovial fellows, who soon gave us to understand that the troubles
+were over before we arrived, and that the great city authorities were now
+returning thanks for their preservation from fire and sword, by a series
+of entertainments of the most costly, but somewhat incongruous kind--the
+company being scarce less melee than the dishes.  Peers and playactors,
+judges and jailors, archbishops, tailors, attorneys, ropemakers and
+apothecaries, all uniting in the festive delight of good feeding, and
+drinking the "glorious memory"--but of whom half the company knew not,
+only surmising "it was something agin the papists."  You may smile, but
+these were pleasant times, and I scarcely care to go back there since
+they were changed.  But to return.  The __th had just received an
+invitation to a ball, to be given by the high sheriff, and to which they
+most considerately said we should also be invited.  This negociation was
+so well managed that before noon we all received our cards from a green
+liveried youth, mounted on a very emaciated pony--the whole turn-out not
+auguring flatteringly of the high sheriff's taste in equipage.
+
+We dined with the __th, and, as customary before going to an evening
+party, took the "other bottle" of claret that lies beyond the frontier of
+prudence.  In fact, from the lieutenant-colonel down to the newly-joined
+ensign, there was not a face in the party that did not betray "signs of
+the times" that boded most favourably for the mirth of the sheriff's
+ball.  We were so perfectly up to the mark, that our major, a Connemara
+man, said, as we left the mess-room, "a liqueure glass would spoil us."
+
+In this acme of our intellectual wealth, we started about eleven o'clock
+upon every species of conveyance that chance could press into the
+service.  Of hackney coaches there were few--but in jingles, noddies, and
+jaunting-cars, with three on a side and "one in the well," we mustered
+strong--Down Barrack-street we galloped, the mob cheering us, we
+laughing, and I'm afraid shouting a little, too--the watchmen springing
+their rattles, as if instinctively at noise, and the whole population up
+and awake, evidently entertaining a high opinion of our convivial
+qualities.  Our voices became gradually more decorous, however, as we
+approached the more civilized quarter of the town; and with only the
+slight stoppage of the procession to pick up an occasional dropper-off,
+as he lapsed from the seat of a jaunting-car, we arrived at length at our
+host's residence, somewhere in Sackville-street.
+
+Had our advent conferred the order of knighthood upon the host, he could
+not have received us with more "empressement."  He shook us all in turn
+by the hand, to the number of eight and thirty, and then presented us
+seriatim to his spouse, a very bejewelled lady of some forty years--who,
+what between bugles, feathers, and her turban, looked excessively like a
+Chinese pagoda upon a saucer.  The rooms were crowded to suffocation--the
+noise awful--and the company crushing and elbowing rather a little more
+than you expect where the moiety are of the softer sex.  However, "on
+s'habitue a tout," sayeth the proverb, and with truth, for we all so
+perfectly fell in with the habits of the place, that ere half an hour,
+we squeezed, ogled, leered, and drank champagne like the rest of the
+corporation.
+
+"Devilish hot work, this," said the colonel, as he passed me with two
+rosy-cheeked, smiling ladies on either arm; "the mayor--that little
+fellow in the punch-coloured shorts--has very nearly put me hors de
+combat with champagne; take care of him, I advise you."
+
+Tipsy as I felt myself, I was yet sufficiently clear to be fully alive
+to the drollery of the scene before me.  Flirtations that, under other
+circumstances, would demand the secrecy and solitude of a country green
+lane, or some garden bower, were here conducted in all the open
+effrontery of wax lights and lustres; looks were interchanged, hands
+were squeezed, and soft things whispered, and smiles returned; till
+the intoxication of "punch negus" and spiced port, gave way to the far
+greater one of bright looks and tender glances.  Quadrilles and country
+dances--waltzing there was none, (perhaps all for the best)--whist,
+backgammon, loo--unlimited for uproar--sandwiches, and warm liquors,
+employed us pretty briskly till supper was announced, when a grand
+squeeze took place on the stairs--the population tending thitherward with
+an eagerness that a previous starvation of twenty-four hours could alone
+justify.  Among this dense mass of moving muslin, velvet and broad-cloth,
+I found myself chaperoning an extremely tempting little damsel, with a
+pair of laughing blue eyes and dark eyelashes, who had been committed to
+my care and guidance for the passage.
+
+"Miss Moriarty, Mr. Lorrequer," said an old lady in green and spangles,
+who I afterwards found was the lady mayoress.
+
+"The nicest girl in the room," said a gentleman with a Tipperary accent,
+"and has a mighty nice place near Athlone."
+
+The hint was not lost upon me, and I speedily began to faire l'amiable to
+my charge; and before we reached the supper room, learned certain
+particulars of her history, which I have not yet forgot.  She was, it
+seems, sister to a lady then in the room, the wife of an attorney, who
+rejoiced in the pleasing and classical appellation of Mr. Mark Anthony
+Fitzpatrick; the aforesaid Mark Anthony being a tall, raw-boned,
+black-whiskered, ill-looking dog, that from time to time contrived to
+throw very uncomfortable looking glances at me and Mary Anne, for she was
+so named, the whole time of supper.  After a few minutes, however, I
+totally forgot him, and, indeed, every thing else, in the fascination of
+my fair companion.  She shared her chair with me, upon which I supported
+her by my arm passed round the back; we eat our pickled salmon, jelly,
+blanc mange, cold chicken, ham, and custard; off the same plate, with an
+occasional squeeze of the finger, as our hands met--her eyes making sad
+havoc with me all the while, as I poured my tale of love--love, lasting,
+burning, all-consuming--into her not unwilling ear.
+
+"Ah! now, ye'r not in earnest?"
+
+"Yes, Mary Anne, by all that's"--
+
+"Well, there now, don't swear, and take care--sure Mark Anthony is
+looking."
+
+"Mark Anthony be--"
+
+"Oh! how passionate you are; I'm sure I never could live easy with you.
+There, now, give me some sponge cake, and don't be squeezing me, or
+they'll see you."
+
+"Yes, to my heart, dearest girl."
+
+"Och, it's cheese you're giving me," said she, with a grimace that nearly
+cured my passion.
+
+"A cottage, a hut, with you--with you," said I, in a cadence that I defy
+Macready to rival--"what is worldly splendour, or the empty glitter of
+rank."
+
+I here glanced at my epaulettes, upon which I saw her eyes rivetted.
+
+"Isn't the ginger beer beautiful," said she, emptying a glass of
+champagne.
+
+Still I was not to be roused from my trance, and continued my courtship
+as warmly as ever.
+
+"I suppose you'll come home now," said a gruff voice behind Mary Anne.
+
+I turned and perceived Mark Anthony with a grim look of peculiar import.
+
+"Oh, Mark dear, I'm engaged to dance another set with this gentleman."
+
+"Ye are, are ye?" replied Mark, eyeing me askance.  "Troth and I think
+the gentleman would be better if he went off to his flea-bag himself."
+
+In my then mystified intellect this west country synonyme for a bed a
+little puzzled me.
+
+"Yes sir, the lady is engaged to me: have you any thing to say to that?"
+
+"Nothing at present, at all," said Mark, almost timidly.
+
+"Oh dear, oh dear," sobbed Mary Anne; "they're going to fight, and he'll
+be killed--I know he will."
+
+For which of us this fate was destined, I stopped not to consider, but
+amid a very sufficient patting upon the back, and thumping between the
+shoulders, bestowed by members of the company who approved of my
+proceedings.  The three fiddles, the flute, and bassoon, that formed our
+band, being by this time sufficiently drunk, played after a fashion of
+their own, which by one of those strange sympathies of our nature,
+imparted its influence to our legs, and a country dance was performed in
+a style of free and easy gesticulation that defies description.  At the
+end of eighteen couple, tired of my exertions--and they were not slight
+--I leaned my back against the wall of the room, which I now, for the
+first time, perceived was covered with a very peculiar and novel species
+of hanging--no less than a kind of rough, green baize cloth, that moved
+and floated at every motion of the air.  I paid little attention to this,
+till suddenly turning my head, something gave way behind it.  I felt
+myself struck upon the back of the neck, and fell forward into the room,
+covered by a perfect avalanche of fenders, fire-irons, frying-pans, and
+copper kettles, mingled with the lesser artillery of small nails, door
+keys, and holdfasts.  There I lay amid the most vociferous mirth I ever
+listened to, under the confounded torrent of ironmongery that
+half-stunned me.  The laughter over, I was assisted to rise, and having
+drank about a pint of vinegar, and had my face and temples washed in
+strong whiskey punch--the allocation of the fluids being mistaken, I
+learned that our host, the high sheriff, was a celebrated tin and iron
+man, and that his salles de reception were no other than his magazine of
+metals, and that to conceal the well filled shelves from the gaze of his
+aristocratic guests, they were clothed in the manner related; which my
+unhappy head, by some misfortune, displaced, and thus brought on a
+calamity scarcely less afflicting to him than to myself.  I should
+scarcely have stopped to mention this here, were it not that Mary Anne's
+gentle nursing of me in my misery went far to complete what her
+fascination had begun; and although she could not help laughing at the
+occurrence, I forgave her readily for her kindness.
+
+"Remember," said I, trying to ogle through a black eye, painted by the
+angle of a register grate--"remember, Mary Anne, I am to see you home."
+
+"Oh! dear, sir, sure I don't know how you can manage it--"
+
+Here Mark Anthony's entrance cut short this speech, for he came to
+declare that some of the officers had taken his coach, and was, as might
+be supposed, in a towering passion.
+
+"If, sir," said I, with an air of the most balmy courtesy--"If I can be
+of any use in assisting you to see your friends home--"
+
+"Ah! then, ye'r a nice looking article to see ladies home.  I wish you
+seen yourself this minute," said he.
+
+As I felt it would be no breach of the unities--time, place, and every
+thing considered--to smash his skull, I should certainly have proceeded
+to do so, had not a look of the most imploring kind from Mary Anne
+restrained me.  By this time, he had taken her under the arm, and was
+leading her away.  I stood irresolute, till a glance from my charmer
+caught me; when I rallied at once, and followed them down stairs.  Here
+the scene was the full as amusing as above; the cloaking, shawling,
+shoeing, &c., of the ladies being certainly as mirth-moving a process
+as I should wish to see.  Here were mothers trying to collect their
+daughters, as a hen her chickens, and as in that case, the pursuit of one
+usually lost all the others; testy papas swearing, lovers leering, as
+they twisted the boas round the fair throats of their sweethearts; vows
+of love, mingling with lamentations for a lost slipper, or a stray
+mantle.  Sometimes the candles were extinguished, and the melee became
+greater, till the order and light were restored together.  Meanwhile,
+each of our fellows had secured his fair one, save myself, and I was
+exposed to no small ridicule for my want of savoir faire.  Nettled at
+this, I made a plunge to the corner of the room, where Mary Anne was
+shawling; I recognized her pink sash, threw her cloak over her shoulders,
+and at the very moment that Mark Anthony drew his wife's arm within his,
+I performed the same by my friend, and followed them to the door.  Here,
+the grim brother-in-law turned round to take Mary Anne's arm, and seeing
+her with me, merely gave a kind of hoarse chuckle, and muttered, "Very
+well, sir: upon my conscience you will have it, I see."  During this
+brief interval, so occupied was I in watching him, that I never once
+looked in my fair friend's face; but the gentle squeeze of her arm, as
+she leaned upon me, assured me that I had her approval of what I was
+doing.
+
+What were the precise train of my thoughts, and what the subjects of
+conversation between us, I am unfortunately now unable to recollect.
+It is sufficient to remember, that I could not believe five minutes had
+elapsed, when we arrived at York-street.  "Then you confess you love me,"
+said I, as I squeezed her arm to my side.
+
+"Then, by this kiss," said I, "I swear, never to relinquish."--
+
+What I was about to add, I am sure I know not; but true it is, that a
+certain smacking noise here attracted Mr. Mark Anthony's attention, who
+started round, looked as full in the face, and then gravely added,
+"Enough is as good as a feast.  I wish you pleasant drames, Mr. Larry
+Kar, if that's your name; and you'll hear from me in the morning."
+
+"I intend it," said I.  "Good night, dearest; think of--"  The slam of
+the street door in my face spoiled the peroration, and I turned towards
+home.
+
+By the time I reached the barracks, the united effects of the champagne,
+sherry, and Sheffield iron, had, in a good measure subsided, and my head
+had become sufficiently clear to permit a slight retrospect of the
+evening's amusement.
+
+From two illusions I was at least awakened:--First, the high sheriff's
+ball was not the most accurate representation of high society; secondly,
+I was not deeply enamoured of Mary Anne Moriarty.  Strange as it may
+seem, and how little soever the apparent connexion between those two
+facts, the truth of one had a considerable influence in deciding the
+other.  N'importe, said I, the thing is over; it was rather good fun,
+too, upon the whole--saving the "chute des casseroles;" and as to the
+lady, she must have seen it was a joke as well as myself.  At least, so I
+am decided it shall be; and as there was no witness to our conversation,
+the thing is easily got out of.
+
+The following day, as I was dressing to ride out, my servant announced no
+less a person than Mr. Mark Anthony Fitzpatrick, who said "that he came
+upon a little business, and must see me immediately."
+
+Mr. Fitzpatrick, upon being announced, speedily opened his negociation by
+asking in very terse and unequivocal phrase, my intentions regarding his
+sister-in-law.  After professing the most perfect astonishment at the
+question, and its possible import, I replied, that she was a most
+charming person, with whom I intended to have nothing whatever to do.
+
+"And maybe you never proposed for her at the ball last night?"
+
+"Propose for a lady at a ball the first time I ever met her!"
+
+"Just so.  Can you carry your memory so far back? or, perhaps I had
+better refresh it;" and he here repeated the whole substance of my
+conversation on the way homeward, sometimes in the very words I used.
+
+"But, my dear sir, the young lady could never have supposed I used such
+language as this you have repeated?"
+
+"So, then, you intend to break off?  Well, then, it's right to tell you
+that you're in a very ugly scrape, for it was my wife you took home last
+night--not Miss Moriarty; and I leave you to choose at your leisure
+whether you'd rather be defendant in a suit for breach of promise or
+seduction; and, upon my conscience, I think it's civil in me to give you
+a choice."
+
+What a pretty disclosure was here!  So that while I was imaging myself
+squeezing the hand and winning the heart of the fair Mary Anne, I was
+merely making a case of strong evidence for a jury, that might expose me
+to the world, and half ruin me in damages.  There was but one course
+open--to make a fight for it; and, from what I saw of my friend Mark
+Anthony, this did not seem difficult.
+
+I accordingly assumed a high tone--laughed at the entire affair--said it
+was a "way we had in the army"--that "we never meant any thing by it,"
+&c. &c.
+
+In a few minutes I perceived the bait was taking.  Mr. Fitzpatrick's west
+country blood was up: all thought of the legal resource was abandoned;
+and he flung out of the room to find a friend, I having given him the
+name of "one of ours" as mine upon the occasion.
+
+Very little time was lost, for before three o'clock that afternoon a
+meeting was fixed for the following morning at the North Bull; and I had
+the satisfaction of hearing that I only escaped the malignant eloquence
+of Holmes in the King's Bench, to be "blazed" at by the best shot on the
+western circuit.  The thought was no way agreeable, and I indemnified
+myself for the scrape by a very satisfactory anathema upon the high
+sheriff and his ball, and his confounded saucepans; for to the lady's
+sympathy for my sufferings I attributed much of my folly.
+
+At eight the next morning I found myself standing with Curzon and the
+doctor upon that bleak portion of her majesty's dominion they term the
+North Bull, waiting in a chilly rain, and a raw fog, till it pleased Mark
+Anthony Fitzpatrick, to come and shoot me--such being the precise terms
+of our combat, in the opinion of all parties.
+
+The time, however, passed on, and half-past eight, three quarters, and at
+last nine o'clock, without his appearing; when, just as Curzon had
+resolved upon our leaving the ground, a hack jaunting-car was seen
+driving at full speed along the road near us.  It came nearer and at
+length drew up; two men leaped off and came towards us; one of whom, as
+he came forward, took off his hat politely, and introduced himself as Mr.
+O'Gorman, the fighting friend of Mark Anthony.
+
+"It's a mighty unpleasant business I'm come upon, gentlemen," said he,
+"Mr. Fitzpatrick has been unavoidedly prevented from having the happiness
+to meet you this morning--"
+
+"Then you can't expect us, sir, to dance attendance upon him here
+to-morrow," said Curzon, interrupting.
+
+"By no manner of means," replied the other, placidly; "for it would be
+equally inconvenient for him to be here then.  But I have only to say,
+maybe you'd have the kindness to waive all etiquette, and let me stand in
+his place."
+
+"Certainly and decidedly not," said Curzon.  "Waive etiquette!--why, sir,
+we have no quarrel with you; never saw you before."
+
+"Well, now, isn't this hard?" said Mr. O'Gorman, addressing his friend,
+who stood by with a pistol-case under his arm; "but I told Mark that I
+was sure they'd be standing upon punctilio, for they were English.  Well,
+sir," said he, turning towards Curzon, "there's but one way to arrange it
+now, that I see.  Mr. Fitzpatrick, you must know, was arrested this
+morning for a trifle of L140.  If you or your friend there, will join us
+in the bail we can get him out, and he'll fight you in the morning to
+your satisfaction."
+
+When the astonishment this proposal had created subsided, we assured
+Mr. O'Gorman that we were noways disposed to pay such a price for our
+amusement--a fact that seemed considerably to surprise both him and his
+friend--and adding, that to Mr. Fitzpatrick personally, we should feel
+bound to hold ourselves pledged at a future period, we left the ground,
+Curzon laughing heartily at the original expedient thus suggested, and I
+inwardly pronounced a most glowing eulogy on the law of imprisonment for
+debt.
+
+Before Mr. Fitzpatrick obtained the benefit of the act, we were ordered
+abroad, and I have never since heard of him.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XL.
+
+THE TWO LETTERS.
+
+From the digression of the last chapter I was recalled by the sight of
+the two letters which lay during my reverie unopened before me.  I first
+broke the seal of Lady Callonby's epistle, which ran thus:
+
+     "Munich, La Croix Blanche,
+
+     "My dear Mr. Lorrequer--I have just heard from Kilkee, that you are
+     at length about to pay us your long promised visit, and write these
+     few lines to beg that before leaving Paris you will kindly execute
+     for me the commissions of which I enclose a formidable list, or at
+     least as many of them as you can conveniently accomplish.  Our stay
+     here now will be short, that it will require all your despatch to
+     overtake us before reaching Milan, Lady Jane's health requiring an
+     immediate change of climate.  Our present plans are, to winter in
+     Italy, although such will interfere considerably with Lord Callonby,
+     who is pressed much by his friends to accept office.  However, all
+     this and our other gossip I reserve for our meeting.  Meanwhile,
+     adieu, and if any of my tasks bore you, omit them at once, except
+     the white roses and the Brussels veil, which Lady Jane is most
+     anxious for.
+
+                                   "Sincerely yours,
+                                             "Charlotte Callonby."
+
+How much did these few and apparently common-place lines convey to me?
+First, my visit was not only expected, but actually looked forward to,
+canvassed--perhaps I might almost whisper to myself the flattery--wished
+for.  Again, Lady Jane's health was spoken of as precarious, less actual
+illness--I said to myself--than mere delicacy requiring the bluer sky and
+warmer airs of Italy.  Perhaps her spirits were affected--some mental
+malady--some ill-placed passion--que sais je?  In fact my brain run on
+so fast in its devisings, that by a quick process, less logical than
+pleasing, I satisfied myself that the lovely Lady Jane Callonby was
+actually in love, with whom let the reader guess at.  And Lord Callonby
+too, about to join the ministry--well, all the better to have one's
+father-in-law in power--promotion is so cursed slow now a-days.  And
+lastly, the sly allusion to the commissions--the mechancete of
+introducing her name to interest me.  With such materials as these to
+build upon, frail as they may seem to others, I found no difficulty in
+regarding myself as the dear friend of the family, and the acknowledged
+suitor of Lady Jane.
+
+In the midst, however, of all my self-gratulation, my eye fell upon the
+letter of Emily Bingham, and I suddenly remembered how fatal to all such
+happy anticipations it might prove.  I tore it open in passionate haste
+and read--
+
+     "My dear Mr. Lorrequer--As from the interview we have had this
+     morning I am inclined to believe that I have gained your affections,
+     I think that I should ill requite such a state of your feeling for
+     me, were I to conceal that I cannot return you mine--in fact they
+     are not mine to bestow.  This frank avowal, whatever pain it may
+     have cost me, I think I owe to you to make.  You will perhaps say,
+     the confession should have been earlier; to which I reply, it should
+     have been so, had I known, or even guessed at the nature of your
+     feelings for me.  For--and I write it in all truth, and perfect
+     respect for you--I only saw in your attentions the flirting habits
+     of a man of the world, with a very uninformed and ignorant girl of
+     eighteen, with whom as it was his amusement to travel, he deemed it
+     worth his while to talk.  I now see, and bitterly regret my error,
+     yet deem it better to make this painful confession than suffer you
+     to remain in a delusion which may involve your happiness in the
+     wreck of mine.  I am most faithfully your friend,
+
+                                        "Emily Bingham."
+
+What a charming girl she is, I cried, as I finished the letter; how full
+of true feeling, how honourably, how straight-forward: and yet it is
+devilish strange how cunningly she played her part--and it seems now that
+I never did touch her affections; Master Harry, I begin to fear you are
+not altogether the awful lady-killer you have been thinking.  Thus did I
+meditate upon this singular note--my delight at being once more "free"
+mingling with some chagrin that I was jockied, and by a young miss of
+eighteen, too.  Confoundedly disagreeable if the mess knew it, thought I.
+Per Baccho--how they would quiz upon my difficulty to break off a match,
+when the lady was only anxious to get rid of me.
+
+This affair must never come to their ears, or I am ruined; and now, the
+sooner all negociations are concluded the better.  I must obtain a
+meeting with Emily.  Acknowledge the truth and justice of all her views,
+express my deep regret at the issue of the affair, slily hint that I have
+been merely playing her own game back upon her; for it would be the devil
+to let her go off with the idea that she had singed me, yet never caught
+fire herself; so that we both shall draw stakes, and part friends.
+
+This valiant resolution taken, I wrote a very short note, begging an
+interview, and proceeded to make as formidable a toilet as I could for
+the forthcoming meeting; before I had concluded which, a verbal answer by
+her maid informed me, that "Miss Bingham was alone, and ready to receive
+me."
+
+As I took my way along the corridor, I could not help feeling that among
+all my singular scrapes and embarassing situations through life, my
+present mission was certainly not the least--the difficulty, such as it
+was, being considerably increased by my own confounded "amour propre,"
+that would not leave me satisfied with obtaining my liberty, if I could
+not insist upon coming off scathless also.  In fact, I was not content to
+evacuate the fortress, if I were not to march out with all the honours of
+war.  This feeling I neither attempt to palliate nor defend, I merely
+chronicle it as, are too many of these confessions, a matter of truth,
+yet not the less a subject for sorrow.
+
+My hand was upon the lock of the door.  I stopped, hesitated, and
+listened.  I certainly heard something.  Yes, it is too true--she is
+sobbing.  What a total overthrow to all my selfish resolves, all my
+egotistical plans, did that slight cadence give.  She was crying--her
+tears for the bitter pain she concluded I was suffering--mingling
+doubtless with sorrow for her own sources of grief--for it was clear to
+me that whoever may have been my favoured rival, the attachment was
+either unknown to, or unsanctioned by the mother.  I wished I had not
+listened; all my determinations were completely routed and as I opened
+the door I felt my heart beating almost audibly against my side.
+
+In a subdued half-light--tempered through the rose-coloured curtains,
+with a small sevres cup of newly-plucked moss-roses upon the table--sat,
+or rather leaned, Emily Bingham, her face buried in her hands as
+I entered.  She did not hear my approach, so that I had above a minute
+to admire the graceful character of her head, and the fine undulating
+curve of her neck and shoulders, before I spoke.
+
+"Miss Bingham," said I--
+
+She started--looked up--her dark blue eyes, brilliant though tearful,
+were fixed upon me for a second, as if searching my very inmost thoughts.
+She held out her hand, and turning her head aside, made room for me on
+the sofa beside her.  Strange girl, thought I, that in the very moment
+of breaking with a man for ever, puts on her most fascinating toilette
+--arrays herself in her most bewitching manner, and gives him a reception
+only calculated to turn his head, and render him ten times more in love
+than ever.  Her hand, which remained still in mine, was burning as if in
+fever, and the convulsive movement of her neck and shoulders showed me
+how much this meeting cost her.  We were both silent, till at length,
+feeling that any chance interruption might leave us as far as ever from
+understanding each other, I resolved to begin.
+
+"My dear, dear Emily," I said, "do not I entreat of you add to the misery
+I am this moment enduring by letting me see you thus.  Whatever your
+wrongs towards me, this is far too heavy a retribution.  My object was
+never to make you wretched, if I am not to obtain the bliss, to strive
+and make you happy."
+
+"Oh, Harry"--this was the first time she had ever so called me--"how like
+you, to think of me--of me, at such a time, as if I was not the cause of
+all our present unhappiness--but not wilfully, not intentionally.  Oh,
+no, no--your attentions--the flattery of your notice, took me at once,
+and, in the gratification of my self-esteem, I forgot all else.  I heard,
+too, that you were engaged to another, and believing, as I did, that you
+were trifling with my affections, I spared no effort to win your's.  I
+confess it, I wished this with all my soul."
+
+"And now," said I, "that you have gained them"--Here was a pretty sequel
+to my well matured plans!--"And now Emily"--
+
+"But have I really done so?" said she, hurriedly turning round and fixing
+her large full eyes upon me, while one of her hands played convulsively
+through my hair--"have I your heart? your whole heart?"
+
+"Can you doubt it, dearest," said I, passionately pressing her to my
+bosom; and at the same time muttering, "What the devil's in the wind now;
+we are surely not going to patch up our separation, and make love in
+earnest."
+
+There she lay, her head upon my shoulder, her long, brown, waving
+ringlets falling loosely across my face and on my bosom, her hand in
+mine.  What were her thoughts I cannot guess--mine, God forgive me, were
+a fervent wish either for her mother's appearance, or that the hotel
+would suddenly take fire, or some other extensive calamity arise to put
+the finishing stroke to this embarassing situation.
+
+None of these, however, were destined to occur; and Emily lay still and
+motionless as she was, scarce seeming to breathe, and pale as death.
+What can this mean, said I, surely this is not the usual way to treat
+with a rejected suitor; if it be, why then, by Jupiter the successful one
+must have rather the worst of it--and I fervently hope that Lady Jane be
+not at this moment giving his conge to some disappointed swain.  She
+slowly raised her long, black fringed eyelids, and looked into my face,
+with an expression at once so tender and so plaintive, that I felt a
+struggle within myself whether to press her to my heart, or--what the
+deuce was the alternative.  I hope my reader knows, for I really do not.
+And after all, thought I, if we are to marry, I am only anticipating a
+little; and if not, why then a "chaste salute," as Winifred Jenkins calls
+it, she'll be none the worse for.  Acting at once upon this resolve, I
+leaned downwards, and passing back her ringlets from her now flushed
+cheek, I was startled by my name, which I heard called several times in
+the corridor.  The door at the same instant was burst suddenly open, and
+Trevanion appeared.
+
+"Harry, Harry Lorrequer," cried he, as he entered; then suddenly checking
+himself, added "a thousand, ten thousand pardons.  But--"
+
+"But what," cried I passionately, forgetting all save the situation of
+poor Emily at the moment, "what can justify--"
+
+"Nothing certainly can justify such an intrusion," said Trevanion,
+finishing my sentence for me, "except the very near danger you run this
+moment in being arrested.  O'Leary's imprudence has compromised your
+safety, and you must leave Paris within an hour."
+
+"Oh, Mr. Trevanion," said Emily, who by this time had regained a more
+befitting attitude, "pray speak out; what is it? is Harry--is Mr.
+Lorrequer, I mean, in any danger?"
+
+"Nothing of consequence, Miss Bingham, if he only act with prudence, and
+be guided by his friends.  Lorrequer, you will find me in your apartments
+in half an hour--till then, adieu."
+
+While Emily poured forth question after question, as to the nature and
+extent of my present difficulty, I could not help thinking of the tact
+by which Trevanion escaped, leaving me to make my adieux to Emily as best
+I might--for I saw in a glance that I must leave Paris at once.
+I, therefore, briefly gave her to understand the affair at the salon
+--which I suspected to be the cause of the threatened arrest--and was
+about to profess my unaltered and unalterable attachment, when she
+suddenly stopped me.
+
+"No, Mr. Lorrequer, no.  All is over between us.  We must never meet
+again--never.  We have been both playing a part.  Good by--good by: do
+not altogether forget me--and once more, Harry good by."
+
+What I might have said, thought, or done, I know not; but the arrival of
+Mrs. Bingham's carriage at the door left no time for any thing but
+escape.  So, once more pressing her hand firmly to my lips, I said--"au
+revoir, Emily, au revoir, not good by," and rushing from the room,
+regained my own, just as Mrs. Bingham reached the corridor.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLI.
+
+MR. O'LEARY'S CAPTURE.
+
+Does she really care for me? was my first question to myself as I left
+the room.  Is this story about pre-engaged affections merely a got up
+thing, to try the force of my attachment for her? for, if not, her
+conduct is most inexplicable; and great as my experience has been in
+such affairs, I avow myself out maneuvered.  While I thought over this
+difficulty, Trevanion came up, and in a few words, informed me more fully
+upon what he hinted at before.  It appeared that O'Leary, much more alive
+to the imperative necessity of avoiding detection by his sposa, than of
+involving himself with the police, had thrown out most dark and
+mysterious hints in the hotel as to the reason of his residence at Paris;
+fully impressed with the idea that, to be a good Pole, he need only talk
+"revolutionary;" devote to the powers below, all kings, czars, and
+kaisers; weep over the wrongs of his nation; wear rather seedy
+habiliments, and smoke profusely.  The latter were with him easy
+conditions, and he so completely acted the former to the life, that he
+had been that morning arrested in the Tuilleries gardens, under several
+treasonable charges--among others, the conspiracy, with some of his
+compatriots to murder the minister of war.
+
+However laughable such an accusation against poor O'Leary, one
+circumstance rendered the matter any thing but ludicrous.  Although he
+must come off free of this grave offence, yet, the salon transaction
+would necessarily now become known; I should be immediately involved,
+and my departure from Paris prevented.
+
+"So," said Trevanion, as he briefly laid before me the difficulty of my
+position, "you may perceive that however strongly your affections may be
+engaged in a certain quarter, it is quite as well to think of leaving
+Paris without delay.  O'Leary's arrest will be followed by yours, depend
+upon it; and once under the surveillance of the police, escape is
+impossible."
+
+"But, seriously, Trevanion," said I, nettled at the tone of raillery he
+spoke in, "you must see that there is nothing whatever in that business.
+I was merely taking my farewell of the fair Emily.  Her affections have
+been long since engaged, and I--"
+
+"Only endeavouring to support her in her attachment to the more favoured
+rival.  Is it not so?"
+
+"Come, no quizzing.  Faith I began to feel very uncomfortable about
+parting with her, the moment that I discovered that I must do so."
+
+"So I guessed," said Trevanion, with a dry look, "from the interesting
+scene I so abruptly trespassed upon.  But you are right; a little bit of
+tendresse is never misplaced, so long as the object is young, pretty, and
+still more than all, disposed for it."
+
+"Quite out; perfectly mistaken, believe me.  Emily not only never cared
+for me; but she has gone far enough to tell me so."
+
+"Then, from all I know of such matters," replied he, "you were both in a
+very fair way to repair that mistake on her part.  But hark! what is
+this?"  A tremendous noise in the street here interrupted our colloquy,
+and on opening the window, a strange scene presented itself to our eyes.
+In the middle of a dense mass of moving rabble, shouting, yelling, and
+screaming, with all their might, were two gens d'armes with a prisoner
+between them.  The unhappy man was followed by a rather well-dressed,
+middle-aged looking woman, who appeared to be desirous of bestowing the
+most covam publico endearments upon the culprit, whom a second glance
+showed us was O'Leary.
+
+"I tell you, my dear madam, you are mistaken," said O'Leary, addressing
+her with great sternness of manner and voice.
+
+"Mistaken! Never, never.  How could I ever be mistaken in that dear
+voice, those lovely eyes, that sweet little nose?"
+
+"Take her away; she's deranged," said O'Leary to the gens d'armes.
+"Sure, if I'm a Pole, that's enough of misfortune."
+
+"I'll follow him to the end of the earth, I will."
+
+"I'm going to the galleys, God be praised," said O'Leary.
+
+"To the galleys--to the guillotine--any where," responded she, throwing
+herself upon his neck, much less, as it seemed, to his gratification,
+than that of the mob, who laughed and shouted most uproariously.
+
+"Mrs. Ram, ain't you ashamed?"
+
+"He calls me by my name," said she, "and he attempts to disown me.  Ha!
+ha! ha! ha!" and immediately fell off into a strong paroxysm of kicking,
+and pinching, and punching the bystanders, a malady well known under the
+name of hysterics; but being little more than a privileged mode, among
+certain ladies, of paying off some scores, which it is not thought decent
+to do in their more sober moments.
+
+"Lead me away--anywhere--convict me of what you like," said he, "but
+don't let her follow me."
+
+The gens d'armes, who little comprehended the nature of the scene before
+them, were not sorry to anticipate a renewal of it on Mrs. Ram's
+recovery, and accordingly seized the opportunity to march on with
+O'Leary, who turned the corner of the Rue Rivoli, under a shower of
+"meurtriers" and "scelerats" from the mob, that fell fortunately most
+unconsciously upon his ears.
+
+The possibility of figuring in such a procession contributed much to the
+force of Trevanion's reasonings, and I resolved to leave Paris at once.
+
+"Promise me, then, to involve yourself in no more scrapes for
+half-an-hour.  Pack every thing you shall want with you, and, by seven
+o'clock, I shall be here with your passport and all ready for a start."
+
+With a beating brain, and in a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts, I threw
+my clothes hither and thither into my trunk; Lady Jane and Emily both
+flitting every instant before my imagination, and frequently an
+irresolution to proceed stopping all my preparations for departure, I sat
+down musing upon a chair, and half determined to stay where I was, coute
+qui coute.  Finally, the possibility of exposure in a trial, had its
+weight.  I continued my occupation till the last coat was folded, and the
+lock turned, when I seated myself opposite my luggage, and waited
+impatiently for my friend's return.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, v6
+
+[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)]
+
+
+Dublin
+
+MDCCCXXXIX.
+
+
+
+Volume 6. (Chapter XLII-LV)
+
+
+
+Contents:
+
+CHAPTER XLII.
+The Journey
+
+CHAPTER XLIII.
+The Journey
+
+CHAPTER XLIV.
+A Reminscence of the East
+
+CHAPTER XLV.
+A Day in the Phoenix
+
+CHAPTER XLVI.
+An Adventure in Canada
+
+CHAPTER XLVII.
+The Courier's Passport
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII.
+A Night in Strasbourg
+
+CHAPTER XLIX.
+A Surprise
+
+CHAPTER L.
+Jack Waller's Story
+
+CHAPTER LI.
+Munich
+
+CHAPTER LII.
+Inn at Munich
+
+CHAPTER LIII.
+The Ball
+
+CHAPTER LIV.
+A Discovery
+
+CHAPTER LV.
+Conclusion
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLII.
+
+THE JOURNEY.
+
+Trevanion came at last.  He had obtained my passport, and engaged a
+carriage to convey me about eight miles, where I should overtake the
+diligence--such a mode of travelling being judged more likely to favour
+my escape, by attracting less attention than posting.  It was past ten
+when I left the Rue St. Honore, having shaken hands with Trevanion for
+the last time, and charged him with ten thousand soft messages for the
+"friends" I left behind me.
+
+When I arrived at the village of St. Jacques, the diligence had not come
+up.  To pass away the time, I ordered a little supper and a bottle of St.
+Julien.  Scarcely had I seated myself to my "cotelette," when the rapid
+whirl of wheels was heard without, and a cab drew up suddenly at the
+door.  So naturally does the fugitive suspect pursuit, that my immediate
+impression was, that I was followed.  In this notion I was strengthened
+by the tones of a cracked, discordant voice, asking in very peculiar
+French if the "diligence had passed?"  Being answered in the negative he
+walked into the room where I was, and speedily by his appearance, removed
+any apprehensions I had felt as to my safety.  Nothing could less
+resemble the tall port and sturdy bearing of a gendarme, than the
+diminutive and dwarfish individual before me.  His height could scarcely
+have reached five feet, of which the head formed fully a fourth part; and
+even this was rendered in appearance still greater by a mass of loosely
+floating black hair that fell upon his neck and shoulders, and gave him
+much the air of a "black lion" on a sign board.  His black frock,
+fur-collared and braided--his ill-made boots, his meerschaum projecting
+from his breast-pocket, above all, his unwashed hands, and a heavy gold
+ring upon his thumb--all made up an ensemble of evidences that showed he
+could be nothing but a German.  His manner was bustling, impatient, and
+had it not been ludicrous, would certainly be considered as insolent to
+every one about him, for he stared each person abruptly in the face, and
+mumbled some broken expressions of his opinion of them half-aloud in
+German.  His comments ran on:--"Bon soir, Monsieur," to the host: "Ein
+boesewicht, ganz sicher"--"a scoundrel without doubt;" and then added,
+still lower, "Rob you here as soon as look at you."  "Ah, postillion!
+comment va?"--"much more like a brigand after all--I know which I'd take
+you for."  "Ver fluchte fraw"--"how ugly the woman is."  This compliment
+was intended for the hostess, who curtsied down to the ground in her
+ignorance.  At last approaching me, he stopped, and having steadily
+surveyed me, muttered, "Ein echter Englander"--"a thorough Englishman,
+always eating."  I could not resist the temptation to assure him that I
+was perfectly aware of his flattering impression in my behalf, though I
+had speedily to regret my precipitancy, for, less mindful of the rebuke
+than pleased at finding some one who understood German, he drew his chair
+beside me and entered into conversation.
+
+Every one has surely felt, some time or other in life, the insufferable
+annoyance of having his thoughts and reflections interfered with, and
+broken in upon by the vulgar impertinence and egotism of some "bore,"
+who, mistaking your abstraction for attention and your despair for
+delight, inflicts upon you his whole life and adventures, when your own
+immediate destinies are perhaps vacillating in the scale.
+
+Such a doom was now mine!  Occupied as I was by the hope of the future,
+and my fears lest any impediment to my escape should blast my prospects
+for ever, I preferred appearing to pay attention to this confounded
+fellow's "personal narrative" lest his questions, turning on my own
+affairs, might excite suspicions as to the reasons of my journey.
+
+I longed most ardently for the arrival of the diligence, trusting that
+with true German thrift, by friend might prefer the cheapness of the
+"interieure" to the magnificence of the "coupe," and that thus I should
+see no more of him.  But in this pleasing hope I was destined to be
+disappointed, for I was scarcely seated in my place when I found him
+beside me.  The third occupant of this "privileged den," as well as my
+lamp-light survey of him permitted, afforded nothing to build on as a
+compensation for the German.  He was a tall, lanky, lantern-jawed man,
+with a hook nose and projecting chin; his hair, which had only been
+permitted to grow very lately, formed that curve upon his forehead we
+see in certain old fashioned horse-shoe wigs; his compressed lip and
+hard features gave the expression of one who had seen a good deal of the
+world, and didn't think the better of it in consequence.  I observed that
+he listened to the few words we spoke while getting in with some
+attention, and then, like a person who did not comprehend the language,
+turned his shoulder towards us, and soon fell asleep.  I was now left to
+the "tender mercies" of my talkative companion, who certainly spared me
+not.  Notwithstanding my vigorous resolves to turn a deaf ear to his
+narratives, I could not avoid learning that he was the director of music
+to some German prince--that he had been to Paris to bring out an opera
+which having, as he said, a "success pyramidal," he was about to repeat in
+Strasbourg.  He further informed me that a depute from Alsace had
+obtained for him a government permission to travel with the courier; but
+that he being "social" withal, and no ways proud, preferred the democracy
+of the diligence to the solitary grandeur of the caleche, (for which
+heaven confound him,) and thus became my present companion.
+
+Music, in all its shapes and forms made up the staple of the little
+man's talk.  There was scarcely an opera or an overture, from Mozart to
+Donizetti, that he did not insist upon singing a scene from; and wound up
+all by a very pathetic lamentation over English insensibility to music,
+which he in great part attributed to our having only one opera, which he
+kindly informed me was "Bob et Joan."  However indisposed to check the
+current of his loquacity by any effort of mine, I could not avoid the
+temptation to translate for him a story which Sir Walter Scott once
+related to me, and was so far apropos, as conveying my own sense of the
+merits of our national music, such as we have it, by its association with
+scenes, and persons, and places we are all familiar with, however
+unintelligible to the ear of a stranger.
+
+A young French viscomte was fortunate enough to obtain in marriage the
+hand of a singularly pretty Scotch heiress of an old family and good
+fortune, who, amongst her other endowments, possessed a large
+old-fashioned house in a remote district of the highlands, where her
+ancestors had resided for centuries.  Thither the young couple repaired
+to pass their honeymoon; the enamoured bridegroom gladly availing himself
+of the opportunity to ingratiate himself with his new connexion, by
+adopting the seclusion he saw practised by the English on such occasions.
+However consonant to our notions of happiness, and however conducive to
+our enjoyment this custom be--and I have strong doubts upon the subject
+--it certainly prospered ill with the volatile Frenchman, who pined for
+Paris, its cafes, its boulevards, its maisons de jeu, and its soirees.
+His days were passed in looking from the deep and narrow windows of some
+oak-framed room upon the bare and heath-clad moors, or watching the
+cloud's shadows as they passed across the dark pine trees that closed the
+distance.
+
+Ennuyee to death, and convinced that he had sacrificed enough and more
+than enough to the barbarism which demanded such a "sejour," he was
+sitting one evening listlessly upon the terrace in front of the house,
+plotting a speedy escape from his gloomy abode, and meditating upon the
+life of pleasure that awaited him, when the discordant twang of some
+savage music broke upon his ear, and roused him from his reverie. The
+wild scream and fitful burst of a highland pibroch is certainly not the
+most likely thing in nature to allay the irritable and ruffled feelings
+of an irascible person--unless, perhaps, the hearer eschew breeches.  So
+thought the viscomte.  He started hurriedly up, and straight before him,
+upon the gravel-walk, beheld the stalwart figure and bony frame of an old
+highlander, blowing, with all his lungs, the "Gathering of the clans."
+With all the speed he could muster, he rushed into the house, and,
+calling his servants, ordered them to expel the intruder, and drive him
+at once outside the demesne.  When the mandate was made known to the old
+piper, it was with the greatest difficulty he could be brought to
+comprehend it--for, time out of mind, his approach had been hailed
+with every demonstration of rejoicing; and now--but no; the thing was
+impossible--there must be a mistake somewhere.  He was accordingly about
+to recommence, when a second and stronger hint suggested to him that it
+were safer to depart.  "Maybe the 'carl' did na like the pipes," said the
+highlander musingly, as he packed them up for his march.  "Maybe he did
+na like me;" "perhaps, too, he was na in the humour of music."  He paused
+for an instant as if reflecting--not satisfied, probably, that he had hit
+upon the true solution--when suddenly his eye brightened, his lips
+curled, and fixing a look upon the angry Frenchman, he said--"Maybe ye
+are right enow--ye heard them ower muckle in Waterloo to like the skirl
+o' them ever since;" with which satisfactory explanation, made in no
+spirit of bitterness or raillery, but in the simple belief that he had
+at last hit the mark of the viscomte's antipathy, the old man gathered
+up his plaid and departed.
+
+However disposed I might have felt towards sleep, the little German
+resolved I should not obtain any, for when for half an hour together I
+would preserve a rigid silence, he, nowise daunted, had recourse to some
+German "lied," which he gave forth with an energy of voice and manner
+that must have aroused every sleeper in the diligence: so that, fain to
+avoid this, I did my best to keep him on the subject of his adventures,
+which, as a man of successful gallantry, were manifold indeed.  Wearying
+at last, even of this subordinate part, I fell into a kind of half doze.
+The words of a student song he continued to sing without ceasing for
+above an hour--being the last waking thought on my memory.
+
+Less as a souvenir of the singer than a specimen of its class I give here
+a rough translation of the well-known Burschen melody called
+
+                           THE POPE
+
+               I.
+               The Pope, he leads a happy life,
+               He fears not married care, nor strife,
+               He drinks the best of Rhenish wine,
+               I would the Pope's gay lot were mine.
+
+               CHORUS.
+               He drinks the best of Rhenish wine.
+               I would the Pope's gay lot were mine.
+
+               II.
+               But then all happy's not his life,
+               He has not maid, nor blooming wife;
+               Nor child has he to raise his hope--
+               I would not wish to be the Pope.
+
+               III.
+               The Sultan better pleases me,
+               His is a life of jollity;
+               His wives are many as he will--
+               I would the Sultan's throne then fill.
+
+               IV.
+               But even he's a wretched man,
+               He must obey his Alcoran;
+               And dares not drink one drop of wine--
+               I would not change his lot for mine.
+
+               V.
+               So then I'll hold my lowly stand,
+               And live in German Vaterland;
+               I'll kiss my maiden fair and fine,
+               And drink the best of Rhenish wine.
+
+               VI.
+               Whene'er my maiden kisses me,
+               I'll think that I the Sultan be;
+               And when my cheery glass I tope,
+               I'll fancy then I am the Pope.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIII.
+
+THE JOURNEY.
+
+It was with a feeling of pleasure I cannot explain, that I awoke in the
+morning, and found myself upon the road.  The turmoil, the bustle, the
+never-ending difficulties of my late life in Paris had so over-excited
+and worried me, that I could neither think nor reflect.  Now all these
+cares and troubles were behind me, and I felt like a liberated prisoner
+as I looked upon the grey dawn of the coming day, as it gradually melted
+from its dull and leaden tint to the pink and yellow hue of the rising
+sun.  The broad and richly-coloured plains of "la belle France" were
+before me--and it is "la belle France," however inferior to parts of
+England in rural beauty--the large tracts of waving yellow corn,
+undulating like a sea in the morning breeze--the interminable reaches of
+forest, upon which the shadows played and flitted, deepening the effect
+and mellowing the mass, as we see them in Ruysdael's pictures--while now
+and then some tall-gabled, antiquated chateau, with its mutilated terrace
+and dowager-like air of bye-gone grandeur, would peep forth at the end of
+some long avenue of lime trees, all having their own features of
+beauty--and a beauty with which every object around harmonizes well.
+The sluggish peasant, in his blouse and striped night-cap--the heavily
+caparisoned horse, shaking his head amidst a Babel-tower of gaudy worsted
+tassels and brass bells--the deeply laden waggon, creeping slowly
+along--are all in keeping with a scene, where the very mist that rises
+from the valley seems indolent and lazy, and unwilling to impart the rich
+perfume of verdure with which it is loaded.  Every land has its own
+peculiar character of beauty.  The glaciered mountain, the Alpine peak,
+the dashing cataract of Switzerland and the Tyrol, are not finer in their
+way than the long flat moorlands of a Flemish landscape, with its clump
+of stunted willows cloistering over some limpid brook, in which the oxen
+are standing for shelter from the noon-day heat--while, lower down, some
+rude water-wheel is mingling its sounds with the summer bees and the
+merry voices of the miller and his companions.  So strayed my thoughts as
+the German shook me by the arm, and asked if "I were not ready for my
+breakfast?"  Luckily to this question there is rarely but the one answer.
+Who is not ready for his breakfast when on the road?  How delightful, if
+on the continent, to escape from the narrow limits of the dungeon-like
+diligence, where you sit with your knees next your collar-bone, fainting
+with heat and suffocated by dust, and find yourself suddenly beside the
+tempting "plats" of a little French dejeune, with its cutlets, its fried
+fish, its poulet, its salad, and its little entre of fruit, tempered with
+a not despicable bottle of Beaune.  If in England, the exchange is nearly
+as grateful--for though our travelling be better, and our equipage less
+"genante," still it is no small alterative from the stage-coach to the
+inn parlour, redolent of aromatic black tea, eggs, and hot toast, with a
+hospitable side-board of red, raw surloins, and York hams, that would
+made a Jew's mouth water.  While, in America, the change is greatest of
+all, as any one can vouch for who has been suddenly emancipated from the
+stove-heat of a "nine-inside" leathern "conveniency," bumping ten miles
+an hour over a corduroy road, the company smoking, if not worse; to the
+ample display of luxurious viands displayed upon the breakfast-table,
+where, what with buffalo steaks, pumpkin pie, gin cock-tail, and other
+aristocratically called temptations, he must be indeed fastidious who
+cannot employ his half-hour.  Pity it is, when there is so much good to
+eat, that people will not partake of it like civilized beings, and with
+that air of cheerful thankfulness that all other nations more or less
+express when enjoying the earth's bounties.  But true it is, that there
+is a spirit of discontent in the Yankee, that seems to accept of benefits
+with a tone of dissatisfaction, if not distrust.  I once made this remark
+to an excellent friend of mine now no more, who, however, would not
+permit of my attributing this feature to the Americans exclusively,
+adding, "Where have you more of this than in Ireland? and surely you
+would not call the Irish ungrateful?"  He illustrated his first remark by
+the following short anecdote:--
+
+The rector of the parish my friend lived in was a man who added to the
+income he derived from his living a very handsome private fortune, which
+he devoted entirely to the benefit of the poor around him.  Among the
+objects of his bounty one old woman--a childless widow, was remarkably
+distinguished.  Whether commiserating her utter helplessness or her
+complete isolation, he went farther to relieve her than to many, if not
+all, the other poor.  She frequently was in the habit of pleading her
+poverty as a reason for not appearing in church among her neighbours;
+and he gladly seized an opportunity of so improving her condition, that
+on this score at least no impediment existed.  When all his little plans
+for her comfort had been carried into execution, he took the opportunity
+one day of dropping in, as if accidentally, to speak to her.  By degrees
+he led the subject to her changed condition in life--the alteration from
+a cold, damp, smoky hovel, to a warm, clean, slated house--the cheerful
+garden before the door that replaced the mud-heap and the duck-pool--and
+all the other happy changes which a few weeks had effected.  And he then
+asked, did she not feel grateful to a bountiful Providence that had
+showered down so many blessings upon her head?
+
+"Ah, troth, its thrue for yer honour, I am grateful," she replied, in a
+whining discordant tone, which astonished the worthy parson.
+
+"Of course you are, my good woman, of course you are--but I mean to say,
+don't you feel that every moment you live is too short to express your
+thankfulness to this kind Providence for what he has done?"
+
+"Ah, darlin', it's all thrue, he's very good, he's mighty kind, so he
+is."
+
+"Why then, not acknowledge it in a different manner?" said the parson,
+with some heat--"has he not housed you, and fed you, and clothed you?"
+
+"Yes, alanah, he done it all."
+
+"Well, where is your gratitude for all these mercies?"
+
+"Ah, sure if he did," said the old crone, roused at length by the
+importunity of the questioner--"sure if he did, doesn't he take it
+out o' me in the corns?"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIV.
+
+A REMINISCENCE OF THE EAST.
+
+The breakfast-table assembled around it the three generations of men who
+issued from the three subdivisions of the diligence, and presented that
+motley and mixed assemblage of ranks, ages, and countries, which forms
+so very amusing a part of a traveller's experience.
+
+First came the "haute aristocratie" of the coupe, then the middle class
+of the interieure, and lastly, the tiers etat of the rotonde, with its
+melange of Jew money-lenders, under-officers and their wives, a Norman
+nurse with a high cap and a red jupe; while, to close the procession, a
+German student descended from the roof, with a beard, a blouse, and a
+meerschaum.  Of such materials was our party made up; and yet, differing
+in all our objects and interests, we speedily amalgamated into a very
+social state of intimacy, and chatted away over our breakfast with much
+good humour and gaiety.  Each person of the number seeming pleased at the
+momentary opportunity of finding a new listener, save my tall companion
+of the coupe.  He preserved a dogged silence, unbroken by even a chance
+expression to the waiter, who observed his wants and supplied them by a
+species of quick instinct, evidently acquired by practice.  As I could
+not help feeling somewhat interested about the hermit-like attachment he
+evinced for solitude, I watched him narrowly for some time, and at length
+as the "roti" made its appearance before him, after he had helped himself
+and tasted it, he caught my eye fixed upon him, and looking at me
+intently for a few seconds, he seemed to be satisfied in some passing
+doubt he laboured under, as he said with a most peculiar shake of the
+head--"No mangez, no mangez cela."
+
+"Ah," said I, detecting in my friend's French his English origin, "you
+are an Englishman I find."
+
+"The devil a doubt of it, darlin'," said he half testily.
+
+"An Irishman, too--still better," said I.
+
+"Why then isn't it strange that my French always shows me to be English,
+and my English proves me Irish?  It's lucky for me there's no going
+farther any how."
+
+Delighted to have thus fallen upon a "character," as the Irishman
+evidently appeared, I moved my chair towards his; and finding, however,
+he was not half pleased at the manner in which my acquaintance had been
+made with him, and knowing his country's susceptibility of being taken by
+a story, I resolved to make my advances by narrating a circumstance which
+had once befallen me in my early life.
+
+Our countrymen, English and Irish, travel so much now a days, that one
+ought never to feel surprised at finding them anywhere.  The instance I
+am about to relate will verify to a certain extent the fact, by showing
+that no situation is too odd or too unlikely to be within the verge of
+calculation.
+
+When the 10th foot, to which I then belonged, were at Corfu, I obtained
+with three other officers a short leave of absence, to make a hurried
+tour of the Morea, and taking a passing glance at Constantinople--in
+those days much less frequently visited by travellers than at present.
+
+After rambling pleasantly about for some weeks, we were about to return,
+when we determined that before sailing we should accept an invitation
+some officers of the "Dwarf" frigate, then stationed there, had given us,
+to pass a day at Pera, and pic-nic in the mountain.
+
+One fine bright morning was therefore selected--a most appetizing little
+dinner being carefully packed up--we set out, a party of fourteen, upon
+our excursion.
+
+The weather was glorious, and the scene far finer than any of us had
+anticipated--the view from the mountain extending over the entire city,
+gorgeous in the rich colouring of its domes and minarets; while, at one
+side, the golden horn was visible, crowded with ships of every nation,
+and, at the other, a glimpse might be had of the sea of Marmora, blue and
+tranquil as it lay beneath.  The broad bosom of the Bosphorus was sheeted
+out like a map before us--peaceful yet bustling with life and animation.
+Here lay the union-jack of old England, floating beside the lilies of
+France--we speak of times when lilies were and barricades were not--the
+tall and taper spars of a Yankee frigate towering above the low timbers
+and heavy hull of a Dutch schooner--the gilded poop and curved galleries
+of a Turkish three-decker, anchored beside the raking mast and curved
+deck of a suspicious looking craft, whose red-capped and dark-visaged
+crew needed not the naked creese at their sides to bespeak them Malays.
+The whole was redolent of life, and teeming with food for one's fancy to
+conjure from.
+
+While we were debating upon the choice of a spot for our luncheon, which
+should command the chief points of view within our reach, one of the
+party came to inform us that he had just discovered the very thing we
+were in search of.  It was a small kiosk, built upon a projecting rock
+that looked down upon the Bosphorus and the city, and had evidently, from
+the extended views it presented, been selected as the spot to build upon.
+The building itself was a small octagon, open on every side, and
+presenting a series of prospects, land and seaward, of the most varied
+and magnificent kind.
+
+Seeing no one near, nor any trace of habitation, we resolved to avail
+ourselves of the good taste of the founder; and spreading out the
+contents of our hampers, proceeded to discuss a most excellent cold
+dinner.  When the good things had disappeared, and the wine began to
+circulate, one of the party observed that we should not think of enjoying
+ourselves before we had filled a bumper to the brim, to the health of our
+good king, whose birth-day it chanced to be.  Our homeward thoughts and
+loyalty uniting, we filled our glasses, and gave so hearty a "hip, hip,
+hurra," to our toast, that I doubt if the echoes of those old rocks ever
+heard the equal of it.
+
+Scarcely was the last cheer dying away in the distance, when the door of
+the kiosk opened, and a negro dressed in white muslin appeared, his arms
+and ancles bearing those huge rings of massive gold, which only persons
+of rank distinguish their servants by.
+
+After a most profound obeisance to the party, he explained in very
+tolerable French, that his master the Effendi, Ben Mustapha Al Halak, at
+whose charge (in house rent) we were then resting, sent us greetings, and
+begged that if not considered as contrary to our usages, &c. we should
+permit him and his suite to approach the kiosk and observe us at our
+meal.
+
+Independent of his politeness in the mode of conveying the request, as he
+would prove fully as entertaining a sight to us as we could possibly be
+to him, we immediately expressed our great willingness to receive his
+visit, coupled with a half hint that perhaps he might honour us by
+joining the party.
+
+After a half hour's delay, the door was once more thrown open, and a
+venerable old Turk entered: he salaamed three times most reverently, and
+motioned to us to be seated, declining, at the same time, by a gentle
+gesture of his hand, our invitation.  He was followed by a train of six
+persons, all splendidly attired, and attesting, by their costume and
+manner, the rank and importance of their chief.  Conceiving that his
+visit had but one object--to observe our convivial customs--we
+immediately reseated ourselves, and filled our glasses.
+
+As one after another the officers of the effendi's household passed
+round the apartments, we offered them a goblet of champagne, which they
+severally declined, with a polite but solemn smile--all except one, a
+large, savage-looking Turk, with a most ferocious scowl, and the largest
+black beard I ever beheld.  He did not content himself with a mute
+refusal of our offer, but stopping suddenly, he raised up his hands above
+his head, and muttered some words in Turkish, which one of the party
+informed us was a very satisfactory recommendation of the whole company
+to Satan for their heretic abomination.
+
+The procession moved slowly round the room, and when it reached the door
+again retired, each member of it salaaming three times as they had done
+on entering.  Scarcely had they gone, when we burst into a loud fit of
+laughter at the savage-looking fellow who thought proper to excommunicate
+us, and were about to discuss his more than common appearance of disgust
+at our proceedings, when again the door opened, and a turbaned head
+peeped in, but so altered were the features, that although seen but the
+moment before, we could hardly believe them the same.  The dark
+complexion--the long and bushy beard were there--but instead of the
+sleepy and solemn character of the oriental, with heavy eye and closed
+lip, there was a droll, half-devilry in the look, and partly open mouth,
+that made a most laughable contrast with the head-dress.  He looked
+stealthily around him for an instant, as if to see that all was right,
+and then, with an accent and expression I shall never forget, said, "I'll
+taste your wine, gentleman, an it be pleasing to ye."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLV.
+
+A DAY IN THE PHOENIX.
+
+When we were once more in the coupe of the diligence, I directed my
+entire attention towards my Irish acquaintance, as well because of his
+apparent singularity, as to avoid the little German in the opposite
+corner.
+
+"You have not been long in France, then, sir," said I, as we resumed our
+conversation.
+
+"Three weeks, and it seems like three years to me--nothing to
+eat--nothing to drink--and nobody to speak to.  But I'll go back soon
+--I only came abroad for a month."
+
+"You'll scarcely see much of the Continent in so short a time."
+
+"Devil a much that will grieve me--I didn't come to see it."
+
+"Indeed!"
+
+"Nothing of the kind; I only came--to be away from home."
+
+"Oh!  I perceive."
+
+"You're quite out there," said my companion, misinterpreting my meaning.
+"It wasn't any thing of that kind.  I don't owe sixpence.  I was laughed
+out of Ireland--that's all, though that same is bad enough."
+
+"Laughed out of it!"
+
+"Just so--and little you know of Ireland if that surprises you."
+
+After acknowledging that such an event was perfectly possible, from what
+I myself had seen of that country, I obtained the following very brief
+account of my companion's reasons for foreign travel:
+
+"Well, sir," began he, "it is about four months since I brought up to
+Dublin from Galway a little chesnut mare, with cropped ears and a short
+tail, square-jointed, and rather low--just what you'd call a smart hack
+for going to cover with--a lively thing on the road with a light weight.
+Nobody ever suspected that she was a clean bred thing--own sister to
+Jenny, that won the Corinthians, and ran second to Giles for the
+Riddlesworth--but so she was, and a better bred mare never leaped the
+pound in Ballinasloe.  Well, I brought her to Dublin, and used to ride
+her out two or three times a week, making little matches sometimes to
+trot--and, for a thorough bred, she was a clipper at trotting--to trot
+a mile or so on the grass--another day to gallop the length of the nine
+acres opposite the Lodge--and then sometimes, back her for a ten pound
+note, to jump the biggest furze bush that could be found--all or which
+she could do with ease, nobody thinking, all the while, that the
+cock-tailed pony was out of Scroggins, by a 'Lamplighter mare.'  As every
+fellow that was beat to-day was sure to come back to-morrow, with
+something better, either of his own or a friend's, I had matches booked
+for every day in the week--for I always made my little boy that rode, win
+by half a neck, or a nostril, and so we kept on day after day pocketing
+from ten to thirty pounds or thereabouts.
+
+"It was mighty pleasant while it lasted, for besides winning the money,
+I had my own fun laughing at the spoonies that never could book my bets
+fast enough.  Young infantry officers and the junior bar--they were for
+the most part mighty nice to look at, but very raw about racing.  How
+long I might have gone on in this way I cannot say; but one morning I
+fell in with a fat, elderly gentleman, in shorts and gaiters, mounted on
+a dun cob pony, that was very fidgety and hot tempered, and appeared to
+give the rider a great deal of uneasiness.
+
+"'He's a spicy hack you're on, sir,' said I, 'and has a go in him, I'll
+be bound.'
+
+"'I rayther think he has,' said the old gentleman, half testily.
+
+"'And can trot a bit, too.'
+
+"'Twelve Irish miles in fifty minutes, with my weight.'  Here he looked
+down at a paunch like a sugar hosghead.
+
+"'Maybe he's not bad across a country,' said I, rather to humour the old
+fellow, who, I saw, was proud of his poney.
+
+"'I'd like to see his match, that's all.'  Here he gave a rather
+contemptuous glance at my hack.
+
+"Well, one word led to another, and it ended at last in our booking a
+match, with which one party was no less pleased than the other.  It was
+this: each was to ride his own horse, starting from the school in the
+Park, round the Fifteen Acres, outside the Monument, and back to the
+start--just one heat, about a mile and a half--the ground good, and only
+soft enough.  In consideration, however, of his greater weight, I was to
+give odds in the start; and as we could not well agree on how much, it
+was at length decided that he was to get away first, and I to follow as
+fast as I could, after drinking a pewter quart full of Guinness's double
+stout--droll odds, you'll say, but it was the old fellow's own thought,
+and as the match was a soft one, I let him have his way.
+
+"The next morning the Phoenix was crowded as if for a review.  There were
+all the Dublin notorieties, swarming in barouches, and tilburies, and
+outside jaunting-cars--smart clerks in the post-office, mounted upon
+kicking devils from Dycer's and Lalouette's stables--attorney's wives
+and daughters from York-street, and a stray doctor or so on a hack that
+looked as if it had been lectured on for the six winter months at the
+College of Surgeons.  My antagonist was half an hour late, which time I
+occupied in booking bets on every side of me--offering odds of ten,
+fifteen, and at last, to tempt the people, twenty-five to one against the
+dun.  At last, the fat gentleman came up on a jaunting-car, followed by a
+groom leading the cob.  I wish you heard the cheer that greeted him on
+his arrival, for it appeared he was a well-known character in town, and
+much in favour with the mob.  When he got off the car, he bundled into a
+tent, followed by a few of his friends, where they remained for about
+five minutes, at the end of which he came out in full racing costume
+--blue and yellow striped jacket, blue cap and leathers--looking as funny
+a figure as ever you set eyes upon.  I now thought it time to throw off
+my white surtout, and show out in pink and orange, the colours I had been
+winning in for two months past.  While some of the party were sent on to
+station themselves at different places round the Fifteen Acres, to mark
+out the course, my fat friend was assisted into his saddle, and gave a
+short preliminary gallop of a hundred yards or so, that set us all
+a-laughing.  The odds were now fifty to one in my favour, and I gave them
+wherever I could find takers.  'With you, sir, if you please, in pounds,
+and the gentleman in the red whiskers, too, if he likes--very well, in
+half sovereigns, if you prefer it.'  So I went on, betting on every side,
+till the bell rung to mount.  As I knew I had plenty of time to spare, I
+took little notice, and merely giving a look to my girths, I continued
+leisurely booking my bets.  At last the time came, and at the word
+'Away!' off went the fat gentleman on the dun, at a spluttering gallop,
+that flung the mud on every side of us, and once more threw us all
+a-laughing.  I waited patiently till he got near the upper end of the park,
+taking bets every minute; and now that he was away, every one offered to
+wager.  At last, when I had let him get nearly half round, and found no
+more money could be had, I called out to his friends for the porter, and,
+throwing myself into the saddle, gathered up the reins in my hand.  The
+crowd fell back on each side, while from the tent I have already
+mentioned came a thin fellow with one eye, with a pewter quart in his
+hand: he lifted it up towards me, and I took it; but what was my fright
+to find that the porter was boiling, and the vessel so hot I could barely
+hold it.  I endeavoured to drink, however: the first mouthful took all
+the skin off my lips and tongue--the second half choked, and the third
+nearly threw me into an apoplectic fit--the mob cheering all the time
+like devils.  Meantime, the old fellow had reached the furze, and was
+going along like fun.  Again I tried the porter, and a fit of coughing
+came on that lasted five minutes.  The pewter was now so hot that the
+edge of the quart took away a piece of my mouth at every effort. I
+ventured once more, and with the desperation of a madman I threw down the
+hot liquid to its last drop.  My head reeled--my eyes glared--and my
+brain was on fire.  I thought I beheld fifty fat gentlemen galloping on
+every side of me, and all the sky raining jackets in blue and yellow.
+Half mechanically I took the reins, and put spurs to my horse; but before
+I got well away, a loud cheer from the crowd assailed me.  I turned, and
+saw the dun coming in at a floundering gallop, covered with foam, and so
+dead blown that neither himself nor the rider could have got twenty yards
+farther.  The race was, however, won.  My odds were lost to every man on
+the field, and, worse than all, I was so laughed at, that I could not
+venture out in the streets, without hearing allusions to my misfortune;
+for a certain friend of mine, one Tom O'Flaherty--"
+
+"Tom of the 11th light dragoons?"
+
+"The same--you know Tom, then?  Maybe you have heard him mention me
+--Maurice Malone?"
+
+"Not Mr. Malone, of Fort Peak?"
+
+"Bad luck to him.  I am as well known in connexion with Fort Peak, as the
+Duke is with Waterloo.  There is not a part of the globe where he has not
+told that confounded story."
+
+As my readers may not possibly be all numbered in Mr. O'Flaherty's
+acquaintance, I shall venture to give the anecdote which Mr. Malone
+accounted to be so widely circulated.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVI.
+
+AN ADVENTURE IN CANADA.
+
+Towards the close of the last war with America, a small detachment of
+military occupied the little block house of Fort Peak, which, about eight
+miles from the Falls of Niagara, formed the last outpost on the frontier.
+The Fort, in itself inconsiderable, was only of importance as commanding
+a part of the river where it was practicable to ford, and where the easy
+ascent of the bank offered a safe situation for the enemy to cross over,
+whenever they felt disposed to carry the war into our territory.
+
+There having been, however, no threat of invasion in this quarter, and
+the natural strength of the position being considerable, a mere handful
+of men, with two subaltern officers, were allotted for this duty--such
+being conceived ample to maintain it till the arrival of succour from
+head-quarters, then at Little York, on the opposite side of the lake.
+The officers of this party were our old acquaintance Tom O'Flaherty, and
+our newly-made one Maurice Malone.
+
+Whatever may be the merits of commanding officers, one virtue they
+certainly can lay small claim to--viz. any insight into character, or at
+least any regard for the knowledge.  Seldom are two men sent off on
+detachment duty to some remote quarter, to associate daily and hourly for
+months together, that they are not, by some happy chance, the very people
+who never, as the phrase is, "took to each other" in their lives.  The
+grey-headed, weather-beaten, disappointed "Peninsular" is coupled with
+the essenced and dandified Adonis of the corps; the man of literary
+tastes and cultivated pursuits, with the empty headed, ill informed
+youth, fresh from Harrow or Westminster.  This case offered no exception
+to the rule; for though there were few men possessed of more assimilating
+powers than O'Flaherty, yet certainly his companion did put the faculty
+to the test, for any thing more unlike him, there never existed.  Tom all
+good humour and high spirits--making the best of every thing--never
+non-plussed--never taken aback--perfectly at home, whether flirting with
+a Lady Charlotte in her drawing-room, or crossing a grouse mountain in
+the highlands--sufficiently well read to talk on any ordinary topic--and
+always ready-witted enough to seem more so.  A thorough sportsman,
+whether showing forth in the "park" at Melton, whipping a trout-stream in
+Wales, or filling a country-house with black cock and moor-fowl; an
+unexceptionable judge of all the good things in life, from a pretty ancle
+to a well hung tilbury--from the odds at hazard to the "Comet vintage."
+Such, in brief, was Tom.  Now his confrere was none of these; he had been
+drafted from the Galway militia to the line, for some election services
+rendered by his family to the government candidate; was of a saturnine
+and discontented habit; always miserable about some trifle or other, and
+never at rest till he had drowned his sorrows in Jamaica rum--which,
+since the regiment was abroad, he had copiously used as a substitute for
+whiskey.  To such an extent had this passion gained upon him, that a
+corporal's guard was always in attendance whenever he dined out, to
+convey him home to the barracks.
+
+The wearisome monotony of a close garrison, with so ungenial a companion,
+would have damped any man's spirits but O'Flaherty's.  He, however, upon
+this, as other occasions in life, rallied himself to make the best of it;
+and by short excursions within certain prescribed limits along the river
+side, contrived to shoot and fish enough to get through the day, and
+improve the meagre fare of his mess-table.  Malone never appeared before
+dinner--his late sittings at night requiring all the following day to
+recruit him for a new attack upon the rum bottle.
+
+Now, although his seeing so little of his brother officer was any thing
+but unpleasant to O'Flaherty, yet the ennui of such a life was gradually
+wearing him, and all his wits were put in requisition to furnish
+occupation for his time.  Never a day passed without his praying ardently
+for an attack from the enemy; any alternative, any reverse, had been a
+blessing compared with his present life.  No such spirit, however, seemed
+to animate the Yankee troops; not a soldier was to be seen for miles
+around, and every straggler that passed the Fort concurred in saying that
+the Americans were not within four day's march of the frontier.
+
+Weeks passed over, and the same state of things remaining unchanged,
+O'Flaherty gradually relaxed some of his strictness as to duty; small
+foraging parties of three and four being daily permitted to leave the
+Fort for a few hours, to which they usually returned laden with wild
+turkeys and fish--both being found in great abundance near them.
+
+Such was the life of the little garrison for two or three long summer
+months--each day so resembling its fellow, that no difference could be
+found.
+
+As to how the war was faring, or what the aspect of affairs might be,
+they absolutely knew nothing.  Newspapers never reached them; and whether
+from having so much occupation at head-quarters, or that the difficulty
+of sending letters prevented, their friends never wrote a line; and thus
+they jogged on, a very vegetable existence, till thought at last was
+stagnating in their brains, and O'Flaherty half envied his companion's
+resource in the spirit flask.
+
+Such was the state of affairs at the Fort, when one evening O'Flaherty
+appeared to pace the little rampart that looked towards Lake Ontario,
+with an appearance of anxiety and impatience strangely at variance with
+his daily phlegmatic look.  It seemed that the corporal's party he had
+despatched that morning to forage, near the "Falls," had not returned,
+and already were four hours later than their time away.
+
+Every imaginable mode of accounting for their absence suggested itself to
+his mind.  Sometimes he feared that they had been attacked by the Indian
+hunters, who were far from favourably disposed towards their poaching
+neighbours.  Then, again, it might be merely that they had missed their
+track in the forest; or could it be that they had ventured to reach Goat
+Island in a canoe, and had been carried down the rapids.  Such were the
+torturing doubts that passed as some shrill squirrel, or hoarse night owl
+pierced the air with a cry, and then all was silent again.  While thus
+the hours went slowly by, his attention was attracted by a bright light
+in the sky.  It appeared as if part of the heavens were reflecting some
+strong glare from beneath, for as he looked, the light, at first pale and
+colourless, gradually deepened into a rich mellow hue, and at length,
+through the murky blackness of the night, a strong clear current of flame
+rose steadily upwards from the earth, and pointed towards the sky.  From
+the direction, it must have been either at the Falls, or immediately near
+them; and now the horrible conviction flashed upon his mind that the
+party had been waylaid by the Indians, who were, as is their custom,
+making a war feast over their victims.
+
+Not an instant was to be lost.  The little garrison beat to arms; and, as
+the men fell in, O'Flaherty cast his eyes around, while he selected a few
+brave fellows to accompany him.  Scarcely had the men fallen out from the
+ranks, when the sentinel at the gate was challenged by a well-known
+voice, and in a moment more the corporal of the foraging party was among
+them.  Fatigue and exhaustion had so overcome him, that for some minutes
+he was speechless.  At length he recover sufficiently to give the
+following brief account:--
+
+The little party having obtained their supply of venison above Queenston,
+were returning to the Fort, when they suddenly came upon a track of feet,
+and little experience in forest life soon proved that some new arrivals
+had reached the hunting grounds, for on examining them closely, they
+proved neither to be Indian tracks, nor yet those made by the shoes of
+the Fort party.  Proceeding with caution to trace them backwards for
+three or four miles, they reached the bank of the Niagara river, above
+the whirlpools, where the crossing is most easily effected from the
+American side.  The mystery was at once explained: it was a surprise
+party of the Yankees, sent to attack Fort Peak; and now the only thing to
+be done was to hasten back immediately to their friends, and prepare for
+their reception.
+
+With this intent they took the river path as the shortest, but had not
+proceeded far when their fears were confirmed; for in a little embayment
+of the bank they perceived a party of twenty blue coats, who, with their
+arms piled, were lying around as if waiting for the hour of attack.  The
+sight of this party added greatly to their alarm, for they now perceived
+that the Americans had divided their force--the foot-tracks first seen
+being evidently those of another division.  As the corporal and his few
+men continued, from the low and thick brushwood, to make their
+reconnaisance of the enemy, they observed with delight that they were not
+regulars, but a militia force.  With this one animating thought, they
+again, with noiseless step, regained the forest, and proceeded upon their
+way.  Scarcely, however, had they marched a mile, when the sound of
+voices and loud laughter apprised them that another party was near,
+which, as well as they could observe in the increasing gloom, was still
+larger than the former.  They were now obliged to make a considerable
+circuit, and advance still deeper into the forest--their anxiety hourly
+increasing, lest the enemy should reach the Fort before themselves.  In
+this dilemma it was resolved that the party should separate--the corporal
+determining to proceed alone by the river bank, while the others, by a
+detour of some miles, should endeavour to learn the force of the Yankees,
+and, as far as they could, their mode of attack.  From that instant the
+corporal knew no more; for, after two hours' weary exertion, he reached
+the Fort, which, had it been but another mile distant, his strength had
+not held out for him to attain.
+
+However gladly poor O'Flaherty might have hailed such information under
+other circumstances, now it came like a thunderbolt upon him.  Six of his
+small force were away, perhaps ere this made prisoners by the enemy;
+the Yankees, as well as he could judge, were a numerous party; and he
+himself totally without a single adviser--for Malone had dined, and was,
+therefore, by this time in that pleasing state of indifference, in which
+he could only recognise an enemy, in the man that did not send round the
+decanter.
+
+In the half indulged hope that his state might permit some faint exercise
+of the reasoning faculty, O'Flaherty walked towards the small den they
+had designated as the mess-room, in search of his brother officer.
+
+As he entered the apartment, little disposed as he felt to mirth at such
+a moment, the tableau before him was too ridiculous not to laugh at.  At
+one side of the fire-place sat Malone, his face florid with drinking, and
+his eyeballs projecting.  Upon his head was a small Indian skull cap,
+with two peacock feathers, and a piece of scarlet cloth which hung down
+behind.  In one hand he held a smoking goblet of rum punch, and in the
+other a long, Indian Chibook pipe.  Opposite to him, but squatted upon
+the floor, reposed a red Indian, that lived in the Fort as a guide,
+equally drunk, but preserving, even in his liquor, an impassive, grave
+aspect, strangely contrasting with the high excitement of Malone's face.
+The red man wore Malone's uniform coat, which he had put on back
+foremost--his head-dress having, in all probability been exchanged for
+it, as an amicable courtesy between the parties.  There they sat, looking
+fixedly at each other; neither spoke, nor even smiled--the rum bottle,
+which at brief intervals passed from one to the other, maintained a
+friendly intercourse that each was content with.
+
+To the hearty fit of laughing of O'Flaherty, Malone replied by a look of
+drunken defiance, and then nodded to his red friend, who returned the
+courtesy.  As poor Tom left the room, he saw that nothing was to be hoped
+for in this quarter, and determined to beat the garrison to arms without
+any further delay.  Scarcely had he closed the door behind him, when a
+sudden thought flashed through his brain.  He hesitated, walked forward a
+few paces, stopped again, and calling out to the corporal, said--
+
+"You are certain they were militia?"
+
+"Yes, sir; quite sure."
+
+"Then, by Jove, I have it," cried O'Flaherty.  "If they should turn out
+to be the Buffalo fencibles, we may get through this scrape better than I
+hoped for."
+
+"I believe you are right, sir; for I heard one of the men as I passed
+observe, 'what will they say in Buffalo when it's over?'."
+
+"Send Mathers here, corporal; and do you order four rank and file, with
+side-arms to be in readiness immediately."
+
+"Mathers, you have heard the news," said O'Flaherty, as the sergeant
+entered.  "Can the Fort hold out against such a force as Jackson reports?
+You doubt; well, so do I; so let's see what's to be done.  Can you
+remember, was it not the Buffalo militia that were so tremendously
+thrashed by the Delawares last autumn?"
+
+"Yes, sir, they chased them for two days and nights, and had they not
+reached the town of Buffalo, the Delawares would not have left a scalp
+in the regiment."
+
+"Can you recollect the chief's name--it was Carran--something, eh?"
+
+"Caudan-dacwagae."
+
+"Exactly.  Where is he supposed to be now?"
+
+"Up in Detroit, sir, they say, but no one knows.  Those fellows are here
+to-day, and there to-morrow."
+
+"Well then, sergeant, here's my plan."  Saying these words, O'Flaherty
+proceeded to walk towards his quarters, accompanied by the sergeant, with
+whom he conversed for some time eagerly--occasionally replying, as it
+appeared, to objections, and offering explanations as the other seemed to
+require them.  The colloquy lasted half an hour--and although the veteran
+sergeant seemed difficult of conviction, it ended by his saying, as he
+left the room,
+
+"Well, sir, as you say, it can only come to hard knocks at worst.  Here
+goes--I'll send off the scout party to make the fires and choose the men
+for the out picquets, for no time is to be lost."
+
+In about an hour's time from the scene I have mentioned, a number of
+militia officers, of different grades, were seated round a bivouac fire,
+upon the bank of the Niagara river.  The conversation seemed of an angry
+nature, for the voices of the speakers were loud and irrascible, and
+their gestures evidenced a state of high excitement.
+
+"I see," said one, who seemed the superior of the party--"I see well
+where this will end.  We shall have another Queenston affair, as we had
+last fall with the Delawares."
+
+"I only say," replied another, "that if you wish our men to stand fire
+to-morrow morning, the less you remind them of the Delawares the better.
+What is that noise?  Is not that a drum beating?"
+
+The party at these words sprung to their legs, and stood in an attitude
+of listening for some seconds.
+
+"Who goes there?" sung out a sentinel from his post; and then, after a
+moment's delay, added--"Pass flag of truce to Major Brown's quarters."
+
+Scarcely were the words spoken, when three officers in scarlet, preceded
+by a drummer with a white flag, stood before the American party.
+
+"To whom may I address myself?" said one of the British--who, I may
+inform my reader, en passant, was no other than O'Flaherty--"To whom may
+I address myself as the officer in command?"
+
+"I am Major Brown," said a short, plethoric little man, in a blue uniform
+and round hat--"And who are you?"
+
+"Major O'Flaherty, of his majesty's fifth foot," said Tom, with a very
+sonorous emphasis on each word--"the bearer of a flag of truce and an
+amicable proposition from Major-General Allen, commanding the garrison of
+Fort Peak."
+
+The Americans, who were evidently taken by surprise at their intentions
+of attack being known, were silent, while he continued--
+
+"Gentlemen, it may appear somewhat strange that a garrison, possessing
+the natural strength of a powerful position--supplied with abundant
+ammunition and every muniment of war--should despatch a flag of truce on
+the eve of an attack, in preference to waiting for the moment, when a
+sharp and well-prepared reception might best attest its vigilance and
+discipline.  But the reasons for this step are soon explained.  In the
+first place, you intend a surprise.  We have been long aware of your
+projected attack.  Our spies have tracked you from your crossing the
+river above the whirlpool to your present position.  Every man of your
+party is numbered by us; and, what is still more, numbered by our allies
+--yes, gentlemen, I must repeat it, 'allies'--though, as a Briton, I
+blush at the word.  Shame and disgrace for ever be that man's portion,
+who first associated the honourable usages of war with the atrocious and
+bloody cruelties of the savage.  Yet so it is: the Delawares of the
+hills"--here the Yankees exchanged very peculiar looks--"have this
+morning arrived at Fort Peak, with orders to ravage the whole of your
+frontier, from Fort George to Lake Erie.  They brought us the information
+of your approach, and their chief is, while I speak, making an infamous
+proposition, by which a price is to paid for every scalp he produces in
+the morning.  Now, as the general cannot refuse to co-operate with the
+savages, without compromising himself with the commander-in-chief,
+neither can he accept of such assistance without some pangs of
+conscience.  He has taken the only course open to him: he has despatched
+myself and my brother officers here"--O'Flaherty glanced at two privates
+dressed up in his regimentals--"to offer you terms"--
+
+O'Flaherty paused when he arrived thus far, expecting that the opposite
+party would make some reply; but they continued silent: when suddenly,
+from the dense forest, there rung forth a wild and savage yell, that rose
+and fell several times, like the pibroch of the highlander, and ended at
+last in a loud whoop, that was echoed and re-echoed again and again for
+several seconds after.
+
+"Hark!" said O'Flaherty, with an accent of horror--"Hark! the war-cry of
+the Delawares!  The savages are eager for their prey.  May it yet be time
+enough to rescue you from such a fate!  Time presses--our terms are
+these--as they do not admit of discussion, and must be at once accepted
+or rejected, to your own ear alone can I impart them."
+
+Saying which, he took Major Brown aside, and, walking apart from the
+others, led him, by slow steps, into the forest.  While O'Flaherty
+continued to dilate upon the atrocities of Indian war, and the revengeful
+character of the savages, he contrived to be always advancing towards the
+river side, till at length the glare of a fire was perceptible through
+the gloom.  Major Brown stopped suddenly, and pointed in the direction of
+the flame.
+
+"It is the Indian picquet," said O'Flaherty, calmly; "and as the facts I
+have been detailing may be more palpable to your mind, you shall see them
+with your own eyes.  Yes, I repeat it, you shall, through the cover of
+this brushwood, see Caudan-dacwagae himself--for he is with them in
+person."
+
+As O'Flaherty said this, he led Major Brown, now speechless with terror,
+behind a massive cork tree, from which spot they could look down upon the
+river side, where in a small creek sat five or six persons in blankets,
+and scarlet head-dresses; their faces streaked with patches of yellow and
+red paint, to which the glare of the fire lent fresh horror.  In the
+midst sat one, whose violent gestures and savage cries gave him the very
+appearance of a demon, as he resisted with all his might the efforts of
+the others to restrain him, shouting like a maniac all the while, and
+struggling to rise.
+
+"It is the chief," said O'Flaherty; "he will wait no longer.  We have
+bribed the others to keep him quiet, if possible, a little time; but I
+see they cannot succeed."
+
+A loud yell of triumph from below interrupted Tom's speech.  The
+infuriated savage--who was no other than Mr. Malone--having obtained the
+rum bottle, for which he was fighting with all his might--his temper not
+being improved in the struggle by occasional admonitions from the red end
+of a cigar, applied to his naked skin by the other Indians--who were his
+own soldiers acting under O'Flaherty's orders.
+
+"Now," said Tom, "that you have convinced yourself, and can satisfy your
+brother officers, will you take your chance? or will you accept the
+honoured terms of the General--pile your arms, and retreat beyond the
+river before day-break?  Your muskets and ammunition will offer a bribe
+to the cupidity of the savage, and delay his pursuit till you can reach
+some place of safety."
+
+Major Brown heard the proposal in silence, and at last determined upon
+consulting his brother officers.
+
+"I have outstaid my time," said O'Flaherty, "but stop; the lives of so
+many are at stake, I consent."  Saying which, they walked on without
+speaking, till they arrived where the others were standing around the
+watch-fire.
+
+As Brown retired to consult with the officers, Tom heard with pleasure
+how much his two companions had worked upon the Yankees' fears, during
+his absence, by details of the vindictive feelings of the Delawares, and
+their vows to annihilate the Buffalo militia.
+
+Before five minutes they had decided.  Upon a solemn pledge from
+O'Flaherty that the terms of the compact were to be observed as he stated
+them, they agreed to march with their arms to the ford, where, having
+piled them, they were to cross over, and make the best of their way home.
+
+By sunrise the next morning, all that remained of the threatened attack
+on Fort Peak, were the smouldering ashes of some wood fires--eighty
+muskets piled in the fort--and the yellow ochre, and red stripes that
+still adorned the countenance of the late Indian chief,--but now snoring
+Lieutenant Maurice Malone.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVII.
+
+THE COURIER'S PASSPORT.
+
+A second night succeeded the long dreary day of the diligence, and the
+only one agreeable reflection arose in the feeling that every mile
+travelled, was diminishing the chance of pursuit, and removing me still
+further from that scene of trouble and annoyance that was soon to furnish
+gossip for Paris--under the title of "The Affaire O'Leary."
+
+How he was ever to extricate himself from the numerous and embarrassing
+difficulties of his position, gave me, I confess, less uneasiness than
+the uncertainty of my own fortunes.  Luck seemed ever to befriend him--me
+it had always accompanied far enough through life to make its subsequent
+desertion more painful.  How far I should blame myself for this,
+I stopped not to consider; but brooded over the fact in a melancholy
+and discontented mood.  The one thought uppermost in my mind was, how
+will Lady Jane receive me--am I forgotten--or am I only remembered as
+the subject of that unlucky mistake, when, under the guise of an elder
+son, I was feted and made much of.  What pretensions I had, without
+fortune, rank, influence, or even expectations of any kind, to seek the
+hand of the most beautiful girl of the day, with the largest fortune as
+her dowry, I dare not ask myself--the reply would have dashed all my
+hopes, and my pursuit would have at once been abandoned.  "Tell the
+people you are an excellent preacher," was the advice of an old and
+learned divine to a younger and less experienced one--"tell them so every
+morning, and every noon, and every evening, and at last they will begin
+to believe it."  So thought I.  I shall impress upon the Callonbys that
+I am a most unexceptionable "parti."  Upon every occasion they shall hear
+it--as they open their newspapers at breakfast--as they sip their soup at
+luncheon--as they adjust their napkin at dinner--as they chat over their
+wine at night.  My influence in the house shall be unbounded--my
+pleasures consulted--my dislikes remembered.  The people in favour with
+me shall dine there three times a-week--those less fortunate shall be put
+into schedule A.  My opinions on all subjects shall be a law--whether I
+pronounce upon politics, or discuss a dinner: and all this I shall
+accomplish by a successful flattery of my lady--a little bullying of my
+lord--a devoted attention to the youngest sister--a special cultivation
+of Kilkee--and a very "prononce" neglect of Lady Jane.  These were my
+half-waking thoughts, as the heavy diligence rumbled over the pave into
+Nancy; and I was aroused by the door being suddenly jerked open, and a
+bronzed face, with a black beard and moustache, being thrust in amongst
+us.
+
+"Your passports, Messieurs," as a lantern was held up in succession
+across our faces, and we handed forth our crumpled and worn papers to the
+official.
+
+The night was stormy and dark--gusts of wind sweeping along, bearing with
+them the tail of some thunder cloud--mingling their sounds with a falling
+tile from the roofs, or a broken chimney-pot.  The officer in vain
+endeavoured to hold open the passports while he inscribed his name; and
+just as the last scrawl was completed, the lantern went out.  Muttering a
+heavy curse upon the weather, he thrust them in upon us en masse, and,
+banging the door to, called out to the conducteur, "en route."
+
+Again we rumbled on, and, ere we cleared the last lamps of the town, the
+whole party were once more sunk in sleep, save myself.  Hour after hour
+rolled by, the rain pattering upon the roof, and the heavy plash of the
+horses' feet contributing their mournful sounds to the melancholy that
+was stealing over me.  At length we drew up at the door of a little
+auberge; and, by the noise and bustle without, I perceived there was a
+change of horses.  Anxious to stretch my legs, and relieve, if even for a
+moment, the wearisome monotony of the night, I got out and strode into
+the little parlour of the inn.  There was a cheerful fire in an open
+stove, beside which stood a portly figure in a sheepskin bunta and a
+cloth travelling cap, with a gold band; his legs were cased in high
+Russia leather boots, all evident signs of the profession of the wearer,
+had even his haste at supper not bespoke the fact that he was a
+government courier.
+
+"You had better make haste with the horses, Antoine, if you don't wish
+the postmaster to hear of it," said he, as I entered, his mouth filled
+with pie crust and vin de Beaune, as he spoke.
+
+A lumbering peasant, with a blouse, sabots, and a striped nightcap,
+replied in some unknown patois; when the courier again said--
+
+"Well, then, take the diligence horses; I must get on at all events; they
+are not so presse, I'll be bound; besides it will save the gens-d'armes
+some miles of a ride if they overtake them here."
+
+"Have we another vise of our passports here, then?" said I, addressing
+the courier, "for we have already been examined at Nancy?"
+
+"Not exactly a vise," said the courier, eyeing me most suspiciously as
+he spoke, and then continuing to eat with his former voracity.
+
+"Then, what, may I ask, have we to do with the gens-d'armes?"
+
+"It is a search," said the courier, gruffly, and with the air of one who
+desired no further questioning.
+
+I immediately ordered a bottle of Burgundy, and filling the large goblet
+before him, said, with much respect,
+
+"A votre bonne voyage, Monsier le Courier."
+
+To this he at once replied, by taking off his cap and bowing politely as
+he drank off the wine.
+
+"Have we any runaway felon or a stray galerien among us?" said I,
+laughingly, "that they are going to search us?"
+
+"No, monsieur," said the courier; "but there has been a government order
+to arrest a person on this road connected with the dreadful Polish plot,
+that has just eclated at Paris.  I passed a vidette of cavalry at Nancy,
+and they will be up here in half an hour."
+
+"A Polish plot!  Why, I left Paris only two days ago, and never heard of
+it."
+
+"C'est bien possible, Monsieur?  Perhaps, after all, it may only be an
+affair of the police; but they have certainly arrested one prisoner at
+Meurice, charged with this, as well as the attempt to rob Frascati, and
+murder the croupier."
+
+"Alas," said I, with a half-suppressed groan, "it is too true; that
+infernal fellow O'Leary has ruined me, and I shall be brought back to
+Paris, and only taken from prison to meet the open shame and ignominy of
+a public trial."
+
+What was to be done?--every moment was precious.  I walked to the door to
+conceal my agitation.  All was dark and gloomy.  The thought of escape
+was my only one; but how to accomplish it!  Every stir without suggested
+to my anxious mind the approaching tread of horses--every rattle of the
+harness seemed like the clink of accoutrements.
+
+While I yet hesitated, I felt that my fate was in the balance.
+Concealment where I was, was impossible; there were no means of
+obtaining horses to proceed.  My last only hope then rested in the
+courier; he perhaps might be bribed to assist me at this juncture.
+Still his impression as to the enormity of the crime imputed, might
+deter him; and there was no time for explanation, if even he would listen
+to it.  I returned to the room; he had finished his meal, and was now
+engaged in all the preparations for encountering a wet and dreary night.
+I hesitated; my fears that if he should refuse my offers, all chance of
+my escape was gone, deterred me for a moment.  At length as he wound a
+large woollen shawl around his throat, and seemed to have completed his
+costume, I summoned nerve for the effort, and with as much boldness in my
+manner as I could muster, said--
+
+"Monsieur le Courier, one word with you."  I here closed the door, and
+continued.  "My fortunes--my whole prospects in life depend upon my
+reaching Strasbourg by to-morrow night.  You alone can be the means of my
+doing so.  Is there any price you can mention, for which you will render
+me this service?--if so, name it."
+
+"So then, Monsieur," said the Courier, slowly--"so, then, you are the--"
+
+"You have guessed it," said I, interrupting.  "Do you accept my
+proposal?"
+
+"It is impossible," said he, "utterly impossible; for even should I be
+disposed to run the risk on my own account, it would avail you nothing;
+the first town we entered your passport would be demanded, and not being
+vised by the minister to travel en courier, you would at once be detained
+and arrested."
+
+"Then am I lost," said I, throwing myself upon a chair; at the same
+instant my passport, which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out at the
+feet of the courier.  He lifted it and opened it leisurely.  So engrossed
+was I by my misfortunes, that for some minutes I did not perceive, that
+as he continued to read the passport, he smiled from time to time, till
+at length a hearty fit of laughing awoke me from my abstraction.  My
+first impulse was to seize him by the throat; controlling my temper,
+however, with an effort, I said--
+
+"And pray, Monsieur, may I ask in what manner the position I stand in
+at this moment affords you so much amusement?  Is there any thing so
+particularly droll--any thing so excessively ludicrous in my situation
+--or what particular gift do you possess that shall prevent me throwing
+you out of the window?"
+
+"Mais, Monsieur," said he, half stifled with laughter, "do you know the
+blunder I fell into? it is really too good.  Could you only guess who I
+took you for, you would laugh too."
+
+Here he became so overcome with merriment, that he was obliged to sit
+down, which he did opposite to me, and actually shook with laughter.
+
+"When this comedy is over," thought I, "we may begin to understand each
+other."  Seeing no prospect of this, I became at length impatient, and
+jumping on my legs, said--
+
+"Enough, sir, quite enough of this foolery.  Believe me, you have every
+reason to be thankful that my present embarrassment should so far engross
+me, that I cannot afford time to give you a thrashing."
+
+"Pardon, mille pardons," said he humbly; "but you will, I am sure,
+forgive me when I tell you that I was stupid enough to mistake you for
+the fugitive Englishman, whom the gens-d'armes are in pursuit of.  How
+good, eh?"
+
+"Oh! devilish good--but what do you mean?"
+
+"Why, the fellow that caused the attack at Frascati, and all that, and--"
+
+"Yes--well, eh?  Did you think I was him?"
+
+"To be sure I did, till I saw your passport."
+
+"Till you saw my passport!"  Why, what on earth can he mean? thought I.
+"No, but," said I, half jestingly, "how could you make such a blunder?"
+
+"Why, your confused manner--your impatience to get on--your hurried
+questions, all convinced me.  In fact, I'd have wagered any thing you
+were the Englishman."
+
+"And what, in heaven's name, does he think me now?" thought I, as I
+endeavoured to join the laugh so ludicrous a mistake occasioned.
+
+"But we are delaying sadly," said the courier.  "Are you ready?"
+
+"Ready?--ready for what?"
+
+"To go on with me, of course.  Don't you wish to get early to
+Strasbourg?"
+
+"To be sure I do."
+
+"Well, then, come along.  But, pray, don't mind your luggage, for my
+caleche is loaded.  Your instruments can come in the diligence."
+
+"My instruments in the diligence!  He's mad--that's flat."
+
+"How they will laugh at Strasbourg at my mistake."
+
+"That they will," thought I.  "The only doubt is, will you join in the
+merriment?"
+
+So saying, I followed the courier to the door, jumped into his caleche,
+and in another moment was hurrying over the pave at a pace that defied
+pursuit, and promised soon to make up for all our late delay.  Scarcely
+was the fur-lined apron of the caleche buttoned around me, and the German
+blinds let down, when I set to work to think over the circumstance that
+had just befallen me.  As I had never examined my passport from the
+moment Trevanion handed it to me in Paris, I knew nothing of its
+contents; therefore, as to what impression it might convey of me, I was
+totally ignorant.  To ask the courier for it now might excite suspicion;
+so that I was totally at sea how to account for his sudden change in my
+favour, or in what precise capacity I was travelling beside him.  Once,
+and once only, the thought of treachery occurred to me.  Is he about to
+hand me over to the gens-d'armes? and are we now only retracing our steps
+towards Nancy?  If so, Monsieur le Courier, whatever be my fate, your's
+is certainly an unenviable one.  My reflections on this head were soon
+broken in upon, for my companion again returned to the subject of his
+"singular error," and assured me that he was as near as possible leaving
+me behind, under the mistaken impression of my being "myself;" and
+informed me that all Strasbourg would be delighted to see me, which
+latter piece of news was only the more flattering, that I knew no one
+there, nor had ever been in that city in my life; and after about an
+hour's mystification as to my tastes, habits, and pursuits, he fell fast
+asleep, leaving me to solve the difficult problem as to whether I was not
+somebody else, or the only alternative--whether travelling en courier
+might not be prescribed by physicians as a mode of treating insane
+patients.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLVIII.
+
+A NIGHT IN STRASBOURG.
+
+With the dawn of day my miseries recommenced; for after letting down the
+sash, and venting some very fervent imprecations upon the postillion for
+not going faster than his horses were able, the courier once more
+recurred to his last night's blunder, and proceeded very leisurely to
+catechise me as to my probable stay at Strasbourg, when I should go from
+there, &c.  As I was still in doubt what or whom he took me for, I
+answered with the greatest circumspection--watching, the while, for any
+clue that might lead me to a discovery of myself.  Thus, occasionally
+evading all pushing and home queries, and sometimes, when hard pressed,
+feigning drowsiness, I passed the long and anxious day--the fear of being
+overtaken ever mingling with the thoughts that some unlucky admission of
+mine might discover my real character to the courier, who, at any post
+station, might hand me over to the authorities.  Could I only guess at
+the part I am performing, thought I, and I might manage to keep up the
+illusion; but my attention was so entirely engrossed by fencing off all
+his threats, that I could find out nothing.  At last, as night drew near,
+the thought that we were approaching Strasbourg rallied my spirits,
+suggesting an escape from all pursuit, as well as the welcome prospect of
+getting rid of my present torturer, who, whenever I awoke from a doze,
+reverted to our singular meeting with a pertinacity that absolutely
+seemed like malice.
+
+"As I am aware that this is your first visit to Strasbourg," said the
+courier, "perhaps I can be of service to you in recommending a hotel.
+Put up, I advise you, at the 'Bear'--a capital hotel, and not ten
+minutes' distance from the theatre."
+
+I thanked him for the counsel; and, rejoicing in the fact that my
+prototype, whoever he might be, was unknown in the city, began to feel
+some little hope of getting through this scrape, as I had done so many
+others.
+
+"They have been keeping the 'Huguenots' for your arrival, and all
+Strasbourg is impatient for your coming."
+
+"Indeed!" said I, mumbling something meant to be modest.  "Who the devil
+am I, then, to cause all this fracas?  Heaven grant, not the new
+'prefect,' or the commander of the forces."
+
+"I am told the 'Zauberflotte' is your favourite opera?"
+
+"I can't say that I ever heard it--that is, I mean that I could say--well
+got up."
+
+Here I floundered on having so far forgot myself as to endanger every
+thing.
+
+"How very unfortunate!  Well, I hope you will not long have as much to
+say.  Meanwhile, here we are--this is the 'Bear.'"
+
+We rattled into the ample porte cochere of a vast hotel--the postillion
+cracking his enormous whip, and bells ringing on every side, as if the
+crown prince of Russia had been the arrival, and not a poor sub. in the
+__th.
+
+The courier jumped out, and running up to the landlord, whispered a few
+words in his ear, to which the other answered by a deep "ah, vraiment!"
+and then saluted me with an obsequiousness that made my flesh quake.
+
+"I shall make 'mes hommages' in the morning," said the courier, as he
+drove off at full speed to deliver his despatches, and left me to my own
+devices to perform a character, without even being able to guess what it
+might be.  My passport, too, the only thing that could throw any light
+upon the affair, he had taken along with him, promising to have it vised,
+and save me any trouble.
+
+Of all my difficulties and puzzling situations in life, this was
+certainly the worst; for however often my lot had been to personate
+another, yet hitherto I had had the good fortune to be aware of what and
+whom I was performing.  Now I might be any body from Marshal Soult to
+Monsieur Scribe; one thing only was certain, I must be a "celebrity."
+The confounded pains and trouble they were taking to receive me, attested
+that fact, and left me to the pleasing reflection that my detection,
+should it take place, would be sure of attracting a very general
+publicity.  Having ordered my supper from the landlord, with a certain
+air of reserve, sufficient to prevent even an Alsace host from obtruding
+any questions upon me, I took my opportunity to stroll from the inn down
+to the river side.  There lay the broad, rapid Rhine, separating me, by
+how narrow a gulph, from that land, where, if I once arrived, my safety
+was certain.  Never did that great boundary of nations strike me so
+forcibly, as now when my own petty interests and fortunes were at stake.
+Night was fast settling upon the low flat banks of the stream, and
+nothing stirred, save the ceaseless ripple of the river.  One fishing
+barque alone was on the water.  I hailed the solitary tenant of it, and
+after some little parley, induced him to ferry me over.  This, however,
+could only be done when the night was farther advanced--it being against
+the law to cross the river except at certain hours, and between two
+established points, where officers of the revenue were stationed.  The
+fisherman was easily bribed, however, to evade the regulation, and only
+bargained that I should meet him on the bank before daybreak.  Having
+settled this point to my satisfaction, I returned to my hotel in better
+spirits; and with a Strasbourg pate, and a flask of Nierensteiner, drank
+to my speedy deliverance.
+
+How to consume the long, dreary hours between this time and that of my
+departure, I knew not; for though greatly fatigued, I felt that sleep was
+impossible; the usual resource of a gossip with the host was equally out
+of the question; and all that remained was the theatre, which I happily
+remembered was not far from the hotel.
+
+It was an opera night, and the house was crowded to excess; but with some
+little management, I obtained a place in a box near the stage.  The piece
+was "Les Franc Macons," which was certainly admirably supported, and drew
+down from the audience--no mean one as judges of music--the loudest
+thunders of applause.  As for me, the house was a great a curiosity as
+the opera.  The novel spectacle of some hundred (thousand?) people
+relishing and appreciating the highest order of musical genius, was
+something totally new and surprising to me.  The curtain at length fell
+upon the fifth act.
+
+And now the deafening roar of acclamation was tremendous; and amid a
+perfect shout of enthusiasm, the manager announced the opera for the
+ensuing evening.  Scarcely had this subsided, when a buzz ran through the
+house; at first subdued, but gradually getting louder--extending from the
+boxes to the balcone--from the balcone to the parterre--and finally even
+to the galleries.  Groups of people stood upon the benches, and looked
+fixedly in one part of the house; then changed and regarded as eagerly
+the other.
+
+What can this mean? thought I.  Is the theatre on fire?  Something surely
+has gone wrong!
+
+In this conviction, with the contagious spirit of curiosity, I mounted
+upon a seat, and looked about me on every side; but unable still to catch
+the object which seemed to attract the rest, as I was about to resume my
+place, my eyes fell upon a well-known face, which in an instant I
+remembered was that of my late fellow-traveller the courier.  Anxious to
+avoid his recognition, I attempted to get down at once; but before I
+could accomplish it, the wretch had perceived and recognised me; and I
+saw him, even with a gesture of delight, point me out to some friends
+beside him.
+
+"Confound the fellow," muttered I; "I must leave this at once, or I shall
+be involved in some trouble."
+
+Scarcely was my my resolve taken, when a new burst of voices arose from
+the pit--the words "l'Auteur," "l'Auteur," mingling with loud cries for
+"Meerberger," "Meerberger," to appear.  So, thought I, it seems the great
+composer is here.  Oh, by Jove!  I must have a peep at him before I go.
+So, leaning over the front rail of the box, I looked anxiously about to
+catch one hasty glimpse of one of the great men of his day and country.
+What was my surprise, however, to perceive that about two thousand eyes
+were firmly rivetted upon the box I was seated in; while about half the
+number of tongues called out unceasingly, "Mr. Meerberger--vive
+Meerberger--vive l'Auteur des Franc Macons--vive Franc Macons," &c.
+Before I could turn to look for the hero of the scene, my legs were taken
+from under me, and I felt myself lifted by several strong men and held
+out in front of the box, while the whole audience, rising en masse,
+saluted me--yes, me, Harry Lorrequer--with a cheer that shook the
+building.  Fearful of precipitating myself into the pit beneath, if I
+made the least effort, and half wild with terror and amazement, I stared
+about like a maniac, while a beautiful young woman tripped along the edge
+of the box, supported by her companion's hand, and placed lightly upon my
+brow a chaplet of roses and laurel.  Here the applause was like an
+earthquake.
+
+"May the devil fly away with half of ye," was my grateful response, to as
+full a cheer of applause as ever the walls of the house re-echoed to.
+
+"On the stage--on the stage!" shouted that portion of the audience who,
+occupying the same side of the house as myself, preferred having a better
+view of me; and to the stage I was accordingly hurried, down a narrow
+stair, through a side scene, and over half the corps de ballet who were
+waiting for their entree.  Kicking, plunging, buffetting like a madman,
+they carried me to the "flats," when the manager led me forward to the
+foot lights, my wreath of flowers contrasting rather ruefully with my
+bruised cheeks and torn habiliments.  Human beings, God be praised, are
+only capable of certain efforts--so that one-half the audience were
+coughing their sides out, while the other were hoarse as bull-frogs from
+their enthusiasm in less than five minutes.
+
+"You'll have what my friend Rooney calls a chronic bronchitis for this,
+these three weeks," said I, "that's one comfort," as I bowed my way back
+to the "practicable" door, through which I made my exit, with the
+thousand faces of the parterre shouting my name, or, as fancy dictated,
+that of one of "my" operas.  I retreated behind the scenes, to encounter
+very nearly as much, and at closer quarters, too, as that lately
+sustained before the audience.  After an embrace of two minutes duration
+from the manager, I ran the gauntlet from the prima donna to the last
+triangle of the orchestra, who cut away a back button of my coat as a
+"souvenir."  During all this, I must confess, very little acting was
+needed on my part.  They were so perfectly contented with their
+self-deception, that if I had made an affidavit before the mayor--if
+there be such a functionary in such an insane town--they would not have
+believed me.  Wearied and exhausted at length, by all I had gone through,
+I sat down upon a bench, and, affecting to be overcome by my feelings,
+concealed my face in my handkerchief.  This was the first moment of
+relief I experienced since my arrival; but it was not to last long, for
+the manager, putting down his head close to my ear, whispered--
+
+"Monsieur Meerberger, I have a surprise for you--such as you have not had
+for some time, I venture to say"--
+
+"I defy you on this head," thought I.  "If they make me out king Solomon
+now, it will not amaze me"--
+
+"And when I tell you my secret," continued he, "you will acknowledge I
+cannot be of a very jealous disposition.  Madame Baptiste has just told
+me she knew you formerly, and that--she--that is, you--were--in fact, you
+understand--there had been--so to say--a little 'amourette' between you."
+
+I groaned in spirit as I thought, now am I lost without a chance of
+escape--the devil take her reminiscences.
+
+"I see," continued le bon mari, "you cannot guess of whom I speak; but
+when I tell you of Amelie Grandet, your memory will, perhaps, be better."
+
+"Amelie Grandet!" said I, with a stage start.  I need not say that I had
+never heard the name before.  "Amelie Grandet here!"
+
+"Yes, that she is," said the manager, rubbing his hands; "and my wife,
+too"--
+
+"Married!--Amelie Grandet married!  No, no; it is impossible--I cannot
+believe it.  But were it true--true, mark me--for worlds would I not meet
+her."
+
+"Comment il est drole," said the manager, soliloquising aloud; "for my
+wife takes it much easier, seeing they never met each other since they
+were fifteen."
+
+"Ho, ho!" thought I, "the affair is not so bad either--time makes great
+changes in that space."  "And does she still remember me?" said I, in a
+very Romeo-in-the-garden voice.
+
+"Why, so far as remembering the little boy that used to play with her in
+the orchard at her mother's cottage near Pirna, and with whom she used to
+go boating upon the Elbe, I believe the recollection is perfect.  But
+come along--she insists upon seeing you, and is this very moment waiting
+supper in our room for you."
+
+"A thorough German she must be," thought I, "with her sympathies and her
+supper--her reminiscences and her Rhine wine hunting in couples through
+her brain."
+
+Summoning courage from the fact of our long absence from each other, I
+followed the manager through a wilderness of pavilions, forests, clouds
+and cataracts, and at length arrived at a little door, at which he
+knocked gently.
+
+"Come in," said a soft voice inside.  We opened, and beheld a very
+beautiful young woman, in Tyrolese costume.  She was to perform in the
+afterpiece--her low boddice and short scarlet petticoat displaying the
+most perfect symmetry of form and roundness of proportion.  She was
+dressing her hair before a low glass as we came in, and scarcely turned
+at our approach; but in an instant, as if some sudden thought had struck
+her, she sprung fully round, and looking at me fixedly for above a
+minute--a very trying one for me--she glanced at her husband, whose
+countenance plainly indicated that she was right, and calling out,
+"C'est lui--c'est bien lui," threw herself into my arms, and sobbed
+convulsively.
+
+"If this were to be the only fruits of my impersonation," thought I, "it
+is not so bad--but I am greatly afraid these good people will find out a
+wife and seven babies for me before morning."
+
+Whether the manager thought that enough had been done for stage effect,
+I know not; but he gently disengaged the lovely Amelie, and deposited her
+upon a sofa, to a place upon which she speedily motioned me by a look
+from a pair of very seducing blue eyes.
+
+"Francois, mon cher, you must put off La Chaumiere.  I can't play
+to-night."
+
+"Put it off!  But only think of the audience, ma mie--they will pull down
+the house."
+
+"C'est possible," said she, carelessly.  "If that give them any pleasure,
+I suppose they must be indulged; but I, too, must have a little of my own
+way.  I shall not play."
+
+The tone this was said in--the look--the easy gesture of command--no less
+than the afflicted helplessness of the luckless husband, showed me that
+Amelie, however docile as a sweetheart, had certainly her own way as
+wife.
+
+While Le cher Francois then retired, to make his proposition to the
+audience, of substituting something for the Chaumiere--the "sudden
+illness of Madame Baptiste having prevented her appearance,"--we began to
+renew our old acquaintance, by a thousand inquiries from that long-past
+time, when we were sweethearts and lovers.
+
+"You remember me then so well?" said I.
+
+"As of yesterday.  You are much taller, and your eyes darker; but
+still--there is something.  You know, however, I have been expecting to
+see you these two days; and tell me frankly how do you find me looking?"
+
+"More beautiful, a thousand times more beautiful than ever--all save in
+one thing, Amelie."
+
+"And that is--"
+
+"You are married."
+
+"How you jest.  But let us look back.  Do you ever think on any of our
+old compacts?"  Here she pulled a leaf from a rose bud in her bouquet,
+and kissed it.  "I wager you have forgotten that."
+
+How I should have replied to this masonic sign, God knows; but the
+manager fortunately entered, to assure us that the audience had kindly
+consented not to pull down the house, but to listen to a five act tragedy
+instead, in which he had to perform the principal character.  "So, then,
+don't wait supper, Amelie; but take care of Monsieur Meerberger till my
+return."
+
+Thus, once more were we left to our souvenirs, in which, whenever hard
+pushed myself, I regularly carried the war into the enemy's camp, by
+allusions to incidents, which I need not observe had never occurred.
+After a thousand stories of our early loves, mingled with an occasional
+sigh over their fleeting character--now indulging a soft retrospect of
+the once happy past--now moralising on the future--Amelie and I chatted
+away the hours till the conclusion of the tragedy.
+
+By this time, the hour was approaching for my departure; so, after a very
+tender leave-taking with my new friend and my old love, I left the
+theatre, and walked slowly along to the river.
+
+"So much for early associations," thought I; "and how much better pleased
+are we ever to paint the past according to our own fancy, than to
+remember it as it really was.  Hence all the insufferable cant about
+happy infancy, and 'the glorious schoolboy days,' which have generally no
+more foundation in fact than have the 'Chateaux en Espagne' we build up
+for the future.  I wager that the real Amant d'enfance, when he arrives,
+is not half so great a friend with the fair Amelie as his unworthy
+shadow.  At the same time, I had just as soon that Lady Jane should have
+no 'premiers amours' to look back upon, except such as I have performed a
+character in."
+
+The plash of oars near me broke up my reflections, and the next moment
+found me skimming the rapid Rhine, as I thought for the last time.  What
+will they say in Strasbourg to-morrow?  How will they account for the
+mysterious disappearance of Monsieur Meerberger?  Poor Amelie Grandet!
+For so completely had the late incidents engrossed my attention, that I
+had for the moment lost sight of the most singular event of all--how I
+came to be mistaken for the illustrious composer.
+
+
+
+CHAPTER XLIX.
+
+A SURPRISE.
+
+It was late upon the following day ere I awoke from the long deep sleep
+that closed my labours in Strasbourg.  In the confusion of my waking
+thoughts, I imagined myself still before a crowded and enthusiastic
+audience--the glare of the foot-lights--the crash of the orchestra--the
+shouts of "l'Auteur," "l'Auteur," were all before me, and so completely
+possessed me, that, as the waiter entered with hot water, I could not
+resist the impulse to pull off my night-cap with one hand, and press the
+other to my heart in the usual theatrical style of acknowledgments for a
+most flattering reception.  The startled look of the poor fellow as he
+neared the door to escape, roused me from my hallucination, and awakened
+me to the conviction that the suspicion of lunacy might be a still
+heavier infliction than the personation of Monsieur Meerberger.
+
+With thoughts of this nature, I assumed my steadiest demeanour--ordered
+my breakfast in the most orthodox fashion--eat it like a man in his
+senses; and when I threw myself back in the wicker conveniency they call
+a caleche, and bid adieu to Kehl, the whole fraternity of the inn would
+have given me a certificate of sanity before any court in Europe.
+
+"Now for Munich," said I, as we rattled along down the steep street of
+the little town.  "Now for Munich, with all the speed that first of
+postmasters and slowest of men, the Prince of Tour and Taxis, will afford
+us."
+
+The future engrossed all my thoughts; and puzzling as my late adventures
+had been to account for, I never for a moment reverted to the past.  "Is
+she to be mine?" was the ever-rising question in my mind.  The thousand
+difficulties that had crossed my path might long since have terminated a
+pursuit where there was so little of promise, did I not cherish the idea
+in my heart, that I was fated to succeed.  Sheridan answered the ribald
+sneers of his first auditory, by saying, "Laugh on; but I have it in me,
+and by ____ it shall come out."  So I whispered to myself:--Go on Harry.
+Luck has been hitherto against you, it is true; but you have yet one
+throw of the dice, and something seems to say, a fortunate one in store;
+and, if so----, but I cannot trust myself with such anticipations.  I am
+well aware how little the world sympathises with the man whose fortunes
+are the sport of his temperament--that April-day frame of mind is ever
+the jest and scoff of those hardier and sterner natures, who, if never
+overjoyed by success, are never much depressed by failure.  That I have
+been cast in the former mould, these Confessions have, alas! plainly
+proved; but that I regret it, I fear also, for my character for sound
+judgment, I must answer "No."
+
+               Better far to be
+                In utter darkness lying,
+               Than be blest with light, and see
+                That light for ever flying
+
+is, doubtless, very pretty poetry, but very poor philosophy.  For myself
+--and some glimpses of sunshine this fair world has afforded me, fleeting
+and passing enough, in all conscience--and yet I am not so ungrateful as
+to repine at my happiness, because it was not permanent, as I am thankful
+for those bright hours of "Love's young dream," which, if nothing more,
+are at least delightful souvenirs.  They form the golden thread in the
+tangled web of our existence, ever appearing amid the darker surface
+around, and throwing a fair halo of brilliancy on what, without it, were
+cold, bleak, and barren.  No, no--
+
+                    The light that lies
+                    In woman's eyes,
+
+were it twice as fleeting--as it is ten times more brilliant--than the
+forked lightning, irradiates the dark gloom within us for many a long day
+after it has ceased to shine upon us.  As in boyhood it is the humanizing
+influence that tempers the fierce and unruly passions of our nature, so
+in manhood it forms the goal to which all our better and higher
+aspirations tend, telling us there is something more worthy than gold,
+and a more lofty pinnacle of ambition than the praise and envy of our
+fellow-men; and we may rest assured, that when this feeling dies within
+us, that all the ideal of life dies with it, and nothing remains save the
+dull reality of our daily cares and occupations.  "I have lived and have
+loved," saith Schiller; and if it were not that there seems some
+tautology in the phrase, I should say, such is my own motto.  If Lady
+Jane but prove true--if I have really succeeded--if, in a word--but why
+speculate upon such chances?--what pretensions have I?--what reasons to
+look for such a prize?  Alas! and alas! were I to catechise myself too
+closely, I fear that my horses' heads would face towards Calais, and that
+I should turn my back upon the only prospect of happiness I can picture
+to myself in this world.  In reflections such as these, the hours rolled
+over, and it was already late at night when we reached the little village
+of Merchem.  While fresh horses were being got ready, I seized the
+occasion to partake of the table d'hote supper of the inn, at the door
+of which the diligence was drawn up.  Around the long, and not
+over-scrupulously clean table, sat the usual assemblage of a German
+"Eilwagen"--smoking, dressing salad, knitting, and occasionally picking
+their teeth with their forks, until the soup should make its appearance.
+Taking my place amid this motley assemblage of mustachioed shopkeepers
+and voluminously-petticoated frows, I sat calculating how long human
+patience could endure such companionship, when my attention was aroused
+by hearing a person near me narrate to his friend the circumstances of my
+debut at Strasbourg, with certain marginal notes of his own that not a
+little surprised me.
+
+"And so it turned out not to be Meerberger, after all,": said the
+listener.
+
+"Of course not," replied the other.  "Meerberger's passport was stolen
+from him in the diligence by this English escroc, and the consequence
+was, that our poor countryman was arrested, the other passport being
+found upon him; while the Englishman, proceeding to Strasbourg, took his
+benefit at the opera, and walked away with above twelve thousand florins.
+
+"Sappermint" said the other, tossing off his beer.  "He must have been a
+clever fellow, though, to lead the orchestra in the Franc Macons."
+
+"That is the most astonishing part of all; for they say in Strasbourg
+that his performance upon the violin was far finer than Paganini's; but
+there seems some secret in it, after all: for Madame Baptiste swears that
+he is Meerberger; and in fact the matter is far from being cleared up
+--nor can it be till he is apprehended."
+
+"Which shall not be for some time to come," said I to myself, as,
+slipping noiselessly from the room, I regained my "caleche," and in ten
+minutes more was proceeding on my journey.  So much for correct
+information, thought I.  One thing, however, is certain--to the chance
+interchange of passports I owe my safety, with the additional
+satisfaction that my little German acquaintance is reaping a pleasant
+retribution for all his worry and annoyance of me in the coupe.
+
+Only he who has toiled over the weary miles of a long journey
+--exclusively occupied with one thought--one overpowering feeling--can
+adequately commiserate my impatient anxiety as the days rolled slowly
+over on the long tiresome road that leads from the Rhine to the south of
+Germany.
+
+The morning was breaking on the fourth day of my journey as the tall
+spires of Munich rose to my view, amid the dull and arid desert of sand
+that city is placed in.  At last! was my exclamation as the postilion
+tapped at the window with his whip, and then pointed towards the city.
+At last!  Oh! what would be the extacy of my feelings now could I
+exchange the torturing anxieties of suspense for the glorious certainty
+my heart throbs for; now my journey is nearing its end to see me claim as
+my own what I now barely aspire to in the sanguine hope of a heart that
+will not despair.  But cheer up, Harry.  It is a noble stake you play
+for; and it is ever the bold gambler that wins.  Scarcely was this
+reflection made half aloud, when a sudden shock threw me from my seat.
+I fell towards the door, which, bursting open, launched me out upon the
+road, at the same moment that the broken axletree of the caleche had
+upset it on the opposite side, carrying one horse along with it, and
+leaving the other with the postillion on his back, kicking and plunging
+with all his might.  After assisting the frightened fellow to dismount,
+and having cut the traces of the restive animal, I then perceived that in
+the melee I had not escaped scatheless.  I could barely stand; and, on
+passing my hand upon my instep, perceived I had sprained my ancle in the
+fall.  The day was only breaking, no one was in sight, so that after a
+few minutes' consideration, the best thing to do, appeared to get the
+other horse upon his legs, and despatching the postillion to Munich,
+then about three leagues distant, for a carriage, wait patiently on the
+road-side for his return.  No sooner was the resolve made than carried
+into execution; and in less than a quarter of an hour from the moment of
+the accident, I was seated upon the bank, watching the retiring figure of
+the postillion, as he disappeared down a hill, on his way to Munich.
+When the momentary burst of impatience was over, I could not help
+congratulating myself, that I was so far fortunate in reaching the end of
+my journey ere the mischance befell me.  Had it occurred at Stuttgard I
+really think that it would have half driven me distracted.
+
+I was not long in my present situation till a number of peasants, with
+broad-brimmed hats, and many-buttoned coats, passed on their way to work;
+they all saluted me respectfully; but although they saw the broken
+carriage, and might well guess at the nature of my accident, yet not
+one ever thought of proffering his services, or even indulging curiosity,
+by way of inquiry.  "How thoroughly German," thought I; "these people are
+the Turks of Europe, stupified with tobacco and 'starkes bier.'  They
+have no thought for any thing but themselves, and their own immediate
+occupations."  Perceiving at length one whose better dress and more
+intelligent look bespoke a rank above the common, I made the effort with
+such "platt deutsch," as I could muster, to ask if there were any house
+near, where I could remain till the postillion's return? and learned
+greatly to my gratification, that by taking the path which led through a
+grove of pine trees near me, I should find a chateau; but who was the
+proprietor he knew not; indeed the people were only newly come, and he
+believed were foreigners.  English he thought.  Oh, how my heart jumped
+as I said, "can they be the Callonbys; are they many in family; are there
+ladies--young ladies, among them?"--he knew not.  Having hastily arranged
+with my new friend to watch the carriage till my return, I took the path
+he showed me, and smarting with pain at every step, hurried along as best
+I could towards the chateau.  I had not walked many minutes, when a break
+in the wood gave me a view of the old mansion, and at once dispelled the
+illusion that was momentarily gaining upon me.  "They could not be the
+Callonbys."  The house was old; and though it had once been a fine and
+handsome structure, exhibited now abundant traces of decay; the rich
+cornices which supported the roof had fallen in many places, and lay in
+fragments upon the terrace beneath; the portico of the door was half
+tumbling; and the architraves of the windows were broken and dismantled;
+the tall and once richly ornamented chimnies, were bereft of all their
+tracery, and stood bolt upright in all their nakedness above the high
+pitched roof.  A straggling "jet d'eau" was vigorously fighting its way
+amid a mass of creeping shrubs and luxuriant lichens that had grown
+around and above a richly carved fountain, and fell in a shower of
+sparkling dew upon the rank grass and tall weeds around.  The gentle
+murmur was the only sound that broke the stillness of the morning.
+
+A few deities in lead and stone, mutilated and broken, stood like the
+Genii loci, guarding the desolation about them, where an old,
+superannuated peacock, with dropping, ragged tail was the only living
+thing to be seen.  All bespoke the wreck of what once was great and
+noble, and all plainly told me that such could not be the abode of the
+Callonbys.
+
+Half doubting that the house were inhabited, and half scrupling if so to
+disturb its inmates from their rest, I sat down upon the terrace steps
+and fell into a fit of musing on the objects about.  That strange
+propensity of my countrymen to settle down in remote and unfrequented
+spots upon the continent, had never struck me so forcibly; for although
+unquestionably there were evident traces of the former grandeur of the
+place, yet it was a long past greatness; and in the dilapidated walls,
+broken statues, weed grown walls, and dark and tangled pine grove, there
+were more hints for sadness than I should willingly surround myself by in
+a residence.  The harsh grating of a heavy door behind roused me; I
+turned and beheld an old man in a species of tarnished and worm-eaten
+livery, who, holding the door, again gazed at me with a mingled
+expression of fear and curiosity.  Having briefly explained the
+circumstances which had befallen me, and appealed to the broken caleche
+upon the road to corroborate a testimony that I perceived needed such
+aid, the old man invited me to enter, saying that his master and mistress
+were not risen, but that he would himself give me some breakfast, of
+which by this time I stood much in want.  The room into which I was
+ushered, corresponded well with the exterior of the house.  It was large,
+bleak, and ill furnished; the ample, uncurtained windows; the cold, white
+pannelled walls; the uncarpeted floor; all giving it an air of
+uninhabitable misery.  A few chairs of the Louis-quatorze taste, with
+blue velvet linings, faded and worn, a cracked marble table upon legs
+that once had been gilt; two scarcely detectable portraits of a mail-clad
+hero and a scarcely less formidable fair, with a dove upon her wrist,
+formed the principal articles of furniture in the dismal abode, where so
+"triste" and depressing did every thing appear, that I half regretted the
+curiosity that had tempted me from the balmy air, and cheerful morning
+without, to the gloom and solitude around me.
+
+The old man soon re-appeared with a not despicable cup of "Cafe noir,"
+and a piece of bread as large as a teaspoon, and used by the Germans
+pretty much in the same way.  As the adage of the "gift horse" is of
+tolerably general acceptation, I eat and was thankful, mingling my
+acknowledgments from time to time with some questions about the owners of
+the mansion, concerning whom I could not help feeling curious.  The
+ancient servitor, however, knew little or nothing of those he served; his
+master was the honourable baron; but of his name he was ignorant; his
+mistress was young; they had not been many months there; they knew no
+one--had no visitors--he had heard they were English, but did not know it
+himself; they were "Gute leute," "good people," and that was enough for
+him.  How strange did all this seem, that two people, young, too, should
+separate themselves from all the attractions and pleasures of the world,
+and settle down in the dark and dreary solitude, where every association
+was of melancholy, every object a text for sad reflections.  Lost in
+these thoughts I sat down beside the window, and heeded not the old man
+as he noiselessly left the room.  My thoughts ran on over the strange
+phases in which life presents itself, and how little after all external
+influences have to do with that peace of mind whose origin is within.
+The Indian, whose wigwam is beside the cataract, heeds not its thunders,
+nor feels its sprays as they fall in everlasting dews upon him; the Arab
+of the desert sees no bleakness in those never ending plains, upon whose
+horizon his eye has rested from childhood to age.  Who knows but he who
+inhabits this lonely dwelling may have once shone in the gay world,
+mixing in its follies, tasting of its fascination; and to think that now
+--the low murmurs of the pine tops, the gentle rustle of the water
+through the rank grass, and my own thoughts combining, overcame me at
+length, and I slept--how long I know not; but when I awoke, certain
+changes about showed me that some length of time had elapsed; a gay wood
+fire was burning on the hearth; an ample breakfast covered the table; and
+the broadsheet of the "Times" newspaper was negligently reposing in the
+deep hollow of an arm chair.  Before I had well thought how to apologize
+for the cool insouciance of my intrusion, the door opened, and a tall,
+well built man entered; his shooting jacket and gaiters were evidence of
+his English origin, while a bushy moustache and most ample "Henri quatre"
+nearly concealed features, that still were not quite unknown to me; he
+stopped, looked steadily at me, placed a hand on either shoulder, and
+calling out, "Harry--Harry Lorrequer, by all that's glorious!" rushed
+from the room in a transport of laughter.
+
+If my escape from the gallows depended upon my guessing my friend, I
+should have submitted to the last penalty of the law; never was I so
+completely nonplussed.  Confound him what does he mean by running away
+in that fashion.  It would serve him right were I to decamp by one of
+the windows before he comes back; but hark! some one is approaching.
+
+"I tell you I cannot be mistaken," said the man's voice from without.
+
+"Oh, impossible!" said a lady-like accent that seemed not heard by me for
+the first time.
+
+"Judge for yourself; though certainly the last time you saw him may
+confuse your memory a little."
+
+"What the devil does he mean by that?" said I, as the door opened, and a
+very beautiful young woman came forward, who, after a moment's
+hesitation, called out--
+
+"True, indeed, it is Mr. Lorrequer, but he seems to have forgotten me."
+
+The eyes, the lips, the tone of the voice, were all familiar.  What! can
+it be possible?  Her companion who had now entered, stood behind her,
+holding his sides with ill-suppressed mirth; and at length called out--
+
+"Harry, my boy, you scarcely were more discomposed the last morning we
+parted, when the yellow plush--"
+
+"By Jove it is," said I, as I sprang forward, and seizing my fair friend
+in my arms, saluted upon both cheeks my quondam flame, Miss Kamworth, now
+the wife of my old friend Jack Waller, of whom I have made due mention in
+an early chapter of these Confessions.
+
+Were I given a muster roll of my acquaintance to say which of them might
+inhabit this deserted mansion, Jack Waller would certainly have been the
+last I should have selected--the gay, lively, dashing, high-spirited
+Jack, fond of society, dress, equipage, living greatly in the world,
+known to and liked by every body, of universal reputation.  Did you want
+a cavalier to see your wife through a crush at the opera, a friend in a
+duel, a rider for your kicking horse in a stiff steeple chase, a bow oar
+for your boat at a rowing match, Jack was your man.  Such then was my
+surprise at finding him here, that although there were many things I
+longed to inquire about, my first question was--
+
+"And how came you here?"
+
+"Life has its vicissitudes," replied Jack, laughing; "many stranger
+things have come to pass than my reformation.  But first of all let us
+think of breakfast; you shall have ample satisfaction for all your
+curiosity afterwards."
+
+"Not now, I fear; I am hurrying on to Munich."
+
+"Oh, I perceive; but you are aware that--your friends are not there."
+
+"The Callonbys not at Munich!" said I, with a start.
+
+"No; they have been at Saltzburgh, in the Tyrol, for some weeks; but
+don't fret yourself, they are expected to-morrow in time for the court
+masquerade; so that until then at least you are my guest."
+
+Overjoyed at this information, I turned my attention towards madame,
+whom I found much improved; the embonpoint of womanhood had still farther
+increased the charms of one who had always been handsome; and I could not
+help acknowledging that my friend Jack was warrantable in any scheme for
+securing such a prize.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER L.
+
+JACK WALLER'S STORY.
+
+The day passed quickly over with my newly-found friends, whose curiosity
+to learn my adventures since we parted, anticipated me in my wish to
+learn theirs.  After an early dinner, however, with a fresh log upon the
+hearth, a crusty flask of red hermitage before us, Jack and I found
+ourselves alone and at liberty to speak freely together.
+
+"I scarcely could have expected such would be our meeting, Jack," said I,
+"from the way we last parted."
+
+"Yes, by Jove, Harry; I believe I behaved but shabbily to you in that
+affair; but 'Love and War,' you know; and besides we had a distinct
+agreement drawn up between us."
+
+"All true; and after all you are perhaps less to blame than my own
+miserable fortune that lies in wait to entrap and disappoint me at every
+turn in life.  Tell me what do you know of the Callonbys?"
+
+"Nothing personally; we have met them at dinner, a visit passed
+subsequently between us, 'et voila tout;' they have been scenery hunting,
+picture hunting, and all that sort of thing since their arrival; and
+rarely much in Munich; but how do you stand there? to be or not to
+be--eh?"
+
+"That is the very question of all others I would fain solve; and yet am
+in most complete ignorance of all about it; but the time approaches which
+must decide all.  I have neither temper nor patience for further
+contemplation of it; so here goes; success to the Enterprize."
+
+"Or," said Jack, tossing off his glass at the moment, "or, as they would
+say in Ireland, 'your health and inclinations, if they be virtuous.'"
+
+"And now, Jack, tell me something of your own fortunes since the day you
+passed me in the post-chaise and four."
+
+"The story is soon told.  You remember that when I carried off Mary, I
+had no intention of leaving England whatever: my object was, after making
+her my wife, to open negociations with the old colonel, and after the
+approved routine of penitential letters, imploring forgiveness, and
+setting forth happiness only wanting his sanction to make it heaven
+itself, to have thrown ourselves at his feet 'selon les regles,' sobbed,
+blubbered, blew our noses, and dressed for dinner, very comfortable
+inmates of that particularly snug residence, 'Hydrabad Cottage.'  Now
+Mary, who behaved with great courage for a couple of days, after that got
+low-spirited and depressed; the desertion of her father, as she called
+it, weighed upon her mind, and all my endeavours to rally and comfort
+her, were fruitless and unavailing.  Each day, however, I expected to
+hear something of, or from, the colonel, that would put an end to this
+feeling of suspense; but no--three weeks rolled on, and although I took
+care that he knew of our address, we never received any communication.
+You are aware that when I married, I knew Mary had, or was to have, a
+large fortune; and that I myself had not more than enough in the world
+to pay the common expenses of our wedding tour.  My calculation was this
+--the reconciliation will possibly, what with delays of post--distance
+--and deliberation, take a month--say five weeks--now, at forty pounds per
+week, that makes exactly two hundred pounds--such being the precise limit
+of my exchequer, when blessed with a wife, a man, and a maid, three
+imperials, a cap-case, and a poodle, I arrived at the Royal Hotel, in
+Edinburgh.  Had I been Lord Francis Egerton, with his hundred thousand a
+year, looking for a new 'distraction,' at any price; or still more--were
+I a London shopkeeper, spending a Sunday in Boulogne sur Mer, and trying
+to find out something expensive, as he had only one day to stay, I could
+not have more industriously sought out opportunities for extravagance,
+and each day contrived to find out some two or three acquaintances to
+bring home to dinner.  And as I affected to have been married for a long
+time, Mary felt less genee among strangers, and we got on famously; still
+the silence of the colonel weighed upon her mind, and although she
+partook of none of my anxieties from that source, being perfectly
+ignorant of the state of my finances, she dwelt so constantly upon this
+subject, that I at length yielded to her repeated solicitations, and
+permitted her to write to her father.  Her letter was a most proper one;
+combining a dutiful regret for leaving her home, with the hope that her
+choice had been such as to excuse her rashness, or, at least, palliate
+her fault.  It went to say, that her father's acknowledgment of her, was
+all she needed or cared for, to complete her happiness, and asking for
+his permission to seek it in person.  This was the substance of the
+letter, which upon the whole, satisfied me, and I waited anxiously for
+the reply.  At the end of five days the answer arrived.  It was thus:--
+
+     "'Dear Mary,
+
+     "'You have chosen your own path in life, and having done so, I have
+     neither the right nor inclination to interfere with your decision;
+     I shall neither receive you, nor the person you have made your
+     husband; and to prevent any further disappointment, inform you that,
+     as I leave this to-morrow, any future letters you might think proper
+     to address, will not reach me.
+
+                              "'Yours very faithful,
+                                        C. Kamworth, Hydrabad Cottage.'
+
+"This was a tremendous coup, and not in the least anticipated by either
+of us; upon me the effect was stunning, knowing, as I did, that our
+fast-diminishing finances were nearly expended.  Mary on the other hand,
+who neither knew nor thought of the exchequer, rallied at once from her
+depression, and after a hearty fit of crying, dried her eyes, and putting
+her arm round my neck, said:
+
+"'Well, Jack, I must only love you the more, since papa will not share
+any of my affection.'
+
+"'I wish he would his purse though,' muttered I, as I pressed her in my
+arms, and strove to seem perfectly happy.
+
+"I shall not prolong my story by dwelling upon the agitation this letter
+cost me; however, I had yet a hundred pounds left, and an aunt in
+Harley-street, with whom I had always been a favourite.  This thought,
+the only rallying one I possessed, saved me for the time; and as fretting
+was never my forte, I never let Mary perceive that any thing had gone
+wrong, and managed so well in this respect, that my good spirits raised
+her's, and we set out for London one fine sunshiny morning, as happy a
+looking couple as ever travelled the north road.
+
+"When we arrived at the 'Clarendon,' my first care was to get into a cab,
+and drive to Harley-street.  I rung the bell; and not waiting to ask if
+my aunt was at home, I dashed up stairs to the drawing-room; in I bolted,
+and instead of the precise old Lady Lilford, sitting at her embroidery,
+with her fat poodle beside her, beheld a strapping looking fellow, with a
+black moustache, making fierce love to a young lady on a sofa beside him.
+
+"'Why, how is this--I really--there must be some mistake here.'  In my
+heart I knew that such doings in my good aunt's dwelling were impossible.
+
+"'I should suspect there is, sir,' drawled out he of the moustache, as he
+took a very cool survey of me, through his glass.
+
+"'Is Lady Lilford at home, may I ask,' said I, in a very apologetic tone
+of voice.
+
+"'I haven't the honor of her ladyship's acquaintance,' replied he in a
+lisp, evidently enjoying my perplexity, which was every moment becoming
+more evident.
+
+"'But this is her house,' said I, 'at least--'
+
+"'Lady Lilford is at Paris, sir,' said the young lady, who now spoke for
+the first time.  'Papa has taken the house for the season, and that may
+perhaps account for your mistake.'
+
+"What I muttered by way of apology for my intrusion, I know not; but I
+stammered--the young lady blushed--the beau chuckled, and turned to the
+window, and when I found myself in the street, I scarcely knew whether to
+laugh at my blunder, or curse my disappointment.
+
+"The next morning I called upon my aunt's lawyer, and having obtained her
+address in Paris, sauntered to the 'Junior Club,' to write her a letter
+before post hour.  As I scanned over the morning papers, I could not help
+smiling at the flaming paragraph which announced my marriage, to the only
+daughter and heiress of the Millionaire, Colonel Kamworth.  Not well
+knowing how to open the correspondence with my worthy relative, I folded
+the paper containing the news, and addressed it to 'Lady Lilford, Hotel
+de Bristol, Paris.'
+
+"When I arrived at the 'Clarendon,' I found my wife and her maid
+surrounded by cases and band-boxes; laces, satins and velvets were
+displayed on all sides, while an emissary from 'Storr and Mortimer' was
+arranging a grand review of jewellery on a side table, one half of which
+would have ruined the Rajah of Mysore, to purchase.  My advice was
+immediately called into requisition; and pressed into service, I had
+nothing left for it, but to canvass, criticise, and praise, between
+times, which I did, with a good grace, considering that I anticipated the
+'Fleet,' for every flounce of Valenciennes lace; and could not help
+associating a rich diamond aigrette, with hard labour for life, and the
+climate of New South Wales.  The utter abstraction I was in, led to some
+awkward contre temps; and as my wife's enthusiasm for her purchases
+increased, so did my reverie gain ground.
+
+"'Is it not beautiful, Jack?--how delicately worked--it must have taken a
+long time to do it.'
+
+"'Seven years,' I muttered, as my thoughts ran upon a very different
+topic.
+
+"'Oh, no--not so much,' said she laughing; 'and it must be such a hard
+thing to do.'
+
+"'Not half so hard as carding wool, or pounding oyster shells.'
+
+"'How absurd you are.  Well, I'll take this, it will look so well in--'
+
+"'Botany Bay,' said I, with a sigh that set all the party laughing, which
+at last roused me, and enabled me to join in the joke.
+
+"As, at length, one half of the room became filled with millinery, and
+the other glittered with jewels and bijouterie, my wife grew weary with
+her exertions, and we found ourselves alone.
+
+"When I told her that my aunt had taken up her residence in Paris, it
+immediately occurred to her, how pleasant it would be to go there too;
+and, although I concurred in the opinion for very different reasons, it
+was at length decided we should do so; and the only difficulty now
+existed as to the means, for although the daily papers teem with 'four
+ways to go from London to Paris;' they all resolved themselves into one,
+and that one, unfortunately to me, the most difficult and impracticable
+--by money.
+
+"There was, however, one last resource open--the sale of my commission.
+I will not dwell upon what it cost me to resolve upon this--the
+determination was a painful one, but it was soon come to, and before
+five-o'clock that day, Cox and Greenwood had got their instructions to
+sell out for me, and had advanced a thousand pounds of the purchase.  Our
+bill settled--the waiters bowing to the ground (it is your ruined man
+that is always most liberal)--the post-horses harnessed, and impatient
+for the road, I took my place beside my wife, while my valet held a
+parasol over the soubrette in the rumble, all in the approved fashion of
+those who have an unlimited credit with Coutts and Drummond; the whips
+cracked, the leaders capered, and with a patronizing bow to the
+proprietor of the 'Clarendon,' away we rattled to Dover.
+
+"After the usual routine of sea sickness, fatigue, and poisonous cookery,
+we reached Paris on the fifth day, and put up at the 'Hotel de Londres,'
+Place Vendome.
+
+"To have an adequate idea of the state of my feelings as I trod the
+splendid apartments of this princely Hotel, surrounded by every luxury
+that wealth can procure, or taste suggest, you must imagine the condition
+of a man, who is regaled with a sumptuous banquet on the eve of his
+execution.  The inevitable termination to all my present splendour, was
+never for a moment absent from my thoughts, and the secrecy with which I
+was obliged to conceal my feelings, formed one of the greatest sources of
+my misery.  The coup, when it does come, will be sad enough, and poor
+Mary may as well have the comfort of the deception, as long as it lasts,
+without suffering as I do.  Such was the reasoning by which I met every
+resolve to break to her the real state of our finances, and such the
+frame of mind in which I spent my days at Paris, the only really unhappy
+ones I can ever charge my memory with.
+
+"We had scarcely got settled in the hotel, when my aunt, who inhabited
+the opposite side of the 'Place,' came over to see us and wish us joy.
+She had seen the paragraph in the Post, and like all other people with
+plenty of money, fully approved a match like mine.
+
+"She was delighted with Mary, and despite the natural reserve of the old
+maiden lady, became actually cordial, and invited us to dine with her
+that day, and every succeeding one we might feel disposed to do so.  So
+far so well, thought I, as I offered her my arm to see her home; but if
+she knew of what value even this small attention is to us, am I quite so
+sure she would offer it?--however, no time is to be lost; I cannot live
+in this state of hourly agitation; I must make some one the confidant of
+my sorrows, and none so fit as she who can relieve as well as advise upon
+them.  Although such was my determination, yet somehow I could not pluck
+up courage for the effort.  My aunt's congratulations upon my good luck,
+made me shrink from the avowal; and while she ran on upon the beauty and
+grace of my wife, topics I fully concurred in, I also chimed in with her
+satisfaction at the prudential and proper motives which led to the match.
+Twenty times I was on the eve of interrupting her, and saying, 'But,
+madam, I am a beggar--my wife has not a shilling--I have absolutely
+nothing--her father disowns us--my commission is sold, and in three
+weeks, the 'Hotel de Londres' and the 'Palais Royale,' will be some
+hundred pounds the richer, and I without the fare of a cab, to drive me
+to the Seine to drown myself.'
+
+"Such were my thoughts; but whenever I endeavoured to speak them, some
+confounded fulness in my throat nearly choked me; my temples throbbed, my
+hands trembled, and whether it was shame, or the sickness of despair, I
+cannot say; but the words would not come, and all that I could get out
+was some flattery of my wife's beauty, or some vapid eulogy upon my own
+cleverness in securing such a prize.  To give you in one brief sentence
+an idea of my state, Harry--know, then, that though loving Mary with all
+my heart and soul, as I felt she deserved to be loved, fifty times a day
+I would have given my life itself that you had been the successful man,
+on the morning I carried her off, and that Jack Waller was once more a
+bachelor, to see the only woman he ever loved, the wife of another.
+
+"But, this is growing tedious, Harry, I must get over the ground faster;
+two months passed over at Paris, during which we continued to live at
+the 'Londres,' giving dinners, soirees, dejeuners, with the prettiest
+equipage in the 'Champs Elysees,' we were quite the mode; my wife, which
+is rare enough for an Englishwoman, knew how to dress herself.  Our
+evening parties were the most recherche things going, and if I were
+capable of partaking of any pleasure in the eclat, I had my share, having
+won all the pigeon matches in the Bois de Boulegard, and beat Lord Henry
+Seymour himself in a steeple chase.  The continual round of occupation in
+which pleasure involves a man, is certainly its greatest attraction
+--reflection is impossible--the present is too full to admit any of the
+past, and very little of the future; and even I, with all my terrors
+awaiting me, began to feel a half indifference to the result in the
+manifold cares of my then existence.  To this state of fatalism, for
+such it was becoming, had I arrived, when the vision was dispelled in
+a moment, by a visit from my aunt, who came to say, that some business
+requiring her immediate presence in London, she was to set out that
+evening, but hoped to find us in Paris on her return.  I was
+thunderstruck at the news, for, although as yet I had obtained no manner
+of assistance from the old lady, yet, I felt that her very presence was a
+kind of security to us, and that in every sudden emergency, she was there
+to apply to.  My money was nearly expended, the second and last
+instalment of my commission was all that remained, and much of even that
+I owed to trades-people.  I now resolved to speak out--the worst must be
+known, thought I, in a few days--and now or never be it.  So saying, I
+drew my aunt's arm within my own, and telling her that I wished a few
+minutes conversation alone, led her to one of the less frequented walks
+in the Tuilleries gardens.  When we had got sufficiently far to be
+removed from all listeners, I began then--'my dearest aunt, what I have
+suffered in concealing from you so long, the subject of my present
+confession, will plead as my excuse in not making you sooner my
+confidante.'  When I had got thus far, the agitation of my aunt was such,
+that I could not venture to say more for a minute or two.  At length, she
+said, in a kind of hurried whisper, 'go on;' and although then I would
+have given all I possessed in the world to have continued, I could not
+speak a word.
+
+"'Dear John, what is it, any thing about Mary--for heavens sake speak.'
+
+"'Yes,' dearest aunt, 'it is about Mary, and entirely about Mary.'
+
+"'Ah, dear me, I feared it long since; but then, John, consider she is
+very handsome--very much admired--and--'
+
+"'That makes it all the heavier, my dear aunt--the prouder her present
+position, the more severely will she feel the reverse.'
+
+"'Oh, but surely, John, your fears must exaggerate the danger.'
+
+"'Nothing of the kind--I have not words to tell you--'
+
+"'Oh dear, oh dear, don't say so,' said the old lady blushing, 'for
+though I have often remarked a kind of gay flirting manner she has with
+men--I am sure she means nothing by it--she is so young--and so--'
+
+"I stopped, stepped forward, and looking straight in my aunt's face,
+broke out into a fit of laughter, that she, mistaking for hysterical
+from its violence, nearly fainted upon the spot.
+
+"As soon as I could sufficiently recover gravity to explain to my aunt
+her mistake, I endeavoured to do so, but so ludicrous was the contre
+temps, and so ashamed the old lady for her gratuitous suspicions, that
+she would not listen to a word, and begged me to return to her hotel.
+Such an unexpected turn to my communication routed all my plans, and
+after a very awkward silence of some minutes on both sides, I mumbled
+something about our expensive habits of life, costly equipage, number of
+horses, &c., and hinted at the propriety of retrenchment.
+
+"'Mary rides beautifully,' said my aunt, drily.'
+
+"'Yes, but my dear aunt, it was not exactly of that I was going to speak,
+for in fact--'
+
+"Oh John,' said she, interrupting--'I know your delicacy too well to
+suspect; but, in fact, I have myself perceived what you allude to, and
+wished very much to have some conversation with you on the subject.'
+
+"'Thank God,' said I to myself, 'at length, we understand each other--and
+the ice is broken at last.'
+
+"'Indeed, I think I have anticipated your wish in the matter; but as time
+presses, and I must look after all my packing, I shall say good by for a
+few weeks, and in the evening, Jepson, who stays here, will bring you,
+"what I mean," over to your hotel; once more, then, good by.'
+
+"'Good by, my dearest, kindest friend,' said I, taking a most tender
+adieu of the old lady.  'What an excellent creature she is,' said I, half
+aloud, as I turned towards home--'how considerate, how truly kind--to
+spare me too all the pain of explanation.'  Now I begin to breathe once
+more.  'If there be a flask of Johannisberg in the "Londres," I'll drink
+your health this day, and so shall Mary;' so saying, I entered the hotel
+with a lighter heart, and a firmer step than ever it had been my fortune
+to do hitherto.
+
+"'We shall miss the old lady, I'm sure, Mary, she is so kind.'
+
+"'Oh! indeed she is; but then, John, she is such a prude.'
+
+"Now I could not help recurring in my mind to some of the conversation in
+the Tuilleries garden, and did not feel exactly at ease.
+
+"'Such a prude, and so very old-fashioned in her notions.'
+
+"'Yes, Mary,' said I, with more gravity than she was prepared for, 'she
+is a prude; but I am not certain that in foreign society, where less
+liberties are tolerated than in our country, if such a bearing be not
+wiser.'  What I was going to plunge into, heaven knows, for the waiter
+entered at the moment, and presenting me with a large and carefully
+sealed package, said, 'de la part de mi ladi Lilfore,'--'but stay, here
+comes, if I am not mistaken, a better eulogy upon my dear aunt, than any
+I can pronounce.'
+
+"How heavy it is, said I to myself, balancing the parcel in my hand.
+'There is no answer,' said I, aloud to the waiter, who stood as if
+expecting one.
+
+"'The servant wishes to have some acknowledgment in writing, sir, that it
+has been delivered into your own hands.'
+
+"Jepson entered,--'well, George, your parcel is all right, and here is a
+Napoleon to drink my health.'
+
+"Scarcely had the servants left the room, when Mary, whose curiosity was
+fully roused, rushed over, and tried to get the packet from me; after a
+short struggle, I yielded, and she flew to the end of the room, and
+tearing open the seals, several papers fell to the ground; before I could
+have time to snatch them up, she had read some lines written on the
+envelope, and turning towards me, threw her arms around my neck, and
+said, 'yes Jack, she is, indeed, all you have said; look here,' I turned
+and read--with what feeling I leave to you to guess--the following:--
+
+"'Dear Nephew and Niece,
+
+"'The enclosed will convey to you, with my warmest wishes for your
+happiness, a ticket on the Francfort Lottery, of which I inclose the
+scheme.  I also take the opportunity of saying that I have purchased the
+Hungarian pony for Mary--which we spoke of this morning.  It is at
+Johnston's stable, and will be delivered on sending for it.'
+
+"'Think of that, Jack, the Borghese poney, with the silky tail; mine--Oh!
+what a dear good old soul; it was the very thing of all others I longed
+for, for they told me the princess had refused every offer for it.'
+
+"While Mary ran on in this strain, I sat mute and stupified; the sudden
+reverse my hopes had sustained, deprived me, for a moment, of all
+thought, and it was several minutes before I could rightly take in the
+full extent of my misfortunes.
+
+"How that crazy old maid, for such, alas, I called her to myself now,
+could have so blundered all my meaning--how she could so palpably have
+mistaken, I could not conceive; what a remedy for a man overwhelmed with
+debt--a ticket in a German lottery, and a cream-coloured pony, as if my
+whole life had not been one continued lottery, with every day a blank;
+and as to horses, I had eleven in my stables already.  Perhaps she
+thought twelve would read better in my schedule, when I, next week,
+surrendered as insolvent.
+
+"Unable to bear the delight, the childish delight of Mary, on her new
+acquisition, I rushed out of the house, and wandered for several hours in
+the Boulevards.  At last I summoned up courage to tell my wife.  I once
+more turned towards home, and entered her dressing-room, where she was
+having her hair dressed for a ball at the Embassy.  My resolution failed
+me--not now thought I--to-morrow will do as well--one night more of
+happiness for her and then--I looked on with pleasure and pride, as
+ornament after ornament, brilliant with diamonds and emeralds, shone in
+her hair, and upon her arms, still heightened her beauty, and lit up with
+a dazzling brilliancy her lovely figure.--But it must come--and whenever
+the hour arrives--the reverse will be fully as bitter; besides I am able
+now--and when I may again be so, who can tell--now then be it, said I, as
+I told the waiting-maid to retire; and taking a chair beside my wife, put
+my arm round her.
+
+"'There, John dearest, take care; don't you see you'll crush all that
+great affair of Malines lace, that Rosette has been breaking her heart to
+manage this half hour.'
+
+"'Et puis,' said I.
+
+"'Et puis.  I could not go to the ball, naughty boy.  I am bent on great
+conquest to-night; so pray don't mar such good intentions.'
+
+"'And you should be greatly disappointed were you not to go?'
+
+"'Of course I should; but what do you mean; is there any reason why I
+should not?  You are silent, John--speak--oh speak--has any thing
+occurred to my--'
+
+"'No, no, dearest--nothing that I know has occurred to the Colonel.'
+
+"'Well then, who is it?  Oh tell me at once.'
+
+"'Oh, my dear, there is no one in the case but ourselves;' so saying,
+despite the injunction about the lace, I drew her towards me, and in as
+few words, but as clearly as I was able, explained all our circumstances
+--my endeavour to better them--my hopes--my fears--and now my bitter
+disappointment, if not despair.
+
+"The first shock over, Mary showed not only more courage, but more
+sound sense than I could have believed.  All the frivolity of her former
+character vanished at the first touch of adversity; just as of old,
+Harry, we left the tinsel of our gay jackets behind, when active service
+called upon us for something more sterling.  She advised, counselled, and
+encouraged me by turns; and in half an hour the most poignant regret I
+had was in not having sooner made her my confidante, and checked the
+progress of our enormous expenditure somewhat earlier.
+
+"I shall not now detain you much longer.  In three weeks we sold our
+carriages and horses, our pictures, (we had begun this among our other
+extravagances,) and our china followed; and under the plea of health set
+out for Baden; not one among our Paris acquaintances ever suspecting the
+real reason of our departure, and never attributing any monied
+difficulties to us--for we paid our debts.
+
+"The same day we left Paris, I despatched a letter to my aunt, explaining
+fully all about us, and suggesting that as I had now left the army for
+ever, perhaps she would interest some of her friends--and she has
+powerful ones--to do something for me.
+
+"After some little loitering on the Rhine, we fixed upon Hesse Cassel for
+our residence.  It was very quiet--very cheap.  The country around
+picturesque, and last but not least, there was not an Englishman in the
+neighbourhood.  The second week after our arrival brought us letters from
+my aunt.  She had settled four hundred a year upon us for the present,
+and sent the first year in advance; promised us a visit as soon as we
+were ready to receive her; and pledged herself not to forget when an
+opportunity of serving me should offer.
+
+"From that moment to this," said Jack, "all has gone well with us.  We
+have, it is true, not many luxuries, but we have no wants, and better
+still, no debts.  The dear old aunt is always making us some little
+present or other; and somehow I have a kind of feeling that better luck
+is still in store; but faith, Harry, as long as I have a happy home, and
+a warm fireside, for a friend when he drops in upon me, I scarcely can
+say that better luck need be wished for."
+
+"There is only one point, Jack, you have not enlightened me upon, how
+came you here?  You are some hundred miles from Hesse, in your present
+chateau."
+
+"Oh! by Jove, that was a great omission in my narrative; but come, this
+will explain it; see here"--so saying, he drew from a little drawer a
+large lithographic print of a magnificent castellated building, with
+towers and bastions, keep, moat, and even draw-bridge, and the walls
+bristled with cannon, and an eagled banner floated proudly above them.
+
+"What in the name of the Sphynxes is this?"
+
+"There," said Jack, "is the Schloss von Eberhausen; or, if you like it in
+English, Eberhausen Castle, as it was the year of the deluge; for the
+present mansion that we are now sipping our wine in bears no very close
+resemblance to it.  But to make the mystery clear, this was the great
+prize in the Francfort lottery, the ticket of which my aunt's first note
+contained, and which we were fortunate enough to win.  We have only been
+here a few weeks, and though the affair looks somewhat meagre, we have
+hopes that in a little time, and with some pains, much may be done to
+make it habitable.  There is a capital chasses of some hundred acres;
+plenty of wood and innumerable rights, seignorial, memorial, &c., which,
+fortunately for my neighbours, I neither understand nor care for; and we
+are therefore the best friends in the world.  Among others I am styled
+the graf or count--."
+
+"Well, then, Monsieur Le Comte, do you intend favouring me with your
+company at coffee this evening; for already it is ten o'clock; and
+considering my former claim upon Mr. Lorrequer, you have let me enjoy
+very little of his society."
+
+We now adjourned to the drawing-room, where we gossipped away till past
+midnight; and I retired to my room, meditating over Jack's adventures,
+and praying in my heart, that despite all his mischances, my own might
+end as happily.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LI.
+
+MUNICH.
+
+The rest and quietness of the preceding day had so far recovered me from
+the effects of my accident, that I resolved, as soon as breakfast was
+over, to take leave of my kind friends, and set out for Munich.
+
+"We shall meet to-night, Harry," said Waller, as we parted--"we shall
+meet at the Casino--and don't forget that the Croix Blanche is your
+hotel; and Schnetz, the tailor, in the Grande Place, will provide you
+with every thing you need in the way of dress."
+
+This latter piece of information was satisfactory, inasmuch as the
+greater part of my luggage, containing my uniform, &c., had been left in
+the French diligence; and as the ball was patronised by the court, I was
+greatly puzzled how to make my appearance.
+
+Bad roads and worse horses made me feel the few leagues I had to go the
+most tiresome part of my journey.  But, of course, in this feeling
+impatience had its share.  A few hours more, and my fate should be
+decided; and yet I thought the time would never come.  If the Callonbys
+should not arrive--if, again, my evil star be in the ascendant, and any
+new impediment to our meeting arise--but I cannot, will not, think this
+--Fortune must surely be tired of persecuting me by this time, and, even to
+sustain her old character for fickleness, must befriend me now.  Ah! here
+we are in Munich--and this is the Croix Blanche--what a dingy old
+mansion!  Beneath a massive porch, supported by heavy stone pillars,
+stood the stout figure of Andreas Behr, the host.  A white napkin,
+fastened in one button-hole, and hanging gracefully down beside him--a
+soup-ladle held sceptre-wise in his right hand, and the grinding motion
+of his nether jaw, all showed that he had risen from his table d'hote to
+welcome the new arrival; and certainly, if noise and uproar might explain
+the phenomenon, the clatter of my equipage over the pavement might have
+risen the dead.
+
+While my postillion was endeavouring, by mighty efforts, with a heavy
+stone, to turn the handle of the door, and thus liberate me from my cage,
+I perceived that the host came forward and said something to him--on
+replying, to which, he ceased his endeavours to open the door, and looked
+vacantly about him.  Upon this I threw down the sash, and called out--
+
+"I say, is not this the Croix Blanche?"
+
+"Ya," said the man-mountain with the napkin.
+
+"Well, then, open the door, pray--I'm going to stop here."
+
+"Nein."
+
+"No!  What do you mean by that?  Has not Lord Callonby engaged rooms
+here?"
+
+"Ya."
+
+"Well, then, I am a particular friend of his, and will stay here also."
+
+"Nein."
+
+"What the devil are you at, with your ya and nein?" said I.  "Has your
+confounded tongue nothing better than a monosyllable to reply with."
+
+Whether disliking the tone the controversy was assuming, or remembering
+that his dinner waited, I know not, but at these words my fat friend
+turned leisurely round, and waddled back into the house; where, in a
+moment after, I had the pleasure of beholding him at the head of a long
+table, distributing viands with a very different degree of activity from
+what he displayed in dialogue.
+
+With one vigorous jerk, I dashed open the door, upsetting, at the same
+time, the poor postillion, who had recommenced his operations on the
+lock, and, foaming with passion, strode into the "salle a manger."
+Nothing is such an immediate damper to any sudden explosion of temper, as
+the placid and unconcerned faces of a number of people, who, ignorant of
+yourself and your peculiar miseries at the moment, seem only to regard
+you as a madman.  This I felt strongly, as, flushed in face and tingling
+in my fingers, I entered the room.
+
+"Take my luggage," said I to a gaping waiter, "and place a chair there,
+do you hear?"
+
+There seemed, I suppose, something in my looks that did not admit of much
+parley, for the man made room for me at once at the table, and left the
+room, as if to discharge the other part of my injunction, without saying
+a word.  As I arranged my napkin before me, I was collecting my energies
+and my German, as well as I was able, for the attack of the host, which,
+I anticipated from his recent conduct, must now ensue; but, greatly to my
+surprise, he sent me my soup without a word, and the dinner went on
+without any interruption.  When the desert had made its appearance, I
+beckoned the waiter towards me, and asked what the landlord meant by his
+singular reception of me.  The man shrugged his shoulders, and raised his
+eyebrows, without speaking, as if to imply, "it's his way."
+
+"Well, then, no matter," said I.  "Have you sent my luggage up stairs?"
+
+"No, sir, there is no room--the house is full."
+
+"The house full!  Confound it--this is too provoking.  I have most urgent
+reasons for wishing to stay here.  Cannot you make some arrangement--see
+about it, waiter."  I here slipped a Napoleon into the fellow's hand, and
+hinted that as much more awaited the finale of the negociation.
+
+In about a minute after, I perceived him behind the host's chair,
+pleading my cause with considerable energy; but to my complete chagrin,
+I heard the other answer all his eloquence by a loud "Nein," that he
+grunted out in such a manner as closed the conference.
+
+"I cannot succeed, sir," said the man, as he passed behind me, "but don't
+leave the house till I speak with you again."
+
+What confounded mystery is there in all this, thought I.  Is there any
+thing so suspicious in my look or appearance, that the old bear in the
+fur cap will not even admit me.  What can it all mean.  One thing I'm
+resolved upon--nothing less than force shall remove me.
+
+So saying I lit my cigar, and in order to give the waiter an opportunity
+of conferring with me unobserved by his master, walked out into the porch
+and sat down.
+
+In a few minutes he joined me, and after a stealthy look on each side,
+said--
+
+"The Herr Andreas is a hard man to deal with, and when he says a thing,
+never goes back of it.  Now he has been expecting the new English Charge
+d'Affaires here these last ten days, and has kept the hotel half empty in
+consequence; and as mi Lor Callonby has engaged the other half, why we
+have nothing to do; so that when he asked the postillion if you were mi
+Lor, and found that you were not, he determined not to admit you."
+
+"But why not have the civility to explain that?"
+
+"He seldom speaks, and when he does only a word or two at a time.  He is
+quite tired with what he has gone through to-day, and will retire very
+early to bed; and for this reason I have requested you to remain, for as
+he never ventures up stairs, I will then manage to give you one of the
+ambassador's rooms, which, even if he come, he'll never miss.  So that if
+you keep quiet, and do not attract any particular attention towards you,
+all will go well."
+
+This advice seemed so reasonable, that I determined to follow it--any
+inconvenience being preferable, provided I could be under the same roof
+with my beloved Jane; and from the waiter's account, there seemed no
+doubt whatever of their arrival that evening.  In order, therefore, to
+follow his injunctions to the letter, I strolled out toward the Place in
+search of the tailor, and also to deliver a letter from Waller to the
+chamberlain, to provide me with a card for the ball.  Monsieur Schnetz,
+who was the very pinnacle of politeness, was nevertheless, in fact,
+nearly as untractable as my host of the "Cross."  All his "sujets" were
+engaged in preparing a suit for the English Charge d'Affaires, whose
+trunks had been sent in a wrong direction, and who had despatched a
+courier from Frankfort, to order a uniform.  This second thwarting, and
+from the same source, so nettled me, that I greatly fear, all my respect
+for the foreign office and those who live thereby, would not have saved
+them from something most unlike a blessing, had not Monsieur Schnetz
+saved diplomacy from such desecration by saying, that if I could content
+myself with a plain suit, such as civilians wore, he would do his
+endeavour to accommodate me.
+
+"Any thing, Monsieur Schnetz--dress me like the Pope's Nuncio, or the
+Mayor of London, if you like, but only enable me to go."
+
+Although my reply did not seem to convey a very exalted idea of my taste
+in costume to the worthy artiste, it at least evinced my anxiety for the
+ball; and running his measure over me, he assured me that the dress he
+would provide was both well looking and becoming; adding, "At nine
+o'clock, sir, you'll have it--exactly the same size as his Excellency the
+Charge d'Affaires."
+
+"Confound the Charge d'Affaires!" I added, and left the house.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LII.
+
+INN AT MUNICH.
+
+As I had never been in Munich before, I strolled about the town till
+dusk.  At that time the taste of the present king had not enriched the
+capital with the innumerable objects of art which render it now second to
+none in Europe.  There were, indeed, then but few attractions--narrow
+streets, tall, unarchitectural-looking houses, and gloomy, unimpressive
+churches.  Tired of this, I turned towards my inn, wondering in my mind
+if Antoine had succeeded in procuring me the room, or whether yet I
+should be obliged to seek my lodging elsewhere.  Scarcely had I entered
+the porch, when I found him waiting my arrival, candle in hand.  He
+conducted me at once up the wide oaken stair, then along the gallery,
+into a large wainscotted room, with a most capacious bed.  A cheerful
+wood fire burned and crackled away in the grate--the cloth was already
+spread for supper--(remember it was in Germany)--the newspapers of the
+day were placed before me--and, in a word, every attention showed that I
+had found the true avenue to Antoine's good graces, who now stood bowing
+before me, in apparent ecstasy at his own cleverness.
+
+"All very well done, Antoine, and now for supper--order it yourself for
+me--I never can find my way in a German 'carte de diner;' and be sure to
+have a fiacre here at nine--nine precisely."
+
+Antoine withdrew, leaving me to my own reflections, which now, if not
+gloomy, were still of the most anxious kind.
+
+Scarcely was the supper placed upon the table, when a tremendous tramping
+of horses along the street, and loud cracking of whips, announced a new
+arrival.
+
+"Here they are," said I, as, springing up, I upset the soup, and nearly
+threw the roti into Antoine's face, as he was putting it before me.
+
+Down stairs I rushed, through the hall, pushing aside waiters and
+overturning chambermaids in my course.  The carriage was already at the
+door.  Now for a surprise, thought I, as I worked through the crowd in
+the porch, and reached the door just as the steps were clattered down,
+and a gentleman began to descend, whom twenty expectant voices, now
+informed of his identity, welcomed as the new Charge d'Affaires.
+
+"May all the--"
+
+What I wished for his excellency it would not be polite to repeat, nor
+most discreet even to remember; but, certes, I mounted the stairs with as
+little good will towards the envoy extraordinary as was consistent with
+due loyalty.
+
+When once more in my room, I congratulated myself that now at least no
+more "false starts" could occur--"the eternal Charge d'Affaires, of whom
+I have been hearing since my arrival, cannot come twice--he is here now,
+and I hope I'm done with him."
+
+The supper--some greasiness apart--was good--the wine excellent.  My
+spirits were gradually rising, and I paced my room in that mingled state
+of hope and fear, that amid all its anxieties, has such moments of
+ecstasy.  A new noise without--some rabble in the street; hark, it comes
+nearer--I hear the sound of wheels; yes, there go the horses--nearer and
+nearer.  Ah, it is dying away again--stay--yes, yes--here it is--here
+they are.  The noise and tumult without now increased every instant--the
+heavy trot of six or eight horses shook the very street, and I heard the
+round, dull, rumbling sound of a heavy carriage, as it drew up at last at
+the door of the inn.  Why it was I know not, but this time I could not
+stir--my heart beat almost loud enough for me to hear--my temples
+throbbed, and then a cold and clammy perspiration came over me, and I
+sank into a chair.  Fearing that I was about to faint, sick as I was, I
+felt angry with myself, and tried to rally, but could not, and only at
+length was roused by hearing that the steps were let down, and shortly
+after the tread of feet coming along the gallery towards my room.
+
+They are coming--she is coming, thought I.  Now then for my doom!
+
+There was some noise of voices outside.  I listened, for I still felt
+unable to rise.  The talking grew louder--doors were opened and shut
+--then came a lull--then more slamming of doors, and more talking--then
+all was still again--and at last I heard the steps of people as if
+retiring, and in a few minutes after the carriage door was jammed to, and
+again the heavy tramp of the horses rattled over the pave.  At this
+instant Antoine entered.
+
+"Well, Antoine," said I, in a voice trembling with weakness and
+agitation, "not them yet?"
+
+"It was his Grace the Grand Mareschal," said Antoine, scarcely heeding my
+question, in the importance of the illustrious visitor who had arrived.
+
+"Ah, the Grand Mareschal," said I, carelessly; "does he live here?"
+
+"Sappermint nein, Mein Herr; but he has just been to pay his respects to
+his Excellency the new Charge d'Affaires."
+
+In the name of all patience, I ask, who could endure this?  From the hour
+of my arrival I am haunted by this one image--the Charge d'Affaires.  For
+him I have been almost condemned to go houseless, and naked; and now the
+very most sacred feelings of my heart are subject to his influence.  I
+walked up and down in an agony.  Another such disappointment, and my
+brain will turn, thought I, and they may write my epitaph--"Died of love
+and a Charge d'Affaires."
+
+"It is time to dress," said the waiter.
+
+"I could strangle him with my own hands," muttered I, worked up into a
+real heat by the excitement of my passion.
+
+"The Charge--"
+
+"Say that name again, villain, and I'll blow your brains out," cried I,
+seizing Antoine by the throat, and pinning him against the wall; "only
+dare to mutter it, and you'll ever breathe another syllable."
+
+The poor fellow grew green with terror, and fell upon his knees before
+me.
+
+"Get my dressing things ready," said I, in a more subdued tone.  "I did
+not mean to terrify you--but beware of what I told you."
+
+While Antoine occupied himself with the preparations for my toilette, I
+sat broodingly over the wood embers, thinking of my fate.
+
+A knock came to the door.  It was the tailor's servant with my clothes.
+He laid down the parcel and retired, while Antoine proceeded to open it,
+and exhibit before me a blue uniform with embroidered collar and cuffs
+--the whole, without being gaudy, being sufficiently handsome, and quite
+as showy as I could wish.
+
+The poor waiter expressed his unqualified approval of the costume, and
+talked away about the approaching ball as something pre-eminently
+magnificent.
+
+"You had better look after the fiacre, Antoine," said I; "it is past
+nine."
+
+He walked towards the door, opened it, and then, turning round, said, in
+a kind of low, confidential whisper, pointing, with the thumb of his left
+hand, towards the wall of the room as he spoke--
+
+"He won't go--very strange that."
+
+"Who do you mean?" said I, quite unconscious of the allusion.
+
+"The Charge d'Aff--"
+
+I made one spring at him, but he slammed the door to, and before I could
+reach the lobby, I heard him rolling from top to bottom of the oak
+staircase, making noise enough in his fall to account for the fracture of
+every bone in his body.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIII.
+
+THE BALL.
+
+As I was informed that the King would himself be present at the ball, I
+knew that German etiquette required that the company should arrive before
+his Majesty; and although now every minute I expected the arrival of the
+Callonbys, I dared not defer my departure any longer.
+
+"They are certain to be at the ball," said Waller, and that sentence
+never left my mind.
+
+So saying, I jumped into the fiacre, and in a few minutes found myself in
+the long line of carriages that led to the "Hof saal."  Any one who has
+been in Munich will testify for me, that the ball room is one of the most
+beautiful in Europe, and to me who for some time had not been living much
+in the world, its splendour was positively dazzling.  The glare of the
+chandeliers--the clang of the music--the magnificence of the dresses--the
+beauty of the Bavarian women too, all surprized and amazed me.  There
+were several hundred people present, but the king not having yet arrived,
+dancing had not commenced.  Feeling as I then did, it was rather a relief
+to me than otherwise, that I knew no one.  There was quite amusement
+enough in walking through the saloons, observing the strange costumes,
+and remarking the various groups as they congregated around the trays of
+ices and the champagne glacee.  The buzz of talking and the sounds of
+laughter and merriment prevailed over even the orchestra; and, as the gay
+crowds paraded the rooms, all seemed pleasure and excitement.  Suddenly a
+tremendous noise was heard without--then came a loud roll of the drums,
+which lasted for several seconds, and the clank of musketry--then a
+cheer;--it is the king.
+
+The king! resounded on all sides; and in another moment the large
+folding-doors at the end of the saal were thrown open, and the music
+struck up the national anthem of Bavaria.
+
+His majesty entered, accompanied by the queen, his brother, two or three
+archduchesses, and a long suite of officers.
+
+I could not help remarking upon the singular good taste with which the
+assembly--all anxious and eager to catch a glimpse of his majesty
+--behaved on this occasion.  There was no pressing forward to the
+"estrade" where he stood,--no vulgar curiosity evinced by any one, but
+the group continued, as before, to gather and scatter.  The only
+difference being, that the velvet chair and cushion, which had attracted
+some observers before, were, now that they were tenanted by royalty,
+passed with a deep and respectful salutation.  How proper this, thought
+I, and what an inducement for a monarch to come among his people, who
+remember to receive him with such true politeness.  While these thoughts
+were passing through my mind, as I was leaning against a pillar that
+supported the gallery of the orchestra, a gentleman whose dress, covered
+with gold and embroidery, bespoke him as belonging to the court, eyed me
+aside with his lorgnette and then passed rapidly on.  A quadrille was now
+forming near me, and I was watching, with some interest, the proceeding,
+when the same figure that I remarked before, approached me, bowing deeply
+at every step, and shaking a very halo of powder from his hair at each
+reverence.
+
+"May I take the liberty of introducing myself to you?" said he.--"Le
+Comte Benningsen."  Here he bowed again, and I returned the obeisance
+still deeper.  "Regretted much that I was not fortunate enough to make
+your acquaintance this evening, when I called upon you."
+
+"Never heard of that," said I to myself.
+
+"Your excellency arrived this evening?"
+
+"Yes," said I, "only a few hours since."
+
+"How fond these Germans are of titles," thought I.  Remembering that in
+Vienna every one is "his grace," I thought it might be Bavarian
+politeness to call every one his excellency.
+
+"You have not been presented, I believe?"
+
+"No," said I; "but I hope to take an early opportunity of paying 'mes
+homages' to his majesty."
+
+"I have just received his orders to present you now," replied he, with
+another bow.
+
+"The devil, you have," thought I.  "How very civil that."  And, although
+I had heard innumerable anecdotes of the free-and-easy habits of the
+Bavarian court, this certainly surprized me, so that I actually, to
+prevent a blunder, said, "Am I to understand you, Monsieur le Comte, that
+his majesty was graciously pleased"--
+
+"If you will follow me," replied the courtier, motioning with his chapeau;
+and in another moment I was elbowing my way through the mob of marquisses
+and duchesses, on my way to the raised platform where the king was
+standing.
+
+"Heaven grant I have not misunderstood all he has been saying," was my
+last thought as the crowd of courtiers fell back on either side, and I
+found myself bowing before his majesty.  How the grand mareschal entitled
+me I heard not; but when the king addressed me immediately in English,
+saying,
+
+"I hope your excellency has had a good journey?"
+
+I felt, "Come, there is no mistake here, Harry; and it is only another
+freak of fortune, who is now in good humour with you."
+
+The king, who was a fine, tall, well-built man, with a large, bushy
+moustache, possessed, though not handsome, a most pleasing expression;
+his utterance was very rapid, and his English none of the best, so that
+it was with the greatest difficulty I contrived to follow his questions,
+which came thick as hail upon me.  After some commonplaces about the
+roads, the weather, and the season, his majesty said,
+
+"My Lord Callonby has been residing some time here.  You know him?"  And
+then, not waiting for a reply, added, "Pleasant person--well informed
+--like him much, and his daughters, too, how handsome they are."  Here I
+blushed, and felt most awkwardly, while the king continued.
+
+"Hope they will remain some time--quite an ornament to our court.
+Monsieur le Comte, his excellency will dance?"  I here muttered an
+apology about my sprained ankle, and the king turned to converse with
+some of the ladies of the court.  His majesty's notice brought several
+persons now around me, who introduced themselves; and, in a quarter of an
+hour, I felt myself surrounded by acquaintances, each vieing with the
+other in showing me attention.
+
+Worse places than Munich, Master Harry, thought I, as I chaperoned a fat
+duchess, with fourteen quarterings, towards the refreshment-room, and had
+just accepted invitations enough to occupy me three weeks in advance.
+
+"I have been looking every where for your excellency," said the grand
+mareschal, bustling his way to me, breathless and panting.  "His majesty
+desires you will make one of his party at whist, so pray come at once."
+
+"Figaro qua, Figaro la," muttered I.  "Never was man in such request.
+God grant the whole royal family of Bavaria be not mad, for this looks
+very like it.  Lady Jane had better look sharp, for I have only to throw
+my eyes on an archduchess, to be king of the Tyrol some fine morning."
+
+"You play whist, of course; every Englishman does," said the king.  "You
+shall be my partner."
+
+Our adversaries were the Prince Maximilian, brother to his Majesty and
+the Prussian Ambassador.  As I sat down at the table, I could not help
+saying in my heart, "now is your time, Harry, if my Lord Callonby should
+see you, your fortune is made."  Waller passed at this moment, and as he
+saluted the king, I saw him actually start with amazement as he beheld
+me--"better fun this than figuring in the yellow plush, Master Jack," I
+muttered as he passed on actually thunder-struck with amazement.  But the
+game was begun, and I was obliged to be attentive.  We won the first
+game, and the king was in immense good humour as he took some franc
+pieces from the Prussian minister, who, small as the stake was, seemed
+not to relish losing.  His majesty now complimented me upon my play, and
+was about to add something when he perceived some one in the crowd, and
+sent an Aide de camp for him.
+
+"Ah, my Lord, we expected you earlier," and then said some words in too
+low a tone for me to hear, motioning towards me as he spoke.  If Waller
+was surprised at seeing me where I was, it was nothing to the effect
+produced upon the present party, whom I now recognized as Lord Callonby.
+Respect for the presence we were in, restrained any expression on either
+side, and a more ludicrous tableau than we presented can scarcely be
+conceived.  What I would have given that the whist party was over, I need
+not say, and certainly his majesty's eulogy upon my play came too soon,
+for I was now so "destrait and unhinged," my eyes wandering from the
+table to see if Lady Jane was near, that I lost every trick, and finished
+by revoking.  The king rose half pettishly, observing that "Son
+Excellence a apparement perdu la tete," and I rushed forward to shake
+hands with Lord Callonby, totally forgetting the royal censure in my
+delight at discovering my friend.
+
+"Lorrequer, I am indeed rejoiced to see you, and when did you arrive."
+
+"This evening."
+
+"This evening! and how the deuce have you contrived already, eh? why you
+seem quite chez vous here?"
+
+"You shall hear all," said I hastily, "but is Lady Callonby here?"
+
+"No.  Kilkee only is with me, there he is figuranting away in a gallope.
+The ladies were too tired to come, particularly as they dine at court
+to-morrow, the fatigue would be rather much."
+
+"I have his majesty's order to invite your Excellency to dinner
+to-morrow," said the grand Mareschal coming up at this instant.
+
+I bowed my acknowledgments, and turned again to Lord Callonby, whose
+surprise now seemed to have reached the climax.
+
+"Why Lorrequer, I never heard of this? when did you adopt this new
+career?"
+
+Not understanding the gist of the question, and conceiving that it
+applied to my success at court, I answered at random, something about
+"falling upon my legs, good luck, &c.," and once more returned to the
+charge, enquiring most anxiously for Lady Callonby's health.
+
+"Ah! she is tolerably well.  Jane is the only invalid, but then we hope
+Italy will restore her."  Just at this instant, Kilkee caught my eye, and
+rushing over from his place beside his partner, shook me by both hands,
+saying,
+
+"Delighted to see you here Lorrequer, but as I can't stay now, promise to
+sup with me to-night at the 'Cross'."
+
+I accepted of course, and the next instant, he was whirling along in his
+waltze, with one of the most lovely German girls I ever saw.  Lord
+Callonby saw my admiration of her, and as it were replying to my gaze,
+remarked,
+
+"Yes, very handsome indeed, but really Kilkee is going too far with it.
+I rely upon you very much to reason him out of his folly, and we have all
+agreed that you have most influence over him, and are most likely to be
+listened to patiently."
+
+Here was a new character assigned me, the confidential friend and adviser
+of the family, trusted with a most delicate and important secret, likely
+to bring me into most intimate terms of intercourse with them all, for
+the "we" of Lord Callonby bespoke a family consultation, in which I was
+deputed as the negociator.  I at once promised my assistance, saying, at
+the same time, that if Kilkee really was strongly attached, and had also
+reason to suppose that the Lady liked him, it was not exactly fair; that
+in short, if the matter had gone beyond flirtation, any interference of
+mine would be imprudent, if not impertinent.  Lord Callonby smiled
+slightly as he replied,
+
+"Quite right, Lorrequer, I am just as much against constraint as
+yourself, if only no great barriers exist; but here with a difference of
+religion, country, language, habits, in fact, everything that can create
+disparity, the thing is not to be thought of."
+
+I suspected that his Lordship read in my partial defence of Kilkee, a
+slight attempt to prop up my own case, and felt confused and embarrassed
+beyond measure at the detection.
+
+"Well, we shall have time enough for all this.  Now let us hear something
+of my old friend Sir Guy.  How is he looking?"
+
+"I am unfortunately unable to give you any account of him.  I left Paris
+the very day before he was expected to arrive there."
+
+"Oh then, I have all the news myself in that case, for in his letter
+which I received yesterday, he mentions that we are not to expect him
+before Tuesday."
+
+"Expect him.  Is he coming here then?"
+
+"Yes.  Why, I thought you were aware of that, he has been long promising
+to pay us a visit, and at last, by great persuasion, we have succeeded in
+getting him across the sea, and, indeed, were it not that he was coming,
+we should have been in Florence before this."
+
+A gleam of hope shot through my heart as I said to myself, what can this
+visit mean? and the moment after I felt sick, almost to fainting, as I
+asked if "my cousin Guy were also expected."
+
+"Oh yes.  We shall want him I should think" said Lord Callonby with a
+very peculiar smile.
+
+I thought I should have fallen at these few words.  Come, Harry, thought
+I, it is better to learn your fate at once.  Now or never; death itself
+were preferable to this continued suspense.  If the blow is to fall, it
+can scarcely sink me lower than I now feel: so reasoning, I laid my hand
+upon Lord Callonby's arm, and with a face pale as death, and a voice all
+but inarticulate, said,
+
+"My Lord, you will pardon, I am sure--"
+
+"My dear Lorrequer," said his lordship interrupting me, "for heaven's
+sake sit down.  How ill you are looking, we must nurse you, my poor
+fellow."
+
+I sank upon a bench--the light danced before my eyes--the clang of the
+music sounded like the roar of a waterfall, and I felt a cold
+perspiration burst over my face and forehead; at the same instant, I
+recognized Kilkee's voice, and without well knowing why, or how,
+discovered myself in the open air.
+
+"Come, you are better now," said Kilkee, "and will be quite well when you
+get some supper, and a little of the tokay, his majesty has been good
+enough to send us."
+
+"His majesty desires to know if his excellency is better," said an aide
+de camp.
+
+I muttered my most grateful acknowledgments.
+
+"One of the court carriages is in waiting for your excellency," said a
+venerable old gentleman in a tie wig, whom I recognized as the minister
+for foreign affairs--as he added in a lower tone to Lord Callonby, "I
+fear he has been greatly overworked lately--his exertions on the subject
+of the Greek loan are well known to his majesty."
+
+"Indeed," said Lord Callonby, with a start of surprise, "I never heard of
+that before."
+
+If it had not been for that start of amazement, I should have died of
+terror.  It was the only thing that showed me I was not out of my senses,
+which I now concluded the old gentleman must be, for I never had heard of
+the Greek loan in my life before.
+
+"Farewell, mon cher colleague," said the venerable minister as I got into
+the carriage, wondering as well I might what singular band of brotherhood
+united one of his majesty's __th with the minister for foreign affairs of
+the Court of Bavaria.
+
+When I arrived at the White-cross, I found my nerves, usually proof to
+any thing, so shaken and shattered, that fearing with the difficult game
+before me any mistake, however trivial, might mar all my fortunes for
+ever, I said a good night to my friends, and went to bed.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LIV.
+
+A DISCOVERY.
+
+"A note for Monsieur," said the waiter, awaking me at the same time from
+the soundest sleep and most delightful dream.  The billet was thus:--
+
+"If your excellency does not intend to slumber during the next
+twenty-four hours, it might be as well to remember that we are waiting
+breakfast.  Ever yours,
+
+"Kilkee."
+
+"It is true, then," said I--following up the delusion of my dream.  "It
+is true, I am really domesticated once more with the Callonbys.  My suit
+is prospering, and at length the long-sought, long-hoped for moment is
+come--"
+
+"Well, Harry," said Kilkee, as he dashed open the door.  "Well, Harry,
+how are you, better than last night, I hope?"
+
+"Oh yes, considerably.  In fact, I can't think what could have been the
+matter with me; but I felt confoundedly uncomfortable."
+
+"You did!  Why, man, what can you mean; was it not a joke?"
+
+"A joke," said I, with a start.
+
+"Yes, to be sure.  I thought it was only the sequel of the other humbug."
+
+"The sequel of the other humbug!"  Gracious mercy! thought I, getting
+pale with horror, is it thus he ventures to designate my attachment to
+his sister?
+
+"Come, come, it's all over now.  What the devil could have persuaded you
+to push the thing so far?"
+
+"Really, I am so completely in the dark as to your meaning that I only
+get deeper in mystery by my chance replies.  What do you mean?"
+
+"What do I mean!  Why, the affair of last night of course.  All Munich is
+full of it, and most fortunately for you, the king has taken it all in
+the most good-humoured way, and laughs more than any one else about it."
+
+Oh, then, thought I, I must have done or said something last night during
+my illness, that I can't remember now.  "Come, Kilkee, out with it.  What
+happened last night, that has served to amuse the good people of Munich?
+for as I am a true man, I forget all you are alluding to."
+
+"And don't remember the Greek Loan--eh?"
+
+"The Greek Loan!"
+
+"And your Excellency's marked reception by his Majesty?  By Jove though,
+it was the rarest piece of impudence I ever heard of; hoaxing a crowned
+head, quizzing one of the Lord's anointed is un peu trop fort."
+
+"If you really do not wish to render me insane at once, for the love of
+mercy say, in plain terms, what all this means."
+
+"Come, come, I see you are incorrigible; but as breakfast is waiting all
+this time, we shall have your explanations below stairs."
+
+Before I had time for another question Kilkee passed his arm within mine,
+and led me along the corridor, pouring out, the entire time a whole
+rhapsody about the practical joke of my late illness, which he was
+pleased to say would ring from one end of Europe to the other.
+
+Lord Callonby was alone in the breakfast-room when we entered, and the
+moment he perceived me called out,
+
+"Eh, Lorrequer, you here still?  Why, man, I thought you'd have been over
+the frontier early this morning?"
+
+"Indeed, my lord, I am not exactly aware of any urgent reason for so
+rapid a flight."
+
+"You are not!  The devil, you are not.  Why, you must surely have known
+his majesty to be the best tempered man in his dominions then, or you
+would never have played off such a ruse, though I must say, there never
+was anything better done.  Old Heldersteen, the minister for foreign
+affairs, is nearly deranged this morning about it--it seems that he was
+the first that fell into the trap; but seriously speaking, I think it
+would be better if you got away from this; the king, it is true, has
+behaved with the best possible good feeling; but--"
+
+"My lord, I have a favour to ask, perhaps, indeed in all likelihood the
+last I shall ever ask of your lordship, it is this--what are you alluding
+to all this while, and for what especial reason do you suggest my
+immediate departure from Munich?"
+
+"Bless my heart and soul--you surely cannot mean to carry the thing on
+any further--you never can intend to assume your ministerial functions by
+daylight?"
+
+"My what!--my ministerial functions."
+
+"Oh no, that were too much--even though his majesty did say--that you
+were the most agreeable diplomate he had met for a long time."
+
+"I, a diplomate."
+
+"You, certainly.  Surely you cannot be acting now; why, gracious mercy,
+Lorrequer! can it be possible that you were not doing it by design, do
+you really not know in what character you appeared last night?"
+
+"If in any other than that of Harry Lorrequer, my lord, I pledge my
+honour, I am ignorant."
+
+"Nor the uniform you wore, don't you know what it meant?"
+
+"The tailor sent it to my room."
+
+"Why, man, by Jove, this will kill me," said Lord Callonby, bursting into
+a fit of laughter, in which Kilkee, a hitherto silent spectator of our
+colloquy, joined to such an extent, that I thought he should burst a
+bloodvessel.  "Why man, you went as the Charge d'Affaires."
+
+"I, the Charge d'Affaires!"
+
+"That you did, and a most successful debut you made of it."
+
+While shame and confusion covered me from head to foot at the absurd and
+ludicrous blunder I had been guilty of, the sense of the ridiculous was
+so strong in me, that I fell upon a sofa and laughed on with the others
+for full ten minutes.
+
+"Your Excellency is, I am rejoiced to find, in good spirits," said Lady
+Callonby, entering and presenting her hand.
+
+"He is so glad to have finished the Greek Loan," said Lady Catherine,
+smiling with a half malicious twinkle of the eye.  Just at this instant
+another door opened, and Lady Jane appeared.  Luckily for me, the
+increased mirth of the party, as Lord Callonby informed them of my
+blunder, prevented their paying any attention to me, for as I half sprung
+forward toward her, my agitation would have revealed to any observer, the
+whole state of my feelings.  I took her hand which she extended to me,
+without speaking, and bowing deeply over it, raised my head and looked
+into her eyes, as if to read at one glance, my fate, and when I let fall
+her hand, I would not have exchanged my fortune for a kingdom.
+
+"You have heard, Jane, how our friend opened his campaign in Munich last
+night."
+
+"Oh, I hope, Mr. Lorrequer, they are only quizzing.  You surely could
+not--"
+
+"Could not.  What he could not--what he would not do, is beyond my
+calculation to make out," said Kilkee, laughing, "anything in life, from
+breaking an axletree to hoaxing a king;" I turned, as may be imagined, a
+deaf ear to this allusion, which really frightened me, not knowing how
+far Kilkee's information might lead, nor how he might feel disposed to
+use it.  Lady Jane turned a half reproachful glance at me, as if rebuking
+my folly; but in the interest she thus took in me, I should not have
+bartered it for the smile of the proudest queen in Christendom.
+
+Breakfast over, Lord Callonby undertook to explain to the Court the
+blunder, by which I had unwittingly been betrayed into personating the
+newly arrived minister, and as the mistake was more of their causing than
+my own, my excuses were accepted, and when his lordship returned to the
+hotel, he brought with him an invitation for me to dine at Court in my
+own unaccredited character.  By this time I had been carrying on the
+siege as briskly as circumstances permitted; Lady Callonby being deeply
+interested in her newly arrived purchases, and Lady Catherine being
+good-natured enough to pretend to be so also, left me, at intervals,
+many opportunities of speaking to Lady Jane.
+
+As I feared that such occasions would not often present themselves, I
+determined on making the best use of my time, and at once led the
+conversation towards the goal I aimed at, by asking, "if Lady Jane had
+completely forgotten the wild cliffs and rocky coast of Clare, amid the
+tall mountains and glaciered peaks of the Tyrol?"
+
+"Far from it," she replied.  "I have a most clear remembrance of bold
+Mogher and the rolling swell of the blue Atlantic, and long to feel its
+spray once more upon my cheek; but then, I knew it in childhood--your
+acquaintance with it was of a later date, and connected with fewer happy
+associations."
+
+"Fewer happy associations--how can you say so?  Was it not there the
+brightest hours of my whole life were passed, was it not there I first
+met--"
+
+"Kilkee tells me," said Lady Jane, interrupting me shortly, "that Miss
+Bingham is extremely pretty."
+
+This was turning my flank with a vengeance; so I muttered something about
+differences of tastes, &c. and continued, "I understand my worthy cousin
+Guy, had the good fortune to make your acquaintance in Paris."
+
+It was now her turn to blush, which she did deeply, and said nothing.
+
+"He is expected, I believe, in a few days at Munich," said I, fixing my
+eyes upon her, and endeavouring to read her thoughts; she blushed more
+deeply, and the blood at my own heart ran cold, as I thought over all I
+had heard, and I muttered to myself "she loves him."
+
+"Mr. Lorrequer, the carriage is waiting, and as we are going to the
+Gallery this morning, and have much to see, pray let us have your
+escort."
+
+"Oh, I am sure," said Catherine, "his assistance will be considerable
+--particularly if his knowledge of art only equals his tact in botany.
+Don't you think so, Jane?"--But Jane was gone.
+
+They left the room to dress, and I was alone--alone with my anxious, now
+half despairing thoughts, crowding and rushing upon my beating brain.
+She loves him, and I have only come to witness her becoming the wife of
+another.  I see it all, too plainly;--my Uncle's arrival--Lord Callonby's
+familiar manner--Jane's own confession.  All--all convince me, that my
+fate is decided.  Now, then, for one last brief explanation, and I leave
+Munich, never to see her more.  Just as I had so spoken, she entered.
+Her gloves had been forgotten in the room, and she came in not knowing
+that I was there.  What would I not have given at that moment, for the
+ready witted assurance, the easy self-possession, with which I should
+have made my advances had my heart not been as deeply engaged as I now
+felt it.  Alas!  My courage was gone; there was too much at stake, and
+I preferred, now, that the time was come, any suspense, any vacillation,
+to the dreadful certainty of refusal.
+
+These were my first thoughts, as she entered; how they were followed, I
+cannot say.  The same evident confusion of my brain, which I once felt
+when mounting the breach in a storm-party, now completely beset me; and
+as then, when death and destruction raged on every side, I held on my way
+regardless of every obstacle, and forgetting all save the goal before me;
+so did I now, in the intensity of my excitement, disregard every thing,
+save the story of my love, which I poured forth with that fervour which
+truth only can give.  But she spoke not,--her averted head,--her cold and
+tremulous hand, and half-drawn sigh were all that replied to me, as I
+waited for that one word upon which hung all my fortune.  At length her
+hand, which I scarcely held within my own, was gently withdrawn.  She
+lifted it to her eyes, but still was silent.
+
+"Enough," said I, "I seek not to pain you more.  The daring ambition that
+prompted me to love you, has met its heaviest retribution.  Farewell,
+--You, Lady Jane, have nothing to reproach yourself with--You never
+encouraged, you never deceived me.  I, and I alone have been to blame,
+and mine must be the suffering.  Adieu, then once more, and now for
+ever."
+
+She turned slowly round, and as the handkerchief fell from her hand,--her
+features were pale as marble,--I saw that she was endeavouring to speak,
+but could not; and at length, as the colour came slowly back to her
+cheek, her lips moved, and just as I leaned forward, with a beating heart
+to hear, her sister came running forward, and suddenly checked herself in
+her career, as she said, laughingly,--
+
+"Mille pardons, Jane, but his Excellency must take another occasion to
+explain the quadruple alliance, for mamma has been waiting in the
+carriage these ten minutes."
+
+I followed them to the door, placed them in the carriage, and was turning
+again towards the house, when Lady Callonby said--
+
+"Oh, Mr. Lorrequer, we count upon you--you must not desert us."
+
+I muttered something about not feeling well.
+
+"And then, perhaps, the Greek loan is engaging your attention," said
+Catherine; "or, mayhap, some reciprocity treaty is not prospering."
+
+The malice of this last sally told, for Jane blushed deeply, and I felt
+overwhelmed with confusion.
+
+"But pray come--the drive will do you good."
+
+"Your ladyship will, I am certain, excuse"--
+
+Just as I had got so far, I caught Lady Jane's eye, for the first time
+since we had left the drawing-room.  What I read there, I could not, for
+the life of me, say; but, instead of finishing my sentence, I got into
+the carriage, and drove off, very much to the surprise of Lady Callonby,
+who, never having studied magnetism, knew very little the cause of my
+sudden recovery.
+
+The thrill of hope that shot through my heart succeeding so rapidly the
+dark gloom of my despairing thoughts, buoyed me up, and while I whispered
+to myself, "all may not yet be lost," I summoned my best energies to my
+aid.  Luckily for me, I was better qualified to act as cicerone in a
+gallery than as a guide in a green-house; and with the confidence that
+knowledge of a subject ever inspires, I rattled away about art and
+artists, greatly to the edification of Lady Callonby--much to the
+surprise of Lady Catherine--and, better than all, evidently to the
+satisfaction of her, to win whose praise I would gladly have risked my
+life.
+
+"There," said I, as I placed my fair friend before a delicious little
+madonna of Carl Dolci--"there is, perhaps, the triumph of colouring--for
+the downy softness of that cheek--the luscious depth of that blue eye
+--the waving richness of those sunny locks, all is perfect--fortunately so
+beautiful a head is not a monopoly, for he painted many copies of this
+picture."
+
+"Quite true," said a voice behind, "and mine at Elton is, I think, if
+anything, better than this."
+
+I turned, and beheld my good old uncle, Sir Guy, who was standing beside
+Lady Callonby.  While I welcomed my worthy relative, I could not help
+casting a glance around to see if Guy were also there, and not perceiving
+him, my heart beat freely again.
+
+My uncle, it appeared, had just arrived, and lost no time in joining us
+at the gallery.  His manner to me was cordial to a degree; and I
+perceived that, immediately upon being introduced to Lady Jane, he took
+considerable pains to observe her, and paid her the most marked
+attention.
+
+The first moment I could steal unnoticed, I took the opportunity of
+asking if Guy were come.  That one fact were to me all, and upon the
+answer to my question, I hung with deep anxiety.
+
+"Guy here!--no, not yet.  The fact is, Harry, my boy, Guy has not got on
+here as well as I could have wished.  Everything had been arranged among
+us--Callonby behaved most handsomely--and, as far as regarded myself, I
+threw no impediment in the way.  But still, I don't know how it was, but
+Guy did not advance, and the matter now"--
+
+"Pray, how does it stand?  Have you any hopes to put all to rights
+again?"
+
+"Yes, Harry, I think, with your assistance, much may be done."
+
+"Oh, count upon me by all means," said I, with a sneering bitterness,
+that my uncle could not have escaped remarking, had his attention not
+been drawn off by Lady Callonby.
+
+What have I done--what sin did I meditate before I was born, that I
+should come into the world branded with failure in all I attempt?  Is it
+not enough that my cousin, my elder by some months, should be rich while
+I am poor--honoured and titled, while I am unknown and unnoticed?--but is
+he also to be preferred to me in every station in life?  Is there no
+feeling of the heart so sacred that it must not succumb to primogeniture?
+
+"What a dear old man Sir Guy is," said Catherine, interrupting my sad
+reflections, "and how gallant; he is absolutely flirting with Lady Jane."
+
+And quite true it was.  The old gentleman was paying his devoirs with a
+studied anxiety to please, that went to my very heart as I witnessed it.
+The remainder of that day to me was a painful and suffering one.  My
+intention of suddenly leaving Munich had been abandoned, why, I knew not.
+I felt that I was hoping against hope, and that my stay was only to
+confirm, by the most "damning proof," how surely I was fated to
+disappointment.  My reasonings all ended in one point.  If she really
+love Guy, then my present attentions can only be a source of unhappiness
+to her; if she do not, is there any prospect that from the bare fact of
+my attachment, so proud a family as the Callonbys will suffer their
+daughter to make a mere "marriage d'inclination?"
+
+There was but one answer to this question, and I had at last the courage
+to make it: and yet the Callonbys had marked me out for their attentions,
+and had gone unusually out of their way to inflict injury upon me, if all
+were meant to end in nothing.  If I only could bring myself to think that
+this was a systematic game adopted by them, to lead to the subsequent
+arrangement with my cousin!--if I could but satisfy my doubts on this
+head----What threats of vengeance I muttered, I cannot remember, for I
+was summoned at that critical moment to attend the party to the palace.
+
+The state of excitement I was in, was an ill preparative for the rigid
+etiquette of a court dinner.  All passed off, however, happily, and the
+king, by a most good-natured allusion to the blunder of the night before,
+set me perfectly at ease on that head.
+
+I was placed next to Lady Jane at dinner; and half from wounded pride,
+half from the momentarily increasing conviction that all was lost,
+chatted away gaily, without any evidence of a stronger feeling than the
+mere vicinity of a pretty person is sure to inspire.  What success this
+game was attended with I know not; but the suffering it cost me, I shall
+never cease to remember.  One satisfaction I certainly did experience
+--she was manifestly piqued, and several times turned towards the person
+on the other side of her, to avoid the tone of indifference in which I
+discussed matters that were actually wringing my own heart at the moment.
+Yet such was the bitterness of my spirit, that I set down this conduct
+on her part as coquetry; and quite convinced myself that any slight
+encouragement she might ever have given my attentions, was only meant
+to indulge a spirit of vanity, by adding another to the list of her
+conquests.
+
+As the feeling grew upon me, I suppose my manner to her became more
+palpably cutting, for it ended at last in our discontinuing to speak, and
+when we retired from the palace, I accompanied her to the carriage in
+silence, and wished her a cold and distant good night, without any
+advance to touch her hand at parting--and yet that parting, I had
+destined for our last.
+
+The greater part of that night I spent in writing letters.  One was to
+Jane herself owning my affection, confessing that even the "rudesse" of
+my late conduct was the fruit of it, and finally assuring her that
+failing to win from her any return of my passion, I had resolved never to
+meet her more--I also wrote a short note to my uncle, thanking him for
+all he had formerly done in my behalf, but coldly declining for the
+future, any assistance upon his part, resolving that upon my own efforts
+alone should I now rest my fortunes.  To Lord Callonby I wrote at greater
+length, recapitulating the history of our early intimacy, and accusing
+him of encouraging me in expectations, which, as he never intended to
+confirm them, were fated to prove my ruin.  More--much more I said, which
+to avow, I should gladly shrink from, were it not that I have pledged
+myself to honesty in these "Confessions," and as they depict the
+bitterness and misery of my spirit, I must plead guilty to them here.  In
+a word, I felt myself injured.  I saw no outlet for redress, and the only
+consolation open to my wounded pride and crushed affection, was to show,
+that if I felt myself a victim, at least I was not a dupe.  I set about
+packing up for the journey, whither, I knew not.  My leave was nearly
+expired, yet I could not bear the thought of rejoining the regiment.
+My only desire was to leave Munich, and that speedily.  When all my
+arrangements were completed I went down noiselessly to the inn yard to
+order post-horses by day-break, there to my surprise I found all activity
+and bustle.  Though so late at night, a courier had arrived from England
+for Lord Callonby, with some important dispatches from the Government;
+this would, at any other time, have interested me deeply; now I heard
+the news without a particle of feeling, and I made all the necessary
+dispositions for my journey, without paying the slightest attention to
+what was going on about me.  I had just finished, when Lord Callonby's
+valet came to say, that his lordship wished to see me immediately in his
+dressing room.  Though I would gladly have declined any further
+interview, I saw no means of escape, and followed the servant to his
+lordship's room.
+
+There I found Lord Callonby in his dressing gown and night cap,
+surrounded by papers, letters, despatch boxes, and red tape-tied parcels,
+that all bespoke business.
+
+"Lorrequer, sit down, my boy, I have much to say to you, and as we have
+no time to lose, you must forego a little sleep.  Is the door closed?
+I have just received most important news from England, and to begin,"
+here his lordship opened a letter and read as follow:--
+
+"My Lord--They are out at last--the majority on Friday increased to forty
+yesterday evening, when they resigned; the Duke has, meanwhile, assumed
+the reins till further arrangements can be perfected, and despatches are
+now preparing to bring all our friends about us.  The only rumours as yet
+are, L___, for the Colonies, H___, to the Foreign Office, W____ President
+of the Council, and we anxiously hope yourself Viceroy to Ireland.  In
+any case lose no time in coming back to England.  The struggle will be a
+sharp one, as the outs are distracted, and we shall want you much.  Ever
+yours, my dear lord,
+
+"Henry ____."
+
+"This is much sooner than I looked for, Lorrequer, perhaps almost than I
+wished; but as it has taken place, we must not decline the battle; now
+what I wanted with you is this--if I go to Ireland I should like your
+acceptance of the Private Secretary's Office.  Come, come, no objections;
+you know that you need not leave the army, you can become unattached,
+I'll arrange all that; apropos, this concerns you, it is from the Horse
+Guards, you need not read it now though, it is merely your gazette to the
+company; your promotion, however, shall not stop there; however, the
+important thing I want with you is this, I wish you to start for England
+to-morrow; circumstances prevent my going from this for a few days.  You
+can see L____ and W____, &c., and explain all I have to say; I shall
+write a few letters, and some hints for your own guidance; and as Kilkee
+never would have head for these matters, I look to your friendship to do
+it for me."
+
+Looking only to the post, as the proposal suited my already made resolve
+to quit Munich, I acceded at once, and assured Lord Callonby that I
+should be ready in an hour.
+
+"Quite right, Lorrequer, but still I shall not need this, you cannot
+leave before eleven or twelve o'clock, in fact I have another service to
+exact at your hands before we part with you; meanwhile, try and get some
+sleep, you are not likely to know anything of a bed before you reach the
+Clarendon."  So saying, he hurried me from the room, and as he closed the
+door, I heard him muttering his satisfaction, that already so far all had
+been well arranged.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER LV.
+
+CONCLUSION.
+
+Sleep came on me, without my feeling it, and amid all the distracting
+cares and pressing thoughts that embarrassed me, I only awoke when the
+roll of the caleche sounded beneath my window, and warned me that I must
+be stirring and ready for the road.
+
+Since it is to be thus, thought I, it is much better that this
+opportunity should occur of my getting away at once, and thus obviate all
+the unpleasantness of my future meeting with Lady Jane; and the thousand
+conjectures that my departure, so sudden and unannounced might give rise
+to.  So be it, and I have now only one hope more--that the terms we last
+parted on, may prevent her appearing at the breakfast table; with these
+words I entered the room, where the Callonbys were assembled, all save
+Lady Jane.
+
+"This is too provoking; really, Mr. Lorrequer," said Lady Callonby, with
+her sweetest smile, and most civil manner, "quite too bad to lose you
+now, that you have just joined us."
+
+"Come, no tampering with our party," said Lord Callonby, "my friend here
+must not be seduced by honied words and soft speeches, from the high road
+that leads to honours and distinctions--now for your instructions."  Here
+his lordship entered into a very deep discussion as to the conditions
+upon which his support might be expected, and relied upon, which Kilkee
+from time to time interrupted by certain quizzing allusions to the low
+price he put upon his services, and suggested that a mission for myself
+should certainly enter into the compact.
+
+At length breakfast was over, and Lord Callonby said, "now make your
+adieux, and let me see you for a moment in Sir Guy's room, we have a
+little discussion there, in which your assistance is wanting."  I
+accordingly took my farewell of Lady Callonby, and approached to do so to
+Lady Jane, but much to my surprise, she made me a very distant salute,
+and said in her coldest tone, "I hope you may have a pleasant journey."
+Before I had recovered my surprise at this movement, Kilkee came forward
+and offered to accompany me a few miles of the road.  I accepted readily
+the kind offer, and once more bowing to the ladies, withdrew.  And thus
+it is, thought I, that I leave all my long dreamed of happiness, and such
+is the end of many a long day's ardent expectation.  When I entered my
+uncle's room, my temper was certainly not in the mood most fit for
+further trials, though it was doomed to meet them.
+
+"Harry, my boy, we are in great want of you here, and as time presses, we
+must state our case very briefly.  You are aware, Sir Guy tells me, that
+your cousin Guy has been received among us as the suitor of my eldest
+daughter.  It has been an old compact between us to unite our families by
+ties still stronger than our very ancient friendship, and this match has
+been accordingly looked to, by us both with much anxiety.  Now, although
+on our parts I think no obstacle intervenes, yet I am sorry to say, there
+appear difficulties in other quarters.  In fact, certain stories have
+reached Lady Jane's ears concerning your cousin, which have greatly
+prejudiced her against him, and we have reason to think most unfairly;
+for we have succeeded in tracing some of the offences in question, not to
+Guy, but to a Mr. Morewood, who it seems has personated your cousin upon
+more than one occasion, and not a little to his disadvantage.  Now we
+wish you to sift these matters to the bottom, by your going to Paris as
+soon as you can venture to leave London--find out this man, and if
+possible, make all straight; if money is wanting, he must of course have
+it; but bear one thing in mind, that any possible step which may remove
+this unhappy impression from my daughter's mind, will be of infinite
+service, and never forgotten by us.  Kilkee too has taken some dislike to
+Guy.  You have only, however, to talk to him on the matter, and he is
+sure to pay attention to you."
+
+"And, Harry," said my uncle, "tell Guy, I am much displeased that he is
+not here, I expected him to leave Paris with me, but some absurd wager at
+the Jockey Club detained him."
+
+"Another thing, Harry, you may as well mention to your cousin, that Sir
+Guy has complied with every suggestion that he formerly threw out--he
+will understand the allusion."
+
+"Oh yes," said my uncle, "tell him roundly, he shall have Elton Hall; I
+have fitted up Marsden for myself; so no difficulty lies in that
+quarter."
+
+"You may add, if you like, that my present position with the government
+enables me to offer him a speedy prospect of a Regiment, and that I think
+he had better not leave the army."
+
+"And say that by next post Hamercloth's bond for the six thousand shall
+be paid off, and let him send me a note of any other large sum he owes."
+
+"And above all things, no more delays.  I must leave this for England
+inevitably, and as the ladies will probably prefer wintering in Italy--"
+
+"Oh certainly," said my uncle, "the wedding must take place."
+
+"I scarcely can ask you to come to us on the occasion, though I need not
+say how greatly we should all feel gratified if you could do so," said my
+Lord.
+
+While this cross fire went on from both sides, I looked from one to the
+other of the speakers.  My first impression being, that having perceived
+and disliked my attention to Lady Jane, they adopted this "mauvaise
+plaisanterie" as a kind of smart lesson for my future guidance.  My next
+impression was that they were really in earnest, but about the very
+stupidest pair of old gentlemen that ever wore hair powder.
+
+"And this is all," said I, drawing a long breath, and inwardly uttering a
+short prayer for patience.
+
+"Why, I believe, I have mentioned everything," said Lord Callonby,
+"except that if anything occurs to yourself that offers a prospect of
+forwarding this affair, we leave you a carte blanche to adopt it."
+
+"Of course, then," said I, "I am to understand that as no other
+difficulties lie in the way than those your Lordship has mentioned, the
+feelings of the parties, their affections are mutual."
+
+"Oh, of course, your cousin, I suppose, has made himself agreeable; he
+is a good looking fellow, and in fact, I am not aware, why they should
+not like each other, eh Sir Guy?"
+
+"To be sure, and the Elton estates run half the shire with your
+Gloucester property; never was there a more suitable match."
+
+"Then only one point remains, and that being complied with, you may
+reckon upon my services; nay, more, I promise you success.  Lady Jane's
+own consent must be previously assured to me, without this, I most
+positively decline moving a step in the matter; that once obtained,
+freely and without constraint, I pledge myself to do all you require."
+
+"Quite fair, Harry, I perfectly approve of your scruples," so saying, his
+Lordship rose and left the room.
+
+"Well, Harry, and yourself, what is to be done for you, has Callonby
+offered you anything yet?"
+
+"Yes sir, his Lordship has most kindly offered me the under secretaryship
+in Ireland, but I have resolved on declining it, though I shall not at
+present say so, lest he should feel any delicacy in employing me upon the
+present occasion."
+
+"Why, is the boy deranged--decline it--what have you got in the world,
+that you should refuse such an appointment."
+
+The colour mounted to my cheeks, my temples burned, and what I should
+have replied to this taunt, I know not, for passion had completely
+mastered me.  When Lord Callonby again entered the room, his usually calm
+and pale face was agitated and flushed; and his manner tremulous and
+hurried; for an instant he was silent, then turning towards my uncle,
+he took his hand affectionately, and said,
+
+"My good old friend, I am deeply, deeply grieved; but we must abandon
+this scheme.  I have just seen my daughter, and from the few words which
+we have had together, I find that her dislike to the match is invincible,
+and in fact, she has obtained my promise never again to allude to it.  If
+I were willing to constrain the feelings of my child, you yourself would
+not permit it.  So here let us forget that we ever hoped for, ever
+calculated on a plan in which both our hearts were so deeply interested."
+
+These words, few as they were, were spoken with deep feeling, and for the
+first time, I looked upon the speaker with sincere regard.  They were
+both silent for some minutes; Sir Guy, who was himself much agitated,
+spoke first.
+
+"So be it then, Callonby, and thus do I relinquish one--perhaps the only
+cheering prospect my advanced age held out to me.  I have long wished to
+have your daughter for my niece, and since I have known her, the wish has
+increased tenfold."
+
+"It was the chosen dream of all my anticipations," said Lord Callonby,
+"and now Jane's affections only--but let it pass."
+
+"And is there then really no remedy, can nothing be struck out?"
+
+"Nothing."
+
+"I am not quite so sure, my Lord," said I tremulously.
+
+"No, no, Lorrequer, you are a ready witted fellow I know, but this passes
+even your ingenuity, besides I have given her my word."
+
+"Even so."
+
+"Why, what do you mean, speak out man," said Sir Guy, "I'll give you ten
+thousand pounds on the spot if you suggest a means of overcoming this
+difficulty."
+
+"Perhaps you might not accede afterwards."
+
+"I pledge myself to it."
+
+"And I too," said Lord Callonby, "if no unfair stratagem be resorted to
+towards my daughter.  If she only give her free and willing consent, I
+agree."
+
+"Then you must bid higher, uncle, ten thousand won't do, for the bargain
+is well worth the money."
+
+"Name your price, boy, and keep your word."
+
+"Agreed then," holding my uncle to his promise, "I pledge myself that his
+nephew shall be husband of Lady Jane Callonby, and now, my Lord, read
+Harry vice Guy in the contract, and I am certain my uncle is too faithful
+to his plighted word, and too true to his promise not to say it shall
+be."
+
+The suddenness of this rash declaration absolutely stunned them both, and
+then recovering at the same moment, their eyes met.
+
+"Fairly caught, Guy" said Lord Callonby, "a bold stroke if it only
+succeeds."
+
+"And it shall, by G--," said my uncle, "Elton is yours, Harry, and with
+seven thousand a year, and my nephew to boot, Callonby won't refuse you."
+
+There are moments in life in which conviction will follow a bold "coup de
+main," that never would have ensued from the slow process of reasoning.
+Luckily for me, this was one of those happy intervals.  Lord Callonby
+catching my uncle's enthusiasm, seized me by the hand and said,
+
+"With her consent, Lorrequer, you may count upon mine, and faith
+if truth must be told, I always preferred you to the other."
+
+What my uncle added, I waited not to listen to; but with one bound sprung
+from the room--dashed up stairs to Lady Callonby's drawing-room--looked
+rapidly around to see if SHE were there, and then without paying the
+slightest attention to the questions of Lady Callonby and her younger
+daughter, was turning to leave the room, when my eye caught the flutter
+of a Cachmere shawl in the garden beneath.  In an instant the window was
+torn open--I stood upon the sill, and though the fall was some twenty
+feet, with one spring I took it, and before the ladies had recovered from
+their first surprise at my unaccountable conduct, put the finishing
+stroke to their amazement, by throwing my arms around Lady Jane, and
+clasping her to my heart.
+
+I cannot remember by what process I explained the change that had taken
+place in my fortunes.  I had some very vague recollection of vows of
+eternal love being mingled with praises of my worthy uncle, and the state
+of my affections and finances were jumbled up together, but still
+sufficiently intelligible to satisfy my beloved Jane--that this time at
+least, I made love with something more than my own consent to support me.
+Before we had walked half round the garden, she had promised to be mine;
+and Harry Lorrequer, who rose that morning with nothing but despair and
+darkness before him, was now the happiest of men.
+
+Dear reader, I have little more to confess.  Lord Callonby's politics
+were fortunately deemed of more moment than maidenly scruples, and the
+treasury benches more respected than the trousseau.  Our wedding was
+therefore settled for the following week.  Meanwhile, every day seemed
+to teem with its own meed of good fortune.  My good uncle, under whose
+patronage, forty odd years before, Colonel Kamworth had obtained his
+commission, undertook to effect the reconciliation between him and the
+Wallers, who now only waited for our wedding, before they set out for
+Hydrabad cottage, that snug receptacle of Curry and Madeira, Jack
+confessing that he had rather listen to the siege of Java, by that
+fire-side, than hear an account of Waterloo from the lips of the great
+Duke himself.
+
+I wrote to Trevanion to invite him to Munich for the ceremony, and the
+same post which informed me that he was en route to join us, brought also
+a letter from my eccentric friend O'Leary, whose name having so often
+occurred in these confessions, I am tempted to read aloud, the more so as
+its contents are no secret, Kilkee having insisted upon reading it to a
+committee of the whole family assembled after dinner.
+
+     "Dear Lorrequer,
+
+     "The trial is over, and I am acquitted, but still in St. Pelagie;
+     for as the government were determined to cut my head off if guilty,
+     so the mob resolved to murder me if innocent.  A pleasant place
+     this: before the trial, I was the most popular man in Paris; my face
+     was in every print shop; plaster busts of me, with a great organ
+     behind the ear, in all the thoroughfares; my autograph selling at
+     six and twenty sous, and a lock of my hair at five francs.  Now that
+     it is proved I did not murder the "minister at war," (who is in
+     excellent health and spirits) the popular feeling against me is very
+     violent; and I am looked upon as an imposter, who obtained his
+     notoriety under false pretences; and Vernet, who had begun my
+     picture for a Judas, has left off in disgust.  Your friend Trevanion
+     is a trump; he procured a Tipperary gentleman to run away with Mrs.
+     Ram, and they were married at Frankfort, on Tuesday last.  By the
+     by, what an escape you had of Emily: she was only quizzing you all
+     the time.  She is engaged to be married to Tom O'Flaherty, who is
+     here now.  Emily's imitation of you, with the hat a little on one
+     side, and a handkerchief flourishing away in one hand, is capital;
+     but when she kneels down and says, 'dearest Emily, &c.' you'd swear
+     it was yourself."--[Here the laughter of the auditory prevented
+     Kilkee proceeding, who, to my utter confusion, resumed after a
+     little.]--"Don't be losing your time making up to Lord Callonby's
+     daughter"--[here came another burst of laughter]--"they say here you
+     have not a chance, and moreover she's a downright flirt."--["It is
+     your turn now, Jane," said Kilkee, scarcely able to proceed.]
+     --"Besides that, her father's a pompous old Tory, that won't give a
+     sixpence with her; and the old curmudgeon, your uncle, has as much
+     idea of providing for you, as he has of dying."--[This last sally
+     absolutely convulsed all parties.]--"To be sure Kilkee's a fool, but
+     he is no use to you."--["Begad I thought I was going to escape,"
+     said the individual alluded to, "but your friend O'Leary cuts on
+     every side of him."]  The letter, after some very grave reflections
+     upon the hopelessness of my pursuit, concluded with a kind pledge to
+     meet me soon, and become my travelling companion.  Meanwhile, added
+     he, "I must cross over to London, and look after my new work, which
+     is to come out soon, under the title of 'the Loiterings of Arthur
+     O'Leary.'"
+
+This elegant epistle formed the subject of much laughter and conversation
+amongst us long after it was concluded; and little triumph could be
+claimed by any party, when nearly all were so roughly handled.  So passed
+the last evening I spent in Munich--the next morning I was married.
+
+THE END.
+
+
+
+
+
+EBOOK EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS FOR ALL VOLUMES:
+
+A c'est egal, mam'selle, they don't mind these things in France
+A rather unlady-like fondness for snuff
+A crowd is a mob, if composed even of bishops
+Accept of benefits with a tone of dissatisfaction
+Accustomed to the slowness and the uncertainty of the law
+Air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time
+Always a pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friend
+Amount of children which is algebraically expressed by an X
+And some did pray--who never prayed before
+Annoyance of her vulgar loquacity
+Brought a punishment far exceeding the merits of the case
+Chateaux en Espagne
+Chew over the cud of his misfortune
+Daily association sustains the interest of the veriest trifles
+Dear, dirty Dublin--Io te salute
+Delectable modes of getting over the ground through life
+Devilish hot work, this, said the colonel
+Disputing "one brandy too much" in his bill
+Empty, valueless, heartless flirtation
+Ending--I never yet met the man who could tell when it ended
+Enjoy the name without the gain
+Enough is as good as a feast
+Escaped shot and shell to fall less gloriously beneath champagne
+Every misfortune has an end at last
+Exclaimed with Othello himself, "Chaos was come again;"
+Fearful of a self-deception where so much was at stake
+Fighting like devils for conciliation
+Finish in sorrow what you have begun in folly
+Gardez vous des femmes, and more especially if they be Irish
+Green silk, "a little off the grass, and on the bottle"
+Had a most remarkable talent for selecting a son-in-law
+Had to hear the "proud man's contumely"
+Half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him
+Has but one fault, but that fault is a grand one
+Hating each other for the love of God
+He first butthers them up, and then slithers them down
+He was very much disguised in drink
+How ingenious is self-deception
+If such be a sin, "then heaven help the wicked"
+Indifferent to the many rebuffs she momentarily encountered
+Involuntary satisfaction at some apparent obstacle to my path
+Jaunting-cars, with three on a side and "one in the well"
+Least important functionaries took the greatest airs upon them
+Levelling character of a taste for play
+Listen to reason, as they would call it in Ireland
+Memory of them when hallowed by time or distance
+Might almost excite compassion even in an enemy
+Misfortune will find you out, if ye were hid in a tay chest
+Mistaking zeal for inclination
+Mistaking your abstraction for attention
+My English proves me Irish
+My French always shows me to be English
+Never able to restrain myself from a propensity to make love
+Nine-inside  leathern "conveniency," bumping ten miles an hour
+No equanimity like his who acts as your second in a duel
+Nothing seemed extravagant to hopes so well founded
+Nothing ever makes a man so agreeable as the belief that he is
+Now, young ladies, come along, and learn something, if you can
+Oh, the distance is nothing, but it is the pace that kills
+Opportunely been so overpowered as to fall senseless
+Other bottle of claret that lies beyond the frontier of prudence
+Packed jury of her relatives, who rarely recommend you to mercy
+Pleased are we ever to paint the past according to our own fancy
+Profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine
+Profuse in his legends of his own doings in love and war
+Rather better than people with better coats on them
+Rather a dabbler in the "ologies"
+Recovered as much of their senses as the wine had left them
+Respectable heir-loom of infirmity
+Seems ever to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity
+Sixteenthly, like a Presbyterian minister's sermon
+Stoicism which preludes sending your friend out of the world
+Strong opinions against tobacco within doors
+Suppose I have laughed at better men than ever he was
+Sure if he did, doesn't he take it out o' me in the corns?
+That vanity which wine inspires
+That "to stand was to fall,"
+That land of punch, priests, and potatoes
+The divil a bit better she was nor a pronoun
+The tone of assumed compassion
+The "fat, fair, and forty" category
+There are unhappily impracticable people in the world
+There is no infatuation like the taste for flirtation
+They were so perfectly contented with their self-deception
+Time, that 'pregnant old gentleman,' will disclose all
+Unwashed hands, and a heavy gold ring upon his thumb
+Vagabond if Providence had not made me a justice of the peace
+We pass a considerable portion of our lives in a mimic warfare
+What will not habit accomplish
+What we wish, we readily believe
+What we wish we readily believe
+When you pretended to be pleased, unluckily, I believed you
+Whenever he was sober his poverty disgusted him
+Whiskey, the appropriate liquor in all treaties of this nature
+Whose paraphrase of the book of Job was refused
+Wretched, gloomy-looking picture of woe-begone poverty
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer,
+Complete, by Charles James Lever (1806-1872)
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, COMPLETE ***
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