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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-05 20:53:45 -0800 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e1e1d71 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #51984 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/51984) diff --git a/old/51984-h.zip b/old/51984-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 1b5c935..0000000 --- a/old/51984-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/51984-h/51984-h.htm b/old/51984-h/51984-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 28b8bce..0000000 --- a/old/51984-h/51984-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2203 +0,0 @@ -<?xml version="1.0" encoding="us-ascii"?> - -<!DOCTYPE html - PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > - -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> - <head> - <title> - Thursday Evening, by Christopher Morley - </title> -<link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> - - body { margin:25%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} - P { margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } - H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } - hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} - .foot { margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; text-align: justify; font-size: 80%; font-style: italic;} - blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} - .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} - .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} - .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} - .xx-small {font-size: 60%;} - .x-small {font-size: 75%;} - .small {font-size: 85%;} - .large {font-size: 115%;} - .x-large {font-size: 130%;} - .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} - .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} - .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} - .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} - .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} - .indent40 { margin-left: 40%;} - div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } - div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } - .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} - .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} - .pagenum {position: absolute; right: 1%; font-size: 0.6em; - font-variant: normal; font-style: normal; - text-align: right; background-color: #FFFACD; - border: 1px solid; padding: 0.3em;text-indent: 0em;} - .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 15%; padding-left: 0.8em; - border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; - text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; - font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} - .head { float: left; font-size: 90%; width: 98%; padding-left: 0.8em; - border-left: dashed thin; text-align: center; - text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; - font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} - p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} - span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 0.8 } - pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} - -</style> - </head> - <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Thursday Evening, by Christopher Morley - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Thursday Evening - A Comedy in One Act - -Author: Christopher Morley - -Release Date: May 3, 2016 [EBook #51984] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THURSDAY EVENING *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - -</pre> - - <div style="height: 8em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h1> - THURSDAY EVENING - </h1> - <h3> - A Comedy in One Act - </h3> - <h2> - By Christopher Morley - </h2> - <h4> - Copyright, 1922, By Christopher Morley - </h4> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0007.jpg" alt="0007 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0007.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <b>CHARACTERS</b> - </p> - <p> - Gordon Johns, a Young Business Man - </p> - <p> - Laura, Mrs. Gordon Johns - </p> - <p> - Mrs. Sheffield, Lauras Mother - </p> - <p> - Mrs. Johns, Gordons Mother - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0010.jpg" alt="0010 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0010.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - THURSDAY EVENING - </h2> - <h3> - SCENE - </h3> - <p> - <i>A small suburban kitchen in the modest home of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon - Johns. A meal has recently been cooked, as is shown by a general confusion - of pots and pans and dish-cloths. At the rear, an icebox standing in the - corner. Rear, center, two shelved cabinets, one containing groceries and - household sundries, the other dishes and glassware. Rear, L, an oil range. - Some baby linen and very small shirts (such as would be suitable for a - child of about ten months') are hanging on a clothes-horse near the stove. - Boor R leads out to back porch; there are two windows in R wall, one each - side of door. Door L to diningroom. At the corner in the rear, L, door - opening on back stairs, which ascend to upper parts of the house. Down - stage, L, against side wall, a sink and oil-cloth covered drain-board or - shelf beside it. In the center of stage a small table covered with - oil-cloth. A kitchen chair in corner, down R.</i> - </p> - <p> - <i>When the scene opens, GORDON and LAURA are carrying in soiled dishes - through door, L. They come in and out several times, making methodical - arrangements for cleaning up. They pile the dishes on the shelf by the - sink. Gordon takes dishpan from a hook under the sink, and fills it with - hot water from the kettle on the stove. LAURA, who is an attractive little - person, aged about twenty-three, is in that slightly tense condition of a - young hostess who has had a long and trying day with house and baby, and - has also cooked and served a dinner for four.</i> - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - All right, Creature, just wait till I light my pipe and we'll polish this - up. (<i>Lights pipe and rolls up shirtsleeves.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>taking an apron from chair in corner</i>) - </p> - <p> - Put this on first. That's the only decent pair of trousers you've got. - </p> - <p> - (<i>Enter Mrs. Sheffield, carrying dishes.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Now you children run along and take it easy. I'll do all this. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - No, no, mother. You go and talk to Mrs. Johns. (<i>Pointedly.</i>) Don't - let her come in here. mrs. sheff (<i>ultramaternally</i>) - </p> - <p> - Poor baby, she's tired. You've been on your feet all day, now let Mother - wash up for you. That was a big dinner to cook. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - No tireder than you are, Mother darling. You cooked lunch. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Both of you clear out; I can get this done in no time. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - (<i>patting Laura's cheek</i>) - </p> - <p> - Busy with the baby all afternoon, and then cooking such a delicious dinner—Dearie, - won't you let Mother do this for you? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - There isn't room in this kitchen for everybody— (<i>Enter Mrs. - Johns, carrying dishes.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Gordon, you and Laura go and rest. Let the two grandmothers— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Now listen, little people, this is my job. I always wash up on Thursday - evenings— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - You go and read your newspaper. I can see you're all fagged out after that - long day in the office— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - (<i>to Laura</i>) - </p> - <p> - <i>Please</i> go and lie down, Baby. You're so tired. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>with waning patience</i>) - </p> - <p> - You two go and amuse yourselves; Gordon and I'll attend to this. (<i>They - gently eject the two mothers-in-law</i>.) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Come on, now, the good old system! (<i>He takes the small table from - center of stage, and puts it carefully midway between sink and dish - cabinet. Takes chair from corner, down R, and sets it beside table. Laura - sits down on chair and wipes silverware and dishes as he hands them to her - after washing</i>.) - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - The silver first, while the water's clean. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Right. We make a pretty good team at this, don't we? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>holds up a small silver jug</i>) - </p> - <p> - That darling old cream jug. Mother used that when she was a little girl. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I love our little Thursday evening suppers. I think they're more fun than - any other night. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I'm glad, Gordie. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - We get better grub on Thursdays, when Ethel goes out, than we ever do when - she's in. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I tried to have everything specially nice tonight. Some visitors are very - critical. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - It was lovely. I'm afraid it was hard for you, Creature, to have Mother - come just now. (<i>A short pause,</i>) Especially when <i>your</i> Mother - was here. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Didn't she know Mother was here? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - No. I hadn't told her. You see your Mother is here so much more often. I - didn't know your mother would still be here. I was afraid Mother might be - a little hurt— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Mother helps me a great deal. I think it's a queer thing if a wife can't - have her mother stay with her once in a while— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>aware of danger, changes the subject</i>) - </p> - <p> - Ye Gods, Ethel has cracked the Copenhagen platter. (<i>Laura is silent.</i>) - That's one of the set Mother gave us when we were married. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - It's a stock pattern. You can get another at any department store. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I'll bet that coon didn't empty the icebox pan before she went. I never - saw a cook yet who could remember to do that— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - If you had to go out and hunt for them you wouldn't be so particular. - She's better than no one. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>goes to icebox and removes a large, brimming pan from under it</i>) - </p> - <p> - What did I tell you! (<i>The water slops over from pan as he carries it - gingerly to sink and empties it. He replaces the pan under icebox.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - You'd better heat some more water. You've poured that ice-water into the - dishpan. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>getting a little peevish; refills kettle and puts it on stove</i>) - </p> - <p> - It's perfectly absurd not having any pantry to keep the icebox in. In - here, the heat of the stove melts the ice right away. (<i>Goes back to - icebox and slams its doors shut.</i>) Of course, she never keeps the doors - properly closed. (<i>He returns to sink and resumes dishwashing.</i>) It's - a funny thing. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - What is? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Why, that a presumably intelligent coon can't understand the doors of an - icebox are meant to be kept tight shut, to save ice. What does she suppose - those little clamps are for? (<i>Laura is silent. There is a pause, while - Gordon scrapes portions of food off the soiled plates. He examines some of - these plates rather carefully, and picks out several large pieces of meat, - lettuce, butter, etc. which he puts on one plate at one side. Then he - seems to resume his good humor and relights his pipe.</i>) Well, it's - jolly to have both the grandmothers here together, isn't it? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Gordon, dear, put the silver away in the sideboard before it gets wet - again. (<i>He gathers up silver from the table in front of her and exit L. - Laura steps outside door R, and returns, bringing garbage can, which she - puts down by the sink. She begins to wash dishes, and sees the plate of - odds and ends which Gordon has carefully put to one side. She scrapes its - contents into the garbage pail. While she is washings Gordon enter, L.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Now, Creature, let me do that. You don't want to spoil those pretty hands. - (<i>Takes them, with an attempt to be affectionate.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I guess it isn't any worse for them than washing the baby's things. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Come on, old man, let <i>me</i>. (<i>Gently removes her from sink, and - pushes her to the chair by the table. She sits down and wipes dishes as he - hands them to her.</i>) It doesn't take long when there are two of us. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Gordie, these dishes aren't properly clean. You can't get that grease off - without hot water. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I guess that kettle's hot by now. (<i>To stove, feels water in kettle.</i>) - Give it a minute longer. (<i>Stands by stove and puffs at his pipe. In a - moment of false security, he foolishly reopens a dangerous topic.</i>) You - know, I'm a little worried about Mother. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>putting away dishes</i>) - </p> - <p> - Why? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I don't think she's as well as usual. She hardly ate any of her salad. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>turns as though about to say somethings but checks herself and pauses - a moment. This time it is she who tries honorably to avert the gathering - storm</i>) - </p> - <p> - Oh, Gordie, I forgot to tell you! Junior drank out of a cup to-day—the - first time! - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - He did! The little rascal! - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Look, here's the cup. (<i>Shows a small silver cup.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>affectionately, putting his arm around her</i>) - </p> - <p> - Well, well. (<i>Looks at cup.</i>) What cup is that? I don't seem to - remember it— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Why—Mother brought it with her. She used it when she was a baby. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Where's that nice old Christening mug of mine? I think Junior would like - to use that once in a while, too. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I put it away, dear. I was afraid Ethel might dent it. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>takes kettle from stove, goes back to sink</i>) - </p> - <p> - I hope Mother isn't feeling poorly. I noticed at supper— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - When hot meat is served, refined people usually call it <i>dinner</i>— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>looks at her cautiously, and suddenly seems to realize that they are - on the edge of an abyss</i>) - </p> - <p> - Now, honey, you're tired. You go and rest, I'll finish up here. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - No, thank you. I like to see that everything gets cleaned up properly. - Someone might come snooping out here, and then there'd be hints about my - housekeeping. Of course, I'll admit I wasn't brought up to be a cook— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>seeks inspiration by relighting his pipe, and takes up a handsome - silver coffee pot</i>) - </p> - <p> - One thing I never can make out is, how to prevent coffee grounds from - going down the sink. (<i>He talks desperately, trying to tide over the - mutually realized danger point.</i>) Perhaps if I could invent some kind - of a little coffee-ground strainer I'd make our fortune. That coffee was - delicious, Creature. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Take care of that urn, it's one of the few handsome things we have. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - It <i>is</i> a beauty. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Jack Davis gave it to me— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>puts it down with distaste</i>) - </p> - <p> - I guess I'd better attend to the garbage. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>nervously</i>) - </p> - <p> - It's all fixed. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I always like Thursdays because that's the one evening Ethel doesn't get a - chance to throw away about five dollars' worth of good food. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I fixed the garbage. You can put the pail outside. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>hunting among plates on the shelf beside sink</i>) - </p> - <p> - Where's that plate I put here? There was a lot of perfectly good stuff I - saved— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>blows up at last</i>) - </p> - <p> - Well, if you think I'm going to keep a lot of halfeaten salad your Mother - picked over— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>seizes garbage pail, lifts it up to the sink and begins to explore its - contents. His fuse also is rapidly shortening.</i>) - </p> - <p> - My Lord, it's no wonder we never have any money to spend if we chuck half - of it away in waste. (<i>Picking out various selections</i>.) Waste! Look - at that piece of cheese, and those potatoes. You could take those things, - and some of this meat, and make a nice economical hash for lunch— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - It's a wonder you wouldn't get a job as a scavenger. I never <i>heard</i> - of a husband like you, rummaging through the garbage pail. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>blows up</i>) - </p> - <p> - Do you know what the one unforgivable sin is? The sin against the Holy - Ghost? It's <i>Waste!</i> It makes me wild to think of working and working - like a dog, and half of what I earn just thrown away by an ignorant coon. - Look at this, just look at it! (<i>Displays a grisly object.</i>) There's - enough meat on that bone to make soup. And ye gods, here's that jar of - anchovy paste! (<i>Holds it up.</i>) I thought you got that for me as a - little treat. I wondered where it had gone to. Why, I hadn't eaten more - than just the top of it. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Well, you left it, and left it, and it got mildewed. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Scrape it off. A little mildew won't hurt anybody. There'll be mildew on - my bank account if this kind of thing goes on. (<i>Still examining garbage - pail.</i>) Look here, about half a dozen slices of bread. What's the - matter with <i>them</i>, I'd like to know. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I think it's the most disgusting thing I ever heard of. To go picking over - the garbage pail like that. You attend to your affairs and I'll attend to - mine. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I guess throwing away good, hard-earned money is my affair, isn't it? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - You're always quick enough to find fault. I know Ethel's careless, but - she's the best I can get out here in this godforsaken suburb. Maybe you'll - be good enough to find me a better servant. A well-trained girl wouldn't - work in this old dump, where there isn't even gas. You don't seem to know - when you're lucky. You come back at night and find your home well cared - for and me slaving over a hot dinner, and do you ever say a word of - thanks? No, all you can think of is finding fault. I can't imagine how you - were brought up. Your Mother— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Just leave my mother out of it. I guess she didn't spoil me the way yours - did you. Of course, I wasn't an only daughter— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I wish you had been. Then I wouldn't have married you. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I suppose you think that if you'd married Jack Davis or some other of - those profiteers you'd never have had to see the inside of a kitchen— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - If Junior grows up with your disposition, all I can say is, I hope he'll - never get married. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - If he gets married, I hope it'll be to some girl who understands something - about economy— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - If he gets married, I hope he'll be man enough not to be always finding - fault— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Well, he <i>won't</i> get married! I'll put him wise to what marriage - means, fussing like this all the time— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Yes, he <i>will</i> get married. He <i>shall</i> get married! - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Oh, this is too absurd— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - He <i>shall</i> get married, just to be a humiliating example to his - father. I'll bring him up the way a husband <i>ought</i> to be. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - In handcuffs, I suppose— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - And his wife won't have to sit and listen to perpetual criticism from his - mother— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - If you're so down on mothers-in-law, it's queer you're anxious to be one - yourself. The expectant mother-in-law! - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - All right, be vulgar. I dare say you can't help it. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Great Scott, what did you think marriage was like, anyway? Did you expect - to go through life having everything done for you, without a little hard - work to make it interesting? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Is it necessary to shout? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Now let me tell you something. Let's see if you can ratify it from your - extensive observation of life. Is there anything in the world so cruel as - bringing up a girl in absolute ignorance of housework, believing that all - her days she's going to be waited on hand and foot, and that marriage is - one long swoon of endearments— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - There's not much swooning while you're around. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Why, I believe you actually think your life is wrecked if you aren't being - petted and praised every minute. You pretend to think marriage is so - sacred and yet you're buffaloed by a few greasy dishes. I like my kind of - sacredness better than yours, and that's the sacredness of common sense. - Marriage ought not to be performed before an altar, but before a kitchen - sink. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>furiously</i>) - </p> - <p> - I ought to have known that oil and water won't mix. I ought to have known - that a vulgar, selfish, conceited man couldn't make a girl happy who was - brought up in a refined family. - </p> - <p> - I was a Sheffield, and why I ever became a Johns is more than I can - imagine, Johns—I suppose that's camouflage for Jones. You're too - common, too ordinary, to know when you're lucky. You get a charming - aristocratic wife and expect her to grub along like a washerwoman. You try - to crush all the life and spirit out of her. You ought to have married an - icebox—that's the only thing in this house you're really attentive - to. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Now listen— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>will not be checked</i>) - </p> - <p> - Talk about being spoiled—why, your Mother babies you so, you think - you're the only man on earth. (<i>Sarcastically</i>.) Her poor, overworked - boy, who tries so hard and gets all fagged out in the office and struggles - so nobly to support his family! I wonder how you'd like to run this house - and bear a child and take care of it and shuffle along with an ignorant - coon for a maid and then cook a big dinner and be sneered at and never a - word of praise. All you can think of is picking over the garbage pail and - finding fault— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>like a fool</i>) - </p> - <p> - I didn't find fault. I found some good food being wasted. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - All right, if you love the garbage pail better than you do your wife, you - can live with it. (<i>Flings her dishtowel on the floor and exit, L.</i>) - </p> - <p> - (<i>Gordon stands irresolutely at the sink, and makes a few gloomy motions - among the unfinished dishes. He glares at the garbage can. Then he - carefully gathers those portions of food that he had chosen as being still - usable, contemplates them grimly, then puts them on a plate and, after - some hesitation, puts the plate in the icebox. He takes the garbage can - and puts it outside door, R. He returns into the kitchen, but then a - sudden fit of anger seizes him.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - It's always the way! (<i>Tears off apron, throws it on the floor, and exit - R, slamming door.</i>) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - (<i>After a brief pause, the door at the rear opening onto the back - stairs, is cautiously opened, and Mrs. Sheffield enters quietly. She takes - one swift look around the disordered kitchen, picks up dishtowel and apron - from the floor, and sets to work rapidly to clean up. Then the back stairs - door is again opened in the same stealthy way, and Mrs. Johns enters. The - two ladies seem to take each other's measure with instinctive shrewdness, - and fall into a silent, businesslike team-play in putting things to - rights. Mrs. Johns takes charge at the sink, and the remaining dishes spin - under her capable hands. Mrs. Sheffield takes them from her, rapidly - polishes them, and puts them away on the shelves. There is unconscious - comedy in the trained precision and labor-saving method of their actions, - which are synchronized so that every time Mrs. Johns holds out a washed - dish, Mrs. Sheffield is moving back from the cabinet, ready to receive it. - They work like automatons, for perhaps two minutes not a word is said, and - the two seem, by searching side-glances, to be probing each other's mood.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - If it wasn't so tragic I'd laugh. (<i>A pause, during which they work - busily.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - If it wasn't so comic I'd cry. (<i>Another pause.</i>) I guess it's my - fault. Poor Laura, I'm afraid I <i>have</i> spoiled her. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - <i>My</i> fault, I think. Two mothers-in-law at once is too much for any - young couple. I didn't know you were here, or I wouldn't have come. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Laura is so dreadfully sensitive, poor child— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Gordon works so hard at the office. You know he's trying to get promoted - to the sales department, and I suppose it tells on his nerves— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - If Laura could afford to have a nurse to help her with the baby she - wouldn't get so exhausted— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Gordon says he wants to take out some more insurance, that's why he - worries so about economy. It isn't for himself, he's really very unselfish— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - (<i>a little tartly</i>) - </p> - <p> - Still, I do think that sometimes—(<i>They pause and look at each - other quickly.</i>) My gracious, we'll be at it ourselves if we don't look - out! - </p> - <p> - (<i>She goes to the clothes-horse and rearranges the garments on it. She - holds up a lilliputian shirt, and they both smile.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - That darling baby! I hope he won't have poor Gordon's quick temper. It - runs in the Johns family, I'm afraid. I was an Armstrong before I married - Gordon's father—I didn't know what temper was until I married—either - my own or his. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - I was a Thomson—Thomson without the P, you know, from Rhode Island. - All families are hot tempered. All husbands' families, anyway. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Gordon's father used to say that Adam and Eve didn't know when they were - well off. He said that was why they called it the Garden of Eden. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Why? - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Because there was no mother-in-law there. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Poor children, they have such a lot to learn! I really feel ashamed, Mrs. - Johns, because Laura is an undisciplined little thing, and I'm afraid I've - always petted her too much. She had such a lot of attention before she met - Gordon, and was made so much of, it gave her wrong ideas. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - I wish Gordon was a little younger, I'd like to turn him up and spank him. - He's dreadfully stubborn and tactless— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - But I'm afraid I <i>did</i> make a mistake. Laura was having such a good - time as a girl, I was always afraid she'd have a hard awakening when she - married. But Mr. Sheffield had a good deal of money at that time, and he - used to say, 'She's only young once, let her enjoy herself.' - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - My husband was shortsighted, too. He had had to skimp so, that he brought - up Gordon to have a terror of wasting a nickel. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Very sensible. I wish Mr. Sheffield had had a little more of that terror. - I shall have to tell him what his policy has resulted in. But really, you - know, when I heard them at it, I could hardly help admiring them. (<i>With - a sigh.</i>) It brings back old times! - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - So it does! (<i>A pause.</i>) But we can't let them go on like this. A - little vigorous quarreling is good for everybody. It's a kind of spiritual - laxative. But they carry it too far. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - They're awfully ingenious. They were even bickering about Junior's future - mother-in-law. I suppose she's still in school, whoever she may be! - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Being a mother-in-law is almost as painful as being a mother. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - I think every marriage ought to be preceded by a treaty of peace between - the two mothers. If they understand each other, everything will work out - all right. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - You're right. When each one takes sides with her own child, it's fatal. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - (<i>lowering her voice</i>) - </p> - <p> - Look here, I think I know how we can make them ashamed of themselves. - Where are they now? - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - (<i>goes cautiously to door L and peeps through</i>) - </p> - <p> - Laura is lying on the couch in the living-room. I think she's crying—her - face is buried in the cushions. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Splendid. That means she's listening with all her ears—(<i>Tiptoes - to window, R.</i>) I can't see Gordon, but I think he's walking round the - garden— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - (<i>quietly</i>) - </p> - <p> - If we were to talk a little louder he'd sit on the back steps to hear it— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Exactly. Now listen! (<i>They put their heads together and whisper; the - audience does not hear what is said.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Fine! Oh, that's fine! (<i>Mrs. Sheffield whispers again, inaudible to the - spectators.</i>) But wait a moment. Don't you think it would be better if - <i>I</i> praise Laura and <i>you</i> praise Gordon? They won't expect - that, and it might shame them— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - No, no! Don't you see—(<i>Whispers again, inaudibly</i>.) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - You're right. Cunning as serpents and harmless as doves—(<i>They - carefully set both doors, L and R ajar.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - I only hope we won't wake the baby—(<i>They return to the task of - cleaning up, and talk very loudly in pretended quarrel.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Where do these dessert plates go? - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - On this shelf. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - You're here so much more often than I, naturally you know Laura's - arrangements better. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - It's a lucky thing I <i>am</i> here. I don't know what poor Laura would do - without me at such a dreadful time— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - <i>Poor</i> Laura! I should say she's very fortunate, such a good husband— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - I think it's rather sad for a girl who has had as much as she has, to come - down to this— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - It's perfectly wonderful how Gordon has got on in business— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - He ought to, with such a lovely home, run like a clock— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Yes. An alarm clock. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Well, I'm not going to see my daughter's happiness ruined— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - I always knew he'd make some girl a fine husband— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Perhaps. But he seems to have picked the wrong girl. Laura has too much - spirit to be bullied— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Well, perhaps it was all a mistake. Poor Gordon, he works so hard. I - believe his hair is going white over his ears already. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Stuff! That's lather from where he shaved this morning. He's too slovenly - to wash it off. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - It isn't right that a young man should have to slave the way he does— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - (<i>apparently in a passion</i>) - </p> - <p> - Do you think that business slavery can compare to household slavery? I - think it's heartrending to see an attractive girl like Laura shut up in a - poky little house doing drudgery and tending a baby. Think of it, having - to take care of her own baby! Why, it's an outrage. If Gordon was half a - man, he'd get her a trained baby nurse so she wouldn't have to <i>look</i> - at the poor little thing— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - (<i>scathing</i>) - </p> - <p> - Yes, how sad that Gordon should have to entrust his son to amateur care - when it needs scientific attention. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Poor darling Laura—she never ought to have had a baby. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Gordon is too intellectual to be bothered with these domestic details. He - ought to be able to concentrate on his work. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - (<i>coming close to Mrs. Johns, feigning great rage, but grimacing to show - it is merely acting</i>) - </p> - <p> - Well, if you don't think my daughter is good enough for your son, I can - always take her home with <i>me</i>. I guess I can find room for her, and - we can put the child in an institution. (<i>Both nearly laughs but recover - themselves</i>.) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Don't worry. <i>I'll</i> take the child. He's a Johns anyway, not a - Sheffield. And you just watch Gordon, when he's relieved of all this - family worry and quarreling. He'll make his mark in the world. He's too - fine to be tied down by a wife that doesn't understand him. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Oh, how happy Laura will be to hear this. My sweet, clever, attractive, - economical, sensible little girl, free at last. Her married life has been - a nightmare. That great, hulking, selfish man has tried to trample all the - joy out of her. He shan't do it. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - I never heard of a young husband as self-sacrificing as Gordon. I don't - believe he <i>ever</i> goes out for an evening with other men, and he <i>never</i> - spends anything on himself— - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - I think the way Laura runs her little home is just wonderful. See how she - struggles to keep her kitchen in order—this miserable, inconvenient - little kitchen, no gas, no pantry, no decent help. I think it's <i>terrible</i> - she has had to put up with so much—(<i>They pause, and listen at the - door, L. The kitchen is now spick and span. Mrs. Johns makes a gesture to - indicate that Laura is taking it all in, offstage.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - Well, then, it's all settled. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - Yes. As Laura's mother, I can't let her go on like this. A husband, a - home, and a baby—it's enough to ruin any woman. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. JOHNS - </h3> - <p> - It's only fair to both sides to end it all. I never heard of such brutal - hardships. Gordon can't fight against these things any longer. Throwing - away a soupbone and three slices of bread! I wonder he doesn't go mad. - </p> - <h3> - MRS. SHEFF - </h3> - <p> - We've saved them just in time. (<i>They look at each other knowingly, with - the air of those who have done a sound bit of work, Then they stealthily - open the door at the rear, and exeunt up the back stairs,</i>) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - (<i>There is a brief pause; then the door L opens like an explosion, and - Laura bursts in, She stands for a moment, wild-eyed, stamps her foot in a - passion, Then she seizes one of the baby shirts from the rack, and drops - into the chair by the table, crying. She buries her head in her arms, - concealing the shirt, Enter Gordon, R, He stands uncertainly, evidently - feeling like a fool.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I'm sorry, I—I left my pipe in here. (<i>Finds it by the sink,</i>) - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>her face still hidden</i>) - </p> - <p> - Oh, Gordie, <i>was</i> it all a mistake? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>troubled, pats her shoulder tentatively</i>) - </p> - <p> - Now listen, Creature, don't. You'll make yourself sick. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I never thought I'd hear such things—from my own mother. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I never heard such rot. They must be mad, both of them. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Then you were listening, too— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Yes. Why, they're deliberately trying to set us against each other. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - They wouldn't have <i>dared</i> speak like that if they had known we could - hear. Gordon, I don't think it's <i>legal</i>— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I'm afraid the law doesn't give one much protection against one's mothers. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>miserably</i>) - </p> - <p> - I guess she's right. I <i>am</i> spoiled, and I <i>am</i> silly, and I <i>am</i> - extravagant— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Don't be silly, darling. That's crazy stuff. I'm <i>not</i> overworked, - and even if I were I'd love it, for you— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I don't <i>want</i> a nurse for Junior. I wouldn't have one in the house. - (<i>Sits up, dishevelled, and displays the small shirt she has been - clutching.</i>) Gordon, I'm <i>not</i> an amateur! I love that baby and I - <i>am</i> scientific. I keep a chart of his weight every week. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Yes, I know, ducky, Gordon understands. Soon we'll be able to buy that - scales you want, and we won't have to weigh him on the meat balance. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - <i>Nobody</i> can take away my darling baby— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - It was my fault, dear. I <i>am</i> obstinate and disagreeable— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I'll speak to Ethel about the garbage— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Ethel's all right. We're lucky to have her. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Gordon, you mustn't work too hard. You know you're all I have—(<i>A - sob</i>.) since Mother's gone back on me. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>patting her</i>) - </p> - <p> - I think it's frightful, the things they said. What are they trying to do, - break up a happy home? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - We <i>are</i> happy, aren't we? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Well, I should say so. Did you ever hear me complain? (<i>Takes her in his - arms</i>.) - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - No, Gordie. It was cruel of them to try to make trouble between us—but, - perhaps, some of the things they said— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Were true?— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Well, not exactly true, dear, but—interesting! —your mother is - right, you <i>do</i> have a hard time, and I'll try— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>stops her</i>) - </p> - <p> - No, <i>your</i> mother is right. I've been a brute— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I'm lucky to have such a husband—(<i>They are silent a moment</i>.) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - I suppose you'll think it an awful anticlimax— - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - What, dear? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Suppose we have something to eat? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>happily</i>) - </p> - <p> - Good idea. Quarreling always makes me hungry. (<i>They go to the icebox</i>.) - I didn't really get any supper to speak of, I was worrying about - everything so— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>opening icebox</i>) - </p> - <p> - You mean <i>dinner</i>, honey—among refined people! - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Don't be a tease. Come on, we'll have a snack— (<i>She discovers - Gordon s plate of left-overs</i>.) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Throw out that junk—I was idiotic to save it. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - No, Gordie, you were quite right. We must save everything we can. Four or - five heads of lettuce would make a new shirt for Junior. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - (<i>bewildered</i>) - </p> - <p> - Lettuce? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - I mean, if we saved that much, it would make enough money to buy him a new - little vest. He's getting so enormous—(<i>She puts plate of - left-overs on the table, with some other cold food.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - There, now, this is better. (<i>They sit down at table.</i>) - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>thoughtfully</i>) - </p> - <p> - You know, Gordie, we mustn't let them know we heard them. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - No, I suppose not. But it's hard to forgive that sort of talk. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Even if they did say atrocious things, I think they really love us— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - We'll be a bit cold and stand-offish until things blow over. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - (<i>complacently</i>) - </p> - <p> - If I'm ever a mother-in-law, I shall try to be <i>very</i> understanding— - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Yes, Creature. Do you remember why I call you Creature? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Do I not? - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - There was an adjective omitted, you remember. - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Oh, Gordie, that's one of the troubles of married life. So many of the - nice adjectives seem to get omitted. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - Motto for married men: Don't run short of adjectives!—You remember - what the adjective was? - </p> - <h3> - LAURA - </h3> - <p> - Tell me. - </p> - <h3> - GORDON - </h3> - <p> - <i>Adorable</i>, It was an abbreviation for Adorable Creature—(<i>Holds - her, They are both perfectly happy</i>.) I love our little Thursday - evenings. laura (<i>partly breaks from his embrace</i>) - </p> - <p> - Sssh! (<i>Listens,</i>) Was that the baby? - </p> - <h3> - CURTAIN - </h3> - <div style="height: 6em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Thursday Evening, by Christopher Morley - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THURSDAY EVENING *** - -***** This file should be named 51984-h.htm or 51984-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/8/51984/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Thursday Evening - A Comedy in One Act - -Author: Christopher Morley - -Release Date: May 3, 2016 [EBook #51984] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THURSDAY EVENING *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -THURSDAY EVENING - -A Comedy in One Act - -By Christopher Morley - -Copyright, 1922, By Christopher Morley - - -[Ill 0007] - - -CHARACTERS - -Gordon Johns, a Young Business Man - -Laura, Mrs. Gordon Johns - -Mrs. Sheffield, Lauras Mother - -Mrs. Johns, Gordons Mother - - - -[Ill 0010] - - - - -THURSDAY EVENING - - -SCENE - -_A small suburban kitchen in the modest home of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon -Johns. A meal has recently been cooked, as is shown by a general -confusion of pots and pans and dish-cloths. At the rear, an icebox -standing in the corner. Rear, center, two shelved cabinets, one -containing groceries and household sundries, the other dishes and -glassware. Rear, L, an oil range. Some baby linen and very small shirts -(such as would be suitable for a child of about ten months') are hanging -on a clothes-horse near the stove. Boor R leads out to back porch; there -are two windows in R wall, one each side of door. Door L to diningroom. -At the corner in the rear, L, door opening on back stairs, which ascend -to upper parts of the house. Down stage, L, against side wall, a sink -and oil-cloth covered drain-board or shelf beside it. In the center of -stage a small table covered with oil-cloth. A kitchen chair in corner, -down R._ - -_When the scene opens, GORDON and LAURA are carrying in soiled dishes -through door, L. They come in and out several times, making methodical -arrangements for cleaning up. They pile the dishes on the shelf by the -sink. Gordon takes dishpan from a hook under the sink, and fills it -with hot water from the kettle on the stove. LAURA, who is an attractive -little person, aged about twenty-three, is in that slightly tense -condition of a young hostess who has had a long and trying day with -house and baby, and has also cooked and served a dinner for four._ - -GORDON - -All right, Creature, just wait till I light my pipe and we'll polish -this up. (_Lights pipe and rolls up shirtsleeves._) - -LAURA - -(_taking an apron from chair in corner_) - -Put this on first. That's the only decent pair of trousers you've got. - -(_Enter Mrs. Sheffield, carrying dishes._) - -MRS. SHEFF - -Now you children run along and take it easy. I'll do all this. - -LAURA - -No, no, mother. You go and talk to Mrs. Johns. (_Pointedly._) Don't let -her come in here. mrs. sheff (_ultramaternally_) - -Poor baby, she's tired. You've been on your feet all day, now let Mother -wash up for you. That was a big dinner to cook. - -LAURA - -No tireder than you are, Mother darling. You cooked lunch. - -GORDON - -Both of you clear out; I can get this done in no time. - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_patting Laura's cheek_) - -Busy with the baby all afternoon, and then cooking such a delicious -dinner--Dearie, won't you let Mother do this for you? - -LAURA - -There isn't room in this kitchen for everybody-- (_Enter Mrs. Johns, -carrying dishes._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon, you and Laura go and rest. Let the two grandmothers-- - -GORDON - -Now listen, little people, this is my job. I always wash up on Thursday -evenings-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -You go and read your newspaper. I can see you're all fagged out after -that long day in the office-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_to Laura_) - -_Please_ go and lie down, Baby. You're so tired. - -LAURA - -(_with waning patience_) - -You two go and amuse yourselves; Gordon and I'll attend to this. (_They -gently eject the two mothers-in-law_.) - -GORDON - -Come on, now, the good old system! (_He takes the small table from -center of stage, and puts it carefully midway between sink and dish -cabinet. Takes chair from corner, down R, and sets it beside table. -Laura sits down on chair and wipes silverware and dishes as he hands -them to her after washing_.) - -LAURA - -The silver first, while the water's clean. - -GORDON - -Right. We make a pretty good team at this, don't we? - -LAURA - -(_holds up a small silver jug_) - -That darling old cream jug. Mother used that when she was a little girl. - -GORDON - -I love our little Thursday evening suppers. I think they're more fun -than any other night. - -LAURA - -I'm glad, Gordie. - -GORDON - -We get better grub on Thursdays, when Ethel goes out, than we ever do -when she's in. - -LAURA - -I tried to have everything specially nice tonight. Some visitors are -very critical. - -GORDON - -It was lovely. I'm afraid it was hard for you, Creature, to have Mother -come just now. (_A short pause,_) Especially when _your_ Mother was -here. - -LAURA - -Didn't she know Mother was here? - -GORDON - -No. I hadn't told her. You see your Mother is here so much more often. -I didn't know your mother would still be here. I was afraid Mother might -be a little hurt-- - -LAURA - -Mother helps me a great deal. I think it's a queer thing if a wife -can't have her mother stay with her once in a while-- - -GORDON - -(_aware of danger, changes the subject_) - -Ye Gods, Ethel has cracked the Copenhagen platter. (_Laura is silent._) -That's one of the set Mother gave us when we were married. - -LAURA - -It's a stock pattern. You can get another at any department store. - -GORDON - -I'll bet that coon didn't empty the icebox pan before she went. I never -saw a cook yet who could remember to do that-- - -LAURA - -If you had to go out and hunt for them you wouldn't be so particular. -She's better than no one. - -GORDON - -(_goes to icebox and removes a large, brimming pan from under -it_) - -What did I tell you! (_The water slops over from pan as he carries it -gingerly to sink and empties it. He replaces the pan under icebox._) - -LAURA - -You'd better heat some more water. You've poured that ice-water into the -dishpan. - -GORDON - -(_getting a little peevish; refills kettle and puts it on stove_) - -It's perfectly absurd not having any pantry to keep the icebox in. In -here, the heat of the stove melts the ice right away. (_Goes back to -icebox and slams its doors shut._) Of course, she never keeps the doors -properly closed. (_He returns to sink and resumes dishwashing._) It's a -funny thing. - -LAURA - -What is? - -GORDON - -Why, that a presumably intelligent coon can't understand the doors of -an icebox are meant to be kept tight shut, to save ice. What does she -suppose those little clamps are for? (_Laura is silent. There is a -pause, while Gordon scrapes portions of food off the soiled plates. He -examines some of these plates rather carefully, and picks out several -large pieces of meat, lettuce, butter, etc. which he puts on one plate -at one side. Then he seems to resume his good humor and relights his -pipe._) Well, it's jolly to have both the grandmothers here together, -isn't it? - -LAURA - -Gordon, dear, put the silver away in the sideboard before it gets wet -again. (_He gathers up silver from the table in front of her and exit L. -Laura steps outside door R, and returns, bringing garbage can, which she -puts down by the sink. She begins to wash dishes, and sees the plate of -odds and ends which Gordon has carefully put to one side. She scrapes -its contents into the garbage pail. While she is washings Gordon enter, -L._) - -GORDON - -Now, Creature, let me do that. You don't want to spoil those pretty -hands. (_Takes them, with an attempt to be affectionate._) - -LAURA - -I guess it isn't any worse for them than washing the baby's things. - -GORDON - -Come on, old man, let _me_. (_Gently removes her from sink, and pushes -her to the chair by the table. She sits down and wipes dishes as he -hands them to her._) It doesn't take long when there are two of us. - -LAURA - -Gordie, these dishes aren't properly clean. You can't get that grease -off without hot water. - -GORDON - -I guess that kettle's hot by now. (_To stove, feels water in kettle._) -Give it a minute longer. (_Stands by stove and puffs at his pipe. In a -moment of false security, he foolishly reopens a dangerous topic._) You -know, I'm a little worried about Mother. - -LAURA - -(_putting away dishes_) - -Why? - -GORDON - -I don't think she's as well as usual. She hardly ate any of her salad. - -LAURA - -(_turns as though about to say somethings but checks herself and -pauses a moment. This time it is she who tries honorably to avert the -gathering storm_) - -Oh, Gordie, I forgot to tell you! Junior drank out of a cup to-day--the -first time! - -GORDON - -He did! The little rascal! - -LAURA - -Look, here's the cup. (_Shows a small silver cup._) - -GORDON - -(_affectionately, putting his arm around her_) - -Well, well. (_Looks at cup._) What cup is that? I don't seem to remember -it-- - -LAURA - -Why--Mother brought it with her. She used it when she was a baby. - -GORDON - -Where's that nice old Christening mug of mine? I think Junior would like -to use that once in a while, too. - -LAURA - -I put it away, dear. I was afraid Ethel might dent it. - -GORDON - -(_takes kettle from stove, goes back to sink_) - -I hope Mother isn't feeling poorly. I noticed at supper-- - -LAURA - -When hot meat is served, refined people usually call it _dinner_-- - -GORDON - -(_looks at her cautiously, and suddenly seems to realize that -they are on the edge of an abyss_) - -Now, honey, you're tired. You go and rest, I'll finish up here. - -LAURA - -No, thank you. I like to see that everything gets cleaned up properly. -Someone might come snooping out here, and then there'd be hints about my -housekeeping. Of course, I'll admit I wasn't brought up to be a cook-- - -GORDON - -(_seeks inspiration by relighting his pipe, and takes up a -handsome silver coffee pot_) - -One thing I never can make out is, how to prevent coffee grounds from -going down the sink. (_He talks desperately, trying to tide over the -mutually realized danger point._) Perhaps if I could invent some kind -of a little coffee-ground strainer I'd make our fortune. That coffee was -delicious, Creature. - -LAURA - -Take care of that urn, it's one of the few handsome things we have. - -GORDON - -It _is_ a beauty. - -LAURA - -Jack Davis gave it to me-- - -GORDON - -(_puts it down with distaste_) - -I guess I'd better attend to the garbage. - -LAURA - -(_nervously_) - -It's all fixed. - -GORDON - -I always like Thursdays because that's the one evening Ethel doesn't get -a chance to throw away about five dollars' worth of good food. - -LAURA - -I fixed the garbage. You can put the pail outside. - -GORDON - -(_hunting among plates on the shelf beside sink_) - -Where's that plate I put here? There was a lot of perfectly good stuff I -saved-- - -LAURA - -(_blows up at last_) - -Well, if you think I'm going to keep a lot of halfeaten salad your -Mother picked over-- - -GORDON - -(_seizes garbage pail, lifts it up to the sink and begins to -explore its contents. His fuse also is rapidly shortening._) - -My Lord, it's no wonder we never have any money to spend if we chuck -half of it away in waste. (_Picking out various selections_.) Waste! -Look at that piece of cheese, and those potatoes. You could take those -things, and some of this meat, and make a nice economical hash for -lunch-- - -LAURA - -It's a wonder you wouldn't get a job as a scavenger. I never _heard_ of -a husband like you, rummaging through the garbage pail. - -GORDON - -(_blows up_) - -Do you know what the one unforgivable sin is? The sin against the Holy -Ghost? It's _Waste!_ It makes me wild to think of working and working -like a dog, and half of what I earn just thrown away by an ignorant -coon. Look at this, just look at it! (_Displays a grisly object._) -There's enough meat on that bone to make soup. And ye gods, here's that -jar of anchovy paste! (_Holds it up._) I thought you got that for me -as a little treat. I wondered where it had gone to. Why, I hadn't eaten -more than just the top of it. - -LAURA - -Well, you left it, and left it, and it got mildewed. - -GORDON - -Scrape it off. A little mildew won't hurt anybody. There'll be mildew on -my bank account if this kind of thing goes on. (_Still examining garbage -pail._) Look here, about half a dozen slices of bread. What's the matter -with _them_, I'd like to know. - -LAURA - -I think it's the most disgusting thing I ever heard of. To go picking -over the garbage pail like that. You attend to your affairs and I'll -attend to mine. - -GORDON - -I guess throwing away good, hard-earned money is my affair, isn't it? - -LAURA - -You're always quick enough to find fault. I know Ethel's careless, but -she's the best I can get out here in this godforsaken suburb. Maybe -you'll be good enough to find me a better servant. A well-trained girl -wouldn't work in this old dump, where there isn't even gas. You don't -seem to know when you're lucky. You come back at night and find your -home well cared for and me slaving over a hot dinner, and do you ever -say a word of thanks? No, all you can think of is finding fault. I can't -imagine how you were brought up. Your Mother-- - -GORDON - -Just leave my mother out of it. I guess she didn't spoil me the way -yours did you. Of course, I wasn't an only daughter-- - -LAURA - -I wish you had been. Then I wouldn't have married you. - -GORDON - -I suppose you think that if you'd married Jack Davis or some other of -those profiteers you'd never have had to see the inside of a kitchen-- - - -LAURA - -If Junior grows up with your disposition, all I can say is, I hope he'll -never get married. - -GORDON - -If he gets married, I hope it'll be to some girl who understands -something about economy-- - -LAURA - -If he gets married, I hope he'll be man enough not to be always finding -fault-- - -GORDON - -Well, he _won't_ get married! I'll put him wise to what marriage means, -fussing like this all the time-- - -LAURA - -Yes, he _will_ get married. He _shall_ get married! - -GORDON - -Oh, this is too absurd-- - -LAURA - -He _shall_ get married, just to be a humiliating example to his father. -I'll bring him up the way a husband _ought_ to be. - -GORDON - -In handcuffs, I suppose-- - -LAURA - -And his wife won't have to sit and listen to perpetual criticism from -his mother-- - -GORDON - -If you're so down on mothers-in-law, it's queer you're anxious to be one -yourself. The expectant mother-in-law! - -LAURA - -All right, be vulgar. I dare say you can't help it. - -GORDON - -Great Scott, what did you think marriage was like, anyway? Did you -expect to go through life having everything done for you, without a -little hard work to make it interesting? - -LAURA - -Is it necessary to shout? - -GORDON - -Now let me tell you something. Let's see if you can ratify it from your -extensive observation of life. Is there anything in the world so cruel -as bringing up a girl in absolute ignorance of housework, believing -that all her days she's going to be waited on hand and foot, and that -marriage is one long swoon of endearments-- - -LAURA - -There's not much swooning while you're around. - -GORDON - -Why, I believe you actually think your life is wrecked if you aren't -being petted and praised every minute. You pretend to think marriage -is so sacred and yet you're buffaloed by a few greasy dishes. I like -my kind of sacredness better than yours, and that's the sacredness of -common sense. Marriage ought not to be performed before an altar, but -before a kitchen sink. - -LAURA - -(_furiously_) - -I ought to have known that oil and water won't mix. I ought to have -known that a vulgar, selfish, conceited man couldn't make a girl happy -who was brought up in a refined family. - -I was a Sheffield, and why I ever became a Johns is more than I can -imagine, Johns--I suppose that's camouflage for Jones. You're too -common, too ordinary, to know when you're lucky. You get a charming -aristocratic wife and expect her to grub along like a washerwoman. -You try to crush all the life and spirit out of her. You ought to have -married an icebox--that's the only thing in this house you're really -attentive to. - -GORDON - -Now listen-- - -LAURA - -(_will not be checked_) - -Talk about being spoiled--why, your Mother babies you so, you think -you're the only man on earth. (_Sarcastically_.) Her poor, overworked -boy, who tries so hard and gets all fagged out in the office and -struggles so nobly to support his family! I wonder how you'd like to run -this house and bear a child and take care of it and shuffle along with -an ignorant coon for a maid and then cook a big dinner and be sneered -at and never a word of praise. All you can think of is picking over the -garbage pail and finding fault-- - -GORDON - -(_like a fool_) - -I didn't find fault. I found some good food being wasted. - -LAURA - -All right, if you love the garbage pail better than you do your wife, -you can live with it. (_Flings her dishtowel on the floor and exit, L._) - - -(_Gordon stands irresolutely at the sink, and makes a few gloomy motions -among the unfinished dishes. He glares at the garbage can. Then he -carefully gathers those portions of food that he had chosen as being -still usable, contemplates them grimly, then puts them on a plate -and, after some hesitation, puts the plate in the icebox. He takes the -garbage can and puts it outside door, R. He returns into the kitchen, -but then a sudden fit of anger seizes him._) - -GORDON - -It's always the way! (_Tears off apron, throws it on the floor, and exit -R, slamming door._) - -***** - -(_After a brief pause, the door at the rear opening onto the back -stairs, is cautiously opened, and Mrs. Sheffield enters quietly. She -takes one swift look around the disordered kitchen, picks up dishtowel -and apron from the floor, and sets to work rapidly to clean up. Then -the back stairs door is again opened in the same stealthy way, and Mrs. -Johns enters. The two ladies seem to take each other's measure with -instinctive shrewdness, and fall into a silent, businesslike team-play -in putting things to rights. Mrs. Johns takes charge at the sink, and -the remaining dishes spin under her capable hands. Mrs. Sheffield takes -them from her, rapidly polishes them, and puts them away on the shelves. -There is unconscious comedy in the trained precision and labor-saving -method of their actions, which are synchronized so that every time Mrs. -Johns holds out a washed dish, Mrs. Sheffield is moving back from the -cabinet, ready to receive it. They work like automatons, for perhaps two -minutes not a word is said, and the two seem, by searching side-glances, -to be probing each other's mood._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -If it wasn't so tragic I'd laugh. (_A pause, during which they work -busily._) - -MRS. SHEFF - -If it wasn't so comic I'd cry. (_Another pause._) I guess it's my fault. -Poor Laura, I'm afraid I _have_ spoiled her. - -MRS. JOHNS - -_My_ fault, I think. Two mothers-in-law at once is too much for any -young couple. I didn't know you were here, or I wouldn't have come. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Laura is so dreadfully sensitive, poor child-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon works so hard at the office. You know he's trying to get promoted -to the sales department, and I suppose it tells on his nerves-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -If Laura could afford to have a nurse to help her with the baby she -wouldn't get so exhausted-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon says he wants to take out some more insurance, that's why -he worries so about economy. It isn't for himself, he's really very -unselfish-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_a little tartly_) - -Still, I do think that sometimes--(_They pause and look at each other -quickly._) My gracious, we'll be at it ourselves if we don't look out! - -(_She goes to the clothes-horse and rearranges the garments on it. She -holds up a lilliputian shirt, and they both smile._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -That darling baby! I hope he won't have poor Gordon's quick temper. -It runs in the Johns family, I'm afraid. I was an Armstrong before -I married Gordon's father--I didn't know what temper was until I -married--either my own or his. - -MRS. SHEFF - -I was a Thomson--Thomson without the P, you know, from Rhode Island. All -families are hot tempered. All husbands' families, anyway. - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon's father used to say that Adam and Eve didn't know when they were -well off. He said that was why they called it the Garden of Eden. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Why? - -MRS. JOHNS - -Because there was no mother-in-law there. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Poor children, they have such a lot to learn! I really feel ashamed, -Mrs. Johns, because Laura is an undisciplined little thing, and I'm -afraid I've always petted her too much. She had such a lot of attention -before she met Gordon, and was made so much of, it gave her wrong ideas. - -MRS. JOHNS - -I wish Gordon was a little younger, I'd like to turn him up and spank -him. He's dreadfully stubborn and tactless-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -But I'm afraid I _did_ make a mistake. Laura was having such a good -time as a girl, I was always afraid she'd have a hard awakening when she -married. But Mr. Sheffield had a good deal of money at that time, and he -used to say, 'She's only young once, let her enjoy herself.' - -MRS. JOHNS - -My husband was shortsighted, too. He had had to skimp so, that he -brought up Gordon to have a terror of wasting a nickel. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Very sensible. I wish Mr. Sheffield had had a little more of that -terror. I shall have to tell him what his policy has resulted in. But -really, you know, when I heard them at it, I could hardly help admiring -them. (_With a sigh._) It brings back old times! - -MRS. JOHNS - -So it does! (_A pause._) But we can't let them go on like this. A little -vigorous quarreling is good for everybody. It's a kind of spiritual -laxative. But they carry it too far. - -MRS. SHEFF - -They're awfully ingenious. They were even bickering about Junior's -future mother-in-law. I suppose she's still in school, whoever she may -be! - -MRS. JOHNS - -Being a mother-in-law is almost as painful as being a mother. - -MRS. SHEFF - -I think every marriage ought to be preceded by a treaty of peace between -the two mothers. If they understand each other, everything will work out -all right. - -MRS. JOHNS - -You're right. When each one takes sides with her own child, it's fatal. - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_lowering her voice_) - -Look here, I think I know how we can make them ashamed of themselves. -Where are they now? - -MRS. JOHNS - -(_goes cautiously to door L and peeps through_) - -Laura is lying on the couch in the living-room. I think she's -crying--her face is buried in the cushions. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Splendid. That means she's listening with all her ears--(_Tiptoes to -window, R._) I can't see Gordon, but I think he's walking round the -garden-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -(_quietly_) - -If we were to talk a little louder he'd sit on the back steps to hear -it-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -Exactly. Now listen! (_They put their heads together and whisper; the -audience does not hear what is said._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Fine! Oh, that's fine! (_Mrs. Sheffield whispers again, inaudible to the -spectators._) But wait a moment. Don't you think it would be better if -_I_ praise Laura and _you_ praise Gordon? They won't expect that, and it -might shame them-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -No, no! Don't you see--(_Whispers again, inaudibly_.) - -MRS. JOHNS - -You're right. Cunning as serpents and harmless as doves--(_They -carefully set both doors, L and R ajar._) - -MRS. SHEFF - -I only hope we won't wake the baby--(_They return to the task of -cleaning up, and talk very loudly in pretended quarrel._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Where do these dessert plates go? - -MRS. SHEFF - -On this shelf. - -MRS. JOHNS - -You're here so much more often than I, naturally you know Laura's -arrangements better. - -MRS. SHEFF - -It's a lucky thing I _am_ here. I don't know what poor Laura would do -without me at such a dreadful time-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -_Poor_ Laura! I should say she's very fortunate, such a good husband-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -I think it's rather sad for a girl who has had as much as she has, to -come down to this-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -It's perfectly wonderful how Gordon has got on in business-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -He ought to, with such a lovely home, run like a clock-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Yes. An alarm clock. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Well, I'm not going to see my daughter's happiness ruined-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -I always knew he'd make some girl a fine husband-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -Perhaps. But he seems to have picked the wrong girl. Laura has too much -spirit to be bullied-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Well, perhaps it was all a mistake. Poor Gordon, he works so hard. I -believe his hair is going white over his ears already. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Stuff! That's lather from where he shaved this morning. He's too -slovenly to wash it off. - -MRS. JOHNS - -It isn't right that a young man should have to slave the way he does-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_apparently in a passion_) - -Do you think that business slavery can compare to household slavery? I -think it's heartrending to see an attractive girl like Laura shut up -in a poky little house doing drudgery and tending a baby. Think of it, -having to take care of her own baby! Why, it's an outrage. If Gordon was -half a man, he'd get her a trained baby nurse so she wouldn't have to -_look_ at the poor little thing-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -(_scathing_) - -Yes, how sad that Gordon should have to entrust his son to amateur care -when it needs scientific attention. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Poor darling Laura--she never ought to have had a baby. - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon is too intellectual to be bothered with these domestic details. -He ought to be able to concentrate on his work. - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_coming close to Mrs. Johns, feigning great rage, but grimacing to show -it is merely acting_) - -Well, if you don't think my daughter is good enough for your son, I can -always take her home with _me_. I guess I can find room for her, and we -can put the child in an institution. (_Both nearly laughs but recover -themselves_.) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Don't worry. _I'll_ take the child. He's a Johns anyway, not a -Sheffield. And you just watch Gordon, when he's relieved of all this -family worry and quarreling. He'll make his mark in the world. He's too -fine to be tied down by a wife that doesn't understand him. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Oh, how happy Laura will be to hear this. My sweet, clever, attractive, -economical, sensible little girl, free at last. Her married life has -been a nightmare. That great, hulking, selfish man has tried to trample -all the joy out of her. He shan't do it. - -MRS. JOHNS - -I never heard of a young husband as self-sacrificing as Gordon. I don't -believe he _ever_ goes out for an evening with other men, and he _never_ -spends anything on himself-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -I think the way Laura runs her little home is just wonderful. See how -she struggles to keep her kitchen in order--this miserable, inconvenient -little kitchen, no gas, no pantry, no decent help. I think it's -_terrible_ she has had to put up with so much--(_They pause, and listen -at the door, L. The kitchen is now spick and span. Mrs. Johns makes a -gesture to indicate that Laura is taking it all in, offstage._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Well, then, it's all settled. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Yes. As Laura's mother, I can't let her go on like this. A husband, a -home, and a baby--it's enough to ruin any woman. - -MRS. JOHNS - -It's only fair to both sides to end it all. I never heard of such brutal -hardships. Gordon can't fight against these things any longer. Throwing -away a soupbone and three slices of bread! I wonder he doesn't go mad. - -MRS. SHEFF - -We've saved them just in time. (_They look at each other knowingly, with -the air of those who have done a sound bit of work, Then they stealthily -open the door at the rear, and exeunt up the back stairs,_) - -***** - -(_There is a brief pause; then the door L opens like an explosion, and -Laura bursts in, She stands for a moment, wild-eyed, stamps her foot -in a passion, Then she seizes one of the baby shirts from the rack, and -drops into the chair by the table, crying. She buries her head in her -arms, concealing the shirt, Enter Gordon, R, He stands uncertainly, -evidently feeling like a fool._) - - -GORDON - -I'm sorry, I--I left my pipe in here. (_Finds it by the sink,_) - -LAURA - -(_her face still hidden_) - -Oh, Gordie, _was_ it all a mistake? - -GORDON - -(_troubled, pats her shoulder tentatively_) - -Now listen, Creature, don't. You'll make yourself sick. - -LAURA - -I never thought I'd hear such things--from my own mother. - -GORDON - -I never heard such rot. They must be mad, both of them. - -LAURA - -Then you were listening, too-- - -GORDON - -Yes. Why, they're deliberately trying to set us against each other. - -LAURA - -They wouldn't have _dared_ speak like that if they had known we could -hear. Gordon, I don't think it's _legal_-- - -GORDON - -I'm afraid the law doesn't give one much protection against one's -mothers. - -LAURA - -(_miserably_) - -I guess she's right. I _am_ spoiled, and I _am_ silly, and I _am_ -extravagant-- - -GORDON - -Don't be silly, darling. That's crazy stuff. I'm _not_ overworked, and -even if I were I'd love it, for you-- - -LAURA - -I don't _want_ a nurse for Junior. I wouldn't have one in the house. -(_Sits up, dishevelled, and displays the small shirt she has been -clutching._) Gordon, I'm _not_ an amateur! I love that baby and I _am_ -scientific. I keep a chart of his weight every week. - -GORDON - -Yes, I know, ducky, Gordon understands. Soon we'll be able to buy that -scales you want, and we won't have to weigh him on the meat balance. - -LAURA - -_Nobody_ can take away my darling baby-- - -GORDON - -It was my fault, dear. I _am_ obstinate and disagreeable-- - -LAURA - -I'll speak to Ethel about the garbage-- - -GORDON - -Ethel's all right. We're lucky to have her. - -LAURA - -Gordon, you mustn't work too hard. You know you're all I have--(_A -sob_.) since Mother's gone back on me. - -GORDON - -(_patting her_) - -I think it's frightful, the things they said. What are they trying to -do, break up a happy home? - -LAURA - -We _are_ happy, aren't we? - -GORDON - -Well, I should say so. Did you ever hear me complain? (_Takes her in his -arms_.) - -LAURA - -No, Gordie. It was cruel of them to try to make trouble between us--but, -perhaps, some of the things they said-- - -GORDON - -Were true?-- - -LAURA - -Well, not exactly true, dear, but--interesting! --your mother is right, -you _do_ have a hard time, and I'll try-- - -GORDON - -(_stops her_) - -No, _your_ mother is right. I've been a brute-- - -LAURA - -I'm lucky to have such a husband--(_They are silent a moment_.) - -GORDON - -I suppose you'll think it an awful anticlimax-- - -LAURA - -What, dear? - -GORDON - -Suppose we have something to eat? - -LAURA - -(_happily_) - -Good idea. Quarreling always makes me hungry. (_They go to the icebox_.) -I didn't really get any supper to speak of, I was worrying about -everything so-- - -GORDON - -(_opening icebox_) - -You mean _dinner_, honey--among refined people! - -LAURA - -Don't be a tease. Come on, we'll have a snack-- (_She discovers Gordon s -plate of left-overs_.) - -GORDON - -Throw out that junk--I was idiotic to save it. - -LAURA - -No, Gordie, you were quite right. We must save everything we can. Four -or five heads of lettuce would make a new shirt for Junior. - -GORDON - -(_bewildered_) - -Lettuce? - -LAURA - -I mean, if we saved that much, it would make enough money to buy him -a new little vest. He's getting so enormous--(_She puts plate of -left-overs on the table, with some other cold food._) - -GORDON - -There, now, this is better. (_They sit down at table._) - -LAURA - -(_thoughtfully_) - -You know, Gordie, we mustn't let them know we heard them. - -GORDON - -No, I suppose not. But it's hard to forgive that sort of talk. - -LAURA - -Even if they did say atrocious things, I think they really love us-- - -GORDON - -We'll be a bit cold and stand-offish until things blow over. - -LAURA - -(_complacently_) - -If I'm ever a mother-in-law, I shall try to be _very_ understanding-- - -GORDON - -Yes, Creature. Do you remember why I call you Creature? - -LAURA - -Do I not? - -GORDON - -There was an adjective omitted, you remember. - -LAURA - -Oh, Gordie, that's one of the troubles of married life. So many of the -nice adjectives seem to get omitted. - -GORDON - -Motto for married men: Don't run short of adjectives!--You remember what -the adjective was? - -LAURA - -Tell me. - -GORDON - -_Adorable_, It was an abbreviation for Adorable Creature--(_Holds her, -They are both perfectly happy_.) I love our little Thursday evenings. -laura (_partly breaks from his embrace_) - -Sssh! (_Listens,_) Was that the baby? - - -CURTAIN - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Thursday Evening, by Christopher Morley - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THURSDAY EVENING *** - -***** This file should be named 51984.txt or 51984.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/8/51984/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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