diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/51984.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/51984.txt | 1645 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 1645 deletions
diff --git a/old/51984.txt b/old/51984.txt deleted file mode 100644 index b7bbf91..0000000 --- a/old/51984.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1645 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Thursday Evening, by Christopher Morley - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Thursday Evening - A Comedy in One Act - -Author: Christopher Morley - -Release Date: May 3, 2016 [EBook #51984] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THURSDAY EVENING *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -THURSDAY EVENING - -A Comedy in One Act - -By Christopher Morley - -Copyright, 1922, By Christopher Morley - - -[Ill 0007] - - -CHARACTERS - -Gordon Johns, a Young Business Man - -Laura, Mrs. Gordon Johns - -Mrs. Sheffield, Lauras Mother - -Mrs. Johns, Gordons Mother - - - -[Ill 0010] - - - - -THURSDAY EVENING - - -SCENE - -_A small suburban kitchen in the modest home of Mr. and Mrs. Gordon -Johns. A meal has recently been cooked, as is shown by a general -confusion of pots and pans and dish-cloths. At the rear, an icebox -standing in the corner. Rear, center, two shelved cabinets, one -containing groceries and household sundries, the other dishes and -glassware. Rear, L, an oil range. Some baby linen and very small shirts -(such as would be suitable for a child of about ten months') are hanging -on a clothes-horse near the stove. Boor R leads out to back porch; there -are two windows in R wall, one each side of door. Door L to diningroom. -At the corner in the rear, L, door opening on back stairs, which ascend -to upper parts of the house. Down stage, L, against side wall, a sink -and oil-cloth covered drain-board or shelf beside it. In the center of -stage a small table covered with oil-cloth. A kitchen chair in corner, -down R._ - -_When the scene opens, GORDON and LAURA are carrying in soiled dishes -through door, L. They come in and out several times, making methodical -arrangements for cleaning up. They pile the dishes on the shelf by the -sink. Gordon takes dishpan from a hook under the sink, and fills it -with hot water from the kettle on the stove. LAURA, who is an attractive -little person, aged about twenty-three, is in that slightly tense -condition of a young hostess who has had a long and trying day with -house and baby, and has also cooked and served a dinner for four._ - -GORDON - -All right, Creature, just wait till I light my pipe and we'll polish -this up. (_Lights pipe and rolls up shirtsleeves._) - -LAURA - -(_taking an apron from chair in corner_) - -Put this on first. That's the only decent pair of trousers you've got. - -(_Enter Mrs. Sheffield, carrying dishes._) - -MRS. SHEFF - -Now you children run along and take it easy. I'll do all this. - -LAURA - -No, no, mother. You go and talk to Mrs. Johns. (_Pointedly._) Don't let -her come in here. mrs. sheff (_ultramaternally_) - -Poor baby, she's tired. You've been on your feet all day, now let Mother -wash up for you. That was a big dinner to cook. - -LAURA - -No tireder than you are, Mother darling. You cooked lunch. - -GORDON - -Both of you clear out; I can get this done in no time. - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_patting Laura's cheek_) - -Busy with the baby all afternoon, and then cooking such a delicious -dinner--Dearie, won't you let Mother do this for you? - -LAURA - -There isn't room in this kitchen for everybody-- (_Enter Mrs. Johns, -carrying dishes._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon, you and Laura go and rest. Let the two grandmothers-- - -GORDON - -Now listen, little people, this is my job. I always wash up on Thursday -evenings-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -You go and read your newspaper. I can see you're all fagged out after -that long day in the office-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_to Laura_) - -_Please_ go and lie down, Baby. You're so tired. - -LAURA - -(_with waning patience_) - -You two go and amuse yourselves; Gordon and I'll attend to this. (_They -gently eject the two mothers-in-law_.) - -GORDON - -Come on, now, the good old system! (_He takes the small table from -center of stage, and puts it carefully midway between sink and dish -cabinet. Takes chair from corner, down R, and sets it beside table. -Laura sits down on chair and wipes silverware and dishes as he hands -them to her after washing_.) - -LAURA - -The silver first, while the water's clean. - -GORDON - -Right. We make a pretty good team at this, don't we? - -LAURA - -(_holds up a small silver jug_) - -That darling old cream jug. Mother used that when she was a little girl. - -GORDON - -I love our little Thursday evening suppers. I think they're more fun -than any other night. - -LAURA - -I'm glad, Gordie. - -GORDON - -We get better grub on Thursdays, when Ethel goes out, than we ever do -when she's in. - -LAURA - -I tried to have everything specially nice tonight. Some visitors are -very critical. - -GORDON - -It was lovely. I'm afraid it was hard for you, Creature, to have Mother -come just now. (_A short pause,_) Especially when _your_ Mother was -here. - -LAURA - -Didn't she know Mother was here? - -GORDON - -No. I hadn't told her. You see your Mother is here so much more often. -I didn't know your mother would still be here. I was afraid Mother might -be a little hurt-- - -LAURA - -Mother helps me a great deal. I think it's a queer thing if a wife -can't have her mother stay with her once in a while-- - -GORDON - -(_aware of danger, changes the subject_) - -Ye Gods, Ethel has cracked the Copenhagen platter. (_Laura is silent._) -That's one of the set Mother gave us when we were married. - -LAURA - -It's a stock pattern. You can get another at any department store. - -GORDON - -I'll bet that coon didn't empty the icebox pan before she went. I never -saw a cook yet who could remember to do that-- - -LAURA - -If you had to go out and hunt for them you wouldn't be so particular. -She's better than no one. - -GORDON - -(_goes to icebox and removes a large, brimming pan from under -it_) - -What did I tell you! (_The water slops over from pan as he carries it -gingerly to sink and empties it. He replaces the pan under icebox._) - -LAURA - -You'd better heat some more water. You've poured that ice-water into the -dishpan. - -GORDON - -(_getting a little peevish; refills kettle and puts it on stove_) - -It's perfectly absurd not having any pantry to keep the icebox in. In -here, the heat of the stove melts the ice right away. (_Goes back to -icebox and slams its doors shut._) Of course, she never keeps the doors -properly closed. (_He returns to sink and resumes dishwashing._) It's a -funny thing. - -LAURA - -What is? - -GORDON - -Why, that a presumably intelligent coon can't understand the doors of -an icebox are meant to be kept tight shut, to save ice. What does she -suppose those little clamps are for? (_Laura is silent. There is a -pause, while Gordon scrapes portions of food off the soiled plates. He -examines some of these plates rather carefully, and picks out several -large pieces of meat, lettuce, butter, etc. which he puts on one plate -at one side. Then he seems to resume his good humor and relights his -pipe._) Well, it's jolly to have both the grandmothers here together, -isn't it? - -LAURA - -Gordon, dear, put the silver away in the sideboard before it gets wet -again. (_He gathers up silver from the table in front of her and exit L. -Laura steps outside door R, and returns, bringing garbage can, which she -puts down by the sink. She begins to wash dishes, and sees the plate of -odds and ends which Gordon has carefully put to one side. She scrapes -its contents into the garbage pail. While she is washings Gordon enter, -L._) - -GORDON - -Now, Creature, let me do that. You don't want to spoil those pretty -hands. (_Takes them, with an attempt to be affectionate._) - -LAURA - -I guess it isn't any worse for them than washing the baby's things. - -GORDON - -Come on, old man, let _me_. (_Gently removes her from sink, and pushes -her to the chair by the table. She sits down and wipes dishes as he -hands them to her._) It doesn't take long when there are two of us. - -LAURA - -Gordie, these dishes aren't properly clean. You can't get that grease -off without hot water. - -GORDON - -I guess that kettle's hot by now. (_To stove, feels water in kettle._) -Give it a minute longer. (_Stands by stove and puffs at his pipe. In a -moment of false security, he foolishly reopens a dangerous topic._) You -know, I'm a little worried about Mother. - -LAURA - -(_putting away dishes_) - -Why? - -GORDON - -I don't think she's as well as usual. She hardly ate any of her salad. - -LAURA - -(_turns as though about to say somethings but checks herself and -pauses a moment. This time it is she who tries honorably to avert the -gathering storm_) - -Oh, Gordie, I forgot to tell you! Junior drank out of a cup to-day--the -first time! - -GORDON - -He did! The little rascal! - -LAURA - -Look, here's the cup. (_Shows a small silver cup._) - -GORDON - -(_affectionately, putting his arm around her_) - -Well, well. (_Looks at cup._) What cup is that? I don't seem to remember -it-- - -LAURA - -Why--Mother brought it with her. She used it when she was a baby. - -GORDON - -Where's that nice old Christening mug of mine? I think Junior would like -to use that once in a while, too. - -LAURA - -I put it away, dear. I was afraid Ethel might dent it. - -GORDON - -(_takes kettle from stove, goes back to sink_) - -I hope Mother isn't feeling poorly. I noticed at supper-- - -LAURA - -When hot meat is served, refined people usually call it _dinner_-- - -GORDON - -(_looks at her cautiously, and suddenly seems to realize that -they are on the edge of an abyss_) - -Now, honey, you're tired. You go and rest, I'll finish up here. - -LAURA - -No, thank you. I like to see that everything gets cleaned up properly. -Someone might come snooping out here, and then there'd be hints about my -housekeeping. Of course, I'll admit I wasn't brought up to be a cook-- - -GORDON - -(_seeks inspiration by relighting his pipe, and takes up a -handsome silver coffee pot_) - -One thing I never can make out is, how to prevent coffee grounds from -going down the sink. (_He talks desperately, trying to tide over the -mutually realized danger point._) Perhaps if I could invent some kind -of a little coffee-ground strainer I'd make our fortune. That coffee was -delicious, Creature. - -LAURA - -Take care of that urn, it's one of the few handsome things we have. - -GORDON - -It _is_ a beauty. - -LAURA - -Jack Davis gave it to me-- - -GORDON - -(_puts it down with distaste_) - -I guess I'd better attend to the garbage. - -LAURA - -(_nervously_) - -It's all fixed. - -GORDON - -I always like Thursdays because that's the one evening Ethel doesn't get -a chance to throw away about five dollars' worth of good food. - -LAURA - -I fixed the garbage. You can put the pail outside. - -GORDON - -(_hunting among plates on the shelf beside sink_) - -Where's that plate I put here? There was a lot of perfectly good stuff I -saved-- - -LAURA - -(_blows up at last_) - -Well, if you think I'm going to keep a lot of halfeaten salad your -Mother picked over-- - -GORDON - -(_seizes garbage pail, lifts it up to the sink and begins to -explore its contents. His fuse also is rapidly shortening._) - -My Lord, it's no wonder we never have any money to spend if we chuck -half of it away in waste. (_Picking out various selections_.) Waste! -Look at that piece of cheese, and those potatoes. You could take those -things, and some of this meat, and make a nice economical hash for -lunch-- - -LAURA - -It's a wonder you wouldn't get a job as a scavenger. I never _heard_ of -a husband like you, rummaging through the garbage pail. - -GORDON - -(_blows up_) - -Do you know what the one unforgivable sin is? The sin against the Holy -Ghost? It's _Waste!_ It makes me wild to think of working and working -like a dog, and half of what I earn just thrown away by an ignorant -coon. Look at this, just look at it! (_Displays a grisly object._) -There's enough meat on that bone to make soup. And ye gods, here's that -jar of anchovy paste! (_Holds it up._) I thought you got that for me -as a little treat. I wondered where it had gone to. Why, I hadn't eaten -more than just the top of it. - -LAURA - -Well, you left it, and left it, and it got mildewed. - -GORDON - -Scrape it off. A little mildew won't hurt anybody. There'll be mildew on -my bank account if this kind of thing goes on. (_Still examining garbage -pail._) Look here, about half a dozen slices of bread. What's the matter -with _them_, I'd like to know. - -LAURA - -I think it's the most disgusting thing I ever heard of. To go picking -over the garbage pail like that. You attend to your affairs and I'll -attend to mine. - -GORDON - -I guess throwing away good, hard-earned money is my affair, isn't it? - -LAURA - -You're always quick enough to find fault. I know Ethel's careless, but -she's the best I can get out here in this godforsaken suburb. Maybe -you'll be good enough to find me a better servant. A well-trained girl -wouldn't work in this old dump, where there isn't even gas. You don't -seem to know when you're lucky. You come back at night and find your -home well cared for and me slaving over a hot dinner, and do you ever -say a word of thanks? No, all you can think of is finding fault. I can't -imagine how you were brought up. Your Mother-- - -GORDON - -Just leave my mother out of it. I guess she didn't spoil me the way -yours did you. Of course, I wasn't an only daughter-- - -LAURA - -I wish you had been. Then I wouldn't have married you. - -GORDON - -I suppose you think that if you'd married Jack Davis or some other of -those profiteers you'd never have had to see the inside of a kitchen-- - - -LAURA - -If Junior grows up with your disposition, all I can say is, I hope he'll -never get married. - -GORDON - -If he gets married, I hope it'll be to some girl who understands -something about economy-- - -LAURA - -If he gets married, I hope he'll be man enough not to be always finding -fault-- - -GORDON - -Well, he _won't_ get married! I'll put him wise to what marriage means, -fussing like this all the time-- - -LAURA - -Yes, he _will_ get married. He _shall_ get married! - -GORDON - -Oh, this is too absurd-- - -LAURA - -He _shall_ get married, just to be a humiliating example to his father. -I'll bring him up the way a husband _ought_ to be. - -GORDON - -In handcuffs, I suppose-- - -LAURA - -And his wife won't have to sit and listen to perpetual criticism from -his mother-- - -GORDON - -If you're so down on mothers-in-law, it's queer you're anxious to be one -yourself. The expectant mother-in-law! - -LAURA - -All right, be vulgar. I dare say you can't help it. - -GORDON - -Great Scott, what did you think marriage was like, anyway? Did you -expect to go through life having everything done for you, without a -little hard work to make it interesting? - -LAURA - -Is it necessary to shout? - -GORDON - -Now let me tell you something. Let's see if you can ratify it from your -extensive observation of life. Is there anything in the world so cruel -as bringing up a girl in absolute ignorance of housework, believing -that all her days she's going to be waited on hand and foot, and that -marriage is one long swoon of endearments-- - -LAURA - -There's not much swooning while you're around. - -GORDON - -Why, I believe you actually think your life is wrecked if you aren't -being petted and praised every minute. You pretend to think marriage -is so sacred and yet you're buffaloed by a few greasy dishes. I like -my kind of sacredness better than yours, and that's the sacredness of -common sense. Marriage ought not to be performed before an altar, but -before a kitchen sink. - -LAURA - -(_furiously_) - -I ought to have known that oil and water won't mix. I ought to have -known that a vulgar, selfish, conceited man couldn't make a girl happy -who was brought up in a refined family. - -I was a Sheffield, and why I ever became a Johns is more than I can -imagine, Johns--I suppose that's camouflage for Jones. You're too -common, too ordinary, to know when you're lucky. You get a charming -aristocratic wife and expect her to grub along like a washerwoman. -You try to crush all the life and spirit out of her. You ought to have -married an icebox--that's the only thing in this house you're really -attentive to. - -GORDON - -Now listen-- - -LAURA - -(_will not be checked_) - -Talk about being spoiled--why, your Mother babies you so, you think -you're the only man on earth. (_Sarcastically_.) Her poor, overworked -boy, who tries so hard and gets all fagged out in the office and -struggles so nobly to support his family! I wonder how you'd like to run -this house and bear a child and take care of it and shuffle along with -an ignorant coon for a maid and then cook a big dinner and be sneered -at and never a word of praise. All you can think of is picking over the -garbage pail and finding fault-- - -GORDON - -(_like a fool_) - -I didn't find fault. I found some good food being wasted. - -LAURA - -All right, if you love the garbage pail better than you do your wife, -you can live with it. (_Flings her dishtowel on the floor and exit, L._) - - -(_Gordon stands irresolutely at the sink, and makes a few gloomy motions -among the unfinished dishes. He glares at the garbage can. Then he -carefully gathers those portions of food that he had chosen as being -still usable, contemplates them grimly, then puts them on a plate -and, after some hesitation, puts the plate in the icebox. He takes the -garbage can and puts it outside door, R. He returns into the kitchen, -but then a sudden fit of anger seizes him._) - -GORDON - -It's always the way! (_Tears off apron, throws it on the floor, and exit -R, slamming door._) - -***** - -(_After a brief pause, the door at the rear opening onto the back -stairs, is cautiously opened, and Mrs. Sheffield enters quietly. She -takes one swift look around the disordered kitchen, picks up dishtowel -and apron from the floor, and sets to work rapidly to clean up. Then -the back stairs door is again opened in the same stealthy way, and Mrs. -Johns enters. The two ladies seem to take each other's measure with -instinctive shrewdness, and fall into a silent, businesslike team-play -in putting things to rights. Mrs. Johns takes charge at the sink, and -the remaining dishes spin under her capable hands. Mrs. Sheffield takes -them from her, rapidly polishes them, and puts them away on the shelves. -There is unconscious comedy in the trained precision and labor-saving -method of their actions, which are synchronized so that every time Mrs. -Johns holds out a washed dish, Mrs. Sheffield is moving back from the -cabinet, ready to receive it. They work like automatons, for perhaps two -minutes not a word is said, and the two seem, by searching side-glances, -to be probing each other's mood._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -If it wasn't so tragic I'd laugh. (_A pause, during which they work -busily._) - -MRS. SHEFF - -If it wasn't so comic I'd cry. (_Another pause._) I guess it's my fault. -Poor Laura, I'm afraid I _have_ spoiled her. - -MRS. JOHNS - -_My_ fault, I think. Two mothers-in-law at once is too much for any -young couple. I didn't know you were here, or I wouldn't have come. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Laura is so dreadfully sensitive, poor child-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon works so hard at the office. You know he's trying to get promoted -to the sales department, and I suppose it tells on his nerves-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -If Laura could afford to have a nurse to help her with the baby she -wouldn't get so exhausted-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon says he wants to take out some more insurance, that's why -he worries so about economy. It isn't for himself, he's really very -unselfish-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_a little tartly_) - -Still, I do think that sometimes--(_They pause and look at each other -quickly._) My gracious, we'll be at it ourselves if we don't look out! - -(_She goes to the clothes-horse and rearranges the garments on it. She -holds up a lilliputian shirt, and they both smile._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -That darling baby! I hope he won't have poor Gordon's quick temper. -It runs in the Johns family, I'm afraid. I was an Armstrong before -I married Gordon's father--I didn't know what temper was until I -married--either my own or his. - -MRS. SHEFF - -I was a Thomson--Thomson without the P, you know, from Rhode Island. All -families are hot tempered. All husbands' families, anyway. - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon's father used to say that Adam and Eve didn't know when they were -well off. He said that was why they called it the Garden of Eden. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Why? - -MRS. JOHNS - -Because there was no mother-in-law there. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Poor children, they have such a lot to learn! I really feel ashamed, -Mrs. Johns, because Laura is an undisciplined little thing, and I'm -afraid I've always petted her too much. She had such a lot of attention -before she met Gordon, and was made so much of, it gave her wrong ideas. - -MRS. JOHNS - -I wish Gordon was a little younger, I'd like to turn him up and spank -him. He's dreadfully stubborn and tactless-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -But I'm afraid I _did_ make a mistake. Laura was having such a good -time as a girl, I was always afraid she'd have a hard awakening when she -married. But Mr. Sheffield had a good deal of money at that time, and he -used to say, 'She's only young once, let her enjoy herself.' - -MRS. JOHNS - -My husband was shortsighted, too. He had had to skimp so, that he -brought up Gordon to have a terror of wasting a nickel. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Very sensible. I wish Mr. Sheffield had had a little more of that -terror. I shall have to tell him what his policy has resulted in. But -really, you know, when I heard them at it, I could hardly help admiring -them. (_With a sigh._) It brings back old times! - -MRS. JOHNS - -So it does! (_A pause._) But we can't let them go on like this. A little -vigorous quarreling is good for everybody. It's a kind of spiritual -laxative. But they carry it too far. - -MRS. SHEFF - -They're awfully ingenious. They were even bickering about Junior's -future mother-in-law. I suppose she's still in school, whoever she may -be! - -MRS. JOHNS - -Being a mother-in-law is almost as painful as being a mother. - -MRS. SHEFF - -I think every marriage ought to be preceded by a treaty of peace between -the two mothers. If they understand each other, everything will work out -all right. - -MRS. JOHNS - -You're right. When each one takes sides with her own child, it's fatal. - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_lowering her voice_) - -Look here, I think I know how we can make them ashamed of themselves. -Where are they now? - -MRS. JOHNS - -(_goes cautiously to door L and peeps through_) - -Laura is lying on the couch in the living-room. I think she's -crying--her face is buried in the cushions. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Splendid. That means she's listening with all her ears--(_Tiptoes to -window, R._) I can't see Gordon, but I think he's walking round the -garden-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -(_quietly_) - -If we were to talk a little louder he'd sit on the back steps to hear -it-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -Exactly. Now listen! (_They put their heads together and whisper; the -audience does not hear what is said._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Fine! Oh, that's fine! (_Mrs. Sheffield whispers again, inaudible to the -spectators._) But wait a moment. Don't you think it would be better if -_I_ praise Laura and _you_ praise Gordon? They won't expect that, and it -might shame them-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -No, no! Don't you see--(_Whispers again, inaudibly_.) - -MRS. JOHNS - -You're right. Cunning as serpents and harmless as doves--(_They -carefully set both doors, L and R ajar._) - -MRS. SHEFF - -I only hope we won't wake the baby--(_They return to the task of -cleaning up, and talk very loudly in pretended quarrel._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Where do these dessert plates go? - -MRS. SHEFF - -On this shelf. - -MRS. JOHNS - -You're here so much more often than I, naturally you know Laura's -arrangements better. - -MRS. SHEFF - -It's a lucky thing I _am_ here. I don't know what poor Laura would do -without me at such a dreadful time-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -_Poor_ Laura! I should say she's very fortunate, such a good husband-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -I think it's rather sad for a girl who has had as much as she has, to -come down to this-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -It's perfectly wonderful how Gordon has got on in business-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -He ought to, with such a lovely home, run like a clock-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Yes. An alarm clock. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Well, I'm not going to see my daughter's happiness ruined-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -I always knew he'd make some girl a fine husband-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -Perhaps. But he seems to have picked the wrong girl. Laura has too much -spirit to be bullied-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -Well, perhaps it was all a mistake. Poor Gordon, he works so hard. I -believe his hair is going white over his ears already. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Stuff! That's lather from where he shaved this morning. He's too -slovenly to wash it off. - -MRS. JOHNS - -It isn't right that a young man should have to slave the way he does-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_apparently in a passion_) - -Do you think that business slavery can compare to household slavery? I -think it's heartrending to see an attractive girl like Laura shut up -in a poky little house doing drudgery and tending a baby. Think of it, -having to take care of her own baby! Why, it's an outrage. If Gordon was -half a man, he'd get her a trained baby nurse so she wouldn't have to -_look_ at the poor little thing-- - -MRS. JOHNS - -(_scathing_) - -Yes, how sad that Gordon should have to entrust his son to amateur care -when it needs scientific attention. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Poor darling Laura--she never ought to have had a baby. - -MRS. JOHNS - -Gordon is too intellectual to be bothered with these domestic details. -He ought to be able to concentrate on his work. - -MRS. SHEFF - -(_coming close to Mrs. Johns, feigning great rage, but grimacing to show -it is merely acting_) - -Well, if you don't think my daughter is good enough for your son, I can -always take her home with _me_. I guess I can find room for her, and we -can put the child in an institution. (_Both nearly laughs but recover -themselves_.) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Don't worry. _I'll_ take the child. He's a Johns anyway, not a -Sheffield. And you just watch Gordon, when he's relieved of all this -family worry and quarreling. He'll make his mark in the world. He's too -fine to be tied down by a wife that doesn't understand him. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Oh, how happy Laura will be to hear this. My sweet, clever, attractive, -economical, sensible little girl, free at last. Her married life has -been a nightmare. That great, hulking, selfish man has tried to trample -all the joy out of her. He shan't do it. - -MRS. JOHNS - -I never heard of a young husband as self-sacrificing as Gordon. I don't -believe he _ever_ goes out for an evening with other men, and he _never_ -spends anything on himself-- - -MRS. SHEFF - -I think the way Laura runs her little home is just wonderful. See how -she struggles to keep her kitchen in order--this miserable, inconvenient -little kitchen, no gas, no pantry, no decent help. I think it's -_terrible_ she has had to put up with so much--(_They pause, and listen -at the door, L. The kitchen is now spick and span. Mrs. Johns makes a -gesture to indicate that Laura is taking it all in, offstage._) - -MRS. JOHNS - -Well, then, it's all settled. - -MRS. SHEFF - -Yes. As Laura's mother, I can't let her go on like this. A husband, a -home, and a baby--it's enough to ruin any woman. - -MRS. JOHNS - -It's only fair to both sides to end it all. I never heard of such brutal -hardships. Gordon can't fight against these things any longer. Throwing -away a soupbone and three slices of bread! I wonder he doesn't go mad. - -MRS. SHEFF - -We've saved them just in time. (_They look at each other knowingly, with -the air of those who have done a sound bit of work, Then they stealthily -open the door at the rear, and exeunt up the back stairs,_) - -***** - -(_There is a brief pause; then the door L opens like an explosion, and -Laura bursts in, She stands for a moment, wild-eyed, stamps her foot -in a passion, Then she seizes one of the baby shirts from the rack, and -drops into the chair by the table, crying. She buries her head in her -arms, concealing the shirt, Enter Gordon, R, He stands uncertainly, -evidently feeling like a fool._) - - -GORDON - -I'm sorry, I--I left my pipe in here. (_Finds it by the sink,_) - -LAURA - -(_her face still hidden_) - -Oh, Gordie, _was_ it all a mistake? - -GORDON - -(_troubled, pats her shoulder tentatively_) - -Now listen, Creature, don't. You'll make yourself sick. - -LAURA - -I never thought I'd hear such things--from my own mother. - -GORDON - -I never heard such rot. They must be mad, both of them. - -LAURA - -Then you were listening, too-- - -GORDON - -Yes. Why, they're deliberately trying to set us against each other. - -LAURA - -They wouldn't have _dared_ speak like that if they had known we could -hear. Gordon, I don't think it's _legal_-- - -GORDON - -I'm afraid the law doesn't give one much protection against one's -mothers. - -LAURA - -(_miserably_) - -I guess she's right. I _am_ spoiled, and I _am_ silly, and I _am_ -extravagant-- - -GORDON - -Don't be silly, darling. That's crazy stuff. I'm _not_ overworked, and -even if I were I'd love it, for you-- - -LAURA - -I don't _want_ a nurse for Junior. I wouldn't have one in the house. -(_Sits up, dishevelled, and displays the small shirt she has been -clutching._) Gordon, I'm _not_ an amateur! I love that baby and I _am_ -scientific. I keep a chart of his weight every week. - -GORDON - -Yes, I know, ducky, Gordon understands. Soon we'll be able to buy that -scales you want, and we won't have to weigh him on the meat balance. - -LAURA - -_Nobody_ can take away my darling baby-- - -GORDON - -It was my fault, dear. I _am_ obstinate and disagreeable-- - -LAURA - -I'll speak to Ethel about the garbage-- - -GORDON - -Ethel's all right. We're lucky to have her. - -LAURA - -Gordon, you mustn't work too hard. You know you're all I have--(_A -sob_.) since Mother's gone back on me. - -GORDON - -(_patting her_) - -I think it's frightful, the things they said. What are they trying to -do, break up a happy home? - -LAURA - -We _are_ happy, aren't we? - -GORDON - -Well, I should say so. Did you ever hear me complain? (_Takes her in his -arms_.) - -LAURA - -No, Gordie. It was cruel of them to try to make trouble between us--but, -perhaps, some of the things they said-- - -GORDON - -Were true?-- - -LAURA - -Well, not exactly true, dear, but--interesting! --your mother is right, -you _do_ have a hard time, and I'll try-- - -GORDON - -(_stops her_) - -No, _your_ mother is right. I've been a brute-- - -LAURA - -I'm lucky to have such a husband--(_They are silent a moment_.) - -GORDON - -I suppose you'll think it an awful anticlimax-- - -LAURA - -What, dear? - -GORDON - -Suppose we have something to eat? - -LAURA - -(_happily_) - -Good idea. Quarreling always makes me hungry. (_They go to the icebox_.) -I didn't really get any supper to speak of, I was worrying about -everything so-- - -GORDON - -(_opening icebox_) - -You mean _dinner_, honey--among refined people! - -LAURA - -Don't be a tease. Come on, we'll have a snack-- (_She discovers Gordon s -plate of left-overs_.) - -GORDON - -Throw out that junk--I was idiotic to save it. - -LAURA - -No, Gordie, you were quite right. We must save everything we can. Four -or five heads of lettuce would make a new shirt for Junior. - -GORDON - -(_bewildered_) - -Lettuce? - -LAURA - -I mean, if we saved that much, it would make enough money to buy him -a new little vest. He's getting so enormous--(_She puts plate of -left-overs on the table, with some other cold food._) - -GORDON - -There, now, this is better. (_They sit down at table._) - -LAURA - -(_thoughtfully_) - -You know, Gordie, we mustn't let them know we heard them. - -GORDON - -No, I suppose not. But it's hard to forgive that sort of talk. - -LAURA - -Even if they did say atrocious things, I think they really love us-- - -GORDON - -We'll be a bit cold and stand-offish until things blow over. - -LAURA - -(_complacently_) - -If I'm ever a mother-in-law, I shall try to be _very_ understanding-- - -GORDON - -Yes, Creature. Do you remember why I call you Creature? - -LAURA - -Do I not? - -GORDON - -There was an adjective omitted, you remember. - -LAURA - -Oh, Gordie, that's one of the troubles of married life. So many of the -nice adjectives seem to get omitted. - -GORDON - -Motto for married men: Don't run short of adjectives!--You remember what -the adjective was? - -LAURA - -Tell me. - -GORDON - -_Adorable_, It was an abbreviation for Adorable Creature--(_Holds her, -They are both perfectly happy_.) I love our little Thursday evenings. -laura (_partly breaks from his embrace_) - -Sssh! (_Listens,_) Was that the baby? - - -CURTAIN - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Thursday Evening, by Christopher Morley - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THURSDAY EVENING *** - -***** This file should be named 51984.txt or 51984.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/8/51984/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - |