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-The Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Wanted, A Young Lady', by William E. Suter
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
-the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org.  If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-Title: 'Wanted, A Young Lady'
-       A Farce, in One Act
-
-Author: William E. Suter
-
-Release Date: October 8, 2015 [EBook #50153]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ASCII
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'WANTED, A YOUNG LADY' ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by Paul Haxo from a copy generously made available
-by the University of California, Davis, and with special
-thanks to the Victorian Plays Project.
-
-
-
-
-
-"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"--
-
-_A Farce_,
-
-IN ONE ACT.
-
-
-BY
-
-W. E. SUTER,
-
-AUTHOR OF
-
-The Pirates of the Savannah, Idiot of the Mountain, Syren of Paris,
-Angel of Midnight, Old House on the Bridge, Outlaw of the Adriatic,
-Sarah's Young Man, A Quiet Family, John Wopps, Rifle Volunteer,
-Brother Bill and Me, Highwayman's Holiday, Accusing Spirit, First
-Love, Our New Man, Fan-fan, the Tulip, &c., &c.
-
-
-THOMAS HAILES LACY,
-
-89, STRAND, LONDON.
-
-
-
-
-"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY."
-
-
-_Characters._
-
-ADELAIDE STIRLING (_First Comedy_)
-
-FRANK MITCHELL (_First Comedy_)
-
-SIMON SNOOZLE (_Low Comedy_)
-
-
-_Costumes._
-
-FRANK. _First Dress_--Travelling suit. _Second_--Old lady's hood, silk
-gown, shawl, spectacles, and stick. _Third_--Same as first.
-
-SIMON. _First Dress_--Half livery. _Second_--Velvet cap and silk
-dressing gown.
-
-ADELAIDE. _First Dress_--Travelling dress. _Second_--Silk bonnet,
-veil, spectacles, shawl, and stick.
-
-
-_Time in Representation_--40 _Minutes._
-
-
-
-
-"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"--
-
-
-SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C.; door, R.; door
-L.; easy chairs; couch, L.; fire-place, R.; clock, C.; chairs, &c.;
-table, R., on it a lighted lamp; closet at back, L._
-
-SIMON. (_entering, door C._) Yes, yes, godfather, make your mind easy,
-you may sleep quietly on both sides of your face. (_advancing_) That's
-a saying in our parts; but I have tried it, and I couldn't do it.
-(_looking at clock_) Seven o'clock! what a litter this room is in.
-(_placing chairs, &c._) And look here. (_indicating clothes scattered
-over an easy chair_) What's all this? Oh, old master's morning gown.
-(_places it in the closet_) I have an idea that this place of mine
-suits me very well. I am boarded and lodged and washed, eight pounds a
-year, and the key of the cellar. I fancy I shall soon get my nose red
-in this house. (_sits_) This here easy chair is uncommon comfortable.
-
-FRANK. (_entering, C. door, a portmanteau in his hand_) I don't see a
-soul about. (_seeing SIMON_) Eh! halloa, my friend! (_shaking him_)
-What are you doing there?
-
-SIMON. (_all aback_) Me, sir! I--I'm a doing my work.
-
-FRANK. Doing what?
-
-SIMON. (_rising_) What do you please to want?
-
-FRANK. I wish to see Mr. or Mrs. Mitchell.
-
-SIMON. Oh! either of them would do, then?
-
-FRANK. (L. C.) Yes.
-
-SIMON. (R. C.) That's lucky, for they are both gone out.
-
-FRANK. Out! then I will await their return.
-
-SIMON. I don't think you will, sir.
-
-FRANK. How do you mean?
-
-SIMON. Why, when master and missus went away this morning, they said
-they were going on a visit, and should be away nine or ten days--and
-the same number of nights too, no doubt.
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) Pleasant information! all this distance from London,
-and not a shilling in my pocket. (_to SIMON_) Are you alone here?
-
-SIMON. Yes, I'm quite alone in the house, except my godfather, who
-lives at the bottom of the garden.
-
-FRANK. The surly old brute I met in the park?
-
-SIMON. Yes, that's godfather.
-
-FRANK. Agreeable society! Well, I must teach myself resignation.
-(_offering portmanteau_) Go and prepare a chamber for me.
-
-SIMON. You are labouring under a mistake, sir; the Golden Lion is on
-the other side of----
-
-FRANK. Ah, true! you do not know me. I am Fra----(_checking himself_)
-No, I mean Harry Mitchell, your master's grandson.
-
-SIMON. Really! well, how lucky! I have a letter for your brother.
-
-FRANK. For my brother Frank?
-
-SIMON. Yes, here it is. (_drawing a letter from his pocket_) I have
-been ordered to post it.
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) I know what are its contents--the old story--you are
-a good-for-nothing fellow, and I shall not give you a sixpence.
-(_aloud, taking letter and putting it into his pocket_) All right, I
-will take care he has it.
-
-SIMON. And so you are Master Harry, eh? You are the favourite, you
-are.
-
-FRANK. How did you learn that?
-
-SIMON. Godfather has made me acquainted with all the family matters,
-for I am quite fresh, I am.
-
-FRANK. You are quite fresh! what do you mean?
-
-SIMON. I mean I was quite new this morning. Godfather brought me here
-and showed me to your grandmother just as she was stepping into the
-old family coach; she had only just time to say, "Oh! this is the
-stupid animal you have told me about." You see, she is so old that she
-doesn't always know what she is talking about.
-
-FRANK. I think, though, her faculties were pretty clear this morning.
-But, as you say, she is rather old--eighty-two. Considerably wrinkled,
-I should think.
-
-SIMON. Her face is just like a little apple that has been dried in the
-sun.
-
-FRANK. And my grandfather?
-
-SIMON. He is like a little pear that has been baked in an oven.
-
-FRANK. I am certain I should not recognize them; they must be very
-dull here, all by themselves.
-
-SIMON. Godfather says that they sometimes yawn till they get a
-lock-jaw; that's why they have just advertised in the papers for
-somebody to read to them.
-
-FRANK. Read to them!
-
-SIMON. Yes, a young lady.
-
-FRANK. (_quickly_) Ah, there is a young lady here?
-
-SIMON. No, sir, she hasn't come yet.
-
-FRANK. What a pity!
-
-SIMON. And they won't want a young lady now they have engaged me.
-
-FRANK. (_laughing_) But you are not a young lady.
-
-SIMON. No, and I can't read, but----
-
-FRANK. Idiot! go and prepare my chamber.
-
-SIMON. (_going, L._) Yes, Master Harry.
-
-FRANK. Stop a moment; is there anything to eat in the pantry?
-
-SIMON. I saw the plate chest there; but I'll go and see, Master Harry.
-Ah! if you were Mr. Frank.
-
-FRANK. Well?
-
-SIMON. I shouldn't be able to find anything. (_confidentially_)
-Godfather says that you are a pet, and that your brother is a bad lot;
-old folks won't have him at any price.
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) I know it but too well. (_aloud_) You will find some
-cigars in my portmanteau, with my pipe and tobacco. Stay; have you got
-the keys of the cellar?
-
-SIMON. Yes, sir.
-
-FRANK. Then bring me some champagne.
-
-SIMON. I will. (_aside_) He'll help me, I can see, to redden my nose!
-
-_Exit, with portmanteau, door, L._
-
-FRANK. Have I done well to present myself here under my brother's
-name, because I know their great preference for him, and that they
-treat me like a Cinderella of the male sex. This is the way I
-discovered that I was no favourite; one day I wrote to them for money,
-and didn't get it: while Harry, who had also written for some, did:
-then I questioned myself as to what I had done, and as to what I had
-not done. I said to myself, it is nearly twelve years since Harry and
-I quitted the old people; we are of the same figure, considerably
-resemble each other; I could easily impose upon my grandmother, who is
-nearly blind, and ditto upon my grandfather, who is quite deaf, and so
-I will go to them and say here is your darling Harry, and express my
-willingness to receive as much money as they choose to give me; if my
-brother were to write I should be there to suppress his letters.
-Wasn't that a clever idea? not particularly honest, but remarkably
-clever; that will teach parents to have a preference, to all
-respectable grandfathers one grandson is as good as another.
-
-_Enter ADELAIDE, door, C., a cloak over her arm, a small carpet bag in
-her hand._
-
-ADELAIDE. Mrs. Mitchell, if you please, sir.
-
-FRANK. (L. C.) Yes, this is her house, but she is gone from home for
-nine or ten days.
-
-ADELA. (R. C.) How unfortunate! And Mr. Mitchell?
-
-FRANK. That's me. I am Mr. Mitchell; Fra----I mean Harry Mitchell.
-
-ADELA. (_aside_) Harry! It is he!
-
-FRANK. Will you have the goodness to take a seat?
-
-ADELA. I thank you. But the Mr. Mitchell of whom I asked you is the
-husband of Mrs. Mitchell, and I do not suppose that----
-
-FRANK. No, certainly; I have not married my grandmother, that sort of
-thing is not allowed, you know. (_aside_) She is deucedly pretty.
-(_aloud_) Will you have the goodness to take a seat?
-
-ADELA. Then your grandfather is also absent.
-
-FRANK. For nine or ten days. I am quite alone here, but that makes no
-difference. (_again offering chair_) Will you have the goodness to----
-
-ADELA. No, thank you. I believe I cannot do better than make my way
-back to the railway station, and return to London. (_going up_)
-
-FRANK. (_following and bringing her back_) But, excuse me, may I be
-allowed to enquire----
-
-ADELA. I believed I had been recommended to them by Mr. Dunstable, as
-a companion to----
-
-FRANK. Certainly, quite correct. (_aside_) She mustn't go, I want a
-companion, dreadfully. (_aloud_) They are expecting you, madam, very
-impatiently, I assure you!
-
-ADELA. Well, but, since they are not at home----
-
-FRANK. Certainly, will you allow me to--(_he takes her cloak and
-carpet bag_) They are in the park, they take a little walk there every
-evening, but they will be back directly; will you have the goodness
-to-- (_taking a chair and seating himself close beside her_)
-
-ADELA. (_shifting her chair, aside_) This Mr. Harry is very forward.
-(_aloud_) And you think, sir, that I shall suit your grandmother?
-
-FRANK. Certainly, you will suit her nicely--and you will suit my
-grandmother capitally--and you will suit my grandfather capitally--and
-you suit me beautifully--and you will suit my brother deli----
-
-ADELA. Ah, you have a brother?
-
-FRANK. Yes, Harry--hem, no--I mean, Frank--I am Harry.
-
-ADELA. But, according to what Mr. Dunstable told me, one of you is a
-very bad fellow.
-
-FRANK. It isn't me; I assure you, it's my brother.
-
-ADELA. Are you quite certain?
-
-FRANK. Quite certain that I am not my brother--oh, yes. But, after
-all, Frank is really a capital fellow; he is, I assure you, I like him
-very much; I do, indeed--may have been a little wild, but----
-
-ADELA. Pardon me, sir, but your grandmother does not return.
-
-FRANK. She is taking a little walk in the park, and perhaps her corns
-are troublesome--she has several, besides two or three bunions! but
-perhaps she has come in and gone to bed--she is subject to--to--to the
-whooping cough----
-
-ADELA. The what, sir?
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) Confound it! I can't think of--(_aloud_) I mean the
-gout--and she always goes to bed early when--but you will see her
-to-morrow.
-
-ADELA. (_taking her portmanteau from FRANK'S hand_) To-morrow? in
-that case I will go to the Golden Lion Hotel, which is near the
-railway station.
-
-FRANK. (_again taking portmanteau from her hand_) No, no--grandmother
-would be so angry--she has caused a chamber to be prepared for you.
-
-ADELA. Indeed!
-
-FRANK. Yes, and supper, for she thought you would arrive late.
-
-_Enter SIMON, L. door._
-
-SIMON. The chamber is ready, sir.
-
-FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) There, you hear! what did I tell you? (_to
-SIMON_) Very well.
-
-SIMON. (_L., aside_) Eh? that woman is a female!
-
-FRANK. (_to SIMON_) And the supper?
-
-ADELA. Thank you, but I am not hungry.
-
-SIMON. The supper is ready, too. (_aside to FRANK_) But, sir--
-
-FRANK. (_giving him a sly kick_) Be quiet!
-
-ADELA. (_taking her cloak and portmanteau from FRANK_) I will go to my
-apartment. (_L., to SIMON_) I beg you will let me know immediately
-that Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell have returned from their walk?
-
-SIMON. (_C., astonished_) Eh, returned from their walk?
-
-FRANK. (_kicking as before, and crossing to L. C._) Hold your tongue.
-(_to ADELAIDE_) Oh, yes, directly they return, you may depend on that.
-
-_Exit ADELAIDE, L. door._
-
-SIMON. (R. C.) But, sir, if that young lady is going to wait till the
-old people return----
-
-FRANK. (C.) Hold your tongue. (_aside_) She mustn't go, she is a
-charming creature, and I have fallen head over ears in love with
-her--she, the companion of a couple of old fogies--I mean, my honoured
-grand-parents. (_aloud_) Simon!
-
-SIMON. Sir!
-
-FRANK. I want my grandfather's morning gown.
-
-SIMON. His morning gown?
-
-FRANK. Yes; don't say he doesn't wear one, all old
-fogies--grandfathers, I mean--wear a morning gown.
-
-SIMON. (_going to closet_) Very well, sir. (_bringing morning gown
-forward_) Here it is, sir!
-
-FRANK. Very well! try it on directly.
-
-SIMON. Me?
-
-FRANK. Yes, you--make haste!
-
-SIMON. (_putting on morning gown_) Perhaps you are going to make me a
-present of one like it, and want to see if it will fit.
-
-FRANK. Perhaps.
-
-SIMON. I'd rather have a coat, with nice long tails.
-
-FRANK. (_hunting in closet_) Here, now put on this cap. (_giving him
-morning cap_)
-
-SIMON. Well, but----
-
-FRANK. No observations; put the cap on, or I discharge you. (_pulls
-the cap down over SIMON'S eyes_)
-
-SIMON. Don't--I will!
-
-FRANK. Now, muffle your face up--good--turn about, walk, not like
-that, stoop--bend your back--that's it! Now, where is grandmother's
-chamber? (_seeing ADELAIDE--who enters, door, L._) Hush! here she is!
-
-SIMON. (_R. C.--frightened_) Your grandmother?
-
-FRANK. (C.) Don't stir!
-
-ADELA. (_aside_) I know not why, but I felt frightened while in that
-great apartment. (_seeing SIMON_) Ah!
-
-FRANK. Miss--hem--miss--ah! here is my grandfather, he has just
-returned----
-
-SIMON. (_aside--looking about_) His grandfather, where is he?
-
-ADELA. (_L. C.--curtseying_) Sir!
-
-FRANK. (_making signs to SIMON_) Grandfather, this is the companion of
-whom I have just told you.
-
-SIMON. (_astonished--to FRANK_) What, me!
-
-FRANK. (_aside--to him_) Hold your tongue, or I'll break your back.
-(_shouting_) The female companion. (_to ADELAIDE_) He is dreadfully
-deaf; but that is not astonishing at his age--ninety-three--yes, I
-assure you, he is ninety-three!
-
-SIMON. Oh! really, sir----
-
-FRANK. Hold your tongue, or be killed! (_shouting_) You are very
-tired, sit down, dear grandfather. (_to ADELAIDE_) The very shortest
-walk fatigues him, and no wonder, for as I said before, he is
-ninety-seven, and--(_pushing SIMON violently into easy chair_) Sit
-down, dear grandfather! (_aside to him_) Sit down, you brute, and say
-your wife will be back directly!
-
-SIMON. (_astonished_) My wife will be back directly.
-
-FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) He says his wife will be back directly.
-
-ADELA. Very well, sir; I will wait.
-
-FRANK. She is still in the park--grandfather's legs are so weak--to
-say nothing that he has the rheumatism; but, you know, an old
-soldier----
-
-SIMON. (_aside_) Now I am an old soldier!
-
-ADELA. Ah! your grandfather has served in----
-
-FRANK. Certainly! (_to SIMON_) Grandfather, the young lady asks if you
-have served. (_aside--to him_) Why don't you answer?
-
-SIMON. Oh! yes, yes! I'm in service now!
-
-FRANK. (_punching him slyly_) You jackass!
-
-ADELA. What did he say?
-
-FRANK. Oh! nothing--don't mind him--he isn't always quite right in his
-head--rather idiotic sometimes.
-
-ADELA. Poor old gentleman.
-
-SIMON. (_aside_) Now I'm an idiot!
-
-FRANK. His great age, as I said before, ninety-nine, you know! (_to
-SIMON_) As you say that grandmother is on her way home, you had better
-go and meet her.
-
-ADELA. How! fatigued as he is, and at his age to go alone----
-
-FRANK. Exactly! Surely, at his age, he is old enough to go alone!
-
-ADELA. No, no; go you, and I will stay here and bear your grandfather
-company.
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) The devil! leave them together. (_aloud_) Why, you
-see----
-
-ADELA. I entreat you, the air is so chilly, and as he is suffering
-with the rheumatism----
-
-FRANK. Ah, true! (_shouting to SIMON_) Don't stir! this young lady
-will keep you company----
-
-SIMON. (_aside to FRANK_) And I shouldn't at all mind keeping company
-with her.
-
-FRANK. (_punching him slyly_) Must I murder you?
-
-SIMON. No, you mustn't.
-
-FRANK. (_aside to him_) Mind that to everything she says, you answer
-only, "My wife will be back directly."
-
-SIMON. Yes, sir.
-
-FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) Now I'm off to fetch grandmother.
-
-_Exit, C. door._
-
-ADELA. (_looking after FRANK_) That, then, is the Mr. Harry of whom I
-have heard so much from my sister. He is not at all bad-looking; but
-with all his good looks, he is a very worthless fellow.
-
-SIMON. (_coughing_) Hum! hum!
-
-ADELA. Oh! I was quite forgetting the old gentleman. (_going to
-SIMON_) There, place your feet on that. (_giving him a footstool_)
-Now, are you comfortable?
-
-SIMON. My wife will be back directly.
-
-ADELA. You are not cold?
-
-SIMON. (_taking a pinch of snuff_) My wife will be back directly.
-
-ADELA. There is a draught from this side--ah! this cushion. (_places a
-cushion at his back_)
-
-SIMON. (_aside_) Isn't she tucking me up nicely! it's rather pleasant
-to be old--atchieu! (_sneezing_)
-
-ADELA. Heaven bless you!
-
-SIMON. My wife will be back directly.
-
-ADELA. He is deaf as a post. (_to herself_) Yes, Mr. Harry is a scamp:
-but luckily, we had for neighbour that good man, Mr. Dunstable.
-(_shouting to SIMON_) Your friend Dunstable.
-
-SIMON. My wife will be----
-
-ADELA. (_interrupting him_) Yes, yes, I know! And when he learned Mr.
-Harry's conduct to my dear sister Jane, the idea occurred to him to
-send me here as a companion to--"Go to their house," he said, "you
-will see Mrs. Mitchell, not her husband, he----"
-
-SIMON. My wife will be----
-
-ADELA. (_turning towards SIMON_) "He counts for nothing, but his
-wife----"
-
-SIMON. Back directly.
-
-ADELA. "You will tell her all, and I have no doubt she will arrange
-the marriage, and----"
-
-SIMON. (_aside_) What is she going on about? (_aloud_) Hem! hem!
-
-ADELA. Did you speak?
-
-SIMON. My wife will be back directly.
-
-ADELA. Poor old gentleman! his intellect appears quite shattered.
-(_shouting_) I suppose you retire to rest very early?
-
-SIMON. My wife will be back directly.
-
-FRANK. (_without, in an assumed voice_) Very well, I shall find her.
-
-ADELA. That voice! Mrs. Mitchell, no doubt.
-
-SIMON. (_aside, frightened_) Grandmother! then I'm booked! (_about to
-bolt off, R. door, is met by FRANK, who enters, C. door, dressed as an
-old lady_)
-
-FRANK. (_stopping SIMON_) Eh! where are you hobbling to? (_aside to
-SIMON, in natural voice_) If you don't keep still----
-
-SIMON. (_R., aside, amazed_) Eh! Mr. Harry!
-
-ADELA. (_L., curtseying_) Madam----
-
-FRANK. (_C., to ADELAIDE_) Ah! there you are, little darling; my
-grandson told me just now that----
-
-SIMON. (_sinking again into easy chair, R. C._) My wife will be back
-directly.
-
-ADELA. I am sorry, madam, to have interrupted your walk.
-
-FRANK. I was coming home, for the dew is beginning to fall.
-
-SIMON. (_aside_) I wish my wages were falling due--I can't stand this.
-
-FRANK. (_patting ADELAIDE'S cheeks_) Ah! what a pretty little
-creature--ah! what is your name, poppet?
-
-ADELA. Adelaide.
-
-FRANK. Ah! my name is Selina Matilda. You found Mr. Mitchell very dull
-company, didn't you? Wait a minute--I'll send him to bed. (_shouting_)
-Philomel! Philomel! (_aside to SIMON, and giving him a sly punch_) Why
-don't you answer, you brute?
-
-SIMON. Oh, is that me?
-
-FRANK. Go to bed, my cherished love. (_aside to him_) Be off, you
-beast! (_aloud_) I will assist you as far as your chamber. Come, dear
-love. (_raising SIMON from chair_)
-
-SIMON. (_aside to him_) Do you mean it?
-
-FRANK. Of course I do. (_kicking him slyly_) Idiot!
-
-SIMON. Oh! I say, that hurts, you know.
-
-FRANK. (_leading him towards door, R._) Come, cherished husband of my
-youth--worshipped of my old age. (_seeing ADELAIDE is not looking_)
-Get out, you hippopotamus! (_giving him a violent kick and bundling
-him off violently, door, R._)
-
-ADELA. (_turning at the noise_) What was that?
-
-FRANK. Nothing--my poor husband knocked his head against the door
-post, that's all. (_aside_) What a charming little creature she is!
-Now, tell me, my love, who sent you here?
-
-ADELA. Oh, you know perfectly well, your friend, Mr. Dunstable.
-
-FRANK. Ah, to be sure. I hope Mr. Constable is quite well.
-
-ADELA. Dunstable--yes, madam.
-
-FRANK. And his wife?
-
-ADELA. His wife! Why he has been a widower for the last fifteen years.
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) Phew! (_aloud_) Ah, to be sure, she is dead, then she
-is quite well.
-
-  (_singing_) When we are dead it's for a long time,
-          Says the old adage with wisdom rife;
-        When we are dead it's for a long time,
-          And we're cured of the tooth-ache for all our life.
-
-(_laughing_) He, he, he! you will soon see, my dear, that I am a very
-gay old lady.
-
-ADELA. I see that already!
-
-FRANK. My duck, I suppose you have a sweetheart?
-
-ADELA. A sweetheart?
-
-FRANK. You needn't mind telling me, I'm an old woman, you know; you
-are young and pretty. Ah, when I was your age, I pledge you my word I
-was a beauty.
-
-ADELA. No doubt of it, madam.
-
-FRANK. Ah, on the day of my marriage with Mr. Mitchell--and that
-reminds me, I want my supper.
-
-ADELA. The table is already laid yonder. I will bring it to this room.
-
-_Exit, door, L._
-
-FRANK. Wait for me, my love; I'll assist you. (_toddles to door, L.,
-and he and ADELAIDE bring on table ready served; they place the table,
-C., and sit; ADELAIDE is moving the lamp nearer to FRANK_)
-
-FRANK. (_R. of table_) No, no, don't do that, my dear, my eyes are so
-weak; why here is only one plate and knife and fork.
-
-ADELA. (_L. of table_) It doesn't matter, I have no appetite.
-
-FRANK. Nor I. (_filling glasses_) But a glass of wine----
-
-ADELA. No, thank you.
-
-FRANK. I must. (_drinks_) I require several glasses to cheer the
-cockles of my aged heart. (_fills again and drinks_)
-
-ADELA. (_aside_) What a strange old lady. (_aloud, seeing them on
-table_) Eh! a pipe and tobacco!
-
-FRANK. Yes, my love; my medical man orders me to smoke, because my
-poor husband has got the rheumatism. (_filling his pipe_) But if you
-object----
-
-ADELA. Oh, dear, no; not at all.
-
-FRANK. (_lighting his pipe and smoking_) Ah, it's a great comfort for
-an aged creetur! (_rising_) Come here, my love.
-
-ADELA. (_rising and going to him_) Yes, madam.
-
-FRANK. I like you, my dear, and I'll be a mother to you--kiss me, my
-darling. (_putting his arm round her waist and kissing her_)
-
-ADELA. (_starting_) Eh?
-
-FRANK. What's the matter?
-
-ADELA. (_hesitating, and rubbing her cheek_) 'Tis very strange,
-but----
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) Oh, I forgot I hadn't shaved to-day.
-
-ADELA. One would really think--oh, how you open your eyes and
-stare----
-
-FRANK. (_resuming his natural voice_) The better to see you with, my
-dear.
-
-ADELA. (_frightened_) That voice!
-
-FRANK. The better to tell you that I love you--my dear--
-
-ADELA. A man! who are you?
-
-FRANK. One who adores you! I am Frank--I mean Harry Mitchell.
-(_advancing to her, she eludes him and runs over to R._)
-
-ADELA. Oh, wretch, villain! oh, oh, oh! I am very ill--oh, oh! (_falls
-into chair_)
-
-FRANK. (_running about_) Oh, curse it! here's a mess I've made of it.
-
-ADELA. Oh, oh!
-
-FRANK. What must I do?--bite her finger, I suppose!
-
-ADELA. Oh, salts, vinegar!
-
-FRANK. Yes, yes--oh, I wonder where grandmother keeps her salt and
-vinegar!
-
-_Runs off, L. door--ADELAIDE jumps up, runs to the door and bolts it
-behind him--SIMON enters, R. door, tipsy, a bottle in his hand, and
-still wearing the morning gown and cap._
-
-SIMON. (_singing_) Grief is a folly,
-                   We'll sing and be jolly!
-
-ADELA. Mr. Mitchell, in that dreadful state!
-
-SIMON. Where are you, Mr. Sir? it's me, Simon--you must wait upon
-yourself--I'm going to bed.
-
-ADELA. (_aside_) Simon! the servant, ah, I understand. (_aloud, to
-SIMON_) Oh, it is you, is it?
-
-SIMON. (_aside_) The young lady! (_dropping into easy chair and acting
-the old man again_) My wife will be back directly--
-
-ADELA. (_pulling him from chair_) Yes; and Mr. Mitchell will also be
-back directly.
-
-SIMON. (_frightened and placing the bottle on easy chair_) Mr.
-Mitchell!
-
-ADELA. (C.) And I will tell him all!
-
-SIMON. (_on his knees_) Don't! I shall lose my place, before I have
-had time to redden my nose--'tisn't my fault--it's the keys of the
-cellar did it--and Mr. Harry----
-
-ADELA. It was he who made you thus disguise yourself--confess and I
-forgive you!
-
-SIMON. (_rising_) Yes; he arrived this evening, on a visit to his
-grandfather and grandmother, whom he hasn't seen for twelve years; and
-as they went away this morning----
-
-ADELA. He hasn't encountered them?
-
-SIMON. How was he to do it, I should like to know.
-
-ADELA. And you say that 'tis twelve years since----
-
-SIMON. Yes!
-
-ADELA. 'Tis well! now you go to the park gate, and you will ring as if
-your mistress had returned.
-
-SIMON. My wife will be back directly--but as she is gone away----
-
-ADELA. No matter; obey me, or I tell all. (_door, L., is violently
-shaken_) There he is--open yonder door--now, Mr. Harry, we shall see!
-(_runs off, door, R.--shaking at door, L., continues_)
-
-SIMON. (_staggering across_) Don't be in a hurry--don't be in a hurry!
-(_unbolts door, L.--FRANK darts on with scent bottle, which he rams
-against SIMON'S nose_)
-
-FRANK. Sniff--sniff! and then swallow it--eh? (_looking round_) Where
-is she?
-
-SIMON. Here I am, sir.
-
-FRANK. (_crossing to R._) The young lady that I left here fainting.
-
-SIMON. (_looking round_) Eh? yes, she _is_ gone.
-
-FRANK. (_trying R. door_) Fastened! (_looking at SIMON_) Go to bed,
-wretch! (_placing scent bottle on table_)
-
-SIMON. (_taking cushion from easy chair_) Let me get my pillow.
-
-FRANK. Horribly drunk!
-
-SIMON. I was just now, but it's evaporating.
-
-FRANK. Go out into the air.
-
-SIMON. (_going_) Yes, I'll go to the park gate, and go to bed.
-
-FRANK. Be off!
-
-SIMON. (_returning_) Stop a bit--I haven't got my nightcap. (_takes
-bottle from easy chair_)
-
-FRANK. (_pushing him off_) Begone, drunken brute!
-
-_SIMON goes off, C. door, carrying cushion and bottle._
-
-I have behaved like a ruffian to that charming creature--I must obtain
-her forgiveness, for I doat upon her--never was in love before, and
-the novel sensation is so delightful that--(_tapping at R. door_)
-Adelaide--Miss Adelaide--charming Adelaide! if you would but pardon
-me--if you would but hear me! (_gate bell rings without_) What's that
-about at this time of night? Oh! it's that idiot Simon; he said he was
-going to the park gates. Luckily there is no one to be disturbed here.
-
-_ADELAIDE enters, C. door, as an old lady._
-
-ADELA. No, no, I don't want anybody to accompany me.
-
-FRANK. (_turning_) Who's that?
-
-ADELA. (_aside_) You will know presently. (_aloud_) Eh! a woman! what
-do you want here? who are you?
-
-FRANK. For that matter, ma'am, who are you?
-
-ADELA. Who am I! you ask me that! Don't you know I am the mistress of
-this house?
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) My grandmother--phew! I should never have known her.
-
-ADELA. And I should be glad to know what you are doing in my house at
-this hour of the night.
-
-FRANK. (R. C.) Well, the fact is--(_aside_) The devil, though, I can't
-tell her in this dress that I am her grandson.
-
-ADELA. (_going up_) If you don't answer, I shall call Simon to bundle
-you out.
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) Ah! (_aloud_) I am the companion.
-
-ADELA. You a companion at your age?
-
-FRANK. Yes, ma'am, I am a widow.
-
-ADELA. But Dunstable wrote to me that she was young and pretty; and
-you are as old as the hills.
-
-FRANK. Oh, no! but I have seen so much trouble.
-
-ADELA. And you are ugly--downright ugly.
-
-FRANK. Well, beauty is all a matter of opinion.
-
-ADELA. And look here, what is this? (_taking FRANK by the arm and
-making him pass before her_) Wine, cigars, a pipe, in my house!
-gracious goodness!
-
-FRANK. (L. C.) I was going to tell you--it's your grandson.
-
-ADELA. (R. C.) My grandson?
-
-FRANK. Yes, Harry--he is here--and the pipe-- (_aside_) I shall bolt.
-(_aloud_) I will inform him of your arrival.
-
-ADELA. (_clutching his arm_) No, never mind, I shall see him
-to-morrow. (_looking at him and starting_) Why, can I believe my eyes?
-that's one of my gowns you have on.
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) Oh, lord!
-
-ADELA. And that is my bonnet.
-
-FRANK. I'll tell you how it happened----
-
-ADELA. And that mantle is mine, too.
-
-FRANK. Well, as to the mantle----
-
-ADELA. You are a pretty companion--you are a thief.
-
-FRANK. A thief!
-
-ADELA. Yes, one of the female swell mob. I'll send Simon for the
-police.
-
-_FRANK runs off, C. door._
-
-(_laughing_) Now, Mr. Harry, I think we are equal. It is too late
-to-night to go to the Golden Lion; so I will stay here, retain this
-costume, and----
-
-FRANK. (_without_) My grandmother arrived!
-
-ADELA. Ah! he is returning. I did not bargain for that. (_going over
-to L._) But he will not suspect, and----
-
-FRANK. (_running on, door C._) Grandmother, grandmother, embrace your
-little grandson--let me kiss you, grandmother!
-
-ADELA. (_retreating_) No, no, certainly not.
-
-FRANK. Then you no longer love your little grandson?
-
-ADELA. You are a wicked boy.
-
-FRANK. Oh, grandmother!
-
-ADELA. Poor Jane!
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) Who is she, I wonder?
-
-ADELA. After having been so long engaged to marry her, everything
-prepared, the wedding day fixed, all at once you write that you have
-altered your mind, and don't intend to marry yet awhile, leaving poor
-Jane to break her heart and die.
-
-FRANK. Really, I am very sorry for poor Jane--though, 'pon my soul, I
-don't know who she is.
-
-ADELA. Oh, Harry, Harry!
-
-FRANK. Ah! I see how it is; you think I am Harry.
-
-ADELA. Well?
-
-FRANK. (_aside_) I am not going to answer for his evil deeds.
-(_aloud_) Well, I happen to be Frank.
-
-ADELA. You are Frank!
-
-FRANK. I am free to confess that I am, and the proof (_drawing papers
-from his pocket_) see--no, that is my tailor's bill; 'tis not at
-present receipted, but I depend on your liberality, grandmother----
-
-ADELA. (_aside_) What does this mean?
-
-FRANK. (_finding letter that has been given him by SIMON_) Yes, here
-it is; look at that; the letter which you wrote to me. (_reading_) "My
-dear Frank," you see, "your brother Harry is a bad fellow; tell him
-from us that unless he becomes within a week, the husband of poor
-Jane, we have done with him for ever."
-
-ADELA. (_aside_) What do I hear?
-
-FRANK. "For yourself, if you wish that I should still love you----"
-(_hugging ADELAIDE_) Oh, my dear grandmother.
-
-ADELA. There, there; that will do.
-
-FRANK. "You will also get married." Do you really wish to see me
-married?
-
-ADELA. Well--I--that is----
-
-FRANK. Well, grandmother, you won't have to wait long; there is now in
-this house a charming young creature, she arrived but this evening,
-yet----
-
-ADELA. (_astonished_) And it is she?
-
-FRANK. Yes, grandmother.
-
-ADELA. You know her, then?
-
-FRANK. Know her----
-
-_SIMON staggers on, door, L., still drunk, and wearing morning gown,
-&c., and carrying cushion and bottle._
-
-SIMON. Sir, sir, your grandmother is returned.
-
-FRANK. (R.) I know that, you fool, for here she is.
-
-SIMON. (L.) Oh, but I mean the real 'un.
-
-FRANK. The what?
-
-ADELA. (C.) Can it be possible?
-
-SIMON. Godfather has just seen them; the old coach broke down, the
-roads were so bad; so they have come back, and I was in the park, just
-going to bed----(_staggering, and trying to pull off morning
-gown--Exit, door C._)
-
-ADELA. (_hastily snatching off her old woman's dress_) Oh, heaven!
-
-FRANK. Ah! you!
-
-ADELA. Let me go, for now that I know your brother will really marry
-my sister----
-
-FRANK. Poor Jane is your sister?
-
-ADELA. Jane Stirling, yes.
-
-FRANK. Oh, well, of course, it's a family arrangement, altogether--and
-you and I are bound to get married immediately.
-
-ADELA. What do you say?
-
-FRANK. The two weddings will make but one.
-
-ADELA. Well, by-and-bye, we shall see, perhaps. (_bell rings_)
-
-_Enter SIMON, L., door._
-
-SIMON. (_down, L._) There they are, do you hear that?
-
-FRANK. Simon, if you say a word about this night's proceedings, I will
-tell grandfather that you have been wearing his morning gown.
-
-SIMON. Oh, sir, it was you that----
-
-ADELA. (_crossing to SIMON_) And I will tell him you were tipsy.
-
-SIMON. Oh, mum!
-
-FRANK. Now, let us prepare to receive them.
-
-ADELA. Yes.
-
-SIMON. Oh, you needn't be in a hurry, they don't walk very fast, you
-will have time to get married, and to ask pardon for all your sins.
-
-ADELA. (_to AUDIENCE_) More indulgence is always shewn to venerable
-age than is bestowed on giddy youth, and our great age, we think,
-deserves your consideration.
-
-FRANK. (_as old woman_) Think of my eighty years, and be good
-children. Simon, 'tis now your turn to implore!
-
-SIMON. My wife will be back directly!
-
-
-  FRANK.       ADELAIDE.       SIMON.
-R.                                    L.
-
-
-_Curtain._
-
-
-Printed by Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn.
-
-
-
-
-Transcriber's Note
-
-This transcription is based on images digitized from a microform copy
-made available by the University of California, Davis. These images
-have been posted on the Internet Archive at:
-
-    archive.org/details/SuterWantedYoungLady
-
-Because of the quality of the images, this transcription was compared
-with the text posted by the Victorian Plays Project at:
-
-    victorian.nuigalway.ie/modx/assets/docs/pdf/Vol66ivWanted.pdf
-
-In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting,
-punctuation and spelling of the source text, including variant
-spellings such as "atchieu," "doat," and "shewn."
-
-The following changes were made:
-
--- p. 3: Deleted "[Mr. Lacy's List.]" at the top of the page. This
-appears to be a typesetting error.
-
--- p. 3: SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C; door,
-R;_--For consistency, added a period after "C" and "R".
-
--- p. 8: FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) He says his wife will be back
-direcctly.--Changed "direcctly" to "directly".
-
--- p. 12: FRANK. Nor I. (_filling glasses_) but a glass of
-wine--Capitalized "but" after the parenthesis.
-
--- p. 12: my poor husband has got the rheumatism. (_filling his pipe_)
-but if you object--Capitalized "but" after the parenthesis.
-
--- p. 13: (_runs off, door, R.--shaking at, door, L.,
-continues_)--Deleted comma after "_at_".
-
--- p. 14: FRANK. (R. C ) Well, the fact is--Inserted a period between
-"C" and the closing parenthesis.
-
-
-
-
-
-
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