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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-02-04 23:12:21 -0800 |
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- margin-left: 4.2em; - text-indent: -1.1em - } -/* For subsequent lines of verse */ -p.i0_2 { - text-align: left; - margin-left: 5.1em; - text-indent: -4em - } -/* For first line of verse - version 2*/ -p.i3 { - text-align: left; - margin-left: 5.1em; - text-indent: -1em - } -/* For subsequent lines of verse */ - -/*CSS toolbox*/ -.pagebreak { - page-break-before: always - } -.noindent { - text-indent: 0 - } -.center { - text-indent: 0; - text-align: center - } -.italics { - font-style: italic - } -.bold { - font-weight: bold - } -.slightlybigfont { - font-size: 115% - } -.bigfont { - font-size: 150% - } -.smallishfont { - font-size: 95% - } -.smallfont { - font-size: 90% - } -.smallerfont { - font-size: 80% - } -small { - font-size: 80% - } -.tinyfont { - font-size: 75% - } -.pad_top_quarter_em { - padding-top: 0.25em - } -.pad_top_half_em { - padding-top: 0.5em - } -.pad_top_one_em { - padding-top: 1em - } -.pad_top_two_em { - padding-top: 2em - } -.pad_bottom_half_em { - padding-bottom: 0.5em - } -.no_bottom { - margin-bottom: 0 - } -.no_top { - margin-top: 0 - } -.spacing { - letter-spacing: 0.1em - } - -/*CSS for Transcriber's note*/ -ul { - margin-top: 0.5em; - margin-bottom: 0.25em - } -li { - margin-bottom: 0.5em - } -div.tnote { - margin-right: 5%; - margin-left: 5%; - padding-bottom: 0.5em; - padding-top: 0; - padding-left: 0.5em; - padding-right: 0.5em; - margin-top: 2em; - font-size: 90%; - background: #eee; - border: solid 0.075em - } -h3.tnote { - font-style: italic; - font-size: 110%; - font-weight: bold; - padding-top: 0.5em - } -</style> -</head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Wanted, A Young Lady', by William E. Suter - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: 'Wanted, A Young Lady' - A Farce, in One Act - -Author: William E. Suter - -Release Date: October 8, 2015 [EBook #50153] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'WANTED, A YOUNG LADY' *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Haxo from a copy generously made available -by the University of California, Davis, and with special -thanks to the Victorian Plays Project. - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div class="cover"> -<img alt="Cover" src="images/cover.jpg" title="Cover" height="100%"/> -</div> - -<div class="chapter" id="Front_Matter"> -<div id="title_page"> -<p class="title">“WANTED, A YOUNG LADY”—</p> - -<p class="subtitle italics">A Farce,</p> - -<p class="subtitle"><span class="smallishfont">IN ONE ACT.</span></p> - -<p class="by">BY</p> - -<p class="author"><span class="spacing">W. E. SUTE</span>R,</p> - -<p class="tinyfont center">AUTHOR OF</p> - -<p class="list_of_plays">The Pirates of the Savannah, Idiot of the Mountain, Syren of -Paris, Angel of Midnight, Old House on the Bridge, Outlaw of the Adriatic, Sarah’s Young -Man, A Quiet Family, John Wopps, Rifle Volunteer, Brother Bill and Me, Highwayman’s -Holiday, Accusing Spirit, First Love, Our New Man, Fan-fan, the Tulip, &c., -&c.</p> - -<p class="publisher"><span class="spacing">THOMAS HAILES LAC</span>Y,</p> - -<p class="center smallishfont">89, STRAND, LONDON.</p> -</div> - -<div class="pagebreak"></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center pad_top_two_em">“WANTED, A YOUNG LADY.”</p> - -<h3 class="verso pad_top_one_em" id="cast">Characters.</h3> - -<p class="cast">ADELAIDE STIRLING (<i>First Comedy</i>)</p> - -<p class="cast">FRANK MITCHELL (<i>First Comedy</i>)</p> - -<p class="cast">SIMON SNOOZLE (<i>Low Comedy</i>)</p> - -<hr class="med"/> - -<h3 class="verso" id="costumes">Costumes.</h3> - -<p class="costume no_top">F<small>RANK</small>. <i>First Dress</i>—Travelling suit. -<i>Second</i>—Old lady’s hood, silk gown, shawl, spectacles, and stick. <i>Third</i>—Same -as first.</p> - -<p class="costume">S<small>IMON</small>. <i>First Dress</i>—Half livery. -<i>Second</i>—Velvet cap and silk dressing gown.</p> - -<p class="costume">A<small>DELAIDE</small>. <i>First Dress</i>—Travelling dress. -<i>Second</i>—Silk bonnet, veil, spectacles, shawl, and stick.</p> - -<hr class="small"/> - -<p class="center smallfont"><i>Time in Representation—</i>40 <i>Minutes.</i></p> -</div> - -<div class="chapter" id="play"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> - -<h3 class="title" id="title">“WANTED, A YOUNG LADY”—</h3> - -<hr class="under_title"/> - -<p class="description">S<small>CENE</small>.—<i>Interior of an old Country Mansion; -door</i>, <small>C</small>.<i>; door</i>, <small>R</small>.<i>; door</i> -<small>L</small>.<i>; easy chairs; couch</i>, <small>L</small>.<i>; fire-place</i>, -<small>R</small>.<i>; clock</i>, <small>C</small>.<i>; chairs, &c.; table</i>, -<small>R</small>., <i>on it a lighted lamp; closet at back</i>, <small>L</small>.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>entering, door</i> <small>C</small>.) Yes, yes, godfather, -make your mind easy, you may sleep quietly on both sides of your face. (<i>advancing</i>) -That’s a saying in our parts; but I have tried it, and I couldn’t do it. (<i>looking at -clock</i>) Seven o’clock! what a litter this room is in. (<i>placing chairs, &c.</i>) -And look here. (<i>indicating clothes scattered over an easy chair</i>) What’s all this? -Oh, old master’s morning gown. (<i>places it in the closet</i>) I have an idea that this -place of mine suits me very well. I am boarded and lodged and washed, eight pounds a year, -and the key of the cellar. I fancy I shall soon get my nose red in this house. -(<i>sits</i>) This here easy chair is uncommon comfortable.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>entering</i>, <small>C</small>. <i>door, a portmanteau in his -hand</i>) I don’t see a soul about. (<i>seeing</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Eh! halloa, my -friend! (<i>shaking him</i>) What are you doing there?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>all aback</i>) Me, sir! I—I’m a doing my work.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Doing what?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>rising</i>) What do you please to want?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I wish to see Mr. or Mrs. Mitchell.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh! either of them would do, then?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>L</small>. <small>C</small>.) Yes.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<small>R</small>. <small>C</small>.) That’s lucky, for they are -both gone out.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Out! then I will await their return.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. I don’t think you will, sir.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. How do you mean?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Why, when master and missus went away this morning, they said -they were going on a visit, and should be away nine or ten days—and the same number of -nights too, no doubt.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Pleasant information! all this distance from -London, and not a shilling in my pocket. (<i>to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Are you alone -here?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Yes, I’m quite alone in the house, except my godfather, who lives -at the bottom of the garden.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. The surly old brute I met in the park?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Yes, that’s godfather.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Agreeable society! Well, I must teach myself resignation. -(<i>offering portmanteau</i>) Go and prepare a chamber for me.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. You are labouring under a mistake, sir; the Golden Lion is on the -other side of——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Ah, true! you do not know me. I am Fra——(<i>checking himself</i>) -No, I mean Harry Mitchell, your master’s grandson.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Really! well, how lucky! I have a letter for your brother.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. For my brother Frank?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Yes, here it is. (<i>drawing a letter from his pocket</i>) I have -been ordered to post it.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) I know what are its contents—the old story—you are -a good-for-nothing fellow, and I shall not give you a sixpence. (<i>aloud, taking letter -and putting it into his pocket</i>) All right, I will take care he has it.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. And so you are Master Harry, eh? You are the favourite, you -are.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. How did you learn that?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Godfather has made me acquainted with all the family matters, for -I am quite fresh, I am.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. You are quite fresh! what do you mean?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. I mean I was quite new this morning. Godfather brought me here -and showed me to your grandmother just as she was stepping into the old family coach; she -had only just time to say, “Oh! this is the stupid animal you have told me about.” You -see, she is so old that she doesn’t always know what she is talking about.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I think, though, her faculties were pretty clear this morning. -But, as you say, she is rather old—eighty-two. Considerably wrinkled, I should think.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Her face is just like a little apple that has been dried in the -sun.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. And my grandfather?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. He is like a little pear that has been baked in an oven.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I am certain I should not recognize them; they must be very dull -here, all by themselves.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Godfather says that they sometimes yawn till they get a lock-jaw; -that’s why they have just advertised in the papers for somebody to read to them.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Read to them!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Yes, a young lady.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>quickly</i>) Ah, there is a young lady here?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. No, sir, she hasn’t come yet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. What a pity!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. And they won’t want a young lady now they have engaged me.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>laughing</i>) But you are not a young lady.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. No, and I can’t read, but——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Idiot! go and prepare my chamber.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>going</i>, <small>L</small>.) Yes, Master Harry.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Stop a moment; is there anything to eat in the pantry?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. I saw the plate chest there; but I’ll go and see, Master Harry. -Ah! if you were Mr. Frank.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Well?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. I shouldn’t be able to find anything. (<i>confidentially</i>) -Godfather says that you are a pet, and that your brother is a bad lot; old folks won’t -have him at any price.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) I know it but too well. (<i>aloud</i>) You will -find some cigars in my portmanteau, with my pipe and tobacco. Stay; have you got the keys -of the cellar?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Yes, sir.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Then bring me some champagne.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. I will. (<i>aside</i>) He’ll help me, I can see, to redden my -nose!</p> - -<p class="direction_r"><i>Exit, with portmanteau, door</i>, <small>L</small>.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Have I done well to present myself here under my brother’s name, -because I know their great preference for him, and that they treat me like a Cinderella of -the male sex. This is the way I discovered that I was no favourite; one day I wrote to -them for money, and didn’t get it: while Harry, who had also written for some, did: then I -questioned myself as to what I had done, and as to what I had not done. I said to myself, -it is nearly twelve years since Harry and I quitted the old people; we are of the same -figure, considerably resemble each other; I could easily impose upon my grandmother, who -is nearly blind, and ditto upon my grandfather, who is quite deaf, and so I will go to -them and say here is your darling Harry, and express my willingness to receive as much -money as they choose to give me; if my brother were to write I should be there to suppress -his letters. Wasn’t that a clever idea? not particularly honest, but remarkably clever; -that will teach parents to have a preference, to all respectable grandfathers one grandson -is as good as another.</p> - -<p class="entrance"><i>Enter</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>, <i>door</i>, <small>C</small>., -<i>a cloak over her arm, a small carpet bag in her hand.</i></p> - -<p>A<small>DELAIDE</small>. Mrs. Mitchell, if you please, sir.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>L</small>. <small>C</small>.) Yes, this is her house, but -she is gone from home for nine or ten days.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-6">[Pg 6]</a></span></p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<small>R</small>. <small>C</small>.) How unfortunate! And Mr. -Mitchell?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. That’s me. I am Mr. Mitchell; Fra——I mean Harry Mitchell.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Harry! It is he!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Will you have the goodness to take a seat?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. I thank you. But the Mr. Mitchell of whom I asked you is the -husband of Mrs. Mitchell, and I do not suppose that——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. No, certainly; I have not married my grandmother, that sort of -thing is not allowed, you know. (<i>aside</i>) She is deucedly pretty. (<i>aloud</i>) Will -you have the goodness to take a seat?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Then your grandfather is also absent.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. For nine or ten days. I am quite alone here, but that makes no -difference. (<i>again offering chair</i>) Will you have the goodness to——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. No, thank you. I believe I cannot do better than make my way back -to the railway station, and return to London. (<i>going up</i>)</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>following and bringing her back</i>) But, excuse me, may I be -allowed to enquire——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. I believed I had been recommended to them by Mr. Dunstable, as a -companion to——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Certainly, quite correct. (<i>aside</i>) She mustn’t go, I want a -companion, dreadfully. (<i>aloud</i>) They are expecting you, madam, very impatiently, I -assure you!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Well, but, since they are not at home——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Certainly, will you allow me to—(<i>he takes her cloak and carpet -bag</i>) They are in the park, they take a little walk there every evening, but they will -be back directly; will you have the goodness to— (<i>taking a chair and seating himself -close beside her</i>)</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>shifting her chair, aside</i>) This Mr. Harry is very -forward. (<i>aloud</i>) And you think, sir, that I shall suit your grandmother?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Certainly, you will suit her nicely—and you will suit my -grandmother capitally—and you will suit my grandfather capitally—and you suit me -beautifully—and you will suit my brother deli——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Ah, you have a brother?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, Harry—hem, no—I mean, Frank—I am Harry.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. But, according to what Mr. Dunstable told me, one of you is a -very bad fellow.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. It isn’t me; I assure you, it’s my brother.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Are you quite certain?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Quite certain that I am not my brother—oh, yes. But, after all, -Frank is really a capital fellow; he is, I assure <span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" -id="page-7">[Pg 7]</a></span>you, I like him very much; I do, indeed—may have been a -little wild, but——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Pardon me, sir, but your grandmother does not return.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. She is taking a little walk in the park, and perhaps her corns -are troublesome—she has several, besides two or three bunions! but perhaps she has come in -and gone to bed—she is subject to—to—to the whooping cough——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. The what, sir?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Confound it! I can’t think of—(<i>aloud</i>) I -mean the gout—and she always goes to bed early when—but you will see her to-morrow.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>taking her portmanteau from</i> -F<small>RANK</small>’<small>S</small> <i>hand</i>) To-morrow? in that case I will go to -the Golden Lion Hotel, which is near the railway station.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>again taking portmanteau from her hand</i>) No, -no—grandmother would be so angry—she has caused a chamber to be prepared for you.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Indeed!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, and supper, for she thought you would arrive late.</p> - -<p class="entrance"><i>Enter</i> S<small>IMON</small>, <small>L</small>. <i>door.</i></p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. The chamber is ready, sir.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) There, you hear! what did I -tell you? (<i>to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Very well.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<small>L</small>., <i>aside</i>) Eh? that woman is a female!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) And the supper?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Thank you, but I am not hungry.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. The supper is ready, too. (<i>aside to</i> F<small>RANK</small>) -But, sir—</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>giving him a sly kick</i>) Be quiet!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>taking her cloak and portmanteau from</i> -F<small>RANK</small>) I will go to my apartment. (<small>L</small>., <i>to</i> -S<small>IMON</small>) I beg you will let me know immediately that Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell -have returned from their walk?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<small>C</small>., <i>astonished</i>) Eh, returned from their -walk?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>kicking as before, and crossing to</i> <small>L</small>. -<small>C</small>.) Hold your tongue. (<i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) Oh, yes, directly -they return, you may depend on that.</p> - -<p class="direction_r"><i>Exit</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>, <small>L</small>. -<i>door.</i></p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<small>R</small>. <small>C</small>.) But, sir, if that young -lady is going to wait till the old people return——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>C</small>.) Hold your tongue. (<i>aside</i>) She mustn’t -go, she is a charming creature, and I have fallen head over ears in love with her—she, the -companion of a couple of old fogies—I mean, my honoured grand-parents. (<i>aloud</i>) -Simon!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Sir!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I want my grandfather’s morning gown.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-8">[Pg 8]</a></span></p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. His morning gown?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes; don’t say he doesn’t wear one, all old fogies—grandfathers, -I mean—wear a morning gown.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>going to closet</i>) Very well, sir. (<i>bringing morning -gown forward</i>) Here it is, sir!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Very well! try it on directly.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Me?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, you—make haste!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>putting on morning gown</i>) Perhaps you are going to make me -a present of one like it, and want to see if it will fit.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Perhaps.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. I’d rather have a coat, with nice long tails.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>hunting in closet</i>) Here, now put on this cap. (<i>giving -him morning cap</i>)</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Well, but——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. No observations; put the cap on, or I discharge you. (<i>pulls -the cap down over</i> S<small>IMON</small>’<small>S</small> <i>eyes</i>)</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Don’t—I will!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Now, muffle your face up—good—turn about, walk, not like that, -stoop—bend your back—that’s it! Now, where is grandmother’s chamber? (<i>seeing</i> -A<small>DELAIDE</small>—<i>who enters, door</i>, <small>L</small>.) Hush! here she is!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<small>R</small>. <small>C</small>.—<i>frightened</i>) Your -grandmother?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>C</small>.) Don’t stir!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>aside</i>) I know not why, but I felt frightened while in -that great apartment. (<i>seeing</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Ah!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Miss—hem—miss—ah! here is my grandfather, he has just -returned——</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside—looking about</i>) His grandfather, where is he?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<small>L</small>. <small>C</small>.—<i>curtseying</i>) Sir!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>making signs to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Grandfather, this -is the companion of whom I have just told you.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>astonished—to</i> F<small>RANK</small>) What, me!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside—to him</i>) Hold your tongue, or I’ll break your back. -(<i>shouting</i>) The female companion. (<i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) He is -dreadfully deaf; but that is not astonishing at his age—ninety-three—yes, I assure you, he -is ninety-three!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh! really, sir——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Hold your tongue, or be killed! (<i>shouting</i>) You are very -tired, sit down, dear grandfather. (<i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) The very shortest -walk fatigues him, and no wonder, for as I said before, he is ninety-seven, -and—(<i>pushing</i> S<small>IMON</small> <i>violently into easy chair</i>) Sit down, dear -grandfather! (<i>aside to him</i>) Sit down, you brute, and say your wife will be back -directly!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>astonished</i>) My wife will be back directly.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) He says his wife will be back -directly.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Very well, sir; I will wait.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. She is still in the park—grandfather’s legs are so weak—to say -nothing that he has the rheumatism; but, you know, an old soldier——</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Now I am an old soldier!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Ah! your grandfather has served in——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Certainly! (<i>to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Grandfather, the -young lady asks if you have served. (<i>aside—to him</i>) Why don’t you answer?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh! yes, yes! I’m in service now!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>punching him slyly</i>) You jackass!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. What did he say?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Oh! nothing—don’t mind him—he isn’t always quite right in his -head—rather idiotic sometimes.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Poor old gentleman.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Now I’m an idiot!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. His great age, as I said before, ninety-nine, you know! -(<i>to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) As you say that grandmother is on her way home, you had -better go and meet her.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. How! fatigued as he is, and at his age to go alone——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Exactly! Surely, at his age, he is old enough to go alone!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. No, no; go you, and I will stay here and bear your grandfather -company.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) The devil! leave them together. (<i>aloud</i>) -Why, you see——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. I entreat you, the air is so chilly, and as he is suffering with -the rheumatism——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Ah, true! (<i>shouting to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Don’t stir! -this young lady will keep you company——</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside to</i> F<small>RANK</small>) And I shouldn’t at all -mind keeping company with her.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>punching him slyly</i>) Must I murder you?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. No, you mustn’t.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside to him</i>) Mind that to everything she says, you -answer only, “My wife will be back directly.”</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Yes, sir.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) Now I’m off to fetch -grandmother.</p> - -<p class="direction_r"><i>Exit</i>, <small>C</small>. <i>door.</i></p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>looking after</i> F<small>RANK</small>) That, then, is the -Mr. Harry of whom I have heard so much from my sister. He is not at all bad-looking; but -with all his good looks, he is a very worthless fellow.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>coughing</i>) Hum! hum!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Oh! I was quite forgetting the old gentleman. (<i>going to</i> -S<small>IMON</small>) There, place your feet on that. (<i>giving him a footstool</i>) Now, -are you comfortable?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be back directly.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. You are not cold?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>taking a pinch of snuff</i>) My wife will be back -directly.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. There is a draught from this side—ah! this cushion. (<i>places a -cushion at his back</i>)</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Isn’t she tucking me up nicely! it’s rather -pleasant to be old—atchieu! (<i>sneezing</i>)</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Heaven bless you!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be back directly.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. He is deaf as a post. (<i>to herself</i>) Yes, Mr. Harry is a -scamp: but luckily, we had for neighbour that good man, Mr. Dunstable. (<i>shouting to</i> -S<small>IMON</small>) Your friend Dunstable.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>interrupting him</i>) Yes, yes, I know! And when he learned -Mr. Harry’s conduct to my dear sister Jane, the idea occurred to him to send me here as a -companion to—“Go to their house,” he said, “you will see Mrs. Mitchell, not her husband, -he——”</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>turning towards</i> S<small>IMON</small>) “He counts for -nothing, but his wife——”</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Back directly.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. “You will tell her all, and I have no doubt she will arrange the -marriage, and——”</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside</i>) What is she going on about? (<i>aloud</i>) Hem! -hem!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Did you speak?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be back directly.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Poor old gentleman! his intellect appears quite shattered. -(<i>shouting</i>) I suppose you retire to rest very early?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be back directly.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>without, in an assumed voice</i>) Very well, I shall find -her.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. That voice! Mrs. Mitchell, no doubt.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside, frightened</i>) Grandmother! then I’m booked! -(<i>about to bolt off</i>, <small>R</small>. <i>door, is met by</i> F<small>RANK</small>, -<i>who enters</i>, <small>C</small>. <i>door, dressed as an old lady</i>)</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>stopping</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Eh! where are you hobbling -to? (<i>aside to</i> S<small>IMON</small>, <i>in natural voice</i>) If you don’t keep -still——</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<small>R</small>., <i>aside, amazed</i>) Eh! Mr. Harry!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<small>L</small>., <i>curtseying</i>) Madam——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>C</small>., <i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) Ah! there -you are, little darling; my grandson told me just now that——</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>sinking again into easy chair</i>, -<small>R</small>. <small>C</small>.) My wife will be back directly.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. I am sorry, madam, to have interrupted your walk.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-11">[Pg 11]</a></span></p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I was coming home, for the dew is beginning to fall.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside</i>) I wish my wages were falling due—I can’t stand -this.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>patting</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>’<small>S</small> -<i>cheeks</i>) Ah! what a pretty little creature—ah! what is your name, poppet?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Adelaide.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Ah! my name is Selina Matilda. You found Mr. Mitchell very dull -company, didn’t you? Wait a minute—I’ll send him to bed. (<i>shouting</i>) Philomel! -Philomel! (<i>aside to</i> S<small>IMON</small>, <i>and giving him a sly punch</i>) Why -don’t you answer, you brute?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh, is that me?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Go to bed, my cherished love. (<i>aside to him</i>) Be off, you -beast! (<i>aloud</i>) I will assist you as far as your chamber. Come, dear love. -(<i>raising</i> S<small>IMON</small> <i>from chair</i>)</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside to him</i>) Do you mean it?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Of course I do. (<i>kicking him slyly</i>) Idiot!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh! I say, that hurts, you know.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>leading him towards door</i>, <small>R</small>.) Come, -cherished husband of my youth—worshipped of my old age. (<i>seeing</i> -A<small>DELAIDE</small> <i>is not looking</i>) Get out, you hippopotamus! (<i>giving him a -violent kick and bundling him off violently, door</i>, <small>R</small>.)</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>turning at the noise</i>) What was that?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Nothing—my poor husband knocked his head against the door post, -that’s all. (<i>aside</i>) What a charming little creature she is! Now, tell me, my love, -who sent you here?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Oh, you know perfectly well, your friend, Mr. Dunstable.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Ah, to be sure. I hope Mr. Constable is quite well.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Dunstable—yes, madam.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. And his wife?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. His wife! Why he has been a widower for the last fifteen -years.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Phew! (<i>aloud</i>) Ah, to be sure, she is dead, -then she is quite well.</p> - -<p class="i0 no_bottom">(<i>singing</i>) When we are dead it’s for a long time,</p> - -<p class="i2 no_top no_bottom">Says the old adage with wisdom rife;</p> - -<p class="i1 no_top no_bottom">When we are dead it’s for a long time,</p> - -<p class="i2 no_top">And we’re cured of the tooth-ache for all our life.</p> - -<p class="noindent">(<i>laughing</i>) He, he, he! you will soon see, my dear, that I am a -very gay old lady.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. I see that already!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. My duck, I suppose you have a sweetheart?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. A sweetheart?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. You needn’t mind telling me, I’m an old woman, <span -class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-12">[Pg 12]</a></span>you know; you are young -and pretty. Ah, when I was your age, I pledge you my word I was a beauty.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. No doubt of it, madam.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Ah, on the day of my marriage with Mr. Mitchell—and that reminds -me, I want my supper.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. The table is already laid yonder. I will bring it to this -room.</p> - -<p class="direction_r"><i>Exit, door</i>, <small>L</small>.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Wait for me, my love; I’ll assist you. (<i>toddles to door</i>, -<small>L</small>., <i>and he and</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small> <i>bring on table ready -served; they place the table</i>, <small>C</small>., <i>and sit;</i> -A<small>DELAIDE</small> <i>is moving the lamp nearer to</i> F<small>RANK</small>)</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>R</small>. <i>of table</i>) No, no, don’t do that, my -dear, my eyes are so weak; why here is only one plate and knife and fork.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<small>L</small>. <i>of table</i>) It doesn’t matter, I have no -appetite.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Nor I. (<i>filling glasses</i>) But a glass of wine——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. No, thank you.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I must. (<i>drinks</i>) I require several glasses to cheer the -cockles of my aged heart. (<i>fills again and drinks</i>)</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>aside</i>) What a strange old lady. (<i>aloud, seeing them on -table</i>) Eh! a pipe and tobacco!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, my love; my medical man orders me to smoke, because my poor -husband has got the rheumatism. (<i>filling his pipe</i>) But if you object——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Oh, dear, no; not at all.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>lighting his pipe and smoking</i>) Ah, it’s a great comfort -for an aged creetur! (<i>rising</i>) Come here, my love.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>rising and going to him</i>) Yes, madam.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I like you, my dear, and I’ll be a mother to you—kiss me, my -darling. (<i>putting his arm round her waist and kissing her</i>)</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>starting</i>) Eh?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. What’s the matter?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>hesitating, and rubbing her cheek</i>) ’Tis very -strange, but——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Oh, I forgot I hadn’t shaved to-day.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. One would really think—oh, how you open your eyes and stare——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>resuming his natural voice</i>) The better to see you with, -my dear.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>frightened</i>) That voice!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. The better to tell you that I love you—my dear—</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. A man! who are you?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. One who adores you! I am Frank—I mean Harry Mitchell. -(<i>advancing to her, she eludes him and runs over to</i> <small>R</small>.)</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Oh, wretch, villain! oh, oh, oh! I am very ill—oh, oh! (<i>falls -into chair</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>running about</i>) Oh, curse it! here’s a mess I’ve made of -it.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Oh, oh!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. What must I do?—bite her finger, I suppose!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Oh, salts, vinegar!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, yes—oh, I wonder where grandmother keeps her salt and -vinegar!</p> - -<p class="direction"><i>Runs off</i>, <small>L</small>. -<i>door</i>—A<small>DELAIDE</small> <i>jumps up, runs to the door and bolts it behind -him</i>—S<small>IMON</small> <i>enters</i>, <small>R</small>. <i>door, tipsy, a bottle in -his hand, and still wearing the morning gown and cap.</i></p> - -<p class="i0_2 no_bottom">S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>singing</i>) Grief is a folly,</p> - -<p class="i3 no_top">We’ll sing and be jolly!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Mr. Mitchell, in that dreadful state!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Where are you, Mr. Sir? it’s me, Simon—you must wait upon -yourself—I’m going to bed.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Simon! the servant, ah, I understand. (<i>aloud, -to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Oh, it is you, is it?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>aside</i>) The young lady! (<i>dropping into easy chair and -acting the old man again</i>) My wife will be back directly—</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>pulling him from chair</i>) Yes; and Mr. Mitchell will also -be back directly.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>frightened and placing the bottle on easy chair</i>) Mr. -Mitchell!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<small>C</small>.) And I will tell him all!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>on his knees</i>) Don’t! I shall lose my place, before I have -had time to redden my nose—’tisn’t my fault—it’s the keys of the cellar did it—and Mr. -Harry——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. It was he who made you thus disguise yourself—confess and I -forgive you!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>rising</i>) Yes; he arrived this evening, on a visit to his -grandfather and grandmother, whom he hasn’t seen for twelve years; and as they went away -this morning——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. He hasn’t encountered them?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. How was he to do it, I should like to know.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. And you say that ’tis twelve years since——</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Yes!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. ’Tis well! now you go to the park gate, and you will ring as if -your mistress had returned.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be back directly—but as she is gone away——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. No matter; obey me, or I tell all. (<i>door</i>, -<small>L</small>., <i>is violently shaken</i>) There he is—open yonder door—now, Mr. -Harry, we shall see! (<i>runs off, door</i>, <small>R</small>.—<i>shaking at door</i>, -<small>L</small>., <i>continues</i>)</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>staggering across</i>) Don’t be in a hurry—don’t be in a -hurry! (<i>unbolts door</i>, <small>L</small>.—F<small>RANK</small> <i>darts on with scent -bottle, which he rams against</i> S<small>IMON</small>’<small>S</small> <i>nose</i>)</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-14">[Pg 14]</a></span></p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Sniff—sniff! and then swallow it—eh? (<i>looking round</i>) Where -is she?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Here I am, sir.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>crossing to</i> <small>R</small>.) The young lady that I left -here fainting.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>looking round</i>) Eh? yes, she <i>is</i> gone.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>trying</i> <small>R</small>. <i>door</i>) Fastened! -(<i>looking at</i> S<small>IMON</small>) Go to bed, wretch! (<i>placing scent bottle on -table</i>)</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>taking cushion from easy chair</i>) Let me get my pillow.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Horribly drunk!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. I was just now, but it’s evaporating.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Go out into the air.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>going</i>) Yes, I’ll go to the park gate, and go to bed.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Be off!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>returning</i>) Stop a bit—I haven’t got my nightcap. -(<i>takes bottle from easy chair</i>)</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>pushing him off</i>) Begone, drunken brute!</p> - -<p class="direction_r">S<small>IMON</small> <i>goes off</i>, <small>C</small>. <i>door, -carrying cushion and bottle.</i></p> - -<p class="noindent">I have behaved like a ruffian to that charming creature—I must obtain -her forgiveness, for I doat upon her—never was in love before, and the novel sensation is -so delightful that—(<i>tapping at</i> <small>R</small>. <i>door</i>) Adelaide—Miss -Adelaide—charming Adelaide! if you would but pardon me—if you would but hear me! (<i>gate -bell rings without</i>) What’s that about at this time of night? Oh! it’s that idiot -Simon; he said he was going to the park gates. Luckily there is no one to be disturbed -here.</p> - -<p class="entrance">A<small>DELAIDE</small> <i>enters</i>, <small>C</small>. <i>door, as -an old lady.</i></p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. No, no, I don’t want anybody to accompany me.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>turning</i>) Who’s that?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>aside</i>) You will know presently. (<i>aloud</i>) Eh! a -woman! what do you want here? who are you?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. For that matter, ma’am, who are you?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Who am I! you ask me that! Don’t you know I am the mistress of -this house?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) My grandmother—phew! I should never have known -her.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. And I should be glad to know what you are doing in my house at -this hour of the night.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>R</small>. <small>C</small>.) Well, the fact -is—(<i>aside</i>) The devil, though, I can’t tell her in this dress that I am her -grandson.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>going up</i>) If you don’t answer, I shall call Simon to -bundle you out.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Ah! (<i>aloud</i>) I am the companion.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. You a companion at your age?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, ma’am, I am a widow.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. But Dunstable wrote to me that she was young and pretty; and you -are as old as the hills.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Oh, no! but I have seen so much trouble.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. And you are ugly—downright ugly.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Well, beauty is all a matter of opinion.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. And look here, what is this? (<i>taking</i> F<small>RANK</small> -<i>by the arm and making him pass before her</i>) Wine, cigars, a pipe, in my house! -gracious goodness!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>L</small>. <small>C</small>.) I was going to tell -you—it’s your grandson.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<small>R</small>. <small>C</small>.) My grandson?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, Harry—he is here—and the pipe— (<i>aside</i>) I shall bolt. -(<i>aloud</i>) I will inform him of your arrival.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>clutching his arm</i>) No, never mind, I shall see him -to-morrow. (<i>looking at him and starting</i>) Why, can I believe my eyes? that’s one of -my gowns you have on.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Oh, lord!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. And that is my bonnet.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I’ll tell you how it happened——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. And that mantle is mine, too.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Well, as to the mantle——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. You are a pretty companion—you are a thief.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. A thief!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Yes, one of the female swell mob. I’ll send Simon for the -police.</p> - -<p class="direction_r">F<small>RANK</small> <i>runs off</i>, <small>C</small>. -<i>door.</i></p> - -<p class="noindent">(<i>laughing</i>) Now, Mr. Harry, I think we are equal. It is too late -to-night to go to the Golden Lion; so I will stay here, retain this costume, and——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>without</i>) My grandmother arrived!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Ah! he is returning. I did not bargain for that. (<i>going over -to</i> <small>L</small>.) But he will not suspect, and——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>running on, door</i> <small>C</small>.) Grandmother, -grandmother, embrace your little grandson—let me kiss you, grandmother!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>retreating</i>) No, no, certainly not.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Then you no longer love your little grandson?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. You are a wicked boy.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Oh, grandmother!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Poor Jane!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) Who is she, I wonder?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. After having been so long engaged to marry her, everything -prepared, the wedding day fixed, all at once you write that you have altered your mind, -and don’t intend to marry yet awhile, leaving poor Jane to break her heart and die.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Really, I am very sorry for poor Jane—though, ’pon my soul, I -don’t know who she is.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Oh, Harry, Harry!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Ah! I see how it is; you think I am Harry.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Well?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>aside</i>) I am not going to answer for his evil deeds. -(<i>aloud</i>) Well, I happen to be Frank.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. You are Frank!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. I am free to confess that I am, and the proof (<i>drawing papers -from his pocket</i>) see—no, that is my tailor’s bill; ’tis not at present receipted, but -I depend on your liberality, grandmother——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>aside</i>) What does this mean?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>finding letter that has been given him by</i> -S<small>IMON</small>) Yes, here it is; look at that; the letter which you wrote to me. -(<i>reading</i>) “My dear Frank,” you see, “your brother Harry is a bad fellow; tell him -from us that unless he becomes within a week, the husband of poor Jane, we have done with -him for ever.”</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>aside</i>) What do I hear?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. “For yourself, if you wish that I should still love you——” -(<i>hugging</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) Oh, my dear grandmother.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. There, there; that will do.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. “You will also get married.” Do you really wish to see me -married?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Well—I—that is——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Well, grandmother, you won’t have to wait long; there is now in -this house a charming young creature, she arrived but this evening, yet——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>astonished</i>) And it is she?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Yes, grandmother.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. You know her, then?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Know her——</p> - -<p class="entrance">S<small>IMON</small> <i>staggers on, door</i>, <small>L</small>., -<i>still drunk, and wearing morning gown, &c., and carrying cushion and -bottle.</i></p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Sir, sir, your grandmother is returned.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>R</small>.) I know that, you fool, for here she is.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<small>L</small>.) Oh, but I mean the real ’un.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. The what?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<small>C</small>.) Can it be possible?</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Godfather has just seen them; the old coach broke down, the roads -were so bad; so they have come back, and I was in the park, just going to -bed——(<i>staggering, and trying to pull off morning gown—Exit, door</i> -<small>C</small>.)</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>hastily snatching off her old woman’s dress</i>) Oh, -heaven!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Ah! you!</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Let me go, for now that I know your brother will really marry my -sister——</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Poor Jane is your sister?</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Jane Stirling, yes.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Oh, well, of course, it’s a family arrangement, altogether—and -you and I are bound to get married immediately.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a class="newpage" id="page-17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. What do you say?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. The two weddings will make but one.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Well, by-and-bye, we shall see, perhaps. (<i>bell rings</i>)</p> - -<p class="entrance"><i>Enter</i> S<small>IMON</small>, <small>L</small>., <i>door.</i></p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. (<i>down</i>, <small>L</small>.) There they are, do you hear -that?</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Simon, if you say a word about this night’s proceedings, I will -tell grandfather that you have been wearing his morning gown.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh, sir, it was you that——</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>crossing to</i> S<small>IMON</small>) And I will tell him you -were tipsy.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh, mum!</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. Now, let us prepare to receive them.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. Yes.</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. Oh, you needn’t be in a hurry, they don’t walk very fast, you -will have time to get married, and to ask pardon for all your sins.</p> - -<p>A<small>DELA</small>. (<i>to</i> A<small>UDIENCE</small>) More indulgence is always -shewn to venerable age than is bestowed on giddy youth, and our great age, we think, -deserves your consideration.</p> - -<p>F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>as old woman</i>) Think of my eighty years, and be good -children. Simon, ’tis now your turn to implore!</p> - -<p>S<small>IMON</small>. My wife will be back directly!</p> - -<table class="pad_top_half_em" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" -summary="positions"> -<tr> -<td class="tdl pad_left">F<small>RANK</small>.</td> - -<td class="tdc">A<small>DELAIDE</small>.</td> - -<td class="tdr pad_right">S<small>IMON</small>.</td> -</tr> - -<tr> -<td class="tdl"><small>R</small>.</td> - -<td class="tdc"> </td> - -<td class="tdr"><small>L</small>.</td> -</tr> -</table> - -<p class="end_of_play italics">Curtain.</p> - -<hr class="med0"/> - -<p class="printer">Printed by Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn.</p> -</div> - -<div class="chapter tnote" id="tnote"> -<h3 class="tnote" id="tnote_heading">Transcriber’s Note</h3> - -<p>This transcription is based on images digitized from a microform copy made available by -the University of California, Davis. These images have been posted on the Internet Archive -at:</p> - -<p class="center"><a href="https://archive.org/details/SuterWantedYoungLady"> -archive.org/details/SuterWantedYoungLady</a></p> - -<p class="noindent">Because of the quality of the images, this transcription was compared -with the text posted by the Victorian Plays Project at:</p> - -<p class="center"><a -href="http://victorian.nuigalway.ie/modx/assets/docs/pdf/Vol66ivWanted.pdf"> -victorian.nuigalway.ie</a></p> - -<p>In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, punctuation and -spelling of the source text, including variant spellings such as “atchieu,” “doat,” and -“shewn.”</p> - -<p>The following changes were made:</p> - -<ul> -<li>p. 3: Deleted “[Mr. Lacy’s List.]” at the top of the page. This appears to be a -typesetting error.</li> - -<li>p. 3: S<small>CENE</small>.—<i>Interior of an old Country Mansion; door</i>, -<small>C</small><i>; door</i>, <small>R</small><i>;</i>—For consistency, added a period -after “<small>C</small>” and “<small>R</small>”.</li> - -<li>p. 8: F<small>RANK</small>. (<i>to</i> A<small>DELAIDE</small>) He says his wife will -be back direcctly.—Changed “direcctly” to “directly”.</li> - -<li>p. 12: F<small>RANK</small>. Nor I. (<i>filling glasses</i>) but a glass of -wine—Capitalized “but” after the parenthesis.</li> - -<li>p. 12: my poor husband has got the rheumatism. (<i>filling his pipe</i>) but if you -object—Capitalized “but” after the parenthesis.</li> - -<li>p. 13: (<i>runs off, door</i>, <small>R</small>.—<i>shaking at, door</i>, -<small>L</small>., <i>continues</i>)—Deleted comma after “<i>at</i>”.</li> - -<li>p. 14: F<small>RANK</small>. (<small>R</small>. <small>C</small> ) Well, the fact -is—Inserted a period between “<small>C</small>” and the closing parenthesis.</li> -</ul> -</div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's 'Wanted, A Young Lady', by William E. 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Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - - - -</pre> - -</body> -</html> - - diff --git a/old/50153-h/images/cover.jpg b/old/50153-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 4e42445..0000000 --- a/old/50153-h/images/cover.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/50153.txt b/old/50153.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 7895478..0000000 --- a/old/50153.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1497 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of 'Wanted, A Young Lady', by William E. Suter - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: 'Wanted, A Young Lady' - A Farce, in One Act - -Author: William E. Suter - -Release Date: October 8, 2015 [EBook #50153] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 'WANTED, A YOUNG LADY' *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Haxo from a copy generously made available -by the University of California, Davis, and with special -thanks to the Victorian Plays Project. - - - - - -"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"-- - -_A Farce_, - -IN ONE ACT. - - -BY - -W. E. SUTER, - -AUTHOR OF - -The Pirates of the Savannah, Idiot of the Mountain, Syren of Paris, -Angel of Midnight, Old House on the Bridge, Outlaw of the Adriatic, -Sarah's Young Man, A Quiet Family, John Wopps, Rifle Volunteer, -Brother Bill and Me, Highwayman's Holiday, Accusing Spirit, First -Love, Our New Man, Fan-fan, the Tulip, &c., &c. - - -THOMAS HAILES LACY, - -89, STRAND, LONDON. - - - - -"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY." - - -_Characters._ - -ADELAIDE STIRLING (_First Comedy_) - -FRANK MITCHELL (_First Comedy_) - -SIMON SNOOZLE (_Low Comedy_) - - -_Costumes._ - -FRANK. _First Dress_--Travelling suit. _Second_--Old lady's hood, silk -gown, shawl, spectacles, and stick. _Third_--Same as first. - -SIMON. _First Dress_--Half livery. _Second_--Velvet cap and silk -dressing gown. - -ADELAIDE. _First Dress_--Travelling dress. _Second_--Silk bonnet, -veil, spectacles, shawl, and stick. - - -_Time in Representation_--40 _Minutes._ - - - - -"WANTED, A YOUNG LADY"-- - - -SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C.; door, R.; door -L.; easy chairs; couch, L.; fire-place, R.; clock, C.; chairs, &c.; -table, R., on it a lighted lamp; closet at back, L._ - -SIMON. (_entering, door C._) Yes, yes, godfather, make your mind easy, -you may sleep quietly on both sides of your face. (_advancing_) That's -a saying in our parts; but I have tried it, and I couldn't do it. -(_looking at clock_) Seven o'clock! what a litter this room is in. -(_placing chairs, &c._) And look here. (_indicating clothes scattered -over an easy chair_) What's all this? Oh, old master's morning gown. -(_places it in the closet_) I have an idea that this place of mine -suits me very well. I am boarded and lodged and washed, eight pounds a -year, and the key of the cellar. I fancy I shall soon get my nose red -in this house. (_sits_) This here easy chair is uncommon comfortable. - -FRANK. (_entering, C. door, a portmanteau in his hand_) I don't see a -soul about. (_seeing SIMON_) Eh! halloa, my friend! (_shaking him_) -What are you doing there? - -SIMON. (_all aback_) Me, sir! I--I'm a doing my work. - -FRANK. Doing what? - -SIMON. (_rising_) What do you please to want? - -FRANK. I wish to see Mr. or Mrs. Mitchell. - -SIMON. Oh! either of them would do, then? - -FRANK. (L. C.) Yes. - -SIMON. (R. C.) That's lucky, for they are both gone out. - -FRANK. Out! then I will await their return. - -SIMON. I don't think you will, sir. - -FRANK. How do you mean? - -SIMON. Why, when master and missus went away this morning, they said -they were going on a visit, and should be away nine or ten days--and -the same number of nights too, no doubt. - -FRANK. (_aside_) Pleasant information! all this distance from London, -and not a shilling in my pocket. (_to SIMON_) Are you alone here? - -SIMON. Yes, I'm quite alone in the house, except my godfather, who -lives at the bottom of the garden. - -FRANK. The surly old brute I met in the park? - -SIMON. Yes, that's godfather. - -FRANK. Agreeable society! Well, I must teach myself resignation. -(_offering portmanteau_) Go and prepare a chamber for me. - -SIMON. You are labouring under a mistake, sir; the Golden Lion is on -the other side of---- - -FRANK. Ah, true! you do not know me. I am Fra----(_checking himself_) -No, I mean Harry Mitchell, your master's grandson. - -SIMON. Really! well, how lucky! I have a letter for your brother. - -FRANK. For my brother Frank? - -SIMON. Yes, here it is. (_drawing a letter from his pocket_) I have -been ordered to post it. - -FRANK. (_aside_) I know what are its contents--the old story--you are -a good-for-nothing fellow, and I shall not give you a sixpence. -(_aloud, taking letter and putting it into his pocket_) All right, I -will take care he has it. - -SIMON. And so you are Master Harry, eh? You are the favourite, you -are. - -FRANK. How did you learn that? - -SIMON. Godfather has made me acquainted with all the family matters, -for I am quite fresh, I am. - -FRANK. You are quite fresh! what do you mean? - -SIMON. I mean I was quite new this morning. Godfather brought me here -and showed me to your grandmother just as she was stepping into the -old family coach; she had only just time to say, "Oh! this is the -stupid animal you have told me about." You see, she is so old that she -doesn't always know what she is talking about. - -FRANK. I think, though, her faculties were pretty clear this morning. -But, as you say, she is rather old--eighty-two. Considerably wrinkled, -I should think. - -SIMON. Her face is just like a little apple that has been dried in the -sun. - -FRANK. And my grandfather? - -SIMON. He is like a little pear that has been baked in an oven. - -FRANK. I am certain I should not recognize them; they must be very -dull here, all by themselves. - -SIMON. Godfather says that they sometimes yawn till they get a -lock-jaw; that's why they have just advertised in the papers for -somebody to read to them. - -FRANK. Read to them! - -SIMON. Yes, a young lady. - -FRANK. (_quickly_) Ah, there is a young lady here? - -SIMON. No, sir, she hasn't come yet. - -FRANK. What a pity! - -SIMON. And they won't want a young lady now they have engaged me. - -FRANK. (_laughing_) But you are not a young lady. - -SIMON. No, and I can't read, but---- - -FRANK. Idiot! go and prepare my chamber. - -SIMON. (_going, L._) Yes, Master Harry. - -FRANK. Stop a moment; is there anything to eat in the pantry? - -SIMON. I saw the plate chest there; but I'll go and see, Master Harry. -Ah! if you were Mr. Frank. - -FRANK. Well? - -SIMON. I shouldn't be able to find anything. (_confidentially_) -Godfather says that you are a pet, and that your brother is a bad lot; -old folks won't have him at any price. - -FRANK. (_aside_) I know it but too well. (_aloud_) You will find some -cigars in my portmanteau, with my pipe and tobacco. Stay; have you got -the keys of the cellar? - -SIMON. Yes, sir. - -FRANK. Then bring me some champagne. - -SIMON. I will. (_aside_) He'll help me, I can see, to redden my nose! - -_Exit, with portmanteau, door, L._ - -FRANK. Have I done well to present myself here under my brother's -name, because I know their great preference for him, and that they -treat me like a Cinderella of the male sex. This is the way I -discovered that I was no favourite; one day I wrote to them for money, -and didn't get it: while Harry, who had also written for some, did: -then I questioned myself as to what I had done, and as to what I had -not done. I said to myself, it is nearly twelve years since Harry and -I quitted the old people; we are of the same figure, considerably -resemble each other; I could easily impose upon my grandmother, who is -nearly blind, and ditto upon my grandfather, who is quite deaf, and so -I will go to them and say here is your darling Harry, and express my -willingness to receive as much money as they choose to give me; if my -brother were to write I should be there to suppress his letters. -Wasn't that a clever idea? not particularly honest, but remarkably -clever; that will teach parents to have a preference, to all -respectable grandfathers one grandson is as good as another. - -_Enter ADELAIDE, door, C., a cloak over her arm, a small carpet bag in -her hand._ - -ADELAIDE. Mrs. Mitchell, if you please, sir. - -FRANK. (L. C.) Yes, this is her house, but she is gone from home for -nine or ten days. - -ADELA. (R. C.) How unfortunate! And Mr. Mitchell? - -FRANK. That's me. I am Mr. Mitchell; Fra----I mean Harry Mitchell. - -ADELA. (_aside_) Harry! It is he! - -FRANK. Will you have the goodness to take a seat? - -ADELA. I thank you. But the Mr. Mitchell of whom I asked you is the -husband of Mrs. Mitchell, and I do not suppose that---- - -FRANK. No, certainly; I have not married my grandmother, that sort of -thing is not allowed, you know. (_aside_) She is deucedly pretty. -(_aloud_) Will you have the goodness to take a seat? - -ADELA. Then your grandfather is also absent. - -FRANK. For nine or ten days. I am quite alone here, but that makes no -difference. (_again offering chair_) Will you have the goodness to---- - -ADELA. No, thank you. I believe I cannot do better than make my way -back to the railway station, and return to London. (_going up_) - -FRANK. (_following and bringing her back_) But, excuse me, may I be -allowed to enquire---- - -ADELA. I believed I had been recommended to them by Mr. Dunstable, as -a companion to---- - -FRANK. Certainly, quite correct. (_aside_) She mustn't go, I want a -companion, dreadfully. (_aloud_) They are expecting you, madam, very -impatiently, I assure you! - -ADELA. Well, but, since they are not at home---- - -FRANK. Certainly, will you allow me to--(_he takes her cloak and -carpet bag_) They are in the park, they take a little walk there every -evening, but they will be back directly; will you have the goodness -to-- (_taking a chair and seating himself close beside her_) - -ADELA. (_shifting her chair, aside_) This Mr. Harry is very forward. -(_aloud_) And you think, sir, that I shall suit your grandmother? - -FRANK. Certainly, you will suit her nicely--and you will suit my -grandmother capitally--and you will suit my grandfather capitally--and -you suit me beautifully--and you will suit my brother deli---- - -ADELA. Ah, you have a brother? - -FRANK. Yes, Harry--hem, no--I mean, Frank--I am Harry. - -ADELA. But, according to what Mr. Dunstable told me, one of you is a -very bad fellow. - -FRANK. It isn't me; I assure you, it's my brother. - -ADELA. Are you quite certain? - -FRANK. Quite certain that I am not my brother--oh, yes. But, after -all, Frank is really a capital fellow; he is, I assure you, I like him -very much; I do, indeed--may have been a little wild, but---- - -ADELA. Pardon me, sir, but your grandmother does not return. - -FRANK. She is taking a little walk in the park, and perhaps her corns -are troublesome--she has several, besides two or three bunions! but -perhaps she has come in and gone to bed--she is subject to--to--to the -whooping cough---- - -ADELA. The what, sir? - -FRANK. (_aside_) Confound it! I can't think of--(_aloud_) I mean the -gout--and she always goes to bed early when--but you will see her -to-morrow. - -ADELA. (_taking her portmanteau from FRANK'S hand_) To-morrow? in -that case I will go to the Golden Lion Hotel, which is near the -railway station. - -FRANK. (_again taking portmanteau from her hand_) No, no--grandmother -would be so angry--she has caused a chamber to be prepared for you. - -ADELA. Indeed! - -FRANK. Yes, and supper, for she thought you would arrive late. - -_Enter SIMON, L. door._ - -SIMON. The chamber is ready, sir. - -FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) There, you hear! what did I tell you? (_to -SIMON_) Very well. - -SIMON. (_L., aside_) Eh? that woman is a female! - -FRANK. (_to SIMON_) And the supper? - -ADELA. Thank you, but I am not hungry. - -SIMON. The supper is ready, too. (_aside to FRANK_) But, sir-- - -FRANK. (_giving him a sly kick_) Be quiet! - -ADELA. (_taking her cloak and portmanteau from FRANK_) I will go to my -apartment. (_L., to SIMON_) I beg you will let me know immediately -that Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell have returned from their walk? - -SIMON. (_C., astonished_) Eh, returned from their walk? - -FRANK. (_kicking as before, and crossing to L. C._) Hold your tongue. -(_to ADELAIDE_) Oh, yes, directly they return, you may depend on that. - -_Exit ADELAIDE, L. door._ - -SIMON. (R. C.) But, sir, if that young lady is going to wait till the -old people return---- - -FRANK. (C.) Hold your tongue. (_aside_) She mustn't go, she is a -charming creature, and I have fallen head over ears in love with -her--she, the companion of a couple of old fogies--I mean, my honoured -grand-parents. (_aloud_) Simon! - -SIMON. Sir! - -FRANK. I want my grandfather's morning gown. - -SIMON. His morning gown? - -FRANK. Yes; don't say he doesn't wear one, all old -fogies--grandfathers, I mean--wear a morning gown. - -SIMON. (_going to closet_) Very well, sir. (_bringing morning gown -forward_) Here it is, sir! - -FRANK. Very well! try it on directly. - -SIMON. Me? - -FRANK. Yes, you--make haste! - -SIMON. (_putting on morning gown_) Perhaps you are going to make me a -present of one like it, and want to see if it will fit. - -FRANK. Perhaps. - -SIMON. I'd rather have a coat, with nice long tails. - -FRANK. (_hunting in closet_) Here, now put on this cap. (_giving him -morning cap_) - -SIMON. Well, but---- - -FRANK. No observations; put the cap on, or I discharge you. (_pulls -the cap down over SIMON'S eyes_) - -SIMON. Don't--I will! - -FRANK. Now, muffle your face up--good--turn about, walk, not like -that, stoop--bend your back--that's it! Now, where is grandmother's -chamber? (_seeing ADELAIDE--who enters, door, L._) Hush! here she is! - -SIMON. (_R. C.--frightened_) Your grandmother? - -FRANK. (C.) Don't stir! - -ADELA. (_aside_) I know not why, but I felt frightened while in that -great apartment. (_seeing SIMON_) Ah! - -FRANK. Miss--hem--miss--ah! here is my grandfather, he has just -returned---- - -SIMON. (_aside--looking about_) His grandfather, where is he? - -ADELA. (_L. C.--curtseying_) Sir! - -FRANK. (_making signs to SIMON_) Grandfather, this is the companion of -whom I have just told you. - -SIMON. (_astonished--to FRANK_) What, me! - -FRANK. (_aside--to him_) Hold your tongue, or I'll break your back. -(_shouting_) The female companion. (_to ADELAIDE_) He is dreadfully -deaf; but that is not astonishing at his age--ninety-three--yes, I -assure you, he is ninety-three! - -SIMON. Oh! really, sir---- - -FRANK. Hold your tongue, or be killed! (_shouting_) You are very -tired, sit down, dear grandfather. (_to ADELAIDE_) The very shortest -walk fatigues him, and no wonder, for as I said before, he is -ninety-seven, and--(_pushing SIMON violently into easy chair_) Sit -down, dear grandfather! (_aside to him_) Sit down, you brute, and say -your wife will be back directly! - -SIMON. (_astonished_) My wife will be back directly. - -FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) He says his wife will be back directly. - -ADELA. Very well, sir; I will wait. - -FRANK. She is still in the park--grandfather's legs are so weak--to -say nothing that he has the rheumatism; but, you know, an old -soldier---- - -SIMON. (_aside_) Now I am an old soldier! - -ADELA. Ah! your grandfather has served in---- - -FRANK. Certainly! (_to SIMON_) Grandfather, the young lady asks if you -have served. (_aside--to him_) Why don't you answer? - -SIMON. Oh! yes, yes! I'm in service now! - -FRANK. (_punching him slyly_) You jackass! - -ADELA. What did he say? - -FRANK. Oh! nothing--don't mind him--he isn't always quite right in his -head--rather idiotic sometimes. - -ADELA. Poor old gentleman. - -SIMON. (_aside_) Now I'm an idiot! - -FRANK. His great age, as I said before, ninety-nine, you know! (_to -SIMON_) As you say that grandmother is on her way home, you had better -go and meet her. - -ADELA. How! fatigued as he is, and at his age to go alone---- - -FRANK. Exactly! Surely, at his age, he is old enough to go alone! - -ADELA. No, no; go you, and I will stay here and bear your grandfather -company. - -FRANK. (_aside_) The devil! leave them together. (_aloud_) Why, you -see---- - -ADELA. I entreat you, the air is so chilly, and as he is suffering -with the rheumatism---- - -FRANK. Ah, true! (_shouting to SIMON_) Don't stir! this young lady -will keep you company---- - -SIMON. (_aside to FRANK_) And I shouldn't at all mind keeping company -with her. - -FRANK. (_punching him slyly_) Must I murder you? - -SIMON. No, you mustn't. - -FRANK. (_aside to him_) Mind that to everything she says, you answer -only, "My wife will be back directly." - -SIMON. Yes, sir. - -FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) Now I'm off to fetch grandmother. - -_Exit, C. door._ - -ADELA. (_looking after FRANK_) That, then, is the Mr. Harry of whom I -have heard so much from my sister. He is not at all bad-looking; but -with all his good looks, he is a very worthless fellow. - -SIMON. (_coughing_) Hum! hum! - -ADELA. Oh! I was quite forgetting the old gentleman. (_going to -SIMON_) There, place your feet on that. (_giving him a footstool_) -Now, are you comfortable? - -SIMON. My wife will be back directly. - -ADELA. You are not cold? - -SIMON. (_taking a pinch of snuff_) My wife will be back directly. - -ADELA. There is a draught from this side--ah! this cushion. (_places a -cushion at his back_) - -SIMON. (_aside_) Isn't she tucking me up nicely! it's rather pleasant -to be old--atchieu! (_sneezing_) - -ADELA. Heaven bless you! - -SIMON. My wife will be back directly. - -ADELA. He is deaf as a post. (_to herself_) Yes, Mr. Harry is a scamp: -but luckily, we had for neighbour that good man, Mr. Dunstable. -(_shouting to SIMON_) Your friend Dunstable. - -SIMON. My wife will be---- - -ADELA. (_interrupting him_) Yes, yes, I know! And when he learned Mr. -Harry's conduct to my dear sister Jane, the idea occurred to him to -send me here as a companion to--"Go to their house," he said, "you -will see Mrs. Mitchell, not her husband, he----" - -SIMON. My wife will be---- - -ADELA. (_turning towards SIMON_) "He counts for nothing, but his -wife----" - -SIMON. Back directly. - -ADELA. "You will tell her all, and I have no doubt she will arrange -the marriage, and----" - -SIMON. (_aside_) What is she going on about? (_aloud_) Hem! hem! - -ADELA. Did you speak? - -SIMON. My wife will be back directly. - -ADELA. Poor old gentleman! his intellect appears quite shattered. -(_shouting_) I suppose you retire to rest very early? - -SIMON. My wife will be back directly. - -FRANK. (_without, in an assumed voice_) Very well, I shall find her. - -ADELA. That voice! Mrs. Mitchell, no doubt. - -SIMON. (_aside, frightened_) Grandmother! then I'm booked! (_about to -bolt off, R. door, is met by FRANK, who enters, C. door, dressed as an -old lady_) - -FRANK. (_stopping SIMON_) Eh! where are you hobbling to? (_aside to -SIMON, in natural voice_) If you don't keep still---- - -SIMON. (_R., aside, amazed_) Eh! Mr. Harry! - -ADELA. (_L., curtseying_) Madam---- - -FRANK. (_C., to ADELAIDE_) Ah! there you are, little darling; my -grandson told me just now that---- - -SIMON. (_sinking again into easy chair, R. C._) My wife will be back -directly. - -ADELA. I am sorry, madam, to have interrupted your walk. - -FRANK. I was coming home, for the dew is beginning to fall. - -SIMON. (_aside_) I wish my wages were falling due--I can't stand this. - -FRANK. (_patting ADELAIDE'S cheeks_) Ah! what a pretty little -creature--ah! what is your name, poppet? - -ADELA. Adelaide. - -FRANK. Ah! my name is Selina Matilda. You found Mr. Mitchell very dull -company, didn't you? Wait a minute--I'll send him to bed. (_shouting_) -Philomel! Philomel! (_aside to SIMON, and giving him a sly punch_) Why -don't you answer, you brute? - -SIMON. Oh, is that me? - -FRANK. Go to bed, my cherished love. (_aside to him_) Be off, you -beast! (_aloud_) I will assist you as far as your chamber. Come, dear -love. (_raising SIMON from chair_) - -SIMON. (_aside to him_) Do you mean it? - -FRANK. Of course I do. (_kicking him slyly_) Idiot! - -SIMON. Oh! I say, that hurts, you know. - -FRANK. (_leading him towards door, R._) Come, cherished husband of my -youth--worshipped of my old age. (_seeing ADELAIDE is not looking_) -Get out, you hippopotamus! (_giving him a violent kick and bundling -him off violently, door, R._) - -ADELA. (_turning at the noise_) What was that? - -FRANK. Nothing--my poor husband knocked his head against the door -post, that's all. (_aside_) What a charming little creature she is! -Now, tell me, my love, who sent you here? - -ADELA. Oh, you know perfectly well, your friend, Mr. Dunstable. - -FRANK. Ah, to be sure. I hope Mr. Constable is quite well. - -ADELA. Dunstable--yes, madam. - -FRANK. And his wife? - -ADELA. His wife! Why he has been a widower for the last fifteen years. - -FRANK. (_aside_) Phew! (_aloud_) Ah, to be sure, she is dead, then she -is quite well. - - (_singing_) When we are dead it's for a long time, - Says the old adage with wisdom rife; - When we are dead it's for a long time, - And we're cured of the tooth-ache for all our life. - -(_laughing_) He, he, he! you will soon see, my dear, that I am a very -gay old lady. - -ADELA. I see that already! - -FRANK. My duck, I suppose you have a sweetheart? - -ADELA. A sweetheart? - -FRANK. You needn't mind telling me, I'm an old woman, you know; you -are young and pretty. Ah, when I was your age, I pledge you my word I -was a beauty. - -ADELA. No doubt of it, madam. - -FRANK. Ah, on the day of my marriage with Mr. Mitchell--and that -reminds me, I want my supper. - -ADELA. The table is already laid yonder. I will bring it to this room. - -_Exit, door, L._ - -FRANK. Wait for me, my love; I'll assist you. (_toddles to door, L., -and he and ADELAIDE bring on table ready served; they place the table, -C., and sit; ADELAIDE is moving the lamp nearer to FRANK_) - -FRANK. (_R. of table_) No, no, don't do that, my dear, my eyes are so -weak; why here is only one plate and knife and fork. - -ADELA. (_L. of table_) It doesn't matter, I have no appetite. - -FRANK. Nor I. (_filling glasses_) But a glass of wine---- - -ADELA. No, thank you. - -FRANK. I must. (_drinks_) I require several glasses to cheer the -cockles of my aged heart. (_fills again and drinks_) - -ADELA. (_aside_) What a strange old lady. (_aloud, seeing them on -table_) Eh! a pipe and tobacco! - -FRANK. Yes, my love; my medical man orders me to smoke, because my -poor husband has got the rheumatism. (_filling his pipe_) But if you -object---- - -ADELA. Oh, dear, no; not at all. - -FRANK. (_lighting his pipe and smoking_) Ah, it's a great comfort for -an aged creetur! (_rising_) Come here, my love. - -ADELA. (_rising and going to him_) Yes, madam. - -FRANK. I like you, my dear, and I'll be a mother to you--kiss me, my -darling. (_putting his arm round her waist and kissing her_) - -ADELA. (_starting_) Eh? - -FRANK. What's the matter? - -ADELA. (_hesitating, and rubbing her cheek_) 'Tis very strange, -but---- - -FRANK. (_aside_) Oh, I forgot I hadn't shaved to-day. - -ADELA. One would really think--oh, how you open your eyes and -stare---- - -FRANK. (_resuming his natural voice_) The better to see you with, my -dear. - -ADELA. (_frightened_) That voice! - -FRANK. The better to tell you that I love you--my dear-- - -ADELA. A man! who are you? - -FRANK. One who adores you! I am Frank--I mean Harry Mitchell. -(_advancing to her, she eludes him and runs over to R._) - -ADELA. Oh, wretch, villain! oh, oh, oh! I am very ill--oh, oh! (_falls -into chair_) - -FRANK. (_running about_) Oh, curse it! here's a mess I've made of it. - -ADELA. Oh, oh! - -FRANK. What must I do?--bite her finger, I suppose! - -ADELA. Oh, salts, vinegar! - -FRANK. Yes, yes--oh, I wonder where grandmother keeps her salt and -vinegar! - -_Runs off, L. door--ADELAIDE jumps up, runs to the door and bolts it -behind him--SIMON enters, R. door, tipsy, a bottle in his hand, and -still wearing the morning gown and cap._ - -SIMON. (_singing_) Grief is a folly, - We'll sing and be jolly! - -ADELA. Mr. Mitchell, in that dreadful state! - -SIMON. Where are you, Mr. Sir? it's me, Simon--you must wait upon -yourself--I'm going to bed. - -ADELA. (_aside_) Simon! the servant, ah, I understand. (_aloud, to -SIMON_) Oh, it is you, is it? - -SIMON. (_aside_) The young lady! (_dropping into easy chair and acting -the old man again_) My wife will be back directly-- - -ADELA. (_pulling him from chair_) Yes; and Mr. Mitchell will also be -back directly. - -SIMON. (_frightened and placing the bottle on easy chair_) Mr. -Mitchell! - -ADELA. (C.) And I will tell him all! - -SIMON. (_on his knees_) Don't! I shall lose my place, before I have -had time to redden my nose--'tisn't my fault--it's the keys of the -cellar did it--and Mr. Harry---- - -ADELA. It was he who made you thus disguise yourself--confess and I -forgive you! - -SIMON. (_rising_) Yes; he arrived this evening, on a visit to his -grandfather and grandmother, whom he hasn't seen for twelve years; and -as they went away this morning---- - -ADELA. He hasn't encountered them? - -SIMON. How was he to do it, I should like to know. - -ADELA. And you say that 'tis twelve years since---- - -SIMON. Yes! - -ADELA. 'Tis well! now you go to the park gate, and you will ring as if -your mistress had returned. - -SIMON. My wife will be back directly--but as she is gone away---- - -ADELA. No matter; obey me, or I tell all. (_door, L., is violently -shaken_) There he is--open yonder door--now, Mr. Harry, we shall see! -(_runs off, door, R.--shaking at door, L., continues_) - -SIMON. (_staggering across_) Don't be in a hurry--don't be in a hurry! -(_unbolts door, L.--FRANK darts on with scent bottle, which he rams -against SIMON'S nose_) - -FRANK. Sniff--sniff! and then swallow it--eh? (_looking round_) Where -is she? - -SIMON. Here I am, sir. - -FRANK. (_crossing to R._) The young lady that I left here fainting. - -SIMON. (_looking round_) Eh? yes, she _is_ gone. - -FRANK. (_trying R. door_) Fastened! (_looking at SIMON_) Go to bed, -wretch! (_placing scent bottle on table_) - -SIMON. (_taking cushion from easy chair_) Let me get my pillow. - -FRANK. Horribly drunk! - -SIMON. I was just now, but it's evaporating. - -FRANK. Go out into the air. - -SIMON. (_going_) Yes, I'll go to the park gate, and go to bed. - -FRANK. Be off! - -SIMON. (_returning_) Stop a bit--I haven't got my nightcap. (_takes -bottle from easy chair_) - -FRANK. (_pushing him off_) Begone, drunken brute! - -_SIMON goes off, C. door, carrying cushion and bottle._ - -I have behaved like a ruffian to that charming creature--I must obtain -her forgiveness, for I doat upon her--never was in love before, and -the novel sensation is so delightful that--(_tapping at R. door_) -Adelaide--Miss Adelaide--charming Adelaide! if you would but pardon -me--if you would but hear me! (_gate bell rings without_) What's that -about at this time of night? Oh! it's that idiot Simon; he said he was -going to the park gates. Luckily there is no one to be disturbed here. - -_ADELAIDE enters, C. door, as an old lady._ - -ADELA. No, no, I don't want anybody to accompany me. - -FRANK. (_turning_) Who's that? - -ADELA. (_aside_) You will know presently. (_aloud_) Eh! a woman! what -do you want here? who are you? - -FRANK. For that matter, ma'am, who are you? - -ADELA. Who am I! you ask me that! Don't you know I am the mistress of -this house? - -FRANK. (_aside_) My grandmother--phew! I should never have known her. - -ADELA. And I should be glad to know what you are doing in my house at -this hour of the night. - -FRANK. (R. C.) Well, the fact is--(_aside_) The devil, though, I can't -tell her in this dress that I am her grandson. - -ADELA. (_going up_) If you don't answer, I shall call Simon to bundle -you out. - -FRANK. (_aside_) Ah! (_aloud_) I am the companion. - -ADELA. You a companion at your age? - -FRANK. Yes, ma'am, I am a widow. - -ADELA. But Dunstable wrote to me that she was young and pretty; and -you are as old as the hills. - -FRANK. Oh, no! but I have seen so much trouble. - -ADELA. And you are ugly--downright ugly. - -FRANK. Well, beauty is all a matter of opinion. - -ADELA. And look here, what is this? (_taking FRANK by the arm and -making him pass before her_) Wine, cigars, a pipe, in my house! -gracious goodness! - -FRANK. (L. C.) I was going to tell you--it's your grandson. - -ADELA. (R. C.) My grandson? - -FRANK. Yes, Harry--he is here--and the pipe-- (_aside_) I shall bolt. -(_aloud_) I will inform him of your arrival. - -ADELA. (_clutching his arm_) No, never mind, I shall see him -to-morrow. (_looking at him and starting_) Why, can I believe my eyes? -that's one of my gowns you have on. - -FRANK. (_aside_) Oh, lord! - -ADELA. And that is my bonnet. - -FRANK. I'll tell you how it happened---- - -ADELA. And that mantle is mine, too. - -FRANK. Well, as to the mantle---- - -ADELA. You are a pretty companion--you are a thief. - -FRANK. A thief! - -ADELA. Yes, one of the female swell mob. I'll send Simon for the -police. - -_FRANK runs off, C. door._ - -(_laughing_) Now, Mr. Harry, I think we are equal. It is too late -to-night to go to the Golden Lion; so I will stay here, retain this -costume, and---- - -FRANK. (_without_) My grandmother arrived! - -ADELA. Ah! he is returning. I did not bargain for that. (_going over -to L._) But he will not suspect, and---- - -FRANK. (_running on, door C._) Grandmother, grandmother, embrace your -little grandson--let me kiss you, grandmother! - -ADELA. (_retreating_) No, no, certainly not. - -FRANK. Then you no longer love your little grandson? - -ADELA. You are a wicked boy. - -FRANK. Oh, grandmother! - -ADELA. Poor Jane! - -FRANK. (_aside_) Who is she, I wonder? - -ADELA. After having been so long engaged to marry her, everything -prepared, the wedding day fixed, all at once you write that you have -altered your mind, and don't intend to marry yet awhile, leaving poor -Jane to break her heart and die. - -FRANK. Really, I am very sorry for poor Jane--though, 'pon my soul, I -don't know who she is. - -ADELA. Oh, Harry, Harry! - -FRANK. Ah! I see how it is; you think I am Harry. - -ADELA. Well? - -FRANK. (_aside_) I am not going to answer for his evil deeds. -(_aloud_) Well, I happen to be Frank. - -ADELA. You are Frank! - -FRANK. I am free to confess that I am, and the proof (_drawing papers -from his pocket_) see--no, that is my tailor's bill; 'tis not at -present receipted, but I depend on your liberality, grandmother---- - -ADELA. (_aside_) What does this mean? - -FRANK. (_finding letter that has been given him by SIMON_) Yes, here -it is; look at that; the letter which you wrote to me. (_reading_) "My -dear Frank," you see, "your brother Harry is a bad fellow; tell him -from us that unless he becomes within a week, the husband of poor -Jane, we have done with him for ever." - -ADELA. (_aside_) What do I hear? - -FRANK. "For yourself, if you wish that I should still love you----" -(_hugging ADELAIDE_) Oh, my dear grandmother. - -ADELA. There, there; that will do. - -FRANK. "You will also get married." Do you really wish to see me -married? - -ADELA. Well--I--that is---- - -FRANK. Well, grandmother, you won't have to wait long; there is now in -this house a charming young creature, she arrived but this evening, -yet---- - -ADELA. (_astonished_) And it is she? - -FRANK. Yes, grandmother. - -ADELA. You know her, then? - -FRANK. Know her---- - -_SIMON staggers on, door, L., still drunk, and wearing morning gown, -&c., and carrying cushion and bottle._ - -SIMON. Sir, sir, your grandmother is returned. - -FRANK. (R.) I know that, you fool, for here she is. - -SIMON. (L.) Oh, but I mean the real 'un. - -FRANK. The what? - -ADELA. (C.) Can it be possible? - -SIMON. Godfather has just seen them; the old coach broke down, the -roads were so bad; so they have come back, and I was in the park, just -going to bed----(_staggering, and trying to pull off morning -gown--Exit, door C._) - -ADELA. (_hastily snatching off her old woman's dress_) Oh, heaven! - -FRANK. Ah! you! - -ADELA. Let me go, for now that I know your brother will really marry -my sister---- - -FRANK. Poor Jane is your sister? - -ADELA. Jane Stirling, yes. - -FRANK. Oh, well, of course, it's a family arrangement, altogether--and -you and I are bound to get married immediately. - -ADELA. What do you say? - -FRANK. The two weddings will make but one. - -ADELA. Well, by-and-bye, we shall see, perhaps. (_bell rings_) - -_Enter SIMON, L., door._ - -SIMON. (_down, L._) There they are, do you hear that? - -FRANK. Simon, if you say a word about this night's proceedings, I will -tell grandfather that you have been wearing his morning gown. - -SIMON. Oh, sir, it was you that---- - -ADELA. (_crossing to SIMON_) And I will tell him you were tipsy. - -SIMON. Oh, mum! - -FRANK. Now, let us prepare to receive them. - -ADELA. Yes. - -SIMON. Oh, you needn't be in a hurry, they don't walk very fast, you -will have time to get married, and to ask pardon for all your sins. - -ADELA. (_to AUDIENCE_) More indulgence is always shewn to venerable -age than is bestowed on giddy youth, and our great age, we think, -deserves your consideration. - -FRANK. (_as old woman_) Think of my eighty years, and be good -children. Simon, 'tis now your turn to implore! - -SIMON. My wife will be back directly! - - - FRANK. ADELAIDE. SIMON. -R. L. - - -_Curtain._ - - -Printed by Thomas Scott, Warwick Court, Holborn. - - - - -Transcriber's Note - -This transcription is based on images digitized from a microform copy -made available by the University of California, Davis. These images -have been posted on the Internet Archive at: - - archive.org/details/SuterWantedYoungLady - -Because of the quality of the images, this transcription was compared -with the text posted by the Victorian Plays Project at: - - victorian.nuigalway.ie/modx/assets/docs/pdf/Vol66ivWanted.pdf - -In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, -punctuation and spelling of the source text, including variant -spellings such as "atchieu," "doat," and "shewn." - -The following changes were made: - --- p. 3: Deleted "[Mr. Lacy's List.]" at the top of the page. This -appears to be a typesetting error. - --- p. 3: SCENE.--_Interior of an old Country Mansion; door, C; door, -R;_--For consistency, added a period after "C" and "R". - --- p. 8: FRANK. (_to ADELAIDE_) He says his wife will be back -direcctly.--Changed "direcctly" to "directly". - --- p. 12: FRANK. Nor I. (_filling glasses_) but a glass of -wine--Capitalized "but" after the parenthesis. - --- p. 12: my poor husband has got the rheumatism. (_filling his pipe_) -but if you object--Capitalized "but" after the parenthesis. - --- p. 13: (_runs off, door, R.--shaking at, door, L., -continues_)--Deleted comma after "_at_". - --- p. 14: FRANK. (R. C ) Well, the fact is--Inserted a period between -"C" and the closing parenthesis. - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's 'Wanted, A Young Lady', by William E. 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