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If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Beaver - An Alphabet of typical Specimens, together with Notes and - a terminal Essay on the Manners and Customs of Beavering Men - -Author: John Kettelwell - -Release Date: October 6, 2015 [EBook #50147] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEAVER *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Fay Dunn and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - -Transcriber’s Note - - -In this text version of “Beaver”: - words in italics are marked with _underscores_, - words in bold are marked with =equals signs=, - words in small capitals are shown in UPPER CASE, - handwritten words are marked with +plus signs+, and - crossed out words are marked with *asterisks*. - - -Each illustration of a beard originally faced the beard’s description. -These have been moved to follow the title of the type of beard. - -Footnotes have been moved to the end of the paragraph to which they -refer. - -Variant spelling and inconsistent hyphenation are retained. - -Minor changes have been made to make punctuation consistent. - - - - - _With respectful affection to the illustrious memory of_ - SHAGPAT, _the son of_ SHIMPOOR, _the son of_ SHOOLPI, _the - son of_ SHULLUM. - - - - - BEAVER - - BY - - JOHN KETTELWELL - - _An Alphabet of typical Specimens, together with - Notes and a terminal Essay on the Manners - and Customs of Beavering Men_ - - LONDON: - - T. WERNER LAURIE, LTD. - - 30, NEW BRIDGE STREET, E.C. 4 - - - - -A. - -IS AN ADMIRAL-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Admiral-Beaver] - -The specimen mounted is typical and the coat is good, harsh and not -silky, a common fault in these rough-haired examples. - -An Admiral-King-Beaver is unthinkable ... “derogation of God’s honour,” -etc. - -Though the sport is deservedly popular in the Service, it is attended -by infinite risk should the specimen be of higher rank than the -players. K. R. and A. I. contain no definite ruling as to the legality -or otherwise of the game, but a Court-Martial would probably trip an -unlucky player on “conduct to the prejudice,” etc. - -In civil life (and plain clothes) it is most unusual to be able to -score these specimens, hence the different values of Rear-Admirals, -Vice-Admirals, etc., is not given, nor those of the various branches of -the Service, Executive, Engineer, and the like. - - - - -B. - -IS A BALD-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Bald-King-Beaver] - -That depicted is a magnificent specimen in full winter-coat. - -They are not common, but occur frequently--the apparent paradox is -explained by the fact that they are usually of an extremely retiring -nature, and reside by choice in coigns and nooks. - -For a specimen such as that mounted game should be claimed and nothing -under three points accepted; rather call off the match and communicate -with the Association. - -In scoring really fine specimens in full winter-coat extra points can, -and should be, claimed for purity of tint, bushiness, etc. - - - - -C. - -IS A CENTAUR-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Centaur-King-Beaver] - -There is no record of a specimen being scored. Probably the last -person to do so may have been Jason. The best authorities assume this, -adducing as contributory evidence his later, passionate quest of the -Golden Fleece. Ourselves we regard it as more likely that Chiron was -never scored, Jason being held back by the natural delicacy of one -_in statu pupillari_. In fact, Chiron was, almost certainly, a “local -double-fault.” - - - - -D. - -IS A DOUBLE-FAULT. - - -[Illustration: Double-Fault] - -This question is dealt with in the terminal essay. - -The specimen is a good one, and no player who is deceived by a growth -of this kind need feel the smallest depression. It is the kind of thing -that might happen to anyone. - -A young specimen, darker than dark brindle, has, I believe, never been -scored. - - - - -E. - -IS AN ECCLESIASTICAL-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Ecclesiastical-King-Beaver] - -Rare in general, there are frequently to be found in Cathedral cities -large coveys, not very strong on the wing. - -Local rules should be consulted as to the scoring. Fine specimens count -at least three points. - -I myself, recently, claimed an Ecclesiastical-King, in a country town, -and was awarded two games for it; a well-known local rarity of which -the place is justly proud. - -It was a superb specimen, in good coat, a darkish brindle, and in -official robes. - - - - -F. - -IS A FRINGED-GEORGIC-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Fringed-Georgic-Beaver] - -The species is less common than formerly. Some purists refuse to score -these Fringed-Georgics on the plea that the upper lip is bare and the -_chin_ partially bare and that they are, therefore, double-faults. The -general ruling is that as the adornment _circumnavigates_ the face the -chin is not bare, the bareness of the upper lip is immaterial and the -specimen should be scored; one point in the country, three points in -London. - - - - -G. - -IS A GALLIC-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration Gallic-King-Beaver] - -The game is almost unplayable in France. Owing to the superabundance of -specimens only rarities should be scored. - -A report has just been received from Cap D’Antibes of a “magnificent -Wasp-Waisted-King.” Game was called. No information was sent -(correspondents are deplorably slack) as to colour or coat. - -Good players, in France, lay great stress on minute differences in -colour and characteristic, _i.e._, crimped, curled, waved, rat-tail, -wuzzy, wild-garden, etc. - - - - -H. - -IS A HALF-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Half-Beaver] - -These delightful specimens are now, unhappily, becoming very rare. - -They are still occasionally scored in the neighbourhood of places of -worship and on the seashore. - -Some claim increased points in ratio to the length of the upper lip. - -The specimen mounted (Stockton-on-Tees, 1919), is a fine one, -exhibiting all the marked features of the _genus_, including a most -gratifying labial expanse. - - - - -I. - -IS AN IMPERIAL-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Imperial-Beaver] - -Not common in England; when scored in this country are almost -invariably migrants. - -These amusing specimens are, curiously enough, commoner in winter-coat -than in ordinary plumage. - -There are no tricks about scoring an Imperial. Any specimen with -moustache and a growth beneath the lower lip, of which the parent area -does not extend to the lower edge of the chin, is an Imperial. - -Score three points for a Full-Black; one point for a White. - - - - -J. - -IS A JOO BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Joo Beaver] - -These exotics are fairly common, and local sportsmen can be relied -upon to flush a few on short notice, provided that they are allowed to -choose the beat. - -In many ways curiously attractive, the charm of the species is marred -by the frequent lack of neatness of plumage; as a race they incline to -landscape-gardening with their hirsuteness. - -Carefully note their musical cry of “Oy-Yoy ... Oy Yoy.” A specimen in -full song, when the moon is full, counts game. - -Some experts have a very nice scale--by which they score--of the -curvilinear bill. This is a pretty point and a pleasant _raffinement_, -but too subtle for the ordinary week-end player. Of course any -unusually fine frontal curve should be claimed and scored as a rarity. - - - - -K. - -IS A KILLINGWORTH-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Killingworth-Beaver] - -This specimen is mounted for instructional purposes only. Connoisseurs -and collectors are, of course, entirely _au fait_ with the -deliciousness of this gorgeous creature. - -George Killingworth, in the year 1555, was sent to the court of Ivan -the Terrible (one of the many monarchs who have, from time to time, -taxed Beavers) as the agent of Queen Mary. His beard was five feet -two inches in length and it was yellow. He was without doubt the most -flawless specimen of a Yellow-King ever seen. - -It is considered in the highest degree unlikely that anything -approaching this efflorescence will be noted nowadays, hence no score -is suggested. - - - - -L. - -IS A LICKED-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Licked-Beaver] - -It is worthy of remark in passing that this distinguishing title is due -to the genius of a child--“trailing clouds,” etc.--who, on observing -the first specimen ever scored, cried, “Oh, look; he’s licked it.” - -The species is very rare. Off-shoots of the old stock, in the form -of Semi-Walruses, are occasionally observed, but the Licked-Beaver -is generally regarded as almost extinct. Possibly the cause of this -diminution, if not extinction, may be the increase in the cost of -living. - -The specimen mounted is a very fine one. Should a player have the good -fortune to score a Licked-Beaver, let him remember that it is the -density of the licking, the spear-form, the sharpness, that should be -regarded rather than the length of the portion licked. - - - - -M. - -IS A MANDARIN-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Mandarin-Beaver] - -Even in plain clothes should score two games if seen in England. There -is no ruling as to the points to be scored if observed in this country -in full plumage. - -This specimen is often wrongly catalogued in books of reference as a -Mandarin-King-Beaver. Royalty or Kinghood is impossible for a species -which supports a very notable gap between its central adornment and the -maxillary-fringes. - -The specimen mounted is, so to say, traditional, that is, it is a -transcript of an early-nineteenth century Chinese brush-drawing on silk -in Chinese ink representing a hero, or as we should say, a Beaver. - - - - -N. - -IS A NANNY-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Nanny-Beaver] - -Really good specimens are very rare. They are reported to flourish in -the Eastern farming states of the United States of America, but British -research is lamentably behindhand, and our exact knowledge is quite -fragmentary. - -In any case there is one simple rule for the guidance of the _amateur_; -no Nanny-Beaver can be claimed or scored of which the adornment does -not depend a full two inches from the under-surface of the chin. - - - - -O. - -IS AN ORIENTAL-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Oriental-Beaver] - -These strangely beautiful specimens are rarely seen in this cold -country. - -Those who have had the privilege of observing closely a gaggle of -Orientals in indigenous plumage (the species is pathetically subject to -local changes) will, assuredly, ever prize the recollection. - -The most noteworthy feature, apart from the extraordinarily fine -quality of coat (glossiness, sheen, etc.), is the exotic parting -which lends a wistful charm to the otherwise opulent glories of these -occasional visitors. - -Score always two games (in England); set, if the specimen is in -indigenous plumage. - - - - -P. - -IS A PARTI-COLOUR-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Parti-Colour-Beaver] - -These specimens are curiously attractive and are more often scored than -one would think. Artists, above all others, wax well-nigh lyrical over -the beauties of a well-defined Parti-Colour, one, that is, in which -there is almost no shading, the black being black and the white, white. -The same colouration is observed in the pelt of the Colobus monkey and -justly admired. - -It is not possible to distinguish between natural and artificial -Parti-Colours, unless one should happen to be a relative of the -specimen. All Parti-Colours are, therefore, scored. (Two points.) - - - - -Q. - -IS A QUEEN-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Queen-Beaver] - -It has been objected that it is not gallant to score these undoubted -rarities. Theoretically it is, certainly, not pretty conduct, but, on -the other hand, all is fair in love and war, and ... has any man ever -refused to shoot a rhinoceros on the plea that it was a female? (I -merely ask ... someone may have done so. There may even be a close time -for doe-rhinoes.) Be that as it may, the scoring of Queens is an affair -of lineage. Regard this eighteenth century distich:-- - - “Here is a Pink-Queen, very rare, - Remember to count the sixteenth hair.”[1] - -Queens are always scored extravagantly. Usually game; extra-rarities -two games, and so on. The Pink-Queen is, without doubt, the rarest of -her kind; conversely, when found, she is usually a superb specimen, in -rich coat. The question of Queens is dealt with broadly in the terminal -essay. - -[Footnote 1: Queens cannot be scored unless they have _more_ than -fifteen hairs.] - - - - -R. - -IS A RED-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Red-King-Beaver] - -I feel a very natural emotion on commenting on the sublime specimen -of the Red-King, the ultimate hope of every keen collector, which -is portrayed on the opposite page. Observed outside “The Goose and -Gridiron,” in Slogsby-under-Hill, this noble creature deprived both my -companion (an ex-local champion) and myself of speech for three minutes. - -Had he been carrying a ladder (the _ne-plus-ultra_ of Beaverhood) we -had never recovered from the glory of the revelation. - -Red-Kings score “Game, set, match.” A Red-King on a green bicycle, -carrying a lanthorn (or lantern), scores do. do. “Local Championship.” -A Red-King on a green bicycle carrying a ladder (poor old Pelion!) has -never, alas! been reported up to the present. - -There are dreams of scoring a Red-King, complete with fitments, on a -High Bicycle ... all things are possible, even a ravishment such as -that. - - - - -S. - -IS A SANTA-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Santa-Beaver] - -These are usually scored, though your conscientious expert demurs at so -doing, as it has been held--and the view is well supported by players -of repute--that they are strictly-speaking Double-Faults, the adornment -being temporary. - -The genuine Santa-King-Beaver, complete with reindeer, sleigh and -business with chimney, has never, I believe, been scored. - -Claim a game if you, a stranger adult, score one. - - - - -T. - -IS A TUFTED-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Tufted-King-Beaver] - -It may, perhaps, be thought that this is a fanciful, a pernickety -differentiation--such are to be deplored--but there is a very -distinct species of Beaver--King or ordinary--having these marked -characteristics, and the best players invariably claim a Tufted, and -two points, if they have the luck to espy a specimen such as that -depicted. - -The points to look for are the three patches of foliage in centre -forehead and over either ear. The chin-growth partakes of the nature of -these, but it is the _tufted temple_ which makes your rarity. - -In the last century this sub-branch of the genus Longi-Florum was -fairly common; sub-title, Adolphus. - - - - -U. - -IS AN URSINE-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Ursine-Beaver] - -The specimen mounted is, I believe, unique. A noted scientist in -private life, in public life an exquisite Ursine--or (as some say) -Leonine--there are no _data_ extant to assist us in forming an opinion -as to why he did it. - -It is scarcely likely that this phenomenon will flower again for -centuries. Should a pale reflection be observed, remember that the -salient points are: (a.) great width across the cheek-bones, (b.) -uniformity of foliage. - -The miracle mounted opposite had tendrils, delicate, wonderful, almost -on the lower edge of the eye-lids. - -The osseous formation of the nasal promonotory should be carefully -studied by earnest _amateurs_. - - - - -V. - -IS A VAN DYCK-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration Van Dyck-Beaver] - -Mounted as an historical curiosity: they are now extinct. - -In full bloom they were, I am told, very beautiful. The finest -specimens had _never_ shaved, hence the coat was a miracle of gloss, -softness, shimmer and silk. - -Should anything, _anything_ approaching this shape be observed, kindly -write at once to the Association, who are only too anxious to catalogue -every rarity. - -Disregard cropped hair. One dare not hope for a modern specimen in -trailing-coat. - - - - -W. - -IS A WALRUS. - - -[Illustration: Walrus] - -These cannot be scored when playing Beaver. - -A debased form of the game called “Walrus” is--actually--played, and, -occasionally, mixed Walrus and Beaver. The Walrus game usually ends in -an unseemly wrangle, owing to the intense difficulty in deciding on the -exact status of the specimen. - -The specimen mounted is almost perfect--perhaps it is a thought -regular--it was observed in 1922 in Knightsbridge; the neat bow-tie was -pale blue satin, almost certainly attached by a brass clip. - - - - -X. - -IS A XANTHINE-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Xanthine-King-Beaver] - -These specimens are only scored by specialists. - -There is a perfectly distinct difference between a Xanthine, a Red -and a Yellow, but it is very small, and to mark it requires a very -nicely-trained eye. Xanthines are usually rather bewildered-looking, -and are remarkable, in general, for profusion of crop and coarseness of -coat. - -The habit of insisting on minute colour-niceties is to be deplored as -tending to debase the sport to the level of the philatelist’s “rose-red -on carmine,” “carmine on rose-red.” - - - - -Y. - -IS A YELLOW-KING. - - -[Illustration: Yellow-King] - -Excessively rare. - -With the exception of George Killingworth, cited on page 25, the -most notable Yellow-King of whom we have record is Leo Vincey, the -superlative Beaver who went, in company with his dark-brindle guardian, -Mr. Holly, in search of “She” ... or should it be “Her”? - -There is no record in office of a Yellow-King having been scored in the -last eleven years. They are seen occasionally in France, and there are -vague rumours that a certain number are bagged yearly in Germany. - -Claim extravagant points if you have the fortune to light upon one. -Here again sheen is most important, and the coat should be fine, soft -and silky. - - - - -Z. - -IS A ZEBRA-KING-BEAVER. - - -[Illustration: Zebra-King-Beaver] - -Excessively rare. - -I, myself, have once scored a Zebra-King, but it was, and is, the only -specimen of which I have heard, and it is greatly prized locally. - -The colour-demarcation must be very obvious before one can claim a -Zebra. There is as much difference between a Yellow and a Red-King as -there is between a Zebra and a Brindle. - -The King illustrated is--I speak without fear of being -contradicted--literally unique. In superb coat, ideal shape of -attachment, in colour--a greenish tabby with dark markings, the Zebra -I have the pleasure of showing you represents the _ne-plus-ultra_ of -rarity. - -He thus forms a fitting, as it were, _cul-de-lampe_ to my “littel” -guide. - - - - -TERMINAL ESSAY ON THE MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF BEAVERING MEN. - - -Proem. - -Adam, according to tradition, was created in full King-Beaverhood, and, -burgeoning amid the bougainvillea and borage of the Garden of Eden, -the Beard, throughout the centuries, has bloomed and faded, resurged, -again faded, then blossomed anew that, in the fullness of time, the -Beard-Bearer might be crowned with the honourable title of Beaver. -“The soft susurrus of his silken stride” brings joy to the heart of -man, perhaps also “game, set, match,” and the shape, the colour, the -texture of his adornment provoke a fastidious scrutiny akin to that of -a connoisseur appraising a Crown Derby figurine. For many years the -auburn-haired hero who grew a beard was not, _ipso facto_, a person of -any importance. A dignitary of the Church, whose venerable features -were complemented or obscured by a snowy, a grizzled or a brindled -beard of majestic length, was not, inherently, remarkable. Behold them -now, a Red-King and an Ecclesiastical King, cynosures, orchids upon -the unlovely tree-trunk of our common life. As the poet might have -written:-- - - Beaver, beaver, burning bright, - In what forest of the night, - What immortal hand or eye - Could frame thy xanthine symmetry? - - -The Beaver in History. - -The celebrated Beavers of history need not be catalogued at length. -Shakespeare was a Bald-Beaver, apparently an Anticipatory-Vandyke. -Napoleon Bonaparte was not a Beaver. Julius Cæsar, Edward Gibbon, Sir -Joshua Reynolds, Alexander VI. and Beethoven did all “... against the -edicts of God, the oracles of the Prophets, the placits of councils -and the judgment of learned men, hold fast the foolish custom of -shaving.”[2] Contrariwise, Hannibal, William Morris, Rodin, St. -Paul and Juan Rodriguez de Silva y Vélasquez were all content with -“nourishing their horrid bushes of vanity.”[3] The Jews bore their -beards proudly from out the Captivity. Indeed they took captivity -captive; did not the Egyptians from time to time, asserting their -masculinity, assume ceremonial false beards, “double faults” to a man? -The most antient Romans were King-Beavers; the Normans were Walruses; -the Greeks supported a considerable number of King-Beavers, among them -Pericles and Socrates, “shaving was very rare in the early part of our -period (440 B.C.–330 B.C.).”[4] Until the eighteenth century Beaverhood -was common, since that time it has grown rarer and rarer, with a sudden -uprush of fur to the face in the middle of the last century, an uprush -which has now almost died away. We read “... the value of their fur -has caused their destruction in great measure where they were once -numerous, and has led to their extirpation where there is evidence that -they existed as a not uncommon animal. They were formerly distributed -over the greater part of Europe. In England semi-fossilised remains -show that they were not uncommon ... in 1188 Giraldus stated that they -were living on the river Teify in Cardiganshire ... some were known to -frequent the Elbe in 1878.”[5] - -[Footnote 2: Bulwer. _Anthropometamorphosis_ (1650).] - -[Footnote 3: Dr. Bolton.] - -[Footnote 4: Tucker, _Life in Ancient Athens_, p. 83.] - -[Footnote 5: _Living Animals of the World_, vol. I., p. 152 _et seq._ -_Parts of this extract are not clear. What value has the pelt of the -Red-King commercially? Can a tippet be made of the adornment of the -Fringed-Georgic?_] - - -THE GAME. - -Origin. - -The origin of the game, which is scored in exactly the same manner as -Lawn Tennis, is unknown. There are, however, various theories; one -school holds that it came to birth in Oxford, another that it emerged -in the other place, and a third traces it to Malta (where “my brother -from Gozo” was, doubtless, a local champion) and seeks for some -association with antient mysteries. - -The outlines of the game itself are so simple and well-defined that the -question of rules scarcely arises. A bearded man is a Beaver, claim -him, crying aloud, as musically as possible, “Beaver, fifteen love”--or -appropriately to the score. If both players cry aloud simultaneously it -is a “no-ball.” - - -Double Faults. - -The system of “double faults” deserves explanation. The educational -value of the game is high, fostering as it does quickness of -observation and that desirable attribute, an eagle-glance. When a -player has had some little practice he will often score winning points -from behind the specimen. Thus a side-whiskered gentleman may be -claimed from the rear but, on drawing level with the quarry, it is -observed that the chin is bare ... double fault. - - -Local Double Faults. - -“Local double faults” are always a matter of courtesy, and if one -claims a “local D. F.” one is not mulcted in the point. Usually it -is some revered and Friend-of-all-the-World Beaver who is created, -by general consent, a “local D. F.,” to enable players to discuss, -unembarrassed, the day’s sport with him. Juvenile players find this -convention of the greatest possible service. Hot-tempered, hard-handed -uncles and such like are swiftly appeased by being made “local D. F.s,” -and join whole-heartedly in the triumph occasioned by the capture of -some other Brindled-King. - - -Status of Beaver. - -It has been mentioned in the notes that very high standards have been -from time to time set up as regards the status of Beaver. Passionate -purists have, indeed, claimed that the charming Half-Beaver is a D. F., -that the delicate wilding, the Fringed-Georgic, is a D. F., even that -the Imperial and the Nanny are suspect. Heed not such persons. Remember -Knut and Mrs. Partington, nor seek to gild the lily. The sign manual -of the Beaver is the not-naked chin, ἂγυμνος. No one of the specimens -mentioned above has a naked chin, therefore, they are all Beavers; -_quod erat demonstrandum_. - - -Hints as to Habitat. - -The game can be played anywhere, except in Burithabeth, for “these men -have no beards at all, for we saw them carry a certain iron instrument -in their hands wherewith, if any hairs grow upon their chin, they -presently pluck them out.”[6] Cathedral cities are a favourite habitat -of the _genus_, and some are always to be found in the neighbourhood -of Pall Mall. Dockyard towns provide large numbers of the ordinary -variety, but very few Kings. - -[Footnote 6: Mandeville.] - - -Single-handed Beaver. - -It is not generally known that a rigidly conscientious person can play -single-handed Beaver with great content. One scores Beavers walking in -the same direction as oneself to the server, Beavers coming from that -direction, and so passing the player, to the striker and stationary -Beavers in accordance with the direction in which their heads are -turned, towards or away from the player. Beavers debouching suddenly -from cross-roads, if one has not time, as on a swift omnibus, to -observe their ultimate direction, are “no-balls.” - - -Objections to the Game. - -It has been objected that the game is nonsensical, anti-social and -essentially discourteous. Nonsensical it is, an it please you; but -is not nonsense a rare and a precious thing? Is not the nonsense of -Lewis Carroll quite entirely adorable? Is not Lear’s story of Violet, -Slingsby, Guy and Lionel a thing of impressive beauty? The game is not -anti-social, for it entails an increased interest in and admiration of -one’s fellow-men and, as regards discourtesy, surely it is as much a -compliment to a Red-King to cry on him, “Beaver, game, set, match,” as -it is to comment upon some damsel’s handsome eyes. - - -The Beaver. - -“Aristotle in his ethics takes up the conceit of the _Bever_,”[7] -and, in general, one may assume that the bearded are proud of their -adornments, love them, cherish them, even going so far in some cases -as to enclose them in silken bags before retiring to rest. Controversy -has long raged as to the propriety or otherwise of shaving. The Greek -Church held strong views on the point, “... and also they say, that -we sin deadly in shaving our beards, for the beard is token of a man, -and gift of our Lord.”[8] The antient Greeks, as we have observed, for -long clutched their hairiness, but finally succumbed to the Macedonian -mode, and shaved clean; it is an interesting point that they did -utterly abhor the Walrus. In England the matter has been entirely -regulated by fashion, and I cannot trace the existence of any important -body of opinion in favour of or against the practice of shaving. It -would, nevertheless, be safe to say that an immature Beaver in the -present year of grace is so rare as to be practically unknown--English -specimens are seldom lighter than medium-brindle--which shows the trend -of modern thought. - -It may be accepted, then, that the Beaver indulges in efflorescence in -order to gratify his vanity (or in a few cases, perhaps, to keep his -throat warm and save the expense of cravats). Perhaps he remembers the -dictum, “_l’habit long et la barbe imposent de respect_.”[9] In which -connection it may be emphasised that the intense interest now taken in -fine specimens should be (and probably is) a source of considerable -gratification to them. I have even been told of one superb Red-King who -invariably congratulates the fortunate player who scores him. - -[Footnote 7: Browne. _Pseudodoxia_, I., c. ix.] - -[Footnote 8: Mandeville, c. iii.] - -[Footnote 9: Voltaire, _Dict. Phil._] - - -Characteristics of various Species. - -It is interesting to observe the very marked personal characteristics -of the various species. A Brindled-King-Beaver is commonly -distinguished by a dignified port and an air of profound weightiness. -In a Red-King something of wistful may be remarked, in a Xanthine -a touch, maybe, of bewilderment. Parti-colours are usually rather -bird-like (perhaps the unconscious influence of the wag-tail) and -Yellows are always pugnacious in appearance. The Fringed-Georgic smacks -of the soil, the Imperial of cafés with red velvet, the Bald-King of -the Reading-Room of the British Museum, the Tufted of antimaccassars -and bronze horrors wriggling under glass domes. But all, without -exception, carry an indefinable air of _exotisme_, a something that -raises them above the herd; they appear never natural products, always -“sports.” - - -The Queen-Beaver. - -Of the Queen-Beaver it may be safely said that “the female of the -species is more deadly than the male.” A really fine Pink-Queen is -awe-inspiring, and a Grey-Queen infinitely terrifying. The dainty -Blonde-Queen (it is advisable to have two assessors, for the signs of -her beaverhood are “_plus follets, plus doux, plus imperceptibles_”[10] -than in any other species) has a sinister air; a Black-Queen suggests -“Macbeth.” It is curious to read that “in Cyprus the Goddess of Love -wore a beard.”[11] Queens are rare and no false gallantry should prevent -a player from scoring them whenever possible. It is, however, the mark -of the gentleman to claim them _sotto voce_, almost in a whisper. - -[Footnote 10: Voltaire, _op. cit._] - -[Footnote 11: Macrobius, _Saturn_, iii., 8.2.] - - -Personalia. - -We have now examined the game briefly, investigated the -characteristics of the Beaver family, cast a rapid and perfunctory -glance at the Beaver in History (a subject deserving of a tome), and -suggested explanations that may be offered, a defence that may be -attempted, when a player is assailed by a non-player. “To beaver or not -to beaver, that is the question.” The decision must be taken; paltering -is no part of a man. Myself, I took it on the top of an omnibus outside -the Ritz, and I played a most excellent game with myself as far as St. -Mary Abbott’s. - -Having set my hand to the plough I did not look back, but entered upon -the game in all seriousness. When Fortune appeared I did not give her -a chance to “present her bald noddle,” but I grabbed her firmly by the -forelock. Being from town I chanced upon a small _coterie_ of learned -enthusiasts, and much improved my game, as also my knowledge. The city -was a very warren of Beavers; most of my finest specimens were secured -there. Does not the mouth of every collector water on reading that I -scored--with two witnesses, one of whom viséd the prey--a glorious -Pink-Queen, leaning on a green bicycle outside the Post-Office? and, -subsequently, an American Grey-Queen with young? The only rarity, -roughly speaking, which eluded me was a fine Fringed-Georgic. I scored -a somewhat moth-eaten specimen of uncertain colouration. Thus, “on -stepping-stones of our dead” Beavers I attained to a certain skill. -It would have been impossible to choose a better place for my little -holiday, and my gratitude to my genial instructors and coaches knows no -bounds. - -Local rules were well-framed, simple and reasonable. There are two -“local D. F.s,” easily recognisable, and a certain number of markedly -fine specimens which have great repute in the district and bear a -very high scoring-value. All unknowing I claimed and scored _the_ -Ecclesiastical-King and was, instantly, awarded two games. It was, in -very truth, a noble creature, a Pointed-Brindle, which is, of course, -as rare and valuable as a pointed fox, in gorgeous coat and official -robes of a searching scarlet. I had the good fortune to secure also the -finest King in Full Winter-Coat that I have ever seen. The adornment -was almost incredibly bushy and “white as the neck of Lalage,” while -the specimen wore brown _suéde_ shoes. Heigh ho! for the brave days -that are dead. Golly, what a garland I wove me in that dear place. - - -Conclusion. - -To what point are we come? Is the game of Beaver the expression of -a passionate mass-protest against the furred face, or is it the -forerunner of a revival of beards, that is, do we see here the shadow -of that antient custom which led peoples to sacrifice yearly the -animals who else were deities, whom they adored?[12] In any case the -Beard is again burgeoning. But a few years gone the bearded were not, -_qua_ beards, of any importance, now they loom upon the social horizon -considerably larger than a man’s hand. Of the importance of the Beard -it may well be that the apogee is upon us. Perchance the Beard will -again be invested with the dignity of ceremonial as in antient China. -“After the coffining,” so we read of the obsequies of an officer, “the -Master of the Ceremonies does away with his hair-tufts.”[13] Shall we -live to see the Beard exalted as an horn on high? Will the game of -Beaver re-instate the Beard as the Crimean campaign instituted the now -almost extinct (but exquisite) moustache-whisker fitment, or will it -drive the hairy to put off the whole armour of hairiness? _Quien sabe?_ -These things remain, in the charming phrase of M. Cliché, “on the knees -of the gods,” but it is safe to assert that, even now, we can as a -people, we English, rebut the accusation of Samuel Butler, “we often do -not notice that a man has grown a beard.”[14] - -[Footnote 12: _See_ Herodotus, ii., 42.] - -[Footnote 13: Chou Kung, _The I-Li_, c. xxxi.] - -[Footnote 14: Butler, _The Notebooks_, p. 311.] - - -_Printed in Great Britain by Miller, Son & Compy., Fakenham and -London._ - - - - - +Barry Pains parody of “If Winter Comes”+ - --------------------------------------- - - If Summer Don’t - - *A.B.C.D.E.F.G.H. - NOTSOMUCHINSON* - - BARRY PAIN - - [Illustration: Chopped down tree with axe] - - _Barry Pain’s Parody of “If Winter Comes”_-- - - “IF SUMMER DON’T” - -BARRY PAIN’S skit on Mrs. Asquith’s Memoirs (“MARGE ASKINFORIT”) took -the public fancy and 50,000 copies have been sold to date. Mr. BARRY -PAIN has now turned his attention to “IF WINTER COMES” and has written -a parody of this “best seller,” which is a scream from cover to cover. - -F’cap 8vo. 1s. 6d. net. - - - Other Books by BARRY PAIN. - -------------------------- - -At 1s. 6d. net, in paper. - - =Marge Askinforit= - =Edwards= - =Me and Harris= - =Robinson Crusoe’s Return= - =Mrs. Murphy= - =Innocent Amusements= - =Confessions of Alphonse= - =The Diary of a Baby= - - At 2s. net, in cloth--=Going Home=. - - -T. Werner Laurie, Ltd., 30 New Bridge St., London, E.C.4. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Beaver, by John Kettelwell - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BEAVER *** - -***** This file should be named 50147-0.txt or 50147-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/1/4/50147/ - -Produced by David Edwards, Fay Dunn and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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