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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Unforseen Return,
+by Jean-Francois Regnard, translated by Frank J. Morlock
+#1 in our series by Jean-Francois Regnard.
+
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+Title: The Unforseen Return
+
+Author: Jean-Francois Regnard, translated by Frank J. Morlock
+
+Release Date: November, 2003 [Etext #4700]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on March 3, 2002]
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Unforseen Return, by Jean-Francois
+Regnard, translated by Frank J. Morlock
+*******This file should be named unfor10.txt or unfor10.zip******
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+The Unforseen Return by Jean-Francois Regnard, translated by
+Frank J. Morlock
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+frankmorlock@msn.com. Other works by this author may be found at
+http://www.cadytech.com/dumas/personnage.asp?key=130
+
+
+
+                        THE UNFORSEEN RETURN
+                         Comedy in One Act
+
+                             BY REGNARD
+
+                       Translated and adapted
+                        By Frank J. Morlock
+
+
+
+Characters              French names
+
+Mr. Edward Richly       (Clitandre)
+Belinda                 (Lucile)
+Clarissa                (Cydalise)
+Squire                  (Marquis)
+Lucy                    (Lisette)
+Mrs. Prim               (Mme. Bertrand)
+Roger                   (Merlin)
+Jeremy                  (Jacquinet)
+Mr. Andre               (M. Andre)
+Mr. Richly              (M. Geronte)
+
+Six men, four women
+
+
+
+The scene is a street before Richly's house. Lucy, a maid is
+approaching from one side and encounters Mrs. Prim.
+
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Ah, there you are! I'm very glad to meet you. Let's take the
+opportunity to have a little serious conversation, Miss Lucy.
+
+Lucy: (easily)
+Just as serious as you please, Mrs. Prim.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+You know perfectly well that I am displeased with the behavior of my
+niece.
+
+Lucy:
+Really Madam. And what's she done wrong, may I ask?
+
+Mrs. Prim.
+She does nothing but wrong--and to make it worse she surrounds herself
+with a wench like you who gives her the worst possible advice and who
+pushes her over the precipice--where she's heading if she hasn't
+already fallen.
+
+Lucy:
+Well, Mrs. Prim, this is at the very least, a serious conversation as
+you put it--and if I were to respond as seriously I don't know where
+it might end. But the respect I have for your age, and for the aunt of
+my mistress prevents me from responding to you without respect.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+My age! You're a model of moderation!
+
+Lucy:
+It would be nice if you were, too, Madam. You are not the first to
+spread scandal about your niece; remarks that have no foundation
+except in your disordered imagination.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+My disordered imagination! What impudence. (furiously) It's the
+disorder of your actions which make me speak out--and there is nothing
+worse than the life you are living.
+
+Lucy:
+How is that--what's wrong with our life if you please?
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+What? Is there anything more scandalous than the expenditures Belinda
+is constantly making--a girl without a penny in income.
+
+Lucy:
+You have credit, Madame.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Just what she needs to maintain a large house and extravagant tastes.
+
+Lucy:
+Is she forbidden to make her fortune?
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+And how is she to make her fortune?
+
+Lucy:
+Very innocently. She drinks, eats, sings, laughs, gambles, walks to
+take the air--and wealth comes to us while we sleep, I assure you.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+And meanwhile her reputation evaporates. She'll learn. She won't have
+a penny of mine. My brother, who wanted her to be a nun will
+disinherit her. Patience, patience, she won't always be young.
+
+Lucy:
+Very true, that's why we must put our time to good use.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Oh, very well--and all the profit you will get from that will be to
+die in a charity ward: both dishonored.
+
+Lucy:
+Oh, for that, no Madam. A successful marriage will prevent that
+prophecy from being fulfilled.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+A successful marriage. She's going to get married?
+
+Lucy:
+Yes indeed.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Just in time! But I won't be a party to it. I won't help her make
+anyone think she's either respectable or rich. I renounce her as my
+niece, and I will not aid her to deceive anyone; goodbye.
+
+Lucy:
+Don't trouble yourself--we know our business better than you.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+I believe this will be some grand alliance!
+
+(Exit Mrs. Prim in a huff)
+
+Lucy:
+This will be a fine marriage and when it is consummated you will be
+honored to receive her and be her aunt. (shouting after Mrs. Prim) You
+just wait and see! (Lucy is annoyed, stung by Mrs. Prim's remarks. She
+would like to say more but cannot.)
+
+Roger: (entering)
+Good day, child. Who was that old lady you were talking with?
+
+Lucy:
+Who? That was Mrs. Prim, my mistress's aunt.
+
+Roger:
+I didn't recognize her. I wasn't paying much attention.
+
+Lucy:
+The old girl's very well off. She owns a lot of property in London.
+Belinda is very well connected, at least.
+
+Roger:
+But she hasn't any money of her own.
+
+Lucy:
+There's no reason to give up. Money will come. If her three uncles,
+two aunts, three cousins and two nephews die--she will have a very
+large inheritance. Ha, ha! Do you know that if the Plague were to
+strike again, Belinda would cut quite a figure.
+
+Roger:
+She has a nice figure already.
+
+Lucy:
+Her beauty carries all before it.
+
+Roger:
+My master is absolutely determined to marry her.
+
+Lucy:
+And she is absolutely determined to marry him.
+
+Roger:
+There would perhaps be some trouble if our good father were to return
+--but he won't for a while. We'll have the time to prepare and my
+master will be happy--except for the chagrin of marrying Belinda.
+
+Lucy:
+What--what are you trying to say?
+
+Roger:
+Marriage is subject to its ups and downs.
+
+Lucy:
+You are very polite to think that Mr. Edward would ever repent of
+marrying Belinda, a young lady that I have brought up myself.
+
+Roger:
+So much the worse.
+
+Lucy:
+A pretty girl, young and well developed.
+
+Roger:
+That part doesn't reassure me.
+
+Lucy:
+A girl easy to live with.
+
+Roger:
+Most girls are not hard to live with--at first.
+
+Lucy:
+A young lady who is wise and virtuous.
+
+Roger: (wonderingly)
+And you say you raised her?
+
+Lucy: (furiously)
+Why don't you go ahead and say what you want to say wiseacre?
+
+Roger:
+Well do you want me to speak openly? I don't like this alliance at
+all. And I forsee that it won't benefit anyone. Mr. Edward spends his
+money because he is in love and love makes a man open handed: marriage
+ruins love. If my master becomes a miser where will we be?
+
+Lucy:
+He's of too prodigal a nature ever to turn miser. Has he given orders
+for today's feast?
+
+Roger:
+Let's see. Three cooks arrived with their set ups. Leonard, the famous
+Leonard marched at their head. The illustrious Florel has sent six
+bottles of Champagne--he made it himself.
+
+Lucy:
+So much the better. I love expensive stuff--but here is Mr. Edward.
+
+(Edward Townley enters from the house. He is youthful, open, and
+expensively dressed.)
+
+Edward:
+Ha! Good day, my dear Lucy--how are things with you, child? And how is
+your beautiful lady?
+
+Lucy:
+She's at home with Clarissa.
+
+Edward:
+Go, run, my dear Lucy: beg her to come here as soon as possible. I
+have no happy moments except those I pass with her.
+
+Lucy:
+You two are made for each other. When you're not around she's bored to
+death. She won't delay I promise you.
+
+(Exit Lucy)
+
+Roger:
+Well, sir! You're really going to get married? Very soon you will have
+finished your love affair and your money. Not the best way to finish
+the business. But if you are going to do it so be it. What will we
+tell your father when he returns from his business trip to Spain?
+
+Edward:
+You always have inopportune thoughts. Look my friend: frolic in the
+present, have no regret for the past; and don't whatever you do read
+irritating portents in the future. That's the secret of happiness. By
+the way, haven't you received any money for me in the past few days?
+
+Roger:
+In the last three weeks I've obtained a half year's rent on the farm
+in advance. In return you've given Farmer Small a quittance for the
+entire year.
+
+Edward:
+Excellent!
+
+Roger:
+Last week I received 1,800 pounds for those two paintings your father
+refused to sell for thirty thousand.
+
+Edward:
+Fine!
+
+Roger:
+Fine! Also, I got 200 pounds for that tapestry your father purchased
+for five thousand two years ago.
+
+Edward:
+Better!
+
+Roger: Yes, yes, we've had a real white sale during his absence
+haven't we?
+
+Edward:
+It's a little nourishment that we must take sometimes; and we will
+work together on more nourishment in the future.
+
+Roger:
+Work by yourself because I have a bad conscience about being the
+instrument of your ruin. It's with my help you've been able to
+dissipate 10,000 pounds, not to mention another ten thousand you owe
+here and there to usurers and money lenders, who are just waiting to
+fall on us and gobble everything up when the day comes to pay them
+back.
+
+Edward:
+The one who disturbs me the most and causes me the most embarrassment
+is this Mr. Andre. He persecutes me and I only owe him a hundred
+pounds!
+
+Roger:
+He isn't only after that. You also gave him a promissory note for 500
+pounds. Four days ago he took out a judgement on the note. And it
+won't be pleasant if you spend your wedding night in jail.
+
+Edward: (calmly)
+We will find a way to deal with him.
+
+Roger:
+What way? We have no cash at all. All your income is taken in advance
+and spent as received. The townhouse furniture has been sold for a
+song--we've cut down the timber at the country house under the pretext
+of using it for fuel. As for me, I swear to you that I see no way out.
+
+Edward:
+If my father can be kept from returning another five or six months I
+will have plenty of time to repair by my economy the expensive
+disorders of my youth.
+
+Roger:
+Assuredly. And your esteemed father, for his part--hasn't he worked
+hard to amass all this wealth?
+
+Edward:
+Without a doubt.
+
+Roger:
+It's better that you practice this foolishness while he's still alive.
+After he's dead he won't be in a position to straighten things out.
+
+Edward;
+You're right, Roger.
+
+Roger:
+Sir, you're not so bad that you can't, at least, speak well. Your
+father will have made a huge profit from his trip--and you will have
+made a huge expenditure in his absence. Of what can he complain when
+he returns? It will be as if he had never gone, and at worst it will
+be his fault for having been so foolish as to make the trip.
+
+Edward:
+You're really talking some sense today, Roger.
+
+Roger:
+Between you and me, your father is not very bright. I've led him by
+the nose and you know it. I can make him believe anything I want to.
+And when he comes back this time I think I still have power enough to
+pull you out of this sorry mess. Let's go sir. Good cheer and a warm
+fire. Courage returns to me. How many for dinner tonight?
+
+Edward:
+Five or six.
+
+Roger:
+And your dear friend the self styled Squire who has helped you to
+gobble up so much of your wealth so stylishly--will he be here?
+
+Edward:
+He promised me he would, but here is the charming Belinda and her
+cousin--
+
+(Enter Belinda, Clarissa and Lucy)
+
+Belinda:
+The precautions you make me take, Edward, can only be justified by the
+success they are having--and I will be entirely lost in worldliness if
+our marriage doesn't end all the pleasure parties I'm used to.
+
+Edward:
+I have never had any other sentiments, pretty Belinda--and here is
+your friend who can bear witness to it.
+
+Clarissa:
+I guarantee the goodness of your heart if you must take this moment to
+justify yourself; but I, who never get mixed up in anything
+adventurous and who haven't seen the conclusion of this affair--what
+kind of role must I play--and what will people say of it, I pray?
+
+Roger:
+They'll say that people are known by the company they keep--and that
+the company made you get married. My master has so many friends--you
+have only to pick.
+
+Lucy:
+Take one, madame. The crazier things are--the more fun. Come on--make
+a choice!
+
+Clarissa:
+I'll marry the devil. Now that you mention it, I think I'll marry off
+Lucy--because of the company. It's a very contagious example.
+
+Edward:
+I wish you'd follow our example. I have a young friend who is
+alienated from his family. That's the way to recommend him. Has he
+told you of his feelings?
+
+Clarissa:
+No. This sort of marriage doesn't interest me. I don't follow anyone's
+lead. I want to take a husband as independent as I am.
+
+Edward:
+Well said. My friend isn't the type to let you put a bridle on him.
+
+Roger:
+But here is the Squire who comes to see you. I am going to see if
+everything is ready for your supper.
+
+(Exit Roger to the house)
+
+Squire: (entering from the street)
+Your servant, my friend. Ah, ladies, I am delighted to see you. You
+are waiting for me and that's very proper. I am the very soul of your
+parties, I admit. The premier mover in your pleasures, I know it.
+Where are we now? Is the supper ready? Are we getting married? Shall
+we abandon ourselves to wine? Come on, bring on the gaiety--I've never
+been in such a mood, in such spirits--I defy you to bore me.
+
+Clarissa:
+Truly, Squire, you were wise to wait.
+
+Lucy:
+It would be silly if a Squire were the first to come! One would think
+he had nothing to do.
+
+Squire:
+I assure you ladies that my coach cannot fly faster. It's less than
+three quarters of an hour since I left Saint James. You know I usually
+use arabian horses. There are simply no better horses for a quick
+rendezvous.
+
+Edward:
+What affair is so pressing?
+
+Squire:
+If we didn't have flying carriages like that we'd miss half our
+opportunities.
+
+Melinda:
+And since when, Squire, are you mixed up with going to court? It seems
+that you ordinarily stay at Oxford.
+
+Squire:
+Well, what of it, my dear.
+
+(To Edward)
+Here you are awash in pleasure--you swim in delights. You know the
+interest that I take in all that concerns you. What happiness when two
+well tested hearts approach the long awaited moment--there one sees
+the ending of--a novel. This is a great day for you.
+
+Edward:
+I feel my happiness in all this talk.
+
+(To Squire)
+But tell me, I beg you, have you been, as you promised, to the jeweler
+for the diamonds?
+
+Squire: (to Clarissa)
+And you pretty cousin, what is it? Your heart says nothing to you? The
+example should encourage you--don't you wish, in marrying, to pay your
+debts to love and nature? It is terrible to be useless in this world.
+
+Clarissa:
+I am not bored yet with my virginity.
+
+Squire:
+Whenever you please we will take the same momentous step--hearts
+united. I am made for the ladies, and, in all modesty, the ladies are
+made for me. May I be damned if you are not to my taste. I am ready to
+love you one day to the point of adoration--to the point of madness!
+But not to the point of marriage. I like amours without consequences--
+you understand me, I'm sure?
+
+Lucy:
+Truly, this speech is so plain it needs no commentary. What! Squire!
+For shame!
+
+Squire:
+You can't know how much this little fellow shames me. It is true this
+little bourgeois hasn't an equal, and that I treat him like family,
+introduce him into society, teach him to gamble, educate his taste in
+manners, furniture, and horses. I lead him a little astray--but these
+little gentlemen are not very happy unless one inspires them with the
+manners of the court and they learn to ruin themselves in two or three
+years.
+
+Lucy:
+Have you many scholars?
+
+Squire:
+Where is Roger? I don't see him here. He's a pretty fellow. I love
+him. I find him admirable as a trickster, to keep off creditors, to
+calm usurers, to persuade and pacify merchants. To sell all the
+furniture in a house quietly and quickly. How fashionable, how witty
+of your father, how prudent, to leave you a governor so wise, an
+economist so knowing. This rogue values twenty thousand pounds rent,
+the same way a baby does a half penny.
+
+(Enter Roger)
+
+Roger:
+Ladies and gentlemen, when you wish to enter supper is ready.
+
+Squire:
+Yes. Well said. We mustn't lose time. I told you that Roger was a
+pretty fellow. I feel in a praiseworthy mood to drink wine. You will
+see if I remain in that mood. Come ladies--those who love me--follow
+me.
+
+Edward:
+Moments are very precious to lovers. Let's not lose any time.
+
+(Exit all but Roger into the house)
+
+Roger:
+Well, thank God, business is good, our lovers are happy. May Heaven
+make it last a long while! But what do I see? There, I believe comes
+Jeremy, the valet of our absent master.
+
+(Enter Jeremy)
+
+Jeremy:
+At last I'm home. Hey, good day, Roger--the prodigal returns. How are
+you?
+
+Roger:
+And you--dreadful apparition, how are you?
+
+Jeremy:
+As you see, couldn't be better. A little tired, but we had a very
+successful trip.
+
+Roger:
+What! "We" had a very successful trip? You didn't come alone?
+
+Jeremy:
+What a question. Of course not. Came with my master. He went to the
+customs house with the merchandise while I came with the personal
+baggage and the joyous news for his son that he is returned in perfect
+health.
+
+Roger:
+News like that will certainly rejoice him.
+
+(Low)
+What are we going to do?
+
+Jeremy:
+Something wrong? You don't look well--and you don't seem very glad to
+see us.
+
+Roger:
+I'm not. This is most troublesome. All is lost. Now tell me--will he
+be kept at the custom house long?
+
+Jeremy:
+No--he'll be here any minute.
+
+Roger:
+In an minute? I think I'll go nuts.
+
+Jeremy:
+But what the hell's the matter with you?
+
+Roger:
+I don't know. Oh, the cursed old man. To return at such a bad time--
+and not to forewarn us. What a treacherous bastard.
+
+Jeremy:
+You must be up to something deep; this unexpected return hasn't upset
+your plans too much, has it?
+
+Roger:
+Oh, no! They'll all mixed up--by all the devils in hell!
+
+Jeremy:
+Too bad.
+
+Roger:
+Jeremy, my poor, Jeremy, help me to arrange things, I beg you.
+
+Jeremy:
+Me-- What do you want me to do?
+
+Roger:
+Go--rest. Go in. You'll find good company--nothing to upset you.
+They'll make you drink Champagne.
+
+Jeremy:
+Not hard to get me to do that.
+
+Roger:
+Tell Mr. Edward that his father is back--but not to worry, I will wait
+for him here--and try to do all I can. I will sell myself to the devil
+if I know what! Tell him not to worry, and as for you, begin by
+getting drunk and go to bed.
+
+Jeremy:
+I will obey your orders exactly, don't fret.
+
+(Exit Jeremy into the house)
+
+Roger:
+Come, Roger, pull yourself together my boy: courage! Here we have a
+violent father returning impromptu from a long trip; a son in the
+midst of an orgy; the house in disorder full of cooks and caterers in
+preparation for an impending wedding--and all we have to do is prevent
+this from being discovered. Ah, here comes the old man. Let's stand
+aside a little and think of a way to prevent him from entering his own
+house.
+
+(Enter Mr. Richly)
+
+Richly:
+Now after all my work and all the risks I've run-- See: by Heaven's
+grace, my voyage has a happy ending. I return to my dear old home and
+I believe my son will be very happy to see me back and in good health.
+
+Roger: (aside)
+Not as happy as we would be to know you are well--but elsewhere.
+
+Richly:
+Children owe a good deal to fathers who work tirelessly to leave them
+well off.
+
+Roger: (aside)
+Yes; but not to those who return so inopportunely.
+
+Richly:
+I don't wish to delay anymore entering home and giving my son the
+pleasure of knowing I'm safely returned. I believe the poor boy will
+die of joy to see me.
+
+Roger: (aside)
+It wouldn't surprise me if he's already half dead just knowing you're
+here. But it's necessary to meet him.
+
+(Aloud)
+What do I see? Just Heaven--am I awake--is it a ghost?
+
+Richly:
+I believe if I am not deceived, that it's Roger.
+
+Roger:
+Indeed, it is Mr. Richly himself--or else the devil in his shape.
+Seriously speaking, is it you, my dear master?
+
+Richly:
+Yes, it's me, Roger. How've you been?
+
+Roger:
+As you see, sir, very much at your service like a faithful servant,
+bright eyed and bushy-tailed--and always ready to obey you.
+
+Richly:
+That's good news. Let's go in.
+
+Roger:
+We weren't expecting you and I assure you, you have fallen on us from
+the clouds, as it were.
+
+Richly:
+No, I came by carriage from Portsmouth where my ship happily arrived
+several days ago. But now--
+
+Roger:
+How well you look! What a face! How stout! The air in Spain must do
+wonders for men of your age. You ought to stay there, sir--for your
+health--
+
+(Low)
+and our safety.
+
+Richly:
+And how is my son? Has he taken good care of the business? Is it
+profitable under his management?
+
+Roger:
+Oh, as to that, why I tell you, he has done so well--you wouldn't
+believe how he's into money. Your business is in a state that would
+astonish you--my word on it.
+
+Richly:
+You really make me happy, Roger, to give me such fine news. He's
+stored up a big pile of money, eh?
+
+Roger:
+Not at all, sir.
+
+Richly:
+Not at all? How's that!
+
+Roger:
+No, I tell you this boy is the best manager you could wish. He follows
+your footsteps. He drives your money like a race horse. If he can make
+a buck he will work day and night.
+
+Richly:
+That comes from setting kids a good example. I'm dying with impatience
+to hug him. Come along, Roger.
+
+Roger:
+He's not inside, sir, and if you are in a hurry to see him, I
+suggest--
+
+(Enter Mr. Andre)
+
+Andre:
+Good day, Roger--
+
+Roger:
+Your servant, Mr. Andre, your servant.
+
+(Low)
+Here's a villainous loan shark who picks a fine time to come demand
+his money.
+
+Andre:
+You know, Mr. Roger, I've been here everyday lately without finding
+your master. If he cannot pay me today, tomorrow I will swear out a
+warrant against him and you know it very well.
+
+Roger: (aside)
+This will ruin us.
+
+Richly:
+What's this all about?
+
+Roger:
+I will explain everything to you when we are alone. Nothing to be
+concerned about!
+
+Andre:
+A mere business of one hundred pounds owed to me for which I have a
+receipt and a judgement which I intend to put into execution.
+
+Richly:
+What's he talking about, Roger?
+
+Roger:
+He's a fiend who will do just what he says.
+
+Richly:
+Edward owes you--?
+
+Andre:
+Yes, indeed, Mr. Edward Richly, a child whose father is off somewhere
+and who will be pleasantly surprised on his return when he learns of
+the life his son has led in his absence.
+
+Roger:
+This doesn't look too good.
+
+Andre:
+The son is a gambler, a spendthrift, and a wencher, while they say the
+father is a villain, a miser, and a tightass.
+
+Richly:
+What do you intend to say to this miser and tightass?
+
+Andre:
+I don't want to talk to you, I want to speak to the father of Mr.
+Edward Richly who is in two words an imbecile and a fool.
+
+Richly:
+Roger--
+
+Roger:
+He's telling you the truth, sir. Mr. Edward does owe him--
+
+Richly:
+And you told me of his exemplary conduct.
+
+Roger:
+Yes, sir. It's a result of his careful management that he owes this
+money.
+
+Richly:
+What--borrow money from a loan shark.
+
+(To Mr. Andre)
+I see by looking at you, sir, that you're in the right line.
+
+Andre:
+Yes, sir, and I believe that you are also in the same profession.
+
+Roger: (aside)
+How easily honest men recognize each other.
+
+Richly:
+You dare to say this is the result of his superior management!
+
+Roger:
+Peace! Don't say a word. When you know the bottom of this thing you
+will be enchanted. He has bought a house--a mansion for ten thousand
+pounds--
+
+Richly:
+A house for ten thousand?
+
+Roger:
+And easily worth fifteen. He didn't have enough cash, so in order not
+to lose the bargain, he borrowed money from this honest swindler you
+see here. You are not so angry as you were, I bet.
+
+Richly:
+On the contrary, I'm overjoyed. Oh, sir, this Mr. Edward who owes you
+the money is my son.
+
+Roger:
+And this gentleman is the father--got it?
+
+Andre:
+I've overjoyed as well.
+
+Richly:
+Don't worry about your money. I approve what my son has done. Come
+back tomorrow and you will have your money--in cash.
+
+Andre:
+I'm your servant, sir.
+
+(Exit Mr. Andre, delighted)
+
+Richly:
+Now tell me in what part of town is the house located?
+
+Roger:
+In what part of town?
+
+Richly:
+Yes, there are several neighborhoods. This one here for example.
+
+Roger:
+Well, indeed, it's also located in this quarter.
+
+Richly:
+Good--so much the better. Where exactly?
+
+Roger:
+Hold on--(pointing) Do you see that house with an arbor where the
+windows have been repainted?
+
+Richly:
+Yes, well--?
+
+Roger:
+That's not it. But a little farther off. The one with the big
+gatehouse which is right next to the other one. Well, it's a little
+behind that on the next street. Cattycornered to it.
+
+Richly:
+I don't see that one from here.
+
+Roger:
+I can't help that.
+
+Richly:
+Isn't that the home of Mrs. Prim?
+
+Roger:
+Right. Mrs. Prim. Couldn't remember her name. Good buy, isn't it?
+
+Richly:
+Absolutely. But why did the stupid woman sell off her inheritance?
+
+Roger:
+One can't foresee everything that will happen in life as the
+philosophers say. She's been very unfortunate--she's gone plum crazy.
+
+Richly:
+Gone crazy?
+
+Roger:
+Raving. Her family tried to stop her. And her son who is a rake gave
+his house for a fraction of the money hers was worth.
+
+(Low)
+I'm getting in deeper and deeper.
+
+Richly:
+But she doesn't have any son that I know of.
+
+Roger:
+She doesn't have a son?
+
+Richly:
+No. I'm sure of it.
+
+Roger:
+Must have been her daughter then.
+
+Richly:
+I'm irritated by this mischance. But I've amused myself long enough.
+Open the door for me, will you?
+
+Roger: (low)
+Ouf! Now we've reached the crisis.
+
+Richly:
+What's the matter? Has something happened to my son?
+
+Roger:
+No, sir.
+
+Richly:
+Has someone stolen something in my absence?
+
+Roger:
+Not at all.
+
+(Low)
+What will I tell him?
+
+Richly:
+Explain everything. Speak.
+
+Roger:
+I an hardly keep from crying. Don't go in, sir. Your house--this dear
+house--which you love--has for the last six months--
+
+Richly:
+Well--my house--for the last six months--
+
+Roger:
+The devil is haunting the place, sir. He made us take up residence
+elsewhere.
+
+Richly:
+The devil is in my house?
+
+Roger:
+Yes, sir. Haunts the place. In fact, that's what has forced your son
+to buy another house. We couldn't live there any more.
+
+Richly:
+You're kidding me. It isn't possible.
+
+Roger:
+There's no sort of malicious trick they haven't put on me. Sometimes
+they mock me when I'm unable to move my feet. Sometimes they shave my
+beard with a red hot razor--and without fail every night they affront
+me with the stench of sulfur.
+
+Richly:
+And now I say again, you're putting me on.
+
+Roger:
+Not at all, sir. What hasn't happened to me? We've brought the best
+exorcists in London. There's no way to force them out; this spirit is
+furiously tenacious--he's the one that possesses women when they have
+the devil in them.
+
+Richly:
+A horrible thought has occurred to me. Tell me, I beg you, have they
+been in the wine cellar?
+
+Roger:
+Alas, sir, they forage everywhere.
+
+Richly:
+I am lost. I buried fifty thousand pounds in that wine cellar.
+
+Roger:
+Fifty thousand pounds! Sir, there are fifty thousand pounds in your
+house?
+
+Richly:
+In the wine cellar.
+
+Roger:
+In the wine cellar. That's exactly where they hold their Sabbath.--
+Oh, if only we had known this. And where in the wine cellar if you
+please?
+
+Richly:
+To the left as you enter. Under a big block of stone near the door.
+
+Roger:
+Fifty thousand pounds under a big block of stone! You should have told
+us--we could have saved you from this unlucky pass. It's on the left
+as you go in, you say.
+
+Richly:
+Yes. The place is easy to find.
+
+Roger:
+I'll easily find it. But you know, sir, that it's worth your life--
+you're risking your neck to go in there? And the whole sum is in gold?
+
+Richly:
+All in pure gold.
+
+Roger: (aside)
+Good. Easier to carry.
+
+(Aloud)
+Oh, as to that, sir, since we know the cause of the evil it won't be
+hard to find a remedy. I believe we'll--manage. Leave it to me.
+
+Richly:
+I have trouble believing all you tell me. You tell me so many stories
+about these matters that I don't know what to believe. I'll trust you
+for now, but I'll find out what's what. What reversals one sees in
+life! One can't make a little money without men or the devil trying to
+get it away from you. The devil is not going to have it!
+
+(Exit Richly)
+
+(Enter Lucy)
+
+Lucy:
+Ah, my poor Roger. Is it true that Mr. Edward's father has returned?
+
+Roger:
+Only too true, but to console us, I have found a treasure.
+
+Lucy:
+A treasure?
+
+Roger:
+In the wine cellar, as you enter--to the left under a large black
+stone--a sack which contains fifty thousand pounds.
+
+Lucy:
+Fifty thousand pounds.
+
+Roger:
+Yes, child, and I tell you that will be plenty--run find the sack, the
+sack--hurry!
+
+Lucy:
+But--
+
+Roger:
+The devil take you with your buts. Mr. Richly will return. Save
+yourself--hide, quickly. To the treasure. To the treasure.
+
+(Exit Lucy)
+
+We are about to have a nice explanation. Now to navigate your ship and
+bring it into port.
+
+(Reenter Richly)
+
+Richly:
+You see I wasn't long. I found my porters near here and I've told them
+to wait because it seems a good idea to store my goods in the house my
+son has bought.
+
+Roger:
+A new fix!
+
+Richly:
+I don't recognize the place too well, so you can take me there
+yourself.
+
+Roger;
+I want to, sir, but--
+
+Richly:
+But what! The Devil isn't master there, too, is he?
+
+Roger:
+Mrs. Prim is still living there.
+
+Richly:
+Still living there?
+
+Roger:
+Yes, indeed. It's agreed that she will stay out her term, and--as her
+mind is weak--she gets in a furious state whenever anyone talks to her
+about vacating. She's really crazy, you see.
+
+Richly:
+I'll talk to her in a way that will calm her down.
+
+Roger:
+You!
+
+(Aside)
+All is lost.
+
+Richly:
+You're making me very impatient. I absolutely want to speak to her, I
+tell you.
+
+Roger:
+Well, in that case--talk to her--because happily, here she comes. But
+remember she's a basket case.
+
+Mrs. Prim: (entering)
+Well, here's Mr. Richly returned, it seems.
+
+Roger: (low to Mrs. Prim)
+Yes, Madam, indeed it is he--but he's lost his wits. His ship was
+wrecked and he drank salt water. It turned his head.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+What a shame--the poor man!
+
+Roger:
+If he happens by chance to accost you, he may say something odd. Don't
+pay any attention. We're going to have him locked up.
+
+(To Richly)
+If you speak to her, have a little patience with her weakness. Think
+of her as a clock that's a bit cuckoo.
+
+Richly:
+Leave her to me.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+There's something strange and distracted about his manner.
+
+Richly:
+How her looks have changed. She has haggard eyes.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Well--it's Mr. Richly. You've come back to England, eh?
+
+Richly:
+Ready to render you my devoirs.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+I'm very distressed about the misfortune you've suffered.
+
+Richly:
+I have to be patient. They say devils are occupying my house. But it
+will be all right after we kick them out. They'll be worn out staying
+there.
+
+Mrs. Prim: (aside)
+Devils in his house! I'd better not contradict him, it might make him
+worse.
+
+Richly:
+I'd like, madam, to store some packages that I brought back with me in
+your house.
+
+Mrs. Prim: (aside)
+He doesn't realize that his ship was wrecked. What a pity.
+
+(Aloud)
+I am at your service and my house is more yours than mine.
+
+Richly:
+Oh, madam, I have no intention of abusing you of the condition you are
+in.
+
+(To Roger)
+But really, Roger, this woman is not as crazy as you said she was.
+
+Roger:
+She has a few good moments--but it won't last.
+
+Richly:
+Tell me, Mrs. Prim, have you always been as wise and as reasonable as
+you are now?
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+I don't think anybody, Mr. Richly, has ever seen me otherwise.
+
+Richly:
+But it that's so your family shouldn't have you locked up.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Locked up--me--have me locked up?
+
+Richly: (aside)
+She's totally unaware of her illness.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+But if you are not ordinarily more crazy than at present, I think it's
+very wrong you should be put away.
+
+Richly:
+Me put away?
+
+(Aside)
+Now she's out of whack; there it is, there it is. Let's change the
+subject.
+
+(Aloud)
+Well, is it that you're irritated about their selling your house?
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+They sold my house?
+
+Richly:
+At least it's better that my son bought it at a bargain price.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+My poor Mr. Richly. My house hasn't been sold, and it's not for sale.
+
+Richly:
+There! There! Don't upset yourself, I promise you you will always have
+your apartment--just as if you still owned it--and as if you were in
+good mental health.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+What do you mean as if I was still in good mental health! Go away,
+you're an old madman, an old madman who shouldn't be allowed out of
+Bedlam--of Bedlam, my friend.
+
+Roger: (To Mrs. Prim)
+Are you wise to fight with a wacko?
+
+Richly:
+Oh, if that's your attitude, you can get out. The house belongs to me,
+and I'll put my luggage there in spite of you. Just look at this crazy
+old woman.
+
+Roger: (To Richly)
+What are you getting in a rage for with a woman who has lost her mind?
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Just try. I'll be waiting for you. Back to your padded cell you
+lunatic! Hurry and lock him up, he's becoming dangerous, I'm warning
+you.
+
+(Exit Mrs. Prim in a huff)
+
+Roger: (aside)
+I don't quite know how I am going to get out of this.
+
+Squire: (entering from the house)
+What's all this hullabaloo? Beating on an honest man's door and
+scandalizing the neighborhood?
+
+Richly:
+Roger, what's going on?
+
+Roger:
+The devils in your house are a little drunk. They frolic in the wine
+cellar.
+
+Richly:
+Some kind of swindle is afoot, I'm sure of it.
+
+Squire:
+They say the master of this house has just returned from a long sea
+voyage--would you be he by any chance?
+
+Richly:
+Yes, sir, I am he.
+
+Squire:
+I congratulate you, sir. That was a beautiful trip and a wonderful
+lesson for a young man. You must know, sir, that your son has been
+learning wonderful manners while you were gone. Really fine manners.
+The boy is very generous. Doesn't resemble you at all. You are a
+villain, sir.
+
+Richly:
+Sir, sir!
+
+Roger:
+These teasing devils are insolent.
+
+Richly:
+You are a rogue.
+
+Squire:
+We were very upset, very worried--full of concern over your return. In
+your absence your son was ready to kill himself from malaise. In
+truth, he disliked everything in life. He gave up all his vanities.
+Everything that could attach him to this earth: wealth, furniture,
+honors. This boy loves you so much it's unbelievable.
+
+Roger:
+He would have died of worry during your absence if it hadn't been for
+this honest gentleman.
+
+Richly:
+He! How is it you're in my house, sir, if you please?
+
+Squire:
+Don't you understand without my telling you? I've just drunk champagne
+in the best company. He's still feasting which is the best way
+possible for him to comfort himself in your absence.
+
+Richly:
+This swindler will ruin me. I'm going in.
+
+Roger:
+Stop! I will not allow you to enter.
+
+Richly:
+I can't go in to my own house?
+
+Squire:
+No. The company is not ready to receive you.
+
+Richly:
+What do you mean?
+
+Squire:
+It wouldn't be proper for a son who knows how to live and who has been
+learning manners from me to receive his father in a house which has
+nothing in it but the four walls.
+
+Richly:
+What--four walls? My beautiful paintings which cost me three thousand
+pounds--are they gone?
+
+Squire:
+We got eighteen hundred for them. Not a bad sale.
+
+Richly:
+Not a bad sale. Masterpieces like that.
+
+Squire:
+Bah! The subject was lugubrious. The fall of Troy with a villainous
+wooden horse that had neither mouth nor tail. We made a friend out of
+the buyer.
+
+Richly:
+Ah, gallowsbird.
+
+Squire:
+Weren't there a couple of other paintings that represented something?
+
+Richly:
+Oh, yes. They were originals by a master some think to be Leonardo--
+they represented the Rape of the Sabines.
+
+Squire:
+Right. We got rid of them, too--because of delicacy of conscience.
+
+Richly:
+Delicacy of conscience!
+
+Squire:
+A wise, virtuous, religious man like Mr. Richly--and to have immodest
+nude Sabine women about him--fie! Nudity is not for the young.
+
+(Reenter Mrs. Prim)
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Ah, truly, I have just been warned of some nice business, Mr. Richly.
+They say your son is marrying my niece.
+
+Richly:
+I don't know about your niece, but my son is a rogue, Mrs. Prim.
+
+Roger:
+Yes, a rake who has led me astray and who has caused--
+
+Squire:
+Let's not complain about each other or speak ill of those who are not
+present. One shouldn't condemn people without hearing them first. Pay
+attention, if you please, Mr. Richly. You've got to look on the bright
+side. If you are happy, the whole world will be happy. Besides, it's
+not your fault. And you can't do anything about it but kick up a fuss.
+If you are patient no one will laugh at you.
+
+Richly:
+Go to the devil with your sophistries. But what do I see. They're
+running off with my fifty thousand pounds.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+It's that bitch of a Lucy and my niece.
+
+Richly:
+And my swindler son.
+
+(Enter Edward and the others)
+
+Edward:
+Daddy, it's no longer necessary to abuse your credulity. All this has
+been due to the zeal of Roger to keep you out of the house while I
+married Belinda. I ask you to pardon my past behaviour. Bless this
+marriage, I beg you.
+
+(Low)
+Then you can have your fifty thousand back, and I promise to be better
+in the future.
+
+Richly:
+Ah, gallowsbird, do you mock me?
+
+Roger:
+It's true, sir.
+
+Mrs. Prim:
+Belinda is my niece--and if your son has married her, I'll give her a
+dowry which will satisfy you.
+
+Richly:
+Can you do that? Aren't you under restraint?
+
+Roger:
+That was only my trick.
+
+Richly:
+What the house--?
+
+Roger:
+Part of the same thing.
+
+Richly:
+What a misfortune! But if you will give me my money back, I've got
+enough sense of humor to give my consent, if you want it. It's the
+only way to prevent worse from happening.
+
+Squire:
+Well, said. That pleases me. Shake, Mr. Richly--you're a brave man. I
+want to drink with you. Let's go back in and have more to drink and
+eat. You know it was a lucky thing you came just in time for the
+wedding.
+
+
+CURTAIN
+
+
+
+End of this Project Gutenberg etext of The Unforseen Return by
+Jean-Francois Regnard, translated by Frank J. Morlock.
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