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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44989 ***
+
+[Illustration: The First Monday.]
+
+[Illustration: The First Fashion Plate.]
+
+[Illustration: The First Lesson.]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+    The Complete Cynic
+
+    Being Bunches of
+    Wisdom Culled from the
+    Calendars of
+
+    Oliver Herford
+    Ethel Watts Mumford
+    Addison Mizner
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+    Paul Elder & Company
+
+    Publishers · · San Francisco
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: COPY-RIGHT]
+
+    Copyright, 1902, by Elder and Shepard
+    Copyright, 1903, by Paul Elder and Company
+    Copyright, 1904, by Paul Elder and Company
+    Copyright, 1905, by Paul Elder and Company
+    Copyright, 1906, by Paul Elder and Company
+    Copyright, 1907, by Paul Elder and Company
+    Copyright, 1908, by Paul Elder and Company
+    Copyright, 1910, by Paul Elder and Company
+
+[Illustration: Verbum Sap]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Fur give and fur get.]
+
+
+
+
+DEDICATION, 1911
+
+TO THE MERRY
+
+
+    "Wisdom may not be confined
+      'Twixt covers of the dictionary,
+    Neither will it be defined;
+      Learning, you may quickly bury;
+    Wisdom--Soul and Life combined combined--
+      Lingers ever with the merry."
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+DEDICATION, 1905
+
+TO THE WORLD AT LARGE
+
+
+    This Little Book of Wisdom Great
+    It pleases us to dedicate
+    To that Rampageous Reprobate--
+          The World at Large.
+    Yet as we mark his Stony Phiz
+    And see him whoop and whirl and whiz,
+    We can but cry--O Lord, why _is_
+          The World at Large!
+                      OLIVER HERFORD.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+DEDICATION, 1907
+
+
+    To Foolish-wise and Wisely-gay
+    Of whate'er country they may be,
+    We dedicate this little gem
+    By Ollie, Addison and Me,
+    In hopes they'll buy in massive lots
+    And help us boil our little pots.
+                                   (T)
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: DEDICATION]
+
+
+
+
+DEDICATION, 1908
+
+
+    Reader--would you a Cynic be?
+      Vindictive--Vitriolic?
+    Then be one in your Infancy--
+      Your Nurse will think it's Colic.
+
+    Like Measles take it while you're young,
+      'Twill drive your parents frantic,
+    But you'll grow up, (if still unhung)
+      An Optimist Romantic.
+                                      (H)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+DEDICATION, 1909
+
+
+    Then here's to those who love the Stars
+    And diligently tea them,
+    And here's to all Ambitious Souls
+    Who strongly strive to be them;
+    But most to those Discerning Ones
+    Who know Stars when they see them.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+    "Now the well of truth
+    'Tis an ink well."
+                Sayings of Towanda.
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: The Root of all Evil ($)]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK ONE
+
+
+God gives us our relatives--thank God we can choose our friends. (M)
+
+When Papa comes in at the door the Lover flies out at the window. (T)
+
+Look before you sleep. (M)
+
+It's a strong stomach that has no turning. (T)
+
+Those that came to cough remain to spray. (H)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Naught is lost save honor. (H)
+
+God sends the tempest to the shorn lambs. (T)
+
+Silence gives contempt. (M)
+
+People who love in glass houses should pull down the blinds. (T & M)
+
+God help those who do not help themselves. (T & M)
+
+A church fair exchange is robbery. (T)
+
+Fools rush in and win, where angels fear to tread. (M)
+
+A rich man can get the eye of the beadle. (M)
+
+The boulevards are the roads to destruction. (M)
+
+Economy is the thief of time. (T)
+
+A bird on a bonnet is worth ten on a plate. (T)
+
+As you sew so must you rip. (T)
+
+[Illustration: The quill is as mighty off the wing. (M)]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Let him now speak or hereafter hold his piece of information for a good
+price. (M)
+
+A lie in time saves nine. (T)
+
+A thing of duty is an-noy forever. (H)
+
+Better all a loafer than a half-bred. (T & M)
+
+Matri-mony is the root of all evil. (T)
+
+Necessity is the mother of contention. (T)
+
+A word to the wise is resented. (M)
+
+Where there is a will there's a lawsuit. (T)
+
+Hell is paved with big pretensions. (T)
+
+"Mercy and truth are met together, righteousness and peace have kissed
+each other." Look out!!!! (M)
+
+Pride will have a Fall bonnet. (M)
+
+He laughs best, who's laugh lasts. (T)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He that is surety for a stranger shall be wiser the next time. (M)
+
+Pride goeth before and the bill cometh after. (M)
+
+Single blessedness and married cussedness. (T)
+
+Young widows in ash cloth and sashes. (M)
+
+Blood is bluer than water. (T)
+
+None but the brave desert the fair. (T)
+
+A little widow is a dangerous thing. (M)
+
+Money shall cover a multitude of sins. (T)
+
+"Who so findeth a (rich) wife findeth a good thing." (M) Prov.
+xviii, 22.
+
+Whose service is perfect freedom??? (M)
+
+As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it? (M)
+
+[Illustration: Some are born widows, some achieve widowhood, whilst
+others have widows thrust upon them. (T)]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (T)
+
+Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. (T)
+
+If the wolf be at the door, open it and eat him. (M)
+
+Many are called but few get up. (H)
+
+Saint heart ne'er won fair lady. (M)
+
+Honor is without profit--in most countries. (T & M)
+
+Consistency, thou art a mule! (M)
+
+The poor ye have with ye always--but they are not invited. (T)
+
+Eat your steak or you'll have stew. (M)
+
+Stays make waist. (M)
+
+One touch of nature makes the whole world blush. (T & M)
+
+Think of your ancestors and your posterity and you will never marry.
+(M)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Sweet are the uses of diversity. (M)
+
+Tamper not with fledged fools. (T)
+
+Tomorrow would be sweet if we could kill yesterday. (M)
+
+A lie for a lie and a truth for a truth. (M)
+
+Fain would I write yet fear to pall. (T)
+
+In one's old coterie may one sport the old pantry and vestry? (H)
+
+It is better to make friends fast than to make fast friends. (M)
+
+There's many a sip 'twixt the cup and the lip. (M)
+
+A friend in deeds is a friend indeed. (M)
+
+All that a man knoweth will he tell to his wife. (M & T)
+
+One husband does not make a home. (T)
+
+What is home without another? (H)
+
+[Illustration: When folly is bliss 'tis ignorance to be otherwise. (M)]
+
+A fool and his honey are soon mated. (T & M)
+
+There is no soak without some fire water. (M)
+
+Tell the truth and shame the--family. (T)
+
+There's none so blind as those who won't fee. (H)
+
+Knowledge is power--if you know it about the right person. (M)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: Next!]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK TWO
+
+
+A little spark may smirk unseen. (T)
+
+The wages of Gin is Debt. (T)
+
+"The grinders may cease"--but the grind goes on forever. (M)
+
+Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. (H)
+
+Too many hooks spoil the cloth. (T)
+
+[Illustration: Dead men tell no tales--?--?--! (T)]
+
+One good turn deserves applause. (T)
+
+Opposition is the surest persuasion. (M)
+
+He who owes nothing fears nothing. (T)
+
+You will never miss water while the champagne runs dry. (T)
+
+Money makes the Mayor go. (H)
+
+There's a Pen for the wise, but alas! no Pound for the foolish. (M)
+
+Imagination makes cowards of us all. (T)
+
+Wild oats make a bad autumn crop. (T)
+
+The number of a man's widows will be in proportion to the size of his
+estate. (M)
+
+He that is down need not fear plucking. (M)
+
+Nothing succeeds like--failure. (H)
+
+Let him that standeth pat take heed lest they call. (T)
+
+Don't take the Will for the Deed--get the Deed. (M)
+
+The doors of Opportunity are marked "Push" and "Pull." (T)
+
+Charity is the sterilized milk of human kindness. (H)
+
+The greatest possession is Self-possession. (T)
+
+Pleasant company always accepted. (T)
+
+The gossip is not always of the swift, nor the tattle of the wrong. (T)
+
+Advice to Parents--"Cast not your girls before swains." (T)
+
+Only the young die good. (T)
+
+[Illustration: The wisest reflections are but Vanity. (T)]
+
+The Doctor's Motto--A fee in the hand is worth two on the book. (T)
+
+Give an inch and take an ell. (T)
+
+What can't be cured must be insured. (H)
+
+The more taste the less creed. (T)
+
+There is no time like the pleasant. (H)
+
+The danger lies not in the big ears of little pitchers, but in the
+large mouths. (T)
+
+He jests at scores who never played at Bridge. (T)
+
+Women change their minds a dozen times a day--that's why they are so
+clean-minded. (H)
+
+A gentle lie turneth away inquiry. (H)
+
+Never too old to yearn. (T)
+
+Kind hearts are more than coronets--few girls can afford to have
+either. (T)
+
+    He who fights and runs away
+    Will live to write about the fray. (H)
+
+The pension is mightier than the sword. (T)
+
+A fool's paradise is nevertheless a paradise. (T)
+
+Let well enough alone--there's brandy and soda. (M)
+
+A fellow failing makes us wondrous unkind. (H)
+
+Society covers a multitude of sins. (T)
+
+All is not bold that titters. (T)
+
+The ways of the transgressor are smooth. (H)
+
+The Steamer's Motto--You can't eat your cake and have it, too. (H)
+
+[Illustration: You may lead an Ass to Knowledge--but you cannot make
+him Think. (T)]
+
+The more waist the less speed. (M)
+
+The self-made man is often proud of a poor job. (T)
+
+[Illustration:
+
+    Shut your mouth and open your eyes--
+    And you'll need nothing to make you wise.
+                                          (T)]
+
+[Illustration]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: The First Jealousy.]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK THREE
+
+
+Many a man's house is his Bastille. (T)
+
+Costly thy garments as thy tailor will stand for. (M)
+
+To have and to scold. (M)
+
+Busy people are never busybodies. (T)
+
+To make the winter pass quickly--sign a note in the fall. (H)
+
+The Grafter's Motto--Work ill done must be twice paid for. (T)
+
+[Illustration: Too many looks spoil the cloth. (T)]
+
+Never give up from the ship. (M)
+
+Look out for your friends--the neighbors will look in for themselves.
+(T)
+
+Come in (and see if you can stay in) without knocking. (M)
+
+Better a live doggerel than a dead sonnet. (T)
+
+A cat may look at a king--but it takes four aces to see four of 'em. (T
+& M)
+
+Chicago Motto--I smell a vat. (M)
+
+Diplomacy: Lying in State. (H)
+
+Millionaire: A large body entirely surrounded by water-ed stock. (T & M)
+
+Contentment is the smother of invention. (T)
+
+"The law is open"--to question. (T)
+
+Life Insurance Motto--Robbing the widows early and orphan. (T)
+
+An ounce of convention is worth a pound of explanation. (T)
+
+Opportunity knows no law. (T)
+
+Avoid the plate in sincere prayer. (M)
+
+A kiss in time saves brine. (H)
+
+The Doctor's Motto--Better a dead patient than a live appendix. (T)
+
+Whom the Gallery Gods love dye young. (H)
+
+The locksmith is the only tradesman Love can afford to laugh at. (T)
+
+Where the fire burns hottest there is no smoke. (M)
+
+Nobody's business is everybody's curiosity. (T)
+
+Rice makes might. (H) General Oyama.
+
+Sow your wild oats in a peach orchard. (M)
+
+First waters run steep. (H)
+
+A hair in the head is worth two in the brush. (H)
+
+[Illustration: A lion among ladies is a terrible thing.
+                                      Shakespeare. (T)]
+
+
+    O woman, in thine hours of ease,
+    Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,
+    When pains of anguish wring the brow,
+    You send us to the hospital now! (T)
+
+Take what comes your way--but select the way. (T)
+
+He that seweth the wind will bust his singer. (T)
+
+Jealousy is confession of weakness. (T)
+
+Chauffeur--and much further. (H) Motophor.
+
+Put not your Trust in investigation. (T)
+
+All's well that ends swell. (T)
+
+Meet out Justice as she should be met. (M)
+
+The woman who forgives and doesn't forget is trying to preempt heaven
+and raise hell. (T)
+
+Fed men tell no tales. (M)
+
+A "wise" son maketh a mad father. (M)
+
+"Time" was made for knaves. (T)
+
+One man's canned meat is another man's poison. (H) The Packer's
+Proverb.
+
+Once a good fellow always a good thing. (M)
+
+Pluck not the date of the itching palm. (T)
+
+There's always room at the top--after the investigation. (H)
+
+On with the dance, let joy be unrefined. (M)
+
+Not lost, but gone to law. (M)
+
+Let your X-rays so shine that they may see your bad works. (T)
+
+The mug that goes often with the swells will some day be broke. (H)
+
+A woman on time is one in nine. (T)
+
+There are enough serious things in life without considering yourself
+one of them. (M)
+
+[Illustration: The First Cynic. (H)]
+
+[Illustration: The First Quarrel. (H)]
+
+First catch your reputation and then see if you can keep up with it. (T)
+
+There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it. (H)
+The Angler's Motto.
+
+Many a smile maketh a flirt. (M)
+
+    I was glad when they said unto me,
+    Let us go into the house of a lord. (H)
+                    Snob's Text.
+
+Architecture! Oh, the crimes that have been committed in thy name! (M)
+
+Obesity is the mother of Abstinence. (H)
+
+Blessed is the peacemaker; for he shall need the kingdom of heaven as a
+refuge. (M)
+
+He jests at scares who never dodged a car. (T)
+
+A switch in time saves a fine. (H) Motophor.
+
+Of the six senses: the mightiest of these is humor. (M)
+
+It's the man behind the chauffeur who gets the jerk. (T & M).
+
+Necessity knows any mother-in-law. (H)
+
+The world is divided into two groups: those trying to get thin and
+those trying to get fat. (M)
+
+What's in a name--without seventy-five per cent. advertising. (M)
+
+The worst thing about cynicism is its truth. (T)
+
+Tell your secrets and become a slave. (M)
+
+Hunger is the best sauce--and the worst boss. (M)
+
+To go wool gathering. (T) Wall Street's Motto.
+
+You may drink hearty but not healthy. (T)
+
+He who will have a finger in every pie will some day find it mince. (T)
+
+Don't kill sheep too near home. (M)
+
+[Illustration: Nothing is stronger than custom-s. (T)]
+
+He's a friend to none who's a friend to oil. (T) The Standard Motto.
+
+I would fain not die a dry death. (M) With apologies to "The Tempest."
+
+A penny yearned is a penny shaved. (T) The Sage's Motto.
+
+    O wad some power the giftie gie us
+    To see some people before they see us! (M)
+
+Discretion is the better part of indiscretion. (T)
+
+Love is blind--that explains many things. (M)
+
+    A cad--the other man.
+    A cat--the other woman. (H)
+
+In the midst of life we are in debt. (M)
+
+A man of courage never needs weapons--but he may need bail. (M)
+
+A flea in the ear is worse than two on the dog. (T)
+
+He that liveth well hath (l)earned enough. (M)
+
+Born with a silver spoon in the mouth--and somebody hopes you choke. (T)
+
+People who have never been tempted are just as good as cold-storage
+eggs. (H)
+
+United we stand it, divided we re-marry. (T)
+
+The original Scotch high bawl--bagpipes. (H)
+
+Old wine and women should not be stirred. (M)
+
+A Piller for Society--a fashionable doctor. (H)
+
+When thieves fall out--then honest men may steal. (T)
+
+Every Jock has his pull. (T)
+
+In Unions is discord. (T)
+
+"Laissez faire." (H) Corset-Maker's Motto.
+
+Indiscretion is the better part of pallor. (H)
+
+[Illustration: To this complexion do we come at last.
+                                             Hamlet. (T)]
+
+"Troubles never come singly." Why marry? (T)
+
+Some people's genius lies in giving infinite pains. (T)
+
+A soft drink turneth away company. (H)
+
+They also swear who only stand and wait. (T)
+
+He who runs may face a recount. (M)
+
+Better fifty minutes motoring than a cycle to Cathay. (H)
+
+[Illustration: FINISH]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: The Eternal Deception--Find the Devil?]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK FOUR
+
+
+Announce of Prevention--"No Admittance." (H)
+
+All the world shoves a shover. (T)
+
+Give a jury enough dope and it will hang itself. (H)
+
+If the shoe fits--put it on to somebody else. (T)
+
+It's the darkest before pawn. (M)
+
+A policy shop--the Embassy. (T)
+
+He payeth best who loveth best. (T)
+
+If at first you don't succeed, buy, buy again. (H) From "Maxims of a
+Johnny."
+
+You may have many strings to your Beau, but "It doesn't always follow."
+(H)
+
+Two is Company, three is Investigation. (T)
+
+"Peace that passeth all understanding"--the Hague Conference. (H)
+
+Those who "cursed the day they were born" must have been infant
+prodigies. (T)
+
+They say the artist never repeats himself--many artists are too busy
+repeating other people. (H)
+
+Beware games of chance--the game doesn't take chances. (T)
+
+The original bone of contention--Adam's rib. (H)
+
+The golden mean--nouveau riche. (H)
+
+Why do those today whom you can work tomorrow? (M)
+
+Blow it--while you're young! (H)
+
+[Illustration: Wade--and found wanting. (H)]
+
+How far that little scandal throws its beams! So shines a bad deed in
+the daily press. (T)
+
+Receipts of the Mighty--Dividends. (H)
+
+Ohm! Sweet Ohm! (H) Electrician's Motto.
+
+Wife is uncertain. (T)
+
+Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle, they burned Rome. (H)
+
+A counter irritant--the saleslady. (T)
+
+A cat has nine lives, but the scandal she starts has ninety. (T)
+
+A Saturday night egg is an egg that has "tried all week to be good." (H)
+
+Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg--pluck it. (T)
+
+First be sure it's light, then go to bed. (M)
+
+I only regret that I have but one wife to leave in my country. (T)
+Last words of the Absconder.
+
+Consistency is the only jewel that tempts no woman. (H)
+
+It's a wise saw that cuts two ways. (T)
+
+Best fed, soonest landed. (T)
+
+Truth is stronger than diction. (H)
+
+Everybody hates an early riser. (H)
+
+Cut your friends according to your check-book. (T) The Parvenue's
+Motto.
+
+One may do favors for many but accept them from few. (M)
+
+When the author's away--we write the play. (H) Actor's Motto.
+
+Buy, Baby, Buy!!! (H) Chorus Girls' College Yell.
+
+Work, for the light is coming! (T) The Burglar's Motto.
+
+Leave no "Turn" unstoned. (H) Dramatic Critic's Motto.
+
+The burning question--Will we get the insurance? (T)
+
+Publicity is the bent pin in the seats of the Mighty. (H)
+
+If thou hast a white elephant, be comforted--somewhere there is a zoo.
+(T)
+
+[Illustration: A straw shows which way the gin flows. (H)]
+
+    To be a Cynic, get a pair
+    Of cross-eyed goggles blue,
+    And you will see folks everywhere
+    As other folks see you. (H)
+
+No one knows the worth of woman's love till he sues for alienation. (H)
+
+Who whirls an auto reaps an autopsy. (H)
+
+To the food inspector all things are pure. (M)
+
+A Pool--and your money is soon parted. (H)
+
+Ignorance of the Law excuses no man--from practising it. (T)
+
+Stock exchange is all robbery. (H)
+
+If some people got their Rights they would complain of being deprived
+of their wrongs. (H)
+
+Too many "Cooks" spoil the tour. (M)
+
+An ounce of detention is worth a pound of too sure. (T)
+
+A Medium: One who puts a spook in your wheels. (H)
+
+Pay the Piper--but jew down his bill. (T)
+
+Exclusiveness is Nature's quarantine for snobs. The polecat is the most
+exclusive of animals--the garlic of vegetables. (H)
+
+When Art is long the artist is short. (H)
+
+Men may come and men may go, but women prink forever. (H)
+
+A man is known by the silence he keeps. (H)
+
+[Illustration: FINIS]
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: The Fat is on the Friar.]
+
+
+
+
+BOOK FIVE
+
+
+Be hailed truthful that your lies may count. (M)
+
+Never drink from your finger-bowl--it contains only water. (T)
+
+Have patients. (T) The Doctor's Motto.
+
+Don't talk about yourself--it will be done when you leave. (T)
+
+"Honest as the day is long"--don't strike for shorter hours. (M)
+
+Don't leave your spoon in your cup--work it up your sleeve. (M)
+
+Don't borrow trouble--it is cheerfully given. (T)
+
+Never strike a woman--tell her she can't reason. (T)
+
+Poets are born, not paid. (T)
+
+Nothing too small for personal attention--remember the flea. (T)
+
+Even the tallest family tree has its roots in the soil. (H)
+
+Pro-moter--one who wants to sell you his. (T)
+
+It's a long love that has no turning. (M)
+
+Out of sight--in for absent treatment. (M)
+
+Never call a man a fool--borrow from him. (T)
+
+The pen is fightier than the sword. (H)
+
+[Illustration: Beauty and the Brut. (T)]
+
+Let your light so shine before men that they may dodge your motor car.
+(T)
+
+Weighed and found banting. (H)
+
+Where is the dough of yesteryear? (M) General Cry.
+
+Close to nature--the bathing-suit. (T)
+
+Don't make sweeping assertions--_do_ the housework. (T)
+
+Lots of people have matrimonial troubles and don't know it. (H)
+
+A penitentiary for your faults. (M)
+
+    I hold it truth with them that sing
+    With one long carp in cynic tones,
+    That men will rise on stepping-stones
+    Of their best selves for anything. (T)
+
+Cultivate a pleasing address. Some people judge by location. (T)
+
+Does a virtue cease to be a virtue when embraced by a woman? (H)
+
+Welcome the coming; bleed the parting guest. (M) The Landlord's
+Motto.
+
+"Ladies First"--or you may get backbitten. (T)
+
+Some people will only thaw out at the Social Register. (T)
+
+Never speak sharply--give your poison-candied opinion. (T)
+
+Never put your feet on the table--some people eat pigs' feet. (T)
+
+Not one-half knows how his better half lives. (T)
+
+Too good to be new. (H)
+
+Much silver goeth by the till the cash-register knoweth not of. (M)
+
+Too many crooks spoil the legislature. (T)
+
+The rift in the loot--the reform committee. (T)
+
+[Illustration: What are the Wild Waves saying, Sister?]
+
+"Salt Horse" is soon curried. (H)
+
+"Give no quarter" and the dollars will take care of themselves. (T)
+
+If a penny is wise, who says a pound is foolish? (M)
+
+The field of literature is sown with laurel and wild oats. (H)
+
+The family "Grace"--thank God they couldn't come! (H)
+
+[Illustration: END.]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Complete Cynic, by 
+Oliver Herford and Ethel Watts Mumford and Addison Mizner
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44989 ***