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diff --git a/44989-8.txt b/44989-0.txt index 6dd1632..a79b0ce 100644 --- a/44989-8.txt +++ b/44989-0.txt @@ -1,40 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Complete Cynic, by -Oliver Herford and Ethel Watts Mumford and Addison Mizner - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Complete Cynic - Being Bunches of Wisdom Culled from the Calendars of... - -Author: Oliver Herford - Ethel Watts Mumford - Addison Mizner - -Release Date: February 24, 2014 [EBook #44989] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMPLETE CYNIC *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44989 *** [Illustration: The First Monday.] @@ -61,7 +25,7 @@ Internet Archive) Paul Elder & Company - Publishers · · San Francisco + Publishers · · San Francisco @@ -995,361 +959,4 @@ The family "Grace"--thank God they couldn't come! 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Complete Cynic - Being Bunches of Wisdom Culled from the Calendars of... - -Author: Oliver Herford - Ethel Watts Mumford - Addison Mizner - -Release Date: February 24, 2014 [EBook #44989] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMPLETE CYNIC *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44989 ***</div> <div class="figcenter" style="width: 461px;"> <img src="images/cover.jpg" width="461" height="800" alt="covefr" /> @@ -1551,383 +1509,6 @@ they couldn't come! <span class='sigletter'>(H)</span></p> <img src="images/i_b_052.jpg" width="279" height="222" alt="END." /> </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Complete Cynic, by -Oliver Herford and Ethel Watts Mumford and Addison Mizner - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMPLETE CYNIC *** - -***** This file should be named 44989-h.htm or 44989-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/9/8/44989/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - - -</pre> - +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44989 ***</div> </body> </html> diff --git a/44989.txt b/44989.txt deleted file mode 100644 index bc772b2..0000000 --- a/44989.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1355 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Complete Cynic, by -Oliver Herford and Ethel Watts Mumford and Addison Mizner - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Complete Cynic - Being Bunches of Wisdom Culled from the Calendars of... - -Author: Oliver Herford - Ethel Watts Mumford - Addison Mizner - -Release Date: February 24, 2014 [EBook #44989] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMPLETE CYNIC *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - -[Illustration: The First Monday.] - -[Illustration: The First Fashion Plate.] - -[Illustration: The First Lesson.] - -[Illustration] - - - - - The Complete Cynic - - Being Bunches of - Wisdom Culled from the - Calendars of - - Oliver Herford - Ethel Watts Mumford - Addison Mizner - - [Illustration] - - Paul Elder & Company - - Publishers . . San Francisco - - - - -[Illustration: COPY-RIGHT] - - Copyright, 1902, by Elder and Shepard - Copyright, 1903, by Paul Elder and Company - Copyright, 1904, by Paul Elder and Company - Copyright, 1905, by Paul Elder and Company - Copyright, 1906, by Paul Elder and Company - Copyright, 1907, by Paul Elder and Company - Copyright, 1908, by Paul Elder and Company - Copyright, 1910, by Paul Elder and Company - -[Illustration: Verbum Sap] - - - - -[Illustration: Fur give and fur get.] - - - - -DEDICATION, 1911 - -TO THE MERRY - - - "Wisdom may not be confined - 'Twixt covers of the dictionary, - Neither will it be defined; - Learning, you may quickly bury; - Wisdom--Soul and Life combined combined-- - Lingers ever with the merry." - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -DEDICATION, 1905 - -TO THE WORLD AT LARGE - - - This Little Book of Wisdom Great - It pleases us to dedicate - To that Rampageous Reprobate-- - The World at Large. - Yet as we mark his Stony Phiz - And see him whoop and whirl and whiz, - We can but cry--O Lord, why _is_ - The World at Large! - OLIVER HERFORD. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -DEDICATION, 1907 - - - To Foolish-wise and Wisely-gay - Of whate'er country they may be, - We dedicate this little gem - By Ollie, Addison and Me, - In hopes they'll buy in massive lots - And help us boil our little pots. - (T) - - - - -[Illustration: DEDICATION] - - - - -DEDICATION, 1908 - - - Reader--would you a Cynic be? - Vindictive--Vitriolic? - Then be one in your Infancy-- - Your Nurse will think it's Colic. - - Like Measles take it while you're young, - 'Twill drive your parents frantic, - But you'll grow up, (if still unhung) - An Optimist Romantic. - (H) - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - -DEDICATION, 1909 - - - Then here's to those who love the Stars - And diligently tea them, - And here's to all Ambitious Souls - Who strongly strive to be them; - But most to those Discerning Ones - Who know Stars when they see them. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - "Now the well of truth - 'Tis an ink well." - Sayings of Towanda. - - - - -[Illustration: The Root of all Evil ($)] - - - - -BOOK ONE - - -God gives us our relatives--thank God we can choose our friends. (M) - -When Papa comes in at the door the Lover flies out at the window. (T) - -Look before you sleep. (M) - -It's a strong stomach that has no turning. (T) - -Those that came to cough remain to spray. (H) - -[Illustration] - -Naught is lost save honor. (H) - -God sends the tempest to the shorn lambs. (T) - -Silence gives contempt. (M) - -People who love in glass houses should pull down the blinds. (T & M) - -God help those who do not help themselves. (T & M) - -A church fair exchange is robbery. (T) - -Fools rush in and win, where angels fear to tread. (M) - -A rich man can get the eye of the beadle. (M) - -The boulevards are the roads to destruction. (M) - -Economy is the thief of time. (T) - -A bird on a bonnet is worth ten on a plate. (T) - -As you sew so must you rip. (T) - -[Illustration: The quill is as mighty off the wing. (M)] - -[Illustration] - -Let him now speak or hereafter hold his piece of information for a good -price. (M) - -A lie in time saves nine. (T) - -A thing of duty is an-noy forever. (H) - -Better all a loafer than a half-bred. (T & M) - -Matri-mony is the root of all evil. (T) - -Necessity is the mother of contention. (T) - -A word to the wise is resented. (M) - -Where there is a will there's a lawsuit. (T) - -Hell is paved with big pretensions. (T) - -"Mercy and truth are met together, righteousness and peace have kissed -each other." Look out!!!! (M) - -Pride will have a Fall bonnet. (M) - -He laughs best, who's laugh lasts. (T) - -[Illustration] - -He that is surety for a stranger shall be wiser the next time. (M) - -Pride goeth before and the bill cometh after. (M) - -Single blessedness and married cussedness. (T) - -Young widows in ash cloth and sashes. (M) - -Blood is bluer than water. (T) - -None but the brave desert the fair. (T) - -A little widow is a dangerous thing. (M) - -Money shall cover a multitude of sins. (T) - -"Who so findeth a (rich) wife findeth a good thing." (M) Prov. -xviii, 22. - -Whose service is perfect freedom??? (M) - -As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it? (M) - -[Illustration: Some are born widows, some achieve widowhood, whilst -others have widows thrust upon them. (T)] - -[Illustration] - -Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (T) - -Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. (T) - -If the wolf be at the door, open it and eat him. (M) - -Many are called but few get up. (H) - -Saint heart ne'er won fair lady. (M) - -Honor is without profit--in most countries. (T & M) - -Consistency, thou art a mule! (M) - -The poor ye have with ye always--but they are not invited. (T) - -Eat your steak or you'll have stew. (M) - -Stays make waist. (M) - -One touch of nature makes the whole world blush. (T & M) - -Think of your ancestors and your posterity and you will never marry. -(M) - -[Illustration] - -Sweet are the uses of diversity. (M) - -Tamper not with fledged fools. (T) - -Tomorrow would be sweet if we could kill yesterday. (M) - -A lie for a lie and a truth for a truth. (M) - -Fain would I write yet fear to pall. (T) - -In one's old coterie may one sport the old pantry and vestry? (H) - -It is better to make friends fast than to make fast friends. (M) - -There's many a sip 'twixt the cup and the lip. (M) - -A friend in deeds is a friend indeed. (M) - -All that a man knoweth will he tell to his wife. (M & T) - -One husband does not make a home. (T) - -What is home without another? (H) - -[Illustration: When folly is bliss 'tis ignorance to be otherwise. (M)] - -A fool and his honey are soon mated. (T & M) - -There is no soak without some fire water. (M) - -Tell the truth and shame the--family. (T) - -There's none so blind as those who won't fee. (H) - -Knowledge is power--if you know it about the right person. (M) - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: Next!] - - - - -BOOK TWO - - -A little spark may smirk unseen. (T) - -The wages of Gin is Debt. (T) - -"The grinders may cease"--but the grind goes on forever. (M) - -Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. (H) - -Too many hooks spoil the cloth. (T) - -[Illustration: Dead men tell no tales--?--?--! (T)] - -One good turn deserves applause. (T) - -Opposition is the surest persuasion. (M) - -He who owes nothing fears nothing. (T) - -You will never miss water while the champagne runs dry. (T) - -Money makes the Mayor go. (H) - -There's a Pen for the wise, but alas! no Pound for the foolish. (M) - -Imagination makes cowards of us all. (T) - -Wild oats make a bad autumn crop. (T) - -The number of a man's widows will be in proportion to the size of his -estate. (M) - -He that is down need not fear plucking. (M) - -Nothing succeeds like--failure. (H) - -Let him that standeth pat take heed lest they call. (T) - -Don't take the Will for the Deed--get the Deed. (M) - -The doors of Opportunity are marked "Push" and "Pull." (T) - -Charity is the sterilized milk of human kindness. (H) - -The greatest possession is Self-possession. (T) - -Pleasant company always accepted. (T) - -The gossip is not always of the swift, nor the tattle of the wrong. (T) - -Advice to Parents--"Cast not your girls before swains." (T) - -Only the young die good. (T) - -[Illustration: The wisest reflections are but Vanity. (T)] - -The Doctor's Motto--A fee in the hand is worth two on the book. (T) - -Give an inch and take an ell. (T) - -What can't be cured must be insured. (H) - -The more taste the less creed. (T) - -There is no time like the pleasant. (H) - -The danger lies not in the big ears of little pitchers, but in the -large mouths. (T) - -He jests at scores who never played at Bridge. (T) - -Women change their minds a dozen times a day--that's why they are so -clean-minded. (H) - -A gentle lie turneth away inquiry. (H) - -Never too old to yearn. (T) - -Kind hearts are more than coronets--few girls can afford to have -either. (T) - - He who fights and runs away - Will live to write about the fray. (H) - -The pension is mightier than the sword. (T) - -A fool's paradise is nevertheless a paradise. (T) - -Let well enough alone--there's brandy and soda. (M) - -A fellow failing makes us wondrous unkind. (H) - -Society covers a multitude of sins. (T) - -All is not bold that titters. (T) - -The ways of the transgressor are smooth. (H) - -The Steamer's Motto--You can't eat your cake and have it, too. (H) - -[Illustration: You may lead an Ass to Knowledge--but you cannot make -him Think. (T)] - -The more waist the less speed. (M) - -The self-made man is often proud of a poor job. (T) - -[Illustration: - - Shut your mouth and open your eyes-- - And you'll need nothing to make you wise. - (T)] - -[Illustration] - - - - -[Illustration: The First Jealousy.] - - - - -BOOK THREE - - -Many a man's house is his Bastille. (T) - -Costly thy garments as thy tailor will stand for. (M) - -To have and to scold. (M) - -Busy people are never busybodies. (T) - -To make the winter pass quickly--sign a note in the fall. (H) - -The Grafter's Motto--Work ill done must be twice paid for. (T) - -[Illustration: Too many looks spoil the cloth. (T)] - -Never give up from the ship. (M) - -Look out for your friends--the neighbors will look in for themselves. -(T) - -Come in (and see if you can stay in) without knocking. (M) - -Better a live doggerel than a dead sonnet. (T) - -A cat may look at a king--but it takes four aces to see four of 'em. (T -& M) - -Chicago Motto--I smell a vat. (M) - -Diplomacy: Lying in State. (H) - -Millionaire: A large body entirely surrounded by water-ed stock. (T & M) - -Contentment is the smother of invention. (T) - -"The law is open"--to question. (T) - -Life Insurance Motto--Robbing the widows early and orphan. (T) - -An ounce of convention is worth a pound of explanation. (T) - -Opportunity knows no law. (T) - -Avoid the plate in sincere prayer. (M) - -A kiss in time saves brine. (H) - -The Doctor's Motto--Better a dead patient than a live appendix. (T) - -Whom the Gallery Gods love dye young. (H) - -The locksmith is the only tradesman Love can afford to laugh at. (T) - -Where the fire burns hottest there is no smoke. (M) - -Nobody's business is everybody's curiosity. (T) - -Rice makes might. (H) General Oyama. - -Sow your wild oats in a peach orchard. (M) - -First waters run steep. (H) - -A hair in the head is worth two in the brush. (H) - -[Illustration: A lion among ladies is a terrible thing. - Shakespeare. (T)] - - - O woman, in thine hours of ease, - Uncertain, coy, and hard to please, - When pains of anguish wring the brow, - You send us to the hospital now! (T) - -Take what comes your way--but select the way. (T) - -He that seweth the wind will bust his singer. (T) - -Jealousy is confession of weakness. (T) - -Chauffeur--and much further. (H) Motophor. - -Put not your Trust in investigation. (T) - -All's well that ends swell. (T) - -Meet out Justice as she should be met. (M) - -The woman who forgives and doesn't forget is trying to preempt heaven -and raise hell. (T) - -Fed men tell no tales. (M) - -A "wise" son maketh a mad father. (M) - -"Time" was made for knaves. (T) - -One man's canned meat is another man's poison. (H) The Packer's -Proverb. - -Once a good fellow always a good thing. (M) - -Pluck not the date of the itching palm. (T) - -There's always room at the top--after the investigation. (H) - -On with the dance, let joy be unrefined. (M) - -Not lost, but gone to law. (M) - -Let your X-rays so shine that they may see your bad works. (T) - -The mug that goes often with the swells will some day be broke. (H) - -A woman on time is one in nine. (T) - -There are enough serious things in life without considering yourself -one of them. (M) - -[Illustration: The First Cynic. (H)] - -[Illustration: The First Quarrel. (H)] - -First catch your reputation and then see if you can keep up with it. (T) - -There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it. (H) -The Angler's Motto. - -Many a smile maketh a flirt. (M) - - I was glad when they said unto me, - Let us go into the house of a lord. (H) - Snob's Text. - -Architecture! Oh, the crimes that have been committed in thy name! (M) - -Obesity is the mother of Abstinence. (H) - -Blessed is the peacemaker; for he shall need the kingdom of heaven as a -refuge. (M) - -He jests at scares who never dodged a car. (T) - -A switch in time saves a fine. (H) Motophor. - -Of the six senses: the mightiest of these is humor. (M) - -It's the man behind the chauffeur who gets the jerk. (T & M). - -Necessity knows any mother-in-law. (H) - -The world is divided into two groups: those trying to get thin and -those trying to get fat. (M) - -What's in a name--without seventy-five per cent. advertising. (M) - -The worst thing about cynicism is its truth. (T) - -Tell your secrets and become a slave. (M) - -Hunger is the best sauce--and the worst boss. (M) - -To go wool gathering. (T) Wall Street's Motto. - -You may drink hearty but not healthy. (T) - -He who will have a finger in every pie will some day find it mince. (T) - -Don't kill sheep too near home. (M) - -[Illustration: Nothing is stronger than custom-s. (T)] - -He's a friend to none who's a friend to oil. (T) The Standard Motto. - -I would fain not die a dry death. (M) With apologies to "The Tempest." - -A penny yearned is a penny shaved. (T) The Sage's Motto. - - O wad some power the giftie gie us - To see some people before they see us! (M) - -Discretion is the better part of indiscretion. (T) - -Love is blind--that explains many things. (M) - - A cad--the other man. - A cat--the other woman. (H) - -In the midst of life we are in debt. (M) - -A man of courage never needs weapons--but he may need bail. (M) - -A flea in the ear is worse than two on the dog. (T) - -He that liveth well hath (l)earned enough. (M) - -Born with a silver spoon in the mouth--and somebody hopes you choke. (T) - -People who have never been tempted are just as good as cold-storage -eggs. (H) - -United we stand it, divided we re-marry. (T) - -The original Scotch high bawl--bagpipes. (H) - -Old wine and women should not be stirred. (M) - -A Piller for Society--a fashionable doctor. (H) - -When thieves fall out--then honest men may steal. (T) - -Every Jock has his pull. (T) - -In Unions is discord. (T) - -"Laissez faire." (H) Corset-Maker's Motto. - -Indiscretion is the better part of pallor. (H) - -[Illustration: To this complexion do we come at last. - Hamlet. (T)] - -"Troubles never come singly." Why marry? (T) - -Some people's genius lies in giving infinite pains. (T) - -A soft drink turneth away company. (H) - -They also swear who only stand and wait. (T) - -He who runs may face a recount. (M) - -Better fifty minutes motoring than a cycle to Cathay. (H) - -[Illustration: FINISH] - - - - -[Illustration: The Eternal Deception--Find the Devil?] - - - - -BOOK FOUR - - -Announce of Prevention--"No Admittance." (H) - -All the world shoves a shover. (T) - -Give a jury enough dope and it will hang itself. (H) - -If the shoe fits--put it on to somebody else. (T) - -It's the darkest before pawn. (M) - -A policy shop--the Embassy. (T) - -He payeth best who loveth best. (T) - -If at first you don't succeed, buy, buy again. (H) From "Maxims of a -Johnny." - -You may have many strings to your Beau, but "It doesn't always follow." -(H) - -Two is Company, three is Investigation. (T) - -"Peace that passeth all understanding"--the Hague Conference. (H) - -Those who "cursed the day they were born" must have been infant -prodigies. (T) - -They say the artist never repeats himself--many artists are too busy -repeating other people. (H) - -Beware games of chance--the game doesn't take chances. (T) - -The original bone of contention--Adam's rib. (H) - -The golden mean--nouveau riche. (H) - -Why do those today whom you can work tomorrow? (M) - -Blow it--while you're young! (H) - -[Illustration: Wade--and found wanting. (H)] - -How far that little scandal throws its beams! So shines a bad deed in -the daily press. (T) - -Receipts of the Mighty--Dividends. (H) - -Ohm! Sweet Ohm! (H) Electrician's Motto. - -Wife is uncertain. (T) - -Perhaps it was because Nero played the fiddle, they burned Rome. (H) - -A counter irritant--the saleslady. (T) - -A cat has nine lives, but the scandal she starts has ninety. (T) - -A Saturday night egg is an egg that has "tried all week to be good." (H) - -Don't kill the goose that lays the golden egg--pluck it. (T) - -First be sure it's light, then go to bed. (M) - -I only regret that I have but one wife to leave in my country. (T) -Last words of the Absconder. - -Consistency is the only jewel that tempts no woman. (H) - -It's a wise saw that cuts two ways. (T) - -Best fed, soonest landed. (T) - -Truth is stronger than diction. (H) - -Everybody hates an early riser. (H) - -Cut your friends according to your check-book. (T) The Parvenue's -Motto. - -One may do favors for many but accept them from few. (M) - -When the author's away--we write the play. (H) Actor's Motto. - -Buy, Baby, Buy!!! (H) Chorus Girls' College Yell. - -Work, for the light is coming! (T) The Burglar's Motto. - -Leave no "Turn" unstoned. (H) Dramatic Critic's Motto. - -The burning question--Will we get the insurance? (T) - -Publicity is the bent pin in the seats of the Mighty. (H) - -If thou hast a white elephant, be comforted--somewhere there is a zoo. -(T) - -[Illustration: A straw shows which way the gin flows. (H)] - - To be a Cynic, get a pair - Of cross-eyed goggles blue, - And you will see folks everywhere - As other folks see you. (H) - -No one knows the worth of woman's love till he sues for alienation. (H) - -Who whirls an auto reaps an autopsy. (H) - -To the food inspector all things are pure. (M) - -A Pool--and your money is soon parted. (H) - -Ignorance of the Law excuses no man--from practising it. (T) - -Stock exchange is all robbery. (H) - -If some people got their Rights they would complain of being deprived -of their wrongs. (H) - -Too many "Cooks" spoil the tour. (M) - -An ounce of detention is worth a pound of too sure. (T) - -A Medium: One who puts a spook in your wheels. (H) - -Pay the Piper--but jew down his bill. (T) - -Exclusiveness is Nature's quarantine for snobs. The polecat is the most -exclusive of animals--the garlic of vegetables. (H) - -When Art is long the artist is short. (H) - -Men may come and men may go, but women prink forever. (H) - -A man is known by the silence he keeps. (H) - -[Illustration: FINIS] - - - - -[Illustration: The Fat is on the Friar.] - - - - -BOOK FIVE - - -Be hailed truthful that your lies may count. (M) - -Never drink from your finger-bowl--it contains only water. (T) - -Have patients. (T) The Doctor's Motto. - -Don't talk about yourself--it will be done when you leave. (T) - -"Honest as the day is long"--don't strike for shorter hours. (M) - -Don't leave your spoon in your cup--work it up your sleeve. (M) - -Don't borrow trouble--it is cheerfully given. (T) - -Never strike a woman--tell her she can't reason. (T) - -Poets are born, not paid. (T) - -Nothing too small for personal attention--remember the flea. (T) - -Even the tallest family tree has its roots in the soil. (H) - -Pro-moter--one who wants to sell you his. (T) - -It's a long love that has no turning. (M) - -Out of sight--in for absent treatment. (M) - -Never call a man a fool--borrow from him. (T) - -The pen is fightier than the sword. (H) - -[Illustration: Beauty and the Brut. (T)] - -Let your light so shine before men that they may dodge your motor car. -(T) - -Weighed and found banting. (H) - -Where is the dough of yesteryear? (M) General Cry. - -Close to nature--the bathing-suit. (T) - -Don't make sweeping assertions--_do_ the housework. (T) - -Lots of people have matrimonial troubles and don't know it. (H) - -A penitentiary for your faults. (M) - - I hold it truth with them that sing - With one long carp in cynic tones, - That men will rise on stepping-stones - Of their best selves for anything. (T) - -Cultivate a pleasing address. Some people judge by location. (T) - -Does a virtue cease to be a virtue when embraced by a woman? (H) - -Welcome the coming; bleed the parting guest. (M) The Landlord's -Motto. - -"Ladies First"--or you may get backbitten. (T) - -Some people will only thaw out at the Social Register. (T) - -Never speak sharply--give your poison-candied opinion. (T) - -Never put your feet on the table--some people eat pigs' feet. (T) - -Not one-half knows how his better half lives. (T) - -Too good to be new. (H) - -Much silver goeth by the till the cash-register knoweth not of. (M) - -Too many crooks spoil the legislature. (T) - -The rift in the loot--the reform committee. (T) - -[Illustration: What are the Wild Waves saying, Sister?] - -"Salt Horse" is soon curried. (H) - -"Give no quarter" and the dollars will take care of themselves. (T) - -If a penny is wise, who says a pound is foolish? (M) - -The field of literature is sown with laurel and wild oats. (H) - -The family "Grace"--thank God they couldn't come! (H) - -[Illustration: END.] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Complete Cynic, by -Oliver Herford and Ethel Watts Mumford and Addison Mizner - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMPLETE CYNIC *** - -***** This file should be named 44989.txt or 44989.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/9/8/44989/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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