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diff --git a/44976-0.txt b/44976-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4e26e2c --- /dev/null +++ b/44976-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1477 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44976 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 109. + +SEPTEMBER 7, 1895. + + + + +THAT POOR PENNY DREADFUL! + +["Is the 'Penny Dreadful' and its influence so very dreadful, I +wonder?"--JAMES PAYN.] + + Alas! for the poor "Penny Dreadful"! + They say if a boy gets his head-full + Of terrors and crimes, + _He_ turns pirate--sometimes; + Or of horrors, at least, goes to bed full. + + Now _is_ this according to Cocker? + Of Beaks one would not be a mocker, + But _do_ many lads + Turn thieves or foot-pads, + Through reading the cheap weekly Shocker? + + Such literature is _not_ healthy; + But _does_ it make urchins turn stealthy + Depleters of tills, + Destroyers of wills, + Or robbers of relatives wealthy? + + I have gloated o'er many a duel, + I've heard of DON PEDRO the Cruel: + Heart pulsing at high rate, + I've read how my Pirate + Gave innocent parties their gruel. + + Yet I have ne'er felt a yearning + For stabbing, or robbing, or burning. + No highwayman clever + And handsome, has ever + Induced _me_ to take the wrong turning! + + A lad who's a natural "villing," + When reading of robbing and killing + _May_ feel wish to do so; + But SHEPPARD--like CRUSOE-- + To your average boy's only "thrilling." + + Ah! thousands on Shockers have fed full, + And yet _not_ of crimes got a head-full. + Let us put down the vile, + Yet endeavour the while, + To be _just_ to the poor "Penny Dreadful"! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EVIDENT. + +_George._ "EH--HE'S A BIG 'UN; AIN'T HE, JACK?" + +_Minister_ (_overhearing_). "YES, MY LAD; BUT IT'S NOT WITH EATING AND +DRINKING!" + +_Jack._ "I'LL LAY IT'S NOT ALL WI' FASTIN' AN' PRAYIN'!"] + + * * * * * + +FOR WHEEL OR WOE. + +The Rural District Council at Chester resolved recently to station +men on the main roads leading into the city to count the number +of cyclists, with a view to estimating what revenue would accrue +from a cycle tax. Extremely high and public-spirited of the Chester +authorities to take the matter up. These dwellers by the Dee ought to +adopt as their motto, "The wheel has come full cycle." + + * * * * * + +"WHO IS SYLVIA?"--An opera, from the pen of Dr. JOSEPH PARRY, the +famous Welsh composer, entitled _Sylvia_, has been successfully +produced at the Cardiff Theatre Royal. The _libretto_ is by Mr. +FLETCHER and Mr. MENDELSSOHN PARRY, the _maestro's_ son, so that the +entire production is quite _parry-mutuel_. + + * * * * * + +THE RAILWAY RACE. + +[Illustration] + +A new British sport has arisen, or rather has, after a seven years' +interval, been revived within the last week or so, and the British +sporting reporter, so well-known for his ready supply of vivid and +picturesque metaphor, has, as usual, risen to the occasion. That large +and growing class of sedentary "sportsmen," whose athletic proclivities +are confined to the perusal of betting news, have now a fresh item +of interest to discuss in the performances of favourite and rival +locomotives. More power has been added to the elbows of the charming +and vociferous youths, who push their way through the London streets +with the too familiar cry of "Win-nerr!" (which, by the way, has quite +superseded that of "Evening Piper!"). And the laborious persons who +assiduously compile "records" have enough work to do to keep pace with +their daily growing collection. Even the mere "Man in the Street" knows +the amount of rise in the Shap Fell and Potter's Bar gradients, though +possibly, if you cross-question him, he could not tell you where they +are. However, the great daily and evening papers are fully alive to the +occasion, and the various sporting "Majors" and "Prophets" are well to +the fore with such "pars" as the following:-- + +Flying Buster, that smart and rakish yearling from the Crewe stud, was +out at exercise last evening with a light load of eighty tons, and did +some very satisfactory trials. + + * * * * * + +Invicta, the remarkably speedy East Coast seven-year-old, made a very +good show in her run from Grantham to York yesterday. She covered the +80-1/2 miles in 78 minutes with Driver TOMKINS up, and a weight of some +120 tons, without turning a hair. She looked extremely well-trained, +and I compliment her owners on her appearance. + + * * * * * + +Really something ought to be done with certain of the Southern +starters. I will name no names, but I noticed one the other day whose +pace was more like thirty hours a mile than thirty miles an hour. I +have heard of donkey-engines, and this one would certainly win a donkey +race. + + * * * * * + +These long-distance races are, no doubt, excellent tests for the +strength and stamina of our leading cross-country "flyers," but I +must enter a protest against the abnormally early hours at which the +chief events are now being pulled off. A sporting reporter undergoes +many hardships for the good of the public, but not the least is the +disagreable duty of being in at the finish at Aberdeen, say at 4.55 +A.M. The famous midnight steeple-chase was nothing to it. + + * * * * * + +There was some very heavy booking last night at Euston, and Puffing +Billy the Second was greatly fancied. He has much finer action and +bigger barrel than his famous sire, not to mention being several hands +higher. It is to be hoped that he will not turn out a roarer, like the +latter. + + * * * * * + +There are dark rumours abroad that the King's Cross favourite has been +got at. She was in the pink of condition two days ago; but when I saw +her pass at Peterborough to-day, she was decidedly touched in the wind. +The way she laboured along was positively distressing. Besides, she was +sweating and steaming all over. + + * * * * * + +I will wire my prophecies for to-day as soon as I know the results. + +THE SHUNTER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST." + +_Hackney_ (_to Shire Horse_). "LOOK HERE, FRIEND DOBBIN, I'LL BE SHOD +IF THEY WON'T DO AWAY WITH US ALTOGETHER SOME OF THESE DAYS!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PICKINGS FROM PICARDY. + +AFTER THE PROCESSION. A SOLO BY GRAND-PÈRE.] + + * * * * * + +CHARACTER OF THE HAPPY "COPPER." + +(_After Wordsworth's "Character of the Happy Warrior."_) + +[Sir JOHN BRIDGE, at Bow Street, bidding farewell to Detective-Sergeant +PARTRIDGE, retiring after thirty years' service, described the virtues +of the perfect policeman. He must be "absolutely without fear," "gentle +and mild in manner," and utterly free from "swagger," &c., &c.] + + Who is the happy "Copper"? Who is he + + Whom every Man in Blue should wish to be? + + --It is the placid spirit, who, when brought + + Near drunken men, and females who have fought, + + Surveys them with a glance of sober thought; + + Whose calm endeavours check the nascent fight, + + And "clears the road" from watchers fierce and tight. + + Who, doomed to tramp the slums in cold or rain, + + Or put tremendous traffic in right train, + + _Does_ it, with plucky heart and a cool brain; + + In face of danger shows a placid power, + + Which is our human nature's highest dower; + + Controls crowds, roughs subdues, outwitteth thieves, + + Comforts lost kids, yet ne'er a tip receives + + For objects which he would not care to state. + + Cool-headed, cheery, and compassionate; + + Though skilful with his fists, of patience sure + , + And menaced much, still able to endure. + + --'Tis he who is Law's vassal; who depends + + Upon that Law as freedom's best of friends; + + Whence, in the streets where men are tempted still + By fine superfluous pubs to swig and swill + + Drink that in quality is not the best, + + The Perfect Bobby brings cool reason's test + + To shocks and shindies, and street-blocking shows; + + Men argue, women wrangle,--Bobby _knows_! + + --Who, conscious of his power of command + + Stays with a nod, and checks with lifted hand, + + And bids this van advance, that cab retire, + + According to his judgment and desire; + + Who comprehends his trust, and to the same + + Keeps true with stolid singleness of aim; + + And therefore does not stoop nor lie in wait + + For beery guerdon, or for bribery's bait; + + Thieves he must follow; should a cab-horse fall, + + A lost child bellow, a mad woman squall, + + His powers shed peace upon the sudden strife, + + And crossed concerns of common civic life, + + A constant influence, a peculiar grace; + + But who, if he be called upon to face + + Some awful moment of more dangerous kind, + + Shot that may slay, explosion that may blind, + + Is cool as a cucumber; and attired + + In the plain blue earth's cook-maids have admired, + + Calm, through the heat of conflict, keeps the law, + + Fearless, unswaggering, and devoid of "jaw." + + Or if some unexpected call succeed + + To fire, flood, fight, he's equal to the need; + + --He who, though thus endowed with strength and sense, + + To still the storm and quiet turbulence, + + Is yet a soul whose master bias leans + + To home-like pleasures and to jovial scenes; + + And though in rows his valour prompt to prove, + + Cooks and cold mutton share his manly love:-- + + 'Tis, finally, the man, who, lifted high + + On a big horse at some festivity, + + Conspicuous object in the people's eye, + + Or tramping sole some slum's obscurity, + + Who, with a beat that's quiet, or "awful hot," + + Prosperous or want-pinched, to his taste or not, + + Plays, in the many games of life, that one + + In which the Beak's approval may be won; + + And which may earn him, when he quits command, + + Good, genial, Sir JOHN BRIDGE'S friendly shake o' the hand. + + Whom neither knife nor pistol can dismay, + + Nor thought of bribe or blackmail can betray: + + Who, not content that former worth stand fast, + Looks forward, persevering, to the last, + + To be with PARTRIDGE, ex-detective, class'd: + + Who, whether praised by bigwigs of the earth, + + Or object of the Stage's vulgar mirth, + + Plods on his bluchered beat, cool, gentle, game, + + And leaves _somewhere_ a creditable name; + + Finds honour in his cloth and in his cause, + + And, when he dips into retirement, draws + + His country's gratitude, the Bow Street Beak's applause: + + This is the happy "Copper"; this is he + + Whom every Man in Blue should wish to be. + + * * * * * + +"TWENTY MINUTES ON THE CONTINENT." + +(_By Our Own Intrepid Explorer._) + +"I tell you what you want," said my friend SAXONHURST. "You find your +morning dumb-bells too much for you, and complain of weakness--you +ought to get a blow over to France." + +[Illustration] + +The gentleman who made the suggestion is a kind guardian of my health. +He is not a doctor, although I believe he did "walk the hospitals" in +his early youth, but knows exactly what to advise. As a rule, when I +meet him he proposes some far-a-field journey. "What!" he exclaims, +in a tone of commiseration; "got a bad cold! Why not trot over to +Cairo? The trip would do you worlds of good." I return: "No doubt it +would, but I havn't the time." At the mere suggestion of "everyone's +enemy," SAXONHURST roars with laughter. He is no slave to be bound by +time. He has mapped out any number of pleasant little excursions that +can be carried out satisfactorily during that period known to railway +companies (chiefly August and September) as "the week's end." He has +discovered that within four-and-twenty hours you can thoroughly "do" +France, and within twice that time make yourself absolutely conversant +with the greater part of Spain. So when he tells me that I want "a blow +over" to the other side of the Channel, I know that he is proposing no +lengthy proceedings. + +"About twenty minutes or so on the continent will soon set you to +rights," continues SAXONHURST, in a tone of conviction. "Just you +trust to the London, Chatham and Dover Railway and they will pull you +through. Keep your eye on the 9 A.M. Express from Victoria and you will +never regret it." + +Farther conversation proved to me that it was well within the resources +of modern civilization to breakfast comfortably in Belgravia, lunch +sumptuously at Calais, and be back in time for a cup of (literally) +five o'clock tea at South Kensington. Within eight hours one could +travel to the coast, cross the silver streak twice, call upon the +Gallic _douane_, test the _cuisine_ of the _buffet_ attached to the +Hôtel Terminus, and attend officially Mrs. ANYBODY'S "last Any-day." It +seemed to be a wonderful feat, and yet when I came to perform it, it +was as easy as possible. + +There is no deception at 9 A.M. every morning at the Victoria Station. +A sign-post points out the Dover Boat Express, and tells you at the +same time whether you are to have the French-flagged services of the +_Invicta_ and the _Victoria_, or sail under the red ensign of the +_Calais-Douvres_. Personally, I prefer the latter, as I fancy it is +the fastest of the speedy trio. Near to the board of information is a +document heavy with fate. In it you can learn whether the sea is to +be "smooth," "light," "moderate," or "rather rough." If you find that +your destiny is one of the two last mentioned, make up your mind for +breezy weather, with its probable consequences. Of course, if you can +face the steward with cheerful unconcern in a hurricane, you will have +nothing to fear. But if you find it necessary to take chloral before +embarking (say) on the Serpentine in a dead calm, then beware of the +trail of the tempest, and the course of the coming storm. If a man who +is obliged to go on insists that "it will be all right," take care, and +beware. "Trust him not," as the late LONGFELLOW poetically suggested, +as it is quite within the bounds of possibility that he may be "fooling +thee." But if the meteorological report points to "set fair," then +away with all idle apprehensions, and hie for the first-class smoking +compartment, that stops not until it gets to Dover pier, for the pause +at Herne Hill scarcely counts for anything. + +As you travel gaily along through the suburbs of Surrey and the hops of +Kent, you have just time to glance from your comfortable cushioned seat +at "beautiful Battersea," "salubrious Shortlands," "cheerful Chatham," +"smiling Sittingbourne," "favoured (junction for Dover and Ramsgate) +Faversham," and last, but not least, "cathedral-cherishing Canterbury." +You hurry through the quaint old streets of "the Key to Brompton" (I +believe that is the poetical _plus_ strategical designation of the +most warlike of our cinque ports), and in two twos you are on board +the _Calais-Douvres_, bound for the _buffet_ of _buffets_, the pride +of the caterer's craft, or rather (to avoid possible misapprehension) +his honourable calling. The Channel is charming. This marvellous twenty +miles of water is as wayward as a woman. At one time it will compel +the crews of the steamers to appear in complete suits of oil-skin; at +another it is as smooth as a billiard-table, and twice as smiling. The +report at Victoria has not been misleading. We are to have a pleasant, +and consequently prosperous passage. + +On board I find a goodly company of lunchers. Mr. Recorder BUNNY, +Q.C., sedate and silent--once the terror of thieves of all classes, +and ruffians of every degree, now partly in retreat. Then there is the +MACSTORM, C.B., warrior and novelist. Foreign affairs are represented +by MM. BONHOMMIE and DE CZARVILLE, excellent fellows both, and capable +correspondents in London. Then there are a host of celebrities. DICKY +HOGARTH, the caricaturist; SAMUEL STEELE SHERIDAN, the dramatist; and +SHAKSPEARE JOHNSON COCKAIGNE, the man of literary all-work. + +"It is very fine this to me when therefore I come out why," observes an +Italian explorer, who has the reputation of speaking five-and-twenty +languages fluently, and is particularly proud of his English. + +"Certainly," I answer promptly, because my friend is a little +irritable, and still believes in the possibilities of the _duello_. + +"Therefore maybe you find myself when I am not placed which was +consequently forwards." And with this the amiable explorer from the +sunny south, no doubt believing that he has been imparting information +of the most valuable character, relapses into a smiling silence. + +In the course of the voyage I find that, if I pleased, I could wait +until a quarter to four, and then return to my native shores. This +would give me more than three hours in Calais. But what should I do +with them? + +"You might go to the Old Church," says Mr. Recorder BUNNY, Q.C., "which +was an English place of worship in the time of Queen MARY. Some of the +chapels are still dedicated to English Saints, and there are various +other memorials of the British occupation." + +"Or you can go to the _plage_," puts in the MACSTORM. "Great fun in +fine weather. Whole families pic-nic on the sands. They feed under +tents or in chalets. In the water all day long, except at meal-times. +At night they retire, I think, to a little collection of timber-built +villas, planted in a neatly-kept square. The whole thing rather +suggestive of ALEXANDER SELKIRK _plus_ an unlimited supply of a +quarter-inch deal flooring, canvas, and cardboard." + +[Illustration] + +In spite, however, of the unrivalled attractions of Calais, I determine +to go no further than the _buffet_. Acting under the instructions of +Mr. Recorder BUNNY, Q.C., who seems to know the ropes thoroughly well, +I allow the "goers on" (passengers bound for Paris and the Continent +generally) to satisfy their cravings for food, and then give my orders. +A waiter, who has all the activity of his class, representing, let us +say, the best traditions of the Champs Elysée, takes me in hand. We +make out a _menu_ on the spot--Melon, _tête de veau à la vinaigrette_, +_caneton aux petits pois_, and a cheese omelette. Then half a bottle +of red wine, a demi-syphon, and a _café_ and _chasse_. All good. Then +the _garçon_ skips away, placing knives and forks at this table, a +dish of fruit at that, and a basket of bread at the one yonder. These +athletic exercises (that are sufficiently encouraging to promise +the performer--if he wishes it--a prosperous career on the lofty +_trapèze_), are undertaken in the interests of the expected voyagers +Albion bound. Before the arrival of the Paris train I have eaten my +lunch, settled my bill (moderate), and taken my deck chair on the good +steamer that is to carry me back to my native land. + +Ah! never shall I forget the dear old shores of England as I watch +them after _déjeuner à la fourchette_ through the perfumed haze of an +unusually good cigar. "Low capped and turf crowned, they are not a +patch upon the wild magnificence of the fierce Australian coast line, +but in my eyes they are beautiful beyond compare." I remember that +at one time or another I have heard "the finest music in the world, +but at that moment there comes stealing into my ears a melody worth +all that music put together, the chime of English village bells." I +recollect that I have heard these beautiful expressions used in the +Garrick Theatre on the occasion of the revival of a certain little +one-act piece. Mr. ARTHUR BOUCHIER was then eloquent (on behalf of +the author) in praise of Dover, and I now agree with him. What can +be more beautiful than the white cliffs of Albion and the sound of +English village bells--after a capital lunch at Calais, and during the +enjoyment of an unusually good cigar? + +The trusty ship gets to England at 2.30, the equally trusty train +arrives at Victoria a couple of hours later. I am in capital time for +Mrs. ANYBODY'S "last Any-day." + +"How well you are looking," observes my kind hostess, pouring out a cup +of tea. + +"And I am feeling well," I return; "and all this good health I owe to +twenty minutes on the continent." + +And these last words sound so like the tag to a piece that they shall +serve (by the kind permission of the British public) as the title and +the end to an article. + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--My pater reads the Bristol newspapers, but I don't, +because there's never any pirates or red Indians in them, but happening +to look in one the other day I noticed an awfully good thing. It said +that at a place called Stapleton all the parents were very indignant at +the way in which the schoolmistress had been treated by the manigers, +and to show their symperthy they decided to keep their children from +school. The school was nearly empty in consequents. Now I don't think +my schoolmaster has half enough sympathy shown him. He does know how +to cane, certainly, but he isn't really such a beast as fellows make +out--at least not just the day or so before the holidays begin--and +would you mind telling parents that they ought to keep their boys at +home for a week or a fortnight after next term begins, to show how much +they symperthise with him? Poor chap, he has lots of trouble--I know he +has, because I give him some. + +Yours respekfully, BLOGGS JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +BAWBEES THANKFULLY RECEIVED.--A National Scottish Memorial to BURNS +is in the Ayr. "Surely," writes a perfervid one, "BURNS did as much +for our country and the world as SCOTT, yet how very different the +monuments of the two in Edinburgh and Glasgow! I am sure no Scotchman +would grudge his mite, however poor, for such a purpose." Quite so. But +it would take a good many "Cotter's Saturday mites" to build anything +like the Scott Memorial in Princes Street. And what is this that the +Rev. Dr. BURRELL, of New York, said in presenting a new panel for the +Ayr statue of BURNS from American lovers of the poet? "The stream of +pilgrims," he observed, "from America to the banks of the Doon was +twice as large as that which found its way to the banks of the Avon." +Then why should not the stream of dollars follow, and erect a colossal +"Burns Enlightening the Nations" somewhere down the Clyde--say, at the +Heads of Ayr? _Hamlet_ beaten by _Tam O'Shanter_, and Avon taking a +back seat to Doon! Flodden is, indeed, avenged. + + * * * * * + +THE WEARING O' THE GREEN.--There was a discussion at the Cork +Corporation's meeting on a recommendation of the Works Committee, that +"a new uniform, of Irish manufacture, be ordered for the hall-porter." +What should be the colour, was the difficulty? "Some members," we +regret to read, "were in favour of blue"; and then the debate went on +thus-- + +Mr. BIBLE he thought they should stick to the green Mr. FARINGTON said +that green uniforms rot; Mr. LUCY denounced such a statement as mean, +And--"never change colour!"--advised Sir JOHN SCOTT. + +So the hall-porter will have a uniform of "green and gold"--the green +to be durable," and the gold to make it endurable! + + * * * * * + +CABBY? OR, REMINISCENCES OF THE RANK AND THE ROAD. + +(_By "Hansom Jack."_) + +No. II.--IN THE SHELTER. ME AND BILLY BOGER. + +[The first Cabman's Shelter or "Rest" in the Metropolis was set up at +the Stand in Acacia Road, St. John's Wood, on February 6, 1875.] + + There! After a two 'ours slow crawl through a fog, _with_ a cough, and + a fare as is sour and tight-fisted, + Why, even a larky one drops a bit low, and the tail of 'is temper gits + terrible twisted. + And that's where the Shelter comes 'andily in. + With a cup of 'ot corfee, a slice and a "sojer," + _And_ 'bacca to follow, life don't look so bad! + What do _you_ think? I says to my pal BILLY BOGER. + + Brown-crusted one, BILLY; 'ard baked from 'is birth. Drives a + "Growler" yer see, and behaves quite according. + Rum picter 'e makes with 'is 'at on 'is nose, and 'is back rounded up + like, against a damp hoarding. + Kinder kicks it at comfort, contrairy-wise, BILL do; won't take it on + nohow, the orkurd old Tartar. + The sort as won't 'ave parrydise as a gift if so be it pervents 'em + from playing the martyr! + + "That's 'Jackdaw' the Snapshotter all up and down!" says BILL with a + grunt. That's a nickname 'e's guv me + Along of my liking for looking at life. Well, the world is a floorer + all round; but Lord love me + Mere grumble's no good; doesn't mend things a mite; world rolls on and + larfs at us; don't seem a doubt of it; + Cuss it and cross it, and over _you_ go! Better far to stand by and + look on, till you're out of it. + + "Heye like a bloomin' old robin, _you_ 'ave," says BILL (meaning _me_), + "allus cocked at creation + As though you was recknin' it up for a bid like. And what is the end + of your fine 'observation'? + You squint, and you heft, and you size people up, sorter 'grading + 'em out' as Yank JONATHAN puts it. + And when you are through, what's the hodds? All my heye! You boss + till you're blind, and then death hups and shuts it!" + + Carn't 'it it, we carn't. But we're pals all the same, becos BILL is + more 'onest than some who're more 'arty. We kid, and we kibosh each + other like fun, but when H. J. wants backing old BILLY'S the party, + And when BILLY busts JACK is all there, you bet, although _I_ tool a + Forder and _'e_ a old Growler. + But pickles ain't in it for sourness with BILLY, nor yet fresh-laid + widders for doin' the 'owler. + + "Hansom up!"--"Ah!" says old BILLY. "_Per_cisely! It's jest 'Hansom + up, Growler _down_!' _I_ ain't in it + With sech a smart, dashing young Jehu as _you_, as can put on your + quarter o' mile to the minute! + Hivory fitments, and bevel-edged mirrors! A lady's boodwore in blue + cloth! Ain't it 'trotty'? + Wanity Fair upon wheels, JACK, _I_ call it. Wot price now I wonder for + me and OLD SPOTTY? + + [Illustration] + + "Women, too, getting that bloomin' _hadvanced_ they all paternise + you--_and_ a cigaratte. Drat 'em! + Few years agone they'd a fynted at thought on it. Women fair + knock-outs. Could never get at 'em! + Foller their leaders like sheep to a slorter-'ouse. Drive theirselves + next, I persoom, _on_ a Forder. + Party you took up outside 'ere larst night, 'er in feathers and paint, + was a pooty tall horder." + + "Known _'er_ six year, BILL," I says with a sigh like. "A sweeter young + snowdrop than when I first druv 'er + You couldn't 'a' button-holed. Ah! and she's pooty as paint--bar _the_ + paint--at this moment, Lord luv 'er! + Frolicsome, freehanded,--fast? Well, I s'pose so. She used to drive up + with a toffy young masher. + Turtle-doves? Well,'twas a pleasure to see 'em, BILL; 'er such a dainty + 'un, 'im such a dasher." + + "Innercent, hay? _Yes_, as rain-sprinkled laylock boughs. _'E_ broke + 'is neck in a steeplechase, BILLY, + _She_ took to sewing, and dropped smiles and 'ansoms. Wilted away like + a gas-shrivelled lily. + Then I lost sight on 'er, couple o' year or so. Next she turned up + as--well, BILLY you've seen 'er, + Pro. at the "Pompydour," generous, gassy, and--well, p'r'aps as _good_ + as a lot that look greener." + + "Bah!" snaps BILL BOGER, dissecting 'is bloater as though 'twos + 'umanity, and 'im a surgeon; + "Life as it's seen from the cab-driver's 'pulpit' would give some new + texts to a PARKER or SPURGEON. + _Culler-der-rose_, indeed! Yaller-der-janders! It's most on it + dubersome, dirty or dingy. + The free 'anded fares is best part on 'em quisby, and them as _is_ + righteous runs sour-like _and_ stingy." + + I says, "BILL, you're bilious!" 'E snorts supercilious, and bolts the + 'ard-roe. "Hah, young Daffydowndilly," + 'E growls as 'e munches, "of all the green bunches o' Spring inguns + _you_ are the greenest. It's silly, + Your slop-over sentiment is, _for_ a Cabby!!!"--Fare? "Finsbury Park, + and look slippy!" "All right, Sir!"-- + "We'll argue it out, BILLY BOGER, some other time." Right away + coachman! Kim up mare! Good night, Sir! + + * * * * * + + The words of that arch-humourist, the late ARTEMUS WARD, on the subject + of the New Woman, whom he designated "a he-lookin' female," are worth + repeating:--"'O, woman, woman,' I cried, my feelins worked up to a hi + poetick pitch, 'you air a angle when you behave yourself; but when you + take off your proper appairel and (mettyforically speaken) get into + pantyloons--when you desert your firesides, and with your heds full + of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin lyons, seekin whom you + may devour someboddy--in short, when you undertake to play the man, + you play the devil and air an emfatic noosence. My female friends,' I + continnered, as they were indignantly departin, 'wa well what A. WARD + has sed!'" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNLUCKY SPEECHES. + +"WOULDN'T YOU LIKE SOME MUSIC, PROFESSOR?" + +"NO, THANKS. I'M QUITE HAPPY AS I AM. TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I PREFER +THE WORST POSSIBLE CONVERSATION TO THE BEST MUSIC THERE IS!"] + + * * * * * + +LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI. + +A BALLAD OF BIRD SLAUGHTER. + +(_With Apologies to the Shade of Keats._) + +"The new style of women's head-gear--called mixed plumes--threatens to +add the extermination of Birds of Paradise to that of several species +of herons.... It is for this 'use' that whole heronries in Florida and +elsewhere have been utterly destroyed; it is for this that Birds of +Paradise are being persecuted even to extinction."--_Mrs. E. Phillips, +Vice-President of the Society for the Preservation of Birds._ + + I. + + Oh, what can ail thee, poet-man, + Alone and palely loitering? + "The wings are banished from the woods, + And no birds sing." + + II. + + Oh, what can ail thee, bird-lover, + So haggard and so woe-begone? + "The heronry no more is full, + And the cranes are flown." + + III. + + I see there's sorrow on thy brow, + At dawn's rose-flush, at eve's cool dew. + "Bird-song is gone from the garden rose, + And the field flowers too. + + IV. + + "I met a lady on the way, + Fell, beautiful, cold Fashion's child; + Her hair was golden, her plume was high, + And her eyes were wild. + + V. + + "She made a mixed plume for her head, + Of heron crest and aureole. + She looked at me as void of love, + And cold of soul. + + VI. + + "She slaughtered Birds of Paradise, + And little cared for all day long + Save silencing the whirr of wings, + And the trill of song. + + VII. + + "She found the task of relish sweet; + The warbling wildwood choir she slew. + Till the larks were mute, and the linnets dead, + And the robins few. + + VIII. + + "She took me to her milliner's + And showed with glee a sight full sore, + Her new mixed plume, with aureoles six, + And egrets four. + + IX. + + "'Twas there she lulled all love asleep, + And her heart grew hard--ah, woe betide!-- + As the granite-boulder that gleameth white + On the cold hill-side. + + X. + + "I saw dead songsters heaped to view. + From field, wood, mere, came one sad call: + They cried, '_La Belle Dame sans Merci_ + Will slay us all!' + + XI. + + "Beauty no more will flash a-wing, + Music no more full-throated flush. + Fashion will curse the fields of Spring + With the Winter's hush. + + XII. + + "I saw poor bird-beaks in that room + With fruitless warning gaping wide; + And the lady wore their stolen plumes + With a cruel pride. + + XIII. + + "'The Feathered Woman' was she hight; + But all reproof, compassion-born, + The modish _Belle Dame sans Merci_ + Doth laugh to scorn. + + XIV. + + "What plea for beauty or for song, + Or simple prudence, may she reck, + While Fashion rules she with mixed plumes + Her head must deck? + + XV. + + "The birds in myriads may die, + Till earth is all a songless hush; + But she upon her crest _must_ sport + A feathered-brush! + + XVI. + + "'Tis not sore need bids songsters bleed, + Not lack of vesture or of food; + 'Tis only Fashion's foolish freak + Strips wold and wood. + + XVII. + + "And that is why I wander here, + Alone and sadly loitering, + Whilst the sedge shakes not with glancing plume, + And no birds sing!" + + * * * * * + +BOURNEMOUTH'S chief magistrate, by decision and order of the +corporation of that town, has been deprived of a strip of land, +alleged to be public property, which he had enclosed within his own +private grounds. The sight of sixty workmen ruthlessly "removing his +summer-house and shrubs, and throwing tons of mould over the cliffs," +could not have been a very exhilarating one for the erstwhile owner, +who must have felt like Mayor-ius 'mid the ruins of Cart-hage. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE EMPTY CUPBOARD. + +OLD MOTHER HUBBARD SHE WENT TO THE CUPBOARD +TO GET HER POOR DOG A BONE, +WHEN SHE GOT THERE THE CUPBOARD WAS BARE, +AND SO THE POOR DOG HAD NONE. + +["Mr. CHAPLIN, speaking in the House of Commons on the 19th August, +said that it was not possible to prepare and produce measures for the +relief of Agriculture this Session."--_Daily Paper._]] + + * * * * * + +ROUNDABOUT READINGS. + +"Roundabout Ridings" would be the more correct title, for he who writes +these lines has yielded to the joint influences of the prevalent craze +and the glorious weather, and has been touring in North Devon on (and +off) a bicycle. I say "off" advisedly, for the hills in that delightful +country are so numerous, so long, and so steep, that out of every +hundred miles you accomplish you will find that you have walked at +least fifty while you painfully shoved your wheel before you. And when +you reach the laborious summit and pause panting, you are as likely as +not to gather your breath and strength under a notice informing you +that the descent beyond, down which you had hoped to spin with extended +legs, is dangerous to cyclists. + + * * * * * + +And thereupon, if the sun is shining in full strength, and you are +spent and parched, you may possibly decide that in order to make a +bicycle tour in North Devon a complete and splendid success, it is +essential that you should do it without a bicycle. But later on, when +you have reached the end of your journey, have had your bath, your rub +down and your brush up, and are waiting placidly for your dinner with +an appetite well set and a thirst calculated to drain a vat of cider, +then you will realise that even in the precipitous Devonshire country +bicycling is a real delight. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +Putting aside for the moment the question whether or not you ought +to take a bicycle, I hold that the following ingredients go to +make a successful bicycle tour. (1) A tall youngster from Oxford +possessing incalculable yards of totally irresponsible arms and legs, +a happy knack of conversational prattle, a shock of fair hair, and +imperturbable good humour. These details, though important, are not +essential. It is, however, absolutely essential that he should make all +plans for the day's ride, settle on the stopping places and hotels, +and carry maps and guide-books. You can then enjoy the satisfaction of +abusing him heartily whenever things go wrong. You will also find that +whenever you want the map he will either have left it in the pocket +of a coat which has been sent on by train, or stowed it away in the +darkest recess of the bottom of his kit-case. + + * * * * * + +The second ingredient is a private clown of quaint humour and original +ideas. This is the sort of man who finds interest and amusement in +everything, and provokes you to laughter by the most unexpected +sallies. Before you have had time to turn round he will be on terms of +easy familiarity with drivers of coaches, porters at hotels, ladies +who serve behind bars, and rustics whom he may meet on the road. In +five minutes he knows the details of all their personal history, +their length of service, the manner of their work, the size of their +families, their adventures, and their chief desires in life. They all +treat him with the highest consideration and go out of their way to +make things easy for him. At Lynton our own particular clown sent the +hotel band into convulsions by dancing a step dance while they were +solemnly playing a German march. The incongruity of the situation so +tickled the trombone that for at least two minutes he was utterly +unable to carry on the pumping operations entailed by his instrument. +His ruin was completed when he was asked to join our party with the +special object of inflating the back-tyres of our bicycles. Even the +conductor relaxed into a smile. + + * * * * * + +The third ingredient is a paymaster. If you can find a handsome, +well-built, agreeable and intellectual man for the position (as we +did) so much the better. You will thus add an air of character and +distinction to your tour. In that respect, I admit, we were fortunate +beyond the average. I need only add, as a slight reminder to my +companions, that they have not yet repaid to me the money I disbursed +for them. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +The fourth ingredient is one rainy day. It helps you to enjoy the fine +weather all the more, and it gives you an opportunity of investing +yourself in the pretty little gray waterproof cape which bicycle +outfitters provide for wet weather. From a ticket attached to the +collar of mine, I discovered that it was called an "electric poncho." I +can only say that it fully deserved the title. Wet weather, moreover, +adds a pleasing element of uncertainty to bicycling by making your back +wheel skid, so that you never know, from one moment to the other, what +you may be doing. If three of you are riding in a line, it is more than +probable that, in the twinkling of an eye, you will be piled three deep +on the side of the road. + + * * * * * + +You ought also to insure at least one hotel dance in the course of your +journey. All hotel dances are the same, and therefore one is quite +sufficient as a sample. Hotel dances are attended by eight ladies and +six men. One of the men is a boy. He has two sisters, who are also +present at the dance. He dances three times with one sister, and three +times with the other. His seventh dance he devotes to a lady no longer +in her first youth, who has captured his young affections, and after +the mad excitement of this episode he goes to bed. Another of the men +is always elderly, bald and stout. He displays the courtly gallantry +which is understood to be an attribute of the old school. He is a +rigorous stickler for the etiquette of the ballroom. He dances the +Lancers with a solemn precision and the waltz with a precise solemnity, +and that is the only distinction he makes between them. He is a great +hand at well-turned compliments of a ponderous nature, and it is a +liberal education to see him conducting his partner back to her seat. +A third man is an amusing rattle. He makes his partners giggle by his +total ignorance of the Lancers, and incurs the frowns of the bald man +by his dashing exploits in the waltz. The ladies all wear high dresses, +they have interchangeable _chaperons_, and make a noble pretence of +enjoying themselves. In the fifth dance the bald man falls down, and +long before twelve o'clock everything is over and peace reigns again in +the hotel. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +Clovelly is the proud possessor, not merely of the steepest High Street +in the world, but also of a "poet-artist" (so he describes himself), +who is also (I again quote his own description) a "professional +qualified photographer." Here is an extract from his enthusiastic poem +entitled "A Peep from the Hobby Drive, Clovelly." + + How charming is the old High Street, + Pitched with pebbles, rough--how steep; + There donkeys stand with coal and sand, + And women with their brush in hand. + + Out boldly stands the grand old pier, + To check the waves that may come near; + And fishermen upon it stand, + Yarning with their pipes in hand. + + Among such grandeur, artist, rest-- + To imitate it at thy best; + For should some beauty fall to ground, + Thy picture has it, safe and sound. + + * * * * * + +From the _Fishing Gazette_ I take the following story:-- + +Last spring, while a party of tourists were fishing up North, a +well-known lawyer lost his gold watch from the boat in which he was +sitting. Last week he made another visit to the lakes, and during +the first day's sport caught an 8lb. trout. His astonishment can be +imagined when he found the watch lodged in the throat of the trout. The +watch was running, and the time correct. It being a "stem winder," the +supposition is that, in masticating its food, the fish wound up the +watch daily. + +[Illustration] + +I happen to know that this story is incomplete, and I venture to +add some missing details. The fish--a particularly thoughtful +animal--finding that there was no chain to the watch, resolved to +supply this defect, and, by a well-known process in metallurgy, +converted some of its scales into a complete Albert, which it connected +with the watch. The watch used to lose two minutes a week. With +admirable patience the fish regulated it, and restored it to its owner +in perfectly accurate trim. When it was originally lost the watch +was a simple one. It has now become a repeater, with a special dial +indicating the days of the week, the month, and the year A.D. By a +trick, learnt from a fried whiting in early life this trout contrived +every day to insert its tail into its mouth, and, by using it as a +brush, to keep the watch clean, and free from rust. When the fish had +been boiled and eaten, the watch stopped, out of sympathy, and has not +gone since. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY. + +_Generous Dealer_ (_examining ring_). "HE ASKS TWENTY. HE THINKS HE'LL +GET EIGHTEEN. IT'S WORTH SIXTEEN. I'LL GIVE FOURTEEN. HE PAID TWELVE. +I'LL OFFER TEN!"] + + * * * * * + +A CRY FROM CHICAGO. + + Better fifty years of Europe + Than a cycle of Porkopolis! + Freedom's shackled with a new rope + In Mock-Modesty's metropolis. + Ladies--aye and men--in tights + To Chicago prudes proves shockers; + So they limit wheelman rights + By forbidding--knickerbockers! + Nay, the manly human calf + To these Aldermen's so shocking, + They prohibit--do not laugh!-- + All display of--the male--stocking!! + + We must don a costume baggy + From the throat unto the ankles; + Something stuffy, chokey, draggy! + Yah! In freemen's hearts it rankles + This restriction. Don't let's heed 'em! + If they bother thus our biking. + Ho! for Battersea and freedom! + Cyclists of Chicago, striking, + Like their sires for Independence, + 'Gainst the prigs our wheel-rights blocking, + Claim, in all their old resplendence, + Knicker free and liberal stocking! + + * * * * * + +MUSIC MINUS CHARMS. + +(_The Latest Developments of the Educational Department._) + +"Where are we going next?" asked the Taught of the Teacher. They had +just left the portals of the School Board. + +"To a place that should be inscribed with the words 'All hope abandon +who enter here,' and which is known as the Slums," was the sad reply. + +The Teacher and the Taught travelled on until they were lost in a maze +of workmen's buildings. + +"Not so very bad," commented the Taught. + +"Surely a man and his family might live peaceably enough in these +seemingly comfortable flats." + +"You do not know all," said the Teacher. "Much has been done for the +artisan, but the School Board have driven him to despair. Listen!" + +Then the two investigators heard sounds of shrieking and wailing. There +was a hubbub of dreadful groans and sighs. + +"These are not human," cried the Taught. + +"They are not," was the answer. "Have you ever heard the like?" + +"Never. And yet I should say that the tones came from violins--played, +no doubt, by imps." + +"No, it is not that." And then came the full explanation. + +"The dreadful discord to which we are listening is caused by the +practice of the scholars of the School Board. The energetic youngsters +are being taught at the expense of the ratepayers how to play the +'fiddle.'" + + * * * * * + +THE BRITISH BATHER. + +(_By a Dipper in Brittany._) + +[See the correspondence in the _Daily Graphic_] + + Mrs. GRUNDY rules the waves, + With Britons for her slaves-- + They're fearful to disport themselves, + Unless the sexes sort themselves + And take their bathing sadly, for French gaiety depraves! + + 'Tis time no more were seen + The out-of-date "machine"; + Away with that monstrosity + Of prudish ponderosity-- + Why can't we have the bathing tent or else the trim _cabine?_ + + I think we should advance + If we took a hint from France, + And mingled (quite decorously) + On beaches that before us lie All round our coasts--we do abroad + whene'er we get the chance! + + O'er here in St. Maló + The thing's quite _comme il faut_; + Why not in higher latitude? + I can't make out the attitude Of those who make the British dip + so "shocking," dull and slow! + + * * * * * + +LANCASHIRE riflemen who "pay their shot" at the average rate of £5 per +annum for "marking," are certainly entitled to every modern improvement +on their range at Altcar, and it is no wonder that there has been +some grumbling at the non-introduction of canvas-targets since their +invention years ago. However, this defect, we read in the _Liverpool +Daily Post's_ "Volunteer Notes," will shortly be removed, and the +desired innovation substituted, so that Bisley marksmen who, hitherto, +indulged in sneers at the deficiencies of Altcar, must now cease making +a butt of the northern range. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, August 26._--Doorkeepers and police puzzled +by notable gathering of strangers. Came in one by one. No one seemed +to know another; yet there was about them, according to Mr. HORSLEY'S +testimony, certain signs of brotherhood. None wore top hats; every +man's hair was longer than it is ordinarily worn; several carried +cloaks, mostly brown about the seams, cut, as far as Mr. HORSLEY can +remember, something after pattern of cloak worn by Lord TENNYSON when +he came to be sworn in as a peer of the realm, and was, on first +presenting himself, turned away by the policeman in the outer hall +under the impression that he was collecting empty bottles. + +Most of the strangers had orders for special gallery. Some had seats +under the gallery. Others (these, it turned out when the secret was +fully disclosed, were the sonneteers) found seats on the higher, but, +in the House of Commons, less distinguished, slopes of Parnassus, +allotted to undistinguished strangers who ballot for places. + +They were the candidates for the Poet Laureateship, or rather some of +them. Walking out after questions were over, SARK found a double row +of poets sitting on the stone benches right and left of the corridor, +waiting for a possible turn at the ballot--waiting with same dogged +patience, same unquenchable hope, with which they tarry for public +recognition. + +All due to JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. Turning aside for moment from +the vexed Bermothes of theology, and the suspicious conduct of Irish +Members of the Catholic faith, BALLYKILBEG permitted his gaze to fall +on the vacant chair of the Poet Laureate. Gave notice of intention to +ask PRINCE ARTHUR at to-day's sitting what he meant to do about it. +Hence this commotion in the drear woods and the hungry thickets that +clothe the foot of Parnassus. + +"Sorry for 'em," said BALLYKILBEG, looking up towards crowded +galleries. "They're a poor-looking lot. Don't believe there's a Master +of an Orange Lodge among 'em. Anyhow they're all out of it. My man is +WILFRID LAWSON. Don't mean to say he put me up to ask the question +with any ulterior personal views. But he knew what I was at, and he +knows my opinion of him. We don't agree in politics, and he's not sound +on the Pope of Rome. But for verse that fetches you, the poetry you +can understand without first tying wet cloth round your head, give me +WILFRID LAWSON. PRINCE ARTHUR refers me to THE MARKISS. I'll call and +see him, taking with me a choice selection of WILFRID'S verse, which +I'll read to him." + +[Illustration: FISHING MADE DIFFICULT. + +_A. J. B._ "What on earth is the use of getting a brand new rod, when +you're caught up on these bothering things every five minutes?"] + +_Business done._--Votes in Supply. + +_Tuesday._--Scotch votes on; the WEIRISOME WEIR stands where he did, at +corner seat of front bench below Gangway. This convenient situation for +fixing Corporal HANBURY with gleaming eye. Also the metal grating which +serves as flooring of House is useful as adding reverberating sound +to WEIRISOME'S voice when occasion makes it desirable it should issue +from his boots. If it were not for the matting laid over the grating, +effect would be much more tremendous. WEIRISOME makes the best of it. +Blood curdling to hear him just now denouncing some Procurator Fiscal +whose office is in Edinburgh, and his house in Ross-shire. Or is it the +other way about? The worst of WEIRISOME making our flesh creep by his +ventriloquial talents is, that we get a little mixed about his points. +However it was, the Procurator Fiscal had committed a heinous crime. +Only by exercise of supernatural forbearance that WEIRISOME refrained +from moving to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland by £2000. + +Effect of supernatural rumblings of his voice increased by ghastly +pauses in flow of conversation. HANBURY, as yet new to post of +Financial Secretary, will by-and-by get accustomed to its trials. +Meanwhile it is painful for Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, moored immediately +behind his old colleague, to observe his hair gradually standing up +whilst House is hushed in awesome silence what time WEIRISOME is +solemnly reaffixing his _pince-nez_ with intent to continue his remarks. + +Chairman more than once attempted to fill up pauses by reminding +WEIRISOME what was the precise bearing of vote before Committee. Once +sternly threatened to inforce rule which permits Chairman to order a +rambling speaker to shut up, and sit down. WEIRISOME apparently paid +no attention. A few minutes later, fancying he saw sign of movement in +the Chair, he stopped; with wide sweep of arm put on his _pince-nez_; +held manuscript up with apparent intention of consulting it; covertly +regarded JAMES W. over the top. Concluding he meant business, +WEIRISOME, without another word, solemnly, slowly--to the agonised +looker on the process seemed to occupy sixty seconds--dropped into his +seat. + +_Business done._--A good deal in Committee of Supply. + +_Friday, 2 A.M._--It is the unexpected that ever happens in House of +Commons. Wednesday is ordinarily humdrum day; SPEAKER takes Chair +at noon; all over before six. Accordingly, having met at noon on +Wednesday, House sat till two o'clock next morning, proceedings +culminating with scene in which DICK WEBSTER, of all men, was convicted +of disorderly conduct. + +"Really," said J. G. TALBOT, nervously rubbing his hands, "I don't know +what we shall see next. Probably the Chaplain, in full canonicals, +conducted to Clock Tower by Serjeant-at-Arms for having spoken +disrespectfully of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. The sooner this +Session is over, the better it will be for Church and State." + +By way of balancing eccentricity of uproarious Wednesday, the sitting +just drawing to close has been unrelievedly dull. Yet it was the +sitting solemnly set aside for Irish votes. Battle-royal expected, +with nothing left at its close but few fragments that had once been +GERALD BALFOUR, and here and there the limb of an Irish Member. +Nothing happened, not even a division. Only long succession of dreary +diatribes, with GERALD BALFOUR occasionally interposing with new +promise of benignant sway. + +"Very odd," said Truculent TIM, annoyed to find himself mollified. "The +voice of the new Chief Secretary is uncommonly like the voice of ARTHUR +BALFOUR. But the hands promise to rule after the fashion of the hands +of JOHN MORLEY." + +_Business done._--All the Irish votes passed. + +_Friday._--House sat to-day, pegging away again at Supply, so as to +prorogue next week. Navy Votes on; Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES attempts to boss +the show, making light of Lord High Admiral JOKIM, openly alluding +to Corporal HANBURY as a horse-marine, this too much for an ancient +friendship strained by altered circumstances. + +"TOMMY," said the Financial Secretary to the Treasury, turning round +upon his former ally, after he had been up for twentieth time dictating +marine tactics to the Sea Lords and policy to the First Lord; "did you +ever hear a story LUBBOCK tells about the Maori convert? As he had not +been seen for some weeks inquiry was made as to his welfare. 'Oh,' +explained the chief of his tribe, 'he gave us so much good advice that +at last we put him to death.' Think it over TOMMY. It's a nice story, +and there's a moral in it." + +_Business done._--Nearly all. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENTLE EXERCISE. + +_Mrs. Jones._ "COME ON, OLD SLOWCOACH! LET'S RACE UP THIS NEXT HILL, OR +WE'LL BE LATE FOR TEA!" + +[_Jones is beginning to doubt the wisdom of having sold his Pony +and Trap, and taken to Bicycles. He lives seven miles from a Town +where Mrs. J. takes him shopping four times a week with the greatest +regularity._ ] + + * * * * * + +A PIECE FULL OF POINT. + +Messrs. CLEMENT SCOTT and BRANDON THOMAS are to be congratulated on +the success of their adaptation of the _Maître d'Armes_, produced +at the Adelphi Theatre on Saturday last. The play, which appeared, +like the longest remembered dramas of the late DION BOUCICAULT, in +August--traditionally "the dead season of the stage"--seems destined +to be as popular as the best-liked of its predecessors. For once--but, +it is to be hoped, not "and away"--Mr. WILLIAM TERRISS has a chance +of showing his quality in a character worthier of his powers than the +customary hero of "walking gentleman" romance. Like Mr. HENRY NEVILLE +when he appeared as _Henry Dunbar_, after a long course of _Ticket +of Leave Man_, Mr. TERRISS makes the most of his opportunity. Miss +MILLWARD is excellent as the child of the fencer--a criticism which +applies equally "to every one concerned." Well written, well mounted, +and well played, there is no reason why _The Swordsman's Daughter_ +should not prove the truth of heredity and "run through"--the season. + + * * * * * + +"Full of wise saws" is "Amateur Angler," in the _Fishing Gazette_, +concerning the river Wye. He complains that "he tried for trout, but +caught chub," which, however, we are told "is a comely fish"--quite +chub-stantial, doubtless--and "gives as much sport, at times, as a +gentlemanly trout." "Lordly salmon" are also to be found. Evidently the +Wye is peopled by the upper crust of the piscatorial world, and this, +perhaps, explains the reason for "the river being netted and poached in +every conceivable way," or wye, as Cockneys say. + + * * * * * + +With sorrow we read, in the _South Wales Daily News_, the announcement +of the demise of "Billy," the celebrated goat, that for ten years +had been an honoured and favourite member of the First Battalion, +Welsh Regiment. This excellent animal, who died from the ravages of +rheumatism contracted on the march, seems to have belonged to the +"giddy" species of goat, for we learn that "he could hold his own +with the best in drinking stout, beer, wine, or spirits." With these +Anti-Local Veto propensities, it would not have been astonishing had +the bibulous "Billy," like a certain historical personage, met with his +end by drowning in a butt. + + * * * * * + +A DIALOGUE OF THE NIGHT. + +["The art of setting forth a scene, an incident, in the shape of +conversation natural, fluent, easy, and witty, is not so common an +accomplishment as the large supply produced on Mr. CRAUFURD'S demand +may seem to suggest."--_The "Daily News" on "Dialogues of the Day" +edited by Mr. Oswald Craufurd._] + +SCENE--_The Elysian Fields, at nightfall._ + +PRESENT--_The shades of_ Lord _and_ Lady SPARKISH, Lord _and_ Lady +SMART, Colonel ALWIT, Mr. NEVEROUT, Miss NOTABLE, _and some other +characters in_ Dean SWIFT'S "_Polite Conversation_." + +_Lady Smart_ (_laying down her book with a yawn_). Egad! Our posterity +cannot _talk_, they can only prattle. + +_Lord Sparkish._ Or rather _patter_. + +_Miss Notable._ Pray, my lord, what is "patter"? + +_Lord Sparkish._ All sauciness and slang, like the soliloquy of a Cheap +Jack. + +_Mr. Neverout._ Modish conversation, to-day, seems to borrow its +diction from the music-hall, and its repartee from the 'bus conductor. + +_Miss Notable._ Oh fie! Now our "Polite and Ingenious Conversation," as +the dear Dean of ST. PATRICK reported it, was vastly different. Did not +Mr. SWIFT declare that he defied all the clubs and coffee-houses in the +town to equal it in wit, humour, smartness or politeness? + +_Lady Sparkish._ Yes; yes, indeed! And he had scruples about +prostituting "this noble art to mean and vulgar people." + +_Mr. Neverout._ Egad, the penny daily paper and the sixpenny +illustrated weekly have altered all that. "Mean and vulgar people" now +write books and journals, as well as read 'em. + +_Miss Notable._ For my part I don't like dialogues, except upon the +stage. They are so mortally dull. + +_Lady Sparkish._ Nay, but my dear girl, the Dean says, you must +remember, "Dialogue is held the best method of inculcating any part of +knowledge; and I am confident that public schools will soon be founded +for teaching wit and politeness, after my scheme, to young people of +quality and fortune." + +_Mr. Neverout._ Perhaps the present rage for dialogues is the first +step in that direction. + +_Lady Answerall._ Pah! there _are_ no "young persons of quality" now! + +_Lord Sparkish._ Though plenty of young persons of fortune! + +_Mr. Neverout._ Quite a different thing, my Lord! In _our_ days +School Boards, Labour Members, and American Millionaires had not been +invented. CREECH had indeed translated HORACE into the vernacular, but +JOWETT had not Englished the Platonic Dialogues for the benefit of +Extension Lectures and hack journalists. + +_Colonel Alwit._ Faith, I could never stomach that inquisitive bore +SOCRATES and his dreary dialoguists. That gay, wicked, but debonair +dog, LUCIAN, was more to my mind. + +_Mr. Neverout._ Ah! who of our latter-day dialogue-mongers could equal +the smart and really _quite fin-de-siècle_ cynic of SAMOSATA? + +[Illustration] + +_Miss Notable._ Well, as TIBBALDS, said:-- + + "I am no schollard, but I am polite, + Therefore be sure I'm no Jacobite." + +So I've not read your LUCIANS and PLATOS and things. But I like _Gyp_, +and _Anthony Hope_. I vow he hath a true touch of "the quality," and he +vastly delights me. + +_Mr. Neverout._ Does he not go nigh to make you blush, now and anon? + +_Miss Notable._ Blush? Ay, blush like a blue dog. + +_Lady Smart._ Still I maintain the Town to-day cannot _talk_. + +_Mr. Neverout._ Any more than it can write letters. + +_Lady Sparkish._ There is nought _genteel_ in their gabble, nor truly +smart in their repartee. + +_Lord Sparkish._ And they cannot _badiner_ a bit. + +_Lady Smart._ Like that _dear Bellamour!_ + +_Miss Notable._ Or that _delightful Lovelace!_ + +_Lady Smart._ Modern dialogues are _dull!_ + +_Mr. Neverout._ If our dear Dean, now, could furnish them with a fresh +supply of those entertaining and improving "polite questions, answers, +repartees, replies, and rejoinders," such as he took thirty years in +collecting, there might be a chance for them. + +_Lord Sparkish._ Or if we could send them some really modish dialogues +from the shades! + +_Lady Sparkish._ Faith, suppose we send 'em _this!_ + +_Miss Notable._ Ah, do let's!!! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, September 7, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44976 *** |