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@@ -1,38 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, -September 7, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, September 7, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: February 22, 2014 [EBook #44976] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 109, SEPTEMBER 7, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44976 *** PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. @@ -208,7 +174,7 @@ IF THEY WON'T DO AWAY WITH US ALTOGETHER SOME OF THESE DAYS!"] [Illustration: PICKINGS FROM PICARDY. -AFTER THE PROCESSION. A SOLO BY GRAND-PERE.] +AFTER THE PROCESSION. A SOLO BY GRAND-PÈRE.] * * * * * @@ -416,7 +382,7 @@ sumptuously at Calais, and be back in time for a cup of (literally) five o'clock tea at South Kensington. Within eight hours one could travel to the coast, cross the silver streak twice, call upon the Gallic _douane_, test the _cuisine_ of the _buffet_ attached to the -Hotel Terminus, and attend officially Mrs. ANYBODY'S "last Any-day." It +Hôtel Terminus, and attend officially Mrs. ANYBODY'S "last Any-day." It seemed to be a wonderful feat, and yet when I came to perform it, it was as easy as possible. @@ -506,21 +472,21 @@ Mr. Recorder BUNNY, Q.C., who seems to know the ropes thoroughly well, I allow the "goers on" (passengers bound for Paris and the Continent generally) to satisfy their cravings for food, and then give my orders. A waiter, who has all the activity of his class, representing, let us -say, the best traditions of the Champs Elysee, takes me in hand. We -make out a _menu_ on the spot--Melon, _tete de veau a la vinaigrette_, +say, the best traditions of the Champs Elysée, takes me in hand. We +make out a _menu_ on the spot--Melon, _tête de veau à la vinaigrette_, _caneton aux petits pois_, and a cheese omelette. Then half a bottle -of red wine, a demi-syphon, and a _cafe_ and _chasse_. All good. Then -the _garcon_ skips away, placing knives and forks at this table, a +of red wine, a demi-syphon, and a _café_ and _chasse_. All good. Then +the _garçon_ skips away, placing knives and forks at this table, a dish of fruit at that, and a basket of bread at the one yonder. These athletic exercises (that are sufficiently encouraging to promise the performer--if he wishes it--a prosperous career on the lofty -_trapeze_), are undertaken in the interests of the expected voyagers +_trapèze_), are undertaken in the interests of the expected voyagers Albion bound. Before the arrival of the Paris train I have eaten my lunch, settled my bill (moderate), and taken my deck chair on the good steamer that is to carry me back to my native land. Ah! never shall I forget the dear old shores of England as I watch -them after _dejeuner a la fourchette_ through the perfumed haze of an +them after _déjeuner à la fourchette_ through the perfumed haze of an unusually good cigar. "Low capped and turf crowned, they are not a patch upon the wild magnificence of the fierce Australian coast line, but in my eyes they are beautiful beyond compare." I remember that @@ -1175,7 +1141,7 @@ THE BRITISH BATHER. On beaches that before us lie All round our coasts--we do abroad whene'er we get the chance! - O'er here in St. Malo + O'er here in St. Maló The thing's quite _comme il faut_; Why not in higher latitude? I can't make out the attitude Of those who make the British dip @@ -1183,7 +1149,7 @@ THE BRITISH BATHER. * * * * * -LANCASHIRE riflemen who "pay their shot" at the average rate of L5 per +LANCASHIRE riflemen who "pay their shot" at the average rate of £5 per annum for "marking," are certainly entitled to every modern improvement on their range at Altcar, and it is no wonder that there has been some grumbling at the non-introduction of canvas-targets since their @@ -1263,7 +1229,7 @@ other way about? The worst of WEIRISOME making our flesh creep by his ventriloquial talents is, that we get a little mixed about his points. However it was, the Procurator Fiscal had committed a heinous crime. Only by exercise of supernatural forbearance that WEIRISOME refrained -from moving to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland by L2000. +from moving to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland by £2000. Effect of supernatural rumblings of his voice increased by ghastly pauses in flow of conversation. HANBURY, as yet new to post of @@ -1350,7 +1316,7 @@ regularity._ ] A PIECE FULL OF POINT. Messrs. CLEMENT SCOTT and BRANDON THOMAS are to be congratulated on -the success of their adaptation of the _Maitre d'Armes_, produced +the success of their adaptation of the _Maître d'Armes_, produced at the Adelphi Theatre on Saturday last. The play, which appeared, like the longest remembered dramas of the late DION BOUCICAULT, in August--traditionally "the dead season of the stage"--seems destined @@ -1457,7 +1423,7 @@ SOCRATES and his dreary dialoguists. That gay, wicked, but debonair dog, LUCIAN, was more to my mind. _Mr. Neverout._ Ah! who of our latter-day dialogue-mongers could equal -the smart and really _quite fin-de-siecle_ cynic of SAMOSATA? +the smart and really _quite fin-de-siècle_ cynic of SAMOSATA? [Illustration] @@ -1508,365 +1474,4 @@ _Miss Notable._ Ah, do let's!!! End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, September 7, 1895, by Various -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 109, SEPTEMBER 7, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 44976.txt or 44976.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/9/7/44976/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, September 7, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: February 22, 2014 [EBook #44976] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 109, SEPTEMBER 7, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 109. - -SEPTEMBER 7, 1895. - - - - -THAT POOR PENNY DREADFUL! - -["Is the 'Penny Dreadful' and its influence so very dreadful, I -wonder?"--JAMES PAYN.] - - Alas! for the poor "Penny Dreadful"! - They say if a boy gets his head-full - Of terrors and crimes, - _He_ turns pirate--sometimes; - Or of horrors, at least, goes to bed full. - - Now _is_ this according to Cocker? - Of Beaks one would not be a mocker, - But _do_ many lads - Turn thieves or foot-pads, - Through reading the cheap weekly Shocker? - - Such literature is _not_ healthy; - But _does_ it make urchins turn stealthy - Depleters of tills, - Destroyers of wills, - Or robbers of relatives wealthy? - - I have gloated o'er many a duel, - I've heard of DON PEDRO the Cruel: - Heart pulsing at high rate, - I've read how my Pirate - Gave innocent parties their gruel. - - Yet I have ne'er felt a yearning - For stabbing, or robbing, or burning. - No highwayman clever - And handsome, has ever - Induced _me_ to take the wrong turning! - - A lad who's a natural "villing," - When reading of robbing and killing - _May_ feel wish to do so; - But SHEPPARD--like CRUSOE-- - To your average boy's only "thrilling." - - Ah! thousands on Shockers have fed full, - And yet _not_ of crimes got a head-full. - Let us put down the vile, - Yet endeavour the while, - To be _just_ to the poor "Penny Dreadful"! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: EVIDENT. - -_George._ "EH--HE'S A BIG 'UN; AIN'T HE, JACK?" - -_Minister_ (_overhearing_). "YES, MY LAD; BUT IT'S NOT WITH EATING AND -DRINKING!" - -_Jack._ "I'LL LAY IT'S NOT ALL WI' FASTIN' AN' PRAYIN'!"] - - * * * * * - -FOR WHEEL OR WOE. - -The Rural District Council at Chester resolved recently to station -men on the main roads leading into the city to count the number -of cyclists, with a view to estimating what revenue would accrue -from a cycle tax. Extremely high and public-spirited of the Chester -authorities to take the matter up. These dwellers by the Dee ought to -adopt as their motto, "The wheel has come full cycle." - - * * * * * - -"WHO IS SYLVIA?"--An opera, from the pen of Dr. JOSEPH PARRY, the -famous Welsh composer, entitled _Sylvia_, has been successfully -produced at the Cardiff Theatre Royal. The _libretto_ is by Mr. -FLETCHER and Mr. MENDELSSOHN PARRY, the _maestro's_ son, so that the -entire production is quite _parry-mutuel_. - - * * * * * - -THE RAILWAY RACE. - -[Illustration] - -A new British sport has arisen, or rather has, after a seven years' -interval, been revived within the last week or so, and the British -sporting reporter, so well-known for his ready supply of vivid and -picturesque metaphor, has, as usual, risen to the occasion. That large -and growing class of sedentary "sportsmen," whose athletic proclivities -are confined to the perusal of betting news, have now a fresh item -of interest to discuss in the performances of favourite and rival -locomotives. More power has been added to the elbows of the charming -and vociferous youths, who push their way through the London streets -with the too familiar cry of "Win-nerr!" (which, by the way, has quite -superseded that of "Evening Piper!"). And the laborious persons who -assiduously compile "records" have enough work to do to keep pace with -their daily growing collection. Even the mere "Man in the Street" knows -the amount of rise in the Shap Fell and Potter's Bar gradients, though -possibly, if you cross-question him, he could not tell you where they -are. However, the great daily and evening papers are fully alive to the -occasion, and the various sporting "Majors" and "Prophets" are well to -the fore with such "pars" as the following:-- - -Flying Buster, that smart and rakish yearling from the Crewe stud, was -out at exercise last evening with a light load of eighty tons, and did -some very satisfactory trials. - - * * * * * - -Invicta, the remarkably speedy East Coast seven-year-old, made a very -good show in her run from Grantham to York yesterday. She covered the -80-1/2 miles in 78 minutes with Driver TOMKINS up, and a weight of some -120 tons, without turning a hair. She looked extremely well-trained, -and I compliment her owners on her appearance. - - * * * * * - -Really something ought to be done with certain of the Southern -starters. I will name no names, but I noticed one the other day whose -pace was more like thirty hours a mile than thirty miles an hour. I -have heard of donkey-engines, and this one would certainly win a donkey -race. - - * * * * * - -These long-distance races are, no doubt, excellent tests for the -strength and stamina of our leading cross-country "flyers," but I -must enter a protest against the abnormally early hours at which the -chief events are now being pulled off. A sporting reporter undergoes -many hardships for the good of the public, but not the least is the -disagreable duty of being in at the finish at Aberdeen, say at 4.55 -A.M. The famous midnight steeple-chase was nothing to it. - - * * * * * - -There was some very heavy booking last night at Euston, and Puffing -Billy the Second was greatly fancied. He has much finer action and -bigger barrel than his famous sire, not to mention being several hands -higher. It is to be hoped that he will not turn out a roarer, like the -latter. - - * * * * * - -There are dark rumours abroad that the King's Cross favourite has been -got at. She was in the pink of condition two days ago; but when I saw -her pass at Peterborough to-day, she was decidedly touched in the wind. -The way she laboured along was positively distressing. Besides, she was -sweating and steaming all over. - - * * * * * - -I will wire my prophecies for to-day as soon as I know the results. - -THE SHUNTER. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST." - -_Hackney_ (_to Shire Horse_). "LOOK HERE, FRIEND DOBBIN, I'LL BE SHOD -IF THEY WON'T DO AWAY WITH US ALTOGETHER SOME OF THESE DAYS!"] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PICKINGS FROM PICARDY. - -AFTER THE PROCESSION. A SOLO BY GRAND-PÈRE.] - - * * * * * - -CHARACTER OF THE HAPPY "COPPER." - -(_After Wordsworth's "Character of the Happy Warrior."_) - -[Sir JOHN BRIDGE, at Bow Street, bidding farewell to Detective-Sergeant -PARTRIDGE, retiring after thirty years' service, described the virtues -of the perfect policeman. He must be "absolutely without fear," "gentle -and mild in manner," and utterly free from "swagger," &c., &c.] - - Who is the happy "Copper"? Who is he - - Whom every Man in Blue should wish to be? - - --It is the placid spirit, who, when brought - - Near drunken men, and females who have fought, - - Surveys them with a glance of sober thought; - - Whose calm endeavours check the nascent fight, - - And "clears the road" from watchers fierce and tight. - - Who, doomed to tramp the slums in cold or rain, - - Or put tremendous traffic in right train, - - _Does_ it, with plucky heart and a cool brain; - - In face of danger shows a placid power, - - Which is our human nature's highest dower; - - Controls crowds, roughs subdues, outwitteth thieves, - - Comforts lost kids, yet ne'er a tip receives - - For objects which he would not care to state. - - Cool-headed, cheery, and compassionate; - - Though skilful with his fists, of patience sure - , - And menaced much, still able to endure. - - --'Tis he who is Law's vassal; who depends - - Upon that Law as freedom's best of friends; - - Whence, in the streets where men are tempted still - By fine superfluous pubs to swig and swill - - Drink that in quality is not the best, - - The Perfect Bobby brings cool reason's test - - To shocks and shindies, and street-blocking shows; - - Men argue, women wrangle,--Bobby _knows_! - - --Who, conscious of his power of command - - Stays with a nod, and checks with lifted hand, - - And bids this van advance, that cab retire, - - According to his judgment and desire; - - Who comprehends his trust, and to the same - - Keeps true with stolid singleness of aim; - - And therefore does not stoop nor lie in wait - - For beery guerdon, or for bribery's bait; - - Thieves he must follow; should a cab-horse fall, - - A lost child bellow, a mad woman squall, - - His powers shed peace upon the sudden strife, - - And crossed concerns of common civic life, - - A constant influence, a peculiar grace; - - But who, if he be called upon to face - - Some awful moment of more dangerous kind, - - Shot that may slay, explosion that may blind, - - Is cool as a cucumber; and attired - - In the plain blue earth's cook-maids have admired, - - Calm, through the heat of conflict, keeps the law, - - Fearless, unswaggering, and devoid of "jaw." - - Or if some unexpected call succeed - - To fire, flood, fight, he's equal to the need; - - --He who, though thus endowed with strength and sense, - - To still the storm and quiet turbulence, - - Is yet a soul whose master bias leans - - To home-like pleasures and to jovial scenes; - - And though in rows his valour prompt to prove, - - Cooks and cold mutton share his manly love:-- - - 'Tis, finally, the man, who, lifted high - - On a big horse at some festivity, - - Conspicuous object in the people's eye, - - Or tramping sole some slum's obscurity, - - Who, with a beat that's quiet, or "awful hot," - - Prosperous or want-pinched, to his taste or not, - - Plays, in the many games of life, that one - - In which the Beak's approval may be won; - - And which may earn him, when he quits command, - - Good, genial, Sir JOHN BRIDGE'S friendly shake o' the hand. - - Whom neither knife nor pistol can dismay, - - Nor thought of bribe or blackmail can betray: - - Who, not content that former worth stand fast, - Looks forward, persevering, to the last, - - To be with PARTRIDGE, ex-detective, class'd: - - Who, whether praised by bigwigs of the earth, - - Or object of the Stage's vulgar mirth, - - Plods on his bluchered beat, cool, gentle, game, - - And leaves _somewhere_ a creditable name; - - Finds honour in his cloth and in his cause, - - And, when he dips into retirement, draws - - His country's gratitude, the Bow Street Beak's applause: - - This is the happy "Copper"; this is he - - Whom every Man in Blue should wish to be. - - * * * * * - -"TWENTY MINUTES ON THE CONTINENT." - -(_By Our Own Intrepid Explorer._) - -"I tell you what you want," said my friend SAXONHURST. "You find your -morning dumb-bells too much for you, and complain of weakness--you -ought to get a blow over to France." - -[Illustration] - -The gentleman who made the suggestion is a kind guardian of my health. -He is not a doctor, although I believe he did "walk the hospitals" in -his early youth, but knows exactly what to advise. As a rule, when I -meet him he proposes some far-a-field journey. "What!" he exclaims, -in a tone of commiseration; "got a bad cold! Why not trot over to -Cairo? The trip would do you worlds of good." I return: "No doubt it -would, but I havn't the time." At the mere suggestion of "everyone's -enemy," SAXONHURST roars with laughter. He is no slave to be bound by -time. He has mapped out any number of pleasant little excursions that -can be carried out satisfactorily during that period known to railway -companies (chiefly August and September) as "the week's end." He has -discovered that within four-and-twenty hours you can thoroughly "do" -France, and within twice that time make yourself absolutely conversant -with the greater part of Spain. So when he tells me that I want "a blow -over" to the other side of the Channel, I know that he is proposing no -lengthy proceedings. - -"About twenty minutes or so on the continent will soon set you to -rights," continues SAXONHURST, in a tone of conviction. "Just you -trust to the London, Chatham and Dover Railway and they will pull you -through. Keep your eye on the 9 A.M. Express from Victoria and you will -never regret it." - -Farther conversation proved to me that it was well within the resources -of modern civilization to breakfast comfortably in Belgravia, lunch -sumptuously at Calais, and be back in time for a cup of (literally) -five o'clock tea at South Kensington. Within eight hours one could -travel to the coast, cross the silver streak twice, call upon the -Gallic _douane_, test the _cuisine_ of the _buffet_ attached to the -Hôtel Terminus, and attend officially Mrs. ANYBODY'S "last Any-day." It -seemed to be a wonderful feat, and yet when I came to perform it, it -was as easy as possible. - -There is no deception at 9 A.M. every morning at the Victoria Station. -A sign-post points out the Dover Boat Express, and tells you at the -same time whether you are to have the French-flagged services of the -_Invicta_ and the _Victoria_, or sail under the red ensign of the -_Calais-Douvres_. Personally, I prefer the latter, as I fancy it is -the fastest of the speedy trio. Near to the board of information is a -document heavy with fate. In it you can learn whether the sea is to -be "smooth," "light," "moderate," or "rather rough." If you find that -your destiny is one of the two last mentioned, make up your mind for -breezy weather, with its probable consequences. Of course, if you can -face the steward with cheerful unconcern in a hurricane, you will have -nothing to fear. But if you find it necessary to take chloral before -embarking (say) on the Serpentine in a dead calm, then beware of the -trail of the tempest, and the course of the coming storm. If a man who -is obliged to go on insists that "it will be all right," take care, and -beware. "Trust him not," as the late LONGFELLOW poetically suggested, -as it is quite within the bounds of possibility that he may be "fooling -thee." But if the meteorological report points to "set fair," then -away with all idle apprehensions, and hie for the first-class smoking -compartment, that stops not until it gets to Dover pier, for the pause -at Herne Hill scarcely counts for anything. - -As you travel gaily along through the suburbs of Surrey and the hops of -Kent, you have just time to glance from your comfortable cushioned seat -at "beautiful Battersea," "salubrious Shortlands," "cheerful Chatham," -"smiling Sittingbourne," "favoured (junction for Dover and Ramsgate) -Faversham," and last, but not least, "cathedral-cherishing Canterbury." -You hurry through the quaint old streets of "the Key to Brompton" (I -believe that is the poetical _plus_ strategical designation of the -most warlike of our cinque ports), and in two twos you are on board -the _Calais-Douvres_, bound for the _buffet_ of _buffets_, the pride -of the caterer's craft, or rather (to avoid possible misapprehension) -his honourable calling. The Channel is charming. This marvellous twenty -miles of water is as wayward as a woman. At one time it will compel -the crews of the steamers to appear in complete suits of oil-skin; at -another it is as smooth as a billiard-table, and twice as smiling. The -report at Victoria has not been misleading. We are to have a pleasant, -and consequently prosperous passage. - -On board I find a goodly company of lunchers. Mr. Recorder BUNNY, -Q.C., sedate and silent--once the terror of thieves of all classes, -and ruffians of every degree, now partly in retreat. Then there is the -MACSTORM, C.B., warrior and novelist. Foreign affairs are represented -by MM. BONHOMMIE and DE CZARVILLE, excellent fellows both, and capable -correspondents in London. Then there are a host of celebrities. DICKY -HOGARTH, the caricaturist; SAMUEL STEELE SHERIDAN, the dramatist; and -SHAKSPEARE JOHNSON COCKAIGNE, the man of literary all-work. - -"It is very fine this to me when therefore I come out why," observes an -Italian explorer, who has the reputation of speaking five-and-twenty -languages fluently, and is particularly proud of his English. - -"Certainly," I answer promptly, because my friend is a little -irritable, and still believes in the possibilities of the _duello_. - -"Therefore maybe you find myself when I am not placed which was -consequently forwards." And with this the amiable explorer from the -sunny south, no doubt believing that he has been imparting information -of the most valuable character, relapses into a smiling silence. - -In the course of the voyage I find that, if I pleased, I could wait -until a quarter to four, and then return to my native shores. This -would give me more than three hours in Calais. But what should I do -with them? - -"You might go to the Old Church," says Mr. Recorder BUNNY, Q.C., "which -was an English place of worship in the time of Queen MARY. Some of the -chapels are still dedicated to English Saints, and there are various -other memorials of the British occupation." - -"Or you can go to the _plage_," puts in the MACSTORM. "Great fun in -fine weather. Whole families pic-nic on the sands. They feed under -tents or in chalets. In the water all day long, except at meal-times. -At night they retire, I think, to a little collection of timber-built -villas, planted in a neatly-kept square. The whole thing rather -suggestive of ALEXANDER SELKIRK _plus_ an unlimited supply of a -quarter-inch deal flooring, canvas, and cardboard." - -[Illustration] - -In spite, however, of the unrivalled attractions of Calais, I determine -to go no further than the _buffet_. Acting under the instructions of -Mr. Recorder BUNNY, Q.C., who seems to know the ropes thoroughly well, -I allow the "goers on" (passengers bound for Paris and the Continent -generally) to satisfy their cravings for food, and then give my orders. -A waiter, who has all the activity of his class, representing, let us -say, the best traditions of the Champs Elysée, takes me in hand. We -make out a _menu_ on the spot--Melon, _tête de veau à la vinaigrette_, -_caneton aux petits pois_, and a cheese omelette. Then half a bottle -of red wine, a demi-syphon, and a _café_ and _chasse_. All good. Then -the _garçon_ skips away, placing knives and forks at this table, a -dish of fruit at that, and a basket of bread at the one yonder. These -athletic exercises (that are sufficiently encouraging to promise -the performer--if he wishes it--a prosperous career on the lofty -_trapèze_), are undertaken in the interests of the expected voyagers -Albion bound. Before the arrival of the Paris train I have eaten my -lunch, settled my bill (moderate), and taken my deck chair on the good -steamer that is to carry me back to my native land. - -Ah! never shall I forget the dear old shores of England as I watch -them after _déjeuner à la fourchette_ through the perfumed haze of an -unusually good cigar. "Low capped and turf crowned, they are not a -patch upon the wild magnificence of the fierce Australian coast line, -but in my eyes they are beautiful beyond compare." I remember that -at one time or another I have heard "the finest music in the world, -but at that moment there comes stealing into my ears a melody worth -all that music put together, the chime of English village bells." I -recollect that I have heard these beautiful expressions used in the -Garrick Theatre on the occasion of the revival of a certain little -one-act piece. Mr. ARTHUR BOUCHIER was then eloquent (on behalf of -the author) in praise of Dover, and I now agree with him. What can -be more beautiful than the white cliffs of Albion and the sound of -English village bells--after a capital lunch at Calais, and during the -enjoyment of an unusually good cigar? - -The trusty ship gets to England at 2.30, the equally trusty train -arrives at Victoria a couple of hours later. I am in capital time for -Mrs. ANYBODY'S "last Any-day." - -"How well you are looking," observes my kind hostess, pouring out a cup -of tea. - -"And I am feeling well," I return; "and all this good health I owe to -twenty minutes on the continent." - -And these last words sound so like the tag to a piece that they shall -serve (by the kind permission of the British public) as the title and -the end to an article. - - * * * * * - -SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. - -DEAR MR. PUNCH,--My pater reads the Bristol newspapers, but I don't, -because there's never any pirates or red Indians in them, but happening -to look in one the other day I noticed an awfully good thing. It said -that at a place called Stapleton all the parents were very indignant at -the way in which the schoolmistress had been treated by the manigers, -and to show their symperthy they decided to keep their children from -school. The school was nearly empty in consequents. Now I don't think -my schoolmaster has half enough sympathy shown him. He does know how -to cane, certainly, but he isn't really such a beast as fellows make -out--at least not just the day or so before the holidays begin--and -would you mind telling parents that they ought to keep their boys at -home for a week or a fortnight after next term begins, to show how much -they symperthise with him? Poor chap, he has lots of trouble--I know he -has, because I give him some. - -Yours respekfully, BLOGGS JUNIOR. - - * * * * * - -BAWBEES THANKFULLY RECEIVED.--A National Scottish Memorial to BURNS -is in the Ayr. "Surely," writes a perfervid one, "BURNS did as much -for our country and the world as SCOTT, yet how very different the -monuments of the two in Edinburgh and Glasgow! I am sure no Scotchman -would grudge his mite, however poor, for such a purpose." Quite so. But -it would take a good many "Cotter's Saturday mites" to build anything -like the Scott Memorial in Princes Street. And what is this that the -Rev. Dr. BURRELL, of New York, said in presenting a new panel for the -Ayr statue of BURNS from American lovers of the poet? "The stream of -pilgrims," he observed, "from America to the banks of the Doon was -twice as large as that which found its way to the banks of the Avon." -Then why should not the stream of dollars follow, and erect a colossal -"Burns Enlightening the Nations" somewhere down the Clyde--say, at the -Heads of Ayr? _Hamlet_ beaten by _Tam O'Shanter_, and Avon taking a -back seat to Doon! Flodden is, indeed, avenged. - - * * * * * - -THE WEARING O' THE GREEN.--There was a discussion at the Cork -Corporation's meeting on a recommendation of the Works Committee, that -"a new uniform, of Irish manufacture, be ordered for the hall-porter." -What should be the colour, was the difficulty? "Some members," we -regret to read, "were in favour of blue"; and then the debate went on -thus-- - -Mr. BIBLE he thought they should stick to the green Mr. FARINGTON said -that green uniforms rot; Mr. LUCY denounced such a statement as mean, -And--"never change colour!"--advised Sir JOHN SCOTT. - -So the hall-porter will have a uniform of "green and gold"--the green -to be durable," and the gold to make it endurable! - - * * * * * - -CABBY? OR, REMINISCENCES OF THE RANK AND THE ROAD. - -(_By "Hansom Jack."_) - -No. II.--IN THE SHELTER. ME AND BILLY BOGER. - -[The first Cabman's Shelter or "Rest" in the Metropolis was set up at -the Stand in Acacia Road, St. John's Wood, on February 6, 1875.] - - There! After a two 'ours slow crawl through a fog, _with_ a cough, and - a fare as is sour and tight-fisted, - Why, even a larky one drops a bit low, and the tail of 'is temper gits - terrible twisted. - And that's where the Shelter comes 'andily in. - With a cup of 'ot corfee, a slice and a "sojer," - _And_ 'bacca to follow, life don't look so bad! - What do _you_ think? I says to my pal BILLY BOGER. - - Brown-crusted one, BILLY; 'ard baked from 'is birth. Drives a - "Growler" yer see, and behaves quite according. - Rum picter 'e makes with 'is 'at on 'is nose, and 'is back rounded up - like, against a damp hoarding. - Kinder kicks it at comfort, contrairy-wise, BILL do; won't take it on - nohow, the orkurd old Tartar. - The sort as won't 'ave parrydise as a gift if so be it pervents 'em - from playing the martyr! - - "That's 'Jackdaw' the Snapshotter all up and down!" says BILL with a - grunt. That's a nickname 'e's guv me - Along of my liking for looking at life. Well, the world is a floorer - all round; but Lord love me - Mere grumble's no good; doesn't mend things a mite; world rolls on and - larfs at us; don't seem a doubt of it; - Cuss it and cross it, and over _you_ go! Better far to stand by and - look on, till you're out of it. - - "Heye like a bloomin' old robin, _you_ 'ave," says BILL (meaning _me_), - "allus cocked at creation - As though you was recknin' it up for a bid like. And what is the end - of your fine 'observation'? - You squint, and you heft, and you size people up, sorter 'grading - 'em out' as Yank JONATHAN puts it. - And when you are through, what's the hodds? All my heye! You boss - till you're blind, and then death hups and shuts it!" - - Carn't 'it it, we carn't. But we're pals all the same, becos BILL is - more 'onest than some who're more 'arty. We kid, and we kibosh each - other like fun, but when H. J. wants backing old BILLY'S the party, - And when BILLY busts JACK is all there, you bet, although _I_ tool a - Forder and _'e_ a old Growler. - But pickles ain't in it for sourness with BILLY, nor yet fresh-laid - widders for doin' the 'owler. - - "Hansom up!"--"Ah!" says old BILLY. "_Per_cisely! It's jest 'Hansom - up, Growler _down_!' _I_ ain't in it - With sech a smart, dashing young Jehu as _you_, as can put on your - quarter o' mile to the minute! - Hivory fitments, and bevel-edged mirrors! A lady's boodwore in blue - cloth! Ain't it 'trotty'? - Wanity Fair upon wheels, JACK, _I_ call it. Wot price now I wonder for - me and OLD SPOTTY? - - [Illustration] - - "Women, too, getting that bloomin' _hadvanced_ they all paternise - you--_and_ a cigaratte. Drat 'em! - Few years agone they'd a fynted at thought on it. Women fair - knock-outs. Could never get at 'em! - Foller their leaders like sheep to a slorter-'ouse. Drive theirselves - next, I persoom, _on_ a Forder. - Party you took up outside 'ere larst night, 'er in feathers and paint, - was a pooty tall horder." - - "Known _'er_ six year, BILL," I says with a sigh like. "A sweeter young - snowdrop than when I first druv 'er - You couldn't 'a' button-holed. Ah! and she's pooty as paint--bar _the_ - paint--at this moment, Lord luv 'er! - Frolicsome, freehanded,--fast? Well, I s'pose so. She used to drive up - with a toffy young masher. - Turtle-doves? Well,'twas a pleasure to see 'em, BILL; 'er such a dainty - 'un, 'im such a dasher." - - "Innercent, hay? _Yes_, as rain-sprinkled laylock boughs. _'E_ broke - 'is neck in a steeplechase, BILLY, - _She_ took to sewing, and dropped smiles and 'ansoms. Wilted away like - a gas-shrivelled lily. - Then I lost sight on 'er, couple o' year or so. Next she turned up - as--well, BILLY you've seen 'er, - Pro. at the "Pompydour," generous, gassy, and--well, p'r'aps as _good_ - as a lot that look greener." - - "Bah!" snaps BILL BOGER, dissecting 'is bloater as though 'twos - 'umanity, and 'im a surgeon; - "Life as it's seen from the cab-driver's 'pulpit' would give some new - texts to a PARKER or SPURGEON. - _Culler-der-rose_, indeed! Yaller-der-janders! It's most on it - dubersome, dirty or dingy. - The free 'anded fares is best part on 'em quisby, and them as _is_ - righteous runs sour-like _and_ stingy." - - I says, "BILL, you're bilious!" 'E snorts supercilious, and bolts the - 'ard-roe. "Hah, young Daffydowndilly," - 'E growls as 'e munches, "of all the green bunches o' Spring inguns - _you_ are the greenest. It's silly, - Your slop-over sentiment is, _for_ a Cabby!!!"--Fare? "Finsbury Park, - and look slippy!" "All right, Sir!"-- - "We'll argue it out, BILLY BOGER, some other time." Right away - coachman! Kim up mare! Good night, Sir! - - * * * * * - - The words of that arch-humourist, the late ARTEMUS WARD, on the subject - of the New Woman, whom he designated "a he-lookin' female," are worth - repeating:--"'O, woman, woman,' I cried, my feelins worked up to a hi - poetick pitch, 'you air a angle when you behave yourself; but when you - take off your proper appairel and (mettyforically speaken) get into - pantyloons--when you desert your firesides, and with your heds full - of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin lyons, seekin whom you - may devour someboddy--in short, when you undertake to play the man, - you play the devil and air an emfatic noosence. My female friends,' I - continnered, as they were indignantly departin, 'wa well what A. WARD - has sed!'" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: UNLUCKY SPEECHES. - -"WOULDN'T YOU LIKE SOME MUSIC, PROFESSOR?" - -"NO, THANKS. I'M QUITE HAPPY AS I AM. TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I PREFER -THE WORST POSSIBLE CONVERSATION TO THE BEST MUSIC THERE IS!"] - - * * * * * - -LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI. - -A BALLAD OF BIRD SLAUGHTER. - -(_With Apologies to the Shade of Keats._) - -"The new style of women's head-gear--called mixed plumes--threatens to -add the extermination of Birds of Paradise to that of several species -of herons.... It is for this 'use' that whole heronries in Florida and -elsewhere have been utterly destroyed; it is for this that Birds of -Paradise are being persecuted even to extinction."--_Mrs. E. Phillips, -Vice-President of the Society for the Preservation of Birds._ - - I. - - Oh, what can ail thee, poet-man, - Alone and palely loitering? - "The wings are banished from the woods, - And no birds sing." - - II. - - Oh, what can ail thee, bird-lover, - So haggard and so woe-begone? - "The heronry no more is full, - And the cranes are flown." - - III. - - I see there's sorrow on thy brow, - At dawn's rose-flush, at eve's cool dew. - "Bird-song is gone from the garden rose, - And the field flowers too. - - IV. - - "I met a lady on the way, - Fell, beautiful, cold Fashion's child; - Her hair was golden, her plume was high, - And her eyes were wild. - - V. - - "She made a mixed plume for her head, - Of heron crest and aureole. - She looked at me as void of love, - And cold of soul. - - VI. - - "She slaughtered Birds of Paradise, - And little cared for all day long - Save silencing the whirr of wings, - And the trill of song. - - VII. - - "She found the task of relish sweet; - The warbling wildwood choir she slew. - Till the larks were mute, and the linnets dead, - And the robins few. - - VIII. - - "She took me to her milliner's - And showed with glee a sight full sore, - Her new mixed plume, with aureoles six, - And egrets four. - - IX. - - "'Twas there she lulled all love asleep, - And her heart grew hard--ah, woe betide!-- - As the granite-boulder that gleameth white - On the cold hill-side. - - X. - - "I saw dead songsters heaped to view. - From field, wood, mere, came one sad call: - They cried, '_La Belle Dame sans Merci_ - Will slay us all!' - - XI. - - "Beauty no more will flash a-wing, - Music no more full-throated flush. - Fashion will curse the fields of Spring - With the Winter's hush. - - XII. - - "I saw poor bird-beaks in that room - With fruitless warning gaping wide; - And the lady wore their stolen plumes - With a cruel pride. - - XIII. - - "'The Feathered Woman' was she hight; - But all reproof, compassion-born, - The modish _Belle Dame sans Merci_ - Doth laugh to scorn. - - XIV. - - "What plea for beauty or for song, - Or simple prudence, may she reck, - While Fashion rules she with mixed plumes - Her head must deck? - - XV. - - "The birds in myriads may die, - Till earth is all a songless hush; - But she upon her crest _must_ sport - A feathered-brush! - - XVI. - - "'Tis not sore need bids songsters bleed, - Not lack of vesture or of food; - 'Tis only Fashion's foolish freak - Strips wold and wood. - - XVII. - - "And that is why I wander here, - Alone and sadly loitering, - Whilst the sedge shakes not with glancing plume, - And no birds sing!" - - * * * * * - -BOURNEMOUTH'S chief magistrate, by decision and order of the -corporation of that town, has been deprived of a strip of land, -alleged to be public property, which he had enclosed within his own -private grounds. The sight of sixty workmen ruthlessly "removing his -summer-house and shrubs, and throwing tons of mould over the cliffs," -could not have been a very exhilarating one for the erstwhile owner, -who must have felt like Mayor-ius 'mid the ruins of Cart-hage. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - -THE EMPTY CUPBOARD. - -OLD MOTHER HUBBARD SHE WENT TO THE CUPBOARD -TO GET HER POOR DOG A BONE, -WHEN SHE GOT THERE THE CUPBOARD WAS BARE, -AND SO THE POOR DOG HAD NONE. - -["Mr. CHAPLIN, speaking in the House of Commons on the 19th August, -said that it was not possible to prepare and produce measures for the -relief of Agriculture this Session."--_Daily Paper._]] - - * * * * * - -ROUNDABOUT READINGS. - -"Roundabout Ridings" would be the more correct title, for he who writes -these lines has yielded to the joint influences of the prevalent craze -and the glorious weather, and has been touring in North Devon on (and -off) a bicycle. I say "off" advisedly, for the hills in that delightful -country are so numerous, so long, and so steep, that out of every -hundred miles you accomplish you will find that you have walked at -least fifty while you painfully shoved your wheel before you. And when -you reach the laborious summit and pause panting, you are as likely as -not to gather your breath and strength under a notice informing you -that the descent beyond, down which you had hoped to spin with extended -legs, is dangerous to cyclists. - - * * * * * - -And thereupon, if the sun is shining in full strength, and you are -spent and parched, you may possibly decide that in order to make a -bicycle tour in North Devon a complete and splendid success, it is -essential that you should do it without a bicycle. But later on, when -you have reached the end of your journey, have had your bath, your rub -down and your brush up, and are waiting placidly for your dinner with -an appetite well set and a thirst calculated to drain a vat of cider, -then you will realise that even in the precipitous Devonshire country -bicycling is a real delight. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -Putting aside for the moment the question whether or not you ought -to take a bicycle, I hold that the following ingredients go to -make a successful bicycle tour. (1) A tall youngster from Oxford -possessing incalculable yards of totally irresponsible arms and legs, -a happy knack of conversational prattle, a shock of fair hair, and -imperturbable good humour. These details, though important, are not -essential. It is, however, absolutely essential that he should make all -plans for the day's ride, settle on the stopping places and hotels, -and carry maps and guide-books. You can then enjoy the satisfaction of -abusing him heartily whenever things go wrong. You will also find that -whenever you want the map he will either have left it in the pocket -of a coat which has been sent on by train, or stowed it away in the -darkest recess of the bottom of his kit-case. - - * * * * * - -The second ingredient is a private clown of quaint humour and original -ideas. This is the sort of man who finds interest and amusement in -everything, and provokes you to laughter by the most unexpected -sallies. Before you have had time to turn round he will be on terms of -easy familiarity with drivers of coaches, porters at hotels, ladies -who serve behind bars, and rustics whom he may meet on the road. In -five minutes he knows the details of all their personal history, -their length of service, the manner of their work, the size of their -families, their adventures, and their chief desires in life. They all -treat him with the highest consideration and go out of their way to -make things easy for him. At Lynton our own particular clown sent the -hotel band into convulsions by dancing a step dance while they were -solemnly playing a German march. The incongruity of the situation so -tickled the trombone that for at least two minutes he was utterly -unable to carry on the pumping operations entailed by his instrument. -His ruin was completed when he was asked to join our party with the -special object of inflating the back-tyres of our bicycles. Even the -conductor relaxed into a smile. - - * * * * * - -The third ingredient is a paymaster. If you can find a handsome, -well-built, agreeable and intellectual man for the position (as we -did) so much the better. You will thus add an air of character and -distinction to your tour. In that respect, I admit, we were fortunate -beyond the average. I need only add, as a slight reminder to my -companions, that they have not yet repaid to me the money I disbursed -for them. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -The fourth ingredient is one rainy day. It helps you to enjoy the fine -weather all the more, and it gives you an opportunity of investing -yourself in the pretty little gray waterproof cape which bicycle -outfitters provide for wet weather. From a ticket attached to the -collar of mine, I discovered that it was called an "electric poncho." I -can only say that it fully deserved the title. Wet weather, moreover, -adds a pleasing element of uncertainty to bicycling by making your back -wheel skid, so that you never know, from one moment to the other, what -you may be doing. If three of you are riding in a line, it is more than -probable that, in the twinkling of an eye, you will be piled three deep -on the side of the road. - - * * * * * - -You ought also to insure at least one hotel dance in the course of your -journey. All hotel dances are the same, and therefore one is quite -sufficient as a sample. Hotel dances are attended by eight ladies and -six men. One of the men is a boy. He has two sisters, who are also -present at the dance. He dances three times with one sister, and three -times with the other. His seventh dance he devotes to a lady no longer -in her first youth, who has captured his young affections, and after -the mad excitement of this episode he goes to bed. Another of the men -is always elderly, bald and stout. He displays the courtly gallantry -which is understood to be an attribute of the old school. He is a -rigorous stickler for the etiquette of the ballroom. He dances the -Lancers with a solemn precision and the waltz with a precise solemnity, -and that is the only distinction he makes between them. He is a great -hand at well-turned compliments of a ponderous nature, and it is a -liberal education to see him conducting his partner back to her seat. -A third man is an amusing rattle. He makes his partners giggle by his -total ignorance of the Lancers, and incurs the frowns of the bald man -by his dashing exploits in the waltz. The ladies all wear high dresses, -they have interchangeable _chaperons_, and make a noble pretence of -enjoying themselves. In the fifth dance the bald man falls down, and -long before twelve o'clock everything is over and peace reigns again in -the hotel. - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -Clovelly is the proud possessor, not merely of the steepest High Street -in the world, but also of a "poet-artist" (so he describes himself), -who is also (I again quote his own description) a "professional -qualified photographer." Here is an extract from his enthusiastic poem -entitled "A Peep from the Hobby Drive, Clovelly." - - How charming is the old High Street, - Pitched with pebbles, rough--how steep; - There donkeys stand with coal and sand, - And women with their brush in hand. - - Out boldly stands the grand old pier, - To check the waves that may come near; - And fishermen upon it stand, - Yarning with their pipes in hand. - - Among such grandeur, artist, rest-- - To imitate it at thy best; - For should some beauty fall to ground, - Thy picture has it, safe and sound. - - * * * * * - -From the _Fishing Gazette_ I take the following story:-- - -Last spring, while a party of tourists were fishing up North, a -well-known lawyer lost his gold watch from the boat in which he was -sitting. Last week he made another visit to the lakes, and during -the first day's sport caught an 8lb. trout. His astonishment can be -imagined when he found the watch lodged in the throat of the trout. The -watch was running, and the time correct. It being a "stem winder," the -supposition is that, in masticating its food, the fish wound up the -watch daily. - -[Illustration] - -I happen to know that this story is incomplete, and I venture to -add some missing details. The fish--a particularly thoughtful -animal--finding that there was no chain to the watch, resolved to -supply this defect, and, by a well-known process in metallurgy, -converted some of its scales into a complete Albert, which it connected -with the watch. The watch used to lose two minutes a week. With -admirable patience the fish regulated it, and restored it to its owner -in perfectly accurate trim. When it was originally lost the watch -was a simple one. It has now become a repeater, with a special dial -indicating the days of the week, the month, and the year A.D. By a -trick, learnt from a fried whiting in early life this trout contrived -every day to insert its tail into its mouth, and, by using it as a -brush, to keep the watch clean, and free from rust. When the fish had -been boiled and eaten, the watch stopped, out of sympathy, and has not -gone since. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A SOLILOQUY. - -_Generous Dealer_ (_examining ring_). "HE ASKS TWENTY. HE THINKS HE'LL -GET EIGHTEEN. IT'S WORTH SIXTEEN. I'LL GIVE FOURTEEN. HE PAID TWELVE. -I'LL OFFER TEN!"] - - * * * * * - -A CRY FROM CHICAGO. - - Better fifty years of Europe - Than a cycle of Porkopolis! - Freedom's shackled with a new rope - In Mock-Modesty's metropolis. - Ladies--aye and men--in tights - To Chicago prudes proves shockers; - So they limit wheelman rights - By forbidding--knickerbockers! - Nay, the manly human calf - To these Aldermen's so shocking, - They prohibit--do not laugh!-- - All display of--the male--stocking!! - - We must don a costume baggy - From the throat unto the ankles; - Something stuffy, chokey, draggy! - Yah! In freemen's hearts it rankles - This restriction. Don't let's heed 'em! - If they bother thus our biking. - Ho! for Battersea and freedom! - Cyclists of Chicago, striking, - Like their sires for Independence, - 'Gainst the prigs our wheel-rights blocking, - Claim, in all their old resplendence, - Knicker free and liberal stocking! - - * * * * * - -MUSIC MINUS CHARMS. - -(_The Latest Developments of the Educational Department._) - -"Where are we going next?" asked the Taught of the Teacher. They had -just left the portals of the School Board. - -"To a place that should be inscribed with the words 'All hope abandon -who enter here,' and which is known as the Slums," was the sad reply. - -The Teacher and the Taught travelled on until they were lost in a maze -of workmen's buildings. - -"Not so very bad," commented the Taught. - -"Surely a man and his family might live peaceably enough in these -seemingly comfortable flats." - -"You do not know all," said the Teacher. "Much has been done for the -artisan, but the School Board have driven him to despair. Listen!" - -Then the two investigators heard sounds of shrieking and wailing. There -was a hubbub of dreadful groans and sighs. - -"These are not human," cried the Taught. - -"They are not," was the answer. "Have you ever heard the like?" - -"Never. And yet I should say that the tones came from violins--played, -no doubt, by imps." - -"No, it is not that." And then came the full explanation. - -"The dreadful discord to which we are listening is caused by the -practice of the scholars of the School Board. The energetic youngsters -are being taught at the expense of the ratepayers how to play the -'fiddle.'" - - * * * * * - -THE BRITISH BATHER. - -(_By a Dipper in Brittany._) - -[See the correspondence in the _Daily Graphic_] - - Mrs. GRUNDY rules the waves, - With Britons for her slaves-- - They're fearful to disport themselves, - Unless the sexes sort themselves - And take their bathing sadly, for French gaiety depraves! - - 'Tis time no more were seen - The out-of-date "machine"; - Away with that monstrosity - Of prudish ponderosity-- - Why can't we have the bathing tent or else the trim _cabine?_ - - I think we should advance - If we took a hint from France, - And mingled (quite decorously) - On beaches that before us lie All round our coasts--we do abroad - whene'er we get the chance! - - O'er here in St. Maló - The thing's quite _comme il faut_; - Why not in higher latitude? - I can't make out the attitude Of those who make the British dip - so "shocking," dull and slow! - - * * * * * - -LANCASHIRE riflemen who "pay their shot" at the average rate of £5 per -annum for "marking," are certainly entitled to every modern improvement -on their range at Altcar, and it is no wonder that there has been -some grumbling at the non-introduction of canvas-targets since their -invention years ago. However, this defect, we read in the _Liverpool -Daily Post's_ "Volunteer Notes," will shortly be removed, and the -desired innovation substituted, so that Bisley marksmen who, hitherto, -indulged in sneers at the deficiencies of Altcar, must now cease making -a butt of the northern range. - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, August 26._--Doorkeepers and police puzzled -by notable gathering of strangers. Came in one by one. No one seemed -to know another; yet there was about them, according to Mr. HORSLEY'S -testimony, certain signs of brotherhood. None wore top hats; every -man's hair was longer than it is ordinarily worn; several carried -cloaks, mostly brown about the seams, cut, as far as Mr. HORSLEY can -remember, something after pattern of cloak worn by Lord TENNYSON when -he came to be sworn in as a peer of the realm, and was, on first -presenting himself, turned away by the policeman in the outer hall -under the impression that he was collecting empty bottles. - -Most of the strangers had orders for special gallery. Some had seats -under the gallery. Others (these, it turned out when the secret was -fully disclosed, were the sonneteers) found seats on the higher, but, -in the House of Commons, less distinguished, slopes of Parnassus, -allotted to undistinguished strangers who ballot for places. - -They were the candidates for the Poet Laureateship, or rather some of -them. Walking out after questions were over, SARK found a double row -of poets sitting on the stone benches right and left of the corridor, -waiting for a possible turn at the ballot--waiting with same dogged -patience, same unquenchable hope, with which they tarry for public -recognition. - -All due to JOHNSTON of Ballykilbeg. Turning aside for moment from -the vexed Bermothes of theology, and the suspicious conduct of Irish -Members of the Catholic faith, BALLYKILBEG permitted his gaze to fall -on the vacant chair of the Poet Laureate. Gave notice of intention to -ask PRINCE ARTHUR at to-day's sitting what he meant to do about it. -Hence this commotion in the drear woods and the hungry thickets that -clothe the foot of Parnassus. - -"Sorry for 'em," said BALLYKILBEG, looking up towards crowded -galleries. "They're a poor-looking lot. Don't believe there's a Master -of an Orange Lodge among 'em. Anyhow they're all out of it. My man is -WILFRID LAWSON. Don't mean to say he put me up to ask the question -with any ulterior personal views. But he knew what I was at, and he -knows my opinion of him. We don't agree in politics, and he's not sound -on the Pope of Rome. But for verse that fetches you, the poetry you -can understand without first tying wet cloth round your head, give me -WILFRID LAWSON. PRINCE ARTHUR refers me to THE MARKISS. I'll call and -see him, taking with me a choice selection of WILFRID'S verse, which -I'll read to him." - -[Illustration: FISHING MADE DIFFICULT. - -_A. J. B._ "What on earth is the use of getting a brand new rod, when -you're caught up on these bothering things every five minutes?"] - -_Business done._--Votes in Supply. - -_Tuesday._--Scotch votes on; the WEIRISOME WEIR stands where he did, at -corner seat of front bench below Gangway. This convenient situation for -fixing Corporal HANBURY with gleaming eye. Also the metal grating which -serves as flooring of House is useful as adding reverberating sound -to WEIRISOME'S voice when occasion makes it desirable it should issue -from his boots. If it were not for the matting laid over the grating, -effect would be much more tremendous. WEIRISOME makes the best of it. -Blood curdling to hear him just now denouncing some Procurator Fiscal -whose office is in Edinburgh, and his house in Ross-shire. Or is it the -other way about? The worst of WEIRISOME making our flesh creep by his -ventriloquial talents is, that we get a little mixed about his points. -However it was, the Procurator Fiscal had committed a heinous crime. -Only by exercise of supernatural forbearance that WEIRISOME refrained -from moving to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland by £2000. - -Effect of supernatural rumblings of his voice increased by ghastly -pauses in flow of conversation. HANBURY, as yet new to post of -Financial Secretary, will by-and-by get accustomed to its trials. -Meanwhile it is painful for Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES, moored immediately -behind his old colleague, to observe his hair gradually standing up -whilst House is hushed in awesome silence what time WEIRISOME is -solemnly reaffixing his _pince-nez_ with intent to continue his remarks. - -Chairman more than once attempted to fill up pauses by reminding -WEIRISOME what was the precise bearing of vote before Committee. Once -sternly threatened to inforce rule which permits Chairman to order a -rambling speaker to shut up, and sit down. WEIRISOME apparently paid -no attention. A few minutes later, fancying he saw sign of movement in -the Chair, he stopped; with wide sweep of arm put on his _pince-nez_; -held manuscript up with apparent intention of consulting it; covertly -regarded JAMES W. over the top. Concluding he meant business, -WEIRISOME, without another word, solemnly, slowly--to the agonised -looker on the process seemed to occupy sixty seconds--dropped into his -seat. - -_Business done._--A good deal in Committee of Supply. - -_Friday, 2 A.M._--It is the unexpected that ever happens in House of -Commons. Wednesday is ordinarily humdrum day; SPEAKER takes Chair -at noon; all over before six. Accordingly, having met at noon on -Wednesday, House sat till two o'clock next morning, proceedings -culminating with scene in which DICK WEBSTER, of all men, was convicted -of disorderly conduct. - -"Really," said J. G. TALBOT, nervously rubbing his hands, "I don't know -what we shall see next. Probably the Chaplain, in full canonicals, -conducted to Clock Tower by Serjeant-at-Arms for having spoken -disrespectfully of the Archbishop of CANTERBURY. The sooner this -Session is over, the better it will be for Church and State." - -By way of balancing eccentricity of uproarious Wednesday, the sitting -just drawing to close has been unrelievedly dull. Yet it was the -sitting solemnly set aside for Irish votes. Battle-royal expected, -with nothing left at its close but few fragments that had once been -GERALD BALFOUR, and here and there the limb of an Irish Member. -Nothing happened, not even a division. Only long succession of dreary -diatribes, with GERALD BALFOUR occasionally interposing with new -promise of benignant sway. - -"Very odd," said Truculent TIM, annoyed to find himself mollified. "The -voice of the new Chief Secretary is uncommonly like the voice of ARTHUR -BALFOUR. But the hands promise to rule after the fashion of the hands -of JOHN MORLEY." - -_Business done._--All the Irish votes passed. - -_Friday._--House sat to-day, pegging away again at Supply, so as to -prorogue next week. Navy Votes on; Cap'en TOMMY BOWLES attempts to boss -the show, making light of Lord High Admiral JOKIM, openly alluding -to Corporal HANBURY as a horse-marine, this too much for an ancient -friendship strained by altered circumstances. - -"TOMMY," said the Financial Secretary to the Treasury, turning round -upon his former ally, after he had been up for twentieth time dictating -marine tactics to the Sea Lords and policy to the First Lord; "did you -ever hear a story LUBBOCK tells about the Maori convert? As he had not -been seen for some weeks inquiry was made as to his welfare. 'Oh,' -explained the chief of his tribe, 'he gave us so much good advice that -at last we put him to death.' Think it over TOMMY. It's a nice story, -and there's a moral in it." - -_Business done._--Nearly all. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: GENTLE EXERCISE. - -_Mrs. Jones._ "COME ON, OLD SLOWCOACH! LET'S RACE UP THIS NEXT HILL, OR -WE'LL BE LATE FOR TEA!" - -[_Jones is beginning to doubt the wisdom of having sold his Pony -and Trap, and taken to Bicycles. He lives seven miles from a Town -where Mrs. J. takes him shopping four times a week with the greatest -regularity._ ] - - * * * * * - -A PIECE FULL OF POINT. - -Messrs. CLEMENT SCOTT and BRANDON THOMAS are to be congratulated on -the success of their adaptation of the _Maître d'Armes_, produced -at the Adelphi Theatre on Saturday last. The play, which appeared, -like the longest remembered dramas of the late DION BOUCICAULT, in -August--traditionally "the dead season of the stage"--seems destined -to be as popular as the best-liked of its predecessors. For once--but, -it is to be hoped, not "and away"--Mr. WILLIAM TERRISS has a chance -of showing his quality in a character worthier of his powers than the -customary hero of "walking gentleman" romance. Like Mr. HENRY NEVILLE -when he appeared as _Henry Dunbar_, after a long course of _Ticket -of Leave Man_, Mr. TERRISS makes the most of his opportunity. Miss -MILLWARD is excellent as the child of the fencer--a criticism which -applies equally "to every one concerned." Well written, well mounted, -and well played, there is no reason why _The Swordsman's Daughter_ -should not prove the truth of heredity and "run through"--the season. - - * * * * * - -"Full of wise saws" is "Amateur Angler," in the _Fishing Gazette_, -concerning the river Wye. He complains that "he tried for trout, but -caught chub," which, however, we are told "is a comely fish"--quite -chub-stantial, doubtless--and "gives as much sport, at times, as a -gentlemanly trout." "Lordly salmon" are also to be found. Evidently the -Wye is peopled by the upper crust of the piscatorial world, and this, -perhaps, explains the reason for "the river being netted and poached in -every conceivable way," or wye, as Cockneys say. - - * * * * * - -With sorrow we read, in the _South Wales Daily News_, the announcement -of the demise of "Billy," the celebrated goat, that for ten years -had been an honoured and favourite member of the First Battalion, -Welsh Regiment. This excellent animal, who died from the ravages of -rheumatism contracted on the march, seems to have belonged to the -"giddy" species of goat, for we learn that "he could hold his own -with the best in drinking stout, beer, wine, or spirits." With these -Anti-Local Veto propensities, it would not have been astonishing had -the bibulous "Billy," like a certain historical personage, met with his -end by drowning in a butt. - - * * * * * - -A DIALOGUE OF THE NIGHT. - -["The art of setting forth a scene, an incident, in the shape of -conversation natural, fluent, easy, and witty, is not so common an -accomplishment as the large supply produced on Mr. CRAUFURD'S demand -may seem to suggest."--_The "Daily News" on "Dialogues of the Day" -edited by Mr. Oswald Craufurd._] - -SCENE--_The Elysian Fields, at nightfall._ - -PRESENT--_The shades of_ Lord _and_ Lady SPARKISH, Lord _and_ Lady -SMART, Colonel ALWIT, Mr. NEVEROUT, Miss NOTABLE, _and some other -characters in_ Dean SWIFT'S "_Polite Conversation_." - -_Lady Smart_ (_laying down her book with a yawn_). Egad! Our posterity -cannot _talk_, they can only prattle. - -_Lord Sparkish._ Or rather _patter_. - -_Miss Notable._ Pray, my lord, what is "patter"? - -_Lord Sparkish._ All sauciness and slang, like the soliloquy of a Cheap -Jack. - -_Mr. Neverout._ Modish conversation, to-day, seems to borrow its -diction from the music-hall, and its repartee from the 'bus conductor. - -_Miss Notable._ Oh fie! Now our "Polite and Ingenious Conversation," as -the dear Dean of ST. PATRICK reported it, was vastly different. Did not -Mr. SWIFT declare that he defied all the clubs and coffee-houses in the -town to equal it in wit, humour, smartness or politeness? - -_Lady Sparkish._ Yes; yes, indeed! And he had scruples about -prostituting "this noble art to mean and vulgar people." - -_Mr. Neverout._ Egad, the penny daily paper and the sixpenny -illustrated weekly have altered all that. "Mean and vulgar people" now -write books and journals, as well as read 'em. - -_Miss Notable._ For my part I don't like dialogues, except upon the -stage. They are so mortally dull. - -_Lady Sparkish._ Nay, but my dear girl, the Dean says, you must -remember, "Dialogue is held the best method of inculcating any part of -knowledge; and I am confident that public schools will soon be founded -for teaching wit and politeness, after my scheme, to young people of -quality and fortune." - -_Mr. Neverout._ Perhaps the present rage for dialogues is the first -step in that direction. - -_Lady Answerall._ Pah! there _are_ no "young persons of quality" now! - -_Lord Sparkish._ Though plenty of young persons of fortune! - -_Mr. Neverout._ Quite a different thing, my Lord! In _our_ days -School Boards, Labour Members, and American Millionaires had not been -invented. CREECH had indeed translated HORACE into the vernacular, but -JOWETT had not Englished the Platonic Dialogues for the benefit of -Extension Lectures and hack journalists. - -_Colonel Alwit._ Faith, I could never stomach that inquisitive bore -SOCRATES and his dreary dialoguists. That gay, wicked, but debonair -dog, LUCIAN, was more to my mind. - -_Mr. Neverout._ Ah! who of our latter-day dialogue-mongers could equal -the smart and really _quite fin-de-siècle_ cynic of SAMOSATA? - -[Illustration] - -_Miss Notable._ Well, as TIBBALDS, said:-- - - "I am no schollard, but I am polite, - Therefore be sure I'm no Jacobite." - -So I've not read your LUCIANS and PLATOS and things. But I like _Gyp_, -and _Anthony Hope_. I vow he hath a true touch of "the quality," and he -vastly delights me. - -_Mr. Neverout._ Does he not go nigh to make you blush, now and anon? - -_Miss Notable._ Blush? Ay, blush like a blue dog. - -_Lady Smart._ Still I maintain the Town to-day cannot _talk_. - -_Mr. Neverout._ Any more than it can write letters. - -_Lady Sparkish._ There is nought _genteel_ in their gabble, nor truly -smart in their repartee. - -_Lord Sparkish._ And they cannot _badiner_ a bit. - -_Lady Smart._ Like that _dear Bellamour!_ - -_Miss Notable._ Or that _delightful Lovelace!_ - -_Lady Smart._ Modern dialogues are _dull!_ - -_Mr. Neverout._ If our dear Dean, now, could furnish them with a fresh -supply of those entertaining and improving "polite questions, answers, -repartees, replies, and rejoinders," such as he took thirty years in -collecting, there might be a chance for them. - -_Lord Sparkish._ Or if we could send them some really modish dialogues -from the shades! - -_Lady Sparkish._ Faith, suppose we send 'em _this!_ - -_Miss Notable._ Ah, do let's!!! - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. -109, September 7, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 109, SEPTEMBER 7, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 44976-8.txt or 44976-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/9/7/44976/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/44976-8.zip b/44976-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 940d582..0000000 --- a/44976-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/44976-h.zip b/44976-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 803fd16..0000000 --- a/44976-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/44976-h/44976-h.htm b/44976-h/44976-h.htm index d78ebcd..ca2e33c 100644 --- a/44976-h/44976-h.htm +++ b/44976-h/44976-h.htm @@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> <title> The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109. September 7, 1895. by Various. @@ -78,48 +78,7 @@ epub headings </style> </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, -September 7, 1895, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, September 7, 1895 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Sir Francis Burnand - -Release Date: February 22, 2014 [EBook #44976] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 109, SEPTEMBER 7, 1895 *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44976 ***</div> <hr class="full" /> @@ -291,7 +250,7 @@ tons, and did some very satisfactory trials.</p> <p>Invicta, the remarkably speedy East Coast seven-year-old, made a very good show in her run from Grantham to York yesterday. -She covered the 80½ miles in 78 minutes with Driver <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span> up, +She covered the 80½ miles in 78 minutes with Driver <span class="smcap">Tomkins</span> up, and a weight of some 120 tons, without turning a hair. She looked extremely well-trained, and I compliment her owners on her appearance.</p> @@ -362,7 +321,7 @@ some of these days!</span>"</p></div> <img src="images/111.jpg" width="750" height="509" alt="PICKINGS FROM PICARDY" /></a> <div class="caption">PICKINGS FROM PICARDY.</div> -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">After the Procession. A Solo by Grand-père.</span></p></div> +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">After the Procession. A Solo by Grand-père.</span></p></div> <hr /> @@ -521,7 +480,7 @@ lunch sumptuously at Calais, and be back in time for a cup of (literally) five o'clock tea at South Kensington. Within eight hours one could travel to the coast, cross the silver streak twice, call upon the Gallic <i>douane</i>, test the <i>cuisine</i> of the <i>buffet</i> attached to the -Hôtel Terminus, and attend officially Mrs. <span class="smcap">Anybody's</span> "last Any-day." +Hôtel Terminus, and attend officially Mrs. <span class="smcap">Anybody's</span> "last Any-day." It seemed to be a wonderful feat, and yet when I came to perform it, it was as easy as possible.</p> @@ -622,24 +581,24 @@ I allow the "goers on" (passengers bound for Paris and the Continent generally) to satisfy their cravings for food, and then give my orders. A waiter, who has all the activity of his class, representing, -let us say, the best traditions of the Champs Elysée, +let us say, the best traditions of the Champs Elysée, takes me in hand. We make out a <i>menu</i> on the spot—Melon, -<i>tête de veau à la vinaigrette</i>, <i>caneton aux +<i>tête de veau à la vinaigrette</i>, <i>caneton aux petits pois</i>, and a cheese omelette. Then half a -bottle of red wine, a demi-syphon, and a <i>café</i> and -<i>chasse</i>. All good. Then the <i>garçon</i> skips away, +bottle of red wine, a demi-syphon, and a <i>café</i> and +<i>chasse</i>. All good. Then the <i>garçon</i> skips away, placing knives and forks at this table, a dish of fruit at that, and a basket of bread at the one yonder. These athletic exercises (that are sufficiently encouraging to promise the performer—if he wishes -it—a prosperous career on the lofty <i>trapèze</i>), are +it—a prosperous career on the lofty <i>trapèze</i>), are undertaken in the interests of the expected voyagers Albion bound. Before the arrival of the Paris train I have eaten my lunch, settled my bill (moderate), and taken my deck chair on the good steamer that is to carry me back to my native land.</p> <p>Ah! never shall I forget the dear old shores of England as I -watch them after <i>déjeuner à la fourchette</i> through the perfumed +watch them after <i>déjeuner à la fourchette</i> through the perfumed haze of an unusually good cigar. "Low capped and turf crowned, they are not a patch upon the wild magnificence of the fierce Australian coast line, but in my eyes they are beautiful beyond @@ -1376,7 +1335,7 @@ of the ratepayers how to play the 'fiddle.'"</p> <span class="i4">On beaches that before us lie<br /></span> <span class="i0">All round our coasts—we do abroad whene'er we get the chance!<br /></span> </div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i2">O'er here in St. Maló<br /></span> +<span class="i2">O'er here in St. Maló<br /></span> <span class="i2">The thing's quite <i>comme il faut</i>;<br /></span> <span class="i4">Why not in higher latitude?<br /></span> <span class="i4">I can't make out the attitude<br /></span> @@ -1386,7 +1345,7 @@ of the ratepayers how to play the 'fiddle.'"</p> <hr class="short" /> <p><span class="smcap">Lancashire</span> riflemen who "pay their shot" -at the average rate of £5 per annum for +at the average rate of £5 per annum for "marking," are certainly entitled to every modern improvement on their range at Altcar, and it is no wonder that there has been some @@ -1505,7 +1464,7 @@ ventriloquial talents is, that we get a little mixed about his points. However it was, the Procurator Fiscal had committed a heinous crime. Only by exercise of supernatural forbearance that <span class="smcap">Weirisome</span> refrained from moving to reduce salary of Secretary for Scotland -by £2000.</p> +by £2000.</p> <p>Effect of supernatural rumblings of his voice increased by ghastly pauses in flow of conversation. <span class="smcap">Hanbury</span>, as yet new to post of @@ -1627,7 +1586,7 @@ J. takes him shopping four times a week with the greatest regularity.</i></p></d <p class="ph4">A PIECE FULL OF POINT.</p> <p>Messrs. <span class="smcap">Clement Scott</span> and <span class="smcap">Brandon Thomas</span> are to be congratulated -on the success of their adaptation of the <i>Maître d'Armes</i>, produced +on the success of their adaptation of the <i>Maître d'Armes</i>, produced at the Adelphi Theatre on Saturday last. The play, which appeared, like the longest remembered dramas of the late <span class="smcap">Dion Boucicault</span>, in August—traditionally "the dead season of the stage"—seems @@ -1745,7 +1704,7 @@ benefit of Extension Lectures and hack journalists.</p> dog, <span class="smcap">Lucian</span>, was more to my mind.</p> <p><i>Mr. Neverout.</i> Ah! who of our latter-day dialogue-mongers could -equal the smart and really <i>quite fin-de-siècle</i> cynic of <span class="smcap">Samosata</span>?</p> +equal the smart and really <i>quite fin-de-siècle</i> cynic of <span class="smcap">Samosata</span>?</p> <p><i>Miss Notable.</i> Well, as <span class="smcap">Tibbalds</span>, said:—</p> @@ -1803,387 +1762,6 @@ dialogues from the shades!</p> <p><i>Miss Notable.</i> Ah, do let's!!!</p> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. -109, September 7, 1895, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 109, SEPTEMBER 7, 1895 *** - -***** This file should be named 44976-h.htm or 44976-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/9/7/44976/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer -and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at -http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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