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diff --git a/44933-0.txt b/44933-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..427a2cb --- /dev/null +++ b/44933-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1842 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44933 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 148. + +FEBRUARY 10, 1915. + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +"Kultur belongs to my Germans alone," says the KAISER. We were +not aware that the charge had been brought against any other country. + +* * * + +"The Indians," complains the _Frankfurter Zeitung_, "have an +extraordinary way of fighting. They jump up, shoot with wonderful +precision, and disappear before one has time to notice them properly." +Our contemporary has evidently not been studying the pages of _Punch_, +or it would know that the disappearance is worked by the well-known +Indian trick of throwing a rope into the air and climbing up it. + +* * * + +Letters from the British troops operating in Damaraland show that the +prevailing complaint there is with respect to the heat; and a dear and +very thoughtful old lady writes to suggest that, as our men in Flanders +dislike the cold, it might be possible to arrange an exchange. + +* * * + +With reference to the attentions paid by German aeroplanes, the other +day, to the British provision establishments at Dunkirk, we understand +that the bombs which were dropped made no impression whatever on our +bully beef, so famous for its durability. + +* * * + +The Norwich Liberals have selected as their candidate Lieutenant +HILTON YOUNG, and it has been decided that the election +shall not be contested. It is realised that in time of war "_Le monde +appartient aux Jeunes_." + +* * * + +In his account of the dynamiting of the C. P. R. bridge over the St. +Croix river, REUTER tells us that "A German officer who +has been hanging around the neighbourhood for the past few days has +been arrested." We have a shrewd idea that he may be hanging in the +neighbourhood again very shortly. + +* * * + +We are surprised that the advocates of Mr. WILLETT'S Daylight +Saving Bill have been so quiet lately. Surely it would be an enormous +advantage to rush this measure through now so that the Germans may have +less darkness to take advantage of? + +* * * + +Dr. HANS RICHTER, the celebrated WAGNER conductor, +who enjoyed English hospitality for so long, has now expressed the +hope that Germany may punish England who has so profoundly disgraced +herself. It is even said that the amiable Doctor asked to be allowed to +conduct a Parsifal airship to this country. + +* * * + +Professor KOBERT, of Rostock University, one of Germany's +best-known chemists, is advocating a mixture of pig's blood and +rye-meal as a most nutritious form of bread for his countrymen. +There is, of course, already a certain amount of pig's blood in the +composition of some Germans. + +* * * + +Our newspapers really ought to be more careful. We feel quite sure +that the following paragraph in _The Daily Mail_ will be quoted in +the German Press as showing the Londoner's fears of a Zeppelin visit: +"The Golder's Green Training Corps yesterday morning mobilised eighty +motor-cars and drove out to Harpenden to see how quickly the corps +could get out of London in case of emergency." + +* * * + +_The Times_ has been discussing the question as to whether khaki is the +best protective colour for soldiers. In this connection it is worth +noting that the uniforms worn by the men of KITCHENER'S Army +appear to render them almost completely invisible to the correspondents +of German newspapers in this country, who report that there is only a +mere handful of these soldiers. + +* * * + +By the way Colonel MAUDE pointed out recently in _Land and +Water_ that it is essential that our gunners should be able to watch +our infantry closing on the enemy, and that in this respect khaki is a +drawback. We now hear that the wide-awake Germans are taking the hint, +and that their new uniforms will have scarlet backs, which will not +only help their artillery, but will act as a powerful deterrent should +their troops think of running away. + +* * * + +Extract from a Book Merchant's Catalogue:--"I venture to assert no +more acceptable gift could be sent to our Heroes on Active Service +than a few cwts. of Literature. A book is the best of all companions +and always useful, for one in the breast pocket has been the means of +saving many a man's life in action." A Society for supplying every +recruit with a complete set of _The Encyclopædia Britannica_ is now, we +believe, in process of formation. + +* * * + +A book which is stated to have been "kept back on account of the war" +is entitled _Hell's Playground_. One would have thought it would have +been peculiarly _à propos_. + +* * * + +A live frog has been discovered embedded in a piece of coal hewn from a +colliery in the Forest of Dean. It is thought that the colliery owners, +by means of a series of bonuses like this, intend to make their coal +look almost worth the price that is now being charged for it. + +* * * + +Frankly we were not surprised to hear that the moon was full a little +while ago. In these times our own planet is certainly not a very +desirable place. + +* * * + +It is now stated that Herr LIEBKNECHT, the Socialist leader, +who was called to the colours a few days ago, has been relieved of +service in the Landwehr. This is most annoying as it throws out all the +carefully calculated figures of our experts as to the number of men +Germany is putting into the field. + +* * * + +Even the Censor nods occasionally. _The Tailor and Cutter_ has been +allowed to state that a Holborn tailor is making a uniform for a +sergeant in KITCHENER'S Army who stands 6 ft. 8 ins. high. +The fact that we have a man of these dimensions in reserve was, we +understand, to have been one of our surprises for Germany. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Military Enthusiast._ "AUNTIE, DO YOU MIND IF +I MAKE THE GERMANS WIN JUST ONE BATTLE NOW AND THEN? THEY'RE GETTING +WORN OUT."] + + * * * * * + +THE MARK OF THE BEAST. + +(_With acknowledgments to a cartoon by Mr. WILL DYSON._) + + [In a Munich paper Herr GANGHOFER recites the following + remark of the KAISER'S, whose special journalistic confidant + he is said to be:--"To possess Kultur means to have the deepest + conscientiousness and the highest morality. My Germans possess that."] + + 'Tis enough that we know you have said it; + We feel that the facts correspond + With your speech as a Person of credit, + Whose word is as good as his bond; + Who are we that our critics should quarrel + With the flattering doctrine you preach-- + That the German, in all that is moral, + Is an absolute peach? + + But the puzzle grows odder and odder: + If your people are spotless of blame, + Being perfectly sound cannon-fodder, + Then whose is the fault and the shame? + If it's just from a deep sense of duty + That they prey upon woman and priest, + And their minds are a model of Beauty, + Then who is the Beast? + + For a Beast is at work in this matter; + We have seen--and the traces endure-- + The red blood of the innocent spatter + The print of his horrible spoor; + On their snouts, like the lovers of Circe-- + Your men that are changed into swine-- + The Mark of the Beast-without-mercy + Is set for a sign. + + You have posed (next to God) as the pillar + That steadies the fabric of State, + Whence issues the brave baby-killer + Supplied with his hymnal of hate; + Once known for a chivalrous knight, he + Now hogs with the Gadarene herd; + Since it can't be the other Almighty, + How _has_ it occurred? + + When at last they begin to be weary + Of sluicing their virtues in slime, + And they put the embarrassing query:-- + "Who turned us to brutes of the prime? + Full of culture and most conscientious, + Who made us a bestial crew? + Who pounded the poisons that drench us?"-- + I wouldn't be you. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +THE PLAINT OF A BRITISH DACHSHUND. + +DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--I desire to address you on a painful +subject. Let me state that I am (1) a dachshund of unblemished +character; (2) a British-born subject; (3) a member of a family which, +though originally of foreign extraction, has for several generations +been honourably domiciled in one of the most exclusive and aristocratic +of our English country seats. Imagine then the surprise and indignation +experienced by myself, my wife and our only daughter when, shortly +after the opening of the present unfortunate hostilities between our +country and a certain continental Power, we found the atmosphere of +friendly, nay, affectionate respect with which we had so long been +surrounded becoming gradually superseded by one of suspicion and +animosity. + +The ball was started by Macalister, an Aberdeen terrier of unprincipled +character, who has never forgiven me for summarily crushing the +unwelcome advances which he had the bad taste to make last spring to +my daughter. He had had the impertinence to approach me with a large +(and, I confess, a distinctly succulent-looking) object, which he +laid with an oily smile on the ground before my nose. But I had heard +from Gertrude (my wife) of his attentions to our offspring, and I saw +through the ruse. + +"If you imagine," I said, "for one moment that this insidious offer +of a stolen bone will induce a gentleman of family to countenance an +engagement between his daughter and an advertisement for Scotch whisky +you are greatly mistaken. Be off with you, and never let me see your +ruffianly whiskers near my basket again!" + +Rather severe, no doubt, but when I am deeply moved I seldom mince +matters; in fact, as a Briton, I prefer to hit out straight from the +shoulder. In any case, for the time being it settled Macalister. + +I say for the time being. In the autumn he had his revenge. One morning +early in October I was walking down the drive accompanied by a recent +arrival within our circle, a rather brainless St. Bernard (who gave his +name with a lisp as "Bwuno"), when we met my child's rejected suitor. +Since the incident mentioned above I had consistently cut Macalister, +and I passed him now without recognition. No sooner was he by, however, +and at a safe distance, than he deliberately turned and snarled over +his shoulder at me the offensive epithet, "Potsdammer!" + +My blood boiled; I longed to bury my teeth in the scoundrel's throat; +but I remembered that Gertrude had once told me that galloping made me +look ridiculous. So I affected not to hear the insult, and proceeded, +outwardly calm, with my morning constitutional. But, for some reason +or other, Bruno's flow of small talk appeared suddenly to dry up, and +once or twice I detected him looking at me curiously out of the corners +of his eyes. Next day, on my calling for him as usual he pleaded a +cold. His manner struck me as odd; still I accepted his excuse. But +when the cold had lasted, without any perceptible loss of appetite, for +a fortnight, and I had seen him meanwhile on two occasions actually +rabbiting (an absurd pastime for a St. Bernard) with Macalister, I +saw what had happened and decided to ask him what he meant by it. He +endeavoured to assume a conciliatory attitude, but the long and short +of it was, he said, that as a Swiss, and therefore a neutral, it was +impossible for him to be too careful, and he feared that my society +might compromise him. I did not argue with him; it would merely have +involved a loss of dignity to do so. + +Since that time, though we have endured in silence, the lot of myself +and my family has been a hard one. We have been fed and housed as +usual, it is true, but when one has been accustomed to live on terms +of the most privileged friendship with a household it is galling to +find oneself suddenly treated by every member of it, from the butler +downwards, as a prisoner of war. I am not even allowed now to bite the +postmen; and I used to enjoy them so much, especially the evening one, +who wears quite thin trousers. Our only consolation has been the hope +that our misfortune might be an isolated instance. To-day, however, I +learn that it is not so. I have discovered by my basket (and I have +reason to think that they were conveyed thither by the malignant +Macalister) three humorous (?) sketches depicting members of my race +in situations which I can only describe as ridiculous, and obviously +insinuating that they were to be regarded as aliens. + +I appeal to you, Sir, as a lover of justice and animals, to put this +matter right with the public, for the life that a British dachshund has +to lead at the present moment is what is vulgarly known as a dog's life. + + Yours to the bottom biscuit, FRITZ. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RIDDLE OF THE SANDS. + +TURKISH CAMEL. "WHERE TO?" + +GERMAN OFFICER. "EGYPT." + +CAMEL. "GUESS AGAIN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE REFUGEE. + +"BOBBY DEAR, CAN'T YOU GET MARCELLE TO PLAY WITH YOU +SOMETIMES?" + +"I DO TRY, BUT SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT IT--SHE'S ALWAYS +KNITTING. I THINK, MOTHER, PERHAPS IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF, FOR THE NEXT +WAR, WE HAD A BOY."] + + * * * * * + +HOT WATER. + +At the beginning of things I sat outside my tent in the early hours of +the morning while a stalwart warrior poured buckets of cold water down +my spine. I felt heroic. + +Towards the end of October I began to dislike my servant; I had a +suspicion he was icing the water. Before November was in I had given up +sitting outside my tent. My bathing I decided (one cold wet morning) +should take place under cover, either at the Golf Club or at some +kindly person's house. + +A few days later, not being on duty, I had arranged to dine with the +Fergusons. In the late afternoon I strode into the Golf Club and had a +hot bath. From there I wandered into town, where I met Mrs. Johnston. + +"Hello!" she said. "I'm just going home. Won't you come with me?" + +Mrs. Johnston is one in a thousand. + +"Rather," I agreed. "Forward--by the right." + +Tea over, my hostess turned to me brightly. "Now," she said, "I know +what it must be in camp. I'm sure you'd like a nice hot bath," and she +rang the bell. + +Somehow I didn't tell her I'd had one at the Club. You might have +done differently perhaps, but--well, the little lady was beaming +hospitality; was it for me to stifle her generous intentions? I thought +not. + +I went upstairs and splashed manfully. + +For the third time that day I dressed; then I went downstairs and found +Johnston. + +"Hello," he said. "Been having a bath? Good!" + +I stiffened perceptibly at "good." + +We chatted a little while, then I breathed my sincere thanks and left +them. + +My arrival at the Fergusons' was rather early, somewhere about +seven-thirty. I was shown into the drawing-room while the maid went to +inform Mrs. Ferguson of my arrival. In two minutes she returned. + +"Will you come this way, Sir?" she said. + +I went that way. + +Ten minutes later I emerged from Ferguson's bath and walked into his +dressing-room. Ferguson had arrived. + +"Hello!" he said. "Been having a bath? Good!" + +I winced at the word; then I smiled bravely and started to dress--for +the fourth time. + +* * * + +It was eleven o'clock when I got back to camp, and I found to my +surprise that the Mess had been moved from the tent to the new hut. + +"Hello!" they said, "how do you like the new quarters?" + +I surveyed the bare boards. + +"Topping," I replied, "but it's not anywhere near finished." + +"No," said the Junior Major, "but the bath's in. Hot water, by Gad! Go +and have a bath." + +I looked at him blankly. "I've had three, Sir, to-day." + +I might have known it was foolish; the Junior Major is still young. + +"It's up to the subalterns," he suggested, "to see he has No. 4." + +They saw to it. + + * * * * * + +"Baron von Bissing, the Governor of Belgium," says _The Central News_, +"has paid a visit to Turnhout and inspected the German guards along +the Belgo-Dutch frontier." In the whole of our experience we know no +finer example of self-control than our refusal to play with that word +Turnhout. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BLOCKADE. A FAIR WARNING.] + +NOTICE + +ON AND AFTER FEBRUARY 18, ANY MERCHANT SHIP (ENEMY OR NEUTRAL) +FOUND IN THE MILITARY AREA WITHIN 500 MILES OF THE ATTACHED SUBMARINE +WILL BE LIABLE TO BE SUNK AT SIGHT, WITH OR WITHOUT HER CREW. + +BY ORDER] + + * * * * * + +IN QUAINTEST CINEMALAND. + +In these troublous times Cinemaland is about the only foreign country +in which it is possible to travel for pleasure. It has occurred to me +that some account of its curious manners and customs may not be without +interest for such readers as are still unacquainted with them. + +As Cinemaland contains many departments, each of which has +peculiarities of its own, I cannot attempt more than a general +description. + +The chief national industry is the chase of fugitives. In some +departments this is done on horseback, with a considerable and rather +aimless expenditure of ammunition; in others by motor car, or along the +roofs of railway carriages. It seems a healthy pursuit and provides all +concerned with exercise and excitement. The women are, almost without +exception, young and extremely prepossessing. Nature has endowed them, +among other personal advantages, with superb teeth, of which they make +a pardonably ostentatious display on the slightest provocation. They +are all magnificent horsewomen and fearless swimmers, and they do not +in the least mind spoiling their clothes. + +In their domestic circles, however, they show a feminine and clinging +disposition, with a marked tendency to fall in love at first sight with +any undesirable stranger. + +The principal occupation of the children is reconciling estranged +parents by contracting serious illnesses or getting run over. +The latter is even easier to manage in Cinemaland than in any +London thoroughfare. I have seldom, if ever, seen an aged Cinemian +grandparent, a long-lost wife, or a strayed child try to cross the +emptiest street without being immediately bowled over by a motor-car. +The mere wind of it has the strange potency not only of knocking down a +pedestrian, but inflicting the gravest internal injuries. Fortunately, +Cinemaland is a country rich in coincidences, so the car is invariably +occupied by the very person who has been vainly seeking the sufferer +for years. This of course is some compensation, but, all the same, it +is hardly the ideal method of running across people one is anxious to +meet. + +The victims are always removed to the nearest hospital, but, if I may +judge from what I have seen of their wards, I should say that medical +science in Cinemaland is still in its infancy, and it has never +surprised me that so many patients die soon after admission. + +But then Science of any kind seems to be a dangerous and unprofitable +occupation there. The inventor, designer, or discoverer of anything +is simply asking for trouble. If he doesn't blow himself up in his +laboratory and get blinded for life, some envious rival is certain to +undertake this for him. Or else a vague villain will steal his formula +or plans and sell them to a Foreign Power with Dundreary whiskers. And +the extraordinary part of it is that no Cinemian has ever invented +anything yet of which the secret could possibly be worth more than +twopence. I fancy the stealing must be done from sheer wanton devilry. + +Crime in Cinemaland is invariably detected sooner or later, though I +doubt if it would be but for a careless practice among criminals there +of carrying in their breastpockets the document that proves their +guilt. They seem to have a superstitious idea that to destroy it would +bring them bad luck. + +The exterior of a private mansion in a fashionable Cinemian suburb is +stately and imposing, but the interior is generally disappointing, +the rooms being small and overcrowded with furniture that is showy +without being distinguished. In some houses the owners appear to have a +taste for collecting antiques and to have been grossly imposed upon by +dealers. + +It is usual for young couples with a very moderate income to keep +not only a smart parlourmaid but a butler as well. The manner of all +Cinemian domestics is one of exaggerated deference; an ordinary English +employer would be painfully embarrassed if his servants bowed to him so +low and so often, but they appear to like it in Cinemaland. + +Social etiquette there has exigencies that are all its own. For +example, a guest at an evening party who happens to lose a brooch or +necklace is expected at once to stop the festivities by complaining +to her hostess and insisting on a constable being called in to search +everybody present. It might be thought that Cinemian Society would have +learnt by this time that the person in whose possession the missing +article is discovered is absolutely sure to be innocent. But the +supposed culprit is always hauled off (with quite unnecessary violence) +to prison, amidst the scorn and reprobation of the hostess and her +other guests. It is true they make the handsomest amends afterwards, +which are gratefully accepted, but in any other country the hostess's +next invitation to any social function would be met with the plea of +a previous engagement. If these amiable and impulsive people _have_ a +failing, I should say it was a readiness to believe the worst of one +another on evidence which would not hang an earwig. + +They are indefatigable letter-writers, but, after having had the +privilege of inspecting numerous examples of their correspondence, I +am compelled to own that, while their penmanship is bold and legible, +their epistolary style is apt to be a trifle crude. + +The clergy of Cinemaland all wear short side whiskers and are a +despised and servile class who appear to derive most of their +professional income from marrying runaway couples in back parlours. + +In certain departments it is a frequent practice to dress up in Federal +and Confederate uniforms and engage in desperate conflict. I have +witnessed battles there with over a hundred combatants on each side. +There was a profusion of flags and white smoke on these occasions, but, +so far as I was able to observe, no blood was actually shed. + +There is another department which is inhabited by a singularly +high-strung, not to say jerky, race, the women especially betraying +their emotions with a primitive absence of self-control. There, the +pleasure of the cause has become a delirious orgy, though much valuable +time is lost both by pursuers and pursued, owing to an inveterate habit +of stopping and leaping high at intervals. Squinting is a not uncommon +affliction, as is also abnormal stoutness, the latter, however, being +always combined with a surprising agility. In personal encounters, +which are by no means uncommon, it is considered not only legitimate +but laudable to kick the adversary whenever he turns his back, and also +to spring at him, encircle his waist with your legs, and bite his ear. +The local police are all either overgrown or undersized, and have been +carefully trained to fall over one another at about every five yards. +As guardians of the peace, however, I prefer our own force. + +I could not have written even so brief an account as this unless I had +paid many visits to Cinemaland. If I am spared I fully expect to pay +many more. The truth is that I cannot keep away from the country. Why, +I can't explain, but I fancy it is because it is so absolutely unlike +any other country with which I happen to be familiar. + + F. A. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The one seated_ (_reading newspaper of January +29th_). "'20,000 GERMANS FALLEN IN ATTEMPT AT COUP-DE-MAIN.' CAN +YER SEE IT? C-O-U-P., D-E., M-A-I-N. STICK A UNION JACK IN +THERE."] + + * * * * * + + "The practice of compulsorily enrolling men for defence against + invasion can be traced from before the time of Alfred the Great, when + every man between 18 and 60 had to serve right up to the time of the + Napoleonic wars."--_Saturday Review._ + +It was found, however, that men who had enlisted in ALFRED THE +GREAT'S time at the age of sixty were of little real use in the +Napoleonic wars. + + * * * * * + +FLEET VISIONS SEEN THROUGH GERMAN EYES. + + [A number of curious facts about the British Army, lately gathered + from German sources, may be supplemented by some further information + of interest bearing on our Fleet.] + +The facts may be obscured for purposes of recruiting, but it remains +true that British seamen are no better than serfs. Their officers have +the most complete proprietorship in their persons and can do with +them what they like, as in the case of the English captain who had a +favourite shark, which followed his ship, and to which he threw an A.B. +each morning. That their slavery is acknowledged by the men is shown by +their custom of referring to the Captain as "The Owner." + + * * * * * + +The savagery of the British Navy has passed into a by-word, and the +bluejackets popularly go by the name of Jack Tartars. + + * * * * * + +It is all very well for America to protest her neutrality to Berlin, +but how can we ignore the fact that President WILSON actually +has a seat on the board of the British Admiralty--where he is known +as "Tug" WILSON. He is even the author of a work aimed +deliberately at us, and entitled _Der Tug_. + + * * * * * + +The superstitions of ignorant British seamen, notably the Horse +Marines, whose credulity has no parallel, is extra-ordinary. Mascots +are carried on all ships. For instance, no ship's carpenter will ever +go to sea without a walrus. + + * * * * * + +SELECT CONVERSATIONS. + +(_At about three o'clock in the morning._) + +AT THE WAR OFFICE. + +_Myself._ I want to see Lord KITCHENER, please. + +_Policeman._ Quite impossible, Sir. + +_Myself_ (_coldly handing card_). I don't think you realise who I am. + +_Policeman_ (_much impressed_). This way, Sir. + + [_I ascend the secret staircase, pat the bloodhounds chained outside + the sanctum, and enter._ + +_Kitchener_ (_sternly_). Good morning; what can I do for you? + +_Myself_ (_simply_). I have come to offer my services to the War Office. + +_Kitchener._ Have you had any previous military experience? + +_Myself._ None at all, Sir. + +_Kitchener_ (_warmly_). Excellent. The very man we want. You will bring +an absolutely fresh and unbiassed mind to the problem before us. Sit +down. (_I sit down._) You have a plan for defeating the Germans? Quite +so. Now--er--roughly, what would your idea be? + +_Myself_ (_waving arm_). Roughly, Sir, a broad sweeping movement. + +_Kitchener_ (_replacing ink-pot and getting to work with the +blotting-paper_). Excellent. + +_Myself._ The details I should work out later. I think perhaps I had +better explain them personally to Sir JOHN FRENCH and General +JOFFRE. + +_Kitchener._ I agree. You will be attached to Sir JOHN'S +Staff, with the rank of Major. I shall require you to leave for the +Front to-night. Good day, Major. + + [_We salute each other, and the scene changes._ + +AT GENERAL HEADQUARTERS. + +_French._ Ah, how do you do, Major? We have been waiting for you. + +_Myself._ How do you do, Sir? (_To_ JOFFRE, _slowly_) _Comment +vous portéz-vous?_ + +_Joffre._ Thank you; I speak English. + +_Myself_ (_a little disappointed_). Good. + +_French._ Now then, Major, let us hear your plan. + +_Myself._ Well, roughly it is a broad sweeping move----I _beg_ your +pardon, Sir! + +_Joffre_ (_with native politeness_). Not at all, Monsieur. + +_Myself_ (_stepping back so as to have more room_)--a broad sweeping +movement. More particularly my idea is---- + +[It is a curious thing, but I can never remember the rest of this +speech when I wake up. I know it disclosed a very masterly piece of +tactics ... the region of the Argonne ... a _point d'appui_.... No, it +has gone again. But I fancy the word "wedge" came in somewhere.] + +_French._ Marvellous! + +_Joffre._ _Magnifique!_ + +_Myself_ (_modestly_). Of course it's only an idea I jotted down on the +boat, but I think there's something in it. + +_French._ My dear Major, you have saved Europe. + +_Joffre_ (_unpinning medal from his coat_). In the name of France I +give you this. But you have a medal already, Monsieur? + +_Myself_ (_proudly_). My special constable's badge, General. I shall be +proud to see the other alongside it. + +_The scene fades._ + +[I can only suppose that at this moment I am moved by the desire to +save useless bloodshed, for I next find myself with the enemy.] + +AT POTSDAM. + +_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Ah, my good TIRPITZ, what news of our +blockade? + +_Myself_ (_removing whiskers_). No, WILLIAM, not +TIRPITZ! + +_Kaiser._ An Englishman! + +_Myself._ An Englishman--and come to beg you to give up the struggle. + +_Kaiser._ Never, while there is breath in man or horse! + +_Myself._ One moment. Let me tell you what is about to happen. On my +advice the Allies are making a broad swee---- Put back your sword, +Sire. I am not going to strike you--a broad sweeping movement through +Germany. + +_Kaiser_ (_going pale_). We are undone. It is the end of all. And this +was _your_ idea? + +_Myself._ My own, your Majesty. + +_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Would an Iron Cross and a Barony tempt you to +join us? Only a brain like yours could defeat such a movement. + +_Myself_ (_with dignity_). As a Major and a gentleman---- + +_Kaiser._ Enough. I feared it was useless. _(Gloomily)_ We surrender. + +_The scene closes._ + +[The final scene is not so clear in my memory that I can place it with +confidence upon paper. But the idea of it is this.] + +AT ---- PALACE. + +_A Certain Person._ Your country can never sufficiently reward you, +Major, but we must do what we can. I confer on you the V.C., the +D.S.O., the M.V.O., the P.T.O. and the P. and O. The payment of a +special grant of £5,000 a year for life will be proposed in the House +to-morrow. + +_Myself._ Thank you, Sir. As for the grant, I shall value it more for +the spirit which prompted it than for its actual---- Did you say _five_ +thousand, Sir? + +[At this point I realise with horror that I have only a very short vest +on, and with a great effort I wake.... The papers seem very dull at +breakfast.] + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + +THE SOLDIER'S ENGLAND. + + My England was a draper's shop, + And seemed to be the place to fit + My size of man; and I'd to stop + And make believe I fancied it-- + That and a yearly glimpse of mountain blue, + A book or two. + + A bigger England stirs afloat. + I see it well in one who's come + From where he left his home and boat + By Cornish coasts, whose rollers drum + Their English music on an English shore + Right at his door. + + And one who's left the North a spell + Has found an England he can love, + Hacking out coal. He's learnt her well + Though mines are narrow and, above, + The dingy houses set in dreary rows, + Seem all he knows. + + The one of us who's travelled most + Says England, stretching far beyond + Her narrow borders, means a host + Of countries where her word's her bond + Because she's steadfast, everywhere the same, + To play the game. + + Our college chum (my mate these days) + Thinks England is a garden where + There blooms in English speech and ways, + Nurtured in faith and thought we share, + A fellowship of pride we make our own, + And ours alone. + + And England's all we say, but framed + Too big for shallow words to hold. + We tell our bit and halt, ashamed, + Feeling the things that can't be told; + And so we're one and all in camp to-night, + And come to fight. + + * * * * * + + "No judgment of recent years has aroused more widespread interest + than that of Mr. Justice Bargrave Deane, in which he decided that the + Slingsby baby was the son of his mother."--_Evening News._ + +Wonderful men our judges. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doctor._ "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT NOW, AND I HAVE MUCH +PLEASURE IN RETURNING YOU THE TWO SOVEREIGNS WHICH I FOUND SHOT INTO +YOU WITH THE PURSE." + +_Sergeant._ "THANK YOU, SIR; I DON'T CALL HALF A QUID DEAR FOR +DOIN' THAT JOB." + +_Doctor._ "I DON'T FOLLOW YOU." + +_Sergeant._ "WELL, I HAD TWO-POUND-TEN IN THAT PURSE."] + + * * * * * + +HOW TO DEAL WITH SUBMARINES. + + ["_The Syren and Shipping_ offers £500 to the captain, officers and + crew of the first British merchant vessel which succeeds in sinking a + German submarine."--_The Times._] + +In order to assist captains of merchant ships to deal with raiding +submarines, a few suggestions and comments, which it is hoped will be +helpful, are offered by our Naval Expert. + +In the absence of a 4·7 naval gun, a provision suggested as useful by +a writer in _The Times_, any 13-inch shells that you happen to have on +board might be hoisted over the side, disguised as bunches of bananas, +and dropped on to the offending submarine. If this does not sink her at +once, additional bunches should be dropped. + +But before disposing of your shells be sure that your submarine is +close alongside. In case she should hold off, let the first mate beckon +to her, in a manner as nonchalant as possible, to come closer. + +When the enemy boards your ship, the captain should endeavour to +interest the boarding party with the latest war news from German +bulletins, whilst the bo'sun, the second steward and the stewardess, +with the aid of peashooters, pour liquid explosive down the submarine's +periscope. + +If you are fortunate enough to have on board one of those trained +sea lions which have been showing for some years at the music-halls, +you need not trouble to practise the subterfuges given above. On the +enemy's submarine making her appearance on the starboard side you +should lower your sea lion over the port side, preferably near the +stern, having previously attached to it a bomb connected with wires to +a battery. When the sea lion is close to the submarine just press the +button. Possibly you will lose your pet, but the general result should +be satisfactory. + +Owing to unavoidable circumstances you may not be able to put into +practice any of these hints. If that be so, when the enemy comes +aboard, work up a heated discussion on the origin of the War. If +skilfully managed, you should draw into the discussion the entire +company of the submarine, with the result that you will make time and +possibly be got out of your difficulty by one of our patrol ships. + +Should all and every one of these expedients be useless, as a forlorn +hope you should read aloud the appropriate clauses of the Hague +Convention, and at the same time take the names and addresses of the +boarding party for future reference. + +If you have an amateur photographer aboard, let him get going. The +payment made by illustrated papers for pictures that reproduce the +sinking of your ship will probably exceed the value of the ship, so +that in any case your owners will not lose by the deal. + +But it is always best, where possible, to sink the submarine. + + * * * * * + +From a letter in _The Liverpool Echo_:-- + + "At a time like this we must be prepared to have our prejudices + shattered. When the whole world has been turned upside down, is it + fair that women should be left standing still?" + +It is a delicate question, and the women must be left to take up their +own position in the matter. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Constable_ (_to the Vicar, who has been +hurrying to fetch fire engine_). "SO YOUR 'OUSE IS AFIRE, IS IT? +AH! I'VE BIN A-WATCHIN' THAT LIGHT. DIDN'T EXPECT TO RUN INTO _ME_, DID +YOU? 'OW'M I TO KNOW YOU BAIN'T SIGNALLIN' TO GERMANY?"] + + * * * * * + +JOHNSON. + + When the task of training scholars Johnson manfully essayed + At a school whose Eton collars were the finest ever made, + It was largely lack of dollars drove him to the teaching trade. + + Nature meant, had Fate allowed, him to command a t.b.d., + Both his parents gladly vowed him to the service of the sea, + But the Navy doctors ploughed him for some _itis_ of the knee. + + Yet, in spite of this embargo, he had spent each Oxford vac. + In a tramp as supercargo or on board a fishing-smack, + Till of sailors' lore and _argot_ he was full as he could pack. + + In the sphere of gerund-grinding Johnson wasn't a success; + Boys are overprone to finding fault with masters who transgress + Rules which they consider binding in regard to form and dress. + + Johnson's taste was always slightly _outré_ in his ties and caps; + Furthermore he never rightly saw the fun of booby traps; + And he clouted, none too lightly, boys who larked with watertaps. + + Some considered him half-witted, or at best a harmless freak; + Some reluctantly admitted that he knew a lot of Greek; + All agreed he was unfitted for the calling of a "beak." + + So, reluctantly returning to their mid-autumnal grind, + Nearly all the boys, on learning Mr. Johnson had resigned, + Showed the usual undiscerning acquiescence of their kind. + + Thus he passed unmourned, unheeded, by nine boys in ev'ry ten, + And as week to week succeeded, bringing Christmas near again, + Quite a miracle was needed to recall him to their ken. + + Deeds that merit lasting glory almost daily leap to light; + But one morning brought a story which was "excellently bright," + And the Head, _rotunda ore_, read it out in Hall that night. + + 'Twas a tale of nerve unshrinking--of a "sweeper" off the Tyne, + Which had rescued from a sinking trawler, shattered by a mine, + Though a submarine was slinking in her wake, a crew of nine. + + Well, you won't be slow in guessing at the gallant skipper's name, + Or from whom the most caressing message to the hero came-- + Boys are generous in redressing wrongs for which they are to blame. + + Johnson still continues "sweeping," in the best of trim and cheer, + As indifferent to reaping laurels as immune from fear, + While five hundred boys are keeping friendly watch on his career. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OUTCAST. + +A PLACE IN THE SHADOW.] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Tuesday, 2nd February._--First business on +resumption of sittings after Recess was issue of writ for election of +Member for Shipley Division of Yorkshire to fill the seat of PERCY +ILLINGWORTH, whose place on Treasury Bench and in Whips' Room will +know him no more. + +Herein a tragedy notable even amid absorbing interest of the War. When +in last week of November House adjourned for recess, the CHIEF +LIBERAL WHIP was in what seemed to be perfection of health. A +little tired perhaps with exhausting labour of prolonged Session, but +cheerily looking forward to interval of comparative rest. Physically +and intellectually in the prime of life, he had happy constitutional +turn of making the best of everything. A good sportsman, a famed +footballer, healthy in mind and body, he habitually counteracted +influence of sedentary life by outdoor exercise. If one had cast an eye +round Benches on both sides and estimated which was the most likely +man for whose county or borough a writ would, on reassembling of +Parliament, be moved to fill vacancy created by his death, one would +last of all have thought of PERCY ILLINGWORTH. + +Two years ago selection by PRIME MINISTER of a young, +comparatively unknown, inexperienced man to fill important post of +Chief Ministerial Whip was regarded with some surprise. That shrewd +judge of character and capacity as usual justified by the event, +ILLINGWORTH speedily made his mark. Courteous in manner, frank +in speech, swift and capable in control of circumstance, he gained, +and in increasing measure maintained, that confidence and personal +popularity indispensable to the successful Whip. + +Pleasant for his many friends to think that he lived long enough +to have conferred upon him a Privy Councillorship--a simple title, +but good enough for PEEL and GLADSTONE, and for +DIZZY throughout the plenitude of his prime. + +It was not without emotion that GULLAND, promoted to the Chair +in the Whips' Room vacated by his esteemed Leader, moved the writ. He +was comforted and encouraged by hearty cheers, not wholly confined to +Ministerial side, approving the PREMIER'S choice. + +Full but not crowded attendance such as usually foregathers on +opening days of the school at Westminster. Khaki-clad warriors moving +about House and Lobbies with martial step suggested explanation of +falling-off. Two hundred Members are at the Front on active service, a +score or more engaged in civilian service in connection with the War. + +Business brief, curiously lifeless. Only one Question on Printed Paper +where in ordinary times not unusual to find two hundred. On motion +for adjournment, made within twenty minutes of SPEAKER'S +taking the Chair, number of desultory topics were introduced by way of +cross-examination of Ministers. No disposition shown to pursue them in +controversial mood. At 4.30 House adjourned. + +[Illustration: PROMOTED TO THE CHAIR IN THE WHIPS' ROOM. + +(MR. J. W. GULLAND.)] + +[Illustration: ON THE OLD TACK. + +(MR. GINNELL.)] + +_Business done._--Both Houses reassembled after Winter Recess. In +Commons PREMIER announced that Government will take the whole +time for official business. Private Members and their Bills thus +shunted, it will not be necessary to meet on Fridays. + +_Wednesday._--Gloom that lies like a pall over House momentarily lifted +by unexpected agency. As at the circus when things are drifting into +dullness the Clown suddenly enters, displacing monotony by merriment, +so when Questions about enemy alien and the sacredness of the rights of +private Members had droned along for some time Mr. GINNELL, +who classifies himself as "an Independent Nationalist," presented +himself from below Gangway. First distinguished himself above common +horde on occasion of election of SPEAKER at opening sitting of +present Parliament. The SPEAKER being as yet non-existent, the +authority of the Chair undelegated, he had House at his mercy. Might +talk as long as he pleased, say what he thought proper, with none to +call him to order. Used opportunity to make violent personal attack on +SPEAKER-DESIGNATE. + +Up again now on same tack. Appears that yesterday he handed in at +the Table two Bills he proposed to carry through. No record of the +procedure on to-day's Paper. Mr. GINNELL smelt a rat. He +"saw it moving in the air" in person of the SPEAKER, who +was "perverting against the House powers conferred on him for the +maintenance of its functions and its privileges." Mr. GINNELL +not sort of man to stand this. Proposed to indict SPEAKER for +misconduct. But not disposed to be unreasonable; always ready to oblige. + +"If," he said, addressing the SPEAKER, "I should be out of +order now, may I to-morrow call attention to your conduct in the Chair?" + +SPEAKER cautiously replied that before ruling on the point he +would like to see the terms of motion put down on the Paper. + +Thereupon Mr. GINNELL proceeded to read a few remarks not +entirely complimentary to the SPEAKER, which for greater +accuracy he had written out on what PRINCE ARTHUR once alluded +to as a sheet of notepaper. Holding this firmly with both hands, lest +some myrmidon of the Chair should snatch it from him, he emphasised +his points by bobbing it up and down between his chin and his knee. +Whilst primarily denunciatory of the SPEAKER he had a word to +say in reproof of PRIME MINISTER, whose concession to private +Members of opportunity for an hour's talk on motion for adjournment +he described as being "like cutting off a private Member's head, then +clipping off a portion of his ear and throwing it to his relatives." + +_Business done._--Without division House consented that Government +business shall have precedence on every day the House sits. +PREMIER in exquisite phrases lamented the early cutting-off +of PERCY ILLINGWORTH, of whom he said: "No man had imbibed +and assimilated with more zest and sympathy that strange, indefinable, +almost impalpable atmosphere compounded of old traditions and of +modern influences which preserves, as we all of us think, the unique +but indestructible personality of the most ancient of the deliberative +assemblies of the world." + +Impossible more fully and accurately to describe that particular +quality of the House of Commons which every one who intimately knows it +feels but would hesitate to attempt to define. + +_Thursday._--Noble Lords are studiously and successfully disposed to +conceal passing emotion. Masters of themselves though China fall, +even should it drag down with it Japan and Korea. Return of Lord +LANSDOWNE after prolonged bout of illness, an event so popular +that it broke through this iron shield of hereditary conventionality. +His reappearance welcomed from both sides with hearty cheer, in volume +more nearly approaching House of Commons habit than what is familiar in +the Lords. + +LEADER OF OPPOSITION is unquestionably one of the most highly +esteemed among Peers. There have been crises in history of present +Parliament when, through attitude taken by extreme partisans, he has +found himself in difficult situation. Invariably circumvented it. +Without making pretension to be a Parliamentary orator--pretension of +any kind is foreign to his nature--he has the gift of saying the right +thing in appropriate words at the proper moment. Looks a little worn +down with long seclusion in sick chamber. But, as the House noticed +with satisfaction gracefully reflected by Lord CREWE, "is +unimpaired in his power of Parliamentary expression." + +This afternoon, to debate on Lord PARMOOR'S Bill amending +Defence of Realm Act he contributed a weighty speech instinct with +sound constitutional principles. + +_Business done._--In Commons MCKENNA found opportunity of +refuting by statement of simple facts circumstantial fables about Home +Office patronage of ex-German waiters. Supplementary Estimates for +Civil Service voted. House counted out at 5.40. Adjourned till Monday. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PEOPLE WHO OUGHT TO BE INTERNED. + +"I MIGHT LET HAROLD GO TO THE FRONT IF I THOUGHT IT REALLY +NECESSARY. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY BOYS WHO ARE MORE USED TO ROUGHING. +YOU SEE, HAROLD HAS BEEN SO VERY CAREFULLY BROUGHT UP."] + + * * * * * + +ST. VALENTINE'S DAY, 1915. + +_A Missive from the Front._ + + Ere the first grey dawn has banished + Restless night and her alarms, + When the sleeper's snores have vanished + On the order "Stand to arms!" + When the sky is bleak and dreary + And the rain is chill and thin, + Be I ne'er so damp and weary, + Yet my thoughts on You I pin. + + When the bullets fly unheeded + O'er the meagre parapet, + As I pace my ditch impeded + By the squelching mud and wet; + When I eat my Army ration + With my fingers caked in clay-- + You can stake your total cash on + Me remembering You this day. + + Though the glittering knight whose charger + Bore him on his lady's quest + With an infinitely larger + Share of warfare's pomp was blest, + Yet he offered love no higher, + No more difficult to quench, + Than this filthy occupier + Of an unromantic trench. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Recruit_ (_who had given his age as 33 on enlistment_). +"DID YOU 'EAR THAT? TOLD ME MY BRIDLE WASN'T PUT ON RIGHT! BLESS +'IS BLOOMIN' INNOCENCE! AND ME BIN IN A RACIN' STABLE FOR THE LAST +FIVE-AND-THIRTY YEAR!"] + + * * * * * + +A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA. + +IV. + +MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In case you formed any mental pictures +of my first Christmas as a Territorial in India, let me hasten to +assure you that every single one of them was wrong. I neither took +part in the uproarious festivities of the Barracks nor shared the more +dignified rejoicings of the Staff Office in which I am condemned for a +time to waste my military talents. An unexpected five days' holiday, +and a still more unexpected windfall of Rs. 4 as a Christmas Box +(fabulous gift for an impecunious private) enabled me to pay a visit +to some relatives, who live at, well ----. One has to be careful. The +Germans are getting desperate, and they would give worlds to know +exactly where I am. + +---- is a place rich in historical interest and scenic beauties. +Freed from the rigid bonds of military discipline and the still more +hampering restrictions of official routine, I was at liberty to enjoy +them to the full. It was the opportunity of a lifetime to see something +of the real India. Did I take it? No, _Mr. Punch_, to be honest, I did +not. + +After hundreds of years (so it seems) of Army active service rations, +of greasy mess tins and enamelled iron mugs, I found myself suddenly +confronted by civilised food waiting to be eaten in a civilised +fashion. And I fell. Starting with _chota hazri_ at 7 A.M., I +ate steadily every day till midnight. That is how I spent my holiday. I +may as well complete this shameful confession; it was the best time I +ever had in my life. + +I feel confident that my stomachic feats will never be forgotten in +----. I shouldn't be surprised if in years to come the natives are +found worshipping a tree trunk or stone monolith rudely carved into the +semblance of an obese Territorial. It is pleasant to think that one may +even have founded a new religion. + +But I am grieved and troubled about one thing. I ate plantains and +guavas and sweet limes and Cape gooseberries and pomolos and numberless +other Indian fruits (O bliss!), but not custard apples. Custard apples, +it appears, are the best of all, and they went out of season just +before I arrived in India and will not come into season again for +months and months. + +I am confident that you will appreciate my predicament. I want the War +to finish quickly, but I want to eat custard apples. I want to get to +the Front and have a go at the Germans, but I desire passionately to +eat custard apples. I want to get home again to you, but after all I +have heard about them I feel that my life will have been lived in vain +if I do not eat custard apples. It is a trying position. + +Home was very much in my thoughts at Christmas time. The fact of having +relatives around me, the plum pudding, the mince pies, the mistletoe, +the clean plates, the china cups and saucers, the crackers, the +cushions, the absence of stew,--all these and many other circumstances +served to remind me vividly of the old life in England. And when +regretfully I left ----, and (like a true soldier cheerfully running +desperate risks) travelled back in a first-class carriage with a +third-class ticket, I found at the Office yet another reminder of home +and the old days. My kindly colleagues had determined that I should not +feel I was in a strange land amid alien customs. They had let all the +work accumulate while I was away and had it waiting for me in a vast +pile on my return. + +That is why this is such a short letter. + + Yours ever, + + ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +THE CHEERY DOGS. + +I.--_Mr. A._ + +"Well, what have we done?--that's what I want to know. Where are the +Germans? In France and Belgium. Where are we? This side of them. Where +is their Navy? Still only too active. And so it goes on. My dear +fellow, I like to be cheerful, but you give me no material to do it on. +The cold truth is that we are just where we were months ago. 'Time is +on our side,' you say. May be; but the War can't go on for ever, and +meanwhile look at things here--food rising, coal rising, distress all +around. What do you think the income-tax is going to be soon? Ha! Still +it does not do to air these opinions and doubts. We must all be gay. +That is our first duty." + +II.--_Mr. B._ + +"Yes, of course there's Russia, as you say. But what is Russia? You +know what Russia is. They've no heart in fighting, and I'm told that +many personages in high places, and one very high indeed, are moving +at this moment towards peace. That would be a nice thing, wouldn't it? +It would liberate all the East frontier men and guns to come over to +the West. And there's another thing about Russia too--how is it to get +any more ammunition into the country with Archangel frozen? I suppose +you know that we have been supplying them with ammunition ever since +the start; and there's precious little left, I can tell you. You didn't +know that? You surprise me. No, it doesn't do to lean too much on +Russia. And money too. Where is that coming from? For ultimately, you +know, all wars are fought with money. We shall have to find that too. +So it isn't too easy to grin, is it? And yet I flatter myself that I +succeed in conveying an impression of distinct optimism." + +III.--_Mr. C._ + +"Well, of course, if all the naturalised Germans in this country are +not interned we have only ourselves to thank if we are completely +conquered. Think of the terrible advantage to the enemy to have waiters +spying on the guests in hotels and at once communicating with Berlin! +What chance have we if that kind of thing goes on? I was in an hotel at +Aylesbury only yesterday, and I am sure a waiter there was a German, +although he was called Swiss. He watched everything I ate. I tell you +there are German spies everywhere. What can a waiter at Aylesbury +tell Berlin? Ah! that's what we don't understand. But something of +the highest moment and all to our disadvantage in war. But we have +spies too? Never. I can't believe that England would ever be clever +enough to make use of any system of secret service. No, Sir, we're back +numbers. Still, it mustn't get out. We must all pretend, as I do, that +everything is all right." + +IV.--_Mr. D._ + +"I don't like the look of things in America, I can assure you. +Anything but satisfactory. DERNBURG'S a clever fellow and the +politicians can't forget what the German vote means to them. I see +nothing but trouble for us there. This Shipping Purchase Bill--that's +very grave, you know; and they don't like us--it's no use pretending +that they do. I read an extract only this morning from a most +significant article in _The Wells Fargo Tri-Weekly Leaflet_ which shows +only too clearly how the wind is blowing. No, I view America and its +share in the future with the gloomiest forebodings, although of course +I do my best to conceal them. To the world I turn as brave a face as +anyone, I trust." + +V.--_Mr. E._ + +"I don't doubt the bravery of the French; but what I do say is, where +is the advance we were promised? Nibbling is all very well, but +meanwhile men are dying by the thousand, and the Germans are still in +the invaded country. I hear too of serious disaffection in France. +There's a stop-the-war party there, growing in strength every day. +We'll have 'em here soon, mark my words. The French have no stomach for +long campaigns. They want their results quickly, and then back to their +meals again. I take a very serious view of the situation, I can tell +you, although I do all I can to keep bright and hopeful, and disguise +my real feelings." + +VI.--_Mr. F._ + +"This activity of the German submarines is most depressing. Man for +man we may have a better navy, but when it comes to submarines they +beat us. What kind of chance have we against these stealthy invisible +death-dealers? They're the things that are going to do for us. I can +see it coming. But I keep the fact to myself as much as possible--one +must not be a wet blanket." + +VII.--_Mr. G._ + +"If only we had a decent government, instead of this set of weaklings, +I should feel more secure. But with this Cabinet--some of them +pro-Germans at heart, if the truth were known--what can you expect? +Still, one must not drag party politics in now. We must be solid for +the country, and if anyone raises his voice against the Liberals in my +presence he gets it hot, I can tell you. None the less a good rousing +attack by BONAR LAW on the Government, root and branch, every +few days would be a grand thing. As I always say, the duty of the +Opposition is to oppose." + +And these are not all. + + * * * * * + +REVERSES. + +(_From the Front._) + + Just a line to let you know, Jim, howall goes. + Well, in spite of Bosches, rain and mud and muck, + I've had nothing to complain of as I knows + Till last week, when comes a run of rotten luck. + + First, a Black Maria busts aside o' me, + And I lost, well, I should say a hundred fags! + Then I goes and drops a fine mouth-organ--see? + And it sinks in one of these here slimy quags. + + Then I chucks my kit down when we charged next day + (You've no use for eighty pounds odd when you sprints), + And while we was at it, what d' yer think, mate, eh? + Why, some blighter pinched my tin o' peppermints! + + Crool luck, warn't it? But I'm pretty bobbish still-- + Here's the Surgeon come, a very decent bloke; + I'm in horspital, I should 'a' said--not ill, + Just my right leg crocked and four or five ribs broke. + + * * * * * + +First Lessons in Seamanship. + +Extract from the CHURCHILL interview:-- + + "Pacing his room thoughtfully, Mr. Churchill paused before a globe + which he twirled round in his fingers like the rudder of a ship." + + * * * * * + +This is "What 'Roger' Hears" in _The Northampton Daily Chronicle_:-- + + "That a burglar entered 34, Birchfield road, Northampton, last + evening, and decamped with several articles of jewellery while the + residents, Mr. and Mrs. Mace, were out for an hour and a half. + + That the Belgian guests who are being so generously entertained by the + Mount Pleasant friends were present, and rendered musical items." + +On police whistles, we hope. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small boy._ "WHAT'S ON THE POSTER, MOTHER?" + +_Mother._ "ONLY 'MORE GAINS AND LOSSES,' BUT WHETHER ON OUR SIDE OR +THE OTHER IT DOESN'T SAY."] + + * * * * * + +BROKEN MELODIES. + +"Aren't music publishers maddening?" said Clarice. "Here's a tune that +promises awfully well, and breaks off suddenly." + +I went over to the piano. + +On the music-rest was a sheet of music, back to front, showing the +opening bars of several songs the publishers wished to commend to our +notice; appetisers, as it were. + +Clarice played the opening bars, the only ones which were given. + +"Please continue," I said; "I'm beginning to like it already." + +"How can I?" said Clarice. "How do I know how it goes on? It's simply +maddening." + +"Aren't there any rules?" I said. "What I mean is, don't certain notes +follow certain other notes?" + +"Not necessarily," said Clarice. "Why should they?" + +"Why shouldn't they?" I persisted. "In hockey, footer, billiards and +the other arts certain movements are inevitably followed by certain +consequences. It ought to be the same in music. However, as a poet +it is the words which really interest me. Listen to this: '_Somebody +whispered to me yestre'en, Somebody whispered to me, And my heart gave +a flutter and_--' Ah, of course I know--_and I trod on the butter_." + +"_Which soon wasn't fit to be seen_," said Clarice. + +"Bravo," I said, "very soulful. Now look at the one above it: '_The +rosy glow of summer is on thy dimpled cheek, While_----' There's a +poser for you." + +"Oh, how pretty!" said Clarice. "And listen to the tune." She played +what notes there were two or three times over. "I really must get that +one," she added. + +"Do," I said. "I should like to hear more about that girl. These +publishers know how to whet one's appetite, don't they? By Jove, here's +a gem--'_I sat by the window dreaming, In the hush of eventide, Of +the_----' Now what does one dream about at that time?" + +"You dream of dinner chiefly, I've noticed," said Clarice. + +"That's the idea," I said. "_Of the soup (tomato) steaming, The steak +and mushrooms fried._ Who's the publisher?" + +"Crammer," said Clarice. + +I took up another sheet of music and hunted for more treasure. "Here's +something fruity," I said, "published by Scarey and Co.: '_Oh, the +lover hills are happy at the dawning of the day; There are winds to +kiss and bless us, there is_----'" + +"What?" said Clarice. + +"How should I know?" I said. "Let's get the song and find out. Get them +all, in fact." + +"Do you think we ought to?" said Clarice. + +"Yes, certainly," I said. "It's good for trade. My motto is 'Music as +Usual during the War.'" + + * * * * * + +The Contractor's Touch. + +From a label on a tin of Army jam:-- + + "DAMSON AND APPLE, + + From Seville Oranges and Refined Sugar only." + +Thus monotony is avoided. + + * * * * * + + "In standing at ease recruits _will_ not carry the left leg twelve + paces to the left, and balance the body on both legs equally."--_Royal + Magazine._ + +Probably they think that they would not feel really at ease if they +did. Personally we find that two paces and a half is our limit. + + * * * * * + +MORE THAN TWO. + +_Host._ No, please don't sit there. + +_1st Guest._ Oh yes, I much prefer it. + +_2nd Guest._ Do let me. + +_Host._ I can't have you sitting there. + +_1st Guest._ I assure you I like being back to the driver. + +_Host._ No, if anyone sits there, naturally it must be me. + +_2nd Guest._ Do let me. + +_1st Guest._ Not at all. + +_2nd Guest._ I assure you I prefer it too. + +_Host._ No, sit here. When you're both comfortably settled, I'll get in. + +_1st Guest._ Oh no, please. I'm sure you never sit there. I hate to +take away your own place. + +_2nd Guest._ Do let me. + +_Host._ I insist. + +_1st Guest._ Please don't say any more about it. See, I'm in now and +quite comfy. + +_Host._ It's very wrong of you to be there. + +_2nd Guest._ Do let me. + +_Host._ Can't I persuade you to change? + +_1st Guest._ No. + +_2nd Guest._ Do let me. + +_Host._ Well, it's very wrong. I know that. + +_1st Guest_. Please let us get on now. I never was more comfy in my +life. + +_Host._ You're sure? + +_2nd Guest._ Do let me. + +_Host._ But it's most unsatisfactory. + +_1st Guest._ Not at all. + +_Host._ Then you're sure you're all right? + +_1st Guest._ Absolutely. I love it here. + +_Host._ Very well then. (_Sighs._) + +_2nd Guest._ Do let me. + +_1st Guest._ No, we're all fixed now. + +_Host._ All right. (_To chauffeur_) Let her go! (_To 1st Guest_) It's a +great shame, though. + +_1st Guest._ I love it. + +_2nd Guest._ I do wish you had let me. + +And that is what happens whenever three polite people are about to ride +in a motor-car. + + * * * * * + +Shares. + + "A purse, containing sum of money; owner can have some."--_Advt. in + "Portsmouth Evening News._" + +And the finder may keep the rest for his trouble. + + * * * * * + +_The Daily Chronicle_ (Kingston, Jamaica) says of the new Military +Decoration:-- + + "It is of silver, and bears the imperial crown on each arm and in the + centre the letters 'G.R.I.' (George, ex-Imperator)." + +At least that's WILLIAM'S interpretation of it. + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"A BUSY DAY." + +I have always wanted to be a grocer. To spend the morning arranging +the currants in the window; to spend the afternoon recommending (with +a parent's partiality) such jolly things as bottled gooseberries and +bloater paste; to spend the evening examining the till and wondering if +you have got off the bad half-crown yet--that is a life. Many grocers, +I believe, do not realise it, and envy (foolishly enough) the dramatic +critic, knowing little of the troubles hidden behind his apparently +spotless shirt-front; but even they will admit that to be a grocer for +an hour would be fun. + +[Illustration: CLEAN BRITISH HUMOUR. + +(_As the saying is._) + +MR. HAWTREY AND MISS COMPTON EXCHANGE BADINAGE OVER A BAR OF +SOAP.] + +And that (very nearly) was _Lord Charles Temperleigh's_ luck. Being a +spendthrift he was kept at The Bungalow, Ashford, without money; he +escaped to the shop of his old nurse at Mudborough, with the idea of +borrowing from her--and if you are a clever dramatist you can easily +arrange that he should be left alone in the shop and mistaken for the +genuine salesman. Unfortunately for my complete happiness (and no doubt +_Lord Charles's_ too) the shop was a chandler's; however, if that is +not the rose, it is at least very near it. The chandler sells soap and +the grocer sells cheese, and you can make a joke about the likeness as +Mr. R. C. CARTON did. And if _Lord Charles_ should happen to +be Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY and he should be accompanied by Miss +COMPTON, you can understand that this and other jokes would +lose nothing in their delivery. + +Yet somehow the shop scene was not the success it should have +been. The First and Third Acts were better; they left more to Mr. +HAWTREY. When Mr. CARTON is trying to be funny, +even Mr. HAWTREY cannot help him much; but when he is taking +it easily then he and Mr. HAWTREY together are delightful. +Mr. EDWARD FITZGERALD as an Irish waiter was a joy. Miss +COMPTON was Miss COMPTON; if you like her (as I +do), then you like her. The others had not much chance. It is a +HAWTREY evening, and (as such) an oasis in a desert of War +thoughts. + + M. + + * * * * * + +A PRELUDE. + + ["Birds in London are already growing alive to the approach of + Spring."--_The Times._] + + A portly, fancy-vested thrush, + That carolled, on a wintry spray, + A crazy song of Spring-time--Hush! + No, not the one + By MENDELSSOHN + Victorian Britons used to play, + But just the sort of casual thing + An absent-minded bird might sing. + + Observing whom--"Alas," I said, + "Good friend, how premature your theme! + By some phenomenon misled, + You've overshot + The date a lot; + Things are so seldom what they seem!" + "Then hear the simple truth," quoth he, + "For that's another rarity. + + "There is a foreign, furious man, + That sends great engines through the air + To deal destruction where they can, + To rain their fires + On ancient spires, + Ousting the birds that settle there, + And agitates, of fixed intent, + Our pleasaunce in the firmament. + + "And everybody says the Spring + Will see him pay the price of it, + So that is why I choose to sing + What isn't true-- + But as for you, + Be off and do your little bit! + It's not for you to stand and quiz-- + The season's _what I say it is!_" + + * * * * * + + "A Chicago Reuter message says that Hugh Henderson has won the + American draughts championship by defeating Alfred Jordan, the London + champion. + + Draught horses were in most demand at Aldridge's, St. Martin's-lane, + yesterday, and the sums obtained ranged from 30gs. to 49gs." + + _Daily Telegraph_. + +The forty-nine guinea one has challenged HUGH HENDERSON. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _East Coast Farmer._ "HAVE I REALLY TO DO THIS WI' +ALL MY BEASTS, IF SO BE AS THE GERMANS LAND IN THESE PARTS?" + +_Officer._ "YES. LIVE STOCK OF EVERY DESCRIPTION HAS TO BE BRANDED +AND DRIVEN WEST." + +_Farmer._ "I CAN SEE MY WAY ALL RIGHT EXCEPT FOR MY BEES. WHAT AM I +TO DO WI' MY BEES?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +There are few living writers of romance who can carry the sword and +doublet with the ease of Miss MARJORIE BOWEN. She has long +since proved herself a practised mistress of mediævalism, and _The +Carnival of Florence_ (METHUEN) finds her therefore on sure +ground. It is a pleasantly stimulating tale of love and adventure +in the days of SAVONAROLA. The heroine is one _Aprilis_, a +fair Florentine whose matrimonial affairs were complicated by the +fact that early in the story she had been abducted (strictly _pour +le bon motif_ in order to score off the gentleman to whom she was +then engaged) by the too notorious PIERO DEI MEDICI. The +unfortunate results were twofold, for though _Aprilis_ was returned +unharmed to her father's house her noble betrothed would have no more +of her, so she had to put up with another husband who took her for +charity, and to suffer in addition the pangs of unrequited love for the +Lord of Florence whom she was unable to forget. What happened--how the +MEDICI were turned from their heritage, and the part played in +all this by the grim Revivalist of San Marco--is the matter of a story +well worth reading. As is his way with tales in which he appears, the +figure of SAVONAROLA comes gradually to dominate the whole; +did he not even master GEORGE ELIOT? The present story is +dedicated "In Memory of Florence, Summer 1914." Presumably, therefore, +Miss BOWEN shares with me certain memories that have been very +vividly recalled by her pages--memories of a June evening when, as +in the days of which she writes, the Piazza della Signoria echoed to +the clash of swords and the tumult of an angry mob. That it has thus +reminded me of what would, but for greater happenings since, have been +one of my most thrilling chimney-corner reminiscences, is among the +pleasures that I owe to a stirring and successful novel. + + * * * * * + +Among my favourite gambits in fiction is the return to his impoverished +home of one who left it a supposed wastrel, and has now lots and lots +of money. Personally, if I have a preference, it is that my wanderer +should be at first unrecognised; but I am perhaps too fastidious. +Certainly I am not going to complain about _Big Tremaine_ (MILLS +AND BOON) just because when he came back to the Virginian township +that he had quitted as a bank thief his old coloured nurse saw through +him in once. There is, of course, Homeric precedent for the situation; +it is one that, deftly handled, can scarcely fail of its effect. And +the story of _Big Tremaine_ is very deftly handled almost all through. +MARIE VAN VORST evidently knows the gentle Southern life +thoroughly; her pictures of it have served to increase my conviction +that Virginia must be one of the pleasantest places on earth. Not less +true and delicate is her treatment of the relations between masterful +_Tremaine_ and the gently obstinate mother who turns so slowly from +distrust to adoration of her returned son. There are, in short, a great +many qualities in this story that I have found vastly agreeable. Also +what seems to me one big defect. But as this latter is so far essential +that without it there would be no story I am unable further to tell +you about it. Still, I am bound to say that its revelation was a nasty +shock to my admiration, which had been roused more than anything else +by the sincerity and unconventionality of the argument. This is a +matter on which you shall pass your own verdict. Mine would be "A Happy +Ending committed through unjustified fear of the libraries"; and in +view of the charm of her earlier chapters I should discharge the author +with a friendly caution. + + * * * * * + +Most of us might freely confess to some vagueness in our minds as to +"the social and economic state of things in the Prairie Provinces of +the Dominion," and not a few of us are ready to spend five shillings +and a leisure hour or two in finding out for certain, if only to be +prepared with a refuge in the event of England being Teutonised. Miss +E. B. MITCHELL, the author of _In Western Canada Before the +War_ (MURRAY), knows her subject at first hand and deals +with the right matter in the right manner for our purpose; that is to +say, she is discriminating in her selection of topics and is always +pleasant if never violently exciting or amusing in her treatment of +them. The book is short, as such books should be; it does not pretend +to be exhaustive, yet it leaves a very clear and precise impression +on the mind. But (and every intelligent reader will have been waiting +for this "but") why on earth should it be called _In Western Canada +Before the War_, seeing that it was clearly written without any thought +of the present European conditions and would have been published just +about this time even if we had been at peace with everybody everywhere? +The only reference in point which I can recall is a passing wonder +expressed in a few lines as to what, if any, effect Armageddon will +have in Canada; this is hardly enough, I fancy, to justify the topical +suggestion of the cover. I cannot help feeling that the object of the +last three words of that title was less literary than commercial. + +[Illustration: _Voice on telephone (from Berlin)._ "WELL, HAVE YOU +DAMMED THE SUEZ CANAL YET?" + +_Turk._ "YES--OFTEN!"] + +_In the City of Under_ (ARNOLD) shows Miss EVELYNE +RYND to have quite a pretty talent in the not unattractive _genre_ +of fantastic incoherence something after the pattern of _The Napoleon +of Notting Hill_, though in a less robustious mood. But I doubt if +talent (however pretty) is altogether sufficient to carry the reader +through three hundred pages with no possible clue as to what it is +really all about. All the same I do, in justice and most gladly, say +that the author keeps one piqued to the extent of wishing to find +out; one also loses all suspicion of its being an improving book, +and distinctly likes that uncharacteristic Cheltenham boy, _Augustus +Clickson_, who helps little _John Hazard_ to find a job. _John_ was +very small and ineffectual and engaging, and his V.C. father had left +the family wofully ill off, and _John_ felt it was up to him to do +something about it. He meets the _Hawker_, who has a comforting habit +of turning up at odd moments and assuring people that there's a way out +of every difficulty, whereas the old lady, _Mrs. Letitlie_, asserted +roundly and frequently that there was none. Then we have a nice wild +unpractical Professor and a perplexed archæologist who get tangled in +the skein; as also a spy, and, in fact, any old person and thing that +occurred to the writer. There's enough good stuff and good humour in +this queer patchwork to make me sure that any defect is one merely +of form, and I would wager that it was the Notting Hill hero, before +alluded to, that was responsible for setting our author on a dangerous +path. + + * * * * * + +_The Seventh Post Card_ (GREENING) was one of a series written +anonymously, as harbingers of sudden death, to motor-car drivers whose +bad luck or bad management had made them run over a fellow-creature +with capital consequences. Capital, also, for helping on the plot +of the story; for the sudden death really did come off in such a +considerable number of cases that we should have been quite justified +in feeling worried when the delightful _Joanna_, driving the car +belonging to her equally delightful _Jack_, was unfortunate enough to +knock down a tramp; even though the immediate consequences when _Jack_ +found her awakening from unconsciousness by the roadside were--well, +delightful too, and such as could be expected. Indeed, the sadly-worn +word "delightful" seems somehow applicable to the entire string of +clues, deductions, inquests, murders and other horrid thrills, or, at +any rate, to Mr. FLOWERDEW'S telling of them. Is my capability +for melodramatic emotion declining, that I thread this maze of tragic +mystery in a mood no more intense than that of comfortable content? +Perhaps; or it may be only the soothing effect of the author's clean +English, coupled with the conviction that so long as he takes care to +keep _Sir Julian Daymont_--the famous novelist-detective--on their +side, no serious harm can come to the people we care about most. So, +although a really nasty charge of murdering his grandfather turns up +against the hero just when things (but for the number of pages left) +are beginning to look prosperous, I can defy you to get seriously +uneasy about his future; and, sure enough, _Sir Conan_--I mean _Sir +Julian_--solves the problem in convenient time to pack the lovers +safely off on their honeymoon. And, really, what more could you ask for? + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. +148, February 10, 1915, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44933 *** |