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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44933 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 148.
+
+FEBRUARY 10, 1915.
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+"Kultur belongs to my Germans alone," says the KAISER. We were
+not aware that the charge had been brought against any other country.
+
+* * *
+
+"The Indians," complains the _Frankfurter Zeitung_, "have an
+extraordinary way of fighting. They jump up, shoot with wonderful
+precision, and disappear before one has time to notice them properly."
+Our contemporary has evidently not been studying the pages of _Punch_,
+or it would know that the disappearance is worked by the well-known
+Indian trick of throwing a rope into the air and climbing up it.
+
+* * *
+
+Letters from the British troops operating in Damaraland show that the
+prevailing complaint there is with respect to the heat; and a dear and
+very thoughtful old lady writes to suggest that, as our men in Flanders
+dislike the cold, it might be possible to arrange an exchange.
+
+* * *
+
+With reference to the attentions paid by German aeroplanes, the other
+day, to the British provision establishments at Dunkirk, we understand
+that the bombs which were dropped made no impression whatever on our
+bully beef, so famous for its durability.
+
+* * *
+
+The Norwich Liberals have selected as their candidate Lieutenant
+HILTON YOUNG, and it has been decided that the election
+shall not be contested. It is realised that in time of war "_Le monde
+appartient aux Jeunes_."
+
+* * *
+
+In his account of the dynamiting of the C. P. R. bridge over the St.
+Croix river, REUTER tells us that "A German officer who
+has been hanging around the neighbourhood for the past few days has
+been arrested." We have a shrewd idea that he may be hanging in the
+neighbourhood again very shortly.
+
+* * *
+
+We are surprised that the advocates of Mr. WILLETT'S Daylight
+Saving Bill have been so quiet lately. Surely it would be an enormous
+advantage to rush this measure through now so that the Germans may have
+less darkness to take advantage of?
+
+* * *
+
+Dr. HANS RICHTER, the celebrated WAGNER conductor,
+who enjoyed English hospitality for so long, has now expressed the
+hope that Germany may punish England who has so profoundly disgraced
+herself. It is even said that the amiable Doctor asked to be allowed to
+conduct a Parsifal airship to this country.
+
+* * *
+
+Professor KOBERT, of Rostock University, one of Germany's
+best-known chemists, is advocating a mixture of pig's blood and
+rye-meal as a most nutritious form of bread for his countrymen.
+There is, of course, already a certain amount of pig's blood in the
+composition of some Germans.
+
+* * *
+
+Our newspapers really ought to be more careful. We feel quite sure
+that the following paragraph in _The Daily Mail_ will be quoted in
+the German Press as showing the Londoner's fears of a Zeppelin visit:
+"The Golder's Green Training Corps yesterday morning mobilised eighty
+motor-cars and drove out to Harpenden to see how quickly the corps
+could get out of London in case of emergency."
+
+* * *
+
+_The Times_ has been discussing the question as to whether khaki is the
+best protective colour for soldiers. In this connection it is worth
+noting that the uniforms worn by the men of KITCHENER'S Army
+appear to render them almost completely invisible to the correspondents
+of German newspapers in this country, who report that there is only a
+mere handful of these soldiers.
+
+* * *
+
+By the way Colonel MAUDE pointed out recently in _Land and
+Water_ that it is essential that our gunners should be able to watch
+our infantry closing on the enemy, and that in this respect khaki is a
+drawback. We now hear that the wide-awake Germans are taking the hint,
+and that their new uniforms will have scarlet backs, which will not
+only help their artillery, but will act as a powerful deterrent should
+their troops think of running away.
+
+* * *
+
+Extract from a Book Merchant's Catalogue:--"I venture to assert no
+more acceptable gift could be sent to our Heroes on Active Service
+than a few cwts. of Literature. A book is the best of all companions
+and always useful, for one in the breast pocket has been the means of
+saving many a man's life in action." A Society for supplying every
+recruit with a complete set of _The Encyclopædia Britannica_ is now, we
+believe, in process of formation.
+
+* * *
+
+A book which is stated to have been "kept back on account of the war"
+is entitled _Hell's Playground_. One would have thought it would have
+been peculiarly _à propos_.
+
+* * *
+
+A live frog has been discovered embedded in a piece of coal hewn from a
+colliery in the Forest of Dean. It is thought that the colliery owners,
+by means of a series of bonuses like this, intend to make their coal
+look almost worth the price that is now being charged for it.
+
+* * *
+
+Frankly we were not surprised to hear that the moon was full a little
+while ago. In these times our own planet is certainly not a very
+desirable place.
+
+* * *
+
+It is now stated that Herr LIEBKNECHT, the Socialist leader,
+who was called to the colours a few days ago, has been relieved of
+service in the Landwehr. This is most annoying as it throws out all the
+carefully calculated figures of our experts as to the number of men
+Germany is putting into the field.
+
+* * *
+
+Even the Censor nods occasionally. _The Tailor and Cutter_ has been
+allowed to state that a Holborn tailor is making a uniform for a
+sergeant in KITCHENER'S Army who stands 6 ft. 8 ins. high.
+The fact that we have a man of these dimensions in reserve was, we
+understand, to have been one of our surprises for Germany.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Military Enthusiast._ "AUNTIE, DO YOU MIND IF
+I MAKE THE GERMANS WIN JUST ONE BATTLE NOW AND THEN? THEY'RE GETTING
+WORN OUT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MARK OF THE BEAST.
+
+(_With acknowledgments to a cartoon by Mr. WILL DYSON._)
+
+ [In a Munich paper Herr GANGHOFER recites the following
+ remark of the KAISER'S, whose special journalistic confidant
+ he is said to be:--"To possess Kultur means to have the deepest
+ conscientiousness and the highest morality. My Germans possess that."]
+
+  'Tis enough that we know you have said it;
+    We feel that the facts correspond
+  With your speech as a Person of credit,
+    Whose word is as good as his bond;
+  Who are we that our critics should quarrel
+    With the flattering doctrine you preach--
+  That the German, in all that is moral,
+        Is an absolute peach?
+
+  But the puzzle grows odder and odder:
+    If your people are spotless of blame,
+  Being perfectly sound cannon-fodder,
+    Then whose is the fault and the shame?
+  If it's just from a deep sense of duty
+    That they prey upon woman and priest,
+  And their minds are a model of Beauty,
+        Then who is the Beast?
+
+  For a Beast is at work in this matter;
+    We have seen--and the traces endure--
+  The red blood of the innocent spatter
+    The print of his horrible spoor;
+  On their snouts, like the lovers of Circe--
+    Your men that are changed into swine--
+  The Mark of the Beast-without-mercy
+        Is set for a sign.
+
+  You have posed (next to God) as the pillar
+    That steadies the fabric of State,
+  Whence issues the brave baby-killer
+    Supplied with his hymnal of hate;
+  Once known for a chivalrous knight, he
+    Now hogs with the Gadarene herd;
+  Since it can't be the other Almighty,
+        How _has_ it occurred?
+
+  When at last they begin to be weary
+    Of sluicing their virtues in slime,
+  And they put the embarrassing query:--
+    "Who turned us to brutes of the prime?
+  Full of culture and most conscientious,
+    Who made us a bestial crew?
+  Who pounded the poisons that drench us?"--
+        I wouldn't be you.
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLAINT OF A BRITISH DACHSHUND.
+
+DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--I desire to address you on a painful
+subject. Let me state that I am (1) a dachshund of unblemished
+character; (2) a British-born subject; (3) a member of a family which,
+though originally of foreign extraction, has for several generations
+been honourably domiciled in one of the most exclusive and aristocratic
+of our English country seats. Imagine then the surprise and indignation
+experienced by myself, my wife and our only daughter when, shortly
+after the opening of the present unfortunate hostilities between our
+country and a certain continental Power, we found the atmosphere of
+friendly, nay, affectionate respect with which we had so long been
+surrounded becoming gradually superseded by one of suspicion and
+animosity.
+
+The ball was started by Macalister, an Aberdeen terrier of unprincipled
+character, who has never forgiven me for summarily crushing the
+unwelcome advances which he had the bad taste to make last spring to
+my daughter. He had had the impertinence to approach me with a large
+(and, I confess, a distinctly succulent-looking) object, which he
+laid with an oily smile on the ground before my nose. But I had heard
+from Gertrude (my wife) of his attentions to our offspring, and I saw
+through the ruse.
+
+"If you imagine," I said, "for one moment that this insidious offer
+of a stolen bone will induce a gentleman of family to countenance an
+engagement between his daughter and an advertisement for Scotch whisky
+you are greatly mistaken. Be off with you, and never let me see your
+ruffianly whiskers near my basket again!"
+
+Rather severe, no doubt, but when I am deeply moved I seldom mince
+matters; in fact, as a Briton, I prefer to hit out straight from the
+shoulder. In any case, for the time being it settled Macalister.
+
+I say for the time being. In the autumn he had his revenge. One morning
+early in October I was walking down the drive accompanied by a recent
+arrival within our circle, a rather brainless St. Bernard (who gave his
+name with a lisp as "Bwuno"), when we met my child's rejected suitor.
+Since the incident mentioned above I had consistently cut Macalister,
+and I passed him now without recognition. No sooner was he by, however,
+and at a safe distance, than he deliberately turned and snarled over
+his shoulder at me the offensive epithet, "Potsdammer!"
+
+My blood boiled; I longed to bury my teeth in the scoundrel's throat;
+but I remembered that Gertrude had once told me that galloping made me
+look ridiculous. So I affected not to hear the insult, and proceeded,
+outwardly calm, with my morning constitutional. But, for some reason
+or other, Bruno's flow of small talk appeared suddenly to dry up, and
+once or twice I detected him looking at me curiously out of the corners
+of his eyes. Next day, on my calling for him as usual he pleaded a
+cold. His manner struck me as odd; still I accepted his excuse. But
+when the cold had lasted, without any perceptible loss of appetite, for
+a fortnight, and I had seen him meanwhile on two occasions actually
+rabbiting (an absurd pastime for a St. Bernard) with Macalister, I
+saw what had happened and decided to ask him what he meant by it. He
+endeavoured to assume a conciliatory attitude, but the long and short
+of it was, he said, that as a Swiss, and therefore a neutral, it was
+impossible for him to be too careful, and he feared that my society
+might compromise him. I did not argue with him; it would merely have
+involved a loss of dignity to do so.
+
+Since that time, though we have endured in silence, the lot of myself
+and my family has been a hard one. We have been fed and housed as
+usual, it is true, but when one has been accustomed to live on terms
+of the most privileged friendship with a household it is galling to
+find oneself suddenly treated by every member of it, from the butler
+downwards, as a prisoner of war. I am not even allowed now to bite the
+postmen; and I used to enjoy them so much, especially the evening one,
+who wears quite thin trousers. Our only consolation has been the hope
+that our misfortune might be an isolated instance. To-day, however, I
+learn that it is not so. I have discovered by my basket (and I have
+reason to think that they were conveyed thither by the malignant
+Macalister) three humorous (?) sketches depicting members of my race
+in situations which I can only describe as ridiculous, and obviously
+insinuating that they were to be regarded as aliens.
+
+I appeal to you, Sir, as a lover of justice and animals, to put this
+matter right with the public, for the life that a British dachshund has
+to lead at the present moment is what is vulgarly known as a dog's life.
+
+  Yours to the bottom biscuit,      FRITZ.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE RIDDLE OF THE SANDS.
+
+TURKISH CAMEL. "WHERE TO?"
+
+GERMAN OFFICER. "EGYPT."
+
+CAMEL. "GUESS AGAIN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REFUGEE.
+
+"BOBBY DEAR, CAN'T YOU GET MARCELLE TO PLAY WITH YOU
+SOMETIMES?"
+
+"I DO TRY, BUT SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT IT--SHE'S ALWAYS
+KNITTING. I THINK, MOTHER, PERHAPS IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF, FOR THE NEXT
+WAR, WE HAD A BOY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOT WATER.
+
+At the beginning of things I sat outside my tent in the early hours of
+the morning while a stalwart warrior poured buckets of cold water down
+my spine. I felt heroic.
+
+Towards the end of October I began to dislike my servant; I had a
+suspicion he was icing the water. Before November was in I had given up
+sitting outside my tent. My bathing I decided (one cold wet morning)
+should take place under cover, either at the Golf Club or at some
+kindly person's house.
+
+A few days later, not being on duty, I had arranged to dine with the
+Fergusons. In the late afternoon I strode into the Golf Club and had a
+hot bath. From there I wandered into town, where I met Mrs. Johnston.
+
+"Hello!" she said. "I'm just going home. Won't you come with me?"
+
+Mrs. Johnston is one in a thousand.
+
+"Rather," I agreed. "Forward--by the right."
+
+Tea over, my hostess turned to me brightly. "Now," she said, "I know
+what it must be in camp. I'm sure you'd like a nice hot bath," and she
+rang the bell.
+
+Somehow I didn't tell her I'd had one at the Club. You might have
+done differently perhaps, but--well, the little lady was beaming
+hospitality; was it for me to stifle her generous intentions? I thought
+not.
+
+I went upstairs and splashed manfully.
+
+For the third time that day I dressed; then I went downstairs and found
+Johnston.
+
+"Hello," he said. "Been having a bath? Good!"
+
+I stiffened perceptibly at "good."
+
+We chatted a little while, then I breathed my sincere thanks and left
+them.
+
+My arrival at the Fergusons' was rather early, somewhere about
+seven-thirty. I was shown into the drawing-room while the maid went to
+inform Mrs. Ferguson of my arrival. In two minutes she returned.
+
+"Will you come this way, Sir?" she said.
+
+I went that way.
+
+Ten minutes later I emerged from Ferguson's bath and walked into his
+dressing-room. Ferguson had arrived.
+
+"Hello!" he said. "Been having a bath? Good!"
+
+I winced at the word; then I smiled bravely and started to dress--for
+the fourth time.
+
+* * *
+
+It was eleven o'clock when I got back to camp, and I found to my
+surprise that the Mess had been moved from the tent to the new hut.
+
+"Hello!" they said, "how do you like the new quarters?"
+
+I surveyed the bare boards.
+
+"Topping," I replied, "but it's not anywhere near finished."
+
+"No," said the Junior Major, "but the bath's in. Hot water, by Gad! Go
+and have a bath."
+
+I looked at him blankly. "I've had three, Sir, to-day."
+
+I might have known it was foolish; the Junior Major is still young.
+
+"It's up to the subalterns," he suggested, "to see he has No. 4."
+
+They saw to it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Baron von Bissing, the Governor of Belgium," says _The Central News_,
+"has paid a visit to Turnhout and inspected the German guards along
+the Belgo-Dutch frontier." In the whole of our experience we know no
+finer example of self-control than our refusal to play with that word
+Turnhout.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BLOCKADE. A FAIR WARNING.]
+
+NOTICE
+
+ON AND AFTER FEBRUARY 18, ANY MERCHANT SHIP (ENEMY OR NEUTRAL)
+FOUND IN THE MILITARY AREA WITHIN 500 MILES OF THE ATTACHED SUBMARINE
+WILL BE LIABLE TO BE SUNK AT SIGHT, WITH OR WITHOUT HER CREW.
+
+BY ORDER]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN QUAINTEST CINEMALAND.
+
+In these troublous times Cinemaland is about the only foreign country
+in which it is possible to travel for pleasure. It has occurred to me
+that some account of its curious manners and customs may not be without
+interest for such readers as are still unacquainted with them.
+
+As Cinemaland contains many departments, each of which has
+peculiarities of its own, I cannot attempt more than a general
+description.
+
+The chief national industry is the chase of fugitives. In some
+departments this is done on horseback, with a considerable and rather
+aimless expenditure of ammunition; in others by motor car, or along the
+roofs of railway carriages. It seems a healthy pursuit and provides all
+concerned with exercise and excitement. The women are, almost without
+exception, young and extremely prepossessing. Nature has endowed them,
+among other personal advantages, with superb teeth, of which they make
+a pardonably ostentatious display on the slightest provocation. They
+are all magnificent horsewomen and fearless swimmers, and they do not
+in the least mind spoiling their clothes.
+
+In their domestic circles, however, they show a feminine and clinging
+disposition, with a marked tendency to fall in love at first sight with
+any undesirable stranger.
+
+The principal occupation of the children is reconciling estranged
+parents by contracting serious illnesses or getting run over.
+The latter is even easier to manage in Cinemaland than in any
+London thoroughfare. I have seldom, if ever, seen an aged Cinemian
+grandparent, a long-lost wife, or a strayed child try to cross the
+emptiest street without being immediately bowled over by a motor-car.
+The mere wind of it has the strange potency not only of knocking down a
+pedestrian, but inflicting the gravest internal injuries. Fortunately,
+Cinemaland is a country rich in coincidences, so the car is invariably
+occupied by the very person who has been vainly seeking the sufferer
+for years. This of course is some compensation, but, all the same, it
+is hardly the ideal method of running across people one is anxious to
+meet.
+
+The victims are always removed to the nearest hospital, but, if I may
+judge from what I have seen of their wards, I should say that medical
+science in Cinemaland is still in its infancy, and it has never
+surprised me that so many patients die soon after admission.
+
+But then Science of any kind seems to be a dangerous and unprofitable
+occupation there. The inventor, designer, or discoverer of anything
+is simply asking for trouble. If he doesn't blow himself up in his
+laboratory and get blinded for life, some envious rival is certain to
+undertake this for him. Or else a vague villain will steal his formula
+or plans and sell them to a Foreign Power with Dundreary whiskers. And
+the extraordinary part of it is that no Cinemian has ever invented
+anything yet of which the secret could possibly be worth more than
+twopence. I fancy the stealing must be done from sheer wanton devilry.
+
+Crime in Cinemaland is invariably detected sooner or later, though I
+doubt if it would be but for a careless practice among criminals there
+of carrying in their breastpockets the document that proves their
+guilt. They seem to have a superstitious idea that to destroy it would
+bring them bad luck.
+
+The exterior of a private mansion in a fashionable Cinemian suburb is
+stately and imposing, but the interior is generally disappointing,
+the rooms being small and overcrowded with furniture that is showy
+without being distinguished. In some houses the owners appear to have a
+taste for collecting antiques and to have been grossly imposed upon by
+dealers.
+
+It is usual for young couples with a very moderate income to keep
+not only a smart parlourmaid but a butler as well. The manner of all
+Cinemian domestics is one of exaggerated deference; an ordinary English
+employer would be painfully embarrassed if his servants bowed to him so
+low and so often, but they appear to like it in Cinemaland.
+
+Social etiquette there has exigencies that are all its own. For
+example, a guest at an evening party who happens to lose a brooch or
+necklace is expected at once to stop the festivities by complaining
+to her hostess and insisting on a constable being called in to search
+everybody present. It might be thought that Cinemian Society would have
+learnt by this time that the person in whose possession the missing
+article is discovered is absolutely sure to be innocent. But the
+supposed culprit is always hauled off (with quite unnecessary violence)
+to prison, amidst the scorn and reprobation of the hostess and her
+other guests. It is true they make the handsomest amends afterwards,
+which are gratefully accepted, but in any other country the hostess's
+next invitation to any social function would be met with the plea of
+a previous engagement. If these amiable and impulsive people _have_ a
+failing, I should say it was a readiness to believe the worst of one
+another on evidence which would not hang an earwig.
+
+They are indefatigable letter-writers, but, after having had the
+privilege of inspecting numerous examples of their correspondence, I
+am compelled to own that, while their penmanship is bold and legible,
+their epistolary style is apt to be a trifle crude.
+
+The clergy of Cinemaland all wear short side whiskers and are a
+despised and servile class who appear to derive most of their
+professional income from marrying runaway couples in back parlours.
+
+In certain departments it is a frequent practice to dress up in Federal
+and Confederate uniforms and engage in desperate conflict. I have
+witnessed battles there with over a hundred combatants on each side.
+There was a profusion of flags and white smoke on these occasions, but,
+so far as I was able to observe, no blood was actually shed.
+
+There is another department which is inhabited by a singularly
+high-strung, not to say jerky, race, the women especially betraying
+their emotions with a primitive absence of self-control. There, the
+pleasure of the cause has become a delirious orgy, though much valuable
+time is lost both by pursuers and pursued, owing to an inveterate habit
+of stopping and leaping high at intervals. Squinting is a not uncommon
+affliction, as is also abnormal stoutness, the latter, however, being
+always combined with a surprising agility. In personal encounters,
+which are by no means uncommon, it is considered not only legitimate
+but laudable to kick the adversary whenever he turns his back, and also
+to spring at him, encircle his waist with your legs, and bite his ear.
+The local police are all either overgrown or undersized, and have been
+carefully trained to fall over one another at about every five yards.
+As guardians of the peace, however, I prefer our own force.
+
+I could not have written even so brief an account as this unless I had
+paid many visits to Cinemaland. If I am spared I fully expect to pay
+many more. The truth is that I cannot keep away from the country. Why,
+I can't explain, but I fancy it is because it is so absolutely unlike
+any other country with which I happen to be familiar.
+
+  F. A.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The one seated_ (_reading newspaper of January
+29th_). "'20,000 GERMANS FALLEN IN ATTEMPT AT COUP-DE-MAIN.' CAN
+YER SEE IT? C-O-U-P., D-E., M-A-I-N. STICK A UNION JACK IN
+THERE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ "The practice of compulsorily enrolling men for defence against
+ invasion can be traced from before the time of Alfred the Great, when
+ every man between 18 and 60 had to serve right up to the time of the
+ Napoleonic wars."--_Saturday Review._
+
+It was found, however, that men who had enlisted in ALFRED THE
+GREAT'S time at the age of sixty were of little real use in the
+Napoleonic wars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLEET VISIONS SEEN THROUGH GERMAN EYES.
+
+ [A number of curious facts about the British Army, lately gathered
+ from German sources, may be supplemented by some further information
+ of interest bearing on our Fleet.]
+
+The facts may be obscured for purposes of recruiting, but it remains
+true that British seamen are no better than serfs. Their officers have
+the most complete proprietorship in their persons and can do with
+them what they like, as in the case of the English captain who had a
+favourite shark, which followed his ship, and to which he threw an A.B.
+each morning. That their slavery is acknowledged by the men is shown by
+their custom of referring to the Captain as "The Owner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The savagery of the British Navy has passed into a by-word, and the
+bluejackets popularly go by the name of Jack Tartars.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is all very well for America to protest her neutrality to Berlin,
+but how can we ignore the fact that President WILSON actually
+has a seat on the board of the British Admiralty--where he is known
+as "Tug" WILSON. He is even the author of a work aimed
+deliberately at us, and entitled _Der Tug_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The superstitions of ignorant British seamen, notably the Horse
+Marines, whose credulity has no parallel, is extra-ordinary. Mascots
+are carried on all ships. For instance, no ship's carpenter will ever
+go to sea without a walrus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SELECT CONVERSATIONS.
+
+(_At about three o'clock in the morning._)
+
+AT THE WAR OFFICE.
+
+_Myself._ I want to see Lord KITCHENER, please.
+
+_Policeman._ Quite impossible, Sir.
+
+_Myself_ (_coldly handing card_). I don't think you realise who I am.
+
+_Policeman_ (_much impressed_). This way, Sir.
+
+ [_I ascend the secret staircase, pat the bloodhounds chained outside
+ the sanctum, and enter._
+
+_Kitchener_ (_sternly_). Good morning; what can I do for you?
+
+_Myself_ (_simply_). I have come to offer my services to the War Office.
+
+_Kitchener._ Have you had any previous military experience?
+
+_Myself._ None at all, Sir.
+
+_Kitchener_ (_warmly_). Excellent. The very man we want. You will bring
+an absolutely fresh and unbiassed mind to the problem before us. Sit
+down. (_I sit down._) You have a plan for defeating the Germans? Quite
+so. Now--er--roughly, what would your idea be?
+
+_Myself_ (_waving arm_). Roughly, Sir, a broad sweeping movement.
+
+_Kitchener_ (_replacing ink-pot and getting to work with the
+blotting-paper_). Excellent.
+
+_Myself._ The details I should work out later. I think perhaps I had
+better explain them personally to Sir JOHN FRENCH and General
+JOFFRE.
+
+_Kitchener._ I agree. You will be attached to Sir JOHN'S
+Staff, with the rank of Major. I shall require you to leave for the
+Front to-night. Good day, Major.
+
+ [_We salute each other, and the scene changes._
+
+AT GENERAL HEADQUARTERS.
+
+_French._ Ah, how do you do, Major? We have been waiting for you.
+
+_Myself._ How do you do, Sir? (_To_ JOFFRE, _slowly_) _Comment
+vous portéz-vous?_
+
+_Joffre._ Thank you; I speak English.
+
+_Myself_ (_a little disappointed_). Good.
+
+_French._ Now then, Major, let us hear your plan.
+
+_Myself._ Well, roughly it is a broad sweeping move----I _beg_ your
+pardon, Sir!
+
+_Joffre_ (_with native politeness_). Not at all, Monsieur.
+
+_Myself_ (_stepping back so as to have more room_)--a broad sweeping
+movement. More particularly my idea is----
+
+[It is a curious thing, but I can never remember the rest of this
+speech when I wake up. I know it disclosed a very masterly piece of
+tactics ... the region of the Argonne ... a _point d'appui_.... No, it
+has gone again. But I fancy the word "wedge" came in somewhere.]
+
+_French._ Marvellous!
+
+_Joffre._ _Magnifique!_
+
+_Myself_ (_modestly_). Of course it's only an idea I jotted down on the
+boat, but I think there's something in it.
+
+_French._ My dear Major, you have saved Europe.
+
+_Joffre_ (_unpinning medal from his coat_). In the name of France I
+give you this. But you have a medal already, Monsieur?
+
+_Myself_ (_proudly_). My special constable's badge, General. I shall be
+proud to see the other alongside it.
+
+_The scene fades._
+
+[I can only suppose that at this moment I am moved by the desire to
+save useless bloodshed, for I next find myself with the enemy.]
+
+AT POTSDAM.
+
+_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Ah, my good TIRPITZ, what news of our
+blockade?
+
+_Myself_ (_removing whiskers_). No, WILLIAM, not
+TIRPITZ!
+
+_Kaiser._ An Englishman!
+
+_Myself._ An Englishman--and come to beg you to give up the struggle.
+
+_Kaiser._ Never, while there is breath in man or horse!
+
+_Myself._ One moment. Let me tell you what is about to happen. On my
+advice the Allies are making a broad swee---- Put back your sword,
+Sire. I am not going to strike you--a broad sweeping movement through
+Germany.
+
+_Kaiser_ (_going pale_). We are undone. It is the end of all. And this
+was _your_ idea?
+
+_Myself._ My own, your Majesty.
+
+_Kaiser_ (_eagerly_). Would an Iron Cross and a Barony tempt you to
+join us? Only a brain like yours could defeat such a movement.
+
+_Myself_ (_with dignity_). As a Major and a gentleman----
+
+_Kaiser._ Enough. I feared it was useless. _(Gloomily)_ We surrender.
+
+_The scene closes._
+
+[The final scene is not so clear in my memory that I can place it with
+confidence upon paper. But the idea of it is this.]
+
+AT ---- PALACE.
+
+_A Certain Person._ Your country can never sufficiently reward you,
+Major, but we must do what we can. I confer on you the V.C., the
+D.S.O., the M.V.O., the P.T.O. and the P. and O. The payment of a
+special grant of £5,000 a year for life will be proposed in the House
+to-morrow.
+
+_Myself._ Thank you, Sir. As for the grant, I shall value it more for
+the spirit which prompted it than for its actual---- Did you say _five_
+thousand, Sir?
+
+[At this point I realise with horror that I have only a very short vest
+on, and with a great effort I wake.... The papers seem very dull at
+breakfast.]
+
+  A. A. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SOLDIER'S ENGLAND.
+
+    My England was a draper's shop,
+      And seemed to be the place to fit
+    My size of man; and I'd to stop
+      And make believe I fancied it--
+  That and a yearly glimpse of mountain blue,
+          A book or two.
+
+    A bigger England stirs afloat.
+      I see it well in one who's come
+    From where he left his home and boat
+      By Cornish coasts, whose rollers drum
+  Their English music on an English shore
+          Right at his door.
+
+    And one who's left the North a spell
+      Has found an England he can love,
+    Hacking out coal. He's learnt her well
+      Though mines are narrow and, above,
+  The dingy houses set in dreary rows,
+          Seem all he knows.
+
+    The one of us who's travelled most
+      Says England, stretching far beyond
+    Her narrow borders, means a host
+      Of countries where her word's her bond
+  Because she's steadfast, everywhere the same,
+          To play the game.
+
+    Our college chum (my mate these days)
+      Thinks England is a garden where
+    There blooms in English speech and ways,
+      Nurtured in faith and thought we share,
+  A fellowship of pride we make our own,
+          And ours alone.
+
+    And England's all we say, but framed
+      Too big for shallow words to hold.
+    We tell our bit and halt, ashamed,
+      Feeling the things that can't be told;
+  And so we're one and all in camp to-night,
+          And come to fight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ "No judgment of recent years has aroused more widespread interest
+ than that of Mr. Justice Bargrave Deane, in which he decided that the
+ Slingsby baby was the son of his mother."--_Evening News._
+
+Wonderful men our judges.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doctor._ "YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT NOW, AND I HAVE MUCH
+PLEASURE IN RETURNING YOU THE TWO SOVEREIGNS WHICH I FOUND SHOT INTO
+YOU WITH THE PURSE."
+
+_Sergeant._ "THANK YOU, SIR; I DON'T CALL HALF A QUID DEAR FOR
+DOIN' THAT JOB."
+
+_Doctor._ "I DON'T FOLLOW YOU."
+
+_Sergeant._ "WELL, I HAD TWO-POUND-TEN IN THAT PURSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW TO DEAL WITH SUBMARINES.
+
+ ["_The Syren and Shipping_ offers £500 to the captain, officers and
+ crew of the first British merchant vessel which succeeds in sinking a
+ German submarine."--_The Times._]
+
+In order to assist captains of merchant ships to deal with raiding
+submarines, a few suggestions and comments, which it is hoped will be
+helpful, are offered by our Naval Expert.
+
+In the absence of a 4·7 naval gun, a provision suggested as useful by
+a writer in _The Times_, any 13-inch shells that you happen to have on
+board might be hoisted over the side, disguised as bunches of bananas,
+and dropped on to the offending submarine. If this does not sink her at
+once, additional bunches should be dropped.
+
+But before disposing of your shells be sure that your submarine is
+close alongside. In case she should hold off, let the first mate beckon
+to her, in a manner as nonchalant as possible, to come closer.
+
+When the enemy boards your ship, the captain should endeavour to
+interest the boarding party with the latest war news from German
+bulletins, whilst the bo'sun, the second steward and the stewardess,
+with the aid of peashooters, pour liquid explosive down the submarine's
+periscope.
+
+If you are fortunate enough to have on board one of those trained
+sea lions which have been showing for some years at the music-halls,
+you need not trouble to practise the subterfuges given above. On the
+enemy's submarine making her appearance on the starboard side you
+should lower your sea lion over the port side, preferably near the
+stern, having previously attached to it a bomb connected with wires to
+a battery. When the sea lion is close to the submarine just press the
+button. Possibly you will lose your pet, but the general result should
+be satisfactory.
+
+Owing to unavoidable circumstances you may not be able to put into
+practice any of these hints. If that be so, when the enemy comes
+aboard, work up a heated discussion on the origin of the War. If
+skilfully managed, you should draw into the discussion the entire
+company of the submarine, with the result that you will make time and
+possibly be got out of your difficulty by one of our patrol ships.
+
+Should all and every one of these expedients be useless, as a forlorn
+hope you should read aloud the appropriate clauses of the Hague
+Convention, and at the same time take the names and addresses of the
+boarding party for future reference.
+
+If you have an amateur photographer aboard, let him get going. The
+payment made by illustrated papers for pictures that reproduce the
+sinking of your ship will probably exceed the value of the ship, so
+that in any case your owners will not lose by the deal.
+
+But it is always best, where possible, to sink the submarine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a letter in _The Liverpool Echo_:--
+
+ "At a time like this we must be prepared to have our prejudices
+ shattered. When the whole world has been turned upside down, is it
+ fair that women should be left standing still?"
+
+It is a delicate question, and the women must be left to take up their
+own position in the matter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Village Constable_ (_to the Vicar, who has been
+hurrying to fetch fire engine_). "SO YOUR 'OUSE IS AFIRE, IS IT?
+AH! I'VE BIN A-WATCHIN' THAT LIGHT. DIDN'T EXPECT TO RUN INTO _ME_, DID
+YOU? 'OW'M I TO KNOW YOU BAIN'T SIGNALLIN' TO GERMANY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOHNSON.
+
+  When the task of training scholars Johnson manfully essayed
+  At a school whose Eton collars were the finest ever made,
+  It was largely lack of dollars drove him to the teaching trade.
+
+  Nature meant, had Fate allowed, him to command a t.b.d.,
+  Both his parents gladly vowed him to the service of the sea,
+  But the Navy doctors ploughed him for some _itis_ of the knee.
+
+  Yet, in spite of this embargo, he had spent each Oxford vac.
+  In a tramp as supercargo or on board a fishing-smack,
+  Till of sailors' lore and _argot_ he was full as he could pack.
+
+  In the sphere of gerund-grinding Johnson wasn't a success;
+  Boys are overprone to finding fault with masters who transgress
+  Rules which they consider binding in regard to form and dress.
+
+  Johnson's taste was always slightly _outré_ in his ties and caps;
+  Furthermore he never rightly saw the fun of booby traps;
+  And he clouted, none too lightly, boys who larked with watertaps.
+
+  Some considered him half-witted, or at best a harmless freak;
+  Some reluctantly admitted that he knew a lot of Greek;
+  All agreed he was unfitted for the calling of a "beak."
+
+  So, reluctantly returning to their mid-autumnal grind,
+  Nearly all the boys, on learning Mr. Johnson had resigned,
+  Showed the usual undiscerning acquiescence of their kind.
+
+  Thus he passed unmourned, unheeded, by nine boys in ev'ry ten,
+  And as week to week succeeded, bringing Christmas near again,
+  Quite a miracle was needed to recall him to their ken.
+
+  Deeds that merit lasting glory almost daily leap to light;
+  But one morning brought a story which was "excellently bright,"
+  And the Head, _rotunda ore_, read it out in Hall that night.
+
+  'Twas a tale of nerve unshrinking--of a "sweeper" off the Tyne,
+  Which had rescued from a sinking trawler, shattered by a mine,
+  Though a submarine was slinking in her wake, a crew of nine.
+
+  Well, you won't be slow in guessing at the gallant skipper's name,
+  Or from whom the most caressing message to the hero came--
+  Boys are generous in redressing wrongs for which they are to blame.
+
+  Johnson still continues "sweeping," in the best of trim and cheer,
+  As indifferent to reaping laurels as immune from fear,
+  While five hundred boys are keeping friendly watch on his career.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OUTCAST.
+
+A PLACE IN THE SHADOW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Tuesday, 2nd February._--First business on
+resumption of sittings after Recess was issue of writ for election of
+Member for Shipley Division of Yorkshire to fill the seat of PERCY
+ILLINGWORTH, whose place on Treasury Bench and in Whips' Room will
+know him no more.
+
+Herein a tragedy notable even amid absorbing interest of the War. When
+in last week of November House adjourned for recess, the CHIEF
+LIBERAL WHIP was in what seemed to be perfection of health. A
+little tired perhaps with exhausting labour of prolonged Session, but
+cheerily looking forward to interval of comparative rest. Physically
+and intellectually in the prime of life, he had happy constitutional
+turn of making the best of everything. A good sportsman, a famed
+footballer, healthy in mind and body, he habitually counteracted
+influence of sedentary life by outdoor exercise. If one had cast an eye
+round Benches on both sides and estimated which was the most likely
+man for whose county or borough a writ would, on reassembling of
+Parliament, be moved to fill vacancy created by his death, one would
+last of all have thought of PERCY ILLINGWORTH.
+
+Two years ago selection by PRIME MINISTER of a young,
+comparatively unknown, inexperienced man to fill important post of
+Chief Ministerial Whip was regarded with some surprise. That shrewd
+judge of character and capacity as usual justified by the event,
+ILLINGWORTH speedily made his mark. Courteous in manner, frank
+in speech, swift and capable in control of circumstance, he gained,
+and in increasing measure maintained, that confidence and personal
+popularity indispensable to the successful Whip.
+
+Pleasant for his many friends to think that he lived long enough
+to have conferred upon him a Privy Councillorship--a simple title,
+but good enough for PEEL and GLADSTONE, and for
+DIZZY throughout the plenitude of his prime.
+
+It was not without emotion that GULLAND, promoted to the Chair
+in the Whips' Room vacated by his esteemed Leader, moved the writ. He
+was comforted and encouraged by hearty cheers, not wholly confined to
+Ministerial side, approving the PREMIER'S choice.
+
+Full but not crowded attendance such as usually foregathers on
+opening days of the school at Westminster. Khaki-clad warriors moving
+about House and Lobbies with martial step suggested explanation of
+falling-off. Two hundred Members are at the Front on active service, a
+score or more engaged in civilian service in connection with the War.
+
+Business brief, curiously lifeless. Only one Question on Printed Paper
+where in ordinary times not unusual to find two hundred. On motion
+for adjournment, made within twenty minutes of SPEAKER'S
+taking the Chair, number of desultory topics were introduced by way of
+cross-examination of Ministers. No disposition shown to pursue them in
+controversial mood. At 4.30 House adjourned.
+
+[Illustration: PROMOTED TO THE CHAIR IN THE WHIPS' ROOM.
+
+(MR. J. W. GULLAND.)]
+
+[Illustration: ON THE OLD TACK.
+
+(MR. GINNELL.)]
+
+_Business done._--Both Houses reassembled after Winter Recess. In
+Commons PREMIER announced that Government will take the whole
+time for official business. Private Members and their Bills thus
+shunted, it will not be necessary to meet on Fridays.
+
+_Wednesday._--Gloom that lies like a pall over House momentarily lifted
+by unexpected agency. As at the circus when things are drifting into
+dullness the Clown suddenly enters, displacing monotony by merriment,
+so when Questions about enemy alien and the sacredness of the rights of
+private Members had droned along for some time Mr. GINNELL,
+who classifies himself as "an Independent Nationalist," presented
+himself from below Gangway. First distinguished himself above common
+horde on occasion of election of SPEAKER at opening sitting of
+present Parliament. The SPEAKER being as yet non-existent, the
+authority of the Chair undelegated, he had House at his mercy. Might
+talk as long as he pleased, say what he thought proper, with none to
+call him to order. Used opportunity to make violent personal attack on
+SPEAKER-DESIGNATE.
+
+Up again now on same tack. Appears that yesterday he handed in at
+the Table two Bills he proposed to carry through. No record of the
+procedure on to-day's Paper. Mr. GINNELL smelt a rat. He
+"saw it moving in the air" in person of the SPEAKER, who
+was "perverting against the House powers conferred on him for the
+maintenance of its functions and its privileges." Mr. GINNELL
+not sort of man to stand this. Proposed to indict SPEAKER for
+misconduct. But not disposed to be unreasonable; always ready to oblige.
+
+"If," he said, addressing the SPEAKER, "I should be out of
+order now, may I to-morrow call attention to your conduct in the Chair?"
+
+SPEAKER cautiously replied that before ruling on the point he
+would like to see the terms of motion put down on the Paper.
+
+Thereupon Mr. GINNELL proceeded to read a few remarks not
+entirely complimentary to the SPEAKER, which for greater
+accuracy he had written out on what PRINCE ARTHUR once alluded
+to as a sheet of notepaper. Holding this firmly with both hands, lest
+some myrmidon of the Chair should snatch it from him, he emphasised
+his points by bobbing it up and down between his chin and his knee.
+Whilst primarily denunciatory of the SPEAKER he had a word to
+say in reproof of PRIME MINISTER, whose concession to private
+Members of opportunity for an hour's talk on motion for adjournment
+he described as being "like cutting off a private Member's head, then
+clipping off a portion of his ear and throwing it to his relatives."
+
+_Business done._--Without division House consented that Government
+business shall have precedence on every day the House sits.
+PREMIER in exquisite phrases lamented the early cutting-off
+of PERCY ILLINGWORTH, of whom he said: "No man had imbibed
+and assimilated with more zest and sympathy that strange, indefinable,
+almost impalpable atmosphere compounded of old traditions and of
+modern influences which preserves, as we all of us think, the unique
+but indestructible personality of the most ancient of the deliberative
+assemblies of the world."
+
+Impossible more fully and accurately to describe that particular
+quality of the House of Commons which every one who intimately knows it
+feels but would hesitate to attempt to define.
+
+_Thursday._--Noble Lords are studiously and successfully disposed to
+conceal passing emotion. Masters of themselves though China fall,
+even should it drag down with it Japan and Korea. Return of Lord
+LANSDOWNE after prolonged bout of illness, an event so popular
+that it broke through this iron shield of hereditary conventionality.
+His reappearance welcomed from both sides with hearty cheer, in volume
+more nearly approaching House of Commons habit than what is familiar in
+the Lords.
+
+LEADER OF OPPOSITION is unquestionably one of the most highly
+esteemed among Peers. There have been crises in history of present
+Parliament when, through attitude taken by extreme partisans, he has
+found himself in difficult situation. Invariably circumvented it.
+Without making pretension to be a Parliamentary orator--pretension of
+any kind is foreign to his nature--he has the gift of saying the right
+thing in appropriate words at the proper moment. Looks a little worn
+down with long seclusion in sick chamber. But, as the House noticed
+with satisfaction gracefully reflected by Lord CREWE, "is
+unimpaired in his power of Parliamentary expression."
+
+This afternoon, to debate on Lord PARMOOR'S Bill amending
+Defence of Realm Act he contributed a weighty speech instinct with
+sound constitutional principles.
+
+_Business done._--In Commons MCKENNA found opportunity of
+refuting by statement of simple facts circumstantial fables about Home
+Office patronage of ex-German waiters. Supplementary Estimates for
+Civil Service voted. House counted out at 5.40. Adjourned till Monday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PEOPLE WHO OUGHT TO BE INTERNED.
+
+"I MIGHT LET HAROLD GO TO THE FRONT IF I THOUGHT IT REALLY
+NECESSARY. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY BOYS WHO ARE MORE USED TO ROUGHING.
+YOU SEE, HAROLD HAS BEEN SO VERY CAREFULLY BROUGHT UP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ST. VALENTINE'S DAY, 1915.
+
+_A Missive from the Front._
+
+  Ere the first grey dawn has banished
+    Restless night and her alarms,
+  When the sleeper's snores have vanished
+    On the order "Stand to arms!"
+  When the sky is bleak and dreary
+    And the rain is chill and thin,
+  Be I ne'er so damp and weary,
+    Yet my thoughts on You I pin.
+
+  When the bullets fly unheeded
+    O'er the meagre parapet,
+  As I pace my ditch impeded
+    By the squelching mud and wet;
+  When I eat my Army ration
+    With my fingers caked in clay--
+  You can stake your total cash on
+    Me remembering You this day.
+
+  Though the glittering knight whose charger
+    Bore him on his lady's quest
+  With an infinitely larger
+    Share of warfare's pomp was blest,
+  Yet he offered love no higher,
+    No more difficult to quench,
+  Than this filthy occupier
+    Of an unromantic trench.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Recruit_ (_who had given his age as 33 on enlistment_).
+"DID YOU 'EAR THAT? TOLD ME MY BRIDLE WASN'T PUT ON RIGHT! BLESS
+'IS BLOOMIN' INNOCENCE! AND ME BIN IN A RACIN' STABLE FOR THE LAST
+FIVE-AND-THIRTY YEAR!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
+
+IV.
+
+MY DEAR _Mr. Punch_,--In case you formed any mental pictures
+of my first Christmas as a Territorial in India, let me hasten to
+assure you that every single one of them was wrong. I neither took
+part in the uproarious festivities of the Barracks nor shared the more
+dignified rejoicings of the Staff Office in which I am condemned for a
+time to waste my military talents. An unexpected five days' holiday,
+and a still more unexpected windfall of Rs. 4 as a Christmas Box
+(fabulous gift for an impecunious private) enabled me to pay a visit
+to some relatives, who live at, well ----. One has to be careful. The
+Germans are getting desperate, and they would give worlds to know
+exactly where I am.
+
+---- is a place rich in historical interest and scenic beauties.
+Freed from the rigid bonds of military discipline and the still more
+hampering restrictions of official routine, I was at liberty to enjoy
+them to the full. It was the opportunity of a lifetime to see something
+of the real India. Did I take it? No, _Mr. Punch_, to be honest, I did
+not.
+
+After hundreds of years (so it seems) of Army active service rations,
+of greasy mess tins and enamelled iron mugs, I found myself suddenly
+confronted by civilised food waiting to be eaten in a civilised
+fashion. And I fell. Starting with _chota hazri_ at 7 A.M., I
+ate steadily every day till midnight. That is how I spent my holiday. I
+may as well complete this shameful confession; it was the best time I
+ever had in my life.
+
+I feel confident that my stomachic feats will never be forgotten in
+----. I shouldn't be surprised if in years to come the natives are
+found worshipping a tree trunk or stone monolith rudely carved into the
+semblance of an obese Territorial. It is pleasant to think that one may
+even have founded a new religion.
+
+But I am grieved and troubled about one thing. I ate plantains and
+guavas and sweet limes and Cape gooseberries and pomolos and numberless
+other Indian fruits (O bliss!), but not custard apples. Custard apples,
+it appears, are the best of all, and they went out of season just
+before I arrived in India and will not come into season again for
+months and months.
+
+I am confident that you will appreciate my predicament. I want the War
+to finish quickly, but I want to eat custard apples. I want to get to
+the Front and have a go at the Germans, but I desire passionately to
+eat custard apples. I want to get home again to you, but after all I
+have heard about them I feel that my life will have been lived in vain
+if I do not eat custard apples. It is a trying position.
+
+Home was very much in my thoughts at Christmas time. The fact of having
+relatives around me, the plum pudding, the mince pies, the mistletoe,
+the clean plates, the china cups and saucers, the crackers, the
+cushions, the absence of stew,--all these and many other circumstances
+served to remind me vividly of the old life in England. And when
+regretfully I left ----, and (like a true soldier cheerfully running
+desperate risks) travelled back in a first-class carriage with a
+third-class ticket, I found at the Office yet another reminder of home
+and the old days. My kindly colleagues had determined that I should not
+feel I was in a strange land amid alien customs. They had let all the
+work accumulate while I was away and had it waiting for me in a vast
+pile on my return.
+
+That is why this is such a short letter.
+
+  Yours ever,
+
+  ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHEERY DOGS.
+
+I.--_Mr. A._
+
+"Well, what have we done?--that's what I want to know. Where are the
+Germans? In France and Belgium. Where are we? This side of them. Where
+is their Navy? Still only too active. And so it goes on. My dear
+fellow, I like to be cheerful, but you give me no material to do it on.
+The cold truth is that we are just where we were months ago. 'Time is
+on our side,' you say. May be; but the War can't go on for ever, and
+meanwhile look at things here--food rising, coal rising, distress all
+around. What do you think the income-tax is going to be soon? Ha! Still
+it does not do to air these opinions and doubts. We must all be gay.
+That is our first duty."
+
+II.--_Mr. B._
+
+"Yes, of course there's Russia, as you say. But what is Russia? You
+know what Russia is. They've no heart in fighting, and I'm told that
+many personages in high places, and one very high indeed, are moving
+at this moment towards peace. That would be a nice thing, wouldn't it?
+It would liberate all the East frontier men and guns to come over to
+the West. And there's another thing about Russia too--how is it to get
+any more ammunition into the country with Archangel frozen? I suppose
+you know that we have been supplying them with ammunition ever since
+the start; and there's precious little left, I can tell you. You didn't
+know that? You surprise me. No, it doesn't do to lean too much on
+Russia. And money too. Where is that coming from? For ultimately, you
+know, all wars are fought with money. We shall have to find that too.
+So it isn't too easy to grin, is it? And yet I flatter myself that I
+succeed in conveying an impression of distinct optimism."
+
+III.--_Mr. C._
+
+"Well, of course, if all the naturalised Germans in this country are
+not interned we have only ourselves to thank if we are completely
+conquered. Think of the terrible advantage to the enemy to have waiters
+spying on the guests in hotels and at once communicating with Berlin!
+What chance have we if that kind of thing goes on? I was in an hotel at
+Aylesbury only yesterday, and I am sure a waiter there was a German,
+although he was called Swiss. He watched everything I ate. I tell you
+there are German spies everywhere. What can a waiter at Aylesbury
+tell Berlin? Ah! that's what we don't understand. But something of
+the highest moment and all to our disadvantage in war. But we have
+spies too? Never. I can't believe that England would ever be clever
+enough to make use of any system of secret service. No, Sir, we're back
+numbers. Still, it mustn't get out. We must all pretend, as I do, that
+everything is all right."
+
+IV.--_Mr. D._
+
+"I don't like the look of things in America, I can assure you.
+Anything but satisfactory. DERNBURG'S a clever fellow and the
+politicians can't forget what the German vote means to them. I see
+nothing but trouble for us there. This Shipping Purchase Bill--that's
+very grave, you know; and they don't like us--it's no use pretending
+that they do. I read an extract only this morning from a most
+significant article in _The Wells Fargo Tri-Weekly Leaflet_ which shows
+only too clearly how the wind is blowing. No, I view America and its
+share in the future with the gloomiest forebodings, although of course
+I do my best to conceal them. To the world I turn as brave a face as
+anyone, I trust."
+
+V.--_Mr. E._
+
+"I don't doubt the bravery of the French; but what I do say is, where
+is the advance we were promised? Nibbling is all very well, but
+meanwhile men are dying by the thousand, and the Germans are still in
+the invaded country. I hear too of serious disaffection in France.
+There's a stop-the-war party there, growing in strength every day.
+We'll have 'em here soon, mark my words. The French have no stomach for
+long campaigns. They want their results quickly, and then back to their
+meals again. I take a very serious view of the situation, I can tell
+you, although I do all I can to keep bright and hopeful, and disguise
+my real feelings."
+
+VI.--_Mr. F._
+
+"This activity of the German submarines is most depressing. Man for
+man we may have a better navy, but when it comes to submarines they
+beat us. What kind of chance have we against these stealthy invisible
+death-dealers? They're the things that are going to do for us. I can
+see it coming. But I keep the fact to myself as much as possible--one
+must not be a wet blanket."
+
+VII.--_Mr. G._
+
+"If only we had a decent government, instead of this set of weaklings,
+I should feel more secure. But with this Cabinet--some of them
+pro-Germans at heart, if the truth were known--what can you expect?
+Still, one must not drag party politics in now. We must be solid for
+the country, and if anyone raises his voice against the Liberals in my
+presence he gets it hot, I can tell you. None the less a good rousing
+attack by BONAR LAW on the Government, root and branch, every
+few days would be a grand thing. As I always say, the duty of the
+Opposition is to oppose."
+
+And these are not all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REVERSES.
+
+(_From the Front._)
+
+  Just a line to let you know, Jim, howall goes.
+    Well, in spite of Bosches, rain and mud and muck,
+  I've had nothing to complain of as I knows
+    Till last week, when comes a run of rotten luck.
+
+  First, a Black Maria busts aside o' me,
+    And I lost, well, I should say a hundred fags!
+  Then I goes and drops a fine mouth-organ--see?
+    And it sinks in one of these here slimy quags.
+
+  Then I chucks my kit down when we charged next day
+    (You've no use for eighty pounds odd when you sprints),
+  And while we was at it, what d' yer think, mate, eh?
+    Why, some blighter pinched my tin o' peppermints!
+
+  Crool luck, warn't it? But I'm pretty bobbish still--
+    Here's the Surgeon come, a very decent bloke;
+  I'm in horspital, I should 'a' said--not ill,
+    Just my right leg crocked and four or five ribs broke.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+First Lessons in Seamanship.
+
+Extract from the CHURCHILL interview:--
+
+ "Pacing his room thoughtfully, Mr. Churchill paused before a globe
+ which he twirled round in his fingers like the rudder of a ship."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+This is "What 'Roger' Hears" in _The Northampton Daily Chronicle_:--
+
+ "That a burglar entered 34, Birchfield road, Northampton, last
+ evening, and decamped with several articles of jewellery while the
+ residents, Mr. and Mrs. Mace, were out for an hour and a half.
+
+ That the Belgian guests who are being so generously entertained by the
+ Mount Pleasant friends were present, and rendered musical items."
+
+On police whistles, we hope.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small boy._ "WHAT'S ON THE POSTER, MOTHER?"
+
+_Mother._ "ONLY 'MORE GAINS AND LOSSES,' BUT WHETHER ON OUR SIDE OR
+THE OTHER IT DOESN'T SAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BROKEN MELODIES.
+
+"Aren't music publishers maddening?" said Clarice. "Here's a tune that
+promises awfully well, and breaks off suddenly."
+
+I went over to the piano.
+
+On the music-rest was a sheet of music, back to front, showing the
+opening bars of several songs the publishers wished to commend to our
+notice; appetisers, as it were.
+
+Clarice played the opening bars, the only ones which were given.
+
+"Please continue," I said; "I'm beginning to like it already."
+
+"How can I?" said Clarice. "How do I know how it goes on? It's simply
+maddening."
+
+"Aren't there any rules?" I said. "What I mean is, don't certain notes
+follow certain other notes?"
+
+"Not necessarily," said Clarice. "Why should they?"
+
+"Why shouldn't they?" I persisted. "In hockey, footer, billiards and
+the other arts certain movements are inevitably followed by certain
+consequences. It ought to be the same in music. However, as a poet
+it is the words which really interest me. Listen to this: '_Somebody
+whispered to me yestre'en, Somebody whispered to me, And my heart gave
+a flutter and_--' Ah, of course I know--_and I trod on the butter_."
+
+"_Which soon wasn't fit to be seen_," said Clarice.
+
+"Bravo," I said, "very soulful. Now look at the one above it: '_The
+rosy glow of summer is on thy dimpled cheek, While_----' There's a
+poser for you."
+
+"Oh, how pretty!" said Clarice. "And listen to the tune." She played
+what notes there were two or three times over. "I really must get that
+one," she added.
+
+"Do," I said. "I should like to hear more about that girl. These
+publishers know how to whet one's appetite, don't they? By Jove, here's
+a gem--'_I sat by the window dreaming, In the hush of eventide, Of
+the_----' Now what does one dream about at that time?"
+
+"You dream of dinner chiefly, I've noticed," said Clarice.
+
+"That's the idea," I said. "_Of the soup (tomato) steaming, The steak
+and mushrooms fried._ Who's the publisher?"
+
+"Crammer," said Clarice.
+
+I took up another sheet of music and hunted for more treasure. "Here's
+something fruity," I said, "published by Scarey and Co.: '_Oh, the
+lover hills are happy at the dawning of the day; There are winds to
+kiss and bless us, there is_----'"
+
+"What?" said Clarice.
+
+"How should I know?" I said. "Let's get the song and find out. Get them
+all, in fact."
+
+"Do you think we ought to?" said Clarice.
+
+"Yes, certainly," I said. "It's good for trade. My motto is 'Music as
+Usual during the War.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Contractor's Touch.
+
+From a label on a tin of Army jam:--
+
+ "DAMSON AND APPLE,
+
+ From Seville Oranges and Refined Sugar only."
+
+Thus monotony is avoided.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ "In standing at ease recruits _will_ not carry the left leg twelve
+ paces to the left, and balance the body on both legs equally."--_Royal
+ Magazine._
+
+Probably they think that they would not feel really at ease if they
+did. Personally we find that two paces and a half is our limit.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORE THAN TWO.
+
+_Host._ No, please don't sit there.
+
+_1st Guest._ Oh yes, I much prefer it.
+
+_2nd Guest._ Do let me.
+
+_Host._ I can't have you sitting there.
+
+_1st Guest._ I assure you I like being back to the driver.
+
+_Host._ No, if anyone sits there, naturally it must be me.
+
+_2nd Guest._ Do let me.
+
+_1st Guest._ Not at all.
+
+_2nd Guest._ I assure you I prefer it too.
+
+_Host._ No, sit here. When you're both comfortably settled, I'll get in.
+
+_1st Guest._ Oh no, please. I'm sure you never sit there. I hate to
+take away your own place.
+
+_2nd Guest._ Do let me.
+
+_Host._ I insist.
+
+_1st Guest._ Please don't say any more about it. See, I'm in now and
+quite comfy.
+
+_Host._ It's very wrong of you to be there.
+
+_2nd Guest._ Do let me.
+
+_Host._ Can't I persuade you to change?
+
+_1st Guest._ No.
+
+_2nd Guest._ Do let me.
+
+_Host._ Well, it's very wrong. I know that.
+
+_1st Guest_. Please let us get on now. I never was more comfy in my
+life.
+
+_Host._ You're sure?
+
+_2nd Guest._ Do let me.
+
+_Host._ But it's most unsatisfactory.
+
+_1st Guest._ Not at all.
+
+_Host._ Then you're sure you're all right?
+
+_1st Guest._ Absolutely. I love it here.
+
+_Host._ Very well then. (_Sighs._)
+
+_2nd Guest._ Do let me.
+
+_1st Guest._ No, we're all fixed now.
+
+_Host._ All right. (_To chauffeur_) Let her go! (_To 1st Guest_) It's a
+great shame, though.
+
+_1st Guest._ I love it.
+
+_2nd Guest._ I do wish you had let me.
+
+And that is what happens whenever three polite people are about to ride
+in a motor-car.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Shares.
+
+ "A purse, containing sum of money; owner can have some."--_Advt. in
+ "Portsmouth Evening News._"
+
+And the finder may keep the rest for his trouble.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Daily Chronicle_ (Kingston, Jamaica) says of the new Military
+Decoration:--
+
+ "It is of silver, and bears the imperial crown on each arm and in the
+ centre the letters 'G.R.I.' (George, ex-Imperator)."
+
+At least that's WILLIAM'S interpretation of it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"A BUSY DAY."
+
+I have always wanted to be a grocer. To spend the morning arranging
+the currants in the window; to spend the afternoon recommending (with
+a parent's partiality) such jolly things as bottled gooseberries and
+bloater paste; to spend the evening examining the till and wondering if
+you have got off the bad half-crown yet--that is a life. Many grocers,
+I believe, do not realise it, and envy (foolishly enough) the dramatic
+critic, knowing little of the troubles hidden behind his apparently
+spotless shirt-front; but even they will admit that to be a grocer for
+an hour would be fun.
+
+[Illustration: CLEAN BRITISH HUMOUR.
+
+(_As the saying is._)
+
+MR. HAWTREY AND MISS COMPTON EXCHANGE BADINAGE OVER A BAR OF
+SOAP.]
+
+And that (very nearly) was _Lord Charles Temperleigh's_ luck. Being a
+spendthrift he was kept at The Bungalow, Ashford, without money; he
+escaped to the shop of his old nurse at Mudborough, with the idea of
+borrowing from her--and if you are a clever dramatist you can easily
+arrange that he should be left alone in the shop and mistaken for the
+genuine salesman. Unfortunately for my complete happiness (and no doubt
+_Lord Charles's_ too) the shop was a chandler's; however, if that is
+not the rose, it is at least very near it. The chandler sells soap and
+the grocer sells cheese, and you can make a joke about the likeness as
+Mr. R. C. CARTON did. And if _Lord Charles_ should happen to
+be Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY and he should be accompanied by Miss
+COMPTON, you can understand that this and other jokes would
+lose nothing in their delivery.
+
+Yet somehow the shop scene was not the success it should have
+been. The First and Third Acts were better; they left more to Mr.
+HAWTREY. When Mr. CARTON is trying to be funny,
+even Mr. HAWTREY cannot help him much; but when he is taking
+it easily then he and Mr. HAWTREY together are delightful.
+Mr. EDWARD FITZGERALD as an Irish waiter was a joy. Miss
+COMPTON was Miss COMPTON; if you like her (as I
+do), then you like her. The others had not much chance. It is a
+HAWTREY evening, and (as such) an oasis in a desert of War
+thoughts.
+
+  M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PRELUDE.
+
+ ["Birds in London are already growing alive to the approach of
+ Spring."--_The Times._]
+
+  A portly, fancy-vested thrush,
+    That carolled, on a wintry spray,
+  A crazy song of Spring-time--Hush!
+          No, not the one
+          By MENDELSSOHN
+    Victorian Britons used to play,
+  But just the sort of casual thing
+  An absent-minded bird might sing.
+
+  Observing whom--"Alas," I said,
+    "Good friend, how premature your theme!
+  By some phenomenon misled,
+          You've overshot
+          The date a lot;
+    Things are so seldom what they seem!"
+  "Then hear the simple truth," quoth he,
+  "For that's another rarity.
+
+  "There is a foreign, furious man,
+    That sends great engines through the air
+  To deal destruction where they can,
+          To rain their fires
+          On ancient spires,
+    Ousting the birds that settle there,
+  And agitates, of fixed intent,
+  Our pleasaunce in the firmament.
+
+  "And everybody says the Spring
+    Will see him pay the price of it,
+  So that is why I choose to sing
+          What isn't true--
+          But as for you,
+    Be off and do your little bit!
+  It's not for you to stand and quiz--
+  The season's _what I say it is!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ "A Chicago Reuter message says that Hugh Henderson has won the
+ American draughts championship by defeating Alfred Jordan, the London
+ champion.
+
+ Draught horses were in most demand at Aldridge's, St. Martin's-lane,
+ yesterday, and the sums obtained ranged from 30gs. to 49gs."
+
+  _Daily Telegraph_.
+
+The forty-nine guinea one has challenged HUGH HENDERSON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _East Coast Farmer._ "HAVE I REALLY TO DO THIS WI'
+ALL MY BEASTS, IF SO BE AS THE GERMANS LAND IN THESE PARTS?"
+
+_Officer._ "YES. LIVE STOCK OF EVERY DESCRIPTION HAS TO BE BRANDED
+AND DRIVEN WEST."
+
+_Farmer._ "I CAN SEE MY WAY ALL RIGHT EXCEPT FOR MY BEES. WHAT AM I
+TO DO WI' MY BEES?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+There are few living writers of romance who can carry the sword and
+doublet with the ease of Miss MARJORIE BOWEN. She has long
+since proved herself a practised mistress of mediævalism, and _The
+Carnival of Florence_ (METHUEN) finds her therefore on sure
+ground. It is a pleasantly stimulating tale of love and adventure
+in the days of SAVONAROLA. The heroine is one _Aprilis_, a
+fair Florentine whose matrimonial affairs were complicated by the
+fact that early in the story she had been abducted (strictly _pour
+le bon motif_ in order to score off the gentleman to whom she was
+then engaged) by the too notorious PIERO DEI MEDICI. The
+unfortunate results were twofold, for though _Aprilis_ was returned
+unharmed to her father's house her noble betrothed would have no more
+of her, so she had to put up with another husband who took her for
+charity, and to suffer in addition the pangs of unrequited love for the
+Lord of Florence whom she was unable to forget. What happened--how the
+MEDICI were turned from their heritage, and the part played in
+all this by the grim Revivalist of San Marco--is the matter of a story
+well worth reading. As is his way with tales in which he appears, the
+figure of SAVONAROLA comes gradually to dominate the whole;
+did he not even master GEORGE ELIOT? The present story is
+dedicated "In Memory of Florence, Summer 1914." Presumably, therefore,
+Miss BOWEN shares with me certain memories that have been very
+vividly recalled by her pages--memories of a June evening when, as
+in the days of which she writes, the Piazza della Signoria echoed to
+the clash of swords and the tumult of an angry mob. That it has thus
+reminded me of what would, but for greater happenings since, have been
+one of my most thrilling chimney-corner reminiscences, is among the
+pleasures that I owe to a stirring and successful novel.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among my favourite gambits in fiction is the return to his impoverished
+home of one who left it a supposed wastrel, and has now lots and lots
+of money. Personally, if I have a preference, it is that my wanderer
+should be at first unrecognised; but I am perhaps too fastidious.
+Certainly I am not going to complain about _Big Tremaine_ (MILLS
+AND BOON) just because when he came back to the Virginian township
+that he had quitted as a bank thief his old coloured nurse saw through
+him in once. There is, of course, Homeric precedent for the situation;
+it is one that, deftly handled, can scarcely fail of its effect. And
+the story of _Big Tremaine_ is very deftly handled almost all through.
+MARIE VAN VORST evidently knows the gentle Southern life
+thoroughly; her pictures of it have served to increase my conviction
+that Virginia must be one of the pleasantest places on earth. Not less
+true and delicate is her treatment of the relations between masterful
+_Tremaine_ and the gently obstinate mother who turns so slowly from
+distrust to adoration of her returned son. There are, in short, a great
+many qualities in this story that I have found vastly agreeable. Also
+what seems to me one big defect. But as this latter is so far essential
+that without it there would be no story I am unable further to tell
+you about it. Still, I am bound to say that its revelation was a nasty
+shock to my admiration, which had been roused more than anything else
+by the sincerity and unconventionality of the argument. This is a
+matter on which you shall pass your own verdict. Mine would be "A Happy
+Ending committed through unjustified fear of the libraries"; and in
+view of the charm of her earlier chapters I should discharge the author
+with a friendly caution.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Most of us might freely confess to some vagueness in our minds as to
+"the social and economic state of things in the Prairie Provinces of
+the Dominion," and not a few of us are ready to spend five shillings
+and a leisure hour or two in finding out for certain, if only to be
+prepared with a refuge in the event of England being Teutonised. Miss
+E. B. MITCHELL, the author of _In Western Canada Before the
+War_ (MURRAY), knows her subject at first hand and deals
+with the right matter in the right manner for our purpose; that is to
+say, she is discriminating in her selection of topics and is always
+pleasant if never violently exciting or amusing in her treatment of
+them. The book is short, as such books should be; it does not pretend
+to be exhaustive, yet it leaves a very clear and precise impression
+on the mind. But (and every intelligent reader will have been waiting
+for this "but") why on earth should it be called _In Western Canada
+Before the War_, seeing that it was clearly written without any thought
+of the present European conditions and would have been published just
+about this time even if we had been at peace with everybody everywhere?
+The only reference in point which I can recall is a passing wonder
+expressed in a few lines as to what, if any, effect Armageddon will
+have in Canada; this is hardly enough, I fancy, to justify the topical
+suggestion of the cover. I cannot help feeling that the object of the
+last three words of that title was less literary than commercial.
+
+[Illustration: _Voice on telephone (from Berlin)._ "WELL, HAVE YOU
+DAMMED THE SUEZ CANAL YET?"
+
+_Turk._ "YES--OFTEN!"]
+
+_In the City of Under_ (ARNOLD) shows Miss EVELYNE
+RYND to have quite a pretty talent in the not unattractive _genre_
+of fantastic incoherence something after the pattern of _The Napoleon
+of Notting Hill_, though in a less robustious mood. But I doubt if
+talent (however pretty) is altogether sufficient to carry the reader
+through three hundred pages with no possible clue as to what it is
+really all about. All the same I do, in justice and most gladly, say
+that the author keeps one piqued to the extent of wishing to find
+out; one also loses all suspicion of its being an improving book,
+and distinctly likes that uncharacteristic Cheltenham boy, _Augustus
+Clickson_, who helps little _John Hazard_ to find a job. _John_ was
+very small and ineffectual and engaging, and his V.C. father had left
+the family wofully ill off, and _John_ felt it was up to him to do
+something about it. He meets the _Hawker_, who has a comforting habit
+of turning up at odd moments and assuring people that there's a way out
+of every difficulty, whereas the old lady, _Mrs. Letitlie_, asserted
+roundly and frequently that there was none. Then we have a nice wild
+unpractical Professor and a perplexed archæologist who get tangled in
+the skein; as also a spy, and, in fact, any old person and thing that
+occurred to the writer. There's enough good stuff and good humour in
+this queer patchwork to make me sure that any defect is one merely
+of form, and I would wager that it was the Notting Hill hero, before
+alluded to, that was responsible for setting our author on a dangerous
+path.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Seventh Post Card_ (GREENING) was one of a series written
+anonymously, as harbingers of sudden death, to motor-car drivers whose
+bad luck or bad management had made them run over a fellow-creature
+with capital consequences. Capital, also, for helping on the plot
+of the story; for the sudden death really did come off in such a
+considerable number of cases that we should have been quite justified
+in feeling worried when the delightful _Joanna_, driving the car
+belonging to her equally delightful _Jack_, was unfortunate enough to
+knock down a tramp; even though the immediate consequences when _Jack_
+found her awakening from unconsciousness by the roadside were--well,
+delightful too, and such as could be expected. Indeed, the sadly-worn
+word "delightful" seems somehow applicable to the entire string of
+clues, deductions, inquests, murders and other horrid thrills, or, at
+any rate, to Mr. FLOWERDEW'S telling of them. Is my capability
+for melodramatic emotion declining, that I thread this maze of tragic
+mystery in a mood no more intense than that of comfortable content?
+Perhaps; or it may be only the soothing effect of the author's clean
+English, coupled with the conviction that so long as he takes care to
+keep _Sir Julian Daymont_--the famous novelist-detective--on their
+side, no serious harm can come to the people we care about most. So,
+although a really nasty charge of murdering his grandfather turns up
+against the hero just when things (but for the number of pages left)
+are beginning to look prosperous, I can defy you to get seriously
+uneasy about his future; and, sure enough, _Sir Conan_--I mean _Sir
+Julian_--solves the problem in convenient time to pack the lovers
+safely off on their honeymoon. And, really, what more could you ask for?
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+148, February 10, 1915, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44933 ***