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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 18:46:57 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 18:46:57 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/44572-0.txt b/44572-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2030739 --- /dev/null +++ b/44572-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1874 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44572 *** + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR. + + ILLUSTRATED BY + + =A Series of Plates,= + + FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS. + + "_Let me play the fool: + With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come; + And let my liver rather heat with wine, + Than my heart cool with mortifying groans. + Why should a man, whose blood is warm within, + Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster? + Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice + By being peevish?_" + + SHAKSPEARE. + + PART II. + + PRICE 8_s._ + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE, + PATERNOSTER ROW. + + + + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR; + + =Illustrated= + + BY THE + + DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + PART II. + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET. + + 1824. + + + LONDON: + + Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch-street. + + + + + PREFACE. + + +The best preface to _this_ set of the POINTS OF HUMOUR is the +_former_ set, which, we are credibly informed, has favorably disposed +the muscles of our readers for repeating a certain cackling sound, +which is heart-food to our friend George Cruikshank. + +One individual, for certain, has laughed over these POINTS, and he is +a very worthy gentleman, who may be discerned wedging his way through +sundry piles of books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being +opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever asked him after +the sale of this little work, without observing an instantaneous +distension of that feature of the face which is used for more +purposes than merely grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this +second set will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a coarse +saying goes, "he will not be made to sing to another tune." + +The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or whatever name +the daily or weekly critics may give him, for they have given him +all these, will, undoubtedly, be heartily sorry should this change +take place, for he avows that since the publication of the POINTS, +the face of the worthy gentleman alluded to has been illuminated by +one unclouded sunshine, so much so, indeed, that to enter his shop +has been a constant resource against melancholy during this gloomy +weather. A face lighted up with good humour in a dark shop, is like a +blaze of light in the middle of one of Rembrandt's murky pictures. + +It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or rather +_followed_ a hint of one of the critics upon this little book. He has +resorted for part of his materials, to the author, who is the richest +of all in the humour of _situation_. Fielding has been suggested; +but though some things, excellent in their kind, might be found in +him, yet it will be observed, on a more accurate consideration, that +this admirable author is infinitely less adapted to the pencil of +Cruikshank, than his successor in the walk of humour. Fielding is a +master in the power of laying open all the springs which regulate the +motion of that curious piece of mechanism, the human heart. He wrote +with the inspiration of genius, and is true to nature in her minutest +circumstances. He involuntarily and unconsciously catches the look, the +word, the gesture, which would undoubtedly have manifested itself, and +which is in itself a strong gleam of light upon the whole character. +His _dramatis personæ_ are not, generally, very extraordinary +people.--He dealt in that which is _common_ to all. While, on the +contrary, Smollett is rich in that which is uncommon and eccentric. +His field is among oddities, hobby-horses, foibles, and singularities +of all kinds, which he groups in the most extraordinary manner, and +colours for the most striking effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied +smile, but it is over the page of Smollett that the loud laugh is heard +to break forth.--How much at home our artist is in the conception of +Smollett may be seen in the following plates. + +It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank should waste his +talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and not hand down his name by +illustrating the works of our great Novelists. As well might it have +been said to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting +upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." Genius consecrates and +immortalizes all it touches.--If the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral, +the plates will stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint +his _Rake's Progress_ in illustration of any immortal work, nor does it +require a set of octavo volumes to remind posterity of his existence. + +A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, would chuse +rather to exalt the humble, than endow the rich. + +We have an observation to make respecting one of the plates, the last +in the order. It will be seen that the costume of the characters +there pourtrayed, is essentially different from that adopted by every +illustrator of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. The +proper authorities have been in this, as in other cases, diligently +consulted, and it has appeared that these artists, in their endeavour +to discover the dress of our ancestors, have stopped short at the +reign of Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V. + +_March_, 1824. + + + + + NOTICE. + + +As there are Works continually advertised "_with Plates by +Cruikshank_," the Public are particularly requested to observe, that +_George_ Cruikshank has no connexion with any Publications to which +his Christian Name is not affixed; and that all Works, for which he +has made Designs, are advertised with his name in full. He has made +Designs for the following Works:-- + + + ITALIAN TALES. + + Just published, price 10s. in one volume beautifully printed, with + sixteen Original Designs by George Cruikshank, + + =Italian Tales= + + OF HUMOUR, GALLANTRY, AND ROMANCE. + + Selected and translated from a variety of Authors. + + "This volume of light entertainment possesses considerable merit, + and its embellishments are of the best kind. The ability of Mr. + George Cruikshank is so well known, that to say he does not in the + present volume fall short of his former excellence, is sufficient + praise. Many of his designs are exceedingly graceful and are + executed with singular delicacy."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "Cruikshank has illustrated these Italian Tales with a grace + which (without imitation) approaches the beauty of Stothard's + compositions."--_Westminster Review, No. I._ + + +Second Edition, in 12mo. (250 pages) price 7s. with 12 plates, designed + and engraved by George Cruikshank, + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + _Translated from the Kinder und Haus-Märchen of_ + + M. M. GRIMM. + + With a PREFACE and NOTES by the Translators. + + "This book ought to be in possession of the man as a curiosity, + and of the child as an amusement."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "The little book published last winter, '_German Nursery + Tales_, with etchings by Cruikshank,' was executed in a style + very superior to the '_Tales of the Northern Nations_.' The + Translator, whoever he be, displayed a great deal of tact in + transferring these Stories with so much of their native naïveté." + + _Blackwood's Magazine, October_ 1. + + Vol. II. is preparing for Publication. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR.--No. I. + +⁂ An _imitation_ of the last Work having appeared, _George_ Cruikshank +takes leave to say, that he did not make a single Drawing for it. + + + + + POINT I. + + THE THREE HUNCHBACKS. + + +At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle on the bank of +a river near a bridge. The master of this castle was hunchbacked. +Nature had exhausted her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical +figure. In place of understanding, she had given him an immense head, +which nevertheless was lost between his two shoulders: he had thick +hair, a short neck, and a horrible visage. + +Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself of falling +in love with a beautiful young woman, the daughter of a poor but +respectable burgess of Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he +was the richest person in the district, the poor girl was delivered +up to him. After the nuptials he was as much an object of pity as +she, for, being devoured by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night +nor day, but went prying and rambling every where, and suffered no +stranger to enter the castle. + +One day during the Christmas festival, while standing sentinel at his +gate, he was accosted by three humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him +as a brother, as such asked him for refreshments, and at the same +time, to establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously shouldered +their humps at him. Contrary to expectation, he conducted them to his +kitchen, gave them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money +over and above. Before their departure, however, he warned them never +to return on pain of being thrown into the river. At this threat of +the Chatelain the minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to +the town, singing in full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque manner, +in derision of their brother-hump of the castle. He, on his part, +without paying farther attention, went to walk in the fields. + +[Illustration] + +The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, and had heard the +minstrels, called them back to amuse her. They had not been long +returned to the castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by which +she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. Fortunately, the lady +perceived in a neighbouring room three empty coffers. Into each of +these she stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened the gate +to her husband. He had only come back to espy the conduct of his wife +as usual, and, after a short stay, went out anew, at which you may +believe his wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to the coffers +to release her prisoners, for night was approaching and her husband +would not probably be long absent. But what was her dismay, when she +found them all three suffocated! Lamentation, however, was useless. The +main object now was to get rid of the dead bodies, and she had not a +moment to lose. She ran then to the gate, and seeing a peasant go +by, she offered him a reward of thirty livres, and leading him into +the castle, she took him to one of the coffers, and shewing him its +contents, told him he must throw the dead body into the river: he asked +for a sack, put the carcase into it, pitched it over the bridge, and +then returned quite out of breath to claim the promised reward. + +[Illustration] + +"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, "but you ought +first to fulfil the condition of the bargain--you have agreed to rid +me of the dead body, have you not? There, however, it is still." +Saying this, she showed him the other coffer in which the second +humpbacked minstrel had expired. At this sight the clown was perfectly +confounded--"how the devil! come back! a sorcerer!"--he then stuffed +the body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over the bridge, +taking care to put the head down and to observe that it sank. + +Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position of the coffers, +so that the third was now in the place which had been successively +occupied by the two others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him +the remaining dead body--"you are right, friend," said she, "he must +be a magician, for there he is again." The rustic gnashed his teeth +with rage. "What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry about this +humpback?" He then lifted him up, with dreadful imprecations, and +having tied a stone round the neck, threw him into the middle of the +current, threatening, if he came out a third time, to despatch him +with a cudgel. + +[Illustration] + +The first object that presented itself to the clown, on his way back +for his reward, was the hunchbacked master of the castle returning +from his evening walk, and making towards the gate. At this sight the +peasant could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of a humpback, are you +there again?" So saying, he sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his +shoulders, and hurled him headlong into the river after the minstrels. + +[Illustration] + +"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this last time," said the +peasant, entering the room where the lady was seated. She answered, +she had not. "You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer +was already at the gate, but I have taken care of him--be at your +ease--he will not come back now." + +The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, and recompensed +the peasant with much satisfaction. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT II. + + A RELISH BEFORE DINNER. + + +[Illustration] + +When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging Prague, a boor, +of a most extraordinary visage, desired admittance to his tent; and +being allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, to devour +a large hog in his presence. The old general Konigsmark, who stood +by the king's side, notwithstanding his bravery, had not got rid of +the prejudices of his childhood, and hinted to his royal master, +that the peasant ought to be burnt as a sorcerer. "Sir," said the +fellow, irritated at the remark, "if your majesty will but make that +old gentleman take off his sword and spurs, I will eat him before I +begin the pig." General Konigsmark, who had, at the head of a body +of Swedes, performed wonders against the Austrians, could not stand +this proposal, especially as it was accompanied by a most hideous +expansion of the jaws and mouth. Without uttering a word, the veteran +turned pale and suddenly ran out of the tent, and did not think +himself safe till he arrived at his quarters, where he remained above +twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he got rid of the panic +which had so strongly seized him. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT III. + + THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS. + + +A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought every where for +a skilful physician in whom he could place confidence, and to whose +care he might confide a life so dear to him. In the course of his +search he met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might be +rendered visible. The young man exchanged, for this talisman, half +his possessions, and having secured his treasure, ran with it to +the house of a famous physician. Flocking round the door he beheld +a crowd of shades, the ghosts of those persons whom this physician +had killed. Some old, some young; some the skeletons of fat old men; +some gigantic frames of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants and +squalling women; all joined in menaces and threats against the house +of the physician--the den of their destroyer--who however peacefully +marched through them with his cane to his chin, and a grave and +solemn air. The same vision presented itself, more or less, at the +house of every physician of eminence. One at length was pointed +out to him in a distant quarter of the city, at whose door he only +perceived two little ghosts. "Behold," exclaimed he, with a joyful +cry, "the good physician of whom I have been so long in search!" The +doctor, astonished, asked him how he had been able to discover this? +"Pardon me," said the afflicted lover complacently, "your ability +and your reputation are well known to me." "My reputation!" said the +physician, "why I have been in Paris but eight days, and in that time +I have had but TWO patients." "Good God!" involuntarily exclaimed the +young man, "and there they are!" + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT IV. + + THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS. + + +There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was blind, and his evil +destiny reduced him to beg from door to door. He had been so long +accustomed to walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none +to lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's doors, and not +answer till they opened to him. One day he knocked thus, and the +master of the house, who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac +made no answer, and knocked a second time: the master of the house +asked again and again, "who is there?" but to no purpose, no one +answered; upon which he came down, opened the door, and asked the +man what he wanted? "Give me something, for Heaven's sake," said +Backbac; "you seem to be blind," replied the master of the house; +"yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac. "Give me your hand," resumed +the master of the house; he did so, thinking he was going to give him +alms; but he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his chamber. +Backbac thought he had been carrying him to dine with him, as many +people had done. When they reached the chamber, the man let go his +hand, and sitting down, asked him again what he wanted? "I have +already told you," said Backbac, "that I want something for God's +sake." "Good blind man," replied the master of the house, "all that +I can do for you is to wish that God may restore your sight." "You +might have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and not have +given me the trouble to come up stairs." "And why, fool," said the +man of the house, "do not you answer at first, when people ask you +who is there? why do you give any body the trouble to come and open +the door when they speak to you?"--"What will you do with me then?" +asked Backbac; "I tell you again," said the man of the house, "I have +nothing to give you." "Help me down the stairs then, as you brought +me up."--"The stairs are before you," said the man of the house, "and +you may go down by yourself if you will." The blind man attempted to +descend, but missing a step, about the middle of the stairs, fell +to the bottom and hurt his head and his back: he got up again with +much difficulty, and went out, cursing the master of the house, who +laughed at his fall. + +As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, his companions, were +going by, knew him by his voice, and asked him what was the matter? He +told them what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have eaten nothing +to day; I conjure you to go along with me to my house, that I may take +some of this money that we four have in common, to buy me something for +supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home with him. + +You must know that the master of the house where Backbac was so ill +used, was a robber, and of a cunning and malicious disposition; he +overheard from his window what Backbac had said to his companions, +and came down and followed them to Backbac's house. The blind men +being seated, Backbac said to them, "brothers, we must shut the +door, and take care there be no stranger with us." At this the robber +was much perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a beam, +he caught hold of it, and hung by it while the blind men shut the +door, and felt about the room with their sticks. When they had done, +and had sat down again in their places, the robber left his rope, +and seated himself softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself alone +with his blind comrades, said to them, "brothers, since you have +trusted me with the money, which we have been a long time gathering, +I will shew you that I am not unworthy of the confidence you repose +in me. The last time we reckoned, you know that we had ten thousand +dirhems, and that we put them into ten bags: I will shew you that I +have not touched one of them;" having so said, he put his hand among +some old clothes, and taking out the bags one after another, gave +them to his comrades, saying, "there they are: you may judge by their +weight that they are whole, or you may tell them if you please." His +comrades answered, "there was no need, they did not mistrust him;" so +he opened one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems, and each of the +other blind men did the like. + +Backbac put the bags into their place again; after which, one of the +blind men said to him, "there is no need to lay out any thing for +supper, for I have collected as much victuals from good people as +will serve us all:" at the same time he took out of his bag bread and +cheese, and some fruit, and putting all upon the table, they began +to eat. The robber, who sat at Backbac's right hand, picked out the +best, and eat with them; but, whatever care he took to make no noise, +Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out immediately, "We are +undone, there is a stranger among us!" Having so said, he stretched +out his hand, and caught hold of the robber by the arm, cried out +"_thieves!_" fell upon him, and struck him. The other blind men fell +upon him in like manner; the robber defended himself as well as he +could, and being young and vigorous, besides having the advantage +of his eyes, he swung by the hanging rope, and gave furious kicks, +sometimes to one, sometimes to another, and cried out "_thieves!_" +louder than they did. The neighbours came running at the noise, +broke open the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants; +but having at last succeeded, they asked the cause of their quarrel. +Backbac, who still had hold of the robber, cried out, "gentlemen, +this man I have hold of is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose +to rob us of the little money we have." The thief, who shut his eyes +as soon as the neighbours came, feigned himself blind, and exclaimed, +"gentlemen, he is a liar. I swear to you by heavens, and by the life +of the caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to give +me my just share. They have all four fallen upon me, and I demand +justice." The neighbours would not interfere in their quarrel, +but carried them all before the judge. When they came before the +magistrate, the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out, +still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed to administer +justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, I declare to you that we are +equally criminal, my four comrades and I; but we have all engaged, +upon oath, to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that if +you would know our crime, you need only order us to be bastinadoed, +and begin with me." Backbac would have spoken, but was not allowed to +do so, and the robber was put under the bastinado. + +[Illustration] + +The robber, being under the bastinado, had the courage to bear twenty +or thirty blows: when, pretending to be overcome with pain, he first +opened one eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, begged +the judge would put a stop to the blows. The judge, perceiving that +he looked upon him with his eyes open, was much surprised, and said +to him, "rogue, what is the meaning of this miracle?" "Sir," replied +the robber, "I will discover to you an important secret, if you will +pardon me, and give me, as a pledge that you will keep your word, the +seal-ring which you have on your finger." The judge consented, gave +him his ring, and promised him pardon. "Under this promise," continued +the robber, "I must confess to you, sir, that I and my four comrades +do all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, that we might +freely enter people's houses, and women's apartments, where we abuse +their weakness. I must farther confess to you, that by this trick we +have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I demanded of my +partners two thousand that belonged to my share, but they refused, +because I told them I would leave them, and they were afraid I should +accuse them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, they fell upon +me; for which I appeal to those people who brought us before you. I +expect from your justice, sir, that you will make them deliver me the +two thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have a mind that my +comrades should confess the truth, you must order them three times as +many blows as I have had, and you will find they will open their eyes +as well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three blind men, would +have cleared themselves of this horrid charge, but the judge would not +hear them; "villains," said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then, +and, under that pretext of moving their compassion, cheat people, and +commit such crimes?" "He is an impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take +God to witness that none of us can see." All that Backbac could say was +in vain, his comrades and he received each of them two hundred blows. +The judge expected them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their +obstinacy what really they could not do; all the while the robber said +to the blind men, "_Poor fools that you are, open your eyes, and do +not suffer yourselves to be beaten to death._" Then addressing himself +to the judge, said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously +obstinate to the last, and will never open their eyes. They wish +certainly to avoid the shame of reading their own condemnation in the +face of every one that looks upon them; it were better, if you think +fit, to pardon them, and to send some person along with me for the ten +thousand dirhems they have hidden." + +The judge consented to give the robber two thousand dirhems, and kept +the rest himself; and as for Backbac and his three companions, he +thought he shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT V. + + THE CONSULTATION. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, was an old officer, +whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks of +the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs, +sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: +he imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the mal-practice of +a surgeon who had administered to him, while he laboured under the +consequences of an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had +inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors +of the medical art, which was more and more confirmed by the +information of a friend at London, who had told him, that it was +a common practice among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their +patients from drinking the water, that the cure, and in consequence +their attendance, might be longer protracted. + +Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few +general instructions he had received, used the waters without +any farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his +hatred and contempt of the sons of Æsculapius, both by speech and +gesticulations, and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to +that which he knew they prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly +in his condition. But he did not find his account in this method, how +successful soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, +instead of vanishing, were every day more and more enraged; and at +length he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn +to night, and from night to morn, though still more determined than +ever to adhere to his former maxims. + +In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the +town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who +triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed +a country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, +early one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and +desire them to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. +In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves +in motion; and three of the foremost arriving at the same instant +of time, far from complimenting one another with the door, each +separately essayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the +passage; while they remained thus wedged together, they descried two +of their brethren posting towards the same goal, with all the speed +that God had enabled them to exert; upon which they came to a parley, +and agreed to stand by one another. This covenant being made, they +disentangled themselves, and, inquiring about the patient, were told +by the servant that he had just fallen asleep. + +Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his +antichamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted +themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage +was filled, from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and +the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck +dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no +sooner made their lodgement good, than they began to consult about +the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have +considered with great care and assiduity. The first who gave his +opinion said, the distemper was an obstinate arthritis; the second +affirmed, that it was no other than a confirmed lues; and the third +swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity of opinions was +supported by a variety of quotations from medical authors, ancient +as well as modern; but these were not of sufficient authority, or +at least not explicit enough, to decide the dispute; for there are +many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, and each set can +quote the fathers in support of the tenets they profess. In short, +the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, as not only alarmed +the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient from the +first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Had it been +simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noise +that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved +from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, he fancied +himself exposed: but this dreadful vision had been the result of that +impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish +of his joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of being +allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great acuteness of sensation; +and the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at +the same time, he began to think his dream was realized, and, in +the pangs of despair, applied himself to a bell that stood by his +bedside, which he rung with great violence and perseverance. + +This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three +doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his +chamber without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third +made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient +could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on +him at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of +the faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to +his master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these +gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such +an assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always +considered with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed +to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited +by his rage, that, though his tongue denied its office, his other +limbs performed their functions: he disengaged himself from the +triumvirate, who had taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed +with incredible agility, and, seizing one of his crutches, applied it +so effectually to one of the three, just as he stooped to examine the +patient's water, that his tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while he +himself fell motionless on the floor. + +This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every +man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door; +and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts +of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the +colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled +his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect +of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without marks +of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again +quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited +faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the +fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew the +attack, set up their throats altogether, and loudly threatened to +prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault. + +[Illustration] + +By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the +cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the +complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that +they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, +he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his +lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession. + +Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour +instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, at once +comprehending the nature of the joke, they sneaked silently off with +the loss they had sustained, in unutterable shame and mortification, +while Peregrine and his friend, who took care to be passing that +way by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary +efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as +he appeared; nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most +affected with their situation, and mischievously tormented them with +questions touching this unusual congregation; then, in consequence +of the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's +valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company +in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of the +farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries +of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed the +whole; though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as +afforded no handle of prosecution. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VI. + + THE DINNER. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired the full confidence +of the doctor, who invited him to an entertainment, which he intended +to prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this +idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured with many +encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy of his genius and +apprehension; and the day was appointed at some distance of time, +that the treater might have leisure to compose certain pickles +and confections, which were not to be found among the culinary +preparations of these degenerate days. + +With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous, +and extracting from it more diversion, Peregrine proposed that some +foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being left to +his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a French +marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he knew to be +most egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance the joy +of the entertainment. + +Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel +where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations +with an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were +received by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his +friend superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, the +guests understood that the doctor had met with numerous difficulties +in the execution of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had been +dismissed, because they could not prevail upon their own consciences +to obey his directions in things that were contrary to the present +practice of their art; and that although he had at last engaged a +person, by an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the +fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed, at the commands he +had received, that his hair stood on end, and he begged on his knees +to be released from the agreement he had made; but finding that his +employer insisted upon the performance of his contract, and threatened +to introduce him to the commissaire, if he should flinch from the +bargain, he had, in the discharge of his office, wept, sung, cursed, +and capered, for two hours without intermission. + +While the company listened to this odd information, by which they +were prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears +were invaded by a piteous voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the +love of God! dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the +mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated with +the sound, when the doctor entering, was by Peregrine made acquainted +with the strangers, to whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could +not help complaining of the want of complaisance he had found in the +Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been almost entirely ruined and +set aside. The French marquis, who thought the honour of his nation +was concerned at this declaration, professed his sorrow for what had +happened, so contrary to the established character of the people, and +undertook to see the delinquents severely punished, provided he could +be informed of their names or places of abode. The mutual compliments +that passed on this occasion were scarce finished, when a servant +coming into the room, announced dinner; and the entertainer led the +way into another apartment, where they found a long table, or rather +two boards joined together, and furnished with a variety of dishes, +the steams of which had such evident effect upon the nerves of the +company, that the marquis made frightful grimaces, under pretence of +taking snuff; the Italian's eyes watered, the German's visage underwent +several distortions of feature; our hero found means to exclude the +odour from his sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; +and the poor painter, running into another room, plugged his nostrils +with tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only person then present +whose organs were not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches +placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he was sorry +he could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, which were +somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they would +have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in his +respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would place +themselves upright at the ends, that they might have the pleasure of +serving those that lay along. This disposition, of which the strangers +had no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most +ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing to each other, on +pretence of disputing the lower seat, but, in reality, with a view of +profiting by the example of each other: for neither of them understood +the manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, who enjoyed their +confusion, handed the count to the other side, where, with the most +mischievous politeness, he insisted upon his taking possession of the +upper place. + +In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continued acting +a pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated +them to wave all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be +spoiled before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, +Peregrine took the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying himself +gently down, with his face towards the table. The marquis, in +imitation of this pattern, (though he would have much rather fasted +three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an +attitude,) stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining upon +his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, with his head +raised above the end of the couch, that the economy of his hair might +not suffer by the projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin +limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without sustaining +any misfortune, but that of his stocking being torn by a ragged +nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level with the rest +of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple +in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down with such +precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furious +contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in a +twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, descended upon +the side of his couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck +off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio. + +The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely +vanquished the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was obliged +to suppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth; +for the bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion, +and the marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance, as +were sufficient to awaken the mirth of a quietist. + +This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances of +the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the +arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to +give some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company +might be directed in their choice; and, with an air of infinite +satisfaction, thus began:--"This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, +served up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, +rue, anchovies, and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one +of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for +the magnitude of their livers, one of which is said to have weighed +upwards of two pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did the +tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had almost +forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an article at all +tables in France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia of +the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, +honey, vinegar, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the +other is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then +there is a loin of boiled veal with fennel and carraway seed, on a +pottage composed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious +hashis of the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a +dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall I help you to a +plate of this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of +the ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish the +composition; while the marquis, being asked by the painter which +of the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire, +accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count, +in lieu of spoon meat, of which he said he was no great admirer, +supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of +our young gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through +the whole course of the entertainment. + +The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full +pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet, +his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary +contractions and dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this +connoisseur, with a view of consulting his taste, before he himself +would venture upon the soup, began to be disturbed at these emotions, +and observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to +be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that these were +symptoms of ecstacy, and, for further confirmation, asked the marquis +how he found the soup. It was with infinite difficulty that his +complaisance could so far master his disgust, as to enable him to +answer, "altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter, +being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to his mouth +without scruple; but far from justifying the eulogium of his taster, +when this precious composition diffused itself upon his palate, he +seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat like the +leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both +sides of his mouth. + +The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired +into the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection, +and swore that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning +brimstone than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, +the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, that, +except the usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but +some sal ammoniac, instead of the ancient nitrum, which could not now +be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum +was not an improvement on the whole. The unfortunate petit maître, +driven to the extremity of his condescension, acknowledged it to +be a masterly refinement; and deeming himself obliged, in point of +honour, to evince his sentiments by his practice, forced a few more +mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down his throat, till his +stomach was so much offended, that he was compelled to start up of +a sudden; and, in the hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate +into the bosom of the baron. The emergency of his occasions would not +permit him to stay and make apologies for this abrupt behaviour; so +that he flew into another apartment, where Pickle found him puking, +and crossing himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his desire, +being brought to the door, he slipped into it more dead than alive, +conjuring his friend Pickle to make his peace with the company, and +in particular excuse him to the baron, on account of the violent +fit of illness with which he had been seized. It was not without +reason that he employed a mediator; for when our hero returned to +the dining-room, the German had got up, and was under the hands +of his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a rich embroidered +waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his misfortune, stamped +upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet, +and the impertinent entertainer, who all this time, with great +deliberation, consoled him for the disaster, by assuring him, that +the damage might be repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot +iron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his face, +appeased his indignation, by telling him how much the whole company, +and especially the marquis, was mortified at the accident; and the +unhappy salacacabia being removed, the places were filled with two +pyes, one of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, which the +doctor had substituted in the room of roasted poppy-seed, formerly +eaten with honey, as a dessert; and the other composed of a hock of +pork baked in honey. + +Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up +his hands and eyes, and, with signs of loathing and amazement, +pronounced, "A pye made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord +in heaven! what beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend +checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a severe look, and +recommended the veal, of which he himself cheerfully ate, with +such encomiums to the company, that the baron resolved to imitate +his example, after having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which +the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the true wine of +Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing else upon the table which he +would venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and had recourse +to the veal also; although he could not help saying, that he would +not give one slice of the roast beef of Old England for all the +dainties of a Roman emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations +and assurances could not prevail upon his guests to honour the +hashis and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in +which he told them there were divers of those dishes, which, +among the ancients, had obtained the appellation of _politeles_, or +magnificent. "That which smokes in the middle", said he, "is a sow's +stomach, filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, +eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and +pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats and belly of a sow, just +farrowed, fried with sweet wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. +On the left is a fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with +milk. At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of pompions, lovage, +origanum, and oil; and here are a couple of pullets, roasted and +stuffed in the manner of Apicius." + +[Illustration] + +The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of the +sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails which +had undergone purgation, no sooner heard him mention the roasted +pullets, than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which +the doctor desired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and +accordingly sent them round, while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth +under his chin, and brandished his knife and fork with singular +address; but scarce were they set down before him, when the tears ran +down his cheeks, and he called aloud, in manifest disorder,--"Zounds! +this is the essence of a whole bed of garlic!" That he might not, +however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied his +instruments to one of the birds; and, when he opened up the cavity, +was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable smells, that, +without staying to disengage himself from the cloth, he sprung away, +with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole table in +havoc, ruin, and confusion. + +Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with +a syrup of the dormice pye, which went to pieces in the general +wreck: and as for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's +stomach, which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon +his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked +with anguish, and grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect. + +The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was +not at all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a +calamity as that which he had already shared; but the doctor was +confounded with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an +application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for +the misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and +prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return, and +make an apology in person; and protested that there was nothing in +the fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the stuffing +being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafœtida, and the sauce +consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which he had used instead of +the celebrated _garum_ of the Romans; that famous pickle having been +prepared sometimes of the _scombri_, which were a sort of tunny fish, +and sometimes of the _silurus_, or shad fish; nay, he observed, that +there was a third kind called _garum hæmation_, made of the guts, +gills, and blood of the _thynnus_. + +The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish the +order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had been +discomposed, ordered every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be +laid, and the dessert to be brought in. + +Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them a specimen of the +_alieus_, or fish-meals of the ancients, such as the _jus diabaton_, +the conger-eel, which, in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the +_cornuta_, or gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, who +says, the horns of many were a foot and a half in length; the mullet +and lamprey, that were in the highest estimation of old, of which +last Julius Cæsar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He +observed, that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace, +in the account he gives of the entertainment to which Mæcenas was +invited by the epicure Nasiedenus, + + Affertur squillas inter muræna natantes, &c. + +and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the _thus +Syriacum_, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the +purgative nature of the fish. Finally, this learned physician gave +them to understand, that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish +in the zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in +point of expense, to some preparations in vogue about the time of +that absurd voluptuary Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six +hundred ostriches to be compounded in one mess. + +By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not +a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: but +what the master of the feast valued himself upon was a sort of +jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable to the _hypotrimma_ of +Hesychius, being a mixture of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to +a proper consistence, and candied assafœtida, which he asserted, +in contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the +_laser Syriacum_, so precious as to be sold among the ancients to +the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word for the +excellency of this gum, but contented themselves with the olives, +which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they seemed +very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they +had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance +of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went +in quest of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in +another apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the +banqueting-room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from +those whom he had injured. Having assured him of this indulgence, +our young gentleman led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands +with an air of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing +himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his +Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child; but +was fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the +honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of +nature in their presence. + +When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was +forgiven in very polite terms, and even received into favour by his +friend the doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession; so +that all the guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so +piously to the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced +very evident effects in the behaviour of all present. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VII. + + THE DUEL. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, and +the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where Peregrine, +taking the advantage of being alone with the physician, recapitulated +all the affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance, +aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advising him, in +the capacity of a friend, to take care of his honour, which could not +fail to suffer in the opinion of the world, if he allowed himself to +be insulted with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree +of consideration. + +The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped +chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and +in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion +was interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most +benevolent disposition; and although he could find no precedent of +duelling among the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the +patterns of demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of +his veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very next +offence he should commit. + +Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he +could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with +the other party also; giving him to understand, that the physician +treated his character with such contempt, and behaved to him with +such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own +part, he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual +animosity, which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more +becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and education; +and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to his inclination, to +break off all correspondence with them both, if they would not fall +upon some method to retrieve the dignity of their characters. + +These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity +of the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve +of single combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise +in which he was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an +insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might +humble him into any concession, without running the least personal +risk. Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet +of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, when +his honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be the bearer +of a challenge, which he would instantly commit to writing. + +The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of +courage, by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship +and society, but declined the office of carrying the billet, that +his tenderness of Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted +into an officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time he +recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger on this +occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field. The magnanimous +painter took his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, penned a +challenge in these terms.-- + + 'SIR,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself; + much less----I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an + unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippythets of the wulgar: + but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you; + but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious + behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this evening, in + the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword and pistol, + where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us, for your body + shall find no favour with your incensed defier, till death. + + 'LAYMAN PALLET.' + +This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal, +and honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to the +charge of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it in the +afternoon; and brought for answer, that the physician would attend +him at the appointed time and place. The challenger was evidently +discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran +about the house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg +his further advice and assistance: but understanding that the youth +was engaged in private with his adversary, he began to suspect some +collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and precipitation. He +even entertained some thoughts of retracting his invitation, and +submitting to the triumph of his antagonist: but before he would +stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved to try another +expedient, which might be the means of saving both his character and +person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and very gravely desired +he would be so good as to undertake the office of his second in a +duel which he was to fight that evening with the physician. + +The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing +fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of, 'Good God! +gentlemen! what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another while it is +in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly to the governor +of the place, who shall interpose his authority.' I say, instead of +these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the +proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself +from accepting the honour intended for him, on account of his character +and situation, which would not permit him to be concerned in any such +rencounters. Indeed this mortifying reception was owing to a previous +hint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption from his +governor, had made him acquainted with his design, and assured him, +that the affair should not be brought to any dangerous issue. + +Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with +perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation, +resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any +submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered by +our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, +told him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown the doctor into +an agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge was +a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the ferocity of +the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; +that he had imparted the letter to him, with fear and trembling, on +pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in reality, with a view +of obtaining his good offices in promoting a reconciliation; 'but +perceiving the situation of his mind,' added our hero, 'I thought +it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and +therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the +field, in full assurance that he will there humble himself before +you, even to prostration. In this security you may go and prepare +your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will 'squire +you to the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence +may not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, that were +sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence +of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger; and his +pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty +armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle. + +On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door, +and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice of his +antagonist pronounce,--'Tell Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place +of appointment.' The painter was not a little surprised at this +anticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he had received +from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he fortified himself +with a large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome the +anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition +with his second, betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue +passed, in their way to the ramparts.--'Mr. Pipes,' said the painter, +with disordered accent, 'methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry +with that message of his.'--'Ey, ey,' answered Tom, 'I do suppose he +longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied the other,'d'ye think he +thirsts after my blood?' 'To be sure a does,' (said Pipes, thrusting +a large quid of tobacco into his cheek with great deliberation). +'If that be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake, 'he is no +better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to fight him on +equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, eyed him with a frown of +indignation, saying, 'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied +the challenger, stammering with fear, 'what should I be afraid of? the +worst he can do is to take my life, and then he'll be answerable both +to God and man for the murder: don't you think he will?'--'I think no +such matter,' answered the second: 'if so be as how he puts a brace of +bullets through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder +than if I was to bring down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By +this time Pallet's teeth shattered with such violence, that he could +scarce pronounce this reply.--'Mr. Thomas, you seem to make very light +of a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty I shall not be so easily +brought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his +life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of falling by the hand of +my adversary?' 'You may or you may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes, +'just as it happens. What then! death is a debt that every man owes, +according to the song; and if you set foot to foot, I think one of +you must go to pot.' 'Foot to foot!' exclaimed the terrified painter, +'that's downright butchery; and I'll be damned before I fight any man +on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage +beast?' This declaration he made while they ascended the ramparts. His +attendant, perceiving the physician and his second at the distance of +an hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their appearance, +and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man. Pallet in vain +endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered itself in an +universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in which he +answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,--'I do behave like a man; +but you would have me act the part of a brute.--Are they coming this +way?' When Tom told him that they had faced about, and admonished him +to advance, the nerves of his arm refused their office, he could not +hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, retreated with an +insensibility of motion; till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set +his own back to that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an +inch farther in that direction. + +While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the +terrors of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those +of Pallet, because he was more intent upon disguising them. His +declaration to Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start +any objections when he received the challenge; and finding that the +young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather +congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the painter's +billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general +reflexions, upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first introduced +among civilized nations by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He +likewise pretended to ridicule the use of fire-arms, which confounded +all the distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant of +the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess. + +Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the +same time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs +of this world (ridiculous as they were), on which a man's honour and +reputation depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that +artifice, the republican's agitation became more and more remarkable; +and he proposed, in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, +like the combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that +they should practise the manner of fighting, since they adopted the +disposition of those iron times. + +Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the +sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he +had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired the +armour of Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for their +accommodation; but as there was no possibility of furnishing them +cap-à-pee at Antwerp, he persuaded him to conform to the modern use +of the sword, and meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting +that his fear would supply him with other excuses for declining +the combat, he comforted him with some distant insinuations, to +the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which would, in all +probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen. + +Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the +reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful +look over his left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was +at his heels. When, by the advice of his second, he took possession of +the ground, and turned about with his face to the enemy, it was not so +dark, but that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his +countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; +nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when he regretted +his want of the _pila_ and _parma_, with which he would have made a +rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in springing forward, and singing +the hymn to battle, in the manner of the ancients. + +In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, far +from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his second, +he guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and collecting +all the manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting +by his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol together, +he advanced in a sort of a trot, raising a loud howl, in which he +repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of +Pindar's Pythia, beginning with _ek theon gar mekanai pasai Broteais +aretais_, &c. This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect +upon the painter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a +fury, with a pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing +the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish words he produced, was +seized with an universal palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down +upon the ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand +upon his defence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding +that he had not flinched from the spot, though he had now performed +one half of his career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his +pistol, the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted +painter, than he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with +great vociferation. + +[Illustration] + +The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to yield, +and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon which he threw +away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and even +threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and went up to his +master, stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence. + +The victor, having won the _spolia opima_, granted him his life, +on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon, +acknowledging him inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and +qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by +submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced +by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not +at all calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he +would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged, with great +humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for +this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited from +his father, and suspend his opinion of his talents, until he should +have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his Cleopatra, +which would be finished in less than three months. + +Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no +man could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions +of fear; and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but +there was something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, +in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest +pretension, that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, +though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly, +in hopes of seeing a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested +that there was no dissimulation in the case: for he was ignorant +of his own weakness, until his resolution was put to the trial: he +faithfully promised to demean himself, during the remaining part of +the tour, with that conscious modesty and penitence which became +a person in his condition: and, for the present, implored the +assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable +consequence of his fear. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VIII. + + THE QUACK DOCTOR. + + +The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare to Buxton Wells, to +the High-peak, and many parts of the North; and being inhabited by +many substantial people concerned in the mines, and having also three +or four of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of England, every +year; is a very populous town. + +There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, a very +extraordinary person, in a character, and with an equipage, somewhat +singular and paradoxical: this was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician +of the itinerant kind. The doctor came to town on horseback, yet +dressed in a plaid night gown and red velvet cap. He had a small +reading-desk fixed upon the pummel of his saddle, that supported a +large folio, in which, by the help of a monstrous pair of spectacles, +the doctor seemed to read, as the horse moved slowly on, with a +profound attention. A portmanteau behind him contained his cargo of +sovereign medicines, which, as brick-dust was probably the principal +ingredient, must have been no small burden to his lean steed. + +The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly along, in a +dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, than that of his master. + +The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his merry-andrew (mounted +on a horse-block before the principal inn), had just begun to +harangue the multitude, and the speech with which he introduced +himself each market-day was to this effect-- + +"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently been imposed upon, no +doubt, by quacks and ignorant pretenders to the noble art of physic; +who, in order to gain your attention, have boasted of their many +years' travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote regions +of the habitable globe. One has been physician to the Sophi of +Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the Empress of Russia; and displayed +his skill at Moscow, Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, +perhaps, has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, or corn-cutter +to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand Turk; or has administered a +clyster to the queen of Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord +knows who--as if the wandering about from place to place (supposing +it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. No, gentlemen, don't +be imposed upon by pompous words and magnificent pretensions. He that +goes abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb. + +"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor--But here I am--your +own countryman--your fellow subject--your neighbour, as I may say. +Why, gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born but at +Coventry, where my mother now lives--Mary Stubbs by name. + +"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which I would not +presume to practise the sublime art and mystery of physic. I am the +seventh son of a seventh son. Seven days was I before I sucked the +breast. Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven years +before I was heard to utter seven words; and twice seven years have +I studied, night and day, for the benefit of you, my friends and +countrymen: and now here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to +cure all manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that +out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without fee or +reward--except a trifling gratuity, the prime cost of my medicines; +or what you may choose voluntarily to contribute hereafter, out of +gratitude for the great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will +receive from the use of them. + +"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous,[1]Anti-febri-fuge Tincture; +that cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for +one poor shilling. + +"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm; +that will cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions, +excoriations, and dislocations; and all for sixpence. + +"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr. +Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world, +as an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will +keep seven years, and--be as good as it is now. Here's this large +bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence. + +"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack, +and ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.--Let Dr. Pestle +or Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town +of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me +in seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew--in +High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any +question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of +solid learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders. + +"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but +not one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by +their silence. + +"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum, +Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, +Catharticum.--Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst +health is so cheaply to be purchased." + +After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor told the company, +that as this was the last time of his appearing at Ashbourn (other +parts of the kingdom claiming a part in his patriotic labours), +he was determined to make a present to all those who had been his +patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon all those +who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's bottles, pill-boxes, +plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to make their appearance, and +partake of his generosity. + +This produced no small degree of expectation amongst those that had +been the doctor's customers, who gathered round him, with their hands +stretched out, and with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the +doctor, "stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised to give you a +shilling a-piece. I will immediately perform my promise. Here's my +Balsamum Stubbianum; which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the +bottle, you shall now have it for sixpence." + +"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where are you? Be quick! +Don't stand in your own light. You'll never have such another +opportunity--as long as you live." + +The people looked upon each other with an air of disappointment. +Some shook their heads, some grinned at the conceit, and others +uttered their execrations--some few, however, who had been unwilling +to throw away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to give +a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or nine shillings +more by this stratagem, which was more than the intrinsic value of +his horse-load of medicines. + +[Illustration] + +This egregious quack conceiving that he had now squeezed the last +farthing out of his audience, commenced his retreat from the crowd +with his usual solemnity of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; +when a sly countryman, who had stood near him for some time, and had +listened with a less than ordinary portion of credulity, nay, who +had, indeed, more than once lifted up his eyes in token of disbelief, +and curved his mouth into an arch of humourous contempt--raised a +pitchfork which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into the +posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to crawl underneath +the Doctor and his baggage.--This Rozinante no sooner felt the +insidious prick, than, bent on revenge, she raised her heels with +deadly intent; but in order to raise her heels, the old creature +found it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took that +opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not avoid, of toppling +over her shoulders. While the medical gentleman was performing his +somerset in the air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the +manifest delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed with +joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and filth--purely out of +the extacy of their gratification, another well disposed patient +taking advantage of the moment, presented a besom to the Merry +Andrew, and fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he was +capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots, and nostrums, which +now bestrewed the pavement.--After a few minutes floundering, the +faithful pair regained their legs, and gathering up the remnants of +their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient speed, amidst +the huzzas and laughter of the mob. + +[Illustration] + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English, +a tincture that will bring on a fever. + + + + + POINT IX. + + A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. + + _A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."_ + + +One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim and Brandt, +were reclined on their beds, beginning to drink freely, relating +their high feats, and, with becoming modesty, comparing themselves to +nothing less than an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden +struck with a sort of inspiration.--"We are very comfortable here," +said he to the Baron.--"Very well indeed," replied Ferdinand XV. with +a slight symptom of ebriety.--"No more guard at night."--"No longer +compelled to drink water."--"No more black bread, Colonel."--"No +more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them sometimes, eh?"--"Aye, +but with the loss of an eye."--"And my poor arm, you have not forgot +that?"--"No more than I have your leg."--"My leg, my leg, ah! that +was a sad affair."--"Your health, Colonel." "Your's, Brandt."--"I +foresee but one little accident, my Lord, that can disturb our +present felicity."--"What's that?"--"O nothing, a mere trifle.--I +was thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they please, +turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."--"Faith! I had +forgot those scoundrels;" answered the Baron, drinking a bumper; +"however, you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect the +rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive them in that +famous tower, where Witikind, with only thirty Saxons, stopped, for +three days, an army of one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne +in person. The place will inspire them with that veneration for my +person which its shattered state no longer enforces." "I will go, +Colonel."--"If they are reasonable--we will pay them."--"If they are +not--we must sabre them."--"That is well said, Brandt,--bravo!"--"Let +us drink, Colonel."--"With all my heart."-- + +The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled his horse, +gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the Israelites, imparted to +them the good intentions of his master, appointed a day the Colonel +would be ready to receive them, and then returned to the castle. + +The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post in the hour of +battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment of his mistress, or +of a courtier at the levee, is not to be compared with the precision +of a Jew, who has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on the +appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before the Baron had +slept himself sober. Brandt went to inform him of the arrival of his +creditors, assisted him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet +lined with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand XIII. and which +Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but to give his public audiences; tied +his sabre over the said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols +in his belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over that of +dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The Baron, thus accoutred, came +forth from his bed-chamber, leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked +majestically through two rows, formed by his creditors, and was +followed by them to the tower of Witikind. + +[Illustration] + +After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked sword and his +pistols, the Baron seated himself in an immense arm-chair, stroked +his whiskers, and spoke in the following terms:-- + +"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here to free myself from +your importunities."--The Jews made a profound reverence. "I have +served the descendant of Cæsar, who is no better than the descendant of +Witikind:--but, no matter, I have served him. I have been in want of +money, and have subscribed to your own terms; now I hold the purse, and +dictate in my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided you +sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews were shocked at this proposal, +and were about to expostulate, but Brandt, giving them a fierce look, +imposed silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The creditors shook +their heads, in token of discontent. Ferdinand XV. swore, by his +ancestors, that he would cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to +approach his castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, +by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat the Saxon Jews, as +the Arabian Jews had treated the Amalekites, if they did not agree to +a compromise; on saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads +of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. A Jew has no +fear for his head, when he trembles for his money. + +The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his teeth, and was a +little embarrassed, when Brandt, who loved gentle means as well as +any body, when he found nothing else would succeed, advised the +Colonel to leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself by +a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of the first who +should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites in the tower. + +Although they passed a great part of the day without food, they still +continued obstinate. At length their physical thirst equalled their +thirst for gold, and they endeavoured to move the iron bars, which +Ferdinand XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, who +was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who kept a sharp look-out, +opposed himself so warmly to their attempt that they were obliged +to abandon it. They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply +was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The Jews signified their +dissent by withdrawing from the window. + +When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, lighted a +fire at the foot of the tower, and he and the Jews spent the hours in +watching each other's motions. The next morning, the prisoners began +to feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded a parley. +"Will you have half?" was again the demand of the inflexible Brandt. +"We will take two thirds," said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear +it, and continued to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder. + +At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist the hunger +which tormented them, requested another conference; and, with seeming +reluctance, agreed to take the half of their debt. "You shall have +but one third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate +instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, almost +fainting, said, "Give us the half."--"You shall have but a quarter," +said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude for a quarter," replied the +Israelite: "there are Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews." + +Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a small ink-stand, +tied the whole at the end of a long pole, which he presented to the +prisoners, and ordered them to give a receipt for three parts of the +debt, which was executed instantly, and he received it back by the +same conveyance. He carried this valuable acquisition to the Baron, +from whom he received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to +the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly careful +in obtaining the title-deeds. He then conducted the Jews to the door, +with great civility, and they departed, wishing him most heartily at +the devil. + +By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner in which the +Baron had discharged his debts, Brandt placed upon the table a large +piece of smoked bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, +for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, even at +the risk of not finding their way to bed until the next morning. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT X. + + _A Scene from Shakspeare._ + + + _Enter Fluellen and Gower._ + +_Gow._ Nay, that's right: but why wear you your leek to day? St. +David's day is past. + +_Flu._ There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things; +I will tell you as a friend, Captain Gower; the rascally, scauld, +beggarly, lowsie, pragging knave Pistol, which you and yourself and +all the world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you now) of no +merits; he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look +you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could breed no +contentions with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it in my cap, +till I see him once again; and then I will tell him a little piece of +my desires. + + _Enter Pistol._ + +_Gow._ Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock. + +_Flu._ 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. God +plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, lowsie knave, God plesse +you. + + _Pist._ Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan, + To have me fold up Parca's fatal web? + Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek. + +[Illustration] + +_Flu._ I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, at my desires, +and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek: +because, look you, you do not love it; and your affections, and your +appetites, and your digestions, does not agree with it; I would +desire you to eat it. + +_Pist._ Not for Cadwallader and all his goats. + + _Flu._ There is one goat for you, [_Strikes him._ + Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it? + +_Pist._ Base Trojan, thou shalt die. + +_Flu._ You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is: I will +desire you to live in the mean time and eat your victuals; come, +there is sawce for it---- [_Strikes him_] You call'd me yesterday, +Mountain-Squire, but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I +pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek. + +_Gow._ Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him. + +_Flu._ I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will +peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, I pray you; it is good +for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb. + +_Pist._ Must I bite? + +_Flu._ Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and ambiguities. + +_Pist._ By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I eat and +swear---- + +_Flu._ Eat, I pray you; will you have some more sawce to your leek? +there is not enough leek to swear by. + +_Pist._ Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat. + +_Flu._ Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw +none away, the skin is good for your proken coxcomb: when you take +occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's all. + +_Pist._ Good. + +_Flu._ Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to heal your +pate. + +_Pist._ Me a groat! + +_Flu._ Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or I have +another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat. + +_Pist._ I take thy groat in earnest of revenge. + +_Flu._ If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; you shall +be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, +and keep you, and heal your pate. + + [_Exit._ + +_Pist._ All hell shall stir for this. + + +_Gow._ Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: will you mock at +an antient tradition, began upon an honourable respect, and worn as a +memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your +deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this +gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak +English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English +cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction +teach you a good English condition: fare you well. + + [_Exit._ + +[Illustration] + + + + + =Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.= + + PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO. + + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Collected by MM. GRIMM, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12 + Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a + curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'--New Monthly + Magazine. + + + A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Illustrated by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke + very favorably; and what with the German varieties in this + sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of + George Cruikshank, certain it is that volume the second deserves + almost equal praise.'--Literary Gazette. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR, + +Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, on Copper and +Wood. Parts 1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India + proofs 12s. 6d. each. + + + GREENWICH HOSPITAL, + +A Series of NAVAL SKETCHES, descriptive of the Life of a +Man-of-War's-Man, by an OLD SAILOR. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve +characteristic Illustrations on Copper by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, coloured +in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price One +Guinea, boards. + + 'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of + George Cruikshank, we have put this article at the head of our + department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace. + Yet it must not be fancied that we mean to derogate from the + literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour + and genuine nautical characteristics so often occupied that + portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten + and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far + greater number of them) now so cleverly brought together, + were originally printed in our columns, where they obtained + so much popularity, as to lead to their being republished in + this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry, + grotesque, and laughable designs.'--Literary Gazette. + + + MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET, + +A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by JOHN +WIGHT, of the Morning Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 10s. 6d. A few copies are printed +on India paper, price 15s. + + India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price + 10s. 6d. and 6s. + + + TALES OF IRISH LIFE, + +Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People, +collected during a residence of several years in various parts of +Ireland, with Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In 2 vols. price 12s. + + 'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in + these fictions; while, at the same time, they are characteristic + and amusing.'--Literary Gazette. + + 'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient + to render any tales immortal.'--British Press. + + 'A hue of nature pervades them--an air of reality invests + them;--life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents and upon + the characters.'--Dublin Morning Register. + + 'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'--Dublin and + London Magazine. + + 'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly + worthy of their attention.'--Critical Gazette. + + + HANS OF ICELAND, + + A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. Price + 7s. 6d. + + 'Some say this monster was a witch, + Some say he was a devil.'--Dragon of Wantley. + + 'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best + productions of its class which we have seen. There is a power + about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's + designs are capital.'--Literary Gazette. + + + THE HUMOURIST; + +A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty +Sayings, &c. Original and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured +Plates, Drawn and Engraved by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In Four Volumes, 5s. +each. + + + ECCENTRIC TALES, + +From the German of W. F. VON KOSEWITZ. Embellished with twenty coloured +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, from Sketches by ALFRED CROWQUILL. + Price 15s. + + + MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON, + +by GEO. CLINTON, ESQ. with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by +GEO. CRUIKSHANK. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + + +Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44572 *** diff --git a/44572-h/44572-h.htm b/44572-h/44572-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9e5bca --- /dev/null +++ b/44572-h/44572-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2545 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> + <link rel="coverpage" href="images/i_001.jpg" /> + <title> + Points of Humour: Part II., by George Cruikshank--A Project Gutenberg eBook. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; +} + + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; +} + + .oldenglish { + font-family: "Old English Text MT" +} + +p { + margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; +} + +hr { + margin: 3em auto 3em auto; + height: 0px; + border-width: 1px 0 0 0; + border-style: solid; + border-color: #dcdcdc; + width: 500px; + clear: both; +} + +hr.tb { + width: 250px; + margin: 3em auto 3em auto; +} + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + color: #999; +} /* page numbers */ + + .center {text-align: center;} + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + +/* Images */ + .figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + +/* Transcriber Notes */ +div.tn { + background-color: #EEE; + border: dashed 1px; + color: #000; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 5em; + margin-bottom: 5em; + padding: 1em; +} + +ul.corrections { + list-style-type: circle; +} + +/* Footnotes */ +div.fn { + background-color: #EEE; + border: dashed 1px; + color: #000; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + margin-top: 5em; + margin-bottom: 5em; + padding: 1em; +} + + .footnote { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + text-indent: -2em; + font-size: 0.9em; +} + + .footnote .label { + right: 84%; + text-align: right; +} + + .fnanchor { + vertical-align: super; + font-size: .8em; + text-decoration: none; +} + +/* Poetry */ + .poem { + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + text-align: left; +} + + .poem br { display: none; } + + .poem .stanza { margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; } + + .signature { + text-align: right; + margin-right: 5%; +} + + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i33 {display: block; margin-left: 16.5em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 3em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + + </style> + </head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44572 ***</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + + + +<h2>POINTS</h2> + +<h6>OF</h6> + +<h1>HUMOUR.</h1> + +<h6>ILLUSTRATED BY</h6> + +<h4><span class="oldenglish">A Series of Plates,</span></h4> + +<h3>FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.</h3> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h4>TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS.</h4> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6">"<i>Let me play the fool:</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And let my liver rather heat with wine,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Than my heart cool with mortifying groans.</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster?</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>By being peevish?</i>"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i33"><span class="smcap">Shakspeare.</span><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h3>PART II.</h3> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Price</span> 8<i>s.</i></h3> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h3>LONDON:</h3> + +<h3>PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE,<br /> +PATERNOSTER ROW.</h3> +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="POINTS" id="POINTS">POINTS</a></h2> + +<h6>OF</h6> + +<h1>HUMOUR;</h1> + +<h4><span class="oldenglish">Illustrated</span></h4> + +<h6>BY THE</h6> + +<h3>DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.</h3> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h4>PART II.</h4> + +<h4>LONDON:</h4> + +<h4>PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET.</h4> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h4>1824.</h4> +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span></p> + +<h6>LONDON:</h6> + +<h6>Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch-street.</h6> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE">PREFACE.</a></h2> + + +<p>The best preface to <i>this</i> set of the <span class="smcap">Points of Humour</span> +is the <i>former</i> set, which, we are credibly informed, +has favorably disposed the muscles of our readers for +repeating a certain cackling sound, which is heart-food +to our friend George Cruikshank.</p> + +<p>One individual, for certain, has laughed over these +<span class="smcap">Points</span>, and he is a very worthy gentleman, who may +be discerned wedging his way through sundry piles of +books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being +opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever +asked him after the sale of this little work, without observing +an instantaneous distension of that feature of +the face which is used for more purposes than merely +grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this second +set will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a +coarse saying goes, "he will not be made to sing to +another tune."</p> + +<p>The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or +whatever name the daily or weekly critics may give +him, for they have given him all these, will, undoubtedly, +be heartily sorry should this change take place, +for he avows that since the publication of the <span class="smcap">Points</span>, +the face of the worthy gentleman alluded to has been +illuminated by one unclouded sunshine, so much so, indeed,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span> +that to enter his shop has been a constant resource +against melancholy during this gloomy weather. A +face lighted up with good humour in a dark shop, is +like a blaze of light in the middle of one of Rembrandt's +murky pictures.</p> + +<p>It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or +rather <i>followed</i> a hint of one of the critics upon this +little book. He has resorted for part of his materials, +to the author, who is the richest of all in the humour of +<i>situation</i>. Fielding has been suggested; but though +some things, excellent in their kind, might be found +in him, yet it will be observed, on a more accurate consideration, +that this admirable author is infinitely less +adapted to the pencil of Cruikshank, than his successor +in the walk of humour. Fielding is a master in the +power of laying open all the springs which regulate the +motion of that curious piece of mechanism, the human +heart. He wrote with the inspiration of genius, and is +true to nature in her minutest circumstances. He involuntarily +and unconsciously catches the look, the +word, the gesture, which would undoubtedly have manifested +itself, and which is in itself a strong gleam of +light upon the whole character. His <i>dramatis personæ</i> +are not, generally, very extraordinary people.—He dealt +in that which is <i>common</i> to all. While, on the contrary, +Smollett is rich in that which is uncommon and eccentric. +His field is among oddities, hobby-horses, foibles, +and singularities of all kinds, which he groups in the +most extraordinary manner, and colours for the most +striking effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied smile, +but it is over the page of Smollett that the loud laugh +is heard to break forth.—How much at home our artist<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span> +is in the conception of Smollett may be seen in the +following plates.</p> + +<p>It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank +should waste his talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and +not hand down his name by illustrating the works of +our great Novelists. As well might it have been said +to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting +upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." +Genius consecrates and immortalizes all it touches.—If +the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral, the plates will +stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint +his <i>Rake's Progress</i> in illustration of any immortal +work, nor does it require a set of octavo volumes to remind +posterity of his existence.</p> + +<p>A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, +would chuse rather to exalt the humble, than +endow the rich.</p> + +<p>We have an observation to make respecting one of +the plates, the last in the order. It will be seen that +the costume of the characters there pourtrayed, is essentially +different from that adopted by every illustrator +of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. +The proper authorities have been in this, as in other +cases, diligently consulted, and it has appeared that +these artists, in their endeavour to discover the dress of +our ancestors, have stopped short at the reign of +Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>, 1824.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2><a name="NOTICE" id="NOTICE">NOTICE.</a></h2> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>As there are Works continually advertised "<i>with Plates by Cruikshank</i>," +the Public are particularly requested to observe, that <i>George</i> Cruikshank +has no connexion with any Publications to which his Christian Name is +not affixed; and that all Works, for which he has made Designs, are advertised +with his name in full. He has made Designs for the following +Works:—</p> + + +<p class="center">ITALIAN TALES.</p> + +<p class="center">Just published, price 10s. in one volume beautifully printed, with sixteen Original Designs by +George Cruikshank,</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="oldenglish">Italian Tales</span></p> + +<p class="center">OF HUMOUR, GALLANTRY, AND ROMANCE.</p> + +<p class="center">Selected and translated from a variety of Authors.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"This volume of light entertainment possesses considerable merit, and its embellishments +are of the best kind. The ability of Mr. George Cruikshank is so +well known, that to say he does not in the present volume fall short of his former +excellence, is sufficient praise. Many of his designs are exceedingly graceful +and are executed with singular delicacy."—<i>New Monthly Magazine.</i></p> + +<p>"Cruikshank has illustrated these Italian Tales with a grace which (without +imitation) approaches the beauty of Stothard's compositions."—<i>Westminster +Review, No. I.</i></p></blockquote> + + +<p class="center">Second Edition, in 12mo. (250 pages) price 7s. with 12 plates, designed and engraved by +George Cruikshank,</p> + +<p class="center">GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Translated from the Kinder und Haus-Märchen of</i></p> + +<p class="center">M. M. GRIMM.</p> + +<p class="center">With a <span class="smcap">Preface</span> and <span class="smcap">Notes</span> by the Translators.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"This book ought to be in possession of the man as a curiosity, and of the +child as an amusement."—<i>New Monthly Magazine.</i></p> + +<p>"The little book published last winter, '<i>German Nursery Tales</i>, with etchings +by Cruikshank,' was executed in a style very superior to the '<i>Tales of the Northern +Nations</i>.' The Translator, whoever he be, displayed a great deal of tact +in transferring these Stories with so much of their native naïveté."</p> + +<p class="signature"> +<i>Blackwood's Magazine, October</i> 1.<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="center">Vol. II. is preparing for Publication.</p> + + +<p class="center">POINTS OF HUMOUR.—No. I.</p> + +<p>⁂ An <i>imitation</i> of the last Work having appeared, <i>George</i> Cruikshank +takes leave to say, that he did not make a single Drawing for it.</p> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_I" id="POINT_I">POINT I.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE THREE HUNCHBACKS.</h3> + + +<p>At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle +on the bank of a river near a bridge. The master of +this castle was hunchbacked. Nature had exhausted +her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical figure. +In place of understanding, she had given him an immense +head, which nevertheless was lost between his +two shoulders: he had thick hair, a short neck, and a +horrible visage.</p> + +<p>Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself +of falling in love with a beautiful young woman, +the daughter of a poor but respectable burgess of +Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he was +the richest person in the district, the poor girl was +delivered up to him. After the nuptials he was as +much an object of pity as she, for, being devoured +by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night nor day, but +went prying and rambling every where, and suffered +no stranger to enter the castle.</p> + +<p>One day during the Christmas festival, while standing +sentinel at his gate, he was accosted by three +humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him as a brother, +as such asked him for refreshments, and at the +same time, to establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously +shouldered their humps at him. Contrary to +expectation, he conducted them to his kitchen, gave +them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money +over and above. Before their departure, however, he +warned them never to return on pain of being thrown<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> +into the river. At this threat of the Chatelain the +minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to the +town, singing in full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque +manner, in derision of their brother-hump of +the castle. He, on his part, without paying farther +attention, went to walk in the fields.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_011" id="i_011"></a> + <img src="images/i_011.jpg" alt="Three Hunchbacks" title="Three Hunchbacks" /> +</div> + +<p>The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, +and had heard the minstrels, called them back to +amuse her. They had not been long returned to the +castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by +which she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. +Fortunately, the lady perceived in a neighbouring +room three empty coffers. Into each of these she +stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened +the gate to her husband. He had only come back +to espy the conduct of his wife as usual, and, after a +short stay, went out anew, at which you may believe +his wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to +the coffers to release her prisoners, for night was approaching +and her husband would not probably be +long absent. But what was her dismay, when she +found them all three suffocated! Lamentation, however, +was useless. The main object now was to get +rid of the dead bodies, and she had not a moment +to lose. She ran then to the gate, and seeing a peasant<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> +go by, she offered him a reward of thirty livres, +and leading him into the castle, she took him to one +of the coffers, and shewing him its contents, told him +he must throw the dead body into the river: he asked +for a sack, put the carcase into it, pitched it over the +bridge, and then returned quite out of breath to claim +the promised reward.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_012" id="i_012"></a> + <img src="images/i_012.jpg" alt="Lady hiding three Hunchbacks" title="Lady hiding three Hunchbacks" /> +</div> + +<p>"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, +"but you ought first to fulfil the condition of the +bargain—you have agreed to rid me of the dead body, +have you not? There, however, it is still." Saying +this, she showed him the other coffer in which the +second humpbacked minstrel had expired. At this +sight the clown was perfectly confounded—"how the +devil! come back! a sorcerer!"—he then stuffed the +body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over +the bridge, taking care to put the head down and to +observe that it sank.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position +of the coffers, so that the third was now in the place +which had been successively occupied by the two +others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him +the remaining dead body—"you are right, friend," +said she, "he must be a magician, for there he is +again." The rustic gnashed his teeth with rage. +"What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry +about this humpback?" He then lifted him up, +with dreadful imprecations, and having tied a stone +round the neck, threw him into the middle of the +current, threatening, if he came out a third time, to +despatch him with a cudgel.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_015a" id="i_015a"></a> + <img src="images/i_015a.jpg" alt="Man carrying Hunchback" title="Man carrying Hunchback" /> +</div> + +<p>The first object that presented itself to the clown, +on his way back for his reward, was the hunchbacked +master of the castle returning from his evening walk,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> +and making towards the gate. At this sight the +peasant could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of +a humpback, are you there again?" So saying, he +sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his shoulders, +and hurled him headlong into the river after the +minstrels.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_015b" id="i_015b"></a> + <img src="images/i_015b.jpg" alt="People watching a puppet show" title="People watching a puppet show" /> +</div> + +<p>"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this +last time," said the peasant, entering the room where +the lady was seated. She answered, she had not. +"You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer +was already at the gate, but I have taken care of +him—be at your ease—he will not come back now."</p> + +<p>The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, +and recompensed the peasant with much satisfaction.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_017" id="i_017"></a> + <img src="images/i_017.jpg" alt="Fat cook denouncing a soldier in front of a lord" title="Fat cook denouncing a soldier in front of a lord" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_II" id="POINT_II">POINT II.</a></h2> + +<h3>A RELISH BEFORE DINNER.</h3> + + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_019" id="i_019"></a> + <img src="images/i_019.jpg" alt="Hand trying to stick a fork into a horseman" title="Hand trying to stick a fork into a horseman" /> +</div> + +<p>When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging +Prague, a boor, of a most extraordinary +visage, desired admittance to his tent; and being +allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, +to devour a large hog in his presence. The old general +Konigsmark, who stood by the king's side, notwithstanding +his bravery, had not got rid of the prejudices +of his childhood, and hinted to his royal master, +that the peasant ought to be burnt as a sorcerer. +"Sir," said the fellow, irritated at the remark, "if +your majesty will but make that old gentleman take +off his sword and spurs, I will eat him before I begin +the pig." General Konigsmark, who had, at the +head of a body of Swedes, performed wonders against +the Austrians, could not stand this proposal, especially +as it was accompanied by a most hideous expansion +of the jaws and mouth. Without uttering +a word, the veteran turned pale and suddenly ran out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> +of the tent, and did not think himself safe till he +arrived at his quarters, where he remained above +twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he got rid +of the panic which had so strongly seized him.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_021" id="i_021"></a> + <img src="images/i_021.jpg" alt="Man surrounded by gluttonous spirits" title="Man surrounded by gluttonous spirits" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_III" id="POINT_III">POINT III.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS.</h3> + + +<p>A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought +every where for a skilful physician in whom he could +place confidence, and to whose care he might confide +a life so dear to him. In the course of his search he +met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might +be rendered visible. The young man exchanged, for +this talisman, half his possessions, and having secured +his treasure, ran with it to the house of a famous +physician. Flocking round the door he beheld a +crowd of shades, the ghosts of those persons whom +this physician had killed. Some old, some young; +some the skeletons of fat old men; some gigantic +frames of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants +and squalling women; all joined in menaces and +threats against the house of the physician—the den +of their destroyer—who however peacefully marched +through them with his cane to his chin, and a grave +and solemn air. The same vision presented itself, +more or less, at the house of every physician of eminence. +One at length was pointed out to him in a +distant quarter of the city, at whose door he only perceived +two little ghosts. "Behold," exclaimed he, +with a joyful cry, "the good physician of whom I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +have been so long in search!" The doctor, astonished, +asked him how he had been able to discover this? +"Pardon me," said the afflicted lover complacently, +"your ability and your reputation are well known to +me." "My reputation!" said the physician, "why I +have been in Paris but eight days, and in that time +I have had but <span class="smcap">two</span> patients." "Good God!" involuntarily +exclaimed the young man, "and there +they are!"</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_023" id="i_023"></a> + <img src="images/i_023.jpg" alt="Man pointing to spirits above a doorway" title="Man pointing to spirits above a doorway" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_IV" id="POINT_IV">POINT IV.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS.</h3> + + +<p>There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was +blind, and his evil destiny reduced him to beg from +door to door. He had been so long accustomed to +walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none +to lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's +doors, and not answer till they opened to him. One +day he knocked thus, and the master of the house, +who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac made +no answer, and knocked a second time: the master of +the house asked again and again, "who is there?" but +to no purpose, no one answered; upon which he came +down, opened the door, and asked the man what he +wanted? "Give me something, for Heaven's sake," said +Backbac; "you seem to be blind," replied the master +of the house; "yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac. +"Give me your hand," resumed the master of the house; +he did so, thinking he was going to give him alms; but +he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his +chamber. Backbac thought he had been carrying him +to dine with him, as many people had done. When they +reached the chamber, the man let go his hand, and sitting +down, asked him again what he wanted? "I have +already told you," said Backbac, "that I want something<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> +for God's sake." "Good blind man," replied the +master of the house, "all that I can do for you is to +wish that God may restore your sight." "You might +have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and +not have given me the trouble to come up stairs." "And +why, fool," said the man of the house, "do not you answer +at first, when people ask you who is there? why +do you give any body the trouble to come and open the +door when they speak to you?"—"What will you do +with me then?" asked Backbac; "I tell you again," +said the man of the house, "I have nothing to give +you." "Help me down the stairs then, as you brought +me up."—"The stairs are before you," said the man of +the house, "and you may go down by yourself if you +will." The blind man attempted to descend, but missing +a step, about the middle of the stairs, fell to the +bottom and hurt his head and his back: he got up +again with much difficulty, and went out, cursing the +master of the house, who laughed at his fall.</p> + +<p>As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, +his companions, were going by, knew him by his voice, +and asked him what was the matter? He told them +what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have +eaten nothing to day; I conjure you to go along with +me to my house, that I may take some of this money +that we four have in common, to buy me something for +supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home +with him.</p> + +<p>You must know that the master of the house where +Backbac was so ill used, was a robber, and of a cunning +and malicious disposition; he overheard from his window +what Backbac had said to his companions, and +came down and followed them to Backbac's house. +The blind men being seated, Backbac said to them,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> +"brothers, we must shut the door, and take care there +be no stranger with us." At this the robber was much +perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a +beam, he caught hold of it, and hung by it while the +blind men shut the door, and felt about the room with +their sticks. When they had done, and had sat down +again in their places, the robber left his rope, and seated +himself softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself +alone with his blind comrades, said to them, "brothers, +since you have trusted me with the money, which we +have been a long time gathering, I will shew you that +I am not unworthy of the confidence you repose in me. +The last time we reckoned, you know that we had ten +thousand dirhems, and that we put them into ten bags: +I will shew you that I have not touched one of them;" +having so said, he put his hand among some old clothes, +and taking out the bags one after another, gave them +to his comrades, saying, "there they are: you may +judge by their weight that they are whole, or you may +tell them if you please." His comrades answered, "there +was no need, they did not mistrust him;" so he opened +one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems, and each of +the other blind men did the like.</p> + +<p>Backbac put the bags into their place again; after +which, one of the blind men said to him, "there is +no need to lay out any thing for supper, for I have +collected as much victuals from good people as will +serve us all:" at the same time he took out of his bag +bread and cheese, and some fruit, and putting all upon +the table, they began to eat. The robber, who sat at +Backbac's right hand, picked out the best, and eat +with them; but, whatever care he took to make no +noise, Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out +immediately, "We are undone, there is a stranger<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> +among us!" Having so said, he stretched out his +hand, and caught hold of the robber by the arm, +cried out "<i>thieves!</i>" fell upon him, and struck him. +The other blind men fell upon him in like manner; +the robber defended himself as well as he could, and +being young and vigorous, besides having the advantage +of his eyes, he swung by the hanging rope, and +gave furious kicks, sometimes to one, sometimes to +another, and cried out "<i>thieves!</i>" louder than they did. +The neighbours came running at the noise, broke open +the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants; +but having at last succeeded, they asked the +cause of their quarrel. Backbac, who still had hold +of the robber, cried out, "gentlemen, this man I have +hold of is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose to +rob us of the little money we have." The thief, who +shut his eyes as soon as the neighbours came, feigned +himself blind, and exclaimed, "gentlemen, he is a liar. +I swear to you by heavens, and by the life of the +caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to +give me my just share. They have all four fallen upon +me, and I demand justice." The neighbours would not +interfere in their quarrel, but carried them all before +the judge. When they came before the magistrate, +the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out, +still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed +to administer justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, +I declare to you that we are equally criminal, my four +comrades and I; but we have all engaged, upon oath, +to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that +if you would know our crime, you need only order us +to be bastinadoed, and begin with me." Backbac +would have spoken, but was not allowed to do so, +and the robber was put under the bastinado.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_028" id="i_028"></a> + <img src="images/i_028.jpg" alt="Brawl in a household" title="Brawl in a household" /> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<p>The robber, being under the bastinado, had the +courage to bear twenty or thirty blows: when, pretending +to be overcome with pain, he first opened one +eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, +begged the judge would put a stop to the blows. +The judge, perceiving that he looked upon him with +his eyes open, was much surprised, and said to him, +"rogue, what is the meaning of this miracle?" "Sir," +replied the robber, "I will discover to you an important +secret, if you will pardon me, and give me, as a +pledge that you will keep your word, the seal-ring +which you have on your finger." The judge consented, +gave him his ring, and promised him pardon. +"Under this promise," continued the robber, "I must +confess to you, sir, that I and my four comrades do +all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, +that we might freely enter people's houses, and women's +apartments, where we abuse their weakness. +I must farther confess to you, that by this trick we +have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I +demanded of my partners two thousand that belonged +to my share, but they refused, because I told them +I would leave them, and they were afraid I should accuse +them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, +they fell upon me; for which I appeal to those people +who brought us before you. I expect from your justice, +sir, that you will make them deliver me the two +thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have +a mind that my comrades should confess the truth, +you must order them three times as many blows as I +have had, and you will find they will open their eyes +as well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three +blind men, would have cleared themselves of this horrid +charge, but the judge would not hear them; "villains,"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then, +and, under that pretext of moving their compassion, +cheat people, and commit such crimes?" "He is an +impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take God to witness +that none of us can see." All that Backbac could +say was in vain, his comrades and he received each +of them two hundred blows. The judge expected +them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their obstinacy +what really they could not do; all the while +the robber said to the blind men, "<i>Poor fools that you +are, open your eyes, and do not suffer yourselves to be +beaten to death.</i>" Then addressing himself to the judge, +said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously +obstinate to the last, and will never open their eyes. +They wish certainly to avoid the shame of reading +their own condemnation in the face of every one that +looks upon them; it were better, if you think fit, to +pardon them, and to send some person along with me +for the ten thousand dirhems they have hidden."</p> + +<p>The judge consented to give the robber two thousand +dirhems, and kept the rest himself; and as for +Backbac and his three companions, he thought he +shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_031" id="i_031"></a> + <img src="images/i_031.jpg" alt="Children playing around a tree" title="Children playing around a tree" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_V" id="POINT_V">POINT V.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE CONSULTATION.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."</i></p> + + +<p>Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, +was an old officer, whose temper, naturally impatient, +was, by repeated attacks of the gout, which had almost +deprived him of the use of his limbs, sublimated +into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: +he imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to +the mal-practice of a surgeon who had administered to +him, while he laboured under the consequences of an +unfortunate amour; and this supposition had inspired +him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors +of the medical art, which was more and more +confirmed by the information of a friend at London, +who had told him, that it was a common practice +among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their patients +from drinking the water, that the cure, and in +consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted.</p> + +<p>Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable +to a few general instructions he had received, +used the waters without any farther direction, taking +all occasions of manifesting his hatred and contempt +of the sons of Æsculapius, both by speech and gesticulations,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> +and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary +to that which he knew they prescribed to others +who seemed to be exactly in his condition. But he +did not find his account in this method, how successful +soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, +instead of vanishing, were every day more +and more enraged; and at length he was confined +to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to +night, and from night to morn, though still more determined +than ever to adhere to his former maxims.</p> + +<p>In the midst of his torture, which was become the +common joke of the town, being circulated through +the industry of the physicians, who triumphed in his +disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed +a country fellow, who had come to market, to run +with great haste, early one morning, to the lodgings +of all the doctors in town, and desire them to attend +the colonel with all imaginable despatch. In consequence +of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves +in motion; and three of the foremost arriving +at the same instant of time, far from complimenting +one another with the door, each separately essayed to +enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage; +while they remained thus wedged together, they descried +two of their brethren posting towards the same +goal, with all the speed that God had enabled them to +exert; upon which they came to a parley, and agreed +to stand by one another. This covenant being made, +they disentangled themselves, and, inquiring about the +patient, were told by the servant that he had just fallen +asleep.</p> + +<p>Having received this intelligence, they took possession +of his antichamber, and shut the door, while the +rest of the tribe posted themselves on the outside as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +they arrived; so that the whole passage was filled, +from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and +the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, +struck dumb with astonishment. The three +leaders of this learned gang had no sooner made their +lodgement good, than they began to consult about +the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended +to have considered with great care and assiduity. +The first who gave his opinion said, the distemper +was an obstinate arthritis; the second affirmed, +that it was no other than a confirmed lues; and the +third swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity +of opinions was supported by a variety of quotations +from medical authors, ancient as well as modern; +but these were not of sufficient authority, or at least +not explicit enough, to decide the dispute; for there +are many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, +and each set can quote the fathers in support of the +tenets they profess. In short, the contention rose to +such a pitch of clamour, as not only alarmed the +brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient +from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten +whole days. Had it been simply waking, he would +have been obliged to them for the noise that disturbed +him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved +from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, +he fancied himself exposed: but this dreadful vision +had been the result of that impression which was +made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish of his +joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of +being allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great +acuteness of sensation; and the confused vociferation +in the next room invading his ears at the same time, +he began to think his dream was realized, and, in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +pangs of despair, applied himself to a bell that stood +by his bedside, which he rung with great violence and +perseverance.</p> + +<p>This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation +of the three doctors, who, upon this notice of his +being awake, rushed into his chamber without ceremony; +and two of them seizing his arms, the third +made the like application to one of his temples. Before +the patient could recollect himself from the amazement +which had laid hold on him at this unexpected +irruption, the room was filled by the rest of the faculty, +who followed the servant that entered in obedience to +his master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded +by these gaunt ministers of death. The colonel +seeing himself beset with such an assemblage of +solemn visages and figures, which he had always considered +with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, +was incensed to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; +and so inspirited by his rage, that, though +his tongue denied its office, his other limbs performed +their functions: he disengaged himself from the triumvirate, +who had taken possession of his body, +sprung out of bed with incredible agility, and, seizing +one of his crutches, applied it so effectually to one of +the three, just as he stooped to examine the patient's +water, that his tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while +he himself fell motionless on the floor.</p> + +<p>This significant explanation disconcerted the whole +fraternity; every man turned his face, as if it were by +instinct, towards the door; and the retreat of the +community being obstructed by the efforts of individuals, +confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for +the colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first +exploit, handled his weapon with astonishing vigour<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> +and dexterity, without respect of persons; so that +few or none of them had escaped without marks of +his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk +down again quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured +by this respite, the discomfited faculty collected their +hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray; and +perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew +the attack, set up their throats altogether, and loudly +threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous +assault.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_036" id="i_036"></a> + <img src="images/i_036.jpg" alt="Fight in a bed chamber" title="Fight in a bed chamber" /> +</div> + +<p>By this time the landlord had interposed; and +inquiring into the cause of the disturbance, was informed +of what had happened by the complainants, +who, at the same time, giving him to understand that +they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel +that morning, he assured them, that they had +been imposed upon by some wag, for his lodger had +never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.</p> + +<p>Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour +instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, +at once comprehending the nature of the joke, they +sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained, +in unutterable shame and mortification, while Peregrine +and his friend, who took care to be passing that way +by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary +efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and +condition of every one as he appeared; nay, even made +up to some of those who seemed most affected with +their situation, and mischievously tormented them with +questions touching this unusual congregation; then, +in consequence of the information they received from +the landlord and the colonel's valet, subjected the +sufferers to the ridicule of all the company in town.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> +As it would have been impossible for the authors of the +farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable +inquiries of the physicians, they made no secret +of their having directed the whole; though they took +care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as afforded +no handle of prosecution.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_039" id="i_039"></a> + <img src="images/i_039.jpg" alt="Man beset by figurative maladies" title="Man beset by figurative maladies" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_VI" id="POINT_VI">POINT VI.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE DINNER.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."</i></p> + + +<p>Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired +the full confidence of the doctor, who invited him to +an entertainment, which he intended to prepare in the +manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this +idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured +with many encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy +of his genius and apprehension; and the day was appointed +at some distance of time, that the treater +might have leisure to compose certain pickles and confections, +which were not to be found among the culinary +preparations of these degenerate days.</p> + +<p>With a view of rendering the physician's taste more +conspicuous, and extracting from it more diversion, +Peregrine proposed that some foreigners should partake +of the banquet; and the task being left to his care and +discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a +French marquis, an Italian count, and a German +baron, whom he knew to be most egregious coxcombs, +and therefore more likely to enhance the joy of the +entertainment.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted +them to the hotel where the physician lodged, after<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +having regaled their expectations with an elegant meal +in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were received +by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, +while his friend superintended the cook below. By this +communicative painter, the guests understood that the +doctor had met with numerous difficulties in the execution +of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had +been dismissed, because they could not prevail upon +their own consciences to obey his directions in things +that were contrary to the present practice of their art; +and that although he had at last engaged a person, by +an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, +the fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed, +at the commands he had received, that his hair stood +on end, and he begged on his knees to be released from +the agreement he had made; but finding that his employer +insisted upon the performance of his contract, +and threatened to introduce him to the commissaire, if +he should flinch from the bargain, he had, in the discharge +of his office, wept, sung, cursed, and capered, +for two hours without intermission.</p> + +<p>While the company listened to this odd information, +by which they were prepossessed with strange notions +of the dinner, their ears were invaded by a piteous +voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the love of God! +dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the +mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still +vibrated with the sound, when the doctor entering, was +by Peregrine made acquainted with the strangers, to +whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could not help +complaining of the want of complaisance he had found +in the Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been almost +entirely ruined and set aside. The French marquis, +who thought the honour of his nation was concerned<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +at this declaration, professed his sorrow for +what had happened, so contrary to the established +character of the people, and undertook to see the +delinquents severely punished, provided he could be +informed of their names or places of abode. The mutual +compliments that passed on this occasion were +scarce finished, when a servant coming into the room, +announced dinner; and the entertainer led the way into +another apartment, where they found a long table, or +rather two boards joined together, and furnished with a +variety of dishes, the steams of which had such evident +effect upon the nerves of the company, that the marquis +made frightful grimaces, under pretence of taking +snuff; the Italian's eyes watered, the German's visage +underwent several distortions of feature; our hero +found means to exclude the odour from his sense of +smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; and +the poor painter, running into another room, plugged +his nostrils with tobacco. The doctor himself, who +was the only person then present whose organs were +not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches +placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he +was sorry he could not procure the exact triclinia of the +ancients, which were somewhat different from these +conveniences, and desired they would have the goodness +to repose themselves without ceremony, each in his +respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet +would place themselves upright at the ends, that they +might have the pleasure of serving those that lay along. +This disposition, of which the strangers had no previous +idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most +ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing +to each other, on pretence of disputing the lower +seat, but, in reality, with a view of profiting by the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> +example of each other: for neither of them understood +the manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, +who enjoyed their confusion, handed the count to the +other side, where, with the most mischievous politeness, +he insisted upon his taking possession of the +upper place.</p> + +<p>In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they +continued acting a pantomime of gesticulations, until the +doctor earnestly entreated them to wave all compliment +and form, lest the dinner should be spoiled before the +ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, Peregrine +took the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying +himself gently down, with his face towards the table. +The marquis, in imitation of this pattern, (though he +would have much rather fasted three days than run the +risk of discomposing his dress by such an attitude,) +stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining +upon his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, +with his head raised above the end of the couch, +that the economy of his hair might not suffer by the +projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin limber +creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without +sustaining any misfortune, but that of his stocking +being torn by a ragged nail of the seat, as he raised his +legs on a level with the rest of his limbs. But the +baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple in his joints +as his companions, flounced himself down with such +precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in +furious contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished +every curl in a twinkling, while his own skull, +at the same instant, descended upon the side of his +couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck +off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio.</p> + +<p>The drollery of distress that attended this disaster<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +entirely vanquished the affected gravity of our young +gentleman, who was obliged to suppress his laughter +by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth; for the +bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous +confusion, and the marquis admitted his apology with +such rueful complaisance, as were sufficient to awaken +the mirth of a quietist.</p> + +<p>This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances +of the occasion would permit, and every +one settled according to the arrangement already described, +the doctor graciously undertook to give some +account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company +might be directed in their choice; and, with an +air of infinite satisfaction, thus began:—"This here, +gentlemen, is a boiled goose, served up in a sauce composed +of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, rue, anchovies, +and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one +of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the +ancients for the magnitude of their livers, one of which +is said to have weighed upwards of two pounds; with +this food, exquisite as it was, did the tyrant Heliogabalus +regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had +almost forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an +article at all tables in France. At each end there are +dishes of the salacacabia of the Romans; one is made +of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, honey, +vinegar, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; +the other is much the same as the soup-maigre of this +country. Then there is a loin of boiled veal with fennel +and carraway seed, on a pottage composed of +pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious hashis of +the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a +dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall I +help you to a plate of this soup?" The German, who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> +did not at all disapprove of the ingredients, assented to +the proposal, and seemed to relish the composition; +while the marquis, being asked by the painter which of +the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his +desire, accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; +and the count, in lieu of spoon meat, of which +he said he was no great admirer, supplied himself with +a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of our +young gentleman, whose example he determined to +follow through the whole course of the entertainment.</p> + +<p>The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, +made a full pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had +stuck in his gullet, his eyes rolled, and his mouth +underwent a series of involuntary contractions and +dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this connoisseur, +with a view of consulting his taste, before he +himself would venture upon the soup, began to be +disturbed at these emotions, and observed, with some +concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to be going +into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that these were +symptoms of ecstacy, and, for further confirmation, +asked the marquis how he found the soup. It was +with infinite difficulty that his complaisance could so +far master his disgust, as to enable him to answer, "altogether +excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter, +being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to +his mouth without scruple; but far from justifying the +eulogium of his taster, when this precious composition +diffused itself upon his palate, he seemed to be deprived +of all sense and motion, and sat like the leaden statue +of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both +sides of his mouth.</p> + +<p>The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, +earnestly inquired into the cause of it; and when Pallet<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> +recovered his recollection, and swore that he would +rather swallow porridge made of burning brimstone +than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, +the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, +that, except the usual ingredients, he had mixed +nothing in the soup but some sal ammoniac, instead of +the ancient nitrum, which could not now be procured; +and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum +was not an improvement on the whole. The +unfortunate petit maître, driven to the extremity of his +condescension, acknowledged it to be a masterly refinement; +and deeming himself obliged, in point of +honour, to evince his sentiments by his practice, forced +a few more mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down +his throat, till his stomach was so much offended, that +he was compelled to start up of a sudden; and, in the +hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate into the +bosom of the baron. The emergency of his occasions +would not permit him to stay and make apologies for +this abrupt behaviour; so that he flew into another +apartment, where Pickle found him puking, and crossing +himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his +desire, being brought to the door, he slipped into it +more dead than alive, conjuring his friend Pickle to +make his peace with the company, and in particular excuse +him to the baron, on account of the violent fit of +illness with which he had been seized. It was not +without reason that he employed a mediator; for when +our hero returned to the dining-room, the German had +got up, and was under the hands of his own lacquey, +who wiped the grease from a rich embroidered waistcoat, +while he, almost frantic with his misfortune, stamped +upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky +banquet, and the impertinent entertainer, who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> +all this time, with great deliberation, consoled him for +the disaster, by assuring him, that the damage might be +repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot iron. +Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in +his face, appeased his indignation, by telling him how +much the whole company, and especially the marquis, +was mortified at the accident; and the unhappy salacacabia +being removed, the places were filled with two pyes, +one of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, +which the doctor had substituted in the room +of roasted poppy-seed, formerly eaten with honey, as a +dessert; and the other composed of a hock of pork +baked in honey.</p> + +<p>Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, +lifted up his hands and eyes, and, with signs of loathing +and amazement, pronounced, "A pye made of dormice +and syrup of poppies! Lord in heaven! what +beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend +checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a severe +look, and recommended the veal, of which he +himself cheerfully ate, with such encomiums to the +company, that the baron resolved to imitate his example, +after having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which +the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the +true wine of Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing +else upon the table which he would venture to touch, +made a merit of necessity, and had recourse to the +veal also; although he could not help saying, that he +would not give one slice of the roast beef of Old +England for all the dainties of a Roman emperor's +table. But all the doctor's invitations and assurances +could not prevail upon his guests to honour the hashis +and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, +in which he told them there were divers of those<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> +dishes, which, among the ancients, had obtained the +appellation of <i>politeles</i>, or magnificent. "That which +smokes in the middle", said he, "is a sow's stomach, +filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, +eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, +wine, and pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats +and belly of a sow, just farrowed, fried with sweet +wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. On the left is a +fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with milk. +At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of pompions, +lovage, origanum, and oil; and here are a couple +of pullets, roasted and stuffed in the manner of +Apicius."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_049" id="i_049"></a> + <img src="images/i_049.jpg" alt="Man dragging a tablecloth from a fully laid table" title="Man dragging a tablecloth from a fully laid table" /> +</div> + +<p>The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence +of the sow's stomach, which he compared to +a bagpipe, and the snails which had undergone purgation, +no sooner heard him mention the roasted pullets, +than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon +which the doctor desired he would take the trouble of +cutting them up, and accordingly sent them round, +while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth under his chin, +and brandished his knife and fork with singular address; +but scarce were they set down before him, when +the tears ran down his cheeks, and he called aloud, in +manifest disorder,—"Zounds! this is the essence of a +whole bed of garlic!" That he might not, however, +disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied his +instruments to one of the birds; and, when he opened +up the cavity, was assaulted by such an irruption of +intolerable smells, that, without staying to disengage +himself from the cloth, he sprung away, with an exclamation +of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole +table in havoc, ruin, and confusion.</p> + +<p>Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> +sauced with a syrup of the dormice pye, which went +to pieces in the general wreck: and as for the Italian +count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's stomach, +which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents +upon his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, +that he shrieked with anguish, and grinned with a most +ghastly and horrible aspect.</p> + +<p>The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this +tumult, was not at all displeased at seeing his companions +involved in such a calamity as that which he +had already shared; but the doctor was confounded +with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an +application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his +sorrow for the misadventure, which he openly ascribed +to want of taste and prudence in the painter, who did +not think proper to return, and make an apology in +person; and protested that there was nothing in the +fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the +stuffing being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafœtida, +and the sauce consisting of wine and herring-pickle, +which he had used instead of the celebrated +<i>garum</i> of the Romans; that famous pickle having been +prepared sometimes of the <i>scombri</i>, which were a sort +of tunny fish, and sometimes of the <i>silurus</i>, or shad +fish; nay, he observed, that there was a third kind +called <i>garum hæmation</i>, made of the guts, gills, and +blood of the <i>thynnus</i>.</p> + +<p>The physician, finding it would be impracticable to +re-establish the order of the banquet, by presenting +again the dishes which had been discomposed, ordered +every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be laid, and +the dessert to be brought in.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them +a specimen of the <i>alieus</i>, or fish-meals of the ancients,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> +such as the <i>jus diabaton</i>, the conger-eel, which, in +Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the <i>cornuta</i>, or +gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, +who says, the horns of many were a foot and a half +in length; the mullet and lamprey, that were in the +highest estimation of old, of which last Julius Cæsar +borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He +observed, that the manner of dressing them was described +by Horace, in the account he gives of the entertainment +to which Mæcenas was invited by the +epicure Nasiedenus,</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Affertur squillas inter muræna natantes, &c.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the +<i>thus Syriacum</i>, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, +which qualified the purgative nature of the fish. +Finally, this learned physician gave them to understand, +that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish +in the zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means +comparable, in point of expense, to some preparations +in vogue about the time of that absurd voluptuary +Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six hundred +ostriches to be compounded in one mess.</p> + +<p>By this time the dessert appeared, and the company +were not a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and +water: but what the master of the feast valued himself +upon was a sort of jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable +to the <i>hypotrimma</i> of Hesychius, being a mixture +of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to a proper consistence, +and candied assafœtida, which he asserted, +in contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no +other than the <i>laser Syriacum</i>, so precious as to be sold +among the ancients to the weight of a silver penny. +The gentlemen took his word for the excellency of this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> +gum, but contented themselves with the olives, which +gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they +seemed very well disposed to console themselves for +the disgraces they had endured; and Pickle, unwilling +to lose the least circumstance of entertainment that +could be enjoyed in their company, went in quest of the +painter, who remained in his penitentials in another +apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the +banqueting-room, until Peregrine undertook to procure +his pardon from those whom he had injured. Having +assured him of this indulgence, our young gentleman +led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands with an air +of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing +himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as +God was his Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, +woman, or child; but was fain to make the best of his +way, that he might not give the honourable company +cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of nature in +their presence.</p> + +<p>When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, +Pallet was forgiven in very polite terms, and even received +into favour by his friend the doctor, in consequence +of our hero's intercession; so that all the guests +forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so piously +to the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced +very evident effects in the behaviour of all present.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_053" id="i_053"></a> + <img src="images/i_053.jpg" alt="Pigs in a poke" title="Pigs in a poke" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_VII" id="POINT_VII">POINT VII.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE DUEL.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."</i></p> + + +<p>The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish +Raphael, and the rest of the company went back to +their lodgings; where Peregrine, taking the advantage of +being alone with the physician, recapitulated all the +affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance, +aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and +advising him, in the capacity of a friend, to take care of +his honour, which could not fail to suffer in the opinion +of the world, if he allowed himself to be insulted +with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree +of consideration.</p> + +<p>The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto +escaped chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy +his resentment, and in consideration of the +wretch's family, for which his compassion was interested; +but that repeated injuries would inflame the most +benevolent disposition; and although he could find no +precedent of duelling among the Greeks and Romans, +whom he considered as the patterns of demeanour, +Pallet should no longer avail himself of his veneration +for the ancients, but be punished for the very next +offence he should commit.</p> + +<p>Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> +from which he could not decently swerve, our adventurer +acted the incendiary with the other party also; +giving him to understand, that the physician treated +his character with such contempt, and behaved to him +with such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: +that, for his own part, he was every day put out of +countenance by their mutual animosity, which appeared +in nothing but vulgar expressions, more becoming shoe-boys +and oyster-women than men of honour and education; +and therefore he should be obliged, contrary +to his inclination, to break off all correspondence with +them both, if they would not fall upon some method to +retrieve the dignity of their characters.</p> + +<p>These representations would have had little effect +upon the timidity of the painter, who was likewise too +much of a Grecian to approve of single combat, in any +other way than that of boxing, an exercise in which he +was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with +an insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and +that he might humble him into any concession, without +running the least personal risk. Animated by this assurance, +our second Rubens set the trumpet of defiance to +his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, when his +honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be +the bearer of a challenge, which he would instantly +commit to writing.</p> + +<p>The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this +manifestation of courage, by which he was at liberty +to cultivate his friendship and society, but declined the +office of carrying the billet, that his tenderness of Pallet's +reputation might not be misinterpreted into an +officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same +time he recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very +proper messenger on this occasion, but also as a trusty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> +second in the field. The magnanimous painter took +his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, penned a challenge +in these terms.—</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself; +much less——I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an unmannerly +fellow, because these are the hippythets of the wulgar: but, remember, +such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you; but, on the +contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious behaviour to me on +divers occasions; and will, this evening, in the twilight, meet you on +the ramparts with sword and pistol, where the Lord have mercy on +the soul of one of us, for your body shall find no favour with your +incensed defier, till death.</p> + +<p class="signature"> +'<span class="smcap">Layman Pallet.</span>'<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This resolute defiance, after having been submitted +to the perusal, and honoured with the approbation of +our youth, was committed to the charge of Pipes, who, +according to his orders, delivered it in the afternoon; +and brought for answer, that the physician would attend +him at the appointed time and place. The challenger +was evidently discomposed at the unexpected +news of this acceptance, and ran about the house in +great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg his further +advice and assistance: but understanding that the +youth was engaged in private with his adversary, he +began to suspect some collusion, and cursed himself +for his folly and precipitation. He even entertained +some thoughts of retracting his invitation, and submitting +to the triumph of his antagonist: but before he +would stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved +to try another expedient, which might be the +means of saving both his character and person. In +this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and very gravely desired +he would be so good as to undertake the office of his +second in a duel which he was to fight that evening +with the physician.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> + +<p>The governor, instead of answering his expectation, +in expressing fear and concern, and breaking forth into +exclamations of, 'Good God! gentlemen! what d'ye +mean? You shall not murder one another while it is +in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly +to the governor of the place, who shall interpose +his authority.' I say, instead of these and other friendly +menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the proposal with +the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself +from accepting the honour intended for him, on account +of his character and situation, which would not permit +him to be concerned in any such rencounters. Indeed +this mortifying reception was owing to a previous hint +from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption +from his governor, had made him acquainted with +his design, and assured him, that the affair should not +be brought to any dangerous issue.</p> + +<p>Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed +with perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors +of death or mutilation, resolved to deprecate the wrath +of his enemy, and conform to any submission he should +propose, when he was accidentally encountered by our +adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, +told him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown +the doctor into an agony of consternation; that his +acceptance of his challenge was a mere effort of despair, +calculated to confound the ferocity of the sender, and +dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; that +he had imparted the letter to him, with fear and trembling, +on pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in +reality, with a view of obtaining his good offices in +promoting a reconciliation; 'but perceiving the situation +of his mind,' added our hero, 'I thought it would +be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> +therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him +to the field, in full assurance that he will there humble +himself before you, even to prostration. In this security +you may go and prepare your arms, and bespeak +the assistance of Pipes, who will 'squire you to the field, +while I keep myself up, that our correspondence may +not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, +that were sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement +to all the insolence of triumph; he again declared his +contempt of danger; and his pistols being loaded and +accommodated with new flints, by his trusty armour-bearer, +he waited, without flinching, for the hour of +battle.</p> + +<p>On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked +at his door, and Pipes having opened it at his desire, +he heard the voice of his antagonist pronounce,—'Tell +Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place of appointment.' +The painter was not a little surprised at this anticipation, +which so ill agreed with the information he had +received from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, +he fortified himself with a large bumper of brandy, +which, however, did not overcome the anxiety of his +thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition +with his second, betwixt whom and himself the following +dialogue passed, in their way to the ramparts.—'Mr. +Pipes,' said the painter, with disordered accent, +'methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry with that +message of his.'—'Ey, ey,' answered Tom, 'I do suppose +he longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied the +other,'d'ye think he thirsts after my blood?' 'To be +sure a does,' (said Pipes, thrusting a large quid of tobacco +into his cheek with great deliberation). 'If that +be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake, 'he is +no better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> +fight him on equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, +eyed him with a frown of indignation, saying, +'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied the +challenger, stammering with fear, 'what should I be +afraid of? the worst he can do is to take my life, and +then he'll be answerable both to God and man for the +murder: don't you think he will?'—'I think no such +matter,' answered the second: 'if so be as how he +puts a brace of bullets through your bows, and kills +you fairly, it is no more murder than if I was to bring +down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By this +time Pallet's teeth shattered with such violence, that +he could scarce pronounce this reply.—'Mr. Thomas, +you seem to make very light of a man's life; but I trust +in the Almighty I shall not be so easily brought down. +Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his +life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of +falling by the hand of my adversary?' 'You may or +you may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes, 'just as it +happens. What then! death is a debt that every man +owes, according to the song; and if you set foot to +foot, I think one of you must go to pot.' 'Foot to +foot!' exclaimed the terrified painter, 'that's downright +butchery; and I'll be damned before I fight any man +on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take +me to be a savage beast?' This declaration he made +while they ascended the ramparts. His attendant, perceiving +the physician and his second at the distance of +an hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their +appearance, and advised him to make ready, and behave +like a man. Pallet in vain endeavoured to conceal +his panic, which discovered itself in an universal trepidation +of body, and the lamentable tone in which he +answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,—'I do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +behave like a man; but you would have me act the part +of a brute.—Are they coming this way?' When Tom told +him that they had faced about, and admonished him to +advance, the nerves of his arm refused their office, he +could not hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, +retreated with an insensibility of motion; till +Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set his own back to +that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an +inch farther in that direction.</p> + +<p>While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master +enjoyed the terrors of the physician, which were more +ridiculous than those of Pallet, because he was more +intent upon disguising them. His declaration to Pickle +in the morning would not suffer him to start any objections +when he received the challenge; and finding that +the young gentleman made no offer of mediating the +affair, but rather congratulated him on the occasion, +when he communicated the painter's billet, all his +efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general reflexions, +upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first +introduced among civilized nations by the barbarous +Huns and Longobards. He likewise pretended to ridicule +the use of fire-arms, which confounded all the +distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant +of the opportunity of signalizing his personal +prowess.</p> + +<p>Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; +but, at the same time, represented the necessity of complying +with the customs of this world (ridiculous as +they were), on which a man's honour and reputation +depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that +artifice, the republican's agitation became more and +more remarkable; and he proposed, in plain terms, +that they should contend in armour, like the combatants<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> +of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that +they should practise the manner of fighting, since they +adopted the disposition of those iron times.</p> + +<p>Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our +hero than the sight of two such duellists cased in iron; +and he wished that he had promoted the quarrel in +Brussels, where he could have hired the armour of +Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for +their accommodation; but as there was no possibility +of furnishing them cap-à-pee at Antwerp, he persuaded +him to conform to the modern use of the sword, and +meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting +that his fear would supply him with other excuses for +declining the combat, he comforted him with some distant +insinuations, to the prejudice of his adversary's +courage, which would, in all probability, evaporate before +any mischief could happen.</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not +suppress the reluctance with which he went to the +field, and cast many a wishful look over his left shoulder, +to see whether or not his adversary was at his heels. +When, by the advice of his second, he took possession +of the ground, and turned about with his face to the +enemy, it was not so dark, but that Peregrine could +perceive the unusual paleness of his countenance, and +the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; +nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when +he regretted his want of the <i>pila</i> and <i>parma</i>, with which +he would have made a rattling noise, to astonish his +foe, in springing forward, and singing the hymn to battle, +in the manner of the ancients.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his +antagonist, who, far from advancing, seemed to recoil, +and even struggle with his second, he guessed the situation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> +of the painter's thoughts, and collecting all the +manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of +profiting by his enemy's consternation. Striking his +sword and pistol together, he advanced in a sort of a +trot, raising a loud howl, in which he repeated, in lieu +of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of +Pindar's Pythia, beginning with <i>ek theon gar mekanai +pasai Broteais aretais</i>, &c. This imitation of the Greeks +had all the desired effect upon the painter, who seeing +the physician running towards him like a fury, with a +pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing +the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish +words he produced, was seized with an universal palsy +of his limbs. He would have dropped down upon the +ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him +to stand upon his defence. The doctor, contrary to +his expectation, finding that he had not flinched from +the spot, though he had now performed one half of his +career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his pistol, +the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the +affrighted painter, than he recommended his soul to +God, and roared for mercy with great vociferation.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_063" id="i_063"></a> + <img src="images/i_063.jpg" alt="Duelists attacking one another" title="Duelists attacking one another" /> +</div> + +<p>The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded +him to yield, and surrender his arms, on pain +of immediate death; upon which he threw away his +pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and +even threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and +went up to his master, stopping his nose with signs of +loathing and abhorrence.</p> + +<p>The victor, having won the <i>spolia opima</i>, granted him +his life, on condition that he would on his knees supplicate +his pardon, acknowledging him inferior to his +conqueror in every virtue and qualification, and promise +for the future to merit his favour by submission<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> +and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced +by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, +that he was not at all calculated for the purposes of war, +and that henceforth he would contend with no weapon +but his pencil. He begged, with great humility, that +Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for +this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity +inherited from his father, and suspend his opinion of +his talents, until he should have an opportunity of contemplating +the charms of his Cleopatra, which would +be finished in less than three months.</p> + +<p>Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, +that no man could be justly condemned for being subject +to the impressions of fear; and therefore his cowardice +might easily be forgiven: but there was something +so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, +in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not +the smallest pretension, that he could not forget his +misbehaviour all at once, though he would condescend +to communicate with him as formerly, in hopes of seeing +a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested +that there was no dissimulation in the case: for he was +ignorant of his own weakness, until his resolution was +put to the trial: he faithfully promised to demean himself, +during the remaining part of the tour, with that +conscious modesty and penitence which became a person +in his condition: and, for the present, implored the +assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from +the disagreeable consequence of his fear.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_065" id="i_065"></a> + <img src="images/i_065.jpg" alt="Mules kicking at one another" title="Mules kicking at one another" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_VIII" id="POINT_VIII">POINT VIII.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE QUACK DOCTOR.</h3> + + +<p>The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare +to Buxton Wells, to the High-peak, and many parts +of the North; and being inhabited by many substantial +people concerned in the mines, and having also +three or four of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of +England, every year; is a very populous town.</p> + +<p>There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, +a very extraordinary person, in a character, and with +an equipage, somewhat singular and paradoxical: this +was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician of the itinerant kind. +The doctor came to town on horseback, yet dressed in +a plaid night gown and red velvet cap. He had a small +reading-desk fixed upon the pummel of his saddle, that +supported a large folio, in which, by the help of a monstrous +pair of spectacles, the doctor seemed to read, as +the horse moved slowly on, with a profound attention. +A portmanteau behind him contained his cargo of sovereign +medicines, which, as brick-dust was probably +the principal ingredient, must have been no small burden +to his lean steed.</p> + +<p>The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly +along, in a dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, +than that of his master.</p> + +<p>The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his +merry-andrew (mounted on a horse-block before the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> +principal inn), had just begun to harangue the multitude, +and the speech with which he introduced himself +each market-day was to this effect—</p> + +<p>"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently +been imposed upon, no doubt, by quacks and ignorant +pretenders to the noble art of physic; who, in order to +gain your attention, have boasted of their many years' +travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote +regions of the habitable globe. One has been physician +to the Sophi of Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the +Empress of Russia; and displayed his skill at Moscow, +Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, perhaps, +has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, +or corn-cutter to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand +Turk; or has administered a clyster to the queen of +Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord knows who—as +if the wandering about from place to place (supposing +it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. +No, gentlemen, don't be imposed upon by pompous +words and magnificent pretensions. He that goes +abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor—But +here I am—your own countryman—your fellow +subject—your neighbour, as I may say. Why, +gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born +but at Coventry, where my mother now lives—Mary +Stubbs by name.</p> + +<p>"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which +I would not presume to practise the sublime art and +mystery of physic. I am the seventh son of a seventh +son. Seven days was I before I sucked the breast. +Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven +years before I was heard to utter seven words; and +twice seven years have I studied, night and day, for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> +the benefit of you, my friends and countrymen: and now +here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to cure all +manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that +out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without +fee or reward—except a trifling gratuity, the prime +cost of my medicines; or what you may choose voluntarily +to contribute hereafter, out of gratitude for the +great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will receive +from the use of them.</p> + +<p>"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous,<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a>Anti-febri-fuge +Tincture; that cures all internal disorders +whatsoever; the whole bottle for one poor shilling.</p> + +<p>"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical +Cataplasm; that will cure all external disorders, +cuts, bruises, contusions, excoriations, and dislocations; +and all for sixpence.</p> + +<p>"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum +Stubbianum, or Dr. Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned +over the whole Christian world, as an universal +remedy, which no family ought to be without: it +will keep seven years, and—be as good as it is now. +Here's this large bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum +of eighteen-pence.</p> + +<p>"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here +have called me quack, and ignorant pretender, and the +like. But here I am.—Let Dr. Pestle or Dr. Clyster +come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the +town of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, +and dispute with me in seven languages, ancient or modern; +in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew—in High-Dutch, +French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear +who are men of solid learning, and who are quacks and +ignorant pretenders.</p> + +<p>"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair +trial of skill, but not one of them dares show his face; +they confess their ignorance by their silence.</p> + +<p>"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, +Asthmaticum, Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, +Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, Catharticum.—Come, +gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst +health is so cheaply to be purchased."</p> + +<p>After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor +told the company, that as this was the last time of his +appearing at Ashbourn (other parts of the kingdom +claiming a part in his patriotic labours), he was determined +to make a present to all those who had been his +patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon +all those who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's +bottles, pill-boxes, plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to +make their appearance, and partake of his generosity.</p> + +<p>This produced no small degree of expectation amongst +those that had been the doctor's customers, who gathered +round him, with their hands stretched out, and +with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the doctor, +"stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised +to give you a shilling a-piece. I will immediately perform +my promise. Here's my Balsamum Stubbianum; +which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the bottle, +you shall now have it for sixpence."</p> + +<p>"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where +are you? Be quick! Don't stand in your own light. +You'll never have such another opportunity—as long +as you live."</p> + +<p>The people looked upon each other with an air of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> +disappointment. Some shook their heads, some grinned +at the conceit, and others uttered their execrations—some +few, however, who had been unwilling to throw +away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to +give a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or +nine shillings more by this stratagem, which was more +than the intrinsic value of his horse-load of medicines.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_071" id="i_071"></a> + <img src="images/i_071.jpg" alt="Quack being attacked by the crowd" title="Quack being attacked by the crowd" /> +</div> + +<p>This egregious quack conceiving that he had now +squeezed the last farthing out of his audience, commenced +his retreat from the crowd with his usual solemnity +of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; when a sly +countryman, who had stood near him for some time, +and had listened with a less than ordinary portion of +credulity, nay, who had, indeed, more than once lifted +up his eyes in token of disbelief, and curved his mouth +into an arch of humourous contempt—raised a pitchfork +which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into +the posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to +crawl underneath the Doctor and his baggage.—This +Rozinante no sooner felt the insidious prick, than, bent +on revenge, she raised her heels with deadly intent; +but in order to raise her heels, the old creature found +it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took +that opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not +avoid, of toppling over her shoulders. While the medical +gentleman was performing his somerset in the +air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the manifest +delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed +with joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and +filth—purely out of the extacy of their gratification, +another well disposed patient taking advantage of the +moment, presented a besom to the Merry Andrew, and +fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he +was capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> +and nostrums, which now bestrewed the pavement.—After +a few minutes floundering, the faithful pair regained +their legs, and gathering up the remnants of +their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient +speed, amidst the huzzas and laughter of the mob.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_073" id="i_073"></a> + <img src="images/i_073.jpg" alt="Duck in a fire" title="Duck in a fire" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_IX" id="POINT_IX">POINT IX.</a></h2> + +<h3>A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."</i></p> + + +<p>One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim +and Brandt, were reclined on their beds, beginning to +drink freely, relating their high feats, and, with becoming +modesty, comparing themselves to nothing less than +an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden +struck with a sort of inspiration.—"We are very comfortable +here," said he to the Baron.—"Very well indeed," +replied Ferdinand XV. with a slight symptom of ebriety.—"No +more guard at night."—"No longer compelled +to drink water."—"No more black bread, Colonel."—"No +more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them +sometimes, eh?"—"Aye, but with the loss of an eye."—"And +my poor arm, you have not forgot that?"—"No +more than I have your leg."—"My leg, my leg, +ah! that was a sad affair."—"Your health, Colonel." +"Your's, Brandt."—"I foresee but one little accident, +my Lord, that can disturb our present felicity."—"What's +that?"—"O nothing, a mere trifle.—I was +thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they +please, turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."—"Faith! +I had forgot those scoundrels;" answered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> +the Baron, drinking a bumper; "however, +you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect +the rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive +them in that famous tower, where Witikind, with +only thirty Saxons, stopped, for three days, an army of +one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne in person. +The place will inspire them with that veneration +for my person which its shattered state no longer enforces." +"I will go, Colonel."—"If they are reasonable—we +will pay them."—"If they are not—we must sabre +them."—"That is well said, Brandt,—bravo!"—"Let +us drink, Colonel."—"With all my heart."—</p> + +<p>The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled +his horse, gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the +Israelites, imparted to them the good intentions of his +master, appointed a day the Colonel would be ready +to receive them, and then returned to the castle.</p> + +<p>The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post +in the hour of battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment +of his mistress, or of a courtier at the levee, +is not to be compared with the precision of a Jew, who +has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on +the appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before +the Baron had slept himself sober. Brandt went +to inform him of the arrival of his creditors, assisted +him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet lined +with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand +XIII. and which Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but +to give his public audiences; tied his sabre over the +said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols in his +belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over +that of dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The +Baron, thus accoutred, came forth from his bed-chamber, +leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked majestically<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> +through two rows, formed by his creditors, and +was followed by them to the tower of Witikind.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_077" id="i_077"></a> + <img src="images/i_077.jpg" alt="Baron seated at a table" title="Baron seated at a table" /> +</div> + +<p>After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked +sword and his pistols, the Baron seated himself in an +immense arm-chair, stroked his whiskers, and spoke in +the following terms:—</p> + +<p>"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here +to free myself from your importunities."—The Jews +made a profound reverence. "I have served the descendant +of Cæsar, who is no better than the descendant +of Witikind:—but, no matter, I have served him. +I have been in want of money, and have subscribed to +your own terms; now I hold the purse, and dictate in +my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided +you sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews +were shocked at this proposal, and were about to expostulate, +but Brandt, giving them a fierce look, imposed +silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The +creditors shook their heads, in token of discontent. +Ferdinand XV. swore, by his ancestors, that he would +cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to approach his +castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, +by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat +the Saxon Jews, as the Arabian Jews had treated the +Amalekites, if they did not agree to a compromise; on +saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads +of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. +A Jew has no fear for his head, when he trembles +for his money.</p> + +<p>The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his +teeth, and was a little embarrassed, when Brandt, who +loved gentle means as well as any body, when he found +nothing else would succeed, advised the Colonel to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> +leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself +by a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of +the first who should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites +in the tower.</p> + +<p>Although they passed a great part of the day without +food, they still continued obstinate. At length their +physical thirst equalled their thirst for gold, and they +endeavoured to move the iron bars, which Ferdinand +XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, +who was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who +kept a sharp look-out, opposed himself so warmly to +their attempt that they were obliged to abandon it. +They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply +was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The +Jews signified their dissent by withdrawing from the +window.</p> + +<p>When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, +lighted a fire at the foot of the tower, and he +and the Jews spent the hours in watching each other's +motions. The next morning, the prisoners began to +feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded +a parley. "Will you have half?" was again the demand +of the inflexible Brandt. "We will take two thirds," +said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear it, and continued +to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder.</p> + +<p>At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist +the hunger which tormented them, requested another +conference; and, with seeming reluctance, agreed to +take the half of their debt. "You shall have but one +third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate +instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, +almost fainting, said, "Give us the half."—"You shall<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +have but a quarter," said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude +for a quarter," replied the Israelite: "there are +Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews."</p> + +<p>Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a +small ink-stand, tied the whole at the end of a long +pole, which he presented to the prisoners, and ordered +them to give a receipt for three parts of the +debt, which was executed instantly, and he received +it back by the same conveyance. He carried this +valuable acquisition to the Baron, from whom he +received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to +the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly +careful in obtaining the title-deeds. He then +conducted the Jews to the door, with great civility, +and they departed, wishing him most heartily at the +devil.</p> + +<p>By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner +in which the Baron had discharged his debts, +Brandt placed upon the table a large piece of smoked +bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, +for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, +even at the risk of not finding their way to bed until +the next morning.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_080" id="i_080"></a> + <img src="images/i_080.jpg" alt="Box trap" title="Box trap" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_X" id="POINT_X">POINT X.</a></h2> + +<h3><i>A Scene from Shakspeare.</i></h3> + + +<p class="center"><i>Enter Fluellen and Gower.</i></p> + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Nay, that's right: but why wear you your +leek to day? St. David's day is past.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> There is occasions and causes why and wherefore +in all things; I will tell you as a friend, Captain +Gower; the rascally, scauld, beggarly, lowsie, pragging +knave Pistol, which you and yourself and all the +world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you +now) of no merits; he is come to me and prings me +pread and salt yesterday, look you, and bid me eat my +leek. It was in a place where I could breed no contentions +with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it +in my cap, till I see him once again; and then I will +tell him a little piece of my desires.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter Pistol.</i></p> + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. +God plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, +lowsie knave, God plesse you.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Pist.</i> Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To have me fold up Parca's fatal web?<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_083" id="i_083"></a> + <img src="images/i_083.jpg" alt="Pistol forcing Fluellen to eat a leek" title="Pistol forcing Fluellen to eat a leek" /> +</div> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, +at my desires, and my requests, and my petitions, to +eat, look you, this leek: because, look you, you do not +love it; and your affections, and your appetites, and +your digestions, does not agree with it; I would desire +you to eat it.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.</p> + +<p> +<i>Flu.</i> There is one goat for you, <span style="margin-left: 7em;">[<i>Strikes him.</i></span><br /> +Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it?<br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Base Trojan, thou shalt die.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> You say very true, scald knave, when God's +will is: I will desire you to live in the mean time and +eat your victuals; come, there is sawce for it—— +[<i>Strikes him</i>] You call'd me yesterday, Mountain-Squire, +but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I +pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat +a leek.</p> + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, +or I will peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, +I pray you; it is good for your green wound and your +ploody coxcomb.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Must I bite?</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and +ambiguities.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I +eat and swear——</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Eat, I pray you; will you have some more +sawce to your leek? there is not enough leek to swear +by.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. +Nay, pray you, throw none away, the skin is good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +for your proken coxcomb: when you take occasions +to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's +all.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Good.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to +heal your pate.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Me a groat!</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or +I have another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; +you shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of +me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, and keep you, and +heal your pate.</p> + +<p class="signature"> +[<i>Exit.</i><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> All hell shall stir for this.</p> + + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: +will you mock at an antient tradition, began upon an +honourable respect, and worn as a memorable trophy +of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your +deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking +and galling at this gentleman twice or thrice. You +thought, because he could not speak English in the native +garb, he could not therefore handle an English +cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a +Welsh correction teach you a good English condition: +fare you well.</p> + +<p class="signature"> +[<i>Exit.</i><br /> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_085" id="i_085"></a> + <img src="images/i_085.jpg" alt="Devil" title="Devil" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="Works_Illustrated_by_George_Cruikshank" id="Works_Illustrated_by_George_Cruikshank"><span class="oldenglish">Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.</span></a></h2> + +<h6>PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO.</h6> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p> + +<p class="center">Collected by <span class="smcap">MM. Grimm</span>, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12 Etchings by +<span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, price 7s.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'—New +Monthly Magazine.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p> + +<p class="center">Illustrated by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, price 7s.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke very favorably; and what with the German +varieties in this sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of George Cruikshank, certain it is +that volume the second deserves almost equal praise.'—Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">POINTS OF HUMOUR,</p> + +<p>Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, on Copper and Wood. Parts +1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India proofs 12s. 6d. each.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">GREENWICH HOSPITAL,</p> + +<p>A Series of <span class="smcap">Naval Sketches</span>, descriptive of the Life of a Man-of-War's-Man, by an <span class="smcap">Old +Sailor</span>. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve characteristic Illustrations on Copper by <span class="smcap">George +Cruikshank</span>, coloured in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price +One Guinea, boards.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of George Cruikshank, we have put this article at +the head of our department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace. Yet it must not be fancied +that we mean to derogate from the literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour and genuine +nautical characteristics so often occupied that portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten +and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far greater number of them) now so cleverly brought +together, were originally printed in our columns, where they obtained so much popularity, as to lead +to their being republished in this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry, grotesque, and laughable +designs.'—Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET,</p> + +<p>A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by <span class="smcap">John Wight</span>, of the Morning +Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five Illustrations by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. +10s. 6d. A few copies are printed on India paper, price 15s.</p> + +<p>India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price 10s. 6d. and 6s.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">TALES OF IRISH LIFE,</p> + +<p>Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People, collected during a residence +of several years in various parts of Ireland, with Illustrations by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. +In 2 vols. price 12s.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in these fictions; while, at the same time, they +are characteristic and amusing.'—Literary Gazette.</p> + +<p>'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient to render any tales immortal.'—British Press.</p> + +<p>'A hue of nature pervades them—an air of reality invests them;—life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents +and upon the characters.'—Dublin Morning Register.</p> + +<p>'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'—Dublin and London Magazine.</p> + +<p>'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly worthy of their attention.'—Critical Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">HANS OF ICELAND,</p> + +<p>A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. Price 7s. 6d.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Some say this monster was a witch,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Some say he was a devil.'—Dragon of Wantley.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best productions of its class which we have seen. There is a +power about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's designs are capital.'—Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">THE HUMOURIST;</p> + +<p>A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty Sayings, &c. Original +and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured Plates, Drawn and Engraved by +<span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. In Four Volumes, 5s. each.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">ECCENTRIC TALES,</p> + +<p>From the German of <span class="smcap">W. F. Von Kosewitz</span>. Embellished with twenty coloured Illustrations +by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, from Sketches by <span class="smcap">Alfred Crowquill</span>. Price 15s.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON,</p> + +<p class="center">by <span class="smcap">Geo. Clinton, Esq.</span> with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by <span class="smcap">Geo. Cruikshank</span>.</p> + + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<div class="fn"> + +<h2><a name="FOOTNOTE" id="FOOTNOTE">FOOTNOTE:</a></h2> + + + +<div class="footnote"> + +<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English, +a tincture that will bring on a fever.</p></div> + +</div> + +<div class="tn"> + +<h2><a name="Transcribers_Notes" id="Transcribers_Notes">Transcriber's Notes:</a></h2> + +<ul class="corrections"> + +<li>Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout.</li> + +</ul></div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44572 ***</div> +</body> +</html> diff --git a/44572-h/images/i_001.jpg b/44572-h/images/i_001.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ba634f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/44572-h/images/i_001.jpg diff --git a/44572-h/images/i_011.jpg b/44572-h/images/i_011.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 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PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..99b1421 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #44572 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44572) diff --git a/old/44572-0.txt b/old/44572-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2cf75c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44572-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2270 @@ +Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Points of Humour, Part II (of II) + +Author: Anonymous + +Illustrator: George Cruikshank + +Release Date: January 3, 2014 [EBook #44572] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART II (OF II) *** + + + + +Produced by Douglas L. Alley, III, Chris Curnow and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net +(This file was produced from images generously made +available by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR. + + ILLUSTRATED BY + + =A Series of Plates,= + + FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS. + + "_Let me play the fool: + With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come; + And let my liver rather heat with wine, + Than my heart cool with mortifying groans. + Why should a man, whose blood is warm within, + Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster? + Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice + By being peevish?_" + + SHAKSPEARE. + + PART II. + + PRICE 8_s._ + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE, + PATERNOSTER ROW. + + + + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR; + + =Illustrated= + + BY THE + + DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + PART II. + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET. + + 1824. + + + LONDON: + + Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch-street. + + + + + PREFACE. + + +The best preface to _this_ set of the POINTS OF HUMOUR is the +_former_ set, which, we are credibly informed, has favorably disposed +the muscles of our readers for repeating a certain cackling sound, +which is heart-food to our friend George Cruikshank. + +One individual, for certain, has laughed over these POINTS, and he is +a very worthy gentleman, who may be discerned wedging his way through +sundry piles of books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being +opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever asked him after +the sale of this little work, without observing an instantaneous +distension of that feature of the face which is used for more +purposes than merely grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this +second set will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a coarse +saying goes, "he will not be made to sing to another tune." + +The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or whatever name +the daily or weekly critics may give him, for they have given him +all these, will, undoubtedly, be heartily sorry should this change +take place, for he avows that since the publication of the POINTS, +the face of the worthy gentleman alluded to has been illuminated by +one unclouded sunshine, so much so, indeed, that to enter his shop +has been a constant resource against melancholy during this gloomy +weather. A face lighted up with good humour in a dark shop, is like a +blaze of light in the middle of one of Rembrandt's murky pictures. + +It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or rather +_followed_ a hint of one of the critics upon this little book. He has +resorted for part of his materials, to the author, who is the richest +of all in the humour of _situation_. Fielding has been suggested; +but though some things, excellent in their kind, might be found in +him, yet it will be observed, on a more accurate consideration, that +this admirable author is infinitely less adapted to the pencil of +Cruikshank, than his successor in the walk of humour. Fielding is a +master in the power of laying open all the springs which regulate the +motion of that curious piece of mechanism, the human heart. He wrote +with the inspiration of genius, and is true to nature in her minutest +circumstances. He involuntarily and unconsciously catches the look, the +word, the gesture, which would undoubtedly have manifested itself, and +which is in itself a strong gleam of light upon the whole character. +His _dramatis personæ_ are not, generally, very extraordinary +people.--He dealt in that which is _common_ to all. While, on the +contrary, Smollett is rich in that which is uncommon and eccentric. +His field is among oddities, hobby-horses, foibles, and singularities +of all kinds, which he groups in the most extraordinary manner, and +colours for the most striking effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied +smile, but it is over the page of Smollett that the loud laugh is heard +to break forth.--How much at home our artist is in the conception of +Smollett may be seen in the following plates. + +It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank should waste his +talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and not hand down his name by +illustrating the works of our great Novelists. As well might it have +been said to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting +upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." Genius consecrates and +immortalizes all it touches.--If the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral, +the plates will stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint +his _Rake's Progress_ in illustration of any immortal work, nor does it +require a set of octavo volumes to remind posterity of his existence. + +A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, would chuse +rather to exalt the humble, than endow the rich. + +We have an observation to make respecting one of the plates, the last +in the order. It will be seen that the costume of the characters +there pourtrayed, is essentially different from that adopted by every +illustrator of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. The +proper authorities have been in this, as in other cases, diligently +consulted, and it has appeared that these artists, in their endeavour +to discover the dress of our ancestors, have stopped short at the +reign of Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V. + +_March_, 1824. + + + + + NOTICE. + + +As there are Works continually advertised "_with Plates by +Cruikshank_," the Public are particularly requested to observe, that +_George_ Cruikshank has no connexion with any Publications to which +his Christian Name is not affixed; and that all Works, for which he +has made Designs, are advertised with his name in full. He has made +Designs for the following Works:-- + + + ITALIAN TALES. + + Just published, price 10s. in one volume beautifully printed, with + sixteen Original Designs by George Cruikshank, + + =Italian Tales= + + OF HUMOUR, GALLANTRY, AND ROMANCE. + + Selected and translated from a variety of Authors. + + "This volume of light entertainment possesses considerable merit, + and its embellishments are of the best kind. The ability of Mr. + George Cruikshank is so well known, that to say he does not in the + present volume fall short of his former excellence, is sufficient + praise. Many of his designs are exceedingly graceful and are + executed with singular delicacy."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "Cruikshank has illustrated these Italian Tales with a grace + which (without imitation) approaches the beauty of Stothard's + compositions."--_Westminster Review, No. I._ + + +Second Edition, in 12mo. (250 pages) price 7s. with 12 plates, designed + and engraved by George Cruikshank, + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + _Translated from the Kinder und Haus-Märchen of_ + + M. M. GRIMM. + + With a PREFACE and NOTES by the Translators. + + "This book ought to be in possession of the man as a curiosity, + and of the child as an amusement."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "The little book published last winter, '_German Nursery + Tales_, with etchings by Cruikshank,' was executed in a style + very superior to the '_Tales of the Northern Nations_.' The + Translator, whoever he be, displayed a great deal of tact in + transferring these Stories with so much of their native naïveté." + + _Blackwood's Magazine, October_ 1. + + Vol. II. is preparing for Publication. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR.--No. I. + +⁂ An _imitation_ of the last Work having appeared, _George_ Cruikshank +takes leave to say, that he did not make a single Drawing for it. + + + + + POINT I. + + THE THREE HUNCHBACKS. + + +At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle on the bank of +a river near a bridge. The master of this castle was hunchbacked. +Nature had exhausted her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical +figure. In place of understanding, she had given him an immense head, +which nevertheless was lost between his two shoulders: he had thick +hair, a short neck, and a horrible visage. + +Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself of falling +in love with a beautiful young woman, the daughter of a poor but +respectable burgess of Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he +was the richest person in the district, the poor girl was delivered +up to him. After the nuptials he was as much an object of pity as +she, for, being devoured by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night +nor day, but went prying and rambling every where, and suffered no +stranger to enter the castle. + +One day during the Christmas festival, while standing sentinel at his +gate, he was accosted by three humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him +as a brother, as such asked him for refreshments, and at the same +time, to establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously shouldered +their humps at him. Contrary to expectation, he conducted them to his +kitchen, gave them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money +over and above. Before their departure, however, he warned them never +to return on pain of being thrown into the river. At this threat of +the Chatelain the minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to +the town, singing in full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque manner, +in derision of their brother-hump of the castle. He, on his part, +without paying farther attention, went to walk in the fields. + +[Illustration] + +The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, and had heard the +minstrels, called them back to amuse her. They had not been long +returned to the castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by which +she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. Fortunately, the lady +perceived in a neighbouring room three empty coffers. Into each of +these she stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened the gate +to her husband. He had only come back to espy the conduct of his wife +as usual, and, after a short stay, went out anew, at which you may +believe his wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to the coffers +to release her prisoners, for night was approaching and her husband +would not probably be long absent. But what was her dismay, when she +found them all three suffocated! Lamentation, however, was useless. The +main object now was to get rid of the dead bodies, and she had not a +moment to lose. She ran then to the gate, and seeing a peasant go +by, she offered him a reward of thirty livres, and leading him into +the castle, she took him to one of the coffers, and shewing him its +contents, told him he must throw the dead body into the river: he asked +for a sack, put the carcase into it, pitched it over the bridge, and +then returned quite out of breath to claim the promised reward. + +[Illustration] + +"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, "but you ought +first to fulfil the condition of the bargain--you have agreed to rid +me of the dead body, have you not? There, however, it is still." +Saying this, she showed him the other coffer in which the second +humpbacked minstrel had expired. At this sight the clown was perfectly +confounded--"how the devil! come back! a sorcerer!"--he then stuffed +the body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over the bridge, +taking care to put the head down and to observe that it sank. + +Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position of the coffers, +so that the third was now in the place which had been successively +occupied by the two others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him +the remaining dead body--"you are right, friend," said she, "he must +be a magician, for there he is again." The rustic gnashed his teeth +with rage. "What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry about this +humpback?" He then lifted him up, with dreadful imprecations, and +having tied a stone round the neck, threw him into the middle of the +current, threatening, if he came out a third time, to despatch him +with a cudgel. + +[Illustration] + +The first object that presented itself to the clown, on his way back +for his reward, was the hunchbacked master of the castle returning +from his evening walk, and making towards the gate. At this sight the +peasant could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of a humpback, are you +there again?" So saying, he sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his +shoulders, and hurled him headlong into the river after the minstrels. + +[Illustration] + +"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this last time," said the +peasant, entering the room where the lady was seated. She answered, +she had not. "You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer +was already at the gate, but I have taken care of him--be at your +ease--he will not come back now." + +The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, and recompensed +the peasant with much satisfaction. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT II. + + A RELISH BEFORE DINNER. + + +[Illustration] + +When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging Prague, a boor, +of a most extraordinary visage, desired admittance to his tent; and +being allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, to devour +a large hog in his presence. The old general Konigsmark, who stood +by the king's side, notwithstanding his bravery, had not got rid of +the prejudices of his childhood, and hinted to his royal master, +that the peasant ought to be burnt as a sorcerer. "Sir," said the +fellow, irritated at the remark, "if your majesty will but make that +old gentleman take off his sword and spurs, I will eat him before I +begin the pig." General Konigsmark, who had, at the head of a body +of Swedes, performed wonders against the Austrians, could not stand +this proposal, especially as it was accompanied by a most hideous +expansion of the jaws and mouth. Without uttering a word, the veteran +turned pale and suddenly ran out of the tent, and did not think +himself safe till he arrived at his quarters, where he remained above +twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he got rid of the panic +which had so strongly seized him. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT III. + + THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS. + + +A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought every where for +a skilful physician in whom he could place confidence, and to whose +care he might confide a life so dear to him. In the course of his +search he met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might be +rendered visible. The young man exchanged, for this talisman, half +his possessions, and having secured his treasure, ran with it to +the house of a famous physician. Flocking round the door he beheld +a crowd of shades, the ghosts of those persons whom this physician +had killed. Some old, some young; some the skeletons of fat old men; +some gigantic frames of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants and +squalling women; all joined in menaces and threats against the house +of the physician--the den of their destroyer--who however peacefully +marched through them with his cane to his chin, and a grave and +solemn air. The same vision presented itself, more or less, at the +house of every physician of eminence. One at length was pointed +out to him in a distant quarter of the city, at whose door he only +perceived two little ghosts. "Behold," exclaimed he, with a joyful +cry, "the good physician of whom I have been so long in search!" The +doctor, astonished, asked him how he had been able to discover this? +"Pardon me," said the afflicted lover complacently, "your ability +and your reputation are well known to me." "My reputation!" said the +physician, "why I have been in Paris but eight days, and in that time +I have had but TWO patients." "Good God!" involuntarily exclaimed the +young man, "and there they are!" + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT IV. + + THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS. + + +There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was blind, and his evil +destiny reduced him to beg from door to door. He had been so long +accustomed to walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none +to lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's doors, and not +answer till they opened to him. One day he knocked thus, and the +master of the house, who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac +made no answer, and knocked a second time: the master of the house +asked again and again, "who is there?" but to no purpose, no one +answered; upon which he came down, opened the door, and asked the +man what he wanted? "Give me something, for Heaven's sake," said +Backbac; "you seem to be blind," replied the master of the house; +"yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac. "Give me your hand," resumed +the master of the house; he did so, thinking he was going to give him +alms; but he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his chamber. +Backbac thought he had been carrying him to dine with him, as many +people had done. When they reached the chamber, the man let go his +hand, and sitting down, asked him again what he wanted? "I have +already told you," said Backbac, "that I want something for God's +sake." "Good blind man," replied the master of the house, "all that +I can do for you is to wish that God may restore your sight." "You +might have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and not have +given me the trouble to come up stairs." "And why, fool," said the +man of the house, "do not you answer at first, when people ask you +who is there? why do you give any body the trouble to come and open +the door when they speak to you?"--"What will you do with me then?" +asked Backbac; "I tell you again," said the man of the house, "I have +nothing to give you." "Help me down the stairs then, as you brought +me up."--"The stairs are before you," said the man of the house, "and +you may go down by yourself if you will." The blind man attempted to +descend, but missing a step, about the middle of the stairs, fell +to the bottom and hurt his head and his back: he got up again with +much difficulty, and went out, cursing the master of the house, who +laughed at his fall. + +As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, his companions, were +going by, knew him by his voice, and asked him what was the matter? He +told them what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have eaten nothing +to day; I conjure you to go along with me to my house, that I may take +some of this money that we four have in common, to buy me something for +supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home with him. + +You must know that the master of the house where Backbac was so ill +used, was a robber, and of a cunning and malicious disposition; he +overheard from his window what Backbac had said to his companions, +and came down and followed them to Backbac's house. The blind men +being seated, Backbac said to them, "brothers, we must shut the +door, and take care there be no stranger with us." At this the robber +was much perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a beam, +he caught hold of it, and hung by it while the blind men shut the +door, and felt about the room with their sticks. When they had done, +and had sat down again in their places, the robber left his rope, +and seated himself softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself alone +with his blind comrades, said to them, "brothers, since you have +trusted me with the money, which we have been a long time gathering, +I will shew you that I am not unworthy of the confidence you repose +in me. The last time we reckoned, you know that we had ten thousand +dirhems, and that we put them into ten bags: I will shew you that I +have not touched one of them;" having so said, he put his hand among +some old clothes, and taking out the bags one after another, gave +them to his comrades, saying, "there they are: you may judge by their +weight that they are whole, or you may tell them if you please." His +comrades answered, "there was no need, they did not mistrust him;" so +he opened one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems, and each of the +other blind men did the like. + +Backbac put the bags into their place again; after which, one of the +blind men said to him, "there is no need to lay out any thing for +supper, for I have collected as much victuals from good people as +will serve us all:" at the same time he took out of his bag bread and +cheese, and some fruit, and putting all upon the table, they began +to eat. The robber, who sat at Backbac's right hand, picked out the +best, and eat with them; but, whatever care he took to make no noise, +Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out immediately, "We are +undone, there is a stranger among us!" Having so said, he stretched +out his hand, and caught hold of the robber by the arm, cried out +"_thieves!_" fell upon him, and struck him. The other blind men fell +upon him in like manner; the robber defended himself as well as he +could, and being young and vigorous, besides having the advantage +of his eyes, he swung by the hanging rope, and gave furious kicks, +sometimes to one, sometimes to another, and cried out "_thieves!_" +louder than they did. The neighbours came running at the noise, +broke open the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants; +but having at last succeeded, they asked the cause of their quarrel. +Backbac, who still had hold of the robber, cried out, "gentlemen, +this man I have hold of is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose +to rob us of the little money we have." The thief, who shut his eyes +as soon as the neighbours came, feigned himself blind, and exclaimed, +"gentlemen, he is a liar. I swear to you by heavens, and by the life +of the caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to give +me my just share. They have all four fallen upon me, and I demand +justice." The neighbours would not interfere in their quarrel, +but carried them all before the judge. When they came before the +magistrate, the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out, +still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed to administer +justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, I declare to you that we are +equally criminal, my four comrades and I; but we have all engaged, +upon oath, to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that if +you would know our crime, you need only order us to be bastinadoed, +and begin with me." Backbac would have spoken, but was not allowed to +do so, and the robber was put under the bastinado. + +[Illustration] + +The robber, being under the bastinado, had the courage to bear twenty +or thirty blows: when, pretending to be overcome with pain, he first +opened one eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, begged +the judge would put a stop to the blows. The judge, perceiving that +he looked upon him with his eyes open, was much surprised, and said +to him, "rogue, what is the meaning of this miracle?" "Sir," replied +the robber, "I will discover to you an important secret, if you will +pardon me, and give me, as a pledge that you will keep your word, the +seal-ring which you have on your finger." The judge consented, gave +him his ring, and promised him pardon. "Under this promise," continued +the robber, "I must confess to you, sir, that I and my four comrades +do all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, that we might +freely enter people's houses, and women's apartments, where we abuse +their weakness. I must farther confess to you, that by this trick we +have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I demanded of my +partners two thousand that belonged to my share, but they refused, +because I told them I would leave them, and they were afraid I should +accuse them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, they fell upon +me; for which I appeal to those people who brought us before you. I +expect from your justice, sir, that you will make them deliver me the +two thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have a mind that my +comrades should confess the truth, you must order them three times as +many blows as I have had, and you will find they will open their eyes +as well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three blind men, would +have cleared themselves of this horrid charge, but the judge would not +hear them; "villains," said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then, +and, under that pretext of moving their compassion, cheat people, and +commit such crimes?" "He is an impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take +God to witness that none of us can see." All that Backbac could say was +in vain, his comrades and he received each of them two hundred blows. +The judge expected them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their +obstinacy what really they could not do; all the while the robber said +to the blind men, "_Poor fools that you are, open your eyes, and do +not suffer yourselves to be beaten to death._" Then addressing himself +to the judge, said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously +obstinate to the last, and will never open their eyes. They wish +certainly to avoid the shame of reading their own condemnation in the +face of every one that looks upon them; it were better, if you think +fit, to pardon them, and to send some person along with me for the ten +thousand dirhems they have hidden." + +The judge consented to give the robber two thousand dirhems, and kept +the rest himself; and as for Backbac and his three companions, he +thought he shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT V. + + THE CONSULTATION. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, was an old officer, +whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks of +the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs, +sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: +he imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the mal-practice of +a surgeon who had administered to him, while he laboured under the +consequences of an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had +inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors +of the medical art, which was more and more confirmed by the +information of a friend at London, who had told him, that it was +a common practice among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their +patients from drinking the water, that the cure, and in consequence +their attendance, might be longer protracted. + +Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few +general instructions he had received, used the waters without +any farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his +hatred and contempt of the sons of Æsculapius, both by speech and +gesticulations, and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to +that which he knew they prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly +in his condition. But he did not find his account in this method, how +successful soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, +instead of vanishing, were every day more and more enraged; and at +length he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn +to night, and from night to morn, though still more determined than +ever to adhere to his former maxims. + +In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the +town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who +triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed +a country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, +early one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and +desire them to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. +In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves +in motion; and three of the foremost arriving at the same instant +of time, far from complimenting one another with the door, each +separately essayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the +passage; while they remained thus wedged together, they descried two +of their brethren posting towards the same goal, with all the speed +that God had enabled them to exert; upon which they came to a parley, +and agreed to stand by one another. This covenant being made, they +disentangled themselves, and, inquiring about the patient, were told +by the servant that he had just fallen asleep. + +Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his +antichamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted +themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage +was filled, from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and +the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck +dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no +sooner made their lodgement good, than they began to consult about +the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have +considered with great care and assiduity. The first who gave his +opinion said, the distemper was an obstinate arthritis; the second +affirmed, that it was no other than a confirmed lues; and the third +swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity of opinions was +supported by a variety of quotations from medical authors, ancient +as well as modern; but these were not of sufficient authority, or +at least not explicit enough, to decide the dispute; for there are +many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, and each set can +quote the fathers in support of the tenets they profess. In short, +the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, as not only alarmed +the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient from the +first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Had it been +simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noise +that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved +from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, he fancied +himself exposed: but this dreadful vision had been the result of that +impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish +of his joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of being +allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great acuteness of sensation; +and the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at +the same time, he began to think his dream was realized, and, in +the pangs of despair, applied himself to a bell that stood by his +bedside, which he rung with great violence and perseverance. + +This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three +doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his +chamber without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third +made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient +could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on +him at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of +the faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to +his master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these +gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such +an assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always +considered with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed +to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited +by his rage, that, though his tongue denied its office, his other +limbs performed their functions: he disengaged himself from the +triumvirate, who had taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed +with incredible agility, and, seizing one of his crutches, applied it +so effectually to one of the three, just as he stooped to examine the +patient's water, that his tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while he +himself fell motionless on the floor. + +This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every +man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door; +and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts +of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the +colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled +his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect +of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without marks +of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again +quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited +faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the +fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew the +attack, set up their throats altogether, and loudly threatened to +prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault. + +[Illustration] + +By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the +cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the +complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that +they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, +he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his +lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession. + +Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour +instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, at once +comprehending the nature of the joke, they sneaked silently off with +the loss they had sustained, in unutterable shame and mortification, +while Peregrine and his friend, who took care to be passing that +way by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary +efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as +he appeared; nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most +affected with their situation, and mischievously tormented them with +questions touching this unusual congregation; then, in consequence +of the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's +valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company +in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of the +farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries +of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed the +whole; though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as +afforded no handle of prosecution. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VI. + + THE DINNER. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired the full confidence +of the doctor, who invited him to an entertainment, which he intended +to prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this +idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured with many +encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy of his genius and +apprehension; and the day was appointed at some distance of time, +that the treater might have leisure to compose certain pickles +and confections, which were not to be found among the culinary +preparations of these degenerate days. + +With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous, +and extracting from it more diversion, Peregrine proposed that some +foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being left to +his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a French +marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he knew to be +most egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance the joy +of the entertainment. + +Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel +where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations +with an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were +received by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his +friend superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, the +guests understood that the doctor had met with numerous difficulties +in the execution of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had been +dismissed, because they could not prevail upon their own consciences +to obey his directions in things that were contrary to the present +practice of their art; and that although he had at last engaged a +person, by an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the +fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed, at the commands he +had received, that his hair stood on end, and he begged on his knees +to be released from the agreement he had made; but finding that his +employer insisted upon the performance of his contract, and threatened +to introduce him to the commissaire, if he should flinch from the +bargain, he had, in the discharge of his office, wept, sung, cursed, +and capered, for two hours without intermission. + +While the company listened to this odd information, by which they +were prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears +were invaded by a piteous voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the +love of God! dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the +mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated with +the sound, when the doctor entering, was by Peregrine made acquainted +with the strangers, to whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could +not help complaining of the want of complaisance he had found in the +Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been almost entirely ruined and +set aside. The French marquis, who thought the honour of his nation +was concerned at this declaration, professed his sorrow for what had +happened, so contrary to the established character of the people, and +undertook to see the delinquents severely punished, provided he could +be informed of their names or places of abode. The mutual compliments +that passed on this occasion were scarce finished, when a servant +coming into the room, announced dinner; and the entertainer led the +way into another apartment, where they found a long table, or rather +two boards joined together, and furnished with a variety of dishes, +the steams of which had such evident effect upon the nerves of the +company, that the marquis made frightful grimaces, under pretence of +taking snuff; the Italian's eyes watered, the German's visage underwent +several distortions of feature; our hero found means to exclude the +odour from his sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; +and the poor painter, running into another room, plugged his nostrils +with tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only person then present +whose organs were not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches +placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he was sorry +he could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, which were +somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they would +have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in his +respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would place +themselves upright at the ends, that they might have the pleasure of +serving those that lay along. This disposition, of which the strangers +had no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most +ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing to each other, on +pretence of disputing the lower seat, but, in reality, with a view of +profiting by the example of each other: for neither of them understood +the manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, who enjoyed their +confusion, handed the count to the other side, where, with the most +mischievous politeness, he insisted upon his taking possession of the +upper place. + +In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continued acting +a pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated +them to wave all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be +spoiled before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, +Peregrine took the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying himself +gently down, with his face towards the table. The marquis, in +imitation of this pattern, (though he would have much rather fasted +three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an +attitude,) stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining upon +his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, with his head +raised above the end of the couch, that the economy of his hair might +not suffer by the projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin +limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without sustaining +any misfortune, but that of his stocking being torn by a ragged +nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level with the rest +of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple +in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down with such +precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furious +contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in a +twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, descended upon +the side of his couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck +off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio. + +The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely +vanquished the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was obliged +to suppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth; +for the bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion, +and the marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance, as +were sufficient to awaken the mirth of a quietist. + +This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances of +the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the +arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to +give some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company +might be directed in their choice; and, with an air of infinite +satisfaction, thus began:--"This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, +served up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, +rue, anchovies, and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one +of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for +the magnitude of their livers, one of which is said to have weighed +upwards of two pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did the +tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had almost +forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an article at all +tables in France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia of +the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, +honey, vinegar, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the +other is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then +there is a loin of boiled veal with fennel and carraway seed, on a +pottage composed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious +hashis of the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a +dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall I help you to a +plate of this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of +the ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish the +composition; while the marquis, being asked by the painter which +of the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire, +accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count, +in lieu of spoon meat, of which he said he was no great admirer, +supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of +our young gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through +the whole course of the entertainment. + +The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full +pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet, +his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary +contractions and dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this +connoisseur, with a view of consulting his taste, before he himself +would venture upon the soup, began to be disturbed at these emotions, +and observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to +be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that these were +symptoms of ecstacy, and, for further confirmation, asked the marquis +how he found the soup. It was with infinite difficulty that his +complaisance could so far master his disgust, as to enable him to +answer, "altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter, +being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to his mouth +without scruple; but far from justifying the eulogium of his taster, +when this precious composition diffused itself upon his palate, he +seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat like the +leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both +sides of his mouth. + +The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired +into the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection, +and swore that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning +brimstone than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, +the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, that, +except the usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but +some sal ammoniac, instead of the ancient nitrum, which could not now +be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum +was not an improvement on the whole. The unfortunate petit maître, +driven to the extremity of his condescension, acknowledged it to +be a masterly refinement; and deeming himself obliged, in point of +honour, to evince his sentiments by his practice, forced a few more +mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down his throat, till his +stomach was so much offended, that he was compelled to start up of +a sudden; and, in the hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate +into the bosom of the baron. The emergency of his occasions would not +permit him to stay and make apologies for this abrupt behaviour; so +that he flew into another apartment, where Pickle found him puking, +and crossing himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his desire, +being brought to the door, he slipped into it more dead than alive, +conjuring his friend Pickle to make his peace with the company, and +in particular excuse him to the baron, on account of the violent +fit of illness with which he had been seized. It was not without +reason that he employed a mediator; for when our hero returned to +the dining-room, the German had got up, and was under the hands +of his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a rich embroidered +waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his misfortune, stamped +upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet, +and the impertinent entertainer, who all this time, with great +deliberation, consoled him for the disaster, by assuring him, that +the damage might be repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot +iron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his face, +appeased his indignation, by telling him how much the whole company, +and especially the marquis, was mortified at the accident; and the +unhappy salacacabia being removed, the places were filled with two +pyes, one of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, which the +doctor had substituted in the room of roasted poppy-seed, formerly +eaten with honey, as a dessert; and the other composed of a hock of +pork baked in honey. + +Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up +his hands and eyes, and, with signs of loathing and amazement, +pronounced, "A pye made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord +in heaven! what beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend +checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a severe look, and +recommended the veal, of which he himself cheerfully ate, with +such encomiums to the company, that the baron resolved to imitate +his example, after having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which +the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the true wine of +Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing else upon the table which he +would venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and had recourse +to the veal also; although he could not help saying, that he would +not give one slice of the roast beef of Old England for all the +dainties of a Roman emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations +and assurances could not prevail upon his guests to honour the +hashis and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in +which he told them there were divers of those dishes, which, +among the ancients, had obtained the appellation of _politeles_, or +magnificent. "That which smokes in the middle", said he, "is a sow's +stomach, filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, +eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and +pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats and belly of a sow, just +farrowed, fried with sweet wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. +On the left is a fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with +milk. At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of pompions, lovage, +origanum, and oil; and here are a couple of pullets, roasted and +stuffed in the manner of Apicius." + +[Illustration] + +The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of the +sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails which +had undergone purgation, no sooner heard him mention the roasted +pullets, than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which +the doctor desired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and +accordingly sent them round, while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth +under his chin, and brandished his knife and fork with singular +address; but scarce were they set down before him, when the tears ran +down his cheeks, and he called aloud, in manifest disorder,--"Zounds! +this is the essence of a whole bed of garlic!" That he might not, +however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied his +instruments to one of the birds; and, when he opened up the cavity, +was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable smells, that, +without staying to disengage himself from the cloth, he sprung away, +with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole table in +havoc, ruin, and confusion. + +Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with +a syrup of the dormice pye, which went to pieces in the general +wreck: and as for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's +stomach, which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon +his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked +with anguish, and grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect. + +The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was +not at all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a +calamity as that which he had already shared; but the doctor was +confounded with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an +application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for +the misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and +prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return, and +make an apology in person; and protested that there was nothing in +the fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the stuffing +being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafœtida, and the sauce +consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which he had used instead of +the celebrated _garum_ of the Romans; that famous pickle having been +prepared sometimes of the _scombri_, which were a sort of tunny fish, +and sometimes of the _silurus_, or shad fish; nay, he observed, that +there was a third kind called _garum hæmation_, made of the guts, +gills, and blood of the _thynnus_. + +The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish the +order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had been +discomposed, ordered every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be +laid, and the dessert to be brought in. + +Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them a specimen of the +_alieus_, or fish-meals of the ancients, such as the _jus diabaton_, +the conger-eel, which, in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the +_cornuta_, or gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, who +says, the horns of many were a foot and a half in length; the mullet +and lamprey, that were in the highest estimation of old, of which +last Julius Cæsar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He +observed, that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace, +in the account he gives of the entertainment to which Mæcenas was +invited by the epicure Nasiedenus, + + Affertur squillas inter muræna natantes, &c. + +and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the _thus +Syriacum_, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the +purgative nature of the fish. Finally, this learned physician gave +them to understand, that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish +in the zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in +point of expense, to some preparations in vogue about the time of +that absurd voluptuary Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six +hundred ostriches to be compounded in one mess. + +By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not +a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: but +what the master of the feast valued himself upon was a sort of +jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable to the _hypotrimma_ of +Hesychius, being a mixture of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to +a proper consistence, and candied assafœtida, which he asserted, +in contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the +_laser Syriacum_, so precious as to be sold among the ancients to +the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word for the +excellency of this gum, but contented themselves with the olives, +which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they seemed +very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they +had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance +of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went +in quest of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in +another apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the +banqueting-room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from +those whom he had injured. Having assured him of this indulgence, +our young gentleman led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands +with an air of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing +himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his +Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child; but +was fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the +honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of +nature in their presence. + +When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was +forgiven in very polite terms, and even received into favour by his +friend the doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession; so +that all the guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so +piously to the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced +very evident effects in the behaviour of all present. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VII. + + THE DUEL. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, and +the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where Peregrine, +taking the advantage of being alone with the physician, recapitulated +all the affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance, +aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advising him, in +the capacity of a friend, to take care of his honour, which could not +fail to suffer in the opinion of the world, if he allowed himself to +be insulted with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree +of consideration. + +The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped +chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and +in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion +was interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most +benevolent disposition; and although he could find no precedent of +duelling among the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the +patterns of demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of +his veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very next +offence he should commit. + +Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he +could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with +the other party also; giving him to understand, that the physician +treated his character with such contempt, and behaved to him with +such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own +part, he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual +animosity, which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more +becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and education; +and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to his inclination, to +break off all correspondence with them both, if they would not fall +upon some method to retrieve the dignity of their characters. + +These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity +of the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve +of single combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise +in which he was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an +insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might +humble him into any concession, without running the least personal +risk. Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet +of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, when +his honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be the bearer +of a challenge, which he would instantly commit to writing. + +The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of +courage, by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship +and society, but declined the office of carrying the billet, that +his tenderness of Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted +into an officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time he +recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger on this +occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field. The magnanimous +painter took his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, penned a +challenge in these terms.-- + + 'SIR,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself; + much less----I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an + unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippythets of the wulgar: + but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you; + but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious + behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this evening, in + the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword and pistol, + where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us, for your body + shall find no favour with your incensed defier, till death. + + 'LAYMAN PALLET.' + +This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal, +and honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to the +charge of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it in the +afternoon; and brought for answer, that the physician would attend +him at the appointed time and place. The challenger was evidently +discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran +about the house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg +his further advice and assistance: but understanding that the youth +was engaged in private with his adversary, he began to suspect some +collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and precipitation. He +even entertained some thoughts of retracting his invitation, and +submitting to the triumph of his antagonist: but before he would +stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved to try another +expedient, which might be the means of saving both his character and +person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and very gravely desired +he would be so good as to undertake the office of his second in a +duel which he was to fight that evening with the physician. + +The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing +fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of, 'Good God! +gentlemen! what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another while it is +in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly to the governor +of the place, who shall interpose his authority.' I say, instead of +these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the +proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself +from accepting the honour intended for him, on account of his character +and situation, which would not permit him to be concerned in any such +rencounters. Indeed this mortifying reception was owing to a previous +hint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption from his +governor, had made him acquainted with his design, and assured him, +that the affair should not be brought to any dangerous issue. + +Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with +perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation, +resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any +submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered by +our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, +told him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown the doctor into +an agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge was +a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the ferocity of +the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; +that he had imparted the letter to him, with fear and trembling, on +pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in reality, with a view +of obtaining his good offices in promoting a reconciliation; 'but +perceiving the situation of his mind,' added our hero, 'I thought +it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and +therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the +field, in full assurance that he will there humble himself before +you, even to prostration. In this security you may go and prepare +your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will 'squire +you to the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence +may not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, that were +sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence +of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger; and his +pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty +armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle. + +On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door, +and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice of his +antagonist pronounce,--'Tell Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place +of appointment.' The painter was not a little surprised at this +anticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he had received +from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he fortified himself +with a large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome the +anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition +with his second, betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue +passed, in their way to the ramparts.--'Mr. Pipes,' said the painter, +with disordered accent, 'methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry +with that message of his.'--'Ey, ey,' answered Tom, 'I do suppose he +longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied the other,'d'ye think he +thirsts after my blood?' 'To be sure a does,' (said Pipes, thrusting +a large quid of tobacco into his cheek with great deliberation). +'If that be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake, 'he is no +better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to fight him on +equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, eyed him with a frown of +indignation, saying, 'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied +the challenger, stammering with fear, 'what should I be afraid of? the +worst he can do is to take my life, and then he'll be answerable both +to God and man for the murder: don't you think he will?'--'I think no +such matter,' answered the second: 'if so be as how he puts a brace of +bullets through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder +than if I was to bring down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By +this time Pallet's teeth shattered with such violence, that he could +scarce pronounce this reply.--'Mr. Thomas, you seem to make very light +of a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty I shall not be so easily +brought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his +life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of falling by the hand of +my adversary?' 'You may or you may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes, +'just as it happens. What then! death is a debt that every man owes, +according to the song; and if you set foot to foot, I think one of +you must go to pot.' 'Foot to foot!' exclaimed the terrified painter, +'that's downright butchery; and I'll be damned before I fight any man +on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage +beast?' This declaration he made while they ascended the ramparts. His +attendant, perceiving the physician and his second at the distance of +an hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their appearance, +and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man. Pallet in vain +endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered itself in an +universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in which he +answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,--'I do behave like a man; +but you would have me act the part of a brute.--Are they coming this +way?' When Tom told him that they had faced about, and admonished him +to advance, the nerves of his arm refused their office, he could not +hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, retreated with an +insensibility of motion; till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set +his own back to that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an +inch farther in that direction. + +While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the +terrors of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those +of Pallet, because he was more intent upon disguising them. His +declaration to Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start +any objections when he received the challenge; and finding that the +young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather +congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the painter's +billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general +reflexions, upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first introduced +among civilized nations by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He +likewise pretended to ridicule the use of fire-arms, which confounded +all the distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant of +the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess. + +Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the +same time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs +of this world (ridiculous as they were), on which a man's honour and +reputation depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that +artifice, the republican's agitation became more and more remarkable; +and he proposed, in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, +like the combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that +they should practise the manner of fighting, since they adopted the +disposition of those iron times. + +Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the +sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he +had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired the +armour of Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for their +accommodation; but as there was no possibility of furnishing them +cap-à-pee at Antwerp, he persuaded him to conform to the modern use +of the sword, and meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting +that his fear would supply him with other excuses for declining +the combat, he comforted him with some distant insinuations, to +the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which would, in all +probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen. + +Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the +reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful +look over his left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was +at his heels. When, by the advice of his second, he took possession of +the ground, and turned about with his face to the enemy, it was not so +dark, but that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his +countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; +nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when he regretted +his want of the _pila_ and _parma_, with which he would have made a +rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in springing forward, and singing +the hymn to battle, in the manner of the ancients. + +In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, far +from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his second, +he guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and collecting +all the manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting +by his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol together, +he advanced in a sort of a trot, raising a loud howl, in which he +repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of +Pindar's Pythia, beginning with _ek theon gar mekanai pasai Broteais +aretais_, &c. This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect +upon the painter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a +fury, with a pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing +the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish words he produced, was +seized with an universal palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down +upon the ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand +upon his defence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding +that he had not flinched from the spot, though he had now performed +one half of his career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his +pistol, the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted +painter, than he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with +great vociferation. + +[Illustration] + +The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to yield, +and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon which he threw +away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and even +threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and went up to his +master, stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence. + +The victor, having won the _spolia opima_, granted him his life, +on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon, +acknowledging him inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and +qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by +submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced +by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not +at all calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he +would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged, with great +humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for +this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited from +his father, and suspend his opinion of his talents, until he should +have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his Cleopatra, +which would be finished in less than three months. + +Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no +man could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions +of fear; and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but +there was something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, +in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest +pretension, that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, +though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly, +in hopes of seeing a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested +that there was no dissimulation in the case: for he was ignorant +of his own weakness, until his resolution was put to the trial: he +faithfully promised to demean himself, during the remaining part of +the tour, with that conscious modesty and penitence which became +a person in his condition: and, for the present, implored the +assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable +consequence of his fear. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VIII. + + THE QUACK DOCTOR. + + +The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare to Buxton Wells, to +the High-peak, and many parts of the North; and being inhabited by +many substantial people concerned in the mines, and having also three +or four of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of England, every +year; is a very populous town. + +There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, a very +extraordinary person, in a character, and with an equipage, somewhat +singular and paradoxical: this was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician +of the itinerant kind. The doctor came to town on horseback, yet +dressed in a plaid night gown and red velvet cap. He had a small +reading-desk fixed upon the pummel of his saddle, that supported a +large folio, in which, by the help of a monstrous pair of spectacles, +the doctor seemed to read, as the horse moved slowly on, with a +profound attention. A portmanteau behind him contained his cargo of +sovereign medicines, which, as brick-dust was probably the principal +ingredient, must have been no small burden to his lean steed. + +The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly along, in a +dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, than that of his master. + +The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his merry-andrew (mounted +on a horse-block before the principal inn), had just begun to +harangue the multitude, and the speech with which he introduced +himself each market-day was to this effect-- + +"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently been imposed upon, no +doubt, by quacks and ignorant pretenders to the noble art of physic; +who, in order to gain your attention, have boasted of their many +years' travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote regions +of the habitable globe. One has been physician to the Sophi of +Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the Empress of Russia; and displayed +his skill at Moscow, Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, +perhaps, has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, or corn-cutter +to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand Turk; or has administered a +clyster to the queen of Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord +knows who--as if the wandering about from place to place (supposing +it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. No, gentlemen, don't +be imposed upon by pompous words and magnificent pretensions. He that +goes abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb. + +"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor--But here I am--your +own countryman--your fellow subject--your neighbour, as I may say. +Why, gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born but at +Coventry, where my mother now lives--Mary Stubbs by name. + +"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which I would not +presume to practise the sublime art and mystery of physic. I am the +seventh son of a seventh son. Seven days was I before I sucked the +breast. Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven years +before I was heard to utter seven words; and twice seven years have +I studied, night and day, for the benefit of you, my friends and +countrymen: and now here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to +cure all manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that +out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without fee or +reward--except a trifling gratuity, the prime cost of my medicines; +or what you may choose voluntarily to contribute hereafter, out of +gratitude for the great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will +receive from the use of them. + +"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous,[1]Anti-febri-fuge Tincture; +that cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for +one poor shilling. + +"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm; +that will cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions, +excoriations, and dislocations; and all for sixpence. + +"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr. +Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world, +as an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will +keep seven years, and--be as good as it is now. Here's this large +bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence. + +"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack, +and ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.--Let Dr. Pestle +or Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town +of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me +in seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew--in +High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any +question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of +solid learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders. + +"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but +not one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by +their silence. + +"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum, +Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, +Catharticum.--Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst +health is so cheaply to be purchased." + +After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor told the company, +that as this was the last time of his appearing at Ashbourn (other +parts of the kingdom claiming a part in his patriotic labours), +he was determined to make a present to all those who had been his +patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon all those +who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's bottles, pill-boxes, +plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to make their appearance, and +partake of his generosity. + +This produced no small degree of expectation amongst those that had +been the doctor's customers, who gathered round him, with their hands +stretched out, and with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the +doctor, "stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised to give you a +shilling a-piece. I will immediately perform my promise. Here's my +Balsamum Stubbianum; which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the +bottle, you shall now have it for sixpence." + +"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where are you? Be quick! +Don't stand in your own light. You'll never have such another +opportunity--as long as you live." + +The people looked upon each other with an air of disappointment. +Some shook their heads, some grinned at the conceit, and others +uttered their execrations--some few, however, who had been unwilling +to throw away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to give +a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or nine shillings +more by this stratagem, which was more than the intrinsic value of +his horse-load of medicines. + +[Illustration] + +This egregious quack conceiving that he had now squeezed the last +farthing out of his audience, commenced his retreat from the crowd +with his usual solemnity of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; +when a sly countryman, who had stood near him for some time, and had +listened with a less than ordinary portion of credulity, nay, who +had, indeed, more than once lifted up his eyes in token of disbelief, +and curved his mouth into an arch of humourous contempt--raised a +pitchfork which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into the +posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to crawl underneath +the Doctor and his baggage.--This Rozinante no sooner felt the +insidious prick, than, bent on revenge, she raised her heels with +deadly intent; but in order to raise her heels, the old creature +found it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took that +opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not avoid, of toppling +over her shoulders. While the medical gentleman was performing his +somerset in the air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the +manifest delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed with +joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and filth--purely out of +the extacy of their gratification, another well disposed patient +taking advantage of the moment, presented a besom to the Merry +Andrew, and fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he was +capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots, and nostrums, which +now bestrewed the pavement.--After a few minutes floundering, the +faithful pair regained their legs, and gathering up the remnants of +their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient speed, amidst +the huzzas and laughter of the mob. + +[Illustration] + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English, +a tincture that will bring on a fever. + + + + + POINT IX. + + A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. + + _A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."_ + + +One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim and Brandt, +were reclined on their beds, beginning to drink freely, relating +their high feats, and, with becoming modesty, comparing themselves to +nothing less than an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden +struck with a sort of inspiration.--"We are very comfortable here," +said he to the Baron.--"Very well indeed," replied Ferdinand XV. with +a slight symptom of ebriety.--"No more guard at night."--"No longer +compelled to drink water."--"No more black bread, Colonel."--"No +more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them sometimes, eh?"--"Aye, +but with the loss of an eye."--"And my poor arm, you have not forgot +that?"--"No more than I have your leg."--"My leg, my leg, ah! that +was a sad affair."--"Your health, Colonel." "Your's, Brandt."--"I +foresee but one little accident, my Lord, that can disturb our +present felicity."--"What's that?"--"O nothing, a mere trifle.--I +was thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they please, +turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."--"Faith! I had +forgot those scoundrels;" answered the Baron, drinking a bumper; +"however, you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect the +rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive them in that +famous tower, where Witikind, with only thirty Saxons, stopped, for +three days, an army of one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne +in person. The place will inspire them with that veneration for my +person which its shattered state no longer enforces." "I will go, +Colonel."--"If they are reasonable--we will pay them."--"If they are +not--we must sabre them."--"That is well said, Brandt,--bravo!"--"Let +us drink, Colonel."--"With all my heart."-- + +The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled his horse, +gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the Israelites, imparted to +them the good intentions of his master, appointed a day the Colonel +would be ready to receive them, and then returned to the castle. + +The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post in the hour of +battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment of his mistress, or +of a courtier at the levee, is not to be compared with the precision +of a Jew, who has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on the +appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before the Baron had +slept himself sober. Brandt went to inform him of the arrival of his +creditors, assisted him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet +lined with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand XIII. and which +Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but to give his public audiences; tied +his sabre over the said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols +in his belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over that of +dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The Baron, thus accoutred, came +forth from his bed-chamber, leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked +majestically through two rows, formed by his creditors, and was +followed by them to the tower of Witikind. + +[Illustration] + +After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked sword and his +pistols, the Baron seated himself in an immense arm-chair, stroked +his whiskers, and spoke in the following terms:-- + +"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here to free myself from +your importunities."--The Jews made a profound reverence. "I have +served the descendant of Cæsar, who is no better than the descendant of +Witikind:--but, no matter, I have served him. I have been in want of +money, and have subscribed to your own terms; now I hold the purse, and +dictate in my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided you +sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews were shocked at this proposal, +and were about to expostulate, but Brandt, giving them a fierce look, +imposed silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The creditors shook +their heads, in token of discontent. Ferdinand XV. swore, by his +ancestors, that he would cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to +approach his castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, +by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat the Saxon Jews, as +the Arabian Jews had treated the Amalekites, if they did not agree to +a compromise; on saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads +of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. A Jew has no +fear for his head, when he trembles for his money. + +The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his teeth, and was a +little embarrassed, when Brandt, who loved gentle means as well as +any body, when he found nothing else would succeed, advised the +Colonel to leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself by +a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of the first who +should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites in the tower. + +Although they passed a great part of the day without food, they still +continued obstinate. At length their physical thirst equalled their +thirst for gold, and they endeavoured to move the iron bars, which +Ferdinand XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, who +was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who kept a sharp look-out, +opposed himself so warmly to their attempt that they were obliged +to abandon it. They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply +was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The Jews signified their +dissent by withdrawing from the window. + +When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, lighted a +fire at the foot of the tower, and he and the Jews spent the hours in +watching each other's motions. The next morning, the prisoners began +to feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded a parley. +"Will you have half?" was again the demand of the inflexible Brandt. +"We will take two thirds," said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear +it, and continued to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder. + +At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist the hunger +which tormented them, requested another conference; and, with seeming +reluctance, agreed to take the half of their debt. "You shall have +but one third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate +instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, almost +fainting, said, "Give us the half."--"You shall have but a quarter," +said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude for a quarter," replied the +Israelite: "there are Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews." + +Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a small ink-stand, +tied the whole at the end of a long pole, which he presented to the +prisoners, and ordered them to give a receipt for three parts of the +debt, which was executed instantly, and he received it back by the +same conveyance. He carried this valuable acquisition to the Baron, +from whom he received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to +the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly careful +in obtaining the title-deeds. He then conducted the Jews to the door, +with great civility, and they departed, wishing him most heartily at +the devil. + +By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner in which the +Baron had discharged his debts, Brandt placed upon the table a large +piece of smoked bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, +for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, even at +the risk of not finding their way to bed until the next morning. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT X. + + _A Scene from Shakspeare._ + + + _Enter Fluellen and Gower._ + +_Gow._ Nay, that's right: but why wear you your leek to day? St. +David's day is past. + +_Flu._ There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things; +I will tell you as a friend, Captain Gower; the rascally, scauld, +beggarly, lowsie, pragging knave Pistol, which you and yourself and +all the world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you now) of no +merits; he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look +you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could breed no +contentions with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it in my cap, +till I see him once again; and then I will tell him a little piece of +my desires. + + _Enter Pistol._ + +_Gow._ Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock. + +_Flu._ 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. God +plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, lowsie knave, God plesse +you. + + _Pist._ Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan, + To have me fold up Parca's fatal web? + Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek. + +[Illustration] + +_Flu._ I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, at my desires, +and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek: +because, look you, you do not love it; and your affections, and your +appetites, and your digestions, does not agree with it; I would +desire you to eat it. + +_Pist._ Not for Cadwallader and all his goats. + + _Flu._ There is one goat for you, [_Strikes him._ + Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it? + +_Pist._ Base Trojan, thou shalt die. + +_Flu._ You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is: I will +desire you to live in the mean time and eat your victuals; come, +there is sawce for it---- [_Strikes him_] You call'd me yesterday, +Mountain-Squire, but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I +pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek. + +_Gow._ Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him. + +_Flu._ I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will +peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, I pray you; it is good +for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb. + +_Pist._ Must I bite? + +_Flu._ Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and ambiguities. + +_Pist._ By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I eat and +swear---- + +_Flu._ Eat, I pray you; will you have some more sawce to your leek? +there is not enough leek to swear by. + +_Pist._ Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat. + +_Flu._ Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw +none away, the skin is good for your proken coxcomb: when you take +occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's all. + +_Pist._ Good. + +_Flu._ Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to heal your +pate. + +_Pist._ Me a groat! + +_Flu._ Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or I have +another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat. + +_Pist._ I take thy groat in earnest of revenge. + +_Flu._ If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; you shall +be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, +and keep you, and heal your pate. + + [_Exit._ + +_Pist._ All hell shall stir for this. + + +_Gow._ Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: will you mock at +an antient tradition, began upon an honourable respect, and worn as a +memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your +deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this +gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak +English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English +cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction +teach you a good English condition: fare you well. + + [_Exit._ + +[Illustration] + + + + + =Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.= + + PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO. + + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Collected by MM. GRIMM, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12 + Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a + curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'--New Monthly + Magazine. + + + A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Illustrated by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke + very favorably; and what with the German varieties in this + sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of + George Cruikshank, certain it is that volume the second deserves + almost equal praise.'--Literary Gazette. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR, + +Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, on Copper and +Wood. Parts 1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India + proofs 12s. 6d. each. + + + GREENWICH HOSPITAL, + +A Series of NAVAL SKETCHES, descriptive of the Life of a +Man-of-War's-Man, by an OLD SAILOR. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve +characteristic Illustrations on Copper by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, coloured +in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price One +Guinea, boards. + + 'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of + George Cruikshank, we have put this article at the head of our + department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace. + Yet it must not be fancied that we mean to derogate from the + literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour + and genuine nautical characteristics so often occupied that + portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten + and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far + greater number of them) now so cleverly brought together, + were originally printed in our columns, where they obtained + so much popularity, as to lead to their being republished in + this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry, + grotesque, and laughable designs.'--Literary Gazette. + + + MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET, + +A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by JOHN +WIGHT, of the Morning Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 10s. 6d. A few copies are printed +on India paper, price 15s. + + India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price + 10s. 6d. and 6s. + + + TALES OF IRISH LIFE, + +Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People, +collected during a residence of several years in various parts of +Ireland, with Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In 2 vols. price 12s. + + 'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in + these fictions; while, at the same time, they are characteristic + and amusing.'--Literary Gazette. + + 'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient + to render any tales immortal.'--British Press. + + 'A hue of nature pervades them--an air of reality invests + them;--life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents and upon + the characters.'--Dublin Morning Register. + + 'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'--Dublin and + London Magazine. + + 'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly + worthy of their attention.'--Critical Gazette. + + + HANS OF ICELAND, + + A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. Price + 7s. 6d. + + 'Some say this monster was a witch, + Some say he was a devil.'--Dragon of Wantley. + + 'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best + productions of its class which we have seen. There is a power + about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's + designs are capital.'--Literary Gazette. + + + THE HUMOURIST; + +A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty +Sayings, &c. Original and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured +Plates, Drawn and Engraved by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In Four Volumes, 5s. +each. + + + ECCENTRIC TALES, + +From the German of W. F. VON KOSEWITZ. Embellished with twenty coloured +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, from Sketches by ALFRED CROWQUILL. + Price 15s. + + + MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON, + +by GEO. CLINTON, ESQ. with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by +GEO. CRUIKSHANK. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + + +Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART II (OF II) *** + +***** This file should be named 44572-0.txt or 44572-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/5/7/44572/ + +Produced by Douglas L. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Points of Humour, Part II (of II) + +Author: Anonymous + +Illustrator: George Cruikshank + +Release Date: January 3, 2014 [EBook #44572] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART II (OF II) *** + + + + +Produced by Douglas L. Alley, III, Chris Curnow and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net +(This file was produced from images generously made +available by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + + + + + + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR. + + ILLUSTRATED BY + + =A Series of Plates,= + + FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS. + + "_Let me play the fool: + With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come; + And let my liver rather heat with wine, + Than my heart cool with mortifying groans. + Why should a man, whose blood is warm within, + Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster? + Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice + By being peevish?_" + + SHAKSPEARE. + + PART II. + + PRICE 8_s._ + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE, + PATERNOSTER ROW. + + + + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR; + + =Illustrated= + + BY THE + + DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + PART II. + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET. + + 1824. + + + LONDON: + + Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch-street. + + + + + PREFACE. + + +The best preface to _this_ set of the POINTS OF HUMOUR is the +_former_ set, which, we are credibly informed, has favorably disposed +the muscles of our readers for repeating a certain cackling sound, +which is heart-food to our friend George Cruikshank. + +One individual, for certain, has laughed over these POINTS, and he is +a very worthy gentleman, who may be discerned wedging his way through +sundry piles of books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being +opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever asked him after +the sale of this little work, without observing an instantaneous +distension of that feature of the face which is used for more +purposes than merely grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this +second set will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a coarse +saying goes, "he will not be made to sing to another tune." + +The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or whatever name +the daily or weekly critics may give him, for they have given him +all these, will, undoubtedly, be heartily sorry should this change +take place, for he avows that since the publication of the POINTS, +the face of the worthy gentleman alluded to has been illuminated by +one unclouded sunshine, so much so, indeed, that to enter his shop +has been a constant resource against melancholy during this gloomy +weather. A face lighted up with good humour in a dark shop, is like a +blaze of light in the middle of one of Rembrandt's murky pictures. + +It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or rather +_followed_ a hint of one of the critics upon this little book. He has +resorted for part of his materials, to the author, who is the richest +of all in the humour of _situation_. Fielding has been suggested; +but though some things, excellent in their kind, might be found in +him, yet it will be observed, on a more accurate consideration, that +this admirable author is infinitely less adapted to the pencil of +Cruikshank, than his successor in the walk of humour. Fielding is a +master in the power of laying open all the springs which regulate the +motion of that curious piece of mechanism, the human heart. He wrote +with the inspiration of genius, and is true to nature in her minutest +circumstances. He involuntarily and unconsciously catches the look, the +word, the gesture, which would undoubtedly have manifested itself, and +which is in itself a strong gleam of light upon the whole character. +His _dramatis person_ are not, generally, very extraordinary +people.--He dealt in that which is _common_ to all. While, on the +contrary, Smollett is rich in that which is uncommon and eccentric. +His field is among oddities, hobby-horses, foibles, and singularities +of all kinds, which he groups in the most extraordinary manner, and +colours for the most striking effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied +smile, but it is over the page of Smollett that the loud laugh is heard +to break forth.--How much at home our artist is in the conception of +Smollett may be seen in the following plates. + +It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank should waste his +talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and not hand down his name by +illustrating the works of our great Novelists. As well might it have +been said to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting +upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." Genius consecrates and +immortalizes all it touches.--If the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral, +the plates will stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint +his _Rake's Progress_ in illustration of any immortal work, nor does it +require a set of octavo volumes to remind posterity of his existence. + +A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, would chuse +rather to exalt the humble, than endow the rich. + +We have an observation to make respecting one of the plates, the last +in the order. It will be seen that the costume of the characters +there pourtrayed, is essentially different from that adopted by every +illustrator of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. The +proper authorities have been in this, as in other cases, diligently +consulted, and it has appeared that these artists, in their endeavour +to discover the dress of our ancestors, have stopped short at the +reign of Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V. + +_March_, 1824. + + + + + NOTICE. + + +As there are Works continually advertised "_with Plates by +Cruikshank_," the Public are particularly requested to observe, that +_George_ Cruikshank has no connexion with any Publications to which +his Christian Name is not affixed; and that all Works, for which he +has made Designs, are advertised with his name in full. He has made +Designs for the following Works:-- + + + ITALIAN TALES. + + Just published, price 10s. in one volume beautifully printed, with + sixteen Original Designs by George Cruikshank, + + =Italian Tales= + + OF HUMOUR, GALLANTRY, AND ROMANCE. + + Selected and translated from a variety of Authors. + + "This volume of light entertainment possesses considerable merit, + and its embellishments are of the best kind. The ability of Mr. + George Cruikshank is so well known, that to say he does not in the + present volume fall short of his former excellence, is sufficient + praise. Many of his designs are exceedingly graceful and are + executed with singular delicacy."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "Cruikshank has illustrated these Italian Tales with a grace + which (without imitation) approaches the beauty of Stothard's + compositions."--_Westminster Review, No. I._ + + +Second Edition, in 12mo. (250 pages) price 7s. with 12 plates, designed + and engraved by George Cruikshank, + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + _Translated from the Kinder und Haus-Mrchen of_ + + M. M. GRIMM. + + With a PREFACE and NOTES by the Translators. + + "This book ought to be in possession of the man as a curiosity, + and of the child as an amusement."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "The little book published last winter, '_German Nursery + Tales_, with etchings by Cruikshank,' was executed in a style + very superior to the '_Tales of the Northern Nations_.' The + Translator, whoever he be, displayed a great deal of tact in + transferring these Stories with so much of their native navet." + + _Blackwood's Magazine, October_ 1. + + Vol. II. is preparing for Publication. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR.--No. I. + +--An _imitation_ of the last Work having appeared, _George_ Cruikshank +takes leave to say, that he did not make a single Drawing for it. + + + + + POINT I. + + THE THREE HUNCHBACKS. + + +At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle on the bank of +a river near a bridge. The master of this castle was hunchbacked. +Nature had exhausted her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical +figure. In place of understanding, she had given him an immense head, +which nevertheless was lost between his two shoulders: he had thick +hair, a short neck, and a horrible visage. + +Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself of falling +in love with a beautiful young woman, the daughter of a poor but +respectable burgess of Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he +was the richest person in the district, the poor girl was delivered +up to him. After the nuptials he was as much an object of pity as +she, for, being devoured by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night +nor day, but went prying and rambling every where, and suffered no +stranger to enter the castle. + +One day during the Christmas festival, while standing sentinel at his +gate, he was accosted by three humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him +as a brother, as such asked him for refreshments, and at the same +time, to establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously shouldered +their humps at him. Contrary to expectation, he conducted them to his +kitchen, gave them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money +over and above. Before their departure, however, he warned them never +to return on pain of being thrown into the river. At this threat of +the Chatelain the minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to +the town, singing in full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque manner, +in derision of their brother-hump of the castle. He, on his part, +without paying farther attention, went to walk in the fields. + +[Illustration] + +The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, and had heard the +minstrels, called them back to amuse her. They had not been long +returned to the castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by which +she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. Fortunately, the lady +perceived in a neighbouring room three empty coffers. Into each of +these she stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened the gate +to her husband. He had only come back to espy the conduct of his wife +as usual, and, after a short stay, went out anew, at which you may +believe his wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to the coffers +to release her prisoners, for night was approaching and her husband +would not probably be long absent. But what was her dismay, when she +found them all three suffocated! Lamentation, however, was useless. The +main object now was to get rid of the dead bodies, and she had not a +moment to lose. She ran then to the gate, and seeing a peasant go +by, she offered him a reward of thirty livres, and leading him into +the castle, she took him to one of the coffers, and shewing him its +contents, told him he must throw the dead body into the river: he asked +for a sack, put the carcase into it, pitched it over the bridge, and +then returned quite out of breath to claim the promised reward. + +[Illustration] + +"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, "but you ought +first to fulfil the condition of the bargain--you have agreed to rid +me of the dead body, have you not? There, however, it is still." +Saying this, she showed him the other coffer in which the second +humpbacked minstrel had expired. At this sight the clown was perfectly +confounded--"how the devil! come back! a sorcerer!"--he then stuffed +the body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over the bridge, +taking care to put the head down and to observe that it sank. + +Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position of the coffers, +so that the third was now in the place which had been successively +occupied by the two others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him +the remaining dead body--"you are right, friend," said she, "he must +be a magician, for there he is again." The rustic gnashed his teeth +with rage. "What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry about this +humpback?" He then lifted him up, with dreadful imprecations, and +having tied a stone round the neck, threw him into the middle of the +current, threatening, if he came out a third time, to despatch him +with a cudgel. + +[Illustration] + +The first object that presented itself to the clown, on his way back +for his reward, was the hunchbacked master of the castle returning +from his evening walk, and making towards the gate. At this sight the +peasant could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of a humpback, are you +there again?" So saying, he sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his +shoulders, and hurled him headlong into the river after the minstrels. + +[Illustration] + +"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this last time," said the +peasant, entering the room where the lady was seated. She answered, +she had not. "You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer +was already at the gate, but I have taken care of him--be at your +ease--he will not come back now." + +The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, and recompensed +the peasant with much satisfaction. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT II. + + A RELISH BEFORE DINNER. + + +[Illustration] + +When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging Prague, a boor, +of a most extraordinary visage, desired admittance to his tent; and +being allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, to devour +a large hog in his presence. The old general Konigsmark, who stood +by the king's side, notwithstanding his bravery, had not got rid of +the prejudices of his childhood, and hinted to his royal master, +that the peasant ought to be burnt as a sorcerer. "Sir," said the +fellow, irritated at the remark, "if your majesty will but make that +old gentleman take off his sword and spurs, I will eat him before I +begin the pig." General Konigsmark, who had, at the head of a body +of Swedes, performed wonders against the Austrians, could not stand +this proposal, especially as it was accompanied by a most hideous +expansion of the jaws and mouth. Without uttering a word, the veteran +turned pale and suddenly ran out of the tent, and did not think +himself safe till he arrived at his quarters, where he remained above +twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he got rid of the panic +which had so strongly seized him. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT III. + + THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS. + + +A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought every where for +a skilful physician in whom he could place confidence, and to whose +care he might confide a life so dear to him. In the course of his +search he met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might be +rendered visible. The young man exchanged, for this talisman, half +his possessions, and having secured his treasure, ran with it to +the house of a famous physician. Flocking round the door he beheld +a crowd of shades, the ghosts of those persons whom this physician +had killed. Some old, some young; some the skeletons of fat old men; +some gigantic frames of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants and +squalling women; all joined in menaces and threats against the house +of the physician--the den of their destroyer--who however peacefully +marched through them with his cane to his chin, and a grave and +solemn air. The same vision presented itself, more or less, at the +house of every physician of eminence. One at length was pointed +out to him in a distant quarter of the city, at whose door he only +perceived two little ghosts. "Behold," exclaimed he, with a joyful +cry, "the good physician of whom I have been so long in search!" The +doctor, astonished, asked him how he had been able to discover this? +"Pardon me," said the afflicted lover complacently, "your ability +and your reputation are well known to me." "My reputation!" said the +physician, "why I have been in Paris but eight days, and in that time +I have had but TWO patients." "Good God!" involuntarily exclaimed the +young man, "and there they are!" + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT IV. + + THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS. + + +There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was blind, and his evil +destiny reduced him to beg from door to door. He had been so long +accustomed to walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none +to lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's doors, and not +answer till they opened to him. One day he knocked thus, and the +master of the house, who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac +made no answer, and knocked a second time: the master of the house +asked again and again, "who is there?" but to no purpose, no one +answered; upon which he came down, opened the door, and asked the +man what he wanted? "Give me something, for Heaven's sake," said +Backbac; "you seem to be blind," replied the master of the house; +"yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac. "Give me your hand," resumed +the master of the house; he did so, thinking he was going to give him +alms; but he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his chamber. +Backbac thought he had been carrying him to dine with him, as many +people had done. When they reached the chamber, the man let go his +hand, and sitting down, asked him again what he wanted? "I have +already told you," said Backbac, "that I want something for God's +sake." "Good blind man," replied the master of the house, "all that +I can do for you is to wish that God may restore your sight." "You +might have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and not have +given me the trouble to come up stairs." "And why, fool," said the +man of the house, "do not you answer at first, when people ask you +who is there? why do you give any body the trouble to come and open +the door when they speak to you?"--"What will you do with me then?" +asked Backbac; "I tell you again," said the man of the house, "I have +nothing to give you." "Help me down the stairs then, as you brought +me up."--"The stairs are before you," said the man of the house, "and +you may go down by yourself if you will." The blind man attempted to +descend, but missing a step, about the middle of the stairs, fell +to the bottom and hurt his head and his back: he got up again with +much difficulty, and went out, cursing the master of the house, who +laughed at his fall. + +As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, his companions, were +going by, knew him by his voice, and asked him what was the matter? He +told them what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have eaten nothing +to day; I conjure you to go along with me to my house, that I may take +some of this money that we four have in common, to buy me something for +supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home with him. + +You must know that the master of the house where Backbac was so ill +used, was a robber, and of a cunning and malicious disposition; he +overheard from his window what Backbac had said to his companions, +and came down and followed them to Backbac's house. The blind men +being seated, Backbac said to them, "brothers, we must shut the +door, and take care there be no stranger with us." At this the robber +was much perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a beam, +he caught hold of it, and hung by it while the blind men shut the +door, and felt about the room with their sticks. When they had done, +and had sat down again in their places, the robber left his rope, +and seated himself softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself alone +with his blind comrades, said to them, "brothers, since you have +trusted me with the money, which we have been a long time gathering, +I will shew you that I am not unworthy of the confidence you repose +in me. The last time we reckoned, you know that we had ten thousand +dirhems, and that we put them into ten bags: I will shew you that I +have not touched one of them;" having so said, he put his hand among +some old clothes, and taking out the bags one after another, gave +them to his comrades, saying, "there they are: you may judge by their +weight that they are whole, or you may tell them if you please." His +comrades answered, "there was no need, they did not mistrust him;" so +he opened one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems, and each of the +other blind men did the like. + +Backbac put the bags into their place again; after which, one of the +blind men said to him, "there is no need to lay out any thing for +supper, for I have collected as much victuals from good people as +will serve us all:" at the same time he took out of his bag bread and +cheese, and some fruit, and putting all upon the table, they began +to eat. The robber, who sat at Backbac's right hand, picked out the +best, and eat with them; but, whatever care he took to make no noise, +Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out immediately, "We are +undone, there is a stranger among us!" Having so said, he stretched +out his hand, and caught hold of the robber by the arm, cried out +"_thieves!_" fell upon him, and struck him. The other blind men fell +upon him in like manner; the robber defended himself as well as he +could, and being young and vigorous, besides having the advantage +of his eyes, he swung by the hanging rope, and gave furious kicks, +sometimes to one, sometimes to another, and cried out "_thieves!_" +louder than they did. The neighbours came running at the noise, +broke open the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants; +but having at last succeeded, they asked the cause of their quarrel. +Backbac, who still had hold of the robber, cried out, "gentlemen, +this man I have hold of is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose +to rob us of the little money we have." The thief, who shut his eyes +as soon as the neighbours came, feigned himself blind, and exclaimed, +"gentlemen, he is a liar. I swear to you by heavens, and by the life +of the caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to give +me my just share. They have all four fallen upon me, and I demand +justice." The neighbours would not interfere in their quarrel, +but carried them all before the judge. When they came before the +magistrate, the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out, +still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed to administer +justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, I declare to you that we are +equally criminal, my four comrades and I; but we have all engaged, +upon oath, to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that if +you would know our crime, you need only order us to be bastinadoed, +and begin with me." Backbac would have spoken, but was not allowed to +do so, and the robber was put under the bastinado. + +[Illustration] + +The robber, being under the bastinado, had the courage to bear twenty +or thirty blows: when, pretending to be overcome with pain, he first +opened one eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, begged +the judge would put a stop to the blows. The judge, perceiving that +he looked upon him with his eyes open, was much surprised, and said +to him, "rogue, what is the meaning of this miracle?" "Sir," replied +the robber, "I will discover to you an important secret, if you will +pardon me, and give me, as a pledge that you will keep your word, the +seal-ring which you have on your finger." The judge consented, gave +him his ring, and promised him pardon. "Under this promise," continued +the robber, "I must confess to you, sir, that I and my four comrades +do all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, that we might +freely enter people's houses, and women's apartments, where we abuse +their weakness. I must farther confess to you, that by this trick we +have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I demanded of my +partners two thousand that belonged to my share, but they refused, +because I told them I would leave them, and they were afraid I should +accuse them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, they fell upon +me; for which I appeal to those people who brought us before you. I +expect from your justice, sir, that you will make them deliver me the +two thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have a mind that my +comrades should confess the truth, you must order them three times as +many blows as I have had, and you will find they will open their eyes +as well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three blind men, would +have cleared themselves of this horrid charge, but the judge would not +hear them; "villains," said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then, +and, under that pretext of moving their compassion, cheat people, and +commit such crimes?" "He is an impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take +God to witness that none of us can see." All that Backbac could say was +in vain, his comrades and he received each of them two hundred blows. +The judge expected them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their +obstinacy what really they could not do; all the while the robber said +to the blind men, "_Poor fools that you are, open your eyes, and do +not suffer yourselves to be beaten to death._" Then addressing himself +to the judge, said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously +obstinate to the last, and will never open their eyes. They wish +certainly to avoid the shame of reading their own condemnation in the +face of every one that looks upon them; it were better, if you think +fit, to pardon them, and to send some person along with me for the ten +thousand dirhems they have hidden." + +The judge consented to give the robber two thousand dirhems, and kept +the rest himself; and as for Backbac and his three companions, he +thought he shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT V. + + THE CONSULTATION. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, was an old officer, +whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks of +the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs, +sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: +he imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the mal-practice of +a surgeon who had administered to him, while he laboured under the +consequences of an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had +inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors +of the medical art, which was more and more confirmed by the +information of a friend at London, who had told him, that it was +a common practice among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their +patients from drinking the water, that the cure, and in consequence +their attendance, might be longer protracted. + +Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few +general instructions he had received, used the waters without +any farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his +hatred and contempt of the sons of sculapius, both by speech and +gesticulations, and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to +that which he knew they prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly +in his condition. But he did not find his account in this method, how +successful soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, +instead of vanishing, were every day more and more enraged; and at +length he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn +to night, and from night to morn, though still more determined than +ever to adhere to his former maxims. + +In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the +town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who +triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed +a country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, +early one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and +desire them to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. +In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves +in motion; and three of the foremost arriving at the same instant +of time, far from complimenting one another with the door, each +separately essayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the +passage; while they remained thus wedged together, they descried two +of their brethren posting towards the same goal, with all the speed +that God had enabled them to exert; upon which they came to a parley, +and agreed to stand by one another. This covenant being made, they +disentangled themselves, and, inquiring about the patient, were told +by the servant that he had just fallen asleep. + +Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his +antichamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted +themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage +was filled, from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and +the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck +dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no +sooner made their lodgement good, than they began to consult about +the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have +considered with great care and assiduity. The first who gave his +opinion said, the distemper was an obstinate arthritis; the second +affirmed, that it was no other than a confirmed lues; and the third +swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity of opinions was +supported by a variety of quotations from medical authors, ancient +as well as modern; but these were not of sufficient authority, or +at least not explicit enough, to decide the dispute; for there are +many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, and each set can +quote the fathers in support of the tenets they profess. In short, +the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, as not only alarmed +the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient from the +first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Had it been +simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noise +that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved +from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, he fancied +himself exposed: but this dreadful vision had been the result of that +impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish +of his joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of being +allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great acuteness of sensation; +and the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at +the same time, he began to think his dream was realized, and, in +the pangs of despair, applied himself to a bell that stood by his +bedside, which he rung with great violence and perseverance. + +This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three +doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his +chamber without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third +made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient +could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on +him at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of +the faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to +his master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these +gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such +an assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always +considered with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed +to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited +by his rage, that, though his tongue denied its office, his other +limbs performed their functions: he disengaged himself from the +triumvirate, who had taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed +with incredible agility, and, seizing one of his crutches, applied it +so effectually to one of the three, just as he stooped to examine the +patient's water, that his tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while he +himself fell motionless on the floor. + +This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every +man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door; +and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts +of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the +colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled +his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect +of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without marks +of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again +quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited +faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the +fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew the +attack, set up their throats altogether, and loudly threatened to +prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault. + +[Illustration] + +By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the +cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the +complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that +they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, +he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his +lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession. + +Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour +instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, at once +comprehending the nature of the joke, they sneaked silently off with +the loss they had sustained, in unutterable shame and mortification, +while Peregrine and his friend, who took care to be passing that +way by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary +efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as +he appeared; nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most +affected with their situation, and mischievously tormented them with +questions touching this unusual congregation; then, in consequence +of the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's +valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company +in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of the +farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries +of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed the +whole; though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as +afforded no handle of prosecution. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VI. + + THE DINNER. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired the full confidence +of the doctor, who invited him to an entertainment, which he intended +to prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this +idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured with many +encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy of his genius and +apprehension; and the day was appointed at some distance of time, +that the treater might have leisure to compose certain pickles +and confections, which were not to be found among the culinary +preparations of these degenerate days. + +With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous, +and extracting from it more diversion, Peregrine proposed that some +foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being left to +his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a French +marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he knew to be +most egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance the joy +of the entertainment. + +Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel +where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations +with an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were +received by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his +friend superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, the +guests understood that the doctor had met with numerous difficulties +in the execution of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had been +dismissed, because they could not prevail upon their own consciences +to obey his directions in things that were contrary to the present +practice of their art; and that although he had at last engaged a +person, by an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the +fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed, at the commands he +had received, that his hair stood on end, and he begged on his knees +to be released from the agreement he had made; but finding that his +employer insisted upon the performance of his contract, and threatened +to introduce him to the commissaire, if he should flinch from the +bargain, he had, in the discharge of his office, wept, sung, cursed, +and capered, for two hours without intermission. + +While the company listened to this odd information, by which they +were prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears +were invaded by a piteous voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the +love of God! dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the +mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated with +the sound, when the doctor entering, was by Peregrine made acquainted +with the strangers, to whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could +not help complaining of the want of complaisance he had found in the +Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been almost entirely ruined and +set aside. The French marquis, who thought the honour of his nation +was concerned at this declaration, professed his sorrow for what had +happened, so contrary to the established character of the people, and +undertook to see the delinquents severely punished, provided he could +be informed of their names or places of abode. The mutual compliments +that passed on this occasion were scarce finished, when a servant +coming into the room, announced dinner; and the entertainer led the +way into another apartment, where they found a long table, or rather +two boards joined together, and furnished with a variety of dishes, +the steams of which had such evident effect upon the nerves of the +company, that the marquis made frightful grimaces, under pretence of +taking snuff; the Italian's eyes watered, the German's visage underwent +several distortions of feature; our hero found means to exclude the +odour from his sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; +and the poor painter, running into another room, plugged his nostrils +with tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only person then present +whose organs were not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches +placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he was sorry +he could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, which were +somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they would +have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in his +respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would place +themselves upright at the ends, that they might have the pleasure of +serving those that lay along. This disposition, of which the strangers +had no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most +ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing to each other, on +pretence of disputing the lower seat, but, in reality, with a view of +profiting by the example of each other: for neither of them understood +the manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, who enjoyed their +confusion, handed the count to the other side, where, with the most +mischievous politeness, he insisted upon his taking possession of the +upper place. + +In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continued acting +a pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated +them to wave all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be +spoiled before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, +Peregrine took the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying himself +gently down, with his face towards the table. The marquis, in +imitation of this pattern, (though he would have much rather fasted +three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an +attitude,) stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining upon +his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, with his head +raised above the end of the couch, that the economy of his hair might +not suffer by the projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin +limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without sustaining +any misfortune, but that of his stocking being torn by a ragged +nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level with the rest +of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple +in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down with such +precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furious +contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in a +twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, descended upon +the side of his couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck +off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio. + +The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely +vanquished the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was obliged +to suppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth; +for the bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion, +and the marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance, as +were sufficient to awaken the mirth of a quietist. + +This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances of +the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the +arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to +give some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company +might be directed in their choice; and, with an air of infinite +satisfaction, thus began:--"This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, +served up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, +rue, anchovies, and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one +of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for +the magnitude of their livers, one of which is said to have weighed +upwards of two pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did the +tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had almost +forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an article at all +tables in France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia of +the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, +honey, vinegar, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the +other is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then +there is a loin of boiled veal with fennel and carraway seed, on a +pottage composed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious +hashis of the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a +dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall I help you to a +plate of this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of +the ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish the +composition; while the marquis, being asked by the painter which +of the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire, +accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count, +in lieu of spoon meat, of which he said he was no great admirer, +supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of +our young gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through +the whole course of the entertainment. + +The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full +pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet, +his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary +contractions and dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this +connoisseur, with a view of consulting his taste, before he himself +would venture upon the soup, began to be disturbed at these emotions, +and observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to +be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that these were +symptoms of ecstacy, and, for further confirmation, asked the marquis +how he found the soup. It was with infinite difficulty that his +complaisance could so far master his disgust, as to enable him to +answer, "altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter, +being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to his mouth +without scruple; but far from justifying the eulogium of his taster, +when this precious composition diffused itself upon his palate, he +seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat like the +leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both +sides of his mouth. + +The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired +into the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection, +and swore that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning +brimstone than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, +the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, that, +except the usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but +some sal ammoniac, instead of the ancient nitrum, which could not now +be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum +was not an improvement on the whole. The unfortunate petit matre, +driven to the extremity of his condescension, acknowledged it to +be a masterly refinement; and deeming himself obliged, in point of +honour, to evince his sentiments by his practice, forced a few more +mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down his throat, till his +stomach was so much offended, that he was compelled to start up of +a sudden; and, in the hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate +into the bosom of the baron. The emergency of his occasions would not +permit him to stay and make apologies for this abrupt behaviour; so +that he flew into another apartment, where Pickle found him puking, +and crossing himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his desire, +being brought to the door, he slipped into it more dead than alive, +conjuring his friend Pickle to make his peace with the company, and +in particular excuse him to the baron, on account of the violent +fit of illness with which he had been seized. It was not without +reason that he employed a mediator; for when our hero returned to +the dining-room, the German had got up, and was under the hands +of his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a rich embroidered +waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his misfortune, stamped +upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet, +and the impertinent entertainer, who all this time, with great +deliberation, consoled him for the disaster, by assuring him, that +the damage might be repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot +iron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his face, +appeased his indignation, by telling him how much the whole company, +and especially the marquis, was mortified at the accident; and the +unhappy salacacabia being removed, the places were filled with two +pyes, one of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, which the +doctor had substituted in the room of roasted poppy-seed, formerly +eaten with honey, as a dessert; and the other composed of a hock of +pork baked in honey. + +Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up +his hands and eyes, and, with signs of loathing and amazement, +pronounced, "A pye made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord +in heaven! what beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend +checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a severe look, and +recommended the veal, of which he himself cheerfully ate, with +such encomiums to the company, that the baron resolved to imitate +his example, after having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which +the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the true wine of +Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing else upon the table which he +would venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and had recourse +to the veal also; although he could not help saying, that he would +not give one slice of the roast beef of Old England for all the +dainties of a Roman emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations +and assurances could not prevail upon his guests to honour the +hashis and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in +which he told them there were divers of those dishes, which, +among the ancients, had obtained the appellation of _politeles_, or +magnificent. "That which smokes in the middle", said he, "is a sow's +stomach, filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, +eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and +pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats and belly of a sow, just +farrowed, fried with sweet wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. +On the left is a fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with +milk. At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of pompions, lovage, +origanum, and oil; and here are a couple of pullets, roasted and +stuffed in the manner of Apicius." + +[Illustration] + +The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of the +sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails which +had undergone purgation, no sooner heard him mention the roasted +pullets, than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which +the doctor desired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and +accordingly sent them round, while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth +under his chin, and brandished his knife and fork with singular +address; but scarce were they set down before him, when the tears ran +down his cheeks, and he called aloud, in manifest disorder,--"Zounds! +this is the essence of a whole bed of garlic!" That he might not, +however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied his +instruments to one of the birds; and, when he opened up the cavity, +was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable smells, that, +without staying to disengage himself from the cloth, he sprung away, +with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole table in +havoc, ruin, and confusion. + +Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with +a syrup of the dormice pye, which went to pieces in the general +wreck: and as for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's +stomach, which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon +his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked +with anguish, and grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect. + +The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was +not at all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a +calamity as that which he had already shared; but the doctor was +confounded with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an +application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for +the misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and +prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return, and +make an apology in person; and protested that there was nothing in +the fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the stuffing +being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafoetida, and the sauce +consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which he had used instead of +the celebrated _garum_ of the Romans; that famous pickle having been +prepared sometimes of the _scombri_, which were a sort of tunny fish, +and sometimes of the _silurus_, or shad fish; nay, he observed, that +there was a third kind called _garum hmation_, made of the guts, +gills, and blood of the _thynnus_. + +The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish the +order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had been +discomposed, ordered every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be +laid, and the dessert to be brought in. + +Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them a specimen of the +_alieus_, or fish-meals of the ancients, such as the _jus diabaton_, +the conger-eel, which, in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the +_cornuta_, or gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, who +says, the horns of many were a foot and a half in length; the mullet +and lamprey, that were in the highest estimation of old, of which +last Julius Csar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He +observed, that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace, +in the account he gives of the entertainment to which Mcenas was +invited by the epicure Nasiedenus, + + Affertur squillas inter murna natantes, &c. + +and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the _thus +Syriacum_, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the +purgative nature of the fish. Finally, this learned physician gave +them to understand, that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish +in the zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in +point of expense, to some preparations in vogue about the time of +that absurd voluptuary Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six +hundred ostriches to be compounded in one mess. + +By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not +a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: but +what the master of the feast valued himself upon was a sort of +jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable to the _hypotrimma_ of +Hesychius, being a mixture of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to +a proper consistence, and candied assafoetida, which he asserted, +in contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the +_laser Syriacum_, so precious as to be sold among the ancients to +the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word for the +excellency of this gum, but contented themselves with the olives, +which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they seemed +very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they +had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance +of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went +in quest of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in +another apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the +banqueting-room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from +those whom he had injured. Having assured him of this indulgence, +our young gentleman led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands +with an air of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing +himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his +Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child; but +was fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the +honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of +nature in their presence. + +When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was +forgiven in very polite terms, and even received into favour by his +friend the doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession; so +that all the guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so +piously to the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced +very evident effects in the behaviour of all present. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VII. + + THE DUEL. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, and +the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where Peregrine, +taking the advantage of being alone with the physician, recapitulated +all the affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance, +aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advising him, in +the capacity of a friend, to take care of his honour, which could not +fail to suffer in the opinion of the world, if he allowed himself to +be insulted with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree +of consideration. + +The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped +chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and +in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion +was interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most +benevolent disposition; and although he could find no precedent of +duelling among the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the +patterns of demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of +his veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very next +offence he should commit. + +Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he +could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with +the other party also; giving him to understand, that the physician +treated his character with such contempt, and behaved to him with +such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own +part, he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual +animosity, which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more +becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and education; +and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to his inclination, to +break off all correspondence with them both, if they would not fall +upon some method to retrieve the dignity of their characters. + +These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity +of the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve +of single combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise +in which he was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an +insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might +humble him into any concession, without running the least personal +risk. Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet +of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, when +his honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be the bearer +of a challenge, which he would instantly commit to writing. + +The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of +courage, by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship +and society, but declined the office of carrying the billet, that +his tenderness of Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted +into an officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time he +recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger on this +occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field. The magnanimous +painter took his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, penned a +challenge in these terms.-- + + 'SIR,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself; + much less----I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an + unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippythets of the wulgar: + but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you; + but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious + behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this evening, in + the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword and pistol, + where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us, for your body + shall find no favour with your incensed defier, till death. + + 'LAYMAN PALLET.' + +This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal, +and honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to the +charge of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it in the +afternoon; and brought for answer, that the physician would attend +him at the appointed time and place. The challenger was evidently +discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran +about the house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg +his further advice and assistance: but understanding that the youth +was engaged in private with his adversary, he began to suspect some +collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and precipitation. He +even entertained some thoughts of retracting his invitation, and +submitting to the triumph of his antagonist: but before he would +stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved to try another +expedient, which might be the means of saving both his character and +person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and very gravely desired +he would be so good as to undertake the office of his second in a +duel which he was to fight that evening with the physician. + +The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing +fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of, 'Good God! +gentlemen! what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another while it is +in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly to the governor +of the place, who shall interpose his authority.' I say, instead of +these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the +proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself +from accepting the honour intended for him, on account of his character +and situation, which would not permit him to be concerned in any such +rencounters. Indeed this mortifying reception was owing to a previous +hint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption from his +governor, had made him acquainted with his design, and assured him, +that the affair should not be brought to any dangerous issue. + +Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with +perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation, +resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any +submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered by +our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, +told him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown the doctor into +an agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge was +a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the ferocity of +the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; +that he had imparted the letter to him, with fear and trembling, on +pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in reality, with a view +of obtaining his good offices in promoting a reconciliation; 'but +perceiving the situation of his mind,' added our hero, 'I thought +it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and +therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the +field, in full assurance that he will there humble himself before +you, even to prostration. In this security you may go and prepare +your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will 'squire +you to the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence +may not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, that were +sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence +of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger; and his +pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty +armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle. + +On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door, +and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice of his +antagonist pronounce,--'Tell Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place +of appointment.' The painter was not a little surprised at this +anticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he had received +from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he fortified himself +with a large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome the +anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition +with his second, betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue +passed, in their way to the ramparts.--'Mr. Pipes,' said the painter, +with disordered accent, 'methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry +with that message of his.'--'Ey, ey,' answered Tom, 'I do suppose he +longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied the other,'d'ye think he +thirsts after my blood?' 'To be sure a does,' (said Pipes, thrusting +a large quid of tobacco into his cheek with great deliberation). +'If that be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake, 'he is no +better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to fight him on +equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, eyed him with a frown of +indignation, saying, 'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied +the challenger, stammering with fear, 'what should I be afraid of? the +worst he can do is to take my life, and then he'll be answerable both +to God and man for the murder: don't you think he will?'--'I think no +such matter,' answered the second: 'if so be as how he puts a brace of +bullets through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder +than if I was to bring down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By +this time Pallet's teeth shattered with such violence, that he could +scarce pronounce this reply.--'Mr. Thomas, you seem to make very light +of a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty I shall not be so easily +brought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his +life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of falling by the hand of +my adversary?' 'You may or you may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes, +'just as it happens. What then! death is a debt that every man owes, +according to the song; and if you set foot to foot, I think one of +you must go to pot.' 'Foot to foot!' exclaimed the terrified painter, +'that's downright butchery; and I'll be damned before I fight any man +on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage +beast?' This declaration he made while they ascended the ramparts. His +attendant, perceiving the physician and his second at the distance of +an hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their appearance, +and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man. Pallet in vain +endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered itself in an +universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in which he +answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,--'I do behave like a man; +but you would have me act the part of a brute.--Are they coming this +way?' When Tom told him that they had faced about, and admonished him +to advance, the nerves of his arm refused their office, he could not +hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, retreated with an +insensibility of motion; till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set +his own back to that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an +inch farther in that direction. + +While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the +terrors of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those +of Pallet, because he was more intent upon disguising them. His +declaration to Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start +any objections when he received the challenge; and finding that the +young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather +congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the painter's +billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general +reflexions, upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first introduced +among civilized nations by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He +likewise pretended to ridicule the use of fire-arms, which confounded +all the distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant of +the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess. + +Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the +same time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs +of this world (ridiculous as they were), on which a man's honour and +reputation depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that +artifice, the republican's agitation became more and more remarkable; +and he proposed, in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, +like the combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that +they should practise the manner of fighting, since they adopted the +disposition of those iron times. + +Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the +sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he +had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired the +armour of Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for their +accommodation; but as there was no possibility of furnishing them +cap--pee at Antwerp, he persuaded him to conform to the modern use +of the sword, and meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting +that his fear would supply him with other excuses for declining +the combat, he comforted him with some distant insinuations, to +the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which would, in all +probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen. + +Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the +reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful +look over his left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was +at his heels. When, by the advice of his second, he took possession of +the ground, and turned about with his face to the enemy, it was not so +dark, but that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his +countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; +nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when he regretted +his want of the _pila_ and _parma_, with which he would have made a +rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in springing forward, and singing +the hymn to battle, in the manner of the ancients. + +In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, far +from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his second, +he guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and collecting +all the manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting +by his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol together, +he advanced in a sort of a trot, raising a loud howl, in which he +repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of +Pindar's Pythia, beginning with _ek theon gar mekanai pasai Broteais +aretais_, &c. This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect +upon the painter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a +fury, with a pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing +the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish words he produced, was +seized with an universal palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down +upon the ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand +upon his defence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding +that he had not flinched from the spot, though he had now performed +one half of his career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his +pistol, the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted +painter, than he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with +great vociferation. + +[Illustration] + +The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to yield, +and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon which he threw +away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and even +threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and went up to his +master, stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence. + +The victor, having won the _spolia opima_, granted him his life, +on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon, +acknowledging him inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and +qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by +submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced +by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not +at all calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he +would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged, with great +humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for +this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited from +his father, and suspend his opinion of his talents, until he should +have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his Cleopatra, +which would be finished in less than three months. + +Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no +man could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions +of fear; and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but +there was something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, +in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest +pretension, that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, +though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly, +in hopes of seeing a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested +that there was no dissimulation in the case: for he was ignorant +of his own weakness, until his resolution was put to the trial: he +faithfully promised to demean himself, during the remaining part of +the tour, with that conscious modesty and penitence which became +a person in his condition: and, for the present, implored the +assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable +consequence of his fear. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VIII. + + THE QUACK DOCTOR. + + +The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare to Buxton Wells, to +the High-peak, and many parts of the North; and being inhabited by +many substantial people concerned in the mines, and having also three +or four of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of England, every +year; is a very populous town. + +There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, a very +extraordinary person, in a character, and with an equipage, somewhat +singular and paradoxical: this was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician +of the itinerant kind. The doctor came to town on horseback, yet +dressed in a plaid night gown and red velvet cap. He had a small +reading-desk fixed upon the pummel of his saddle, that supported a +large folio, in which, by the help of a monstrous pair of spectacles, +the doctor seemed to read, as the horse moved slowly on, with a +profound attention. A portmanteau behind him contained his cargo of +sovereign medicines, which, as brick-dust was probably the principal +ingredient, must have been no small burden to his lean steed. + +The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly along, in a +dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, than that of his master. + +The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his merry-andrew (mounted +on a horse-block before the principal inn), had just begun to +harangue the multitude, and the speech with which he introduced +himself each market-day was to this effect-- + +"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently been imposed upon, no +doubt, by quacks and ignorant pretenders to the noble art of physic; +who, in order to gain your attention, have boasted of their many +years' travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote regions +of the habitable globe. One has been physician to the Sophi of +Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the Empress of Russia; and displayed +his skill at Moscow, Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, +perhaps, has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, or corn-cutter +to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand Turk; or has administered a +clyster to the queen of Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord +knows who--as if the wandering about from place to place (supposing +it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. No, gentlemen, don't +be imposed upon by pompous words and magnificent pretensions. He that +goes abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb. + +"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor--But here I am--your +own countryman--your fellow subject--your neighbour, as I may say. +Why, gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born but at +Coventry, where my mother now lives--Mary Stubbs by name. + +"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which I would not +presume to practise the sublime art and mystery of physic. I am the +seventh son of a seventh son. Seven days was I before I sucked the +breast. Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven years +before I was heard to utter seven words; and twice seven years have +I studied, night and day, for the benefit of you, my friends and +countrymen: and now here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to +cure all manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that +out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without fee or +reward--except a trifling gratuity, the prime cost of my medicines; +or what you may choose voluntarily to contribute hereafter, out of +gratitude for the great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will +receive from the use of them. + +"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous,[1]Anti-febri-fuge Tincture; +that cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for +one poor shilling. + +"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm; +that will cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions, +excoriations, and dislocations; and all for sixpence. + +"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr. +Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world, +as an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will +keep seven years, and--be as good as it is now. Here's this large +bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence. + +"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack, +and ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.--Let Dr. Pestle +or Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town +of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me +in seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew--in +High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any +question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of +solid learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders. + +"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but +not one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by +their silence. + +"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum, +Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, +Catharticum.--Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst +health is so cheaply to be purchased." + +After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor told the company, +that as this was the last time of his appearing at Ashbourn (other +parts of the kingdom claiming a part in his patriotic labours), +he was determined to make a present to all those who had been his +patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon all those +who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's bottles, pill-boxes, +plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to make their appearance, and +partake of his generosity. + +This produced no small degree of expectation amongst those that had +been the doctor's customers, who gathered round him, with their hands +stretched out, and with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the +doctor, "stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised to give you a +shilling a-piece. I will immediately perform my promise. Here's my +Balsamum Stubbianum; which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the +bottle, you shall now have it for sixpence." + +"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where are you? Be quick! +Don't stand in your own light. You'll never have such another +opportunity--as long as you live." + +The people looked upon each other with an air of disappointment. +Some shook their heads, some grinned at the conceit, and others +uttered their execrations--some few, however, who had been unwilling +to throw away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to give +a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or nine shillings +more by this stratagem, which was more than the intrinsic value of +his horse-load of medicines. + +[Illustration] + +This egregious quack conceiving that he had now squeezed the last +farthing out of his audience, commenced his retreat from the crowd +with his usual solemnity of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; +when a sly countryman, who had stood near him for some time, and had +listened with a less than ordinary portion of credulity, nay, who +had, indeed, more than once lifted up his eyes in token of disbelief, +and curved his mouth into an arch of humourous contempt--raised a +pitchfork which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into the +posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to crawl underneath +the Doctor and his baggage.--This Rozinante no sooner felt the +insidious prick, than, bent on revenge, she raised her heels with +deadly intent; but in order to raise her heels, the old creature +found it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took that +opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not avoid, of toppling +over her shoulders. While the medical gentleman was performing his +somerset in the air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the +manifest delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed with +joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and filth--purely out of +the extacy of their gratification, another well disposed patient +taking advantage of the moment, presented a besom to the Merry +Andrew, and fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he was +capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots, and nostrums, which +now bestrewed the pavement.--After a few minutes floundering, the +faithful pair regained their legs, and gathering up the remnants of +their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient speed, amidst +the huzzas and laughter of the mob. + +[Illustration] + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English, +a tincture that will bring on a fever. + + + + + POINT IX. + + A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. + + _A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."_ + + +One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim and Brandt, +were reclined on their beds, beginning to drink freely, relating +their high feats, and, with becoming modesty, comparing themselves to +nothing less than an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden +struck with a sort of inspiration.--"We are very comfortable here," +said he to the Baron.--"Very well indeed," replied Ferdinand XV. with +a slight symptom of ebriety.--"No more guard at night."--"No longer +compelled to drink water."--"No more black bread, Colonel."--"No +more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them sometimes, eh?"--"Aye, +but with the loss of an eye."--"And my poor arm, you have not forgot +that?"--"No more than I have your leg."--"My leg, my leg, ah! that +was a sad affair."--"Your health, Colonel." "Your's, Brandt."--"I +foresee but one little accident, my Lord, that can disturb our +present felicity."--"What's that?"--"O nothing, a mere trifle.--I +was thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they please, +turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."--"Faith! I had +forgot those scoundrels;" answered the Baron, drinking a bumper; +"however, you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect the +rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive them in that +famous tower, where Witikind, with only thirty Saxons, stopped, for +three days, an army of one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne +in person. The place will inspire them with that veneration for my +person which its shattered state no longer enforces." "I will go, +Colonel."--"If they are reasonable--we will pay them."--"If they are +not--we must sabre them."--"That is well said, Brandt,--bravo!"--"Let +us drink, Colonel."--"With all my heart."-- + +The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled his horse, +gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the Israelites, imparted to +them the good intentions of his master, appointed a day the Colonel +would be ready to receive them, and then returned to the castle. + +The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post in the hour of +battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment of his mistress, or +of a courtier at the levee, is not to be compared with the precision +of a Jew, who has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on the +appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before the Baron had +slept himself sober. Brandt went to inform him of the arrival of his +creditors, assisted him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet +lined with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand XIII. and which +Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but to give his public audiences; tied +his sabre over the said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols +in his belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over that of +dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The Baron, thus accoutred, came +forth from his bed-chamber, leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked +majestically through two rows, formed by his creditors, and was +followed by them to the tower of Witikind. + +[Illustration] + +After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked sword and his +pistols, the Baron seated himself in an immense arm-chair, stroked +his whiskers, and spoke in the following terms:-- + +"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here to free myself from +your importunities."--The Jews made a profound reverence. "I have +served the descendant of Csar, who is no better than the descendant of +Witikind:--but, no matter, I have served him. I have been in want of +money, and have subscribed to your own terms; now I hold the purse, and +dictate in my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided you +sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews were shocked at this proposal, +and were about to expostulate, but Brandt, giving them a fierce look, +imposed silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The creditors shook +their heads, in token of discontent. Ferdinand XV. swore, by his +ancestors, that he would cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to +approach his castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, +by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat the Saxon Jews, as +the Arabian Jews had treated the Amalekites, if they did not agree to +a compromise; on saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads +of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. A Jew has no +fear for his head, when he trembles for his money. + +The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his teeth, and was a +little embarrassed, when Brandt, who loved gentle means as well as +any body, when he found nothing else would succeed, advised the +Colonel to leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself by +a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of the first who +should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites in the tower. + +Although they passed a great part of the day without food, they still +continued obstinate. At length their physical thirst equalled their +thirst for gold, and they endeavoured to move the iron bars, which +Ferdinand XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, who +was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who kept a sharp look-out, +opposed himself so warmly to their attempt that they were obliged +to abandon it. They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply +was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The Jews signified their +dissent by withdrawing from the window. + +When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, lighted a +fire at the foot of the tower, and he and the Jews spent the hours in +watching each other's motions. The next morning, the prisoners began +to feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded a parley. +"Will you have half?" was again the demand of the inflexible Brandt. +"We will take two thirds," said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear +it, and continued to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder. + +At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist the hunger +which tormented them, requested another conference; and, with seeming +reluctance, agreed to take the half of their debt. "You shall have +but one third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate +instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, almost +fainting, said, "Give us the half."--"You shall have but a quarter," +said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude for a quarter," replied the +Israelite: "there are Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews." + +Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a small ink-stand, +tied the whole at the end of a long pole, which he presented to the +prisoners, and ordered them to give a receipt for three parts of the +debt, which was executed instantly, and he received it back by the +same conveyance. He carried this valuable acquisition to the Baron, +from whom he received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to +the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly careful +in obtaining the title-deeds. He then conducted the Jews to the door, +with great civility, and they departed, wishing him most heartily at +the devil. + +By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner in which the +Baron had discharged his debts, Brandt placed upon the table a large +piece of smoked bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, +for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, even at +the risk of not finding their way to bed until the next morning. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT X. + + _A Scene from Shakspeare._ + + + _Enter Fluellen and Gower._ + +_Gow._ Nay, that's right: but why wear you your leek to day? St. +David's day is past. + +_Flu._ There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things; +I will tell you as a friend, Captain Gower; the rascally, scauld, +beggarly, lowsie, pragging knave Pistol, which you and yourself and +all the world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you now) of no +merits; he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look +you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could breed no +contentions with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it in my cap, +till I see him once again; and then I will tell him a little piece of +my desires. + + _Enter Pistol._ + +_Gow._ Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock. + +_Flu._ 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. God +plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, lowsie knave, God plesse +you. + + _Pist._ Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan, + To have me fold up Parca's fatal web? + Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek. + +[Illustration] + +_Flu._ I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, at my desires, +and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek: +because, look you, you do not love it; and your affections, and your +appetites, and your digestions, does not agree with it; I would +desire you to eat it. + +_Pist._ Not for Cadwallader and all his goats. + + _Flu._ There is one goat for you, [_Strikes him._ + Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it? + +_Pist._ Base Trojan, thou shalt die. + +_Flu._ You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is: I will +desire you to live in the mean time and eat your victuals; come, +there is sawce for it---- [_Strikes him_] You call'd me yesterday, +Mountain-Squire, but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I +pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek. + +_Gow._ Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him. + +_Flu._ I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will +peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, I pray you; it is good +for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb. + +_Pist._ Must I bite? + +_Flu._ Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and ambiguities. + +_Pist._ By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I eat and +swear---- + +_Flu._ Eat, I pray you; will you have some more sawce to your leek? +there is not enough leek to swear by. + +_Pist._ Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat. + +_Flu._ Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw +none away, the skin is good for your proken coxcomb: when you take +occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's all. + +_Pist._ Good. + +_Flu._ Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to heal your +pate. + +_Pist._ Me a groat! + +_Flu._ Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or I have +another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat. + +_Pist._ I take thy groat in earnest of revenge. + +_Flu._ If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; you shall +be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, +and keep you, and heal your pate. + + [_Exit._ + +_Pist._ All hell shall stir for this. + + +_Gow._ Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: will you mock at +an antient tradition, began upon an honourable respect, and worn as a +memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your +deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this +gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak +English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English +cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction +teach you a good English condition: fare you well. + + [_Exit._ + +[Illustration] + + + + + =Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.= + + PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO. + + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Collected by MM. GRIMM, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12 + Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a + curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'--New Monthly + Magazine. + + + A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Illustrated by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke + very favorably; and what with the German varieties in this + sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of + George Cruikshank, certain it is that volume the second deserves + almost equal praise.'--Literary Gazette. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR, + +Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, on Copper and +Wood. Parts 1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India + proofs 12s. 6d. each. + + + GREENWICH HOSPITAL, + +A Series of NAVAL SKETCHES, descriptive of the Life of a +Man-of-War's-Man, by an OLD SAILOR. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve +characteristic Illustrations on Copper by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, coloured +in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price One +Guinea, boards. + + 'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of + George Cruikshank, we have put this article at the head of our + department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace. + Yet it must not be fancied that we mean to derogate from the + literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour + and genuine nautical characteristics so often occupied that + portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten + and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far + greater number of them) now so cleverly brought together, + were originally printed in our columns, where they obtained + so much popularity, as to lead to their being republished in + this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry, + grotesque, and laughable designs.'--Literary Gazette. + + + MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET, + +A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by JOHN +WIGHT, of the Morning Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 10s. 6d. A few copies are printed +on India paper, price 15s. + + India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price + 10s. 6d. and 6s. + + + TALES OF IRISH LIFE, + +Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People, +collected during a residence of several years in various parts of +Ireland, with Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In 2 vols. price 12s. + + 'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in + these fictions; while, at the same time, they are characteristic + and amusing.'--Literary Gazette. + + 'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient + to render any tales immortal.'--British Press. + + 'A hue of nature pervades them--an air of reality invests + them;--life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents and upon + the characters.'--Dublin Morning Register. + + 'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'--Dublin and + London Magazine. + + 'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly + worthy of their attention.'--Critical Gazette. + + + HANS OF ICELAND, + + A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. Price + 7s. 6d. + + 'Some say this monster was a witch, + Some say he was a devil.'--Dragon of Wantley. + + 'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best + productions of its class which we have seen. There is a power + about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's + designs are capital.'--Literary Gazette. + + + THE HUMOURIST; + +A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty +Sayings, &c. Original and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured +Plates, Drawn and Engraved by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In Four Volumes, 5s. +each. + + + ECCENTRIC TALES, + +From the German of W. F. VON KOSEWITZ. Embellished with twenty coloured +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, from Sketches by ALFRED CROWQUILL. + Price 15s. + + + MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON, + +by GEO. CLINTON, ESQ. with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by +GEO. CRUIKSHANK. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + + +Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART II (OF II) *** + +***** This file should be named 44572-8.txt or 44572-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/5/7/44572/ + +Produced by Douglas L. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Points of Humour, Part II (of II) + +Author: Anonymous + +Illustrator: George Cruikshank + +Release Date: January 3, 2014 [EBook #44572] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART II (OF II) *** + + + + +Produced by Douglas L. Alley, III, Chris Curnow and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net +(This file was produced from images generously made +available by The Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + +<hr class="chap" /> + + + +<h2>POINTS</h2> + +<h6>OF</h6> + +<h1>HUMOUR.</h1> + +<h6>ILLUSTRATED BY</h6> + +<h4><span class="oldenglish">A Series of Plates,</span></h4> + +<h3>FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.</h3> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h4>TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS.</h4> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i6">"<i>Let me play the fool:</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come;</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>And let my liver rather heat with wine,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Than my heart cool with mortifying groans.</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Why should a man, whose blood is warm within,</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster?</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice</i><br /></span> +<span class="i0"><i>By being peevish?</i>"<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i33"><span class="smcap">Shakspeare.</span><br /></span> +</div></div> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h3>PART II.</h3> + +<h3><span class="smcap">Price</span> 8<i>s.</i></h3> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h3>LONDON:</h3> + +<h3>PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE,<br /> +PATERNOSTER ROW.</h3> +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="POINTS" id="POINTS">POINTS</a></h2> + +<h6>OF</h6> + +<h1>HUMOUR;</h1> + +<h4><span class="oldenglish">Illustrated</span></h4> + +<h6>BY THE</h6> + +<h3>DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.</h3> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h4>PART II.</h4> + +<h4>LONDON:</h4> + +<h4>PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET.</h4> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<h4>1824.</h4> +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span></p> + +<h6>LONDON:</h6> + +<h6>Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch-street.</h6> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p> + + + +<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE">PREFACE.</a></h2> + + +<p>The best preface to <i>this</i> set of the <span class="smcap">Points of Humour</span> +is the <i>former</i> set, which, we are credibly informed, +has favorably disposed the muscles of our readers for +repeating a certain cackling sound, which is heart-food +to our friend George Cruikshank.</p> + +<p>One individual, for certain, has laughed over these +<span class="smcap">Points</span>, and he is a very worthy gentleman, who may +be discerned wedging his way through sundry piles of +books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being +opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever +asked him after the sale of this little work, without observing +an instantaneous distension of that feature of +the face which is used for more purposes than merely +grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this second +set will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a +coarse saying goes, "he will not be made to sing to +another tune."</p> + +<p>The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or +whatever name the daily or weekly critics may give +him, for they have given him all these, will, undoubtedly, +be heartily sorry should this change take place, +for he avows that since the publication of the <span class="smcap">Points</span>, +the face of the worthy gentleman alluded to has been +illuminated by one unclouded sunshine, so much so, indeed,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span> +that to enter his shop has been a constant resource +against melancholy during this gloomy weather. A +face lighted up with good humour in a dark shop, is +like a blaze of light in the middle of one of Rembrandt's +murky pictures.</p> + +<p>It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or +rather <i>followed</i> a hint of one of the critics upon this +little book. He has resorted for part of his materials, +to the author, who is the richest of all in the humour of +<i>situation</i>. Fielding has been suggested; but though +some things, excellent in their kind, might be found +in him, yet it will be observed, on a more accurate consideration, +that this admirable author is infinitely less +adapted to the pencil of Cruikshank, than his successor +in the walk of humour. Fielding is a master in the +power of laying open all the springs which regulate the +motion of that curious piece of mechanism, the human +heart. He wrote with the inspiration of genius, and is +true to nature in her minutest circumstances. He involuntarily +and unconsciously catches the look, the +word, the gesture, which would undoubtedly have manifested +itself, and which is in itself a strong gleam of +light upon the whole character. His <i>dramatis person</i> +are not, generally, very extraordinary people.—He dealt +in that which is <i>common</i> to all. While, on the contrary, +Smollett is rich in that which is uncommon and eccentric. +His field is among oddities, hobby-horses, foibles, +and singularities of all kinds, which he groups in the +most extraordinary manner, and colours for the most +striking effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied smile, +but it is over the page of Smollett that the loud laugh +is heard to break forth.—How much at home our artist<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span> +is in the conception of Smollett may be seen in the +following plates.</p> + +<p>It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank +should waste his talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and +not hand down his name by illustrating the works of +our great Novelists. As well might it have been said +to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting +upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." +Genius consecrates and immortalizes all it touches.—If +the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral, the plates will +stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint +his <i>Rake's Progress</i> in illustration of any immortal +work, nor does it require a set of octavo volumes to remind +posterity of his existence.</p> + +<p>A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, +would chuse rather to exalt the humble, than +endow the rich.</p> + +<p>We have an observation to make respecting one of +the plates, the last in the order. It will be seen that +the costume of the characters there pourtrayed, is essentially +different from that adopted by every illustrator +of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. +The proper authorities have been in this, as in other +cases, diligently consulted, and it has appeared that +these artists, in their endeavour to discover the dress of +our ancestors, have stopped short at the reign of +Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V.</p> + +<p><i>March</i>, 1824.</p> + + +<hr /> + +<h2><a name="NOTICE" id="NOTICE">NOTICE.</a></h2> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>As there are Works continually advertised "<i>with Plates by Cruikshank</i>," +the Public are particularly requested to observe, that <i>George</i> Cruikshank +has no connexion with any Publications to which his Christian Name is +not affixed; and that all Works, for which he has made Designs, are advertised +with his name in full. He has made Designs for the following +Works:—</p> + + +<p class="center">ITALIAN TALES.</p> + +<p class="center">Just published, price 10s. in one volume beautifully printed, with sixteen Original Designs by +George Cruikshank,</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="oldenglish">Italian Tales</span></p> + +<p class="center">OF HUMOUR, GALLANTRY, AND ROMANCE.</p> + +<p class="center">Selected and translated from a variety of Authors.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"This volume of light entertainment possesses considerable merit, and its embellishments +are of the best kind. The ability of Mr. George Cruikshank is so +well known, that to say he does not in the present volume fall short of his former +excellence, is sufficient praise. Many of his designs are exceedingly graceful +and are executed with singular delicacy."—<i>New Monthly Magazine.</i></p> + +<p>"Cruikshank has illustrated these Italian Tales with a grace which (without +imitation) approaches the beauty of Stothard's compositions."—<i>Westminster +Review, No. I.</i></p></blockquote> + + +<p class="center">Second Edition, in 12mo. (250 pages) price 7s. with 12 plates, designed and engraved by +George Cruikshank,</p> + +<p class="center">GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Translated from the Kinder und Haus-Mrchen of</i></p> + +<p class="center">M. M. GRIMM.</p> + +<p class="center">With a <span class="smcap">Preface</span> and <span class="smcap">Notes</span> by the Translators.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>"This book ought to be in possession of the man as a curiosity, and of the +child as an amusement."—<i>New Monthly Magazine.</i></p> + +<p>"The little book published last winter, '<i>German Nursery Tales</i>, with etchings +by Cruikshank,' was executed in a style very superior to the '<i>Tales of the Northern +Nations</i>.' The Translator, whoever he be, displayed a great deal of tact +in transferring these Stories with so much of their native navet."</p> + +<p class="signature"> +<i>Blackwood's Magazine, October</i> 1.<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p class="center">Vol. II. is preparing for Publication.</p> + + +<p class="center">POINTS OF HUMOUR.—No. I.</p> + +<p>⁂ An <i>imitation</i> of the last Work having appeared, <i>George</i> Cruikshank +takes leave to say, that he did not make a single Drawing for it.</p> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_I" id="POINT_I">POINT I.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE THREE HUNCHBACKS.</h3> + + +<p>At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle +on the bank of a river near a bridge. The master of +this castle was hunchbacked. Nature had exhausted +her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical figure. +In place of understanding, she had given him an immense +head, which nevertheless was lost between his +two shoulders: he had thick hair, a short neck, and a +horrible visage.</p> + +<p>Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself +of falling in love with a beautiful young woman, +the daughter of a poor but respectable burgess of +Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he was +the richest person in the district, the poor girl was +delivered up to him. After the nuptials he was as +much an object of pity as she, for, being devoured +by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night nor day, but +went prying and rambling every where, and suffered +no stranger to enter the castle.</p> + +<p>One day during the Christmas festival, while standing +sentinel at his gate, he was accosted by three +humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him as a brother, +as such asked him for refreshments, and at the +same time, to establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously +shouldered their humps at him. Contrary to +expectation, he conducted them to his kitchen, gave +them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money +over and above. Before their departure, however, he +warned them never to return on pain of being thrown<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> +into the river. At this threat of the Chatelain the +minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to the +town, singing in full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque +manner, in derision of their brother-hump of +the castle. He, on his part, without paying farther +attention, went to walk in the fields.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_011" id="i_011"></a> + <img src="images/i_011.jpg" alt="Three Hunchbacks" title="Three Hunchbacks" /> +</div> + +<p>The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, +and had heard the minstrels, called them back to +amuse her. They had not been long returned to the +castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by +which she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. +Fortunately, the lady perceived in a neighbouring +room three empty coffers. Into each of these she +stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened +the gate to her husband. He had only come back +to espy the conduct of his wife as usual, and, after a +short stay, went out anew, at which you may believe +his wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to +the coffers to release her prisoners, for night was approaching +and her husband would not probably be +long absent. But what was her dismay, when she +found them all three suffocated! Lamentation, however, +was useless. The main object now was to get +rid of the dead bodies, and she had not a moment +to lose. She ran then to the gate, and seeing a peasant<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> +go by, she offered him a reward of thirty livres, +and leading him into the castle, she took him to one +of the coffers, and shewing him its contents, told him +he must throw the dead body into the river: he asked +for a sack, put the carcase into it, pitched it over the +bridge, and then returned quite out of breath to claim +the promised reward.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_012" id="i_012"></a> + <img src="images/i_012.jpg" alt="Lady hiding three Hunchbacks" title="Lady hiding three Hunchbacks" /> +</div> + +<p>"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, +"but you ought first to fulfil the condition of the +bargain—you have agreed to rid me of the dead body, +have you not? There, however, it is still." Saying +this, she showed him the other coffer in which the +second humpbacked minstrel had expired. At this +sight the clown was perfectly confounded—"how the +devil! come back! a sorcerer!"—he then stuffed the +body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over +the bridge, taking care to put the head down and to +observe that it sank.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position +of the coffers, so that the third was now in the place +which had been successively occupied by the two +others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him +the remaining dead body—"you are right, friend," +said she, "he must be a magician, for there he is +again." The rustic gnashed his teeth with rage. +"What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry +about this humpback?" He then lifted him up, +with dreadful imprecations, and having tied a stone +round the neck, threw him into the middle of the +current, threatening, if he came out a third time, to +despatch him with a cudgel.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_015a" id="i_015a"></a> + <img src="images/i_015a.jpg" alt="Man carrying Hunchback" title="Man carrying Hunchback" /> +</div> + +<p>The first object that presented itself to the clown, +on his way back for his reward, was the hunchbacked +master of the castle returning from his evening walk,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> +and making towards the gate. At this sight the +peasant could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of +a humpback, are you there again?" So saying, he +sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his shoulders, +and hurled him headlong into the river after the +minstrels.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_015b" id="i_015b"></a> + <img src="images/i_015b.jpg" alt="People watching a puppet show" title="People watching a puppet show" /> +</div> + +<p>"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this +last time," said the peasant, entering the room where +the lady was seated. She answered, she had not. +"You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer +was already at the gate, but I have taken care of +him—be at your ease—he will not come back now."</p> + +<p>The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, +and recompensed the peasant with much satisfaction.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_017" id="i_017"></a> + <img src="images/i_017.jpg" alt="Fat cook denouncing a soldier in front of a lord" title="Fat cook denouncing a soldier in front of a lord" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_II" id="POINT_II">POINT II.</a></h2> + +<h3>A RELISH BEFORE DINNER.</h3> + + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_019" id="i_019"></a> + <img src="images/i_019.jpg" alt="Hand trying to stick a fork into a horseman" title="Hand trying to stick a fork into a horseman" /> +</div> + +<p>When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging +Prague, a boor, of a most extraordinary +visage, desired admittance to his tent; and being +allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, +to devour a large hog in his presence. The old general +Konigsmark, who stood by the king's side, notwithstanding +his bravery, had not got rid of the prejudices +of his childhood, and hinted to his royal master, +that the peasant ought to be burnt as a sorcerer. +"Sir," said the fellow, irritated at the remark, "if +your majesty will but make that old gentleman take +off his sword and spurs, I will eat him before I begin +the pig." General Konigsmark, who had, at the +head of a body of Swedes, performed wonders against +the Austrians, could not stand this proposal, especially +as it was accompanied by a most hideous expansion +of the jaws and mouth. Without uttering +a word, the veteran turned pale and suddenly ran out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> +of the tent, and did not think himself safe till he +arrived at his quarters, where he remained above +twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he got rid +of the panic which had so strongly seized him.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_021" id="i_021"></a> + <img src="images/i_021.jpg" alt="Man surrounded by gluttonous spirits" title="Man surrounded by gluttonous spirits" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_III" id="POINT_III">POINT III.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS.</h3> + + +<p>A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought +every where for a skilful physician in whom he could +place confidence, and to whose care he might confide +a life so dear to him. In the course of his search he +met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might +be rendered visible. The young man exchanged, for +this talisman, half his possessions, and having secured +his treasure, ran with it to the house of a famous +physician. Flocking round the door he beheld a +crowd of shades, the ghosts of those persons whom +this physician had killed. Some old, some young; +some the skeletons of fat old men; some gigantic +frames of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants +and squalling women; all joined in menaces and +threats against the house of the physician—the den +of their destroyer—who however peacefully marched +through them with his cane to his chin, and a grave +and solemn air. The same vision presented itself, +more or less, at the house of every physician of eminence. +One at length was pointed out to him in a +distant quarter of the city, at whose door he only perceived +two little ghosts. "Behold," exclaimed he, +with a joyful cry, "the good physician of whom I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +have been so long in search!" The doctor, astonished, +asked him how he had been able to discover this? +"Pardon me," said the afflicted lover complacently, +"your ability and your reputation are well known to +me." "My reputation!" said the physician, "why I +have been in Paris but eight days, and in that time +I have had but <span class="smcap">two</span> patients." "Good God!" involuntarily +exclaimed the young man, "and there +they are!"</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_023" id="i_023"></a> + <img src="images/i_023.jpg" alt="Man pointing to spirits above a doorway" title="Man pointing to spirits above a doorway" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_IV" id="POINT_IV">POINT IV.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS.</h3> + + +<p>There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was +blind, and his evil destiny reduced him to beg from +door to door. He had been so long accustomed to +walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none +to lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's +doors, and not answer till they opened to him. One +day he knocked thus, and the master of the house, +who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac made +no answer, and knocked a second time: the master of +the house asked again and again, "who is there?" but +to no purpose, no one answered; upon which he came +down, opened the door, and asked the man what he +wanted? "Give me something, for Heaven's sake," said +Backbac; "you seem to be blind," replied the master +of the house; "yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac. +"Give me your hand," resumed the master of the house; +he did so, thinking he was going to give him alms; but +he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his +chamber. Backbac thought he had been carrying him +to dine with him, as many people had done. When they +reached the chamber, the man let go his hand, and sitting +down, asked him again what he wanted? "I have +already told you," said Backbac, "that I want something<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> +for God's sake." "Good blind man," replied the +master of the house, "all that I can do for you is to +wish that God may restore your sight." "You might +have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and +not have given me the trouble to come up stairs." "And +why, fool," said the man of the house, "do not you answer +at first, when people ask you who is there? why +do you give any body the trouble to come and open the +door when they speak to you?"—"What will you do +with me then?" asked Backbac; "I tell you again," +said the man of the house, "I have nothing to give +you." "Help me down the stairs then, as you brought +me up."—"The stairs are before you," said the man of +the house, "and you may go down by yourself if you +will." The blind man attempted to descend, but missing +a step, about the middle of the stairs, fell to the +bottom and hurt his head and his back: he got up +again with much difficulty, and went out, cursing the +master of the house, who laughed at his fall.</p> + +<p>As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, +his companions, were going by, knew him by his voice, +and asked him what was the matter? He told them +what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have +eaten nothing to day; I conjure you to go along with +me to my house, that I may take some of this money +that we four have in common, to buy me something for +supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home +with him.</p> + +<p>You must know that the master of the house where +Backbac was so ill used, was a robber, and of a cunning +and malicious disposition; he overheard from his window +what Backbac had said to his companions, and +came down and followed them to Backbac's house. +The blind men being seated, Backbac said to them,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> +"brothers, we must shut the door, and take care there +be no stranger with us." At this the robber was much +perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a +beam, he caught hold of it, and hung by it while the +blind men shut the door, and felt about the room with +their sticks. When they had done, and had sat down +again in their places, the robber left his rope, and seated +himself softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself +alone with his blind comrades, said to them, "brothers, +since you have trusted me with the money, which we +have been a long time gathering, I will shew you that +I am not unworthy of the confidence you repose in me. +The last time we reckoned, you know that we had ten +thousand dirhems, and that we put them into ten bags: +I will shew you that I have not touched one of them;" +having so said, he put his hand among some old clothes, +and taking out the bags one after another, gave them +to his comrades, saying, "there they are: you may +judge by their weight that they are whole, or you may +tell them if you please." His comrades answered, "there +was no need, they did not mistrust him;" so he opened +one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems, and each of +the other blind men did the like.</p> + +<p>Backbac put the bags into their place again; after +which, one of the blind men said to him, "there is +no need to lay out any thing for supper, for I have +collected as much victuals from good people as will +serve us all:" at the same time he took out of his bag +bread and cheese, and some fruit, and putting all upon +the table, they began to eat. The robber, who sat at +Backbac's right hand, picked out the best, and eat +with them; but, whatever care he took to make no +noise, Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out +immediately, "We are undone, there is a stranger<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> +among us!" Having so said, he stretched out his +hand, and caught hold of the robber by the arm, +cried out "<i>thieves!</i>" fell upon him, and struck him. +The other blind men fell upon him in like manner; +the robber defended himself as well as he could, and +being young and vigorous, besides having the advantage +of his eyes, he swung by the hanging rope, and +gave furious kicks, sometimes to one, sometimes to +another, and cried out "<i>thieves!</i>" louder than they did. +The neighbours came running at the noise, broke open +the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants; +but having at last succeeded, they asked the +cause of their quarrel. Backbac, who still had hold +of the robber, cried out, "gentlemen, this man I have +hold of is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose to +rob us of the little money we have." The thief, who +shut his eyes as soon as the neighbours came, feigned +himself blind, and exclaimed, "gentlemen, he is a liar. +I swear to you by heavens, and by the life of the +caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to +give me my just share. They have all four fallen upon +me, and I demand justice." The neighbours would not +interfere in their quarrel, but carried them all before +the judge. When they came before the magistrate, +the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out, +still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed +to administer justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, +I declare to you that we are equally criminal, my four +comrades and I; but we have all engaged, upon oath, +to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that +if you would know our crime, you need only order us +to be bastinadoed, and begin with me." Backbac +would have spoken, but was not allowed to do so, +and the robber was put under the bastinado.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_028" id="i_028"></a> + <img src="images/i_028.jpg" alt="Brawl in a household" title="Brawl in a household" /> +</div> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<p>The robber, being under the bastinado, had the +courage to bear twenty or thirty blows: when, pretending +to be overcome with pain, he first opened one +eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, +begged the judge would put a stop to the blows. +The judge, perceiving that he looked upon him with +his eyes open, was much surprised, and said to him, +"rogue, what is the meaning of this miracle?" "Sir," +replied the robber, "I will discover to you an important +secret, if you will pardon me, and give me, as a +pledge that you will keep your word, the seal-ring +which you have on your finger." The judge consented, +gave him his ring, and promised him pardon. +"Under this promise," continued the robber, "I must +confess to you, sir, that I and my four comrades do +all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, +that we might freely enter people's houses, and women's +apartments, where we abuse their weakness. +I must farther confess to you, that by this trick we +have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I +demanded of my partners two thousand that belonged +to my share, but they refused, because I told them +I would leave them, and they were afraid I should accuse +them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, +they fell upon me; for which I appeal to those people +who brought us before you. I expect from your justice, +sir, that you will make them deliver me the two +thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have +a mind that my comrades should confess the truth, +you must order them three times as many blows as I +have had, and you will find they will open their eyes +as well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three +blind men, would have cleared themselves of this horrid +charge, but the judge would not hear them; "villains,"<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then, +and, under that pretext of moving their compassion, +cheat people, and commit such crimes?" "He is an +impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take God to witness +that none of us can see." All that Backbac could +say was in vain, his comrades and he received each +of them two hundred blows. The judge expected +them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their obstinacy +what really they could not do; all the while +the robber said to the blind men, "<i>Poor fools that you +are, open your eyes, and do not suffer yourselves to be +beaten to death.</i>" Then addressing himself to the judge, +said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously +obstinate to the last, and will never open their eyes. +They wish certainly to avoid the shame of reading +their own condemnation in the face of every one that +looks upon them; it were better, if you think fit, to +pardon them, and to send some person along with me +for the ten thousand dirhems they have hidden."</p> + +<p>The judge consented to give the robber two thousand +dirhems, and kept the rest himself; and as for +Backbac and his three companions, he thought he +shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_031" id="i_031"></a> + <img src="images/i_031.jpg" alt="Children playing around a tree" title="Children playing around a tree" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_V" id="POINT_V">POINT V.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE CONSULTATION.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."</i></p> + + +<p>Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, +was an old officer, whose temper, naturally impatient, +was, by repeated attacks of the gout, which had almost +deprived him of the use of his limbs, sublimated +into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: +he imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to +the mal-practice of a surgeon who had administered to +him, while he laboured under the consequences of an +unfortunate amour; and this supposition had inspired +him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors +of the medical art, which was more and more +confirmed by the information of a friend at London, +who had told him, that it was a common practice +among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their patients +from drinking the water, that the cure, and in +consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted.</p> + +<p>Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable +to a few general instructions he had received, +used the waters without any farther direction, taking +all occasions of manifesting his hatred and contempt +of the sons of sculapius, both by speech and gesticulations,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> +and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary +to that which he knew they prescribed to others +who seemed to be exactly in his condition. But he +did not find his account in this method, how successful +soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, +instead of vanishing, were every day more +and more enraged; and at length he was confined +to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to +night, and from night to morn, though still more determined +than ever to adhere to his former maxims.</p> + +<p>In the midst of his torture, which was become the +common joke of the town, being circulated through +the industry of the physicians, who triumphed in his +disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed +a country fellow, who had come to market, to run +with great haste, early one morning, to the lodgings +of all the doctors in town, and desire them to attend +the colonel with all imaginable despatch. In consequence +of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves +in motion; and three of the foremost arriving +at the same instant of time, far from complimenting +one another with the door, each separately essayed to +enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage; +while they remained thus wedged together, they descried +two of their brethren posting towards the same +goal, with all the speed that God had enabled them to +exert; upon which they came to a parley, and agreed +to stand by one another. This covenant being made, +they disentangled themselves, and, inquiring about the +patient, were told by the servant that he had just fallen +asleep.</p> + +<p>Having received this intelligence, they took possession +of his antichamber, and shut the door, while the +rest of the tribe posted themselves on the outside as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +they arrived; so that the whole passage was filled, +from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and +the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, +struck dumb with astonishment. The three +leaders of this learned gang had no sooner made their +lodgement good, than they began to consult about +the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended +to have considered with great care and assiduity. +The first who gave his opinion said, the distemper +was an obstinate arthritis; the second affirmed, +that it was no other than a confirmed lues; and the +third swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity +of opinions was supported by a variety of quotations +from medical authors, ancient as well as modern; +but these were not of sufficient authority, or at least +not explicit enough, to decide the dispute; for there +are many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, +and each set can quote the fathers in support of the +tenets they profess. In short, the contention rose to +such a pitch of clamour, as not only alarmed the +brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient +from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten +whole days. Had it been simply waking, he would +have been obliged to them for the noise that disturbed +him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved +from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, +he fancied himself exposed: but this dreadful vision +had been the result of that impression which was +made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish of his +joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of +being allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great +acuteness of sensation; and the confused vociferation +in the next room invading his ears at the same time, +he began to think his dream was realized, and, in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> +pangs of despair, applied himself to a bell that stood +by his bedside, which he rung with great violence and +perseverance.</p> + +<p>This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation +of the three doctors, who, upon this notice of his +being awake, rushed into his chamber without ceremony; +and two of them seizing his arms, the third +made the like application to one of his temples. Before +the patient could recollect himself from the amazement +which had laid hold on him at this unexpected +irruption, the room was filled by the rest of the faculty, +who followed the servant that entered in obedience to +his master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded +by these gaunt ministers of death. The colonel +seeing himself beset with such an assemblage of +solemn visages and figures, which he had always considered +with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, +was incensed to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; +and so inspirited by his rage, that, though +his tongue denied its office, his other limbs performed +their functions: he disengaged himself from the triumvirate, +who had taken possession of his body, +sprung out of bed with incredible agility, and, seizing +one of his crutches, applied it so effectually to one of +the three, just as he stooped to examine the patient's +water, that his tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while +he himself fell motionless on the floor.</p> + +<p>This significant explanation disconcerted the whole +fraternity; every man turned his face, as if it were by +instinct, towards the door; and the retreat of the +community being obstructed by the efforts of individuals, +confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for +the colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first +exploit, handled his weapon with astonishing vigour<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> +and dexterity, without respect of persons; so that +few or none of them had escaped without marks of +his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk +down again quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured +by this respite, the discomfited faculty collected their +hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray; and +perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew +the attack, set up their throats altogether, and loudly +threatened to prosecute him severely for such an outrageous +assault.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_036" id="i_036"></a> + <img src="images/i_036.jpg" alt="Fight in a bed chamber" title="Fight in a bed chamber" /> +</div> + +<p>By this time the landlord had interposed; and +inquiring into the cause of the disturbance, was informed +of what had happened by the complainants, +who, at the same time, giving him to understand that +they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel +that morning, he assured them, that they had +been imposed upon by some wag, for his lodger had +never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.</p> + +<p>Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour +instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, +at once comprehending the nature of the joke, they +sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained, +in unutterable shame and mortification, while Peregrine +and his friend, who took care to be passing that way +by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary +efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and +condition of every one as he appeared; nay, even made +up to some of those who seemed most affected with +their situation, and mischievously tormented them with +questions touching this unusual congregation; then, +in consequence of the information they received from +the landlord and the colonel's valet, subjected the +sufferers to the ridicule of all the company in town.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> +As it would have been impossible for the authors of the +farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable +inquiries of the physicians, they made no secret +of their having directed the whole; though they took +care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as afforded +no handle of prosecution.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_039" id="i_039"></a> + <img src="images/i_039.jpg" alt="Man beset by figurative maladies" title="Man beset by figurative maladies" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_VI" id="POINT_VI">POINT VI.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE DINNER.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."</i></p> + + +<p>Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired +the full confidence of the doctor, who invited him to +an entertainment, which he intended to prepare in the +manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this +idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured +with many encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy +of his genius and apprehension; and the day was appointed +at some distance of time, that the treater +might have leisure to compose certain pickles and confections, +which were not to be found among the culinary +preparations of these degenerate days.</p> + +<p>With a view of rendering the physician's taste more +conspicuous, and extracting from it more diversion, +Peregrine proposed that some foreigners should partake +of the banquet; and the task being left to his care and +discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a +French marquis, an Italian count, and a German +baron, whom he knew to be most egregious coxcombs, +and therefore more likely to enhance the joy of the +entertainment.</p> + +<p>Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted +them to the hotel where the physician lodged, after<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> +having regaled their expectations with an elegant meal +in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were received +by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, +while his friend superintended the cook below. By this +communicative painter, the guests understood that the +doctor had met with numerous difficulties in the execution +of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had +been dismissed, because they could not prevail upon +their own consciences to obey his directions in things +that were contrary to the present practice of their art; +and that although he had at last engaged a person, by +an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, +the fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed, +at the commands he had received, that his hair stood +on end, and he begged on his knees to be released from +the agreement he had made; but finding that his employer +insisted upon the performance of his contract, +and threatened to introduce him to the commissaire, if +he should flinch from the bargain, he had, in the discharge +of his office, wept, sung, cursed, and capered, +for two hours without intermission.</p> + +<p>While the company listened to this odd information, +by which they were prepossessed with strange notions +of the dinner, their ears were invaded by a piteous +voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the love of God! +dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the +mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still +vibrated with the sound, when the doctor entering, was +by Peregrine made acquainted with the strangers, to +whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could not help +complaining of the want of complaisance he had found +in the Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been almost +entirely ruined and set aside. The French marquis, +who thought the honour of his nation was concerned<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> +at this declaration, professed his sorrow for +what had happened, so contrary to the established +character of the people, and undertook to see the +delinquents severely punished, provided he could be +informed of their names or places of abode. The mutual +compliments that passed on this occasion were +scarce finished, when a servant coming into the room, +announced dinner; and the entertainer led the way into +another apartment, where they found a long table, or +rather two boards joined together, and furnished with a +variety of dishes, the steams of which had such evident +effect upon the nerves of the company, that the marquis +made frightful grimaces, under pretence of taking +snuff; the Italian's eyes watered, the German's visage +underwent several distortions of feature; our hero +found means to exclude the odour from his sense of +smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; and +the poor painter, running into another room, plugged +his nostrils with tobacco. The doctor himself, who +was the only person then present whose organs were +not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches +placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he +was sorry he could not procure the exact triclinia of the +ancients, which were somewhat different from these +conveniences, and desired they would have the goodness +to repose themselves without ceremony, each in his +respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet +would place themselves upright at the ends, that they +might have the pleasure of serving those that lay along. +This disposition, of which the strangers had no previous +idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most +ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing +to each other, on pretence of disputing the lower +seat, but, in reality, with a view of profiting by the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> +example of each other: for neither of them understood +the manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, +who enjoyed their confusion, handed the count to the +other side, where, with the most mischievous politeness, +he insisted upon his taking possession of the +upper place.</p> + +<p>In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they +continued acting a pantomime of gesticulations, until the +doctor earnestly entreated them to wave all compliment +and form, lest the dinner should be spoiled before the +ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, Peregrine +took the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying +himself gently down, with his face towards the table. +The marquis, in imitation of this pattern, (though he +would have much rather fasted three days than run the +risk of discomposing his dress by such an attitude,) +stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining +upon his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, +with his head raised above the end of the couch, +that the economy of his hair might not suffer by the +projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin limber +creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without +sustaining any misfortune, but that of his stocking +being torn by a ragged nail of the seat, as he raised his +legs on a level with the rest of his limbs. But the +baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple in his joints +as his companions, flounced himself down with such +precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in +furious contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished +every curl in a twinkling, while his own skull, +at the same instant, descended upon the side of his +couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck +off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio.</p> + +<p>The drollery of distress that attended this disaster<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +entirely vanquished the affected gravity of our young +gentleman, who was obliged to suppress his laughter +by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth; for the +bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous +confusion, and the marquis admitted his apology with +such rueful complaisance, as were sufficient to awaken +the mirth of a quietist.</p> + +<p>This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances +of the occasion would permit, and every +one settled according to the arrangement already described, +the doctor graciously undertook to give some +account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company +might be directed in their choice; and, with an +air of infinite satisfaction, thus began:—"This here, +gentlemen, is a boiled goose, served up in a sauce composed +of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, rue, anchovies, +and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one +of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the +ancients for the magnitude of their livers, one of which +is said to have weighed upwards of two pounds; with +this food, exquisite as it was, did the tyrant Heliogabalus +regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had +almost forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an +article at all tables in France. At each end there are +dishes of the salacacabia of the Romans; one is made +of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, honey, +vinegar, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; +the other is much the same as the soup-maigre of this +country. Then there is a loin of boiled veal with fennel +and carraway seed, on a pottage composed of +pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious hashis of +the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a +dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall I +help you to a plate of this soup?" The German, who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> +did not at all disapprove of the ingredients, assented to +the proposal, and seemed to relish the composition; +while the marquis, being asked by the painter which of +the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his +desire, accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; +and the count, in lieu of spoon meat, of which +he said he was no great admirer, supplied himself with +a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of our +young gentleman, whose example he determined to +follow through the whole course of the entertainment.</p> + +<p>The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, +made a full pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had +stuck in his gullet, his eyes rolled, and his mouth +underwent a series of involuntary contractions and +dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this connoisseur, +with a view of consulting his taste, before he +himself would venture upon the soup, began to be +disturbed at these emotions, and observed, with some +concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to be going +into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that these were +symptoms of ecstacy, and, for further confirmation, +asked the marquis how he found the soup. It was +with infinite difficulty that his complaisance could so +far master his disgust, as to enable him to answer, "altogether +excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter, +being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to +his mouth without scruple; but far from justifying the +eulogium of his taster, when this precious composition +diffused itself upon his palate, he seemed to be deprived +of all sense and motion, and sat like the leaden statue +of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both +sides of his mouth.</p> + +<p>The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, +earnestly inquired into the cause of it; and when Pallet<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> +recovered his recollection, and swore that he would +rather swallow porridge made of burning brimstone +than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, +the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, +that, except the usual ingredients, he had mixed +nothing in the soup but some sal ammoniac, instead of +the ancient nitrum, which could not now be procured; +and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum +was not an improvement on the whole. The +unfortunate petit matre, driven to the extremity of his +condescension, acknowledged it to be a masterly refinement; +and deeming himself obliged, in point of +honour, to evince his sentiments by his practice, forced +a few more mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down +his throat, till his stomach was so much offended, that +he was compelled to start up of a sudden; and, in the +hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate into the +bosom of the baron. The emergency of his occasions +would not permit him to stay and make apologies for +this abrupt behaviour; so that he flew into another +apartment, where Pickle found him puking, and crossing +himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his +desire, being brought to the door, he slipped into it +more dead than alive, conjuring his friend Pickle to +make his peace with the company, and in particular excuse +him to the baron, on account of the violent fit of +illness with which he had been seized. It was not +without reason that he employed a mediator; for when +our hero returned to the dining-room, the German had +got up, and was under the hands of his own lacquey, +who wiped the grease from a rich embroidered waistcoat, +while he, almost frantic with his misfortune, stamped +upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky +banquet, and the impertinent entertainer, who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> +all this time, with great deliberation, consoled him for +the disaster, by assuring him, that the damage might be +repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot iron. +Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in +his face, appeased his indignation, by telling him how +much the whole company, and especially the marquis, +was mortified at the accident; and the unhappy salacacabia +being removed, the places were filled with two pyes, +one of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, +which the doctor had substituted in the room +of roasted poppy-seed, formerly eaten with honey, as a +dessert; and the other composed of a hock of pork +baked in honey.</p> + +<p>Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, +lifted up his hands and eyes, and, with signs of loathing +and amazement, pronounced, "A pye made of dormice +and syrup of poppies! Lord in heaven! what +beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend +checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a severe +look, and recommended the veal, of which he +himself cheerfully ate, with such encomiums to the +company, that the baron resolved to imitate his example, +after having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which +the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the +true wine of Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing +else upon the table which he would venture to touch, +made a merit of necessity, and had recourse to the +veal also; although he could not help saying, that he +would not give one slice of the roast beef of Old +England for all the dainties of a Roman emperor's +table. But all the doctor's invitations and assurances +could not prevail upon his guests to honour the hashis +and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, +in which he told them there were divers of those<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> +dishes, which, among the ancients, had obtained the +appellation of <i>politeles</i>, or magnificent. "That which +smokes in the middle", said he, "is a sow's stomach, +filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, +eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, +wine, and pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats +and belly of a sow, just farrowed, fried with sweet +wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. On the left is a +fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with milk. +At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of pompions, +lovage, origanum, and oil; and here are a couple +of pullets, roasted and stuffed in the manner of +Apicius."</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_049" id="i_049"></a> + <img src="images/i_049.jpg" alt="Man dragging a tablecloth from a fully laid table" title="Man dragging a tablecloth from a fully laid table" /> +</div> + +<p>The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence +of the sow's stomach, which he compared to +a bagpipe, and the snails which had undergone purgation, +no sooner heard him mention the roasted pullets, +than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon +which the doctor desired he would take the trouble of +cutting them up, and accordingly sent them round, +while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth under his chin, +and brandished his knife and fork with singular address; +but scarce were they set down before him, when +the tears ran down his cheeks, and he called aloud, in +manifest disorder,—"Zounds! this is the essence of a +whole bed of garlic!" That he might not, however, +disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied his +instruments to one of the birds; and, when he opened +up the cavity, was assaulted by such an irruption of +intolerable smells, that, without staying to disengage +himself from the cloth, he sprung away, with an exclamation +of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole +table in havoc, ruin, and confusion.</p> + +<p>Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> +sauced with a syrup of the dormice pye, which went +to pieces in the general wreck: and as for the Italian +count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's stomach, +which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents +upon his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, +that he shrieked with anguish, and grinned with a most +ghastly and horrible aspect.</p> + +<p>The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this +tumult, was not at all displeased at seeing his companions +involved in such a calamity as that which he +had already shared; but the doctor was confounded +with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an +application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his +sorrow for the misadventure, which he openly ascribed +to want of taste and prudence in the painter, who did +not think proper to return, and make an apology in +person; and protested that there was nothing in the +fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the +stuffing being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafœtida, +and the sauce consisting of wine and herring-pickle, +which he had used instead of the celebrated +<i>garum</i> of the Romans; that famous pickle having been +prepared sometimes of the <i>scombri</i>, which were a sort +of tunny fish, and sometimes of the <i>silurus</i>, or shad +fish; nay, he observed, that there was a third kind +called <i>garum hmation</i>, made of the guts, gills, and +blood of the <i>thynnus</i>.</p> + +<p>The physician, finding it would be impracticable to +re-establish the order of the banquet, by presenting +again the dishes which had been discomposed, ordered +every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be laid, and +the dessert to be brought in.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them +a specimen of the <i>alieus</i>, or fish-meals of the ancients,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> +such as the <i>jus diabaton</i>, the conger-eel, which, in +Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the <i>cornuta</i>, or +gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, +who says, the horns of many were a foot and a half +in length; the mullet and lamprey, that were in the +highest estimation of old, of which last Julius Csar +borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He +observed, that the manner of dressing them was described +by Horace, in the account he gives of the entertainment +to which Mcenas was invited by the +epicure Nasiedenus,</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Affertur squillas inter murna natantes, &c.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the +<i>thus Syriacum</i>, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, +which qualified the purgative nature of the fish. +Finally, this learned physician gave them to understand, +that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish +in the zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means +comparable, in point of expense, to some preparations +in vogue about the time of that absurd voluptuary +Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six hundred +ostriches to be compounded in one mess.</p> + +<p>By this time the dessert appeared, and the company +were not a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and +water: but what the master of the feast valued himself +upon was a sort of jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable +to the <i>hypotrimma</i> of Hesychius, being a mixture +of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to a proper consistence, +and candied assafœtida, which he asserted, +in contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no +other than the <i>laser Syriacum</i>, so precious as to be sold +among the ancients to the weight of a silver penny. +The gentlemen took his word for the excellency of this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> +gum, but contented themselves with the olives, which +gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they +seemed very well disposed to console themselves for +the disgraces they had endured; and Pickle, unwilling +to lose the least circumstance of entertainment that +could be enjoyed in their company, went in quest of the +painter, who remained in his penitentials in another +apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the +banqueting-room, until Peregrine undertook to procure +his pardon from those whom he had injured. Having +assured him of this indulgence, our young gentleman +led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands with an air +of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing +himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as +God was his Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, +woman, or child; but was fain to make the best of his +way, that he might not give the honourable company +cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of nature in +their presence.</p> + +<p>When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, +Pallet was forgiven in very polite terms, and even received +into favour by his friend the doctor, in consequence +of our hero's intercession; so that all the guests +forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so piously +to the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced +very evident effects in the behaviour of all present.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_053" id="i_053"></a> + <img src="images/i_053.jpg" alt="Pigs in a poke" title="Pigs in a poke" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_VII" id="POINT_VII">POINT VII.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE DUEL.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."</i></p> + + +<p>The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish +Raphael, and the rest of the company went back to +their lodgings; where Peregrine, taking the advantage of +being alone with the physician, recapitulated all the +affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance, +aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and +advising him, in the capacity of a friend, to take care of +his honour, which could not fail to suffer in the opinion +of the world, if he allowed himself to be insulted +with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree +of consideration.</p> + +<p>The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto +escaped chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy +his resentment, and in consideration of the +wretch's family, for which his compassion was interested; +but that repeated injuries would inflame the most +benevolent disposition; and although he could find no +precedent of duelling among the Greeks and Romans, +whom he considered as the patterns of demeanour, +Pallet should no longer avail himself of his veneration +for the ancients, but be punished for the very next +offence he should commit.</p> + +<p>Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> +from which he could not decently swerve, our adventurer +acted the incendiary with the other party also; +giving him to understand, that the physician treated +his character with such contempt, and behaved to him +with such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: +that, for his own part, he was every day put out of +countenance by their mutual animosity, which appeared +in nothing but vulgar expressions, more becoming shoe-boys +and oyster-women than men of honour and education; +and therefore he should be obliged, contrary +to his inclination, to break off all correspondence with +them both, if they would not fall upon some method to +retrieve the dignity of their characters.</p> + +<p>These representations would have had little effect +upon the timidity of the painter, who was likewise too +much of a Grecian to approve of single combat, in any +other way than that of boxing, an exercise in which he +was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with +an insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and +that he might humble him into any concession, without +running the least personal risk. Animated by this assurance, +our second Rubens set the trumpet of defiance to +his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, when his +honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be +the bearer of a challenge, which he would instantly +commit to writing.</p> + +<p>The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this +manifestation of courage, by which he was at liberty +to cultivate his friendship and society, but declined the +office of carrying the billet, that his tenderness of Pallet's +reputation might not be misinterpreted into an +officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same +time he recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very +proper messenger on this occasion, but also as a trusty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> +second in the field. The magnanimous painter took +his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, penned a challenge +in these terms.—</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'<span class="smcap">Sir</span>,—When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself; +much less——I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an unmannerly +fellow, because these are the hippythets of the wulgar: but, remember, +such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you; but, on the +contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious behaviour to me on +divers occasions; and will, this evening, in the twilight, meet you on +the ramparts with sword and pistol, where the Lord have mercy on +the soul of one of us, for your body shall find no favour with your +incensed defier, till death.</p> + +<p class="signature"> +'<span class="smcap">Layman Pallet.</span>'<br /> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This resolute defiance, after having been submitted +to the perusal, and honoured with the approbation of +our youth, was committed to the charge of Pipes, who, +according to his orders, delivered it in the afternoon; +and brought for answer, that the physician would attend +him at the appointed time and place. The challenger +was evidently discomposed at the unexpected +news of this acceptance, and ran about the house in +great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg his further +advice and assistance: but understanding that the +youth was engaged in private with his adversary, he +began to suspect some collusion, and cursed himself +for his folly and precipitation. He even entertained +some thoughts of retracting his invitation, and submitting +to the triumph of his antagonist: but before he +would stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved +to try another expedient, which might be the +means of saving both his character and person. In +this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and very gravely desired +he would be so good as to undertake the office of his +second in a duel which he was to fight that evening +with the physician.</p> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span></p> + +<p>The governor, instead of answering his expectation, +in expressing fear and concern, and breaking forth into +exclamations of, 'Good God! gentlemen! what d'ye +mean? You shall not murder one another while it is +in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly +to the governor of the place, who shall interpose +his authority.' I say, instead of these and other friendly +menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the proposal with +the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself +from accepting the honour intended for him, on account +of his character and situation, which would not permit +him to be concerned in any such rencounters. Indeed +this mortifying reception was owing to a previous hint +from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption +from his governor, had made him acquainted with +his design, and assured him, that the affair should not +be brought to any dangerous issue.</p> + +<p>Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed +with perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors +of death or mutilation, resolved to deprecate the wrath +of his enemy, and conform to any submission he should +propose, when he was accidentally encountered by our +adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, +told him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown +the doctor into an agony of consternation; that his +acceptance of his challenge was a mere effort of despair, +calculated to confound the ferocity of the sender, and +dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; that +he had imparted the letter to him, with fear and trembling, +on pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in +reality, with a view of obtaining his good offices in +promoting a reconciliation; 'but perceiving the situation +of his mind,' added our hero, 'I thought it would +be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> +therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him +to the field, in full assurance that he will there humble +himself before you, even to prostration. In this security +you may go and prepare your arms, and bespeak +the assistance of Pipes, who will 'squire you to the field, +while I keep myself up, that our correspondence may +not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, +that were sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement +to all the insolence of triumph; he again declared his +contempt of danger; and his pistols being loaded and +accommodated with new flints, by his trusty armour-bearer, +he waited, without flinching, for the hour of +battle.</p> + +<p>On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked +at his door, and Pipes having opened it at his desire, +he heard the voice of his antagonist pronounce,—'Tell +Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place of appointment.' +The painter was not a little surprised at this anticipation, +which so ill agreed with the information he had +received from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, +he fortified himself with a large bumper of brandy, +which, however, did not overcome the anxiety of his +thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition +with his second, betwixt whom and himself the following +dialogue passed, in their way to the ramparts.—'Mr. +Pipes,' said the painter, with disordered accent, +'methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry with that +message of his.'—'Ey, ey,' answered Tom, 'I do suppose +he longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied the +other,'d'ye think he thirsts after my blood?' 'To be +sure a does,' (said Pipes, thrusting a large quid of tobacco +into his cheek with great deliberation). 'If that +be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake, 'he is +no better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> +fight him on equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, +eyed him with a frown of indignation, saying, +'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied the +challenger, stammering with fear, 'what should I be +afraid of? the worst he can do is to take my life, and +then he'll be answerable both to God and man for the +murder: don't you think he will?'—'I think no such +matter,' answered the second: 'if so be as how he +puts a brace of bullets through your bows, and kills +you fairly, it is no more murder than if I was to bring +down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By this +time Pallet's teeth shattered with such violence, that +he could scarce pronounce this reply.—'Mr. Thomas, +you seem to make very light of a man's life; but I trust +in the Almighty I shall not be so easily brought down. +Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his +life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of +falling by the hand of my adversary?' 'You may or +you may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes, 'just as it +happens. What then! death is a debt that every man +owes, according to the song; and if you set foot to +foot, I think one of you must go to pot.' 'Foot to +foot!' exclaimed the terrified painter, 'that's downright +butchery; and I'll be damned before I fight any man +on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take +me to be a savage beast?' This declaration he made +while they ascended the ramparts. His attendant, perceiving +the physician and his second at the distance of +an hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their +appearance, and advised him to make ready, and behave +like a man. Pallet in vain endeavoured to conceal +his panic, which discovered itself in an universal trepidation +of body, and the lamentable tone in which he +answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,—'I do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +behave like a man; but you would have me act the part +of a brute.—Are they coming this way?' When Tom told +him that they had faced about, and admonished him to +advance, the nerves of his arm refused their office, he +could not hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, +retreated with an insensibility of motion; till +Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set his own back to +that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an +inch farther in that direction.</p> + +<p>While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master +enjoyed the terrors of the physician, which were more +ridiculous than those of Pallet, because he was more +intent upon disguising them. His declaration to Pickle +in the morning would not suffer him to start any objections +when he received the challenge; and finding that +the young gentleman made no offer of mediating the +affair, but rather congratulated him on the occasion, +when he communicated the painter's billet, all his +efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general reflexions, +upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first +introduced among civilized nations by the barbarous +Huns and Longobards. He likewise pretended to ridicule +the use of fire-arms, which confounded all the +distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant +of the opportunity of signalizing his personal +prowess.</p> + +<p>Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; +but, at the same time, represented the necessity of complying +with the customs of this world (ridiculous as +they were), on which a man's honour and reputation +depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that +artifice, the republican's agitation became more and +more remarkable; and he proposed, in plain terms, +that they should contend in armour, like the combatants<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> +of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that +they should practise the manner of fighting, since they +adopted the disposition of those iron times.</p> + +<p>Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our +hero than the sight of two such duellists cased in iron; +and he wished that he had promoted the quarrel in +Brussels, where he could have hired the armour of +Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for +their accommodation; but as there was no possibility +of furnishing them cap--pee at Antwerp, he persuaded +him to conform to the modern use of the sword, and +meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting +that his fear would supply him with other excuses for +declining the combat, he comforted him with some distant +insinuations, to the prejudice of his adversary's +courage, which would, in all probability, evaporate before +any mischief could happen.</p> + +<p>Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not +suppress the reluctance with which he went to the +field, and cast many a wishful look over his left shoulder, +to see whether or not his adversary was at his heels. +When, by the advice of his second, he took possession +of the ground, and turned about with his face to the +enemy, it was not so dark, but that Peregrine could +perceive the unusual paleness of his countenance, and +the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; +nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when +he regretted his want of the <i>pila</i> and <i>parma</i>, with which +he would have made a rattling noise, to astonish his +foe, in springing forward, and singing the hymn to battle, +in the manner of the ancients.</p> + +<p>In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his +antagonist, who, far from advancing, seemed to recoil, +and even struggle with his second, he guessed the situation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> +of the painter's thoughts, and collecting all the +manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of +profiting by his enemy's consternation. Striking his +sword and pistol together, he advanced in a sort of a +trot, raising a loud howl, in which he repeated, in lieu +of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of +Pindar's Pythia, beginning with <i>ek theon gar mekanai +pasai Broteais aretais</i>, &c. This imitation of the Greeks +had all the desired effect upon the painter, who seeing +the physician running towards him like a fury, with a +pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing +the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish +words he produced, was seized with an universal palsy +of his limbs. He would have dropped down upon the +ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him +to stand upon his defence. The doctor, contrary to +his expectation, finding that he had not flinched from +the spot, though he had now performed one half of his +career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his pistol, +the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the +affrighted painter, than he recommended his soul to +God, and roared for mercy with great vociferation.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_063" id="i_063"></a> + <img src="images/i_063.jpg" alt="Duelists attacking one another" title="Duelists attacking one another" /> +</div> + +<p>The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded +him to yield, and surrender his arms, on pain +of immediate death; upon which he threw away his +pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and +even threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and +went up to his master, stopping his nose with signs of +loathing and abhorrence.</p> + +<p>The victor, having won the <i>spolia opima</i>, granted him +his life, on condition that he would on his knees supplicate +his pardon, acknowledging him inferior to his +conqueror in every virtue and qualification, and promise +for the future to merit his favour by submission<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> +and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced +by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, +that he was not at all calculated for the purposes of war, +and that henceforth he would contend with no weapon +but his pencil. He begged, with great humility, that +Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for +this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity +inherited from his father, and suspend his opinion of +his talents, until he should have an opportunity of contemplating +the charms of his Cleopatra, which would +be finished in less than three months.</p> + +<p>Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, +that no man could be justly condemned for being subject +to the impressions of fear; and therefore his cowardice +might easily be forgiven: but there was something +so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, +in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not +the smallest pretension, that he could not forget his +misbehaviour all at once, though he would condescend +to communicate with him as formerly, in hopes of seeing +a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested +that there was no dissimulation in the case: for he was +ignorant of his own weakness, until his resolution was +put to the trial: he faithfully promised to demean himself, +during the remaining part of the tour, with that +conscious modesty and penitence which became a person +in his condition: and, for the present, implored the +assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from +the disagreeable consequence of his fear.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_065" id="i_065"></a> + <img src="images/i_065.jpg" alt="Mules kicking at one another" title="Mules kicking at one another" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_VIII" id="POINT_VIII">POINT VIII.</a></h2> + +<h3>THE QUACK DOCTOR.</h3> + + +<p>The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare +to Buxton Wells, to the High-peak, and many parts +of the North; and being inhabited by many substantial +people concerned in the mines, and having also +three or four of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of +England, every year; is a very populous town.</p> + +<p>There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, +a very extraordinary person, in a character, and with +an equipage, somewhat singular and paradoxical: this +was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician of the itinerant kind. +The doctor came to town on horseback, yet dressed in +a plaid night gown and red velvet cap. He had a small +reading-desk fixed upon the pummel of his saddle, that +supported a large folio, in which, by the help of a monstrous +pair of spectacles, the doctor seemed to read, as +the horse moved slowly on, with a profound attention. +A portmanteau behind him contained his cargo of sovereign +medicines, which, as brick-dust was probably +the principal ingredient, must have been no small burden +to his lean steed.</p> + +<p>The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly +along, in a dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, +than that of his master.</p> + +<p>The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his +merry-andrew (mounted on a horse-block before the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> +principal inn), had just begun to harangue the multitude, +and the speech with which he introduced himself +each market-day was to this effect—</p> + +<p>"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently +been imposed upon, no doubt, by quacks and ignorant +pretenders to the noble art of physic; who, in order to +gain your attention, have boasted of their many years' +travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote +regions of the habitable globe. One has been physician +to the Sophi of Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the +Empress of Russia; and displayed his skill at Moscow, +Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, perhaps, +has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, +or corn-cutter to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand +Turk; or has administered a clyster to the queen of +Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord knows who—as +if the wandering about from place to place (supposing +it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. +No, gentlemen, don't be imposed upon by pompous +words and magnificent pretensions. He that goes +abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb.</p> + +<p>"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor—But +here I am—your own countryman—your fellow +subject—your neighbour, as I may say. Why, +gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born +but at Coventry, where my mother now lives—Mary +Stubbs by name.</p> + +<p>"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which +I would not presume to practise the sublime art and +mystery of physic. I am the seventh son of a seventh +son. Seven days was I before I sucked the breast. +Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven +years before I was heard to utter seven words; and +twice seven years have I studied, night and day, for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> +the benefit of you, my friends and countrymen: and now +here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to cure all +manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that +out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without +fee or reward—except a trifling gratuity, the prime +cost of my medicines; or what you may choose voluntarily +to contribute hereafter, out of gratitude for the +great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will receive +from the use of them.</p> + +<p>"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous,<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a>Anti-febri-fuge +Tincture; that cures all internal disorders +whatsoever; the whole bottle for one poor shilling.</p> + +<p>"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical +Cataplasm; that will cure all external disorders, +cuts, bruises, contusions, excoriations, and dislocations; +and all for sixpence.</p> + +<p>"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum +Stubbianum, or Dr. Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned +over the whole Christian world, as an universal +remedy, which no family ought to be without: it +will keep seven years, and—be as good as it is now. +Here's this large bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum +of eighteen-pence.</p> + +<p>"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here +have called me quack, and ignorant pretender, and the +like. But here I am.—Let Dr. Pestle or Dr. Clyster +come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the +town of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, +and dispute with me in seven languages, ancient or modern; +in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew—in High-Dutch, +French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear +who are men of solid learning, and who are quacks and +ignorant pretenders.</p> + +<p>"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair +trial of skill, but not one of them dares show his face; +they confess their ignorance by their silence.</p> + +<p>"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, +Asthmaticum, Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, +Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, Catharticum.—Come, +gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst +health is so cheaply to be purchased."</p> + +<p>After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor +told the company, that as this was the last time of his +appearing at Ashbourn (other parts of the kingdom +claiming a part in his patriotic labours), he was determined +to make a present to all those who had been his +patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon +all those who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's +bottles, pill-boxes, plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to +make their appearance, and partake of his generosity.</p> + +<p>This produced no small degree of expectation amongst +those that had been the doctor's customers, who gathered +round him, with their hands stretched out, and +with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the doctor, +"stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised +to give you a shilling a-piece. I will immediately perform +my promise. Here's my Balsamum Stubbianum; +which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the bottle, +you shall now have it for sixpence."</p> + +<p>"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where +are you? Be quick! Don't stand in your own light. +You'll never have such another opportunity—as long +as you live."</p> + +<p>The people looked upon each other with an air of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> +disappointment. Some shook their heads, some grinned +at the conceit, and others uttered their execrations—some +few, however, who had been unwilling to throw +away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to +give a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or +nine shillings more by this stratagem, which was more +than the intrinsic value of his horse-load of medicines.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_071" id="i_071"></a> + <img src="images/i_071.jpg" alt="Quack being attacked by the crowd" title="Quack being attacked by the crowd" /> +</div> + +<p>This egregious quack conceiving that he had now +squeezed the last farthing out of his audience, commenced +his retreat from the crowd with his usual solemnity +of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; when a sly +countryman, who had stood near him for some time, +and had listened with a less than ordinary portion of +credulity, nay, who had, indeed, more than once lifted +up his eyes in token of disbelief, and curved his mouth +into an arch of humourous contempt—raised a pitchfork +which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into +the posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to +crawl underneath the Doctor and his baggage.—This +Rozinante no sooner felt the insidious prick, than, bent +on revenge, she raised her heels with deadly intent; +but in order to raise her heels, the old creature found +it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took +that opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not +avoid, of toppling over her shoulders. While the medical +gentleman was performing his somerset in the +air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the manifest +delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed +with joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and +filth—purely out of the extacy of their gratification, +another well disposed patient taking advantage of the +moment, presented a besom to the Merry Andrew, and +fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he +was capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> +and nostrums, which now bestrewed the pavement.—After +a few minutes floundering, the faithful pair regained +their legs, and gathering up the remnants of +their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient +speed, amidst the huzzas and laughter of the mob.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_073" id="i_073"></a> + <img src="images/i_073.jpg" alt="Duck in a fire" title="Duck in a fire" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_IX" id="POINT_IX">POINT IX.</a></h2> + +<h3>A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.</h3> + +<p class="center"><i>A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."</i></p> + + +<p>One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim +and Brandt, were reclined on their beds, beginning to +drink freely, relating their high feats, and, with becoming +modesty, comparing themselves to nothing less than +an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden +struck with a sort of inspiration.—"We are very comfortable +here," said he to the Baron.—"Very well indeed," +replied Ferdinand XV. with a slight symptom of ebriety.—"No +more guard at night."—"No longer compelled +to drink water."—"No more black bread, Colonel."—"No +more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them +sometimes, eh?"—"Aye, but with the loss of an eye."—"And +my poor arm, you have not forgot that?"—"No +more than I have your leg."—"My leg, my leg, +ah! that was a sad affair."—"Your health, Colonel." +"Your's, Brandt."—"I foresee but one little accident, +my Lord, that can disturb our present felicity."—"What's +that?"—"O nothing, a mere trifle.—I was +thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they +please, turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."—"Faith! +I had forgot those scoundrels;" answered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> +the Baron, drinking a bumper; "however, +you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect +the rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive +them in that famous tower, where Witikind, with +only thirty Saxons, stopped, for three days, an army of +one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne in person. +The place will inspire them with that veneration +for my person which its shattered state no longer enforces." +"I will go, Colonel."—"If they are reasonable—we +will pay them."—"If they are not—we must sabre +them."—"That is well said, Brandt,—bravo!"—"Let +us drink, Colonel."—"With all my heart."—</p> + +<p>The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled +his horse, gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the +Israelites, imparted to them the good intentions of his +master, appointed a day the Colonel would be ready +to receive them, and then returned to the castle.</p> + +<p>The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post +in the hour of battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment +of his mistress, or of a courtier at the levee, +is not to be compared with the precision of a Jew, who +has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on +the appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before +the Baron had slept himself sober. Brandt went +to inform him of the arrival of his creditors, assisted +him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet lined +with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand +XIII. and which Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but +to give his public audiences; tied his sabre over the +said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols in his +belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over +that of dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The +Baron, thus accoutred, came forth from his bed-chamber, +leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked majestically<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> +through two rows, formed by his creditors, and +was followed by them to the tower of Witikind.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_077" id="i_077"></a> + <img src="images/i_077.jpg" alt="Baron seated at a table" title="Baron seated at a table" /> +</div> + +<p>After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked +sword and his pistols, the Baron seated himself in an +immense arm-chair, stroked his whiskers, and spoke in +the following terms:—</p> + +<p>"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here +to free myself from your importunities."—The Jews +made a profound reverence. "I have served the descendant +of Csar, who is no better than the descendant +of Witikind:—but, no matter, I have served him. +I have been in want of money, and have subscribed to +your own terms; now I hold the purse, and dictate in +my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided +you sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews +were shocked at this proposal, and were about to expostulate, +but Brandt, giving them a fierce look, imposed +silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The +creditors shook their heads, in token of discontent. +Ferdinand XV. swore, by his ancestors, that he would +cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to approach his +castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, +by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat +the Saxon Jews, as the Arabian Jews had treated the +Amalekites, if they did not agree to a compromise; on +saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads +of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. +A Jew has no fear for his head, when he trembles +for his money.</p> + +<p>The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his +teeth, and was a little embarrassed, when Brandt, who +loved gentle means as well as any body, when he found +nothing else would succeed, advised the Colonel to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> +leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself +by a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of +the first who should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites +in the tower.</p> + +<p>Although they passed a great part of the day without +food, they still continued obstinate. At length their +physical thirst equalled their thirst for gold, and they +endeavoured to move the iron bars, which Ferdinand +XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, +who was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who +kept a sharp look-out, opposed himself so warmly to +their attempt that they were obliged to abandon it. +They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply +was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The +Jews signified their dissent by withdrawing from the +window.</p> + +<p>When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, +lighted a fire at the foot of the tower, and he +and the Jews spent the hours in watching each other's +motions. The next morning, the prisoners began to +feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded +a parley. "Will you have half?" was again the demand +of the inflexible Brandt. "We will take two thirds," +said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear it, and continued +to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder.</p> + +<p>At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist +the hunger which tormented them, requested another +conference; and, with seeming reluctance, agreed to +take the half of their debt. "You shall have but one +third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate +instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, +almost fainting, said, "Give us the half."—"You shall<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +have but a quarter," said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude +for a quarter," replied the Israelite: "there are +Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews."</p> + +<p>Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a +small ink-stand, tied the whole at the end of a long +pole, which he presented to the prisoners, and ordered +them to give a receipt for three parts of the +debt, which was executed instantly, and he received +it back by the same conveyance. He carried this +valuable acquisition to the Baron, from whom he +received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to +the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly +careful in obtaining the title-deeds. He then +conducted the Jews to the door, with great civility, +and they departed, wishing him most heartily at the +devil.</p> + +<p>By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner +in which the Baron had discharged his debts, +Brandt placed upon the table a large piece of smoked +bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, +for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, +even at the risk of not finding their way to bed until +the next morning.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_080" id="i_080"></a> + <img src="images/i_080.jpg" alt="Box trap" title="Box trap" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="POINT_X" id="POINT_X">POINT X.</a></h2> + +<h3><i>A Scene from Shakspeare.</i></h3> + + +<p class="center"><i>Enter Fluellen and Gower.</i></p> + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Nay, that's right: but why wear you your +leek to day? St. David's day is past.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> There is occasions and causes why and wherefore +in all things; I will tell you as a friend, Captain +Gower; the rascally, scauld, beggarly, lowsie, pragging +knave Pistol, which you and yourself and all the +world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you +now) of no merits; he is come to me and prings me +pread and salt yesterday, look you, and bid me eat my +leek. It was in a place where I could breed no contentions +with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it +in my cap, till I see him once again; and then I will +tell him a little piece of my desires.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter Pistol.</i></p> + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. +God plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, +lowsie knave, God plesse you.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0"><i>Pist.</i> Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">To have me fold up Parca's fatal web?<br /></span><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> +<span class="i0">Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_083" id="i_083"></a> + <img src="images/i_083.jpg" alt="Pistol forcing Fluellen to eat a leek" title="Pistol forcing Fluellen to eat a leek" /> +</div> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, +at my desires, and my requests, and my petitions, to +eat, look you, this leek: because, look you, you do not +love it; and your affections, and your appetites, and +your digestions, does not agree with it; I would desire +you to eat it.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Not for Cadwallader and all his goats.</p> + +<p> +<i>Flu.</i> There is one goat for you, <span style="margin-left: 7em;">[<i>Strikes him.</i></span><br /> +Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it?<br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Base Trojan, thou shalt die.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> You say very true, scald knave, when God's +will is: I will desire you to live in the mean time and +eat your victuals; come, there is sawce for it—— +[<i>Strikes him</i>] You call'd me yesterday, Mountain-Squire, +but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I +pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat +a leek.</p> + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, +or I will peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, +I pray you; it is good for your green wound and your +ploody coxcomb.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Must I bite?</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and +ambiguities.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I +eat and swear——</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Eat, I pray you; will you have some more +sawce to your leek? there is not enough leek to swear +by.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. +Nay, pray you, throw none away, the skin is good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +for your proken coxcomb: when you take occasions +to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's +all.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Good.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to +heal your pate.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> Me a groat!</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or +I have another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat.</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> I take thy groat in earnest of revenge.</p> + +<p><i>Flu.</i> If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; +you shall be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of +me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, and keep you, and +heal your pate.</p> + +<p class="signature"> +[<i>Exit.</i><br /> +</p> + +<p><i>Pist.</i> All hell shall stir for this.</p> + + +<p><i>Gow.</i> Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: +will you mock at an antient tradition, began upon an +honourable respect, and worn as a memorable trophy +of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your +deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking +and galling at this gentleman twice or thrice. You +thought, because he could not speak English in the native +garb, he could not therefore handle an English +cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a +Welsh correction teach you a good English condition: +fare you well.</p> + +<p class="signature"> +[<i>Exit.</i><br /> +</p> + +<div class="figcenter" > + <a name="i_085" id="i_085"></a> + <img src="images/i_085.jpg" alt="Devil" title="Devil" /> +</div> + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> + + + + +<h2><a name="Works_Illustrated_by_George_Cruikshank" id="Works_Illustrated_by_George_Cruikshank"><span class="oldenglish">Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.</span></a></h2> + +<h6>PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO.</h6> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p> + +<p class="center">Collected by <span class="smcap">MM. Grimm</span>, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12 Etchings by +<span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, price 7s.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'—New +Monthly Magazine.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES,</p> + +<p class="center">Illustrated by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, price 7s.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke very favorably; and what with the German +varieties in this sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of George Cruikshank, certain it is +that volume the second deserves almost equal praise.'—Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">POINTS OF HUMOUR,</p> + +<p>Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, on Copper and Wood. Parts +1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India proofs 12s. 6d. each.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">GREENWICH HOSPITAL,</p> + +<p>A Series of <span class="smcap">Naval Sketches</span>, descriptive of the Life of a Man-of-War's-Man, by an <span class="smcap">Old +Sailor</span>. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve characteristic Illustrations on Copper by <span class="smcap">George +Cruikshank</span>, coloured in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price +One Guinea, boards.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of George Cruikshank, we have put this article at +the head of our department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace. Yet it must not be fancied +that we mean to derogate from the literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour and genuine +nautical characteristics so often occupied that portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten +and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far greater number of them) now so cleverly brought +together, were originally printed in our columns, where they obtained so much popularity, as to lead +to their being republished in this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry, grotesque, and laughable +designs.'—Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET,</p> + +<p>A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by <span class="smcap">John Wight</span>, of the Morning +Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five Illustrations by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. +10s. 6d. A few copies are printed on India paper, price 15s.</p> + +<p>India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price 10s. 6d. and 6s.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">TALES OF IRISH LIFE,</p> + +<p>Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People, collected during a residence +of several years in various parts of Ireland, with Illustrations by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. +In 2 vols. price 12s.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<p>'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in these fictions; while, at the same time, they +are characteristic and amusing.'—Literary Gazette.</p> + +<p>'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient to render any tales immortal.'—British Press.</p> + +<p>'A hue of nature pervades them—an air of reality invests them;—life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents +and upon the characters.'—Dublin Morning Register.</p> + +<p>'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'—Dublin and London Magazine.</p> + +<p>'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly worthy of their attention.'—Critical Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">HANS OF ICELAND,</p> + +<p>A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. Price 7s. 6d.</p> + +<blockquote> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Some say this monster was a witch,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Some say he was a devil.'—Dragon of Wantley.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p>'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best productions of its class which we have seen. There is a +power about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's designs are capital.'—Literary Gazette.</p></blockquote> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">THE HUMOURIST;</p> + +<p>A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty Sayings, &c. Original +and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured Plates, Drawn and Engraved by +<span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>. In Four Volumes, 5s. each.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">ECCENTRIC TALES,</p> + +<p>From the German of <span class="smcap">W. F. Von Kosewitz</span>. Embellished with twenty coloured Illustrations +by <span class="smcap">George Cruikshank</span>, from Sketches by <span class="smcap">Alfred Crowquill</span>. Price 15s.</p> + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<p class="center">MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON,</p> + +<p class="center">by <span class="smcap">Geo. Clinton, Esq.</span> with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by <span class="smcap">Geo. Cruikshank</span>.</p> + + + +<hr class="chap" /> + +<div class="fn"> + +<h2><a name="FOOTNOTE" id="FOOTNOTE">FOOTNOTE:</a></h2> + + + +<div class="footnote"> + +<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English, +a tincture that will bring on a fever.</p></div> + +</div> + +<div class="tn"> + +<h2><a name="Transcribers_Notes" id="Transcribers_Notes">Transcriber's Notes:</a></h2> + +<ul class="corrections"> + +<li>Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout.</li> + +</ul></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POINTS OF HUMOUR, PART II (OF II) *** + +***** This file should be named 44572-h.htm or 44572-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/5/7/44572/ + +Produced by Douglas L. 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