diff options
Diffstat (limited to '44572-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 44572-0.txt | 1874 |
1 files changed, 1874 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/44572-0.txt b/44572-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2030739 --- /dev/null +++ b/44572-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1874 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44572 *** + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR. + + ILLUSTRATED BY + + =A Series of Plates,= + + FROM DESIGNS BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + TEN ENGRAVINGS ON COPPER. TWELVE WOOD CUTS. + + "_Let me play the fool: + With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come; + And let my liver rather heat with wine, + Than my heart cool with mortifying groans. + Why should a man, whose blood is warm within, + Sit like his grandsire, cut in alabaster? + Sleep when he wakes? and creep into the jaundice + By being peevish?_" + + SHAKSPEARE. + + PART II. + + PRICE 8_s._ + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY J. ROBINS AND CO. IVY LANE, + PATERNOSTER ROW. + + + + + POINTS + + OF + + HUMOUR; + + =Illustrated= + + BY THE + + DESIGNS OF GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. + + PART II. + + LONDON: + + PUBLISHED BY C. BALDWYN, NEWGATE STREET. + + 1824. + + + LONDON: + + Printed by D. S. Maurice, Fenchurch-street. + + + + + PREFACE. + + +The best preface to _this_ set of the POINTS OF HUMOUR is the +_former_ set, which, we are credibly informed, has favorably disposed +the muscles of our readers for repeating a certain cackling sound, +which is heart-food to our friend George Cruikshank. + +One individual, for certain, has laughed over these POINTS, and he is +a very worthy gentleman, who may be discerned wedging his way through +sundry piles of books in a remarkable part of Newgate-street, being +opposite to the huge prison of that name. No one ever asked him after +the sale of this little work, without observing an instantaneous +distension of that feature of the face which is used for more +purposes than merely grinning. It is to be devoutly hoped that this +second set will not spoil his merriment, and that, as rather a coarse +saying goes, "he will not be made to sing to another tune." + +The author, collector, compiler, editor, writer, or whatever name +the daily or weekly critics may give him, for they have given him +all these, will, undoubtedly, be heartily sorry should this change +take place, for he avows that since the publication of the POINTS, +the face of the worthy gentleman alluded to has been illuminated by +one unclouded sunshine, so much so, indeed, that to enter his shop +has been a constant resource against melancholy during this gloomy +weather. A face lighted up with good humour in a dark shop, is like a +blaze of light in the middle of one of Rembrandt's murky pictures. + +It will be seen that the compiler has taken a hint, or rather +_followed_ a hint of one of the critics upon this little book. He has +resorted for part of his materials, to the author, who is the richest +of all in the humour of _situation_. Fielding has been suggested; +but though some things, excellent in their kind, might be found in +him, yet it will be observed, on a more accurate consideration, that +this admirable author is infinitely less adapted to the pencil of +Cruikshank, than his successor in the walk of humour. Fielding is a +master in the power of laying open all the springs which regulate the +motion of that curious piece of mechanism, the human heart. He wrote +with the inspiration of genius, and is true to nature in her minutest +circumstances. He involuntarily and unconsciously catches the look, the +word, the gesture, which would undoubtedly have manifested itself, and +which is in itself a strong gleam of light upon the whole character. +His _dramatis personæ_ are not, generally, very extraordinary +people.--He dealt in that which is _common_ to all. While, on the +contrary, Smollett is rich in that which is uncommon and eccentric. +His field is among oddities, hobby-horses, foibles, and singularities +of all kinds, which he groups in the most extraordinary manner, and +colours for the most striking effect. We read Fielding with a satisfied +smile, but it is over the page of Smollett that the loud laugh is heard +to break forth.--How much at home our artist is in the conception of +Smollett may be seen in the following plates. + +It has been said that it is a pity Mr. Cruikshank should waste his +talents upon ephemeral anecdotes, and not hand down his name by +illustrating the works of our great Novelists. As well might it have +been said to these great Novelists, "confine yourselves to commenting +upon, or translating Cervantes or Le Sage." Genius consecrates and +immortalizes all it touches.--If the tales or anecdotes be ephemeral, +the plates will stamp them for a good old age. Hogarth did not paint +his _Rake's Progress_ in illustration of any immortal work, nor does it +require a set of octavo volumes to remind posterity of his existence. + +A similar excuse may apply to Cruikshank, who, generally, would chuse +rather to exalt the humble, than endow the rich. + +We have an observation to make respecting one of the plates, the last +in the order. It will be seen that the costume of the characters +there pourtrayed, is essentially different from that adopted by every +illustrator of Shakspeare. This has not been done unadvisedly. The +proper authorities have been in this, as in other cases, diligently +consulted, and it has appeared that these artists, in their endeavour +to discover the dress of our ancestors, have stopped short at the +reign of Charles II., instead of penetrating to that of Henry V. + +_March_, 1824. + + + + + NOTICE. + + +As there are Works continually advertised "_with Plates by +Cruikshank_," the Public are particularly requested to observe, that +_George_ Cruikshank has no connexion with any Publications to which +his Christian Name is not affixed; and that all Works, for which he +has made Designs, are advertised with his name in full. He has made +Designs for the following Works:-- + + + ITALIAN TALES. + + Just published, price 10s. in one volume beautifully printed, with + sixteen Original Designs by George Cruikshank, + + =Italian Tales= + + OF HUMOUR, GALLANTRY, AND ROMANCE. + + Selected and translated from a variety of Authors. + + "This volume of light entertainment possesses considerable merit, + and its embellishments are of the best kind. The ability of Mr. + George Cruikshank is so well known, that to say he does not in the + present volume fall short of his former excellence, is sufficient + praise. Many of his designs are exceedingly graceful and are + executed with singular delicacy."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "Cruikshank has illustrated these Italian Tales with a grace + which (without imitation) approaches the beauty of Stothard's + compositions."--_Westminster Review, No. I._ + + +Second Edition, in 12mo. (250 pages) price 7s. with 12 plates, designed + and engraved by George Cruikshank, + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + _Translated from the Kinder und Haus-Märchen of_ + + M. M. GRIMM. + + With a PREFACE and NOTES by the Translators. + + "This book ought to be in possession of the man as a curiosity, + and of the child as an amusement."--_New Monthly Magazine._ + + "The little book published last winter, '_German Nursery + Tales_, with etchings by Cruikshank,' was executed in a style + very superior to the '_Tales of the Northern Nations_.' The + Translator, whoever he be, displayed a great deal of tact in + transferring these Stories with so much of their native naïveté." + + _Blackwood's Magazine, October_ 1. + + Vol. II. is preparing for Publication. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR.--No. I. + +⁂ An _imitation_ of the last Work having appeared, _George_ Cruikshank +takes leave to say, that he did not make a single Drawing for it. + + + + + POINT I. + + THE THREE HUNCHBACKS. + + +At a short distance from Douai, there stood a castle on the bank of +a river near a bridge. The master of this castle was hunchbacked. +Nature had exhausted her ingenuity in the formation of his whimsical +figure. In place of understanding, she had given him an immense head, +which nevertheless was lost between his two shoulders: he had thick +hair, a short neck, and a horrible visage. + +Spite of his deformity, this bugbear bethought himself of falling +in love with a beautiful young woman, the daughter of a poor but +respectable burgess of Douai. He sought her in marriage, and as he +was the richest person in the district, the poor girl was delivered +up to him. After the nuptials he was as much an object of pity as +she, for, being devoured by jealousy, he had no tranquillity night +nor day, but went prying and rambling every where, and suffered no +stranger to enter the castle. + +One day during the Christmas festival, while standing sentinel at his +gate, he was accosted by three humpbacked minstrels. They saluted him +as a brother, as such asked him for refreshments, and at the same +time, to establish the fraternity, they ostentatiously shouldered +their humps at him. Contrary to expectation, he conducted them to his +kitchen, gave them a capon with peas, and to each a piece of money +over and above. Before their departure, however, he warned them never +to return on pain of being thrown into the river. At this threat of +the Chatelain the minstrels laughed heartily and took the road to +the town, singing in full chorus, and dancing in a grotesque manner, +in derision of their brother-hump of the castle. He, on his part, +without paying farther attention, went to walk in the fields. + +[Illustration] + +The lady, who saw her husband cross the bridge, and had heard the +minstrels, called them back to amuse her. They had not been long +returned to the castle, when her husband knocked at the gate, by which +she and the minstrels were equally alarmed. Fortunately, the lady +perceived in a neighbouring room three empty coffers. Into each of +these she stuffed a minstrel, shut the covers, and then opened the gate +to her husband. He had only come back to espy the conduct of his wife +as usual, and, after a short stay, went out anew, at which you may +believe his wife was not dissatisfied. She instantly ran to the coffers +to release her prisoners, for night was approaching and her husband +would not probably be long absent. But what was her dismay, when she +found them all three suffocated! Lamentation, however, was useless. The +main object now was to get rid of the dead bodies, and she had not a +moment to lose. She ran then to the gate, and seeing a peasant go +by, she offered him a reward of thirty livres, and leading him into +the castle, she took him to one of the coffers, and shewing him its +contents, told him he must throw the dead body into the river: he asked +for a sack, put the carcase into it, pitched it over the bridge, and +then returned quite out of breath to claim the promised reward. + +[Illustration] + +"I certainly intended to satisfy you," said the lady, "but you ought +first to fulfil the condition of the bargain--you have agreed to rid +me of the dead body, have you not? There, however, it is still." +Saying this, she showed him the other coffer in which the second +humpbacked minstrel had expired. At this sight the clown was perfectly +confounded--"how the devil! come back! a sorcerer!"--he then stuffed +the body into the sack and threw it, like the other, over the bridge, +taking care to put the head down and to observe that it sank. + +Meanwhile the lady had again changed the position of the coffers, +so that the third was now in the place which had been successively +occupied by the two others. When the peasant returned, she shewed him +the remaining dead body--"you are right, friend," said she, "he must +be a magician, for there he is again." The rustic gnashed his teeth +with rage. "What the devil! am I to do nothing but carry about this +humpback?" He then lifted him up, with dreadful imprecations, and +having tied a stone round the neck, threw him into the middle of the +current, threatening, if he came out a third time, to despatch him +with a cudgel. + +[Illustration] + +The first object that presented itself to the clown, on his way back +for his reward, was the hunchbacked master of the castle returning +from his evening walk, and making towards the gate. At this sight the +peasant could no longer restrain his fury. "Dog of a humpback, are you +there again?" So saying, he sprung on the Chatelain, threw him over his +shoulders, and hurled him headlong into the river after the minstrels. + +[Illustration] + +"I'll venture a wager you have not seen him this last time," said the +peasant, entering the room where the lady was seated. She answered, +she had not. "You were not far from it," replied he: "the sorcerer +was already at the gate, but I have taken care of him--be at your +ease--he will not come back now." + +The lady instantly comprehended what had occurred, and recompensed +the peasant with much satisfaction. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT II. + + A RELISH BEFORE DINNER. + + +[Illustration] + +When Charles Gustavus, King of Sweden, was besieging Prague, a boor, +of a most extraordinary visage, desired admittance to his tent; and +being allowed to enter, he offered, by way of amusement, to devour +a large hog in his presence. The old general Konigsmark, who stood +by the king's side, notwithstanding his bravery, had not got rid of +the prejudices of his childhood, and hinted to his royal master, +that the peasant ought to be burnt as a sorcerer. "Sir," said the +fellow, irritated at the remark, "if your majesty will but make that +old gentleman take off his sword and spurs, I will eat him before I +begin the pig." General Konigsmark, who had, at the head of a body +of Swedes, performed wonders against the Austrians, could not stand +this proposal, especially as it was accompanied by a most hideous +expansion of the jaws and mouth. Without uttering a word, the veteran +turned pale and suddenly ran out of the tent, and did not think +himself safe till he arrived at his quarters, where he remained above +twenty-four hours, locked securely, before he got rid of the panic +which had so strongly seized him. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT III. + + THE HAUNTED PHYSICIANS. + + +A lover, whose mistress was dangerously ill, sought every where for +a skilful physician in whom he could place confidence, and to whose +care he might confide a life so dear to him. In the course of his +search he met with a talisman, by the aid of which spirits might be +rendered visible. The young man exchanged, for this talisman, half +his possessions, and having secured his treasure, ran with it to +the house of a famous physician. Flocking round the door he beheld +a crowd of shades, the ghosts of those persons whom this physician +had killed. Some old, some young; some the skeletons of fat old men; +some gigantic frames of gaunt fellows; some little puling infants and +squalling women; all joined in menaces and threats against the house +of the physician--the den of their destroyer--who however peacefully +marched through them with his cane to his chin, and a grave and +solemn air. The same vision presented itself, more or less, at the +house of every physician of eminence. One at length was pointed +out to him in a distant quarter of the city, at whose door he only +perceived two little ghosts. "Behold," exclaimed he, with a joyful +cry, "the good physician of whom I have been so long in search!" The +doctor, astonished, asked him how he had been able to discover this? +"Pardon me," said the afflicted lover complacently, "your ability +and your reputation are well known to me." "My reputation!" said the +physician, "why I have been in Paris but eight days, and in that time +I have had but TWO patients." "Good God!" involuntarily exclaimed the +young man, "and there they are!" + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT IV. + + THE FOUR BLIND BEGGARS. + + +There was a man, whose name was Backbac; he was blind, and his evil +destiny reduced him to beg from door to door. He had been so long +accustomed to walk through the streets alone, that he wanted none +to lead him: he had a custom to knock at people's doors, and not +answer till they opened to him. One day he knocked thus, and the +master of the house, who was alone, cried, "who is there?" Backbac +made no answer, and knocked a second time: the master of the house +asked again and again, "who is there?" but to no purpose, no one +answered; upon which he came down, opened the door, and asked the +man what he wanted? "Give me something, for Heaven's sake," said +Backbac; "you seem to be blind," replied the master of the house; +"yes, to my sorrow," answered Backbac. "Give me your hand," resumed +the master of the house; he did so, thinking he was going to give him +alms; but he only took him by the hand to lead him up to his chamber. +Backbac thought he had been carrying him to dine with him, as many +people had done. When they reached the chamber, the man let go his +hand, and sitting down, asked him again what he wanted? "I have +already told you," said Backbac, "that I want something for God's +sake." "Good blind man," replied the master of the house, "all that +I can do for you is to wish that God may restore your sight." "You +might have told me that at the door," replied Backbac, "and not have +given me the trouble to come up stairs." "And why, fool," said the +man of the house, "do not you answer at first, when people ask you +who is there? why do you give any body the trouble to come and open +the door when they speak to you?"--"What will you do with me then?" +asked Backbac; "I tell you again," said the man of the house, "I have +nothing to give you." "Help me down the stairs then, as you brought +me up."--"The stairs are before you," said the man of the house, "and +you may go down by yourself if you will." The blind man attempted to +descend, but missing a step, about the middle of the stairs, fell +to the bottom and hurt his head and his back: he got up again with +much difficulty, and went out, cursing the master of the house, who +laughed at his fall. + +As Backbac went out of the house, three blind men, his companions, were +going by, knew him by his voice, and asked him what was the matter? He +told them what had happened; and afterwards said, "I have eaten nothing +to day; I conjure you to go along with me to my house, that I may take +some of this money that we four have in common, to buy me something for +supper." The blind men agreed, and they went home with him. + +You must know that the master of the house where Backbac was so ill +used, was a robber, and of a cunning and malicious disposition; he +overheard from his window what Backbac had said to his companions, +and came down and followed them to Backbac's house. The blind men +being seated, Backbac said to them, "brothers, we must shut the +door, and take care there be no stranger with us." At this the robber +was much perplexed; but perceiving a rope hanging down from a beam, +he caught hold of it, and hung by it while the blind men shut the +door, and felt about the room with their sticks. When they had done, +and had sat down again in their places, the robber left his rope, +and seated himself softly by Backbac: who, thinking himself alone +with his blind comrades, said to them, "brothers, since you have +trusted me with the money, which we have been a long time gathering, +I will shew you that I am not unworthy of the confidence you repose +in me. The last time we reckoned, you know that we had ten thousand +dirhems, and that we put them into ten bags: I will shew you that I +have not touched one of them;" having so said, he put his hand among +some old clothes, and taking out the bags one after another, gave +them to his comrades, saying, "there they are: you may judge by their +weight that they are whole, or you may tell them if you please." His +comrades answered, "there was no need, they did not mistrust him;" so +he opened one of the bags, and took out ten dirhems, and each of the +other blind men did the like. + +Backbac put the bags into their place again; after which, one of the +blind men said to him, "there is no need to lay out any thing for +supper, for I have collected as much victuals from good people as +will serve us all:" at the same time he took out of his bag bread and +cheese, and some fruit, and putting all upon the table, they began +to eat. The robber, who sat at Backbac's right hand, picked out the +best, and eat with them; but, whatever care he took to make no noise, +Backbac heard his chaps going, and cried out immediately, "We are +undone, there is a stranger among us!" Having so said, he stretched +out his hand, and caught hold of the robber by the arm, cried out +"_thieves!_" fell upon him, and struck him. The other blind men fell +upon him in like manner; the robber defended himself as well as he +could, and being young and vigorous, besides having the advantage +of his eyes, he swung by the hanging rope, and gave furious kicks, +sometimes to one, sometimes to another, and cried out "_thieves!_" +louder than they did. The neighbours came running at the noise, +broke open the door, and had much ado to separate the combatants; +but having at last succeeded, they asked the cause of their quarrel. +Backbac, who still had hold of the robber, cried out, "gentlemen, +this man I have hold of is a thief, and stole in with us on purpose +to rob us of the little money we have." The thief, who shut his eyes +as soon as the neighbours came, feigned himself blind, and exclaimed, +"gentlemen, he is a liar. I swear to you by heavens, and by the life +of the caliph, that I am their companion, and they refuse to give +me my just share. They have all four fallen upon me, and I demand +justice." The neighbours would not interfere in their quarrel, +but carried them all before the judge. When they came before the +magistrate, the robber, without staying to be examined, cried out, +still feigning to be blind, "sir, since you are deputed to administer +justice by the caliph, whom God prosper, I declare to you that we are +equally criminal, my four comrades and I; but we have all engaged, +upon oath, to confess nothing except we be bastinadoed; so that if +you would know our crime, you need only order us to be bastinadoed, +and begin with me." Backbac would have spoken, but was not allowed to +do so, and the robber was put under the bastinado. + +[Illustration] + +The robber, being under the bastinado, had the courage to bear twenty +or thirty blows: when, pretending to be overcome with pain, he first +opened one eye, and then the other, and crying out for mercy, begged +the judge would put a stop to the blows. The judge, perceiving that +he looked upon him with his eyes open, was much surprised, and said +to him, "rogue, what is the meaning of this miracle?" "Sir," replied +the robber, "I will discover to you an important secret, if you will +pardon me, and give me, as a pledge that you will keep your word, the +seal-ring which you have on your finger." The judge consented, gave +him his ring, and promised him pardon. "Under this promise," continued +the robber, "I must confess to you, sir, that I and my four comrades +do all see very well. We feigned ourselves to be blind, that we might +freely enter people's houses, and women's apartments, where we abuse +their weakness. I must farther confess to you, that by this trick we +have gained together ten thousand dirhems: this day I demanded of my +partners two thousand that belonged to my share, but they refused, +because I told them I would leave them, and they were afraid I should +accuse them. Upon my pressing still to have my share, they fell upon +me; for which I appeal to those people who brought us before you. I +expect from your justice, sir, that you will make them deliver me the +two thousand dirhems which are my due; and if you have a mind that my +comrades should confess the truth, you must order them three times as +many blows as I have had, and you will find they will open their eyes +as well as I have done." Backbac, and the other three blind men, would +have cleared themselves of this horrid charge, but the judge would not +hear them; "villains," said he, "do you feign yourselves blind then, +and, under that pretext of moving their compassion, cheat people, and +commit such crimes?" "He is an impostor," cried Backbac, "and we take +God to witness that none of us can see." All that Backbac could say was +in vain, his comrades and he received each of them two hundred blows. +The judge expected them to open their eyes, and ascribed to their +obstinacy what really they could not do; all the while the robber said +to the blind men, "_Poor fools that you are, open your eyes, and do +not suffer yourselves to be beaten to death._" Then addressing himself +to the judge, said, "I perceive, sir, that they will be maliciously +obstinate to the last, and will never open their eyes. They wish +certainly to avoid the shame of reading their own condemnation in the +face of every one that looks upon them; it were better, if you think +fit, to pardon them, and to send some person along with me for the ten +thousand dirhems they have hidden." + +The judge consented to give the robber two thousand dirhems, and kept +the rest himself; and as for Backbac and his three companions, he +thought he shewed them pity by sentencing them only to be banished. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT V. + + THE CONSULTATION. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Among those who frequented the pump-room at Bath, was an old officer, +whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks of +the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs, +sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness: +he imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the mal-practice of +a surgeon who had administered to him, while he laboured under the +consequences of an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had +inspired him with an insurmountable antipathy to all the professors +of the medical art, which was more and more confirmed by the +information of a friend at London, who had told him, that it was +a common practice among the physicians at Bath to dissuade their +patients from drinking the water, that the cure, and in consequence +their attendance, might be longer protracted. + +Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few +general instructions he had received, used the waters without +any farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his +hatred and contempt of the sons of Æsculapius, both by speech and +gesticulations, and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to +that which he knew they prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly +in his condition. But he did not find his account in this method, how +successful soever it may have been in other cases. His complaints, +instead of vanishing, were every day more and more enraged; and at +length he was confined to his bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn +to night, and from night to morn, though still more determined than +ever to adhere to his former maxims. + +In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the +town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who +triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed +a country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, +early one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and +desire them to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. +In consequence of this summons, the whole faculty put themselves +in motion; and three of the foremost arriving at the same instant +of time, far from complimenting one another with the door, each +separately essayed to enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the +passage; while they remained thus wedged together, they descried two +of their brethren posting towards the same goal, with all the speed +that God had enabled them to exert; upon which they came to a parley, +and agreed to stand by one another. This covenant being made, they +disentangled themselves, and, inquiring about the patient, were told +by the servant that he had just fallen asleep. + +Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his +antichamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted +themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage +was filled, from the top of the stair-case to the street-door; and +the people of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck +dumb with astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no +sooner made their lodgement good, than they began to consult about +the patient's malady, which every one of them pretended to have +considered with great care and assiduity. The first who gave his +opinion said, the distemper was an obstinate arthritis; the second +affirmed, that it was no other than a confirmed lues; and the third +swore it was an inveterate scurvy. This diversity of opinions was +supported by a variety of quotations from medical authors, ancient +as well as modern; but these were not of sufficient authority, or +at least not explicit enough, to decide the dispute; for there are +many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion, and each set can +quote the fathers in support of the tenets they profess. In short, +the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, as not only alarmed +the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient from the +first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Had it been +simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noise +that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved +from the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dream, he fancied +himself exposed: but this dreadful vision had been the result of that +impression which was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish +of his joints; so that when he waked, the pain, instead of being +allayed, was rather aggravated, by a great acuteness of sensation; +and the confused vociferation in the next room invading his ears at +the same time, he began to think his dream was realized, and, in +the pangs of despair, applied himself to a bell that stood by his +bedside, which he rung with great violence and perseverance. + +This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three +doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his +chamber without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third +made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient +could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on +him at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of +the faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to +his master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these +gaunt ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such +an assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always +considered with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed +to a most inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited +by his rage, that, though his tongue denied its office, his other +limbs performed their functions: he disengaged himself from the +triumvirate, who had taken possession of his body, sprung out of bed +with incredible agility, and, seizing one of his crutches, applied it +so effectually to one of the three, just as he stooped to examine the +patient's water, that his tye-periwig dropped into the pot, while he +himself fell motionless on the floor. + +This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every +man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door; +and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts +of individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued: for the +colonel, far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled +his weapon with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect +of persons; so that few or none of them had escaped without marks +of his displeasure, when his spirits failed, and he sunk down again +quite exhausted on his bed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited +faculty collected their hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the +fray; and perceiving the assailant too much enfeebled to renew the +attack, set up their throats altogether, and loudly threatened to +prosecute him severely for such an outrageous assault. + +[Illustration] + +By this time the landlord had interposed; and inquiring into the +cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the +complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that +they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, +he assured them, that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his +lodger had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession. + +Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour +instantaneously ceased; and each, in particular, at once +comprehending the nature of the joke, they sneaked silently off with +the loss they had sustained, in unutterable shame and mortification, +while Peregrine and his friend, who took care to be passing that +way by accident, made a full stop at sight of such an extraordinary +efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and condition of every one as +he appeared; nay, even made up to some of those who seemed most +affected with their situation, and mischievously tormented them with +questions touching this unusual congregation; then, in consequence +of the information they received from the landlord and the colonel's +valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the company +in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of the +farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries +of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed the +whole; though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner as +afforded no handle of prosecution. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VI. + + THE DINNER. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +Peregrine, by his insinuating behaviour, acquired the full confidence +of the doctor, who invited him to an entertainment, which he intended +to prepare in the manner of the ancients. Pickle, struck with this +idea, eagerly embraced the proposal, which he honoured with many +encomiums, as a plan in all respects worthy of his genius and +apprehension; and the day was appointed at some distance of time, +that the treater might have leisure to compose certain pickles +and confections, which were not to be found among the culinary +preparations of these degenerate days. + +With a view of rendering the physician's taste more conspicuous, +and extracting from it more diversion, Peregrine proposed that some +foreigners should partake of the banquet; and the task being left to +his care and discretion, he actually bespoke the company of a French +marquis, an Italian count, and a German baron, whom he knew to be +most egregious coxcombs, and therefore more likely to enhance the joy +of the entertainment. + +Accordingly, the hour being arrived, he conducted them to the hotel +where the physician lodged, after having regaled their expectations +with an elegant meal in the genuine old Roman taste; and they were +received by Mr. Pallet, who did the honours of the house, while his +friend superintended the cook below. By this communicative painter, the +guests understood that the doctor had met with numerous difficulties +in the execution of his design; that no fewer than five cooks had been +dismissed, because they could not prevail upon their own consciences +to obey his directions in things that were contrary to the present +practice of their art; and that although he had at last engaged a +person, by an extraordinary premium, to comply with his orders, the +fellow was so astonished, mortified, and incensed, at the commands he +had received, that his hair stood on end, and he begged on his knees +to be released from the agreement he had made; but finding that his +employer insisted upon the performance of his contract, and threatened +to introduce him to the commissaire, if he should flinch from the +bargain, he had, in the discharge of his office, wept, sung, cursed, +and capered, for two hours without intermission. + +While the company listened to this odd information, by which they +were prepossessed with strange notions of the dinner, their ears +were invaded by a piteous voice, that exclaimed in French, "For the +love of God! dear sir! for the passion of Jesus Christ! spare me the +mortification of the honey and oil!" Their ears still vibrated with +the sound, when the doctor entering, was by Peregrine made acquainted +with the strangers, to whom he, in the transports of his wrath, could +not help complaining of the want of complaisance he had found in the +Parisian vulgar, by which his plan had been almost entirely ruined and +set aside. The French marquis, who thought the honour of his nation +was concerned at this declaration, professed his sorrow for what had +happened, so contrary to the established character of the people, and +undertook to see the delinquents severely punished, provided he could +be informed of their names or places of abode. The mutual compliments +that passed on this occasion were scarce finished, when a servant +coming into the room, announced dinner; and the entertainer led the +way into another apartment, where they found a long table, or rather +two boards joined together, and furnished with a variety of dishes, +the steams of which had such evident effect upon the nerves of the +company, that the marquis made frightful grimaces, under pretence of +taking snuff; the Italian's eyes watered, the German's visage underwent +several distortions of feature; our hero found means to exclude the +odour from his sense of smelling, by breathing only through his mouth; +and the poor painter, running into another room, plugged his nostrils +with tobacco. The doctor himself, who was the only person then present +whose organs were not discomposed, pointing to a couple of couches +placed on each side of the table, told his guests that he was sorry +he could not procure the exact triclinia of the ancients, which were +somewhat different from these conveniences, and desired they would +have the goodness to repose themselves without ceremony, each in his +respective couchette, while he and his friend Mr. Pallet would place +themselves upright at the ends, that they might have the pleasure of +serving those that lay along. This disposition, of which the strangers +had no previous idea, disconcerted and perplexed them in a most +ridiculous manner; the marquis and baron stood bowing to each other, on +pretence of disputing the lower seat, but, in reality, with a view of +profiting by the example of each other: for neither of them understood +the manner in which they were to loll; and Peregrine, who enjoyed their +confusion, handed the count to the other side, where, with the most +mischievous politeness, he insisted upon his taking possession of the +upper place. + +In this disagreeable and ludicrous suspense, they continued acting +a pantomime of gesticulations, until the doctor earnestly entreated +them to wave all compliment and form, lest the dinner should be +spoiled before the ceremonial could be adjusted. Thus conjured, +Peregrine took the lower couch on the left-hand side, laying himself +gently down, with his face towards the table. The marquis, in +imitation of this pattern, (though he would have much rather fasted +three days than run the risk of discomposing his dress by such an +attitude,) stretched himself upon the opposite place, reclining upon +his elbow in a most painful and awkward situation, with his head +raised above the end of the couch, that the economy of his hair might +not suffer by the projection of his body. The Italian, being a thin +limber creature, planted himself next to Pickle, without sustaining +any misfortune, but that of his stocking being torn by a ragged +nail of the seat, as he raised his legs on a level with the rest +of his limbs. But the baron, who was neither so wieldy nor supple +in his joints as his companions, flounced himself down with such +precipitation, that his feet, suddenly tilting up, came in furious +contact with the head of the marquis, and demolished every curl in a +twinkling, while his own skull, at the same instant, descended upon +the side of his couch with such violence, that his periwig was struck +off, and the whole room filled with pulvilio. + +The drollery of distress that attended this disaster entirely +vanquished the affected gravity of our young gentleman, who was obliged +to suppress his laughter by cramming his handkerchief into his mouth; +for the bareheaded German asked pardon with such ridiculous confusion, +and the marquis admitted his apology with such rueful complaisance, as +were sufficient to awaken the mirth of a quietist. + +This misfortune being repaired, as well as the circumstances of +the occasion would permit, and every one settled according to the +arrangement already described, the doctor graciously undertook to +give some account of the dishes as they occurred, that the company +might be directed in their choice; and, with an air of infinite +satisfaction, thus began:--"This here, gentlemen, is a boiled goose, +served up in a sauce composed of pepper, lovage, coriander, mint, +rue, anchovies, and oil. I wish for your sakes, gentlemen, it was one +of the geese of Ferrara, so much celebrated among the ancients for +the magnitude of their livers, one of which is said to have weighed +upwards of two pounds; with this food, exquisite as it was, did the +tyrant Heliogabalus regale his hounds. But I beg pardon, I had almost +forgot the soup, which I hear is so necessary an article at all +tables in France. At each end there are dishes of the salacacabia of +the Romans; one is made of parsley, pennyroyal, cheese, pine-tops, +honey, vinegar, brine, eggs, cucumbers, onions, and hen livers; the +other is much the same as the soup-maigre of this country. Then +there is a loin of boiled veal with fennel and carraway seed, on a +pottage composed of pickle, oil, honey, and flour, and a curious +hashis of the lights, liver, and blood of a hare, together with a +dish of roasted pigeons. Monsieur le Baron, shall I help you to a +plate of this soup?" The German, who did not at all disapprove of +the ingredients, assented to the proposal, and seemed to relish the +composition; while the marquis, being asked by the painter which +of the sillykickabys he chose, was, in consequence of his desire, +accommodated with a portion of the soup-maigre; and the count, +in lieu of spoon meat, of which he said he was no great admirer, +supplied himself with a pigeon, therein conforming to the choice of +our young gentleman, whose example he determined to follow through +the whole course of the entertainment. + +The Frenchman, having swallowed the first spoonful, made a full +pause, his throat swelled as if an egg had stuck in his gullet, +his eyes rolled, and his mouth underwent a series of involuntary +contractions and dilations. Pallet, who looked steadfastly at this +connoisseur, with a view of consulting his taste, before he himself +would venture upon the soup, began to be disturbed at these emotions, +and observed, with some concern, that the poor gentleman seemed to +be going into a fit; when Peregrine assured him, that these were +symptoms of ecstacy, and, for further confirmation, asked the marquis +how he found the soup. It was with infinite difficulty that his +complaisance could so far master his disgust, as to enable him to +answer, "altogether excellent, upon my honour!" and the painter, +being certified of his approbation, lifted the spoon to his mouth +without scruple; but far from justifying the eulogium of his taster, +when this precious composition diffused itself upon his palate, he +seemed to be deprived of all sense and motion, and sat like the +leaden statue of some river god, with the liquor flowing out at both +sides of his mouth. + +The doctor, alarmed at this indecent phenomenon, earnestly inquired +into the cause of it; and when Pallet recovered his recollection, +and swore that he would rather swallow porridge made of burning +brimstone than such an infernal mess as that which he had tasted, +the physician, in his own vindication, assured the company, that, +except the usual ingredients, he had mixed nothing in the soup but +some sal ammoniac, instead of the ancient nitrum, which could not now +be procured; and appealed to the marquis, whether such a succedaneum +was not an improvement on the whole. The unfortunate petit maître, +driven to the extremity of his condescension, acknowledged it to +be a masterly refinement; and deeming himself obliged, in point of +honour, to evince his sentiments by his practice, forced a few more +mouthfuls of this disagreeable potion down his throat, till his +stomach was so much offended, that he was compelled to start up of +a sudden; and, in the hurry of his elevation, overturned his plate +into the bosom of the baron. The emergency of his occasions would not +permit him to stay and make apologies for this abrupt behaviour; so +that he flew into another apartment, where Pickle found him puking, +and crossing himself with great devotion; and a chair, at his desire, +being brought to the door, he slipped into it more dead than alive, +conjuring his friend Pickle to make his peace with the company, and +in particular excuse him to the baron, on account of the violent +fit of illness with which he had been seized. It was not without +reason that he employed a mediator; for when our hero returned to +the dining-room, the German had got up, and was under the hands +of his own lacquey, who wiped the grease from a rich embroidered +waistcoat, while he, almost frantic with his misfortune, stamped +upon the ground, and in High Dutch cursed the unlucky banquet, +and the impertinent entertainer, who all this time, with great +deliberation, consoled him for the disaster, by assuring him, that +the damage might be repaired with some oil of turpentine and a hot +iron. Peregrine, who could scarce refrain from laughing in his face, +appeased his indignation, by telling him how much the whole company, +and especially the marquis, was mortified at the accident; and the +unhappy salacacabia being removed, the places were filled with two +pyes, one of dormice, liquored with syrup of white poppies, which the +doctor had substituted in the room of roasted poppy-seed, formerly +eaten with honey, as a dessert; and the other composed of a hock of +pork baked in honey. + +Pallet, hearing the first of these dishes described, lifted up +his hands and eyes, and, with signs of loathing and amazement, +pronounced, "A pye made of dormice and syrup of poppies! Lord +in heaven! what beastly fellows those Romans were!" His friend +checked him for his irreverent exclamation with a severe look, and +recommended the veal, of which he himself cheerfully ate, with +such encomiums to the company, that the baron resolved to imitate +his example, after having called for a bumper of Burgundy, which +the physician, for his sake, wished to have been the true wine of +Falernum. The painter, seeing nothing else upon the table which he +would venture to touch, made a merit of necessity, and had recourse +to the veal also; although he could not help saying, that he would +not give one slice of the roast beef of Old England for all the +dainties of a Roman emperor's table. But all the doctor's invitations +and assurances could not prevail upon his guests to honour the +hashis and the goose; and that course was succeeded by another, in +which he told them there were divers of those dishes, which, +among the ancients, had obtained the appellation of _politeles_, or +magnificent. "That which smokes in the middle", said he, "is a sow's +stomach, filled with a composition of minced pork, hog's brains, +eggs, pepper, cloves, garlic, aniseed, rue, ginger, oil, wine, and +pickle. On the right-hand side are the teats and belly of a sow, just +farrowed, fried with sweet wine, oil, flour, lovage, and pepper. +On the left is a fricassee of snails, fed, or rather purged, with +milk. At that end next Mr. Pallet, are fritters of pompions, lovage, +origanum, and oil; and here are a couple of pullets, roasted and +stuffed in the manner of Apicius." + +[Illustration] + +The painter, who had by wry faces testified his abhorrence of the +sow's stomach, which he compared to a bagpipe, and the snails which +had undergone purgation, no sooner heard him mention the roasted +pullets, than he eagerly solicited a wing of the fowl; upon which +the doctor desired he would take the trouble of cutting them up, and +accordingly sent them round, while Mr. Pallet tucked the table-cloth +under his chin, and brandished his knife and fork with singular +address; but scarce were they set down before him, when the tears ran +down his cheeks, and he called aloud, in manifest disorder,--"Zounds! +this is the essence of a whole bed of garlic!" That he might not, +however, disappoint or disgrace the entertainer, he applied his +instruments to one of the birds; and, when he opened up the cavity, +was assaulted by such an irruption of intolerable smells, that, +without staying to disengage himself from the cloth, he sprung away, +with an exclamation of "Lord Jesus!" and involved the whole table in +havoc, ruin, and confusion. + +Before Pickle could accomplish his escape, he was sauced with +a syrup of the dormice pye, which went to pieces in the general +wreck: and as for the Italian count, he was overwhelmed by the sow's +stomach, which, bursting in the fall, discharged its contents upon +his leg and thigh, and scalded him so miserably, that he shrieked +with anguish, and grinned with a most ghastly and horrible aspect. + +The baron, who sat secure without the vortex of this tumult, was +not at all displeased at seeing his companions involved in such a +calamity as that which he had already shared; but the doctor was +confounded with shame and vexation. After having prescribed an +application of oil to the count's leg, he expressed his sorrow for +the misadventure, which he openly ascribed to want of taste and +prudence in the painter, who did not think proper to return, and +make an apology in person; and protested that there was nothing in +the fowls which could give offence to a sensible nose, the stuffing +being a mixture of pepper, lovage, and assafœtida, and the sauce +consisting of wine and herring-pickle, which he had used instead of +the celebrated _garum_ of the Romans; that famous pickle having been +prepared sometimes of the _scombri_, which were a sort of tunny fish, +and sometimes of the _silurus_, or shad fish; nay, he observed, that +there was a third kind called _garum hæmation_, made of the guts, +gills, and blood of the _thynnus_. + +The physician, finding it would be impracticable to re-establish the +order of the banquet, by presenting again the dishes which had been +discomposed, ordered every thing to be removed, a clean cloth to be +laid, and the dessert to be brought in. + +Meanwhile, he regretted his incapacity to give them a specimen of the +_alieus_, or fish-meals of the ancients, such as the _jus diabaton_, +the conger-eel, which, in Galen's opinion, is hard of digestion; the +_cornuta_, or gurnard, described by Pliny in his Natural History, who +says, the horns of many were a foot and a half in length; the mullet +and lamprey, that were in the highest estimation of old, of which +last Julius Cæsar borrowed six thousand for one triumphal supper. He +observed, that the manner of dressing them was described by Horace, +in the account he gives of the entertainment to which Mæcenas was +invited by the epicure Nasiedenus, + + Affertur squillas inter muræna natantes, &c. + +and told them, that they were commonly eaten with the _thus +Syriacum_, a certain anodyne and astringent seed, which qualified the +purgative nature of the fish. Finally, this learned physician gave +them to understand, that, though this was reckoned a luxurious dish +in the zenith of the Roman taste, it was by no means comparable, in +point of expense, to some preparations in vogue about the time of +that absurd voluptuary Heliogabalus, who ordered the brains of six +hundred ostriches to be compounded in one mess. + +By this time the dessert appeared, and the company were not +a little rejoiced to see plain olives in salt and water: but +what the master of the feast valued himself upon was a sort of +jelly, which he affirmed to be preferable to the _hypotrimma_ of +Hesychius, being a mixture of vinegar, pickle, and honey, boiled to +a proper consistence, and candied assafœtida, which he asserted, +in contradiction to Aumelbergius and Lister, was no other than the +_laser Syriacum_, so precious as to be sold among the ancients to +the weight of a silver penny. The gentlemen took his word for the +excellency of this gum, but contented themselves with the olives, +which gave such an agreeable relish to the wine, that they seemed +very well disposed to console themselves for the disgraces they +had endured; and Pickle, unwilling to lose the least circumstance +of entertainment that could be enjoyed in their company, went +in quest of the painter, who remained in his penitentials in +another apartment, and could not be persuaded to re-enter the +banqueting-room, until Peregrine undertook to procure his pardon from +those whom he had injured. Having assured him of this indulgence, +our young gentleman led him in like a criminal, bowing on all hands +with an air of humility and contrition; and particularly addressing +himself to the count, to whom he swore in English, as God was his +Saviour, he had no intent to affront man, woman, or child; but +was fain to make the best of his way, that he might not give the +honourable company cause of offence, by obeying the dictates of +nature in their presence. + +When Pickle interpreted this apology to the Italian, Pallet was +forgiven in very polite terms, and even received into favour by his +friend the doctor, in consequence of our hero's intercession; so +that all the guests forgot their chagrin, and paid their respects so +piously to the bottle, that, in a short time, the champaign produced +very evident effects in the behaviour of all present. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VII. + + THE DUEL. + + _A Scene from "Peregrine Pickle."_ + + +The painter betook himself to the house of the Flemish Raphael, and +the rest of the company went back to their lodgings; where Peregrine, +taking the advantage of being alone with the physician, recapitulated +all the affronts he had sustained from the painter's petulance, +aggravating every circumstance of the disgrace, and advising him, in +the capacity of a friend, to take care of his honour, which could not +fail to suffer in the opinion of the world, if he allowed himself to +be insulted with impunity by one so much his inferior in every degree +of consideration. + +The physician assured him, that Pallet had hitherto escaped +chastisement, by being deemed an object unworthy his resentment, and +in consideration of the wretch's family, for which his compassion +was interested; but that repeated injuries would inflame the most +benevolent disposition; and although he could find no precedent of +duelling among the Greeks and Romans, whom he considered as the +patterns of demeanour, Pallet should no longer avail himself of +his veneration for the ancients, but be punished for the very next +offence he should commit. + +Having thus spirited up the doctor to a resolution from which he +could not decently swerve, our adventurer acted the incendiary with +the other party also; giving him to understand, that the physician +treated his character with such contempt, and behaved to him with +such insolence, as no gentleman ought to bear: that, for his own +part, he was every day put out of countenance by their mutual +animosity, which appeared in nothing but vulgar expressions, more +becoming shoe-boys and oyster-women than men of honour and education; +and therefore he should be obliged, contrary to his inclination, to +break off all correspondence with them both, if they would not fall +upon some method to retrieve the dignity of their characters. + +These representations would have had little effect upon the timidity +of the painter, who was likewise too much of a Grecian to approve +of single combat, in any other way than that of boxing, an exercise +in which he was well skilled, had they not been accompanied with an +insinuation, that his antagonist was no Hector, and that he might +humble him into any concession, without running the least personal +risk. Animated by this assurance, our second Rubens set the trumpet +of defiance to his mouth, swore he valued not his life a rush, when +his honour was concerned, and entreated Mr. Pickle to be the bearer +of a challenge, which he would instantly commit to writing. + +The mischievous fomenter highly applauded this manifestation of +courage, by which he was at liberty to cultivate his friendship +and society, but declined the office of carrying the billet, that +his tenderness of Pallet's reputation might not be misinterpreted +into an officious desire of promoting quarrels. At the same time he +recommended Tom Pipes, not only as a very proper messenger on this +occasion, but also as a trusty second in the field. The magnanimous +painter took his advice, and, retiring to his chamber, penned a +challenge in these terms.-- + + 'SIR,--When I am heartily provoked, I fear not the devil himself; + much less----I will not call you a pedantic coxcomb, nor an + unmannerly fellow, because these are the hippythets of the wulgar: + but, remember, such as you are, I nyther love you nor fear you; + but, on the contrary, expect satisfaction for your audacious + behaviour to me on divers occasions; and will, this evening, in + the twilight, meet you on the ramparts with sword and pistol, + where the Lord have mercy on the soul of one of us, for your body + shall find no favour with your incensed defier, till death. + + 'LAYMAN PALLET.' + +This resolute defiance, after having been submitted to the perusal, +and honoured with the approbation of our youth, was committed to the +charge of Pipes, who, according to his orders, delivered it in the +afternoon; and brought for answer, that the physician would attend +him at the appointed time and place. The challenger was evidently +discomposed at the unexpected news of this acceptance, and ran +about the house in great disorder, in quest of Peregrine, to beg +his further advice and assistance: but understanding that the youth +was engaged in private with his adversary, he began to suspect some +collusion, and cursed himself for his folly and precipitation. He +even entertained some thoughts of retracting his invitation, and +submitting to the triumph of his antagonist: but before he would +stoop to this opprobrious condescension, he resolved to try another +expedient, which might be the means of saving both his character and +person. In this hope he visited Mr. Jolter, and very gravely desired +he would be so good as to undertake the office of his second in a +duel which he was to fight that evening with the physician. + +The governor, instead of answering his expectation, in expressing +fear and concern, and breaking forth into exclamations of, 'Good God! +gentlemen! what d'ye mean? You shall not murder one another while it is +in my power to prevent your purpose. I will go directly to the governor +of the place, who shall interpose his authority.' I say, instead of +these and other friendly menaces of prevention, Jolter heard the +proposal with the most phlegmatic tranquillity, and excused himself +from accepting the honour intended for him, on account of his character +and situation, which would not permit him to be concerned in any such +rencounters. Indeed this mortifying reception was owing to a previous +hint from Peregrine, who, dreading some sort of interruption from his +governor, had made him acquainted with his design, and assured him, +that the affair should not be brought to any dangerous issue. + +Thus disappointed, the dejected challenger was overwhelmed with +perplexity and dismay; and, in the terrors of death or mutilation, +resolved to deprecate the wrath of his enemy, and conform to any +submission he should propose, when he was accidentally encountered by +our adventurer, who, with demonstrations of infinite satisfaction, +told him, in confidence, that his billet had thrown the doctor into +an agony of consternation; that his acceptance of his challenge was +a mere effort of despair, calculated to confound the ferocity of +the sender, and dispose him to listen to terms of accommodation; +that he had imparted the letter to him, with fear and trembling, on +pretence of engaging him as a second, but, in reality, with a view +of obtaining his good offices in promoting a reconciliation; 'but +perceiving the situation of his mind,' added our hero, 'I thought +it would be more for your honour to baffle his expectation, and +therefore I readily undertook the task of attending him to the +field, in full assurance that he will there humble himself before +you, even to prostration. In this security you may go and prepare +your arms, and bespeak the assistance of Pipes, who will 'squire +you to the field, while I keep myself up, that our correspondence +may not be suspected by the physician.' Pallet's spirits, that were +sunk to dejection, rose at this encouragement to all the insolence +of triumph; he again declared his contempt of danger; and his +pistols being loaded and accommodated with new flints, by his trusty +armour-bearer, he waited, without flinching, for the hour of battle. + +On the first approach of twilight, somebody knocked at his door, +and Pipes having opened it at his desire, he heard the voice of his +antagonist pronounce,--'Tell Mr. Pallet, that I am going to the place +of appointment.' The painter was not a little surprised at this +anticipation, which so ill agreed with the information he had received +from Pickle; and his concern beginning to recur, he fortified himself +with a large bumper of brandy, which, however, did not overcome the +anxiety of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he set out on the expedition +with his second, betwixt whom and himself the following dialogue +passed, in their way to the ramparts.--'Mr. Pipes,' said the painter, +with disordered accent, 'methinks the doctor was in a pestilent hurry +with that message of his.'--'Ey, ey,' answered Tom, 'I do suppose he +longs to be foul of you.' 'What!' replied the other,'d'ye think he +thirsts after my blood?' 'To be sure a does,' (said Pipes, thrusting +a large quid of tobacco into his cheek with great deliberation). +'If that be the case,' cried Pallet, beginning to shake, 'he is no +better than a cannibal, and no Christian ought to fight him on +equal footing.' Tom observing his emotion, eyed him with a frown of +indignation, saying, 'You an't afraid, are you?' 'God forbid!' replied +the challenger, stammering with fear, 'what should I be afraid of? the +worst he can do is to take my life, and then he'll be answerable both +to God and man for the murder: don't you think he will?'--'I think no +such matter,' answered the second: 'if so be as how he puts a brace of +bullets through your bows, and kills you fairly, it is no more murder +than if I was to bring down a noddy from the main-top-sail-yard.' By +this time Pallet's teeth shattered with such violence, that he could +scarce pronounce this reply.--'Mr. Thomas, you seem to make very light +of a man's life; but I trust in the Almighty I shall not be so easily +brought down. Sure many a man has fought a duel without losing his +life. Do you imagine that I run such a hazard of falling by the hand of +my adversary?' 'You may or you may not,' said the unconcerned Pipes, +'just as it happens. What then! death is a debt that every man owes, +according to the song; and if you set foot to foot, I think one of +you must go to pot.' 'Foot to foot!' exclaimed the terrified painter, +'that's downright butchery; and I'll be damned before I fight any man +on earth in such a barbarous way. What! d'ye take me to be a savage +beast?' This declaration he made while they ascended the ramparts. His +attendant, perceiving the physician and his second at the distance of +an hundred paces before them, gave him notice of their appearance, +and advised him to make ready, and behave like a man. Pallet in vain +endeavoured to conceal his panic, which discovered itself in an +universal trepidation of body, and the lamentable tone in which he +answered this exhortation of Pipes, saying,--'I do behave like a man; +but you would have me act the part of a brute.--Are they coming this +way?' When Tom told him that they had faced about, and admonished him +to advance, the nerves of his arm refused their office, he could not +hold out his pistol, and instead of going forward, retreated with an +insensibility of motion; till Pipes, placing himself in the rear, set +his own back to that of his principal, and swore he should not budge an +inch farther in that direction. + +While the valet thus tutored the painter, his master enjoyed the +terrors of the physician, which were more ridiculous than those +of Pallet, because he was more intent upon disguising them. His +declaration to Pickle in the morning would not suffer him to start +any objections when he received the challenge; and finding that the +young gentleman made no offer of mediating the affair, but rather +congratulated him on the occasion, when he communicated the painter's +billet, all his efforts consisted in oblique hints, and general +reflexions, upon the absurdity of duelling, which was first introduced +among civilized nations by the barbarous Huns and Longobards. He +likewise pretended to ridicule the use of fire-arms, which confounded +all the distinctions of skill and address, and deprived a combatant of +the opportunity of signalizing his personal prowess. + +Pickle assented to the justness of his observations; but, at the +same time, represented the necessity of complying with the customs +of this world (ridiculous as they were), on which a man's honour and +reputation depend. So that, seeing no hopes of profiting by that +artifice, the republican's agitation became more and more remarkable; +and he proposed, in plain terms, that they should contend in armour, +like the combatants of ancient days; for it was but reasonable, that +they should practise the manner of fighting, since they adopted the +disposition of those iron times. + +Nothing could have afforded more diversion to our hero than the +sight of two such duellists cased in iron; and he wished that he +had promoted the quarrel in Brussels, where he could have hired the +armour of Charles the Fifth, and the valiant Duke of Parma, for their +accommodation; but as there was no possibility of furnishing them +cap-à-pee at Antwerp, he persuaded him to conform to the modern use +of the sword, and meet the painter on his own terms; and suspecting +that his fear would supply him with other excuses for declining +the combat, he comforted him with some distant insinuations, to +the prejudice of his adversary's courage, which would, in all +probability, evaporate before any mischief could happen. + +Notwithstanding this encouragement, he could not suppress the +reluctance with which he went to the field, and cast many a wishful +look over his left shoulder, to see whether or not his adversary was +at his heels. When, by the advice of his second, he took possession of +the ground, and turned about with his face to the enemy, it was not so +dark, but that Peregrine could perceive the unusual paleness of his +countenance, and the sweat standing in large drops upon his forehead; +nay, there was a manifest disorder in his speech, when he regretted +his want of the _pila_ and _parma_, with which he would have made a +rattling noise, to astonish his foe, in springing forward, and singing +the hymn to battle, in the manner of the ancients. + +In the mean time, observing the hesitation of his antagonist, who, far +from advancing, seemed to recoil, and even struggle with his second, +he guessed the situation of the painter's thoughts, and collecting +all the manhood that he possessed, seized the opportunity of profiting +by his enemy's consternation. Striking his sword and pistol together, +he advanced in a sort of a trot, raising a loud howl, in which he +repeated, in lieu of the Spartan song, part of the strophe from one of +Pindar's Pythia, beginning with _ek theon gar mekanai pasai Broteais +aretais_, &c. This imitation of the Greeks had all the desired effect +upon the painter, who seeing the physician running towards him like a +fury, with a pistol in his right hand, which was extended, and hearing +the dreadful yell he uttered, and the outlandish words he produced, was +seized with an universal palsy of his limbs. He would have dropped down +upon the ground, had not Pipes supported and encouraged him to stand +upon his defence. The doctor, contrary to his expectation, finding +that he had not flinched from the spot, though he had now performed +one half of his career, put in practice the last effort, by firing his +pistol, the noise of which no sooner reached the ears of the affrighted +painter, than he recommended his soul to God, and roared for mercy with +great vociferation. + +[Illustration] + +The republican, overjoyed at this exclamation, commanded him to yield, +and surrender his arms, on pain of immediate death; upon which he threw +away his pistols and sword, in spite of all the admonitions and even +threats of his second, who left him to his fate, and went up to his +master, stopping his nose with signs of loathing and abhorrence. + +The victor, having won the _spolia opima_, granted him his life, +on condition that he would on his knees supplicate his pardon, +acknowledging him inferior to his conqueror in every virtue and +qualification, and promise for the future to merit his favour by +submission and respect. These insolent terms were readily embraced +by the unfortunate challenger, who fairly owned, that he was not +at all calculated for the purposes of war, and that henceforth he +would contend with no weapon but his pencil. He begged, with great +humility, that Mr. Pickle would not think the worse of his morals for +this defect of courage, which was a natural infirmity inherited from +his father, and suspend his opinion of his talents, until he should +have an opportunity of contemplating the charms of his Cleopatra, +which would be finished in less than three months. + +Our hero observed, with an affected air of displeasure, that no +man could be justly condemned for being subject to the impressions +of fear; and therefore his cowardice might easily be forgiven: but +there was something so presumptuous, dishonest, and disingenuous, +in arrogating a quality to which he knew he had not the smallest +pretension, that he could not forget his misbehaviour all at once, +though he would condescend to communicate with him as formerly, +in hopes of seeing a reformation in his conduct. Pallet protested +that there was no dissimulation in the case: for he was ignorant +of his own weakness, until his resolution was put to the trial: he +faithfully promised to demean himself, during the remaining part of +the tour, with that conscious modesty and penitence which became +a person in his condition: and, for the present, implored the +assistance of Mr. Pipes, in disembarrassing him from the disagreeable +consequence of his fear. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT VIII. + + THE QUACK DOCTOR. + + +The town of Ashbourn, being a great thoroughfare to Buxton Wells, to +the High-peak, and many parts of the North; and being inhabited by +many substantial people concerned in the mines, and having also three +or four of the greatest horse-fairs in that part of England, every +year; is a very populous town. + +There appeared at Ashbourn, for some market-days, a very +extraordinary person, in a character, and with an equipage, somewhat +singular and paradoxical: this was one Dr. Stubbs, a physician +of the itinerant kind. The doctor came to town on horseback, yet +dressed in a plaid night gown and red velvet cap. He had a small +reading-desk fixed upon the pummel of his saddle, that supported a +large folio, in which, by the help of a monstrous pair of spectacles, +the doctor seemed to read, as the horse moved slowly on, with a +profound attention. A portmanteau behind him contained his cargo of +sovereign medicines, which, as brick-dust was probably the principal +ingredient, must have been no small burden to his lean steed. + +The 'squire, or assistant, led the doctor's horse slowly along, in a +dress less solemn, but not less remarkable, than that of his master. + +The doctor, from his Rozinante, attended by his merry-andrew (mounted +on a horse-block before the principal inn), had just begun to +harangue the multitude, and the speech with which he introduced +himself each market-day was to this effect-- + +"My friends and countrymen! you have frequently been imposed upon, no +doubt, by quacks and ignorant pretenders to the noble art of physic; +who, in order to gain your attention, have boasted of their many +years' travels into foreign parts, and even the most remote regions +of the habitable globe. One has been physician to the Sophi of +Persia, to the Great Mogul, or the Empress of Russia; and displayed +his skill at Moscow, Constantinople, Delhi, or Ispahan. Another, +perhaps, has been tooth-drawer to the king of Morocco, or corn-cutter +to the sultan of Egypt, or to the grand Turk; or has administered a +clyster to the queen of Trebisond, or to Prester John, or the Lord +knows who--as if the wandering about from place to place (supposing +it to be true) could make a man a jot the wiser. No, gentlemen, don't +be imposed upon by pompous words and magnificent pretensions. He that +goes abroad a fool will come home a coxcomb. + +"Gentlemen! I am no High German or unborn doctor--But here I am--your +own countryman--your fellow subject--your neighbour, as I may say. +Why, gentlemen, eminent as I am now become, I was born but at +Coventry, where my mother now lives--Mary Stubbs by name. + +"One thing, indeed, I must boast of, without which I would not +presume to practise the sublime art and mystery of physic. I am the +seventh son of a seventh son. Seven days was I before I sucked the +breast. Seven months before I was seen to laugh or cry. Seven years +before I was heard to utter seven words; and twice seven years have +I studied, night and day, for the benefit of you, my friends and +countrymen: and now here I am, ready to assist the afflicted, and to +cure all manner of diseases, past, present, and to come; and that +out of pure love to my country and fellow creatures, without fee or +reward--except a trifling gratuity, the prime cost of my medicines; +or what you may choose voluntarily to contribute hereafter, out of +gratitude for the great benefit, which, I am convinced, you will +receive from the use of them. + +"But come, gentlemen, here is my famous,[1]Anti-febri-fuge Tincture; +that cures all internal disorders whatsoever; the whole bottle for +one poor shilling. + +"Here's my Cataplasma Diabolicum, or my Diabolical Cataplasm; +that will cure all external disorders, cuts, bruises, contusions, +excoriations, and dislocations; and all for sixpence. + +"But here, gentlemen, here's my famous Balsamum Stubbianum, or Dr. +Stubbs's Sovereign Balsam; renowned over the whole Christian world, +as an universal remedy, which no family ought to be without: it will +keep seven years, and--be as good as it is now. Here's this large +bottle, gentlemen, for the trifling sum of eighteen-pence. + +"I am aware that your physical gentlemen here have called me quack, +and ignorant pretender, and the like. But here I am.--Let Dr. Pestle +or Dr. Clyster come forth. I challenge the whole faculty of the town +of Ashbourn, to appear before this good company, and dispute with me +in seven languages, ancient or modern; in Latin, Greek, or Hebrew--in +High-Dutch, French, Italian, or Portuguese. Let them ask me any +question in Hebrew or Arabic, and then it will appear who are men of +solid learning, and who are quacks and ignorant pretenders. + +"You see, gentlemen, I challenge them to a fair trial of skill, but +not one of them dares show his face; they confess their ignorance by +their silence. + +"But come, gentlemen, who buys my elixir Cephalicum, Asthmaticum, +Arthriticum, Diureticum, Emeticum, Diaphoriticum, Nephriticum, +Catharticum.--Come, gentlemen, seize the golden opportunity, whilst +health is so cheaply to be purchased." + +After having disposed of a few packets, the doctor told the company, +that as this was the last time of his appearing at Ashbourn (other +parts of the kingdom claiming a part in his patriotic labours), +he was determined to make a present to all those who had been his +patients, of a shilling a-piece. He therefore called upon all those +who could produce any one of Dr. Stubbs's bottles, pill-boxes, +plaisters, or even his hand-bills, to make their appearance, and +partake of his generosity. + +This produced no small degree of expectation amongst those that had +been the doctor's customers, who gathered round him, with their hands +stretched out, and with wishful looks. "Here, gentlemen," says the +doctor, "stand forth! hold up your hands. I promised to give you a +shilling a-piece. I will immediately perform my promise. Here's my +Balsamum Stubbianum; which I have hitherto sold at eighteen-pence the +bottle, you shall now have it for sixpence." + +"Come! gemmen," says the merry-andrew, "where are you? Be quick! +Don't stand in your own light. You'll never have such another +opportunity--as long as you live." + +The people looked upon each other with an air of disappointment. +Some shook their heads, some grinned at the conceit, and others +uttered their execrations--some few, however, who had been unwilling +to throw away eighteen-pence upon the experiment, ventured to give +a single sixpence; and the doctor picked up eight or nine shillings +more by this stratagem, which was more than the intrinsic value of +his horse-load of medicines. + +[Illustration] + +This egregious quack conceiving that he had now squeezed the last +farthing out of his audience, commenced his retreat from the crowd +with his usual solemnity of deportment, and mock-heroic dignity; +when a sly countryman, who had stood near him for some time, and had +listened with a less than ordinary portion of credulity, nay, who +had, indeed, more than once lifted up his eyes in token of disbelief, +and curved his mouth into an arch of humourous contempt--raised a +pitchfork which he had been leaning upon, and urged it into the +posterior of the poor beast, who was condemned to crawl underneath +the Doctor and his baggage.--This Rozinante no sooner felt the +insidious prick, than, bent on revenge, she raised her heels with +deadly intent; but in order to raise her heels, the old creature +found it necessary to lower her head, when the Doctor took that +opportunity, which to say the truth, he could not avoid, of toppling +over her shoulders. While the medical gentleman was performing his +somerset in the air, amidst a shower of his own bottles, to the +manifest delight of the multitude, who shouted and screamed with +joy, and pelted him with stones, and mud, and filth--purely out of +the extacy of their gratification, another well disposed patient +taking advantage of the moment, presented a besom to the Merry +Andrew, and fairly swept him from the horse-block, on which he was +capering, among his master's bottles, gallipots, and nostrums, which +now bestrewed the pavement.--After a few minutes floundering, the +faithful pair regained their legs, and gathering up the remnants of +their trade, retreated to their inn with all convenient speed, amidst +the huzzas and laughter of the mob. + +[Illustration] + +FOOTNOTE: + +[1] A celebrated quack made this blunder; that is, in plain English, +a tincture that will bring on a fever. + + + + + POINT IX. + + A NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS. + + _A Scene from "Les Barons de Felsheim."_ + + +One evening that those heroes, the Baron of Felsheim and Brandt, +were reclined on their beds, beginning to drink freely, relating +their high feats, and, with becoming modesty, comparing themselves to +nothing less than an Eugene or a Marlborough, Brandt was on a sudden +struck with a sort of inspiration.--"We are very comfortable here," +said he to the Baron.--"Very well indeed," replied Ferdinand XV. with +a slight symptom of ebriety.--"No more guard at night."--"No longer +compelled to drink water."--"No more black bread, Colonel."--"No +more Frenchmen, Brandt, though we beat them sometimes, eh?"--"Aye, +but with the loss of an eye."--"And my poor arm, you have not forgot +that?"--"No more than I have your leg."--"My leg, my leg, ah! that +was a sad affair."--"Your health, Colonel." "Your's, Brandt."--"I +foresee but one little accident, my Lord, that can disturb our +present felicity."--"What's that?"--"O nothing, a mere trifle.--I +was thinking that the good Jews of Franckfort may, if they please, +turn the Baron of Felsheim out of his own castle."--"Faith! I had +forgot those scoundrels;" answered the Baron, drinking a bumper; +"however, you shall go to Franckfort to-morrow morning, collect the +rabble together, and bring them here. I will receive them in that +famous tower, where Witikind, with only thirty Saxons, stopped, for +three days, an army of one hundred thousand men, led by Charlemagne +in person. The place will inspire them with that veneration for my +person which its shattered state no longer enforces." "I will go, +Colonel."--"If they are reasonable--we will pay them."--"If they are +not--we must sabre them."--"That is well said, Brandt,--bravo!"--"Let +us drink, Colonel."--"With all my heart."-- + +The next morning, at break of day, Brandt saddled his horse, +gallopped towards Franckfort, assembled the Israelites, imparted to +them the good intentions of his master, appointed a day the Colonel +would be ready to receive them, and then returned to the castle. + +The punctuality of a good soldier to be at his post in the hour of +battle, of a lover in keeping the first appointment of his mistress, or +of a courtier at the levee, is not to be compared with the precision +of a Jew, who has money to receive. Those of Franckfort arrived on the +appointed day, at the appointed hour, and long before the Baron had +slept himself sober. Brandt went to inform him of the arrival of his +creditors, assisted him in putting on a dressing-gown of blue velvet +lined with green stuff, which descended from Ferdinand XIII. and which +Ferdinand XIV. had never worn but to give his public audiences; tied +his sabre over the said gown, placed his double-barrelled pistols +in his belt, combed his whiskers, and put a white cap over that of +dirty brown, which he commonly wore. The Baron, thus accoutred, came +forth from his bed-chamber, leaning on his Squire's shoulder; walked +majestically through two rows, formed by his creditors, and was +followed by them to the tower of Witikind. + +[Illustration] + +After depositing, on a worm-eaten table, his naked sword and his +pistols, the Baron seated himself in an immense arm-chair, stroked +his whiskers, and spoke in the following terms:-- + +"Rogues that you are; I have summoned you here to free myself from +your importunities."--The Jews made a profound reverence. "I have +served the descendant of Cæsar, who is no better than the descendant of +Witikind:--but, no matter, I have served him. I have been in want of +money, and have subscribed to your own terms; now I hold the purse, and +dictate in my turn. I will give you half what I owe you, provided you +sign a receipt for the whole." The Jews were shocked at this proposal, +and were about to expostulate, but Brandt, giving them a fierce look, +imposed silence, and the Baron repeated his offer. The creditors shook +their heads, in token of discontent. Ferdinand XV. swore, by his +ancestors, that he would cause all the bailiffs, who should dare to +approach his castle, to be thrown into the ditch, and Brandt swore, +by Prince Eugene, that he would immediately treat the Saxon Jews, as +the Arabian Jews had treated the Amalekites, if they did not agree to +a compromise; on saying which, he brandished his sabre over the heads +of the Israelites, who continued, however, unintimidated. A Jew has no +fear for his head, when he trembles for his money. + +The Baron began to be uneasy, swore between his teeth, and was a +little embarrassed, when Brandt, who loved gentle means as well as +any body, when he found nothing else would succeed, advised the +Colonel to leave the room, took up the pistols, went out himself by +a postern door, threatened to blow out the brains of the first who +should dare to move, and shut up the Israelites in the tower. + +Although they passed a great part of the day without food, they still +continued obstinate. At length their physical thirst equalled their +thirst for gold, and they endeavoured to move the iron bars, which +Ferdinand XI. had fixed to the windows. The relentless Brandt, who +was armed with a double-barrelled gun, and who kept a sharp look-out, +opposed himself so warmly to their attempt that they were obliged +to abandon it. They then asked for quarter, but Brandt's only reply +was, "Will you take the half of your money?" The Jews signified their +dissent by withdrawing from the window. + +When night approached, Brandt, fearing to be surprised, lighted a +fire at the foot of the tower, and he and the Jews spent the hours in +watching each other's motions. The next morning, the prisoners began +to feel the cravings of nature, and one of them demanded a parley. +"Will you have half?" was again the demand of the inflexible Brandt. +"We will take two thirds," said a voice. Brandt pretended not to hear +it, and continued to walk to and fro, with his musket on his shoulder. + +At twelve o'clock, the Jews, no longer able to resist the hunger +which tormented them, requested another conference; and, with seeming +reluctance, agreed to take the half of their debt. "You shall have +but one third," replied Brandt; "and, if you do not capitulate +instantly, you shall have nothing." About four, a Jew, almost +fainting, said, "Give us the half."--"You shall have but a quarter," +said Brandt. "Well, let us conclude for a quarter," replied the +Israelite: "there are Christians possessed of less mercy than Jews." + +Brandt ran immediately to fetch some paper and a small ink-stand, +tied the whole at the end of a long pole, which he presented to the +prisoners, and ordered them to give a receipt for three parts of the +debt, which was executed instantly, and he received it back by the +same conveyance. He carried this valuable acquisition to the Baron, +from whom he received a small bag of imperial florins, came back to +the tower, paid the remaining quarter, and was particularly careful +in obtaining the title-deeds. He then conducted the Jews to the door, +with great civility, and they departed, wishing him most heartily at +the devil. + +By way of rejoicing, for the very economical manner in which the +Baron had discharged his debts, Brandt placed upon the table a large +piece of smoked bacon, and an old cock roasted; and it was agreed, +for once, that they should begin to drink at five o'clock, even at +the risk of not finding their way to bed until the next morning. + +[Illustration] + + + + + POINT X. + + _A Scene from Shakspeare._ + + + _Enter Fluellen and Gower._ + +_Gow._ Nay, that's right: but why wear you your leek to day? St. +David's day is past. + +_Flu._ There is occasions and causes why and wherefore in all things; +I will tell you as a friend, Captain Gower; the rascally, scauld, +beggarly, lowsie, pragging knave Pistol, which you and yourself and +all the world know to be no petter than a fellow (look you now) of no +merits; he is come to me and prings me pread and salt yesterday, look +you, and bid me eat my leek. It was in a place where I could breed no +contentions with him; but I will be so pold as to wear it in my cap, +till I see him once again; and then I will tell him a little piece of +my desires. + + _Enter Pistol._ + +_Gow._ Why, here he comes, swelling like a Turky-cock. + +_Flu._ 'Tis no matter for his swelling, nor his Turky-cocks. God +plesse you, aunchient Pistol: you scurvy, lowsie knave, God plesse +you. + + _Pist._ Ha! art thou bedlam? dost thou thirst, base Trojan, + To have me fold up Parca's fatal web? + Hence, I am qualmish at the smell of leek. + +[Illustration] + +_Flu._ I peseech you heartily, scurvy, lowsie knave, at my desires, +and my requests, and my petitions, to eat, look you, this leek: +because, look you, you do not love it; and your affections, and your +appetites, and your digestions, does not agree with it; I would +desire you to eat it. + +_Pist._ Not for Cadwallader and all his goats. + + _Flu._ There is one goat for you, [_Strikes him._ + Will you be so good, scald knave, as eat it? + +_Pist._ Base Trojan, thou shalt die. + +_Flu._ You say very true, scald knave, when God's will is: I will +desire you to live in the mean time and eat your victuals; come, +there is sawce for it---- [_Strikes him_] You call'd me yesterday, +Mountain-Squire, but I will make you to day a Squire of low degree. I +pray you, fall to; if you can mock a leek, you can eat a leek. + +_Gow._ Enough, captain; you have astonish'd him. + +_Flu._ I say, I will make him eat some part of my leek, or I will +peat his pate four days and four nights. Pite, I pray you; it is good +for your green wound and your ploody coxcomb. + +_Pist._ Must I bite? + +_Flu._ Yes, out of doubt, and out of questions too, and ambiguities. + +_Pist._ By this leek, I will most horribly revenge; I eat and +swear---- + +_Flu._ Eat, I pray you; will you have some more sawce to your leek? +there is not enough leek to swear by. + +_Pist._ Quiet thy cudgel; thou dost see, I eat. + +_Flu._ Much good do you, scald knave, heartily. Nay, pray you, throw +none away, the skin is good for your proken coxcomb: when you take +occasions to see leeks hereafter, I pray you, mock at 'em, that's all. + +_Pist._ Good. + +_Flu._ Ay, leeks is good; hold you, there is a groat to heal your +pate. + +_Pist._ Me a groat! + +_Flu._ Yes, verily, and in truth, you shall take it; or I have +another leek in my pocket, which you shall eat. + +_Pist._ I take thy groat in earnest of revenge. + +_Flu._ If I owe you any thing, I will pay you in cudgels; you shall +be a woodmonger, and buy nothing of me but cudgels; God pe wi' you, +and keep you, and heal your pate. + + [_Exit._ + +_Pist._ All hell shall stir for this. + + +_Gow._ Go, go, you are a counterfeit cowardly knave: will you mock at +an antient tradition, began upon an honourable respect, and worn as a +memorable trophy of predeceased valour, and dare not avouch in your +deeds any of your words? I have seen you gleeking and galling at this +gentleman twice or thrice. You thought, because he could not speak +English in the native garb, he could not therefore handle an English +cudgel; you find it otherwise; and henceforth let a Welsh correction +teach you a good English condition: fare you well. + + [_Exit._ + +[Illustration] + + + + + =Works Illustrated by George Cruikshank.= + + PUBLISHED BY JAMES ROBINS AND CO. + + + GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Collected by MM. GRIMM, from Oral Tradition. Fourth Edition, with 12 + Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'This Book ought to be in the possession of the man as a + curiosity, and of the child as an amusement.'--New Monthly + Magazine. + + + A SECOND VOLUME OF GERMAN POPULAR STORIES, + + Illustrated by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, price 7s. + + 'Of the first volume of this entertaining publication we spoke + very favorably; and what with the German varieties in this + sequel of well known nursery tales, and the clever designs of + George Cruikshank, certain it is that volume the second deserves + almost equal praise.'--Literary Gazette. + + + POINTS OF HUMOUR, + +Illustrated by a Series of Designs, by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, on Copper and +Wood. Parts 1 and 2, Royal 8vo. price 8s.; coloured 12s. 6d.: and India + proofs 12s. 6d. each. + + + GREENWICH HOSPITAL, + +A Series of NAVAL SKETCHES, descriptive of the Life of a +Man-of-War's-Man, by an OLD SAILOR. Printed in demy 4to. with Twelve +characteristic Illustrations on Copper by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, coloured +in Costume, in addition to numerous Engravings on Wood, price One +Guinea, boards. + + 'In compliment to the inexhaustible talent and drollery of + George Cruikshank, we have put this article at the head of our + department of the Fine Arts; and it well deserves that grace. + Yet it must not be fancied that we mean to derogate from the + literary merits of the "Old Sailor," whose Smollet-like humour + and genuine nautical characteristics so often occupied that + portion of the Literary Gazette in which we endeavour to lighten + and enliven its graver pages. Indeed, these Tales (or the far + greater number of them) now so cleverly brought together, + were originally printed in our columns, where they obtained + so much popularity, as to lead to their being republished in + this collected form, with the addition of the artist's merry, + grotesque, and laughable designs.'--Literary Gazette. + + + MORE MORNINGS AT BOW STREET, + +A New Series of the most humorous and entertaining Reports, by JOHN +WIGHT, of the Morning Herald. With a Frontispiece and twenty-five +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. 10s. 6d. A few copies are printed +on India paper, price 15s. + + India and plain impressions of the Cuts may be had separately, price + 10s. 6d. and 6s. + + + TALES OF IRISH LIFE, + +Illustrative of the Manners, Customs, and Condition of the People, +collected during a residence of several years in various parts of +Ireland, with Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In 2 vols. price 12s. + + 'There is much matter worthy of earnest national attention in + these fictions; while, at the same time, they are characteristic + and amusing.'--Literary Gazette. + + 'The designs of George Cruikshank, in this work, are sufficient + to render any tales immortal.'--British Press. + + 'A hue of nature pervades them--an air of reality invests + them;--life, actual life, is stamped upon the incidents and upon + the characters.'--Dublin Morning Register. + + 'These volumes are calculated to do much good.'--Dublin and + London Magazine. + + 'We recommend the whole to the perusal of our readers, as highly + worthy of their attention.'--Critical Gazette. + + + HANS OF ICELAND, + + A Tale, with four highly finished Etchings by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. Price + 7s. 6d. + + 'Some say this monster was a witch, + Some say he was a devil.'--Dragon of Wantley. + + 'Really Hans of Iceland is altogether one of the best + productions of its class which we have seen. There is a power + about it resembling one of Fuseli's pictures, and Cruikshank's + designs are capital.'--Literary Gazette. + + + THE HUMOURIST; + +A Chaste Collection of Entertaining Tales, Anecdotes, Epigrams, Witty +Sayings, &c. Original and Selected. Embellished with Forty coloured +Plates, Drawn and Engraved by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. In Four Volumes, 5s. +each. + + + ECCENTRIC TALES, + +From the German of W. F. VON KOSEWITZ. Embellished with twenty coloured +Illustrations by GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, from Sketches by ALFRED CROWQUILL. + Price 15s. + + + MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF LORD BYRON, + +by GEO. CLINTON, ESQ. with a Portrait and Forty illustrations, by +GEO. CRUIKSHANK. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes: + + +Obvious punctuation and spelling errors have been fixed throughout. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Points of Humour, Part II (of II), by Anonymous + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44572 *** |