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diff --git a/44179-h/44179-h.htm b/44179-h/44179-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcfaa28 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/44179-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2836 @@ + +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + +<head> + +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, February 17, 1915.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +<!-- + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + +p {text-align: justify;} + +p.author {margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;} + +p.center {text-align: center;} + +p.indent {text-indent: 1.5em;} + +blockquote {text-align: justify;} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + +pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + +hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + +html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + +hr.full {width: 100%;} + +html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + +hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + +html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + +.note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;} + +.poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + +.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + +.poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + +.figure {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figcenter {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figright {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figleft {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figure img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figcenter img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figright img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figleft img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figure p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figcenter p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figright p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figleft p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} .figure p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figright p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figleft p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter {margin: auto;} + +.figright {float: right;} + +.figleft {float: left;} + +--> + +span.cursive {font-family: "Blackmoor LET", cursive;} + +div.tnote { + border-style: dotted; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + padding: 1%; + font-style: normal; + font-size: 90%; + text-align: justify; +} +</style> + +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 ***</div> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 148.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>February 17th 1915.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span></p> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p class="indent">The Turks are now reported to be +retiring through the desert, and the +Germans are realising that you may +take a horse to the place where there's +no water, but you cannot make him +drink.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">"Rapid progress," we read, "is being +made in the American movement to +supply soldiers at the battle fronts in +Europe with Bibles printed in their +own languages." We trust that one +will be supplied to the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>, who, +if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid +it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Suggested title for Germany and her +allies—The Hunseatic League.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i>, +talking of the proposed +blockade, says, "The dance +will begin on February 18." +Germania's toe may not be +light, but it is fantastic.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">You may know a man by +the company he keeps. The +<span class="smcap">Kaiser's</span> friends are now +the Jolly Roger and Sir +<span class="smcap">Roger Casement</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Messrs. <span class="smcap">Hagenbeck</span>, of +Hamburg, are sending +Major <span class="smcap">Mehring</span>, the German +Commandant at Valenciennes, +an elephant. So +we may expect shortly to +be told by wireless that a +large Indian body has gone +over to the Germans.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Earl <span class="smcap">Grey</span>, speaking at Newcastle +on the War, said that a German passenger +on the <i>Vaterland</i> remarked to +him, "Can you wonder that we hunger? +We have been hungry for two hundred +years and only had one satisfying meal—in +1870. We have become hungry +again." The pity, of course, is that +so few Germans can eat quite like +gentlemen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed +their body belts "the dado +round the dining-room." In the whirligig +of fashion the freeze is now being +ousted by its predecessor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Much of the credit for the admirable +feeding of our Expeditionary Force is +due, we learn, to Brigadier-General +<span class="smcap">Long</span>, the Director of Supplies. As +a caustic Tommy, pointing to his +"dining-room," remarked, "one wants +but little here below, but wants that +little Long."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The <i>Deutsche Tageszeitung</i> informs +its readers that "the men of the +North Lancashire Regiment recently +attempted to force a swarm of bees to +attack German soldiers, but the bees +turned on the British and severely +stung one hundred and twenty of them." +After this success it is reported that +the Death's Head Hussars are adopting +a wasp as a regimental pet.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Talking of regimental pets, the lucky +recipient of Princess <span class="smcap">Mary's</span> Christmas +gift that was packed by the <span class="smcap">Queen</span> is +Private <span class="smcap">Pet</span>, of the Leinster Regiment.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">With reference to the private view +of a collapsible hut at the College of +Ambulance last week it is only fair to +say that there is good reason to believe +that not a few of those already +erected will shortly come under this +description.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Russian Minister of Finance, +<span class="smcap">M. Bark</span>, paid a visit to this country +last week, and it is rumoured that he +had an interview with another financial +magnate, Mr. <span class="smcap">Beit</span>, with a view to +forming an ideal combination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Says an advertisement of the Blue +Cross Fund:—"All horses cared for. +Nationality not considered." This +must save the Fund's interpreters a +good deal of trouble.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Corporation of the City of London +reports that diminished lighting, +so far from increasing the dangers of +the City streets, has reduced them, +the accidents during the past quarter +being only 331 as compared with 375 +a year ago. However, a proposal +that the lights shall now be entirely +extinguished with a view to reducing +the casualties to <i>nil</i> has not yet been +adopted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">A gentleman has written to <i>The +Globe</i> to complain that at Charing +Cross Station there are signs printed +in German indicating the whereabouts +of the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. +We certainly think that, while we are +at war, these ought, so as to confuse +the enemy, to point in wrong directions.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Germany is now suffering from +extreme cold, and the advice to German +housewives to cook potatoes in their +jackets is presumably a measure of +humanity.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">To Mr. <span class="smcap">Watt's</span> enquiry in the House +as to how many German submarines +had been destroyed, Mr. <span class="smcap">Churchill</span> +replied, "The German Government +has made no return." +Let us hope that +this is true also of a good +few of the submarines.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><i>Der Tag</i>, it is announced, +is to be withdrawn from +the Coliseum. They could +do with it, we believe, in +Germany.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Theatrical folk will be +interested to hear that in +the Eastern Theatre of +War there has been furious +fighting for the passes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/121.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Turk.</i> "<span class="smcap">I say, you fellows! Do you see the other Allies +are pooling their Funds? Capital idea!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The power of Great Britain +and her Allies was increasing +daily in strength, whereas the +power of her enemies was distinctly +on the wane. The existing +situation had been brought +about without the vest resources of the Empire +having yet been called in to play."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Are we to understand, that, so far, we +have only called out the socks and +body-belts?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"There is but one survival among the +historic shows of the [Crystal] Palace—a +portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking +one another 'What next?'</p> + +<p class="indent">A meeting of the directors of the Crystal +Palace Football Club is to be summoned to +decide on a course of action."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>The Evening News.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Without wishing to be needlessly +offensive to either of these bodies, we +venture to suggest that they should +combine their deliberations.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"If ... England and France keep the +police of the sea with the utmost vigilance, so +that no copper at all can reach Germany and +Austria, the fate of both Empires seems +certain."—<i>Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The land police must be guarded even +more vigorously if "no copper at all" +is to slip over.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span></p> + +<h2>THE GODS OF GERMANY.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his +country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be permitted +to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious life of Germany."]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends!</p> +<p class="i2">From East and West the heretic comes swooping,</p> +<p>But all in vain his impious strength he spends</p> +<p class="i2">If you refuse to let him catch you stooping;</p> +<p class="i4">All goes serenely up to date;</p> +<p class="i4">Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Deutschland—that beacon in the general night—</p> +<p class="i2">Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in,</p> +<p>Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right,</p> +<p class="i2">Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin;</p> +<p class="i4">O let us, in this wicked war,</p> +<p class="i4">Stick tight to Odin and to Thor!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Over our race these gods renew their reign;</p> +<p class="i2">For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing;</p> +<p>Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane</p> +<p class="i2">Attest the force of your religious feeling;</p> +<p class="i4">Not Thor's own hammer could have made</p> +<p class="i4">A better job of this crusade.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>In such a cause all ye that lose your breath</p> +<p class="i2">Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla;</p> +<p>And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death,</p> +<p class="i2">The fresh young houri promised you by Allah;</p> +<p class="i4">Between the two—that chance and this—</p> +<p class="i4">Your Heaven should be hard to miss.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE PASSPORT.</h2> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Your nose?" she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes," I said, "my nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. +It is Sir <span class="smcap">Edward Grey</span>, the—ahem—Secretary of State +for Foreign Affairs. In the midst of all his tremendous +duties he still has time to ask me to tell him what my +nose is like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney +Hatch. Will somebody tell me what this man is talking +about?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is +no mystery about it."</p> + +<p class="indent">"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see +it with the naked eye."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to +go to France. Therefore I may want a passport. I am +now filling in an application for it, and I find to my regret +that I have got to give details of my personal appearance, +including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all you can +do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? +Is it even wifely?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"But why can't you describe it yourself?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know +about his own nose? He only sees it full-face for a few +minutes every morning when he's shaving or parting his +hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile the +dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his +best to forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, +I haven't the vaguest notion what my nose is really like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down +as a loud blower and a hearty sneezer."</p> + +<p class="indent">"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span>. He doesn't want to know what it sounds like, but +what it looks like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Ye—es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean +delicate——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I don't," she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome."</p> + +<p class="indent">"It isn't," she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' +do? Aren't some noses called aquiline?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. +Try again."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me +that my nose is turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do +not want to have a turned-up nose, and what's more I don't +mean to have one, not even to please the British Foreign +Office and all its permanent officials."</p> + +<p class="indent">"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a +Roman nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I +dipped my pen and prepared to write the word down in the +blank space on the application form.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. +Now that I look at you again I'm not sure that yours +is a Roman nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting +things. It must, it shall be Roman."</p> + +<p class="indent">"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half +so Roman as mine. It is the noblest Roman of them all."</p> + +<p class="indent">"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass +it as Roman."</p> + +<p class="indent">"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Green," said Francesca.</p> + +<p class="indent">"No, grey."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Green."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Grey."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Let's compromise on grey-green."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span> will appreciate that. Oh, bother! I've written it in +the space devoted to 'hair.' However it's easy to——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. +I've often wondered what I ought to say about your hair, +and now I know. Oh, my grey-green-and-gentle-haired +one!"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what +about my eyes?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's +done."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. +Now I know what it is to have a real helper. Complexion +next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good word for complexion?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes, for some."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've +noticed that people who fill up blank spaces always use the +word 'normal' at least once. I shall call my complexion +normal and get it over."</p> + +<p class="indent">After this there was no further difficulty. I took the +remaining blank spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes +the application form was filled up. Having then secured a +clergyman who consented to guarantee my personal respectability +and having attached two photographs of myself I +packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have +not yet had any special acknowledgment from Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span>, but I take this opportunity to warn the French +authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a non-Roman +nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and +a normal complexion may be seeking admission to their +country.</p> + +<p class="author">R. C. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt=""/> +<h3>THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Teuton Troubadour</span> (<i>serenading the fair Columbia</i>). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN TO MY LOVE-SONGS, +I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/125.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Bright Youth.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes, I'm thinkin' of gettin' a commission in something. What about joinin' that crowd with the jolly +little red tabs on their collars? They look so doocid smart.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<p class="center">XII.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">My dear Charles</span>,—It must be upwards +of a month since you heard from +me; I trust you have had sleepless +nights in consequence. To be honest, +I am still in England, prepared to go +out at a moment's notice, sworn to +go, medically approved, equipped and +trained to go, but (my one weakness) +never in fact going. War, of course, is +not open to any member of the public +who cares to turn up on the field and +proffer his entrance-money; it is an +invitation show, and we have not yet +received our cards.</p> + +<p class="indent">Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon +is an intensely personal affair, and +who interested himself in it from the +purely private motives of the patriot, +in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, +or in the wicked caprice of the +law-abiding civilian lusting to travel +abroad without a ticket, go shooting +without a licence and dabble in manslaughter +without the subsequent expense +of briefing counsel,—poor old +Tolley sees a personal slight in this, +and is quite sure that K. has a down +on all of us and on himself in particular. +He has no difficulty in conceiving +of the Olympians at the War Office +spending five working days and the +Saturday half-day in deciding what +they shall do about US; writing round +to our acquaintances for our references: +"Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober and +willing, punctual in his habits, clean in +his appearance, an early riser and a +good plain warrior?" and receiving +under confidential cover unfavourable +answers; and at night in his dreams +he sees the <span class="smcap">Secretary for War</span> pondering +over our regimental photo and +telling himself that there are some +likely-looking fellows in the front row, +but you never know what they have +got hidden away in the middle; counting +up the heads and murmuring, as he +wonders when he shall send us out, +"This year, next year, some time—never."</p> + +<p class="indent">But you, Charles, must be patient +with us, supporting us with your good +will and opinion, and replying to all +who remark upon the progress of the +Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its +way, but you wait till Henry gets out +and then you'll see <i>some</i> war."</p> + +<p class="indent">Meanwhile the soldier's life continues +with us very much after the manner of +the schoolboy's. We all pretend to +ourselves that we are now on terms of +complete mutual understanding with +the C.O. and the Adjutant, but none +the less we all study their expressions +with great care before we declare ourselves +at breakfast. There are times +for jesting and there are times for not +jesting; it goes by seasons, fair and +stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's +face is a barometer. In my wilder and +more dangerous moods I have felt +tempted to tap it and see if I couldn't +effect an atmospheric change. (In +the name of goodness, I adjure you, +Charles, not to leave this letter lying +about; if it gets into print I shall lose +all my half-holidays for the next three +years or the duration of the War.)</p> + +<p class="indent">The other morning I was come for, +that is to say I was proceeding comfortably +with my breakfast at 7.55, +when I was touched on the shoulder +and told that the C.O. would be glad +to see me (or rather, <i>would</i> see me) at +orderly room at eight, a thing which, +by the grace of Heaven and the continual +exercise of low cunning on my +part, has never happened to me before. +At least they might have told me what +I had done, thought I, as I ran to my +fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, +and improvising a line of +defence applicable to any crime. Believe +me, the dock is a haven of rest +and security compared with orderly, or +ordeal, room.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> +When my turn came I advanced to +the table of inquisition, came smartly +to attention, saluted, cleared my throat +and said, "Sir!" (The correctness of +this account is not guaranteed by any +bureau.) I then cleared my throat +again and said, "Sir, it was like this." +The C.O. looked slightly nonplussed; +the Adjutant, who in all his long experience +of crime had never before seen +the accused open his mouth, began to +open his own. So I pushed on with +it. "My defence is this: in the first +place I did not do it. I wasn't there +at the time, and if I had been I +shouldn't have done it. In the second +place I did it inadvertently. In the +third place it was not a wrong thing +to do; and in the fourth place I am +prepared to make the most ample +apology, to have the same inserted in +three newspapers, and to promise never +to do it again."</p> + +<p class="indent">Orderly room was by now thoroughly +restive. "If you take a serious view +of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me +now and have done with it. Do not +keep me waiting till dawn, for I am +always at my worst and most irritable +before breakfast."</p> + +<p class="indent">When I paused for breath they took +the opportunity to inform me, rather +curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for +in order to be appointed to look after +the rations and billets of a party of +sixteen officers proceeding to a distance +that same day, and I was to dispose +accordingly. "If I had known that +was all," I said to myself, "I'd have +had my second piece of toast while it +was still lukewarm." I then withdrew, +by request. I found upon enquiry of +the Sergeant-Major, who knows all +things, that the party was to travel by +circuitous routes and arrive at 7.5 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, +whereas I, travelling <i>viâ</i> London, might +arrive at 5 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, and so have two odd +hours to prepare a home and food for +them. So into the train I got, and +there of all people struck the C.O. himself, +proceeding townwards on duty. +In the course of the journey I made it +clear to him that, if his boots required +licking, I was the man for the job.</p> + +<p class="indent">He smiled indulgently. "Referring to +that second piece of toast," he began.</p> + +<p class="indent">I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, +it is nothing," said I.</p> + +<p class="indent">"When we arrive in London," he +said, "you will lunch with me." I protested +that the honour was enormous, +but I was to arrive in London at 1.30 +and must needs proceed at 1.50.</p> + +<p class="indent">"You will lunch with me," he pursued, +adding significantly as I still +protested, "at the Savoy."</p> + +<p class="indent">After further argument, "It is the +soldier's duty to obey," I said, and we +enquired at St. Pancras as to later +trains. The conclusion of the matter +was that by exerting duress upon my +taxidriver I just caught the 4.17, which +got me to —— at 7.15, ten minutes +after the hungry and houseless sixteen.</p> + +<p class="indent">You don't think this is particularly +funny; well, no more did the sixteen. +But it was a very, very happy luncheon. +Remember that we have subsisted on +ration beef and ration everything else +for some months, and you will believe +me when I tell you that, upon seeing +a menu in French (our dear allies!), +opening with <i>crème</i> and concluding +with <i>Jacques</i>, we told the waiter to +remove the programme and give us the +foodstuffs. "Start at the beginning," +said the C.O., "and keep on at it till +you reach the end. Then stop."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop, Sir?" I asked.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all +over again" ... and so when we got +to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, +"Sir, if I may, your very good health," +meaning thereby that I forgave him +not only all the harsh things he has +said to me in the past, but even all the +harsher things he proposes to say to +me in the future.</p> + +<p class="indent">From the monotony of training we +have only occasional relief in the actual, +as for instance when we are kept out of +bed all night, Zepping. But this is a +poor game, Charles; there is not nearly +enough sport in it to satisfy the desires +of a company of enthusiasts, armed +with a rifle and a hundred rounds of +ball ammunition apiece. We feel that +the officer of the day, who inspects the +shooting party at 9.30 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> and then +sends it off about its business, is trifling +with tragic matter when he tells us: +"Now, remember; no hens!"</p> + +<p class="author">Yours ever, <span class="smcap">Henry</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt=""/> +<h3>LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Shirker.</i> "<span class="smcap">Nice bird! Say 'Polly scratch a poll!'</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Bird.</i> "<span class="smcap">Johnny, get your gun!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The battle that has been raging for +several months has now ended in a distinct +triumph for the high-necked corsage."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Tatler.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Good. Now we can devote our attention +to the other war on the Continent.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/127.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Village Wit</i> (<i>to victim of ill-timed revelry</i>). "<span class="smcap">Wotcher, William? How was Joffer when you left?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OXFORD IN WAR TIME.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Who that beheld her robed in May</p> +<p class="i2">Could guess the change that six months later</p> +<p>Has brought such wondrous disarray</p> +<p class="i4">Upon his <i>alma mater?</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Distracted by a world-wide strife,</p> +<p class="i2">The calm routine of study ceases;</p> +<p>And Oxford's academic life</p> +<p class="i4">Is broken all to pieces.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No more the intellectual youth</p> +<p class="i2">Feeds on perpetual paradoxes;</p> +<p>No longer in the quest of truth</p> +<p class="i4">The mental compass boxes.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Gone are the old luxurious days</p> +<p class="i2">When, always craving something subtler,</p> +<p>To <span class="smcap">Bergson's</span> metaphysic maze</p> +<p class="i4">He turned from <span class="smcap">Samuel Butler</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Linked by the brotherhood of arms</p> +<p class="i2">All jarring coteries are blended;</p> +<p>Mere cleverness no longer charms;</p> +<p class="i4">The cult of Blues is ended.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The boats are of their crews bereft;</p> +<p class="i2">The parks are given up to training;</p> +<p>The scanty hundreds who are left</p> +<p class="i4">All at the leash are straining.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And grave professors, making light</p> +<p class="i2">Of all the load of <i>anno domini</i>,</p> +<p>Devote the day to drill, the night</p> +<p class="i4">To <span class="smcap">Clausewitz</span> and <span class="smcap">Jomini</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>While those who feel too old to fight</p> +<p class="i2">Full nobly with the pen are serving</p> +<p>To weld conflicting views of right</p> +<p class="i4">In one resolve unswerving.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No more can essayists inveigh</p> +<p class="i2">Against the youth of Oxford, slighting</p> +<p>Her "young barbarians all at play,"</p> +<p class="i4">When nine in ten are fighting,</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And some, the goodliest and the best,</p> +<p class="i2">Beloved of comrades and commanders,</p> +<p>Have passed untimely to their rest</p> +<p class="i4">Upon the plains of <span class="smcap">Flanders</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No; when two thousand of her sons</p> +<p class="i2">Are mustered under Freedom's banner,</p> +<p>None can declaim—except the Huns—</p> +<p class="i4">Against the Oxford manner.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For lo! amid her spires and streams,</p> +<p class="i2">The lure of cloistered ease forsaking,</p> +<p>The dreamer, noble in her dreams,</p> +<p class="i4">Is nobler in her waking.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"Lest we forget."</p> + +<p class="indent">In these days, when we have to be +thankful that our country has not, like +Belgium and France, been overrun by +savages, the greater mercies we receive +are apt to obscure the less. But +Swansea does not forget the smaller +mercies. According to a recent issue +of <i>The South Wales Daily Post</i>, "The +Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the +second time to St. Nicholas' Church, +Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday +evening next, at 6.30, when the directors, +committee and the two full teams +have promised to attend the service, +that, in the words of the Rev. <span class="smcap">Percy +Weston</span>, will be in the nature of a +"thanksgiving service for their good +fortune against Newcastle United"."</p> + +<p class="indent">Our compliments to the Rev. <span class="smcap">Percy +Weston</span>, pastor of this pious and +patriot flock.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span></p> + +<h2>WHAT I DEDUCED.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">By a German Governess</span>.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, +having as large a sale in Germany as <i>What +I Found Out</i>, by an English Governess, is +having in this country.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">I shall never forget my arrival at +the house of my new employers. Into +the circumstances which forced me to +earn my living as a governess in a +strange country I need not now go. +Sufficient that I had obtained a situation +in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an +Englishman of high position living in +one of the most fashionable suburbs of +London. "Chez Nous," The Grove, +Cricklewood, was the address of my +new home, and thither on that memorable +afternoon I wended my way.</p> + +<p class="indent">"The master and mistress are out," +said the maid. "Perhaps you would +like to go straight to the nursery and +see the children?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Thank you," I said, and followed +her upstairs. Little did I imagine the +amazing scene which was to follow!</p> + +<p class="indent">In the nursery my two little charges +were playing with soldiers; a tall and +apparently young man was lying on +the floor beside them. At my entrance +he scrambled to his feet.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop the battle a moment," he said, +"while we interrogate the invader."</p> + +<p class="indent">"I am Fräulein Schmidt," I introduced +myself, "the new governess."</p> + +<p class="indent">"And I," he said with a bow, "am +Lord Kitchener. You have arrived +just in time. Another five minutes +and I should have wiped out the German +army."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you +wouldn't," shouted one of the boys.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was Lord Kitchener! He had +shaved off his heavy moustache, and +by so doing had given himself a deceptive +appearance of youth, but there +could be no doubt about his identity. +Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great +English War Lord! In the light of +after-events, how instructive was this +first meeting!</p> + +<p class="indent">"What is the game?" I asked, +hiding my feelings under a smile. +"England against Germany?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"England and Scotland and Ireland +and Australia and a few others. We +have ransacked the nursery and raked +them all in."</p> + +<p class="indent">So even at this time England had +conceived the perfidious idea of forcing +her colonies to fight for her!</p> + +<p class="indent">"And some Indian soldiers?" I +asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid +Bengal Lancers. It struck me even +then as very significant; and it is now +seen to be proof that for years previously +England had been plotting an +invasion of the Fatherland with a +swarm of black mercenaries.</p> + +<p class="indent">Lord Kitchener evidently saw what +was in my mind, and immediately +exerted all his well-known charm to +efface the impression he had created.</p> + +<p class="indent">"You mustn't think," he said with a +smile, "that the policy of the Cabinet +is in any way affected by what goes on +at 'Chez Nous.' Although Sir Edward +Grey and I——"</p> + +<p class="indent">He broke off suddenly, and, in the +light of what has happened since, very +suspiciously.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Have you had any tea?" he asked. +His relations with the notorious Grey +were evidently not to be disclosed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">I met Lord Kitchener on one other +occasion, but it is only since England +forced this war upon Europe that I +have seen that second meeting in its +proper light.</p> + +<p class="indent">I had been out shopping, and when +I came back I found him in the garden +playing with the children. We talked +for a little on unimportant matters, and +then I saw his eye wandering from me +to the drawing-room. A soldier had +just stepped through the open windows +on to the lawn.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny."</p> + +<p class="indent">As the latter came up Lord Kitchener +smacked him warmly on the back.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Well," he said, "my martial friend, +how many Germans have you killed?" +Then seeing that his friend appeared a +little awkward he introduced him to +me. "Fräulein Schmidt, this is one +of our most famous warriors—Sir +John French."</p> + +<p class="indent">I could see that Sir John French +was taken aback. He had evidently +come down to discuss secretly the plan +of campaign against a defenceless and +utterly surprised Germany, which their +friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, was +to put in motion—and forthwith a +German governess had been let into the +secret! No wonder he was annoyed! +"You silly ass," he muttered, and +became very red and confused.</p> + +<p class="indent">Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed.</p> + +<p class="indent">"It's all right," he said; "Fräulein +Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk quite +freely in front of her."</p> + +<p class="indent">It was the typical British attitude +of contempt for the possible enemy. +But General French showed all that +stubborn caution which was afterwards +to mark his handling of the British +mercenaries, and which is about to cost +him so dearly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't be a fool, Horace," he +mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable silence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived +with them, was a most interesting old +lady. She seemed to be in the secrets +of all the Royal Family and other +highly placed personages, and told me +many interesting things about them. +"Ah, my dear," she would say, "they +tell us in the papers that King George +is shooting at Windsor, but——" and +then she would nod her head mysteriously. +"He's a <i>working</i> king," she +went on after a little. "He doesn't +waste his time on <i>sport</i>." In the light +of after-events it is probable that she +was right; and that when His Majesty +George the Fifth was supposed to +be at Windsor he was in reality in +Belgium, looking out for sites for the +notorious British siege-guns which +have murdered so many of our brave soldiers.</p> + +<p class="indent">In this connection I must relate one +extraordinary incident. Young Mrs. +Brigsworth had an album of celebrated +people in the British political and +social world. She was herself distantly +connected, she told me, through her +mother's people, with several well-known +Society families, and it interested +her to collect these photographs and +paste them into a book. One day she +was showing me her album, and I +noticed that, on coming to a certain +page, she turned hurriedly over, and +began explaining a group on the next +page very volubly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"What was that last one?" I asked. +"Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, that was nothing," she said +quickly. "I didn't know I had that +one; I must throw it away."</p> + +<p class="indent">However, she had not been quick +enough. I had seen the photograph; +and events which have happened since +have made it one of extraordinary +significance.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was a photograph of the First +Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in +bathing costume!</p> + +<p class="indent">As soon as I was left alone I turned +to the photograph. "The First Lord +amuses himself on his holiday" were +the words beneath it. "Amuses himself!" +Can there be any doubt in the +mind of an impartial German that +even then England had decided to +violate the neutrality of Belgium, and +that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, +examining the possibilities of +Ostend as a base for submarines?</p> + +<p class="indent">No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had +hurriedly turned over the page!</p> + +<p class="author">A. A. M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"When the war was declared, 25,000 +Bedouins were recruited in Hebrun, but they +were without food for three days and returned +to their homes saying this was not a Holy +War."—<i>Peshawar Daily News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Their actual words were: "This is +a——" well, <i>not</i> a Holy War.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/129.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Art Patron (to R.A.).</i> "<span class="smcap">We've lost so much since the War that we've come to ask if you wouldn't like to keep this +portrait of my wife as Cleopatra.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CHALK AND FLINT.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Comes there now a mighty rally</p> +<p class="i2">From the weald and from the coast,</p> +<p>Down from cliff and up from valley,</p> +<p class="i2">Spirits of an ancient host;</p> +<p>Castle grey and village mellow,</p> +<p class="i2">Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold,</p> +<p>Crumbling church and cracked martello</p> +<p class="i2">Echo to this chant of old—</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the valiant days of old!</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Screaming gull and lark a-singing,</p> +<p class="i2">Bubbling brook and booming sea,</p> +<p>Church and cattle bells a-ringing</p> +<p class="i2">Swell the ghostly melody;</p> +<p>"Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye,</p> +<p class="i2">Mingling with our dust below!</p> +<p>Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye</p> +<p class="i2">This our chant of long ago!"</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman,</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the days of long ago!</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Hills that heed not Time or weather,</p> +<p class="i2">Sussex down and Kentish lane,</p> +<p>Roads that wind through marsh and heather</p> +<p class="i2">Feel the mail-shod feet again;</p> +<p>Chalk and flint their dead are giving—</p> +<p class="i2">Spectres grim and spectres bold—</p> +<p>Marching on to cheer the living</p> +<p class="i2">With their battle-chant of old—</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman,</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Witness Norman! Witness Roman!</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the valiant days of old.</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?"</p> + +<p class="indent">Those who wish to give practical expression to the +approval of the scheme for raising Military Bands to +encourage recruiting—the subject of one of <i>Mr. Punch's</i> +cartoons of last week—are earnestly invited to send contributions +to the <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> at the Mansion House. +Further information may be obtained at the offices of +"Recruiting Bands," 16, Regent Street, S.W.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">From a schoolboy's essay on the War:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of +the official War-bread.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Alas! what boots it with incessant care</p> +<p>To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="author"><i>Milton: "Lycidas."</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/130.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Bobbie</i> (<i>as his father exhibits his new Volunteer uniform</i>). "<span class="smcap">Well! Mother—I say! This brings war home to us, doesn't it</span>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.</h2> + +<p class="indent">Many of the other papers have a +Personal Column. Why should not +<i>Mr. Punch</i> have one?</p> + +<p class="indent">He shall.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">MLLE. FORGETMÉNOT bien arrivée +à Londres le 14 Février. Où +est M. Valentin?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">K.—Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly +brke. Try yr uncl.—M.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">JEHOSHAPHAT.—Will all Jehoshaphats +combine to send bridge tables to +the Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, +limited to £10 each, should +be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., +25, Sun Row, Chelsea.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">FLORENCE.—I was there and waited +from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do +this often as I have tendency to pneumonia.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">WILL anyone lend young man £500 +on note of hand alone to enable him +to procure clothes in which to present +himself at recruiting office? Nothing +but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps +him from enlisting.—Box 41, Office of +this paper.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">FOUND in neighbourhood of the +Adelphi.—An Iron Cross, evidently +awarded by the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>. Initials upon +it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously +invited to apply for it in person.—E. G., +Foreign Office.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">SHIRTS for our troops at the Front +are still urgently needed. Please send +needles, cotton and material to Sister +Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, W.C. All +persons desiring to sing about her +activities should note that the song +is not published by Brothers Boosey +but by another firm.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, +between Acton and Blackheath, a +one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.—Anyone +returning the same to +X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive +1/- reward and no questions asked.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">SMITH.—Will everyone named Smith +at once send a sovereign to John +Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? +Patriotic purpose to which money will +be put will be explained later.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">WIFE of popular actor now serving +in France would much appreciate the +loan of a London house, with servants +and motor car thrown in.—Box 81, +Office of this paper.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">A.B.C.—Please make no further effort +to meet me. The depth of my loathing +for you can never be expressed in +words, at least not in this column.—J.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">POLLIES.—Will all the Pollies of +England kindly help a poor Polly to +continue her lessons in voice production.—Write +<span class="smcap">Polly</span>, 2, Birdcage Walk.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters +contain good vivid accounts of picturesque +occurrences at the Front. <i>The +Daily Inexactitude</i> places no limit on +the writer's imagination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust +health, who has failed in everything +he has yet undertaken and does not +approve of warfare, would like situation +as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to +wealthy absentee landowner.—Apply +Box 29, Office of this paper.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +The <i>Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger</i>, speaking of +the four Turks who succeeded in crossing the +Suez Canal and who have since been taken +prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the +four gallant Turkish swimmers will now do +good work in Egypt."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">We have no doubt that work will be +found for them and that the prison +authorities will shield them from the +dangers of a life of indulgent idleness.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/131.png" alt=""/> +<h3>SOUND AND FURY."</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Kaiser.</span> "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?"</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Admiral von Tirpitz.</span> "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE."</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Kaiser.</span> "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span></p> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Extracted from the Diary of +Toby, M.P.</span>)</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Commons, Monday, +8th February.</i>—Debate +on Army Estimates prefaced +by statement from <span class="smcap">Prime +Minister</span> casting gleam of +lurid light on a War of which +this is the 190th day. Answering +a question he said +the total number of British +Army casualties in the Western +area of the War is +approximately 104,000 of all +ranks. This, of course, does +not include the death-roll in +the Navy, a heavy tale of +losses due far more to mine +and submarine than to fair +fights on the open sea. But +standing alone it is not much +less than one-half of the +number of men, including +Militia, voted in the Waterloo year +now dead a century. Numerically +a trifle compared with the huge gaps +made in ranks of the enemy. Nevertheless +it represents sufficiently appalling +sacrifice, chargeable to the account +of one man's whim.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/133.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Exceeding the wildest dreams of Marlborough or Wellington.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Army Estimates for year, introduced +by <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> in a speech equally lucid +and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary +aspect. With an Army on +active service and in training exceeding +in number the wildest dreams of +<span class="smcap">Marlborough</span> or <span class="smcap">Wellington</span>, the +aggregate sum asked for is £15,000. +Seems odd since, as <span class="smcap">Under Secretary +for War</span> in interesting aside stated, +the Army costs more in a week than +the total estimate for the Waterloo +campaign, which stands on record at +the modest sum of £6,721,880.</p> + +<p class="indent">This only a little official joke designed +partly to relieve tension of critical +times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of +enemy. Idea of Germany cherished +at War Office is that she is a sort of +innocent Little Red Riding Hood +whose legitimate curiosity may be +evaded either by withholding information +or mystifying it by administration +of small doses dealt out at +safe intervals of time. Hence the +Press Bureau, which to-night came +in for rough handling from both +sides of House.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/133b.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Idea of Germany cherished at War +Office is that she is a sort of innocent +Little Red Ridinghood.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">If usual detailed account of expenditure +on Army were set forth, the +German General Staff would know +exactly what was in front of them in +respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible +little army" which seven +months ago embarked upon a crusade +more self-sacrificing, more glorious +than any recorded in the story of +Britain. Failing that, they naturally +know nothing and will go on blundering +in the dark.</p> + +<p class="indent">Accordingly Votes submitted to-night +were what the Treasury calls "token" +estimates, each thousand pounds of the +fifteen representing untold millions to +be expended on various services of the +War. On this understanding, +Committee, practically without +debate, amidst stern but +quietly expressed determination +to go on to the end at +whatever cost, voted an establishment +of three million +men.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Army Estimates +in Committee of +Supply.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tuesday.</i>—For first time +since reassembling House sat +up to closing hour, 11 o'clock. +Discussion of Army Estimates +resumed. Committee +has advantage of <span class="smcap">Walter +Long's</span> lead of Opposition. +Shrewd, tactful, conciliatory. +Among miscellaneous Questions +coming up was condition +of some of the huts +contracted for by War Office. +<span class="smcap">Walter Long</span> associated +himself with sharp criticism +offered from various quarters.</p> + +<p class="indent">The <span class="smcap">Member for Sark</span> regrets that +engagement out of town prevented his +taking part in the discussion.</p> + +<p class="indent">"I happen to know something at +first hand about the matter," he says. +"I spend my week-ends in a district +which, lying on direct route for the +Front, swarms with detachments of +recruits in training. In the late autumn, +huts were built for their accommodation. +Quite nice comfortable things +to look at. Some stand on desirable +sites overlooking land and sea.</p> + +<p class="indent">"All very well as long as autumn +weather lasted. But the winter told +another tale. Season exceptionally +wet. Sinful rottenness of these so-called +habitations speedily discovered. +Rain poured through the roofs as if +they were made of brown paper. +Nor was that all, though our poor +fellows found it sufficient. When +wind blew with any force it carried +the rain through the walls of the +huts, formed of thin laths, in some +cases overlapping each other by not +more than a quarter of an inch. +Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, +the men dressing for morning parade +found their khaki uniforms and +underclothing soaking wet. After +this had been stood for a week or ten +days, the huts were condemned and +the recruits billeted upon inhabitants +of neighbouring town.</p> + +<p class="indent">"This not mere gossip, you understand. +Circumstances simply related +to me by the men themselves, some interrupting +narrative with fits of coughing +inevitable result of nightly experience. +Nor were they complaining. +Just mentioned the matter as presumably +unavoidable episode in preliminary +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> +stage of career of men giving +up all and risking their lives to save +their country.</p> + +<p class="indent">"What I want to know is, What has +been done in particular cases such as +this that must have come under notice +of War Office? Have the contractors +got clear away without punishment, or +have they been made to disgorge? +<span class="smcap">Financial Secretary to War Office</span> +stated in course of debate that average +cost of these encampments amounted +to £13 per man. In cases where huts +are condemned, is the sorely-burdened +but cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding +the money all over again, or is the +peccant contractor made to stump up?"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Still harping on +Army Estimates.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Lords, Thursday.</i>—Death +of Lord <span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>, buried to-day +near his English home, Wynyard Park, +universally regretted. A strong Party +man, he had no personal enemies in the +Opposition ranks, whether in Lords or +Commons. Unlike some distinguished +Peers, notably Lord <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span>, he enjoyed +advantage, inestimable in public +life, of serving an apprenticeship in the +House of Commons, where he sat six +years for the Irish constituency which +his famous forebear represented in the +Irish Parliament. He was born into +politics. His earliest conviction, thorough +as were all he entertained, was +one of distrust for <span class="smcap">Don José</span>, who at +the time when he sat in the House of +Commons was carrying through the +country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised +Programme.</p> + +<p class="indent">This feeling later replaced by dislike +of <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, who in the year after +Lord <span class="smcap">Castlereagh</span>, at the age of thirty-two, +succeeded to the Marquisate, +brought in his Home Rule Bill.</p> + +<p class="indent">That was the turning point in +<span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>'s public life. Hitherto +he had toyed with politics as part of +the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat. +Thenceforward he devoted himself heart +and soul to withstanding the advance of +Home Rule, which he lived long enough +to see enacted, Death sparing him the +pang of living under its administration.</p> + +<p class="indent">In his devotion to the fighting line +rallied against Home Rule he was encouraged +and sustained by a power +behind the domestic throne perhaps, as +has happened in historical cases, more +dominant than its occupant. <i>Cherchez +la femme.</i> Londonderry House became +the spring and centre of an influence +that had considerable effect upon +political events during more than a +quarter of a century.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>'s cheery presence will +be missed in the Lords. His memory +will be cherished as that of one who +fought stoutly for causes sacred to a +large majority of his peers.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Premier</span> made +promised statement on subject of +food prices. Debate following was +adjourned.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/134.png" alt=""/> +<h3>WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h3> + +<p class="indent">1. "<span class="smcap">Ach! Himmel!—a shell!</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent">2. !!!</p> + +<p class="indent">3. "<span class="smcap">Great Krupps!—what is it?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A Flower of Speech.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"Mr. Asquith stated in the House of +Commons this afternoon that the Government +were considering taking more stringent +measures against German trade as a consequence +of the latter's fragrant breach of the +rules of war."—<i>Star.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Fragrant is the parliamentary way of +putting it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"German Togoland, whose aspirations towards +nationality have been again aroused by +the recent promises of the Czar, is destined to +be for us part of a new European state under +the protection of Russia."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Leader</i> (<i>B. E. Africa</i>).</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The fate of German Pololand in Africa +will be decided in our next.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent">"Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost +of doing these works.</p> + +<p class="indent">Surveyor—I cannot say vbgkqis shr me."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Wicklow Newsletter.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Neither can we, but we should never +have thought of mentioning it to Mr. +<span class="smcap">Murphy</span> at this juncture.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/135.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Chorus from the trench.</i> "<span class="smcap">What 'ave you got there, Tom?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tom</i> (<i>bringing in huge Uhlan</i>). "<span class="smcap">Souvenir.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.</h2> + +<p class="center">V.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">My dear Mr. Punch</span>,—Our Battalion +has gone. It has called back to the +ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. +Even as I write it is racing through +the darkness across the Indian plains +to its new station. I can almost hear +the grinding thunder of the wheels; +the thud of men sleeping on the seats +as they roll off and crash upon men +sleeping on the floors; the pungent +oaths mingling with the shriek of the +engine whistle ... and I am left +behind in the Divisional Staff Office +and attached to another Territorial +unit just arrived from England. Woe +is me!</p> + +<p class="indent">I paid a last visit to the barracks to +see my comrades before they left. They +were well and cheerful, but all suffering +from a singular delusion. When I +expressed regret that I was not accompanying +them owing to the fact +that my services could not be spared +from the Office, they all assured me +with perfect gravity that this was not +the real explanation of my being left +behind. While I have been plying the +pen, they, it appears, have reached such +a state of military proficiency that to +re-introduce me into the ranks at this +stage would have had a most disintegrating +effect upon the <i>moral</i> of the entire +Battalion.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was hard on me, they were prepared +to admit, but efficiency must +come first. When, very shortly, they +march down <i>Unter den Linden</i> I must +surely recognise how very disastrous it +would be for me to be there with my +rifle at an unprofessional slope. It +would be so noticeable in the pictures +afterwards.</p> + +<p class="indent">They were all full of kindly commiseration +about my future. They, of +course, will presently be leaving for +the Front. England will ring from +end to end with the story of their +prowess. In six weeks they will have +beaten the Germans to a standstill. +Then—best of all—they will return +home, covered with glory and medals, +to be received with frantic demonstrations +of joy, affection and adulation.</p> + +<p class="indent">Several years later, I gather, I may +(if exceptionally lucky) return to +England unhonoured and unsung, with +indelible inkstains on my fingers and +three vaccination marks on my left +forearm as my only mementoes of the +Great War. On the other hand, +having got fairly into the grip of the +Indian Government, it is quite likely +that I shall end my days here.</p> + +<p class="indent">Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, +one of them generously promised +to present me with a few Iron Crosses +which he anticipates collecting on the +battlefield. But this gift, he was at +pains to point out, was contingent +upon the very improbable circumstance +of my surviving plague, dysentery, +enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite +and other perils of a prolonged +sojourn in India.</p> + +<p class="indent">In the immediate future I can +unfortunately see for myself that my +prospects are of the gloomiest. When +I mildly suggested to my Colour +Sergeant that he should send me my +pay by post each week from the new +station, he stared at me fixedly and +reminded me with unnecessary and +offensive emphasis that I was now +attached to another regiment, and that +he had finally and thankfully washed +his hands of all responsibility concerning +me. When I sought out my +new Colour, he informed me even more +emphatically that I was merely attached +to his company for disciplinary purposes +and that it was blooming well +useless for me to look to him for pay. +So there I am.</p> + +<p class="indent">It is the same with rations. None +were sent for me this morning. It is +tolerably certain that none will be sent +to-morrow.</p> + +<p class="indent">Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing +end to a promising career, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> +won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if +Lord <span class="smcap">Kitchener</span> knew the facts of the +case he would do something about it. +Perhaps you could approach him on +the matter. Still, I have read somewhere +that life can be supported on +four bananas a day. I can get eight +bananas for an anna here, and I have +Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my +money belt. I leave you to work it +out.</p> + +<p class="indent">I remember now that a wandering +Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at +Christmas that I should live to be 107. +That was one of his best points. He also +told me that I should be married three +times and have eleven children; that I +had a kind heart; that a short dark +lady was interested in my career; that +the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span> would be dethroned next +June; and that fortune-telling was a +precarious means of livelihood and its +professors were largely dependent upon +the generosity of wealthy <i>sahibs</i> such +as myself. Wealthy!</p> + +<p class="indent">But he was a true prophet in one +particular. He foretold that I should +shortly be unhappy on account of a +parting.</p> + +<p class="indent">Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to +say good-bye to all my friends; it is +not cheering to reflect now that they are +a thousand miles away, amid fresh and +fascinating scenes, about to undergo +novel and wonderful experiences from +which I am debarred. But there is +one lesson which the Army teaches +very efficiently—that, whatever one's +personal feelings, orders have to be +obeyed without question.</p> + +<p class="indent">And I suppose they also serve who +only sit and refer correspondents to +obscure sub-sections and appendices of +Army Regulations, India.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours ever,<br /> +<span class="smcap">One of the <i>Punch</i> Brigade</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:30%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/136.png" alt=""/> +<h3>FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Britannia still sitting on the copper.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE COLLECTOR.</h2> + +<p class="indent">Once upon a time there was an Old +Gentleman who lived in a Very Comfortable +Way; and some of his Neighbours +said he was Rich and others +that, at any rate, he was Well Off, +and others again that at least he had +Considerable Private Means. And when +the Great War broke out it was clear +that he was much too Old to fight, and +he wasn't able to speak at Recruiting +Meetings on account of an Impediment +in his Speech, and he had no +Soldiers billeted upon him, because +there were no Soldiers there, and he +could not take in Belgian Refugees +because he lived on the East Coast—so +he just read the Papers and pottered +about the Garden as he used to do +before.</p> + +<p class="indent">But after a time it was noticed that +he began to "draw in," as his Neighbours +said. First he gave up his Motor, +and when his Gardener enlisted he +didn't get Another; and he never +had a Fire in his Bedroom. And his +Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded +that he had been Hard Hit by +the War. But None of them knew +how.</p> + +<p class="indent">Then he began to travel Third Class +and gave up Smoking Cigars. And +they thought he was waiting till the +Stock Exchange opened.</p> + +<p class="indent">Then they noticed that he got no +new Clothes and his old ones were +not so smart as they used to be. And +as the Stock Exchange was open by +now they began to believe that he +must have become a Miser and was +getting meaner as he got older. And +they all said it was a Pity. But he +went on reading the Papers and pottering +round the Garden much as before.</p> + +<p class="indent">And the Tradespeople found that the +Books were not so big as they used +to be, and they began to say that it +was a Pity when people who had +Money didn't know how to spend it.</p> + +<p class="indent">But the Truth is that they were all +wrong; he was a Collector. That was +how the Money went.</p> + +<p class="indent">He never told anyone about his +Collection, but he kept it in the Top +Drawer of his Desk till it got too big +and overflowed into the Second Drawer, +and then into the Third, and so on.</p> + +<p class="indent">He was quite determined that his +Collection should be complete and +should contain Every Sound Specimen—that +was partly why he kept reading +the Papers. But he didn't mind having +Duplicates as long as they had Different +Dates. There was one Specimen of +which he got a Duplicate every Week.</p> + +<p class="indent">One of his Rules was never to allow +any Specimen into his Collection unless +it had a Stamp on it.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was quite a New Sort of Collection. +It was made up of Receipts from the +People who were running All The +Different War Funds.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SOLDIER'S COAT.</h2> + +<p class="indent">After his ample dinner, William +sank into the big chair before the fire, +and with a book on his knee became +lost in thought.</p> + +<p class="indent">He woke half-an-hour later to observe +that Margaret was knitting.</p> + +<p class="indent">"It's sheer waste of time," he told +her, "to make anything of wool that +colour."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Is it?" she asked sweetly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"If there's no more khaki or brown +wool left in the shops, you should +make something of flannel. Any self-respecting +soldier would rather be +frost-bitten to death a dozen times +than wear a garment of pink wool."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, +smiling.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Besides, you really ought to stick +to the beaten track—belts, mufflers +and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs."</p> + +<p class="indent">"This is going to be a coat," she +said, holding it up and surveying it +with satisfaction.</p> + +<p class="indent">"A coat?—that handful of pink, a +coat? That feeble likeness of an egg-cosy, +a coat? A pink woollen coat for +a British soldier! My poor friend over +there in the trenches, whoever you +are, may Heaven help you! And may +Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this +night's work!"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I shan't finish it to-night—it'll +take days. And he'll be very proud of +it, I know."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Who will?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"The soldier-boy will. Bless his +heart; he's a born fighter—anyone +can see it with half an eye. Mabel +says——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? +Well, what's Donald doing to allow +Mabel to take such an interest in this +precious soldier-boy who is prepared +to be proud of a coat of soft pink +wool? Who is the idiot?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"He's no idiot, and his name's +Peter," said Margaret.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Peter! Peter what?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull +yourself together, and try to realise +that you have been an uncle for at +least three weeks. Donald and Mabel +are going to call him 'Peter'—didn't I +tell you?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from +shells and shrapnel."—<i>Advt. in "The Times."</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Just the place for our shy young sister +Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, +an engineer, joined the Belgian +Flying Corps, and did most useful work, +being complimented by his King for his invention +of a new kind of aircomb."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Mirror.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with +a couple of spikes missing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span></p> + +<h2>THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Even the more obscure of the American +papers often contain important news of the +doings of the British army many days before +the Censor allows the information to be published +in England.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I am told that few exploits are finer</p> +<p class="i2">Than a battle our Blankshires have won,</p> +<p>So bring me <i>The Michigan Miner</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done;</p> +<p>If <i>The Miner</i>'s not easy to hit on,</p> +<p class="i2">Get <i>The Maryland Trumpet</i>; it treats</p> +<p>Of a story that's kept, to the Briton,</p> +<p class="i2">As dark as the Westminster streets!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>As our soldiers from north of the Border</p> +<p class="i2">Some vital positions have stormed,</p> +<p>Put <i>The Oregon Message</i> on order</p> +<p class="i2">To keep me completely informed!</p> +<p>One moment! I've just heard a rumour</p> +<p class="i2">That the Germans' whole front has been cleft—</p> +<p>Quick! Rush for <i>The Tennessee Boomer</i>;</p> +<p class="i2">Heaven grant that a copy is left!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Each day in this keep-it-dark city,</p> +<p class="i2">Officials, to us, seem unkind</p> +<p>To censor such news without pity,</p> +<p class="i2">But, of course, they've an object in mind;</p> +<p>For a man, when his spirits touch zero</p> +<p class="i2">Through a natural yearning for facts,</p> +<p>Will enlist, and <i>himself</i> be a hero</p> +<p class="i2">Where no one can censor his <span class="smcap">ACTS</span>!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/137.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>First Patriot.</i> "<span class="smcap">Ah! I see you haven't yet changed the name of your +Eau-de-Cologne.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Second Patriot.</i> "<span class="smcap">Pardon me, Madam. I have taken the liberty of labelling +my new supply 'Cologne Water.'</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM.</h2> + +<p class="indent">O authors, remember to join your +flats!</p> + +<p class="indent">The novel was going splendidly. I +had been revelling in it. I was sitting +in one chair, with my feet in another, +not far from the fire, plunged in the +story, when all of a sudden my pleasure +went.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was in Chapter xvii., where the +young doctor takes a taxi and rushes up +to the actress's flat so as to be there first, +before Lord Burlington. You must +understand that the young doctor is +newly in practice and has the greatest +difficulty in making both ends meet. +Well, it says that he sprang from the +cab and was half-way up the stairs in a +moment. That was all right, but the +point is that he stayed two hours +hunting for the missing letter. Now +this is a very exciting passage, because +we know that the detective may be here +any minute, and Lord Burlington is +coming too, and if either of them—well, +the point is that, owing to the author +forgetting to make the young doctor +pay the taxi-man, all my pleasure went.</p> + +<p class="indent">I am not unduly economical, but I +hate downright waste, and here was the +taximeter ticking all through the rest of +that chapter and the next, and further +still. Had it been Lord Burlington's +cab I should have cared less, for he was +rich; had it been the detective's I should +not have cared at all, because the driver +might have gone to Scotland Yard for +his money. But the young doctor was +so poor, and sooner or later he would +have to come out of the flat again, and +then he would be caught and faced +with an impossible bill; and this got +on my nerves.</p> + +<p class="indent">As I say, the story was frightfully +exciting just there, but I found myself, +instead of participating in the excitement, +saying, "Another twopence"; +"Twopence more"; "It must be four +shillings by now," "Five shillings," +and so on. Not even when the face of +the Chinaman appeared at the window—he +had climbed up the water-pipe +and had a dagger in his teeth—could I +really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by +now," was all I said.</p> + +<p class="indent">The result was that the effect of the +book was lost on me and I cared +nothing for what happened to any one. +The taximeter ticked through every +subsequent page. Long after we got +away from London altogether and the +young doctor was on his way to Hong +Kong, racing the detective, I still heard +the taximeter ticking; just because the +man had never been paid. It ticked +through the wedding bells; and it +ticked through the strangling of Lord +Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, +with which the story closes.</p> + +<p class="indent">And that is why I say, O authors, +remember to join your flats.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">The Slump in Prussians.</p> + +<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Sortes Vergilianæ.</span>)</p> + +<p class="center">"<i>Procumbit humi Bosch.</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span></p> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<span class="smcap">Searchlights.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent">The title was not, of course, meant +to deceive, for Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell</span> is an +honest man; and anyhow the critics, +for that is their business, would be +swift to disillusionize the public; but +in our permissible state of suspicion, +the audience might easily be led to +suppose from the word "Searchlights," +combined with the early appearance of +an imported Teuton in the person of +<i>Sir Adalbert Schmaltz</i>, that spy-work +was in the air. But the genial +domesticity of this naturalized Scot +quickly disposed of our unworthy apprehensions, +and we soon learned that +his <i>provenance</i> had no +bearing upon the issue.</p> + +<p class="indent">That issue was concerned +with a question of +paternity, whose acuteness +happened to be +contemporaneous with +that of the present European +crisis. I say "happened"; +for here again +I cast no reflection upon +Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> intent, or +suggest that the war-element +in his play was +introduced as an afterthought +into his original +scheme. If it was, +which I doubt, then the +patchwork was cleverly +concealed; and my only +complaint must be of a +certain obscurity in the +relation between the two +patterns in his design. +For if the title implied +that the effect of the +War was to throw a +searchlight into the dark places of the +human heart (as distinguished from its +influence upon our City streets), I do +not think that in the case of <i>Robert +Blaine's</i> heart, if he had one, the author +has made this operation sufficiently +clear.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, +born after five years of barren wedlock, +who was the object of her husband's +profound detestation. After some twenty +years—a little late, perhaps, in the day, +but the author wished us to be present +when he did it—<i>Robert Blaine</i>, at a +moment when his wife is trying to get +her boy out of a tight corner, declares +an inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, +and she makes confession of her fault. +Subsequently—in a "strong" scene—she +recants, alleging that her confession +was a work of creative art, produced in +a spasm of spite; and everybody except +the immovable <i>Blaine</i> is vastly relieved.</p> + +<p class="indent">But not for long, for she presently +recants her recantation. You will guess +that, though a little shaken, we were +not in despair, but looked hopefully for +a re-recantation. But you are in error. +Her second confession, though no +words passed her lips, was obviously +final. And what induced it? What +was the piece of conviction? If you +will believe me, it was just a photograph +with which her husband confronted +her—an old photograph of her +lover that she mistook for her son's, so +close was the likeness. This was surely +a flaw in Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> scheme, for it +is unbelievable that she should have +hitherto overlooked this fatal resemblance, +even if her attention had not +as a fact been called to it by a garrulous +friend at quite an early stage in the +proceedings of the play.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/138.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Robert Blaine experiencing how very much sharper than a serpent's +tooth it is to have somebody else's thankless child.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Robert Blaine</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. H. B. Irving</span>.</p> +<p><i>Harry Blaine</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reginald Owen</span>.</p> +</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Another weakness, common enough +where an author wants to show a +variety of types and excuses himself +from the trouble of assorting them, was +to be seen in the extreme improbability +of the friendship between <i>Blaine</i> and +<i>Sir Adalbert Schmaltz</i>. These two were +always staying in one another's houses +yet there never could have been the +smallest of tastes in common between +the dour and moody financier and the +light-hearted consumer of lager beer +and <i>delikatessen</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent">But I prefer, if you please, to dwell +upon the shining virtues of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> <i>Searchlights</i>. With the +exception of an interlude or two of +needless triviality—<i>Lady Schmaltz's</i> +sobbing scene, for instance—the essentials +of the tragic theme held us grimly +in their grasp. But always we could +find relief in the author's humanity, +revealed not only in the passionate +devotion of the mother's heart, but in +the persuasive character of her boy, +and the unaffected quality of his relations +both to her and to the girl who +wanted his love.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell</span> would be the first to +acknowledge, and generously, how +much he owes to the really remarkable +performance, as <i>Mrs. Blaine</i>, of Miss +<span class="smcap">Fay Davis</span>, who can never before have +accomplished so high an achievement. +But the matter was there for her clever +hands to shape, and that was the +author's doing.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Harry Irving's</span>, too, was a fine +performance, though, from the moment +of his entrance, a figure of sinister +portent, he lacked all +contrast of light and +shade. But, to be just, +that was hardly in the +part, as made—deliberately, +so it seemed—for +those particular methods +of which he is the master.</p> + +<p class="indent">As for Mr. <span class="smcap">Holman +Clark</span>, if all Teutons, +naturalized or other, +were like his <i>Sir Adalbert +Schmaltz</i> (or <i>Sir Keith +Howard</i>, as he called +himself after the War +began, on the principle +that the best was good +enough for him) I should +have small ground of +quarrel with the race. +But how this joyous German +ever came to wear a +kilt and own a deer-forest +I cannot hope to understand, +for there was no +hint of Semitic origin in +his face or composition.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Reginald Owen</span> made a most +human soldier-boy, and I shall never +want to meet a Guardsman with a better +manner or an easier sense of humour. +I remark, by the way, that young +<i>Blaine</i> is the second stage-hero (the +first was in <i>The Cost</i>) whom the War +has affected in the head.</p> + +<p class="indent">Miss <span class="smcap">Margery Maude</span>, though she +had the rather ungrateful part of a girl +who is quite ready, thank you, to be +loved as soon as you feel like it, played, +as always, with a very perfect tact and +charm.</p> + +<p class="indent">Finally, Miss <span class="smcap">Kate Bishop</span> was her +dear old self, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Tom Reynolds'</span> +sketch of a solicitor was as bright as +it was brief.</p> + +<p class="indent">I venture to offer my best compliments +both to the cast and to the +author, and to hope that his <i>Searchlights</i> +may serve well to pierce the +shadows of the night through which +we are passing.</p> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/139.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Tommy</i> (<i>late gamekeeper</i>). "<span class="smcap">Mark over!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent">Miss <span class="smcap">Viola Meynell</span> brings to her analysis of character +an astonishingly acute observation and insight, an intimate +sympathy, a quiet, leavening, sometimes faintly malicious, +humour; and to her synthesis a conscientious and dexterous +artistry in selection and arrangement which gives a vividly +objective reality to her creations. So that you may put +down her <i>Columbine</i> (<span class="smcap">Secker</span>) with something like the +guilty feeling of an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon +three girls is her main theme, and it is difficult to overpraise +her skill and restraint in the handling of it. <i>Lily +Peak</i>, the actress, beautiful, passionless, incompetent, with +her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand philosophy +of living, is a veritable <i>tour de force</i> of characterisation +which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And +between this pretty nonentity and <i>Jennifer</i>, the competent, +the loyal and the deep, with her occasional flashes of +beauty and her innocent provocativeness, <i>Dixon Parrish</i>, +one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded modern +young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. +<i>Alison</i>, his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, +moves unquiet on the well-planned background +which holds that genially absurd pseudo-intellectual, +her father; the kindly negative <i>Mrs. Parrish</i>; <i>Gilbert</i>, +<i>Alison's</i> lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits); the +pleasantly pretentious <i>Madame Barrett</i> of the elocution +classes; and "that <i>Mrs. Smith</i>," who is only (but adroitly) +shown through <i>Lily's</i> artless chatter. Miss <span class="smcap">Meynell</span> +chooses to write chiefly of little moments in little lives. +But she has adequate reserves of power for bigger work, +as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment +on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and +meanwhile she has shown herself mistress of a method +singularly skilful and restrained. She does not describe +or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through +the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her +characters—the manifestly excellent way which so few +have the wit or the courage to follow.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Leo Brandish</i>, so Miss <span class="smcap">Peggy Webling</span> assures me, +intends to write the professional biography of their mutual +hero, that notable actor and admirable gentleman, <i>Edgar +Chirrup</i> (<span class="smcap">Methuen</span>). In the meantime she has told us all +about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that +he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse +are included in the family portrait, with his children and +the wife whom you and I, and everyone else for that +matter, realised was the one for him long before he did. +Some of the other pages in his life were less satisfactory, +more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not in +the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress +jogged Fate's elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy +infatuation. If I could not forget or ever quite understand +this episode, neither could "<i>Chirps</i>" himself in the years +that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty that had +already won my affections were pleading for his release, +with the ladies (Fate and Miss <span class="smcap">Webling</span>, I mean) collaborating +over his destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any +but the happiest of endings had been in store for the hero +and his <i>Ruth</i>, for sweeter and simpler folk have seldom +been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public into +arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> +seem to be just that they have been able to catch the +qualities of sympathy and sincerity that belonged in the +first case to the manner of the telling of their story; so +perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them from the +start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in +this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. +Here is tenderness without mawkishness, humour without +noise, a sufficiency of action without harshness of outline; +most surprising, here is a story, in which many of the +characters are of the Stage, presented with an entire absence +of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, one +expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean +achievement. And so—my congratulations.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><i>Through the Ages Beloved</i> (<span class="smcap">Hutchinson</span>) might be fairly +described as an unusual story. I am bound to say that I +both admired and enjoyed it; but at the same time a more +tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. For the +benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the +plot—whose scene is laid +in Japan—is reincarnation. +Consequently, +though the hero, <i>Kanaya</i>, +begins as a modern student +who has fought +through the Russo-Japanese +war, you must be +prepared to find him and +yourself switched suddenly +without any warning into +the remote past. I am not +quite sure that Mr. <span class="smcap">H. +Grahame Richards</span> has +been playing the game +here. So unheralded is +the transference that even +the close and careful reader +will experience some bewilderment; +as, for example, +when the heroine, +whose own name remains +the same in both ages, +re-enters with different +parents. As for the skipper, +his doom will be +confusion unmitigated. However, once you have found +your bearings again, there is much to admire in the treatment +of a time and a place so eminently picturesque. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Richards'</span> pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the +delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean +air, the colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, +a flight of birds crossing a garden of azaleas—all these are +realized with obvious knowledge and enthusiasm, and more +than compensate for the intricacy of the plot. But this is +certainly there. Once only was I myself near vanquished. +This was when the <i>Kanaya</i> of the past, himself the result +of the modern <i>Kanaya</i> hitting his head on a stone, began +to hint of uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian +future. Here I confess that (like <i>Alice</i> and <i>The Red King</i>) +I longed for some authoritative pronouncement as to who +was the genuine dreamer, and who would "go out." Still, +an original story, and one to be read, even if with knitting +of brows.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/140.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">The Passport with accompanying photograph sometimes arouses +suspicion. One seldom looks like oneself immediately after a +rough Channel crossing.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as +a pot-boiler a story that, when no longer in its first youth, +can enjoy a second blooming at ten shillings and sixpence +net, in its own cardboard box, and embellished with any +quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures. Yet I fear that +this is my impression about <i>The Money Moon</i> (<span class="smcap">Sampson +Low</span>). I have liked Mr. <span class="smcap">Jeffrey Farnol's</span> other work too +well to be able to accept this at its present sumptuous +face-value. You remember no doubt how <i>George Bellew</i>, +having been jilted by the girl of his original choice, set out +upon a walking tour; how on the first day of this expedition +he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing +in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant +name of Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at +Dapplemere there lived a small boy, who talked as boys do +in books but nowhere else; a lavendery old lady-housekeeper +whose name (need I remind you?) was <i>Miss +Priscilla</i>; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. +You recall too how all these charming people took <i>George</i> +to their expansive hearts, and welcomed him as the ideal +hero, without apparently once noticing that he must at the +moment (on the author's own showing) have had a swollen +nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. +The whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that +in America, where <i>The +Money Moon</i> is at present +shining more brightly than +with us, there exists a +steady demand for this +rather saccharine fiction. +So let us leave it at that.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">There must be many +persons (I am one of them +myself) who, when confronted +with a topical +burlesque of <i>Alice in +Wonderland</i>, would confess +to a little regret. +The book is such a treasured +joy that one hates to +have any hands, even the +cleverest, laid upon it. +Yet the deed is so often +done that there is clearly +a large public that does +not share this view. Therefore +a welcome seems +assured for what is certainly, +so far, the wittiest +of the attempts, <i>Malice in Kulturland</i> (<span class="smcap">The Car Illustrated</span>), +written by <span class="smcap">Horace Wyatt</span>, with pictures by <span class="smcap">Tell</span>. +The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their +task makes me wish that my personal prejudice had allowed +me to appreciate it more whole-heartedly. Especially neat +is the transformation of the <i>Cheshire Cat</i> into a <i>Russian +Bear</i>, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a clever drawing +of this). You remember how, at <i>Alice's</i> request, the <i>Cat</i> +kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to +grin? The <i>Bear</i> does the same, "beginning with an official +statement, and ending with a rumour, which was still very +persistent for some time afterwards." Mr. <span class="smcap">Wyatt</span> has +certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall look to see +him developing in other and more virgin fields.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?"</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Bristol Observer.</i></p> + +<p class="indent">They can be withdrawn with a pin.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm, +Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Yorkshire Evening Post.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">One would have expected a lion in these martial days.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="tnote"> + +<h2>Transcriber Notes:</h2> + +<p class="indent">Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.</p> + +<p class="indent">The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book.</p> + +<p class="indent">Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United."</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four".</p> +</div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/44179-h/images/121.png b/44179-h/images/121.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d0e547 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/121.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/123.png b/44179-h/images/123.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..355bd2a --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/123.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/125.png b/44179-h/images/125.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5dd2f6b --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/125.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/126.png b/44179-h/images/126.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e99fe7 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/126.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/127.png b/44179-h/images/127.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4e21a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/127.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/129.png b/44179-h/images/129.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97f5239 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/129.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/130.png b/44179-h/images/130.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..20cd925 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/130.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/131.png b/44179-h/images/131.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..781f3d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/131.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/133.png b/44179-h/images/133.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0a34e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/133.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/133b.png b/44179-h/images/133b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac8b028 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/133b.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/134.png b/44179-h/images/134.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f87cc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/134.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/135.png b/44179-h/images/135.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d55c288 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/135.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/136.png b/44179-h/images/136.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6461059 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/136.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/137.png b/44179-h/images/137.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f6dc28 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/137.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/138.png b/44179-h/images/138.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e18ff5c --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/138.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/139.png b/44179-h/images/139.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3e5303 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/139.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/140.png b/44179-h/images/140.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fe5cac --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/140.png |
