diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-0.txt | 1803 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/44179-h.htm | 2836 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/121.png | bin | 0 -> 43647 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/123.png | bin | 0 -> 454014 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/125.png | bin | 0 -> 123165 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/126.png | bin | 0 -> 90552 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/127.png | bin | 0 -> 205152 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/129.png | bin | 0 -> 259889 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/130.png | bin | 0 -> 183283 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/131.png | bin | 0 -> 335074 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/133.png | bin | 0 -> 75716 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/133b.png | bin | 0 -> 66039 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/134.png | bin | 0 -> 83418 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/135.png | bin | 0 -> 135564 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/136.png | bin | 0 -> 24479 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/137.png | bin | 0 -> 148216 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/138.png | bin | 0 -> 47943 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/139.png | bin | 0 -> 123471 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44179-h/images/140.png | bin | 0 -> 87443 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-8.txt | 2198 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 41301 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 2528231 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/44179-h.htm | 3254 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/121.png | bin | 0 -> 43647 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/123.png | bin | 0 -> 454014 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/125.png | bin | 0 -> 123165 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/126.png | bin | 0 -> 90552 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/127.png | bin | 0 -> 205152 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/129.png | bin | 0 -> 259889 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/130.png | bin | 0 -> 183283 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/131.png | bin | 0 -> 335074 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/133.png | bin | 0 -> 75716 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/133b.png | bin | 0 -> 66039 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/134.png | bin | 0 -> 83418 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/135.png | bin | 0 -> 135564 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/136.png | bin | 0 -> 24479 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/137.png | bin | 0 -> 148216 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/138.png | bin | 0 -> 47943 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/139.png | bin | 0 -> 123471 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179-h/images/140.png | bin | 0 -> 87443 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179.txt | 2198 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44179.zip | bin | 0 -> 41258 bytes |
45 files changed, 12305 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/44179-0.txt b/44179-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..848674a --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1803 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 *** + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + VOL. 148. + FEBRUARY 17, 1915. + + + + + CHARIVARIA. + +The Turks are now reported to be retiring through the desert, and the +Germans are realising that you may take a horse to the place where +there's no water, but you cannot make him drink. + + * * * + +"Rapid progress," we read, "is being made in the American movement to +supply soldiers at the battle fronts in Europe with Bibles printed in +their own languages." We trust that one will be supplied to the KAISER, +who, if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid it. + + * * * + +Suggested title for Germany and her allies--The Hunseatic League. + + * * * + +The _Vossische Zeitung_, talking of the proposed blockade, says, "The +dance will begin on February 18." Germania's toe may not be light, but +it is fantastic. + + * * * + +You may know a man by the company he keeps. The KAISER'S friends are now +the Jolly Roger and Sir ROGER CASEMENT. + + * * * + +Messrs. HAGENBECK, of Hamburg, are sending Major MEHRING, the German +Commandant at Valenciennes, an elephant. So we may expect shortly to be +told by wireless that a large Indian body has gone over to the Germans. + + * * * + +Earl GREY, speaking at Newcastle on the War, said that a German +passenger on the _Vaterland_ remarked to him, "Can you wonder that we +hunger? We have been hungry for two hundred years and only had one +satisfying meal--in 1870. We have become hungry again." The pity, of +course, is that so few Germans can eat quite like gentlemen. + + * * * + +The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed their body belts "the dado +round the dining-room." In the whirligig of fashion the freeze is now +being ousted by its predecessor. + + * * * + +Much of the credit for the admirable feeding of our Expeditionary Force +is due, we learn, to Brigadier-General LONG, the Director of Supplies. +As a caustic Tommy, pointing to his "dining-room," remarked, "one wants +but little here below, but wants that little Long." + + * * * + +The _Deutsche Tageszeitung_ informs its readers that "the men of the +North Lancashire Regiment recently attempted to force a swarm of bees to +attack German soldiers, but the bees turned on the British and severely +stung one hundred and twenty of them." After this success it is reported +that the Death's Head Hussars are adopting a wasp as a regimental pet. + + * * * + +Talking of regimental pets, the lucky recipient of Princess MARY'S +Christmas gift that was packed by the QUEEN is Private PET, of the +Leinster Regiment. + + * * * + +With reference to the private view of a collapsible hut at the College +of Ambulance last week it is only fair to say that there is good reason +to believe that not a few of those already erected will shortly come +under this description. + + * * * + +The Russian Minister of Finance, M. BARK, paid a visit to this country +last week, and it is rumoured that he had an interview with another +financial magnate, Mr. BEIT, with a view to forming an ideal +combination. + + * * * + +Says an advertisement of the Blue Cross Fund:--"All horses cared for. +Nationality not considered." This must save the Fund's interpreters a +good deal of trouble. + + * * * + +The Corporation of the City of London reports that diminished lighting, +so far from increasing the dangers of the City streets, has reduced +them, the accidents during the past quarter being only 331 as compared +with 375 a year ago. However, a proposal that the lights shall now be +entirely extinguished with a view to reducing the casualties to _nil_ +has not yet been adopted. + + * * * + +A gentleman has written to _The Globe_ to complain that at Charing Cross +Station there are signs printed in German indicating the whereabouts of +the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. We certainly think that, while we +are at war, these ought, so as to confuse the enemy, to point in wrong +directions. + + * * * + +Germany is now suffering from extreme cold, and the advice to German +housewives to cook potatoes in their jackets is presumably a measure of +humanity. + + * * * + +To Mr. WATT'S enquiry in the House as to how many German submarines had +been destroyed, Mr. CHURCHILL replied, "The German Government has made +no return." Let us hope that this is true also of a good few of the +submarines. + + * * * + +_Der Tag_, it is announced, is to be withdrawn from the Coliseum. They +could do with it, we believe, in Germany. + + * * * + +Theatrical folk will be interested to hear that in the Eastern Theatre +of War there has been furious fighting for the passes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Turk._ "I SAY, YOU FELLOWS! DO YOU SEE THE OTHER ALLIES +ARE POOLING THEIR FUNDS? CAPITAL IDEA!"] + + * * * * * + + "The power of Great Britain and her Allies was increasing daily + in strength, whereas the power of her enemies was distinctly on + the wane. The existing situation had been brought about without + the vest resources of the Empire having yet been called in to + play."--_Daily Mail._ + +Are we to understand, that, so far, we have only called out the socks +and body-belts? + + * * * * * + + "There is but one survival among the historic shows of the + [Crystal] Palace--a portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking + one another 'What next?' + + A meeting of the directors of the Crystal Palace Football Club + is to be summoned to decide on a course of action." + _The Evening News._ + +Without wishing to be needlessly offensive to either of these bodies, we +venture to suggest that they should combine their deliberations. + + * * * * * + + "If ... England and France keep the police of the sea with the + utmost vigilance, so that no copper at all can reach Germany and + Austria, the fate of both Empires seems certain."--_Times._ + +The land police must be guarded even more vigorously if "no copper at +all" is to slip over. + + * * * * * + + THE GODS OF GERMANY. + + [A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his + country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be + permitted to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious + life of Germany."] + + Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends! + From East and West the heretic comes swooping, + But all in vain his impious strength he spends + If you refuse to let him catch you stooping; + All goes serenely up to date; + Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)! + + Deutschland--that beacon in the general night-- + Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in, + Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right, + Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin; + O let us, in this wicked war, + Stick tight to Odin and to Thor! + + Over our race these gods renew their reign; + For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing; + Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane + Attest the force of your religious feeling; + Not Thor's own hammer could have made + A better job of this crusade. + + In such a cause all ye that lose your breath + Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla; + And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death, + The fresh young houri promised you by Allah; + Between the two--that chance and this-- + Your Heaven should be hard to miss. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + + THE PASSPORT. + +"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?" + +"Your nose?" she said. + +"Yes," I said, "my nose." + +"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?" + +"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. It is Sir +EDWARD GREY, the--ahem--Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. In the +midst of all his tremendous duties he still has time to ask me to tell +him what my nose is like." + +"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney Hatch. Will +somebody tell me what this man is talking about?" + +"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is no mystery about +it." + +"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see it with the +naked eye." + +"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to go to France. +Therefore I may want a passport. I am now filling in an application for +it, and I find to my regret that I have got to give details of my +personal appearance, including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all +you can do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? Is it even +wifely?" + +"But why can't you describe it yourself?" + +"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know about his own nose? He +only sees it full-face for a few minutes every morning when he's shaving +or parting his hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile +the dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his best to +forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, I haven't the +vaguest notion what my nose is really like." + +"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down as a loud blower +and a hearty sneezer." + +"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir EDWARD GREY. He doesn't +want to know what it sounds like, but what it looks like." + +"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?" + +"Ye--es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean delicate----" + +"I don't," she said. + +"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome." + +"It isn't," she said. + +"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' do? Aren't some +noses called aquiline?" + +"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. Try again." + +"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me that my nose is +turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do not want to have a turned-up +nose, and what's more I don't mean to have one, not even to please the +British Foreign Office and all its permanent officials." + +"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a Roman nose." + +"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I dipped my pen and +prepared to write the word down in the blank space on the application +form. + +"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. Now that I look at you +again I'm not sure that yours is a Roman nose." + +"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting things. It must, +it shall be Roman." + +"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?" + +"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half so Roman as mine. +It is the noblest Roman of them all." + +"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass it as Roman." + +"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'" + +"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else." + +"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?" + +"Green," said Francesca. + +"No, grey." + +"Green." + +"Grey." + +"Let's compromise on grey-green." + +"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir EDWARD GREY will appreciate +that. Oh, bother! I've written it in the space devoted to 'hair.' +However it's easy to----" + +"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. I've often +wondered what I ought to say about your hair, and now I know. Oh, my +grey-green-and-gentle-haired one!" + +"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what about my eyes?" + +"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's done." + +"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. Now I know what it +is to have a real helper. Complexion next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good +word for complexion?" + +"Yes, for some." + +"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've noticed that people +who fill up blank spaces always use the word 'normal' at least once. I +shall call my complexion normal and get it over." + +After this there was no further difficulty. I took the remaining blank +spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes the application form was +filled up. Having then secured a clergyman who consented to guarantee my +personal respectability and having attached two photographs of myself I +packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have not yet had any +special acknowledgment from Sir EDWARD GREY, but I take this opportunity +to warn the French authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a +non-Roman nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and a normal +complexion may be seeking admission to their country. + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER. + +TEUTON TROUBADOUR (_serenading the fair Columbia_). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN +TO MY LOVE-SONGS, I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bright Youth._ "YES, I'M THINKIN' OF GETTIN' A +COMMISSION IN SOMETHING. WHAT ABOUT JOININ' THAT CROWD WITH THE JOLLY +LITTLE RED TABS ON THEIR COLLARS? THEY LOOK SO DOOCID SMART."] + + * * * * * + + THE WATCH DOGS. + + XII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--It must be upwards of a month since you heard from me; +I trust you have had sleepless nights in consequence. To be honest, I am +still in England, prepared to go out at a moment's notice, sworn to go, +medically approved, equipped and trained to go, but (my one weakness) +never in fact going. War, of course, is not open to any member of the +public who cares to turn up on the field and proffer his entrance-money; +it is an invitation show, and we have not yet received our cards. + +Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon is an intensely personal affair, and +who interested himself in it from the purely private motives of the +patriot, in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, or in the wicked +caprice of the law-abiding civilian lusting to travel abroad without a +ticket, go shooting without a licence and dabble in manslaughter without +the subsequent expense of briefing counsel,--poor old Tolley sees a +personal slight in this, and is quite sure that K. has a down on all of +us and on himself in particular. He has no difficulty in conceiving of +the Olympians at the War Office spending five working days and the +Saturday half-day in deciding what they shall do about US; writing round +to our acquaintances for our references: "Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober +and willing, punctual in his habits, clean in his appearance, an early +riser and a good plain warrior?" and receiving under confidential cover +unfavourable answers; and at night in his dreams he sees the SECRETARY +FOR WAR pondering over our regimental photo and telling himself that +there are some likely-looking fellows in the front row, but you never +know what they have got hidden away in the middle; counting up the heads +and murmuring, as he wonders when he shall send us out, "This year, next +year, some time--never." + +But you, Charles, must be patient with us, supporting us with your good +will and opinion, and replying to all who remark upon the progress of +the Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its way, but you wait till +Henry gets out and then you'll see _some_ war." + +Meanwhile the soldier's life continues with us very much after the +manner of the schoolboy's. We all pretend to ourselves that we are now +on terms of complete mutual understanding with the C.O. and the +Adjutant, but none the less we all study their expressions with great +care before we declare ourselves at breakfast. There are times for +jesting and there are times for not jesting; it goes by seasons, fair +and stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's face is a barometer. In my +wilder and more dangerous moods I have felt tempted to tap it and see if +I couldn't effect an atmospheric change. (In the name of goodness, I +adjure you, Charles, not to leave this letter lying about; if it gets +into print I shall lose all my half-holidays for the next three years or +the duration of the War.) + +The other morning I was come for, that is to say I was proceeding +comfortably with my breakfast at 7.55, when I was touched on the +shoulder and told that the C.O. would be glad to see me (or rather, +_would_ see me) at orderly room at eight, a thing which, by the grace of +Heaven and the continual exercise of low cunning on my part, has never +happened to me before. At least they might have told me what I had done, +thought I, as I ran to my fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, and +improvising a line of defence applicable to any crime. Believe me, the +dock is a haven of rest and security compared with orderly, or ordeal, +room. + +When my turn came I advanced to the table of inquisition, came smartly +to attention, saluted, cleared my throat and said, "Sir!" (The +correctness of this account is not guaranteed by any bureau.) I then +cleared my throat again and said, "Sir, it was like this." The C.O. +looked slightly nonplussed; the Adjutant, who in all his long experience +of crime had never before seen the accused open his mouth, began to open +his own. So I pushed on with it. "My defence is this: in the first place +I did not do it. I wasn't there at the time, and if I had been I +shouldn't have done it. In the second place I did it inadvertently. In +the third place it was not a wrong thing to do; and in the fourth place +I am prepared to make the most ample apology, to have the same inserted +in three newspapers, and to promise never to do it again." + +Orderly room was by now thoroughly restive. "If you take a serious view +of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me now and have done with it. Do not +keep me waiting till dawn, for I am always at my worst and most +irritable before breakfast." + +When I paused for breath they took the opportunity to inform me, rather +curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for in order to be appointed to +look after the rations and billets of a party of sixteen officers +proceeding to a distance that same day, and I was to dispose +accordingly. "If I had known that was all," I said to myself, "I'd have +had my second piece of toast while it was still lukewarm." I then +withdrew, by request. I found upon enquiry of the Sergeant-Major, who +knows all things, that the party was to travel by circuitous routes and +arrive at 7.5 P.M., whereas I, travelling _viâ_ London, might arrive at +5 P.M., and so have two odd hours to prepare a home and food for them. +So into the train I got, and there of all people struck the C.O. +himself, proceeding townwards on duty. In the course of the journey I +made it clear to him that, if his boots required licking, I was the man +for the job. + +He smiled indulgently. "Referring to that second piece of toast," he +began. + +I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, it is nothing," said I. + +"When we arrive in London," he said, "you will lunch with me." I +protested that the honour was enormous, but I was to arrive in London at +1.30 and must needs proceed at 1.50. + +"You will lunch with me," he pursued, adding significantly as I still +protested, "at the Savoy." + +After further argument, "It is the soldier's duty to obey," I said, and +we enquired at St. Pancras as to later trains. The conclusion of the +matter was that by exerting duress upon my taxidriver I just caught the +4.17, which got me to ---- at 7.15, ten minutes after the hungry and +houseless sixteen. + +You don't think this is particularly funny; well, no more did the +sixteen. But it was a very, very happy luncheon. Remember that we have +subsisted on ration beef and ration everything else for some months, and +you will believe me when I tell you that, upon seeing a menu in French +(our dear allies!), opening with _crème_ and concluding with _Jacques_, +we told the waiter to remove the programme and give us the foodstuffs. +"Start at the beginning," said the C.O., "and keep on at it till you +reach the end. Then stop." + +"Stop, Sir?" I asked. + +"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all over again" ... and so when we got +to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, "Sir, if I may, your very +good health," meaning thereby that I forgave him not only all the harsh +things he has said to me in the past, but even all the harsher things he +proposes to say to me in the future. + +From the monotony of training we have only occasional relief in the +actual, as for instance when we are kept out of bed all night, Zepping. +But this is a poor game, Charles; there is not nearly enough sport in it +to satisfy the desires of a company of enthusiasts, armed with a rifle +and a hundred rounds of ball ammunition apiece. We feel that the officer +of the day, who inspects the shooting party at 9.30 P.M. and then sends +it off about its business, is trifling with tragic matter when he tells +us: "Now, remember; no hens!" + Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD. + +_The Shirker._ "NICE BIRD! SAY 'POLLY SCRATCH A POLL!'" + +_The Bird._ "JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN!"] + + * * * * * + + "The battle that has been raging for several months has now + ended in a distinct triumph for the high-necked corsage." + _Tatler._ + +Good. Now we can devote our attention to the other war on the Continent. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Wit_ (_to victim of ill-timed revelry_). +"WOTCHER, WILLIAM? HOW WAS JOFFER WHEN YOU LEFT?"] + + * * * * * + + OXFORD IN WAR TIME. + + Who that beheld her robed in May + Could guess the change that six months later + Has brought such wondrous disarray + Upon his _alma mater?_ + + Distracted by a world-wide strife, + The calm routine of study ceases; + And Oxford's academic life + Is broken all to pieces. + + No more the intellectual youth + Feeds on perpetual paradoxes; + No longer in the quest of truth + The mental compass boxes. + + Gone are the old luxurious days + When, always craving something subtler, + To BERGSON'S metaphysic maze + He turned from SAMUEL BUTLER. + + Linked by the brotherhood of arms + All jarring coteries are blended; + Mere cleverness no longer charms; + The cult of Blues is ended. + + The boats are of their crews bereft; + The parks are given up to training; + The scanty hundreds who are left + All at the leash are straining. + + And grave professors, making light + Of all the load of _anno domini_, + Devote the day to drill, the night + To CLAUSEWITZ and JOMINI. + + While those who feel too old to fight + Full nobly with the pen are serving + To weld conflicting views of right + In one resolve unswerving. + + No more can essayists inveigh + Against the youth of Oxford, slighting + Her "young barbarians all at play," + When nine in ten are fighting, + + And some, the goodliest and the best, + Beloved of comrades and commanders, + Have passed untimely to their rest + Upon the plains of FLANDERS. + + No; when two thousand of her sons + Are mustered under Freedom's banner, + None can declaim--except the Huns-- + Against the Oxford manner. + + For lo! amid her spires and streams, + The lure of cloistered ease forsaking, + The dreamer, noble in her dreams, + Is nobler in her waking. + + * * * * * + + "Lest we forget." + +In these days, when we have to be thankful that our country has not, +like Belgium and France, been overrun by savages, the greater mercies we +receive are apt to obscure the less. But Swansea does not forget the +smaller mercies. According to a recent issue of _The South Wales Daily +Post_, "The Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the second time to St. +Nicholas' Church, Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday evening next, at +6.30, when the directors, committee and the two full teams have promised +to attend the service, that, in the words of the Rev. PERCY WESTON, will +be in the nature of a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune +against Newcastle United"." + +Our compliments to the Rev. PERCY WESTON, pastor of this pious and +patriot flock. + + * * * * * + + WHAT I DEDUCED. + + BY A GERMAN GOVERNESS. + + [Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, having as large a sale + in Germany as _What I Found Out_, by an English Governess, is + having in this country.] + +I shall never forget my arrival at the house of my new employers. Into +the circumstances which forced me to earn my living as a governess in a +strange country I need not now go. Sufficient that I had obtained a +situation in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an Englishman of high +position living in one of the most fashionable suburbs of London. "Chez +Nous," The Grove, Cricklewood, was the address of my new home, and +thither on that memorable afternoon I wended my way. + +"The master and mistress are out," said the maid. "Perhaps you would +like to go straight to the nursery and see the children?" + +"Thank you," I said, and followed her upstairs. Little did I imagine the +amazing scene which was to follow! + +In the nursery my two little charges were playing with soldiers; a tall +and apparently young man was lying on the floor beside them. At my +entrance he scrambled to his feet. + +"Stop the battle a moment," he said, "while we interrogate the invader." + +"I am Fräulein Schmidt," I introduced myself, "the new governess." + +"And I," he said with a bow, "am Lord Kitchener. You have arrived just +in time. Another five minutes and I should have wiped out the German +army." + +"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you wouldn't," shouted one of the boys. + +It was Lord Kitchener! He had shaved off his heavy moustache, and by so +doing had given himself a deceptive appearance of youth, but there could +be no doubt about his identity. Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great +English War Lord! In the light of after-events, how instructive was this +first meeting! + +"What is the game?" I asked, hiding my feelings under a smile. "England +against Germany?" + +"England and Scotland and Ireland and Australia and a few others. We +have ransacked the nursery and raked them all in." + +So even at this time England had conceived the perfidious idea of +forcing her colonies to fight for her! + +"And some Indian soldiers?" I asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid +Bengal Lancers. It struck me even then as very significant; and it is +now seen to be proof that for years previously England had been plotting +an invasion of the Fatherland with a swarm of black mercenaries. + +Lord Kitchener evidently saw what was in my mind, and immediately +exerted all his well-known charm to efface the impression he had +created. + +"You mustn't think," he said with a smile, "that the policy of the +Cabinet is in any way affected by what goes on at 'Chez Nous.' Although +Sir Edward Grey and I----" + +He broke off suddenly, and, in the light of what has happened since, +very suspiciously. + +"Have you had any tea?" he asked. His relations with the notorious Grey +were evidently not to be disclosed. + + * * * + +I met Lord Kitchener on one other occasion, but it is only since England +forced this war upon Europe that I have seen that second meeting in its +proper light. + +I had been out shopping, and when I came back I found him in the garden +playing with the children. We talked for a little on unimportant +matters, and then I saw his eye wandering from me to the drawing-room. A +soldier had just stepped through the open windows on to the lawn. + +"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny." + +As the latter came up Lord Kitchener smacked him warmly on the back. + +"Well," he said, "my martial friend, how many Germans have you killed?" +Then seeing that his friend appeared a little awkward he introduced him +to me. "Fräulein Schmidt, this is one of our most famous warriors--Sir +John French." + +I could see that Sir John French was taken aback. He had evidently come +down to discuss secretly the plan of campaign against a defenceless and +utterly surprised Germany, which their friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, +was to put in motion--and forthwith a German governess had been let into +the secret! No wonder he was annoyed! "You silly ass," he muttered, and +became very red and confused. + +Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed. + +"It's all right," he said; "Fräulein Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk +quite freely in front of her." + +It was the typical British attitude of contempt for the possible enemy. +But General French showed all that stubborn caution which was afterwards +to mark his handling of the British mercenaries, and which is about to +cost him so dearly. + +"Don't be a fool, Horace," he mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable +silence. + + * * * + +Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived with them, was a most interesting old +lady. She seemed to be in the secrets of all the Royal Family and other +highly placed personages, and told me many interesting things about +them. "Ah, my dear," she would say, "they tell us in the papers that +King George is shooting at Windsor, but----" and then she would nod her +head mysteriously. "He's a _working_ king," she went on after a little. +"He doesn't waste his time on _sport_." In the light of after-events it +is probable that she was right; and that when His Majesty George the +Fifth was supposed to be at Windsor he was in reality in Belgium, +looking out for sites for the notorious British siege-guns which have +murdered so many of our brave soldiers. + +In this connection I must relate one extraordinary incident. Young Mrs. +Brigsworth had an album of celebrated people in the British political +and social world. She was herself distantly connected, she told me, +through her mother's people, with several well-known Society families, +and it interested her to collect these photographs and paste them into a +book. One day she was showing me her album, and I noticed that, on +coming to a certain page, she turned hurriedly over, and began +explaining a group on the next page very volubly. + +"What was that last one?" I asked. "Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?" + +"Oh, that was nothing," she said quickly. "I didn't know I had that one; +I must throw it away." + +However, she had not been quick enough. I had seen the photograph; and +events which have happened since have made it one of extraordinary +significance. + +It was a photograph of the First Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in +bathing costume! + +As soon as I was left alone I turned to the photograph. "The First Lord +amuses himself on his holiday" were the words beneath it. "Amuses +himself!" Can there be any doubt in the mind of an impartial German that +even then England had decided to violate the neutrality of Belgium, and +that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, examining the possibilities +of Ostend as a base for submarines? + +No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had hurriedly turned over the page! + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + + "When the war was declared, 25,000 Bedouins were recruited in + Hebrun, but they were without food for three days and returned + to their homes saying this was not a Holy War."--_Peshawar Daily + News_. + +Their actual words were: "This is a----" well, _not_ a Holy War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Art Patron (to R.A.)._ "WE'VE LOST SO MUCH SINCE THE WAR +THAT WE'VE COME TO ASK IF YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO KEEP THIS PORTRAIT OF MY +WIFE AS CLEOPATRA."] + + * * * * * + + CHALK AND FLINT. + + Comes there now a mighty rally + From the weald and from the coast, + Down from cliff and up from valley, + Spirits of an ancient host; + Castle grey and village mellow, + Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold, + Crumbling church and cracked martello + Echo to this chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old!_ + + Screaming gull and lark a-singing, + Bubbling brook and booming sea, + Church and cattle bells a-ringing + Swell the ghostly melody; + "Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye, + Mingling with our dust below! + Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye + This our chant of long ago!" + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the days of long ago!_ + + Hills that heed not Time or weather, + Sussex down and Kentish lane, + Roads that wind through marsh and heather + Feel the mail-shod feet again; + Chalk and flint their dead are giving-- + Spectres grim and spectres bold-- + Marching on to cheer the living + With their battle-chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Witness Norman! Witness Roman! + Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old._ + + * * * * * + + "WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?" + +Those who wish to give practical expression to the approval of the +scheme for raising Military Bands to encourage recruiting--the subject +of one of _Mr. Punch's_ cartoons of last week--are earnestly invited to +send contributions to the LORD MAYOR at the Mansion House. Further +information may be obtained at the offices of "Recruiting Bands," 16, +Regent Street, S.W. + + * * * * * + +From a schoolboy's essay on the War:-- + + "When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces." + +This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of the official +War-bread. + + * * * * * + +Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:-- + + "Alas! what boots it with incessant care + To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?" + _Milton: "Lycidas."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_as his father exhibits his new Volunteer +uniform_). "WELL! MOTHER--I SAY! THIS BRINGS WAR HOME TO US, DOESN'T +IT?"] + + * * * * * + + OUR PERSONAL COLUMN. + +Many of the other papers have a Personal Column. Why should not _Mr. +Punch_ have one? + +He shall. + + * * * + +MLLE. FORGETMÉNOT bien arrivée à Londres le 14 Février. Où est M. +Valentin? + + * * * + +K.--Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly brke. Try yr uncl.--M. + + * * * + +JEHOSHAPHAT.--Will all Jehoshaphats combine to send bridge tables to the +Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, limited to £10 each, should +be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., 25, Sun Row, Chelsea. + + * * * + +FLORENCE.--I was there and waited from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do +this often as I have tendency to pneumonia. + + * * * + +WILL anyone lend young man £500 on note of hand alone to enable him to +procure clothes in which to present himself at recruiting office? +Nothing but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps him from enlisting.--Box +41, Office of this paper. + + * * * + +FOUND in neighbourhood of the Adelphi.--An Iron Cross, evidently awarded +by the KAISER. Initials upon it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously +invited to apply for it in person.--E. G., Foreign Office. + + * * * + +SHIRTS for our troops at the Front are still urgently needed. Please +send needles, cotton and material to Sister Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, +W.C. All persons desiring to sing about her activities should note that +the song is not published by Brothers Boosey but by another firm. + + * * * + +LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, between Acton and Blackheath, a +one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.--Anyone returning the same to +X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive 1/- reward and no questions +asked. + + * * * + +SMITH.--Will everyone named Smith at once send a sovereign to John +Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? Patriotic purpose to which money will +be put will be explained later. + + * * * + +WIFE of popular actor now serving in France would much appreciate the +loan of a London house, with servants and motor car thrown in.--Box 81, +Office of this paper. + + * * * + +A.B.C.--Please make no further effort to meet me. The depth of my +loathing for you can never be expressed in words, at least not in this +column.--J. + + * * * + +POLLIES.--Will all the Pollies of England kindly help a poor Polly to +continue her lessons in voice production.--Write POLLY, 2, Birdcage +Walk. + + * * * + +TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters contain good vivid accounts of +picturesque occurrences at the Front. _The Daily Inexactitude_ places no +limit on the writer's imagination. + + * * * + +YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust health, who has failed in everything +he has yet undertaken and does not approve of warfare, would like +situation as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to wealthy absentee +landowner.--Apply Box 29, Office of this paper. + + * * * * * + + The _Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger_, speaking of the four Turks who + succeeded in crossing the Suez Canal and who have since been + taken prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the four gallant + Turkish swimmers will now do good work in Egypt." + +We have no doubt that work will be found for them and that the prison +authorities will shield them from the dangers of a life of indulgent +idleness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SOUND AND FURY." + +KAISER. "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?" + +ADMIRAL VON TIRPITZ. "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE." + +KAISER. "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, 8th February._--Debate on Army Estimates +prefaced by statement from PRIME MINISTER casting gleam of lurid light +on a War of which this is the 190th day. Answering a question he said +the total number of British Army casualties in the Western area of the +War is approximately 104,000 of all ranks. This, of course, does not +include the death-roll in the Navy, a heavy tale of losses due far more +to mine and submarine than to fair fights on the open sea. But standing +alone it is not much less than one-half of the number of men, including +Militia, voted in the Waterloo year now dead a century. Numerically a +trifle compared with the huge gaps made in ranks of the enemy. +Nevertheless it represents sufficiently appalling sacrifice, chargeable +to the account of one man's whim. + +[Illustration: "EXCEEDING THE WILDEST DREAMS OF MARLBOROUGH OR +WELLINGTON."] + +Army Estimates for year, introduced by TENNANT in a speech equally lucid +and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary aspect. With an Army on +active service and in training exceeding in number the wildest dreams of +MARLBOROUGH or WELLINGTON, the aggregate sum asked for is £15,000. Seems +odd since, as UNDER SECRETARY FOR WAR in interesting aside stated, the +Army costs more in a week than the total estimate for the Waterloo +campaign, which stands on record at the modest sum of £6,721,880. + +This only a little official joke designed partly to relieve tension of +critical times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of enemy. Idea of Germany +cherished at War Office is that she is a sort of innocent Little Red +Riding Hood whose legitimate curiosity may be evaded either by +withholding information or mystifying it by administration of small +doses dealt out at safe intervals of time. Hence the Press Bureau, which +to-night came in for rough handling from both sides of House. + +[Illustration: "IDEA OF GERMANY CHERISHED AT WAR OFFICE IS THAT SHE IS A +SORT OF INNOCENT LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD."] + +If usual detailed account of expenditure on Army were set forth, the +German General Staff would know exactly what was in front of them in +respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible little army" which seven +months ago embarked upon a crusade more self-sacrificing, more glorious +than any recorded in the story of Britain. Failing that, they naturally +know nothing and will go on blundering in the dark. + +Accordingly Votes submitted to-night were what the Treasury calls +"token" estimates, each thousand pounds of the fifteen representing +untold millions to be expended on various services of the War. On this +understanding, Committee, practically without debate, amidst stern but +quietly expressed determination to go on to the end at whatever cost, +voted an establishment of three million men. + +_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday._--For first time since reassembling House sat up to closing +hour, 11 o'clock. Discussion of Army Estimates resumed. Committee has +advantage of WALTER LONG'S lead of Opposition. Shrewd, tactful, +conciliatory. Among miscellaneous Questions coming up was condition of +some of the huts contracted for by War Office. WALTER LONG associated +himself with sharp criticism offered from various quarters. + +The MEMBER FOR SARK regrets that engagement out of town prevented his +taking part in the discussion. + +"I happen to know something at first hand about the matter," he says. "I +spend my week-ends in a district which, lying on direct route for the +Front, swarms with detachments of recruits in training. In the late +autumn, huts were built for their accommodation. Quite nice comfortable +things to look at. Some stand on desirable sites overlooking land and +sea. + +"All very well as long as autumn weather lasted. But the winter told +another tale. Season exceptionally wet. Sinful rottenness of these +so-called habitations speedily discovered. Rain poured through the roofs +as if they were made of brown paper. Nor was that all, though our poor +fellows found it sufficient. When wind blew with any force it carried +the rain through the walls of the huts, formed of thin laths, in some +cases overlapping each other by not more than a quarter of an inch. +Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, the men dressing for morning +parade found their khaki uniforms and underclothing soaking wet. After +this had been stood for a week or ten days, the huts were condemned and +the recruits billeted upon inhabitants of neighbouring town. + +"This not mere gossip, you understand. Circumstances simply related to +me by the men themselves, some interrupting narrative with fits of +coughing inevitable result of nightly experience. Nor were they +complaining. Just mentioned the matter as presumably unavoidable episode +in preliminary stage of career of men giving up all and risking their +lives to save their country. + +"What I want to know is, What has been done in particular cases such +as this that must have come under notice of War Office? Have the +contractors got clear away without punishment, or have they been made +to disgorge? FINANCIAL SECRETARY TO WAR OFFICE stated in course of +debate that average cost of these encampments amounted to £13 per +man. In cases where huts are condemned, is the sorely-burdened but +cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding the money all over again, or is +the peccant contractor made to stump up?" + +_Business done._--Still harping on Army Estimates. + +_House of Lords, Thursday._--Death of Lord LONDONDERRY, buried to-day +near his English home, Wynyard Park, universally regretted. A strong +Party man, he had no personal enemies in the Opposition ranks, whether +in Lords or Commons. Unlike some distinguished Peers, notably Lord +ROSEBERY, he enjoyed advantage, inestimable in public life, of serving +an apprenticeship in the House of Commons, where he sat six years for +the Irish constituency which his famous forebear represented in the +Irish Parliament. He was born into politics. His earliest conviction, +thorough as were all he entertained, was one of distrust for DON JOSÉ, +who at the time when he sat in the House of Commons was carrying through +the country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised Programme. + +This feeling later replaced by dislike of GLADSTONE, who in the year +after Lord CASTLEREAGH, at the age of thirty-two, succeeded to the +Marquisate, brought in his Home Rule Bill. + +That was the turning point in LONDONDERRY's public life. Hitherto he had +toyed with politics as part of the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat. +Thenceforward he devoted himself heart and soul to withstanding the +advance of Home Rule, which he lived long enough to see enacted, Death +sparing him the pang of living under its administration. + +In his devotion to the fighting line rallied against Home Rule he was +encouraged and sustained by a power behind the domestic throne perhaps, +as has happened in historical cases, more dominant than its occupant. +_Cherchez la femme._ Londonderry House became the spring and centre of +an influence that had considerable effect upon political events during +more than a quarter of a century. + +LONDONDERRY's cheery presence will be missed in the Lords. His memory +will be cherished as that of one who fought stoutly for causes sacred to +a large majority of his peers. + +_Business done._--PREMIER made promised statement on subject of food +prices. Debate following was adjourned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +1. "ACH! HIMMEL!--A SHELL!" + +2. !!! + +3. "GREAT KRUPPS!--WHAT IS IT?"] + + * * * * * + + A Flower of Speech. + + "Mr. Asquith stated in the House of Commons this afternoon that + the Government were considering taking more stringent measures + against German trade as a consequence of the latter's fragrant + breach of the rules of war."--_Star._ + +Fragrant is the parliamentary way of putting it. + + * * * + "German Togoland, whose aspirations towards nationality have + been again aroused by the recent promises of the Czar, is + destined to be for us part of a new European state under the + protection of Russia." + _Leader_ (_B. E. Africa_). + +The fate of German Pololand in Africa will be decided in our next. + + * * * + "Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost of doing these works. + + Surveyor--I cannot say vbgkqis shr me." + _Wicklow Newsletter._ + +Neither can we, but we should never have thought of mentioning it to Mr. +MURPHY at this juncture. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chorus from the trench._ "WHAT 'AVE YOU GOT THERE, TOM?" + +_Tom_ (_bringing in huge Uhlan_). "SOUVENIR."] + + * * * * * + + A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA. + + V. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Our Battalion has gone. It has called back to the +ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. Even as I write it is racing +through the darkness across the Indian plains to its new station. I can +almost hear the grinding thunder of the wheels; the thud of men sleeping +on the seats as they roll off and crash upon men sleeping on the floors; +the pungent oaths mingling with the shriek of the engine whistle ... and +I am left behind in the Divisional Staff Office and attached to another +Territorial unit just arrived from England. Woe is me! + +I paid a last visit to the barracks to see my comrades before they left. +They were well and cheerful, but all suffering from a singular delusion. +When I expressed regret that I was not accompanying them owing to the +fact that my services could not be spared from the Office, they all +assured me with perfect gravity that this was not the real explanation +of my being left behind. While I have been plying the pen, they, it +appears, have reached such a state of military proficiency that to +re-introduce me into the ranks at this stage would have had a most +disintegrating effect upon the _moral_ of the entire Battalion. + +It was hard on me, they were prepared to admit, but efficiency must come +first. When, very shortly, they march down _Unter den Linden_ I must +surely recognise how very disastrous it would be for me to be there with +my rifle at an unprofessional slope. It would be so noticeable in the +pictures afterwards. + +They were all full of kindly commiseration about my future. They, of +course, will presently be leaving for the Front. England will ring from +end to end with the story of their prowess. In six weeks they will have +beaten the Germans to a standstill. Then--best of all--they will return +home, covered with glory and medals, to be received with frantic +demonstrations of joy, affection and adulation. + +Several years later, I gather, I may (if exceptionally lucky) return to +England unhonoured and unsung, with indelible inkstains on my fingers +and three vaccination marks on my left forearm as my only mementoes of +the Great War. On the other hand, having got fairly into the grip of the +Indian Government, it is quite likely that I shall end my days here. + +Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, one of them generously promised +to present me with a few Iron Crosses which he anticipates collecting on +the battlefield. But this gift, he was at pains to point out, was +contingent upon the very improbable circumstance of my surviving plague, +dysentery, enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite and other perils +of a prolonged sojourn in India. + +In the immediate future I can unfortunately see for myself that my +prospects are of the gloomiest. When I mildly suggested to my Colour +Sergeant that he should send me my pay by post each week from the new +station, he stared at me fixedly and reminded me with unnecessary and +offensive emphasis that I was now attached to another regiment, and that +he had finally and thankfully washed his hands of all responsibility +concerning me. When I sought out my new Colour, he informed me even more +emphatically that I was merely attached to his company for disciplinary +purposes and that it was blooming well useless for me to look to him for +pay. So there I am. + +It is the same with rations. None were sent for me this morning. It is +tolerably certain that none will be sent to-morrow. + +Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing end to a promising career, +won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if Lord KITCHENER knew the facts of the +case he would do something about it. Perhaps you could approach him on +the matter. Still, I have read somewhere that life can be supported on +four bananas a day. I can get eight bananas for an anna here, and I have +Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my money belt. I leave you to work it +out. + +I remember now that a wandering Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at +Christmas that I should live to be 107. That was one of his best points. +He also told me that I should be married three times and have eleven +children; that I had a kind heart; that a short dark lady was interested +in my career; that the KAISER would be dethroned next June; and that +fortune-telling was a precarious means of livelihood and its professors +were largely dependent upon the generosity of wealthy _sahibs_ such as +myself. Wealthy! + +But he was a true prophet in one particular. He foretold that I should +shortly be unhappy on account of a parting. + +Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to say good-bye to all my friends; it +is not cheering to reflect now that they are a thousand miles away, amid +fresh and fascinating scenes, about to undergo novel and wonderful +experiences from which I am debarred. But there is one lesson which the +Army teaches very efficiently--that, whatever one's personal feelings, +orders have to be obeyed without question. + +And I suppose they also serve who only sit and refer correspondents to +obscure sub-sections and appendices of Army Regulations, India. + Yours ever, + ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS. + +BRITANNIA STILL SITTING ON THE COPPER.] + + * * * * * + + THE COLLECTOR. + +Once upon a time there was an Old Gentleman who lived in a Very +Comfortable Way; and some of his Neighbours said he was Rich and others +that, at any rate, he was Well Off, and others again that at least he +had Considerable Private Means. And when the Great War broke out it was +clear that he was much too Old to fight, and he wasn't able to speak at +Recruiting Meetings on account of an Impediment in his Speech, and he +had no Soldiers billeted upon him, because there were no Soldiers there, +and he could not take in Belgian Refugees because he lived on the East +Coast--so he just read the Papers and pottered about the Garden as he +used to do before. + +But after a time it was noticed that he began to "draw in," as his +Neighbours said. First he gave up his Motor, and when his Gardener +enlisted he didn't get Another; and he never had a Fire in his Bedroom. +And his Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded that he had been Hard +Hit by the War. But None of them knew how. + +Then he began to travel Third Class and gave up Smoking Cigars. And they +thought he was waiting till the Stock Exchange opened. + +Then they noticed that he got no new Clothes and his old ones were not +so smart as they used to be. And as the Stock Exchange was open by now +they began to believe that he must have become a Miser and was getting +meaner as he got older. And they all said it was a Pity. But he went on +reading the Papers and pottering round the Garden much as before. + +And the Tradespeople found that the Books were not so big as they used +to be, and they began to say that it was a Pity when people who had +Money didn't know how to spend it. + +But the Truth is that they were all wrong; he was a Collector. That was +how the Money went. + +He never told anyone about his Collection, but he kept it in the Top +Drawer of his Desk till it got too big and overflowed into the Second +Drawer, and then into the Third, and so on. + +He was quite determined that his Collection should be complete and +should contain Every Sound Specimen--that was partly why he kept reading +the Papers. But he didn't mind having Duplicates as long as they had +Different Dates. There was one Specimen of which he got a Duplicate +every Week. + +One of his Rules was never to allow any Specimen into his Collection +unless it had a Stamp on it. + +It was quite a New Sort of Collection. It was made up of Receipts from +the People who were running All The Different War Funds. + + * * * * * + + THE SOLDIER'S COAT. + +After his ample dinner, William sank into the big chair before the fire, +and with a book on his knee became lost in thought. + +He woke half-an-hour later to observe that Margaret was knitting. + +"It's sheer waste of time," he told her, "to make anything of wool that +colour." + +"Is it?" she asked sweetly. + +"If there's no more khaki or brown wool left in the shops, you should +make something of flannel. Any self-respecting soldier would rather be +frost-bitten to death a dozen times than wear a garment of pink wool." + +"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, smiling. + +"Besides, you really ought to stick to the beaten track--belts, mufflers +and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs." + +"This is going to be a coat," she said, holding it up and surveying it +with satisfaction. + +"A coat?--that handful of pink, a coat? That feeble likeness of an +egg-cosy, a coat? A pink woollen coat for a British soldier! My poor +friend over there in the trenches, whoever you are, may Heaven help you! +And may Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this night's work!" + +"I shan't finish it to-night--it'll take days. And he'll be very proud +of it, I know." + +"Who will?" + +"The soldier-boy will. Bless his heart; he's a born fighter--anyone can +see it with half an eye. Mabel says----" + +"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? Well, what's Donald doing to allow +Mabel to take such an interest in this precious soldier-boy who is +prepared to be proud of a coat of soft pink wool? Who is the idiot?" + +"He's no idiot, and his name's Peter," said Margaret. + +"Peter! Peter what?" + +"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull yourself together, and try to realise +that you have been an uncle for at least three weeks. Donald and Mabel +are going to call him 'Peter'--didn't I tell you?" + + * * * * * + + "South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from shells and + shrapnel."--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +Just the place for our shy young sister +Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in. + + "On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, an engineer, + joined the Belgian Flying Corps, and did most useful work, being + complimented by his King for his invention of a new kind of + aircomb." + _Daily Mirror._ + +Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with a couple of spikes missing. + + * * * * * + + THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY. + + [Even the more obscure of the American papers often contain + important news of the doings of the British army many days + before the Censor allows the information to be published in + England.] + + I am told that few exploits are finer + Than a battle our Blankshires have won, + So bring me _The Michigan Miner_, + For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done; + If _The Miner_'s not easy to hit on, + Get _The Maryland Trumpet_; it treats + Of a story that's kept, to the Briton, + As dark as the Westminster streets! + + As our soldiers from north of the Border + Some vital positions have stormed, + Put _The Oregon Message_ on order + To keep me completely informed! + One moment! I've just heard a rumour + That the Germans' whole front has been cleft-- + Quick! Rush for _The Tennessee Boomer_; + Heaven grant that a copy is left! + + Each day in this keep-it-dark city, + Officials, to us, seem unkind + To censor such news without pity, + But, of course, they've an object in mind; + For a man, when his spirits touch zero + Through a natural yearning for facts, + Will enlist, and _himself_ be a hero + Where no one can censor his ACTS! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Patriot._ "AH! I SEE YOU HAVEN'T YET CHANGED THE +NAME OF YOUR EAU-DE-COLOGNE." + +_Second Patriot._ "PARDON ME, MADAM. I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF +LABELLING MY NEW SUPPLY 'COLOGNE WATER.'"] + + * * * * * + + AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM. + +O authors, remember to join your flats! + +The novel was going splendidly. I had been revelling in it. I was +sitting in one chair, with my feet in another, not far from the fire, +plunged in the story, when all of a sudden my pleasure went. + +It was in Chapter xvii., where the young doctor takes a taxi and rushes +up to the actress's flat so as to be there first, before Lord +Burlington. You must understand that the young doctor is newly in +practice and has the greatest difficulty in making both ends meet. Well, +it says that he sprang from the cab and was half-way up the stairs in a +moment. That was all right, but the point is that he stayed two hours +hunting for the missing letter. Now this is a very exciting passage, +because we know that the detective may be here any minute, and Lord +Burlington is coming too, and if either of them--well, the point is +that, owing to the author forgetting to make the young doctor pay the +taxi-man, all my pleasure went. + +I am not unduly economical, but I hate downright waste, and here was the +taximeter ticking all through the rest of that chapter and the next, and +further still. Had it been Lord Burlington's cab I should have cared +less, for he was rich; had it been the detective's I should not have +cared at all, because the driver might have gone to Scotland Yard for +his money. But the young doctor was so poor, and sooner or later he +would have to come out of the flat again, and then he would be caught +and faced with an impossible bill; and this got on my nerves. + +As I say, the story was frightfully exciting just there, but I found +myself, instead of participating in the excitement, saying, "Another +twopence"; "Twopence more"; "It must be four shillings by now," "Five +shillings," and so on. Not even when the face of the Chinaman appeared +at the window--he had climbed up the water-pipe and had a dagger in his +teeth--could I really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by now," was all I +said. + +The result was that the effect of the book was lost on me and I cared +nothing for what happened to any one. The taximeter ticked through every +subsequent page. Long after we got away from London altogether and the +young doctor was on his way to Hong Kong, racing the detective, I still +heard the taximeter ticking; just because the man had never been paid. +It ticked through the wedding bells; and it ticked through the +strangling of Lord Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, with which +the story closes. + +And that is why I say, O authors, remember to join your flats. + + * * * * * + + The Slump in Prussians. + + (SORTES VERGILIANÆ.) + + "_Procumbit humi Bosch._" + + * * * * * + + AT THE PLAY. + + "SEARCHLIGHTS." + +The title was not, of course, meant to deceive, for Mr. VACHELL is an +honest man; and anyhow the critics, for that is their business, would be +swift to disillusionize the public; but in our permissible state of +suspicion, the audience might easily be led to suppose from the word +"Searchlights," combined with the early appearance of an imported Teuton +in the person of _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_, that spy-work was in the air. +But the genial domesticity of this naturalized Scot quickly disposed of +our unworthy apprehensions, and we soon learned that his _provenance_ +had no bearing upon the issue. + +That issue was concerned with a question of paternity, whose acuteness +happened to be contemporaneous with that of the present European crisis. +I say "happened"; for here again I cast no reflection upon Mr. VACHELL'S +intent, or suggest that the war-element in his play was introduced as an +afterthought into his original scheme. If it was, which I doubt, then +the patchwork was cleverly concealed; and my only complaint must be of a +certain obscurity in the relation between the two patterns in his +design. For if the title implied that the effect of the War was to throw +a searchlight into the dark places of the human heart (as distinguished +from its influence upon our City streets), I do not think that in the +case of _Robert Blaine's_ heart, if he had one, the author has made this +operation sufficiently clear. + +Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, born after five years of barren wedlock, +who was the object of her husband's profound detestation. After some +twenty years--a little late, perhaps, in the day, but the author wished +us to be present when he did it--_Robert Blaine_, at a moment when his +wife is trying to get her boy out of a tight corner, declares an +inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, and she makes confession of her +fault. Subsequently--in a "strong" scene--she recants, alleging that her +confession was a work of creative art, produced in a spasm of spite; and +everybody except the immovable _Blaine_ is vastly relieved. + +But not for long, for she presently recants her recantation. You will +guess that, though a little shaken, we were not in despair, but looked +hopefully for a re-recantation. But you are in error. Her second +confession, though no words passed her lips, was obviously final. And +what induced it? What was the piece of conviction? If you will believe +me, it was just a photograph with which her husband confronted her--an +old photograph of her lover that she mistook for her son's, so close was +the likeness. This was surely a flaw in Mr. VACHELL'S scheme, for it is +unbelievable that she should have hitherto overlooked this fatal +resemblance, even if her attention had not as a fact been called to it +by a garrulous friend at quite an early stage in the proceedings of the +play. + +[Illustration: ROBERT BLAINE EXPERIENCING HOW VERY MUCH SHARPER THAN A +SERPENT'S TOOTH IT IS TO HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE'S THANKLESS CHILD. + + _Robert Blaine_ MR. H. B. IRVING. + _Harry Blaine_ MR. REGINALD OWEN.] + +Another weakness, common enough where an author wants to show a variety +of types and excuses himself from the trouble of assorting them, was to +be seen in the extreme improbability of the friendship between _Blaine_ +and _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_. These two were always staying in one +another's houses yet there never could have been the smallest of tastes +in common between the dour and moody financier and the light-hearted +consumer of lager beer and _delikatessen_. + +But I prefer, if you please, to dwell upon the shining virtues of Mr. +VACHELL'S _Searchlights_. With the exception of an interlude or two of +needless triviality--_Lady Schmaltz's_ sobbing scene, for instance--the +essentials of the tragic theme held us grimly in their grasp. But always +we could find relief in the author's humanity, revealed not only in the +passionate devotion of the mother's heart, but in the persuasive +character of her boy, and the unaffected quality of his relations both +to her and to the girl who wanted his love. + +Mr. VACHELL would be the first to acknowledge, and generously, how much +he owes to the really remarkable performance, as _Mrs. Blaine_, of Miss +FAY DAVIS, who can never before have accomplished so high an +achievement. But the matter was there for her clever hands to shape, and +that was the author's doing. + +Mr. HARRY IRVING'S, too, was a fine performance, though, from the moment +of his entrance, a figure of sinister portent, he lacked all contrast of +light and shade. But, to be just, that was hardly in the part, as +made--deliberately, so it seemed--for those particular methods of which +he is the master. + +As for Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, if all Teutons, naturalized or other, were like +his _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_ (or _Sir Keith Howard_, as he called himself +after the War began, on the principle that the best was good enough for +him) I should have small ground of quarrel with the race. But how this +joyous German ever came to wear a kilt and own a deer-forest I cannot +hope to understand, for there was no hint of Semitic origin in his face +or composition. + +Mr. REGINALD OWEN made a most human soldier-boy, and I shall never want +to meet a Guardsman with a better manner or an easier sense of humour. I +remark, by the way, that young _Blaine_ is the second stage-hero (the +first was in _The Cost_) whom the War has affected in the head. + +Miss MARGERY MAUDE, though she had the rather ungrateful part of a girl +who is quite ready, thank you, to be loved as soon as you feel like it, +played, as always, with a very perfect tact and charm. + +Finally, Miss KATE BISHOP was her dear old self, and Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' +sketch of a solicitor was as bright as it was brief. + +I venture to offer my best compliments both to the cast and to the +author, and to hope that his _Searchlights_ may serve well to pierce the +shadows of the night through which we are passing. + O. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_late gamekeeper_). "MARK OVER!"] + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + + (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Miss VIOLA MEYNELL brings to her analysis of character an astonishingly +acute observation and insight, an intimate sympathy, a quiet, leavening, +sometimes faintly malicious, humour; and to her synthesis a +conscientious and dexterous artistry in selection and arrangement which +gives a vividly objective reality to her creations. So that you may put +down her _Columbine_ (SECKER) with something like the guilty feeling of +an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon three girls is her main theme, +and it is difficult to overpraise her skill and restraint in the +handling of it. _Lily Peak_, the actress, beautiful, passionless, +incompetent, with her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand +philosophy of living, is a veritable _tour de force_ of characterisation +which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And between this +pretty nonentity and _Jennifer_, the competent, the loyal and the deep, +with her occasional flashes of beauty and her innocent provocativeness, +_Dixon Parrish_, one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded +modern young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. _Alison_, +his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, moves +unquiet on the well-planned background which holds that genially absurd +pseudo-intellectual, her father; the kindly negative _Mrs. Parrish_; +_Gilbert_, _Alison's_ lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits); +the pleasantly pretentious _Madame Barrett_ of the elocution classes; +and "that _Mrs. Smith_," who is only (but adroitly) shown through +_Lily's_ artless chatter. Miss MEYNELL chooses to write chiefly of +little moments in little lives. But she has adequate reserves of power +for bigger work, as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment +on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and meanwhile she has shown +herself mistress of a method singularly skilful and restrained. She does +not describe or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through +the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her characters--the +manifestly excellent way which so few have the wit or the courage to +follow. + + * * * + +_Mr. Leo Brandish_, so Miss PEGGY WEBLING assures me, intends to write +the professional biography of their mutual hero, that notable actor and +admirable gentleman, _Edgar Chirrup_ (METHUEN). In the meantime she has +told us all about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that +he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse are included +in the family portrait, with his children and the wife whom you and I, +and everyone else for that matter, realised was the one for him long +before he did. Some of the other pages in his life were less +satisfactory, more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not +in the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress jogged Fate's +elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy infatuation. If I could not +forget or ever quite understand this episode, neither could "_Chirps_" +himself in the years that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty +that had already won my affections were pleading for his release, with +the ladies (Fate and Miss WEBLING, I mean) collaborating over his +destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any but the happiest of endings +had been in store for the hero and his _Ruth_, for sweeter and simpler +folk have seldom been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public +into arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would seem to be +just that they have been able to catch the qualities of sympathy and +sincerity that belonged in the first case to the manner of the telling +of their story; so perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them +from the start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in +this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. Here is +tenderness without mawkishness, humour without noise, a sufficiency of +action without harshness of outline; most surprising, here is a story, +in which many of the characters are of the Stage, presented with an +entire absence of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, +one expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean +achievement. And so--my congratulations. + + * * * + +_Through the Ages Beloved_ (HUTCHINSON) might be fairly described as an +unusual story. I am bound to say that I both admired and enjoyed it; but +at the same time a more tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. +For the benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the +plot--whose scene is laid in Japan--is reincarnation. Consequently, +though the hero, _Kanaya_, begins as a modern student who has fought +through the Russo-Japanese war, you must be prepared to find him and +yourself switched suddenly without any warning into the remote past. I +am not quite sure that Mr. H. GRAHAME RICHARDS has been playing the game +here. So unheralded is the transference that even the close and careful +reader will experience some bewilderment; as, for example, when the +heroine, whose own name remains the same in both ages, re-enters with +different parents. As for the skipper, his doom will be confusion +unmitigated. However, once you have found your bearings again, there is +much to admire in the treatment of a time and a place so eminently +picturesque. Mr. RICHARDS' pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the +delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean air, the +colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, a flight of birds +crossing a garden of azaleas--all these are realized with obvious +knowledge and enthusiasm, and more than compensate for the intricacy of +the plot. But this is certainly there. Once only was I myself near +vanquished. This was when the _Kanaya_ of the past, himself the result +of the modern _Kanaya_ hitting his head on a stone, began to hint of +uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian future. Here I +confess that (like _Alice_ and _The Red King_) I longed for some +authoritative pronouncement as to who was the genuine dreamer, and who +would "go out." Still, an original story, and one to be read, even if +with knitting of brows. + + * * * + +[Illustration: THE PASSPORT WITH ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPH SOMETIMES +AROUSES SUSPICION. ONE SELDOM LOOKS LIKE ONESELF IMMEDIATELY AFTER A +ROUGH CHANNEL CROSSING.] + + * * * + +There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as a pot-boiler a +story that, when no longer in its first youth, can enjoy a second +blooming at ten shillings and sixpence net, in its own cardboard box, +and embellished with any quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures. +Yet I fear that this is my impression about _The Money Moon_ (SAMPSON +LOW). I have liked Mr. JEFFREY FARNOL'S other work too well to be able +to accept this at its present sumptuous face-value. You remember no +doubt how _George Bellew_, having been jilted by the girl of his +original choice, set out upon a walking tour; how on the first day of +this expedition he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing +in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant name of +Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at Dapplemere there lived a +small boy, who talked as boys do in books but nowhere else; a lavendery +old lady-housekeeper whose name (need I remind you?) was _Miss +Priscilla_; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. You recall too +how all these charming people took _George_ to their expansive hearts, +and welcomed him as the ideal hero, without apparently once noticing +that he must at the moment (on the author's own showing) have had a +swollen nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. The +whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that in America, where +_The Money Moon_ is at present shining more brightly than with us, there +exists a steady demand for this rather saccharine fiction. So let us +leave it at that. + + * * * + +There must be many persons (I am one of them myself) who, when +confronted with a topical burlesque of _Alice in Wonderland_, would +confess to a little regret. The book is such a treasured joy that one +hates to have any hands, even the cleverest, laid upon it. Yet the deed +is so often done that there is clearly a large public that does not +share this view. Therefore a welcome seems assured for what is +certainly, so far, the wittiest of the attempts, _Malice in Kulturland_ +(THE CAR ILLUSTRATED), written by HORACE WYATT, with pictures by TELL. +The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their task makes me +wish that my personal prejudice had allowed me to appreciate it more +whole-heartedly. Especially neat is the transformation of the _Cheshire +Cat_ into a _Russian Bear_, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a +clever drawing of this). You remember how, at _Alice's_ request, the +_Cat_ kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to grin? The +_Bear_ does the same, "beginning with an official statement, and ending +with a rumour, which was still very persistent for some time +afterwards." Mr. WYATT has certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall +look to see him developing in other and more virgin fields. + + * * * * * + + "CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?" + _Bristol Observer._ +They can be withdrawn with a pin. + + * * * * * + + "An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm, + Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb." + _Yorkshire Evening Post._ + +One would have expected a lion in these martial days. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United. + +On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +148, February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 *** diff --git a/44179-h/44179-h.htm b/44179-h/44179-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dcfaa28 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/44179-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2836 @@ + +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + +<head> + +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8" /> + +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, February 17, 1915.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +<!-- + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + +p {text-align: justify;} + +p.author {margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;} + +p.center {text-align: center;} + +p.indent {text-indent: 1.5em;} + +blockquote {text-align: justify;} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + +pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + +hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + +html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + +hr.full {width: 100%;} + +html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + +hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + +html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + +.note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;} + +.poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + +.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + +.poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + +.figure {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figcenter {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figright {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figleft {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figure img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figcenter img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figright img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figleft img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figure p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figcenter p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figright p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figleft p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} .figure p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figright p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figleft p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter {margin: auto;} + +.figright {float: right;} + +.figleft {float: left;} + +--> + +span.cursive {font-family: "Blackmoor LET", cursive;} + +div.tnote { + border-style: dotted; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + padding: 1%; + font-style: normal; + font-size: 90%; + text-align: justify; +} +</style> + +</head> + +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 ***</div> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 148.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>February 17th 1915.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span></p> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p class="indent">The Turks are now reported to be +retiring through the desert, and the +Germans are realising that you may +take a horse to the place where there's +no water, but you cannot make him +drink.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">"Rapid progress," we read, "is being +made in the American movement to +supply soldiers at the battle fronts in +Europe with Bibles printed in their +own languages." We trust that one +will be supplied to the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>, who, +if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid +it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Suggested title for Germany and her +allies—The Hunseatic League.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i>, +talking of the proposed +blockade, says, "The dance +will begin on February 18." +Germania's toe may not be +light, but it is fantastic.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">You may know a man by +the company he keeps. The +<span class="smcap">Kaiser's</span> friends are now +the Jolly Roger and Sir +<span class="smcap">Roger Casement</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Messrs. <span class="smcap">Hagenbeck</span>, of +Hamburg, are sending +Major <span class="smcap">Mehring</span>, the German +Commandant at Valenciennes, +an elephant. So +we may expect shortly to +be told by wireless that a +large Indian body has gone +over to the Germans.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Earl <span class="smcap">Grey</span>, speaking at Newcastle +on the War, said that a German passenger +on the <i>Vaterland</i> remarked to +him, "Can you wonder that we hunger? +We have been hungry for two hundred +years and only had one satisfying meal—in +1870. We have become hungry +again." The pity, of course, is that +so few Germans can eat quite like +gentlemen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed +their body belts "the dado +round the dining-room." In the whirligig +of fashion the freeze is now being +ousted by its predecessor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Much of the credit for the admirable +feeding of our Expeditionary Force is +due, we learn, to Brigadier-General +<span class="smcap">Long</span>, the Director of Supplies. As +a caustic Tommy, pointing to his +"dining-room," remarked, "one wants +but little here below, but wants that +little Long."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The <i>Deutsche Tageszeitung</i> informs +its readers that "the men of the +North Lancashire Regiment recently +attempted to force a swarm of bees to +attack German soldiers, but the bees +turned on the British and severely +stung one hundred and twenty of them." +After this success it is reported that +the Death's Head Hussars are adopting +a wasp as a regimental pet.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Talking of regimental pets, the lucky +recipient of Princess <span class="smcap">Mary's</span> Christmas +gift that was packed by the <span class="smcap">Queen</span> is +Private <span class="smcap">Pet</span>, of the Leinster Regiment.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">With reference to the private view +of a collapsible hut at the College of +Ambulance last week it is only fair to +say that there is good reason to believe +that not a few of those already +erected will shortly come under this +description.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Russian Minister of Finance, +<span class="smcap">M. Bark</span>, paid a visit to this country +last week, and it is rumoured that he +had an interview with another financial +magnate, Mr. <span class="smcap">Beit</span>, with a view to +forming an ideal combination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Says an advertisement of the Blue +Cross Fund:—"All horses cared for. +Nationality not considered." This +must save the Fund's interpreters a +good deal of trouble.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Corporation of the City of London +reports that diminished lighting, +so far from increasing the dangers of +the City streets, has reduced them, +the accidents during the past quarter +being only 331 as compared with 375 +a year ago. However, a proposal +that the lights shall now be entirely +extinguished with a view to reducing +the casualties to <i>nil</i> has not yet been +adopted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">A gentleman has written to <i>The +Globe</i> to complain that at Charing +Cross Station there are signs printed +in German indicating the whereabouts +of the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. +We certainly think that, while we are +at war, these ought, so as to confuse +the enemy, to point in wrong directions.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Germany is now suffering from +extreme cold, and the advice to German +housewives to cook potatoes in their +jackets is presumably a measure of +humanity.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">To Mr. <span class="smcap">Watt's</span> enquiry in the House +as to how many German submarines +had been destroyed, Mr. <span class="smcap">Churchill</span> +replied, "The German Government +has made no return." +Let us hope that +this is true also of a good +few of the submarines.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><i>Der Tag</i>, it is announced, +is to be withdrawn from +the Coliseum. They could +do with it, we believe, in +Germany.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Theatrical folk will be +interested to hear that in +the Eastern Theatre of +War there has been furious +fighting for the passes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/121.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Turk.</i> "<span class="smcap">I say, you fellows! Do you see the other Allies +are pooling their Funds? Capital idea!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The power of Great Britain +and her Allies was increasing +daily in strength, whereas the +power of her enemies was distinctly +on the wane. The existing +situation had been brought +about without the vest resources of the Empire +having yet been called in to play."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Are we to understand, that, so far, we +have only called out the socks and +body-belts?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"There is but one survival among the +historic shows of the [Crystal] Palace—a +portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking +one another 'What next?'</p> + +<p class="indent">A meeting of the directors of the Crystal +Palace Football Club is to be summoned to +decide on a course of action."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>The Evening News.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Without wishing to be needlessly +offensive to either of these bodies, we +venture to suggest that they should +combine their deliberations.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"If ... England and France keep the +police of the sea with the utmost vigilance, so +that no copper at all can reach Germany and +Austria, the fate of both Empires seems +certain."—<i>Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The land police must be guarded even +more vigorously if "no copper at all" +is to slip over.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span></p> + +<h2>THE GODS OF GERMANY.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his +country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be permitted +to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious life of Germany."]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends!</p> +<p class="i2">From East and West the heretic comes swooping,</p> +<p>But all in vain his impious strength he spends</p> +<p class="i2">If you refuse to let him catch you stooping;</p> +<p class="i4">All goes serenely up to date;</p> +<p class="i4">Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Deutschland—that beacon in the general night—</p> +<p class="i2">Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in,</p> +<p>Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right,</p> +<p class="i2">Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin;</p> +<p class="i4">O let us, in this wicked war,</p> +<p class="i4">Stick tight to Odin and to Thor!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Over our race these gods renew their reign;</p> +<p class="i2">For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing;</p> +<p>Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane</p> +<p class="i2">Attest the force of your religious feeling;</p> +<p class="i4">Not Thor's own hammer could have made</p> +<p class="i4">A better job of this crusade.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>In such a cause all ye that lose your breath</p> +<p class="i2">Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla;</p> +<p>And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death,</p> +<p class="i2">The fresh young houri promised you by Allah;</p> +<p class="i4">Between the two—that chance and this—</p> +<p class="i4">Your Heaven should be hard to miss.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE PASSPORT.</h2> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Your nose?" she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes," I said, "my nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. +It is Sir <span class="smcap">Edward Grey</span>, the—ahem—Secretary of State +for Foreign Affairs. In the midst of all his tremendous +duties he still has time to ask me to tell him what my +nose is like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney +Hatch. Will somebody tell me what this man is talking +about?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is +no mystery about it."</p> + +<p class="indent">"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see +it with the naked eye."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to +go to France. Therefore I may want a passport. I am +now filling in an application for it, and I find to my regret +that I have got to give details of my personal appearance, +including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all you can +do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? +Is it even wifely?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"But why can't you describe it yourself?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know +about his own nose? He only sees it full-face for a few +minutes every morning when he's shaving or parting his +hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile the +dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his +best to forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, +I haven't the vaguest notion what my nose is really like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down +as a loud blower and a hearty sneezer."</p> + +<p class="indent">"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span>. He doesn't want to know what it sounds like, but +what it looks like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Ye—es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean +delicate——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I don't," she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome."</p> + +<p class="indent">"It isn't," she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' +do? Aren't some noses called aquiline?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. +Try again."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me +that my nose is turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do +not want to have a turned-up nose, and what's more I don't +mean to have one, not even to please the British Foreign +Office and all its permanent officials."</p> + +<p class="indent">"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a +Roman nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I +dipped my pen and prepared to write the word down in the +blank space on the application form.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. +Now that I look at you again I'm not sure that yours +is a Roman nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting +things. It must, it shall be Roman."</p> + +<p class="indent">"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half +so Roman as mine. It is the noblest Roman of them all."</p> + +<p class="indent">"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass +it as Roman."</p> + +<p class="indent">"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Green," said Francesca.</p> + +<p class="indent">"No, grey."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Green."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Grey."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Let's compromise on grey-green."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span> will appreciate that. Oh, bother! I've written it in +the space devoted to 'hair.' However it's easy to——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. +I've often wondered what I ought to say about your hair, +and now I know. Oh, my grey-green-and-gentle-haired +one!"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what +about my eyes?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's +done."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. +Now I know what it is to have a real helper. Complexion +next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good word for complexion?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes, for some."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've +noticed that people who fill up blank spaces always use the +word 'normal' at least once. I shall call my complexion +normal and get it over."</p> + +<p class="indent">After this there was no further difficulty. I took the +remaining blank spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes +the application form was filled up. Having then secured a +clergyman who consented to guarantee my personal respectability +and having attached two photographs of myself I +packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have +not yet had any special acknowledgment from Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span>, but I take this opportunity to warn the French +authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a non-Roman +nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and +a normal complexion may be seeking admission to their +country.</p> + +<p class="author">R. C. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt=""/> +<h3>THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Teuton Troubadour</span> (<i>serenading the fair Columbia</i>). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN TO MY LOVE-SONGS, +I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/125.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Bright Youth.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes, I'm thinkin' of gettin' a commission in something. What about joinin' that crowd with the jolly +little red tabs on their collars? They look so doocid smart.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<p class="center">XII.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">My dear Charles</span>,—It must be upwards +of a month since you heard from +me; I trust you have had sleepless +nights in consequence. To be honest, +I am still in England, prepared to go +out at a moment's notice, sworn to +go, medically approved, equipped and +trained to go, but (my one weakness) +never in fact going. War, of course, is +not open to any member of the public +who cares to turn up on the field and +proffer his entrance-money; it is an +invitation show, and we have not yet +received our cards.</p> + +<p class="indent">Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon +is an intensely personal affair, and +who interested himself in it from the +purely private motives of the patriot, +in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, +or in the wicked caprice of the +law-abiding civilian lusting to travel +abroad without a ticket, go shooting +without a licence and dabble in manslaughter +without the subsequent expense +of briefing counsel,—poor old +Tolley sees a personal slight in this, +and is quite sure that K. has a down +on all of us and on himself in particular. +He has no difficulty in conceiving +of the Olympians at the War Office +spending five working days and the +Saturday half-day in deciding what +they shall do about US; writing round +to our acquaintances for our references: +"Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober and +willing, punctual in his habits, clean in +his appearance, an early riser and a +good plain warrior?" and receiving +under confidential cover unfavourable +answers; and at night in his dreams +he sees the <span class="smcap">Secretary for War</span> pondering +over our regimental photo and +telling himself that there are some +likely-looking fellows in the front row, +but you never know what they have +got hidden away in the middle; counting +up the heads and murmuring, as he +wonders when he shall send us out, +"This year, next year, some time—never."</p> + +<p class="indent">But you, Charles, must be patient +with us, supporting us with your good +will and opinion, and replying to all +who remark upon the progress of the +Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its +way, but you wait till Henry gets out +and then you'll see <i>some</i> war."</p> + +<p class="indent">Meanwhile the soldier's life continues +with us very much after the manner of +the schoolboy's. We all pretend to +ourselves that we are now on terms of +complete mutual understanding with +the C.O. and the Adjutant, but none +the less we all study their expressions +with great care before we declare ourselves +at breakfast. There are times +for jesting and there are times for not +jesting; it goes by seasons, fair and +stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's +face is a barometer. In my wilder and +more dangerous moods I have felt +tempted to tap it and see if I couldn't +effect an atmospheric change. (In +the name of goodness, I adjure you, +Charles, not to leave this letter lying +about; if it gets into print I shall lose +all my half-holidays for the next three +years or the duration of the War.)</p> + +<p class="indent">The other morning I was come for, +that is to say I was proceeding comfortably +with my breakfast at 7.55, +when I was touched on the shoulder +and told that the C.O. would be glad +to see me (or rather, <i>would</i> see me) at +orderly room at eight, a thing which, +by the grace of Heaven and the continual +exercise of low cunning on my +part, has never happened to me before. +At least they might have told me what +I had done, thought I, as I ran to my +fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, +and improvising a line of +defence applicable to any crime. Believe +me, the dock is a haven of rest +and security compared with orderly, or +ordeal, room.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> +When my turn came I advanced to +the table of inquisition, came smartly +to attention, saluted, cleared my throat +and said, "Sir!" (The correctness of +this account is not guaranteed by any +bureau.) I then cleared my throat +again and said, "Sir, it was like this." +The C.O. looked slightly nonplussed; +the Adjutant, who in all his long experience +of crime had never before seen +the accused open his mouth, began to +open his own. So I pushed on with +it. "My defence is this: in the first +place I did not do it. I wasn't there +at the time, and if I had been I +shouldn't have done it. In the second +place I did it inadvertently. In the +third place it was not a wrong thing +to do; and in the fourth place I am +prepared to make the most ample +apology, to have the same inserted in +three newspapers, and to promise never +to do it again."</p> + +<p class="indent">Orderly room was by now thoroughly +restive. "If you take a serious view +of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me +now and have done with it. Do not +keep me waiting till dawn, for I am +always at my worst and most irritable +before breakfast."</p> + +<p class="indent">When I paused for breath they took +the opportunity to inform me, rather +curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for +in order to be appointed to look after +the rations and billets of a party of +sixteen officers proceeding to a distance +that same day, and I was to dispose +accordingly. "If I had known that +was all," I said to myself, "I'd have +had my second piece of toast while it +was still lukewarm." I then withdrew, +by request. I found upon enquiry of +the Sergeant-Major, who knows all +things, that the party was to travel by +circuitous routes and arrive at 7.5 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, +whereas I, travelling <i>viâ</i> London, might +arrive at 5 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, and so have two odd +hours to prepare a home and food for +them. So into the train I got, and +there of all people struck the C.O. himself, +proceeding townwards on duty. +In the course of the journey I made it +clear to him that, if his boots required +licking, I was the man for the job.</p> + +<p class="indent">He smiled indulgently. "Referring to +that second piece of toast," he began.</p> + +<p class="indent">I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, +it is nothing," said I.</p> + +<p class="indent">"When we arrive in London," he +said, "you will lunch with me." I protested +that the honour was enormous, +but I was to arrive in London at 1.30 +and must needs proceed at 1.50.</p> + +<p class="indent">"You will lunch with me," he pursued, +adding significantly as I still +protested, "at the Savoy."</p> + +<p class="indent">After further argument, "It is the +soldier's duty to obey," I said, and we +enquired at St. Pancras as to later +trains. The conclusion of the matter +was that by exerting duress upon my +taxidriver I just caught the 4.17, which +got me to —— at 7.15, ten minutes +after the hungry and houseless sixteen.</p> + +<p class="indent">You don't think this is particularly +funny; well, no more did the sixteen. +But it was a very, very happy luncheon. +Remember that we have subsisted on +ration beef and ration everything else +for some months, and you will believe +me when I tell you that, upon seeing +a menu in French (our dear allies!), +opening with <i>crème</i> and concluding +with <i>Jacques</i>, we told the waiter to +remove the programme and give us the +foodstuffs. "Start at the beginning," +said the C.O., "and keep on at it till +you reach the end. Then stop."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop, Sir?" I asked.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all +over again" ... and so when we got +to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, +"Sir, if I may, your very good health," +meaning thereby that I forgave him +not only all the harsh things he has +said to me in the past, but even all the +harsher things he proposes to say to +me in the future.</p> + +<p class="indent">From the monotony of training we +have only occasional relief in the actual, +as for instance when we are kept out of +bed all night, Zepping. But this is a +poor game, Charles; there is not nearly +enough sport in it to satisfy the desires +of a company of enthusiasts, armed +with a rifle and a hundred rounds of +ball ammunition apiece. We feel that +the officer of the day, who inspects the +shooting party at 9.30 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> and then +sends it off about its business, is trifling +with tragic matter when he tells us: +"Now, remember; no hens!"</p> + +<p class="author">Yours ever, <span class="smcap">Henry</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt=""/> +<h3>LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Shirker.</i> "<span class="smcap">Nice bird! Say 'Polly scratch a poll!'</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Bird.</i> "<span class="smcap">Johnny, get your gun!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The battle that has been raging for +several months has now ended in a distinct +triumph for the high-necked corsage."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Tatler.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Good. Now we can devote our attention +to the other war on the Continent.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/127.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Village Wit</i> (<i>to victim of ill-timed revelry</i>). "<span class="smcap">Wotcher, William? How was Joffer when you left?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OXFORD IN WAR TIME.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Who that beheld her robed in May</p> +<p class="i2">Could guess the change that six months later</p> +<p>Has brought such wondrous disarray</p> +<p class="i4">Upon his <i>alma mater?</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Distracted by a world-wide strife,</p> +<p class="i2">The calm routine of study ceases;</p> +<p>And Oxford's academic life</p> +<p class="i4">Is broken all to pieces.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No more the intellectual youth</p> +<p class="i2">Feeds on perpetual paradoxes;</p> +<p>No longer in the quest of truth</p> +<p class="i4">The mental compass boxes.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Gone are the old luxurious days</p> +<p class="i2">When, always craving something subtler,</p> +<p>To <span class="smcap">Bergson's</span> metaphysic maze</p> +<p class="i4">He turned from <span class="smcap">Samuel Butler</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Linked by the brotherhood of arms</p> +<p class="i2">All jarring coteries are blended;</p> +<p>Mere cleverness no longer charms;</p> +<p class="i4">The cult of Blues is ended.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The boats are of their crews bereft;</p> +<p class="i2">The parks are given up to training;</p> +<p>The scanty hundreds who are left</p> +<p class="i4">All at the leash are straining.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And grave professors, making light</p> +<p class="i2">Of all the load of <i>anno domini</i>,</p> +<p>Devote the day to drill, the night</p> +<p class="i4">To <span class="smcap">Clausewitz</span> and <span class="smcap">Jomini</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>While those who feel too old to fight</p> +<p class="i2">Full nobly with the pen are serving</p> +<p>To weld conflicting views of right</p> +<p class="i4">In one resolve unswerving.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No more can essayists inveigh</p> +<p class="i2">Against the youth of Oxford, slighting</p> +<p>Her "young barbarians all at play,"</p> +<p class="i4">When nine in ten are fighting,</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And some, the goodliest and the best,</p> +<p class="i2">Beloved of comrades and commanders,</p> +<p>Have passed untimely to their rest</p> +<p class="i4">Upon the plains of <span class="smcap">Flanders</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No; when two thousand of her sons</p> +<p class="i2">Are mustered under Freedom's banner,</p> +<p>None can declaim—except the Huns—</p> +<p class="i4">Against the Oxford manner.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For lo! amid her spires and streams,</p> +<p class="i2">The lure of cloistered ease forsaking,</p> +<p>The dreamer, noble in her dreams,</p> +<p class="i4">Is nobler in her waking.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"Lest we forget."</p> + +<p class="indent">In these days, when we have to be +thankful that our country has not, like +Belgium and France, been overrun by +savages, the greater mercies we receive +are apt to obscure the less. But +Swansea does not forget the smaller +mercies. According to a recent issue +of <i>The South Wales Daily Post</i>, "The +Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the +second time to St. Nicholas' Church, +Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday +evening next, at 6.30, when the directors, +committee and the two full teams +have promised to attend the service, +that, in the words of the Rev. <span class="smcap">Percy +Weston</span>, will be in the nature of a +"thanksgiving service for their good +fortune against Newcastle United"."</p> + +<p class="indent">Our compliments to the Rev. <span class="smcap">Percy +Weston</span>, pastor of this pious and +patriot flock.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span></p> + +<h2>WHAT I DEDUCED.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">By a German Governess</span>.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, +having as large a sale in Germany as <i>What +I Found Out</i>, by an English Governess, is +having in this country.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">I shall never forget my arrival at +the house of my new employers. Into +the circumstances which forced me to +earn my living as a governess in a +strange country I need not now go. +Sufficient that I had obtained a situation +in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an +Englishman of high position living in +one of the most fashionable suburbs of +London. "Chez Nous," The Grove, +Cricklewood, was the address of my +new home, and thither on that memorable +afternoon I wended my way.</p> + +<p class="indent">"The master and mistress are out," +said the maid. "Perhaps you would +like to go straight to the nursery and +see the children?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Thank you," I said, and followed +her upstairs. Little did I imagine the +amazing scene which was to follow!</p> + +<p class="indent">In the nursery my two little charges +were playing with soldiers; a tall and +apparently young man was lying on +the floor beside them. At my entrance +he scrambled to his feet.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop the battle a moment," he said, +"while we interrogate the invader."</p> + +<p class="indent">"I am Fräulein Schmidt," I introduced +myself, "the new governess."</p> + +<p class="indent">"And I," he said with a bow, "am +Lord Kitchener. You have arrived +just in time. Another five minutes +and I should have wiped out the German +army."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you +wouldn't," shouted one of the boys.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was Lord Kitchener! He had +shaved off his heavy moustache, and +by so doing had given himself a deceptive +appearance of youth, but there +could be no doubt about his identity. +Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great +English War Lord! In the light of +after-events, how instructive was this +first meeting!</p> + +<p class="indent">"What is the game?" I asked, +hiding my feelings under a smile. +"England against Germany?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"England and Scotland and Ireland +and Australia and a few others. We +have ransacked the nursery and raked +them all in."</p> + +<p class="indent">So even at this time England had +conceived the perfidious idea of forcing +her colonies to fight for her!</p> + +<p class="indent">"And some Indian soldiers?" I +asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid +Bengal Lancers. It struck me even +then as very significant; and it is now +seen to be proof that for years previously +England had been plotting an +invasion of the Fatherland with a +swarm of black mercenaries.</p> + +<p class="indent">Lord Kitchener evidently saw what +was in my mind, and immediately +exerted all his well-known charm to +efface the impression he had created.</p> + +<p class="indent">"You mustn't think," he said with a +smile, "that the policy of the Cabinet +is in any way affected by what goes on +at 'Chez Nous.' Although Sir Edward +Grey and I——"</p> + +<p class="indent">He broke off suddenly, and, in the +light of what has happened since, very +suspiciously.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Have you had any tea?" he asked. +His relations with the notorious Grey +were evidently not to be disclosed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">I met Lord Kitchener on one other +occasion, but it is only since England +forced this war upon Europe that I +have seen that second meeting in its +proper light.</p> + +<p class="indent">I had been out shopping, and when +I came back I found him in the garden +playing with the children. We talked +for a little on unimportant matters, and +then I saw his eye wandering from me +to the drawing-room. A soldier had +just stepped through the open windows +on to the lawn.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny."</p> + +<p class="indent">As the latter came up Lord Kitchener +smacked him warmly on the back.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Well," he said, "my martial friend, +how many Germans have you killed?" +Then seeing that his friend appeared a +little awkward he introduced him to +me. "Fräulein Schmidt, this is one +of our most famous warriors—Sir +John French."</p> + +<p class="indent">I could see that Sir John French +was taken aback. He had evidently +come down to discuss secretly the plan +of campaign against a defenceless and +utterly surprised Germany, which their +friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, was +to put in motion—and forthwith a +German governess had been let into the +secret! No wonder he was annoyed! +"You silly ass," he muttered, and +became very red and confused.</p> + +<p class="indent">Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed.</p> + +<p class="indent">"It's all right," he said; "Fräulein +Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk quite +freely in front of her."</p> + +<p class="indent">It was the typical British attitude +of contempt for the possible enemy. +But General French showed all that +stubborn caution which was afterwards +to mark his handling of the British +mercenaries, and which is about to cost +him so dearly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't be a fool, Horace," he +mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable silence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived +with them, was a most interesting old +lady. She seemed to be in the secrets +of all the Royal Family and other +highly placed personages, and told me +many interesting things about them. +"Ah, my dear," she would say, "they +tell us in the papers that King George +is shooting at Windsor, but——" and +then she would nod her head mysteriously. +"He's a <i>working</i> king," she +went on after a little. "He doesn't +waste his time on <i>sport</i>." In the light +of after-events it is probable that she +was right; and that when His Majesty +George the Fifth was supposed to +be at Windsor he was in reality in +Belgium, looking out for sites for the +notorious British siege-guns which +have murdered so many of our brave soldiers.</p> + +<p class="indent">In this connection I must relate one +extraordinary incident. Young Mrs. +Brigsworth had an album of celebrated +people in the British political and +social world. She was herself distantly +connected, she told me, through her +mother's people, with several well-known +Society families, and it interested +her to collect these photographs and +paste them into a book. One day she +was showing me her album, and I +noticed that, on coming to a certain +page, she turned hurriedly over, and +began explaining a group on the next +page very volubly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"What was that last one?" I asked. +"Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, that was nothing," she said +quickly. "I didn't know I had that +one; I must throw it away."</p> + +<p class="indent">However, she had not been quick +enough. I had seen the photograph; +and events which have happened since +have made it one of extraordinary +significance.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was a photograph of the First +Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in +bathing costume!</p> + +<p class="indent">As soon as I was left alone I turned +to the photograph. "The First Lord +amuses himself on his holiday" were +the words beneath it. "Amuses himself!" +Can there be any doubt in the +mind of an impartial German that +even then England had decided to +violate the neutrality of Belgium, and +that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, +examining the possibilities of +Ostend as a base for submarines?</p> + +<p class="indent">No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had +hurriedly turned over the page!</p> + +<p class="author">A. A. M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"When the war was declared, 25,000 +Bedouins were recruited in Hebrun, but they +were without food for three days and returned +to their homes saying this was not a Holy +War."—<i>Peshawar Daily News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Their actual words were: "This is +a——" well, <i>not</i> a Holy War.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/129.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Art Patron (to R.A.).</i> "<span class="smcap">We've lost so much since the War that we've come to ask if you wouldn't like to keep this +portrait of my wife as Cleopatra.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CHALK AND FLINT.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Comes there now a mighty rally</p> +<p class="i2">From the weald and from the coast,</p> +<p>Down from cliff and up from valley,</p> +<p class="i2">Spirits of an ancient host;</p> +<p>Castle grey and village mellow,</p> +<p class="i2">Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold,</p> +<p>Crumbling church and cracked martello</p> +<p class="i2">Echo to this chant of old—</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the valiant days of old!</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Screaming gull and lark a-singing,</p> +<p class="i2">Bubbling brook and booming sea,</p> +<p>Church and cattle bells a-ringing</p> +<p class="i2">Swell the ghostly melody;</p> +<p>"Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye,</p> +<p class="i2">Mingling with our dust below!</p> +<p>Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye</p> +<p class="i2">This our chant of long ago!"</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman,</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the days of long ago!</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Hills that heed not Time or weather,</p> +<p class="i2">Sussex down and Kentish lane,</p> +<p>Roads that wind through marsh and heather</p> +<p class="i2">Feel the mail-shod feet again;</p> +<p>Chalk and flint their dead are giving—</p> +<p class="i2">Spectres grim and spectres bold—</p> +<p>Marching on to cheer the living</p> +<p class="i2">With their battle-chant of old—</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman,</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Witness Norman! Witness Roman!</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the valiant days of old.</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?"</p> + +<p class="indent">Those who wish to give practical expression to the +approval of the scheme for raising Military Bands to +encourage recruiting—the subject of one of <i>Mr. Punch's</i> +cartoons of last week—are earnestly invited to send contributions +to the <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> at the Mansion House. +Further information may be obtained at the offices of +"Recruiting Bands," 16, Regent Street, S.W.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">From a schoolboy's essay on the War:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of +the official War-bread.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Alas! what boots it with incessant care</p> +<p>To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="author"><i>Milton: "Lycidas."</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/130.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Bobbie</i> (<i>as his father exhibits his new Volunteer uniform</i>). "<span class="smcap">Well! Mother—I say! This brings war home to us, doesn't it</span>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.</h2> + +<p class="indent">Many of the other papers have a +Personal Column. Why should not +<i>Mr. Punch</i> have one?</p> + +<p class="indent">He shall.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">MLLE. FORGETMÉNOT bien arrivée +à Londres le 14 Février. Où +est M. Valentin?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">K.—Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly +brke. Try yr uncl.—M.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">JEHOSHAPHAT.—Will all Jehoshaphats +combine to send bridge tables to +the Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, +limited to £10 each, should +be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., +25, Sun Row, Chelsea.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">FLORENCE.—I was there and waited +from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do +this often as I have tendency to pneumonia.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">WILL anyone lend young man £500 +on note of hand alone to enable him +to procure clothes in which to present +himself at recruiting office? Nothing +but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps +him from enlisting.—Box 41, Office of +this paper.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">FOUND in neighbourhood of the +Adelphi.—An Iron Cross, evidently +awarded by the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>. Initials upon +it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously +invited to apply for it in person.—E. G., +Foreign Office.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">SHIRTS for our troops at the Front +are still urgently needed. Please send +needles, cotton and material to Sister +Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, W.C. All +persons desiring to sing about her +activities should note that the song +is not published by Brothers Boosey +but by another firm.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, +between Acton and Blackheath, a +one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.—Anyone +returning the same to +X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive +1/- reward and no questions asked.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">SMITH.—Will everyone named Smith +at once send a sovereign to John +Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? +Patriotic purpose to which money will +be put will be explained later.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">WIFE of popular actor now serving +in France would much appreciate the +loan of a London house, with servants +and motor car thrown in.—Box 81, +Office of this paper.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">A.B.C.—Please make no further effort +to meet me. The depth of my loathing +for you can never be expressed in +words, at least not in this column.—J.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">POLLIES.—Will all the Pollies of +England kindly help a poor Polly to +continue her lessons in voice production.—Write +<span class="smcap">Polly</span>, 2, Birdcage Walk.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters +contain good vivid accounts of picturesque +occurrences at the Front. <i>The +Daily Inexactitude</i> places no limit on +the writer's imagination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust +health, who has failed in everything +he has yet undertaken and does not +approve of warfare, would like situation +as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to +wealthy absentee landowner.—Apply +Box 29, Office of this paper.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +The <i>Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger</i>, speaking of +the four Turks who succeeded in crossing the +Suez Canal and who have since been taken +prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the +four gallant Turkish swimmers will now do +good work in Egypt."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">We have no doubt that work will be +found for them and that the prison +authorities will shield them from the +dangers of a life of indulgent idleness.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/131.png" alt=""/> +<h3>SOUND AND FURY."</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Kaiser.</span> "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?"</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Admiral von Tirpitz.</span> "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE."</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Kaiser.</span> "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span></p> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Extracted from the Diary of +Toby, M.P.</span>)</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Commons, Monday, +8th February.</i>—Debate +on Army Estimates prefaced +by statement from <span class="smcap">Prime +Minister</span> casting gleam of +lurid light on a War of which +this is the 190th day. Answering +a question he said +the total number of British +Army casualties in the Western +area of the War is +approximately 104,000 of all +ranks. This, of course, does +not include the death-roll in +the Navy, a heavy tale of +losses due far more to mine +and submarine than to fair +fights on the open sea. But +standing alone it is not much +less than one-half of the +number of men, including +Militia, voted in the Waterloo year +now dead a century. Numerically +a trifle compared with the huge gaps +made in ranks of the enemy. Nevertheless +it represents sufficiently appalling +sacrifice, chargeable to the account +of one man's whim.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/133.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Exceeding the wildest dreams of Marlborough or Wellington.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Army Estimates for year, introduced +by <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> in a speech equally lucid +and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary +aspect. With an Army on +active service and in training exceeding +in number the wildest dreams of +<span class="smcap">Marlborough</span> or <span class="smcap">Wellington</span>, the +aggregate sum asked for is £15,000. +Seems odd since, as <span class="smcap">Under Secretary +for War</span> in interesting aside stated, +the Army costs more in a week than +the total estimate for the Waterloo +campaign, which stands on record at +the modest sum of £6,721,880.</p> + +<p class="indent">This only a little official joke designed +partly to relieve tension of critical +times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of +enemy. Idea of Germany cherished +at War Office is that she is a sort of +innocent Little Red Riding Hood +whose legitimate curiosity may be +evaded either by withholding information +or mystifying it by administration +of small doses dealt out at +safe intervals of time. Hence the +Press Bureau, which to-night came +in for rough handling from both +sides of House.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/133b.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Idea of Germany cherished at War +Office is that she is a sort of innocent +Little Red Ridinghood.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">If usual detailed account of expenditure +on Army were set forth, the +German General Staff would know +exactly what was in front of them in +respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible +little army" which seven +months ago embarked upon a crusade +more self-sacrificing, more glorious +than any recorded in the story of +Britain. Failing that, they naturally +know nothing and will go on blundering +in the dark.</p> + +<p class="indent">Accordingly Votes submitted to-night +were what the Treasury calls "token" +estimates, each thousand pounds of the +fifteen representing untold millions to +be expended on various services of the +War. On this understanding, +Committee, practically without +debate, amidst stern but +quietly expressed determination +to go on to the end at +whatever cost, voted an establishment +of three million +men.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Army Estimates +in Committee of +Supply.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tuesday.</i>—For first time +since reassembling House sat +up to closing hour, 11 o'clock. +Discussion of Army Estimates +resumed. Committee +has advantage of <span class="smcap">Walter +Long's</span> lead of Opposition. +Shrewd, tactful, conciliatory. +Among miscellaneous Questions +coming up was condition +of some of the huts +contracted for by War Office. +<span class="smcap">Walter Long</span> associated +himself with sharp criticism +offered from various quarters.</p> + +<p class="indent">The <span class="smcap">Member for Sark</span> regrets that +engagement out of town prevented his +taking part in the discussion.</p> + +<p class="indent">"I happen to know something at +first hand about the matter," he says. +"I spend my week-ends in a district +which, lying on direct route for the +Front, swarms with detachments of +recruits in training. In the late autumn, +huts were built for their accommodation. +Quite nice comfortable things +to look at. Some stand on desirable +sites overlooking land and sea.</p> + +<p class="indent">"All very well as long as autumn +weather lasted. But the winter told +another tale. Season exceptionally +wet. Sinful rottenness of these so-called +habitations speedily discovered. +Rain poured through the roofs as if +they were made of brown paper. +Nor was that all, though our poor +fellows found it sufficient. When +wind blew with any force it carried +the rain through the walls of the +huts, formed of thin laths, in some +cases overlapping each other by not +more than a quarter of an inch. +Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, +the men dressing for morning parade +found their khaki uniforms and +underclothing soaking wet. After +this had been stood for a week or ten +days, the huts were condemned and +the recruits billeted upon inhabitants +of neighbouring town.</p> + +<p class="indent">"This not mere gossip, you understand. +Circumstances simply related +to me by the men themselves, some interrupting +narrative with fits of coughing +inevitable result of nightly experience. +Nor were they complaining. +Just mentioned the matter as presumably +unavoidable episode in preliminary +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> +stage of career of men giving +up all and risking their lives to save +their country.</p> + +<p class="indent">"What I want to know is, What has +been done in particular cases such as +this that must have come under notice +of War Office? Have the contractors +got clear away without punishment, or +have they been made to disgorge? +<span class="smcap">Financial Secretary to War Office</span> +stated in course of debate that average +cost of these encampments amounted +to £13 per man. In cases where huts +are condemned, is the sorely-burdened +but cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding +the money all over again, or is the +peccant contractor made to stump up?"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Still harping on +Army Estimates.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Lords, Thursday.</i>—Death +of Lord <span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>, buried to-day +near his English home, Wynyard Park, +universally regretted. A strong Party +man, he had no personal enemies in the +Opposition ranks, whether in Lords or +Commons. Unlike some distinguished +Peers, notably Lord <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span>, he enjoyed +advantage, inestimable in public +life, of serving an apprenticeship in the +House of Commons, where he sat six +years for the Irish constituency which +his famous forebear represented in the +Irish Parliament. He was born into +politics. His earliest conviction, thorough +as were all he entertained, was +one of distrust for <span class="smcap">Don José</span>, who at +the time when he sat in the House of +Commons was carrying through the +country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised +Programme.</p> + +<p class="indent">This feeling later replaced by dislike +of <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, who in the year after +Lord <span class="smcap">Castlereagh</span>, at the age of thirty-two, +succeeded to the Marquisate, +brought in his Home Rule Bill.</p> + +<p class="indent">That was the turning point in +<span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>'s public life. Hitherto +he had toyed with politics as part of +the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat. +Thenceforward he devoted himself heart +and soul to withstanding the advance of +Home Rule, which he lived long enough +to see enacted, Death sparing him the +pang of living under its administration.</p> + +<p class="indent">In his devotion to the fighting line +rallied against Home Rule he was encouraged +and sustained by a power +behind the domestic throne perhaps, as +has happened in historical cases, more +dominant than its occupant. <i>Cherchez +la femme.</i> Londonderry House became +the spring and centre of an influence +that had considerable effect upon +political events during more than a +quarter of a century.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>'s cheery presence will +be missed in the Lords. His memory +will be cherished as that of one who +fought stoutly for causes sacred to a +large majority of his peers.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Premier</span> made +promised statement on subject of +food prices. Debate following was +adjourned.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/134.png" alt=""/> +<h3>WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h3> + +<p class="indent">1. "<span class="smcap">Ach! Himmel!—a shell!</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent">2. !!!</p> + +<p class="indent">3. "<span class="smcap">Great Krupps!—what is it?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A Flower of Speech.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"Mr. Asquith stated in the House of +Commons this afternoon that the Government +were considering taking more stringent +measures against German trade as a consequence +of the latter's fragrant breach of the +rules of war."—<i>Star.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Fragrant is the parliamentary way of +putting it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"German Togoland, whose aspirations towards +nationality have been again aroused by +the recent promises of the Czar, is destined to +be for us part of a new European state under +the protection of Russia."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Leader</i> (<i>B. E. Africa</i>).</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The fate of German Pololand in Africa +will be decided in our next.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent">"Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost +of doing these works.</p> + +<p class="indent">Surveyor—I cannot say vbgkqis shr me."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Wicklow Newsletter.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Neither can we, but we should never +have thought of mentioning it to Mr. +<span class="smcap">Murphy</span> at this juncture.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/135.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Chorus from the trench.</i> "<span class="smcap">What 'ave you got there, Tom?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tom</i> (<i>bringing in huge Uhlan</i>). "<span class="smcap">Souvenir.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.</h2> + +<p class="center">V.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">My dear Mr. Punch</span>,—Our Battalion +has gone. It has called back to the +ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. +Even as I write it is racing through +the darkness across the Indian plains +to its new station. I can almost hear +the grinding thunder of the wheels; +the thud of men sleeping on the seats +as they roll off and crash upon men +sleeping on the floors; the pungent +oaths mingling with the shriek of the +engine whistle ... and I am left +behind in the Divisional Staff Office +and attached to another Territorial +unit just arrived from England. Woe +is me!</p> + +<p class="indent">I paid a last visit to the barracks to +see my comrades before they left. They +were well and cheerful, but all suffering +from a singular delusion. When I +expressed regret that I was not accompanying +them owing to the fact +that my services could not be spared +from the Office, they all assured me +with perfect gravity that this was not +the real explanation of my being left +behind. While I have been plying the +pen, they, it appears, have reached such +a state of military proficiency that to +re-introduce me into the ranks at this +stage would have had a most disintegrating +effect upon the <i>moral</i> of the entire +Battalion.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was hard on me, they were prepared +to admit, but efficiency must +come first. When, very shortly, they +march down <i>Unter den Linden</i> I must +surely recognise how very disastrous it +would be for me to be there with my +rifle at an unprofessional slope. It +would be so noticeable in the pictures +afterwards.</p> + +<p class="indent">They were all full of kindly commiseration +about my future. They, of +course, will presently be leaving for +the Front. England will ring from +end to end with the story of their +prowess. In six weeks they will have +beaten the Germans to a standstill. +Then—best of all—they will return +home, covered with glory and medals, +to be received with frantic demonstrations +of joy, affection and adulation.</p> + +<p class="indent">Several years later, I gather, I may +(if exceptionally lucky) return to +England unhonoured and unsung, with +indelible inkstains on my fingers and +three vaccination marks on my left +forearm as my only mementoes of the +Great War. On the other hand, +having got fairly into the grip of the +Indian Government, it is quite likely +that I shall end my days here.</p> + +<p class="indent">Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, +one of them generously promised +to present me with a few Iron Crosses +which he anticipates collecting on the +battlefield. But this gift, he was at +pains to point out, was contingent +upon the very improbable circumstance +of my surviving plague, dysentery, +enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite +and other perils of a prolonged +sojourn in India.</p> + +<p class="indent">In the immediate future I can +unfortunately see for myself that my +prospects are of the gloomiest. When +I mildly suggested to my Colour +Sergeant that he should send me my +pay by post each week from the new +station, he stared at me fixedly and +reminded me with unnecessary and +offensive emphasis that I was now +attached to another regiment, and that +he had finally and thankfully washed +his hands of all responsibility concerning +me. When I sought out my +new Colour, he informed me even more +emphatically that I was merely attached +to his company for disciplinary purposes +and that it was blooming well +useless for me to look to him for pay. +So there I am.</p> + +<p class="indent">It is the same with rations. None +were sent for me this morning. It is +tolerably certain that none will be sent +to-morrow.</p> + +<p class="indent">Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing +end to a promising career, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> +won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if +Lord <span class="smcap">Kitchener</span> knew the facts of the +case he would do something about it. +Perhaps you could approach him on +the matter. Still, I have read somewhere +that life can be supported on +four bananas a day. I can get eight +bananas for an anna here, and I have +Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my +money belt. I leave you to work it +out.</p> + +<p class="indent">I remember now that a wandering +Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at +Christmas that I should live to be 107. +That was one of his best points. He also +told me that I should be married three +times and have eleven children; that I +had a kind heart; that a short dark +lady was interested in my career; that +the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span> would be dethroned next +June; and that fortune-telling was a +precarious means of livelihood and its +professors were largely dependent upon +the generosity of wealthy <i>sahibs</i> such +as myself. Wealthy!</p> + +<p class="indent">But he was a true prophet in one +particular. He foretold that I should +shortly be unhappy on account of a +parting.</p> + +<p class="indent">Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to +say good-bye to all my friends; it is +not cheering to reflect now that they are +a thousand miles away, amid fresh and +fascinating scenes, about to undergo +novel and wonderful experiences from +which I am debarred. But there is +one lesson which the Army teaches +very efficiently—that, whatever one's +personal feelings, orders have to be +obeyed without question.</p> + +<p class="indent">And I suppose they also serve who +only sit and refer correspondents to +obscure sub-sections and appendices of +Army Regulations, India.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours ever,<br /> +<span class="smcap">One of the <i>Punch</i> Brigade</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:30%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/136.png" alt=""/> +<h3>FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Britannia still sitting on the copper.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE COLLECTOR.</h2> + +<p class="indent">Once upon a time there was an Old +Gentleman who lived in a Very Comfortable +Way; and some of his Neighbours +said he was Rich and others +that, at any rate, he was Well Off, +and others again that at least he had +Considerable Private Means. And when +the Great War broke out it was clear +that he was much too Old to fight, and +he wasn't able to speak at Recruiting +Meetings on account of an Impediment +in his Speech, and he had no +Soldiers billeted upon him, because +there were no Soldiers there, and he +could not take in Belgian Refugees +because he lived on the East Coast—so +he just read the Papers and pottered +about the Garden as he used to do +before.</p> + +<p class="indent">But after a time it was noticed that +he began to "draw in," as his Neighbours +said. First he gave up his Motor, +and when his Gardener enlisted he +didn't get Another; and he never +had a Fire in his Bedroom. And his +Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded +that he had been Hard Hit by +the War. But None of them knew +how.</p> + +<p class="indent">Then he began to travel Third Class +and gave up Smoking Cigars. And +they thought he was waiting till the +Stock Exchange opened.</p> + +<p class="indent">Then they noticed that he got no +new Clothes and his old ones were +not so smart as they used to be. And +as the Stock Exchange was open by +now they began to believe that he +must have become a Miser and was +getting meaner as he got older. And +they all said it was a Pity. But he +went on reading the Papers and pottering +round the Garden much as before.</p> + +<p class="indent">And the Tradespeople found that the +Books were not so big as they used +to be, and they began to say that it +was a Pity when people who had +Money didn't know how to spend it.</p> + +<p class="indent">But the Truth is that they were all +wrong; he was a Collector. That was +how the Money went.</p> + +<p class="indent">He never told anyone about his +Collection, but he kept it in the Top +Drawer of his Desk till it got too big +and overflowed into the Second Drawer, +and then into the Third, and so on.</p> + +<p class="indent">He was quite determined that his +Collection should be complete and +should contain Every Sound Specimen—that +was partly why he kept reading +the Papers. But he didn't mind having +Duplicates as long as they had Different +Dates. There was one Specimen of +which he got a Duplicate every Week.</p> + +<p class="indent">One of his Rules was never to allow +any Specimen into his Collection unless +it had a Stamp on it.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was quite a New Sort of Collection. +It was made up of Receipts from the +People who were running All The +Different War Funds.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SOLDIER'S COAT.</h2> + +<p class="indent">After his ample dinner, William +sank into the big chair before the fire, +and with a book on his knee became +lost in thought.</p> + +<p class="indent">He woke half-an-hour later to observe +that Margaret was knitting.</p> + +<p class="indent">"It's sheer waste of time," he told +her, "to make anything of wool that +colour."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Is it?" she asked sweetly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"If there's no more khaki or brown +wool left in the shops, you should +make something of flannel. Any self-respecting +soldier would rather be +frost-bitten to death a dozen times +than wear a garment of pink wool."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, +smiling.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Besides, you really ought to stick +to the beaten track—belts, mufflers +and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs."</p> + +<p class="indent">"This is going to be a coat," she +said, holding it up and surveying it +with satisfaction.</p> + +<p class="indent">"A coat?—that handful of pink, a +coat? That feeble likeness of an egg-cosy, +a coat? A pink woollen coat for +a British soldier! My poor friend over +there in the trenches, whoever you +are, may Heaven help you! And may +Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this +night's work!"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I shan't finish it to-night—it'll +take days. And he'll be very proud of +it, I know."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Who will?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"The soldier-boy will. Bless his +heart; he's a born fighter—anyone +can see it with half an eye. Mabel +says——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? +Well, what's Donald doing to allow +Mabel to take such an interest in this +precious soldier-boy who is prepared +to be proud of a coat of soft pink +wool? Who is the idiot?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"He's no idiot, and his name's +Peter," said Margaret.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Peter! Peter what?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull +yourself together, and try to realise +that you have been an uncle for at +least three weeks. Donald and Mabel +are going to call him 'Peter'—didn't I +tell you?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from +shells and shrapnel."—<i>Advt. in "The Times."</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Just the place for our shy young sister +Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, +an engineer, joined the Belgian +Flying Corps, and did most useful work, +being complimented by his King for his invention +of a new kind of aircomb."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Mirror.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with +a couple of spikes missing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span></p> + +<h2>THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Even the more obscure of the American +papers often contain important news of the +doings of the British army many days before +the Censor allows the information to be published +in England.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I am told that few exploits are finer</p> +<p class="i2">Than a battle our Blankshires have won,</p> +<p>So bring me <i>The Michigan Miner</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done;</p> +<p>If <i>The Miner</i>'s not easy to hit on,</p> +<p class="i2">Get <i>The Maryland Trumpet</i>; it treats</p> +<p>Of a story that's kept, to the Briton,</p> +<p class="i2">As dark as the Westminster streets!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>As our soldiers from north of the Border</p> +<p class="i2">Some vital positions have stormed,</p> +<p>Put <i>The Oregon Message</i> on order</p> +<p class="i2">To keep me completely informed!</p> +<p>One moment! I've just heard a rumour</p> +<p class="i2">That the Germans' whole front has been cleft—</p> +<p>Quick! Rush for <i>The Tennessee Boomer</i>;</p> +<p class="i2">Heaven grant that a copy is left!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Each day in this keep-it-dark city,</p> +<p class="i2">Officials, to us, seem unkind</p> +<p>To censor such news without pity,</p> +<p class="i2">But, of course, they've an object in mind;</p> +<p>For a man, when his spirits touch zero</p> +<p class="i2">Through a natural yearning for facts,</p> +<p>Will enlist, and <i>himself</i> be a hero</p> +<p class="i2">Where no one can censor his <span class="smcap">ACTS</span>!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/137.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>First Patriot.</i> "<span class="smcap">Ah! I see you haven't yet changed the name of your +Eau-de-Cologne.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Second Patriot.</i> "<span class="smcap">Pardon me, Madam. I have taken the liberty of labelling +my new supply 'Cologne Water.'</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM.</h2> + +<p class="indent">O authors, remember to join your +flats!</p> + +<p class="indent">The novel was going splendidly. I +had been revelling in it. I was sitting +in one chair, with my feet in another, +not far from the fire, plunged in the +story, when all of a sudden my pleasure +went.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was in Chapter xvii., where the +young doctor takes a taxi and rushes up +to the actress's flat so as to be there first, +before Lord Burlington. You must +understand that the young doctor is +newly in practice and has the greatest +difficulty in making both ends meet. +Well, it says that he sprang from the +cab and was half-way up the stairs in a +moment. That was all right, but the +point is that he stayed two hours +hunting for the missing letter. Now +this is a very exciting passage, because +we know that the detective may be here +any minute, and Lord Burlington is +coming too, and if either of them—well, +the point is that, owing to the author +forgetting to make the young doctor +pay the taxi-man, all my pleasure went.</p> + +<p class="indent">I am not unduly economical, but I +hate downright waste, and here was the +taximeter ticking all through the rest of +that chapter and the next, and further +still. Had it been Lord Burlington's +cab I should have cared less, for he was +rich; had it been the detective's I should +not have cared at all, because the driver +might have gone to Scotland Yard for +his money. But the young doctor was +so poor, and sooner or later he would +have to come out of the flat again, and +then he would be caught and faced +with an impossible bill; and this got +on my nerves.</p> + +<p class="indent">As I say, the story was frightfully +exciting just there, but I found myself, +instead of participating in the excitement, +saying, "Another twopence"; +"Twopence more"; "It must be four +shillings by now," "Five shillings," +and so on. Not even when the face of +the Chinaman appeared at the window—he +had climbed up the water-pipe +and had a dagger in his teeth—could I +really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by +now," was all I said.</p> + +<p class="indent">The result was that the effect of the +book was lost on me and I cared +nothing for what happened to any one. +The taximeter ticked through every +subsequent page. Long after we got +away from London altogether and the +young doctor was on his way to Hong +Kong, racing the detective, I still heard +the taximeter ticking; just because the +man had never been paid. It ticked +through the wedding bells; and it +ticked through the strangling of Lord +Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, +with which the story closes.</p> + +<p class="indent">And that is why I say, O authors, +remember to join your flats.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">The Slump in Prussians.</p> + +<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Sortes Vergilianæ.</span>)</p> + +<p class="center">"<i>Procumbit humi Bosch.</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span></p> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<span class="smcap">Searchlights.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent">The title was not, of course, meant +to deceive, for Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell</span> is an +honest man; and anyhow the critics, +for that is their business, would be +swift to disillusionize the public; but +in our permissible state of suspicion, +the audience might easily be led to +suppose from the word "Searchlights," +combined with the early appearance of +an imported Teuton in the person of +<i>Sir Adalbert Schmaltz</i>, that spy-work +was in the air. But the genial +domesticity of this naturalized Scot +quickly disposed of our unworthy apprehensions, +and we soon learned that +his <i>provenance</i> had no +bearing upon the issue.</p> + +<p class="indent">That issue was concerned +with a question of +paternity, whose acuteness +happened to be +contemporaneous with +that of the present European +crisis. I say "happened"; +for here again +I cast no reflection upon +Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> intent, or +suggest that the war-element +in his play was +introduced as an afterthought +into his original +scheme. If it was, +which I doubt, then the +patchwork was cleverly +concealed; and my only +complaint must be of a +certain obscurity in the +relation between the two +patterns in his design. +For if the title implied +that the effect of the +War was to throw a +searchlight into the dark places of the +human heart (as distinguished from its +influence upon our City streets), I do +not think that in the case of <i>Robert +Blaine's</i> heart, if he had one, the author +has made this operation sufficiently +clear.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, +born after five years of barren wedlock, +who was the object of her husband's +profound detestation. After some twenty +years—a little late, perhaps, in the day, +but the author wished us to be present +when he did it—<i>Robert Blaine</i>, at a +moment when his wife is trying to get +her boy out of a tight corner, declares +an inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, +and she makes confession of her fault. +Subsequently—in a "strong" scene—she +recants, alleging that her confession +was a work of creative art, produced in +a spasm of spite; and everybody except +the immovable <i>Blaine</i> is vastly relieved.</p> + +<p class="indent">But not for long, for she presently +recants her recantation. You will guess +that, though a little shaken, we were +not in despair, but looked hopefully for +a re-recantation. But you are in error. +Her second confession, though no +words passed her lips, was obviously +final. And what induced it? What +was the piece of conviction? If you +will believe me, it was just a photograph +with which her husband confronted +her—an old photograph of her +lover that she mistook for her son's, so +close was the likeness. This was surely +a flaw in Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> scheme, for it +is unbelievable that she should have +hitherto overlooked this fatal resemblance, +even if her attention had not +as a fact been called to it by a garrulous +friend at quite an early stage in the +proceedings of the play.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/138.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Robert Blaine experiencing how very much sharper than a serpent's +tooth it is to have somebody else's thankless child.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Robert Blaine</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. H. B. Irving</span>.</p> +<p><i>Harry Blaine</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reginald Owen</span>.</p> +</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Another weakness, common enough +where an author wants to show a +variety of types and excuses himself +from the trouble of assorting them, was +to be seen in the extreme improbability +of the friendship between <i>Blaine</i> and +<i>Sir Adalbert Schmaltz</i>. These two were +always staying in one another's houses +yet there never could have been the +smallest of tastes in common between +the dour and moody financier and the +light-hearted consumer of lager beer +and <i>delikatessen</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent">But I prefer, if you please, to dwell +upon the shining virtues of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> <i>Searchlights</i>. With the +exception of an interlude or two of +needless triviality—<i>Lady Schmaltz's</i> +sobbing scene, for instance—the essentials +of the tragic theme held us grimly +in their grasp. But always we could +find relief in the author's humanity, +revealed not only in the passionate +devotion of the mother's heart, but in +the persuasive character of her boy, +and the unaffected quality of his relations +both to her and to the girl who +wanted his love.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell</span> would be the first to +acknowledge, and generously, how +much he owes to the really remarkable +performance, as <i>Mrs. Blaine</i>, of Miss +<span class="smcap">Fay Davis</span>, who can never before have +accomplished so high an achievement. +But the matter was there for her clever +hands to shape, and that was the +author's doing.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Harry Irving's</span>, too, was a fine +performance, though, from the moment +of his entrance, a figure of sinister +portent, he lacked all +contrast of light and +shade. But, to be just, +that was hardly in the +part, as made—deliberately, +so it seemed—for +those particular methods +of which he is the master.</p> + +<p class="indent">As for Mr. <span class="smcap">Holman +Clark</span>, if all Teutons, +naturalized or other, +were like his <i>Sir Adalbert +Schmaltz</i> (or <i>Sir Keith +Howard</i>, as he called +himself after the War +began, on the principle +that the best was good +enough for him) I should +have small ground of +quarrel with the race. +But how this joyous German +ever came to wear a +kilt and own a deer-forest +I cannot hope to understand, +for there was no +hint of Semitic origin in +his face or composition.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Reginald Owen</span> made a most +human soldier-boy, and I shall never +want to meet a Guardsman with a better +manner or an easier sense of humour. +I remark, by the way, that young +<i>Blaine</i> is the second stage-hero (the +first was in <i>The Cost</i>) whom the War +has affected in the head.</p> + +<p class="indent">Miss <span class="smcap">Margery Maude</span>, though she +had the rather ungrateful part of a girl +who is quite ready, thank you, to be +loved as soon as you feel like it, played, +as always, with a very perfect tact and +charm.</p> + +<p class="indent">Finally, Miss <span class="smcap">Kate Bishop</span> was her +dear old self, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Tom Reynolds'</span> +sketch of a solicitor was as bright as +it was brief.</p> + +<p class="indent">I venture to offer my best compliments +both to the cast and to the +author, and to hope that his <i>Searchlights</i> +may serve well to pierce the +shadows of the night through which +we are passing.</p> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/139.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Tommy</i> (<i>late gamekeeper</i>). "<span class="smcap">Mark over!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent">Miss <span class="smcap">Viola Meynell</span> brings to her analysis of character +an astonishingly acute observation and insight, an intimate +sympathy, a quiet, leavening, sometimes faintly malicious, +humour; and to her synthesis a conscientious and dexterous +artistry in selection and arrangement which gives a vividly +objective reality to her creations. So that you may put +down her <i>Columbine</i> (<span class="smcap">Secker</span>) with something like the +guilty feeling of an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon +three girls is her main theme, and it is difficult to overpraise +her skill and restraint in the handling of it. <i>Lily +Peak</i>, the actress, beautiful, passionless, incompetent, with +her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand philosophy +of living, is a veritable <i>tour de force</i> of characterisation +which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And +between this pretty nonentity and <i>Jennifer</i>, the competent, +the loyal and the deep, with her occasional flashes of +beauty and her innocent provocativeness, <i>Dixon Parrish</i>, +one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded modern +young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. +<i>Alison</i>, his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, +moves unquiet on the well-planned background +which holds that genially absurd pseudo-intellectual, +her father; the kindly negative <i>Mrs. Parrish</i>; <i>Gilbert</i>, +<i>Alison's</i> lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits); the +pleasantly pretentious <i>Madame Barrett</i> of the elocution +classes; and "that <i>Mrs. Smith</i>," who is only (but adroitly) +shown through <i>Lily's</i> artless chatter. Miss <span class="smcap">Meynell</span> +chooses to write chiefly of little moments in little lives. +But she has adequate reserves of power for bigger work, +as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment +on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and +meanwhile she has shown herself mistress of a method +singularly skilful and restrained. She does not describe +or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through +the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her +characters—the manifestly excellent way which so few +have the wit or the courage to follow.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Leo Brandish</i>, so Miss <span class="smcap">Peggy Webling</span> assures me, +intends to write the professional biography of their mutual +hero, that notable actor and admirable gentleman, <i>Edgar +Chirrup</i> (<span class="smcap">Methuen</span>). In the meantime she has told us all +about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that +he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse +are included in the family portrait, with his children and +the wife whom you and I, and everyone else for that +matter, realised was the one for him long before he did. +Some of the other pages in his life were less satisfactory, +more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not in +the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress +jogged Fate's elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy +infatuation. If I could not forget or ever quite understand +this episode, neither could "<i>Chirps</i>" himself in the years +that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty that had +already won my affections were pleading for his release, +with the ladies (Fate and Miss <span class="smcap">Webling</span>, I mean) collaborating +over his destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any +but the happiest of endings had been in store for the hero +and his <i>Ruth</i>, for sweeter and simpler folk have seldom +been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public into +arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> +seem to be just that they have been able to catch the +qualities of sympathy and sincerity that belonged in the +first case to the manner of the telling of their story; so +perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them from the +start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in +this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. +Here is tenderness without mawkishness, humour without +noise, a sufficiency of action without harshness of outline; +most surprising, here is a story, in which many of the +characters are of the Stage, presented with an entire absence +of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, one +expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean +achievement. And so—my congratulations.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><i>Through the Ages Beloved</i> (<span class="smcap">Hutchinson</span>) might be fairly +described as an unusual story. I am bound to say that I +both admired and enjoyed it; but at the same time a more +tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. For the +benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the +plot—whose scene is laid +in Japan—is reincarnation. +Consequently, +though the hero, <i>Kanaya</i>, +begins as a modern student +who has fought +through the Russo-Japanese +war, you must be +prepared to find him and +yourself switched suddenly +without any warning into +the remote past. I am not +quite sure that Mr. <span class="smcap">H. +Grahame Richards</span> has +been playing the game +here. So unheralded is +the transference that even +the close and careful reader +will experience some bewilderment; +as, for example, +when the heroine, +whose own name remains +the same in both ages, +re-enters with different +parents. As for the skipper, +his doom will be +confusion unmitigated. However, once you have found +your bearings again, there is much to admire in the treatment +of a time and a place so eminently picturesque. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Richards'</span> pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the +delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean +air, the colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, +a flight of birds crossing a garden of azaleas—all these are +realized with obvious knowledge and enthusiasm, and more +than compensate for the intricacy of the plot. But this is +certainly there. Once only was I myself near vanquished. +This was when the <i>Kanaya</i> of the past, himself the result +of the modern <i>Kanaya</i> hitting his head on a stone, began +to hint of uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian +future. Here I confess that (like <i>Alice</i> and <i>The Red King</i>) +I longed for some authoritative pronouncement as to who +was the genuine dreamer, and who would "go out." Still, +an original story, and one to be read, even if with knitting +of brows.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/140.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">The Passport with accompanying photograph sometimes arouses +suspicion. One seldom looks like oneself immediately after a +rough Channel crossing.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as +a pot-boiler a story that, when no longer in its first youth, +can enjoy a second blooming at ten shillings and sixpence +net, in its own cardboard box, and embellished with any +quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures. Yet I fear that +this is my impression about <i>The Money Moon</i> (<span class="smcap">Sampson +Low</span>). I have liked Mr. <span class="smcap">Jeffrey Farnol's</span> other work too +well to be able to accept this at its present sumptuous +face-value. You remember no doubt how <i>George Bellew</i>, +having been jilted by the girl of his original choice, set out +upon a walking tour; how on the first day of this expedition +he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing +in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant +name of Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at +Dapplemere there lived a small boy, who talked as boys do +in books but nowhere else; a lavendery old lady-housekeeper +whose name (need I remind you?) was <i>Miss +Priscilla</i>; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. +You recall too how all these charming people took <i>George</i> +to their expansive hearts, and welcomed him as the ideal +hero, without apparently once noticing that he must at the +moment (on the author's own showing) have had a swollen +nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. +The whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that +in America, where <i>The +Money Moon</i> is at present +shining more brightly than +with us, there exists a +steady demand for this +rather saccharine fiction. +So let us leave it at that.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">There must be many +persons (I am one of them +myself) who, when confronted +with a topical +burlesque of <i>Alice in +Wonderland</i>, would confess +to a little regret. +The book is such a treasured +joy that one hates to +have any hands, even the +cleverest, laid upon it. +Yet the deed is so often +done that there is clearly +a large public that does +not share this view. Therefore +a welcome seems +assured for what is certainly, +so far, the wittiest +of the attempts, <i>Malice in Kulturland</i> (<span class="smcap">The Car Illustrated</span>), +written by <span class="smcap">Horace Wyatt</span>, with pictures by <span class="smcap">Tell</span>. +The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their +task makes me wish that my personal prejudice had allowed +me to appreciate it more whole-heartedly. Especially neat +is the transformation of the <i>Cheshire Cat</i> into a <i>Russian +Bear</i>, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a clever drawing +of this). You remember how, at <i>Alice's</i> request, the <i>Cat</i> +kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to +grin? The <i>Bear</i> does the same, "beginning with an official +statement, and ending with a rumour, which was still very +persistent for some time afterwards." Mr. <span class="smcap">Wyatt</span> has +certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall look to see +him developing in other and more virgin fields.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?"</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Bristol Observer.</i></p> + +<p class="indent">They can be withdrawn with a pin.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm, +Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Yorkshire Evening Post.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">One would have expected a lion in these martial days.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="tnote"> + +<h2>Transcriber Notes:</h2> + +<p class="indent">Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.</p> + +<p class="indent">The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book.</p> + +<p class="indent">Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United."</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four".</p> +</div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 ***</div> +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/44179-h/images/121.png b/44179-h/images/121.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d0e547 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/121.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/123.png b/44179-h/images/123.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..355bd2a --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/123.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/125.png b/44179-h/images/125.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5dd2f6b --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/125.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/126.png b/44179-h/images/126.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e99fe7 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/126.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/127.png b/44179-h/images/127.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4e21a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/127.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/129.png b/44179-h/images/129.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97f5239 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/129.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/130.png b/44179-h/images/130.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..20cd925 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/130.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/131.png b/44179-h/images/131.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..781f3d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/131.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/133.png b/44179-h/images/133.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0a34e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/133.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/133b.png b/44179-h/images/133b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac8b028 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/133b.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/134.png b/44179-h/images/134.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f87cc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/134.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/135.png b/44179-h/images/135.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d55c288 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/135.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/136.png b/44179-h/images/136.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6461059 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/136.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/137.png b/44179-h/images/137.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f6dc28 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/137.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/138.png b/44179-h/images/138.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e18ff5c --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/138.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/139.png b/44179-h/images/139.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3e5303 --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/139.png diff --git a/44179-h/images/140.png b/44179-h/images/140.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fe5cac --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-h/images/140.png diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7cef786 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #44179 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44179) diff --git a/old/44179-8.txt b/old/44179-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..afdb6a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2198 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148, +February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148, February 17th 1915 + +Author: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: November 14, 2013 [EBook #44179] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + VOL. 148. + FEBRUARY 17, 1915. + + + + + CHARIVARIA. + +The Turks are now reported to be retiring through the desert, and the +Germans are realising that you may take a horse to the place where +there's no water, but you cannot make him drink. + + * * * + +"Rapid progress," we read, "is being made in the American movement to +supply soldiers at the battle fronts in Europe with Bibles printed in +their own languages." We trust that one will be supplied to the KAISER, +who, if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid it. + + * * * + +Suggested title for Germany and her allies--The Hunseatic League. + + * * * + +The _Vossische Zeitung_, talking of the proposed blockade, says, "The +dance will begin on February 18." Germania's toe may not be light, but +it is fantastic. + + * * * + +You may know a man by the company he keeps. The KAISER'S friends are now +the Jolly Roger and Sir ROGER CASEMENT. + + * * * + +Messrs. HAGENBECK, of Hamburg, are sending Major MEHRING, the German +Commandant at Valenciennes, an elephant. So we may expect shortly to be +told by wireless that a large Indian body has gone over to the Germans. + + * * * + +Earl GREY, speaking at Newcastle on the War, said that a German +passenger on the _Vaterland_ remarked to him, "Can you wonder that we +hunger? We have been hungry for two hundred years and only had one +satisfying meal--in 1870. We have become hungry again." The pity, of +course, is that so few Germans can eat quite like gentlemen. + + * * * + +The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed their body belts "the dado +round the dining-room." In the whirligig of fashion the freeze is now +being ousted by its predecessor. + + * * * + +Much of the credit for the admirable feeding of our Expeditionary Force +is due, we learn, to Brigadier-General LONG, the Director of Supplies. +As a caustic Tommy, pointing to his "dining-room," remarked, "one wants +but little here below, but wants that little Long." + + * * * + +The _Deutsche Tageszeitung_ informs its readers that "the men of the +North Lancashire Regiment recently attempted to force a swarm of bees to +attack German soldiers, but the bees turned on the British and severely +stung one hundred and twenty of them." After this success it is reported +that the Death's Head Hussars are adopting a wasp as a regimental pet. + + * * * + +Talking of regimental pets, the lucky recipient of Princess MARY'S +Christmas gift that was packed by the QUEEN is Private PET, of the +Leinster Regiment. + + * * * + +With reference to the private view of a collapsible hut at the College +of Ambulance last week it is only fair to say that there is good reason +to believe that not a few of those already erected will shortly come +under this description. + + * * * + +The Russian Minister of Finance, M. BARK, paid a visit to this country +last week, and it is rumoured that he had an interview with another +financial magnate, Mr. BEIT, with a view to forming an ideal +combination. + + * * * + +Says an advertisement of the Blue Cross Fund:--"All horses cared for. +Nationality not considered." This must save the Fund's interpreters a +good deal of trouble. + + * * * + +The Corporation of the City of London reports that diminished lighting, +so far from increasing the dangers of the City streets, has reduced +them, the accidents during the past quarter being only 331 as compared +with 375 a year ago. However, a proposal that the lights shall now be +entirely extinguished with a view to reducing the casualties to _nil_ +has not yet been adopted. + + * * * + +A gentleman has written to _The Globe_ to complain that at Charing Cross +Station there are signs printed in German indicating the whereabouts of +the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. We certainly think that, while we +are at war, these ought, so as to confuse the enemy, to point in wrong +directions. + + * * * + +Germany is now suffering from extreme cold, and the advice to German +housewives to cook potatoes in their jackets is presumably a measure of +humanity. + + * * * + +To Mr. WATT'S enquiry in the House as to how many German submarines had +been destroyed, Mr. CHURCHILL replied, "The German Government has made +no return." Let us hope that this is true also of a good few of the +submarines. + + * * * + +_Der Tag_, it is announced, is to be withdrawn from the Coliseum. They +could do with it, we believe, in Germany. + + * * * + +Theatrical folk will be interested to hear that in the Eastern Theatre +of War there has been furious fighting for the passes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Turk._ "I SAY, YOU FELLOWS! DO YOU SEE THE OTHER ALLIES +ARE POOLING THEIR FUNDS? CAPITAL IDEA!"] + + * * * * * + + "The power of Great Britain and her Allies was increasing daily + in strength, whereas the power of her enemies was distinctly on + the wane. The existing situation had been brought about without + the vest resources of the Empire having yet been called in to + play."--_Daily Mail._ + +Are we to understand, that, so far, we have only called out the socks +and body-belts? + + * * * * * + + "There is but one survival among the historic shows of the + [Crystal] Palace--a portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking + one another 'What next?' + + A meeting of the directors of the Crystal Palace Football Club + is to be summoned to decide on a course of action." + _The Evening News._ + +Without wishing to be needlessly offensive to either of these bodies, we +venture to suggest that they should combine their deliberations. + + * * * * * + + "If ... England and France keep the police of the sea with the + utmost vigilance, so that no copper at all can reach Germany and + Austria, the fate of both Empires seems certain."--_Times._ + +The land police must be guarded even more vigorously if "no copper at +all" is to slip over. + + * * * * * + + THE GODS OF GERMANY. + + [A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his + country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be + permitted to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious + life of Germany."] + + Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends! + From East and West the heretic comes swooping, + But all in vain his impious strength he spends + If you refuse to let him catch you stooping; + All goes serenely up to date; + Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)! + + Deutschland--that beacon in the general night-- + Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in, + Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right, + Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin; + O let us, in this wicked war, + Stick tight to Odin and to Thor! + + Over our race these gods renew their reign; + For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing; + Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane + Attest the force of your religious feeling; + Not Thor's own hammer could have made + A better job of this crusade. + + In such a cause all ye that lose your breath + Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla; + And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death, + The fresh young houri promised you by Allah; + Between the two--that chance and this-- + Your Heaven should be hard to miss. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + + THE PASSPORT. + +"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?" + +"Your nose?" she said. + +"Yes," I said, "my nose." + +"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?" + +"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. It is Sir +EDWARD GREY, the--ahem--Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. In the +midst of all his tremendous duties he still has time to ask me to tell +him what my nose is like." + +"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney Hatch. Will +somebody tell me what this man is talking about?" + +"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is no mystery about +it." + +"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see it with the +naked eye." + +"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to go to France. +Therefore I may want a passport. I am now filling in an application for +it, and I find to my regret that I have got to give details of my +personal appearance, including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all +you can do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? Is it even +wifely?" + +"But why can't you describe it yourself?" + +"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know about his own nose? He +only sees it full-face for a few minutes every morning when he's shaving +or parting his hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile +the dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his best to +forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, I haven't the +vaguest notion what my nose is really like." + +"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down as a loud blower +and a hearty sneezer." + +"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir EDWARD GREY. He doesn't +want to know what it sounds like, but what it looks like." + +"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?" + +"Ye--es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean delicate----" + +"I don't," she said. + +"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome." + +"It isn't," she said. + +"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' do? Aren't some +noses called aquiline?" + +"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. Try again." + +"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me that my nose is +turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do not want to have a turned-up +nose, and what's more I don't mean to have one, not even to please the +British Foreign Office and all its permanent officials." + +"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a Roman nose." + +"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I dipped my pen and +prepared to write the word down in the blank space on the application +form. + +"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. Now that I look at you +again I'm not sure that yours is a Roman nose." + +"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting things. It must, +it shall be Roman." + +"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?" + +"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half so Roman as mine. +It is the noblest Roman of them all." + +"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass it as Roman." + +"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'" + +"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else." + +"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?" + +"Green," said Francesca. + +"No, grey." + +"Green." + +"Grey." + +"Let's compromise on grey-green." + +"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir EDWARD GREY will appreciate +that. Oh, bother! I've written it in the space devoted to 'hair.' +However it's easy to----" + +"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. I've often +wondered what I ought to say about your hair, and now I know. Oh, my +grey-green-and-gentle-haired one!" + +"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what about my eyes?" + +"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's done." + +"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. Now I know what it +is to have a real helper. Complexion next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good +word for complexion?" + +"Yes, for some." + +"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've noticed that people +who fill up blank spaces always use the word 'normal' at least once. I +shall call my complexion normal and get it over." + +After this there was no further difficulty. I took the remaining blank +spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes the application form was +filled up. Having then secured a clergyman who consented to guarantee my +personal respectability and having attached two photographs of myself I +packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have not yet had any +special acknowledgment from Sir EDWARD GREY, but I take this opportunity +to warn the French authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a +non-Roman nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and a normal +complexion may be seeking admission to their country. + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER. + +TEUTON TROUBADOUR (_serenading the fair Columbia_). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN +TO MY LOVE-SONGS, I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bright Youth._ "YES, I'M THINKIN' OF GETTIN' A +COMMISSION IN SOMETHING. WHAT ABOUT JOININ' THAT CROWD WITH THE JOLLY +LITTLE RED TABS ON THEIR COLLARS? THEY LOOK SO DOOCID SMART."] + + * * * * * + + THE WATCH DOGS. + + XII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--It must be upwards of a month since you heard from me; +I trust you have had sleepless nights in consequence. To be honest, I am +still in England, prepared to go out at a moment's notice, sworn to go, +medically approved, equipped and trained to go, but (my one weakness) +never in fact going. War, of course, is not open to any member of the +public who cares to turn up on the field and proffer his entrance-money; +it is an invitation show, and we have not yet received our cards. + +Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon is an intensely personal affair, and +who interested himself in it from the purely private motives of the +patriot, in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, or in the wicked +caprice of the law-abiding civilian lusting to travel abroad without a +ticket, go shooting without a licence and dabble in manslaughter without +the subsequent expense of briefing counsel,--poor old Tolley sees a +personal slight in this, and is quite sure that K. has a down on all of +us and on himself in particular. He has no difficulty in conceiving of +the Olympians at the War Office spending five working days and the +Saturday half-day in deciding what they shall do about US; writing round +to our acquaintances for our references: "Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober +and willing, punctual in his habits, clean in his appearance, an early +riser and a good plain warrior?" and receiving under confidential cover +unfavourable answers; and at night in his dreams he sees the SECRETARY +FOR WAR pondering over our regimental photo and telling himself that +there are some likely-looking fellows in the front row, but you never +know what they have got hidden away in the middle; counting up the heads +and murmuring, as he wonders when he shall send us out, "This year, next +year, some time--never." + +But you, Charles, must be patient with us, supporting us with your good +will and opinion, and replying to all who remark upon the progress of +the Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its way, but you wait till +Henry gets out and then you'll see _some_ war." + +Meanwhile the soldier's life continues with us very much after the +manner of the schoolboy's. We all pretend to ourselves that we are now +on terms of complete mutual understanding with the C.O. and the +Adjutant, but none the less we all study their expressions with great +care before we declare ourselves at breakfast. There are times for +jesting and there are times for not jesting; it goes by seasons, fair +and stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's face is a barometer. In my +wilder and more dangerous moods I have felt tempted to tap it and see if +I couldn't effect an atmospheric change. (In the name of goodness, I +adjure you, Charles, not to leave this letter lying about; if it gets +into print I shall lose all my half-holidays for the next three years or +the duration of the War.) + +The other morning I was come for, that is to say I was proceeding +comfortably with my breakfast at 7.55, when I was touched on the +shoulder and told that the C.O. would be glad to see me (or rather, +_would_ see me) at orderly room at eight, a thing which, by the grace of +Heaven and the continual exercise of low cunning on my part, has never +happened to me before. At least they might have told me what I had done, +thought I, as I ran to my fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, and +improvising a line of defence applicable to any crime. Believe me, the +dock is a haven of rest and security compared with orderly, or ordeal, +room. + +When my turn came I advanced to the table of inquisition, came smartly +to attention, saluted, cleared my throat and said, "Sir!" (The +correctness of this account is not guaranteed by any bureau.) I then +cleared my throat again and said, "Sir, it was like this." The C.O. +looked slightly nonplussed; the Adjutant, who in all his long experience +of crime had never before seen the accused open his mouth, began to open +his own. So I pushed on with it. "My defence is this: in the first place +I did not do it. I wasn't there at the time, and if I had been I +shouldn't have done it. In the second place I did it inadvertently. In +the third place it was not a wrong thing to do; and in the fourth place +I am prepared to make the most ample apology, to have the same inserted +in three newspapers, and to promise never to do it again." + +Orderly room was by now thoroughly restive. "If you take a serious view +of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me now and have done with it. Do not +keep me waiting till dawn, for I am always at my worst and most +irritable before breakfast." + +When I paused for breath they took the opportunity to inform me, rather +curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for in order to be appointed to +look after the rations and billets of a party of sixteen officers +proceeding to a distance that same day, and I was to dispose +accordingly. "If I had known that was all," I said to myself, "I'd have +had my second piece of toast while it was still lukewarm." I then +withdrew, by request. I found upon enquiry of the Sergeant-Major, who +knows all things, that the party was to travel by circuitous routes and +arrive at 7.5 P.M., whereas I, travelling _viâ_ London, might arrive at +5 P.M., and so have two odd hours to prepare a home and food for them. +So into the train I got, and there of all people struck the C.O. +himself, proceeding townwards on duty. In the course of the journey I +made it clear to him that, if his boots required licking, I was the man +for the job. + +He smiled indulgently. "Referring to that second piece of toast," he +began. + +I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, it is nothing," said I. + +"When we arrive in London," he said, "you will lunch with me." I +protested that the honour was enormous, but I was to arrive in London at +1.30 and must needs proceed at 1.50. + +"You will lunch with me," he pursued, adding significantly as I still +protested, "at the Savoy." + +After further argument, "It is the soldier's duty to obey," I said, and +we enquired at St. Pancras as to later trains. The conclusion of the +matter was that by exerting duress upon my taxidriver I just caught the +4.17, which got me to ---- at 7.15, ten minutes after the hungry and +houseless sixteen. + +You don't think this is particularly funny; well, no more did the +sixteen. But it was a very, very happy luncheon. Remember that we have +subsisted on ration beef and ration everything else for some months, and +you will believe me when I tell you that, upon seeing a menu in French +(our dear allies!), opening with _crème_ and concluding with _Jacques_, +we told the waiter to remove the programme and give us the foodstuffs. +"Start at the beginning," said the C.O., "and keep on at it till you +reach the end. Then stop." + +"Stop, Sir?" I asked. + +"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all over again" ... and so when we got +to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, "Sir, if I may, your very +good health," meaning thereby that I forgave him not only all the harsh +things he has said to me in the past, but even all the harsher things he +proposes to say to me in the future. + +From the monotony of training we have only occasional relief in the +actual, as for instance when we are kept out of bed all night, Zepping. +But this is a poor game, Charles; there is not nearly enough sport in it +to satisfy the desires of a company of enthusiasts, armed with a rifle +and a hundred rounds of ball ammunition apiece. We feel that the officer +of the day, who inspects the shooting party at 9.30 P.M. and then sends +it off about its business, is trifling with tragic matter when he tells +us: "Now, remember; no hens!" + Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD. + +_The Shirker._ "NICE BIRD! SAY 'POLLY SCRATCH A POLL!'" + +_The Bird._ "JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN!"] + + * * * * * + + "The battle that has been raging for several months has now + ended in a distinct triumph for the high-necked corsage." + _Tatler._ + +Good. Now we can devote our attention to the other war on the Continent. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Wit_ (_to victim of ill-timed revelry_). +"WOTCHER, WILLIAM? HOW WAS JOFFER WHEN YOU LEFT?"] + + * * * * * + + OXFORD IN WAR TIME. + + Who that beheld her robed in May + Could guess the change that six months later + Has brought such wondrous disarray + Upon his _alma mater?_ + + Distracted by a world-wide strife, + The calm routine of study ceases; + And Oxford's academic life + Is broken all to pieces. + + No more the intellectual youth + Feeds on perpetual paradoxes; + No longer in the quest of truth + The mental compass boxes. + + Gone are the old luxurious days + When, always craving something subtler, + To BERGSON'S metaphysic maze + He turned from SAMUEL BUTLER. + + Linked by the brotherhood of arms + All jarring coteries are blended; + Mere cleverness no longer charms; + The cult of Blues is ended. + + The boats are of their crews bereft; + The parks are given up to training; + The scanty hundreds who are left + All at the leash are straining. + + And grave professors, making light + Of all the load of _anno domini_, + Devote the day to drill, the night + To CLAUSEWITZ and JOMINI. + + While those who feel too old to fight + Full nobly with the pen are serving + To weld conflicting views of right + In one resolve unswerving. + + No more can essayists inveigh + Against the youth of Oxford, slighting + Her "young barbarians all at play," + When nine in ten are fighting, + + And some, the goodliest and the best, + Beloved of comrades and commanders, + Have passed untimely to their rest + Upon the plains of FLANDERS. + + No; when two thousand of her sons + Are mustered under Freedom's banner, + None can declaim--except the Huns-- + Against the Oxford manner. + + For lo! amid her spires and streams, + The lure of cloistered ease forsaking, + The dreamer, noble in her dreams, + Is nobler in her waking. + + * * * * * + + "Lest we forget." + +In these days, when we have to be thankful that our country has not, +like Belgium and France, been overrun by savages, the greater mercies we +receive are apt to obscure the less. But Swansea does not forget the +smaller mercies. According to a recent issue of _The South Wales Daily +Post_, "The Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the second time to St. +Nicholas' Church, Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday evening next, at +6.30, when the directors, committee and the two full teams have promised +to attend the service, that, in the words of the Rev. PERCY WESTON, will +be in the nature of a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune +against Newcastle United"." + +Our compliments to the Rev. PERCY WESTON, pastor of this pious and +patriot flock. + + * * * * * + + WHAT I DEDUCED. + + BY A GERMAN GOVERNESS. + + [Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, having as large a sale + in Germany as _What I Found Out_, by an English Governess, is + having in this country.] + +I shall never forget my arrival at the house of my new employers. Into +the circumstances which forced me to earn my living as a governess in a +strange country I need not now go. Sufficient that I had obtained a +situation in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an Englishman of high +position living in one of the most fashionable suburbs of London. "Chez +Nous," The Grove, Cricklewood, was the address of my new home, and +thither on that memorable afternoon I wended my way. + +"The master and mistress are out," said the maid. "Perhaps you would +like to go straight to the nursery and see the children?" + +"Thank you," I said, and followed her upstairs. Little did I imagine the +amazing scene which was to follow! + +In the nursery my two little charges were playing with soldiers; a tall +and apparently young man was lying on the floor beside them. At my +entrance he scrambled to his feet. + +"Stop the battle a moment," he said, "while we interrogate the invader." + +"I am Fräulein Schmidt," I introduced myself, "the new governess." + +"And I," he said with a bow, "am Lord Kitchener. You have arrived just +in time. Another five minutes and I should have wiped out the German +army." + +"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you wouldn't," shouted one of the boys. + +It was Lord Kitchener! He had shaved off his heavy moustache, and by so +doing had given himself a deceptive appearance of youth, but there could +be no doubt about his identity. Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great +English War Lord! In the light of after-events, how instructive was this +first meeting! + +"What is the game?" I asked, hiding my feelings under a smile. "England +against Germany?" + +"England and Scotland and Ireland and Australia and a few others. We +have ransacked the nursery and raked them all in." + +So even at this time England had conceived the perfidious idea of +forcing her colonies to fight for her! + +"And some Indian soldiers?" I asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid +Bengal Lancers. It struck me even then as very significant; and it is +now seen to be proof that for years previously England had been plotting +an invasion of the Fatherland with a swarm of black mercenaries. + +Lord Kitchener evidently saw what was in my mind, and immediately +exerted all his well-known charm to efface the impression he had +created. + +"You mustn't think," he said with a smile, "that the policy of the +Cabinet is in any way affected by what goes on at 'Chez Nous.' Although +Sir Edward Grey and I----" + +He broke off suddenly, and, in the light of what has happened since, +very suspiciously. + +"Have you had any tea?" he asked. His relations with the notorious Grey +were evidently not to be disclosed. + + * * * + +I met Lord Kitchener on one other occasion, but it is only since England +forced this war upon Europe that I have seen that second meeting in its +proper light. + +I had been out shopping, and when I came back I found him in the garden +playing with the children. We talked for a little on unimportant +matters, and then I saw his eye wandering from me to the drawing-room. A +soldier had just stepped through the open windows on to the lawn. + +"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny." + +As the latter came up Lord Kitchener smacked him warmly on the back. + +"Well," he said, "my martial friend, how many Germans have you killed?" +Then seeing that his friend appeared a little awkward he introduced him +to me. "Fräulein Schmidt, this is one of our most famous warriors--Sir +John French." + +I could see that Sir John French was taken aback. He had evidently come +down to discuss secretly the plan of campaign against a defenceless and +utterly surprised Germany, which their friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, +was to put in motion--and forthwith a German governess had been let into +the secret! No wonder he was annoyed! "You silly ass," he muttered, and +became very red and confused. + +Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed. + +"It's all right," he said; "Fräulein Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk +quite freely in front of her." + +It was the typical British attitude of contempt for the possible enemy. +But General French showed all that stubborn caution which was afterwards +to mark his handling of the British mercenaries, and which is about to +cost him so dearly. + +"Don't be a fool, Horace," he mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable +silence. + + * * * + +Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived with them, was a most interesting old +lady. She seemed to be in the secrets of all the Royal Family and other +highly placed personages, and told me many interesting things about +them. "Ah, my dear," she would say, "they tell us in the papers that +King George is shooting at Windsor, but----" and then she would nod her +head mysteriously. "He's a _working_ king," she went on after a little. +"He doesn't waste his time on _sport_." In the light of after-events it +is probable that she was right; and that when His Majesty George the +Fifth was supposed to be at Windsor he was in reality in Belgium, +looking out for sites for the notorious British siege-guns which have +murdered so many of our brave soldiers. + +In this connection I must relate one extraordinary incident. Young Mrs. +Brigsworth had an album of celebrated people in the British political +and social world. She was herself distantly connected, she told me, +through her mother's people, with several well-known Society families, +and it interested her to collect these photographs and paste them into a +book. One day she was showing me her album, and I noticed that, on +coming to a certain page, she turned hurriedly over, and began +explaining a group on the next page very volubly. + +"What was that last one?" I asked. "Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?" + +"Oh, that was nothing," she said quickly. "I didn't know I had that one; +I must throw it away." + +However, she had not been quick enough. I had seen the photograph; and +events which have happened since have made it one of extraordinary +significance. + +It was a photograph of the First Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in +bathing costume! + +As soon as I was left alone I turned to the photograph. "The First Lord +amuses himself on his holiday" were the words beneath it. "Amuses +himself!" Can there be any doubt in the mind of an impartial German that +even then England had decided to violate the neutrality of Belgium, and +that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, examining the possibilities +of Ostend as a base for submarines? + +No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had hurriedly turned over the page! + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + + "When the war was declared, 25,000 Bedouins were recruited in + Hebrun, but they were without food for three days and returned + to their homes saying this was not a Holy War."--_Peshawar Daily + News_. + +Their actual words were: "This is a----" well, _not_ a Holy War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Art Patron (to R.A.)._ "WE'VE LOST SO MUCH SINCE THE WAR +THAT WE'VE COME TO ASK IF YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO KEEP THIS PORTRAIT OF MY +WIFE AS CLEOPATRA."] + + * * * * * + + CHALK AND FLINT. + + Comes there now a mighty rally + From the weald and from the coast, + Down from cliff and up from valley, + Spirits of an ancient host; + Castle grey and village mellow, + Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold, + Crumbling church and cracked martello + Echo to this chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old!_ + + Screaming gull and lark a-singing, + Bubbling brook and booming sea, + Church and cattle bells a-ringing + Swell the ghostly melody; + "Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye, + Mingling with our dust below! + Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye + This our chant of long ago!" + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the days of long ago!_ + + Hills that heed not Time or weather, + Sussex down and Kentish lane, + Roads that wind through marsh and heather + Feel the mail-shod feet again; + Chalk and flint their dead are giving-- + Spectres grim and spectres bold-- + Marching on to cheer the living + With their battle-chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Witness Norman! Witness Roman! + Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old._ + + * * * * * + + "WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?" + +Those who wish to give practical expression to the approval of the +scheme for raising Military Bands to encourage recruiting--the subject +of one of _Mr. Punch's_ cartoons of last week--are earnestly invited to +send contributions to the LORD MAYOR at the Mansion House. Further +information may be obtained at the offices of "Recruiting Bands," 16, +Regent Street, S.W. + + * * * * * + +From a schoolboy's essay on the War:-- + + "When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces." + +This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of the official +War-bread. + + * * * * * + +Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:-- + + "Alas! what boots it with incessant care + To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?" + _Milton: "Lycidas."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_as his father exhibits his new Volunteer +uniform_). "WELL! MOTHER--I SAY! THIS BRINGS WAR HOME TO US, DOESN'T +IT?"] + + * * * * * + + OUR PERSONAL COLUMN. + +Many of the other papers have a Personal Column. Why should not _Mr. +Punch_ have one? + +He shall. + + * * * + +MLLE. FORGETMÉNOT bien arrivée à Londres le 14 Février. Où est M. +Valentin? + + * * * + +K.--Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly brke. Try yr uncl.--M. + + * * * + +JEHOSHAPHAT.--Will all Jehoshaphats combine to send bridge tables to the +Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, limited to £10 each, should +be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., 25, Sun Row, Chelsea. + + * * * + +FLORENCE.--I was there and waited from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do +this often as I have tendency to pneumonia. + + * * * + +WILL anyone lend young man £500 on note of hand alone to enable him to +procure clothes in which to present himself at recruiting office? +Nothing but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps him from enlisting.--Box +41, Office of this paper. + + * * * + +FOUND in neighbourhood of the Adelphi.--An Iron Cross, evidently awarded +by the KAISER. Initials upon it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously +invited to apply for it in person.--E. G., Foreign Office. + + * * * + +SHIRTS for our troops at the Front are still urgently needed. Please +send needles, cotton and material to Sister Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, +W.C. All persons desiring to sing about her activities should note that +the song is not published by Brothers Boosey but by another firm. + + * * * + +LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, between Acton and Blackheath, a +one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.--Anyone returning the same to +X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive 1/- reward and no questions +asked. + + * * * + +SMITH.--Will everyone named Smith at once send a sovereign to John +Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? Patriotic purpose to which money will +be put will be explained later. + + * * * + +WIFE of popular actor now serving in France would much appreciate the +loan of a London house, with servants and motor car thrown in.--Box 81, +Office of this paper. + + * * * + +A.B.C.--Please make no further effort to meet me. The depth of my +loathing for you can never be expressed in words, at least not in this +column.--J. + + * * * + +POLLIES.--Will all the Pollies of England kindly help a poor Polly to +continue her lessons in voice production.--Write POLLY, 2, Birdcage +Walk. + + * * * + +TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters contain good vivid accounts of +picturesque occurrences at the Front. _The Daily Inexactitude_ places no +limit on the writer's imagination. + + * * * + +YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust health, who has failed in everything +he has yet undertaken and does not approve of warfare, would like +situation as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to wealthy absentee +landowner.--Apply Box 29, Office of this paper. + + * * * * * + + The _Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger_, speaking of the four Turks who + succeeded in crossing the Suez Canal and who have since been + taken prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the four gallant + Turkish swimmers will now do good work in Egypt." + +We have no doubt that work will be found for them and that the prison +authorities will shield them from the dangers of a life of indulgent +idleness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SOUND AND FURY." + +KAISER. "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?" + +ADMIRAL VON TIRPITZ. "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE." + +KAISER. "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, 8th February._--Debate on Army Estimates +prefaced by statement from PRIME MINISTER casting gleam of lurid light +on a War of which this is the 190th day. Answering a question he said +the total number of British Army casualties in the Western area of the +War is approximately 104,000 of all ranks. This, of course, does not +include the death-roll in the Navy, a heavy tale of losses due far more +to mine and submarine than to fair fights on the open sea. But standing +alone it is not much less than one-half of the number of men, including +Militia, voted in the Waterloo year now dead a century. Numerically a +trifle compared with the huge gaps made in ranks of the enemy. +Nevertheless it represents sufficiently appalling sacrifice, chargeable +to the account of one man's whim. + +[Illustration: "EXCEEDING THE WILDEST DREAMS OF MARLBOROUGH OR +WELLINGTON."] + +Army Estimates for year, introduced by TENNANT in a speech equally lucid +and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary aspect. With an Army on +active service and in training exceeding in number the wildest dreams of +MARLBOROUGH or WELLINGTON, the aggregate sum asked for is £15,000. Seems +odd since, as UNDER SECRETARY FOR WAR in interesting aside stated, the +Army costs more in a week than the total estimate for the Waterloo +campaign, which stands on record at the modest sum of £6,721,880. + +This only a little official joke designed partly to relieve tension of +critical times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of enemy. Idea of Germany +cherished at War Office is that she is a sort of innocent Little Red +Riding Hood whose legitimate curiosity may be evaded either by +withholding information or mystifying it by administration of small +doses dealt out at safe intervals of time. Hence the Press Bureau, which +to-night came in for rough handling from both sides of House. + +[Illustration: "IDEA OF GERMANY CHERISHED AT WAR OFFICE IS THAT SHE IS A +SORT OF INNOCENT LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD."] + +If usual detailed account of expenditure on Army were set forth, the +German General Staff would know exactly what was in front of them in +respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible little army" which seven +months ago embarked upon a crusade more self-sacrificing, more glorious +than any recorded in the story of Britain. Failing that, they naturally +know nothing and will go on blundering in the dark. + +Accordingly Votes submitted to-night were what the Treasury calls +"token" estimates, each thousand pounds of the fifteen representing +untold millions to be expended on various services of the War. On this +understanding, Committee, practically without debate, amidst stern but +quietly expressed determination to go on to the end at whatever cost, +voted an establishment of three million men. + +_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday._--For first time since reassembling House sat up to closing +hour, 11 o'clock. Discussion of Army Estimates resumed. Committee has +advantage of WALTER LONG'S lead of Opposition. Shrewd, tactful, +conciliatory. Among miscellaneous Questions coming up was condition of +some of the huts contracted for by War Office. WALTER LONG associated +himself with sharp criticism offered from various quarters. + +The MEMBER FOR SARK regrets that engagement out of town prevented his +taking part in the discussion. + +"I happen to know something at first hand about the matter," he says. "I +spend my week-ends in a district which, lying on direct route for the +Front, swarms with detachments of recruits in training. In the late +autumn, huts were built for their accommodation. Quite nice comfortable +things to look at. Some stand on desirable sites overlooking land and +sea. + +"All very well as long as autumn weather lasted. But the winter told +another tale. Season exceptionally wet. Sinful rottenness of these +so-called habitations speedily discovered. Rain poured through the roofs +as if they were made of brown paper. Nor was that all, though our poor +fellows found it sufficient. When wind blew with any force it carried +the rain through the walls of the huts, formed of thin laths, in some +cases overlapping each other by not more than a quarter of an inch. +Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, the men dressing for morning +parade found their khaki uniforms and underclothing soaking wet. After +this had been stood for a week or ten days, the huts were condemned and +the recruits billeted upon inhabitants of neighbouring town. + +"This not mere gossip, you understand. Circumstances simply related to +me by the men themselves, some interrupting narrative with fits of +coughing inevitable result of nightly experience. Nor were they +complaining. Just mentioned the matter as presumably unavoidable episode +in preliminary stage of career of men giving up all and risking their +lives to save their country. + +"What I want to know is, What has been done in particular cases such +as this that must have come under notice of War Office? Have the +contractors got clear away without punishment, or have they been made +to disgorge? FINANCIAL SECRETARY TO WAR OFFICE stated in course of +debate that average cost of these encampments amounted to £13 per +man. In cases where huts are condemned, is the sorely-burdened but +cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding the money all over again, or is +the peccant contractor made to stump up?" + +_Business done._--Still harping on Army Estimates. + +_House of Lords, Thursday._--Death of Lord LONDONDERRY, buried to-day +near his English home, Wynyard Park, universally regretted. A strong +Party man, he had no personal enemies in the Opposition ranks, whether +in Lords or Commons. Unlike some distinguished Peers, notably Lord +ROSEBERY, he enjoyed advantage, inestimable in public life, of serving +an apprenticeship in the House of Commons, where he sat six years for +the Irish constituency which his famous forebear represented in the +Irish Parliament. He was born into politics. His earliest conviction, +thorough as were all he entertained, was one of distrust for DON JOSÉ, +who at the time when he sat in the House of Commons was carrying through +the country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised Programme. + +This feeling later replaced by dislike of GLADSTONE, who in the year +after Lord CASTLEREAGH, at the age of thirty-two, succeeded to the +Marquisate, brought in his Home Rule Bill. + +That was the turning point in LONDONDERRY's public life. Hitherto he had +toyed with politics as part of the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat. +Thenceforward he devoted himself heart and soul to withstanding the +advance of Home Rule, which he lived long enough to see enacted, Death +sparing him the pang of living under its administration. + +In his devotion to the fighting line rallied against Home Rule he was +encouraged and sustained by a power behind the domestic throne perhaps, +as has happened in historical cases, more dominant than its occupant. +_Cherchez la femme._ Londonderry House became the spring and centre of +an influence that had considerable effect upon political events during +more than a quarter of a century. + +LONDONDERRY's cheery presence will be missed in the Lords. His memory +will be cherished as that of one who fought stoutly for causes sacred to +a large majority of his peers. + +_Business done._--PREMIER made promised statement on subject of food +prices. Debate following was adjourned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +1. "ACH! HIMMEL!--A SHELL!" + +2. !!! + +3. "GREAT KRUPPS!--WHAT IS IT?"] + + * * * * * + + A Flower of Speech. + + "Mr. Asquith stated in the House of Commons this afternoon that + the Government were considering taking more stringent measures + against German trade as a consequence of the latter's fragrant + breach of the rules of war."--_Star._ + +Fragrant is the parliamentary way of putting it. + + * * * + "German Togoland, whose aspirations towards nationality have + been again aroused by the recent promises of the Czar, is + destined to be for us part of a new European state under the + protection of Russia." + _Leader_ (_B. E. Africa_). + +The fate of German Pololand in Africa will be decided in our next. + + * * * + "Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost of doing these works. + + Surveyor--I cannot say vbgkqis shr me." + _Wicklow Newsletter._ + +Neither can we, but we should never have thought of mentioning it to Mr. +MURPHY at this juncture. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chorus from the trench._ "WHAT 'AVE YOU GOT THERE, TOM?" + +_Tom_ (_bringing in huge Uhlan_). "SOUVENIR."] + + * * * * * + + A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA. + + V. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Our Battalion has gone. It has called back to the +ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. Even as I write it is racing +through the darkness across the Indian plains to its new station. I can +almost hear the grinding thunder of the wheels; the thud of men sleeping +on the seats as they roll off and crash upon men sleeping on the floors; +the pungent oaths mingling with the shriek of the engine whistle ... and +I am left behind in the Divisional Staff Office and attached to another +Territorial unit just arrived from England. Woe is me! + +I paid a last visit to the barracks to see my comrades before they left. +They were well and cheerful, but all suffering from a singular delusion. +When I expressed regret that I was not accompanying them owing to the +fact that my services could not be spared from the Office, they all +assured me with perfect gravity that this was not the real explanation +of my being left behind. While I have been plying the pen, they, it +appears, have reached such a state of military proficiency that to +re-introduce me into the ranks at this stage would have had a most +disintegrating effect upon the _moral_ of the entire Battalion. + +It was hard on me, they were prepared to admit, but efficiency must come +first. When, very shortly, they march down _Unter den Linden_ I must +surely recognise how very disastrous it would be for me to be there with +my rifle at an unprofessional slope. It would be so noticeable in the +pictures afterwards. + +They were all full of kindly commiseration about my future. They, of +course, will presently be leaving for the Front. England will ring from +end to end with the story of their prowess. In six weeks they will have +beaten the Germans to a standstill. Then--best of all--they will return +home, covered with glory and medals, to be received with frantic +demonstrations of joy, affection and adulation. + +Several years later, I gather, I may (if exceptionally lucky) return to +England unhonoured and unsung, with indelible inkstains on my fingers +and three vaccination marks on my left forearm as my only mementoes of +the Great War. On the other hand, having got fairly into the grip of the +Indian Government, it is quite likely that I shall end my days here. + +Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, one of them generously promised +to present me with a few Iron Crosses which he anticipates collecting on +the battlefield. But this gift, he was at pains to point out, was +contingent upon the very improbable circumstance of my surviving plague, +dysentery, enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite and other perils +of a prolonged sojourn in India. + +In the immediate future I can unfortunately see for myself that my +prospects are of the gloomiest. When I mildly suggested to my Colour +Sergeant that he should send me my pay by post each week from the new +station, he stared at me fixedly and reminded me with unnecessary and +offensive emphasis that I was now attached to another regiment, and that +he had finally and thankfully washed his hands of all responsibility +concerning me. When I sought out my new Colour, he informed me even more +emphatically that I was merely attached to his company for disciplinary +purposes and that it was blooming well useless for me to look to him for +pay. So there I am. + +It is the same with rations. None were sent for me this morning. It is +tolerably certain that none will be sent to-morrow. + +Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing end to a promising career, +won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if Lord KITCHENER knew the facts of the +case he would do something about it. Perhaps you could approach him on +the matter. Still, I have read somewhere that life can be supported on +four bananas a day. I can get eight bananas for an anna here, and I have +Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my money belt. I leave you to work it +out. + +I remember now that a wandering Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at +Christmas that I should live to be 107. That was one of his best points. +He also told me that I should be married three times and have eleven +children; that I had a kind heart; that a short dark lady was interested +in my career; that the KAISER would be dethroned next June; and that +fortune-telling was a precarious means of livelihood and its professors +were largely dependent upon the generosity of wealthy _sahibs_ such as +myself. Wealthy! + +But he was a true prophet in one particular. He foretold that I should +shortly be unhappy on account of a parting. + +Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to say good-bye to all my friends; it +is not cheering to reflect now that they are a thousand miles away, amid +fresh and fascinating scenes, about to undergo novel and wonderful +experiences from which I am debarred. But there is one lesson which the +Army teaches very efficiently--that, whatever one's personal feelings, +orders have to be obeyed without question. + +And I suppose they also serve who only sit and refer correspondents to +obscure sub-sections and appendices of Army Regulations, India. + Yours ever, + ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS. + +BRITANNIA STILL SITTING ON THE COPPER.] + + * * * * * + + THE COLLECTOR. + +Once upon a time there was an Old Gentleman who lived in a Very +Comfortable Way; and some of his Neighbours said he was Rich and others +that, at any rate, he was Well Off, and others again that at least he +had Considerable Private Means. And when the Great War broke out it was +clear that he was much too Old to fight, and he wasn't able to speak at +Recruiting Meetings on account of an Impediment in his Speech, and he +had no Soldiers billeted upon him, because there were no Soldiers there, +and he could not take in Belgian Refugees because he lived on the East +Coast--so he just read the Papers and pottered about the Garden as he +used to do before. + +But after a time it was noticed that he began to "draw in," as his +Neighbours said. First he gave up his Motor, and when his Gardener +enlisted he didn't get Another; and he never had a Fire in his Bedroom. +And his Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded that he had been Hard +Hit by the War. But None of them knew how. + +Then he began to travel Third Class and gave up Smoking Cigars. And they +thought he was waiting till the Stock Exchange opened. + +Then they noticed that he got no new Clothes and his old ones were not +so smart as they used to be. And as the Stock Exchange was open by now +they began to believe that he must have become a Miser and was getting +meaner as he got older. And they all said it was a Pity. But he went on +reading the Papers and pottering round the Garden much as before. + +And the Tradespeople found that the Books were not so big as they used +to be, and they began to say that it was a Pity when people who had +Money didn't know how to spend it. + +But the Truth is that they were all wrong; he was a Collector. That was +how the Money went. + +He never told anyone about his Collection, but he kept it in the Top +Drawer of his Desk till it got too big and overflowed into the Second +Drawer, and then into the Third, and so on. + +He was quite determined that his Collection should be complete and +should contain Every Sound Specimen--that was partly why he kept reading +the Papers. But he didn't mind having Duplicates as long as they had +Different Dates. There was one Specimen of which he got a Duplicate +every Week. + +One of his Rules was never to allow any Specimen into his Collection +unless it had a Stamp on it. + +It was quite a New Sort of Collection. It was made up of Receipts from +the People who were running All The Different War Funds. + + * * * * * + + THE SOLDIER'S COAT. + +After his ample dinner, William sank into the big chair before the fire, +and with a book on his knee became lost in thought. + +He woke half-an-hour later to observe that Margaret was knitting. + +"It's sheer waste of time," he told her, "to make anything of wool that +colour." + +"Is it?" she asked sweetly. + +"If there's no more khaki or brown wool left in the shops, you should +make something of flannel. Any self-respecting soldier would rather be +frost-bitten to death a dozen times than wear a garment of pink wool." + +"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, smiling. + +"Besides, you really ought to stick to the beaten track--belts, mufflers +and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs." + +"This is going to be a coat," she said, holding it up and surveying it +with satisfaction. + +"A coat?--that handful of pink, a coat? That feeble likeness of an +egg-cosy, a coat? A pink woollen coat for a British soldier! My poor +friend over there in the trenches, whoever you are, may Heaven help you! +And may Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this night's work!" + +"I shan't finish it to-night--it'll take days. And he'll be very proud +of it, I know." + +"Who will?" + +"The soldier-boy will. Bless his heart; he's a born fighter--anyone can +see it with half an eye. Mabel says----" + +"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? Well, what's Donald doing to allow +Mabel to take such an interest in this precious soldier-boy who is +prepared to be proud of a coat of soft pink wool? Who is the idiot?" + +"He's no idiot, and his name's Peter," said Margaret. + +"Peter! Peter what?" + +"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull yourself together, and try to realise +that you have been an uncle for at least three weeks. Donald and Mabel +are going to call him 'Peter'--didn't I tell you?" + + * * * * * + + "South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from shells and + shrapnel."--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +Just the place for our shy young sister +Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in. + + "On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, an engineer, + joined the Belgian Flying Corps, and did most useful work, being + complimented by his King for his invention of a new kind of + aircomb." + _Daily Mirror._ + +Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with a couple of spikes missing. + + * * * * * + + THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY. + + [Even the more obscure of the American papers often contain + important news of the doings of the British army many days + before the Censor allows the information to be published in + England.] + + I am told that few exploits are finer + Than a battle our Blankshires have won, + So bring me _The Michigan Miner_, + For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done; + If _The Miner_'s not easy to hit on, + Get _The Maryland Trumpet_; it treats + Of a story that's kept, to the Briton, + As dark as the Westminster streets! + + As our soldiers from north of the Border + Some vital positions have stormed, + Put _The Oregon Message_ on order + To keep me completely informed! + One moment! I've just heard a rumour + That the Germans' whole front has been cleft-- + Quick! Rush for _The Tennessee Boomer_; + Heaven grant that a copy is left! + + Each day in this keep-it-dark city, + Officials, to us, seem unkind + To censor such news without pity, + But, of course, they've an object in mind; + For a man, when his spirits touch zero + Through a natural yearning for facts, + Will enlist, and _himself_ be a hero + Where no one can censor his ACTS! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Patriot._ "AH! I SEE YOU HAVEN'T YET CHANGED THE +NAME OF YOUR EAU-DE-COLOGNE." + +_Second Patriot._ "PARDON ME, MADAM. I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF +LABELLING MY NEW SUPPLY 'COLOGNE WATER.'"] + + * * * * * + + AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM. + +O authors, remember to join your flats! + +The novel was going splendidly. I had been revelling in it. I was +sitting in one chair, with my feet in another, not far from the fire, +plunged in the story, when all of a sudden my pleasure went. + +It was in Chapter xvii., where the young doctor takes a taxi and rushes +up to the actress's flat so as to be there first, before Lord +Burlington. You must understand that the young doctor is newly in +practice and has the greatest difficulty in making both ends meet. Well, +it says that he sprang from the cab and was half-way up the stairs in a +moment. That was all right, but the point is that he stayed two hours +hunting for the missing letter. Now this is a very exciting passage, +because we know that the detective may be here any minute, and Lord +Burlington is coming too, and if either of them--well, the point is +that, owing to the author forgetting to make the young doctor pay the +taxi-man, all my pleasure went. + +I am not unduly economical, but I hate downright waste, and here was the +taximeter ticking all through the rest of that chapter and the next, and +further still. Had it been Lord Burlington's cab I should have cared +less, for he was rich; had it been the detective's I should not have +cared at all, because the driver might have gone to Scotland Yard for +his money. But the young doctor was so poor, and sooner or later he +would have to come out of the flat again, and then he would be caught +and faced with an impossible bill; and this got on my nerves. + +As I say, the story was frightfully exciting just there, but I found +myself, instead of participating in the excitement, saying, "Another +twopence"; "Twopence more"; "It must be four shillings by now," "Five +shillings," and so on. Not even when the face of the Chinaman appeared +at the window--he had climbed up the water-pipe and had a dagger in his +teeth--could I really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by now," was all I +said. + +The result was that the effect of the book was lost on me and I cared +nothing for what happened to any one. The taximeter ticked through every +subsequent page. Long after we got away from London altogether and the +young doctor was on his way to Hong Kong, racing the detective, I still +heard the taximeter ticking; just because the man had never been paid. +It ticked through the wedding bells; and it ticked through the +strangling of Lord Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, with which +the story closes. + +And that is why I say, O authors, remember to join your flats. + + * * * * * + + The Slump in Prussians. + + (SORTES VERGILIANÆ.) + + "_Procumbit humi Bosch._" + + * * * * * + + AT THE PLAY. + + "SEARCHLIGHTS." + +The title was not, of course, meant to deceive, for Mr. VACHELL is an +honest man; and anyhow the critics, for that is their business, would be +swift to disillusionize the public; but in our permissible state of +suspicion, the audience might easily be led to suppose from the word +"Searchlights," combined with the early appearance of an imported Teuton +in the person of _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_, that spy-work was in the air. +But the genial domesticity of this naturalized Scot quickly disposed of +our unworthy apprehensions, and we soon learned that his _provenance_ +had no bearing upon the issue. + +That issue was concerned with a question of paternity, whose acuteness +happened to be contemporaneous with that of the present European crisis. +I say "happened"; for here again I cast no reflection upon Mr. VACHELL'S +intent, or suggest that the war-element in his play was introduced as an +afterthought into his original scheme. If it was, which I doubt, then +the patchwork was cleverly concealed; and my only complaint must be of a +certain obscurity in the relation between the two patterns in his +design. For if the title implied that the effect of the War was to throw +a searchlight into the dark places of the human heart (as distinguished +from its influence upon our City streets), I do not think that in the +case of _Robert Blaine's_ heart, if he had one, the author has made this +operation sufficiently clear. + +Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, born after five years of barren wedlock, +who was the object of her husband's profound detestation. After some +twenty years--a little late, perhaps, in the day, but the author wished +us to be present when he did it--_Robert Blaine_, at a moment when his +wife is trying to get her boy out of a tight corner, declares an +inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, and she makes confession of her +fault. Subsequently--in a "strong" scene--she recants, alleging that her +confession was a work of creative art, produced in a spasm of spite; and +everybody except the immovable _Blaine_ is vastly relieved. + +But not for long, for she presently recants her recantation. You will +guess that, though a little shaken, we were not in despair, but looked +hopefully for a re-recantation. But you are in error. Her second +confession, though no words passed her lips, was obviously final. And +what induced it? What was the piece of conviction? If you will believe +me, it was just a photograph with which her husband confronted her--an +old photograph of her lover that she mistook for her son's, so close was +the likeness. This was surely a flaw in Mr. VACHELL'S scheme, for it is +unbelievable that she should have hitherto overlooked this fatal +resemblance, even if her attention had not as a fact been called to it +by a garrulous friend at quite an early stage in the proceedings of the +play. + +[Illustration: ROBERT BLAINE EXPERIENCING HOW VERY MUCH SHARPER THAN A +SERPENT'S TOOTH IT IS TO HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE'S THANKLESS CHILD. + + _Robert Blaine_ MR. H. B. IRVING. + _Harry Blaine_ MR. REGINALD OWEN.] + +Another weakness, common enough where an author wants to show a variety +of types and excuses himself from the trouble of assorting them, was to +be seen in the extreme improbability of the friendship between _Blaine_ +and _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_. These two were always staying in one +another's houses yet there never could have been the smallest of tastes +in common between the dour and moody financier and the light-hearted +consumer of lager beer and _delikatessen_. + +But I prefer, if you please, to dwell upon the shining virtues of Mr. +VACHELL'S _Searchlights_. With the exception of an interlude or two of +needless triviality--_Lady Schmaltz's_ sobbing scene, for instance--the +essentials of the tragic theme held us grimly in their grasp. But always +we could find relief in the author's humanity, revealed not only in the +passionate devotion of the mother's heart, but in the persuasive +character of her boy, and the unaffected quality of his relations both +to her and to the girl who wanted his love. + +Mr. VACHELL would be the first to acknowledge, and generously, how much +he owes to the really remarkable performance, as _Mrs. Blaine_, of Miss +FAY DAVIS, who can never before have accomplished so high an +achievement. But the matter was there for her clever hands to shape, and +that was the author's doing. + +Mr. HARRY IRVING'S, too, was a fine performance, though, from the moment +of his entrance, a figure of sinister portent, he lacked all contrast of +light and shade. But, to be just, that was hardly in the part, as +made--deliberately, so it seemed--for those particular methods of which +he is the master. + +As for Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, if all Teutons, naturalized or other, were like +his _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_ (or _Sir Keith Howard_, as he called himself +after the War began, on the principle that the best was good enough for +him) I should have small ground of quarrel with the race. But how this +joyous German ever came to wear a kilt and own a deer-forest I cannot +hope to understand, for there was no hint of Semitic origin in his face +or composition. + +Mr. REGINALD OWEN made a most human soldier-boy, and I shall never want +to meet a Guardsman with a better manner or an easier sense of humour. I +remark, by the way, that young _Blaine_ is the second stage-hero (the +first was in _The Cost_) whom the War has affected in the head. + +Miss MARGERY MAUDE, though she had the rather ungrateful part of a girl +who is quite ready, thank you, to be loved as soon as you feel like it, +played, as always, with a very perfect tact and charm. + +Finally, Miss KATE BISHOP was her dear old self, and Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' +sketch of a solicitor was as bright as it was brief. + +I venture to offer my best compliments both to the cast and to the +author, and to hope that his _Searchlights_ may serve well to pierce the +shadows of the night through which we are passing. + O. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_late gamekeeper_). "MARK OVER!"] + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + + (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Miss VIOLA MEYNELL brings to her analysis of character an astonishingly +acute observation and insight, an intimate sympathy, a quiet, leavening, +sometimes faintly malicious, humour; and to her synthesis a +conscientious and dexterous artistry in selection and arrangement which +gives a vividly objective reality to her creations. So that you may put +down her _Columbine_ (SECKER) with something like the guilty feeling of +an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon three girls is her main theme, +and it is difficult to overpraise her skill and restraint in the +handling of it. _Lily Peak_, the actress, beautiful, passionless, +incompetent, with her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand +philosophy of living, is a veritable _tour de force_ of characterisation +which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And between this +pretty nonentity and _Jennifer_, the competent, the loyal and the deep, +with her occasional flashes of beauty and her innocent provocativeness, +_Dixon Parrish_, one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded +modern young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. _Alison_, +his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, moves +unquiet on the well-planned background which holds that genially absurd +pseudo-intellectual, her father; the kindly negative _Mrs. Parrish_; +_Gilbert_, _Alison's_ lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits); +the pleasantly pretentious _Madame Barrett_ of the elocution classes; +and "that _Mrs. Smith_," who is only (but adroitly) shown through +_Lily's_ artless chatter. Miss MEYNELL chooses to write chiefly of +little moments in little lives. But she has adequate reserves of power +for bigger work, as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment +on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and meanwhile she has shown +herself mistress of a method singularly skilful and restrained. She does +not describe or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through +the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her characters--the +manifestly excellent way which so few have the wit or the courage to +follow. + + * * * + +_Mr. Leo Brandish_, so Miss PEGGY WEBLING assures me, intends to write +the professional biography of their mutual hero, that notable actor and +admirable gentleman, _Edgar Chirrup_ (METHUEN). In the meantime she has +told us all about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that +he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse are included +in the family portrait, with his children and the wife whom you and I, +and everyone else for that matter, realised was the one for him long +before he did. Some of the other pages in his life were less +satisfactory, more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not +in the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress jogged Fate's +elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy infatuation. If I could not +forget or ever quite understand this episode, neither could "_Chirps_" +himself in the years that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty +that had already won my affections were pleading for his release, with +the ladies (Fate and Miss WEBLING, I mean) collaborating over his +destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any but the happiest of endings +had been in store for the hero and his _Ruth_, for sweeter and simpler +folk have seldom been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public +into arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would seem to be +just that they have been able to catch the qualities of sympathy and +sincerity that belonged in the first case to the manner of the telling +of their story; so perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them +from the start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in +this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. Here is +tenderness without mawkishness, humour without noise, a sufficiency of +action without harshness of outline; most surprising, here is a story, +in which many of the characters are of the Stage, presented with an +entire absence of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, +one expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean +achievement. And so--my congratulations. + + * * * + +_Through the Ages Beloved_ (HUTCHINSON) might be fairly described as an +unusual story. I am bound to say that I both admired and enjoyed it; but +at the same time a more tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. +For the benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the +plot--whose scene is laid in Japan--is reincarnation. Consequently, +though the hero, _Kanaya_, begins as a modern student who has fought +through the Russo-Japanese war, you must be prepared to find him and +yourself switched suddenly without any warning into the remote past. I +am not quite sure that Mr. H. GRAHAME RICHARDS has been playing the game +here. So unheralded is the transference that even the close and careful +reader will experience some bewilderment; as, for example, when the +heroine, whose own name remains the same in both ages, re-enters with +different parents. As for the skipper, his doom will be confusion +unmitigated. However, once you have found your bearings again, there is +much to admire in the treatment of a time and a place so eminently +picturesque. Mr. RICHARDS' pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the +delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean air, the +colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, a flight of birds +crossing a garden of azaleas--all these are realized with obvious +knowledge and enthusiasm, and more than compensate for the intricacy of +the plot. But this is certainly there. Once only was I myself near +vanquished. This was when the _Kanaya_ of the past, himself the result +of the modern _Kanaya_ hitting his head on a stone, began to hint of +uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian future. Here I +confess that (like _Alice_ and _The Red King_) I longed for some +authoritative pronouncement as to who was the genuine dreamer, and who +would "go out." Still, an original story, and one to be read, even if +with knitting of brows. + + * * * + +[Illustration: THE PASSPORT WITH ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPH SOMETIMES +AROUSES SUSPICION. ONE SELDOM LOOKS LIKE ONESELF IMMEDIATELY AFTER A +ROUGH CHANNEL CROSSING.] + + * * * + +There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as a pot-boiler a +story that, when no longer in its first youth, can enjoy a second +blooming at ten shillings and sixpence net, in its own cardboard box, +and embellished with any quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures. +Yet I fear that this is my impression about _The Money Moon_ (SAMPSON +LOW). I have liked Mr. JEFFREY FARNOL'S other work too well to be able +to accept this at its present sumptuous face-value. You remember no +doubt how _George Bellew_, having been jilted by the girl of his +original choice, set out upon a walking tour; how on the first day of +this expedition he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing +in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant name of +Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at Dapplemere there lived a +small boy, who talked as boys do in books but nowhere else; a lavendery +old lady-housekeeper whose name (need I remind you?) was _Miss +Priscilla_; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. You recall too +how all these charming people took _George_ to their expansive hearts, +and welcomed him as the ideal hero, without apparently once noticing +that he must at the moment (on the author's own showing) have had a +swollen nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. The +whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that in America, where +_The Money Moon_ is at present shining more brightly than with us, there +exists a steady demand for this rather saccharine fiction. So let us +leave it at that. + + * * * + +There must be many persons (I am one of them myself) who, when +confronted with a topical burlesque of _Alice in Wonderland_, would +confess to a little regret. The book is such a treasured joy that one +hates to have any hands, even the cleverest, laid upon it. Yet the deed +is so often done that there is clearly a large public that does not +share this view. Therefore a welcome seems assured for what is +certainly, so far, the wittiest of the attempts, _Malice in Kulturland_ +(THE CAR ILLUSTRATED), written by HORACE WYATT, with pictures by TELL. +The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their task makes me +wish that my personal prejudice had allowed me to appreciate it more +whole-heartedly. Especially neat is the transformation of the _Cheshire +Cat_ into a _Russian Bear_, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a +clever drawing of this). You remember how, at _Alice's_ request, the +_Cat_ kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to grin? The +_Bear_ does the same, "beginning with an official statement, and ending +with a rumour, which was still very persistent for some time +afterwards." Mr. WYATT has certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall +look to see him developing in other and more virgin fields. + + * * * * * + + "CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?" + _Bristol Observer._ +They can be withdrawn with a pin. + + * * * * * + + "An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm, + Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb." + _Yorkshire Evening Post._ + +One would have expected a lion in these martial days. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United. + +On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +148, February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 *** + +***** This file should be named 44179-8.txt or 44179-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/7/44179/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/44179-8.zip b/old/44179-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..678d0be --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-8.zip diff --git a/old/44179-h.zip b/old/44179-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..be1b3fa --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h.zip diff --git a/old/44179-h/44179-h.htm b/old/44179-h/44179-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1707b89 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/44179-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3254 @@ + +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + +<head> + +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1" /> + +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, February 17, 1915.</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + +<!-- + +body {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + +p {text-align: justify;} + +p.author {margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;} + +p.center {text-align: center;} + +p.indent {text-indent: 1.5em;} + +blockquote {text-align: justify;} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {text-align: center;} + +pre {font-size: 0.7em;} + +hr {text-align: center; width: 50%;} + +html>body hr {margin-right: 25%; margin-left: 25%; width: 50%;} + +hr.full {width: 100%;} + +html>body hr.full {margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 0%; width: 100%;} + +hr.short {text-align: center; width: 20%;} + +html>body hr.short {margin-right: 40%; margin-left: 40%; width: 20%;} + +.note {margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-size: 0.9em;} + +span.pagenum {position: absolute; left: 1%; right: 91%; font-size: 8pt;} + +.smcap {font-variant: small-caps; font-weight: normal;} + +.poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;} .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + +.poem p {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + +.poem p.i2 {margin-left: 1em;} + +.poem p.i4 {margin-left: 2em;} + +.figure {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figcenter {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figright {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figleft {padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;} + +.figure img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figcenter img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figright img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figleft img {border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;} + +.figure p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figcenter p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figright p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} + +.figleft p {margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;} .figure p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figright p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figleft p.in {margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;} + +.figcenter {margin: auto;} + +.figright {float: right;} + +.figleft {float: left;} + +--> + +span.cursive {font-family: "Blackmoor LET", cursive;} + +div.tnote { + border-style: dotted; + margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + padding: 1%; + font-style: normal; + font-size: 90%; + text-align: justify; +} +</style> + +</head> + +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148, +February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148, February 17th 1915 + +Author: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: November 14, 2013 [EBook #44179] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1>PUNCH,<br /> +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>Vol. 148.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>February 17th 1915.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page121" id="page121"></a>[pg 121]</span></p> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p class="indent">The Turks are now reported to be +retiring through the desert, and the +Germans are realising that you may +take a horse to the place where there's +no water, but you cannot make him +drink.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">"Rapid progress," we read, "is being +made in the American movement to +supply soldiers at the battle fronts in +Europe with Bibles printed in their +own languages." We trust that one +will be supplied to the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>, who, +if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid +it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Suggested title for Germany and her +allies—The Hunseatic League.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The <i>Vossische Zeitung</i>, +talking of the proposed +blockade, says, "The dance +will begin on February 18." +Germania's toe may not be +light, but it is fantastic.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">You may know a man by +the company he keeps. The +<span class="smcap">Kaiser's</span> friends are now +the Jolly Roger and Sir +<span class="smcap">Roger Casement</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Messrs. <span class="smcap">Hagenbeck</span>, of +Hamburg, are sending +Major <span class="smcap">Mehring</span>, the German +Commandant at Valenciennes, +an elephant. So +we may expect shortly to +be told by wireless that a +large Indian body has gone +over to the Germans.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Earl <span class="smcap">Grey</span>, speaking at Newcastle +on the War, said that a German passenger +on the <i>Vaterland</i> remarked to +him, "Can you wonder that we hunger? +We have been hungry for two hundred +years and only had one satisfying meal—in +1870. We have become hungry +again." The pity, of course, is that +so few Germans can eat quite like +gentlemen.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed +their body belts "the dado +round the dining-room." In the whirligig +of fashion the freeze is now being +ousted by its predecessor.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Much of the credit for the admirable +feeding of our Expeditionary Force is +due, we learn, to Brigadier-General +<span class="smcap">Long</span>, the Director of Supplies. As +a caustic Tommy, pointing to his +"dining-room," remarked, "one wants +but little here below, but wants that +little Long."</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The <i>Deutsche Tageszeitung</i> informs +its readers that "the men of the +North Lancashire Regiment recently +attempted to force a swarm of bees to +attack German soldiers, but the bees +turned on the British and severely +stung one hundred and twenty of them." +After this success it is reported that +the Death's Head Hussars are adopting +a wasp as a regimental pet.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Talking of regimental pets, the lucky +recipient of Princess <span class="smcap">Mary's</span> Christmas +gift that was packed by the <span class="smcap">Queen</span> is +Private <span class="smcap">Pet</span>, of the Leinster Regiment.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">With reference to the private view +of a collapsible hut at the College of +Ambulance last week it is only fair to +say that there is good reason to believe +that not a few of those already +erected will shortly come under this +description.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Russian Minister of Finance, +<span class="smcap">M. Bark</span>, paid a visit to this country +last week, and it is rumoured that he +had an interview with another financial +magnate, Mr. <span class="smcap">Beit</span>, with a view to +forming an ideal combination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Says an advertisement of the Blue +Cross Fund:—"All horses cared for. +Nationality not considered." This +must save the Fund's interpreters a +good deal of trouble.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">The Corporation of the City of London +reports that diminished lighting, +so far from increasing the dangers of +the City streets, has reduced them, +the accidents during the past quarter +being only 331 as compared with 375 +a year ago. However, a proposal +that the lights shall now be entirely +extinguished with a view to reducing +the casualties to <i>nil</i> has not yet been +adopted.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">A gentleman has written to <i>The +Globe</i> to complain that at Charing +Cross Station there are signs printed +in German indicating the whereabouts +of the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. +We certainly think that, while we are +at war, these ought, so as to confuse +the enemy, to point in wrong directions.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Germany is now suffering from +extreme cold, and the advice to German +housewives to cook potatoes in their +jackets is presumably a measure of +humanity.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">To Mr. <span class="smcap">Watt's</span> enquiry in the House +as to how many German submarines +had been destroyed, Mr. <span class="smcap">Churchill</span> +replied, "The German Government +has made no return." +Let us hope that +this is true also of a good +few of the submarines.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><i>Der Tag</i>, it is announced, +is to be withdrawn from +the Coliseum. They could +do with it, we believe, in +Germany.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Theatrical folk will be +interested to hear that in +the Eastern Theatre of +War there has been furious +fighting for the passes.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/121.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Turk.</i> "<span class="smcap">I say, you fellows! Do you see the other Allies +are pooling their Funds? Capital idea!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The power of Great Britain +and her Allies was increasing +daily in strength, whereas the +power of her enemies was distinctly +on the wane. The existing +situation had been brought +about without the vest resources of the Empire +having yet been called in to play."—<i>Daily Mail.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Are we to understand, that, so far, we +have only called out the socks and +body-belts?</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"There is but one survival among the +historic shows of the [Crystal] Palace—a +portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking +one another 'What next?'</p> + +<p class="indent">A meeting of the directors of the Crystal +Palace Football Club is to be summoned to +decide on a course of action."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>The Evening News.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Without wishing to be needlessly +offensive to either of these bodies, we +venture to suggest that they should +combine their deliberations.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"If ... England and France keep the +police of the sea with the utmost vigilance, so +that no copper at all can reach Germany and +Austria, the fate of both Empires seems +certain."—<i>Times.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The land police must be guarded even +more vigorously if "no copper at all" +is to slip over.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page122" id="page122"></a>[pg 122]</span></p> + +<h2>THE GODS OF GERMANY.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his +country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be permitted +to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious life of Germany."]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends!</p> +<p class="i2">From East and West the heretic comes swooping,</p> +<p>But all in vain his impious strength he spends</p> +<p class="i2">If you refuse to let him catch you stooping;</p> +<p class="i4">All goes serenely up to date;</p> +<p class="i4">Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Deutschland—that beacon in the general night—</p> +<p class="i2">Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in,</p> +<p>Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right,</p> +<p class="i2">Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin;</p> +<p class="i4">O let us, in this wicked war,</p> +<p class="i4">Stick tight to Odin and to Thor!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Over our race these gods renew their reign;</p> +<p class="i2">For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing;</p> +<p>Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane</p> +<p class="i2">Attest the force of your religious feeling;</p> +<p class="i4">Not Thor's own hammer could have made</p> +<p class="i4">A better job of this crusade.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>In such a cause all ye that lose your breath</p> +<p class="i2">Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla;</p> +<p>And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death,</p> +<p class="i2">The fresh young houri promised you by Allah;</p> +<p class="i4">Between the two—that chance and this—</p> +<p class="i4">Your Heaven should be hard to miss.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE PASSPORT.</h2> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Your nose?" she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes," I said, "my nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. +It is Sir <span class="smcap">Edward Grey</span>, the—ahem—Secretary of State +for Foreign Affairs. In the midst of all his tremendous +duties he still has time to ask me to tell him what my +nose is like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney +Hatch. Will somebody tell me what this man is talking +about?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is +no mystery about it."</p> + +<p class="indent">"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see +it with the naked eye."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to +go to France. Therefore I may want a passport. I am +now filling in an application for it, and I find to my regret +that I have got to give details of my personal appearance, +including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all you can +do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? +Is it even wifely?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"But why can't you describe it yourself?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know +about his own nose? He only sees it full-face for a few +minutes every morning when he's shaving or parting his +hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile the +dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his +best to forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, +I haven't the vaguest notion what my nose is really like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down +as a loud blower and a hearty sneezer."</p> + +<p class="indent">"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span>. He doesn't want to know what it sounds like, but +what it looks like."</p> + +<p class="indent">"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Ye—es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean +delicate——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I don't," she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome."</p> + +<p class="indent">"It isn't," she said.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' +do? Aren't some noses called aquiline?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. +Try again."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me +that my nose is turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do +not want to have a turned-up nose, and what's more I don't +mean to have one, not even to please the British Foreign +Office and all its permanent officials."</p> + +<p class="indent">"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a +Roman nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I +dipped my pen and prepared to write the word down in the +blank space on the application form.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. +Now that I look at you again I'm not sure that yours +is a Roman nose."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting +things. It must, it shall be Roman."</p> + +<p class="indent">"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half +so Roman as mine. It is the noblest Roman of them all."</p> + +<p class="indent">"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass +it as Roman."</p> + +<p class="indent">"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Green," said Francesca.</p> + +<p class="indent">"No, grey."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Green."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Grey."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Let's compromise on grey-green."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span> will appreciate that. Oh, bother! I've written it in +the space devoted to 'hair.' However it's easy to——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. +I've often wondered what I ought to say about your hair, +and now I know. Oh, my grey-green-and-gentle-haired +one!"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what +about my eyes?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's +done."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. +Now I know what it is to have a real helper. Complexion +next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good word for complexion?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Yes, for some."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've +noticed that people who fill up blank spaces always use the +word 'normal' at least once. I shall call my complexion +normal and get it over."</p> + +<p class="indent">After this there was no further difficulty. I took the +remaining blank spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes +the application form was filled up. Having then secured a +clergyman who consented to guarantee my personal respectability +and having attached two photographs of myself I +packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have +not yet had any special acknowledgment from Sir <span class="smcap">Edward +Grey</span>, but I take this opportunity to warn the French +authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a non-Roman +nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and +a normal complexion may be seeking admission to their +country.</p> + +<p class="author">R. C. L.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/123.png" alt=""/> +<h3>THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Teuton Troubadour</span> (<i>serenading the fair Columbia</i>). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN TO MY LOVE-SONGS, +I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page125" id="page125"></a>[pg 125]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/125.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Bright Youth.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes, I'm thinkin' of gettin' a commission in something. What about joinin' that crowd with the jolly +little red tabs on their collars? They look so doocid smart.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE WATCH DOGS.</h2> + +<p class="center">XII.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">My dear Charles</span>,—It must be upwards +of a month since you heard from +me; I trust you have had sleepless +nights in consequence. To be honest, +I am still in England, prepared to go +out at a moment's notice, sworn to +go, medically approved, equipped and +trained to go, but (my one weakness) +never in fact going. War, of course, is +not open to any member of the public +who cares to turn up on the field and +proffer his entrance-money; it is an +invitation show, and we have not yet +received our cards.</p> + +<p class="indent">Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon +is an intensely personal affair, and +who interested himself in it from the +purely private motives of the patriot, +in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, +or in the wicked caprice of the +law-abiding civilian lusting to travel +abroad without a ticket, go shooting +without a licence and dabble in manslaughter +without the subsequent expense +of briefing counsel,—poor old +Tolley sees a personal slight in this, +and is quite sure that K. has a down +on all of us and on himself in particular. +He has no difficulty in conceiving +of the Olympians at the War Office +spending five working days and the +Saturday half-day in deciding what +they shall do about US; writing round +to our acquaintances for our references: +"Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober and +willing, punctual in his habits, clean in +his appearance, an early riser and a +good plain warrior?" and receiving +under confidential cover unfavourable +answers; and at night in his dreams +he sees the <span class="smcap">Secretary for War</span> pondering +over our regimental photo and +telling himself that there are some +likely-looking fellows in the front row, +but you never know what they have +got hidden away in the middle; counting +up the heads and murmuring, as he +wonders when he shall send us out, +"This year, next year, some time—never."</p> + +<p class="indent">But you, Charles, must be patient +with us, supporting us with your good +will and opinion, and replying to all +who remark upon the progress of the +Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its +way, but you wait till Henry gets out +and then you'll see <i>some</i> war."</p> + +<p class="indent">Meanwhile the soldier's life continues +with us very much after the manner of +the schoolboy's. We all pretend to +ourselves that we are now on terms of +complete mutual understanding with +the C.O. and the Adjutant, but none +the less we all study their expressions +with great care before we declare ourselves +at breakfast. There are times +for jesting and there are times for not +jesting; it goes by seasons, fair and +stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's +face is a barometer. In my wilder and +more dangerous moods I have felt +tempted to tap it and see if I couldn't +effect an atmospheric change. (In +the name of goodness, I adjure you, +Charles, not to leave this letter lying +about; if it gets into print I shall lose +all my half-holidays for the next three +years or the duration of the War.)</p> + +<p class="indent">The other morning I was come for, +that is to say I was proceeding comfortably +with my breakfast at 7.55, +when I was touched on the shoulder +and told that the C.O. would be glad +to see me (or rather, <i>would</i> see me) at +orderly room at eight, a thing which, +by the grace of Heaven and the continual +exercise of low cunning on my +part, has never happened to me before. +At least they might have told me what +I had done, thought I, as I ran to my +fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, +and improvising a line of +defence applicable to any crime. Believe +me, the dock is a haven of rest +and security compared with orderly, or +ordeal, room.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page126" id="page126"></a>[pg 126]</span> +When my turn came I advanced to +the table of inquisition, came smartly +to attention, saluted, cleared my throat +and said, "Sir!" (The correctness of +this account is not guaranteed by any +bureau.) I then cleared my throat +again and said, "Sir, it was like this." +The C.O. looked slightly nonplussed; +the Adjutant, who in all his long experience +of crime had never before seen +the accused open his mouth, began to +open his own. So I pushed on with +it. "My defence is this: in the first +place I did not do it. I wasn't there +at the time, and if I had been I +shouldn't have done it. In the second +place I did it inadvertently. In the +third place it was not a wrong thing +to do; and in the fourth place I am +prepared to make the most ample +apology, to have the same inserted in +three newspapers, and to promise never +to do it again."</p> + +<p class="indent">Orderly room was by now thoroughly +restive. "If you take a serious view +of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me +now and have done with it. Do not +keep me waiting till dawn, for I am +always at my worst and most irritable +before breakfast."</p> + +<p class="indent">When I paused for breath they took +the opportunity to inform me, rather +curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for +in order to be appointed to look after +the rations and billets of a party of +sixteen officers proceeding to a distance +that same day, and I was to dispose +accordingly. "If I had known that +was all," I said to myself, "I'd have +had my second piece of toast while it +was still lukewarm." I then withdrew, +by request. I found upon enquiry of +the Sergeant-Major, who knows all +things, that the party was to travel by +circuitous routes and arrive at 7.5 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, +whereas I, travelling <i>viâ</i> London, might +arrive at 5 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span>, and so have two odd +hours to prepare a home and food for +them. So into the train I got, and +there of all people struck the C.O. himself, +proceeding townwards on duty. +In the course of the journey I made it +clear to him that, if his boots required +licking, I was the man for the job.</p> + +<p class="indent">He smiled indulgently. "Referring to +that second piece of toast," he began.</p> + +<p class="indent">I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, +it is nothing," said I.</p> + +<p class="indent">"When we arrive in London," he +said, "you will lunch with me." I protested +that the honour was enormous, +but I was to arrive in London at 1.30 +and must needs proceed at 1.50.</p> + +<p class="indent">"You will lunch with me," he pursued, +adding significantly as I still +protested, "at the Savoy."</p> + +<p class="indent">After further argument, "It is the +soldier's duty to obey," I said, and we +enquired at St. Pancras as to later +trains. The conclusion of the matter +was that by exerting duress upon my +taxidriver I just caught the 4.17, which +got me to —— at 7.15, ten minutes +after the hungry and houseless sixteen.</p> + +<p class="indent">You don't think this is particularly +funny; well, no more did the sixteen. +But it was a very, very happy luncheon. +Remember that we have subsisted on +ration beef and ration everything else +for some months, and you will believe +me when I tell you that, upon seeing +a menu in French (our dear allies!), +opening with <i>crème</i> and concluding +with <i>Jacques</i>, we told the waiter to +remove the programme and give us the +foodstuffs. "Start at the beginning," +said the C.O., "and keep on at it till +you reach the end. Then stop."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop, Sir?" I asked.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all +over again" ... and so when we got +to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, +"Sir, if I may, your very good health," +meaning thereby that I forgave him +not only all the harsh things he has +said to me in the past, but even all the +harsher things he proposes to say to +me in the future.</p> + +<p class="indent">From the monotony of training we +have only occasional relief in the actual, +as for instance when we are kept out of +bed all night, Zepping. But this is a +poor game, Charles; there is not nearly +enough sport in it to satisfy the desires +of a company of enthusiasts, armed +with a rifle and a hundred rounds of +ball ammunition apiece. We feel that +the officer of the day, who inspects the +shooting party at 9.30 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> and then +sends it off about its business, is trifling +with tragic matter when he tells us: +"Now, remember; no hens!"</p> + +<p class="author">Yours ever, <span class="smcap">Henry</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/126.png" alt=""/> +<h3>LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Shirker.</i> "<span class="smcap">Nice bird! Say 'Polly scratch a poll!'</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>The Bird.</i> "<span class="smcap">Johnny, get your gun!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"The battle that has been raging for +several months has now ended in a distinct +triumph for the high-necked corsage."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Tatler.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Good. Now we can devote our attention +to the other war on the Continent.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page127" id="page127"></a>[pg 127]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/127.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Village Wit</i> (<i>to victim of ill-timed revelry</i>). "<span class="smcap">Wotcher, William? How was Joffer when you left?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OXFORD IN WAR TIME.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Who that beheld her robed in May</p> +<p class="i2">Could guess the change that six months later</p> +<p>Has brought such wondrous disarray</p> +<p class="i4">Upon his <i>alma mater?</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Distracted by a world-wide strife,</p> +<p class="i2">The calm routine of study ceases;</p> +<p>And Oxford's academic life</p> +<p class="i4">Is broken all to pieces.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No more the intellectual youth</p> +<p class="i2">Feeds on perpetual paradoxes;</p> +<p>No longer in the quest of truth</p> +<p class="i4">The mental compass boxes.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Gone are the old luxurious days</p> +<p class="i2">When, always craving something subtler,</p> +<p>To <span class="smcap">Bergson's</span> metaphysic maze</p> +<p class="i4">He turned from <span class="smcap">Samuel Butler</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Linked by the brotherhood of arms</p> +<p class="i2">All jarring coteries are blended;</p> +<p>Mere cleverness no longer charms;</p> +<p class="i4">The cult of Blues is ended.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The boats are of their crews bereft;</p> +<p class="i2">The parks are given up to training;</p> +<p>The scanty hundreds who are left</p> +<p class="i4">All at the leash are straining.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And grave professors, making light</p> +<p class="i2">Of all the load of <i>anno domini</i>,</p> +<p>Devote the day to drill, the night</p> +<p class="i4">To <span class="smcap">Clausewitz</span> and <span class="smcap">Jomini</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>While those who feel too old to fight</p> +<p class="i2">Full nobly with the pen are serving</p> +<p>To weld conflicting views of right</p> +<p class="i4">In one resolve unswerving.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No more can essayists inveigh</p> +<p class="i2">Against the youth of Oxford, slighting</p> +<p>Her "young barbarians all at play,"</p> +<p class="i4">When nine in ten are fighting,</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>And some, the goodliest and the best,</p> +<p class="i2">Beloved of comrades and commanders,</p> +<p>Have passed untimely to their rest</p> +<p class="i4">Upon the plains of <span class="smcap">Flanders</span>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>No; when two thousand of her sons</p> +<p class="i2">Are mustered under Freedom's banner,</p> +<p>None can declaim—except the Huns—</p> +<p class="i4">Against the Oxford manner.</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>For lo! amid her spires and streams,</p> +<p class="i2">The lure of cloistered ease forsaking,</p> +<p>The dreamer, noble in her dreams,</p> +<p class="i4">Is nobler in her waking.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"Lest we forget."</p> + +<p class="indent">In these days, when we have to be +thankful that our country has not, like +Belgium and France, been overrun by +savages, the greater mercies we receive +are apt to obscure the less. But +Swansea does not forget the smaller +mercies. According to a recent issue +of <i>The South Wales Daily Post</i>, "The +Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the +second time to St. Nicholas' Church, +Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday +evening next, at 6.30, when the directors, +committee and the two full teams +have promised to attend the service, +that, in the words of the Rev. <span class="smcap">Percy +Weston</span>, will be in the nature of a +"thanksgiving service for their good +fortune against Newcastle United"."</p> + +<p class="indent">Our compliments to the Rev. <span class="smcap">Percy +Weston</span>, pastor of this pious and +patriot flock.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page128" id="page128"></a>[pg 128]</span></p> + +<h2>WHAT I DEDUCED.</h2> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">By a German Governess</span>.</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, +having as large a sale in Germany as <i>What +I Found Out</i>, by an English Governess, is +having in this country.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">I shall never forget my arrival at +the house of my new employers. Into +the circumstances which forced me to +earn my living as a governess in a +strange country I need not now go. +Sufficient that I had obtained a situation +in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an +Englishman of high position living in +one of the most fashionable suburbs of +London. "Chez Nous," The Grove, +Cricklewood, was the address of my +new home, and thither on that memorable +afternoon I wended my way.</p> + +<p class="indent">"The master and mistress are out," +said the maid. "Perhaps you would +like to go straight to the nursery and +see the children?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Thank you," I said, and followed +her upstairs. Little did I imagine the +amazing scene which was to follow!</p> + +<p class="indent">In the nursery my two little charges +were playing with soldiers; a tall and +apparently young man was lying on +the floor beside them. At my entrance +he scrambled to his feet.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Stop the battle a moment," he said, +"while we interrogate the invader."</p> + +<p class="indent">"I am Fräulein Schmidt," I introduced +myself, "the new governess."</p> + +<p class="indent">"And I," he said with a bow, "am +Lord Kitchener. You have arrived +just in time. Another five minutes +and I should have wiped out the German +army."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you +wouldn't," shouted one of the boys.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was Lord Kitchener! He had +shaved off his heavy moustache, and +by so doing had given himself a deceptive +appearance of youth, but there +could be no doubt about his identity. +Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great +English War Lord! In the light of +after-events, how instructive was this +first meeting!</p> + +<p class="indent">"What is the game?" I asked, +hiding my feelings under a smile. +"England against Germany?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"England and Scotland and Ireland +and Australia and a few others. We +have ransacked the nursery and raked +them all in."</p> + +<p class="indent">So even at this time England had +conceived the perfidious idea of forcing +her colonies to fight for her!</p> + +<p class="indent">"And some Indian soldiers?" I +asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid +Bengal Lancers. It struck me even +then as very significant; and it is now +seen to be proof that for years previously +England had been plotting an +invasion of the Fatherland with a +swarm of black mercenaries.</p> + +<p class="indent">Lord Kitchener evidently saw what +was in my mind, and immediately +exerted all his well-known charm to +efface the impression he had created.</p> + +<p class="indent">"You mustn't think," he said with a +smile, "that the policy of the Cabinet +is in any way affected by what goes on +at 'Chez Nous.' Although Sir Edward +Grey and I——"</p> + +<p class="indent">He broke off suddenly, and, in the +light of what has happened since, very +suspiciously.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Have you had any tea?" he asked. +His relations with the notorious Grey +were evidently not to be disclosed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">I met Lord Kitchener on one other +occasion, but it is only since England +forced this war upon Europe that I +have seen that second meeting in its +proper light.</p> + +<p class="indent">I had been out shopping, and when +I came back I found him in the garden +playing with the children. We talked +for a little on unimportant matters, and +then I saw his eye wandering from me +to the drawing-room. A soldier had +just stepped through the open windows +on to the lawn.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny."</p> + +<p class="indent">As the latter came up Lord Kitchener +smacked him warmly on the back.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Well," he said, "my martial friend, +how many Germans have you killed?" +Then seeing that his friend appeared a +little awkward he introduced him to +me. "Fräulein Schmidt, this is one +of our most famous warriors—Sir +John French."</p> + +<p class="indent">I could see that Sir John French +was taken aback. He had evidently +come down to discuss secretly the plan +of campaign against a defenceless and +utterly surprised Germany, which their +friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, was +to put in motion—and forthwith a +German governess had been let into the +secret! No wonder he was annoyed! +"You silly ass," he muttered, and +became very red and confused.</p> + +<p class="indent">Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed.</p> + +<p class="indent">"It's all right," he said; "Fräulein +Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk quite +freely in front of her."</p> + +<p class="indent">It was the typical British attitude +of contempt for the possible enemy. +But General French showed all that +stubborn caution which was afterwards +to mark his handling of the British +mercenaries, and which is about to cost +him so dearly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Don't be a fool, Horace," he +mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable silence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived +with them, was a most interesting old +lady. She seemed to be in the secrets +of all the Royal Family and other +highly placed personages, and told me +many interesting things about them. +"Ah, my dear," she would say, "they +tell us in the papers that King George +is shooting at Windsor, but——" and +then she would nod her head mysteriously. +"He's a <i>working</i> king," she +went on after a little. "He doesn't +waste his time on <i>sport</i>." In the light +of after-events it is probable that she +was right; and that when His Majesty +George the Fifth was supposed to +be at Windsor he was in reality in +Belgium, looking out for sites for the +notorious British siege-guns which +have murdered so many of our brave soldiers.</p> + +<p class="indent">In this connection I must relate one +extraordinary incident. Young Mrs. +Brigsworth had an album of celebrated +people in the British political and +social world. She was herself distantly +connected, she told me, through her +mother's people, with several well-known +Society families, and it interested +her to collect these photographs and +paste them into a book. One day she +was showing me her album, and I +noticed that, on coming to a certain +page, she turned hurriedly over, and +began explaining a group on the next +page very volubly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"What was that last one?" I asked. +"Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, that was nothing," she said +quickly. "I didn't know I had that +one; I must throw it away."</p> + +<p class="indent">However, she had not been quick +enough. I had seen the photograph; +and events which have happened since +have made it one of extraordinary +significance.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was a photograph of the First +Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in +bathing costume!</p> + +<p class="indent">As soon as I was left alone I turned +to the photograph. "The First Lord +amuses himself on his holiday" were +the words beneath it. "Amuses himself!" +Can there be any doubt in the +mind of an impartial German that +even then England had decided to +violate the neutrality of Belgium, and +that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, +examining the possibilities of +Ostend as a base for submarines?</p> + +<p class="indent">No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had +hurriedly turned over the page!</p> + +<p class="author">A. A. M.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"When the war was declared, 25,000 +Bedouins were recruited in Hebrun, but they +were without food for three days and returned +to their homes saying this was not a Holy +War."—<i>Peshawar Daily News</i>.</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Their actual words were: "This is +a——" well, <i>not</i> a Holy War.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page129" id="page129"></a>[pg 129]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/129.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Art Patron (to R.A.).</i> "<span class="smcap">We've lost so much since the War that we've come to ask if you wouldn't like to keep this +portrait of my wife as Cleopatra.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>CHALK AND FLINT.</h2> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Comes there now a mighty rally</p> +<p class="i2">From the weald and from the coast,</p> +<p>Down from cliff and up from valley,</p> +<p class="i2">Spirits of an ancient host;</p> +<p>Castle grey and village mellow,</p> +<p class="i2">Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold,</p> +<p>Crumbling church and cracked martello</p> +<p class="i2">Echo to this chant of old—</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the valiant days of old!</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Screaming gull and lark a-singing,</p> +<p class="i2">Bubbling brook and booming sea,</p> +<p>Church and cattle bells a-ringing</p> +<p class="i2">Swell the ghostly melody;</p> +<p>"Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye,</p> +<p class="i2">Mingling with our dust below!</p> +<p>Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye</p> +<p class="i2">This our chant of long ago!"</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman,</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the days of long ago!</i></p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Hills that heed not Time or weather,</p> +<p class="i2">Sussex down and Kentish lane,</p> +<p>Roads that wind through marsh and heather</p> +<p class="i2">Feel the mail-shod feet again;</p> +<p>Chalk and flint their dead are giving—</p> +<p class="i2">Spectres grim and spectres bold—</p> +<p>Marching on to cheer the living</p> +<p class="i2">With their battle-chant of old—</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of knight and chant of bowman,</p> +<p class="i4">Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:</p> +<p class="i4"><i>Witness Norman! Witness Roman!</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>Kent and Sussex feared no foeman</i></p> +<p class="i4"><i>In the valiant days of old.</i></p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?"</p> + +<p class="indent">Those who wish to give practical expression to the +approval of the scheme for raising Military Bands to +encourage recruiting—the subject of one of <i>Mr. Punch's</i> +cartoons of last week—are earnestly invited to send contributions +to the <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> at the Mansion House. +Further information may be obtained at the offices of +"Recruiting Bands," 16, Regent Street, S.W.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">From a schoolboy's essay on the War:—</p> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of +the official War-bread.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent">Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"Alas! what boots it with incessant care</p> +<p>To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?"</p> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="author"><i>Milton: "Lycidas."</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page130" id="page130"></a>[pg 130]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/130.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Bobbie</i> (<i>as his father exhibits his new Volunteer uniform</i>). "<span class="smcap">Well! Mother—I say! This brings war home to us, doesn't it</span>?"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.</h2> + +<p class="indent">Many of the other papers have a +Personal Column. Why should not +<i>Mr. Punch</i> have one?</p> + +<p class="indent">He shall.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">MLLE. FORGETMÉNOT bien arrivée +à Londres le 14 Février. Où +est M. Valentin?</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">K.—Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly +brke. Try yr uncl.—M.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">JEHOSHAPHAT.—Will all Jehoshaphats +combine to send bridge tables to +the Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, +limited to £10 each, should +be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., +25, Sun Row, Chelsea.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">FLORENCE.—I was there and waited +from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do +this often as I have tendency to pneumonia.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">WILL anyone lend young man £500 +on note of hand alone to enable him +to procure clothes in which to present +himself at recruiting office? Nothing +but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps +him from enlisting.—Box 41, Office of +this paper.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">FOUND in neighbourhood of the +Adelphi.—An Iron Cross, evidently +awarded by the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span>. Initials upon +it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously +invited to apply for it in person.—E. G., +Foreign Office.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">SHIRTS for our troops at the Front +are still urgently needed. Please send +needles, cotton and material to Sister +Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, W.C. All +persons desiring to sing about her +activities should note that the song +is not published by Brothers Boosey +but by another firm.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, +between Acton and Blackheath, a +one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.—Anyone +returning the same to +X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive +1/- reward and no questions asked.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">SMITH.—Will everyone named Smith +at once send a sovereign to John +Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? +Patriotic purpose to which money will +be put will be explained later.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">WIFE of popular actor now serving +in France would much appreciate the +loan of a London house, with servants +and motor car thrown in.—Box 81, +Office of this paper.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">A.B.C.—Please make no further effort +to meet me. The depth of my loathing +for you can never be expressed in +words, at least not in this column.—J.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">POLLIES.—Will all the Pollies of +England kindly help a poor Polly to +continue her lessons in voice production.—Write +<span class="smcap">Polly</span>, 2, Birdcage Walk.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters +contain good vivid accounts of picturesque +occurrences at the Front. <i>The +Daily Inexactitude</i> places no limit on +the writer's imagination.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust +health, who has failed in everything +he has yet undertaken and does not +approve of warfare, would like situation +as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to +wealthy absentee landowner.—Apply +Box 29, Office of this paper.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +The <i>Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger</i>, speaking of +the four Turks who succeeded in crossing the +Suez Canal and who have since been taken +prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the +four gallant Turkish swimmers will now do +good work in Egypt."</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">We have no doubt that work will be +found for them and that the prison +authorities will shield them from the +dangers of a life of indulgent idleness.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page131" id="page131"></a>[pg 131]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/131.png" alt=""/> +<h3>SOUND AND FURY."</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Kaiser.</span> "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?"</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Admiral von Tirpitz.</span> "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE."</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Kaiser.</span> "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page133" id="page133"></a>[pg 133]</span></p> + +<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Extracted from the Diary of +Toby, M.P.</span>)</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Commons, Monday, +8th February.</i>—Debate +on Army Estimates prefaced +by statement from <span class="smcap">Prime +Minister</span> casting gleam of +lurid light on a War of which +this is the 190th day. Answering +a question he said +the total number of British +Army casualties in the Western +area of the War is +approximately 104,000 of all +ranks. This, of course, does +not include the death-roll in +the Navy, a heavy tale of +losses due far more to mine +and submarine than to fair +fights on the open sea. But +standing alone it is not much +less than one-half of the +number of men, including +Militia, voted in the Waterloo year +now dead a century. Numerically +a trifle compared with the huge gaps +made in ranks of the enemy. Nevertheless +it represents sufficiently appalling +sacrifice, chargeable to the account +of one man's whim.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/133.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Exceeding the wildest dreams of Marlborough or Wellington.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Army Estimates for year, introduced +by <span class="smcap">Tennant</span> in a speech equally lucid +and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary +aspect. With an Army on +active service and in training exceeding +in number the wildest dreams of +<span class="smcap">Marlborough</span> or <span class="smcap">Wellington</span>, the +aggregate sum asked for is £15,000. +Seems odd since, as <span class="smcap">Under Secretary +for War</span> in interesting aside stated, +the Army costs more in a week than +the total estimate for the Waterloo +campaign, which stands on record at +the modest sum of £6,721,880.</p> + +<p class="indent">This only a little official joke designed +partly to relieve tension of critical +times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of +enemy. Idea of Germany cherished +at War Office is that she is a sort of +innocent Little Red Riding Hood +whose legitimate curiosity may be +evaded either by withholding information +or mystifying it by administration +of small doses dealt out at +safe intervals of time. Hence the +Press Bureau, which to-night came +in for rough handling from both +sides of House.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/133b.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent">"<span class="smcap">Idea of Germany cherished at War +Office is that she is a sort of innocent +Little Red Ridinghood.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<p class="indent">If usual detailed account of expenditure +on Army were set forth, the +German General Staff would know +exactly what was in front of them in +respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible +little army" which seven +months ago embarked upon a crusade +more self-sacrificing, more glorious +than any recorded in the story of +Britain. Failing that, they naturally +know nothing and will go on blundering +in the dark.</p> + +<p class="indent">Accordingly Votes submitted to-night +were what the Treasury calls "token" +estimates, each thousand pounds of the +fifteen representing untold millions to +be expended on various services of the +War. On this understanding, +Committee, practically without +debate, amidst stern but +quietly expressed determination +to go on to the end at +whatever cost, voted an establishment +of three million +men.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Army Estimates +in Committee of +Supply.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tuesday.</i>—For first time +since reassembling House sat +up to closing hour, 11 o'clock. +Discussion of Army Estimates +resumed. Committee +has advantage of <span class="smcap">Walter +Long's</span> lead of Opposition. +Shrewd, tactful, conciliatory. +Among miscellaneous Questions +coming up was condition +of some of the huts +contracted for by War Office. +<span class="smcap">Walter Long</span> associated +himself with sharp criticism +offered from various quarters.</p> + +<p class="indent">The <span class="smcap">Member for Sark</span> regrets that +engagement out of town prevented his +taking part in the discussion.</p> + +<p class="indent">"I happen to know something at +first hand about the matter," he says. +"I spend my week-ends in a district +which, lying on direct route for the +Front, swarms with detachments of +recruits in training. In the late autumn, +huts were built for their accommodation. +Quite nice comfortable things +to look at. Some stand on desirable +sites overlooking land and sea.</p> + +<p class="indent">"All very well as long as autumn +weather lasted. But the winter told +another tale. Season exceptionally +wet. Sinful rottenness of these so-called +habitations speedily discovered. +Rain poured through the roofs as if +they were made of brown paper. +Nor was that all, though our poor +fellows found it sufficient. When +wind blew with any force it carried +the rain through the walls of the +huts, formed of thin laths, in some +cases overlapping each other by not +more than a quarter of an inch. +Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, +the men dressing for morning parade +found their khaki uniforms and +underclothing soaking wet. After +this had been stood for a week or ten +days, the huts were condemned and +the recruits billeted upon inhabitants +of neighbouring town.</p> + +<p class="indent">"This not mere gossip, you understand. +Circumstances simply related +to me by the men themselves, some interrupting +narrative with fits of coughing +inevitable result of nightly experience. +Nor were they complaining. +Just mentioned the matter as presumably +unavoidable episode in preliminary +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page134" id="page134"></a>[pg 134]</span> +stage of career of men giving +up all and risking their lives to save +their country.</p> + +<p class="indent">"What I want to know is, What has +been done in particular cases such as +this that must have come under notice +of War Office? Have the contractors +got clear away without punishment, or +have they been made to disgorge? +<span class="smcap">Financial Secretary to War Office</span> +stated in course of debate that average +cost of these encampments amounted +to £13 per man. In cases where huts +are condemned, is the sorely-burdened +but cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding +the money all over again, or is the +peccant contractor made to stump up?"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—Still harping on +Army Estimates.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>House of Lords, Thursday.</i>—Death +of Lord <span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>, buried to-day +near his English home, Wynyard Park, +universally regretted. A strong Party +man, he had no personal enemies in the +Opposition ranks, whether in Lords or +Commons. Unlike some distinguished +Peers, notably Lord <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span>, he enjoyed +advantage, inestimable in public +life, of serving an apprenticeship in the +House of Commons, where he sat six +years for the Irish constituency which +his famous forebear represented in the +Irish Parliament. He was born into +politics. His earliest conviction, thorough +as were all he entertained, was +one of distrust for <span class="smcap">Don José</span>, who at +the time when he sat in the House of +Commons was carrying through the +country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised +Programme.</p> + +<p class="indent">This feeling later replaced by dislike +of <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span>, who in the year after +Lord <span class="smcap">Castlereagh</span>, at the age of thirty-two, +succeeded to the Marquisate, +brought in his Home Rule Bill.</p> + +<p class="indent">That was the turning point in +<span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>'s public life. Hitherto +he had toyed with politics as part of +the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat. +Thenceforward he devoted himself heart +and soul to withstanding the advance of +Home Rule, which he lived long enough +to see enacted, Death sparing him the +pang of living under its administration.</p> + +<p class="indent">In his devotion to the fighting line +rallied against Home Rule he was encouraged +and sustained by a power +behind the domestic throne perhaps, as +has happened in historical cases, more +dominant than its occupant. <i>Cherchez +la femme.</i> Londonderry House became +the spring and centre of an influence +that had considerable effect upon +political events during more than a +quarter of a century.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Londonderry</span>'s cheery presence will +be missed in the Lords. His memory +will be cherished as that of one who +fought stoutly for causes sacred to a +large majority of his peers.</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Business done.</i>—<span class="smcap">Premier</span> made +promised statement on subject of +food prices. Debate following was +adjourned.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/134.png" alt=""/> +<h3>WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h3> + +<p class="indent">1. "<span class="smcap">Ach! Himmel!—a shell!</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent">2. !!!</p> + +<p class="indent">3. "<span class="smcap">Great Krupps!—what is it?</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A Flower of Speech.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"Mr. Asquith stated in the House of +Commons this afternoon that the Government +were considering taking more stringent +measures against German trade as a consequence +of the latter's fragrant breach of the +rules of war."—<i>Star.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Fragrant is the parliamentary way of +putting it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"German Togoland, whose aspirations towards +nationality have been again aroused by +the recent promises of the Czar, is destined to +be for us part of a new European state under +the protection of Russia."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Leader</i> (<i>B. E. Africa</i>).</p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">The fate of German Pololand in Africa +will be decided in our next.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent">"Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost +of doing these works.</p> + +<p class="indent">Surveyor—I cannot say vbgkqis shr me."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Wicklow Newsletter.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Neither can we, but we should never +have thought of mentioning it to Mr. +<span class="smcap">Murphy</span> at this juncture.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page135" id="page135"></a>[pg 135]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/135.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Chorus from the trench.</i> "<span class="smcap">What 'ave you got there, Tom?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Tom</i> (<i>bringing in huge Uhlan</i>). "<span class="smcap">Souvenir.</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.</h2> + +<p class="center">V.</p> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">My dear Mr. Punch</span>,—Our Battalion +has gone. It has called back to the +ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. +Even as I write it is racing through +the darkness across the Indian plains +to its new station. I can almost hear +the grinding thunder of the wheels; +the thud of men sleeping on the seats +as they roll off and crash upon men +sleeping on the floors; the pungent +oaths mingling with the shriek of the +engine whistle ... and I am left +behind in the Divisional Staff Office +and attached to another Territorial +unit just arrived from England. Woe +is me!</p> + +<p class="indent">I paid a last visit to the barracks to +see my comrades before they left. They +were well and cheerful, but all suffering +from a singular delusion. When I +expressed regret that I was not accompanying +them owing to the fact +that my services could not be spared +from the Office, they all assured me +with perfect gravity that this was not +the real explanation of my being left +behind. While I have been plying the +pen, they, it appears, have reached such +a state of military proficiency that to +re-introduce me into the ranks at this +stage would have had a most disintegrating +effect upon the <i>moral</i> of the entire +Battalion.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was hard on me, they were prepared +to admit, but efficiency must +come first. When, very shortly, they +march down <i>Unter den Linden</i> I must +surely recognise how very disastrous it +would be for me to be there with my +rifle at an unprofessional slope. It +would be so noticeable in the pictures +afterwards.</p> + +<p class="indent">They were all full of kindly commiseration +about my future. They, of +course, will presently be leaving for +the Front. England will ring from +end to end with the story of their +prowess. In six weeks they will have +beaten the Germans to a standstill. +Then—best of all—they will return +home, covered with glory and medals, +to be received with frantic demonstrations +of joy, affection and adulation.</p> + +<p class="indent">Several years later, I gather, I may +(if exceptionally lucky) return to +England unhonoured and unsung, with +indelible inkstains on my fingers and +three vaccination marks on my left +forearm as my only mementoes of the +Great War. On the other hand, +having got fairly into the grip of the +Indian Government, it is quite likely +that I shall end my days here.</p> + +<p class="indent">Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, +one of them generously promised +to present me with a few Iron Crosses +which he anticipates collecting on the +battlefield. But this gift, he was at +pains to point out, was contingent +upon the very improbable circumstance +of my surviving plague, dysentery, +enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite +and other perils of a prolonged +sojourn in India.</p> + +<p class="indent">In the immediate future I can +unfortunately see for myself that my +prospects are of the gloomiest. When +I mildly suggested to my Colour +Sergeant that he should send me my +pay by post each week from the new +station, he stared at me fixedly and +reminded me with unnecessary and +offensive emphasis that I was now +attached to another regiment, and that +he had finally and thankfully washed +his hands of all responsibility concerning +me. When I sought out my +new Colour, he informed me even more +emphatically that I was merely attached +to his company for disciplinary purposes +and that it was blooming well +useless for me to look to him for pay. +So there I am.</p> + +<p class="indent">It is the same with rations. None +were sent for me this morning. It is +tolerably certain that none will be sent +to-morrow.</p> + +<p class="indent">Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing +end to a promising career, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page136" id="page136"></a>[pg 136]</span> +won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if +Lord <span class="smcap">Kitchener</span> knew the facts of the +case he would do something about it. +Perhaps you could approach him on +the matter. Still, I have read somewhere +that life can be supported on +four bananas a day. I can get eight +bananas for an anna here, and I have +Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my +money belt. I leave you to work it +out.</p> + +<p class="indent">I remember now that a wandering +Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at +Christmas that I should live to be 107. +That was one of his best points. He also +told me that I should be married three +times and have eleven children; that I +had a kind heart; that a short dark +lady was interested in my career; that +the <span class="smcap">Kaiser</span> would be dethroned next +June; and that fortune-telling was a +precarious means of livelihood and its +professors were largely dependent upon +the generosity of wealthy <i>sahibs</i> such +as myself. Wealthy!</p> + +<p class="indent">But he was a true prophet in one +particular. He foretold that I should +shortly be unhappy on account of a +parting.</p> + +<p class="indent">Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to +say good-bye to all my friends; it is +not cheering to reflect now that they are +a thousand miles away, amid fresh and +fascinating scenes, about to undergo +novel and wonderful experiences from +which I am debarred. But there is +one lesson which the Army teaches +very efficiently—that, whatever one's +personal feelings, orders have to be +obeyed without question.</p> + +<p class="indent">And I suppose they also serve who +only sit and refer correspondents to +obscure sub-sections and appendices of +Army Regulations, India.</p> + +<p class="author">Yours ever,<br /> +<span class="smcap">One of the <i>Punch</i> Brigade</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:30%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/136.png" alt=""/> +<h3>FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS.</h3> + +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Britannia still sitting on the copper.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE COLLECTOR.</h2> + +<p class="indent">Once upon a time there was an Old +Gentleman who lived in a Very Comfortable +Way; and some of his Neighbours +said he was Rich and others +that, at any rate, he was Well Off, +and others again that at least he had +Considerable Private Means. And when +the Great War broke out it was clear +that he was much too Old to fight, and +he wasn't able to speak at Recruiting +Meetings on account of an Impediment +in his Speech, and he had no +Soldiers billeted upon him, because +there were no Soldiers there, and he +could not take in Belgian Refugees +because he lived on the East Coast—so +he just read the Papers and pottered +about the Garden as he used to do +before.</p> + +<p class="indent">But after a time it was noticed that +he began to "draw in," as his Neighbours +said. First he gave up his Motor, +and when his Gardener enlisted he +didn't get Another; and he never +had a Fire in his Bedroom. And his +Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded +that he had been Hard Hit by +the War. But None of them knew +how.</p> + +<p class="indent">Then he began to travel Third Class +and gave up Smoking Cigars. And +they thought he was waiting till the +Stock Exchange opened.</p> + +<p class="indent">Then they noticed that he got no +new Clothes and his old ones were +not so smart as they used to be. And +as the Stock Exchange was open by +now they began to believe that he +must have become a Miser and was +getting meaner as he got older. And +they all said it was a Pity. But he +went on reading the Papers and pottering +round the Garden much as before.</p> + +<p class="indent">And the Tradespeople found that the +Books were not so big as they used +to be, and they began to say that it +was a Pity when people who had +Money didn't know how to spend it.</p> + +<p class="indent">But the Truth is that they were all +wrong; he was a Collector. That was +how the Money went.</p> + +<p class="indent">He never told anyone about his +Collection, but he kept it in the Top +Drawer of his Desk till it got too big +and overflowed into the Second Drawer, +and then into the Third, and so on.</p> + +<p class="indent">He was quite determined that his +Collection should be complete and +should contain Every Sound Specimen—that +was partly why he kept reading +the Papers. But he didn't mind having +Duplicates as long as they had Different +Dates. There was one Specimen of +which he got a Duplicate every Week.</p> + +<p class="indent">One of his Rules was never to allow +any Specimen into his Collection unless +it had a Stamp on it.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was quite a New Sort of Collection. +It was made up of Receipts from the +People who were running All The +Different War Funds.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE SOLDIER'S COAT.</h2> + +<p class="indent">After his ample dinner, William +sank into the big chair before the fire, +and with a book on his knee became +lost in thought.</p> + +<p class="indent">He woke half-an-hour later to observe +that Margaret was knitting.</p> + +<p class="indent">"It's sheer waste of time," he told +her, "to make anything of wool that +colour."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Is it?" she asked sweetly.</p> + +<p class="indent">"If there's no more khaki or brown +wool left in the shops, you should +make something of flannel. Any self-respecting +soldier would rather be +frost-bitten to death a dozen times +than wear a garment of pink wool."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, +smiling.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Besides, you really ought to stick +to the beaten track—belts, mufflers +and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs."</p> + +<p class="indent">"This is going to be a coat," she +said, holding it up and surveying it +with satisfaction.</p> + +<p class="indent">"A coat?—that handful of pink, a +coat? That feeble likeness of an egg-cosy, +a coat? A pink woollen coat for +a British soldier! My poor friend over +there in the trenches, whoever you +are, may Heaven help you! And may +Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this +night's work!"</p> + +<p class="indent">"I shan't finish it to-night—it'll +take days. And he'll be very proud of +it, I know."</p> + +<p class="indent">"Who will?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"The soldier-boy will. Bless his +heart; he's a born fighter—anyone +can see it with half an eye. Mabel +says——"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? +Well, what's Donald doing to allow +Mabel to take such an interest in this +precious soldier-boy who is prepared +to be proud of a coat of soft pink +wool? Who is the idiot?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"He's no idiot, and his name's +Peter," said Margaret.</p> + +<p class="indent">"Peter! Peter what?"</p> + +<p class="indent">"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull +yourself together, and try to realise +that you have been an uncle for at +least three weeks. Donald and Mabel +are going to call him 'Peter'—didn't I +tell you?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from +shells and shrapnel."—<i>Advt. in "The Times."</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Just the place for our shy young sister +Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, +an engineer, joined the Belgian +Flying Corps, and did most useful work, +being complimented by his King for his invention +of a new kind of aircomb."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Daily Mirror.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with +a couple of spikes missing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page137" id="page137"></a>[pg 137]</span></p> + +<h2>THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY.</h2> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +[Even the more obscure of the American +papers often contain important news of the +doings of the British army many days before +the Censor allows the information to be published +in England.]</p> +</blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>I am told that few exploits are finer</p> +<p class="i2">Than a battle our Blankshires have won,</p> +<p>So bring me <i>The Michigan Miner</i>,</p> +<p class="i2">For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done;</p> +<p>If <i>The Miner</i>'s not easy to hit on,</p> +<p class="i2">Get <i>The Maryland Trumpet</i>; it treats</p> +<p>Of a story that's kept, to the Briton,</p> +<p class="i2">As dark as the Westminster streets!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>As our soldiers from north of the Border</p> +<p class="i2">Some vital positions have stormed,</p> +<p>Put <i>The Oregon Message</i> on order</p> +<p class="i2">To keep me completely informed!</p> +<p>One moment! I've just heard a rumour</p> +<p class="i2">That the Germans' whole front has been cleft—</p> +<p>Quick! Rush for <i>The Tennessee Boomer</i>;</p> +<p class="i2">Heaven grant that a copy is left!</p> +</div> + +<div class="stanza"> +<p>Each day in this keep-it-dark city,</p> +<p class="i2">Officials, to us, seem unkind</p> +<p>To censor such news without pity,</p> +<p class="i2">But, of course, they've an object in mind;</p> +<p>For a man, when his spirits touch zero</p> +<p class="i2">Through a natural yearning for facts,</p> +<p>Will enlist, and <i>himself</i> be a hero</p> +<p class="i2">Where no one can censor his <span class="smcap">ACTS</span>!</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/137.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>First Patriot.</i> "<span class="smcap">Ah! I see you haven't yet changed the name of your +Eau-de-Cologne.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent"><i>Second Patriot.</i> "<span class="smcap">Pardon me, Madam. I have taken the liberty of labelling +my new supply 'Cologne Water.'</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM.</h2> + +<p class="indent">O authors, remember to join your +flats!</p> + +<p class="indent">The novel was going splendidly. I +had been revelling in it. I was sitting +in one chair, with my feet in another, +not far from the fire, plunged in the +story, when all of a sudden my pleasure +went.</p> + +<p class="indent">It was in Chapter xvii., where the +young doctor takes a taxi and rushes up +to the actress's flat so as to be there first, +before Lord Burlington. You must +understand that the young doctor is +newly in practice and has the greatest +difficulty in making both ends meet. +Well, it says that he sprang from the +cab and was half-way up the stairs in a +moment. That was all right, but the +point is that he stayed two hours +hunting for the missing letter. Now +this is a very exciting passage, because +we know that the detective may be here +any minute, and Lord Burlington is +coming too, and if either of them—well, +the point is that, owing to the author +forgetting to make the young doctor +pay the taxi-man, all my pleasure went.</p> + +<p class="indent">I am not unduly economical, but I +hate downright waste, and here was the +taximeter ticking all through the rest of +that chapter and the next, and further +still. Had it been Lord Burlington's +cab I should have cared less, for he was +rich; had it been the detective's I should +not have cared at all, because the driver +might have gone to Scotland Yard for +his money. But the young doctor was +so poor, and sooner or later he would +have to come out of the flat again, and +then he would be caught and faced +with an impossible bill; and this got +on my nerves.</p> + +<p class="indent">As I say, the story was frightfully +exciting just there, but I found myself, +instead of participating in the excitement, +saying, "Another twopence"; +"Twopence more"; "It must be four +shillings by now," "Five shillings," +and so on. Not even when the face of +the Chinaman appeared at the window—he +had climbed up the water-pipe +and had a dagger in his teeth—could I +really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by +now," was all I said.</p> + +<p class="indent">The result was that the effect of the +book was lost on me and I cared +nothing for what happened to any one. +The taximeter ticked through every +subsequent page. Long after we got +away from London altogether and the +young doctor was on his way to Hong +Kong, racing the detective, I still heard +the taximeter ticking; just because the +man had never been paid. It ticked +through the wedding bells; and it +ticked through the strangling of Lord +Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, +with which the story closes.</p> + +<p class="indent">And that is why I say, O authors, +remember to join your flats.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">The Slump in Prussians.</p> + +<p class="center">(<span class="smcap">Sortes Vergilianæ.</span>)</p> + +<p class="center">"<i>Procumbit humi Bosch.</i>"</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page138" id="page138"></a>[pg 138]</span></p> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center">"<span class="smcap">Searchlights.</span>"</p> + +<p class="indent">The title was not, of course, meant +to deceive, for Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell</span> is an +honest man; and anyhow the critics, +for that is their business, would be +swift to disillusionize the public; but +in our permissible state of suspicion, +the audience might easily be led to +suppose from the word "Searchlights," +combined with the early appearance of +an imported Teuton in the person of +<i>Sir Adalbert Schmaltz</i>, that spy-work +was in the air. But the genial +domesticity of this naturalized Scot +quickly disposed of our unworthy apprehensions, +and we soon learned that +his <i>provenance</i> had no +bearing upon the issue.</p> + +<p class="indent">That issue was concerned +with a question of +paternity, whose acuteness +happened to be +contemporaneous with +that of the present European +crisis. I say "happened"; +for here again +I cast no reflection upon +Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> intent, or +suggest that the war-element +in his play was +introduced as an afterthought +into his original +scheme. If it was, +which I doubt, then the +patchwork was cleverly +concealed; and my only +complaint must be of a +certain obscurity in the +relation between the two +patterns in his design. +For if the title implied +that the effect of the +War was to throw a +searchlight into the dark places of the +human heart (as distinguished from its +influence upon our City streets), I do +not think that in the case of <i>Robert +Blaine's</i> heart, if he had one, the author +has made this operation sufficiently +clear.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, +born after five years of barren wedlock, +who was the object of her husband's +profound detestation. After some twenty +years—a little late, perhaps, in the day, +but the author wished us to be present +when he did it—<i>Robert Blaine</i>, at a +moment when his wife is trying to get +her boy out of a tight corner, declares +an inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, +and she makes confession of her fault. +Subsequently—in a "strong" scene—she +recants, alleging that her confession +was a work of creative art, produced in +a spasm of spite; and everybody except +the immovable <i>Blaine</i> is vastly relieved.</p> + +<p class="indent">But not for long, for she presently +recants her recantation. You will guess +that, though a little shaken, we were +not in despair, but looked hopefully for +a re-recantation. But you are in error. +Her second confession, though no +words passed her lips, was obviously +final. And what induced it? What +was the piece of conviction? If you +will believe me, it was just a photograph +with which her husband confronted +her—an old photograph of her +lover that she mistook for her son's, so +close was the likeness. This was surely +a flaw in Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> scheme, for it +is unbelievable that she should have +hitherto overlooked this fatal resemblance, +even if her attention had not +as a fact been called to it by a garrulous +friend at quite an early stage in the +proceedings of the play.</p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/138.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">Robert Blaine experiencing how very much sharper than a serpent's +tooth it is to have somebody else's thankless child.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p><i>Robert Blaine</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. H. B. Irving</span>.</p> +<p><i>Harry Blaine</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Reginald Owen</span>.</p> +</div> +</div> +</div> + +<p class="indent">Another weakness, common enough +where an author wants to show a +variety of types and excuses himself +from the trouble of assorting them, was +to be seen in the extreme improbability +of the friendship between <i>Blaine</i> and +<i>Sir Adalbert Schmaltz</i>. These two were +always staying in one another's houses +yet there never could have been the +smallest of tastes in common between +the dour and moody financier and the +light-hearted consumer of lager beer +and <i>delikatessen</i>.</p> + +<p class="indent">But I prefer, if you please, to dwell +upon the shining virtues of Mr. +<span class="smcap">Vachell's</span> <i>Searchlights</i>. With the +exception of an interlude or two of +needless triviality—<i>Lady Schmaltz's</i> +sobbing scene, for instance—the essentials +of the tragic theme held us grimly +in their grasp. But always we could +find relief in the author's humanity, +revealed not only in the passionate +devotion of the mother's heart, but in +the persuasive character of her boy, +and the unaffected quality of his relations +both to her and to the girl who +wanted his love.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Vachell</span> would be the first to +acknowledge, and generously, how +much he owes to the really remarkable +performance, as <i>Mrs. Blaine</i>, of Miss +<span class="smcap">Fay Davis</span>, who can never before have +accomplished so high an achievement. +But the matter was there for her clever +hands to shape, and that was the +author's doing.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Harry Irving's</span>, too, was a fine +performance, though, from the moment +of his entrance, a figure of sinister +portent, he lacked all +contrast of light and +shade. But, to be just, +that was hardly in the +part, as made—deliberately, +so it seemed—for +those particular methods +of which he is the master.</p> + +<p class="indent">As for Mr. <span class="smcap">Holman +Clark</span>, if all Teutons, +naturalized or other, +were like his <i>Sir Adalbert +Schmaltz</i> (or <i>Sir Keith +Howard</i>, as he called +himself after the War +began, on the principle +that the best was good +enough for him) I should +have small ground of +quarrel with the race. +But how this joyous German +ever came to wear a +kilt and own a deer-forest +I cannot hope to understand, +for there was no +hint of Semitic origin in +his face or composition.</p> + +<p class="indent">Mr. <span class="smcap">Reginald Owen</span> made a most +human soldier-boy, and I shall never +want to meet a Guardsman with a better +manner or an easier sense of humour. +I remark, by the way, that young +<i>Blaine</i> is the second stage-hero (the +first was in <i>The Cost</i>) whom the War +has affected in the head.</p> + +<p class="indent">Miss <span class="smcap">Margery Maude</span>, though she +had the rather ungrateful part of a girl +who is quite ready, thank you, to be +loved as soon as you feel like it, played, +as always, with a very perfect tact and +charm.</p> + +<p class="indent">Finally, Miss <span class="smcap">Kate Bishop</span> was her +dear old self, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Tom Reynolds'</span> +sketch of a solicitor was as bright as +it was brief.</p> + +<p class="indent">I venture to offer my best compliments +both to the cast and to the +author, and to hope that his <i>Searchlights</i> +may serve well to pierce the +shadows of the night through which +we are passing.</p> + +<p class="author">O. S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="indent"><span class="pagenum"><a name="page139" id="page139"></a>[pg 139]</span></p> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/139.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><i>Tommy</i> (<i>late gamekeeper</i>). "<span class="smcap">Mark over!</span>"</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + +<p class="indent">Miss <span class="smcap">Viola Meynell</span> brings to her analysis of character +an astonishingly acute observation and insight, an intimate +sympathy, a quiet, leavening, sometimes faintly malicious, +humour; and to her synthesis a conscientious and dexterous +artistry in selection and arrangement which gives a vividly +objective reality to her creations. So that you may put +down her <i>Columbine</i> (<span class="smcap">Secker</span>) with something like the +guilty feeling of an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon +three girls is her main theme, and it is difficult to overpraise +her skill and restraint in the handling of it. <i>Lily +Peak</i>, the actress, beautiful, passionless, incompetent, with +her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand philosophy +of living, is a veritable <i>tour de force</i> of characterisation +which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And +between this pretty nonentity and <i>Jennifer</i>, the competent, +the loyal and the deep, with her occasional flashes of +beauty and her innocent provocativeness, <i>Dixon Parrish</i>, +one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded modern +young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. +<i>Alison</i>, his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, +moves unquiet on the well-planned background +which holds that genially absurd pseudo-intellectual, +her father; the kindly negative <i>Mrs. Parrish</i>; <i>Gilbert</i>, +<i>Alison's</i> lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits); the +pleasantly pretentious <i>Madame Barrett</i> of the elocution +classes; and "that <i>Mrs. Smith</i>," who is only (but adroitly) +shown through <i>Lily's</i> artless chatter. Miss <span class="smcap">Meynell</span> +chooses to write chiefly of little moments in little lives. +But she has adequate reserves of power for bigger work, +as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment +on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and +meanwhile she has shown herself mistress of a method +singularly skilful and restrained. She does not describe +or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through +the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her +characters—the manifestly excellent way which so few +have the wit or the courage to follow.</p> + +<hr class="short"/> + +<p class="indent"><i>Mr. Leo Brandish</i>, so Miss <span class="smcap">Peggy Webling</span> assures me, +intends to write the professional biography of their mutual +hero, that notable actor and admirable gentleman, <i>Edgar +Chirrup</i> (<span class="smcap">Methuen</span>). In the meantime she has told us all +about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that +he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse +are included in the family portrait, with his children and +the wife whom you and I, and everyone else for that +matter, realised was the one for him long before he did. +Some of the other pages in his life were less satisfactory, +more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not in +the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress +jogged Fate's elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy +infatuation. If I could not forget or ever quite understand +this episode, neither could "<i>Chirps</i>" himself in the years +that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty that had +already won my affections were pleading for his release, +with the ladies (Fate and Miss <span class="smcap">Webling</span>, I mean) collaborating +over his destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any +but the happiest of endings had been in store for the hero +and his <i>Ruth</i>, for sweeter and simpler folk have seldom +been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public into +arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page140" id="page140"></a>[pg 140]</span> +seem to be just that they have been able to catch the +qualities of sympathy and sincerity that belonged in the +first case to the manner of the telling of their story; so +perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them from the +start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in +this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. +Here is tenderness without mawkishness, humour without +noise, a sufficiency of action without harshness of outline; +most surprising, here is a story, in which many of the +characters are of the Stage, presented with an entire absence +of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, one +expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean +achievement. And so—my congratulations.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent"><i>Through the Ages Beloved</i> (<span class="smcap">Hutchinson</span>) might be fairly +described as an unusual story. I am bound to say that I +both admired and enjoyed it; but at the same time a more +tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. For the +benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the +plot—whose scene is laid +in Japan—is reincarnation. +Consequently, +though the hero, <i>Kanaya</i>, +begins as a modern student +who has fought +through the Russo-Japanese +war, you must be +prepared to find him and +yourself switched suddenly +without any warning into +the remote past. I am not +quite sure that Mr. <span class="smcap">H. +Grahame Richards</span> has +been playing the game +here. So unheralded is +the transference that even +the close and careful reader +will experience some bewilderment; +as, for example, +when the heroine, +whose own name remains +the same in both ages, +re-enters with different +parents. As for the skipper, +his doom will be +confusion unmitigated. However, once you have found +your bearings again, there is much to admire in the treatment +of a time and a place so eminently picturesque. Mr. +<span class="smcap">Richards'</span> pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the +delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean +air, the colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, +a flight of birds crossing a garden of azaleas—all these are +realized with obvious knowledge and enthusiasm, and more +than compensate for the intricacy of the plot. But this is +certainly there. Once only was I myself near vanquished. +This was when the <i>Kanaya</i> of the past, himself the result +of the modern <i>Kanaya</i> hitting his head on a stone, began +to hint of uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian +future. Here I confess that (like <i>Alice</i> and <i>The Red King</i>) +I longed for some authoritative pronouncement as to who +was the genuine dreamer, and who would "go out." Still, +an original story, and one to be read, even if with knitting +of brows.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> +<img width="100%" src="images/140.png" alt=""/> +<p class="indent"><span class="smcap">The Passport with accompanying photograph sometimes arouses +suspicion. One seldom looks like oneself immediately after a +rough Channel crossing.</span></p> +</div> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as +a pot-boiler a story that, when no longer in its first youth, +can enjoy a second blooming at ten shillings and sixpence +net, in its own cardboard box, and embellished with any +quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures. Yet I fear that +this is my impression about <i>The Money Moon</i> (<span class="smcap">Sampson +Low</span>). I have liked Mr. <span class="smcap">Jeffrey Farnol's</span> other work too +well to be able to accept this at its present sumptuous +face-value. You remember no doubt how <i>George Bellew</i>, +having been jilted by the girl of his original choice, set out +upon a walking tour; how on the first day of this expedition +he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing +in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant +name of Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at +Dapplemere there lived a small boy, who talked as boys do +in books but nowhere else; a lavendery old lady-housekeeper +whose name (need I remind you?) was <i>Miss +Priscilla</i>; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. +You recall too how all these charming people took <i>George</i> +to their expansive hearts, and welcomed him as the ideal +hero, without apparently once noticing that he must at the +moment (on the author's own showing) have had a swollen +nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. +The whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that +in America, where <i>The +Money Moon</i> is at present +shining more brightly than +with us, there exists a +steady demand for this +rather saccharine fiction. +So let us leave it at that.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="indent">There must be many +persons (I am one of them +myself) who, when confronted +with a topical +burlesque of <i>Alice in +Wonderland</i>, would confess +to a little regret. +The book is such a treasured +joy that one hates to +have any hands, even the +cleverest, laid upon it. +Yet the deed is so often +done that there is clearly +a large public that does +not share this view. Therefore +a welcome seems +assured for what is certainly, +so far, the wittiest +of the attempts, <i>Malice in Kulturland</i> (<span class="smcap">The Car Illustrated</span>), +written by <span class="smcap">Horace Wyatt</span>, with pictures by <span class="smcap">Tell</span>. +The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their +task makes me wish that my personal prejudice had allowed +me to appreciate it more whole-heartedly. Especially neat +is the transformation of the <i>Cheshire Cat</i> into a <i>Russian +Bear</i>, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a clever drawing +of this). You remember how, at <i>Alice's</i> request, the <i>Cat</i> +kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to +grin? The <i>Bear</i> does the same, "beginning with an official +statement, and ending with a rumour, which was still very +persistent for some time afterwards." Mr. <span class="smcap">Wyatt</span> has +certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall look to see +him developing in other and more virgin fields.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?"</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Bristol Observer.</i></p> + +<p class="indent">They can be withdrawn with a pin.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<p class="indent"> +"An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm, +Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Yorkshire Evening Post.</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<p class="indent">One would have expected a lion in these martial days.</p> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<div class="tnote"> + +<h2>Transcriber Notes:</h2> + +<p class="indent">Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.</p> + +<p class="indent">The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book.</p> + +<p class="indent">Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted.</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United."</p> + +<p class="indent">On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four".</p> +</div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +148, February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 *** + +***** This file should be named 44179-h.htm or 44179-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/7/44179/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> + diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/121.png b/old/44179-h/images/121.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d0e547 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/121.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/123.png b/old/44179-h/images/123.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..355bd2a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/123.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/125.png b/old/44179-h/images/125.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5dd2f6b --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/125.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/126.png b/old/44179-h/images/126.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2e99fe7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/126.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/127.png b/old/44179-h/images/127.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4e21a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/127.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/129.png b/old/44179-h/images/129.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97f5239 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/129.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/130.png b/old/44179-h/images/130.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..20cd925 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/130.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/131.png b/old/44179-h/images/131.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..781f3d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/131.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/133.png b/old/44179-h/images/133.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0a34e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/133.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/133b.png b/old/44179-h/images/133b.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac8b028 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/133b.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/134.png b/old/44179-h/images/134.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f87cc7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/134.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/135.png b/old/44179-h/images/135.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d55c288 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/135.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/136.png b/old/44179-h/images/136.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6461059 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/136.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/137.png b/old/44179-h/images/137.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1f6dc28 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/137.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/138.png b/old/44179-h/images/138.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e18ff5c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/138.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/139.png b/old/44179-h/images/139.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e3e5303 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/139.png diff --git a/old/44179-h/images/140.png b/old/44179-h/images/140.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fe5cac --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179-h/images/140.png diff --git a/old/44179.txt b/old/44179.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2b02717 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2198 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148, +February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + + +Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148, February 17th 1915 + +Author: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: November 14, 2013 [EBook #44179] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + VOL. 148. + FEBRUARY 17, 1915. + + + + + CHARIVARIA. + +The Turks are now reported to be retiring through the desert, and the +Germans are realising that you may take a horse to the place where +there's no water, but you cannot make him drink. + + * * * + +"Rapid progress," we read, "is being made in the American movement to +supply soldiers at the battle fronts in Europe with Bibles printed in +their own languages." We trust that one will be supplied to the KAISER, +who, if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid it. + + * * * + +Suggested title for Germany and her allies--The Hunseatic League. + + * * * + +The _Vossische Zeitung_, talking of the proposed blockade, says, "The +dance will begin on February 18." Germania's toe may not be light, but +it is fantastic. + + * * * + +You may know a man by the company he keeps. The KAISER'S friends are now +the Jolly Roger and Sir ROGER CASEMENT. + + * * * + +Messrs. HAGENBECK, of Hamburg, are sending Major MEHRING, the German +Commandant at Valenciennes, an elephant. So we may expect shortly to be +told by wireless that a large Indian body has gone over to the Germans. + + * * * + +Earl GREY, speaking at Newcastle on the War, said that a German +passenger on the _Vaterland_ remarked to him, "Can you wonder that we +hunger? We have been hungry for two hundred years and only had one +satisfying meal--in 1870. We have become hungry again." The pity, of +course, is that so few Germans can eat quite like gentlemen. + + * * * + +The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed their body belts "the dado +round the dining-room." In the whirligig of fashion the freeze is now +being ousted by its predecessor. + + * * * + +Much of the credit for the admirable feeding of our Expeditionary Force +is due, we learn, to Brigadier-General LONG, the Director of Supplies. +As a caustic Tommy, pointing to his "dining-room," remarked, "one wants +but little here below, but wants that little Long." + + * * * + +The _Deutsche Tageszeitung_ informs its readers that "the men of the +North Lancashire Regiment recently attempted to force a swarm of bees to +attack German soldiers, but the bees turned on the British and severely +stung one hundred and twenty of them." After this success it is reported +that the Death's Head Hussars are adopting a wasp as a regimental pet. + + * * * + +Talking of regimental pets, the lucky recipient of Princess MARY'S +Christmas gift that was packed by the QUEEN is Private PET, of the +Leinster Regiment. + + * * * + +With reference to the private view of a collapsible hut at the College +of Ambulance last week it is only fair to say that there is good reason +to believe that not a few of those already erected will shortly come +under this description. + + * * * + +The Russian Minister of Finance, M. BARK, paid a visit to this country +last week, and it is rumoured that he had an interview with another +financial magnate, Mr. BEIT, with a view to forming an ideal +combination. + + * * * + +Says an advertisement of the Blue Cross Fund:--"All horses cared for. +Nationality not considered." This must save the Fund's interpreters a +good deal of trouble. + + * * * + +The Corporation of the City of London reports that diminished lighting, +so far from increasing the dangers of the City streets, has reduced +them, the accidents during the past quarter being only 331 as compared +with 375 a year ago. However, a proposal that the lights shall now be +entirely extinguished with a view to reducing the casualties to _nil_ +has not yet been adopted. + + * * * + +A gentleman has written to _The Globe_ to complain that at Charing Cross +Station there are signs printed in German indicating the whereabouts of +the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. We certainly think that, while we +are at war, these ought, so as to confuse the enemy, to point in wrong +directions. + + * * * + +Germany is now suffering from extreme cold, and the advice to German +housewives to cook potatoes in their jackets is presumably a measure of +humanity. + + * * * + +To Mr. WATT'S enquiry in the House as to how many German submarines had +been destroyed, Mr. CHURCHILL replied, "The German Government has made +no return." Let us hope that this is true also of a good few of the +submarines. + + * * * + +_Der Tag_, it is announced, is to be withdrawn from the Coliseum. They +could do with it, we believe, in Germany. + + * * * + +Theatrical folk will be interested to hear that in the Eastern Theatre +of War there has been furious fighting for the passes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Turk._ "I SAY, YOU FELLOWS! DO YOU SEE THE OTHER ALLIES +ARE POOLING THEIR FUNDS? CAPITAL IDEA!"] + + * * * * * + + "The power of Great Britain and her Allies was increasing daily + in strength, whereas the power of her enemies was distinctly on + the wane. The existing situation had been brought about without + the vest resources of the Empire having yet been called in to + play."--_Daily Mail._ + +Are we to understand, that, so far, we have only called out the socks +and body-belts? + + * * * * * + + "There is but one survival among the historic shows of the + [Crystal] Palace--a portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking + one another 'What next?' + + A meeting of the directors of the Crystal Palace Football Club + is to be summoned to decide on a course of action." + _The Evening News._ + +Without wishing to be needlessly offensive to either of these bodies, we +venture to suggest that they should combine their deliberations. + + * * * * * + + "If ... England and France keep the police of the sea with the + utmost vigilance, so that no copper at all can reach Germany and + Austria, the fate of both Empires seems certain."--_Times._ + +The land police must be guarded even more vigorously if "no copper at +all" is to slip over. + + * * * * * + + THE GODS OF GERMANY. + + [A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his + country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be + permitted to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious + life of Germany."] + + Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends! + From East and West the heretic comes swooping, + But all in vain his impious strength he spends + If you refuse to let him catch you stooping; + All goes serenely up to date; + Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)! + + Deutschland--that beacon in the general night-- + Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in, + Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right, + Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin; + O let us, in this wicked war, + Stick tight to Odin and to Thor! + + Over our race these gods renew their reign; + For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing; + Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane + Attest the force of your religious feeling; + Not Thor's own hammer could have made + A better job of this crusade. + + In such a cause all ye that lose your breath + Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla; + And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death, + The fresh young houri promised you by Allah; + Between the two--that chance and this-- + Your Heaven should be hard to miss. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + + THE PASSPORT. + +"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?" + +"Your nose?" she said. + +"Yes," I said, "my nose." + +"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?" + +"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. It is Sir +EDWARD GREY, the--ahem--Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. In the +midst of all his tremendous duties he still has time to ask me to tell +him what my nose is like." + +"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney Hatch. Will +somebody tell me what this man is talking about?" + +"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is no mystery about +it." + +"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see it with the +naked eye." + +"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to go to France. +Therefore I may want a passport. I am now filling in an application for +it, and I find to my regret that I have got to give details of my +personal appearance, including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all +you can do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? Is it even +wifely?" + +"But why can't you describe it yourself?" + +"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know about his own nose? He +only sees it full-face for a few minutes every morning when he's shaving +or parting his hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile +the dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his best to +forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, I haven't the +vaguest notion what my nose is really like." + +"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down as a loud blower +and a hearty sneezer." + +"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir EDWARD GREY. He doesn't +want to know what it sounds like, but what it looks like." + +"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?" + +"Ye--es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean delicate----" + +"I don't," she said. + +"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome." + +"It isn't," she said. + +"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' do? Aren't some +noses called aquiline?" + +"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. Try again." + +"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me that my nose is +turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do not want to have a turned-up +nose, and what's more I don't mean to have one, not even to please the +British Foreign Office and all its permanent officials." + +"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a Roman nose." + +"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I dipped my pen and +prepared to write the word down in the blank space on the application +form. + +"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. Now that I look at you +again I'm not sure that yours is a Roman nose." + +"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting things. It must, +it shall be Roman." + +"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?" + +"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half so Roman as mine. +It is the noblest Roman of them all." + +"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass it as Roman." + +"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'" + +"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else." + +"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?" + +"Green," said Francesca. + +"No, grey." + +"Green." + +"Grey." + +"Let's compromise on grey-green." + +"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir EDWARD GREY will appreciate +that. Oh, bother! I've written it in the space devoted to 'hair.' +However it's easy to----" + +"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. I've often +wondered what I ought to say about your hair, and now I know. Oh, my +grey-green-and-gentle-haired one!" + +"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what about my eyes?" + +"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's done." + +"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. Now I know what it +is to have a real helper. Complexion next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good +word for complexion?" + +"Yes, for some." + +"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've noticed that people +who fill up blank spaces always use the word 'normal' at least once. I +shall call my complexion normal and get it over." + +After this there was no further difficulty. I took the remaining blank +spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes the application form was +filled up. Having then secured a clergyman who consented to guarantee my +personal respectability and having attached two photographs of myself I +packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have not yet had any +special acknowledgment from Sir EDWARD GREY, but I take this opportunity +to warn the French authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a +non-Roman nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and a normal +complexion may be seeking admission to their country. + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER. + +TEUTON TROUBADOUR (_serenading the fair Columbia_). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN +TO MY LOVE-SONGS, I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bright Youth._ "YES, I'M THINKIN' OF GETTIN' A +COMMISSION IN SOMETHING. WHAT ABOUT JOININ' THAT CROWD WITH THE JOLLY +LITTLE RED TABS ON THEIR COLLARS? THEY LOOK SO DOOCID SMART."] + + * * * * * + + THE WATCH DOGS. + + XII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--It must be upwards of a month since you heard from me; +I trust you have had sleepless nights in consequence. To be honest, I am +still in England, prepared to go out at a moment's notice, sworn to go, +medically approved, equipped and trained to go, but (my one weakness) +never in fact going. War, of course, is not open to any member of the +public who cares to turn up on the field and proffer his entrance-money; +it is an invitation show, and we have not yet received our cards. + +Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon is an intensely personal affair, and +who interested himself in it from the purely private motives of the +patriot, in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, or in the wicked +caprice of the law-abiding civilian lusting to travel abroad without a +ticket, go shooting without a licence and dabble in manslaughter without +the subsequent expense of briefing counsel,--poor old Tolley sees a +personal slight in this, and is quite sure that K. has a down on all of +us and on himself in particular. He has no difficulty in conceiving of +the Olympians at the War Office spending five working days and the +Saturday half-day in deciding what they shall do about US; writing round +to our acquaintances for our references: "Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober +and willing, punctual in his habits, clean in his appearance, an early +riser and a good plain warrior?" and receiving under confidential cover +unfavourable answers; and at night in his dreams he sees the SECRETARY +FOR WAR pondering over our regimental photo and telling himself that +there are some likely-looking fellows in the front row, but you never +know what they have got hidden away in the middle; counting up the heads +and murmuring, as he wonders when he shall send us out, "This year, next +year, some time--never." + +But you, Charles, must be patient with us, supporting us with your good +will and opinion, and replying to all who remark upon the progress of +the Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its way, but you wait till +Henry gets out and then you'll see _some_ war." + +Meanwhile the soldier's life continues with us very much after the +manner of the schoolboy's. We all pretend to ourselves that we are now +on terms of complete mutual understanding with the C.O. and the +Adjutant, but none the less we all study their expressions with great +care before we declare ourselves at breakfast. There are times for +jesting and there are times for not jesting; it goes by seasons, fair +and stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's face is a barometer. In my +wilder and more dangerous moods I have felt tempted to tap it and see if +I couldn't effect an atmospheric change. (In the name of goodness, I +adjure you, Charles, not to leave this letter lying about; if it gets +into print I shall lose all my half-holidays for the next three years or +the duration of the War.) + +The other morning I was come for, that is to say I was proceeding +comfortably with my breakfast at 7.55, when I was touched on the +shoulder and told that the C.O. would be glad to see me (or rather, +_would_ see me) at orderly room at eight, a thing which, by the grace of +Heaven and the continual exercise of low cunning on my part, has never +happened to me before. At least they might have told me what I had done, +thought I, as I ran to my fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, and +improvising a line of defence applicable to any crime. Believe me, the +dock is a haven of rest and security compared with orderly, or ordeal, +room. + +When my turn came I advanced to the table of inquisition, came smartly +to attention, saluted, cleared my throat and said, "Sir!" (The +correctness of this account is not guaranteed by any bureau.) I then +cleared my throat again and said, "Sir, it was like this." The C.O. +looked slightly nonplussed; the Adjutant, who in all his long experience +of crime had never before seen the accused open his mouth, began to open +his own. So I pushed on with it. "My defence is this: in the first place +I did not do it. I wasn't there at the time, and if I had been I +shouldn't have done it. In the second place I did it inadvertently. In +the third place it was not a wrong thing to do; and in the fourth place +I am prepared to make the most ample apology, to have the same inserted +in three newspapers, and to promise never to do it again." + +Orderly room was by now thoroughly restive. "If you take a serious view +of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me now and have done with it. Do not +keep me waiting till dawn, for I am always at my worst and most +irritable before breakfast." + +When I paused for breath they took the opportunity to inform me, rather +curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for in order to be appointed to +look after the rations and billets of a party of sixteen officers +proceeding to a distance that same day, and I was to dispose +accordingly. "If I had known that was all," I said to myself, "I'd have +had my second piece of toast while it was still lukewarm." I then +withdrew, by request. I found upon enquiry of the Sergeant-Major, who +knows all things, that the party was to travel by circuitous routes and +arrive at 7.5 P.M., whereas I, travelling _via_ London, might arrive at +5 P.M., and so have two odd hours to prepare a home and food for them. +So into the train I got, and there of all people struck the C.O. +himself, proceeding townwards on duty. In the course of the journey I +made it clear to him that, if his boots required licking, I was the man +for the job. + +He smiled indulgently. "Referring to that second piece of toast," he +began. + +I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, it is nothing," said I. + +"When we arrive in London," he said, "you will lunch with me." I +protested that the honour was enormous, but I was to arrive in London at +1.30 and must needs proceed at 1.50. + +"You will lunch with me," he pursued, adding significantly as I still +protested, "at the Savoy." + +After further argument, "It is the soldier's duty to obey," I said, and +we enquired at St. Pancras as to later trains. The conclusion of the +matter was that by exerting duress upon my taxidriver I just caught the +4.17, which got me to ---- at 7.15, ten minutes after the hungry and +houseless sixteen. + +You don't think this is particularly funny; well, no more did the +sixteen. But it was a very, very happy luncheon. Remember that we have +subsisted on ration beef and ration everything else for some months, and +you will believe me when I tell you that, upon seeing a menu in French +(our dear allies!), opening with _creme_ and concluding with _Jacques_, +we told the waiter to remove the programme and give us the foodstuffs. +"Start at the beginning," said the C.O., "and keep on at it till you +reach the end. Then stop." + +"Stop, Sir?" I asked. + +"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all over again" ... and so when we got +to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, "Sir, if I may, your very +good health," meaning thereby that I forgave him not only all the harsh +things he has said to me in the past, but even all the harsher things he +proposes to say to me in the future. + +From the monotony of training we have only occasional relief in the +actual, as for instance when we are kept out of bed all night, Zepping. +But this is a poor game, Charles; there is not nearly enough sport in it +to satisfy the desires of a company of enthusiasts, armed with a rifle +and a hundred rounds of ball ammunition apiece. We feel that the officer +of the day, who inspects the shooting party at 9.30 P.M. and then sends +it off about its business, is trifling with tragic matter when he tells +us: "Now, remember; no hens!" + Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD. + +_The Shirker._ "NICE BIRD! SAY 'POLLY SCRATCH A POLL!'" + +_The Bird._ "JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN!"] + + * * * * * + + "The battle that has been raging for several months has now + ended in a distinct triumph for the high-necked corsage." + _Tatler._ + +Good. Now we can devote our attention to the other war on the Continent. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Wit_ (_to victim of ill-timed revelry_). +"WOTCHER, WILLIAM? HOW WAS JOFFER WHEN YOU LEFT?"] + + * * * * * + + OXFORD IN WAR TIME. + + Who that beheld her robed in May + Could guess the change that six months later + Has brought such wondrous disarray + Upon his _alma mater?_ + + Distracted by a world-wide strife, + The calm routine of study ceases; + And Oxford's academic life + Is broken all to pieces. + + No more the intellectual youth + Feeds on perpetual paradoxes; + No longer in the quest of truth + The mental compass boxes. + + Gone are the old luxurious days + When, always craving something subtler, + To BERGSON'S metaphysic maze + He turned from SAMUEL BUTLER. + + Linked by the brotherhood of arms + All jarring coteries are blended; + Mere cleverness no longer charms; + The cult of Blues is ended. + + The boats are of their crews bereft; + The parks are given up to training; + The scanty hundreds who are left + All at the leash are straining. + + And grave professors, making light + Of all the load of _anno domini_, + Devote the day to drill, the night + To CLAUSEWITZ and JOMINI. + + While those who feel too old to fight + Full nobly with the pen are serving + To weld conflicting views of right + In one resolve unswerving. + + No more can essayists inveigh + Against the youth of Oxford, slighting + Her "young barbarians all at play," + When nine in ten are fighting, + + And some, the goodliest and the best, + Beloved of comrades and commanders, + Have passed untimely to their rest + Upon the plains of FLANDERS. + + No; when two thousand of her sons + Are mustered under Freedom's banner, + None can declaim--except the Huns-- + Against the Oxford manner. + + For lo! amid her spires and streams, + The lure of cloistered ease forsaking, + The dreamer, noble in her dreams, + Is nobler in her waking. + + * * * * * + + "Lest we forget." + +In these days, when we have to be thankful that our country has not, +like Belgium and France, been overrun by savages, the greater mercies we +receive are apt to obscure the less. But Swansea does not forget the +smaller mercies. According to a recent issue of _The South Wales Daily +Post_, "The Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the second time to St. +Nicholas' Church, Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday evening next, at +6.30, when the directors, committee and the two full teams have promised +to attend the service, that, in the words of the Rev. PERCY WESTON, will +be in the nature of a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune +against Newcastle United"." + +Our compliments to the Rev. PERCY WESTON, pastor of this pious and +patriot flock. + + * * * * * + + WHAT I DEDUCED. + + BY A GERMAN GOVERNESS. + + [Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, having as large a sale + in Germany as _What I Found Out_, by an English Governess, is + having in this country.] + +I shall never forget my arrival at the house of my new employers. Into +the circumstances which forced me to earn my living as a governess in a +strange country I need not now go. Sufficient that I had obtained a +situation in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an Englishman of high +position living in one of the most fashionable suburbs of London. "Chez +Nous," The Grove, Cricklewood, was the address of my new home, and +thither on that memorable afternoon I wended my way. + +"The master and mistress are out," said the maid. "Perhaps you would +like to go straight to the nursery and see the children?" + +"Thank you," I said, and followed her upstairs. Little did I imagine the +amazing scene which was to follow! + +In the nursery my two little charges were playing with soldiers; a tall +and apparently young man was lying on the floor beside them. At my +entrance he scrambled to his feet. + +"Stop the battle a moment," he said, "while we interrogate the invader." + +"I am Fraeulein Schmidt," I introduced myself, "the new governess." + +"And I," he said with a bow, "am Lord Kitchener. You have arrived just +in time. Another five minutes and I should have wiped out the German +army." + +"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you wouldn't," shouted one of the boys. + +It was Lord Kitchener! He had shaved off his heavy moustache, and by so +doing had given himself a deceptive appearance of youth, but there could +be no doubt about his identity. Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great +English War Lord! In the light of after-events, how instructive was this +first meeting! + +"What is the game?" I asked, hiding my feelings under a smile. "England +against Germany?" + +"England and Scotland and Ireland and Australia and a few others. We +have ransacked the nursery and raked them all in." + +So even at this time England had conceived the perfidious idea of +forcing her colonies to fight for her! + +"And some Indian soldiers?" I asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid +Bengal Lancers. It struck me even then as very significant; and it is +now seen to be proof that for years previously England had been plotting +an invasion of the Fatherland with a swarm of black mercenaries. + +Lord Kitchener evidently saw what was in my mind, and immediately +exerted all his well-known charm to efface the impression he had +created. + +"You mustn't think," he said with a smile, "that the policy of the +Cabinet is in any way affected by what goes on at 'Chez Nous.' Although +Sir Edward Grey and I----" + +He broke off suddenly, and, in the light of what has happened since, +very suspiciously. + +"Have you had any tea?" he asked. His relations with the notorious Grey +were evidently not to be disclosed. + + * * * + +I met Lord Kitchener on one other occasion, but it is only since England +forced this war upon Europe that I have seen that second meeting in its +proper light. + +I had been out shopping, and when I came back I found him in the garden +playing with the children. We talked for a little on unimportant +matters, and then I saw his eye wandering from me to the drawing-room. A +soldier had just stepped through the open windows on to the lawn. + +"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny." + +As the latter came up Lord Kitchener smacked him warmly on the back. + +"Well," he said, "my martial friend, how many Germans have you killed?" +Then seeing that his friend appeared a little awkward he introduced him +to me. "Fraeulein Schmidt, this is one of our most famous warriors--Sir +John French." + +I could see that Sir John French was taken aback. He had evidently come +down to discuss secretly the plan of campaign against a defenceless and +utterly surprised Germany, which their friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, +was to put in motion--and forthwith a German governess had been let into +the secret! No wonder he was annoyed! "You silly ass," he muttered, and +became very red and confused. + +Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed. + +"It's all right," he said; "Fraeulein Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk +quite freely in front of her." + +It was the typical British attitude of contempt for the possible enemy. +But General French showed all that stubborn caution which was afterwards +to mark his handling of the British mercenaries, and which is about to +cost him so dearly. + +"Don't be a fool, Horace," he mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable +silence. + + * * * + +Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived with them, was a most interesting old +lady. She seemed to be in the secrets of all the Royal Family and other +highly placed personages, and told me many interesting things about +them. "Ah, my dear," she would say, "they tell us in the papers that +King George is shooting at Windsor, but----" and then she would nod her +head mysteriously. "He's a _working_ king," she went on after a little. +"He doesn't waste his time on _sport_." In the light of after-events it +is probable that she was right; and that when His Majesty George the +Fifth was supposed to be at Windsor he was in reality in Belgium, +looking out for sites for the notorious British siege-guns which have +murdered so many of our brave soldiers. + +In this connection I must relate one extraordinary incident. Young Mrs. +Brigsworth had an album of celebrated people in the British political +and social world. She was herself distantly connected, she told me, +through her mother's people, with several well-known Society families, +and it interested her to collect these photographs and paste them into a +book. One day she was showing me her album, and I noticed that, on +coming to a certain page, she turned hurriedly over, and began +explaining a group on the next page very volubly. + +"What was that last one?" I asked. "Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?" + +"Oh, that was nothing," she said quickly. "I didn't know I had that one; +I must throw it away." + +However, she had not been quick enough. I had seen the photograph; and +events which have happened since have made it one of extraordinary +significance. + +It was a photograph of the First Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in +bathing costume! + +As soon as I was left alone I turned to the photograph. "The First Lord +amuses himself on his holiday" were the words beneath it. "Amuses +himself!" Can there be any doubt in the mind of an impartial German that +even then England had decided to violate the neutrality of Belgium, and +that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, examining the possibilities +of Ostend as a base for submarines? + +No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had hurriedly turned over the page! + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + + "When the war was declared, 25,000 Bedouins were recruited in + Hebrun, but they were without food for three days and returned + to their homes saying this was not a Holy War."--_Peshawar Daily + News_. + +Their actual words were: "This is a----" well, _not_ a Holy War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Art Patron (to R.A.)._ "WE'VE LOST SO MUCH SINCE THE WAR +THAT WE'VE COME TO ASK IF YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO KEEP THIS PORTRAIT OF MY +WIFE AS CLEOPATRA."] + + * * * * * + + CHALK AND FLINT. + + Comes there now a mighty rally + From the weald and from the coast, + Down from cliff and up from valley, + Spirits of an ancient host; + Castle grey and village mellow, + Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold, + Crumbling church and cracked martello + Echo to this chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old!_ + + Screaming gull and lark a-singing, + Bubbling brook and booming sea, + Church and cattle bells a-ringing + Swell the ghostly melody; + "Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye, + Mingling with our dust below! + Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye + This our chant of long ago!" + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the days of long ago!_ + + Hills that heed not Time or weather, + Sussex down and Kentish lane, + Roads that wind through marsh and heather + Feel the mail-shod feet again; + Chalk and flint their dead are giving-- + Spectres grim and spectres bold-- + Marching on to cheer the living + With their battle-chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Witness Norman! Witness Roman! + Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old._ + + * * * * * + + "WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?" + +Those who wish to give practical expression to the approval of the +scheme for raising Military Bands to encourage recruiting--the subject +of one of _Mr. Punch's_ cartoons of last week--are earnestly invited to +send contributions to the LORD MAYOR at the Mansion House. Further +information may be obtained at the offices of "Recruiting Bands," 16, +Regent Street, S.W. + + * * * * * + +From a schoolboy's essay on the War:-- + + "When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces." + +This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of the official +War-bread. + + * * * * * + +Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:-- + + "Alas! what boots it with incessant care + To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?" + _Milton: "Lycidas."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_as his father exhibits his new Volunteer +uniform_). "WELL! MOTHER--I SAY! THIS BRINGS WAR HOME TO US, DOESN'T +IT?"] + + * * * * * + + OUR PERSONAL COLUMN. + +Many of the other papers have a Personal Column. Why should not _Mr. +Punch_ have one? + +He shall. + + * * * + +MLLE. FORGETMENOT bien arrivee a Londres le 14 Fevrier. Ou est M. +Valentin? + + * * * + +K.--Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly brke. Try yr uncl.--M. + + * * * + +JEHOSHAPHAT.--Will all Jehoshaphats combine to send bridge tables to the +Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, limited to L10 each, should +be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., 25, Sun Row, Chelsea. + + * * * + +FLORENCE.--I was there and waited from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do +this often as I have tendency to pneumonia. + + * * * + +WILL anyone lend young man L500 on note of hand alone to enable him to +procure clothes in which to present himself at recruiting office? +Nothing but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps him from enlisting.--Box +41, Office of this paper. + + * * * + +FOUND in neighbourhood of the Adelphi.--An Iron Cross, evidently awarded +by the KAISER. Initials upon it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously +invited to apply for it in person.--E. G., Foreign Office. + + * * * + +SHIRTS for our troops at the Front are still urgently needed. Please +send needles, cotton and material to Sister Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, +W.C. All persons desiring to sing about her activities should note that +the song is not published by Brothers Boosey but by another firm. + + * * * + +LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, between Acton and Blackheath, a +one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.--Anyone returning the same to +X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive 1/- reward and no questions +asked. + + * * * + +SMITH.--Will everyone named Smith at once send a sovereign to John +Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? Patriotic purpose to which money will +be put will be explained later. + + * * * + +WIFE of popular actor now serving in France would much appreciate the +loan of a London house, with servants and motor car thrown in.--Box 81, +Office of this paper. + + * * * + +A.B.C.--Please make no further effort to meet me. The depth of my +loathing for you can never be expressed in words, at least not in this +column.--J. + + * * * + +POLLIES.--Will all the Pollies of England kindly help a poor Polly to +continue her lessons in voice production.--Write POLLY, 2, Birdcage +Walk. + + * * * + +TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters contain good vivid accounts of +picturesque occurrences at the Front. _The Daily Inexactitude_ places no +limit on the writer's imagination. + + * * * + +YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust health, who has failed in everything +he has yet undertaken and does not approve of warfare, would like +situation as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to wealthy absentee +landowner.--Apply Box 29, Office of this paper. + + * * * * * + + The _Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger_, speaking of the four Turks who + succeeded in crossing the Suez Canal and who have since been + taken prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the four gallant + Turkish swimmers will now do good work in Egypt." + +We have no doubt that work will be found for them and that the prison +authorities will shield them from the dangers of a life of indulgent +idleness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SOUND AND FURY." + +KAISER. "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?" + +ADMIRAL VON TIRPITZ. "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE." + +KAISER. "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, 8th February._--Debate on Army Estimates +prefaced by statement from PRIME MINISTER casting gleam of lurid light +on a War of which this is the 190th day. Answering a question he said +the total number of British Army casualties in the Western area of the +War is approximately 104,000 of all ranks. This, of course, does not +include the death-roll in the Navy, a heavy tale of losses due far more +to mine and submarine than to fair fights on the open sea. But standing +alone it is not much less than one-half of the number of men, including +Militia, voted in the Waterloo year now dead a century. Numerically a +trifle compared with the huge gaps made in ranks of the enemy. +Nevertheless it represents sufficiently appalling sacrifice, chargeable +to the account of one man's whim. + +[Illustration: "EXCEEDING THE WILDEST DREAMS OF MARLBOROUGH OR +WELLINGTON."] + +Army Estimates for year, introduced by TENNANT in a speech equally lucid +and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary aspect. With an Army on +active service and in training exceeding in number the wildest dreams of +MARLBOROUGH or WELLINGTON, the aggregate sum asked for is L15,000. Seems +odd since, as UNDER SECRETARY FOR WAR in interesting aside stated, the +Army costs more in a week than the total estimate for the Waterloo +campaign, which stands on record at the modest sum of L6,721,880. + +This only a little official joke designed partly to relieve tension of +critical times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of enemy. Idea of Germany +cherished at War Office is that she is a sort of innocent Little Red +Riding Hood whose legitimate curiosity may be evaded either by +withholding information or mystifying it by administration of small +doses dealt out at safe intervals of time. Hence the Press Bureau, which +to-night came in for rough handling from both sides of House. + +[Illustration: "IDEA OF GERMANY CHERISHED AT WAR OFFICE IS THAT SHE IS A +SORT OF INNOCENT LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD."] + +If usual detailed account of expenditure on Army were set forth, the +German General Staff would know exactly what was in front of them in +respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible little army" which seven +months ago embarked upon a crusade more self-sacrificing, more glorious +than any recorded in the story of Britain. Failing that, they naturally +know nothing and will go on blundering in the dark. + +Accordingly Votes submitted to-night were what the Treasury calls +"token" estimates, each thousand pounds of the fifteen representing +untold millions to be expended on various services of the War. On this +understanding, Committee, practically without debate, amidst stern but +quietly expressed determination to go on to the end at whatever cost, +voted an establishment of three million men. + +_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday._--For first time since reassembling House sat up to closing +hour, 11 o'clock. Discussion of Army Estimates resumed. Committee has +advantage of WALTER LONG'S lead of Opposition. Shrewd, tactful, +conciliatory. Among miscellaneous Questions coming up was condition of +some of the huts contracted for by War Office. WALTER LONG associated +himself with sharp criticism offered from various quarters. + +The MEMBER FOR SARK regrets that engagement out of town prevented his +taking part in the discussion. + +"I happen to know something at first hand about the matter," he says. "I +spend my week-ends in a district which, lying on direct route for the +Front, swarms with detachments of recruits in training. In the late +autumn, huts were built for their accommodation. Quite nice comfortable +things to look at. Some stand on desirable sites overlooking land and +sea. + +"All very well as long as autumn weather lasted. But the winter told +another tale. Season exceptionally wet. Sinful rottenness of these +so-called habitations speedily discovered. Rain poured through the roofs +as if they were made of brown paper. Nor was that all, though our poor +fellows found it sufficient. When wind blew with any force it carried +the rain through the walls of the huts, formed of thin laths, in some +cases overlapping each other by not more than a quarter of an inch. +Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, the men dressing for morning +parade found their khaki uniforms and underclothing soaking wet. After +this had been stood for a week or ten days, the huts were condemned and +the recruits billeted upon inhabitants of neighbouring town. + +"This not mere gossip, you understand. Circumstances simply related to +me by the men themselves, some interrupting narrative with fits of +coughing inevitable result of nightly experience. Nor were they +complaining. Just mentioned the matter as presumably unavoidable episode +in preliminary stage of career of men giving up all and risking their +lives to save their country. + +"What I want to know is, What has been done in particular cases such +as this that must have come under notice of War Office? Have the +contractors got clear away without punishment, or have they been made +to disgorge? FINANCIAL SECRETARY TO WAR OFFICE stated in course of +debate that average cost of these encampments amounted to L13 per +man. In cases where huts are condemned, is the sorely-burdened but +cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding the money all over again, or is +the peccant contractor made to stump up?" + +_Business done._--Still harping on Army Estimates. + +_House of Lords, Thursday._--Death of Lord LONDONDERRY, buried to-day +near his English home, Wynyard Park, universally regretted. A strong +Party man, he had no personal enemies in the Opposition ranks, whether +in Lords or Commons. Unlike some distinguished Peers, notably Lord +ROSEBERY, he enjoyed advantage, inestimable in public life, of serving +an apprenticeship in the House of Commons, where he sat six years for +the Irish constituency which his famous forebear represented in the +Irish Parliament. He was born into politics. His earliest conviction, +thorough as were all he entertained, was one of distrust for DON JOSE, +who at the time when he sat in the House of Commons was carrying through +the country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised Programme. + +This feeling later replaced by dislike of GLADSTONE, who in the year +after Lord CASTLEREAGH, at the age of thirty-two, succeeded to the +Marquisate, brought in his Home Rule Bill. + +That was the turning point in LONDONDERRY's public life. Hitherto he had +toyed with politics as part of the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat. +Thenceforward he devoted himself heart and soul to withstanding the +advance of Home Rule, which he lived long enough to see enacted, Death +sparing him the pang of living under its administration. + +In his devotion to the fighting line rallied against Home Rule he was +encouraged and sustained by a power behind the domestic throne perhaps, +as has happened in historical cases, more dominant than its occupant. +_Cherchez la femme._ Londonderry House became the spring and centre of +an influence that had considerable effect upon political events during +more than a quarter of a century. + +LONDONDERRY's cheery presence will be missed in the Lords. His memory +will be cherished as that of one who fought stoutly for causes sacred to +a large majority of his peers. + +_Business done._--PREMIER made promised statement on subject of food +prices. Debate following was adjourned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +1. "ACH! HIMMEL!--A SHELL!" + +2. !!! + +3. "GREAT KRUPPS!--WHAT IS IT?"] + + * * * * * + + A Flower of Speech. + + "Mr. Asquith stated in the House of Commons this afternoon that + the Government were considering taking more stringent measures + against German trade as a consequence of the latter's fragrant + breach of the rules of war."--_Star._ + +Fragrant is the parliamentary way of putting it. + + * * * + "German Togoland, whose aspirations towards nationality have + been again aroused by the recent promises of the Czar, is + destined to be for us part of a new European state under the + protection of Russia." + _Leader_ (_B. E. Africa_). + +The fate of German Pololand in Africa will be decided in our next. + + * * * + "Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost of doing these works. + + Surveyor--I cannot say vbgkqis shr me." + _Wicklow Newsletter._ + +Neither can we, but we should never have thought of mentioning it to Mr. +MURPHY at this juncture. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chorus from the trench._ "WHAT 'AVE YOU GOT THERE, TOM?" + +_Tom_ (_bringing in huge Uhlan_). "SOUVENIR."] + + * * * * * + + A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA. + + V. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Our Battalion has gone. It has called back to the +ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. Even as I write it is racing +through the darkness across the Indian plains to its new station. I can +almost hear the grinding thunder of the wheels; the thud of men sleeping +on the seats as they roll off and crash upon men sleeping on the floors; +the pungent oaths mingling with the shriek of the engine whistle ... and +I am left behind in the Divisional Staff Office and attached to another +Territorial unit just arrived from England. Woe is me! + +I paid a last visit to the barracks to see my comrades before they left. +They were well and cheerful, but all suffering from a singular delusion. +When I expressed regret that I was not accompanying them owing to the +fact that my services could not be spared from the Office, they all +assured me with perfect gravity that this was not the real explanation +of my being left behind. While I have been plying the pen, they, it +appears, have reached such a state of military proficiency that to +re-introduce me into the ranks at this stage would have had a most +disintegrating effect upon the _moral_ of the entire Battalion. + +It was hard on me, they were prepared to admit, but efficiency must come +first. When, very shortly, they march down _Unter den Linden_ I must +surely recognise how very disastrous it would be for me to be there with +my rifle at an unprofessional slope. It would be so noticeable in the +pictures afterwards. + +They were all full of kindly commiseration about my future. They, of +course, will presently be leaving for the Front. England will ring from +end to end with the story of their prowess. In six weeks they will have +beaten the Germans to a standstill. Then--best of all--they will return +home, covered with glory and medals, to be received with frantic +demonstrations of joy, affection and adulation. + +Several years later, I gather, I may (if exceptionally lucky) return to +England unhonoured and unsung, with indelible inkstains on my fingers +and three vaccination marks on my left forearm as my only mementoes of +the Great War. On the other hand, having got fairly into the grip of the +Indian Government, it is quite likely that I shall end my days here. + +Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, one of them generously promised +to present me with a few Iron Crosses which he anticipates collecting on +the battlefield. But this gift, he was at pains to point out, was +contingent upon the very improbable circumstance of my surviving plague, +dysentery, enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite and other perils +of a prolonged sojourn in India. + +In the immediate future I can unfortunately see for myself that my +prospects are of the gloomiest. When I mildly suggested to my Colour +Sergeant that he should send me my pay by post each week from the new +station, he stared at me fixedly and reminded me with unnecessary and +offensive emphasis that I was now attached to another regiment, and that +he had finally and thankfully washed his hands of all responsibility +concerning me. When I sought out my new Colour, he informed me even more +emphatically that I was merely attached to his company for disciplinary +purposes and that it was blooming well useless for me to look to him for +pay. So there I am. + +It is the same with rations. None were sent for me this morning. It is +tolerably certain that none will be sent to-morrow. + +Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing end to a promising career, +won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if Lord KITCHENER knew the facts of the +case he would do something about it. Perhaps you could approach him on +the matter. Still, I have read somewhere that life can be supported on +four bananas a day. I can get eight bananas for an anna here, and I have +Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my money belt. I leave you to work it +out. + +I remember now that a wandering Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at +Christmas that I should live to be 107. That was one of his best points. +He also told me that I should be married three times and have eleven +children; that I had a kind heart; that a short dark lady was interested +in my career; that the KAISER would be dethroned next June; and that +fortune-telling was a precarious means of livelihood and its professors +were largely dependent upon the generosity of wealthy _sahibs_ such as +myself. Wealthy! + +But he was a true prophet in one particular. He foretold that I should +shortly be unhappy on account of a parting. + +Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to say good-bye to all my friends; it +is not cheering to reflect now that they are a thousand miles away, amid +fresh and fascinating scenes, about to undergo novel and wonderful +experiences from which I am debarred. But there is one lesson which the +Army teaches very efficiently--that, whatever one's personal feelings, +orders have to be obeyed without question. + +And I suppose they also serve who only sit and refer correspondents to +obscure sub-sections and appendices of Army Regulations, India. + Yours ever, + ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS. + +BRITANNIA STILL SITTING ON THE COPPER.] + + * * * * * + + THE COLLECTOR. + +Once upon a time there was an Old Gentleman who lived in a Very +Comfortable Way; and some of his Neighbours said he was Rich and others +that, at any rate, he was Well Off, and others again that at least he +had Considerable Private Means. And when the Great War broke out it was +clear that he was much too Old to fight, and he wasn't able to speak at +Recruiting Meetings on account of an Impediment in his Speech, and he +had no Soldiers billeted upon him, because there were no Soldiers there, +and he could not take in Belgian Refugees because he lived on the East +Coast--so he just read the Papers and pottered about the Garden as he +used to do before. + +But after a time it was noticed that he began to "draw in," as his +Neighbours said. First he gave up his Motor, and when his Gardener +enlisted he didn't get Another; and he never had a Fire in his Bedroom. +And his Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded that he had been Hard +Hit by the War. But None of them knew how. + +Then he began to travel Third Class and gave up Smoking Cigars. And they +thought he was waiting till the Stock Exchange opened. + +Then they noticed that he got no new Clothes and his old ones were not +so smart as they used to be. And as the Stock Exchange was open by now +they began to believe that he must have become a Miser and was getting +meaner as he got older. And they all said it was a Pity. But he went on +reading the Papers and pottering round the Garden much as before. + +And the Tradespeople found that the Books were not so big as they used +to be, and they began to say that it was a Pity when people who had +Money didn't know how to spend it. + +But the Truth is that they were all wrong; he was a Collector. That was +how the Money went. + +He never told anyone about his Collection, but he kept it in the Top +Drawer of his Desk till it got too big and overflowed into the Second +Drawer, and then into the Third, and so on. + +He was quite determined that his Collection should be complete and +should contain Every Sound Specimen--that was partly why he kept reading +the Papers. But he didn't mind having Duplicates as long as they had +Different Dates. There was one Specimen of which he got a Duplicate +every Week. + +One of his Rules was never to allow any Specimen into his Collection +unless it had a Stamp on it. + +It was quite a New Sort of Collection. It was made up of Receipts from +the People who were running All The Different War Funds. + + * * * * * + + THE SOLDIER'S COAT. + +After his ample dinner, William sank into the big chair before the fire, +and with a book on his knee became lost in thought. + +He woke half-an-hour later to observe that Margaret was knitting. + +"It's sheer waste of time," he told her, "to make anything of wool that +colour." + +"Is it?" she asked sweetly. + +"If there's no more khaki or brown wool left in the shops, you should +make something of flannel. Any self-respecting soldier would rather be +frost-bitten to death a dozen times than wear a garment of pink wool." + +"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, smiling. + +"Besides, you really ought to stick to the beaten track--belts, mufflers +and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs." + +"This is going to be a coat," she said, holding it up and surveying it +with satisfaction. + +"A coat?--that handful of pink, a coat? That feeble likeness of an +egg-cosy, a coat? A pink woollen coat for a British soldier! My poor +friend over there in the trenches, whoever you are, may Heaven help you! +And may Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this night's work!" + +"I shan't finish it to-night--it'll take days. And he'll be very proud +of it, I know." + +"Who will?" + +"The soldier-boy will. Bless his heart; he's a born fighter--anyone can +see it with half an eye. Mabel says----" + +"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? Well, what's Donald doing to allow +Mabel to take such an interest in this precious soldier-boy who is +prepared to be proud of a coat of soft pink wool? Who is the idiot?" + +"He's no idiot, and his name's Peter," said Margaret. + +"Peter! Peter what?" + +"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull yourself together, and try to realise +that you have been an uncle for at least three weeks. Donald and Mabel +are going to call him 'Peter'--didn't I tell you?" + + * * * * * + + "South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from shells and + shrapnel."--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +Just the place for our shy young sister +Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in. + + "On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, an engineer, + joined the Belgian Flying Corps, and did most useful work, being + complimented by his King for his invention of a new kind of + aircomb." + _Daily Mirror._ + +Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with a couple of spikes missing. + + * * * * * + + THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY. + + [Even the more obscure of the American papers often contain + important news of the doings of the British army many days + before the Censor allows the information to be published in + England.] + + I am told that few exploits are finer + Than a battle our Blankshires have won, + So bring me _The Michigan Miner_, + For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done; + If _The Miner_'s not easy to hit on, + Get _The Maryland Trumpet_; it treats + Of a story that's kept, to the Briton, + As dark as the Westminster streets! + + As our soldiers from north of the Border + Some vital positions have stormed, + Put _The Oregon Message_ on order + To keep me completely informed! + One moment! I've just heard a rumour + That the Germans' whole front has been cleft-- + Quick! Rush for _The Tennessee Boomer_; + Heaven grant that a copy is left! + + Each day in this keep-it-dark city, + Officials, to us, seem unkind + To censor such news without pity, + But, of course, they've an object in mind; + For a man, when his spirits touch zero + Through a natural yearning for facts, + Will enlist, and _himself_ be a hero + Where no one can censor his ACTS! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Patriot._ "AH! I SEE YOU HAVEN'T YET CHANGED THE +NAME OF YOUR EAU-DE-COLOGNE." + +_Second Patriot._ "PARDON ME, MADAM. I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF +LABELLING MY NEW SUPPLY 'COLOGNE WATER.'"] + + * * * * * + + AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM. + +O authors, remember to join your flats! + +The novel was going splendidly. I had been revelling in it. I was +sitting in one chair, with my feet in another, not far from the fire, +plunged in the story, when all of a sudden my pleasure went. + +It was in Chapter xvii., where the young doctor takes a taxi and rushes +up to the actress's flat so as to be there first, before Lord +Burlington. You must understand that the young doctor is newly in +practice and has the greatest difficulty in making both ends meet. Well, +it says that he sprang from the cab and was half-way up the stairs in a +moment. That was all right, but the point is that he stayed two hours +hunting for the missing letter. Now this is a very exciting passage, +because we know that the detective may be here any minute, and Lord +Burlington is coming too, and if either of them--well, the point is +that, owing to the author forgetting to make the young doctor pay the +taxi-man, all my pleasure went. + +I am not unduly economical, but I hate downright waste, and here was the +taximeter ticking all through the rest of that chapter and the next, and +further still. Had it been Lord Burlington's cab I should have cared +less, for he was rich; had it been the detective's I should not have +cared at all, because the driver might have gone to Scotland Yard for +his money. But the young doctor was so poor, and sooner or later he +would have to come out of the flat again, and then he would be caught +and faced with an impossible bill; and this got on my nerves. + +As I say, the story was frightfully exciting just there, but I found +myself, instead of participating in the excitement, saying, "Another +twopence"; "Twopence more"; "It must be four shillings by now," "Five +shillings," and so on. Not even when the face of the Chinaman appeared +at the window--he had climbed up the water-pipe and had a dagger in his +teeth--could I really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by now," was all I +said. + +The result was that the effect of the book was lost on me and I cared +nothing for what happened to any one. The taximeter ticked through every +subsequent page. Long after we got away from London altogether and the +young doctor was on his way to Hong Kong, racing the detective, I still +heard the taximeter ticking; just because the man had never been paid. +It ticked through the wedding bells; and it ticked through the +strangling of Lord Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, with which +the story closes. + +And that is why I say, O authors, remember to join your flats. + + * * * * * + + The Slump in Prussians. + + (SORTES VERGILIANAE.) + + "_Procumbit humi Bosch._" + + * * * * * + + AT THE PLAY. + + "SEARCHLIGHTS." + +The title was not, of course, meant to deceive, for Mr. VACHELL is an +honest man; and anyhow the critics, for that is their business, would be +swift to disillusionize the public; but in our permissible state of +suspicion, the audience might easily be led to suppose from the word +"Searchlights," combined with the early appearance of an imported Teuton +in the person of _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_, that spy-work was in the air. +But the genial domesticity of this naturalized Scot quickly disposed of +our unworthy apprehensions, and we soon learned that his _provenance_ +had no bearing upon the issue. + +That issue was concerned with a question of paternity, whose acuteness +happened to be contemporaneous with that of the present European crisis. +I say "happened"; for here again I cast no reflection upon Mr. VACHELL'S +intent, or suggest that the war-element in his play was introduced as an +afterthought into his original scheme. If it was, which I doubt, then +the patchwork was cleverly concealed; and my only complaint must be of a +certain obscurity in the relation between the two patterns in his +design. For if the title implied that the effect of the War was to throw +a searchlight into the dark places of the human heart (as distinguished +from its influence upon our City streets), I do not think that in the +case of _Robert Blaine's_ heart, if he had one, the author has made this +operation sufficiently clear. + +Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, born after five years of barren wedlock, +who was the object of her husband's profound detestation. After some +twenty years--a little late, perhaps, in the day, but the author wished +us to be present when he did it--_Robert Blaine_, at a moment when his +wife is trying to get her boy out of a tight corner, declares an +inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, and she makes confession of her +fault. Subsequently--in a "strong" scene--she recants, alleging that her +confession was a work of creative art, produced in a spasm of spite; and +everybody except the immovable _Blaine_ is vastly relieved. + +But not for long, for she presently recants her recantation. You will +guess that, though a little shaken, we were not in despair, but looked +hopefully for a re-recantation. But you are in error. Her second +confession, though no words passed her lips, was obviously final. And +what induced it? What was the piece of conviction? If you will believe +me, it was just a photograph with which her husband confronted her--an +old photograph of her lover that she mistook for her son's, so close was +the likeness. This was surely a flaw in Mr. VACHELL'S scheme, for it is +unbelievable that she should have hitherto overlooked this fatal +resemblance, even if her attention had not as a fact been called to it +by a garrulous friend at quite an early stage in the proceedings of the +play. + +[Illustration: ROBERT BLAINE EXPERIENCING HOW VERY MUCH SHARPER THAN A +SERPENT'S TOOTH IT IS TO HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE'S THANKLESS CHILD. + + _Robert Blaine_ MR. H. B. IRVING. + _Harry Blaine_ MR. REGINALD OWEN.] + +Another weakness, common enough where an author wants to show a variety +of types and excuses himself from the trouble of assorting them, was to +be seen in the extreme improbability of the friendship between _Blaine_ +and _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_. These two were always staying in one +another's houses yet there never could have been the smallest of tastes +in common between the dour and moody financier and the light-hearted +consumer of lager beer and _delikatessen_. + +But I prefer, if you please, to dwell upon the shining virtues of Mr. +VACHELL'S _Searchlights_. With the exception of an interlude or two of +needless triviality--_Lady Schmaltz's_ sobbing scene, for instance--the +essentials of the tragic theme held us grimly in their grasp. But always +we could find relief in the author's humanity, revealed not only in the +passionate devotion of the mother's heart, but in the persuasive +character of her boy, and the unaffected quality of his relations both +to her and to the girl who wanted his love. + +Mr. VACHELL would be the first to acknowledge, and generously, how much +he owes to the really remarkable performance, as _Mrs. Blaine_, of Miss +FAY DAVIS, who can never before have accomplished so high an +achievement. But the matter was there for her clever hands to shape, and +that was the author's doing. + +Mr. HARRY IRVING'S, too, was a fine performance, though, from the moment +of his entrance, a figure of sinister portent, he lacked all contrast of +light and shade. But, to be just, that was hardly in the part, as +made--deliberately, so it seemed--for those particular methods of which +he is the master. + +As for Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, if all Teutons, naturalized or other, were like +his _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_ (or _Sir Keith Howard_, as he called himself +after the War began, on the principle that the best was good enough for +him) I should have small ground of quarrel with the race. But how this +joyous German ever came to wear a kilt and own a deer-forest I cannot +hope to understand, for there was no hint of Semitic origin in his face +or composition. + +Mr. REGINALD OWEN made a most human soldier-boy, and I shall never want +to meet a Guardsman with a better manner or an easier sense of humour. I +remark, by the way, that young _Blaine_ is the second stage-hero (the +first was in _The Cost_) whom the War has affected in the head. + +Miss MARGERY MAUDE, though she had the rather ungrateful part of a girl +who is quite ready, thank you, to be loved as soon as you feel like it, +played, as always, with a very perfect tact and charm. + +Finally, Miss KATE BISHOP was her dear old self, and Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' +sketch of a solicitor was as bright as it was brief. + +I venture to offer my best compliments both to the cast and to the +author, and to hope that his _Searchlights_ may serve well to pierce the +shadows of the night through which we are passing. + O. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_late gamekeeper_). "MARK OVER!"] + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + + (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Miss VIOLA MEYNELL brings to her analysis of character an astonishingly +acute observation and insight, an intimate sympathy, a quiet, leavening, +sometimes faintly malicious, humour; and to her synthesis a +conscientious and dexterous artistry in selection and arrangement which +gives a vividly objective reality to her creations. So that you may put +down her _Columbine_ (SECKER) with something like the guilty feeling of +an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon three girls is her main theme, +and it is difficult to overpraise her skill and restraint in the +handling of it. _Lily Peak_, the actress, beautiful, passionless, +incompetent, with her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand +philosophy of living, is a veritable _tour de force_ of characterisation +which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And between this +pretty nonentity and _Jennifer_, the competent, the loyal and the deep, +with her occasional flashes of beauty and her innocent provocativeness, +_Dixon Parrish_, one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded +modern young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. _Alison_, +his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, moves +unquiet on the well-planned background which holds that genially absurd +pseudo-intellectual, her father; the kindly negative _Mrs. Parrish_; +_Gilbert_, _Alison's_ lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits); +the pleasantly pretentious _Madame Barrett_ of the elocution classes; +and "that _Mrs. Smith_," who is only (but adroitly) shown through +_Lily's_ artless chatter. Miss MEYNELL chooses to write chiefly of +little moments in little lives. But she has adequate reserves of power +for bigger work, as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment +on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and meanwhile she has shown +herself mistress of a method singularly skilful and restrained. She does +not describe or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through +the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her characters--the +manifestly excellent way which so few have the wit or the courage to +follow. + + * * * + +_Mr. Leo Brandish_, so Miss PEGGY WEBLING assures me, intends to write +the professional biography of their mutual hero, that notable actor and +admirable gentleman, _Edgar Chirrup_ (METHUEN). In the meantime she has +told us all about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that +he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse are included +in the family portrait, with his children and the wife whom you and I, +and everyone else for that matter, realised was the one for him long +before he did. Some of the other pages in his life were less +satisfactory, more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not +in the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress jogged Fate's +elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy infatuation. If I could not +forget or ever quite understand this episode, neither could "_Chirps_" +himself in the years that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty +that had already won my affections were pleading for his release, with +the ladies (Fate and Miss WEBLING, I mean) collaborating over his +destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any but the happiest of endings +had been in store for the hero and his _Ruth_, for sweeter and simpler +folk have seldom been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public +into arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would seem to be +just that they have been able to catch the qualities of sympathy and +sincerity that belonged in the first case to the manner of the telling +of their story; so perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them +from the start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in +this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. Here is +tenderness without mawkishness, humour without noise, a sufficiency of +action without harshness of outline; most surprising, here is a story, +in which many of the characters are of the Stage, presented with an +entire absence of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, +one expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean +achievement. And so--my congratulations. + + * * * + +_Through the Ages Beloved_ (HUTCHINSON) might be fairly described as an +unusual story. I am bound to say that I both admired and enjoyed it; but +at the same time a more tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. +For the benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the +plot--whose scene is laid in Japan--is reincarnation. Consequently, +though the hero, _Kanaya_, begins as a modern student who has fought +through the Russo-Japanese war, you must be prepared to find him and +yourself switched suddenly without any warning into the remote past. I +am not quite sure that Mr. H. GRAHAME RICHARDS has been playing the game +here. So unheralded is the transference that even the close and careful +reader will experience some bewilderment; as, for example, when the +heroine, whose own name remains the same in both ages, re-enters with +different parents. As for the skipper, his doom will be confusion +unmitigated. However, once you have found your bearings again, there is +much to admire in the treatment of a time and a place so eminently +picturesque. Mr. RICHARDS' pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the +delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean air, the +colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, a flight of birds +crossing a garden of azaleas--all these are realized with obvious +knowledge and enthusiasm, and more than compensate for the intricacy of +the plot. But this is certainly there. Once only was I myself near +vanquished. This was when the _Kanaya_ of the past, himself the result +of the modern _Kanaya_ hitting his head on a stone, began to hint of +uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian future. Here I +confess that (like _Alice_ and _The Red King_) I longed for some +authoritative pronouncement as to who was the genuine dreamer, and who +would "go out." Still, an original story, and one to be read, even if +with knitting of brows. + + * * * + +[Illustration: THE PASSPORT WITH ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPH SOMETIMES +AROUSES SUSPICION. ONE SELDOM LOOKS LIKE ONESELF IMMEDIATELY AFTER A +ROUGH CHANNEL CROSSING.] + + * * * + +There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as a pot-boiler a +story that, when no longer in its first youth, can enjoy a second +blooming at ten shillings and sixpence net, in its own cardboard box, +and embellished with any quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures. +Yet I fear that this is my impression about _The Money Moon_ (SAMPSON +LOW). I have liked Mr. JEFFREY FARNOL'S other work too well to be able +to accept this at its present sumptuous face-value. You remember no +doubt how _George Bellew_, having been jilted by the girl of his +original choice, set out upon a walking tour; how on the first day of +this expedition he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing +in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant name of +Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at Dapplemere there lived a +small boy, who talked as boys do in books but nowhere else; a lavendery +old lady-housekeeper whose name (need I remind you?) was _Miss +Priscilla_; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. You recall too +how all these charming people took _George_ to their expansive hearts, +and welcomed him as the ideal hero, without apparently once noticing +that he must at the moment (on the author's own showing) have had a +swollen nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. The +whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that in America, where +_The Money Moon_ is at present shining more brightly than with us, there +exists a steady demand for this rather saccharine fiction. So let us +leave it at that. + + * * * + +There must be many persons (I am one of them myself) who, when +confronted with a topical burlesque of _Alice in Wonderland_, would +confess to a little regret. The book is such a treasured joy that one +hates to have any hands, even the cleverest, laid upon it. Yet the deed +is so often done that there is clearly a large public that does not +share this view. Therefore a welcome seems assured for what is +certainly, so far, the wittiest of the attempts, _Malice in Kulturland_ +(THE CAR ILLUSTRATED), written by HORACE WYATT, with pictures by TELL. +The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their task makes me +wish that my personal prejudice had allowed me to appreciate it more +whole-heartedly. Especially neat is the transformation of the _Cheshire +Cat_ into a _Russian Bear_, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a +clever drawing of this). You remember how, at _Alice's_ request, the +_Cat_ kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to grin? The +_Bear_ does the same, "beginning with an official statement, and ending +with a rumour, which was still very persistent for some time +afterwards." Mr. WYATT has certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall +look to see him developing in other and more virgin fields. + + * * * * * + + "CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?" + _Bristol Observer._ +They can be withdrawn with a pin. + + * * * * * + + "An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm, + Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb." + _Yorkshire Evening Post._ + +One would have expected a lion in these martial days. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United. + +On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +148, February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 *** + +***** This file should be named 44179.txt or 44179.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/7/44179/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/44179.zip b/old/44179.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..567ffa1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44179.zip |
