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diff --git a/44179-0.txt b/44179-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..848674a --- /dev/null +++ b/44179-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1803 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 *** + + PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + VOL. 148. + FEBRUARY 17, 1915. + + + + + CHARIVARIA. + +The Turks are now reported to be retiring through the desert, and the +Germans are realising that you may take a horse to the place where +there's no water, but you cannot make him drink. + + * * * + +"Rapid progress," we read, "is being made in the American movement to +supply soldiers at the battle fronts in Europe with Bibles printed in +their own languages." We trust that one will be supplied to the KAISER, +who, if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid it. + + * * * + +Suggested title for Germany and her allies--The Hunseatic League. + + * * * + +The _Vossische Zeitung_, talking of the proposed blockade, says, "The +dance will begin on February 18." Germania's toe may not be light, but +it is fantastic. + + * * * + +You may know a man by the company he keeps. The KAISER'S friends are now +the Jolly Roger and Sir ROGER CASEMENT. + + * * * + +Messrs. HAGENBECK, of Hamburg, are sending Major MEHRING, the German +Commandant at Valenciennes, an elephant. So we may expect shortly to be +told by wireless that a large Indian body has gone over to the Germans. + + * * * + +Earl GREY, speaking at Newcastle on the War, said that a German +passenger on the _Vaterland_ remarked to him, "Can you wonder that we +hunger? We have been hungry for two hundred years and only had one +satisfying meal--in 1870. We have become hungry again." The pity, of +course, is that so few Germans can eat quite like gentlemen. + + * * * + +The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed their body belts "the dado +round the dining-room." In the whirligig of fashion the freeze is now +being ousted by its predecessor. + + * * * + +Much of the credit for the admirable feeding of our Expeditionary Force +is due, we learn, to Brigadier-General LONG, the Director of Supplies. +As a caustic Tommy, pointing to his "dining-room," remarked, "one wants +but little here below, but wants that little Long." + + * * * + +The _Deutsche Tageszeitung_ informs its readers that "the men of the +North Lancashire Regiment recently attempted to force a swarm of bees to +attack German soldiers, but the bees turned on the British and severely +stung one hundred and twenty of them." After this success it is reported +that the Death's Head Hussars are adopting a wasp as a regimental pet. + + * * * + +Talking of regimental pets, the lucky recipient of Princess MARY'S +Christmas gift that was packed by the QUEEN is Private PET, of the +Leinster Regiment. + + * * * + +With reference to the private view of a collapsible hut at the College +of Ambulance last week it is only fair to say that there is good reason +to believe that not a few of those already erected will shortly come +under this description. + + * * * + +The Russian Minister of Finance, M. BARK, paid a visit to this country +last week, and it is rumoured that he had an interview with another +financial magnate, Mr. BEIT, with a view to forming an ideal +combination. + + * * * + +Says an advertisement of the Blue Cross Fund:--"All horses cared for. +Nationality not considered." This must save the Fund's interpreters a +good deal of trouble. + + * * * + +The Corporation of the City of London reports that diminished lighting, +so far from increasing the dangers of the City streets, has reduced +them, the accidents during the past quarter being only 331 as compared +with 375 a year ago. However, a proposal that the lights shall now be +entirely extinguished with a view to reducing the casualties to _nil_ +has not yet been adopted. + + * * * + +A gentleman has written to _The Globe_ to complain that at Charing Cross +Station there are signs printed in German indicating the whereabouts of +the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. We certainly think that, while we +are at war, these ought, so as to confuse the enemy, to point in wrong +directions. + + * * * + +Germany is now suffering from extreme cold, and the advice to German +housewives to cook potatoes in their jackets is presumably a measure of +humanity. + + * * * + +To Mr. WATT'S enquiry in the House as to how many German submarines had +been destroyed, Mr. CHURCHILL replied, "The German Government has made +no return." Let us hope that this is true also of a good few of the +submarines. + + * * * + +_Der Tag_, it is announced, is to be withdrawn from the Coliseum. They +could do with it, we believe, in Germany. + + * * * + +Theatrical folk will be interested to hear that in the Eastern Theatre +of War there has been furious fighting for the passes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Turk._ "I SAY, YOU FELLOWS! DO YOU SEE THE OTHER ALLIES +ARE POOLING THEIR FUNDS? CAPITAL IDEA!"] + + * * * * * + + "The power of Great Britain and her Allies was increasing daily + in strength, whereas the power of her enemies was distinctly on + the wane. The existing situation had been brought about without + the vest resources of the Empire having yet been called in to + play."--_Daily Mail._ + +Are we to understand, that, so far, we have only called out the socks +and body-belts? + + * * * * * + + "There is but one survival among the historic shows of the + [Crystal] Palace--a portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking + one another 'What next?' + + A meeting of the directors of the Crystal Palace Football Club + is to be summoned to decide on a course of action." + _The Evening News._ + +Without wishing to be needlessly offensive to either of these bodies, we +venture to suggest that they should combine their deliberations. + + * * * * * + + "If ... England and France keep the police of the sea with the + utmost vigilance, so that no copper at all can reach Germany and + Austria, the fate of both Empires seems certain."--_Times._ + +The land police must be guarded even more vigorously if "no copper at +all" is to slip over. + + * * * * * + + THE GODS OF GERMANY. + + [A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his + country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be + permitted to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious + life of Germany."] + + Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends! + From East and West the heretic comes swooping, + But all in vain his impious strength he spends + If you refuse to let him catch you stooping; + All goes serenely up to date; + Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)! + + Deutschland--that beacon in the general night-- + Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in, + Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right, + Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin; + O let us, in this wicked war, + Stick tight to Odin and to Thor! + + Over our race these gods renew their reign; + For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing; + Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane + Attest the force of your religious feeling; + Not Thor's own hammer could have made + A better job of this crusade. + + In such a cause all ye that lose your breath + Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla; + And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death, + The fresh young houri promised you by Allah; + Between the two--that chance and this-- + Your Heaven should be hard to miss. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + + THE PASSPORT. + +"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?" + +"Your nose?" she said. + +"Yes," I said, "my nose." + +"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?" + +"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. It is Sir +EDWARD GREY, the--ahem--Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. In the +midst of all his tremendous duties he still has time to ask me to tell +him what my nose is like." + +"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney Hatch. Will +somebody tell me what this man is talking about?" + +"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is no mystery about +it." + +"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see it with the +naked eye." + +"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to go to France. +Therefore I may want a passport. I am now filling in an application for +it, and I find to my regret that I have got to give details of my +personal appearance, including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all +you can do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? Is it even +wifely?" + +"But why can't you describe it yourself?" + +"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know about his own nose? He +only sees it full-face for a few minutes every morning when he's shaving +or parting his hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile +the dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his best to +forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, I haven't the +vaguest notion what my nose is really like." + +"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down as a loud blower +and a hearty sneezer." + +"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir EDWARD GREY. He doesn't +want to know what it sounds like, but what it looks like." + +"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?" + +"Ye--es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean delicate----" + +"I don't," she said. + +"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome." + +"It isn't," she said. + +"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' do? Aren't some +noses called aquiline?" + +"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. Try again." + +"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me that my nose is +turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do not want to have a turned-up +nose, and what's more I don't mean to have one, not even to please the +British Foreign Office and all its permanent officials." + +"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a Roman nose." + +"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I dipped my pen and +prepared to write the word down in the blank space on the application +form. + +"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. Now that I look at you +again I'm not sure that yours is a Roman nose." + +"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting things. It must, +it shall be Roman." + +"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?" + +"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half so Roman as mine. +It is the noblest Roman of them all." + +"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass it as Roman." + +"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'" + +"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else." + +"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?" + +"Green," said Francesca. + +"No, grey." + +"Green." + +"Grey." + +"Let's compromise on grey-green." + +"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir EDWARD GREY will appreciate +that. Oh, bother! I've written it in the space devoted to 'hair.' +However it's easy to----" + +"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. I've often +wondered what I ought to say about your hair, and now I know. Oh, my +grey-green-and-gentle-haired one!" + +"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what about my eyes?" + +"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's done." + +"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. Now I know what it +is to have a real helper. Complexion next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good +word for complexion?" + +"Yes, for some." + +"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've noticed that people +who fill up blank spaces always use the word 'normal' at least once. I +shall call my complexion normal and get it over." + +After this there was no further difficulty. I took the remaining blank +spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes the application form was +filled up. Having then secured a clergyman who consented to guarantee my +personal respectability and having attached two photographs of myself I +packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have not yet had any +special acknowledgment from Sir EDWARD GREY, but I take this opportunity +to warn the French authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a +non-Roman nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and a normal +complexion may be seeking admission to their country. + R. C. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER. + +TEUTON TROUBADOUR (_serenading the fair Columbia_). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN +TO MY LOVE-SONGS, I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bright Youth._ "YES, I'M THINKIN' OF GETTIN' A +COMMISSION IN SOMETHING. WHAT ABOUT JOININ' THAT CROWD WITH THE JOLLY +LITTLE RED TABS ON THEIR COLLARS? THEY LOOK SO DOOCID SMART."] + + * * * * * + + THE WATCH DOGS. + + XII. + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--It must be upwards of a month since you heard from me; +I trust you have had sleepless nights in consequence. To be honest, I am +still in England, prepared to go out at a moment's notice, sworn to go, +medically approved, equipped and trained to go, but (my one weakness) +never in fact going. War, of course, is not open to any member of the +public who cares to turn up on the field and proffer his entrance-money; +it is an invitation show, and we have not yet received our cards. + +Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon is an intensely personal affair, and +who interested himself in it from the purely private motives of the +patriot, in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, or in the wicked +caprice of the law-abiding civilian lusting to travel abroad without a +ticket, go shooting without a licence and dabble in manslaughter without +the subsequent expense of briefing counsel,--poor old Tolley sees a +personal slight in this, and is quite sure that K. has a down on all of +us and on himself in particular. He has no difficulty in conceiving of +the Olympians at the War Office spending five working days and the +Saturday half-day in deciding what they shall do about US; writing round +to our acquaintances for our references: "Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober +and willing, punctual in his habits, clean in his appearance, an early +riser and a good plain warrior?" and receiving under confidential cover +unfavourable answers; and at night in his dreams he sees the SECRETARY +FOR WAR pondering over our regimental photo and telling himself that +there are some likely-looking fellows in the front row, but you never +know what they have got hidden away in the middle; counting up the heads +and murmuring, as he wonders when he shall send us out, "This year, next +year, some time--never." + +But you, Charles, must be patient with us, supporting us with your good +will and opinion, and replying to all who remark upon the progress of +the Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its way, but you wait till +Henry gets out and then you'll see _some_ war." + +Meanwhile the soldier's life continues with us very much after the +manner of the schoolboy's. We all pretend to ourselves that we are now +on terms of complete mutual understanding with the C.O. and the +Adjutant, but none the less we all study their expressions with great +care before we declare ourselves at breakfast. There are times for +jesting and there are times for not jesting; it goes by seasons, fair +and stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's face is a barometer. In my +wilder and more dangerous moods I have felt tempted to tap it and see if +I couldn't effect an atmospheric change. (In the name of goodness, I +adjure you, Charles, not to leave this letter lying about; if it gets +into print I shall lose all my half-holidays for the next three years or +the duration of the War.) + +The other morning I was come for, that is to say I was proceeding +comfortably with my breakfast at 7.55, when I was touched on the +shoulder and told that the C.O. would be glad to see me (or rather, +_would_ see me) at orderly room at eight, a thing which, by the grace of +Heaven and the continual exercise of low cunning on my part, has never +happened to me before. At least they might have told me what I had done, +thought I, as I ran to my fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, and +improvising a line of defence applicable to any crime. Believe me, the +dock is a haven of rest and security compared with orderly, or ordeal, +room. + +When my turn came I advanced to the table of inquisition, came smartly +to attention, saluted, cleared my throat and said, "Sir!" (The +correctness of this account is not guaranteed by any bureau.) I then +cleared my throat again and said, "Sir, it was like this." The C.O. +looked slightly nonplussed; the Adjutant, who in all his long experience +of crime had never before seen the accused open his mouth, began to open +his own. So I pushed on with it. "My defence is this: in the first place +I did not do it. I wasn't there at the time, and if I had been I +shouldn't have done it. In the second place I did it inadvertently. In +the third place it was not a wrong thing to do; and in the fourth place +I am prepared to make the most ample apology, to have the same inserted +in three newspapers, and to promise never to do it again." + +Orderly room was by now thoroughly restive. "If you take a serious view +of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me now and have done with it. Do not +keep me waiting till dawn, for I am always at my worst and most +irritable before breakfast." + +When I paused for breath they took the opportunity to inform me, rather +curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for in order to be appointed to +look after the rations and billets of a party of sixteen officers +proceeding to a distance that same day, and I was to dispose +accordingly. "If I had known that was all," I said to myself, "I'd have +had my second piece of toast while it was still lukewarm." I then +withdrew, by request. I found upon enquiry of the Sergeant-Major, who +knows all things, that the party was to travel by circuitous routes and +arrive at 7.5 P.M., whereas I, travelling _viâ_ London, might arrive at +5 P.M., and so have two odd hours to prepare a home and food for them. +So into the train I got, and there of all people struck the C.O. +himself, proceeding townwards on duty. In the course of the journey I +made it clear to him that, if his boots required licking, I was the man +for the job. + +He smiled indulgently. "Referring to that second piece of toast," he +began. + +I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, it is nothing," said I. + +"When we arrive in London," he said, "you will lunch with me." I +protested that the honour was enormous, but I was to arrive in London at +1.30 and must needs proceed at 1.50. + +"You will lunch with me," he pursued, adding significantly as I still +protested, "at the Savoy." + +After further argument, "It is the soldier's duty to obey," I said, and +we enquired at St. Pancras as to later trains. The conclusion of the +matter was that by exerting duress upon my taxidriver I just caught the +4.17, which got me to ---- at 7.15, ten minutes after the hungry and +houseless sixteen. + +You don't think this is particularly funny; well, no more did the +sixteen. But it was a very, very happy luncheon. Remember that we have +subsisted on ration beef and ration everything else for some months, and +you will believe me when I tell you that, upon seeing a menu in French +(our dear allies!), opening with _crème_ and concluding with _Jacques_, +we told the waiter to remove the programme and give us the foodstuffs. +"Start at the beginning," said the C.O., "and keep on at it till you +reach the end. Then stop." + +"Stop, Sir?" I asked. + +"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all over again" ... and so when we got +to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, "Sir, if I may, your very +good health," meaning thereby that I forgave him not only all the harsh +things he has said to me in the past, but even all the harsher things he +proposes to say to me in the future. + +From the monotony of training we have only occasional relief in the +actual, as for instance when we are kept out of bed all night, Zepping. +But this is a poor game, Charles; there is not nearly enough sport in it +to satisfy the desires of a company of enthusiasts, armed with a rifle +and a hundred rounds of ball ammunition apiece. We feel that the officer +of the day, who inspects the shooting party at 9.30 P.M. and then sends +it off about its business, is trifling with tragic matter when he tells +us: "Now, remember; no hens!" + Yours ever, HENRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD. + +_The Shirker._ "NICE BIRD! SAY 'POLLY SCRATCH A POLL!'" + +_The Bird._ "JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN!"] + + * * * * * + + "The battle that has been raging for several months has now + ended in a distinct triumph for the high-necked corsage." + _Tatler._ + +Good. Now we can devote our attention to the other war on the Continent. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Village Wit_ (_to victim of ill-timed revelry_). +"WOTCHER, WILLIAM? HOW WAS JOFFER WHEN YOU LEFT?"] + + * * * * * + + OXFORD IN WAR TIME. + + Who that beheld her robed in May + Could guess the change that six months later + Has brought such wondrous disarray + Upon his _alma mater?_ + + Distracted by a world-wide strife, + The calm routine of study ceases; + And Oxford's academic life + Is broken all to pieces. + + No more the intellectual youth + Feeds on perpetual paradoxes; + No longer in the quest of truth + The mental compass boxes. + + Gone are the old luxurious days + When, always craving something subtler, + To BERGSON'S metaphysic maze + He turned from SAMUEL BUTLER. + + Linked by the brotherhood of arms + All jarring coteries are blended; + Mere cleverness no longer charms; + The cult of Blues is ended. + + The boats are of their crews bereft; + The parks are given up to training; + The scanty hundreds who are left + All at the leash are straining. + + And grave professors, making light + Of all the load of _anno domini_, + Devote the day to drill, the night + To CLAUSEWITZ and JOMINI. + + While those who feel too old to fight + Full nobly with the pen are serving + To weld conflicting views of right + In one resolve unswerving. + + No more can essayists inveigh + Against the youth of Oxford, slighting + Her "young barbarians all at play," + When nine in ten are fighting, + + And some, the goodliest and the best, + Beloved of comrades and commanders, + Have passed untimely to their rest + Upon the plains of FLANDERS. + + No; when two thousand of her sons + Are mustered under Freedom's banner, + None can declaim--except the Huns-- + Against the Oxford manner. + + For lo! amid her spires and streams, + The lure of cloistered ease forsaking, + The dreamer, noble in her dreams, + Is nobler in her waking. + + * * * * * + + "Lest we forget." + +In these days, when we have to be thankful that our country has not, +like Belgium and France, been overrun by savages, the greater mercies we +receive are apt to obscure the less. But Swansea does not forget the +smaller mercies. According to a recent issue of _The South Wales Daily +Post_, "The Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the second time to St. +Nicholas' Church, Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday evening next, at +6.30, when the directors, committee and the two full teams have promised +to attend the service, that, in the words of the Rev. PERCY WESTON, will +be in the nature of a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune +against Newcastle United"." + +Our compliments to the Rev. PERCY WESTON, pastor of this pious and +patriot flock. + + * * * * * + + WHAT I DEDUCED. + + BY A GERMAN GOVERNESS. + + [Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, having as large a sale + in Germany as _What I Found Out_, by an English Governess, is + having in this country.] + +I shall never forget my arrival at the house of my new employers. Into +the circumstances which forced me to earn my living as a governess in a +strange country I need not now go. Sufficient that I had obtained a +situation in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an Englishman of high +position living in one of the most fashionable suburbs of London. "Chez +Nous," The Grove, Cricklewood, was the address of my new home, and +thither on that memorable afternoon I wended my way. + +"The master and mistress are out," said the maid. "Perhaps you would +like to go straight to the nursery and see the children?" + +"Thank you," I said, and followed her upstairs. Little did I imagine the +amazing scene which was to follow! + +In the nursery my two little charges were playing with soldiers; a tall +and apparently young man was lying on the floor beside them. At my +entrance he scrambled to his feet. + +"Stop the battle a moment," he said, "while we interrogate the invader." + +"I am Fräulein Schmidt," I introduced myself, "the new governess." + +"And I," he said with a bow, "am Lord Kitchener. You have arrived just +in time. Another five minutes and I should have wiped out the German +army." + +"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you wouldn't," shouted one of the boys. + +It was Lord Kitchener! He had shaved off his heavy moustache, and by so +doing had given himself a deceptive appearance of youth, but there could +be no doubt about his identity. Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great +English War Lord! In the light of after-events, how instructive was this +first meeting! + +"What is the game?" I asked, hiding my feelings under a smile. "England +against Germany?" + +"England and Scotland and Ireland and Australia and a few others. We +have ransacked the nursery and raked them all in." + +So even at this time England had conceived the perfidious idea of +forcing her colonies to fight for her! + +"And some Indian soldiers?" I asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid +Bengal Lancers. It struck me even then as very significant; and it is +now seen to be proof that for years previously England had been plotting +an invasion of the Fatherland with a swarm of black mercenaries. + +Lord Kitchener evidently saw what was in my mind, and immediately +exerted all his well-known charm to efface the impression he had +created. + +"You mustn't think," he said with a smile, "that the policy of the +Cabinet is in any way affected by what goes on at 'Chez Nous.' Although +Sir Edward Grey and I----" + +He broke off suddenly, and, in the light of what has happened since, +very suspiciously. + +"Have you had any tea?" he asked. His relations with the notorious Grey +were evidently not to be disclosed. + + * * * + +I met Lord Kitchener on one other occasion, but it is only since England +forced this war upon Europe that I have seen that second meeting in its +proper light. + +I had been out shopping, and when I came back I found him in the garden +playing with the children. We talked for a little on unimportant +matters, and then I saw his eye wandering from me to the drawing-room. A +soldier had just stepped through the open windows on to the lawn. + +"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny." + +As the latter came up Lord Kitchener smacked him warmly on the back. + +"Well," he said, "my martial friend, how many Germans have you killed?" +Then seeing that his friend appeared a little awkward he introduced him +to me. "Fräulein Schmidt, this is one of our most famous warriors--Sir +John French." + +I could see that Sir John French was taken aback. He had evidently come +down to discuss secretly the plan of campaign against a defenceless and +utterly surprised Germany, which their friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey, +was to put in motion--and forthwith a German governess had been let into +the secret! No wonder he was annoyed! "You silly ass," he muttered, and +became very red and confused. + +Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed. + +"It's all right," he said; "Fräulein Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk +quite freely in front of her." + +It was the typical British attitude of contempt for the possible enemy. +But General French showed all that stubborn caution which was afterwards +to mark his handling of the British mercenaries, and which is about to +cost him so dearly. + +"Don't be a fool, Horace," he mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable +silence. + + * * * + +Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived with them, was a most interesting old +lady. She seemed to be in the secrets of all the Royal Family and other +highly placed personages, and told me many interesting things about +them. "Ah, my dear," she would say, "they tell us in the papers that +King George is shooting at Windsor, but----" and then she would nod her +head mysteriously. "He's a _working_ king," she went on after a little. +"He doesn't waste his time on _sport_." In the light of after-events it +is probable that she was right; and that when His Majesty George the +Fifth was supposed to be at Windsor he was in reality in Belgium, +looking out for sites for the notorious British siege-guns which have +murdered so many of our brave soldiers. + +In this connection I must relate one extraordinary incident. Young Mrs. +Brigsworth had an album of celebrated people in the British political +and social world. She was herself distantly connected, she told me, +through her mother's people, with several well-known Society families, +and it interested her to collect these photographs and paste them into a +book. One day she was showing me her album, and I noticed that, on +coming to a certain page, she turned hurriedly over, and began +explaining a group on the next page very volubly. + +"What was that last one?" I asked. "Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?" + +"Oh, that was nothing," she said quickly. "I didn't know I had that one; +I must throw it away." + +However, she had not been quick enough. I had seen the photograph; and +events which have happened since have made it one of extraordinary +significance. + +It was a photograph of the First Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in +bathing costume! + +As soon as I was left alone I turned to the photograph. "The First Lord +amuses himself on his holiday" were the words beneath it. "Amuses +himself!" Can there be any doubt in the mind of an impartial German that +even then England had decided to violate the neutrality of Belgium, and +that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, examining the possibilities +of Ostend as a base for submarines? + +No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had hurriedly turned over the page! + + A. A. M. + + * * * * * + + "When the war was declared, 25,000 Bedouins were recruited in + Hebrun, but they were without food for three days and returned + to their homes saying this was not a Holy War."--_Peshawar Daily + News_. + +Their actual words were: "This is a----" well, _not_ a Holy War. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Art Patron (to R.A.)._ "WE'VE LOST SO MUCH SINCE THE WAR +THAT WE'VE COME TO ASK IF YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO KEEP THIS PORTRAIT OF MY +WIFE AS CLEOPATRA."] + + * * * * * + + CHALK AND FLINT. + + Comes there now a mighty rally + From the weald and from the coast, + Down from cliff and up from valley, + Spirits of an ancient host; + Castle grey and village mellow, + Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold, + Crumbling church and cracked martello + Echo to this chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old!_ + + Screaming gull and lark a-singing, + Bubbling brook and booming sea, + Church and cattle bells a-ringing + Swell the ghostly melody; + "Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye, + Mingling with our dust below! + Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye + This our chant of long ago!" + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the days of long ago!_ + + Hills that heed not Time or weather, + Sussex down and Kentish lane, + Roads that wind through marsh and heather + Feel the mail-shod feet again; + Chalk and flint their dead are giving-- + Spectres grim and spectres bold-- + Marching on to cheer the living + With their battle-chant of old-- + Chant of knight and chant of bowman, + Chant of squire and chant of yeoman: + _Witness Norman! Witness Roman! + Kent and Sussex feared no foeman + In the valiant days of old._ + + * * * * * + + "WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?" + +Those who wish to give practical expression to the approval of the +scheme for raising Military Bands to encourage recruiting--the subject +of one of _Mr. Punch's_ cartoons of last week--are earnestly invited to +send contributions to the LORD MAYOR at the Mansion House. Further +information may be obtained at the offices of "Recruiting Bands," 16, +Regent Street, S.W. + + * * * * * + +From a schoolboy's essay on the War:-- + + "When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces." + +This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of the official +War-bread. + + * * * * * + +Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:-- + + "Alas! what boots it with incessant care + To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?" + _Milton: "Lycidas."_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_as his father exhibits his new Volunteer +uniform_). "WELL! MOTHER--I SAY! THIS BRINGS WAR HOME TO US, DOESN'T +IT?"] + + * * * * * + + OUR PERSONAL COLUMN. + +Many of the other papers have a Personal Column. Why should not _Mr. +Punch_ have one? + +He shall. + + * * * + +MLLE. FORGETMÉNOT bien arrivée à Londres le 14 Février. Où est M. +Valentin? + + * * * + +K.--Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly brke. Try yr uncl.--M. + + * * * + +JEHOSHAPHAT.--Will all Jehoshaphats combine to send bridge tables to the +Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, limited to £10 each, should +be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., 25, Sun Row, Chelsea. + + * * * + +FLORENCE.--I was there and waited from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do +this often as I have tendency to pneumonia. + + * * * + +WILL anyone lend young man £500 on note of hand alone to enable him to +procure clothes in which to present himself at recruiting office? +Nothing but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps him from enlisting.--Box +41, Office of this paper. + + * * * + +FOUND in neighbourhood of the Adelphi.--An Iron Cross, evidently awarded +by the KAISER. Initials upon it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously +invited to apply for it in person.--E. G., Foreign Office. + + * * * + +SHIRTS for our troops at the Front are still urgently needed. Please +send needles, cotton and material to Sister Susie, Drury Lane Theatre, +W.C. All persons desiring to sing about her activities should note that +the song is not published by Brothers Boosey but by another firm. + + * * * + +LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, between Acton and Blackheath, a +one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.--Anyone returning the same to +X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive 1/- reward and no questions +asked. + + * * * + +SMITH.--Will everyone named Smith at once send a sovereign to John +Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? Patriotic purpose to which money will +be put will be explained later. + + * * * + +WIFE of popular actor now serving in France would much appreciate the +loan of a London house, with servants and motor car thrown in.--Box 81, +Office of this paper. + + * * * + +A.B.C.--Please make no further effort to meet me. The depth of my +loathing for you can never be expressed in words, at least not in this +column.--J. + + * * * + +POLLIES.--Will all the Pollies of England kindly help a poor Polly to +continue her lessons in voice production.--Write POLLY, 2, Birdcage +Walk. + + * * * + +TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters contain good vivid accounts of +picturesque occurrences at the Front. _The Daily Inexactitude_ places no +limit on the writer's imagination. + + * * * + +YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust health, who has failed in everything +he has yet undertaken and does not approve of warfare, would like +situation as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to wealthy absentee +landowner.--Apply Box 29, Office of this paper. + + * * * * * + + The _Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger_, speaking of the four Turks who + succeeded in crossing the Suez Canal and who have since been + taken prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the four gallant + Turkish swimmers will now do good work in Egypt." + +We have no doubt that work will be found for them and that the prison +authorities will shield them from the dangers of a life of indulgent +idleness. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SOUND AND FURY." + +KAISER. "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?" + +ADMIRAL VON TIRPITZ. "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE." + +KAISER. "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) + +_House of Commons, Monday, 8th February._--Debate on Army Estimates +prefaced by statement from PRIME MINISTER casting gleam of lurid light +on a War of which this is the 190th day. Answering a question he said +the total number of British Army casualties in the Western area of the +War is approximately 104,000 of all ranks. This, of course, does not +include the death-roll in the Navy, a heavy tale of losses due far more +to mine and submarine than to fair fights on the open sea. But standing +alone it is not much less than one-half of the number of men, including +Militia, voted in the Waterloo year now dead a century. Numerically a +trifle compared with the huge gaps made in ranks of the enemy. +Nevertheless it represents sufficiently appalling sacrifice, chargeable +to the account of one man's whim. + +[Illustration: "EXCEEDING THE WILDEST DREAMS OF MARLBOROUGH OR +WELLINGTON."] + +Army Estimates for year, introduced by TENNANT in a speech equally lucid +and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary aspect. With an Army on +active service and in training exceeding in number the wildest dreams of +MARLBOROUGH or WELLINGTON, the aggregate sum asked for is £15,000. Seems +odd since, as UNDER SECRETARY FOR WAR in interesting aside stated, the +Army costs more in a week than the total estimate for the Waterloo +campaign, which stands on record at the modest sum of £6,721,880. + +This only a little official joke designed partly to relieve tension of +critical times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of enemy. Idea of Germany +cherished at War Office is that she is a sort of innocent Little Red +Riding Hood whose legitimate curiosity may be evaded either by +withholding information or mystifying it by administration of small +doses dealt out at safe intervals of time. Hence the Press Bureau, which +to-night came in for rough handling from both sides of House. + +[Illustration: "IDEA OF GERMANY CHERISHED AT WAR OFFICE IS THAT SHE IS A +SORT OF INNOCENT LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD."] + +If usual detailed account of expenditure on Army were set forth, the +German General Staff would know exactly what was in front of them in +respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible little army" which seven +months ago embarked upon a crusade more self-sacrificing, more glorious +than any recorded in the story of Britain. Failing that, they naturally +know nothing and will go on blundering in the dark. + +Accordingly Votes submitted to-night were what the Treasury calls +"token" estimates, each thousand pounds of the fifteen representing +untold millions to be expended on various services of the War. On this +understanding, Committee, practically without debate, amidst stern but +quietly expressed determination to go on to the end at whatever cost, +voted an establishment of three million men. + +_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee of Supply. + +_Tuesday._--For first time since reassembling House sat up to closing +hour, 11 o'clock. Discussion of Army Estimates resumed. Committee has +advantage of WALTER LONG'S lead of Opposition. Shrewd, tactful, +conciliatory. Among miscellaneous Questions coming up was condition of +some of the huts contracted for by War Office. WALTER LONG associated +himself with sharp criticism offered from various quarters. + +The MEMBER FOR SARK regrets that engagement out of town prevented his +taking part in the discussion. + +"I happen to know something at first hand about the matter," he says. "I +spend my week-ends in a district which, lying on direct route for the +Front, swarms with detachments of recruits in training. In the late +autumn, huts were built for their accommodation. Quite nice comfortable +things to look at. Some stand on desirable sites overlooking land and +sea. + +"All very well as long as autumn weather lasted. But the winter told +another tale. Season exceptionally wet. Sinful rottenness of these +so-called habitations speedily discovered. Rain poured through the roofs +as if they were made of brown paper. Nor was that all, though our poor +fellows found it sufficient. When wind blew with any force it carried +the rain through the walls of the huts, formed of thin laths, in some +cases overlapping each other by not more than a quarter of an inch. +Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, the men dressing for morning +parade found their khaki uniforms and underclothing soaking wet. After +this had been stood for a week or ten days, the huts were condemned and +the recruits billeted upon inhabitants of neighbouring town. + +"This not mere gossip, you understand. Circumstances simply related to +me by the men themselves, some interrupting narrative with fits of +coughing inevitable result of nightly experience. Nor were they +complaining. Just mentioned the matter as presumably unavoidable episode +in preliminary stage of career of men giving up all and risking their +lives to save their country. + +"What I want to know is, What has been done in particular cases such +as this that must have come under notice of War Office? Have the +contractors got clear away without punishment, or have they been made +to disgorge? FINANCIAL SECRETARY TO WAR OFFICE stated in course of +debate that average cost of these encampments amounted to £13 per +man. In cases where huts are condemned, is the sorely-burdened but +cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding the money all over again, or is +the peccant contractor made to stump up?" + +_Business done._--Still harping on Army Estimates. + +_House of Lords, Thursday._--Death of Lord LONDONDERRY, buried to-day +near his English home, Wynyard Park, universally regretted. A strong +Party man, he had no personal enemies in the Opposition ranks, whether +in Lords or Commons. Unlike some distinguished Peers, notably Lord +ROSEBERY, he enjoyed advantage, inestimable in public life, of serving +an apprenticeship in the House of Commons, where he sat six years for +the Irish constituency which his famous forebear represented in the +Irish Parliament. He was born into politics. His earliest conviction, +thorough as were all he entertained, was one of distrust for DON JOSÉ, +who at the time when he sat in the House of Commons was carrying through +the country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised Programme. + +This feeling later replaced by dislike of GLADSTONE, who in the year +after Lord CASTLEREAGH, at the age of thirty-two, succeeded to the +Marquisate, brought in his Home Rule Bill. + +That was the turning point in LONDONDERRY's public life. Hitherto he had +toyed with politics as part of the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat. +Thenceforward he devoted himself heart and soul to withstanding the +advance of Home Rule, which he lived long enough to see enacted, Death +sparing him the pang of living under its administration. + +In his devotion to the fighting line rallied against Home Rule he was +encouraged and sustained by a power behind the domestic throne perhaps, +as has happened in historical cases, more dominant than its occupant. +_Cherchez la femme._ Londonderry House became the spring and centre of +an influence that had considerable effect upon political events during +more than a quarter of a century. + +LONDONDERRY's cheery presence will be missed in the Lords. His memory +will be cherished as that of one who fought stoutly for causes sacred to +a large majority of his peers. + +_Business done._--PREMIER made promised statement on subject of food +prices. Debate following was adjourned. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +1. "ACH! HIMMEL!--A SHELL!" + +2. !!! + +3. "GREAT KRUPPS!--WHAT IS IT?"] + + * * * * * + + A Flower of Speech. + + "Mr. Asquith stated in the House of Commons this afternoon that + the Government were considering taking more stringent measures + against German trade as a consequence of the latter's fragrant + breach of the rules of war."--_Star._ + +Fragrant is the parliamentary way of putting it. + + * * * + "German Togoland, whose aspirations towards nationality have + been again aroused by the recent promises of the Czar, is + destined to be for us part of a new European state under the + protection of Russia." + _Leader_ (_B. E. Africa_). + +The fate of German Pololand in Africa will be decided in our next. + + * * * + "Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost of doing these works. + + Surveyor--I cannot say vbgkqis shr me." + _Wicklow Newsletter._ + +Neither can we, but we should never have thought of mentioning it to Mr. +MURPHY at this juncture. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Chorus from the trench._ "WHAT 'AVE YOU GOT THERE, TOM?" + +_Tom_ (_bringing in huge Uhlan_). "SOUVENIR."] + + * * * * * + + A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA. + + V. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Our Battalion has gone. It has called back to the +ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. Even as I write it is racing +through the darkness across the Indian plains to its new station. I can +almost hear the grinding thunder of the wheels; the thud of men sleeping +on the seats as they roll off and crash upon men sleeping on the floors; +the pungent oaths mingling with the shriek of the engine whistle ... and +I am left behind in the Divisional Staff Office and attached to another +Territorial unit just arrived from England. Woe is me! + +I paid a last visit to the barracks to see my comrades before they left. +They were well and cheerful, but all suffering from a singular delusion. +When I expressed regret that I was not accompanying them owing to the +fact that my services could not be spared from the Office, they all +assured me with perfect gravity that this was not the real explanation +of my being left behind. While I have been plying the pen, they, it +appears, have reached such a state of military proficiency that to +re-introduce me into the ranks at this stage would have had a most +disintegrating effect upon the _moral_ of the entire Battalion. + +It was hard on me, they were prepared to admit, but efficiency must come +first. When, very shortly, they march down _Unter den Linden_ I must +surely recognise how very disastrous it would be for me to be there with +my rifle at an unprofessional slope. It would be so noticeable in the +pictures afterwards. + +They were all full of kindly commiseration about my future. They, of +course, will presently be leaving for the Front. England will ring from +end to end with the story of their prowess. In six weeks they will have +beaten the Germans to a standstill. Then--best of all--they will return +home, covered with glory and medals, to be received with frantic +demonstrations of joy, affection and adulation. + +Several years later, I gather, I may (if exceptionally lucky) return to +England unhonoured and unsung, with indelible inkstains on my fingers +and three vaccination marks on my left forearm as my only mementoes of +the Great War. On the other hand, having got fairly into the grip of the +Indian Government, it is quite likely that I shall end my days here. + +Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, one of them generously promised +to present me with a few Iron Crosses which he anticipates collecting on +the battlefield. But this gift, he was at pains to point out, was +contingent upon the very improbable circumstance of my surviving plague, +dysentery, enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite and other perils +of a prolonged sojourn in India. + +In the immediate future I can unfortunately see for myself that my +prospects are of the gloomiest. When I mildly suggested to my Colour +Sergeant that he should send me my pay by post each week from the new +station, he stared at me fixedly and reminded me with unnecessary and +offensive emphasis that I was now attached to another regiment, and that +he had finally and thankfully washed his hands of all responsibility +concerning me. When I sought out my new Colour, he informed me even more +emphatically that I was merely attached to his company for disciplinary +purposes and that it was blooming well useless for me to look to him for +pay. So there I am. + +It is the same with rations. None were sent for me this morning. It is +tolerably certain that none will be sent to-morrow. + +Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing end to a promising career, +won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if Lord KITCHENER knew the facts of the +case he would do something about it. Perhaps you could approach him on +the matter. Still, I have read somewhere that life can be supported on +four bananas a day. I can get eight bananas for an anna here, and I have +Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my money belt. I leave you to work it +out. + +I remember now that a wandering Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at +Christmas that I should live to be 107. That was one of his best points. +He also told me that I should be married three times and have eleven +children; that I had a kind heart; that a short dark lady was interested +in my career; that the KAISER would be dethroned next June; and that +fortune-telling was a precarious means of livelihood and its professors +were largely dependent upon the generosity of wealthy _sahibs_ such as +myself. Wealthy! + +But he was a true prophet in one particular. He foretold that I should +shortly be unhappy on account of a parting. + +Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to say good-bye to all my friends; it +is not cheering to reflect now that they are a thousand miles away, amid +fresh and fascinating scenes, about to undergo novel and wonderful +experiences from which I am debarred. But there is one lesson which the +Army teaches very efficiently--that, whatever one's personal feelings, +orders have to be obeyed without question. + +And I suppose they also serve who only sit and refer correspondents to +obscure sub-sections and appendices of Army Regulations, India. + Yours ever, + ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS. + +BRITANNIA STILL SITTING ON THE COPPER.] + + * * * * * + + THE COLLECTOR. + +Once upon a time there was an Old Gentleman who lived in a Very +Comfortable Way; and some of his Neighbours said he was Rich and others +that, at any rate, he was Well Off, and others again that at least he +had Considerable Private Means. And when the Great War broke out it was +clear that he was much too Old to fight, and he wasn't able to speak at +Recruiting Meetings on account of an Impediment in his Speech, and he +had no Soldiers billeted upon him, because there were no Soldiers there, +and he could not take in Belgian Refugees because he lived on the East +Coast--so he just read the Papers and pottered about the Garden as he +used to do before. + +But after a time it was noticed that he began to "draw in," as his +Neighbours said. First he gave up his Motor, and when his Gardener +enlisted he didn't get Another; and he never had a Fire in his Bedroom. +And his Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded that he had been Hard +Hit by the War. But None of them knew how. + +Then he began to travel Third Class and gave up Smoking Cigars. And they +thought he was waiting till the Stock Exchange opened. + +Then they noticed that he got no new Clothes and his old ones were not +so smart as they used to be. And as the Stock Exchange was open by now +they began to believe that he must have become a Miser and was getting +meaner as he got older. And they all said it was a Pity. But he went on +reading the Papers and pottering round the Garden much as before. + +And the Tradespeople found that the Books were not so big as they used +to be, and they began to say that it was a Pity when people who had +Money didn't know how to spend it. + +But the Truth is that they were all wrong; he was a Collector. That was +how the Money went. + +He never told anyone about his Collection, but he kept it in the Top +Drawer of his Desk till it got too big and overflowed into the Second +Drawer, and then into the Third, and so on. + +He was quite determined that his Collection should be complete and +should contain Every Sound Specimen--that was partly why he kept reading +the Papers. But he didn't mind having Duplicates as long as they had +Different Dates. There was one Specimen of which he got a Duplicate +every Week. + +One of his Rules was never to allow any Specimen into his Collection +unless it had a Stamp on it. + +It was quite a New Sort of Collection. It was made up of Receipts from +the People who were running All The Different War Funds. + + * * * * * + + THE SOLDIER'S COAT. + +After his ample dinner, William sank into the big chair before the fire, +and with a book on his knee became lost in thought. + +He woke half-an-hour later to observe that Margaret was knitting. + +"It's sheer waste of time," he told her, "to make anything of wool that +colour." + +"Is it?" she asked sweetly. + +"If there's no more khaki or brown wool left in the shops, you should +make something of flannel. Any self-respecting soldier would rather be +frost-bitten to death a dozen times than wear a garment of pink wool." + +"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, smiling. + +"Besides, you really ought to stick to the beaten track--belts, mufflers +and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs." + +"This is going to be a coat," she said, holding it up and surveying it +with satisfaction. + +"A coat?--that handful of pink, a coat? That feeble likeness of an +egg-cosy, a coat? A pink woollen coat for a British soldier! My poor +friend over there in the trenches, whoever you are, may Heaven help you! +And may Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this night's work!" + +"I shan't finish it to-night--it'll take days. And he'll be very proud +of it, I know." + +"Who will?" + +"The soldier-boy will. Bless his heart; he's a born fighter--anyone can +see it with half an eye. Mabel says----" + +"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? Well, what's Donald doing to allow +Mabel to take such an interest in this precious soldier-boy who is +prepared to be proud of a coat of soft pink wool? Who is the idiot?" + +"He's no idiot, and his name's Peter," said Margaret. + +"Peter! Peter what?" + +"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull yourself together, and try to realise +that you have been an uncle for at least three weeks. Donald and Mabel +are going to call him 'Peter'--didn't I tell you?" + + * * * * * + + "South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from shells and + shrapnel."--_Advt. in "The Times."_ + +Just the place for our shy young sister +Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in. + + "On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, an engineer, + joined the Belgian Flying Corps, and did most useful work, being + complimented by his King for his invention of a new kind of + aircomb." + _Daily Mirror._ + +Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with a couple of spikes missing. + + * * * * * + + THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY. + + [Even the more obscure of the American papers often contain + important news of the doings of the British army many days + before the Censor allows the information to be published in + England.] + + I am told that few exploits are finer + Than a battle our Blankshires have won, + So bring me _The Michigan Miner_, + For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done; + If _The Miner_'s not easy to hit on, + Get _The Maryland Trumpet_; it treats + Of a story that's kept, to the Briton, + As dark as the Westminster streets! + + As our soldiers from north of the Border + Some vital positions have stormed, + Put _The Oregon Message_ on order + To keep me completely informed! + One moment! I've just heard a rumour + That the Germans' whole front has been cleft-- + Quick! Rush for _The Tennessee Boomer_; + Heaven grant that a copy is left! + + Each day in this keep-it-dark city, + Officials, to us, seem unkind + To censor such news without pity, + But, of course, they've an object in mind; + For a man, when his spirits touch zero + Through a natural yearning for facts, + Will enlist, and _himself_ be a hero + Where no one can censor his ACTS! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Patriot._ "AH! I SEE YOU HAVEN'T YET CHANGED THE +NAME OF YOUR EAU-DE-COLOGNE." + +_Second Patriot._ "PARDON ME, MADAM. I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF +LABELLING MY NEW SUPPLY 'COLOGNE WATER.'"] + + * * * * * + + AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM. + +O authors, remember to join your flats! + +The novel was going splendidly. I had been revelling in it. I was +sitting in one chair, with my feet in another, not far from the fire, +plunged in the story, when all of a sudden my pleasure went. + +It was in Chapter xvii., where the young doctor takes a taxi and rushes +up to the actress's flat so as to be there first, before Lord +Burlington. You must understand that the young doctor is newly in +practice and has the greatest difficulty in making both ends meet. Well, +it says that he sprang from the cab and was half-way up the stairs in a +moment. That was all right, but the point is that he stayed two hours +hunting for the missing letter. Now this is a very exciting passage, +because we know that the detective may be here any minute, and Lord +Burlington is coming too, and if either of them--well, the point is +that, owing to the author forgetting to make the young doctor pay the +taxi-man, all my pleasure went. + +I am not unduly economical, but I hate downright waste, and here was the +taximeter ticking all through the rest of that chapter and the next, and +further still. Had it been Lord Burlington's cab I should have cared +less, for he was rich; had it been the detective's I should not have +cared at all, because the driver might have gone to Scotland Yard for +his money. But the young doctor was so poor, and sooner or later he +would have to come out of the flat again, and then he would be caught +and faced with an impossible bill; and this got on my nerves. + +As I say, the story was frightfully exciting just there, but I found +myself, instead of participating in the excitement, saying, "Another +twopence"; "Twopence more"; "It must be four shillings by now," "Five +shillings," and so on. Not even when the face of the Chinaman appeared +at the window--he had climbed up the water-pipe and had a dagger in his +teeth--could I really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by now," was all I +said. + +The result was that the effect of the book was lost on me and I cared +nothing for what happened to any one. The taximeter ticked through every +subsequent page. Long after we got away from London altogether and the +young doctor was on his way to Hong Kong, racing the detective, I still +heard the taximeter ticking; just because the man had never been paid. +It ticked through the wedding bells; and it ticked through the +strangling of Lord Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, with which +the story closes. + +And that is why I say, O authors, remember to join your flats. + + * * * * * + + The Slump in Prussians. + + (SORTES VERGILIANÆ.) + + "_Procumbit humi Bosch._" + + * * * * * + + AT THE PLAY. + + "SEARCHLIGHTS." + +The title was not, of course, meant to deceive, for Mr. VACHELL is an +honest man; and anyhow the critics, for that is their business, would be +swift to disillusionize the public; but in our permissible state of +suspicion, the audience might easily be led to suppose from the word +"Searchlights," combined with the early appearance of an imported Teuton +in the person of _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_, that spy-work was in the air. +But the genial domesticity of this naturalized Scot quickly disposed of +our unworthy apprehensions, and we soon learned that his _provenance_ +had no bearing upon the issue. + +That issue was concerned with a question of paternity, whose acuteness +happened to be contemporaneous with that of the present European crisis. +I say "happened"; for here again I cast no reflection upon Mr. VACHELL'S +intent, or suggest that the war-element in his play was introduced as an +afterthought into his original scheme. If it was, which I doubt, then +the patchwork was cleverly concealed; and my only complaint must be of a +certain obscurity in the relation between the two patterns in his +design. For if the title implied that the effect of the War was to throw +a searchlight into the dark places of the human heart (as distinguished +from its influence upon our City streets), I do not think that in the +case of _Robert Blaine's_ heart, if he had one, the author has made this +operation sufficiently clear. + +Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, born after five years of barren wedlock, +who was the object of her husband's profound detestation. After some +twenty years--a little late, perhaps, in the day, but the author wished +us to be present when he did it--_Robert Blaine_, at a moment when his +wife is trying to get her boy out of a tight corner, declares an +inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, and she makes confession of her +fault. Subsequently--in a "strong" scene--she recants, alleging that her +confession was a work of creative art, produced in a spasm of spite; and +everybody except the immovable _Blaine_ is vastly relieved. + +But not for long, for she presently recants her recantation. You will +guess that, though a little shaken, we were not in despair, but looked +hopefully for a re-recantation. But you are in error. Her second +confession, though no words passed her lips, was obviously final. And +what induced it? What was the piece of conviction? If you will believe +me, it was just a photograph with which her husband confronted her--an +old photograph of her lover that she mistook for her son's, so close was +the likeness. This was surely a flaw in Mr. VACHELL'S scheme, for it is +unbelievable that she should have hitherto overlooked this fatal +resemblance, even if her attention had not as a fact been called to it +by a garrulous friend at quite an early stage in the proceedings of the +play. + +[Illustration: ROBERT BLAINE EXPERIENCING HOW VERY MUCH SHARPER THAN A +SERPENT'S TOOTH IT IS TO HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE'S THANKLESS CHILD. + + _Robert Blaine_ MR. H. B. IRVING. + _Harry Blaine_ MR. REGINALD OWEN.] + +Another weakness, common enough where an author wants to show a variety +of types and excuses himself from the trouble of assorting them, was to +be seen in the extreme improbability of the friendship between _Blaine_ +and _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_. These two were always staying in one +another's houses yet there never could have been the smallest of tastes +in common between the dour and moody financier and the light-hearted +consumer of lager beer and _delikatessen_. + +But I prefer, if you please, to dwell upon the shining virtues of Mr. +VACHELL'S _Searchlights_. With the exception of an interlude or two of +needless triviality--_Lady Schmaltz's_ sobbing scene, for instance--the +essentials of the tragic theme held us grimly in their grasp. But always +we could find relief in the author's humanity, revealed not only in the +passionate devotion of the mother's heart, but in the persuasive +character of her boy, and the unaffected quality of his relations both +to her and to the girl who wanted his love. + +Mr. VACHELL would be the first to acknowledge, and generously, how much +he owes to the really remarkable performance, as _Mrs. Blaine_, of Miss +FAY DAVIS, who can never before have accomplished so high an +achievement. But the matter was there for her clever hands to shape, and +that was the author's doing. + +Mr. HARRY IRVING'S, too, was a fine performance, though, from the moment +of his entrance, a figure of sinister portent, he lacked all contrast of +light and shade. But, to be just, that was hardly in the part, as +made--deliberately, so it seemed--for those particular methods of which +he is the master. + +As for Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, if all Teutons, naturalized or other, were like +his _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_ (or _Sir Keith Howard_, as he called himself +after the War began, on the principle that the best was good enough for +him) I should have small ground of quarrel with the race. But how this +joyous German ever came to wear a kilt and own a deer-forest I cannot +hope to understand, for there was no hint of Semitic origin in his face +or composition. + +Mr. REGINALD OWEN made a most human soldier-boy, and I shall never want +to meet a Guardsman with a better manner or an easier sense of humour. I +remark, by the way, that young _Blaine_ is the second stage-hero (the +first was in _The Cost_) whom the War has affected in the head. + +Miss MARGERY MAUDE, though she had the rather ungrateful part of a girl +who is quite ready, thank you, to be loved as soon as you feel like it, +played, as always, with a very perfect tact and charm. + +Finally, Miss KATE BISHOP was her dear old self, and Mr. TOM REYNOLDS' +sketch of a solicitor was as bright as it was brief. + +I venture to offer my best compliments both to the cast and to the +author, and to hope that his _Searchlights_ may serve well to pierce the +shadows of the night through which we are passing. + O. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_late gamekeeper_). "MARK OVER!"] + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + + (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +Miss VIOLA MEYNELL brings to her analysis of character an astonishingly +acute observation and insight, an intimate sympathy, a quiet, leavening, +sometimes faintly malicious, humour; and to her synthesis a +conscientious and dexterous artistry in selection and arrangement which +gives a vividly objective reality to her creations. So that you may put +down her _Columbine_ (SECKER) with something like the guilty feeling of +an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon three girls is her main theme, +and it is difficult to overpraise her skill and restraint in the +handling of it. _Lily Peak_, the actress, beautiful, passionless, +incompetent, with her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand +philosophy of living, is a veritable _tour de force_ of characterisation +which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And between this +pretty nonentity and _Jennifer_, the competent, the loyal and the deep, +with her occasional flashes of beauty and her innocent provocativeness, +_Dixon Parrish_, one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded +modern young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. _Alison_, +his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, moves +unquiet on the well-planned background which holds that genially absurd +pseudo-intellectual, her father; the kindly negative _Mrs. Parrish_; +_Gilbert_, _Alison's_ lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits); +the pleasantly pretentious _Madame Barrett_ of the elocution classes; +and "that _Mrs. Smith_," who is only (but adroitly) shown through +_Lily's_ artless chatter. Miss MEYNELL chooses to write chiefly of +little moments in little lives. But she has adequate reserves of power +for bigger work, as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment +on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and meanwhile she has shown +herself mistress of a method singularly skilful and restrained. She does +not describe or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through +the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her characters--the +manifestly excellent way which so few have the wit or the courage to +follow. + + * * * + +_Mr. Leo Brandish_, so Miss PEGGY WEBLING assures me, intends to write +the professional biography of their mutual hero, that notable actor and +admirable gentleman, _Edgar Chirrup_ (METHUEN). In the meantime she has +told us all about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that +he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse are included +in the family portrait, with his children and the wife whom you and I, +and everyone else for that matter, realised was the one for him long +before he did. Some of the other pages in his life were less +satisfactory, more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not +in the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress jogged Fate's +elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy infatuation. If I could not +forget or ever quite understand this episode, neither could "_Chirps_" +himself in the years that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty +that had already won my affections were pleading for his release, with +the ladies (Fate and Miss WEBLING, I mean) collaborating over his +destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any but the happiest of endings +had been in store for the hero and his _Ruth_, for sweeter and simpler +folk have seldom been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public +into arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would seem to be +just that they have been able to catch the qualities of sympathy and +sincerity that belonged in the first case to the manner of the telling +of their story; so perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them +from the start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in +this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. Here is +tenderness without mawkishness, humour without noise, a sufficiency of +action without harshness of outline; most surprising, here is a story, +in which many of the characters are of the Stage, presented with an +entire absence of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed, +one expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean +achievement. And so--my congratulations. + + * * * + +_Through the Ages Beloved_ (HUTCHINSON) might be fairly described as an +unusual story. I am bound to say that I both admired and enjoyed it; but +at the same time a more tangled tale it was never my task to unravel. +For the benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the +plot--whose scene is laid in Japan--is reincarnation. Consequently, +though the hero, _Kanaya_, begins as a modern student who has fought +through the Russo-Japanese war, you must be prepared to find him and +yourself switched suddenly without any warning into the remote past. I +am not quite sure that Mr. H. GRAHAME RICHARDS has been playing the game +here. So unheralded is the transference that even the close and careful +reader will experience some bewilderment; as, for example, when the +heroine, whose own name remains the same in both ages, re-enters with +different parents. As for the skipper, his doom will be confusion +unmitigated. However, once you have found your bearings again, there is +much to admire in the treatment of a time and a place so eminently +picturesque. Mr. RICHARDS' pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the +delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean air, the +colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, a flight of birds +crossing a garden of azaleas--all these are realized with obvious +knowledge and enthusiasm, and more than compensate for the intricacy of +the plot. But this is certainly there. Once only was I myself near +vanquished. This was when the _Kanaya_ of the past, himself the result +of the modern _Kanaya_ hitting his head on a stone, began to hint of +uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian future. Here I +confess that (like _Alice_ and _The Red King_) I longed for some +authoritative pronouncement as to who was the genuine dreamer, and who +would "go out." Still, an original story, and one to be read, even if +with knitting of brows. + + * * * + +[Illustration: THE PASSPORT WITH ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPH SOMETIMES +AROUSES SUSPICION. ONE SELDOM LOOKS LIKE ONESELF IMMEDIATELY AFTER A +ROUGH CHANNEL CROSSING.] + + * * * + +There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as a pot-boiler a +story that, when no longer in its first youth, can enjoy a second +blooming at ten shillings and sixpence net, in its own cardboard box, +and embellished with any quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures. +Yet I fear that this is my impression about _The Money Moon_ (SAMPSON +LOW). I have liked Mr. JEFFREY FARNOL'S other work too well to be able +to accept this at its present sumptuous face-value. You remember no +doubt how _George Bellew_, having been jilted by the girl of his +original choice, set out upon a walking tour; how on the first day of +this expedition he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing +in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant name of +Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at Dapplemere there lived a +small boy, who talked as boys do in books but nowhere else; a lavendery +old lady-housekeeper whose name (need I remind you?) was _Miss +Priscilla_; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. You recall too +how all these charming people took _George_ to their expansive hearts, +and welcomed him as the ideal hero, without apparently once noticing +that he must at the moment (on the author's own showing) have had a +swollen nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. The +whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that in America, where +_The Money Moon_ is at present shining more brightly than with us, there +exists a steady demand for this rather saccharine fiction. So let us +leave it at that. + + * * * + +There must be many persons (I am one of them myself) who, when +confronted with a topical burlesque of _Alice in Wonderland_, would +confess to a little regret. The book is such a treasured joy that one +hates to have any hands, even the cleverest, laid upon it. Yet the deed +is so often done that there is clearly a large public that does not +share this view. Therefore a welcome seems assured for what is +certainly, so far, the wittiest of the attempts, _Malice in Kulturland_ +(THE CAR ILLUSTRATED), written by HORACE WYATT, with pictures by TELL. +The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their task makes me +wish that my personal prejudice had allowed me to appreciate it more +whole-heartedly. Especially neat is the transformation of the _Cheshire +Cat_ into a _Russian Bear_, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a +clever drawing of this). You remember how, at _Alice's_ request, the +_Cat_ kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to grin? The +_Bear_ does the same, "beginning with an official statement, and ending +with a rumour, which was still very persistent for some time +afterwards." Mr. WYATT has certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall +look to see him developing in other and more virgin fields. + + * * * * * + + "CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?" + _Bristol Observer._ +They can be withdrawn with a pin. + + * * * * * + + "An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm, + Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb." + _Yorkshire Evening Post._ + +One would have expected a lion in these martial days. + + + + + Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United. + +On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. +148, February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44179 *** |