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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148,
+February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license
+
+
+Title: Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol. 148, February 17th 1915
+
+Author: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: November 14, 2013 [EBook #44179]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                    PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+                               VOL. 148.
+                           FEBRUARY 17, 1915.
+
+
+
+
+                              CHARIVARIA.
+
+The Turks are now reported to be retiring through the desert, and the
+Germans are realising that you may take a horse to the place where
+there's no water, but you cannot make him drink.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+"Rapid progress," we read, "is being made in the American movement to
+supply soldiers at the battle fronts in Europe with Bibles printed in
+their own languages." We trust that one will be supplied to the KAISER,
+who, if he ever had one, has evidently mislaid it.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Suggested title for Germany and her allies--The Hunseatic League.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+The _Vossische Zeitung_, talking of the proposed blockade, says, "The
+dance will begin on February 18." Germania's toe may not be light, but
+it is fantastic.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+You may know a man by the company he keeps. The KAISER'S friends are now
+the Jolly Roger and Sir ROGER CASEMENT.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Messrs. HAGENBECK, of Hamburg, are sending Major MEHRING, the German
+Commandant at Valenciennes, an elephant. So we may expect shortly to be
+told by wireless that a large Indian body has gone over to the Germans.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Earl GREY, speaking at Newcastle on the War, said that a German
+passenger on the _Vaterland_ remarked to him, "Can you wonder that we
+hunger? We have been hungry for two hundred years and only had one
+satisfying meal--in 1870. We have become hungry again." The pity, of
+course, is that so few Germans can eat quite like gentlemen.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+The Dorsets, we are told, have nicknamed their body belts "the dado
+round the dining-room." In the whirligig of fashion the freeze is now
+being ousted by its predecessor.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Much of the credit for the admirable feeding of our Expeditionary Force
+is due, we learn, to Brigadier-General LONG, the Director of Supplies.
+As a caustic Tommy, pointing to his "dining-room," remarked, "one wants
+but little here below, but wants that little Long."
+
+                                 * * *
+
+The _Deutsche Tageszeitung_ informs its readers that "the men of the
+North Lancashire Regiment recently attempted to force a swarm of bees to
+attack German soldiers, but the bees turned on the British and severely
+stung one hundred and twenty of them." After this success it is reported
+that the Death's Head Hussars are adopting a wasp as a regimental pet.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Talking of regimental pets, the lucky recipient of Princess MARY'S
+Christmas gift that was packed by the QUEEN is Private PET, of the
+Leinster Regiment.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+With reference to the private view of a collapsible hut at the College
+of Ambulance last week it is only fair to say that there is good reason
+to believe that not a few of those already erected will shortly come
+under this description.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+The Russian Minister of Finance, M. BARK, paid a visit to this country
+last week, and it is rumoured that he had an interview with another
+financial magnate, Mr. BEIT, with a view to forming an ideal
+combination.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Says an advertisement of the Blue Cross Fund:--"All horses cared for.
+Nationality not considered." This must save the Fund's interpreters a
+good deal of trouble.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+The Corporation of the City of London reports that diminished lighting,
+so far from increasing the dangers of the City streets, has reduced
+them, the accidents during the past quarter being only 331 as compared
+with 375 a year ago. However, a proposal that the lights shall now be
+entirely extinguished with a view to reducing the casualties to _nil_
+has not yet been adopted.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+A gentleman has written to _The Globe_ to complain that at Charing Cross
+Station there are signs printed in German indicating the whereabouts of
+the booking-office, waiting-room, etc. We certainly think that, while we
+are at war, these ought, so as to confuse the enemy, to point in wrong
+directions.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Germany is now suffering from extreme cold, and the advice to German
+housewives to cook potatoes in their jackets is presumably a measure of
+humanity.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+To Mr. WATT'S enquiry in the House as to how many German submarines had
+been destroyed, Mr. CHURCHILL replied, "The German Government has made
+no return." Let us hope that this is true also of a good few of the
+submarines.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+_Der Tag_, it is announced, is to be withdrawn from the Coliseum. They
+could do with it, we believe, in Germany.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Theatrical folk will be interested to hear that in the Eastern Theatre
+of War there has been furious fighting for the passes.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _Turk._ "I SAY, YOU FELLOWS! DO YOU SEE THE OTHER ALLIES
+ARE POOLING THEIR FUNDS? CAPITAL IDEA!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    "The power of Great Britain and her Allies was increasing daily
+    in strength, whereas the power of her enemies was distinctly on
+    the wane. The existing situation had been brought about without
+    the vest resources of the Empire having yet been called in to
+    play."--_Daily Mail._
+
+Are we to understand, that, so far, we have only called out the socks
+and body-belts?
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    "There is but one survival among the historic shows of the
+    [Crystal] Palace--a portion of the Zoo. The monkeys are asking
+    one another 'What next?'
+
+    A meeting of the directors of the Crystal Palace Football Club
+    is to be summoned to decide on a course of action."
+                                                _The Evening News._
+
+Without wishing to be needlessly offensive to either of these bodies, we
+venture to suggest that they should combine their deliberations.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    "If ... England and France keep the police of the sea with the
+    utmost vigilance, so that no copper at all can reach Germany and
+    Austria, the fate of both Empires seems certain."--_Times._
+
+The land police must be guarded even more vigorously if "no copper at
+all" is to slip over.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          THE GODS OF GERMANY.
+
+    [A certain German hierarch declares that it goes well with his
+    country. He finds it unthinkable that the enemy should be
+    permitted to "trample under foot the fresh, joyous, religious
+    life of Germany."]
+
+  Lift up your jocund hearts, beloved friends!
+    From East and West the heretic comes swooping,
+  But all in vain his impious strength he spends
+    If you refuse to let him catch you stooping;
+        All goes serenely up to date;
+        Lift up your hearts in hope (and hate)!
+
+  Deutschland--that beacon in the general night--
+    Which faith and worship keep their fixed abode in,
+  Shall teach the infidel that Might is Right,
+    Spreading the gospel dear to Thor and Odin;
+        O let us, in this wicked war,
+        Stick tight to Odin and to Thor!
+
+  Over our race these gods renew their reign;
+    For them your piety sets the joy-bells pealing;
+  Louvain and Rheims and many a shattered fane
+    Attest the force of your religious feeling;
+        Not Thor's own hammer could have made
+        A better job of this crusade.
+
+  In such a cause all ye that lose your breath
+    Shall have a place reserved in high Valhalla;
+  And ye shall get, who die a Moslem's death,
+    The fresh young houri promised you by Allah;
+        Between the two--that chance and this--
+        Your Heaven should be hard to miss.
+
+                                              O. S.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                             THE PASSPORT.
+
+"Francesca," I said, "how would you describe my nose?"
+
+"Your nose?" she said.
+
+"Yes," I said, "my nose."
+
+"But why," she said, "do you want your nose described?"
+
+"I am not the one," I said, "who wants my nose described. It is Sir
+EDWARD GREY, the--ahem--Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. In the
+midst of all his tremendous duties he still has time to ask me to tell
+him what my nose is like."
+
+"This," said Francesca, "is the short cut to Colney Hatch. Will
+somebody tell me what this man is talking about?"
+
+"I will," I said. "I am talking about my nose. There is no mystery about
+it."
+
+"No," she said, "your nose is there all right. I can see it with the
+naked eye."
+
+"Do not," I said, "give way to frivolity. I may have to go to France.
+Therefore I may want a passport. I am now filling in an application for
+it, and I find to my regret that I have got to give details of my
+personal appearance, including my nose. I ask you to help me, and all
+you can do is to allude darkly to Colney Hatch. Is that kind? Is it even
+wifely?"
+
+"But why can't you describe it yourself?"
+
+"Don't be absurd, Francesca. What does a man know about his own nose? He
+only sees it full-face for a few minutes every morning when he's shaving
+or parting his hair. If he ever does catch a glimpse of it in profile
+the dreadful and unexpected sight unmans him and he does his best to
+forget it. I give you my word of honour, Francesca, I haven't the
+vaguest notion what my nose is really like."
+
+"Well," she said, "I think you might safely put it down as a loud blower
+and a hearty sneezer."
+
+"I'm sure," I said, "that wouldn't satisfy Sir EDWARD GREY. He doesn't
+want to know what it sounds like, but what it looks like."
+
+"How would 'fine and substantial' suit it?"
+
+"Ye--es," I said, "that might do if by 'fine' you mean delicate----"
+
+"I don't," she said.
+
+"And if 'substantial' is to be equivalent to handsome."
+
+"It isn't," she said.
+
+"Then we'll abandon that line. How would 'aquiline' do? Aren't some
+noses called aquiline?"
+
+"Yes," she said, "but yours has never been one of them. Try again."
+
+"Francesca," I said pleadingly, "do not suggest to me that my nose is
+turned up, because I cannot bear it. I do not want to have a turned-up
+nose, and what's more I don't mean to have one, not even to please the
+British Foreign Office and all its permanent officials."
+
+"It shan't have a turned-up nose, then. It shall have a Roman nose."
+
+"Bravo!" I cried "Bravo! Roman it shall be," and I dipped my pen and
+prepared to write the word down in the blank space on the application
+form.
+
+"Stop!" said Francesca. "Don't do anything rash. Now that I look at you
+again I'm not sure that yours is a Roman nose."
+
+"Oh, Francesca, do not say such cruel, such upsetting things. It must,
+it shall be Roman."
+
+"What," she asked, "is a Roman nose?"
+
+"Mine is," I said eagerly. "No nose was ever one-half so Roman as mine.
+It is the noblest Roman of them all."
+
+"No," she said, with a sigh, "it won't do. I can't pass it as Roman."
+
+"All right," I said, "I'll put it down as 'non-Roman.'"
+
+"Yes, do," she said, "and let's get on to something else."
+
+"Eyes," I said. "How shall I describe them?"
+
+"Green," said Francesca.
+
+"No, grey."
+
+"Green."
+
+"Grey."
+
+"Let's compromise on grey-green."
+
+"Right," I said. "Grey-green and gentle. Sir EDWARD GREY will appreciate
+that. Oh, bother! I've written it in the space devoted to 'hair.'
+However it's easy to----"
+
+"Don't scratch it out," she said. "It's a stroke of genius. I've often
+wondered what I ought to say about your hair, and now I know. Oh, my
+grey-green-and-gentle-haired one!"
+
+"Very well," I said, "it shall be as you wish. But what about my eyes?"
+
+"Write down 'see hair' in their space and the trick's done."
+
+"Francesca," I said, "you're wonderful this morning. Now I know what it
+is to have a real helper. Complexion next, please. Isn't 'fresh' a good
+word for complexion?"
+
+"Yes, for some."
+
+"Another illusion gone," I said. "No matter; I've noticed that people
+who fill up blank spaces always use the word 'normal' at least once. I
+shall call my complexion normal and get it over."
+
+After this there was no further difficulty. I took the remaining blank
+spaces in my stride, and in a few minutes the application form was
+filled up. Having then secured a clergyman who consented to guarantee my
+personal respectability and having attached two photographs of myself I
+packed the whole thing off to the Foreign Office. I have not yet had any
+special acknowledgment from Sir EDWARD GREY, but I take this opportunity
+to warn the French authorities that within a few days a gentleman with a
+non-Roman nose, grey-green and gentle hair, see-hair eyes and a normal
+complexion may be seeking admission to their country.
+                                                            R. C. L.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER.
+
+TEUTON TROUBADOUR (_serenading the fair Columbia_). "IF SHE WON'T LISTEN
+TO MY LOVE-SONGS, I'LL TRY HER WITH A BRICK!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _Bright Youth._ "YES, I'M THINKIN' OF GETTIN' A
+COMMISSION IN SOMETHING. WHAT ABOUT JOININ' THAT CROWD WITH THE JOLLY
+LITTLE RED TABS ON THEIR COLLARS? THEY LOOK SO DOOCID SMART."]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                            THE WATCH DOGS.
+
+                                  XII.
+
+MY DEAR CHARLES,--It must be upwards of a month since you heard from me;
+I trust you have had sleepless nights in consequence. To be honest, I am
+still in England, prepared to go out at a moment's notice, sworn to go,
+medically approved, equipped and trained to go, but (my one weakness)
+never in fact going. War, of course, is not open to any member of the
+public who cares to turn up on the field and proffer his entrance-money;
+it is an invitation show, and we have not yet received our cards.
+
+Poor old Tolley, to whom Armageddon is an intensely personal affair, and
+who interested himself in it from the purely private motives of the
+patriot, in the competitive spirit of the pothunter, or in the wicked
+caprice of the law-abiding civilian lusting to travel abroad without a
+ticket, go shooting without a licence and dabble in manslaughter without
+the subsequent expense of briefing counsel,--poor old Tolley sees a
+personal slight in this, and is quite sure that K. has a down on all of
+us and on himself in particular. He has no difficulty in conceiving of
+the Olympians at the War Office spending five working days and the
+Saturday half-day in deciding what they shall do about US; writing round
+to our acquaintances for our references: "Is Lieut. Tolley honest, sober
+and willing, punctual in his habits, clean in his appearance, an early
+riser and a good plain warrior?" and receiving under confidential cover
+unfavourable answers; and at night in his dreams he sees the SECRETARY
+FOR WAR pondering over our regimental photo and telling himself that
+there are some likely-looking fellows in the front row, but you never
+know what they have got hidden away in the middle; counting up the heads
+and murmuring, as he wonders when he shall send us out, "This year, next
+year, some time--never."
+
+But you, Charles, must be patient with us, supporting us with your good
+will and opinion, and replying to all who remark upon the progress of
+the Allies, "Yes, that's all very well in its way, but you wait till
+Henry gets out and then you'll see _some_ war."
+
+Meanwhile the soldier's life continues with us very much after the
+manner of the schoolboy's. We all pretend to ourselves that we are now
+on terms of complete mutual understanding with the C.O. and the
+Adjutant, but none the less we all study their expressions with great
+care before we declare ourselves at breakfast. There are times for
+jesting and there are times for not jesting; it goes by seasons, fair
+and stormy, and to the wise the Adjutant's face is a barometer. In my
+wilder and more dangerous moods I have felt tempted to tap it and see if
+I couldn't effect an atmospheric change. (In the name of goodness, I
+adjure you, Charles, not to leave this letter lying about; if it gets
+into print I shall lose all my half-holidays for the next three years or
+the duration of the War.)
+
+The other morning I was come for, that is to say I was proceeding
+comfortably with my breakfast at 7.55, when I was touched on the
+shoulder and told that the C.O. would be glad to see me (or rather,
+_would_ see me) at orderly room at eight, a thing which, by the grace of
+Heaven and the continual exercise of low cunning on my part, has never
+happened to me before. At least they might have told me what I had done,
+thought I, as I ran to my fate, gulping down my toast and marmalade, and
+improvising a line of defence applicable to any crime. Believe me, the
+dock is a haven of rest and security compared with orderly, or ordeal,
+room.
+
+When my turn came I advanced to the table of inquisition, came smartly
+to attention, saluted, cleared my throat and said, "Sir!" (The
+correctness of this account is not guaranteed by any bureau.) I then
+cleared my throat again and said, "Sir, it was like this." The C.O.
+looked slightly nonplussed; the Adjutant, who in all his long experience
+of crime had never before seen the accused open his mouth, began to open
+his own. So I pushed on with it. "My defence is this: in the first place
+I did not do it. I wasn't there at the time, and if I had been I
+shouldn't have done it. In the second place I did it inadvertently. In
+the third place it was not a wrong thing to do; and in the fourth place
+I am prepared to make the most ample apology, to have the same inserted
+in three newspapers, and to promise never to do it again."
+
+Orderly room was by now thoroughly restive. "If you take a serious view
+of the matter, Sir," said I, "shoot me now and have done with it. Do not
+keep me waiting till dawn, for I am always at my worst and most
+irritable before breakfast."
+
+When I paused for breath they took the opportunity to inform me, rather
+curtly, I felt, that I had been sent for in order to be appointed to
+look after the rations and billets of a party of sixteen officers
+proceeding to a distance that same day, and I was to dispose
+accordingly. "If I had known that was all," I said to myself, "I'd have
+had my second piece of toast while it was still lukewarm." I then
+withdrew, by request. I found upon enquiry of the Sergeant-Major, who
+knows all things, that the party was to travel by circuitous routes and
+arrive at 7.5 P.M., whereas I, travelling _via_ London, might arrive at
+5 P.M., and so have two odd hours to prepare a home and food for them.
+So into the train I got, and there of all people struck the C.O.
+himself, proceeding townwards on duty. In the course of the journey I
+made it clear to him that, if his boots required licking, I was the man
+for the job.
+
+He smiled indulgently. "Referring to that second piece of toast," he
+began.
+
+I tapped my breast bravely. "Sir, it is nothing," said I.
+
+"When we arrive in London," he said, "you will lunch with me." I
+protested that the honour was enormous, but I was to arrive in London at
+1.30 and must needs proceed at 1.50.
+
+"You will lunch with me," he pursued, adding significantly as I still
+protested, "at the Savoy."
+
+After further argument, "It is the soldier's duty to obey," I said, and
+we enquired at St. Pancras as to later trains. The conclusion of the
+matter was that by exerting duress upon my taxidriver I just caught the
+4.17, which got me to ---- at 7.15, ten minutes after the hungry and
+houseless sixteen.
+
+You don't think this is particularly funny; well, no more did the
+sixteen. But it was a very, very happy luncheon. Remember that we have
+subsisted on ration beef and ration everything else for some months, and
+you will believe me when I tell you that, upon seeing a menu in French
+(our dear allies!), opening with _creme_ and concluding with _Jacques_,
+we told the waiter to remove the programme and give us the foodstuffs.
+"Start at the beginning," said the C.O., "and keep on at it till you
+reach the end. Then stop."
+
+"Stop, Sir?" I asked.
+
+"Ay, stop," said he, "and begin all over again" ... and so when we got
+to the last liqueur, I held it up and said, "Sir, if I may, your very
+good health," meaning thereby that I forgave him not only all the harsh
+things he has said to me in the past, but even all the harsher things he
+proposes to say to me in the future.
+
+From the monotony of training we have only occasional relief in the
+actual, as for instance when we are kept out of bed all night, Zepping.
+But this is a poor game, Charles; there is not nearly enough sport in it
+to satisfy the desires of a company of enthusiasts, armed with a rifle
+and a hundred rounds of ball ammunition apiece. We feel that the officer
+of the day, who inspects the shooting party at 9.30 P.M. and then sends
+it off about its business, is trifling with tragic matter when he tells
+us: "Now, remember; no hens!"
+                                                  Yours ever, HENRY.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: LESSONS FROM THE NATURAL WORLD.
+
+_The Shirker._ "NICE BIRD! SAY 'POLLY SCRATCH A POLL!'"
+
+_The Bird._ "JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    "The battle that has been raging for several months has now
+    ended in a distinct triumph for the high-necked corsage."
+                                                   _Tatler._
+
+Good. Now we can devote our attention to the other war on the Continent.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _Village Wit_ (_to victim of ill-timed revelry_).
+"WOTCHER, WILLIAM? HOW WAS JOFFER WHEN YOU LEFT?"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          OXFORD IN WAR TIME.
+
+  Who that beheld her robed in May
+    Could guess the change that six months later
+  Has brought such wondrous disarray
+      Upon his _alma mater?_
+
+  Distracted by a world-wide strife,
+    The calm routine of study ceases;
+  And Oxford's academic life
+      Is broken all to pieces.
+
+  No more the intellectual youth
+    Feeds on perpetual paradoxes;
+  No longer in the quest of truth
+      The mental compass boxes.
+
+  Gone are the old luxurious days
+    When, always craving something subtler,
+  To BERGSON'S metaphysic maze
+      He turned from SAMUEL BUTLER.
+
+  Linked by the brotherhood of arms
+    All jarring coteries are blended;
+  Mere cleverness no longer charms;
+      The cult of Blues is ended.
+
+  The boats are of their crews bereft;
+    The parks are given up to training;
+  The scanty hundreds who are left
+      All at the leash are straining.
+
+  And grave professors, making light
+    Of all the load of _anno domini_,
+  Devote the day to drill, the night
+      To CLAUSEWITZ and JOMINI.
+
+  While those who feel too old to fight
+    Full nobly with the pen are serving
+  To weld conflicting views of right
+      In one resolve unswerving.
+
+  No more can essayists inveigh
+    Against the youth of Oxford, slighting
+  Her "young barbarians all at play,"
+      When nine in ten are fighting,
+
+  And some, the goodliest and the best,
+    Beloved of comrades and commanders,
+  Have passed untimely to their rest
+      Upon the plains of FLANDERS.
+
+  No; when two thousand of her sons
+    Are mustered under Freedom's banner,
+  None can declaim--except the Huns--
+      Against the Oxford manner.
+
+  For lo! amid her spires and streams,
+    The lure of cloistered ease forsaking,
+  The dreamer, noble in her dreams,
+      Is nobler in her waking.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                           "Lest we forget."
+
+In these days, when we have to be thankful that our country has not,
+like Belgium and France, been overrun by savages, the greater mercies we
+receive are apt to obscure the less. But Swansea does not forget the
+smaller mercies. According to a recent issue of _The South Wales Daily
+Post_, "The Swansea Town F.C. are coming for the second time to St.
+Nicholas' Church, Gloucester Place, Swansea, on Sunday evening next, at
+6.30, when the directors, committee and the two full teams have promised
+to attend the service, that, in the words of the Rev. PERCY WESTON, will
+be in the nature of a "thanksgiving service for their good fortune
+against Newcastle United"."
+
+Our compliments to the Rev. PERCY WESTON, pastor of this pious and
+patriot flock.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                            WHAT I DEDUCED.
+
+                         BY A GERMAN GOVERNESS.
+
+    [Extracts from a book which is, no doubt, having as large a sale
+    in Germany as _What I Found Out_, by an English Governess, is
+    having in this country.]
+
+I shall never forget my arrival at the house of my new employers. Into
+the circumstances which forced me to earn my living as a governess in a
+strange country I need not now go. Sufficient that I had obtained a
+situation in the house of a Mr. Brigsworth, an Englishman of high
+position living in one of the most fashionable suburbs of London. "Chez
+Nous," The Grove, Cricklewood, was the address of my new home, and
+thither on that memorable afternoon I wended my way.
+
+"The master and mistress are out," said the maid. "Perhaps you would
+like to go straight to the nursery and see the children?"
+
+"Thank you," I said, and followed her upstairs. Little did I imagine the
+amazing scene which was to follow!
+
+In the nursery my two little charges were playing with soldiers; a tall
+and apparently young man was lying on the floor beside them. At my
+entrance he scrambled to his feet.
+
+"Stop the battle a moment," he said, "while we interrogate the invader."
+
+"I am Fraeulein Schmidt," I introduced myself, "the new governess."
+
+"And I," he said with a bow, "am Lord Kitchener. You have arrived just
+in time. Another five minutes and I should have wiped out the German
+army."
+
+"Oh shut up, Uncle Horace, you wouldn't," shouted one of the boys.
+
+It was Lord Kitchener! He had shaved off his heavy moustache, and by so
+doing had given himself a deceptive appearance of youth, but there could
+be no doubt about his identity. Horatio Herbert Kitchener, the great
+English War Lord! In the light of after-events, how instructive was this
+first meeting!
+
+"What is the game?" I asked, hiding my feelings under a smile. "England
+against Germany?"
+
+"England and Scotland and Ireland and Australia and a few others. We
+have ransacked the nursery and raked them all in."
+
+So even at this time England had conceived the perfidious idea of
+forcing her colonies to fight for her!
+
+"And some Indian soldiers?" I asked, nodding at half-a-dozen splendid
+Bengal Lancers. It struck me even then as very significant; and it is
+now seen to be proof that for years previously England had been plotting
+an invasion of the Fatherland with a swarm of black mercenaries.
+
+Lord Kitchener evidently saw what was in my mind, and immediately
+exerted all his well-known charm to efface the impression he had
+created.
+
+"You mustn't think," he said with a smile, "that the policy of the
+Cabinet is in any way affected by what goes on at 'Chez Nous.' Although
+Sir Edward Grey and I----"
+
+He broke off suddenly, and, in the light of what has happened since,
+very suspiciously.
+
+"Have you had any tea?" he asked. His relations with the notorious Grey
+were evidently not to be disclosed.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+I met Lord Kitchener on one other occasion, but it is only since England
+forced this war upon Europe that I have seen that second meeting in its
+proper light.
+
+I had been out shopping, and when I came back I found him in the garden
+playing with the children. We talked for a little on unimportant
+matters, and then I saw his eye wandering from me to the drawing-room. A
+soldier had just stepped through the open windows on to the lawn.
+
+"Hallo," said Lord Kitchener, "it's Johnny."
+
+As the latter came up Lord Kitchener smacked him warmly on the back.
+
+"Well," he said, "my martial friend, how many Germans have you killed?"
+Then seeing that his friend appeared a little awkward he introduced him
+to me. "Fraeulein Schmidt, this is one of our most famous warriors--Sir
+John French."
+
+I could see that Sir John French was taken aback. He had evidently come
+down to discuss secretly the plan of campaign against a defenceless and
+utterly surprised Germany, which their friend and tool, Sir Edward Grey,
+was to put in motion--and forthwith a German governess had been let into
+the secret! No wonder he was annoyed! "You silly ass," he muttered, and
+became very red and confused.
+
+Lord Kitchener, however, only laughed.
+
+"It's all right," he said; "Fraeulein Schmidt is Scotch. You can talk
+quite freely in front of her."
+
+It was the typical British attitude of contempt for the possible enemy.
+But General French showed all that stubborn caution which was afterwards
+to mark his handling of the British mercenaries, and which is about to
+cost him so dearly.
+
+"Don't be a fool, Horace," he mumbled, and relapsed into an impenetrable
+silence.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+Mr. Brigsworth's mother, who lived with them, was a most interesting old
+lady. She seemed to be in the secrets of all the Royal Family and other
+highly placed personages, and told me many interesting things about
+them. "Ah, my dear," she would say, "they tell us in the papers that
+King George is shooting at Windsor, but----" and then she would nod her
+head mysteriously. "He's a _working_ king," she went on after a little.
+"He doesn't waste his time on _sport_." In the light of after-events it
+is probable that she was right; and that when His Majesty George the
+Fifth was supposed to be at Windsor he was in reality in Belgium,
+looking out for sites for the notorious British siege-guns which have
+murdered so many of our brave soldiers.
+
+In this connection I must relate one extraordinary incident. Young Mrs.
+Brigsworth had an album of celebrated people in the British political
+and social world. She was herself distantly connected, she told me,
+through her mother's people, with several well-known Society families,
+and it interested her to collect these photographs and paste them into a
+book. One day she was showing me her album, and I noticed that, on
+coming to a certain page, she turned hurriedly over, and began
+explaining a group on the next page very volubly.
+
+"What was that last one?" I asked. "Wasn't it Mr. Winston Churchill?"
+
+"Oh, that was nothing," she said quickly. "I didn't know I had that one;
+I must throw it away."
+
+However, she had not been quick enough. I had seen the photograph; and
+events which have happened since have made it one of extraordinary
+significance.
+
+It was a photograph of the First Lord of the Admiralty at Ostend in
+bathing costume!
+
+As soon as I was left alone I turned to the photograph. "The First Lord
+amuses himself on his holiday" were the words beneath it. "Amuses
+himself!" Can there be any doubt in the mind of an impartial German that
+even then England had decided to violate the neutrality of Belgium, and
+that Mr. Churchill was, when photographed, examining the possibilities
+of Ostend as a base for submarines?
+
+No wonder Mrs. Brigsworth had hurriedly turned over the page!
+
+                                                            A. A. M.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    "When the war was declared, 25,000 Bedouins were recruited in
+    Hebrun, but they were without food for three days and returned
+    to their homes saying this was not a Holy War."--_Peshawar Daily
+    News_.
+
+Their actual words were: "This is a----" well, _not_ a Holy War.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _Art Patron (to R.A.)._ "WE'VE LOST SO MUCH SINCE THE WAR
+THAT WE'VE COME TO ASK IF YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO KEEP THIS PORTRAIT OF MY
+WIFE AS CLEOPATRA."]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                            CHALK AND FLINT.
+
+  Comes there now a mighty rally
+    From the weald and from the coast,
+  Down from cliff and up from valley,
+    Spirits of an ancient host;
+  Castle grey and village mellow,
+    Coastguard's track and shepherd's fold,
+  Crumbling church and cracked martello
+    Echo to this chant of old--
+          Chant of knight and chant of bowman:
+          _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman
+            In the valiant days of old!_
+
+  Screaming gull and lark a-singing,
+    Bubbling brook and booming sea,
+  Church and cattle bells a-ringing
+    Swell the ghostly melody;
+  "Chalk and flint, Sirs, lie beneath ye,
+    Mingling with our dust below!
+  Chalk and flint, Sirs, they bequeath ye
+    This our chant of long ago!"
+          Chant of knight and chant of bowman,
+          Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:
+          _Kent and Sussex feared no foeman
+            In the days of long ago!_
+
+  Hills that heed not Time or weather,
+    Sussex down and Kentish lane,
+  Roads that wind through marsh and heather
+    Feel the mail-shod feet again;
+  Chalk and flint their dead are giving--
+    Spectres grim and spectres bold--
+  Marching on to cheer the living
+    With their battle-chant of old--
+          Chant of knight and chant of bowman,
+          Chant of squire and chant of yeoman:
+          _Witness Norman! Witness Roman!
+          Kent and Sussex feared no foeman
+            In the valiant days of old._
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                        "WHO FORBIDS THE BANDS?"
+
+Those who wish to give practical expression to the approval of the
+scheme for raising Military Bands to encourage recruiting--the subject
+of one of _Mr. Punch's_ cartoons of last week--are earnestly invited to
+send contributions to the LORD MAYOR at the Mansion House. Further
+information may be obtained at the offices of "Recruiting Bands," 16,
+Regent Street, S.W.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+From a schoolboy's essay on the War:--
+
+    "When the Germans lose a few ships they make rye faces."
+
+This kind of face comes, we believe, from the eating of the official
+War-bread.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+Hint to the Germans at St. Mihiel:--
+
+  "Alas! what boots it with incessant care
+  To strictly meditate the thankless Meuse?"
+                                            _Milton: "Lycidas."_
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _Bobbie_ (_as his father exhibits his new Volunteer
+uniform_). "WELL! MOTHER--I SAY! THIS BRINGS WAR HOME TO US, DOESN'T
+IT?"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          OUR PERSONAL COLUMN.
+
+Many of the other papers have a Personal Column. Why should not _Mr.
+Punch_ have one?
+
+He shall.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+MLLE. FORGETMENOT bien arrivee a Londres le 14 Fevrier. Ou est M.
+Valentin?
+
+                                 * * *
+
+K.--Qte uslss apply frthr. Am absltly brke. Try yr uncl.--M.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+JEHOSHAPHAT.--Will all Jehoshaphats combine to send bridge tables to the
+Front for use of brave boys? Subscriptions, limited to L10 each, should
+be sent to Jehoshaphat Downie, Esq., 25, Sun Row, Chelsea.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+FLORENCE.--I was there and waited from 1.30 till midnight. Cannot do
+this often as I have tendency to pneumonia.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+WILL anyone lend young man L500 on note of hand alone to enable him to
+procure clothes in which to present himself at recruiting office?
+Nothing but shabbiness of his wardrobe keeps him from enlisting.--Box
+41, Office of this paper.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+FOUND in neighbourhood of the Adelphi.--An Iron Cross, evidently awarded
+by the KAISER. Initials upon it, "G. B. S." The owner is anxiously
+invited to apply for it in person.--E. G., Foreign Office.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+SHIRTS for our troops at the Front are still urgently needed. Please
+send needles, cotton and material to Sister Susie, Drury Lane Theatre,
+W.C. All persons desiring to sing about her activities should note that
+the song is not published by Brothers Boosey but by another firm.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+LOST, Wednesday, February 10th, between Acton and Blackheath, a
+one-pound note, signed by John Bradbury.--Anyone returning the same to
+X, at the Widowers' Club, will receive 1/- reward and no questions
+asked.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+SMITH.--Will everyone named Smith at once send a sovereign to John
+Smith, Esq., 103, Old Jewry, E.C.? Patriotic purpose to which money will
+be put will be explained later.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+WIFE of popular actor now serving in France would much appreciate the
+loan of a London house, with servants and motor car thrown in.--Box 81,
+Office of this paper.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+A.B.C.--Please make no further effort to meet me. The depth of my
+loathing for you can never be expressed in words, at least not in this
+column.--J.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+POLLIES.--Will all the Pollies of England kindly help a poor Polly to
+continue her lessons in voice production.--Write POLLY, 2, Birdcage
+Walk.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+TO OFFICERS and MEN whose letters contain good vivid accounts of
+picturesque occurrences at the Front. _The Daily Inexactitude_ places no
+limit on the writer's imagination.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+YOUNG MAN, full of fun and robust health, who has failed in everything
+he has yet undertaken and does not approve of warfare, would like
+situation as gamekeeper and rabbit-killer to wealthy absentee
+landowner.--Apply Box 29, Office of this paper.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    The _Berlin Lokal-Anzeiger_, speaking of the four Turks who
+    succeeded in crossing the Suez Canal and who have since been
+    taken prisoners, says: "It is to be hoped that the four gallant
+    Turkish swimmers will now do good work in Egypt."
+
+We have no doubt that work will be found for them and that the prison
+authorities will shield them from the dangers of a life of indulgent
+idleness.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: "SOUND AND FURY."
+
+KAISER. "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?"
+
+ADMIRAL VON TIRPITZ. "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE."
+
+KAISER. "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+                (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.)
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, 8th February._--Debate on Army Estimates
+prefaced by statement from PRIME MINISTER casting gleam of lurid light
+on a War of which this is the 190th day. Answering a question he said
+the total number of British Army casualties in the Western area of the
+War is approximately 104,000 of all ranks. This, of course, does not
+include the death-roll in the Navy, a heavy tale of losses due far more
+to mine and submarine than to fair fights on the open sea. But standing
+alone it is not much less than one-half of the number of men, including
+Militia, voted in the Waterloo year now dead a century. Numerically a
+trifle compared with the huge gaps made in ranks of the enemy.
+Nevertheless it represents sufficiently appalling sacrifice, chargeable
+to the account of one man's whim.
+
+[Illustration: "EXCEEDING THE WILDEST DREAMS OF MARLBOROUGH OR
+WELLINGTON."]
+
+Army Estimates for year, introduced by TENNANT in a speech equally lucid
+and discreet, unique in their Parliamentary aspect. With an Army on
+active service and in training exceeding in number the wildest dreams of
+MARLBOROUGH or WELLINGTON, the aggregate sum asked for is L15,000. Seems
+odd since, as UNDER SECRETARY FOR WAR in interesting aside stated, the
+Army costs more in a week than the total estimate for the Waterloo
+campaign, which stands on record at the modest sum of L6,721,880.
+
+This only a little official joke designed partly to relieve tension of
+critical times, chiefly to throw dust in eyes of enemy. Idea of Germany
+cherished at War Office is that she is a sort of innocent Little Red
+Riding Hood whose legitimate curiosity may be evaded either by
+withholding information or mystifying it by administration of small
+doses dealt out at safe intervals of time. Hence the Press Bureau, which
+to-night came in for rough handling from both sides of House.
+
+[Illustration: "IDEA OF GERMANY CHERISHED AT WAR OFFICE IS THAT SHE IS A
+SORT OF INNOCENT LITTLE RED RIDINGHOOD."]
+
+If usual detailed account of expenditure on Army were set forth, the
+German General Staff would know exactly what was in front of them in
+respect of reinforcement of the "contemptible little army" which seven
+months ago embarked upon a crusade more self-sacrificing, more glorious
+than any recorded in the story of Britain. Failing that, they naturally
+know nothing and will go on blundering in the dark.
+
+Accordingly Votes submitted to-night were what the Treasury calls
+"token" estimates, each thousand pounds of the fifteen representing
+untold millions to be expended on various services of the War. On this
+understanding, Committee, practically without debate, amidst stern but
+quietly expressed determination to go on to the end at whatever cost,
+voted an establishment of three million men.
+
+_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee of Supply.
+
+_Tuesday._--For first time since reassembling House sat up to closing
+hour, 11 o'clock. Discussion of Army Estimates resumed. Committee has
+advantage of WALTER LONG'S lead of Opposition. Shrewd, tactful,
+conciliatory. Among miscellaneous Questions coming up was condition of
+some of the huts contracted for by War Office. WALTER LONG associated
+himself with sharp criticism offered from various quarters.
+
+The MEMBER FOR SARK regrets that engagement out of town prevented his
+taking part in the discussion.
+
+"I happen to know something at first hand about the matter," he says. "I
+spend my week-ends in a district which, lying on direct route for the
+Front, swarms with detachments of recruits in training. In the late
+autumn, huts were built for their accommodation. Quite nice comfortable
+things to look at. Some stand on desirable sites overlooking land and
+sea.
+
+"All very well as long as autumn weather lasted. But the winter told
+another tale. Season exceptionally wet. Sinful rottenness of these
+so-called habitations speedily discovered. Rain poured through the roofs
+as if they were made of brown paper. Nor was that all, though our poor
+fellows found it sufficient. When wind blew with any force it carried
+the rain through the walls of the huts, formed of thin laths, in some
+cases overlapping each other by not more than a quarter of an inch.
+Pitilessly rained upon in their beds, the men dressing for morning
+parade found their khaki uniforms and underclothing soaking wet. After
+this had been stood for a week or ten days, the huts were condemned and
+the recruits billeted upon inhabitants of neighbouring town.
+
+"This not mere gossip, you understand. Circumstances simply related to
+me by the men themselves, some interrupting narrative with fits of
+coughing inevitable result of nightly experience. Nor were they
+complaining. Just mentioned the matter as presumably unavoidable episode
+in preliminary stage of career of men giving up all and risking their
+lives to save their country.
+
+"What I want to know is, What has been done in particular cases such
+as this that must have come under notice of War Office? Have the
+contractors got clear away without punishment, or have they been made
+to disgorge? FINANCIAL SECRETARY TO WAR OFFICE stated in course of
+debate that average cost of these encampments amounted to L13 per
+man. In cases where huts are condemned, is the sorely-burdened but
+cheerfully-suffering taxpayer finding the money all over again, or is
+the peccant contractor made to stump up?"
+
+_Business done._--Still harping on Army Estimates.
+
+_House of Lords, Thursday._--Death of Lord LONDONDERRY, buried to-day
+near his English home, Wynyard Park, universally regretted. A strong
+Party man, he had no personal enemies in the Opposition ranks, whether
+in Lords or Commons. Unlike some distinguished Peers, notably Lord
+ROSEBERY, he enjoyed advantage, inestimable in public life, of serving
+an apprenticeship in the House of Commons, where he sat six years for
+the Irish constituency which his famous forebear represented in the
+Irish Parliament. He was born into politics. His earliest conviction,
+thorough as were all he entertained, was one of distrust for DON JOSE,
+who at the time when he sat in the House of Commons was carrying through
+the country the fiery cross of The Unauthorised Programme.
+
+This feeling later replaced by dislike of GLADSTONE, who in the year
+after Lord CASTLEREAGH, at the age of thirty-two, succeeded to the
+Marquisate, brought in his Home Rule Bill.
+
+That was the turning point in LONDONDERRY's public life. Hitherto he had
+toyed with politics as part of the recreation of a wealthy aristocrat.
+Thenceforward he devoted himself heart and soul to withstanding the
+advance of Home Rule, which he lived long enough to see enacted, Death
+sparing him the pang of living under its administration.
+
+In his devotion to the fighting line rallied against Home Rule he was
+encouraged and sustained by a power behind the domestic throne perhaps,
+as has happened in historical cases, more dominant than its occupant.
+_Cherchez la femme._ Londonderry House became the spring and centre of
+an influence that had considerable effect upon political events during
+more than a quarter of a century.
+
+LONDONDERRY's cheery presence will be missed in the Lords. His memory
+will be cherished as that of one who fought stoutly for causes sacred to
+a large majority of his peers.
+
+_Business done._--PREMIER made promised statement on subject of food
+prices. Debate following was adjourned.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ENEMY HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+1. "ACH! HIMMEL!--A SHELL!"
+
+2. !!!
+
+3. "GREAT KRUPPS!--WHAT IS IT?"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          A Flower of Speech.
+
+    "Mr. Asquith stated in the House of Commons this afternoon that
+    the Government were considering taking more stringent measures
+    against German trade as a consequence of the latter's fragrant
+    breach of the rules of war."--_Star._
+
+Fragrant is the parliamentary way of putting it.
+
+                                 * * *
+    "German Togoland, whose aspirations towards nationality have
+    been again aroused by the recent promises of the Czar, is
+    destined to be for us part of a new European state under the
+    protection of Russia."
+                                  _Leader_ (_B. E. Africa_).
+
+The fate of German Pololand in Africa will be decided in our next.
+
+                                 * * *
+    "Mr. Murphy asked what would be the cost of doing these works.
+
+    Surveyor--I cannot say vbgkqis shr me."
+                                           _Wicklow Newsletter._
+
+Neither can we, but we should never have thought of mentioning it to Mr.
+MURPHY at this juncture.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _Chorus from the trench._ "WHAT 'AVE YOU GOT THERE, TOM?"
+
+_Tom_ (_bringing in huge Uhlan_). "SOUVENIR."]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                        A TERRITORIAL IN INDIA.
+
+                                   V.
+
+MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Our Battalion has gone. It has called back to the
+ranks all but a few of its soldier clerks. Even as I write it is racing
+through the darkness across the Indian plains to its new station. I can
+almost hear the grinding thunder of the wheels; the thud of men sleeping
+on the seats as they roll off and crash upon men sleeping on the floors;
+the pungent oaths mingling with the shriek of the engine whistle ... and
+I am left behind in the Divisional Staff Office and attached to another
+Territorial unit just arrived from England. Woe is me!
+
+I paid a last visit to the barracks to see my comrades before they left.
+They were well and cheerful, but all suffering from a singular delusion.
+When I expressed regret that I was not accompanying them owing to the
+fact that my services could not be spared from the Office, they all
+assured me with perfect gravity that this was not the real explanation
+of my being left behind. While I have been plying the pen, they, it
+appears, have reached such a state of military proficiency that to
+re-introduce me into the ranks at this stage would have had a most
+disintegrating effect upon the _moral_ of the entire Battalion.
+
+It was hard on me, they were prepared to admit, but efficiency must come
+first. When, very shortly, they march down _Unter den Linden_ I must
+surely recognise how very disastrous it would be for me to be there with
+my rifle at an unprofessional slope. It would be so noticeable in the
+pictures afterwards.
+
+They were all full of kindly commiseration about my future. They, of
+course, will presently be leaving for the Front. England will ring from
+end to end with the story of their prowess. In six weeks they will have
+beaten the Germans to a standstill. Then--best of all--they will return
+home, covered with glory and medals, to be received with frantic
+demonstrations of joy, affection and adulation.
+
+Several years later, I gather, I may (if exceptionally lucky) return to
+England unhonoured and unsung, with indelible inkstains on my fingers
+and three vaccination marks on my left forearm as my only mementoes of
+the Great War. On the other hand, having got fairly into the grip of the
+Indian Government, it is quite likely that I shall end my days here.
+
+Perceiving my chagrin at this prospect, one of them generously promised
+to present me with a few Iron Crosses which he anticipates collecting on
+the battlefield. But this gift, he was at pains to point out, was
+contingent upon the very improbable circumstance of my surviving plague,
+dysentery, enteric, smallpox, heat apoplexy, snakebite and other perils
+of a prolonged sojourn in India.
+
+In the immediate future I can unfortunately see for myself that my
+prospects are of the gloomiest. When I mildly suggested to my Colour
+Sergeant that he should send me my pay by post each week from the new
+station, he stared at me fixedly and reminded me with unnecessary and
+offensive emphasis that I was now attached to another regiment, and that
+he had finally and thankfully washed his hands of all responsibility
+concerning me. When I sought out my new Colour, he informed me even more
+emphatically that I was merely attached to his company for disciplinary
+purposes and that it was blooming well useless for me to look to him for
+pay. So there I am.
+
+It is the same with rations. None were sent for me this morning. It is
+tolerably certain that none will be sent to-morrow.
+
+Ah, well, it will be a sad and disappointing end to a promising career,
+won't it, Mr. Punch? I feel sure if Lord KITCHENER knew the facts of the
+case he would do something about it. Perhaps you could approach him on
+the matter. Still, I have read somewhere that life can be supported on
+four bananas a day. I can get eight bananas for an anna here, and I have
+Rs. 1, As. 7, P. 2 remaining in my money belt. I leave you to work it
+out.
+
+I remember now that a wandering Punjabi fortune-teller revealed to me at
+Christmas that I should live to be 107. That was one of his best points.
+He also told me that I should be married three times and have eleven
+children; that I had a kind heart; that a short dark lady was interested
+in my career; that the KAISER would be dethroned next June; and that
+fortune-telling was a precarious means of livelihood and its professors
+were largely dependent upon the generosity of wealthy _sahibs_ such as
+myself. Wealthy!
+
+But he was a true prophet in one particular. He foretold that I should
+shortly be unhappy on account of a parting.
+
+Seriously, Mr. Punch, it was hard to say good-bye to all my friends; it
+is not cheering to reflect now that they are a thousand miles away, amid
+fresh and fascinating scenes, about to undergo novel and wonderful
+experiences from which I am debarred. But there is one lesson which the
+Army teaches very efficiently--that, whatever one's personal feelings,
+orders have to be obeyed without question.
+
+And I suppose they also serve who only sit and refer correspondents to
+obscure sub-sections and appendices of Army Regulations, India.
+                                                Yours ever,
+                                         ONE OF THE _PUNCH_ BRIGADE.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: FOR NEUTRAL NATIONS.
+
+BRITANNIA STILL SITTING ON THE COPPER.]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                             THE COLLECTOR.
+
+Once upon a time there was an Old Gentleman who lived in a Very
+Comfortable Way; and some of his Neighbours said he was Rich and others
+that, at any rate, he was Well Off, and others again that at least he
+had Considerable Private Means. And when the Great War broke out it was
+clear that he was much too Old to fight, and he wasn't able to speak at
+Recruiting Meetings on account of an Impediment in his Speech, and he
+had no Soldiers billeted upon him, because there were no Soldiers there,
+and he could not take in Belgian Refugees because he lived on the East
+Coast--so he just read the Papers and pottered about the Garden as he
+used to do before.
+
+But after a time it was noticed that he began to "draw in," as his
+Neighbours said. First he gave up his Motor, and when his Gardener
+enlisted he didn't get Another; and he never had a Fire in his Bedroom.
+And his Neighbours, on thinking it over, concluded that he had been Hard
+Hit by the War. But None of them knew how.
+
+Then he began to travel Third Class and gave up Smoking Cigars. And they
+thought he was waiting till the Stock Exchange opened.
+
+Then they noticed that he got no new Clothes and his old ones were not
+so smart as they used to be. And as the Stock Exchange was open by now
+they began to believe that he must have become a Miser and was getting
+meaner as he got older. And they all said it was a Pity. But he went on
+reading the Papers and pottering round the Garden much as before.
+
+And the Tradespeople found that the Books were not so big as they used
+to be, and they began to say that it was a Pity when people who had
+Money didn't know how to spend it.
+
+But the Truth is that they were all wrong; he was a Collector. That was
+how the Money went.
+
+He never told anyone about his Collection, but he kept it in the Top
+Drawer of his Desk till it got too big and overflowed into the Second
+Drawer, and then into the Third, and so on.
+
+He was quite determined that his Collection should be complete and
+should contain Every Sound Specimen--that was partly why he kept reading
+the Papers. But he didn't mind having Duplicates as long as they had
+Different Dates. There was one Specimen of which he got a Duplicate
+every Week.
+
+One of his Rules was never to allow any Specimen into his Collection
+unless it had a Stamp on it.
+
+It was quite a New Sort of Collection. It was made up of Receipts from
+the People who were running All The Different War Funds.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          THE SOLDIER'S COAT.
+
+After his ample dinner, William sank into the big chair before the fire,
+and with a book on his knee became lost in thought.
+
+He woke half-an-hour later to observe that Margaret was knitting.
+
+"It's sheer waste of time," he told her, "to make anything of wool that
+colour."
+
+"Is it?" she asked sweetly.
+
+"If there's no more khaki or brown wool left in the shops, you should
+make something of flannel. Any self-respecting soldier would rather be
+frost-bitten to death a dozen times than wear a garment of pink wool."
+
+"Do you think so?" asked Margaret, smiling.
+
+"Besides, you really ought to stick to the beaten track--belts, mufflers
+and mittens. Nobody wants ear-muffs."
+
+"This is going to be a coat," she said, holding it up and surveying it
+with satisfaction.
+
+"A coat?--that handful of pink, a coat? That feeble likeness of an
+egg-cosy, a coat? A pink woollen coat for a British soldier! My poor
+friend over there in the trenches, whoever you are, may Heaven help you!
+And may Heaven forgive you, Margaret, for this night's work!"
+
+"I shan't finish it to-night--it'll take days. And he'll be very proud
+of it, I know."
+
+"Who will?"
+
+"The soldier-boy will. Bless his heart; he's a born fighter--anyone can
+see it with half an eye. Mabel says----"
+
+"Oh, one of Mabel's pals, is it? Well, what's Donald doing to allow
+Mabel to take such an interest in this precious soldier-boy who is
+prepared to be proud of a coat of soft pink wool? Who is the idiot?"
+
+"He's no idiot, and his name's Peter," said Margaret.
+
+"Peter! Peter what?"
+
+"Dear old thing, I wish you'd pull yourself together, and try to realise
+that you have been an uncle for at least three weeks. Donald and Mabel
+are going to call him 'Peter'--didn't I tell you?"
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    "South Wales. Safe Southern shelter from shells and
+    shrapnel."--_Advt. in "The Times."_
+
+Just the place for our shy young sister
+Susie to sew shirts for soldiers in.
+
+    "On the outbreak of war M. F. van Droogenbroeck, an engineer,
+    joined the Belgian Flying Corps, and did most useful work, being
+    complimented by his King for his invention of a new kind of
+    aircomb."
+                                                 _Daily Mirror._
+
+Our own 'air-comb is the old kind with a couple of spikes missing.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         THE KEEP-IT-DARK CITY.
+
+    [Even the more obscure of the American papers often contain
+    important news of the doings of the British army many days
+    before the Censor allows the information to be published in
+    England.]
+
+  I am told that few exploits are finer
+    Than a battle our Blankshires have won,
+  So bring me _The Michigan Miner_,
+    For I'm anxious to read how 'twas done;
+  If _The Miner_'s not easy to hit on,
+    Get _The Maryland Trumpet_; it treats
+  Of a story that's kept, to the Briton,
+    As dark as the Westminster streets!
+
+  As our soldiers from north of the Border
+    Some vital positions have stormed,
+  Put _The Oregon Message_ on order
+    To keep me completely informed!
+  One moment! I've just heard a rumour
+    That the Germans' whole front has been cleft--
+  Quick! Rush for _The Tennessee Boomer_;
+    Heaven grant that a copy is left!
+
+  Each day in this keep-it-dark city,
+    Officials, to us, seem unkind
+  To censor such news without pity,
+    But, of course, they've an object in mind;
+  For a man, when his spirits touch zero
+    Through a natural yearning for facts,
+  Will enlist, and _himself_ be a hero
+    Where no one can censor his ACTS!
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _First Patriot._ "AH! I SEE YOU HAVEN'T YET CHANGED THE
+NAME OF YOUR EAU-DE-COLOGNE."
+
+_Second Patriot._ "PARDON ME, MADAM. I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF
+LABELLING MY NEW SUPPLY 'COLOGNE WATER.'"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                         AN ESSAY IN CRITICISM.
+
+O authors, remember to join your flats!
+
+The novel was going splendidly. I had been revelling in it. I was
+sitting in one chair, with my feet in another, not far from the fire,
+plunged in the story, when all of a sudden my pleasure went.
+
+It was in Chapter xvii., where the young doctor takes a taxi and rushes
+up to the actress's flat so as to be there first, before Lord
+Burlington. You must understand that the young doctor is newly in
+practice and has the greatest difficulty in making both ends meet. Well,
+it says that he sprang from the cab and was half-way up the stairs in a
+moment. That was all right, but the point is that he stayed two hours
+hunting for the missing letter. Now this is a very exciting passage,
+because we know that the detective may be here any minute, and Lord
+Burlington is coming too, and if either of them--well, the point is
+that, owing to the author forgetting to make the young doctor pay the
+taxi-man, all my pleasure went.
+
+I am not unduly economical, but I hate downright waste, and here was the
+taximeter ticking all through the rest of that chapter and the next, and
+further still. Had it been Lord Burlington's cab I should have cared
+less, for he was rich; had it been the detective's I should not have
+cared at all, because the driver might have gone to Scotland Yard for
+his money. But the young doctor was so poor, and sooner or later he
+would have to come out of the flat again, and then he would be caught
+and faced with an impossible bill; and this got on my nerves.
+
+As I say, the story was frightfully exciting just there, but I found
+myself, instead of participating in the excitement, saying, "Another
+twopence"; "Twopence more"; "It must be four shillings by now," "Five
+shillings," and so on. Not even when the face of the Chinaman appeared
+at the window--he had climbed up the water-pipe and had a dagger in his
+teeth--could I really concentrate. "Seven-and-six by now," was all I
+said.
+
+The result was that the effect of the book was lost on me and I cared
+nothing for what happened to any one. The taximeter ticked through every
+subsequent page. Long after we got away from London altogether and the
+young doctor was on his way to Hong Kong, racing the detective, I still
+heard the taximeter ticking; just because the man had never been paid.
+It ticked through the wedding bells; and it ticked through the
+strangling of Lord Burlington in one of the Adelphi arches, with which
+the story closes.
+
+And that is why I say, O authors, remember to join your flats.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                        The Slump in Prussians.
+
+                          (SORTES VERGILIANAE.)
+
+                       "_Procumbit humi Bosch._"
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                              AT THE PLAY.
+
+                            "SEARCHLIGHTS."
+
+The title was not, of course, meant to deceive, for Mr. VACHELL is an
+honest man; and anyhow the critics, for that is their business, would be
+swift to disillusionize the public; but in our permissible state of
+suspicion, the audience might easily be led to suppose from the word
+"Searchlights," combined with the early appearance of an imported Teuton
+in the person of _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_, that spy-work was in the air.
+But the genial domesticity of this naturalized Scot quickly disposed of
+our unworthy apprehensions, and we soon learned that his _provenance_
+had no bearing upon the issue.
+
+That issue was concerned with a question of paternity, whose acuteness
+happened to be contemporaneous with that of the present European crisis.
+I say "happened"; for here again I cast no reflection upon Mr. VACHELL'S
+intent, or suggest that the war-element in his play was introduced as an
+afterthought into his original scheme. If it was, which I doubt, then
+the patchwork was cleverly concealed; and my only complaint must be of a
+certain obscurity in the relation between the two patterns in his
+design. For if the title implied that the effect of the War was to throw
+a searchlight into the dark places of the human heart (as distinguished
+from its influence upon our City streets), I do not think that in the
+case of _Robert Blaine's_ heart, if he had one, the author has made this
+operation sufficiently clear.
+
+Mrs. Blaine had a grown-up son, born after five years of barren wedlock,
+who was the object of her husband's profound detestation. After some
+twenty years--a little late, perhaps, in the day, but the author wished
+us to be present when he did it--_Robert Blaine_, at a moment when his
+wife is trying to get her boy out of a tight corner, declares an
+inveterate doubt of his fatherhood, and she makes confession of her
+fault. Subsequently--in a "strong" scene--she recants, alleging that her
+confession was a work of creative art, produced in a spasm of spite; and
+everybody except the immovable _Blaine_ is vastly relieved.
+
+But not for long, for she presently recants her recantation. You will
+guess that, though a little shaken, we were not in despair, but looked
+hopefully for a re-recantation. But you are in error. Her second
+confession, though no words passed her lips, was obviously final. And
+what induced it? What was the piece of conviction? If you will believe
+me, it was just a photograph with which her husband confronted her--an
+old photograph of her lover that she mistook for her son's, so close was
+the likeness. This was surely a flaw in Mr. VACHELL'S scheme, for it is
+unbelievable that she should have hitherto overlooked this fatal
+resemblance, even if her attention had not as a fact been called to it
+by a garrulous friend at quite an early stage in the proceedings of the
+play.
+
+[Illustration: ROBERT BLAINE EXPERIENCING HOW VERY MUCH SHARPER THAN A
+SERPENT'S TOOTH IT IS TO HAVE SOMEBODY ELSE'S THANKLESS CHILD.
+
+                _Robert Blaine_      MR. H. B. IRVING.
+                _Harry Blaine_       MR. REGINALD OWEN.]
+
+Another weakness, common enough where an author wants to show a variety
+of types and excuses himself from the trouble of assorting them, was to
+be seen in the extreme improbability of the friendship between _Blaine_
+and _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_. These two were always staying in one
+another's houses yet there never could have been the smallest of tastes
+in common between the dour and moody financier and the light-hearted
+consumer of lager beer and _delikatessen_.
+
+But I prefer, if you please, to dwell upon the shining virtues of Mr.
+VACHELL'S _Searchlights_. With the exception of an interlude or two of
+needless triviality--_Lady Schmaltz's_ sobbing scene, for instance--the
+essentials of the tragic theme held us grimly in their grasp. But always
+we could find relief in the author's humanity, revealed not only in the
+passionate devotion of the mother's heart, but in the persuasive
+character of her boy, and the unaffected quality of his relations both
+to her and to the girl who wanted his love.
+
+Mr. VACHELL would be the first to acknowledge, and generously, how much
+he owes to the really remarkable performance, as _Mrs. Blaine_, of Miss
+FAY DAVIS, who can never before have accomplished so high an
+achievement. But the matter was there for her clever hands to shape, and
+that was the author's doing.
+
+Mr. HARRY IRVING'S, too, was a fine performance, though, from the moment
+of his entrance, a figure of sinister portent, he lacked all contrast of
+light and shade. But, to be just, that was hardly in the part, as
+made--deliberately, so it seemed--for those particular methods of which
+he is the master.
+
+As for Mr. HOLMAN CLARK, if all Teutons, naturalized or other, were like
+his _Sir Adalbert Schmaltz_ (or _Sir Keith Howard_, as he called himself
+after the War began, on the principle that the best was good enough for
+him) I should have small ground of quarrel with the race. But how this
+joyous German ever came to wear a kilt and own a deer-forest I cannot
+hope to understand, for there was no hint of Semitic origin in his face
+or composition.
+
+Mr. REGINALD OWEN made a most human soldier-boy, and I shall never want
+to meet a Guardsman with a better manner or an easier sense of humour. I
+remark, by the way, that young _Blaine_ is the second stage-hero (the
+first was in _The Cost_) whom the War has affected in the head.
+
+Miss MARGERY MAUDE, though she had the rather ungrateful part of a girl
+who is quite ready, thank you, to be loved as soon as you feel like it,
+played, as always, with a very perfect tact and charm.
+
+Finally, Miss KATE BISHOP was her dear old self, and Mr. TOM REYNOLDS'
+sketch of a solicitor was as bright as it was brief.
+
+I venture to offer my best compliments both to the cast and to the
+author, and to hope that his _Searchlights_ may serve well to pierce the
+shadows of the night through which we are passing.
+                                                               O. S.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+[Illustration: _Tommy_ (_late gamekeeper_). "MARK OVER!"]
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                          OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+              (_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+Miss VIOLA MEYNELL brings to her analysis of character an astonishingly
+acute observation and insight, an intimate sympathy, a quiet, leavening,
+sometimes faintly malicious, humour; and to her synthesis a
+conscientious and dexterous artistry in selection and arrangement which
+gives a vividly objective reality to her creations. So that you may put
+down her _Columbine_ (SECKER) with something like the guilty feeling of
+an eavesdropper. Love in its effect upon three girls is her main theme,
+and it is difficult to overpraise her skill and restraint in the
+handling of it. _Lily Peak_, the actress, beautiful, passionless,
+incompetent, with her irrelevant banality, and her second-hand
+philosophy of living, is a veritable _tour de force_ of characterisation
+which cleverly avoids the easy pit of caricature. And between this
+pretty nonentity and _Jennifer_, the competent, the loyal and the deep,
+with her occasional flashes of beauty and her innocent provocativeness,
+_Dixon Parrish_, one of those self-analytic, essentially cool-blooded
+modern young men, wavers to the tragic hurt of all the three. _Alison_,
+his sister, full of moodiness and passionate preoccupations, moves
+unquiet on the well-planned background which holds that genially absurd
+pseudo-intellectual, her father; the kindly negative _Mrs. Parrish_;
+_Gilbert_, _Alison's_ lover (the least satisfactory of the portraits);
+the pleasantly pretentious _Madame Barrett_ of the elocution classes;
+and "that _Mrs. Smith_," who is only (but adroitly) shown through
+_Lily's_ artless chatter. Miss MEYNELL chooses to write chiefly of
+little moments in little lives. But she has adequate reserves of power
+for bigger work, as passages of warm colour placed with a fine judgment
+on her low-toned canvas abundantly prove, and meanwhile she has shown
+herself mistress of a method singularly skilful and restrained. She does
+not describe or explain or soliloquise. All her points are made through
+the speech, the actions or the expressed thought of her characters--the
+manifestly excellent way which so few have the wit or the courage to
+follow.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+_Mr. Leo Brandish_, so Miss PEGGY WEBLING assures me, intends to write
+the professional biography of their mutual hero, that notable actor and
+admirable gentleman, _Edgar Chirrup_ (METHUEN). In the meantime she has
+told us all about the man himself, at least as far as the last page that
+he has turned, the one where the dogs and the rocking-horse are included
+in the family portrait, with his children and the wife whom you and I,
+and everyone else for that matter, realised was the one for him long
+before he did. Some of the other pages in his life were less
+satisfactory, more particularly those on which Fate had inscribed, not
+in the most convincing fashion (but perhaps the authoress jogged Fate's
+elbow), the history of his sudden unworthy infatuation. If I could not
+forget or ever quite understand this episode, neither could "_Chirps_"
+himself in the years that followed, when the lovableness and loyalty
+that had already won my affections were pleading for his release, with
+the ladies (Fate and Miss WEBLING, I mean) collaborating over his
+destiny. It would indeed be pitiful if any but the happiest of endings
+had been in store for the hero and his _Ruth_, for sweeter and simpler
+folk have seldom been persuaded by any writer to smile a genial public
+into arm-chair content. And the secret of their charm would seem to be
+just that they have been able to catch the qualities of sympathy and
+sincerity that belonged in the first case to the manner of the telling
+of their story; so perhaps, after all, nothing but good was meant them
+from the start. At any rate from first to last there is not a page in
+this book that is not sweet, wholesome and entirely readable. Here is
+tenderness without mawkishness, humour without noise, a sufficiency of
+action without harshness of outline; most surprising, here is a story,
+in which many of the characters are of the Stage, presented with an
+entire absence of limelight or any other vulgarity. All this, indeed,
+one expects from the title-page; but none the less it is no mean
+achievement. And so--my congratulations.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+_Through the Ages Beloved_ (HUTCHINSON) might be fairly described as an
+unusual story. I am bound to say that I both admired and enjoyed it; but
+at the same time a more tangled tale it was never my task to unravel.
+For the benefit of future explorers I will say that the motive of the
+plot--whose scene is laid in Japan--is reincarnation. Consequently,
+though the hero, _Kanaya_, begins as a modern student who has fought
+through the Russo-Japanese war, you must be prepared to find him and
+yourself switched suddenly without any warning into the remote past. I
+am not quite sure that Mr. H. GRAHAME RICHARDS has been playing the game
+here. So unheralded is the transference that even the close and careful
+reader will experience some bewilderment; as, for example, when the
+heroine, whose own name remains the same in both ages, re-enters with
+different parents. As for the skipper, his doom will be confusion
+unmitigated. However, once you have found your bearings again, there is
+much to admire in the treatment of a time and a place so eminently
+picturesque. Mr. RICHARDS' pen-pictures of Japanese scenery have all the
+delicate beauty of paintings upon ivory. The clear, clean air, the
+colour of sunrise flushing some exquisite landscape, a flight of birds
+crossing a garden of azaleas--all these are realized with obvious
+knowledge and enthusiasm, and more than compensate for the intricacy of
+the plot. But this is certainly there. Once only was I myself near
+vanquished. This was when the _Kanaya_ of the past, himself the result
+of the modern _Kanaya_ hitting his head on a stone, began to hint of
+uneasy visions pointing to a remote Port-Arthurian future. Here I
+confess that (like _Alice_ and _The Red King_) I longed for some
+authoritative pronouncement as to who was the genuine dreamer, and who
+would "go out." Still, an original story, and one to be read, even if
+with knitting of brows.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+[Illustration: THE PASSPORT WITH ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPH SOMETIMES
+AROUSES SUSPICION. ONE SELDOM LOOKS LIKE ONESELF IMMEDIATELY AFTER A
+ROUGH CHANNEL CROSSING.]
+
+                                 * * *
+
+There seems some lack of proper respect in describing as a pot-boiler a
+story that, when no longer in its first youth, can enjoy a second
+blooming at ten shillings and sixpence net, in its own cardboard box,
+and embellished with any quantity of the liveliest coloured pictures.
+Yet I fear that this is my impression about _The Money Moon_ (SAMPSON
+LOW). I have liked Mr. JEFFREY FARNOL'S other work too well to be able
+to accept this at its present sumptuous face-value. You remember no
+doubt how _George Bellew_, having been jilted by the girl of his
+original choice, set out upon a walking tour; how on the first day of
+this expedition he fought a bloody battle with a carter, about nothing
+in particular, and arrived at a village with the significant name of
+Dapplemere. You will not have forgotten that at Dapplemere there lived a
+small boy, who talked as boys do in books but nowhere else; a lavendery
+old lady-housekeeper whose name (need I remind you?) was _Miss
+Priscilla_; and a maiden as fair as she was impoverished. You recall too
+how all these charming people took _George_ to their expansive hearts,
+and welcomed him as the ideal hero, without apparently once noticing
+that he must at the moment (on the author's own showing) have had a
+swollen nose and probably two black eyes. No, I repeat my verdict. The
+whole thing is too easy. I understand, however, that in America, where
+_The Money Moon_ is at present shining more brightly than with us, there
+exists a steady demand for this rather saccharine fiction. So let us
+leave it at that.
+
+                                 * * *
+
+There must be many persons (I am one of them myself) who, when
+confronted with a topical burlesque of _Alice in Wonderland_, would
+confess to a little regret. The book is such a treasured joy that one
+hates to have any hands, even the cleverest, laid upon it. Yet the deed
+is so often done that there is clearly a large public that does not
+share this view. Therefore a welcome seems assured for what is
+certainly, so far, the wittiest of the attempts, _Malice in Kulturland_
+(THE CAR ILLUSTRATED), written by HORACE WYATT, with pictures by TELL.
+The ingenuity with which the parodists have handled their task makes me
+wish that my personal prejudice had allowed me to appreciate it more
+whole-heartedly. Especially neat is the transformation of the _Cheshire
+Cat_ into a _Russian Bear_, seen everywhere in the wood (there is a
+clever drawing of this). You remember how, at _Alice's_ request, the
+_Cat_ kindly obliged with a gradual disappearance from tail to grin? The
+_Bear_ does the same, "beginning with an official statement, and ending
+with a rumour, which was still very persistent for some time
+afterwards." Mr. WYATT has certainly a pretty turn of wit, which I shall
+look to see him developing in other and more virgin fields.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+                      "CAN WINKLES BE ELIMINATED?"
+                                                 _Bristol Observer._
+They can be withdrawn with a pin.
+
+                               * * * * *
+
+    "An ewe, owned by Mr. Sydney Crowther, of Oak View Farm,
+    Plompton, near Harrogate, has given birth to a lamb."
+                                   _Yorkshire Evening Post._
+
+One would have expected a lion in these martial days.
+
+
+
+
+                           Transcriber Notes:
+
+Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
+
+Passages in bold were indicated by =equal signs=.
+
+Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
+
+Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of
+the speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
+
+The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
+paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus
+the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in
+the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the
+same in the List of Illustrations and in the book.
+
+Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
+unless otherwise noted.
+
+On page 127, a quotation mark was added after Newcastle United.
+
+On page 140, a quotation mark was added before "It must be four".
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or The London Charivari, Vol.
+148, February 17th 1915, by Owen Seaman
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, VOL. 148, FEBRUARY 17TH 1915 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 44179.txt or 44179.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/7/44179/
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
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