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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44099 ***
+
+                       HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS,
+
+                              CONTAINING
+                      ALL THE LEADING CONUNDRUMS
+                                  OF
+                               THE DAY,
+                       AMUSING RIDDLES, CURIOUS
+                               CATCHES,
+                                  AND
+                            WITTY SAYINGS.
+
+                           A COMPLETE BOOK.
+
+                               New York:
+                       FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,
+                           24 UNION SQUARE.
+
+
+      Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1900, by
+                             FRANK TOUSEY,
+             in the Office of the Librarian of Congress at
+                           Washington, D. C.
+
+
+
+
+How to Solve Conundrums.
+
+
+What games are most played by soldiers? Hazard and picket!
+
+How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G--pig without an I!
+
+Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land (whole
+island).
+
+What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, the
+other tidy.
+
+Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common
+tatur.
+
+What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?
+The drum.
+
+High-toned--a church bell.
+
+When is a soldier like a carpenter? When he is going to drill.
+
+When does a farmer have the best opportunity of overlooking his pigs?
+When he has a sty in his eye!
+
+Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it's at the end of pork!
+
+Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle?
+Because he departs from his sphere of action.
+
+If a Colt's pistol has six barrels, how many ought a horse pistol to
+have? Give it up.
+
+If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A
+bee-attitude!
+
+What prevents a running river running right away? Why, it's tied up!
+
+What was the color of the wind and waves in a storm? The wind blue--the
+waves rose.
+
+A modern spinning-wheel--the bicycle.
+
+How can you, by changing the pronunciation of a word only, turn mirth
+into crime? By making man's laughter man-slaughter!
+
+Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go
+off in transports!
+
+State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and
+an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar? One weighs a pound, the
+other pounds away.
+
+Why is a rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by
+conducting it with good spirits, he has more bargains than most others,
+and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.
+
+Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity?
+Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto
+them!
+
+What is the best day for making pan-cakes? Fri-day!
+
+Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly
+squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass!
+
+What word is it which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own
+opposite? United; untied.
+
+Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets?
+Because he has picked-yours (pictures)!
+
+Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both
+occasioned the fall of man.
+
+Inform us concerning the difference which exists between a soldier
+fighting in battle and one who has had his legs shot off? One will
+discharge his musket, the other mus' get his discharge.
+
+Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up!
+
+What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain.
+
+What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A pack
+of cards.
+
+What is the difference between a horse who, being entered for a race,
+is withdrawn, and one who starts in a race and is beaten? One fails to
+start, and the other starts to fail.
+
+What is that thing, and the name of a bird, which, if we had not, we
+should die? A swallow.
+
+What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a
+sty in his eye! A castle in the (h)air!
+
+What word it is of only three syllables which combines in it twenty-six
+letters? Alphabet.
+
+If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be
+reminded of? A pair!
+
+What flowers are there between a lady's nose and chin? Two-lips!
+
+O and P run a race; we bet upon O, but P wins; why are we then like
+the fragrant Latakiah which is given us when we ask for the homely
+bird's-eye? Because it was wrong tobacco (to back O).
+
+Why is a woman's beauty like a ten-dollar greenback? Because when once
+changed it soon goes!
+
+What part of Spain does our cat, sleeping by herself on the hearth-rug,
+resemble? Cat-alone here! (Catalonia).
+
+Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use till it's
+broken.
+
+Why is a fashionable woman like a successful gambler? Because she has
+such winning ways.
+
+When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on
+without his "club!"
+
+A member of the Travelers' wants to know what dish he must have ordered
+for dinner to be like one journeying to Tangier? We say he must be
+going to Africa see ('ave fricassee).
+
+Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver till
+her beau comes, and can't go off without one.
+
+What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title? A
+Dutch--S.
+
+When is a secret like a paint-brush? When it's in violet (inviolate).
+
+Why is green grass like a mouse? Because the cattle eat it (cat'll eat
+it).
+
+Why is tea more generally drunk now than a year or two back?
+Because, having got rid of the garroters, we are less accustomed to
+choke-o'-late (chocolate).
+
+When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.
+
+    There's a word composed of three letters alone
+      Which reads backwards and forwards the same;
+    It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,
+      And to beauty lays principal claim!
+
+                Eye.
+
+Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence
+of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth.
+
+Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first _u_ in "cucumber?" Because
+it's between two seas.
+
+What Christian name, besides Anna, reads the same both ways? Hannah.
+
+When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it is _smoked_.
+
+A Fiddle D.D.--A doctor of divinity who plays the violin.
+
+Why is a whisper like a forged $5 note? Because it's uttered--but not
+aloud (allowed).
+
+What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n.
+
+Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis).
+
+When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He
+gets wet!
+
+When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When
+asked, "What o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she replies,
+"Sure it's ate!"
+
+Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.
+
+What, oh! what is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your
+addresses.
+
+What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.
+
+When does a man have to keep his word? When no one will take it.
+
+When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_.
+
+Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows)
+everything?
+
+Why is the French cook at the Union Club like a man sitting on the
+top of a shot-tower? Because they are both in a high cool an' airy
+(culinary) situation!
+
+Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss.
+
+Talking about colts (pistols, revolvers, etc.), how is it that guns can
+kick when they have no legs? Why, they kick with their breeches, of
+course.
+
+What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip!
+
+Who were your grandfather's first cousin's sister's son's brother's
+forefathers? Why, his aunt's sisters, of course (ancestors).
+
+What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky!
+
+When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously obtained.
+
+Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The
+wind--"Over the hills and far away!"
+
+Why is a youth encouraging a mustache like a cow's tail? Because he
+grows down.
+
+What contains more feet in winter than in summer? A skating-rink.
+
+When may you be said to literally "drink in" music? When you have a
+piano for tea.
+
+If you were invited to an assembly, what single word would call the
+musicians to their posts, and at the same time tell you the hour to
+begin dancing? At ten dance (attendance).
+
+What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same?
+Oroonoko.
+
+What is the difference between homicide and pig-sticking? One is
+assault with intent to kill, the other a kill with intent to salt.
+
+Why do rusty iron spikes on a wall remind you of ice? Because they are
+so often called a "shiver de freeze."
+
+Why is a room full of married folks like a room empty? Because there is
+not a single person in it.
+
+What is that which makes everything visible, but is itself unseen?
+Light.
+
+    My first's a dirty little brute,
+      My second's at the end on't;
+    My third, like many an honest man,
+      Is on a fool dependent.
+
+          Pig-tail.
+
+Why does the lightning turn milk sour? Because it doesn't know how to
+conduct itself.
+
+Why was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company.
+
+What are the most disagreeable articles for a man to keep on hand?
+Hand-cuffs.
+
+Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are locomotive engines
+like? The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).
+
+Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the
+center of gravity.
+
+Do you know what the _oldest_ piece of furniture in the world is? The
+multiplication-table!
+
+An old maid's laugh--he! he! he!
+
+Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing eye no better than
+an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.
+
+What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an
+impression.
+
+What's the difference between a professional piano-forte player and one
+that hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play.
+
+What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's
+got one to wag.
+
+What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the
+expulsion? Adam ain't in! (adamantine.)
+
+    My number, definite and known,
+      Is ten times ten, told ten times o'er;
+    Though half of me is one alone,
+      And half exceeds all count and score.
+
+          Thou-sand.
+
+At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve.
+
+Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and
+destroy patients.
+
+What is the proper length for ladies' crinoline? A little above two
+feet.
+
+What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs!
+
+Why is a hog in a parlor like a house on fire? Because they both want
+puttin' out.
+
+Why is our meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and
+colors beautifully!
+
+What three figures, multiplied by 4, will make precisely 5? 1 1-4, or
+1.25.
+
+Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing!
+
+Why is a magnificent house like a book of anecdotes? It has generally
+some good stories in it.
+
+Do you know the soldier's definition of a kiss? A report at
+head-quarters!
+
+Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons!
+
+The downward path--The one with a banana-skin on it.
+
+Hair'em-scare'em--Bangs.
+
+Always happy to meat friends--Butchers.
+
+A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug.
+
+A sky-light--the sun.
+
+Companions in arms--Twins.
+
+A thing that no family should be without--A marriage certificate.
+
+A faux pas--Her father.
+
+A Jersey waste--Newark flats.
+
+Called bonds--Marriage ties.
+
+Invisible blew--The wind.
+
+Bachelors haul--An heiress.
+
+    Faithful to beauty's charms and grace,
+    The form of loveliness I trace;
+    But ev'ry blemish I detect,
+    And point out every defect.
+    Though long a fav'rite with the fair,
+    I sometimes fill them with despair.
+    But still I'm consulted ev'ry day
+    By the old and young--the sad, the gay;
+    All fly to me, so fam'd for truth,
+    Uninfluenced by age or youth;
+    For I neither flatter nor defame;
+    So now, I think, you'll guess my name.
+
+        A looking-glass.
+
+Why is a man for whom nothing is good enough like a hyena galloping?
+Because he's a fast-hideous (fastidious) beast.
+
+Why is riding fast up a steep ascent like a little dog's female puppy
+suffering from the rheumatism? Because it is a gal-pup-ill (gall(_o_)p
+up (_h_)ill.
+
+What is a dogma--not a dog ma--a dogma? An opinion laid down with a
+snarl.
+
+Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin.
+
+Ah! but how did the sandwiches get there? Because Ham was sent there,
+and his followers mustard (mustered) and bre(a)d.
+
+Why is the Hebrew persuasion the best of all persuasions? Because it is
+one that admits of no gammon.
+
+What is the most ancient mention made of a banking transaction? When
+Pharaoh got a check on the Red Sea Bank, which was crossed by Moses.
+
+Why are greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the produce of
+Abraham.
+
+What parts of what animals are like the spring and autumn gales? The
+equine hocks (equinox).
+
+    Two gamblers were sitting
+      Striving to cheat each other,
+    And, by a cunning trick, my _last_
+      Had raised a fearful bother.
+    The one who lost he looked my _first_,
+      But he who won assumed my _whole_,
+    Which little did the luckless one
+      Amid his bitter grief console.
+    Since both were rogues, we will not screen them--
+    There was not my _second_ to choose between them.
+
+            Grim-ace.
+
+Who was hung for not wearing a wig? Absalom.
+
+Which eat most grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are
+more of them.
+
+What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and
+a sculptor? One curls up and dies, and the other makes faces and busts.
+
+What is the difference between a mother with a large family and a
+barber? One shaves with his razors, and the other raises her shavers.
+
+    My love for you will never know
+      My _first_, nor get my _second_:
+    'Tis like your wit and beauty, so
+      My _whole_ 'twill aye be reckoned.
+
+          End-less.
+
+When does a gourmand find it impossible to bridle--we ought, perhaps,
+to say curb--his appetite? When he wants a bit in his mouth out of a
+saddle of mutton.
+
+    May my _first_ never be lost in my _second_,
+    To prevent me enjoying my _whole_.
+
+        Friend-ship.
+
+Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is
+impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well!
+
+Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by falling
+due (dew).
+
+Why are plagiarists like Long Branch hotel-keepers with newly-married
+couples? Because they are accustomed to seaside dears (seize ideas),
+and to make the most out of them that is possible!
+
+    Cut off my head, and singular I am;
+    Cut off my tail, and plural I appear;
+    Cut off both head and tail, and, wondrous fact,
+    Although my middle's left, there's nothing there.
+    What is my head?--a sounding sea;
+    What is my tail?--a flowing river;
+    In ocean's greatest depths I fearless play,
+    Parent of sweetest sounds though mute forever.
+
+        Cod.
+
+Why is a dog's tail a great novelty? Because no one ever saw it before.
+
+Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though
+the Queen can make a man appear (a peer), she can't make him apparent
+(a parent).
+
+Why is the Prince of Wales, musing on his mother's government, like a
+rainbow? Because it's the son's (sun's) reflection on a steady reign
+(rain)!
+
+Why was Louis Phillippe like a very wet day? Because he rained
+(reigned) as long as he could, and then--mizzled!
+
+When Louis Phillippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his
+subjects? Because, whilst he only lost a crown, they lost a sovereign.
+
+Why is the final letter in Europe like a Parisian riot? Because it's an
+E-mute.
+
+What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a
+crown.
+
+    Without my _first_ no man nor beast could live.
+    It was my _second_ who my _first_ did give;
+    And now vain man assumes my _second's_ name,
+    And to my _first_ makes his resistless claim.
+    Oh, luckless they who feel the harsh control,
+    When cold and heartless proves my grasping _whole_.
+
+                    Land-lord.
+
+Why are ballet-women so wicked? Because they are never content until
+they execute their pas.
+
+Give a good definition for cant? Spirits of whine!
+
+In what respect do modern customs differ materially from ancient ones?
+Formerly they were hewers of wood and drawers of water; now we have
+drawers of wood and ewers of water!
+
+Why does a man who has been all his life a hewer of wood, that is, a
+wood-cutter, never come home to dinner? Because he's not only bre(a)d
+there, but he's always a chop(p)in' the wood!
+
+Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?"
+Because he thought he was a good feller!
+
+What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou? And it
+wilted.
+
+What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as, when burned, they're
+ashes still.
+
+If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say?
+Tre-mend-us!
+
+And when is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored
+(board) from its length!
+
+What did the rose say to the sun? Blow me!
+
+Ah! but what did the sun say to the rose? You be blowed!
+
+What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-nets!
+
+Why is the Ohio river like a drunken man? Because it takes in too much
+Monongahela at Pittsburgh, runs past Wheeling, gets a Licking opposite
+Cincinnati, and falls below Louisville.
+
+When is the Hudson river good for the eyes? When it's eye (high) water.
+
+    My _first_ she was a serving-maid--
+      She went to fetch some tea;
+    How much she brought my _second_ tells,
+      As plainly as can be.
+
+    Now when you have the answer found,
+      Name it to others too;
+    My _whole_ is just the very thing,
+      In telling them, you'll do.
+
+              Ann-ounce.
+
+Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In
+Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England,
+on the Thames, they have lighter-men.
+
+What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly Society, a
+Sandwich, and Madeira.
+
+Tell us the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the
+moment!
+
+And, per contra, when does a man sit down to a melancholy--we had
+nearly said melon-cholic--dessert? When he sits down to whine and to
+pine.
+
+Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? A sly friend promptly
+replies, "Why, in the dark, of course."
+
+Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.
+
+Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied)
+the heavens since the creation.
+
+Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s, in both.
+
+What is that which, supposing its greatest breadth to be four inches,
+length nine inches, and depth three inches, contains a solid foot? A
+shoe.
+
+What pomatum do you imagine a woman with very pretty feet uses for her
+hair? Neet-foot-oil.
+
+Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the soul
+(sole) of it.
+
+Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in
+sauciness.
+
+If a gentleman asked his lady-love to take one kind of wine, while he
+drank another, what two countries would he name? Port-you-gal, I'll
+have White (Portugal--Isle of Wight).
+
+Why should a teetotaler not have a wife? Because he can't sup-porter.
+
+What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A
+pig's-tye, of course.
+
+Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are
+so accustomed to keep their noses above water.
+
+How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of
+black? Buy the above quantities in New York, and send them up to
+Yonkers.
+
+Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman
+going up to Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of
+the crater!
+
+What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead!
+
+Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two
+fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).
+
+A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three;
+how was this? He had two--and one smelt!
+
+    Suppose we begin with my _second_ TRANSPOSED,
+      A comical way of beginning,
+    But many a horse that starts last in the race
+      Is first at the post for the winning.
+
+    Well, my _second_ transposed, is a terrible snare;
+      It has broken the hearts of a million or more,
+    Has put rags on the back, filled asylums and jails,
+      And driven my _whole_ from the door.
+
+    Now, if you would my _first_ (teetotalers say),
+      The victims of sorrow and wrong,
+    Set them an example, the curse throw away,
+      Your joy will be great, and your life will be long.
+
+            Bless-ing.
+
+Who would travel fastest--a man with one sack of flour on his back, or
+a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, if they were empty, when
+they would be lighter than a _sack of flour_.
+
+Why should there be a marine law against whispering? Because it is
+privateering (private hearing), and consequently illegal.
+
+My first is the cause of my second, and my whole ought never to be
+broken, though unless it be holy, and be kept so, you can't keep it at
+all? Sunday.
+
+On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside!
+
+Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it's
+past-your-age (pasturage).
+
+Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur).
+
+What is that thing which we all eat and all drink, though it is often a
+man and often a woman? A toast!
+
+What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it!
+
+As we are told that A was not always the first letter of the alphabet,
+please tell us when B was the first? In the days of No-a!
+
+Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.
+
+Why is it right B should come before C? Because we _must_ B before we
+can C.
+
+Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.
+
+Why are two T's like hops! Because they make beer better.
+
+Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate.
+
+Why is good gas like a true lover? Because it burns with a pure flame.
+
+Which are the best kind of agricultural fairs? Farmers' daughters.
+
+Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck.
+
+Why is a good anecdote like a public bell? Because it is often tolled
+(told).
+
+What sport does gossiping young ladies remind you of? Deer(s) talking.
+
+What is that which is always in visible yet never out of sight? The
+letter I.
+
+Why is a man in poverty like a seamstress? Because he is obliged to
+make shifts.
+
+Why are all policemen well behaved and polite? Because they are civil
+officers.
+
+Why is a rifle a very insignificant weapon? Because it is within a _t_
+of being a trifle.
+
+Why is the history of England like a wet season? Because it is full of
+reigns (rains).
+
+Why should battle-fields be very gay places? Because balls and routs
+are common there.
+
+When do we make a meal of a musical instrument? When we have a piano
+for-te(a).
+
+Why is a rheumatic person like a glass window? Because he is full of
+pains (panes).
+
+Why are the fixed stars like wicked old people? Because they
+scintillate (sin till late).
+
+Why is the profession of a dentist always precarious? Because he lives
+from hand to mouth.
+
+Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the
+understandings of his patrons.
+
+Where does a similarity exist between malt and beer? In the taxing of
+the one and fining of the other.
+
+Why may turnkeys be said to have extraordinary powers of digestion?
+Because they bolt doors.
+
+When is a river not a river? When it is high (eye) water.
+
+Why is a very plain, common-place female a wonderful woman? Because she
+is an extraordinary one.
+
+Why is your eye like a schoolmaster using corporal punishment? Because
+it has a pupil under the lash.
+
+Why is a beautiful woman bathing like a valuable submarine machine?
+Because she is a diving belle (bell).
+
+Why is a cabman, whatever his rank, a very ambitious person? Because he
+is always looking for a hire (higher).
+
+Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in
+payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.
+
+Why is a horse constantly ridden and never fed not likely to be
+starved? Because he has always a bit in his mouth.
+
+Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English
+and French? Because they were all lies (allies).
+
+Why is a tiger hunted in an Indian jungle, like a piece of presentation
+plate? Because it is chased and charged by the ounce.
+
+Why is a man going to be married like a felon being conducted to the
+scaffold? Because he is being led to the altar (halter).
+
+If there was a bird on a perch, and you wanted the perch, how would you
+get it without disturbing the bird? Wait till it flew away.
+
+When two men exchange snuff-boxes, why is the transaction a profitable
+one? Because they are getting scent per scent (cent per cent).
+
+Why are young ladies the fastest travelers in the world? Because the
+day before marriage they are at the Cape of Good Hope, and the next day
+afterwards they are in the United States.
+
+Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a
+tail, sometimes without a tail; sometimes with both head and tail, and
+sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations? A
+wig.
+
+A gardener, going to fetch some apples out of the orchard, saw four
+birds destroying some of his best fruit; he got his gun, and fired at
+them, but only killed one; how many remained on the tree? None; the
+rest flew away.
+
+The man who was struck by a coincidence is in a fair way of recovery.
+
+The fellow who rushed into business "run out" again in a short time.
+
+How to get a good wife--Take a good girl and go to the parson.
+
+How to strike a happy medium--Hit a drunken spiritualist.
+
+The young lady whose sleep was broken has had it mended.
+
+The movement that was "on foot" has taken a carriage.
+
+Hearty laugh--One that gets down among the ribs.
+
+Epitaph for a cannibal--"One who loved his fellow-men."
+
+A squeeze in grain--Treading on a man's corn.
+
+To get a cheap dancing lesson--Drop a flat-iron on your favorite corn.
+
+Why is a candle with a "long nose" like a contented man? Because it
+_wants (s)nuffin_.
+
+When does rain seem inclined to be studious? When it's _pouring_ over a
+book-stall.
+
+A hand-to-hand affair--Marriage.
+
+Bridal chambers--Harness room.
+
+The only kind of cake children don't cry after--A cake of soap.
+
+Housewife's motto--Whatever thou dost, dust it with all thy might.
+
+Why is life the riddle of riddles? Because we must all give it up.
+
+It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but that depends on
+the holders.
+
+In making wills, some are left out and others are left "tin."
+
+The society lady never sheds a tear. She knows enough to keep her
+powder dry.
+
+Something that carries conviction with it--A police-van.
+
+How to make a slow horse fast--Don't feed him.
+
+Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato? Because a bee-hive is a
+bee-holder; and a beholder is a spectator, and a speck-tater is a bad
+potato.
+
+The original wire-pullers--Irish harpers.
+
+A place for everything--Baby's mouth.
+
+A stuck-up thing--A show-bill.
+
+Cheap country-seat--A stump.
+
+Sheer cruelty--Clipping sheep.
+
+Song of the mouse--"Hear me gnaw, ma."
+
+To get along well--dig it deep.
+
+A growing industry--Farming.
+
+Why is "T" like an amphibious animal? Because it is found both in earth
+and water.
+
+A two-foot rule--Making "rights" and "lefts."
+
+Much as he loves roast beef, John Bull is continually getting into an
+Irish stew.
+
+Why is the nine-year-old boy like the sick glutton? Because he's over
+eight.
+
+A dangerous character--A man who "takes life" cheerfully.
+
+Which of the reptiles is a mathematician? The adder.
+
+Why cannot a woman become a successful lawyer? Because she is too fond
+of giving her opinion without being paid for it.
+
+An unvarnished tail--A monkey's.
+
+No head nor tail to it--A circle.
+
+Why is a rosebud like a promissory note? Because it matures by falling
+dew.
+
+How do lawyers often prove their love to their neighbors? By attachment.
+
+Two things that go off in a hurry--An arrow dismissed by a beau, and a
+beau dismissed by a belle.
+
+A dangerous collision--Running into debt.
+
+An ex-plainer--A retired carpenter.
+
+A great singer--The tea-kettle.
+
+Blood relations--War stories.
+
+How can a rare piece of acting be well done?
+
+A felt hat--One that gives you the headache.
+
+The egotist always has an I for the main chance.
+
+When are thieves like leopards? When they are "spotted."
+
+To be let--Some young swells' faces--they are generally _vacant_.
+
+A winning hand--The shapely one which is incased in a No. 6
+perfect-fitting kid glove.
+
+A willing man--A testator.
+
+Celestial timber--Sunbeams.
+
+Hope is the hanker of the soul.
+
+The oldest revolver--The earth.
+
+Hereditary traits--Family portraits.
+
+Good size for man or woman--Exercise.
+
+A water-spout--A temperance oration.
+
+Sweetness and light--The burning of a sugar refinery.
+
+Home-rule--Your wife's opinion.
+
+A "sheet" anchor--A clothes pin.
+
+Always open to conviction--A thief.
+
+The nobbiest thing in boots is a bunion.
+
+A thing that kicks without legs--a gun.
+
+A motto for young lovers--So-fa and no-father.
+
+The key to the convict's troubles is the turn-key.
+
+Wanted--An artist to paint the very picture of health.
+
+When is an estate like a watch? When it is wound up.
+
+When is a house not a house? When it is a-fire.
+
+Why is a box on the ears like a hat? Because it is felt.
+
+Why is a melancholy young lady the pleasantest companion? Because she
+is always a-musing.
+
+Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates.
+
+What plaything may be deemed above every other. A top.
+
+Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing.
+
+Why is anything that is unsuitable like a dumb person. Because it won't
+answer.
+
+Why is the letter _l_ in the word military like the nose? Because it
+stands between two _i_'s.
+
+What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? They go
+round with the world.
+
+The motto of the giraffe--Neck or nothing.
+
+A paying business--The cashier's.
+
+Always under the lash--The eye.
+
+Romantic youth, rheumatic age.
+
+A striking affair--A prize-fight.
+
+Where did the gas-man meter.
+
+All barbers can't razor beard.
+
+Ex-spurts--Retired firemen.
+
+Missing men--Bad marksmen.
+
+The popular diet for gymnasts--Turn-overs.
+
+A plain-dealing man--One who sells them.
+
+Perpetual motion--Scandal.
+
+Always in haste--The letter h.
+
+Preventives of consumption--High prices.
+
+Handy book-markers--Dirty fingers.
+
+A two-foot rule--Don't stumble.
+
+When can a lamp be said to be in a bad temper? When it is put out.
+
+Railways are aristocratic. They teach every man to know his own station
+and to stop there.
+
+Why is a spendthrift's purse like a thunder-cloud? Because it is
+continually _lightning_.
+
+Why is a boy almost always more noisy than a girl? Because he is more
+son-orous.
+
+An aggravating girl--Miss Deal.
+
+A water-course--A series of temperance lectures.
+
+Attachment notice--The announcement of a marriage engagement.
+
+A shocking disaster--An earthquake.
+
+What is more chilling to an ardent lover than the beautiful's no?
+
+A serious movement on foot--The coming corn or bunion.
+
+Where do ghosts come from?--From gnome man's land.
+
+High-toned men--The tenor singers.
+
+To make a Venetian blind--Put out his eyes.
+
+The retired list--A hotel register at mid-night.
+
+Which is the debtor's favorite tree?--The willow (will owe).
+
+It isn't the girl that is loaded with powder who goes off the easiest.
+
+What does an aeronaut do after inflating his balloon? He highs himself
+away on his trip.
+
+Something of a wag--The tip of a dog's tail.
+
+A wedding invitation--Asking a girl to marry you.
+
+Good name for a bull-dog--Agrippa.
+
+Flying rumors are necessarily groundless.
+
+Why ought Lent to pass very rapidly? Because there are so many fast
+days in it.
+
+It is no sign because a man makes a stir in the community that he is a
+spoon.
+
+What is that which must play before it can work? A fire-engine.
+
+A man ever ready to scrape an acquaintance--The barber.
+
+Hush money--The money paid the baby's nurse.
+
+When may you suppose an umbrella to be one mass of grease? When it's
+dripping.
+
+Bootblacks are friendly little fellows. They "take a shine" to anybody.
+
+A dress for the concert-room--_Organ-di_ muslin with _fluted_ flounces.
+
+Difficult punctuation--Putting a stop to a gossip's tongue.
+
+A hard case--The oyster's.
+
+What are the dimensions of a little elbow room?
+
+What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait.
+
+What can a man have in his pocket when it is empty? A big hole.
+
+An old off-ender--The ship's rudder.
+
+Men who "stick" at their work--printers.
+
+Men who do light work--lamplighters.
+
+Men who work with a will--lawyers.
+
+If you would make a good deal of money at card-playing, you should make
+a good deal.
+
+Joy is the feeling that you are better off than your neighbor.
+
+A matchless story--one in which there are no weddings.
+
+The only tree known to have teeth. Dentistry.
+
+Dropping the "h" is an ex-aspirating habit.
+
+If you would not be pitted, get vaccinated.
+
+Has great heeling properties. The mule.
+
+Barren mountains are not worth ascent.
+
+An ancient warrior poet--Shakespeare.
+
+A thing to adore (a door)--The knob.
+
+Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapidation? Because he
+ought to be _re-paired_.
+
+Why are fowls gluttonous creatures? Because they take a peck at every
+mouthful.
+
+A big mis-take--Marrying a fat girl.
+
+The most valuable prize--Enterprise.
+
+Cannibalism--Feeding a baby with its pap.
+
+Back-yards--The trains of ladies' dresses.
+
+Coquettes are the quacks of love.
+
+Something to lie about--A bed.
+
+A dangerous man--One who takes life cheerfully.
+
+A slow match--A couple that marries after twenty years' courtship.
+
+Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her
+weeds.
+
+Who was it that first introduced salt provisions? Noah, for he took Ham
+into the ark.
+
+Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles.
+
+A lightning-rod is attractive, in its way.
+
+"This cheese is about right," said John; and Jane replied that it was,
+if mite makes right.
+
+What is an artist to do when he is out of canvas? He should draw on his
+imagination.
+
+A professor of petrifaction has appeared in Paris. He has an 'art of
+stone.
+
+"Ah!" said she to her diamonds, "you _dear_ little things!"
+
+After all, a doctor's diploma is but an M. D. honor.
+
+The desire to go somewhere in hot weather is only equaled by the desire
+to get back again.
+
+Lay up something for a rainy day, if it is nothing more than the
+rheumatism.
+
+The man who waxes strong every day--The shoemaker.
+
+To change dark hair to sandy--Go into the surf after a storm.
+
+A melancholy reflection--The top of a bald head in a looking-glass.
+
+In what age was gum-arabic introduced? In the mucilage.
+
+Always cut off in its prime--An interest coupon.
+
+The farmer's favorite vest--The harvest.
+
+A hallo mockery--The echo.
+
+Rifle clubs--Gangs of pickpockets.
+
+The Turkish position--Cross-legged.
+
+High time--That kept by a town clock.
+
+A home-spun dress--The skin.
+
+Appropriate name for a cold beauty--Al-ice.
+
+Toned paper--Sheet of music.
+
+Food for fighters--Pitch-in pie.
+
+Something always on hand--Your thumb.
+
+When a man attains the age of ninety years, he may be termed XC-dingly
+old.
+
+When iron has been exposed to fogs, it is apt to be mist-rusted.
+
+A "head gardener"--A maker of artificial flowers for ladies' hair.
+
+A weather prophet says: "Perspiration never rains. It simply pores."
+
+The spots on the sun do not begin to create such a disturbance as do
+the freckles on the daughter.
+
+Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly
+polished, but very hollow.
+
+A capital thing--Cash.
+
+Stakeholders--Butchers.
+
+A great composer--Sleep.
+
+A senses taker--Whisky.
+
+All play--Musician's work.
+
+How to "serve" a dinner--Eat it.
+
+A "light" employment--Candle making.
+
+Another new reading--Man proposes, woman accepts.
+
+"Necessity knows no law." Well, necessity is like a great many lawyers.
+
+The civil service--Opening the door for anybody.
+
+Touching incident--A physician feeling a patient's pulse.
+
+Maxim for the lazy--No man can plow a field by turning it over in his
+mind.
+
+Nature saw the bicycle in the dim future when she created a bow-legged
+man.
+
+A black tie--A colored wife.
+
+An unpalatable dish--Cold shoulder.
+
+First 'bus in America--Columbus.
+
+A kid-napping case--A cradle.
+
+Disagreeable and impertinent--Ruin staring one in the face.
+
+This language of ours! A widow only resolves on a second marriage when
+she re-link-wishes it.
+
+Why is a woman who has four sons, all sailors, like a year?--Because
+she has four sea-sons.
+
+He sighed for the wings of a dove, but had no idea that the legs were
+much better eating.
+
+What kind of a loan is surest to "raise the wind?"--A cyclone.
+
+The great composer--Chloroform.
+
+Foot notes--Shoemakers' bills.
+
+A narrow escape--The chimney flue.
+
+Best climate for a toper--The temperate zone.
+
+An attached couple--A pair of oyster-shells.
+
+What is the best thing out yet for real comfort?--An aching tooth.
+
+Two souls with but a single thought--Two boys climbing over an orchard
+fence, with a bull-dog in pursuit.
+
+Kindred evils--Poor relations.
+
+A matter of course--A horse race.
+
+Only a question of time--Asking the hour.
+
+"Stirring" times--Morning hours.
+
+Free of charge--An empty gun.
+
+Passage of arms--Sleeves.
+
+A good name for a bill-collector--Dunham.
+
+A drop of the crater--Lava.
+
+Does it take more miles to make a land league than it does a water
+league?
+
+All the year round--The earth.
+
+A trained animal--The "iron horse."
+
+Stands to reason--A debator who won't sit down.
+
+The best remedy for a man who is spell-bound--A dictionary.
+
+The rations on which a poet's brain is fed--Inspirations.
+
+A good thing to be fast--a button.
+
+Hardware--The friction on a schoolboy's knees.
+
+What was the most honest bet ever made? The alpha-bet.
+
+A bad habit--A seedy coat.
+
+Sweet home--A bee-hive.
+
+Pressed for time--Mummies.
+
+Land agitation--An earthquake.
+
+Held for further hearing--The ear-trumpet.
+
+What is the difference between a fixed star and a meteor? One is a son,
+the other is a darter.
+
+When trains are telescoped, the poor passengers see stars.
+
+How to keep yourself dry? Eat freely of red herrings and salt beef, and
+don't drink.
+
+Why is it dangerous to take a walk in the woods in spring? Because then
+the trees are shooting.
+
+Why is a man on horseback like difficulties overcome? Because he is
+Sir-mounted (surmounted).
+
+Why is a vocalist singing incorrectly like a forger of bad notes?
+Because he is uttering false notes.
+
+Why is your night-cap when on your head like a giblet pie? Because it
+contains a goose's head.
+
+Why are two laughing girls like the wings of a chicken? Because they
+have a merry thought between them.
+
+When are a very short and a very tall judge both the same height? When
+they are judges of assize (a size).
+
+Why is a thoughtful man like a mirror? Because he reflects.
+
+Why is a pig with a twisted tail like the ghost in Hamlet? Because it
+can a tail (tale) unfold.
+
+Why is a Turk like a violin belonging to an inn? Because he is an
+infidel (inn fiddle).
+
+Why am I the most peculiar person in the company? Because I am the
+querist (queerest).
+
+Why is a blundering writer like an arbiter in a dispute? Because he
+writes (rights) wrong.
+
+Why is hot bread like a caterpillar? Because it is the grub that makes
+the butterfly.
+
+A good side-show--A pretty cheek.
+
+If a pair of spectacles could speak, what ancient historian would they
+name?--Eusebius (you see by us).
+
+Why is a very angry man like the clock at fifty-nine minutes past
+twelve?--Because he is just ready to strike one.
+
+Why is a shoe-maker like a true lover?--Because he is faithful to the
+last.
+
+Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy?--Because
+there are three scruples to a dram.
+
+In what respect were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different
+as light from darkness?--The one was governed by deys (days), the other
+by knights (nights).
+
+When is a fowl's neck like a bell?--When it is wrung (rung).
+
+When is a man thinner than a lath?--When he is a-shaving.
+
+When is a soldier like a baby?--When he is in arms.
+
+Why is a small musk-melon like a horse?--Because it makes a mango (man
+go).
+
+Why is a man with wooden legs like one who makes an even
+bargain?--Because he has nothing to boot.
+
+Why do bishops become wags when promoted to the highest office in the
+church? Because they become arch-bishops.
+
+Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck.
+
+Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes.
+
+Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at
+the sound of wo (woe).
+
+Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for
+getting (forgetting).
+
+Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf? Because he is crusty.
+
+Where did the executioner of Charles I. dine, and what did he take? He
+took a chop at the King's Head.
+
+Why is Kossuth like an Irishman's quarrel? Because he is a patriot (Pat
+riot).
+
+Why is Ireland like a sealed bottle of champagne? Because there is a
+Cork in it.
+
+Why is an uncut leg of bacon like Hamlet in his soliloquy? Because it
+is ham let alone (Hamlet alone).
+
+Why should taking the proper quantity of medicine make you sleepy?
+Because you take a dose.
+
+Why is a pack of cards containing only fifty-one, sent home, as
+perfect as a pack of fifty-two sent home? Because they are in complete
+(in-complete).
+
+Why is a good constitution like a money-box? Because its full value
+becomes known when it is broken.
+
+Why is a flatterer like a microscope? Because he magnifies small things.
+
+Why is a key like a prison? Because it is full of wards.
+
+Why is a talkative young man like a young pig? Because he is likely to
+become a bore (boar).
+
+Why is a city being destroyed like another being built? Because it is
+being razed (raised).
+
+Why is a fit of coughing like the falls of Niagara? Because it is a
+catarrh-act (cataract).
+
+If Tom owes Bob money and gives him a blow in the eye, why is that a
+satisfactory settlement? Because he gives his mark in black and white,
+a note of hand, and paid at sight.
+
+Why are your lips always at variance? Because words are frequently
+passing between them.
+
+Why is a butcher's cart like his boots? Because he carries his calves
+there.
+
+Why is a thief in a garret like an honest man? Because he is above
+doing a bad action.
+
+Why are bachelors like natives of Ceylon? Because they are single he's
+(Cingalese).
+
+When is a window like a star? When it is a skylight.
+
+What constellation most resembles an empty fire-place? The Great Bear
+(grate bare).
+
+Why is a sick Jew like a diamond ring? Because he is a Jew ill (jewel).
+
+Why are Irishmen like the Pope? Because they make bulls.
+
+Why is a toll-collector at a bridge like a Jew? Because he keeps the
+pass-over (Passover).
+
+What class of people bears a name meaning "I can't improve?" Mendicants
+(Mend I can't).
+
+Why is the Commander-in-chief like a broker? Because he is a
+Commission-agent.
+
+Why is an irritable man like an unskillful doctor? Because he is apt to
+lose his patience (patients).
+
+When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_.
+
+Why is a village cobbler like a parson? Because he attends to the soles
+(souls) of the people.
+
+When may a country gentleman's property be said to consist of feathers?
+When his estates are all entails (hen tails).
+
+Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?
+Because nobody can get through them.
+
+Why is a man searching for the philosopher's stone like Neptune?
+Because he is a-seeking (a sea king) what never existed.
+
+Why is the Premier like an alchemist? Because he turns one of his
+friends into a gold-stick.
+
+Why is a theological student like a merchant? Because he studies the
+prophets (profits).
+
+Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he
+will, he cannot catch it.
+
+Why is an insolent fishmonger likely to get more business than a civil
+one? Because, when he sells fish, he gives _sauce_.
+
+Why are coopers like musical composers? Because they make use of
+_staves_.
+
+Why is Mrs. Caudle like a locomotive engine? Because she is always on
+the _rail_.
+
+Why is a partner in a joint-stock concern like a plowman? Because he is
+a _share_-holder.
+
+Why should a speculator use a high stiffener for his cravat? Because he
+would be sure of a _rise_ in his _stock_.
+
+Why is a gypsy's tent like a beacon on the coast? Because it is a
+_light_-house.
+
+Why were the English victories in the Punjaub nothing to boast of?
+Because they were over Sikh (sick) armies.
+
+Why are Cashmere shawls like persons totally deaf? Because you cannot
+_make_ them here (hear).
+
+Why is a ship just arrived in port like a lady eagerly desiring to go
+to America? Because she is _hankering_ after a voyage.
+
+Why may the Commissioners for Metropolitan Improvements never be
+expected to speak the truth? Because with them mend-a-city (mendacity)
+is a duty.
+
+When is a ball not a ball? When it is snowball (no ball).
+
+Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn or Rossini? Because it is one of the
+greatest composers of modern times.
+
+Why is a sword that is too brittle like an ill-natured and passionate
+man? Because it is snappish and ill-tempered.
+
+Why are steamboat explosions like short-hand writers leaving the House
+of Commons? Because they go off with reports.
+
+Why is the profession of a barrister not only legal, but religious?
+Because it involves a knowledge of law, and a love of the profits
+(prophets).
+
+Why ought a superstitious person to be necessarily temperate? Because
+he is afraid of spirits.
+
+Why are the Commissioners of Stamps and Taxes like sailors at sea?
+Because they are a-board.
+
+How is a successful gambler always an agreeable fellow? Because he has
+such winning ways.
+
+Why should the ghost in Hamlet have been liable to the window-tax?
+Because he had glazed eyes.
+
+Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn? Because he is an ass.
+
+Why is a whirlpool like a donkey? Because it is an eddy (a neddy).
+
+When would a bed make the best hunting ground?--When it is made anew
+for rest (a new forest).
+
+Why are the labors of a translator likely to excite disgust? Because
+they produce a version (aversion).
+
+Why is steam power in a locomotive like the goods lading a ship?
+Because it makes the car go (cargo).
+
+Why was Grimaldi like a glass of good brandy and water? Because he was
+a tumbler of first-rate spirit.
+
+Why is a man in jail and wishing to be out like a leaky boat? Because
+he requires bailing (baling) out.
+
+Why is a congreve box without the matches superior to any other box?
+Because it is matchless.
+
+Why was Phidias, the celebrated sculptor, laughed at by the Greeks?
+Because they said he cut a pretty figure.
+
+Why are hot-house plants like drunkards? Because they have so many
+glasses over and above.
+
+Why may a professor without students be said to be the most attentive
+of all teachers? Because he has only two pupils and they are always in
+his eye.
+
+When is a maiden most chaste (chased). When she is most run after.
+
+Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in
+payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.
+
+Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English
+and French? Because they were all lies (allies).
+
+Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate.
+
+Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the
+understanding of his patrons.
+
+Why is a very commonplace female a wonderful woman? Because she is an
+extra-ordinary one.
+
+Why is a man not prepared to pay his acceptance when due like a pigeon
+without food? Because he has not provided for his bill.
+
+Why is a plum-pudding like a logical sermon? Because it is full of
+raisins (reasons).
+
+Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their existence
+is only infancy (in fancy).
+
+Why is a ticket-porter like a thief? Because he takes other people's
+property.
+
+When a horse speaks, why does he do so always in the negative? Because
+he neighs (nays).
+
+Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato? Because it is deceased
+(diseased).
+
+Why is a cat like a tattling person? Because it is a tail-bearer
+(tale-bearer).
+
+Why is it impossible that there should be one best horse on a
+race-course? Because you will always find a better (bettor) there.
+
+Why is my place of business like a baker's oven? Because I make my
+bread there.
+
+When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.
+
+When is a book like a prisoner in the States of Barbary? When it is
+bound in Morocco.
+
+Why is a retired carpenter like a lecturer on natural philosophy?
+Because he is an ex-plainer.
+
+Why are those who quiz ladies' bustles very slanderous persons? Because
+they talk of them behind their backs.
+
+Why is a gardener better paid than any other tradesman? Because he has
+most celery (salary).
+
+Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course? Because she is a Bet in
+place (betting-place).
+
+Why is a most persevering admirer of a coquette like an article she
+carries in her pocket? Because he is her hanker-chief (handkerchief).
+
+Why is a torch like the ring of a chain? Because it is a link.
+
+Why is a handsome and fascinating lady like a slice of bread? Because
+she is often toasted.
+
+Why does a Quaker resemble a fresh and sprightly horse? Because he is
+full of nays (neighs).
+
+Why are men who lose by the failure of a bank like Macbeth? Because
+each has his bank-woe (Banquo).
+
+Why is a row between Orangemen and Ribbonmen like a saddle? Because
+there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.
+
+Why is a prosy story-teller like the Thames Tunnel? Because he is a
+great bore.
+
+Why should well-fed M. P.s object to triennial parliaments? Because it
+puts them on short commons.
+
+Why are ladies so fond of officers? Because every lady likes a good
+offer, sir (officer).
+
+When is the music at a party most like a ship in distress? When it sets
+the pumps agoing.
+
+Why is your first-born child like a legal deed? Because it is
+all-engrossing.
+
+Why is a hackney coachman like a conscientious man? Because he has an
+inward check on his outward action.
+
+Why is a milkwoman who never sells whey the most independent person in
+the world? Because she never gives whey (way) to any one.
+
+Why is a man digging a canoe like a boy whipped for making a noise?
+Because he hollows.
+
+When are soldiers stronger than elephants? When they carry a fortress.
+
+Why has a clock a bashful appearance? Because it always keeps its hands
+before its face.
+
+Why is an adjective like a drunken man? Because it can't stand alone.
+
+Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf at Rome? Because he thought
+it was a good opening for a young man.
+
+Why is wine spoilt by being converted into negus? Because you make a
+mull of it.
+
+Why is a baker like a judge in Chancery? Because he is Master of the
+Rolls.
+
+Why is a bad epigram like a blunt pencil? Because it has no point.
+
+Why is a humorous jest like a fowl? Because it contains a merry-thought.
+
+Why is a schoolboy beginning to read like knowledge itself? Because he
+is learning.
+
+Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? Because it is hardly done.
+
+Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a watchman? Because he
+is a Pat rolling (patrolling).
+
+Why is the office of Prime Minister like a May-pole? Because it is a
+high post.
+
+Why does the conductor at a concert resemble the electric telegraph?
+Because he beats time.
+
+Why are the pages of this book like the days of this year? Because they
+are all numbered.
+
+Why does a smoker resemble a person in a furious passion? Because he
+fumes.
+
+Why is a burglar using false keys like a lady curling her hair? Because
+he is turning locks.
+
+Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes.
+
+Why is this book like an evergreen? Because it is always full of leaves.
+
+Why should travelers not be likely to starve in the desert? Because of
+the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
+
+How did the sandwiches come into the desert? Noah sent Ham, and his
+descendants mustered and bred (mustard and bread).
+
+Why is a red-haired female like a regiment of infantry. Because she
+carries fire-locks.
+
+Why is a locomotive like a handsome and fascinating lady? Because it
+scatters the _sparks_ and _transports_ the mails (males).
+
+Why is a man's mouth when very large like an annual lease? Because it
+extends from ear to ear (year to year).
+
+Why were the cannon at Delhi like tailors? Because they made breaches
+(breeches).
+
+Why is a sheet of postage stamps like distant relations? Because they
+are only slightly connected.
+
+How can venison never be cheap? Because it is always deer (dear).
+
+Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the
+keys.
+
+Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours
+(ours).
+
+Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night
+till morning.
+
+Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it's down in
+the mouth.
+
+When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it's a bad one.
+
+On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.
+
+What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.
+
+Why is a wedding-ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no
+end.
+
+What is that which ties two persons and only one touches? A
+wedding-ring.
+
+Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his
+own (K)nell.
+
+Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?
+Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony.
+
+Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she
+seams (seems).
+
+Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to
+each of them.
+
+What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.
+
+What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One
+issues manifestoes, the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.
+
+Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy school-boy on Christmas-day?
+Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.
+
+    You name me once, and I am famed
+      For deeds of noble daring;
+    You name me twice, and I am found
+      In savage customs sharing?
+
+            Tar-tar.
+
+What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse sack
+(cossack).
+
+Why is it that you cannot starve in the desert? Because of the
+sand-which-is-there, to say nothing of the Pyramids of Ch(e)ops.
+
+    The wind howled, and the heaving sea
+      Touched the clouds, then backward rolled;
+    And the ship strove most wondrously,
+      With ten feet water in her hold.
+
+    The night is darkened, and my _first_
+      No sailor's eye could see.
+    And ere the day should dawn again,
+      Where might the sailor be?
+
+    Before the rising of the sun
+      The ship lay on the strand,
+    And silent was the minute-gun
+      That signaled to the land.
+
+    The crew my _second_ had secured,
+      And they all knelt down to pray,
+    And on their upturned faces fell
+      The early beam of day.
+
+    The howling of the wind had ceased,
+      And smooth the waters ran,
+    And beautiful appeared my _whole_
+      To cheer the heart of man.
+
+            Land-scape.
+
+What is the wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off.
+
+What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One
+irons your linen and the other steals it.
+
+Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until
+their works are "hung on the line."
+
+A poor woman carrying a basket of apples, was met by three boys, the
+first of whom bought half of what she had, and then gave her back ten;
+the second boy bought a third of what remained, and gave her back two;
+and the third bought half of what she had now left, and returned her
+one, after which she found that she had twelve apples remaining. What
+number had she at first? From the twelve remaining, deduct one, and
+eleven is the number she sold the last boy, which was half she had; her
+number at that time, therefore, was twenty-two. From twenty-two deduct
+two, and the remaining twenty was two-thirds of her prior stock, which
+was therefore thirty. From thirty deduct ten, and the remainder twenty
+is half her original stock; consequently she had at first forty apples.
+
+Why did the young lady return the dumb water? Because it didn't answer.
+
+There are twelve birds in a covey; Jones kills a brace, then how many
+remain? None; for--unless they are idiots--they fly away!
+
+Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the
+game alive!
+
+What is the height of folly? Spending your last dollar on a purse!
+
+What is a very good definition of nonsense? Bolting a door with a
+boiled carrot.
+
+What soap is the hardest? Cast-steel (castile)!
+
+    I wander when the night is dark,
+      I tread forbidden ground;
+    I rouse the house-dog's sullen bark,
+      And o'er the world am found.
+    My victims fill the gloomy jail,
+      And to the gallows speed;
+    Though in the dark, with visage pale,
+      I do unlawful deed,
+    There is an eye o'erwatching me,
+      A law I disobey;
+    And what I gain I faster lose,
+      When Justice owns its sway.
+    Though sometimes I accumulate
+      A fortune soon, and vast--
+    A beggar at the good man's gate,
+      My pupil stands at last.
+
+          Dishonesty.
+
+    My first is irrational,
+    My second is rational,
+    My third mechanical,
+    My whole scientific?
+
+        Horse-man-ship.
+
+Why is horse-racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.
+
+What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.
+
+Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the
+better-tempered he is the easier he takes a-fence (offence).
+
+What most resembles a cat looking out of a garret window, amid a
+sheltering bower of jessamine and woodbine? A cat looking into a garret
+window under the same circumstances.
+
+    A word there is five syllables contains;
+    Take one away--not one of them remains!
+
+        Mo-no-syllable.
+
+If a man attempts to jump a ditch, and falls, why is he likely to
+miss the beauties of Summer? Because the Fall follows right after the
+Spring, unless he makes a Summer-set between them.
+
+What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating
+and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She
+weighs anchor.
+
+When is an umbrella like suet? When it is dripping.
+
+When is a woman not a woman? When she is a little cross.
+
+Why is drunkenness like a ragged coat? Because it is a bad habit.
+
+Why is a proud lady like a music book? Because she is full of airs.
+
+Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the
+keys.
+
+Why is an avaricious merchant like a Turk? Because he worships the
+profit.
+
+When is a plant to be dreaded more than a mad dog? When it is madder.
+
+Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes.
+
+Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
+becomes.
+
+Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours
+(ours).
+
+Why is a hen walking like a base conspiracy? Because it is a foul
+(fowl) proceeding.
+
+Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night
+till morning.
+
+Why is a ship the politest thing in the world? Because she always
+advances with a bow.
+
+Why is a good sermon like a kiss? Because it only requires two heads
+and an application.
+
+Why should a thirsty man always carry a watch? Because there's a spring
+inside of it.
+
+Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at
+the sound of wo (woe).
+
+Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for
+getting (forgetting).
+
+Why are clergymen like cabinet-makers when performing the marriage
+ceremony? Because they are joiners.
+
+Why is it easy to break into an old man's house? Because his gait
+(gate) is broken and his locks are few.
+
+Why should the world become blind if deprived of its philosophers?
+Because there would be no seers.
+
+Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of tradesmen? Because they
+are always on the strike for wages.
+
+Why would a great gourmand make a very clumsy dressmaker? Because the
+more he takes in, the more he tucks out.
+
+Why is a baker the cheapest landlord but the dearest builder? He is the
+cheapest landlord when he can sell you a little cottage for twopence;
+when he is the dearest builder is when he charges you sixpence for a
+brick.
+
+What is the difference between a man who has nothing to do and a
+laborer? The one gets a great deal of "otium cum dig.," the latter a
+great deal of dig without otium.
+
+Why should not ladies and gentlemen take castor oil? Because it's only
+intended for working-people.
+
+    An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,
+    Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;
+    And when he set off running, an Irishman was he,
+    Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree?
+
+        Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, currant!
+
+Why is a gooseberry-tart, or even a plum-tart, like a bad dime? Because
+it's not currant.
+
+You like to pay a good price and have the finest work, of course; but
+what is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.
+
+When you go for ten cents' worth of very sharp, long tin-tacks, what do
+you want them for? For ten cents.
+
+Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.
+
+When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible? When the dove
+brought the green back to Noah.
+
+What was the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc? One was
+made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans.
+
+There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five
+letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be
+conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the
+whole shows you what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine!
+
+Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his swim)
+only!
+
+    What's that? what's that? Oh, I shall faint,
+      Call, call the priest to lay it!
+    Transpose it, and to king and saint,
+      And great and good you pay it?
+
+        Spectre; respect.
+
+    Complete I betoken the presence of death,
+    Devoid of all symptoms of life-giving breath;
+    But banish my tail, and, surpassingly strange,
+    Life, ardor, and courage, I get by the change?
+
+      Corpse; corps.
+
+    Ere Adam was, my early days began;
+    I ape each creature, and resemble man;
+    I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,
+    Nor leave the least impression where I pass;
+    Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,
+    Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt.
+    Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night
+    You'll quickly find me out by candlelight?
+
+      Shadow.
+
+Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it
+out.
+
+Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then
+have his leg at ease (legatees).
+
+What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? A
+bald head.
+
+What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old
+maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, the other cappy and hairless.
+
+Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they
+die late (dilate).
+
+A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, "My age is what
+you do in everything--excel" (XL).
+
+My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not?
+Love-lie (lovely).
+
+What is that a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet
+never takes kindly? The small-pox.
+
+Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam. How so? Because he was
+first in the human race.
+
+Who was the first to swear in this world? Eve. How so? When Adam asked
+her if he might take a kiss, she said, I don't care A dam if you do.
+
+When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve
+presented Adam with a little Cain (cane).
+
+Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had'em)!
+
+What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
+
+Why was Herodias' daughter the _fastest_ girl mentioned in the New
+Testament? Because she got _a-head_ of John the Baptist on a _charger_.
+
+When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings, as then her hands are
+where her tootsicums, her feet ought to be!
+
+What is that which a young girl looks for, but does not wish to find? A
+hole in her stocking!
+
+Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
+airy-naught (aeronaut).
+
+Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because
+everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody!
+
+Why is the flight of an eagle _also_ a most unpleasant sight to
+witness? Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar)!
+
+Why do little birds in their nest agree? For fear of falling out.
+
+Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The crane.
+
+And if you saw a peach with a bird on it, and you wished to get the
+peach without disturbing the bird, what would you do? Do? why--wait
+till he flew off.
+
+Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays
+at the same time.
+
+Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because
+it's easier to preach than to practice.
+
+Why are cripples, beggars, and such like, similar to shepherds and
+fishermen? Because they live by hook and by crook.
+
+    My _first_ doth affliction denote,
+      Which my _second_ is destined to feel,
+    But my _whole_ is the sure antidote
+      That affliction to soothe and to heal.
+
+              Wo-man.
+
+What one word will name the common parent of both beast and man? A-dam.
+
+Take away one letter from me and I murder; take away two and I probably
+shall die, if my whole does not save me? Kill--ill--skill.
+
+What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the
+honey, the other gets all the whacks!
+
+Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor!
+
+What is the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of
+the middle ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, and the
+other used to put a cask (casque) on his head!
+
+Did King Charles consent to be executed with a cold chop? We have every
+reason, my young friends, to believe so, for they most assuredly ax'd
+him whether he would or no!
+
+    My _first_ if 'tis lost, music's not worth a straw;
+    My _second's_ most graceful (?) in old age or law,
+    Not to mention divines; but my _whole_ cares for neither,
+    Eats fruits and scares ladies in fine summer weather.
+
+            Ear-wig!
+
+Which of Pio Nino's cardinals wears the largest hat? Why, the one with
+the largest head, of course.
+
+What composer's name can you give in three letters? R D T (Arditi).
+
+Spell enemy in three letters! No, it's not N M E; you're wrong; try
+again; it's F O E!
+
+Spell auburn locks in two letters! S and Y.
+
+Spell brandy in three letters! B R and Y, and O D V.
+
+Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of
+them? K N (cayenne).
+
+When is a trunk like two letters of the alphabet? When it is M T
+(empty).
+
+What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a
+word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
+
+Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though
+never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits.
+
+How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything
+that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n!
+
+What is it that occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not
+once in a thousand years? The letter M.
+
+    Three letters three rivers proclaim;
+    Three letters an ode give to fame;
+    Three letters an attribute name;
+    Three letters a compliment claim.
+
+        Ex Wye Dee, L E G (elegy), Energy, and You excel!
+
+Which is the richest and which the poorest letter in the alphabet? S
+and T, because we always hear of La Rich_esse_ and La Pauvre_te_.
+
+Why is A like twelve o'clock? You know, middle of day.
+
+Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first
+in pity, he is always last in help.
+
+Why is the letter P like a Roman Emperor? Because it's Nero (near O).
+
+    The beginning of eternity,
+    The end of time and space,
+    The beginning of every end,
+    The end of every race?
+
+        Letter E.
+
+Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad.
+
+Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both in
+earth and water.
+
+What letter of the Greek alphabet did the ex-King Otho probably last
+think of on leaving Athens? Oh!-my-crown (omicron).
+
+If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to supply the
+deficiency? To a grog-shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.
+
+Hold up your hand, and you will see what you never did see, never can
+see, and never will see. What is this? That the little finger is not so
+long as the middle finger.
+
+Which were made first, elbows or knees? Knees--beasts were created
+before men.
+
+What is the difference between an auction and sea-sickness? One is a
+sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail!
+
+Why is credit not given at an auction? Because all goods brought to the
+hammer must be paid for--on the nail!
+
+What's the difference between "living in marble halls" and aboard ship?
+In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in (what
+the Greeks call _thalatta_) the latter you have vessels and surfs at
+your side!
+
+When are soldiers most admired by an infant? When they are abreast.
+
+What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.
+
+Why is a doleful face like the alternate parts taken by a choir? When
+it is anti-funny (antiphony).
+
+If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't
+an ocean (a notion).
+
+Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?
+Because he has always an ocean (a notion) in his head.
+
+    The night was dark, the night was damp;
+    St. Bruno read by his lonely lamp:
+    The Fiend dropped in to make a call,
+    As he posted away to a fancy ball;
+    And "Can't I find," said the Father of Lies,
+    "Some present a saint may not despise?"
+
+    Wine he brought him, such as yet
+    Was ne'er on Pontiff's table set:
+    Weary and faint was the holy man,
+    But he crossed with a cross the tempter's can,
+    And saw, ere my _first_ to his parched lip came,
+    That it was red with liquid flame.
+
+    Jewels he showed him--many a gem
+    Fit for a Sultan's diadem:
+    Dazzled, I trow, was the anchorite;
+    But he told his beads with all his might;
+    And instead of my _second_ so rich and rare,
+    A pinch of worthless dust lay there.
+
+    A lady at last he handed in,
+    With a bright black eye and a fair white skin;
+    The stern ascetic flung, 'tis said,
+    A ponderous missal at her head;
+    She vanished away; and what a smell
+    Of my _whole_, she left in the hermit's cell!
+
+        Brim-stone.
+
+Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because
+he's a sea-king what never was!
+
+Who do they speak of as the most delicately modest young man that ever
+lived? The young man who, when bathing at Long Branch, swam out to sea
+and drowned himself because he saw two ladies coming!
+
+Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate (prop a
+gate).
+
+What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands
+before its face and runs down its own works!
+
+When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down!
+
+What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A
+ditch.
+
+When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly.
+
+Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs.
+Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi).
+
+What part of a locomotive train ought to have the most careful
+attention? The tender part.
+
+What is the difference between a premiere danseuse and a duck? One goes
+quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs.
+
+Watching which dancer reminds you of an ancient law? Seeing the
+Taglioni's legs reminds you forcibly of the legs Taglioni's (lex
+talionis).
+
+When may funds be supposed to be unsteady? When money is "tight."
+
+    My _first_ is what mortals ought to do;
+    My _second_ is what mortals have done;
+    My _whole_ is the result of my first.
+
+        Love-err (lover).
+
+Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff!
+
+Why is a man with a great many servants like an oyster? Because he's
+eat out of house and home.
+
+Why is the fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy them
+without crackers.
+
+Why was General Washington childless? Because a nation might call him
+father.
+
+Why is a very pretty, well-made, fashionable girl like a thrifty
+housekeeper? Because she makes a great bustle about a small waist.
+
+Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a political meeting?
+Because there is a gathering there, and always more bustle than
+necessary.
+
+Why is a young lady's bustle like an historical tale? Because it's a
+fiction founded on fact.
+
+What game does a lady's bustle resemble? Back-gammon.
+
+Why does a girl lace herself so tight to go out to dinner? Because she
+hears much stress laid on "Grace before meat!"
+
+Why are women's _corsets_ the greatest speculators in the bills of
+mortality? Because they contract--to kill.
+
+    A stranger comes from foreign shores,
+      Perchance to seek relief;
+    Curtail him, and you find his tail
+      Unworthy of belief;
+    Curtailed again, you recognize
+      An old Egyptian chief.
+
+          Alien--A lie--Ali.
+
+From a number that's odd cut off the head, it then will even be;
+its tail, I pray, next take away, your mother then you'll see.
+Seven--even--Eve.
+
+What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half?
+Half-penny!
+
+Make V. (five) less by adding to it. IV. (four).
+
+What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes
+acorns, the other--makes corns ache.
+
+Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique
+(blows so bleak).
+
+What would be an appropriate exclamation for a man to make when cold,
+in a boat, out fishing? When, D. V., we get off this _eau_, we'll have
+some eau-d-v.
+
+How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.
+
+What should put the idea of drowning into your head if it be freezing
+when you are on the briny deep? Because you would wish to "scuttle" the
+ship if the air was coal'd.
+
+What sort of an anchor has a toper an anchoring after? An anker (just
+ten gallons) of brandy.
+
+Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all
+the ten commandments at once.
+
+Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are
+wicked; and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made
+light of.
+
+Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parafins (pair o'
+fins).
+
+When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is
+put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away.
+
+Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
+becomes.
+
+Why is the blessed state of matrimony like an invested city? Because
+when out of it we wish to be in it, and when in it we wish to be out of
+it.
+
+Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other
+goes.
+
+When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) across the
+woods--and plains.
+
+We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like? An
+ax with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
+
+When is a carpenter like a circumstance? When he alters cases.
+
+How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to
+Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.
+
+Tell us why it is vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use
+of flash language.
+
+Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every
+post.
+
+What is the difference between a correspondent and a co-respondent? One
+is a man who does write, and the other a man who does wrong.
+
+O tell us what kind of servants are best for hotels? The
+Inn-experienced.
+
+Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for cups, and
+plates, and steaks (stakes).
+
+What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.
+
+Why are sugar-plums like race-horses? Because the more you lick them
+the faster they go.
+
+What extraordinary kind of meat is to be bought in the Isle of Wight?
+Mutton from Cowes.
+
+Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on
+his stomach.
+
+What wine is both food and drink? Port wine with a crust.
+
+When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of
+being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
+
+When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds
+it.
+
+When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when
+fold-ed.
+
+Why are circus-horses such slow goers? Because they are taught-'orses
+(tortoises).
+
+I am forever, yet was never. Eternity.
+
+Why is a railroad-car like a bed-bug? Because it runs on sleepers.
+
+Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly. Because
+he can only be par-boiled.
+
+What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.
+
+Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.
+
+Place three sixes together, so as to make seven. 6 6-6.
+
+Add one to nine and make it twenty. IX--cross the _I_, it makes XX.
+
+    My first of anything is half,
+      My second is complete;
+    And so remains until once more
+      My first and second meet.
+
+              Semi-circle.
+
+Why is lip-salve like a duenna? Because it's meant to keep the chaps
+off!
+
+Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they
+keep the sparks off!
+
+Apropos of convents, what man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun!
+
+Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees. Because you
+unbuzz-em (unbosom)!
+
+Why, when you are going out of town, does a railroad conductor cut a
+hole in your ticket? To let you pass through.
+
+What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The
+door-knocker.
+
+How many cows' tails would it take to reach from New York to Boston,
+upon the rule of eleven and five-eighth inches to the foot, and having
+all the ground leveled between the two places? One, if it was long
+enough.
+
+What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous,
+civilized, and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.
+
+What is the greatest instance on record of the power of the magnet? A
+young lady, who drew a gentleman thirteen miles and a half every Sunday
+of his life.
+
+When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists (tourists).
+
+What is that which, when you are going over the White Mountains, goes
+up-hill and down-hill, and all over everywhere, yet never moves? The
+road.
+
+Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it's
+always drawn with the drag-on.
+
+When are babies traveling abroad? When going to Brest.
+
+Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never
+see two of them together.
+
+What is the cheapest way of procuring a fiddle? Buy some castor-oil and
+you will get a vial in (violin).
+
+What is that which every one wishes, and yet wants to get rid of as
+soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.
+
+When is an old lady like a trout. When she takes a fly that brings her
+to the bank.
+
+What is the differedce betweed ad orgadist ad the influedza? Wud dose
+the stops, the other stops the dose.
+
+What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill?
+A draft.
+
+What is a good sleeping-draught? Taking a doze.
+
+Why is a man clearing a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?
+Because he does it in his leap (his sleep).
+
+Why are ladies--whether sleeping on sofas or not--like hinges? Because
+they are things to a door (adore).
+
+Why is a door that refuses to open or shut properly like a man unable
+to walk, his leg being broken? Because both cases are the result of a
+hinge-awry (injury)!
+
+What relation is the door-mat to the door-step? A step-farther.
+
+Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it's always wood
+(would)--or should be.
+
+There was a carpenter who made a cupboard-door; it proved too big; he
+cut it, and unfortunately then he cut it too little; he thereupon cut
+it again and made it fit beautifully; how was this? He didn't cut it
+enough the first time.
+
+Why is an actress like an angel? Because we never see one but what is
+painted.
+
+Why are your eyes like post-horses? Because they are continually under
+the lashes.
+
+    My _first_ was one of high degree,--
+      So thought he.
+    He fell in love with the Lady Blank,
+    With her eyes so bright and form so lank.
+    She was quite the beauty to his mind,
+    And had two little pages tripping behind,
+
+    But Lady Blank was already wed;
+      And 'twas said
+    That her lord had made a jealous shock.
+    So he kept her in with his wonderful lock.
+    My _second_ hung dangling by his side,
+    With two little chains by which it was tied.
+
+    The lady unto her lover spoke:
+      (A capital joke),
+    "If you can pick that terrible lock,
+    Then at my chamber you may knock;
+    I'll open my door in good disguise,
+    And you shall behold my two little eyes."
+
+    Said the nobleman of high degree:
+      "Let--me--see!
+    I know none so clever at these little jobs,
+    As the Yankee mechanic, John Hobbs, John Hobbs;
+    I'll send for him, and he shall undo,
+    In two little minutes the door to you."
+
+    At night John Hobbs he went to work,
+      And with a jerk
+    Turn'd back the lock, and called to my _first_,
+    To see that my _second_ the ward had burst--
+    When my _first_, with delight he opened the door,
+    There came from within a satirical roar,
+    For my _first_ and my _whole_ stood face to face,
+    A queer-looking pair in a queer-looking place.
+
+        Don-key.
+
+Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.
+
+Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want
+carrying out.
+
+Take away my first letter, I remain unchanged; take away my second
+letter, there is no apparent alteration in me; take away all my letters
+and I still continue unchanged. The postman.
+
+Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the
+age of discretion.
+
+Why is love like a canal-boat? Because it's an internal transport.
+
+Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.
+
+    O'Donoghue came to the hermit's cell;
+    He climbed the ladder, he pulled the bell;
+    "I have ridden," said he, "with the saint to dine
+    On his richest meal and his reddest wine."
+
+    The hermit hastened my _first_ to fill
+    With water from the limpid rill;
+    And "drink," quoth he, of the "juice, brave knight,
+    Which breeds no fever, and prompts no fight."
+
+    The hermit hastened my _second_ to spread
+    With stalks of lettuce and crusts of bread;
+    And "taste," quoth he, "of the cates, fair guest,
+    Which bring no surfeit, and break no rest."
+
+    Hasty and hungry the chief explored
+    My _whole_ with the point of his ready sword,
+    And found, as yielded the latch and lock,
+    A pasty of game and a flagon of hock.
+
+        Cup-board.
+
+When is a school-master like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy
+for a pupil.
+
+Why are dogs and cats like school-masters and their pupils? Because one
+is of the canine (canin'), the other of the feline (feelin') species.
+
+Why will seeing a school-boy being thoroughly well switched bring to
+your lips the same exclamation as seeing a man lifting down half a pig,
+hanging from a hook? Because he's a pork-reacher (poor creature).
+
+Apropos of pork hanging, what should a man about to be hung have for
+breakfast? A hearty-choke (artichoke) and a _h_oister (oyster).
+
+Why is a wainscoted room like a reprieve? Because it saves hanging.
+
+Why is the hangman's noose like a box with nothing in it? Because it's
+hemp-tie (empty).
+
+Why is a man hung better than a vagabond? Because he has visible means
+of support.
+
+    My _first_ is a thing, though not very bewitchin',
+    Is of infinite use when placed in the kitchen;
+    My _second's_ a song, which, though a strange thing,
+    No one person living could ever yet sing;
+    My _whole_ is a man, who's a place in the City,
+    But the last of his race you'd apply to for pity?
+
+        Jack Catch!
+
+Mention the name of an object which has two heads, one tail, four legs
+on one side, and two on the other? A lady on horseback.
+
+Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a
+gall-on.
+
+How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved? They exhibit their
+"presents of mind" by "giving you a bit of it!"
+
+How is it you can never tell a lady's real hysterics from her sham
+ones? Because, in either case, it's a feint (faint).
+
+When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
+When at the opera, as then they are in tiers (tears).
+
+When is a man like a green gooseberry? When a woman makes a fool of him.
+
+What kind of a book might a man wish his wife to resemble? An almanac;
+for then he could have a new one every year.
+
+When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
+
+What, as milliners say, is "the sweetest thing in bonnets?" A lady's
+two-lips.
+
+    There is a noun of plural number,
+    Foe to peace and tranquil slumber;
+    But add to it the letter s,
+    And--wond'rous metamorphosis--
+    Plural is plural now no more,
+    And sweet what bitter was before?
+
+        Cares--caress.
+
+If you were kissing a young lady, who was very spooney (and a nice,
+ladel-like girl), what would be her opinion of newspapers during the
+operation? She wouldn't want any _Spectators_, nor _Observers_, but
+plenty of _Times_.
+
+    Look in the papers, I'm sure to appear;
+    Look in the oven, perhaps I am there;
+    Sometimes I assist in promoting a flame,
+    Sometimes I extinguish--now, reader, my name?
+
+        Puff.
+
+If a bear were to go into a dry-goods store, what would he want?
+Muzzlin' (muslin).
+
+When my first is broken, it stands in need of my second, and my whole
+is part of a lady's dress? Rib-band.
+
+Let us inquire why a vine is like a soldier? Because it is 'listed,
+trained, has tendrils, and then shoots.
+
+Why is a blacksmith the most likely person to make money by causing the
+alphabet to quarrel? Because he makes A poke-R and shove-L, and gets
+paid for so doing?
+
+If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost $7.75, what would a ton of coals
+come to? To ashes.
+
+What part of a lady's dress can a blacksmith make? No, no, not her
+crinoline; guess again; why, her-mits. [Nonsense, we don't mean
+hermits; we mean he can make an anchor right (anchorite).]
+
+Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he
+is always on the strike for wages.
+
+What is the difference between photography and the whooping-cough? One
+makes fac similes, the other sick families.
+
+Why is a wide-awake hat so called? Because it never had a nap, and
+never wants any.
+
+What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One
+has feeling, the other is felt.
+
+One of the most "wide-awake" people we ever heard of was a "one-eyed
+beggar," who bet a friend he could see more with his one eye than the
+friend could see with two. How was this? Because he saw his friend's
+two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.
+
+What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses.
+
+Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it's seldom seen after Lent.
+
+Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes
+(close) of the week.
+
+Why is a washerwoman the most cruel person in the world? Because she
+daily wrings men's bosoms.
+
+Why are laundresses no better than idiots? Because they try to catch
+soft water when it rains hard.
+
+Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
+
+    I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;
+    But those who are in, entirely are out of it.
+
+        Sane--insane.
+
+When is a man more than one man? When he's one beside himself.
+
+What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of
+body.
+
+What is the difference between the punctual arrival of a train and a
+collision? One is quite an accident, the other isn't!
+
+Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not
+even passable.
+
+How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half
+amount to? Ten: herself, 1; husband, 0--total, 10.
+
+What is the superlative of temper? Tempest?
+
+What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if
+they could only speak? You see by us (Eusebius)!
+
+Why is a wax candle like Mr. Dickens'--the immortal Dickens'--last
+book? Because it's a cereal (serial) work.
+
+If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors
+would you feel at once disposed to name? Dickens--Howitt--Burns.
+
+When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden ("Enoch
+Arden")!
+
+What question of three words may be asked Tennyson concerning a brother
+poet, the said question consisting of the names of three poets only?
+Watt's Tupper's Wordsworth (what's Tupper's words worth)?
+
+Name the difference between a field of oats and M. F. Tupper? One is
+cut down, the other cut up!
+
+How do we know Lord Byron did not wear a wig? Because every one admired
+his coarse-hair (corsair) so much!
+
+Why ought Shakespeare's dramatic works be considered unpopular? Because
+they contain Much Ado About Nothing.
+
+Why was Dickens a greater man than Shakespeare? Because Shakespeare
+wrote well, but Dickens wrote Weller.
+
+Why are apples like printers' types? Because they are often in _pi(e)_.
+
+How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept his
+choler (collar) down!
+
+How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the
+earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior.
+
+What is the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he
+could "recite" his poems, but not resight himself!
+
+Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because, if the ancient Scandinavians
+had their "Scalds," we have also had our Burns!
+
+If a tough beef-steak could speak, what English poet would it mention?
+Chaw-sir (Chaucer)!
+
+Why has Hanlon, the gymnast, such a wonderful digestion? Because he
+lives on ropes and poles, and thrives.
+
+If Hanlon fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? Why, most
+certainly against his inclination.
+
+What song would a little dog sing who was blown off a ship at sea? "My
+Bark is on the Sea."
+
+What did the sky-terrier do when he came out of the ark? He went
+smelling about for ere-a-rat (Ararat) that was there to be found.
+
+What did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dog's tail? "After
+you!"
+
+What did the pistol-ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give
+satisfaction."
+
+What is the difference between an alarm bell put on a window at night
+and half an oyster? One is shutter-bell, the other but a shell.
+
+    I am borne on the gale in the stillness of night,
+    A sentinel's signal that all is not right.
+    I am not a swallow, yet skim o'er the wave;
+    I am not a doctor, yet patients I save;
+    When the sapling has grown to a flourishing tree,
+    It finds a protector henceforward in me?
+
+          Bark!
+
+Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's
+farthest from the bark.
+
+Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two
+tonics (Teutonics).
+
+My first is a prop, my second's a prop, and my whole is a prop? A
+foot-stool.
+
+    My _first_ I hope you are,
+    My _second_ I see you are,
+    My _whole_ I know you are.
+
+        Wel-come.
+
+My first is not, nor is my second, and there is no doubt that, until
+you have guessed this puzzle, you may reckon it my whole? Non-plus.
+
+What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?
+The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead).
+
+Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon
+(sole on).
+
+Why is swearing aloud like an old coat? Because it's a bad habit.
+
+What's the difference between a man and his tailor, when the former is
+in prison at the latter's suit? He's let him in, and he won't let him
+out.
+
+When does a man double his capital? When he makes one pound two every
+day.
+
+You don't know what the exact antipodes to Ireland is? You mean to
+say you don't? Nonsense. Why, suppose we were to bore a hole exactly
+through the earth, starting from Dublin, and you went in at this end,
+where would you come out? Where would you come out? why, out of the
+hole, to be sure.
+
+What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?
+One uses wax candles--the other dips!
+
+What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and Signor
+Mario? One sings mass in white, and the other mass in yellow
+(Masaniello).
+
+Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping
+into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
+
+What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?
+Daylight.
+
+Why should painters never allow children to go into their studios?
+Because of them easels (the measles) which are there.
+
+Why is it not extraordinary to find a painter's studio as hot as an
+oven? Because it is there he makes his bread.
+
+Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough
+before he gets another.
+
+Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket, to be sure.
+
+What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and
+waistcoat first.
+
+Talking about waistcoats, why was Balaam like a Lifeguardsman? Because
+he went about with his queer ass (cuirass).
+
+In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic
+(Hebraic).
+
+If you become surety at a police-court for the reappearance of
+prisoners, why are you like the most extraordinary ass that ever lived?
+Because you act the part of a donkey to bail 'em (Balaam).
+
+Why is the Apollo Belvidere like a piece of new music? Because it's a
+new ditty in its tone (a nudity in stone).
+
+    I am white, and I'm brown; I am large, and I'm small;
+    Male and female I am, and yet that's not all--
+    I've a head without brains, and a mouth without wit;
+    I can stand without legs, but I never can sit.
+    Although I've no mind, I am false and I'm true,
+    Can be faithful and constant to time and to you;
+    I am praised and I'm blamed for faults not my own,
+    But I feel both as little as if I were stone.
+
+        A bust.
+
+When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions? When he makes faces
+and--and--busts!
+
+Why was "Uncle Tom's Cabin" not written by a female hand? Because it
+was written by Mrs. Beecher's toe (Stowe).
+
+Why is intoxication like a slop bowl? 'Cos it am de-basin' (debasing)!
+
+    When my first is my last, like a Protean elf,
+    Will black become white, and a part of yourself?
+
+        Ebon--bone.
+
+Why is a short negro like a lady's light-blue organdy muslin dress,
+when it is trimmed with poppies and corn-flowers, and she wears it at a
+Monday hop? Because he's not at-all black!
+
+Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he's a negro-man-sir
+(necromancer).
+
+Apropos of blacks, why is a shoe-black like an editor? Because he
+polishes the understandings of his patrons.
+
+What is that which is black, white, and red all over, which shows some
+people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A newspaper.
+
+[Some wag said that when he wanted to see if any of his friends were
+married, he looked in the "news of the weak!"]
+
+When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed.
+
+Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and
+reviews.
+
+Why are little boys that loaf about the docks like hardware merchants?
+Because they sell iron and steel (steal) for a living.
+
+
+ECHOES.
+
+What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.
+
+What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.
+
+What would give a blind man the greatest delight. Light.
+
+What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.
+
+Who commits the greatest abominations? Nations.
+
+Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.
+
+Why is Joseph Gillott a very bad man? Because he wishes to accustom the
+public to steel (steal) pens, and then tries to persuade them that they
+do (right) write.
+
+    Ever eating, ever cloying,
+      Never finding full repast,
+    All devouring, all destroying,
+      Till it eats the world at last?
+
+        Fire.
+
+What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
+
+When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.
+
+If you drive a nail in a board and clinch it on the other side, why is
+it like a sick man? Because it is in firm.
+
+Why is the steeple of St. Paul's church like Ireland? Because there is
+a bell fast (Belfast) in it.
+
+Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is
+surrounded by felloes (fellows).
+
+What mechanic never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
+
+Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of getting into
+a room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
+
+Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they
+are always for-getting everything.
+
+Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
+year are called? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.
+
+What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one
+bringing the other, but which if we do get them the one bringing the
+other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune!
+
+Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars
+invariably run over sleepers.
+
+Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because
+they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
+
+Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy
+bred (bread).
+
+What would be a good epitaph on a duckling just dead? Peas (peace) to
+its remains!
+
+Why should the "evil one" make a good husband? Because the deuce can
+never be-tray!
+
+Why is money often moist? Because it's frequently dew (due) in the
+morning, and mist (missed) at night.
+
+What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?
+Chin-chilly!
+
+What's the difference between a calf and a lady who lets her dress
+draggle in the mud? One sucks milk, the other--unfortunately for our
+boots--mucks silk.
+
+What is the best word of command to give a lady who is crossing a muddy
+road? Dress up in front, close (clothes) up behind.
+
+What is that from which you may take away the whole, and yet have some
+left? The word whole-some.
+
+    Complete, you'll own, I commonly am seen
+    On garments new, and old, the rich, the mean;
+    On ribbons gay I court your admiration,
+    But yet I'm oft a cause for much vexation
+    To those on whom I make a strong impression;
+    The meed, full oft, of folly or transgression;
+    Curtail me, I become a slender shred,
+    And 'tis what I do before I go to bed,
+    But an excursion am without my head;
+    Again complete me, next take off my head,
+    Then will be seen a savory dish instead;
+    Again behead me, and, without dissection,
+    I'm what your fruit is when in full perfection;
+    Curtailed--the verb to tear appears quite plain;
+    Take head and tail off,--I alone remain.
+
+        Stripe; strip; trip; tripe; ripe; rip; I.
+
+Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw the capitol
+at Washington all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if
+necessary.
+
+Apropos of money, etc., why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because
+they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide
+awake all the time.
+
+And what do they do when they die? Lie still.
+
+When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.
+
+What proverb must a lawyer not act up to? He must not take the will for
+the deed.
+
+    Those who have me do not wish for me;
+    Those who have me do not wish to lose me;
+    Those who gain me have me no longer;
+
+        Law-suit.
+
+If an attorney sent his clerk to a client with a bill and the client
+tells him to "go to the d----l," where does the clerk go? Straight back
+to the lawyer.
+
+Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, car il faut
+qu'il dise, Adieu honneur.
+
+Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it
+hollow.
+
+What is the difference between a choir-master and ladies' dresses,
+A. D. 1869? The one trains a choir, the others acquire trains.
+
+When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head.
+
+If you met a pig in tears, what animal's name might you mention to it?
+Pork you pine.
+
+The proverb says, "One swallow does not make Spring;" when is the
+proverb wrong? When the swallow is one gulp at a big boiling hot cup
+of tea in a railway station, as, if that one swallow does not make one
+spring, we should be glad to hear what does.
+
+How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make one American run?
+Ten-dons!
+
+What is that which we all swallow before we speak? Pap!
+
+    Enigma guessers, tell me what I am.
+    I've been a drake, a fox, a hare, a lamb--
+    You all possess me, and in every street
+    In varied shape and form with me you'll meet;
+    With Christians I am never single known,
+    Am green, or scarlet, brown, white, gray, or stone.
+    I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve,
+    And went with her, when she, alas! did leave.
+    To Britain with Caractacus I came,
+    And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame.
+    The lover gives me on his wedding-day,
+    The poet writes me in his natal lay;
+    The father always gives me to each son,
+    It matters not if he has twelve or one;
+    But has he daughters?--then 'tis plainly shown
+    That I to them am seldom but a loan.
+
+        Name.
+
+What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more
+than yourself? Your name.
+
+What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does
+not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
+
+What's the difference between the fire coming out of a steamship's
+chimney and the steam coming out of a flannel shirt airing? One is the
+flames from the funnel, the other the fumes from the flannel.
+
+Why is a Joint Company not like a watch? Because it does _not_ go on
+after it is wound up!
+
+When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up
+in himself.
+
+Why ought golden sherry to suit tipplers? Because it's topers' (topaz)
+color.
+
+What was it gave the Indian eight and ten-legged gods their name of
+Manitous? Why, their many toes, of course!
+
+What should a man's wife be like? A lamb; young, playful, tender,
+nicely dressed, and with--"mint" sauce!
+
+Why should we pity the young Exquimaux? Because each one of them is
+born to blubber!
+
+What kind of a hen lays the longest? A dead hen.
+
+Why _does_ a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's
+chicken-hearted!
+
+What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and
+chops about.
+
+Why is your considering yourself handsome like a chicken? Because it's
+a matter of a-pinion (opinion)!
+
+What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at
+pleasure; the other plays at leisure.
+
+Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be
+in fowl (foul) language!
+
+What is the difference between a chicken who can't hold its head up and
+seven days? One is a weak one, and the other is one week.
+
+Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a
+living.
+
+Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden?
+Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture)!
+
+Why are young ladies born deaf sure to be more exemplary than young
+ladies not so afflicted? Because they have never erred (heard) in their
+lives!
+
+Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them here
+(hear)!
+
+Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is lost
+upon him!
+
+What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard
+up, the other is soft down!
+
+Which is the more valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars?
+The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and
+when you take it out again you see it increases.
+
+It is often asked who introduced salt pork into the Navy. Noah, when he
+took Ham into the Ark.
+
+Who was the first man? Chap. I.--mentioned in Genesis.
+
+Who took in the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua
+countermanded the Sun.
+
+Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the Ark? Because, although
+the Ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch).
+
+In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him?
+In the Ark.
+
+What animal took the most luggage in the Ark, and which the least? The
+elephant, who had his trunk, while the fox and the cock had only a
+brush and comb between them.
+
+Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave
+rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and
+the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah;
+the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.
+
+What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He
+took a fresh one.
+
+What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and Columbus?
+One is a dish-cover, the other a dis(h)coverer.
+
+What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he
+is--bigger the better? Skin him.
+
+    I was before man, I am over his doom,
+    And I dwell on his mind like a terrible gloom.
+    In my garments the whole Creation I hold,
+    And these garments no being but God can unfold.
+    Look upward to heaven I baffle your view,
+    Look into the sea and your sight I undo.
+    Look back to the Past--I appear like a power,
+    That locks up the tale of each unnumbered hour.
+    Look forth to the Future, my finger will steal
+    Through the mists of the night, and affix its dread seal.
+    Ask the flower why it grows, ask the sun why it shines,
+    Ask the gems of the earth why they lie in its mines;
+    Ask the earth why it flies through the regions of space,
+    And the moon why it follows the earth in its race;
+    And each object my name to your query shall give,
+    And ask you again why you happened to live.
+    The world to disclose me pays terrible cost,
+    Yet, when I'm revealed, I'm instantly lost.
+
+        Mystery.
+
+Why is a Jew in a fever like a diamond? Because he's a Jew-ill (jewel).
+
+Why is a rakish Hebrew like this joke? Because he's a Jew de spree (jeu
+d'esprit).
+
+What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? One was king of
+the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.
+
+Why are lawyers like shears? Because they don't cut each other, but
+only what comes between them.
+
+Why is the law like a flight of rockets? Because there is a great
+expense of powder, the cases are well got up, the reports are
+excellent, but the sticks are sure to come to the ground.
+
+Which is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
+
+What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because
+they're Arno boats there.
+
+What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? The bridge of
+size (sighs).
+
+Why is conscience like the check-string of a carriage? Because it's an
+inward check on the outward man.
+
+    I seldom speak, but in my sleep;
+    I never cry, but sometimes weep;
+    Chameleon-like, I live on air,
+    And dust to me is dainty fare?
+
+        The nose.
+
+What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he
+takes? The snuffers.
+
+Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are
+continually passing between them.
+
+Why is the nose on your face like the _v_ in "civility?" Because it's
+between two eyes.
+
+Name that which with only one eye put out has but a nose left. Noise.
+
+What is that which you can go nowhere without, and yet is of no use to
+you? Noise.
+
+What is that which stands fast, yet sometimes runs fast? The nose.
+
+When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists.
+
+    The tea-things were gone, and round grandpapa's chair
+      The young people tumultuously came;
+    "Now give us a puzzle, dear grandpa," they cried;
+      "An enigma, or some pretty game."
+
+    "You shall have an enigma--a puzzling one, too,"
+      Said the old man, with fun in his eye;
+    "You all know it well; it is found in this room;
+      Now, see who'll be first to reply:"
+
+     1. In a bright sunny clime was the place of my birth,
+        Where flourished and grew on my native earth;
+     2. And my parents' dear side ne'er left for an hour
+        Until gain-seeking man got me into his power--
+     3. When he bore me away o'er the wide ocean wave,
+        And now daily and hourly to serve him I slave.
+     4. I am used by the weakly to keep them from cold,
+     5. And the nervous and timid I tend to make bold;
+     6. To destruction sometimes I the heedless betray,
+     7. Or may shelter the head from the heat of the day.
+     8. I am placed in the mouth to make matters secure,
+     9. But that none wish to eat me I feel pretty sure.
+    10. The minds of the young I oft serve to amuse,
+        While the blood through their systems I freely diffuse;
+    11. And in me may the representation be seen
+        Of the old ruined castle, or church on the green.
+
+What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call
+his mother to the window to see something wonderful? Mammy-look
+(Mameluke).
+
+What's the difference between a Bedouin Arab and a milkman in a large
+way of business? One has high dromedaries, the other has hired roomy
+dairies (higher dromedaries).
+
+Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has retired
+on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) out of the
+water.
+
+What's the difference between Charles Kean and Jonah? One was brought
+up at Eton, the other was eaten and brought up.
+
+    I've led the powerful to deeds of ill,
+    And to the good have given determined will.
+    In battle-fields my flag has been outspread,
+    Amid grave senators my followers tread.
+    A thousand obstacles impede my upward way,
+    A thousand voices to my claim say, "Nay;"
+    For none by me have e'er been urged along,
+    But envy follow'd them and breath'd a tale of wrong.
+    Yet struggling upward, striving still to be
+    Worshiped by millions--by the bond and free;
+    I've fought my way, and on the hills of Fame,
+    The trumpet's blast pronounced the loud acclaim.
+    When by the judgment of the world I've been
+    Hurl'd from the heights my eyes have scarcely seen,
+    And I have found the garland o'er my head
+    Too frail to live--my home was with the dead.
+
+                    Ambition.
+
+Why was Oliver Cromwell like Charles Kean? Give it up, do; you don't
+know it; you can't guess it. Why?--because he was--Kean after Charles.
+
+What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One
+bayonets--the other nets a bay.
+
+    Ladies who wish the married state to gain,
+      May learn a lesson from this brief charade;
+    And proud are we to think our humble muse
+      May in such vital matters give them aid.
+
+    The Lady B---- (we must omit the name)
+      Was tall in stature and advanced in years,
+    And leading long a solitary life
+      Oft grieved her, even to the fall of tears.
+
+    At length a neighbor, bachelor, and old,
+      But not too old to match the Lady B----,
+    Feeling his life monotonous and cold,
+      Proposed to her that they should wedded be.
+
+    Proposed, and was accepted--need we say?
+      Even the wedding-day and dress were named;
+    And gossips' tongues had conn'd the matter o'er--
+      Some praised the union, others strongly blamed.
+
+    The Lady B----, whose features were my _first_,
+      Was well endowed with beauties that are rare,
+    Well read, well spoken--had, indeed, a mind
+      With which few of the sex called tender can compare.
+
+    But the old bachelor had all the ways
+      Of one grown fidgety in solitude;
+    And he at once in matters not his own
+      Began unseemly and untimely to intrude.
+
+What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours
+with rain, the other roars with pain!
+
+When will water stop running down hill? Why, when it gets to the bottom.
+
+Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the
+more they are with them!
+
+If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash to get well, why is it like four
+letters of the alphabet? Because it's soapy cure (it's o-p-q-r)!
+
+What sort of a medical man is a horse that never tumbles down like? An
+'ack who's sure (accoucheur)!
+
+    My father was a slippery lad, and died 'fore I was born,
+    My ancestors lived centuries before I gained my form.
+    I always lived by sucking, I ne'er ate any bread,
+    I wasn't good for anything till after I was dead.
+    They bang'd and they whang'd me, they turned me outside in,
+    They threw away my body, saved nothing but my skin.
+    When I grew old and crazy--was quite worn out and thin,
+    They tore me all to pieces, and made me up again.
+    And then I traveled up and down the country for a teacher,
+    To some of those who saw me, I was good as any preacher.
+
+      Flax.
+
+Why is a jeweler like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces
+the ears for the sake of ornament!
+
+What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and
+broken? Pieces!
+
+Why is an old man's head like a song "executed" (murdered) by an
+indifferent singer? Because it's often terribly bawled (bald)!
+
+What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing-room after
+dinner? A different one.
+
+Why is a school-mistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses
+into classes.
+
+If an egg were found on a music-stool, what poem of Sir Walter Scott's
+would it remind you of? The Lay of the Last Minstrel.
+
+Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because
+you would be making game of him!
+
+John Smith, Esq., went out shooting, and took his interestingly
+sagacious pointer with him; this noble quadrupedal, and occasionally
+graminiverous specimen, went not before, went not behind, nor on one
+side of him; then where did the horrid brute go? Why, on the other side
+of him, of course.
+
+    My _first_, a messenger of gladness;
+    My _last_, an instrument of sadness;
+    My _whole_ looked down upon my last and smiled--
+    Upon a wretch disconsolate and wild.
+    But when my _whole_ looked down and smiled no more,
+    That wretch's frenzy and his pain were o'er.
+
+          Sun-beam.
+
+Why is a bad hat like a fierce snarling pup dog? Because it snaps (its
+nap's) awful.
+
+My _first_ is my _second_ and my _whole_. Pa-pa.
+
+How is it the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding they may
+protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only
+miss givings.
+
+Why is a hunted fox like a Puseyite? Because he's a tracked-hairy-un
+(tractarian).
+
+Why did Du Chaillu get so angry when he was quizzed about the gorilla?
+Because his monkey was up!
+
+What's the difference between the cook at an eating-house and Du
+Chaillu? One lives by the gridiron, the other by the g'riller.
+
+Why is the last conundrum like a monkey? Because it is far fetched and
+full of nonsense.
+
+    My first, loud chattering, through the air,
+      Bounded 'mid tree-tops high,
+    Then saw his image mirror'd, where
+      My second murmured by.
+
+    Taking it for a friend, he strayed
+      T'wards where the stream did roll,
+    And was the sort of fool that's made
+      The first day of my whole.
+
+          Ape-ril (1).
+
+What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage-wheel.
+
+Which would you rather, look a greater fool than you are, or be a
+greater fool than you look? Let a person choose, then say, "That's
+impossible."
+
+What was Joan of Arc made of? She was--we have every reason to
+believe--Maid of Orleans!
+
+Which would you rather, that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you would
+rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course!
+
+When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to
+another!
+
+    I paint without colors, I fly without wings,
+    I people the air with most fanciful things;
+    I hear sweetest music where no sound is heard,
+    And eloquence moves me, nor utters a word.
+    The past and the present together I bring,
+    The distant and near gather under my wing.
+    Far swifter than lightning my wonderful flight,
+    Through the sunshine of day, or the darkness of night;
+    And those who would find me, must find me, indeed,
+    As this picture they scan, and this poesy read.
+
+        Imagination.
+
+A pudding-bag is a pudding-bag, and a pudding-bag has what everything
+else has; what is it? A name.
+
+What vegetable does a lady's tongue resemble? The scarlet runner!
+
+Why was it, as an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in
+which a goat was browsing, that a most wonderful metamorphosis took
+place? Because the goat turned to butter (butt her), and the antique
+party to a scarlet runner!
+
+What is the most wonderful animal in the farm-yard? A pig, because he
+is killed and then cured!
+
+Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he
+prefers "zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer."
+
+Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.
+
+    'Twas winter, and some merry boys
+      To their comrades beckoned,
+    And forth they ran with laughing tongues,
+      And much enjoyed my _second_.
+
+    And as the sport was followed up,
+      There rose a gladsome burst,
+    When lucklessly amid their group
+      One fell upon my _first_.
+
+    There is with those of larger growth
+      A winter of the soul,
+    And when _they_ fall, too oft, alas!
+      They evidence my _whole_.
+
+            Back-slide.
+
+Why has the beast that carries the Queen of Siam's palanquin nothing
+whatever to do with the subject? Because it's her elephant (irrelevant).
+
+What did the seven wise men of Greece do when they met the sage of
+Hindoostan? Eight saw sages (ate sausages).
+
+What small animal is turned into a large one by being beheaded? Fox--ox.
+
+Why is an elephant's head different from any other head? Because if you
+cut his head off his body, you don't take it from the trunk.
+
+Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.
+
+Why is a cent like a cow? Because it has a head and a tail and two
+sides.
+
+When a hen is sitting across the top of a five-barred gate, why is she
+like a cent? Because she has a head one side and a tail the other.
+
+Why do old maids wear mittens? To keep off the chaps.
+
+Why does a miller wear a white hat? To keep his head warm.
+
+What is the difference between a winter storm and a child with a cold?
+In the one it snows, it blows; the other it blows its nose.
+
+Who are generally most sick of children? The people who "bring them up."
+
+Who are children most sick of? The mothers that bore them.
+
+What is one of the greatest, yet withal most melancholy wonders in
+life? The fact that it both begins and ends with--an earse (a nurse).
+
+What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for
+the first born, the other for the last bourne!
+
+Why is a wet-nurse like Vulcan? Because she is engaged to wean-us
+(Venus).
+
+What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell).
+
+Why does a woman residing up two pairs of stairs remind you of a
+goddess? Because she's a second Floorer (Flora).
+
+If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, what
+classical name might she mention? You-row-pa (Europa).
+
+How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read
+of his struggles with the tight uns (Titans).
+
+What hairy Centaur could not possibly be spared from the story of
+Hercules? The one that is--Nessus-hairy!
+
+To be said to your _inamorata_, your lady love: What's the difference
+between Jupiter and your very humble servant? Jupiter liked nectar and
+ambrosia; I like to be next yer and embrace yer!
+
+When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent).
+
+Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she got a little
+prophet (profit) from the rushes on the bank.
+
+Why is the treadmill like a true convert? Because its turning is the
+result of conviction.
+
+What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner?
+One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold!
+
+Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers
+a horn to every one he meets.
+
+How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated!
+
+Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical
+Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not
+(Juggernaut).
+
+What does a man who has had a glass too much call a chronometer? A
+watch-you-may-call-it!
+
+What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?
+One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.
+
+    You eat it, you drink it, deny who can;
+    It is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man?
+
+          A toast.
+
+When is it difficult to get one's watch out of one's pocket? When it's
+(s)ticking there.
+
+What does a salmon breeder do to that fish's ova? He makes an
+egg-salmon-nation of them.
+
+Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova
+(over) before it comes to life.
+
+Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?
+Because he's no better.
+
+    My _first_ may be to a lady a comfort or a bore,
+    My _second_, where you are, you may for comfort shut the door.
+    My _whole_ will be a welcome guest
+    Where tea and tattle yield their zest.
+
+        Muff-in.
+
+What's the difference between a fish dinner and a racing establishment?
+At the one a man finds his sauces for his table, and in the other he
+finds his stable for his horses.
+
+Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his
+business makes him sell-fish.
+
+    Through thy short and shadowy span
+    I am with thee, child of man;
+    With thee still from first to last,
+    In pain and pleasure, feast and fast,
+    At thy cradle and thy death,
+    Thine earliest wail and dying breath,
+    Seek thou not to shun or save,
+    On the earth or in the grave;
+    The worm and I, the worm and I,
+    In the grave together lie.
+
+          The letter A.
+
+If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name
+should you address him? Nap-holy-un.
+
+Why is the Emperor Napoleon III. like a retired waiter? Because he
+remembers Ham, and when he cut it.
+
+When was Napoleon I. most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
+
+Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it
+was built for one sovereign--and finished for another.
+
+Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is
+ever surrounded by Paris-ites.
+
+What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry
+attic).
+
+What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles
+(Themistocles).
+
+Why is an expensive widow--pshaw!--pensive widow we mean--like the
+letter X? Because she is never in-consolable!
+
+What kind of a cat may be found in every library? Cat-alogue.
+
+Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it.
+
+Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because
+it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.
+
+    'Twas Christmas-time, and my nice _first_
+      (Well suited to the season)
+    Had been well served, and well enjoyed--
+      Of course I mean in reason.
+
+    And then a game of merry sort
+      My _second_ made full many do;
+    One player, nimbler than the rest,
+      Caught sometimes one and sometimes two.
+
+    She was a merry, laughing wench,
+      And to the sport gave life and soul;
+    Though maiden dames, and older folk,
+      Declared her manners were my _whole_.
+
+          Flip-pant.
+
+What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It's a vane thing to
+aspire."
+
+Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of the
+adjective solemn, with illustrations of the meaning of the word?
+Solemn, being married: solemner, not being able to get married;
+solemnest, wanting to be un-married when you are married.
+
+Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of getting on
+in the world? Get on; get honor; get honest.
+
+    Sir Kenneth rode forth from his castle gate,
+      On a prancing steed rode he;
+    He was my _first_ of large estate,
+      And he went the Lady Ellen to see.
+
+    The Lady Ellen had been wedded five years,
+      And a goodly wife proved she;
+    She'd a lovely boy, and a lovelier girl,
+      And they sported upon their mother's knee.
+
+At what period of his sorrow does a widower recover the loss of his
+dear departed? When he re-wives!
+
+What would be a good motto to put up at the entrance of a cemetery?
+"Here lie the dead, and here the living lie!"
+
+Why, asks a disconsolate widow, is venison like my late and never
+sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband? Because--oh, dear! oh, dear!--it's
+the dear departed!
+
+
+[THE END.]
+
+
+
+
+USEFUL AND INSTRUCTIVE BOOKS.
+
+
+ HOW TO BECOME AN ENGINEER--Containing full instructions how to proceed
+   in order to become a locomotive engineer; also directions for
+   building a model locomotive; together with a full description of
+   everything an engineer should know. Price 10 cents. For sale by all
+   newsdealers, or we will send it to you, postage free, upon receipt
+   of the price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher,              New York.
+
+ HOW TO BECOME A NAVAL CADET--Complete instructions of how to gain
+   admission to the Annapolis Naval Academy. Also containing the course
+   of instructions, descriptions of grounds and buildings, historical
+   sketch, and everything a boy should know to become an officer in
+   the United States Navy. Compiled and written by Lu Senarens, Author
+   of "How to Become a West Point Military Cadet." Price 10 cents. For
+   sale by every newsdealer in the United States and Canada, or will be
+   sent to your address, post-paid, on receipt of the price. Address
+   Frank Tousey, publisher,                                    New York.
+
+ HOW TO DO CHEMICAL TRICKS--Containing over one hundred highly amusing
+   and instructive tricks with chemicals. By A. Anderson. Handsomely
+   illustrated. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or sent
+   post-paid, upon receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, Publisher,
+                                                               New York.
+
+ HOW TO MAKE MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS--Full directions how to make a
+   Banjo, Violin, Zither, Æolian Harp, Xylophone and other musical
+   instruments, together with a brief description of nearly every
+   musical instrument used in ancient or modern times. Profusely
+   illustrated. By Algernon S. Fitzgerald, for 20 years bandmaster
+   of the Royal Bengal Marines. Price 10 cents. For sale by all
+   newsdealers, or we will send it to your address, postpaid, on
+   receipt of the price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher,      New York.
+
+ MULDOON'S JOKES--This is one of the most original joke books ever
+   published, and it is brimful of wit and humor. It contains a large
+   collection of songs, jokes, conundrums, etc., of Terrence Muldoon,
+   the great wit, humorist, and practical joker of the day. We offer
+   this amusing book, together with the picture of "Muldoon," for the
+   small sum of 10 cents. Every boy who can enjoy a good substantial
+   joke should obtain a copy immediately. Address Frank Tousey,
+   publisher,                                                  New York.
+
+ HOW TO KEEP AND MANAGE PETS--Giving complete information as to the
+   manner and method of raising, keeping, taming, breeding, and
+   managing all kinds of pets; also giving full instructions for making
+   cages, etc. Fully explained by 28 illustrations, making it the most
+   complete book of the kind ever published. Price 10 cents. Address
+   Frank Tousey, publisher,                                    New York.
+
+ HOW TO DO ELECTRICAL TRICKS.--Containing a large collection of
+   instructive and highly amusing electrical tricks, together with
+   illustrations. By A. Anderson. Price 10 cents. For sale by all
+   newsdealers, or sent, post-paid, upon receipt of the price. Address
+   Frank Tousey, Publisher,                                    New York.
+
+ HOW TO WRITE LETTERS--A wonderful little book, telling you how to
+   write to your sweetheart, your father, mother, sister, brother,
+   employer; and, in fact, everybody and anybody you wish to write
+   to. Every young man and every young lady in the land should have
+   this book. It is for sale by all newsdealers. Price 10 cents, or
+   sent from this office on receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey,
+   publisher,                                                  New York.
+
+ HOW TO DO PUZZLES--Containing over 300 interesting puzzles and
+   conundrums with key to same. A complete book. Fully illustrated.
+   By A. Anderson. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or
+   sent, post-paid, upon receipt of the price. Address Frank Tousey,
+   Publisher,                                                  New York.
+
+ HOW TO DO 40 TRICKS WITH CARDS--Containing deceptive Card Tricks as
+   performed by leading conjurers and magicians. Arranged for home
+   amusement. Fully illustrated. Price 10 cents. Address Frank Tousey,
+   publisher,                                                  New York.
+
+ HOW TO MAKE A MAGIC LANTERN--Containing a description of the lantern,
+   together with its history and invention. Also full directions for
+   its use and for painting slides. Handsomely illustrated, by John
+   Allen. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers in the United
+   States and Canada, or will be sent to your address, post-paid, on
+   receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher,          New York.
+
+ HOW TO BECOME AN ACTOR--Containing complete instructions how to make
+   up for various characters on the stage; together with the duties
+   of the Stage Manager, Prompter, Scenic Artist and Property Man. By
+   a prominent Stage Manager. Price 10 cents. Address Frank Tousey,
+   publisher,                                                      N. Y.
+
+ HOW TO DO THE BLACK ART--Containing a complete description at the
+   mysteries of Magic and Sleight-of-Hand, together with many wonderful
+   experiments. By A. Anderson. Illustrated. Price 10 cents. Address
+   Frank Tousey, publisher,                                        N. Y.
+
+ HOW TO BE A DETECTIVE--By Old King Brady, the world known detective.
+   In which he lays down some valuable and sensible rules for
+   beginners, and also relates some adventures and experiences of
+   well-known detectives. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers
+   in the United States and Canada, or sent to your address, post-paid,
+   on receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher,       New York.
+
+ HOW TO BECOME A CONJURER--Containing tricks with Dominoes, Dice, Cups
+   and Balls, Hats, etc. Embracing 36 illustrations. By A. Anderson.
+   Price 10 cents. Address Frank Tousey, publisher,            New York.
+
+ HOW TO DO MECHANICAL TRICKS--Containing complete instructions for
+   performing over sixty Mechanical Tricks. By A. Anderson. Fully
+   illustrated. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or we will
+   send it by mail, postage free, upon receipt of price. Address Frank
+   Tousey, Publisher,                                              N. Y.
+
+ HOW TO DO SIXTY TRICKS WITH CARDS--Embracing all of the latest and
+   most deceptive card tricks with illustrations. By A. Anderson. Price
+   10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or we will send it to you by
+   mail, postage free, upon receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey,
+   Publisher,                                                      N. Y.
+
+ HOW TO MAKE ELECTRICAL MACHINES--Containing full directions for making
+   electrical machines, induction coils, dynamos, and many novel toys
+   to be worked by electricity. By R. A. R. Bennett. Fully illustrated.
+   Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers in the United States and
+   Canada, or will be sent to your address, post-paid, on receipt of
+   price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher,                     New York.
+
+ HOW TO BECOME A BOWLER--A complete manual of bowling. Containing full
+   instructions for playing all the standard American and German games,
+   together with rules and systems of sporting in use by the principal
+   bowling clubs in the United States. By Bartholomew Batterson. Price
+   10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers in the United States and
+   Canada, or sent to your address, postage free, on receipt of the
+   price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher,                     New York.
+
+
+
+
+THE LARGEST AND BEST LIBRARY.
+
+PLUCK AND LUCK.
+
+Colored Covers. 32 Pages. All Kinds of Good Stories. Price 5 Cents.
+Issued Weekly. Read List Below.
+
+
+ No.
+
+  1 Dick Decker, the Brave Young Fireman         by Ex Fire Chief Warden
+
+  2 The Two Boy Brokers; or, From Messenger Boys to Millionaires
+                                                     by a Retired Banker
+
+  3 Little Lou, the Pride of the Continental Army. A Story of the
+      American Revolution                      by General Jas. A. Gordon
+
+  4 Railroad Ralph, the Boy Engineer                  by Jas. C. Merritt
+
+  5 The Boy Pilot of Lake Michigan              by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson
+
+  6 Joe Wiley, the Young Temperance Lecturer             by Jno. B. Dowd
+
+  7 The Little Swamp Fox. A Tale of General Marion and His Men
+                                               by General Jas. A. Gordon
+
+  8 Young Grizzly Adams, the Wild Beast Tamer. A True Story of
+      Circus Life                                        by Hal Standish
+
+  9 North Pole Nat; or, The Secret of the Frozen Deep
+                                                by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson
+
+ 10 Little Deadshot, the Pride of the Trappers           by An Old Scout
+
+ 11 Liberty Hose; or, The Pride of Plattsvill    by Ex Fire Chief Warden
+
+ 12 Engineer Steve, the Prince of the Rail            by Jas. C. Merritt
+
+ 13 Whistling Walt, the Champion Spy. A Story of the American Revolution
+                                               by General Jas. A. Gordon
+
+ 14 Lost in the Air; or, Over Land and Sea               by Allyn Draper
+
+ 15 The Little Demon; or, Plotting Against the Czar     by Howard Austin
+
+ 16 Fred Farrell, the Barkeeper's Son                    by Jno. B. Dowd
+
+ 17 Slippery Steve, the Cunning Spy of the Revolution
+                                               by General Jas. A. Gordon
+
+ 18 Fred Flame, the Hero of Greystone No. 1      by Ex Fire Chief Warden
+
+ 19 Harry Dare; or, A New York Boy in the Navy      by Col. Ralph Fenton
+
+ 20 Jack Quick, the Boy Engineer                      by Jas. C. Merritt
+
+ 21 Doublequick, the King Harpooner; or, The Wonder of the Whalers
+                                                by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson
+
+ 22 Rattling Rube, the Jolly Scout and Spy. A Story of the  Revolution
+                                               by General Jas. A. Gordon
+
+ 23 In the Czar's Service; or Dick Sherman in Russia    by Howard Austin
+
+ 24 Ben o' the Bowl; or The Road to Ruin                 by Jno. B. Dowd
+
+ 25 Kit Carson, the King of Scouts                       by an Old Scout
+
+ 26 The School Boy Explorers; or Among the Ruins of Yucatan
+                                                        by Howard Austin
+
+ 27 The Wide Awakes; or, Burke Halliday, the Pride of the Volunteers
+                                                 by Ex Fire Chief Warden
+
+ 28 The Frozen Deep; or Two Years in the Ice    by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson
+
+ 29 The Swamp Rats; or, The Boys Who Fought for Washington
+                                                  by Gen. Jas. A. Gordon
+
+ 30 Around the World on Cheek                           by Howard Austin
+
+ 31 Bushwhacker Ben; or, The Union Boys of Tennessee
+                                                      by Col. Ralph Fent
+
+
+For sale by all newsdealers, or sent to any address on receipt of
+price, 5 cents per copy--6 copies for 25 cents. Address
+
+    FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,
+    24 UNION SQUARE,    NEW YORK.
+
+
+
+
+OUR TEN CENT HAND BOOKS.
+
+USEFUL, INSTRUCTIVE AND AMUSING.
+
+Containing valuable information on almost every subject, such as
+=Writing=, =Speaking=, =Dancing=, =Cooking=; also =Rules of Etiquette=,
+=The Art of Ventriloquism=, =Gymnastic Exercises=, and =The Science of
+Self-Defense=, =etc.=, =etc.=
+
+
+  1 Napoleon's Oraculum and Dream Book.
+
+  2 How to Do Tricks.
+
+  3 How to Flirt.
+
+  4 How to Dance.
+
+  5 How to Make Love.
+
+  6 How to Become an Athlete.
+
+  7 How to Keep Birds.
+
+  8 How to Become a Scientist.
+
+  9 How to Become a Ventriloquist.
+
+ 10 How to Box.
+
+ 11 How to Write Love Letters.
+
+ 12 How to Write Letters to Ladies.
+
+ 13 How to Do It; or, Book of Etiquette.
+
+ 14 How to Make Candy.
+
+ 15 How to Become Rich.
+
+ 16 How to Keep a Window Garden.
+
+ 17 How to Dress.
+
+ 18 How to Become Beautiful.
+
+ 19 Frank Tousey's U. S. Distance Tables, Pocket Companion and Guide.
+
+ 20 How to Entertain an Evening Party.
+
+ 21 How to Hunt and Fish.
+
+ 22 How to Do Second Sight.
+
+ 23 How to Explain Dreams.
+
+ 24 How to Write Letters to Gentlemen.
+
+ 25 How to Become a Gymnast.
+
+ 26 How to Row, Sail and Build a Boat.
+
+ 27 How to Recite and Book of Recitations.
+
+ 28 How to Tell Fortunes.
+
+ 29 How to Become an Inventor.
+
+ 30 How to Cook.
+
+ 31 How to Become a Speaker.
+
+ 32 How to Ride a Bicycle.
+
+ 33 How to Behave.
+
+ 34 How to Fence.
+
+ 35 How to Play Games.
+
+ 36 How to Solve Conundrums.
+
+ 37 How to Keep House.
+
+ 38 How to Become Your Own Doctor.
+
+ 39 How to Raise Dogs, Poultry, Pigeons and Rabbits.
+
+ 40 How to Make and Set Traps.
+
+ 41 The Boys of New York End Men's Joke Book.
+
+ 42 The Boys of New York Stump Speaker.
+
+ 43 How to Become a Magician.
+
+ 44 How to Write in an Album.
+
+ 45 The Boys of New York Minstrel Guide and Joke Book.
+
+ 46 How to Make and Use Electricity.
+
+ 47 How to Break, Ride and Drive a Horse.
+
+ 48 How to Build and Sail Canoes.
+
+ 49 How to Debate.
+
+ 50 How to Stuff Birds and Animals.
+
+ 51 How to Do Tricks with Cards.
+
+ 52 How to Play Cards.
+
+ 53 How to Write Letters.
+
+ 54 How to Keep and Manage Pets.
+
+ 55 How to Collect Stamps and Coins.
+
+ 56 How to Become an Engineer.
+
+ 57 How to Make Musical Instruments.
+
+ 58 How to Become a Detective.
+
+ 59 How to Make a Maple Lantern.
+
+ 60 How to Become a Photographer.
+
+ 61 How to Become a Bowler.
+
+ 62 How to Become a West Point Military Cadet.
+
+ 63 How to Become a Naval Cadet.
+
+ 64 How to Make Electrical Machines.
+
+ 65 Muldoon's Jokes.
+
+ 66 How to Do Puzzles.
+
+ 67 How to Do Electrical Tricks.
+
+ 68 How to Do Chemical Tricks.
+
+ 69 How to Do Sleight of Hand.
+
+ 70 How to Make Magic Toys.
+
+ 71 How to Do Mechanical Tricks.
+
+ 72 How to Do Sixty Tricks with Cards.
+
+ 73 How to Do Tricks with Numbers.
+
+ 74 How to Write Letters Correctly.
+
+ 75 How to Become a Conjuror.
+
+ 76 How to Tell Fortunes by the Hand.
+
+ 77 How to Do Forty Tricks with Cards.
+
+ 78 How to Do the Black Art.
+
+ 79 How to Become an Actor.
+
+ 80 Gus Williams' Joke Book.
+
+
+All the above books are for sale by newsdealers throughout the United
+States and Canada, or they will be sent, post-paid, to your address, on
+receipt of 10c. each.
+
+_Send Your Name and Address for Our Latest Illustrated Catalogue._
+
+    FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,
+    24 UNION SQUARE,    NEW YORK.
+
+
+
+
+    Transcriber's Note:
+
+    Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as
+    possible.
+
+    The format used for fractions in the original, where 1 1-4
+    represents 1¼, has been retained.
+
+    Many of the riddles are repeated, and some of the punch lines to the
+    rhymes are missing.
+
+    Italic text has been marked with _underscores_.
+    Bold text has been marked with =equals signs=.
+
+    The following is a list of changes made to the original.
+    The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one.
+
+    Page 3:
+
+    By making making man's laughter man-slaughter!
+    By making man's laughter man-slaughter!
+
+    Page 5:
+
+    Because it isn't fit for use till its broken.
+    Because it isn't fit for use till it's broken.
+
+    Page 6:
+
+    Because they nose (knows) everything?
+    Because they nose (knows) everything.
+
+    Page 8:
+
+    A sweet thing in bric-a-bric--An Egyptian molasses-jug.
+    A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug.
+
+    Page 11:
+
+    What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party?
+    What Islands would form a cheerful luncheon party?
+
+    Page 16:
+
+    Why is a palm-tree like chronology, because it furnishes dates.
+    Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates.
+
+    Page 19:
+
+    A thing to a adore (door)--The knob.
+    A thing to adore (a door)--The knob.
+
+    Short-sighted policy--wearing spectacles.
+    Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles.
+
+    Page 22:
+
+    Why is is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf?
+    Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf?
+
+    Page 24:
+
+    Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?
+    Why are certain Members' speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?
+
+    Page 25:
+
+    offer his heart in payment to his landladyz Because it is rent.
+    offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.
+
+    Page 26:
+
+    Why is a boiled herring like a rotton potato?
+    Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato?
+
+    Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course.
+    Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course?
+
+    Because there a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.
+    Because there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.
+
+    Page 30:
+
+    and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruse?
+    and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise?
+
+    Page 38:
+
+    One makes acorns, the other--make corns ache.
+    One makes acorns, the other--makes corns ache.
+
+    Because of his parafins (pair o' fins).
+    Because of his paraffins (pair o' fins).
+
+    We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tool is coffee-like?
+    We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like?
+
+    Page 40:
+
+    What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.
+    What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill?
+
+    Page 41:
+
+    In two little minutes the door to you.
+    In two little minutes the door to you."
+
+    take away my second lettler, there is no apparent alteration
+    take away my second letter, there is no apparent alteration
+
+    Why is a new-born baby like storm?
+    Why is a new-born baby like a storm?
+
+    Page 48:
+
+    Do you re-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
+    Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
+
+    Page 52:
+
+    What's the difference between a speciman of plated goods and
+    What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and
+
+    Page 53:
+
+    Now, see who'll be first to reply:
+    Now, see who'll be first to reply:"
+
+    Page 56:
+
+    when he was quizzed about the gorilla?" Because his monkey was up!
+    when he was quizzed about the gorilla? Because his monkey was up!
+
+    Page 58:
+
+    the other turns his quartz into gold?
+    the other turns his quartz into gold!
+
+    When it's (s) ticking there.
+    When it's (s)ticking there.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44099 ***