diff options
| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-03 20:28:09 -0800 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-03 20:28:09 -0800 |
| commit | f5e57dfd3b97252e6036c95780d55298388fb7b8 (patch) | |
| tree | 055c1d385fbd2e768d6414adbca6529a9746e301 | |
| parent | 65daa58ca0aa4c39ae02ec6e2539d51ea233fc17 (diff) | |
| -rw-r--r-- | 44099-0.txt (renamed from 44099.txt) | 405 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44099-8.txt | 4746 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44099-8.zip | bin | 64041 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44099-h.zip | bin | 165825 -> 0 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44099-h/44099-h.htm | 429 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 44099.zip | bin | 64016 -> 0 bytes |
6 files changed, 13 insertions, 5567 deletions
@@ -1,40 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: How to Solve Conundrums - Containing All the Leading Conundrums of the Day, Amusing - Riddles, Curious Catches, and Witty Sayings - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: November 3, 2013 [EBook #44099] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz, Paul Clark and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images -courtesy of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44099 *** HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS, @@ -3141,7 +3105,7 @@ If an attorney sent his clerk to a client with a bill and the client tells him to "go to the d----l," where does the clerk go? Straight back to the lawyer. -Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur a Dieu? Non, car il faut +Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, car il faut qu'il dise, Adieu honneur. Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it @@ -3174,7 +3138,7 @@ What is that which we all swallow before we speak? Pap! I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve, And went with her, when she, alas! did leave. To Britain with Caractacus I came, - And made Augustus Caesar known to fame. + And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame. The lover gives me on his wedding-day, The poet writes me in his natal lay; The father always gives me to each son, @@ -3853,7 +3817,7 @@ USEFUL AND INSTRUCTIVE BOOKS. New York. HOW TO MAKE MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS--Full directions how to make a - Banjo, Violin, Zither, AEolian Harp, Xylophone and other musical + Banjo, Violin, Zither, Æolian Harp, Xylophone and other musical instruments, together with a brief description of nearly every musical instrument used in ancient or modern times. Profusely illustrated. By Algernon S. Fitzgerald, for 20 years bandmaster @@ -4245,7 +4209,7 @@ _Send Your Name and Address for Our Latest Illustrated Catalogue._ possible. The format used for fractions in the original, where 1 1-4 - represents 11/4, has been retained. + represents 1¼, has been retained. Many of the riddles are repeated, and some of the punch lines to the rhymes are missing. @@ -4386,361 +4350,4 @@ _Send Your Name and Address for Our Latest Illustrated Catalogue._ End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS *** - -***** This file should be named 44099.txt or 44099.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/0/9/44099/ - -Produced by Demian Katz, Paul Clark and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images -courtesy of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at - www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 -North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email -contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the -Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44099 *** diff --git a/44099-8.txt b/44099-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index aa6b42b..0000000 --- a/44099-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4746 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: How to Solve Conundrums - Containing All the Leading Conundrums of the Day, Amusing - Riddles, Curious Catches, and Witty Sayings - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: November 3, 2013 [EBook #44099] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz, Paul Clark and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images -courtesy of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - - - - - HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS, - - CONTAINING - ALL THE LEADING CONUNDRUMS - OF - THE DAY, - AMUSING RIDDLES, CURIOUS - CATCHES, - AND - WITTY SAYINGS. - - A COMPLETE BOOK. - - New York: - FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher, - 24 UNION SQUARE. - - - Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1900, by - FRANK TOUSEY, - in the Office of the Librarian of Congress at - Washington, D. C. - - - - -How to Solve Conundrums. - - -What games are most played by soldiers? Hazard and picket! - -How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G--pig without an I! - -Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land (whole -island). - -What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, the -other tidy. - -Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common -tatur. - -What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? -The drum. - -High-toned--a church bell. - -When is a soldier like a carpenter? When he is going to drill. - -When does a farmer have the best opportunity of overlooking his pigs? -When he has a sty in his eye! - -Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it's at the end of pork! - -Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle? -Because he departs from his sphere of action. - -If a Colt's pistol has six barrels, how many ought a horse pistol to -have? Give it up. - -If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A -bee-attitude! - -What prevents a running river running right away? Why, it's tied up! - -What was the color of the wind and waves in a storm? The wind blue--the -waves rose. - -A modern spinning-wheel--the bicycle. - -How can you, by changing the pronunciation of a word only, turn mirth -into crime? By making man's laughter man-slaughter! - -Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go -off in transports! - -State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and -an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar? One weighs a pound, the -other pounds away. - -Why is a rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by -conducting it with good spirits, he has more bargains than most others, -and all his drafts (draughts) are paid. - -Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? -Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto -them! - -What is the best day for making pan-cakes? Fri-day! - -Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly -squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass! - -What word is it which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own -opposite? United; untied. - -Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets? -Because he has picked-yours (pictures)! - -Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both -occasioned the fall of man. - -Inform us concerning the difference which exists between a soldier -fighting in battle and one who has had his legs shot off? One will -discharge his musket, the other mus' get his discharge. - -Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up! - -What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain. - -What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A pack -of cards. - -What is the difference between a horse who, being entered for a race, -is withdrawn, and one who starts in a race and is beaten? One fails to -start, and the other starts to fail. - -What is that thing, and the name of a bird, which, if we had not, we -should die? A swallow. - -What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a -sty in his eye! A castle in the (h)air! - -What word it is of only three syllables which combines in it twenty-six -letters? Alphabet. - -If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be -reminded of? A pair! - -What flowers are there between a lady's nose and chin? Two-lips! - -O and P run a race; we bet upon O, but P wins; why are we then like -the fragrant Latakiah which is given us when we ask for the homely -bird's-eye? Because it was wrong tobacco (to back O). - -Why is a woman's beauty like a ten-dollar greenback? Because when once -changed it soon goes! - -What part of Spain does our cat, sleeping by herself on the hearth-rug, -resemble? Cat-alone here! (Catalonia). - -Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use till it's -broken. - -Why is a fashionable woman like a successful gambler? Because she has -such winning ways. - -When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on -without his "club!" - -A member of the Travelers' wants to know what dish he must have ordered -for dinner to be like one journeying to Tangier? We say he must be -going to Africa see ('ave fricassee). - -Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver till -her beau comes, and can't go off without one. - -What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title? A -Dutch--S. - -When is a secret like a paint-brush? When it's in violet (inviolate). - -Why is green grass like a mouse? Because the cattle eat it (cat'll eat -it). - -Why is tea more generally drunk now than a year or two back? -Because, having got rid of the garroters, we are less accustomed to -choke-o'-late (chocolate). - -When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast. - - There's a word composed of three letters alone - Which reads backwards and forwards the same; - It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, - And to beauty lays principal claim! - - Eye. - -Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence -of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth. - -Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first _u_ in "cucumber?" Because -it's between two seas. - -What Christian name, besides Anna, reads the same both ways? Hannah. - -When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it is _smoked_. - -A Fiddle D.D.--A doctor of divinity who plays the violin. - -Why is a whisper like a forged $5 note? Because it's uttered--but not -aloud (allowed). - -What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n. - -Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis). - -When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He -gets wet! - -When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When -asked, "What o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she replies, -"Sure it's ate!" - -Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. - -What, oh! what is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your -addresses. - -What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme. - -When does a man have to keep his word? When no one will take it. - -When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_. - -Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) -everything? - -Why is the French cook at the Union Club like a man sitting on the -top of a shot-tower? Because they are both in a high cool an' airy -(culinary) situation! - -Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss. - -Talking about colts (pistols, revolvers, etc.), how is it that guns can -kick when they have no legs? Why, they kick with their breeches, of -course. - -What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip! - -Who were your grandfather's first cousin's sister's son's brother's -forefathers? Why, his aunt's sisters, of course (ancestors). - -What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky! - -When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously obtained. - -Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The -wind--"Over the hills and far away!" - -Why is a youth encouraging a mustache like a cow's tail? Because he -grows down. - -What contains more feet in winter than in summer? A skating-rink. - -When may you be said to literally "drink in" music? When you have a -piano for tea. - -If you were invited to an assembly, what single word would call the -musicians to their posts, and at the same time tell you the hour to -begin dancing? At ten dance (attendance). - -What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? -Oroonoko. - -What is the difference between homicide and pig-sticking? One is -assault with intent to kill, the other a kill with intent to salt. - -Why do rusty iron spikes on a wall remind you of ice? Because they are -so often called a "shiver de freeze." - -Why is a room full of married folks like a room empty? Because there is -not a single person in it. - -What is that which makes everything visible, but is itself unseen? -Light. - - My first's a dirty little brute, - My second's at the end on't; - My third, like many an honest man, - Is on a fool dependent. - - Pig-tail. - -Why does the lightning turn milk sour? Because it doesn't know how to -conduct itself. - -Why was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company. - -What are the most disagreeable articles for a man to keep on hand? -Hand-cuffs. - -Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are locomotive engines -like? The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes). - -Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the -center of gravity. - -Do you know what the _oldest_ piece of furniture in the world is? The -multiplication-table! - -An old maid's laugh--he! he! he! - -Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing eye no better than -an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated. - -What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an -impression. - -What's the difference between a professional piano-forte player and one -that hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play. - -What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's -got one to wag. - -What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the -expulsion? Adam ain't in! (adamantine.) - - My number, definite and known, - Is ten times ten, told ten times o'er; - Though half of me is one alone, - And half exceeds all count and score. - - Thou-sand. - -At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve. - -Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and -destroy patients. - -What is the proper length for ladies' crinoline? A little above two -feet. - -What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs! - -Why is a hog in a parlor like a house on fire? Because they both want -puttin' out. - -Why is our meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and -colors beautifully! - -What three figures, multiplied by 4, will make precisely 5? 1 1-4, or -1.25. - -Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing! - -Why is a magnificent house like a book of anecdotes? It has generally -some good stories in it. - -Do you know the soldier's definition of a kiss? A report at -head-quarters! - -Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons! - -The downward path--The one with a banana-skin on it. - -Hair'em-scare'em--Bangs. - -Always happy to meat friends--Butchers. - -A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug. - -A sky-light--the sun. - -Companions in arms--Twins. - -A thing that no family should be without--A marriage certificate. - -A faux pas--Her father. - -A Jersey waste--Newark flats. - -Called bonds--Marriage ties. - -Invisible blew--The wind. - -Bachelors haul--An heiress. - - Faithful to beauty's charms and grace, - The form of loveliness I trace; - But ev'ry blemish I detect, - And point out every defect. - Though long a fav'rite with the fair, - I sometimes fill them with despair. - But still I'm consulted ev'ry day - By the old and young--the sad, the gay; - All fly to me, so fam'd for truth, - Uninfluenced by age or youth; - For I neither flatter nor defame; - So now, I think, you'll guess my name. - - A looking-glass. - -Why is a man for whom nothing is good enough like a hyena galloping? -Because he's a fast-hideous (fastidious) beast. - -Why is riding fast up a steep ascent like a little dog's female puppy -suffering from the rheumatism? Because it is a gal-pup-ill (gall(_o_)p -up (_h_)ill. - -What is a dogma--not a dog ma--a dogma? An opinion laid down with a -snarl. - -Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin. - -Ah! but how did the sandwiches get there? Because Ham was sent there, -and his followers mustard (mustered) and bre(a)d. - -Why is the Hebrew persuasion the best of all persuasions? Because it is -one that admits of no gammon. - -What is the most ancient mention made of a banking transaction? When -Pharaoh got a check on the Red Sea Bank, which was crossed by Moses. - -Why are greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the produce of -Abraham. - -What parts of what animals are like the spring and autumn gales? The -equine hocks (equinox). - - Two gamblers were sitting - Striving to cheat each other, - And, by a cunning trick, my _last_ - Had raised a fearful bother. - The one who lost he looked my _first_, - But he who won assumed my _whole_, - Which little did the luckless one - Amid his bitter grief console. - Since both were rogues, we will not screen them-- - There was not my _second_ to choose between them. - - Grim-ace. - -Who was hung for not wearing a wig? Absalom. - -Which eat most grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are -more of them. - -What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and -a sculptor? One curls up and dies, and the other makes faces and busts. - -What is the difference between a mother with a large family and a -barber? One shaves with his razors, and the other raises her shavers. - - My love for you will never know - My _first_, nor get my _second_: - 'Tis like your wit and beauty, so - My _whole_ 'twill aye be reckoned. - - End-less. - -When does a gourmand find it impossible to bridle--we ought, perhaps, -to say curb--his appetite? When he wants a bit in his mouth out of a -saddle of mutton. - - May my _first_ never be lost in my _second_, - To prevent me enjoying my _whole_. - - Friend-ship. - -Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is -impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well! - -Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by falling -due (dew). - -Why are plagiarists like Long Branch hotel-keepers with newly-married -couples? Because they are accustomed to seaside dears (seize ideas), -and to make the most out of them that is possible! - - Cut off my head, and singular I am; - Cut off my tail, and plural I appear; - Cut off both head and tail, and, wondrous fact, - Although my middle's left, there's nothing there. - What is my head?--a sounding sea; - What is my tail?--a flowing river; - In ocean's greatest depths I fearless play, - Parent of sweetest sounds though mute forever. - - Cod. - -Why is a dog's tail a great novelty? Because no one ever saw it before. - -Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though -the Queen can make a man appear (a peer), she can't make him apparent -(a parent). - -Why is the Prince of Wales, musing on his mother's government, like a -rainbow? Because it's the son's (sun's) reflection on a steady reign -(rain)! - -Why was Louis Phillippe like a very wet day? Because he rained -(reigned) as long as he could, and then--mizzled! - -When Louis Phillippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his -subjects? Because, whilst he only lost a crown, they lost a sovereign. - -Why is the final letter in Europe like a Parisian riot? Because it's an -E-mute. - -What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a -crown. - - Without my _first_ no man nor beast could live. - It was my _second_ who my _first_ did give; - And now vain man assumes my _second's_ name, - And to my _first_ makes his resistless claim. - Oh, luckless they who feel the harsh control, - When cold and heartless proves my grasping _whole_. - - Land-lord. - -Why are ballet-women so wicked? Because they are never content until -they execute their pas. - -Give a good definition for cant? Spirits of whine! - -In what respect do modern customs differ materially from ancient ones? -Formerly they were hewers of wood and drawers of water; now we have -drawers of wood and ewers of water! - -Why does a man who has been all his life a hewer of wood, that is, a -wood-cutter, never come home to dinner? Because he's not only bre(a)d -there, but he's always a chop(p)in' the wood! - -Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?" -Because he thought he was a good feller! - -What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou? And it -wilted. - -What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as, when burned, they're -ashes still. - -If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? -Tre-mend-us! - -And when is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored -(board) from its length! - -What did the rose say to the sun? Blow me! - -Ah! but what did the sun say to the rose? You be blowed! - -What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-nets! - -Why is the Ohio river like a drunken man? Because it takes in too much -Monongahela at Pittsburgh, runs past Wheeling, gets a Licking opposite -Cincinnati, and falls below Louisville. - -When is the Hudson river good for the eyes? When it's eye (high) water. - - My _first_ she was a serving-maid-- - She went to fetch some tea; - How much she brought my _second_ tells, - As plainly as can be. - - Now when you have the answer found, - Name it to others too; - My _whole_ is just the very thing, - In telling them, you'll do. - - Ann-ounce. - -Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In -Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England, -on the Thames, they have lighter-men. - -What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly Society, a -Sandwich, and Madeira. - -Tell us the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the -moment! - -And, per contra, when does a man sit down to a melancholy--we had -nearly said melon-cholic--dessert? When he sits down to whine and to -pine. - -Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? A sly friend promptly -replies, "Why, in the dark, of course." - -Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it. - -Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied) -the heavens since the creation. - -Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s, in both. - -What is that which, supposing its greatest breadth to be four inches, -length nine inches, and depth three inches, contains a solid foot? A -shoe. - -What pomatum do you imagine a woman with very pretty feet uses for her -hair? Neet-foot-oil. - -Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the soul -(sole) of it. - -Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in -sauciness. - -If a gentleman asked his lady-love to take one kind of wine, while he -drank another, what two countries would he name? Port-you-gal, I'll -have White (Portugal--Isle of Wight). - -Why should a teetotaler not have a wife? Because he can't sup-porter. - -What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A -pig's-tye, of course. - -Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are -so accustomed to keep their noses above water. - -How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of -black? Buy the above quantities in New York, and send them up to -Yonkers. - -Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman -going up to Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of -the crater! - -What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead! - -Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two -fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity). - -A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; -how was this? He had two--and one smelt! - - Suppose we begin with my _second_ TRANSPOSED, - A comical way of beginning, - But many a horse that starts last in the race - Is first at the post for the winning. - - Well, my _second_ transposed, is a terrible snare; - It has broken the hearts of a million or more, - Has put rags on the back, filled asylums and jails, - And driven my _whole_ from the door. - - Now, if you would my _first_ (teetotalers say), - The victims of sorrow and wrong, - Set them an example, the curse throw away, - Your joy will be great, and your life will be long. - - Bless-ing. - -Who would travel fastest--a man with one sack of flour on his back, or -a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, if they were empty, when -they would be lighter than a _sack of flour_. - -Why should there be a marine law against whispering? Because it is -privateering (private hearing), and consequently illegal. - -My first is the cause of my second, and my whole ought never to be -broken, though unless it be holy, and be kept so, you can't keep it at -all? Sunday. - -On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside! - -Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it's -past-your-age (pasturage). - -Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur). - -What is that thing which we all eat and all drink, though it is often a -man and often a woman? A toast! - -What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it! - -As we are told that A was not always the first letter of the alphabet, -please tell us when B was the first? In the days of No-a! - -Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. - -Why is it right B should come before C? Because we _must_ B before we -can C. - -Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will. - -Why are two T's like hops! Because they make beer better. - -Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate. - -Why is good gas like a true lover? Because it burns with a pure flame. - -Which are the best kind of agricultural fairs? Farmers' daughters. - -Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck. - -Why is a good anecdote like a public bell? Because it is often tolled -(told). - -What sport does gossiping young ladies remind you of? Deer(s) talking. - -What is that which is always in visible yet never out of sight? The -letter I. - -Why is a man in poverty like a seamstress? Because he is obliged to -make shifts. - -Why are all policemen well behaved and polite? Because they are civil -officers. - -Why is a rifle a very insignificant weapon? Because it is within a _t_ -of being a trifle. - -Why is the history of England like a wet season? Because it is full of -reigns (rains). - -Why should battle-fields be very gay places? Because balls and routs -are common there. - -When do we make a meal of a musical instrument? When we have a piano -for-te(a). - -Why is a rheumatic person like a glass window? Because he is full of -pains (panes). - -Why are the fixed stars like wicked old people? Because they -scintillate (sin till late). - -Why is the profession of a dentist always precarious? Because he lives -from hand to mouth. - -Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the -understandings of his patrons. - -Where does a similarity exist between malt and beer? In the taxing of -the one and fining of the other. - -Why may turnkeys be said to have extraordinary powers of digestion? -Because they bolt doors. - -When is a river not a river? When it is high (eye) water. - -Why is a very plain, common-place female a wonderful woman? Because she -is an extraordinary one. - -Why is your eye like a schoolmaster using corporal punishment? Because -it has a pupil under the lash. - -Why is a beautiful woman bathing like a valuable submarine machine? -Because she is a diving belle (bell). - -Why is a cabman, whatever his rank, a very ambitious person? Because he -is always looking for a hire (higher). - -Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in -payment to his landlady? Because it is rent. - -Why is a horse constantly ridden and never fed not likely to be -starved? Because he has always a bit in his mouth. - -Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English -and French? Because they were all lies (allies). - -Why is a tiger hunted in an Indian jungle, like a piece of presentation -plate? Because it is chased and charged by the ounce. - -Why is a man going to be married like a felon being conducted to the -scaffold? Because he is being led to the altar (halter). - -If there was a bird on a perch, and you wanted the perch, how would you -get it without disturbing the bird? Wait till it flew away. - -When two men exchange snuff-boxes, why is the transaction a profitable -one? Because they are getting scent per scent (cent per cent). - -Why are young ladies the fastest travelers in the world? Because the -day before marriage they are at the Cape of Good Hope, and the next day -afterwards they are in the United States. - -Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a -tail, sometimes without a tail; sometimes with both head and tail, and -sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations? A -wig. - -A gardener, going to fetch some apples out of the orchard, saw four -birds destroying some of his best fruit; he got his gun, and fired at -them, but only killed one; how many remained on the tree? None; the -rest flew away. - -The man who was struck by a coincidence is in a fair way of recovery. - -The fellow who rushed into business "run out" again in a short time. - -How to get a good wife--Take a good girl and go to the parson. - -How to strike a happy medium--Hit a drunken spiritualist. - -The young lady whose sleep was broken has had it mended. - -The movement that was "on foot" has taken a carriage. - -Hearty laugh--One that gets down among the ribs. - -Epitaph for a cannibal--"One who loved his fellow-men." - -A squeeze in grain--Treading on a man's corn. - -To get a cheap dancing lesson--Drop a flat-iron on your favorite corn. - -Why is a candle with a "long nose" like a contented man? Because it -_wants (s)nuffin_. - -When does rain seem inclined to be studious? When it's _pouring_ over a -book-stall. - -A hand-to-hand affair--Marriage. - -Bridal chambers--Harness room. - -The only kind of cake children don't cry after--A cake of soap. - -Housewife's motto--Whatever thou dost, dust it with all thy might. - -Why is life the riddle of riddles? Because we must all give it up. - -It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but that depends on -the holders. - -In making wills, some are left out and others are left "tin." - -The society lady never sheds a tear. She knows enough to keep her -powder dry. - -Something that carries conviction with it--A police-van. - -How to make a slow horse fast--Don't feed him. - -Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato? Because a bee-hive is a -bee-holder; and a beholder is a spectator, and a speck-tater is a bad -potato. - -The original wire-pullers--Irish harpers. - -A place for everything--Baby's mouth. - -A stuck-up thing--A show-bill. - -Cheap country-seat--A stump. - -Sheer cruelty--Clipping sheep. - -Song of the mouse--"Hear me gnaw, ma." - -To get along well--dig it deep. - -A growing industry--Farming. - -Why is "T" like an amphibious animal? Because it is found both in earth -and water. - -A two-foot rule--Making "rights" and "lefts." - -Much as he loves roast beef, John Bull is continually getting into an -Irish stew. - -Why is the nine-year-old boy like the sick glutton? Because he's over -eight. - -A dangerous character--A man who "takes life" cheerfully. - -Which of the reptiles is a mathematician? The adder. - -Why cannot a woman become a successful lawyer? Because she is too fond -of giving her opinion without being paid for it. - -An unvarnished tail--A monkey's. - -No head nor tail to it--A circle. - -Why is a rosebud like a promissory note? Because it matures by falling -dew. - -How do lawyers often prove their love to their neighbors? By attachment. - -Two things that go off in a hurry--An arrow dismissed by a beau, and a -beau dismissed by a belle. - -A dangerous collision--Running into debt. - -An ex-plainer--A retired carpenter. - -A great singer--The tea-kettle. - -Blood relations--War stories. - -How can a rare piece of acting be well done? - -A felt hat--One that gives you the headache. - -The egotist always has an I for the main chance. - -When are thieves like leopards? When they are "spotted." - -To be let--Some young swells' faces--they are generally _vacant_. - -A winning hand--The shapely one which is incased in a No. 6 -perfect-fitting kid glove. - -A willing man--A testator. - -Celestial timber--Sunbeams. - -Hope is the hanker of the soul. - -The oldest revolver--The earth. - -Hereditary traits--Family portraits. - -Good size for man or woman--Exercise. - -A water-spout--A temperance oration. - -Sweetness and light--The burning of a sugar refinery. - -Home-rule--Your wife's opinion. - -A "sheet" anchor--A clothes pin. - -Always open to conviction--A thief. - -The nobbiest thing in boots is a bunion. - -A thing that kicks without legs--a gun. - -A motto for young lovers--So-fa and no-father. - -The key to the convict's troubles is the turn-key. - -Wanted--An artist to paint the very picture of health. - -When is an estate like a watch? When it is wound up. - -When is a house not a house? When it is a-fire. - -Why is a box on the ears like a hat? Because it is felt. - -Why is a melancholy young lady the pleasantest companion? Because she -is always a-musing. - -Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates. - -What plaything may be deemed above every other. A top. - -Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing. - -Why is anything that is unsuitable like a dumb person. Because it won't -answer. - -Why is the letter _l_ in the word military like the nose? Because it -stands between two _i_'s. - -What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? They go -round with the world. - -The motto of the giraffe--Neck or nothing. - -A paying business--The cashier's. - -Always under the lash--The eye. - -Romantic youth, rheumatic age. - -A striking affair--A prize-fight. - -Where did the gas-man meter. - -All barbers can't razor beard. - -Ex-spurts--Retired firemen. - -Missing men--Bad marksmen. - -The popular diet for gymnasts--Turn-overs. - -A plain-dealing man--One who sells them. - -Perpetual motion--Scandal. - -Always in haste--The letter h. - -Preventives of consumption--High prices. - -Handy book-markers--Dirty fingers. - -A two-foot rule--Don't stumble. - -When can a lamp be said to be in a bad temper? When it is put out. - -Railways are aristocratic. They teach every man to know his own station -and to stop there. - -Why is a spendthrift's purse like a thunder-cloud? Because it is -continually _lightning_. - -Why is a boy almost always more noisy than a girl? Because he is more -son-orous. - -An aggravating girl--Miss Deal. - -A water-course--A series of temperance lectures. - -Attachment notice--The announcement of a marriage engagement. - -A shocking disaster--An earthquake. - -What is more chilling to an ardent lover than the beautiful's no? - -A serious movement on foot--The coming corn or bunion. - -Where do ghosts come from?--From gnome man's land. - -High-toned men--The tenor singers. - -To make a Venetian blind--Put out his eyes. - -The retired list--A hotel register at mid-night. - -Which is the debtor's favorite tree?--The willow (will owe). - -It isn't the girl that is loaded with powder who goes off the easiest. - -What does an aeronaut do after inflating his balloon? He highs himself -away on his trip. - -Something of a wag--The tip of a dog's tail. - -A wedding invitation--Asking a girl to marry you. - -Good name for a bull-dog--Agrippa. - -Flying rumors are necessarily groundless. - -Why ought Lent to pass very rapidly? Because there are so many fast -days in it. - -It is no sign because a man makes a stir in the community that he is a -spoon. - -What is that which must play before it can work? A fire-engine. - -A man ever ready to scrape an acquaintance--The barber. - -Hush money--The money paid the baby's nurse. - -When may you suppose an umbrella to be one mass of grease? When it's -dripping. - -Bootblacks are friendly little fellows. They "take a shine" to anybody. - -A dress for the concert-room--_Organ-di_ muslin with _fluted_ flounces. - -Difficult punctuation--Putting a stop to a gossip's tongue. - -A hard case--The oyster's. - -What are the dimensions of a little elbow room? - -What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait. - -What can a man have in his pocket when it is empty? A big hole. - -An old off-ender--The ship's rudder. - -Men who "stick" at their work--printers. - -Men who do light work--lamplighters. - -Men who work with a will--lawyers. - -If you would make a good deal of money at card-playing, you should make -a good deal. - -Joy is the feeling that you are better off than your neighbor. - -A matchless story--one in which there are no weddings. - -The only tree known to have teeth. Dentistry. - -Dropping the "h" is an ex-aspirating habit. - -If you would not be pitted, get vaccinated. - -Has great heeling properties. The mule. - -Barren mountains are not worth ascent. - -An ancient warrior poet--Shakespeare. - -A thing to adore (a door)--The knob. - -Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapidation? Because he -ought to be _re-paired_. - -Why are fowls gluttonous creatures? Because they take a peck at every -mouthful. - -A big mis-take--Marrying a fat girl. - -The most valuable prize--Enterprise. - -Cannibalism--Feeding a baby with its pap. - -Back-yards--The trains of ladies' dresses. - -Coquettes are the quacks of love. - -Something to lie about--A bed. - -A dangerous man--One who takes life cheerfully. - -A slow match--A couple that marries after twenty years' courtship. - -Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her -weeds. - -Who was it that first introduced salt provisions? Noah, for he took Ham -into the ark. - -Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles. - -A lightning-rod is attractive, in its way. - -"This cheese is about right," said John; and Jane replied that it was, -if mite makes right. - -What is an artist to do when he is out of canvas? He should draw on his -imagination. - -A professor of petrifaction has appeared in Paris. He has an 'art of -stone. - -"Ah!" said she to her diamonds, "you _dear_ little things!" - -After all, a doctor's diploma is but an M. D. honor. - -The desire to go somewhere in hot weather is only equaled by the desire -to get back again. - -Lay up something for a rainy day, if it is nothing more than the -rheumatism. - -The man who waxes strong every day--The shoemaker. - -To change dark hair to sandy--Go into the surf after a storm. - -A melancholy reflection--The top of a bald head in a looking-glass. - -In what age was gum-arabic introduced? In the mucilage. - -Always cut off in its prime--An interest coupon. - -The farmer's favorite vest--The harvest. - -A hallo mockery--The echo. - -Rifle clubs--Gangs of pickpockets. - -The Turkish position--Cross-legged. - -High time--That kept by a town clock. - -A home-spun dress--The skin. - -Appropriate name for a cold beauty--Al-ice. - -Toned paper--Sheet of music. - -Food for fighters--Pitch-in pie. - -Something always on hand--Your thumb. - -When a man attains the age of ninety years, he may be termed XC-dingly -old. - -When iron has been exposed to fogs, it is apt to be mist-rusted. - -A "head gardener"--A maker of artificial flowers for ladies' hair. - -A weather prophet says: "Perspiration never rains. It simply pores." - -The spots on the sun do not begin to create such a disturbance as do -the freckles on the daughter. - -Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly -polished, but very hollow. - -A capital thing--Cash. - -Stakeholders--Butchers. - -A great composer--Sleep. - -A senses taker--Whisky. - -All play--Musician's work. - -How to "serve" a dinner--Eat it. - -A "light" employment--Candle making. - -Another new reading--Man proposes, woman accepts. - -"Necessity knows no law." Well, necessity is like a great many lawyers. - -The civil service--Opening the door for anybody. - -Touching incident--A physician feeling a patient's pulse. - -Maxim for the lazy--No man can plow a field by turning it over in his -mind. - -Nature saw the bicycle in the dim future when she created a bow-legged -man. - -A black tie--A colored wife. - -An unpalatable dish--Cold shoulder. - -First 'bus in America--Columbus. - -A kid-napping case--A cradle. - -Disagreeable and impertinent--Ruin staring one in the face. - -This language of ours! A widow only resolves on a second marriage when -she re-link-wishes it. - -Why is a woman who has four sons, all sailors, like a year?--Because -she has four sea-sons. - -He sighed for the wings of a dove, but had no idea that the legs were -much better eating. - -What kind of a loan is surest to "raise the wind?"--A cyclone. - -The great composer--Chloroform. - -Foot notes--Shoemakers' bills. - -A narrow escape--The chimney flue. - -Best climate for a toper--The temperate zone. - -An attached couple--A pair of oyster-shells. - -What is the best thing out yet for real comfort?--An aching tooth. - -Two souls with but a single thought--Two boys climbing over an orchard -fence, with a bull-dog in pursuit. - -Kindred evils--Poor relations. - -A matter of course--A horse race. - -Only a question of time--Asking the hour. - -"Stirring" times--Morning hours. - -Free of charge--An empty gun. - -Passage of arms--Sleeves. - -A good name for a bill-collector--Dunham. - -A drop of the crater--Lava. - -Does it take more miles to make a land league than it does a water -league? - -All the year round--The earth. - -A trained animal--The "iron horse." - -Stands to reason--A debator who won't sit down. - -The best remedy for a man who is spell-bound--A dictionary. - -The rations on which a poet's brain is fed--Inspirations. - -A good thing to be fast--a button. - -Hardware--The friction on a schoolboy's knees. - -What was the most honest bet ever made? The alpha-bet. - -A bad habit--A seedy coat. - -Sweet home--A bee-hive. - -Pressed for time--Mummies. - -Land agitation--An earthquake. - -Held for further hearing--The ear-trumpet. - -What is the difference between a fixed star and a meteor? One is a son, -the other is a darter. - -When trains are telescoped, the poor passengers see stars. - -How to keep yourself dry? Eat freely of red herrings and salt beef, and -don't drink. - -Why is it dangerous to take a walk in the woods in spring? Because then -the trees are shooting. - -Why is a man on horseback like difficulties overcome? Because he is -Sir-mounted (surmounted). - -Why is a vocalist singing incorrectly like a forger of bad notes? -Because he is uttering false notes. - -Why is your night-cap when on your head like a giblet pie? Because it -contains a goose's head. - -Why are two laughing girls like the wings of a chicken? Because they -have a merry thought between them. - -When are a very short and a very tall judge both the same height? When -they are judges of assize (a size). - -Why is a thoughtful man like a mirror? Because he reflects. - -Why is a pig with a twisted tail like the ghost in Hamlet? Because it -can a tail (tale) unfold. - -Why is a Turk like a violin belonging to an inn? Because he is an -infidel (inn fiddle). - -Why am I the most peculiar person in the company? Because I am the -querist (queerest). - -Why is a blundering writer like an arbiter in a dispute? Because he -writes (rights) wrong. - -Why is hot bread like a caterpillar? Because it is the grub that makes -the butterfly. - -A good side-show--A pretty cheek. - -If a pair of spectacles could speak, what ancient historian would they -name?--Eusebius (you see by us). - -Why is a very angry man like the clock at fifty-nine minutes past -twelve?--Because he is just ready to strike one. - -Why is a shoe-maker like a true lover?--Because he is faithful to the -last. - -Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy?--Because -there are three scruples to a dram. - -In what respect were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different -as light from darkness?--The one was governed by deys (days), the other -by knights (nights). - -When is a fowl's neck like a bell?--When it is wrung (rung). - -When is a man thinner than a lath?--When he is a-shaving. - -When is a soldier like a baby?--When he is in arms. - -Why is a small musk-melon like a horse?--Because it makes a mango (man -go). - -Why is a man with wooden legs like one who makes an even -bargain?--Because he has nothing to boot. - -Why do bishops become wags when promoted to the highest office in the -church? Because they become arch-bishops. - -Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck. - -Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes. - -Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at -the sound of wo (woe). - -Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for -getting (forgetting). - -Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf? Because he is crusty. - -Where did the executioner of Charles I. dine, and what did he take? He -took a chop at the King's Head. - -Why is Kossuth like an Irishman's quarrel? Because he is a patriot (Pat -riot). - -Why is Ireland like a sealed bottle of champagne? Because there is a -Cork in it. - -Why is an uncut leg of bacon like Hamlet in his soliloquy? Because it -is ham let alone (Hamlet alone). - -Why should taking the proper quantity of medicine make you sleepy? -Because you take a dose. - -Why is a pack of cards containing only fifty-one, sent home, as -perfect as a pack of fifty-two sent home? Because they are in complete -(in-complete). - -Why is a good constitution like a money-box? Because its full value -becomes known when it is broken. - -Why is a flatterer like a microscope? Because he magnifies small things. - -Why is a key like a prison? Because it is full of wards. - -Why is a talkative young man like a young pig? Because he is likely to -become a bore (boar). - -Why is a city being destroyed like another being built? Because it is -being razed (raised). - -Why is a fit of coughing like the falls of Niagara? Because it is a -catarrh-act (cataract). - -If Tom owes Bob money and gives him a blow in the eye, why is that a -satisfactory settlement? Because he gives his mark in black and white, -a note of hand, and paid at sight. - -Why are your lips always at variance? Because words are frequently -passing between them. - -Why is a butcher's cart like his boots? Because he carries his calves -there. - -Why is a thief in a garret like an honest man? Because he is above -doing a bad action. - -Why are bachelors like natives of Ceylon? Because they are single he's -(Cingalese). - -When is a window like a star? When it is a skylight. - -What constellation most resembles an empty fire-place? The Great Bear -(grate bare). - -Why is a sick Jew like a diamond ring? Because he is a Jew ill (jewel). - -Why are Irishmen like the Pope? Because they make bulls. - -Why is a toll-collector at a bridge like a Jew? Because he keeps the -pass-over (Passover). - -What class of people bears a name meaning "I can't improve?" Mendicants -(Mend I can't). - -Why is the Commander-in-chief like a broker? Because he is a -Commission-agent. - -Why is an irritable man like an unskillful doctor? Because he is apt to -lose his patience (patients). - -When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_. - -Why is a village cobbler like a parson? Because he attends to the soles -(souls) of the people. - -When may a country gentleman's property be said to consist of feathers? -When his estates are all entails (hen tails). - -Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall? -Because nobody can get through them. - -Why is a man searching for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? -Because he is a-seeking (a sea king) what never existed. - -Why is the Premier like an alchemist? Because he turns one of his -friends into a gold-stick. - -Why is a theological student like a merchant? Because he studies the -prophets (profits). - -Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he -will, he cannot catch it. - -Why is an insolent fishmonger likely to get more business than a civil -one? Because, when he sells fish, he gives _sauce_. - -Why are coopers like musical composers? Because they make use of -_staves_. - -Why is Mrs. Caudle like a locomotive engine? Because she is always on -the _rail_. - -Why is a partner in a joint-stock concern like a plowman? Because he is -a _share_-holder. - -Why should a speculator use a high stiffener for his cravat? Because he -would be sure of a _rise_ in his _stock_. - -Why is a gypsy's tent like a beacon on the coast? Because it is a -_light_-house. - -Why were the English victories in the Punjaub nothing to boast of? -Because they were over Sikh (sick) armies. - -Why are Cashmere shawls like persons totally deaf? Because you cannot -_make_ them here (hear). - -Why is a ship just arrived in port like a lady eagerly desiring to go -to America? Because she is _hankering_ after a voyage. - -Why may the Commissioners for Metropolitan Improvements never be -expected to speak the truth? Because with them mend-a-city (mendacity) -is a duty. - -When is a ball not a ball? When it is snowball (no ball). - -Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn or Rossini? Because it is one of the -greatest composers of modern times. - -Why is a sword that is too brittle like an ill-natured and passionate -man? Because it is snappish and ill-tempered. - -Why are steamboat explosions like short-hand writers leaving the House -of Commons? Because they go off with reports. - -Why is the profession of a barrister not only legal, but religious? -Because it involves a knowledge of law, and a love of the profits -(prophets). - -Why ought a superstitious person to be necessarily temperate? Because -he is afraid of spirits. - -Why are the Commissioners of Stamps and Taxes like sailors at sea? -Because they are a-board. - -How is a successful gambler always an agreeable fellow? Because he has -such winning ways. - -Why should the ghost in Hamlet have been liable to the window-tax? -Because he had glazed eyes. - -Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn? Because he is an ass. - -Why is a whirlpool like a donkey? Because it is an eddy (a neddy). - -When would a bed make the best hunting ground?--When it is made anew -for rest (a new forest). - -Why are the labors of a translator likely to excite disgust? Because -they produce a version (aversion). - -Why is steam power in a locomotive like the goods lading a ship? -Because it makes the car go (cargo). - -Why was Grimaldi like a glass of good brandy and water? Because he was -a tumbler of first-rate spirit. - -Why is a man in jail and wishing to be out like a leaky boat? Because -he requires bailing (baling) out. - -Why is a congreve box without the matches superior to any other box? -Because it is matchless. - -Why was Phidias, the celebrated sculptor, laughed at by the Greeks? -Because they said he cut a pretty figure. - -Why are hot-house plants like drunkards? Because they have so many -glasses over and above. - -Why may a professor without students be said to be the most attentive -of all teachers? Because he has only two pupils and they are always in -his eye. - -When is a maiden most chaste (chased). When she is most run after. - -Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in -payment to his landlady? Because it is rent. - -Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English -and French? Because they were all lies (allies). - -Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate. - -Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the -understanding of his patrons. - -Why is a very commonplace female a wonderful woman? Because she is an -extra-ordinary one. - -Why is a man not prepared to pay his acceptance when due like a pigeon -without food? Because he has not provided for his bill. - -Why is a plum-pudding like a logical sermon? Because it is full of -raisins (reasons). - -Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their existence -is only infancy (in fancy). - -Why is a ticket-porter like a thief? Because he takes other people's -property. - -When a horse speaks, why does he do so always in the negative? Because -he neighs (nays). - -Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato? Because it is deceased -(diseased). - -Why is a cat like a tattling person? Because it is a tail-bearer -(tale-bearer). - -Why is it impossible that there should be one best horse on a -race-course? Because you will always find a better (bettor) there. - -Why is my place of business like a baker's oven? Because I make my -bread there. - -When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes. - -When is a book like a prisoner in the States of Barbary? When it is -bound in Morocco. - -Why is a retired carpenter like a lecturer on natural philosophy? -Because he is an ex-plainer. - -Why are those who quiz ladies' bustles very slanderous persons? Because -they talk of them behind their backs. - -Why is a gardener better paid than any other tradesman? Because he has -most celery (salary). - -Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course? Because she is a Bet in -place (betting-place). - -Why is a most persevering admirer of a coquette like an article she -carries in her pocket? Because he is her hanker-chief (handkerchief). - -Why is a torch like the ring of a chain? Because it is a link. - -Why is a handsome and fascinating lady like a slice of bread? Because -she is often toasted. - -Why does a Quaker resemble a fresh and sprightly horse? Because he is -full of nays (neighs). - -Why are men who lose by the failure of a bank like Macbeth? Because -each has his bank-woe (Banquo). - -Why is a row between Orangemen and Ribbonmen like a saddle? Because -there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides. - -Why is a prosy story-teller like the Thames Tunnel? Because he is a -great bore. - -Why should well-fed M. P.s object to triennial parliaments? Because it -puts them on short commons. - -Why are ladies so fond of officers? Because every lady likes a good -offer, sir (officer). - -When is the music at a party most like a ship in distress? When it sets -the pumps agoing. - -Why is your first-born child like a legal deed? Because it is -all-engrossing. - -Why is a hackney coachman like a conscientious man? Because he has an -inward check on his outward action. - -Why is a milkwoman who never sells whey the most independent person in -the world? Because she never gives whey (way) to any one. - -Why is a man digging a canoe like a boy whipped for making a noise? -Because he hollows. - -When are soldiers stronger than elephants? When they carry a fortress. - -Why has a clock a bashful appearance? Because it always keeps its hands -before its face. - -Why is an adjective like a drunken man? Because it can't stand alone. - -Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf at Rome? Because he thought -it was a good opening for a young man. - -Why is wine spoilt by being converted into negus? Because you make a -mull of it. - -Why is a baker like a judge in Chancery? Because he is Master of the -Rolls. - -Why is a bad epigram like a blunt pencil? Because it has no point. - -Why is a humorous jest like a fowl? Because it contains a merry-thought. - -Why is a schoolboy beginning to read like knowledge itself? Because he -is learning. - -Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? Because it is hardly done. - -Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a watchman? Because he -is a Pat rolling (patrolling). - -Why is the office of Prime Minister like a May-pole? Because it is a -high post. - -Why does the conductor at a concert resemble the electric telegraph? -Because he beats time. - -Why are the pages of this book like the days of this year? Because they -are all numbered. - -Why does a smoker resemble a person in a furious passion? Because he -fumes. - -Why is a burglar using false keys like a lady curling her hair? Because -he is turning locks. - -Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes. - -Why is this book like an evergreen? Because it is always full of leaves. - -Why should travelers not be likely to starve in the desert? Because of -the sand which is (sandwiches) there. - -How did the sandwiches come into the desert? Noah sent Ham, and his -descendants mustered and bred (mustard and bread). - -Why is a red-haired female like a regiment of infantry. Because she -carries fire-locks. - -Why is a locomotive like a handsome and fascinating lady? Because it -scatters the _sparks_ and _transports_ the mails (males). - -Why is a man's mouth when very large like an annual lease? Because it -extends from ear to ear (year to year). - -Why were the cannon at Delhi like tailors? Because they made breaches -(breeches). - -Why is a sheet of postage stamps like distant relations? Because they -are only slightly connected. - -How can venison never be cheap? Because it is always deer (dear). - -Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the -keys. - -Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours -(ours). - -Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night -till morning. - -Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it's down in -the mouth. - -When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it's a bad one. - -On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day. - -What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it. - -Why is a wedding-ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no -end. - -What is that which ties two persons and only one touches? A -wedding-ring. - -Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his -own (K)nell. - -Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's? -Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony. - -Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she -seams (seems). - -Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to -each of them. - -What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper. - -What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One -issues manifestoes, the other manifests toes without 'is shoes. - -Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy school-boy on Christmas-day? -Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey. - - You name me once, and I am famed - For deeds of noble daring; - You name me twice, and I am found - In savage customs sharing? - - Tar-tar. - -What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse sack -(cossack). - -Why is it that you cannot starve in the desert? Because of the -sand-which-is-there, to say nothing of the Pyramids of Ch(e)ops. - - The wind howled, and the heaving sea - Touched the clouds, then backward rolled; - And the ship strove most wondrously, - With ten feet water in her hold. - - The night is darkened, and my _first_ - No sailor's eye could see. - And ere the day should dawn again, - Where might the sailor be? - - Before the rising of the sun - The ship lay on the strand, - And silent was the minute-gun - That signaled to the land. - - The crew my _second_ had secured, - And they all knelt down to pray, - And on their upturned faces fell - The early beam of day. - - The howling of the wind had ceased, - And smooth the waters ran, - And beautiful appeared my _whole_ - To cheer the heart of man. - - Land-scape. - -What is the wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off. - -What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One -irons your linen and the other steals it. - -Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until -their works are "hung on the line." - -A poor woman carrying a basket of apples, was met by three boys, the -first of whom bought half of what she had, and then gave her back ten; -the second boy bought a third of what remained, and gave her back two; -and the third bought half of what she had now left, and returned her -one, after which she found that she had twelve apples remaining. What -number had she at first? From the twelve remaining, deduct one, and -eleven is the number she sold the last boy, which was half she had; her -number at that time, therefore, was twenty-two. From twenty-two deduct -two, and the remaining twenty was two-thirds of her prior stock, which -was therefore thirty. From thirty deduct ten, and the remainder twenty -is half her original stock; consequently she had at first forty apples. - -Why did the young lady return the dumb water? Because it didn't answer. - -There are twelve birds in a covey; Jones kills a brace, then how many -remain? None; for--unless they are idiots--they fly away! - -Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the -game alive! - -What is the height of folly? Spending your last dollar on a purse! - -What is a very good definition of nonsense? Bolting a door with a -boiled carrot. - -What soap is the hardest? Cast-steel (castile)! - - I wander when the night is dark, - I tread forbidden ground; - I rouse the house-dog's sullen bark, - And o'er the world am found. - My victims fill the gloomy jail, - And to the gallows speed; - Though in the dark, with visage pale, - I do unlawful deed, - There is an eye o'erwatching me, - A law I disobey; - And what I gain I faster lose, - When Justice owns its sway. - Though sometimes I accumulate - A fortune soon, and vast-- - A beggar at the good man's gate, - My pupil stands at last. - - Dishonesty. - - My first is irrational, - My second is rational, - My third mechanical, - My whole scientific? - - Horse-man-ship. - -Why is horse-racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course. - -What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's. - -Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the -better-tempered he is the easier he takes a-fence (offence). - -What most resembles a cat looking out of a garret window, amid a -sheltering bower of jessamine and woodbine? A cat looking into a garret -window under the same circumstances. - - A word there is five syllables contains; - Take one away--not one of them remains! - - Mo-no-syllable. - -If a man attempts to jump a ditch, and falls, why is he likely to -miss the beauties of Summer? Because the Fall follows right after the -Spring, unless he makes a Summer-set between them. - -What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating -and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She -weighs anchor. - -When is an umbrella like suet? When it is dripping. - -When is a woman not a woman? When she is a little cross. - -Why is drunkenness like a ragged coat? Because it is a bad habit. - -Why is a proud lady like a music book? Because she is full of airs. - -Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the -keys. - -Why is an avaricious merchant like a Turk? Because he worships the -profit. - -When is a plant to be dreaded more than a mad dog? When it is madder. - -Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes. - -Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it -becomes. - -Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours -(ours). - -Why is a hen walking like a base conspiracy? Because it is a foul -(fowl) proceeding. - -Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night -till morning. - -Why is a ship the politest thing in the world? Because she always -advances with a bow. - -Why is a good sermon like a kiss? Because it only requires two heads -and an application. - -Why should a thirsty man always carry a watch? Because there's a spring -inside of it. - -Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at -the sound of wo (woe). - -Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for -getting (forgetting). - -Why are clergymen like cabinet-makers when performing the marriage -ceremony? Because they are joiners. - -Why is it easy to break into an old man's house? Because his gait -(gate) is broken and his locks are few. - -Why should the world become blind if deprived of its philosophers? -Because there would be no seers. - -Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of tradesmen? Because they -are always on the strike for wages. - -Why would a great gourmand make a very clumsy dressmaker? Because the -more he takes in, the more he tucks out. - -Why is a baker the cheapest landlord but the dearest builder? He is the -cheapest landlord when he can sell you a little cottage for twopence; -when he is the dearest builder is when he charges you sixpence for a -brick. - -What is the difference between a man who has nothing to do and a -laborer? The one gets a great deal of "otium cum dig.," the latter a -great deal of dig without otium. - -Why should not ladies and gentlemen take castor oil? Because it's only -intended for working-people. - - An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet, - Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate; - And when he set off running, an Irishman was he, - Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree? - - Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, currant! - -Why is a gooseberry-tart, or even a plum-tart, like a bad dime? Because -it's not currant. - -You like to pay a good price and have the finest work, of course; but -what is that of which the common sort is best? Sense. - -When you go for ten cents' worth of very sharp, long tin-tacks, what do -you want them for? For ten cents. - -Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head. - -When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible? When the dove -brought the green back to Noah. - -What was the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc? One was -made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans. - -There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five -letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be -conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the -whole shows you what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine! - -Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his swim) -only! - - What's that? what's that? Oh, I shall faint, - Call, call the priest to lay it! - Transpose it, and to king and saint, - And great and good you pay it? - - Spectre; respect. - - Complete I betoken the presence of death, - Devoid of all symptoms of life-giving breath; - But banish my tail, and, surpassingly strange, - Life, ardor, and courage, I get by the change? - - Corpse; corps. - - Ere Adam was, my early days began; - I ape each creature, and resemble man; - I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass, - Nor leave the least impression where I pass; - Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt, - Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt. - Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night - You'll quickly find me out by candlelight? - - Shadow. - -Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it -out. - -Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then -have his leg at ease (legatees). - -What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? A -bald head. - -What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old -maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, the other cappy and hairless. - -Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they -die late (dilate). - -A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, "My age is what -you do in everything--excel" (XL). - -My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not? -Love-lie (lovely). - -What is that a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet -never takes kindly? The small-pox. - -Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam. How so? Because he was -first in the human race. - -Who was the first to swear in this world? Eve. How so? When Adam asked -her if he might take a kiss, she said, I don't care A dam if you do. - -When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve -presented Adam with a little Cain (cane). - -Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had'em)! - -What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin. - -Why was Herodias' daughter the _fastest_ girl mentioned in the New -Testament? Because she got _a-head_ of John the Baptist on a _charger_. - -When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings, as then her hands are -where her tootsicums, her feet ought to be! - -What is that which a young girl looks for, but does not wish to find? A -hole in her stocking! - -Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an -airy-naught (aeronaut). - -Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because -everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody! - -Why is the flight of an eagle _also_ a most unpleasant sight to -witness? Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar)! - -Why do little birds in their nest agree? For fear of falling out. - -Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The crane. - -And if you saw a peach with a bird on it, and you wished to get the -peach without disturbing the bird, what would you do? Do? why--wait -till he flew off. - -Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays -at the same time. - -Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because -it's easier to preach than to practice. - -Why are cripples, beggars, and such like, similar to shepherds and -fishermen? Because they live by hook and by crook. - - My _first_ doth affliction denote, - Which my _second_ is destined to feel, - But my _whole_ is the sure antidote - That affliction to soothe and to heal. - - Wo-man. - -What one word will name the common parent of both beast and man? A-dam. - -Take away one letter from me and I murder; take away two and I probably -shall die, if my whole does not save me? Kill--ill--skill. - -What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the -honey, the other gets all the whacks! - -Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor! - -What is the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of -the middle ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, and the -other used to put a cask (casque) on his head! - -Did King Charles consent to be executed with a cold chop? We have every -reason, my young friends, to believe so, for they most assuredly ax'd -him whether he would or no! - - My _first_ if 'tis lost, music's not worth a straw; - My _second's_ most graceful (?) in old age or law, - Not to mention divines; but my _whole_ cares for neither, - Eats fruits and scares ladies in fine summer weather. - - Ear-wig! - -Which of Pio Nino's cardinals wears the largest hat? Why, the one with -the largest head, of course. - -What composer's name can you give in three letters? R D T (Arditi). - -Spell enemy in three letters! No, it's not N M E; you're wrong; try -again; it's F O E! - -Spell auburn locks in two letters! S and Y. - -Spell brandy in three letters! B R and Y, and O D V. - -Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of -them? K N (cayenne). - -When is a trunk like two letters of the alphabet? When it is M T -(empty). - -What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a -word of two syllables? Plague; ague. - -Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though -never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits. - -How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything -that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n! - -What is it that occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not -once in a thousand years? The letter M. - - Three letters three rivers proclaim; - Three letters an ode give to fame; - Three letters an attribute name; - Three letters a compliment claim. - - Ex Wye Dee, L E G (elegy), Energy, and You excel! - -Which is the richest and which the poorest letter in the alphabet? S -and T, because we always hear of La Rich_esse_ and La Pauvre_te_. - -Why is A like twelve o'clock? You know, middle of day. - -Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first -in pity, he is always last in help. - -Why is the letter P like a Roman Emperor? Because it's Nero (near O). - - The beginning of eternity, - The end of time and space, - The beginning of every end, - The end of every race? - - Letter E. - -Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad. - -Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both in -earth and water. - -What letter of the Greek alphabet did the ex-King Otho probably last -think of on leaving Athens? Oh!-my-crown (omicron). - -If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to supply the -deficiency? To a grog-shop, because there bad spirits are retailed. - -Hold up your hand, and you will see what you never did see, never can -see, and never will see. What is this? That the little finger is not so -long as the middle finger. - -Which were made first, elbows or knees? Knees--beasts were created -before men. - -What is the difference between an auction and sea-sickness? One is a -sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail! - -Why is credit not given at an auction? Because all goods brought to the -hammer must be paid for--on the nail! - -What's the difference between "living in marble halls" and aboard ship? -In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in (what -the Greeks call _thalatta_) the latter you have vessels and surfs at -your side! - -When are soldiers most admired by an infant? When they are abreast. - -What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence. - -Why is a doleful face like the alternate parts taken by a choir? When -it is anti-funny (antiphony). - -If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't -an ocean (a notion). - -Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain? -Because he has always an ocean (a notion) in his head. - - The night was dark, the night was damp; - St. Bruno read by his lonely lamp: - The Fiend dropped in to make a call, - As he posted away to a fancy ball; - And "Can't I find," said the Father of Lies, - "Some present a saint may not despise?" - - Wine he brought him, such as yet - Was ne'er on Pontiff's table set: - Weary and faint was the holy man, - But he crossed with a cross the tempter's can, - And saw, ere my _first_ to his parched lip came, - That it was red with liquid flame. - - Jewels he showed him--many a gem - Fit for a Sultan's diadem: - Dazzled, I trow, was the anchorite; - But he told his beads with all his might; - And instead of my _second_ so rich and rare, - A pinch of worthless dust lay there. - - A lady at last he handed in, - With a bright black eye and a fair white skin; - The stern ascetic flung, 'tis said, - A ponderous missal at her head; - She vanished away; and what a smell - Of my _whole_, she left in the hermit's cell! - - Brim-stone. - -Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because -he's a sea-king what never was! - -Who do they speak of as the most delicately modest young man that ever -lived? The young man who, when bathing at Long Branch, swam out to sea -and drowned himself because he saw two ladies coming! - -Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate (prop a -gate). - -What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands -before its face and runs down its own works! - -When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down! - -What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A -ditch. - -When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly. - -Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. -Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi). - -What part of a locomotive train ought to have the most careful -attention? The tender part. - -What is the difference between a premiere danseuse and a duck? One goes -quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs. - -Watching which dancer reminds you of an ancient law? Seeing the -Taglioni's legs reminds you forcibly of the legs Taglioni's (lex -talionis). - -When may funds be supposed to be unsteady? When money is "tight." - - My _first_ is what mortals ought to do; - My _second_ is what mortals have done; - My _whole_ is the result of my first. - - Love-err (lover). - -Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff! - -Why is a man with a great many servants like an oyster? Because he's -eat out of house and home. - -Why is the fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy them -without crackers. - -Why was General Washington childless? Because a nation might call him -father. - -Why is a very pretty, well-made, fashionable girl like a thrifty -housekeeper? Because she makes a great bustle about a small waist. - -Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a political meeting? -Because there is a gathering there, and always more bustle than -necessary. - -Why is a young lady's bustle like an historical tale? Because it's a -fiction founded on fact. - -What game does a lady's bustle resemble? Back-gammon. - -Why does a girl lace herself so tight to go out to dinner? Because she -hears much stress laid on "Grace before meat!" - -Why are women's _corsets_ the greatest speculators in the bills of -mortality? Because they contract--to kill. - - A stranger comes from foreign shores, - Perchance to seek relief; - Curtail him, and you find his tail - Unworthy of belief; - Curtailed again, you recognize - An old Egyptian chief. - - Alien--A lie--Ali. - -From a number that's odd cut off the head, it then will even be; -its tail, I pray, next take away, your mother then you'll see. -Seven--even--Eve. - -What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half? -Half-penny! - -Make V. (five) less by adding to it. IV. (four). - -What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes -acorns, the other--makes corns ache. - -Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique -(blows so bleak). - -What would be an appropriate exclamation for a man to make when cold, -in a boat, out fishing? When, D. V., we get off this _eau_, we'll have -some eau-d-v. - -How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast. - -What should put the idea of drowning into your head if it be freezing -when you are on the briny deep? Because you would wish to "scuttle" the -ship if the air was coal'd. - -What sort of an anchor has a toper an anchoring after? An anker (just -ten gallons) of brandy. - -Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all -the ten commandments at once. - -Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are -wicked; and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made -light of. - -Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parafins (pair o' -fins). - -When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is -put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away. - -Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it -becomes. - -Why is the blessed state of matrimony like an invested city? Because -when out of it we wish to be in it, and when in it we wish to be out of -it. - -Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other -goes. - -When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) across the -woods--and plains. - -We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like? An -ax with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used. - -When is a carpenter like a circumstance? When he alters cases. - -How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to -Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile. - -Tell us why it is vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use -of flash language. - -Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every -post. - -What is the difference between a correspondent and a co-respondent? One -is a man who does write, and the other a man who does wrong. - -O tell us what kind of servants are best for hotels? The -Inn-experienced. - -Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for cups, and -plates, and steaks (stakes). - -What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one. - -Why are sugar-plums like race-horses? Because the more you lick them -the faster they go. - -What extraordinary kind of meat is to be bought in the Isle of Wight? -Mutton from Cowes. - -Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on -his stomach. - -What wine is both food and drink? Port wine with a crust. - -When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of -being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it. - -When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds -it. - -When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when -fold-ed. - -Why are circus-horses such slow goers? Because they are taught-'orses -(tortoises). - -I am forever, yet was never. Eternity. - -Why is a railroad-car like a bed-bug? Because it runs on sleepers. - -Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly. Because -he can only be par-boiled. - -What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy. - -Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware. - -Place three sixes together, so as to make seven. 6 6-6. - -Add one to nine and make it twenty. IX--cross the _I_, it makes XX. - - My first of anything is half, - My second is complete; - And so remains until once more - My first and second meet. - - Semi-circle. - -Why is lip-salve like a duenna? Because it's meant to keep the chaps -off! - -Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they -keep the sparks off! - -Apropos of convents, what man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun! - -Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees. Because you -unbuzz-em (unbosom)! - -Why, when you are going out of town, does a railroad conductor cut a -hole in your ticket? To let you pass through. - -What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The -door-knocker. - -How many cows' tails would it take to reach from New York to Boston, -upon the rule of eleven and five-eighth inches to the foot, and having -all the ground leveled between the two places? One, if it was long -enough. - -What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous, -civilized, and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form. - -What is the greatest instance on record of the power of the magnet? A -young lady, who drew a gentleman thirteen miles and a half every Sunday -of his life. - -When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists (tourists). - -What is that which, when you are going over the White Mountains, goes -up-hill and down-hill, and all over everywhere, yet never moves? The -road. - -Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it's -always drawn with the drag-on. - -When are babies traveling abroad? When going to Brest. - -Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never -see two of them together. - -What is the cheapest way of procuring a fiddle? Buy some castor-oil and -you will get a vial in (violin). - -What is that which every one wishes, and yet wants to get rid of as -soon as it is obtained? A good appetite. - -When is an old lady like a trout. When she takes a fly that brings her -to the bank. - -What is the differedce betweed ad orgadist ad the influedza? Wud dose -the stops, the other stops the dose. - -What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill? -A draft. - -What is a good sleeping-draught? Taking a doze. - -Why is a man clearing a hedge at a single bound like one snoring? -Because he does it in his leap (his sleep). - -Why are ladies--whether sleeping on sofas or not--like hinges? Because -they are things to a door (adore). - -Why is a door that refuses to open or shut properly like a man unable -to walk, his leg being broken? Because both cases are the result of a -hinge-awry (injury)! - -What relation is the door-mat to the door-step? A step-farther. - -Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it's always wood -(would)--or should be. - -There was a carpenter who made a cupboard-door; it proved too big; he -cut it, and unfortunately then he cut it too little; he thereupon cut -it again and made it fit beautifully; how was this? He didn't cut it -enough the first time. - -Why is an actress like an angel? Because we never see one but what is -painted. - -Why are your eyes like post-horses? Because they are continually under -the lashes. - - My _first_ was one of high degree,-- - So thought he. - He fell in love with the Lady Blank, - With her eyes so bright and form so lank. - She was quite the beauty to his mind, - And had two little pages tripping behind, - - But Lady Blank was already wed; - And 'twas said - That her lord had made a jealous shock. - So he kept her in with his wonderful lock. - My _second_ hung dangling by his side, - With two little chains by which it was tied. - - The lady unto her lover spoke: - (A capital joke), - "If you can pick that terrible lock, - Then at my chamber you may knock; - I'll open my door in good disguise, - And you shall behold my two little eyes." - - Said the nobleman of high degree: - "Let--me--see! - I know none so clever at these little jobs, - As the Yankee mechanic, John Hobbs, John Hobbs; - I'll send for him, and he shall undo, - In two little minutes the door to you." - - At night John Hobbs he went to work, - And with a jerk - Turn'd back the lock, and called to my _first_, - To see that my _second_ the ward had burst-- - When my _first_, with delight he opened the door, - There came from within a satirical roar, - For my _first_ and my _whole_ stood face to face, - A queer-looking pair in a queer-looking place. - - Don-key. - -Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs. - -Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want -carrying out. - -Take away my first letter, I remain unchanged; take away my second -letter, there is no apparent alteration in me; take away all my letters -and I still continue unchanged. The postman. - -Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the -age of discretion. - -Why is love like a canal-boat? Because it's an internal transport. - -Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall. - - O'Donoghue came to the hermit's cell; - He climbed the ladder, he pulled the bell; - "I have ridden," said he, "with the saint to dine - On his richest meal and his reddest wine." - - The hermit hastened my _first_ to fill - With water from the limpid rill; - And "drink," quoth he, of the "juice, brave knight, - Which breeds no fever, and prompts no fight." - - The hermit hastened my _second_ to spread - With stalks of lettuce and crusts of bread; - And "taste," quoth he, "of the cates, fair guest, - Which bring no surfeit, and break no rest." - - Hasty and hungry the chief explored - My _whole_ with the point of his ready sword, - And found, as yielded the latch and lock, - A pasty of game and a flagon of hock. - - Cup-board. - -When is a school-master like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy -for a pupil. - -Why are dogs and cats like school-masters and their pupils? Because one -is of the canine (canin'), the other of the feline (feelin') species. - -Why will seeing a school-boy being thoroughly well switched bring to -your lips the same exclamation as seeing a man lifting down half a pig, -hanging from a hook? Because he's a pork-reacher (poor creature). - -Apropos of pork hanging, what should a man about to be hung have for -breakfast? A hearty-choke (artichoke) and a _h_oister (oyster). - -Why is a wainscoted room like a reprieve? Because it saves hanging. - -Why is the hangman's noose like a box with nothing in it? Because it's -hemp-tie (empty). - -Why is a man hung better than a vagabond? Because he has visible means -of support. - - My _first_ is a thing, though not very bewitchin', - Is of infinite use when placed in the kitchen; - My _second's_ a song, which, though a strange thing, - No one person living could ever yet sing; - My _whole_ is a man, who's a place in the City, - But the last of his race you'd apply to for pity? - - Jack Catch! - -Mention the name of an object which has two heads, one tail, four legs -on one side, and two on the other? A lady on horseback. - -Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a -gall-on. - -How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved? They exhibit their -"presents of mind" by "giving you a bit of it!" - -How is it you can never tell a lady's real hysterics from her sham -ones? Because, in either case, it's a feint (faint). - -When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? -When at the opera, as then they are in tiers (tears). - -When is a man like a green gooseberry? When a woman makes a fool of him. - -What kind of a book might a man wish his wife to resemble? An almanac; -for then he could have a new one every year. - -When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman. - -What, as milliners say, is "the sweetest thing in bonnets?" A lady's -two-lips. - - There is a noun of plural number, - Foe to peace and tranquil slumber; - But add to it the letter s, - And--wond'rous metamorphosis-- - Plural is plural now no more, - And sweet what bitter was before? - - Cares--caress. - -If you were kissing a young lady, who was very spooney (and a nice, -ladel-like girl), what would be her opinion of newspapers during the -operation? She wouldn't want any _Spectators_, nor _Observers_, but -plenty of _Times_. - - Look in the papers, I'm sure to appear; - Look in the oven, perhaps I am there; - Sometimes I assist in promoting a flame, - Sometimes I extinguish--now, reader, my name? - - Puff. - -If a bear were to go into a dry-goods store, what would he want? -Muzzlin' (muslin). - -When my first is broken, it stands in need of my second, and my whole -is part of a lady's dress? Rib-band. - -Let us inquire why a vine is like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, -trained, has tendrils, and then shoots. - -Why is a blacksmith the most likely person to make money by causing the -alphabet to quarrel? Because he makes A poke-R and shove-L, and gets -paid for so doing? - -If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost $7.75, what would a ton of coals -come to? To ashes. - -What part of a lady's dress can a blacksmith make? No, no, not her -crinoline; guess again; why, her-mits. [Nonsense, we don't mean -hermits; we mean he can make an anchor right (anchorite).] - -Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he -is always on the strike for wages. - -What is the difference between photography and the whooping-cough? One -makes fac similes, the other sick families. - -Why is a wide-awake hat so called? Because it never had a nap, and -never wants any. - -What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One -has feeling, the other is felt. - -One of the most "wide-awake" people we ever heard of was a "one-eyed -beggar," who bet a friend he could see more with his one eye than the -friend could see with two. How was this? Because he saw his friend's -two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one. - -What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses. - -Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it's seldom seen after Lent. - -Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes -(close) of the week. - -Why is a washerwoman the most cruel person in the world? Because she -daily wrings men's bosoms. - -Why are laundresses no better than idiots? Because they try to catch -soft water when it rains hard. - -Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. - - I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it; - But those who are in, entirely are out of it. - - Sane--insane. - -When is a man more than one man? When he's one beside himself. - -What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of -body. - -What is the difference between the punctual arrival of a train and a -collision? One is quite an accident, the other isn't! - -Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not -even passable. - -How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half -amount to? Ten: herself, 1; husband, 0--total, 10. - -What is the superlative of temper? Tempest? - -What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if -they could only speak? You see by us (Eusebius)! - -Why is a wax candle like Mr. Dickens'--the immortal Dickens'--last -book? Because it's a cereal (serial) work. - -If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors -would you feel at once disposed to name? Dickens--Howitt--Burns. - -When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden ("Enoch -Arden")! - -What question of three words may be asked Tennyson concerning a brother -poet, the said question consisting of the names of three poets only? -Watt's Tupper's Wordsworth (what's Tupper's words worth)? - -Name the difference between a field of oats and M. F. Tupper? One is -cut down, the other cut up! - -How do we know Lord Byron did not wear a wig? Because every one admired -his coarse-hair (corsair) so much! - -Why ought Shakespeare's dramatic works be considered unpopular? Because -they contain Much Ado About Nothing. - -Why was Dickens a greater man than Shakespeare? Because Shakespeare -wrote well, but Dickens wrote Weller. - -Why are apples like printers' types? Because they are often in _pi(e)_. - -How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept his -choler (collar) down! - -How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the -earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior. - -What is the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he -could "recite" his poems, but not resight himself! - -Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because, if the ancient Scandinavians -had their "Scalds," we have also had our Burns! - -If a tough beef-steak could speak, what English poet would it mention? -Chaw-sir (Chaucer)! - -Why has Hanlon, the gymnast, such a wonderful digestion? Because he -lives on ropes and poles, and thrives. - -If Hanlon fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? Why, most -certainly against his inclination. - -What song would a little dog sing who was blown off a ship at sea? "My -Bark is on the Sea." - -What did the sky-terrier do when he came out of the ark? He went -smelling about for ere-a-rat (Ararat) that was there to be found. - -What did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dog's tail? "After -you!" - -What did the pistol-ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give -satisfaction." - -What is the difference between an alarm bell put on a window at night -and half an oyster? One is shutter-bell, the other but a shell. - - I am borne on the gale in the stillness of night, - A sentinel's signal that all is not right. - I am not a swallow, yet skim o'er the wave; - I am not a doctor, yet patients I save; - When the sapling has grown to a flourishing tree, - It finds a protector henceforward in me? - - Bark! - -Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's -farthest from the bark. - -Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two -tonics (Teutonics). - -My first is a prop, my second's a prop, and my whole is a prop? A -foot-stool. - - My _first_ I hope you are, - My _second_ I see you are, - My _whole_ I know you are. - - Wel-come. - -My first is not, nor is my second, and there is no doubt that, until -you have guessed this puzzle, you may reckon it my whole? Non-plus. - -What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments? -The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead). - -Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon -(sole on). - -Why is swearing aloud like an old coat? Because it's a bad habit. - -What's the difference between a man and his tailor, when the former is -in prison at the latter's suit? He's let him in, and he won't let him -out. - -When does a man double his capital? When he makes one pound two every -day. - -You don't know what the exact antipodes to Ireland is? You mean to -say you don't? Nonsense. Why, suppose we were to bore a hole exactly -through the earth, starting from Dublin, and you went in at this end, -where would you come out? Where would you come out? why, out of the -hole, to be sure. - -What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? -One uses wax candles--the other dips! - -What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and Signor -Mario? One sings mass in white, and the other mass in yellow -(Masaniello). - -Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping -into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). - -What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters? -Daylight. - -Why should painters never allow children to go into their studios? -Because of them easels (the measles) which are there. - -Why is it not extraordinary to find a painter's studio as hot as an -oven? Because it is there he makes his bread. - -Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough -before he gets another. - -Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket, to be sure. - -What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and -waistcoat first. - -Talking about waistcoats, why was Balaam like a Lifeguardsman? Because -he went about with his queer ass (cuirass). - -In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic -(Hebraic). - -If you become surety at a police-court for the reappearance of -prisoners, why are you like the most extraordinary ass that ever lived? -Because you act the part of a donkey to bail 'em (Balaam). - -Why is the Apollo Belvidere like a piece of new music? Because it's a -new ditty in its tone (a nudity in stone). - - I am white, and I'm brown; I am large, and I'm small; - Male and female I am, and yet that's not all-- - I've a head without brains, and a mouth without wit; - I can stand without legs, but I never can sit. - Although I've no mind, I am false and I'm true, - Can be faithful and constant to time and to you; - I am praised and I'm blamed for faults not my own, - But I feel both as little as if I were stone. - - A bust. - -When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions? When he makes faces -and--and--busts! - -Why was "Uncle Tom's Cabin" not written by a female hand? Because it -was written by Mrs. Beecher's toe (Stowe). - -Why is intoxication like a slop bowl? 'Cos it am de-basin' (debasing)! - - When my first is my last, like a Protean elf, - Will black become white, and a part of yourself? - - Ebon--bone. - -Why is a short negro like a lady's light-blue organdy muslin dress, -when it is trimmed with poppies and corn-flowers, and she wears it at a -Monday hop? Because he's not at-all black! - -Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he's a negro-man-sir -(necromancer). - -Apropos of blacks, why is a shoe-black like an editor? Because he -polishes the understandings of his patrons. - -What is that which is black, white, and red all over, which shows some -people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A newspaper. - -[Some wag said that when he wanted to see if any of his friends were -married, he looked in the "news of the weak!"] - -When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed. - -Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and -reviews. - -Why are little boys that loaf about the docks like hardware merchants? -Because they sell iron and steel (steal) for a living. - - -ECHOES. - -What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write. - -What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System. - -What would give a blind man the greatest delight. Light. - -What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace. - -Who commits the greatest abominations? Nations. - -Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire. - -Why is Joseph Gillott a very bad man? Because he wishes to accustom the -public to steel (steal) pens, and then tries to persuade them that they -do (right) write. - - Ever eating, ever cloying, - Never finding full repast, - All devouring, all destroying, - Till it eats the world at last? - - Fire. - -What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink. - -When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board. - -If you drive a nail in a board and clinch it on the other side, why is -it like a sick man? Because it is in firm. - -Why is the steeple of St. Paul's church like Ireland? Because there is -a bell fast (Belfast) in it. - -Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is -surrounded by felloes (fellows). - -What mechanic never turns to the left? A wheelwright. - -Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of getting into -a room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling). - -Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they -are always for-getting everything. - -Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring -year are called? Nov-ember and Dec-ember. - -What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one -bringing the other, but which if we do get them the one bringing the -other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune! - -Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars -invariably run over sleepers. - -Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because -they always manage to accomplish their own ends. - -Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy -bred (bread). - -What would be a good epitaph on a duckling just dead? Peas (peace) to -its remains! - -Why should the "evil one" make a good husband? Because the deuce can -never be-tray! - -Why is money often moist? Because it's frequently dew (due) in the -morning, and mist (missed) at night. - -What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur? -Chin-chilly! - -What's the difference between a calf and a lady who lets her dress -draggle in the mud? One sucks milk, the other--unfortunately for our -boots--mucks silk. - -What is the best word of command to give a lady who is crossing a muddy -road? Dress up in front, close (clothes) up behind. - -What is that from which you may take away the whole, and yet have some -left? The word whole-some. - - Complete, you'll own, I commonly am seen - On garments new, and old, the rich, the mean; - On ribbons gay I court your admiration, - But yet I'm oft a cause for much vexation - To those on whom I make a strong impression; - The meed, full oft, of folly or transgression; - Curtail me, I become a slender shred, - And 'tis what I do before I go to bed, - But an excursion am without my head; - Again complete me, next take off my head, - Then will be seen a savory dish instead; - Again behead me, and, without dissection, - I'm what your fruit is when in full perfection; - Curtailed--the verb to tear appears quite plain; - Take head and tail off,--I alone remain. - - Stripe; strip; trip; tripe; ripe; rip; I. - -Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw the capitol -at Washington all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if -necessary. - -Apropos of money, etc., why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because -they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide -awake all the time. - -And what do they do when they die? Lie still. - -When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance. - -What proverb must a lawyer not act up to? He must not take the will for -the deed. - - Those who have me do not wish for me; - Those who have me do not wish to lose me; - Those who gain me have me no longer; - - Law-suit. - -If an attorney sent his clerk to a client with a bill and the client -tells him to "go to the d----l," where does the clerk go? Straight back -to the lawyer. - -Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, car il faut -qu'il dise, Adieu honneur. - -Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it -hollow. - -What is the difference between a choir-master and ladies' dresses, -A. D. 1869? The one trains a choir, the others acquire trains. - -When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head. - -If you met a pig in tears, what animal's name might you mention to it? -Pork you pine. - -The proverb says, "One swallow does not make Spring;" when is the -proverb wrong? When the swallow is one gulp at a big boiling hot cup -of tea in a railway station, as, if that one swallow does not make one -spring, we should be glad to hear what does. - -How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make one American run? -Ten-dons! - -What is that which we all swallow before we speak? Pap! - - Enigma guessers, tell me what I am. - I've been a drake, a fox, a hare, a lamb-- - You all possess me, and in every street - In varied shape and form with me you'll meet; - With Christians I am never single known, - Am green, or scarlet, brown, white, gray, or stone. - I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve, - And went with her, when she, alas! did leave. - To Britain with Caractacus I came, - And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame. - The lover gives me on his wedding-day, - The poet writes me in his natal lay; - The father always gives me to each son, - It matters not if he has twelve or one; - But has he daughters?--then 'tis plainly shown - That I to them am seldom but a loan. - - Name. - -What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more -than yourself? Your name. - -What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does -not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. - -What's the difference between the fire coming out of a steamship's -chimney and the steam coming out of a flannel shirt airing? One is the -flames from the funnel, the other the fumes from the flannel. - -Why is a Joint Company not like a watch? Because it does _not_ go on -after it is wound up! - -When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up -in himself. - -Why ought golden sherry to suit tipplers? Because it's topers' (topaz) -color. - -What was it gave the Indian eight and ten-legged gods their name of -Manitous? Why, their many toes, of course! - -What should a man's wife be like? A lamb; young, playful, tender, -nicely dressed, and with--"mint" sauce! - -Why should we pity the young Exquimaux? Because each one of them is -born to blubber! - -What kind of a hen lays the longest? A dead hen. - -Why _does_ a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's -chicken-hearted! - -What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and -chops about. - -Why is your considering yourself handsome like a chicken? Because it's -a matter of a-pinion (opinion)! - -What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at -pleasure; the other plays at leisure. - -Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be -in fowl (foul) language! - -What is the difference between a chicken who can't hold its head up and -seven days? One is a weak one, and the other is one week. - -Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a -living. - -Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? -Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture)! - -Why are young ladies born deaf sure to be more exemplary than young -ladies not so afflicted? Because they have never erred (heard) in their -lives! - -Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them here -(hear)! - -Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is lost -upon him! - -What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard -up, the other is soft down! - -Which is the more valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? -The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and -when you take it out again you see it increases. - -It is often asked who introduced salt pork into the Navy. Noah, when he -took Ham into the Ark. - -Who was the first man? Chap. I.--mentioned in Genesis. - -Who took in the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua -countermanded the Sun. - -Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the Ark? Because, although -the Ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch). - -In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? -In the Ark. - -What animal took the most luggage in the Ark, and which the least? The -elephant, who had his trunk, while the fox and the cock had only a -brush and comb between them. - -Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave -rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and -the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah; -the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa. - -What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He -took a fresh one. - -What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and Columbus? -One is a dish-cover, the other a dis(h)coverer. - -What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he -is--bigger the better? Skin him. - - I was before man, I am over his doom, - And I dwell on his mind like a terrible gloom. - In my garments the whole Creation I hold, - And these garments no being but God can unfold. - Look upward to heaven I baffle your view, - Look into the sea and your sight I undo. - Look back to the Past--I appear like a power, - That locks up the tale of each unnumbered hour. - Look forth to the Future, my finger will steal - Through the mists of the night, and affix its dread seal. - Ask the flower why it grows, ask the sun why it shines, - Ask the gems of the earth why they lie in its mines; - Ask the earth why it flies through the regions of space, - And the moon why it follows the earth in its race; - And each object my name to your query shall give, - And ask you again why you happened to live. - The world to disclose me pays terrible cost, - Yet, when I'm revealed, I'm instantly lost. - - Mystery. - -Why is a Jew in a fever like a diamond? Because he's a Jew-ill (jewel). - -Why is a rakish Hebrew like this joke? Because he's a Jew de spree (jeu -d'esprit). - -What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? One was king of -the Jews, the other Jew of the kings. - -Why are lawyers like shears? Because they don't cut each other, but -only what comes between them. - -Why is the law like a flight of rockets? Because there is a great -expense of powder, the cases are well got up, the reports are -excellent, but the sticks are sure to come to the ground. - -Which is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. - -What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because -they're Arno boats there. - -What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? The bridge of -size (sighs). - -Why is conscience like the check-string of a carriage? Because it's an -inward check on the outward man. - - I seldom speak, but in my sleep; - I never cry, but sometimes weep; - Chameleon-like, I live on air, - And dust to me is dainty fare? - - The nose. - -What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he -takes? The snuffers. - -Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are -continually passing between them. - -Why is the nose on your face like the _v_ in "civility?" Because it's -between two eyes. - -Name that which with only one eye put out has but a nose left. Noise. - -What is that which you can go nowhere without, and yet is of no use to -you? Noise. - -What is that which stands fast, yet sometimes runs fast? The nose. - -When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists. - - The tea-things were gone, and round grandpapa's chair - The young people tumultuously came; - "Now give us a puzzle, dear grandpa," they cried; - "An enigma, or some pretty game." - - "You shall have an enigma--a puzzling one, too," - Said the old man, with fun in his eye; - "You all know it well; it is found in this room; - Now, see who'll be first to reply:" - - 1. In a bright sunny clime was the place of my birth, - Where flourished and grew on my native earth; - 2. And my parents' dear side ne'er left for an hour - Until gain-seeking man got me into his power-- - 3. When he bore me away o'er the wide ocean wave, - And now daily and hourly to serve him I slave. - 4. I am used by the weakly to keep them from cold, - 5. And the nervous and timid I tend to make bold; - 6. To destruction sometimes I the heedless betray, - 7. Or may shelter the head from the heat of the day. - 8. I am placed in the mouth to make matters secure, - 9. But that none wish to eat me I feel pretty sure. - 10. The minds of the young I oft serve to amuse, - While the blood through their systems I freely diffuse; - 11. And in me may the representation be seen - Of the old ruined castle, or church on the green. - -What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call -his mother to the window to see something wonderful? Mammy-look -(Mameluke). - -What's the difference between a Bedouin Arab and a milkman in a large -way of business? One has high dromedaries, the other has hired roomy -dairies (higher dromedaries). - -Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has retired -on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) out of the -water. - -What's the difference between Charles Kean and Jonah? One was brought -up at Eton, the other was eaten and brought up. - - I've led the powerful to deeds of ill, - And to the good have given determined will. - In battle-fields my flag has been outspread, - Amid grave senators my followers tread. - A thousand obstacles impede my upward way, - A thousand voices to my claim say, "Nay;" - For none by me have e'er been urged along, - But envy follow'd them and breath'd a tale of wrong. - Yet struggling upward, striving still to be - Worshiped by millions--by the bond and free; - I've fought my way, and on the hills of Fame, - The trumpet's blast pronounced the loud acclaim. - When by the judgment of the world I've been - Hurl'd from the heights my eyes have scarcely seen, - And I have found the garland o'er my head - Too frail to live--my home was with the dead. - - Ambition. - -Why was Oliver Cromwell like Charles Kean? Give it up, do; you don't -know it; you can't guess it. Why?--because he was--Kean after Charles. - -What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One -bayonets--the other nets a bay. - - Ladies who wish the married state to gain, - May learn a lesson from this brief charade; - And proud are we to think our humble muse - May in such vital matters give them aid. - - The Lady B---- (we must omit the name) - Was tall in stature and advanced in years, - And leading long a solitary life - Oft grieved her, even to the fall of tears. - - At length a neighbor, bachelor, and old, - But not too old to match the Lady B----, - Feeling his life monotonous and cold, - Proposed to her that they should wedded be. - - Proposed, and was accepted--need we say? - Even the wedding-day and dress were named; - And gossips' tongues had conn'd the matter o'er-- - Some praised the union, others strongly blamed. - - The Lady B----, whose features were my _first_, - Was well endowed with beauties that are rare, - Well read, well spoken--had, indeed, a mind - With which few of the sex called tender can compare. - - But the old bachelor had all the ways - Of one grown fidgety in solitude; - And he at once in matters not his own - Began unseemly and untimely to intrude. - -What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours -with rain, the other roars with pain! - -When will water stop running down hill? Why, when it gets to the bottom. - -Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the -more they are with them! - -If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash to get well, why is it like four -letters of the alphabet? Because it's soapy cure (it's o-p-q-r)! - -What sort of a medical man is a horse that never tumbles down like? An -'ack who's sure (accoucheur)! - - My father was a slippery lad, and died 'fore I was born, - My ancestors lived centuries before I gained my form. - I always lived by sucking, I ne'er ate any bread, - I wasn't good for anything till after I was dead. - They bang'd and they whang'd me, they turned me outside in, - They threw away my body, saved nothing but my skin. - When I grew old and crazy--was quite worn out and thin, - They tore me all to pieces, and made me up again. - And then I traveled up and down the country for a teacher, - To some of those who saw me, I was good as any preacher. - - Flax. - -Why is a jeweler like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces -the ears for the sake of ornament! - -What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and -broken? Pieces! - -Why is an old man's head like a song "executed" (murdered) by an -indifferent singer? Because it's often terribly bawled (bald)! - -What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing-room after -dinner? A different one. - -Why is a school-mistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses -into classes. - -If an egg were found on a music-stool, what poem of Sir Walter Scott's -would it remind you of? The Lay of the Last Minstrel. - -Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because -you would be making game of him! - -John Smith, Esq., went out shooting, and took his interestingly -sagacious pointer with him; this noble quadrupedal, and occasionally -graminiverous specimen, went not before, went not behind, nor on one -side of him; then where did the horrid brute go? Why, on the other side -of him, of course. - - My _first_, a messenger of gladness; - My _last_, an instrument of sadness; - My _whole_ looked down upon my last and smiled-- - Upon a wretch disconsolate and wild. - But when my _whole_ looked down and smiled no more, - That wretch's frenzy and his pain were o'er. - - Sun-beam. - -Why is a bad hat like a fierce snarling pup dog? Because it snaps (its -nap's) awful. - -My _first_ is my _second_ and my _whole_. Pa-pa. - -How is it the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding they may -protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only -miss givings. - -Why is a hunted fox like a Puseyite? Because he's a tracked-hairy-un -(tractarian). - -Why did Du Chaillu get so angry when he was quizzed about the gorilla? -Because his monkey was up! - -What's the difference between the cook at an eating-house and Du -Chaillu? One lives by the gridiron, the other by the g'riller. - -Why is the last conundrum like a monkey? Because it is far fetched and -full of nonsense. - - My first, loud chattering, through the air, - Bounded 'mid tree-tops high, - Then saw his image mirror'd, where - My second murmured by. - - Taking it for a friend, he strayed - T'wards where the stream did roll, - And was the sort of fool that's made - The first day of my whole. - - Ape-ril (1). - -What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage-wheel. - -Which would you rather, look a greater fool than you are, or be a -greater fool than you look? Let a person choose, then say, "That's -impossible." - -What was Joan of Arc made of? She was--we have every reason to -believe--Maid of Orleans! - -Which would you rather, that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you would -rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course! - -When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to -another! - - I paint without colors, I fly without wings, - I people the air with most fanciful things; - I hear sweetest music where no sound is heard, - And eloquence moves me, nor utters a word. - The past and the present together I bring, - The distant and near gather under my wing. - Far swifter than lightning my wonderful flight, - Through the sunshine of day, or the darkness of night; - And those who would find me, must find me, indeed, - As this picture they scan, and this poesy read. - - Imagination. - -A pudding-bag is a pudding-bag, and a pudding-bag has what everything -else has; what is it? A name. - -What vegetable does a lady's tongue resemble? The scarlet runner! - -Why was it, as an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in -which a goat was browsing, that a most wonderful metamorphosis took -place? Because the goat turned to butter (butt her), and the antique -party to a scarlet runner! - -What is the most wonderful animal in the farm-yard? A pig, because he -is killed and then cured! - -Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he -prefers "zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer." - -Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse. - - 'Twas winter, and some merry boys - To their comrades beckoned, - And forth they ran with laughing tongues, - And much enjoyed my _second_. - - And as the sport was followed up, - There rose a gladsome burst, - When lucklessly amid their group - One fell upon my _first_. - - There is with those of larger growth - A winter of the soul, - And when _they_ fall, too oft, alas! - They evidence my _whole_. - - Back-slide. - -Why has the beast that carries the Queen of Siam's palanquin nothing -whatever to do with the subject? Because it's her elephant (irrelevant). - -What did the seven wise men of Greece do when they met the sage of -Hindoostan? Eight saw sages (ate sausages). - -What small animal is turned into a large one by being beheaded? Fox--ox. - -Why is an elephant's head different from any other head? Because if you -cut his head off his body, you don't take it from the trunk. - -Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs. - -Why is a cent like a cow? Because it has a head and a tail and two -sides. - -When a hen is sitting across the top of a five-barred gate, why is she -like a cent? Because she has a head one side and a tail the other. - -Why do old maids wear mittens? To keep off the chaps. - -Why does a miller wear a white hat? To keep his head warm. - -What is the difference between a winter storm and a child with a cold? -In the one it snows, it blows; the other it blows its nose. - -Who are generally most sick of children? The people who "bring them up." - -Who are children most sick of? The mothers that bore them. - -What is one of the greatest, yet withal most melancholy wonders in -life? The fact that it both begins and ends with--an earse (a nurse). - -What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for -the first born, the other for the last bourne! - -Why is a wet-nurse like Vulcan? Because she is engaged to wean-us -(Venus). - -What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell). - -Why does a woman residing up two pairs of stairs remind you of a -goddess? Because she's a second Floorer (Flora). - -If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, what -classical name might she mention? You-row-pa (Europa). - -How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read -of his struggles with the tight uns (Titans). - -What hairy Centaur could not possibly be spared from the story of -Hercules? The one that is--Nessus-hairy! - -To be said to your _inamorata_, your lady love: What's the difference -between Jupiter and your very humble servant? Jupiter liked nectar and -ambrosia; I like to be next yer and embrace yer! - -When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent). - -Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she got a little -prophet (profit) from the rushes on the bank. - -Why is the treadmill like a true convert? Because its turning is the -result of conviction. - -What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner? -One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold! - -Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers -a horn to every one he meets. - -How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated! - -Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical -Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not -(Juggernaut). - -What does a man who has had a glass too much call a chronometer? A -watch-you-may-call-it! - -What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper? -One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch. - - You eat it, you drink it, deny who can; - It is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man? - - A toast. - -When is it difficult to get one's watch out of one's pocket? When it's -(s)ticking there. - -What does a salmon breeder do to that fish's ova? He makes an -egg-salmon-nation of them. - -Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova -(over) before it comes to life. - -Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler? -Because he's no better. - - My _first_ may be to a lady a comfort or a bore, - My _second_, where you are, you may for comfort shut the door. - My _whole_ will be a welcome guest - Where tea and tattle yield their zest. - - Muff-in. - -What's the difference between a fish dinner and a racing establishment? -At the one a man finds his sauces for his table, and in the other he -finds his stable for his horses. - -Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his -business makes him sell-fish. - - Through thy short and shadowy span - I am with thee, child of man; - With thee still from first to last, - In pain and pleasure, feast and fast, - At thy cradle and thy death, - Thine earliest wail and dying breath, - Seek thou not to shun or save, - On the earth or in the grave; - The worm and I, the worm and I, - In the grave together lie. - - The letter A. - -If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name -should you address him? Nap-holy-un. - -Why is the Emperor Napoleon III. like a retired waiter? Because he -remembers Ham, and when he cut it. - -When was Napoleon I. most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). - -Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it -was built for one sovereign--and finished for another. - -Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is -ever surrounded by Paris-ites. - -What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry -attic). - -What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles -(Themistocles). - -Why is an expensive widow--pshaw!--pensive widow we mean--like the -letter X? Because she is never in-consolable! - -What kind of a cat may be found in every library? Cat-alogue. - -Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it. - -Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because -it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue. - - 'Twas Christmas-time, and my nice _first_ - (Well suited to the season) - Had been well served, and well enjoyed-- - Of course I mean in reason. - - And then a game of merry sort - My _second_ made full many do; - One player, nimbler than the rest, - Caught sometimes one and sometimes two. - - She was a merry, laughing wench, - And to the sport gave life and soul; - Though maiden dames, and older folk, - Declared her manners were my _whole_. - - Flip-pant. - -What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It's a vane thing to -aspire." - -Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of the -adjective solemn, with illustrations of the meaning of the word? -Solemn, being married: solemner, not being able to get married; -solemnest, wanting to be un-married when you are married. - -Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of getting on -in the world? Get on; get honor; get honest. - - Sir Kenneth rode forth from his castle gate, - On a prancing steed rode he; - He was my _first_ of large estate, - And he went the Lady Ellen to see. - - The Lady Ellen had been wedded five years, - And a goodly wife proved she; - She'd a lovely boy, and a lovelier girl, - And they sported upon their mother's knee. - -At what period of his sorrow does a widower recover the loss of his -dear departed? When he re-wives! - -What would be a good motto to put up at the entrance of a cemetery? -"Here lie the dead, and here the living lie!" - -Why, asks a disconsolate widow, is venison like my late and never -sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband? Because--oh, dear! oh, dear!--it's -the dear departed! - - -[THE END.] - - - - -USEFUL AND INSTRUCTIVE BOOKS. - - - HOW TO BECOME AN ENGINEER--Containing full instructions how to proceed - in order to become a locomotive engineer; also directions for - building a model locomotive; together with a full description of - everything an engineer should know. Price 10 cents. For sale by all - newsdealers, or we will send it to you, postage free, upon receipt - of the price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - HOW TO BECOME A NAVAL CADET--Complete instructions of how to gain - admission to the Annapolis Naval Academy. Also containing the course - of instructions, descriptions of grounds and buildings, historical - sketch, and everything a boy should know to become an officer in - the United States Navy. Compiled and written by Lu Senarens, Author - of "How to Become a West Point Military Cadet." Price 10 cents. For - sale by every newsdealer in the United States and Canada, or will be - sent to your address, post-paid, on receipt of the price. Address - Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - HOW TO DO CHEMICAL TRICKS--Containing over one hundred highly amusing - and instructive tricks with chemicals. By A. Anderson. Handsomely - illustrated. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or sent - post-paid, upon receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, Publisher, - New York. - - HOW TO MAKE MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS--Full directions how to make a - Banjo, Violin, Zither, Æolian Harp, Xylophone and other musical - instruments, together with a brief description of nearly every - musical instrument used in ancient or modern times. Profusely - illustrated. By Algernon S. Fitzgerald, for 20 years bandmaster - of the Royal Bengal Marines. Price 10 cents. For sale by all - newsdealers, or we will send it to your address, postpaid, on - receipt of the price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - MULDOON'S JOKES--This is one of the most original joke books ever - published, and it is brimful of wit and humor. It contains a large - collection of songs, jokes, conundrums, etc., of Terrence Muldoon, - the great wit, humorist, and practical joker of the day. We offer - this amusing book, together with the picture of "Muldoon," for the - small sum of 10 cents. Every boy who can enjoy a good substantial - joke should obtain a copy immediately. Address Frank Tousey, - publisher, New York. - - HOW TO KEEP AND MANAGE PETS--Giving complete information as to the - manner and method of raising, keeping, taming, breeding, and - managing all kinds of pets; also giving full instructions for making - cages, etc. Fully explained by 28 illustrations, making it the most - complete book of the kind ever published. Price 10 cents. Address - Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - HOW TO DO ELECTRICAL TRICKS.--Containing a large collection of - instructive and highly amusing electrical tricks, together with - illustrations. By A. Anderson. Price 10 cents. For sale by all - newsdealers, or sent, post-paid, upon receipt of the price. Address - Frank Tousey, Publisher, New York. - - HOW TO WRITE LETTERS--A wonderful little book, telling you how to - write to your sweetheart, your father, mother, sister, brother, - employer; and, in fact, everybody and anybody you wish to write - to. Every young man and every young lady in the land should have - this book. It is for sale by all newsdealers. Price 10 cents, or - sent from this office on receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, - publisher, New York. - - HOW TO DO PUZZLES--Containing over 300 interesting puzzles and - conundrums with key to same. A complete book. Fully illustrated. - By A. Anderson. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or - sent, post-paid, upon receipt of the price. Address Frank Tousey, - Publisher, New York. - - HOW TO DO 40 TRICKS WITH CARDS--Containing deceptive Card Tricks as - performed by leading conjurers and magicians. Arranged for home - amusement. Fully illustrated. Price 10 cents. Address Frank Tousey, - publisher, New York. - - HOW TO MAKE A MAGIC LANTERN--Containing a description of the lantern, - together with its history and invention. Also full directions for - its use and for painting slides. Handsomely illustrated, by John - Allen. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers in the United - States and Canada, or will be sent to your address, post-paid, on - receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - HOW TO BECOME AN ACTOR--Containing complete instructions how to make - up for various characters on the stage; together with the duties - of the Stage Manager, Prompter, Scenic Artist and Property Man. By - a prominent Stage Manager. Price 10 cents. Address Frank Tousey, - publisher, N. Y. - - HOW TO DO THE BLACK ART--Containing a complete description at the - mysteries of Magic and Sleight-of-Hand, together with many wonderful - experiments. By A. Anderson. Illustrated. Price 10 cents. Address - Frank Tousey, publisher, N. Y. - - HOW TO BE A DETECTIVE--By Old King Brady, the world known detective. - In which he lays down some valuable and sensible rules for - beginners, and also relates some adventures and experiences of - well-known detectives. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers - in the United States and Canada, or sent to your address, post-paid, - on receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - HOW TO BECOME A CONJURER--Containing tricks with Dominoes, Dice, Cups - and Balls, Hats, etc. Embracing 36 illustrations. By A. Anderson. - Price 10 cents. Address Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - HOW TO DO MECHANICAL TRICKS--Containing complete instructions for - performing over sixty Mechanical Tricks. By A. Anderson. Fully - illustrated. Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or we will - send it by mail, postage free, upon receipt of price. Address Frank - Tousey, Publisher, N. Y. - - HOW TO DO SIXTY TRICKS WITH CARDS--Embracing all of the latest and - most deceptive card tricks with illustrations. By A. Anderson. Price - 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers, or we will send it to you by - mail, postage free, upon receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, - Publisher, N. Y. - - HOW TO MAKE ELECTRICAL MACHINES--Containing full directions for making - electrical machines, induction coils, dynamos, and many novel toys - to be worked by electricity. By R. A. R. Bennett. Fully illustrated. - Price 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers in the United States and - Canada, or will be sent to your address, post-paid, on receipt of - price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - HOW TO BECOME A BOWLER--A complete manual of bowling. Containing full - instructions for playing all the standard American and German games, - together with rules and systems of sporting in use by the principal - bowling clubs in the United States. By Bartholomew Batterson. Price - 10 cents. For sale by all newsdealers in the United States and - Canada, or sent to your address, postage free, on receipt of the - price. Address Frank Tousey, publisher, New York. - - - - -THE LARGEST AND BEST LIBRARY. - -PLUCK AND LUCK. - -Colored Covers. 32 Pages. All Kinds of Good Stories. Price 5 Cents. -Issued Weekly. Read List Below. - - - No. - - 1 Dick Decker, the Brave Young Fireman by Ex Fire Chief Warden - - 2 The Two Boy Brokers; or, From Messenger Boys to Millionaires - by a Retired Banker - - 3 Little Lou, the Pride of the Continental Army. A Story of the - American Revolution by General Jas. A. Gordon - - 4 Railroad Ralph, the Boy Engineer by Jas. C. Merritt - - 5 The Boy Pilot of Lake Michigan by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson - - 6 Joe Wiley, the Young Temperance Lecturer by Jno. B. Dowd - - 7 The Little Swamp Fox. A Tale of General Marion and His Men - by General Jas. A. Gordon - - 8 Young Grizzly Adams, the Wild Beast Tamer. A True Story of - Circus Life by Hal Standish - - 9 North Pole Nat; or, The Secret of the Frozen Deep - by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson - - 10 Little Deadshot, the Pride of the Trappers by An Old Scout - - 11 Liberty Hose; or, The Pride of Plattsvill by Ex Fire Chief Warden - - 12 Engineer Steve, the Prince of the Rail by Jas. C. Merritt - - 13 Whistling Walt, the Champion Spy. A Story of the American Revolution - by General Jas. A. Gordon - - 14 Lost in the Air; or, Over Land and Sea by Allyn Draper - - 15 The Little Demon; or, Plotting Against the Czar by Howard Austin - - 16 Fred Farrell, the Barkeeper's Son by Jno. B. Dowd - - 17 Slippery Steve, the Cunning Spy of the Revolution - by General Jas. A. Gordon - - 18 Fred Flame, the Hero of Greystone No. 1 by Ex Fire Chief Warden - - 19 Harry Dare; or, A New York Boy in the Navy by Col. Ralph Fenton - - 20 Jack Quick, the Boy Engineer by Jas. C. Merritt - - 21 Doublequick, the King Harpooner; or, The Wonder of the Whalers - by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson - - 22 Rattling Rube, the Jolly Scout and Spy. A Story of the Revolution - by General Jas. A. Gordon - - 23 In the Czar's Service; or Dick Sherman in Russia by Howard Austin - - 24 Ben o' the Bowl; or The Road to Ruin by Jno. B. Dowd - - 25 Kit Carson, the King of Scouts by an Old Scout - - 26 The School Boy Explorers; or Among the Ruins of Yucatan - by Howard Austin - - 27 The Wide Awakes; or, Burke Halliday, the Pride of the Volunteers - by Ex Fire Chief Warden - - 28 The Frozen Deep; or Two Years in the Ice by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson - - 29 The Swamp Rats; or, The Boys Who Fought for Washington - by Gen. Jas. A. Gordon - - 30 Around the World on Cheek by Howard Austin - - 31 Bushwhacker Ben; or, The Union Boys of Tennessee - by Col. Ralph Fent - - -For sale by all newsdealers, or sent to any address on receipt of -price, 5 cents per copy--6 copies for 25 cents. Address - - FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher, - 24 UNION SQUARE, NEW YORK. - - - - -OUR TEN CENT HAND BOOKS. - -USEFUL, INSTRUCTIVE AND AMUSING. - -Containing valuable information on almost every subject, such as -=Writing=, =Speaking=, =Dancing=, =Cooking=; also =Rules of Etiquette=, -=The Art of Ventriloquism=, =Gymnastic Exercises=, and =The Science of -Self-Defense=, =etc.=, =etc.= - - - 1 Napoleon's Oraculum and Dream Book. - - 2 How to Do Tricks. - - 3 How to Flirt. - - 4 How to Dance. - - 5 How to Make Love. - - 6 How to Become an Athlete. - - 7 How to Keep Birds. - - 8 How to Become a Scientist. - - 9 How to Become a Ventriloquist. - - 10 How to Box. - - 11 How to Write Love Letters. - - 12 How to Write Letters to Ladies. - - 13 How to Do It; or, Book of Etiquette. - - 14 How to Make Candy. - - 15 How to Become Rich. - - 16 How to Keep a Window Garden. - - 17 How to Dress. - - 18 How to Become Beautiful. - - 19 Frank Tousey's U. S. Distance Tables, Pocket Companion and Guide. - - 20 How to Entertain an Evening Party. - - 21 How to Hunt and Fish. - - 22 How to Do Second Sight. - - 23 How to Explain Dreams. - - 24 How to Write Letters to Gentlemen. - - 25 How to Become a Gymnast. - - 26 How to Row, Sail and Build a Boat. - - 27 How to Recite and Book of Recitations. - - 28 How to Tell Fortunes. - - 29 How to Become an Inventor. - - 30 How to Cook. - - 31 How to Become a Speaker. - - 32 How to Ride a Bicycle. - - 33 How to Behave. - - 34 How to Fence. - - 35 How to Play Games. - - 36 How to Solve Conundrums. - - 37 How to Keep House. - - 38 How to Become Your Own Doctor. - - 39 How to Raise Dogs, Poultry, Pigeons and Rabbits. - - 40 How to Make and Set Traps. - - 41 The Boys of New York End Men's Joke Book. - - 42 The Boys of New York Stump Speaker. - - 43 How to Become a Magician. - - 44 How to Write in an Album. - - 45 The Boys of New York Minstrel Guide and Joke Book. - - 46 How to Make and Use Electricity. - - 47 How to Break, Ride and Drive a Horse. - - 48 How to Build and Sail Canoes. - - 49 How to Debate. - - 50 How to Stuff Birds and Animals. - - 51 How to Do Tricks with Cards. - - 52 How to Play Cards. - - 53 How to Write Letters. - - 54 How to Keep and Manage Pets. - - 55 How to Collect Stamps and Coins. - - 56 How to Become an Engineer. - - 57 How to Make Musical Instruments. - - 58 How to Become a Detective. - - 59 How to Make a Maple Lantern. - - 60 How to Become a Photographer. - - 61 How to Become a Bowler. - - 62 How to Become a West Point Military Cadet. - - 63 How to Become a Naval Cadet. - - 64 How to Make Electrical Machines. - - 65 Muldoon's Jokes. - - 66 How to Do Puzzles. - - 67 How to Do Electrical Tricks. - - 68 How to Do Chemical Tricks. - - 69 How to Do Sleight of Hand. - - 70 How to Make Magic Toys. - - 71 How to Do Mechanical Tricks. - - 72 How to Do Sixty Tricks with Cards. - - 73 How to Do Tricks with Numbers. - - 74 How to Write Letters Correctly. - - 75 How to Become a Conjuror. - - 76 How to Tell Fortunes by the Hand. - - 77 How to Do Forty Tricks with Cards. - - 78 How to Do the Black Art. - - 79 How to Become an Actor. - - 80 Gus Williams' Joke Book. - - -All the above books are for sale by newsdealers throughout the United -States and Canada, or they will be sent, post-paid, to your address, on -receipt of 10c. each. - -_Send Your Name and Address for Our Latest Illustrated Catalogue._ - - FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher, - 24 UNION SQUARE, NEW YORK. - - - - - Transcriber's Note: - - Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as - possible. - - The format used for fractions in the original, where 1 1-4 - represents 1¼, has been retained. - - Many of the riddles are repeated, and some of the punch lines to the - rhymes are missing. - - Italic text has been marked with _underscores_. - Bold text has been marked with =equals signs=. - - The following is a list of changes made to the original. - The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one. - - Page 3: - - By making making man's laughter man-slaughter! - By making man's laughter man-slaughter! - - Page 5: - - Because it isn't fit for use till its broken. - Because it isn't fit for use till it's broken. - - Page 6: - - Because they nose (knows) everything? - Because they nose (knows) everything. - - Page 8: - - A sweet thing in bric-a-bric--An Egyptian molasses-jug. - A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug. - - Page 11: - - What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party? - What Islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? - - Page 16: - - Why is a palm-tree like chronology, because it furnishes dates. - Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates. - - Page 19: - - A thing to a adore (door)--The knob. - A thing to adore (a door)--The knob. - - Short-sighted policy--wearing spectacles. - Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles. - - Page 22: - - Why is is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf? - Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf? - - Page 24: - - Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall? - Why are certain Members' speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall? - - Page 25: - - offer his heart in payment to his landladyz Because it is rent. - offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent. - - Page 26: - - Why is a boiled herring like a rotton potato? - Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato? - - Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course. - Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course? - - Because there a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides. - Because there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides. - - Page 30: - - and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruse? - and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? - - Page 38: - - One makes acorns, the other--make corns ache. - One makes acorns, the other--makes corns ache. - - Because of his parafins (pair o' fins). - Because of his paraffins (pair o' fins). - - We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tool is coffee-like? - We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like? - - Page 40: - - What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill. - What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill? - - Page 41: - - In two little minutes the door to you. - In two little minutes the door to you." - - take away my second lettler, there is no apparent alteration - take away my second letter, there is no apparent alteration - - Why is a new-born baby like storm? - Why is a new-born baby like a storm? - - Page 48: - - Do you re-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring - Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring - - Page 52: - - What's the difference between a speciman of plated goods and - What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and - - Page 53: - - Now, see who'll be first to reply: - Now, see who'll be first to reply:" - - Page 56: - - when he was quizzed about the gorilla?" Because his monkey was up! - when he was quizzed about the gorilla? Because his monkey was up! - - Page 58: - - the other turns his quartz into gold? - the other turns his quartz into gold! - - When it's (s) ticking there. - When it's (s)ticking there. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS *** - -***** This file should be named 44099-8.txt or 44099-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/0/9/44099/ - -Produced by Demian Katz, Paul Clark and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images -courtesy of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at - www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 -North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email -contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the -Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/44099-8.zip b/44099-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index e91da88..0000000 --- a/44099-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/44099-h.zip b/44099-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 8007b74..0000000 --- a/44099-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/44099-h/44099-h.htm b/44099-h/44099-h.htm index 43fbf0e..e1cd0e3 100644 --- a/44099-h/44099-h.htm +++ b/44099-h/44099-h.htm @@ -2,7 +2,7 @@ "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en_US" lang="en_US"> <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=iso-8859-1" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> <title> The Project Gutenberg eBook of How To Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous. @@ -116,47 +116,7 @@ hr.r5 {width: 5%; margin-top: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em;} </style> </head> <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: How to Solve Conundrums - Containing All the Leading Conundrums of the Day, Amusing - Riddles, Curious Catches, and Witty Sayings - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: November 3, 2013 [EBook #44099] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS *** - - - - -Produced by Demian Katz, Paul Clark and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images -courtesy of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44099 ***</div> <div class="center"> <img id="coverpage" src="images/cover.jpg" width="385" height="600" alt="" /> @@ -3621,7 +3581,7 @@ the will for the deed.</p> client tells him to “go to the d——l,” where does the clerk go? Straight back to the lawyer.</p> -<p>Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, +<p>Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, car il faut qu’il dise, Adieu honneur.</p> <p>Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because @@ -3659,7 +3619,7 @@ run? Ten-dons!</p> <span class="i0">I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve,<br /></span> <span class="i0">And went with her, when she, alas! did leave.<br /></span> <span class="i0">To Britain with Caractacus I came,<br /></span> -<span class="i0">And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame.<br /></span> <span class="i0">The lover gives me on his wedding-day,<br /></span> <span class="i0">The poet writes me in his natal lay;<br /></span> <span class="i0">The father always gives me to each son,<br /></span> @@ -4435,7 +4395,7 @@ or sent post-paid, upon receipt of price. Address Frank Tousey, Publisher,<span class="flr">New York.</span></p> <p><span class="title">HOW TO MAKE MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS</span>—Full -directions how to make a Banjo, Violin, Zither, Æolian +directions how to make a Banjo, Violin, Zither, Æolian Harp, Xylophone and other musical instruments, together with a brief description of nearly every musical instrument used in ancient or modern times. Profusely @@ -4877,7 +4837,7 @@ FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,<br /> possible.</p> <p>The format used for fractions in the original, where <span class="nobreak">1 1-4</span> -represents 1¼, has been retained.</p> +represents 1¼, has been retained.</p> <p>Many of the riddles are repeated, and some of the punch lines to the rhymes are missing.</p> @@ -5010,381 +4970,6 @@ When it's <span class="u">(s) ticking</span> there.<br /> When it's <span class="u">(s)ticking</span> there.</p> </div> - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of How to Solve Conundrums, by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS *** - -***** This file should be named 44099-h.htm or 44099-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/0/9/44099/ - -Produced by Demian Katz, Paul Clark and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (Images -courtesy of the Digital Library@Villanova University -(http://digital.library.villanova.edu/)) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at - www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 -North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email -contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the -Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - - -</pre> - +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44099 ***</div> </body> </html> diff --git a/44099.zip b/44099.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 3cdd124..0000000 --- a/44099.zip +++ /dev/null |