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diff --git a/43996-0.txt b/43996-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e94e12 --- /dev/null +++ b/43996-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11716 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43996 *** + +THE + +AMERICAN JOE MILLER. + + + + +THE + +AMERICAN JOE MILLER: + +A Collection of Yankee Wit and Humour. + +COMPILED BY + +ROBERT KEMPT. + +"I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment."--_Ben Jonson._ + +"Oh, you shall see him laugh till his face be like a wet cloak ill +laid up!" + + _Shakespeare._ + +[Illustration] + +LONDON: + +ADAMS AND FRANCIS, 59, FLEET STREET. + +[ENTERED AT STATIONERS' HALL.] + +1865. + + + + +LONDON: +CLAYTON AND CO., PRINTERS, +17, BOUVERIE STREET. + + + + +PREFACE. + + +So far as the Compiler is aware, no good collection of American +wit and humour exists on this side of the Atlantic; certainly, no +collection worthy to be considered as the American Joe Miller. In the +well-known "Percy Anecdotes," in the numerous English Joe Millers, +and other jest-books, a few of Brother Jonathan's good things are to +be found, in company with the rich and genial wit of John Bull, the +pawky humour of the Scotch, and the exuberant mirth of Paddy; but it +is believed that the present is the first attempt to present anything +like a complete collection of American witticisms to English readers. +While every justice has been done in this matter to Scotland by Dean +Ramsay's inimitable "Reminiscences of Scottish Life and Character;" +and while a kindred service has been performed for England by Mr. +John Timbs, and still more recently by Mr. Mark Lemon, not to mention +others, no one, seemingly, has bethought him of gathering together the +happy scintillations of Brother Jonathan's intellect. The Compiler +trusts that he may have undertaken this task with at least some +success. + +No one at all familiar with the periodical literature of America will +deny that the Americans are a witty people. Whether their native wit +be so intellectual and refined as the English, so quaint and subtle +as the Scotch humour, or so strong and hearty as the Irish, or, +again, whether it be so keen and compact as the French _esprit_, may +be reasonably questioned; but that it is a straw that _can_ tickle, +and therefore, according to Dryden, an instrument of happiness, +all must admit. In considering the nature of American humour, it +is obvious that broad exaggeration is its great characteristic. It +is essentially _outré_. No people seek to raise the laugh by such +extravagant means as the Yankees. Their ordinary speech is hyperbole, +or tall talk. They never go out shooting unless with the long bow. +Again, their humour comes from without, rather than from within, +and is less a matter of thought than of verbal expression. It deals +with the association of ideas rather than with ideas themselves. +Transatlantic wit is not as a rule terse, epigrammatic, pungent, +like the wit of Lamb, Hood, or Jerrold, which often lies in a single +sentence or even word. The humour of Sam Slick or James Russell +Lowell, for instance, lies as much in accessories as in the thing +itself. It is nothing unless surrounded by circumstantial narrative. +But in this it must be confessed the Americans are great masters. +The humour of a people always reflects the character of that people, +and character, as we all know, is influenced in no small measure +by country and climate. Our American brethren are born, or as they +themselves say "raised," in a country whose physical features +have been planned on a scale far surpassing in magnitude--not +unfrequently in beauty also--those of every other country in the +world. The Americans feel this, and are justly proud of the extent +and magnificence of America. It leads them to compare it with other +countries, and the comparison is certain to result in favour of their +own. Theirs is the country of Lake Superior. Columbia is a Triton +among the minnows. Into this Brobdignag of our cousins Munchausen +emigrated early, and the genius of the celebrated German Baron still +continues to control its people. Only in America will you find a +man so tall that he is obliged to go up a ladder in order to shave +himself, or so small that it requires two men and a boy to see him; +only in America do the railway trains travel so fast that the train +often reaches the station considerably in advance of the whistle; +only in America are the fogs so thick that they may be cut with a +"ham knife." It is only an American artist who can paint a snow-storm +so naturally that he catches cold by sitting near it with his coat +off; it is only in America that sportsmen are such dead shots that +the birds when they see the gun "come down," rather than abide the +consequences of remaining "up;" and it is only in America that every +man is "one of the most remarkable men in the country." It must be +said of American humour, that you can always, and at once, "see the +joke." Its meaning is never hidden, and it seldom, if ever, takes the +form of the _double entendre_. To borrow an idea from Elia, there is +no need to grope all over your neighbour's face to be sure that he +appreciates a genuine Yankee joke. The grins it causes are the very +broadest, and the laughter it evokes is the very loudest. + +While the Compiler hopes that all his readers may find something to +laugh at in the wise saws of Sam Slick, the broad grins of Artemus +Ward and Joshua Billings, the marvellous (impossible?) feats of the +renowned Major Longbow, and the cute remarks of those notorious +personages, the Down Easter and the Western Editor, which he has +here collected, he also trusts that none of them may find anything +to regret. Care has been exercised to exclude everything of an +objectionable character from the collection. + +Since his elevation to the presidential chair, Mr. Lincoln has +acquired the reputation of being a good story-teller, and a number +of the best things attributed to "honest old Abe" have been included +in the collection, which will also be found to contain many of the +humorous stories and incidents to which the present unhappy war has +given rise. "Honest good humour," says Washington Irving, one of +America's greatest sons, "is the oil and wine of a merry meeting." It +is the earnest wish of the Compiler that the following pages may serve +to convince every reader of the truth of the remark. + + R. K. + +_January 2, 1865._ + + + + +THE + +AMERICAN JOE MILLER. + + +EARLY RISING IN CONNECTICUT.--1. + +The editor of the _Eglantine_ says that the girls in Connecticut, who +are remarkable for their industry, drink about a pint of yeast before +going to bed at night, to make them _rise_ early in the morning. + + +SMALL LOAVES.--2. + +A half-famished fellow in the Southern States tells of a baker (whose +loaves had been growing "small by degrees, and beautifully less,") +who, when going his rounds to serve his customers, stopped at the door +of one and knocked, when the lady within exclaimed, "Who's there?" and +was answered, "The baker." "What do you want?" "To leave your bread." +"Well, you needn't make such a fuss about it; put it through the +keyhole." + + +ONLY THE ELEVENTH.--3. + +At a christening, while a minister was making the certificate, he +forgot the date, and happened to say: "Let me see, this is the 30th." +"The thirtieth!" exclaimed the indignant mother; "indeed, but it's +only the eleventh!" + + +SHARP SHOOTING.--4. + +The following dialogue on "sharp shooting" is reported to have taken +place between a Virginee and a Yankee picket:--"I say, can you +fellows shoot?" "Wall, I reckon we can some. Down in Mississippi we +can knock a bumble-bee off a thistle bow at three hundred yards." +"Oh, that ain't nothing to the way we seewt up in Varmount. I belonged +to a military company ther', with a hundred men in the company, and +we went out for practice every week. The capt'n draws us up in single +file, and sets a cider-barrel rolling down the hill, and each man +takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up. It is afterwards +examined, and if there is a shot that didn't go in the bung-hole the +number who missed it is expelled. I belonged to the company ten years, +and there ain't been nobody expelled yet." + + +FOUR POINTS OF A CASE.--5. + +An Eastern editor says that a man in New York got himself into trouble +by marrying two wives. A Western editor replies by assuring his +contemporary that a good many men in that section had done the same +thing by marrying one. A Northern editor retorts that quite a number +of his acquaintances found trouble enough by barely promising to +marry, without going any further. A Southern editor says that a friend +of his was bothered enough when simply found in company with another +man's wife. + + +ADVANTAGE OF BURNING TWO CANDLES.--6. + +A celebrated American judge had a very stingy wife. On one occasion +she received his friends in the drawing-room with a single candle. "Be +pleased, my dear," said his lordship, "to let us have a second candle +that we may see where the other stands." + + +A 4-TUNATE YOUNG MAN.--7. + +There is a young man in the U. S. army, who was born July 4, at 4 +o'clock, p.m., at No. 44, in a street in Boston, is the 4th child, +has 4 names, enlisted in the Newton company, which joined the 4th +battalion, 44th regiment, and on the 4th of August was appointed 4th +corporal, and is now gone to defend his country. + + +ELBOW-ROOM SCARCE.--8. + +Elbow-room has been quite scarce in Nashville during the past week. +Such scrouging, gouging, turning in and turning out, has seldom +before been witnessed. Instance the following:--Traveller dismounts +at a tavern. "Hallo, landlord, can I get lodgings here to-night?" +Landlord: "No, sir; every room in the house is engaged." Traveller: +"Can't you give me a blanket and a bunch of shavings for a pillow in +your bar-room?" Landlord: "No, sir; there's not a square foot of space +unoccupied anywhere in the house." Traveller: "Then I'll thank you, +sir, to shove a pole out of your second-floor window, and I'll roost +on that." + + +A COUPLE OF REASONS TOO MANY.--9. + +The _Providence Journal_ is accountable for the following: A drafted +man in this State called upon one of our lawyers, and desired to have +papers prepared claiming exemption from the military service for the +several reasons which he named. 1. That he was the only son of a widow +depending upon him for support. 2. That his father was in such infirm +health as to be unable to get his own living; and 3, that he had two +brothers already in the service. All of which facts Patrick desired +then and there to verify by affidavit. The lawyer, who had travelled +in Illinois and learned the knack of introducing _apropos_ anecdotes, +reminded the drafted man of a little story of the maple-sugar man in +Vermont who was sued for returning a borrowed sap-kettle in a damaged +condition, and pleaded in defence--first, that the kettle was sound +when he returned it; secondly, that it was cracked when he borrowed +it; and thirdly, that he never had the sap-kettle. Patrick grinned a +ghastly smile, such as sometimes illumines the countenance of a man +before the Board of Enrolment when the doctor blandly assures him that +he has not got the liver complaint or the kidney disease, and withdrew +his papers. + + +EGG "BROF."--10. + +"Well, Sambo, how do you like your new place?" "Oh, very well, massa." +"What did you have for breakfast this morning?" "Why, you see, missus +biled three eggs for herself, and gib me de brof." + + +TO MAKE SAUSAGES.--11. + +The editor of the _Southbridge Journal_ was set all aback the other +day, when he asked a farmer's wife how she made sausages, and received +for answer--"Take your in'ards, scrape 'em, scald, and stuff 'em." + + +"PREACH SMALL."--12. + +"Mother," said a little girl, seven years old, "I could not understand +our minister to-day, he said so many hard words; I wish he would +preach so that little girls could understand him. Won't he, mother?" +"Yes, I think so, if we ask him." Soon after her father saw her going +to the minister's. "Where are you going, Emma?" said he. "I am going +over to Mr. ----'s, to ask him to _preach small_." + + +HARD LYING.--13. + +There lives in New Hampshire a man called Joe, a fellow noted for the +tough lies he can tell. A correspondent informs us that Joe called in +at Holton's lately, and found him almost choked with smoke, when he +suggested, "You don't know as much about managing smoky chimneys as +I do, squire, or you'd cure 'em." "Ah!" said Holton, with interest, +"did you ever see a smoky chimney cured?" "Seen it?" said old Joe, "I +think I have. I had the worst one in Seaboard county once, and I cured +it a little too much." "How was that?" asked Holton. "Why, you see," +said Joe, "I built a little house out yonder, at Wolf Hollow, ten or +twelve years ago. Jim Bush, the fellow that built the chimneys, kept +blind drunk three-quarters of the time, and crazy drunk the other. +I told him I thought he'd have something wrong; but he stuck to it +and finished the house. Well, we moved in, and built a fire the next +morning to boil the tea-kettle. All the smoke came through the room +and went out of the windows; not a bit went up the flues. We tried it +for two or three days, and it got worse and worse. By and by it came +on to rain, and the rain began to come down the chimney. It put the +fire out in a minute, and directly it came down by the pailful. We +had to get the baby off the floor as soon as we could, or it would +have been drowned. In fifteen minutes the water stood knee-deep +on the floor. I pretty soon saw what was the matter. The drunken +cuss had put the chimney wrong end up, and it drawed downwards. It +gathered all the rain within a hundred yards, and poured it down by +bucketfuls." "Well, that was unfortunate," remarked Holton, "but what +in the world did you do with the house? Surely you never cured that +chimney?" "Didn't I, though?" answered old Joe; "yes, I did." "How?" +asked Holton. "Turned it the other end up," said the incorrigible, +"and then you ought to have seen it draw. That was the way I cured it +too much." "Drew too much?" asked Holton. "Well, squire, you may judge +for yourself," said old Joe. "Pretty soon after we got the chimney +down the other end up, I missed one of the chairs out of the room, +and directly I see'd another of 'em shooting towards the fireplace. +Next the table went, and I see the back log going up. Then I grabbed +the old woman under one arm and the baby under t'other and started; +but just as I got to the door I see'd the cat going across the floor +backwards, holding on with her claws to the carpet, yelling awfully. +It wasn't no use. I just see her going over the top of the chimney, +and that was the last of her." "Well, what did you do then?" asked +Holton; "of course you could not live in such a house?" "Couldn't I, +though?" said Joe; "but I did; I put a poultice on the jamb of the +fireplace, and that drawed t'other way, so we had no more trouble." +This is what we call hard lying. + + +BUSINESS AND AFFLICTION.--14. + +Curious combinations are oftentimes found in the advertising columns +of newspapers. The following is the announcement made by a lately +bereaved wife:--"Died, on the 11th inst., at his shop, No. 20, +Greenwich Street, Mr. Edward Jones, much respected by all who knew +and dealt with him. As a man he was amiable; as a hatter, upright and +moderate. His virtues were beyond all price, and his beaver hats were +only three dollars each. He has left a widow to deplore his loss, +and a large stock to be sold cheap for the benefit of his family. He +was snatched to the other world in the prime of life, just as he had +concluded an extensive purchase of felt, which he got so cheap that +his widow can supply hats at more reasonable rates than any house +in the city. His disconsolate family will carry on business with +punctuality." + + +THE JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON.--15. + +In the Justice's Court in New Orleans the judge was in a quandary +the other day. A coat was in dispute; the parties were Irish, and +the evidence was direct and positive for both claimants. After much +wrangling, Patrick Power, one of the parties, proposed that he and +his opponent, Timothy Maguire, should see whose name was on the +coat. Timothy searched in vain, and the coat was handed to Pat, who +immediately took his knife, opened a corner of the coat, and out +dropped two small peas. "There, d'ye see that, now!" "Yes; but what of +that?" said Timothy. "A dale it has to do wid it; it is my name to be +sure--pea for Patrick, and pea for Power, be jabers!" He got the coat, +he did. + + +YOUNG JEFF.'S APPETITE.--16. + +When young Jeff. first came up to town, his father told him that it +would be polite, when being helped at dinner, to say to the host, +"Half that, if you please." It so happened that at the first dinner to +which he was invited a sucking-pig was one of the dishes. The host, +pointing with his knife to the young porker, asked, "Well, Mr. Jeff., +will you have this, our favourite dish, or haunch of mutton?" Upon +which, recollecting his first lesson, he replied, "Half that, if you +please," to the consternation of all present. + + +MY PEW, SIR!--17. + +While the Convention which nominated General Taylor was in session +at Philadelphia, a somewhat noted local politician from Pickaway +county, Ohio, was in the city mingling in the muss. As the Convention +adjourned over Sunday, he concluded to go to church. "I mounted my +best regalia," he says, "and looked fine; stopped at the door, and +asked the sexton for a seat; was shown a very good one, entirely +unoccupied, in the back part of which I seated myself. In a very short +time a decent-looking man, plainly dressed, entered and took the front +of the pew. I held my head reverently, and looked pious. He glanced +at me several times, then took out a white handkerchief; looked at me +again, then took out a card, drew his pencil, wrote 'This is my pew, +sir,' and tossed the card to me. I picked it up, and immediately wrote +on it, 'It is a very good one; what rent do you pay?' and tossed it +back." + + +MAKING A MAN'S COFFIN BEFORE HIS DEATH.--18. + +An amusing thing occurred in the 24th Ohio. A few days since, a +soldier, passing to the lower part of the encampment, saw two others +from his company making a rude coffin. He inquired who it was for. +"John Bunce," said the others. "Why," replied he, "John is not dead +yet. It is too bad to make a man's coffin when you don't know if +he's going to die or not." "Don't you trouble yourself," replied the +others; "Dr. Coe told us to make his coffin, _and I guess he knows +what he give him_." + + +DRAWING THE LONG BOW.--19. + +A fellow was kicked out of an editorial room the other day for +impudently stating "that he had seen in Germany a fiddle so large that +it required two horses to draw the bow across the strings, which would +continue to sound six weeks!" + + +A QUEER CUP OF COFFEE.--20. + +I soon had an opportunity to judge for myself, having accepted an +officer's invitation to take coffee in his tent. Captain H. was +very proud of his table. His cook was said to be the best in the +camp, his only fault being a disposition to a careless mixture of +ingredients. "There, sir," said the captain, handing me a brimming +cup, "I'll warrant you'll find that equal to anything you ever drank +in Paris." I tasted. The captain saw something was wrong. He tasted. +His countenance assumed a stern and mortified expression. John was +called and ordered to investigate the cause of the villanous taste +of the coffee. The next moment he reappeared, holding the coffee-pot +in his hand. "Och, be jabers, captain," said he, "it's meself that's +mortified to death. I cooked the bowl of me ould pipe in your +coffee this morning, and that's the innocent cause of the bad taste +intirely!" + + +THE TREASURE TROVE. BY B. O. B.--21. + + As Jonathan Dodge reel'd home one night, + Tight as a brick in a prison wall, + Beneath a gas-lamp's brilliant light + His eye on a something bright did fall. + + He steadied himself to know the cause, + And eyed it long with inquiring gaze, + Wondering much what the deuce it was + That glitter'd and sparkled with such a blaze. + + Then stooping down, with a forward dip + Which came near sending him heels o'erhead, + At the glittering wonder he made a grip-- + But clutch'd a handful of mud instead. + + Again he tries; but another lurch, + To strive against which was all in vain, + Sent him sprawling out in the mud and slush, + And the prize eluded his grasp again. + + "The third time's lucky; I'll make it sure," + Said Jonathan, rising, and turning round. + "'Tis a diamond as large as the Koh-i-noor, + And far (_hic_) more costly, I'll be bound." + + Again he tries; hurrah! success + Has crown'd his untiring efforts at last! + Thus Victory always will Industry bless, + And the prize is more precious for dangers pass'd. + + But the flowers of Hope which we fondest nurse + First wither, and bleaker leave the soul; + He dashes it down with a bitter curse-- + 'Twas only a piece of a broken bowl! + + +REMARKABLE TENACITY OF LIFE.--22. + +A few evenings since, in the "private crib" of one of our exchanges, +there was a learned dissertation, subject, "Bed-bugs, and their +Remarkable Tenacity of Life." One asserted of his own knowledge that +they could be boiled, and then come to life. Some had soaked them for +hours in turpentine without any fatal consequences. Old Hanks, who +had been listening as an outsider, here gave in his experience in +corroboration of the facts. Says he, "Some years ago I took a bed-bug +to an iron-foundry, and dropping it into a ladle where the melted iron +was, had it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet +pretty constant for the last six years, and here the other day it +broke all to smash; and what do you think, gentlemen, that 'ere insect +just walked out of his hole, where he'd been layin' like a frog in a +rock, and made tracks for his old roost upstairs! But," added he, by +way of parenthesis, "he looked mighty pale." + + +SAM'S SOUL.--23. + +"Sam," said an interesting young mother to her youngest hopeful, "do +you know what the difference is between the body and soul? The soul, +my child, is what you love with; the body carries you about. This is +your body," touching the little fellow's shoulders and arms, "but +there is something deeper in--you can feel it now; what is that?" "Oh, +I know," said Sam, with a flash of intelligence in his eyes, "that's +my flannel shirt!" + + +AMERICAN ESTIMATE OF THEIR CLERGY.--24. + +The _Louisville Journal_ assures an inquiring spinster that gospel +ministers are not more addicted to dissipation than men of other +professions. A few of the Kalloch type take gin-toddies and liberties +with females, but the majority of them are as good as lawyers. If you +want a true Christian, marry an editor. + + +"WHERE WARREN FELL."--25. + +A Yankee gentleman, escorting a British friend around to view the +different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston, brought him +to Bunker's Hill. They stood looking at the splendid shaft, when the +Yankee said, "This is the place where Warren fell." "Ah!" replied the +Englishman evidently not posted up in local historical matters, "did +it hurt him much?" The native looked at him, with the expression of +fourteen Fourths of Julys in his countenance--"Hurt him!" said he, "he +was killed, sir." "Ah! he was, eh?" said the stranger, still eyeing +the monument, and computing its height in his own mind, layer by +layer; "well, I should think he would have been, to fall so far." + + +OUT-YANKEED.--26. + +After the battle of Fredericksburg a little Yankee officer was talking +with one of our Alabama majors, who stood in that part of the field +where we had suffered most severely--dead men and horses, broken +cannon, and blown-up caissons being all around him. "You hurt us +powerful bad yesterday," said the Yankee. "Yes," replied the major, +drily. "Guess we hurt you some, too," rejoined the Yankee, looking at +the wrecks of humanity strewn about. "Didn't kill a man or a horse," +said the major. The little Yankee looked up at the tall Confederate +for a moment, then at the dead men and horses on every side, and then +wheeled suddenly round and walked rapidly away, utterly astounded at +the cool manner in which the Alabamian had out-Yankeed the Yankees in +deliberate lying. + + +THE PRESIDENT'S VOICE.--27. + +We got one darkie on the way out. He had never seen a cannon, and of +course did not know what it was. He stood beside one when they fired +it off, and I assure you Parry the clown never dropped as quick as he +did. His eyes rolled wildly, and he alarmingly called out: "Oh Lord! +hab mercy on dis poor chile. He am for de Union ebery time, sah." The +artillerymen might have been tied with straws. When they had got over +their laugh, they told him it was one of old Abe's guns. The nigger +said, "He hab a bery loud voice." + + +HOW A "COPPERHEAD" WAS SHAVED.--28. + +One day, lately, a well-known gentleman in Philadelphia stepped +into a barber's shop, sat in a shaving-chair, drew a newspaper from +his pocket, and instructed the knight of the razor to take off his +beard. The barber was an African. He simply replied, "Yes, boss," and +produced his implements. The customer sat down. He was duly shaved. +His face was wiped; he arose, and donned his coat and hat. "How much?" +he asked, in a dolorous voice, as he adjusted his shirt-collar. +"Fifteen cents, boss." "Why, I thought you shaved for ten cents at +this shop." "Dat ar's de average, sah," was the reply. "Ten cents is +de price of a shave in dis yer shop. You come in here, sah, and read +the news of Sheridan's victory, and your face got about six inches +longer dan when yer come in. If your face was like it was afore you +read dat yar news ten cents was the price. When you commenced to read +about de defeat of Early, den your face stretched down about four +inches. Dat's what makes it wurf fifteen cents for der shave." The +customer couldn't restrain a grin, though he was a Copperhead, and the +hit at him was made by a "nigger." He paid the fee, and walked out. He +was one of those gentlemen who go their length upon M'Clellan, and who +of course shudder at every victory to the Union arms. + + +WHAT HE DID THE FIRST YEAR.--29. + +In one of the courts at Hartford, Connecticut, recently, a woman +was testifying on behalf of her son, and swore that he had worked +on a farm ever since he was born. The lawyer who cross-examined her +said, "You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since he +was born?" "I do." "What did he do the first year?" "He milked," +she replied. The whole court laughed heartily, and the witness was +questioned no further. + + +THE LEARNED MEMBERS OF THE AMERICAN LEGISLATURE.--30. + +A good story is told of the landlord of a hotel at Holly Springs, +Miss. It was a large fashionable hotel, and the landlord was a pompous +man, with a large corporosity and a ruffled shirt-bosom. Printed bills +of fare were provided, yet the landlord stood at the head of the table +at dinner and, in a loud voice, read off the list of articles in a +rhyming way--"Here's boiled ham, and raspberry jam; baked potatoes and +cooked tomatoes; turnips smashed and squashes _squashed_;" and so on. +Mr. M. asked him afterward why he read it aloud when printed copies +were on the table. "Force of habit," replied the landlord; "got so +used to it I can't help it. You see, I commenced business down here in +Jackson (the capital of Mississippi), and most of all the Legislature +boarded with me. There wasn't a man of 'em could read, so I had to +read the bill of fare to 'em." + + +A CANDID PARSON.--31. + +A Yankee divine, of an advanced age, married for his second wife a +damsel young and handsome. When the elders of the church went to +inquire if the lady was a suitable person to make a useful figure as +a parson's wife, he answered frankly that he didn't think she was. +"But," added the irrepressible doctor, "although I don't pretend she +is a saint, she is a very pretty little sinner, and I love her." The +twain became one flesh. + + +A STUMP ORATOR.--32. + +An Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it and +exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, what do you think?" Instantly a man rose +in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied, +"I think, sir--I do indeed, sir--I think if you and I were to stump +the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in +the country, sir; and I'd not say a word during the whole time, sir." + + +THE COLONEL ANSWERED.--33. + +A certain colonel, a staff officer of one of the northern generals, +noted for his talent for repartee and the favourable opinion which he +entertained of his own good looks, stopped at the house of a farmer, +and discovered there a fine milch cow, and, still better, a pretty +girl, attired in a neat calico dress cut low in the neck and short in +the sleeves. After several unsuccessful attempts to engage the young +lady in conversation, he proposed to her to have the cow milked for +his own special benefit. This she indignantly refused. The colonel +not wishing to compromise his reputation for gallantry, remarked that +if all the young ladies in Virginia were as beautiful as the one +he had the pleasure of addressing, he had no desire to conquer the +Confederacy. With a toss of her pretty head, and a slight elevation of +her nose, she answered thus: "Well, sir, if all the gentlemen in your +army are as ugly as you are we ladies have no desire to conquer them." +How are you, colonel? + + +PITHY LETTER.--34. + +General Rosecrans a few days ago received the following pertinent +letter from an indignant private:--"General,--I have been in the +service eighteen months, and have never received a cent. I desire +a furlough for fifteen days, in order to return home and remove my +family to the poor-house." The general granted the furlough. + + +THE GRAHAM SYSTEM.--35. + +A little prattler, who had been brought up on the Graham system, asked +what she should have to eat when she went to Heaven. "The bread of +life, my dear," was the reply. "Will there be any butter on it, ma?" +was the quick retort. + + +WARD BEECHER'S PREACHING.--36. + +Henry Ward Beecher asked Park Benjamin, the poet and humorist, why +he never came over to Brooklyn to hear him preach. Benjamin replied, +"Why, Beecher, the fact is, I have conscientious scruples against +going to places of public amusement on Sunday." + + +KISSING IN WISCONSIN.--37. + +A Milwaukee paper says that when a Wisconsin girl is kissed, she +looks surprised, and says, "How could you do it?" To which the swain +replies, "It will give me much pleasure to show you," and proceeds to +give her a duplicate. + + +TOO SLOW FOR PARADISE.--38. + +Pickering is a very nervous little man, who fusses and fidgets about +in a remarkably quick manner, and who holds in detestation anything +that can possibly come under the head of a slow coach, and indulges in +rather queer expressions when anything moves too slow for his views. +He is blessed with a "maid-of-all-work," who has caused him to utter +more profane words during the past three months than three years in +purgatory can atone for. One evening last week he despatched the girl +upon an errand to the neighbouring store, and according to his ideas +she remained an unaccountably long time. He pulled out his watch and +looked half-a-dozen times within ten minutes, whistled, drummed upon +the table with his fingers, beat time with his feet upon the floor, +and finally started up again and began pacing the room, as if his +nervous agitation could in any degree accelerate the movements of the +absent abigail. But the girl came at length, and her impatient master +broke forth with--"For goodness' sake, Maggie, where have you been?" +"In the store, sir," was Maggie's reply. "Well," said her master, "it +is about one hundred yards to the store, and you have been fifteen +minutes in going and returning." "Yes, sir," broke in the girl. "Now, +Maggie," continued he, "take my advice, and when you die, remain +quietly in your grave, and never make an attempt to get to Heaven." +"And why not, sir?" queried the bewildered girl. "Because," said +Pickering, "the sun is ninety-six millions of miles from the earth, +and Heaven is beyond that; and if you ever make an attempt to get +there, at the rate you move, eternity will come to an end before you +reach your destination." + + +THAT'S A GOOD 'UN!--39. + +Some one was telling Sam about the longevity of the mud turtle. "Yes," +said Sam, "I know all about that, for once I found a venerable old +fellow in a meadow, who was so old that he could scarcely wiggle his +tail, and on his back was carved (tolerably plain, considering all +things) these words: 'Paradise, Year 1, Adam.'" + + +INTERESTING TO THE PARTIES CONCERNED.--40. + +In connexion with the late riot in that city the _Boston Journal_ +publishes the following:--The individual who dropped half of his thumb +at the corner of Cooper and North Mangin Streets on Tuesday night, +may have some interest in knowing that it has been picked up and +carefully preserved by a worthy citizen of Ward 5; and the individual +in his shirt sleeves who limped off with a bullet in his hip from a +spot near the same neighbourhood, on the same night, may receive the +brick he gave in exchange for it by returning the bullet to the 3rd +police-station. + + +A KNOWING JURYMAN.--41. + +A New Jersey paper tells a story of a well-known character who +frequently figured on juries in New York. While on a jury, as soon +as they had retired to their room to deliberate, he would button up +his coat and "turn in" on a bench, exclaiming: "Gentlemen, I'm for +bringing in a verdict for plaintiff (or defendant, as he had settled +his mind), and all creation can't move me. Therefore, as soon as you +have all agreed with me, wake me up, and we'll go in." + + +PAY YOUR POSTAGE.--42. + +An American paper commends the following terrible lines to some of its +correspondents who have forgotten to prepay their letters, and saddled +the editor with sundry twopences to save their penny. The wild beauty +of the lines bespeaks the editor to have been in a mesmeric _coma_:-- + + "The man who now-a-days will write, + And not prepay his letter, + Is worser than the heathen are, + What don't know any better. + + "And if you take a fine tooth-comb, + And rake down all creation, + You couldn't find a meaner man + In this 'ere mighty nation." + + +SOUND ADVICE.--43. + +The private secretary of a cabinet minister is a wag. The other day +a young man, decidedly inebriated, walked into the executive chamber +and asked for the governor. "What do you want with him?" inquired the +secretary. "Oh, I want an office with a good salary--a sinecure." +"Well," replied the secretary, "I can tell you something better for +you than a sinecure--you had better try a water cure." A new idea +seemed to strike the young inebriate, and he vanished. + + +SIMPLICITY.--44. + +An exchange tells the following simple story of a little child +kneeling by his bed to pray, as he retired for the night. He said: +"Dear Heavenly Father, please don't let the large cow hook me, nor +the horse kick me; and don't let me run away outside of the gate when +mother tells me not to." + + +CORKING UP DAYLIGHT.--45. + +It is reported that a Yankee down East has invented a machine for +corking up daylight, which will eventually supersede gas. He covers +the interior of a flour barrel with shoemaker's wax, holds it open to +the sun, then suddenly heads up the barrel. The light sticks to the +wax, and at night can be cut into lots to suit purchasers. + + +A BABY STORY.--46. + +A very curious baby story comes to us from New Jersey. A mother and a +daughter were confined on the same day, each having a little son. In +the bustle of the moment, both babies were placed in the same cradle, +and, to the confusion of the mothers, when the youngsters were taken +from the cradle, they were unable to tell which was the mother's and +which was the daughter's son--a matter which, of course, must ever +remain a mystery. The family is in the greatest distress over the +affair. + + +MARRIAGE NOTICES.--47. + +A Western paper gives the following notice:--All notices of marriage, +where no bride-cake is sent, will be set up in small type, and poked +into some outlandish corner of the papers. Where a handsome piece of +cake is sent, it will be put conspicuously in large letters; when +gloves, or other bride favours are added, a piece of illustrative +poetry will be given in addition. When, however, the editor attends +the ceremony in _propriâ personâ_, and kisses the bride, it will have +especial notice--very large type, and the most appropriate poetry that +can be begged, borrowed, stolen, or coined from the brain editorial. + + +A HOMELY FLAG OF TRUCE.--48. + +A rebel at Gettysburg, wishing to surrender, and having nothing +else for a flag of truce, dived his hands into his pantaloons, and +elevated his shirt above his head, amid roars of laughter from the +Federals, who immediately accepted his unconditional surrender. Rather +a good thing for that rebel that he was the possessor of such a luxury +as a reasonably clean shirt. + + +HE HAD HIM THAT TIME.--49. + +A candidate for office, wishing to describe his opponent as a +"soulless man," said: "Some persons hold the opinion that just at +the precise moment after one human being dies, another is born, +and the soul enters and animates the new-born babe. Now, I have +made particular inquiries concerning my opponent, and I find that +for some hours before he drew breath nothing but a donkey died. +Fellow-citizens, I will now leave you to draw the inference." + + +"DE DISSOLUTION OF COPARSNIPS."--50. + +A coloured firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary +embarrassments, recently closed business, and the senior member gave +to the public the following "notis:"--"De dissolution of coparsnips +heretofo resisting twixt me and Mose Jones in the barber perfession, +am heretofo resolved. Pussons who ose must pay to de scriber. Dem what +de firm ose must call on Jones, as de firm is insolved." + + +UNACCEPTABLE GRATITUDE.--51. + +Lieutenant J----n, late of the 16th regiment, was, a few days ago, +walking down Main Street, Utica, when he was accosted by a fellow, +half soldier, half beggar, with a most reverential military salute. +"God bless your honour," said the man, whose accent betrayed him to +be Irish, "and long life to you." "How do you know me?" said the +lieutenant. "Is it how do I know your honour?" responded Pat. "Good +right, sure, I have to know the man who saved my life in battle." The +lieutenant, highly gratified at this tribute to his valour, slid a +fifty cent bill into his hand, and asked him when. "God bless your +honour, and long life to you," said the grateful veteran. "Sure it was +at Antietam, when, seeing your honour run away as fast as your legs +could carry you from the rebels I followed your lead, and ran after +you out of the way whereby, under God, I saved my life. Oh! good luck +to your honour; I never will forget it to you." + + +FEELING HER WAY.--52. + +General Schenck, discussing the Democratic platform, in a speech +at Hamilton, Ohio, brought down the House by the following +illustration:--"I know nothing at all that is like it, unless it may +be the character of the fruit that is sold by an old lady who sits at +the door of the court-house in Cincinnati. She is a shrewd old woman. +A young sprig of a lawyer stepped up one day and said to her, 'You +seem to have some fine apples; are they sweet or sour?' The old lady +tried to take the measure of her customer, and find out whether his +taste was for sweet or sour apples. 'Why, sir,' said she, 'they are +rather acid; a sort of low tart, inclined to be very sweet.'" + + +FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.--53. + +The following is as an extract from the recent address of a barrister +"out West" to a jury:--"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the +beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where no doubt exists of the +prisoner, it is your duty to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this +fact in view, in the case of my client, gentlemen, you will have the +honour of making a friend of him and all his relations, and you can +allers look upon this occasion and reflect with pleasure that you have +done as you would be done by. But if, on the other hand, you disregard +the principle of law, and set at naught my eloquent remarks and fetch +him in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all +over every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden +client will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights, _as my +cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_." + + +STORY WITH A MORAL.--54. + +A young Yankee had formed an attachment for the daughter of a rich +old farmer, and after agreeing with the "bonnie lassie" went to the +old farmer to ask his consent; and during the ceremony, which was an +awkward one with Jonathan, he whittled away at a stick. The old man +watched the movements of the knife, at the same time continuing to +talk on the prospects of his future son-in-law, as he supposed, until +the stick was dwindled down to naught. He then spoke as follows:--"You +have fine property, you have steady habits; good enough looking; but +you can't have my daughter. Had you made something, no matter what, +of the stick you whittled away, you could have had her; as it is you +cannot. Your property will go as the stick did, little by little, +until all is gone, and your family reduced to want. I have read your +character; you have my answer." + + +ODD EXCUSE FOR NOT BEING HUNG.--55. + +Two bushwhackers were captured, both of whom were very properly dealt +with summarily by being hanged. One of them had received a shot in +the shoulder, inflicting a painful wound, disabling him from making +his escape. While the officer was arranging the hempen necklace about +the wounded tory's neck, it produced considerable pain in the wounded +shoulder, which induced him to exclaim--"Oh! do please don't! I don't +believe I can bear to be hung--my shoulder is so sore!" + + +AN AGREEABLE CUSTOMER.--56. + +"Stranger, I want to leave my dog in this 'ere office till the boat +starts; I'm afraid somebody will steal him." "You can't do it," said +the clerk; "take him out." "Well, stranger, that is cruel; but you're +both dispositioned alike, and he's kinder company for you." "Take him +out!" roared the clerk. "Well, stranger, I don't think you're honest, +and you want watching. Here, Dragon," he said to the dog, "sit down +here, and watch that fellow sharp!" and turning on his heel said: "Put +him out, stranger, if he's troublesome." The dog lay there till the +boat started, watching and howling at every movement of the clerk, who +gave him the better half of the office. + + +FAILED FOR A GOOD REASON.--57. + +Many a glorious speculation has failed for the same good reason that +the old Taxan ranger gave when he was asked why he didn't buy land +when it was dog cheap. "Wall, I did come nigh onto taking eight +thousand acres once't," said old Joe, mournfully. "You see, two of +the boys came in one day from an Indian hunt without any shoes, and +offered me their titles to two leagues just below for a pair of +boots." "For a pair of boots!" we exclaimed. "But why on earth did you +not take it? They'd be worth a hundred thousand dollars to-day. Why +did'nt you give them the boots?" "Just because I did'nt have the boots +to give," said old Joe, as he took another chew of tobacco, quite as +contented as if he owned two hundred leagues of land. + + +WRITING TO THE OLD WOMAN.--58. + +"Massa," said the black steward to his captain, as they fell in with +a homeward-bound vessel, "I wish you would write a few lines for me +to the old woman, 'cause I can't write." The good-natured skipper +complied, and wrote all that Pompey dictated. As the captain was about +to seal up the letter, Pompey reminded him that he had omitted to say, +"Please 'scuse de bad writin' and spellin'." + + +"I'M THE BAGGAGE."--59. + +As the mid-day Worcester train was about leaving the _dépôt_, a man of +the Johnsonian type of manners entered one of the cars, and gruffly +requested that two young ladies occupying separate seats should sit +together, that he and his friend might enjoy a _tête-à-tête_ on the +other seat. "But," said one of the damsels, blushing, "this seat +is engaged." "Engaged, is it?" brusquely responded the man; "who +engaged it!" "A young man," said the conscious maiden. "A young man, +eh! where's his baggage?" persisted Ursa Major. "I'm his baggage, +Old Hateful," replied the demure damsel, putting her rosy lips into +the prettiest pout. "Old Hateful" subsided; the young man came +in, extended his arm protectingly, almost caressingly, around his +"baggage," and Mr. Conductor Capron started the train. + + +CROSS PURPOSES.--60. + +A colporteur recently entered a log-house of a dweller in Ohio, and +asked the mistress of the household if they had the gospel there. +She said: "No; but they have it dreadful bad about four miles below." +This may have been the same colporteur who entered another log-house, +and inquired if there were any Presbyterians in that vicinity. He was +answered: "I guess not; my old man has not killed any since we have +lived here." In one instance the colporteur was taken for a doctor; in +the other for a hunter. + + +THE CHICKENS IN TENNESSEE.--61. + +One day a wealthy old lady, whose plantation was in the vicinity of +the camp, came in and inquired for General Payne. When the commander +made his appearance, the old lady, in warm language, at once +acquainted him with the fact that his men had stolen her last coop +full of chickens, and demanded their restitution or their value in +currency. "I am sorry for you, madam," replied the general, "but I +can't help it. The fact is, madam, we are determined to squelch out +the rebellion, if it takes every chicken in Tennessee." + + +A SONNET INSTEAD OF A BONNET.--62. + +An officer in Banks's department recently received a letter from his +little daughter at home, asking him to send her money with which to +buy a new bonnet, to which he replied as follows:-- + + "I would send you a kiss, dear daughter, + As pure from a fond father's lips, + And as chaste as the drop of water + That fresh from an icicle drips; + But kisses thus sent in a letter + Would lose all their sweetness for thee, + And I know it would please thee far better + To receive a few greenbacks from me. + But as I am 'hard up,' and you not in need, + You will have to put up with the will for the deed; + I therefore send you this nice little sonnet, + Instead of the greenbacks to buy you a bonnet." + + +THE OLD HEN AND CHICKENS.--63. + +Aunt E. was trying to persuade little Eddy to retire at sundown. "You +see, my dear, how the little chickens go to roost at that time." "Yes, +aunty," replied Eddy, "but the old hen always goes with them." Aunty +tried no more arguments with him. + + +STRANGE PECULIARITIES.--64. + +A Western editor sums up the peculiarities of a contemporary as +follows:--He is too lazy to earn a meal, and too mean to enjoy one. He +was never generous but once, and that was when he gave the itch to an +apprentice boy--so much for his goodness of heart! Of his industry, he +says, the public may judge when he states that the only time he ever +worked was when he mistook castor oil for honey. + + +GRIM WELCOME.--65. + +On the evening before the last unsuccessful attempt to storm the +defences of Port Hudson, some of our skirmishers were endeavouring, +under cover of darkness, to draw closer to the rebel works. A rebel +sentinel discovered them, and hallooed out: "How are you, Yank?" One +of our men replied: "Yes, we're bound to come." "All right," returned +the rebel, "we have got room enough to bury you." + + +BACHELORISM A LUXURY.--66. + +"You bachelors ought to be taxed," said Mrs. Dackford to a resolute +evader of the matrimonial noose. "I agree with you perfectly, madam," +was the reply, "for bachelorism is a luxury." + + +A COOL CUSTOMER.--67. + +The _Winsted_ (Ct.) _Herald_ thinks the fellow who wrote the +following note, not considering it any disappointment to postpone +his wedding, is a philosopher. The note was addressed to a Winsted +clothing dealer:--"Dear Sir,--I do not care for the velvet collar, +so you may do as you please about putting it on. It was no serious +disappointment, only I should have been married if I had received the +goods." + + +SCRIPTURE NAMES.--68. + +Some young ladies who had been attending an evening party, desired +to return home, but had no male attendant. The master of the house +requested his son to accompany them, and made use of a scripture name. +What was it? Jeroboam--Jerry beau 'em. + +Jerry proving reluctant, the gentleman desired another son to act as +escort. What scripture name did he utter? Lemuel--Lem you will. + +Still there was a difficulty, and a like request was made in a similar +manner to another son. What was it? Samuel--Sam you will. + +Sam having consented, the parties took their seats in a sleigh, for +the purpose of going home. It was found there was plenty of room for +one more. What scripture name did the old gentleman use to induce +another son to accompany the guests? Benjamin--Ben jam in. + +The driver was requested to start in another scripture name. What was +it? Joshua--Josh away. + +When the sleigh was fairly off, it was discovered that one of the +young ladies had been left behind. There was no possibility of +recalling her companions, so the old gentleman asked still another of +his sons to console the young lady for her disappointment. What was +the last scripture name thus used? Ebenezer--Eben ease her. + + +AN INQUIRING MIND.--69. + +Some people have very inquiring minds; but few, we think, carry their +curiosity so far as a Yankee friend of ours, who rang the bell of a +fashionable residence the other day, and when the servant girl made +her appearance, politely inquired, "What are you going to have for +dinner to-day?" The girl, thinking the man was one of their tradesmen, +and had made the inquiry in his business capacity, innocently replied, +"Mutton, sir." "Mutton--with sauce?" "Yes, sir." "Ah, well! I was +passing by, and thought I would inquire. Good morning." The servant +was indignant when she came to comprehend the man's motive, but he was +too far up the street to hear her angry denunciations. + + +THE WAY OF THE WORLD.--70. + +Mr. Dickson, a coloured barber in a large New England town, was +shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen, one morning, +when a conversation occurred between them respecting Mr. Dickson's +former connexion with a coloured church in that place. "I believe +you are connected with the church in Elm Street, are you not, Mr. +Dickson?" said the customer. "No, sah, not at all." "Why did you leave +your connexion, Mr. Dickson, if I maybe permitted to ask?" "Well, I'll +tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson; "it was just like dis: I jined the +church in good fait; I gave ten dollars towards de stated gospel de +fus' year, and de church people call me _Brudder_ Dickson; the second +year my business was not so good, and I gib only five dollars. Dat +year people call me _Mr._ Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, sah?" "No, the +razor goes tolerably well." "Well, sah, the third I fell berry poor; +had sickness in my family, and didn't gib nothin' for preachin'. Well, +sah, arter dat dey call me 'dat ole nigger Dickson,' and I left 'em." + + +KNOCKING AT THE CHURCH DOOR.--71. + +An Indianapolis editor attending church on a recent Sabbath for the +first time in many years, stopped at the entrance, and after looking +in vain for the bell-pull, deliberately knocked at the door, and +politely waited until somebody opened it and let him in. + + +SCENE IN AN AMERICAN COURT.--72. + +There was a hush in the police court-room as the red-nosed judge took +his seat upon the bench, and in a pompous tone of authority shouted, +"Bring the prisoner into court!" "Here I am, bound to blaze, as the +spirit of turpentine said when he was all a-fire," said the prisoner. +"We'll take a little fire out of you. How do you live?" asked the +judge. "I ain't particular, as the oyster said when they asked him +if he'd be roasted or fried." "We don't want to know what the oyster +said, or the spirits of turpentine either. What do you follow?" +"Anything that comes in my way, as the locomotive said when she ran +over a little nigger." "Don't care anything about the locomotive. What +is your business?" "That's various, as the cat said when she stole +the chicken off the table." "If I hear any more absurd comparisons, +I will give you twelve months." "I'm done, as the beefsteak said to +the cook." "Now, sir, your punishment shall depend on the shortness +and correctness of your answers. I suppose you live by going round +the docks." "No, sir; I can't go around the docks without a coat, +and I ain't got none." "Answer me, sir! How do you get your bread?" +"Sometimes at the baker's, and sometimes I eat taters." "No more of +your stupid nonsense. How do you support yourself?" "Sometimes on my +legs, and sometimes on a chair." "How do you keep yourself alive?" "By +breathing, sir." "I order you to answer this question correctly. How +do you do?" "Pretty well, I thank you, judge. How do you do?" "I shall +have to commit you." "Well, you've committed yourself first, that's +some consolation." The prisoner went out of court with a jerk, and was +hastened to gaol. + + +SOAP COMING HANDY.--73. + +During one of the recent battles, while a regiment of our troops +was rapidly marching over a dusty road, in changing their position +on the field, a soldier noticed a cake of soap at a little distance +from the rank, and sprang forward to get it, saying, "I shall need +it after this fight." The shells of the enemy were falling thickly; +and just as the soldier seized the soap, one dropped close behind him +and exploded, tearing open an immense hole in the earth, and nearly +burying the poor fellow. Every one supposed he was blown to pieces, +but almost immediately he struggled out, begrimed with dirt from head +to foot, yet holding on to the soap, and exclaiming, "There, I told +you I should need it!" Fortunately, he passed through the battle +unhurt, and found his well-earned soap a great convenience. + + +A CONDENSED NOVEL.--74. + +Josh, here am a seafaring novel, dat missis gib me, case she know'd I +was too lazy to read de whole book; and, by golly, it am just de ting +for dese people dat lub to skip ober such stuff! Just read it: Gulf +of Mexico; small ship; young man; very interesting; very romantic; +black glossy curls; aquiline features; florid complexion; commanding +figure; black clouds; "Pipe all hands to quarters;" storm coming +on; very dangerous; "All hands to the pumps;" "There goes the gib!" +masts cut away; storm clearing; all hands pumping; monster ship in +the distance; very suspicious; black flag; skull and cross-bones; +pirate; sailors fearful; young man determined; bound to die or perish +in the attempt; armed to the teeth; addresses the sailors; great +enthusiasm; flag of the free; die for our country; pirate approaches; +hundred guns; pirate captain; big whiskers; crew all fiends; calls +for a surrender; young man scorns; broadside; female shrieks on board +the pirate ship; beauty in distress; young man vows vengeance; young +man's ship sinking; flag shot off; nails it to the mast; crew leave +in boats; board the pirate; terrific combat; seven pirates attack +boatswain; kills two with a chaw of tobacco; throws others overboard; +sharks around vessel; young man kills pirate captain; pirates give in; +shouts tremendous; victory; young man rushes into cabin; finds young +lady nearly dead; brings her to; falls in love; papers discovered; +young man son of a nobleman; young lady rich heiress; tells her story; +was stolen way by gipsies; sold to pirate captain; Heaven sent young +man; preserved; falls on her knees; young man embraces her; sailors +get drunk; marriage at sea; "life on the ocean wave;" ship in port; +young man promoted; land of liberty. "Yankee Doodle!" FINIS. + + +SECURING HIS TRUNK.--75. + +A traveller stopped at a hotel in Wheeling several days. His trunk +looked cheap, but was very heavy, when carried up-stairs. Traveller +disappeared; trunk was heavier than before; it could not be lifted. +Landlord broke it open; found it empty, and nailed to the floor, with +two spikes driven through the bottom. + + +A DRY JOKE IN A DRY GOODS' STORE.--76. + +An amusing incident recently took place in one of our dry goods' +stores down town. A good-looking, honest-faced country girl, came to +town with her lover, to do a trifle of shopping. The magnitude of the +store, the piles on piles of goods, the dazzling array of articles, +the rows of busy clerks, the flitting cash boys, quite overpowered +our good friend, who scarcely knew what to do. Her swain obstinately +refused to go in, but loitered about the door. The clerks being all +busy just at the moment, the young lady was obliged to remain standing +a few moments. At length, a dapper fellow, with gold watch and chain +and flourishing moustache, came bowing and smiling up to the blushing +customer, with--"Anybody waiting on you, madam?" The colour deepened +in her cheeks, as she hesitated and drew a long breath; till, finally, +with a nod of her head towards the door, she faltered out, "Yes, sir; +he is." + + +YANKEE NOTION OF MACBETH.--77. + +After having witnessed the performance, from what I could make out of +the play I don't think Macbeth was a good moral character; and his +lady appeared to me to possess a tarnation dictatorial temper, and to +have exceedingly loose notions of hospitality, which, together with an +unpleasant habit of talking to herself and walking about _en chemise_, +must make her a decidedly unpleasant companion. + + +THE PUGNACIOUS RAM.--78. + +John B. Gough, in one of his eloquent temperance lectures, was +encouraging those who signed the pledge to stick to it. "Stick to +it," said he, "as the old ram did to his butting." The story is that +a farmer had a ram which would run his head against the cows, horses, +pigs, and, indeed, against everything in motion. The farmer himself +was more than once butted over, and he finally determined to break up +this propensity: so he tied a heavy block of wood upon a rope, and +hung it on the limb of a tree. The block was set in motion, and the +ram, seeing it move towards him, hit it a blow. This sent it off; +but it swung back, and the ram hit it again, and so kept on doing. +The farmer watched him until it was dark, and then left him (true to +his nature) butting away. Early in the morning, on going out to see +how the ram had fared, he found that he had butted himself all away, +except a part of his tail, and that was hammering away at the swinging +block. That's the way to stick to your pledge. + + +A HORRIFIED DANDY.--79. + +A dandy, who was seated on the balcony of a Saratoga hotel, among +a large company, was exquisitely dressed, and very highly perfumed +with musk, which is very disagreeable to some persons. A plain farmer +happening to pass near him, commenced snuffing suspiciously, and, +looking around for the cause of the musky effluvia, he soon smelt out +the dandy, and thus addressed him:--"I say, mister, I can tell ye +what'll take that smell out of yer clothes: just bury 'em under ground +for a week. My uncle run agin a skunk once, and--" but before the +sentence was finished the enraged dandy sped from the crowd to escape +the shouts of laughter, while the innocent farmer, who only meant to +do him a kindness, was wondering what caused his sudden departure. + + +STRIKING EFFECT OF A STRIKE.--80. + +A Boston contemporary says he finds among his exchanges the following +paragraph:--"The p_r_interS aRe on A [upside down S]_tr_iKe +[side down f]or hi[upside down g]her [upside down wa]GeS, +[upside down W]e H[sideways a]ve [sideways C]on_c_Lude_d_ +tO sEt o[sideways u]r o[sideways w]n tYp[upside down e]s +[upside down i]n f_u_tUr[upside down e]! It [sideways si] +EAsy [upside down e]Nou[_upside down g_]h," +[TN: "The printers are on a strike for higher wages, we have +concluded to set our own types in future! It is easy enough,".] + + +HABITS OF A GREAT MAN.--81. + +Several paragraphs (says a New York paper) have been going the rounds +in relation to the habits of great men, which paragraphs, as usual, +are all wrong; inasmuch as we have had the pleasure of dining and +hobnobbing with all the great men of this and every other country +on the face of the globe. An illustration will prove this to the +satisfaction of everybody. Mr. Seward generally rises from his bed +in the morning about the time he gets up. He rarely, if ever, eats +his breakfast before he gets it. He is not particular what kind of +food he has, if he is provided with what he calls for. In his dress +he is plain; never appearing in public without his pantaloons. He +never wears his vest outside of his coat. He speaks his native dialect +without a foreign accent. As an evidence of the methodical precision +with which he attends to business, it is only necessary to allude to +the fact that he invariably draws his salary the moment it is due; his +memory in this respect is prodigious. He generally writes on paper, +and uses a pen, which at intervals he dips into a stand of ink, that +he keeps upon his table. + + +BILLY BRAY.--82. + +The enrolling officer of Salisbury district, Maryland, was very +active and thorough in the performance of his duty. One day he went +to the house of a countryman, and finding none of the male members of +the family at home, made inquiry of an old woman about the number and +age of the "males" of the family. After naming several, the old lady +stopped. "Is there no one else?" asked the officer. "No," replied the +woman; "none except Billy Bray." "Billy Bray! where is he?" "He was at +the barn a moment ago," said the old lady. Out went the officer, but +could not find the man. Coming back, the worthy officer questioned the +old lady as to the age of Billy, and went away, after enrolling his +name among those to be drafted. The time of the drafting came; among +those on whom the lot fell was Billy Bray. No one knew him. Where did +he live? The officer who enrolled him was called on to produce him; +and, lo and behold! Billy Bray was a _Jackass_! and stands now on the +list of drafted men as forming one of the quota of Maryland. + + +TRANSATLANTIC MATRIMONIAL ADVERTISEMENTS.--83. + +We clip the subjoined advertisements relating to matrimony from the +_New York Herald_. As they are unique in their way, our readers will, +no doubt, be amused by perusing them. It is to be hoped that the +ardent gentleman in quest of "some congenial soul" is by this time in +a fair way of resigning his bachelorhood:-- + + "'De Factum.'--The undersigned, a young gentleman versed + in the ways of the world, and of a cheerful temperament, + seeks for some congenial soul with whom he can exchange + vows of unchanging love. He is considered good-looking, + is twenty-five years of age, and possesses a comfortable + fortune. Wealth no object, as a true-hearted lady is all he + desires. Any young lady or widow may, if they are prompted + by sincere motives, address," &c. + + "Two young gentlemen, possessed of large fortunes, but + rather green, wish to open correspondence with young ladies + of the same circumstances, with a view to matrimony. + Brunettes preferred; but no objection to blondes, provided + they are perfect--past all parallel. Address," &c. + + "I am desirous to form the acquaintance of an Italian or + Spanish gentleman with an ultimate view to marriage. As + I cannot see myself as others see me, of myself I say + nothing. Address," &c. + + "Should this meet the eye of any sensible man not over + thirty-five, who would like a wife that understands + housekeeping in all its branches, educated and refined, + whose forte is not all in a piano, he can address, &c. + Cartes de visite desired." + + +A CITIZEN OF ALL THE STATES.--84. + +A son of the Emerald Isle, but not himself green, was taken up (for +he was at the time down) near a rebel encampment not far from the +Manassas Junction. In a word, Pat was taking a quiet nap in the +shade, and was roused from his slumbers by a scouting party. He wore +no special uniform of either army, but looked more like a spy than +an alligator, and on this he was arrested. "Who are you?" "What is +your name?" and "Where are you from?" were the first questions put to +him by the armed party. Pat rubbed his eyes, scratched his head, and +answered: "By my faith, gintlemen, them is ugly questions to answer +any how; and before I answer any of them, I'd be after axin you, by +yer lave, the same thing." "Well," said the leader, "We are of Scott's +army, and belong to Washington." "All right," said Pat; "I know'd +ye was gintlemen, for I am the same. Long life to Gineral Scott!" +"Aha!" replied the scout, "now, you rascal, you are our prisoner," and +seized him by the shoulder. "How is that?" inquired Pat; "are we not +friends?" "No," was the answer; "we belong to General Beauregard's +army." "Then you told me a lie, me boys; and thinking it might be so, +I told you another. Now, tell me the truth, and I'll tell the truth +too." "Well, we belong to the State of South Carolina." "So do I," +promptly responded Pat, "and to all the other States of the country +too; and there I'm thinking I bate the whole of ye. Do you think I +would come all the way from Ireland to belong to one State, when I had +a right to belong to the whole of 'em?" + + +MIXING THE BABIES.--85. + +Patrick Lyon, an Irishman, and Hans Heidelbrooke, a German, and their +families, both occupy one house in Cincinnati. Some nights since the +families of both were increased, Pat's wife presenting him with +twins, and Hans' wife presenting him with one, all girls. The nurse +being desirous of contemplating the relative beauties of the little +cherubs, with the hopes of finding out if there is any difference +between a youthful Teuton and a cherub of Erin, got them so hopelessly +mixed that it was impossible to distinguish "tother from which." Here +was a terrible state of affairs. But the mother wit of the Irishwoman +solved the difficulty. She was entitled to two of the children any +how, and two she would take, and if either of them when grown up +should talk Dutch she would repudiate its paternity and lay claim to +the third. The Dutch woman coincided with the idea, and clasped to her +bosom the remaining child, resolved to watch for the first indication +of the brogue that might change her parental love to unmitigated +disgust. + + +DANIEL WEBSTER AND WILLIAM WIRT.--86. + +Daniel Webster was once engaged in a case in one of the Virginia +courts, and the opposing counsel was William Wirt, author of the "Life +of Patrick Henry," which has been criticised as a brilliant romance. +In the progress of the case Mr. Webster produced a highly respectable +witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the +case, and annihilated Mr. Wirt's client. After getting through the +testimony he informed Mr. Wirt, with a significant expression, that +he was through with the witness, and he was at his service. Mr. Wirt +rose to commence the cross-examination, but seemed for a moment quite +perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assumed a manner expressive +of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly eyeing the +witness a moment he said: "Mr. K----, allow me to ask you whether you +have ever read a work called Baron Munchausen?" Before the witness had +time to reply, Mr. Webster quickly rose and said: "I beg your pardon, +Mr. Wirt, for the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to +ask the witness, and if you will allow me that favour I promise not +to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt, in the blandest manner, replied, +"Yes, most certainly;" when Mr. Webster, in the most deliberate and +solemn manner, said: "Sir, have you ever read Wirt's 'Life of Patrick +Henry?'" The effect was so irresistible, that even the judge could not +control his rigid features. Mr. Wirt himself joined in the momentary +laugh, and turning to Mr. Webster said, "Suppose we submit this case +to the jury without summing up;" which was assented to, and Mr. +Webster's client won the case. + + +NOT TO BE DONE.--87. + +You have heard, perhaps, reader, of the encounter between an +Englishman and the market-woman at a fruit-stand in New York. The +Englishman had learned of the Yankee habit of bragging, and he thought +he would cut the comb of that propensity. He saw some huge watermelons +on the market-woman's stand, and walking up to her, and pointing at +them with a look of disappointment, said: "What! don't you raise +bigger apples than these in America?" The woman looked at him for a +moment, and then retorted: "Apples! any body might know you was an +Englishman. Them's huckleberries." + + +CAUGHT UNAWARES.--88. + +A wager was laid on the Yankee peculiarity of answering one question +by asking another. To decide the bet a Down-Easter was interrogated. +"I want you," said the better, "to give me a straightforward answer +to a plain question." "I kin du it, mister," said the Yankee. "Then +why is it New Englanders always answer a question by asking one in +return?" "_Du they?_" was Jonathan's reply. + + +THE YOUNG PATRIOT.--89. + +"No, William Baker, you cannot have my daughter's hand in marriage +until you are equal in wealth and social position." The speaker +was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and the person whom he +addressed was a fine-looking young fellow of twenty-five. With a sad +aspect, the young man withdrew from the stately mansion. Six months +later he stood again in the presence of the haughty father, who thus +angrily addressed him: "What! you here again?" "Ah, old man," proudly +exclaimed William Baker, "I am here--your daughter's equal and yours!" +The old man's lip curled with scorn, a derisive smile lit up his cold +features; when casting violently upon the marble centre table an +enormous roll of greenbacks, William Baker cried--"See! Look on this +wealth; and I've tenfold more! Listen, old man! You spurned me from +your door, but I did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing +the army of the ---- with beef----" "Yes, yes!" eagerly exclaimed the +old man. "And I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I could +find----" "I see, I see!" cried the old man; "and good beef they make, +too." "They do, they do! and the profits are immense." "I should say +so." "And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand." "Boy, she is +yours. But hold! Look me in the eye. Throughout all this have you +been loyal?" "To the core!" cried William Baker. "And," continued +the old man, in a voice husky with emotion, "are you in favour of a +vigorous prosecution of the war?" "I am, I am!" "Then, boy, take her! +Maria, child, come hither. Your William claims thee. Be happy, my +children! And, whatever our lot in life may be, let us all support the +Government." + + +DEMOSTHENES NOT DEAD.--90. + +They have orators out in Illinois, if we trust the description of +a certain military one, furnished us by a correspondent in that +State:--It was in dog-days, and a great hue and cry had been raised +about mad dogs. Although no person could be found who had seen one, +the excitement still grew by the rumours it was fed on. A meeting +of the citizens was called for the purpose of devising plans for +the extermination not only of mad dogs, but, to make safety doubly +sure, of dogs in general. The "brigadier" was appointed chairman. +After stating the objects of the meeting in a not very parliamentary +manner, instead of taking his seat and allowing others to make some +suggestions, he launched forth into a speech of some half-hour's +length, of which the following burst of forensic splendour is a +sample:--"FELLER CITIZENS,--The time has come when the +overcharged feelings of aggrawated human natur are no longer to be +stood. Mad dogs are midst of us; their shriekin' yelp and fomy track +can be heered and seen on our peraries. Death follers in their wake; +shall we sit here like cowards while our lives and our neighbours' +lives are in danger from their dreadful vorashus hidrofobie caninety? +No, it mustn't be. E'en now my house is torn with conflictin' feelin's +of wrath and wengeance; a funeral pyre of wild cats is burstin' +within me. I have horses and cattle, I have sheep and pigs, I have +a wife and children, and," rising higher as the importance of the +subject deepened in his estimation, "I have money out at interest; +_all in danger of bein' bit by these infernal dogs_!" + + +A PUZZLED JUDGE.--91. + +A man, named Josh, was brought before a country squire for stealing +a hog, and three witnesses being examined swore they saw him steal +it. A wag, having volunteered as counsel for Josh, knowing the scope +of the squire's brain, arose and addressed him as follows:--"May it +please your honour, I can establish this man's honesty beyond the +shadow of a doubt, for I have twelve witnesses ready to swear that +they DID NOT see him steal it." The squire rested his head +for a few moments upon his hand, as if in deep thought, and with great +dignity arose, and, brushing back his hair, said: "If there are twelve +who did not see him steal it, and only three who did, I discharge the +prisoner." + + +TO NEWSPAPER BORROWERS.--92. + +An up-country editor thus pays his respects to "Newspaper +borrowers--May theirs be a life of single blessedness; may their paths +be carpeted with cross-eyed snakes, and their nights be haunted with +knock-kneed tom-cats." + + +PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE.--93. + + Up this world, and down this world, + And over this world and through, + Though drifted about, + And tossed without, + Why, "paddle your own canoe." + + What though the sky is heavy with clouds, + Or shining a field of blue; + If the bleak wind blows, + Or the sunshine glows, + Still "paddle your own canoe." + + What if breakers rise up ahead, + With dark waves rushing through, + Move steadily by + With a steadfast eye, + And "paddle your own canoe." + + If a hurricane rise in the midnight skies, + And the stars are lost to view, + Glide safely along, + With a smile and a song, + And "paddle your own canoe." + + Up this world, and down this world, + And over this world and through, + Though weary and worn, + Bereft and forlorn, + Still "paddle your own canoe." + + Never give up when trials come, + Never grow sad and blue. + Never sit down + With a tear and a frown, + But "paddle your own canoe." + + There are daisies springing along the shores, + Blooming and sweet for you; + There are rose-hued dyes + In the autumn skies-- + Then "paddle your own canoe." + + +TO SNORERS.--94. + +An inventive Yankee has produced an apparatus which, he says, is a +cure for snoring. He fastens upon the nose a gutta-percha tube leading +to the tympanum of the ear. Whenever the snorer snores, he himself +receives the first impression, finds how disagreeable it is, and, of +course, reforms. + + +INGENIOUS BOOT-BLACK.--95. + +The street boot-blacks are one of the "institutions" of New York, as +well as of some other large cities. These boys are generally so polite +and so industrious that we rather like them, and sometimes take a +"shine up" just to see them work, and to chat with the smart little +fellows. Here is a case illustrating their ingenuity:--A well-dressed +man standing at a hotel-door not long since was hailed by one of them +with the usual question, "Shine up, sir?" "What do you charge for +blacking boots?" asked the man, who was somewhat noted for stinginess. +"Five cents," was the reply. "Too much, too much; I'll give you three +cents," said the man. "All right," said the youngster, and at it he +went with might and main, and very soon had one boot shining like a +mirror; but, instead of commencing on the other he began to pack up +his brushes. "You havn't finished," exclaimed the man. "Never mind," +replied the boot-black, with a twinkle in his eye; "I won't charge you +anything for what I've done; there comes a customer who pays." The +man glanced at the shining boot, then at the other, which was rusty +and bespattered with mud, thought of the ridiculous figure he would +make with _one_ polished boot, and amid the laughter of the bystanders +agreed to give the sharp boy ten cents to finish the job, which he did +in double quick time, and with great pleasure. + + +A YANKEE'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.--96. + + Sir, I was born and raised in Connecticut; + Bolted to sea, and was wreck'd in Japan; + Quite a respectable figure I 'spect I cut, + When coming back to keep school I began. + Guess at the saw-mill I proved a top sawyer, + And as a minister made a small splurge; + Reckon I felt more at home as a lawyer, + Ere as a doctor I learn'd how to purge. + But the long words in the medical lexicon + Soon I forgot from a couple of years + Spent in campaigning against the darn'd Mexican, + When I commanded the Bragg Volunteers. + Just for a change, then a paper I edited, + Scorch'd politicians, and pitch'd into books; + That was before I was envoy accredited-- + Austrian plenipo--General Snooks. + 'Tis a slow life--that of Minister resident-- + Posting despatches to kings, and what not; + But, as they propose to run me for President, + Hang'd if I care to repine at my lot. + + +COLD PICTURE.--97. + +An eminent artist, American, of course, lately painted a snow-storm so +naturally that he caught a bad cold by sitting near it with his coat +off. + + +LINCOLN ON NIGGER MATHEMATICS.--98. + +Our humorous Chief Magistrate was lately visited by one of the "On +to Richmond," sword of Gideon gentry, who confidently expressed the +hope so common among the abolition noodles, that Lee's army would be +"bagged." The President grinned to the utmost of his classic mouth, +and remarked that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger +mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled at the allusion, as he felt +bound in politeness to do, supposing there must be something in it, +though he could not see the point. "But I suppose you don't know what +'nigger mathematics' is?" continued Mr. Lincoln. "Lay down your hat +a minute and I'll tell you." He himself resumed the sitting posture, +leaned back in his chair, elevated his heels on the table, and went +on with his story. "There was a darky in my neighbourhood called +Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring up the prices of +chickens and vegetables, got the reputation of being a mathematical +genius. Mr. Johnson, a darkey preacher, heard of Pompey and called +to see him. 'Here ye're a great mat'm'tishum, Pompey.' 'Yes sar, you +jas try.' 'Well, Pompey, Ize compound a problem in mat'matics.' 'All +right, sar.' 'Now Pompey, spose dere am tree pigeons sittin' on a +rail-fence, and you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?' +'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little wool scratching. +'Ya! ya! ya!' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed you was a fool, Pompey; +dere's none left; one's dead, and dudder two's flown away.' That's +what makes me say," continued Mr. Lincoln, "that I am afraid there was +too much 'nigger mathematics' in the Pennsylvania campaign." And the +result showed that in this instance, at least, the anecdote suited the +fact. Lee's army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken down at +Gettysburg, but the other two flew over the Potomac. + + +THE WRONG TRAIN.--99. + +Some young men, going from Columbus to Cincinnati Ohio, in the cars, +were getting rather noisy and profane, when a gentleman in a white +cravat tapped one of them on the shoulder, with the remark, "Young +man, do you know that you are on the road to perdition?" "That's just +my luck; I got a ticket for Cincinnati, and I've got into the wrong +train." + + +SCIENTIFIC AGREEMENT.--100. + +A California paper tells the story of a showman who delighted an +"appreciating public" with a view of the Mammoth Cave. It was his +custom, as each scene was exhibited, to explain it. When the great +cave came to view, he stepped forward and said: "Ladies and gentlemen, +this is a great phenomena--indeed, the greatest of the world. The +learned of all nations have visited it; but while none could agree +as to the cause which had produced it, they all came to this grand +conclusion, that it was one of the most tremendous holes in the ground +they had ever seen." + + +THE SADDEST SIGHT.--101. + +The attention of bachelors is invited to the following "wail" from +the _Springfield Republican_:--"There are some sad sights in this +world: a city sacked and burned--a London in the midst of a plague--a +ship burning at sea--a family pining in starvation--a jug of molasses +wrecked on the pavement; but the saddest sight to us of all is an old +bachelor, stolidly walking towards his end, his great duties undone, +his shirt buttons off, his stockings out at the toes, and nobody to +leave his money to. Were we such a man, the mild, reproving eye of +a widow or maiden lady would drive us mad. But there is still hope. +Uglier and older men than any of our friends have married beautiful +wives, who trained them admirably, and spent their money elegantly." + + +NO DOUBT.--102. + +A western editor, in noticing a new and splendid hearse, says, "He has +no doubt it will afford much satisfaction to those who use it." + + +JOB'S PATIENCE--AS VIEWED BY A LADY.--103. + +If there _is_ a proverb that needs revamping, it is "_the patience +of Job_." Now, in the first place, Job _wasn't_ patient. Like all the +rest of his sex, from that day to the present, he could be heroic only +for a time. He _began_ bravely, but ended, as most of them do under +annoyance, by cursing and swearing. Patient as Job! Did Job ever try, +when he was hungry, to eat shad with a frisky baby in his lap? Did Job +ever try, after nursing one all night, and upon taking his seat at the +breakfast-table the morning after, to pour out coffee for six people, +and second cups at that, before he had a chance to take a mouthful +himself? Pshaw! I've no patience with "Job's patience." It is of no +use to multiply instances; but there's not a faithful house-mother in +the land who does not out-distance him in the sight of men and angels +every hour in the twenty-four. + + +HUNTING UP A SOFT PLACE.--104. + +"I was down to see the widow yesterday," said Tim's uncle, "and +she gave me a dinner. I went down rather early in the morning. We +talked, and laughed, and chatted, and run on, she going out and in +occasionally, till dinner was ready, when she helped me graciously to +a piece of pie. Now I thought that, Tim, rather favourable. I took it +as a symptom of personal approbation, because everybody knows I love +pigeon pie, and I flattered myself she had cooked it on purpose for +me. So I grew particularly cheerful, and thought I could see it in +her too. So, after dinner, while sitting close beside the widow, I +fancied we both felt kind of comfortable like: I know I did. I fell +over head and ears in love with her, and I imagined, from the way she +looked, she had fallen in love with me. She appeared for all the world +as if she thought it was coming. Presently--I couldn't help it--I +laid my hand softly on her beautiful shoulder, and I remarked, when I +placed it there, in my blandest tones, Tim--for I tried to throw my +whole soul into the expression--I remarked, then, with my eyes pouring +love, truth, and fidelity right into hers: 'Widow, this is the nicest, +softest place I ever had my hand in all my life!' Looking benevolently +at me, and at the same time flushing up a little, she said, in melting +and winning tones: 'Doctor, give me your hand, and I'll put it on a +much softer place.' In a moment, in rapture, I consented, and, taking +my hand, she very gently, Tim, and quietly laid it on my head. Now, +Tim, I havn't told this to a livin' soul but you, and, by jinks! you +musn't. But I couldn't hold in any longer, so I tell you; but, mind, +it musn't go any further." + + +ENGLISH GRAMMAR.--105. + +The "Comic Grammar" says:-- + + But remember, though box + In the plural makes boxes, + The plural of ox + Should be _oxen_, not oxes. + +To which an exchange paper adds:-- + + And remember, though fleece + In the plural is fleeces, + That the plural of goose + Aren't _gooses_ nor _geeses_. + +We may also be permitted to add:-- + + And remember, though house + In the plural is houses, + The plural of mouse + Should be _mice_, and not _mouses_. + + --_Philadelphia Gazette._ + + All of which goes to prove + That grammar a farce is; + For where is the plural + Of rum and molasses? + + --_New York Gazette._ + + The plural--_Gazette_-- + Of rum don't us trouble; + Take one glass too much + And you're sure to see double. + + --_Brooklyn Daily Advertiser._ + + A pair of blue eyes-- + Just to vary the strain-- + Says the plural of kiss + Is--"Do it again!" + + --_Howard County Sentinel._ + + Our English vernacular + Is rife in abuse: + "Unloose" is the same thing + As if you said _loose_! + + --_Montreal Pilot._ + + To these observations + We also might add + Much to prove that all grammar's + Deplorably bad; + But for Lennie and Murray + We have too much respect, + To say e'en a word + Having evil effect. + + --_Anon._ + + +ALL WELL.--106. + +A young lady of extraordinary capacity, addressed the following letter +to her cousin:--"We is all well, and mother's got the his Terrix; +brother Tom is got the Hupin Kaugh, and sister Ann has got a babee, +and hope these few lines will find you the same. Rite sune. Your +apfhectionate kuzzen." + + +WHAT HE ALWAYS DID AT HOME.--107. + +There is a story told of an Irishman who, landing in our harbour, was +met and welcomed by a countryman who had been longer here. "Welcome, +Pat," said the latter, "I'm glad to see ye; ye've come just in +time, for to-morrow's election day." Pat and his friend took some +refreshment together, and presently the newly arrived began to make +some inquiries about voting. "Ye'll vote for who ye plaize," said his +friend, "sure it's a free counthry." "Well, thin, begorra," rejoined +Pat, "I go agin the Government, that's what I always did at home." + + +HAVING THE COFFIN HANDY.--108. + +A man near Cleveland, Ohio, applied for exemption from the draft +because an old mother needed his cherishing care. To show how much +feeling this affectionate son has for his old mother, the neighbours +say he has had her coffin in the house for over two years. He came +to town with a load of wood one day, and being unable to sell it, he +contrived to trade it off with an undertaker for a coffin. His mother +being old, might die suddenly, and then, as Mrs. Toddles says, "how +handy it would be to have in the house." Being of a frugal as well as +an ingenious turn of mind, he put the coffin in the cellar to keep +turnips, against such time as the old lady might drop off. + + +PATERNAL ADVICE.--109. + +"Ven you arrive at the dignity of sawin' wood, Lafayette, if you is +elvevated to that perfesshun, mind and always saw de biggest fust; +cause vy? you'll only have te leetle vuns to saw ven you gets tired +out. Ven you eats pie, as I spose you may if you lives to be a man, +eat de crust fust--tain't a good thing to top off with, if it's tough +and thick as sole leather. Ven you piles up wood, alvays put de pig +vuns on to te bottom--always, Lafayette, cause it's mighty hard vork +to lift dem to de top ob te pile. Dese are te results ob observation, +Lafayette, and may be depended on, and it's for your good I say it." +"Vy, father," said young hopeful, "vot a 'normous 'xperience you must +a had!" + + +THE FIRST MARRIAGE.--110. + +We like short courtships, and in this Adam acted like a sensible man. +He fell asleep a bachelor, and awoke to find himself a married man. He +appeared to have popped the question almost immediately after meeting +Mademoiselle Eve, and she without any flirtation or shyness, gave him +a kiss and herself. Of this first event in the world, we have however, +our thoughts, and sometimes in a poetical mood have wished that we +were the man that did it. But the deed is done. The chance was Adam's +and he improved it. We like the notion of getting married in a garden; +it is a good taste. We like a private wedding--Adam's was private. No +envious beaux were there; no croaking old maids; no chattering aunts +and grumbling grandmothers. The birds of heaven were the minstrels, +and the glad sky flung its light upon the scene. One thing about +the wedding brings queer thoughts to us spite of scriptural truth. +Adam and his wife were rather young to be married--some two or three +days old, according to the sagest speculations of theologians; mere +babies--larger, but no older; without experience, without a house, +without a pot or kettle--nothing but love and Eden. + + +NOVEL COMMENTARY BY A PARSON.--111. + +A minister at a camp meeting was delivering a discourse on pride, and, +in cautioning the ladies against it, he said: "And you, dear sisters, +may perhaps feel proud that our Lord paid you the distinguished +honour of appearing first to one of you after the resurrection; but +you have no reason for it, as it was undoubtedly done that the glad +tidings might spread sooner." + + +LOBSTER SALAD.--112. + +In a lecture at Portland, Maine, the lecturer, wishing to explain to +a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he +has outgrown it, said: "What do you do when you have outgrown your +clothes? You cast them aside, do you not?" "Oh, no!" replied the +little one, "we let out the tucks!" The lecturer confessed she had the +advantage of him there. + + +COULDN'T HELP IT, IN FACT.--113. + +A grand jury down South ignored a bill against a negro for stealing +chickens, and before discharging him from custody, the judge bade him +stand reprimanded, and he concluded thus:--"You may go now, John, +but let me warn you never to appear here again." John, with delight +beaming in his eyes, and a broad grin, displaying a beautiful row +of ivory, replied: "I wouldn't been here dis time, Judge, only de +constable fotch me." + + +AFTER JOINING CHURCH.--114. + +Uncle Sam had a neighbour who was in the habit of working on Sunday, +but after a while he joined the church. One day he met the minister +to whose church he belonged. "Well, Uncle Sam," said he, "do you see +any difference in Mr. P. since he joined the church?" "Oh, yes," said +Uncle Sam, "a great difference. Before, when he went out to mend his +fences on Sunday, he carried his axe on his shoulder, but now he +carries it under his over-coat." + + +REMARKABLE DREAM.--115. + +A bashful youth was paying his addresses to a gay lass of the country, +who had long despaired of bringing things to a crisis. Youth called +one day when she was alone at home. After settling the merits of the +weather, Miss said, looking slyly into his face, "I dreamed of you +last night," "Did you? Why, now." "Yes, I dreamed you kissed me!" +"Why, now, what did you dream your mother said?" "Oh, I dreamed she +wasn't at home." A light dawned on Youth's intellect, and directly +something was heard to crack. + +THE NEST EGG.--116. + +Some friends of ours in Ohio have a little boy about six years old, +and a little girl about four. They had been cautioned in their morning +strife after hens' eggs not to take away the nest egg; but one morning +the little girl reached the nest first, seized an egg, and started for +the house. Her disappointed brother followed, crying, "Mother, mother! +Suzy, she's been and got the egg the old hen measures by!" + + +WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW? BY J. G. SAXE.--117. + + I know a girl with teeth of pearl + And shoulders white as snow; + She lives--ah! well, + I must not tell-- + Wouldn't you like to know? + + Her sunny hair is wondrous fair, + And wavy in its flow. + Who made it less + One little tress-- + Wouldn't you like to know? + + Her eyes are blue (celestial hue) + And dazzling in their glow. + On whom they beam + With melting gleam-- + Wouldn't you like to know? + + Her lips are red and finely wed, + Like roses ere they blow. + What lover sips + Those dewy lips-- + Wouldn't you like to know? + + Her fingers are like lilies fair, + When lilies fairest grow. + Whose hand they press + With fond caress-- + Wouldn't you like to know? + + Her foot is small, and has a fall + Like snow-flakes on the snow. + And where it goes + Beneath the rose-- + Wouldn't you like to know? + + She has a name, the sweetest name + That language can bestow. + 'Twould break the spell + If I should tell-- + Wouldn't you like to know? + + +WOMAN-OLOGY.--118. + +We (_Home Journal_) wish to be learned in the subtle science of +the softer sex. We aspire to know, at least, what it is that makes +woman so adorable as magnetism pronounces her to be, and we have +seen nothing so tributary to this science as an article in "Once a +Month," entitled "The Good that hath been said of Woman." From the +pleasant little periodical we speak of (edited by a younger brother of +our own), we quote thus largely:--"One day the Fairy Blue descended +upon earth with the courteous intention of distributing to all her +daughters, inhabitants of different lands, the treasures and favours +she brought with her. Her dwarf, Amaranth, sounded his horn, and +immediately a young girl of each nation presented herself at the foot +of the throne of Fairy Blue. This happened a long time before the +revolution of July, 1830. The good Fairy Blue said to all her friends: +'I desire that none of you shall have to complain of the gift I am +about to make you. It is not in my power to give each of you the +same thing; but such want of uniformity in my largesses, should that +deprive them of all merit?' As time is precious to the fairies, they +say but little. Fairy Blue here finished her speech, and commenced the +distribution of her gifts. She gave to the young girl who represented +the Castiles, hair so black and so long that she could make a mantilla +of it. To the Italian girl she gave eyes, sparkling and brilliant as +an eruption of Vesuvius at midnight. To the Turkish, an _embonpoint_ +round as the moon, and soft as eider-down. To the English, an +aurora-borealis, to tint her cheeks, her lips, her shoulders. To the +German, such teeth as she had herself, and what is not worth less +than pretty teeth, but which has its price, a feeling heart, and +one profoundly disposed to love. To the Russian girl she gave the +distinction of a queen. Then, passing to detail, she placed gaiety +upon the lips of a Neapolitan girl, wit in the head of an Irish, good +sense in the heart of a Flemish; and when she had no more to give, +she prepared to take her flight. 'And I?' said the Parisian girl, +retaining her by her blue tunic. 'I had forgotten you.' 'Entirely +forgotten, Madam?' 'You were too near me, and I did not perceive you. +But what can I do now? The bag of gifts is exhausted.'" + + +OLE HARRY AND OLE NICK.--119. + +When Nicholas Biddle, familiarly called Nick Biddle, was connected +with the United States Bank, there was an old negro named Harry, who +used to be loafing about the premises. One day, in a social mood, +Biddle said to the darkey, "Well, what is your name, my old friend?" +"Harry, sir--ole Harry," said the other, touching his seedy hat. "Old +Harry," said Biddle; "why, that is the name they give to the devil, is +it not?" "Yes, sir," said the coloured gentleman; "sometimes ole Harry +and sometimes ole Nick." + + +WESTERN OBITUARY NOTICE.--120. + +Mister Edatur,--Jem bangs, we are sorry to stait, has desized. He +departed this Life last mundy. Jem was generally considered a gud +feller. He died at the age of 23 years old. He went 4th without any +struggle; and sich is Life. Tu Day we are as pepper grass, mighty +smart, to-Murrer we are cut down like a cowcumber of the ground. Jem +kept a nice stoar, which his wife now waits on. His virchews was +numerous to behold. Many is the things we bot at his grocerry, and +we are happy to stait to the admirin world that he never cheeted, +especially in the wate of markrel, which was nice and sweet, and his +surviving wife is the same wa. We never knew him to put sand in his +sugar, tho he had a big sand bar in front of his hous; nor water in +his Lickuris, tho the Ohio River runs past his dore. Pece to his +remaines. He leves a wife, 8 children, a cow, 4 horses, a grocerry +stoar, and quadrupets, to mourn his loss; but, in the spalendid +language of the poit, his loss is there eternal gane. + + +PUTTING FORWARD HIS CREED.--121. + +The gentleman who edits the _Kentucky Rifle_, having been taken to +task by a lady correspondent as to what constituted his particular +faith, thus puts forward his creed:--"We believe that Mrs. Zebedee +was a nice woman and that Mr. Zebedee was the father of his own +children. We believe that guano and lime mixed together will make +splendid hartshorn. It is our opinion that a donkey's kick and editing +a newspaper are two of the hardest things in creation. We believe +that getting 'tight' loosens the morals, but we shall always contend +that it is cheaper in the long run to try the experiment with good +whisky than with a mean article. We believe that a man who can be kept +awake six nights in the week with jumping toothache, and be 'roused' +by a squalling baby just as he has fallen into a doze on the seventh +night, without getting mad or wondering why babies and toothache were +invented, is a greater philosopher than Newton, and a greater hero +than Leonidas and all his Spartans put together. We believe that a man +is not likely to be sick so often if he pays his physician by the year +as if he pays him by the visit. We believe that every well-regulated +family ought always to have one baby in it, just for the fun of the +thing. We believe that the man who invented tallow candles must have +been too poor to afford pine-knots. It is our opinion that if a number +of gentlemen are sitting together talking sensibly upon some subject, +and a lady enters, they will immediately commence talking foolishly +and keep it up until she makes her exit. We believe they do so by way +of complimentary condescension to female weakness." + + +NOT SO.--122. + +Many proverbs admit of contradiction, as witness the following:--"The +more the merrier." Not so--one hand is enough in a purse. "Nothing but +what has an end." Not so--a ring has none, for it is round. "Money +is a great comfort." Not when it brings a thief to the gallows. "The +world is a long journey." Not so--the sun goes over it in a day. "It +is a great way to the bottom of the sea." Not so--it is but a stone's +cast. "A friend is best found in adversity." Not so--for then there +is none to be found. "The pride of the rich makes the labour of the +poor." Not so--the labour of the poor makes the pride of the rich. + + +THE OHIO DEMOCRACY.--123. + +The _Cincinnati Commercial_, in a report of a Vallandigham meeting +at Carthage, Ohio, sets down what it calls "the barometrical +register" of the meeting as follows:--"Nine a.m.--Invitations to +drink are freely offered and accepted. Ten a.m.--Sober, but drinking. +Eleven a.m.--Noisy and demonstrative; liquor becoming effective. +Twelve a.m.--Generally 'tight;' pugnacity rising. One p.m.--Rather +drunk; fights freely offered. Two p.m.--Quite drunk; black eyes in +abundance--holders not very firm. Three p.m.--Very drunk; hacks and +furniture-cars in demand. Four p.m.--D--cidedly drunk; too far gone to +fight." + + +A NICE GIRL.--124. + +There is nothing half so sweet in life--half so beautiful, or +delightful, or so loveable--as a "nice girl." Not a pretty, or a +dashing, or an elegant girl, but a _nice_ girl. One of those lovely, +lively, good-tempered, good-hearted, sweet-faced, amiable, neat, +happy, domestic creatures met within the sphere of home, diffusing +around the domestic hearth the influence of her goodness like the +essence of sweet flowers. A nice girl is not the languishing beauty, +dawdling on a sofa, and discussing the last novel or opera; or the +giraffe-like creature sweeping majestically through a drawing-room. +The nice girl may not even dance or play well, and knows nothing +about "using her eyes," or coquetting with a fan. She is not given to +sensation novels--she is too busy. At the opera, she is not in front +showing her bare shoulders, but sits quietly and unobtrusively--at +the back of the box most likely. In fact, it is not often in such +scenes we discover her. Home is her place. Who rises betimes, and +superintends the morning meal? Who makes the toast and the tea, and +buttons the boys' shirts, and waters the flowers, and feeds the +chickens, and brightens up the parlour and sitting-room? Is it the +languisher, or the giraffe, or the _élégante_? Not a bit of it--it's +the nice girl. Her unmade toilet is made in the shortest possible +time; yet how charmingly it is done, and how elegant her neat dress +and plain colour! What kisses she distributes among the family! No +presenting a cheek or a brow, like a "fine girl," but an audible +smack, which says plainly, "I love you ever so much." If I ever +coveted anything, it is one of the nice girl's kisses. Breakfast +over, down in the kitchen to see about dinner; always cheerful and +light-hearted. She never ceases to be active and useful until the day +is done, when she will polka with the boys, and sing old songs, and +play old tunes to her father for hours together. She is a perfect +treasure, is the "nice girl," when illness comes; it is she that +attends with unwearying patience to the sick chamber. There is no +risk, no fatigue that she will not undergo, no sacrifice that she will +not make. She is all love, all devotion. I have often thought it would +be happiness to be ill, to be watched by such loving eyes and tended +by such fair hands. One of the most strongly marked characteristics +of a "nice girl" is tidiness and simplicity of dress. She is ever +associated in my mind with a high frock, plain collar, and the +neatest of neck-ribbons, bound with the most modest little brooch in +the world. I never knew a "nice girl" who displayed a profusion of +rings and bracelets, or who wore low dresses or a splendid bonnet. +I say again, there is nothing in the world half so beautiful, half +so intrinsically good, as a "nice girl." She is the sweetest flower +in the path of life. There are others far more stately, far more +gorgeous, but these we merely admire as we go by. It is where the +daisy grows that we lie down to rest. + + +A REASON FOR DEAR CREAM.--125. + +The _Boston Post_ says that the reason why cream is so dear is, that +milk has risen so high the cream can't reach the top. + + +ADVICE TO PARENTS.--126. + +Rear up your lads like nails, and then they'll not only go through the +world, but you may clench 'em on to the other side. + + +EXTRAORDINARY CROW.--127. + +A native of Kentucky imitates the crowing of a cock so remarkably +well, that the sun, upon several occasions, has risen two hours +earlier by mistake. + + +LOGS WANTED.--128. + +The printer of the _Western Gazette_ lately published the following +notice:--"Dry stove wood wanted immediately at this office, in +exchange for papers. N.B. Don't bring logs that the _Devil_ can't +split." + + +LOOK ON THIS PICTURE AND ON THIS.--129. + +_Matrimony._--Hot buckwheat cake--comfortable slippers--smoking +coffee--buttons--redeemed stockings--boot-jacks--happiness. +_Bachelorhood._--Sheet-iron quilts--blue noses--frosty rooms--ice +in the pitcher--unregenerated linen--heelless stockings--coffee +sweetened with icicles--gutta-percha biscuits--flabby steaks--dull +razors--corns--coughs and colics--rhubarb--aloes--misery. + + +ABSENCE OF MIND.--130. + +A Mr. Jaber J. Jenkinson, of Arkansas, whose sight is such as to +render glasses necessary, put his spectacles on his ear instead of his +eyes, one day last week, and actually walked three miles sideways in a +heavy rain before he discovered his mistake. + + +DOMESTIC ECONOMY.--131. + +The _Boston Herald_ has the following infallible recipe:--"To make +pie: Play at blind man's buff in a printing-office. To have music at +dinner: Tell your wife she is not so handsome as the lady who lives +over the way. To save butter: Make it so salt that nobody can eat it." + + +TALL RELATIONS.--132. + +The wit deservedly won his bet who, in a company when every one was +bragging of his tall relations, wagered that he himself had a brother +twelve feet high. He had, he said, "two half-brothers, each measuring +six feet." + + +WE WONDER, TOO.--133. + +A little boy once said to his aunt, "Aunty, I should think that Satan +must be an awful trouble to God." "He must be troubled enough, +indeed, I should think," she answered. "I don't see how he came to +turn out so, when there _was no devil to put him up to it_." + + +INFLAMMABLE AND DANGEROUS.--134. + +Judge Beeler put a notice over his factory-gate at Lowell: "No cigars +or Irishmen admitted within these walls; for," says he, "the one will +set a flame agoin' among my cotton, and t'other among my gals. I won't +have no such inflammable and dangerous things about me on no account." + + +A RARE PRINTER.--135. + +A western paper contains the following advertisement:--"Wants a +situation, a practical printer, who is competent to take charge of +any department in a printing and publishing house. Would accept a +professorship in any of the academies. Has no objection to teach +ornamental painting and penmanship, geometry, trigonometry, and many +other sciences. Is particularly suited to act as pastor to a small +Evangelical church, or as a local preacher. He would have no objection +to form a small but select class of interesting young ladies, to +instruct in the highest branches. To a dentist or chiropodist he +would be invaluable, as he can do almost anything. Would board with a +family, if decidedly pious." + + +SOMETHING LIKE A GOOD SHOT.--136. + +Two passengers coming down the Mississippi in a steamboat were amusing +themselves with shooting birds on the shore from the deck. Some +sporting conversation ensued; one remarked that he would turn his back +to no man in killing racoons--that he had repeatedly shot fifty a +day. "What o' that?" said a Kentuckian; "I make nothing of killing a +hundred 'coon a day, or'nary luck." "Do you know Captain Scott, of our +State?" asked a Tennessean bystander; "he, now, is something like a +shot. A hundred 'coon! why he never points at one without hitting him. +He never misses, and the 'coons know it. T'other day he levelled at an +old 'un, in a high tree; the varmint looked at him a minute, and then +bawled out, 'Hallo, Cap'n Scott, is that you?' 'Yes,' was the reply. +'Well, pray don't shoot, I'll come down to you--I'll give in--I'm dead +beat.'" + + +ABSENCE OF MIND.--137. + +A highly respectable inhabitant in the city of New York lately died +under very remarkable circumstances. He was subject to fits of extreme +absence of mind from childhood; and one night, upon retiring to rest, +having carefully tucked his pantaloons under the bed-clothes, he threw +himself over the back of a chair, and expired from the severe cold he +experienced during the night. The editor of the _New York Herald_, who +relates this extraordinary fact, assures his readers, as a guarantee +of its truth, that he received his information from the individual in +question. + + +A REMARKABLE MAN.--138. + +There is a man in the West who is described as being so remarkably +tall that he requires a ladder to shave himself! The same individual +never troubles his servant to sit up for him when he is out late at +night, for he can, with the most perfect ease, put his arm down the +chimney and unbolt the street-door. + + +SPECTACLES AND BIBLE READING.--139. + +The will of Elias Boudinot, of New Jersey, has just been proved. It +contains the following clause:--"I give to the president and managers +of the New Jersey Bible Society 200 dollars, to be laid out in the +purchase of spectacles, to be given by them to the poor old people; it +being in vain to give a Bible to those who cannot obtain the means of +reading it." + + +TO THE POINT.--140. + +An officer who was inspecting his company one morning spied one +private whose shirt was sadly begrimed. "Patrick O'Flynn!" called out +the captain. "Here, yer honour!" promptly responded Patrick, with +his hand to his cap. "How long do you wear a shirt?" thundered the +officer. "Twenty-eight inches," was the rejoinder. + + +EXTRAORDINARY MOTTO.--141. + +The _New York Herald_ has the following for its motto:--"Take no +shin-plasters (all damned rogues who issue them), live temperately, +drink moderately, eschew temperance societies, take care of the +sixpences, never hurt a saint, go to bed at ten, rise at six, never +buy on credit, fear God Almighty, love the beautiful girls, vote +against Van Buren, and kick all politicians and parsons to the devil." + + +EXCESSIVE POLITENESS.--142. + +A Californian poet gives the following lesson on politeness to the +youth of the Golden State:-- + + "Indeed, my friends, far better it would seem, + Were you to choose the opposite extreme; + Like one 'Down East' who an umbrella took, + And from the rain gave shelter to a duck; + Who to a limping dog once lent his arm, + And to a setting hen said, 'Don't rise, ma'am;' + Nor e'er to lifeless things respect did lack-- + Said always to a chair, 'Excuse my back;' + 'Excuse my curiosity,' he said to books; + And to the looking-glass, 'Excuse my looks.'" + + +"A SHELL IN DE STOVE."--143. + +The _New York Herald's_ Morris Island correspondent relates as follows +an incident of the operations at Charleston:--Quite an uproar was +occasioned in the rear of the _Herald's_ tent here yesterday. General +Terry, whose head-quarters adjoin those of your correspondent, has a +sable cook, who wanted some lead for his fishing-tackle, and undertook +to melt some from the outside of a ten-pound Parrot shell, which he +discovered lying about the camp. Placing the projectile in a stove, +and seating himself where he could catch the molten metal in a shovel +as it fell, he soon had the satisfaction of seeing one of the most +startling views ever brought to his vision. The shell exploded, and +besides blowing the stove and cookhouse to atoms, inflicted serious +wounds upon the darkey. My servant, a contraband from Beaufort, gave +vent to the universal sentiment, while he was surveying the wreck +which the explosion occasioned, and from which we so narrowly escaped, +in the following sage remark:--"De dam ole fool, come clar gown yere +f'm Bos'n an' put a shell in de stove!" If General Terry's niggers +continue to obtain their "sinkers" in this manner, you may expect to +hear that the _Herald's_ head-quarters have been removed. + + +DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.--144. + +In New York, a quick-witted toper went into a bar-room and called +for something to drink. "We don't sell liquor," said the law-evading +landlord; "we will give you a glass, and then if you want a cracker +(a biscuit) we'll sell it you for three cents." The "good creature" +was handed down, and our hero took a stiff horn; when, turning round +to depart, the unsuspecting landlord handed him the dish of crackers, +with the remark, "You'll buy a cracker?" "Well, no, I guess not; +you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots on 'm five or six for a cent +anywhere else." + + +EDITORIAL TRIBULATIONS.--145. + +The editor of the _American Mechanic_ has encountered trials unknown +to ordinary men. Just hearken unto his wailings:--"Owing to the +fact that our paper-maker disappointed us, the failure of the mails +deprived us of our exchanges, a Dutch pedlar stole our scissors, the +rats ran off with the paste, and the devils went to the circus, while +the editor was at home tending the baby, our paper is unavoidably +postponed beyond the period of its publication." + + +SAMBO AND CUFFEE.--146. + +Varnum S. Mills, of this city, tells a story illustrative of the +simplicity of Virginia niggers. He was visiting a friend in the Old +Dominion, who owns many slaves, among whom were two, named Sambo and +Cuffee, who seemed to be mortal enemies. Sambo was a favourite with +the master, who one day said to him: "Sambo, you have always been a +good nigger, and when you die you shall have a funeral. My family will +all attend, and all the niggers shall be present, and Cuffee shall +be a pall-bearer." The darkey looked his master in the face with the +simplicity of a soft clam when dug out of the mud at low tide, and +indignantly responded: "Massa, if Cuffee comes to de funeril, I won't +go to the grabe." It apparently did not occur to Sambo that he should +be "conveyed" thither. + + +AN ODE ON GAS.--147. + +A country town having been recently lighted with gas, the local editor +electrifies the community with an ode: + + "Luminous blaze! + I never seen the like in all my born days! + Tallow candles ain't no mor'n tar + When you're about; + And spirit lamps is no whar, + Bein clean dun out. + + "Sparkling lite! + I think I never seen anything half so brite; + Everything is amazing clear; + The hidjus glume + Is defunct; and every cheer + Is apparient in the rume! + + "Gloryous halo! + Your skintelashuns make a surprising display; + You don't need no snuffers, + But you are just scrude out; + When you are squenched by puffers, + Ojus fumes aryse. + + "Brillyant flame! + The nites was next to darkness when you came; + But candles has vanisht + Before you, and lard oil gone to grass; + Every greasy nuisance has been banisht-- + Hurraw for Gass!" + + +CURIOSITIES OF AMERICAN SPEECH.--148. + +In a book on Americanisms, published last year, a Baltimore young +lady is represented as jumping up from her seat, on being asked to +dance, and saying, "Yes, sirree: for I have sot, and sot, and sot, +till I've nigh tuk root!" I cannot say I have heard anything quite +equal to this; but I very well remember that at a party given on +board one of the ships at Esquimault, a young lady declined to dance +a "fancy" dance upon the plea, "I'd rather not, sir. I guess I'm not +_fixed up_ for waltzing;" an expression the peculiar meaning of which +must be left to readers of her own sex to decide. An English young +lady who was staying at one of the houses at Mare Island when we were +there, happened one evening, when we were visiting her friends, to +be confined to her room with a headache. Upon our arrival, the young +daughter of our host--a girl of bout twelve--went up to her to try to +persuade her to come down. "Well," she said, "I'm _real_ sorry you're +so poorly. You'd better come, for there are some almighty swells down +there!" A lady speaking of the same person, said, "Her hair, sir, took +my fancy right away!" Again, several of us were one day talking to a +tall, slight young lady about the then new-fashioned crinoline which +she was wearing. After a little banter, she said, "I guess, captain, +if you were to take my hoops off you might draw me through the eye of +a needle!" Perhaps one of the most whimsical of these curiosities of +expression, combining freedom of manner with that of speech, was made +use of to Captain Richards by a master-caulker. He had been vainly +endeavouring to persuade the captain that the ship required caulking; +and at last he said in disgust, "You may be liberal as a private +citizen, captain, but you're mean to an almighty pump-tack!"--in his +official capacity of course. Again, an American gentleman on board +of one of our mail-packets was trying to recall to the recollection +of the mail-agent a lady who had been fellow-passenger with them on +a former occasion. "She sat opposite you at table all the voyage," +he said. "Oh, I think I remember her; she ate a great deal, did she +not?" "Eat, sir!" was the reply; "she was a perfect gastronomic +fillibuster!" One more example and I have done with a subject upon +which I might enlarge for pages. The boys at the school at Victoria +were being examined in Scripture, and the question was asked, "In what +way did Hiram assist Solomon in the building of the temple?" It passed +two or three boys, when at last one sharp little fellow triumphantly +exclaimed, "Please, sir, he _donated_ him the lumber." + + +VERY LIKELY.--149. + +"From Camden to Bletchly, a distance of forty miles I travelled along +with Mrs. Greaves. She was a sweet and interesting woman--so sweet +and interesting that, fastidious as I am on the subject, I believe I +would have been willing to have kissed her. I had, however, several +reasons for not perpetrating this act. First, I am such a good husband +I wouldn't even be guilty of the appearance of disloyalty to my sweet +wife. Second, I was afraid our fellow-passengers would see me and tell +Greaves. Third, I do not think Mrs. G. would let me." + + +CURIOUS EVENT.--150. + +A diffident Hartford bachelor went to the sea-shore in August to seek +refuge from the loneliness of his celibacy, and one dark evening, +enjoying the breeze on the piazza of his hotel, happened to take a +seat that had just been vacated by the husband of a loving wife, +with whom the happy man had been chatting. In a few moments the lady +returned, and, mistaking the stranger for her husband, lovingly +encircled his neck and gave him an affectionate kiss, with the remark, +"Come, darling, is it not about time to retire?" He did not faint, but +the shock was very severe. + + +HOT PIES.--151. + +One freezing February morning a negro hawked mutton pies in a basket +around Faneuil Hall Square, roaring out, "Hot mutton pies!" "Hot +mutton pies!" A teamster bought and tried to bite one, but found it +frozen as solid as the curb-stone. "What do you call them hot for, you +black and blue swindler?" yelled the teamster to the shivering pieman. +"Wy, wy, a white man guv 'em to me hot dis mornin'. Dey was hot wen +I got 'em dis mornin'!" "Well, you fool, it didn't take ten minutes +to freeze them in that old basket. Why call them hot now?" "Wy, bless +you, dats de name ob 'em--de name ob 'em! If I didn't holler de right +name nobody would tetch 'em. You want me to holler froze pies, I +suppose! No, sa; you can't fool me dat way!" + + +A MIGHTY THICK FOG.--152. + +A rather loquacious individual was endeavouring to draw an old man +into conversation, but hitherto without much success, the old fellow +having sufficient discernment to see that his object was to make +a little sport for the passengers at his expense. At length says +loquacious individual: "I suppose you consider Down East a right smart +place; but I guess it would puzzle them to get up quite so thick a fog +as we are having here this morning, wouldn't it?" "Well," said the +old man, "I don't know about that. I hired one of your Massachusetts +chaps to work for me last summer, and one rather foggy mornin' I sent +him down to the meadow to lay a few courses of shingle on a new barn +I was finishin' off. At dinner-time the fellow came up, and, sez he, +'That's an almighty long barn of yourn.' Sez I, 'Not very long.' +'Well,' sez he, 'I've been to work all this forenoon, and haven't got +one course laid yet.' 'Well,' sez I, 'you're a lazy fellow, that's all +I've got to say.' And so after dinner I went down to see what he'd +been about, and I'll be thundered ef he hadn't shingled more than a +hundred foot _right out on to the fog_." + + +WHISKERS AND KISSES.--153. + +The editress of the _Lancaster Literary Gazette_ says she would as +soon nestle her nose in a rat's nest of swingle tow as allow a man +with whiskers on to kiss her. We (_Petersburg Express_) don't believe +a word of it. The objections which some ladies pretend to have to +whiskers all arise from envy. They don't have any. They would if they +could; but the fact is, the continual motion of the lower jaw is fatal +to their growth. The ladies--God bless them!--adopt our fashion as +far as they can. Look at the depredations they have committed on our +wardrobes the last few years. They have appropriated our shirt-bosoms, +gold studs and all. They have encircled their soft bewitching necks +in our standing collars and cravats--driving them to flatties and +turn-downs. Their innocent little hearts have been palpitating in the +inside of our waistcoats, instead of thumping against the outside, +as naturally intended. They have thrust their pretty feet and ankles +through our unmentionables, unwhisperables, unthinkaboutables; and +they are skipping along the streets in our high-heeled boots. Do you +hear, gentlemen?--we say boots! + + +LITTLES.--154. + +Everything is beautiful when it is little (except souls!)--little +pigs, little lambs, little birds, little kittens, little children. +Little Martin boxes of houses are generally the most happy and cozy; +little villages are nearer to being atoms of a shattered paradise +than anything we know of. Little fortunes bring the most content, and +little hopes the least disappointment. Little words are the sweetest +to hear, and little charities fly furthest and stay the longest on +the wing. Little lakes are the stillest, little hearts the fullest, +and little farms the best tilled. Little books the most read, and +little songs the best loved. And when Nature would make anything +especially rare and beautiful, she makes it little--little pearls, +little diamonds, little dews. Agar's is a model prayer, but then it +is a little prayer, and the burden of the petition is for little. +The Sermon on the Mount is little, but the last dedication discourse +was two hours. The Roman said, "_Veni, vidi, vici_"--I came, saw, +conquered; but despatches now-a-days are longer than the battles they +tell of. Everybody calls that little which they love best upon earth. +We once heard a good sort of a man speak of his little wife, and we +fancied she must be a perfect _bijou_ of a woman. We saw her; she +weighed two hundred and ten; we were surprised. But then it was no +joke--the man meant it. He could put his wife in his heart, and have +room for other things besides; and what was she but precious, and what +could she be but little? We rather doubt the stories of great argosies +of gold we sometimes hear of, for Nature deals in littles altogether. +Life is made up of littles, death is what remains of them all. Day +is made up of little beams, and night is glorious with little stars. +_Multum in parvo_--much in little--is the great beauty of all that we +love best, hope for most, and remember longest. + + +SPEAKING HIS DEEP EMOTIONS.--155. + +"My dear Ellen," said Mr. Softfellow to a young lady whose smiles +he was seeking, "I have long wished for this sweet opportunity, but +I hardly dare trust myself now to speak the deep emotions of my +palpitating heart; but I declare to you, my dearest Ellen, that I love +you most tenderly; your smiles would shed--would shed----" "Never mind +the wood-shed," said Ellen, "go on with that pretty talk." + + +SPIRITUALISM EXTRAORDINARY.--156. + +An enthusiastic spiritualist, when relating to a sceptic certain +spiritual performances to which he could testify, said that on one +occasion the spirit of his wife, who had been dead several years, +returned to him, and, seating herself on his knee, put her arms around +him and kissed him, much to his gratification, as she used to do when +living. "You do not mean to say," remarked the sceptic, "that the +spirit of your wife really embraced you and kissed you?" "No, not +exactly that," replied the believer; "but her spirit took possession +of the female medium--the future Mrs. B---- that is to be, you +know--and through her embraced and kissed me." + + +MILWAUKEE ELOQUENCE.--157. + +Western eloquence continues to improve. A Wisconsin reporter sends the +following sketch. A lawyer in Milwaukee was defending a handsome young +woman accused of stealing from a large unoccupied dwelling in the +night-time, and thus he spake in conclusion:--"Gentlemen of the jury, +I am done. When I gaze with enraptured eyes on the matchless beauty +of this peerless virgin, on whose resplendent charms suspicion never +dared to breathe; when I behold her radiant in this glorious bloom +of lustrous loveliness, which angelic sweetness might envy but could +not eclipse--before which the star on the brow of Night grows pale, +and the diamonds of Brazil are dim--and then reflect upon the utter +madness and folly of supposing that so much beauty would expose itself +to the terrors of an empty building in the cold, damp, dead of night, +when innocence like hers is hiding itself amidst the snowy pillows of +repose; gentlemen of the jury, my feelings are too overpowering for +expression, and I throw her into your arms for protection against this +foul charge, which the outrageous malice of a disappointed scoundrel +has invented, to blast the fair name of this lovely maiden, whose +smile shall be the reward of the verdict which I know you will give." + + +HEAVY TOP-DRESSING.--158. + +"It's all very pretty talk," said a recently married old bachelor, who +had just finished reading an essay on the "Culture of Women," just as +a heavy milliner's bill was presented to him--"it's all very pretty, +this cultivation of women; but such a charge as this for bonnets is +rather a heavy top-dressing--in my judgment." + + +HAIRS, NOT BRISTLES.--159. + +"I am willing to split hairs with my opponent all day if he insists +on it," said a very distinguished American lawyer the other day, in a +speech at the bar. "Split _that_ then," said the opponent, pulling a +coarse specimen from his own head, and extending it. "May it please +the court, I didn't say _bristles_!" + + +ANTEDILUVIAN DIET.--160. + +A friend thinks the antediluvian life must have been a great contrast +to ours, and pictures it thus:--"Only fancy having two dried whales +hanging in your larder, and a cold mammoth 'cut and come again' on the +sideboard. 'Shall I help you to a bit of Icthoyaturns?' 'Thank you, I +should prefer a slice of your Mastadon.' Stewed Plesiosauri! Leviathan +_à la crapoderie_! Imagine a bill, not at twelve months, but at two +hundred years; and a fellow who carried off your plate-box getting +sent to the treadmill for fourscore summers! Consider an elderly +gentleman, with a liver complaint of only one hundred years' standing, +wearing out four sets of false teeth, and finally carried off, after +a brief illness of three hundred and ten years, in a galloping +consumption!" + + +JIMMY O'NEIL AND PRESIDENT JACKSON.--161. + +When Jackson was President, Jimmy O'Neil, the porter, was a +marked character. He had his foibles, which were offensive to the +fastidiousness of Colonel Donelson, and caused his dismissal on an +average of about once a week. But on appeal to the higher court, +the verdict was invariably reversed by the good nature of the old +general. Once, however, Jimmy was guilty of some flagrant offence, +and was summoned before the highest tribunal at once. The general, +after stating the details of the misdeed, observed, "Jimmy, I have +borne with you for years, in spite of all complaints; but in this act +you have gone beyond my powers of endurance." "And do you believe +the story?" asked Jimmy. "Certainly," answered the general: "I have +just heard it from two senators." "Faith," retorted Jimmy, "if I +believe all that twenty senators say about you it's little I'd think +you are fit to be President." "Pshaw! Jimmy," concluded the general; +"clear out and go on duty, but be more careful hereafter." Jimmy +remained with his kind-hearted patron not only to the close of his +presidential term, but, accompanying him to the Hermitage, was with +him to the day of his death. + + +THE ORIGIN OF "SOME PUNKIN."--162. + +An old lady was engaged in making pumpkin pies; she had got the +pumpkin all prepared, when by an untoward accident the table was +overturned, and the pumpkin went on to the floor. The table in +overturning overset the slop-pail, and the slops went on the floor +too. The old lady being of a saving disposition, concluded to save +the pumpkin and clean up also; so she takes up one handful, looks +at it--"That's punkin"--puts it into the pumpkin-dish; takes up +another--"That's slops"--puts it into the slop-pail. So she goes on +picking up alternately pumpkin and slops, till finally she gets a +handful mixed. She looks at it, and says, "That is _some punkin_, but +mostly slops!" and hence the phrase. + + +ARTEMUS WARD ON THE NEGRO.--163. + +Feller Sittersuns,--The African may be our brother. Severil hily +rispectable gentlemen and some talented females tell us so, and for +argyment sake i might be injooced to grant it, tho' I don't beleeve +it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, and unkle. He +isn't severil of our brothers and fust wife's relashuns. He isn't +our grandfather and grate grandfather, and our aunt in the country. +Scarcely: And yet numeris persons would have us think. It's troo he +runs Congress and severil others grossery's, but he ain't everybody. +But we've got the African, or ruther he's got us, and how are we +going to do about it? He's a orful noosance. P'raps he isn't to blame +for it. P'raps he was created for some wise purpis, like the measles +and New England rum, but it's mity hard to see it. At any rate here, +and as I stated to Mr. What-is-it, it's a pity he coodent go off +somewheres quietly by hisself, where he cood wear red weskits and +speckled necties, and gratefy his ambition in varis interestin wayse, +without havin a eternal fuss up about him. P'raps I'm bearing down too +hard on Cuffy. + + +A QUAKER'S EXCUSE FOR FIRING.--164. + +A good story is told of a Quaker volunteer, who was in a Virginia +skirmish. Coming in pretty close quarters with a Secessionist, he +remarked: "Friend, 'tis very unfortunate, but thee standest just where +I am going to shoot;" and, blazing away, down came his man. + + +BROTHER OF FOUR MILLION CHILDREN.--165. + +A Kansas woman, named Million, was lately married, and by her marriage +the bride becomes sister to her father and mother and aunt to her +brothers and sisters. The groom becomes son of a younger brother, his +sister-in-law becomes his mother, and he becomes the brother of four +"Million" children. What relation were said parties previous to their +marriage? + + +SUSPECTING THE SHELL.--166. + +When the mine dug under Fort Hill, at Vicksburg, by General Logan, +exploded, June 26th, a large number of rebels were killed and wounded. +Among others who were blown high above the works was an American +citizen of African descent, who fell on his head on the outside of the +rebel fort, and to the astonishment of our soldiers was not killed. +As some of the men ran towards the darkey, of course carrying their +arms, he rose to his feet, and shouted, "For de Lord's sake, sogers, +don't shoot dis nigger. I wasn't doin' no fighting; I was only totin' +up grub." When asked how high he had been, he replied, "Two or dree +mile, I reckon;" and on being asked how he came within our lines said, +"Dunno, massa; shell, I spec." + + +A SMART RAILWAY EMPLOYÉ.--167. + +A railroad _employé_, whose home is in Avon, came on Saturday night +to ask for a pass down to visit his family. "You are in employ of +the railroad?" asked the gentleman applied to. "Yes." "You receive +your pay regularly?" "Yes." "Well, now suppose you were working for a +farmer instead of a railroad, would you expect your employer to hitch +up his team every Saturday night, and carry you home?" This seemed a +poser, but it wasn't. "No," said the man, promptly, "I wouldn't expect +that; but if the farmer had his team hitched up, and was going my way, +I should call him a darned mean cuss if he would not let me ride." +Mr. _Employé_ came out three minutes afterwards with a pass good for +twelve months. + + +THE LATE FLOYD.--168. + +A gifted poet has perpetrated the following epitaph on the late +Floyd:-- + + "Floyd has died and few have sobb'd, + Since, had he lived, all had been robb'd; + He's paid Dame Nature's debt, 'tis said-- + The only one he ever paid. + Some doubt that he resign'd his breath; + But vow that he has cheated even death. + If he is buried, oh! then, ye dead beware; + Look to your swaddlings, of your shrouds take care. + Lest Floyd should to your coffins make his way, + And steal the linen from your mould'ring clay." + + +A VEGETABLE HEAD.--169. + +The late Judge Peters has left behind him a host of well-remembered +puns worth relating. When on the District Court Bench, he observed to +Judge Washington that one of the witnesses had a _vegetable_ head. +"How so?" was the inquiry. "He has _carroty_ hair, _reddish_ cheeks, a +_turn-up_ nose, and a _sage_ look." + + +OBJECTING TO MISSIONS.--170. + +A wag was lately asked to contribute to foreign missions. "Not on any +account," said he. "Why not?" asked the collector, "the object is +laudable." "No, it isn't," was the reply; "not half so many people go +to the devil now as ought to." + + +HIS FIRST STEP.--171. + +We extract the following from a popular story. It narrates the early +experience of a bashful boy:--"Well, my sister Lib gave a party one +night, and I stayed away from home because I was too bashful to face +the music. I hung around the house, whistling 'Old Dan Tucker,' +dancing to keep my feet warm, watching heads bobbing up and down +behind the window-curtains, and wishing the thundering party would +break up so I could get to my room. I smoked up a bunch of cigars, and +as it was getting late and mighty uncomfortable, I concluded to climb +up the door-post. No sooner said than done, and I found myself snug +in bed. 'Now,' says I, 'let her rip! Dance till your wind is out!' +And, cuddled under the quilts, Morpheus grabbed me. I was dreaming +of soft-shelled crabs and stewed tripe, and having a good time, when +somebody knocked at my room-door and woke me up. 'Rap,' again. I laid +low. 'Rap, rap, rap!' Then I heard a whispering, and I knew there was +a whole raft of girls outside. 'Rap, rap!' Then Lib sings out, 'Jack, +are you in there?' 'Yes,' says I; and then came a roar of laughter. +'Let us in,' says she. 'I won't,' says I. Then came another laugh. By +thunder, I began to get riled! 'Get out, you petticoated scarecrows!' +I cried; 'can't you get a beau without hauling a fellow out of bed? I +won't go home with you--I won't--so you may clear out!' And sending a +boot at the door, I felt better. But presently--O mortal buttons!--I +heard a still small voice, very like sister Lib's, and it said, 'Jack, +you'll have to get up, for all the girls' things are in there!' Oh +dear, what a pickle! Think of me in bed, all covered with shawls, +muffs, bonnets, and cloaks, and twenty girls outside waiting to get +in. As it was, I rolled out among the ribbons in a hurry. Smash went +the millinery in every direction. I had to dress in the dark, and the +way I fumbled about was death on straw hats. The critical moment at +last came. I opened the door, and found myself right among the women! +'Oh, my Leghorn!' cries one. 'My dear winter velvet!' cries another. +And they pinched in--they piled me this way and that--boxed my ears; +and one little bright-eyed piece--Sal ----, her name was--put her +arms right round my neck and kissed me right on my lips! Human nature +couldn't stand that, and I gave her as good as she sent. It was the +first time I had ever got a taste, and it was powerful good. I believe +I could have kissed that gal from Julius Cæsar to the Fourth of July. +'Jack,' said she, 'we are sorry to disturb you, but won't you see me +home?' 'Yes,' says I, 'I will.' I did do it, and had another smack at +the gate, too. After that we took a kinder turtle-doving after each +other, both of us sighing like a barrel of new cider when we were away +from each other." + + +HIS WIFE'S COUSIN.--172. + +A country gentleman lately arrived at Boston, and immediately repaired +to the house of a relative, a lady who had married a merchant. The +parties were glad to see him, and invited him to make their house his +home, as he declared his intention of remaining in the city only a +day or two. The husband of the lady, anxious to show his attention +to a relative and friend of his wife, took the gentleman's horse +to a livery stable in Hanover Street. Finally his visit became a +visitation, and the merchant found, after the lapse of eleven days, +besides lodging and boarding the gentleman, a pretty considerable +bill had run up at the livery stable. Accordingly he went to the man +who kept the livery stable, and told him when the gentleman took his +horse he would pay the bill. "Very well," said the stable-keeper, "I +understand you." Accordingly, in a short time the country gentleman +went to the stable and ordered his horse to be got ready. The bill, of +course, was presented to him. "Oh," said the gentleman, "Mr. ----, my +relative, will pay this." "Very good," said the stable-keeper, "please +get an order from Mr. ----; it will be the same as money." The horse +was put up again, and down went the country gentleman to Long Wharf, +which the merchant kept. "Well," said he, "I am going now." "Are you?" +said the gentleman. "Well, good-bye, sir." "Well, about my horse; the +man said the bill must be paid for his keeping." "Well, I suppose that +is all right, sir." "Yes--well, but you know I'm your wife's cousin." +"Yes," said the merchant, "I know you are, but your horse is not." + + +YANKEE TOASTS.--173. + +The following toasts were given at a recent dinner of New Jersey +Democrats:--"Blessed are the peacemakers." "The last man and the last +dollar--May the one be an Abolitionist, and the other a shin-plaster, +and may they both perish in the last ditch together." "State +rights--May they not be forgotten in delirious and bloody triumph +of State wrongs." "Things we remember--Habeas corpus and trial by +jury." "To the first Governor who shall have the virtue and courage +to keep his oath of office, and defend the constitution, laws, and +sovereignty of his State, and the rights of its citizens." "The light +of other days, when Liberty wore a white face, and America was not a +negro." "The Democratic party, as it was, before cowardice, treachery, +shoddy, and greenbacks had demoralized its councils." "The abolition +war for disunion--Let those who think it is right go to it, and those +who think it is wrong stay at home." "May those who say we shall +never have the Union as it was follow the example of their brother +traitor, Judas Iscariot, who died and went to his own place." "The +war Democrat--A white man's face on the body of a negro." "The only +possible remedy for secession and the only hope of the Union--Peace, +mutual concession, and compromise." + + +A BIG PUFF.--174. + +A model certificate is the following:--"Dear doctor,--I will be one +hundred and seventy-five years old next October. For over eighty-four +years I have been an invalid, unable to step except when moved by a +lever. But a year ago I heard of the Granicular Syrup. I bought a +bottle, smelt the cork, and found myself a man. I can now run twelve +miles and a half an hour, and throw nineteen summersaults without +stopping." + + +VERY ODD THAT.--175. + +A conversation took place during dinner at head-quarters at ----. A +number of officers being present, the conversation turned upon the +condition and efficiency of their different regiments. Colonel ----, of +the New York ----, stated that nine different nations were represented +in his regiment; and, after going over Irish, German, French, English, +&c., several times, could enumerate but eight. He said he was certain +there were nine, but what the ninth was he could not remember. +Lieutenant ----, who was present, suggested "Americans." "By Jove!" +says the colonel, "that's it--Americans." + + +HOW ALE STRENGTHENED HIM.--176. + +A student of an American State College had a barrel of ale deposited +in his room--contrary, of course, to the rule and usage. He received a +summons to appear before the president, who said: "Sir, I am informed +that you have a barrel of ale in your room." "Yes, sir." "Well, +what explanation can you make?" "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician +advises me to try a little each day as a tonic; and, not wishing to +stop at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded +to have a barrel taken to my room." "Indeed! and have you derived any +benefit from the use of it?" "Ah! yes, sir. When the barrel was first +taken to my room I could scarcely lift it; now I can carry it with the +greatest ease." + + +LUMINOUS EVIDENCE.--177. + +"Johnson, you say Snow was de man dat robbed you?" "Yes." "Was it +moonlight when it took place?" "No, siree." "Was it starlight?" "I, +golly! no; it was so dark you couldn't see your hand afore your face." +"Well, was there any light shining from any house near by?" "Why, +no; there wasn't a house within a mile of us." "Well, then, if there +was no moon, no starlight, no light from any house, and so dark you +couldn't even see your hand before your face, how are you so positive +that Mr. Snow was the man, and how did you see him?" "Why, Cuff, you +see, when the nigger struck me, de fire flew out ob my eyes so bright, +that you might see to pick up a pin." + + +SCIPIO'S WIFE.--178. + +Who was Scipio's wife? Missis-sippi-o, of course. + + +THE DYING SOLDIER AND HIS MOTHER.--179. + +In one of the fierce engagements with the rebels near Mechanicsville, +in May last, a young lieutenant of a Rhode Island battery had his +right foot so shattered by a fragment of a shell that on reaching +Washington he was obliged to undergo amputation of the leg. He +telegraphed home, hundreds of miles away, that all was going well, and +with a soldier's fortitude composed himself to bear his sufferings +alone. Unknown to him, however, his mother, one of those dear reserves +of the army, hastened up to join the main force. She reached the city +at midnight, and the nurses would have kept her from him until the +morning. One sat by his side fanning him as he slept, her hand on the +feeble fluctuating pulsations which foreboded sad results. But what +woman's heart could resist the pleadings of a mother then? In the +darkness she was finally allowed to glide in and take the place at his +side. She touched his pulse as the nurse had done, not a word had been +spoken, but the sleeping boy opened his eyes and said, "That feels +like my mother's hand; who is this beside me? It is my mother; turn up +the gas and let me see mother!" The two dear faces met in one long, +joyful, sobbing embrace, and the fondness pent up in each heart sobbed +and panted and wept forth its expression. + + +CANINE RESEMBLANCE.--180. + +A Boston paper says their townsman, Abel Sniggs, has a dog so closely +resembling one belonging to Tom Clegg, that it often happens that +Clegg's dog takes himself into Sniggs's house, and does not discover +his mistake until informed by the _cat_. + + +MARRIAGE AND SINGLE BLESSEDNESS.--181. + +We subjoin a curious specimen of verse, which is both ingenious +and witty, and admits of being read in two ways. To suit the taste +and inclinations of the married, or those who propose marriage, we +transcribe it as follows; but to convey a directly opposite sentiment, +for the benefit of the singly blessed, it will be necessary to +alternate the lines, reading the first and third, then the second and +fourth:-- + + "That man must lead a happy life + Who is directed by a wife; + Who's freed from matrimonial claims + Is sure to suffer for his pains. + + "Adam could find no solid peace + Till he beheld a woman's face; + When Eve was given him for a mate, + Adam was in a happy state. + + "In all the female race appear + Truth, darling of a heart sincere, + Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride, + In woman never did reside. + + "What tongue is able to unfold + The worth in woman we behold? + The failings that in woman dwell + Are almost imperceptible. + + "Confusion take the men, I say, + Who no regard to women pay. + Who make the women their delight + Keep always reason in their sight." + + +A "FOREST-BORN" ORATOR.--182. + +Rev. G. D. ----, of Fayetteville, Ark., one of the genuine +"forest-born" orators, preaching not long since on "the glory of the +saints," delivered the following burst of native eloquence, which is +too good to be lost:--"Who, my bretherin, can describe the glory of +the saints? Why, nothing on earth can liken it. Ef you drill a hole in +the sun and put it on your head for a crown, and split the moon, and +put it on your shoulders for epaulettes--if you tear down the starry +curtain of the skies and wrap it round your body for a robe, and ride +to Heaven on the lightning wings of the tempest--this will be as +nothing compared to the glory of the saints." + + +HEN PERSUADERS.--183. + +The _Springfield Republican_ speaks of a new invention for a hen's +nest, whereby the eggs drop through a trap-door, and so deceives the +hen that she keeps on laying until she has laid herself all away. + +POPPING THE QUESTION.--184. + +One evening as I was a-sittin' by my Hetty, and had worked myself +up to the stickin' pint, sez I, "Hetty, if a fellar was to ask you +to marry him, what wud you say?" Then she laughed, and sez she, +"That would depend on who asked me." Then sez I, "Suppose it was Ned +Willis?" Sez she, "I'd tell Ned Willis, but not you." That kinder +staggered me; but I was too cute to lose the opportunity, and so sez +I again, "Suppose it was me?" And then you orter see her pout up her +lip, and says she, "I don't take no supposes." Wall, now, you see +there was nothin' for me to do but touch the gun off. So bang it went. +Sez I, "Wall, Hetty, it's me; won't you say yes?" And then there was +such a hulloballoo in my head, I don't know exactly what tuk place, +but I thought I heerd a 'yes' whisperin' somewhere out of the skirmish. + + +NEGRO SERMON.--185. + +"There are," said a sable orator, addressing his brethren, "two +roads tro dis world--the one am broad and narrow road, that leads +to perdition; and the oder a narrow and a broad road, that leads to +destruction." "What i' dat?" said one hearer. "Say it again." "I say, +my brethren, there are two roads tro dis world--the one am a broad +and narrow road, that leads to perdition; the oder a narrow and broad +road, that leads to destruction." "If dat am the case," said his sable +questioner, "dis elluded individual takes to de woods." + + +GRANDPA'S SPECTACLES.--186. + +"There now," cried a little girl, while rummaging a drawer in a +bureau; "there now, grandpa has gone to Heaven without his spectacles. +What will he do?" And shortly afterward, when another aged relative +was supposed to be sick unto death in the house, she came running to +his bedside, with the glasses in her hand, and an errand on her lips: +"You goin' to die?" "They tell me so." "Goin' to Heaven?" "I hope so." +"Well, here are grandpa's spectacles--won't you take them to him?" + + +TREMENDOUS GALE.--187. + +We like to hear people tell good stories while they are about it. +Read the following from a Western paper:--"In the late gale, birds +were seen hopping about with all their feathers blown off." We have +heard of gales at sea where it required four men to hold the captain's +whiskers on! + + +A WITTY SENTINEL.--188. + +A lieutenant of the 10th United States Infantry recently met with a +sad rebuff at Fort Kearney. The lieutenant was promenading in full +uniform one day, and approached a volunteer on sentry, who challenged +him with "Halt! who comes there?" The lieutenant, with contempt in +every lineament of his face, expressed his feeling with an indignant +"Ass!" The sentry's reply, apt and quick, came: "Advance, Ass, and +give the countersign." + + +A CAUTIOUS WITNESS.--189. + +A witness in a certain court, not a thousand miles from Rappahannock, +on being interrogated as to whether the defendant in a certain case +was drunk, replied: "Well, I can't say that I have seen him drunk +exactly, but I once saw him sitting in the middle of the floor, making +grabs in the air, and saying that he'd be dogoned if he don't catch +the bed the next time it ran around him!" This story reminds us of a +cautious witness in an assault case in Baltimore, who testified that +he did not see the prisoner strike the man, but he saw him take away +his hand very quick, and the man fell! + + +A POETICAL EDITOR.--190. + +The editor of an American paper has taken to writing poetry, as the +following will show:--"Brethren,--Is there a man with soul so dead, +who never to himself hath said: I will my country paper take, both for +mine own and family's sake? If such there be, let him repent, and have +the paper to him sent; and, if he'd pass a happy winter, he in advance +should pay the printer." + + +NO PATIENTS LIVING.--191. + +A jolly fellow had an office next door to a doctor's shop. One day a +gentleman of the old fogey school blundered into the wrong shop. "Is +the doctor in?" "Don't live here," said the lawyer, who was in full +scribble over some old documents. "Oh! I thought this was his office?" +"Next door." "Pray, sir, can you tell me if he has many patients?" +"Not living." The old gentleman told the story in the vicinity, and +the doctor threatened the lawyer with a libel suit. + + +CRIMINAL DIDN'T SEE IT.--192. + +A criminal being asked, in the usual form, why judgment of death +should not be passed against him, answered: "Why, I think there has +been quite enough said about it already. If you please, we'll drop the +subject." + + +A RETURNED SOLDIER'S LETTER TO HIS NURSE.--193. + +"Dear Miss T----, I set down to tell you that I've arove hum, an wish +I was sum whar else. I've got 3 bully boys an they are helpin me about +getting the garden sass into the groun but they haint got no mother an +I've a house and a kow and I thort youd be kinder handy to take care +of um if youd stoop so much. Ive thort of you ever sense I com from +the hospittle and how kinder jimmy you used to walk up an down them +wards. You had the best gate I ever see an my 1st wife stepped off jes +so an she paid her way I tell you. I like to work and the boys likes +to work an I kno you do an so Ide like to jine if youv no objections +an now Ive made so bold to rite sich but I was kinder pushed on by my +feelins an so I hope youl excuse it an rite soon. I shant be mad If +you say no but its no harm to ask an as I sa I cant help ritin an the +boys names are Zeberlon Shadrac an peter they want to see you as dos +your respecful friend which oes his present health to you.--JOSEPH +C----." + + +SUPERFLUOUS TESTIMONIAL.--194. + +Prentice, of the _Louisville Journal_, notices the presentation of a +silver cup to a brother editor thus: "He needs no cup. He can drink +from any vessel that contains liquor, whether the neck of a bottle, +the mouth of a pickle-jar, the spill of a keg, or the bung of a +barrel." + + +HARD UP.--195. + +An officer, arrived at Chattanooga, inquired of a negro where he +could find accommodations for his horse. "Don't know, sah, 'bout de +'commodations. De fence rails is all gone, and dar ain't nothin' for +'em to eat any more, only a few barn-doors, an' we want dem for the +general's horses." + + +PRESIDENTIAL PUNS.--196. + +Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a +"little story," but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the +latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the +varioloid. He had been recently very much worried by people asking +favours. "Well," said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon +him, "I've got something now that I can give to everybody." About +the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in +forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster, +in full major's attire, was one day introduced at a public reception. +"Being here, Mr. Lincoln," said he, "I thought I'd call and pay my +respects." "From the complaints of the soldiers," responded the +President, "I guess that's about all any of you do pay." The President +is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him +who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the +mathematical definition of the straight line--length without breadth. +"Really," said Mr. Lincoln, "I must look up to you; if you ever get in +a deep place you ought to be able to wade out." That reminds us of the +story told of Mr. Lincoln somewhere, when a crowd called him out. He +came out on the balcony with his wife (somewhat below medium height), +and made the following "brief remarks:"--"Here I am, and here is Mrs. +Lincoln. That's the long and short of it." + + +OPENNESS OF COUNTENANCE.--197. + +"Well, how do you like the looks of the varmint?" said a south-wester +to a down-easter, who was gazing with round-eyed wonder, and evidently +for the first time, at a huge alligator, with wide open jaws, on +the muddy banks of the Mississippi. "Wal," replied the Yankee, "he +ain't what yeow call a handsome critter, but he's got a great deal of +openness when he smiles." + + +HOLDING THE STAKES.--198. + +An individual at the races was staggering about the track, with more +liquor than he could carry. "Hallo, what's the matter now?" said a +chap whom the inebriated man had run against. "Why--hic--why, the fact +is--hic--a lot of my friends have been betting liquor on the race +to-day, and they have got me to hold the stakes." + + +THE JUDGE AND HIS COACHMAN.--199. + +One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against +the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial +importance, the President interposed with, "Come, now, Bates, he's not +half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a +good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one +morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad road before me, and I +had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. 'Hello, Lincoln, +are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I'll give you a +seat.' Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. +Presently, the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then +it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was +jerking from side to side in his seat; so, says I, 'Judge, I think +your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.' +'Well, I declare, Lincoln,' said he, 'I should not much wonder if +you are right, for he has nearly upset me half a dozen times since +starting.' So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, 'Why, +you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!' Upon which, pulling up his +horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said: 'By +gorra! that's the first rightful decision you have given for the last +twelvemonth.'" + + +A STAGE-STRUCK HOOSIER.--200. + +An awkward-looking, stage-struck Hoosier went to see one of the +New Orleans theatrical managers, some time since, and solicited an +engagement. "What _rôle_ would you prefer, my friend?" asked the +manager. "Wal, squire," said the would-be Western Roscius, "I ain't +partial to rolls, nohow--corn-dodgers is my favourite." + + +TAKING HIS PATIENT FOR A RIDE.--201. + +Dr. A----, thinking a little exercise and fresh air preferable to +physic, had taken one of his patients to ride, and was seen by Dr. +L----, who addressed Dr. A---- as follows: "Well, doctor, I saw you +taking one of your patients to ride." "Exactly," said Dr. A----. +"Well," said Dr. L----, "a thing I never do is to take my patients +out to ride." "I know it," said Dr. A----; "the undertaker does it for +you." + + +A SOLDIER'S FAREWELL.--202. + +The following, written in pencil, was found on the body of a Union +soldier. It commenced: "I, John Wilheimer, Second New York Cavalry. +I am shot and dying. Whoever finds me, send this to Sarah Wilheimer, +Brooklyn Post-office, New York. She is my sister, and only relative +in the country. Oh! my poor sister, do not break your heart; but I +am shot through the breast and dying, and they have gone and left me +here." * * * What followed in this paragraph is obliterated by blood. +The next sentence reads: "Write to Conrad Vitmare, of our company; +he owes me fifty dollars, which he will pay you. Oh! my dear sister, +farewell!" + + +YANKEE BRASS.--203. + +The editor of the _Brooklyn Eagle_, when arrested for hoaxing the +New York papers by a pretended proclamation of President Lincoln, +addressed the following letter to the _Eagle_ from the walls of +Lafayette:--"Dear _Eagle_,--In the language of the 'magnificent' +Vestiali, 'I am here.' I think I shall stay here, at least till I get +out. Perhaps you are surprised at my sudden departure; so was I. But +I received a pressing invitation from General Dix to come down here, +which I did not feel at liberty to decline, so I didn't. Bob Murray +brought the invitation. Bob Murray is United States marshal, and he +marshalled me the way I should go; so I thought it best to go it. +Bob is a nice man; he has a very taking way with him; but I wouldn't +recommend you to cultivate his acquaintance." + + +NOT TO BE WONDERED AT.--204. + +Not long since, an elderly woman entered a railroad car at one of +the Ohio stations, and disturbed the passengers a good deal with +complaints about a "most dredful rheumatiz" that she was troubled +with. A gentleman present, who had himself been a severe sufferer with +the same complaint, said to her: "Did you ever try electricity, madam? +I tried it, and in the course of a short time it completely cured +me." "Electricity," exclaimed the old lady; "y-e-s, I've tried it to +my satisfaction. _I was struck with lightning_ about a year ago, but +it didn't do me a mossel o' good!" + + +PETE'S EXPECTATIONS.--205. + +Pete, a comical son of the Emerald Isle, who carried wood and water, +built fires, &c., for the "boys" at Hamilton College, is as good a +specimen of the genuine Hibernian as ever toddled into a brogan. +One of the students having occasion to reprove him one morning for +delinquency, asked him where he expected to go when he died. "Expect +to go to the hot place," said Pete, without wincing. "And what do +you expect will be your portion there?" asked the Soph, solemnly. +"Oh!" growled the old fellow, as he brushed his ear lazily with his +coat-tail, "bring wood and water for the boys." + + +LOOKING FOR A SITUATION UNDER GOVERNMENT.--206. + +Petroleum V. Naseby writes that he had an interview with the President +lately, which terminated thus:--"'Is there any little thing I kin +do for you?' sez he. 'Nothin' particklar. I woold accept a small +post-orfis, if sitooatid within ezy range uv a distilry. My politikle +dase is well nigh over. Let me but see the old party wunst moar in the +ascendency; let these old ize wunst moar behold the constitooshun ez +it iz, the Uneyun ez it wuz, and the nigger ware he ought 2 be, and I +will rap the mantel of private life around me, and go in 2 dilirium +tremens happy. I hev no ambishen. I am in the sear and yaller leef. +These whitin' locks, them sunkin' cheeks, warn me that age and whiskey +hev dun their puffek work, and that I shall soon go hents. Linkin, +scorn not my words. I hev sed. Adoo.'" + + +IN BLACK AND WHITE.--207. + +A white man not long since sued a black man in one of the courts of +a Free State, and while the trial was before the judge the litigants +came to an amicable settlement, and so the counsel stated to the +court. "A verbal settlement will not answer," replied the judge; "it +must be in writing." "Here is the agreement in black and white," +responded the counsel, pointing to the parties; "pray what does your +honour want more than this?" + + +A GUARDED ANSWER.--208. + +In one of our courts lately a man who was called upon to appear as +a witness could not be found. On the judge asking where he was, an +elderly gentleman rose up, and with much emphasis said, "Your honour, +he's gone." "Gone! gone!" said the judge, "where is he gone?" "That I +cannot inform you," replied the communicative gentleman, "but he is +dead." This is considered the best guarded answer on record. + + +QUEER QUERIES.--209. + +Is Death's door opened with a skeleton key? Would you say a lady +dressed loud who was covered all over with bugles? Is there any +truth in the report that the Arabs who live in the desert have sandy +hair? In selling a Newfoundland dog do you know whether it is valued +according to what it will fetch or what it will bring? + + +DO YOU SMOKE?--210. + +A sharper, seeing a country gentlemen sitting alone at an inn, and +thinking something might be made out of him, entered, and called for a +paper of tobacco. "Dou you smoke, sir?" asked the sharper. "Yes," said +the gentleman, very gravely; "any one that has a design upon me." + + +A RAT STORY.--211. + +The _Greenfield Gazette_ is responsible for the following rat +story:--"A family in South Deer field, Massachusetts, left some +Indian meal on the bottom of an iron pan in which they had baked a +johnny-cake the night previous, in the buttery, one of the recent cold +nights, which the rats attempted to eat; but the frost on the iron +froze their tongues to the pan so that they could not release them, +and they were caught the next morning." + + +SUBSTITUTING ONE TREAT FOR ANOTHER.--212. + +"Papa," said Mr. Brown's youngest son, the other day, "can't I go to +the circus?" "No, my pet," affectionately replied Mr. B.; "if you +are a good boy, I will take you to see your grandmother's grave this +afternoon." + + +HOTEL RULES AT THE "DIGGINS."--213. + +The proprietor of a Reese River Hotel (according to Hoyle, +who has just returned) has posted up the following "Rules and +Regulations":--Board must be paid in advance; with beans, 15 dols.; +without beans, 12 dols. Salt free. Boarders not permitted to speak +to the cook. No extras allowed. Potatoes for dinner. "Pocketing" at +meals strictly forbidden. Gentlemen are expected to wash out of doors, +and find their own water. No charges for ice. Towel bags at the end +of the house. Extra charges for seats round the stove. Lodgers must +furnish their own straw. Beds on bar-room floor reserved for regular +customers. Persons sleeping in the bar are requested not to take off +their boots. Lodgers inside arise at five a.m.; in the barn at six +o'clock. Each man sweeps up his own bed. No quartz taken at the bar. +No fighting allowed at the table. Any one violating the above rules +will be shot. + + +ODD NAMES.--214. + +What odd names some mortals are blessed with! We heard of a family +in Michigan whose sons were named One Stickney, Two Stickney, Three +Stickney; and whose daughters were named First Stickney, Second +Stickney, and so on. Three elder children of a family in Vermont were +named Joseph, And, Another; and it is supposed that, should they have +any more, they might have named them Also, Moreover, Nevertheless, +and Notwithstanding. Another family actually named their child Finis, +supposing that it was their last; but they afterwards happened to +have a daughter and two sons, whom they called Addenda, Appendix, and +Supplement. A man in Pennsylvania called his second son James Also, +and the third William Likewise. + + +LEGAL ADVICE UNDER SINGULAR CIRCUMSTANCES.--215. + +A client, while bathing in the sea, saw his lawyer rise up, after +a long dive, at his side. "Ho, there Mr. ----, have you taken out a +warrant against Burt?" "He is in quod," replied the agent, and dived +again, showing his heels as a parting view to his client; nor did the +latter hear more of the interview with the shark until he got his +account, containing the entry, "To consultation at sea, anent the +incarceration of Burt, six shillings and eightpence." + + +SHARP CHILD.--216. + +Recently the wife of one of the City fathers of New Bedford presented +her husband with three children at a birth. The delighted father took +his little daughter, four years of age, to see her new relations. She +looked at the diminutive little beings a few moments, when, turning to +her father, she inquired: "Pa, which one are you going to keep?" + + +TAKING THE STARCH OUT.--217. + +"A capital example," writes a reader, "of what is often termed 'taking +the starch out,' happened recently in a country bank in New England. A +pompous, well-dressed individual entered the bank, and, addressing the +teller, who is something of a wag, inquired: 'Is the cashier in?' 'No, +sir,' was the reply. 'Well, I am dealing in pens--supplying the New +England banks pretty largely--and I suppose it will be proper for me +to deal with the cashier.' 'I suppose it will,' said the teller. 'Very +well; I will wait.' The pen-pedlar took a chair, and sat composedly +for a full hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time, he began to +grow uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes, +and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked the +teller how soon the cashier would be in. 'Well, I don't know exactly,' +said the waggish teller, 'but I expect him in about eight weeks. He +has just gone to Lake Superior, and told me he thought he should come +back in that time.' Pedlar thought he would not wait. 'Oh, stay if you +wish,' said the teller, very blandly; 'we have no objection to your +sitting here in the day time, and you can probably find some place +in town where they will be glad to keep you of nights.' The pompous +pedlar disappeared without another word." + + +THE EFFECT OF ELOQUENCE.--218. + +One of the late Governors of South Carolina was a splendid lawyer, and +could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted +for success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He +was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, +eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a +few moments, and proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance +stepped up to the prisoner, and said: "Jem, the danger is passed; +and now, honour bright, didn't you steal that horse?" To which Jem +replied: "Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took the horse; but +since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did." + + +HOTEL ACCOMMODATION IN THE SOUTH.--219. + +There was a traveller once, down South--say in the State of +Georgia--who, halting for the night at an inn, where he was told +that, as there were many guests, he must put up with a shakedown, +was conducted after supper to an outhouse full of cows and pigs. +"Where am I to sleep?" cried the despairing wayfarer. "Spect 'yiccan +please yisself, mas'r," answered with a grin the negro who acted as +chamberlain; "but," he continued, pointing to a corner of the lair, +where there were only two cows and no pigs, "dat's de mose fashionable +part." + + +A PLUMP QUESTION.--220. + +The late gallant General Sumner, about twenty years ago, was captain +of a company of cavalry, and commanded Fort Atkinson, in Iowa. One of +his men, Billy G----, had received an excellent education, was of a +good family, but an unfortunate habit of mixing too much water with +his whisky had so reduced him in circumstances that out of desperation +he enlisted. Captain Sumner soon discovered his qualifications, and +as he was a good accountant and excellent penman, he made him his +confidential clerk. At times the old habit would overcome Billy's good +resolutions, and a spree would be the result. Captain Sumner, though a +rigid disciplinarian, disliked to punish him severely, and privately +gave him much good advice (after a good sobering in the guard-house), +receiving in return many thanks and promises of amendment; but his +sprees became more and more frequent. One day, after Billy had been on +a bender, the captain determined on giving him a severe reprimand, and +ordered Billy into his presence before he was fully sober. Billy came +with his eyes all blood-shot and head hanging down, when the captain +accosted him with: "So, sir, you have been drunk again, and I have +to say that this conduct must cease. You are a man of good family, +good education, ordinarily a good soldier, neat, cleanly, and genteel +in appearance, of good address, and a valuable man; yet you will get +drunk. Now I shall tell you, once for all that----" Here Billy's eyes +sparkled, and he interrupted his superior with: "Beg pardon, captain, +did you say that--hic--I was a man of good birth and education?" "Yes, +I did." "And that I was a good soldier?" "Certainly." "That usually +I--I--am neat and genteel?" "Yes, Billy." "And that I am a valuable +man?" "Yes; but you will get drunk." Billy drew himself up with great +dignity, and throwing himself on his reserved rights, indignantly +exclaimed: "Well now, Captain Sumner, do you really think Uncle Sam +expects--to--to--to get all the _cardinal virtues for twelve dollars a +month_?" + + +THE CORDS OF HYMEN.--221. + +A poetical feminine, who found the cords of Hymen not so silky as she +expected, gives vent to feelings in the following regretful stanzas. +The penultimate line is peculiarly comprehensive and expansive:-- + + "When I was young I used to earn + My living without trouble; + Had clothes and pocket-money too, + And hours of pleasure double. + + "I never dream'd of such a fate, + When I A-LASS was courted-- + + Wife, mother, nurse, seamstress, cook, housekeeper, + chambermaid, laundress, dairy-woman, and scrub generally, + doing the work of six, + + For the sake of being supported." + + +CURE FOR FAINTING.--222. + +A New York man, who had not been out of the city for years, fainted +away in the pure air of the country. He was only resuscitated by +putting a dead fish to his nose, when he slowly revived, exclaiming, +"That's good--it smells like home!" + + +A CHEAP TREAT.--223. + +A hard-shell preacher, in discoursing about Daniel in the lion's +den, said: "And there he sat all night long, looking at the show for +nothing, and it didn't cost him a cent." + + +JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.--224. + +I kum to the conclusion lately that life was so onsartin, that the +only way for me to stand a fair chance with other folks was to get my +life insured, and so I called on the agent of the Garden Angel Life +Insurance Company, and answered the following questions, which were +put to me over the top of a pair of specks by a slick little fat old +feller, with a round gray head on him as any man ever owned:--1. Are +you mail or femail? if so, state how long you have been so. 2. Had +you a father or mother? if so, which? 3. Are you subject to fits? and +if so, du yu have more than one at a time? 4. What iz your precise +fiting wate? 5. Did you ever have any ancestors? and if so, how much? +6. What is your legal opinion of the constitushunality of the ten +commandments? 7. Du yu have any night-mare? 8. Are yu married or +single, or are yu a bachelor? 9. Du yu believe in a future stait? if +yu du, stait it. 10. What are your private sentiments about a rush of +rats to the hed? can it be did successfully? 11. Hav yu ever committed +suicide? and if so, how did it affect yu? After answering the above +questions, like a man in a confirmatiff, the slick little fat old +feller with gold specks on sed I was insured for life, and probably +would remain so for some years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my +most pensive smiles. + + +SHORT AND EXPRESSIVE.--225. + +Some years since there was a great gathering of people at Augusta, +Maine, to take into consideration the subject of building a dam across +the Kennebec River at that point. The meeting was followed by a dinner +at the Mansion House, and the Liquor Law being a thing not yet thought +of, the bottle circulated freely, and many of the guests were getting +"jolly mellow," when Frank ----, a wag of an editor, was called on +for a toast. Frank immediately staggered to his feet, and grasping +the back of his chair with one hand, and holding aloft with the +other a tumbler of "Old Jamaica," responded somewhat emphatically: +"Gentlemen, d--n the Kennebec!--and improve its navigation," and sat +down amid a roar of applause. The dam was built. + + +DOW, JUNIOR.--226. + +It was Dow, jun.--sacred to his memory--who said that "Life is a +country dance: down outside and back; tread on the corns of your +neighbour; poke your nose everywhere; all hands around; right and +left. Bob your cocoanut--the figure is ended. Time hangs up the +fiddle, and death puts out the lights." + + +A PROMPT REPLY.--227. + +A little boy, some six years old, was using his slate and pencil on +the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered, and said: +"My son, I prefer that you should not use your slate on the Lord's +Day." "I'm making meeting-houses, father," was the prompt reply. + + +INTERRUPTING THE SERMON.--228. + +An amusing incident says the _Selinsgrove_ (Pa.) _Post_, occurred in +one of our churches on Sunday, which caused considerable tittering +throughout the congregation. While the minister was in the midst of +his sermon, a little boy about ten years of age quietly left his +seat, took his hat, walked up to the pulpit and asked permission of +the minister to leave the church, saying that he forgot to feed the +pig. The request was granted and the boy left; but returned in a few +minutes, no doubt greatly relieved. It embarrassed the minister for +some minutes afterwards. + + +HOW SAM WAS CAUGHT.--229. + +An old lady who was making some jam was called upon by a neighbour. +"Sam, you rascal," she said, "you'll be eating my jam when I'm away." +Sam protested he'd die first; but the whites of his eyes rolled +hungrily towards the bubbling crimson. "See here, Sam," said the +old lady, taking up a piece of chalk, "I'll chak your lips, and on +my return I'll know if you've eaten any." So saying, she passed her +forefinger over the thick lip of the darkey, holding the chalk in the +palm of her hand, and not letting it touch him. When she came back, +she did not need to ask any question, for Sam's lips were chalked a +quarter of an inch thick. + + +FANCY HER FEELINGS.--230. + +Not far from Central New Jersey lived two young lawyers, Archy Brown +and Thomas Jones. Both were fond of dropping into Mr. Smith's parlour +and spending an hour or two with his only daughter, Mary. One evening, +when Brown and Mary had discussed almost every topic, Brown suddenly, +in his sweetest tones, struck out as follows:--"Do you think, Mary, +you could leave father and mother, this pleasant home, with all its +ease and comforts, and go to the far West with a young lawyer, who had +but little besides his profession to depend upon, and with him search +out a new home, which it should be your joint duty to beautify, and +make delightful and happy like this?" Dropping her head softly on his +shoulders, she whispered, "I think I could, Archy." "Well," said he, +"there's Tom Jones, who's going West, and wants to get a wife; I'll +mention it to him." + + +ABSENCE OF MIND.--231. + +The _Lowell Journal_ gives an account of a rich scene that occurred +in one of the Lowell hotels recently. A lodger, who had been on a +spree the previous evening, arose in the morning and rang the bell +violently. Boots appeared. "Where are my pants? I locked my door +last night, and somebody has stolen them?" Boots was green, and a +little terrified. He left, however, struck with a sudden thought, and +returned with the identical pants. The landlord was called to receive +complaints against Boots; but he made it evident that the man had put +out his pantaloons to be blacked instead of his boots. The lodger left +in the first train. + + +KEEN AND SIGNIFICANT.--232. + +When the editor of the _Bulletin_ said, "We are under conviction +that," &c., the editor of the _Sunday Mercury_ retorted: "This is +not the first time that the editor of the _Bulletin_ has been _under +conviction_!" + + +A LEGAL TOAST.--233. + +At a recent railroad dinner, in compliment to the legal fraternity, +the toast was given:--"An honest lawyer, the noblest work of God;" but +an old farmer in the back part of the hall rather spoiled the effect +by adding, in a loud voice, "And about the scarcest." + + +RATHER 'CUTE.--234. + +A Western editor was recently requested to send his paper to a distant +patron, provided he would take his pay in "trade." At the end of the +year he found that his new subscriber was a coffin maker. + + +NOVEL HINT FROM THE PULPIT.--235. + +The _Seneca Advertiser_ tells the following:--The pastor of a certain +church not a thousand miles from this place a few Sabbaths ago, +when about to baptize a child, reproved the flock in the following +fashion:--"My dear people, I fear that you are neglecting parental +duties, as this is only the second child presented for baptism during +my pastoral connection with this church." (Sensation among the +crinoline.) + + +TIRED OF HIS BOARDING-HOUSE.--236. + +A prisoner of war advertises from Johnson's Island, in a New York +journal, for a substitute to take his place in the military prison +there:--"Wanted.--A substitute to stay here in my place. He must be +30 years old; have a good moral character; A 1 digestive powers, and +not addicted to writing poetry. To such a one all the advantages of +a strict retirement, army rations, and unmitigated watchfulness to +prevent them from getting lost, are offered for an indefinite period. +Address me at Block 1, Room 12, Johnson's Island Military Prison, at +any time for the next three years, enclosing half a dozen postage +stamps.--ASA HARTZ." + + +THE AMERICAN PLATFORMS.--237. + +The _Croydon Democrat_ publishes the following platform arranged to +suit all parties. The first column is the Secession platform, the +second is the Abolition platform; and the whole read together is +the Democratic platform. The platform is like the Union--as a whole +it is Democratic, but divided, one half is Secession, and the other +Abolition:-- + + Hurrah for The old Union + Secession Is a curse + We fight for The constitution + The Confederacy Is a league with hell + We love Free speech + The rebellion Is treason + We glory in A free press + Separation Will not be tolerated + We fight not for The negroes' freedom + Reconstruction Must be obtained + We must succeed At every hazard + The Union We love + We love not The negro + We never said Let the Union slide + We want The Union as it was +Foreign intervention Is played out + We cherish The old flag + The stars and bars Is a flaunting lie + We venerate The _habeas corpus_ + Southern chivalry Is hateful + Death to Jeff. Davis + Abe Lincoln Isn't the Government + Down with Mob law + Law and order Shall triumph. + +ALL HUMAN.--238. + +A Vermont farmer sent to an orphan asylum for a boy that was smart, +active, tractable, prompt, and industrious, clean, pious, intelligent, +good looking, reserved, and modest. The superintendent replied that +their boys were all human, though they were orphans, and referred him +to the New Jerusalem if he wanted to get the order filled. + + +CONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS.--239. + +A negro about dying, was told by his minister that he must forgive +a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain very bitter +feelings. "Yes sah," he replied, "if I dies I forgive dat nigga; but +if I gets well, dat nigga must take care." + + +ILLEGIBLE MANUSCRIPTS.--240. + +What guessers printers must be! A New York editor, in descanting upon +the guess-at-half-of-it style of writing in which many articles are +sent to be printed, gives the following amusing specimen. A piece of +poetry before him, written in what, at a reasonable glance, seemed to +be intelligible, when examined a little closer appeared to present the +following:-- + + Alone toss'd rolls a tear by Moses, + A many things we mourn by day; + Tom and the shouting Indian chorus, + And seethe their lambs at play. + +Knowing, however, that his correspondent was not a fool, he more +carefully examined it, and he guesses that the following version is +nearer the author's intentions:-- + + I love to stroll at early morn + Among the new-mown hay, + To mark the sprouting Indian corn, + And see the lambs at play. + + +A CLOSE WITNESS.--241. + +During a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the +monotony of the proceedings:--Among the witnesses was one as verdant +a specimen of humanity as one would wish to meet with. After a +severe cross-examination the counsel for the Government paused, and +then putting on a look of severity and ominous shake of the head, +exclaimed, "Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to +tell a different story?" "A different story from what I have told, +sir?" "That is what I mean." "Yes, sir; several persons have tried +to get me to tell a different story from what I have told, but they +couldn't." "Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who these persons +are." "Wall, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them." The +witness was dismissed, while judge, jury, and spectators indulged in a +hearty laugh. + + +A SATISFACTORY REASON.--242. + +A few days ago an Englishman came into a grocery to make a few +purchases, but was not suited with prices, so he broke out with, "What +a bloody country! I could get more for twopence at home than I can +'ere for 'arf a crown." "Why the devil didn't you stay at 'ome?" said +the angry groceryman. "I'll tell you," replied John Bull; "I couldn't +get the twopence." + + +THE OLD KING'S ARM.--243. + +The old king's arm had a barrel as long as a rail, requiring some +little time for a musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in +speaking of its peculiarities, said: "I once aimed at a robin, snapped +the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle, saw the charge +coming out, raised the gun again, took aim, and killed the bird." + + +REASONS FOR NOT JOINING THE CHURCH.--244. + +Two lawyers in Lowell were returning from court, when the one said +to the other: "I've a notion to join Rev. Mr. ----'s church; been +debating the matter for some time. What do you think of it?" "Wouldn't +do it," said the other. "Well, why?" "Because it could do you no +possible good, while it would be a great injury to the church." + + +IRISH EXHORTATION.--245. + +An Irishman in Pittsburgh, who was exhorting the people against +profane swearing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that +town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people +around here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk, +may be seen runing about the streets cursing and swearing!" + + +IN LOVE WITH THE DEVIL.--246. + +A Country exchange says:--As our "Devil" was going home with his +sweetheart, a few evening since, she said to him, "Dick, I fear I +shall never get to Heaven." "Why?" asked the knight of the ink-keg. +"Because," said she, with a melting look, "I love the _Devil_ so well!" + + +HOW MR. LINCOLN SHAKES HANDS.--247. + +The correspondent of the _New York World_, in an account of Mr. +Lincoln's late visit to Philadelphia, writes:--"Mr. Lincoln passed +some time in shaking hands. This salutation is with him a peculiarity. +It is not the pump-handle 'shake,' nor a twist, nor a spasmodic motion +from side to side, nor yet a reach towards the knee and a squeeze +at arm's length. When Mr. Lincoln performs this rite, it becomes a +solemnity. A ghastly smile overspreads his peculiar countenance; then, +after an instant's pause, he suddenly thrusts his 'flapper' at you, +as a sword is thrust in tierce; you feel your hand enveloped as in a +fleshy vice, a cold clamminess overspreads your unfortunate digits, a +corkscrew burrows its way from your finger nails to your shoulder, the +smile disappears, and you know that you are unshackled. You carefully +count your fingers to see that none of them are missing, or that they +have not become assimilated in a common mass." + + +HARD SCRABBLE.--248. + +A farmer who lives on a certain hill, called "Hard Scrabble," in +Central New York, says that last summer, owing to the drought and poor +land together, the grass was so short they had to lather it before +they could mow it! + + +I WOULD IF I COULD.--249. + +A young lady was told by a married lady that she had better +precipitate herself off the Niagara Falls into the basin beneath than +marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I could find a +husband at the bottom." + + +A SOLEMN HOUR.--250. + +An old "revolutioner" says of all the solemn hours he ever saw, that +occupied in going home one dark night from the Widow Bean's, after +being told by her daughter Sally that he "needn't come again," was the +most solemn. + + +PROVERBS.--PRESERVED BY JOSHUA BILLINGS, ESQ.--251. + +Don't swop with your relashuns unless you kin afford to give them +the big end of the trade. Marry young, and, if circumstances require +it, often. If you can't git good cloathes and edication too, git the +cloathes. Say how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind +and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Bee charitable--three +cent. pieces were made on purpose. It costs more to borry than it does +to buy. Ef a man flatters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you +are a fule. Keep both ize open, but don't see morn harlf you notis. +If you ich for fame, go into a grave-yard and scratch yourself agin a +tume stone. Young man, be more anxus about the pedigre yur going to +leave than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave you. Sin is +like weeds--self-sone and sure to cum. Two lovers, like two armies, +generally git along quietly until they are engaged. + + +BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES.--252. + +Artemus Ward writes that he is tired of answering the questions as to +how many wives Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about it +is that he one day used up the multiplication table in counting the +long stockings on a clothes-line in Brigham's back yard, and went off +feeling dizzy. + + +THE OTHER SIDE.--253. + +One story is good until another is told, and the advice to "have +both sides" is old, but always good. The annoyance caused by ladies +in street-cars has been so frequently dwelt on that it has come to +be accepted as a matter of course that the wearers of crinoline +are sinners above all among the occupants of street-cars. But read +the following indictment drawn up against the male persuasion of +street-car society, and see if the account is not about balanced. +What "female nuisance" can surpass, for instance, the man who crosses +his legs, or puts his foot upon his knee, allowing a dirty boot to +wipe itself on good clothes passing him; the man who gets in chewing +the stump of a cigar, and declines to throw it away because he is +not smoking, and consequently stenches the whole conveyance; the man +who sits sideways when the seat is crowded; the man who fidgets in +a crowded seat; the man who, in getting out, lifts his feet so high +as to wipe the knees of every passer-by; the man who enters with a +paint pot; the ever-talkative man, who insists on drawing you into +conversation, and boring you with his ideas political; the man who is +deep in his cups; the ill-natured, ugly-looking man, who frightens all +children in arms; the over-dressed man, who is afraid of being mussed; +the rowdy man, who is spoiling for a fight; the fat man, who occupies +too much room; the lean man, who cuts you with his sharp hones; the +pretty man, who smirks so disgustingly; the man who wants to pick your +pocket; the friendly man, who requests a loan; the man with a writ; +the man that smells of garlic; the man that perfumes with musk; the +vanity man, who displays all the money he has while searching for a +five-cent. postal; the lazy man, who never hurries to get on or off; +the unaccommodating man, who refuses to have his basket placed on the +front platform; the man who treads on your newly-blacked boots; the +man who asks for a chew of tobacco; the profane man; the subscription +man; the insane man, on his way to the insane asylum; the man who asks +you the time of day when you are _minus_ a watch; and the man who +wants to be over-polite to your wife. + + +EDITORS EXCHANGING COMPLIMENTS.--254. + +The _Louisville Journal_--an impudent, one-horse Kentucky concern, +conducted by a walking whisky-bottle--says that one of our +correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches from Sherman's +army. The _Journal_ is unable to pay even wages to its correspondents, +and relies upon us for the news. Our correspondent purchased the maps +and intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters of the +_Journal_, in order to save him from putting an end to his miserable +existence, since he could live no longer on the bottle of Bourbon a +week with which the _Journal_ supplied him. The Western editors are +all whisky-bottles, their reporters are all whisky, and their papers +have all the fumes of that beverage without any of its strength. +So much for the slanders of the _Louisville Journal_.--(_New York +Herald._) From the _Louisville Journal_:--This paragraph is the one to +which, without having seen it, we referred yesterday in our notice of +W. F. G. Shanks, a war correspondent of the _New York Herald_. That +paper says that its correspondent purchased from ours the map and the +intelligence referred to; this is the map and the rebel newspapers +mentioned by us yesterday. This is all a base and unmitigated +falsehood. The map was given to the _Herald's_ correspondent upon a +condition which he scandalously violated, and he feloniously broke +the seals of the papers and stole their contents for the use of his +thieving employers. The employers and the _employé_, instead of +throwing a stone at us, ought to be pecking the article in the State +prison. It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have aught +to gain from a dispute with the _New York Herald_. The editor of +that concern is so low down that fifty millstones around his neck, +waist, arms, and legs, couldn't sink him lower. Notoriously, he has +been oftener kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the United +States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy for horsewhipping or +kicking him has done it. The licence to operate on him in either way, +or both, couldn't have been more perfect if he had worn the word "to +let" in chalk-marks upon his shoulders and coat-tail. When he has +waked up each morning, his reflection has been, "Now, is it to be +a horsewhipping or a kicking to-day?" and occasionally it has been +both, eked out with a smart nose-pulling. In fact, his nose has been +so frequently twisted that it is an entirely one-sided affair, and we +think that in common fairness "the twister" should be sentenced by a +court of justice to "untwist the twist." The editor of the _Herald_ +is said to have a great deal of money, but his kicks far exceed +his coppers. The only time he was ever known to thank God was when +sharp-toed boots and shoes were changed to square-toed. It is said +that by long experience he could always tell, when kicked, whether the +application was made by boots, shoes, brogans, or slippers; at what +particular store the article was bought, what was its cost, what its +quality, and whether it was made of the hide of Durhams, short-horned +Alderneys, Herefords, or Devons. When cattle were killed, it was a +frequent understanding that while the fat was to be tried on the fire +the leather was to be tried on the editor of the _Herald_. He is +regarded as being undoubtedly the best judge of leather in New York; +not that he is a leather-dealer, but that leather-dealers have had so +much to do with him. He has come so often in contact with leather that +the part of him chiefly concerned has itself become leather; so he not +only walks upon leather when he walks, but sits upon leather when he +sits. The editor of the _Herald_ has lived a good deal longer than he +ought to have done, but it is to be hoped that he can't live always. +And if he ever dies, his hide should be tanned to leather--that is, +the small portion of it that hasn't already been--his hair used as +shoemaker's bristles, and his bones made into shoeing-horns. + + +A SLASHING ARTICLE.--255. + +Editors, like other shrewd men, must live with their eyes and ears +open. The following story is told of one who started a paper in a +western town. The town was infested by gamblers, whose presence was a +source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he +did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He +replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough, +his next issue contained the promised "smasher;" and on the following +morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in +his sanctum, when in walked a large man, with a horse-whip in his +hand, who demanded to know if the editor was in. "No, sir," was the +reply, "he has stepped out. Take a seat, and read the papers--he will +return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed +his legs with his whip between them, and commenced reading a paper. +In the meantime the editor quietly vamoosed downstairs, and at the +landing he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who +asked if the editor was in? "Yes, sir," was the quick response, "you +will find him seated upstairs, reading a newspaper." The latter, on +entering the room, with a furious oath, commenced a violent assault +upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was +continued till they had both rolled to the foot of the stairs, and had +pounded each other to their heart's content. + + +A NOVEL VERDICT.--256. + +A coroner's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in the case of a +woman who died suddenly, that "she died from congestion of the brain, +caused by _overtipulation_." + + +AMERICAN NOTION OF VILLANY.--257. + +The man that will take a newspaper for a length of time and then send +it back "refused" and unpaid for, would swallow a blind dog's dinner, +and then stone the dog for being blind. + + +CONFESSION OF A CLERGYMAN.--258. + +A clergyman was lately depicting before a deeply-interested audience +the alarming increase of intemperance, when he astonished his hearers +by exclaiming: "A young woman in my neighbourhood died very suddenly +last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of beastly +intoxication!" + + +PERSONAL.--259. + +A contemporary having published a long leader on "hogs," a rival paper +in the same village upbraids him for obtruding his family matters upon +the public. + + +AWKWARD COINCIDENCE.--260. + +An American divine preached one Sunday morning from the text--"Ye +are the children of the devil," and in the afternoon, by a funny +coincidence, from the words, "Children, obey your parents." + + +HOW TO GET A SEAT BY THE FIRE.--261. + +A traveller came into a country hotel in Wisconsin upon a very cold +day, and could get no room near the fire, whereupon he called to the +ostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse. "Will +your horse eat oysters?" replied the ostler. "Try him," said the +gentleman. The loafing guests running immediately to see this wonder, +the fireside was cleared, and the gentleman had his choice of seats. +The ostler brought back the oysters, and said the horse would not +touch them. "Won't he?" said the stranger. "Why, then, bring them +here; I shall be forced to eat them myself." + + +RIVALLING NATURE.--262. + +Cotton being scarce, a Yankee "patriot" has invented, and is +selling like hot dumplings, india-rubber breastworks for ladies, +as his advertisement says:--"Rivalling nature in grace, shape, and +elasticity!" + + +THE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.--263. + +"Woman is most beautiful when in tears, like a rose wet with +the crystal dew."--_Mobile Examiner._ "We suppose the editor +of the _Examiner_ whips his wife every Sunday to make her look +beautiful."--_Baltimore Sun._ + + +A SENSIBLE WOMAN.--264. + +A lady that would please herself in marrying was warned that her +intended, although a good sort of a man, was very singular. "Well," +replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is much +more likely to be a good husband." + + +ANOTHER DISCOVERY.--265. + +The other day a crowd was assembled around a drunken man lying at full +length in the street. They resorted to every known means to arouse +him; they rubbed his ears, then his hands, and shook him violently, +but all to no avail, for John Whisky had got too strong a hold on him. +Presently, a boy came along who was selling brewers' yeast, which he +carried in a pail. "What's the matter?" queried the hopeful; "can't +you get him up? Well, I can. If this yeast won't raise him, he's a +goner, for it'll raise anything that ever grew." Accordingly, he +poured about half a pint down the man's neck, and, sure enough, to +the surprise of all, it raised him instantly, and he went on his way, +growing taller every minute. + + +UNNECESSARY APPREHENSION.--266. + +A fellow, who was being led to execution, told the officers not to +take him through a certain street, lest a merchant who resided there +should arrest him for an old debt. + + +EITHER WAY WILL DO.--267. + +"Will you have me, Sarah?" said a young man to a modest girl. "No, +John," said she, "but you may have me, if you will." + + +A MOOTED QUESTION.--268. + +It is a mooted question whether St. Paul was ever married. Eusebius +says he was a widower, which would usually imply that he had been. We +opine that he was, from the hearty manner in which he discouraged the +institution. + + +PARTING FRIENDS.--269. + +A clergyman travelling in California encountered a panther, of which +he subsequently wrote as follows: "I looked at him long enough to +note his brown and glossy coat, his big, glaring eyes, his broad and +well-developed muzzle, and his capacious jaws, when both of us left +the spot, and, I am pleased to add, in opposite directions." + + +HOW TO DO BUSINESS.--270. + +It is told of a well-known American map-agent out here, that on a +recent trip in the interior of the island, he was attacked by highway +robbers, who demanded his money. Being more prudent than to carry +money into the country, they failed in making a haul. "But," said our +Yankee, "I have some splendid maps of the island along with me, which +I should like to show you;" and in a twinkling he was off his horse, +and a map stuck up on a pole, and explained it so effectually that he +sold each of the banditti a map, pocketed the money, and resumed his +journey, better off for the encounter. + + +EXEMPT, DECIDEDLY.--271. + +"Ugh! How do you make out that you are exempt, eh?" "I am over age, I +am a negro, a minister, a cripple, a British subject, and a habitual +drunkard." + + +A LONE NIGGER.--272. + +During the last winter a "contraband" came into the Federal lines +in North Carolina, and was marched up to the officer of the day to +give an account of himself, whereupon the following colloquy ensued: +"What's your name?" "My name's Sam." "Sam what?" "No, sah; not Sam +Watt. I'se jist Sam." "What's your other name?" "I hasn't got no +oder name, sah. I'se Sam--dat's all." "What's your master's name?" +"I'se got no massa now. Massa runned away--yah, yah! I'se free nigger +now." "Well, what's your father and mother's name?" "I'se got none, +sah--neber had none. I'se jist Sam--ain't nobody else." "Haven't you +any brothers and sisters?" "No, sah; neber had none. No brudder, no +sister, no fader, no mudder, no massa--nothin' but Sam. When you see +Sam you see all dere is of us." + + +A LIBELLOUS ASSERTION.--273. + +Ask a woman to a tea-party in the Garden of Eden, and she'd be sure to +draw up her eyelids and scream: "I can't go without a new gown." + + +WESTERN NEIGHBOURS.--274. + +"Where is your house?" asked a traveller in the depths of one of the +"old solemn wildernesses" of the great West. "House! I ain't got no +house." "Well, where do you live?" "I live in the woods, sleep on the +great Government purchase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out +of the Mississippi!" And he added--"It's getting too thick with the +folks out here. You're the second man I've seen within the last month, +and I hear there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the +river. I'm going to put out into the woods again." + + +SNUBBING A LAWYER.--275. + +Old Mrs. Lawson was called as a witness. She was sharp and wide awake. +At last the cross-examining lawyer, out of all patience, exclaimed, +"Mrs. Lawson, you have brass enough in your face to make a twelve +quart pail." "Yes," she replied, "and you've got sass enough in your +head to fill it." + + +GETTING DOWN A LADDER.--276. + +"Mass Tom! Oh, Mass Tom! howse I goin ter get down dis ladder?" "Come +down the same way you went up, you blockhead!" replied the master, +running out to see what was the matter. "De same way as I come up, +Mass Tom?" "Yes, confound you, and don't bother me any more!" "Well, +if I must, I must!"--and down came the little darkey head foremost. + + +IRISH NEGRO.--277. + +A negro from Montzerat, or Marigalante, where the Hiberno-Celtic is +spoken by all classes, happened to be on the wharf at Philadelphia +when a number of Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them +with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to assist the family +on shore. The Irishman, in his native tongue, expressed his surprise +at the civility of the negro; who, understanding what had been said, +replied in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was +a _bit of an Irishman himself_. The Irishman, surprised to hear a +black man speak in his _Milesian_ dialect, it entered his mind with +the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he really was an Irishman, +but that the climate had changed his fair complexion. "_If I may be +so bold, sir_," said he, "_may I ask how long you have been in this +country_?" The negro man, who had only come hither on a voyage, said +he had been in Philadelphia only about four months. Poor Patrick +turned round to his wife and children, and looking as if for the last +time on their rosy cheeks, concluding that in four months they must +also change their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers! Biddy, +did you hear that? He is not more than four months in this country, +and he is already almost as black as jet." + + +INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.--278. + +The muscles of the human jaw produce a power equal to one hundred and +twenty-five pounds. If you ever had your fingers in an angry man's +mouth, you will not dispute the veracity of this assertion. + + +SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.--279. + +I suppose the reason whi wimmin are so fast talkers, iz bekauze tha +don't hav tew stop tew spit on their hands. After Joseph's brotheren +had beat him out ov hiz cut ov many cullars, what did tha dew nex? Tha +pittied him! Thare iz nothing in this life that will open the pores +ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv; it makes him as fluent az a +tin whissell, az limber az a boy's watch chain, and az perlite as a +dansing-master; hiz harte iz az full ov sunshine az a hay-field, and +there aint any more guile in him than there iz in a stik ov merlasses +candy. Thare iz a grate number ov ways for folks tew make phools of +themselfs, but thare iz one way so simple, i wonder nobody haz ever +tried it, and that iz tew run after real-estate advertizements. Thare +don't seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare iz one +thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew git tew Heaven, +and that iz tha can't git enny further. He who can hold awl he gits, +kan most generally get more, I serpoze if a commisshun should cum +from Heaven tew gather up awl the intrinsick literature among men, a +common-sized angel kould fly off with the whole ov it under one wing +and not lug him mutch. Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by hiz clothes, +but yu kan bi hiz finger nails. Adam invented "_luv at first sight_," +one of the greatest laber-saving machines the world ever saw. It iz +a grave question, whether, in curtailing superfluitys in these hard +times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the +expense ov boarding it. I hav herd a grate deal ced about "_broken +hartes_," and thare may be a few of them, but mi experiense iz that +nex tew the gizzard, the harte iz the tuffest peace ov meat in the +whole critter. + + +TWO THINGS MADE TO BE LOST.--280. + +A country editor comes to the conclusion that there are two things +that were made to be lost--sinners and umbrellas. + + +REASONS ENOUGH.--281. + +An editor complained that he could not sleep one night, summing up the +causes:--A wailing baby, sixteen months old; a howling dog under the +window; a cat-fight in the alley; a nigger serenade in a shanty over +the way; a toothache; and a pig trying to get in at the back-door. + + +LOW-NECKED FROCKS.--282. + +The Rev. Mr. Sniffkins has recorded in his diary that three +conspicuous low-necked frocks in a congregation will neutralize the +effect of the best discourse that ever was preached. + + +EMERSON AND THEODORE PARKER.--283. + +There is an allegorical story current that once, immediately after +Theodore Parker had parted from Ralph Waldo Emerson on the road to +Boston, a crazy Millerite encountered Parker, and cried: "Sir, do +you not know that the world is coming to an end?" Upon which Parker +replied: "My good man, that doesn't concern me; I live in Boston." +The same fanatic, overtaking Emerson, announced in the same terms the +approach of the end of the world, upon which Emerson replied: "I am +glad of it, sir; man will get along much better without it!" + + +HOW TO GO MAD.--284. + +Be an editor; let the devil be waiting for copy; sit down to write an +article, and get a few sentences done; then let an acquaintance drop +in and begin to tell you stories and gossips of the town; let him +sit, and sit, and sit. This is the quickest way we can think of to go +raving, distracted mad. + + +A WISE JUDGE.--285. + +A Massachusetts judge has decided that a husband may open his wife's +letters, on the ground (so often and so tersely stated by Mr. +Theophilus Parsons, of Cambridge) that "the husband and the wife are +one, and the husband is that one!" + + +SPARING HIS FEELINGS.--286. + +The editor of the _Louisville Journal_, in speaking of an assailant +who had vehemently denied a charge of having been drunk on a certain +occasion, says "that he cannot positively state that the gentleman +in question was drunk, but that he does know that he was seen in the +street at midnight, with his hat off, explaining the principles and +theory of true politeness to the toes of his boots!" + + +OF COURSE NOT.--287. + +The _Grand Rapids Eagle_ man says he wouldn't mind the price of wood +so much, if all his neighbours hadn't taken to the disgusting habit of +locking their wood-house doors at night. + + +A FEMALE ADMIRABLE CRICHTON.--288. + +Mrs. Ripley, of Concord, Mass., is well known to the naturalists on +account of her valuable collection of lichens, and to the Cambridge +professors on account of her success in training young men for the +university. It is said that a learned gentleman once called to see +this lady, and found her hearing at once the lesson of one student in +Sophocles, and that of another in Differential Calculus, at the same +time rocking her grandchild's cradle with one foot, and shelling peas +for dinner. + + +A FLOATING POPULATION.--289. + +"You have considerable floating population in this village, havn't +you?" asked a stranger of one of the citizens of a village on the +Mississippi. "Well, yes, rather," was the reply; "about half the year +the water is up to the second storey windows." + + +DEMOCRATS _versus_ REPUBLICANS.--290. + +A prominent speaker at a Republican gathering in Ohio, said that "he +expected to spend an eternity in company with Republicans," to which a +Democrat replied that he "rather thought he would, _unless he repented +of his sins_." + + +A POOR COUPLE.--291. + +A couple announce in the _New York Post_ their marriage, and add to +the notice--"No cards, nor any money to get them with." + + +AN INDUCEMENT TO YOUNG PEOPLE.--292. + +A minister out West, advertised, in the hope of making young people +come forward, that he would marry them for a glass of whisky, a dozen +eggs, the first kiss of the bride, and a quarter of a pig. + + +AN EDITORIAL HORSE.--293. + +An editor in the far West has bought a racehorse for which he +paid 2000 dollars. On being asked what an editor had to do with a +racehorse, he replied that "he was to be used in catching runaway +subscribers." + + +HIGHLY PROBABLE.--294. + +An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy 48 +years old, and says "this brandy is so old that we very much fear it +cannot live much longer." + + +NOVEL EFFECT OF A SECOND MARRIAGE.--295. + +One of the substitute soldiers who was presented for examination +at Captain Hamlin's office recently was a man who gave his name as +(we will say) Michael Flynn. When he was stripped, upon his arm was +clearly tattooed the name of John Sullivan. "But, I thought, you said +your name was Michael Flynn?" said the doctor. "Yes," stammered the +Hibernian sub, "but I have been married twice." Michael passed. + + +STRIKING DEFINITION OF A COQUETTE.--296. + +A Western genius defines a coquette as a box of snuff, from which +every lover takes a pinch. Her husband, fortunate or unfortunate +wretch, as he may think himself, gets the box--on the ear. + + +QUALIFICATIONS FOR A PARSON.--297. + +It is related of a certain church in New York, whose deacons and +principal men are of the conservative order, that when recently in +want of a pastor, they made application to a divine noted for his +talents and brilliancy of oratory to become their settled minister. +While negotiating the "call" they signified to the divine that they +did not want a man to preach politics or temperance. "What kind of a +preacher do you want?" inquired the minister. To which they replied +that they desired a pastor who was "_rather religiously inclined_." +This reminds us of a popular preacher we used to know down East, one +of whose prominent parishioners considered him the perfection of a +preacher, because "he never meddles with either politics or religion!" + + +EXTRAORDINARY ABSENCE OF MIND.--298. + +The most recent case of absence of mind is that of an editor, who +lately copied from a hostile paper one of his own articles, and headed +it, "Wretched attempt at wit." + + +A JOKE BY JENKINS.--299. + +"A beautiful day, Mr. Jenkins?" "Yes, very pleasant, indeed." "Good +day for the race." "Race, what race?" "The human race." "Oh, go along +with your stupid jokes; get up a good one, like the one with which I +sold Day." "Day, what Day?" "The day we celebrate," said Jenkins, who +went on his way rejoicing. + + +"AND THAT'S A FACT."--300. + +A paper notorious for its veracity says "that a man in New Hampshire +went out gunning one day this spring; he saw a flock of pigeons +sitting on a branch of an old pine, so he dropped a ball into his gun +and fired. The ball split the branch, which closed up, and caught +the toes of all the birds in it. He saw that he had got them all, +and so he fastened two balls together and fired, cut the branch off, +which fell into the river. He then waded in and brought it on shore. +On counting them there were 300 pigeons, and in his boots were two +barrels of shad." + + +A QUESTION FOR ASTRONOMERS.--301. + +A teacher in a western county in Canada, while making his first +visit to his "constituents," came into conversation with an ancient +"Varmount" lady, who had taken up her residence in the "backwoods." +Of course, the school and former teachers came in for criticism; and +the old lady, in speaking of his predecessor, asked: "Wa'll, master, +what do yer think he larnt the schollards?" "Couldn't say, ma'am. +Pray, what did he teach?" "Wa'al, he told 'em that this 'ere airth +was _reound_, and went areound; and all that sort 'o thing. Now, +master, what do _you_ think about sich stuff? Don't you think he was +an ignorant feller?" Unwilling to come under the category of the +ignorami, the teacher evasively remarked: "It really did seem strange; +but still there are many learned men who teach these things." "Wa'al," +says she, "if the airth is reound, and goes reound, what holds it +_up_?" "Oh, these learned men say that it goes around the sun, and +that the sun holds it up by virtue of the law of attraction." The old +lady lowered her "specs," and, by way of climax, responded: "Wa'al, +if these high larn't men sez the sun holds up the airth, _I should +like tu know what holds the airth up when the sun goes down_!" + + +GRIEVING FOR A WIFE.--302. + +A man in New Hampshire had the misfortune recently to lose his wife. +Over the grave he caused a stone to be placed, on which, in the depth +of his grief, he had ordered to be inscribed--"Tears cannot restore +her, therefore I weep." + + +WHAT IRISHMEN DO!--303. + +George Penn Johnson, one of our most eloquent stump speakers, who +loves a good thing too well to let it slip upon any occasion, +addressing a meeting where it was a great point to obtain the Irish +vote, after alluding to the native American party in no flattering +terms, inquired, "Who dig our canals? Irishmen. Who build our +railroads? Irishmen. (Great applause.) Who build all our gaols? +Irishmen. (Still greater applause.) Who fill all our gaols? Irishmen!" +This capping climax, if it did not bring down the house, did the Irish +in a rush for the stand. Johnson did not wait to receive them. + + +SAD SCARCITY OF PAPER.--304. + +Paper is so scarce in the South that the editor of the _Morning +Traitor_ writes his editorials with stolen chalk on the sole of his +boot, and goes barefooted while his boy sets up the manuscript! + + +THE DATE WANTED.--305. + +At a concert recently, at the conclusion of the song, "There's a Good +Time Coming," a country farmer got up and exclaimed, "Say, mister, you +couldn't fix the date, could you?" + + +THE HEIGHT OF MEANNESS.--306. + +The meanest fellow in Onondaga county is a fellow who once had the +plate of his grandmother's coffin made over into a tobacco-box. + + +COLUMBUS'S DISCOVERY.--307. + +A country editor thinks that Columbus is not entitled to much credit +for discovering America, as the country is so large he could not well +have missed it. + + +THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT.--308. + +One of the American papers observes of Mr. Wentworth, a member of +Congress for a district of Illinois, that "he is so tall, that when +he addresses the people, instead of mounting a stump, as is usual in +the West, they have to dig a hole for him to stand in!" Another paper, +which goes the whole ticket against Mr. Wentworth, politely observes +that they "dig a hole for him not because he is tall, but because he +never feels at home except when he is up to his chin in dirt." + + +COOLNESS.--309. + +He would eat oysters while his neighbour's house was in flames--always +provided that his own was insured. Coolness! he's a piece of marble +carved into a broad grin. + + +NAMING CHILDREN IN AMERICA.--310. + +On Long Island, a Mr. Crabb named a child +"Through-much-tribulation-we-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-Heaven +Crabb." The child went by the name of Tribby. Scores of such names +could be cited. In Saybrook, Connecticut, is a family by the name +of Beman, whose children are successively named as follows:--1. +Jonathan Hubbard Lubbard Hunk Dan Dunk Peter Jacobus Lackny Christian +Beman. 2. Prince Fredrick Henry Jacob Zaccheus Christian Beman. 3. +Queen Caroline Sarah Rogers Ruhamah Christian Beman. 4. Charity +Freelove Ruth Grace Mercy Truth Faith and Hope and Peace Pursue +I'll-have-no-more-to-do-for-that-will-go-clear-through-Christian Beman. + + +A POLITE MAN.--311. + +"My deceased uncle," says an American writer, "was the most polite +man in the world. He was making a voyage on the Mississippi and the +boat sank. My uncle was just on the point of drowning. He got his +head above water for once, took off his hat, and said, 'Ladies and +gentlemen, will you please excuse me?' and down he went." + + +FINE WRITING.--312. + +We like fine writing when it is properly applied, so we appreciate +the following burst of eloquence:--"As the ostrich uses both legs and +wings when the American courser bounds in her rear--as the winged +lightnings leap from the heavens when the thunderbolts are loosed--so +does a little boy run when a big dog is after him." + + +"MAILS" AND FEMALES.--313. + +A New England postmaster complains that too much courting goes on in +his office. The females give him more trouble than the "mails." + + +AN UNKIND REMINDER.--314. + +A negro boy was driving a mule, when the animal suddenly stopped short +and refused to move. "Won't go, eh?" said the boy; "feel grand, do +you? I s'pose you forget your fader was a jackass." + + +"CLIMACTERIC SUBLIMITY."--315. + +The following peroration to an eloquent harangue, addressed to +a jury by a lawyer in Ohio, is a rare specimen of climacteric +sublimity:--"And now the shades of night had shrouded the earth +in darkness. All nature lay wrapped in solemn thought, when these +defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the hills, +down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's door, +separated the weeping mother from her crying infant, and took away--my +client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim fifteen +dollars." + + +MORE LAUGHABLE THAN LOGICAL.--316. + +A temperance lecturer, in addressing an audience in Boston, said, +"Parents, you have children, or, if you have not, your daughters may +have." + + +THE LAW OF COMPENSATION.--317. + +Joe being rather remiss in his Sunday-school lesson, the teacher +remarked that he hadn't a very good memory. "No, ma'am," said he, +hesitating, "but I have got a first-rate forgettery!" + + +COULDN'T MAKE AN IMPRESSION.--318. + +A little boy, of four years, who had been lectured by his aunt on the +evil of disobedience to parents, was shown the example of a boy who +disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he +die?" said Bobby, who had given the story due attention. "Yes," was +the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a +moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied his aunt, with due +solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped +profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why +didn't they chuck him in again." + + +THE MINISTER'S RECEPTION.--319. + +A certain lady one day had been much annoyed by the ringing of her +door-bell by the mischievous boys in the vicinity, and determined to +be made no more a fool of by going to the door. In the course of the +forenoon, however, her minister called to see her, dressed in his +nicest manner. He ascended the steps, and gently drew the bell-handle, +when the lady shouted from the entry--"I see you, my boy! if I catch +you I'll wring your neck!" The affrighted gentleman rushed down the +steps through a crowd of young scamps, and was not seen at the lady's +house again. + + +PRINTERS' MISTAKES.--320. + +During the Mexican war, one newspaper hurriedly announced an important +item of news from Mexico, that General Pillow and thirty-seven of his +men had been lost in a _bottle_. Some other paper informed the public +not long ago "that a man in a brown surtout was yesterday brought +before the police court, on a charge of having stolen a small _ox_ +from a lady's workbag. The stolen property was found in his waistcoat +pocket." "A _rat_" says another paper, "descending the river, came +in contact with a steamboat, and so serious was the injury done to +the boat that great exertions were necessary to save it." An English +paper once stated that the Russian General Raekinoffkowsky "was found +dead with a long _word_ in his mouth." It was, perhaps, the same paper +that, in giving a description of a battle between the Poles and the +Russians, said that "the conflict was dreadful, and the enemy was +repulsed with great _laughter_." Again: "A gentleman was yesterday +brought up to answer the charge of having _eaten_ a stage driver for +demanding more than his fare. At the late Fourth of July dinner, in +the town of Charlestown, none of the poultry were eatable except the +_owls_." + + +PLAIN ENOUGH.--321. + +A Western editor, in reply to a contemporary, says to him, "The fact +is as evident as the nose on your face, or the whisky blossoms on the +countenance of your Mayor." + + +ONE OF THE PRESS.--322. + +A very fat man having taken his seat in an omnibus already crowded, to +the great annoyance of the passengers, several, with partial breathing +and muttering lips, inquired who such a lump of flesh as the new comer +could be. "I don't know," said a wag, "but, judging from the effect he +produces, I should suppose him a member of the Press." + + +ANOTHER BURST OF ELOQUENCE.--323. + +In a stump speech somewhere out West--the usual locality--a windy +orator recently got up before an assemblage of his intelligent +countrymen, and said: "Sir, after much reflection, consideration, and +examination, I have calmly, deliberately, and carefully come to the +determined conclusion, that in cities where the population is very +large there are a greater number of men, women, and children, than in +cities where the population is less. And I firmly believe there is not +a man, woman, or child in all this vast assembly that has reached the +age of fifty or upwards but has felt this mighty truth rolling through +his breast for centuries." + + +THE REASON WHY.--324. + +An American wag says that the reason why more marriages take place in +winter than in summer is because the gentlemen require comforters and +the ladies muffs. + + +THE CLERGYMAN AND THE LAWYER.--325. + +The following incident is of recent date, and the witness was a +clergyman. Scene, a crowded court: trial, an action on the warranty of +a horse, commonly called a horse cause. Witness, a clergyman, who was +sworn in his examination-in-chief that in his opinion the horse was +sound.--Counsel: Well, you don't know anything about horses. You're a +parson, you know.--Witness: I have a good deal of knowledge respecting +horses.--Counsel: You think you have, I dare say, but we may think +otherwise. I wonder, now, whether you know the difference between a +horse and a cow.--Witness: Yes, I dare say I do.--Counsel: Now, then, +tell the jury the difference between a horse and a cow.--Witness: +Gentlemen, one great difference between these two animals is, that +the one has horns and the other has not; much the same difference, +gentlemen, that exists between a _bull_ and a _bully_ (turning to +counsel). (Roars of laughter, Judge joining.)--Counsel (very angrily): +I dare say you thought that very funny, sir?--Witness: Well, I don't +think it was bad, and several of the audience seem to be of the same +opinion. + + +EDITORIAL FIX.--326. + +A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for +his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog +the editor if he stopped the paper. + + +A MEAT BABY.--327. + +A wee little girl in Boston besought her mother, when she was +going out shopping the other day, to bring her home a baby. The +indulgent parent selected a pretty doll, and on her return made the +presentation, expecting to see her daughter greatly pleased with it. +But the precious child could hardly keep the tears from her eyes, as +she disappointedly exclaimed, "I don't want that--I want a _meat_ +baby!" + + +THE LAPSE OF AGES.--328. + +An exchange asks, very innocently, if it is any harm for young ladies +to sit in the lapse of ages? Another replies, that it all depends on +the kind of ages selected. Those from eighteen to twenty-five it puts +down as extra hazardous. + + +PERILS OF THE "FOURTH ESTATE."--329. + +It takes three editors to start a paper in New Orleans--one to get +killed in a duel, one to die with the yellow fever, and one to write +an obituary of the defunct two. + + +MODEL ADVERTISEMENTS.--330. + +Model of First-rate Advertisements for a Modern High-Pressure +Sentimental Novel:-- + +Startling, terrific, paralyzing.--_Ditchville Chronicle._ + +We understand that the publishers of this extraordinary work, in +consequence of the immense demand, were obliged to issue three +editions at once, and that the united energies of steam and manual +labour in New York, have in vain been employed to satisfy the +incessant applications for it. On various occasions the police have +been called in to protect the booksellers against the insolence of +disappointed customers, while several suits for libel are pending +against persons who, in a paroxysm of rage, have vented their spleen +on the innocent authoress. The excitement has reached a fearful +pitch, and all business has been brought to a stand by the absorbing +devotion of the public to this great work of genius. In some cases +the engineers on the railroads, in perusing it, have been so lost to +a sense of duty, as to let the fires of their locomotives go out, +and cause the stoppage of trains for hours. Porters may be seen +sitting on their wheelbarrows at every corner enjoying its contents. +Omnibus horses are growing fat from the refusal of drivers to ply the +lash, until they have read it through, line by line, to the fearful +catastrophe of the last page, and even the clamorous voice of the +newsboy is no longer heard, for he sits crouching over its fascinating +pages in his cheerless garret. On the first day of the sale, the +doors of the book-stores were strongly barricaded, extra clerks were +provided, and yet, despite these precautions, fearful riots took place +among the contending crowd, in which, as the historians say, "neither +age, sex, nor condition were respected." The truth is, that if many +more such books are written in the country, there is great danger +that agriculture, commerce, and manufactures will be abandoned, and +we shall become nothing else than a nation of novel readers.--_The +Flambeau of Literature._ + + +NOT PARTICULAR.--331. + +A Western editor says:--"Wood, chips, coke, coal, corn-cobs, +feathers, rosin, sawdust, shavings, splinters, dry leaves, old rags, +fence-rails, barn-doors, flints, or anything that will burn or strike +fire, taken on subscription at this office." + + +TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTISM.--332. + +A Down-Easter thus distinguishes between different sorts of +patriotism:--"Some esteem it sweet to die for one's country; but most +of our patriots hold it sweeter still to live _upon_ one's country." + + +POETICAL PATCHWORK.--333. + + Rock'd in the cradle of the deep, + Old Casper's work was done; + Piping on hollow reeds to his pent sheep, + Charge, Chester, charge! On, Stanley, on! + + There was a sound of revelry by night, + On Linden, when the sun was low; + A voice replied, far up the height, + Tall oaks from little acorns grow. + + What, if a little rain should say, + I have not loved the world, nor the world me! + Ah! well a-day; + Woodman spare that tree! + + My heart leaps up with joy to see + A primrose by the water's brim; + Zaccheus, he did climb that tree; + Few of our youth could cope with him. + + The prayer of Ajax was for light, + The light that never was on sea or shore; + Pudding and beef make Britons fight; + Never more! + + Under a spreading chestnut tree, + For hours the gither, sat + I and my Annabel Lee; + A man's a man for a' that. + + Truth crush'd to earth shall rise again, + And waste its sweetness on the desert air; + In thunder, lightning, or in rain, + None but the brave deserve the fair. + + Tell me not in mournful numbers, + The child is father of the man; + Hush, my dear, lie still in slumber. + They can conquer who believe they can. + + A change came o'er the spirit of my dream; + Whatever is, is right, + And things are not what they seem; + My native land, good night! + + +SO HUMANE.--334. + +A lady in Brooklyn is known to be so humane that she will not allow +even her carpet to be beaten; and was frightfully shocked on hearing a +boy, who was relating a story about a donkey, tell his comrades to cut +his tail short. She actually fainted away when a relative said he had +been killing time. + + +THE LYING AT THE TOP.--335. + +"Truth lies at the bottom of the well." All very well, as long as it +stays there; but it is the lying at the top and thereabouts that does +all the mischief! + + +"BRAGGIN' SAVES ADVERTISIN'."--336. + +"Well," said the doctor, "I didn't want to put myself forward, for it +ain't pleasant to speak of oneself." "Well, I don't know that," sais +I; "I ain't above it, I assure you. If you have a horse to sell, put +a thunderin' long price on him, and folks will think he must be the +devil and all; and if you want people to vally you right, appraise +yourself at a high figure. Braggin' saves advertisin'. I always do it; +for, as the Nova Scotia magistrate said, who sued his debtor before +himself, 'What's the use of being a justice, if you can't do yourself +justice.'"--_Sam Slick._ + + +CONCLUSIVE.--337. + +A story that General Hooker has been left immensely rich by the +death of a Mexican wife is thus disposed of by the San Francisco +_Atta_:--"1st, General Hooker's wife was not rich when he married her, +nor at any other time. 2nd, General Hooker's wife was not a Mexican. +3rd, General Hooker's wife is not dead. 4th, General Hooker never had +a wife. 5th, General Hooker is not a Croesus, never was, and never +will be." + + +VERDICT OF A NEGRO JURY.--338. + +"We, the undersigned, being a Kurnet's Juray to sit on de body of de +nigger Sambo, now dead and gone before us, hab been sittin' on de said +nigger aforesaid, did on de night of de fusteenth of November, come to +def by falling from de bridge ober the riber in de said riber, whar we +find he was subsequently drowned, and afterwards washed on the riber +side, whar we s'pose he was frose to death." + + +VERY CIVIL WAR.--339. + +On our left, where our lines were close to the rebs, two videttes from +opposite sides were moved out towards the same tree. After remaining +for some time near the tree unknown to each other, our vidette +discovered that he had lost his cap-box, and commenced calling for the +corporal. After calling several times without effect, the reb vidette +called out, "I say, Yank, what's the matter on your side of the tree?" +The "Yank" immediately replied that he wanted to go for some water. +"Well, go ahead," answered "Johnny;" "I'll watch both sides till you +come back." + + +A REAL HEAVY GALE.--340. + +"Was you ever in a real heavy gale of wind?" "Warn't I," said I; "the +fust time I returned from England it blew great guns all the voyage, +one gale after another, and the last always wuss than the one before. +It carried away our sails as fast as we bent them." "That's nothing +unusual," said Cutter; "there are worse things than that at sea." +"Well, I'll tell," sais I, "what it did; and if that ain't an uncommon +thing, then my name ain't Sam Slick. It blew all the hair off my dog, +except a little tuft atween his ears." + + +AN APPROPRIATE GIFT.--341. + +The _New York Atlas_ says:--"Judge Kelly and other citizens of +Philadelphia have presented a medal to President Lincoln. The +medallion has the bust of Washington on one side, and that of Mr. +Lincoln on the other. The peculiar felicity of this design is apparent +to the most obtuse. Washington was a patriot and a hero, and Lincoln +is unquestionably _the reverse_. It seems somewhat superfluous, +however, to strike a medal to perpetuate the knowledge of a fact so +indisputable." + + +THE CROOKED STICK.--342 + + Maria, just at twenty, swore + That no man less than six feet four + Should be her chosen one; + At thirty, she was glad to fix + A spouse exactly four feet six, + As better far than none. + + +A SPARE GIRL.--343. + +"I never," says Sam Slick, "see so spare a gal since I was raised. +Pharaoh's lean kine warn't the smallest part of a circumstance to her. +She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have to lean agin +the wall to support herself when she scolded, and I had to look twice +at her before I could see her at all, for I warn't sure _she warn't +her own shadow_." + + +NEW WAY TO AFFIX A STAMP.--344. + +"You remind me," says I, "of a feller in Slickville, when the six-cent +letter-stamps came in fashion. He licked the stamp so hard, he took +all the gum off, and it wouldn't stay on nohow he could fix it, so +what does he do but put a pin through it, and writes on the letter, +'Paid, if the darned thing will only stick.'"--_Sam Slick._ + + +THE ORIGINAL BROTHER JONATHAN.--345. + +When General Washington, after being appointed Commander of the Army +of Revolutionary War, came to Massachusetts to organize it, and make +preparations for the defence of the country, he found a great want of +ammunition and other means necessary to meet the powerful foe he had +to contend with, and great difficulty to obtain them. If attacked in +such condition, the cause at once might be hopeless. On one occasion, +at that anxious period, a consultation of the officers and others was +held, when it seemed no way could be devised to make such preparations +as were necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trumbull, the elder, was +then Governor of the State of Connecticut, on whose judgment and aid +the general placed the greatest reliance, and remarked: "We must +consult 'Brother Jonathan' on the subject." The general did so, and +the governor was successful in supplying many of the wants of the +army. When difficulties arose, and the army was spread over the +country, it became a by-word, "We must consult Brother Jonathan." The +term Yankee is still applied to a portion, but "Brother Jonathan" has +become a designation of the whole country, as John Bull is for England. + + +THOUGHTFUL MOTHERS.--346. + +It is said that some mothers in America are grown so affectionate that +they give their children chloroform previous to whipping them. + + +GRACE ONCE FOR ALL.--347. + +Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his +father before and after meals very tedious. One day after the winter's +provisions had been salted, "I think father," said Benjamin, "if you +were to say _grace_ over the whole cask once for all, it would be a +great saving of time." + + +PAINTING TO THE LIFE.--348. + +Slick says: "I think, without bragging, I may say I can take things +off to the life. Once I drawed a mutton chop so nateral, my dog broke +his teeth in tearing the panel to pieces to get at it; and at another +time I painted a shingle so like stone, when I threw it into the +water, it sunk right kerlash to the bottom." + + +COLUMBUS AND THE EGG.--349. + +Columbus, speaking with great humility of his discovery of America, +some of the company spoke in very depreciating terms of the +expedition. "There is no more difficulty," replied Columbus, "than +in putting this egg on its end." They tried the experiment, and all +failed. Columbus, breaking a little off the end, set it upright. The +company sneered at the contrivance. "Thus," observed Columbus, "a +thing appears very easy after it is done." + + +THE HEAVENLY "BODIES."--350. + +"Mamma, mamma," cried a little one, whose early hour of retirement +had not permitted much study of the starry heavens, "here is the moon +come, and brought a sight of little babies with her!" + + +THE HAPPIEST OF VOWELS.--351. + +One of the neatest and latest conundrums is as follows:--"Why is i the +happiest of vowels? Because it is in the midst of bliss; e is in hell, +and all the others in purgatory." + + +A TOUGH YANKEE.--352. + +A friend writes of a Yankee boasting an inveterate hatred of +everything British, living in a neighbouring city with a colonist +family. He takes every opportunity to have a slap at Brother Bull, and +the colonist does what he can to defend the venerable gentleman. "You +are arguing," said the colonist, "against your ancestors." "No, I'm +not." "Who was your father?" "A Yankee." "Who were your forefathers?" +"Yankees." "Who were Adam and Eve?" "Yankees, by thunder!" + + +USED TO IT.--353. + +Major N----, upon being asked if he was seriously hurt at the bursting +of a boiler on a steamboat, replied that he was not, as he had been +blowed up so many times by his wife that a mere steamboat explosion +had no effect upon him whatever. + + +QUOTING HIS FATHER.--354. + +A broker, whose mind was always full of quotations, was asked a few +days since how old his father was. "Well," said he, abstractedly, "he +is quoted at eighty, but there is every prospect he will reach par, +and possibly be at a premium." + + +WHY THE WAR GOES ON.--355. + +The soldiers at Helena, in Arkansas, used to amuse the inhabitants of +that place, on their first arrival, by telling them yarns, of which +the following is a sample:--"Some time ago Jeff Davis got tired of the +war, and invited President Lincoln to meet him on neutral ground to +discuss the terms of peace. They met accordingly, and, after a talk, +concluded to settle the war by dividing the territory and stopping the +fighting. The North took the Northern States, and the South the Gulf +and sea-board Southern States. Lincoln took Texas and Missouri, and +Davis Kentucky and Tennessee; so that all were parcelled off excepting +Arkansas. Lincoln didn't want it--Jeff wouldn't have it. Neither would +consent to take it, and on that they split; and the war has been going +on ever since." + + +WHAT U. S. STANDS FOR.--356. + +The _New York Herald_ puts forward General Grant as Democratic +candidate for the Presidency, on the ground that U. S. stands +for--Ulysses S. Grant, Union Sustaining Grant, Unconditional Surrender +Grant, Uncle Sam Grant, United States Grant, Unparalleled Success +Grant, Unabridged Seizure Grant, Union Saver Grant, Undeniable +Superior Grant, Unflinching Surmounter Grant, Undaunted Soldier Grant, +Understanding Secession Grant, Use Sambo Grant, Unshackle Slave +Grant, Ultimate Subjugation Grant, Uncommon Smart Grant, Unequalled +Smasher Grant, Utterly Solid Grant, Utmost Safety Grant, Unrivalled +System Grant, Unexceptionably Scientific Grant, Undertake Sure Grant, +Unbounded Spunk Grant, Universal Sanitive Grant, Unadulterated +Saltpetre Grant, Uniform Succeeder Grant, Undisputed Sagacity Grant, +Unabated Siege Grant, Unbending Super-excellence Grant, Unexampled +Skill Grant, Undoubtedly Spunky Grant, Unprecedented Sardine +Grant; and, what is best of all, he belongs to US, and will be the +Unanimously Selected Grant for the next Presidency. + + +A WISE FOOL.--357. + +A man brought before a justice of the peace in Vermont, charged with +some petty offence, pleaded in extenuation a natural infirmity. "I +should have made a considerable figure in the world, judge," he said, +"if I hadn't been a fool; it's a dreadful pull back to a man." + + +"OLD BRAINS."--358. + +One of the daily papers of New York made an amusing typographical +error in its publication of General Halleck's report of war +operations. The general, who enjoys the _sobriquet_ of "Old Brains," +wrote in depreciation of the immense cost of army transportation, +and made out a case for himself by saying that "our trains have been +materially reduced during the year." Imagine his disgust when he found +the boast printed "our _brains_ have been materially reduced!" Artemus +Ward might add: "N.B.--This is sarkasm." + + +THE GOVERNOR AND THE JUSTICE.--359. + +William Penn and Thomas Story once sheltered themselves from a shower +of rain in a tobacco house, the owner of which said to them: "You +enter here without leave; do you know who I am? I am a justice of the +peace." To which Story replied: "My friend here makes such things as +thee; he is Governor of Pennsylvania." + + +AN ENTHUSIASTIC NEWSVENDOR.--360. + +An amusing incident occurred one day in front of General Turner's +lines. A sergeant stepped out from our rifle-pits, and moved towards +the enemy, waving a late paper, regardless of the probability that +he would at any moment be shot. A rebel officer shouted to him to go +back, but the sergeant was unmindful of the warning, and asked, "Won't +you exchange newspapers?" "No," said the rebel, "I have no paper, I +want you to go back." With singular persistence the sergeant continued +to advance, saying, "Well, if you haint a paper, I reckon some of +your men have, and I want to exchange, I tell you." "My men have not +got anything of the kind, and you must go back," said the officer in +a louder tone, and with great emphasis. Nothing daunted, the Yankee +sergeant still advanced, until he stood plumply before the indignant +officer, and said, "I tell ye now you needn't get your dander up. I +don't mean no harm no way. P'raps if ye aint got no newspapers ye +might give me suthin else. Maybe your men would like some coffee +for some tobacco. I'm dreadful anxious for a trade." The astonished +officer could only repeat his command, "Go back, you rascal, or +I'll take you prisoner. I tell you we have nothing to exchange, and +we don't want anything to do with you Yankees." The sergeant said +ruefully, "Well, then, if you haint got nothin', why, here's the paper +any way, and if you get one from Richmond this afternoon you can send +it over. You'll find my name thar on that." The man's impudence or +the officer's eagerness for news made him accept. He took the paper, +and asked the sergeant what was the news from Petersburg. "Oh, our +folks say we can go in there just when we want to, but we are willing +to gobble all you fellows first," was the reply. "Well, I don't know +but what you can do it!" said the lieutenant, turning on his heel and +re-entering his rifle-pits; "meanwhile, my man, you had better go +back." This time the sergeant obeyed the oft-repeated order, and, on +telling his adventure, was the hero of the morning among his comrades. + + +PROFITLESS PREACHING.--361. + +The hat was passed round in a certain congregation in New York for +the purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the circuit +of the church it was handed to the minister, who, by the way had +"exchanged pulpits" with the regular preacher, and he found not a cent +in it. He inverted his hat over the pulpit cushion, and shook it, that +its emptiness might be known; then looking towards the ceiling, he +exclaimed, with great fervour, "I thank Heaven that I got back my hat +from this congregation." + + +NOT FOR WANT.--362. + +An Irishman being asked why he left his country for America, replied, +"It wasn't for want; I had plenty of that at home." + + +SAM SLICK ON HAPPINESS.--363. + +It takes a great deal to make happiness, for everything must be in +time, like a piano; but it takes very little to spoil it. Fancy +a bride, now, having a toothache, or a swelled face during the +honeymoon. In courtship she won't show, but in marriage she can't help +it. + + +A LAGGING COMPLIMENT.--364. + +An American editor once, in attempting to compliment General Pillow +as a "battle-scarred veteran," was made by the typos to call him a +"battle-scared veteran." In the next issue the mistake was so far +corrected as to style him a "bottle-scarred veteran." + + +WEDLOCK FIRST INSTITUTED.--365. + +Wedlock was first instituted in Paradise. Well, there must have been a +charming climate there. It could not have been too hot, for Eve never +used a parasol, or even a "kiss-me-quick;" and Adam never complained, +though he wore no clothes, that the sun blistered his skin. It could +not have been wet, or they would have coughed all the time, like +consumptive sheep; and it would have spoiled their garden, let alone +giving them the chilblains and the snuffles. They didn't require +umbrellas, uglies, fans, or india-rubber shoes. There was no such a +thing as a stroke of the sun, or a snow-drift there. The temperature +must have been perfect, and connubial bliss I allot was rael jam up. +The only thing that seemed wanting there was for some one to drop in +to tea now and then, for Eve to have a good chat with, while Adam was +a studyin' astronomy, or tryin' to invent a kettle that would stand +fire; for women do like talking, that's a fact, and there are many +little things they have to say to each other that no man has any right +to hear, and if he did he couldn't understand.--_Sam Slick._ + + +A STRIKING LESSON.--366. + +A canal boat was once passing through a narrow lock on the Erie line, +and the captain hailed the passengers and said, "Look out!" Well, +a Frenchman thinking something strange was to be seen, popped his +head out, and it was cut off in a minute. "Oh, _mon Dieu_!" said his +comrade, "dat is a very _striking_ lesson in English. On land look out +means open the window, and see what you will see. On board canal boat +it means have your head in, and don't look at nothin."--_Sam Slick._ + + +A DISINTERESTED LIEUTENANT.--367. + +"Feller sogers," said a newly-elected lieutenant of the militia, "I +am all-fired obliged to you for this shove-up in the ranks you have +given me. Feller sogers, I'm not going to forget your kindness soon, +not by a darned sight; and I'll tell you what it is, I'll stick to my +post like pitch to a pine-board, so long as ther's peace; but as I go +in for rotation in office, and if we should come to blows with the +British, darned if I don't resign right off, and give every feller a +fair shake for fame and glory." + + +CLAIMING AND TAKING EXEMPTION.--368. + +THE _Steuben Courier_ says that a man walked forty miles to claim +exemption from the war-draft, on the ground of inability to stand +long marches and the hardships of camp life.--A man named Jefferson +Davis was drafted in New Bedford on Tuesday last. We hope that he +may be able to go, and be in at the death of his illustrious rebel +namesake.--Seven of the waiters in one of the popular hotels of Boston +were the victims of the draft, but the next morning after their names +had been drawn from the wheel of the Provost-Marshal, they had all +skedaddled to parts unknown, and have not been heard of since.--There +were two Mike Sullivans, the _Boston Herald_ says, living at Fort +Hill, and neither had any other distinction. One of them was drafted, +but which of them neither could tell, nor any one else. One of them +was called upon by a friend, who inquired if he was the Michael +Sullivan who had been drafted. "Yes," said Mike, "I suppose I am." +"Are you sure of that, now?" exclaimed Mike's friend. "How the +divil do you know but you axe the other Mike Sullivan?"--A laughable +circumstance took place in the Fourteenth Ward, Philadelphia, during +the drafting. Everything was going on quietly, and good humour +appeared to be depicted upon every countenance. Among the many +hundreds that were there was a pale-faced son of the Emerald Isle, +gazing on the wheel, and at every revolution gasping for breath. Of a +sudden, losing all control of himself, he burst out: "Wherl it round! +wherl it round!--rouse it, will ye!" "What's the matter with you?" +said the Provost-Marshal. "Oh, be jabers, turn it round a dozen times, +for that man you drawed last is my next door neighbour." + + +GREAT SCARCITY.--369. + +Speaking of the great scarcity of provisions down South, a Northern +paper says--"Tea is so scarce in the South that they haven't even +drawings of it, and there are no grounds for supposing that they have +any coffee." + + +THE CAPTAIN'S PUDDING.--370. + +The following story is told of a Yankee captain and his +mate:--Whenever there was a plum-pudding made, by the captain's +orders, all the plums were put into one end of it, and that end placed +next to the captain, who, after helping himself, passed it to the +mate, who never found any plums in his part of it. After this game +had been played for some time, the mate prevailed on the steward +to place the end which had no plums in it next to the captain. The +captain no sooner perceived that the pudding had the wrong end turned +towards him, than picking up the dish, and turning it round, as if +to examine the china, he said: "This dish cost me two shillings in +Liverpool;" and put it down, as if without design, with the plum +end next to himself. "Is it possible?" said the mate, taking up the +dish. "I shouldn't suppose it was worth more than a shilling." And, +as if in perfect innocence, he put down the dish with the plums next +to himself. The captain looked at the mate; the mate looked at the +captain. The captain laughed; the mate laughed. "I tell you what, +young one," said the captain, "you've found me out, so we will just +cut the pudding lengthwise this time, and have the plums fairly +distributed hereafter." + + +SALARY NOT SO MUCH AN OBJECT, ETC.--371. + +Minister used to amuse me beyond anything, poor old soul. Once the +congregation met, and raised his wages from three to four hundred +dollars a-year. Well, it nearly set him crazy; it bothered him so he +could hardly sleep. So, after church was over the next Sunday, he +said, "My dear brethren, I hear you have raised my salary to four +hundred dollars. I am greatly obliged to you for your kindness, but I +can't think of taking it on no account. First, you can't afford it, +no how you can fix it, and I know it. Secondly, I ain't worth it, and +you know it; and, thirdly, I am nearly tired to death collecting my +present income. If I have to dun the same way for that it will kill +me. I can't stand it; I shall die. No, no, pay me what you allow me +more punctually, and it is all I ask, or will ever receive."--_Sam +Slick._ + + +ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES.--372. + +"Friend Wales,--You remember me. I saw you in Canada a few years +ago. I remember you, too. I seldim forgit a person. I hearn of +your marriage to the Princess Alexandry, & ment ter writ you a +congreetoolatory letter at the time, but I've bin bilding a barn this +summer, & hain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. We +hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got a female sewin +circle, which answers the same purpuss. Numeris changes has tooken +place since we met in the body politic. The body politic, in fack, is +sick. I sumtimes think it has got biles, friend Wales. In my country +we've got a war, while your country manetanes a nootral position! Yes, +sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make sacrifisses. +I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, and I stand reddy to +sacrifiss my wife's brother rather'n not see the rebelyin krusht. +And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of blud my able-bodied +relatiens has got to prosekoot the war. I think somebody oughter be +prosekooted, & it may as well be the war as anybody else. My object +in now addressin' you is to give you sum adwice, friend Wales, about +managin' your wife, a bizness I've had over thirty years' experience +in. You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say about +'vikins' in connection tharewith. Not knowing what that air, and so +I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook, I can't 'zactly say whether +we had 'em or not. We was both very much flustrated. But I never +enjoyed myself better in my life. Dowtless, your supper was ahead of +our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you +can git a good meal in New York, and cheap, too. You can git half a +mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's, for six dollars, and a +biled pertaters throwd in. I manidge my wife without any particler +trouble. When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of +experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You had better do +similer. There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the +best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants to. +I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a charm. +Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales. As yehrs roll by, and accidents +begin to happen to you--and your responsibilities increase--you will +agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on +with any certinty of winnin'. It may interest you to know that I'm +prosperin' in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the +course of a year as a Cab'net offisser does, and I understan' my +bizness a good deal better than sum of 'em do. Respects to St. Gorge +and the Dragon.--'Ever be happy.'" + + "ARTEMUS WARD." + + +PROVIDING FOR BILLS.--373. + +Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New +York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the +times; and perceiving at the moment a flight of pigeons passing over +their heads, he exclaimed, "How happy are those pigeons! they have +no acceptances to provide for." To which the other replied, "You are +rather in error, my friend, for _they_ have their _bills to provide +for_ as well as we!" + + +GENERAL LEE AND A SON OF ERIN.--374. + +When General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined with an Irishman. +Before entering upon the wine, the general remarked to his host, that +after drinking he was apt to abuse Irishmen, for which he hoped the +host would excuse him in advance. "By my soul, general, I will do +that," said his host, "if you will excuse a trifling fault which I +have myself. It is this: whenever I hear a man abusing old Ireland, I +have a sad fault of cracking his head with my shillaly!" The general +was civil during the rest of the evening. + + +THE NIAGARA FALLS FROM FOUR POINTS OF VIEW.--375. + +Mr. G. A. Sala, describing the Niagara Falls, says:--"A Swiss +watchmaker observed that he was very glad 'de beautiful ting was +going.' He looked upon it as some kind of clockwork arrangement, which +would run down and be wound up again. Everybody knows the story of the +'cute Yankee who called it 'an almighty water privilege.' It is one, +and would turn all the mill-wheels in the world. 'Here creation's done +its d--dest,' remarked another; and, quoth a fourth, 'I guess this +hyar suckles the ocean sea considerable.'" + + +LOGIC OF CONGRESS.--376. + +The House of Representatives at Washington has passed, by a majority +of seven to one, a resolution which, after stating the existence of +rebellion, runs thus:--"Resolved, that it is the political, civil, +moral, and sacred duty of the poople to meet it, fight it, and for +ever destroy it, thereby establishing perfect and unalterable liberty." + + +COLT'S ARMS _versus_ COLT'S LEGS.--377. + +Colt's arms are useful when you want to fight, but if you want to run +away, colt's legs are better. + + +INFANTILE IDEAS OF DISTANCE.--378. + +A happy comment on the annihilation of time and space by locomotive +agency was made by a little child who rode fifty miles in a railway +train, and then took a coach to her uncle's house, some five miles +further, and was asked on her arrival if she came by the cars. "We +came a little way in the cars, and all the rest of the way in a +carriage." + + +"DAT'S DE MYSTERY."--379. + +Two darkies had bought a mess of pork in partnership, but Sam having +no place to put his portion in, consented to trust the whole to +Julius' keeping. The next morning they met, when Sam says--"Good +mornin', Julius, anything happen strange or mysterious down in your +vicinity lately?" "Yaas, Sam, most a strange thing happen at my house +yesterlast night--all mystery, all mystery to me." "Ah, Julius, what +was dat?" "Well, Sam, I tole you now. Dis morning I went down into the +cellar for to get a piece of hog for dis darky's breakfast, and I put +my hand down in de brine and felt all round, but no pork dere--all +gone. Codn't tell what bewent with it, so I turned up de bar'l, and +Sam, true as preachin', de rats had eat a hole clar froo de bottom +of de bar'l, and dragged de pork all out!" Sam was petrified with +astonishment, but presently said--"Why didn't de brine run out of the +same hole?" "Ah, Sam, dat's de mystery." + + +OUR BOB.--380. + +Judge S---- had a very wild son, named Bob, who was constantly +on a spree, and upon being brought up once before the court for +drunkenness, the judge cried out--"Is that _our_ Bob?" _Clerk_: "Yes, +sir." _Judge_: "Fine the rascal two dollars and costs; I'd make it ten +dollars, if I didn't know it would come out of my own pocket." + + +SAMBO'S SUSPICION.--381. + +A gentleman who holds a responsible position under Government +concluded to change his lodgings. He sent one of the waiters of the +hotel where he had selected apartments after his baggage. Meeting the +waiter an hour or two afterwards, he said--"Well, Sambo, did you bring +my baggage down?" "No, sah!" blandly responded the sable gentleman. +"Why, what was the reason?" "Case, sah, the gentleman in de office +said you had not paid your bill." "Not paid my bill! why, that's +singular--he knew me very well when he kept the Girard House, in +Philadelphia." "Well, mebbe," rejoined Sambo, thoughtfully scratching +his head, "_dat was de reason he wouldn't gib me de baggage_." + + +WHERE THE DUCKS WENT.--382. + +A man was brought into one of the New York courts on the charge +of having stolen some ducks from a farmer. "How do you know they +are your ducks?" asked the defendant's counsel. "Oh! I should know +them _anywhere_," said the farmer, who proceeded to describe their +peculiarities. "Why," said the prisoner's counsel, "those ducks can't +be such a rare breed--I have some very much like them in my yard." +"That's not unlikely, sir," said the farmer, "they are not the only +ducks I've had stolen lately." Call the next witness. + + +NO PLACE LIKE HOME.--383. + +A young man, rather verdant, and very sentimental, while making +himself interesting to a young lady the other evening by quoting from +the poets, to the other choice and rare extracts he added, "There is +no place like home." "Do you really think so?" said the young lady. +"Oh, yes!" was the reply. "Then," said calico, "why don't you stay +there?" + + +DAMAGING THE ENGINE.--384. + +A man was sitting on the track of the New London road, when the train +came along and pitched him head over heels into the bushes. The train +stopped and backed to pick up the body, when the man coolly informed +the conductor, as he brushed the dirt from his coat sleeves, that if +he "had damaged the engine any he was ready to settle for it," and +walked off home. + + +A QUAKER WOMAN'S SERMON.--385. + +My dear friends, there are three things I very much wonder at. The +first is, that children should be so foolish as to throw up stones, +clubs, and brickbats into fruit-trees, to knock down fruit; if they +would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is, that men +should be so foolish, and even so wicked, as to go to war and kill +each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third, and +last, thing that I wonder at is, that young men should be so unwise +as to go after the young women; if they would stay at home the young +women would come after them. + + +A DELICATE CUT.--386. + +A couple of Albany ecclesiastics were at Saratoga at the time of the +annual races, which were under the management of Morrissey, the +famous prize-fighter, gamester, &c. Parson M----, a Baptist clergyman, +and Father C----, a Catholic priest, are both jolly fellows in an +innocent way, and, despite their difference of creed, remarkably good +friends. Meeting each other, M---- said jocosely, as he approached the +other, "Ah! I understand it, you have come to attend the races!" and +added, "Do you know Morrissey?" "No," said Father C----, "and I beg +you won't introduce me." + + +NOVEL TELEGRAPHIC MESSAGE.--387. + +The following telegraphic message was sent from an Albany office:--"To +---- Third Epistle of John, 13th and 14th verses. Signed ----." +The text referred to is as follows, and makes quite a lengthy and +understandable letter:--"I had many things to write, but I will not +with ink and pen write to thee. But I trust I shall shortly see thee, +and we shall speak face to face. Peace be to thee. Our friends salute +thee. Greet the friends by name." + + +BREAKFAST IN BED.--388. + +A new way of keeping warm has been put in practice with good effect. +It is to have a buckwheat cake made large enough to cover the +bed-quilt, and spread over it "piping hot" at the time of retiring. +When made of sufficient thickness it retains the heat until morning, +and if a person is too lazy to get up, he can make a very good +breakfast off the edges as he lies. + + +SHEDDING THEIR LAST DROP OF BLOOD.--389. + +"General," said Major Jack Downing, "I always observed that those +persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their +last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop." We +have too many of that style of patriots now-a-days. + + +POINTED RETORT.--390. + +A politician was boasting in a public speech that he could bring an +argument to a p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a quart +to a pint a good deal quicker," replied an acquaintance. + + +THE LETTER R.--391. + +The letter R is the embodiment of every American patriot's hope, +because it is the end of war and the commencement of reunion. + + +NOT WILLING TO DIE.--392. + +A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His +friends got around his bed, and one of them says: "John do you +feel willing to die?" John made an effort to give his views on the +subject, and answered with his feeble voice: "I--think--I'd rather +stay--where--I'm better acquainted." + + +HER POOR JERRY.--393. + +An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not +knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing +it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to +read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read--"Charleston, +June 23: Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed +(as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "_Oh, 'tis my +poor Jerry, he always stuttered!_" + + +TALL TALK.--394. + +A Kentuckian was once asked what he considered the boundaries of the +United States. "The boundaries of our country, sir?" he replied. "Why, +sir, on the north we are bounded by the Aurora Borealis, on the east +we are bounded by the rising sun, on the south we are bounded by the +procession of the Equinoxes, and on the west by the Day of Judgment." + + +AN EYE TO BUSINESS.--395. + +The Southerners are, of course, not nearly so commercial a race as +the Yankees, but still they are much given to "trading" amongst each +other. At an hospital in Gettysburg, an artilleryman, whose leg was to +be taken off, no sooner knew that the amputation was decided upon by +the doctors, than he turned to another wounded man in the next bed, +and, before the operation was performed, had "traded" the boot, which +was henceforth to be of no use to him. + + +WHAT A FINE WOMAN IS LIKE.--396. + +A fine woman is like a locomotive, because she draws a train after +her, scatters the sparks, and transports the males. If there is any +one of our hundred thousand readers has anything that can beat the +above we will be pleased to hear from him. + + +TRUTH WANTED.--397. + +Two years ago, at the Spring Term of the District Court at Topeka, +Kansas, Judge Rush Elmore presiding, a witness was called upon the +stand. After being sworn, the counsel for the defence said to the +witness--a tall, green specimen, and somewhat embarrassed--"Now, sir, +stand up and tell your story like a preacher." "No, _sir_!" roared +the judge, "none of that; I want you to tell the _truth_!" Just +imagine the sheriff, deputies, and bailiffs trying to keep "order" and +"silence." + + +AN IRISH BULL AT BULL'S RUN.--398. + +An Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of Bull's Run, was +somewhat startled when the head of his companion on the left was taken +off by a cannon-ball. In a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke +off the finger of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw +down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman rushed upon him, +exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop cryin'! You are making more noise +about it than the man who just lost his head!" + + +STRONG INDUCEMENT TO CLOSE UP.--399. + +A Cincinnati paper, in speaking of the overthrow of the rebels at +Phillippi, says that just before the Federal troops entered the town, +a certain Indiana company, almost worn out with the march, were +straggling along with very little regard to order. Hurrying up to his +men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. _If the enemy were to +fire when you're straggling along that way, they couldn't hit a cussed +one of you!_ Close up!" And the boys closed up immediately. + + +STEAM DEFINED.--400. + +At a railway station, an old lady said to a very pompous-looking +gentleman, who was talking about steam communication: "Pray, sir, +what is steam?" "Steam, ma'am, is ah!--steam, is ah! ah! steam +is--steam!" "I knew that chap couldn't tell ye," said a rough-looking +fellow standing by; "but steam is a bucket of water in a tremendous +perspiration." + + +A "BUS" IN THE CARS.--401. + +Friends are in the habit of warmly greeting their acquaintances upon +the arrival of passenger cars at some of the railway stations. It +was only the other day that a young gentleman rushed through a crowd +towards a lady, seized her hand, and gave her a hearty kiss, the smack +of which sounded above--we were going to say the ding of dongs; but it +is enough to state that the report startled a country lass hard by, +who exclaimed to her "feller," "Massy, Josh! what on airth's gev way +on the keers?" + + +HOUSEHOLD WORDS.--402. + +Pshaw! Stop your noise! Shut up this minute! I'll box your ears! You +hold your tongue! Let me be! Go away! Get out! Behave yourself! I +won't! You shall! Never mind! You'll catch it! Don't bother! Come here +directly! Put away those things! You'll kill yourself! I don't care! +They're mine! Mind your own business! I'll tell ma! You mean thing! +There, I told you so! You didn't! You did! I will have it! Oh, see +what you have done! 'Twas you! Won't you catch it, though? It's my +house! Who's afraid of you? Mah-h-h! Boo, hoo, boo, hoo, oo! What's +the matter? Clear out of this room, directly! Do you hear me? Dear me! +I never did see in all my born days! It's enough to set one crazy! +Would you put a tuck in it? Well, says I! Says he! Says she! Says +they! Bless me! No! Hem it all this way round! Three flounces! Gored! +Worked crosswise! Trimmed with velvet! Ten yards? Cut bias! Real +sweet! Tut! Wal, now! + + +HIS REASONS FOR LEAVING.--403. + +On our trip up the river once we had on board a tall, gaunt-looking +volunteer. His appearance not only indicated that he was lately from +the hospital, but that it would perhaps have been better for him to +have remained there still, for he certainly did not seem to be in a +fit condition to travel. He was from Eastern Ohio, and by some strange +whim of his comrades (soldiers have odd notions as to name), he had +won the cognomen of "Beauregard." He was full of dry humour, and it +had a peculiar zest, coming from such a dilapidated specimen of the +human kind. I asked him: "How long were you in the hospital at ----?" +"I stayed just five days; I couldn't stand it any longer." "Why so? +Were you not well treated?" "Well, you see, when I went in there were +six patients. The first day they buried one." "Well, what of that?" +"Nothing--only the very next day they buried another." "They must have +been severe cases, and made it very unpleasant for you." "Unpleasant! +I knew my turn would come in time. I went in on Monday, and if I +stayed I would be carried out on Saturday. So I made my calculation, +and on Friday I packed my knapsack and went away. If I had not, I'd +surely been buried on Saturday. Six days--one man each day--could't +stand that." + + +YOUR FARE, MISS.--404. + +The most veracious chroniclers of Chicago relate the experience of a +young lady from the rural districts of Hoosierdom, who visited the +Queen City of the West, accompanied by her particular swain, and took +an appreciative view of the "elephant." Getting into one of the city +cars for a ride, the maiden took a seat, while the lover planted +himself on the platform. The graceful vehicle had sped but a few +short blocks, when the beneficent young conductor insinuated himself +into the popular chariot, for the purpose of collecting expenses. +Approaching the rustic maiden, he said, affably, "Your fare, miss." +The Hoosier rosebud allowed a delicate pink to manifest itself on +her cheeks, and looked down in soft confusion. The justly popular +conductor was rather astonished at this, and ventured to remark once +more--"Your fare, miss." This time the pink deepened to carnation, +and the maiden fingered her parasol with pretty coquettishness. The +conductor really didn't know what to make of this sort of thing, and +began to look a little foolish; but as a small boy at the other end +of the car began to show signs of a disposition to leave without +paying for his ride, the official managed to say once more--"Hem! +miss, your fare." In a moment those lovely violet eyes were looking +up into his face, through an aurora of blushes, and the rosy lips +exclaimed--"Well, they dew say I am good-looking at hum, but I +don't see why you want to say it out loud!" It was not a peal of +thunder that shook the car just then. Oh, no. It was something that +commenced in a general passengerical titter, and culminating in such +a shattering guffaw as Western lungs alone are capable of. In the +midst of the cachinnatory tempest the "lovyer" came to the rescue of +his Doxiana; and when the "pint of the hull thing" was explained to +him, his mouth expanded to proportions that might have made Barnum's +hippopotamus die of jealousy on the spot. The pair descended from +the car amid a salvo of Mirth's artillery, and when last seen were +purchasing artificial sweetness at a candy-shop. + + +AGREEING WITH ALL THE GIRLS.--405. + +In a lesson in parsing the sentence, "man, courting capacity of bliss, +etc.," the word courting comes to a pert young miss of fourteen to +parse. She commenced hesitatingly, but got along well enough until +she was to tell what it agreed with. Here she stopped short. But +as the teacher said, "Very well, what does courting agree with?" +Ellen blushed, and hung down her head. "Ellen, don't you know what +that agrees with?" "Ye--ye--yes, sir!" "Well, Ellen, why don't you +parse that word? What does it agree with?" Blushing still more, and +stammering, Ellen says, "It a-agrees with _all the girls_, sir!" + + +WHEN THE BOAT STARTED.--406. + +A certain green customer, who was a stranger to mirrors, and who +stepped into the cabin of one of our ocean steamers, stopping in front +of a large pier glass, which he took for a door, said--"I say, mister, +when does this here boat start?" Getting no reply from the dumb +reflection before him, he again repeated--"I say, mister, when does +this here boat start?" Incensed at the still silent figure, he broke +out--"You sassafras-coloured, shock-headed bull calf, you don't look +as if you knew much anyhow." + + +THE BLIND PHRENOLOGIST OF ST. LOUIS.--407. + +There is a blind phrenologist in St. Louis who is great on examining +bumps. A wag or two got one of the distinguished judges, who thinks a +great deal of himself, and has a very bald head, which he generally +covers with a wig, to go to his rooms one day, and have his head +examined. Wags and judge arrive. "Mr. B.," said one, "we have now +brought you for examination a head as is a head; we wish to test your +science." "Very well," said the phrenologist, "place the head under +my hand." "He wears a wig," said one. "Can't examine with that on," +replied the professor. Wig was accordingly taken off, and the bald +head of the highly-expectant judge was placed under manipulation of +the examiner. "What's this? what this?" said the phrenologist; and +pressing his hand on the top of the head, he said, somewhat ruffled, +"Gentlemen, Heaven has visited me with affliction--I have lost my +eyesight--but I am no fool; _you can't pass this off on me for a +head_!" + + +CHASING A LOCOMOTIVE.--408. + +A friend who lately indulged in a chase after a locomotive declares it +"the silliest thing a sane man can do." This is his account:--"Rushing +out from the refreshment-room on the platform, I saw my train moving +off 'gradually,' with about seventy-five yards the start. I have +been counted a good runner in my time, and for the first hundred +yards I gained on it. Then for about a quarter of a mile it was +'nip and tuck,' at the end of which I concluded that steam was more +than a match for muscle, and 'caved.' The last I saw of my train it +was 'going it' around a curve at the rate of twenty-five miles an +hour, the passengers waving their handkerchiefs at me, and cheering +vociferously. As I walked sheepishly back to the dépôt, a thought came +into my head that it _might_ run off the track in going round the +curve at that rate of speed, and I am afraid that I rather encouraged +the idea." + + +THE LATEST WAY.--409. + +The latest way to pop the question is to ask a fair lady if you can +have the pleasure of seeing her to the minister's. + + +A GREAT TRAVELLER.--410. + +A good story is told of a Washington countryman, who, on his way to +Cincinnati, became somewhat elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good +luck would have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on his +way. Soon after leaving the wharf, a man came round for his fare. +Horrall handed him out a five-dollar bill, and received four dollars +and ninety-five cents in change. He rammed it into his pocket-book +with great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake. That +done, he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep. A little while +and he was plucked awake by the same man, who again demanded fare. +"Discovered the mistake," holding out a handful of change. The man, +as before, took only five cents, and Horrall again went into a doze. +Ere he had got fairly into dreaming of home and friends far away, +around came the collector again, and thus it went on for a long time. +At last Horrall thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to vote +the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of advice besides; so +he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger (hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no +means," said the man. "Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic) +don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once--not bo-bother a fel +(hic) heller for it every mile as it comes due?" "Really," said the +man, "where do you think you are going?" "Cincin (hic) hinnati," said +Horrall. "Cincinnati," said the polite conductor, "why you must be +sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat, and all this +afternoon you have been riding to and fro between New Albany and +Portland." + + +WHOSE FAULT WAS IT?--411. + +A preacher stopped short in a pulpit; it was in vain that he scratched +his head--nothing would come out. "My friends," said he, as he walked +quietly down the pulpit stairs, "my friends, I pity you, for you have +lost a fine discourse." + + +A MODEST LINENDRAPER.--412. + +A dealer in ready-made linen advertises his shirts and chemisettes +under the mellifluous appellation of "Male and Female Envelopes." + + +GONE HOME.--413. + +One of the Richmond papers thus pleasantly announces the death of a +newspaper man in the Libby prison:--"A Yankee reporter gone home to +write up his reports by the fire." + + +AN INCIDENT AND AN EPIGRAM.--414. + +It chanced one evening, at one of the great hotels, that a gentleman, +seeking in vain for a candle with which to light himself to his room +at a late hour, passed a young lady who had two candles, of which she +politely offered him one. He took it and thanked her, and the next +morning acknowledged the courtesy in the following epigram. Luckily +for the poet (for his epigram would otherwise have been pointless), +the young lady was as handsome as she was polite:-- + + "You gave me a candle: I give you my thanks, + And add--as a compliment justly your due-- + There isn't a girl in these feminine ranks + Who could, if she tried, hold a candle to you!" + + +JUST GOT MARRIED.--415. + +The following amusing incident took place upon one of the Ohio river +steamboats:--While the boat was lying at Cincinnati, just ready to +start for Louisville, a young man came on board, leading a blushing +damsel by the hand, and approaching the polite clerk, in a suppressed +voice; "I say," he exclaimed, "me and my wife have just got married, +and I'm looking for accommodations." "Looking for a berth?" hastily +inquired the clerk--passing tickets out to another passenger. "A +_birth_! thunder and lightning, no!" gasped the astonished man; "_we +ha'nt but just got married_; we want a place to stay all night, you +know, and--and a bed." + + +KIND AND SYMPATHETIC.--416. + +"What is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her husband, who had +sat half an hour with his face buried in his hands, and apparently +in great tribulation. "Oh, I don't know," said he; "I have felt like +a fool all day." "Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "I'm afraid +you'll never be any better--you look the picture of what you feel!" + + +HUMAN NATURE.--417. + +Some wise man sagely remarked, "there is a good deal of human nature +in man." It crops out occasionally in boys. One of the urchins in the +school-ship _Massachusetts_, who was quite sick, was visited by a kind +lady. The little fellow was suffering acutely, and his visitor asked +him if she could do anything for him. "Yes," replied the patient, +"read to me." "Will you have a story?" asked the lady. "No," answered +the boy; "read from the Bible; read about Lazarus;" and the lady +complied. The next day the visit was repeated, and again the boy asked +the lady to read. "Shall I read from the Bible?" she inquired. "Oh, +no," was the reply, "I'm better to-day; _read me a love story_." + + +A YOUNG LADY'S SACRIFICE.--418. + +A young lady has been heard to declare that she couldn't go to fight +for the country, but she was willing to allow the young men to go, +and die an _old maid_, which she thought was as great a sacrifice as +_anybody_ could be called upon to make! + + +POETRY AND PROSE.--419. + +A country editor, referring to Tupper's line, "A babe in the house is +a well-spring of pleasure," says, "If it is we prefer to get water +from the pump." + + +DANIEL WEBSTER AND HIS BILLS.--420. + +Our readers are aware that the late Hon. Daniel Webster was not so +careful in his pecuniary matters as some men, and this fault was at +times taken advantage of. At one time a man sawed a pile of wood +for him, and, having presented his bill, it was promptly paid by +Mr. Webster. The labourer was taken ill during the winter, and a +neighbour advised him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his +bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No matter," replied his +dishonest adviser, "call again with it. He don't know, and don't mind +what he pays. It is a very common thing for him to pay much larger +bills twice." The man got well, and carried in his account the second +time. Mr. Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered him, but +paid the bill without demurring. The fellow got "short" some three +of four months afterwards, and bethought him of the generosity and +loose manner of Mr. Webster in his money matters, and a third time +he called and presented the bill for sawing the wood. Mr. Webster +took the account, which he immediately recognized, and, scanning the +wood-sawyer a moment, said: "How do you keep your books, sir?" "I keep +no books" said the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr. +Webster, with marked emphasis; "and you excel those who are satisfied +with the double-entry system. You keep your books upon a triple-entry +plan, I observe." Tearing up the account, Mr. Webster added: "Go, sir, +and be honest hereafter. I have no objection to paying these little +bills twice, but I cannot pay them three times. You may retire." The +man left the room, feeling as though he was suffocating for want of +air. He had learned a lesson that lasted through life. + + +KEEPING A SECRET.--421. + +Of the descendants of the Pilgrims there once lived an old man, +who, unlike nearly all his brethren, had no particular respect for +the clergy. Going his accustomed rounds one day, he met a reverend +gentleman, who, after a few casual remarks on worldly topics, thus +addressed him:--"Mr. Brown, you have lived long; very few attain your +age. Would it not be the part of wisdom to attend to your soul's +concerns immediately? Really, it would rejoice my soul to see you at +the eleventh hour become a praying Christian." "Well, now, Parson +Hoyt, my Bible tells me to pray in secret." "Ah, well--yes--but _do_ +you pray in secret?" "Why, now, Parson Hoyt, you know if I should tell +you, 'twouldn't be any secret, anyhow." + + +MOST TOO SUDDEN.--422. + +An old lady, a resident of Providence, who had never ridden in the +cars, was persuaded, by the combined efforts of the children, James +and Mary, to accompany them on an excursion, she all the time saying +that she knew something would happen. She took her seat with fear and +trembling, taking hold of the arm of the seat next the passage-way. +The train was late, as excursion trains are usually, and in coming +round a curve the Boston express train was on the same track, both +nearing each other faster than was pleasant. The momentum of each +train was nearly lost, and they came together with a chuck, which +pitched the old lady on her face in the passage-way between the seats. +She rose to her hands, and, looking back, asked: "_Jeems, do they +allus stop like that?_" + + +"ANY RELATIONS?"--423. + +The man who collects the names of soldiers for the town records of +Adams was recently the questioner in the following conversation, the +lady of the house replying:--"Have you any friends in the war, madam?" +"No, sir." "Any relations?" "No, sir." "Do you know anybody from this +neighbourhood who is in the army?" "No, sir." As he was leaving, a +bright thought struck her, and she rushed to the door, exclaiming: +"Oh, my husband has gone to the war!" + + +DIDN'T CARE THEN IF HE DID.--424. + +A gentleman from Boston chanced to find himself among a little party +of ladies away down East this summer, in the enjoyment of some +innocent social play. He carelessly placed his arm about the slender +waist of as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started, +and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The gentleman instantly +apologized for his seeming rudeness, and assured the half-offended +fair one that he did not mean to insult her. "No?" she replied, +archly. "Well, if you didn't, you may do it again." + + +NO JUSTICE IN THAT COURT.--425. + +A villanous specimen of humanity was brought into the Police Court +before Justice Cole, of Albany, charged with having brutally +assaulted his wife. The charge was substantiated in the clearest and +most positive manner, and exhibited the most heartless cruelty on the +husband's part. On his examination before the Justice, he had a good +deal to say about "getting justice." "Justice!" exclaimed Squire Cole, +"you can't get it here. This court has no power to hang you!" + + +SENSATIONS OF A DOWN-EASTER.--426. + +It has been truly said that "we reckon the progress of our lives by +sensations, not years," and an anecdote related by a friend very +happily illustrates the truth of the maxim. A young man "down East" +was asked his age; to which he answered--"Wal, I don't know exactly, +but I have had the seven year itch three times." + + +CHANGES.--427. + +A young lady, in a class studying physiology, made answer to a +question put, that in six years a human body became entirely changed, +so that not a particle which was in it at the commencement of the +period would remain at the close of it. "Then, Miss L.," said the +young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss L.?" "Why, yes, +sir, I suppose so," said she, very modestly looking at the floor. + + +LONGFELLOW AND LONGWORTH.--428. + +One of the happiest witticisms on record is related by the Boston +correspondent of the _Cincinnati Gazette_:--"I heard the other day of +a _bon mot_ made by Longfellow, the poet. Young Mr. Longworth, from +your city, being introduced to him, some one present remarked upon the +similarity of the first syllable of the two names. 'Yes,' said the +poet, 'but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply:-- + +"_Worth_ makes the man, the want of it the _fellow_."'" + + +NOVEL PROPOSITION.--429. + +It is proposed to light the streets of a Western city with red-headed +girls. In noticing the fact, a contemporary says, he'd like to play +tipsy every night, and hang hold of the lamp-posts. + + +INTERESTING ANNOUNCEMENT.--430. + +It is with feelings too deep for utterance, and a sense of obligation +overwhelming, and of worldly consequence never before experienced, +and with a heartfelt ecstacy heretofore not even dreamed of, that the +junior editor of this paper announces to his friends, and the rest of +mankind, that a son was born unto him on the morning of Friday last. A +general reprieve is granted to all political offenders, and an earnest +appeal made to those in pecuniary arrears to liquidate at the earliest +convenience, as the young gentleman must be fed and clothed. + + +EXCUSE FOR DRINKING.--431. + +A lady made her husband a present of a silver drinking cup, with an +angel at the bottom; and when she filled it for him he used to drink +it to the bottom, and she asked him why he drank every drop. "Because, +duckey," he said, "I long to see the dear little angel." Upon which +she had the angel taken out, and had a devil engraved at the bottom; +and he drank it off just the same, and she again asked him the reason. +"Why," replied he, "because I won't leave the old devil a drop." + + +TIGHT-FISTED.--432. + +The account comes to us of a young man who attends church regularly, +and clasps his hands so tight during praying time that he can't get +them open when the contribution box comes round. + + +EDITORS' WIVES WIELDING THE BROOM.--433. + +An editor says his attention was first drawn to matrimony by the +skilful manner in which a pretty girl handled a broom. A brother +editor says the manner in which his wife handles a broom is not so +very pleasing. + + +THE WRONG WOMAN.--434. + +A Jersey man was lately arrested for flogging a woman, and excused the +act by saying he was near-sighted, and thought it was his wife. + + +A JOKE BY THE PRESIDENT.--435. + +"How do you do, Mr. Lincoln?" "Well, that reminds me of a story. As +the labourer said to the bricklayer, after falling through the roof +and rafters of an unfinished house, I have gone through a great deal +since you saw me last." + + +WISE LAWS--BY SAM SLICK.--436. + +If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart, a skilful man would +find his way into it, if he wanted to, I know. That contrivance is set +to a particular word; find the letters that compose it, and it opens +at once. + +If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of course, have +much in his heart. + +I tell you what, President, says I, seein' is believin', but it aint +them that stare the most who see the best always. + +Thunderin' long words aint wisdom, and stopping a critter's mouth is +more apt to improve his wind than his onderstandin'. + +Swapping facts is better than swapping horses any time. + +Providence requires three things of us before it will help us--a stout +heart, a strong arm, and a stiff upper lip. + +Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe friend. It'll do on +a pinch for a travellin' companion, but he is not the man for your +banker. + +"Don't care" won't bear friendship for fruit, and "don't know, I'm +sure," won't ripen it. + +What a pity it is marryin' spoils courtin'. + +There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless she wants to be +caught, that's a fact. + +Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head, but it's longer in +comin' out. + +People have no right to make fools of themselves, unless they have no +relations to blush for them. + +It 'aint every change that's a reform, that's a fact, and reforms +'aint always improvements. + +Blushin' for others is the next thing to taking a kicking from them. + + +A DOUBLE DIFFICULTY.--437. + +An anti-slavery man says what the Southern Confederacy wants is the +capitol, and what they can't get to take it with is the capital. + + +WITH A QUILL.--438. + +A Mr. Hen has started a new paper in Iowa. He says he hopes by hard +scratching to make a living for himself and his little chickens. + + +DOUBTFUL.--439. + +After asking your name in the State of Arkansas, the natives are in +the habit of saying, in a confidential tone, "Well, now, what war yer +name before yer moved to these parts?" + + +THE LETTER S.--440. + +A writer says the Americans will always have more cause to remember +the S than any other letter in the alphabet, because it is the +beginning of secession, and the end of Jeff. Davis. + + +NONSENSE ABOUT LOVE.--441. + +What nonsense people talk about love, don't they? Sleepness nights, +broken dreams, beatin' hearts, pale faces, a pinin' away to shaders, +fits of absence, loss of appetite, narvous flutterin's, and all that. +I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll swear to the disease. Folks take +this talk, I guess, from poets; and they are miserable, mooney sort of +critters; half mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream +than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers catch flies, +to pass time; hearts and darts; cupid and stupid; purlin' streams and +pulin' dreams, and so on. It's all bunkum!--_Sam Slick._ + + +WONDERFUL.--442. + +An exchange, recording the fall of a person into the river, says:--"It +is a wonder he escaped with his life." Prentice says: "Wouldn't it +have been a still greater wonder if he had escaped without it?" + + +HARD UP.--443. + +Jersey man (entering a dentist's store): "Air yeou a doctor, +sir?"--Dentist: "Yes. Can I do anything for you?"--Jersey man: "Wall, +no; I guess not in the way of physic. I've jest called to see if yeou +don't want to buy some real, genuine, sound teeth?"--Dentist: "Well, +I might want them; have you many?"--Jersey man: "I calkilate I can't +say I have more'n a few, myself; but our Sal sez she has got some +she'll sell, if I can strike a good bargain."--Dentist, having thought +for some time, names a price, and the countryman consents.--Jersey +man (taking a seat, and coolly spreading himself out): "Wall, I +guess yeou may draw a dozen for the present, and I'll bring Sal +to-morrow."--Dentist (looking aghast): "Why, you don't mean to sell +your own teeth? They're of no use to me."--Jersey man: "Why, look +here, they're no airthly use to Sal and me; for what's the use of +teeth when one's nothing to eat?" + + +MILITARY TACTICS.--444. + +The stratagems resorted to by the soldiers at Cairo, to smuggle liquor +into their quarters, were often amusing. One day a man started out +with his coffee-pot for milk. On his return, an officer suspecting him +to have whisky in his can, wished to examine it, and the man satisfied +him by pouring out milk. At night there was a general drunk in that +soldier's quarters, ending in a fight. It was at last discovered that +the man had put a little milk into the spout of his can, sealing the +inside with bread, and filling the can with whisky. + + +SETTLING THE WINE BILL.--445. + +An officer staying at a hotel in Washington, on asking for his bill +one morning, found that a quart of wine was charged when he had but a +pint. He took exceptions to the item. Landlord was incorrigible: said +there never was any mistake about the wine bills. Officer paid it, and +went to his room to pack his carpet-bag. Having made purchases, his +bag was too full to let in an extra pair of boots. Landlord was sent +for--came. Says the officer, "I can't get these boots into this d----d +bag."--Landlord: "If you can't, I am sure I can't."--Officer: "Yes you +can; for a man who can put a quart of wine into a pint bottle can put +these boots into that bag." Landlord laughed heartily, cancelled the +whole bill, and returned the amount. + + +SMILES.--446. + +What a sight there is in that word--smile; for it changes colour +like a chameleon. There's a vacant smile, a cold smile, a smile of +approbation, a friendly smile; but, above all, a smile of love. A +woman has two smiles that an angel might envy--the smile that accepts +the lover before words are uttered, and the smile that lights on the +first-born baby, and assures him of a mother's love.--_Sam Slick._ + + +FORLORN HOPE.--447. + +An old maid, who had her eye a little sideways on matrimony, +says:--"The curse of this war is, that it will make so many widows, +who will be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it. Modest +girls will stand no chance at all." + + +ARTISTIC EXECUTION.--448. + +A man out West, who had a brother hanged, informed his friends in the +East that his "brother on a recent occasion addressed a large public +meeting, and just as he finished, the platform on which he stood gave +way, and he fell and broke his neck." + + +TALKING MATCH.--449. + +A talking match lately came off for five dollars a side. It continued +for thirteen hours, the rivals being a Frenchman and a Kentuckian. The +bystanders and judges were talked to sleep, and when they awoke in the +morning they found the Frenchman dead, and the Kentuckian whispering +in his ear. + + +KISSING BY PROXY.--450. + +One of the deacons of a certain church in Virginia asked the Bishop +if he usually kissed the bride at weddings? "Always," was the reply. +"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the +next question. "In all such cases," replied the Bishop, "the duty of +kissing the lady is appointed to the deacons." + + +EFFECTIVE REMONSTRANCE.--451. + +One of the boys at Camp Noble, Indiana, was put on guard one night, +and reported to his captain in the morning that "He was abused by +a fellow because he would not allow him to pass." "Well," said the +captain, "what did you do?" "Do? why I remonstrated with him." "And to +what effect?" "Well, I don't know to what effect, but the barrel of my +gun is bent." + + +LATEST DOG STORY.--452. + +Two dogs fell to fighting in a saw-mill. In the course of the tustle +one dog went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two +instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore legs continued the +fight, and whipped the other dog. + + +A NOTE BY THE EDITOR.--453. + +The editor of a Western paper owes a bank about 1000 dollars, for +which they hold his note. The defaulting wag announces it thus +in his paper:--"There is a large collection of the autographs of +distinguished individuals deposited for safe keeping in the cabinet of +the Farmers and Merchants' Bank, each accompanied with a 'note' in the +handwriting of the autographist. We learn that they have cost the bank +a great deal of money. They paid over a thousand dollars of ours. We +hope great care is taken to preserve those capital and _interest_-ing +relics, as, should they be lost, we doubt whether they could be easily +collected again. Should the bank, however, be so unfortunate as to +lose ours, we'll let them have another at half price, in consequence +of the very hard times." + + +DISCONSOLATE.--454. + +A disconsolate widower, seeing the remains of his late wife lowered +into the grave, exclaimed, with tears in his eyes, "Well, I've lost +hogs, and I've lost cows, but I never had anything that cut me up like +this." + + +INDUCEMENT UNNECESSARY.--455. + +They say that woman caused man to commit his first sin. But if she +hadn't induced him to sin in eating, no doubt he would very soon have +sinned of his own accord in drinking. + + +PRETENCE.--456. + +Pretend you know, and half the time, if it aint as good as knowin', +it will sarve the same purpose. Many a feller looks fat who is only +swelled, as the Germans say.--_Sam Slick._ + + +"OPEN THY CUPBOARD TO ME."--457. + + All lonely and drear is the street, love; + The "watch" is asleep on his "beat," love, + And I'm dying for something to eat, love; + So open thy cupboard to me. + + Get up from that warm feather bed, love, + And bake us a cone of "corn bread," love, + For I wish very much to be fed, love; + So open thy cupboard to me. + + Oh, hasten thy lover to cram, love, + With a slice of cold turkey or ham, love, + For deucedly hungry I am, love; + So open thy cupboard to me. + + The stars are beginning to "wink," love; + 'Tis the hour for "snacks" and for "drink," love. + You've a jug of old whisky, I think, love; + So open thy cupboard to me. + + The moon will be down before long, love, + And the "night-bird" is singing his song, love; + How plainly he says "mix it strong," love, + And open thy cupboard to me. + + My feet are all wet with the dew, love, + And there's nothing so nice as "hot stew," love: + Then get up and make it, pray do, love, + And open thy cupboard to me. + + The chickens are crowing for day, love, + And I must soon hurry away, love; + Then list to thy lover's last lay, love, + And open thy cupboard to me. + + +NATUR'S BALANCES.--458. + +Them that have more than their share of one thing, commonly have less +of another. Where there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much +gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint much of a man. A +beautiful bird seldom sings. Them that have genius have seldom common +sense. A feller with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a +fool dies poor. The world is like a baked meat pie; the upper crust is +rich, dry, and puffy; the lower crust is heavy, doughy, and underdone; +the middle is not bad generally, but the smallest part of all is that +which flavours the whole.--_Sam Slick._ + + +AN EPIGRAM ON PRESIDENT LINCOLN.--459. + +_By the Manes of the Murdered Murray._ + + Abe L. is an able President, + His mind has a mighty reach; + Search all our cities and marts, + You won't find a man with better parts, + Excepting his parts of speech! + + +AMERICAN SOIL--ITS NATURAL RICHNESS.--460. + +I took a handful of guano, that elixir of vegetation, and sowed a few +cucumber seeds in it. Well, sir, I was considerable tired when I had +done it, and so I just took a stretch for it under a great pine-tree, +and took a nap. Stranger! as true as I am talking to you this here +blessed minute, when I woke up, I was bound as tight as a sheep going +to market on a butcher's cart, and tied fast to a tree. I thought I +should never get out of that scrape; the cucumber vines had so grown +and twisted round, and wound me and my legs while I was asleep! +Fortunately, one arm was free, so I got out my jack knife, opened it +with my teeth, and cut myself out, and off for Victoria again, hot +foot. When I came into the town, says our captain to me, "Peabody, +what in natur is that ere great yaller thing that's a sticking out of +your pocket?" "Nothin'," sais I, looking as mazed as a puppy nine days +old, when he first opens his eyes, and takes his first stare. Well, I +put in my hand to feel, and I pulled out a great big ripe cucumber, a +foot long, that had ripened and gone to seed there.--_Sam Slick._ + + +JOHN AND THE WIDDAH.--461. + +It a'n't the feed--said the young man John--it's the old woman's looks +when a fellah lays it in too strong. The feed's well enough. After +geese have got tough, 'n' turkeys have got strong, 'n' lamb's got old, +'n' veal's pretty nigh beef, 'n' sparragrass's growin' tall 'n' slim, +'n' scattery about the head, 'n' peas are gettin' so big 'n' hard, +they'd be dangerous if you fired them out of a revolver, we get hold +of all them delicacies of the season. But it's too much like feedin' +on live folks, and devourin' widdah's substance, to lay yourself out +in the eatin' way, when a fellah's as hungry as the chap that said +a turkey was too much for one, 'n' not enough for two. I can't help +lookin' at the old woman. Corned-beef days she's tolerable calm; +roastin'-days she worries some, 'n' keeps a sharp eye on the chap +that carves. But when there's anything in the poultry line, it seems +to hurt her feelin's so to see the knife goin' into the breast, and +joints comin' to pieces, that ther's no comfort in eatin'. When I cut +up an old fowl, and help the boarders, I always feel as if I ought to +say, "Won't you have a slice of widdah?" instead of chicken.--_Oliver +Wendell Holmes._ + + +STRIKING RESEMBLANCE.--462. + +An American, speaking of his niggers, said: "Cæsar and Pompey are so +much alike that you can't tell the one from the other, _'specially +Pompey_." + + +UNDOUBTED COURAGE.--463. + +"Sambo, you nigger, are you afraid of work?" "Bress you, massa, I no +'fraid of work; I'll lie down and go asleep close by him side." + + +A SIMILE.--464. + +A jeweller in Philadelphia advertises that he has a number of precious +stones to dispose of, adding that they sparkle like the tears of a +young widow. + + +FIVE OUTS AND ONE IN.--465. + +A poor Yankee, upon being asked the nature of his distress, replied +that he had "five outs and one in:" to wit, "_out_ of money and _out_ +of clothes; _out_ at the heels and _out_ at the toes; _out_ of credit, +and _in_ debt." + + +SAM SLICK'S DESCRIPTION OF A TEETOTALLER.--466. + +I once travelled through all the States of Maine with one of them air +chaps. He was as thin as a whippin' post. His skin looked like a blown +bladder, after some of the air has leaked out--kinder wrinkled and +rumpled like; and his eye as dim as a lamp that's livin' on a short +allowance of ile. He put me in mind of a pair of kitchen tongs--all +legs, shaft, and head, and no belly; real gander-gutted lookin' +crittur; as holler as a bamboo walking-cane, and twice as yaller. He +actilly looked as if he had been picked off a raft at sea, and dragged +through a gimlet hole. + + +ECLIPSING HIMSELF.--467. + +A Virginian tavern keeper going down to his wine cellar, by mistake +went down his own throat. He did not discover the error he had +committed until the candle he carried was blown out by the first +inspiration he took. He described it as being very difficult to find +his way up again in the dark. + + +FAMILIAR ACQUAINTANCE.--468. + +An aboriginal American was asked if he had known the Bishop of Quebec? +"Yes, yes." "And how did you like him?" "Oh, vastly!" "But how did you +happen to know him?" "Happen to know him! _Why, I ate a piece of him._" + + +PRESIDENT LINCOLN'S FIRST POLITICAL SPEECH.--469. + +Abraham Lincoln made his first political speech in 1832, when he was a +candidate for the Illinois Legislature. His opponent had wearied the +audience by a long speech, leaving Mr. L. but a short time in which to +present his views. He condensed all he had to say into a few words, +as follows--"Gentlemen, Fellow-citizens: I presume you all know who I +am. I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by many friends +to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and +sweet, like an old woman's dance. I am in favour of a national bank. I +am in favour of the internal improvement system, and a high protective +tariff. These are my sentiments and political principles. If elected, +I shall be thankful; if not, it will be all the same." + + +TAKE CARE OF YOUR BAGGAGE.--470. + +Travellers should be careful to entrust their baggage to proper +persons only, as a gentleman, not long ago, on alighting from the +train at Washington, entrusted his wife to a stranger, and she has not +been heard of since. + + +AMERICAN COMPETITION.--471. + +It is in the nature of an American, says one, to be always in fear +lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans +were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their +habits of competition. + + +AMERICAN DEFINITIONS.--472. + +_Progress of Time._--A pedler going through the land with wooden +clocks.--_Honesty_ (obsolete): A term formerly used in the case of a +man who had paid for his newspapers, and the coat on his back.--_Rigid +Justice_: A juror in a murder case fast asleep. + + +TWO THINGS UNEXPECTED.--473. + +Josh Billings says: "There air 2 things in this wurld for which we air +never fully prepared, and those air twins." + + +PERPETUAL MOTION.--474. + +A New York Paper advertises that the owner of the perpetual motion +lately exhibiting at Boston has absconded without paying the man who +turned the crank in the cellar. + + +ARTEMUS WARD ON REORGANIZATION.--475. + +Artemus Ward, in one of his letters, thus gives his idea of +reorganization:--"I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. +I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a public dinner, and +had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's +health, and wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continued +drinkin' their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I +presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite, with considerable +licker concealed about my person. I had somehow got perseschum of a +hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' some cranky observashuns of +Mrs. Ward's in the morin', I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a +very loud voice I said, Betsy--I continued crackin' the whip over the +bed--I have come to reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that sumbody +laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and when I woke +up I found _she_ had. I haint drunk much of anythin' since, and if I +ever have another reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out." + + +A RECEIPT IN FULL.--476. + +A German in New York being required to give a receipt in full, after +much mental effort produced the following:--"I ish full. I wants no +more money. John Swackhammer." Perhaps the sententious Tueton was full +of lager beer. + + +A SUDDEN DECLARATION.--477. + +A young gentleman happening to sit at church in a pew adjoining one +in which sat a young lady, for whom he conceived a sudden and violent +passion, was desirous of entering into a courtship on the spot, but +the place not suiting a formal declaration, the exigency of the case +suggested the following plan:--He politely handed his fair neighbour +a Bible open, with a pin stuck in the following text:--Second Epistle +of John, verse fifth--"And now I beseech thee lady, not as though I +wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the +beginning, that we love one another." She returned it pointing to +the second chapter of Ruth, verse tenth--"Then she fell on her face +and bowed herself to the ground, and said unto him 'Why have I found +grace in thine eyes, seeing that I am a stranger?'" He returned the +book, pointing to the thirteenth verse of the Third Epistle of St. +John--"Having many things to write unto you, I would not write with +paper and ink, but I trust to come unto you, and speak face to face, +that our joy may be full." From the above interview a marriage took +place the ensuing week. + + +A VOCATION.--478. + +"You're a loafer--a man without a calling," said a judge to a person +arrested as a vagrant. "I beg your pardon, your honour, I have a +vocation." "What is it?" "I smoke glass for eclipses, but just now it +is our dull season." + + +MAJOR DOWNING IN LONDON.--479. + +The Queen regretted that she could not invite me to stay to dinner, +cause 'twas washin' day in the palace, and they only had a pick-up +dinner. + + +ANY BETTER THAN NONE.--480. + +It may be said generally of husbands, as the old woman said of hers, +who had abused her to an old maid, who reproached her for being such a +fool as to marry him:--"To be sure, he's not so good a husband as he +should be, but he's a _powerful sight_ better than none." + + +A PRINTER'S TOAST.--481. + +At a printer's festival the following sentiment was offered:--"Woman, +second only to the press in the dissemination of news." + + +WASHINGTON IRVING.--482. + +Washington Irving's characteristic was quiet humour; mild enough, +but quaint; as when he said to a gentleman who, in a thunder-storm, +declined to take shelter under a tree, having promised to his father, +who had been once hit, never to do so: "Oh, that makes all the +difference in the world. If it is hereditary, and lightning runs in +the family, you are wise." + + +QUIZZING A WITNESS.--483. + +Chapman, a witty lawyer of Hartford, was busy with a case at which +a lady was present, with whom he had already something to do as a +witness. Her husband was present--a diminutive, meek, forbearing sort +of a man--who, in the language of Mr. Chapman, "looked like a rooster +just fished out of a swill barrel," while the lady was a large portly +woman, evidently the better horse. As on the former occasion, she +baulked on the cross-examination. The lawyer was pressing a question +urgently, when she said, with vindictive fire flashing from her eyes, +"Mr. Chapman, you needn't think to catch me; you tried that once +before!" Putting on his most quizzical expression, he replied, "Madam, +I haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your husband looks as +if he was sorry he did." The husband faintly smiled assent. + + +A WITTY AIDE-DE-CAMP.--484. + +During the battle of Fredericksburg, the Confederate General Lee +observed one of his aides-de-camp, a very young man, shrink every now +and then, and by the motion of his body, seek to evade, if possible, +the shot. "Sir," said Lee, "what do you mean? Do you think you can +dodge the balls? Do you know that Napoleon lost about a hundred +aides-de-camp in one campaign?" "So I've read," replied the young +officer, "but I did not think you could spare so many." + + +NATURE AND ART.--485. + +A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the +Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His +eye caught up the names of its, to him, unknown dishes:--"Soupe à la +Flamande"--"Soupe à la Creci"--"Langue de Boeuf piquée"--"Pieds de +Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"--"Patés de sanglier"--"Patés à la gelée +de volailles"--"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for +his simple heart, and laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, +he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to _first +principles_! Give us some beans and bacon!" + + +THE PRESIDENT AND THE MARSHAL.--486. + +A devoted admirer of honest old Abe makes a very severe conundrum upon +Marshal Kane. "What two characters in scripture remind us of a certain +President in Washington and a certain Marshal in Baltimore?" Give it +up, reader? Certainly! "Wicked Kane and righteous Abe L. (Abel)." +This, of course, is a delicate allusion to the sons of Adam, who must +have been Ameri-cains, since they went to fighting so soon about +nothing. + + +INSINUATING REJOINDER.--487. + +"Why don't you get married?" said a young lady to a bachelor +acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have been trying for the last ten +years to find some one who would be silly enough to take me, and have +not yet succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been down our +way," was the insinuating rejoinder. + + +STYLING THE FIRM.--488. + +"John, my son," said a doting father, who was about taking him +into business, "what shall be the style of the new firm?"--"Well, +governor," said the youth, "I don't know--but suppose we have it +John H. Samplin and Father?" The old gentleman was struck with the +originality of the idea, but didn't adopt it. + + +A REMARKABLE CHAMBER-MAID.--489. + +A notice in an American newspaper of a steamboat explosion ended as +follows:--"The captain swam ashore; so did the chamber-maid. She was +insured for 15,000 dollars, and loaded with iron." + + +SAVING THE TRUTH.--490. + +"Do you mean to insinuate that I lie, sir?" exclaimed a +fierce-looking, mustachioed gentleman to a raw Yankee, who hinted some +slight scepticism as to one of his toughest statements. "No, mister, +not at all--only it kind o' strikes me that you are 'tarnal savin' of +truth." + + +NIGGER EXPLANATION.--491. + +"Where is the hoe, Sambo?"--"Wid de rake, massa."--"Well, where is the +rake?"--"Wid de hoe."--"But where are they both?"--"Why, bof togeder. +By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular dis mornin'." + + +A JEW D'ESPRIT.--492. + +Mr. Noah, a Jew, was a candidate for the office of sheriff of the city +of New York, and it was objected to his election that a Jew would thus +come to have the hanging of Christians. "Pretty Christians, indeed," +remarked Noah, "to need hanging!" + + +CUFF'S CABIN.--493. + +A gentleman riding through Virginia was overtaken by a violent +thunder-storm. He took shelter in a negro's cabin, and found the water +streaming through many crevices in the roof. "Why don't you mend your +roof, Cuff?" he asked. "Oh, um rain so, maussa, 'can't," said the +negro. "But why don't you mend it when it doesn't rain?" asked the +gentleman. "Yah, maussa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn +want mendin'." + + +SMALL WAISTS AND TIGHT LACING.--494. + +"MY dear girls," said the preacher, "I like to see a small +waist as well as anybody, and females with hour-glass shapes suit my +fancy better than your Dutch-churn, soap-barrel, slab-sided sort of +figures; but I don't want to give the credit to corsets."--_Dow's +Sermons._ + + +THACKERAY AND THE PIRATE'S DAUGHTER.--495. + +Shortly after his first landing in America, Thackeray was invited to +dinner by one of the Messrs. Harper, the well-known publishing firm, +whose magazine, _Harper's Monthly_, is a deliberate compilation from +all the best English periodicals. On his introduction to Mr. Harper, +Thackeray had joked with him on the American contempt for copyright; +and when he went into the drawing-room he took a little girl, whom +he found playing there, on his knee, and gazing at her with feigned +wonder, said in solemn tones, "And this is a pirate's daughter!" + + +GENERAL MEADE TO GENERAL LEE.--496. + +The following lines were found in a Confederate soldier's note-book, +on the camping-ground near Breckenridge's head-quarters, before +Washington, July 17, 1864:-- + + Quoth Meade to Lee-- + Can you tell me, + In the shortest style of writing, + When people will + Get their fill + Of this big job of fighting? + + Quoth Lee to Meade-- + Why, yes, indeed, + I'll tell you in a minute: + When legislators + And speculators + Are made to enter in it. + + +ADOPTING THE OTHER COURSE.--497. + +The following advertisement appears in a California paper:--"Wanted, +by a blackguard, employment of any kind, temporary or otherwise. The +advertiser having hitherto conducted himself as a gentleman, and +signally failed, of which his hopeless state of impecuniosity is the +best proof, is induced to adopt the other course, in the hope that +he may meet with better success. No objection to up country. Terms +moderate." + + +A WHALE AT PEAS.--498. + +The dinner was a capital one, and Judge Tips played an excellent knife +and fork. A dish of peas came round, the last of the marrowfats; the +latest peas of summer. I am very fond of peas, and was rejoiced to +see my favourites once again; and I anxiously awaited their arrival. +Miss Tips, Miss Julia Tips, and Tips _mère_, as the French would say, +had each taken a decorous spoonful from the flying dish, and now +the black waiter was offering the delicacy to Tips himself, enough +being left for five persons, at least. What was my horror to behold +the judge deliberately monopolize the whole--sweep, as I live, every +pea into his own plate--and then turning to me, with a greasy smile, +remark: "I guess, stranger, I'm a whale at peas." + + +A TEARFUL RESPONSE.--499. + +"Does the razor take hold well?" inquired a barber, who was shaving a +gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in +his eyes, "it takes hold first-rate, but it don't let go very easily." + + +A PRETENDED PELHAM.--500. + +A gentleman crossing one of the New York ferries was accosted by +one of those peripatetic vendors of cheap literature and weekly +newspapers, who are to be found in shoals about such public places, +with "Buy Bulwer's last work, sir? Only two shillin'." The gentleman, +willing to have a laugh with the urchin, said: "Why, I am Bulwer, +myself!" Off went the lad, and whispering to another at a distance, +excited his wonderment at the information he had to impart. Eyeing the +pretended author of "Pelham" with a kind of awe, he approached him +timidly, and, holding out a pamphlet, said, modestly: "Buy the 'Women +of England,' sir? You're not Mrs. Ellis, are you?" Of course, the +proposed sale was effected. + + +DINNER, BUT NO BREAKFAST.--501. + +A gentleman was stopping at the plantation of a friend in Georgia, +and for his benefit a social fishing party was got up to go to some +river, a few hours' drive in the country. The party made a very early +start in the morning, and it so happened that a venerable old "uncle" +of extreme African descent, who was selected to drive them out, missed +his breakfast in the hurry and bustle of departure. This disagreeable +circumstance rendered the old darky very crusty and melancholy during +the entire morning; but at early noon the party adjourned to a country +tavern on the river bank, and had a good dinner, and the old "general" +was not slow to seek some alimentary compensation for the loss of +his matin meal. It was taken for granted that the old gent's good +humour would be restored by the dinner, but it was soon noticed that +he continued to remain "blue" and sorrowful, and, being surprised +thereat, his master asked him why he was still so cross, since he had +had so good a dinner. The old darky replied: "Yes, massa, me know I'se +had me dinnah, but me habn't had no brekfuss yet, nohow." + + +THE LOAFER'S HAT.--502. + +"I say, John, where did you get that loafer's hat?" "Please your +honour," said John, "it's an old one of yours, that missus gave me +yesterday, when you were in town." + + +THE DEBT OF NATURE.--503. + +An impertinent editor in Alabama, says a paper, wants to know when we +"intend to pay 'the debt of Nature?'" We are inclined to think that +when Nature gets her dues from him it will be by an _execution_. + + +A BLACK BULL.--504. + +At a coloured ball the following notice was posted on the +door-post:--"Tickets, fifty cents. No gemmen admitted unless he comes +himself." + + +A NEW DISH.--505. + +Pete Johnson was a tall, green, raw-boned country negro, and knew +nothing of city life or polished society. Recently he became tired +of tilling the soil by the month, journeyed to the metropolis, and +let himself as a waiter on board a steamer which plies up and down +the Sound on the New York, Norwich, and Boston line. As is customary +with new waiters, in order to train them to ease, and give them the +necessary polish and experience, he was required at first to attend +the officers' tables exclusively. But one evening, after a few weeks' +service, there came a great rush of passengers, and, of course, the +supper-room was thronged. Pete was sent to the public tables for the +first time. He got along very well until a guest called for an omelet. +This was a new dish to the green waiter, but he thought he understood +the order correctly, and with his usual gravity, stepped up to the +kitchen door and cried out, "An almanac!" + + +THE LAST COMPLIMENT.--506. + +A story is told of a very polite sheriff and a very polite criminal. +"Sir," said the culprit, as the sheriff was carefully adjusting +the rope, "really your attention deserves my thanks; in fact, I do +not know anybody I should rather have hang me." "Really," said the +sheriff, "you are pleased to be complimentary. I do not know of +another individual it would give me so much pleasure to hang." + + +PRECEPT AND PRACTICE.--507. + +Dr. Channing had a brother a physician, and at one time they both +dwelt in Boston. A countryman was in search of the doctor. The +following dialogue ensued:--"Does Dr. Channing live here?"--"Yes, +sir." "Can I see him?"--"I am he." "Who, you?"--"Yes, sir." "You +must have altered considerably since I heard you preach."--"Heard me +preach?" "Certainly! you are the Dr. Channing that preaches, ain't +you?"--"Oh! I see you are mistaken now; 'tis my brother who preaches; +I'm the doctor who practises." + + +A FAIR RETORT.--508. + +Mr. Cobden, in one of his speeches, said that he once asked an +enthusiastic American lady why her country could not rest satisfied +with the immense unoccupied territories it already possesses, but +must ever be lusting after the lands of its neighbours. Her somewhat +remarkable reply was, "Oh! the propensity is a very bad one, I admit; +but we came honestly by it, for we inherited it from you." + + +DR. FRANKLIN.--509. + +The town of Franklin, in Massachusetts, was named in honour of +Benjamin Franklin, the printer philosopher. While in France, a +gentleman in Boston wrote to him of the fact, and added, that as the +town was building a meeting-house, perhaps he would give them a bell. +Franklin wrote the characteristic reply, that he presumed that the +good people of F. would prefer sense to sound, and therefore he would +give them a library. This he did, and the library is now in good +condition, and has been of great service to the intelligent people of +that pleasant town. + + +REASONABLE INSTINCT.--510. + +A dog, which had lost the whole of her interesting family, was seen +trying to poke a piece of crape through the handle of the door of one +of the sausage shops in this city. + + +DANIEL WEBSTER'S COURTSHIP.--511. + +The manner of Daniel Webster's engagement to Miss Fletcher is thus +pleasantly described by a letter writer:--"He was then a young lawyer. +At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had, probably with a +view of utility and enjoyment, been holding skeins of silk thread +for her, when suddenly he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have thus been +engaged in untying knots, let us see if we can tie a knot; one which +will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a piece of tape, and +after beginning a knot of a peculiar kind gave it her to complete. +This was the ceremony and ratification of their engagement. And now +in the little box marked by him with the words 'precious documents,' +containing the letters of his early courtship, this unique memorial is +still to be found--the knot never untied." + + +PRESENTED AT COURT.--512. + +An American who had returned from Europe, told his friend that he had +been presented at the court there. "Did you see the Queen?" asked one. +"Well, no, I didn't see her zacly, but I seed one of her friends--a +judge. Yer see," he continued, "the court I was presented at happened +to be the Central Criminal Court." + + +CRITICAL.--513. + +A Western critic, in speaking of a new play, says:--"The unities are +admirably observed; the dulness, which commences with the first act, +never flags for a moment until the curtain falls." + + +HARD FEATHERS.--514. + +An American sitting on a very hard seat in a railway carriage, said, +"Wal, they tell me these here cushions air stuffed with feathers. +They may have put the feathers in 'em, but darn me if _I don't think +they've left the fowls in too_!" + + +SNORING IN CHURCH.--515. + +The _Boston Bee_ contains the following polite hint:--"Deacon ---- is +requested not to commence snoring in church to-morrow morning until +after the commencement of the sermon, as several of the congregation +are anxious to hear the text." + + +PROFESSOR EVERETT AND JUDGE STORY.--516. + +Professor Everett, once the American ambassador to this country, was +entertained at a public dinner before leaving Boston. Judge Story gave +as a sentiment--"Genius is sure to be welcome where Ever-ett goes." +Everett responded--"Law, Equity, and Jurisprudence: no efforts can +raise them above one Story." + + +LOVE-LETTER INK.--517. + +An ingenious down-easter, who has invented a new kind of "love-letter +ink," which he has been selling as a safeguard against all actions +for breach of promise of marriage, in so much as it entirely fades +from the paper in two months after date, was recently "done brown" by +a brother down-easter, who purchased a hundred boxes of the article, +and gave him his note for 90 days. At the expiration of the time, the +ink inventor called for payment, but, on unfolding the scrip, found +nothing but a blank piece of paper. The note had been written with his +own ink. + + +A ROUGH BEDFELLOW.--518. + +A man in Arkansas had been drinking until a late hour at night, and +then started for home in a state of sweet obliviousness. Upon reaching +his own premises he was too far gone to discover any door to the +domicile he was wont to inhabit, and, therefore, laid himself down in +a shed which was a favourite rendezvous for swine. They happened to +be out when the new comer arrived, but soon returned to their bed. The +weather being rather cold, they, in the utmost kindness, and with the +truest hospitality, gave their biped companion the middle of the bed, +some lying on either side of him, and others acting the part of quilt. +Their warmth prevented him from being injured by exposure. Towards +morning he awoke. Finding himself comfortable, in blissful ignorance +of his whereabouts, he supposed himself enjoying the accommodation of +a tavern, in company with other gentlemen. He reached out his hand, +and catching hold of the stiff bristles of an old hog, exclaimed: +"Hallo, my good friend, you've got a deuce of a beard! When did you +shave last?" + + +NEW, IF NOT TRUE.--519. + +In one of the Northern States of America, according to +veracious authority, the pious young women established +an association which they styled "The Young Women's +Anti-young-men-waiting-at-the-church-doors-with-ulterior-objects +Society." (We suppose this must be founded on the model of "The +Anti-poking-your-nose-into-other-people's-business Society," in +London.) + + +TRUE, IF NOT NEW.--520. + +A burnt child hates the fire, but a man who has been singed by Cupid's +torch always has a sneaking kindness for the old flame. + + +CURING TWO AFFLICTIONS.--521. + +An American secretary of state had two afflictions--an obliging +doorkeeper and a pertinacious office-hunter. Day after day the +latter called, and the former was too polite to shut him out. The +secretary, when he could stand the nuisance no longer, said to the +doorkeeper: "Do you know what that man comes after?" "Yes," replied +the functionary, "an office, I suppose." "True, but do you know what +office?" "No." "Well, then, I'll tell you; he wants your office." The +bore was admitted no more. + + +PLAIN SPOKEN.--522. + +"Facts are stubborn things," said a lawyer to a female witness under +examination. The lady replied: "Yes, _sir-ee_, and so are women; +and if you get anything out of me just let me know it."--"You'll be +committed for contempt."--"Very well; I'll suffer justly, for I feel +the utmost contempt for every lawyer present." + + +POPPING THE QUESTION.--523. + +A bachelor, too poor to get married, yet too susceptible to let +the girls alone, was riding with a lady "all of a summer's day," +and accidentally--(men's arms, awkward things, are ever in the +way!)--dropped an arm round her waist. No objection was made for a +while, and the arm gradually relieved the side of the carriage of the +pressure upon it. But of a sudden, whether from a late recognition of +the impropriety of the thing, or the sight of another beau coming, +never was known, the lady started with volcanic energy, and with a +flashing eye exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"--"Capital," +was the instant reply, "you are just the girl I have been looking for +these five years--will you marry me?" + + +A GEM.--524. + +At a lecture of Bayard Taylor's a lady wished for a seat, when a +portly, handsome gentleman brought one, and seated her. "Oh, you're a +jewel," said she. "Oh, no," he replied, "I'm a jeweller--I have just +_set_ the jewel!" + + +THINGS I SHOULD LIKE TO SEE.--525. + +A fashionable bootmaker who was not "from Paris." + +A gentleman who was not a self-constituted inspector of ladies' +bonnet-linings. + +A male pedestrian divorced from his cane who knew what to do with his +hands. + +A man who could hold an umbrella properly over a lady's bonnet; or put +on her cloak, or shawl, without crushing her bonnet, or hair; or diet +himself when he was ailing; or take physic that did not "taste good;" +or be good-natured when he was sick, or had cut his chin in shaving, +or had to wait ten minutes for his dinner or breakfast; or who was +ever "refused" by a lady. + +A bachelor whose carpet did not wear out _first_ in front of the +looking-glass. + +A male author who could successfully counterfeit a feminine letter. + +An editor, or author, who did not feel nervous at the idea of +examining trunk-linings and parcel wrappers. + +A handsome child who did not grow up to be homely. + +A woman who was not _at heart_ inimical to her own sex. + +A married man who could give the right hand of fellowship to a wife's +old lover; or take a hint from the toe of her slipper, under the +table, before company. + +A milliner who could be bribed to make a bonnet to cover the head. + +A dressmaker who did not consider a "perfect fit" to consist in an +armour of whalebone and a breathless squeeze. + +A husband's relatives who could speak well of his wife. + +A doctor who had not more patients than he could attend to. + +A washerwoman who ever lost an article of clothing. + +A public speaker who did not search for the lost thread of his +discourse in the convenient tumbler of water at his elbow. + +A woman who would not feign to be "so fond of cigar-smoke," rather +than exile the smoker. + +An old maid who was not so from choice. + + FANNY FERN. + + +QUESTION FOR QUESTION.--526. + +Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of +atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by +another, "What is the _use_ of a new-born infant?" + + +THE YANKEE.--527. + + "No matter where his home may be-- + What flag may be unfurl'd! + He'll manage by some _cute_ device, + To _whittle_ through the world." + + --_Miss Allin's "Home Ballads."_ + + +TRUE POLITENESS.--528. + +Sir W. G., when Governor of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of +a negro who was passing. "Sir," said a gentleman, present, "do you +descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the Governor, "I +cannot suffer a man of his condition to _exceed_ me in _good manners_." + + +A "DISTANT" FRIEND.--529. + +Meeting a negro on the road, a traveller said: "You have lost some +of your friends, I see?" "Yes, massa." "Was it a _near_ or distant +relative?" "Well, purty distant--_'bout twenty-four mile_," was the +reply. + + +JONATHAN OF ALL TRADES.--530. + +The editor of the _Boston Daily Star_, in relinquishing his charge, +gave the following notice:--"Any one wishing corn hoed, gardens +weeded, wood sawed, coal pitched in, paragraphs written, or small +jobs done with despatch, and on reasonable terms, will please make +immediate application to the retiring editor." + + +MUCH VIRTUE IN AN "IF."--531. + +"If you can only get kit rid of them little failings" (blindness and +deafness), said one Yankee to another, "you'll find him all sorts of a +horse." + + +THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.--532. + +A Californian gold-digger, having become rich, desired a friend to +procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received +a letter of thanks thus worded:--"I am obliged to you for the pains +of your selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about +Paradise, by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a +Mr. Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything +more, be sure and send me their new works._" + + +ANSWERING AN ADVERTISEMENT.--533. + +A merchant advertising for a clerk, "who could bear confinement," +received an answer from one who had been ten years in the State prison! + + +THE LOVERS' LEAP.--534. + +Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady who, being +intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and +marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the +five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young +lady, she plunged into the sea head foremost. Four of the lovers +immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers +were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them +now, they are so wet?" "Take the _dry one_." And the young lady did, +and married him. + + +COMPLIMENTARY.--535. + +She was all sorts of a gal--there warn't a sprinklin' too much of her; +she had an eye that would make a fellow's heart try to get out of his +bosom; her step was as light as a panther's, and her breath sweet as a +prairie flower. + + +CUTTING.--536. + +General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a +handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before +a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in +creation." "Why, General?" "Because," replied Lee, "you are in love +with _yourself_, and you have not a _rival_ upon earth." + + +THE DARKIE'S WISH.--537. + + I wish de legislatur would set dis darkie free, + Oh! what a happy place den de darkie land would be + We'd have a darkie parliament, + An' darkie codes of law, + An' darkie judges on de bench, + Darkie barristers and aw. + + +POOR PREACHING AND POOR PAY.--538. + +"John, what do you do for a living?"--"Oh, me preach."--"Preach, and +do you get paid for it?"--"Sometimes me get a shilling, sometimes two +shillings."--"And isn't that mighty poor pay?"--"Oh, yes, but it's +mighty poor preaching." + + +A TRUMP CARD.--539. + +There was a very large family of Cards wunst at Slickville. They +were mostly in the stage-coach and livery-stable line, and careless, +reckless sort of people. So one day Squire Zenas Card had a +christenin' at his house. Says the minister, "What shall I call the +child?"--"Pontius Pilate," said he.--"I can't," said the minister, +"and I won't. No soul ever heard of such a name for a Christian since +baptism came in fashion."--"I am sorry for that," said the squire, +"for it's a mighty pretty name. I heard it once in church, and I +thought if ever I had a son I'd call him after him; but if I can't +have that--and it's a dreadful pity--call him Trump;" and he was +christened "Trump Card."--_Sam Slick._ + + +TIMELY WARNING.--540. + +A Yankee editor thus confesses to have had dealings with Satan, for +the good of his readers, of course:--I was sitting in my study, when +I heard a knock at the door. "Come in," said I; when the door opened, +and who should walk in but--Satan! "How d'ye do?" said he.--"Pretty +well," said I.--"What are you about? preparing your leader?"--"Yes," +said I.--"Ah! I dare say you think you are doing a great deal of +good?"--"Well," said I, "not so much as I could wish; but a little +good, I hope."--"You have a large lot of readers," said he.--"Well, +pretty well for that," said I.--"And I dare say you are very proud of +them," said Satan.--"No," said I, "that I am not, for not one-third of +them pay for their papers!"--"You don't say so!" said he.--"Yes, that +I do," said I; "not one-third of them pay for their papers!"--"Well," +said he, "then they are an immoral lot; but let me have the list, I +think I can do a trifle myself with such people." + + +HABITUAL THIRST.--541. + +A soldier on trial for habitual drunkenness was addressed by the +president--"Prisoner, you have heard the prosecution for habitual +drunkenness, what have you to say in defence?" "Nothing, please your +honour, but habitual thirst." + + +STONING STEPHEN.--542. + +The _Buffalo Democracy_ narrates this story of one of the miniature +men, vulgarly called children:--"A teacher in a Sunday-school +in R---- was examining a class of little boys from a Scripture +catechism. The first question was, 'Who stoned Stephen?'--_Answer_: +'The Jews.'--Second question: 'Where did they stone him?'--'Beyond +the limits of the city.'--The third question: 'Why did they take +him beyond the limits of the city?' was not in the book, and proved +a poser to the whole class; it passed from head to foot without +an answer being attempted. At length a little fellow who had been +scratching his head all the while looked up, and said, 'Well, I don't +know, unless it was to get _a fair fling at him_!'" + + +VIRGINIAN ELOQUENCE.--543. + +Mr. Wise, of Virginia, in a late speech, is reported to have said +respecting that State, "She has an iron chain of mountains running +through her centre, which God has placed there to milk the clouds, +and be the source of her silver rivers." The _Rochester American_ +remarks--"The figure is borrowed from the New York milkmen, who milk +the clouds as much as they do their cows, and draw from the former the +most palatable and healthful portion of the compound fluid." + + +YANKEE FACTORY GIRLS.--544. + +In one of the factories in Maine the proprietor recently reduced the +wages, whereupon there was a general determination to "strike;" and +as the girls were obliged to give a month's notice before quitting +work, they have meanwhile issued a circular to the world at large, in +which is the following interesting paragraph:--"We are now working +out our notice, and shall soon be without employment; can turn our +hands to 'most anything; don't like to be idle--but determined not +to work for nothing when folks can afford to pay. Who wants help? We +can make bonnets, dresses, puddings, pies, and cakes, patch, darn, +and knit, roast, stew, and fry; make butter and cheese, milk cows and +feed chickens, and hoe corn; sweep out the kitchen, put the parlour to +rights, make beds, split wood, kindle fires, wash and iron, besides +being remarkably fond of babies; in fact, can do anything the most +accomplished housewife is capable of--not forgetting the scoldings +on Mondays and Saturdays. For specimens of spirit we refer you to +our overseer. Speak quick. Black eyes, fair foreheads, clustering +locks, beautiful as a Hebe, can sing like a seraph, and smile most +bewitchingly. An elderly gentleman in want of a housekeeper, or a nice +young man in want of a wife--willing to sustain any character; in +fact, we are in the market. Who bids? Going--going--gone! Who's the +lucky man?" + + +FALLING IN LOVE.--545. + +If you want a son not to fall in love with any splenderiferous gal, +praise her up to the skies, call her an angel, say she is a whole team +and horse to spare, and all that. The moment the crittur sees her he +is a little grain disappointed, and says, "Well, she is handsome, +that's a fact; but she is not so very, very everlastin' after all." +Nothin' damages a gal, a preacher, or a lake, like overpraise. A hoss +is one of the onliest things in natur' that is helpet by it.--_Sam +Slick._ + + +DULL MEMBERS.--546. + +"I rise for information," said one of the dullest of the members +of the American Legislature.--"I am very glad to hear it," said +one, who was leaning over the bar; "for no man wants it more than +yourself." Another member rose to speak on the bill to abolish capital +punishments, and commenced by saying, "Mr. Speaker, the generality +of mankind in general are disposed to exercise oppression on the +generality of mankind in general." "You had better stop," said one, +who was sitting near enough to pull him by the coat-tail; "you had +better stop, you are coming out of the same hole you went in at." + + +HEADY.--547. + +A New York paper says that a man the morning after he has been drunk +with wine feels as though he had the rheumatism in every hair of his +head. + + +SAM SLICK'S GEOLOGY.--548. + +The clockmaker says: "I never heard of secondary formations without +pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you know, are the secondary +formations, for they were formed after man." + + +POLITICS.--549. + +Politics is nothing more nor less than a race for a prize, a game for +the stakes, a battle for the spoils.--_Dow's Sermons._ + + +GOOD EYESIGHT.--550. + +A man down East, describing the prevalence of duelling, summed up +with: "They even fight with daggers in a room _pitch dark_." "Is it +possible?" was the reply. "_Possible_, sir!" returned the Yankee, +"_why I've seen them_." + + +A KNOWING CONTRABAND.--551. + +"Bob," now called Belmont Bob, is the body servant of General +Clernard, and at the battle of Belmont it is said of him that when +the retreat commenced he started for the boats. Reaching the banks, +he dismounted, and slid rapidly down, when an officer, seeing the +action, called out: "Stop, you rascal, and bring along the horse." +Merely looking up as he waded to the plank through the mud, the darky +replied: "Can't 'bey, colonel; major told me to save the most valuable +property, and dis nigger's worf mor'n a horse." + + +GENERAL GRANT.--552. + +When the North American General Grant was about twelve years old, his +father sent him a few miles into the country to buy a horse from a man +named Ralston. The old man told his son to offer Ralston 50 dollars +at first; if he wouldn't take that, to offer 55 dollars, and to go as +high as 60 dollars, if no less would make the purchase. The embryotic +major-general started off with these instructions fully impressed +upon his mind. He called upon Mr. Ralston, and told him he wished to +buy the horse. "How much did your father tell you to give for him?" +was the very natural inquiry from the owner of the steed. "Why," said +young Grant, "he told me to offer you 50 dollars, and if that wouldn't +do to give you 55 dollars, and if you wouldn't take less than 60 +dollars to give you that." Of course, 60 dollars was the lowest figure +at which the horse could be parted with. + + +SNIP.--553. + +A tailor from Nantucket exclaimed, on first beholding the Falls of +Niagara, "What an almighty fine place to sponge a coat in!" + + +BACKWOODS CONVERSATION.--554. + +What is the land? Bogs.--The atmosphere? Fogs.--What did you live on? +Hogs.--What were your draught animals? Dogs.--Any fish in the ponds? +Frogs.--What did you find the women? Clogs.--What map did you travel +by? Mogg's. + + +NO VICES.--555. + +Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and +complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking. +"That is a doubtful compliment," answered the President; "I recollect +once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me +offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing; smoked +for some time; and then grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks +who have no vices have plaguey few virtues.'" + + +"FIRE AT THE CRISIS."--556. + +During one of the battles on the Mississippi, between General Grant's +forces and General Pillow's soldiers, the latter officer called out to +a Capt. Duncan, in his usual pompous, solemn manner: "Captain Duncan, +fire! the crisis has come." Duncan, without saying a word, turned to +his men, who were standing by their guns already shotted and primed, +and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were slightly surprised at +the order, there being no particular object within range, when an old +grey-headed Irish sergeant stepped up with "Plaze, yer honour, what +shall we fire at?" "Fire at the crisis," said Duncan. "Didn't you hear +the general say it had come?" + + +A SHREWD NIGGER.--557. + +"Why don't you enlist, Ginger?" asked a white patriot of a negro. +"Wal, mas'r," replied the contraband, "did yever see two dogs fightin' +for a bone?" "Certainly, Ginger." "Wal, did yever see de bone fight?" +"Not I." "Wal, mas'r, you'se both a fightin', and Ginger's de bone, +an' he's not gwine to fight in this hyar difficulmty." + + +AN AMERICAN "HELP."--558. + +The following amusing description of an American servant we extract +from a letter from New York:--An American "help" is no menial. She is +spoken of, not satirically, but in simple good faith, as "the young +lady" who "picks up" the house and "fixes" the dinner-table. Before +she agrees to enter a family she cross-examines her mistress as to +whether the house is provided with Hecker's flour, and Berbe's range; +brass pails; oil-cloth on the stairs; and hot and cold water laid on. +Then she states the domestic "platform" on which she is prepared to +act. "Monday I bakes; and nobody speaks to me. Tuesday I washes; I'se +to be let alone. Wednesday I irons; you'd best let me be that day. +Thursday I picks up the house; I'm awful ugly that day in temper, but +affectionate. Friday I bakes again. Saturday my beau comes. And Sunday +I has to myself." The "help," I repeat, is a young lady. She attends +lectures, and may some day become a member of a Woman's Rights' +Convention; and it is because she is a young lady, and the persons +who require her assistance do not choose to run the risk of being +driven raving mad by her perversity and her impertinence, that so many +married couples in the United States never venture on housekeeping for +themselves, but live from year's end to year's end in uproarious and +comfortless hotels. + + +GERMAN WINES.--559. + +The _Philadelphia Gazette_ assures its readers that some of the German +wines are as sour as vinegar, and as rough as a file. It is remarked +of the wines of Stuttgard, says this authority, that one is like a cat +scampering down your throat headforemost, and another is like drawing +the same cat back again by its tail. + + +THE GENERAL NO PATTERN.--560. + +A private one day lumbered into the presence of General Thomas and +asked for furlough, adding: "General, I wish to go home to see my +wife." "How long is it since you have seen your wife?" inquired the +General. "Why," answered the soldier, "I have not seen my wife for +over three months." "Three months!" remarked General Thomas, "why, +I haven't seen my wife for over three years!" "Well, that may be," +rejoined the other, "but you see, General, me and my wife ain't of +that sort." The private got his furlough after that rub. + + +IT FOLLOWS.--561. + +A Yankee pedlar with his cart, overtaking another of his class on +the road, was thus addressed: "Hallo, what do you carry?" "Drugs and +medicines," was the reply. "Good," returned the other, "you may go +ahead; I carry grave-stones." + + +JOSHUA BILLINGS ON HORSES.--562. + +Pedigree iz not important for a fast-trotten' hoss; if he kan trot +fast, never mind the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men even +who ain't got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in drivin' a trotten' +hoss; just hold him back hard, and holler him ahead hard, that's awl. +A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the birchin +brakes. Kuller is no kriterior. I have seen awful mean hosses of all +kullers, except green. I never seed a mean one of this kuller. Hosses +live tew an honorabil old age. I often seen them that appeared fully +prepared for deth. Heathens are awlus kind to hosses; it is among +Christian people that a hoss haz to trot three mile heats in a hot +day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny. + + +AMERICAN CURIOSITY.--563. + +"You're from down East, I guess?" said a sharp, nasal voice behind +me. This was a supposition first made in the Portland cars, when I +was at a loss to know what distinguishing and palpable peculiarity +marked me as a "down-easter." Better informed now, I replied, "I +am."--"Going West?" "Yes."--"Travelling alone?" "No."--"Was you raised +down East?" "No, in the Old Country."--"In the little old island? +Well, you're kinder glad to leave it, I guess? Are you a widow?" +"No."--"Are you travelling on business?" "No."--"What business do you +follow?" "None."--"Well, now, what are you travelling for?" "Health +and pleasure."--"Well, now, I guess you're pretty considerable rich. +Coming to settle out West, I suppose?" "No, I'm going back at the end +of the fall."--"Well, now, if that's not a pretty tough hickory-nut! I +guess you Britishers are the queerest critturs as ever was raised!" + + +YANKEE INQUISITIVENESS.--564. + +One of the last stories of Yankee inquisitiveness makes the victim +give his tormentor a direct cut, in telling him he wished to be asked +no further questions. The inquisitor fell back a moment to take +breath, and change his tactics. The half-suppressed smile on the +faces of the other passengers soon aroused him to further exertions; +and, summoning up more resolution, he then began again. "Stranger, +perhaps you are not aware how mighty hard it is for a Yankee to +control his curiosity. You'll please excuse me, but I really would +like to know your name and residence, and the business you follow. +I expect you ain't ashamed of either of 'em, so now won't you just +obleedge me?" This appeal brought out the traveller, who, rising up +to the extremest height allowed by the coach, and throwing back his +shoulders, replied: "My name is General Andrew Washington. I reside in +the State of Mississipi. I am a gentleman of leisure, and, I am glad +to be able to say, of extensive means. I have heard much of New York, +and I am on my way to see it; and, if I like it as well as I am led to +expect, _I intend to--buy it_." Then was heard a shout of stentorian +laughter throughout the stage-coach, and this was the last of that +conversation. + + +THE AMENDE HONOURABLE.--565. + +A Pennsylvania paper contains the subjoined _amende honourable_, +which ought to satisfy any reasonable being:--"AMENDE +HONOURABLE:--We yesterday spoke of Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut +Street Theatre, as a 'thing.' Mr. H. having complained of our remark, +we willingly retract, and here state that Mr. Hamilton, of the Chesnut +Street Theatre, is _no-thing_." + + +YANKEE PORTRAIT OF JOHN BULL.--566. + +An American writer says: "John Bull is altogether too superfluous and +clumsy; his proportions want regulating; his belly is too protuberant; +his neck too thick; his feet too spreading; his hands too large and +podgy; his lips too spongy and everted; his cheeks too pendulous; his +nose too lobular, blunt, and bottle-like; his expression altogether +too beef-eating. In a word, according to our taste, John Bull won't +do, and must be done over again. The American is an Englishman +without his caution, his reserve, his fixed habits, his cant, and his +stolidity." + + +A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.--567. + +A St. Louis paper informs its readers that the anthracite coal, found +lately in Missouri, looks like coal, feels like coal, and smells like +coal; all the difference is that coal burns, and that will not. + + +HALF GUILTY.--568. + +A man was on trial for _entering_ a house in Philadelphia in the night +time, with intent to steal. The testimony was clear that he had made +an opening sufficiently large to admit the upper part of his body, and +through which he protruded himself about half way, and, stretching +out his arm, committed the theft. Mr. Obfusticate Brief addressed the +jury. "What an outrage (looking horrified, and with outstretched and +trembling arms)! I repeat, what an outrage upon your common sense it +is for the State's Attorney to ask at your hands the conviction of my +client on such testimony! The law is against _entering_ a house, and +can a man be said to _enter_ a house when only _one-half_ of his body +is _in_, and the other half _out_?" The jury brought in a verdict of +"guilty," as to one-half of his body, from his waist up, and "not +guilty" as to the other half! The judge sentenced the guilty half to +one year's imprisonment, leaving it to the prisoner's option to have +the innocent half cut off, or to take it along with him. + + +THE OTHER IMPEDIMENT.--569. + +A handsome young pedlar made love to a buxom widow in Pennsylvania. +He accompanied his declaration with an allusion to two impediments +to their union. "Name them," said the widow. "The want of means to +set up a retail store." They parted, and the widow sent the pedler a +cheque for ample means. When they met again the pedler had hired and +stocked his store, and the smiling fair one begged to know the other +impediment. "_I have a wife already._" + + +WONDERFUL, IF TRUE.--570. + +A Western hunter and his brother spent a year in and about the Rocky +Mountains. They had two rifles, one bullet, and one keg of powder. +With these, he says, they killed on an average 27 head of buffaloes +a day. The fact that they did all this with one bullet led to the +following cross question:--"How did you kill all these buffaloes with +only one bullet?" "Listen, and I'll explain," said the hunter. "We +shot a buffalo; I stood on one side, and my brother on the other. +Brother fired; the ball passed into the barrel of my rifle. The next +time, I fired, and brother caught my ball in his rifle. We kept up the +hunt for twelve months, killing nearly 200 buffaloes per week, and yet +brought home the same ball we started with." + + +JONATHAN'S GUESS.--571. + +A "notion seller" was offering Yankee clocks highly varnished and +coloured, and with a looking-glass in front, to a certain lady not +remarkable for personal beauty. "Why, it's beautiful," said the +vendor. "Beautiful, indeed! a look at it almost frightens me!" said +the lady. "Then, marm," replied Jonathan, "I guess you'd better buy +one that han't got no looking-glass." + + +SURE OF IT.--572. + +A coloured individual in New York, who was hit on the side of his head +by a rotten tomato which a mischievous boy threw at him, placed his +hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid upon it that he supposed +was blood, dropped upon the pathway, and exclaimed in the anguish of +his heart, "I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!" + + +PICTURE-DEALING.--573. + +A Boston paper contains this advertisement:--"A great bargain. To +all who may enclose one dollar I will send, post paid, a finely-cut +engraved portrait of George Washington, the Father of his Country, +together with an elegant portrait of Benjamin Franklin. Either +separately at four shillings. Address, H. C. C., ---- Street, +Boston." The fellow actually sent back a three-cent and a one-cent +postage-stamp, ornamented with the finely-engraved heads! + + +STRETCH OF IMAGINATION.--574. + +Ike Johnstone was down to de ingia-rubber store last week, and he +asked me to talk wid de man behind de counter, while he could steal +a pair ob suspenders. So he took hold ob a pair by de end and stowed +dem away down in his pocket, and went out widout unhooken em from de +nail dey was hangin' on; and when he got home he was showin' em to de +old woman, and as he was passin' em ober to her, dey slipp'd fro his +fingers, and flew back to de store wid such force dat dey busted in de +sash, killed de clerk, and knocked all de money out ob de draw. + + +ADVICE TO DOCTORS.--575. + +Have you heard of the Bowery boy who, being cut short in a hard +life by a sore disease which quickly brought him to death's door, +was informed by his physician that medicine could do nothing for +him. "What's my chances, doctor?"--"Not worth speaking of." "One in +twenty?"--"Oh, no." "In thirty?"--"No." "Fifty?"--"I think not." "A +hundred?"--"Well, perhaps there may be one in a hundred." "I say, +then, doctor," pulling him close down, and whispering with feeble +earnestness in his ear, "jest go in like all thunder on that one +chance." The doctor "went in," and the patient recovered. + + +SETTING THE TIME.--576. + +A close-fisted old farmer had a likely daughter, whose opening charms +attracted the attention of a certain young man. After some little +manoeuvring, he ventured to open a courtship. On the first night of +his appearance in the parlour, the old man, after dozing in his chair +until nine o'clock, arose, and putting a log of wood on the fire, said +as he left the room, "There, Nancy, when that log of wood burns out it +is time for James to go home." + + +REMARKABLY SOCIABLE.--577. + +Governor Powell, of Kentucky, was once a great favourite. He never +was an orator, but his conversational, story-telling, and social +qualities were remarkable. His great forte lay in establishing a +personal intimacy with every one he met, and in this he was powerful +in electioneering. He chewed immense quantities of tobacco, but never +carried the weed himself, and was always begging it from every one +he met. His residence was in Henderson, and in coming up the Ohio, +past that place, I overheard the following characteristic anecdote +of Lazarus:--A citizen of Henderson coming on board, fell into +conversation with a passenger, who made some inquiries about Powell. +"Lives in your place, I believe, don't he?"--"Yes; one of our oldest +citizens." "Very sociable man, ain't he?"--"Remarkably so." "Well, I +thought so. I think he is one of the most sociable men I ever met in +all my life. Wonderfully sociable! I was introduced to him over at +Grayson Springs, last summer, and he hadn't been with me ten minutes +when he begged all the tobacco I had, got his feet up in my lap, and +spit all over me! Re-mark-a-bly sociable!" + + +THE HOUSE THAT JEFF. BUILT.--578. + +The _Hartford Post_ says:-- + +The following history of the celebrated edifice erected by J. Davis, +Esq., is authentic. It was written for the purpose of giving infant +politicians a clear, concise, and truthful description of the +habitation, and the fortunes, and misfortunes, and doings of the +inmates:-- + +I. THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY.--That is the house that Jeff. +built. + +II. THE ETHIOPIAN.--This is the malt that lay in the house +that Jeff. built. + +III. THE UNDERGROUND RAILROAD.--This is the rat that eat the +malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. + +IV. THE FUGITIVE SLAVE LAW.--This is the cat that killed the +rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. + +V. THE PERSONAL LIBERTY BILL.--This is the dog that worried +the cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house +that Jeff. built. + +VI. CHIEF JUSTICE TANEY.--This is the cow with crumpled horn +that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat +the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. + +VII. JAMES BUCHANAN.--This is the maiden all forlorn that +milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the +cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that +Jeff. built. + +VIII. C. CESH.--This is the man all tattered and torn that +married the maiden all forlorn that milked the cow with crumpled horn +that tossed the dog that worried the cat that killed the rat that eat +the malt that lay in the house that Jeff. built. + +IX. PLUNDER.--This is the priest all shaven and shorn that +married the man all tattered and torn to the maiden all forlorn that +milked the cow with crumpled horn that tossed the dog that worried the +cat that killed the rat that eat the malt that lay in the house that +Jeff. built. + + +PUZZLED.--579. + +At the Sutter House, Sacramento, a New Yorker, newly arrived, was +lamenting his condition, and his folly in leaving an abundance at +home, and especially two beautiful daughters, who were just budding +into womanhood, when he asked the other if he had a family. "Yes, +Sir, I have a wife and six children in New York, and I never saw one +of them." After this reply, the couple sat a few minutes in silence, +and then the interrogator again commenced. "Were you ever blind, +Sir?"--"No, Sir." "Did you marry a widow, Sir?"--"No, Sir." Another +lapse of silence. "Did I understand you to say, Sir, that you had a +wife and six children living in New York, and had never seen one of +them?"--"Yes, Sir, I so stated it." Another and a longer pause of +silence. The interrogator again enquired--"How can it be, Sir, that +you never saw one of them?" "Why," was the response, "_one_ of them +was born after I left." "Oh, ah!" and a general laugh followed. After +that, the first New Yorker was especially distinguished as the man who +has six children and never saw one of them. + + +THE PAPER COLLARS.--580. + +It is said the Southerns captured at Mansfield two waggons loaded +with paper collars, and that General Dick Taylor returned the collars +through a flag of truce, with a letter to General Banks, in which the +facetious rebel said:--"I have boiled, baked, and stewed these things, +and can do nothing with them. We cannot eat them. They are a luxury +for which we have no use, and I would like, therefore, to exchange +them for a like quantity of hard tack." The joke is a good one, and +has convulsed the Western boys, who have no great admiration for the +"Liberator of Louisiana." When the Western troops passed General +Banks's head-quarters, coming into Alexandria, they groaned, jeered, +and called aloud, "How about those paper collars?" + + +CAUSE AND EFFECT.--581. + +Many of the United States papers give with every death they announce +the name of the physician who attended the defunct. The following +specimen, from a New Orleans journal, will show the business-like +manner in which the matter is gone about:--"Died, at his house in +Cotton Street, Jonathan Smith, storekeeper. He was a well-doing +citizen, and deservedly respected. His wife carries on the store. +Gregson physician." The name of the doctor renders the affair complete. + + +PROFIT AND LOSS.--582. + +The keeper of a groggery in New York happened one day to break one +of his tumblers. He stood for a moment looking at the fragments, +reflecting on his loss; and then turning to his assistant, he cried +out, "Tom, put a quart of water into that old Cognac." + + +THE "NAYGERS."--583. + +When the question of the enlistment of the negroes in the Northern +army was first mooted, the following song made its appearance, and +became very popular. It is supposed to be written by one Miles +O'Reilly, a private soldier in the Army of the Potomac. Miles is +altogether an imaginary personage, and is represented by his clever +inventors as the typical Hibernian soldier of the war. The song is +sung to the Irish air of the "Low-backed Car":-- + + "Some tell us 'tis a burning shame + To make the naygers fight, + And that the thrade of being kilt + Belongs but to the white; + But as for me, upon my sowl-- + So liberal are we here-- + I'll let Sambo be murther'd instead of myself + On every day in the year. + On every day in the year, boys, + And in every hour of the day, + The right to be killt I'll divide wid him, + And divil a word I'll say. + + "In battle's wild commotion + I shouldn't at all object + If Sambo's body should stop a ball + That was coming for me direct. + And the prod of a Southern bagnet-- + So generous are we here-- + I'll resign, and let Sambo take it + On every day in the year. + So hear me, all boys, darlins, + Don't think I'm tippin' you chaff, + The right to be killt we'll divide wid him, + And give him the largest half." + + +PICKLED ELEPHANT.--584. + +Old Rowe kept a hotel in the northern part of York State, which +he boasted was the best in those parts; where, as he used to say, +you could get anything that was ever made to eat. One day in came +a Yankee. He sent his horse round to the stable, and stepping up +to the bar, asked old Rowe what he could give him for dinner. +"Anything, Sir," said old Rowe; "anything from a pickled elephant +to a canary-bird's tongue." "Wal," says the Yankee, eyeing Rowe, "I +guess I'll take a piece of pickled elephant." Out bustles Howe into +the dining-room, leaving our Yankee friend nonplussed at his gravity. +Presently he comes back again. "Well, we've got 'em; got 'em all +ready, right here in the house; but you'll have to take a whole 'un, +'cause we never cut 'em." The Yankee thought he would take some cod +fish and potatoes. + + +SAME DRUNK.--585. + +A gentleman, finding his servant intoxicated, said, "What, drunk +again, Sam? I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you +are drunk again." "No, massa; same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied +Sambo. + + +CATCHING.--586. + +"Jem, you've been drinking." "No, I haven't; I've been looking at +another man drinking, and it was too much for me." + + +TO MAKE LEECHES BITE.--587. + +If the leech will not bite, bind him apprentice to a broker for a +week, and his teeth will become so sharp that he will bite through the +bottom of a brass kettle. + + +LACONIC.--588. + +"Hillo, master," said a Yankee to a teamster, who appeared in +something of a hurry, "What time is it?--Where are you going?--How +deep is the creek?--And what is the price of the butter?" "Past one, +almost two--home--waist deep--and elevenpence," was the reply. + + +AIDS TO MEMORY.--589. + +A paper publishes a story in which it is stated that a man who came +very near drowning had a wonderful recollection of every event which +had occurred during his life. There are a _few_ of our subscribers +whom we would recommend to practice bathing in deep water. + + +SIMMONS ON LIFE.--590. + +"What is the use of living?" asked Jack Simmons the other day. "We +are flogged for crying when we are babies, flogged because the master +is cross when we are boys, obliged to toil, sick or well, or starve, +when we are men, to toil still harder when we are husbands, and after +exhausting life and strength in the service of other people, die, and +leave our children to quarrel about the possession of father's watch, +and our wives to catch somebody else." + + +CUTE EXPEDIENT.--591. + +There was a law in Boston against smoking in the street. A down-easter +strutted about the city one day, puffing at a cigar. Up walked the +constable. "Guess your smokin'," he said. "You'll pay two dollars, +stranger." "I ain't smokin'," was the quick response, "try the weed +yourself; it ain't alight." The constable took a pull at the cigar, +and out came a long puff of white smoke. "Guess you'll pay _me_ two +dollars," said the down-easter, quietly. "Wal," replied the constable, +"I calc'late you're considerable sharp. S'pose we liquor." + + +A MILD ASSERTION.--592. + +This is to certify that I have always been bald, and have used up a +barrel of common hair-dye. I accidentally heard of your Invigorator, +and purchased a bottle, and carried it home in my overcoat pocket. +The pocket was full of hair when I got home! I took the bottle and +held it in the sun, when the shadow fell on my head. A thick head of +chestnut-coloured hair grew out in thirty minutes by the watch, all +curled and perfumed. Send me twenty bottles by return mail. + + +FRIENDLY NOTICE.--593. + +The editor of the _Florence Inquirer_ gives the following notice to +one of his friends--"The gentleman who took out of our library the +number of _Graham's Magazine_, is respectfully invited to call again +in about two weeks and get the number for August." + + +TIPPING THEM LATIN.--594. + +Andrew Jackson was once making a stump speech out West in a small +village. Just as he was concluding amen, Kendall, who sat behind +him, whispered, "Tip 'em a little Latin, General; they won't be +content without it." The man of iron instantly thought upon a few +phrases he knew, and in a voice of thunder he wound up his speech by +exclaiming--"_E pluribus unum--sine qua non--ne plus ultra--multum in +parvo_." The effect was tremendous, and the Hoosier's shouts could be +heard for miles. + + +A SOLID REASON.--595. + +A distinguished Southern gentleman, dining at a New York hotel, was +annoyed at a negro servant continually waiting upon him, and desired +him one day at dinner to retire. "Excuse me, Sir," said Cuffy, drawing +himself up, "but I'se 'sponsible for de silver." + + +SQUASHED.--596. + +A romantic youth, promenading in a fashionable street in New York, +picked up a thimble. He stood awhile, meditating upon the probable +beauty of the owner, when he pressed it to his lips, saying, "Oh, +that it were the fair cheek of the wearer!" Just as he had finished, +a stout, elderly negress looked out of an upper window, and said, +"Massa, jist please to bring dat fimble of mine in de entry--I jist +drapt it." + + +BRIGHT AND BLUE.--597. + +I met her in the sunset bright, her gingham gown was blue; her eyes, +that danced with pure delight, were of the same dear hue. And always +when the sun goes down, I think of the girl in the gingham gown. + + +OYSTERS.--598. + +A man seeing an oyster vendor pass by, called out, "Give me a pound +of oysters!" "We sell oysters by measure, not by weight," replied the +other. "Well," said he, "give me a yard of them." + + +ABSTRACTION.--599. + +An editor at a dinner-table being asked if he would take some pudding, +replied in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter we +are unable to find room for it." + + +MODERN DEFINITIONS NOT FOUND IN ANY OF THE ANCIENT DICTIONARIES.--600. + +_Hard Times._--Sitting on a cold grindstone and reading the +President's message. + +_Love._--A little world within itself intimately connected with shovel +and tongs. + +_Genteel Society._--A place where the rake is honoured and the +moralist condemned. + +_Poetry._--A bottle of ink thrown over a sheet of foolscap. + +_Politician._--A fellow that culls all his knowledge from borrowed +newspapers. + +_Patriot._--A man who has neither property nor reputation to lose. + +_Independence._--Owing fifty thousand dollars which you never intend +to pay. + +_Lovely Woman._--An article manufactured by milliners. + + "One wants but little here below, + And wants that little for a _show_." + + +FIRM FOUNDATION.--601. + +The editor of the _Albany Express_ says, the only reason why his +dwelling was not blown away in a late storm was because there was a +heavy mortgage on it. + + +GALLANT CORRECTION.--602. + +An American agricultural society offers premiums to farmers' +daughters--"girls under twenty-one years of age," who shall exhibit +the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That's all right," +says a New York paper, "save the insinuation that some girls are over +twenty-one years of age." + + +HARD HEARING.--603. + +We know a man down East whose hearing is so hard that he broke it up +and sold it for gun-flints. + + +YANKEE MODESTY.--604. + +I cannot bear egotism. I never like to praise myself; but, humanly +speaking, I can double up any two men in these diggings, take the bark +off a tree by looking at it, and bore a hole through a board fence +with my eye. But I don't praise myself. I leave others to give my +character. + + +A REBUKE.--605. + +A Yankee, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured +General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said +Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look +back." + + +MONSTER PUNCH-BOWL.--606. + +A Kentuckian, on hearing praised the Rutland Punch-bowl, which on the +christening of the young Marquis was built so large that a small boat +was actually set sailing upon it, in which a boy sat, who laddled out +the liquor, exclaimed, "I guess I've seen a bowl that 'ud beat that to +smash; for, at my brother's christening, the bowl was so deep, that +when we young'uns said it warn't sweet enough, father sent a man down +in a diving-bell to stir up the sugar at the bottom." + + +LONG LIVERS.--607. + +The people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so +old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive +who can remember it for them. + + +REMARKABLE SKIPPER.--608. + +It is said that there is a skipper in New York who has crossed the +Atlantic so often that he knows every wave by sight. + + +YOUTH INDIGNANT.--609. + +A lad was subpoenaed as a witness in one of the American courts. +The judge said, "Put the boy upon evidence," upon hearing which young +America exclaimed, "Who are you calling a boy? W'e chewed baccy these +two years." + + +DANIEL WEBSTER.--610. + +The _Salem Register_ tells this good story. Daniel Webster was once +standing in company with several other gentlemen in the Capitol at +Washington, as a drove of mules were going past. "Webster," said one +of the Southern gentlemen, "there go some of your constituents." +"Yes," instantly replied Mr. Webster, "they are going South to teach +school." + + +THANKS TO HIS HENS.--611. + +A man in Missouri planted some beans late one afternoon, and next +morning they were _up_--thanks to his hens. + + +CONFIDENCE NECESSARY.--612. + +The _Boston Post_ says--"All that is necessary for the enjoyment of +sausages is _confidence_." + + +PAINFUL NECESSITY.--613. + +During the long drought of last summer, an American paper says, water +became so scarce in a certain parish that the farmers' wives were +obliged to send their milk to town genuine. + + +ANSWERED AT ONCE.--614. + +An American clergyman, preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the +price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily +from a sound sleep, and cried out lustily, "Seven and sixpence a +dozen." + + +MORE COPY.--615. + +Once in autumn, wet and dreary, sat this writer, weak and weary, +pondering over a memorandum book of items used before--book of +scrawling head notes, rather; items taking days to gather them in hot +and sultry weather, using up much time and leather, pondered we those +times o'er. While we conned them, slowly rocking (through our mind +queer ideas flocking) came a quick and nervous knocking--knocking at +our sanctum door. "Sure, that must be Jinks," we muttered--"Jinks +that's knocking at our door; Jinks, the everlasting bore." Ah, well +do we remind us, in the walls which then confined us, the "exchanges," +lay behind us, and before us, and around us, all scattered o'er the +floor. Thought we, "Jinks wants to borrow some papers till to-morrow, +and 'twill be relief from sorrow to get rid of Jinks the bore, by +opening wide the door." Still the visitor kept knocking--knocking +louder than before. And the scattered piles of papers, cut some rather +curious capers, being lifted by the breezes coming through another +door; and we wished (the wish was evil, for one deemed always civil) +that Jinks was to the d----l, to stay there evermore; there to find +his level--Jinks the nerve-unstringing bore. Bracing up our patience +firmer, then, without another murmur, "Mr. Jinks," said we, "your +pardon, your forgiveness we implore. But the fact is, we were reading +of some curious proceeding, and thus it was, unheeding your loud +knocking there before." Here we opened wide the door. But phancy now +our pheelins--for it wasn't Jinks the bore--Jinks, nameless, evermore! +But the form that stood before us, caused a trembling to come o'er +us, and memory quickly bore us back again to days of yore--days when +items were in plenty, and where'er this writer went he picked up +interesting items by the score. 'Twas the form of our "devil," in an +attitude uncivil; and he thrust his head within the open door, with +"The foreman's _out o' copy_, sir--he says he wants some more!" Yes, +like Alexander, wanted "more." Now this "local" had already walked +about till nearly dead--he had sauntered through the city till his +feet were very sore--and walked through the street called Market, and +the byways running off into the portions of the city, both public +and obscure; had examined store and cellar, and had questioned every +"feller" whom he met from door to door, if anything was stirring--any +accident occurring--not published heretofore--and he had met with +no success; he would rather guess he felt a little wicked at that +ugly little bore, with the message from the foreman that he wanted +"something more." "Now, it's time you were departing, you scamp!" +cried we, upstarting. "Get you back into your office--office where you +were before--or the words that you have spoken will get your bones all +broken;" (and we seized a cudgel, oaken--that was lying on the floor); +"take your hands out of your pockets, and leave the sanctum door; tell +the foreman there's no copy, you ugly little bore." Quoth the devil, +"send him more." And our devil, never sitting, still is flitting, +still is flitting, back and forth upon the landing, just outside the +sanctum door. Tears adown his cheeks are streaming--strange light from +his eye is beaming--and his voice is heard, still crying, "Sir, the +foreman wants some more." And our soul pierced with the screaming, is +awakened from its dreaming, and has lost the peaceful feeling; for +the fancy will come o'er us, that each reader's face before us, hears +the horrid words--"We want a little more!"--Words on their foreheads +glaring, "Your 'funny' column needs a little more!" + + +POPPING CORN.--616. + + And there they sat a-popping corn, + John Stiles and Susan Cutter; + John Stiles as stout as any ox, + And Susan fat as butter. + + And there they sat and shelled the corn, + And raked and stirred the fire, + And talked of different kinds of ears, + And hitched their chairs up nigher. + + Then Susan she the popper shook, + Then John he shook the popper, + Till both their faces grew as red + As saucepans made of copper. + + And then they shelled and popped and ate, + And kinks of fun a-poking, + And he haw-hawed at her remarks, + And she laughed at his joking. + + And still they popped, and still they ate + (John's mouth was like a hopper), + And stirred the fire and sparkled salt, + And shook and shook the popper. + + The clock struck nine, the clock struck ten, + And still the corn kept popping: + It struck eleven, and then struck twelve, + And still no signs of stopping. + + And John he ate, and Sue she thought-- + The corn did pop and patter, + Till John cried out: "The corn's a fire! + Why, Susan, what's the matter?" + + Said she, "John Stiles, it's one o'clock; + You'll die of indigestion; + I'm sick of all this popping corn, + Why don't you Pop the Question?" + + +POWERFUL SERMON.--617. + +Judge ---- had noticed for some time that on Monday morning his +Jamaica was considerably lighter than he had left it on Saturday +night. Another fact had established itself in his mind. His son Sam +was missing from the parental pew on Sundays. On Sunday afternoon, Sam +came in and went up stairs very heavy, when the judge put the question +to him: "Sam, where have you been?" "To church, sir," was the prompt +reply.--"What church, Sam?" "Second Methodist, sir."--"Had a good +sermon, Sam?" "Very powerful, sir; it quite staggered me."--"Ah! I +see," said the Judge, "quite powerful!" The next Sunday the son came +home rather earlier than usual, and apparently not so much under the +weather. His father hailed him with, "Well, Sam, been to the Second +Methodist again to-day?" "Yes, sir."--"Good sermon, my boy?" "Fact +was, father, that I couldn't get in; the church was shut up, and a +ticket on the door."--"Sorry, Sam; keep going, you may get good by it +yet." Sam says that on going to the office for his usual refreshment, +he found the "John" empty, and bearing the following label:--"There +will be no service here to-day; the church is temporarily closed." + + +HUGGING.--618. + +An editor in Iowa has been fined two hundred dollars for hugging a +girl in church.--_Early Argus._ Cheap enough! We once hugged a girl +in church some ten years ago, and it has cost a thousand a year ever +since.--_Chicago Young American._ + + +TART.--619. + +Mr. Mewins was courting a young lady of some attractions, and +something of a fortune into the bargain. After a liberal arrangement +had been made for the young lady by her father, Mr. Mewins, having +taken a particular fancy to a little brown mare, demanded that it +should be thrown into the bargain; and, upon a positive refusal, the +match was broken off. After a couple of years the parties accidentally +met at a country ball. Mr. Mewins was quite willing to renew the +engagement. The lady appeared not to have the slightest recollection +of him. "Surely you have not forgotten me," said he.--"What name, +sir?" she inquired. "Mewins," he replied; "I had the honour of paying +my addresses to you, about two years ago." "I remember a person of +that name," she rejoined, "who paid his attentions to my father's +brown mare." + + +WHO FIDDLED.--620. + +In the Pennsylvania Legislature, two years ago, there was a member +named Charlie Wilson, from one of the Northern frontier counties, +who considered himself among the great orators of the day, and, when +pretty well filled with "Harrisburg water," would get off for the +edification of his colleagues some very rich illustrations. Being +somewhat interested in a bill before the House, he made what he +considered one of his master-speeches, during the delivery of which he +used the illustration of "Nero fiddling while Rome was burning." He +had scarcely taken his seat when a member tapped him on the shoulder, +and said: "Say, Charlie, it wasn't Nero that 'fiddled,' it was Cæsar. +You should correct that before it goes on the record." In an instant +he was upon his feet, and exclaimed. "Mr. Speaker--Mr. Speaker--I +made a mistake. It wasn't Nero that 'fiddled' while Rome was burning; +it was _Julius Cæsar_." Happily for him, the Speaker was so busily +engaged that he did not hear him; but some members near heard and +enjoyed the joke. Afterwards some one told him that he was right in +the first place, which resulted in his reading all the ancient history +in the State Library during the remainder of the winter, to assure +himself as to who it was that "fiddled." + + +BONNETS.--621. + +An old bachelor, who has evidently been taken in by a love of a +bonnet, thus discourseth:-- + + "No matter where you may chance to be, + No matter how many women you see-- + A promiscuous crowd, or a certain she-- + You may fully depend upon it, + That a gem of the very rarest kind, + A thing most difficult to find, + A pet for which we long have pined, + Is a 'perfect love of a bonnet.'" + + +SAVED THE LEATHER.--622. + +An old man, rather elevated, bought a pair of new shoes, and, in +order to save their soles, walked home barefoot. He had not walked +far before his toe was brought too near to a large stone (considering +the latter was the harder of the two). He received a severe blow, and +began limping across the street, shoe in hand, groaning out: "Oh! how +glad I am I hadn't my new shoes on!" + + +LEGISLATION.--623. + +A Virginia lawyer once objected to an expression of the Act of +Assembly of the State of Pennsylvania, that "the State House yard +should be surrounded by a brick wall, and remain an open enclosure +for ever." "But," replied a Pennsylvanian who was present, "I put it +down by that Act of the Legislature of Virginia which is entitled 'A +Supplement to an Act to amend an Act making it penal to alter the mark +of an unmarked hog.'" + + +WHEN WILL THEY MEET?--624. + +There is a curious duel now pending in Boston which began ten years +ago. Mr. A., a bachelor, challenged Mr. B., a married man, with one +child, who replied that the conditions were not equal--that he must +necessarily put more at risk with his life than the other, and he +declined. A year afterwards he received a challenge from Mr. A., +who stated that he too had now a wife and child, and he supposed, +therefore, the objection of Mr. B. was no longer valid. Mr. B. +replied that he now had two children, consequently the inequality +still subsisted. The next year Mr. A. renewed the challenge, having +now two children also; but his adversary had three. The matter when +last heard from was still going on, the numbers being six to seven, +and the challenge yearly renewed. + + +THE MILLENNIUM AT HAND.--625. + +An editor of a Boston paper thinks that the millennium is at hand, and +gives his reasons. He says that an inspector of long and dry measures +in Baltimore, while going his rounds, cut a full quarter of an inch +from a yard-stick in a dry-goods' store in that city, it being that +much _too long_. + + +SAYINGS WISE AND WITTY.--626. + +It iz highly important that when a man makes up hiz mind tew bekum +a raskal, that he should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint +better konstrukted for a phool. + +I argy in this way; if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he +iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff. + +"Tell the truth, and shame the Devil;" i kno lots ov people who kan +shame the devil eazy enuff, but the tother thing bothers them. + +It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man, without lowering him in +hiz own estimashun, and yures too. + +Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good +rite tew them. + +It iz admitted now bi evryboddy that the man who kan git fat on +berlony sassage has got a good deal of dorg in him. + +Wooman's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshila when she wants ennything. + +Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope biler, when he +iz away from his hum, smells evrything. + +No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than tew be +rong. + +Don't mistake arroganse for wisdom; menny people hav thought they wuz +wize, when tha waz onla windy. + +Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch. + +The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, and the travelers pa +the expense ov it. + +If a man begins life bi being a fust Lutenant in hiz familee, he need +never tew look for promoshun. + +The only proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg iz what you +kan make on the board. + +Young man, study Defference; it iz the best card in the pack. + +Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding. + +Thare iz a luxury in sumtimes feeling lonesum. + +Thare is onla one advantage, that i kan see, in going tew the Devil, +and that iz the rode iz easy, and yu are sure to git there. + +Lastly, i am violently oppozed tew ardent speerits as a bevridge; but +for manufakturing purposes i think a leetle ov it tastes good. + + JOSH BILLINGS. + + +HER MARRIAGE GIFT.--627. + +A country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a +twenty dollar bill for her marriage gift. Her mistress desired to see +the object of Susan's favour, and a diminutive fellow, swarthy as a +Moor, and ill-favoured generally, made his appearance. "Oh, Susan!" +said her mistress, "how small; what a strange choice you have made." +"La, ma'am," answered Sue, "in such hard times as these, when all tall +and handsome fellows are off to the war, what more of a man than this +would you expect for twenty dollars?" + + +A FINE STREAM.--628. + +A Philadelphia judge, well known for his love of jokes, advertised a +farm for sale, with a fine stream of water running through it. A few +days afterwards a gentleman called on him to speak about it. "Well, +judge," said he, "I have been over that farm you advertised for sale +the other day, and find all right, except the find stream of water you +mentioned."--"It runs through the piece of wood in the lower part of +the meadow," said the judge.--"What, that little brook? Why, it does +not hold much more than a spoonful. I am sure if you empty a bowl of +water into it it would overflow. You don't call that a fine stream, +do you?"--"Why, if it was a little finer you couldn't see it at all," +said the judge, blandly. + + +KNOWING, AND NOT KNOWING.--629. + +"Never go to bed," said a father to his son, "without knowing +something you did not know in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the +youth, "I went to bed tipsy last night; didn't dream of such a thing +in the morning." + + +WAR PHRASES.--630. + +The Confederates at Atlanta were in the habit of throwing immense +64-pound shells. When these were seen coming, the Federal soldiers +would warn each other by such expressions as "Look out for the +cart-wheel!" "There comes an anchor!" "Look out for that blacksmith's +shop!" + + +FOND OF SOCIETY.--631. + +A lady, who was in the habit of spending a large portion of her +time in the society of her neighbours, happened one day to be taken +suddenly ill, and sent her husband in great haste for a physician. The +husband ran a few rods, but soon returned, exclaiming: "My dear, where +shall I find you when I get back?" + + +ARTEMUS WARD'S COURTSHIP.--632. + +There was many affectin' ties which made one hanker arter Betsy +Jane. Her father's farm joined our'n; their cows and our'n squencht +their thurst at the same spring; our old mares both had stars in +their forreds; the measles broke out in both famerlies at nearly the +same period; our parients (Betsy's and mine) slept regularly every +Sunday in the same meeting-house; and the nabers used to observe: +"How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in +the spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) +with their gowns pin'd up so they couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly +Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho' I hanker'd intensly +arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsent tell her of the fires +which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it, but my tung +would kerwollop up agin the roof of my mouth & stick thar, like deth +to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while +my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old-fashioned wheat Flale agin a +barn floor. 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht, +and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on +the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods, +kullin flowrs, & drivin the woodchuck from his Native Lair (so to +speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin +our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool-house +when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt. +My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my +rite was wounded lovingly round her waste. I cleared my throat, and +tremblinly sed: "Betsy, your'e a Gazelle." I thought that air was +putty fine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. It +evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed: "Your'e a sheep!" Sez +I: "Betsy, I think very muckly of you." "I don't believe a word you +say, so there now, cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away from +me. "I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could +see sum of my feelins. Thare's fire enough within," sed I, striking +my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in +the naberhood. Veersoovius and Critter ain't a circumstance!" She +bow'd her hed down, and commenced chewin the strings to her bonnet. +"Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your +account; how vittles has seized to be attractive to me, & how my +lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gaze on this wastin form, +and these 'ere sunken cheeks." I should have continured on in this +strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost one ballanse and +fell over into the pasture. Ker smash tearin my close, and seveerly +damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprang to my assistance in dubble +quick time, and dragged me 4th. Then, drawin herself up to her full +hite, sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite +strate out what your'e drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M +IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes, +and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very +nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane +has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed +a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up & +say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree +that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it +does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in +great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the +only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever +introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents. + + +COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633. + +I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I +could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted +powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was +walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking +carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest +limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old +Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer +dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual +way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a +reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was +the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there. +It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about +five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin +upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five +minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring +him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must +be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the +tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come, +and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found +that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the +tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all +the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_. + + +MODESTY.--634. + +"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a +woman, but ruins a man." + + +SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635. + +A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an +hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the +statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it. + + +OBSTINACY CURED.--636. + +A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz, +California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed +to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the +obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner. +He thereupon gave in. + + +NERVE OF FEELING.--637. + +A Southern paper says that "a Yankee's chief nerve of feeling is in +his pocket."--"A rebel is more apt to feel in his neighbour's pocket," +replies a Northern journal. + + +TWO MUCH ICE.--638. + +A correspondent tells of a chap who was drinking at a bar, and withal +being tolerably tight, after several ineffectual attempts to raise +the glass to his lips, succeeded in getting it high enough to pour +the contents inside his shirt-collar, and set the glass down with the +exclamation, "That's good, but a little too much ice, landlord!" + + +ALL-HEALING.--639. + +A Mormon, named Nichols, made a nerve and bone all-healing salve, +and thought he would experiment a little with it. He first cut off +his dog's tail, and applied some to the stump. A new tail grew out +immediately. He then applied some to the piece of the tail which he +cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which. + + +PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT.--640. + +A writer in the _Chicago Post_ describes how he got out of a bad +scrape in a police-court:--"The next morning the judge of the +police-court sent for me. I went down, and he received me cordially. +Said he heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking +down five persons, and assaulting six others, and was proud of me. +I was a promising young man, and all that. Then he offered a toast, +'Guilty or Not Guilty?' I responded in a brief but elegant speech, +setting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought us +together. After the usual ceremonies, I was requested to lend the city +ten dollars." + + +OBEYING ORDERS.--641. + +An officer down in Georgia tells the following story:--"One night +General ---- was out on the line, and observed a light by the side of +the mountain opposite. Thinking it was a signal light of the enemy, +he remarked to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put +through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the corporal in charge +of the gun, said, 'Corporal, do you see that light?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Put +a hole through it,' ordered the captain. The corporal sighted the gun, +and when all was ready he looked up and said, 'Captain, that's the +moon!' 'Don't care for that,' was the captain's ready response, 'put a +hole through it any how.'" + + +NOT EXACTLY.--642. + +An Indiana man was travelling down the Ohio in a steamer, with a mare +and a two-year-old colt, when by a sudden career of the boat, all +three were tilted into the river. The Indiana man, as he rose puffing +and blowing above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt, not +having a doubt that the natural instinct of the animal would take +him ashore. The old mare took a direct line for the shore; but the +frightened colt swam lustily down the current with the owner. "Let +go the colt and hang on the old mare," shouted some of his friends. +"Pooh, pooh!" exclaimed the Indiana man, spouting the water from his +mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's mighty +fine, you telling me to leave go the colt; but to a man that can't +swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing horses!" + + +THE ANGLER CAUGHT.--643. + +"In the summer of 1823," says an American writer, "when a mere lad, I +was at Swift's, in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and +from him I had the tale. John Brown was the well-known _sobriquet_ +of the fisherman who attended amateur anglers on their excursions. +John was not remarkable for his veracity, but quite otherwise, when +his success with the hook and line was the 'subject of his story.' +One day he was out with Daniel Webster. Both were standing in the +brook, patient waiters for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John how he +caught a large, a very large, trout on a former time. 'Your honour,' +said John, 'that was very well for a gentleman. But once, when I was +standing down by yonder bush, I took a fish, weighing'--I forget how +much, but of course many ounces more than the great lawyer's big fish. +'Ah! John, John,' exclaimed Mr. Webster, 'you are an am_phib_ious +animal--_you lie in the water, and you lie out of it_!'" + + +SPLENDID FIRING.--644. + +They have pretty good marksmen in Vermont. Brown was telling Smith, +of New Hampshire, the skill of a Green Mountain hunter. "Why," said +he, "I have seen him take two partridges and let them both go--one in +front and the other behind him; and he would fire and kill the one +in front, and then whirl round and kill the other." "Did he have a +double-barrelled gun?" enquired Smith. "Of course he did." "Well," +replied Smith, "I saw a man do the same thing with a _single-barrel_." +Brown didn't believe the thing possible, and said so. + + +CHARGED AND DISCHARGED.--645. + +A fellow charged with stealing a hoe was discharged upon trial, it +being proved that the article taken was an axe. The affair turned out +a regular _ho-ax_. + + +COLONEL CROCKETT.--646. + +Said he, "And who are you?" "I'm that same David Crockett, fresh from +the backwoods, half horse, half alligator, a little touched with the +snapping turtle; can wade the Mississipi, leap the Ohio, ride upon a +streak of lightning, and slip without a scratch down a honey locust; +can whip my weight in wild cats--and if any gentleman pleases, for a +ten dollar bill, he may throw in a panther--hug a bear too close for +comfort, and eat any man opposed to General Jackson." + + +AGRICULTURAL RETURNS.--647. + +A farmer in the West once planted his onions close to his poppies, and +the consequence was they grew so sleepy that he never could get them +out of their beds. + + +FRANKLIN AND HANCOCK.--648. + +"We must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the occasion of signing +the declaration of American Independence; "there must be no pulling +different ways." "Yes," observed Franklin, "We must all hang together, +or most assuredly we shall all hang separately." + + +HENRY CLAY.--649. + +The following description of Henry Clay appeared in the _Knickerbocker +Magazine_; it is needless to say it is by a Western man:--"He is a +man, and no mistake! Nature made him with her _sleeves rolled up_." + + +NATURAL MISTAKE.--650. + +A gentleman at the Astor House table, New York, asked the person +sitting next to him if he would please to pass the mustard. "Sir," +said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh no, Sir," was the +reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman." + + +_LITERATURE._--651. + +An American writer says, "Poetry is the flour of literature; prose is +the corn, potatoes, and meat; satire is the aqua-fortis; wit is the +spice and pepper; love letters are the honey and sugar; and letters +containing remittances are the apple-dumplings." + + +THOMAS JEFFERSON.--652. + +Thomas Jefferson, when Minister to France, being presented at Court, +some eminent functionary remarked, "You replace Dr. Franklin, Sir." "I +_succeed_ Dr. Franklin," was Mr. Jefferson's prompt reply, "no man can +_replace_ him." + + +BORROWING THE BABY.--653. + +All owners of interesting children will be amused by the following, +from the _Boston Daily American_:--A gentleman and lady of that +city were blessed with a beautiful child about a year old, which +attracted so much attention from their neighbours, that the young +ladies opposite frequently sent over to "borrow the baby." After being +obliged to send for the child several times, Mr. ----, on coming home +to dinner one day, got out of temper on finding it gone as usual. +"There, Jane," said he, "go over to the Misses ---- and get the baby; +give them my compliments, and tell them I wish they had a baby of +their own, and were not obliged to borrow." + + +FORCIBLE EVICTION.--654. + +Meeting an American friend travelling in the United States, I enquired +whither he was going? "Why," said he, "I guess I'm going to take +possession of an estate of mine, and I calculate I will have to shoot +down my predecessors." + + +BOXES AND PIT.--655. + +Wemyss, a famous theatrical manager in Philadelphia, quitted the +business, and opened instead a large store for the sale of patent +medicines. A friend dryly remarked that he would no doubt be +successful in filling both _boxes_ and _pit_. + + +A SWIFT HORSE.--656. + +The _Maine Farmer_ tells a number of tough stories about a man whom +it calls "Neverbeat." Here is one:--A gentleman was boasting in the +presence of Neverbeat about the speed of his horse, which, he said, +would trot a mile inside of three minutes, and follow it for three +miles. "A mile inside of three minutes aint much to brag about," +said Neverbeat. "Why, the other day I was up to S----, sixteen miles +distant; just as I started for home, a shower came sweeping on. The +rain struck in the back part of the waggon; and the moment it struck, +I hit old Kate a cut with the whip, away she trotted, scarcely +touching her fore feet to the ground. She kept just nip and nip with +the shower. _The waggon was filled with water, but not a drop fell on +me._" + + +PASSING THE COW TO THE CALF.--657. + +An American dandy who wanted the milk passed to him at an hotel, thus +asked for it: "Landlady, please to pass your cow down this way." The +landlady thus retorted: "Waiter, take this _cow_ down to where the +_calf_ is bleating." + + +NATURE AND ART.--658. + +An American, fresh from the magnificent woods and rough clearings, +was one day visiting the owner of a beautiful seat in Brooklyn; +and, walking with him through a little grove, out of which all the +underbrush had been cleared, paths had been nicely cut and gravelled, +and the rocks covered with woodbine, suddenly stopped, and, admiring +the beauty of the scene, lifted up his hands and exclaimed: "This I +like! This is Nature--_with her hair combed_." + + +NEARING IT BY DEGREES.--659. + +"Mrs. Green," said a tolerably dressed female, entering a grocery +store, in which were several customers, "have you any fresh-corned +pork?" "Yes, ma'am." "How much is this sugar a pound?" "One shilling, +ma'am." "Let me have," she continued, lowering her voice, "half a pint +of gin, and charge it as sugar on the book." + + +AN APT PUPIL.--660. + +A farmer once hired a Vermonter to assist him in drawing logs. The +Yankee, when there was a log to lift, generally contrived to secure +the smallest end, for which the farmer chastised him, and told him +always to take the butt end. Dinner came and with it a sugar-loaf +Indian pudding. Jonathan sliced off a generous portion of the largest +part, giving the farmer the wink, and exclaimed: "_Always take the +butt end._" + + +POETS.--661. + +I never seen a poet that warn't as poor as Job's turkey, or a church +mouse; nor a she-poet that her shoes didn't go down to heel, and her +stockings looked as if they wanted darnin'; for its all cry and little +wool with poets.--_Sam Slick._ + + +GIN AND WATER.--662. + +"Mister, your sign has fallen down!" cried a temperance man to a +grog-shop keeper, before whose door a drunken man was prostrate. +We don't know, says a paper, whether this temperance man was the +same into whose store a customer reeled, exclaiming, "Mr. ----, do +you--keep--a-ny--thing--good to take here?" "Yes, we have excellent +cold water; the best thing in the world to take." "Well, I know +it," was the reply, "there is no one--thing--that's done so much +for--navigation--as that." + + +THE "STEAL PEN."--663. + +A Western editor complains that all the good things in his paper are +cut and inserted in other papers, without acknowledgment of the source +whence they are obtained. He says, "they do not render unto scissors +the things that are scissors'." + + +A PILE OF JOKES.--664. + +Speaking of wags--what is more waggish than a dog's tail when he is +pleased? Speaking of tails--we always like those that end well: Hogg's +for instance. Speaking of hogs--we saw one of those animals the other +day lying in the gutter, and in the one opposite a well-dressed man; +the first one had a ring in his nose, and the latter a ring on his +finger. The man was drunk; the hog was sober. "A hog is known by the +company he keeps," thought we; so thought Mr. Porker, and off he went. +Speaking of "going off" puts us in mind of a gun we once owned--it +"went off" one night, and we have not seen it since. Speaking of guns +reminds us of powder--we saw a lady yesterday with so much of it on +her face that she was refused admission into an omnibus for fear of an +explosion. + + +OBITUARY NOTICE.--665. + +The _Christian Index_ (U. S.) thus prefaces an obituary:--"But a +week since we recorded the death of one who was an old father in the +church, a careful reader of the _Index_, and who paid for three papers +in advance." + + +AN INFANT TEACHER.--666. + +Under the title of "An Odd Advertisement," a New York paper publishes +the following:--"A young lady, perfectly competent, wishes to form +a class of young mothers and nurses, to instruct them in the art of +talking to infants in such a manner as will interest and please them." + + +QUADRUPLICATED PUN.--667. + +A comedian at Boston, by way of puff for his approaching benefit, +published the following lines:-- + + "Dear Public, you and I of late + Have dealt so much in fun; + I'll crack you now a monstrous great + Quadruplicated pun! + + "Like a _grate full_ of coals I'll glow, + A _great full_ house to see; + And if I am not _grateful_, too, + A _great fool_ I must be!" + + +BUCOLIC STUPIDITY.--668. + +We saw a venerable looking cow yesterday, says the _Cincinnati +Herald_, eating pine sawdust, under the impression that it was bran. +She didn't find out her mistake until night, when it was found that +she gave turpentine instead of milk. + + +LIFE IN KENTUCKY.--669. + +The following story of "Life in Kentucky" being in print ought, of +course to be believed:--"Early one morning the shouts and cries of a +female were heard. All ran to the spot. When they arrived they saw a +man and a bear engaged in combat. They had it hip and thigh, up and +down, over and under, the man's wife standing by and hallooing 'fair +play.' The company ran up and insisted on parting them. 'No, no,' said +the woman, 'let them fight it out; for it's the first fight I ever saw +that I didn't care which whipped!'" + + +AMERICAN PROVERBS AND SIMILES.--670. + + AMBITION is as hollow as the soul of an echo. + + TIDE, steamboats, and soda-water will wait for no + one. + + BIG feet, like a leather shirt, are more for use + than ornament. + + MONEY slips from the fingers like a water-melon + seed, travels without legs, and flies without wings. + + IT is the lot of humanity to err at times, as + the drunken man said when he mistook the pig-pen for his + bedroom. + + A GOOD deed will stick out, with an inclination to + spread, like the tail of a peacock. + + YOU might as well undertake to whistle a + grape-vine from a white oak, as to induce a girl to + relinquish her lover. + + +SIMILES.--671. + +AS big as all out of doors. +AS dry as the clerk of a lime-kiln. +AS long as a thanksgiving sermon. +AS crooked as a Virginian fence. +AS straight as a loon's leg. +AS straight as a shingle. +AS sharp as the little end of nothing. +AS slick as greased lightning. +AS swelling as a basket of chips. +AS happy as a clam at high water. +AS tight as the bark of a tree. +AS crazy as a bed-bug. +AS mad as all wrath. +AS wrathy as a militia officer on a training-day. +AS proud as a tame turkey. +AS melancholy as a Quaker meeting-house by moonlight. +AS useless as whistling psalms to a dead horse. +LIKE all nature. +LIKE all fury. +LIKE all possessed. +THRASHING round, like a short-tailed bull in fly-time. +HEAD and tail up, like chicken cocks in laying-time. + + + + +INDEX. + + + PAGE + +Absence of Mind, 50, 52, 85 + +Abstraction, 187 + +Adopting the Other Course, 158 + +Advantage of Burning Two Candles, 2 + +Advice to Doctors, 179 + +Advice to Parents, 49 + +After Joining Church, 43 + +Agreeable Customer, An, 19 + +Agreeing with all the Girls, 134 + +Agricultural Returns, 202 + +Aids to Memory, 184 + +All-Healing, 200 + +All Human, 87 + +All Well, 41 + +Amende Honourable, 177 + +American Competition, 152 + +American Curiosity, 176 + +American Definitions, 152 + +American Estimate of their Clergy, 9 + +American Help, An, 174 + +American Notion of Villany, 94 + +American Platform, 86 + +American Proverbs, 207 + +American Similes, 207 + +American Soil, 149 + +"And That's a Fact", 104 + +Angler Caught, The, 201 + +Another Burst of Eloquence, 109 + +Another Discovery, 96 + +Answered at Once, 189 + +Answering an Advertisement, 168 + +Antediluvian Diet, 61 + +Any Better than None, 154 + +Any Relations, 140 + +Appropriate Gift, An, 115 + +Apt Pupil, An, 205 + +Artistic Execution, 146 + +Awkward Coincidence, 95 + + +Baby Story, A, 16 + +Bachelorism a Luxury, 22 + +Backwoods Conversation, 173 + +Big Puff, A, 67 + +Billings, Josh., Insures his Life, 83 + +Billings, Josh., Sayings of, 99, 196 + +Billings, Josh., on Horses, 175 + +Billy Bray, 28 + +Black Bull, A, 160 + +Blind Phrenologist of St, Louis, 135 + +Bonnets, 194 + +Borrowing the Baby, 203 + +Boxes and Pit, 204 + +"Braggin' saves Advertisin'", 113 + +Breakfast in Bed, 129 + +Brigham Young's Wives, 91 + +Bright and Blue, 186 + +Brother of Four Million Children, 63 + +Bucolic Stupidity, 207 + +"Bus" in the Cars, A, 132 + +Business and Affliction, 5 + + +Candid Parson, A, 12 + +Canine Resemblance, 69 + +Captain's Pudding, The, 123 + +Catching, 184 + +Caught Unawares, 32 + +Cause and Effect, 182 + +Cautious Witness, A, 72 + +Changes, 141 + +Charged and Discharged, 202 + +Chasing a Locomotive, 135 + +Cheap Treat, A, 83 + +Chickens in Tennessee, The, 21 + +Citizen of all the States, A, 30 + +Claiming Exemption, 122 + +Clay, Henry, 203 + +Clergyman and the Lawyer, 110 + +Climacteric Sublimity, 107 + +Close Witness, A, 88 + +Cold Picture, A, 37 + +Colonel answered, The, 12 + +Colt's Arms _v._ Colt's Legs, 126 + +Columbus and the Egg, 117 + +Columbus's Discovery, 106 + +Complimentary, 168 + +Conclusive, 114 + +Condensed Novel, A, 25 + +Conditional Forgiveness, 87 + +Confession of a Clergyman, 95 + +Confidence Necessary, 189 + +Cool Customer, A, 22 + +Coolness, 106 + +Cords of Hymen, The, 82 + +Corking up Daylight, 16 + +Critical, 162 + +Criminal didn't see it, 72 + +Crockett, Colonel, and the 'Coon, 199 + +Crockett, Colonel, 202 + +Crooked Stick, The, 115 + +Cross Purposes, 20 + +Couldn't help it, in fact, 43 + +Couldn't make an Impression, 108 + +Couple of Reasons too many, A, 3 + +Cuff's Cabin, 157 + +Cure for Fainting, 82 + +Curing Two Afflictions, 164 + +Curiosities of American Speech, 55 + +Curious Event, 57 + +Cute Expedient, 185 + +Cutting, 168 + + +Damaging the Engine, 128 + +Darkie's Wish, The, 168 + +Date Wanted, The, 105 + +"Dat's de Mystery", 126 + +Debt of Nature, The, 160 + +"De Dissolution of Coparsnips", 17 + +Delicate Cut, A, 128 + +Democrats _v._ Republicans, 102 + +Demosthenes not Dead, 33 + +Diamond Cut Diamond, 54 + +Didn't care, then, if he did, 140 + +Dinner, but no Breakfast, 159 + +Disconsolate, 147 + +Disinterested Lieutenant, A, 122 + +Distant Friend, A, 167 + +Domestic Economy, 50 + +Double Difficulty, A, 143 + +Doubtful, 144 + +Dow, Junior, 84 + +Do you Smoke?, 78 + +Drawing the Long Bow, 7 + +Dying Soldier and his Mother, 68 + +Dry Joke in a Dry Goods' Store, A, 26 + +Dull Members, 171 + + +Early Rising in Connecticut, 1 + +Eclipsing Himself, 151 + +Editorial Fix, 110 + +Editorial Horse, An, 102 + +Editorial Tribulations, 54 + +Editors Exchanging Compliments, 92 + +Editors' Wives, 142 + +Effective Remonstrance, 147 + +Effect of Eloquence, The, 80 + +Egg "Brof", 3 + +Either Way will do, 96 + +Elbow-Room Scarce, 3 + +Emerson and Parker, 101 + +English Grammar, 40 + +Enthusiastic Newsvendor, 119 + +Epigram on Lincoln, 149 + +Everett and Judge Story, 163 + +Excessive Politeness, 53 + +Excuse for Drinking, 142 + +Exempt decidedly, 97 + +Extraordinary Absence of Mind, 102 + +Extraordinary Crow, 49 + +Extraordinary Motto, 52 + +Eye to Business, An, 130 + + +Failed for a Good Reason, 19 + +Fair Retort, A, 161 + +Falling in Love, 171 + +Familiar Acquaintance, 151 + +Fancy her Feelings, 85 + +Feeling her Way, 18 + +Female Admirable Crichton, 102 + +Fine Stream, A, 196 + +Fine Writing, 107 + +"Fire at the Crisis", 173 + +Firm Foundation, 187 + +First Marriage, The, 42 + +Five Outs and One In, 151 + +Floating Population, A, 102 + +Fond of Society, 197 + +Forcible Eviction, 204 + +Forensic Eloquence, 18 + +Forest-Born Orator, A, 70 + +Forlorn Hope, 146 + +4-tunate Young Man, A, 2 + +Four Points of a Case, 2 + +Franklin, Dr., 161 + +Franklin and Hancock, 203 + +Friendly Notice, 185 + + +Gallant Correction, 187 + +Gem, A, 165 + +General no Pattern, The, 175 + +German Wines, 175 + +Getting down a Ladder, 98 + +Gin and Water, 205 + +Gone Home, 137 + +Good Eyesight, 172 + +Governor and the Justice, The, 119 + +Graham System, The, 13 + +Grandpa's Spectacles, 71 + +Grant, General, 172 + +Great Scarcity, 123 + +Great Traveller, A, 136 + +Grieving for a Wife, 105 + +Grim Welcome, 22 + +Guarded Answer, A, 78 + + +Habitual Thirst, 170 + +Habits of a Great Man, 28 + +Half Guilty, 177 + +Hairs, not Bristles, 60 + +Happiest of Vowels, The, 117 + +Hard Feathers, 163 + +Hard Hearing, 187 + +Hard Lying, 4 + +Hard Scrabble, 90 + +Hard up 73, 144 + +Having the Coffin Handy, 41 + +He had him that time, 17 + +Heady, 172 + +Heavenly Bodies, The, 117 + +Heavy Top-Dressing, 60 + +Height of Meanness, The, 105 + +Hen Persuaders, 70 + +Her Marriage Gift, 196 + +Her Poor Jerry, 130 + +Highly Probable, 103 + +His First Step, 64 + +His Reasons for Leaving, 133 + +His Wife's Cousin, 66 + +Holding the Stakes, 74 + +Homely Flag of Truce, 16 + +Horrified Dandy, A, 27 + +Hot Pies, 57 + +Hotel Accommodation in the South, 81 + +Hotel Rules at the "Diggins", 79 + +Household Words, 132 + +How a "Copperhead" was Shaved, 10 + +How Ale strengthened him, 67 + +How Mr. Lincoln shakes Hands, 89 + +How Sam was Caught, 84 + +How to do Business, 97 + +How to get a Seat, 95 + +How to go Mad, 101 + +Huggin', 192 + +Human Nature, 138 + +Hunting up a Soft Place, 39 + + +I would if I could, 90 + +Illegible Manuscripts, 88 + +"I'm the Baggage", 20 + +In Black and White, 77 + +In Love with the Devil, 89 + +Incident and Epigram, An, 137 + +Inducement to Young People, 102 + +Inducement Unnecessary, 148 + +Infant Teacher, An, 206 + +Infantile Idea of Distance, 126 + +Inflammable and Dangerous, 51 + +Ingenious Boot-Black, 35 + +Inquiring Mind, An, 23 + +Insinuating Rejoinder, 156 + +Interesting Announcement, 142 + +Interesting Experiment, 99 + +Interesting to the Parties concerned, 14 + +Interrupting the Sermon, 84 + +Irish Bull at Bull's Run, An, 131 + +Irish Exhortation, 89 + +Irish Negro, 99 + +It follows, 175 + + +Jefferson, Thomas, 203 + +Jemmy O'Neil and President Jackson, 61 + +Jew D'Esprit, A, 157 + +Job's Patience--as viewed by a Lady, 38 + +John and the Widdah, 150 + +Joke by Jenkins, A, 104 + +Joke by the President, 143 + +Jonathan's Guess, 178 + +Jonathan of All Trades, 167 + +Judge and his Coachman, The, 75 + +Judgment of Solomon, The, 6 + +Just got Married, 137 + + +Keen and Significant, 85 + +Keeping a Secret, 139 + +Kind and Sympathetic, 138 + +Kissing by Proxy, 146 + +Kissing in Wisconsin, 13 + +Knocking at the Church Door, 24 + +Knowing and Not Knowing, 197 + +Knowing Contraband, A, 172 + +Knowing Juryman, A, 15 + + +Laconic, 184 + +Lagging Compliment, A, 121 + +Lapse of Ages, The, 111 + +Last Compliment, The, 161 + +Latest Dog Story, 147 + +Latest Way, The, 136 + +Law of Compensation, The, 108 + +Learned Members of the American Legislature, The, 11 + +Lee, Gen., and a Son of Erin, 125 + +Lee, Gen., to General Meade, 158 + +Legal Advice under Singular Circumstances, 79 + +Legal Toast, A, 86 + +Legislation, 194 + +Letter R, The, 130 + +Letter S, The, 144 + +Libellous Assertion, 98 + +Life in Kentucky, 207 + +Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37 + +Literature, 203 + +Littles, 58 + +Loafer's Hat, The, 160 + +Lobster Salad, 43 + +Logs Wanted, 50 + +Logic of Congress, 126 + +Lone Nigger, A, 97 + +Long and Short of it, 106 + +Longfellow and Longworth, 141 + +Long Livers, 188 + +Look on this Picture and on this, 50 + +Looking for a Situation, 77 + +Love-Letter Ink, 163 + +Lovers' Leap, The, 168 + +Low-necked Frocks, 100 + +Luminous Evidence, 68 + +Lying at the Top, The, 113 + + +"Mails" and Females, 107 + +Major Downing in London, 154 + +Making a Man's Coffin before his Death, 7 + +Marriage Notices, 16 + +Marriage and Single Blessedness, 69 + +Meade, Gen., to Gen. Lee, 158 + +Meat Baby, A, 110 + +Mighty Thick Fog, A, 57 + +Mild Assertion, A, 185 + +Military Tactics, 145 + +Military Veracity of the North, 3 + +Millennium at Hand, The, 195 + +Milwaukee Eloquence, 60 + +Minister's Reception, The, 108 + +Mixing the Babies, 30 + +Model Advertisements, 111 + +Modern Definitions, 187 + +Modest Linendraper, A, 137 + +Modesty, 199 + +Monster Punch-Bowl, 188 + +Mooted Question, A, 97 + +More Copy, 189 + +More Laughable than Logical, 107 + +Most too Sudden, 140 + +Much Virtue in an "If", 167 + +My Pew, Sir!, 6 + + +Naming Children in America, 106 + +Nature and Art, 155, 205 + +Natur's Balances, 149 + +Natural Mistake, 203 + +"Naygers," The, 183 + +Nearing it by Degrees, 205 + +Negro Sermon, 71 + +Nerve of Feeling, 200 + +Nest Egg, The, 44 + +New, if not True, 164 + +New Dish, A, 160 + +Newspaper Borrowers, To, 34 + +New Way to affix a Stamp, 115 + +Niagara Falls from Four Points of View, 126 + +Nice Girl, A, 48 + +Nigger Explanation, 157 + +No Doubt, 38 + +No Justice in that Court, 140 + +No Patients Living, 72 + +No Place like Home, 128 + +No Vices, 173 + +Nonsense about Love, 144 + +Not Exactly, 201 + +Not for Want, 121 + +Not Particular, 112 + +Not so, 47 + +Not to be Done, 32 + +Not to be wondered at, 76 + +Not Willing to Die, 130 + +Note by the Editor, 147 + +Novel Commentary by a Parson, 42 + +Novel Effect of a Second Marriage, 103 + +Novel Hint from the Pulpit, 86 + +Novel Proposition, 141 + +Novel Telegraphic Message, 129 + +Novel Verdict, A, 94 + + +Obeying Orders, 201 + +Obituary Notice, 206 + +Objecting to Missions, 64 + +Obstinacy Cured, 200 + +Ode on Gas, An, 54 + +Odd Excuse for not being Hung, 19 + +Odd Names, 79 + +Of course not, 101 + +Ohio Democracy, The, 48 + +"Old Brains", 119 + +Old Hen and Chickens, The, 21 + +Old King's Arm, The, 89 + +Ole Harry and Ole Nick, 46 + +One of the Press, 109 + +Only the Eleventh, 1 + +"Open Thy Cupboard to Me", 148 + +Openness of Countenance, 74 + +Origin of "Some Punkin", 62 + +Original Brother Jonathan, The, 116 + +Other Impediment, The, 178 + +Other Side, The, 91 + +Our Bob, 127 + +Out-Yankeed, 10 + +Oysters, 186 + + +"Paddle your own Canoe", 34 + +Painful Necessity, 189 + +Painting to the Life, 117 + +Paper Collars, The, 182 + +Parental Advice, 42 + +Parting Friends, 97 + +Passing the Cow, 204 + +Pay your Postage, 15 + +Perils of the Fourth Estate, 111 + +Perpetual Motion, 152 + +Personal, 95 + +Pete's Expectations, 77 + +Pickled Elephant, 183 + +Picture Dealing, 179 + +Pile of Jokes, A, 206 + +Pithy Letter, 13 + +Plain enough, 109 + +Plain Spoken, 165 + +Plump Question, 81 + +Poetical Editor, A, 72 + +Poetical Patchwork, 112 + +Poetry and Prose, 138 + +Poets, 205 + +Pointed Retort, 129 + +Polite Man, A, 106 + +Politics, 172 + +Poor Couple, A, 102 + +Poor Preaching, 169 + +Popping Corn, 191 + +Popping the Question, 70, 165 + +Powerful Sermon, 192 + +"Preach Small", 4 + +Precept and Practice, 161 + +Presented at Court, 162 + +President Jackson, 61 + +President Lincoln, Epigram on, 149 + +President Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37 + +President Lincoln's First Political Speech, 151 + +President and the Marshal, The, 156 + +President's Voice, The, 10 + +Presidential Puns, 73 + +Pretence, 148 + +Pretended Pelham, A, 159 + +Printers' Mistakes, 108 + +Printer's Toast, A, 154 + +Profit and Loss, 182 + +Profitless Teaching, 120 + +Prompt Reply, A, 84 + +Proverbs, 91 + +Providing for Bills, 125 + +Putting a Good Face on it, 200 + +Putting forward his Creed, 47 + +Pugnacious Ram, The, 27 + +Puzzled, 181 + +Puzzled Judge, A, 34 + + +Quadruplicated Pun, 207 + +Quaker's Excuse for Firing, 62 + +Quaker Woman's Sermon, 128 + +Qualifications for a Parson, 103 + +Queer Cup of Coffee, A, 7 + +Queer Queries, 78 + +Question for Astronomers, A, 104 + +Question for Question, 166 + +Quizzing a Witness, 155 + +Quoting his Father, 118 + + +Rare Printer, A, 51 + +Rat Story, A, 78 + +Rather Cute, 86 + +Real Heavy Gale, A, 114 + +Reasonable Instinct, 162 + +Reason for Dear Cream, A, 49 + +Reasons for not Joining Church, 89 + +Reasons enough, 100 + +Rebuke, A, 188 + +Remarkable Chambermaid, 156 + +Remarkable Dream, 43 + +Remarkable Man, A, 52 + +Remarkable Skipper, 188 + +Remarkable Tenacity of Life, 8 + +Remarkably Sociable, 180 + +Receipt in Full, A, 153 + +Returned Soldier's Letter, 73 + +Rivalling Nature, 95 + +Rough Bedfellow, A, 163 + + +Sad Scarcity of Paper, 105 + +Saddest Sight, The, 38 + +Salary not so much an Object, 124 + +Sambo and Cuffee, 54 + +Sambo's Suspicion, 127 + +Sam's Soul, 9 + +Same Drunk, 184 + +Satisfactory Reason, A, 88 + +Saved the Leather, 194 + +Saving the Truth, 156 + +Sayings Wise and Witty, 195 + +Scene in an American Court, 24 + +Schoolmaster Abroad, The, 167 + +Scientific Agreement, 38 + +Scipio's Wife, 68 + +Scripture Names, 22 + +Securing his Trunk, 26 + +Self-evident Knowledge, 199 + +Sensations of a Down-Easter, 141 + +Sensible Woman, A, 96 + +Setting the Time, 180 + +Settling the Wine Bill, 145 + +Sharp Child, 80 + +Sharp Shooting, 1 + +Shedding their Last Blood, 129 + +"Shell in de Stove," A, 53 + +Shrewd Nigger, A, 174 + +Short and Expressive, 83 + +Simile, A, 150 + +Similes, 208 + +Simmons on Life, 185 + +Simplicity, 15 + +Slashing Article, A, 94 + +Slick's, Sam, Description of a Teetotaller, 151 + +Slick's, Sam, Geology, 172 + +Slick, Sam, on Happiness, 121 + +Slick's, Sam, Wise Saws, 143 + +Slight Difference, 177 + +Small Loaves, 1 + +Small Waists and Tight Lacing, 157 + +Smart Railway _Employé_, 63 + +Smiles, 146 + +Snip, 173 + +Snorers, To, 35 + +Snoring in Church, 163 + +Snubbing a Lawyer, 98 + +So Humane, 113 + +Soap coming Handy, 25 + +Soldier's Farewell, A, 76 + +Solemn Hour, A, 90 + +Solid Reason, A, 186 + +Something like a Good Shot, 51 + +Sonnet instead of a Bonnet, A, 21 + +Sound Advice, 15 + +Spare Girl, A, 115 + +Sparing his Feelings, 101 + +Speaking his Deep Emotions, 59 + +Spectacles and Bible Reading, 52 + +Splendid Firing, 202 + +Spiritualism Extraordinary, 59 + +Squashed, 186 + +Stage-Struck Hoosier, 75 + +"Steal Pen," The, 206 + +Steam Defined, 132 + +Stoning Stephen, 170 + +Story with a Moral, 18 + +Strange Peculiarities, 22 + +Stretch of Imagination, 179 + +Striking Definition, 103 + +Striking Effect of a Strike, 28 + +Striking Lesson, A, 122 + +Striking Resemblance, 150 + +Strong Inducement, 131 + +Stump Orator, A, 12 + +Styling the Firm, 156 + +Sublime and Ridiculous, 96 + +Substituting one Treat for another, 78 + +Sudden Declaration, 153 + +Superfluous Testimonial, 73 + +Sure of it, 179 + +Suspecting the Shell, 63 + +Swift Horse, A, 204 + + +Take Care of your Baggage, 152 + +Taking his Patients for a Ride, 75 + +Taking the Starch out, 80 + +Tall Relations, 50 + +Tall Talk, 130 + +Talking-Match, 146 + +Tart, 193 + +Tearful Response, A, 159 + +Thackeray and the Pirate's Daughter, 157 + +Thanks to his Hens, 189 + +That's a Good 'Un!, 14 + +The House that Jeff. Built, 180 + +The Late Floyd, 64 + +The Reason Why, 110 + +Things I should like to See, 165 + +Thoughtful Mothers, 116 + +Tight-fisted, 142 + +Timely Warning, 169 + +Tipping them Latin, 186 + +Tired of his Boarding-House, 86 + +To make Leeches bite, 184 + +To make Sausages, 4 + +To the Point, 52 + +Too much Ice, 200 + +Too Slow for Paradise, 13 + +Tough Yankee, A, 117 + +Transatlantic Matrimonial Advertisements, 29 + +Treasure Trove, The, 8 + +Tremendous Gale, 71 + +True American Patriotism, 112 + +True, if not New, 164 + +True Politeness, 167 + +Trump Card, A, 169 + +Truth Wanted, 131 + +Two Things made to be Lost, 100 + +Two Things Unexpected, 152 + + +Unacceptable Gratitude, 17 + +Undoubted Courage, 150 + +Unkind Reminder, An, 107 + +Unnecessary Apprehension, 96 + +Used to it, 118 + + +Vegetable Head, A, 64 + +Verdict of a Negro Jury, 114 + +Very Civil War, 114 + +Very Likely, 56 + +Very Odd, that, 67 + +Virginian Eloquence, 170 + +Vocation, A, 154 + + +War Phrases, 197 + +Ward's, Artemus, Courtship, 197 + +Ward, A., on Reorganization, 153 + +Ward, A., on the Negro, 62 + +Ward, A., to the Prince of Wales, 124 + +Ward Beecher's Preaching, 13 + +Washington Irving, 154 + +Way of the World, The, 23 + +Webster, Daniel, 189 + +Webster's, Daniel, Courtship, 162 + +Webster, Daniel, and his Bills, 138 + +Webster, Daniel, and William Wirt, 31 + +Wedlock First Instituted, 121 + +Western Neighbours, 98 + +Western Obituary Notice, 46 + +We wonder, too, 50 + +Whale at Peas, A, 158 + +What a Fine Woman is like, 131 + +What he always did at Home, 41 + +What he did the First Year, 11 + +What Irishmen do!, 105 + +What U. S. stands for, 118 + +When the Boat started, 134 + +When will they meet?, 194 + +Where the Ducks went, 127 + +"Where Warren fell", 9 + +Whiskers and Kisses, 58 + +Who Fiddled, 193 + +Whose Fault was it?, 136 + +Why the War goes on, 118 + +Wise Fool, A, 119 + +Wise Judge, A, 101 + +Wise Saws by Sam Slick, 143 + +With a Quill, 144 + +Witty Aide-de-Camp, A, 155 + +Witty Sentinel, A, 71 + +Woman-ology, 45 + +Wonderful, 144 + +Wonderful, if True, 178 + +"Wouldn't you like to know?", 44 + +Writing to the Old Woman, 20 + +Wrong Woman, The, 142 + +Wrong Train, The, 37 + + +Yankee, The, 166 + +Yankee's Autobiography, A, 36 + +Yankee Brass, 76 + +Yankee Factory Girls, 170 + +Yankee Inquisitiveness, 176 + +Yankee Modesty, 188 + +Yankee Notion of Macbeth, 27 + +Yankee Portrait of John Bull, 177 + +Yankee Toasts, 66 + +Young Jeff.'s Appetite, 6 + +Young Lady's Sacrifice, A, 138 + +Young Patriot, The, 32 + +Your Fare, Miss, 133 + +Youth Indignant, 188 + + + + +CLAYTON & CO., Printers, 17, Bouverie Street, E.C. + + + + +ADVERTISEMENTS. + +[Illustration] + +ADAMS & FRANCIS, + +Agents for the Public Press, + +ADVERTISEMENTS INSERTED IN ALL THE LONDON COUNTRY, COLONIAL, and +FOREIGN NEWSPAPERS and PERIODICALS. + +_And by Appointment to the_ + +Royal Society, +Royal Geographical Society, +Royal Horticultural Society, +British Association for the + Advancement of Science, +Institute of Naval Architects, +Arundel Society, +Camden Society, +The Architectural Museum, +South Kensington, &c. &c. + +_And by Special Contract for_ + +The Journal & Proceedings of the Royal Geographical Society, The North +British Review, Black's Guide-Books, Tennyson's Poems in Monthly +Parts, &c. &c. + + * * * * * + +_The following are the Terms upon which we transact our business as +General Advertising Agents_:-- + +1. 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They + so perfectly resemble the natural teeth as not to be + distinguished from the originals by the closest observer. + They will never change colour or decay, and will be found + superior to any teeth ever before used. This method does + not require the extraction of roots, or any painful + operation, will support and preserve teeth that are loose, + and is guaranteed to restore articulation and mastication. + Decayed teeth stopped, and rendered sound and useful in + mastication. + + 52, Fleet Street. At home from 10 till 5. + + * * * * * + + TOOTH-ACHE CURED in less than a minute by HOLMAN'S + TOOTH-ACHE SPECIFIC, the only preparation that instantly + relieves and does not injure the Teeth. Prepared only by + HENRY HOLMAN, Chemist, Barnet, HERTS. In + bottles, at 7-1/2d. and 1s. 1-1/2d. each, of all Medicine + Vendors; or post free from the Proprietor for 18 stamps. + Wholesale of BARCLAY and SONS, 95, + Farringdon Street, LONDON, E.C. + + * * * * * + + Selling by Thousands. + + THE INGENIOUS POCKET TIMEPIECE, with Case complete. + Warranted to denote Solar Time correctly. Price One + Shilling; by post, 13 stamps. WARD and + CO., Kinver, near STOURBRIDGE. + + * * * * * + + IMPORTANT NOTICE.--£4000 by 5s.--On receipt of a prepaid + envelope addressed to the writer, will be forwarded a + Prospectus of the manner in which, with Governmental + Security, £25,000 can be promptly realized by a deposit + of £1; and how £4000 may be obtained by an investment + of 5s. No doubt about it. Obtain the particulars, then + judge. Apply immediately, to JOHN WARD, Esq., + Kilcrossduff, Shercock, County Cavan, IRELAND. + + + + +Consumption, Coughs, Colds, Asthma, Bronchitis, Neuralgia, Rheumatism, +Spasms, &c. + +CAUTION.--IN CHANCERY. + +CHLORODYNE. + + +VICE-CHANCELLOR WOOD stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was +undoubtedly the Inventor of Chlorodyne. Eminent hospital Physicians +of London stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was the discoverer of +Chlorodyne; that they prescribe it largely, and mean no other than +Dr. Browne's.--See _Times_, July 13, 1864. The public, therefore, +are cautioned against using any other than Dr. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S +CHLORODYNE. + +THIS INVALUABLE REMEDY produces quiet, refreshing sleep, relieves +pain, calms the system, restores the deranged functions, and +stimulates healthy action of the secretions of the body. + +_From_ J. M'GRIGOR CROFT, _M.D., M.R.C. Physicians, London, +late Staff-Surgeon to H.M.F._ + + "After prescribing Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne, for + the last three years, in severe cases of Neuralgia and Tic + Doloreux, I feel that I am in a position to testify to + its valuable effects. Really in some cases it acted as a + charm, when all other means had failed. Without being asked + for this report, I must come forward and state my candid + opinion that it is a most valuable medicine." + +_From_ JNO. E. GOULSTONE, _M.D., Knighton_. + + "I can confidently state that Chlorodyne is an admirable + Sedative and Anti-Spasmodic, having used it in Neuralgia, + Hysteria, Asthma, and Consumption, with remarkably + favourable results. It relieved a fit of Asthma in four + minutes, where the patient had suffered eleven years in a + most distressing manner, no previous remedy having had so + immediate and beneficial an effect." + +No home should be without it. Sold in bottles, 2s. 9d. and 4s. 6d. +Sent free, on receipt of stamps, by + +J. T. DAVENPORT, 33, Gt. Russell St., London, W.C., +SOLE MANUFACTURER. + +Observe particularly, none genuine without the words "Dr. J. Collis +Browne's Chlorodyne" on the Government Stamp. + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + + +Minor punctuation typos and Index page numbers were silently +corrected. The "possible typos" listed below might be the antiquated +spelling of words in common usage at the time, rather than actual +typesetting errors. All the dialect and intentionally misspelled words +were retained as in the original book. + +Page 6: Possible typo: "sucking-pig" for "suckling-pig". + +Page 10: Changed "were" to "where." + (Orig: the field were we had suffered) + +Page 39: Changed "sympton" to "symptom." + (Orig: a sympton of personal approbation) + +Page 45: Changed "magetism" to "magnetism." + (Orig: makes woman so adorable as magetism) + +Page 48: Possible typo: "Twelve a.m." for "Twelve p.m." + +Pages 54, 80, 152, 175, 178: "Pedlar" and "pedler" spelling +variations were retained. + +Page 69: Changed "fondess" to "fondness." + (Orig: fondess pent up in each heart) + +Page 70: Changed "it" to "in." + (Orig: The failings that it woman dwell) + +Page 82: Changed "splarkled" to "sparkled." + (Orig: Here Billy's eyes splarkled) + +Page 88: Changed "dismised" to "dismissed." + (Orig: witness was dismised) + +Page 101: Changed "thing" to "think." + (Orig: quickest way we can thing of to go raving) + +Page 102: Changed "granchild's" to "grandchild's." + (Orig: rocking her granchild's cradle with one foot) + +Page 116: Changed "Revoluntionary" to "Revolutionary." + (Orig: Army of Revoluntionary War,) + +Page 118: Changed "conset" to "consent." + (Orig: Neither would conset to take it,) + +Page 128: Changed "poceeded" to "proceeded." + (Orig: who proceeded to describe their peculiarities.) + +Page 144: Possible typo: "sleepness" for "sleepless." + (Orig: Sleepness nights, broken dreams,) + +Page 147: Possible typo: "tustle," for "tussle." + (Orig: In the course of the tustle) + +Page 159: Changed "pamplet" to "pamphlet." + (Orig: holding out a pamplet) + +Page 160: Changed "homour" to "humour." + (Orig: the old gent's good homour) + +Pages 172-173: Possible typo: "embryotic" for "embryonic." + +Page 174: Changed "themseves" to "themselves." + (Orig: housekeeping for themseves) + +Page 176: Possible typo: "Mississipi" for "Mississippi." + +Page 188: Possible typo: "laddled" for "ladled." + (Orig: who laddled out the liquor) + +Page 196: Possible two typos: "find" for "fine." + (Orig: and find all right, except the find stream of water) + +Notes on Joe Miller From _Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia_: + + Joe Miller (Joseph or Josias) (1684-August 15, 1738) was an + English actor, who first appeared in the cast of Sir Robert + Howard's Committee at Drury Lane in 1709 as Teague. Trinculo + in The Tempest, the First Grave-digger in Hamlet and Marplot + in Susanna Centlivre's The Busybody, were among his many + favourite parts. He is said to have been a friend of Hogarth. + + He frequented the "Black Jack" tavern on Portsmouth Street + in London, which was a favourite of the Drury Lane players + and those from Lincoln's Inn Fields. Allegedly he was very + serious in the bar and this led to an in-joke whereby all + his companions ascribed all new jokes to him. + + After Miller's death, John Mottley (1692-1750) brought out + a book called Joe Miller's Jests, or the Wit's Vade-Mecum + (1739), published under the pseudonym of Elijah Jenkins + Esq. at the price of one shilling. This was a collection + of contemporary and ancient coarse witticisms, only three + of which are told of Miller. This first edition was a thin + pamphlet of 247 numbered jokes. This ran to three editions + in its first year. + + Owing to the quality of the jokes in Mottley's book, their + number increasing with each of the many subsequent editions, + any time-worn jest came to be called "a Joe Miller", a + Joe-Millerism, or simply a Millerism. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The American Joe Miller, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 43996 *** |